garcianacho/Scripts · Datasets at Hugging Face

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How you doing, Artie?
I... You know... I...
In a hurry, are we?
I was in the middle of a melodramatic exit. It wouldn't really make a statement if I tiptoed out the door...What are you selling?
Bad news.
People pay good money for that?
I'm just a messenger.
Oh no. No way. I've had all the bad news I can take for one day.
It's about your parents.
My parents? What do you mean?
I'm terrible at this. I blurt. I'm a blurter. Your parents...They ...well...they exist no further. Skinnydipping. The Amazon. Piranhas. It wasn't pretty.
You've got the wrong guy. The closest my parents have been to the Amazon is the Brazilian pavilion at Epcot.
Well kid, I'm speaking of...your biological parents.
How quaint.
It's spring break. I don't want to go to a will reading.
Are you familiar with "Heaven?"
I'm seventeen. I know it like the back of my hand.
Your fathered owned the entire "Heaven" empire. You own it now. Any questions?
Smashing! Welcome to the family, Ted. You are going to breathe some new life into this place. You are going to set the world on fire! You are going to...call me Uncle Billy? Please?
Uh, sure. Uncle Billy.
I have only one concern...
You do like girls, don't you?
Of course I like girls.
A lot? I mean, a whole lot?
As much as possible.
You're sure?
The parties are held in here when the weather dips below seventy. Which is seldom.
Seldom? No kidding?
Ah, in other words, this is the apresorgy salon?
Indeed it is. During the day, visitors prefer to be outside, au naturel. As it were.
Maybe she needs help, Ted. You should be a gentleman.
I...uh...I think she's doing fine on her own.
We don't allow TIPN, Ted.
Tipping?
There you are, Tedbaby. Everything all right?
Yeah. Everything's cool.
You ready for your big coming out party? Everybody's dying to meet you.
Just a couple of finishing touches. My parents always said you never get a second chance to make a good first impression.
They said that? Really? Oh, your parents. The Nelson's. Right, right. How midwest. I like that.
Truth is, I'm a little nervous.
YOU? Nervous? Why on earth should you be nervous?
All those people out there. It's a lot of pressure.
Huh! You laugh in the face of pressure!
I do?
You are a multimedia magnate. The Tycoon of Tits. The Baron of Bottoms.
You're the Sultan of Semen. The Monarch of Masturbation. The Merchant Prince of Lust. You. Ted. Are the King of Coitus.
Me? The King of Coitus?
The Supreme Sovereign of Sexuality.
Whoa. But...that's the thing... I've never even actually...
Why, look who's here.
I told you you could do it.
I was like a different person tonight.
You were the new and improved you.
I would have been laughed right out of Xenia.
No one will be laughing at you now, Ted. You can take that to the bank.
It's really going to be strange going home in a couple of days.
You ARE home. But go ahead, finish school, do what you feel you need to do. In the meantime, I'll be your point person here on the magazine.
Really? You'd do that for me?
I've been very lazy for a long, long time.
You seem like you're anything but lazy, Uncle Billy.
I never finished school myself. Never had to. My brother built this empire from nothing but his wife's perky tits and a whole lot of gumption. He gave me a cushy job on a silver platter. I never struggled for a second.
My parents always say hard work builds character.
It's not like I didn't have ideas, I had plenty of ideas. But I never even shared them with your father. Never had the guts.
What kind of ideas?
Well...for one thing...I think it's despicable that we exclude so many women that only fit our western notion of "classic beauty."
You think we should be more open minded?
The world is a big, beautiful place. We can open new markets in Africa and Asia. Imagine the Dali Lhama reading our magazine.
In other words, our scope is too narrow.
At our press conference tomorrow, I think we should announce our plans to explore the world. Not just a few leggy 36D's, with blond hair upstairs and down.
That's perfect.
Don't forget to tell them all your qualifications.
I'm Ted Nelson. I guess you already know that part. For two years I've been the editor of the high school paper in Xenia, Ohio. I've won some awards, made a difference. I've always had journalism in my soul. Now I know why.
So far, so good. Some of them have real Angel potential.
Really? So I'm doing OK?
My father must've been amazing.
He was in a league of his own.
I never saw anybody turn so many shades of red.
I can't wait to see the pictures.
It was incredible. The light, the crowd, everything.
Such enthusiasm. Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?
Seriously? I'm doing all right?
You're taking this bull of an empire by the horns, but you're still keeping your small town values. You're not letting all this "stuff" spoil you.
I owe it all to you. Without your help I'd be lost.
I wish I knew you years ago, when my brother was alive. I wish he never gave you up.
Yeah, well, like my Grandpa used to say...you can't change your Christmas past, but you sure can exchange your Christmas presents.
I'd love to, but I really need to crack the books. Final exams are coming up and I've been slacking.
You're right. I should work, too. Our first issue together is almost ready to print.
Thanks, Uncle Billy. Thanks for everything.
You're a great kid. Don't you forget it.
Yes?
We've got a huge problem with the magazine, Tedbaby. Our readers hate it. HATE IT. We need to talk.
I loved my brother. I stood by his wishes to let his son run the company. A son he never knew. A son that he and his wife gave away at birth. A son who was raised in a world quite different from our own. Nevertheless, I was there for the lad. I guided him as best I could. But he's only seventeen, with a mind of his own and judgment that is, well, frankly, not a chip off the old block. There is only one clear solution... And I think we all know what that is
PEACHES! CANNED PEACHES!
What are you doing?
My job. Back off, Benedict.
Thanks for teaching me an important lesson. What makes a family is love, not blood.
All is fair in "Heaven," Tedbaby.
That's right. And guess who's the new King of the Unemployment Line.
Aw, come on, kid. Throw me a bone. I'm your uncle for gosh sakes.
I like you, Ted. You know that. I liked you before you were filthy rich.

How you doing, Artie?

I... You know... I...

In a hurry, are we?

I was in the middle of a melodramatic exit. It wouldn't really make a statement if I tiptoed out the door...What are you selling?

Bad news.

People pay good money for that?

I'm just a messenger.

Oh no. No way. I've had all the bad news I can take for one day.

It's about your parents.

My parents? What do you mean?

I'm terrible at this. I blurt. I'm a blurter. Your parents...They ...well...they exist no further. Skinnydipping. The Amazon. Piranhas. It wasn't pretty.

You've got the wrong guy. The closest my parents have been to the Amazon is the Brazilian pavilion at Epcot.

Well kid, I'm speaking of...your biological parents.

How quaint.

It's spring break. I don't want to go to a will reading.

Are you familiar with "Heaven?"

I'm seventeen. I know it like the back of my hand.

Your fathered owned the entire "Heaven" empire. You own it now. Any questions?

Smashing! Welcome to the family, Ted. You are going to breathe some new life into this place. You are going to set the world on fire! You are going to...call me Uncle Billy? Please?

Uh, sure. Uncle Billy.

I have only one concern...

You do like girls, don't you?

Of course I like girls.

A lot? I mean, a whole lot?

As much as possible.

You're sure?

The parties are held in here when the weather dips below seventy. Which is seldom.

Seldom? No kidding?

Ah, in other words, this is the apresorgy salon?

Indeed it is. During the day, visitors prefer to be outside, au naturel. As it were.

Maybe she needs help, Ted. You should be a gentleman.

I...uh...I think she's doing fine on her own.

We don't allow TIPN, Ted.

Tipping?

There you are, Tedbaby. Everything all right?

Yeah. Everything's cool.

You ready for your big coming out party? Everybody's dying to meet you.

Just a couple of finishing touches. My parents always said you never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

They said that? Really? Oh, your parents. The Nelson's. Right, right. How midwest. I like that.

Truth is, I'm a little nervous.

YOU? Nervous? Why on earth should you be nervous?

All those people out there. It's a lot of pressure.

Huh! You laugh in the face of pressure!

I do?

You are a multimedia magnate. The Tycoon of Tits. The Baron of Bottoms.

You're the Sultan of Semen. The Monarch of Masturbation. The Merchant Prince of Lust. You. Ted. Are the King of Coitus.

Me? The King of Coitus?

The Supreme Sovereign of Sexuality.

Whoa. But...that's the thing... I've never even actually...

Why, look who's here.

I told you you could do it.

I was like a different person tonight.

You were the new and improved you.

I would have been laughed right out of Xenia.

No one will be laughing at you now, Ted. You can take that to the bank.

It's really going to be strange going home in a couple of days.

You ARE home. But go ahead, finish school, do what you feel you need to do. In the meantime, I'll be your point person here on the magazine.

Really? You'd do that for me?

I've been very lazy for a long, long time.

You seem like you're anything but lazy, Uncle Billy.

I never finished school myself. Never had to. My brother built this empire from nothing but his wife's perky tits and a whole lot of gumption. He gave me a cushy job on a silver platter. I never struggled for a second.

My parents always say hard work builds character.

It's not like I didn't have ideas, I had plenty of ideas. But I never even shared them with your father. Never had the guts.

What kind of ideas?

Well...for one thing...I think it's despicable that we exclude so many women that only fit our western notion of "classic beauty."

You think we should be more open minded?

The world is a big, beautiful place. We can open new markets in Africa and Asia. Imagine the Dali Lhama reading our magazine.

In other words, our scope is too narrow.

At our press conference tomorrow, I think we should announce our plans to explore the world. Not just a few leggy 36D's, with blond hair upstairs and down.

That's perfect.

Don't forget to tell them all your qualifications.

I'm Ted Nelson. I guess you already know that part. For two years I've been the editor of the high school paper in Xenia, Ohio. I've won some awards, made a difference. I've always had journalism in my soul. Now I know why.

So far, so good. Some of them have real Angel potential.

Really? So I'm doing OK?

My father must've been amazing.

He was in a league of his own.

I never saw anybody turn so many shades of red.

I can't wait to see the pictures.

It was incredible. The light, the crowd, everything.

Such enthusiasm. Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?

Seriously? I'm doing all right?

You're taking this bull of an empire by the horns, but you're still keeping your small town values. You're not letting all this "stuff" spoil you.

I owe it all to you. Without your help I'd be lost.

I wish I knew you years ago, when my brother was alive. I wish he never gave you up.

Yeah, well, like my Grandpa used to say...you can't change your Christmas past, but you sure can exchange your Christmas presents.

I'd love to, but I really need to crack the books. Final exams are coming up and I've been slacking.

You're right. I should work, too. Our first issue together is almost ready to print.

Thanks, Uncle Billy. Thanks for everything.

You're a great kid. Don't you forget it.

Yes?

We've got a huge problem with the magazine, Tedbaby. Our readers hate it. HATE IT. We need to talk.

I loved my brother. I stood by his wishes to let his son run the company. A son he never knew. A son that he and his wife gave away at birth. A son who was raised in a world quite different from our own. Nevertheless, I was there for the lad. I guided him as best I could. But he's only seventeen, with a mind of his own and judgment that is, well, frankly, not a chip off the old block. There is only one clear solution... And I think we all know what that is

PEACHES! CANNED PEACHES!

What are you doing?

My job. Back off, Benedict.

Thanks for teaching me an important lesson. What makes a family is love, not blood.

All is fair in "Heaven," Tedbaby.

That's right. And guess who's the new King of the Unemployment Line.

Aw, come on, kid. Throw me a bone. I'm your uncle for gosh sakes.

I like you, Ted. You know that. I liked you before you were filthy rich.