jamesliu23/simpsons · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 7 697
Hi, Dr. Nick.
Troy, I've brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe.
Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
Not so fast Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm.
Oooooh! That's one clean tombstone.
Hey, Dad, you got a power drill?
In the garage.
I'm offering three bottles -- enough to clean one thousand tombstones -- for only thirty-nine ninety-five.
Yeah, give us a break, Doctor.
But Troy, how can I make it lower than thirty-nine ninety-five.
Hey, Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
If stuff starts flying, just turn your head.
Oh, check.
Okay. I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas Jell-O mold -- twenty-nine ninety-five.
Okay, okay, calm down.
Homer, can you get the door? It's my sisters.
Homer, be nice.
Okay, I will. I will.
Patty, Selma, what a pleasant surprise.
What do you know, he's wearing pants.
I owe you a lunch.
Ugly... ugly... butch...
What's the matter, can't you find a hair style you like?
No... Hold the phone. That's the one for me.
Ed Asner?
No, next to him. Mary... Tyler... Moore.
... Expiration date: June, 1999... Uh, 2012, yeah.
Homer, are you ordering junk off the TV again?
Shh! They'll hear you.
Who's using the power tools?
I don't know. Some guy I guess.
Well, we're going to the beauty parlor. Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.
Oh sure, great idea. I'd love to -- Did you hear that?
How much?
Everything.
What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
Uh... take us to the video store.
Anything for my little girl.
Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. Stupid kid.
Ooooooh, McBain.
Hey McBain, you keep eating them hot links and you'll never make it to a pension.
No, thanks. Got me a future, partner. I'm two days away from retirement, my daughter's graduating from college --
And as soon as we nail Mendoza my old lady and I are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened the boat.
Yes, sir, everything's gonna be just perf...
Aw, damn, damn, damn. McBain...
I'm not gonna make it.
No, no, no. Just do one thing for me... Get... Mendoza.
You want to rent it, sir?
Why? I just saw the best part.
Oooh, "Death by Knockout," "Blood on the Ice" Oh, oh... "Football's Greatest Injuries". Lisa, we're going.
But, Dad, I can't find "Happy Little Elves in Tinkly Winkly Town".
Just grab something. All these movies are great.
Look at this. "Test your F.Q. -- Fatherhood Quotient". Maybe you should try it on Homer. He'll fail it.
Uh-huh. In a second.
I don't know.
Now Henry Winkler, there's a father. Listen to what he told a close friend. "I don't always keep my cool like `The Fonz', but my love for my kids has given me plenty of 'Happy Days'."
... They called him "The Galloping Gazelle." His habitat: the frozen tundra of Soldier Field. For six seasons and two pro bowls he grazed on the tasty green turf of the end zone. Until one fateful Sunday in November when the gazelle was stopped in his tracks by a big cat named Wayne Kychezski.
Homie, we're back.
Don't mind that clod, Patty. You could turn the world on with your smile.
Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take.
Oh great, you made me miss Joe Theisman.
This is from the National Fatherhood Institute. It evaluates your knowledge of your son and rates you as a father.
Oh Marge.
Question one: "Name one of your child's friends..."
Uh, let's see, Bart's friends... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing... uh... the little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets.
They want a name, Homer, not a vague description.
Okay. Hank.
Hank?! Hank who?
Hank... Jones.
Homer, you made that up. Question two: "Who is your son's hero?"
Steve McQueen.
That's your hero. "Name another dad you talked to about parenting."
What are your son's hobbies?
Well, he's always chewing on that phone cord.
He hasn't done that since he was two.
Then he has no hobbies.
Oh really? Well, maybe you should go out in the garage and see.
Bart!... BART!!!
You don't have any hobbies, do you boy?
No, not really.
Well, that's what I... Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Building a Soap Box Derby racer.
Oh, that's a hobby!
Hey, so it is.
Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy... I'm a bad father!
You're also fat.
I'm also fat!
National Fatherhood Institute. Please hold...
AND THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON / LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON / WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME DAD / I DON'T KNOW WHEN...
National Fatherhood Institute. Dave speaking.
I'm Homer Simpson. I just took your test. I got a zero.
Wow, it really is you.
Good Lord, a zero! Lona, cancel my one o'clock. Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood paneled station wagon over for you immediately.
Hey Bart, where'd you get the lumber?
Well, as three-time soapbox derby champ Ronnie Beck says, "Poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine."
A conventional design.
Oh, yeah? Are you building a racer, Martin?
In between some other projects. Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I've booked some time at the wind tunnel.
Goodbye, son.
Hey Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away.

Hi, Dr. Nick.

Troy, I've brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe.

Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.

Not so fast Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm.

Oooooh! That's one clean tombstone.

Hey, Dad, you got a power drill?

In the garage.

I'm offering three bottles -- enough to clean one thousand tombstones -- for only thirty-nine ninety-five.

Yeah, give us a break, Doctor.

But Troy, how can I make it lower than thirty-nine ninety-five.

Hey, Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.

If stuff starts flying, just turn your head.

Oh, check.

Okay. I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas Jell-O mold -- twenty-nine ninety-five.

Okay, okay, calm down.

Homer, can you get the door? It's my sisters.

Homer, be nice.

Okay, I will. I will.

Patty, Selma, what a pleasant surprise.

What do you know, he's wearing pants.

I owe you a lunch.

Ugly... ugly... butch...

What's the matter, can't you find a hair style you like?

No... Hold the phone. That's the one for me.

Ed Asner?

No, next to him. Mary... Tyler... Moore.

... Expiration date: June, 1999... Uh, 2012, yeah.

Homer, are you ordering junk off the TV again?

Shh! They'll hear you.

Who's using the power tools?

I don't know. Some guy I guess.

Well, we're going to the beauty parlor. Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.

Oh sure, great idea. I'd love to -- Did you hear that?

How much?

Everything.

What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?

Uh... take us to the video store.

Anything for my little girl.

Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. Stupid kid.

Ooooooh, McBain.

Hey McBain, you keep eating them hot links and you'll never make it to a pension.

No, thanks. Got me a future, partner. I'm two days away from retirement, my daughter's graduating from college --

And as soon as we nail Mendoza my old lady and I are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened the boat.

Yes, sir, everything's gonna be just perf...

Aw, damn, damn, damn. McBain...

I'm not gonna make it.

No, no, no. Just do one thing for me... Get... Mendoza.

You want to rent it, sir?

Why? I just saw the best part.

Oooh, "Death by Knockout," "Blood on the Ice" Oh, oh... "Football's Greatest Injuries". Lisa, we're going.

But, Dad, I can't find "Happy Little Elves in Tinkly Winkly Town".

Just grab something. All these movies are great.

Look at this. "Test your F.Q. -- Fatherhood Quotient". Maybe you should try it on Homer. He'll fail it.

Uh-huh. In a second.

I don't know.

Now Henry Winkler, there's a father. Listen to what he told a close friend. "I don't always keep my cool like `The Fonz', but my love for my kids has given me plenty of 'Happy Days'."

... They called him "The Galloping Gazelle." His habitat: the frozen tundra of Soldier Field. For six seasons and two pro bowls he grazed on the tasty green turf of the end zone. Until one fateful Sunday in November when the gazelle was stopped in his tracks by a big cat named Wayne Kychezski.

Homie, we're back.

Don't mind that clod, Patty. You could turn the world on with your smile.

Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take.

Oh great, you made me miss Joe Theisman.

This is from the National Fatherhood Institute. It evaluates your knowledge of your son and rates you as a father.

Oh Marge.

Question one: "Name one of your child's friends..."

Uh, let's see, Bart's friends... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing... uh... the little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets.

They want a name, Homer, not a vague description.

Okay. Hank.

Hank?! Hank who?

Hank... Jones.

Homer, you made that up. Question two: "Who is your son's hero?"

Steve McQueen.

That's your hero. "Name another dad you talked to about parenting."

What are your son's hobbies?

Well, he's always chewing on that phone cord.

He hasn't done that since he was two.

Then he has no hobbies.

Oh really? Well, maybe you should go out in the garage and see.

Bart!... BART!!!

You don't have any hobbies, do you boy?

No, not really.

Well, that's what I... Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Building a Soap Box Derby racer.

Oh, that's a hobby!

Hey, so it is.

Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy... I'm a bad father!

You're also fat.

I'm also fat!

National Fatherhood Institute. Please hold...

AND THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON / LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON / WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME DAD / I DON'T KNOW WHEN...

National Fatherhood Institute. Dave speaking.

I'm Homer Simpson. I just took your test. I got a zero.

Wow, it really is you.

Good Lord, a zero! Lona, cancel my one o'clock. Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood paneled station wagon over for you immediately.

Hey Bart, where'd you get the lumber?

Well, as three-time soapbox derby champ Ronnie Beck says, "Poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine."

A conventional design.

Oh, yeah? Are you building a racer, Martin?

In between some other projects. Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I've booked some time at the wind tunnel.

Goodbye, son.

Hey Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away.