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I 've sorted through the camping gear , and now we 're packing for our conference . Kitten has been delivered to a member who will spoil her and love on her ( and thinks we 're doing her a favor by letting her take care of her ) . I 've mowed the lawn . I 'm ready to start packing my clothes . I 'm looking forward to the conference , and beyond that to our camping adventure . Sister and Short Niece are going to join us for a night , which will be fun . We 've had the heat , but fortunately were spared the storms that have done so much damage across the country . Tiny Village is without power , and since they are on wells , that means they are without water . I 'm glad we 're here . Posted by One of the gifts of vacation is the opportunity to step out of the challenges of daily life and gain some perspective . This is supposed to be my fifth day of vacation , but it 's only the second I haven 't gone to the office , and I did have a conversation with Administrative Assistant today . It wasn 't hard to recognize that I spend too much time and energy on church stuff . I am going to spend some time pondering how to place some limits on my work life an carve out more personal time . Maybe I 'll even take a class that 's not connected with my job this fall . I think I 'll go explore the options . . . . I sat in a restaurant most of the morning working on my Bible Study for the conference next week . My computer was not being very cooperative . I finally gave up and went over to the church . My computer was happy to be plugged in to a power source , mouse , and keyboard . My desk gave me more space in which to work . Administrative Assistant helped with some of the preparation . It was a good decision , though it did mean today wasn 't really vacation . I spent some time this morning reflecting on the balance in my life , or maybe I should say , the lack of balance . I didn 't make any firm decisions beyond recognizing I need to spend some more time reflecting on what kind of balance I want and how best to achieve it . One of the questions I 'm asking the participants in the Bible study is , " Where do you feel most at home ? " I realized for me , I feel most at home at the church . Now I have to decide if that 's a good thing or a bad thing . . . . I don 't like making phone calls . I know it sounds weird , but I have never liked making them . Obviously there are times when I can 't avoid making phone calls , but if there are alternatives ( like email ) I 'll take them every time . So the last week my major accomplishment has been making a bunch of phone calls I 'd been putting off . The majority of them were made today . Here 's some of what I 've accomplished : Called the cardiologist 's office about their failure to get prior authorization for my stress test ( is getting an insurance denial for an expensive test part of the stress test ? ) They are looking into it . ( Note to SBF - - I know you warned me . I told the doctor that it had to be pre - authorized . He promised to take care of it . You can say I told you so - - I didn 't call the insurance company to make sure he 'd done it . ) Called and found a place to replace the glass in my fireplace door ( to be paid for by the chimney sweep , since it broke right after they cleaned it ) . Called tech support about Daughter 's dead computer . Also called about the broken mouse button on mine . Called a shop 50 miles away that can do the repair on mine under the extended warranty . I consider it a major accomplishment that I arranged repairs on both with less than 45 minutes on the phone . My hope is that I can drop my computer off at the repair shop , do some shopping , and go back to pick it up with only one trip to the city . The repair shop was willing to work with me on that . It feels good to have gotten these things off my to do list . Some had been there for several months . I managed to stay away from the church for one full day before I went in . I stopped by this afternoon to drop off Daughter 's computer . Administrative Assistant will stick it in the box they 're sending and send it off for repairs - - I have everything delivered to the church because that is where I spend the majority of my waking hours . I also dropped papers into the recycling bin in the parking lot and dropped off some things that belong in my study . She filled me in on all the news : We 're up to 24 registrations for day camp . They cleaned out a Sunday School room that was being used for storage and organized a storage room . We need the additional space for Sunday School this fall . She found a great picture of me for the brochure I thought was done last week . She 's continuing to play with the lay out and improving it . Our goal is to have it ready to distribute at day camp . Work is progressing on the apartment building that is going in next to the church . They started clearing the land last week , and did it in record time . This week they 're moving dirt . While I was there I got to hug the mother of a young man who has been battling cancer for over 2 years . The latest news was not good . She was surprised ( and delighted ) to see me . I also talked to a couple of the men from the property team . Our pond has been reduced to a mud puddle by the dry weather . They were considering renting equipment to do the digging they need to do to fix the drain in the pond . They were discussing who was better equipped to drive it . I can see them all having fun with a new toy . Hopefully they 'll be done by the time I get back . I also hope the new HVAC unit for the sanctuary will be installed while I 'm away . Hopefully I will be able to stay away for longer than one day this time . . . . The time prior to vacation has always been challenging for Daughter . She needs structure , and finds the unstructured time of vacation challenging . This year when I started seeing the pre - vacation acting out , I sought to change the pattern . I suggested she make a list of the things she wants to do and the camp food she wants me to make while we 're on vacation . She has embraced the challenge . I just got of the phone with her , and she was frustrated because she hadn 't been able to do an internet search yesterday . I reminded her I have some tourist information here at home , and suggested she take that back to the house iwth her tomorrow . She jumped all over that idea . She 's excited . I think it helps that we 're going back to the same state park - - it removes some of the stress from it for her . I also think she 's looking forward to extended time with me . She appreciates me more now that she doesn 't live with me all the time . The growth I see in her is pretty amazing . She asked if she coud go spend a couple of days with friends it Tiny Village . I told her that the fact she still wasn 't trustworthy around food was an issue , and reminded her she 'd taken a banana one night when she was here recently . She said , " Point taken . " She dropped the request . She is working on a list of the things she needs to pack and getting them ready . I have to say , I 'm impressed and pleased . Now I need to get on with my list . She may actually be ahead of me . I slept in today . It felt good . I 've been very lazy today . That also feels good . I have a number of things I need to get done this week , some of which can 't be put off - - like getting ready to teach my class and checking out the camping gear we haven 't used in 3 years . But I decided I can have a lazy day . It 's allowed . After all , I am on vacation . Daughter called a little while ago . She has grown so much . My mantra , " I have confidence in your ability to figure it out , " has had an impact . I no longer get the crisis , " come rescue me " calls . She was frustrated with a staff member , but she 'd figured it out . I 'm proud of her . I got an email today about happenings back in Tiny Village . Sometimes , they are hard to read . But just as Daughter can figure things out on her own , so can they . Posted by The funeral went well this morning , and now I am on vacation - - sort of . I came home and mowed the lawn , then showered and ran to the bank . This evening I 'm going to a restaurant across town for supper . The restaurant is donating a portion of their proceeds to an organization several of our members are beginning . It will be fun . I like both of these women - - we 'll go as friends . I had a conversation with the woman who finally saw a Psychiatrist for her Bipolar . Her General Practitioner is even dumber than I thought . He claims that Bipolar is one of his specialities . He told her to take the antidepressant he prescribed at night , because it would help her sleep . Psychiatrist explained that she should be taking it in the morning , because it would prevent her from sleeping if taken at bedtime . He also told her it was the wrong medication for her . She 's going to start reducing that and begin on something to help with her moods . She really liked him . He is seeing her again in 2 weeks , and told her to call if she didn 't see improvement in a couple of days . She is going to start looking for a new GP . Yeah ! I 've also been exchanging emails with the woman who is coordinating the traveling day camp we 're hosting the first week in August . I think it 's good that I 'm coming back a week early so I 'll be here the week before day camp begins . We 've hit a few bumps all ready , and I 'm sure there will be more as day camp gets closer . The woman who is coordinating it is a retired Christian educator , so she knows what she 's doing . I 'm grateful she was willing to take this on , especially with some of the challenges that are arising . For the rest of this week I 'm going to be working in the yard , getting our camping gear sorted and ready , and preparing my class for the conference next week . I 'm looking forward to it . As I was mowing today I was thinking about the fact that two weeks from today , we 'll be camping , for the first time in 3 years . I 'm really looking forward to it . Posted by I have the next 4 Sundays off , and I 'm looking forward to that . We did a drama in worship today , based on the story of David and Goliath . King Saul , David , and David 's older brother , Eliab , all reflected on the story . The man I 'd recruited to play David was fantastic , and he energized the other two . In his reflections , he was talking about how he always got stuck tending the sheep . He had the congregation completing the sentence for him , " I had to go tend the . . . . . " He put some humor in it , and the congregation loved it . I loved it , because it was a reworking of something I 'd done 3 years ago in Tiny Village . Our AV guy installed a splitter and brought his laptop today . It 's much easier , now , to leave a picture on the front screens and use the rear screen a teleprompter . I think I 'm going to try to do things like this more often . The congregation loves it , and because I have to have them written ahead of time , it means I don 't have the sermon hanging over my head all week . Daughter is in her stress out to vacation mode . At lunch we talked about it some . She thinks it 's going to be very different since she no longer lives with me . We talked about all the things that would be the same . She called this afternoon , upset about the way two of the other women in the house were bickering . I identified the real issue as vacation stress , and she talked about it some more . I suggested she make a list of all the things she wants to do while we 're on vacation , and also to think about camp foods she wants to make . She got excited , and hung up to go make a list . It could be a long week . . . . There is one particular staff member at Daughter 's house who probably shouldn 't be working there . A couple of months ago she borrowed a pair of Daughter 's sweat pants , and didn 't return them until Daughter reported her to the House Manager . When she returned them to Daughter , they were dirty . She told Daughter she better wash them . Thursday when Daughter was here , she asked if I 'd make strawberry pancakes for breakfast Friday . I said I didn 't know if that would work . She told me that when Staff Member had picked her up one day she 'd stopped at her mom 's house because she was hungry . She came out with strawberry pancakes and ate them as she was driving Daughter home . Daughter said , " She was swerving all over the road . " She also complained about this particular staff member going into her room and using her straightening iron . I told her she needed to tell HM . She told me she was afraid to , because Staff Member would yell at her . I told her to tell HM about her fears . It was hard , not stepping in to rescue her , but I decided I needed to equip her instead . I 'm not always going to be around to defend her , so she needs to learn to speak up for herself . I 'm trying to equip her to be her own advocate . She says she told HM . I hope she did , and I hope that if Staff Member doesn 't get her act together quickly , she 'll be fired . It doesn 't sound like she has much sense . In fact , I think Daughter might have more sense than she does , which is scary . This morning was my third walk of the week with my friend . We go to wonderful parks and walk through the woods , enjoying nature . We certainly don 't walk quickly , but we were counting the turtles sunning on branches over the pond today . We saw a number of frogs in the pond , too . Their camouflage is amazing , so we had to be patient and look carefully . We only saw one deer this morning . Evening is a better time for seeing deer - - when we walked Wednesday evening we counted 8 or 9 . We pigged out on wild blackberries along the trail . We saw lots of rabbits and squirrels and one snake . FoReverend Mom I went into the office today to finish some things up . I had forgotten to get information to the lay leader for worship Sunday . I had some paperwork to fax to my insurance company about Daughter . I sent my broken GPS to amazon and hope to get a gift card for it . I convinced Daughter that violence wasn 't a good response to people her And I worked on the memorial service for Monday . It 's not quite done , but I made good progress . Administrative Assistant did some research and gave me some dates about marriages and deaths ( the deceased was twice widowed ) . She also called the funeral home and got directions to the cemetery around the construction on the main route into this neighboring suburb . We are doing the interment before the memorial service . Of all the funerals I 've done here , only once has the funeral director called me to confirm my availability and go over arrangements . I find that very frustrating . I 'm all ready for Sunday , with my material printed out and in the notebook . I have to finalize the memorial service , but it 's almost done , so it shouldn 't take too long . We have begun having coffee available before worship . We figured out that I could plug it in on Sunday morning since I 'm the first one there . We also figured out that Treasurer could set it up when he 's in the office on Friday . At first he 'd stick a post - it note on my study door to remind me to plug it in . A couple of weeks ago I told him it wasn 't necessary , I had done it enough I would remember without the note . Daughter was disappointed the note wasn 't there . I explained to her that Treasurer and I had decided I could remember without the note . She was not convinced . I told him about our conversation , so last week there was a note on my study door asking Daughter to please remind me to plug in the coffee . She was delighted . There 's another note on the door for her this weekend . She will be pleased . I reminded him that he 'll have to get someone else to plug it in for the 4 weeks I 'm gone . . . . Daughter is bugging to come here tomorrow . I told her I 'd probably pick her up after supper . I don 't have to be up quite as early on Sunday if she is here . I intentionally didn 't pack the things I need for the conference yet . I 'll need to lock up the church on Monday , and I don 't want to rush everyone out . I will retreat to my study and gather my things for the conference while the people are visiting after the service . We aren 't having a meal , just a reception . I won 't worry about how long they are staying if I have some minor things to do to keep me busy in the study . I 'm almost on vacation . Almost . . . . I 'm on the final push to vacation , trying to get things done here at the church so I can be gone for four weeks . I made good progress today , but there is more to do . Tomorrow I 'll come in and write the memorial service for Monday . I may jot down some thoughts about September . I still have to prepare for the class I 'm teaching at the conference . . . . I read a devotional about sabbath this morning . Sabbath is time to stop all work and rest in God . As I reflected on it , I realized . I don 't do a good job of taking sabbath time throughout the year . Especially during the school year , I work too much and relax too little . Summer is my opportunity for to slow down a bit and relax . It helps that the days are longer , and the other big difference is that I 'm home in the evening . Instead of spending at least 3 evenings a week at the church , I 'm only there for the Monday evening meetings . I like having my evenings . Yesterday I came home and mowed the lawn before supper and after supper I went for a 4 mile walk . The slower pace also means I 'm more likely to get a full day off . Saturday I was free to enjoy time with a friend and then later , with Sister . After the memorial service on Monday , I have 4 weeks of sabbath time . I 'm looking forward to the time to be refreshed and renewed . I also know , though , that I can 't expect 4 weeks of sabbath in the summer to carry me through the rest of the year . Before I move into fall , I need to figure out how to schedule sabbath time during the busiest times of the year . There 's a reason that God made that one of the ten commandments . I think I need to rediscover what a gift it is , all year round . Posted by I 've been working on my health by doing more exercise lately . I 've been walking , working in the yard , and exploring qigong and yoga . Yesterday and today were my first attempts at yoga . It went better than I thought it would . I was pleasantly surprised . I do think the exercise is helping . I went out and mowed the lawn when I got home . The heat index was 94 . I stopped for breaks and to drink cold water , but it didn 't take as long as I thought it would or wear me out as much as I thought it would , which is good , because I 'm walking later this evening . Daughter is calling less and is happier when she calls . She had an experience with a male friend she didn 't like much last night . He was having a " birthday party " and wanted Daughter to come . I have meetings on Monday evening , so I told her I couldn 't help . I looked at the flyer she had , and told her I didn 't think she 'd like it . It was a car show with a DJ at a bar . Apparently this man 's step father is the DJ . She arranged to get there with help from her house . She called to report in last night . He was drinking , which she didn 't like . She was the only person he invited . When she got ready to leave she gave him a hug and wished him happy birthday . She reports he pushed her down and kissed her neck . She said she didn 't like that . I pointed out that it wasn 't a party , it was a date . I don 't know if she knew she was the only person invited . I do know that she handled the entire incident remarkably well . She was concerned about seeing him today . I suggested she tell him she wasn 't interested in a boyfriend . She seemed satisfied with that . I came in this morning , determined to do some writing . Then the visitors started . When one man came in , he said , " I 'm the next one through the revolving door . " So while I haven 't gotten the writing done I had planned , I 've had some wonderful conversations . I 've dealt with some administrative matters - - both for the church and my own personal stuff . I 've had a conversation with Daughter 's Case Manager about Daughter 's desire to change her day program to a sheltered workshop . I 've visited with my favorite 3 year old . I 'm grateful that this last week before vacation is flexible enough that I can enjoy these interruptions and the opportunities they bring . Have I mentioned recently how much I love my life ? Posted by I 'm now on the countdown to vacation . One more Sunday . Next Sunday we 're doing one of my infamous dramatic Proclamations of the Word . The text is the story of David and Goliath , and David , King Saul , and David 's older brother , Eliab , will all offer their thoughts on the story . I recruited my actors , and we had a rehearsal this afternoon . This morning our AV guy told me he 'd ordered a new piece of equipment , a splitter . At some point we figured out that it was nice to turn the rear screen into a teleprompter . To do that now , we have to have someone freeze the front two projectors , which can be a bit tricky . AV guy thinks this will make it easier because he 'll be able to switch the rear projector to a different computer that will give us much more flexibility . He told me he sees the trend , and decided to prepare for it . The congregation does love it when I plan a service like this . I love it because the Proclamation for next week is done , so I can concentrate on the memorial service and other projects this week . It has been a long day . We had a board meeting right after worship and approved the purchase of a new HVAC unit for the sanctuary . It was warm enough in the sanctuary this morning to underline the need . I took Daughter home after lunch , and then led worship at the retirement center before the rehearsal . Administrative Assistant and I were standing in the parking lot talking when some members drove up and demanded to know if we ever go home . We laughed and said we don 't . I was reflecting this morning on how my life has changed since Daughter moved out 7 months ago . I was able go have fun yesterday without worrying about her . I have a freedom I hadn 't had in 22 years . I like it . Posted by I met a colleague for lunch at a historic restaurant I hadn 't been to in over 30 years ( it 's close to the town where I went to college ) . We had a wonderful conversation , and I learned that she had a foster son for a while . Like me , she didn 't intend to be a parent , but took him on a temporary basis because she had met him in the course of her ministry . She had him until he turned 18 . . . . Then I met Sister at an outlet mall for shopping and supper . It 's always nice to spend time with Sister without our daughters around . Tomorrow is Sister 's birthday , so I took her out to eat in celebration . Daughter called while I was at lunch I told her I was in a meeting and had confidence in her ability to figure things out . Apparently she figured things out , because she hasn 't called back . I 'm enjoying the freedom to do things without having to worry about Daughter and her schedule . It 's a nice change . I think I 've finally reached the point that I don 't feel guilty about doing it , which is nice . It has been a fun Saturday . As a rule , I never criticize any one 's doctor . I know how important it is that people have confidence in their doctors , and I don 't want to undermine that . There are exceptions , though . Over a year ago one of the women in the church told me about being diagnosed with bipolar 9 years ago . As I listened to her story , I realized that she had never seen a psychiatrist , and her primary care doctor had prescribed an antidepressant for her . I also realized that she was having spells of mania . She would go on shopping sprees , or get up in the middle of the night and start cooking , and various other things that screamed mania to me . I encouraged her to ask her doctor about a referral to a psychiatrist . I explained that she might need medication to level out her mood and prevent the manic episodes . She talked to her doctor , several times , and was told that the medication she was on was the only one she could take and she was at the maximum dose and there was nothing else that could be done . He refused to give her a referral to a psychiatrist . I suggested she talk to her psychologist , but he was unwilling to refer her , too . The last time she filled in for our pianist it was obvious she wasn 't in a good place . Her husband has been coming to worship alone the last few months . I knew that meant she was in a bad place . I also knew that she needed to see a psychiatrist , and she knew my feelings on that . A week and a half ago she called me . She was desperate . She wasn 't able to sleep and was in a bad place . She wanted the name of Daughter 's psychiatrist . I explained that Daughter 's psychiatrist only dealt with people with developmental disabilities . She wanted me to refer her to someone . I told her I didn 't know anyone here , and suggested several resources , including a member of the congregation who works as a case manager with the elderly . I suggested she would be able to give her the name of a good geriatric psychiatrist . I saw her husband on Sunday , and he said she 'd called , and had an appointment for April . I could hear the dReverend Mom I 've been working in my yard again today . I was reflecting on how grateful I am that I purchased a house with a yard rather than a condo . The yard gives me something to do and gives me so much pleasure . It 's like a bit of vacation every week as I spend time outside enjoying nature . I don 't think I 'll ever have everything I 'd like to do out there done , but perhaps that is a good thing . I continue to make goals and have things to look forward to . I can 't complain about that . Posted by One of the members told me she wanted to talk to me about forgiveness , so this afternoon I went to see her . She told me about her estrangement from her daughter . She talked about the hurtful things her daughter has said to her . She told me about her difficulty forgiving her . As I listened , to her describe her daughter , there were so many things I recognized . I suspect her daughter has bipolar , and is self - medicating with alcohol . Now my member is in her 80 's , and helping her understand the reality of mental illness is challenging . I assured her that this wasn 't her fault , and that I suspected her daughter had a chemical imbalance in her brain and was self - medicating . She knows some of Daughter 's story , and I was able to tell her I understood what she was going through . I could tell she was still struggling . Finally I asked her , " When your babies were sick and screamed all night , keeping you up , did you forgiven them ? " " Well of course . " I went on to suggest that her daughter is sick . It 's a bigger illness , and her screams are longer and hurt more , but they are still a result of her illness . It clicked . We prayed for her daughter , and I gave her suggestions for continuing to pray for her daughter , but I think ( hope ) that I gave her a new perspective . Maybe now she can begin to forgive and heal . Posted by I 'm in that time moving toward vacation when I 'm tired and don 't want to work . I 'm finding it hard to stay focused , and have to push myself to get things done . My vacation time will begin after the memorial service on the 25th , but there 's much to be done before my vacation begins . It helps that Administrative Assistant is back now . The wooded lot next to the church was cleared this week in preparation for a senior citizens ' apartment complex . It will make our sign and building more visible , but it also takes away a natural area that was home to the deer . AA and I have worried about where our deer will go , though we still have woods behind us and on the other side of us . Today I 've done some work updating brochures . We 're hosting a day camp in August , and I want update information on the church to send home with the kids . It 's time to begin looking toward fall , but first I need my vacation . Posted by My Administrative Assistant is back from vacation . Yesterday she was in the office , but I wasn 't due to an all day meeting . It 's good to have her back . We 're trying to get everything scheduled that needs to be done before I leave for 4 weeks . The next week and a half will be busy , but we 'll get it done . The calendar is filling up quickly . I 've warned her that she 'd best rest up while I 'm gone , because when I return it will get crazy as we prepare for fall program . I 'm excited about the opportunities ahead of us . Daughter seems to be in a good place right now , which is good . I 'm not getting many phone calls , for which I 'm very grateful . Life is good . Posted by I promised an elderly woman that I would do her memorial service when the time came . This woman died on Sunday . Her close friend and executor has scheduled the memorial service for the first day of my vacation , more than 2 weeks after her death . I asked if it could be any earlier , since that was the first day of my vacation . The response was that that is the day that works for the woman 's close friends , and the service could be brief and early . I guess my schedule doesn 't count . I have to call the executor , but am waiting . I 'm tired , and I need my vacation . I can tell I need my vacation because I 'm very angry right now . I fear if I call the executor , I will say things that aren 't appropriate / helpful . Hopefully after some time to pray and do other things , I will be able to call her and be pastoral . Hopefully . I do find myself wondering , though , why my schedule wasn 't considered in the scheduling of this service . I also find myself wondering if maybe it was , as this is the same woman who scheduled a memorial service to take place while I was on vacation after Christmas . In that case , I volunteered to give up a day of vacation , because I knew that family members would be in from out of town and it would be difficult for them to come before or after my vacation . Sometimes ministry is hard . Especially when I 'm tired and in need of a vacation . I 'll do this service , and hopefully I will get in enough prayer before hand to let go of my resentment . Posted by Two meetings tonight . An all day meeting tomorrow . The good news is that after this week I won 't have many more meetings before vacation begins . While for the most part the meetings are worthwhile , I will be glad for the break . In one of tonight 's meeting a man who has been overwhelmingly negative acknowledged that we have done a good job and made progress on one of our goals . I don 't think he complained the entire meeting . Things are going well at the church , and it 's good to see the progress . Of course , as our ministries grow , so do the meetings involved . In addition to the meetings , today was a day of pastoral conversations . I think I had 6 or 7 . All of them were good . With all the meetings and all the conversations , though , I didn 't accomplish my other goals . I was trying to listen to a podcast about this Sunday 's Scripture lessons . I think I had to restart it 3 or 4 times because I kept getting interrupted . That 's okay , though . As a wise old pastor once said , the interruptions are our ministry . Lots of ministry going on today . Daughter had a good day , too . The two conversations I had with her were both upbeat . She called a couple of other times , but I was busy and told her she 'd have to call back . She doesn 't like to hear me say that , but she does understand . Life is good . Posted by Daughter got her hair cut on Saturday . Hair has always been in a big issue with her . She is biracial , I am white . I find that African Americans sometimes criticize the way I do her hair . When we were in Inner City , I had women in the church who were willing to guide and teach me . Since then , I 've been pretty much on my own . Her first psychiatrist when we were in Tiny Village was Jamaican . Her last appointment with him was the day he got on her about the need to take better care of her hair . She was 9 years old . When we were in Inner City , she wore her hair in multiple braids , like most of her classmates . She didn 't want multiple braids once she was in a majority white school . I began pulling it back in one or two braids , and often by the end of the day her hair was looking a bit ragged . At the end of the long day , he told her she was a big enough girl to take better care of her hair . I was the one who took care of her hair , and she was very sensitive to criticism of it . I found a new psychiatrist for her . When she went back to her house yesterday afternoon , her hair was beginning to poof a bit . She had not had any of her wraps to wrap it Saturday night after the beautician straightened it ( just with a straightening iron ) . When she called me last night she was upset because she said the staff ( all African American ) were criticizing her hair and said she should have had it relaxed . I asked if she was happy with her hair . She said she was , and I told her that was all that mattered . This morning she sent me a text message with a picture of herself . It said , " They cant judge for who i am or what i look like because i am strong and beatiful . " It made my day . Posted by Administrative Assistant has been on vacation this past week . She was back in the office for one week before she left again . This morning before church I was getting questions and such , and one of the women comforted me with , " Don 't worry , your brain will be back on Tuesday . " While I do have a brain without AA , it doesn 't function as well as it does when she is here . I am very blessed to be able to work with her . I took Daughter home a little while ago . It was another very good visit . She has matured so much . This morning she packed up my computer while I was doing hair and make - up . I like it when she takes the initiative to do something that she knows needs to be done . Yesterday she cleaned out the insulin pouch without me asking and got it ready for us to go out . She will be here for the choir picnic this year . Last year she missed it because she was at camp . One of the women told Daughter she would be willing to pick her up and bring her to the picnic . I 'm grateful . AA will be back in the office on Tuesday , but I won 't be in the office because I have an all day meeting . Two more sermons and my vacation begins . I 'll be ready ! After running around this morning , this afternoon I wanted to take care of the remnant of the lilac bush in my backyard . I asked Daughter to help . She did , but had an attitude . She told me she was about to explode . I had her come sit by me and talk to me . She said she didn 't know me anymore , I didn 't seem like her mom . She expressed resentment over the time I spend working in the yard . She told me I was too old to be out there working . She insisted that working in the heat would give me cancer , especially if you have diabetes . She insisted that scientists had proved it . Finally the real issue came out . When I 'm mowing the lawn , I miss her phone calls . I can 't hear my cell phone . She panics when she calls the church phone , the home phone , and the cell phone , and I don 't answer . She then worries that I 'm dead or something . This has only happened a couple of times , but it terrifies her . I promised her that next time I would text her before I started mowing the lawn , and tell her what I was doing and when she could call . After addressing the real issue , she was able to get back to work . We didn 't get the job done , but I 'm satisfied with the progress we made . Posted by When we lived in Tiny Village , it was 10 - 12 miles to get a tank of gas or loaf of bread . Now that we are in a more metropolitan area , everything is closer . This morning I decided I wanted to run some errands on the other side of town . That always seems like it is so far away . I was surprised when I looked at the odometer and realized it was only 12 miles . Daughter is with me this weekend , since she chose not to go to the big dance last night . She got a hair cut this morning , and then helped with recycling . I don 't know if I 'll be able to convince her to help in the yard or not . . . . Right now she 's taking a nap . She really is much more pleasant to have around now . Last night I took her to see the new Madagascar movie . I 'd promised a movie the night of the dance if she chose not to go . I let her pick the movie . Yesterday was the last day of school , and we went to the 4 : 05 movie . The place was packed with children . While it wasn 't my choice , it was a cute movie . I 'm enjoying my weekend with Daughter . Posted by I discovered that slugs were eating my strawberries . Yesterday evening I placed an aluminum pie pan with some beer in it among the strawberries . I was amazed at the number of dead slugs in it this morning . I have two lilac bushes in the backyard that are not blooming . I don 't think they get enough sun . One was huge . I spent time today cutting them both down . Daughter helped me with the clean - up , though there 's more to do . Cutting them down was the easy part . . . . My garden angel and her husband , A , came by . He cut down a large limb I had been working on . He was the second man to attempt to finish it , and both complained about the difficulty of it . They were both on a ladder . I was working from the ground with the saw on my pruner that extends . It made me feel a little bit better about not being able to cut all the way through it . A also hung some brackets up high in my garage . I have placed a pipe and the poles form my volleyball net up there . He looked in the attic and confirmed that the vent above my stove does exhaust to the outside . My current vent fan isn 't connected to it , and at some point I want to change it . My five foot step ladder and my short stature are such that I couldn 't do these things on my own . A also got up on my roof to sweep off the pollen and leaves the large locust tree in my backyard had deposited up there . He expressed concern that they were damaging my roof . I had been pondering getting the tree removed because it is so messy , but this settled it . As big as the tree is , it will still be cheaper to remove it than replace the roof . My red bud tree should get healthier when it 's not in the shade of the locust tree . I think the new exhaust fan for the kitchen will have to wait . While A was doing the tasks with his ladders , his wife spread 6 more bins of mulch in the back yard . I 've been filling my trash cans with the mulch they shredded after our spring clean - up day at the church . Two of the men with trucks have been willing to transport the full bins for me . I could still use several more loads , and I 'm grateful that they 're so willing to lend a hand . I love my house and gardens . It 's a blessing to be able to spend a day working in them , and I 'm grateful for those who are willing to lend a helping hand . Daughter had an appointment with her primary care physician today . House staff was supposed to pick her up from her program and deliver her to the appointment . I was going to meet them there . I arrived 15 minutes before the appointment , as requested . Daughter called and announced they had just left . They were on the other side of town . Then she called and said they had hit a detour due to construction . Then she called and asked which way they were supposed to go . I had no idea where they were . They were late . I asked the staff member if she knew what refills / orders Daughter needed . She said , " I don 't know . They just told me to take her to her appointment . " I was very frustrated , to say the least . However , I decided it wasn 't my problem . I let it go . I considered telling them I 'd handle the appointments in the future , but decided against that . It 's not my problem . Daughter is healthy , that 's what matters . She did well with the news her camp was cancelled . She was disappointed , and was appropriate . I told her today I was proud of how well she handled it . She called at one point last night an told me she needed a hug . I pointed out that she could ask one of the women for a hug . She has been comforting one in particular . I suggested she tell R it was her turn to comfort Daughter . She wasn 't convinced . I reminded her she had Grandma 's quilt , and if she wrapped herself in it , it was like Grandma and I were hugging her . That seemed to work . At least she didn 't call again after that . . . . Posted by I saw the cardiologist this morning . He said my tests didn 't show any problems . I 'm grateful . I don 't have to go back . Daughter leaves for camp Monday . She 's getting rather anxious about it . I received a message this morning telling me she couldn 't live at her house anymore because the women were driving her crazy . Earlier this week it was her program that had to change . She is very much in the moment , and when she gets frustrated , she immediately demands a change . I 'm pondering if I can convince her to wait some period of time before demanding a change . I ignore her requests , because I know they reflect momentary frustration . I 'm not so sure Case Manager has figured that out yet . I responded to this morning 's text by telling her it was good she 'd get a break when she went to camp , and that we all need breaks occasionally . She hasn 't replied , probably because by the time I was free to respond it was no longer an issue . Sigh . Posted by This evening I was sitting in the family room in the back of the house , and the doorbell rang . By the time I got to it , no one was there , though I saw some girls running down the street . My phone was ringing , so I shut the door and went to answer the phone . I didn 't get there in time , but it was Daughter , so I called her back . The doorbell rang again , and this time they leaned on it . I opened the door and it was the three young girls I 'd seen running away . One of the girls said , " I know you from somewhere . I don 't know where , but I know you , " and gave me a hug . I mentioned the mentoring program the church is involved with for at risk kids . Her face lit up , " That 's it ! " I 'm the official story teller for the twice a year parties we have at the church with the kids . They wanted my teenage daughter . I explained Daughter wasn 't a teen , and is only here once a week . I suspect they are the grandchildren of a woman I met shortly after I moved in . She is raising them because their parents can 't . They are in our mentoring program . I suspect they are RAD , and there may be some issues from prenatal exposure to drugs . I 'm grateful I 'm through that stage . When we lived in Inner City , the summer school teacher released Daughter early . On my way to pick her up , I saw her walking up to a strange house . Fortunately I was able to stop her . I talked to the teacher the next day , and asked her not to release my 7 year old daughter early unless I was there to pick her up . I feel for the grandmother . Posted by Daughter called me a little while ago . She went to the thrift shop today , and bought some things she 'll need for camp next week , including a swimsuit and flash light . I 'm impressed , and grateful that I don 't have to purchase them . She continues to run hot and cold . Yesterday she was upset about minutiae . Today , we 're having more adult conversations without attempts to manipulate . I told her about the skunk that 's been hanging around the house , and she was interested in my schedule . She wasn 't insisting I come rescue her . In fact , she sent me a wonderful text this morning : I can tell it 's getting close to vacation . I 'm tired , and it 's getting harder to motivate myself to get much done . I 'm down to my last three Sundays before I have four Sundays off . I 'm done teaching until fall . The big project for the summer is going to be updating publicity pieces , like our brochures and the website . However , I 'm having a hard time motivating myself to write sermons right now , which makes starting on those other things rather challenging . This morning I went to the hospital for a member who was having surgery , and waited with his wife so she wouldn 't be alone . Since I came into the office I 've had a steady stream of visitors . They 've been a welcome distraction from other things . We have received three bids on replacing the furnace and air conditioner for the sanctuary . I 've had two conversations about timing and funding that project . One of the men who has been doing some historical research brought me in an annual report from 35 years ago . The church was growing then , and he pointed out that they were focused on the same things I 've been encouraging the board to address . He saw this as confirmation I 'm leading them in the right direction . It was a good conversation and a good recognition . It doesn 't change the fact that I 'm tired , though . In a few minutes , I 'll head home for a couple of hours before coming back for this evening 's meeting . I have 6 more meetings before vacation . Some of them will have some pretty significant business to discuss . I hope I will have something to offer . Right now , though , I 'm tired . Vacation is coming , and I need it . Posted by Daughter decided she did want to spend the day with me yesterday , so I picked her up , and we had a good day seeing the sights here in town . She has grown and matured so much . She was patient , didn 't make demands - - in fact , I don 't think she asked me to buy her anything all day . It was a long day , and she didn 't complain at all . There were some things we had planned to do that we didn 't get to do , and she was okay with that . She is needing less direction from me . I don 't have to remind her to do things . This morning she packed her stuff and got it into the car without me saying a word . She has lost enough weight that some of her jeans were falling down , so she brought some home a couple of weeks ago . I promised her I 'd put elastic in the back waist band to make them fit better . I haven 't finished them yet , and she hasn 't complained . In fact , she told me not to worry about it , there wasn 't any rush . She really is doing well , and I 'm proud of her progress . She will be going back to the adult special needs camp a week from tomorrow . She 's very excited about it , and has requested help figuring out what she needs to pack . Life is good . Posted by I think I 've figured out at least part of the mystery of the ceiling fan . When the light switch near the garage is in the off position , the ceiling fan is on . When it 's up , the ceiling fan is off . Why it works this way , I don 't know . What I do know is that if I want both the light and ceiling fan on , I need to turn the light on in the dining area . It 's nice the have figured that much out , though it still makes no sense to me that the fan can be on when power is supposedly off . . . . It rained all day yesterday . While that was good for my garden and budget , since the sprinkler system didn 't need to run , it means I wasn 't able to get out and work in the yard yesterday . I missed that time out working in the sunshine . I still haven 't decided what I 'm going to do today . There 's a festival / event in Capital today , but it would mean being outside , which is good and bad . If the sun is shining , I 'd get my outside exercise in the walking . If it rains , I 'll get wet . It 's not going to be very warm today , so if I get wet , I 'll be cold . The sun is shining right now , so I 'll probably look at the weather forecast and go . It will be good to be outside and active . Posted by There is a tourist event in our community tomorrow . Last year Daughter and I participated and we both really enjoyed it . I offered her the opportunity to go with me a gain this year . She declined . It 's the first time she has turned down an opportunity to spend time with me and get away from her house . That 's definitely major progress . I 'm surprised , and a little disappointed . I will go alone , and I will have fun . I won 't have to listen to her complain . Of course , last year I was pleasantly surprised because she didn 't complain . . . . I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
This year was very unexpected . Nothing that happened in it was planned by me . It was a very hard year . It was full of difficulty and pain . There was so much heartache and tears . The wounds are deep . I hadn 't planned to leave my husband . I hadn 't planned to go into a shelter . I hadn 't planned to leave New York . I hadn 't planned to live with my sister , my mother or my friend . I hadn 't planned to have my baby by myself . I hadn 't planned to be a single mother . Still though , I 'm thankful . This year was the year that God planned to deliver me . It was the year when God knew that I was ready . He knew that all I had been through up until this year had equipped me for the exodus . He knew that I was at a place in my life where I would trust Him completely for the strength necessary for the journey . This has been a year of revolution in my life , and revolution is usually accompanied by war . The one oppressing my life had to be overthrown . God fought all the battles and handed me all the victories . My enemy pursued me in an attempt to crush me . In the end , he was defeated . The enemy of all mankind tried to tell me I couldn 't do it , I wouldn 't make it , that I was stupid and my life was over . But my heavenly Father said , " Not so . " I am so thankful . This was the year that a change was gonna come . All change begins with a decision . A decision got me in this relationship and a decision got me out . I decided that my children and I couldn 't live with the pain and the fear any longer . I decided that we deserved to live in peace . My decision passed judgement on something that had not really been a consideration and it translated into the catalyst I needed to act on it . God has truly caused all things to come together for our good . He has done some amazing things for us this year . There is not a single thing that I could 've made happen on my own in the perfect succession in which He did it . My children and I have witnessed first hand the way God does miracles today that are as awesome as the parting of the sea . When I walked out of the door of my prison / home with my children for the last time , I had no idea what to expect . I didn 't have a plan and I had no idea what would come next . I had just jumped off a cliff without a parachute . I stepped out to cross the sea without a bridge . But God showed me that He is my parachute and if I take the courage to jump He will bring me to the ground gently . He showed me that if I will step out in faith onto the water , He will build the bridge step by step as I go . He is my bridge over troubled waters . So on Thanksgiving and really everyday , I have so very much to be thankful for . I am thankful we are free . I am thankful we are safe . I am thankful that we no longer live in fear . When Thanksgiving rolled around the very first year that I was in a relationship with my husband , I naturally assumed we 'd spend it together . Unbeknownst to me , my husband ( boyfriend at the time ) had made plans behind my back to spend Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter . Not only would he be going over for dinner , he 'd be over early so that he could cook the turkey . When I called him to discuss what we 'd do for the holiday , that 's when he informed me of what his plans already were . I was dumbfounded . Who does that ? How can you be in a relationship with someone for 5 months and turn around and spend a major holiday with someone you 've been out of a relationship with for 5 months ? I asked him how could he do that ? I asked him not to do it . I asked him if I was invited ? I wasn 't . I told him that what he was doing wasn 't right , that he was in a relationship with me . But all of my pleading fell on cold deaf ears . His daughter wanted him to cook turkey ( so he says ) . Period . End of discussion . I was crushed . I cried . On top of that , he had the audacity to get mad at me . I was the one that was betrayed . Yet he proceeded to get loud and scream at me on the phone . He was cursing and probably foaming at the mouth . He cursed me up and down , in and out . Then he hung up on me . I was speechless . I had never been treated like that by anyone . I don 't even think I knew how to react . I said to myself , " Screw him , it 's over . I won 't answer his calls anymore . " I don 't know how many times over the years I 've gotten mad at myself for not sticking to that . How I 've agonized and wished desperately that I could turn back time and drop him right then and there . Of course he called me at some point and talked me back into this stupid thing with him . I don 't remember how long after he hung up on me or how soon before Thanksgiving that he called , but he had his idea of how the day would be for me . His idea : He 'd go over his ex girlfriend 's house and spend the entire day cooking and eating with them . I 'd spend this time waiting for him in his empty , cold apartment that he had just moved into in Brooklyn . He had no heat , almost no furniture and no cable . Then at the end of the day when he was full and they had their full of each other , he 'd come back and have his full of me . Mind you , I had a very nice apartment of my own in New Jersey that was fully furnished , warm , had cable and a nice stereo system . Why on earth would I drive to NY to sit in his cold dark apartment so that after he had his day with them he could come have his way with me ? I told him that wasn 't happening . I am proud to say that I didn 't go and I wasn 't his dessert that night , I was at least strong enough for that . A day or two before Thanksgiving , I had bought several bottles of alcohol and intended to drink them all by myself . I was hoping that I could drink myself to death actually . I was pretty depressed . This was the first Thanksgiving that I wasn 't spending with my son and soon to be ex - husband from my first marriage . They went to Virginia to spend the holiday with some of his family down there . He had actually invited me to come with them , but out of respect for my boyfriend that I thought I was in a serious relationship with , I declined . Now I felt stupid . I could 've gone with them if I knew what this fool was planning behind my back . I was lonely and low and I had a sociopath for a boyfriend , but didn 't know it at the time . Well , over the years Thanksgiving didn 't get better with him . The first one he spent with his ex and daughter . The second one he didn 't want to go anywhere or do anything , so we spent it alone . Maybe we had Chinese takeout , I don 't remember . The third one , he didn 't want to come with me to my grandmother 's house , and so on and so on . Thanksgiving became this time of trepidation for me . I would get anxious when the holiday was coming up , because I knew something bad or not right was going to go down . There were arguments or fights . Later when he finally had a steady job , he had to work and I was home alone with one baby , then two , then three . It felt lonely and sad . Growing up , Thanksgiving had always been so much fun . Everyone would come to my grandmother 's house for dinner . There were cousins and aunts and uncles . It was lively and loud . There was music and football and laughter . I greAfter several years with my husband I dreaded it . I wished it wasn 't even on the calendar . I knew that whatever warm good family time everyone else was having , whatever I would experience would be far from that . I began to not care about the holiday , even resent it . I hated that there was a day on the calendar to magnify the situation in my life and what I was missing . I wasn 't interested in going anywhere and didn 't really want to cook , but would for the sake of the children , even though they didn 't typically want any food that 's on the traditional Thanksgiving menu . They had no idea what a real family Thanksgiving was like , but I didn 't want them to not experience it altogether . So now it 's our first Thanksgiving of freedom . My first Thanksgiving in which Jeff is no longer in my life on a relationship level . But it 's still weird for me . I really don 't want to do anything or go anywhere . To have dinner with any of my family I have my choice of driving 2 & 1 / 2 hours , 3 hours or 5 hours one way , then same thing back again . It would be a waste of time for me to stay home and cook dinner for me and the children who pretty much wouldn 't want more than turkey and rice . For now I 've opted for the 2 & 1 / 2 hour drive . The joy of the holiday hasn 't returned yet and maybe it never will . But never is a long time , so I 'll remain hopeful . And my husband ? Will he be having a sad , lonely holiday , lamenting the loss of his beautiful wife and children ? Not at all ! The first Thanksgiving after leaving him , my husband will be spending it where he spent the first Thanksgiving after meeting him . That 's right , back with his ex and their now almost 21 year old daughter . Apparently since the children and I have been gone , that is where he has been spending a lot of his days and nights and weekends . Truth is , he was probably seeing her throughout the time we were together . I was never comfortable with his relationship with her . It was always secretive and sneaky . There were times when I questioned things and ended up getting cursed out or into a physical fight after he hit me because of it . Well , they picked up right where they left off as if their relationship was on pause or in a state of suspended animation . It 's as if I imagined the past 11 years . He took this break with her to come into and destroy my life , then go back to her as if the children and I never happened . And her pathetic behind is there as usual , to take him back into her life and into her bed as if the time he has spent married to another woman and having 4 children with her is of no consequence . Prior to me they had broken up a few times , probably because of his infidelities . He 'd go off do his thing , live with other women , the whole nine , then come back and she 'd lap him up . I didn 't matter to him and the fact that he was with me all these years doesn 't matter to her . I don 't get them . I don 't understand people like them . The closest I can come is that they are both nasty dogs . He 's the nasty dog that humps every bitch ( female dog ) in sight , and she 's the nasty bitch ( female dog , of course ) that keeps licking up her vomit for his humping . Nasty nasty . Well they deserve each other . So 11 years and 4 children later , Thanksgiving has come full circle . Now it is complete . He is finally and officially out of the circle of life with me and our children . Things ended where they began . Crazy as hell . One day things will be normal for me again . That first Thanksgiving was my warning , my preview of things to come . Unfortunately back then I was at such a low point in my life , I made an easy victim for him because I was too weak to fight for myself . Well , what 's done is done . In spite of all that has happened , I do have a lot to be thankful for . And I 'll give all my thanks in my next post . He spit on me . It was the most disgusting thing anyone on this planet had ever done to me . My husband spit on me , his wife , in front of our very young children . He spit in my face . He spit in my hair , on my chest , my head . I was spit on anywhere his spit landed . It felt like slime and it smelled soooooooo bad . He had one of the worst cases of halitosis of anyone that I had ever known . He smoked weed , had some rotting teeth in his mouth and barely brushed them . I had not kissed him beyond a peck for this very reason for years . Why did he spit on me ? Is there really ever a reason to spit on anyone ? From what I remember we were having a conversation that was related to an altercation from either the day before or earlier that day . We weren 't yelling or arguing , just quietly talking . I was in the bathroom and he was standing right outside the door . I don 't remember how the conversation began or everything that was said , but I do remember that right before he began spitting on me , I simply said , " There are men who hit and men who don 't . You are a man who hits . " Then as usual he changed in an instant . His face changed , his voice changed and I could see that evil glare in his eyes . He got loud and he said , " So I 'm a man that hits ? F # % K YOU ! " Then he spit in my face . I couldn 't believe he had just done that and my mind was reeling trying to process it . I guess my look of shock was pleasing to him , so he spit again . I said , " Jeff , please stop , " and put my head down to shield my face . He kept saying , " F # % K YOU , " and continued to spit . I began to cry and squeezed past him out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen all the while asking him to stop . He followed me and continued this scene of cursing , gathering his spit and projecting it onto me , while little Justina and Solomon sadly looked on . I went back into the bathroom and he followed me and at some point he stopped and walked away . I was crying and began to try and wash the stench off of me . I used soap and water to try and get the funk out of my hair and off my skin . I didn 't retaliate , yell , argue or fight with him this day . I just cried . I 'm not a spitter so I wasn 't going to go follow him and start spitting back . What he did was so hurtful that all I wanted was to get away from him . When I left the bathroom I went straight to the bedroom and got the phone and called my dad . I told him that Jeff was starting trouble again and asked if the kids and I could come over and he said of course we could . As I packed a bag for us , Jeff suddenly changed again . He was asking me not to go . He was acting like he was sorry and began pleading with me not to go . I told him that he had proved my point . I said there are men who abuse and men who don 't and his getting angry and spitting on me , was exactly what I was talking about . It was the kind of man that he is . But I was going no matter what he said . I was shocked , hurt and humiliated . I felt a new level of degradation and disrespect . I couldn 't stomach to be around him . While at my dad 's , he called several times to talk to me and tell me he was wrong and he was sorry . Words he didn 't mean . They 're included in the abuser 's bag of tricks . What I don 't understand is , if you have so much contempt for someone that you have to curse them filthily and spit on them repeatedly , why would you want to be with them ? If he hated me so much ( for what reason , I 'll never know ) why not just leave me ? Well after 2 days , the kids and I returned . He was over his act of humility in about a day , and the abuse continued in its regular fashion of cursing , name calling , controlling , hitting and fighting . I 've wondered sometimes , how many people have ever been spit on ? How many of them were spit on by someone they loved ? Then I 'd think about Jesus . He was spit on too . He was spit on by people He loved . The sinners He came to die to save , spit on Him in addition to verbally and physically abusing Him . I was loving my husband , forgiving him and staying with him , when he didn 't deserve me , my forgiveness or my love . I 'm not Jesus and not even close to being like Him , yet . But I 'm doing my best to follow His example in my life . Knowing that He went through something that I went through , helps me see it in a different light . I 'm in the company of the Savior . Granted , we experienced the same thing for very different reasons , but I 'm sure the way it felt was the same - it hurt . I 'm pretty sure no one will ever spit on me again in my life . But if it happened again , it surely wouldn 't be done by someone who is supposed to love me . According to my husband he only had one fight with a male in his life . He was in high school and had said something smart to an obviously gay young man that I guess he 'd thought nothing of on account of the guy being gay . But to his surprise , this effeminate young man , jumped a fence or wall and got to him and beat him up , embarrassing and humiliating him in front of whoever was around to see it . From that time on , he only fought women and terrorized children . He was arrested on a domestic violence charge after assaulting another woman he lived with when she called the police and he spent the weekend in jail . The charges were eventually dismissed because he blackmailed her into dropping them . While they lived together , she paid for some stuff at Victoria 's Secret with one of his checks that she signed . So he told her that if she didn 't drop the charges , he would press charges against her for forgery . When he first told me this story shortly after meeting me , he said that she was crazy and had made the whole thing up . He said that she just wanted to get him out of his apartment , as he was forced to leave due to the charges against him . He also said that she peed on his kitchen floor for no reason , she slept with a knife under her side of the bed , and she was forging his checks . Prior to him driving her across the country to come live with him , he said they had been good friends for a long time . Then I guess without provocation , she let the psycho out of the bag . I believed him at first , because I had no reason not to . I had known him for a few weeks or so and he appeared anything but abusive . He was charming , polite , funny , fun , smart and a gentleman . So she must 've been crazy , right ? He kept telling me that I was beautiful and that I was making him fall in love with me . I believed him hook , line and sinker . It wasn 't until years later , after enduring physical and every other kind of abuse there was and being called crazy and off to the point where I began to think I was , did I begin to realize , that he actually abused that woman . I don 't know if that was the first time he hit her or the last , but she called the police that day . I understood the fear she must have felt when she peed on herself and why she slept with that knife under her side of the bed . I also had " went " on myself once , I had been that afraid too . I confronted him years later after another abusive episode and told him that I believed he did hit that girl and that 's why she called the police . And you know what ? He admitted it . He kinda laughed about it as if he was just busted stealing a cookie from the cookie jar . I guess he must have been thinking , " Very good stupid , you finally figured it out . " He nonchalantly recounted his version of the story to me , admitting to choking her at one point , smiling and laughing at times , as if proud of himself . Although I wasn 't surprised at this information , I was still dumbstruck at hearing it . I felt like a fool . I had been had . But it was too late now , I was trapped . I had children with this psycho . Why didn 't I see this incident as a red flag from the beginning , no matter what the version ? He played the pity card so well , I fell for it and had even felt bad that this nice guy had to endure a weekend in jail because of a crazy scheming ex - girlfriend . He was , excuse me , IS a very skilled liar , Ted Bundy style - doing it with a smile . My husband took pride in the fact that he never punched me , in his mind that meant he wasn 't abusive . When I would tell him he hit me , he would say , " I didn 't hit you , I mushed you . " Well , he mushed me . He pushed me . He smacked me . He slapped me . He shoved me , squeezed me , and dug his nails into me . He threw things at me . He pulled my hair . He wrestled me . He fought me like someone he 'd fight on the street . Over the past 10 years , I was covered with hundreds of bruises and had dozens and dozens of cuts and scratches . He did all of these things in front of our innocent and frightened children . He didn 't care what they saw or how terrified they were . He ignored their cries and screams . At times I was able to get them into the bedroom and close the door to shield them . But they could still hear those awful sounds of adults fighting . Sounds you sometimes can hear forever . He was a family terrorist . Once he slammed my arm in a door when I was about 7 months pregnant with our first child . My arm was very swollen , scratched up , sore and had just about all the colors of the rainbow . I had never seen a bruise like it . It looked really bad and felt terrible . I thought that I should probably go to the hospital , but I didn 't . I was afraid of what would happen to him and then to me and the baby . We were basically homeless at the time , renting a room from a heroin junkie in Washington Heights . He was making pennies working as a security guard , but they were the only pennies there were at the time . I was afraid to be alone and have the baby without him . To this day there is a lump in my right forearm from that injury . That was about one of the worst and most painful injuries he had ever given me . He fought me throughout all of my pregnancies . Most people are careful , helpful and kind to pregnant women . He isn 't one of them . He wouldn 't even open a door for me and rarely helped me with anything . I still had just as much housework and child - work as I did when not pregnant . He didn 't care and had not one ounce of shame in his game . My being pregnant with his baby didn 't matter in the least to him . He would fight me like a man no matter what stage of pregnancy I was in - early , mid , late term or freshly delivered . The harm he could have done to me or the baby wasn 't even a passing thought to him . Then again , maybe it was . He would fight me if I was holding the baby or nursing the baby and would even attack me if he were holding one of them . He would get angry and sometimes take whichever baby he was holding and shove them forcefully into me . The babies were no deterrence to him . If he wanted to hit me or hurt me , he would and no one , no matter how precious or fragile would stop him . He fractured my rib . One day he started a major fight with me , it was an exceptionally scary one for some reason , and sticks out in my mind . Our third child , Joshua was about 6 months old at the time and lying on the bed . Jeff was tackling me onto the bed and we rolled on the baby . I was screaming at him about hurting the baby , he didn 't care . Then at one point he had me pinned down on the bed and began crushing me with all his body weight . He pressed on me and pressed on me until I felt like I couldn 't breathe . Then I felt a cracking in my ribs and then a sharp pain under my right breast . I screamed and he finally got up . I told him that I was in a lot of pain and it hurt to breathe , that I believed he fractured my rib . When I told him that I needed to go to the hospital , suddenly he turned caring and concerned , as if he wasn 't the cause of it . He told me not to try to move . Then he went to the computer and looked up rib fractures I guess . He came back and told me that I didn 't need to go to the hospital , that they don 't do anything for it , that it just heals on its own in about 6 weeks . I just had to take it easy . Every breath I took caused a piercingly sharp pain , so I had to breathe softly and shallowly . I tried to pick up the baby and it hurt . He told me that he would help me with heavy lifting until I felt better . He was actually kinda nice to me for the rest of the day and a couple days afterward . I thank God it was a fracture and not a break that could 've punctured my lung . That was the most serious injury he had ever inflicted upon me . He had sex with me whenever he wanted to and as many times as he wanted . Other than my body , it had nothing to do with me . It was him gratifying himself . He lied to me about most things . But during the 2 - 5 minutes he used me to get himself off , he would tell me how much he loved my body . That is one of the few things he said that I believe was the truth . He didn 't love me , but he loved what my body did for him . It was basically vaginal masturbation . I was never on the pill and never wanted to be . I simply don 't trust drugs and things that have to be ingested that aren 't natural . So I didn 't want any injections or implants that secrete drugs or hormones or anything of that nature . I didn 't want to end up with cervical , breast or some other form of cancer one day . I had an IUD for 10 years prior to him and wanted to go back to that . But it cost about $ 500 and we didn 't have insurance . He kept telling me we would get it , but somehow found other things to spend our money , excuse me , his money on . He bought condoms but rarely used them , at least not with me . That 's why we have so many children together , not because I loved reproducing with him . Having sex was not usually a mutual decision . I was usually awakened in the wee hours of the morning to being penetrated . He never asked me if I wanted to or if I was in the mood . There was no foreplay . As far as he was concerned , I was his property and he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me whether it was hit me or screw me . Was I being raped ? I 'm still not sure . It wasn 't violent and I didn 't stop him . But I didn 't stop the predator that raped me over several months when I was 14 either and I 'm pretty sure that was rape . Speaking of which , my husband once told me shortly before I left him , that I had so many children because I was raped when I was younger and he was dead serious . I looked at him and thought , " You really are insane and think you can make me believe anything you say . " I asked him if that were the case , how come I only had one child from one husband whThis was my husband and when he was done " doing his business , " instead of feeling loved , I felt like an unloved worthless piece of meat . . . In the early days of our relationship when I was working , he would call me at work to argue with me after he had kept me up all night arguing with me . I would hang up on him and he would call back again and again . I got in trouble with my job once and was put on probation after he called me over and over again when I went in to work overtime on a weekend . All the calls were monitored because it was a PC help - desk . They were able to see that when I was supposed to be taking calls from clients , I was receiving repeated calls on an outside line from this maniac . Later on when I was a stay at home mom , I didn 't have access to anything that had to do with money . I was on the same level as the kids in the home . His name was the only one on any account . He and he alone held any credit cards there were . He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for any and all bank accounts . He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for the stock account . He moved the money and only he knew exactly how much was coming in and going out . He doled out small sums of money to me on an " as needed basis . " Once he started working off the books , I didn 't even know how much he made . Times were always tough with him , but there were some times that got rougher than others . Although I was staying at home with our children , I offered to go to work at least part time to ease things a bit . He was always against it . He said the money I made would just go to pay for daycare or that it wouldn 't add on that much and it was more important for me to be at home with the kids . He would say that he 'll do overtime or something . Anything that he would come up with was just to keep me at home . He didn 't want me to be out there making any money of my own . He didn 't want me to do anything that he couldn 't be in control of . I rarely bought anything for myself . No new clothes , shoes , or anything . I didn 't get my hair or nails done . Even when I received money as gifts from my mom or dad for my birthday or Mother 's Day , I didn 't really use it on me . I used it for the kids or the home . It allowed me to be able to purchase things without having to go to him . If felt good to be able to just go buy some toothpaste on my own instead of having letting him know we needed it , because either he 'd get it or he 'd give me a few dollars to get it . On the few occasions when I did need to get something for myself , he 'd take me shopping and pay for it . When he went shopping for himself , which was way more frequent , he 'd go alone . When I needed something , the whole family had to come along . I felt like a stupid kid . I felt under pressure and rushed because the children were restless and he 'd be giving off this energy and look like , " Hurry up . " I also felt like I was being watched . I felt uncomfortable and couldn 't shop in peace . I would usually end up quickly taking something I didn 't want or say that I couldn 't find anything and continue to do without , just to end the shopping experience . On the one trip he took me on in the 11 years I was with him , he was actually picking out my clothing . Instead of giving me a couple hundred dollars and letting me go to the store like the grown woman that I was , he took me shopping like a parent takes a child . I felt like his daughter instead of his wife . I would pick out things that I liked and showed it to him for approval . If he didn 't approve , it was put back . I think of all the things that were purchased for me for that trip , I may have only picked out 1 or 2 pieces . He picked out ugly , cheap and cheesy , hookerish looking costume earrings for me and like a good abusee , I wore them . He even picked out my sunglasses . I didn 't even like them and told him I wanted to look around at some other kinds . He got an attitude and began to say something to the effect of , " What 's wrong with these ? They look good on you , they 're fine , you don 't need to look at anymore . " I knew where this would go , so I just shut up and took the stupid glasses . I felt like I was in some Lifetime Network " bad man " TV movie . I remember thinking , " This can 't be real . I can 't believe this is happening . I 've shopped for myself my whole life and at 37 years old , he is picking out my clothes and accessories ? ! ! This is bad , really bad . . . " He was verbally abusive . My husband called me the " B " word so many times over the years , I 'd probably be a millionaire if I had a penny for each time . Sometimes he 'd jazz it up , by starting it off with " stupid , f # c % king , ghetto ( or a combination of those ) . Funny being called ghetto by someone that grew up in the projects of Harlem , who I was academically superior to and spoke better than . Anyway , he 'd scream it at me right in the faces of our children , or my son who was over for a visit . I would not have been surprised if it were our babies ' first words . I remember once I was cooking some oatmeal for our daughter who was a baby at the time , maybe 9 months old . I held her on my hip with one arm , while I cooked with the other . My husband was screaming and cursing and berating me as usual for who knows what and got up in my face so close that I could feel his breath and his spit as he called me an " f @ c % king ghetto b # t % h ! , " at the top of his lungs . I often wonder if my baby girl thought he was screaming it at her , as her face was right there in the midst . I threw the cinnamon that I was holding in his face and he flew into a rage and hit me . He 'd call me stupid , dumb , idiot and on one occasion told our then 4 year old daughter to , " Call mommy a stupid , dumb , idiot . " My daughter was crying and said , " NO ! " Our son Solomon who was 2 years old at the time , happened to be sitting on his father 's lap and hit his father in the face . Jeff then , smacked this baby in his tiny little face and made him cry . I screamed at him and took the baby from him . But none of this shut him up , he kept going and going . He would call me crazy and tell me that I was " off " and that I had issues . I would be sad or depressed obviously because of how I was being treated . At some point almost everyday I would go into the bathroom to cry . If he saw me and could tell I had been crying , he would ask me in his cruel way of saying things , " What is wrong with you ? " Before one of the last altercations three days before Christmas 2008 , he began to berate me because some Nintendo Wii Systems that he asked me to post on eBay didn 't sell as he thought they would so that he could make some money . He told me that this happened because he followed me down the wrong path again . I reminded him that this wasn 't my idea it was his , all I did was post them . He kept going on until we were in an argument . He said this was all another part of my stupid life . I told him that I could tell him about my stupid life and got up and went into the bedroom . He followed right behind me and said something , and when I turned around , he hit me in the face . An terrible fight ensued . He would tell me that I was nothing and would never be anything . He would yell and had a filthy mouth full of poisonous venom . He had a low life ignorant street vocabulary and he 'd curse and say a lot of mean and nasty things . He was like a septic tank that was constantly backing up . . . He was psychologically abusive . He was jealous , possessive and controlling . Early in the relationship , he went to Vegas with his friend for a week , and I 'm sure whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas . When I asked him about what they did when they weren 't having a meeting with someone , he told me he stayed in his hotel room - in Sin City . Yeah , right . I was offered an opportunity about a month or so later , to go to Jamaica and do a photo shoot for a swimsuit calendar . When I told him , he discouraged me of course . You would think that a guy would be proud of that - his girlfriend in a swimsuit calendar ! Don 't guys like to show off that kind of thing ? Well he told me that the guy who made me the offer just wanted to f # c % me . I told him that I wouldn 't be going for that and that he could come if he wanted to ; they were going to pay my way , so we could pay for his . But he held his position and didn 't want me to do the shoot or go period . He was just my boyfriend and I had only been with him for about 4 months . I was a grown woman , and this was my life . I didn 't have to listen to him . I could do whatever I wanted to right ? I didn 't go . He isolated me . He didn 't want me to go see any of the friends in my life that I had prior to knowing him . He didn 't want me to communicate at all with a very close male friend of mine that I had known for about 6 years before I met him , because according to Jeff , my friend also wanted to f # c % me . He didn 't want me to go do anything social that didn 't involve him , while he kept doing everything he did prior to me . I often wouldn 't even know he had gone to something until after he came back . He went to a Christmas party at the studio that he was working with when we met . This party was wild and had a LIVE SEX show go on . He watched it . Those were the kinds of parties he went to , but I couldn 't go to my corporate office Christmas parties or after work get togethers anymore . There was one Christmas party for a company I worked for that we were supposed to be going to as a couple , but he didn 't want to go and didn 't want me to go either , so he started a fight . I ended up cut up and bloodied . Needless to say , I stayed home . He didn 't even want me to go to any of my family 's functions . On Thanksgiving for years , he didn 't want to go anywhere and didn 't want me to go either . One year he acted all pitiful and said that he just wanted to spend time with just me . Another year he said , he just didn 't want to be around my family . I believe my son was with me that year , so I just left him and my son and I went . The only Thanksgiving he ever seemed interested in celebrating was our first one , that he spent cooking and eating with his ex and their daughter , while I spent it alone . Even once we had children , the holidays were always tense and sometimes he flat out ruined them by making them into a day of horror with arguing or fighting . This last Christmas of 2008 the kids and I spent with my sister and her daughters after he came back from his business trip and started a terrible fight just 3 days before Christmas . Prior to that , the month had actually been going nice and I thought we were going to finally have a rare wonderful holiday . But getting back to his control early on , eventually over time , I learned to not go anywhere , it was too much of a hassle . I would spend all my free time with him as if there was an invisible chain around my neck , like the one Jabba the Hut had around Princess Lea in Star Wars . One year for Valentine 's Day , I picked him up at the mall he was working in and saw that he didn 't have a gift for me . So I jokingly said to him , " No gift for me ? " He explained to me that he didn 't have time to shop for a gift for me . ( He worked at the freaking mall in a store that engraves gifts ! ) When I pointed that out to him , he got angry and began yelling and cursing and when we stopped at a red light on a street that was a semi highway , he jumped out the car screaming that he would " go get me a # $ % & gift , " and began walking back in the direction of the mall . It was snowing pretty hard and we were already about 1 / 2 a mile away from the mall . I couldn 't believe he had just reacted that way . But instead of turning around to get him , I just drove on home . I was mad that he went psycho like that and was determined not to go back and get him . When he showed up at home hours later with a gift from Victoria 's Secret and gave it to me as if nothing had happened , I told him that he shouldn 't have gotten it . The spirit in which a gift is supposed to be given was ruined by his reaction and that now it didn 't feel the same . Well , what did I say that for ? He immediately flew into another rage and began to scream , curse and tear the gift up and throw it at me . terroristic tirades , he 'd often break the things in my apartment . He would throw them , leaving a hole in the wall and the object in pieces . He broke my house phone that cost me about $ 125 . He broke the mouse to my PC . He broke my French blinds . He broke a watch that I had given him for Christmas . He was clearly always in control of his actions and very aware and intentional about what he broke because he never threw or broke anything that he owned , paid for or meant anything to him . During this time period of about 2 years , I was working and except for his 5 month stint at the mall and a month or two at a couple of supermarkets , Jeff was not . He was living with me , but not contributing and while I was at work , he 'd be getting high all day and making beats . I remember being so afraid sometimes when I came home from work , that as I 'd be putting my key in the lock of my own front door , I was trembling and my heart was racing . I didn 't know what to expect that night . Would I get through the night in peace or did I just unlock the door to Hell , again . . . . . . ? He was emotionally abusive . His behavior was very hurtful to my heart . It was like he went out of his way to make sure that I didn 't feel good about myself . Very rarely would he compliment me . I could go to the hair dresser and come back looking pretty darn good . Most men would naturally compliment the women in their lives when they come back fresh from the salon . It would be strange and unnatural if they didn 't . Well , the unnatural is what Jeff would do to me . I would walk in and when I saw him , I thought his face would light up and he 'd tell me how good I looked or at least that my hair looked nice . He would say nothing . It would be as if I just came back from the laundromat or something . Not a word . It would hurt my feelings , but I 'm sure that was the intention behind his silence . He would find more fault and reasons to criticize me , than to encourage me and lift me up . He operated under , " If you have something nice to say , DON ' T ! " When our daughter was about a year old , I wrote what I thought was a cute little rhyming story for her and was proud of it . I shared it with Jeff and I don 't remember what he said , but I remember how it felt , it stung . After he was done ripping it apart , I felt stupid and small and didn 't want to share anything I wrote with anyone ever again . He didn 't support any of my dreams or goals . He didn 't support the things I liked to do or was interested in . Our lives became about him , his interests and the things he wanted to do . He would criticize what I watched on TV if it were not something he 'd watch . Yet any of the trash he looked at was fine . I have always had an interest in the law and eventually got my A . S . in Criminal Justice , which was to be the first leg on my journey to law school . So naturally , true crime shows interested me . He would make comments about me being so morbid . In 2005 I started writing and publishing a newsletter for my family . I would write short articles on spiritual matters , family , news that you don 't hear on regular TV , and anything else that would be He would disrespect me when it came to other women and let me know that he was a man and he could look at naked women if he wanted to , when I expressed to him that it hurt me when he did . He would let his ex disrespect me and call any hour of the night , and kept his daughter away from me because his ex didn 't want her around me . He spent our first Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter and I wasn 't invited . He made these plans behind my back and when I complained about it , he cursed me out and hung up the phone on me . I bought Christmas gifts for his daughter one year when he was broke . I also stayed up until the wee hours of the morning wrapping them by myself along with gifts I had for my son . I think Christmas is for the children and I didn 't want her not to have gifts from her father . As we got ready to go into NY and give them to her , he let me know that I wouldn 't be coming upstairs with him . He told me that I wasn 't welcome . He said , " That woman don 't want you in her house . " Since I was not welcome , then I didn 't see the need for me to drive into NY from my apartment in NJ . But it was getting late into the evening and his mother had already called him cursing him out and saying that she would attack me if she ever got near me , because she believed that I was keeping him from his daughter . She didn 't know that he was getting high most of the day and sleeping off and on . So he needed me to drive him into the city so that he could get there fast . I was upset and crying after being yelled at and told I wasn 't welcome after doing what I felt was a kind gesture on my part . But I responded like most abuse victims do . I pleased my abuser and did what he wanted me to do , confused within myself as to why I couldn 't just say no . When we got there , I guess he sensed that I might leave while he was upstairs , and I had it in my mind to do just that . So again he pleaded with me not to leave . And although I tossed the idea around while he was up in the apartment with his ex playing Santa with the Posted by To us he was an abusive , violent , sneaky , lying , unfaithful , mean , nasty , whoremongering , manipulative , and ugly man , inside and out . He is a poor excuse for a man , husband and father . Unfortunately I married him and gave birth to 4 of his children . He is completely devoid of love and uses people as a means to his own ends . There are really only three things that he loves : money , sex , and weed . He has spent his entire adult life pursuing and gratifying his insatiable desire for all three . He was incapable of loving his wife and children . He hurts the people that love him and are the most vulnerable to him . He abandons the ones he brings into this world and is supposed to protect from the cruelty of it . He is doing to his beautiful children , what his father , the one he doesn 't know , did to him . Our newborn baby , his third son - will not know him , which is actually a blessing . He won 't get the opportunity to hurt him or traumatize him . He got extremely lucky the day he met me and I gave him the time of day . I was a hurting young woman carrying a lot of pain inside ; it made me easy prey for him . I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world , but I was way too beautiful for him . Being with me was a dream come true for him and a long terrible nightmare for me . It would be so easy to hate him , I have so many reasons to and he is sooooo hateable . It 's finally over . After six months , the fifth and final appearance for child and spousal support took place on October 28 , 2009 . I was on the phone down here and deadbeat was in court in Queens . As usual most of the time was spent with the judge yelling at him for again not having what she asked him to have . Again he claims to not have made any money since January of this year , yet he showed business expenses of $ 25 , 000 in March . Of course she wanted to know how he could possibly pay out those kinds of expenses with no income . He hemmed and hawed and tried to tell her it was the economy and yada yada yada . She asked him how I was supposed to take care of 4 children on $ 500 a month . He offered his pathetic , " I love my children , " line again - as if love can substitute for money when it comes to their needs . She told him that the children were suffering . She told him that his share for the kids alone should be $ 1 , 500 a month . She kept asking and he kept trying to explain , sounding absolutely foolish . At one point she said that she should have his business records subpoenaed . I wasn 't happy to hear that because I just wanted this to end already . He was sounding like he was on the verge of crying and repeatedly told her that he had nothing else to show her . She asked me if I knew how much he made and I told her that I did not . Part of his abuse toward me was financial and therefore he kept anything having to deal with money a secret from me . I told her that he told me he made $ 5 , 000 per trip to Moscow , but that I didn 't believe that , I believed it was more . I had sent her a thick package the week before the appearance that contained as much relevant information as I could come up with . She wanted to know how he got paid , how was he living if he had no income . He told her that he is guaranteed a salary of $ 25 , 000 a year through his business and that he gets $ 2 , 000 a month . Well after this went on for about 25 minutes , with her asking him for this and that and him telling her he had nothing else to show her , she said tOn another note , at one point when she said that I had four children to take care of , he said , " WE have four children . " So I guess that 's his lame way of now acknowledging Emmanuel in the same court where he denied him weeks ago . What a sad , sorry , little man . |
When the apple - trees in our garden were still young , I was as big as the smallest of them . I was like a pea , like a piece of pie , like a candy wrapped in a colorful paper . Even smaller . I had a nose like a fin of a river trout and little hands like needles of a pine tree . Yes , I looked like that . But don 't think that I was haughty , that I leaned my head upon my back . No , I have never been like that . My parents can tell you that - mom and dad . At school they used to ask me what my mom and dad are doing . They wanted me to answer fast , to hurry up , as it was something unimportant , or to say - minor . The teacher would look at me through the windows of her glasses - waiting . She was waiting for the answer . Fast answer . As if the answer was an attic pigeon to rush from there as a thunder . It 's hard to say what mom and dad are doing , because mom and dad are my parents . They are mom and dad . - Look , kid how come you don 't get it ? I will repeat . What 's the job of your parents ? What ? Say ! - Well … Mom loves dad , dad loves mom , mom loves me , dad loves me , I love dad , dad loves sis , sis … . - And like this forever . It was important matter and I had to be correct and precise when I was answering . Dad says that . Me , mom , dad and sis - we love each other a lot . Sis is a big sis . She puts color on her lips . That 's not nice . Sis wants to have her hair colored too . Mom doesn 't let her to do that . That 's bad for the hair and bad for the looks . Mom says that . Sis gets angry ; she smears the lipstick over her face and runs away in her room . Nothing is clear to me . Sis tells me annoyed that I 'm stupid , that I don 't understand anything . When I turned 15 , my father bought a mower and cut the grass in our yard for the first time . It was then when I learned what is a blade , how you open it , how it cuts and how it cuts off . From the window of our bathroom I was watching my father mowing the grass . The bathroom smelled of antidandruff shampoo because I had just washed my hair . I felt warm and nice and I didn 't want to get out from there . Only the blade was bothering me . And my sister , knocking the door intently . The first day of high school brought a trayful of new kids that I was going to meet , in the new desks , in the new classrooms . And new teachers . Tough and those who pretend to be tough . And still , everything was same . Even the questions : Laughter . Everyone 's making joke . I 'm not in the mood of joking . I like jokes but the fact that daddy works in the garden - together with the nightingale that every summer used to visit - was interesting to me , but not funny . Not funny at all . The next spring my grandma died . The people were drawing near the bier carrying dark candles , with their pale faces trying to bring a fresh breath in the numbness of that day . I loved my grandma and that 's why I was sad too , but no one seemed to notice . Everyone was crying , I wanted to cry too , but I was scared . Even when the priest was singing , even when my mom was talking . Someone came , touched my shoulder and said : When I finished high school , they were widening the street in front of our house and they cut two apple - trees . I felt sorry for them . At that time my father had retired , and my mother had started to work at home . So now they could sit all day in the yard watering the lawn . They even planted some flowers . I entered university and I 'm studying a lot . I read a lot . I don 't want to hear any more that I 'm stupid and I don 't understand anything . I want to understand everything . I should say too that I have a girlfriend . She always has rosy cheeks and a bunch of hairpins in her hair . I like to spend afternoons with her - kissing . She asks me what my parents are doing . I 'm telling her the truth : they are planting flowers . And that 's true . I have never lied . She is laughing to me , and I laugh too . I 'm happy , happiest . One day - by the fence of the yard where the big neighborhood dog lives - she didn 't show up . She was not at her home ; she was not in her grandma 's place . When I saw her she didn 't laugh like before and she didn 't talk like before . She didn 't take my hand . She told me that she doesn 't love me . I got scared , I protested , I needed her appearance , her warmth , her kisses . She was determined . - It 's not that simple . The colors of the traffic light change , but red is longer than green . All the things change and move . We can 't be together forever . Do you understand ? Even the sky and the clouds are not always close . Brother and sister get apart , mother and child . Earth from sky , white from black , pain from joy , sweet from bitter . Nothing is forever . Everything changes . Our relationship is like a first snow , like first fallen tooth . Do you understand ? No ! I don 't want to understand , I gave up from understanding . I had firmly decided not to understand . But , it was too late , too late . I understood . Translated Donka Batakoya Motamedhoseini He slammed the door behind him . I stood in the room for a few moments , alone and confused . You can see how the fog hauls up from the window , there at Brighton and entirely unreachable for the eyes of others , somewhere at a great distance , I noticed the outlines of that stone shack by the sea , where ten years ago Brad broke his front teeth playing football . There wasn 't any noise from the hall and I knew that I was alone in the house . I haven 't been alone for a long time . Ah , damned wish to be alone . At this moment I did not even want my phone to ring . If I had heard that sound , that disturbing tone of the black box , I swear to God I would have gone mad ; I would 've smashed it against the wall . There were fingerprints from Brad 's palms on the wallpapers . We made them seven years ago , with our hands smeared with chocolate . My fingerprints were bigger and unnoticeable . They faded away . I wiped them myself with a swab made of rough cloth used for patching . My mother made me do it . - You are grown . You are grown enough to take care of your own actions . Soon you should look after him too . You are a bad girl . - … I 'm a bad girl , - this was the last sentence in my essay . The teacher , Mr . Carmichael , looked at me . He settled his look upon me , not giving any comment . I wasn 't offended at all . Sarah 's look didn 't affect me either . Sarah envies my essays . I envy her dresses . The teacher Carmichael quoted Coleridge and three times repeated the word artificial . What does " artificial " mean ? It doesn 't mean anything . For a class , that is a step close to finishing elementary school , it 's meaningless . Particularly for this infuriated group of pupils that all form masters gave up on . What on earth does " artificial " mean ? - Explain why don 't you come home after classes ? - He was yelling at me while I was running towards my room . A high tone conversation stretched behind me . - She 'll come straight home . You won 't let her go anywhere . - Three more months . Mum said three more months . Brad rejoiced over the enlargement of the family . We 'll be more mouths and more bums . We 'll be more bums . - Why don 't you turn around ? Look at him in the eyes ! He is looking this way . Turn around ! - Mary has fifteen . Two years older than I am . She thought me how to make a pass on boys , how to flirt with my lips and eyes . And he did . He introduced himself , Rod , Rod McCrea . He wanted to ask me out . He wasn 't the first . Previously - James , Marlowe , Banks and Michael , Michael Hutchinson , spotty and disgusting . On the first date he told me he liked my breasts . He tried to unbutton my bra . His hands were white as a goat from the elbows up . I hated him . I never cry when I sit locked in my room . I don 't cry behind closed doors . How I hate to cry . You can see the shack from the window . I see it , only me . Here my grandpa from my mother 's side was murdered by the Germans . A bomb fell down while he was coming back from Brighton . I have heard the soothing tone of his voice so many times : - Eat fish . It 's delicious and healthy . Dress the fish carefully . Dressing fish strengthens your character . I come here to listen to the waves . Those dashes from the boulders are terrifying . I feel the roar in my ears . Without anyone 's help I push the heavy door of the shack , it is dark inside . You can 't see anything , until your eyes get used to it . The light from the pane helps afterwards . High above is unreachable . The hay crackles underneath my feet . The wind is strong . I 'm silent . The spittle merges down my throat . The hay crackles under me . He is sure of himself . God , how self - assured he is ! I can never be like that , so cruel , so confident . Rod , on the other hand , says I 'm cold . Cormorant flies over our heads . We look at it . Rod can 't pronounce its name . He wants to kiss me . I turn my head away . I don 't cry . I never cry when I 'm alone . Mother doesn 't believe me . She thinks I hide everything from her , that I cry all the time . She is afraid to ask me herself . She asks Brad to do it , and Brad chivies me . I told him I was fine . He has big palms . Same as his , with flat nails , cut almost to the flesh . - Don 't cut your nails like that . He has my spite . Why does he have this temper ? I don 't want him to have my temper . It never did me any good . Even now , I don 't say anything out of perversity and I don 't cry because of it . Maybe it would be easier for me . James , Marlowe , Banks , than Michael , Rod at the end . They don 't mean anything to me , names . Jerks . All they do is kiss . Banks and I were walking along the shore . Muttonhead . I made him scoop up shells when the pebbles were freezing cold . The pane is small . The stones are cold . The racket is louder here , stronger . I sit alone in the shack . You can 't see our house from here , and you can see the shack from the house even through a fog . I see it . - You are filthy . Look at your clothes . Tuck up your hair . When I was little , Brad and I were scuttling through the mud . He was secretly spying us from the window . He was calm . Mother was angry . I didn 't say anything . The wind was getting stronger ; the waves were dashing more furiously . I wasn 't alone in the shack , I was never alone . He grabbed my hands . I recognized his palms , his nails . He was cold and strong . - Three more months - Brad was happy . I wasn 't enough , three more months . He doesn 't want a brother . He wants another sister . I 'm not enough . To him , I 'm bad : I 'm mum ; I don 't smear with my hands greased with chocolate on the wall , I don 't trample over the mud . He is bored with me . He wants another one . - Don 't listen to mum . I never cry . I don 't cry when I 'm alone . I 'll look at the sky . The dress is already down , in the hay . My skin is red . My lints are feeling his fingers ; in a moment my flesh crawls . I shiver down my spine . James , Marlowe , Banks , and then Michael , Rod at the end . Damn gluttonous dogs . One day I 'll laugh at them all . From the room , from the window , from my room , from the room facing the shack , I see it . I 'm mum . I become hoarse . I 'm breathless . The wind blows . The hay crackles . I shiver half - dead . There is only one breath , his , deep and aggressive . I feel him in me . I 'm mute … Does he deserve me to say : father ! Translated Sanja Petrusheva " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " the name echoed down the hospital corridor . " Isaac David is born ! " shouted a middle - aged man in a black coat and glasses with silver frames . His hair was caught in that situation which appears in men of his years : in some places his curly hair was completely white , in others his hair still superstitiously clung to its color . Without releasing his black hat of fine felt from his left hand , he rushed from person to person , squeezing the hands of the ladies , and pulling the doctors by their collars . Some people laughed , others simply nodded their heads , others craftily pretended that they weren 't following this happy event , and that nothing had happened . But still - something of importance had happened - Isaac David was born . That was on Yom Kippur , on the very threshold of the fall of 1938 . The roast chicken which was served for supper was probably the biggest chicken cooked in the David family kitchen up until then . Everyone agreed that there were enough reasons to celebrate lavishly . This man , who was shouting at the top of his voice , was the happy father , Joseph David , one of the owners of the business cooperative , David and Babel Co . , with their headquarters in Warsaw . He dealt in sewing machines , textiles , and various sundries , which carried enough profit for a decent life . Joseph was not the descendent of traders ; his father Samuel was a writer with a significant reputation in literary circles , and his grandfather Adam was , among other things , involved in playing music and in ' scribbling These days his close friend and his assistants were wrapping up agreements begun earlier , and he could allow himself to yield to some domestic duties . Now , when a son would continue his family tree , Joseph began to look at things differently . He spent more time at home , but he also had the intention of developing his trading business to a greater degree . The winter passed quickly . Isaac grew and developed , but no one had told him to do that . " Children are strange creatures , " said Tomasz Anilewicz , the Davids ' neighbor . " A person can be endlessly enchanted by them . I always asked myself it is possible that all of us were children once . So innocent , so harmless , so sincere . The world would be different if it were able to be built on children . " Tomasz was a wise man , already in his fifties . He was a Pole , tall , with his hair still blond , with a pale face , and hands which he knocked against his thighs when he walked downstairs . He bowed his head when he had to pass through a doorway , and with the passage of time he remained a little hunched over , like a branch of autumn quince heavy with fruit . He walked slowly , and rarely went out among people , but that did not mean that he didn 't like his neighbors . He was a favorite of the David family . He would often sit on their couch , and tell them all sorts of things , in which he showed his deep thoughtfulness and gift for storytelling . " Books are pots in which everyone who reads them puts in spices in just the right amount . It 's the same thing with life : we sip what we cut up and put into it . Food is good if we treat it with herbs ; life has meaning if we don 't live it for ourselves . Every life is a book , " continued Tomasz . " His wife left him recently . Together with their one - year old daughter . They don 't see each other anymore . He lives by himself . Sometimes a woman comes to help out , Suzanna . A fine woman . " The ladies ' words , which had no evil thought attached to them , but only wanted to be coquettish among themselves in more intimate conversation , didn 't reach him . And were he to listen , Tomasz spoke German , but didn 't know French . The two women were sitting right by the piano , and the wooden chest of drawers carved with a bird with its wings outstretched and with many flowers . They commented about the people in the room and the happenings connected with them . Agniezka was invited the most often to describe for them all the events connected with the eastern part of Warsaw . At the same time , Mihal , the joint friend of Joseph and Tomasz , was putting wine in the glasses which sparkled along their rims . " Your every utterance is wonderful . You say them so beautifully . You always use the best words . I delight in your speeches . " " Those are not my utterances . I don 't think up anything . I only rediscover words that have already been said . I can say that this is my wine , because I made it together with my father twenty years ago , in our vineyard in Otovsk , in Northern Podlasia , " and drank some of the wine . " But I can 't say : ' these are my words or my utterances . That is contradictio in adiecto . " " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " with a shake of his head and with anger in his speech , repeated a man in a black coat , bending down to his tight leather boots with heavy soles . He had called out his name several times in the living room of the David family , and struck his right hip with his officer 's cap . The man was not a guest , nor was he their relative . He was not a friend , nor was he a relation to the thousands of families who , on this spring day were undergoing a raid on their homes . Old people , children , men and women , who were written down on some lists on some pieces of paper , like schoolchildren 's herbariums in the old schools , were thrown into huge , slow trucks of fear . The man unwilling made several rounds of the room , in which nothing was in its place . On the floor lay objects , overturned and broken , which usually the maid usually cleaned with a dry rag every Saturday afternoon when their relatives visited the David family . The man deliberately stepped on a photograph in a frame . The glass became like grains of salt . Then he placed his gloves and cap in his left hand , knelt down , and turned over the photograph . In it was a man ( looking at the lens of the camera ) , who was hugging a woman , a woman who was holding a very tiny baby , and looking at him , and a baby in swaddling clothes , whose face he recognized at once . The man was looking only for him . Isaac David . He went downstairs and out of the door like an electric current , and found himself on the street . Several times he turned this way and that , knowing that he had no more time to linger ; he thudded with his heels on the cobblestones , measuring the seconds that remained . Then he shouted something in German , and several uniformed men raced into the nearest house . When he heard banging on his own door , Tomasz turned his head towards the window ; for a second , as had never happened before , his hands which held a Chinese porcelain cup full of tea shook . He stood up and set off towards the entrance hall with his well - known step . After him trailed the " Isaac David ! " shouted the man in the black coat , who entered right after the armed men . " Isaac David ! " Tomasz shook his head , explained that he lived alone , and that he didn 't know a person by that name . " He 's a child ! " answered the angry man . Then he turned towards the helmeted men and gave some kind of signal with his eyes . There wasn 't even time for him to turn his head towards Tomasz , when the men scattered through the rooms of the house , as fast as lightning . They smashed things , struck things senselessly . One with a stick hurt his left elbow , but he continued to smash everything in front of him . " I don 't approve of your behavior . You have nothing to look for in these people 's houses . You think that your goals justify everything . I think that you cannot reach them in that manner . … " Tomasz didn 't finish his statement , because the man pulled out a pistol from his holster and hit him behind his left ear . His blood flowed , and Tomasz found himself unconscious on the floor by the remnants of the ornamental ceramics . He gave a start . He was in the room , and no one else . If it weren 't for the overturned furniture , he would have thought that what had happened earlier was a bad dream . He rushed outside . He came to a stop in front of the Davids ' door . It was open , and inside there was a deathly silence . He took several steps backwards , and slowly returned to his house . He was alone again . His street was empty , there weren 't even any cats or mice . He listened once more , to make sure that no one was nearby . He checked to make sure that he 'd double - locked the door . Then he moved the table , pushed aside the carpet in the dining - room , and opened a trapdoor in the floor . The tall Tomasz vanished into his wine cellar , into the damp underground of Warsaw , where for the last fifty years he 'd kept his wine in the coolness . Before he lit a candle , he felt a strange warmth across his hand , and almost inaudibly said : " In vino veritas est . " That same day , Mr . Babel , the good friend of Joseph David was shot , before he even ? reached where it was ordered that he be . He rushed towards his wife in the instant that a uniformed woman began to beat her with her fists . " Isaac Josifovich ! Isaac Josifovich ! " shouted a graying , middle - aged man in a coat with buttons which were larger than his ears . He was holding a metal megaphone and had climbed on top of a car whose motor roared very loudly along the whole avenue , and which moved more slowly than all the other vehicles . In the evening Isaac Josifovich truly appeared on the stage of Carnegie Hall , at the corner of Seventh Avenue and Fifty - Seventh Street . In the concert hall silence held sway . People didn 't talk much . He dedicated the concert to those who could not hear it at this moment . Then he gave himself over completely to the language which he had mastered the best . His conversation with the public ended with the thunderous applause of those present . The concert hall echoed : " Isaac Josifovich ! Isaac Josifovich ! " Only a single woman 's voice , from the main floor of the concert hall , in the left parterre , called out : " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " An hour later , an old man with white sideburns , sitting in his favorite armchair , just then heard the phone ring . An expression of satisfaction appeared on his face . As though he were abashed at what he listened to in the telephone receiver . It seemed as if he was surprised , as though it was the first time he heard that word . He threw himself into his office , and on a piece of paper on which there was some text already written in ink , he immediately began to arrange his letters with their exaggerated loops at the ends . Ten years had passed since this old man had decided all that he said , sitting on the couch next to the David family , all that he said in meetings with his friends and acquaintances . Man is not an island . For himself , man has no meaning . He is pure material , without sense . Man becomes a person only in relationship to another person . Other people - that is what I am . Before he wrote down the last words , the old man looked at the single photograph that was on his desk . It was the portrait of a man and a child . Father and son . " Father , " Tomasz repeated softly so that he alone could hear it . And he added : To kill a person is to kill the person within oneself . To help someone in need yields the essence of one 's own existence . Or , as the Talmud says , whoever says a person , saves the entire world . Tomasz Anilewicz was one step from the end of his book . It was a stifling summer outside when suddenly everything stopped . The faces of the little girl and her father went pale ; maybe the father was even more terrified than the little girl . She was not able to recognize what real fear is , nor was she aware of the dangers emerging in situations similar to this one , but she only felt that her father 's grip suddenly became harder and that caused her face to become white as a sheet . The tall guy , who was destined to experience things from above and haughtily , swung so noticeably that he had to lean on the inside wall with his elbow . Actually , it was not a leaning but bumping the wooden surface of the wall , taking advantage of the moment not to crumble down on the floor . The elderly couple soundlessly united their bodies and lonely occupied a corner just for them and concealed . The other four people : the soldier , the man with the beard , the girl in red and the man in suit , dispersed in all directions - one fell down , the other hit his / her forehead on the edge of the apparatus with buttons , the third tumbled on the platform , and the fourth pulled the tall guy 's sleeve and tottered upfront with the head . Out of all of them , the girl with red trousers and pierced navel , experienced this event most loudly uttering an inarticulate word followed by burst of curses , but nobody objected as they would usually do in different circumstances . The man with the beard , immediately realizing the situation , continued to lie down soberly on the rubber linoleum with bumps , caressing the hairs of his beard with his fingers . The gentleman with striped coat and trousers with undefined color quickly stood up and immediately looked at his expensive watch showing all the people that he was in the biggest hurry to go somewhere . The soldier was the only one with his fleshy hands on his forehead in noticeable pain , although he was not showing any sign of defeat . After the first wave of shock had passed , the father irrevocably concluded that the elevator was stuck . The rest of them neither confiExcept for the rumblings of their bodies and the clicking of the old couples ' dentures , there was still not a sound to be heard nearby . The old man had already pointed out the tall guy as the main suspect . Despite everyone 's reasonable advice , the old man blamed the tall guy and his unnecessary joining to the collective in the elevator , although spacious enough - it had a limited weight capacity , and that must have caused the overload . Reprimanding him for being the cause , the old man then demanded the tall historian start sharing stories with them , which were to be used as a symbol of commiseration for the bittersweet picture they were all part of . He presented the event as historically inevitable and spoke about the old legends , when galleys of the Githiesh forces looted in throughout the Salzburg Sea and could not fight in the battle of Getersburg and provide support by sea to their infantry . Still , later when the soldiers united and the captains coordinated their actions , they all surprised the perpetrators from behind , so the perpetrators , not expecting this attack , in panic were thrown into an unsurpassable defeat . The tall guy would have certainly continued to dig through the archives and artifacts of the past , if the well - dressed gentleman , who was extensively grinding his teeth , did not give up on the fact that finally - after ferociously pressing on his phone 's keyboard - could not get a signal . Although for a while he was holding his phone close to his ear , he did not say a word . The small sign of hope raised by the well - dressed gentleman was again pitilessly discouraged and swept away . The tenants in the building may have shown lack of concern for the trapped group , which was one thing the group was not so concerned about , but the inability to get in touch with those tenants , or to at least hear some noises of life behind the walls , opened the box of assumptions and believes about the destiny of the world they once knew . The time was passing by and finally only the girl , who was sitting on the floor with her back leaning on one of the elevator 's walls , and her hands wrapped around her bent knees , in front of everybody raised her voice claiming that she was about to faint from starvation . The soldier had leaned on her and was already dozing off . Swallowing his arrogance , the well - dressed gentleman for the first time addressed the group and concluded that the day had gone by and it was already dark outside . Long before that moment , the members of the group were licking their dry lips hoping to reduce their thirst that was taking over , and it was then that the artist pulled a litter water bottle out of his bag , and after taking the first sip , passed it on to the others . When he was first offered a sip from the bottle , the well - dressed gentleman politely but with a grimace declined , but a little later he was quick to grab the bottle and fiercely drink what was left . The water seemed to haTranslated Nikolche Mickoski & Elena Mitreska Every day I would secretly stick a piece of paper on your door . The first time I was brief and I wrote : " Find me . " And afterwards : " Sweet dreams " and " What 's your first thought when you open this door . " Perhaps there was no obvious change in your behavior outside your home , but I decided to be even braver , using a few scribbled lines stolen from a bottom - shelf book ( " Each unfulfilled touch hovers as if soaked in milk and summer . " ) as well as a message made of old newspaper clippings ( " I like you when it rains " ) . At night I would somehow sneak into the common hallway and stealthily , with notes prepared at home and a sticky tape in my hands , I would rustle near the shimmering spy . It was dangerous to stand by the elevator or beside the staircase ; hence , there was no way to see your first reaction after finding those notes . Only once you nearly caught me red - handed . I clumsily introduced myself , saying that I was a new resident in the 88 . You wisely walked by in silence . The dearest message that I had ever left on your freshly painted door said : " Your eyelashes bid my thoughts to frequently travel towards you . " I thought that through these anonymous daily letters we slowly but steadily merge into an unbreakable unity and we gain a secret known to us only . It was a stuffy and sultry August when the letter balloon burst . I had been following you in your ticklish routine for exactly one year when accidently , while I was rummaging through the dumpster where you usually threw the garbage , I came across a paper crumpled in the shape of a tennis ball . It did not take me long to figure that it is a collection of my notes from the previous week . Long afterwards I hesitated about the content of the final message and I wrote you the following : " In the mist I tried to catch the encounter which was supposed to belong to us only " . It was not that easy to avoid your street . And those drowsy eaves . But finally I managed to change the tune . During that whole process I saw myself as a man who is quitting drinking , up until the moment when I reached a state of conscious indifference , accompanied by pride for the achieved results . I was clean . Many months had gone by and I was totally clueless of your whereabouts , except that once I thought I saw your reflection in a puddle . By the time I raised my head you had already turned into a distant shadow . But this morning something rather unexpected occurred . I discovered a note on my door , written in a strange handwriting , which said : " I found you . " |
When the apple - trees in our garden were still young , I was as big as the smallest of them . I was like a pea , like a piece of pie , like a candy wrapped in a colorful paper . Even smaller . I had a nose like a fin of a river trout and little hands like needles of a pine tree . Yes , I looked like that . But don 't think that I was haughty , that I leaned my head upon my back . No , I have never been like that . My parents can tell you that - mom and dad . At school they used to ask me what my mom and dad are doing . They wanted me to answer fast , to hurry up , as it was something unimportant , or to say - minor . The teacher would look at me through the windows of her glasses - waiting . She was waiting for the answer . Fast answer . As if the answer was an attic pigeon to rush from there as a thunder . It 's hard to say what mom and dad are doing , because mom and dad are my parents . They are mom and dad . - Look , kid how come you don 't get it ? I will repeat . What 's the job of your parents ? What ? Say ! - Well … Mom loves dad , dad loves mom , mom loves me , dad loves me , I love dad , dad loves sis , sis … . - And like this forever . It was important matter and I had to be correct and precise when I was answering . Dad says that . Me , mom , dad and sis - we love each other a lot . Sis is a big sis . She puts color on her lips . That 's not nice . Sis wants to have her hair colored too . Mom doesn 't let her to do that . That 's bad for the hair and bad for the looks . Mom says that . Sis gets angry ; she smears the lipstick over her face and runs away in her room . Nothing is clear to me . Sis tells me annoyed that I 'm stupid , that I don 't understand anything . When I turned 15 , my father bought a mower and cut the grass in our yard for the first time . It was then when I learned what is a blade , how you open it , how it cuts and how it cuts off . From the window of our bathroom I was watching my father mowing the grass . The bathroom smelled of antidandruff shampoo because I had just washed my hair . I felt warm and nice and I didn 't want to get out from there . Only the blade was bothering me . And my sister , knocking the door intently . The first day of high school brought a trayful of new kids that I was going to meet , in the new desks , in the new classrooms . And new teachers . Tough and those who pretend to be tough . And still , everything was same . Even the questions : Laughter . Everyone 's making joke . I 'm not in the mood of joking . I like jokes but the fact that daddy works in the garden - together with the nightingale that every summer used to visit - was interesting to me , but not funny . Not funny at all . The next spring my grandma died . The people were drawing near the bier carrying dark candles , with their pale faces trying to bring a fresh breath in the numbness of that day . I loved my grandma and that 's why I was sad too , but no one seemed to notice . Everyone was crying , I wanted to cry too , but I was scared . Even when the priest was singing , even when my mom was talking . Someone came , touched my shoulder and said : When I finished high school , they were widening the street in front of our house and they cut two apple - trees . I felt sorry for them . At that time my father had retired , and my mother had started to work at home . So now they could sit all day in the yard watering the lawn . They even planted some flowers . I entered university and I 'm studying a lot . I read a lot . I don 't want to hear any more that I 'm stupid and I don 't understand anything . I want to understand everything . I should say too that I have a girlfriend . She always has rosy cheeks and a bunch of hairpins in her hair . I like to spend afternoons with her - kissing . She asks me what my parents are doing . I 'm telling her the truth : they are planting flowers . And that 's true . I have never lied . She is laughing to me , and I laugh too . I 'm happy , happiest . One day - by the fence of the yard where the big neighborhood dog lives - she didn 't show up . She was not at her home ; she was not in her grandma 's place . When I saw her she didn 't laugh like before and she didn 't talk like before . She didn 't take my hand . She told me that she doesn 't love me . I got scared , I protested , I needed her appearance , her warmth , her kisses . She was determined . - It 's not that simple . The colors of the traffic light change , but red is longer than green . All the things change and move . We can 't be together forever . Do you understand ? Even the sky and the clouds are not always close . Brother and sister get apart , mother and child . Earth from sky , white from black , pain from joy , sweet from bitter . Nothing is forever . Everything changes . Our relationship is like a first snow , like first fallen tooth . Do you understand ? No ! I don 't want to understand , I gave up from understanding . I had firmly decided not to understand . But , it was too late , too late . I understood . Translated Donka Batakoya Motamedhoseini He slammed the door behind him . I stood in the room for a few moments , alone and confused . You can see how the fog hauls up from the window , there at Brighton and entirely unreachable for the eyes of others , somewhere at a great distance , I noticed the outlines of that stone shack by the sea , where ten years ago Brad broke his front teeth playing football . There wasn 't any noise from the hall and I knew that I was alone in the house . I haven 't been alone for a long time . Ah , damned wish to be alone . At this moment I did not even want my phone to ring . If I had heard that sound , that disturbing tone of the black box , I swear to God I would have gone mad ; I would 've smashed it against the wall . There were fingerprints from Brad 's palms on the wallpapers . We made them seven years ago , with our hands smeared with chocolate . My fingerprints were bigger and unnoticeable . They faded away . I wiped them myself with a swab made of rough cloth used for patching . My mother made me do it . - You are grown . You are grown enough to take care of your own actions . Soon you should look after him too . You are a bad girl . - … I 'm a bad girl , - this was the last sentence in my essay . The teacher , Mr . Carmichael , looked at me . He settled his look upon me , not giving any comment . I wasn 't offended at all . Sarah 's look didn 't affect me either . Sarah envies my essays . I envy her dresses . The teacher Carmichael quoted Coleridge and three times repeated the word artificial . What does " artificial " mean ? It doesn 't mean anything . For a class , that is a step close to finishing elementary school , it 's meaningless . Particularly for this infuriated group of pupils that all form masters gave up on . What on earth does " artificial " mean ? - Explain why don 't you come home after classes ? - He was yelling at me while I was running towards my room . A high tone conversation stretched behind me . - She 'll come straight home . You won 't let her go anywhere . - Three more months . Mum said three more months . Brad rejoiced over the enlargement of the family . We 'll be more mouths and more bums . We 'll be more bums . - Why don 't you turn around ? Look at him in the eyes ! He is looking this way . Turn around ! - Mary has fifteen . Two years older than I am . She thought me how to make a pass on boys , how to flirt with my lips and eyes . And he did . He introduced himself , Rod , Rod McCrea . He wanted to ask me out . He wasn 't the first . Previously - James , Marlowe , Banks and Michael , Michael Hutchinson , spotty and disgusting . On the first date he told me he liked my breasts . He tried to unbutton my bra . His hands were white as a goat from the elbows up . I hated him . I never cry when I sit locked in my room . I don 't cry behind closed doors . How I hate to cry . You can see the shack from the window . I see it , only me . Here my grandpa from my mother 's side was murdered by the Germans . A bomb fell down while he was coming back from Brighton . I have heard the soothing tone of his voice so many times : - Eat fish . It 's delicious and healthy . Dress the fish carefully . Dressing fish strengthens your character . I come here to listen to the waves . Those dashes from the boulders are terrifying . I feel the roar in my ears . Without anyone 's help I push the heavy door of the shack , it is dark inside . You can 't see anything , until your eyes get used to it . The light from the pane helps afterwards . High above is unreachable . The hay crackles underneath my feet . The wind is strong . I 'm silent . The spittle merges down my throat . The hay crackles under me . He is sure of himself . God , how self - assured he is ! I can never be like that , so cruel , so confident . Rod , on the other hand , says I 'm cold . Cormorant flies over our heads . We look at it . Rod can 't pronounce its name . He wants to kiss me . I turn my head away . I don 't cry . I never cry when I 'm alone . Mother doesn 't believe me . She thinks I hide everything from her , that I cry all the time . She is afraid to ask me herself . She asks Brad to do it , and Brad chivies me . I told him I was fine . He has big palms . Same as his , with flat nails , cut almost to the flesh . - Don 't cut your nails like that . He has my spite . Why does he have this temper ? I don 't want him to have my temper . It never did me any good . Even now , I don 't say anything out of perversity and I don 't cry because of it . Maybe it would be easier for me . James , Marlowe , Banks , than Michael , Rod at the end . They don 't mean anything to me , names . Jerks . All they do is kiss . Banks and I were walking along the shore . Muttonhead . I made him scoop up shells when the pebbles were freezing cold . The pane is small . The stones are cold . The racket is louder here , stronger . I sit alone in the shack . You can 't see our house from here , and you can see the shack from the house even through a fog . I see it . - You are filthy . Look at your clothes . Tuck up your hair . When I was little , Brad and I were scuttling through the mud . He was secretly spying us from the window . He was calm . Mother was angry . I didn 't say anything . The wind was getting stronger ; the waves were dashing more furiously . I wasn 't alone in the shack , I was never alone . He grabbed my hands . I recognized his palms , his nails . He was cold and strong . - Three more months - Brad was happy . I wasn 't enough , three more months . He doesn 't want a brother . He wants another sister . I 'm not enough . To him , I 'm bad : I 'm mum ; I don 't smear with my hands greased with chocolate on the wall , I don 't trample over the mud . He is bored with me . He wants another one . - Don 't listen to mum . I never cry . I don 't cry when I 'm alone . I 'll look at the sky . The dress is already down , in the hay . My skin is red . My lints are feeling his fingers ; in a moment my flesh crawls . I shiver down my spine . James , Marlowe , Banks , and then Michael , Rod at the end . Damn gluttonous dogs . One day I 'll laugh at them all . From the room , from the window , from my room , from the room facing the shack , I see it . I 'm mum . I become hoarse . I 'm breathless . The wind blows . The hay crackles . I shiver half - dead . There is only one breath , his , deep and aggressive . I feel him in me . I 'm mute … Does he deserve me to say : father ! Translated Sanja Petrusheva " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " the name echoed down the hospital corridor . " Isaac David is born ! " shouted a middle - aged man in a black coat and glasses with silver frames . His hair was caught in that situation which appears in men of his years : in some places his curly hair was completely white , in others his hair still superstitiously clung to its color . Without releasing his black hat of fine felt from his left hand , he rushed from person to person , squeezing the hands of the ladies , and pulling the doctors by their collars . Some people laughed , others simply nodded their heads , others craftily pretended that they weren 't following this happy event , and that nothing had happened . But still - something of importance had happened - Isaac David was born . That was on Yom Kippur , on the very threshold of the fall of 1938 . The roast chicken which was served for supper was probably the biggest chicken cooked in the David family kitchen up until then . Everyone agreed that there were enough reasons to celebrate lavishly . This man , who was shouting at the top of his voice , was the happy father , Joseph David , one of the owners of the business cooperative , David and Babel Co . , with their headquarters in Warsaw . He dealt in sewing machines , textiles , and various sundries , which carried enough profit for a decent life . Joseph was not the descendent of traders ; his father Samuel was a writer with a significant reputation in literary circles , and his grandfather Adam was , among other things , involved in playing music and in ' scribbling These days his close friend and his assistants were wrapping up agreements begun earlier , and he could allow himself to yield to some domestic duties . Now , when a son would continue his family tree , Joseph began to look at things differently . He spent more time at home , but he also had the intention of developing his trading business to a greater degree . The winter passed quickly . Isaac grew and developed , but no one had told him to do that . " Children are strange creatures , " said Tomasz Anilewicz , the Davids ' neighbor . " A person can be endlessly enchanted by them . I always asked myself it is possible that all of us were children once . So innocent , so harmless , so sincere . The world would be different if it were able to be built on children . " Tomasz was a wise man , already in his fifties . He was a Pole , tall , with his hair still blond , with a pale face , and hands which he knocked against his thighs when he walked downstairs . He bowed his head when he had to pass through a doorway , and with the passage of time he remained a little hunched over , like a branch of autumn quince heavy with fruit . He walked slowly , and rarely went out among people , but that did not mean that he didn 't like his neighbors . He was a favorite of the David family . He would often sit on their couch , and tell them all sorts of things , in which he showed his deep thoughtfulness and gift for storytelling . " Books are pots in which everyone who reads them puts in spices in just the right amount . It 's the same thing with life : we sip what we cut up and put into it . Food is good if we treat it with herbs ; life has meaning if we don 't live it for ourselves . Every life is a book , " continued Tomasz . " His wife left him recently . Together with their one - year old daughter . They don 't see each other anymore . He lives by himself . Sometimes a woman comes to help out , Suzanna . A fine woman . " The ladies ' words , which had no evil thought attached to them , but only wanted to be coquettish among themselves in more intimate conversation , didn 't reach him . And were he to listen , Tomasz spoke German , but didn 't know French . The two women were sitting right by the piano , and the wooden chest of drawers carved with a bird with its wings outstretched and with many flowers . They commented about the people in the room and the happenings connected with them . Agniezka was invited the most often to describe for them all the events connected with the eastern part of Warsaw . At the same time , Mihal , the joint friend of Joseph and Tomasz , was putting wine in the glasses which sparkled along their rims . " Your every utterance is wonderful . You say them so beautifully . You always use the best words . I delight in your speeches . " " Those are not my utterances . I don 't think up anything . I only rediscover words that have already been said . I can say that this is my wine , because I made it together with my father twenty years ago , in our vineyard in Otovsk , in Northern Podlasia , " and drank some of the wine . " But I can 't say : ' these are my words or my utterances . That is contradictio in adiecto . " " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " with a shake of his head and with anger in his speech , repeated a man in a black coat , bending down to his tight leather boots with heavy soles . He had called out his name several times in the living room of the David family , and struck his right hip with his officer 's cap . The man was not a guest , nor was he their relative . He was not a friend , nor was he a relation to the thousands of families who , on this spring day were undergoing a raid on their homes . Old people , children , men and women , who were written down on some lists on some pieces of paper , like schoolchildren 's herbariums in the old schools , were thrown into huge , slow trucks of fear . The man unwilling made several rounds of the room , in which nothing was in its place . On the floor lay objects , overturned and broken , which usually the maid usually cleaned with a dry rag every Saturday afternoon when their relatives visited the David family . The man deliberately stepped on a photograph in a frame . The glass became like grains of salt . Then he placed his gloves and cap in his left hand , knelt down , and turned over the photograph . In it was a man ( looking at the lens of the camera ) , who was hugging a woman , a woman who was holding a very tiny baby , and looking at him , and a baby in swaddling clothes , whose face he recognized at once . The man was looking only for him . Isaac David . He went downstairs and out of the door like an electric current , and found himself on the street . Several times he turned this way and that , knowing that he had no more time to linger ; he thudded with his heels on the cobblestones , measuring the seconds that remained . Then he shouted something in German , and several uniformed men raced into the nearest house . When he heard banging on his own door , Tomasz turned his head towards the window ; for a second , as had never happened before , his hands which held a Chinese porcelain cup full of tea shook . He stood up and set off towards the entrance hall with his well - known step . After him trailed the " Isaac David ! " shouted the man in the black coat , who entered right after the armed men . " Isaac David ! " Tomasz shook his head , explained that he lived alone , and that he didn 't know a person by that name . " He 's a child ! " answered the angry man . Then he turned towards the helmeted men and gave some kind of signal with his eyes . There wasn 't even time for him to turn his head towards Tomasz , when the men scattered through the rooms of the house , as fast as lightning . They smashed things , struck things senselessly . One with a stick hurt his left elbow , but he continued to smash everything in front of him . " I don 't approve of your behavior . You have nothing to look for in these people 's houses . You think that your goals justify everything . I think that you cannot reach them in that manner . … " Tomasz didn 't finish his statement , because the man pulled out a pistol from his holster and hit him behind his left ear . His blood flowed , and Tomasz found himself unconscious on the floor by the remnants of the ornamental ceramics . He gave a start . He was in the room , and no one else . If it weren 't for the overturned furniture , he would have thought that what had happened earlier was a bad dream . He rushed outside . He came to a stop in front of the Davids ' door . It was open , and inside there was a deathly silence . He took several steps backwards , and slowly returned to his house . He was alone again . His street was empty , there weren 't even any cats or mice . He listened once more , to make sure that no one was nearby . He checked to make sure that he 'd double - locked the door . Then he moved the table , pushed aside the carpet in the dining - room , and opened a trapdoor in the floor . The tall Tomasz vanished into his wine cellar , into the damp underground of Warsaw , where for the last fifty years he 'd kept his wine in the coolness . Before he lit a candle , he felt a strange warmth across his hand , and almost inaudibly said : " In vino veritas est . " That same day , Mr . Babel , the good friend of Joseph David was shot , before he even ? reached where it was ordered that he be . He rushed towards his wife in the instant that a uniformed woman began to beat her with her fists . " Isaac Josifovich ! Isaac Josifovich ! " shouted a graying , middle - aged man in a coat with buttons which were larger than his ears . He was holding a metal megaphone and had climbed on top of a car whose motor roared very loudly along the whole avenue , and which moved more slowly than all the other vehicles . In the evening Isaac Josifovich truly appeared on the stage of Carnegie Hall , at the corner of Seventh Avenue and Fifty - Seventh Street . In the concert hall silence held sway . People didn 't talk much . He dedicated the concert to those who could not hear it at this moment . Then he gave himself over completely to the language which he had mastered the best . His conversation with the public ended with the thunderous applause of those present . The concert hall echoed : " Isaac Josifovich ! Isaac Josifovich ! " Only a single woman 's voice , from the main floor of the concert hall , in the left parterre , called out : " Isaac David ! Isaac David ! " An hour later , an old man with white sideburns , sitting in his favorite armchair , just then heard the phone ring . An expression of satisfaction appeared on his face . As though he were abashed at what he listened to in the telephone receiver . It seemed as if he was surprised , as though it was the first time he heard that word . He threw himself into his office , and on a piece of paper on which there was some text already written in ink , he immediately began to arrange his letters with their exaggerated loops at the ends . Ten years had passed since this old man had decided all that he said , sitting on the couch next to the David family , all that he said in meetings with his friends and acquaintances . Man is not an island . For himself , man has no meaning . He is pure material , without sense . Man becomes a person only in relationship to another person . Other people - that is what I am . Before he wrote down the last words , the old man looked at the single photograph that was on his desk . It was the portrait of a man and a child . Father and son . " Father , " Tomasz repeated softly so that he alone could hear it . And he added : To kill a person is to kill the person within oneself . To help someone in need yields the essence of one 's own existence . Or , as the Talmud says , whoever says a person , saves the entire world . Tomasz Anilewicz was one step from the end of his book . It was a stifling summer outside when suddenly everything stopped . The faces of the little girl and her father went pale ; maybe the father was even more terrified than the little girl . She was not able to recognize what real fear is , nor was she aware of the dangers emerging in situations similar to this one , but she only felt that her father 's grip suddenly became harder and that caused her face to become white as a sheet . The tall guy , who was destined to experience things from above and haughtily , swung so noticeably that he had to lean on the inside wall with his elbow . Actually , it was not a leaning but bumping the wooden surface of the wall , taking advantage of the moment not to crumble down on the floor . The elderly couple soundlessly united their bodies and lonely occupied a corner just for them and concealed . The other four people : the soldier , the man with the beard , the girl in red and the man in suit , dispersed in all directions - one fell down , the other hit his / her forehead on the edge of the apparatus with buttons , the third tumbled on the platform , and the fourth pulled the tall guy 's sleeve and tottered upfront with the head . Out of all of them , the girl with red trousers and pierced navel , experienced this event most loudly uttering an inarticulate word followed by burst of curses , but nobody objected as they would usually do in different circumstances . The man with the beard , immediately realizing the situation , continued to lie down soberly on the rubber linoleum with bumps , caressing the hairs of his beard with his fingers . The gentleman with striped coat and trousers with undefined color quickly stood up and immediately looked at his expensive watch showing all the people that he was in the biggest hurry to go somewhere . The soldier was the only one with his fleshy hands on his forehead in noticeable pain , although he was not showing any sign of defeat . After the first wave of shock had passed , the father irrevocably concluded that the elevator was stuck . The rest of them neither confiExcept for the rumblings of their bodies and the clicking of the old couples ' dentures , there was still not a sound to be heard nearby . The old man had already pointed out the tall guy as the main suspect . Despite everyone 's reasonable advice , the old man blamed the tall guy and his unnecessary joining to the collective in the elevator , although spacious enough - it had a limited weight capacity , and that must have caused the overload . Reprimanding him for being the cause , the old man then demanded the tall historian start sharing stories with them , which were to be used as a symbol of commiseration for the bittersweet picture they were all part of . He presented the event as historically inevitable and spoke about the old legends , when galleys of the Githiesh forces looted in throughout the Salzburg Sea and could not fight in the battle of Getersburg and provide support by sea to their infantry . Still , later when the soldiers united and the captains coordinated their actions , they all surprised the perpetrators from behind , so the perpetrators , not expecting this attack , in panic were thrown into an unsurpassable defeat . The tall guy would have certainly continued to dig through the archives and artifacts of the past , if the well - dressed gentleman , who was extensively grinding his teeth , did not give up on the fact that finally - after ferociously pressing on his phone 's keyboard - could not get a signal . Although for a while he was holding his phone close to his ear , he did not say a word . The small sign of hope raised by the well - dressed gentleman was again pitilessly discouraged and swept away . The tenants in the building may have shown lack of concern for the trapped group , which was one thing the group was not so concerned about , but the inability to get in touch with those tenants , or to at least hear some noises of life behind the walls , opened the box of assumptions and believes about the destiny of the world they once knew . The time was passing by and finally only the girl , who was sitting on the floor with her back leaning on one of the elevator 's walls , and her hands wrapped around her bent knees , in front of everybody raised her voice claiming that she was about to faint from starvation . The soldier had leaned on her and was already dozing off . Swallowing his arrogance , the well - dressed gentleman for the first time addressed the group and concluded that the day had gone by and it was already dark outside . Long before that moment , the members of the group were licking their dry lips hoping to reduce their thirst that was taking over , and it was then that the artist pulled a litter water bottle out of his bag , and after taking the first sip , passed it on to the others . When he was first offered a sip from the bottle , the well - dressed gentleman politely but with a grimace declined , but a little later he was quick to grab the bottle and fiercely drink what was left . The water seemed to haTranslated Nikolche Mickoski & Elena Mitreska Every day I would secretly stick a piece of paper on your door . The first time I was brief and I wrote : " Find me . " And afterwards : " Sweet dreams " and " What 's your first thought when you open this door . " Perhaps there was no obvious change in your behavior outside your home , but I decided to be even braver , using a few scribbled lines stolen from a bottom - shelf book ( " Each unfulfilled touch hovers as if soaked in milk and summer . " ) as well as a message made of old newspaper clippings ( " I like you when it rains " ) . At night I would somehow sneak into the common hallway and stealthily , with notes prepared at home and a sticky tape in my hands , I would rustle near the shimmering spy . It was dangerous to stand by the elevator or beside the staircase ; hence , there was no way to see your first reaction after finding those notes . Only once you nearly caught me red - handed . I clumsily introduced myself , saying that I was a new resident in the 88 . You wisely walked by in silence . The dearest message that I had ever left on your freshly painted door said : " Your eyelashes bid my thoughts to frequently travel towards you . " I thought that through these anonymous daily letters we slowly but steadily merge into an unbreakable unity and we gain a secret known to us only . It was a stuffy and sultry August when the letter balloon burst . I had been following you in your ticklish routine for exactly one year when accidently , while I was rummaging through the dumpster where you usually threw the garbage , I came across a paper crumpled in the shape of a tennis ball . It did not take me long to figure that it is a collection of my notes from the previous week . Long afterwards I hesitated about the content of the final message and I wrote you the following : " In the mist I tried to catch the encounter which was supposed to belong to us only " . It was not that easy to avoid your street . And those drowsy eaves . But finally I managed to change the tune . During that whole process I saw myself as a man who is quitting drinking , up until the moment when I reached a state of conscious indifference , accompanied by pride for the achieved results . I was clean . Many months had gone by and I was totally clueless of your whereabouts , except that once I thought I saw your reflection in a puddle . By the time I raised my head you had already turned into a distant shadow . But this morning something rather unexpected occurred . I discovered a note on my door , written in a strange handwriting , which said : " I found you . " |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
In China , you know , the emperor is a Chinese , and all those about him are Chinamen also . The story I am going to tell you happened a great many years ago , so it is well to hear it now before it is forgotten . The emperor 's palace was the most beautiful in the world . It was built entirely of porcelain , and very costly , but so delicate and brittle that whoever touched it was obliged to be careful . In the garden could be seen the most singular flowers , with pretty silver bells tied to them , which tinkled so that every one who passed could not help noticing the flowers . Indeed , everything in the emperor 's garden was remarkable , and it extended so far that the gardener himself did not know where it ended . Those who travelled beyond its limits knew that there was a noble forest , with lofty trees , sloping down to the deep blue sea , and the great ships sailed under the shadow of its branches . In one of these trees lived a nightingale , who sang so beautifully that even the poor fishermen , who had so many other things to do , would stop and listen . Sometimes , when they went at night to spread their nets , they would hear her sing , and say , " Oh , is not that beautiful ? " But when they returned to their fishing , they forgot the bird until the next night . Then they would hear it again , and exclaim " Oh , how beautiful is the nightingale 's song ! " Travellers from every country in the world came to the city of the emperor , which they admired very much , as well as the palace and gardens ; but when they heard the nightingale , they all declared it to be the best of all . And the travellers , on their return home , related what they had seen ; and learned men wrote books , containing descriptions of the town , the palace , and the gardens ; but they did not forget the nightingale , which was really the greatest wonder . And those who could write poetry composed beautiful verses about the nightingale , who lived in a forest near the deep sea . The books travelled all over the world , and some of them came into the hands of the emperor ; and ~ The Emperor 's New Clothes Many years ago there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on them . He cared nothing about his soldiers , nor for the theatre , nor for driving in the woods except for the sake of showing off his new clothes . He had a costume for every hour in the day , and instead of saying , as one does about any other king or emperor , ' He is in his council chamber , ' here one always said , ' The Emperor is in his dressing - room . ' Life was very gay in the great town where he lived ; hosts of strangers came to visit it every day , and among them one day two swindlers . They gave themselves out as weavers , and said that they knew how to weave the most beautiful stuffs imaginable . Not only were the colours and patterns unusually fine , but the clothes that were made of the stuffs had the peculiar quality of becoming invisible to every person who was not fit for the office he held , or if he was impossibly dull . ' Those must be splendid clothes , ' thought the Emperor . ' By wearing them I should be able to discover which men in my kingdom are unfitted for their posts . I shall distinguish the wise men from the fools . Yes , I certainly must order some of that stuff to be woven for me . ' He paid the two swindlers a lot of money in advance so that they might begin their work at once . They did put up two looms and pretended to weave , but they had nothing whatever upon their shuttles . At the outset they asked for a quantity of the finest silk and the purest gold thread , all of which they put into their own bags , while they worked away at the empty looms far into the night . ' I should like to know how those weavers are getting on with the stuff , ' thought the Emperor ; but he felt a little queer when he reflected that any one who was stupid or unfit for his post would not be able to see it . He certainly thought that he need have no fears for himself , but still he thought he would send somebody else first to see how it was getting on . Everybody in the town knew what wonderful power the stuff p ~ The Real Princess There was once a prince , and he wanted a princess , but then she must be a real Princess . He travelled right round the world to find one , but there was always something wrong . There were plenty of princesses , but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering ; there was always something which was not quite right about them . So at last he had to come home again , and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly . One evening there was a terrible storm ; it thundered and lightened and the rain poured down in torrents ; indeed it was a fearful night . In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate , and the old King himself went to open it . It was a princess who stood outside , but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm . The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes ; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel , but she said that she was a real princess . ' Well we shall soon see if that is true , ' thought the old Queen , but she said nothing . She went into the bedroom , took all the bedclothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead : then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on the top of the pea , and then twenty feather beds on the top of the mattresses . This was where the princess was to sleep that night . In the morning they asked her how she had slept . ' Oh terribly badly ! ' said the princess . ' I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night ! Heaven knows what was in the bed . I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing , and my whole body is black and blue this morning . It is terrible ! ' They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds . Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin . So the prince took her to be his wife , for now he was sure that he had found a real princess , and the pea was put into the Museum , where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it . Now this is a true story . by Hans Christian Andersen Geen opmerkingen : Art by Omar Ryyan There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run . Tired of hearing him boast , Slow and Steady , the tortoise , challenged him to a race . All the animals in the forest gathered to watch . Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest . He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out , " How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow , slow pace ? " Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep , thinking , " There is plenty of time to relax . " Slow and Steady walked and walked . He never , ever stopped until he came to the finish line . The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise , they woke up Hare . Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again , but it was too late . Tortoise was over the line . After that , Hare always reminded himself , " Don 't brag about your lightning pace , for Slow and Steady won the race ! " One of Aesop 's Fables ! Geen opmerkingen : There were once a man and a woman who had long , in vain , wished for a child . At length it appeared that God was about to grant their desire . These people had a little window at the back of their house from which a splendid garden could be seen , which was full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs . It was , however , surrounded by a high wall , and no one dared to go into it because it belonged to an enchantress , who had great power and was dreaded by all the world . One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden , when she saw a bed which was planted with the most beautiful rampion , and it looked so fresh and green that she longed for it . She quite pined away , and began to look pale and miserable . Her husband was alarmed , and asked : ' What ails you , dear wife ? ' ' Ah , ' she replied , ' if I can 't eat some of the rampion , which is in the garden behind our house , I shall die . ' The man , who loved her , thought : ' Sooner than let your wife die , bring her some of the rampion yourself , let it cost what it will . ' At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . If he was to have any rest , her husband knew he must once more descend into the garden . Therefore , in the gloom of evening , he let himself down again ; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid , for he saw the enchantress standing before him . ' How can you dare , ' said she with angry look , ' descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief ? You shall suffer for it ! ' ' Ah , ' answered he , ' let mercy take the place of justice , I only made up my mind to do it out of necessity . My wife saw your rampion from the window , and felt such a longing for it that she would have died if she had not got some to eat . ' The enchantress allowed her anger to be softened , and said ~ The Little Pine Tree In the woods there grew a little pine tree , and its leaves were long , slender , green needles . It was very little , indeed , and although there were many other trees around it , it felt quite alone as there were no other pine trees near by . The little pine tree was proud of its fine , green needles when the other trees in the forest were bare , and the snow was white on the ground . But in summer time , when the other trees had beautiful , large , green leaves , the pine tree thought that it would be nice if it could have large leaves also . " I wish that I could have beautiful large leaves , but leaves which are more beautiful than those of any of the other trees , " it thought . " If I could have my wish , I would have leaves of shining gold . " The little pine tree slept . through the night , and in the morning when it awoke it had leaves of shining gold . " How very beautiful I am , " it thought . " How my leaves glisten in the sun : Now I shall always be happy . " In the afternoon a man came through the woods along a path which passed by the little pine tree . When he came to the little tree and saw the beautiful golden leaves , he stopped and picked them all and put them into the bag which he was carrying and took them home with him . Then the poor little tree had no leaves . " What shall I do ? " it cried . " I will not wish for gold leaves again . If I could have another wish , I would have leaves of glass . They would sparkle in the sun , and no one would take them away . " Again the little pine tree slept through the night , and when it awoke the next morning it had leaves of sparkling glass . " How beautiful I am now . " it thought , " my leaves are of clear crystal and they tinkle as the wind passes through them . " All through the morning , the little tree was very happy . But , in the afternoon , black clouds hid the sun , and the rain came down , and the wind turned cold and harsh . The little tree shivered . It shook and shook , and when the storm was over , all of the glass leaves had been broken and had fallen to the ground . Again the poor little tree had no l ~ The House in the Woods A poor woodcutter lived with his wife and three young daughters in a small hut at the edge of a desolate wood . One morning . when he was setting off to return to work , he said to his wife " Let the oldest daughter bring the noon - day bread to me in the woods . Otherwise , I shan 't finish . And so that she does not lose her way , " he added " I will take a sack with millet and scatter the grains across the path . " When the sun stood in the middle of the sky high above the woods , the maiden began her walk carrying a pot of soup . But the field and forest sparrows , the larks and finches , the blackbirds and siskins had already pecked the path clean of any millet and the maid could not find her way . Trusting luck , she continued on her way until the sun sank and night fell . The trees rustled in the darkness , the owls hooted and the girl became frightened . In the distance , she saw a light blinking between the trees . " People must live there , " she thought " and they will keep me over night . " She continued to walk toward the light . It was not long before she came to a house whose windows were brightly illuminated . She knocked and a rough voice called out from inside " Come in . " The girl entered a dark hallway and knocked on the parlor door . " Enter , " the voice called and when she opened the door , there sat an old , icy gray man at a table . Supporting his head in both hands , his white beard flowed over the table and almost reached the floor . But on the hearth three animals rested : a chicken , a rooster and a brindle cow . The maid told the old man about her fate and requested lodgings for the night . The man spoke : " Lovely hen , Pretty cock , And beautiful brindle cow , too , How do you moo ? " Image by Maurice Sendak The animals replied " Duks ! " . ( Which translated probably meant : " We are satisfied , healthy and happy ! " ) The old man continued , " We live in abundance here , go to the stove and cook us dinner ! " The maid found the kitchen . Everything was stocked to excess and the girl was able to cook a hearty meal . ~ Three Daughters There was once upon a time a man who was about to set out on a long journey , and on parting he asked his three daughters what he should bring back with him for them . Whereupon the eldest wished for pearls , the second wished for diamonds , but the third said , dear father , I should like a singing , soaring lark . The father said , yes , if I can get it , you shall have it , kissed all three , and set out . Now when the time had come for him to be on his way home again , he had brought pearls and diamonds for the two eldest , but he had sought everywhere in vain for a singing , soaring lark for the youngest , and he was very unhappy about it , for she was his favorite child . Then his road lay through a forest , and in the midst of it was a splendid castle , and near the castle stood a tree , but quite on the top of the tree , he saw a singing , soaring lark . Aha , you come just at the right moment , he said , quite delighted , and called to his servant to climb up and catch the little creature . But as he approached the tree , a lion leapt from beneath it , shook himself , and roared till the leaves on the trees trembled . He who tries to steal my singing , soaring lark , he cried , will I devour . Then the man said , I did not know that the bird belonged to you . I will make amends for the wrong I have done and ransom myself with a large sum of money , only spare my life . The lion said , nothing can save you , unless you will promise to give me for my own what first meets you on your return home , and if you will do that , I will grant you your life , and you shall have the bird for your daughter , into the bargain . But the man hesitated and said , that might be my youngest daughter , she loves me best , and always runs to meet me on my return home . The servant , however , was terrified and said , why should your daughter be the very one to meet you , it might as easily be a cat , or dog . Then the man allowed himself to be persuaded , took the singing , soaring lark , and promised to give the lion whatsoever should first meet him on his return home . When he reached ~ The Sparrow and His Four Children A sparrow had four young ones in a swallow 's nest . When they were fledged , some naughty boys pulled out the nest , but fortunately all the birds got safely away in the high wind . Then the old bird was grieved that as his sons had all gone out into the world , he had not first warned them of every kind of danger , and given them good instruction how to deal with each . In the autumn a great many sparrows assembled together in a wheatfield , and there the old bird met his four children again , and full of joy took them home with him . Ah , my dear sons , how I have been worrying about you all through the summer , because you got away in the wind without my teaching . Listen to my words , obey your father , and be well on your guard . Little birds have to encounter great dangers . And then he asked the eldest where he had spent the summer , and how he had supported himself . Found here I stayed in the gardens , and looked for caterpillars and small worms , until the cherries were ripe . Ah , my son , said the father , tit - bits are not bad , but there is great risk about them . On that account take great care of yourself henceforth , and particularly when people are going about the gardens who carry long green poles which are hollow inside and have a little hole at the top . Yes , father , but what if a little green leaf is stuck over the hole with wax , said the son . Where have you seen that . In a merchant 's garden , said the youngster . Oh , my son , merchant folks are smart folks , said the father . If you have been among the children of the world , you have learned worldly craftiness enough , only see that you use it well , and do not be too confident . Then he asked the next , where have you passed your time . At court , said the son . Sparrows and silly little birds are of no use in that place . There one finds much gold , velvet , silk , armor , harnesses , sparrow - hawks , screech - owls and lanners . Keep to the horses , stable where they winnow oats , or thresh , and then fortune may give you your daily grain of corn in peace . Yes , father , said the son , but when t ~ The Hare and the Hedgehog This story , my dear young folks , seems to be false , but it really is true , for my grandfather , from whom I have it , used always , when relating it , to say , it must be true , my son , or else no one could tell it to you . The story is as follows . One sunday morning about harvest time , just as the buckwheat was in bloom , the sun was shining brightly in heaven , the east wind was blowing warmly over the stubble - fields , the larks were singing in the air , the bees buzzing among the buckwheat , the people in their sunday clothes were all going to church , and all creatures were happy , and the hedgehog was happy too . The hedgehog , however , was standing by his door with his arms akimbo , enjoying the morning breezes , and slowly trilling a little song to himself , which was neither better nor worse than the songs which hedgehogs are in the habit of singing on a blessed sunday morning . Whilst he was thus singing half aloud to himself , it suddenly occurred to him that , while his wife was washing and drying the children , he might very well take a walk into the field , and see how his turnips were getting on . The turnips , in fact , were close beside his house , and he and his family were accustomed to eat them , for which reason he looked upon them as his own . No sooner said than done . The hedgehog shut the house - door behind him , and took the path to the field . He had not gone very far from home , and was just turning round the sloe - bush which stands there outside the field , to go up into the turnip - field , when he observed the hare who had gone out on business of the same kind , namely , to visit his cabbages . When the hedgehog caught sight of the hare , he bade him a friendly good morning . But the hare , who was in his own way a distinguished gentleman , and frightfully haughty , did not return the hedgehog 's greeting , but said to him , assuming at the same time a very contemptuous manner , how do you happen to be running about here in the field so early in the morning . I am taking a walk , said the hedgehog . A walk , said the hare , with a smile . I ~ The Shoes There was once upon a time a king who had twelve daughters , each one more beautiful than the other . They all slept together in one chamber , in which their beds stood side by side , and every night when they were in them the king locked the door , and bolted it . But in the morning when he unlocked the door , he saw that their shoes were worn out with dancing , and no one could find out how that had come to pass . Then the king caused it to be proclaimed that whosoever could discover where they danced at night , should choose one of them for his wife and be king after his death , but that whosoever came forward and had not discovered it within three days and nights , should have forfeited his life . It was not long before a king 's son presented himself , and offered to undertake the enterprise . He was well received , and in the evening was led into a room adjoining the princesses , sleeping - chamber . His bed was placed there , and he was to observe where they went and danced , and in order that they might do nothing secretly or go away to some other place , the door of their room was left open . But the eyelids of the prince grew heavy as lead , and he fell asleep , and when he awoke in the morning , all twelve had been to the dance , for their shoes were standing there with holes in the soles . On the second and third nights there was no difference , and then his head was struck off without mercy . Many others came after this and undertook the enterprise , but all forfeited their lives . Now it came to pass that a poor soldier , who had a wound , and could serve no longer , found himself on the road to the town where the king lived . There he met an old woman , who asked him where he was going . " I hardly know myself , " answered he , and added in jest , " I had half a mind to discover where the princesses danced their shoes into holes , and thus become king . " " That is not so difficult , " said the old woman , " you must not drink the wine which will be brought to you at night , and must pretend to be sound asleep . " With that she gave him a little cloak , a ~ Little Claus and Big Claus In a village there once lived two men who had the same name . They were both called Claus . One of them had four horses , but the other had only one ; so to distinguish them , people called the owner of the four horses , " Great Claus , " and he who had only one , " Little Claus . " Now we shall hear what happened to them , for this is a true story . Through the whole week , Little Claus was obliged to plough for Great Claus , and lend him his one horse ; and once a week , on a Sunday , Great Claus lent him all his four horses . Then how Little Claus would smack his whip over all five horses , they were as good as his own on that one day . The sun shone brightly , and the church bells were ringing merrily as the people passed by , dressed in their best clothes , with their prayer - books under their arms . They were going to hear the clergyman preach . They looked at Little Claus ploughing with his five horses , and he was so proud that he smacked his whip , and said , " Gee - up , my five horses . " " You must not say that , " said Big Claus ; " for only one of them belongs to you . " But Little Claus soon forgot what he ought to say , and when any one passed he would call out , " Gee - up , my five horses ! " " Now I must beg you not to say that again , " said Big Claus ; " for if you do , I shall hit your horse on the head , so that he will drop dead on the spot , and there will be an end of him . " " I promise you I will not say it any more , " said the other ; but as soon as people came by , nodding to him , and wishing him " Good day , " he became so pleased , and thought how grand it looked to have five horses ploughing in his field , that he cried out again , " Gee - up , all my horses ! " " I 'll gee - up your horses for you , " said Big Claus ; and seizing a hammer , he struck the one horse of Little Claus on the head , and he fell dead instantly . " Oh , now I have no horse at all , " said Little Claus , weeping . But after a while he took off the dead horse 's skin , and hung the hide to dry in the wind . Then he put the dry skin into a bag , and , placing it over his shoulder , went out into the next tNieuwere berichten As we know , fairytales are not always about fairies . So , why do we call these tales fairy tales ? Why not just wonder tales , as they were earlier known ? Well , such stories became very popular in France towards the end of the 17th century . Writers such as Mme D ' Aulnoy began to put these tales into literary form ; Antoine Galland translated and adapted into French The Thousand and One Nights ; and Charles Perrault published his famous Tales of Mother Goose which included Sleeping Beauty , Cinderella , and Little Red Riding Hood among others . The French writers coined the term ' conte de fee ' to describe such stories . This term translates into English as ' fairy tale ' . Hence we call such wonder tales ' fairy tales ' . |
By the Zoo overlooking Lake Michigan At the Zoo By the river looking at Main St . bridge In front of the giant flower pot downtownThe kids and I have been busy this summer , it 's the first since Peter passed away . For some reason , I am motivated to do activities with them . It also helps that they are older now , and listen much better ! We walked around our downtown one day , looking at the yearly art projects . This year planters were painted by local artists and sponsored by local businesses . Our favorite one was sponsored by the bakery we love to go to , it was titled " Flour Power " . We hit the ice cream parlor and then the library after walking in the hot sun . The ice cream and air conditioning hit the spot ! On another day , we hit the beach with friends , we all got fried , even with sunscreen on ! On the Fourth of July week - end we sat through our cities three hour parade , I was the only one who got burnt . Sherry hosted a cook - out , and then we hit the fireworks . I love the way the fireworks reflect off of Lake Michigan . We were exhausted after the long week - end . Yesterday we went to our zoo , it only costs a dollar for residents on Mondays . It sits right on the lake , it 's a small zoo , but worth visiting at least once a year . We still have a few things left to do , especially our trip to Six Flags . All the kids received a ticket for reading six hours , so we only have to pay for drinks , and food . When you look into things , there are a lot of things to do in our area for cheap , or better yet , FREE ! ! I hope everyone is enjoying their summer . . . . Until next time - Take Care , Sue Last week - end I spent most of my time working at Greek Fest . The weather was awesome so that helped bring out the crowds . I was working on the food line , my job was to dish out the rice that went with the meals , lamb and chicken . We also had pastistio , moussaka , spanakopita , triopita , dolmathes , Greek salad , and feta cheese with Greek olives . That was just inside the building . Outside were gyros , souvlaki , saganaki , loukamathes , and a few other things . They also have a carnival going on , so there was also carnival food . On Sunday , Father 's Day , the kids and I went to the cemetery and planted flowers . We then went to my sister - in - law 's restaurant for lunch , of course it was delicious ! All of her family was there , we haven 't seen two of her kids in such a long time . It was a very nice visit . On the way home from there , we stopped by the fest , the kids hadn 't been there yet . They had such a good time riding the rides , especially Helen . She loved the Tilt - O - Whirl , she rode it twice . Although I think if I would have let her , she would have went on it all day ! Robbie played some of the games , he doesn 't like going on the rides . On our way out we bought Noah a hat , he was the only one without a Greek baseball cap . He wears it ALL the time , even to bed ! We stopped by the honey puff ( loukamathes ) booth and picked up two large orders . Our last stop was by the dance floor to watch some Greek dancing , I could watch it all day . The girls pulled up a chair , the boys on the other hand were bugging me to go . I thought it was appropriate we spent part of the day at the fest , it was where Peter spent his last Father 's Day . We had a good day . The kids started Vacation Bible School on Monday , they love going there every summer . Ted is one of the counselors this year , his first year doing it . He is helping with the Kindergartners , he enjoys it very much . He can 't believe these little kids want to spend so much time with him , they follow him everywhere . The other day he went to put all the name tags at the table and drop off his cap andPosted by I just got back from getting my car checked out . I have had issues with the transmission and was worried it was coming back . It 's still under warranty so I thought now is the time to get it looked at . Luckily it 's not the transmission , it 's something to do with the front differential and the four wheel drive going to the back of the car . My car is old , it 's a 1999 , but we bought in December 1998 . I know sooner than later I need a new one , I just can 't afford it at this time . I 'm hoping it will hang in there and be good to me ! Summer vacation has started , the kid 's last day was yesterday and Helen 's is today . I now have a seventh , two fifth , a fourth , second , and first grader under my roof , they grow so quickly ! Noah graduated from Kindergarten on Wednesday . I took him out for lunch at the place of his choice , he chose IHOP for pancakes . I was hoping for Chili 's or Red Robin , but that didn 't happen . When we were done we stopped at a greenhouse to buy some veggies for our garden and pick up flowers . He was such a big help , he carried the flats of flowers for me , and I didn 't even have to ask . He has gotten so big , and so mature from the beginning of the school year . It made me a bit sad . All of them are becoming more independent , it 's hard for me to adjust . I need to let them do things , it 's a hard habit to break . Helen has had some issues at school , I 'm glad the end of the year is here . It 's not the teachers , it 's the other kids in her inclusion class . She is at that age where they know there is something different about her , but don 't quite get that she is still just like them . There are the few who will never get it . Some of that comes from the parents , they don 't get it themselves and so they can 't convey to their kids how wrong it is to tease . Now that I think about it , that 's everywhere , it 's not just with special needs kids . Bullies can be put into that same category . Ted has one in his class , the parents are no where to be found . In fact , the kids that cause the most problems at the school , are the ones whosePosted by Last week we had a death in our family , our sister - in - law 's dad passed away . It didn 't feel right for me to write , he read our blog religiously . One day he was riding his bike and working around the house , and the next , laying in a hospital unconscious . He died less than two weeks later . He was always so good to us when we would visit Savannah , GA , his town . It is such a beautiful place to visit . My sister - in - law is doing okay , it 's never easy losing someone we love . On a different note , Noah turned six last week and he graduates from Kindergarten next week . The rest of the kids are done with school at the end of next week . . . YIKES ! Now that they 're older , I 'm hoping they will help more around the house . I want to start getting some work done this summer so I can have a little extra income coming in , times are tough ! They keep asking when I 'm going to put the pool up , all I see are $ $ $ $ $ ! We don 't have a huge pool , but every extra expense adds up . Besides , our weather has been so wacky , just like everywhere else in the U . S . , it 's crazy . It 's been much cooler than usual here , it 's only just recently started warming up . I want to make sure we have more warmer weather than cooler before I put it up . I have made some plans for us this summer . We are going to meet up with friends at the beach , we have a very nice one in our town . I have a friend who 's in - laws have a lake house , we 're going there , and a friend who 's parents have a cabin in Northern WI that we 've been invited to . Robbie 's best friends parents have a cabin near the Wisconsin Dells , so we may go there for a little getaway . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed it will all work out . We are still waiting to hear from our pattern makers . As soon as the samples are sewn , we will start to send them out for you to try on and give us feedback . Until next time - Take Care , Sue Last week I had Helen 's IEP meeting with her new team , it went well . The only change that was made was to the amount of time she spends in the mainstream classroom for reading . Since this subject is her strongest , we feel the additional time spent with her peers will be a benefit to her without affecting her schoolwork . I was told throughout the whole meeting how much they love Helen and love having her in the classroom . They all wish she would have been in their class earlier so they could have spent more years with her . She only has one more year at that school and then will move to a middle school . I 'm going to start looking into that now so that I know what my choices are . Like everywhere else , there are some schools that are better than others . I am relieved it went so well , I have heard horror stories of other IEP 's . So we are set for another year , unless any issues arise . Ted went HOBO camping last week - end with his Boy Scout troop , they slept in boxes . Our weather here was cold and rainy , ALL week - end . Ted had so much fun , he didn 't care about the weather . The only things he took were his sleeping bag , boxes , spoon , cup , and a stick . They used their sticks to roast hot dogs and make pancakes . They would put pancake batter on the stick , let it dry a bit and then dip the stick back into the batter until it formed a ball . Then they roasted it over the fire to make the pancake . . . how clever is that ! ? ! ! This week - end they are cleaning their part of the highway they adopted , having a cook - out and then swimming at a club pool . Robbie 's Cub Scout den is going to join them for the highway clean - up and cook - out , they don 't get to swim . Since Robbie is still in Cub Scouts , guess who gets to go with to help . . . ME ! He still needs to have a parent with him at his outings . I just heard the weather for tomorrow and they are saying we should be clear of rain from 9am - 2pm . . . perfect ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue The school year is almost over and the kids have field trips scheduled left and right . Ted and his class took an overnight field trip to a Bible camp here in Wisconsin . I was able to go during the day and help out . They had a lot of activities to keep them busy . They did horseback riding , fishing , canoeing , archery , poetry , animal tracking , fire building , orienteering , nature hike , paper making , and owl pellets . I have never seen owl pellets before , I didn 't even know what they were . Do you ? It 's what an owl regurgitates . . . I know , YUCK ! They are like big hair balls . The kids pull them apart and inside are the skeletal remains of the prey they have eaten . The kids are supposed to try and identify what 's in there . The only way you can figure that out is if there is a skull in the pellet . Ted had three skulls in his ! At night they made a big fire and roasted marshmallows and made smores . They told a few ghost stories and played elbow tag with their teacher , he stayed the entire time with them . All the time I spent this past year helping raise money for this trip was worth it , Ted had a blast . While I was helping out at Ted 's trip , I missed a field trip of Robbie and Noah 's . I wish I could have gone , but there weren 't very many parents that offered to help , so they needed me to be there . Robbie has another one coming up next week , but they leave as soon as they get to school . Helen 's bus comes after I drop the other kids off , so I won 't be able to go to that one either . I will be able to go with Grace on her final field trip , I 'm looking forward to that one . Ted , Robbie , and Katie have done this field trip , but I have never been able to go . In fact , when Ted went , Peter and I were at the Mayo clinic getting his initial testing done . This is the time of year when the battle began for Peter . This is a difficult time of year for me , I 'm glad to be so busy ! Last Saturday we had a fitting with the new pattern for the jeans . It went very well , the jeans fit Helen so much nicer than the previous pattern . We are going to have Posted by We missed marching in the Greek Independence parade on Sunday , the kids were sick . Ted had a fever , Katie was coughing , and Grace was still blowing her nose . I wasn 't feeling that great myself , so we stayed home . On Monday , Ted stayed home from school recovering from the fever . I received a phone call from the kid 's school , Noah went to the office first thing in the morning and had been laying on their couch . They called to see if I wanted to pick him up or send him back to class . After talking with him , I decided to go and pick him up . Once he got home , he was fine , he played on the computer . He could have stayed at school ! About a few hours later , another phone call from the school , Katie wasn 't feeling well . After talking to her , I decided to bring her home . I worked on getting the laundry done during the day , about an hour before school was over I received another call from the school , Robbie wasn 't feeling well . I talked to him and we agreed he could lay on the couch until school was over . Once everyone was home , I had two with sore throats , one with a headache and stomachache , and one still blowing her nose . Ted and Helen were the only ones feeling fine . On Tuesday , Katie was feeling better so she went to school along with Ted , Helen , and Grace . Robbie and Noah stayed home with sore throats and no fever . Because Robbie had strep a few weeks ago , I called the doctor and they ordered a strep test through the lab . They told me if Robbie was positive for strep , they would prescribe medication for any other child in the household with the same symptoms . I didn 't have Noah tested because of that . The rapid test came back negative . I sent Robbie and Noah to school on Wednesday because they were bouncing off the walls . The only symptom was the sore throat , other than that , they felt fine . The twenty - four test came back inconclusive , meaning , something was happening with the sample and they wanted to wait another twenty - four hours . Now it 's Thursday and I just heard from the doctor 's office . Robbie has strep , but it ' sPosted by The kids are on Spring break . . . finally ! Everyone was healthy for the holiday , the sickness kicked in the next day . Helen didn 't want to eat lunch , which is not like her . She was in the living room with the other kids , playing video games . When she started crying , the girls came and told me something was wrong . When I got to the living room , Helen was sitting on the couch with her head buried in the cushion . She wouldn 't talk to me and wouldn 't lift her head up so I could take a look at her face . I rubbed her back until she stopped crying and then asked her if she wanted to come by me . She told me no , she wanted to stay and play video games . I went back to cleaning and doing laundry . About a half an hour later I heard Helen crying again , I found her on her bed . I grabbed her and brought her into my room where we laid down on my bed . She finally settled down and fell asleep for three hours . When she woke up , she had a fever . I gave her Tylenol and kept an eye on her . I noticed she wasn 't drinking either , so I thought maybe she had caught Robbie 's strep throat . I called the doctor 's office , they called in an order to the lab for Helen to get a strep test done . The lab closed in twenty minutes and Helen needed socks on and I needed to change . We got there with five minutes to spare . There were two people at the check in desk , one was on her way out . She told me the other person would be with us in a minute . Then the phone rang , and the clerk decided to answer it and then proceeded to take care of the patient on the phone while Helen and I waited . . . . five minutes . When I finally got to check in and told the clerk Helen was there for the lab , she started to tell me we wouldn 't be able to get the test done . I didn 't even let her finish , I said to her , " Oh no , we were here in time , she needs this test done ! " She told me the lab technician had already logged out , I again repeated that we were there in time . She left and went and spoke with the lab , came back and started checking us in . When we got back to the lab , I could Posted by Helen 's teacher talked me into going to another concert at her school . It was with a retired music teacher that came in to help with a special project . When you walk into Helen 's school , there is a long wall that has been empty . The school decided to have a mural painted on that wall . The art teacher 's retired dad ( who is an artist ) volunteered his time and got the job done . The program was an unveiling of the artwork and also the premier of the new school song . It was like night and day , this program was so well organized . They must have gotten seats from another school , because there were plenty to go around . Helen was standing next to her classmates , they were all joking around before the concert started . She had a great time singing , and especially liked singing the new school song . After Helen 's group was done singing , there was a brief intermission and then the unveiling of the wall . Helen got popcorn and the girls got Popsicles . Ted was home watching Robbie who was sick with strep throat , and Noah wanted to stay with them . I was with my girls , we had a nice time . The mural turned out very nice , the artist did a nice job . After the unveiling the next group was going sing , Helen yelled , " Let 's go ! " I guess she had enough ! I felt bad for leaving since that was one of the things I complained about at Helen 's other concert . I guess the difference was , we were standing in the hallway by the front doors , we were not in the gym with everyone else . I did send an email to the Principal and the Assistant Principal praising the evening . They both saw how much fun Helen had . I 'm glad her teacher talked me into going , there was a feeling of community that night . Holy week is upon us , and I have one home with a cold and another with pink eye . I 'm hoping we are all healthy for the holiday . Last night while Helen was in the shower , she told me her eye hurt . I thought maybe she had gotten soap in her eye , it did look red . While drying her off , I noticed her eye had discharge , and she kept closing them tight . While putting hePosted by On March 17th the kids and I went to Helen 's first music concert , Helen was extremely excited . When we got there we didn 't know where to go since this was our first experience of an evening event at her school . We stood there in front of staff , none of whom I recognized , for a few very awkward minutes . One of them finally said , " Helen , are you here to sing ? " The tone in her voice led me to believe she was surprised to see her , which then made me think , maybe she wasn 't supposed to be here . Helen answered with a " Yes " , she was then sent to a small auditorium to sit and wait for her turn . The rest of us just stood there not knowing where to go . I looked into the gym and saw the other families so we went in there , no thanks to the staff . We looked around for six seats so we could take our places , but there were none to be found . Only half the gym was filled with chairs , so I went back out into the hallway and asked if they were going to put more chairs out . I was told all the chairs were out . I was in disbelief so I asked , " These are the only chairs you have ? " I was told , " They are all we have in the whole building . " I then said , " You mean you don 't have enough seats for all the families who came to see their child sing ? " The response , " That is correct . " The kids and I went and stood against the wall waiting for Helen to perform , just our luck , her group is last . I then saw a staff member come in with more chairs so I told Ted to go and grab some chairs for us . We started to file in the new row of chairs when a woman came and sat right in the middle . There were not six empty chairs on either side of her . The Assistant Principal must have seen the frustration on my face and he went and asked the woman to move down . She bit his head off , I couldn 't believe it . After he said a few words to her , he walked away to get chairs from his office for us . As soon as he left the woman moved down one chair , still not enough for all of us to sit . Noah ended up on my lap , and it was very stuffy in the gym . The fifth graders are thePosted by We have been so busy around here , I haven 't had a chance to sit and write . When I 'm not at one of the school 's helping out , or acting as chauffeur , I 'm throwing a load of laundry in the washer , folding it , or straightening up around the house . While I get " caught up " around here , I thought I 'd share the videos of Robbie ( he 's the cowboy ) , Katie ( middle pink ) , and Grace ( middle purple ) in their school 's variety show . I hope you enjoy ! This Sunday , Helen has a fitting with the pattern maker . I 'm hoping we brought the rise up far enough so we can move ahead with the jeans . I 'm very excited ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue I was without my computer for a couple of weeks thanks to a virus , why are people so evil ! ? ! ! I am keeping an eye on my bank account and checking my credit cards everyday . . . . what a pain ! I was using the kids computer while mine was out of commission . It was so s . . . . . . l . . . . . o . . . . . . w ! I 'm having it looked at , just in case . It 's a shame when you trust the security product you purchased and someone is able to break through it . My computer had to be reformatted , it was a mess . It is wonderful now , it 's much quicker than before . I always wondered why everyone raved about their high speed Internet , now I know . Helen has had a few issues at school . After spending time in her special education class , she leaves , on her own , and goes into her inclusion class . The special ed . class is in the front of the school and the inclusion class is in the back . It 's a very long hallway she has to walk down . There is a boy in her class who leaves about five minutes before Helen in order to go to his inclusion class which is different from Helen 's . The other day , I 'm told , he hit Helen in the nose . One of the aides found her in the hallway crying . When she asked what was wrong , Helen told her the boy hit her in the nose . They got her calmed down and then asked her again what had happened . While telling the story she giggled a little , this put some doubt in their minds that it really happened . When going through Helen 's backpack that day , I came across the note explaining what had happened . First of all , Helen very rarely cries , and if she does , something happened to her . Second of all , this is not the first time this boy has hit her . Did they really think Helen would come up with a story like that , it 's really not in her to do that . She kept touching her nose and saying the boy 's name to me , that was proof enough for me . I suggested they let Helen leave first from the classroom , that way , the boy can 't wait for her in the hallway . I 'm hoping this solves the problem , if not , I 'll definitely have to go in and talk with the principal . Don ' tPosted by Excited to see meEating lunch After recessLast Wednesday Helen 's school had " bring a friend to lunch " day , so I went . I reminded her in the morning , while waiting for the bus , that I would be there . I went to the kid 's school to help with hot lunch , like I do every Wednesday , then headed to Helen 's school right after . When I got there , I had to wait with the other parents in the hallway , lunches were running behind . While I was standing there , I saw Helen coming down the hallway , she was skipping . I didn 't say anything and waited for her to see me . She 's looking down while she 's skipping , she stops , looks up , and sees me . " MOMMY ! " she yells , and starts running . She gave me a big hug , almost knocking me over since she came at me full speed ! She told me , " Come on " , so I followed to her inclusion class where her coat is hanging on the wall . Her classmates are all getting their boots and coats on since they 'll be going outside right after they 're done eating . She walks up to them and says , " Guys , guys , look , it 's Lolly ! " They all just stare at me , they have no idea what she just said , they don 't know her name for me is Lolly . I explained that to her , so she said , " Look , it 's Mommy . " They all said hi to me and then a few of the girls told me she was so excited about me coming , it was all she talked about that morning . I followed behind her class on the way to the lunchroom and watched my big girl get her hot lunch . We found a spot to sit at the table and were joined by one of her classmates and his aide from her special ed . class . He told me all she talked about was me coming for lunch , she was very excited . After lunch the kids lined up for recess , I was the only parent to go outside , what 's up with that ! ? ! ! It was a nice day , a little gloomy , but not freezing cold ! I watched her play with some of her friends , and was told by one of her classmates how she likes to push on the slide . I was a bit concerned when I saw how much supervision they have on the playground . . . . not much . I talked to the aide and then to one of tPosted by Last week we had the blizzard and this week we have frigid temperatures . . . . BRRRRR ! ! Helen turned eleven on Sunday , she was very happy when the Packers won the Super Bowl on her birthday ! One of her teachers must be a die hard Packer fan , he taught her to say , " GO PACKERS ! ! " Robbie kept trying to get her to say , " Go Pack Go " , but she stuck to her guns . Robbie and I watched the game , I enjoyed the commercials , he enjoyed the game . It was so cute watching him get so excited , he was such a guy . Katie finished her basketball season with only one loss ! The team they lost to , they beat last week . In Katie 's eyes , they didn 't loose any games , they cancelled each other out . If only it worked that way ! I am looking forward to this week - end , it 's the first in a very long time that we have nothing planned , well , except for church . It 's going to be nice to sleep in and just hang out . Of course I 'll be doing laundry and some housework , that 's a given . The kids will be able to stay in their jammies , they love doing that . Last Sunday was Scout Sunday at church . Ted was an altar server and Robbie took up gifts , they enjoy participating . This was the first year I took all the kids , they usually stay home with Sherry . We sat in the main part of church with the other scout families . I wasn 't sure if we would make it through the whole mass , Helen sometimes gets the giggles . She did giggle a few times , but it didn 't get out of control . We tried one other time to sit in the main part instead of the cry room , it wasn 't successful . Helen was making gas sounds , some were for real , some she made with her mouth . She was laughing so much that I had to take her into the cry room while the other kids stayed put . Robbie 's big buddy from school went and sat with them to keep an eye on them . Robbie met his big buddy when he was in kindergarten . The school pairs up seventh graders with kindergartners so they have a buddy to hang out with at some of the school functions . Robbie was very lucky , his big buddy was awesome , and still is ! Robbie started kPosted by Looking NorthLooking SouthView from our backdoor , had to shovel a path for Toby The past couple of days have been crazy around here . . . The Blizzard of 2011 ! We started hearing the possibility of snow over the week - end . We then started hearing how much snow we were going to get . Growing up in Illinois , I was used to the idea of being hit hard with snow , so I just rolled with the information . After Helen left for school Monday morning I ran to the grocery store to pick up bread , milk , and eggs . That afternoon I received a text from my neighbor asking if my cabinets were stocked with food , and if I had enough milk to last a couple of days . That was the first I had heard of a blizzard heading our way . I made sure we had what we needed and then got the house cleaned up knowing most of my time would be spent outside getting the snow taken care of . Monday afternoon and Tuesday we went about the day as usual . It is Catholic Schools week at the kid 's school so there were events planned for everyday . Tuesday morning was a carnival that I helped at , and then in the afternoon the whole school went roller skating . It was there that I received the call from Helen 's teacher , they would be getting out of school an hour early due to the weather changing . Once school was let out , I called the place where Ted has swimming lessons to see if they were still having them , yes , he still had class . He was the only one out of eight kids that showed up . He had a private lesson , with two teachers that night . The club is right on Lake Michigan , so when we left , we were almost blown away ! The blizzard was at the beginning stages , windy , snowy , and cold . We snuggled in for the night , watched movies , and watched the storm . We could not see the houses across the street from us , it was very creepy . We woke up to white . . . everywhere ! I got a text from my neighbor telling me to meet them outside , it was time to shovel everyone out . Thank God for great neighbors , we worked together as a team and got everyone shoveled out . I can 't believe all the snow , Posted by Robbie 's basketball team has yet to win a game in the regular season , they did win one in a tournament over the holidays . Saturday is the last game , we 're hoping for a win . This will be the last game with the team that has played together for the past three years . He has been playing through our city program , but next year he gets to play for his school . Luckily , seven of his classmates have been on the team with him . Another player attends our church and religious education program , so he 'll be able to be a part of the team . On Saturday , Robbie will be saying good - bye to the other two players . According to Robbie , one of the boys is a really good player , the other one , not so much . He doesn 't like to pass the ball , and when he runs to the basket , rarely makes it . Katie , on the other hand , has won all the games except one . She has two more games left because they had such a good season . I agreed to let her miss the next two weeks of Greek school so she can make it to practice . Her Greek school is from 5 : 00pm - 7 : 00pm , and her practice is 5 : 15pm - 6 : 15pm , they are on opposite sides of town . It would have been a lot of running around on my part , which means using a lot of gas . I would have to drop the kids off at Greek school , then race to drop Katie off at practice , go home for about thirty minutes and then drop Helen off at religious ed . , then go pick Katie up and drop her off at Greek school , go back to pick up Helen and then back to Greek school to pick them all up . There is no other way to do it , that 's going by their schedules and what time they get out of the activities . YIKES ! She has done a good job understanding the plays so far , but did have a few games where she felt overwhelmed . I don 't want her to end the season feeling that way , so might as well let her miss a couple weeks of Greek school . We 're hoping to end the season with only one loss , I think the girls can do it . I 'm off to work my usual Wednesday hot lunch at the school . One day I 'll no longer be able to do this , so I 'm enjoying it while I can . UnPosted by Last week I was trying to fight off a cold , it won ! By the end of the week , I was miserable . I can 't get sick , there is too much to be done and no one to pick up the slack . Helen has been sniffing a lot the past couple of days , I hope she doesn 't get it . Since her nasal passages are thin , it doesn 't take much for her to catch colds . I tried my best to stay a good distance from her , but she 's a hugger , and there was no getting away from that . I tried turning my head away from her , but she loves to get right in my face and talk to me . I guess she figures that 's the only way she will get my undivided attention ! Ted 's home sick with a sore throat today , hopefully it won 't get worse , he 's prone to strep . I 'm hoping to get caught up with things around here , it doesn 't take much to fall behind . Robbie placed fourth in the Pinewood Derby race with the Cub Scouts . He will be going to the district race , his first time . His car is a slice of pepperoni pizza , it looks so cool . Ted went to the district twice , and Robbie 's best friend has gone the past couple of years , so it was a great night when he realized he was going . The district race is crazy . . . lots of people , mostly excited boys , their energy could power the city ! It gets so loud , I would guess there to be around seventy - five Scouts racing . There are four heats to sit through , it makes for a very long day ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue It 's only the second week of the new year , and I 've already broken all my resolutions ! One of my resolutions was to get back to writing once a week . . . obviously , that didn 't work ! We haven 't had much happening lately , which is actually a good thing , boring , but good . We had wonderful holidays , I gained too much weight , but who doesn 't ? Of course , one of my other resolutions was to start walking again . . . that didn 't happen either ! I feel like I need to hibernate , I 've got enough fat stored for the winter now I just need to sleep and wake up thinner ! I haven 't walked because it 's been so cold . I put the blame on Toby . . . how can I take him out for a walk in this cold weather , he has such short hair , he 'll freeze . . . see how easy it is ! ? ! ! I took a jewelry making class last week , knotted pearl necklace to be exact . I LOVED it , I think I have found my calling . I 'm going to take more classes so I can learn other techniques . Who knows , maybe someday you 'll see them on here , that would be AWESOME ! Any suggestions you might have on styles / color schemes , feel free to share , I 'll do my best . Who knows , maybe one day it will be a mom and daughters product line , wouldn 't that be great ! Helen has been so good at church lately , she is signing the prayers , and has even started signing with the readings . I thought I would give it a try and sit in the main part of church , we usually sit in the cry room . On Saturday , Helen and I went to Mass by ourselves , I wanted one on one with her . We walk into church and Helen heads to the front of church . I thought nothing of it , since that 's where we sat on Christmas Eve . Instead of stopping at a pew , she opens the door that heads to the cry room . I 'm about 10 feet behind her and I 'm trying to shout , without shouting , so she won 't go into the cry room . She either didn 't hear me , or chose to ignore me , she went right into the cry room and made herself comfortable . I reminded her that we were going to sit in the main part of church , she insisted we stay put , so we did . She was paying attention becausPosted by Some postings have purple text . That 's where I ask directly for feedback and opinions from you . Please share your thoughts ; they are invaluable . Thanks ! |
Home silliness Of Heaven and Hell , My Side Ch . 01 March 11 , 2013 | Author sexstory Before I start I want to thank Catheath , for being my editor , consultant , muse and friend . She is kind and patient with her help and guidance . Even her criticisms make me feel good . I should mention that in working on the female orgasm I read " My Take on Writing a Female Orgasm , " by Redhairedandfriendly . It is an excellent article . Chapter 1 I slowly walked toward the gate . The gate that would take me to the airplane , which would take me far from this , the most wonderful city in the world . The plane that would take me back to Santa Fe , back to the University , back to the classrooms and the students , back to the Convent of St . Mary . I stopped and turned around . He was standing there watching me . I took one step toward him and then rushed back into his arms . He held me tight and kissed me . I tried to melt into his arms , to become one with him … forever . We broke apart and he gave me a sad smile and said , " I love you , Carol . " I quietly said , " I love you , Zack . " I looked into his eyes and said , " In answer to your question of Wednesday morning … YES my love … yes … I 'll marry you . " I turned and ran through the closing gate and walked to the plane . The stewardess who closed the door was walking behind me and said , " It 's not easy leaving him , is it ? " It 's funny , usually at this point , the storyteller says something like , " Where should I start ? " or " I 'm not sure where this all began . " But , I don 't have that problem . I know exactly where this started . Around seven years ago , I was standing in a classroom in St . Steven 's High School , in a rather tough section of Baltimore . This was my first teaching assignment , fresh out of MIT with a degree in mathematics . I had recently taken my final vows in the Order of St . Benedict . I was a nun and now a high school teacher . Truth be known , I wanted to be a nun , but I would have rather been somewhere else . Teaching a bunch of tough high school seniors was not exactly what I wanted to do . St . Steven 's also had the Christian Brothers de La Salle ( the French Christian Brothers ) teaching there . Like us , their mission was to teach the sons and daughters of the poor and working class . They were a tough bunch of Brothers , they didn 't take any guff , but the kids absolutely loved them . Now , I wouldn 't want you to think that we Nuns were a bunch of pushovers . We " Bennies " could be just as tough as the " Frenchies . " And the kids liked us too , as much as the Brothers ? Yea I think so . Where they could be more physically intimidating , with us nuns it was by force of will . It was the first day of classes and I was in my homeroom . I was standing by the window looking out when I heard someone walk into the room . I was told that Zachary Miller would be the first one in . His mother drops him off early , as she had to be at work in the office of a nearby factory . I turned and saw a handsome young man walking into the classroom . He was about six feet tall with light brown hair and light blue eyes . He was well built , with broad shoulders , a thin waist and a light easy gait . I could imagine that he could have his pick of the girls here at St . Steven 's , in fact , probably anywhere . I smiled and said , " Good morning , I 'm Sister Carol . You must be Zachary . I was told that you are usually the first student to arrive . " He stared at me . His blue eyes were as big as saucers . His jaw dropped and he walked right into a desk , which crashed to the floor with Zachary falling over it and his books flying all over . I quickly ran over to it and helped him off of the desk . He was stammering , trying to put some words together . Seeing that he was okay , I sat in one of the desks and laughingly asked , " My goodness , Zachary . Do I look that frightening that you fall over desks trying to get away ? " I had expected him to just walk out and come right back in . But he didn 't . The classroom slowly filled , but no Zachary . Some of the other students commented on his absence . I was beginning to think that maybe he was too embarrassed to come back . Had I teased him too much ? It was like he didn 't hear that . He was looking at me . In keeping with our charade , I said , " I 'm Sister Carol , I will be your homeroom teacher this year . And you are ? " I put my foot down and stopped that right away . But , as he walked down the aisle , I couldn 't help saying , " Be careful , Zachary . Don 't trip over the desk . " He turned a bit red and took his seat . I spent the homeroom time telling the class that I had just graduated from MIT and that I had just taken my final vows and that they were my very first class . That they were my first class made more of an impression than anything else . One of the girls yelled out , " Hey that makes us your Firsts . " The homeroom class was also my religion class , however , Zachary was also in my Advanced Placement Calculus and Trigonometry classes . He was a good student , and a great one in Calculus and Trig . He seemed to understand everything I said . I soon became conscious of the fact that he had a crush on me . At times I would catch him staring at me . When I did he would quickly look away . I found that it wasn 't unpleasant to have this handsome young man admire me . I did realize that he wasn 't much younger than me . He was around eighteen years old and I had just turned twenty - one . But it wasn 't the age difference that made the separation , it was the difference in authority . I was the teacher and a nun and he was the student . The year flew by . I was thrilled when Zachary received a scholarship to Stanford University in California . He credited me with getting it for him . I had written a letter of recommendation . I didn 't think that a letter from a teacher who only had a semester of experience with a student had much weight , but he thought it did . Zachary finished the year as the salutatorian and he received the Calculus medal , I had no input in that , but I wasn 't surprised as he had a perfect mark . He lost out to Mary Beth , the Valedictorian by only a half a point . He wasn 't bothered by that at all . His only comment was , " Hey , I like Mary Beth , she 's smart and a real nice girl . " On the last day of classes , my homeroom met in our classroom after school . They presented me with a crystal sculpture that was engraved with " To the worlds GREATEST teacher . Thank you for being our teacher , mentor and especially our friend . Love your very first class … The Firsts . It was dated the last day of class . I couldn 't thank them enough . As they slowly left I shook their hands and gave hugs to the girls . The last one to leave was Zachary . He took my hand in his and smiled at me . " Sister , I wanted to thank you for all that you did for me . And I don 't just mean the letter . " Then , he was gone out into the hall , I was a bit surprised that he said that . I smiled and as I turned and I walked back to my desk , I saw one of those yellow sticky notes on the crystal . I looked closely . The note was placed just above the engraving . There was an arrow pointing between the words " GREATEST " and " teacher " in a very precise printing it said , " And most beautiful . " At the commencement ceremony , Zachary gave his speech after Mary Beth . As he approached the podium he looked at me and smiled . I was smiling , my favorite student was up there giving a speech . I felt so proud . To be truthful , I really don 't remember what he talked about . I was far to engrossed in just watching him . His facial expressions , his gestures , his eyes and how they would quickly look away when they met mine . The speech must have been good because he did receive resounding applause , especially from the Swimming Team . As he walked off of the stage , they started that chant , " Zachary Zachary Zachary … Zachary Zachary Zachary … " After the ceremony ended , I went out to the school lobby , looking for him and his family . I saw him run to the stairway and knew where he was going . Up to the third floor to finish emptying his locker . I took the elevator , as a teacher I could do that . As I walked down the hall , I heard a locker door slam open . He was so intent in getting everything out that he didn 't hear me walk up behind him . He turned around and I continued , " I wanted to tell you just how proud of you I am . And I have a little something , for you . Just so you won 't forget me too soon . " I handed him a small box . " Zachary , you are incorrigible , " I laughed . I could feel my cheeks getting warm as I blushed . I leaned over and gave him a light kiss on the cheek . " I wish you the best of luck , but the way you work , you won 't need any . You 'll make your own . " He walked into the hall and said , " Oh , Sister , I was hoping that I would see you . I really want to thank you for all you did for Zack . That letter was absolutely wonderful … but just who were you writing about ? " I shook their hands and said good - bye and as I walked away , I heard Mr . Miller . " Hey Zack , come back to the world of the living . Wow , you really have a thing for her , don 't you ? " " Zack , she is a nun . You shouldn 't think about her like that . But , I can see what you see in her . She 's a lovely woman . " He said in a soft understanding voice . " Au , Dad , it ain 't like that . I like her , but I know that she is a nun . But , I can dream can 't I ? " I heard them walk down the hall . I slowly walked to the faculty parking lot . I had tears in my eyes . I would miss that boy , I would miss him a lot . Did the teacher have a crush on her student ? I guess I did . I wiped my eyes , steeled myself and drove to my cell in the Mother House . I don 't know how long he had been standing outside my classroom before I noticed him . When I looked up he had the same look that he had on the first day of homeroom . " He still thinks that I am beautiful , " I thought to my self and a warm feeling seemed to flow through my body . We stood there holding hands , talking about our year and then Marty came busting into the room . I let go of Zack 's hands and turned to welcome Marty . They left a short time later . As I had just received my Masters Degree , I was sent to the mid - west , to Minneapolis , Minnesota to teach in one of our colleges and later to Los Angeles when I started to work on my doctorate . I didn 't see Zack for the next six years . During those years I lost all touch with him , but I did occasionally receive letters from one or two of the girls who had been one of the Firsts . All they seemed to know about Zack is that he was still good looking and was in the Army . I never heard any more about him . But that didn 't mean that I never thought about him . I still had that crystal ( I called it the ice berg ) and that yellow sticky on it . The yellow paper wasn 't sticky any more and I used scotch tape to hold it on . After receiving my Doctorate , I was sent to a small university just outside of Santa Fe , New Mexico . I was teaching subjects I loved , to students who wanted to learn . I had a couple of undergraduate classes and a few graduate classes . I was in heaven . The money that was given to me by the order was more than enough to pay for my food , just as long as I didn 't eat out every night . I was comfortable with the situation . And I was very excited about giving my talk . I was also very nervous . I would be talking to people who knew my subject as well , if not better that I did and many who formulated postulates that I had worked with . I arrived at the hotel on Sunday afternoon , as I was giving my talk on Monday morning they wanted me there on Sunday . After unpacking my bags , I went down to the lobby . I was going to go out for a walk , I had never been in St . Louis and wanted to see the city . I also thought as this was my first night here I could splurge and I would have dinner out . As I walked through the lobby I saw what I thought was a familiar face . I looked closely and thought , " Oh my God , that 's Zack … that 's Zachary Miller . " He had really grown up . There walking through the lobby was not a young boy but a man . A very handsome and mature man . It seemed that he had a slight limp … but I didn 't pay attention . I gawked . I was lucky that there were no tables or desks in front of me or I would have walked into it . Without thinking I blurted out , " Zachary Zachary Zachary Miller . " He looked up at me and smiled . Then it was like he really saw who was talking to him . His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped . In an instant he became that eighteen - year - old boy in my homeroom at St . Steven 's . " I 'm here at the Maritime Symposium , I 'm giving a talk tomorrow in the early afternoon . The organizers wanted me here tonight . So here I am . But , what are you doing in St . Louis , the last I heard you were out here in the mid - west , teaching at some college . " " I 'm in New Mexico now , just outside of Santa Fe . It 's a small university and I 'm teaching math to undergrads and graduate students . They sent me there after I received my doctorate . I love it , " I said . He smiled and said , " That explains why you look all tan and healthy . A doctorate ? I 'm really impressed . Tell me do I call you Doctor Sister Carol or Sister Doctor Carol ? " It felt good to see that he hadn 't changed , still a tease . I laughed , " Just Carol will be good . " Then I realized what I said and I closed my eyes , knowing what he was going to say . I went on , " It 's really nice , they are paying for everything , my flight and the room . The only expense that I have is my meals . I 'm on my own for that . " One was blonde and the other had black hair . The guy with the black hair was saying , " I 'm telling you , Terry , that 's not him . That 's not Papa . " Terry continued to argue , " Look Bobby , let me explain , and I know this stuff because I took a whole semester of psychology in college . Ya see , when you experience unbelievable ugliness and then it is taken away , like sent to the States and then thrown out of the Army , your mind being so delicate , can 't continue to remember that ugliness . What it does is pretty it up . So what your mind had done is pretty up your memory of Papa . " He stood Zack between him and Bobby and blew at Zack 's chest . Bobby mimed like he was being hit by a gale force wind . When Terry stopped , Bobby grabbed Zack and gave him a huge bear hug , lifting him off the ground . At that point , Terry seemed to have discovered me . " Wow , Papa , just where did you find this lovely creature . " He then took my hand and kissed it and in a disgustingly greasy voice continued , " For such a beauty , you sure don 't have any taste in men . I should warn you that Papa is just an old broken down soldier . " Bobby chimed in with , " You should know that he a Army reject . Such a beautiful woman as you deserves a real man , a lot more than that patched up old gimp . You gotta realize that he is being held together with bailing wire and duct tape . " We went to a restaurant that Terry and Rachel knew . It was within walking distance of the hotel . As we had a few drinks , I told them that I had been Zack 's teacher in his senior year . I was shocked , could these women think that Zack was in love with me . I couldn 't believe it . Sure he had a schoolboy crush on me but LOVE . Never . Miriam laughed and said , " Well then you shouldn 't be . Now don 't take this wrong or as a criticism of you or your vocation , but I can 't understand what the Catholic 's obsession with chastity is . I 'm Jewish and all of our Rabbis are married . I don 't see how the love for someone will effect your love for God . " She laughed and threw her hands up , saying , " I have said my piece and that all I will say . " Rachel smiled and said , " I would have never taken you for a Nun . But then I have never known any Nuns before , I always thought you guys were like the Nun in The Blues Brothers . You know wearing the long black habit and gliding over the floor . " " Maybe you will never admit it , but I think that you have some very strong feelings for Zack . I can 't imagine what it 's like … loving someone who is unobtainable . I feel for the both of you . " Rachel broke in and said , " If it wasn 't for Zack … we would both be widows . Zack brought both Terry and Bobby back after they had been hurt . Zack saved them . " At this point the " boys " came back and the silliness started again . Dinner was just wonderful . All I could think about was what the women said . Did Zack love me ? They all loved him . Not because of what he had done for them but for who he was . He loved them and I slowly came to realize that he loved me . I sat back and watched him . He was really enjoying himself . Laughing and teasing , and they just loved it . The girls as well as the men . And I must say that I loved it also , but just how much and in what way ? After dinner we went to a nearby club . Zack asked me to dance . It was a fast one and I saw no problem , but the next one was a slow song . I stayed with Zack and we danced . He held me close and I held him . I have never felt so warm and comfortable . I liked what I was feeling . We held each other close and I rested my head on his shoulder and pulled him to me . It felt so good and right . After the music stopped we went back to the others . The silliness resumed . We left the club at a little after midnight . Amazingly , as I watched , Terry drank only sparkling water . He was the driver . For all the silliness they were responsible young men . I looked at them in an entirely different light . Zack was no longer the young student but a grown , responsible man as were Bobby and Terry . As we left the club and went to their car , I could see that they didn 't want to part . It was like watching a family being forced to go their own way . They all loved each other . They had a connection that I don 't think anyone outside of the " Band of Brothers " could understand . We said our goodbyes with hugs and kisses . It felt like I had known them for years . I hated to see them go . Just before they got into the car , Rachel and Miriam hugged me and Miriam smiled at me and said , " Listen , I don 't know what to say . He loves you and I believe that you love him . I will pray for you . I will pray that you both will find happiness . " We had one more hug and they got into the car . Zack and I watched as they drove off . I felt sad at losing these new friends . We had exchanged e - mail addressed and had promised to write . When we got back to the hotel we walked through to the lobby and into the elevator . When the elevator stopped at the seventh floor , Zack took me in his arms and he lowered his face to mine and kissed me . His lips were so soft on mine . They were warm and sweet . I liked it . He pulled back from me . I looked into his eyes and I saw what I knew was love . Zachary , Zachary , Zachary Miller was in love with me . I smiled at him and said , " Thank you for the perfect evening . I can 't remember ever enjoying an evening more than I have tonight . Nor do I remember enjoying being with anyone so much . " Zack smiled at me and I turned and walked back to my room . I was walking on clouds , my head in the sky . As I undressed , I thought about the evening . This was dangerous territory . I was feeling things that I had never felt before . Things that a nun shouldn 't allow herself to feel . I got on my knees and prayed . I asked my Lord for help , that he help me deal with this temptation . This temptation that I really didn 't want taken away . I asked for guidance , I needed to be shown what I should do . Deep in my heart I knew what I should do . I knew that I should avoid Zack , I should avoid him like the plague . But , I also knew that I wouldn 't . Would I be able to see Zack and avoid temptation ? I prayed for strength . I fell asleep praying . I awoke just as the sun started to come up . Once again I prayed . I showered , dressed and left my room to down to the hotel lobby . I walked two blocks to the Catholic Church , St . Sebastian 's . I attended mass and again prayed for guidance . After mass I went back to the hotel and my room , again I prayed . Around seven forty - five I left the room and went to the elevator , as I got onto the elevator , I heard a voice call , " Please hold the elevator . " It was the conference coordinator , Margaret Zeigler . When she saw me her eyes lit up . " Oh Carol , I 'm so glad I met you . You are the first speaker and I wanted to treat you to breakfast . Some of the other speakers will be meeting us down in the lobby and we are all going to have breakfast together . " We got off at the lobby and walked across to the restaurant . We met a group of people outside the restaurant and introductions were made . As Margaret was making the introductions , I looked into the restaurant and saw Zack sitting with a group of people . He looked at me and waved , I waved back . I put my forehead against his chest and in a low voice said , " Zack , I am so nervous . Margaret was talking about some of the people here and it 's like a Who 's Who of the Math Field . I will be talking to some of the greats . " Joan took me to the front of the conference hall and we waited until Margaret came . Then Margaret and I walked out and after welcoming everyone to the conference , she turned and said , " Now with the utmost pleasure I want to introduce Dr . Carol Williams , OSB . I am sure that you are all familiar with her work and will give her a warm welcome . " There was some applause as I approached the podium . I looked out into the audience and spied Zack sitting in the back of the hall . He was smiling at me . All of a sudden , I felt very comfortable out here . I placed my note card on the top and started to speak . I don 't use a lot of notes and I never read a speech . I write words on a card . The words let me know what a want to cover . My father , who had been a trial attorney , told me that , people can always tell when you are reading something . It sounds stiff . You know what you want to say , just have the card to make sure that you cover everything and keep a sequence to your talk . I finished to a round of applause and then spent about a half an hour answering questions . Finally , there was some more polite applause and the hall began to empty . Margaret came over to me and thanked me saying that she couldn 't have picked a better speaker to start the conference with , As I came off the stage , Zack was waiting for me . He came over to me and gave me a slight hug , saying , " You were wonderful , everyone loved you . Let me tell you , I wouldn 't want to be the guy who follows you . You set the bar so high that he is going to have to be an Olympic high jumper to even reach it . " We walked out of the hotel hand in hand and found a small diner with a salad bar . We ate light . I wasn 't hungry , coming down from my adrenalin high and he was getting nervous about his talk . I told him that he would be great , that he knew everything and it was something that he loved . " Don 't worry , you will be great . " I realized that I was doing what he had been doing for me , before I spoke . Once again I felt a warmth flow through my body . I really felt good . Zack stood there looking as confident as ever . His was alive . He was in his element . He knew exactly what he was doing . He scanned the room and when his eyes met mine he smiled . It seemed that he looked into my soul . That he could see the love that I had for him . All of my secrets were open to him . He was informative , without being boring and long winded , he made fun of himself and kept the talk light . After he finished , he spent another half hour answering questions . It seemed to everyone 's satisfaction . I sat back in my seat and enjoyed . My student … no , not a student any longer , he was the teacher and I felt something inside that I had never felt before . A certain pride , happiness for him , joy in seeing Zack excelling . I don 't know . Could it be love , was I falling in love with him ? Whatever , I felt wonderful . I sat and watched the other engineers gather around him as he came down off the stage . Zack talked and joked with them , making then laugh . As I watched , one young very attractive , woman was standing and talking to Zack , she put her hand on his arm as she talked . I felt a prick of jealousy , she was being a bit forward with him and I didn 't like it . But , Zack in a very casual way sort of side stepped and broke the contact . After a few moments they all left . I got up and walked toward him . We were alone in the hall . He smiled at me and held his arms out saying , " Well teach , did I do okay ? " I went over and hugged him and he hugged me back . I looked into his eyes and moved closer . I lifted my face to his and our lips met . Softly at first , but then our arms tightened and our lips crushed together . Then a door slammed shut and we jumped apart . Zack looked and me and gave a little laugh . I felt a little funny but just smiled . He took my hand and we walked out of the hall and then out of the hotel . I just wanted to spend some time away from the conference and Mathematics . I wanted time to unwind , having been so wound up from the talk . I needed time to relax and I couldn 't think of anyone I would rather be with . We walked a few blocks and found a small park . We sat on one of the benches and just talked . Zack told me of his time in the Army and how he met Terry , Bobby , Rachel and Miriam . He told me about his training , the tours in Iraq and Afghanistan . And a very sanitized version of loosing his knee . He made light what I am sure was a grueling time in training to be a Ranger and I am sure that I could never imagine what combat is like . Zack could find humor and even see beauty in even the worse situations . I could see what the others saw in him . How they could love him so much . We got up and walked , ending up at Busch Stadium , and we found that the Cardinals were playing the Reds . I grew up in Cincinnati and my Father and Mother were avid Red 's fans . I have been going to baseball games since I was an infant . Zack insisted that we get tickets for that night 's game . I was thrilled . I hadn 't been to a major league baseball game in ages . We went to dinner at a small , lovely Italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal . I think that the food was good , I really don 't remember . I was just enjoying my time with Zack . After dinner we walked to the stadium and got our seats . We were right along the third base line . Just before the seventh inning stretch , Ken Griffey , Jr . hit a long ball right along the third base line and into the stands . Zack leapt and grabbed the ball with his bare hand . The crowd around us went wild . Zack held the ball up and then gave it to me . After the game , I think that the Red 's won , I really don 't remember , we went to the players exit and were able to see Ken Griffey coming out of the park , he was with his wife . Zack and I approached and Zack said , " Excuse , me Mr . Griffey , would you sign this ball . It was the one that you hit out this evening and this lovely lady is a big fan . " He said , " Anything for a fan . Especially one who won 't change her loyalties for the one she loves . " He signed the ball and gave it to me . We all laughed and they got into the waiting limo and left . Zack and I walked back to the hotel hand in hand . The ball was in my pocket , I kept my hand on it all the way back . When we got to the Hotel we went straight to the elevators . It was crowed , there were a lot of the people from the convention and the symposium going back to their rooms . A lot of them had been partying . When we got to the seventh floor , Zack had to almost force his way out of the elevator . As he did one of the men grabbed his ass and gave it squeeze . Zack jumped and a number of people laughed . When we got off and the doors closed , he took me in his arms . I put my arms around him and lifted my face to his . Our lips met and in a second were pressed against each other . I felt his tongue slide across my lips and I opened my mouth gave it access . I welcomed his tongue into my mouth , I met it with mine and they caressed . It felt so wonderful and so right . Then one of the other elevator bells rang and we jolted apart . The doors opened and Margaret walked out . Her eyes grew when she saw me . " Oh , Sister Carol , I was looking for you . I have a huge favor to ask . " " Of course , I would be honored to be on the panel , " I answered . " I had looked forward to hearing him talk and I actually had some questions . I read his paper and I 'm not sure about how he came to certain points . That 's too bad . " Margaret gushed , " Oh Carol , thank you so much , I was in a tizzy not knowing what to do . We couldn 't have an empty hour . And now thanks to you and the other panelists we won 't . " Margaret turned and started to walk to her room and was talking about all of the problems that they were having . I started after her and then turned and once again looked back at Zack . He was still smiling and he mouthed , " I love you . " Margaret then turned toward the elevators and said , " Oh please forgive me , Mr . Miller . Where are my manners , how are you ? I heard that your presentation was a huge success . Congratulations , I have a feeling that you will be busy too . " She continued to walk to her room going back to our pervious conversation . I looked back and watched Zack get on the elevator . I had a feeling of loss as he went in . I was taken aback by her statement , but quickly recovered and said , " Yes he is and he is a wonderful person . I have known him a long time . I was his homeroom teacher in his senior year of high school . " She gave me a warm smile , " But , he isn 't your student any more . He is a very good looking man . And I think that he still has a crush on his teacher . " She was still smiling and she said , " You two make a very good looking couple . I think that you had better give this a lot of thought about what will make you happy . Please , don 't do anything without giving it a lot of thought . " Margaret gave me a big grin and sort of giggled , " Yes , my dear Sister , Jews can pray for Catholics . " She leaned over to me and kissed my cheek and went on , " I could never understand the Catholic fixation on celibacy . It seems like such a waste . Now I don 't want to get into a theological debate , just know that I hope the best for you . " As she walked away I turned and went into my room . I sat on the bed and tried to make sense of it all . Did I love Zack ? Was I willing to make a commitment and give up my life and start a new one . He hasn 't asked me to . Could this be just a fling for him , just a lark ? I didn 't think so . But what about me ? Sure it felt wonderful to have this sweet , delightful young man admire me . Was I leading him on ? Was I being fair to him , making him think that I was in love with him ? I got on my knees and prayed . I asked God for guidance . But I knew that all the guidance that I needed was in the vows that I took when I became a nun . What I had to do was make up my mind as to what I wanted to do . Did I want to spend the rest of my life in the Benedictine Order , teaching and living according to their rules ? The rules and life that I had chosen and the life that I loved , or did I want to spend the rest of my life with Zack , as a wife and possibly a mother ? I truly didn 't know . I continued to think about this and prayed , as I got ready for bed . I got into bed and I began to cry . Never before had I felt so conflicted . I was always so sure about what I wanted and how I would spend my life . Now ? ? ? I slept fitfully and woke up feeling very tired . But I got up and showered , it woke me up and I was feeling much better as I dressed and left the room . Again , I went to St . Sebastian 's for mass and I prayed . I knew what I should do . But , I had to make up my mind . Did I want Zack or the Order . I really wasn 't sure . Then it hit me , once again I thought , was I reading too much into Zack 's actions toward me . I didn 't think so , but I really didn 't know . After the service was finished and I was leaving the church , I stopped to speak to the parish priest . He was a jovial older man who gave me a wonderful welcome , even before I told him that I was a nun . We spoke about St . Louis and he told me that I couldn 't go back to New Mexico without visiting the Arch . " It 's truly a marvel and the view is to die for . " I went back to the hotel and saw Zack sitting with some of the symposium officials . They were having breakfast . They looked like they wanted something from Zack , as they were looking a bit stressed and watched Zack with hope . I met Margaret and we had breakfast . We talked about the conference , the symposium and how they just seemed to coincide . It seems that a lot of math teachers and professors and engineers were married or had significant others attending one or the other . It was so much easier to have the two groups together . This way both could go and it saved money for the attendees . After we finished breakfast , again Margaret paid , I went and sat in the lobby . I was only there for a few minutes , when Zack came over . I immediately got up and we walked out of the hotel . It was a warm day and we walked to the small park a few blocks away . We found a bench and sat . Zack took my hands in his and kissed my fingertips . He was making it look like he was tasting them , smacking his lips and saying " delicious . " He then sat back and smiled at me . I leaned over to him , put my hands on the side of his face , pulled him to me and softly kissed him . We held the kiss for a long time , it was soft and loving . He moved close to me and we talked . He told me that he was asked to do a question and answer session . He had set it up for Thursday , when I was having the panel discussion . I was sorry that I wouldn 't be able to see him , but we would both be busy at the same time . I mentioned that I wanted to see the Arch , so we walked there . Zack insisted that we ride to the top and see the sights . He had his camera with him and of course it was a digital . " It can take thousands of pictures and you will have to look at them all , " he laughed . As it was a Tuesday afternoon there was no one there . We were the only people in the elevator and there was only one other couple in the room at the top . We looked out the observation windows , with Zack taking pictures . He set the camera on a ledge and put it on the timer and he came over to me and put his arm around me as the camera flashed . He set it up again and when he came over to me I grabbed him and mashed my lips against his . The camera flashed and I giggled , " See if it came out okay . If not we can keep trying until we get it right . We had to repeat the shot about ten times , when we finally got it right . Well , it was sort of decided for us , as an elevator of people came up and about a hundred kids got out . We took the next elevator down . I met Zack at four o ' clock . We went to our rooms and changed . I wanted to be in something a bit fancy , for dinner . We were going to go to dinner at a restaurant that Margaret recommended . When we arrived we met the director of the symposium . He was elated to see Zack and made a big thing of telling me how Zack saved his hide by agreeing to do the Question / Answer session on Thursday . We had a very enjoyable dinner . They wanted us to join them at a party they were going to , but I looked at Zack and I knew that he wanted to be with me , not going to a party . He wanted to be with me alone . This is what I also wanted . We left them and we walked , hand in hand all over downtown St . Louis . I felt so comfortable being with Zack . I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him . That is … if he really wanted me . We walked until around eleven o ' clock and then returned to the hotel . We got into an extremely crowded elevator . When we got to the seventh floor , Zack forced his way out with me in his wake . We got onto the floor and we walked down the hall to my room . When we got to my room we stopped . Zack took me in his arms and held me close . I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me and kissed him . I forced my tongue into his mouth and he opened his mouth and sucked it . He caressed my tongue with his and loved it . After a lifetime our kiss broke . I looked into his eyes and made a decision . I wanted Zack , I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him . I never wanted to be without him . I wanted Zack and I wanted him forever . I didn 't say anything , but I knew in my heart that this was want I wanted . To have him forever , to have him as mine and to be his . I turned and put the key card in the door and I turned the knob . I swung the door open and taking his hand in mine , walked in . I didn 't turn on the light . The moonlight and the lights from the city gave the room a golden glow . Zack quietly closed the door . I turned toward him and he came into my arms . I held him tight and he kissed me , open - mouthed with our tongues snaking in and out , sliding against each other … loving . I felt his erect penis pressing into me and it excited me . I began to undo the buttons on his shirt . I felt his hands slide all over my back and down to my rear . He softly caressed my ass and then pulled the zipper of my skirt down . He pushed the skirt over my hips and it fell to the ground . I slipped his shirt off his shoulders . I was kissing his neck and shoulder as I ran my hands over his muscular chest . It was so hard and smooth beneath his t - shirt and I felt a growing excitement in my body . But now I was reveling in the excitement , allowing these feelings to grow and flourish . And they did as Zack slowly undressed me . He was so slow and gentle as he removed my blouse and kissed my shoulders . He unbuckled his belt , unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and they fell to the floor . I took the bottom of his t - shirt and pulled it up and over his head , it joined the other clothes on the floor . In the dark I noticed a flash of silver and saw the silly charm , the glasses that I have given him after his graduation ceremony . He smiled at me and said , " It hasn 't been off of me since I put it on the day you gave it to me . I will never take it off . I will take to my grave . " I grabbed him in my arms and put my head against his chest . He held me tightly . " Oh Zack , I love you so much . I love you . " I looked up into his eyes and he lowered his face and our lips met . He kissed me , soft and lovingly . I felt a warmth like nothing I ever felt before flow through my body . I was so sure … so sure about everything . I knew in my heart that I was and would be happy . I back stepped to the edge of the bed holding his hands , pulling him with me . When I got to the bed , I sat and then lay back on it . He just stood there looking at me . He was breathing deeply and just looking at me . He came to me , in what seemed like slow motion . Everything seemed to move so slowly . Nothing was rushed . He came into my arms and I wrapped them around him . We kissed forever , holding our bodies together , pressing against the other . I had never before been so close to anyone . I was practically naked , with an almost naked man in my arms and it felt so right . I wasn 't with just any man , I was with Zack , I was with the man I loved and the man who loved me . It was right . |
I don 't actually remember very much from my early childhood . Most of my memories start with kindergarten and school years . There are stories I was told about my early years . For example , my mother took me to a playground once when I was around two and let me play in the sandbox . Suddenly she looked up , and I was playing with a large kitchen fork ; I had apparently uncovered it in the sand . It was a good quality fork . She took it home and kept it in her kitchen , and it is still in my kitchen today . She told me that once a boy I was playing with hauled off and hit me in the nose with a rock . She always said that was the reason the bridge of my nose is wide - he altered it . But I don 't really remember these events myself . My mother was one of four children . Her older sister Lorraine was born in 1914 ; Bill followed in 1916 . My mother Marjorie was born in 1920 , and her baby brother Dick was born in 1926 . Lorraine married at the age of 18 and had her first child , Marjorie , named for my mother , one year later in 1933 . Soon after , Lorraine had a second child , Mike . Margie and Mike were the pre - war cousins . Bill , as it turns out , was the same age as my father ; in high school they were good friends . In fact , the story goes that Bill repeatedly warned his friend John against dating , then marrying , his sister . The advice went unheeded . My parents got married in September 1941 ; Bill and his wife Elinor married three months later , in December . My aunt Elinor was exactly six months older than my mother . When the United States entered World War II after the bombing of Pearl Harbor , my father enlisted in the Navy and Bill in the Army . Elinor , who was a nurse , wanted to join the Army also . At first , she was turned down ; the Army did not want married women . But when casualties started mounting and they needed trained medical people to treat the returning wounded , she was accepted . She continued to serve until Bill returned to the States after V - J Day . My father , too , returned to California after the Japanese surrender . In June of 1946 , Bill and Elinor had their first child , a daughter named Janice . Three months later , in August , I was born . Family legend has it that Janice was born three months before I was because her father returned from the war three months earlier than my father . There is probably some truth in that . Anyway , Janice and I were the first post - war cousins . Our cousin Margie was thirteen years older , already a young woman and almost a generation older . The family story is that when I was about eighteen months old , starting potty - training but not there yet , my parents went with me to visit Lorraine and her family . One evening , there was lots of excitement . Margie was rushing around getting ready to go out with friends , and I was probably feeling a little neglected . Who knows what goes on in the mind of a toddler ? Anyway , Margie went to put on her shoes and found that I had left something in them : I had pooped in her shoe . Margie was , understandably , horrified . She shrieked . My mother and Lorraine , both in possession of a really good but weird sense of humor , were sympathetic but probably trying hard not to laugh . I don 't really know . I was too young to grasp any nuances in adult behavior . My cousin Margie , like her mother , married young - she wasn 't yet eighteen - and began having children right away . Over the years , she and her husband , my cousin Jim , had four boys and then , finally , a girl . Margie was a giving , caring , cheerful , musically talented and wonderfully thoughtful person . She had many , many friends . In early 2007 , we learned that she was very ill . The reports came fitfully : first she had some unknown problem , then it was a form of cancer , then it was cancer throughout her body . Over the course of about three weeks , her prognosis became grim . My aunt Elinor , my cousin Janice , who many years ago had changed her name to Erica , and I decided we needed to visit Margie while she was still around . So on a lovely March day , we drove out to Riverside . As soon as I saw Margie , I knew that she didn 't have much longer to live . I had been with my father in his final hours , and the signs were the same . Two of her sons were there with their wives . A call had gone out to other family members to come to see her . I don 't know if they realized how near to death she was . Erica and I encouraged them to enlist the services of Hospice . While family members talked and reminisced , Margie , on her hospital bed in the living room , was withdrawing into herself . She was beyond chatting or responding . Then the time came for Erica , Elinor , and I to leave . Elinor and Erica hugged Margie and told her they loved her and then walked outside to join the rest of the family . I walked up to Margie . I leaned over and told Margie how much I loved her , how many people loved her . Suddenly , she looked directly at me and in a very clear voice said , " You pooped in my shoe ! " For a second or two , I was speechless . Then I told her she was right but that I didn 't mean it ; I didn 't know what I was doing . I gave her a kiss and left . When I got outside , I related to the family what she had said . Her husband Jim roared with laughter , and everyone shared in the humor . Erica , Elinor , and I drove home . We had a phone call later that same evening telling us that Margie had died . Later , when I thought about it , and even now , I am astounded . The human brain is a wondrous thing . Margie , in saying that , told me that even though she was dying , she knew exactly who I was ; in a way , she was telling me I was special . She provided a bit of levity to a very sad gathering . And I am still mystified that her brain could pull up that story at that time . Ace and I had been married less than a month when his mother 's health got worse . Grace had strongly disapproved of me 25 years before . She didn 't change her mind over the years . When she was in her 70 's she came to Calif . From Illinois to get a face lift . Her Doctor was in Beverly Hills , which she couldn 't change , but she refused to take an apartment in Beverly Hills , because that was my name . Needless to say we didn 't tell her when we married . She died 2 or 3 years later . Never having known . Ace was an only child . His father was dead . There was no question , Ace had to go back to Illinois to take care of his mother . Johns heart cauterization had turned out well . For the first time in his life he was allowed to carry on all normal activities including gym class . Before our honeymoon I had never been farther north on Highway 101 than Rufugio State Beach . I thought this would be a great time to retrace our honeymoon trip with the kids . Ace thought I should have someone else who could drive in case of emergency . To keep Ace happy I asked Betsy Baker who was 19 and had a driver 's license to join us . She was one of 11 kids and her folks were happy to send her along . ( This was a family wanted a Bakers dozen ( 13 - 2 adults , 11 kids ) and could afford the 11 kids . Both were college graduates and he had made a small fortune inventing things used in the space industry . ) So Betsy , John who was 16 , Ann 12 , and Barbara 10 and I headed North in our VW camper . We didn 't spend any nights in Malibu - too expensive ! I planned to have us stay at the Miramar in Santa Barbara . As we went through Ventura the kids wanted to show Betsy the " island " . We had had several fun filled Girl Scout camping trips there . It isn 't really an island but it seemed like it was . It is adjacent to the County Fair grounds , just North of it . At high tide the only way to get the cars , which are parked on the fairground side is over a railroad bridge . The North side has a fair size rive cutting off access . There are several trees , but no tables or rest rooms , so it is primitive camping . We waded over to the island , looking for a small sea horses that we usually found there and keeping our eyes out for interesting seashells . Then we saw the pelican . It just stood there , looking sad . It was skinny and bedraggled looking . When we walked up to it , it made no effort to walk away . We soon discovered that someone had tied a cord around it 's neck , making it impossible for it to swallow . It was starving to death . We cut the cord and holding it in my arms I waded out into the ocean to let him get wet and see if he wouldn 't drink some water . ( I learned later pelicans don 't drink water - they get the fluid they need from the fish they eat . ) I dipped it 's beak in the water , lifted it 's head and stroked it 's neck . It seemed to swallow some , but maybe a little didn 't hurt it . Holding the pelican we waded back to the car . Betsy sat in the front passenger seat holding the pelican . We got some wild looks from pedestrians and other cars as we went in search of a fish store and a public phone , where I hoped to find some kid of listing for a bird rescue place . We found the fish store first , where we bought some medium size whole fish . I showed Betsy how to lift the birds beak up , put a fish in in mouth and message its neck to get it to swallow . So now we drove along with her feeding fish to the pelican while people gawked . We finally found a phone , but had a lot of trouble finding the bird rescThe kids loved the Miramar . The sand cleaned up some from the oil spill , but even so I soon got adept at removing tar . There were tennis courts , swimming pools , a train to eat in , free popcorn , shuffle board and a small minature golf course . We found out we could rent a small cottage for only $ 35 to $ 45 a night and later had some wonderful birthday parties there . On we went to Cambria . Heading North on Highway 1 we came to a place called Morro Bay , and just as Ace and I had done we drove in , looked at the rock , read the historical information and headed out . We didn 't think much of the town . There was nothing to do there . We all had fun in Cambria . We stayed in the last motel North of town . The desk clerk stall remembered me from the honeymoon . They also had a miniature golf course and it was just a short walk to moonstone beach where the kids all found small moonstones . The only thing of real interest on the main drag was the Tin Soldier Store . They enjoyed the big battle scenes in the back room . After a dinner in the smorgasbord restaurant across 1 at the north end of town , we were tired enough we went back to the motal to get ready to take off for Big Sur the next day . We loved the Big Sur area and spent several days in a cheap motel whose cabins were just below Highway 1 . We had to drive up the hill to get to the highway and as we pulled out we pulled right into the scene of a traffic accident . It was apparent that the woman who left shortly before us was hit by another car as she entered the highway . Everyone was just standing around looking and doing nothing . I parked the camper and got out . The motel was located on a straight short stretch of the road , with blind curves on each side . The worst wrecked car was blocking one lane with the drive still inside moaning . It was her side that had been hit . I sent Betsy to the down hill side and John to the uphill side to direct traffic . Then I headed for the woman to see how badly she was hurt . It was still amazing me that all the other people were just standing around looking and making no effort to help . The over weight woman probably in her late 50 's was hyper ventilating and complaining of her hip and back . From the damage to the car , it was conceivable she might have broken her back . She was jammed against the steering wheel . She was sure she was dying . The car windows were open and I reached in and took her pulse , double checked it on her neck . I timed her pulse rate ( with John 's heart condition , I was an old hand at this . ) I assured her that she had a good strong pulse and she was doing great and wasn 't going to die . I lied a little . Her pulse was racing and irregular , but the minute I assured her she was going to live , it started slowing down , and quit hyper ventilating . One of the things I realized when I first got the car was her little dog , a chihuahua 's left rear paw was being pinched by a crease in the body of the car . It was hanging upside down right next to the back window . It 's eyes were open , but it wasn 't moving or making a sound . I just prayed it would stay that way . I didn 't want anything upsetting the woman whose hand I held , while she continued to calm down . By this time a few people began to come over and peer into the car . Then two guys came over talking about pulling the dent out , and before I realized what they planned , they had readed in and were trying to free the dog . The dog started screaming in pain and the woman 's pulse went crazy . They couldn 't get the dog loose . About this time two rangers arrived and took over . It was probably 15 minutes after the accident , maybe more . I headed down hill to take over for Betsy who had indicated she needed a break . The two kids had been doing a good job . I found myself very pleased to find out how nice drivers are . They couldn 't see the accident , but when they saw me standing in the road with my arm up , they stopped . Meanwhile John was letting a string of cars through . I walked up to the bend so I could see John 's signal and then I 'd have my cars move to the other side of the road and send them through . We had no uniforms , we were nobodies , but everyone followed our directions . Over a half hour had passed before more rangers showed up to take over for us . We soon left Big Sur , headed for Monterey and then home . . When we were first married Easter Sunday meant going down to my in - laws house for a family Easter dinner . My husband 's sister , her husband & their son and Bud and I would all go down to Bud 's parents home for the special dinner . Some years Bud 's other sister and ; her husband would drive down from Fresno to join us - and sometimes Bud 's Aunt and her daughter would join us as well . It was a big family dinner party . My one memory of those days was that our nephew who was about 9 wouldn 't eat ham , so there always had to be another meat at the table for him . This totally amazed me , as I 'd always been told to eat what was served - no questions asked . But I guess Grandma wanted to spoil him , so he always had something special . As the years progressed and our children were born and reached the age of Easter egg hunts , we 'd color eggs and hide them out in our huge back yard . They 'd start out with empty baskets and run to spot the eggs before the other one did . We had a boy and a girl - 2 yrs & 4 months apart . One year after the kids were in bed , Bud took out a dozen eggs and hide them under plants , flower bushes etc - low down so they could easily spot them . He went outside with the kids and I 'd hear him saying - " Did you look over here ? " - " Did you look over there ? " All of a sudden he came running in the house and grabbed all the colored eggs I had left in the baskets and went running outside with his pockets full of eggs . I 'd see him send the kids to one side of the yard and he 'd drop an egg under a tree and then say " Oh I spot one ! " and they 'd come running . What had happened was our Norwegian Elk Hound Dog had feasted all night long and eaten all the eggs we put out - so Bud was making a quick cover up - dropping eggs - kicking the dog to get away and calling the kids . It was quite a sight . The kids were too young to realize the eggs they found that the Easter Bunny left outside were the Easter eggs from their baskets - as they had chocolate bunnies etc . and I was quick to refill their baskets . Our trick worked - the dog ( Inga ) was in big trouble . The next year we got smart and hid all the eggs up in the trees - where the branches came together . We 'd fool Inga this year . Well in the middle of the night it started to pour rain - so when the kids got up to go outside we had trees with all sorts of colors running down their trunks - and white eggs waiting to be discovered - which wasn 't much of a challenge - just follow the colored tree and you 'd find an egg . By this time we 'd invited some neighbors kids down to join in the hunts - so it was more like 3 dozen eggs out there . Despite the bad weather one or two years - we had the egg hunt for years . My kids left for school before I left for work , so I was usually in the bathroom putting my makeup on and they 'd come in and kiss me good - bye . This one morning Gary ( our son ) said I left a letter for you on the kitchen table Mom . Well that was unusual - but I said O . K . - hoping it wasn 't something from a teacher where he was in trouble . They went off to school - I came out and on the kitchen table was a letter - " To Mom " - Teri ( that was our daughter ) and I know there is no Easter bunny - we 've know a long time . Would you kindly leave some money so we can walk over to Sav - on 's after school and buy the kind of Easter candy that we like ! " Love , Gary and Teri . Sav - on 's was about 3 blocks from our house - having to cross a major intersection , but there was a signal there . So I left some money with the instructions to be careful crossing the street and to stay together . And to call me at work when they got home . They did exactly as they were told - they were so happy to get the candy they liked - not what I had been buying . So that was the end of the Easter Bunny at our house . They still enjoyed Easter Egg hunting in the back yard , but by this time we had added a Black Labrador to our family , so the trick was keeping 2 dogs from eating our bounty ! ! After church on Easter we tried to do something special . One year I remember we drove up to Solvang and walked the village and had a Danish dinner . All dressed in our fine duds - I wonder how I walked all day in those high heels . Well now fast forward to Grandchildren . One year our daughter and her husband wanted to go away for a week for their April Anniversary , so they brought their 2 kids down into the LA area . The other Grandparents had them the first of the week - I was to get them Thursday through Sunday ( which was Easter ) . When the other Grandpa delivered them to me - his comments were - " Well good luck - we 've been sick all week ! " . Encouraging introduction ! ! I was working in Glendale at the time and went down to the Cuban bakery to get some of their meat pies for Easter lunch and was going to make a spaghetti salad - had a nice menu planned . By Saturday my husband was sick - bad flu ! The kids were much better . They were like 2 and 5 . Bud was laying out on the chaise lounge on our deck as the weather was warm . He was doing better by Sunday , when it hit me hard . I tried to get John outside to hunt for Easter eggs - I had only hid a few on the deck - above the dog area . I felt just awful and kept running back into the house to the bathroom - to do " my thing " . Finally I came outside and here is John with an empty basket and I started saying - " did you look here ? " - didn 't work . Finally he handed me the basket and said - " This is dumb ! ! " I said O . K . with me - and went and laid back down on the couch . About noon our daughter and husband arrived . Bud 's outside on the lounge - I 'm in the living room moaning on the couch and daughter Teri says - " What 's wrong ? " I explained the kids came down sick and were kind enough to pass it on to Bud and I . She asked me where Candy was - I told her in the Den destroying our telephone ! At that point I could have cared less about the phone . She went in and got her and said , " Mom - she in her warm jammies - it 's almost 100 degrees outside . My comment was that I hadn 't noticed and I was sorry - but this had not been a good day . So they packed up their kids - together with the meat pies I had purchased and headed out . Bud and I spenWell we 've had many pleasant Easters since those years , but it 's fun looking back . Life seems much simpler when you get old - go to church , make something to contribute to the dinner you 've been invited to , eat , enjoy the company and then go home and rest . Praise the Lord for Easter and all my Easter memories . As I walked to the plane , I was going back over the details of how I had managed to let myself get talked into this . At 83 years old , I should have known better . What was I doing here ? I was afraid of flying and afraid of heights . I hated roller coasters . If my kids knew they 'd probably say " don 't " . I was the first in the plane , and couldn 't even figure out where to sit . There were no seats , much less a bathroom or drinking fountain . The old retired United Parcel plane was just an empty shell inside , except for a couple of long things that might be called benches . As my instructor came in he told me to sit straddle legged on the bench . Lloyd my 80 year old retired psychiatrist friend and his instructor were next . I tried to tell myself that if he wasn 't scared , then I shouldn 't be . But I was ! Then came Shelly Anderson . This was all her fault . Shelly had been a friend for years . She was also my massage therapist . When I saw her last February she was bubbling over with excitement and delight . She had just been sky diving for the first time ! As she described the thrill of it , I made the mistake of say , " It sounds like fun " . A few weeks later she had called wanting me to set a date . I had the presence of mind to ask her about the altitude . When she told me 12 , 000 feet , I explained that with my troubles breathing at 4 , 000 feet altitude , my doctor would never approve . I had assumed that was the end of it . Then on a Wednesday night in July she called to tell me that my friends Kathy and Stan Carr and Sharon and Lloyd were going tomorrow to jump and that she had arranged for oxygen for me in the plane . My excuse was gone . I figured I could gain courage from my friends , especially Stan and Kathy , although I did wonder about Stan 's hurt knee . It wasn 't until the next morning after I got in the van , that I found out it would only be Lloyd and I jumping . When we got to the hanger in Lompoc , we had to fill out a long legal form that needed to be initialed every 2 or 3 lines . I carefully read it hoping to find a loop hole to get me out of this . Ah , at last , I found on page 3 , " I have told my doctor I am going to do this and my doctor approves " . " Hey , Shelly I called out I can 't initial this . I haven 't told my doctor and I won 't lie " . Shelly called out to Lloyd our psychiatrist friend - " Hey Lloyd is it okay if Bev jumps ? " Lloyd said " Sure " and my last excuse was gone . As the plane lifted off I was thinking that if this killed me , at least I had lived an interesting and full life . And , if I didn 't make it , it would be an interesting way to go . Although I hated flying I decided I might as well enjoy the view and look out at the beautiful Lompoc flower fields . The instructor hooked us both together and instructed me to tuck my legs back when he told me to and to keep my hands hooks in the straps . We had been the first in and we would be the last out . The wind poured in when they opened the doors . I watched the others go . Then it was our turn . I tucked my legs under as told . He leaned over . I have enough trouble with balance on land . When he leaned over I thought I was going to fall flat on y face inside the plane and instinctively put my feet down . I tucked them under as he straightened up , but could not stop the instinct when he leaned over again . He finally had to give me a big shove to get out the door , and then I could tuck my feet under . The free fall was only supposed to last a minute . When I finally got up the nerve to open my eyes , I was face down with the earth rushing up to meet me . I closed them again and started counting to 60 . I got to 30 seconds and figured it should be over , but it seemed to take forever for the parachute to gently open and slow us down . The instructor had asked me several times on the way down if I was okay . I just nodded my head yes and was amazed I could hear him . Then as we floated gently down I enjoyed the flower fields and the colorful parachutes below us . Yes , I did it once and will never do it again . I felt good having done it , to know I had conquered my fear . There was another added benefit . My husband died 8 years ago . This was the first time in 8 years I had sat in a man 's lap . A friend asked if I had screamed on the way down and I told her , " No , I was afraid my dentures would fall out . " Yes I did it once and will PROBABLY never do it again ! ! How do we know when we want to retire ? What do we want to do - a whole lot of things or little bits of nothing ? After all those years with the Red Cross and a 24 / 7 ' life on the road ' , it was bound to be a big change . Yet - we are not always as ready for it as we think . I considered my first attempt at retirement to be a ' bust ' . Oh yes - like many people , I had all kinds of plans to set up my own consulting business . But it turned out to be more complicated than expected . So I ended up managing a ' Super Cuts ' hair styling salon - what was I thinking ? Did I want to return to a 24 / 7 life again ? It took a while to realize it but one morning I woke up and decided it was time for a new chapter in my life . Once that decision was made , so many things happened so quickly it was hard to keep up with everything . The condo in San Mateo , California sold after only 4 days on the market and escrow closed 21 days later . And it was a challenge to move after 20 years in one place but it is fun to ' let things go ' and make a fresh start . One of my dreams had been to travel to new places . So the next 6 months was spent doing just that and loving every minute . In addition to longer visits with family , there were explorations with long term friends in different parts of the country . Even more important were overseas trips to Europe and the Far East . It was wonderful to visit Abbey in Japan and not worry about time - you can see a lot more places when there is no time limit ! And it was possible - at last - to visit England and Scotland . With my love of history , this was like a ' dream come true ' - all those castles , museums , and historical places . And the bonus was being able to look up my grandparent 's home in a village near Glasgow , Scotland ! Of course , no one can keep traveling forever - and it was time to find my new home in San Luis Obispo , California . But there was no need to rush a decision ; there was time to explore and decide the best place to live . So the next 2 months were spent living in the village of Cayucos and exploring each of the 15 towns in the County . Each of these communities has its own unique ' personality ' and it was fun learning what each had to offer . That process also helped me refine what features were most important to me . This second attempt at retirement is proving far more successful . It is refreshing to live in a condominium complex with lots of students / faculty from local colleges . This area has an outstanding climate and has plenty of warm weather ; how great it is to be no more than 5 miles from the Pacific Ocean ! It is a great place to live with plenty of friendly people and lots of cultural activities . And it is even easier to travel to new places - the Amtrak Station is only 10 miles away - and you can go wherever you want . Last summer included a 7000 mile trip around the United States by Amtrak - one of many adventures for this new chapter in my life . Check out the new self publishing page by Dick Griffin . Dick is our new webmaster and is our point person for putting your story all together . If you have questions or ideas , let us know . We signed him up for music lessons and soon he was in the school orchestra . He enjoyed this musical diversion and took his part in the school orchestra quite seriously . At the end of the year they would put on a concert for all the parents to hear how they had or hadn 't progressed - the big event of the end of the school year . By the time Gary was in the 6th grade ( last year of grade school ) he was feeling pretty confident and smart about his newly acquired talent . This particular year they decided to bring the 6 or 7 grade schools in our general area together to play a BIG concert ! It was going to be played in the auditorium of San Fernando High School on a Friday night . The morning of the concert my son reminded me at breakfast that he needed oil for his trombone slide - it was sticking and he needed the oil so it would be in perfect condition for the concert . I assured him I would run out at lunch - up to the music store in San Fernando and get the trombone oil . As fate would have it , I had one of my busiest days in escrow ever ! ! I had customers lined up outside my door all day long - I was lucky to get a " potty " break - no lunch - worked right through it . I was rushing so that I 'd be home in time to leave for the BIG concert . I came rushing in the back door and first thing Gary asked me for his trombone oil - BAM - it hit me , I had forgotten the darn oil ! ! ! I apologized all over the place , trying to explain what a busy day I 'd had etc etc . , but kids just don 't want to hear excuses . He was mad - " How could you forget , Mom ? ? " My husband spoke up and said he had something that would work - so he goes in and brings out some silicone spray . He sprayed the slide - worked it up and down a few times and it was working great . Gary was happy again - his Dad was the " hero " and Mom was part way out of the dog house . We had to rush out for him to get the bus to ride with the rest of the kids up to San Fernando High School . In our car was husband and me , my Mom ( who was visiting from Seattle ) and our daughter . We got up to the high school and entered the auditorium and it was huge - compared to what we had been used to for our own school concerts . They had like an orchestra pit on the floor for all the strings and then on the stage they had various risers for the students to sit on - so all could be seen . There was probably at least 60 or more kids that were going to play together - and this was big time excitement for them . The Band Master from San Fernando High School was conducting . We took our seats - were given very nice programs with all the students names printed in them - each under their particular schools name . Listed under Canterbury Grade School was Gary Palmer , as 1st trombone . We were all so proud . The time came for the kids to march in and it was spectacular - all they boys in white shirts , dark pants & ties and the girls in white blouses & dark skirts . They filed in according to the seating arrangements , so the trombones being on the very top tier of the stands came in first , the trumpets were next - the percussion section was set over to the side of the stage - on solid ground . The last to enter of course were the violins that were way down on the floor level circled around the conductor . Looking back there must have been at least 4 rows up on the stage and probably another 4 rows down below . The way they had it arranged you could see each and every player as the auditorium sloped up - giving us all a wonderful view . Musicians in place - the Conductor came out to a round of applause - time for the show to begin . He picked up his baton and hit it against his music stand , which was a clue for the musicians to bring up their instruments to starting position for their first song which was to be Battle Hymn of the Republic ! Unfortunately the starting position for trombone for that song was with the slide all the way out . It happened so fast I don 't think anybody realized at first what had happened . BUT - in getting into first position Gary 's slide from his trombone went flying out into mid air - bounced down all the tiers of the stage and past the percussion and ended up in the violin section . The conductor put his baton down and motioned to Gary to come and retrieve his slide . I remember my Mother holding her program over her face and saying " That isn 't Gary is it ? ? ? " There was snickering all around us as we tried not to be embarrassed . I wanted to cry - it was all my fault - that damn oil that I had forgotten - curses on Mom ! ! Gary made his way dBy the way , when he entered Jr . High School he gave up the trombone for football . And , as a post script that mouthpiece of the trombone pressing on his teeth had pushed his teeth back , just like the dentist had said it would . |
Blackbirds show and tell for this week is to show your favorite chocolate bar . I know this isn 't exactly a chocolate bar , but it is chocolate . I love these little eggs , they only come out at Easter time , thankfully . I usually don 't buy them until it is almost Easter because I tend to eat them . Tayler is having a slumber party for her 10th birthday this weekend , and she wanted these candy eggs to stuff into the plastic eggs we bought for the goody bags . We stuffed them last night , that is why the bag is almost empty . I managed to stuff the plastic eggs with out eating one of the candy eggs , big success for me , sadly . this will be the only candy in the gift bags , one plastic egg with some chocolate in it . I didn 't want to put any candy in the bags at all but I relented . I have four crafts planned and the girls can put those in their bags . One of the crafts is decorating the bags itself . I also bought pencils , erasers , lip gloss , princess soap bars and a take home craft to put in each bag . Much better than a sack full of crap that my kids usually bring home . I have also farmed out all of the boys and Elyse will spend the evening at the sitters ( home for bed ) so it will be girls only , except for Dave of course , he will be busy running out for pizza and Krispy Kreme 's and cleaning up behind us . In addition to crafts we have games , nail polish , hair stuff , DVD 's and a kareoke machine ready to go . I am sure the girls won 't get to it all , but they shouldn 't run out of things to do . It should be a fun evening , good thing I have insomnia , there will probably be very little sleep . I hate Wal Mart , yes I really do . Not just for the PC reasons that seem so popular , but because it is always so crowded and dirty in all of the Wal Marts I have been inside of . And I can never find what I am looking for and if by chance I do find someone wearing one of this blue vests , they never know what I am talking about or they send me off in the wrong direction . So I avoid Wal Mart as much as possible . I needed some things very badly and I was right next to a Wal Mart so I decided to go there instead of heading off to my usual Target , which is a place I like much better . I drive a large carso I usually park way on the back of the parking lot off by myself so I have plenty of room to get the kids in and out of the car and I don 't have to worry about door dings . Parking spaces at Wal Mart are teeny tiny and there is hardly any room to maneuver when pulling in or out of a parking space . Can you see where this is going ? Today I saw a parking space fairly close to the door , and since there was rain , and I was in a hurry I pulled into it . After buying what I needed and putting the kids into their car seats , I was walking around the back of the car and I noticed that someone had obviously backed out of a space and had HIT my car . Argh ! ! ! It could be worse , it isn 't too noticeable , but every time I see those marks and dents on my car I will remember that not only did I get them at Wal Mart , but my laziness also played a part in it . It was also so nice of the honest upstanding citizen ( or not ) that hit me to leave a note and their insurance information on the windshield - NOT . It 's raining today , it is supposed to rain off and on all day . A good day to hole up and make some chilli and corn bread , good ' ole comfort food . I slept better last night , about five hours of almost solid sleep . I feel more rested today . Yesterday was a tough day . After hardly sleeping the night before , I noticed Elyse had a cold . She hasn 't been sick in months , none of the kids have . She had a runny nose and just didn 't feel well . She insisted on being held most the day . I hope it doesn 't turn into anything worse because I don 't want to make another trip to the doctors office with her . So , come 3 : 30 when the big kids got home from school , they wanted a snack , I just wasn 't capable of getting them one at that time . I was trying to console Elyse , help Jeff with his homework and build a lego castle with Christopher . I told Scott and Tayler to go ahead and make their own snacks , at their age they are perfectly capable of doing that . I was thinking crackers and fruit , but they went all out and made another lunch . Needless to say they weren 't very hungry by dinner time . I could hear them in the kitchen laughing and having a good time so I didn 't bother to check on them . Below is their creations and the pictures that they took . After watching me take pictures of our food lately to share on my blog , they wanted to be sure that I blogged their creations too , so here it is : Tayler made this strange creation . Peanut butter and jelly sandwich with cheerios on top and soy cheese on the side with lemonade to drink . Can we all say eewwwww ! ! ! Scott made Mr . Sandwich , pickles for eyes and a nose and some kind of veggie meat for the tongue . He had garlic bagel chips , which are really good , and spinach dip that I made with veganaise . It turned out pretty good . Now for Christophers lunch yesterday . He too insisted that I take a picture of it . Christopher has had a bad case of exsema for a long time . He gets these large sores on his arms and legs that he scratches to death and they won 't heal . I am not new to exsema , all of the kids havposted by Cee at 7 : 59 AM I had another sleepless and restless night . Why can 't I sleep like normal people do ? ! I went to bed at 11 : 00 p . m . , right after Desperate Housewives and Grey 's Anatomy , two of the shows I wait for every week . We do have a t . v . in our bedroom but I made sure to watch it on the living room t . v . to keep the bedroom a refuge for sleep . It almost worked . I went to sleep quickly but I was awake again by 1 : 00 a . m . I did everything I could think of to get back to sleep . I laid very still in the dark thinking good thoughts , I read , I watched t . v . I then got up and did laundry since I was awake anyway . The hours passed slowly and quickly at the same time , 2 : 00 , 3 : 00 , 4 : 00 a . m . , came and went . I was frustrated , mad and exhausted . By 5 : 00 a . m . I was in tears and finally found sleep , for 10 minutes then I woke with a start . 6 : 00 a . m . , I dozed off again for 15 minutes and then it was over . I had to get up and start my day . I have read articles about this and I have taken all of the advice given . I don 't eat or drink hours before bed time , I don 't exercise before bed , I have tried taking a warm shower , drinking sleep inducing tea and I have made my bedroom as dark as possible and a refuge for sleep etc . I have tried over the counter sleep inducing drugs , but their effectiveness is no match againts my racing mind and they leave me feeling groggy the next day . I was very close to trying Ambien when the reports came out about people sleep eating while taking it . I could live with sleep walking , driving or shopping but not sleep eating . I eat enough when I was awake . So that was out . I have been fighting this for years . I truly can 't think of a time after having kids that I had a good night of sleep . And who made up that saying * sleep like a baby * ? I am convinced that person did not have any babies or they would know that babies don 't sleep , at least my didn 't . It was probably the same person who wrote the book I read that advised that a babies pacifier should be taken away at three months of age to keep them from getting * addicted * tposted by Cee at 7 : 33 AM I set my alarm last night so I was up before the kids . I went and woke Jeff up and told him we were going to go to church today . I beat him to it this week . Church went suprisingly well this week . I took Elyse into her class and she did great . She sat in her chair and participated in everything . I hear Christopher did just as well . Maybe consistency is the answer . We didn 't stay for the main service , maybe next week . We came home and ate lunch and then Dave went to lay down with Christopher . Christopher has been so cranky and moody lately . I am getting to the end of my rope with his four year old attitude . He whines almost all the time , anything and everything seems to set him off . I assume he must be tired so I have been trying to get him to bed earlier . It isn 't working . So I decided that maybe he needs a nap . Dave fell asleep right away , Christopher slept very little . I took Elyse to my bed where we both fell asleep too . After naps the kids played in the back yard for hours . Since they dug up the stump they decided to build a treehouse . It kept them busy all afternoon . We had a simple dinner of vegetable quesadillas and simmered beans . I took Christopher shoe shopping yesterday and he picked out shoes with the Incredibles on them so he wanted to watch the Incredibles movie . We popped some pop corn and sipped lemonade and watched the movie until bed time . The Incredibles is one of my favorite Disney movies , I like it better every time I see it . ' So now here I sit blogging . I should be cleaning up the kitchen , finishing laundry and making a list for tomorrow . Yes , I make lists for the things I want to get done . I may never get to the bottom of that list but I feel like I have accomplished something when I can cross things off . It was a good day ! posted by Cee at 4 : 16 PM Do you have one ? You know , a picky poo . I have one and a half . Jeff is so picky it drives me to disrtaction . He turns his nose up to almost every dinner I make . His dislike turns Christopher againts the food too , but luckily , not every time . I had to have a talk with Jeff , he is not allowed to say ewwww , yuck or I don 't like that . Every time he would say that Christopher would figure that his big brother knew best and he would turn his nose up too . Jeff is allowed to say no thank you . He can then either go hungry , or eat a bowl of Life cereal or Cheerios . I don 't have it in me to fight about food or make it an issue . I am also not a short order cook . I do try to make a couple fo meals during the week that I know Jeff will eat , he can 't exist on cereal alone . So earlier in the week , I thought we would do something fun . I made a * make your own pizza bar * . It was a H - U - G - E hit . The whole family loved it and the pizza was very tastey . This is definitely something we will do again sometime . I started by making the dough myself . I used to use english muffins but no one really liked them like that , including me . I set out a variety of toppings . Mushrooms , green onion , pineapple , bell pepper , soy sausage patty chopped up , sauce and soy cheese . The kids had a great time topping their own pizzas with what they wanted . This is when it is great to have older kids that can help the younger kids . Jeff and Christophers topped pizzas . Waiting to go in the oven . They aren 't exactly round , I let the kids roll them out themselves and this is how they came out . The square shape didn 't interfere with the taste at all . Boys waiting in anticipation . I didn 't get any pictures of the finished products . They were eaten up too fast . We also had salad and apple slices with vanilla yogurt for dipping . Of course Jeff turned his nose up to the salad . Show and tell this week with Blackbird is window 's ( I am getting closer to figuring out the link thing so maybe next week I can link her site ) . We are supposed to show a window or windows of our house . I was going to sit this one out . You see , the windows of this house are old and ugly and I hate them . I didn 't want to show them because they are so bad and quite frankly embarrassing . I was doing the breakfast dishes this morning and looking out the window thinking of what I could do to participate too . That 's when it hit me . Since I think outside of the box , heck I am way outside of the box , I thought I would show a view of what I see out of my window . The picture below is what I see when I wash the dishes three times a day . In the spring , around this time of year I plant some flowers in the flower bed so I can look at them and watch them grow . It gives me something nice to focus on . Right now , you can see our yard clipping dumpster and the old washer sitting there . Nice view , huh ? I thought about going out there and moving the dumpster so it wouldn 't show up in the picture , I also thought about moving the camera so the washer wouldn 't be in the picture , but I wanted it to be an honest view . You can also see how close the house next door is to us , way to close in my opinion . Actually , compared to how they are building houses around here lately it is a nice space . This is it . This is what I see when I look out the window when I do dishes three times a day . Pretty awful huh ! ? ! If you look at the bottom of the picture you can see where Christopher tried to poke his finger through the screen . This is what I would like to see out the kitchen window or any window of a house that we live in . Maybe soon , we are working for it . This morning I took Elyse to the doctors office for her two year check up . Elyse hates going to the doctor , I mean she H - A - T - E - S going to the doctor . She has always hated it when the doctor tries to touch her or even be in the same room with her . It all started the second she was born and the doctor pulled her from my body two weeks early . My pregnancy with her was not an easy pregnancy , and because of distress she was evicted . She wasn 't ready to come out of the dark and warm place that she had called home for almost nine months and it was the doctors fault that she was no longer there and she let everyone know of her objections at the top of her lungs . At least that is what I imagine her animosity with doctors must be . Every time , and I do mean every time I have taken her to the doctor she screams bloody murder the whole time we are there . Luckily she is very healthy . She has never been to the doctor for a sick visit , only for well checks . Not a bad track record for two years . ( knock wood ( ! ) ) . So , today was her two year well check . I knew it would be bad , I knew it was going to be humiliating and embarrassing for me . The four older kids have always been so good and cooperative with the doctor . I always felt so proud that I didn 't have one of * those * children . Well guess what , I pushed my luck with number five . We walked in , I signed in and Elyse was perfectly happy , she picked out books we could read and played with another little boy her age in the play room . It was fun watching her interact with a kid her age . Since she is home with me all day I really only see her interact with the older kids and their friends , she doesn 't have any friends of her own yet . It made me think about giving a play group another chance , you know to socialize her a bit . Then the nurse opened the big door and called her name . I got up and walked toward the door and called her to come with me . She looked at me and said uh - uh and started backing up . I went to go pick her up and she threw herself on the ground yelling no - no - no - no - no - no at t5 comments Jeff is losing teeth like crazy lately . He lost his bottom two baby teeth almost two years ago when he was in Kindergarten , then nothing . We waited and checked to see if his other teeth were loose yet . We consulted the dentist who assured us it was okay for him to lose his teeth late , it was actually better . Jeff was getting ansy , all of his classmates and friends were losing teeth everyday and he still had most of his baby teeth . Then finally , another one of his bottom teeth became loose then another . Then finally the top teeth started loosening up . This has all happened in the last month . He lost three more teeth on the top in the front . The latest one falling out one night last week around 8 : 00 , right before bed . Or should I say it was evicted by older brother Scott giving it a strong tug . He placed that little tiny tooth into a baggy and placed it under his pillow . The tooth fairy specifically asked that all baby teeth be placed into a baggy or else she has a hard time finding those microscopic teeth in the middle of the night in the dark . The next morning , I was showering before the kids were up and I suddenly remembered the tooth fairy . I didn 't remember hearing her in the middle of the night . As a mom I have radar ears that can wake me up if the tiniest cough is coughed somewhere deep in the house . I always hear the tooth fairy . Maybe she is running late I thought , maybe she will show up when I get out of the shower . Of course when I got out of the shower I had a million things to do and I forgot to listen for her . I went into Jeff 's room to wake him up and he was sitting up in his bed . Good morning Jeff , I said . The tooth fairy didn 't come Jeff answered , with all the sadness and drama he had in him . Oh no , I said . Thinking fast , searching for an excuse for the tooth fairy , I came up with the idea that maybe since he lost his tooth so late in the evening that maybe she had already left for her nightly work and his name had not been put on her list in time . He thought that sounded reasonable but he did mope fposted by Cee at 8 : 16 AM It is after 8 : 00 o ' clock on Sunday night . I still have three loads of laundry to do , a sink full of dishes to wash and lunches to make for tomorrow . But here I sit , blogging . I don 't wanna do the grown up things , I want to sit and watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition with the kids and Dave , but I can 't . Well I could , but I would still have all that stuff waiting for me and I would like to watch Desperate Housewifes later and get to bed at a decent hour . But here I sit , blogging . It was a good weekend , very low key . Tay had a sleep over at her friends last night and while the * men * were out doing their gender specific jobs of washing cars and doing yard work , Elyse and I stayed in the house doing our gender specific jobs . Watching Dora DVD 's , reading and eating grapes . I mean , cleaning the house , yes that 's it , we were scrubbing the floors . I did venture out to the grocery store to do the shopping for the entire week . Lately , I have been shopping day to day , I can 't even remember the last time my shopping cart was full of food and not kids . Shopping alone was pure bliss , I didn 't say a word the entire time I was gone . I didn 't even exchange niceties with the cashier , I just wanted to be quiet . I hope she didn 't think I was rude . Back to the * men * doing yard work . Remember my previous post a few days ago about the kids were trying to dig the stump out in the ugly corner of the backyard ( ? ) , well , to my surprise they got it dug out this afternoon . That stump had been there for years , and now that we are planning on moving , they dug it out . So now the ugly corner is , well , still ugly but now it has a giant crater in it . It may be even uglier now . But they worked hard and they are very proud of themselves . I am proud of them too , they were one determined crew of hard working * men * . My men . Early Saturday morning , around 8 : 00 a . m . , I was deep in a dream , involving Eric Estrada and David Hasselfoff ( weird , I know ) ( ! ) when I was rudely awaken by Jeff who was standing next to my bed asking me if we were going to go to church today . Of course , I responded . I really didn 't want to , but when the kids wake us up asking to go to church , then I take that as a sign that we should go to church . Lately our church attendance has been sporadic . Jeff misses church and wanted to be sure we went back this week . Don 't get me wrong , I enjoy church . It 's just that I don 't enjoy taking the kids to church . Trying to keep them all quiet during services is a nightmare . I have tried taking * quiet * toys for them to play with but in church quiet toys are never quiet . I have tried taking snacks but I end up on my hands and knees cleaning crumbs up off the floor after the service . So lately it has just been easier to skip the whole thing . At our church , before the service we have classes . Adult classes and kid 's classes . I have never been to an adult class . I moved straight from the youth class to the babies class with Scott and that is where I have been for the last 13 years , not with Scott , he has moved on . Normally , I go into the four year old class with Christopher and Dave goes into the toddler class with Elyse . It is a disaster for both of us . They won 't sit still or participate with the rest of the class . We leave exhausted and wonder why we attend in the first place . The older kids all enjoy their classes and have learned a lot so it is worth it . Today they were to have Childrens Church . That happens once a month . That is the week that I can sneak into grown up church and at least enjoy some of the music and hear part of the sermon without constant interruptions . Of course Childrens Church was cancelled today so right after the kids classes we bolted and came home . I wish there was an easier way . I really want my kids to grow up in the church . Of course some of the older generation think that we should take the kids into chposted by Cee at 8 : 42 PM Happy Saint Patricks Day ! I love Saint Patricks day , no , not because they serve green beer at the bars on St . Patricks Day but because there is no candy , stuffed animals or cards involved . It is just a day , a day to dress in green and have fun with . Scott is getting too old for the wearing of the green , or so he would like to think . He is wearing a green wrist band and a green bandana around his ankle to trick his friends . Teenagers , gotta love them . Right ? Tayler looks like a green bean . She is wearing green all the way down to her shoes . I am just thankful that she is well enough to return to school . She told me this morning they are not allowed to pinch in school , they can give a soft poke . Huh ! ? ! What 's the funs of Saint Patricks Day if you can 't give a good ' ole pinch . That 's what I told her , I hope she realizes I was kidding . I may be getting a call from the school . Jeff is one cool dude in his green T shirt and sunglasses . He was very excited about St . Patricks day and has had his shirt picked out for days . He is also wearing green socks . I hope he didn 't overhear me talking to Tay about the pinching . I will be sure to get a call about him . Elyse is one cool chic wearing Jeff 's sunglasses . Notice the half smile , we are getting there . After I got her dressed and she was around the other kids I realized her outfit is more of a aqua color than green . But aqua is a color of green , at least that is what I told the kids . Can we say cranky four year old who doesn 't want to participate in anything lately ? I had to force him to stand there so I could take his picture . He is driving me nuts lately , it 's just a phase , it 's just a phase , it 's just a phase . . . . The whole gang , right before I drove them to school . Can you tell I had some extra time so I could have a little fun with the camera this morning before school ? I don 't own a lot of green for myself , with my red hair I look too Christmasy in green . I bought this little pin 20 years at a Hallmark store . So , this is what I wear , sorry the pic is so blurry . The kids thoughposted by Cee at 8 : 45 AM For show and tell this week Blackbird wants to see our butter dish . Someday I will figure out how to link Blackbirds site , sigh . I bought a glass butter dish at a little kitchen specialty store at the local mall when Dave and I first got married . It is all glass and has a cow on the lid . I fell in love with it . I had dreams of the two of us sitting at the kitchen table every morning , with pancakes or toast in front of us with that butter dish between us sparkling in the bright sunlight that would be spilling through our yellow kitchen . I would have my hair pulled back and have an apron on and my face would be made up and my teeth would be white and shiney . Dave would have the paper in front of him catching up on sports or reading about the stock market . Then reality checked in . We were both holding down full time jobs at that time . Dave rarely eats breakfast and leaves the house before I even get up . He is at work before the sun ever comes up and usually grabs something from the roach coach . Once the kids were born my pretty little butter dish just didn 't do the job anymore . It was just too small and since it was glass I was constantly afraid it would fall and break . So one day , many years ago , I lovingly cleaned it up and packed it away . This morning I went to get it out to take a picture of it for show and tell and to take a trip down memory lane and I can 't find it anywhere . I went through all the kitchen cabinets with a flashlight and that butter dish has disappeared . Now I am going nuts wracking my brain trying to figure out where it is . I have been doing spring cleaning and hauling box after bag to the Salvation Army but surely I wouldn 't have given away my precious butter dish , would I ? Anyway , here is what we use now . Not very pretty but practical considering our family size and the amount of butter we seem to use . I buy one of these every month at Costco . I don 't use much butter , hardly any at all . When I do need butter I use * I Can 't Believe It 's Not Butter * spray . It gives me just enough flavor without allposted by Cee at 8 : 26 AM Yesterday Scott was bored . He is not into video games or t . v very much . He would much rather be outside doing something . We have what I call the * ugly corner * in the back yard . It is the only corner where there is no block wall and there is a big ugly stump out there . Scott heard me complaining about it not too long ago so he has decided to dig the stump out for me . I don 't think he will ever get it out , it is way too big but it is keeping him busy and he is having fun trying . Of course , at our house you never do anything that looks like fun alone . Especially if it involves dirt . Scott was glad for the help and passed out shovels . He is very good with his younger siblings and that makes my heart sing . Brother 's taking a break . They have quite a trench going . It is going to rain this weekend , they will be thrilled if it fills up with water . Elyse loves her little shovel . She has decided to give me smirks when I take her picture now , it 's better than the picture scowl she used to give . Another smirk , I almost got a smile out of her . They all had to go straight to the garage to undress and then straight to the showers and bath tubs . That hole kept them busy for hours . Yipee ! ! ! Tayler is having some medical problems and was not able to participate or she would have been as dirty as the rest . She is not doing too well , more on that later . Yesterday I was in such a bitchy mood . My poor family . I finally went off to the bookstore by myself to give us all a break from me . The only problem with that was that I had to take * me * with me . I have also been really tired the last couple of days and my energy level has been low . Around 2 : 00 a . m . I woke up with a sore throat and my whole body just ached and ached . I had a light bulb moment , no wonder I have been in such a bad mood , my body is trying to fight something off and I wasn 't listening to it . I took some tylenol earlier and plan on getting as much rest as possible today . I don 't have time to be sick . Lately I have just been feeling so ugly , for a lack of a better word . I feel fat and bloated . I don 't feel as though I walk around , I feel like I lumber . Like a giant person lumbering across the land and the whole ground shakes and people shriek and cover their eyes and run . That 's how I feel . I am not comfortable in my own skin , I feel big and itchy . Yes , itchy . This is so not me . I can 't use the * I just had a baby * excuse anymore because the * baby * is two years old . I tried Weight Watchers , several times actually . I just can 't count another point . The site of the sliding thingie makes me want to puke . The commercials make my head hurt and I still can 't figure out activity points . So , as I usually do I quit . Now , don 't get me wrong , I am not putting down weight watchers , it works for thousands and thousands of people and I am very happy for them , I am . It just isn 't for me . I don 't like standing in line to wait to be weighed by a judgmental stranger . I stand there , eyeing the other 's feeling vulnerable . I think they are thinking , what took her so long to get here . She should have been here years ago . Okay , I realize that thinking other people are actually thinking about me is ridiculous , but I do . Then there was the incident when I forgot to take off the name tag after the meeting and wore it to the grocery store . You just know after everyone saw that weight watchers name tag stuck to me they were eyeing my cart to see exactly what I was buying thinking does she really need that . I digress , as usual . Yesterday I went to a birthday party . I felt fat and ugly . I didn 't want to be there , I was too fat and ugly to be there . I looked around at all the skinny people and saw how confident they were . I was a skinny girl once , I had tons of confidence , I want that back . I want my confidence and self esteem back . I could hardly stand to be there , to talk to anyone . I tried to stay in one spot and blend in with the background and hide behind my purse . But that is was almost impossible since I had to chase Elyse and save the dposted by Cee at 8 : 56 AM Elyse is two now , she turned two on Sunday . She is taking her two year oldism seriously . She knows it is time for the terribles and she seems to be working extra hard to make sure she gets it all in . So , last night I was walking into the kitchen and there she was at the edge of the floor with a black sharpie . A SHARPIE , a BLACK sharpie and she was drawing lines with it on the kitchen floor . I was speechless but I did hear a tiny gasp escape from somewhere deep inside me . She heard it too . She immediately jumped up , knowing what she was doing was wrong . The first thing that must have come to her mind was to put it away and no one will notice . She ran back through the kitchen to get the lid that she had left way on the other side . My eyes followed her trail across the floor . She had made lines , a trail , the whole length of the kitchen . Her trail consisted of four or five lines next to each other and then she would move up a few inches and start over . I was furious , no I was more than furious I was speechless . I picked her up and took her to the bathroom and sat her on the stool , the time out stool ( thanks supernanny ) . I didn 't say a word , just turned around and walked out of the bathroom and shut the door behind me . Elyse started to cry , no , not cry wail . She sounded like someone was ripping her finger nails out with tweezers . She knew she had done wrong and her guilt was eating her up . At least that is what I would like to think . I went back and surveyed the kitchen floor . It was awful . I didn 't take any pics , wish I had now . I tried 409 and bleach , but that didn 't even make a dent in the trail . I didn 't know what to do . I hate the linoleum , I hate the whole kitchen , it is so old . Vintage is what we are calling it now , but it is still ugly . But I couldn 't leave it like this , nor can we afford to replace it . If only she had used a magic marker , it would have washed off with water an soap , if only she had done this to the walls we could have painted over it . If only she hadn 't done this at all . And where the heck didposted by Cee at 8 : 13 AM The theme for show and tell for Blackbird this week is eyes . Here are mine , this is also my profile picture so this week 's S & T was pretty easy for me . I was watching a movie , laying againts the side of the couch when my four year old son , who had been climbing all over me and I was trying to ignore him , yelled boo , when I looked up he took this pic of me . His favorite thing lately is to try to scare people . He is not supposed to have the camera so the joke was more on him . But I looked at the picture later and liked it , so I used it for my profile pic . It doesn 't show my whole face which is a good thing , trust me . My eyes are hazel , more green in the summer for some reason . I am far sighted so I do wear contacts until bed time . My husband is bugging me to get Lasik since our insurance will pay for a lot of it but I am too chicken . For a long time I wished I had blue eyes . I just love blue eyes . But lately I have started to appreciate my eye color more . They are the perfect color for me and they match my hair nicely . Elyse turned two over the weekend . I can 't believe my baby girl is two years old . It 's time for the terrible two 's to start . I am pretty sure they started a while ago though , but they seem to have escalated lately . I have noticed that when I try to take her picture she refuses to smile . The look in the picture above is the look I get in almost every picture I take of her , unless I get her by surprise . Her no has become more of a NOOOOOO lately too . And she must have read the definition of * stubborn * in the dictionary one night , she has it down flat . We celebrated by taking her to Knotts Berry Farm , a local western theme amusement park . We hadn 't been there in years and it is cheap to get in as far as the cost of amusement parks go . We were pleasantly surprised at how empty it was the whole day , hardly anyone was there . There was very minimal waiting for every ride . We were able to see the whole park quickly and go back and ride our favorite rides and relax . I could also loosen my grip on the kids and let them walk around more and not worry about them getting lost in a crowd . Elyse liked the train ride . She is almost smiling here . She obviously didn 't know her picture was being taken or she would have reverted back to her ususal picture taking scowl . She actually loved the merry - go - round , although you can 't tell from her poker face look . She loved riding the bunny and cried when I pried her off of it . And I do mean pry . She locked her legs onto that bunny like a vice and wrapped her arms around the pole . For a little thing she has incredible strength . Did I mention how loud her NO can be ? ! ? It was a wonderful relaxing day . We all had a lot of fun . It was a nice way to spend Elyse 's birthday . A nice change from the crazy huge party 's we usually have . After the week I had last week it was nice to relax and enjoy the day with the rest of the family instead of being the hostess with the mostest . Elyse was exhausted by the time we left . She was alseep before we got the key in the ignition . I was hoping that would mean a go2 comments |
I thought I would take this opportunity to wish all my readers and friend 's a very happy new year . I love the joy that the new year brings . it brings people from across the nation together . it gives me a great feeling . I love to see all the fire works and listen to the people singing . I love to watch the clock count down to zero . I will be watching big Ben as it counts down and strikes twelve and I will wish the world a happy new year . also I want to thank you all for reading all my blog posts over the year . So from me I wish you all a very happy new year ! ! ! ! Over the past week here in England it has done nothing but snow snow snow and oh wait . . . . . SNOW ! Even though I have been slipping and sliding and even fallen over , I must admit that I think that snow makes for beautiful pictures so I took the opportunity to take some and put them on here so I hope you enjoy my pictures . I like this one with the riverI don 't know who these people are , I hope they didn 't mind me taking their picture . I wonder if this guy actually got any fish . I was even brave enough to take a picture of this guy right before he started walking towards me , thenI walked away quick and calm . I think that this one is my favoriteand you will never guess who I saw . . . I saw the real father christmas , want proof ? ok here it is . . . ok ok maybe it 's not the real father christmas . . alright it 's me lol It was just a few days ago now when it started to snow here in England . I have noticed a change in people it seems that even the old have a child in them that comes out when it snows . There were men looking out the window of the store and I heard one old man say " I 'm excited now " and I must admit I felt a rush of excitement . I think that snow truly brings the feeling of Christmas with it . I see kids throwing snowballs and I want to join in and have a snowball war with them . I see men on snow boards and women making snow men , I love the feel of the snow under my feet . I take caution as I walk across ice and I keep a eye out for those incoming snow balls . do you notice the inner child come out in the snow ? I found these stories on my home and thought they were so strange that I would post them . They are the strangest but true work stories from 2009 and I believe that some were even in the news , so sit back and enjoy as you read these rather odd tales1 . ' Oops ! Employee flips , damages borrowed Ferrari ' A 23 - year - old woman driving her boss 's borrowed Ferrari in California lost control of the car and flipped it , causing an estimated $ 125 , 000 in damage . The woman was unharmed , but her boss was said to be " irate . " ( MSNBC . com ) 2 . ' 34 hospitalized after co - worker sprays perfume ' When almost 150 people at a Texas bank call center became ill , reporting dizziness and shortness of breath , officials suspected carbon monoxide or some other toxic fume was the culprit . But when two people complained about dizziness after a co - worker sprayed perfume and then others began to feel sick , it was discovered that the perfume was to blame . Thirty - four people were taken to hospitals , 12 by ambulance , and 110 people were treated on the scene . No one knows what type of perfume was sprayed . ( MSNBC . com ) 3 . ' Man hurt himself to " avoid work " ' Steven Reid , a 23 - year - old hotel cleaner in Scotland , just wanted a day off of work . Rather than asking for one , Reid claimed he had been assaulted . To convince his boss , he took a razor from his pocket and repeatedly dragged it down his face . He also picked up a boulder and repeatedly hit himself on the head and body . He went to the police station to report " the assault . " When asked about the incident , Reid said , " Looking back , I should have just phoned work and asked them for the day off . " ( BBC News ) 4 . ' Worker fired for all - caps e - mails ' Vicki Walker , of Auckland , New Zealand , was fired for sending e - mail messages in all - capital letters . The employer said that Walker 's co - workers complained about her " shouty " and confrontational e - mails . Walker was awarded $ 11 , 500 on the premise that the company had no official e - mail style guide ; therefore , her messages did not amount to grounds for dismissal . ( UPI . com ) Posted by I must firstly confess that I am also in debt , but I am now working my way out of my debt and should be all clear in the not to distant future . But it seems that there is a whole world temptations out there designed to draw us in chew us up and then spit us out again . I will openly admit that my debts are my own fault and I am now paying the price for that . but what about when it isn 't the persons fault . what about those people who trust the bank or company that they invest their money in and then the bank or company . changes the deal all of a sudden . or they will charge you astronomical prices should you fall just a little behind in your payment to them . you owe them a penny and they charge you a pound . I have seen this happen just the other day and it happened to me . I have a overdraft that i have not touched for at least two years now but I have been paying it off a little every month . I was charged interest which roughly means that for every 25 pounds I owed I was charged 3 pounds at the end of the month . it was simple and easy . It seems that the bank changed the rules , not just for me but for all their customers . the new rules are anyone with a overdraft would now be charged a pound a day every day until the overdraft was settled . and if this makes you go over your overdraft limit even by one pence then you are charged 5 pounds a day every day until you bring your account up to date , so now instead of owing just 20 pounds a month I would now be paying £ 150 pounds a month just for been a few pounds over my overdraft . it stinks but I have now sorted it out , but what about those people who can 't afford it . they could literally end up owing 1000 's for just a few pence of debt . I do truly believe that it is a world designed to get people in debt one way or the other As the title saysHas Christmas become corrupt ? This is the feeling I have had for a good few years now . Not so much on the spiritual side but on the money side . when I was about 20 years younger it seemed so different , it was all about family and been with the people you love , even though that value is still in the spirit of Christmas it seems that it has all become about how much money that the company 's can make out of people . to me Christmas should be about family and the people you love . without those things Christmas would mean nothing anyway . I was talking to a customer in my store and he agreed also and we said about how it seems that people are almost expected to buy things for people now , he had two children and when I told him about how my mother told me that she used to get a apple and orange and a shiny penny for Christmas he laughed and said " if I got my kids that they would throw a tantrum " . Even the stores try to make as much money as they can from people . they advertise all the things they sell over and 0ver again and I am sure that they even wait till kids are at home after school to play the advertisements on the TV knowing that if the kids see these adverts they will beg mom and dad to get them the toy and mom and dad will try so hard to get them the toy so they don 't disappoint their loved ones . So I ask , has the spirit of Christmas being corrupted by the greed of big company 's and their expectations of your expectations ? I know I am just rambling on now but I just wanted to get the point across I hope it makes sense to all who read it . I am now 30 years old and today it occurred to me that in just a few months now I will be 31 , if the years fly by as fast as they have done this past ten years before I know it I will be 40 before I know it . Just what age is considered getting old ? or is 30 's the prime of a man 's life . are these the years when I am going to reach my peak in my physical status . Will i be the fastest and strongest I am going to be . I still feel young and I still feel just as strong as in my teens . I do feel stronger but in different ways I feel emotionally stronger . I feel more endurant . but in the back of my mind I wonder when all that will start to diminish and age will take hold of me . I am sure that it wont happen for many years yet but I guess it is always good to keep a eye on these things . For the time been I am young ish and I have my health that I am so grateful for every day . So I guess until I get old I will just keep been young . I am now back in england and I miss being with my jenn I miss walking with her and looking to my side and seeing her smiling at me as I hold her hand . I traveled for so many hours without sleep and I got back to my mothers house and my thoughts are that I don 't want to be here , i Want to be with my jenn again I want to feel her in my arms and i want to hear her sweet voice . As I set off back to England I was really sad and i make a promise that I will not rest untill I am with my jenn again . I don 't sleep on the plane not just because I can 't but because if I do then it feels like the last day that I spent with my jenn is over and I just don 't want that time to end . Coming back to England and been without my jenn is the hardest thing I ever have to do . I know that I will be going back and been with my jenn soon but I just miss her so bad . I fell asleep about half A hour ago and I just woke up all confused . I thought I was back in america and I even called out Jenn 's name before I relised I was back in England . I miss my jenn so bad - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Today I have to leave for England . I am writing this from my iPod because my laptop is broken . I will be back with my jenn soon but I know that I will miss her so bad every second . I love you more than anything my beautiful jenn forever and ever mwah . Posted by Well today was my first ever baptism That I have given . I baptised my Beautiful Jenn . It was truly a amazing experience . We had a couple of Elders , Elder Jenkins and Elder Olson come with us to the church . we went in Jennifer 's car and talked most of the way about the size of the buildings that we passed along the way . We Finlay got to the church and parked and I remember thinking that I didn 't feel nervous at all , but it was early yet . We all headed in to the church and went in to the sacrament meeting where Mr Blake , Morgan 's dad was sat . We sat next to him and soon after Morgan and her sister arrived and we all sat together . we had the sacrament and then headed in to our separate classes . soon it was the last lesson before the baptism and the nerves were setting in . I started thinking to my self , What if I fall in the pool and Jenn falls with me . I was now imagining silly scenario 's like one strand of Jenn 's hair not going under the water and I would have to do the entire process again . Before I knew it the time was here . we gathered in a room and sat facing a wall with double doors , I could hear the sound of running water behind the doors , and I now felt very nervous . Elder lee lead me in to a side room where I was able to see the pool where I was to baptise Jenn in just a few minutes . I was given a white jump suit to wear . so I got dressed and walked back out in to the room where every body was waiting . I felt like every pair of eyes were following me , then Jenn came in to the room wearing white . Morgan never left Jennifer 's side she really was a great help for her I think . we all sat down and the baptism ceremony beganMr Blake said the open prayer and then mine and Jennifer 's good friend Morgan gave a talk and she really did a wonderful Job , THANK YOU MORGAN ! ! . and then it was time . I walked in to the side room and looked at the pool and I really was so nervous at this point . I looked across to the other side of the small room and Jennifer had entered the room through the other side door . I looked towards the doublPosted by Today is such a very special day . Today is the day that I baptize Jenn in to the Latter day saints . I am kind of nervous but I am sure that every thing will go smooth . over the last few days me and Jenn have been having so much fun , I have bought her a beautiful ring that she loves . We have had dinner at the Blake 's house which was soooo nice . I think that this is my heaven it really is perfect . We went to the movies and we saw couples retreat which was very funny and we had popcorn and we had five guys , not at the same time but the two meals in the same day don 't mix very well . Later that night we watched sex and the city and we both felt sick from the popcorn and five guys . We wen to the Blake 's again and we had brunch and it was delicious . and then we took Morgan and her room mate to five guys and I had my very first American hot dog yummi ! ! ! and so now we are up to speed . I will write a blog later on to let you all know how the baptism went . I have had a really wonderful last few days with Jennifer , we have been doing so many amazing things . just yesterday me and Jennifer went on a horse and carriage ride together I think that it was the happiest day of my life so far it really was perfect . the sun was shining and it was warm . we took a ride in the carriage that was pulled by a horse named Dilbert and the horse master was called Lester . and ruby the ranch dog came along for a run . I just sat back with Jenn resting her head on my shoulder and I just couldn 't help but think just how happy I was . Today I went to the park with the two Elders in the area and we had a game of football . I was still hurting from the game I had played with them just two days before but it was all good fun . and me and Jenn watched the movie couples retreat which was quite funny . I am really so happy and having the time of my life here with my beautiful Jenn . Today we had to be up early because Jenn had college . so while she was at college I went for a jog and got back just in time for Jenn to finish class and we both went for a walk around the square and I let Jenn pick her birthday gift out . She found a ring with a topaz stone . it really was beautiful . and I had a waffle for the first time ever at the waffle house , it was so very nice . I couldn 't eat anything els after that and I still feel full to the brim now . it has been another great day with my Jenn . every day with her is a blessing I 'm here ! ! I am now in the USA with My Jenn and I am so very happy . firstly let me begin by saying I had the flight from hell , I have never sat right at the back of a plane before but I did this time and the turbulence was so bad at one point the plane shook so bad it threw me in to the guy sat next to me and he head butted the window . I got to Atlanta in one peace and got through customs and I picked up my new bright red bag . and there was my Beautiful Jenn . I threw my arms around her I was so happy . I have missed her so bad , and now that I am with her everything is perfect . We got a ride from Jenn 's friend Claire and then me and Jenn went to the piazza restaurant , I had spaghetti and Jenn had pizza . after we went and booked in to the motel . after getting my clothing packed away we went and met Jenn 's room mates . we talked for a while and also watched a movie . by the end of the movie I could feel my self drifting away in to dream world . I made it back to the motel and I cant really remember anything els . I woke up the next morning and My jaw hurt so bad my shoulders were hurting in fact most of my body was hurting . I had jet lag . and today was Jenn 's birthday . We went to church and for the first time I met mine and Jenn 's good friend Morgan and she is a great person . she took lots of pictures of me and Jenn . after we all went to Church and met even more people . I will be baptising Jenn next week and the church I went to today is the same church where I will be baptising her . I am really excited about that . after church we went back to Morgans house and had a wonderful meal with Morgans parents . they are such a great family and I am blessed to know them . so that pretty much brings us up to speed and at the moment i am sat watching some American for me life doesn 't get any better . I am with the woman that I love and I am the happiest man alive Well I am now sat at the airport and the time is 11 : 22 pm and my flight isn 't until 6 : amI have had a walk around the terminal and there is no one about apart from the cleaner , who keeps giving me odd looks because I am laid on the floor typing this , and I 'm not sure if any body is interested but I just did that entire top bit without making a single spelling error , I checked . so all I have to do now is wait for the check in to open in about 4 and a half hours and Ill be good to go . I have had a chocolate bar and I feel kind of sick from it but I 'm sure I 'll live . I have managed to locate the plug sockets so I have a power supply for my computer and I can charge up my phone . in fact its almost like home . just missing the cats and my mother who insists that I call her the second I land over in the USA . Well the next time I write a post I will be in the USA and happy with My Jenn . I cant wait Today is the day that I set off to be with my Jenn . After been up till about 4 am packing I am now all ready for the trip and am very excited to be with my beautiful Jenn again . This is where all the hard work pays off . in about 5 hours I will be catching the train to the airport an then from there to be with my Jenn . I will be writing a blog every day about what I have been up to . kind of like a journal , I will be writing one from the airport . I will be waiting there for about 9 hours so lots of time to write something . I am so sorry to all my readers that I have not been writing half as much as I should . I have been so very busy with work , i have been doing 8 and 9 hour shifts and i even pulled a couple of 11 hour shits all so I can be with Jenn . but I will now be writing a lot more , at least once a day for the next couple of weeks so tune in and give em a read . At the moment I am just sat in the living room waiting to get in the shower , this is the deep breath before the jump . the quiet before the storm . in a few hours it will be all go go go . I find my self thinking , have I got everything I need , , did I put my passport in my pocket . did I forget to pack anything ? . all these thoughts keep flying through my mind but I guess that 's normal . all I really have to do now is just get my shower get dressed and charge my phone and I will be ready for the journey . I feel a bit nervous I get this every time I travel to be with my Jenn . I just want to make sure everything is perfect . and I just wanted to say to all that read my blogs " Thank you so much for your patients with my lack of writing I promise I will be writing a lot more from now on and reading a lot more also " . As I announced in my last post I have been jogging for quite some time now , I love to jog even though I don 't feel like jogging some days I always feel better for it after . I have been used to jogging in quite warm temperatures and my time has been gradually improving and I feel more active and able to do physical exorcises . But now the temperature has started to drop I am finding it more difficult to run , I feel I am fighting for breath more and my legs are getting tierd a lot quicker . I still make it the distance and in good time , but I just didn 't realise that this would happen . will I have the same struggle when it gets warm again ? I find that the major weakness I have while I am jogging is that I think a lot about the speed that I am jogging . Am I jogging to slow or to fast should I space my footsteps further apart . Perhaps I should just try not to think and enjoy it . I have been so very busy lately so here is my chance to catch up on what I have been doing with the rest of the world , , or who ever reads my posts . Over the last few weeks I have been virtually living at work . I have been doing 45 hour weeks . which is very good with me going to see Jenn in just over two weeks now . I am not sure f I have mentioned that I also Jog from work at night so after a 8 or 9 hour shift I jog the 2 miles back to the house which keeps me fit and healthyI started Jogging about 7 months ago now . I started by Jogging a little at a time and each day I would add a little more distance to my route . I finally decided that I would cap the distance at 2 miles which is the distance from work to my house plus its about 75 % up hill and 25 % flat and I jog about 4 times a week or every time I work till close . Apart from that I have been gathering the things I need for my trip to see my Beautiful Jenn . With Just over two weeks to go now I am Finlay prepared as long as they don 't change the flight details again which they have done twice now , but I 'm sure everything is set for go . I am also going to have the great privilege of baptizing my Jenn when I get there which I am very looking forward to , but I must confess I am a little nervous about but I am sure I will do well . I am also planning to do a daily journal on here of the time I spend with my Jenn so I can look back and remember what we did this time round . There will be lots of pi cures , I always take lots of pictures when I am with Jenn , of places and scenery and of course of my beautiful Jenn . I don 't want to miss a single detail . I know I haven 't been writing on here as much as I should but I have just been so very busy . I have been literally coming home to go to bed to get up to go to work but it is all worth it and I will do the work a million times over to be with my Jenn . It was just a few days ago now that I was at work and it was coming close to the end of the night . My niece Naomi came in to the store with her baby , we talked for a while about things in general . eventually she had to go and just before she left she bought a drink , she came to the counter drink in hand and she got out her purse and handed me the money . All of a sudden I started to think about how she had grown up , here was this young woman stood in front of me who once was a small child who I used to take to school and look after . I cleaned her knee when she fell over and I helped her with her inhaler when she had to take the medication to help her breath . I used to take her to the park with her sister and we would play for hours . I just can 't believe that she is all grown up now , she has a baby and her own money and a boyfriend . I guess I just have trouble accepting that she will grow up . I always see her as my little niece . I can 't believe I am telling this story , well should I say I can 't believe it actually happened for me to be able to tell you about it . It is so discusting I want to throw up just writing about it . This one goes right up there with the articles you would read in a magazine . It happened just last week when I was walking to work . I had been busy all day and had was beginning to feel rather hungry , knowing that I wouldn 't get much chance to have a snack at work I decided I would get something to eat before I got there . There was a small mobile sandwich stall along the way that I had noticed but never actually tried before so I figured I would give it a try . I ordered a ham and cheese salad sandwich my favorite . I paid the money grabbed the sandwich and continued on my walk to work . I took a bite of the sandwich and it was bliss . I was walking fast to get to work on time and enjoying my sandwich . I took another bite and it felt like I had a piece of cheese hanging out of my mouth so I felt at my lips and pulled it of my mouth ready to put it back in my mouth . I looked in my hand and to my horror it wasn 't a piece of cheese at all . It was in fact half of a quite big spider . I couldn 't believe my eyes that were now watering because I was about to throw up . I looked inside the rest of the sandwich and the other half of the spider wasn 't there . Yes that 's right I had just devoured half a spider with my sandwich . Trying to hold back the sick that was now in my throat I threw the rest of the sandwich in the closest bin and I never went to that sandwich stall again . EEEEWWWWWW ! ! ! ! The situation been that as I write this blog the father of my nieces child is here seeing the baby . Now I know that sounds a little evil of me and please believe me when I say that I am not a evil man but the situation of how all this came about just doesn 't seem fair . Let me explain . Before this situation came to what it is now the father and Natalie had broken up and his family tried everything they could to try to cause trouble for Natalie even to the point of calling the social services and claiming that Natalie couldn 't take care of the baby . The father would stalk Natalie following her and getting people to follow her and at one point he even sat in the middle of a road and said he wouldn 't move until Natalie went back with him . there are numerous thing I could talk about but it just gets me annoyed to think about all the things that he has done . But he is the baby 's father and it 's for that reason that I haven 't said anything to him . He got a court order to say that he has visitation rights twice a week and until a appropriate address can be found this house is the meeting point and it 's that Idea I have the problem with mostly . After all he has done we are letting him in to our house again , but it is for the sake of the baby and the right of the father to know his child that compels me to allow this situation and even though I don 't like the situation as person the moral of allowing a father to see his baby overrides my feeling and that 's why I allow him in the house . I hope that feeling this way doesn 't make me a bad person but I just can 't help it I really don 't like the father . This week I wanted to concentrate on Melissa and her habit of grabbing dirty laundry and either bringing it down to the living room or just hiding it somewhere in the house in her secret undiscovered location . It is kind of funny when she does her laundry thing . I will be sat down stairs and all of a sudden I will hear a howling sound over and over again . she will then come down stairs with usually a sock in her mouth , but she has tried things as big as a T shirt before . She will walk in to the room with the item in her mouth lay the clothing own in the middle of the room and then either run away or grab the item of clothing and we never see it again . I have set my self a challenge for the small cat diary , I will capture her doing this on my phone and then put the video on here . I do have a picture of her about to commit her act but when I took this picture she ran away straight afterI will get her sooner or later so keep your eyes peeled on my blog What a day it has been , Today was the stake conference for the latter day saints in my city . I had seen other conferences on the TV before , so I kinda knew what to expect . One of the twelve Apostles was there , Elder David A . Bednar . He wanted to meet with the people that had been baptized in the last two years , so me and about 60 other people sat in a room and waited . Elder David Bendar came in and sat at the head of a table in front of the people sat in the room I had a great view , first the people that entered the room spoke for a while , They spoke mainly about the book of Mormon and how important it was to read it every day . soon enough it was the Apostles time to speak , he stood up and began to speak and I listened to what he had to say , he talked about what he had done before in his life , He said to all the new members in the room that at some point in the church some one will say something that we may not like but who 's fault is it that we get offended he asked . and he then said that it is our self 's that choose to be offended when we hear something we don 't like and we have the power to not let things offend us . He also spoke about how the spirit can guide us and that sometimes we may not even realize that it 's the spirit guiding us until the reasons are reveled to us . he said so many great things and I listened intently to every word . After he had finished his talk the room emptied and only a few people were in the room . I stood up to leave and I saw Elder David Bednar ( Apostle ) stood at the table with his suitcase , I really wanted to say high to him so I walked over to where he was and he looked up and gave me a big smile and He said " One second there I Just got to clean my hands " then he held his hand out and I shook his hand . I couldn 't believe it I was stood shaking the hand of one of the twelve apostles . He asked me my name and I told him who I was and thanked him for all that he had done and his great speech that he had given . he said it was a pleasure and he was very happy to meet me . We talked for about Posted by To day was such a wonderful day for me , I did my first sacrament blessing , but how ever it was a bit more sudden than expected . About 4 months ago my bishop asked me to perform the sacrament blessing , every week since then I have ment to do the blessing but have often had to leave early because of my work . I was worried that bishop had forgotten about deal we had made in the past , well not so much of a deal but more of a arrangement . The arrangement is that When I go to See my beautiful Jenn I am going to baptize her , but first Bishop wants me to use my priesthood power here first in other words perform the sacrament blessing and then he will give me permission to perform the baptism . So quite naturally I wanted to do the sacrament blessing , and I know that time was running out , so I said to bishop " Hey Bishop can I do the sacrament ? " and he said " Yeah sure " . I was just thinking that I had at least a week to prepare my self so I could relax for this week , just as I was about to say those very words to my mother Bishop said " you can do the blessing today " . I felt my heart jump in to my throat , talk about been put on the spot . I now had just a hour to prepare my self , I felt that all familiar nervous feeling take a hold and all of a sudden I couldn 't seem to concentrate . and before I knew it the time had come for the sacrament meeting , I sat up on the front of the chapel and looked at the crowd looking at me . I had a good help from the two boys one called Donald and I can 't remember the other boys name , but the walked me through what I had to do and showed me the script that I had to read from . the time came for me to do my part of the blessing , I was so nervous but I just kept thinking about how doing this would enable me to be able to baptize my Jenn . I was to bless the water I had to say the words perfectly or say the entire script again . So I bent down on one knee and began to read the water blessing to the entire church , I had go about half way through what I was reading and I said one of the words wrong sPosted by I have decided to make a diary for the five cats in the house , I probably won 't make a entry in this diary to often . It seems that at the moment all five of them are doing things that will keep me writing for a while at least . Some weeks I will include pictures or even video 's of them in and their activity ' sSo here is a reminder of who is whoThis is Sophie the oldest of the five , she likes to be the mother figure amongst them . This one is called Sugar , she is the boss the alpha cat , she keeps them all in line and protects them from all those male cats . This is Daisy , possibly the most clumsy cat in the world . She is the only cat I have ever known to fall over while she is laid down . This little fire ball is called Polly , she is the mischievous one , the wind up merchant . Sh isn 't afraid of anyone or anything , she would stand up to king Kong . And finally , Melissa . She is sister to Polly and seems to think she is a house maid . she drags any dirty laundry from the wash basket and brings it down to the washing machine . Well there you have it , all five cats each one we love very much . today Melissa and Polly were busy cleaning each other when without warning they started to fight , I cant say who started it but they were really going at each other . I don 't like it when they fight so I tried to stop it and just look at the evil look they gave me for trying to stop them . That 's the last time I disturb them , I thought they were gonna kill me . I guess I should never interfere with sisters fighting just a little over two months now and I will be off to see my beautiful Jenn . Already I can hardly contain my excitement . I am now in the process of saving as much as I can to spend on my Jenn , everything els is set . This is everything I work towards , all year round and the time I spend with my Jenn is the best time of my life . I always find that I worry a lot about the details of the trip . I sometimes even dream about it , I have dreams where I get to the airport and I forgot something or I dream that I miss my flight , or I have even had dreams where I am the pilot of the plane . I think I dream these things because I think so much about them all day . I am the kind of person who likes to keep on top of everything I do and things that concern me , I like to keep a constant check on the things that are important to me . Jenn is the most important thing in the world to me and I worry a lot that something would go wrong with the bookings or a flight delay that would hamper my getting to be with her . I 'm sure that everything will go just fine and I will be with my Jenn really soon . do I just worry to much about these things am I just been paranoid ? I have noticed lately the amount of pressure that is placed on the customer to buy products . Weather it be a chocolate bar or the latest games console it seems that there is a certain amount of pressure to buy these things that is placed on the customer by the store that they are in . Even at home . there are none stop advertisements to buy products . perhaps it 's just me but I have noticed the increase in toy advertisements now that Christmas is only123 days away or to make it sound more closer3 months and 6 days away . and it will only get worse as it gets closer . and I even noticed that the advertisements fall around the same time as the kids are coming home from school . Maybe that 's why Christmas doesn 't feel so much like Christmas anymore , because it 's all about money . all about how much the company can make . I remember years ago when all I wanted is my family . that hasn 't really changed I still hold that value very close to my heart . but the thing I would love more than anything is to be with My beautiful Jenn for Christmas , that for me would be the best gift I could ever ask for Welcome to my photo Friday for this week . Now I have seen some strange things in my life . but the other day in the park I saw this thing . Can anybody tell me what it is for ? I really have no idea . there are two of these in the park one at each end . I am really curious about it . I think it could be for tying a shoe . any suggestions ? Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh . Here are my jokes and funny stuff for this week . A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared , the boy seemed very intrigued by them . " Mommy , what 's that long thing on the elephant ? " he asked . " That 's the elephant 's trunk , dear , " she replied . " No , not that . What 's that long thing that 's hanging between the elephant 's legs ? " asked the boy . Embarrassed , the mother replied , " Oh , it 's nothing , son . " She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas . While she was gone , the young boy turned to his father and asked , " Daddy , what 's that long thing hanging between the elephant 's legs ? " " That 's the elephant 's penis , son , " explained the father . " Well , why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her ? " the boy asked . Taking a deep breath , the father proudly replied , " I 've spoiled that woman , son ! " Please feel free to take part in my tell a joke tuesday Posted by seems that there has been a rather sudden change in the weather , Tropical storm Claudette appeared from nowhere and is now heading through Atlanta towards Tennessee . Ana is now on a course straight for Florida and then on through Georgia . Bill is now a Hurricane and I think that he is going to miss America completely and do a kind of a u turn and head back out to the Atlantic and die . I will update again on Wednesday I am at present tracking two tropical storms , They are both out in the Atlantic ocean and are almost hurricane strength . Tropical storm Ana is leading the way and gathering strength . I think she may develop in to a Hurricane . if she carried on on her present course she will hit hit Cuba by Wednesday and some time on Thursday will skim the Florida coast and head in to the Mexican gulf . I will give a update on Ana on Monday . The second of the tropical storms Bill is following Ana and is as strong as Ana . If Bill continues on his current path he will hit Florida or Carolina or Georgia roughly on Sunday of next week . I will update on Monday . Hi all and welcome to my Photo Friday for this week . In England we have a tradition that on the 11th day on the 11th hour of the 11th month we remember those who fought and died for their country in the two major wars of this world and the smaller conflicts some of witch are still on going . We remember the brave heroes and what they gave up for us . they gave their today so that we may have our tomorrow . and how do we honor them ? with a poppy , a small flower that grows wildI thought about this a lot when I was walking and saw a field full of them . I really do feel sorry for all the lives that have been lost , all those people we lost and all because the people in charge are to ignorant to try and come to some kind of understanding , they have no respect for life and it is the people who are left behind that pickup the pieces . It is these people that give there lives and see horrors that no person should ever have to see . they are heroes but at what price and who will pay the price of putting their lives back together after the horror that they have witnessed . they pay such a price so that we can stay safe at home and I am eternaly greatful to every single one of them who fight for our freedom . I just wish that the wars had never happend in the first place I wish they could all come home . we are human beings and we are better than this . I 'm sorry its just the way I feelHosted by Cecily and MamaGeek A long long time a go in a galaxy far far awayrecord scratch , , , , back to realityThis is quite a complicated story so bear with me and I will try to tell it as best I can . I have worked at my store now for nearly ten years and for as long as I have worked there my boss has worked there , she had worked there for years before I worked there , in fact you could say that this job is her life . about two years ago our store was forced to re locate after the company had bought 29 new locations and rather than have our store so close to another store , they consolidated the two stores in to one . We quickly settled in to the new location and my boss got to work sorting out all the paper work and loose ends from the new stores old files and business transactions . she finally got everything up to speed about a half a year ago . and that 's when they lowed the boom . She received word that the company thought that she would be be better placed at another store because she wasn 't performing up to standards at the store she was at . This sent her in to a rage as you can imagine and for the next few weeks she became a nervous wreck . soon after the full store emerges that the manager from that store is going to come and take over at our store . I had worked with that manager before and I remember him seeming to be a spoilt person and very stuck up , I got the impression he was the district managers favorite and he knew it but I would soon learn my lesson for been so judgemental . My boss fought against the decision with every thing she had even going to a solicitor and citizens advice , but unfortunately for her she was denied against her fight to stay so then she appealed against that decision still to no avail . she was bitter against what had happened to her and she was looking to put the blame on anything at this point , she even went as far as to put in a claim of sexual discrimination , claiming that it was just to dangerous for her to go home at such a late hour from so far away . also that the district manager wanted only men running his stoPosted by First let me say that over the past couple of week I have had a writers block and haven 't really been able to think of things to write , well not that I have nothing to write , it was just I didn 't really know how to write about it . So today I am attempting to break out of my writers block and come out all guns blazing as the saying goes . OOOOOOOk here goes . As my title says I felt really bad the other day , I go to church as often as I can and the Elders always make me feel so welcome and I have become real good friends with them both so I suggested we go play football some time , I thought they could be more them selves and have some fun at the same time . So we went to a local park , I took my Wilson NFL ball and the Elders brought their soccer ball . We started with playing some American Football we stood in a triangle and threw the ball to each other , every thing was going well . We switched to the soccer ball . I have never been to good at soccer . you could say m aim when I kick the ball is not to good . I decided to make a net and I went as the goal keeper first and the rules was that the Elders would play and the first to score a go in as goal keeper so they could rest . Elder Surban scored a goal so he became the goal keeper and I went out on the pitch with Elder Deberry . Elder Surban kicked the ball on to the pitch and I got the ball I ran up to elder Deberry with the ball and made a excellent move I kicked the ball straight through his legs and shot at goal but elder Surban stoped the goal . he kicked the ball back on to the pitch and I ran and collected the ball and started back towards goal . between me and the goal stood Elder Deberry . after moving so well last time I figured I could easily get past him again . but wait surly it would be more of a surprise if I shot for goal from where I was which was the middle of the pitch , Elder Deberry was stood about ten yards directly in front of me . I aw a opening to the right of him just enough for me to boot the ball as hard as I could and possibly score a goal . I pulled my leg bPosted by Tell a joke Tuesday Tell a joke Tuesday Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh . Here are my jokes and funny stuff for this week . Things never to say to a cop 1 . I can 't reach my license unless you hold my beer . ( OK in Texas ) 2 . Sorry , Officer , I didn 't realize my radar detector wasn 't plugged in . 3 . Aren 't you the guy from the Village People ? 4 . Hey , you must 've been doin ' about 125 mph to keep up with me . Good job ! 5 . Are You Andy or Barney ? 6 . I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer . 7 . You 're not gonna check the trunk , are you ? 8 . I pay your salary ! 9 . Gee , Officer ! That 's terrific . The last officer only gave me a warning , too ! 10 . Do you know why you pulled me over ? Okay , just so one of us does . 11 . I was trying to keep up with traffic . Yes , I know there are no other cars around . That 's how far ahead of me they are . 12 . When the Officer says " Gee Son . . Your eyes look red , have you been drinking ? " You probably shouldn 't respond with , " Gee Officer your eyes look glazed , have you been eating doughnuts ? " I was at work the other day and I must admit I was a bit shall we say angry at a customer . The woman in question had three children , they were only young I would say the oldest one was about 9 years old . She came to the counter and was asking my advice on games , She asked me about a game called Getaway . I said " it is a very violent game and deals with adult theme that 's why it has a 18 rating , I would not recommend you get this game for them , in fact I would strongly recommend you don 't ! " She said " is it worse than Grand theft auto ? " I said " Yes I would say it is " She then said that they play games like that all the time . I could feel my self getting annoyed with her , what was she thinking ? I then said to her " This game is a 18 rated game which means it has violence and offensive language in it , it may also have sexual scenes in it also " She gave me a look as if to say I don 't really care . by now the kids where pestering the lady and I could see her thinking I just want to get the game to keep them quiet . I then said to her " I really think it would be unwise to get them this game , it would be like putting a 18 rated movie on and letting them watch it " after all my pleading with the customer not to subject the kids to the game , she said " oh I 'll get it for them , if they start swearing I 'll just turn down the volume " I said " but its visual also " She said , " oh they will be fine they have seen worse " there was nothing I could really do , I had to sell her the game but believe me I wanted so badly to refuse her . and as she was leaving the store she turned to me and said " I am not a bad mother " I don 't think she was a bad mother , her kids seemed to love her . I just think that it 's not right that there is no law saying you can 't buy a game / movie that 's a 18 for someone younger than that age . |
Don 't judge me , but random stranger really means random stranger . Stop it , I said not to judge . Anyway , so Nathan and I were going through some stuff * hint hint * . It had led to me being so pissed that I just wasn 't in my right mind . And where did that land me ? On Facebook . I 'd never done anything like it but I knew how I felt about Nathan and all I wanted to do was spite him , nothing too big of course , I still loved him . And where better to find a non - commitment asshole than on Facebook . There were always random guys saying hi to me in my inbox . So I decided to answer one of them . This boy though … This boy 's name was Adrian and he turned out to be a good one . And when I say good , I mean good lair . He was attentive , he was excited to talk to me every night and it was all going great . We started Skyping and adding all of each other 's social networks . And for a while , he 'd taken my mind off of Nathan and the drama we were going through . We were definitely on a break and we hadn 't spoken in a month . That was a lifetime to us . In the mean time I was being courted by Adrian . And where was my guilt … in the back of my mind . But I never forgot the reason why I was talking to Adrian so much . It was just for fun and he was childish enough , for his age , to remind me . He annoyed the hell out of me with his immaturity and that was exactly what I want . But all my fun and peace was going to be shattered as soon as I agreed to be exclusive with Adrian . Nathan always sensed when he messed up bad enough for the effects to become permanent and his spider senses probably went off the very second Adrian kissed me that night . And I could always sense when Nathan was going to pop back up . There were always signs from the universe . A sudden breeze would pass with his scent in it . I 'm not even kidding . I 'd just know that he was going to come back . With a fight as big as this one that we were having I was going to resist as hard as I could . " What 's wrong baby ? " Adrian asked me . We were at our favorite spot and I was staring into the darkness . It was late , maybe almost midnight . I kept getting the signs that Nathan was coming soon . I stayed away from Dustin 's place but truly I wanted to be there . The thing was that at the time Nathan wasn 't living there anymore . But I was so afraid of hurting Adrian . I had developed some unexpected feeling for the annoying and childish fool . We were together for two months . I needed to pull myself together . " I 've already told you that I don 't " He always got angry when I remind him that I don 't trust him . It wasn 't anything that I could explain . He was really sweet but I just didn 't . He folded his arms and said nothing . I looked at him feeling a little guilty for making him sad but I was more irritated that he was so soft . " I 'm ready to go home . " " Okay dear . " He said like an old person . He was really irritated with me . I shook my head . He couldn 't handle me if he tried . I always tried to be nicer to him . He was too sensitive . Nathan could hold his own . As I opened my laptop a half hour later to text him on Facebook a small though occurred to me . I 'd never added him on Instagram . And I really wanted to . Before I didn 't even care . I got on Instagram immediately and started searching . I couldn 't remember whether he 'd even mentioned having an account . But as I was there searching for him I got something better . I got exactly what I wanted . Not only did I find him but I also found a reason to be okay with the fact that Nathan was coming back . Then why was I crying as I looked at the picture of Adrian and some bitch named Sabrina on a date in a restaurant . The picture was dated 4 weeks ago and labelled ' my beautiful girlfriend ' . Sorry for the no post this week . But here 's a little something from another story I 've written . I 've tried my hand at vampire stories for no reason really . Maybe curiosity . So here it is . Episode four will be up next week . It 's just that it 's unfinished at the moment . School is about to start so I had some things to take care of this week . So here 's Nick Brown : Dead Inside and Out . I 've been watching him for some time now . He went after his victims in a very unusual way . First he built relationships with them and sometimes it was just at random . But it was what he did to them that drew me to him . He skinned them all alive in his basement . He was all about the pain and suffering . Made me wonder what got him that way . But enough of the stalking , it was time for the change . I wanted him to join me . Wait , what was I saying ? I just wanted to have some fun . It 's been an entire decade since my last bit . Let 's see what kind of monster I could create from this man . As far as I could tell , I was the only vampire in this town . So this should be fun . In the beginning , he wouldn 't be able to sense me . And I bet you know that I was not going to help . I wanted to see how he would deal with the transformation alone . He and I had something in common you see . We both loved to see the pain and distress of people . My behavior was due to my becoming a vampire but him … he was bad . Ah ha ! There he was and right on time too . And there was his victim . He was being very risky this week because he suspected that the law was onto him . You would think that he 'd lay low but he was a wealthy man . I guess he figured that if he 's going out , he was going out with a good one . But , yes , his victim . Watching him all this time , I know exactly who she was . The woman that he was after , Melanie wasn 't only his co worker but she was also his ex girlfriend . He 's wanted to kill her for some time now . But of course there was the fear of this murder being too obvious . Now , all that fear was gone . He stalks her a good hundred meters away . She was on her way home to her apartment . But get this , it wasn 't dark out yet . I stood in the dark building across the street watching his genius unfold . He pleaded with Melanie to take him back and to come over to his mansion . She seemed reluctant but he had planned this well before . He couldn 't let his possible last crime fail . So he 's been buttering her up for weeks . The drunken phone calls late at night telling her he missed her , the sudden pang of sensitivity towards her at work , the tiny favors that human women liked to add up in their heads . And this was the finale … the ' I can no longer live without you ' speech . And it worked , to no surprise of mine . So she was now scheduled to arrive at his mansion at six that night ' for dinner ' . I couldn 't enter his house before but I had pretended to be lost last week and wanted to use his phone . He was surprisingly friendly for a serial killer . Maybe he was thinking of killing me though . Well now , isn 't the joke on him ? So I snuck in and headed to the basement where the show would take place . He had already set up the equipment days ago , anxious and excited for the coming event . The scalpels were on the table . He was going to skin her alive . There was a gurney with straps all over it and the place was practically sound proof . But that didn 't really matter . His mansion was far away from the town . It was left for him . That and a boat load of cash . But he still chose to keep his accounting job in the center of town . Ahhh ! I could taste the delicious pain in the air . Or was it the many blood types that were shed here . I heard a car arrive at the gate and then the footsteps up to the door . I went upstairs to lurk in the barely lit hallways . Nick was still setting the table . The doorbell rung and he beamed with excitement . " Come in , Melanie . " He said . " You don 't know how long I 've been waiting for this day . " He continued but soon realized that it sounded as creepy as he really was inside . So he quickly rephrased . " I 've wanted our getting back together for some time now . " " Of course , I 'm sorry to imply . " He apologized but as her back was to him he gave her a deadly scowl . " Please sit and enjoy the white wine I 've poured for you . I hope you like it , it 's good . " That was a lie . I saw him pour it from the box in the kitchen . The place smelled of food but there was none . He had just spiked her wine , nothing was actually planned . He didn 't need any extra time with her and he didn 't know how long she would stay . All he wanted was her death . Suddenly her head hit the table and he beamed again in anticipation . He had no trouble carrying her to the basement . He was a well built man . His eyes were dark , almost black in appearance . Though he was built he wasn 't very remarkable . Not on the ' eye candy ' side of things . But I could smell the adrenaline in his blood as he walks right passed me in the shadows . I followed and watched closely . I was only waiting for the perfect time . The moment that I would turn him and watch the change happen . It only takes a few hours . He laid Melanie on the gurney and strapped her in . He then waited a while for her to wake up . When she came to , she was befuddled and let out a timid moan of distress . Nick lolled his head back and soaked in the sound . He relished in it . And it was only the first . Bewilderment struck across her face when she realized that she was strapped down . He answered her question my slowly slicing off a piece of her skin from her arm . Her shrieks of agony gave him great pleasure and when he laughed out loud I saw the evil I 've been waiting for and I sprang . I tore open his flesh at the throat and drank to my heart 's content . I loved the flavor of evil that I tasted - a little bitter but sweet never the less . But I had to stop still before he died . I then tore my flesh at the wrist and fed him my stolen blood . I still didn 't understand the science of this . But it worked . Who cared what the science was … this was supernatural . Then the transformation started and so did his screams . But he was soon unconscious . I may have helped that with a blow to the head . And for extra fun I let the girl go . She didn 't thank me . Well that was rude . She just ran as fast as she could . Good , a hunt for when he woke up . I waited there until I was sure that he was changed . I checked his teeth . They were nice and pointy . That was my cue to leave and watch from the shadows again . His moan signified his awakening and he slowly sat up . He would be very thirsty but what would he do about that ? His eyes had transformed too and were now jet black , cornea and all . But that would change back when he drank some blood . He looked at his hand and I suspected that it looked too close as it did to me after my transformation . A bird flew by over the third story of his mansion . But he heard it anyway . It startled him but then he saw the dried blood on his hand and sniffed it . This seemed to knock him back into reality . " Melanie ! No , no , no ! " he sprang to his feet . But he didn 't anticipate the pace . He was already on his way in her direction but he hit the doorpost and stumbled backwards . The blow shook the house . He looked at his hands again and at the blood there . And this time he liked it . This was disgusting to me because even though it was blood , it had dried up hours ago . He then smiled really wide . I could tell he loved the taste . Wait till it was fresh . Oh I was trembling with excitement . He became one with his new found speed very soon and was off to find Melanie . I followed a good way behind so he wouldn 't uncover me . He was practically flying towards the girl . She had been sitting in the police station for an hour now after telling them what had happened . But the police system was slow . It was ironic . They were busy trying to find the serial killer . But they never suspected that it was the man who just tried to kill her . Why ? Because she started the story with " My ex - boyfriend just tried to kill me ! " Her wound was still open from when Nick cut her . He saw the police station and came to a halt . I thought that he was about to wait but it was as if he figured out exactly what he became on the one minute journey here . I think he really did . He flashed inside and was out in the next second with Melanie in his arms . And then they were headed back to the mansion . Pride flashed thought me . They really do grow up so fast . I threw my head back in laughter and then followed again . " Nick , please don 't do this . " Melanie struggled and her wound that had stopped bleeding , rubbed against the straps . New warm crimson liquid gushed again and he lost control . He sunk his fangs into her throat . He made it look so delicious that I almost joined him . Within the minute she was dry and he fell backwards into the wall . He was obviously dazed . The rush that he must feel now had to be overwhelming . But then disappointment crossed his face . I understood . He was planning to enjoy the kill . All this watching was making me thirsty myself though . And the show was over so I decided to take a little break . I flitted to the door but had to come to an abrupt halt when something stood in front of me . " You … ! I remember you . You 're that lost man . What are you doing in my house ? " He said . I froze . Then he took a deep breath . Oh , oh . " That scent , it 's been following me all day , it was you . " " Hello , Nick , yes I have been . " I said . I wasn 't planning to talk to him . But I might as well since I 'm here . " How do you like your new body ? " I smiled . " Yes , but I don 't believe that you are ready for such knowledge , Nick . There are enough vampires here now . Two was enough for me . " " Is that right ? Don 't you worry , I will find out . After all , I have an eternity now . And then I will have an army . " " Isn 't life about sharing ? Why not share the joys of murder with others . In the mean time , I do have a target that I 've been setting up . Please leave my home . " Oh yes … The next target . " Well , I best leave you to it then . But trust that I will not be the one to teach you the way . " And with that comment I left . I was so thirsty . But man he was more evil than I had anticipated . Oh well . But something pained me . You see , before I was a monster I was only an average human . But I just took pure evil and made him stronger . What have I done ? My human side still called to me sometimes . But his human side was never there was it ? I should have known by the way he adjusted to the transformation so quickly . I 've turned murderers before but I hadn 't anticipated the magnitude in which this one was evil . But I haven 't seen everything yet since I was changed only less than a century ago . My daughter was still alive . It was weird that I still looked thirty and she was now ninety and in and old folks home . My wife had died long ago . After I had my fill of blood I went to the roof top that I used to watch over my daughter . She was asleep . She usually was . Oh , Cynthia , if only I could have died before you . I had stayed on the rooftop until the break of dawn and then I had to retire to the abandoned building that I stayed in the daytime . Daylight didn 't burn but it did weaken me . I then started to wonder where Nick was . Had he already made the kill of his next victim ? I listened closely . It sounded as if he was right in the middle of it . I darted out the door and straight out of town to the mansion to watch . I walk into the basement slowly now because it would be no use to hide . He already knew how to sense me . " Well won 't you take a seat then ? " I walked into the light and saw the body already half stripped of its skin . Each time he pealed back a piece of skin he lapped up the blood from the wound . He was obviously planning to take his time here . " I find that when I 'm full I can maintain a steady speed with this instead of sucking him dry before the fun . " He speculated that for a moment . " Is that right ? I didn 't realize that they had changed . I 'm not one for appearances . Though I would imagine that I have no reflection now ? " I sighed . " Not from me , my friend , not from me . " I left and went to lounge in my abandoned building again . Now that I was finished stalking Nick I only had my daughter to watch over . I would go as soon as the sun set . I sat on the roof top again when it was twilight and the shadows had covered most of the town . My daughter was just taking her pills but she was coughing violently . I sprang to my feet and went to her window in one flash . How sad it made me feel that she was dying . " Cynthia … Well I do believe that I have found my solution . " Nick said from behind me . I started . It 's been a long time since anyone 's startled me . But how did he follow me here . I didn 't even sense him . " Oh , but I think I should . Because if I wasn 't , I would have never known that you still have a loved one . Someone who I would love to kill for a certain secret you 're keeping . " " Fine , I 'll tell you . I 'm not going to risk my daughter 's life for a dumb secret . All you have to do is make the person drink your blood right before they die . " " Ni … " I started to say but he was gone . I ran after him straight into the nursing home and into my daughter 's room . But he got a good millisecond head start and they were gone . I immediately headed to his mansion . And there he was . " Why are you doing this ? I told you what you wanted to know . " Listen to me begging this newborn . I was the one that created this monster . I 'm going to have to kill him now . There were wooden things all over this room . I walked closer to him slowly with my hands up in surrender . " Please , she 's my only daughter . " " She 's old ! She was going to die anyway you idiot . She passed out on her own you know . I didn 't even have to hit her . But I 'm going to make her live forever . " " I don 't … this is just a test . Remember , you told me to test it . But I do want to have some fun first . " He said , turning the scalpel around in his hand . I dove at him and we fell to the floor . He was strong and fast but so was I . To any human watching we would be a blur . He kicked me in the chest and sent me flying into the wall . Dust fell from the ceiling . He came at me with the scalpel and stabbed it into my heart . Shit ! That hurt like hell . " That won 't kill me you fool . " I said as I yanked it out of my chest . I threw it at him . It hit him in the shoulder . He groaned and got angry . I punched him in the face and sent him reeling into a wooden chair . It broke into pieces . Winn and I were friends again . We had eventually gotten over our differences . But it had still driven me crazy for months that I loved him . I kept it to myself of course , just in case it was some kind of phase . But I hung out with him almost every day and the feelings never faded , even when he was away for a while . Despite the feelings that I knew Dustin had for me I told him how I felt about Winn . I just couldn 't keep it inside anymore . Finally he suggested that I tell Winn how I felt . Just tell him . What do you have to lose ? He 'd convinced me . But at the time I had no idea what I had to lose . It turned out to be a lot of sleep and tears . I 'd told Winn how I felt and all I got was a laugh and the friendship speech . You know , the one that goes " It 's not you , it 's me . I don 't want to ruin our friendship " . But I knew the real reason . He had just discovered girls as his new physique came in . He was doing puberty well . Every day he worked out before Parkour and Dance lessons . I had taught him some dance moves so he could keep up with the new friends he was making elsewhere . Needless to say , life was never the same . I had dedicated myself to being the best best friend ever for him . I gave him advice on how to pick up the chicks he wanted most . I also encouraged any whimsical idea he had in hopes it would be awesome . And then four years later his new friends are all he has time for as they shoot for their dreams . Don 't get me wrong , dreams are great , but … he just left us here . I 'm lucky to see him twice for the year now . But age eighteen was around the corner and I was on the brink of getting over it . I was about to meet someone who would change the image of love that I 'd had for four years . Someone who I loved even more than my first love . That man was someone I knew … but only in theory . See I 've heard a lot about him from my mother and my older brother . He was even Dustin 's older cousin . And from all the descriptions I 've heard about who they thought he was I didn 't think anything big of this man . I 'd never seen him before though he lived in my street for some time . And when I raked my memories for something , just any small glimpse or image of him I came up blank . Who was he ? I only had a blurry memory from very far away . I watched him prank Dustin by pulling his pants down on his roof for everyone to see . But that was years ago and I was too busy laughing at Dustin 's bare butt to see the person doing it . He had gone away though … abroad . Dustin and my other friends were all boys . I was somewhat of a tomboy . But I had started developing a taste for reading , lip gloss , nail polish and anything shiny and new . But all they wanted to do was play video games all day . One day I just decided that I was done with them , I just couldn 't spend another day watching FIFA be played . We had a perfectly good real football outside . So I went home and stayed there for days . I got my own basketball and played in my yard and practices my dance routines . I had vowed to never go to Dustin 's house again . Until , my little brother came home one day . He would usually update me on what the guys were doing , which was always the same thing . But then he said , I was suddenly convincing myself maybe just one more time I though . In the next second I found myself in Dustin 's living room . I just has to see who this Nathan guy was . How had everyone in the world seen him and I hadn 't . Then , from one of the bedroom emerged an olive skinned Hercules shaped body with a laptop in his hand . I stifled a gasp and then a sigh . My eyes traced up his body over his strong arms and sexy shoulders and then his eyes . He spoke and his accent from abroad doubled with his seductive voice send a shiver up my spine . There was a knock on my door and my eyes flew open . I was so deep in thought that I almost hadn 't heard it . " Come in . " I answered and watched as my mother entered my room . We had met just a few years before . Winn was always a little chubby with a big head . He had a crush on me but I was never into him . Not until we turned fourteen . He had become interested in Parkour and dancing and it was shaping his body well . One weekend we were at his house playing video games and eating pizza . The entire gang of us . There were at least ten of us cramped into Winn 's room hanging out . We seldom hung out at Winn 's because he lived the furthest so whenever we did we made an event of it with refreshments and activities . His mom would chaperone . So there we were playing Hale 3 on his Xbox when I looked over at him and caught his eye . He was staring right at me and when I looked into his eyes I felt my heart jump for the first time . It was a little scary and so confusing because just one second before I wasn 't interested in him . Then all of a sudden , bam , in love . I started to smile , then I started giggling , then - hot damn ! - I started blushing . And that was only the first instant . But it took three instances for me to give in to what I felt . The second was a few weeks after . There was a small black out in my neighborhood and the usual gang was outside . We all had decided to have an extreme game of hide and seek . Now , come on , don 't look at the words like you read that wrong . Yes extreme hide and seek at fourteen . Anyway , we start hiding and it was all fun and games until Winn and I bumped into each other . And it happened again , the starring . And yet again James was there to see us . I stood still for a moment hoping that he wouldn 't tell anyone but he was about to open his mouth . " Shut up . " I said to him as I held up my index finger to look as serious as possible . It worked because he didn 't say a word . Then I walked away as fast as I could . We were on Dustin 's balcony just sitting watching a rain storm form in the sky . Dustin was on his laptop and Winn and I were sitting side by side looking out . Then there was suddenly a tiny twister forming in the clouds . We watched as it got longer and longer headed for the ground . Then we got worried . If it touched down it would proceed to tear things apart . We were at the edge of our seats and then we were holding hands and crossing our fingers . The small twister got interrupt by some invisible force and recoiled into the clouds again . We both let out a huge breath and started laughing . Dustin heard the commotion and took his headphones out . Winn and I looked at each other and continued to laugh . I think that 's when we bother decided that we could share something together . A decision that only lasted for five minutes before we started fighting . We argued about just about everything from then on . It was weird because we still hung out every day . But it was as if everything he said to me was wrong and everything I said to him was wrong . We had become frenemies by the end of the week . And then all together we stopped hanging out . He would only hang out with Dustin if I weren 't there and vice versa for me . " How did this happen ? " Sofia asked herself as she lay on her bed . " How did my first love , first lover , man I 'm the most comfortable with and man who 's my ' man man ' become four different people ? " She put herself in a seated position to throw her hands up in frustration . Then she plopped back down on her pillow . " Ouch ! " she had forgotten her bed was so hard . As she start to dose off . The darkness of her room allowed her to get pulled into her memories . We ran upstairs together laughing . We were about to hang out on the roof as we usually did . It was a flat surface with tables and chairs and plants and only the sky over head . This may sound romantic to you , but to me , it was just another place . Everyone else had gone home for the night . Dustin and I usually hung out late though . We were best friends since we were little . But what was unusual was what was going to happen next . I sat on the rocking chair under the Chenet tree and allowed Dustin to throw himself on my lap . He put his arm around my shoulder . We liked to switch roles sometimes for no reason . Tonight was different . He was stuttering a lot and I started to notice the weird way he looked at me . And then out of nowhere , bam , a kiss . His lips were always soft , but I 'd never felt them with my lips before . I was seventeen . I hadn 't actually felt that many lips . But he had caught me off guard and suddenly everything changed . I kissed him back . For the sake of our friendship I did it . Inside , I was being ripped to shreds . My heart hurt because he kissed me as if he loved me and I knew to God that I didn 't feel the same . And this was my best friend people ! Someone I didn 't want to lose . Someone I didn 't want to hurt . Someone I thought I would lose now . The kiss finished and then came the words . But I had . I 'd always known . Around age nine , when I had started to develop my lady lumps my older brother had come to me in disgust . He had told me that his , then best friend , had told him that he ' like liked ' me . I laughed . It was ridiculous . Then at age thirteen , we had started texting each other and we started pitching around the idea of being interested in each other . I wasn 't serious though . At the time I was interested in three other guys . I was pubescent . Almost every guy was ' interesting ' . Besides my brother would never allow it . But now I was seventeen and my brother wasn 't living with us anymore . Dustin stood up from my lap and I was back to reality . He was babbling about something that I wasn 't listening to as he ran down the steps . You 'd think that he would be more mature for a nineteen year old . That was one of the reasons why I kept him in the friend zone . He didn 't want the same things I wanted from life . I stood up too and took a deep breathe . Slowly I made my way downstairs where Dustin had gone . He was in his bedroom now and his cousin , Leo , was there too . And now they were staring at me . " Sofia , can I speak to you for a moment ? " Leo asked as he pulled me out of the room . He was excited . Maybe it was because there was never anything going on around here and that this was some sort of scandal for him . " How was it ? " He didn 't answer . And he didn 't have to . " I can 't believe you ! Urg ! I could just … " I entwined my fingers and pretended to choke him . " First of all … " I put my hand on my hip , held up my index finger gave my neck a little roll . " I don 't hop and skip . And second … I expected that you wouldn 't encourage this . And I still expect that you don 't . " " But I 'm telling you that this is going to tear us apart . Just mind your own business . " I countered before I stormed off . I knew what was going to happen next and I sighed for the friendship I was about to lose … Cinderella was the story that set the idea of what love should be in my mind . But I now realize that you should never set an idea . When you truly love , it 's never a set theme . Every love is its … Continue reading → |
Sitting in his beat up old car that night , watching the train go by , John thought about why he had come back home . It had been 8 years since he left . Now 26 , John thought he had put the past behind him . As the dull clatter of the train repeated in an endless rhythm , he remembered how things used to be . This town reminded him of how alone he was . His parents had been killed in a car accident when he was 16 . He remembered how his old baby sitter , Mary or " Miss Mary " as John used to call her when he was little , took him in . She was more of a mother figure to him even before the accident . So why would he come back to face those old memories ? John had already planned on visiting his parent 's old house , but his real objective was to see her one more time . John had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years right after loosing his job . Now all alone again , he was coming home - - a failure and a sad excuse for a human being as far as he was concerned . Driving over the railroad tracks , John spotted a bar on the side of the road . It hadn 't been there before . Curiously , he stopped in to rest a bit . It had been a long drive . Upon entering , he noticed that hardly a soul was in the bar . A few were passed out at their tables or the bar . Some were watching late night on the bar 's TV . It seemed like sad , pathetic losers were welcome here . " What 'll ya have ? " grunted the bartender as John sat down . " Huh ? You 're ordering a Coke in a bar like this ? " the bartender laughed . " Not to be rude or anything , but most people order a beer or something . " " You 're a rare guy . " the bartender said with a confused look . " Here you go . " John paid the bartender and began sipping his drink . He looked around the room again at the drunken humanity . " About a year now . I tell ya , this place is going down the tubes . Almost everyone has moved away , and those that are still here are afraid to leave their houses . " " I guess that 's what happens to small towns . I grew up here . It was a much different place so many years ago . " " Excuse me . " came a voice out of nowhere . " Don 't degrade this town so much ! I happen to live here and I think it 's fine . " She was a tall , brunette bombshell . She looked as if she was in her late 20s . Her deep , blue eyes held some sort of secret . Her face looked familiar , though John couldn 't place it . " Ah , come on Lydia . " complained the bartender . " You know as well as I do that this town will be wiped off the map soon . Replaced by industry or highways . " " Oh , " he blushed , " my name 's John . I used to live here . I left about 8 years ago . Looks like the condition of this town matches my own . I feel like everyone has deserted me as well . " As John talked , Lydia couldn 't help but notice something familiar about him . Something she couldn 't quite place at the moment . She got an odd feeling when she had first laid eyes on him . She wondered if he would be the one . " Aww . . . you poor thing . Girl troubles ? " When John nodded in agreement , she continued . " I could tell . I see them come in all the time , looking the way you do . " " We may have . It 's possible . I 've been here most of my life . I don 't plan on leaving any time soon . " " There you go again Max . " sighed Lydia . " Stop being so negative . I have a feeling things will turn out all right in the end . Just wait and see . " She turned her attention to John . " So John , what brings you back home ? " " It 's a long story . I really just came back to see someone . To try and catch up . I only hope they haven 't moved . " " I 'm sure you 'll find them . " She felt sorry for him . He had the aura of a hurt and lonely little boy . She decided to put a plan into action to see if her suspicions were true . " Do you need a place to stay for the night ? You look tired . There aren 't any hotels around here worth the money . You 're more than welcome to stay at my place . " " Thanks , but I don 't want to impose . Besides , I have someone I have to find first . I don 't want to rest until I do . " " Suit yourself honey . If you change your mind , here 's my address . " She got a napkin and wrote on it , then folded it up and gave it to him . He pocketed it without looking at what she had written . " I 'll see you around . " she said as she left . " Wow . " said Max . " She 's never done that before . Most people who ask her for her address or phone number get the cold shoulder . " " I 'm it ? " John thought as he was driving away . " I wonder who she was . Am I the one she 's been looking for ? Why ? I 'm nobody . " He passed by his parent 's place , but saw that it had been leveled . All that was left now was a vacant lot . He hoped he would not find his sitter 's house in the same condition as he sped onward to find out . He had just pulled into the neighborhood where it was when his car radio 's signal began to fade . The music that was playing became nothing but static . John tried to adjust the radio , but none of the stations came in at all . As he got closer to where his sitter 's house was , a haunting tune came on , barely audible . " Go to . . . . . . . . . . . . little ba . . . . . Go . . . . sleep . . . . . . " It sounded like a haunting melody , but the words were garbled . It was odd , but that song was on every station . It was as if someone were broadcasting it . John could see that most of the houses on the street were either gone or silent . He could see his sitter 's house in the distance , and what looked like a car sitting in front . His heart raced at the thought of seeing her again . She would be old now , but surely she would remember him . His hands were cold and clammy as he pulled in next to the car . He looked up at the house and discovered that lights were on inside . It was a strange feeling . This had been the place John had so many fond memories of , but now it looked dark and gray . There was no more grass on the ground . Just patches of dirt and rock . The beautiful garden that had once been there had withered and died . It was almost like a scene from a horror movie . Still , John walked up to the house and knocked . He looked around at the brick porch and saw all the cracks and holes that abounded now . Just then , he heard footsteps coming from inside . He turned his attention to the door as it opened . " Mother . She . . . used to live here . " " Used to ? What happened ? " John prodded . A sad look crossed her face . " She died . She had a heart attack about 5 years ago . " John felt his heart sink . It was as if it had just happened . " Oh , I 'm sorry . She used to be . . . " he said , trying to block the tears . " I mean , before I left , she was . . . " They couldn 't be stopped as they rolled down his face now . " John ? Are you alright ? " She cooed to him instinctively . " Do you want to come in and talk about it ? " John nodded meekly and followed her inside . The changes were noticeable immediately . New carpeting , new paint , new everything . It wasn 't the house he remembered . Plus , it was empty of her presence . Lydia led him to the familiar kitchen area and they both sat down next to each other . " I 'm sorry , but I had all but forgotten she had a daughter . " he sniffled and wiped a few tears away . " Now I remember who you are . You see , your mother was my babysitter . " John shifted in his seat a little . " More than that , she was more of a mother to me than my own mother was . I actually lived here until I was 18 . " " But , how is this possible ? You were in college by the time I was in kindergarten . You look like you can 't be much older than me ! " " My husband was . . . abusive . " she said , looking away . John 's face showed a look of pain and anger . He couldn 't stand the idea of anyone hurting Lydia . " A drunk . He wasn 't at first , but he began drinking more and more when he found out that I couldn 't have children . He and I wanted to have a child , but being denied natural childbirth , the only way we could get one was through adoption . He wouldn 't have that . It got so bad that I had to leave him . I came back here to live with mom for a while . When you left this place , it was as if she had lost a son . " John 's feelings of guilt overwhelmed him . " She talked to me about you several times , but the last time I saw you was when you were about 8 . That 's when I found that job upstate and moved out . Mom and I never got along when I was young . We parted on bad terms . " she frowned , " You probably remember all the yelling . Dad left us when I was born , so I never knew him . After my divorce I came back to try and make things right , but she was sick . She died soon after . " " I 'm sorry . " John put his head in his hands . " It seems we both lost someone special . This place isn 't at all what I remember . Everything around here has changed so much . " " It 's odd , but everything started going sour about the time you left . It was as if the light had gone out in this town . I came back to visit from time to time , and every time I did , things seemed more and more barren . Mom lost interest in keeping up the place . She stayed in the house most of the time . " Lydia continued to lay all this on John and watching his reactions . " And I thought the world of her , but I had to leave . I couldn 't stand the memories . " Lydia showed concern . " Don 't get me wrong , not memories of her . The memories of my parents and this town . Knowing that I could never go back or have that kind of peace again . This place was my paradise . My parents were almost always gone on a business trip or just too busy to take care of me . Even before I started actually living here , I pretty much lived here . " " You really loved this place , didn 't you ? It must be terrible seeing it now . After mom died , I redecorated a bit . She wanted to keep things the way they were , but then it became my house . " " Yes , I understand . " He looked over to the living room with a longing expression . " I remember the light green shag carpeting in the living room and the smooth , green hard floor in the play room . The many mornings , before I even started school . " John closed his eyes as if trying to see the picture clearer in his mind . " I was very young and would run barefoot outside in the dew covered grass . I remember her garden and all the beautiful flowers she had growing in it . " This had often been the source of stress relief for John . A paradise lost . " Many times I would run around , playing outside , and pick a mint leaf to chew on . To this day , mint is such a comfort to me . On rainy days , I would stay inside and play board games with her . She always let me win . She sometimes would make macaroni and cheese or Spaghetti - Os for lunch and we would eat while watching our favorite game shows . You may find it odd that I can remember back this far , but I 've been coming here since I was about a year old . She even helped potty train me . " John blushed . " I adored her . She let me stay in my pajamas all day if I wanted to . Now she 's gone . I just wanted to see her one last time . " The tears began welling up again . " It sounds like you loved each other very much . " Lydia thought now that the love between her mother and John could have been deeper than her own . " I had no idea you felt this way . " She paused then looked into his eyes . " It 's no wonder that I picked you . " " I do indeed . " She looked deeper into his eyes . " There could be no other person she was talking about . " John felt himself becoming a little dizzy . " You look tired , perhaps you should go lie down . I think you 'll find your old room is still there . As per mom 's request , I left it alone . " John got up and staggered to the room . Sure enough , it was still like it was . Blue and yellow shag carpet , sky blue walls , that old familiar toy chest , the window that faced the back yard , and the bed . The bed looked a bit small , but very inviting . He found that it still had the familiar Star Wars sheets and pillowcases he loved . The only thing that could have made it more right would have been his favorite teddy that he lost when he was 10 . Taking his shoes off , he lay in the bed , looking at the stucco ceiling . Lydia came in soon after . " Everything is just as I remember it . " John said with surprise . " I can almost hear her singing that lullaby that Miss Mary would use to get me to go to sleep . " Just then , Lydia perked up and began singing . " Go to sleep you little baby . Go to sleep you little baby . . . . " " My god ! She 's singing the lullaby . " thought John , " Perfectly too . It 's almost as if . . . . " John stopped thinking about it and continued listening , getting sleepier with each word . It had always been oddly hypnotic . " Your momma 's gone away and your daddy 's gone to stay . Didn 't leave nobody but the baby . " As she sang , she moved slightly as if almost dancing . Swaying back and fourth . By the time she finished , John was quietly sleeping . Lydia smiled , and left the room , making sure to leave the door cracked just a little . She knew it 's what he wanted . The next morning , John woke up in the familiar room , not too sure what had happened or if he had been dreaming or still was dreaming . He sat up and looked around for a minute , then looked out of the window . It was still dark outside and there was now a dense fog . It was early morning , yet for some odd reason , he wasn 't still sleepy . " What 's going on here ? " John thought . " Why is it still dark outside ? What 's going on ? " He looked outside and saw the lights on a garbage truck . He could hear it moving from house to house . John felt more energetic today . He remembered what happened before with Lydia and suddenly became aware that he was wearing pajamas that he hadn 't worn since he moved out . " How did those get there ? ! " he wondered . They were a bit tight , but still fit . His old navy blue , checkered PJs with the button up top and snap up bottom . Just then , Lydia came to the door . " Good morning sleepy head ! " She grinned from ear to ear . " About time you woke up . You 've been asleep for two whole days and nights . " " Oh , you uhh . . . " She didn 't know quite how to put this . " had a little accident last night . " John looked confused . " You wet the bed sweetie . " " Don 't you remember ? " she asked . John shook his head . " I checked on you a few times . One time , I noticed that you had wet the bed . So I woke you up to change the sheets . Come to think of it , you were a little out of it . " she smiled . " I didn 't have anything else clean for you to wear , so I got you those . You didn 't seem to mind . " John didn 't quite know what to make of it . Any evidence of her story had been cleaned . He wondered if she was lying , but if she was , why ? " Wait a minute . Honey ? Sweetie ? Bed wetting ? What are you trying to pull ? I 'm not some little kid okay ? I find it hard to believe that I wet the bed . " " Well , think about it . You were asleep for two days right ? You 've got to empty your bladder somehow or it 'll burst right ? " Her logic seemed correct . John looked at the floor in deep thought . " You should also need to . . . you know . " Suddenly John 's stomach cramped terribly . He didn 't say another word and rushed off to the bathroom . A little while later , John stumbled out in search of Lydia . He found her in the kitchen making something that smelled wonderful , and oddly familiar . " Cream of Wheat . " she said with a smile . " Your favorite . " John 's mouth began to water at the thought of the buttery , salty treat he had not had in years . Not even minding the pajamas now , he sat down at the table as Lydia brought him a bowl full . " Thank you Lydia ! " he said as he inhaled the creamy substance . The taste and texture brought back full color memories of cold winter mornings when Miss Mary would make him a nice warm bowl for breakfast . He smiled the broadest smile he could while he ate . Lydia just beamed at his apparent happiness . When he was finished , he decided to get dressed . He felt better than he had in a long time . John opened the window in his bedroom to see a bright , cheery day . There were still patches of gray dirt around , but a little grass seemed to be coming in . In the garden were a few sprouts promising fruit and vegetables soon . As the day passed , John walked around the house lost in memory . He and Lydia browsed through old photo albums . Surprisingly , she seemed to be absent from them . They laughed together at the pictures of John as a baby . Wearing nothing but a diaper and with ice cream all over his face and hands . That night , Lydia made hot soup and they sat on the couch watching classic reruns on Nick at Nite . Lydia yawned and stretched out . " Hey , it 's okay . It is a bit odd for someone as old as you needing his bedding changed , but it 's also odd for you to sleep that long . Have you had irregular sleeping patterns before ? " she said with concern . " No , not really . Except for . . . " he paused , " when my girlfriend left me . " " Oh . " Lydia said leaning away . " Sorry to bring it up . " " It 's alright . It 's all over between us now . When she left me , I couldn 't sleep . I would toss and turn all night . " John tried to ignore an emotional lump in his throat . " Most nights , I would just cry myself to sleep . " " Well , there 's no shame in crying when there 's good reason . " Lydia reassured him . " Sounds like you really liked her . What happened ? If you don 't mind my asking . " " She said I was ' too needy . ' She basically never had time for me . I tried to get her to go to the movies with me or just sit down and talk , but she was always talking with her friends on the phone or going out with them . " John sighed , " I would get dragged along with her on some of her shopping sprees . I felt like a little kid , being led around by the wrist . " " Well , she left me . . . but yeah . " John rubbed his forehead . " It wasn 't working out . That 's not all it was . She also told me that I acted too childish . I like to draw and color in my spare time . It 's very comforting . I even colored in children 's coloring books sometimes . " John didn 't know why he was admitting this to her , but somehow he felt he should . " It was a way to relieve stress . She didn 't like it . She even showed her friends a few of the books I colored in . They just laughed and went on ignoring me like always . I don 't know why , but I guess I just pretended everything was fine . Then when we broke up , my world shattered . " " Why what ? " " Why you came here . " she said with a smirk . " You wanted that affection . " John just kind of blushed . " Don 't be embarrassed . Most men are children at heart and want to be cared for . They 're just scared to admit it . " John smiled and odd smile . " Heh , I 'm not . I don 't know why most men act the way they do . I think you 're right . Hey , I know you 're right . " Lydia wasn 't sure what to say . She wasn 't expecting him to say that . " Why shouldn 't I want that ? " he asked . " Now that I look back , I see that I was much happier as a child . " He sighed again and leaned back in his chair , folding his arms behind his head , " It 's just too bad you can only do it once . " Lydia smiled at his last comment . " If you could , would you go back ? I mean , would you want to go back to those days ? To be little again ? " " Yes . " John answered , looking into her eyes , in the most serious tone he could . The moment his answer left his lips , John felt a bit funny . He got up off the couch , but felt like he was being pulled down . He immediately fell back to his seat . The dizziness was making him a bit sick . If he wasn 't tired before , he sure was now . " Are you alright John ? You look a little pale . " she said , feeling is forehead . " I think you should get to bed . " John could only nod in agreement . She took his hand and pulled him up to his feet . She led him once again into his old bedroom and pulled his covers back . Once in the bed , she began singing again . " Don 't you weep pretty baby . Don 't you weep pretty baby . She 's long gone with the red shoes on . Gonna meet another lovin ' baby . " The words flowed in the same hypnotic tone they had the first time . John shuffled a bit in the bed . It felt a bit different now . Somehow it was even more comfortable . It seemed to fit him a bit better now . He snuggled up under his covers and was soon peacefully asleep . A peculiar smile crossed Lydia 's face as she exited the room . The next morning , John woke up to yet another surprise . He had been sucking his thumb in his sleep . He looked over and saw Lydia standing outside of his door looking in . He immediately removed his thumb trying to hide it . Lydia just chuckled . " Aww . . . you looked so cute sucking your thumb . " " At least I didn 't wet the bed this time . " John said , but suddenly realized the tone of his voice was much higher . " Wait . . . what ? My voice . It 's . . . " " That 's not all . " Lydia said walking over to his side . She seemed a lot bigger than he remembered . She sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed the top of his head . " You 're such a cutie ! " John just looked up at her confused . " Just go take a look in the bathroom mirror . " He got out of bed and realized just how big the bed was now . Not only that , but when he stepped off the bed , he discovered that he had left most of his clothes under his covers . He was only wearing what appeared to be an oversized version of his pajama top now . Still in an early morning haze , he stumbled to the bathroom . Everything was so much bigger now . Even the doorknobs seemed much higher than they should . He stood in the bathroom , gazing into the full - length mirror at the 10 - year - old he had become . " How in the . . . ? " He cautiously lifted his pajama shirt to see if the rest of him had shrank too . " I 'm . . . I 'm little . " It had indeed . He heard Lydia coming and quickly recovered himself . " Y - yes . " John stammered , looking at his stubby hands . It seemed like a dream . " But . . . how ? " He asked , looking up at her . She seemed beautiful before , but now she was kind of intimidating . " Sometimes it does , but let 's just say it 's a kind of magic . " Lydia winked . John put his arms down by his sides and the large opening at the neck of his PJs slid down his small frame , leaving him nude . He quickly pulled them back up in embarrassment . " Why don 't we find you some proper clothes ? " Lydia suggested . John nodded and they went back into his room . Lydia went over to the closet and pulled out proper fitting clothing . Red shorts , white T - shirt with a picture of Scooby Doo on it , underpants and socks . She quickly jerked the pajama top off of him . He tried his best to conceal his nudity . " Oh , sorry sweetie . " she apologized , " I just wanted to help you get dressed . " John quickly took the underpants and slid them on and got dressed in short order . " Aww . . . you look so cute ! " Lydia smiled . " Believe it John ! You 're a kid again ! " John looked up at Lydia , unable to hide his smile any longer . " I 've got an idea . Let 's go for a walk . " " Yeah ! " little Johnny said with gusto . She held out her hand and John grasped it as they walked outside . The scene there was completely different from before . All that was dead was alive again . The grass was green and covered in dew , the flowers were in bloom , the birds chirped , the sun was peaking out over the horizon , and all was right with the world . It was then that John noticed a mint plant growing . He stooped down , picked a leaf , and began chewing it happily . Lydia looked down at him and smiled . " You 're a rare man John . " " Don 't you mean I 'm a rare ' boy ' ? " he winked . " Yes ! " Lydia laughed . " Most men would really freak out at the sudden realization of being little again . You seem to be taking it in stride . " " Well , it 's like you said , I wanted this with all my heart . I admit it with every fiber of my being . " he stopped and looked up at her . " I truly wanted this . No regrets . " " I might as well tell you . I 'm what most people would consider a witch . " she said . John 's look of confusion turned to one of interest . " I know it 's hard to believe , but people like me exist . My mother was one , and her mother before her , and her mother before her , and so on . I 'm sure you probably guessed it . " " I kinda figured . " laughed the 10 - year - old . " It 's apparent by the way things have changed . By the way things changed when I left and how they are now back . " " Yes . My mother was actually quite old and powerful . When we get that old , sometimes our emotions over power us . In this case , her increasing loneliness caused the house and surrounding area to wither . I tried to stop it , but wasn 't strong enough . " " Because of you . " Lydia answered looking directly into John 's innocent eyes . " My mother 's spirit still resides here . It is the house , the grass , the trees , the birds , everything . Your return has rekindled an old flame . A flame that will only grow so long as you are here . " Lydia and John continued their long walk . John was in deep thought at the idea that he could have caused Miss Mary 's death . Tears began flowing down his young cheeks . " John ? " inquired Lydia . " Oh John ! Don 't . Please don 't . It wasn 't your fault . You had your own life to deal with . If anyone is to blame . . . it 's me . I was her own daughter , and I deserted her . " John sniffled , wiping away his tears . " Come on . Let 's go back in . " John nodded silently and they ventured back into the house . Over the next few days , John became more and more accustomed to being a kid . He was finally reliving his lost past . It was everything he dreamed it would be , and yet , he wanted more . Something still felt unfinished . One afternoon , Johnny walked into the living room where Lydia sat reading a book . " Miss Lydia ? " John inquired . Lydia looked up from her book , somewhat surprised that he 'd call her " Miss . " " What 's the matter John ? " she asked with concern . " Oh , John , sweetie , my mother is dead . Remember ? " Lydia realized what she said and who she just said it to after she said it . Johnny 's face became beet red and he soon began sobbing uncontrollably . Lydia ran over to comfort him . She realized that his mind was beginning to regress too . He had already forgotten about Mary 's death and was reliving the pain all over again . " Now now . It 'll be alright . " " No ! No ! " John yelled , shaking his head . " She 's gone ! She 's never coming back ! I 'll never see her again ! " John struggled free of her grip and ran towards the door . " I just need to leave ! " His adult mind began to return as he remembered that he had a car . He rushed outside only to see his car had vanished . " Where 's my car ? ! I wanna leave ! Now ! " As he said that , the sky grew dark and patches of dirt showed up within the grass . " John ! Come back in here ! " Lydia yelled . John just sat down on the porch and cried into his small hands . " She 's gone . " he sobbed . " My girlfriend is gone . My parents . . . Everyone is gone . Anyone I ever love leaves me . Miss Mary . . . she left me all alone . I 'll never see her again . " " Come on John . I 'll draw you a nice hot bubble bath . " Lydia offered . John sniffled and joined her inside . Leaving now certainly wasn 't an option . Once inside the bathroom , Johnny stripped himself of his clothing while the tub filled . He didn 't seem to be embarrassed to be nude in front of Lydia anymore . He was just silent in deep thought . Lydia offered to help , but John insisted on bathing himself . Soon after , she led him back to his room and his bed . His eyes widened with delight as he saw his old teddy bear sitting on the bed waiting for him . " Teddy ! " he yelled as he rushed up and hugged the toy for all it was worth . " Miss Lydia ! Look ! Teddy 's back ! " he said as he turned and showed her the bear . He was just as John had remembered him . Dark brown , with black button eyes , and fleecy soft fur . He continued to hug it tightly as he climbed into bed . Lydia just smiled and began softly singing as she tucked him in . " Go to sleep you little baby . Go to sleep you little baby . " John 's eyelids became heavy as he felt warm and safe . " Everybody 's gone in the cotton and the corn . Didn 't leave nobody but the baby . " Her hypnotic voice soon put little Johnny to sleep once again . Johnny opened his eyes to discover that the room seemed to have grown overnight . The bed , which had once seemed too small , now seemed too large . Even Teddy seemed to have grown . All at once , Johnny became aware of a cold , clammy situation around his mid section . He reached down and felt the wetness and instantly knew what it was . He had wet the bed . He knew now that he had shrunk , becoming even younger , but this didn 't concern him as much as letting Miss Lydia down . He knew that she would be disappointed that he had another accident . Just then , Lydia came in . " Sowwy Miss Wydia . " he said , still not concerned with his shrunken stature . " I wet the bed again . Pwease don 't be mad . I can 't hewp it ! " " J - John ? " she asked looking at his chubby face . " You do remember being older right ? " John sat in his wet bed for a moment and scratched his head . " Yeah , I wemember . Miss Mawy is gone gone . You my babysitter now ? " Lydia wasn 't quite sure what was going on . John 's mind seemed to be regressing more and more . He wasn 't supposed to get this young . That is unless he really wanted it . That 's how the spell worked . It would only regress the victim if they were willing and to whatever age they truly wanted . As she looked at his face , she realized just how helpless he had become . A true child . She also realized that this was his inner self . He looked so innocent sitting in his once again oversized clothing . He looked down and felt of the wet fabric on his bed . " You poor thing ! " she said , close to tears . " Come on . Lets get you cleaned up . I 've got some more stuff that should still fit you . " Once again she led him to the bathroom . He was quiet while she bathed him off in the warm water . He blushed a bit when she got to his reduced manhood . He tried not to laugh , but it did tickle . She noticed him smiling . " Am I tickling you Johnny ? " " Haha ! Yeah ! " he giggled . Lydia finished bathing Johnny and helped him out of the tub . When she turned to get a towel , he bolted down the hallway , stark naked and dripping wet . " Johnny ! Get back in here ! " she demanded . Johnny just laughed happily and ran through the house . Lydia looked out of the door only to see his bare cheeks round a corner . Bringing the towel with her , she gave chase . She knew he couldn 't have gone anywhere , because he turned and entered the living room . He was hiding from her . " Come out , come out wherever you are ! " She looked all over and behind the furniture . His giggling gave him away . Not to mention his bare feet sticking out from behind the couch . " Aha ! Gotcha ! " she said as she grabbed his ankles . He squealed as she ticked his stomach and finished drying him off . However , as soon as she let go to get his clothes , he was off again . This time for the back yard . His first stop was , of course , a mud puddle . Lydia walked to the sliding glass window and stood with a look of defeat on her face . He just looked at her , grinned , and splashed mud everywhere . She let out a deep sigh as she walked out to retrieve him . After yet another bath , Lydia managed to get him dry and dressed . She was upset that he ran , but couldn 't stay mad after seeing his grinning face . There was no sign of the adult that had entered her house . Only the happy child he once was . Lydia gave him a few toys to play with and sat him down in front of the TV . He played happily for a few minutes , but soon got bored and ventured outside . Lydia was in the kitchen preparing lunch when she noticed him running around through the window . The situation wouldn 't have been odd if there hadn 't been a dog playing with him . She knew that the dog could be none other than Scruffy . He was a small gray haired Scottish terrier , but had also been dead for about 20 years . " Miss Wydia ! Wook ! Ith Scwuffy ! " John lisped . Now Lydia was really confused . She didn 't have the power to bring animals back from the dead , and she knew John didn 't either . The hones " Uhh . . John ? Maybe you should come inside now . " she suggested . " I think Scruffy needs a rest . " " No ! " Johnny yelled back . " Wanna pway ! " With that , he and Scruffy ran around to the other side of the house , each trying to outrun the other . Suddenly , Scruffy ran into Johnny 's little feet causing him to fall face forward . Rather than crying , Johnny just rolled over and allowed Scruffy to lick his face . He giggled happily as he and the playful pup rolled around in wet grass . Lydia could only think of one thing that could have caused the resurrection of the pooch . Obviously her mother had more power than she originally thought . Even it death it would seem . Lydia decided to let John have his fun in the sun , despite how eerie it was . Later on in the day , the playful sounds coming from without ceased . Lydia , afraid something bad had happened , ventured outside to investigate . She called both John and Scruffy , but neither answered . Now in a more serious predicament , she pondered calling the police to report a missing child . Her mind immediately thought of the worst - case scenarios . Almost in tears , she called one last time . Still no answer . It was then that she noticed the wooden board covering the entrance to the area beneath the house had been removed . Upon further investigation , she saw little Johnny inside lying in a patch of soft dirt with the also sleeping pup cradled in his arms . Lydia let out a big sigh of relief and allowed herself a pleasing smile . Gently , she picked up Johnny from where he slept and brought him inside to the couch to continue his nap , deciding to leave the phantom dog outside for now . John awoke a while later , confused and groggy . " Scwuffy ? Where 's Scwuffy ? " he asked , rubbing his eyes . " He 's outside sleeping sweetheart . Best leave him out there for a while . I think you both exhausted each other . " Lydia then noticed the dirt traces John had left on the couch . " Looks like you need another bath . " she sighed . John sleepily agreed and soon he was in the tub again . He shook his head when Lydia tried to bathe him . " Mr . Bubble ? " Lydia asked , reaching for the bottle . " Yeah ! Bubba bath ! " he said excited . She poured the sweet smelling liquid into the bath and mixed it with her hands , then she helped Johnny into the warm water . " Sit tight . I 've got a surprise for you . " Lydia told the child . His eyes lit up upon hearing the word " surprise . " Soon she came back with John 's favorite bath toys . Among them were a few plastic boats , a rubber ducky , and a few army men . For almost half an hour , Johnny played happily in the suds . Building mountains and landscapes with the bubbles and letting the boats run through them with the army men on the back . Of course , Johnny felt that he hadn 't had nearly enough time to play once Lydia returned . " Aww ! A widdle bit wonger ? Pwease ? ! " he begged . " I don 't know . " she said looking down her nose . " Lets see those hands . " Johnny held up his tiny fingers so she could see them . " They 're awfully wrinkled . I think you had better get out before you turn into a prune ! " " Oh , alright . " Lydia laughed . " A few more minutes then . " Johnny cheered and continued his playtime . " It 's surprising what will keep a little kid entertained for so long . " she thought to herself . She was really beginning to enjoy John 's company , even though it had its scary moments . After a little while longer , Lydia once again entered the bathroom and got Johnny out of the tub . He was ready this time as the water had grown cold . He was shivering a little as she dried him off . " See why you need to get out when I say ? " " Yeah , that 's right . It 's cold isn 't it ? " she cooed . Lydia wrapped the towel around John and led him to his room . Once she began dressing him , she pulled out a Goodnights pull up . She had no idea where they came from . They were suddenly just lying there in place of his underpants . She looked in the boy 's closet , but found no underpants besides the disposable kind . Pull Ups for day and Goodnights for night . " Sorry honey , it looks like this is all I have that will fit you now . " He reluctantly agreed to wear them . He decided that he wouldn 't wear them any longer than he needed and formulated a small plan . As he walked down the hallway , he could hear the Goodnights crinkling , reminding him of his embarrassing condition . He tugged at it in an attempt to " accidentally " pull it off . " Now John , don 't do that . It 's better that you wear those anyway in case you wet the bed . " she reminded him . John just looked down , then began part of his plan . Quickly , he ran down the hall and into the living room . He began jumping around on all the furniture . The short nap he had earlier had recharged him . He made a special attempt at moving his legs in such a way that would possibly tear his Goodnights , rendering them useless . As he did so , Lydia attempted to catch him to no avail . Suddenly , Johnny forgot all about his plan to rid himself of his absorbent underpants and started a new game where he tried to keep away from Lydia . With a large grin on his face , he giggled loudly whenever she would grab for him and miss . Lydia had to admit that she was enjoying it too . She had never had a child of her own before , and she was beginning to really enjoy it . The excitement was a bit too much for little Johnny , as he soon felt a warmth spreading inside his Goodnights . He looked down and to his horror discovered that the stars on the front had disappeared , indicating that he had failed to make it to the bathroom in time . Realizing this , he began to cry . Lydia finally caught up with him . He looked up at her with his lower lip quivering . Lydia wondered what was wrong , then she too noticed the missing stars . " It 's okay Johnny . I 'm not mad at you . " she said , patting his head . " Lets go get you cleaned up and get you to bed . " She led him around to the bathroom and removed his wet Goodnights . She grabbed a tub of baby wipes that were suddenly there and began cleaning him up . Johnny sniffled a bit , but stopped crying . Then she motioned for him to step into a dry pair . He did so and she pulled them up , making sure they were comfortable . Johnny looked at Lydia then held up his arms to her . " Hold me ? " he asked meekly . She smiled and picked him up . He rubbed his nose into her shoulder and closed his eyes . She held him for a little while , and once he had fallen asleep , she placed him in bed for the night . The next few days went unhindered . Both John and Lydia seemed to be settling into their new roles . Both loving every minute of it . Lydia decided to make a trip into town with John and noticed that the rejuvenation had not only affected John and the house , but everything else as well . The air seemed cleaner . The people were out and active . There was no sign of urban decay anywhere . All the stores had reopened and the bar was gone . Lydia had no idea the depth of her mother 's power , but had an odd sense that she knew everything would be this way upon entering . She decided to get a few groceries , but Johnny had other plans . Once inside the store , he smiled and ran off . Lydia called for him , but it did no good . She knew where he was going . The toy isle . Johnny walked up and down the isle looking every toy over . He spotted some toy trucks that made noise and immediately pressed every button . He then spied a Superman action figure in a box . His eyes grew wide and mouth dropped open . Not only was it a reaction to it being a very cool toy , but the adult in him realized that it was also a rare one . This , however , was beside the point . He grabbed it and ran off to find Lydia . " K ! " he said happily . He followed Lydia around as she did the rest of her shopping . He never let the toy out of his sight . He would stop every now and again to look at it and imagine the joy it would bring as soon as he could play with it . Upon arriving home , Johnny immediately freed Superman from his plastic cell and began carrying out the usual superhero scenarios with him . It was one of the classic Mego style figures with a realistic cloth costume . Occasionally , the cape would become ripped , but Lydia would lovingly sew it back like new . Things seemed to be nearly perfect . That is until one day . Little Johnny was out playing with his Superman and Scruffy as Lydia watched from the garden . Suddenly , the toy Johnny had seemed very appealing to the dog and was snatched away from his tiny grip . Johnny yelled and gave chase causing Scruffy to become confused and run off . Lydia could see it before it happened . Scruffy ran out into the street just as a car sped by . The once dead pooch was dead once again . Johnny stood for a moment looking at the still animal lying in the street . It was still registering in his mind . " John ! John are you alright ? ! " Lydia asked as she ran up to the traumatized little boy . As soon as she touched his shoulder , he began to wail loudly . His body collapsed onto the ground as he inhaled air and exhaled scream after scream . Not knowing what else to do , Lydia picked him up and carried him into the house . " Scwuffy gone ! He 's gooooone ! Noooooo ! " he wailed over and over . The pain of loss was too great . Now his adult mind began to kick in again reminding him of how once again something he loved was taken from him . Lydia tried to calm him down but nothing seemed to be working . She finally sat in a rocking chair with him and found herself singing once again . " You 're a sweet little baby . You 're a sweet little baby . Honey in the rock and the sugar don 't stop . Gonna bring a bottle to the baby . " As she sang , Johnny became quiet . He had cried himself to sleep . Lydia just continued to rock him and hum the tune . Suddenly , he began to feel lighter in her arms . She had to readjust her arms to keep him comfortable . Then she felt a warm sensation on her stomach and realized that Johnny had wet his Pull Ups until they began to leak . Without much concern about this , she stood up and began walking back to his room . When she got up , his little shoes fell off his shrinking feet . Upon entering his room , she put him in his bed . It was then that she noticed how small he looked now . " He can 't be more than 2 or 3 years old at the most . " she thought . John 's adult memories had come back and once again given him the de " Go to sleep you little baby . Go to sleep you little baby . You and me and the devil makes three . Don 't need no other lovin ' baby . " She walked over , picked him up , and cradled him in her arms . " Go to sleep you little baby . Go to sleep you little baby . Come lay your bones on the alabaster stones and be my ever lovin ' baby . " Johnny let out a tiny coo and snuggled his face into her chest . She brought him into her bedroom and lay him down on her bed . Soon both he and she were sleeping peacefully . From then on , little Johnny and Lydia lived happily . They would play together on the living room rug in the afternoons and go for strolls outside in the garden . John had found his Paradise Lost at long last . He was truly home again . |
He was ten - years - old ; a bright , sunny child caught in a web of darkness . His world consisted of a five square mile estate situated in the wilds of Montana . A high , electrified wire fence enclosed it and was constantly patrolled by security cameras , guard dogs , and sentries . It had everything a child could want growing up : a small forest ; a large , cold lake with lots of fish , plenty of open space to run and play in , and horses to ride . He should have had the ideal childhood , but he felt as if he was missing out on something . His father gave him anything that he craved but the one thing he hungered for the most : his father 's understanding . He was loved , after a fashion , by the dark , thin man , but he also wondered , at times , why he was so fair and his father was so dark . He didn 't dare ask him , not after the first time he had , when he innocently asked if he looked like his mother . The man had flown into a cold rage and had ordered him never to speak of it again . He came to ascribe his father 's unwillingness to speak about it to his unknown mother . Whatever his mother had done , it must have hurt his father deeply , and that was why he was so cold and distant . But at times , especially late at night , around the time of early spring and his birthday , an indescribable sorrow would disturb his sleep , and he would awake suddenly to find tears streaming down his cheeks . At those times as he lay in his bed feeling the overwhelming sorrow echoing through his body , he almost hated the woman who had caused his father so much anguish . One night in budding April , he was awakened by a familiar , crushing sense of grief and frustration . Rising from his bed , he tiptoed into the corridor and started toward his father 's bedroom , hoping to offer him what comfort he could . But he soon realized that the sense of despair diminished the closer he came to the room . Puzzled , he turned around and returned to his bed . Wherever his father was , he wasn 't in his bedroom . He was probably working late , trying to overcome his deep sadness . BImmersing himself in the books that he took from the estate library , he read constantly to ease the heartache and loneliness of his daily life . There he found the love that was missing in his life . He found parental love , the love of friends and siblings , the love for animals , and the love for others in the outside world . " Good morning , Master Julian , " Nora , the latest housekeeper said briskly . She had served him breakfast for the last six months . None of the other domestics had lasted more than a month . Nora was a contradiction in terms . She was a superb housekeeper , keeping Girard 's household running smoothly , yet there was a refinement and gentility about her that spoke of a sheltered and affluent upbringing . He had heard his father 's condescending remarks on her abilities , wondering about the circumstances had reduced her to working as a housekeeper . Probably , Girard had mused , either she or her parents had lost everything , which had redounded to his benefit . " I hope you slept well last night . The cool autumn air is very conducive to a good night 's sleep . " He hadn 't slept well at all and was slightly grumpy , " I slept ok , I guess . " Glancing up at her from the corner of his eye , he peevishly asked , " Please don 't call me Master Julian , just call me Julian . " " All right , Ju - li - an , " she drawled , grinning impudently at him . At one time , Nora must have been a beautiful woman , but now in her forties with an air of resigned melancholy , she was merely pretty . Her eyes were a shade of deep green that sparkled only when she was with him ; her honey brown hair was grey at the temples and pulled back into a severe bun at the nape of her neck . She was slim almost to the point of being ethereal , as if a breath of air could blow her away . And she stood only a few inches taller than he . From the first day he had met her , she had treated him like a favored son , and she was more open to the rambunctiousness of a ten - year - old boy than all the other housekeepers put together . Since Nora had arrived , his life had become a little brighter . Unable to stop , he grinned back at her . " What are your plans for today ? " she asked . " Oh , the usual : classes , exercising , and practicing , " he droned , making a face . " After I 'm through with my work , would you like to run with me ? Mister Girard has given me permission to run around the grounds . " On his way to the library that was also his office , Girard had heard voices coming from the dining room and stopped just outside the room to listen to Julian chatting with Nora . She was vaguely familiar , but he couldn 't place where he had seen her . He would remember some day . For now , she seemed good for the boy and kept him happy and relaxed , something he couldn 't do himself . One pleasant aspect of running daily with Nora was that the boy really got to know her . They spoke of their lives , Jacob initiating it by asking her where she was from . She looked pensive for a few seconds then shook her head . " I don 't really know , " she said , her melancholy deepening around her . " You don 't know ? Why ? Did your family travel a lot ? " " Not that I know of . I have no memory of my former life . I don 't know where I was born . " " Wow ! " he exclaimed , " You don 't remember anything ? " She shook her head . He couldn 't imagine not knowing who you were or where you were born . " I was born in New York City , " he boasted . " Uh huh , they thought I was dead . . . and I guess I was pretty close . Nobody seemed to know a thing about me . And I certainly wasn 't much help . October 10th , 1989 , the day I was found , is the day I began my present life . " Chuckling , she added , " I guess you could call it my birthday . " " Hey , that 's my birthday too . Why didn 't you tell me ? " " Oh sure , but I didn 't have the money for a complete search . And , " she stared distantly into the sky , " I don 't know if I really wanted to find out who I am . " Frowning , she looked back down at him . " Every time I did , I had this feeling of dread . I guess I 'm afraid to find out . . . I think there are some things that I don 't want to remember . . . I don 't know if I 'll ever find out who I am . " She shrugged defensively , " Anyway , I drifted away from the little town after working a couple of years to pay off my medical bills , moved around a lot , took any job I could find , and was recommended to your father by one of my former employers . And here I am . " Crossing her arms over her waist , she remarked , " My life hasn 't made much sense until now . I felt like I was searching for something . " Then she smiled brilliantly at him . " But now I 'm here , and I have you to take care of and that feels right . " She was silent for several minutes . Then taking a deep breath , she said , " Maybe I do . They told me that I 'd had a child not long before they found me . Maybe something bad happened to them and that 's why I can 't remember or don 't want to remember . But I 'll never know until I do , " she said sadly . " I don 't . After I woke up , I spent a lot of time watching old movies on tv . One of my favorites was the ' Thin Man ' movies . Nick and Nora Charles . So I took the name of Nora Charles . " " My father won 't speak of her . I think she hurt him very badly before she died . Sometimes I get the oddest feelings of sorrow , and I know they 're not mine . I think I 'm kinda tuned into his emotions . " He shrugged , " Something like that . " " I don 't think so , " he said , shaking his head . " He 's not a very forgiving person , but hey , you know what ? " he said brightly , as if he had just now thought of it , " For the last month or so , I haven 't had those weird feelings . Maybe he 's getting over it . " Leaning her cheek against the top of his head , she said , " And I love you , but let 's not tell your father , ok ? I don 't think he would like it . And don 't tell him anything I 've told you . It 's our secret . " He nodded . " I know he wouldn 't . It 's funny ; he doesn 't seem to love me very much , but he sure gets jealous when I show an interest in anyone else . We 'll have to careful . " Tousling his hair , she smiled at him , " Well , let 's finish our jog . I 've got some chocolate cookies and milk that have your name on them . " She took off like a jackrabbit . " Yours are the best , " he hollered as he shot after her . On his tenth birthday Julian Girard discovered his father 's greatest secret . It wasn 't that he didn 't have other secrets ; his entire life was a mystery . And to be truthful , the child didn 't even know his father 's real name . He changed his name as often as he changed his residence , and in this area the man once known as Gabriel went by the name Damien Girard . Many times Julian was sent from the library when his father met with strange men . That night after the extravagant and overblown party , the child had awakened once again to the familiar feeling of lost hope and regret . Once more , the feeling faded the closer he approached his father 's bedroom . Determined , this time , to find where the feelings were coming from , he followed them until he was stopped by a drape - covered wall . Putting his ear to it , he could hear someone moving ; it sounded like pacing . There was someone behind that barrier ! But he could find no access to what was obviously a hidden room . Softly , he rapped on the wall and the movements immediately stopped . " Who 's there ? " he asked . " Can I help you ? " " It is not safe for you , " was the barely audible answer . He wasn 't quite sure , but he thought that the individual was a man . " Let me get my father , " he offered . " It was all right , " he answered , as he returned her smile . Smearing jelly on his toast , he commented , " But I really didn 't know many of the kids that were here . " He was seated at the head of the table this morning , not in his usual chair at the side of the table . Ordinarily Girard sat there when he ate breakfast , but today he was meeting with his business partners , and like all young boys , Julian liked to pretend that he was the boss . " Oh , that 's too bad . It 's much more fun when you have family and good friends around you , " she said . " Yeah , " he glumly agreed . Then his face brightened , " Can we run again today ? If you 're not too busy , that is . " " Surely , " she replied . Watching her return to the kitchen for his breakfast of bacon and eggs , sunny - side up , he couldn 't keep from wondering about her past and her apparent acceptance of the situation . If he was ever in the position to find out who she was , he would do it for her and also to satisfy his curiosity . After the late night meeting with the individual behind the wall , the feelings of grief had stopped . He believed that the person was making an effort to keep him from sensing his sorrow . Whenever he could , Julian investigated the covered wall but could find no way to open it . There must be an entrance somewhere , he reasoned . He determined to find it because he wanted to confront the individual about the statements that had been made about his father . Why should he want to kill that man ? Just because he found out ? It didn 't make any sense . It took him a while , but finally on one of his father 's business trips he found the entrance to the secret wing of the mansion . As he was jogging with Nora , he noticed that the house was bigger than he thought . Funny that he had never seen that before , but then he wasn 't looking for it . There was a whole section that looked empty . From what he could see , the windows were covered with bars on the outside and drapes on the inside . And that section of the house was also surrounded by several trees , making it easy for people to overlook it . Many times when he had been outside , he 'd had the weird feeling that he was being watched . When he would look back at the mansion , he could see no one . Now he thought he knew the identity of the watcher . With renewed determination , Julian thoroughly searched the outside of the mansion but still found no entrance . Not being one to give up easily , he reasoned that if there wasn 't an outside entrance then the access to the secret wing had to be inside . Continuing that reasoning , he decided that the entry had to be on the first floor or in the basement , possibly in the wine cellar where he was forbidden to go . Putting his plan into action , he made it a priority to be friendly with the guards that manned the security office , much to Nora 's disapproval . There weren 't many of the guards that she liked . His father paid no attention to what he did with his free time , being interested only in how well he was doing in his classes . In any event the two day guards , Manny Cervino and George Mason , came to expect Julian popping into the office any time of the day . He usually prattled on about his schoolwork and the projects he had been given . He told them that he had been assigned the project of mapping the entire house so they shouldn 't be too surprised to find him in areas that he had never frequented . He confined most of the searching to the days that his father was gone . After searching the first floor and finding nothing , he was positive that the entryway had to be in the basement . When Nora asked him what he was doing , he told her the same story he had told Manny and George . In doing so , he had discovered that there was a secret wing to the residence and he was trying to find the entrance . He hated being less than truthful with her but didn 't want to involve her in his schemes just yet . " I 've looked everywhere but in the basement . It has to be there . " It took several attempts before he was successful in finding the door to the secret wing , but at last , his diligence paid off . He had thoroughly explored the basement proper , even the surveillance office , and found nothing . That left the wine cellar . Telling Nora that he was going to check the wine cellar , he carefully searched it , and behind a stack of crates , he found what he was looking for . As he pushed on the heavy , reinforced door , he noticed the two heavy - duty locks that fastened it . " Darn ! " he muttered , another roadblock , and whacked the door , without thinking . " Ow , " he cried , shaking his throbbing hand ; he hadn 't meant to hit it that hard . Bummed out and deep in thought , he trudged back upstairs . The problem now was how to get the keys that opened the door . Julian knew that his father kept a set of keys in the wall safe that could open any lock in the house . But he had no way of getting them . Still , he would find a way and he did . If he had only known , he would have realized that he was as stubborn as his mother had been when she was trying to bring some lowlife to justice . What he needed to do first was to learn the combination to the safe . He had always spent a lot of his time in the library reading , but now as he pretended to read , he unobtrusively watched whenever the safe was opened . The simplicity of the combination stunned him : it was the date of his birth . He knew he was only a ten - year - old boy and could not pull this meeting off by himself . The only person he knew that might help him was Nora . He found her in the kitchen going over the dinner menu with the cook , Philippe . She glanced up to see him enter the room and raised a questioning eyebrow . " May I see you when you 're through , Nora ? " Jogging slowly until they were warmed up , they didn 't speak any more until they were close to some trees . " What is it , Julian ? " She had noticed the child 's sober expression when he approached her in the kitchen . Waiting until they were completely out of sight behind the trees , he told her of the middle of the night meeting with the man behind the wall , of the locked door he had found , and how he felt compelled to learn the identity of the man . " Julian , " she cautioned him , " this is a very serious thing you propose to do . Why would Mister Girard keep someone locked up like that ? Maybe the man was stringing you along . There must be a good reason for that door being locked . He might be insane or something like that . " " I know , but I have to find out . " " This man could be dangerous . What if you open the door and he tries to escape ? Have you thought about that ? Have you thought of what you will tell your father ? And what about the man ? You may put him in jeopardy if you continue . " " I 've thought about all that . There 's just something that tells me that I have to do this , and I am finally able to do it . Please , Nora , I 've just got to . " What was there about this child that had caught her heartstrings so much that she would do anything for him ? Unable to answer that question , she took a deep breath and agreed . " All right , but we 've got to be very careful . With all the cameras in the house , it will be extremely difficult to go sneaking around . We need to make a plan . " She took a deep breath , " You know , of course , when we do this , I will have to disappear immediately . Your father will never forgive me for helping you to meet this man . " Nora wondered why she was even thinking of doing this , putting a good job and herself at risk . She had no answer except that Julian wanted her help . " I know , Nora , and that 's the only thing that bothers me about this whole affair ; I don 't want to lose you . I - I don 't think he would do anything to me , " he said pensively , toeing the dirt with his left sneaker , " but I 'm afraid of what he might do to you when he finds out . You 'll have to be far away from here when he does . " He shrugged . " I don 't know . He may be pleased that I figured it out on my own , or he may be angry that I discovered one of his secrets . I 'll just have to wait and see . " " I don 't know , but I have the feeling that time is running out for him and for me . He 's someone very important in my life , but I can 't explain how I know that . And I know that my father won 't tell me anything about this man . I tried asking about my mother once , and he flew into a terrible rage . I think he doesn 't want me to know anything about my past . " " We 'll talk more later , but right now we need to finish our run , " Nora said . " We can 't spend too much time out of sight . " Together , hand - in - hand , they circled the estate . That night as she was turning down the covers of his bed , he was a little boy again dealing with something he didn 't understand , not the intrepid detective of this afternoon , and he needed the feel of loving arms surrounding him . " Nora , can I have a hug ? " " Why of course , honey . Anytime . " Her sheltering arms closed around him , and he breathed in her reassuring scent , knowing without understanding that she would be there for him , always . That for some unknown reason , she had committed herself to his welfare . He loved her all the more for that . Reaching up , he kissed her on the cheek . " Oh Julian , " she said , fingering the spot where his lips had rested . Returning the kiss , she said , " It 's time for you to go to bed , honey . Sleep well . " Turning from him , she stumbled out of his room and down the hall , her hand pressed to her mouth as tears trickled down her cheeks . At moments like this , the loss of her child hit her hardest even though she would never admit it to anyone . She imagined that her child would be like Julian : tall , strong , and so smart . Suddenly the black fear that had not assaulted her for years descended over her , choking her with its darkness , and she could barely breathe . She fled into the darkness of her room and threw herself on the bed , burrowing beneath the covers , hiding until the dread faded away . Later that week his father was holding a meeting out on the terrace with some strange foreign men that the child had never seen before . Not wanting to leave his guests , Girard asked the boy to get a file from his desk . The safe was open , but Julian knew without a doubt that he was being filmed by the camera on the far wall . The older he got the more he felt like a prisoner in his own home . They would have to find someway to neutralize the guard in the security office , he thought . He picked up the necessary file and raced back to the terrace . With a nod , his father took the file from him . " I believe it is time for your history lessons . " " Yes , he will be a great asset to me when he grows up , " his father answered . " Already he has the instincts of a born leader . He will follow me into the business and , I think , outstrip me . My son is a very extraordinary boy . " " You have no idea how extraordinary my son is , " Girard answered coldly . He thought how the boy was tied to him through bonds of dependency and filial love , not that he was able to return that love , for how can you love another when you can 't love yourself . His son would be a force to reckon with when fully grown . He could hardly wait . When the boy was fully capable of living on his own without the need of the bond , he would kill the natural father of his son , thereby cementing his claim to the child . For now the man was safely locked away until that time . " But let 's get back to work , " he said , returning to the present . As Julian walked away , his father 's cold , proud voice faded into silence . To go into his father 's business was the dream of every boy or so he thought , but he wasn 't sure that he wanted to follow in Girard 's footsteps . There was just something about the business that bothered him . Girard had been invited to the governor 's birthday party that evening , and though he usually didn 't attend such functions , he felt that it would be politic of him to go to this one . It was a fine art with him to avoid publicity and his face was not well known . The unpleasantness in New York that resulted in the acquisition of his son required several millions to keep his name out of the case files and the newspapers , but the money used was infinitesimal compared to the wealth he had accumulated . His fortune exceeded that of the richest men by a quantum amount . It would be early in the morning before Girard came home as the governor 's parties were noted for being all night affairs , and that would give Julian the opportunity to sneak into the basement after his father and Pope had left . Waiting an hour after the two men had departed , and after bidding Nora a good night and receiving a hug and a kiss , he made a show of going into his room and closing the door . Then he heard Nora go into the kitchen to put her part of the plan into action . Every night she took a pot of fresh coffee - - as only she could make - - down to the security office to help the two guards stay awake through the long night . Only this time there were sleeping pills dissolved in the hot drink . It would take about thirty minutes for the guards to succumb to the pills . Silence descended in the house , and then he heard Nora 's soft rap on his door . * * * * * When Nora entered the office ostensibly to find out if the coffee was as good as usual , but in reality to see if the guards were still awake , they were slumped in their chairs , snoring slightly . This night the many cameras throughout the house would have no one to keep an eye on them . She reached over and turned off the monitors . Julian was already in the library when she returned upstairs . She chided him on his eagerness to open the wall safe . " I know , but I thought that it would be safe . " Quickly he opened the wall safe and grabbed the keys . He had done it ; he had set out to accomplish a deed and had succeeded with no hint of trouble so far . Closing and locking the safe ( in case someone might come into the library ) they returned to the kitchen . Assured by Julian that he would be safe - that the man meant him no harm - - Nora stayed in the kitchen to act as a lookout while Julian went below to speak with the man . The child hurried into the wine cellar , and in his eagerness he fumbled with the keys and dropped them . With a frustrated sigh , he picked them up and opened the locks as quickly as he could . Protesting with a loud squeak , the door swung inward after a hefty push . When his eyes had adjusted to the soft light , he was shocked to find a giant of a man standing before him , his hands on his hips . Julian had his first look at the man who was his true father . The man was covered from head to foot with a black cloak , with the hood pulled forward so that he could only see the glimmer of sharp blue eyes . His shoulders were grasped as the man knelt before him , keeping his face well hidden . " Child , child , " he pleaded , " listen to me . " Earnestly , the cloaked man gently shook him . " It is not safe here for you . You must go and forget about me . " " Why ? Who are you ? Why are you locked up in here ? " Julian was desperate to understand and almost frantic with curiosity . The man shook his head , saying nothing . " Why are you hiding from me ? " the child asked . Clenching his fists , the cloaked man rose and turned away from the child who was his son . How could he satisfy the child 's curiosity without revealing who or what he was ? The man who had stolen his son from him had thoroughly convinced him that if he ever revealed himself to the boy that both of them would be killed . Vincent had learned early in Jacob 's life , his name for his son , that when it came to threats , that Girard / Gabriel was a man of his words . " I always cover myself when anyone comes , " his unknown father informed him , removing the heavy black cloak and revealing a powerfully built physique . Julian had never seen anyone like him . The man towered over him , making him feel small and helpless ; yet he felt no fear of the stranger . He noticed that he had the same color of hair as his own : golden as ripe wheat . Broad shouldered with muscled legs , he was the exact opposite of his father who was thin and craggy . And the man had the same blue eyes as Julian . There was a kindness in those eyes that he had only seen in Nora 's . Kindness and a strange kind of eagerness that faded as he gazed at him . The man 's shoulder sagged slightly . Pulling himself up as tall as he could , the child nodded his head emphatically . " But what 's your name ? " " I cannot tell you that . " " Yes , " Vincent replied , relieved that the child seemed to have run out of questions about him . " I have all the comforts of home , " he added wryly . " I want for nothing materially . " Spiritually and emotionally , it was another matter . Suddenly , Julian asked , " Why don 't you escape ? There doesn 't seem to be much to keep you here . " Nora , fearing that Julian had lost track of time , hurried to the wine cellar and found the entrance to the secret wing slightly ajar . She stopped to listen outside the door and heard a voice that caught at her heart with its beauty . She shook herself back to normal and , knocking , said , " Julian , it 's late ; you had better come now . " Pushing with all her might , the door swung open to reveal a man with the face of a lion standing behind Julian , facing her . She froze and stared at him . He stumbled back a step or two , his hand pressed over his heart . His eyes were round with shock , and his mouth opened and closed several times before he croaked , " C . . . Catherine ? It is you ? " He had watched her and Julian jog around the estate grounds , thinking how much she resembled his dead love . Vincent couldn 't believe his eyes . For a few seconds he simply stared at her crumpled form , lying just inside the doorway . Then with a harsh gasp , he rushed to her side . He picked her up and cradled her to his chest . " It can 't be you . You 're dead , " he babbled as a tiny spark of hope blazed up in his heart . Then he thought of the one thing that would prove that it was truly Catherine . Pushing the hair back from her left temple , he found what he hoped to find but didn 't expect : the scar , the one she had left as a memorial of their meeting . " Oh , it is you ; it is you . " He pulled her limp body tighter against him and rained kisses on her eyes , cheeks , and brow , and then with reverent thanksgiving , he kissed her lips as he had longed to do for many long , long years . " Yes , " Vincent choked out , " but I thought her dead these many years . " Defiantly , he looked up at Julian , who was hovering over the pair . " By your so - called father , " he spat . Nora / Catherine began to stir . Opening her eyes , she sought the eyes that she had dreamed of for ten years and found them peering lovingly into hers . Shakily , her hand rose to caress his cheek , " Oh , I 've dreamed of you for so long . Only now do I know why . I remember , Vincent , I remember . " She began to sob and clung to him as if she would never let him go . Sitting back on his heels , he rocked her back and forth , letting her weep away ten years of frustration and fear , grateful to all the powers that be that he held his heart and life in his arms . At last , the sobs came to an end and she smiled mistily at him . " Dare I say it , Vincent , or will everything vanish like the dreams I 've had for so many years ? " " I love you , I love you , " she cried as she raised her face to his for another kiss , instantly addicted to them . She had known it would be that way when she first knew that she loved him . Suddenly a thought darkened her eyes with concern , and she asked , " Did you find our son ? " " Julian ? " He nodded . " Oh Vincent , " she wailed , " That monster has had him all these years . " Sitting up but remaining in Vincent 's tight hold , she smiled tremulously and held her hand out , beckoning to her son . " Julian , come here . " " No , " she shuddered . " I never really knew him . I met him only once . . . when he took you away from me on the night that I died . " " I don 't understand . " This was more than he had expected . To solve a mystery was all he had desired , but now to be told that his mother was alive , and that he was not who he thought he was . . . was more than he could assimilate at the moment . " Why would he want to take me away from you and then kill you ? He could have had any kid he wanted . He 's rich and powerful enough , " he protested , pulling his hand from hers and retreating until he stood with his back pressed firmly against the wall . Her hand felt so empty without his warmth pressed in it . " True but no other child has the father that you have . " With this statement , her eyes met Vincent 's sober blue orbs . " You mean that he 's not my father ? If he 's not , then who is ? " His eyes grew wide with astonishment as he understood what she meant . " No ! " he exclaimed as he slid down the wall to sit in stunned amazement . " Lion ? " In silence he assimilated the shocking news about his father . Then in a bewildered tone , he said , " I 've always felt different than what my father - I guess I can 't call him that any more - Girard wanted me to feel . I thought it was a failure on my part . " Suddenly , it seemed so right . He had felt more love from the leonine man in the short time he had been with him than in all the ten years of his life with his f . . . Girard . Wearily he shook his head , grimacing a smile at them . " I always wondered why we looked so different . Now I know . When we first met , Lion . . . I mean , Vincent , I saw that we had the same color of hair and eyes , but I didn 't think anything of it . I thought I must look like my mother . " It sounded so strange to be called son by another man , but the child found that he rather liked it . He felt Vincent was a man of honor and principles . Having him for a father might not be so bad after all . Julian noticed a startling change in Nora . Gazing up at Vincent , she was suddenly transformed . Her love gave her a glow , and he thought that he had never seen her look so beautiful . His erstwhile father had been coldly polite to the few women who had ever been in his company . And Julian had never witnessed such open affection between adults . The child smiled as it warmed him , thinking , " Julian ? " His mother held her hand out to him again , and this time he gladly came to her to be enfolded in loving arms that had long been empty and had yearned for this very thing . Vincent cradled both of them in a loving embrace . By the grace of God and all the angels , he had his family back . He would never ask for more . Ever the practical one , Nora / Catherine asked , " What do we do ? " Julian spoke up , " I guess we find a way to get away from here . " He needed her calm assurance and held onto her right hand . " Now that I 've learned that I 'm not his son , I don 't think any of us are safe . " Vincent couldn 't bear the thought of being separated from her and kept an arm around her , putting his other arm around his son . Girard had returned earlier than was expected and discovered , almost expecting it , that neither Nora nor Julian was in their rooms asleep . Of late , he had become suspicious of the relationship between his son and the housekeeper . It was interfering with the way he wanted the boy raised . He needed to overcome his genes and natural inclination to gentleness . She was fostering a softness in the child that he would not allow , and he could see that Julian was beginning to care for her . The child simply could not be allowed to love anyone but him . But in his arrogance he had never imagined that Julian would do anything behind his back . After all , the child was aware of the consequences if he did . Calling Pope , he proceeded to look for them and , not finding them anywhere in the house , had a sudden feeling of disaster . Could Julian have found Vincent ? Could he be with him now ? He hurried to the library , took a handgun out of the concealed gun cabinet , and motioned Pope to follow him quietly . Pope checked the Ruger that he always carried in his shoulder holster , readying it for use . Noticing that the observation cameras were turned off , they went to the security office first . Furious at finding the surveillance personnel asleep at the posts , Girard thought to put and end to them but held back , thinking that the sound of the shots would tip off his intended victims . But he would take great pleasure in killing the sleeping guards after he had put an end to two and possibly three serious problems . Girard found them deep in a serious discussion seated around the kitchen table in Vincent 's prison , discussing their escape plans . Three stunned pairs of eyes stared at him as he casually opened the door . " Ah , here you are , " he said conversationally , " I was wondering where you were . " Smiling nastily , he looked at each one in turn . His eyes returned to Nora , " Well , " he purred , " I see that you 've regained your memory . Now I know who you are : Catherine Chandler . I knew I had seen you somewhere before . You 've aged quite a bit , Catherine . And not very gently , at that , " he added maliciously . " I thought that I had killed you . " Julian jumped up and stood in front of his mother , trying to protect her . " No , father , you can 't , " he exclaimed . " I won 't let you . " " Get him , " Gabriel shouted , recoiling as Vincent barreled into him , carrying him to the floor with the force of his leap . The dark man 's head hit the floor , stunning him . Leaping to his feet , Vincent took a direct shot in the chest before breaking Pope 's neck . As the assassin fell limply to the floor , the gun slipped out of his hand , falling to the floor in front of Catherine . Surreptitiously she picked it up , hiding it in her skirt , then she rushed to kneel at Vincent 's side with Julian beside her . " Love ? " the man scoffed . " Love is for weaklings . It only gets you hurt . I need obedience and willingness : two things you cannot give me now . " While Gabriel was speaking , Catherine had eased the firearm into a position where she could shoot him . Pushing Julian to the floor , she fired once and struck Gabriel in the forehead , killing him instantly . She turned back to Vincent , all thought of the other man gone from her mind . " But he 's dead , and if we can get the maps , we can destroy them , " Catherine said , thinking of what they could do . She smiled at him , " Let 's go home , Vincent . " He agreed with a short nod . " I think I have an idea of where they are . " Jacob looked to his parents for their reaction . " If they were that important to him , they would be in the safe . I can get them easily . " " Leave them . I don 't think anyone knows about this part of the house , " Catherine replied . " Let 's get your wound bandaged and then Julian and I will get the maps and destroy them . We 'll need money . I 've got some in the bank , but I can 't get to it until tomorrow . " Catherine and Julian quickly raced up the stairs and into the library , while Vincent slowly followed . Numb with all that had happened , he submitted to Catherine 's ministrations . He waited in the estate kitchen until they returned from the library . It was hard to believe after all these years , but he was free . And he would do everything in his power to see that he remained so , Catherine and Jacob , too . As the last tumbler clicked into place , Julian pulled the safe door open . Girard always kept a minimum of a million dollars in the safe to be used in his illegal operations . Stuffing the money into a briefcase found beside the desk , Julian examined every piece of paper in the safe and found the maps to the tunnels . He folded them into the briefcase , closed it and , without a backward glance , marched from the room with his mother beside him . He was running on sheer adrenaline and hadn 't yet assimilated everything that had happened tonight . As soon as they entered the kitchen , Vincent was up and out of his chair , taking Catherine into his arms again . The need to hold her and reassure himself that she was truly alive was overpowering . Embarrassed , Julian looked away from his parents . There was something in him that told him that they truly were his mother and father . But he was not accustomed to such overtly displayed signs of affection . Catherine was surprised but grateful at Vincent 's open expressions of love ; it was such a change from what she remembered . Extricating herself from his arms , she pushed him into a chair and sat down beside him . Julian sat opposite them . " We need to come up with a plan to get out of here . " " Vincent can 't go through the gate ; so we have to find a weakness - if there is any - in the fence . " Catherine sat silently for a few seconds , tracing circles on the table top with her index finger . " The best time would be when they are changing shifts . There is some confusion then . Where would be the best place to try it ? " she asked Julian . " There 's a spot by the lake that isn 't fully covered by the guards . It 's by the north bay . I found it during one of the exercises that my . . . he assigned me in tactical warfare . " " He started you young , didn 't he ? " Catherine said bitterly . " He wanted to warp your personality so that you 'd be like him . " " You know , Nora . . . " He had trouble thinking of her in any other way . " I don 't think he could , " the child said pensively . " There 's something in me that made me question everything that he was trying to teach me . " " You can ? " Julian asked amazed . " I see pretty well in the dark , myself , " he boasted . Like father , like son , he thought . " Ok , here 's what we 'll do , " Catherine said . " You two go over the fence . I 'm counting on you to do it . " " I 'll go through the gate as early as I can in the morning . It just so happens that Gabriel was hosting a dinner party tonight ; so , it won 't raise any suspicions when I go into town for supplies . I 'll pick you up on the road that goes by the lake . Does that sound all right to you ? " " Oh , you 're going to make me cry if you keep that up , " Catherine wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand , becoming all business again . " You had better get going , " she said , rising and walking to the outside door . Shutting off the lights , Julian slipped outside . Vincent hugged her and , with a " Be careful , " followed his son into the dark . Catherine stood beside the door , listening for the dogs to begin barking . Amazingly , there were only a few yips . Then she remembered Vincent 's ability with animals , and she was sure that he had sent them swiftly back to their unsuspecting masters . * * * * * To help pass the time , she packed a few things for Julian in a small suitcase . Since she would have had to leave anyway , she had packed a suitcase a few days ago . Stepping over the bodies with hardly a thought to them , she found Vincent 's clothes and a duffel bag in his room . Packing some of his things in the bag , she put the suitcase , the bag , and the money - filled briefcase in the trunk of the nondescript four - door sedan that she always used when she went to town . Then nervously she settled down to wait for the hour of their deliverance . Before long , the daily help began to arrive from the nearby town . No one but Gabriel , Pope , Julian , and herself were allowed to live in the house . The guards lived in a large dormitory building situated in the far end of the estate . She ordered the servants not to disturb the Master as he 'd had a very late night and would be sleeping late . And they were not to disturb Mister Pope either . As she had given these orders before , they were accepted without question , and the servants quietly went about their work . They knew better than to interrupt the Master 's rest . She also told them that Julian was not feeling well , and that she would take his breakfast to him . As soon as she could , she announced that she was going to town for supplies . Outwardly , she seemed her same brusque businesslike self but , inwardly , her stomach was twisted in knots . Everything depended on getting out of the estate with no suspicion attached to her . At the gate she slowed down to allow Howard , the gate guard , to let her out . " Hi ya , Miss Nora , " he said . " Going to town ? It 's a bit early for you , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , but Mister Girard is having a special dinner this evening , and I need to get the supplies as soon as possible . You know Philippe : he 's going ballistic . It 's a wonder you haven 't heard his screaming all the way here . " As she started to roll up the window , she asked , " Do you guys need anything ? " " Nah . I don 't think so . " Then he hollered , as she started away , " Hey , wait a minute . Can you get me a carton of cigarettes ? You know my brand . " When he had yelled at her to stop , her heart almost stood still . Craning her neck out the side window , she said in what she hoped was a normal voice , " Yeah . Marlboros ? " " Will do . " She waved and gunned the car down the dusty road . Gripping the steering wheel tightly , she waited for someone to take a shot at the automobile . When nothing happened , she breathed a sigh of relief . After she turned onto the main county road and was out of sight , she pulled over to the side of the road . She was shaking so badly that her hands were beating a tattoo on the steering wheel . Resting her head on the wheel , she took several deep breaths , calming herself . Julian and Vincent should be waiting for her by the lake . It had been a quiet morning so she was fairly certain that they would be there . When she approached the bay of the lake , Julian stepped out of the underbrush followed by Vincent . Her son clambered into the passenger seat while Vincent stretched out , as much as he could , on the back seat , covering himself with his cloak . With a triumphant smile at Julian , she floored the gas pedal and they disappeared in a cloud of dust . Catherine stopped the car about a mile from town , and Vincent and Julian scurried into a small patch of woods with dense underbrush . Her next stop was the bank where she withdrew all her savings , and it was then on to the supermarket to stock up for the long drive ahead of them . Her plan was to get as far away from the estate as they possibly could and then to buy another automobile . Filling the trunk with a variety of nonperishables and setting a cooler with fruit and drinks on the floor of the backseat , she returned to the small copse of trees and picked up her men . Later that afternoon , the police received a call stating that Mr . Girard , his son , and his assistant and secretary , Pope , were missing . Since it was Girard whose whereabouts were unknown , they immediately came out to the manor . Bates , the head of security told them that he had expected to find his employer in his bedroom as the housekeeper had informed the house staff that he was sleeping and should not be disturbed . But to his surprise when he finally opened the door , he found an empty room . Pope 's room was empty also , and the child was nowhere to be found . At that moment , the two security specialists stumbled upstairs , bleary - eyed and confused , never knowing how close they had come to dying at the hands of a disgruntled employer . The last thing they remembered was drinking a cup of Nora 's freshly brewed coffee . Making a more thorough search of the house , the combined forces found the bodies in the previously unknown extension to the manor house : one had been shot and the other had his neck broken . They had also discovered bigger mysteries than the two bodies . After forensics had finished with their investigation , they had discovered that the housekeeper was in reality Catherine Chandler , who had been reported to have been murdered ten years ago . Girard was really a shadowy underworld figure known previously as Stefan Gabriel and his son was actually the offspring of the Chandler woman and the strange unknown man with odd fingerprints , who had been kept a prisoner in the extension for an unknown amount of time . No one in Girard 's employ had known of his existence . It was a mystery that was never solved and no one was ever prosecuted for the deaths of the two men . To pass the dreary hours of travel , Catherine told Julian of his long line of ancestors stretching back to the Revolutionary War and further back to their Welsh ancestors . She noted the eagerness of his questions about his ancestors and answered them to the best of her knowledge . He was beginning to have a sense of pride about himself that he had never felt before . When Catherine had related all that she knew , Vincent recited the history of the tunnels and his story . Then together they told him their tale and all that had led up to his conception and the imprisonment of both his parents . He learned of the dreadful things that his so - called father had done before and after his birth , and he was glad that none of the blood of that pitiless , evil man ran in his veins . By the time they reached New York , he knew who he was and his place in both worlds , infinitely proud of both . After arriving safely in New York , Vincent directed them to an old , seldom used ( ten years ago ) entrance . Relieved , he noticed that it appeared to be in constant use now . Vincent and Julian , now called Jacob , ducked immediately through the doorway . With a final glance at the blue sky visible between the roofs of the two warehouses , Catherine followed the only blue that meant anything to her : Vincent 's eyes . The abandoned SUV was soon a gutted and useless mass of metal , recognizable as a vehicle only by its shape . The trail of the fugitives ended abruptly in the warehouse district of the great city . A minor bureaucratic storm ensued , which involved an astounded Joe Maxwell and Jenny Aronson in the search for the friend they thought they had lost . Cathy alive ? And with a son ? But they were unable to tell the authorities the identity of the man . Their hopes were raised only to be dashed when no trace of the trio was ever found . Knowing how resourceful she could be , they had to content themselves with the belief that , wherever she was , she was safe . What happened below the streets of New York no one knows . Was there a tearful reunion of Vincent and his tunnel family that included the unlooked for but dearly loved Catherine and Jacob ? Or were the tunnels empty , dark and desolate , devoid of light ? Will we ever know ? Only if they choose to tell us . But those among us who know their story prefer to believe that somewhere they are healthy and content , living the happy life that had long been denied them , safe from all who could bring them harm . |
For many centuries there was a power many beings had searched for called The Power of Fraizar . The power was locked away inside Merion , the homeland of the goddesses floating in the sky land and sealed tightly hidden from the world by the goddess of light , Reliya . Reliya watched over the mystic artifact , which was a staff that could alter or even steal the power of the goddess 's for themselves . As more and more came to try and steal the artifact , Reliya finally had enough . She took the staff and hid it deep within the mountains in a temple in a land called Delis . To ensure that no one could find it , she enclosed the temple and put a sealing spell on the chamber doors . Only allowing the one with the purest heart to open the doors Carina wanted to use the power to bring down Merion . She wanted to exact revenge on the other goddesses for banning her from their homeland . She passed the barrier that shrouded the temple , but was stopped shortly by Reliya . Reliya stood firmly and in sheer anger , Carina attacked her . The two began to battle and the sheer force of their power shook the entire land of Delis . Finally , after one last attempt , Reliya unleashed a devastating attack , destroying Carina , as well as herself . Their powers scattered through the land of Delis . The power of Carina , merged with a young baby boy and the power of Reliya merged with a baby girl . Later on in life , the two infants grew into fine young teens . . . . . . Speaking to herself as if trying to convince herself that she was committing no wrongdoing , a girl was perched on a rock next to a wide stream . Ever since she had been forced to admit that she couldn 't swim , she was trying to get more comfortable around water . In secret , of course . Right now she was desperately late for her own party , but she was determined to at least touch the water before going . Just a tiny thrill , and then she 'd run as fast as she could do the party . She leaned down carefully and trailed her fingertip along the cool water , her anxiety fading as she smiled . Well this really wasn 't so bad , was it ? Maybe next time she might even wade in a couple of inches . Suddenly she saw something reflected in the water . It startled her so badly that she squealed and slipped , falling in . The water wasn 't even deep enough to fully plunge her under , but thanks to a few moments of panicked flailing , she was drenched . By the time she realized that she could stand up and walk out , she was thoroughly embarrassed and wringing out her dress . " Oh , wonderful . . " she muttered to herself , looking down . Her dress was a soft silk that tied around her neck before falling to a deep neckline . The design was odd , with an opening over her belly that led to a flaired mini skirt . In the back the dress had another layer that went down to the backs of her knees . It was sort of like wearing an open robe over a skirt , she supposed , but her mother was very proud of it . The draping sleeves she had been squealing with excitement over just last night . Personally , the variety of orange shades was nice enough , but the design was strange . Why show off her body when it was just a birthday party ? It 's not like she had anybody to impress . She wasn 't being forced on a suitor yet and she would rather run with the boys than flirt with them anyway . Her curly white hair was dripping from the pigtails she had it pulled in , and she had to wipe her face dry as she ran toward home . She looked all around with her golden orange eyes , alert for any sign of movment . If Takuya saw her now , he 'd never let her live it down . She hadn 't even told him what she was doing with the water . " Please dry , please dry . . " she whispered to herself , wringing herself out as much as she could and patting the fabric down to get rid of the inevitable wrinkles . Her side hurt from where she had fallen , and after a little while she glanced down to see a spreading dark spot . " Uh oh , " she said , peeking under her dress just above her hip to see a rock had managed to get the best of her . At least it wasn 't deep . Quickly she detached the flower pin from her hair and put it on the dress instead , then nodded to herself and kept running . As long as her mother had no idea that she was injured or had been out ' messing around ' , everything would be just fine . Sliding around the corner of the building after she had made it back in town , she ducked into her bedroom and fixed her appearance as much as she could in the mirror . Thank goodness silk was fast drying , but her hair was still damp . She 'd have to go with the I - just - got - out - of - the - bath excuse if her mother questioned it , she decided . back . Today was such a beautiful day . The sun was bright , the wind was cooling and he lived a normal life like any other teenager would . Takuya placed his left hand over his mouth as he yawned . Even though the day was good , he was still bored . He really wanted something to do or else he would have died from boredom . The sound of water could be heard splashing loudly but he ignored it , jumping off the roof of his house . He landed on his left knee swiftly and as he stood upright , he was greeted by his mother . " Takuya , there is a letter here for you . Its from your friend , seems she is having a party and wants you to come . " His mother chuckled a little as she turned away . " You know Takuya , I think that that little girl is jsut the cutest ! She would make a perfect girlfriend to keep you company . " His mother said , as she giggled . Takuya felt his cheeks burn with a blush . He had no idea why she was implying that he dated . " Come on , mom ! " He responded , cheeks as red as blood . It was somewhat a pain , but hey , that was the way his mother was . Always trying to get him to find a girlfriend . But , in all honesty , he did have feelings for his friend . In any case ! He wasn 't going to tell her that ! No way , never in a million years ! He shook his head after his mother disappeared back into the house . Takuya looked down at the blue envelope that he held in his right hand and turned it over several times . Finally , after a few more moments , he opened the envelope and pulled out the card . It was the invitation to Seray 's party . The blush escaped his cheeks as he read the directions on how to get to the party . After fully examining it , he headed out of his front yard and took a right , then headed down the rocky path that lead to Seray 's house . He was only 19 , but he still loved to do many things that he did , when he was younger . He liked to take the rocky path because he always passed the little river and look into it as he walked by . Takuya placed his hands behind his head as the river came into view and he smiled , as he looked over at it . The lake wasn 't deep at all . It could be called a kiddie pool if anything . But , something was a little off . In the center of the lake he could see a girl . She had leaned forward to touch the water , then slipped in . She stood up and began to wringe out her dress . Takuya dropped his hands and rushed over to the girl . " Hey are you al - " He stopped in mid - sentence and he came to a stop two feet away from her . He had realized who it was now . " Seray ? " He said , curiously as he stared at the girl . # 3 Seray had given up on her appearance and ran out the door when she suddenly had to stop . There was Takuya , looking confused . Had he seen her fall in ? She sighed and a faint blush touched her pale cheeks , but she took his arm and pulled him along with her down the street . " We can talk later . For now , move it ! My mother 's going to slit my throat for being so late , " she said mournfully , prodding him along to follow her as she finally came to a stop in front of the building she was supposed to be in an hour ago . She took a deep breath and turned to him , giving him a smile . " By the way , I 'm glad you made it Takuya . It wouldn 't be a party without you , " she said , then pulled the door open and ushered him inside in front of her so that she would have an extra moment of freedom to hide before her mother caught sight of her . " Seray ! Oh , darling , there you are ! " her mother trilled out , sweeping up her daughter into a hug . Seray winced and hugged back a little , her hand pressed to the flower that she had concealing the cut from earlier . " Where in the world have you been ? " her mother hissed quietly in her ear . Fumbling for an excuse , she came up with nothing but a stutter before her mother pulled away and eyed her . " Why are you all wet ? " she asked , bewildered . " Bath , " Seray lied quickly , then smiled and slipped off to ' mingle with her guests ' . She immediately made her way back to Takuya after scooping up a plate of food . Offering it to him as she munched a random snack with barely a glance at it , she eyed him curiously . Had he seen her ? Probably . Looking back over her shoulder , she saw her mother talking to another woman that she knew for a fact had a handsome son that was looking for a bride . She also knew for a fact that he was a bore and never laughed . I wasn 't too long after he had extended his hand to help Seray up , as she pulled him by the arm , dragging him down the street . His eyes widened as he blanked twice . " H - hey wait a minute ! " He yelled out , but it was in vain . Seray dragged him along the path like a rag doll and he felt abused if anything . Why exactly was she panicking ? He overheard her say something about her mother killing her if she was any later for her party . A bead of sweat formed on the back of Takuya 's head . He was pretty sure that her mother wouldn 't go as far as to try to kill her if she was late for her own party . If anything , wasn 't it still good to be late , than to never show up ? Takuya managed to pick up the paced enough to run side by side with her . She couldn 't to rant on and on with a worried look on her face and Takuya let out a slight sigh . " Listen , I 'm sure you 're mother won 't be mad if you came la - " He was cut of by the sound of Seray 's mother 's voice . When she looked at Seray , in suprise , he looked away , behind him , at a couple of cats with an annoyed look and twitching left eyebrow . I hope she doesn 't think I have anything to do with this . He thought to himself . He could feel the tension start to build up and he didn 't want to see what fury Seray 's mother would whip up . He looked back towards the two and walked inside Seray 's house with his hands behind his head and smiled at Seray 's mother as he walked past her . It wasn 't more than a few minutes after he was in the house , that Seray was clinging to his arm , pleading with him . " What do you want me to do ? " He gave Seray an annoyed stare as his left eyebrow twitched again . But , the worried and scared look she gave him was too much . He was probably going to regret it later , but he grasped her left wrist with his right hand and lead her out the door . Her mother was greeting the guest , so they had a clear shot at getting out of the house . After they had made a dash to and out the door as Takuya lead the way , Takuya stopped and looked back at Seray . " Well , I managed to get you out of the house . Now what are you going to do now ? " He asked , curiously . # 5 Waiting for Takuya to snap out of whatever train of thought he was in when he stared at her , a faint frown crossing her features . He looked upset with her , somehow . Had something happened to him earlier or something ? She was about to ask , but then he led her outside and she was preoccupied with running out with him . Nobody had even seen them leave , but she was sure to catch hell for that later . It hadn 't really been what she had in mind since she 'd have to sneak back in through the back door in a few minutes , but at least now she had an opportunity to question him uninterrupted . " What 's wrong with you ? " she asked , tilting her head as he asked her what she was going to do now . " You 're acting really strange , as if you 've never spent time with me before or something . Just because my mother managed to force me into this outfit doesn 't change who I am , " she said , a bit miffed that he was being so distant with her out of nowhere . The sound of footsteps made her quickly step aside into the shadows on the side of the building , and sure enough her mother came out and looked all around . Not seeing her daughter , she huffed and eyed Takuya , then went back in . Seray put her hand over her lips to keep from laughing , her eyes dancing with amusement as she tugged him gently out of sight the second the older woman was gone . Once they were hidden , she simply crossed her arms and waited for a response , curious and mildly frustrated . Takuya looked back at Seray , who was frowning at him . Uh oh . . . . that was the last thing that he wanted to happen . His actions had gotten him into trouble and he was sure that he had hurt Seray 's feelings . He looked at her then smiled , sweetly . " Nothing is wrong Seray , I apologize for being so - " Once again he was cut off , not by talking , but by Seray 's quick dash into the shadows side the house . There was only one explanation for it , her mother , He averted his eyes away from the spot Seray hid and looked at her mother . She locked eyes with Takuya and gave him a glare as if she knew , A woman 's intuition was sometimes scary to him . Especially when Seray did it to him . She could easily read him like a book . So she could tell if he lied about something , or if he was telling the truth . He sighed and looked down , only to look back up as group of older woman made their way out of the house . Takuya 's eyes widened , If they knew that the two of them had sneaked out of the house during the party , they would have notified Seray 's mother . He remembered the whippings she used to give the two of them when they were kids for palying in the mud . Although Takuya wasn 't here real son , she still treated him like one . The worst part of it was , his mother was absolutely fine with it ! Even though he was much to old for whippings , the memories still made him shudder , slightly . A minute before the woman spotted him , he felt a tug on his left arm and he was dragged into the shadows . He blushed hard as he stood close to Seray . She was giggling as she covered her hand and Takuya only looked down at her with a suprised expression , speechless and with his face heated up . Seray put a single finger over Takuya 's lips to ensure that he stayed silent , but she wasn 't even really looking at him . Instead , her eyes were following the group of old ladies . Friends of her mother 's , no doubt , and probably all here with sons . Despite Seray 's pleading to be able to skip the whole marriage idea , her mother had pressed forward until her daughter agreed . However , she had only agreed on the terms that she could choose who and when as long as it was within a few years . It had only been a few weeks and already her mother was throwing guys at her left and right . What good was a handsome face and a wealthy family if they just didn 't get along ? She had denied every single one so far and had no plans to stop . Watching the old ladies fan themselves and talk about the food , she waited in perfect silence and didn 't move an inch until they trudged back inside . That was when she finally looked up at Takuya and took her finger away . " You keep staring at me like that and you 're going to make me think my mother conned you into being a suitor , " she complained , though she was only teasing . Takuya would never look at her that way , it was silly to even consider . " Come on , tell me what 's wrong before I go in there and tell my mother that you kidnapped me just to watch you get a beating , " she threatened lightly , giving him a sweet smile . She waited for him to respond for a few moments , but then she heard the start of singing inside . Oh , her mother was going to flay them , both alive ! Quickly she grabbed Takuya 's hand and raced around to the back door , hauling him inside behind her before she released him and quickly straightened herself out . Glancing him over to make sure he didn 't look too disheveled - all the while trying not to laugh at his expression - she made her way into the main room right as people really go into the song . She was standing in the middle of the room before her mother even realized that she hadn 't been there . Crisis averted . Once the song was over and everybody clapped , she gave a small curtsy and began thanking people for coming . It wasn 't long before she managed to edge over to Takuya again , avoiding her mother who was speaking to yet another young man . " So , I 'm going to need a hand opening presents later after everybody leaves . You know how Mother doesn 't let me do it until I 'm alone because it 's rude or something . You want to help me out ? " she asked softly , giving him another smile as she continued to wonder what in the world he was thinking . Takuya maintained his blush as Seray put her finger on his lips . As much as he wanted to move , he couldn 't . Seray had him pinned against the house . She averted her attention away from him and watched as the women walked passed them . He looked over towards them as well and another bead of sweat formed on the sides of his head . He felt like a one of those guys in the movies . The one 's who kidnapped the girl and held her hostage . Except , he was the one being held hostage instead . Once the woman were back inside Seray and him looked back at each other . " W - what are you talking about ? ! Theres ' no way I would even think about - " Takuya stopped ass she talked about her mother giving him another beating . He shuddered a little . When she smiled at him , he just stared at her more . Seray was so bright and happy . Honestly , he admired that about her . But , of course , he wouldn 't " say " that . There was absolutely no way she looked at him in that way . He wouldn 't even waist his breathe to get laughed at . Soon after , he could hear singing . Seray turned her attention away from her and then pulled him by the arm and dragged him from the darkness and into the house . His eyes widen again and yet another bead of sweat formed on the back of his head . It was really strange how Seray could pull him so easily . Once they were inside , his face expression went back to normal , and he stood upright , firmly next to Seray . Her mother looked back at them and a slight nervous feeling kicked in his guts . He was ready for her to scold or even threaten to give him a beating for their disappearance . Instead , she only looked back at the cake and Seray made her way towards it , then blew out the candles . The people clapped and she bowed , thanking everyone for attending her party . Takuya placed his left hand on his hi as his eyes slanted . He smiled a little and straightened his face when Seray made her way up to him and asked him a question . Once she was finished , he spoke in a low tone , so that the only person who could hear was Seray . " Sure , I don 't have anything else to do . " # 9 Seray smiled up at Takuya delightedly as he told her that he would help her after the party , but before she could respond , her mother had come up behind her and was taking her arm . All smiles and never one to put on a bad show to anybody outside the family , her mother guided her over to the young man she had been chatting up earlier . Seray didn 't even have the option of squirming away before she was being introduced to ' Duke ' . Seriously ? What kind of name was that ? It sounded like a name she would give a dog . Still , she was polite and managed to smile as he told her that her mother had ever - so - kindly told him all about her . ' I 'm sure it was all lies . . ' Seray thought to herself , managing to make some aimless comment that sounded half decent so that her mother could cut in and make sure the conversation went smoothly . " I 'm sorry , what ? " she said distractedly , having no idea why her mother was looking at her as if expecting a response . " I was just telling Duke how much you would love to visit his estate during his holiday , " her mother said , her eyes shooting daggers . Seray wanted to protest , but she forced another smile and nodded . It was only then that his ' holiday ' was apparently this week and he was going to expect her to show up for dinner tomorrow evening . She blinked a few times and started wishing really hard that Duke would start hating her right then and there , but by the time the conversation ended , he seemed rather pleased . " A pleasure to meet you , " Seray said , excusing herself to go mingle with her guests so that she could get away . She was so distraught over the entire stupid situation that she didn 't even speak to anybody on her way through the crowd . Instead , she just went out the back door and sat on the steps , sighing to herself and looking down at her hands as she waited for everybody to leave so that this torture could be over . No doubt her mother would have an earful for her later . Something else to look forward to , she thought with a frown . Seray was all to happy that he had just agreed to help her open presents . She smiled at him and He smiled back . After what seemed like minutes on end , Takuya was about to speak until Seray 's mother came over and grabbed her by the arm , then smiled and dragged her over to some guy . Takuya watched as they talked . Honestly , the guy whom Seray talked to didn 't look all that cool . More nerdy if anything . Was Seray Really going to date THAT guy ? Its not as if he was jealous or or anything ! Still though , she could do better than him . She would have a better chance being with him - Takuya shook his head and blinked , twice . He did not just think that thought , did he ? Ugh ! Why did he even bother ! ? Its not like he would care if she wanted too . It was her life , she could talk to whoever and do whatever she wanted too . He turned away from then and walked over to a window on the left side opposite of where the other three stood . He propped his elbows up on the panel then placed his chin on his palms . He looked out at the trees across the street and his eyes lowered . Takuya had grown up with Seray . They would always go to the park and build sand castles as kids and even buy each other candy . But , as they began getting older , he slowly stopped taking an interest in those things . He sighed , then looked down at the plain blue panel . He really didn 't want to be there while she talked to that guy . Even though he didn 't show it , he really did enjoy spending time with Seray . If she were to marry that guy , then he wouldn 't be able to see her anymore . He honestly didn 't want that . But , he had no control over what her mother felt was best for her . All he could do was suck up his pride and accept that she may be leaving . But , it was a sad thought , because she was one of the closet people to him . He turned around and leaned back on his elbows on the panel . , waiting for Seray to finish talking . For some reason , Seray found her eyes filling with tears as she sat there on the back steps , keeping her gaze turned downward so that nobody would wander up and realize something was wrong . Nothing seemed to be right anymore . She didn 't want to go to Duke 's estate and have dinner - there was no point since she already knew what would happen . He would be perfectly polite and charming and wonderful , just like all the others . She would have nothing to truly complain about and her mother would push on another visit , and he 'd probably try to kiss her or ask her to come visit him at home when he was back from his ' holiday ' . All she could see happening was getting forced into marriage with this guy - somebody she couldn 't see herself even being friends with , much less being in love with . She felt hopeless , like her future was done and she had nothing to say about it , no control over what would happen . " I expect you home by nightfall , " her mother suddenly said behind her , but that was all she said before she was gone . Seray didn 't bother responding . People were starting to leave , finally , so she waited until her eyes were dry before standing up and making her way back inside . She looked around , then went over to Takuya and gave him a small smile . " Glad to see you haven 't bailed on me yet . I was worried that you might have left , " she admitted quietly as she looked up at him . Takuya had been so engulfed in his own thoughts , that he didn 't notice Seray walk through the crowd . He blinked twice and looked around . She was no where in sight . Takuya began to worry a little . He should have been paying more attention . Normally , she would come up to him with a witty remark about how he looked emo for being in deep thought . But , she disappeared , in the crowd . Takuya made his way through the crowd , searching for Seray wherever he thought she may be . He checked by the presents , no luck . Takuya looked around other parts of the house . After he was done , he made his way back to the living room with the big crowd and drooped his head with a bead of sweat . It was a pain to him . Where could she have run off too ? His left eyebrow twitched . It was annoying searching for Seray , because she never kept still . She was always on the move and always tended to disappear when he least expected it . He raised up and closed his eyes , sighing heavily as he started giving up hope of finding her . He opened his eyes , when he heard Seray 's voice . " Yeah , I 'm still here . " He looked away with his eyes closed . Seray hesitated uncertainly as Takuya gave her a short response and looked away . He had barely even met her gaze before closing his eyes again , and she was concerned . Had she done something bad ? She didn 't think that she had offended him but he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with her right now . That hurt a lot more than it should , probably because she was so emotional over everything that had happened with Duke and her mother . She looked down , lower lip quivering for a moment before she regained control of her senses . There was no way she was going to break down and cry in front of him right now . He probably wouldn 't even understand . It 's not like he 'd care about her getting married anyway . They were just friends and marriage wouldn 't change that , so he shouldn 't even be concerned . " Well . . Good . . " she finally said , her voice unsure for a moment as she tried to figure out why he was acting like some depressive emo kid . " If you 're still willing to stay and help , I 'd really appreciate it , " she added , giving him a hopeful smile since she really didn 't want him to have changed his mind . People were leaving in large groups now since the party was basically over , and soon the building was empty except for the pair of them . A lot of snacks and drinks were left , plus the pile of gifts and some confetti on the floor . She waited for some sort of response , debating between fidgeting like an anxious girl or smacking him until he came to his senses . Takuya found himself acting cold towards Seray once again . Its not like she cared anyway , after all , she had the other guy to keep her company . But , he could feel a sort of tension build between them . Its not like he wanted to do that her , it just happened . Takuya opened his eyes and looked down at seray . He could see her lip quivering . He wasn 't sure why she was so sad and upset . She should have been happy . Happy that she was getting married to that guy . The thought didn 't sit well with him . " He shook his head as Seray spoke . Yes , something was definitely wrong . He didn 't like seeing Seray this way . He spoke softly , as he held out his left hand . " Seray , lets go for a walk . " He smiled at her . Hopefully , the walk would make her feel better . Something felt off about her . It was as if he could feel her emotions . By the looks of it , seems that she didn 't want to marry that guy either . It was more like she was being forced against her will . Takuya lowered his hand for a brief moment then looked down , before raising his head again and grabbing her left hand with his right hand and leading her out the front door . He could care less about what Seray 's mother had to say at the moment . All he knew was that he wanted to be alone with Seray , so that he could talk to her . Nodding in agreement as he offered to go for a walk with her , she took his hand and automatically laced her fingers through his just as they always had as children . They used to be inseparable , what had happened to them ? It was like he barely wanted to be around her at times , but a minute later it seemed like he did and that he was enjoying himself . The changes left her confused and disoriented , and she wished things could just go back to how they should be . As they walked to the front door and outside , she glanced either way down the street . It was mostly deserted and nobody paid them the least bit of attention , which meant that her mother hadn 't left anybody to make sure Seray didn 't do anything ' stupid and inappropriate ' . Good . " Will you tell me what 's wrong , please ? Did I do something or say something wrong ? I know I didn 't spend a lot of time with you at the party but my mother had other ideas of who I should be in company with , " she finally said as they took a familiar path away from the buildings and into the calm of the woods . This was where she had come from after falling in the stream , and hardly anybody came this way . She was so worried that he was upset with her and she really wanted to fix it . That was what she figured he wanted to walk with her for , was to talk . Hopefully , anyway . " Takuya . . " she said softly , stopping her steps and looking up at him uncertainly . Takuya stopped at the same time as Seray . As she questioned him , he turned to face her placing his index finger of his free hand on her lips , before speaking again . " I don 't know why , but I can 't stand the fact that you guys will be getting married , I can 't explain it . All I know is that I don 't want you to marry whoever that guy is . You can do much better than that . I would just as much rather marry you myself . Not because of jealousy , but I think that I may really like you , Seray . # 17 Seray fell silent as his finger touched her lips , looking up at him patiently . Well , at least she was trying to be patient . As he started speaking , she was completely lost until she realized that he was talking about Duke . Before she could point out that she wasn 't even engaged or being officially courted by the man , Takuya had gone on to say that she could do better . She wanted to argue , but he had continued on again and she was left staring at him in shock . He . . Liked her ? Enough to have a problem with her getting married ? She had never thought that he would even care if she married and moved away as long as she wrote him the occasional letter or something . Lately he had been so cold and distant . . Was this why ? " T - Takuya . . " she stuttered , pulling his finger away gently as a blush colored her pale cheeks . At first she didn 't know what to say , but then she knew that she had to tell him the truth . " His name is Duke , and we 're not getting married if I can help it . All he wanted was dinner tomorrow evening and it 'll probably be awful and I 'll have nobody to talk to about what a bore he is , " she explained quietly , then smiled a little and looked down at her hands nervously . " And . . um . . I 've really liked you for a really long time now . . " she added , peeking up at him , still blushing . " Seray ! " her mother 's voice called out , clearly hunting for her daughter . Seray jumped and quickly looked back up the path but there was no sign of the agitated woman yet . No doubt she had gone back to see how the clean up was going , only to find her missing . Trying not to laugh since she suddenly felt rather giddy and excitable , Seray looked back up at Takuya with a smile and tilted her head . Takuya looked at Seray with a surprised look and a blush . She had just admitted that she liked him too and now he felt a nervousness in this pit of his stomach . He had let down his tough - guy look and allowed Seray to see the more sweeter side of him . That was something that he didn 't want to happen but it did . Takuya watched her , as she looked down at her fingers and blushed . He was completely oblivious to the fact that Seray had those types of feelings for him . She was also right . If she were to marry that Duke guy , she would be gone forever . Takuya was more than glad to hear she was not going to be marrying him . On the other hand , what would her mother say to it ? He was more than sure , that Seray 's mother wouldn 't like the sound of her denying the person that she wanted her to be hitched with . Still , that wasn 't really fair to Seray . Takuya didn 't like to see Seray being forced to do things against her will . Even if it was none of his business , Seray was more happy at home where she had grown up . " Seray ! " The sound of her mother could be heard from the house . Takuya could not allow them to be spotted . He didn 't want Seray to get into an trouble . He began thinking of a way to keep Seray out of trouble , until Seray 's voice broke his train of thought . " Run away with me . " Seray said to him , in a soft tone . He looked at her as his blush disappeared . She couldn 't have been serious . Then again , Seray always did come up with crazy plans . Usually , they ended up getting beatings for them . But , that was when they were kids . Now , they were both teenagers . They could make their own decisions and not get in trouble . Takuya turned around to completely face Seray with a serious look . " Seray , there is no point in running away . We have no place to go , as well as no food or water . But , you are older now . You shold tell your mother that you don 't want to marry Duke and that you are much happier here at home . There is no point in hiding what you truly feel . Keep quiet forever and that will only be a door mate for people to walk over you . IO understand completely that she is your mother , and I am not saying to disrespect her in anyway . Just to let her know your feelings on her forcing you to marry . " Takuya said , as he placed his hands on Seray 's shoulders . # 19 Seray watched Takuya 's expressions closely and knew that he was going to say no before he even spoke . As he did begin speaking , she nodded slightly . He was right , of course . It was silly to run away from her problems and assume that they 'd be fine since she had plenty of savings . She knew that - it had been her wilder side speaking , she supposed . Looking down for a moment , she sighed silently , then nodded again and looked up at him . " You 're right . I 'm sorry , that was silly to even say . I just wante - " she began , but was cut off by a voice she really didn 't want to hear again . " Seray ! " her mother exclaimed as she walked into sight of the pair . She was clearly furious about having to hunt down her own daughter , and annoyed to find her just standing around instead of doing what she was supposed to . " Can I not leave you alone for even five minutes and trust you to do a simple chore without you running off to do Heaven knows what ? You are nineteen years old now and had better start acting like a lady ! No more running around with random boys who have nothing to offer you , " she went on , one hand on her hip as she eyed Takuya dismissively before turning her gaze back on her own daughter . " Mother ! " Seray gasped in shock , but her mother didn 't pause to listen . " Hush , Seray . Go do what you 're told and stop pretending that you 're a child . You 're betrothed , for Heaven 's sake , " she exclaimed , and Seray froze . " What did you just say ? " she managed , but her mother was already ushering her back up the path toward the house to clean up the mess , all the while chittering about ' irresponsible females ' and ' rude children ' . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . 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Five years ago today , we learned our son had died inside me at 25 weeks and 2 days pregnant . The days , weeks and months that followed were the most difficult of my life . The story that follows is my son 's birth story . I wrote this originally on a blog I set up to document the next steps in my journey to heal and become a mother , not really knowing where the road would lead . At the time , I shared it with a handful of people in my family and supportive moms from The Bump , but today I am sharing it with anyone who feels they would like to read it . Instead of thinking about a clever post to mark this day , I thought the best way to honor him would be to simply share his story . Unlike adult death , people rarely talk about the death of a child because it upsets the natural balance of life . Babies are not supposed to die . Most people cannot deal with the thought so they shy away from it , or run away as quickly as they can . This is long and it will be raw . I 'm not going back to edit it so I 'm sure you will find many mistakes . As I mentioned in my Friday post , I wrote this a few days after he was born through a tear - filled haze . I 'm lucky my brain was still functioning enough at that point to type at all . I needed sleeping pills to fall asleep and get through the nights without nightmares . I had panic attacks where I would hyperventilate . I was broken and I wasn 't sure I would ever be able to put myself back together . The other thing I am doing for the first time here is that I 'm going to share photos of Alexander . They are further down in the article so if you don 't want to see them , stop reading now . Some of these photos were taken by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that works with hospitals ( I think around the country ) to take photos of babies in transition ( that will soon pass ) or babies that have been stillborn . The other photos I know you may be thinking that photographing such a thing is morbid . I know you may think it 's wrong . You are welcome to your opinion . But know this , these are all the photos that I will ever have of my son . There are no pictures of him growing each month of his first year , no smash cake photos , no pictures of us on vacation and no picture of him with his younger siblings . This is it . We had less than one day to build a lifetime of memories and I will not apologize for that day or for photographing it . I needed to write this down before I started to forget . This story won 't make me look like a saint , in my thoughts or actions , there is one part in particular concerning my husband , Kevin , that I will always regret . This story may be a little convoluted , especially once I was admitted to L & D for delivery . It won 't be grammatically correct in every single sentence nor will it have perfect spelling throughout , so if this annoys you then brace yourself . This is my story of my life with Alexander as I remember it . It will have as much detail as I can retain in this moment and hopefully as much emotion as a written word can convey . It will be long , but nothing worth telling is worth giving an abbreviated version of . My son , Alexander James Q , was born still Monday , June 20 , 2011 at 2 : 18 p . m . He was 12 . 5 inches long and 1 lbs 9 oz . He was my world . He was my third pregnancy and after two losses in 2010 , I really thought 2011 would be our year . Needless to say , this was not the case . His heart stopped beating the morning of June 19 at 25 weeks and 2 days . Alexander was a very active baby . Even though I had an anterior placenta I started feeling regular movement at about 17 weeks and 4 days . I had gotten random pops earlier , but week 17 is when I noticed him every single day , and it made me so incredibly happy . I thought he would be our take home baby even though I didn 't see myself giving birth in September . The week before he died we had reach viability stage with him . At about 24 weeks is when most doctor 's will try and save a baby because they can make it on the outside world after that , although it is very far from optimal . The week to 24 weeks felt so long and then once we reached it , the week to week 25 felt even longer . For some reason I had such an odd feeling happening on the inside . I felt like we weren 't going to make it to 26 weeks for some reason , but I wrote the feeling off as fear , at first . The pregnancy had been emotionally and mentally difficult for me . Physically I was fine with the nausea in first trimester , felt happy when my boobs ached from the hormones and even when sleeping became uncomfortable I just chalked it up to practice for the long nights after he was born . However , in the second half of 2010 we had learned I had a clotting / folic acid absorption issue called MTHFR . At first I could never remember the acronym , but then my sister - in - law mentioned that her friend had it and they called it motherf * cker . To me it seemed it literally was because I blamed it , and so did my doctor , for my two earlier losses . In December we started seeing a Reproductive Endocronologist and he did more testing on me . He took 15 vials of blood and tested me for everything under the sun . I came back with two other issues - borderline thrombophillia and high levels of natural killer cells . Thrombophillia is another blood clotting disorder and the killer cells are the cell that literally kill diseases in your body . Mine were trying to kill my children and without treatment the chance to carry a baby to term is said to be about 20 % , according to various web articles . While waiting to do more testing of my uterus and tubes , I magically got pregnant again sometime around January 7 . My cycles are long and abnormal . I 've learned throughout the last year and a half that I don 't normally even ovulate until Day 30 , about 16 days after a normal cycle , so I am sure about my date and Alexander 's first dating ultrasound confirmed it . I started my pregnancy on Endometrin ( progesterone ) supplements , my folic acid pills , a baby aspirin a day and the steroid prednisone to help combat my killer cells . I also started intralipid treatments for the killer cells , an experimental ( read : insurance doesn 't pay ) treatment that was supposed to give me an 80 % chance of getting a baby . Much better odds in my opinion . However , the cost was extreme and my husband didn 't really believe in it , but I didn 't care . I would have done anything for the little boy inside of me at that point , and yes , I knew he was a boy right from the start . I just felt it . After some issues with the RE 's office ( Let 's just say his wife is not my favorite person and I 'm not sure why she is involved with speaking to patients . ) , I had made it to second trimester . Kevin and I had our NT scan and everything looked perfect with our little baby . His nasal bone was in place , his neck fat was 1 . 2 and our odds of Down 's Syndrome based on this info and my blood test was 1 in 1 , 400 . Things were looking up . The beginning of second trimester was hard for me because you are in limbo , living somewhere between a loss of symptoms and feeling any movement . However , thanks to my doppler I made it through . When we hit 16 weeks we went for an elective gender scan because I am generally an impatient person . It was April 16 , two days after my husband 's birthday , and I thought it would be a fun way to start off the day before we went out to celebrate with a good dinner that night . We found out he was a boy and I was elated . I wanted him to be a boy so much for my husband , who thought it was a girl . I wanted Kevin to have all the experiences with a little boy . In the very beginning we had made the decision this would be our last try for a biological child and if he didn 't make it we would be looking at adoption . I wanted to be able to give him a little boy if this was it for us . I wanted him to experience that . After learning about our little boy , we went to Buy Buy Baby and purchased a light blue Gund Teddy Bear for him and then went to Kevin 's parents to share our news . Even though I had said I wasn 't going to tell people his gender , I couldn 't not tell our parents . His mom had a blue balloon and pink balloon hanging from her lights and we popped the one that the gender was not . They were all shocked when the blue balloon was left standing . On Kevin 's side there are six grandchildren and out of those only one is a girl . Our little boy was lucky number seven . On Easter , we made a cake for my side of the family that was colored blue inside . ( I should note , when I speak about my side of the family it means - aunts , uncles , cousins , etc . My mom has four sisters and two brothers and I am the oldest grandchild of 19 . We are all pretty close to say the least . ) My uncle started taking bets for everyone and during dessert we cut into our cake and everyone was thrilled , even though the majority guessed girl . Somewhere during this time I started reading to Alexander . It would make him wiggle and I loved feeling that . It would relax me and I would often fall asleep to feeling him move . We would read " If You Give a Mouse a Cookie " and " Goodnight Moon . " We bought these the same day we bought the teddy bear . Somewhere along the way , I also picked up " Where the Sidewalk Ends , " and would selectively pick poems from there . Let 's face it , some of them are really disturbing and I didn 't want him having nightmares . We would often end with The Unicorn , a poem about why there aren 't any unicorns left in the world . Basically , they were playing and didn 't get on Noah 's Ark . I hoped that Alexander would get my husband 's logic in life , but I also wanted him to get my sense that there is a little magic in the world and something bigger than him / us . We had a scare around 18 weeks and were sent to labor and delivery because the on - call doctor thought my water may have broke . When I called I thought she would just tell me that I had peed on myself , but off to L & D we went . Luckily , my water was in tact and not even leaking and they did a full ultrasound on our little guy . The u / s tech said we should call him Sonic the Hedgehog because of the way he was constantly moving and rolling . It was during this trip we learned that he had something called echogenic bowel . It means there was a bright spot on his bowel , which could be a softmarker for Down 's , a sign of Cystic Fibrosis , a sign of growth issues that could lead to death or it could just be calcium deposits and mean nothing at all . Cue my freakout . We had a Level 2 ultrasound about a week later at 19w5d and the spot was still there . We declined the amnio because I just wasn 't comfortable with the risks involved , but we tested me for infections and the CF gene . Both parents need to have the CF gene in order for the child to even have a 25 % chance of having it . My doctor said there was a bigger chance it was nothing verses something . Once we were cleared for CF ( I am not a carrier ) , I calmed down a little . Our risk of Down 's was so small and he moved so much , I had a hard time believing someone who was so active was not going to be ok and basically perfect . We had been scheduled for a growth ultrasound at 25w and 5d to check in on his growth . We never made it to that ultrasound . During week 23 I had another trip to L & D . I had a pain in my stomach area , just about an inch above my belly button . I went on Thursday of that week at 23w6d . I had had the pain for four days by that time and it was constant . It hurt so bad by the end of the night that it hurt to breathe and I would cry to Kevin . Walking hurt and moving in general hurt . Tylenol didn 't help it either . But at L & D they did a full upper body ultrasound on me and found nothing . They did a heart tones ultrasound on Alexander and found him to be moving like crazy and with a perfectly normal heartbeat . What I mean by " heart tones " ultrasound is a picture with the squiggly lines below his picture that showed the movement of his heartbeats . That 's it . My husband didn 't come for this trip , but was surprised when I told him they didn 't look closer at Alexander . Looking back , this would have been our chance to catch anything that might have been wrong . Once the ultrasound results were in I was cleared and sent home , in pain . At 24w and 3d ( a Monday ) , I went for my monthly RIP test . This is the test that tests my killer cells levels . I felt good about this test because I knew the levels would go down after treatment the previous month . My number had been 13 . 1 the month before . A normal level is 10 and I had never been that throughout the pregnancy , but once we were out of first trimester my levels kept going down with treatment and were ok . However , that week , my anxiety went up for some reason . Alexander 's movement had been off feeling starting that Tuesday . I started using my doppler every day again to check in on him . He really didn 't like that thing so I always , even since 10w , I try to use it for only a couple seconds once I find him . The first day I felt him ( 14w5d - early , I know ) , I broke out the doppler a few minutes later and got two more pops right where the head of the doppler was at . It was nothing short of amazing . So , when I started using it again that week , he frequently gave me a good hit / kick and I would stop . I told him that if he would just move like normal and not freakout mommy we could avoid the doppler thing all together , but it wasn 't working . As the week went on I felt him less and less . Now they will tell you that this is ok before something like 28 weeks , but I knew in my heart something was up . I tried to convince myself that babies had quiet days . He had had them before and then two days later would be back to normal . On Thursday of that week , I felt him quite a bit and it was more like normal . For some reason , I still used my doppler that day - twice . I had been panicking about a study that had come out that week from Australia that discussed sleeping patterns and stillborns . Basically , women who had stillborn children reported laying on their right side at night in the days leading to their baby 's death . I had nightmares about it that week and my body was killing me from staying on my left side all night , even though multiple doctors said it was fine to sleep on your right or your left and I would generally flip flop every time I got up to use the washroom . On Friday of that week we had hit 25 weeks and my Kevin had been previously given a small promotion at work . They I told us to go out to dinner on them , so we did . We went to a tapas restaurant that night and I told Kevin I as nervous because I hadn 't felt the baby much that day . He tried to relax me , often the voice of reason in our relationship , and I drank a non - alcoholic sangria . I figured a sugary drink would help , but only got about two kicks from that . This was not normal by any means . But still , I tried to relax and we ate . I convinced myself I was being paranoid . I refused the unpasteurized goat cheese dish that I had asked the waiter to double check on , but felt ok eating a piece of mozzarella . I had been very careful throughout the pregnancy about what I ate . No caffeine , no lunch meat ( eventually I did eat some after heating it up for 40 seconds ) , no drinking , no odd fish , etc . I had done it all right for the most part . We went home and used the doppler . We found him on my lower right hand side and felt good about his heartbeat . It was between 155 and 162 , right where it always is . That Saturday morning I woke up at 5 : 30 a . m . and went to the bathroom . I felt Alexander bopping around inside of me and relaxed . I felt like it would be a good movement day and I went back to sleep feeling him kick and punch me . When I woke back up around 7 a . m . he was quiet . I used the doppler again and found his heartbeat right where we had found it the night before . It was at the same level and he hit me right away . I put the doppler away . That night I had a wedding . I am , or was , a photographer for weddings and newborns . I made sure to start drinking my water for the day right away because it was an outside ceremony . I had only felt Alexander maybe twice before Noon so right before I let I check on him again . He was in the same spot and his heartbeat was normal . I just couldn 't shake the feeling that something was up though . Normally , I would feel him about 60 times a day . Two was just not normal for my little boy . During the wedding , I didn 't feel him at all but I knew that was normal since I was so active . By the time I got home at 11 : 30 p . m . I had dranken about 130 oz of water and did not feel him on the ride home once . Once again , I dragged out the doppler for a few seconds and found him in the same spot with the same heartbeat . That night I fell asleep a little after midnight on the couch and woke up around 3 : 30 a . m . I thought maybe he was changing his sleep and awake patterns so I waited up , waiting to feel him . The rest of the night I felt nothing . That morning I woke Kevin up around 7 a . m . It was Father 's Day and June 19 . I had previously bought him a pair of Crocs for mowing the lawn ( he wanted them ) because he ruined all his good gym shoes wit grass stains . He had told me that he didn 't want a Father 's Day present , but I am stubborn so of course I didn 't listen . However , when I wrote I got the cards out that morning , I only filled out the one from our dogs and left the one that was supposed to be from the baby in the drawer . It just didn 't feel right to give him it for some reason . I figured it was my anxiety taking hold . After I gave Kevin the present , I told him about how had felt nothing that night . I was silently freaking out . We got the doppler out and Kevin found Alexander 's heartbeat right in the same spot I had been finding it since Friday . It was 152 , a perfectly normal heartbeat for him . I couldn 't shake the feeling that it was still in the same spot though . I got orange juice , drank a glass and then laid on my side for an hour . I got nothing and called the on - call doctor . She said it was probably not a big deal , especially since we just heard his heartbeat , but if I was that worried we should go to L & D . Although , she did say if we went all they would do is listen to his heartbeat too . I lost it and my anxiety took hold , especially when Kevin told me he didn 't think we should go to L & D . I had been there about a week and two days earlier with my pain ( which I still had , but it finally lessened the day before ) and I know in his head he was being practical and thinking about insurance and the bills . As I was hysterically crying he put his arms around me and tried to reassure me . Then , I said something horrible . I told him if something happened to the baby that I would never forgive him . I regret this every single day , and even as I said it , I knew it wasn 't true . I went upstairs and took a shower to calm down . We then decided to go out for breakfast and stop at Trader Joe 's for some dinner things for that night . When we got home , I wanted to try the doppler again . It was a little after 11 a . m . I thought I had felt Alexander once or twice during breakfast , but generally I never have to think or wonder if it is him moving because it is pretty clear . Kevin put the doppler on my tummy and started to move it around . It was silent . No swooshing of the placenta , no movement sounds , no blood flow sounds at all . There was simply nothing . I started panicking and Kevin asked me to let him try it again . I said no . We were going to L & D whether he liked it or not . I called the on - call doctor and she said she had called them earlier to let them know I was on my way in and was surprised I wasn 't there . I thought she was doing everything in her power to make me feel bad . I certainly felt like a bad mother at that point for not going sooner and it was about to get worse . On the way there Kevin and I barely spoke . I have a tendency to be really mean when I am stressed so I knew it was better to keep my mouth shut . He just held my hand . We got there , parked and quickly walked inside . I was basically running . I 'm pretty sure it was the fastest Kevin had seen me move the entire pregnancy . Somewhere inside I was busy trying to reassure myself that Alexander was fine . We got to the desk at L & D and they said they were expecting us earlier . I thought , must they all keep saying that ? When I got in the bed , the first nurse tried to find Alexander 's heartbeat and I knew it was over . I 'm not sure what I was doing at this point . I 'm sure there were tears , but I can 't remember an exact feeling . It was some weird mix of acceptance because I had known something was wrong and utter denial . Somewhere in all this , Kevin and I were hugging and I told him I loved him and didn 't mean a single word of what I had said that morning . I said I would never forgive myself for telling him that and I didn 't want him to feel blameful for even a second . In that instant , I knew I loved him more than I ever had before and I needed him to know that too . Nothing that happened in the next moments was going to change that and the amount of love I had for him was overwhelming me . He said he knew and he loved me too . It was so reassuring because I knew we would need that love now more than ever . A second nurse came in and tried to find Alexander 's heartbeat . She had no luck . Kevin and I cried . I 've not seen him cry a lot , but when he started I felt more pain for him than anything else I was feeling at that moment . I just wanted to make him better and make him stop hurting . I couldn 't lose him too . I asked that he call our parents and the nurse ordered ultrasound to the room STAT . For some reason , letting people know bad news as soon as possible does something for my coping , although I 'm not sure what . At the very least , it keeps me from completely breaking down . Kevin 's sister knew we were going to L & D and his family was on the way , as was my mom . He told them that it wasn 't looking good as a few tears fell down his face and my heart completely broke inside seeing his pain and thinking of my poor little boy . Apparently STAT does not mean the same thing to an ultrasound tech as it means to me because it took 20 minutes to get to our room . I knew it could take a few seconds for Alexander 's heartbeat to completely stop and each second seemed like forever . Somewhere I still had this small smidge of hope that he was hiding behind my anterior placenta or that it had dropped and they couldn 't tell it from mine , or had dropped so low that each single second was going to count now . The u / s tech finally arrived and he was awkward . He wanted the light exactly right in the room and then started his examination . He didn 't turn the screen away from us . Normally , when you go for something like this they do , but in some way , I was a little bit thankful he didn 't because I could tell the second the screen flipped on that Alexander was gone . The blood flow didn 't look right and there was no Sonic the Hedgehog rolling around . There was no movement at all . He asked me to stay as still as possible . My body and stomach were shaking from the silent sobs . He zoomed in on where the heart should be and it was a silent , black space . After a couple clicks he looked back at the nurse who had her hands on my legs for support and shook his head . She said something to the effect of he 's gone and I said , " I know . " Kevin leaned over me and we sobbed . Everything in my body hurt . My heart hurt for my husband and child , my body ached to feel something to defy what we had been told , my head spun with the " What now ? " thoughts . Our nonrefundable crib had been delivered the day before and now there would be no little boy to sleep in it . There would be no little boy to watch play soccer or hockey or see in school plays . There would be no baby at Halloween or Christmas . There would be no cries in the middle of the night in October or toys to try and keep our dog away from . There would be no mouth to feed nor first words to hear . When I delivered my child there would be no cries of life , but only deafening silence . Our child had died and I was eating an omelet . At some point within the next minutes our parents showed up , my mom , father - in - law and mother - in - law . My father lives in Colorado and no one could seem to reach him . I remember telling him a few weeks earlier that he needed to get a cell phone because if something happened with me or the baby we would need to get a hold of him . He had moved in with his girlfriend of six months and had no home phone , but this is another story for a blog that should have started 11 years ago or so . Anyways , our parents cried and while I know I did , I also didn 't as much as I thought I should have been . Everyone else seemed so raw , so hurt and all I could think about is how sorry I was for everyone . I had let let everyone down - my in - laws , my parents , my grandparents and especially my husband and my baby . My stupid body just isn 't good at this and it had failed me once again when I was counting on it the most . At some point the doctor came in and they gave us the option of being induced today or going home for a few days and then coming back fro the induction . That second part is the stupidest thing I 've ever heard . No offense to anyone that has needed a few days , but I couldn 't imagine leaving and coming back to deliver my deceased child . I was afraid of labor , especially without the pay off of a take home baby . I said this out loud and asked about a C - section so I wouldn 't have to do it . This was not an option for me , and even though in that moment I wasn 't happy about it , it was the best thing for me and delivering Alexander was the proudest moment of my life . They said labor could take six hours to two days . This was unbelievable to me . Two days felt like a lifetime to me . I know labor can take this long but you are supposed to get a baby at the end of that to take home and love , not a child that you have to give to the morgue . It wasn 't fair . It isn 't fair . Nothing was fair , right or just about this situation and it never will be , despite what people say . They also said that this type of labor doesn 't happen like " normal " labor and you can 't control it . They said that giving birth to a stillborn will happen slowly and then all of a sudden will happen all at once . I remember wondering if anyone has a " normal " labor to begin with . I didn 't think you could really control it no matter what . I was wheeled to anther L & D room . It would be our home for the duration of my hospital stay . I remember the hospital being quiet and so still . It seemed appropriate for the moment . It seemed just like my belly . Kevin went home with his parents to get a few things and let the dogs out before they started the induction . My mom stayed with me and I think my friend Emily had also shown up at this time . Calls started going out and coming into my cell phone . I started calling close friends . I had to tell my friend Laura in Michigan in particular . She was pregnant with her first child and was three weeks ahead of me . One of my best friend 's , her pregnancy had been a surprise and it had been physically rough on her . We shared stories when we were talked on the phone about her morning sickness , our poop ( I lived with her . No topic is too gross ) , my anxiety , my killer cells treatments , our babies ' genders , bedding designs , fears of labor and more . Her shower is in July and I am supposed to go , but I already knew I couldn 't and wanted her to know as soon as possible . I also didn 't want her to find out from someone else . Looking back I think I should not have told her , but she would have found out because I posted on Facebook later than night . Like I said , for some reason , telling people kept me calmer . We got a hold of my brother , Dan , who lives at Philadelphia and he cried on the phone with me . He was supposed to be Alexander 's Godfather . When I told him we were having a boy he said , " Yes ! That 's what I was hoping for . " It was cute . He was so excited and he was excited in a way I had never heard him before . Now , all I could hear was sniffling on the other end of the phone . I sniffled with him . Kevin came back and around 5 p . m . and they gave me my first vaginal suppository to start labor . I won 't lie . This hurt like a bitch . My cervix was still completely closed and high up so they had to so some serious reaching . In a way it is nice to know my body didn 't completely give out on me and that my cervix was holding strong , even after the LEEP procedure in 2002 . Contractions started soon after the first suppository and they felt like period cramps . Sometime during this Kevin 's parents left and my mom , Emily and Kevin were left . Two of my aunts showed up at some point in the evening . I think it was around 8 or 9 p . m . In my head , I needed people to stay as long as possible because once I was alone , or just alone with Kevin , I didn 't know if I could hold it together . At moments throughout the evening I thought I felt movement . The nurse said since Alexander was in fluid he was still floating around bumping into things . I knew this , but somehow her telling me seemed cruel . At some point , we had to make some decisions about things . Kevin and I had differing points of view on how to handle things with Alexander . I wanted to see him , have pictures taken and have a burial . Kevin didn 't even want to see him . That stung . I knew from working in the hospitals as a newborn photographer and spending so much time on The Bump with the ladies on the Pregnant After Loss Board that my time with Alexander would be precious and so short lived . Pictures were especially important to me because I never wanted to forget that little person who was kicking me for the last two months . I knew I needed to remember the moments . I knew I needed to feel the moments . After all , moments were all we were going to get . My Aunt Vanessa , my mom 's twin , ( seriously having grandmothers who could pop out four and seven children seems like a cruel joke ) showed up . She was sad and crying like everyone else and again , in seeing her sad , all I could do was feel sorry that I had literally let everyone down . She was nice enough to take the funeral home list home with her that night to begin getting information and prices for us . I was grateful for this - for her time , for her energy and most of all for the fact that I didn 't have to do it and explain to funeral - home - type - people that my body killed my child . Around 7 p . m . , the nurses had a shift change and Lynette , my nurse , was leaving me with Jean . Jean had been a nurse for 33 years and honestly , I remember thinking you are way too old to be working . You should be sitting on a porch somewhere thinking about the good old days , not helping me deliver my dead child . However , she was great . Even when she tried to take the contraction monitor off and I got irritated with her , I liked her . I also liked the contraction monitor for some reason . It gave me a sense that something was happening inside me , even if it wasn 't supposed to be happening at all . At the very least it gave me something to concentrate on so she left me on it . Emily explained to me that at some point the nurses will turn down the baseline for the machine so your contractions won 't register as high . This seemed highly unfair to me . When I got up to go to the bathroom we thought we broke the machine because we had to unplug it and then when we plugged it back in the numbers were so low . Jean fixed it . When it happened a second time , I let Jean win and she unhooked it . She smiled and I think she felt some little sense of accomplishment convincing me on this . Emily stayed until about 11 p . m . She , Kevin and I just sat there talking about nothing . She rubbed my back and played with my hair - one of the true pleasures in life . Basically , Emily was the best friend a woman could have in this situation . I think she left when Jean came to give me my second vaginal suppository . This also hurt like a bitch and I was a little weirded out that it was Jean doing it . When Emily left and it was just Kevin and I , we cried a little more . We cried for ourselves and Alexander . I 'm not exactly sure when we settled on his name , but it was the name I had wanted . Kevin had been trying out several names so he only called him Alexander some of the time , but I knew after I pushed him out that I would win on the name . I just thought my sweet boy would be alive when that happened . Kevin stayed by my bedside for a long while . He felt like the couch / bed was too far away . He hugged me , he kissed me and in general just loved me . He was simply amazing as he cried next to me . We talked about things and tried to make sense of everything in our heads . Nothing was adding up . We knew even if we had gotten to the hospital sooner , that Alexander could have already died . We knew even if they had gotten him out through an emergency C - section , there is a good chance he would have still died . We knew no matter what we did , the end results still would have been very similar . Looking back at this , it is amazing how rational I was at the moment . As the days wear on , I feel I become less and less rational about this . I think more and more that there is something we could have done . I think about a woman from The Bump who was two days ahead of me and delivered her little girl at 23w6d . She is alive , going through a lot , but alive . Why isn 't my child ? Kevin tried to get me to stop blaming myself , but all I could think was that I had done something to kill my little boy . My blood clotting or I had eaten something … I thought about that mozzarella I had eaten during our tapas dinner , or the marinated olives ; or the Jimmy John 's I had eaten ( heated up of course ) the week before . I couldn 't let it go that it was me . I still can 't . Shortly after that , Jean became a pill pusher . She wanted me to take pain medication and a sleeping pill , and eventually she talked me into it . I was afraid I would sleep through labor , but she assured me I wouldn 't . She was right . She also tried to talk me into the epidural at this point , but I didn 't feel like I deserved it . She said they wanted me in as little pain as possible , but I felt like I deserved the pain . It was the very least I could do , at least for the moment . Sometime around 3 a . m . I woke up from my contractions . I was having them about every two minutes and they felt like very , very strong period cramps . Nothing completely unmanageable , but nothing I would sleep through either . I cried then alone in the dark . Everything seemed so unreal at this point . I was alone with my thoughts and knew I just wanted to sleep through all the questions , non - answers and devastation I was feeling . Kevin was asleep in the corner on the uncomfortable couch bed thing . I beeped for Jean and let her know I thought it was time for the epidural because I wasn 't sleeping at all . She seemed thankful almost and called for the anesthesiologist . They kicked Kevin out of the room for the epidural , although I have no idea why . It was simple and easy . After months of blood tests and having blood drawn at least twice a month for something or other , the numbing pain medicine felt like a prick in the finger . I had gotten used to people poking me and was happy to do it for my baby throughout the months . Now I was happy to do it so I didn 't have to think about what was happening . I never saw the needle and only had one contraction through it . Jean was there to hold my hands and altogether it took less than two minutes . My legs quickly got tingly and numb , and they let Kevin back in . Then I slept for another two hours , and I only vaguely remember Jean coming in to give me my third suppository just before 5 a . m . I was dilated to half a centimeter . When I woke up at 5 : 30 a . m . it was Monday , June 20th . It was my baby 's birthday , although I didn 't know that then . I cried and Kevin woke up with me . I was determined to have Alexander that day so we didn 't have to stay in the hospital . I don 't know what happened to the next two hours but around 7 : 30 a . m . Kevin 's mom showed up . She had been crying and throughout the day she lost it a couple times . This was shocking to me because she is so strong and it was also so incredibly sad . All I felt like I could say to her was , " I 'm sorry . " Kevin hugged her when this happened and she cried more . Then , I started throwing up . Apparently this is a side effect of the epidural . They had only been giving me ice chips since about 8 the night before due to this . It happened a couple times and Kevin just held the little bucket under my face as it happened and my body heaved . He is easily grossed out so I am surprised he was ok with this . He gags when the dogs throw up . I apologized to him . It was all I could do for anyone . He said that he just wanted to take my pain away so I didn 't have to go through this . I wished neither of us were experiencing this . Around 9 or 9 : 30 my usual doctor came in . When I saw him I said , " I was supposed to keep this one , " and my eyes welled up with tears . He was the main doctor I saw at the practice and when I had seen him for my first few ultrasounds in early first trimester he tried to reassure me that everything was going to be ok . He had even said " I think you 're going to keep this one . " When I reiterated this to him that day all he could say was , " I know . " He checked me and I was at about 2 . 5 . ( I think . This is where everything gets really fuzzy . ) They only needed me to be at a 6 to deliver Alexander because they believed he was going to be only a pound . I knew he would be bigger , but then again , I was the one he was always pushing on and I was the one who knew something was wrong in the first place . I knew him better than the doctors and my instincts had been right so I chose not to believe them when it came to his size . My doctor thought maybe I would deliver Alexander before his hospital shift was up because I had progressed so quickly . He said he would be back to check me . I 'm not sure what happened to the rest of the morning . I don 't even really remember who was there that morning . At some point , my father - in - law showed up and I was happy he was there for my mother - in - law . One of my aunts was there for my mother too I think and Becky , a friend 's mom who married Kevin and I came , as well as Emily again . I think my doctor checked me at 11 : 30 / Noon before he left . I remember being amazed by my progress . I was at 3 . 5 / 4 with someone at some point . Then the last time I was checked was with the after noon doctor and I was at 5 . 5 . We kicked the family out soon after that . The afternoon doctor was the doctor who performed my D & C last year . When he walked in I told him , " We have to stop meeting like this . " He apologized for our loss . Kevin was happy it was him because he didn 't want negative feelings or feelings of loss associated with our regular doctor . I guess that he was trying to find an upside . The doctor checked me and was able to feel Alexander 's head . I remember feeling a lot of pressure on my left side and Deb said it was probably my baby 's butt . He said to try and push . Something happened where he decided it wasn 't time yet . Kevin thinks I took a No . 2 on him . I hope not . The doctor said that sometimes that during this process sometimes people will have a contraction , barely notice it and deliver the baby . This shocked me . I wasn 't sure how delivering Alexander was going to be , but I never in a million years thought I would do it without knowing . Deb told me if I started feeling a lot of pressure or like something was between my legs then I needed to let her know . I called her a lot . My epidural had been topped of that morning so while I felt pressure and my tingly legs , there wasn 't much else to feel . It was hard to determine when I thought I felt something between my legs because everything was pushing on that area . Hey Mom , you 'll enjoy these too ! Your Kids Don 't Need A Lavish . . . Jun 26 , 2017Take Off On A New Adventure Wi . . . Jun 16 , 2017Nutritious , Delicious Slow Sim . . . Jun 15 , 201710 Tips For Protecting Your Fa . . . Jun 12 , 20174 Ways Kamik Rain Boots Are A . . . Jun 12 , 201777 Thoughts On Preschool Gradu . . . Jun 5 , 2017 Finally it was time . The doctor came in and checked me and apparently Alexander 's head was really low and everything was ready to go . Kevin held my hand and I told him not to look . Even when we were planning on having a live baby we had decided he wouldn 't look because I didn 't want him to have that image in his head forever . Now it was more important than ever to me that he didn 't look . The doctor told me to push and I started having my baby . I don 't remember how many times I pushed , but he let me get breaths in between . I looked over at Kevin once during the time I was pushing and saw his eyes were squeezed shut . His head was turned slightly towards the back of the bed . It almost looked like he was in labor . ( Emily later told me the nurse said I pushed three times . ) With one final push , Alexander was easily out within minutes . Even with the tragedy of the situation , it was the most amazing moment of my life . I don 't know how to convey how wonderful it was with words , especially because I know it is something I shouldn 't look at it that way because my child wasn 't crying when he came out . They wrapped him before lifting him up and I saw his feet dangling out . His giant , beautiful feet . All I thought was , please give me my baby . I need to see him . I need to hold him . I need to love him . Both the doctor and Deb said he was perfect and I didn 't care if they were lying to me because I already knew he was . I delivered the placenta as Deb cleaned up Alexander and frankly that part was a piece of cake . ( Most of labor was really . The epidural is magic . ) I barely felt it . I know it is because it was so small . Now , I had told myself that I wasn 't going to look at it , but I wanted to see it so I stole a look as they put it in a dish . The doctor said it looked normal with the exception of how the cord was attached . A normal cord goes into the placenta and then starts dispersing ; however , Alexander 's cord started dispersing first . Deb told me when they know live babies have this it usually means and automatic C - section for the mother . I wonder why none of the ultrasound techs ever mentioned this . I never had any preconceived notions about how labor should go , like some people . I knew I wanted an epidural , but wasn 't set on a vaginal delivery if things needed to go differently . My one , main goal was to get my baby out alive and healthy . Obviously , I failed at this . When Alexander was clean , they handed him to me . I was barely aware anyone one else was there when I saw my sweet boy . He was absolutely perfect . The amount of love I felt for him the second I saw him isn 't even capable of being captured in words . I was also so proud of him . I was proud of him being born . I was proud of him for existing . I was proud he stuck with me for so many months . I was proud of every single kick he had kicked and heartbeat he had lived , even if they were only the heartbeats inside of me . I was proud of him and wanted to show him off to everyone . I knew Kevin didn 't want to see him originally , but somewhere along the way he changed his mind because he was right there too . Maybe he felt he didn 't have a choice . At any rate , I was glad he was there . Alexander looked like him . He had Kevin 's chin , lips and bone structure . He had my father - in - law 's nose . He had little wisps of white hair and his eye lashes were a whitish color . I knew pigmentation started sometime the week of his birth so I had expected that . His skull bones weren 't fused yet so they overlapped a little bit from me pushing him out , but to me , it didn 't look odd , just perfect . I unwrapped him to really look at him and I was even more amazed . He had extremely long legs and giant feet and hands for his size . No wonder I had felt him so early and so often , those things were huge ! Then I found a little piece of me in him . He had my baby toe . Now , my baby toe is downright ugly . I call it the hunchback baby toe , and Kevin and I had joked earlier in the pregnancy about him getting it . Now that he had it , it wasn 't ugly at all but just beautiful . It was so cute and small on those giant feet and I was so happy to see some of me in this boy who looked so much like his daddy . Kevin and I sat there and cried some more . The first words out of my mouth to Alexander were , " I 'm so sorry I couldn 't do this better for you . " I still think this and probably always will . We told him we loved him to the moon and back , and we told him it was time to play with the unicorns from the Noah 's Ark poem . I touched his face and felt his skin . He was warm . Part of me thought that once I had him near me maybe his little heart would start magically beating again . Of course , it didn 't . He was still . His neck was weak and he was so tiny that I was afraid I would break him just be touching him . I also knew that there was no way I wanted to let him go , even though he was already gone . I believe just after this the photographer came in . The hospital uses as service called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep for babies that have passed away . Our photographer was Erica and I will always treasure the photos she took of Alexander . They are all Kevin and I will ever get so they are more precious to me than gold . Kevin , and I think everyone , was leery of the whole picture idea , but I knew I would need them and I knew one day they would get it . Aside from his individual pictures , we took a family picture that I am having printed for our bedroom . Today I often sit just looking at some of the pictures , loving him that much more . Kevin calls them the Big 5 because there are five of them that I pull up at once and just stare at . I leave the computer running as I go to sleep so I can fall asleep looking at him . During the photo session , Kevin held Alexander for the first time . The photographer laid him on his tummy on Kevin 's forearm for a picture . I couldn 't get a reading on what Kevin thought of this . He held him again , normally , when they came to take out my cathedra and epidural . I don 't remember exactly when this happened in the order of everything , but I snapped some of my favorite shots of the two of them together at this point . The light hit them perfectly and Kevin was just looking down at him , letting it all sink in I assume . At one point he lifted his hand to his forehead and cried just for a second . My camera was going and caught this moment . The picture is so sad and so devastatingly beautiful . When I showed it to Kevin his eyes filled up with tears again and he had to look away . I was proud of him for holding Alexander , especially when he didn 't even want to see him . At some point I asked him if he was ok with it all . He said yes and kissed me . He said he was glad because he would have just written him off if he had never seen him . Once we had a little more time with the three of us , we let our parents in . The three of them circled my bed with Kevin and cried . They took turns holding Alexander and talking to him through their tears . They were also amazed at his long leg and giant hands and feet . I showed them his baby toe and was astounded by how much he looked like my father - in - law , and it is not just because he was bald . I noticed maybe for the first time how much my husband looks like his dad . They had the same chin and lips too , just like Alexander 's . After about 20 minutes , it was extremely important to me that we had him baptized . This was important to me even before he was gone and I was thinking about when we would do it after his birth . Now , it was more important then ever to me because if they didn 't let my little boy back into heaven , I was going to go up there and kick someone 's ass . During all this , maybe it was earlier in the morning , the chaplin had come in and given us communion . Kevin took it even though he isn 't Catholic , but I figured after this he deserved it . At that time she had said anyone could baptize him so we had Becky come into the room and do it . She poured some blessed water over his head in the name of the Father , Son and Holly Spirit ; said some prayers and it was done . Short , sweet and just a perfect little , private family moment . After he was baptized we invited the rest of the guests in to see Alexander . Emily and Megan ( sister - in - law ) were there , my Aunt Lisa was there , my Aunt Vanessa showed up , my Grandma Leah came and so did my Grandma Char along with Grandpa Dave and Aunt Vickie . Of course our parents were still there too so it was a full house in our room . My grandparents took turns hold him and I remember thinking that I didn 't really want to give him up for a second , even if it was for them to hold . I just wanted every second of him with me . Then , around 5 p . m . , we kicked everyone out . We were exhausted and just wanted more time with our little boy before we had to give him away . People seemed to understand and soon we were along again and we cried together holding him . After days of being strong for everyone else , we sat there and silently cried with one another for everything we had lost in the last two days . We kissed , we told one another we loved each other , we told Alexander we loved him and I apologized more to both of them . I couldn 't shake the pain I felt inside and had been able to block it all out while everyone else was there . I tried to appreciate just holding him . Deb gave him a bath for us once everyone left . She asked if I wanted to do it , but honestly , I had no idea how and he was so small that I was afraid with him being slippery too it would be a bad combination . She did it right on the bed with me . She put a towel underneath him and basically gave him a sponge bath . It was the first and last time we really got to see him all spread out and I was just so in shock by how long he was . His little tummy poked out perfectly too . During the bath his mouth opened , and both Kevin and I gasped . I 'm not sure why we had that reaction , maybe because it looked like it happened all on its own . In reality , Deb had moved his jaw bone in washing him . He looked even more like my father - in - law with his little mouth open . It was sweet and heartbreaking knowing he didn 't do it on his own . Deb wrapped him up after the bath and then got us to order some food around 6 : 30 . She told us we could keep Alexander with us that night . Originally we thought , no , we would give him to them . But during dinner Kevin told me it was ok if we kept him . I think he felt the complete breakdown that was coming once I had to give my child to someone to bring to the morgue . I was grateful for this , thanked him and told him I loved him again . I couldn 't tell him I loved him enough . We barely ate any dinner so soon I climbed back in bed to hold my baby boy . I asked Deb if he would start smelling . I felt so insensitive asking this . She told me no , but that he would get more pigmented and be red by the morning . I felt I could handle red as long as he was with me . I laid down on my side ( my IV had also been taken out at some point ) and laid Alexander next to me . Kevin came and sat as close as possible in a chair . We stayed like that for awhile , just enjoying whatever family time we had left . Then around 8 : 30 we put Alexander in one of the plastic beds they have for the babies and got him right up next to me . Soon after both Kevin and I fell asleep . I woke up around 3 : 30 a . m . on Tuesday , June 21 , and was crying . I had to use the washroom and when I was done Lisa , our new nurse , came in to give me some pain medication and she handed me Alexander to hold . He was colder now when I touched him . I sat there and held him and cried . Kevin woke up when he heard me and was right there by my side for about an hour . I eventually made him go back to his little couch bed and he fell back to sleep . I just sat there holding my boy and crying silently , wondering how I would deal when they took him from me and wondering what I did wrong in my life for this to have happened . I replayed large things to small things , but nothing seemed to add up to enough to cause this pain . Alexander was our third pregnancy and we were still going to be going home childless . Kevin woke up around 5 : 30 a . m . and we knew we would have to say goodbye to Alexander soon . They kept telling us we could keep him longer , but I knew no matter how much time I had with him that it would never be enough . Plus , he was also starting to not look so great . He was very red that morning and cold . Kevin tried squeezing into the bed with us that morning so we could all huddle together for our last few hours as a family . A new nurse ( no idea what her name was ) came in just after 7 a . m . and brought us an outfit to put Alexander in . I knew he wasn 't there but for some reason I hate the idea of him going into his coffin naked or just in a blanket . She brought us a little Christening outfit with a cross embroidered on the front and a little yellow hat . I had been pulling the hats off him because his skin was loose and they would push it all down , but this one looked just right . I took some more pictures . I took some more pictures of Kevin holding him in the morning light and then Kevin took some of me . We were then left alone for a few minutes to say goodbye . We cried over him . We told him to make sure he played with the unicorns , we told him we loved him so very much and again that we were sorry . I couldn 't express how much I loved him or the pain I felt in giving him up . We soon buzzed for the nurse and I reluctantly handed him to her . My tears started falling faster and some other nurse walked in and stood there . We watched the first nurse take him away and I wanted to scream as loudly as I could , but the second nurse just stood there awkwardly . I 'm not sure what we finally said to get her to leave , but when she did nothing could keep the tears in . Kevin and I hugged each other and just sobbed . I let out wails and this made Kevin squeeze me tighter . I felt like they would never stop and I 'd never be able to cry enough to express how sad , angry and sorry I was . I was sorry I had brought this child into the world just to die before actually living in it . I didn 't want him to have to do that . I didn 't want him to have to feel his last moments and know it was getting tougher . If he was smart enough to kick the doppler , he was smart enough to know something bad was happening to him . I just wanted to take that pain away . I just wanted to be able to take Kevin 's pain away and I just wanted to stop everything bad from happening . I 've never felt so helpless and lost in my entire life . Somehow , we dried our tears . We knew our mothers would be showing up soon . At 8 : 30 a . m . , Kevin 's mom arrived and mom mom showed up about a half hour half that . Basically , we were just waiting for the doctor . During the waiting , the funeral home we had selected called and said they hadn 't heard from the hospital yet with orders to come and get Alexander . Kevin had to go track down awkward nurse , who was apparently our nurse for the day , and get her to call the funeral home . Finally , the doctor showed up . I think it was around 10 : 30 . Time seemed to not really matter now that Alexander was gone . I didn 't know this doctor . My office has about five doctors that you generally rotate between , but because I was sort of a different case to begin with , we were able to stick with my normal doctor throughout most of the pregnancy thus far . This doctor was very nice . She sat with us and answered all of our questions . She said the way his cord was attached wasn 't a big deal because she delivers live babies like that all the time . She gave me instructions on how to take care of myself and then said they were worried about me with postpartum depression . I had taken medication for depression in the past , just after college and around 25 . I hadn 't been on it since being with Kevin , but she was still concerned about me and this really concerned Kevin as well . She told me I needed to come to the office in two weeks for a follow - up and she wanted me there first thing in the morning so I wouldn 't have to wait with all the pregnant women . I thought this was very kind of her to point out . She also said the doctor who delivered Alexander had cancelled all the rest of my appointments for the pregnancy , and that she would write me a prescription for a sleeping pill . During the conversation , I looked up at the sky , took a deep breath and with my voice cracking asked when ( or really if ) we could try again . I shocked myself with asking this question . The second it entered my brain I felt bad . I didn 't want to try again . I didn 't want someone to replace him , but for some reason I thought it would be important to know . " Six weeks , " she answered . I gasped at this and I think rolled my eyes . Six freaking weeks ! No , I thought . Just no . Probably not even six months , if ever again . I started sobbing after they left . We weren 't supposed to be leaving without a baby . We just weren 't . He wasn 't supposed to be dead . He was supposed to be with me still . Kevin held me and our moms left the room and let me cry . He calmed me down after a few minutes and we gathered our things hurriedly . I need to get out at that point . I needed to go home and see my dogs . They had always been able to make me better , but this was a tall order even for them . I put on some clothing Kevin had packed for me that first night when he want home , a pair of black pajama pants and one of his T - shirts . I looked at myself in the full - length mirror and my belly looked so small . For as much as I complained about my weight throughout the pregnancy , I missed my big belly and I missed Alexander being in it . I started crying a little and Kevin once again put his arms around me . Our moms located a wheel chair and we were off . While I was waiting for Kevin to pull the car around another woman had been released with her baby . Why did she get to take home a baby but I didn 't ? I saw her reflection in the revolving door and turned away and closed me eyes . I saw the nurse who wheeled me down look up at her and then at me . She knew I saw her . A few tears trickled down my face and my heart ached as I thought of my baby in the morgue . When Kevin pulled up we decided we were going to go to the funeral home to get it all over with . They were supposed to meet us in our hospital room but I didn 't expect to be released so early . It wasn 't even 24 hours after Alexander was born and I hadn 't even gone No . 2 yet , which I thought was a requirement before release . So , I called the funeral home and she mentioned that Joel , the guy who was taking care of everything , was at the hospital now . We decided to just meet him in the cafeteria since we were all here . Kevin 's mom came with us and we sat at a table to take care of arrangements for Alexander . Then , we did leave and left our little boy . We made a quick stop to pick up my sleeping pills and some pain pills . I picked up on some attitude with the girl at the pharmacy counter and snapped at her . Kevin told me that he thinks I should take a boxing class to get some aggression out . Upon arriving home , our dogs greeted us and were so excited . My cousin had been staying with them and we wondered what had happened to make them act so crazy . Normally , they jump all over us for about 30 second , we let them out and everyone relaxes . No matter what we did though , they would not calm down and unfortunately they didn 't take away any of my pain . My poor doggies . I knew I had expected too much of them . Kevin said he thinks they went so crazy because normally when we come home we are just as excited to see them , but this time we weren 't happy to be home with my belly empty . He said he thought they stayed excited for so long because they were trying to get the normal reaction from us . There were special bottle I ordered on the table and all our ultrasound photos of Alexander . I cried when I saw them , Kevin cried as he put them in the nursery closet along with the rest of Alexander 's things . He moved the unassembled crib into the nursery ( it had been in the hall ) and shut the door . Today , nothing in life feels right . Nothing feels normal and nothing feels good . Kevin is trying to get back to normal and doesn 't cry each day like I do . He is worried about me and frankly so am I because I don 't know how to get better . I don 't know how to feel good again . I can 't sleep in my bed because it reminds me of reading to Alexander and waking up to him moving all around . We 've been sleeping on our couch with the dogs . Tonight I think we will have to sleep back in our bed . Kevin 's back is starting to hurt and he has been working again since Monday so I know it isn 't good for him . Today I am also supposed to call a number to find a therapist and get a can of paint . Since Kevin has gone back to work he is giving me little tasks to do each day . It is probably good that he is trying to get me out and moving . If it were up to me , I would sit here all day without him . This week has been harder . When he is home , he lightens me up . I feel like I have to be better for him . With him gone , the emptiness and loss consumes me . I 've visited Alexander every day since we buried him . He is only about five miles away , but his burial is a story for another day . I need to get up and go see him now , and get my can of paint because even if I 'm not really living , life somehow goes on . I almost lost my daughter in week 24 because my cervix was completely open . Thanks to an coincidence I went to a doctor and we managed to save her life . The pain I felt there is for sure nothing compared to yours . This story is so touching and almost had me in tears . A close family member of mine lost her baby , and I can recall how heart broken she was . I will send out prayers for sure . I am in tears . Thank you for sharing your personal and intimate story . You are an amazing mama and Alexander has made an profound impact in my heart . Hugs my friend . I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine the heart ache and grief that never truly goes away . Thank you so much for sharing your story , it is so important to write down thoughts and memories as they are part of who you were and who you are now . It is so good women can talk about these things and have the love and support of those around them . Thanks for sharing . A friend of mine had a similar situation . I can 't even imagine what something like this would do to me if it happened . The sorrow . The anger . The courage . You are an amazing woman among many others unfortunately who have gone through this too . It takes courage to share this . When I saw your instagram post , I had to find and read this blog entry . What a strong person and great mom you are . Thank you for sharing your story as I cried along with you reliving those days . I 'm sure it 's still so tender to you but thank you for being so open . Life is precious . |
While I sat at work , I was still infuriated with my fiancé and his inability to let go of the other woman . The fact that he had to meet me at lunch time to tell her to stop contacting him when he had already promised me it was over , frustrated me and I was sent into an emotional tailspin . I could feel the anxiety building up again . I wanted out of the relationship badly by this point but yet something still held me there . My fiancé and I continued with our therapy sessions . Some sessions were good , some were bad but my anger toward him wasn 't fleeting . I looked at him differently now . He was a stranger and I no longer viewed him as the man who would never hurt me . I lost all respect for him . In therapy one of the promises I had made was that I would not go through his cell phone . I tried hard not to look but it was very difficult not to . Rebuilding trust had to start somewhere , so I put forth the effort into repairing our relationship by giving him the benefit of the doubt . The days went on and the emotional rollercoaster was unstoppable . On certain days I would be so in love with him and other days I despised him . One particular night when my love for him was wavering , I went against my better judgment and as he slept I grabbed his cell phone to begin searching . I had no idea what I was looking for , since he changed his number , however I wanted to make sure he wasn 't contacting her . My heart raced and was pounding out of my chest . " Oh please God " I prayed , I didn 't want to find anything . I looked through contacts … nothing there , searched through outgoing and incoming calls … nothing there , onto the text messages … nothing there . I felt relieved . As I was about to give up on my search , my finger slipped and I wound up hitting a button that led me to the last numbers text messaged . I had no idea how I even found it but there it was , in plain view , her cell number . My blood boiled and I ran into our bedroom . I flashed the bright light of the cell phone into his eyes . He woke up confused and I showed him what I had found . The anger was so intense I started to hit him with the phone . He wrestled me to the bed and grabbed the phone from my hand . I have never felt so out of control in my entire life . I was crying and shaking . How could he contact her again ? Now she had his new number and all it proved to me was he didn 't really want to let her go . We didn 't speak that night . In the morning , before I left for work I asked him why he contacted her again . He said he wanted to make sure she was ok . The fury intensified and I told him I was ready for our relationship to be over . He needed to leave . I spent the entire day at work dealing with his text messaging and his phone calls . He had called our therapist on his own and told her he wanted to make things right . He told our therapist that he had no intentions of contacting her anymore , he felt badly for how he treated her but he didn 't want to lose me . Our therapist wanted us to come in immediately for an emergency therapy session . For whatever strange reason , I agreed . I left work early and met him at our therapist 's office . I could not look him in his eyes . I was so afraid if I did , I would feel sad and I didn 't want to be pacified . To me , anger was a much easier emotion to deal with . It kept me strong . As we sat in the office , he started to explain to me why he texted her . I could hear the desperation in his voice increase as he spoke . He said he had no plans to continue the affair , he felt bad for leading the other woman on and did not want to hurt anyone . The entire therapy session I rolled my eyes . I felt like his excuses were a lame attempt to justify his inability to end contact with her because in my mind he had feelings for her . The therapist asked me to give him another chance . She said she felt his sincerity . Glad someone did because I wasn 't buying it . Deep down I knew this was not going to work , although once again I decided to give him another chance . I had no idea why I said yes . I wanted to believe this was the last time I would deal with the other woman . Was he ready to give her up for good ? I was already on edge and wasn 't sure how much more I could take . Jezi 🙂 I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . |
Darryl Miver was anxious to be on the road . Ever since graduating from high school eighteen months ago he had been waiting for this day . He was off to state college . Better yet , he was off to state college after having put aside enough money to finance the next four years without having to take out massive student loans . Of course , his father being the owner of the construction business he worked at didn 't hurt . Nonetheless , he had earned his money . He was a good worker and the past eighteen months had taught him a lot about team work , responsibility and the value of money . But today was the day he was finally moving on and he was as happy as could be . He had gotten up early and showered . Only partially dressed , he admired himself in the mirror . He wasn 't particularly vain but he couldn 't help but approve of what he saw . His 6 ' 1 " frame was well proportioned and had filled out nicely as a result of his construction work . Today , even his mousy - brown hair ( which he normally despised ) looked good to him . Any other minor imperfections relating to his personal appearance were also overlooked and forgiven . The crinkling sound that he made as he turned to pick up his shirt brought him back to the other reason he was so happy . He put the shirt down and looked at himself again , gently gliding his hands over the smooth surface of the diaper . He had decided to wear an overnight diaper because of the long car trip he was about to take . He quickly became excited . Darryl had only recently made an uneasy peace with himself over his attraction to diapers . For years he had wanted to wear them again but he had been afraid that his diaper desires were unspeakably perverse . Only recently had he finally understood that his diaper fetish was a part of him that he couldn 't suppress . It was integral to who he was . As soon as he accepted this , the guilt he felt over wearing diapers greatly diminished . But , he still had a long way to go . For instance , he certainly wasn 't ready to admit to anyone else that he liked wearing diapers . He finished packing the last few toiletry items he had used that morning . As he moved around the bedroom checking for anything else he wanted to take with him he was surprised by how loudly his diaper crinkled . In the past , his TV or stereo has been on when he was in diapers so this was the first time he moved around in a completely silent room . Unlike most freshmen Darryl was beginning his college career in mid - January . So far the winter had been very hard . New snowfall and low temperature records seemed to be set every week . However , today 's weather report predicted a clear , sunny , and dry day - perfect driving conditions . Now that her mind was relieved , Darryl 's mother turned off the TV . The kitchen became very quiet . No one knew exactly what to say . Darryl felt slightly guilty over his joy at beginning a new chapter of his life . He didn 't want his parents to feel that he was happy to get away from them ( he wasn 't ) so he tried to keep his enthusiasm down . For their part , his parents knew how important this day was to Darryl so they didn 't want to spoil it by saying how much they were going to miss him . Before putting on his jacket he decided to use the bathroom one more time . His stomach had been ' nervous ' all morning . " It must be the excitement of the day , " he thought . " Yeah , I guess so . At least for a few days . But , you know , you 'll have me all summer . Right , dad ? " One last round of hugs and kisses and Darryl was out the door . He took off his jacket before getting into the car . He waved one last time to his parents . He was so happy he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs . Instead , he sat down behind the wheel and started the engine . He was overcome by an intense sense of freedom . But , his sense of freedom wasn 't a result of leaving his parents . They were not the least bit overbearing ; after graduating high school they had treated him like an adult , respecting his privacy . Today 's sense of freedom came from the pleasure of knowing that he could now wear diapers whenever and wherever he pleased . He could fell the bulkiness of his diaper on his bottom and between his legs . He was beginning to get excited again . " Concentrate on driving , " he told himself . ( For the next hour and - a - half , though , he would remain hard or semi - hard no matter what else he thought about . ) " I think so , " she said , " At least I hope so . Right now , though , he would probably die if he found out that we knew . He might even think that we had been spying on him . " " Let 's not beat ourselves up over that again . If the kid wanted to keep his diapers such a big secret he shouldn 't have left a wet one under his bed on house cleaning day . He knew you went into his room to dust and vacuum every Thursday . It was his own fault for leaving it there . I think that we showed marvelous restraint by not asking him about it , " his dad said . " Time for me to go to work . " " I guess you 're right , " she agreed . Then , responding to his last remark , she added , " I 'll be coming in around 10 : 30 to finish up the payroll . Is there time for us to do lunch today ? " It was the perfect morning to be driving . Traffic was light and the interstate was dry and clear . Darryl was in a great mood . All of his energies for the last year and one - half had been focused on today . The only tiny disappointment was that he had had to use the bathroom just before leaving . He would have to wait a little longer before he could wet his diaper . He had intended to drive straight through to state college without stopping . Two hours into his drive he changed his mind . He was beginning to get a headache and his stomach still felt somewhat ' nervous ' . He mentally kicked himself for not having put on his sunglasses earlier . It had been stupid of him to drive for two hours while squinting because of the glare from the snow . His stomach , however , was more of a concern to him . He pulled off at the next exit and , as luck would have it , there sat a service station for which his parents had given him a credit card . ( They hoped that having a gasoline credit card might encourage him to come home more often . They also trusted him enough to believe that he would not abuse it . ) He really didn 't need much gas but he felt awkward about using their restroom without also making a purchase . After filling up the tank he walked into the mini - mart . His head was pounding , his sinuses were clogged , and his bowels felt like they were ready to explode . " This is just great , " he thought . " I must be coming down with the same flu that dad had last week . As soon as I use the restroom , I 'll ask if they sell flu or cold medicine here . " Sitting there feeling miserable again he was beginning to be unsure about what to do . He was two - thirds of the way to State so it didn 't make sense to go back home . But , could he continue to drive safely for another hour ? Also , once he got there , he realized that he didn 't know where the infirmary was or how to go about getting assistance . " Stop worrying , " he told himself , " there will be plenty of people around . I 'm sure everything will be just fine . The worst thing that can happen is that I might miss the orientation meetings tomorrow . Big deal . I 'll figure it out on my own . " Before he could continue with what he had intended to say an unexpected shot of pain hit him in the bowels . Before he could react , his bowels let loose and started filling his diaper with extremely smelly diarrhea . But that wasn 't the worst . The worst was that he promptly passed out right there at the counter . In the first dream it was as if he was there and not there at the same time . He couldn 't see what was going on . He clearly heard voices talking about him - a male and a female voice - but he couldn 't figure out what was happening . He wasn 't scared though - it was clear that they were on his side . He felt very comfortable and then the dream ended . In the second dream , the guy from the mini - mart was changing his diaper . The guy was very gentle and speaking to him as if he were a baby . Darryl was very excited as the guy was cleaning up his diaper area . The guy put him into cloth diapers and plastic pants , just like the ones his mother used to put on him . During the last part of the dream the guy was encouraging Darryl to go ahead and wet and mess his diapers . The guy said he would be happy to change them again . Daryl half - woke up . He was in bed . It was dark . He felt warm and comfortable . Why was he surprised by this ? Why did he think he was supposed to be uncomfortable ? He was so tired . " I 'll figure this out tomorrow , " he said to himself as he fell back into a sound sleep . Darryl woke up again . This time it was no longer nighttime . He was confused : where was he ? One second later it all came back to him - the gas station , the mini - mart , his diaper … Looking around the room he could tell that he wasn 't in a hospital . This was clearly someone 's guest room . His musings were interrupted by a gentle knock followed by a woman 's head peering around the door into the room . " I 'm Marsha Duncan " , she said , " Jack , my son who works at the gas station , called me when you passed out in the mini - mart . Don 't worry , I 'm a doctor . I diagnosed you with the flu and decided to bring you here rather than to the hospital which is thirty miles away , anyway . Porterville isn 't even big enough for a school , never mind a hospital . " " But , how did I get into this bed ? " he wondered . " If Dr . Duncan undressed me , did she tell Jack about my diaper ? If it was Jack who undressed me … . oh , God … " Without waiting for an answer , he brushed Darryl 's hair aside and laid his hand on Darryl 's forehead . After a few second he removed his hand and picked up Darryl 's wrist and began taking his pulse . Darryl was too shocked to react . " Hmmm , no fever and pulse rate is back to normal . That 's good . Do you know if you need a diaper change or should I just check it for you ? " " What ? How could I be embarrassing him ? He knows he wears diapers . I just want to make sure that he doesn 't get a rash , " Jack explained . " Alright , I 'll get something ready . I think you should start out easy . Some soup , toast , and juice ought to do the trick . I 'll be back in a few minutes . " Turning to her son , she added , " Jack , try to behave until I return . " As if reading his mind , Jack said , " After you passed out I called my mom and she recommended that we bring you here . I moved your car out of the gas station and parked it in our driveway . We didn 't know who to call because you don 't have any phone numbers in your wallet . We looked through some of your stuff trying to find a number . All we found was your registration material for State . My mom wanted to call State to try to get a home phone number for you . I convinced her that calling your parents ( if you have any ) might only upset them more than necessary . When she was convinced that you weren 't in any real danger she agreed . So , that 's how come we know you were on your way to State . I 'm sorry if we invaded your privacy buy we didn 't see that we had any other choice . " " It 's OK . What you did makes sense . Thanks for not calling my parents . They 're OK and everything but my mom would have freaked out . " To himself , Darryl added , " And they probably would have found out about my diapers ! " Thinking about his diapers made Darryl blush again . He was so embarrassed that this guy had found out about them . Darryl comforted himself with the thought that they would probably never see each other again . " There is one other thing . When I looked over your registration materials I saw that you were supposed to be at orientation yesterday . When it was obvious that you weren 't going to make it I called them to let them know that your were sick . Everything is cool . Your room and registration are still active . " As Jack was rearranging the pillows , Darryl pushed himself up into a sitting position . He noticed that he was wearing pajamas he had never seen before . In fact , they had a zipper instead of buttons . Realization hit him all at once . He reached under the covers and felt the ' pajamas ' . They were one piece - he was wearing a baby - style sleeper ! " Mrs . Duncan is a pediatrician , " he thought , " maybe this is what she uses on all her patients . " In any event he started blushing again . " Alright , then , " she said , " I have to go into the office . As soon as you 've finished eating , Jack will take the tray away . And Jack , Darryl will need lots more sleep . I don 't want you talking his ear off all afternoon . " Darryl didn 't have an answer to that . For one thing , it was very nearly true . He did blush almost every time that Jack said something to him . " You know , I was serious before . If you need a diaper change , say so . As I 'm sure you know , diaper rashes are no fun . " Darryl had just been contemplating that very issue . While he had been eating he had wet his diaper - knowingly and freely . It had felt wonderful . From the feel of it now , though , he must have also wet while he was still asleep . " Oh , those , " Jack said wrinkling his nose . " I don 't want to hurt your feeling but those diapers are next to useless on guys our size . We wet way too much for them to be effective . If you wear those to bed you 'll leak all over the place . I think the only effective diapers for people our size are cloth ones with plastic pants . Those are what you 've been wearing for the last two days . " Darryl couldn 't believe his ears . Did Jack include himself in reference to diapers ? Was he a diaper wearer , too ? Did he have a disability ? Would Jack be mad if he found out that Darryl 's diaper wearing was purely recreational ? Or , maybe , Jack was talking clinically about bigger people who wear diapers . That must be it . How silly to think that Jack could be a diaper wearer . " Now , watch closely . You 'll have to learn how to do this for yourself . Of course , for daytime use you 'd only use one diaper and a smaller pair of plastic pants . " The whole time that Darryl was watching Jack he was getting harder and harder . He was now crimson with embarrassment and fright over how Jack would react when he saw how he couldn 't control himself . The sight of the diapers and plastic pants was driving Darryl over the top . He was powerless to control his reactions . Jack pulled down the covers . Darryl saw his footed sleeper for the first time . Just as he had suspected it was totally babyish . Next , Jack unsnapped the legs and pulled the sleeper out of the way . Darryl 's diapers were completely exposed . He was wearing semi - transparent plastic pants which did nothing to hide his wet condition . He then pulled down Darryl 's plastic pants and placed them in a diaper pail sitting near the dresser . An aroma of pee filled the room . To his horror , there was also the aroma of something else . Evidently , Darryl had also messed his diaper as he slept . Instead of causing Darryl to lose his erection , this new discovery only made him become harder . He was on the point of exploding . So much blood was rushing to Darryl 's face that he was sure that his head would explode . Jack asked Darryl to roll over so that he could clean his behind . Darryl had only messed a little bit so it was easy to clean him up . Darryl rolled over again and Jack started cleaning his front . Jack took another wipe and began cleaning Darryl . As soon as his penis was touched Darryl began to shudder . Two seconds later he exploded . Jack continued his job uninterrupted , seemingly oblivious to the effect he was having on Darryl . Darryl became even more confused and embarrassed . " Of course she is , " Jack answered . " You don 't get it , do you ? A pediatrician treats little kids or kids who are twelve of thirteen , tops . None of them would need diapers and sleepers in these sizes . The diapers are mine . So are the plastic pants , sleepers , and all the other stuff . " " That 's great , " Jack exulted . " That means we 're the same , you and me . Since you 've been honest with me , I need to tell you that the sight of you in diapers and plastic pants has sent me over the top several times in the last few days . Now , let 's finish getting you dressed , " he quickly added . It was almost dinnertime when Darryl woke up again . He felt much better than he had in the morning . He decided that he needed to get up and move around . But first , he hoped that Darryl had brought some juice while he was asleep . He felt around for the bedside lamp . He turned it on and found the juice - apple juice - a whole baby bottle full ! Shrugging , he decided to give it a shot . He laid back against the pillows and began sucking . It took him a few seconds to figure out how to get the best flow . He was about half finished when Jack walked in unannounced . He was wearing a very juvenile looking striped shirt and yellow corduroy overalls . " Now why are you blushing ? Geez , it 's my bottle , you know . I gave it to you . You 've got to chill out a little , " Jack mock - scolded him . " Let me hold it for you . It 's even more fun that way . " " OK . Let 's get you undressed and into the shower . Call me when you need me to diaper you . I 'll be in the kitchen fixing dinner . " Darryl finished his shower and walked back into the guestroom . He noticed that Jack had made the bed and had straightened up the room . The changing pad and clean diapers were already laid out on the bed . Darryl called Jack to come and give him a hand . " Where do you get off calling me ' little one ' . I 'm at least an inch taller than you . And , moreover , my plastic pants don 't have cartoon characters on them , " Darryl teased . Jack didn 't respond in words . He merely sniffed haughtily and ordered Darryl onto the changing pad a second time . It took only a minute for Jack to pin Darryl into his diaper . He reached into the dresser and pulled out a yellow pair of plastic pants decorated in a Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd motif . " I think you 're making a total fashion statement as is . But , you 're right . My mom would kill me if I allowed you to walk around like that while you 're still recuperating . " He sat Darryl on the bed and finished dressing him in clothes similar to what he himself was wearing . The biggest difference was that Darryl 's overalls were fire engine red . He loved them . Dr . Duncan came in around six - thirty . Dinner was simple but it allowed Darryl to closely observe how Jack and his mother interacted . It became obvious to him that they loved each other very much . It also made him reflect that his relationship with his parents wasn 't so different . He began to think that he could talk to his parents about his diaper desires . After dinner , Marsha left the guys alone in the den . They spent the evening talking about all sorts of things : their childhoods , their likes and dislikes , funny experiences they had had , etc . Darryl had never felt himself growing so close to anyone so quickly . He wished he could stay here with Jack forever . " You know , " he admitted , " I usually have trouble making friends . Probably because my mouth is usually two steps ahead of my brain . But , do you think we have a chance at becoming best friends ? " " Well , of course . I 'm a second - semester freshman at State and the semester begins on Monday , doesn 't it ? " Jack dead panned . " What ? You 're going to State , too , and you never told me ! " Darryl said as he jumped on top of Jack who was laughing hysterically . The boys started wrestling each other . Very quickly , Darryl discovered that Jack was extremely ticklish . " Aha , " he thought to himself , " here 's a weapon I can use against him someday . A weapon against which he has no defense and a weapon that can 't be used against me since I 'm not ticklish at all . " Darryl woke up feeling normal again . His flu was gone and he was anxious to be on his way . Marsha Duncan ( a pediatrician ) and her son Jack had taken Darryl in when he had collapsed at the service station where Jack worked . When Darryl had regained consciousness he was highly embarrassed that Jack had discovered his diapers . For his part , Jack was delighted and admitted to Darryl that he , too , adored wearing them . An instant friendship was established . The previous night they had talked at length about themselves : their childhoods , their future plans , etc . Before retiring , Jack had disclosed to Darryl that he was also leaving for State College the next day . ( Jack was a second semester freshman ; Darryl was just beginning his freshman year with the January term . ) Since Marsha wouldn 't let her son have a car while at college ( " Until you prove that you won 't spend all your time partying - no way . " ) it had been decided that Jack would leave with Darryl . Marsha was delighted at not having to ferry him up there herself . " Well , I see you 're getting back to normal fast , " Marsha laughed . " Get up and come down to the kitchen . You can shower and get into fresh diapers after breakfast . " Darryl was not used to the nonchalant and open way that Jack and his mom spoke about diapers . He pushed the covers back and looked at the yellow sleeper he was wearing . Even lying down his diapered state was obvious . He got up and shyly walked down to the kitchen . Jack , wearing a similar sleeper , was pouring himself a cup of coffee . Breakfast was delicious and Darryl enjoyed every mouthful . He went back upstairs and took a shower , walking back to his room wrapped in a towel . On the bed lay the clothes he was wearing the day he got sick plus a pair of semi - transparent side - snap plastic pants and a cloth diaper . He picked up the diaper and examined it . It was unlike any he had ever seen . It was fairly thick , hourglass shaped , and imprinted with teddy bears . He blushed as he realized how much he wanted to wear it . Until this moment he had expected to go back to his disposables . He jumped as a voice from the open door of the room interrupted his musings . " That 's Jack 's favorite daytime style . It 's thick enough to last for several hours yet contoured so that it isn 't too bulky . It also has a special soaker in the center that keeps moisture locked in , " Marsha said . " Do you need help putting it on ? " Darryl blushed again as he realized that Marsha was assuming that he wanted to wear it . He wasn 't sure if he could manage to get it on correctly all by himself . In fact , he didn 't even know if there was a " back " and " front " to the diaper . Darryl was taken aback . Should he let Jack 's mother diaper him ? He had really enjoyed the babying he had been getting over the last few days . " She is a doctor , " he said to himself . " And , she wouldn 't have asked if she didn 't want to do it . " He let go of his inhibitions . He unwrapped the towel from around his waist and laid down on it . Marsha asked him to lift up so that she could position the diaper under him . She reached for baby powder and sprinkled a liberal amount over his diaper area . She asked him to roll over so that she could do his backside . Her gentle touch was getting him aroused and it was beginning to show . Laying on his back again , she pulled the diaper up between his legs . He felt the bulky fabric and wondered if his pants would show a diaper bulge . She pinned the sides tightly using two pins on each side . Actually , Jack already knew that his mom was diapering Darryl . He had come to the guest room to show off his baby - print diaper and side - snap plastic pants . Now that Darryl had seen him he went back to his room to finish dressing . Darryl and Jack went to load up the car . Even though most of Jack 's stuff was already at college they had trouble fitting everything in . It took Jack several minutes to convince Darryl to give up the five bulky packages of disposable diapers that he had brought along . " You 've already admitted that you really like the cloth diapers . I 've got plenty of them for myself at school . You 'll have to get rid of the disposables for this extra supply of cloth diapers and plastic pants to fit into the trunk . You won 't need the disposables . I promise . " Jack insisted . " But what about the laundry ? Cloth diapers will pile up fast . I can 't go into the dorm laundry and wash them publicly , " Darryl retorted . [ Darryl would later protest bitterly that he had been tricked . Jack had already contracted with a diaper service to take care of his diapers . All he had to do was drop off the dirty loads and pick up the clean ones . ] " I don 't know , " Darryl answered honestly . " It was something that was always there , at least since I was twelve of thirteen . Every time I saw a diaper ad on TV or saw a diapered kid on the street I would feel attracted to them . For a long time I thought that I would outgrow the urge to wear diapers . It really is only in the last two years that I have started getting comfortable about them " " Wow , " Jack remarked , " it must have been tough fighting with yourself for all those years . Did you ever get caught ? You know , by your parents or anyone ? " " Almost . One time I left a wet diaper under my bed on house cleaning day but luckily my mom never found it . My parents would have gone ballistic if she had . " " Well , maybe not . I 'm not sure anymore . In the last few days , I 've caught myself thinking that maybe I could tell my parents about my diapers . I don 't know . " " I was hoping that you would consider rooming with me . It would be perfect . You 're a more serious student than I am , so your influence would probably be good . When I first applied for State I told them about my diapers ( I called it ' special needs , ' Jack said giggling . ) and they consented to giving me a room alone . Because there are no private rooms available to freshmen I was given a double . If you wanted , we could share the room . What do you say ? " With that they arrived at the campus . Jack directed Darryl to the dorm parking lot . They got Darryl registered and reassigned to Jack 's room . About an hour later they had unpacked the car and were staring at a pile of boxes and suitcases in the dorm room . Jack gave Darryl the complete tour and introduced him to some of the friends he had made during the first semester . Darryl felt completely at home . College was going to be even better than he had dared imagine . After lunch , they went back to the room to unpack . In the middle of it all , Darryl asked the question that been on his mind all day . " I wrote the story last semester . I 've been thinking of posting it on the net . Here , read it and tell me what you think . " " Cool . I 'll change you and then you can change me . One of the greatest things about the dorm is how hot they heat the rooms . I usually don 't wear pants when I 'm in here . " Hi . My name is Jack Duncan . I 'm eighteen years old and I wear diapers 24 / 7 . For those of you who don 't know what that means , it stands for 24 hours - a - day , seven days a week . I 'm not sick or anything ; I wear them because I like to . I didn 't always know this about myself . It was my mom who got me into wearing diapers . That may sound kind of weird so I 'd better explain how it all happened . My mom is a pediatrician and she had a patient , Nicki , who had a severe wetting problem . He was born in the former Soviet Union and his parents emigrated to the United States a few years after the USSR collapsed , in about 1993 , when he was eleven . His dad was a civil engineer who got a job with the local coal mining company where I live . It 's a small place called Porterville . The coal mines directly or indirectly employ just about everybody who lives in and around Porterville . Anyway , they moved here and immediately began trying to find a doctor who could help Nicki . His parents were ready to try anything to make him dry . They brought him to my mom who put him through all the tests she knew about . The conclusions were indisputable : it was a neuro - muscular problem with no known cure . Nicki and his parents were devastated . My mom felt bad for them so she recommended that they visit a specialist at Chicago Children 's Hospital . They spent a lot of money on more tests and exams . The results came back the same . No known therapy and no known cure . By this time , other kids had found out that Nicki wore diapers . A significant number of kids began taunting and teasing him . I knew what was really going on so I tried to protect him from them . But it didn 't really do much good . Except for me and a couple of other friends , no one wanted to associate with him . He became extremely depressed . He was a very smart kid ( he had mastered English in just a few months ) but he seemed to have lost all desire to improve himself . He would show up at school without his homework ( even though he had really done it ) . He even began withdrawing from the few friends he had . He would only reluctantly come out to play with us for fear of being taunted by the others . One day my mom asked to talk to me after dinner . She told me that Nicki felt isolated because he thought he was all alone in the world with his problem . She thought that his sense of isolation could be lessened if he met other kids with similar wetting problems . " No , honey . Let 's think of it more as therapy . If you pretended to be a boy who has bedwetting problems you could maybe get Nicki to talk openly about his feelings . You would be able to put him at ease . He desperately needs an outlet . " I wasn 't sure what to say . I kind of knew what my mother wanted . She wanted me to be a role model to Nicki : to be someone his age who also wore diapers because of a bladder control problem . If he thought that wearing diapers didn 't bother me , maybe his need for diapers wouldn 't bother him so much . " Well , you wouldn 't have to wear them all the time . Maybe you could have sleepovers with him once or twice a month . No one else would need to know . " I thought she was going to get me disposables but she explained that it would be better if I wore what Nicki wore . She ordered me a supply of cloth diapers and plastic pants . When they arrived about a week later , I was home sick with a cold . My mom began unpacking the order . " When you have sleepovers , Nicki is going to see your room . If you only have two or three diapers he might not take you seriously . Didn 't you tell me that you saw lots of diapers at his house ? " " In your room , of course . We can make room for the plastic pants in the bottom drawer of your dresser and the diapers can go onto the shelves in your closet . Don 't worry , they won 't be seen by anyone else . " " The sooner you tell Nicki about your " bedwetting , " the sooner he 'll start feeling better about himself . When you invite him for a sleepover you 'll have to look natural in your diapers and plastic pants . If the first time you wear them is when he comes over , he might wonder why you don 't seem used to them . " " We 'll see . You really are something special , honey , " my mom said , giving me a hug . " What you 're doing for Nicki is very kind and very brave . Now let 's get you diapered . " My mom helped me take my pajama bottoms off . She laid me on a towel and powdered me thoroughly , front and back . By the time she slid the thick diaper under me I was shaking like a leaf . I calmed down a little bit . She pinned the diaper and slid the plastic pants up my legs . The elastics at the waist and leg openings felt a little snug but , all things considered , it didn 't feel so bad to be in a diaper . My mom asked me to stand up to put my pajama bottoms back on . They wouldn 't fit . " I guess you 'll need larger pajamas . See , we do need to practice so that we can correct all the unexpected problems we run into . I 'll buy you some new pajamas later today . Now , get back into bed and rest . " " Eventually , I suppose so . If you have several sleepovers with Nicki he 'll probably think it 's suspicious if you always wake up dry . But , we don 't have to worry about that now . " I spent the rest of that morning and most of the afternoon in bed . My mom had gone to her practice for a couple of hours to keep her scheduled appointments . When she got back she showed me the new pajamas she had bought . They were pretty cool - they were in a space ship motif that I really liked . Around dinner time , I asked my mom if I could take my diaper off because I needed to go to the bathroom . I had actually tried to wet but I couldn 't get the hang of how to do it . The more I concentrated on wetting , the more impossible it seemed to be . She came in and took the diaper off me . " No , not really , " I said . I hadn 't paid much attention to them because of my headache but now that I thought about it they didn 't bother me at all . " I kinda forgot I even had them on . " I was quickly rediapered and put into my new pajamas . They fit very well but anyone who looked at me would be able to tell that I was wearing something very bulky underneath . With all his experience Nicki would know right away that I was in diapers , especially since the plastic pants rustled and crinkled as I moved . I decided then and there that I would never give anyone else the opportunity to see me this way . My fever was down so my mom allowed me to watch TV although she insisted that I stay wrapped up in a blanket . She gave me a large glass of juice as she headed off to her home office to write some reports . About an hour later , I was sort of dozing when I felt the urge to pee . I relaxed and the pee started flowing . Not a lot , but enough so that I could feel the warmth as it soaked into my diaper . I was really proud of myself . I had succeeded at wetting my diaper , and I was confident that I could do it again . I remember thinking that my mom would be pleased , too . Now I could invite Nicki to a sleepover and know that I could " accidentally " wet during the night . I really wanted to help Nicki and this first wetting of my diaper seemed like an important step to that end . I was back in school the next day and my friends were envious of my " day off " until they saw the amount of homework I had to do to catch up with them . I was pretty busy that night and the next day but by Friday I was all caught up . During these days , my mom and I discussed how to reveal my " problem " to Nicki . We decided that my cover story ought be really simple . The final version went something like this : I hadn 't told Nicki about my bedwetting because it had tapered off to practically nothing . Unfortunately , in the last few months , it had returned worse than ever . I wanted to let him know about it because I knew that I could trust him with the secret . Because of my cold my mom wouldn 't let me invite Nicki until the following week . I took advantage of a moment when he and I were alone to invite him to the sleepover . He started out by saying that his parents wouldn 't allow it . I pressed him until he admitted that he was too embarrassed about his diapers to let anyone see him in them . I pointed out that I saw him in them every day since he wore them under his regular clothes . He said that that was different . It took me two days but I finally convinced him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about . My mom was his doctor and I didn 't care what he wore . I just wanted to have some fun on a sleepover . I told him about my plans : we would go to the video store to pick out some movies and I also had lots of games we could play . My mom called his mom and the plans were all set . He would come over in mid - afternoon on Saturday and stay over until after lunch on Sunday . They day of the sleepover I must have slept in later than usual . I was awakened by a banging on my window . ( Most of the houses in town were one - floor and we kids had gotten into the habit of looking for each other by knocking on each other 's bedroom windows . ) I jumped out of bed and realized that my wet diaper and plastic pants were giving a prominent bulge to my pajamas . I raced to my closet and stripped off my pajamas and put on a pair of jeans ( that I hid my diaper ) and a long - sleeved shirt . I ran to the window and opened the curtains . I stopped in the bathroom to brush my teeth and to comb my hair . I ran outside to meet them . We started heading toward a vacant lot where we frequently played . My plan was to watch for my mom ( who was probably grocery shopping ) to drive by on her way home . I would say that I had a message for her from one of her patients . I 'd go home and get out of my diaper and plastic pants and rejoin my friends in the vacant lot . We started tossing the ball around but this quickly got boring . We decided to switch to a game of our own invention that was one - third keep away , one - third rugby , and one - third who - knows - what . The rules were simple . Whoever had the ball ran toward the goal line ( the street ) until he was touched . He had to give the ball up to whoever had touched him and then that person became the player to stop . Of course , this led to all kinds of arguments and mayhem . ( I touched him first . " " No , you didn 't . " " Yes , I did . " " Well , I 've got the ball so try to catch me . " etc . etc . ) The longer the game was played , the rougher it got . We loved it . We had been playing for a while when I saw my mom drive home . I was so engrossed in the game that I didn 't want to stop , especially since I was the only one who had scored any points . Anyway , I had the ball again and I was doing a good job of escaping from the others when Brad managed to catch me below the knees at the same time that Frank started grabbing the ball out of my hands . I guess my pants must have slipped a little bit because Brad got the idea that he could stop me by pulling my pants down around my knees . He gave them another tug at the same instant that Frank made a second stronger grab at the ball that I was still holding onto tightly . Brad wound up falling over onto his back laughing hysterically because between the two of them they had pulled me right out of my pants . I was left more or less on my feet . I still refused to let go of the ball as I tried to break Frank 's hold . It took me a second to remember what I was wearing and then everything switched into slow motion . My first thought was totally stupid : " Damn , I should have put on a belt . " Then , I let go of the ball . When Frank turned around to see why I was giving it up , he froze in place . Behind me , Brad suddenly stopped laughing as he sat up . The worst part was the way Nicki was looking at me . His cold stare said it all . " You let me get insulted and abused by the other kids when you yourself also wear diapers . Why did you let me suffer alone ? I never want to see you again . Ever . " I knew that I had to say something , and fast , or I would wreck all the plans my mom and I had made to help Nicki . " Please , stop . If I have to , I 'll follow you all the way home in just my diaper and plastic pants . You 've got to listen . Please . " " Don 't you see , Nicki ? This is why I wanted to have the sleepover tonight . I needed to tell you . I 'm sorry I didn 't do it earlier but it 's awfully complicated . " Nicki 's face softened . I knew that he would listen to me . But what would I say ? I wished that my mom were there to help me . " God , Jack , I 'm sorry . I didn 't know … You never even said … Please don 't hate me , " Brad said . " You see , I 've been a bedwetter for a long time . By the time you moved here , Nicki , it had practically gone away . That 's why I didn 't say anything to you . I was afraid that you would feel even worse it you knew that I had stopped needing diapers . But , just a few months ago the bedwetting started coming back . And now , the wetting is much worse than ever before . " I hadn 't practiced an answer to that . What other reason could there be for me wearing them outside to play ? I got flustered and said the first thing that came into my head . Frank and Brad seemed uncomfortable . I felt that they wanted to get out of there as soon as possible . I began to feel the fears that Nicki had always lived with . Would my friends abandon me because of my diapers ? We split up . I ran home . By the time I got there I was in tears . I ran to my room and threw myself onto the bed . My mother left me alone until my cries had subsided . " I want to help Nicki . I guess I 'll have to wear diapers full - time for a little while , at least . I don 't think Brad and Frank will stop being my friends . They stayed friends with Nicki even though a lot of other kids didn 't . Unless , they think that two diaper - wearing friends is too much . But , even if everybody else stops being my friend , I 'm pretty sure that I 'll always have Nicki , " I said hopefully . I never expected my two best friends Brad and Frank to find out about my diapers . My mom and I had planned for " my problem " to be a bedwetting problem , not a twenty - four a day problem . Worse still , I would have to go even more " public . " My seventh grade class had PE every Monday , Wednesday , and Friday afternoon . People had found out about Nicki 's diapers because his parents had insisted that he be treated like everyone else . I would be joining him in changing in the locker room with all the other guys . I dreaded what would happen . Nicki and I talked about the PE class during our sleepover . We agreed that hiding my diapers would be impossible . He thought that my best bet was to act as normal as possible . He thought that since I already had the respect of the other kids they would probably leave me alone . I wasn 't so sure . My mom was worried , too . On Monday morning she called the school and talked to Mr . Clarke , the PE teacher , and told him that , for medical reasons , I would be in diapers indefinitely . He told her that he would keep an eye out and that he would make sure that nothing happened . Mr . Clarke was a nice guy but his attempts to protect Nicki from taunts and teasing weren 't very effective . I was pretty sure that he wouldn 't be able to protect me from the other guys . I would have to do it myself . The problem was that I didn 't have a clue how . One - thirty came and for the first time ever I wasn 't anxious for PE class to start . Brad and Frank had been treating me normally all day . I hoped that their loyalty would carry over once I was exposed as a " diaper boy " in the locker room . Everybody started changing . I took off my shirt and put on my gym t - shirt . I took my gym shorts out of the locker and laid them next to me on the bench . I unbuckled my pants and tried to get out of them as fast as I could . The first person to react to my diaper and plastic pants was Peter Marshal . Peter was a hyperactive pain - in - the - neck who was constantly causing trouble . Heads turned and followed his pointing finger . Right to my plastic pants . Mr . Clark tried to intervene to stop the commotion that was building . I was trying to stay calm but my hands were shaking violently as I pulled up my gym shorts . My diaper was finally covered but not forgotten . Up until this point , I had always gotten along well with my classmates so I felt betrayed and isolated . Brad , Frank , Nicki , and I left the locker room first . The other guys followed after Mr . Clarke gave them a long and loud lecture about respect . We played touch football that day . The game didn 't go too badly . In fact , out on the field , several of the guys whispered their support to me or made comments about what a jerk Peter was . I was amazed . This was going much better than I thought it would . Playing back the scene in the locker room , I realized that only Peter , Alex , Travis , and Eddie had made negative comments . No one else had not joined in . The class ended and we went back to the locker room for showers . Most guys didn 't want to shower publicly but Mr . Clarke insisted on it . I guess Mr . Clarke 's words did have an effect on the guys . No one made any comments as Nicki and I unpinned our wet diapers and put them into plastic bags to take home . The shower room was quieter than usual and , afterwards , even though I was very clumsy while putting on my own diaper , not a word was said . " Look , it 's Baby Nicki and Baby Jack and their baby sitters . Tell us - are you getting good at changing diapers , Brad and Frank ? " Alex taunted . Peter said that it was too bad that Brad and Frank didn 't wear diapers , too . That way , the next time the PE class played baseball our four diapered butts could be used as the bases . Travis said something equally stupid . Strangely , Eddie just walked away from his friends without looking at us or making any comments . " It won 't do any good , " he explained . " If you pick a fight one of you will win and the other will lose . Whoever loses will want revenge and the cycle of fighting will never end . The best thing to do is to ignore them . You can see that no one else is joining in with them . It will die down soon . In fact , now that there are two of us in diapers it will die down sooner . Most people really like you and they won 't join in on the stupid things that those guys are saying " I wasn 't convinced that he was right . I went along with him , though , because his spirits seemed to have improved a lot since he found out that I wore diapers , too . In just a few days he was proven right . Alex , Peter , and Travis ran out of new insults to throw at us so they started recycling old ones . The other kids got impatient with them and began telling them to lay off . I wondered about Eddie . He was no longer hanging around with his old friends . He didn 't seem to have any primary group anymore . After a few days of hanging around by himself he suddenly asked if he could talk to Nicki and me . With that we headed off to the lunch room . We went to our usual spot where Brad and Frank were waiting for us . They were very surprised to see Eddie with us . Nicki went straight to the heart of the matter . Brad and Frank agreed . Eddie fit it in right away . His old friends gave him a little trouble about wanting to play with the " babies " but he just ignored them . He made a point of telling us several times that he had a lot more in common with us than he did with them . Several months went by and we had all adjusted to our new circumstances . I barely thought about my days " before diapers . " I now had as big a diaper and plastic pants supply as Nicki . It didn 't bother me at all that my friends saw them lying around the laundry room or piled up in my bedroom . Eddie was the only one who seemed a little shy about seeing them . I noticed that he would look quickly away from them if he happened to spot them . Also , one day when Eddie was there , my mom asked me to take a load of diapers and plastic pants back to my room . I picked up the large pile of diapers from on top of the dryer and asked him if he would mind grabbing the plastic pants and bringing them to my room . He agreed but by the time we got to my room he was all red in the face and his hands were shaking . " I 'm sorry , " I apologized . " I didn 't mean to embarrass you . I guess I 'm so used to them now that I don 't give my diapers and plastic pants a second thought . I forget how weird it must seem that I wear them . " Eddie began to cry . I was totally confused . I didn 't want my mother coming in so I shut the door . Eddie got control of himself about a minute later . " She won 't , " I assured him . " She always knocks first . And , besides , she working on stuff in her office . Stop worrying . " He unbuckled his pants and slid them down taking his underwear with them at the same time . I was busy collecting pins and powder . Eddie 's eyes grew round as he saw the powder . " Of course , you 'll start itching if I don 't . The plastic pants hold a lot of heat , you know . And then , when you wet your diaper the powder will protect your skin . " By now Eddie was laying on the bed on top of the changing pad . He lifted up so that I could slide the diaper under him . His stiffie was very evident . Mine had grown inside my diaper , too . I sprinkled powder on his diaper area and spread it around without touching his penis . He rolled over and I did his behind . As I pulled the diaper material up between his legs and began pinning it , he started making the strangest noises . It sounded like a baby gurgling . He got red again and stopped . I finished putting in the last pin and he tried to get up . I adjusted his plastic pants and he was ready . I turned him around so that he could see himself in the dresser mirror . He began giggling more or less uncontrollably . He lifted his shirt and looked at himself from every angle possible . We sat down on the floor of my room and talked for awhile . Eddie told me about all the times he had wished to be put into diapers and how hard it is was for him to hide his feelings . All the time he was talking , Eddie ran his hands over the smooth surface of the plastic pants , feeling the diaper material underneath . Over and over , he repeated how this was the happiest day of his life . I cleaned him off with a couple of wipes and got him into a fresh diaper . It just so happened that this diaper was from the second set that my mother had ordered . These were slightly thicker . When he put his pants back on , his crotch was noticeably fuller with a very definite roundness visible on his backside ( the same thing happened to me when I wore these diapers ) . I pointed this out to him . I shrugged and agreed that I was probably exaggerating how obvious his diaper was . I changed myself into a fresh diaper and we waited for the other guys to arrive . They came about fifteen minutes later . For some reason nobody felt like doing anything so we sat around my room talking about all kinds of stuff . We covered all the topics of interest to twelve year old boys including which girls wore bras with padding and which didn 't . After a while Nicki remembered that he had left a sweatshirt at my house a couple of weeks before and that his mother was bugging him about bringing it home . I told him that my mom had washed it and that it was still in the laundry room . We went to get it while the other guys stayed in my room . " Please , " he said in an exaggerated tone , stretching out the word ' please ' until it sounded like he was saying " pull - ease " . " I know what diapers look like . Do you now what 's going on ? " Eddie " borrowed " diapers from me more and more often as the weeks went by . I sensed that my mother was noticing the extra laundry . I had to say something to Eddie . " I 've heard my mom on the phone talking about bedwetting . I remember that she once said that bedwetting can be very mysterious . It can suddenly appear , even in older kids , and then mysteriously disappear . " He wasted no time putting a plan into action . The next morning at school he told me that he had flooded his bed the night before and that his mom was very worried about it . She had already made an appointment with my mom for after school . I got a sinking feeling . I should have known that my mom would put two and two together . I already knew that she was suspicious about my apparent increased diaper use . To have one of my best friends show up with a sudden wetting problem was just too coincidental for her to believe . I didn 't say anything . My mom knew that this was practically an admission of guilt . " Look , Jack . I can 't give a false diagnosis to Eddie 's parents . That would be highly unprofessional and I could even lose my license to practice medicine . On the other hand , I understand how important loyalty is to you . I 'll have to think about what I should do . " I really felt depressed . I didn 't want my mom to get caught in the middle . I went to see Eddie . I told him everything that my mom had said . At first he was really upset with me . Eventually , he calmed down and said that he understood . Still , he couldn 't tell his parents the truth . He was so committed to the plan that he couldn 't see that it had already failed . He flooded his bed again that night . Eddie 's mom called my mom for another consultation . My mom asked to speak to her and her husband alone . They set up a meeting for 10 : 30 when Eddie would be in school My mom began the consultation by telling Eddie 's parents that she was 99 % sure that the cause of the bedwetting was not physical . The next likely cause was emotional or physical abuse . She said that there was certainly no evidence of either kind of abuse in the home . She asked his parents if there were any relatives or neighbors who could possibly be abusing Eddie . They were appalled at the idea and doubted very much that anything like that was going on . " That leaves us with one last major possibility , " my mom continued . " Eddie could be doing this out of a desire to imitate his friends . Of course , you know that I mean Jack and Nicki . He may not even be conscious of the connection , although I believe he is . I think that it is very likely that he has developed a strong attraction to diapers because they fill some emotional need inside of him . If we asked him , I doubt very much that he could identify what that need was . You could try talking to him in a logical fashion and point out that you love him , that he has a secure home life , and that all his needs are being met . But I doubt that that would change what he is feeling . " " Now , dear , " Eddie 's mother interrupted , " that 's not fair to the doctor . It 's not her son 's fault . Or Nicki 's fault . Is it ? " " " I am in a very difficult position here , as you can imagine , because my son is involved , " my mother answered . " I can give you some literature on the topic that I researched last night . I think that Nicki and my son 's diapers was merely the trigger that was handy for Eddie . If that hadn 't been there , it would have been diaper ads on TV or in magazines that would have triggered his desires . " " Marsha , my wife and I have read over the literature . It seems to us that our course of action is pretty clear . Especially after we read the stuff written by kids who have the urge to be in diapers again , " Eddie 's father said . Eddie was already standing by the door when I opened it . I would have known that he was diapered even if I hadn 't seen the bulge in his crotch area . His face was glowing . We went into my room and I shut the door . " After my parents picked me up they told me we were going shopping in Centreville . I asked them why . ' To get you some diapers , ' my dad said . ' For my bedwetting ? ' I asked . ' And for whatever other reason you want them , ' my mom answered . I got real nervous , tears were starting to form in my eyes . I didn 't know what to say . They knew that I wanted diapers , not that I needed them . My mom saw that I was getting upset and she said that she and my dad had talked to your mom and that your mom had given them some stuff to read . These were articles about kids like me who want to wear diapers . My parents said that they didn 't want me doing things behind their back and that if wearing diapers meant that I would be happy , that was OK with them . I got the feeling that my dad was less happy about it than my mom , but he said OK anyway . Isn 't it great ? " Within a few days , Eddie let Nicki , Brad , and Frank in on his secret . Frank and Brad groaned saying that they didn 't know it they could take three diaper - wearing friends . Of course , they were only kidding . Eddie turned out to be quite an exhibitionist whenever the five of us were together , anyway . At any one of our houses , he would take his pants off and walk around in just his diaper and plastic pants . Once summer came around , Nicki and I joined him . It was really cool ( literally and figuratively ) ! In fact , it became standard dress after a while . Frank and Brad occasionally complained about this , but mostly to tease us . Amazingly , Eddie 's secret stayed in our circle . No one that I know of ever found out . Things went on unchanged until the end of eighth grade . One day late in May , Nicki announced that his dad was being transferred . The coal company wanted to make a major investment in Russian coal mines and his dad was getting a job as liaison between the Russian and American operations . At first his dad had resisted . But since the company guaranteed that he would be paid an American salary , in American dollars , he couldn 't refuse . By comparison to the rest of the people in Russia , they would be rich . They would be moving back to Russia during the summer . The news hit us all hard . We all liked Nicki and he liked us . It was a painful parting and we all promised to keep in touch . Of course , this lasted for only a few months . He established his new life and ours continued on without him . I had already thought about this . I was now in the same position as Eddie had been in about a year before . I had grown to love my diapers and I didn 't want to give them up . " It 's whatever you want . The decision is yours . I just wanted to clear the air so that you wouldn 't wonder what my opinion was . And , what about Eddie ? Will you tell him the truth about why you wear diapers ? " she continued " We decided that I shouldn 't tell him . I don 't know , maybe I should have . I just didn 't want him to think that I had manipulated him . Like you said at the beginning , we weren 't lying to him - we were giving him therapy . " And that was it . She had given me permission to make up my mind about what I wanted to do . Little by little Eddie and I began adding to our diaper games . We started by getting baby bottles and pacifiers . Then we moved on to the internet where we discovered baby clothes available in our sizes . We weren 't old enough to buy them ourselves so we had to let our parents in on the game . Once again , they told us to make up our own minds . At birthdays and at Christmas they even began to surprise us with special treats : baby print diapers , sleepers , toddler - style overalls , and baby shirts . Naturally , all of this was kept very private . Not even Frank or Brad knew about this stuff . " Perhaps not , " Darryl agreed , " but you 've got to post this somewhere on the net . There are lots of kids out there who need to know that a desire to wear diapers doesn 't make them some kind of freak . I know that I agonized over my diaper desires for years . The more that kids find out about other people 's experiences , the better the odds that they 'll feel better about themselves . I know . I was scared to death as a kid . " " Even just last week I was terrified of what they might say . Now , I want them to know all about me . I 'm not scared to tell them anymore . " " I tell you what , " Jack answered . " Let 's go up to his room and find out if he wants to go get something to eat . You can ask him all those questions yourself . " Adult Diaper Stories thanks you for your visit . We hope you found a Diaper Story you like . Try using our Google Search Box which will scan 1000 's of Diaper Stories and Abdl Stories in seconds for you . All you need to do is type something in the search box that interests you . 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Their transport pod had landed about a mile from the facility they were heading towards , and Samson suddenly knew why he would never live in the desert . Even on this night so late in the year , it was hot . Since Black Circle Industries was about five miles outside of Cairo , there was no barrier for the wind out here in the desert . Samson tried to dig the small grains of sand out of his eyes , knowing that he 'd be finding sand in places for months to come . Twenty minutes . That was how long it took for the rescue group to get ready to set out . Sata put her sword back in the sheath at her side and re - tied her jet - black hair to the back of her head . Artus turned to Samson , Sata , and Angela . Samson looked at his mother , then over to his rookery aunt . Both females seemed old to him . At that moment in his life , he could never see himself being that old . Neither of them was weak , though . They had spirit and drive , but Samson was unsure of how exactly this would turn out . The four gargoyles and one human stepped out of the transport pod , Samson grabbing a small pulse pistol from its case in the door . The act went unnoticed by his mother , but he realized that she had not taken a weapon at all . They had been raised in very different times , trained in different ways of fighting . He had confidence that his mother could still hold her own against an opponent . A glimmering flash of light drew the group 's attention to their left . Samson immediately went for his pistol , pointing it directly at the attraction . The image seemed odd to him , as he was not versed in the world of magic as others in his clan , including his mother , were . The serpent woman and her followers seemed to step out of the air itself , coming from some place he did not even want to think about . " Watch your tongue ! " Isfet yelled at the female Timedancer . " Your mate 's life is now in our hands . You were told to stay away , and now you will pay for your disobedience . " The bright shimmer appeared again , taking Isfet and her dark clad followers away from the scene . Angela looked at the others , clearly a bit shaken . " Are you sure we can do this ? " " Gwen ? " Brooklyn asked , the figure in the door almost unrecognizable from the light behind her . But Brooklyn knew who she was . Everything came together in his mind , like the final pieces of a puzzle . She came towards him , her face as beautiful as he remembered it being . She was clearly older , but it was the age of someone who had lived her life the way she wanted it to . Brooklyn put his arms on her shoulders and pulled her into a hug , holding onto her as if she were going to run away again . Gwenyvere smiled , looking down at the ground for a moment . " He 's told me everything about you two . He makes me happy . Deep down underneath all of his years , he is a good person . I think I 'm the only thing he is capable of loving anymore . " " I 've heard a lot about you . I assure you , you 're safe anywhere in the complex . But we can go to my room . We might not be as noticed there , " Gwenyvere said . She motioned towards the door , walking in front of the line . Brooklyn followed . " You knew we were here ? " he asked , trying not to sound accusatory . Gwen shook her head when the three were out in the hallway . " I knew you had escaped , " she said . " Don 't worry . He would never hurt somebody I loved . " The wind was harsh against Sata 's skin , but she knew this had to be done . Samson and Angela were on each side of her , while she watched the backsides of Artus and Alex in front of her . They had been walking for no more than twenty minutes , but in this weather it had seemed like twenty hours . There had been no place for them to take to the air . Even if there had been , the wind was so unpredictable that it would not have been a very good idea . Artus and Alex stopped , the gargoyle holding out his hand to tell the others to do the same . The compound was right in front of them , although the quintet of rescuers were off to the side . Why Harthoth had chosen this desolate place to build such a structure escaped Sata 's mind . " This is where we should split , " Artus told them , raising his voice over the wind . " Give us an hour to get in . Lay low and stay out of sight until then . " Angela took her eldest and hugged him , whispering in his ear to be careful . They released each other , and Artus went to his brother . He took his brother 's hand , realizing that they were almost the same size now . Artus knew that great things lay in his younger sibling 's future . The Leader looked at Sata and smiled . Stern and ready for a battle , the samurai simply nodded back in acknowledgement . Gwenyvere 's room was extremely well lit , and Brooklyn could see the main part of Cairo out of her window . He knew they were off to the side of the city , out of view of the general public . Yet , Brooklyn knew , the people of the city could always see the building if they chose to do so . Gwen held out her hand , motioning for her two guests to sit down . She turned to Meryt , seeing the age in her eyes . " How long have you known Harthoth ? " she asked . Meryt smiled , looking at Brooklyn . She always tried not to get caught up in that time of her life . She had been happy and set in her ways , until that fateful day so long ago . " Longer than anyone still living , my dear . Of all the things he has done , even to me , I 've never hated him . He has a good heart , it is simply misdirected . " It would be nine years before the Timedancer would return to Manhattan , and nineteen years before he returned a second time . It was foggy that night , and the view Gwenyvere saw was so unfamiliar it made her stomach churn . No one would let her have a place to call home , and she promised to herself upon seeing the Eyrie Pyramid that she would make her own home one day . Their boat hit land with a soft thud , bringing all five gargoyles out of their own daydreams . Gwenyvere looked at Persephone , who had decided to come back with them from Avalon . She was happy that her brother had found love in this female , even if Gwen did not know her very well . The message had come a week earlier , being thrown through Titania 's Mirror by an unknown person . It had explained everything , but mainly that the Manhattan clan was now in need of a leader . There had been no clear line of succession , so the clan elders had turned to bloodlines , and chosen Artus . He had been the most logical choice , it seemed . He was to return home for training as quickly as possible , to hopefully become the clan 's new leader within two years . Mother had opted to go with Artus , and yet again drag Gwenyvere away from the place she had come to regard as home . " What do we do now ? " Samson asked , his young and innocent voice making Gwenyvere smile . She had no idea of the life that he was going to be forced to lead . Angela looked down at her youngest child , then back up at the Manhattan skyline . " I suppose we should go to the castle first off and check in . I 'm sure there is paperwork and other bureaucratic things that need to be done before anything is official . I 'm anxious to find out everything that has changed . " Gwenyvere would always remember how happy her mother sounded , the absolute blissfulness of her voice . It made her want to scream . This had not been her choice . She had never decided anything on her own . She knew that someday that would all change . She would make her own home ; make her own choices , away from the influence of her mother and her dismal search for happiness . She knew the stories of how Angela had left her home of Avalon when Goliath and the others had come with the Guardian . Her mother had thrown off the balance of both the Avalon and Manhattan clans simply so she could have some type of peace of mind . She should have stayed on Avalon all those years ago . It would have been so much easier for everyone else . But Gwenyvere knew that was not the way of things . Sighing , she saw her family making the trek towards the hunkering mass that was the Eyrie Pyramid . Some day , she told herself . All she had to do was wait for the right moment . " A couple handfulls of years later , you and Sata came , " Gwenyvere said , seeing the look in Brooklyn 's eyes . " I thought that maybe you were my chance , my hope for escape and a life free of my mother 's meddling . Those thoughts faded fairly quickly , though . " " You don 't have to say anything , Brooklyn , " she stopped him . " It wasn 't the way things were meant to be , and it sure wasn 't your fault . I try not to remember much from that time of my life , but I remember being lonely . I also remember you were the first hope I had of ever having a friend . When you left , well . . . " she trailed off . " It was bad when you left . I didn 't know how I was going to get from one day to the next without having a complete breakdown . The only thing that seemed to keep me together was Sata . " Sata sat in her room , trying to cry . She did not want the others to see her like that . She had to be strong for her children . The jade gargoyle undid the ties in her hair and reached for her brush . As she was working out the tangles as she did almost every night before sunrise , the castle 's computer alerted her that someone was at her door . The figure , of course , was not Brooklyn . Angela walked into the dimly lit room , a smile upon her face . Sata always saw Angela in that way , as if it was her duty to be content and happy with everything that was going on around her . The samurai realized that there were drying tears running down her cheeks , and she quickly wiped them away . Her eyes were probably red , and she was glad that she was not out in public . " It is nothing , " Sata said , motioning for Angela to take a seat . " All you have to do is say it , " Sata told her . " You have all been so kind to me . I would be happy to return your compassion . " " It 's been getting worse , and the situation with Brooklyn hasn 't helped . She won 't listen to me anymore . She loves Broadway and Artus , but she isn 't going to take their advice in this . " " You are family , Sata , " Angela told her . " And at the same time , you 're not . Maybe you can bring some type of perspective into her life . " Sata smiled , picking her brush back up . " I shall do what I can . She has the blood of warriors in her veins . " The jade gargoyle swung her black hair over her shoulder and continued to brush it . " Perhaps it will help me pass the time until Brooklyn returns . " Of all the ideas that had gotten into her mother 's head as of late , this one seemed to be the worst of them . Gwenyvere glided in the cool night wind , not paying attention to anything going on around her . The samurai was a few feet to her right , and had not said a word since they left on patrol that evening . She knew they were all playing some kind of mind games with her , but she was not sure why . Gwenyvere was almost positive that her mother was doing all of this for her own gain . Maybe she wanted her daughter gone for good , to make her run back to Avalon and the open arms of the clan who lived there . Or maybe not even that . There were so many possibilities , Gwen knew , and her mother was capable of every single one of them . The two females touched ground , Gwenyvere wondering exactly what Sata was up to . She looked out over the city skyline , breathing out a small sigh of relief . She found a sense of peace in looking at the chaos of Manhattan from this high above . Sata nodded . " I miss him . I knew that I could never go home again , so I made my home with him . And now he 's gone . " The samurai was not allowing herself to cry , but Gwenyvere could hear the edge of tears in her voice . " This place , as wonderful as it is , can never be my home . Not without him being here by my side . " Gwenyvere nodded . " This isn 't my home , either . I was taken from my home ninety years ago and I can never go back . This is all my mother 's fault , you know . If we had never left I wouldn 't be this way . " " We can not change the past . Trust me , I know . All we can do is live the lives we are given . You have so much anger , child . I hope that perhaps I might be able to help you control that , " Sata told her , still looking out over the city . Gwenyvere shook her head . " Don 't bother , " she said . " I 'm going home . " Without another word , the younger female jumped off into the night air , gliding back in the direction of the Eyrie . Sata stood there for a moment , watching her silhouette become smaller and smaller . She shook her head . " Anything I ever did , Sata was there to help . If she could take the blame for all the things that got me in trouble , she would . " Gwenyvere leaned back in her chair , her eyes watering over . " I wish I could see her again . " Gwen smiled . " I had no respect for her at first . I didn 't even have any respect for myself . Something happened one day that made all of that change . It made me realize that she was just like me . " How could they do this to her ? They knew she was miserable , and that all it would take to make her feel better was a little information . Sata cried , something she did not like to do in public , especially around others who looked up to her . She had stormed out of Artus ' office in a hurry . There was a reason that they were withholding this information from her , she knew . Sata just did not agree with those reasons . She was not the one the Gate had chosen for this journey . What purpose did a medieval samurai gargoyle from Japan have in this time period ? She had done nothing for the clan , aside from going out on patrols every now and then . She felt that she had even failed with Gwenyvere , whom she had grown to love like her own sister . The door beeped , indicating that someone was at the other end . The noise drew Sata out of her thoughts , making her realize that she did not want to see anybody this evening . " Please , go away , " she said . The beeping sound continued . Sighing , Sata asked , " Who 's there ? " " Sata ? " Gwenyvere 's voice came through . " It 's Gwen . Um , Artus told me something happened between you and mom . I thought maybe you might want to talk . " The slid open with a quiet shush and the younger gargoyle walked into the room . It was dark , and she could hardly see her mentor on the couch in the corner . Gwen walked over to Sata slowly , not realizing that the elder gargoyle was crying until she sat down next to her . Not quite sure what to do , Gwen put her arm around the older warrior . Sata simply collapsed into her . Gwenyvere sat there quietly while Sata cried , trying to think of something to say . She what not sure how long they sat there , but it was most of the night . Gwen ran her fingers through her hair , remembering her father doing the same thing when she was younger . " All I have here is my family , " Gwenyvere finally said . " And I don 't feel like I have them at all . I know that you don 't even have that , but I want you to know that . . . you have me . " Sata sat up , meeting Gwenyvere 's eyes . She wiped the tears from her eyes , even though most of the wetness had already dried on her face . The elder gargoyle smiled . " I 'm the one who is supposed to be helping you , " she said . The two gargoyles hugged each other , Sata realizing that this was her purpose . Gwenyvere had so much confusion inside of her . If she could help this one person , then her life would have meaning . They didn 't feel the sun coming up outside that morning , and the two slept in stone inside of Sata 's quarters . " This is almost too easy , " Alex said as he and Artus approached Harthoth 's complex . " A guy with this much money has to be a little paranoid . He should have the security system to show for it . " The two came up on what looked like a maintenance entrance . A large sign read EMPLOYEES ONLY in bold red letters . Alex knew that a building this far away from civilization most likely did not have to worry about intruders , but he guessed that there was at least one camera on them already . Artus reached for the door , already knowing that it was going to be locked . The knob did not turn , and the gargoyle turned to Alex . The human already held out a laser rifle and fired at the door as Artus moved aside . Turning back to the entrance , Artus saw the smoking hole and smiled . They climbed through the hole , finding themselves in a whitewashed back section of the complex . Pipes ran through the back end , and it seemed that no one had been back here in along time . Alex pulled out a pocket computer from a compartment on his exosuit , punching a few buttons to pull up a document . " The Black Circle Complex is set up very much like the Eyrie , " he informed Artus . " There are offices and quarters all in the same building . Considering the location of this place , that must be heaven for the workers . " " I have no clue . We put up the Pyramid because it was where the old Eyrie stood . It was a place of significance for me . Maybe this place is important to Harthesen for some reason . I can 't imagine why , though , " Alex told him . He showed him the image on the computer screen , pointing to a blinking red dot . " These are blueprints for the complex . The red dot is a tracking device in my exosuit that sends a signal directly to this computer . " " Best guess ? I 'd say either the living quarters or the basement . Brooklyn would be kept in some kind of cell , possibly even just a regular room . " Alex pointed to the location on the computer . " You can never be too careful . It 's your call as to where we go . I 'm just the advisor , not the leader , " the human said , sarcasm in his voice . A long thud signaled the light going off in the hallway , and Artus and Alex were left with only the residual light images of the hall . Soon that went away , and they were left in total darkness . Red beams of light were visible in the distance , and a rush of adrenaline in Artus ' veins caused his eyes to light the hallway once again . Suddenly the gargoyle felt a weight punch into his back . The pain did not come right away , and he had time to twist around and see that his assailant was merely a robot . It had a long steel rod for its right arm , and Artus could see trickles of his own blood on the end . The robot came towards him again with impressive speed , but he sidestepped out of the way . Artus heard a blast and saw the fighter - bot fly back into the hallway . He turned to Alex , who had a laser gun sticking out of the arm in his exosuit . He looked a lot like his father in old vids that Artus had seen . Artus turned back around , counting at least three similar robots blocking their path . Three blasts came from behind him , each hitting the bots dead on . He knew that the blast would not do much good from that distance , and he moved in for the attack . He pulled out the sword that he had brought along for the journey , knowing beforehand that he was going to have to use it . The gargoyle rushed the robots with a battle roar , his eyes blazing white fire despite the pain at the back of his skull . He slashed one down the middle , hearing the sword cut through the innards of the machine and the crackle of electrical sparks . In one motion , Artus continued to the second robot , hoping that he had enough momentum to get through his other attacker . The cut was sideways this time , and Artus stopped to eye the third robot . It was already moving in for an attack , and had hit him in the knee before the gargoyle could even devise a plan in his mind . He growled in pain , already feeling the second blow to his chest . He yelled out Alex 's name , hoping for some assistance , but saw in his peripheral vision that the human was occupied with another one of the robots . A third blow reached his head , and for the first time Artus started to feel the real effects of his first attack . With the robot behind him , he finally was able to go for another attack against the fighter - bot . His vision blurry , Artus missed his target , stumbling ahead past the robot . He knew that he was better than this . Better trained , better skilled . He pictured Brooklyn in his mind , knowing that he was somewhere inside this building . The Timedancer was his friend , one of the best he had ever had . He also knew that along with Brooklyn came answers . Answers about his family , about what had happened all of those years ago . He saw his friends and family in his mind , knowing that they were depending on his . Another blow to his back and Artus knew that it was the last one he was going to take . He turned around , growling the growl of having taken too much . He thrust his sword into the robot , pushing it deep into what he saw as its stomach . He turned the blade on its side , pulling it sideways through the machine . Again he attacked , this time cutting down from the head . It fell down in two pieces , the wires crackling with electricity . Artus turned back towards Alex , seeing his friend on the ground underneath yet another one of the attackers . This robot had a gun pointed at the human 's chest , and fired off three rounds as Artus made his way to aid his friend . It obviously was not able to crack Alex 's exosuit , but had him down enough that he could not get back up . Artus rushed towards them . Somehow , they all knew that this was coming . Even Sata could feel it , she just did not know when . She did not even have the chance to say goodbye . A little while after she had woken up , Alex had informed her personally that she had a message waiting for her . Apparently those close to her has received messages as well . Gwenyvere 's face filled her screen . " Hey . Um , I just wanted to tell you not to worry about me . You did your job . I know you have other people to look after . The eggs , for instance . They should hatch soon enough , and you don 't need to be looking after me . I 'm fine . I appreciate everything you did for me , Sata . Maybe I 'll be able to stay in touch . " She paused for a moment , as if thinking of something to say . " I love you . You were more of a mother to me than she ever was . " The screen went blank . Sata wiped her eyes , shaking her head . This was not what she had wanted . She had finally been able to make a home here , and she would not stand around and watch her family fall apart . She walked out of her room , knowing that it was her night to go out on patrol . Samson stood behind Artus ' desk as they both watched the message in front of them . Neither could believe that this was really happening . Samson was crying , and his brother had held out his hand to try and ease his pain . " I 'm sorry that I couldn 't send a message to each of you , " Gwenyvere 's image was saying . " I just don 't have the time . Hey , mom isn 't even getting one at all , so consider yourself special . Just know that I 'm going to be okay . I 'll have help . Please don 't try to find me . I 've done this on my own , and if I need either of you , I 'll let you know . I 'll see you around . " " Gwen 's never cared about anybody else but herself , brother , " Artus told him bluntly . " One thing 's for sure , though . She can take care of herself . We can get along without her . " " We both knew this was coming , daddy . We both know whose fault it is . Try not to blame her , though . I just had to leave . It was something that I had to do . I 'll try to call . Maybe on Father 's Day . Make it something for you to look forward to . I love you . " Broadway was not crying , but he understood what was going on . He could not blame Angela for this . It was not her fault , no matter how much Gwen tried to believe that it was . His daughter had so much anger inside of her . Sighing , Broadway took his mate into an embrace , letting her cry on his chest . He ran his talons through her hair , whispering to her that it would be okay . She continued to cry . Though he wanted to , Broadway never did cry . He had to be there for Angela . " Ground Leader , this is Scout , " Artus ' voice came through . " Your path is cleared . Use your bio - scanner to locate the target . If we do not meet in the building , you are to leave without us , understood ? " The jade gargoyle turned to Samson , who seemed to be meditating by the side of Harthoth 's building . She knew that he was too young to be caught up in this fight , but he had wanted to come for Brooklyn 's sake . Sata walked over to him and gently tapped on his shoulder , awakening the youth from his thoughts . " Mom ? " Samson asked , going towards Angela , who was resting on the ground a few feet away . The eldest gargoyle slowly opened her eyes , seeming somewhat troubled with whatever had been on her mind . Gwenyvere knew that she could make it the real world on her own . Her entire life she had taken orders from her family - no , just her mother . It was always her mother . That was going to change . The only person she had to answer to now was herself . For the first time in her life , Gwen was excited about the future . Her contact on the outside had given her a meeting place in an encrypted e - mail , telling Gwenyvere when and where to meet her at . The contact had told her that she would provide her with a place to stay for as long as it took for the girl to branch out into the world on her own , and she could not have been more grateful . This was her chance to escape all the pain she had experienced , and she was not going to miss out on it . Gwenyvere 's contact came out of the aircraft , and the young gargoyle smiled at seeing her . Running , she embraced her contact with a hug . " Thank you for coming , for allowing me to do this . " " I know . It 's just . . . " she paused for a moment , trying to think of the right thing to say . " A lot of people say that , but not all of them do it . " " I have a plan , my dear . Since you have an inherent affinity towards the magical arts , I shall instruct you in some various aspects . We can start with something that will allow you to appear as human to those around you . There is also something that will allow you to go out in the daytime without altering your entire genetic structure , such as I am cursed with . " " I know , dear . I know , " she said before Gwenyvere could launch into her normal tirade . " I have a room set up for you , something for you to have until you leave Manhattan . " Demona sighed quietly . " I only wish I had that luxury . Come on , " she said , ushering Gwenyvere into the aircraft . " Let 's go home . " Brooklyn sat in the over - sized chair , nodding slightly to himself at Gwenyvere 's story . He let the information absorb into his head , choosing his response carefully . This was not something he had been expecting . Gwenyvere smiled , nodding in response . " She is such a good person deep down . It 's just that only a few of us can make that part of her come out . No one knew , of course , especially not my mother . " " I know these names , " Meryt interjected , turning to Brooklyn . " You 've mentioned them before . They were just starting to form a relationship . How long has it been since then ? " she asked , knowing that it really was not important . Gwenyvere unzipped the large suitcase her grandmother had bought for her , wondering if she would be able to fill the case up . Her flight left in less than two hours , and she knew that she would never come back to this place . A new life awaited her across the ocean , and the young gargoyle could hardly contain her excitement . " I don 't know how to thank you . I mean . . . " she stalled for a moment . " I can do things that I never thought possible . I 've seen the sun and walked through Times ' Square during lunch hour . And it 's all because of you . " Gwenyvere stopped , knowing that she was about to cry . The two gargoyles walked through the corridors of Nightstone Industries , making their way to the private aircraft hanger near the top of the building . " Everything should be set up for you when you arrive . You will have quarters in the same building that you will report for work , much like the Eyrie . Everything is taken care of . " Gwen smiled . She raised her hand and recited a small spell to herself . Demona watched as a magical blanket washed over her granddaughter . Her wings disappeared into the air , and the talons of her hands smoothed into human fingers . " I plan to . " Gwenyvere let go of her grandmother and turned , seeing the small craft that would take her to her new life . She could not help but smile . Gwenyvere adjusted her glasses , wearing them only because they made her human form look more sophisticated than she was . She sat in the small chair , her legs crossed . She could feel the magics running through her , knowing that they were what allowed her to appear the way she did . Today was her first day using the magics all day , and Gwen hoped that she did not simply turn to stone in the middle of class . She was not sure how she would explain something like that . As her professor droned on about what the class would be studying over the next few weeks , Gwenyvere mindlessly took notes on what she thought might be important . Her mind drifted to how perfect everything was . She went to her business classes in the morning and to her job in the afternoon . Though she had not yet met James Harthesen , she had a meeting with him in a few hours . He had been kind enough to hire her as his new intern even though she no education or experience to speak of . All he had was the word of her grandmother . After class , she walked through a corridor outside of her quarters , feeling the sun on her skin as it came through the windows . It still amazed her that she did not have to turn to stone during the day . As Gwen entered her room , she set down her books on her couch and stepped into the shower . A million different things ran through her mind , and she was too excited to sort them all out . Gwenyvere blow - dried her died blonde hair , making a mental note to touch up on her roots the next free night she had . She looked around her room , knowing that it was impossible for anyone to be in her quarters with her . Quickly , the human - looking gargoyle waved her hand , drawing away the magic that ran in and out of her body . Alone in her room , she looked like her true self . Looking at the time , Gwen quickly got dressed , again muttering the spell that made her appear as a human woman . The power of it all still impressed her . She knew that she could do anything . Nervously , Gwenyvere tightened the tie that held back her hair in a professional looking ponytail . She looked up towards Mr . Harthesen 's assistant , who met her eyes and smiled pleasantly . " He should be with you shortly , Ms . Destine , " she said , going back to the computer which was perched on her desk . The entrance to the waiting room opened suddenly and a tall man in a suit stepped through . He smiled to the receptionist , as if he knew her . Gwenyvere picked up a magazine and flipped through , looking only at the pictures to see if anything caught her eye . The man sat down next to her . His dark black hair was parted on the side , and much of the mousse he obviously put through it in the morning had outlived its usefulness . Gwen thought it made him look cute , for a human . " I doubt it , " Gwen told him . " I just moved here . Gwenyvere Destine . " She introduced herself , extending her hand . The man took it gently , kissing it lightly as if he were a nobleman of ancient times . " Of course . I never do this , but you strike me as possibly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen . " Gwenyvere blushed lightly , and the man could sense the magical aura coming off of her in dark blue waves . To him , it only added to her beauty . " Would you care to have dinner with me this Thursday ? Perhaps Friday ? " " You said you were new here , my dear . I would guess that you have hardly met anybody . Let me take you out and show you a good time , " the man said , looking her directly in the eyes . Honestly , Gwenyvere could not believe what was going on . The last two weeks had been some of the greatest times she had ever experienced . She had everything now , even a boyfriend . A human boyfriend , true , but she had grown up with the mindset their two races were as one . The fact that he was the leader of one of the most powerful corporations in the world did not hurt things either . James was fantastic , though . He was someone she could be herself with , despite the fact that her outward appearance was a complete fabrication . She had almost cried when he had to go out of town for a business matter . She knew that she was letting herself fall in love with him , and that was fine with her . No one had ever let her love before . She felt like a little girl with a crush . She flipped through the channels on her vid - screen inside of her quarters , waiting for the call to tell her the James had arrived back home . Their romance was being kept secret , mainly because of how the general public would view their relationship . " Ms . Destine , " a voice came through her screen . Gwenyvere stood from her couch and went into the bathroom . She pulled out a bottle of perfume James had bought her last week and put some on , exiting her room soon after . It took her less than ten minutes to get to his office , and the door opened automatically for her . She stood watching him for a moment , his mind currently moving between his computer screen and an ancient looking book sitting on his desk . Slowly she walked over to him , his back to her . She put her hands gently on his shoulder and moved her hands down to his chest . Gwen lowered her head to be level with his and kissed him on the neck . She could almost feel him relax . That was the only thing she had to work on with him . He worked too much for her enjoyment . Gwenyvere looked at the computer screen , unable to decipher the characters which filled it . They looked Japanese , perhaps even Chinese . " The satellites are up and away , " she said , having heard the news on the facility 's private news channel . The man she was falling in love with turned his chair around and looked at her . He smiled , reaching out and pulling her closer towards him . Gwenyvere gave out a playful yelp as she fell into his lap . She pushed her hair out of her face as she smiled at him . " I 'd say so to , my love , " he said . It was the first time he had called her as such . " So what would you like to do ? " " It was all perfect , you know ? " Gwenyvere said . " Whenever I was with him , I didn 't have to worry about anything . I was just so happy . " " The thing about real love is that you aren 't ever supposed to lie to one another . Harthoth and I . . . we were both living a huge lie . We were lying to each other and to ourselves . However it happened , I 'm glad that it did . " Gwenyvere let herself relax in James ' arms . They lay together on an oversized couch , both watching a large television screen . She had suggested something simple for this weekend , something that would take his mind off of work and let him unwind . Gwenyvere knew that her love worked too hard , but that he would not have it any other way . Her mind drifted towards the end of the movie that they were watching . She had seen it a ton of times before , and knew the ending almost word for word . There was a flash of light . Years later when he looked back on the incident , Harthoth would realize that he never actually saw the flash because his eyes had been closed . But even through his eyelids , he felt the light . What happened after that , he would never actually know . When the flash came , it had been day . When he woke , it was night outside , well after midnight . The creature that lay before him then was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on . Sprawled on the floor , as if it were the most natural position in the world , his love lay . Only now her skin was the color of the ocean and the sky combined , and natural wings had grown out of her back . Harthoth 's first thought was that someone had done this to him . Isfet , perhaps , or any of the other enemies he had made in his long lifetime . Gwenyvere was his first chance at happiness and in a very long time , and someone had set out to take that away from him . His mind raced . It was the sensation that drew him back to his senses . Harthoth stood , attempting to get his bearings . It had been a very long time since he had felt like this . Even before his enslavement to Apep , he had used magic in his everyday life . But now everything was gone , except for that deep feeling of false life embedded into his soul . Despite him not being able to feel it , Harthoth was still alive . " Gwen ? " he asked , kneeling on the ground next to her form . He had sensed magic in her when they had first met , but had never given it a second thought . He picked her up , feeling her soft breath and hearing her heartbeat . She was still with him . He could see the natural blackness of his skin surrounding her form . Her eyes flickered , and she groaned slightly as if in pain . " What happened ? " she asked , starring at the ceiling . " James ? " Gwenyvere moved away from Harthoth , who now looked like something from her past life . She titled her head slightly . Gwenyvere looked around , immediately seeing the color of her own skin . A shot of pain ran through her body . She never thought something like this would happen . She looked at Harthoth , her mind confused with everything she was seeing . " I don 't . . . How ? " Gwenyvere looked at her arms , slowly bringing her hand up in front of her face . It was its natural color , down to the talons at the end . She simply nodded . She looked at James , still confused . She moved closer to him , pulling him into an embrace . " Okay , James . I want nothing else in the world but to be with you . " Months later , they were still happy . It was summer , and despite the heat , it would always be Gwenyvere 's favorite time of year . The wedding was planned for the day in the complex chapel . While Harthoth had always hated unnecessary attention , he had given into his fiancé 's wishes for the ceremony . She thought that if they were going to live their lives as humans , their wedding should be as well . Gwenyvere stood on a platform as a small woman adjusted her dress . The feel of it on her skin made her smile . Its white color reflected the light in a shimmer . A knock at the door drew her attention back into the events of the day . Demona stepped into the room , quietly closing the door behind her . Gwenyvere smiled at the sight of her . Even in her human guise , her grandmother was beautiful . " When I sent you out here , I did not think you 'd get married . And to a human no less . " Demona smiled , meaning the last part to be a joke . She was not sure if it came off as that . The bride stepped off the platform carefully . " I don 't think I have to worry about anything . Even if anyone from Manhattan were to pay any attention to this , there really isn 't anything they could do . " " There 's something I need to tell you . James is . . . one of us . He 's just like you and me . I think that it 's fate that we met like we did . We fell in love in one form ; we 'll live our lives in both . " Demona smiled . She held out her arms and brought Gwenyvere into a hug . They stayed that way for a long time . " If you are happy , my dear , then I am happy . " People surrounded him after the ceremony . For the most part , he hated it . People asking questions , wanting to insert themselves into his private life ; it was irritating . All he wanted to do now was rejoin his wife and start their honeymoon . Through the crowd , he spotted Dominique Destine and quickly rushed over to her . " Of course . I just wanted a moment to talk . You are such an important person in Gwen 's life . I don 't know that much about you . " " I admit that I know your history , Demona . Your association with the Third Race , your everlasting quest for redemption . Do you know mine ? " Harthoth dropped his guise , appearing before her as he truly was . " I am over eight - thousand years old . I have watched empires rise and fall . I have outlived every member of my clan save for one . " Alex walked a few paces behind the gargoyle leader , who had his attention focused on schematics of the complex . They had not been spotted since the initial attack when they had first entered . Artus stopped , motioning for Alex to come closer . " Look at this , " he said , making his monitor focus on a small room on one of the levels below them . " This room has an excess amount of environmental controls diverted to it . It 's cool and damp , and underground . " Harthoth sat at his desk , watching the digital image of the gargoyle and human who had invaded his home . All of his plans were coming together , but at the same time they seemed to be falling apart . " You should have heeded my warning , " he told the monitor . " We have a problem , " she told him . " The Timedancer and the Shabti have escaped , and appear to be in your quarters . Your concubine is with them . " " Of course you would . There is something else , " she said . " We have two intruders : a gargoyle and human . They appear to be heading towards your rookery . " Harthoth 's expression did not change . " I am aware of all the developments , Isfet . Were you aware that there are three more intruders , including Sata ? They are traveling along the same path as the other two . " Harthoth looked her in the eyes . " Everything is under control , " he repeated . " Once everything is completed , I might even have a few extra prisoners that you are welcome to turn into your playmates . " Samson knelt down to the ground , picking up a destroyed piece of metal . It had been cut through with a sword , which he guessed had been his brother 's . " Subtle trail , huh ? " he said to no one in particular . The sound of wind caught Samson 's attention , and he looked up to see the reptile woman who had greeted them upon their arrival in Egypt . Behind her was a cadre of warriors clad in black . Samson drew his pulse pistol and pointed it at her head . One of her followers threw a spiked star , which sliced through Angela 's arm before Samson could stop it . He shot the follower in the leg , watching him fall to the ground . Angela gave out a stifled cry of pain , and her son could see the blood on her blue - purple skin . " You 'd be surprised , samurai . Leave now or your fate will be that of the others , " Isfet said . When Samson turned back to her , she was gone . Alex reached forward and turned an old fashioned doorknob . The door swung open , hardly any light escaping into the hallway . " It 's not locked , " Alex noted . The two walked down a short staircase , the aroma of water and peat moss hitting both of them with force . It reminded Artus of the rookery back on Avalon , with its low light and dense foliage . The rookery in the Eyrie was more technical thanks to Alex and some of his workers . A lone egg sat on a perch . Artus walked up to it , clearly confused . He put his hand up to it , careful not to touch the shell . " Do not move , " a voice said . Both warriors turned to see a figure standing in the doorway , his face blocked by the darkness of the room . There was a small army behind him . Without warning , a shot was fired from a gun the figure held . Instinctively , Artus pulled his sword up to block the shot , but it was not aimed for him . The gargoyle soon realized that a burst of energy had not been fired out of the gun , but something projectile . All he saw was a large net which crackled with electricity . The net flew by him and engulfed Alex , knocking the human to the ground . He screamed in pain . Another shot was fired , but Artus did not have time to block it . All he felt was a sting of pain in his chest and sudden feeling of lethargy . He looked down to see a small dart sticking out of his chest , and pulled it out before he fell to his knees . The soldiers moved out of the light , making way for their leader . His vision blurry , Artus could not make him out . Only that his skin was a dark black , engulfing the light itself , and that he was a gargoyle . The gargoyle moved closer towards him . " Take them to a holding cell , " Harthoth told his men . " Do not harm them any further . " He turned , not looking at any of the humans who worked for him . Harthoth walked slowly out of the rookery . He did not stop to look back . |
" What ? I don 't mean it in a bad way , " he turned to look at Allison . " Really , I like him . I didn 't know ! " Allison sighed and rolled her eyes and pushed her chair from the table , " Oh is that what we are calling it , " she said defensively as she stood up and turned to leave the room . She tried not to be so upset at his words . His reaction was better than when she told her parents , but still this was getting old . It was Thursday afternoon and Allison had been sitting in the Daye 's kitchen talking to her boss telling him her plans for the next couple of weeks . She had already told Grace a few weeks ago , that conversation going much better than the current one which was probably why she told Grace first . She walked out to the Daye 's living room and out onto their back deck . The days were just starting to get a bit longer and it was a warm day for January . Before long it would be spring . The seasons seemed to be going by so fast , but the time apart from Michael seem like an eternity . The last month had been hectic , frantic , frustrating and downright lonely . She was missing Michael something terrible . Even though over the last couple of weeks they spoke every two or three days and sometimes daily , it just wasn 't the same . She kept reminding herself that soon she would soon be spending two wonderful weeks in Florida with him . She marked each passing day off her wall calendar with a big red X and was keeping busy trying to get everything organized for her time away . As well she was letting the few people she thought needed to know where she would be and who she would be with . It had proven to be a lot more difficult than she imagined . They talked about it a few times and Michael thought they she shouldn 't tell anyone . . . saying " you don 't know who you can trust . " Allison was more than happy to keep it quiet . She really didn 't want to deal with the added pressure of being the girl with " Michael Jackson " to be public knowledge . Heck she was having a hard enough time just dealing with being with " Michael Jackson " in its own right , but thought she had to be honest with the people close to her . " What about later , is that what we are saying . . . Michael this is so confusing , I hate lying to people . I can barely keep my real life stories straight . " " Trust me Michael , the people close to me are going to wonder why I am going to Florida to be with you . I can 't just disappear without them knowing I am going . Valerie alone would skin me alive . " Michael paced up and down the foyer . He understood her point of view , but it had been his experience that the more people who knew about something the more likely something was to slip out . It was just the way it was with him . Everyone wanted to reveal his personal life , even the ones you thought you could trust . Which for them would only mean less chance they had to have a moment 's privacy and a bigger chance it would leak out . It 's not like he wanted her to be a secret , but some things were better left quiet . She just didn 't know how awful it could get . He had built himself a tough exterior to protect himself from the things said about him , but sometimes it still hurt . Sometimes he really didn 't care what they said about him , he was used to it and other times it cut like a knife to hear the awful stories they made up about him . He didn 't want that to happen to her . He didn 't think she would be able to handle the negativity and the name calling and he didn 't want her to get hurt . He stopped pacing to face her , she looked at him expectantly , " who do you want to tell ? " " Umm , my parents , my boss and his family , " she tried to think if there was anyone else . " That 's all . My girlfriend Val already knows . " It was funny when she had these conversations was him . Sometimes he seemed so untrusting and guarded . Then at other times he seemed to trust everyone and would be so open . Even if he hadn 't given her the okay to talk , it wasn 't like she could keep it a secret from the people who really knew her anyway . Those close to her could read her like a book . She of course had intended to tell Grace before Marcus , as she knew he would be taken aback and overly protective of her . What she didn 't know is she would end up telling Grace the very next time she saw her , which was a couple days before Christmas , just before she left for her parents . But she also didn 't think Grace would be asking about a man in her life either . The two women were out shopping for the twins Christmas presents from Allison . She hadn 't had very much time to shop since coming home , so she asked Grace to tag along to help her out . Grace was more than happy to accompany her . Grace knew something going on with her from the moment the first time she talked to her . It didn 't take her radar long to suspect that there was a man involved that had caused the change in her cool exterior . Her mother instincts were on high alert with her raging pregnancy hormones . She would later say , " I am like the sharks off the bay , I know when I smell blood ! " Allison closed her eyes . She could almost feel the blood moving up her neck to her face , giving her well held secret away . She knew she felt happy , but did she really look that different . Grace 's reaction was pretty much as she expected . It was actually pretty funny . It was almost exactly like Val 's reaction was when she told her in October . At first she was super shocked and didn 't quite know what she was trying to tell her . But once she got it all in order she was ecstatic for Allison and then promptly wanted to know every single detail , specifically about the sex . " Well of course he does ! Do you think I got pregnant on my own ? " She laughed rubbing her hand over her tummy . " To tell you the truth I am wondering if I caused the heart attack ! " It was a huge relief for Allison to finally talk openly about him . After her initial confession , she felt she could tell Grace everything and she really needed another woman to weigh in on the situation . Grace didn 't even bat an eye when she told her about her plans to travel with him on his US Leg of the tour coming home intermittently to finalize travelling with tour group in May to Europe . Once Grace got started she was on a roll . She talked about the great places she would get to see and visit . It will be fabulous she said , and of course she would be able to work . Not only for Michael but if she wanted she could freelance . She said Marcus could use some of his contacts to hook her up with freelance work in the States and in Europe . Oh WOW ! Why hadn 't that thought ever occurred to her ? I mean she had done that a few times with referrals and joint ventures but it had just never occurred to her she could also seek out those jobs independently while travelling with Michael . She didn 't have to work for him and worry about their new status . She could continue to work and still be with him and not feel like she had nothing to do . Of course if he wanted her to work for him , they could figure out the details . She gave Grace a relived smile , " gosh Grace , you know I hadn 't even thought of that as an option . " Seriously ? It is perfect and it won 't be hard to sell you or your work at all , " Grace added . It felt like this huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders . She could work and travel and still be her own person and still be with Michael . She couldn 't wait to share that with him . He would be happy too . Not to mention it proved it was a great idea to tell a few people . After their chit chat the ladies returned to their shopping and Grace filled in Allison on Marcus 's recovery . He was on the mend after his bypass and the surgeon said after a couple of months he would be good as new . He had just started some light physical therapy and in the New Year would attend two full weeks of classes on recovery living and understanding the healing process over the next six months . The only issue they would have was the running of the studio in the mean time . It would be difficult with Marcus still recovering and Grace being pregnant and expecting at the end of April . It went so well with Grace she had high expectations for her trip to her parents . If they took the news half as well as Grace had she would be more than happy . But it was not to be . She had gotten up early on Christmas Eve to pack her bags and Sam into her car so they could get on the road for the 6 hour drive to her parents ' place in Oakhurst . She didn 't go home as much as she should as she just never seem to have the time . When she was a young girl she thought she never would move from the town , but when she got accepted to Berkeley there was no looking or moving back . Sometimes she really missed it , but she was happy with the life she had made for herself in Southern California . Her parents ran a small bed and breakfast in the little town that was at the mouth of Yosemite National Park . It didn 't make them millionaires but it afforded them a living and the freedom to work for themselves . Not to mention you couldn 't ask for a better view anywhere . They had about 5 acres of land that came off the road from the park and you could see some of the famous rock formations from their back deck . Growing up in Oakhurst and being so close to such picturesque views is what made her a lover of nature and eventually led to her becoming a photographer . It was a few days after Christmas and the day before she planned to leave for home when she decided to tell her parents . They had gotten over the usual uneasy awkwardness that always magically appeared whenever she came home . She always fell back in easily with her father , she would always be daddy 's little girl , but it always took a day or two for her mother and herself to figure out their roles with each other and Allison thought they had reached that state . However , it became obvious the fresh mountain air and endless amount of baked goods had lulled her into a false sense of security that the conversation would go smooth . Her mother was so not going for it . The sour look on her face said it all . " Because I know you ! You will fall head over heels for some pop star that has no interest in you but . . . but one thing ! And once he gets that he will be on to the next one and won 't have any time for you . " " Mother that is not true ! Just for your information we have - " Oh Crap . . . what was she doing ! ? Thank god the startled look on her mothers ' face stopped her from revealing her sex life to her mother . God this woman mad her so angry ! ! She was a grown woman , but every time she talked to her mother like this she felt like she was 10 . " No , you listen . Why do you always have to be different Allison ? You need to settle down that 's what you need to do and stop chasing these men that will break your heart . " With that she was out the door , Sam at her heels , stomping down the drive to get some fresh air . " Uh ! " she muttered aloud . GOD ! Nobody could piss her off like her mother . It is like she had access to a secret Allison angry button and pushed it at will . She was furious . But she wasn 't sure if she was mad more at her mother or more at herself for letting her get to her . She knew how she was , but still , she let her get to her . She walked down past the large fire pit to the small brook that ran through the property , looking at the water . She wanted to cry . She hated this , it was like she was making her choose . Well sorry mother , I am not choosing you . " Don 't what ? I was just thinking of taking Smokey for a walk on the path . I was going to see if you wanted me to take Sam with me . " Allison 's mind was in overdrive as she walked with her dad , while Sam and their old dog Smokey trotted on up ahead on the trail that led to the back of the property . They fell into a comfortable silence as they walked along the well travelled path . As always her father keeping her confidence until she was ready to talk . " Dad , he is a nice man . I just , I don 't , " she huffed not knowing how to not finish in tears . " Don 't worry about your mother Allison , she will come around . " It was starting to get dark . As they reached the back of the house , saw that her mom had started a fire in the back pit and had set up the chairs with wool blankets . Bonfires in December was something they always did when she was a kid and were some of her fondest memories growing up . The next morning she headed out for home , facing another 2 weeks before she would see Michael . She was tired and cranky and she had just gotten her period . She just felt like crawling under a blanket until it was time to leave for Pensacola . But there was still so much to do . She needed to finish packing and she needed to put the finishing touches on Michael 's photos . Her mom had packed her and Samson a nice travel lunch for their drive and saw them off when they left . Nothing was spoken about her plans , but her mother did ask her to call when she arrived in Florida to know she was safe . Figuring that was her mother 's way accepting that she was going , she promised she would call . The drive home was light and fairly easy going as it was mid week and quite a few people were still on holidays . She had a few things she needed to do at the office and stopped in there on the way home . On her table she found the final package of proofs of her photos for Michael were ready for her final review and sign off , she smiled looking at the label - Client : M . Jackson Proofs . She packed up the set in her portfolio . She also took the time to sort through her mail and pick up her voice messages . The couple from Missouri , Harold and Helen Ward , had called thanking her for the beautiful pictures she had taken of them . She jotted down their number and would get the receptionist to get their address as she had already processed the photo 's she had taken with her camera for if or when they called . An hour later she had everything she needed . Leaving the studio area she walked out towards the lobby to wish Happy New Year to the rest of the staff and drop off the photo 's to be mailed . She walked up to reception with Samson trotting in behind . Jasmine , the receptionist , was on the phone but signalled to Allison she would be a minute . Allison turned her back to give her some privacy and let her eyes wander over the festive decorations in the lobby and the large spruce tree in the corner . She hated the days after Christmas , all the build up just for everything to come down a few short days later . When she heard the conversation end she turned back towards the desk . " Thanks , " she quickly scanned the waybill but didn 't recognize the handwriting . " Mhm , maybe just some stuff I forgot about , " she laid it on the counter and was about to open it when she felt Samson nudge her with his nose . " Okay my yellow fellow , we 're going . " She walked out the door , relieved she didn 't have to explain herself further . She was tired after the drive and really didn 't want to give anything away . She just wanted to get home . She took a detour to pick up a few groceries on the way home and to take Samson to run around at Dog Beach before going home , so she wouldn 't have to go out again . Once home she put her luggage down in the hallway , leaving the FedEx box on the kitchen counter to be dealt with later and went to retrieve her phone messages . " Merry Christmas Michael , " she whispered pressing the rewind button to play the messages again wanting to hear his voice . She clicked the button to rewind the tape and walked towards her bedroom , wanting to get changed and grab a shower . Just as she reached the bedroom door it dawned on her . " I am such a retread . . . " Walking out to the living room to sit , she pulled the tab , but it came off in her hand . Oh my god why were FedEx boxes so hard to open ? She walked quickly into the kitchen to get a small knife . Coming back she sat down and sliced along the perforation , being careful not to cut too deeply . Pulling the flap open , all she could see was white tissue paper . She turned the box and shook it to dump the contents on the sofa . It didn 't come out , but a small blue envelope landed in her lap . " Uh ! Ohmygosh " she squealed . " Oh Michael , " She really couldn 't believe it . He remembered , and now he had sent it to her too . She put the package on her lap and picked up the envelope , opening it to read the card . She recognized his hand writing right away . Girl , I couldn 't wait . I want you to have this now . She put the card down and removed the remaining tissue that covered her gift . She ran her hand over the plaid blue fabric . It was as soft as she thought it would be . I wonder if . . . she brought it to her face to smell the fabric . She wasn 't sure if it was her imagination of if it really did have a scent . . . but she could swear it smelled like him . How could anyone not understand how perfectly wonderful this man was ? She almost wanted to cry at the sweetness in his words . Every little thing he did made her heart open to him a little bit more . Giving him pieces at a time , soon he would have it all . It was like he knew she would need something to help her make through the month without him . Later in the evening , after she fed herself and Sam she showered and had changed into her gift . It really made her feel that much closer to him and it also made her miss him a little bit more . She was sitting in bed going over the last set of Michael 's final proofs thinking she might call it a night when he called . Surprising her when she answered . " Thank you for the card . . . I can 't wait to see you too . . . I miss you , " her voice was already betraying her sadness of being away from him . Making herself wonder how she could ever think that she could stay away from him now . He groaned , " girl , now I won 't be able to sleep all night thinking of you . " " Michael , stop . . . I already miss you so much . " " I just . . . I miss . . . I miss you Michael , just being with you and . . . the way I feel when I 'm with you . " " Girl , how can I use that against you , that is what I miss about you . " After she hung up she proceeded to crawl under the covers and fall into a deep restful sleep dreaming of him . The way he laughed and the way his rich brown eyes smiled when he was being mischievous . Or the way his long dark curls framed his face . . . dreaming of the last time they were together and when then would be together again . . . . . After leaving the condo that Tuesday after their first weekend together Allison only faced a few days in - between before she would see Michael again and even that was torture . On the Monday after she woke him and seduced her surprise out of him they spent the rest of the day lounging around and talking about when they would be together . Of course Michael 's schedule was much busier than Allison 's , although this time she had some of her own planning to do as well . The initial plan had her coming to Florida in the third week of January to join him . They would spend two weeks together there . Then they both would be coming back to California , but only Allison would be staying . After only a couple of days , Michael was heading to Hawaii to shoot a Pepsi commercial with a young boy by the name of Jimmy Safechuck and then back to California for the finally fittings and promo before his opening night in Kansas City on February 23rd , where she would join him again . They still hadn 't hammered out all the details but the idea was she would travel with him and the tour for the majority of the US leg of the tour , returning home occasionally to attend to some business and priorities of her own before leaving in May to travel on the European Leg in its entirety . There was so much to figure out before then . She had thought she wasn 't going to see him again until they met in Florida , but to her delight before she left , he asked her if she would come with him to the wedding of his lawyer Jon Branca the coming weekend in Beverly Hills . He was going to be the best man and he could use a date . Saying it and making it all sound as if he couldn 't actually get someone to come with him . Of course she obliged . Excited she would get to wear the little black dress she had bought when she had gone shopping with Val . She met him at the condo the following Saturday afternoon , when James dropped her off . She really wanted to drive herself , but Michael thought it would be better if she didn 't use her own car . The wedding was at 6PM . When she got there , Michael was already there waiting for her and couldn 't keep his hands off her . She knew what time they had to be there , but that didn 't seem to deter his advances . They showered separately to ensure they would not get distracted and got dress . The dress she wore was perfect for the Hollywood style wedding . It was a black halter style dress with a sweetheart neckline , fitted corset style bodice and a flippy knee length skirt . It reminded her of a prom dress . The pièce de résistance really were the shoes Val had lent her . They were wool Salvatore Ferragamo pumps with a pinstriped pattern and stiletto heel . She didn 't want to take them but they were beautiful and Val insisted saying , " I am pretty sure he won 't step on your toes . " All dressed and ready she sat out in living room waiting for Michael to finish dressing . A few minutes later he appeared looked fresh and relaxed and so deliciously handsome she almost lost her breath . He was wearing a simple black double - breasted suit with a light purple shirt and a slim black tie . He looked so beautiful . His hair was getting longer and he held back his silky curls in a loose ponytail with pieces falling on his shoulder . He looked incredible . There was only one slight problem - she really wasn 't his date . His " official " date was Bubbles whom he brought with them . They got to talk a little bit at the wedding , but not very much , and she mostly spoke to Bill , Frank and Karen . It was a little disconcerting to be there and not be able to act like they were seeing each other and only friends . But they both had agreed that it would be best to not put on a public front right away . That didn 't bother her at all as she didn 't want to be in the spotlight , but she kind of regretted saying that when she saw all these other girls , young and utterly gorgeous girls , flirting with him or talking loud enough about him that she couldn 't help but hear . She tried not to be too jealous or appear upset , but it was literally impossible . He did look gorgeous , he did look super fine as one girl said and he did appear to be single and eligible . The only consolation was she was taking care of Bubbles for him when he was getting his picture taken or doing his duty . So he had a real valid excuse to seek her out a few times during the reception to talk to her or ask her if she was having fun and always telling her how beautiful and sexy she looked . His lovely smile making her smile . But then he would be gone again . On the plus side , having Bubbles was like having a mini celebrity with her . Everyone wanted a picture with him or wanted to talk about him which led to talking about Michael . Which was hard , but it also kept her occupied . She met Don Johnson , Don King and Sugar Ray Leonard and a couple of other boxers she had heard of . Finding out later that Jon G 's father , John R Branca , was a past chairman of the New York Athletic Commission who had implemented changes and better safety standards for boxers and wrestlers . Overall it was a interesting night with lots of celebrity 's and well to do 's hobnobbing with each other . A few people actually asked her about her photography and her services . So obviously Michael or someone was telling people who she was and what she did . A coupIt was a long day . By the time the they left and Michael had arranged for Bubbles to be taken care of , it was well past 1 in the morning when they finally arrived back at the condo . All night long she couldn 't decide if she was mad at him or not . It really wasn 't a date or even a evening together . She would have preferred to have not been there if she knew she was going to have to spend all her time alone . It would have been better to not see him , then to see him and not be able to talk to him or be around him . But now as the rode the elevator up the floors any anger she thought she might have magically disappeared as she looked at his beautiful profile . Michael was mostly quiet on the ride back and now in the elevator . She could only assume he was tired as well . He really had had a busy evening of walking around , talking to everyone , taking pictures and obliging to every request . Something she was sure she would see a lot more of over the coming months . It reminded her of how busy a man he really was and made her wonder if that was going to be a problem for her when she travelled with him full time . As he spoke she saw the stereo system come alive with light and sound . He turned it down and fiddled with the equipment putting on a CD . He walked back towards her . Her eyes had started to adjust to the darkness and she saw him extend his hand to her , she instantly found herself moving her hand to slide into his . As she felt his fingers curl around the back of her hand she heard him exhale as if he had been holding his breath . He didn 't answer her , instead he silently lead her around the sofa to the centre of the living room . She followed his movements as if in a hypnotic state as he stopped and drew her in against him . His arm curved around her waist to press his palm to the small of her back , pulling her close to his body . His other hand was still holding hers and he raised it to his chest and kept it there . She moved in easily and completely , melting into his warm frame . With her heels she was almost as tall as him . Now this was better , much , much better and exactly where she had wanted to be all evening . She didn 't like being alone at the wedding . Seeing him there , looking so handsome , it had been so hard to watch him from afar . But having him alone now , like this , was worth the few hours wait . Somewhere in the distance Allison could hear the soft tones of the music coming from the stereo but , if someone had asked her , she couldn 't have said who was singing or what the song was . Right now she couldn 't focus on anything beyond the man that was holding her close and the gentle wonderful sway that began as he held her tightly and fitted her hips in against his . Michael smiled as he felt her soft delicious body melt against his . She was a beautiful angel in his arms . He had wanted to dance with her all night . He inhaled the lingering scent of her perfume on her skin , feeling a strong jolt of desire run throughout his body as she stayed so very close to him , pliant to his smallest movement . Her legs against his , her chest against his chest , her fingers brushing slowly along the one side of his neck . They hardly moved as they danced to the tune in the background . This felt perfect having her here with him . He never wanted to let her go . He brought his hand up to run his fingers under her chin down to the neck line of her dress , " did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight ? " Michael slowed their dance and brought her down onto the sofa . He kissed and touched her almost reverently as if she were a fragile dream that would disappear under his touch . Not wanting to move or break the spell , he made love to her there . His need for her so strong , so intense , his hands trembling he barely took the time to get her undressed . There was no talk of protection , surprises , doubts or fears . Actually there was no talk at all . Not even when he entered her did a word pass their lips . Everything that needed to be said was conveyed in each touch and caress , every breath , kiss and sigh . Both of them felt it , but neither one them was willing to say it . It felt like it was so rushed and too soon , but there was no denying it , they were falling in love . It felt wonderful , thrilling and terrifying to them both knowing the year that lay ahead . When Michael had invited her to the wedding , Allison had insisted that the Sunday following they go over his pictures and proofs . She wanted his final approvals so she could work on them over the holidays for final presentation and handover to him . Her reasoning was twofold - one she wanted to get it out of the way - as they needed to decide how their work relationship fit in with their new getting to know each other better relationship and even if their work relationship would continue . And two she needed something to keep her busy while Michael attended to his obligations . She wasn 't use to just sitting around waiting for someone and she was somewhat worried it would get to that if she didn 't keep herself busy . She wanted to try to keep as independent as possible . So early Sunday morning instead of doing what she wanted to do , which was basically lay in bed all day with the gorgeous sexy man that could send her to heaven in back with a simple touch , she slipped out of bed to prepare for their meeting . She didn 't want to wake him and she didn 't want there to be any sexual intimacy prior to their meeting . She looked quickly for something to wear and quietly retrieved his pyjama top from the bedside chair and pulled it on as she silently walked down the hall . She really didn 't want to leave him there , but it was the best thing . She had worked really hard at being respected for her work . She had followed all the lessons taught and given for her own growth and benefit . After five years of hard work , she didn 't want her most famous client being jaded by their new status . She wanted his honest opinion and to really tell her if he liked what she had done or not . While Michael continued to sleep , she pulled out her portfolio and prepared the presentation boxes she wanted to show him . She also had two small presentation boards she had mocked up to show him what she had in mind . She laid everything out on the dining room table , with the price list and even her business cards . She also had a smaller velvet presentation box that placed at the end of the table . She had prepared it when she came home wanted to give to him from herself as a memento . When Michael awoke he was disappointed she wasn 't still in bed . He knew they were going to be apart for almost a month and he wanted to begin his day deep inside her or preferable like the last time she woke him up . He felt himself react to that thought . Hoping that she was just in the bathroom he called out to her . He laid there for a few minutes but got no answer . He didn 't want get up but it was obvious she wasn 't coming back into the room to get him . Damn where is that girl ? She got me chasing her all over the place . He shuffled into the bathroom to relieve himself . Washing up his hands he took a quick look at his reflection . He was getting lighter . The cream was smoothing out the variations in his skin but it seemed like it was taking away his colour even more . He rubbed his fingers over his neck at least it wasn 't as visible as use to be . He sighed . He knew he needed to talk to her more about it . Especially now , since he asked her to join him on tour . She didn 't bring it up again since their last conversation , but it wasn 't like he could hide it . It was only going to get worse and he needed to tell her that and he needed to do it sooner rather than later . He chucked , " girl , don 't get offended . " He grabbed her and pulled her into his lap . " You know I think what you did for me is amazing . I told you . " She sighed , " Michael , can you let me do my job ? This is important to me . Important that I got what you wanted . Especially since . . . well since now . . . " He laughed , " you are so easy . " He pushed them to standing and he slapped her butt lightly . " Okay , little lady , let 's meet . " He followed her over to the dining area and sat down and gave her his full attention . She was too cute being all business like discussing his options and packages while standing there in his red silk pyjama top . But he wasn 't going to tell her that . He didn 't want her to think he didn 't respect her , because he did . He thought she was immensely talented and he already loved everything she did . But it was hard to concentrate on the 1 dimensional celluloid she was referring to when she was standing there in 3 dimensions looking so heavenly . He shook his head and forced himself to listen as she moved to show him one of the boards she had created . " But do you like it ? Did my work meet your expectations ? " " Allison , I love it . I really do . I wouldn 't tell you it was great if it wasn 't . And I certainly wouldn 't pay for it if I didn 't like it . " " Oh I almost forgot , " She leaned over and picked up the box . " This is for you . " she smiled placing the box in front of him . " I hope you like it . " The first couple of pictures he saw was of himself at the rehearsal in Tokyo . He was standing on the stage , not performing but talking to one the crew members . The next two were of him at the tour opening dinner . In the first one he was standing and chatting with Quincy Jones and in the other he was sitting and smiling talking to his mother . Then there was one of him and Miko laughing at something with Bill looking sternly at the two men . He looked up at her , giving her slight smile biting his lip , he tilted his head to the side like he wasn 't sure what to make of it . He turned the next few pages - there were all kinds of pictures that he didn 't know that had been taken . None of which looked overly professional or staged . It looked like someone 's personal photo album . . . well someone who took good pictures . But it was all very natural looking . " Oh wow . I remember this . Allison this is , " he ran his fingers over a picture of him she had taken on their side trip in Hong Kong . It was a black and white of him looking and smiling at a small baby . " It is beautiful , " he smiled . He turned the pages as he found more private personal photos of himself with children and the people of the small town . There were pictures of the hotel and one of his back as he stood looking out at the view of the harbour . She had also pasted and taped in an eclectic mix of souvenirs she had picked up along the way . There was a ticket stub from the bus ride and boat ride from Gongbei Custom terminal in Hong Kong , a receipt and a wrapper from a bag of candy he insisted they buy the day they got lost , a brochure from the helicopter ride , as well as a business card and the pamphlet from Rockend , the restaurant they had their first date , in Australia . She wanted to give him and show him the more personal and private pictures she took when they were travelling together . The idea had come to her almost right after the first time they met . When he had talked about how he never got to travel or see the places he visited , just lobby 's and hotel rooms . It made her wonder if he could ever remember the time spent in places . That is when she thought she would take pictures and ideas from of city , places and activities from a more personal standpoint . Not ever thinking in her wildest dreams that those memories would somehow come to include her . There were a dozen or so from Japan and Australia , but mostly they were from their side trip in Hong Kong . Those were her " vacation type " shots he had requested that she had placed in the album . It was the perfect mix between a scrapbook and a photo album - a keepsake of the days spent together and she loved every minute of putting it together for him . Michael was so deeply touched he didn 't know what to say . She had given him something he had never really had in his adult life . A photo album of mementos and memories of a trip he had taken . He closed the album and touched the cover , realising how much effort and thought must have gone to making something so beautiful . She blushed . " Awe , Michael I was doing it for you all along . It wasn 't for us , it was for you . I didn 't know we were going to be together and . . . " her voice suddenly broke with her own emotion . " My time away was special because of you , " he gave her his sweetest smile . " Mine too Michael , " she whispered her heart skipping a beat . " So you like it ? " " I can 't even tell you how much this means to me , girl I love it . " He touched the cover again , " this is wonderful . " She grinned . " just you sayin that makes me so happy . " " No I have to give you something , " he set the album down back in the box on the floor . He grabbed her to sit on his lap , " anything you want . Tell me . " Michael chuckled . " Girl you can 't get that anytime , " he replied sounding amused . " Uh , I am so not talking about that , " she slapped his chest lightly . She didn 't actually know what she wanted except to kiss him and feel him make love to her again . But she wasn 't going to give him that right away . She tried to think of something , anything she might want . She scanned the room quickly to see what she could ask him for . She didn 't see anything . Then suddenly it popped into her head He leaned in and kissed her along her jaw to her ear to lick the skin beneath her ear . His breath was warm on her neck . Smiling he took his time , making her wait , feeling the goose bumps breakout on her skin as he moved to whisper in her ear , making her body go white hot when he whispered his condition . Yukon GirlOctober 8 , 2011 at 2 : 20 PMI will be the first commenter then ( ? right word ) Well , wonderful chapter as always . . I love where he parents live , right at the edge of Yosemity park , I want to go there real bad . What a beautiful place to live and to grow up . Her mom 's reaction : why am I not surprised ? ? People going with what they read in the rags again but good fo her dad for being the voice of reason . The gift : SQUEEEEEEE the blue plaid shirt , MY blue plaid shirt , smelling like MY Michael , oh lord , that shirt , the rehearsal shirt . . . . . . oH God , I love that shirt , but you know that . . : ) The wedding : That was too bad , Ally could not really be Michael 's date , but understandeble , what a sexy treat though to be able to watch him through that event and I am sure they exchanged some looks of desire , he looked so handsome at that wedding , that suit , the tie , I would brush by him as much as I could and touch him , you know in little ways , a slight brush of a hand . . . oh lord . . . . Then back at the condo , the slow dance in the dark , sultry , sexy , and longing . And then this : " Michael slowed their dance and brought her down onto the sofa . He kissed and touched her almost reverently as if she were a fragile dream that would disappear under his touch . Not wanting to move or break the spell , he made love to her there . His need for her so strong , so intense , his hands trembling he barely took the time to get her undressed . There was no talk of protection , surprises , doubts or fears . Actually there was no talk at all . Not even when he entered her did a word pass their lips . Everything that needed to be said was conveyed in each touch and caress , every breath , kiss and sigh . Both of them felt it , but neither one them was willing to say it . It felt like it was so rushed and too soon , but there was no denying it , they were falling in love . It felt wonderful , thrilling and terrifying to them both knowing the year that lay ahead . " Girl , I loved that part . . . . soo beautiful , loving and sexy . . . I am speechless . . | Next \\ Saturday May 7 , 1988 - Huntington Beach The woman would not take no for an answer . She was persistent ! Allison laughed at her pleas . & qu . . . Thursday , February 4th , 1988 She had been dead asleep . And boy , she needed it . She was exhausted . Exhausted from travel , exhausted from al . . . |
This is the eighth chapter of ' Bear Hunter ' . A new chapter will come out every week . Any comments or questions can be directed to the author at nothlit ( at ) hotmail ( dot ) com Matt was quick . He got a flashlight out of somewhere , and right after he yelled , ' bear ! ' , he shone it right at me , and also at the thing approaching . Turned out to be a very big , very mean - looking bear . At the same time , Matt grabbed something that I would later learn had been his boot , and threw it right at the bear 's head . Not the smartest thing to do , but right then , it worked . The bear sort of yelped , although it wasn 't anything like the sound a dog would make , the boot to its face , together with the sudden light , managed to scare it . Before I really had a chance to do anything , the bear turned around and loped away , disappearing into the forest so fast that I was still trying to process it when the sound of its escape through the woods died away . " I didn 't have time to grab my gun . I wasn 't even sure it was Ben , but I think it was . No use following him now . He 'll be gone by the time we even get going . Also , it 's dark . There 's a reason why people don 't hunt bears in the dark . " " Yeah . I can see why , " I said , remembering how I had frozen up when the bear approached . It was weird . " Come on , " Matt said . " Help me get this tent back up . I don 't think the bear meant to crash into it . Bears can 't see very well . He was probably just as surprised to see us as we were to see him . He must have smelled some of our leftovers , and come to investigate . " When it was ready , we crawled inside again . I was still thinking about the bear , and the way I 'd acted . I think Matt noticed , because he said : " It 's not that . I wasn 't afraid . I mean , sure , it was startling to see the bear up so close . But I wasn 't about to piss my pants or anything . I just . . . I don 't know . " " Hey . Don 't worry . When we find the bear for real , under our own terms , it will be something else . Tell you the truth , this is the first time I 've heard of a bear crashing into a camp at night like that . They are usually a lot shyer than this . Good thing we managed to scare it away , or it might have panicked and attacked us . That would 've been bad . " " Stop beating yourself up , Sven . It was your first time seeing a bear up so close . Trust me ; I 've seen grown men wet themselves in the situation we just were in . You were only surprised , you said it yourself . Next time , you 'll be ready . " After that , we slept . I had no trouble falling back asleep , and Matt was the one who woke me up the next morning . I yawned , and stepped out of the tent , rubbing my eyes . " That 's Ben , " he said . " I wasn 't sure yesterday , but no other male around here has paws that size . He 's heading north , too , which means that we weren 't too far off from his trail . He 's probably looking for more winter food , and that 's why he came so far south . If we hurry , we might be able to catch up to him today . Depends on how fast he is going , and how much food he finds along the way . " We had a quick breakfast of canned food , packed up the tent and most of our things and stashed them in the backpack . It was my turn to carry it , so I picked it up and slung it over my shoulders . Then we left , following the direction of the tracks that Ben had left . After a while , the tracks disappeared , but Matt was not in the least affected by this . When I asked him , he said that since he knew the direction the bear had taken , the tracks were only a general indication for him . All we had to do was keep going until we found something that told us that Ben had been around there . I kept my eyes open , but I didn 't see anything . Once or twice I saw a couple of broken twigs and such , but Matt quickly dismissed them , since they obviously had not been left by a bear . We walked tirelessly that day , getting further and further away from civilization the more we walked into the forest . I began to wonder just how fast a bear could go , since they usually seem to be such slow - moving creatures . Matt ended up telling me that a male bear can cover many miles in one day if he has somewhere to go . That appeared to be the case with Ben , and so we were left with having to walk for miles and miles , playing catch - up . Even though it was an uneventful morning as we walked to the wilderness , I wasn 't bored . There was something to this forest , and to Alaska in general . Maybe it was the way the silence in the woods seemed to envelop you softly , swallowing even the sound of our footsteps through the thick carpet of pine needles . Maybe it was the deep blue of the sky above our heads , visible every once in a while through the canopy of the evergreen forest . Or maybe it was just the sensation that Matt and I were the only two people around , and it was just us and the wilderness that surrounded us . Once I saw some scared rabbits hop away as we approached , and another time I heard the cry of a bird of prey high above our heads . Probably a hawk , or maybe even an eagle . Either way , it was a great walk . And just about to get better . Matt led the way up and down a few small hills that rose around the place we were crossing , covered with trees . The trees grew so thickly , that when we finally came to a clearing , I didn 't see it until we were practically there . But when I did , it took my breath away . " This used to be my father 's favorite spot . He would bring me here to go fishing and such . Not many people know about this lake , and those that do know don 't usually come this way since it 's very hard to reach . You basically have to walk most of the way , which is a big deterrent for most . " " It 's huge , " I said , as we walked close to the shore of the lake . The waters were very calm since there was no wind , and they acted like a natural mirror for the trees that grew right up to the edge of the lake , for the few white clouds that floated above us in the sky , and for the bright blue color of the sky itself . It was like one of those typical postcards you see of Alaska at a gift shop , only a million times better . I could not see the far end of the lake , since it was much longer than it was wide . I could see the other shore on the eastern side , opposite from where we were . Everything looked unspoiled , just as it might have looked thousands of years ago , before there were any people living around here . Matt led me around the tricky part of the shore , and from there to a spot where a tree trunk had been washed up onto the rocks by the water 's edge , a long time ago by the looks of it . The wood had been whitened by its exposure to the elements , and its surface was surprisingly smooth . Matt sat there , and I sat next to him . The air smelled fresh , pure . The silence was all around us like a presence , but is was welcome . Nothing moved . It was just us , and nothing more . I don 't know how long we sat there , but I do know that for the very first time in my life I felt something approaching complete , enveloping peace . I felt that I could spend the rest of my life in those woods , and it would be okay . The fact that this breathtaking beauty was so short - lived , giving way to the icy majesty of wintertime every year , made it even more astounding , more humbling to watch . I didn 't know why I was feeling this way , but I didn 't question it . I welcomed the feeling that there were no questions and doubts whirling around in my head . Here was simplicity . Here was nature 's beautiful and cruel hand . If you could not survive here , you died , simple as that . But if you could , then this place was yours to enjoy . I think that right then I finally understood why some people would want to move to such a remote place as this . There were really no words to describe everything I was feeling . . . but I did smile . Next to me , Matt was silent , lost in his own thoughts . Eventually , I became aware of him again , and the fact that this place was probably bringing him lots of bittersweet memories . I wanted to say something , but again I didn 't know what to say . I 'm not very good for ' moments ' . Even so , just knowing that Matt was here with me made everything better , and I hoped that it was the same for him . I waited respectfully until Matt 's faraway look became focused again , and he met my eyes . Matt grinned in a certain way for me , and I felt . . . something . Warmth . A kind of tug in the middle of my chest that was a surge of emotion . And suddenly , before thinking it through , I leaned forward and kissed him . Matt was obviously surprised , but he returned my kiss , hugging me with his big , strong arms . I held him in mine , and it was a perfect moment . It felt right . It was also over too soon . " Yeah , " I said , standing up too , a bit awkwardly . I picked up the backpack , feeling closer to Matt somehow . I was with him in this hunting expedition , but for me at least it had become about something more than just killing the bear , or making amends for everything I had done to Matt . I couldn 't really explain it , but it was suddenly a lot more important that I help Matt close this chapter in his life . I grabbed my rifle , and nodded at Matt , signaling I was ready . He nodded back , and we went back into the woods , searching for the bear . " About what you 'd expect , " he answered , picking his way through the forest . " Lots of snow , cold . Nothing much to do except stay home and work out . Sometimes I can 't even cross over to the town if the weather is really bad . Last year it was just my dad and me in the house , but the way he was acting , it might as well have been only me . I suppose this will be the first year I am all alone in winter . Might be good to have the house to myself . " " I guess , " Matt said . " I don 't usually come this way much during the wintertime . It 's not far from my house , but trust me : a surprise blizzard is all it takes , and then you 're a dead man . " " No . Down there , we didn 't even have snow most of the time . " I scratched my beard . " I like this place , though . I like the way it feels . I wouldn 't mind putting up with the weather to be able to live around all this awesome nature . " " It takes a particular kind of person to come and settle in Alaska . Not many come , and from those , only a few really stay for good . You got that look about you . Like you can take whatever nature throws at you . " I wondered what would have happened if things had gone the way Matt was suggesting . Would he have been only a one night stand for me , like all the others ? Probably . I 've never been good with relationships , and I wouldn 't have known how to act . I guess I was glad with the way things had turned out . It had been unexpected , but in a good way . Matt and I continued walking for the better part of the morning . We were climbing a large hill , and the trees did not grow so thickly on its slope . We stopped for a little while and had some food , then continued climbing . As we ascended , the terrain began to get rockier , and the slope of the hill was pretty steep in some places . Looking back , I could see over the top of some trees , and look out over a sea of green . Far away , the lake gleamed in the sun of midday . Ahead of us , the hill continued upward for a while yet . To the right , the slope descended gently into the forest . To our left , a rockier side of the hill was dotted with rocks and steep drops down below . I thought I saw what might have been a cave on that side of the hill , but there were lots of places that were covered by the huge boulders , so I couldn 't be sure . " Quiet ! " he hissed . At the same time , he pointed down , at the slope on the far side of the hill . There , amongst some low shrubs that were dotted with berries , was a big , black shape . The bear hadn 't seen us , or heard us . Matt did some kind of thing to test the direction of the wind , nodded , and dropped down into a half - kneeling crouch , rifle in hand . I imitated him , and put the backpack down as quietly as I could , so I wouldn 't be carrying it for the hunt that was about to begin . " We get close , slowly . It 's him all right . Remember : try to get the lungs . If you don 't have a clear shot , don 't take it . If we scare him , he might come for us , or he might get away . We don 't have any cover here , so we better hope he doesn 't come for us . " I nodded , and followed Matt down the slope of the hill , quietly and slowly . The bear still didn 't know we were there , since he was very busy eating the berries off of the shrubs that grew around him . I noticed that the wind was blowing in our faces , which Matt had mentioned was important so the bear wouldn 't smell us coming . Because of the way the hill descended , we had to edge towards the left as we went down to avoid alerting the bear of our presence . That brought us dangerously close to the rocky side of the hill and the drops below . The hill wasn 't very high , but still , I couldn 't help but notice that , should the bear decide to charge us , we wouldn 't have anywhere to go . I was a pretty good shot , and Matt was probably pretty good too , but with bears you never knew . That made me uneasy . I looked at Matt as he descended noiselessly , his eyes fixed on the bear . There was a look in his eyes I hadn 't seen before , a completely focused look of pure anger directed at the bear . He was grabbing his rifle so hard that his knuckles were white , and I think he did not notice that his breathing was coming faster , too . Almost as if he were already fighting with the bear in his mind . If possible , I decided I should let him take the killing shot . I was only there for backup , and besides , it was important for Matt to kill the animal . Maybe after he did , he would find peace for what had happened to his father . I sincerely hoped he did . It took us maybe ten minutes to get into proper position , and after that we spread out , with Matt going lower downhill and me staying on higher ground to cover more terrain , in case the bear changed position or decided to go somewhere else . I hefted the rifle and took aim . I didn 't have a good shot , since the bear was facing away from me , partially hidden by the shrubs . Matt on the other hand should have had a much better shot . I spared him a quick look as he finished getting into position . He seemed to have forgotten I was even there . He was so focused that I doubt anything else existed for him at that moment but the bear . I held my rifle steady , waiting for an opportunity . Matt seem to be doing the same , and he was patient , like any good hunter should be . In fact , there was only one bad thing about being so patient . You gave the unexpected time to happen . There was a sudden change of wind , and I felt it blowing from behind me now . Over where the bear was eating , the change was instantaneous . He stopped munching on berries and stood up on his hind legs , sniffing the air . A second later , he dropped on all fours and began to walk away . The shot echoed over the wilderness , shattering the peace all around us . There was a loud growl , and I saw that Matt had hit the bear - it actually dropped to the ground , momentarily invisible amid the shrubs . I thought he 'd killed it , but the bear wasn 't dead . Only a moment later , it was on all fours again , and it was angry . He was coming right for us . Right for the source of the smell . There was a point where I didn 't know if the bear was coming for Matt or for me , but this time I didn 't freeze . I took careful aim , and when the bear was close enough , I fired . My shot was true , but the bear changed direction and the shot got him on the shoulder . The bear roared in pain and anger , and his loping gait became a rolling charge , deceptively slow - looking . He knew where we were now . And it was coming for the kill . I saw the bear coming right for me , and I tried to take him again , but he was moving too fast , uphill , and the second shot I fired missed . The bear was maybe a hundred feet away when Matt 's shot boomed across the hill , striking the ground an inch before the bear 's paws , spraying earth everywhere and getting the bear right in the face with the sharp debris . Confused , the bear stopped and turned to look in Matt 's direction . When he saw him , the bear charged for the new threat . My heart was pounding so fast that my fingers slipped as I was trying to reload the rifle , and by the time I managed to get a third shot ready , it was already too late . The bear had reached Matt impossibly fast , and Matt didn 't have time to get off another shot . I saw him drop his rifle , and run . " Matt ! " I yelled , forgetting to shoot . They were too far away anyway . I got up , and ran to them , rifle in hand . I knew I was too far away to help , but I had to try . I saw Matt back off , forced to go to the steep side of the hill by the charging bear . He threw his rifle at him , and the bear was briefly distracted by that , enough to give Matt time to start going uphill . When the bear saw him , he forgot about the rifle and went right for the man . I was fifty feet away when the bear caught up to Matt . I saw it rear up on its hind legs , waving his head from side to side in a strangely terrifying manner . Then it roared again , and lifted one of his paws to strike . He had Matt cornered ; behind him , there was only a sheer drop . In front of him was a bear trying to kill him . The bear swung its paw in a murderous arc , and struck Matt before he had a chance to react . The blow had such terrible strength behind it that it flung Matt backwards like a rag doll , out over the drop downhill . The bear , seeing him fall , prepared to go down in pursuit . I shot blindly . I missed but the noise made the bear aware of my presence . It turned , saw I was barreling downhill toward it , and growled again . I stopped . I reloaded faster than I 've ever done it in my life , and shot again . I got the bear in one its hind legs , I think , and the bear 's growl turned into a moan . It dropped again on all fours - and left . It loped away , going downhill , leaving a few blood spatters behind him . For a second , I only stood there , unable to believe my luck . I was alive - after charging an angry bear . I couldn 't move . I just watched the bear go away , grabbing my rifle like it was trying to get away from me . Then , suddenly , I remembered Matt . " Here ! " he answered , his voice closer than I would have thought . When I got to the edge , I saw he was already climbing up . He was only using one hand , though . His left arm hung limp on his side . I dropped the rifle and jumped down to help him up . It was hard going , but we finally managed to get back on level terrain . Matt , panting , lay down on the grass . I looked - his arm was a mess . There was blood dripping down his forearm , and the mangled remains of his shirt up above the elbow were dark red with more blood . He was bleeding a lot , actually , and I was afraid that the bear 's claws had severed an artery . While Matt steadied his arm using his other hand , I grabbed the tattered remnants of his shirt sleeve and tore them open in a single quick , hard motion . Matt grimaced at the tug but did not cry out . With that out of the way , I had a clear view of Matt 's upper arm , at the spot where the bear 's claws had gotten him . I breathed a sigh of relief . The wound was bleeding a lot , but it was superficial . There were three ragged , parallel marks on Matt 's skin . The middle one had gone deepest , and that 's where most of the blood was coming from . A minor vein might have been cut or something . I couldn 't really tell . Matt complied , and I suddenly realized that we didn 't have any bandages or anything that might be useful in binding a wound like that . I had dropped the pack somewhere , but there weren 't any bandages there either . I 'd have to do with what I had . I grabbed the bottom part of my shirt and brought it up to my mouth . I used my teeth to make a rip in it and then finished the job by tearing out a long strip of the shirt , yanking it loose when it was long enough . I tied it a little above the wound , wrapped it tight around Matt 's arm , made a knot with it and then pulled . Matt gritted his teeth , but took it well as I tightened the makeshift tourniquet to exert pressure on the wound and stop the bleeding . The blood flow slowed down right away . Matt looked briefly at place where the bear had disappeared deeper into the woods . Then he looked at his arm . " Okay , but let 's hurry up . We got his trail now . I want to catch him . " Leaning on me slightly , Matt stood up and followed me as I went downhill to pick up his weapon and mine . Then I let him back to where the pack was , and from there we walked back to the lake . I didn 't know of any other streams nearby , and Matt didn 't either , so that was our closest source of fresh , clean water . It didn 't take as long as I feared , although it worried me that we hadn 't washed that wound already . For all I knew , the bear 's claws had been dirty before Ben had attacked Matt , in which case Matt would need some antibiotics to prevent an infection . I made him sit by the water 's edge . First I washed my own hands , and then I tore another strip of fabric from my shirt . I washed that , too , wishing we had a fire going so I could boil the water and use it on the wound . That would take too long , though , so all I did was wash the fabric thoroughly , and then use it to begin cleaning Matt 's wound . I cleaned the blood away gently , and Matt did not protest even once , although it must have hurt like hell when I began to clean the actual claw marks on his skin . The rag I was using got soaked in blood pretty quick , but I washed it as best as I could and continued . By the time it was done , both my hands were red with Matt 's blood , but the wound was clean . I washed my hands in the water and then looked at Matt . " You got any idea how often people get hurt while working on a farm ? " I asked him . " Most of the time it was only my grandfather and me . We both had to learn how to take care of one another after my mother passed away . So yeah , I got a pretty good idea of what I 'm doing . " Matt shook his head . " No way . Not when we are so close . I 'm okay , and I want to keep on looking for that bastard . We 're close , Sven . We can take him out . Today . " I considered objecting , but the look in Matt 's eyes convinced me that he was going to go after the bear no matter what . Realizing that , I also knew that I was going to go with him . I wasn 't going to let him hunt a bear alone , hurt like he was . I was mildly surprised to realize I was a little worried for him . For his safety . We retraced our steps back to the little hill where the bear had attacked us . From there , Matt followed the clear trail that the bear had left , his rifle loaded and ready to fire in his right hand . I was carrying the pack , and also the other rifle , and I was much more alert than last time . I now understood just how dangerous and fierce a bear could be . I had seen it firsthand , and I did not intend for the attack to be repeated one more time . We went downhill , following the bear 's trail , down into the forest once again , underneath the cool shadows of the pine trees that grew all around us . The forest was strangely quiet , and there was a cold wind blowing , but our pace was fast and I did not feel the cold 's bite . Like Matt , I was completely focused on finding our prey . Here in the forest , we had to be even more careful . The bear could be hiding in a cave somewhere and we wouldn 't see it until it was too late . " This way , " Matt told me in a low voice , pointing to an almost invisible splotch of red on a rock . The bear was still bleeding , then . That would make it easier to follow him , but would also make him much more dangerous . The initial adrenaline rush that I had felt as we began our pursuit one more time faded slowly as the hours went by . We crossed another stream , past more dark trees of the forest , and then began to climb another hill that was on our way . I wondered how long we had been walking , and also how far we were from Matt 's house . Not that it mattered . We wouldn 't be going anywhere until Matt had had his revenge . Matt 's scowl only deepened as the hours went by and the bear was still ahead of us . I could tell his arm hurt him , and he probably wanted to rest , but he wasn 't allowing himself to think about anything else but the hunt . He wasn 't paying attention to anything other than the bear 's trail and he even seemed to have forgotten that I was with him once again . He was completely focused on his goal , every sense alert for the faintest sound of the fleeing bear . We climbed a hill and then came back down . We were now going downhill on a very rocky slope where not a lot of grass was able to grow . Matt actually stumbled as he tried to go over a particularly large rock , and he instinctively tried to stop himself with his wounded arm . He cried out involuntarily at the sudden pain . I hurried up to catch up to him , and I saw he was breathing fast , and he was also looking a little pale . I realized that he hadn 't had anything to drink or eat ever since the attack , and he had bled a lot . He needed to get some liquids into his system , and he also needed to eat something that would give him energy . " Then at least drink something . You must know if there is a stream around here . Let 's go there , and then we 'll continue the hunt . " His parched lips said otherwise , but Matt didn 't slow down at all . He kept going , and all I could do was follow . Eventually , the sun began to go down . We still had not caught up to the bear . I followed the direction Matt was pointing at with my eyes , and I saw a rock formation that stood out from the gradual slope of the terrain , maybe 200 feet away or so . At the very top of the formation was a dark hole , barely large enough for a bear to fit through . Actually going up to the cave was difficult , since the rocks offered little purchase and only something very big or very small could actually make its way up to the cave mouth . It was a secure place , and some of the whitened rocks leading up to it were stained with blood . And at the top , lying on its side but looking down at us , was the bear . I froze again when I saw it ; it was involuntary . However , I snapped back to attention right away , dropped the pack I was carrying and readied my rifle . Matt was doing the same , hefting his weapon up firmly and approaching slowly , his aim on the animal , doing his best with a single arm . There was complete silence for a few seconds as Matt walked closer to find a better angle to take his shot . I stood back , covering him in case something went wrong again . From the look of Matt 's face , though , I knew this time he wasn 't going to let anything happen . Matt took careful , shuffling steps as he approached . His eyes never left the animal , and the bear was looking at him , sniffing the wind . From where I stood , he didn 't look badly hurt , and when he saw that Matt was approaching , Ben stood up on all fours , assuming a guarded position . There was nowhere else for him to go ; he was cornered , and I knew that if Matt didn 't kill him quickly this time , at least one of us would probably die when the bear attacked . I hoped it wouldn 't come to that , but the thought did not help the rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins now that the moment had come . I glanced quickly at Matt . He was looking even paler than before . He was sweating , too , and his hair was matted against his forehead . That , coupled with the big red bloodstain on the left side of his clothes , gave him a haggard appearance . He looked like a desperate man . Matt was getting closer . I shifted my focus on the bear again , and I almost missed it when Matt suddenly tripped over something . Matt didn 't answer me , and I risked shifting my focus to him quickly . He hadn 't fainted at all . He had dropped to the grass and was picking up the thing he had tripped over , dropping his rifle carelessly to the side as he did . I was so surprised at seeing him do it that I couldn 't think of anything to say . A cornered , wounded bear was standing not a hundred feet away , and he had just thrown away his only weapon . I didn 't understand , until I saw the object he had picked up . It was a cap . It was very dirty , and it looked like it had been out in the open for quite some time . It was partially torn and covered with mud , so much so that I couldn 't be sure of the original color of the cap . However , Matt obviously recognized it . He held it in his hands as though it was the most precious thing in the world . " You took him from me , " I heard him say , his eyes on the cap and his voice husky . He wasn 't speaking to me ; he was talking to the animal . " He was only trying to help you , but you took him from me . " " Why did you do it ? " he demanded , his voice rising in volume . " Huh ? Why ? You stupid animal . You can 't even tell the difference between someone who 's trying to help you and someone who 's trying to kill you . He was trying to save you ! Did you know that ? But you killed him , and now , here I am , trying to kill you . You fucking son of a bitch . You 're not getting away ! " " He could have defended himself , " he said , fearlessly walking closer to the bear . " But he didn 't . You know why , bear ? Because he was stupid enough to believe that an animal like you would be noble enough to do the right thing . But you don 't understand that . You don 't even understand a word I 'm saying now . " The bear , feeling threatened , reared up on its hind legs , presenting an even wider target for Matt . It gave a warning growl , and stood his ground . He had nowhere else to go . I forgot to breathe . I expected the loud bang of a shot , and I was ready to follow it up with one of my own if needed , but the shot didn 't come . A few seconds went by . Still nothing . I risked looking at Matt , and I saw his grip on the rifle was shaking . He was literally shaking with rage . " Stop looking at me like that ! " he yelled at the uncomprehending bear . " I don 't care what my father would say if he knew I was going to kill you ! You murdered him , you deserve this ! " He was speaking to convince himself , but for some reason he wasn 't being successful . I saw his internal fight play out on his features , the anger wrestling with whatever was holding him back from shooting . He was panting , struggling to keep his temper in check , but finding his father 's cap had shaken his conviction to the core . I didn 't understand what he was going through , but I could tell it was tough . Very tough . In that moment , three lives hung in the balance , our fates dependent on the next thing Matt would do . My eyes dashed to the bear , but the shot hadn 't even come close to hitting it . Matt had fired into the air , and now he was sinking to his knees again . He threw his rifle away , much farther than before , leaving himself defenseless if the bear decided to charge . He closed his eyes , crying . " I can 't do it , " he repeated . " This was my father 's life . He was my father 's life . I can 't . . . I can 't destroy it . " A loud roar settled the issue for me . The bear dropped back on all fours , scared by the sound of the gunshot . Its eyes were fixed on Matt , who was defenseless . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . We are one third of the way through winter ! It hasn 't been bad at all . I can 't remember a December that I got to do so much trail riding . Every year , I want to trail ride for the Christmas holiday , and most years I end up in the indoor arena . This year was a huge exception . I had to work Christmas Eve , but they let me out early . I went home , took care of the dog and cat and scurried out to the barn . I had just enough daylight to go dashing down the trail with Cole Train . And dash we did . It has been a while wince I have taken him out on a ride by himself , and I think that got him a little wound up - we just flew … It was about 60 degrees , so he got sweaty and we had to walk all the way home . Still , since he went so fast on the way out , we had no trouble getting back by dark . It rained that night , so the river was too high to cross on Christmas . Ellen and I worked with Dante on the hill . He was a little bit excited , but Ellen managed him well . Cole was perfect . The river was still a little high the next day . Ellen had to go to work , so I helped her out with Dante in the arena and out on the loop that is on the barn property . She went to work , and I took Cole out for a trail ride with Kevin on Starry . We did a lot of trotting and some cantering . It was fun . The following day , we took Cole and Dante on an hour and a half ride and a great time was had by all . Once again , we did a lot of trotting and a bit of cantering . On the way home , we found Kevin with Starry and they joined us Amazingly , we were able to get on the trail on Sunday , too , but since it rained the night before , the river was too high , again . Ellen and I worked them on the hill . For the first time ever , Dante was perfect for all 3 trips on the hill and the trotting back and forth at the bottom . It was a great way to end a long weekend of riding . The weather has been so mild that the river hasn 't had a bit of ice on it . That will be changing this week as the weather is cooling off to normal . We are just grateful that we had the trail rides we did . It will make the whole winter seem shorter - since the first third was so wonderful . Most of my life , I have played it safe , followed the rules and made mostly right decisions . The wrong ones were small ones . I live just like I ride . I wear a helmet , look both ways before I cross the street , train my horses with safety in mind , have as much fun as I can , but I don 't take unnecessary risks . I 'm really a pretty boring person . I will not work until I can collect social security - not even close . I 'm going to take a chance . I 'm going to retire early . I just want to spend my time doing what I want - and I think I can . Oh , don 't worry , it is all planned out as carefully and thoughtfully as I have planned out everything . I am going to work about 80 more weeks . At that point , I will have worked at my job for 30 years , and I should be financially ready - if not , I will delay my retirement . My house is paid for . My wants are few . In fact , the thing I want the most is to just have a little bit more time to ride … Yesterday , I got home from work , and after feeding Thunder and Maggie ( aka Dumb Dog ) their supper , I sat on the floor to talk to Thunder . He started to tell me about his day , and then Maggie decided to crawl all over me and sit in my lap . I told her repeatedly to stop because I was trying to talk to Thunder . ( Maggie wanted her walk . ) Thunder took matters in his own paws . He walked behind Maggie , said " Nyet " and swatted her in her in her pantaloons . When she didn 't respond , her said " Nyet " and swatted her again . That time , she skittled away and stood respectfully a few feet away from me . I was then able to continue my conversation with Thunder . A little later , Thunder wanted me to talk to him again . I sat on the floor next to him . Maggie walked up and immediately laid down on her side and played dead . Thunder is a much better dog trainer than I am . Thunder has a lot of words , and I know most of them . " Nyet " is a brand new one . I am hoping he meant " no " in Russian and that he wasn 't cussing at Maggie . In case anyone missed me , I was on vacation . Somehow , Ellen and I ended up with too many vacation days left in December . Now , December in Cleveland can be pretty bad . There have been years that the river is frozen over , the driveway is ice , the temps are frigid and we have piles and piles of snow . Not this year . We were so lucky ! And the trail rides ? They were very , very uneventful . I have nothing to write about . Sure , there were a few times that Cole got a little over excited . Dante did spook a time or two . Starry - well he is always getting into trouble , so that is normal . For the first time - ever - Ellen and I have horses we can safely ride in cold weather . We have even had Dante and Cole out in the snow with little trouble . Cruiser was so bad when the weather cooled off that I couldn 't ride him on the trail in the winter and not be scared to death until he was around 7 years old . Even then , for a few more years , we could only walk towards home . Any faster work meant problems . Actually , I don 't think he could consistently trot towards home if we were fairly close until he was around 20 . Ranger was nearly as bad . That meant we would either freeze on the way home or have to get off and lead . Of course , Mingo was a sweetheart . I loved riding him in the winter . He would speed up , but he was so sensible . A ride with Mingo in the snow was a delight - but I couldn 't do it with Ranger or Cruiser . I had to go out by myself . Cole and Dante are only slightly faster than they were in the warm weather . It is really hard to believe that Ellen and I can ride in the cooler weather with such ease . We finally have winter horses - and so far we have had a great winter to go along with them . I 'm sure that part won 't last … At least we have used up our vacation riding on the trail . I have reluctantly started to ride Cole in the arena . I put it off by riding out on the loop at night , but it started to get a little boring , and cold and dark . Now that vacations are over , I will be doing it on a more regular basis . We 'll see what we can accomplish this year . If you are considering a Morgan for your future , or if you are looking for a good horse , stop by and check out the older horses at Forever Morgan . www . forevermorgans . org Right now , they have a special on older horses . Thanks to an anonymous donor , any horse that was born before 1998 will ship to his / her new home free of charge . The adoption must be approved by December 31 . They have a number of high - quality , lovely , sound horses that have years left to their careers . Adoption Fee : $ 700 $ 300 for the Home for the Holidays special ! Transport donated with Home for the Holidays special ! Cappuccino was owned by a broker who was going to sell her directly to slaughter , not even giving her a chance at auction . Thankfully , he was willing to sell her to FM , so she got on a different truck instead ! She is sound , sensible , and solid , a good girl who tries to understand what is wanted . Cappuccino is a nice mare who continues to get better with more work . She is fostered at a lesson barn in Florida where she is ridden by the advanced / intermediate students . She was a driving horse so is not yet sure of herself under saddle but is improving every ride . She is very good at walk and trot but not yet comfortable cantering under saddle . She lunges beautifully , has no issues being saddled and bridled , crossties , bathes , and is good for the farrier ; her foster home is still working on being clipped and fly sprayed . Cappuccino is a very pretty mover , not hot at all , and would be a nice hunter or western pleasure horse . Posted by If we have time , Ellen and I often go on a hike after we ride . The easiest thing to do is to just walk on the hill that leads to the river - that way , we don 't have to drive anywhere . We typically do 3 trips up and down . It is a good workout . We were out walking on the hill the other day , and it was covered with snow and very sloppy , so we weren 't going very fast . On our first trip up , we saw an old friend riding on a Quarter Horse mare that she started leasing this summer when her Arabian mare died . Those of you that have my book would recognize her and her horse , Beauty . I put several pictures of them in my book . She has had 3 Arabians , and I believe that every anecdote in my book that mentions an Arabian , it is one of hers . It seems like she was always getting into some sort of trouble back with I was writing my book . She told us how well the lease was working out , and that , though she misses having an Arabian , she really felt that at this point in her life , a quiet Quarter Horse is so much more suitable . The only problem was that the horse that she is leasing is not at a stables with an indoor arena . She said it had been many years since she was out riding in the snow . She headed down the hill , and we followed , slowly , after her . We saw her at the bottom , and she asked me to check her new bit to make sure it fit correctly . It looked good , so she headed up the hill ahead of us . Her horse started jigging and prancing to get up the hill . She was very anxious to get home . As they started up the slope , we saw the mare do a couple of canter strides - and then buck . Our friend tumbled to the ground . She just lay there , still holding the reins , calling , " help , " as the horse looked like she was going to lick her face . Ellen and I were scurrying as fast as we could to get to her . I got a hold of the reins , and I sighed relief as our friend stood up . She wasn 't hurt seriously , but she was shaken up . She took the reins , and we all started walking up the hill together . So much for a quiet Quarter Horse ! While leading the mare , we saw her feet were packing up with snow . Turns out they put shoes with borium to help her with ice - but no snow pads to help with the snowballing . I really don 't know what their farrier was thinking . With our snow , we either need to go barefoot or have snow pads . We all agreed that that may have been a reason that the horse became so uncharacteristically uncooperative . Also , we found out that she hadn 't been able to get her out of her stall for a few days - giving her an extra dose of energy . She still wouldn 't settle down , and our friend could barely lead her . I reluctantly offered to lead her . I say reluctantly because I spent so much time leading Cole on the hill while he misbehaved back in the early days , that I have an aversion to leading misbehaving horses . Still , I had to help . I might not like to do it , but thanks to Cole , I am very good at it . I took a rein in each hand under her head to lead her . This way , I could make the reins work the same way they would if she was being ridden . Also , I could get her to walk and stop straight - something that she wasn 't doing for our friend . I said a few kind words to the mare and asked her to walk . After a few steps , I gently asked her to stop . I had total success , and gave her a bunch of praise . I repeated it a few more times and then we were on our way . Anytime I would get too far ahead of Ellen and our friend , I would ask the mare to stop and wait . I showed them what I was doing with the reins and why . We made it up to the top without a bit of trouble . By now , our friend was recovered enough to take the reins and bring the mare home . I noticed , as she walked away , she had one hand on each rein . We continued with our walk on the hill - relieved that no one was hurt and glad we were there to help . We don 't expect to see them out in the snow with improper foot ware again . It was also a reminder how much horses ' personalities can change when the weather gets cold . Some horses need to let off some steam if they haven 't had much exercise due to the weather . Even if they are exercised in an indoor arena on a regular basis , going out on the trail can get them rather excited . As Ellen pointed out , you never really know a horse until you 've been through 4 seasons . Ranger , my sister 's horse of nearly 20 years , has developed breathing issues . It was something that occurred gradually over the last year or so , but this fall , it got pretty bad . He wasn 't coughing uncontrollably like Cruiser was , but he was breathing harder going up hills and trotting . He would do better after a good snort , but it seemed like he had trouble getting enough wind to get the good snort . When the vet came out to give the guys their fall shots , Ellen told her about it and she examined him . She said she couldn 't quite say he had COPD , but he definitely was having problems breathing . Her suggestion was to just dunk his hay in water before giving it to him . In her experience , this was usually enough to correct the problem . She said steroids might help , but Ellen didn 't want to do that unless absolutely necessary . Cruiser was much worse with chronic coughing , breathing hard in his stall and rapid weight loss . I put him on steroids which only helped a little . I also took him off hay completely and fed him soaked hay cubes . He still didn 't improve until we put him on a round of antibiotics - even though his bloodwork showed no sign of infection . After that , his cough went away and his breathing returned to normal . We do think the steroids may have masked the infection - allowing it to get worse . We keep our horses at a boarding stables , and Ellen felt bad about asking the feeders to do this extra step . As an experiment , I did it for her on the days that I fed in the evening . She noticed an improvement when she rode him the following morning , so she felt it was worthwhile . She bought a big plastic tub that the feeders could use to dunk the hay to make it easier , and we were on our way . After a couple of days , he no longer wheezed when going up a hill , and his snorts were more substantial than before . After about a week , it was pretty hard to hear his breathing at all if he was doing light work . When my sister was riding him back and forth at the bottom of the hill a few weeks later , I noticed that he looked really good - and then I realized what the difference was - he was holding his head in a normal position . Previously , he had been traveling with his head much lower so he could breathe better . Ranger was definitely better than he was . The question is how much will he keep improving ? When a person quits smoking , it takes a while for their lungs to heal . Ranger is in the process of healing . When I watched Ellen trot him in the arena last week , not only did he carry his head higher than he had been , he was going faster and stepping further underneath himself . Maybe he wasn 't as arthritic as we thought ? Maybe he had slowed down partially due to having breathing problems ? He even threw in a kitten buck . Ellen plans to ride him as much as she can outside to keep him out of the dust , but sometimes the weather and icy conditions will force them into the arena . We will continue to dunk his hay and see how far his recovery will go . I will keep you updated . Ellen was working Sunday , and I thought I would take advantage of the great weather and ride Dante on the trail . I knew I couldn 't cross the river because I already rode down there with Cole Train . We would have to do the hill multiple times . The hill can be a tricky place to work a horse . Once they are good at it , it is very easy , but there is a certain amount of training that comes first . We are so close to home that there is a tendency for horses to want to rush home , pout going away from home and not want to turn around to do another trip down . There are flat parts that we can easily trot and canter - the best one is right at the bottom of the hill . We like to go back and forth a bunch of times to give them good exercise . It took me a few years before I could trust Cole on the hill for one trip , let alone multiple trips . It was always our worst section of trail . He didn 't want to walk either up or down and could get very hyper on the faster work . Even today , he gets faster with each successive trip - very different from the other horses that get slower each trip . Ranger , of course , is the expert . He loves just doing the hill and gets very excited when he doesn 't have to cross the river . Starry just seems bored . Ellen and I just started working Dante with multiple trips on the hill just this year . We only do it when we can 't cross the river , of course , so the training is sporadic . I don 't think we have ever taken him down there by himself - with neither another horse nor a person on the ground - and asked him to do it more than once . As usual , Ellen finds a way to get me to do everything first . I led Dante to the trail . Very shortly after I mounted , he neighed , hopped up and tried to turn around to go home . That surprised me , but I had no trouble getting him to stop and stand still until he calmed down . We walked a little further , and he did it again ! This was unprecedented ! When we got to the bottom of the hill , I asked him to trot - and he leapt up into a canter ! Now , last time we worked him down there with Cole Train , we did introduce cantering , so maybe he just wanted to show me he remembered the lesson . I was able to get him to trot immediately , but he wasn 't happy about it . He was tossing his head up and down and having a little temper tantrum about it . At the end of the trail , I stopped , turned him around , walked back and turned him back around to do it again . I was ready for misbehavior , but he was even more ready to misbehave . I asked him to trot and he launched into a canter - throwing in a huge buck this time . I was starting to wonder what horse I was riding . This certainly wasn 't Dante . I wasn 't able to stop him until he got 8 - 10 strides in , and as we trotted to the end , he had another temper tantrum . We turned around and repeated - about 5 more times . He didn 't canter anymore , but the tantrums persisted . That 's when I remembered that I had some candy corn in my pocket . I decided to employ clicker training . I would click him as soon as I got several decent trot steps in a row . We tried it again , and he was tossing his head like a bratty little colt . Then , he gave me 3 good steps . I clicked , he stopped , 1 gave him a piece of candy corn and asked him to trot again - he was perfect the rest of the way . Dante had magically transformed into his old self with one piece of candy corn . I couldn 't believe the dramatic change . All the trotting we did the rest of the ride was normal . Now , I have to be careful with Cole when I give him really good treats - he is the quintessential overachiever . Once he knows there are good treats , he will try all sorts of things to get them - silly walk , laterals , more speed , more and more impulsion until I can barely hold on - all without me asking . Getting him to walk like a normal horse in a straight line is a huge challenge , if he thinks there are good treats in my pocket . I like to save them for when we are trying something new - he will then learn very quick . Dante , though , had a different reaction . He just became focused on what I wanted instead of what he wanted . I always find the contrast between our 2 horses to be very entertaining . My problems weren 't over , yet . It was time to go back up the hill and do it again . Dante was fine on the way up , but when I turned him around to go back down , he planted his feet and refused . I did some very assertive kicking , got a few more steps and he balked again . At least he wasn 't trying to turn to go home , but he sure didn 't want to go forward . Now , I could have clicked him for taking a step forward , but horses are smart enough to chain several actions together , which can be used to our benefit , but we have to be very careful . I didn 't want Dante to think , " If I stop and refuse to go forward , then finally do , I will get clicked . " There is another thing I have learned - if you want your horse to go forward to light aids and he ignores them , use heavy aids , stop and repeat with light aids - then praise . What I decided to do was to get him going , stop , repeat and repeat until he goes for a light squeeze and then click . I think it took 4 more times before I got a good one . I clicked him , and since I was in a trottable section of the hill , I asked him to trot . He was fine the rest of the way down , but I figured out that this is a lesson that he really needs to know . I interspersed it throughout the ride after that and later told Ellen to work on it . At the bottom , we did more trotting back and forth . By this point , I was able to trot both ways with ease . I decided to try for a canter , and I got it on the first request , but he stopped after a few strides . When I tried it a second time , he picked it up and held it . I then did a few more back and forths at a trot , so he would hopefully understand that cantering is with permission only . We walked back up the hill , and when I got to the turnaround spot , he refused to either stop or turn . Even a strong leading rein didn 't work - he just belligerently braced against it . Well , he isn 't the first strong - necked Morgan in my life . Years ago , my horse Brandy taught me the only way to win with an iron horse is to outsmart them . As Dante braced on my right hand , I switched to the left and easily turned him . He wasn 't too happy about it , but I didn 't get any balking as I asked him to go back down the hill . He just pouted by walking slow . I started to work on walk / halt / walk transitions - clicking for good ones and that changed his mind . This time , when we got to the bottom , I just turned him around to go back home . When we reached the turnaround spot , I asked him to stop . He didn 't , so I asked him to turn - which he did . I then dismounted and walked him home . Over all , it was a very productive training ride . When I called Ellen at work and told her about the ride , she said she wasn 't surprised and now I knew he had a dark side . Mr . Perfect isn 't perfect , after all . I 'm glad to say that his worst is nowhere near Cole 's worst , and look how good Cole is now ! It won 't be long before we get these little problems corrected and then Dante will shine ; whether he is with another horse or all by himself - because underneath that dark side is a heart of gold . I think I am getting used to the colder weather . When I was out at the barn last night , it was in the 20s and I wasn 't even cold . I realized that if I rode , it would be Cole 's 8th day in a row - mostly in the arena . I thought that he might need a break , so I decided to do a light ride on the loop outside . The ground was frozen , and there were patches of ice and snow , so we had to keep it at a walk . I figured that should be easy on Day 8 . Wrong . I wasn 't in the saddle 3 minutes , and he was tossing his head around in excitement . I managed to keep him at a walk nearly the whole 25 minutes I was out there , but it was getting harder to do ; not easier . I decided to take him into the inside arena and do some trotting . He was very happy to move around , and he trotted pretty scary in the beginning . He did settle , and we worked another 20 minutes . He only had one bad snorting episode , and I got him straightened out in less than a minute . Tonight , he is getting his shoes pulled , so the snow won 't be a problem , anymore . Of course , the temps are going to rise this weekend , and the snow will melt . They are talking rain . With the snow melt , I bet I won 't be able to cross the river . I hope the weather is good for Thanksgiving , because we will be out there . That 's our weather , lately . Yesterday , it was like a very bad January day in November - and I happened to be off from work . Ellen got called in , and she didn 't seem to mind much . We were able to ride together in the morning - in the indoor arena . It was 11 degrees when I woke up and never got past 20 . The wind was extra wicked , too . Maggie didn 't even get her long walk that we planned . I just wasn 't ready for this . Neither were the horses . Cole , Starry and Ranger still have shoes , and the snow kept us at the barn this weekend . Dante doesn 't , so when Ellen had to work on Sunday , I took him out by myself on a trail ride . We had a very lovely time . on the way home , we found Kevin jogging . He walked back towards home with us . After a couple minutes , he asked to switch places . I was getting a little cold , so I was happy to walk while he rode . We passed up home and headed for the access trail . Kevin did some trotting and I struggled to keep up . We then swithched and I rode the rest of the way . Maybe it 's not so bad when Ellen works … I have been struggling in the arena . Cole 's problem is consistency . We will be trotting about - just fine - and then he needs to snort . Instead of just snorting , he stops and may or may not snort . If he doesn 't , I get him going and then he will go fast , go slow , try to stop and on and on until he finally snorts . Then , he will do better , but if I take a break to do something else , he needs to snort when we start trotting , again . If I drive him forward too hard with my legs or whip , he gets mad and bucks or kicks out . This isn 't a new behavior . I have been having a problem with it from the beginning . It is just more of a problem because I want to do more trotting now than I used to . Also , since I only have one horse , I want to ride him longer than before . Here is what I do to try to change his behavior . We start with walk / trot transitions - and I click him for them . I then add more and more steps before clicking to reward him for good trotting . We can do this for 10 minutes , sometimes , and then the urge to snort starts . Why he can 't snort while trotting , I just don 't understand . This will even happen on the trail . I am still struggling with the right lead . I can often get it the first time I ask if neither one of us overthinks it . If I put him on a bend at a walk and just ask at the magic moment , we will get it , and I immediately click him for it . The next time I ask , he is ready for it and insists that I really want the left lead . Since I have him on such a strong bend , he has a horrible time taking the left lead - I don 't ' know why he tries it . I think the next time I succeed , I won 't click and just let him go with it and see what happens . I miss the trail … wants to play with people all the time . actually , she doesn 't seem to know how to play with people . Whenever I try , it just doesn 't seem to Bad weather weekend . It was rainy and horrible on Saturday , so we ended up riding in the indoor arena . I think it was Cole 's fourth time , this fall , and he showed significant improvement . In fact , I quit after a half hour and walked around in the rain for the rest of the ride . I wanted to end on a good note . Dante did great in the arena , but that is because Ellen has been working with him all summer . We just led Ranger outside for his exercise . Of course , if it rains all day - the river will be too high to cross the next day . We did the hill with Dante and Cole together . We trot back and forth on the bottom , and Dante thought it was great fun . He behaved fine , but he started to anticipate the trot as soon as we got to the bottom . Of course , if you always do the same thing in the same spot , your horse will want to do that same thing all the time . Ellen immediately asked him to stop - and he didn 't . Dante lost his brakes . That meant it was time to reinstall them . It took a few trips going back and forth , and then Dante saw the light . She did try to do some cantering , too . We trotted with Cole in the lead , and since Cole is the faster horse , it was just enough to tempt Dante to canter . She got a few successful transitions . We did the hill a total of three times and who knows how many times we went back and forth on the bottom . We really wanted to get across the river . The park finally fixed some more of the trail - and we wanted to give it a try . That section of trail has been in sorry shape since the big storm back in the spring . I took a few days off work to ride this week , so I should be able to get there . Cole will be so happy ? With the time change , Thunder has been serenading me an hour early . He got quite frantic this morning , and I couldn 't take it anymore . I got up 10 minutes before the alarm , so I guess he won . Ellen 's cat , Stormy , doesn 't speak . He knocked books on the floor to wake Ellen up . Last year at this time , I tried riding Cole out on the loop - a small track that is about a quarter mile long that is behind the barn - and it was a disaster . I ended up riding him in the arena when it got too dark in the evenings to go on the trail . This year , I decided to try it again . I began a few weeks ago by going on a short trail ride with the remaining daylight and then working on the loop when I got back to round out the ride . Since we made sure our short trail rides were vigorous , walking the loop was a way for Cole to wind down . Last year , he was explosive when I tried this . This year he was only a little explosive the first time , and he has done well ever since . As would be expected , he would walk a lot faster on the way facing the barn than he did when he went away from the barn . Consequently , I clicked him for sensible walking when we were going away and for whoas when we were going towards the barn . This kept him focused on me and made it more fun for both of us . When we would make the turn at the intersection of the trail that goes toward the barn and the trail that starts the lap over again , I clicked him , too . A few rides ago , I had to stop doing the mini trail ride because there wasn 't enough time . Now , we were working on the loop only . It started to get a little boring , so I started reviewing our arena exercises . We were fairly successful with shoulder - in in one direction and not so good in the other - something to work on . I added leg yielding , and he was much better than in the arena - where he wants to morph it into side passing . Since he wants to go forward down the path , it eliminates his temptation to go sideways - into the ditch , woods or fence that go along the trail . Every now and then , we would stop and do some turn - on - the - haunches or backing up . Last night , I decided it was time to add trotting . This was his 6th ride in a row , and it was a very warm night for a horse with his full winter coat . It was also quiet at the barn , so there were no distractions . In other words , all the planets were in alignment . When we got to the side of the loop that goes directly away from the barn , I asked for a trot and got the most lovely , forward going but sane trot that I could have dreamed of . We stopped at the next corner , walked all the way around the loop and did it again . We repeated it 5 times and he was perfect . I gave him lots of verbal praise . We walked one more lap and then I headed to the driveway and went to the front of the barn where it is wide enough to practice small circles and then called it a day . Oh , what a long weekend we had . It was 4 consecutive , sunny October days - perfect for riding . Of course , we had our usual vacation disaster , but this time , it had nothing to do with the weather or a high river . I will get to that , later . Thursday , we had our plans , but they changed suddenly when Kevin invited his friend , Sarah , out to ride Starry . She used to ride him all the time until she moved to Missouri . She was here to visit her family and had a chance to visit Starry , too . Kevin asked if we could all ride together and if he could ride Dante . Of course , Ellen said yes . Kevin has leant us Starry so many times , it was the least she could do to pay him back . He had ridden Dante in the arena for a few minutes last winter , and he has always wanted to try him on the trail . Now , a reminder - Starry 's trot is a killer . You have to post it , and it is not very easy to do at that . Dante 's trot is fantastic . It is incredibly smooth no matter how fast he goes . Ellen was on Ranger , Sarah was on Starry and I was on Cole , of course . With Ranger in the ride , it wouldn 't be fast . We are respectful of his age . Also , no one is allowed to pass him or he gets mad and tries to go faster than Ellen wants him to . When we trotted , we would allow Ranger to get a head start , and we would try to stay back . Kevin pretty much stayed in the back . Cole knows the rule when we ride Ranger , so he didn 't have any trouble . Starry is a different story , so Sarah had a tougher time . At one point , we let a lot of space between Ranger , and we all got to canter a bit before we caught up . It was a little chaotic , but everyone obediently stopped when we reached Ranger . We walked all the way home , and that gave us plenty more time to trot . Ranger may not trot as fast as he used to - and he was really fast - but he still has a super speedy walk . I would look back at Kevin trotting to catch up and there was always a big smile on his face as he sat the trot . Dante and Kevin were very happy with each other . Everybody was perfect on the ride and all of us were smiling . Now , it is time for the disaster . After we got back , we were just standing around , talking . Dante has a weird habit of sticking his mouth through the opening of the bars on his stall where we pour the grain . He rests his upper jaw over the metal covered wood of his stall wall - just behind his incisors . We just ignore him when he does it . Well , he was doing it and something happened and he got stuck and panicked . We still aren 't sure what it was , though Ellen and I saw the whole thing . I did see the board go forward and then he tried pulling back . For a long 5 seconds , he struggled and there was nothing we could do - and then he was free . That was a relief - until we saw the blood pouring out of his mouth . It was awful ! Ellen looked in his mouth , but all we could see was blood , blood and more blood . She got a syringe and filled it up with water and started rinsing it out . It was hard to tell , but most of it seemed to come from his canine tooth on one side . We didn 't know if he cut his gum or damaged the tooth . He didn 't seem upset about it , and when his afternoon hay showed up , he didn 't have any trouble eating it . It still kept bleeding and bleeding but not as profusely as before . We decided that it could wait until the next day when the vet was scheduled to give them shots . The next day , the vet said the tooth was fine , and it was just a cut on his gum . It finally stopped bleeding , and it didn 't look bad at all . The grain opening of his stall was altered to prevent it from happening again , and all was well in the world . Posted by The days are short , and by the time I get to the barn , I only have a few minutes of daylight . I have been going on mini trail rides and finishing up my ride outside doing laps on the little track we have , but the other night was rainy . I was thwarted . With much reluctance , I entered the indoor arena . Just a reminder for my readers - I had issues with Cole in the arena in the early days . He would get to the far corner and try to bolt back to the front of the arena . He did this enough in the first few weeks that I became afraid to ride over there . I would just ride circles on the safe half . This lasted a really long time , but I got over it . Nowadays , he seldom tries that trick - but when I haven 't been in the arena for a while , my old fears show up . I started out working in his better - behaved direction . After a few minutes , we started walking laps . When I felt good with that , I would trot a little and ask him to stop before he got too close to the far end . Each time we did it , I got a little closer . Within 10 minutes , I was trotting full laps . He was doing his big show trot which is hard to post and hard to sit . I started out with posting and once I got used to it , ( he seldom does it on the trail , ) I began to sit the trot . Now , it was time to try the other direction . This direction is more complicated because he likes to take off along the wall to get to the far corner . At the next corner , I have had trouble with him wanting to run down to the wall to get to our barn door which is just off the normal oval we ride at the corner . I began with the walking , again . When it was time to trot , my nerves got the better of me . I decided to trot on the safe half . More than once , when he saw that far corner , he tried to go straight instead of circle to the center of the arena . I struggled to get him to continue with the circle . Great - he justified my fear of him bolting to the corner . I really hoped he had forgotten this behavior . To prevent it , I overcompensated by bending him too much on the circle and he began to lean . Neither one of us liked that - and finally he voiced his protest by having a temper tantrum when he saw that far corner - bucking and trying to get away . I quickly spun him into the wall and made some small circles until I felt he was under control , again . Now , I really didn 't trust him . I went back to walking laps . I did some short trot spurts and practiced stopping . He started to get better . When I tried to take him down the wall that leads to our barn door , he braced himself to go straight to the door - rather than turn along the track . I ended up spinning him again . I went back to rotting circles on the safe end , again . He kept trying to get either to the far end or our barn door . When I could keep him from overbending , I could feel my old Cole from last year return to me . A friend showed up , and we started to talk as I rode . We seemed to relax , then , and I started getting good circles without fighting . It was getting close to an hour of riding , so then I just went and walked the hard direction . At least I was no longer afraid when I reached the far end . I know it will get better - and probably just in a few rides . I had to contend with my nerves , re - familiarizing myself with his big show trot while he was getting used to working in a manner that he hasn 't worked in since back in March . The challenges did make the ride much more entertaining and the time went fast . We never even got to work on our laterals . I haven 't seen Ellen and Dante work in the arena , lately . The last time I did , I helped her with straightness and corners . She tells me she is still having some trouble with the corners , but he is doing well on the straightaways . She is learning to correct him when he goes crooked . Often , from the saddle it looks like your horse is traveling straight along the wall or fence , but upon closer examination , you will see his shoulder is the same distance from the wall as his hip . Since a horse 's shoulder is narrower than his hip , this means he is crooked . His shoulder should be directly in front of his hip - making it further away from the wall . If you are unsure , have someone stand in front of you while you ride down the wall , and that person can tell you what is happening . Once you know your horse is crooked , you need to be able to develop the feel for when he is crooked and when he is straight . When he is crooked , you need to adjust him right away and do it every time . It 's a lot of work just to ride a straight line along the wall ! Corners are even more complex . No wonder I like to trail ride , but I know that schooling in the arena is important to making a well - rounded horse and rider . If you are aware of the changes in your horse 's body - telling you he is going crooked , you are more likely to notice any changes on the trail , too . He may be a little anxious about something off to the side or nervous when you are riding next to another horse . It gives you an early warning that something may happen and the potential to avoid it . Sometimes Cole gets upset when other horses are close to him . When he " tells " me , I move him ahead or behind . If I 'm not paying attention , there are times that he will bolt forward or sideways to get away . ( Cole is a big sissy . ) Learning to straighten your horse easily can be handy , too . Let 's say there is some mud and your horse doesn 't want to get his feet dirty - but by going around it , your knee is aiming for a tree . By making a slight adjustment , you may save your knee and maybe still stay out of the mud , but you need the ability to make that adjustment - and your horse needs to know what you are asking . We had some great riding this weekend . It was rainy on Saturday , but not too rainy to ride - - just rainy enough to keep the tourists out of the park . We were nearly alone - - except for the usual joggers . On Saturday , Ellen and I took Dante and Cole out on the short ride ( 5 miles ) and they were great . Since Cole 's weekday rides have been shortened due to the early darkness , he was a bit full of himself . We let Dante lead for a while , but we couldn 't take the slowness any more . When we took the lead , Cole flew along the trail . We did some terrific trotting and had a great gallop . We can get away with it because Dante remains calm . We just wait for them to catch up . Ellen did canter Dante a couple times , too . Ellen did insist on leading the way home because she wasn 't so sure that Dante would tolerate Cole vanishing from sight . Cole did get frightened by a loose dog . The dog was Daisy , one we know well . She jogs along with her owner , and is one of the best behaved dogs we have ever encountered . She just started running around like a nut - - to the embarrassment of her owner . Once I got Cole to stand , he just froze until she settled down . Dante was fine . Sunday 's ride was a little challenging . It was sunny and beautiful . We headed up to the show ring trails . They started off both walking dreadfully slow . By the time the trails improved and we could trot a lot , Cole came to life . We had one leap into a canter accented with a buck at the bottom of the big hill . That completely took me by surprise . He stopped readily . They both handled the hill beautifully . Once on top , Cole led at the trot . He was rather spunky , but he was reasonable . I kept looking back to make sure that Dante wasn 't upset when we got too far ahead . There were muddy patches on the trail that we stopped to walk through , and Dante would catch up with us . All was going well until we got to the end of the trail by the street . I heard some odd bird noises coming from a tree right by the trail . As we neared to a stop by the tree , Cole flew sideways - away from the tree in alarm . He settled down , Ellen caught up with us , and Dante got startled by the tree , too . We turned them around and asked for a walk and Cole leapt up and said we should just get away from that tree as fast as possible . I calmly circled him back under control . Dante was also nervous . As we walked down the trail , 2 hawks were flapping and calling from tree to tree as if they were following us . I don 't think they were - it was probably coincidence . The only thing we could think of is that they were having a territorial issue . Once we got away from them , we trotted with Dante in the lead . Ellen got him to go fast enough for Cole to trot comfortably and they were great . We decided to pass up the trail leading home and ride out on the front loop that goes around the show grounds . This was the first time we ever did it with Dante . Most of the summer , it was just too hot to go out into the sun and just walk around . Being right out in the open , we have found our horses can get pretty excited the first few times . We were right - they were both keyed up , but all went well . I had one more problem spot with Cole . When we went down the big hill , Cole decided to trot . The big hill is very , very steep and it has a large rut that was caused by erosion going down the center of it . It wasn 't a place for rambunctious . I asked him to " whoa " which is something he is very good at , and he ignored me . I resorted to bending him sharply - not something I wanted to do on the hill , and finally he stopped . I made him stand quietly for about 30 seconds and then decided I was better off leading . He did better , but he had one more bad moment when we got close to the bottom . That time , it was a little easier to stop him . He hasn 't pulled anything like this since back in the spring . I think it was just his mood . We rode at a walk the rest of the way home , and other than refusing to stop and stand - which is pretty bad for him - he was fine . Dante did better on the ride , overall . I my issues with Cole are related to cool weather and shorter , less vigorous evening rides . We do have another long weekend coming up - that should help a lot . I haven 't blogged for a while because I have had a cold , and it has taken away my creative energy . It hasn 't stopped me from riding , of course . Ellen and I had a 4 - day weekend , last weekend . The park was paving the road by the northern trails , but we still had the southern trail . It isn 't as long , but we were just glad they weren 't paving there , too . The weather was nice and the horses were great . We had lovely rides . On Saturday , we were able to go north , so we decided to go on a long ride . We hadn 't done it for a while because of everything going on in the park and all the paving . This is the ride we used to go on with Ranger and Cruiser in their youth . For the first time , Ellen was brave enough to cross the big river on Dante . The only time I handled him was to lead across the busy ford . He was perfect for everything , of course . The whole ride went well , but we were still disappointed . Now that we didn 't have any new goals to accomplish over there , we were just frustrated . These used to be awesome trails that we could trot and canter most of the way . It was a thrill to go ride fast and far . The problem - the trails are still a mess from the big spring flood . There is gravel , everywhere . We would trot for a minute and walk for a minute . This went on most of the way . Towards the end , it got better , but we were anxious to get home . We had to turn before we got to the best part of the trail . It took us 3 hours to do a ride we used to do in 2 hours . We got back right in time for the horses to get their noontime meal - and Ellen wasn 't able to ride Ranger . It was disheartening to look forward to being able to go on the long , fast and far rides and find out that we can 't do it anymore . We can do really long , slow rides where we feel guilty with every bad step the horses take on all the stones . We can 't have what we used to have until they do some repair work , and they are too busy worrying about repaving the road . I don 't know if anything will ever happen . They did do a little repair work on the other short trail , but not all that much - though we will take anything we can get . The next disappointment of the weekend happened on Sunday . Our niece , Missy , was home from college and was supposed to ride with us . She called me in the morning as sick as a dog and cancelled . ( Turned out she has mono - no wonder why she felt so horrible . ) We did the ride that we planned , just the same . It was time to go to the show ring . Missy never went up there before , and she would have loved it . We had a great ride . The weather was perfect for October , the trees were lovely and the trail up there is far from the river , so it 's never harmed by flooding . We trotted and trotted and trotted . It was fun . We met Kevin and Starry on the way home . It was the best ride of the weekend . My evening rides have been short . I just don 't have much time before it gets dark . I rush home , eat , feed Thunder and Maggie , take Maggie on a short walk and rush to the barn . I can saddle in less than 5 minutes and be on the trail , but I can 't go far . When I get back , I ride the loop in the back of the property in the dark . I was unable to do this with Cole last year due to misbehavior , so I am happy I can do it now . I am just not ready to ride in the indoor arena - maybe next week if the weather is bad . I just can 't do it , yet . She has been having problems with him drifting off the wall and cutting the corners . On Saturday , I let her warm up and watched what they were doing . I saw some very lovely trotting , but she was having problems . I haven 't ridden Dante in the arena in many months , so I thought I would take a spin on him . I wanted to determine if the problem she was having was rider error or an evasive horse . Dante is such a cooperative guy , I really thought it was Ellen . So did she . Now , confession time . Ellen and I never had a real lesson . ( Have you seen the prices of lessons ? We have horses ! How can we afford lessons ! ) We are self - taught with the help of books and a few DVDs . Our favorites are Mary Wanless and Jane Savoie . Mary to help us with the riding and Jane to help us with the training . Overall , I think we 've done pretty good . I have had way more arena experience than Ellen because I have had more horses , and I can 't ride on the trail much of the year because of the dark evenings . Ellen is able to ride in the morning . I have been forced to spend the more time in the arena than her . Besides , I 'm the big sister . I realized that the aids I used to keep Dante on the wall and in the corners were a strong thigh when I felt him deviate and an indirect inside rein combined with my thigh as I approached a corner . I explained what I was doing with Ellen , and then it was her turn . She walked him around in the more difficult direction , and not surprisingly , Dante understood what she wanted . I had her trot a lap - and wallah ! It was like they had been doing it all along . She wanted to quit , but I told her to do one more lap to get the feeling in place . She repeated her success . She found out she just needed to work a little harder . On Sunday when she rode him in the arena , she didn 't even need me . They trotted around like a dream . Of course , when you work harder , you get warn out . Once she reached the exhaustion phase , we went outside to walk around . She now has something to work on when I 'm not around . We think Ranger is around 25 years old . There is no doubt that he has some arthritis and he 's getting a cataract in one of his eyes , but overall , he is doing well . Ellen has had to limit his riding to make sure she doesn 't overdo it and make him sore . He no longer will canter for her - she is sure it is physical since he has always loved to canter in the past . He doesn 't trot near as fast as he used to either , but he still has his great walk . Last weekend , she bought him a new girth . She rides him English . His old girth was too short and she had to use a girth extender to make it work . Also , it was stretched more on one side than the other which was evident when on she would hook up the billets . It was a very expensive , brand name girth , but it just wasn 't working right , anymore . She bought a longer girth , so that Ranger no longer needed a girth extender . The new girth is also contoured for comfort . She didn 't get the expensive brand , again , since she didn 't like how it pulled at his long winter coat . ( She had to use a girth cover to prevent it from bothering him . ) She tested it out on Saturday . I was on Dante , and as I followed along , I was marveling at how perky Ranger seemed . He had had a few days off , and I just figured that was the reason . Ellen did notice that he moved smoother than he had been when she went down slopes . She attributed it to the new girth . Dante had a sore hoof on Sunday , so Ranger ended up going on the longer ride - even though he had a brisk ride the day before . We figured he would be grumpy and unenthusiastic - even though it was to his favorite destinations - the show ring . I rode Cole . Once we started trotting , I was surprised how fast Ranger went . He wasn 't tearing up the trail like he did 10 years ago , but I was able to follow at a comfortable posting trot - and he stayed like that for all the trotting we did . By now , we were starting to become suspicious . It was Day 2 and rather warm for a horse with so much winter coat . Could it be the new girth ? We talked about it and thought we would just see how the whole ride went . When we turned to go home , he pouted - as he usually does . He used to live up there , and he always thinks he is leaving home when we turn to go home . Once we got far enough away from his old barn , though , he picked up the speed . Now , that wouldn 't be unusual for the Ranger of years gone by , but this is a pretty long ride and for the last year or so , he would walk slowly all the way home . Cole had to keep stopping to wait for Ranger to catch up . We attributed it to his age , but now , we are thinking a little different . Horses don 't change their behavior for no reason at all . Maybe the reason he walked slow on the way home was that he was aggravated by his girth - not by his age . Maybe he is now walking fast on the way home like he used to because his girth isn 't bothering him anymore ? The farrier was out , yesterday to give the guys their pedicures . Ellen explained the abscess , so Ken took a look . He found a hole on the bottom of his hoof , opened it up a bit and it was as dry as could be . It didn 't seem to bother Dante at all , too . They spot where it busted out on the top of the heel is dry and only a little sore . Ken said to go ahead and ride him - and Dante will let her know if it is bothering him . As it turns out , this weekend is going to be the prettiest weather of the whole year - 70s ' , sunny and no humidity . We are glad that he gave his blessing to ride . Dante will go on the geriatric ride , tomorrow , with me in the saddle . Ellen will ride Ranger . If all goes well , he will go on the main ride with Cole Train on Sunday . Thunder had a bad weekend . He started having diarrhea , and that made him so uncomfortable that he would vomit when he finished with the litterbox - at least that was the best I could figure out . It started Friday evening . By Saturday morning , he wouldn 't eat . I went to the barn to ride , and then rushed back home . He started eating a little - I didn 't really want him to eat a lot , but I was glad he was interested in food , again . He needed a lot of consolation . He likes when I sit on the floor while he sits on one of his pedestals and he will just lean his forehead on my face and purr while I pet him . If I leave him , he calls out to me to come back . He just doesn 't want to be alone . By Sunday evening , he was much his normal self and I didn 't have to take him to the vet Monday morning as I had planned . What a relief . He is back to his old self . He gets very upset when he doesn 't feel good . A hairball is a big deal , and if I am at home , he needs petting and consoling for at least a half hour . He gets so upset that he shakes - it is awful . And then he will be just fine . I feel bad whenever I find out he had a hairball , and I wasn 't there to comfort him . He reminds me of my old horse , Mingo . When Ming would get a hoof abscess , and he had many , it was the end of the world . I remember once when my sister saw him laying down in his stall because of a hoof abscess . He saw her watching him . He nuzzled his back hoof to show her the problem and flopped onto his side and said he was going to die . What a contrast to Dante this weekend ! We thought his foot was fine , and he ended up blowing out the abscess during the ride . He didn 't even limp . I guess animals , as well as people have different tolerances to pain . I also know that some animals will hide it because they don 't want to appear vulnerable . I don 't think that was the case with Dante , since it was evident he had an abscess a few days before . It probably just moved to a spot in the hoof that didn 't cause him pain when he put weight on that foot . potential fate of any horse that ends up at an auction - ask Ranger . That 's where he came from . The meat man bought him , but he was put in future trail horses , please check them out . Many of the horses are registered . They are upfront on the horse 's abilities and limitations , and they only My sister and I take our vacation days together so we can go riding . We have to pick our days weeks ahead of time because if the way her employer 's system works . It 's not like we can look at the forecast and pick the days with the best weather . Instead , we just guess . Well , we planned a 3 - day weekend , and the weather wasn 't the problem this time . The week before , we found out the park would be repaving the road that runs adjacent to the bridle trails . A few days after that , Dante started acting like he had a hoof abscess . Yes , it was vacation time . It looked like Dante was brewing a rear heel abscess . He was reluctant to place weight on his heel and he was a little lame . We were doing the soaking routine , and nothing seemed to happen . Our farrier was scheduled to come out in less than a week , so if it wasn 't better by then , we would have him drain it . Saturday , Dante 's hoof seemed better - so much better that he wasn 't showing any lameness at all ! Could it have drains from a tiny hole , and we didn 't know about it ? We led him around and turned him out to trot around . They are only working on the street paving during the week , so there was no problem with going on a trail ride . We then took Ranger and Cole out for a ride up to the show ring area . It was a fun ride with a fair amount of trotting . Ranger can manage one longer ride at a time , but we don 't want to overdo it with him , so Cole and I left 20 minutes before Ellen and Ranger . We had a vigorous ride with a lot of trotting and cantering while Ellen had a slower and shorter ride with Ranger . I met them on the way back right at the spot where Ellen was planning to turn around , and we walked home together . She said Ranger was rather slow , but when she told him to " find Cole , " he started to neigh and went faster . ( We used to play this game with Ranger and Cruiser , and they learned the find command back then . Starry knows it , too . ) Monday , our vacation day , was the day we made lemonade out of the lemons . Ranger earned a day off , so Kevin graciously offered us Starry . Starry is a great horse in so many ways , but he has the misfortune of having a very , very uncomfortable trot . I have never ridden a worse one . You have to post , of course , but it is so bouncy and inconsistent that it is very tough to post . Once we got across the river , we started to trot , and the first words out of Ellen 's mouth were , " This is horrible . " I just trotted happily along behind them . After a while , I suggested she try cantering , and she did . She found his canter much more comfortable than his trot . When we got to the spot that Cole loves to run , I took the lead and left them in the dust , as usual . Ellen cantered and trotted along at their own pace . I waited for them to catch up . I think she had fun . We crossed the river and did a lot of walking because the trail conditions are horrible over there . When we got out to the street , we could see they had just sprayed the road with some sort of sealant . We didn 't want to step on it - not knowing what it was - but we were able to ride over to the intersection and go around it on the other road . Though neither horse has ever done that before , they both took it all in stride . We then have a quarter mile of good trail , so Ellen took the lead with Starry and we began to trot . I don 't think she could manage the trot any longer due to muscle fatigue , so she asked him to canter . Cole just trotted behind . We made it to the end had headed home . One the way home , we realized how lucky we were to pick our two best horses in traffic . By now , the paving was beginning . There were lots of alrge noisy equipment on the street - things that would have gotten Ranger all wound uup and way more than Dante 's ever been exposed to . Dante might have been fine , but Ellen would have been so worried that it would have ruined her ride . Cole and Starry didn 't seem to notice . Back to Dante . Ellen rode him in the arena and he seemed sound , but a little slow . She then took him outside and we walked the loop . We discovered he thinks wild turkeys are cool and wants to follow them . Dante is doing so well , I have very little to report . Basically , we are just working on building Ellen 's confidence . I say " we " because Dante and I are doing together . We had a3 - day weekend . As usual , on the first day , the river was too high . It was rainy , anyway . We worked on the hill . We took each horse separately . First , Ellen went with Dante . This is to help wean her off Cole . Dante was fine by himself - he always has been . He does tend to cry a little bit . He has the hoarsest voice I have ever heard on a horse . At the bottom of the hill , we have a smooth , flat section that she trotted back and forth . Dante was a little fast and hyper to start with , but then he settled right down . I then took Cole on the hill by himself instead of with Ranger . That way , I could do faster work . We did a lot of trotting , some cantering and Ellen placed some small logs on the trail so we could try jumping . He mostly trotted over them . Once , he did a large canter stride . She then took Ranger on a quiet trip around the back loop with me walking beside them . Saturday turned out to be a much better day . We took Cole and Dante on the short , fast ride . We did lots of trotting and a little bit of cantering . Since the river was still a little high , Ellen just rode Ranger on the hill . He was quite full of himself and trotted rather fast on the bottom . Sunday was the best day of them all . We took Cole and Dante up to the show ring trails . There was a show at the ring , but we went nowhere near it . We just trotted The back trails . Both horses behaved lovely . Ellen then took Ranger across the river as l hiked along . They found Kevin with Starry along the way , and that made it even more fun . On a sad note , but days are getting shorter and there is barely enough time for me to get a trail ride in after work . Kevin and I have had such a nice summer of trail riding in the evenings this year - I am really going to miss it . I just can 't get into the mood of working in the arena . I have one more week . My sister and I love to ride up to the show ring trails all the time - but particularly when the goldenrod is blooming . Sunday was a chilly , sunny morning - a perfect day to see the goldenrod . Instead of Dante , Ellen took Ranger . Ranger loves the trails up there since he used to live there . He gets all excited on the way out and pouts on the way home . This day was no exception . He was a little slow to warm up as any 25 - year - old would be , but once he did , he was very eager to be out . Ranger is the bully of the barn , and he loves to pick on the other horses . He likes to lead at the trot and gets angry when other horses pass . If we are walking and the bugs are bad , he wants the other horses to go first , though . In the last few years , he invented a new game . Instead of trotting fast so other horses can 't pass , he slows down or stops to let them pass and then makes angry , threatening faces at them as they try to pass . Cruiser never cared - he was just happy to be in the lead . Cole and Dante get intimidated . We don 't like it because we want to keep trotting and not play the game at all . I decided to try something new . Ellen would trot off with Ranger . I asked Cole to stop , clicked and treated him . That gave Ranger a chance to get 20 feet or so ahead . Then , I asked Cole to trot and match Ranger 's speed . The speed was a little slower than Cole wanted , but I just kept praising him and telling him what wonderful horse he was . The only time we ever caught up with Ranger was the time I wasn 't paying attention . It worked like a dream . Ellen got to trot Ranger as much as she liked , and Cole didn 't get picked on . As we were trotting through the Lagoon , some people were standing in a parking lot by the trail . They pointed out Ranger and watched as he went by . I told Cole that this was our chance . I quit posting , squeezed my legs and Cole launched into his " Show Trot . " Ellen heard me chuckling , and she knew just what happened . I don 't know if the people looked at us , but if they did , Cole looked fantastic . Ranger marched along to the big hill . Ellen leads him up because she wants to make it as easy as possible for him . ( She has been getting spoiled from riding up with Dante . ) We walked through the pretty pine forest and then we reached the " Pig Trail . " It is the best trail in the whole park since it is no where close to the river and is not subject to flooding . We trotted along - stopping only where it got muddy . Then , suddenly the trees ended and we were out in the field of goldenrods - and they are at their peak of blooming . It was yellow everywhere - except for the places that were the homes of purple asters and the last of the Joe Pye Weed . The sun was at a perfect angle - it looked quite magical . We trotted along to the end of the trail , turned around and headed back . We did a little bit of trotting , but we didn 't want to overdo it with Ranger . We explored one side trail that doesn 't go far , but it is a fun trail , nonetheless . It is seldom traveled and many tall plants were obscuring the trail . Ranger had a great time eating . I was able to keep Cole from eating , and gave him a carrot at the end for resisting all that temptation , but I don 't know if he understood it . After a walk break with Cole in the lead , Ellen thought we could try trotting with him in front . She doesn 't want Ranger to push himself too hard , so I would have to keep Cole at a slow and steady speed . I used to do this back we would ride with Ranger when my niece , Sarah , rode him , so I knew that Cole was up to the task . I asked Cole for a slow trot , and he went so slow that Ranger caught up to us and Ellen told us to speed up . I could feel Cole reacting to the pressure of Ranger being close to him . I asked him to go faster , and he did - but then Ranger turned into a bully - and Cole said , " I 'm out of here . " He took off like lightning to get away from Ranger . I stopped him as soon as I could , looked around and saw Ranger charging down the trail . I missed his kitten buck and a couple of canter strides . ( Ranger doesn 't canter under saddle anymore , so that was the real surprise . The kitten bucks are normal . ) So much for that experiment . After that , we walked home . At times , Ranger would want Cole in the lead , we would pass , he would make faces and sometimes get upset that Cole was then in the lead and insist he went in the back . Poor Cole . He was always glad to get behind Ranger . It was a great ride , and I think that Ranger really enjoyed himself . Ellen and I sure did enjoy ourselves . I hope Cole did … Dante did great this weekend . On Saturday , we went out to the Brookpark Bridge for the first time . It is a massive bridge and very noisy . Cole Train was nervous the first few times under that bridge . Dante asked to touch the pillar . Ellen let him . Cole stood and watched - appalled . Ellen clicked him and gave him a treat . It was a very hot and humid morning , so we didn 't go really fast . we met Kevin on Starry on the way back . it turned out to be well over 2 hours . The big news is my garden ! I have been harvesting non stop . My freezer is getting filled and my dehydrator has been running non stop . I have piles of zucchinis - yes piles . This may have been my best garden , ever , in spite of my tomatoes getting blight . I have so many of them , I don 't care if the plants die early . my lima beans have hit their stride , the beans just won 't slow down and I am still eating cucumbers . My peppers were the only underperformers , but the have started to produce , too . my only problem - will I be able to eat all the veggies I have stored for winter by next summer ? On Saturday , Kevin and I went downtown and caught the end of the air show . The Blue Angels put on a fine show . We also got a few good hikes in over the weekend . Ellen and I had a 4 - day weekend , and we spent it riding , of course . Thursday , the river was too high to cross . I watched her ride Dante in the arena and then she did the hill a couple times with him . We then rode Ranger and Cole on the hill . Friday , the river was low enough to cross , so we took Dante and Cole up to the show ring trails . They were both so good and we had a great time . it was so oppressively humid that Ranger got the day off . we just led him in the arena to loosen him up . Saturday , we did the shorter ride because it has a good section for cantering . When we arrived , I cantered off with Cole . Cole can be very fast , and we lose most horses we canter with . When we got to the end , we stopped and waited for them to catch up . Turns out that Ellen got to gallop Dante for the first time . she thought it was because Cole got so far ahead , but when she stopped , she found a huge , ugly horsefly on his rump . It left Dante before she could kill it and came right to Cole . It landed on his shoulder and was flat on the ground the next second . It will never bother another horse , again . The rest of the ride was routine , but fun . To make it a longer ride , we passed up home and rode the access trail . Ranger went on a short ride and I hiked along with them . Ellen had so much fun cantering that we did the same ride on Sunday . Dante cantered his normal speed , and she loved it . She took Ranger on the short ride , again and I hiked , again . And that 's a good thing . It just doesn 't give me much to write about . I only got to ride with Ellen on Saturday , and we had a really nice time . We went up to the show ring trails . This time , we even rode up to the show ring . It is a large open field with the trail going around the show grounds . The area can be active , so it was no surprise that we ran into 5 horses . Dante handled the horses passing him without any trouble - unlike last weekend . It may have been because he didn 't feel trapped this time . We didn 't ride the whole trail because it was very hot in the sun . We usually only do it in the cooler weather . We prefer take the back trail which is scenic and very quiet . Ellen tries to do a " first " on every ride . Her " first " on this one was to ride down the very steep hill . It has been years and years since she has done that , and she made it about a third of the way down before her nerves told her she should hop off and lead the rest of the way . Dante was perfect . She had to work on Sunday , so I planned a good , long ride with Kevin and Starry . This was my longest ride of the year . They were so slow for the first half of the ride , but once I threw some cantering in , Cole woke up . Soon , we lost Starry as we flew down the trail at a trot - he actually got too hyper to canter safely . It was so much fun . While we were enthusiastically trotting down the trail , I had a wonderful thought - Cruiser must have come along for the ride ! Cole was acting just like him . When we got to the homestretch , I figured Cole would fly down it - after all , that 's what Cruiser always did . I asked him to canter - and away we went . He stopped quietly at the end and then we waited for Starry to catch up . We did a mix of trotting and walking on the way home . It started to rain , but it never got so bad that we were uncomfortable . The ride took us 2 : 50 . I used to do this ride in less than 2 hours when Cruiser was young . He was indefatigable . Part of the reason it took so long is that the trail is in such back shape in many places that we only trot - and I used to canter it with Cruiser . I sure hope they intend to do some repairs on our trails . We still had fun , despite the trail condition . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Milo is trouble . He lives it , breathes it . He embraces anything that numbs and takes his mind somewhere else , a world where his mother is herself and not just a shell , and his brother didn 't almost kill her , severing any relationship they had . But more importantly , Milo drowns out the guilt for leaving his mother and not being able to forgive his brother . He drowns his pride and moves on to another girl and another party , pretending that life isn 't moving on around him and he 's stuck in the same place . He 's stuck in the past and doesn 't know how to let go . She 's done the party scene and has had her fair share of close calls and handcuffs . Not the kinky kind . She 's so over it all and fought like hell for that life to let go so she could move on . She now works as a teen counselor . Her life is better , but her life is empty . She has no one but her brother in the whole world left and he 's sick with a disease that no medicine can cure . When they meet , a romance that scares them both emerges , but the love you fight for is the love that can mend bridges , heal scars , and open closed hearts . They 'll need each other , they 'll want each other , they 'll have each other . But will it all come too late ? Wide Open is very different from Wide Awake . This is about Mason 's younger brother , Milo . Before , Milo was just another druggie who owed money and never wanted to forgive his brother or see his mother , but he finally realized that he needed to change . Two years later , he is clean and his gotten his GED . Life is looking better for Milo until he meets Maya . Maya is different then any girl he has ever met , but she carries the responsibility of taking care of her brother . They are an unlikely couple who fit each other perfectly . Milo thought that his past was over , but his past isn 't done with him . I absolutely love this book and Shelly Crane . Wide Open is the second book in the Wide Awake series . I love that Milo has come to his senses . He very different in the two years , but he still has doubts about himself and fears that he want to overcome , but doesn 't know how . Especially without Maya . She just makes everything easier for Milo to handle . Maya is a troubled character . She has been through some rough times especially because she used to be a drinker and a druggie , but she knows that nothing good comes from that kind of life . She has to take care of her sick brother and pay for everything . This story should be an inspiration to others about drug use . Drugs have consequences , but you can change your life for the better . In Wide Awake , Mason and Emma have to deal with her memory loss and his mothers ' ability to not recall anything past the night of her accident . In this books , Milo and Maya have to deal with there pasts , Milo 's brother and mother , Maya 's brother Will 's sickness , and what they think will happen in the future . One of the best series that I have ever read and recommend it to everyone . Everyone deserves a second chance and this book proves that . Everyone needs someone to catch them when they fall . My mouth tasted like vomit . That wasn 't unusual . The arm creeping over my middle wasn 't unusual either nor the way I felt completely repulsed and sick . I worked so hard , drinking , doing any drug that I could get my hands on , sleeping with any girl that looked in my direction and didn 't slap me for my foul mouth as I told her all the things I wanted to do to her . Slurred , really . I knew it wouldn 't be long until Mason was there to pick me up . The small get - togethers , he wouldn 't get wind of , but the big ones , he always came and tried to save me . It had been about a month since I 'd seen him . He just didn 't get it . I didn 't want to be saved . At least , not at first . I hated him . I hated him with every fiber of my being for what he did to Mom . I couldn 't stand to look at him let alone live with the bastard . So I started going out all the time just to get away from him , only seeing Mom during the day when I skipped school and Mason was at work . But she never remembered me the right way , so it was pointless to keep seeing her . I just tortured myself by staying there and I wouldn 't feel guilty for leaving . Finally , I spent so much time away that it felt like I didn 't live there anyway and stopped going home . Mason texted me so much that I eventually just tossed my cell out of the window of my friend 's car one night . They laughed and laughed , whooping and telling me how free I was . We smoked enough dope to chill for the next day and a half . I never went back to school after that . I never went back home either . Why would I ? No one understood me , no one really cared about me . They all just wanted me to ' make something of myself ' . But how can you do that when you don 't even know the parts that make you up , the parts that make you you , the parts that piece together and make you feel whole . I hadn 't felt whole in a really long time . I felt older than I was . I may be a seventeen year old , but inside I felt like I was fifty . The girl next to me groaned and dug her nails into my side just a little . " What time is it ? " her raspy voice breathed against my shoulder . I leaned over the side of the bed and lifted my phone from my pants pocket . My new cell was dead . " Don 't know . Does it matter ? " " I have to work tomorrow . " She yawned and stretched . I started to get up , but she grabbed my arm . I winced at the burn on the inside of my elbow . I looked down at it , seeing the bruising from the needles under her finger tips . " I 'm outta here . " I shook her hand off . " Wait . Why so eager to get away ? " She rolled over on her stomach , her naked behind peeking out from the sheet , her feet swinging back and forth in the air . " You weren 't so eager to leave earlier . " " Sometimes they are . Sometimes it just doesn 't matter . " She watched as I zipped my jeans , commando . " I 'll cook you breakfast , " she bribed . I paused . I couldn 't even remember the last time I 'd eaten . I was so thin that I had to belt my pants to keep them up . I always crashed wherever I was or with a friend , ate whatever came my way , but sometimes it didn 't come very often . For all intents and purposes , I was homeless , but had yet to sleep outside . At her mention of food , my stomach decided to throw a fit . " What do you want for it ? " " Split it with me , " she said , biting her lip and sitting to let the sheet fall away . I stared at her chest since she was offering the view . She slithered up to me , unzipping my pants as she pressed her lips to my ear and said , " Come back to bed for a while , we 'll hit the blow , and after , I 'll make you some eggs . " I watched as she took the baggie from me with her fake nails . She leaned forward and kissed my cheek before dipping her pinkie nail in and sniffing the little she took up her nose . She put her finger back in the bag and I took it , rubbing what was left of the powder on my gums . Normally , I would have bolted , but I didn 't have anywhere else to go anyway . The promise of food was almost as satisfying as the sex I was about to have . She set up the lines and after we did them , one after the other , she pushed me down on the bed and straddled me . I rolled with the drugged ecstasy that crawled slowly through my veins as she groaned and moaned on top of me . And that was how Mason found me . The door opened and my head fuzzed over as I turned to look at him . His eyes locked on mine before he turned away , but not before I saw the disgust on his face . I gripped the girls hips to make her stop since someone coming into the room wasn 't a clear enough cue for her . I pushed her off onto the bed and sat up , scooting to the edge . " You do , Milo , " he said before turning . He looked and he saw all there was left of me . I suddenly felt like I was wide open for him to see it all , for him to see all the rot and gore inside me . He shook his head , his eyes searching my face . " God , help me . You do need me . " " Milo … when 's the last time you ate something ? " He rubbed his hair . I noticed how good he looked . He looked like he 'd gained some weight , the good kind . His arms and torso were bigger , new tattoos peeking out from his shirt sleeves . I realized it had been weeks since I 'd seen him . I stood and yanked my jeans on , spitting my words , hating how good he looked , knowing that he was happy with that girl that I 'd seen before . " None of your fu - " " Milo ! " he scolded , just as a hand crawled around his arm . The girl - his girl - looked around him , the sympathy pouring off her in droves as she looked at me . He touched her arm , his fingers caressing , smoothing . He looked back at me . " Don 't use that filthy mouth with Emma here . " She gulped as she looked at me . Her eyes lingered on my stomach before she looked up at my face . She smiled , just barely . " I 've got some hot coffee in the car if you like mocha , " she offered . He looked at her again as she came to his side . They barely fit in the doorframe together . He circled her waist with his arm , looking strung out and guilty . It angered me that he felt like he deserved her or anything else that would make him happy . " Trying to lure me out with hot coffee , " I mused angrily . " Wow , Mason . Getting the girl to do your dirty work for you . " " It 's my coffee , " she smoothed over , " but you 're welcome to it . I haven 't drank any yet . " She rubbed his chest and he sighed . He looked at me again , renewed determination in his eyes . " Let us take you to get some food at least . Anything you want . " " No . " I searched for my shirt and tugged it on roughly . I realized it was inside - out too late , but left it . I didn 't care . " Come on , Milo . You can still hate me , but do it while you 're eating something . " I gave him a droll look . " Milo … you look like hell , bro . " He begged me . He had never begged before , just ordered me around , dragging me to my room , and then I 'd sneak out before he woke up . He 'd never tried to feed me before . " Come with us , Milo , " his girl asked . " There 's an omelet place five minutes from here that 's pretty amazing . " She smiled and tilted her head . I sighed , sticking my dirty - socked feet inside my boots without tying them . " Whatever . I eat , then I 'm out . " I looked over at them and glared . " Don 't try to stop me from leaving . " " We won 't , " she insisted . She rubbed Mason 's arm and looked up at him sadly . She looked as if she were about to cry . I had no idea why . It couldn 't be for me . I didn 't even know this chick . I lead the way from the room . The girl I 'd left on the bed yelled something at us . I could tell she was mad , not understanding what was going on , but I just kept walking . I was pissed , really , because she had gotten my last hit and I hadn 't gotten off before Mason interrupted us . Mason 's car wasn 't parked on the street . I looked for it , but blondie passed me and went to a big truck in the driveway . He got a new truck ? How the heck did he have money for that ? I didn 't say a word as I climbed into the backseat . She handed me the coffee and I snatched it from her hands , tossing the lid off , and gulping it down . It burned my tongue and lips , but my fogged brain was past the point of caring or stopping . As I finished it , I watched as she scooted all the way over to press against his side . They whispered things back and forth that I couldn 't hear . The drive was short . Blondie had been right about that . We piled into a booth in the back , them on one side and me on the other , and I didn 't even pick up the menu . It pissed me off just smelling the food . My stomach growled so loud and hard it hurt . I was cold and rubbed my neck . When the waitress came , I ordered a root beer and a western omelet with cheese and hashbrowns . Mason ordered the same and the girl got waffles . Before an awkward silence could settle in , she started talking . " I 'm Emma , by the way . " She smiled . I stared at their intertwined hands on the tabletop . Mason had never had a girlfriend before , really . He wasn 't the touchy - feely type either . I was oddly fascinated at the way his thumb ran over her knuckles , over and over . " Hi , Emma , " I spouted sarcastically and let my gaze settle on her face instead . She was one of those girls who was gorgeous by design and didn 't even have to try . Her eyes , her nose , her cheeks . They all seemed to fit so perfectly . Her lips - they were Mason 's favorite thing , other than her legs , which I knew were his absolute favorite . He 'd always been a legs man . And she had some nice twigs on her , from what I 'd seen . I settled my eyes lower on the barely - there sliver of cleavage that peeked from her top . It was the first time I 'd seen a girl blush in what felt like years . The girls I kept company with didn 't blush . They were beyond that point , beyond the level that allowed them to feel embarrassed about sexual things . They 'd done it all . This girl … I shook my head and smirked at Mason . " Not sampled the goods yet , brother ? She 's mighty skittish . " " Shut your face , Milo , " he stood and growled . I was actually taken aback a little . This was as worked up as I 'd ever seen him . And over a girl of all things ? Holy crap . He was in love with this chick . I felt my hatred soften a little before snapping it back in place . I rubbed my neck again on that itchy , cold spot . " Whoa , Nelly , " I joked . " Calm the eff down . It was just an observation . " I laughed . It sounded strange even to my ears . It sounded like a sick person 's laugh . I glanced at Emma and actually felt a little bad at the embarrassed way she tucked her hair behind her ears . I squinted . Was there a story there that I didn 't know ? I didn 't respond to the beauty queen . I just pointlessly stirred my root beer . She was beautiful to the point of distraction , sweet and annoying all wrapped up in one , and I could tell that she had my brother wrapped around her finger whether she knew it or not . And it pissed me off . Mason shouldn 't be so freaking happy . And he was , I could tell . He watched her when she wasn 't looking . His entire presence shifted when she did . The waitress brought our food soon thankfully , and just as I was taking a bite , I saw the ring on Emma 's finger . Emma pulled her hands off the table into her lap , as if unsure if I was supposed to know that . Mason lifted his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close , kissing her temple . It shocked the hell out of me how much I wanted to be happy for him . " She has a nurse that comes and helps take care of her . I work with her every day on her exercises , but she still can 't walk . She and Emma get along great , too . Emma was one of my patients and lost her memory as well . " I jerked my gaze up to the beauty queen . She was watching me with parted lips , her eyes practically begging me to give in to Mason and stop the feud . I wondered if she knew what Mason had done , how Mason had - Mason leaned forward and glared as he barked , " Don 't look at her like that . And yes , I told her all about me . How I 'm the devil that destroyed your life and Mamma 's . How I killed my best friend . " She gripped his arm , tugging on it and pleading with him to stop . " She knows it all . " They stared at each other and I believed him that they had talked about it . It looked like they had talked about it plenty , in fact , but I could also tell that she kissed his boo - boos and made him think that it was all OK . But it wasn 't . " You couldn 't make me , " I spat . I stood and leaned right in his face with my palms on the table . " Always trying to run my life . Good ol ' Mason . " I saw him flinch slightly at that . He stood , too , licking his lips angrily in an attempt to calm himself . " I hate you so much . You killed our mother . " " Our mother is alive , " he replied loudly . People in the restaurant were now privy to our conversation , but I went even louder . " What she is isn 't alive ! When she doesn 't even remember me ? " " Not remembering you at all , " Emma said , barely . She looked up , her eyes dark . " When I woke up from my coma , I didn 't remember anyone . Not my parents , or my friends , even the guy I had been dating . I still don 't . " Mason sighed as if all of this was exhausting . " It could be worse , Milo . She could not remember you at all . " " Doesn 't matter , " I steamed ahead , unwilling to let them deter me . " The fact is that you ruined my mom . It 's pointless to even go see her because she won 't remember that I 've been there . " I turned to go , scratching my cold neck and feeling the rawness of my skin begin to set in . He grabbed my arm and before I knew it , I was looking at Mason holding his jaw as he leaned back against the table . Emma fussed over the blood coming from his lip with insistent ministrations with a napkin . I hadn 't even realized I hit him until my hand started to ache . The entire diner was watching us with these looks of disgust on their faces . Well , they were watching me . I shook out my fingers , wincing but not regretting it . I turned to go once more and heard Mason from behind me . " I love you , bro . " That stopped me in my tracks . I didn 't turn around . " I love you and I know that you won 't ever forgive me . It took me a long time to forgive me , too . I would still hate me if Emma hadn 't come along and showed me that I couldn 't blame myself forever . It was an accident , nothing but . I not only lost my best friend that day because he wouldn 't listen to me and drove anyway , and my mom , the way she was , but I lost you , too . I take care of Mom ; I became a physical therapist to take care of her . But you , I don 't know what to do for you , Milo . I don 't know how to help you . If you ever need anything or want to come home , the door 's always wide open . Always . I love you , even if you can 't love me back . " I hated the fact that he made me want to turn around , to make - up and forget everything that happened . I hated him . I hated all he 'd done . I hated how he tried to reconcile every time I saw him . And I hated that he was getting this great , perfect little life with a wife and kids . I didn 't look back again as I weaved through the tables on my way out . He yelled my name and something about giving me some money . I should have taken it and would have had it been anyone else . But I didn 't want his money . I walked for a long time to a friend 's apartment over the Irish Mug bar . Not only would he let me crash , but more than likely he had some smoke he 'd front me . After Mason 's little haphazard intervention , I needed it . I crossed the street to the bar and heard the honking before seeing the bright lights . I raised my hand and saw the car screeching to a stop right in front of me . He cursed and honked . I flipped him off and kept walking across the road . I heard him peel away as I climbed the stairs on the side of the building for his apartment . The bar was hopping , the music was so loud I couldn 't even hear my footsteps up the stairs . I knocked , but knew he couldn 't hear me , so I tried the handle . When it turned , I pushed it open . He had called me a few times , but I never checked my messages . My phone was just a drug ferry basically . I never used it except for making a drug buy or find a friend 's how to stay at because minutes cost too much for someone who never had money . I had odd jobs sometimes , but after you don 't show up on time for a few days in a row , they can you . That was the only way I could buy minutes and buy weed on a regular basis . But usually , I floated until my next paycheck , whenever that may be , and some friends would front me some things if I didn 't have the money . But I was a little behind right now and owed a few people . OK , a lot of people , and a lot of money . Even my friend I was going to see had threatened to cut me off if I didn 't pay him something . I usually just avoided the ones I owed money to . I " Milo ! What the hell , man ? " " Sorry , uh … " I peeked back , but it was still too soon and turned back around . " I wanted to see if I could crash here . " " Damn it , Milo … " He kissed her , I heard the smacking , and told her he 'd see her later , that he needed to take care of something . She walked by me and gave me a sullen look for ruining her night . I turned to find him pulling a black wife - beater on . " Dude , you can 't just come in like that . " He sighed . " There 's nothing wrong with getting lit on the weekends and making a living off of selling , but you . . . you 're not just having fun anymore . You 're hooked . You 're hooked , messing with deals you shouldn 't , and people are looking for you . " He took a step forward , but looked at me sadly . " I tried to help you . I knew you had it rough at home , but … you can 't stay here , man . Go . " " I can 't . " He gulped and leaned against the kitchen bar . " Mikey 's looking for you . And … so is Roz . Go . Now . " The curses piled in my head . I knew I owed him money , but for him to start actively looking for me wasn 't good for my health . But I needed a place to stay and I needed … something , anything to make me stop shaking and scratching . It felt like ants were in my veins and he needed to give me something . " Fine , " I bit out . " Just … float me a J . " " You already owe me for ten joints , not to mention all the blow and nuggets I fronted you . " He looked around , nervous as all get out . My brain was in a fog . I didn 't care if I slept on a bench outside . My friends usually came through for me , but lately they seemed less eager to let me stay . So fine , he could throw me out as long as he gave me something to tie me over . " I 'm good for it . My brother said he 'd give me some money until I get back on my feet . I 've got a job lined up starting next week , " I lied . " It 's just … been bad lately . I 'm under so much stress . " " Classic druggie line , " he scoffed . " Get out , Milo . The longer you stay here , the worst you 're making it for me . " We heard a car door outside and he sucked in a breath . " Go , man , now ! " I went to the window and peeked past the dingy blue curtain that the previous tenant had left and saw one of the guys who always set up my buys from Roz . I shook my head , backing away , and looked at him to help me . " Go out the back . And don 't say I never did anything for you , " he growled and went to the front door . " Go ! " He didn 't wait for anything else . His fist connected to my jaw and I heard the crunch , knowing it was hurt tomorrow , as I went down . He followed me and gripped my collar in his fist before slamming my cheek with his free fist . He beat on me for so long and hard all over that I blacked out . I came out of it a couple times , but it was so blurry and the haze of pain was thick . I could never grasp onto reality . No time passed at all for me . I closed my eyes and the next time I opened them , I was in a hospital bed . No one was there with me . It was a regular room , not the ER . I lifted my head to survey the damage and immediately regretted that hasty decision . My head hurt so badly , I thought I might black out again . I pushed with my elbows and made myself sit up . I touched my head to find a bandage , my eye was swollen , my lips all busted up , and my jaw was so sore , it hurt to even touch it , let alone try to open my mouth . I remembered being brought there , the cops , they asked questions … Right then , that was the only thing that truly mattered . I had rolled over on Roz . I owed so much money to so many people , but none of that mattered compared to the fact that I told the cops Roz 's operating spots and their names and everything . He was going to kill me . I had no idea how long I 'd been in the hospital and the lack of drugs made me way more lucid than the drug - induced stages I usually resided in . There wasn 't any morphine in that drip because I hurt all over so badly , I thought I might vomit . The fact that they hadn 't given me any morphine made me realize that they knew I was a … drug addict . There , OK , yes , if I didn 't get drugs every day , I felt like I 'd crawl out of my own skin . So , yes , I was addicted . And they knew it because they hadn 't given me anything to help with the pain . And I knew I was in deep . It hit me all at once as I yanked the needle out of my arm how bad things had gotten . I 'd ran myself into the ground . It had been way too long since I hadn 't had anything in my system and my hands shook as I eased off the bed onto the floor . I tried to yank the hospital band off , but I was too weak . The name on the band read John Doe . So they didn 't know who I was . I pulled on my jeans from the back under the bed . My body ached so bad all over , but I knew I had to get out of there . Once all my clothes were on , I peeked out the blinds to see an officer standing by my room . I cursed under my breath . That was probably the only reason the Roz hadn 't come after me . But the cops wanted me for something , and I could guess it was for me to roll over on Roz . They didn 't just guard anybody ; only the people who they wanted something from . I pushed the food cart to slam into the bed and then jumped behind the door . When he opened it , like I knew he would , I waited until he came into the room . He cursed and moved forward , bending to look under the bed . I scooted behind him around the door and acted as normal as I could as I walked down the hall . I heard him on his radio as he said that the suspect was missing . Then he argued with them that he 'd been by the door the whole time . I turned into the first stairwell I saw and took them as quickly as I could . I heard them coming from the lower floor and stopped . I could hear the crackle of a radio , so I jumped through the door with a peeling number four on it . It led to an alcove in the hall and I waited for them to go up as they passed . When it was quiet , I opened the door slowly and crept my way down the stairs , out of the hospital , and into the street . I didn 't know where I was going , but I knew I had to get away . It was then that I knew I 'd never see Mason or my mother again . I sat and looked at the envelope . It had the results of my GED exam . Finally , I was going to have a piece of paper that told me I had finished high school instead of just dropping out and being a runaway . I flipped it over and over in my fingers . It wasn 't like this was an application into Harvard or anything . It was a GED , but it was my GED . It was all I had . " If you don 't open that already , I 'm going to stab you with my fork . " Joey had been my friend for a long time now . It felt like forever , but had actually only been a little shy of two years . Joey worked at the shelter that I crawled into a few nights after I left the hospital . I hitchhiked for two days , sometimes with a ride , sometimes walking or sitting on the side of the road . I was starving , so weak I could barely walk , dehydrated except for a bottle of water a trucker gave me . They pulled me into the shelter at the church in some town . Joey was the one who made sure I got a bed in the shelter that night and for the next two months while I tried to straighten myself out . There were many bumps in the road . I still wasn 't sure exactly how many days the hospital had kept me , because I hadn 't know even what day it was when I went in , but the detox had begun then . I struggled with it , but had already gotten through some of the hard part . They made it clear that drugs would not be allowed in the shelter and anyone on drugs after the rules had been explained would be removed . To be completely honest , I fell hard off that wagon once or twice . I couldn 't believe how hard it was . That first pill or sip or hit after days and days of not having anything was like pure ecstasy , my body betraying me and making me believe it was what I needed and wanted . But Joey came and got me from wherever I was , yelled and told me how I needed to get straight , snuck me back into the shelter and made me promise never to do it again . Finally , that promise stuck . It 's been over a year since that wagon had caused any problems for me . |
When I woke up yesterday morning I did what I do every morning . I stretched and yawned . I disturbed a grouchy growling dog as I got out of bed and slipped into my sparkly purple slippers . After breakfast , we did a little Costco shopping . Customers were noticeably grouchy in the warehouse . There was a lot of impatient huffing and puffing . I heard a passing comment about " those people being so rude " . I 'm not sure if she was referring to a specific segment of the population or just the couple with the three rambunctious children . Oh , there are some slight variations to the way we spend our yesterdays . On Monday , Wednesday and Friday I go to an Aerobics class . Some days we have appointments , sadly these days mostly medical . We might attend a weekly or monthly community social group meeting . There are occasional family visits or a rare get - a - way , but mostly our yesterdays are day in and day out reliably , peaceful routine days . Today , though , is not the same as all of the other days . Today will always be different . It won 't ever be peaceful or reliably routine . Today , I lingered in our darkened bedroom , uninterested in Trader Joe 's green decaf . I briefly tried to talk myself into going to the Monday Aerobics class , saying , " But you 'll feel better . You know you always do . " I knew , though , that there was no way I could muster a polite thank - you to the woman holding the door for me . I did not want to have to make my mouth curl into a smile , a smile I did not feel . I 'm sure my arm would feel much too heavy to raise and my hand too clenched to be able to manage a cheerful wave to my Aerobic 's classmates . No , today is the day , this fifth , 5th of December day , that I find the courage to rip off the bandaid of polite smiles and cheerful waves and expose the raw wound of my grief . I will sit and stare out at the grayness of the day and feel all of the aches of my heartbreak . I will wonder why it happened . I will question how it could be . I will shake my head in disbelief that he is gone . I know I will never understand , for there cannot be any acceptable explanation . What I Did With My Extra Hour Today Oh my , it 's been too long since I 've paid attention to you . October got away from me without a single post . For me , writing is like exercising . If I am not disciplined and diligent , I get lazier and lazier to the point of inertia . I am sitting in my lazy chair , the one I mold into when I 'm obsessively knitting , just one more row , just one more row . Before I know it , it 's too late to go to my aerobics class . Inertia . My lazy chair is a well - worn high back wing . It 's in front of the fireplace in our living / family room . Although this morning there is a little nip in the air , it 's not chilly enough for a fire . Pretty soon I will have to move to the kitchen . Rico won 't eat his food unless I am sitting at the kitchen table . It 's one of his quirks . Lately , I 've been doing a lot of knitting . Truth is , knitting is and has been a big part of my life . For me , I suppose it 's similar to blogging . It satisfies a creative need . Many times it has been an emotional support for me . Like bloggers , knitters also have a supportive community . I am a member of a website called Ravelry . Now , within the knitting community , there are the knitting podcasters . They are also a tight - knit community . I have become obsessed with watching knitting podcasts . There are hundreds and hundreds of them on YouTube . I find it interesting that they all follow the exact same format . I wonder why that is . You see no one close to me is a knitter . None of my sisters knit . My daughter doesn 't . I tried teaching my granddaughter but she 's into other things , which I thoroughly understand . Actually , my knitting companion happens to be Ross . He encourages me by oohing and aahing about my latest projects . He is genuinely interested , but he refuses to learn how to knit ! I do belong to the needlecraft group in our community . They are a great bunch of friendly and welcoming women . They all do beautiful work . Even though I am around the same age as most of them , they are of a different knitting generation than the Ravelry and Knitting Podcast folks . By that I mean they are used to doing things the way they always did and seem to be hesitant to try new things . Which is okay . Okay , I have to come clean , I , well Ross and I , do have experience with podcasting . Our " show " is called Sundays With Lynda & Ross . It is mainly entertainment . Since we don 't have a lot of viewers , it mostly for our own amusement . And perhaps our great - grandchildren might come across our videos one day . But , to go solo with a podcast , For this shy introvert , though , it might be a stretch , a real reach outside of my comfort zone . If I can summon up the courage , I 'll let you know . " I had boxes of Joe 's clothes stored there . They 're downstairs for now . There are other things if you want to . . . , " her voice trailed off . I remember the last night I was with him . We were all there . All of us who achingly loved Joe , none of us , not one of wanting to let him go . I will always regret that I didn 't have my alone time with him that night . Perhaps I thought I would have more time . He promised me that , you know . Now , as she and I were focused on the boxes , but not really on the boxes , I felt awkward . I think she sensed that I might want to look through the boxes . She took the top off of one . My eyes were instantly drawn to feathery halos of soft gray fingers of fringe laying somewhere near the bottom of the box . I asked if she knew about a scarf that I had made for Joe , all the while knowing that it was the one down at the bottom of the box . The one that the halo of gray fringe was attached to . But I didn 't want to intrude . Funny , now that I think about it . How reserved I am . How reserved Joe was . Too polite to ask , " Would it be okay ? " I remembered the last time I saw him wearing the scarf . He walked into the room and I immediately noticed he was wearing the scarf . It made me happy . He wore it around it neck , hanging down loosely , making a fashion statement . He was cool that way . I believe it was at Domani 's first birthday party . The only birthday party Joe would get to spend with his son . Some of it is hum - drum , some not , but all noteworthy . At least I think so . And since it 's my blog I guess I get to decide . So , the painter , after a 6 - week delay due to a family thing ( his family ) will start painting our house on September 19th . Last week we went to the paint store and picked up a half dozen quart cans of various paint colors . We currently have patches of paint samples on our walls all throughout the house . We probably started applying the patches of paint too early because the more I look at the decisions I 've made the less I like them . In June of this year , our area was hit with a hail storm . A few weeks ago we noticed some of our neighbors were having their roofs replaced . At first , we didn 't think anything of it . The houses are in our community are starting to age . The older ones were built about 20 years ago . Ross stopped to talk to one of those neighbors and found out that their roof was damaged during the hail storm . We decided we should have someone check ours . Apparently , according to the roofer , our roof has storm damage . We contacted our insurance company . The adjuster came out last week . Now we are waiting to see if our insurance will pay for a new roof . Okay , this one isn 't so hum - drum and in fact , it was quite scary . Ross spent a good part of his early days outdoors , life guarding in the summer and skiing in the winter . He admits that he was never diligent about applying sun block . Last month he noticed a few suspicious looking areas on his skin . He went to a dermatologist who removed and tested several spots . One of the tests came back positive for squamous cell carcinoma . On Thursday Ross had surgery to have it removed . The doctor also took out part of the area around the original spot and had that tested . That result was negative and the doctor said it is unlikely to recur . Whew ! Last week I met my long time friend , Cathy for breakfast . Cathy and I have known each other for 60 years . Although we only meet every couple of years , we have managed to keep up with each other 's lives . A few days after our meeting , I received a thank - you note in the mail , my actual mailbox ! I don 't remember the last time I received something in my actual mailbox that wasn 't a bill or an advertisement . It was a nice surprise . After the meeting , one of his classmates took him aside and told him how much she enjoyed reading my blog . That next day I received a note from Kathy ( yes another Kathy ) . Even though this was an electronic note , it was just as much of a nice surprise . " Hi Lynda , I asked Ross to tell you but wanted to let you know myself that you are an amazing writer . I don 't follow blogs or do much on the internet but I read some of your blog and was blown away by it . Keep it up . You have a real gift . " Yesterday we had what we hope to be the start of a regular thing . A once a month Sunday dinner with the family . We all have busy lives . Well okay , Ross and I not so much . After all , we are retired . But making time , like we did yesterday , was a special treat . Up and coming : Perhaps a new season of " Sundays with Lynda and Ross " . Maybe after Labor Day . Ross ' 55th high school reunion is at the end of September . I 'm not sure I will accompany him . I haven 't decided yet . But most likely not . Last week we found out that a favorite aunt , my mother 's sister , is ill . She is in our thoughts . I hope to get over to see her this week . Speaking of Rico , he continues to have sleeping issues but at least not every night . Although , one of those nights was last night . It 's one of the reasons I had time this morning to write this post . Since I was up with Rico at 3 : 00 a . m . , I overslept and missed my 8 : 30 aerobics class . This week has been challenging , to say the least . We have definitely experienced the dog days of August . And I 'm not just talking about the two straight weeks of 90 + degree weather . I 'm not quite sure who has been challenged the most , though . It 's a toss up for sure . But since this is my blog , I 'll grouchily say me . I began thinking about getting a puppy . I saw an ad in the paper for " Breeder 's Assoc - America " . " Breeders Association of America , Inc is a licensed kennel providing purebred and designer mixed breed puppies . Our vet checked puppies come from professional breeders from all over the country . With boarding services , dog training and our in kennel boutique . We have it all for you and your new puppy ! " Sounds pretty reputable , doesn 't it ? I won 't go into details , but I didn 't have a good experience with them . The puppy I bought from them died within a week . It was very sad . I paid $ 1200 for the little guy , he was a Maltese . Luckily , NJ has a lemon law and after quite a hassle with Breeders Assoc . I was able to get my money back . About a week later , I saw an ad from a private breeder . He was born on a farm . As we drove down the winding driveway , we passed a couple of kids out in the field riding racing tractors . A little girl with pigtails and bare feet , perched on a sturdy branch of an old oak tree , waved as we went by . After we parked and got out of the car , the owner , and her husband came off the front porch of their house to greet us . She told us about the two puppies she had available . One was a little girl , about 10 weeks old . The other was a boy about 12 weeks old . The woman told us that the boy 's mother had died after chewing through the electrical cord of the heating pad they had put in her bed to keep her newborn puppies warm . Aww , I thought , how sad , an orphan . As we walked over to the pen to see the puppies , the woman pointed to a clump of trees a few yards away from the house and said , " Oh , there 's Sadie , coming for her afternoon visit . Would you like to meet her ? " As it turned out , Sadie was a deer . We were pretty amazed that we were able to actually walk up to her and pet her . When we got to the pen the boy immediately came up to us , jumping up , spinning around , tail wagging , and of course barking . Something he still does , by the way , each time I come home . The boy started nipping at the girl . She ran , to get away from him , I suspect . He chased her . The woman tried to convince us to take both of them . And if we had , it would have been about $ 300 cheaper than what we paid for the one puppy from Breeders Assoc . Anyway , I guess he , the boy , grabbed my heart right away . Rico and I and Rico and we ( me and Ross ) have had quite a life together . He 's traveled with us to Florida and upstate New York . He loved Joe . Joe would puppy sit for us when we vacationed and couldn 't take him with us . All of the grandkids have had their special times with him , each wanting to take a turn with the leash , " Can I walk him , Grandma ? " Rico just celebrated his 15th birthday . He 's an old ornery guy now and is suffering from a variety of old guy maladies . Arthritis being the main issue . Up until a few years ago , Rico would lead the way on our walks . Today , he walks a few steps , usually behind us and will stop to rest under the first shady spot he comes to . He used to bark at cars and other dogs on our walks . Now he can 't see or hear them . I have to help him up and down the curbs . About four days ago he started to become restless at night . He sleeps with us in our bed . He falls asleep and then about two hours later he wakes up , walks over to the edge of the bed and whines . He can 't get down by himself . The first night he did this , I got up and let him outside , thinking he must have to go . Afterwards , I put him back on the bed and he began to pace . Ross got up and at 3 : 00 a . m . took him out for a walk . And so began our challenging week . After the second night of this up and down and not sleeping we took him to the Vet . The Doc checked him out and speculated that his bones may be aching . " He 's very healthy for an old dude , " the Doc said , after doing a blood test . Since his kidneys and liver functions are excellent , the Vet prescribed an anti - inflammatory medicine for him which we were to give him two hours before bedtime . That was two days ago . The medicine didn 't help . Ross and I are now walking around like Zombies . We 're so tired . Probably me more so , since Ross seems to be able to sleep more soundly than me . Rico , on the other hand , sleeps all day ! Someone suggested Benadryl . We tried that last night and it seemed to make him worse . He was up from 1 : 00 a . m . until about 4 : 00 . Me too . This is part six of my story " Me and Marymae " . If you want to refresh your memory or if you have not yet read the first five parts , click on the tab at the top of my blog ( underneath the photo ) titled " Me and Marymae " . All six parts are included there . ( 6 ) " Come on , you have to admit , she was a little eccentric , " Junie said . " Remember how she used to walk around her house three times . Every morning at exactly the same time , she would walk around her house . Three times ! " " What was that all about ? " Junie squinched up her eyes and looked at me . " I suppose you know why she did that , too ! " she exclaimed . Oh , sure I could conjure her up , give her a face with the bluest of eyes , and snow white hair , but actually , she was the one who frightened me . I had to make her disappear . She was beginning to reveal too much . Perhaps , it was a bit foolish of me , but I thought , this time , I might have been able to have a complete and intimate relationship with someone like Marymae . I fantasized about how I would nurture her , tend to her needs , care for her until she trusted me with her entire being . I imagined a conversation that I might have with Terry Gross during an NPR interview on " Fresh Air " . " I loved Marymae . I cared for her , cared about her . She was strong , yet vulnerable . I cried when I found out . . . Well , I don 't want to give anything away , " Terry would say . " Was she based on a particular person ? " she 'd ask . Lovey bounded down the stairs . She stopped at the front door , barking and running around in circles , her tail furiously wagging back and forth . " Okay , okay , Lovely . Let 's see who it is , " said Fiona as clicked on the porch light and peered out the side window . A shadowy figure stood there , under a black umbrella , his or her face barely visible . It was a dark and stormy night . Posted by This is part five of my story " Me and Marymae " . If you want to refresh your memory or if you have not yet read the first four parts , click on the tab at the top of my blog ( underneath the photo ) titled " Me and Marymae " . All five parts are included there . ( 5 ) Marymae missed our next meeting . She called to tell me that Cray wasn 't feeling well and wouldn 't be going to camp that day . I wondered , though , if she felt she was beginning to reveal too much , not only of her story but also of herself . As I was passing Marymae 's house the next day , on my morning walk with Sunnydog , I saw Junie outside watering her flowers . She called to me , " Come on over . Have a cup of tea . " Junie was a nice woman and a good friend . But I was sure she was going to have a million questions about me and Marymae . I hesitated for a few seconds trying to decide if I was prepared to be barraged and if I would be able to avoid answering her probing questions . As I waited for the kettle to whistle , I sat at the kitchen table and leafed through the newspaper skimming articles , noting the ones I would want to read in depth later on . When I got to page six , my heart nearly stopped . There was a photo of Marymae with a caption which read : " Have you seen this woman ? " The article went on to say , that a local woman and her grandchild had gone missing . I was stunned . Apparently , Marymae 's son had reported her missing . I did have information . But , should I call the number ? I didn 't know what to do . I had promised Marymae that I would keep her secret . And then there was the package she gave me to hold for her . The tea kettle began to whistle while at the same time I heard a banging on my door and someone calling my name . I turned off the kettle and ran to open the door . It was Junie , frantically waving a newspaper back and forth . " Junie , " I said . " Calm down . Come here . Sit . " I put my hands on her shoulders , gently guided her over to a chair . " Take a deep breath , " I said . " That 's it let it out slowly . I 'm going to pour you a nice cup of tea and then you can tell me what you are going on about . " After Junie took a couple of sips of her tea , she began to regain her composure . She told me how two nights ago she had a terrible headache and couldn 't sleep . " That 's why I was up in the middle of the night looking out my bedroom window , " she said . " You know it faces the street . " " I didn 't think much about it . It was just something I noticed . You know , like something out of place . The next morning it was gone . Again , I didn 't think much about it , until I saw the paper just now . " So last weekend Ross and I attended a function at our clubhouse . It was called " A Summer Boardwalk Rock and Roll Party " . The flyer promised we would " Dance , sing or just shake our groove thing " . Whatever that means . When we first moved into this Active Adult community Ross and I attended club house functions a few times a year . Actually , I distinctly remember the first one we went to . The experience was quite jolting . It was a similar type of affair , with food and dancing . It kind of reminded me of a wedding which might have been held at a VFW hall . You know , hand made decorations , a local band , round tables for eight , with plastic table clothes . By the way , you usually have the best times at those weddings , don 't you ? Okay , so the jolt for me , attending my virgin Active Adult Community club house dance , was that as I sat there glancing around the room , observing the other participants , I felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy . At first , I was puzzled . The atmosphere was certainly festive . The room was full of party sounds , peppy dance music , laughter , people shouting greetings to one another . So why was I feeling a little less than jolly ? I slowly realized where my feeling of sadness was coming from . It 's a little difficult to explain , actually . I sort of felt as though I was having a back to the future experience . Does that make sense ? It was as if I was that sixteen - year - old girl , at a school dance , having a premonition of what all of my friends would look like 50 years later . Although I was on the dance floor dancing like it was 1969 , the white - haired , no longer thin as a rail woman staring back at me from my reflection in the darkened ballroom window was a startling reminder of this rude incongruity between my older body and young at heart soul . For a great many and various reasons , The Boardwalk Party dance this past weekend was the first one we have attended in quite a while . As I glanced around the room I smiled at the couple who obviously had taken dance lessons 30 years ago and had perfected the fox trot . I giggled at the big guy in his Hawaiian shirt trying to get under the limbo stick . " How low can you go ? " I was reminded that women will dance with each other in pairs or groups of three , four and five . The band was great , the music was loud . It was nearly impossible to have a conversation . Ross leaned over and to get close to my ear , " Let me know if you want to get up to dance , " he shouted . He apparently had noticed my feet tapping to the beat . " Nah , I don 't feel much like dancing , " I said as I felt the melancholy begin to settle in . This time , my sadness was more complicated . Then I felt a tug on my arm . I turned around to see a dear friend smiling down at me , motioning me to get up , " Come on , " she said . She guided me over to where another dear friend was waiting for me . The three of us had formed a bond about two years ago under the most difficult of times . With wide grins pasted on our faces , we began to move in time to " Ride Sally Ride " . Our heads bopped , our fingers snapped and our arms moved back and forth , up and down . Still in her elegant silk pajamas , every morning at 6 : 00 , Marymae would walk all the way around her house three times , padding through the wet grass in her pink crocs . She wore rose red lipstick and lavender blue eyeshadow . Her snow white hair was perfectly pulled back into a neat bun at the nape of her neck . Every morning at 6 : 00 , I walked Sunnydog , a big old fluffy golden retriever . Marymae and I would wave to each other as I passed by her house and Sunnydog would bark . We didn 't stop to speak . In fact , there wasn 't even a shout of " hello " or a " good morning " . Marymae was new to the neighborhood . She moved into the Hutchinson 's house after Cara Hutchison ran away with George Hurley . Tom Hutchinson , Cara 's husband was so distraught that he said he couldn 't bear to live in the town anymore . That 's when he sold the house to Marymae . The day Marymae moved in , I was taking the dog for his afternoon walk and I stopped to introduce myself . You know we had the usual new neighbor chat . I said , " Welcome to the neighborhood , if you need anything , I live three doors down . " Marymae became the talk of the neighborhood . No one in our Tuesday morning coffee klatch knew anything about her . Junie , who lives right across the street from her , knocked on her door a few days after Marymae moved in . " I asked her to join us on Tuesdays , but she never responded , " said Junie . " She didn 't even invite me in , " Junie said . Junie was the one who told us about the " three times around the house " jaunt that Marymae took each morning . " I watch her from my front window . It 's three times around the house . Always three times , " she said . Yesterday morning , at 6 : 00 , as I approached Marymae 's house , I saw her sitting on her stoop . She was barefoot , no pink crocs . Her head was down , cradled in her arms . Her hair hung loose falling down around her shaking shoulders . I walked up to her . " Marymae ? " She picked her head up and looked at me . For a brief moment , I became distracted by her eyes . The rims were red , from crying . But her eyes were the bluest I 've ever seen . I wondered why I 'd never noticed them before . Sunnydog was getting restless , tugging to get on with his walk . Marymae clicked her tongue and Sunnydog 's ears perked up . He went up to Marymae and began licking her toes . She giggled . Junie was a small compact bundle of a woman with short curly brown hair and large hazel eyes . It seemed that some part of her body was always in motion . Her voice was high and squeaky and she talked in fast spurts . She was a stunning looking child . She had her grandmother 's bluest of blue eyes . Her hair was light , almost white , like cornsilk . I thought Marymae 's hair was probably that exact color when she was Cray 's age . " I suppose I should start from the beginning , " she sighed and then began to talk . Her eyes had a far - a - away look as if she were reliving each moment . I hardly uttered a word during it , holding my breath for fear that she might suddenly realize that I was in the room . " I ran away from home when I was 14 years old . Well , actually Charlie 's father and I ran away together . Paul was older than me . He was eighteen at the time . We were in love . You know teenage love can be blinding . I certainly was blinded by Paul . My , he was handsome . Tall , well built . Paul 's father , Enrico , ran a steady handy man business . Paul and his two older brothers helped out . Enrico insisted Paul was to be the first in the family to go to college . Paul was smart and athletic . He had earned a full four - year academic scholarship and he made the baseball team . I was sitting in the back yard on the old wooden swing . Hmm , I haven 't thought about that swing in a long time . My dad made it . He saw an ad in a magazine . " Build it yourself " the ad read . He sent away for the plans and it took him practically all summer to build the swing . She was sitting on the floor , both hands holding onto her right ankle , a chair on its side next to her . The little girl was crying , saying " Ow , ow , it hurts , Grandma , it hurts . I want my daddy . " She gently took Cray 's hands away to looked at the child 's foot . " It 's going to be okay , Cray . It 's alright , it 's okay . " " She 'll be fine , " Marymae said . " Remember how she told you she likes to climb ? Well , apparently there was a puzzle on the top shelf that she wanted to play with . I 'd better get her home . I 'm sorry about the mess . " Well , Paul and I did run away together that summer . We didn 't get very far , though . We had no car . We hitchhiked and caught a ride over to the next town . Between the two of us , we had $ 23 . 00 . I 'm not sure who chickened out first , or I should say who came to their senses first , but Paul called his father from the corner phone booth to come get us . In August , Paul went away to school as planned and I started high school in September . At first , we wrote every day and called each other on the weekends . He told me about the parties he went to , the football games and how hard college was . By the end of the first semester , though , his letters were fewer and he usually had to cut our phone conversations short because he was getting ready to go somewhere or he had baseball practice or had to study . " " About a month before he was to come home for the summer , I got a ' Dear Marymae letter ' . I was heartbroken and moped around the entire summer . But young life goes on . Although I tried to remain expressionless , I 'm sure my eyebrows raised a little when Marymae casually mentioned a baby . Or at first , it seemed a casual mention to me . But I could see the pain in her face , the tears gathering in her eyes . It 's been a while since someone asked me , " How are you doing ? " I don 't mean the rhetorical " How are you doing " ? No , not the one that has become more of a greeting which most people respond to by saying , " Fine and you ? " It seems that acknowledgment of my grief has been relegated to his birthday , the anniversary of his death and holidays , especially mother 's day . I guess most folks assume I am " Fine thank you , " especially when they see my cheery Facebook posts or watch me smiling and joking on our " Sundays with Lynda & Ross podcasts . And to tell you the truth if someone were to ask me , " How are you doing , really doing ? " I don 't think I would be able to truthfully answer because , you see , it 's been awhile since I 've had the courage to ask myself that question . Still in her elegant silk pajamas , every morning at 6 : 00 , Marymae would walk all the way around her house three times , padding through the wet grass in her pink crocs . She wore rose red lipstick and lavender blue eyeshadow . Her snow white hair was perfectly pulled back into a neat bun at the nape of her neck . Every morning at 6 : 00 , I walked Sunnydog , a big old fluffy golden retriever . Marymae and I would wave to each other as I passed by her house and Sunnydog would bark . We didn 't stop to speak . In fact , there wasn 't even a shout of " hello " or a " good morning " . Marymae was new to the neighborhood . She moved into the Hutchinson 's house after Cara Hutchison ran away with George Hurley . Tom Hutchinson , Cara 's husband was so distraught that he said he couldn 't bear to live in the town anymore . That 's when he sold the house to Marymae . The day Marymae moved in , I was taking the dog for his afternoon walk and I stopped to introduce myself . You know we had the usual new neighbor chat . I said , " Welcome to the neighborhood , if you need anything , I live three doors down . " Marymae became the talk of the neighborhood . No one in our Tuesday morning coffee klatch knew anything about her . Junie , who lives right across the street from her , knocked on her door a few days after Marymae moved in . " I asked her to join us on Tuesdays , but she never responded , " said Junie . " She didn 't even invite me in , " Junie said . Junie was the one who told us about the " three times around the house " jaunt that Marymae took each morning . " I watch her from my front window . It 's three times around the house . Always three times , " she said . Yesterday morning , at 6 : 00 , as I approached Marymae 's house , I saw her sitting on her stoop . She was barefoot , no pink crocs . Her head was down , cradled in her arms . Her hair hung loose falling down around her shaking shoulders . I walked up to her . " Marymae ? " She picked her head up and looked at me . For a brief moment , I became distracted by her eyes . The rims were red , from crying . But her eyes were the bluest I 've ever seen . I wondered why I 'd never noticed them before . Sunnydog was getting restless , tugging to get on with his walk . Marymae clicked her tongue and Sunnydog 's ears perked up . He went up to Marymae and began licking her toes . She giggled . Junie was a small compact bundle of a woman with short curly brown hair and large hazel eyes . It seemed that some part of her body was always in motion . Her voice was high and squeaky and she talked in fast spurts . She was a stunning looking child . She had her grandmother 's bluest of blue eyes . Her hair was light , almost white , like cornsilk . I thought Marymae 's hair was probably that exact color when she was Cray 's age . " I suppose I should start from the beginning , " she sighed and then began to talk . Her eyes had a far - a - away look as if she were reliving each moment . I hardly uttered a word during it , holding my breath for fear that she might suddenly realize that I was in the room . " I ran away from home when I was 14 years old . Well actually Charlie 's father and I ran away together . Paul was older than me . He was eighteen at the time . We were in love . You know teenage love can be blinding . I certainly was blinded by Paul . My , he was handsome . Tall , well built . Paul 's father Enrico ran a steady handy man business . Paul and his two older brothers helped out . Enrico insisted Paul was to be the first in the family to go to college . Paul was smart and athletic . He had earned a full four year academic scholarship and he made the baseball team . I was sitting in the back yard on the old wooden swing . Hmm , I haven 't thought about that swing in a long time . My dad made it . He saw an ad in a magazine . " Build it yourself " the ad read . He sent away for the plans and it took him practically all summer to build the swing . It 's Tuesday . Tuesday is the regular day I post on my blog . Actually , this post makes it two Tuesdays in a row , so I would say that makes it regular . For me , although the filming is enjoyable and I get a kick out of watching us on " TV " , I find the process of editing and enhancing the video to be a creative endeavor . I discovered a good amount of free downloadable background music available on YouTube . Another toy for me to play with . Temporarily my iMac is set up in my dining room . I call it the studio . It takes me hours to process the film and it doesn 't always go smoothly . For instance yesterday , I started working on the raw footage at around 3 : 00 in the afternoon . We usually record for over an hour and I 've been steadily trying to get the finished video down to under 20 minutes . So most of what we record winds up , as they say , on the cutting room floor . Anyway , yesterday evening at about 8 : 30 , after 5 - 1 / 2 hours of working on the video , I was ready to begin the export from iMovie to a file on my hard drive . I clicked on the export button and got an error message . A vague error message at that . I was very upset and extremely frustrated . Ross heard my " oh , no ! " He told me to close up shop . " Work on it tomorrow , " he said . But I couldn 't let it go . Why ? Because that 's the way I am . I can be a bit obsessive , especially when there is a puzzle to solve . I won 't go into the gory details , but suffice it say , I didn 't give up until I fixed it . That was at 1 : 30 a . m . As I said to Ross this morning , I wouldn 't have been able to sleep if I hadn 't gotten it to work . By the way , this latest video is under 10 minutes , < patting myself on the back > . Still in her elegant silk pajamas , every morning at 6 : 00 , Marymae would walk all the way around her house three times , padding through the wet grass in her pink crocs . She wore rose red lipstick and lavender blue eyeshadow . Her snow white hair was perfectly pulled back into a neat bun at the nape of her neck . Every morning at 6 : 00 , I walked Sunnydog , a big old fluffy golden retriever . Marymae and I would wave to each other as I passed by her house and Sunnydog would bark . We didn 't stop to speak . In fact , there wasn 't even a shout of " hello " or a " good morning " . Marymae was new to the neighborhood . She moved into the Hutchinson 's house after Cara Hutchison ran away with George Hurley . Tom Hutchinson , Cara 's husband was so distraught that he said he couldn 't bear to live in the town anymore . That 's when he sold the house to Marymae . The day Marymae moved in , I was taking the dog for his afternoon walk and I stopped to introduce myself . You know we had the usual new neighbor chat . I said , " Welcome to the neighborhood , if you need anything , I live three doors down . " Marymae became the talk of the neighborhood . No one in our Tuesday morning coffee klatch knew anything about her . Junie , who lives right across the street from her , knocked on her door a few days after Marymae moved in . " I asked her to join us on Tuesdays , but she never responded , " said Junie . " She didn 't even invite me in , " Junie said . Junie was the one who told us about the " three times around the house " jaunt that Marymae took each morning . " I watch her from my front window . It 's three times around the house . Always three times , " she said . Yesterday morning , at 6 : 00 , as I approached Marymae 's house , I saw her sitting on her stoop . She was barefoot , no pink crocs . Her head was down , cradled in her arms . Her hair was loose hanging down around her shaking shoulders . I walked up to her . " Marymae ? " She picked her head up and looked at me . For a brief moment , I became distracted by her eyes . The rims were red , from crying . But her eyes were the bluest I 've ever seen . I wondered why I 'd never noticed them before . Sunnydog was getting restless , tugging to get on with his walk . Marymae clicked her tongue and Sunnydog 's ears perked up . He went up to Marymae and began licking her toes . She giggled . The next three days , when I passed by Marymae 's house on my 6 a . m . morning walks with Sunnydog , she wasn 't outside . I missed waving to her . Junie called me . " It 's been three days and Marymae has not been outside doing her " three times jaunt " . Junie was a little compact bundle of a woman with short curly brown hair and large hazel eyes . It seemed that some part of her body was always in motion . Her voice was high and squeaky and she talked in fast spurts . I admonished myself . Stop it ! You have become obsessed with this woman ! Just then , my doorbell rang . I laughed and thought , Wouldn 't it be funny if Marymae was at my front door ? I peered out the frontdoor side window and saw Marymae standing on my porch holding on to the hand of a child . I opened the door . " Come on in . " The child , a little girl , had her long blond hair tied back with a pink ribbon . The ribbon matched her pink sun dress and pink crocs . She had the bluest of eyes . " This is Cray , " Marymae said . " She 's my son , Charlie 's daughter . " " Cray will be living with me for awhile , " her voice cracked as she tried to hold back a sob . The Story of Me and Marymae Still in her elegant silk pajamas , every morning at 6 : 00 , Marymae would walk all the way around her house three times , padding through the wet grass in her pink crocs . She wore rose red lipstick and lavender blue eyeshadow . Her snow white hair was perfectly pulled back into a neat bun at the nape of her neck . Marymae was new to the neighborhood . She moved into the Hutchinson 's house after Cara Hutchison ran away with George Hurley . Tom Hutchinson , Cara 's husband was so distraught that he said he couldn 't bear to live in the town anymore . That 's when he sold the house to Marymae . The day Marymae moved in , I was taking the dog for his afternoon walk and I stopped to introduce myself . You know we had the usual new neighbor chat . I said , " Welcome to the neighborhood , if you need anything , I live three doors down . " Marymae became the talk of the neighborhood . No one in our Tuesday morning coffee klatch knew anything about her . Junie , who lives right across the street from her , knocked on her door a few days after Marymae moved in . " I asked her to join us on Tuesdays , but she never responded , " said Junie . " She didn 't even invite me in , " Junie said . Junie was the one who told us about the " three times around the house " jaunt that Marymae took each morning . " I watch her from my front window . It 's three times around the house . Always three times , " she said . Yesterday morning , at 6 : 00 , as I approached Marymae 's house , I saw her sitting on her stoop . She was barefoot , no pink crocs . Her head was down , cradled in her arms . Her hair was loose hanging down around her shaking shoulders . I walked up to her . " Marymae ? " She picked her head up and looked at me . For a brief moment , I became distracted by her eyes . The rims were red , from crying . But her eyes were the bluest I 've ever seen . I wondered why I 'd never noticed that before . Too bad " they " haven 't invented a way to record thoughts . You know the ones that pop into your head and you think , what a great idea . Then suddenly , without a bit of grace , but with a worrying amount of brute force , another thought bullies that shy brilliant one out of the way , silencing it perhaps forever . As I go about my day , my constantly noisy brain chatters away . I pay close attention to the chatter . I know that to be true because the stranger I may have noticed in aisle 7 of the Acme becomes the main character and that brief obscure random encounter becomes the convoluted plot of some of my most bizarre dreams . I am of the baby boomer generation . I have been married to my wonderful husband Ross for over 11 years . I have three children . My daughter Jen is married to Derek and they have two children . Bella is going to be seven years old soon and Ryan just turned three . My son Joe is married to Anne . They have a new baby boy , Domani Joseph . My heart aches as I include that my son Joseph passed away on Dec . 5 , 2011 . He was 36 years old . He died of Colon Cancer |
Rajat almost shrieked out with excitement . Somehow , restraining himself , he tiptoed to the door and looked through the peephole . They were here . How funny , he thought ; politicians hardly ever turn up on time at any other event . He moved back towards the hall and hiding behind a pillar , he said , " The door is open . Come in and sit down on the floor . " He heard the door open and the two brothers come in . They walked into the living room and sat down on the floor . Sweat was flowing down Rajat 's face . He tightened the grip on the gun . " Have you brought the money ? " he yelled . " Yes , we have , " came the reply , " come out , you bastard and get this over with . But mind you , tell whoever you are working for that we are not going to forget this in a hurry . We will hunt you down , you piece of slime ! " " Shut up ! " Rajat yelled , as he charged out from behind the pillar , startling the two . " You think you two can get away with any crime that you commit . Justice may have been late , but you will get justice tonight . " The sight of the gun seemed to have evaporated the sense of arrogance in their tone . " Li . . . Li . . Listen . . we don 't know who you are . Just take the money and let us go , " the bearded Bhairon said , as he made a move for his pocket . " Don 't even think about it , " Rajat whispered in a menacing tone . " Take out your gun , slowly and slide it across towards me . Don 't try and act smart , coz if you do , my hands would be a lot quicker than yours . " " Who are you ? " Beera asked with a clear tone of fear in his voice . " It doesn 't matter who I am , " Rajat said , " what matters is that Vinay Gupta was my father . . " Four shots whizzed out of the gun , two into each of the bodies and in a couple of seconds , the two lay dead in a pool of blood , their faces still showing the realization of their killer 's identity . Rajat , however , didn 't wait . He had other things to do . Although this had drained him , the harder part was still to come . He took the syringe in his hand . It was time to go . It was time for peace . He thought of his family , his wife , his beautiful daughter , his mother . " I love you all , " he said and pushed the syringe in to his vein . He had just a couple of minutes now before he would black out . Just one more thing , he reminded himself . He went to the wall and banged his head on it a couple of times . Blood started oozing out of his head . But he never got the chance to feel the pain . As the drug kicked in , he fell to the ground and blacked out . Sunday : 9 AM " So , what did you see ? " the police inspector asked a short plump guy who was shivering . " I live across this hallway , " he stammered , " That flat is normally locked all the time . It belongs to a guy named Satish . He lives in Canada . This morning I was going out for my morning walk when I found the door ajar . When I opened it , I saw blood everywhere . That 's when I called you . One of these guys I recognize , his name is Rajat . He is a friend of Satish 's . He used to lease out the flat on behalf of Satish and when it was empty , he came here once in a while to clean up . " Sunday : 11 AMThe phone was ringing . " I 'll get it ma , " Aarti said . " Hello ? ? " " Am I talking to Mrs . Aarti Gupta ? ? " " Yes " " Madam , I am calling from the Metro hospital . You husband , Mr . Rajat Gupta is seriously hurt . Please come immediately . " " WHATTT ? ? ! ! ! ? ? " Monday : 10 AMThe doorbell rang . " Babloo ! ! Go and get the door ! ! " the ACP yelled as he ate his morning breakfast . He was already dressed up to leave for office . " But . . but I didn 't do anything ! ! And moreover , you have no evidence against me ! ! So don 't even try and touch with your rotten hands ! ! And once I get to my office , you are gonna repent what you are doing ! ! " the ACP barked . " Ahh . . evidence . . " the inspector smiled , " the evidence so strong that you can forget about going to your ' office ' ever again ! You murdered the two guys with your service gun ! How naive can you be ? ? " " What ? ? My gun ? ? My gun is right here with me , you liar ! " the ACP opened his holster and took out his gun and showed it to the inspector . A wide smile broke out on the inspector 's face . " You think I am a fool , do you ? Every service gun has a registration ID carved into it on the base . I don 't see that here . And do you know why ? ? It 's because this is a fake . You gun was at the scene of the crime . And it has been registered in your name . . " Still in a state of shock , the ACP hardly resisted as thre men pushed him onto the chair and took off his shoes . The inspector took out a sheet of paper from a file ; a picture of the shoeprints from the crime scene , then looked at the ACP 's shoe . He smiled at showed it to the ACP . Babloo could only watch in disbelief as the ACP was handcuffed and shoved into the back of the police van . . Monday : 3 . 30 PMAarti was sitting outside the ICU . Her heart was pounding out of the love towards her husband , while her brain was still trying to gather and assess everything that the doctors and the police had poured out during the short time that she had talked to them . They said something about a double homicide , Satish 's flat , a gun . It was too much to take in all at once . Even greater than that was the desperation to see her husband healthy again . " Mrs . Gupta , I understand that the last couple of days have been very draining for you , " the doctor said , " but I need to clear a few things out with you regarding your husband . " " Well , you must understand that your husband was a target for murder . He has suffered a critical head injury and has lost a lot of blood . He bled for almost eight hours before he was brought to the hospital . We have stabilised his pulse at the moment and blood has been given to him . But we will have to put him under observation for 48 hours . We always need to take maximum precautions with head injuries . " " We can only tell after 2 days . But initial signs are all positive . We are quite optimistic about his recovery , " the doctor said with a reassuring smile . " But actually what follows is the more crucial part that I wanted to talk to you about . " " Well , we did a scan of Mr . Gupta 's head . The area around the temporal lobe is badly swollen . What amazes me is that the temporal lobe , which is actually at the back side of the head , is swollen but the injury to him has happened on the forehead . The skull has cracked a little on the forehead but the shock was not so large that it could affect the temporal lobe . Tuesday : 1 PMThe ACP sat in small jail room . For 3 days he had been crying out to the prison guards to let him out because he was innocent but no one listened . Now he had stopped , resigned to his fate . Senior officials had come to see him . He requested them to release him . Some of them agreed to try and bail him out . But even that would take at least a week . The prison guard opened his door . " You have a visitor , " he said . It was Babloo , his servant . " Saheb , this came for you today , " he said . It was an envelope . The ACP ripped it open and took out a letter from inside . He started reading . . How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine ? ? Is this jail life suiting you , you bastard ! ! Twenty years ago , you sold yourself to a couple of thugs and helped them kill an honest police officer . His blood is on your hands . And what you are suffering now is repayment for that sin . I know you have contacts . I know you will soon get yourself out . But every single second that you spend in this cell will remind you of the countless bodies you killed or stepped on to get yourself some money and fame . And this thought will eat you inside . Today I have completed my revenge . . That day the ACP did not speak to anyone . At night the other inmates heard loud cries . In the morning , the ACP was found hanging dead from the ceiling of his cell with his bed sheet . The next day , Rajat regained consciousness . He woke up with a start as if he had a bad dream . He tried to remember what the dream was . He was standing in the rain with someone . He gave the other guy some money and in return he had got a package . The other guy had asked him to be careful with the package . Half of the bottle would be enough to erase 6 months of memories , he had said . But Rajat was somehow sure that he had used the full bottle . . . . Rajat stared at the small hospital room . He wondered how he had got here . The doctors had come ; the police had come to ask him something ; some murders ; some guys named Beera and Bhairon , but he had no idea what they were talking about . His head started aching every time he tried to remember anything about which these people were asking questions . Once his room was empty he opened the newspaper . " ACP accused in double homicide commits suicide " , said the headline . Poor guy , Rajat thought and moved on to the next headline . As he had wanted , he had ended it for himself too . He was at peace with himself once again . . . It had been hard . . the past three months . . Rajat thought as he relived everything . He had taken a decision that would change his life but he was determined not to waver . A month after the life altering revelation he had started planning how to do it . He dug all the history that he could find on the two brothers and the ACP . The two brothers were the sons of a popular but now retired politician , who himself had had allegations of corruption over him . These two were now trying to inherit his popularity to further their own political ambitions . Many times over , he had the thought of just walking into the homes of all the three and shooting them in the head . But then he realised that he had a family too . He loved his wife and his daughter . What would they think ? He needed to plan . He needed to come up with a method in which he had a chance to live a normal life . . He needed to get all three of them at the same place to do it . It would be tough now that their allegiance to each other had been severed . But as he was planning all this , two major doubts had started to pollute his mind . . Did the ACP deserve death ? He had been a pawn , threatened by the political power of Bhairon and Beera , the two brothers . If he hadn 't obeyed them , he might have ended up the same way his father had . Rajat faced a conflict . On one side , he had deep anger for the ACP but on the other he understood the kind of pressure he might have been under . It was then that he had found a middle way , a way to make sure that he didn 't have the ACP 's blood on his hands . . But still , the other doubt was eating him inside . He had been brought up by his father to be an honest , hard working man who respected the rules , respected other human beings . He might be breathing after doing what he had decided to do , but will he actually be living a life ? Will he be able to face his wife , look into the innocent eyes of his daughter and his mother ? As this thought had struck him , he decided what he would have to do . . He will have to end it for himself too . He couldn 't live like this . He needed to be calm again . He needed to be serene again . . Rajat looked down at the bottle of injection that lay on the table . This was his ticket to ending it all . His family will hopefully understand . They will adapt with time . He took a refreshing bath that night and had a good night sleep . He was satisfied with the day 's work , but more needed to be done tomorrow . The next day , he woke up with a slight fever . It must have been because of the rain last night , Rajat thought , frustrated that he couldn 't be able to carry out the next phase of his plan . He stayed at home , going through each part of his plan again . The next step was crucial . In a way it was good that he postponed it for a couple of days . It would be better if he did it once he was healthy again . Two nights later , he came home at about 3 in the morning . The most crucial part of the plan had been done . He was ecstatic . What he had done today would make sure that he won 't be suspected for the murders . He opened the bag he was carrying and took out a flat wide plate . The plate was filled with clay . And in the middle of it was a large clear shoeprint . About ten kilometres away from where Rajat sat , in a calm and peaceful locality , the ACP woke up at six in the morning . It was just another day for him . But he didn 't notice that the balcony door that he usually locked every night was a little ajar today . He also didn 't notice that his shoes were a little muddier than usual . . . Rajat took out the gun from his pocket and kept it on the table . Looking at it , he recollected how much research he had done about it , how he had tried to get in touch with people who supply such things . It had been hard ; he was unfamiliar with such people and their behaviours . He had even been beaten up once . But he had been very particular about the type of gun he wanted . In the end the dealer had to relent . Next day he ordered a custom made shoes having the same footprint as the one on the clay . All the things he had purchased were done under different names , far away from the city . The shoes arrived three days later . That evening , he sat down at his study and wrote two letters . First , he wrote to the two brothers , his father 's killers , carefully using gloves to avoid fingerprints and pasting newspaper cuttings to make up his words . I know that you killed Vinay Gupta years ago , the car didn 't meet with an accident ; you pushed it over the bridge . I have evidence against you . If you don 't want me to go to the police , bring 50 lacs in cash tomorrow to 304 , Vilas Apartments near the clock tower on this coming Saturday at 10 pm . Give the money to my man there and you will live safely . . He completed the letter and prepared to get some rest . It was Friday evening . Tomorrow his life will be altered forever . Not just his life , the lives of his family members too . He prayed to God , thanking him for a lovely family , a content life and bracing himself for tomorrow , went to sleep . Saturday . . a normal day for perhaps everyone else , but for Rajat it wasn 't . Today was the day when three months of turbulence would come to an end , one way or the other . Either he would avenge his father 's death or he would die at the hands of his father 's killers . But he had steeled himself for the worst coz either way it wasn 't going to end well for him . As the time approached , his nervousness grew . He took his bag , put on his new shoes and went out for a walk . The streets were muddy from the rain the previous night . He walked for few minutes and reached Vilas Apartments . He decided to take the stairs and climbed up to house number 304 . As he slid the key into the lock , he silently apologized to his dear friend Satish . He had almost 5 hours to wait there before the brothers came . It was then that he realised that he had almost forgotten a key part of the plan . He quickly opened his bag and pulled out a pair of his old shoes . He then stuffed his new pair into the bag . Thanking God in his mind for reminding him , he locked the door and went downstairs . He went to the bridge on the river , the same bridge which had withnessed his father 's death . He filled the bag with some big stones and then flung it into the river . Evidence deleted . He went back to the house and resumed his wait . He never realized when he fell asleep . It was only when his wrist watch alarm went off at half past nine that he woke up with a start . Freaking out , he washed his face and got ready . He put on his gloves . He checked his gun once again , fitting a silencer on the mouth and loaded the syringe with the injection . He won 't have much time ; he had to do everything very quickly . At exactly ten o ' clock he heard footsteps . His mind was going numb . Adrenaline was rushing through each and every cell in his body . He was trying desperately to hold it all together . " Stay calm , " he said to himself , " it 'll all be over soon . " And then the doorbell rang . . . The rain was coming down really hard now . Trying to stay dry , Rajat pulled his jacket over his head . He was conscious of the packet that protruded from his left pocket . He had no other choice but to go out in the rain and buy it . The dealer was adamant about getting the payment today itself . Jumping over puddles , he made his way home . He reached his home a couple of minutes later . His wife and daughter were away on their visit to her parents . His mother was on her visit to his sister 's place . This being the time of vacations had meant that their trip would be a little longer than usual . He had specially chosen this time for his plan . No one back home would know what he was doing . He went in to his study and removed his jacket . Then from the left pocket , he took out a brown envelope . Getting drenched in the rain had been worthwhile . He had been able to get both the things that he had needed . He opened the envelope . His hand went in and with it came out a small bottle of injection . Out came then the syringe . He put his hand into the packet one last time . The thing that came out was the cause of this packet 's excessive weight . It was a gun . He had thought about this many times over in his mind . He had not told anyone about what he had in mind . Silently and discreetly , he had been working for the past two months on his new found mission ; avenging his father 's death . In retrospect , he never thought he would come this far . To be frank , he had started off with absolutely no confidence of his plan 's success . It was about three months ago when he had found out the truth . Till that time , he was a relatively satisfied upper middle class man , working in a reputed financial firm . He was an ideal husband to his wife and a great father to his daughter . He was an honest man , paying his taxes well before time , resisting giving or taking bribes , in many ways , the perfect gentleman . But three months ago , a visit to the Police headquarters gave his life a shocking jolt . He had been approached for a personal loan by a tricky customer . As per normal procedure , he had checked this customer 's background before deciding on the loan proposal . The customer turned out to be a suspicious fellow , with a shady background . Once he came to know this , he refused to oblige him . But the guy turned out to be a little more problematic than he first thought . He started getting threat messages . Fearing for himself and his family , he approached his boss . The next day he went to the Police headquarters . Not many people knew this , but this place was quite familiar to Rajat . He had come here a few times when he was very young . His father had been an honest and reputed IPS officer , before he died in a car crash 12 years ago . . . The peon ushered him into the waiting area . Soon , the ACP called him into his office . As he walked towards the office , he realized that his father used to sit in the same room that he was walking towards . He clearly remembered his younger days when he would play with the hawaldars standing outside the office while his father sat inside looking after his daily work . " Please come in Mr . Rajat " , ACP Sagar Sharma called Rajat in and offered him a seat . " Anant has told me about the problem that you are facing . There 's no need to worry . I 'll direct the station head of your area to round up this guy who is bothering you . " " Thank you so much , sir . You never know what such people might do to your family . Actually , my father . . " He could not complete his sentence though , as the door of the ACP 's office slammed open and two middle aged guys came in . Both of them were wearing traditional white khaki clothing , suggesting the fact that they might have been politicians . One of them wore a black pair of sunglasses while the other had a trimmed beard and a huge teeka on his forehead . " So , Sagar ji . . , " the bearded guy said in a husky tone , " It seems you have forgotten what all we have done for you . You suddenly have started avoiding us and our party workers . " The ACP had suddenly gone pale . " How the hell did you get into my office without permission ? Get out right now ! ! ! " " Don 't you raise your voice against us you prick ! " the other guy was speaking now . " You clearly know what our deal was . Our family has looked after you ever since you started this job , and now you turn you back on us ? ? " " Shut up and get out ! ! " the ACP yelled . " I have nothing to do with murderers like you . Be grateful that I am kind enough to ignore your crimes in return of the favour you did me when I was under suspension . But don 't expect any more favours from me . " " YOU BASTARD ! ! " the bearded guy had exploded with rage . He seemed to have forgotten that there was another guy in the room , watching all this , in a state of disbelief . " Our family supported you when you were out if money . Our father gave a worthless man like you a means of livelihood when you were suspended . We made sure that you got your job back and got steady promotions . We have killed people that came in the way of our political ambitions but don 't think that you had nothing to do with it . And don 't forget , the first person we killed was your boss , that Vinay Gupta , who had suspended you . You gave us his location on the day we pushed his car into the river . You bribed the forensics in to saying that the driver was drunk . So don 't sit there and think that you are innocent . If you don 't play along with us , we 'll make sure that you join us in jail , you worthless piece of shit ! ! " As the argument heated up further , what the quarreling parties did not notice was the expression on Rajat 's face . Rajat had gone numb . It was as if someone had landed a tight slap right across his face . These guys , these goons , rather , did not know what he had just realized . Shock was writ large on his face as he repeated the words to himself , " My father didn 't die in a car crash . . It was a cold blooded murder . . " Vinay Gupta was his father , an honest and righteous IPS officer who served the police with pride . It was quite a shock to not only his family , but also the entire police fraternity when he suddenly passed away in a car accident . The car he was travelling in that night had hit a truck and dropped into the Yamuna River . He was investigating a double murder case in a nearby village . The case was political in nature and involved quite influential people . Rajat still had the memories fresh in his mind . Once his father 's and the driver 's body had been taken out of the water , it was found in the autopsy that the driver was severely drunk when he was driving the car . Rajat had since accepted the fact that his father wasn 't there to protect him anymore , and had moved on . But it all had come rushing back today . These criminals had murdered his father and were now talking about it as if it was nothing ! How could someone be so cold blooded ? Did these people have no sense of humanity ? ? The shouting voice of the ACP brought him back to the room . " Get out of my office ! ! Get out right now ! ! Or I will kill you ! ! " The ACP had gone red with anger . He looked as if he would go into a fit anytime . Thankfully , two hawaldars came in hearing the voices and forced the two brothers out of his office . The ACP looked rattled . For a moment he even forgot that Rajat was standing in there this whole time . When he did realize this , he assured Rajat that he will look into his complaint and asked him to leave . Rajat didn 't tell him that they had been talking about his father , about murdering his father . He was walking but couldn 't feel his legs . He mind was a total blank . That day , he didn 't return to his office . He went back home . He wasn 't sure if would be able to work after hearing this news . His wife kept asking him why he seemed so quiet and disturbed , but he lied . He didn 't want to shock the whole family . The next day he went to work . His boss called him and asked him what happened with the ACP . He simply replied that the ACP had assured him personally about his safety . " I had told you , " he said , " The ACP is a great man . No normal man can grow so fast in an organisation if he doesn 't perform exceptionally well . " Rajat just smiled and went back . He decided to do a background check on the ACP . He had many of his father 's friends still working in the Police . Subsequently , he came to know that the ACP had started off as a sub inspector but quickly made his way up the ranks . He was famous for his contacts with the political class and he kept them happy by ignoring all the petty crimes that they committed . Rajat also found that he had been suspended by his father almost twenty years ago for accepting a bribe . Within a couple of days of the incident at the Police headquarters , Rajat was consumed with a new emotion . Anger . Rage filled every corner of his body . His father 's murderers were enjoying their life without a care for what it had been like for his family . There wasn 't anything that could be done to get justice . The case was almost two decades old . No lawyer would agree to fight for him . He didn 't have any evidence either . He was helpless . The pain of seeing his father 's murderers was killing him inside . That was it . That was the spark which had now turned in to a fire . A fire that was hell bent on destroying his father 's killers . They killed his father just because he was about to expose their misdeeds . Well , now it was time for payback . Yes . . he was going to kill them … ( to be continued . . ) I reached the bus stop at 8 o ' clock in the morning . The roads were empty except for a few joggers and morning walkers . Sudhir uncle had asked me to come by 10 but I couldn 't wait . I was desperate for help . Anjali was with Riya at the hospital and I had to get there soon , but after visiting Sudhir Uncle . He was my only hope . As I sat there waiting for the bus , a voice said behind me , " Hey , remember me ? " I turned around . It was Rohan . After so many years , it was a huge surprise , almost a shock to see him here standing in front of me . And then suddenly , I remembered the last time we had each other . It wasn 't a pleasant memory . I saw flashes of a fight . . and a broken nose . I saw him asking me to stop , asking why I was doing this . . I saw myself storming away . . I came back to the present . I was filled with guilt . I was ashamed of the memory . I found it difficult to look into his eyes . " Oh . . er . . hi Rohan ! " , I sheepishly replied , " Long time . . How are you ? " " I 'm good " , he replied . " What about you ? Navin had told me that you are working here in the same city , but I never expected to run into you . So how have you been ? " I was finding it very difficult to answer , and kept looking over his shoulder to see if the bus had come to save me . " Do you need to be somewhere ? " he asked , noticing my restlessness . " What ? . . er . . no , not really , just . . you know . . visiting a relative . . " , I said . " Listen . . If you have time , why don 't you come home with me ? I live nearby . Just for a little while , if it 's okay with you " , he offered . " Oh . . I don 't know , Rohan " , I said , once again searching for a bus . " Don 't worry " , he said , " I 'll drop you to your relative 's place . It 's been so long since we have met , Sandeep " . He kept asking me to come , and the bus was nowhere to be seen . So finally I relented , as there were almost 2 hours to go till 10 . We walked to his car and got in . " So , how have you been ? " Rohan asked , as he started driving . " I am fine . Just been busy with work , u know . . NicWe had reached Rohan 's home . As we entered , Rohan introduced me to his wife Priyanka . " Rohan has told me so much about you . You star in almost all of his best college experiences , " she said . Hearing that just increased my guilt even more . Rohan asked me to have some breakfast with him . The more I spent time there , the more ashamed I was of myself . It was getting too much for me , just like the way I felt when I had found out the truth . Rohan wasn 't an affair with Neha . It was he who had talked her into going on a date with me . That 's why she had come to me and apologized . He never told me this and I never even bothered to find out why Neha would so suddenly changed her mind about me . And that day in the classroom , Neha had called Rohan to thank him for convincing her to go out with me . She had called him to tell him that she had started to fall in love with me . Rohan did everything for me . . and in return I had broken his nose and left him bleeding on the floor . Neha told me all this the day I last spoke to her , when I met her 3 yrs later at a common friend 's wedding . She had come with her husband . That day after the fight , I never talked to Rohan or Neha . Neha left me , actually . I got into some bad company and never paid attention to studies . Rohan got into a big software firm , while I didn 't do well in my final exams and didn 't get a good job . We went our separate ways . Remembering all this in the house of the person I betrayed was too much for me . I broke down completely , right there at their breakfast table . I couldn 't bear it anymore . " I 'm so sorry , Rohan . . I 'm so sorry for what I did to you . . You were my best friend and I treated you like this . . I don 't deserve a friend like you . . I really don 't . . " " Sandeep , " Rohan said , teary - eyed himself , " That day when you hit me , it wasn 't my nose which hurt me , it was the fact that you never bothered to ask what was happening . I tried to tell you but you never listened . But then , Sandeep , even today you are the best friend that I have everPosted by So next time when your heart falters and loses hope And asks you , Is it me or is the world ? ? Shout out the answer , its ME ! ME ! ME ! And your joys will be unfurled . |
Someone must have been telling lies about Josef K . , he knew he had done nothing wrong but , one morning , he was arrested . Every day at eight in the morning he was brought his breakfast by Mrs . Grubach 's cook - Mrs . Grubach was his landlady - but today she didn 't come . That had never happened before . K . waited a little while , looked from his pillow at the old woman who lived opposite and who was watching him with an inquisitiveness quite unusual for her , and finally , both hungry and disconcerted , rang the bell . There was immediately a knock at the door and a man entered . He had never seen the man in this house before . He was slim but firmly built , his clothes were black and close - fitting , with many folds and pockets , buckles and buttons and a belt , all of which gave the impression of being very practical but without making it very clear what they were actually for . " Who are you ? " asked K . , sitting half upright in his bed . The man , however , ignored the question as if his arrival simply had to be accepted , and merely replied , " You rang ? " " Anna should have brought me my breakfast , " said K . He tried to work out who the man actually was , first in silence , just through observation and by thinking about it , but the man didn 't stay still to be looked at for very long . Instead he went over to the door , opened it slightly , and said to someone who was clearly standing immediately behind it , " He wants Anna to bring him his breakfast . " There was a little laughter in the neighbouring room , it was not clear from the sound of it whether there were several people laughing . The strange man could not have learned anything from it that he hadn 't known already , but now he said to K . , as if making his report " It is not possible . " " It would be the first time that 's happened , " said K . , as he jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on his trousers . " I want to see who that is in the next room , and why it is that Mrs . Grubach has let me be disturbed in this way . " It immediately occurred to him that he needn 't have said this out loud , and that he must to some extent have acknowledged their authority by doing so , but that didn 't seem important to him at the time . That , at least , is how the stranger took it , as he said , " Don 't you think you 'd better stay where you are ? " " I want neither to stay here nor to be spoken to by you until you 've introduced yourself . " " I meant it for your own good , " said the stranger and opened the door , this time without being asked . The next room , which K . entered more slowly than he had intended , looked at first glance exactly the same as it had the previous evening . It was Mrs . Grubach 's living room , over - filled with furniture , tablecloths , porcelain and photographs . Perhaps there was a little more space in there than usual today , but if so it was not immediately obvious , especially as the main difference was the presence of a man sitting by the open window with a book from which he now looked up . " You should have stayed in your room ! Didn 't Franz tell you ? " " And what is it you want , then ? " said K . , looking back and forth between this new acquaintance and the one named Franz , who had remained in the doorway . Through the open window he noticed the old woman again , who had come close to the window opposite so that she could continue to see everything . She was showing an inquisitiveness that really made it seem like she was going senile . " I want to see Mrs . Grubach … , " said K . , making a movement as if tearing himself away from the two men - even though they were standing well away from him - and wanted to go . " No , " said the man at the window , who threw his book down on a coffee table and stood up . " You can 't go away when you 're under arrest . " " That 's how it seems , " said K . " And why am I under arrest ? " he then asked . " That 's something we 're not allowed to tell you . Go into your room and wait there . Proceedings are underway and you 'll learn about everything all in good time . It 's not really part of my job to be friendly towards you like this , but I hope no - one , apart from Franz , will hear about it , and he 's been more friendly towards you than he should have been , under the rulWhat sort of people were these ? What were they talking about ? What office did they belong to ? K . was living in a free country , after all , everywhere was at peace , all laws were decent and were upheld , who was it who dared accost him in his own home ? He was always inclined to take life as lightly as he could , to cross bridges when he came to them , pay no heed for the future , even when everything seemed under threat . But here that did not seem the right thing to do . He could have taken it all as a joke , a big joke set up by his colleagues at the bank for some unknown reason , or also perhaps because today was his thirtieth birthday , it was all possible of course , maybe all he had to do was laugh in the policemen 's face in some way and they would laugh with him , maybe they were tradesmen from the corner of the street , they looked like they might be - but he was nonetheless determined , ever since he first caught sight of the one called Franz , not to lose any slight advantage he might have had over these people . There was a very slight risk that people would later say he couldn 't understand a joke , but - although he wasn 't normally in the habit of learning from experience - he might also have had a few unimportant occasions in mind when , unlike his more cautious friends , he had acted with no thought at all for what might follow and had been made to suffer for it . He didn 't want that to happen again , not this time at least ; if they were play - acting he would act along with them . He still had time . " Allow me , " he said , and hurried between the two policemen through into his room . " He seems sensible enough , " he heard them say behind him . Once in his room , he quickly pulled open the drawer of his writing desk , everything in it was very tidy but in his agitation he was unable to find the identification documents he was looking for straight away . He finally found his bicycle permit and was about to go back to the policemen with it when it seemed to him too petty , so he carried on searching until he found his birth certificate . Just as he got back in the adjoining room the door on the other side opened and Mrs . Grubach was about to enter . He only saw her for an instant , for as soon as she recognised K . she was clearly embarrassed , asked for forgiveness and disappeared , closing the door behind her very carefully . " Do come in , " K . could have said just then . But now he stood in the middle of the room with his papers in his hand and still looking at the door which did not open again . He stayed like that until he was startled out of it by the shout of the policeman who sat at the little table at the open window and , as K . now saw , was eating his breakfast . " Why didn 't she come in ? " he asked . " She 's not allowed to , " said the big policeman . " You 're under arrest , aren 't you . " " But how can I be under arrest ? And how come it 's like this ? " " Now you 're starting again , " said the policeman , dipping a piece of buttered bread in the honeypot . " We don 't answer questions like that . " " You will have to answer them , " said K . " Here are my identification papers , now show me yours and I certainly want to see the arrest warrant . " " Oh , my God ! " said the policeman . " In a position like yours , and you think you can start giving orders , do you ? It won 't do you any good to get us on the wrong side , even if you think it will - we 're probably more on your side that anyone else you know ! " " That 's true , you know , you 'd better believe it , " said Franz , holding a cup of coffee in his hand which he did not lift to his mouth but looked at K . in a way that was probably meant to be full of meaning but could not actually be understood . K . found himself , without intending it , in a mute dialogue with Franz , but then slapped his hand down on his papers and said , " Here are my identity documents . " " And what do you want us to do about it ? " replied the big policeman , loudly . " The way you 're carrying on , it 's worse than a child . What is it you want ? Do you want to get this great , bloody trial of yours over with quickly by talking about ID and arrest warrants with us ? We 're just coppers , that 's all we are . Junior officers like us hardly know one end of an ID card from another , all we 've got to do with you is keep an eye on you for ten hours a day and get paid for it . That 's all we are . Mind you , what we can do is make sure that the high officials we work for find out just what sort of person it is they 're going to arrest , and why he should be arrested , before they issue the warrant . There 's no mistake there . Our authorities as far as I know , and I only know the lowest grades , don 't go out looking for guilt among the public ; it 's the guilt that draws them out , like it says in the law , and they have to send us police officers out . That 's the law . Where d ' you think there 'd be any mistake there ? " " I don 't know this law , " said K . " So much the worse for you , then , " said the policeman . " It 's probably exists only in your heads , " said K . , he wanted , in some way , to insinuate his way into the thoughts of the policemen , to re - shape those thoughts to his benefit or to make himself at home there . But the policeman just said dismissively , " You 'll find out when it affects you . " Franz joined in , and said , " Look atThey 're talking about things of which they don 't have the slightest understanding , anyway . It 's only because of their stupidity that they 're able to be so sure of themselves . I just need few words with someone of the same social standing as myself and everything will be incomparably clearer , much clearer than a long conversation with these two can make it . He walked up and down the free space in the room a couple of times , across the street he could see the old woman who , now , had pulled an old man , much older than herself , up to the window and had her arms around him . K . had to put an end to this display , " Take me to your superior , " he said . " As soon as he wants to see you . Not before , " said the policeman , the one called Willem . " And now my advice to you , " he added , " is to go into your room , stay calm , and wait and see what 's to be done with you . If you take our advice , you won 't tire yourself out thinking about things to no purpose , you need to pull yourself together as there 's a lot that 's going to required of you . You 've not behaved towards us the way we deserve after being so good to you , you forget that we , whatever we are , we 're still free men and you 're not , and that 's quite an advantage . But in spite of all that we 're still willing , if you 've got the money , to go and get you some breakfast from the café over the road . " Without giving any answer to this offer , K . stood still for some time . Perhaps , if he opened the door of the next room or even the front door , the two of them would not dare to stand in his way , perhaps that would be the simplest way to settle the whole thing , by bringing it to a head . But maybe they would grab him , and if he were thrown down on the ground he would lose all the advantage he , in a certain respect , had over them . So he decided on the more certain solution , the way things would go in the natural course of events , and went back in his room without another word either from him or from the policemen . He threw himself down on his bed , and from the dressing table he took the nice apple that he had put there the previous evening for his breakfast . Now it was all the breakfast he had and anyway , as he confirmed as soon as he took his first , big bite of it , it was far better than a breakfast he could have had through the good will of the policemen from the dirty café . He felt well and confident , he had failed to go into work at the bank this morning but that could easily be excused because of the relatively high position he held there . Should he really send in his explanation ? He wondered about it . If nobody believed him , and in this case that would be understandable , he could bring Mrs . Grubach in as a witness , or even the old pair from across the street , who probably even now were on their way over to the window opposite . It puzzled K . , at least it puzzled him looking at it from the policemen 's point of view , that they had made him go into the room and left him alone there , where he had ten different ways of killing himself . At the same time , though , he asked himself , this time looking at it from his own point of view , what reason he could have to do so . Because those two were sitting there in the next room and had taken his breakfast , perhaps ? It would have been so pointless to kill himself that , even if he had wanted to , the pointlessness would have made him unable . Maybe , if the policemen had not been so obviously limited in their mental abilities , it could have been supposed that they had come to the same conclusion and saw no danger in leaving him alone because of it . They could watch now , if they wanted , and see how he went over to the cupboard in the wall where he kept a bottle of good schnapps , how he first emptied a glass of it in place of his breakfast and how he then took a second glassful in order to give himself courage , the last one just as a precaution for the unlikely chance it would be needed . Then he was so startled by a shout to him from the other room that he struck his teeth against the glass . " The supervisor wants to see you ! " a voice said . It was only the shout that startled him , this curt , abrupt , military shout , that he would not have expected from the policeman called Franz . In itself , he found the order very welcome . " At last ! " he called back , locked the cupboard and , without delay , hurried into the next room . The two policemen were standing there and chased him back into his bedroom as if that were a matter of course . " What d ' you think you 're doing ? " they cried . " Think you 're going to see the supervisor dressed in just your shirt , do you ? He 'd see to it you got a right thumping , and us and all ! " " Let go of me for God 's sake ! " called K . , who had already been pushed back as far as his wardrobe , " if you accost me when I 'm still in bed you can 't expect to find me in my evening dress . " " That won 't help you , " said the policemen , who always became very quiet , almost sad , when K . began to shout , and in that way confused him or , to some extent , brought him to his senses . " Ridiculous formalities ! " he grumbled , as he lifted his coat from the chair and kept it in both his hands for a little while , as if holding it out for the policemen 's inspection . They shook their heads . " It 's got to be a black coat , " they said . At that , K . threw the coat to the floor and said - without knowing even himself what he meant by it - " Well it 's not going to be the main trial , after all . " The policemen laughed , but continued to insist , " It 's got to be a black coat . " " Well that 's alright by me if it makes things go any faster , " said K . He opened the wardrobe himself , spent a long time searching through all the clothes , and chose his best black suit which had a short jacket that had greatly surprised those who knew him , then he also pulled out a fresh shirt and began , carefully , to get dressed . He secretly told himself that he had succeeded in speeding things up by letting the policemen forget to make him have a bath . He watched them to see if they might remember after all , but of course it never occurred to them , although Willem did not forget to send Franz up to the supervisor with the message saying that K . was getting dressed . Once he was properly dressed , K . had to pass by Willem as he went through the next room into the one beyond , the door of which was already wide open . K . knew very well that this room had recently been let to a typist called ' Miss Bürstner ' . She was in the habit of going out to work very early and coming back home very late , and K . had never exchanged more than a few words of greeting with her . Now , her bedside table had been pulled into the middle of the room to be used as a desk for these proceedings , and the supervisor sat behind it . He had his legs crossed , and had thrown one arm over the backrest of the chair . In one corner of the room there were three young people looking at the photographs belonging to Miss Bürstner that had been put into a piece of fabric on the wall . Hung up on the handle of the open window was a white blouse . At the window across the street , there was the old pair again , although now their number had increased , as behind them , and far taller than they were , stood a man with an open shirt that showed his chest and a reddish goatee beard which he squeezed and twisted with his fingers . " Josef K . ? " asked the supervisor , perhaps merely to attract K . 's attention as he looked round the room . K . nodded . " I daresay you were quite surprised by all that 's been taking place this morning , " said the supervisor as , with both hands , he pushed away the few items on the bedside table - the candle and box of matches , a book and a pin cushion which lay there as if they were things he would need for his own business . " Certainly , " said K . , and he began to feel relaxed now that , at last , he stood in front of someone with some sense , someone with whom he would be able to talk about his situation . " Certainly I 'm surprised , but I 'm not in any way very surprised . " " You 're not very surprised ? " asked the supervisor , as he positioned the candle in the middle of the table and the other things in a group around it . " Perhaps you don 't quite understand me , " K . hurriedly pointed out . " What I mean is … " here K . broke off what he was saying and looked round for somewhere to sit . " I may sit down , mayn 't I ? " he asked . " That 's not usual , " the supervisor answered . " What I mean is … , " said K . without delaying a second time , " that , yes , I am very surprised but when you 've been in the world for thirty years already and had to make your own way through everything yourself , which has been my lot , then you become hardened to surprises and don 't take them too hard . Especially not what 's happened today . " " Why especially not what 's happened today ? " " I wouldn 't want to say that I see all of this as a joke , you seem to have gone to too much trouble making all these arrangements for that . Everyone in the house must be taking part in it as well as all of you , that would be going beyond what could be a joke . So I don 't want to say that this is a joke . " " Quite right , " said the supervisor , looking to see how many matches were left in the box . " But on the other hand , " K . went on , looking round at everyone there and even wishing he could get the attention of the three who were looking at the photographs , " on the other hand this really can 't be all that important . That follows from the fact that I 've been indicted , but can 't think of the slightest offence for which I could be indicted . But even that is all beside the point , the main question is : Who is issuing the indictment ? What office is conducting this affair ? Are you officials ? None of you is wearing a uniform , unless what you are wearing " - here he turned towards Franz - " is meant to be a uniform , it 's actually more of a travelling suit . I require a clear answer to all these questions , and I 'm quite sure that once things have been made clear we can take our leave of each other on the best of terms . " The supervisor slammed the box of matches down on the table . " You 're making a big mistake , " he said . " These gentlemen and I have got nothing to do with your business , in fact we know almost nothing about you . We could be wearing uniforms as proper and exact as you like and your situation wouldn 't be any the worse for it . As to whether you 're on a charge , I can 't give you any sort of clear answer to that , I don 't even know whether you are or not . You 're under arrest , you 're quite right about that , but I don 't know any more than that . Maybe these officers have been chit - chatting with you , well if they have that 's all it is , chit - chat . I can 't give you an answer to your questions , but I can give you a bit of advice : You 'd better think less about us and K . stared at the supervisor . Was this man , probably younger than he was , lecturing him like a schoolmaster ? Was he being punished for his honesty with a telling off ? And was he to learn nothing about the reasons for his arrest or those who were arresting him ? He became somewhat cross and began to walk up and down . No - one stopped him doing this and he pushed his sleeves back , felt his chest , straightened his hair , went over to the three men , said , " It makes no sense , " at which these three turned round to face him and came towards him with serious expressions . He finally came again to a halt in front of the supervisor 's desk . " State Attorney Hasterer is a good friend of mine , " he said , " can I telephone him ? " " Certainly , " said the supervisor , " but I don 't know what the point of that will be , I suppose you must have some private matter you want to discuss with him . " " What the point is ? " shouted K . , more disconcerted that cross . " Who do you think you are ? You want to see some point in it while you 're carrying out something as pointless as it could be ? It 's enough to make you cry ! These gentlemen first accost me , and now they sit or stand about in here and let me be hauled up in front of you . What point there would be , in telephoning a state attorney when I 'm ostensibly under arrest ? Very well , I won 't make the telephone call . " " You can call him if you want to , " said the supervisor , stretching his hand out towards the outer room where the telephone was , " please , go on , do make your phone call . " " No , I don 't want to any more , " said K . , and went over to the window . Across the street , the people were still there at the window , and it was only now that K . had gone up to his window that they seemed to become uneasy about quietly watching what was going on . The old couple wanted to get up but the man behind them calmed them down . " We 've got some kind of audience over there , " called K . to the supervisor , quite loudly , as he pointed out with his forefinger . " Go away , " he then called across to them . And the three of them did immediately retreat a few steps , the old pair even found themselves behind the man who then concealed them with the breadth of his body and seemed , going by the movements of his mouth , to be saying something incomprehensible into the distance . They did not disappear entirely , though , but seemed to be waiting for the moment when they could come back to the window without being noticed . " Intrusive , thoughtless people ! " said K . as he turned back into the room . The supervisor may have agreed with him , at least K . thought that was what he saw from the corner of his eye . But it was just as possible that he had not even been listening as he had his hand pressed firmly down on the table and seemed to be comparing the length of his fingers . The two policemen were sitting on a chest covered with a coloured blanket , rubbing their knees . The three young people had put their hands on their hips and were looking round aimlessly . Everything was still , like in some office that has been forgotten about . " Now , gentlemen , " called out K . , and for a moment it seemed as if he was carrying all of them on his shoulders , " it looks like your business with me is over with . In my opinion , it 's best now to stop wondering about whether you 're proceeding correctly or incorrectly , and to bring the matter to a peaceful close with a mutual handshake . If you are of the same opinion , then please … " and he walked up to the supervisor 's desk and held out his hand to him . The supervisor raised his eyes , bit his lip and looked at K . 's outstretched hand ; K still believed the supervisor would do as he suggested . But instead , he stood up , picked up a hard round hat that was laying on Miss Bürstner 's bed and put it carefully onto his head , using both hands as if trying on a new hat . " Everything seems so simple to you , doesn 't it , " he said to K . as he did so , " so you think we should bring the matter to a peaceful close , do you . No , no , that won 't do . Mind you , on the other hand I certainly wouldn 't want you to think there 's no hope for you . No , why should you think that ? You 're simply under arrest , nothing more than that . That 's what I had to tell you , that 's what I 've done and now I 've seen how you 've taken it . That 's enough for one day and we can take our leave of each other , for the time being at least . I expect you 'll want to go in to the bank now , won 't you . " " In to the bank ? " asked K . , " I thought I was under arrest . " K . said this with a certain amount of defiance as , although his handshake had not been accepted , he was feeling more independent of all these people , especially since the supervisor had stood up . He was playing with them . If they left , he had decided he would run after them and offer to let them arrest him . That 's why he even repeated , " How can I go in to the bank when I 'm under arrest ? " " I see you 've misunderstood me , " said the supervisor who was already at the door . " It 's true that you 're under arrest , but that shouldn 't stop you from carrying out your job . And there shouldn 't be anything to stop you carrying on with your usual life . " " In that case it 's not too bad , being under arrest , " said K . , and went up close to the supervisor . " I never meant it should be anything else , " he replied . " It hardly seems to have been necessary to notify me of the arrest in that case , " said K . , and went even closer . The others had also come closer . All of them had gathered together into a narrow space by the door . " That was my duty , " said the supervisor . " A silly duty , " said K . , unyielding . " Maybe so , " replied the supervisor , " only don 't let 's waste our time talking on like this . I had assumed you 'd be wanting to go to the bank . As you 're paying close attention to every word I 'll add this : I 'm not forcing you to go to the bank , I 'd just assumed you wanted to . And to make things easier for you , and to let you get to the bank with as little fuss as possible I 've put these three gentlemen , colleagues of yours , at your disposal . " " What 's that ? " exclaimed K . , and looked at the three in astonishment . He could only remember seeing them in their group by the photographs , but these characterless , anaemic young people were indeed officials from his bank , not colleagues of his , that was putting it too high and it showed a gap in the omniscience of the supervisor , but they were nonetheless junior members of staff at the bank . How could K . have failed to see that ? How occupied he must have been with the supervisor and the policemen not to have recognised these three ! Rabensteiner , with his stiff demeanour and swinging hands , Kullich , with his blonde hair and deep - set eyes , and Kaminer , with his involuntary grin caused by chronic muscle spasms . " Good morning , " said K . after a while , extending his hand to the gentlemen as they bowed correctly to him . " I didn 't recognise you at all . So , we 'll go into work now , shall we ? " The gentlemen laughed and nodded enthusiastically , as if that was what they had been waiting for all the time , except that K . had left his hat in his room so they all dashed , one after another , into the room to fetch it , which caused a certain amount of embarrassment . K . stood where he was and watched them through the open double doorway , the last to go , of course , was the apathetic Rabensteiner who had broken into no more than an elegant trot . Kaminer got to the hat and K . , as he often had to do at the banAt that moment Mrs . Grubach opened the door from the hallway into the living room where all the people were . She did not seem to feel guilty about anything at all , and K . , as often before , looked down at the belt of her apron which , for no reason , cut so deeply into her hefty body . Once downstairs , K . , with his watch in his hand , decided to take a taxi - he had already been delayed by half an hour and there was no need to make the delay any longer . Kaminer ran to the corner to summon it , and the two others were making obvious efforts to keep K . diverted when Kullich pointed to the doorway of the house on the other side of the street where the large man with the blonde goatee beard appeared and , a little embarrassed at first at letting himself be seen in his full height , stepped back to the wall and leant against it . The old couple were probably still on the stairs . K . was cross with Kullich for pointing out this man whom he had already seen himself , in fact whom he had been expecting . " Don 't look at him ! " he snapped , without noticing how odd it was to speak to free men in this way . But there was no explanation needed anyway as just then the taxi arrived , they sat inside and set off . Inside the taxi , K . remembered that he had not noticed the supervisor and the policemen leaving - the supervisor had stopped him noticing the three bank staff and now the three bank staff had stopped him noticing the supervisor . This showed that K . was not very attentive , and he resolved to watch himself more carefully in this respect . Nonetheless , he gave it no thought as he twisted himself round and leant over onto the rear shelf of the car to catch sight of the supervisor and the policemen if he could . But he turned back round straight away and leant comfortably into the corner of the taxi without even having made the effort to see anyone . Although it did not seem like it , now was just the time when he needed some encouragement , but the gentlemen seemed tired just then , Rabensteiner looked out of the car to the right , Kullich to the left and only Kaminer was there with his grin at K . 's service . It would have been inhumane to make fun of that . That spring , whenever possible , K . usually spent his evenings after work - he usually stayed in the office until nine o ' clock - with a short walk , either by himself or in the company of some of the bank officials , and then he would go into a pub where he would sit at the regulars ' table with mostly older men until eleven . There were , however , also exceptions to this habit , times , for instance , when K . was invited by the bank 's manager ( whom he greatly respected for his industry and trustworthiness ) to go with him for a ride in his car or to eat dinner with him at his large house . K . would also go , once a week , to see a girl called Elsa who worked as a waitress in a wine bar through the night until late in the morning . During the daytime she only received visitors while still in bed . That evening , though , - the day had passed quickly with a lot of hard work and many respectful and friendly birthday greetings - K . wanted to go straight home . Each time he had any small break from the day 's work he considered , without knowing exactly what he had in mind , that Mrs . Grubach 's flat seemed to have been put into great disarray by the events of that morning , and that it was up to him to put it back into order . Once order had been restored , every trace of those events would have been erased and everything would take its previous course once more . In particular , there was nothing to fear from the three bank officials , they had immersed themselves back into their paperwork and there was no alteration to be seen in them . K . had called each of them , separately or all together , into his office that day for no other reason than to observe them ; he was always satisfied and had always been able to let them go again . At half past nine that evening , when he arrived back in front of the building where he lived , he met a young lad in the doorway who was standing there , his legs apart and smoking a pipe . " Who are you ? " immediately asked K . , bringing his face close to the lad 's , as it was hard to see in the half light of the landing . " I 'm the landlord 's son , sir , " answered the lad , taking the pipe from his mouth and stepping to one side . " The landlord 's son ? " asked K . , and impatiently knocked on the ground with his stick . " Did you want anything , sir ? Would you like me to fetch my father ? " " No , no , " said K . , there was something forgiving in his voice , as if the boy had harmed him in some way and he was excusing him . " It 's alright , " he said then , and went on , but before going up the stairs he turned round once more . He could have gone directly to his room , but as he wanted to speak with Mrs . Grubach he went straight to her door and knocked . She was sat at the table with a knitted stocking and a pile of old stockings in front of her . K . apologised , a little embarrassed at coming so late , but Mrs . Grubach was very friendly and did not want to hear any apology , she was always ready to speak to him , he knew very well that he was her best and her favourite tenant . K . looked round the room , it looked exactly as it usually did , the breakfast dishes , which had been on the table by the window that morning , had already been cleared away . " A woman 's hands will do many things when no - one 's looking , " he thought , he might himself have smashed all the dishes on the spot but certainly would not have been able to carry it all out . He looked at Mrs . Grubach with some gratitude . " Why are you working so late ? " he asked . They were now both sitting at the table , and K . now and then sank his hands into the pile of stockings . " There 's a lot of work to do , " she said , " during the day I belong to the tenants ; if I 'm to sort out my own things there are only the evenings left to me . " " I fear I may have caused you some exceptional work today . " " How do you mean , Mr . K . ? " she asked , becoming more interested and leaving her work in her lap . " I mean the men who were here this morning . " " Oh , I see , " she said , and went peacefully back to what she was doing , " that was no trouble , not especially . " K . looked on in silence as she took up the knitted stocking once more . She seems surprised at my mentioning it , he thought , she seems to think it 's improper for me to mention it . All the more important for me to do so . An old woman is the only person I can speak about it with . " But it must have caused some work for you , " he said then , " but it won 't happen again . " " No , it can 't happen again , " she agreed , and smiled at K . in a way that was almost pained . " Do you mean that seriously ? " asked K . " Yes , " she said , more gently , " but the important thing is you mustn 't take it too hard . There are so many awful things happening in the world ! As you 're being so honest with me , Mr . K . , I can admit to you that I listened to a little of what was going on from behind the door , and that those two policemen told me one or two things as well . It 's all to do with your happiness , and that 's something that 's quite close to my heart , perhaps more than it should be as I am , after all , only your landlady . Anyway , so I heard one or two things but I can 't really say that it 's about anything very serious . No . You have been arrested , but it 's not in the same way as when they arrest a thief . If you 're arrested in the same way as a thief , then it 's bad , but an arrest like this … . It seems to me that it 's something very complicated - forgive me if I 'm saying something stupid - something very complicated that I don 't understand , but something that you don 't really need to understand anyway . " " There 's nothing stupid about what you 've said , Mrs . Grubach , or at least I partly agree with you , only , the way I judge the whole thing is harsher than yours , and think it 's not only not something complicated but simply a fuss about nothing . I was just caught unawares , that 's what happened . If I had got up as soon as I was awake without letting myself get confused because Anna wasn 't there , if I 'd got up and paid no regard to anyone who might have been in my way and come straight to you , if I 'd done something like having my breakfast in the kitchen as an exception , asked you to bring my clothes from my room , in short , if I had behaved sensibly then nothing more would have happened , everything that was waiting to happen would have been stifled . People are so often unprepared . In the bank , for example , I am well prepared , nothing of this sort could possibly happen to me there , I have my own assistant there , there are telephones for internal and external calls in front of me on the desk , I continually receive visits from people , representatives , officials , but besides that , and most importantly , I 'm always occupied with my work , that 's to say I 'm always alert , it would even be a pleasure for me to find myself faced with something of that sort . But now it 's over with , and I didn 't really even want to talk about it any more , only I wanted to hear what you , as a sensible woman , thought about it all , and I 'm very glad to hear that we 're in agreement . But now you must give me your hand , an agreement of this sort needs to be confirmed with a handshake . " Will she shake hands with me ? The supervisor didn 't shake hands , he thought , and looked at the woman differently from before , examining her . She stood up , as he had also stood up , and was a little self - conscious , she hadn 't been able to understand everything that K . said . As a result of this self consciousness she said something that she certainly did not intend and certainly was not appropriate . " Don 't take it so hard , Mr . K . , " she said , with tears in her voice and also , of course , forgetting the handshake . " I didn 't know I was taking it hard , " said K . , feeling suddenly tired and seeing that if this woman did agree with him it was of very little value . Before going out the door he asked , " Is Miss Bürstner home ? " " No , " said Mrs . Grubach , smiling as she gave this simple piece of information , saying something sensible at last . " She 's at the theatre . Did you want to see her ? Should I give her a message ? " " I , er , I just wanted to have a few words with her . " " I 'm afraid I don 't know when she 's coming in ; she usually gets back late when she 's been to the theatre . " " It really doesn 't matter , " said K . his head hanging as he turned to the door to leave , " I just wanted to give her my apology for taking over her room today . " " There 's no need for that , Mr . K . , you 're too conscientious , the young lady doesn 't know anything about it , she hasn 't been home since early this morning and everything 's been tidied up again , you can see for yourself . " And she opened the door to Miss Bürstner 's room . " Thank you , I 'll take your word for it , " said K , but went nonetheless over to the open door . The moon shone quietly into the unlit room . As far as could be seen , everything was indeed in its place , not even the blouse was hanging on the window handle . The pillows on the bed looked remarkably plump as they lay half in the moonlight . " Miss Bürstner often comes home late , " said K . , looking at Mrs . Grubach as if that were her responsibility . " That 's how young people are ! " said Mrs . Grubach to excuse herself . " Of course , of course , " said K . , " but it can be taken too far . " " Yes , it can be , " said Mrs . Grubach , " you 're so right , Mr . K . Perhaps it is in this case . I certainly wouldn 't want to say anything nasty about Miss Bürstner , she is a good , sweet girl , friendly , tidy , punctual , works hard , I appreciate all that very much , but one thing is true , she ought to have more pride , be a bit less forthcoming . Twice this month already , in the street over the way , I 've seen her with a different gentleman . I really don 't like saying this , you 're the only one I 've said this to , Mr . K . , I swear to God , but I 'm going to have no choice but to have a few words with Miss Bürstner about it myself . And it 's not the only thing about her that I 'm worried about . " " Mrs . Grubach , you are on quite the wrong track , " said K . , so angry that he was hardly able to hide it , " and you have moreover misunderstood what I was saying about Miss Bürstner , that is not what I meant . In fact I warn you quite directly not to say anything to her , you are quite mistaken , I know Miss Bürstner very well and there is no truth at all in what you say . And what 's more , perhaps I 'm going to far , I don 't want to get in your way , say to her whatever you see fit . Good night . " " Mr . K . , " said Mrs . Grubach as if asking him for something and hurrying to his door which he had already opened , " I don 't want to speak to Miss Bürstner at all , not yet , of course I 'll continue to keep an eye on her but you 're the only one I 've told what I know . And it is , after all something that everyone who leHe did not feel at all like going to bed , so he decided to stay up , and this would also give him the chance to find out when Miss Bürstner would arrive home . Perhaps it would also still be possible , even if a little inappropriate , to have a few words with her . As he lay there by the window , pressing his hands to his tired eyes , he even thought for a moment that he might punish Mrs . Grubach by persuading Miss Bürstner to give in her notice at the same time as he would . But he immediately realised that that would be shockingly excessive , and there would even be the suspicion that he was moving house because of the incidents of that morning . Nothing would have been more nonsensical and , above all , more pointless and contemptible . When he had become tired of looking out onto the empty street he slightly opened the door to the living room so that he could see anyone who entered the flat from where he was and lay down on the couch . He lay there , quietly smoking a cigar , until about eleven o ' clock . He wasn 't able to hold out longer than that , and went a little way into the hallway as if in that way he could make Miss Bürstner arrive sooner . He had no particular desire for her , he could not even remember what she looked like , but now he wanted to speak to her and it irritated him that her late arrival home meant this day would be full of unease and disorder right to its very end . It was also her fault that he had not had any dinner that evening and that he had been unable to visit Elsa as he had intended . He could still make up for both of those things , though , if he went to the wine bar where Elsa worked . He wanted to do so even later , after the discussion with Miss Bürstner . It was already gone half past eleven when someone could be heard in the stairway . K . , who had been lost in his thoughts in the hallway , walking up and down loudly as if it were his own room , fled behind his door . Miss Bürstner had arrived . Shivering , she pulled a silk shawl over her slender shoulders as she locked the door . The next moment she would certainly go into her room , where K . ought not to intrude in the middle of the night ; that meant he would have to speak to her now , but , unfortunately , he had not put the electric light on in his room so that when he stepped out of the dark it would give the impression of being an attack and would certainly , at the very least , have been quite alarming . There was no time to lose , and in his helplessness he whispered through the crack of the door , " Miss Bürstner . " It sounded like he was pleading with her , not calling to her . " Is there someone there ? " asked Miss Bürstner , looking round with her eyes wide open . " It 's me , " said K . and came out . " Oh , Mr . K . ! " said Miss Bürstner with a smile . " Good Evening , " and offered him her hand . " I wanted to have a word with you , if you would allow me ? " " Now ? " asked Miss Bürstner , " does it have to be now ? It is a little odd , isn 't it ? " " I 've been waiting for you since nine o ' clock . " " Well , I was at the theatre , I didn 't know anything about you waiting for me . " " The reason I need to speak to you only came up today " " I see , well I don 't see why not , I suppose , apart from being so tired I could drop . Come into my room for a few minutes then . We certainly can 't talk out here , we 'd wake everyone up and I think that would be more unpleasant for us than for them . Wait here till I 've put the light on in my room , and then turn the light down out here . " K . did as he was told , and then even waited until Miss Bürstner came out of her room and quietly invited him , once more , to come in . " Sit down , " she said , indicating the ottoman , while she herself remained standing by the There was a series of loud , curt and regular knocks at the door of the adjoining room . Miss Bürstner went pale and laid her hand on her heart . K . was especially startled , as for a moment he had been quite unable to think of anything other than the events of that morning and the girl for whom he was performing them . He had hardly pulled himself together when he jumped over to Miss Bürstner and took her hand . " Don 't be afraid , " he whispered , " I 'll put everything right . But who can it be ? It 's only the living room next door , nobody sleeps in there . " " Yes they do , " whispered Miss Bürstner into K . 's ear , " a nephew of Mrs . Grubach 's , an captain in the army , has been sleeping there since yesterday . There 's no other room free . I 'd forgotten about it too . Why did you have to shout like that ? You 've made me quite upset . " " There is no reason for it , " said K . , and , now as she sank back onto the cushion , kissed her forehead . " Go away , go away , " she said , hurriedly sitting back up , " get out of here , go , what is it you want , he 's listening at the door he can hear everything . You 're causing me so much trouble ! " " I won 't go , " said K . , " until you 've calmed down a bit . Come over into the other corner of the room , he won 't be able to hear us there . " She let him lead her there . " Don 't forget , " he said , " although this might be unpleasant for you you 're not in any real danger . You know how much esteem Mrs . Grubach has for me , she 's the one who will make all the decisions in this , especially as the captain is her nephew , but she believes everything I say without question . What 's more , she has borrowed a large sum of money from me and that makes her dependent on me . I will confirm whatever you say to explain our being here together , however inappropriate it might be , and I guarantee to make sure that Mrs . Grubach will not only say she believes the explanation in public but will believe it truly and sincerely . You will have no need to consider me in any way . IfShe pulled her hand away and answered , " No , no , I 'm never cross with anyone . " He grasped her wrist once more , she tolerated it now and , in that way , lead him to the door . He had fully intended to leave . But when he reached the door he came to a halt as if he hadn 't expected to find a door there , Miss Bürstner made use of that moment to get herself free , open the door , slip out into the hallway and gently say to K . from there , " Now , come along , please . Look , " she pointed to the captain 's door , from under which there was a light shining , " he 's put a light on and he 's laughing at us . " " Alright , I 'm coming , " said K . , moved forward , took hold of her , kissed her on the mouth and then over her whole face like a thirsty animal lapping with its tongue when it eventually finds water . He finally kissed her on her neck and her throat and left his lips pressed there for a long time . He did not look up until there was a noise from the captain 's room . " I 'll go now , " he said , he wanted to address Miss Bürstner by her Christian name , but did not know it . She gave him a tired nod , offered him her hand to kiss as she turned away as if she did not know what she was doing , and went back into her room with her head bowed . A short while later , K . was lying in his bed . He very soon went to sleep , but before he did he thought a little while about his behaviour , he was satisfied with it but felt some surprise that he was not more satisfied ; he was seriously worried about Miss Bürstner because of the captain . K . was informed by telephone that there would be a small hearing concerning his case the following Sunday . He was made aware that these cross examinations would follow one another regularly , perhaps not every week but quite frequently . On the one hand it was in everyone 's interest to bring proceedings quickly to their conclusion , but on the other hand every aspect of the examinations had to be carried out thoroughly without lasting too long because of the associated stress . For these reasons , it had been decided to hold a series of brief examinations following on one after another . Sunday had been chosen as the day for the hearings so that K . would not be disturbed in his professional work . It was assumed that he would be in agreement with this , but if he wished for another date then , as far as possible , he would be accommodated . Cross - examinations could even be held in the night , for instance , but K . would probably not be fresh enough at that time . Anyway , as long as K . made no objection , the hearing would be left on Sundays . It was a matter of course that he would have to appear without fail , there was probably no need to point this out to him . He would be given the number of the building where he was to present himself , which was in a street in a suburb well away from the city centre which K . had never been to before . Once he had received this notice , K . hung up the receiver without giving an answer ; he had decided immediately to go there that Sunday , it was certainly necessary , proceedings had begun and he had to face up to it , and this first examination would probably also be the last . He was still standing in thought by the telephone when he heard the voice of the deputy director behind him - he wanted to use the telephone but K . stood in his way . " Bad news ? " asked the deputy director casually , not in order to find anything out but just to get K . away from the device . " No , no , " said K . , he stepped to one side but did not go away entirely . The deputy director picked up the receiver and , as he waited for his connection , turned away from it and said to K . , " One question , Mr . K . : Would you like to give me the pleasure of joining me on my sailing boat on Sunday morning ? There 's quite a few people coming , you 're bound to know some of them . One of them is Hasterer , the state attorney . Would you like to come along ? Do come along ! " K . tried to pay attention to what the deputy director was saying . It was of no small importance for him , as this invitation from the deputy director , with whom he had never got on very well , meant that he was trying to improve his relations with him . It showed how important K . had become in the bank and how its second most important official seemed to value his friendship , or at least his impartiality . He was only speaking at the side of the telephone receiver while he waited for his connection , but in giving this invitation the deputy director was humbling himself . But K . would have to humiliate him a second time as a result , he said , " Thank you very much , but I 'm afraid I will have no time on Sunday , I have a previous obligation . " " Pity , " said the deputy director , and turned to the telephone conversation that had just been connected . It was not a short conversation , but K . , remained standing confused by the instrument all the time it was going on . It was only when the deputy The weather was dull on Sunday . K . was very tired , as he had stayed out drinking until late in the night celebrating with some of the regulars , and he had almost overslept . He dressed hurriedly , without the time to think and assemble the various plans he had worked out during the week . With no breakfast , he rushed to the suburb he had been told about . Oddly enough , although he had little time to look around him , he came across the three bank officials involved in his case , Rabensteiner , Kullich and Kaminer . The first two were travelling in a tram that went across K . 's route , but Kaminer sat on the terrace of a café and leant curiously over the wall as K . came over . All of them seemed to be looking at him , surprised at seeing their superior running ; it was a kind of pride that made K . want to go on foot , this was his affair and the idea of any help from strangers , however slight , was repulsive to him , he also wanted to avoid asking for anyone 's help because that would initiate them into the affair even if only slightly . And after all , he had no wish at all to humiliate himself before the committee by being too punctual . Anyway , now he was running so that he would get there by nine o ' clock if at all possible , even though he had no appointment for this time . He had thought that he would recognise the building from a distance by some kind of sign , without knowing exactly what the sign would look like , or from some particular kind of activity outside the entrance . K . had been told that the building was in Juliusstrasse , but when he stood at the street 's entrance it consisted on each side of almost nothing but monotonous , grey constructions , tall blocks of flats occupied by poor people . Now , on a Sunday morning , most of the windows were occupied , men in their shirtsleeves leant out smoking , or carefully and gently held small children on the sills . Other windows were piled up with bedding , above which the dishevelled head of a woman would briefly appear . People called out to each other across the street , one of the calls provoked a loud laugh about K . himself . It was a long street , and spaced evenly along it were small shops below street level , selling various kinds of foodstuffs , which you reached by going down a few steps . Women went in and out of them or stood chatting on the steps . A fruitmonger , taking his goods up to the windows , was just as inattentive as K . and nearly knocked him down with his cart . Just then , a gramophone , which in better parts of town would have been seen as worn out , began to play some murderous tune . K . went further into the street , slowly , as if he had plenty of time now , or as if the examining magistrate were looking at him from one of the windows and therefore knew that K . had found his way there . It was shortly after nine . The building was quite far down the street , it covered so much area it was almost extraordinary , and the gateway in particular was tall and long . It was clearly intended for delivery wagons belonging to the various warehouses all round the yard which were now locked up and carried the names of companies some of which K . knew from his work at the bank . In contrast with his usual habits , he remained standing a while at the entrance to the yard taking in all these external details . Near him , there was a bare - footed man sitting on a crate and reading a newspaper . There were two lads swinging on a hand cart . In front of a pump stood a weak , young girl in a bedjacket who , as the water flowed into her can , looked at K . There was a piece of rope stretched between two windows in a corner of the yard , with some washing hanging on it to dry . A man stood below it calling out instructions to direct the work being done . K . went over to the stairway to get to the room where the hearing was to take place , but then stood still again as besides these steps he could see three other stairway entrances , and there also seemed to be a small passageway at the end of the yard leading into a second yard . It irritated him that he had not been given more precise directions to the room , it meant they were either being especially neglectful with him or especially indifferent , and he decided to make that clear to them very loudly and very unambiguously . In the end he decided to climb up the stairs , his thoughts playing on something that he remembered the policeman , Willem , saying to him ; that the court is attracted by the guilt , from which it followed that the courtroom must be on the stairway that K . selected by chance . As he went up he disturbed a large group of children playing on the stairs who looked at him as he stepped through their rows . " Next time I come here , " he said to himself , " I must either bring sweets with me to make them like me or a stick to hit them with . " Just before he reached the first landing he even had to wait a little while until a ball had finished its movement , two small lads with sly faces like grown - up scoundrels held him by his trouser - legs until it had ; if he were to shake them off he would have to hurt them , and he was afraid of what noise they would make by shouting . On the first floor , his search began for real . He still felt unable to ask for the investigating committee , and so he invented a joiner called Lanz - that name occurred to him because the captain , Mrs . Grubach 's nephew , was called Lanz - so that he could ask at every flat whether Lanz the joiner lived there and thus obtain a chance to look into the rooms . It turned out , though , that that was mostly possible without further ado , as almost all the doors were left open and the children ran in and out . Most of them were small , one - windowed rooms where they also did the cooking . Many women held babies in one arm and worked at the stove with the other . Half grown girls , who seemed to be dressed in just their pinafores worked hardest running to and fro . In every room , the beds were still in use by people who were ill , or still asleep , or people stretched out on them in their clothes . K . knocked at the flats where the doors were closed and asked whether Lanz the joiner lived there . It was usually a woman who opened the door , heard the enquiry and turned to somebody in the room who would raise himself from the bed . " The gentleman 's asking if a joiner called Lanz , lives here . " " A joiner , called Lanz ? " he would ask from the bed . " " That 's right , " K . would say , although it was clear that the investigating committee was not to be found there , and so his task was at an end . There were many who thought it must be very important for K . to find Lanz the joiner and thought long about it , naming a joiner who was not called Lanz or giving a name that had some vague similarity with Lanz , or they asked neighbours or accompanied K . to a door a long way away where they thought someone of that sort might live in the back part of the building or where someone would be who could advise K . better than they could themselves . K . eventually had to give up asking if he did not want to be led all round from floor to floor in this way . He regretted his initial plan , which had at first seemed so practical to him . As he reached the fifth floor , he decided to give up the search , took his leave of a friendly , young worker who wanted to lead him on still further and went down the stairs . But then the thought of how much time he was wasting made him cross , he went back again and knocked at the first door on the fifth floor . The first thing he saw in the small room was a large clock on the wall which already showed ten o ' clock . " Is there a joiner called Lanz who lives here ? " he asked . " Pardon ? " said a young woman with black , shining eyes who was , at that moment , washing children 's underclothes in a bucket . She pointed her wet hand towards the open door of the adjoining room . K . thought he had stepped into a meeting . A medium sized , two windowed room was filled with the most diverse crowd of people - nobody paid any attention to the person who had just entered . Close under its ceiling it was surrounded by a gallery which was also fully occupied and where the people could only stand bent down with their heads and their backs touching the ceiling . K . , who found the air too stuffy , stepped out again and said to the young woman , who had probably misunderstood what he had said , " I asked for a joiner , someone by the name of Lanz . " " Yes , " said the woman , " please go on in . " K . would probably not have followed her if the woman had not gone up to him , taken hold of the door handle and said , " I 'll have to close the door after you , no - one else will be allowed in . " " Very sensible , " said K . , " but it 's too full already . " But then he went back in anyway . He passed through between two men who were talking beside the door - one of them held both hands far out in front of himself making the movements of counting out money , the other looked him closely in the eyes - and someone took him by the hand . It was a small , red - faced youth . " Come in , come in , " he said . K . let himself be led by him , and it turned out that there was - surprisingly in a densely packed crowd of people moving to and fro - a narrow passage which may have been the division between two factions ; this idea was reinforced by the fact that in the first few rows to the left and the right of him there was hardly any face looking in his direction , he saw nothing but the backs of people directing their speech and their movements only towards members of their own side . Most of them were dressed in black , in old , long , formal frock coats that hung down loosely around them . These clothes were the only thing that puzzled K . , as he would otherwise have taken the whole assembly for a local political meeting . At the other end of the hall where K . had been led there was a little table set at an angle on a very low podium which was as overcrowded as everywhere else , and behind the table , near the edge of the podium , sat a small , fat , wheezing man who was talking with someone behind him . This second man was standing with his legs crossed and his elbows on the backrest of the chair , provoking much laughter . From time to time he threw his arm in the air as if doing a caricature of someone . The youth who was leading K . had some difficulty in reporting to the man . He had already tried twice to tell him something , standing on tip - toe , but without getting the man 's attention as he sat there above him . It was only when one of the people up on the podium drew his attention to the youth that the man turned to him and leant down to hear what it was he quietly said . Then he pulled out his watch and quickly looked over at K . " You should have been here one hour and five minutes ago , " he said . K . was going to give him a reply but had no time to do so , as hardly had the man spoken than a general muttering arose all over the right hand side of the hall . " You should have been here one hour and five minutes ago , " the man now repeated , raising his voice this time , and quickly looked round the hall beneath him . The muttering also became immediately louder and , as the man said nothing more , died away only gradually . Now the hall was much quieter than when K . had entered . Only the people up in the gallery had not stopped passing remarks . As far as could be distinguished , up in the half - darkness , dust and haze , they seemed to be less well dressed than those below . Many of them had brought pillows that they had put between their heads and the ceiling so that they would not hurt themselves pressed against it . K . had decided he would do more watching than talking , so he did not defend himself for supposedly having come late , and simply said , " Well maybe I have arrived late , I 'm here now . " There followed loud applause , once more from the right hand side of the hall . Easy people to get on your side , thought K . , and was bothered only by the quiet from the left hand side which was directly behind him and from which there was applause from only a few individuals . He wondered what he could say to get all of them to support him together or , if that were not possible , to at least get the support of the others for a while . " Yes , " said the man , " but I 'm now no longer under any obligation to hear your case " - there was once more a muttering , but this time it was misleading as the man waved the people 's objections aside with his hand and continued - " I will , however , as an exception , continue with it today . But you should never arrive late like this again . And now , step forward ! " Someone jumped down from the podium so that there would be a place free for K . , and K . stepped up onto it . He stood pressed closely against the table , the press of the crowd behind him was so great that he had to press back against it if he did not want to push the judge 's desk down off the podium and perhaps the judge along with it . The judge , however , paid no attention to that but sat very comfortably on his chair and , after saying a few words to close his discussion with the man behind him , reached for a little note book , the only item on his desk . It was like an old school exercise book and had become quite misshapen from much thumbing . " Now then , " said the judge , thumbing through the book . He turned to K . with the tone of someone who knows his facts and said , " you are a house painter ? " " No , " said K . , " I am the chief clerk in a large bank . " This reply was followed by laughter among the right hand faction down in the hall , it was so hearty that K . couldn 't stop himself joining in with it . The people supported themselves with their hands on their knees and shook as if suffering a serious attack of coughing . Even some of those in the gallery were laughing . The judge had become quite cross but seemed to have no power over those below him in the hall , he tried to reduce what harm had been done in the gallery and jumped up threatening them , his eyebrows , until then hardly remarkable , pushed themselves up and became big , black and bushy over his eyes . The left hand side of the hall was still quiet , though , the people stood there in rows with their faces looking towards the podium listening to what was being said there , they observed the noise from the other side of the hall with the same quietness and even allowed some individuals from their own ranks , here and there , to go forward into the other faction . The people in the left faction were not only fewer in number than the right but probably were no more important than them , although their behaviour was calmer and that made it seem like they were . When K . now began to speak he was convinced he was doing it in the same way as them . " Your question , My Lord , as to whether I am a house painter - in fact even more than that , you did not ask at all but merely imposed it on me - is symptomatic of the whole way these proceedings against me are being carried out . Perhaps you will object that there are no proceedings against me . You will be quite right , as there are proceedings only if I acknowledge that there are . But , for the moment , I do acknowledge it , out of pity for yourselves to a large extent . It 's impossible not to observe all this business without feeling pity . I don 't say things are being done without due care but I would like to make it clear that it is I who make the acknowledgement . " K . stopped speaking and looked down into the hall . He had spoken sharply , more sharply than he had intended , but he had been quite right . It should have been rewarded with some applause here and there but everything was quiet , they were all clearly waiting for what would follow , perhaps the quietness was laying the ground for an outbreak of activity that would bring this whole affair to an end . It was somewhat disturbing that just then the door at the end of the hall opened , the young washerwoman , who seemed to have finished her work , came in and , despite all her caution , attracted the attention of some of the people there . It was only the judge who gave K . any direct pleasure , as he seemed to have been immediately struck by K . 's words . Until then , he had listened to him standing , as K . 's speech had taken him by surprise while he was directing his attention to the gallery . Now , in the pause , he sat down very slowly , as if he did not want anyone to notice . He took out the notebook again , probably so that he could give the impression of being calmer . " That won 't help you , sir , " continued K . , " even your little book will only confirm what I say . " K . was satisfied to hear nothing but his own quiet words in this room full of strangers , and he even dared casually to pick up the examining judge 's notebook and , touching it only with the tips of his fingers as if it were something revolting , lifted it in the air , holding it just by one of the middle pages so that the others on each side of it , closely written , blotted and yellowing , flapped down . " Those are the official notes of the examining judge , " he said , and let the notebook fall down onto the desk . " You can read in your book as much as you like , sir , I really don 't have anything in this charge book to be afraid of , even though I don 't have access to it as I wouldn 't want it in my hand , I can only touch it with two fingers . " The judge grabbed the notebook from where it had fallen on the desk - which could only have been a sign of his deep humiliation , or at least that is how it must have been perceived - tried to tidy it up a little , and held it once more in front of himself in order to read from it . The people in the front row looked up at him , showing such tension on their faces that he looked back down at them for some time . Every one of them was an old man , some of them with white beards . Could they perhaps be the crucial group who could turn the whole assembly one way or the other ? They had sunk into a state of motionlessness while K . gave his oration , and it had not been possible to raise them from this passivity even when the judge was being humiliated . " What has happened to me , " continued K . , with less of the vigour he had had earlier , he continually scanned the faces in the first row , and this gave his address a somewhat nervous and distracted character , " what has happened to me is not just an isolated case . If it were it would not be of much importance as it 's not of much importance to me , but it is a symptom of proceedings which are carried out against many . It 's on behalf of them that I stand here now , not for myself alone . " Without having intended it , he had raised his voice . Somewhere in the hall , someone raised his hands and applauded him shouting , " Bravo ! Why not then ? Bravo ! Again I say , Bravo ! " Some of the men in the first row groped around in their beards , none of them looked round to see who was shouting . Not even K . thought him of any importance but it did raise his spirits ; he no longer thought it at all necessary that all of those in the hall should applaud him , it was enough if the majority of them began to think about the matter and if only one of them , now and then , was persuaded . " I 'm not trying to be a successful orator , " said K . after this thought , " that 's probably more than I 'm capable of anyway . I 'm sure the examining judge can speak far better than I can , it is part of his job after all . All that I want is a public discussion of a public wrong . Listen : ten days ago I was placed under arrest , the arrest itself is something I laugh about but that 's beside the point . They came for me in the morning when I was still in bed . Maybe the order had been given to arrest some house painter - that seems possible after what the judge has said - someone who is as innocent as I am , but it was me they chose . There were two police thugs occupying the next room . They could not have taken better precautions if I had been a dangerous robber . And these policemen were unprincipled riff - raff , they talked at me till I was sick of it , they wanted bribes , they wanted to trick me into giving them my clothes , they wanted money , supposedly so that they could bring me my breakfast after they had blatantly eaten my own breakfast in front of my eyes . And even that was not enough . I was led in front of the supervisor in another room . This was the room of a lady who I have a lot of respect for , and I was forced to look on while the supervisor and the policemen made quite a mess of this room because of me , although not through any fault of mine . It was not easy to stay calm , but I managed to do so and was completely calm when I asked the supervisor why it was that I was under arrest . If he were here he would have to confirm what I say . I can see him now , sitting on the chair belonging to that lady I mentioned - a picture of dull - witted arrogance . What do you think he answered ? What he told me , gentlemen , was basically nothing at all ; perhaps he really did know nothing , he had placed me under arrest and was satisfied . In fact he had done more than that and brought three junior employees from the bank where I work into the lady 's room ; they had made themselves busy interfering with some photograpK . broke off here and looked at the judge , who said nothing . As he did so he thought he saw the judge use a movement of his eyes to give a sign to someone in the crowd . K . smiled and said , " And now the judge , right next to me , is giving a secret sign to someone among you . There seems to be someone among you who is taking directions from above . I don 't know whether the sign is meant to produce booing or applause , but I 'll resist trying to guess what its meaning is too soon . It really doesn 't matter to me , and I give his lordship the judge my full and public permission to stop giving secret signs to his paid subordinate down there and give his orders in words instead ; let him just say " Boo now ! , " and then the next time " Clap now ! " . Whether it was embarrassment or impatience , the judge rocked backwards and forwards on his seat . The man behind him , whom he had been talking with earlier , leant forward again , either to give him a few general words of encouragement or some specific piece of advice . Below them in the hall the people talked to each other quietly but animatedly . The two factions had earlier seemed to hold views strongly opposed to each other but now they began to intermingle , a few individuals pointed up at K . , others pointed at the judge . The air in the room was fuggy and extremely oppressive , those who were standing furthest away could hardly even be seen through it . It must have been especially troublesome for those visitors who were in the gallery , as they were forced to quietly ask the participants in the assembly what exactly was happening , albeit with timid glances at the judge . The replies they received were just as quiet , and given behind the protection of a raised hand . " I have nearly finished what I have to say , " said K . , and as there was no bell available he struck the desk with his fist in a way that startled the judge and his advisor and made them look up from each other . " None of this concerns me , and I am therefore able to make a calm assessment of it , and , assuming that this so - called court is of any real importance , it will be very much to your advantage to listen to what I have to say . If you want to discuss what I say , please don 't bother to write it down until later on , I don 't have any time to waste and I 'll soon be leaving . " K was pleased at the tension among all the people there as they listened to him , a rustling rose from the silence which was more invigorating than the most ecstatic applause could have been . " There is no doubt , " he said quietly , " that there is some enormous organisation determining what is said by this court . In my case this includes my arrest and the examination taking place here today , an organisation that employs policemen who can be bribed , oafish supervisors and judges of whom nothing better can be said than that they are not as arrogant as some others . This organisation even maintains a high - level judiciary along with its train of countless servants , scribes , policemen and all the other assistance that it needs , perhaps even executioners and torturers - I 'm not afraid of using those words . And what , gentlemen , is the purpose of this enormous organisation ? Its purpose is to arrest innocent people and wage pointless prosecutions against them which , as in my case , lead to no result . How are we to avoid those in office becoming deeply corrupt when everything is devoid of meaning ? That is impossible , not even the highest judge would be able to achieve that for himself . That is why policemen try to steal the clothes off the back of those they arrest , that is why supervisors break into the homes of people they do not know , that is why innocent people are humiliated in front of crowds rather than being given a proper trial . The policemen only talked about the warehouses where they put the property of those they arrest , I would like to see these warehouses where the hard won possessions of people under arrest is left to decay , if , that is , it 's not stolen by the thieving hands of the warehouse workers . " K . was interrupted by a screeching from the far end of the hall , he shaded his eyes to see that far , as the dull light of day made the smoke whitish and hard to see through . It was the washerwoman whom K . had recognised as a likely source of disturbance as soon as she had entered . It was hard to see now whether it was her fault or not . K . could only see that a man had pulled her into a corner by the door and was pressing himself against her . But it was not her who was screaming , but the man , he had opened his mouth wide and looked up at the ceiling . A small circle had formed around the two of them , the visitors near him in the gallery seemed delighted that the serious tone K . had introduced into the gathering had been disturbed in this way . K . 's first thought was to run over there , and he also thought that everyone would want to bring things back into order there or at least to make the pair leave the room , but the first row of people in front of him stayed were they were , no - one moved and no - one let K . through . On the contrary , they stood in his way , old men held out their arms in front of him and a hand from somewhere - he did not have the time to turn round - took hold of his collar . K . , by this time , had forgotten about the pair , it seemed to him that his freedom was being limited as if his arrest was being taken seriously , and , without any thought for what he was doing , he jumped down from the podium . Now he stood face to face with the crowd . Had he judged the people properly ? Had he put too much faith in the effect of his speech ? Had they been putting up a pretence all the time he had been speaking , and now that he come to the end and to what must follow , were they tired of pretending ? What faces they were , all around him ! Dark , little eyes flickered here and there , cheeks drooped down like on drunken men , their long beards were thin and stiff , if they took hold of them it was more like they were making their hands into claws , not as if they were taking hold of their own beards . But underneath those bHe briskly took his hat from where it lay on the edge of the table and , surrounded by a silence caused perhaps by the completeness of their surprise , pushed his way to the exit . However , the examining judge seems to have moved even more quickly than K . , as he was waiting for him at the doorway . " One moment , " he said . K . stood where he was , but looked at the door with his hand already on its handle rather than at the judge . " I merely wanted to draw your attention , " said the judge , " to something you seem not yet to be aware of : today , you have robbed yourself of the advantages that a hearing of this sort always gives to someone who is under arrest . " K . laughed towards the door . " You bunch of louts , " he called , " you can keep all your hearings as a present from me , " then opened the door and hurried down the steps . Behind him , the noise of the assembly rose as it became lively once more and probably began to discuss these events as if making a scientific study of them . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Yesterday I attended a monthly coffee with the other expat wives ( and a few husbands whose wives are working over here ) . It is a nice to meet some diferent people who don 't necessarily live on the same compound as my family . The lady hosting the coffee also had some local artists at her house to sell some of their work . There was Larry , the wood carver ; Baio , the artist ; and Dupai , the fabric maker . Since I have come to Nigeria , I have learned that there are so many artists here . There are so many artists over here who paint and carve wood beautifully . Their work really captures the images I have seen in only a short time here in Lagos . The fabrics , on the other hand , I thought were pretty , but I really was not that interested in them . Afterall , I could just go to a fabric store in U . S . and buy some fabric there . So , we all had time to browse at all the things the artists brought to the house . Then , Dupai and her husband , Baio , did a demonstration of how they make different fabrics . I was not really sure how interested I would be to see how the fabrics were made . I have to say , I was truly amazed . Dupai showed us the fabric she starts with , which I believe she makes herself . But , the dying process was really interesting . To make the different tie dye designs in her fabric , she makes the dye from various fruits and vegetables . ( you can 't just go to Michael 's over here ) . The colors are so pretty , too . She showed us how she ties string and rubber bands around equally spaced parts if the fabric . She continues to do this for an entire 5 yards ! ! ! She soaks and dyes the fabric . She showed us her tie dyed fabric and it is so beautiful . Then , she went on to show us how she makes Batik fabric . Batik , to me , is the typical fabric I think of when I think of Africa . She showed us that she makes designs on the fabric with melted wax and a sponge . Then , she will dye the fabric many colors . She may have to dye some parts orange , red , etc . Then , she has to remove all the wax from the fabric after she dyes it . The whole procesPosted by Today , I heard one of the ladies who lives here on the compound telling someone else that she was having a malarone moment . ( Malarone is the medication we are taking while we are in Nigeria for malaria prevention ) . Apparently , it is widely believed in the expat community that malarone does something to trip up a person 's memory , makes someone say silly things or just an excuse for any silly thing one may do . The lady was telling her friend that she couldn 't find her keys , and it was because she was having a " malarone moment " . That started to make me think . . . since I have been here . . . I have done some pretty silly things . A few weeks ago , I was playing cards with some of the other expat wives , and I couldn 't tell from across the table if the card was a 9 or a 6 . I kept trying to angle my head so I could see it from another perspective . Finally one of the girls at the table said , " You know , you can count the number of hearts on the card to find out what the number truly is . " She was very nice . . . but I couldn 't help but be embarrassed . . . why didn 't I think of that ? ? Could it have been a " malarone moment " ? ? ? Then , I thought about the other day when I saw that one of the expats was selling a T . V . I thought it was a pretty good price for a 20 inch LCD T . V . I knew that Guy really wanted one . I was surprised when he wanted to pass it up . I asked him why . I knew he wanted a T . V . that was 5 feet . Then , he told me , " Yes , five feet . . . not 20 inches . " I don 't even know what I was thinking . Could that have been attributed to a " malarone moment " ? Then , there was the time I told Edouard that I owed him $ 50 , 000 for the re upholstery ( instead of 50 , ooo naira ) . Yes ! ! ! A " malarone moment had to be the answer ! I kind of felt relief . . . there was an answer for the things I have said that were completely out there ! ! ! : ) Thinking that it was the malarone made me feel a little better about being such a ditz . But , then , I was a little scared . I can blame malarone for the last month of silly things . . . . but what can I blame for the last 33 years Posted by Yes , I really did ! But , not in the way you may think . : ) When you flash someone over here , that means you call their mobile number , but only let it ring once . I do this when I am coming out of the building and need Fatai to come and pick me up . That way , you don 't have to use any pre - paid minutes . Believe me , those minutes are precious ! : ) I knew that I must say that to Fatain pretty often when Jeremy asked me on the way out of school today , " Mommy , did you flash Fatai ? " Good thing we weren 't in the U . S . I probably would have gotten a few weird looks ! : ) Here are some before and after pics of the furniture the seamsters covered . The blue and floral ( yuck ! ) was the before and the brown and red is the after . : ) I realized after I took the pic of the couch when it was finished . . . the cushions weren 't in the pillows . . . they brought the cushions for the pillow covers later today . Also , since I can only put four pics on each post . . . I couldn 't include all the rooms with curtains . I was pleased with their work . Not sure I could have stood being out on a balcony all week . When we moved over here to Lagos , the company my husband works for allows us to recover all the furniture in the flat . We are also able to add window treatments in the flat as well . This seemed like a daunting task to me . That seemed to be the first question people would ask me . " When are you recovering your furniture ? ? " I would look at them with really tired eyes , and the thought of even trying to find someone in this city to do that kind of work for me really frightened me . Thank goodness one of the expat wives had some furniture redone in her flat , and she recommended the people who did her furniture to me . : ) I was nervous to meet with the men at first . They arrived in true Nigerian fashion about and hour and ten minutes after their appointment time . When they came in to sit down , I told them I was interested in recovering my furniture ( The furniture I had was horrid . Why someone would ever recover their furniture in the type of material that was in our flat was a mystery to me . ) At first , Edouard seemed a little aloof , but his partner , Bonaventure , was very friendly . They brought about 5 plastic grocery bags of fabric for me to look at . There was so much of it . I had them help me sort through the fabric into the colors I was looking for . I managed to find a few samples I thought would work . Thy let me keep the samples over the weekend to show Guy . The following week , I had them return and told them I would like for them to do the work in my flat . Happiness told me to ask them to complete the work outside on the balcony so the kids wouldn 't get into any of the fibers . I couldn 't believe that they said that would be okay ! ( Really , I think Happiness knew that the men would be pretty stinky . Many people here do not wear deodorant . : ) ) They explained to me that the work would take about a week to complete . They would start on Monday and be finished by Friday . They also explained to me that I would have to pay 70 percent up front so they could purchase the material . . . then , I would pay the remaining thirty percent wPosted by On Wednesday , Jeremy received a package from our playgroup in Houston . They sent him some birthday presents , some snacks and a huge banner that said " Happy Birthday " . Everyone signed their names on it . I also got an " In Touch Weekly " so I could catch up on all my celebrity gossip . When I saw the banner with all the moms ' names and all the kids ' names on the banner . . . I got a little teary eyed . I have been so busy here with trying to get Jeremy settled into a new school , meeting new people , and making sure the men doing the reupholstering are doing the right thing , that I had kind of put my feelings about missing everyone off to the side . I am not sure that I will ever find the great group of moms I found in Houston anywhere else . They really are a special group of ladies . I am probably the only person in the world who got a little teary eyed reading a tabloid magazine because I missed not being able to just see them at the check out at the supermarket . Anyway , it just felt good to know that you all remember us over here because I think about you all , too . Thanks for thinking of us , and for making Jeremy 's day ! : ) Posted by Yesterday , my little boy turned four years old ! I can hardly believe it . I remember when I first held him and couldn 't believe he was my baby . Now he growing up so fast . He woke up , got dressed , and ate his breakfast . While he was eating , he asked me , " Am I four yet ? ? " I told him he wasn 't yesterday , but today he is . He was so happy . I took him to school , along with plenty of cupcakes to share with his classmates . It was the first day he would be there all day long . I was a little worried that he would get upset about me leaving , but he kissed me and gave me the sign langauge for " I love you . " from across the room . Then , he sat right down for circle time . I was really proud of him . Part of me wanted to cry because he wasn 't crying to come with me . . . I knew it meant he wasn 't a baby anymore . Where does the time go ? ? ? When I picked him up from school , he was wearing a construction paper crown with glitter on it for his birthday , and he was carrying a birthday book the class had made for him . Oh , and I mustn 't forget the huge yellow helium balloon that I just new would pop before we ever got it home . He was so happy . We rode the bus home together , and we were stuck in traffic only 100 yards away from the compound . Just as I feared , the balloon popped with a huge bang . The bus driver jumped with a start . I think he thought it was a gunshot . Needless to say , Jeremy was crying because his birthday balloon popped . Twenty minutes later after we managed to inch our way into the compound , he was feeling a little better . I took him , just he and I , to the playground for the rest of the afternoon . I watched him play and I just kept thinking what a life he has had so far ; born in Guatemala , lived in Texas and now he is here in Lagos , Nigeria . Today was Jeremy 's first day in Pre - K . He woke up this morning and had a strawberry pop tart ( Thank goodness for our shipment ! ) I helped him to get dressed in his uniform , and Fatai took Guy , Jeremy and myself to school . His first day was a time to meet the teacher and see his classroom and meet a few of the children who would be in his class . His teacher seems wonderful . She is very small with a very quiet voice , but you can tell she can be firm when she needs to be . There are three Nigerian aides in the classroom to help the teacher as well . We first met with the elementary school principal , and then , we went back to Jeremy 's new classroom . The children had a snack and then chose an acticvity they wanted to do at their tables . The parents were able to sit and listen to the teacher go over rules and procedures for the class . It was a great first day . When Jeremy got in the car he told Guy and me , " I really like my teacher . " So , I guess we are off to a good start . : ) On Saturday , we decided to have Fatai take us out to Lekki Market . Lekki is an outdoor market where many artists display their work such as woodwork , fabrics , baskets , paintings , etc . When we first arrived , several young boys wanted us to " hire " them to follow us and carry our purchases from the market to our car . We decided to have a boy named Ola walk with us . He looked very young and I asked him how old he was . He told us he was 14 years old . I am sure he wasn 't any older than 10 or at the most 11 years old . We asked him when his birthday was and he said 1995 . We were not sure if he has been coached to say that or if that really is the year he was born . He didn 't know what month and day his birthday was , though . Ola loved Jeremy and Elizabeth , and he kept touching Jeremy 's arm . He walked with us and showed us where the baskets were . Since I have been in Nigeria for a few weeks now , I can see how the Nigerian women carry their babies on their backs . I decided that really made sense . I had Elizabeth in my sling from my dear friend , Emmy , and I decided to push it around to my back and carry her on my back . She loved it and all the people in the market would smile and look at me . One of them said , " African style ! " That was really funny . They were probably wondering what this oyibo was doing carrying a baby on my back . . . but it was actually quite comfortable . Ola took us to a stall where there was a man selling big baskets . We needed two baskets for laundry hampers . Thank goodness Guy is good at bargaining because I am not . He said his price and held firm to it until the man conceded and we got the baskets for the price we wanted . While one of the men was putting handles on the baskets we were buying , I noticed an artist who was carving animals into a small wooden table . Many of you know I rarely leave home without my camera . I asked the man if I could take his picture . I did , and I may as well have said that this was my first time to the market . So many boys and artists came up to me asking me if it was my first tiPosted by Coming out and seeing the children behind the wall still bothers me , but it has become a regular part of Jeremy 's day . I wish I could see the world through his eyes . He doesn 't see any bad anywhere . When we go down to walk Bernice , he immediately goes over to the wall to see if any of the children on the other side are outside . Yesterday , before we took Bernie for a walk , Jeremy pooped . Then , he asked for a lollipop ( I really need to ween him off the lollipops when he poops in the toilet ) . I was getting one for him and I told him we needed to take Bernie outside ( Happiness was getting a medical exam done ) . He told me he wanted to bring his lamb stuffed animal because the " other kids " hadn 't seen it yet . He was pretty excited to go and show them . Right when we were walking out , he said " let 's bring those kids a lollipop like the other kids from the beach . " So , I grabbed a Ziploc and put some of our lollipop stash in it , and we headed outside . Off I went from Jeremy 's poop to Bernie 's poop . As soon as we got to the basketball court , he ran over to the wall and yelled , " Hey , is anybody there ? " Immediately there were a few hands that poked through the wall to say hi . He put his lamb through to the other side and the children looked at it and then I saw another little hand push it back through to Jeremy . The children love to reach out and touch Elizabeth on her arm , and she thinks it is so funny . Jeremy and I handed out lollipops to the children who were there . I really didn 't expect them to say anything when we gave the candy to them , but two girls on the other side who i had met before ( Josephine and Precious ) looked at me through the wall and said , " Thank you , Madame . " I was pleasantly surprised . When I moved here , i was told to be very careful around Nigerians . If you are too generous to them , you will be taken advantage of . I can see how that is true , but I believe you can tell how genuine a person is through his or her eyes . I am sure the look I saw in the girls ' eyes was genuine . People are people wherever yMeredith I realized that I had not included a picture of Fatai ( pronounced Fu tie with a short u and the accent on the second syllable ) in any of my posts so far . Fatai is our driver while we are here in Lagos . He loves our children , and he has five children of his own . He is able to drive us safely around this crazy city and bring us back home in one piece . He is a very brave soul ! I took a picture of him yesterday wearing his native dress clothes . Every Friday , the staff is encouraged to wear traditional Nigerian dress . I also found out that in the spring there is " Nigerian Day " at Jeremy 's school . It looks like I will have to start going out to look for fabrics to have some Nigerian clothes made . It will be hard to find just one fabric I like since there are so many here that are truly beautiful ! In true Nigerian fashion , we received a phone call on Tuesday night at 10 : 30 telling us our shipment was here . We waited a little bit after the phone call to make sure that they were not going to unpack that night . ( Some people who live here have had their shipment unpacked at 10 p . m . ) Security let us know that the unpackers were not here that night , but they would be here early in the morning . So , the three drivers ( yes , three . . . not sure why they needed that many . I asked Happiness why there were three drivers , and she told me that two of them were drivers and one was the " conductor " and she didn 't know what the " conductor " did . I don 't think she even knew why there were three ) had to sleep with the shipment that night . Happiness told me that she has seen drivers sleep under the shipment truck . We were a little worried about our shipment because the container had been crushed . Not sure how that happened since it is a metal container . . . but now my saying is " That 's Nigeria ! " Usually a shipment can sit in customs for a few months . Then , when you get it , a lot of things are missing . The customs people will take things like a few rolls of toilet paper and other odd things like that . . . . weird . The only good thing about it being damaged was that it was pushed through customs really quickly . So , at 7 a . m . Wednesday morning we got the call that they were going to start unpacking . Guy went downstairs to see the container . When he got off the elevator , he heard this really loud banging sound coming from outside . He saw the unpackers slamming the lock on the container with a huge metal stick . He asked them what they were doing . and one of them said , " Sir , we are opening your container . " Guy asked him the next logical question , " Can 't you use the key ? ? " . So , he got the logical Nigerian answer , " Oh sir , we do not have the key . We have thrown it in the sea for security reasons . " What ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! You may ask . Apparently Nigerians don 't even trust each other . Happiness also told me the same story . We learned the standard protocol is toPosted by We went outside about two hours ago to take Bernice out to go to the bathroom . We always go to the basketball court right next to " the wall " ( I will attach a picture tomorrow ) . When we got outside , three little heads popped up from the other side . They were the children of the staff for our compound . Jeremy went over to the wall to talk to the children . He had a small magnadoodle with him . You could see all of their hands poking out through the cinder blocks to see if they could hold it . Guy and I didn 't even have to tell Jeremy to share ; he passed it through the wall so the children could look at it . I have to admit , I wasn 't sure if we would ever see it again . After a few minutes , a little hand passed it back through the wall . A little boy had drawn a great picture of an astronaut or a " space man " as he called it . Then , another little boy , Edward , climbed to the top of the wall and saw Bernice . He asked , " Is that a lion ? ? " It was so funny . Some of the other children laughed at him . One little boy said , " No , it is a dog ! " It started to make me think . Here we are in Africa , and people back home think of lions and tigers . They think of savannas and jungles when they think of Africa . And , here we are with children in Africa who may not even know what a lion looks like . We are in Africa here on our compound with a cinder block wall separating us from people who are from here . When I go outside and see that wall , it makes me sad . I guess I do see reasons for it to be up , and I also see reasons for it to come down . It is hard to explain . Many people here will say that the " quarters " , as they are called here , are really good for the staff . ( When I say quarters , I mean one 8x10 room for a staff member and his or her family ) They will say that it is better than where they could be living . I just can 't help but feel like I have stepped back in time about 200 hundred years . So , I guess I could tell people it isn 't that bad here , but it isn 't that good either . Bernice needs to go out several times a day to do her " business " . There is a designated area next to the basketball court for the dogs . Jeremy and Elizabeth love to go outside and take a walk when Bernice has to go outside . Next to the basketball court , is the staff quarters . The staff quarters is divided off from the basketball court by a huge cinder block wall . ( I will write more about that in future posts . ) Sometimes , you can see the hands of the staff 's children poking through the cinder blocks to touch Jeremy and Elizabeth . Since the kids are outside so much when Bernie goes to the bathroom , Jeremy has gone over to the wall a few times and talked to some of the children . It is really interesting , the Nigerian children love to put their hands out and touch the " white " children . It is almost as if they don 't think that light skin is real until they touch it . They will yell through the fence to Jeremy and Elizabeth ( and to Guy and I when we are out there ) , " Oyibo ! Oyibo ! " The literal interpretation of this term is " peeled one " . It comes from the idea that " white " people have somehow " peeled " off their dark skin . It is really funny to watch the kids talk together . I can hardly understand what the other children are saying , but Jeremy seems to understand just fine . It is really heartwarming to see them interacting together . Yesterday , Jeremy and Elizabeth went outside with Guy to take Bernice for a walk . When Jeremy came back inside I asked him if the other children were outside behind the wall . He said , " Yeah . " I asked him what they said . He said , " They didn 't really say anything . They just said BO ! BO ! BO ! " I started laughing . It is so funny to see his innocence . He had no idea they were calling him " Oyibo " . So , I woke up this morning and got the kids their breakfast . After they were done , I wiped them off , and they went in Elizabeth 's room to play with Happiness . I looked in the refrigerator for something different for breakfast . I thought I remembered Happiness telling me she bought some papayas for us . I looked through a few bags in the refrigerator and pulled out the papaya . I put it on the cutting board and began to cut it open . I opened it up , and I was in shock . It was an avocado ! ! ! I had never seen an avocado that big before . The pit was the size of an avocado that I would have bought in Houston ! I yelled for Happiness to come into the kitchen . I told her I thought it was a papaya . She started laughing at me . I told her how small the avocados were back home . She said , " No , Madame . . . the avocados we buy here are all like that . They are 100 naira . " That works out to be about 66 cents for a HUGE avocado ! Wow . For those of you who read the post about the twenty dollar grapes . . . I guess this makes up for it ! : ) After my morning shower escapade , I was off to my first pantry sale . When an expat family is going to move back to the U . S . they usually have a Pantry Sale . The sale consists of anything and everything they don 't have to ship back to the U . S . ( Since when they get back , they won 't have to stockpile everything like we do here . ) I got an e - mail about the sale that said it started at 9 a . m . I decided that I didn 't want to get there too early because I didn 't want to look to desperate . ( I was really wanting the Ziploc bags I saw on the e - mail that the lady was selling . We have been out for a few days and Happiness has been rinsing them out . ) Anyway , Fatai drove me to the pantry sale and I arrived at about 9 : 25 a . m . I couldn 't believe when I walked into the lady 's apartment that almost everything was picked through . I quickly learned that you actually have to arrive before the sale in order to get in and get the truly coveted items like hand soap and Ziplocs . : ) It is amazing , really nice ladies will completely transform their personalities and act like mother cubs protecting their young . Don 't even look in the direction of a woman who has an armload of wet wipes or Ziploc bags . . . you will get a look that could kill ! I did manage to get some wet wipes ( The other lady didn 't see the other packs ) , some cleaning things and a few various other things , though . ( Don 't worry about the Ziplocs for me , though . A lady living in my compound gave me a box of hers . . . God bless her ! ! ) As soon as I was back in my car on the way home , I could feel the tension going away . I realized that the next time I go to one of these things , I need to have a poker face and arrive at the crack of dawn . : ) When we were driving home , the traffic was getting a little heavier . The little motorcycles , okadas ( as they are called here in Lagos ) , are always weaving in and out of traffic . They are literally millimeters from the doors of the cars they are passing . Not only that , but the cars are so close to each other that I could roll my window down and fePosted by This morning , I thought I would get up a little earlier than usual so I could take a peaceful shower before the kids woke up . It was great , I didn 't have to hurry out . I even had hot water the ENTIRE time . ( Many mornings , the water heater doesn 't work that quickly and takes forever to heat the water up . Since I take a shower after Guy in the morning , the last part of my shower is an ice bath ! ) It was so nice to not hear screaming over toys or doors slamming . I got out of the shower and was drying off when that dreaded sound for all mothers of sleeping children went off . . . THE DOORBELL ! ! ! It was 7 : 20 a . m . ! ! ! ( Whoever invented that blasted doorbell did not have small children who needed to sleep . I can 't think of a more obnoxious invention than that . What happened to just politely knocking on the door ? ? ? ) So , needless to say , my tranquility was over . I was only in a towel , and walked to the door . I looked out the peephole and saw that it was the building maintenance . I opened the door and he said , " I am sorry Madame . The control room is showing that your fire alarm is going off . " I told him that there was no fire here , but he said he had to check anyway . He came in and looked up at the ceiling at the " alarms " . I hadn 't even noticed them before . I told him I hadn 't heard anything , and he said that I won 't hear anything , the control room will hear it . What ? ? ? ! ! ! ! Anyway , it turned out that the " alarm " in my room was going off . The only way I could see that was that a red light was on . I asked him why it went off and he didn 't know why . He said , " I don 't know Madame , probably just dust . " ( Okay , does anyone else see a problem with a FIRE alarm going off because of dust in it ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ) He cleaned it out , reset it and left . By that time , Elizabeth was screaming , and Jeremy was crying because he didn 't know what was going on . I realized when I walked the man to the door to leave that my hair was wet and sticking up everywhere and I was still in just a towel . By that time , I was thinking all I really need right now is somePosted by The other day , one of the the expat wives invited the kids and myself to the beach . I thought it would be great to go since there is still not alot of people back from summer break . And also , because I needed a break from hauling Elizabeth up the ladder at the playground to go down the slide . ( She wants to do everything Jeremy does never realizing how little she is ! ) So , Fatai took the kids and me to a restaurant nearby where there is a boat dock . The boat to take us to the beach met us there at 9 a . m . There were 6 other ladies besides the kids and me . So , the boat was pretty full . It was about 16 feet long and it was pretty safe . The kids looked like little turtles in their life jackets with their head poking out . The boat ride to get to the beach was about 40 minutes . The scenery was quite interesting . There were shacks along the water where fishermen and their families lived with rickety old boats that they took out on the water . There were huge barges with various shipments on them . There were even some old boats that had run into each other on the water just left abandoned in the middle of the water . When we got to the small fishing village where the beach was , about 20 children ranging in ages from 1 year to about 14 years old ran to the dock to greet us . They immediately started to balance coolers and bags of things we had brought for the beach on their heads . I was walking with Jeremy when I saw a baby , probably about 12 or 13 mos . old , walking on the dock alone with no diaper or pants on . He was only wearing a shirt . I commented to one of the ladies who was with me about how sad it made me feel to see a baby like that . I asked her if the parents of the children in the village do care for their children . I thought to myself , maybe the way they care for their children is just different than the way I care for my own . She said that the parents love their children , but they are also very hard on them . Nigerian parenting is very different from what we are used to . During the day , their parents go out on thePosted by Today the kids and I went to the playground here on the compound . Later on , we went to the pool . It is amazing how normal it feels here to go to the playground and pool . It doesn 't feel like I am in a third world country . It feels like I am going to meet my playgroup for swimming or play on the playground ( except , of course , they are not here ) . I have only been here a week and I don 't really notice the concrete wall surounding the compound . It doesn 't even seem strange anymore that Jeremy always waves at all the security guards who are walking around the compound . They know his name and smile and wave back . It just seemed like a regular day with my kids . : ) Today , the kids , Guy and myself went out to the Palms Mall . When I say Palms , please don 't think of a beautiful beach with Palm trees . When I say mall , please don 't think of the Galleria in Houston . It 's more like a lot of Walgreens and 5 - 7 - 9 stores all rolled up into one with an old movie theater in it . We ventured out to see a few of the grocery stores and get a few things we needed . It is so interesting when we are driving on the streets to look at all the different people . One sight I have seen here very often is women ( and sometimes men ) carrying baskets and platters of food on top of their heads . I mentioned this to Happiness . and she said , " Madame , it is so easy , all you do is this . " She proceeded to wrap the kitchen towel I had on my counter into a circle . Then , she placed it on top of her head . She told me that then you can place a platter on your head and it won 't fall off . I don 't know about that , but I will say that all the Nigerian women I have seen have perfect posture . I also see alot of people sitting on the side of the road with lawn chairs . I am not sure what they are doing , but they don 't look like they have anywhere else to go . They are smiling and laughing . They seem to be enjoying the moment . They are talking and laughing with their friends . I could probably learn a lot from them . Every Nigerian I have met , always has a smile on his face . They may not have a lot of material possessions , but they know how to enjoy the life they are gven and the moments they have . Well , we have only been here a week and already we have a had a milestone for our family . I celebrated my 33rd birthday here in Lagos . It turned out pretty well , though . : ) I had lots of family and friends call me . The kids got me a cake and some flowers ( courtesy of Fatai , our driver , driving around to get them . ) Guy gave me some earrings he had bought a while ago when he was in Singapore . It was a really nice birthday ; just the kids , Guy and me . It felt good this week to be able to un pack and not have to leave again on an airplane for a little while at least . It still doesn 't feel like home here , but it sure is nice to have a drawer to put my underwear . : ) Posted by I was a Kindergarten teacher for seven years before staying home with my children . I lived in Nigeria with my husband and children for three years . We have recently moved back to the U . S . , and I am stumbling through the adjusmtent of being back . This blog is a combination of ramblings about expat life , kids and everything in between . : ) I am not really sure because we didn 't find them on Banana Island . : ) Today , we headed out to Banana Island for a charity walk . It i . . . Yesterday , we set out on a river cruise on the Rhine river from Bacharach . The kids were pretty excited to get on the boat . : ) A little k . . . Check out www . ibsfnigeria . org / to see what is happening with the Ishahayi Beach School Foundation . This foundation is a wonderful charity to help with Nigerian children 's education . Since I was a teacher , it is an organization which is close to my heart . |
Being the manager of a small department store , in a chain of department stores , I prepared my little store for our annual back to school sale . This is a big time of year for us , as we are located in the poorer side of town , and unlike the big discount chains we are within walking distance of in the poor neighborhoods . Now this is a big sales advantage but it also has some drawbacks , as we get more shoplifters and security is a major part of the job , as we cannot afford to hire and maintain a security man full time . Most of out customers are hard working low - income people , and for the most part very honest . With many years of experience behind me , I know that most of our losses come from teenagers . They usually come in groups and try to distract the sales staff , while one of them shoplifts the things they desire . So being the manager I have learned to stay off the sales floor and watch the store thru the groups of one way mirrors throughout the store , paying particular attention to the teens that arrive in groups , and the ones that go off on their own while their buddies ask the sales people questions . Now these teen shoplifters do not as a rule , pick up school supplies such as notebooks or pencils , they go after clothes or electronics . Letting their parents worry about the things they need to actually do the schoolwork . So I usually station myself in the clothing department during peak teen shopping hours . I watch for teens taking multiple items into the fitting rooms and only returning a few back to the racks . Well now that you know the background of what usually goes on , let me tell you about the unusual case I had this year . It was around 4 : 30 PM on a Monday , which is prime time for teen shoplifters , as they have gotten out of school a hour or so ago and had time to group up for their quest . The usual group of teens came in and the sales people were quite busy . I was behind the one - way mirror at the clothing department watching a few teens , when out of the corner of my eye I saw her . She was off to herself in the school supply section , a place most teens avoid . She was young and I guessed around 14 or 15 years old , she was wearing clothes that were out of style by a few years , I guessed hand me downs or yard sale specials . I do not know why she caught my attention , but I decided to move around and watch her thru the mirror in that section of the store . As I continued to watch her I noticed her look around and put something in her pocket , then quickly move to another section of the school supplies . She kept looking around , and had a scared look on her face , as she bent down and pick up a calculator looked at it , looked quickly around and stuffed that into her pocket also . Well I had seen enough ; I knew she would soon try to go out the door , so as she pretended to look around for something else I made my way to the exit . I went outside the store and pretended to look in the window at the displays as I kept an eye on her . It did not take long as she slowly made her way to the door , she took one more quick look around and seen no one following her and slowly made her way to the exit , with a final look around she quickly moved thru the door , turned and ran directly into me . I am sure it startled her at first and then as she regained her composure she noticed my nametag and the manager and store logo under it . Her face went pale and I reached out and grabbed her arm so she could not run . I called one of the sales people out as a witness and asked the girl to empty her pockets . She pulled out the calculator and some pens , all together worth around ten or fifteen dollars . The salesman who came out took a picture of her and her loot and handed me the camera . I picked up her ill - gotten gain and asked her to come with me to the office . She started crying and shaking , which in a usual ploy for young shoplifters to try to get you just to let them go . But our store policy was to prosecute all shoplifters as a deterrent to others . When we reached the office , I had her sit in the straight chair and I put the stolen item on the desk , and settled in my chair behind the desk . She was still crying as I pulled out the standard form we have to get all the information from the shoplifter before the police arrive . Here is where I deviated from company policy , I was supposed to call the police before I started filling out the form , and to this day I do not know why I didn 't . I started asking her the standard questions , her name , age , address , and phone number where her parents could be reached . And I was kind of surprised at some of the answers I received , her name was Carol Miller , she was 18 years old , her address was an old flophouse motel just down the street , and no phone number was available . I noticed she had quit crying now but her eyes were still red and puffy . I asked her parents name and she gave me her mother 's name as Jill Taylor and her stepfather 's name as Paul Taylor . When I asked how to reach them , she burst into tears again and pleaded with me not to contact them . She said her stepfather would kill her , having heard this before many time , I told her I doubted that he would kill her . That is when she shocked me and stood and turned her back to me , pulled up her tee shirt and showed me the scars of being beaten . I was shocked and dropped my pen on the desk , as she lowered her shirt and turned back to face me . For some reason I got up from my chair and went around to take this young girl into my arms to comfort her , as I took her in my arms she put her face in my chest and cried like a baby . I held her tight and a protective feeling overtook me . Suddenly I was glad I had not called the police , I just wanted to make her feel safe from harm . It was like pulling teeth , but finally I got some details out of her . He stepfather was a drunk lazy man who lived on his welfare check , and what ever her mom could make waiting tables and a local diner . He begrudged an money spent on her for clothes or books , hell he did not even want to feed her , as she ate table scrapes after her father finished eating . They never seemed to have enough money and he took it out on her , he would beat her for almost no reason , but always when her mom was at work . She was terrified of him , but needed some supplies for her classes at school and was afraid to ask her mom for them . She wore clothes the neighbors had given her and what she pick up out of others garbage . I am a single man , who had never been married , but I do like children and never wanted to see them mistreated . Maybe some hidden paternal instincts were taking over , because suddenly all that mattered to me was protecting this young girl . So I paid for the items she stole out of my own pocket , and sent her on her way , but not before taking a few snapshots of her back full of scars and bruises . I had no Idea what to do , but I knew I needed to do something , so I called an old friend of mine who worked for Children 's Services of our great state . So meeting my friend , that night and telling her the story , showing her the pictures of Carol 's back , I asked the million dollar question , what could be done . I was in for another shock as I was told that not a whole lot could be done since no police report was filled out , no complaint by either the mother or child was on record . They could take the photos and go talk to the stepfather , but usually that only would make him mad and he would take it out on Carol at a later date . Or they could approach the mother with the pictures and try to get her to file a complaint . They best case scenario if they could prove the child was being beaten by the stepfather , was to remove her from their custody and place her in a foster home , which they were short of , and may turn out to be worst for Carol . As abuse has been known to happen in foster care homes . I have not been known to back down from a challenge , so I told my friend I wanted to do nothing thru the system . Now give me some choices outside the system that might be done . After discussing this subject at length , we came up with a few scenarios that might work . One being approach the stepfather , let him know he is being watched . But this may make him madder and either beat Carol worse or leave the family and then they could not even afford the flophouse apartment they had . The other was to approach the mother , show her the photos and try to scare her into signing custody papers to a responsible person , and that left the question of who would take care of Carol . The next day Carol came by the store to thank me for the supplies and not turning her in . That is when I noticed she had a black eye and bruises on her arms . When I questioned her about it she told me her stepfather had found the supplies and asked her where she got them . When she told him , he took the supplies away from her and beat her again . He then traded the supplies for a cheap bottle of wine . I could not hide my fury at him from her , and she kept telling me it was all right she would get by without the supplies . But I knew I had to do something fast . I though about it all day , and came to the conclusion that approaching the mother was the best way to handle this situation . As for who to take custody of Carol , I had no idea so I decided it would be me , until I could find someone else more suitable . After work I went and seen a attorney and had a custody agreement drawn up naming me as the custodian of the minor child Carol Miller , releasing her mother or stepfather of any paternal rights to the child . All I had to do was get the mother to sign it and get it notarized , and then file it with the County Clerk . The next day I took some time off from work and went to the little diner where Carol 's mother worked , while Carol was still in school . She was not hard to spot as she looked like an older version of Carol , and she also sported a black eye and some bruises that she tried to cover with make up . When she came to wait on my table I introduced myself and told her I need a few minutes of her time to talk to her about her daughter . I guess she assumed Carol had gotten into trouble as she went to her boss and told him she was taking a little time off , and came back to my table to talk to me . I explained the situation as best I could and showed her the photos of Carol . I could tell she was surprised by the photos , and when I asked her if she had not seen her daughter 's black eye yesterday , she told me Carol had told her she had gotten into a fight in school . I asked how she had gotten her own black eye and she blushed and finally told me her husband was drunk last night and had hit her . I then told Carol 's mother that we had two choices , one was that I go to the police with the information I had and they would remove Carol from her home and place her in foster care until after the trial of both her and her husband for child abuse . I could see she did not like this choice , so I continued with choice number two . I told her she could sign custody of Carol over to me and I would find her a suitable home , and no charges would be brought against her or her husband . That she would be able to have supervised visits with Carol , arranged thru me . She was crying by then and I could see she liked neither choice , so I told her that if she made no choice , I would be forced to go with the first one and take the evidence to the police when I left the diner . This seemed to shake her up enough to make a quick decision to go with the latter choice and sign the custody papers . So I took her to another friend of mine who owned a car lot and was a notary so she could sign the papers and they could get notarized . When we got to the car lot I explained to my friend that I need him to notarize a signature on a legal document and he agreed to do it for the nominal notary fee . I showed Carol 's mom where to sign , and signed my signature in the proper place , my friend looked at both of our IDs and then stamped and signed the documents , then made copies for his file , Carol 's mother and me , then handed me the original document that I need to file with the County Clerk . Carol 's mother went with me to the County Clerk 's office where I filed the papers , she and I both had to sign some documents there . With that behind us wIt was not a pleasant meeting and at first the stepfather refused to allow us to remove or take Carol out of the house . But after waving the legal document in his face and telling him I would call the police to enforce the document and have him arrested , he yielded and allowed Carol to remove her meager belongings . After they were loaded into my car I gave her mother my address and phone number , she kissed Carol goodbye and we left her and her husband standing on the curb . To say I was unprepared to be a parent would be a gross understatement . Although I did own a small two - bedroom home , the second bedroom was not furnished for guests ; I had turned it into a small home office . I did have a daybed in there but nowhere to put clothes except in the small closet . Well this is just supposed to be temporary I told myself as soon as I can find her a suitable home she will be leaving . I showed Carol where to hang her clothes and cleaned out a drawer in my dresser for her few pieces of underwear and socks . I showed her how to work the small TV in her room and how to turn on the computer on the desk . That is when I notice the tears welling up in her eyes . All I could do was open my arms and she ran into them and buried her face into my shoulder , letting the tears flow . I stroked her hair and let her know everything would be all right , as I held her tightly to me . That was when I first noticed it , the stirring in my loins , god I was getting a hard on for this child . I had never thought of teens as a sexual outlet before , oh sure I had seen teen pictures on the computer , and I admit they were sexy . But I had always preferred older women . How long we stood there like that I do not know , I don 't know if Carol noticed my erection or not , but I stood still careful not to press my hips forward . Then she looked up at me hugged me and thanked me for all I was doing for her and gave me a quick peck on my cheek . Then she turned away and started putting her things away and I just stood there , shocked at my reaction to her , and ashamed of them at the same time . And I stood there watching her bend over and remove things from the shopping bags her belongings were in , and for the first time I noticed how tight her jeans were on her beautiful young ass . How they seemed to cling like a second skin , even when she straighten up and walked to the closet , the jeans looked like they were painted on her . I suddenly came to my senses and turned and left the room , telling her I had something else I need to do and to call me if she needed anything . I called and ordered us a pizza for dinner that night and we ate in the living room while watching TV . When we finished the pizza she asked where the towels were as she wanted to take a shower . I showed her where all the linens were stored and she took some clothes in the bathroom with her , I heard the shower start up and sat there imagining what she looked like naked . I was hard all over again and tried to shake the images out of my head before she came back out . When Carol came out of the bathroom she was wearing a large tee shirt that was white and I could tell she had not dried off real well as the shirt became almost transparent and her well shaped breast and nipples came into view as if she were wearing nothing at all . Then she bent over and I spotted her well - worn white panties that looked two sizes too small for her . Her damp hair hung down to her shoulders in a well - combed look , which made her look older than her 18 years . I tried my best not to stare at her but I did notice bruises on her legs , which looked like she had been beaten with a belt . I had to ask her about them , and when I did , I saw the pained look on her face as she remembered what had happened to her . She finally told me that her stepfather had wanted her to touch him and even perform oral sex on him and when she refused he beat her . That he was all the time trying to feel her up when her mother was at work , and when she was alone with him she tried to stay locked in her bedroom . Just the thought of that drunken bastard trying to molest her made me shake with rage , but as I calmed down I asked myself was I any better , I wanted her for myself . Did that make me a child molester too ? Did Carol think I would put the moves on her , that I saved her from her stepfather only to molest her myself ? I got up and turned the TV off and told her it was time for bed and started walking toward my bedroom . She ran and caught me and gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek and ran to her bedroom , I heard the lock click . I went to bed with mixed thoughts and feelings that night and slept very little . In the morning I got up and showered , shaved and got dressed , I made breakfast before I knocked on Carol 's door and told her it was time to get up . She came into the kitchen , still in her oversized tee shirt hair messed up from sleep stretching and yawning . She sat at the table and I served her pancakes and sausages and a glass of milk . I had toast and coffee , and read the paper while she ate . She got up and went back to the bedroom to get dressed for school again I heard the door lock . When she came out she was dressed in a clean outfit that looked exactly like what she had on yesterday and I made myself a note to take her shopping tomorrow since it was Saturday and buy her some new clothes . I told Carol that if her stepfather showed up at school or on her way to my store to run and get to a safe place and call me . She said she would , and I took her to school and went to work . After school she came to my store and I put her in my office to do her homework and wait for me until time for me to get off . When my shift was over , I went back to get her and we drove out to the diner where her mother worked for dinner . Her mother was there , although it was hard to recognize her , as she had been beaten badly and had cuts and bruises all over her face . She ran over and hugged her daughter and they both cried , I knew without asking what had happen to her . Her husband had been very mad about my taking Carol and his wife 's role in it and had taken it out on her after we had left . I got up and motioned Carol 's mother over so Carol could not hear us , and told her when she got tired of being her husband 's punching bag to come to my house she was welcome and would be safe there . She said what I knew she would , that she was ok and thanked me for the offer , and I doubted I would ever see her take me up on my offer . But all I could do was try , some women will put up with the beating forever , I will never know why . The next morning I got up and performed my routine in the bathroom , but this time I noticed a trace of blood in the shower . So I looked in the laundry hamper and sure enough there were bloodstains on Carol 's underwear . She was having her period and dumb me had no feminine napkins or anything there for her , and I guess she was too embarrassed to ask me for something . Before waking Carol I ran out to the near by 7 - 11 and bought sever different kinds and styles and put them in easy sight on the bathroom counter . I fixed a light breakfast of fresh fruit and toast , then knocked on her door and told her breakfast was ready . As I guessed she got up and ran for the bathroom , locked the door and I heard her cry of surprise . She left the bathroom and went back to her room and got dressed , before coming to the table for breakfast . By that time I was drinking my coffee and reading the paper , and she swept the paper from in front of my face hugged and kissed my cheek and thanked me for the feminine napkins . I told her she was welcome , but she should have told me she need them as I was but a man and did not keep things like that around . She laughed and told me she would from now on and sat down and ate her breakfast . After breakfast I told her we were going shopping and she ran out to the car . We drove to the mall and she followed me thru the mazes of stores until I got to the one I wanted . She stopped outside the store and I had to go back and take her hand and lead her into the woman 's fashion store . She tried to pull away several times and I stopped and told her I wanted to buy my girl some new clothes , and that she was to get whatever she wanted , including some new underwear that fit her . She threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek and cried as she tried to thank me , but I would have none of that and pulled her arms off of me and sent her looking thru the clothes . Now I have always felt out of place in a women 's fashion store , even when I tried to buy my mother a sweater , but I told the sales girl to help Carol out and sat down and waited . I must admit I enjoyed this trip to the store as every time Carol tied on a outfit she ran over to see if I like it , and of course I did as she and the sales girl had very good taste . And the new clothes made Carol even more beautiful than she all ready was , as her bruises were fading her eyes were bright and she smiled a lot now , something she never did before . After several hours and many hundreds of dollars we left the store and packed the car with the many packages . I then took her hand and we returned to the mall to get her some new shoes as hers were very worn and she only had one pair . After the shoe store we went to a furniture store and picked out a bedroom set that was to be delivered that afternoon . We finally went out to lunch and then returned home so Carol could put up her new clothing and I could clean out the room to make room for the new furniture when it arrived . After she had her bedroom set up the way she wanted , she surprised me by insisting on cooking me dinner . She surprised me with her cooking skills and we had a wonderful dinner . She went and took a shower after the dishes were cleaned , but I did not hear the lock on the door click . She came out in a new oversized tee shirt but instead of sitting down in the chair she sat next to me on the couch to watch TV . She asked me if she could watch a movie and I told her ok , so she browsed thru my collection and pick a Halloween movie from my collection . As the movie got to the scary parts she slid real close to me on the couch and squeezed my hand . When a murder took place sometimes she would hide her face in my chest . At the end of the movie I turned the TV off and told her it was time for bed . Again she chased me down hugged and kissed my cheek and told me thank you for all the things I bought her , I told her that nothing was too good for my girl and she squealed and hugged me harder and gave me another kiss , before going to her room , I did not hear the lock click . As days and weeks past , we grew closer , she took to helping me keep the house clean without me asking her to , so I started giving her a weekly allowance to spend as she wanted . We had dinner at least once a week at the diner where her mom worked , and while her mom still had bruises they did not seem as bad . Things were going great , too good to last , as on a Friday after school , her stepfather followed her almost to my store . She did a dumb thing and took a short cut thru an alley and that is where he caught her . He was drunk as usual and pushed her up against a wall , groped her and was fumbling with his zipper when she kneed him in the groin and ran away . When she ran into the store I could tell something bad had happened . She ran straight back to my office , and I ran back after her . When I got in there I could see the red marks on her face where he had slapped her , she was crying and her clothes were torn in places . I took her in my arms and calmed her down enough for her to tell me what had happened . He had pushed her up against the wall of the alley and slapped her to keep her quiet , and told her he wanted to have sex with her , that if she had given him some pussy that maybe he would have bought her some new clothes . But no she thought she was too good for him . He was groping her and tearing her clothes and when he went for his zipper she had kneed him in the balls and ran away . This put me into a blind rage ; I sat her in the desk chair and told her to stay there until I got back . She begged me not to go out after him , but I ignored her and went anyway . I found him still in the alley drunk and half conscious still holding his balls . I do not know where I got it but suddenly there was an old piece of lumber in my hands and I was swinging it beating him in the head and body with it . When I finally came to my senses he was a mass of blood and laying still , I tossed the lumber to the side and leaned down to check his breathing , I thought I had killed him . He was still breathing but it was shallow and labored , so I left and called the police from a pay phone on my way back to the store . When I got back I went directly to my office , Carol was still sitting where I told her to and she looked at me , my clothes had spatters of blood on them . I told her I was all right and grabbed my spare clothes from the locker , went to the men 's room and cleaned up and changed into the clean clothes . I went back to the office and explained to Carol what I had done and told her she must never tell anyone . I took my girl home and put her to bed after she showered and changed into her tee shirt . I myself took a long hot shower and went to bed also , as I was emotionally drained . It was that night while I was in a restless sleep I suddenly woke up to see Carol standing beside my bed crying . I got up and held her in my arms and asked her what was wrong , she told me she had a nightmare about him and was afraid to go back to sleep . I sat down on the side of me bed and she sat next to me , I put my arm around her and tried to calm her down . It was no use ; she was trembling and would not calm down enough to go back to bed . It was then she asked if she could sleep with me tonight , being somewhat shook up myself I agreed not thinking of weather it was proper or not . She got into my bed and I rolled over on my back so she could lay her head on my shoulder , with my arm around her , she finally went off to sleep , and I guess I did too . Sometime during the night she must have rolled over and I must have to , because when I woke up she was laying on her side facing away from me and I was spooning her , my arm around her , my face in her hair , my hand covering her breast and my groin tight against her ass . My hard on was pressed tightly against her ass crack as her tee shirt must have worked it way up above her waist and my hand was trapped by her hand holding me to her breast , I was afraid to move , what if she woke up and found me like this ? I tried to move my hand but all I accomplished was to kneed her breast and make her press her ass back against me . My heart was pounding like a runaway train , all my blood seemed to have drained from my head to lower parts of my body , making it hard to think . I tried to relax and just lay there think about other things , which was almost impossible . So I just stayed as still as I could , and after a while I felt Carol stir and release my hand . I quickly removed it and rolled over so I had my back to her . I felt her get up to go to the bathroom , it was then I jumped up and quickly put on a robe and headed for the kitchen . I made coffee and started toasting bread , for breakfast , when Carol came in I had my back to her and was working the toaster . She quietly moved up behind me and put her arms around my waist and hugged me . I was jumped at her touch , as I did not expect it , and quickly turned to face her . She was still dressed in her night shirt and put her arms around my neck for a hug , then she kissed me , but not our usual peck on the cheek but she kissed me hard on the lips , then drew her head back and looked into my eyes . I just stood there like an idiot , my emotions swinging , and I did not know what to do . On one hand I did not want her to think I was like her stepfather , but on the other hand I did want her . I think she saw the confused look on my face and she just smiled and sat down at the table . I put the plate of toast down and got her a glass of milk , then sat down to read the morning paper . She asked me how I slept last night and a cold streak of fear ran thru my body , did she know ? I calmed down enough to tell her just fine my eyes never leaving the paper , although I could not read it by then . After the toast was gone I excused myself and told her I was going to take my shower now as she had run to the bathroom first . I got up and got some clean clothes and headed for the bathroom . In my state a cold shower would have been more in order but I decided on my usual hot one . As I began to soap up my body I felt a draft and turned to see Carol enter the shower behind me . I almost had a heart attack , and dropped the soap , before I got my voice back enough to ask her what she was doing . She closed the distance between us and pressed her naked body to my back reaching around to hug my waist again . Let me tell you this was a shock , but again I asked her what she thought she was doing , and she told me she wanted me , grinding her body against mine . I tried to tell her that this was wrong , when I felt her hand grasp my now erect cock . Well you know where the blood went and also the thought process , and I turned around to face her , she never let go of my hard cock . I looked down at this beautiful naked girl with her hand stroking my cock , and all I could say is we shouldn 't . She smiled up at me and said she could see I wanted her too , which was kind of evident . I put my arms around her and pulled her tightly to my body , God I wanted her , but I knew it was wrong . I broke the embrace and turned off the shower , stepped out and helped her out of the shower . I grabbed a towel and handed it to her and started drying off with mine , no words passed between us as we each dried ourselves . Carol wrapped the towel around herself and headed out the bathroom door and I kind of followed . Then I noticed she did not go into her bedroom to get dressed as I had thought she would be went into my bedroom . When I went into the bedroom I found her sitting on the side of the bed , towel on the floor , naked and waiting for me . I left my towel around myself and walked over and sat down beside her , it was time we had a talk . I told Carol that while I was flattered that she thought she wanted me , I was old enough to be her father . And while I did admit she aroused me , I was not like her stepfather and could not take advantage of her . She kind of half turned to face me , not bothering to try to hide her beautiful B cup breasts with nipples sticking out like pencil erasers , and smiled at me . She then told me she knew I was not like her stepfather as I had never said anything out of the way to her and never tried to touch her in anyway . She told me she had come out of the bathroom that first night knowing her breast were showing thru her tee shirt to see what I would do . She said all I had ever been to her was kind and asked nothing in return , and that she had fallen in love with me , and she hoped I loved her too . She sat there looking up at me with tears starting to form in her eyes waiting for an answer from me . It was then I realized that I had fallen in love with my girl and there was no deigning it , so I smiled at her and told her I loved her too , as tears of joy broke loose from her eyes . I pulled her to me and tried to kiss away each tear . I had admitted my emotional love to her and now it was time to also admit my physical love for he also . I stood up and removed the towel from around my waist , her eyes never left my erection , as again I sat down beside her , I pulled her to me and kissed her lips with a tenderness I never knew I had , then when she responded to my kiss it turned into a passionate kiss , hard and demanding . I felt her quiver and surrender herself to me , as I eased her back onto the bed . As I lay beside her kissing her my hands finally wondered to her firm young breasts , her nipples like hard pebbles as I massaged them and she moaned into my mouth . My lips started to travel also down her neck to the valley of her breasts , then up each peak until I claimed the prize at the top of each breast , her sweet hard nipples . I licked and sucked and nibbled each one as if it were my last meal on earth and Carol squirmed and moaned , shaking her head from side to side . My right hand had traveled to new territory , and found wetness between her legs . As my fingers parted the slightly fuzzy lips of her wet pussy , Carol thrust her hips up to meet my hand . I teased her wet pussy as my kisses traveled down her stomach to her lovely belly button . My fingers found her clit , and her body jerked like she had been shocked by an electrical charge , her hip rising into the air trying not to loose contact with my fingers . And still I kissed lower , stopping at the top of her mound of light fuzz and kissed around her pussy to the fleshy part of each of her thighs . Then I got my first close up look at her beautiful pussy , covered with a soft downy fur , leaking the nectar of the gods . I could wait no longer as I spread the lips and gazed into heaven , my tongue traveling where my fingers had already been . With her legs on my shoulders trying to squeeze my head I tongued her sweet pussy from her ass hole to her clit lapping up her sweet nectar . Then my tongue found her erect clit , I licked and sucked and nibbled her clit much like I had done her nipples , and I felt her shudder in her first orgasm from a man , and lowered my mouth to catch it all . She flooded my mouth with her cum and I drank down every drop , sucking her love tunnel for more . It was then I plunged my tongue deep into her very being and found to my surprise her virginity was intact . I tongue fucked her sweet pussy bring her to another orgasm before releasing her from my mouth . I removed her legs from around my neck , and they limply dropped on the bed . I moved up on the bed hovering over her looking at her smiling face , I dropped down to kiss her lips letting her taste her juices on my lips . My hard cock was trapped between our bodies and I felt her hand trying to find it . I raised my body slightly to give her access and she grabbed my cock and tried to move it into position at her love tunnel . I looked down at her and asked if she was sure and she smiled up and me and whispered make love to me now please . How could I refuse , as she positioned my cock at the entrance to her hot wet pussy , I started applying gentle pressure . Soon I felt the head slip in to her moist tight cavern , she grave a little grunt at the entrance of the head of my cock , so I waited until she got used to the feel before continuing to add pressure . Now I am not what you would call too well endowed but my six inches must have felt like a telephone pole trying to enter her untouched sex . After a few minutes I started applying pressure again and even though she was well lubricated it was still slow going , as I resisted the urge to just plunge ahead and bury my cock into her virgin pussy . After getting about two inches in I felt the barrier that kept her from being a woman , and I eased back a little and started slow in and out motions , letting her feel the act of making love and getting her better lubricated . After a minute or two of this I pulled almost all the way out of her and plunged in tearing away her innocents , and planting my cock all the way into her tight pussy . She let out a sharp cry and tears formed in her eyes , but I stayed still and kissed away her tears letting her know it was over , she was now my woman . I could feel her pussy tighten an let go of my cock , and after a while I started gently pulling back and pushing back in . Soon I could tell by the way she was thrusting her hips up to me my downward motions that the pain must have subsided . I started pounding her pussy like there was no tomorrow and she met me thrust for thrust . I know she had several orgasms as I felt her spasm around my cock , and it was not long before I was pumping rope after rope of my hot cum into her newly opened pussy . I called out her name as I planted the last of my seed into her , and collapsed upon her in an exhausted heap . I knew I loved Carol and now she was mine , I was so happy that she loved me too . I rolled off of her and pulled her into my arms cuddling her and kissing her and telling her how much I loved her . We fell asleep tangled in each other 's arms . The next morning I awoke to the wonderful sensation of having my cock sucked by my beautiful girl . After she swallow about a gallon of my cum , I pulled her up and returned the favor bring her to several orgasms . Then we got up and showered together , slowly washing each other 's body and play and teasing the sensitive parts . We dried off and went to the kitchen ate breakfast naked and returned to bed . God we made love all day , slowly enjoying each other . We got up and got dressed and went out to dinner , came back home and made love again . Sleeping soundly in each other 's arms again . Ready for part 2 - - - let me know if you want me to post it - - - all replies and comments welcome . |
Name : zelda1 I live in a small town and enjoy writing about the inhabitants . I spend most of my time perusing through used book stores looking for that one great book that I don 't have ; consequently , I have rooms filled with books . I am a book addict . Wal - Mart is like the workhouses of Victorian England . I am sure , I have friends who work there and see what they go through . They work eight hours , get paid barely minimal wage , and their pay is so low , they can 't afford insurance for their children . They get food stamps to subsidize their low pay , live in federally funded houses , and their children get Medicaid . So , how long is the government going to subsidize Wal - Mart employees so the cooperate execs can continue to make billions , pay their employees pennies , and we make up the difference ? My neighbors fight . On both sides , they fight . The heterosexual couple in townhouse 2 fight over his drinking , I hear it and see it and so does their baby . I want to interfere but don 't . She kicks him out , he stands in the parking lot howling , she yells , the baby cries , he goes back inside , and they have make - up sex . They are young and hopefully will learn better foreplay techniques . I never see marks on either one of them , or at least nothing on the face or arms . The marks on the baby , however , are starting to show . He cries all the time and wants his mother to hold him constantly . He is afraid . She brought him over for me to look at and says she thinks he is sick . I look at him and tell her he looks fine , she says he cries all the time ; I say maybe he is reacting to you and your husband . She says yeah , we get a little loud . I say it will cause him emotional scars . She hasn 't spoken to me since . The couple in townhouse four are gay men around my age ; although , the one guy looks to be a decade younger . They have a fifteen - year - old son . The boy is sweet , and when I bake cookies , I give half of them to him . He is always all gothed out and thinks he looks scary or mysterious , but I 've had teenagers and I know it 's a part of their life , not the gothic stuff , but being different . But his parents are in need of couple 's counseling . The younger doesn 't work , the older works two jobs . What little time they spend together is spent fighting or smoking cigarettes talking about fighting , I am not nosy , they are just real loud . Their son , hides in the back of their truck watching the stars . I say to him , what do you see , he names the constellations that he knows , I give him an astrology book , he says way cool . The younger of the two lovers wants to be my friend , he , I think , sees us as mutual in relationships , the stay at home , housecleaning part of the relationship . He asked me about floor cleaner , I say Lysol or bleach . He asks me why I am going to school , and I say to learn , and he says why put myself through alposted by zelda1 | 6 : 28 AM I can 't believe that I am finally feeling better . Tuesday night , I thought that I was going to die , and today I can breathe and go up and down the stairs without passing out . Yesterday and today , I have been playing catch - up on my reading and wishing Mr . Zelda would do the dishes and clean the floor . I know he sees the mess piling higher and higher with each bowl of soup , yet he has makes no attempt to remedy the problem . I say maybe you should fill the dishwasher and clean the floor , and he says when you go to bed , and so I think yeah , and when I wake up , sink still full of dishes but two more bowls are added and lots of milk glasses . There was even a banana peeling in the floor , and I 'm thinking didn 't he know he dropped it , and so I bend over to pick it up and my head swims . I am resisting the urge to ask him why he is not doing the work , but I know it will make him defensive , and I don 't want to do that , so the alternative is for me to just let the dishes pile and when I am well enough , I will clean house . Is that the right thing to do ? , and am I letting him off the hook ? Shit , I am still too weak to worry about domestic chores and really if he just keeps the mess in the kitchen , I 'll be fine . My plan , I will not do the dishes , not even when I am well . I will just hope he sees the need to step up to the sink . I wonder if all men are like this and if so why ? Life is good , well it will be when I am completely recovered from my illness , not the mental one , but the physical one , the pneumonia / strep infection . It 's curious being sick with an infection that can kill and does kill every day and knowing or feeling confident that I am going to be okay . Antibiotics , they are the cure for everything and not so long ago they didn 't exists and people died from bad teeth , a sore on their hand , well anything where the little colonies of bacteria overtook an organ , causing dysfunction and moving on to the blood causing sepsis and so on and so on . Can you imagine what would happen if the antibiotics were outlawed ? Well , I for one would die , because I get pneumonia at least once a year , sometimes twice ; I have really bad lungs from polio and from asthma and from a chain - smoking Mama . So , I would die . Not that we have any fear of the antibiotic going anywhere , but the thought occurred to me , when I entered the emergency room and my husband displayed our insurance card , my Medicare card , and he was willing to pay whatever those two didn 't , right there on the spot , what if we were dirt poor and had no insurance , no money , no nothing . I was dying , or so we both thought , and I think I was close to death . What would the hospital have done ? More than likely humiliated me , given me a not so close check up , and home with a prescription . I had means so they were really good to me , ran every test , gave me breathing treatments , IV antibiotics and fluids , talked kindly to me and held my hand . The doctor even came in and sat on the bed and patted my leg , talking about my lungs and telling my husband that I was going to be fine . They even offered me something to drink , and my husband something . They were so kind . But what about those men and women who don 't have insurance or Medicare or Medicaid or another means of paying an expensive hospital bill , what happens to them ? In the ER were several signs in two languages that said they would treat life - threatening illnesses but that was it , unleposted by zelda1 | 8 : 17 AM I have strep throat , and if that isn 't bad enough , I went to the emergency room and my oxygen saturation was 93 , which isn 't terrible but isn 't great either . They did an x - ray of my chest and I have pneumonia in both lower lobes . Next came the blood work which took five sticks , an IV and IV antibiotics , a breathing treatment and a little hint that I should stay in the hospital overnight . No way , I say . Shit , I swear , other that a little shortness of breath and fever , I had no other symptoms and because of my asthma , I am always intoned to my lungs . The ER doc said I had probably had it for a while . Well that explains the miserable state that I have been in lately . Sooo , I am grounded from school , from work , from school , and it sucks . The doc said for me not to even entertain an idea of school until Monday and maybe not then . I am fucked . Graduate school and missing one week right here at the last mile . I don 't think I can get any more depressed than I am now . My lungs hurt , my back hurts , my neck hurts , and my feelings are hurt . Someone , who was sick , didn 't use good hand washing and because of that , I am paying the price . I will go back to school with an arsenal of antibacterials and will not let those nasty germs enter my body again . God , I 'm depressed . Seriously , I am thinking about wrapping the scarf around my head and around my mouth . That way , I am at least putting up a little defense . My son is such an angel . When I talk to him , I realize that I did everything just right . He is thoughtful of other people 's feelings , and he has such compassion that he collected shoes and coats for the prisoners in a small town jail . He is in school and works at as a dispatcher for the local law enforcement , EMT , and Fire agencies . He tells me such sad stories , stories about domestic abuse , children calling in with such sad stories , and it really breaks his heart . He told me he never understood why I didn 't stay with their father , but then he said that he knows now why I did it and is thankful that he wasn 't raised like those little kids who call in crying , telling him their dad is drunk and is beating up their mom or their older brother or sister . He says they , the children , whisper into the phone , and he talks to them until the cops arrive , and sometimes the cops have a hard time getting the child to release the phone . He knows that his father was abusive , not something I told him when he was a child , but years later his father made a statement that he might have been a little rough on me . He was defending what he thought I had already told the kids about . So , both of my children asked , and I decided to tell them the truth . I wanted to tell them what a fucktard their father was , how he was mean , a drunk , and cruel , and how his anger put me in the hospital months before my son was born , how he forgot to pick me up after my son was born , and he didn 't even show up during the labor and delivery . But , I didn 't , instead , I said that he had problems , and the alcohol turned him into a man without control , and that 's why I left him . I didn 't elaborate , didn 't have to , my kids are grown up , nearly thirty and they know me well enough to know what I didn 't say . My children never had to call 911 and I wonder , and I know but I wonder why women do that , why do they stay with a man who terrorizes their children , forget what the men are doing to the women , but look what it does to the kids . I left when I sawposted by zelda1 | 5 : 18 AM Okay , I 'm telling my secret . I hate to do this , but I must . I am addicted to reality television . Not all programs , but I am addicted to Survivor . Every episode , I rush upstairs , with popcorn and diet soda , and I anxiously await the program . I never move from the program , no phone calls , no visitors , nothing , I watch the people struggle to stay on the island . I laugh when they fail , I jeer at the ones I don 't like , and I hope that the bullies get voted off . Yep , I am an active participate and even ordered me a buff like they wear . I am planning on tying it to my backpack for the world to see that I , unlike many others , am not a closet reality TV nut . Other than that , I only watch CSI , Cold Case , and Law and Order SVU . That 's it , well I do watch the cooking shows , and I love to watch 30 - minute meals and Emeril . I think the cooking shows amaze me , especially the way they slice and dice . Every so often , I get inspired by one of their shows and run out and fill my refrigerator with raw vegetables , just so I can slice and dice with the big knife that I had to have on the perfect cutting board that I had to have and sauté them in the big wok that I had to have . It 's fun , well fun for about a minute , then when I realize , again , there will be a big mess and lots of left overs , I wish that I had read Moby instead of watched Racheal . So now you know my little secret . Not too bad . It could be worse ; I could have said that I am a closet soap opera viewer . I 'm not , I swear , I never watch those brain fragmenting programs . They , the surgeons , have removed all removable parts - well I do have two kidneys , an entire liver , and a spleen left . I suppose they could remove those but I don 't have an appendix , tonsils , gallbladder , part of my pancreas , cartilage covering my big joints , reproductive organs , nor do I have my wisdom teeth . So , as it seems , I am free of all the unnecessary parts but alas , the doctors have started adding parts , like , well there 's the stainless steel knee joint on my right knee , I have some bought teeth that came after the drunk driver ran me down like a mad dog , I have not just glasses with bifocals but trifocals and I 'm thinking , if they make them quad focal , the latest addition to my badly deteriorating body , hearing aides . Yep , I am stone deaf , or so I think , and will probably have hearing aides before thanksgiving . My friend 's grandsons , triplets , all wear hearing aides , and they have these beautifully colored ones , I am hoping they offer those to adults . I want hot pink . If I have to plug things in my ears , I want them to look happy . So getting old , well it has its perks for sure , but it sure does have its downside too and I 'd have to say the loss of hearing and eyesight is a downer . In the days when I was young and hip , I 'd say , " no , shit a real bummer . " The nightmares are killing me . Last night , I dreamed there was a small creek that crossed the road , that would be a ford , and my grandson and I were going to walk through it , but we knew there were alligators lurking . My grandson takes off through the water , and I run after , and I can feel the alligators tough skin and know that if they come out of the water they will bite us , and I push my grandson onto the dry land and tell him to run , and just as I get to the edge of the water something grabs me and pulls me back in , and I scream and my grandson comes back , and I 'm tell him to run and then and then I wake up . Mr . Zelda says what 's wrong and I say bad dream and he says go back to sleep and I say where were you when I was getting attacked by gators and he says on the beach watching babes in thongs and I try to hit him with my crippled up hands and he laughs and I say go back to sleep but don 't go into the water . I wanted to get a car with an initial like my friend who has a car that has the letter X or Z or something . Then I could have said the X and everyone would know what I was talking about . I got a ford and while it has a Z in its name , ford something something Z , I just say the new little car . That is what it will be from here on out . Like the truck is the truck and the old car is the old car and the white car was the white car . I mean , when car makers give the cars names , do they intend for that car to forever be referred to as a Z or an X , even when the car is past it 's prime ? Is it still cool ? One of my writer group friends has a pretty yellowish car and it 's a Jaguar and she refers to it as the Jag and I didn 't know what a Jag was or the prestige that went alone with having that kind of car until she picked me up at school . I was sitting on a bench and she pulls up and about ten people , who were standing around me , said , almost at the same time , wow look at that Jag . That 's how I knew it was my friend , and I said , oh that 's my ride . It 's really funny how people put so much stock in the popularity of their car . I had an older friend , much older than I , and she was what I would refer to as trailer park trash , but I liked her so much . She had this old worn out towncar , and she always referred to it as the town car . I don 't know , I guess if you have nothing and get something , even if that something is really old , you are going to be happy to express your love for that something . My point to this madness is that an old man , who sits in the union trying to cruise for chicks , says to a younger nontraditional student that he has an MG , and I 'm thinking a movie so I listen and she says really and he says yeah wanna go for a ride sometimes and she says yeah and he says cool and I 'm thinking fuck what are they 15 ? I wonder if she went for a ride and if he had as much trouble getting into and out of the MG as he had getting up and down the stairs . Is it really worth the pain ? I am driving the new car . We got it for Mr . Zelda but I am kind of liking it more than the truck . I mean it is so easy to turn around and park and all of that . So every day he says , did you show off the car ? I say , no . He says why not . I say , why would I ? I mean people see me driving it and what more is there ? Well , I know what he is talking about after watching him yesterday show off the new car . Mr . Zelda and the men from the apartments where we live , by the way , most of those men are hunters and gatherers and beer drinkers so out of Mr . Zelda 's element . He went to get his book of Robert Frost 's poetry when the men folk accosted him . . They all gather and are looking at the car , they look inside the trunk , and they remark about the little latch that keeps you from getting locked inside , and they talk about the room , and they look at the tires again , and then they look inside the car , and he shows them the map light and the sunglass holder and the little compartment we haven 't figured out yet and how he can manipulate the radio with the steering wheel and the size of that glove box . Wow ! They look at the motor and talk about gas mileage , and they discuss oils and windshield cleaner , and then he comes in and sees me smiling at him . What he says , and I say what was that , and he says what , and I say the going over the car with the village hunters , and he says I was showing off the car . So there you have it , showing off the car is actually giving someone the grand tour . It 's like showing off the new purse or the new jacket or the new backpack , same thing but only for a car . Now I get it . I wasn 't always a fan , I mean , I didn 't see Lonesome Dove the first time it came out , but I did buy the book and after reading it from front to back almost in one sitting , I rented the movie and fell in love with Gus . I watch it every year on my birthday . Funny . He can switch points of view in mid paragraph and not confuse the reader . He is the master . McMurtry is the all time expert on writing in the omni pov and in creating these characters that you never forget . He has their dialect , their description , and their thoughts done in such a way that they are so real . I especially love his historical novels that border on creative non - fiction . I think one of my favorites is the Buffalo Girls . I attend a writer 's conference every year , well did until I started graduate school , but the town where he lives is only a couple of hours away so I go there and can stalk him . He is , according to my friend , one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet . Hopefully , I will find out for myself real soon . Mr . Zelda and I took the new car out for a drive . We drove through the mountains over to Harrison . I wanted to look for cretaceous fossils . They are abundant in the White River , but since I am not physically able to hike down to the river and wade in the shallow water and dig for them , I find the rock shops , which are everywhere . At the shop where we stopped , a woman had just brought a truck full of rocks , and everyone was a cretaceous fossil . I got four really good rocks filled with mollusks and crinoids , and I think one of those is a pink coral type rock with three different shells . I am going to research it today . It is awesome , plus I got some white rose or selenite from Arizona and a piece of black and white marble that I bought just because they were both pretty . My husband and I are going to go back and comb the White River , we found a really simple place with easy access and the water is very shallow . So , I am going back to get one from the river just so I can point to it and say that I got it myself . Kind of like the crystals . We go to Hot Springs to the mines and I am unable to go inside but this year , I am going in and I am going to mine my own crystal . Besides the mines are beautiful . I almost forgot , we also got a lily pad shale from the coal mines in Pennsylvania . The woman , who ran the rock shop , bought about ten from a rock hound who came down to buy up crystal . While on our drive , we saw a big fat beaver sitting on the side of the road . At first I thought he was a raccoon until I slowed down and got a really good look and yep , big fat beaver . Mr . Zelda , knowing how much I love animals , says let 's stop and I 'll make me a new hat . Of course he was teasing . The eagles must already have taken off to warmer cliffs because I searched and searched and didn 't see a single one . I did , however , see a lot of hawks . We stopped at a little country store and some men , who had been deer hunting , told about seeing a herd of elk . That 's nice , since they were all killed out and have only recently been put baposted by zelda1 | 6 : 27 AM My husband and I are going for a drive through the mountains . I am not so sure it is a good idea with my new blood pressure medicine making me so weak but we decided to take a ride , find a park , and sit and read in the park surrounded by turning trees and if we are real lucky , we might see an Eagle or even a brown bear . The last time we went for a drive , I saw a mountain lion and it was sitting on a huge rock surveying its territory . I loved it and wanted to get out of the car and take a picture but I know how foolish that would have been and I am glad that I didn 't get out because not long after we got there she walked away and two little kittens followed her . On that same trip , we parked on the side of the road near a low water bridge and waited and waited and hoped that we would see a road runner that had raced down the road with us and we wanted to see if it would come back out of the brush . A huge deer came out , though , and drank from the water . We were so close and I know he knew our car was human and dangerous but he didn 't seem to mind . In fact , he stared at us for a long minute and then walked off . Most of what we see are deer and birds , and beavers , and squirrels , and the like . But sometimes , we get a really rare treat and see coyotes and wolfs and mountain lions and owls and turkeys , things like that . It is so nice and I can 't wait to get started . Maybe we can get pictures and if I can figure out how to put it on here , I will put them in the computer and on this site . Life is good , but life with nature is so much better . I used to run wild . It was a different time and place and children left the house early in the morning and didn 't come home until we were hungry or being called . For me , I came home in the evening , the rest of the time , my little sister and I walked the railroad tracks to the library , and I carried a sack lunch of peanut butter , commodity peanut butter , sandwiches in a brown sack , and that is where we stayed until it closed and then from there we climbed the rock dump where I read to her or sang to her or made up stories for her . We looked for fossils in the millions year old rock unearthed by the coalminers ' search for coal . Sometimes we found coal and we put it in a sack and took it home for our grandmother , who burned coal . There was a black man who walked the tracks to go to town and he always spoke to us and we would hide . It was in the late fifties and early sixties and unfortunately for me , my mother told us horrible things about African Americans . When he passed by , we would run the other direction . By dark , we were home and our mom was just pulling the cornbread out of the oven . I tried to sneak my books into my bedroom . But she always saw them ; the ones that I checked out , the ones that the librarian gave me for helping her mend the spines of the books and the ones that she gave me new , all books that I cherished and would read over and over . " Don 't know why you waste your time reading them books , " Mom would say . All the while , my brother 's nose was two inches from the television . But that wasn 't a waste of time . Now , I have so many books that I don 't have enough space on the shelves . I am a book addict , I confess . I cannot drive past a bookstore , I must stop and at least buy one or two books and when I order from Amazon , it costs me no less than a hundred dollars and I buy used . The ironic thing about my childhood , the lack of encouragement and sometimes forbiddance of me reading books and the bigotry and prejudicial way my mom spoke about African Americans , well , now I read and read andposted by zelda1 | 4 : 57 AM I am bi - polar , the day I was diagnosed it was called manic depression , and I was diagnosed after one of my manic episodes . I will never forget finally getting a name for all the weird things that had been happening to me . I was 26 and had been doing really bizarre things like , writing hot checks and not caring that I was writing them and not even needing the things I bought and feeling so high and not sleeping and it kept going and going and then one day the bottom of my world fell out and I crashed . I couldn 't get out of bed . My two children were just barely beyond potty training and they stayed in bed with me , playing with their toys , eating their peanut butter sandwiches that I forced myself to make . I did get out of bed for group baths with them and new pajamas and back to bed and then I started crying and wanted to die but I couldn 't die because who would take care of my children and then I thought we could all die and it clicked , call the doctor and I did and his nurse came and got me and my children and took us to the office , good doctor , and he talked to me and I was crying so hard and he gave me medicine and made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrists and they called my friend , a good friend who came and got my kids and me and took us home and took care of me until I saw the doctor and got used to the medicine . I was lucky . Real lucky because there are women who actually do kill commit murder suicide because of such hopelessness . I was so close to dying and taking my kids with me . First and last time I ever got so depressed that life for my children was not important . So they gave me medicine and I have been on it ever since - well not the same but at least being treated . By the way , my children had a happy childhood in spite of my bi - polar . I stayed alert to the changes in my mental status and when I began to get too high or too low , I called my doctor . Now , or so I 've been told , being bi - polar is trendy and the disease to have ; it 's like the crazy artists disease . Wow , for the first time posted by zelda1 | 4 : 40 PM I was raised poor . My mother had ten children , and by the time I was born she already had grandchildren , grandchildren that she raised off and on . I know what it 's like to do without , to be cold , to be hungry , to feel invisible , and to suffer the disdain of teachers who judged me from where I came and not what I knew . I remember going to school without shoes and wishing for cold weather so Mama would buy me a pair . I also remember the sacks and sacks of clothes that came from my Aunt , clothes that I tried to wear but her daughter was a giant and I wasn 't , so those clothes went to my older sisters and not me . I also remember other things , things like going to school without my lunch money and telling the teacher that I forgot it and her saying that if I didn 't pay soon , I was not going to get to eat . I remember not having the money to pay for pencils or paper and I remember never getting invited to join the girl scouts or go home with the other girls for birthday parties . But what I remember mostly is my third grade teacher , Mrs . Thompson , hating me so much , and I not knowing why . I still don 't , I have an idea it was because of my mother 's boyfriend and her living arrangements and in the 60s that was a disgrace and unfortunately for me that teacher took my mom 's mistakes out on me . One day , after a class party , I was really happy , we had sugar cookies with frosting , and the homeroom mother gave us all extra , and I wrapped mine in a napkin to take home to my little sister . I always felt guilty if I had something that she didn 't get , so this time she was going to get a cookie too . Anyway , we were standing in line waiting and the homeroom mother and my teacher were standing talking , and they were talking about me and they were not whispering . " She doesn 't buy those kids shoes , " I heard my teacher say . I looked down at my dirty feet and wished they would just disappear . I wished they would melt and I wanted them gone and I wanted to hide and I wanted to cry but I wouldn 't cry . The home room motherposted by zelda1 | 12 : 50 PM Hmmm first sip of my first cup of dark coffee . Everyday it is like a new experience , I expect that is how drug addicts feel . I think about coffee before I go to sleep and worry about coffee during the week . Do I have enough ? Will they always grow and harvest coffee ? What was life like without coffee beans ? Oh the questions I ponder while looking into the early early morning and waiting for the sun to come out . My mom , when I was a kid , let me drink her left over coffee . After all the kids were off to school , and I was the only one home , she would pour her cup half full of coffee and half full of milk and a lot of sugar and while I ate my oatmeal , I would drink her coffee . I suppose that is one of my snuggly memories of my childhood . I don 't remember her saying a lot , but I do remember her pouring the milk into the cup and putting sugar in the coffee / milk mixture and handing it to me with a warning to be careful . I also remember her washing the dishes and sometimes I heard her sniffle and saw her wipe away tears . I wonder what made her so unhappy . We were debt free . We paid the truck off , and had the title free and clear . No more big debt , I thought . Well not actually debt free , but no car payments . Truck paid for and then we bought another . It 's new and shinny and has that new smell and only five miles and we like it but we now have big car payments . Too big . I don 't like this but with all the driving Mr . Zelda does we needed fuel economy . So we bought a little car that has great mileage . In the meantime , I will struggle through graduate school , and he will struggle through undergraduate school , and hopefully we can make ends meet . I just hope for a balanced checkbook at the end of the month . This is the first new car I have had in years . The truck was new but it was his before we were married , I always bought my sister 's hand - me - downs , good cars but never new . I 'm still waiting on my new bed . I wonder if I will get it ? I sure had my sights set on that sleigh bed , cherry wood , nice firm mattress , but hey , it will be okay . I can wait . What 's important is the gas efficiency . If I keep telling myself , I might just believe it . Today , I had to go to the doctor , not because I was sick , but because I had to have my six - month check - up to get my blood pressure medicine . So I get there and find out the nurse , who has worked there for years , quit and they have this gum popping , cigarettes smelly , brown roots showing , woman taking her place . She tried one time to take my blood pressure and couldn 't hear it and that was it . That was it ! So , the doctor comes and takes it and I tell him his cuffs are not working , it 's the bladder , I say , they are not working right . I tell him , the cuffs should be replaced every few years , and that there is no way to get an accurate reading with his old equipment . I said it , I did . Next thing , my husband and I are sitting there waiting and in runs some kid , the nurse 's grandchild , come to visit her , and he is running around . Normally I am good with kids , they love me , but not when I am sitting in a paper gown that is two sizes too small and my breasts are somewhere between here and there and in pops this kid , who , by the way , had way too much sugar and was running wild . I try to cover up and he knocks over the aluminum tray that was holding cotton balls and tongue blades and the stupid nurse put them back , put them back , as if they were clean . I say oh no , those are way too dirty , in the trash they go . She says , they don 't use them for sterile technique and I say , I don 't want a tongue blade that has been in this floor in my mouth , and she rolls her eyes and drops them in the trash , and I break them to make sure . I tell the doctor his nurse smells , pops her gum , has a loud grandchild , and broke clean technique . He says she is a temp . and I say get rid of her . He says you 're right . I say of course . I hope Joyce comes back . I told him to call and beg her to come back . He says he tried . He gives me my prescription and I say see ya in six months . He says okay . I have night terrors . What happens is , I wake up from a sound sleep paralyzed . I can 't move , can 't scream , and something horrible is happening or about to happen . The truth is , I am still asleep , and when I finally am able to wake myself up , I am still , for a few minutes , paralyzed . I scream for my husband , my son , my daughter , who ever is in the house , and they all run to my room and I tell them the terror and they check my closet , under my bed , and my window and assure me , I am okay . It 's been like that my entire life , well since I was nine . I don 't always talk about it , but sometimes , I write about it and when I write I put it away in a folder called secret . It was secret even when I was nine and writing on paper sacks tied together with strings and hidden in the back of my closet , then when I was older , in my diary , then in my journals , and now here it is about to be on my blog . Don 't judge me , don 't think I 'm telling my secrets for the world to see , but I am , my psychiatrists thinks if I talk about it , the terrors will go away . I hope he is right . I was nine and my mom , well she was working late at the truck stop . She was a waitress . I was in charge of my younger sister , who was five . We fell asleep while watching a western , on the sofa , in the living room . Our front door wasn 't locked , had no locks . It was really late , the television was off , that 's what I remember most , the television making that sound it made when the television station went to bed . I woke up and my mom 's boyfriend was carrying me to bed and I thought how nice of him and he put me in bed and I thought he was going to get my little sister , I had already gone back to sleep , then he did it . He raped me . When he left , I got out of bed and blood was everywhere , but I had to get to my sister and make sure she was okay and that he hadn 't hurt her too . I woke her and made her go with me to the bathroom and I left a trail of blood . I found a towel and tried to wipe the blood up off the floor , it was new bought just that day aposted by zelda1 | 12 : 18 PM I always tell everyone that I am so lucky because at fifty , I can get any kind of get high that I want . No seriously , I go to the doc and say , I am depressed , which I am , but he gives me really cool drugs and when I tell him I need to feel a little mellow like when I was smoking pot , back before my asthma said no more , he gives me really good drugs , so that I can take it , it 's legal and I am seeing life through a different lens and growing old , well it 's not so bad . I am not anxious , depressed , manic , or any of those other things that young people sometimes experience and consequently use a lot of illegal drugs to remedy . Ha , you may have nice breasts , a tiny waist , and good skin , but by gods I have the legal dope and I have cheap insurance , and I can wear what ever the fuck I want and no one judges me to be in style . I am so over that . But , I am not young . I wonder , which is better . Maybe , the youth thing is highly overrated but then again , when I was young , oh the things I could do . For instance , now I have sore wrists for no apparent reason , back then it was Atari wrists and Pac man hand . My fellow nurses laughed at me , of course they were older , when I complained about my wrists hurting and they said , did you play tennis and I said no , river raid . Anyway , growing old does have its advantages and if I really want those perky breasts again , I can buy them , well if I get any money . And the waist thing , well hell , I don 't want a skinny waist . I am thinking the Renaissance period 's woman is going to be what we are all reinvented into . Big butts , thighs , and bellies . Yep , then I will be so hot . But , that is an oxymoron , being old and hot . Well , hot as in hot flash but not the other hot and I am so rambling and so needing to study Latin . . Okay , the end . Sometimes , I wish that I were so rich that I never had to worry about money again . Well , that is pretty much all the time and since I am not ever going to be rich , I know this , have resolved my lot in life , I can only dream . But a few years back , it was when I was in the wheel chair . The docs said it , the chair , was for life and they were wrong , I walk , not well , but I walk . Anyway , I had entered the contest thing where you watch the big ballgame at the end of January and the winner is announced . I was so certain that I was going to win , that I cleaned my house , put on makeup , and practiced my surprise look . So , when the end of the time came and they were announcing the winner , my son , who was like 14 at the time , and I sat on the edge of our seats waiting for that knock . We had already planned on what we were going to buy : a new van so I could transport myself easily , a new house , one with really good carpeting and a huge living room , cool clothes for the kids , and on and on . We saw on the tube where they were driving down a road and I say that doesn 't look like our road and he says no and I say but it could be that they are using last years tapes so that the winner will still be surprised and so I transfer off the sofa onto my wheelchair and I roll to the door waiting and waiting and the knock never came and the 10 million dollars went to some woman in Idaho who had a really nice house and I wondered why the gods or lady luck or someone or thing couldn 't see the injustice of a middle class woman with a nice house , two working legs , and a husband and a new car , winning over me , a poor , poverty stricken woman with two teenagers , and I was in a wheelchair , and needed an electric wheel chair and a car that ran decent so that I could go places without waiting on my sisters to take me , and my son needed new shoes . Where was the justice ? Then I looked through teary eyes at my envelope , the one that brought me the entry form and I realized that I had joined the wrong contest . Laugh on me . Nope , it was still kind ofposted by zelda1 | 5 : 31 AM Okay , I thought I was getting over the wing guilt thing , and now , I am suffering from even more than wing guilt , there is the egg guilt . I shouldn 't have read it , but it was there and so I did . Yep , stack the nest one on top of each other , the top hen shits , it falls on the one underneath and so on until the poor bottom hen , well you can imagine , plus , they , the farmers , cut off their beak tips . They don 't want them , the chicken , to do what is natural and that is to peck . You see , we had chickens and they just ran around in the yard , and at night , when I put corn in their pen , they all ran inside , it was still plenty roomy , and I closed the gate . It kept them from getting eaten by the coyotes and the hawks . When they were out of the pen , and even in the pen , they could scratch the dirt , that 's what they do , scratch for worms and insects . Inside their gizzard , you can find anything , my grandma kept all the doodads that came out of her gizzards , and it included nails , screws , and pennies , what ever they ate . Funny , maybe not healthy but I 'm sure much healthier than living in chicken shit , not moving off your nests , and never getting to scratch or peck . My question , which is rhetorical but if anyone wants to answer feel free , buy why do we let people get by with such cruel behaviors to animals . Are we such pigs that we don 't care ? I know about the chickens and yet , I still succumb to the wings . There is a solution , a place where the animals are raised good and clean and all of that and we are going real soon , but we are sure the meat and eggs and milk will be much more expensive so I 'm thinking we should just eat faceless things . No face , then we won 't eat . After visiting the site http : / / www . factoryfarming . com / fish . htm I have decided that humans are the most barbaric of all the earth and I know because I watch the animal planet and I 've seen lions killing for food , and they do it quickly and for food . The only really gross animal is the hyena and I think the Tyson 's are related or are evolved from posted by zelda1 | 5 : 14 AM I got to school before daylight . I was sitting on a bench , enjoying the cool morning breeze and watching the stars fade - - yep they fade . Anyway , a young girl was on the grass with two large labs . A chocolate , and a blond one , and she was throwing a ball and the blond one ran and caught it and took it to her . It was so exciting watch his agile body jump for the ball , and the chocolate lab took her turn and once she started to wonder off and the girl called her name and she didn 't come so the girl used a firmer tone and the blond lab ran over to the chocolate lab and bit at her legs as if she was scolding the lab for being disobedient . It was a wonderful moment , watching that girl and her dogs . When I got up to go inside , the chocolate lab came and touched my fingers with her nose and I patted her head . She was so cool and sweet and I wanted to get on my knees and scratch her side , but my knees are bad , and I 'm sure the owner wouldn 't have liked me getting too personal with her dogs , and so I walked inside the building . I looked back and the dog was still watching me . I think there are times when animals and humans connect , almost like immediate friendship and that was what we had . I hope they are there tomorrow . I am a rememberer of almost four decades of daily bra usage . I remember the pointy ones , the padded ones , the lacy ones , the wire then plastic supported ones . I remember bras made from fibers that itched , lace that burned and itched , straps the dug , and the support beams that came out the top and stuck me in my chin . I think men designed those horrible first few decades and later , well later they became too thin , again man , so that my nipples were exposed if I didn 't put something between my skin and the bra . So , too much padding , no padding and everything in between but , but , but , I found a delight . A cotton bra that has no lace , no plastic , no metal , no flowers , no tight straps or cups , no lycra or any other gross shiny material . Cotton that has double in the front , no padding or anything but no nipple showage either . They are a true delight and I bought ten . It is the first time since my budding breasts emerged that I have not fought with my underwear . Yep , I am in bra heaven . I look forward to the bra , and get up extra earlier to make sure that the color I pick matches the color of my socks or my shirt . Okay , that 's a little extreme but why the fuck didn 't some one come up with these things when I was younger . I am finally free without actually letting the girls fly solo . What a great feeling . We are looking at beds , new beds . I want a sleigh bed , cherry wood and my husband , well , who knows exactly what he wants . We found the perfect bed and I am so ready to get it but he says let 's shop around . I say there are not that many places to shop and he says yep , let 's go here and there and I say I need to go home and I go home , I don 't like to go here and there , I want to go one place , pick it out , pay the man or woman , give my address , and be done with it . It takes Mr . Zelda at least a week to complete his looking around and finally he will come back and buy the one that I said from the beginning . It 's too weird . By the way , we have been looking at cars for about three months now and I just don 't see any speed in the process and if we don 't get a new one soon , he , Mr . Zelda , will be walking because he is driving my truck and I am driving my sister 's 90 year - old mother - in - law 's car that she drove around and around her house , forgetting how to stop until finally she ran it into the living room . It isn 't ruined and is fine , a one owner car with less than 50000 miles and it 's one of those huge cars from the mid 80s but , but , but , it 's huge and I want my little truck back . I want him to buy a car and let me have my truck so I can drive like and park with ease not from the end of a huge car that I cannot park except if there are no other cars on the street . See , I am getting upset , I have to think , WWBD , ahhh he would say , let us not fight but let us get a long and forget the cars and walk so as not to run over the little insects on the street and why do you need to pollute the air and he would be so right . Maybe the bed thing is wrong and we should just sleep on a mat in the floor . Maybe . |
Name : zelda1 I live in a small town and enjoy writing about the inhabitants . I spend most of my time perusing through used book stores looking for that one great book that I don 't have ; consequently , I have rooms filled with books . I am a book addict . Wal - Mart is like the workhouses of Victorian England . I am sure , I have friends who work there and see what they go through . They work eight hours , get paid barely minimal wage , and their pay is so low , they can 't afford insurance for their children . They get food stamps to subsidize their low pay , live in federally funded houses , and their children get Medicaid . So , how long is the government going to subsidize Wal - Mart employees so the cooperate execs can continue to make billions , pay their employees pennies , and we make up the difference ? My neighbors fight . On both sides , they fight . The heterosexual couple in townhouse 2 fight over his drinking , I hear it and see it and so does their baby . I want to interfere but don 't . She kicks him out , he stands in the parking lot howling , she yells , the baby cries , he goes back inside , and they have make - up sex . They are young and hopefully will learn better foreplay techniques . I never see marks on either one of them , or at least nothing on the face or arms . The marks on the baby , however , are starting to show . He cries all the time and wants his mother to hold him constantly . He is afraid . She brought him over for me to look at and says she thinks he is sick . I look at him and tell her he looks fine , she says he cries all the time ; I say maybe he is reacting to you and your husband . She says yeah , we get a little loud . I say it will cause him emotional scars . She hasn 't spoken to me since . The couple in townhouse four are gay men around my age ; although , the one guy looks to be a decade younger . They have a fifteen - year - old son . The boy is sweet , and when I bake cookies , I give half of them to him . He is always all gothed out and thinks he looks scary or mysterious , but I 've had teenagers and I know it 's a part of their life , not the gothic stuff , but being different . But his parents are in need of couple 's counseling . The younger doesn 't work , the older works two jobs . What little time they spend together is spent fighting or smoking cigarettes talking about fighting , I am not nosy , they are just real loud . Their son , hides in the back of their truck watching the stars . I say to him , what do you see , he names the constellations that he knows , I give him an astrology book , he says way cool . The younger of the two lovers wants to be my friend , he , I think , sees us as mutual in relationships , the stay at home , housecleaning part of the relationship . He asked me about floor cleaner , I say Lysol or bleach . He asks me why I am going to school , and I say to learn , and he says why put myself through alposted by zelda1 | 6 : 28 AM I can 't believe that I am finally feeling better . Tuesday night , I thought that I was going to die , and today I can breathe and go up and down the stairs without passing out . Yesterday and today , I have been playing catch - up on my reading and wishing Mr . Zelda would do the dishes and clean the floor . I know he sees the mess piling higher and higher with each bowl of soup , yet he has makes no attempt to remedy the problem . I say maybe you should fill the dishwasher and clean the floor , and he says when you go to bed , and so I think yeah , and when I wake up , sink still full of dishes but two more bowls are added and lots of milk glasses . There was even a banana peeling in the floor , and I 'm thinking didn 't he know he dropped it , and so I bend over to pick it up and my head swims . I am resisting the urge to ask him why he is not doing the work , but I know it will make him defensive , and I don 't want to do that , so the alternative is for me to just let the dishes pile and when I am well enough , I will clean house . Is that the right thing to do ? , and am I letting him off the hook ? Shit , I am still too weak to worry about domestic chores and really if he just keeps the mess in the kitchen , I 'll be fine . My plan , I will not do the dishes , not even when I am well . I will just hope he sees the need to step up to the sink . I wonder if all men are like this and if so why ? Life is good , well it will be when I am completely recovered from my illness , not the mental one , but the physical one , the pneumonia / strep infection . It 's curious being sick with an infection that can kill and does kill every day and knowing or feeling confident that I am going to be okay . Antibiotics , they are the cure for everything and not so long ago they didn 't exists and people died from bad teeth , a sore on their hand , well anything where the little colonies of bacteria overtook an organ , causing dysfunction and moving on to the blood causing sepsis and so on and so on . Can you imagine what would happen if the antibiotics were outlawed ? Well , I for one would die , because I get pneumonia at least once a year , sometimes twice ; I have really bad lungs from polio and from asthma and from a chain - smoking Mama . So , I would die . Not that we have any fear of the antibiotic going anywhere , but the thought occurred to me , when I entered the emergency room and my husband displayed our insurance card , my Medicare card , and he was willing to pay whatever those two didn 't , right there on the spot , what if we were dirt poor and had no insurance , no money , no nothing . I was dying , or so we both thought , and I think I was close to death . What would the hospital have done ? More than likely humiliated me , given me a not so close check up , and home with a prescription . I had means so they were really good to me , ran every test , gave me breathing treatments , IV antibiotics and fluids , talked kindly to me and held my hand . The doctor even came in and sat on the bed and patted my leg , talking about my lungs and telling my husband that I was going to be fine . They even offered me something to drink , and my husband something . They were so kind . But what about those men and women who don 't have insurance or Medicare or Medicaid or another means of paying an expensive hospital bill , what happens to them ? In the ER were several signs in two languages that said they would treat life - threatening illnesses but that was it , unleposted by zelda1 | 8 : 17 AM I have strep throat , and if that isn 't bad enough , I went to the emergency room and my oxygen saturation was 93 , which isn 't terrible but isn 't great either . They did an x - ray of my chest and I have pneumonia in both lower lobes . Next came the blood work which took five sticks , an IV and IV antibiotics , a breathing treatment and a little hint that I should stay in the hospital overnight . No way , I say . Shit , I swear , other that a little shortness of breath and fever , I had no other symptoms and because of my asthma , I am always intoned to my lungs . The ER doc said I had probably had it for a while . Well that explains the miserable state that I have been in lately . Sooo , I am grounded from school , from work , from school , and it sucks . The doc said for me not to even entertain an idea of school until Monday and maybe not then . I am fucked . Graduate school and missing one week right here at the last mile . I don 't think I can get any more depressed than I am now . My lungs hurt , my back hurts , my neck hurts , and my feelings are hurt . Someone , who was sick , didn 't use good hand washing and because of that , I am paying the price . I will go back to school with an arsenal of antibacterials and will not let those nasty germs enter my body again . God , I 'm depressed . Seriously , I am thinking about wrapping the scarf around my head and around my mouth . That way , I am at least putting up a little defense . My son is such an angel . When I talk to him , I realize that I did everything just right . He is thoughtful of other people 's feelings , and he has such compassion that he collected shoes and coats for the prisoners in a small town jail . He is in school and works at as a dispatcher for the local law enforcement , EMT , and Fire agencies . He tells me such sad stories , stories about domestic abuse , children calling in with such sad stories , and it really breaks his heart . He told me he never understood why I didn 't stay with their father , but then he said that he knows now why I did it and is thankful that he wasn 't raised like those little kids who call in crying , telling him their dad is drunk and is beating up their mom or their older brother or sister . He says they , the children , whisper into the phone , and he talks to them until the cops arrive , and sometimes the cops have a hard time getting the child to release the phone . He knows that his father was abusive , not something I told him when he was a child , but years later his father made a statement that he might have been a little rough on me . He was defending what he thought I had already told the kids about . So , both of my children asked , and I decided to tell them the truth . I wanted to tell them what a fucktard their father was , how he was mean , a drunk , and cruel , and how his anger put me in the hospital months before my son was born , how he forgot to pick me up after my son was born , and he didn 't even show up during the labor and delivery . But , I didn 't , instead , I said that he had problems , and the alcohol turned him into a man without control , and that 's why I left him . I didn 't elaborate , didn 't have to , my kids are grown up , nearly thirty and they know me well enough to know what I didn 't say . My children never had to call 911 and I wonder , and I know but I wonder why women do that , why do they stay with a man who terrorizes their children , forget what the men are doing to the women , but look what it does to the kids . I left when I sawposted by zelda1 | 5 : 18 AM Okay , I 'm telling my secret . I hate to do this , but I must . I am addicted to reality television . Not all programs , but I am addicted to Survivor . Every episode , I rush upstairs , with popcorn and diet soda , and I anxiously await the program . I never move from the program , no phone calls , no visitors , nothing , I watch the people struggle to stay on the island . I laugh when they fail , I jeer at the ones I don 't like , and I hope that the bullies get voted off . Yep , I am an active participate and even ordered me a buff like they wear . I am planning on tying it to my backpack for the world to see that I , unlike many others , am not a closet reality TV nut . Other than that , I only watch CSI , Cold Case , and Law and Order SVU . That 's it , well I do watch the cooking shows , and I love to watch 30 - minute meals and Emeril . I think the cooking shows amaze me , especially the way they slice and dice . Every so often , I get inspired by one of their shows and run out and fill my refrigerator with raw vegetables , just so I can slice and dice with the big knife that I had to have on the perfect cutting board that I had to have and sauté them in the big wok that I had to have . It 's fun , well fun for about a minute , then when I realize , again , there will be a big mess and lots of left overs , I wish that I had read Moby instead of watched Racheal . So now you know my little secret . Not too bad . It could be worse ; I could have said that I am a closet soap opera viewer . I 'm not , I swear , I never watch those brain fragmenting programs . They , the surgeons , have removed all removable parts - well I do have two kidneys , an entire liver , and a spleen left . I suppose they could remove those but I don 't have an appendix , tonsils , gallbladder , part of my pancreas , cartilage covering my big joints , reproductive organs , nor do I have my wisdom teeth . So , as it seems , I am free of all the unnecessary parts but alas , the doctors have started adding parts , like , well there 's the stainless steel knee joint on my right knee , I have some bought teeth that came after the drunk driver ran me down like a mad dog , I have not just glasses with bifocals but trifocals and I 'm thinking , if they make them quad focal , the latest addition to my badly deteriorating body , hearing aides . Yep , I am stone deaf , or so I think , and will probably have hearing aides before thanksgiving . My friend 's grandsons , triplets , all wear hearing aides , and they have these beautifully colored ones , I am hoping they offer those to adults . I want hot pink . If I have to plug things in my ears , I want them to look happy . So getting old , well it has its perks for sure , but it sure does have its downside too and I 'd have to say the loss of hearing and eyesight is a downer . In the days when I was young and hip , I 'd say , " no , shit a real bummer . " The nightmares are killing me . Last night , I dreamed there was a small creek that crossed the road , that would be a ford , and my grandson and I were going to walk through it , but we knew there were alligators lurking . My grandson takes off through the water , and I run after , and I can feel the alligators tough skin and know that if they come out of the water they will bite us , and I push my grandson onto the dry land and tell him to run , and just as I get to the edge of the water something grabs me and pulls me back in , and I scream and my grandson comes back , and I 'm tell him to run and then and then I wake up . Mr . Zelda says what 's wrong and I say bad dream and he says go back to sleep and I say where were you when I was getting attacked by gators and he says on the beach watching babes in thongs and I try to hit him with my crippled up hands and he laughs and I say go back to sleep but don 't go into the water . I wanted to get a car with an initial like my friend who has a car that has the letter X or Z or something . Then I could have said the X and everyone would know what I was talking about . I got a ford and while it has a Z in its name , ford something something Z , I just say the new little car . That is what it will be from here on out . Like the truck is the truck and the old car is the old car and the white car was the white car . I mean , when car makers give the cars names , do they intend for that car to forever be referred to as a Z or an X , even when the car is past it 's prime ? Is it still cool ? One of my writer group friends has a pretty yellowish car and it 's a Jaguar and she refers to it as the Jag and I didn 't know what a Jag was or the prestige that went alone with having that kind of car until she picked me up at school . I was sitting on a bench and she pulls up and about ten people , who were standing around me , said , almost at the same time , wow look at that Jag . That 's how I knew it was my friend , and I said , oh that 's my ride . It 's really funny how people put so much stock in the popularity of their car . I had an older friend , much older than I , and she was what I would refer to as trailer park trash , but I liked her so much . She had this old worn out towncar , and she always referred to it as the town car . I don 't know , I guess if you have nothing and get something , even if that something is really old , you are going to be happy to express your love for that something . My point to this madness is that an old man , who sits in the union trying to cruise for chicks , says to a younger nontraditional student that he has an MG , and I 'm thinking a movie so I listen and she says really and he says yeah wanna go for a ride sometimes and she says yeah and he says cool and I 'm thinking fuck what are they 15 ? I wonder if she went for a ride and if he had as much trouble getting into and out of the MG as he had getting up and down the stairs . Is it really worth the pain ? I am driving the new car . We got it for Mr . Zelda but I am kind of liking it more than the truck . I mean it is so easy to turn around and park and all of that . So every day he says , did you show off the car ? I say , no . He says why not . I say , why would I ? I mean people see me driving it and what more is there ? Well , I know what he is talking about after watching him yesterday show off the new car . Mr . Zelda and the men from the apartments where we live , by the way , most of those men are hunters and gatherers and beer drinkers so out of Mr . Zelda 's element . He went to get his book of Robert Frost 's poetry when the men folk accosted him . . They all gather and are looking at the car , they look inside the trunk , and they remark about the little latch that keeps you from getting locked inside , and they talk about the room , and they look at the tires again , and then they look inside the car , and he shows them the map light and the sunglass holder and the little compartment we haven 't figured out yet and how he can manipulate the radio with the steering wheel and the size of that glove box . Wow ! They look at the motor and talk about gas mileage , and they discuss oils and windshield cleaner , and then he comes in and sees me smiling at him . What he says , and I say what was that , and he says what , and I say the going over the car with the village hunters , and he says I was showing off the car . So there you have it , showing off the car is actually giving someone the grand tour . It 's like showing off the new purse or the new jacket or the new backpack , same thing but only for a car . Now I get it . I wasn 't always a fan , I mean , I didn 't see Lonesome Dove the first time it came out , but I did buy the book and after reading it from front to back almost in one sitting , I rented the movie and fell in love with Gus . I watch it every year on my birthday . Funny . He can switch points of view in mid paragraph and not confuse the reader . He is the master . McMurtry is the all time expert on writing in the omni pov and in creating these characters that you never forget . He has their dialect , their description , and their thoughts done in such a way that they are so real . I especially love his historical novels that border on creative non - fiction . I think one of my favorites is the Buffalo Girls . I attend a writer 's conference every year , well did until I started graduate school , but the town where he lives is only a couple of hours away so I go there and can stalk him . He is , according to my friend , one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet . Hopefully , I will find out for myself real soon . Mr . Zelda and I took the new car out for a drive . We drove through the mountains over to Harrison . I wanted to look for cretaceous fossils . They are abundant in the White River , but since I am not physically able to hike down to the river and wade in the shallow water and dig for them , I find the rock shops , which are everywhere . At the shop where we stopped , a woman had just brought a truck full of rocks , and everyone was a cretaceous fossil . I got four really good rocks filled with mollusks and crinoids , and I think one of those is a pink coral type rock with three different shells . I am going to research it today . It is awesome , plus I got some white rose or selenite from Arizona and a piece of black and white marble that I bought just because they were both pretty . My husband and I are going to go back and comb the White River , we found a really simple place with easy access and the water is very shallow . So , I am going back to get one from the river just so I can point to it and say that I got it myself . Kind of like the crystals . We go to Hot Springs to the mines and I am unable to go inside but this year , I am going in and I am going to mine my own crystal . Besides the mines are beautiful . I almost forgot , we also got a lily pad shale from the coal mines in Pennsylvania . The woman , who ran the rock shop , bought about ten from a rock hound who came down to buy up crystal . While on our drive , we saw a big fat beaver sitting on the side of the road . At first I thought he was a raccoon until I slowed down and got a really good look and yep , big fat beaver . Mr . Zelda , knowing how much I love animals , says let 's stop and I 'll make me a new hat . Of course he was teasing . The eagles must already have taken off to warmer cliffs because I searched and searched and didn 't see a single one . I did , however , see a lot of hawks . We stopped at a little country store and some men , who had been deer hunting , told about seeing a herd of elk . That 's nice , since they were all killed out and have only recently been put baposted by zelda1 | 6 : 27 AM My husband and I are going for a drive through the mountains . I am not so sure it is a good idea with my new blood pressure medicine making me so weak but we decided to take a ride , find a park , and sit and read in the park surrounded by turning trees and if we are real lucky , we might see an Eagle or even a brown bear . The last time we went for a drive , I saw a mountain lion and it was sitting on a huge rock surveying its territory . I loved it and wanted to get out of the car and take a picture but I know how foolish that would have been and I am glad that I didn 't get out because not long after we got there she walked away and two little kittens followed her . On that same trip , we parked on the side of the road near a low water bridge and waited and waited and hoped that we would see a road runner that had raced down the road with us and we wanted to see if it would come back out of the brush . A huge deer came out , though , and drank from the water . We were so close and I know he knew our car was human and dangerous but he didn 't seem to mind . In fact , he stared at us for a long minute and then walked off . Most of what we see are deer and birds , and beavers , and squirrels , and the like . But sometimes , we get a really rare treat and see coyotes and wolfs and mountain lions and owls and turkeys , things like that . It is so nice and I can 't wait to get started . Maybe we can get pictures and if I can figure out how to put it on here , I will put them in the computer and on this site . Life is good , but life with nature is so much better . I used to run wild . It was a different time and place and children left the house early in the morning and didn 't come home until we were hungry or being called . For me , I came home in the evening , the rest of the time , my little sister and I walked the railroad tracks to the library , and I carried a sack lunch of peanut butter , commodity peanut butter , sandwiches in a brown sack , and that is where we stayed until it closed and then from there we climbed the rock dump where I read to her or sang to her or made up stories for her . We looked for fossils in the millions year old rock unearthed by the coalminers ' search for coal . Sometimes we found coal and we put it in a sack and took it home for our grandmother , who burned coal . There was a black man who walked the tracks to go to town and he always spoke to us and we would hide . It was in the late fifties and early sixties and unfortunately for me , my mother told us horrible things about African Americans . When he passed by , we would run the other direction . By dark , we were home and our mom was just pulling the cornbread out of the oven . I tried to sneak my books into my bedroom . But she always saw them ; the ones that I checked out , the ones that the librarian gave me for helping her mend the spines of the books and the ones that she gave me new , all books that I cherished and would read over and over . " Don 't know why you waste your time reading them books , " Mom would say . All the while , my brother 's nose was two inches from the television . But that wasn 't a waste of time . Now , I have so many books that I don 't have enough space on the shelves . I am a book addict , I confess . I cannot drive past a bookstore , I must stop and at least buy one or two books and when I order from Amazon , it costs me no less than a hundred dollars and I buy used . The ironic thing about my childhood , the lack of encouragement and sometimes forbiddance of me reading books and the bigotry and prejudicial way my mom spoke about African Americans , well , now I read and read andposted by zelda1 | 4 : 57 AM I am bi - polar , the day I was diagnosed it was called manic depression , and I was diagnosed after one of my manic episodes . I will never forget finally getting a name for all the weird things that had been happening to me . I was 26 and had been doing really bizarre things like , writing hot checks and not caring that I was writing them and not even needing the things I bought and feeling so high and not sleeping and it kept going and going and then one day the bottom of my world fell out and I crashed . I couldn 't get out of bed . My two children were just barely beyond potty training and they stayed in bed with me , playing with their toys , eating their peanut butter sandwiches that I forced myself to make . I did get out of bed for group baths with them and new pajamas and back to bed and then I started crying and wanted to die but I couldn 't die because who would take care of my children and then I thought we could all die and it clicked , call the doctor and I did and his nurse came and got me and my children and took us to the office , good doctor , and he talked to me and I was crying so hard and he gave me medicine and made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrists and they called my friend , a good friend who came and got my kids and me and took us home and took care of me until I saw the doctor and got used to the medicine . I was lucky . Real lucky because there are women who actually do kill commit murder suicide because of such hopelessness . I was so close to dying and taking my kids with me . First and last time I ever got so depressed that life for my children was not important . So they gave me medicine and I have been on it ever since - well not the same but at least being treated . By the way , my children had a happy childhood in spite of my bi - polar . I stayed alert to the changes in my mental status and when I began to get too high or too low , I called my doctor . Now , or so I 've been told , being bi - polar is trendy and the disease to have ; it 's like the crazy artists disease . Wow , for the first time posted by zelda1 | 4 : 40 PM I was raised poor . My mother had ten children , and by the time I was born she already had grandchildren , grandchildren that she raised off and on . I know what it 's like to do without , to be cold , to be hungry , to feel invisible , and to suffer the disdain of teachers who judged me from where I came and not what I knew . I remember going to school without shoes and wishing for cold weather so Mama would buy me a pair . I also remember the sacks and sacks of clothes that came from my Aunt , clothes that I tried to wear but her daughter was a giant and I wasn 't , so those clothes went to my older sisters and not me . I also remember other things , things like going to school without my lunch money and telling the teacher that I forgot it and her saying that if I didn 't pay soon , I was not going to get to eat . I remember not having the money to pay for pencils or paper and I remember never getting invited to join the girl scouts or go home with the other girls for birthday parties . But what I remember mostly is my third grade teacher , Mrs . Thompson , hating me so much , and I not knowing why . I still don 't , I have an idea it was because of my mother 's boyfriend and her living arrangements and in the 60s that was a disgrace and unfortunately for me that teacher took my mom 's mistakes out on me . One day , after a class party , I was really happy , we had sugar cookies with frosting , and the homeroom mother gave us all extra , and I wrapped mine in a napkin to take home to my little sister . I always felt guilty if I had something that she didn 't get , so this time she was going to get a cookie too . Anyway , we were standing in line waiting and the homeroom mother and my teacher were standing talking , and they were talking about me and they were not whispering . " She doesn 't buy those kids shoes , " I heard my teacher say . I looked down at my dirty feet and wished they would just disappear . I wished they would melt and I wanted them gone and I wanted to hide and I wanted to cry but I wouldn 't cry . The home room motherposted by zelda1 | 12 : 50 PM Hmmm first sip of my first cup of dark coffee . Everyday it is like a new experience , I expect that is how drug addicts feel . I think about coffee before I go to sleep and worry about coffee during the week . Do I have enough ? Will they always grow and harvest coffee ? What was life like without coffee beans ? Oh the questions I ponder while looking into the early early morning and waiting for the sun to come out . My mom , when I was a kid , let me drink her left over coffee . After all the kids were off to school , and I was the only one home , she would pour her cup half full of coffee and half full of milk and a lot of sugar and while I ate my oatmeal , I would drink her coffee . I suppose that is one of my snuggly memories of my childhood . I don 't remember her saying a lot , but I do remember her pouring the milk into the cup and putting sugar in the coffee / milk mixture and handing it to me with a warning to be careful . I also remember her washing the dishes and sometimes I heard her sniffle and saw her wipe away tears . I wonder what made her so unhappy . We were debt free . We paid the truck off , and had the title free and clear . No more big debt , I thought . Well not actually debt free , but no car payments . Truck paid for and then we bought another . It 's new and shinny and has that new smell and only five miles and we like it but we now have big car payments . Too big . I don 't like this but with all the driving Mr . Zelda does we needed fuel economy . So we bought a little car that has great mileage . In the meantime , I will struggle through graduate school , and he will struggle through undergraduate school , and hopefully we can make ends meet . I just hope for a balanced checkbook at the end of the month . This is the first new car I have had in years . The truck was new but it was his before we were married , I always bought my sister 's hand - me - downs , good cars but never new . I 'm still waiting on my new bed . I wonder if I will get it ? I sure had my sights set on that sleigh bed , cherry wood , nice firm mattress , but hey , it will be okay . I can wait . What 's important is the gas efficiency . If I keep telling myself , I might just believe it . Today , I had to go to the doctor , not because I was sick , but because I had to have my six - month check - up to get my blood pressure medicine . So I get there and find out the nurse , who has worked there for years , quit and they have this gum popping , cigarettes smelly , brown roots showing , woman taking her place . She tried one time to take my blood pressure and couldn 't hear it and that was it . That was it ! So , the doctor comes and takes it and I tell him his cuffs are not working , it 's the bladder , I say , they are not working right . I tell him , the cuffs should be replaced every few years , and that there is no way to get an accurate reading with his old equipment . I said it , I did . Next thing , my husband and I are sitting there waiting and in runs some kid , the nurse 's grandchild , come to visit her , and he is running around . Normally I am good with kids , they love me , but not when I am sitting in a paper gown that is two sizes too small and my breasts are somewhere between here and there and in pops this kid , who , by the way , had way too much sugar and was running wild . I try to cover up and he knocks over the aluminum tray that was holding cotton balls and tongue blades and the stupid nurse put them back , put them back , as if they were clean . I say oh no , those are way too dirty , in the trash they go . She says , they don 't use them for sterile technique and I say , I don 't want a tongue blade that has been in this floor in my mouth , and she rolls her eyes and drops them in the trash , and I break them to make sure . I tell the doctor his nurse smells , pops her gum , has a loud grandchild , and broke clean technique . He says she is a temp . and I say get rid of her . He says you 're right . I say of course . I hope Joyce comes back . I told him to call and beg her to come back . He says he tried . He gives me my prescription and I say see ya in six months . He says okay . I have night terrors . What happens is , I wake up from a sound sleep paralyzed . I can 't move , can 't scream , and something horrible is happening or about to happen . The truth is , I am still asleep , and when I finally am able to wake myself up , I am still , for a few minutes , paralyzed . I scream for my husband , my son , my daughter , who ever is in the house , and they all run to my room and I tell them the terror and they check my closet , under my bed , and my window and assure me , I am okay . It 's been like that my entire life , well since I was nine . I don 't always talk about it , but sometimes , I write about it and when I write I put it away in a folder called secret . It was secret even when I was nine and writing on paper sacks tied together with strings and hidden in the back of my closet , then when I was older , in my diary , then in my journals , and now here it is about to be on my blog . Don 't judge me , don 't think I 'm telling my secrets for the world to see , but I am , my psychiatrists thinks if I talk about it , the terrors will go away . I hope he is right . I was nine and my mom , well she was working late at the truck stop . She was a waitress . I was in charge of my younger sister , who was five . We fell asleep while watching a western , on the sofa , in the living room . Our front door wasn 't locked , had no locks . It was really late , the television was off , that 's what I remember most , the television making that sound it made when the television station went to bed . I woke up and my mom 's boyfriend was carrying me to bed and I thought how nice of him and he put me in bed and I thought he was going to get my little sister , I had already gone back to sleep , then he did it . He raped me . When he left , I got out of bed and blood was everywhere , but I had to get to my sister and make sure she was okay and that he hadn 't hurt her too . I woke her and made her go with me to the bathroom and I left a trail of blood . I found a towel and tried to wipe the blood up off the floor , it was new bought just that day aposted by zelda1 | 12 : 18 PM I always tell everyone that I am so lucky because at fifty , I can get any kind of get high that I want . No seriously , I go to the doc and say , I am depressed , which I am , but he gives me really cool drugs and when I tell him I need to feel a little mellow like when I was smoking pot , back before my asthma said no more , he gives me really good drugs , so that I can take it , it 's legal and I am seeing life through a different lens and growing old , well it 's not so bad . I am not anxious , depressed , manic , or any of those other things that young people sometimes experience and consequently use a lot of illegal drugs to remedy . Ha , you may have nice breasts , a tiny waist , and good skin , but by gods I have the legal dope and I have cheap insurance , and I can wear what ever the fuck I want and no one judges me to be in style . I am so over that . But , I am not young . I wonder , which is better . Maybe , the youth thing is highly overrated but then again , when I was young , oh the things I could do . For instance , now I have sore wrists for no apparent reason , back then it was Atari wrists and Pac man hand . My fellow nurses laughed at me , of course they were older , when I complained about my wrists hurting and they said , did you play tennis and I said no , river raid . Anyway , growing old does have its advantages and if I really want those perky breasts again , I can buy them , well if I get any money . And the waist thing , well hell , I don 't want a skinny waist . I am thinking the Renaissance period 's woman is going to be what we are all reinvented into . Big butts , thighs , and bellies . Yep , then I will be so hot . But , that is an oxymoron , being old and hot . Well , hot as in hot flash but not the other hot and I am so rambling and so needing to study Latin . . Okay , the end . Sometimes , I wish that I were so rich that I never had to worry about money again . Well , that is pretty much all the time and since I am not ever going to be rich , I know this , have resolved my lot in life , I can only dream . But a few years back , it was when I was in the wheel chair . The docs said it , the chair , was for life and they were wrong , I walk , not well , but I walk . Anyway , I had entered the contest thing where you watch the big ballgame at the end of January and the winner is announced . I was so certain that I was going to win , that I cleaned my house , put on makeup , and practiced my surprise look . So , when the end of the time came and they were announcing the winner , my son , who was like 14 at the time , and I sat on the edge of our seats waiting for that knock . We had already planned on what we were going to buy : a new van so I could transport myself easily , a new house , one with really good carpeting and a huge living room , cool clothes for the kids , and on and on . We saw on the tube where they were driving down a road and I say that doesn 't look like our road and he says no and I say but it could be that they are using last years tapes so that the winner will still be surprised and so I transfer off the sofa onto my wheelchair and I roll to the door waiting and waiting and the knock never came and the 10 million dollars went to some woman in Idaho who had a really nice house and I wondered why the gods or lady luck or someone or thing couldn 't see the injustice of a middle class woman with a nice house , two working legs , and a husband and a new car , winning over me , a poor , poverty stricken woman with two teenagers , and I was in a wheelchair , and needed an electric wheel chair and a car that ran decent so that I could go places without waiting on my sisters to take me , and my son needed new shoes . Where was the justice ? Then I looked through teary eyes at my envelope , the one that brought me the entry form and I realized that I had joined the wrong contest . Laugh on me . Nope , it was still kind ofposted by zelda1 | 5 : 31 AM Okay , I thought I was getting over the wing guilt thing , and now , I am suffering from even more than wing guilt , there is the egg guilt . I shouldn 't have read it , but it was there and so I did . Yep , stack the nest one on top of each other , the top hen shits , it falls on the one underneath and so on until the poor bottom hen , well you can imagine , plus , they , the farmers , cut off their beak tips . They don 't want them , the chicken , to do what is natural and that is to peck . You see , we had chickens and they just ran around in the yard , and at night , when I put corn in their pen , they all ran inside , it was still plenty roomy , and I closed the gate . It kept them from getting eaten by the coyotes and the hawks . When they were out of the pen , and even in the pen , they could scratch the dirt , that 's what they do , scratch for worms and insects . Inside their gizzard , you can find anything , my grandma kept all the doodads that came out of her gizzards , and it included nails , screws , and pennies , what ever they ate . Funny , maybe not healthy but I 'm sure much healthier than living in chicken shit , not moving off your nests , and never getting to scratch or peck . My question , which is rhetorical but if anyone wants to answer feel free , buy why do we let people get by with such cruel behaviors to animals . Are we such pigs that we don 't care ? I know about the chickens and yet , I still succumb to the wings . There is a solution , a place where the animals are raised good and clean and all of that and we are going real soon , but we are sure the meat and eggs and milk will be much more expensive so I 'm thinking we should just eat faceless things . No face , then we won 't eat . After visiting the site http : / / www . factoryfarming . com / fish . htm I have decided that humans are the most barbaric of all the earth and I know because I watch the animal planet and I 've seen lions killing for food , and they do it quickly and for food . The only really gross animal is the hyena and I think the Tyson 's are related or are evolved from posted by zelda1 | 5 : 14 AM I got to school before daylight . I was sitting on a bench , enjoying the cool morning breeze and watching the stars fade - - yep they fade . Anyway , a young girl was on the grass with two large labs . A chocolate , and a blond one , and she was throwing a ball and the blond one ran and caught it and took it to her . It was so exciting watch his agile body jump for the ball , and the chocolate lab took her turn and once she started to wonder off and the girl called her name and she didn 't come so the girl used a firmer tone and the blond lab ran over to the chocolate lab and bit at her legs as if she was scolding the lab for being disobedient . It was a wonderful moment , watching that girl and her dogs . When I got up to go inside , the chocolate lab came and touched my fingers with her nose and I patted her head . She was so cool and sweet and I wanted to get on my knees and scratch her side , but my knees are bad , and I 'm sure the owner wouldn 't have liked me getting too personal with her dogs , and so I walked inside the building . I looked back and the dog was still watching me . I think there are times when animals and humans connect , almost like immediate friendship and that was what we had . I hope they are there tomorrow . I am a rememberer of almost four decades of daily bra usage . I remember the pointy ones , the padded ones , the lacy ones , the wire then plastic supported ones . I remember bras made from fibers that itched , lace that burned and itched , straps the dug , and the support beams that came out the top and stuck me in my chin . I think men designed those horrible first few decades and later , well later they became too thin , again man , so that my nipples were exposed if I didn 't put something between my skin and the bra . So , too much padding , no padding and everything in between but , but , but , I found a delight . A cotton bra that has no lace , no plastic , no metal , no flowers , no tight straps or cups , no lycra or any other gross shiny material . Cotton that has double in the front , no padding or anything but no nipple showage either . They are a true delight and I bought ten . It is the first time since my budding breasts emerged that I have not fought with my underwear . Yep , I am in bra heaven . I look forward to the bra , and get up extra earlier to make sure that the color I pick matches the color of my socks or my shirt . Okay , that 's a little extreme but why the fuck didn 't some one come up with these things when I was younger . I am finally free without actually letting the girls fly solo . What a great feeling . We are looking at beds , new beds . I want a sleigh bed , cherry wood and my husband , well , who knows exactly what he wants . We found the perfect bed and I am so ready to get it but he says let 's shop around . I say there are not that many places to shop and he says yep , let 's go here and there and I say I need to go home and I go home , I don 't like to go here and there , I want to go one place , pick it out , pay the man or woman , give my address , and be done with it . It takes Mr . Zelda at least a week to complete his looking around and finally he will come back and buy the one that I said from the beginning . It 's too weird . By the way , we have been looking at cars for about three months now and I just don 't see any speed in the process and if we don 't get a new one soon , he , Mr . Zelda , will be walking because he is driving my truck and I am driving my sister 's 90 year - old mother - in - law 's car that she drove around and around her house , forgetting how to stop until finally she ran it into the living room . It isn 't ruined and is fine , a one owner car with less than 50000 miles and it 's one of those huge cars from the mid 80s but , but , but , it 's huge and I want my little truck back . I want him to buy a car and let me have my truck so I can drive like and park with ease not from the end of a huge car that I cannot park except if there are no other cars on the street . See , I am getting upset , I have to think , WWBD , ahhh he would say , let us not fight but let us get a long and forget the cars and walk so as not to run over the little insects on the street and why do you need to pollute the air and he would be so right . Maybe the bed thing is wrong and we should just sleep on a mat in the floor . Maybe . |
Getting Sheba came as a complete surprise to me . I had given up on the idea . My parents had always came up with a hundred reasons why I couldn 't have a dog . Then one Saturday morning I was told that we were going to visit my dad 's friend who lived on a farm not far away . One female seemed interested in getting and holding my attention . When the other puppies grew tired and lost interest , going off to find their mother , she stayed to play , and when she finally tired , she lay down on top of my shoe . When my mom and dad came out of the house and it was clear we were about to leave I was told that I could pick one of the pups . I didn 't hesitate . I scooped the little female up into my arms and headed for the car , afraid that they would change their mind . And that 's how I met Sheba . I don 't know why my parents changed their attitude about my having a dog . They must have realized that I needed a friend - I didn 't have any . We moved around too much for me to have friends . By the time I was in the seventh grade I had been to eight different schools and had quit trying to make friends . I didn 't see the point - I would be leaving soon . The old man was a tool and die maker and traveled from one job shop to the next in search of that big rock candy mountain . But he did the best he could with a sixth grade education . I once watched him teach himself trigonometry from a library book . He told me that all knowledge was written down somewhere and that if I could read , I could find out whatever I needed to know . By the time I dropped out of school to go in the service I had attended fifteen different schools in five states . Being the new kid sucks , but always being the new kid sucks in the extreme . New kids are tested , and if they come up short , or their shyness is perceived as timidity , they get bullied . I was a bully magnet . I had developed a survival strategy of not doing anything that would draw attention to myself , like participating in class , which caused my grades to suffer . By the time Jr . High rolled around I was just getting by . Advancing to the next grade level was always iffy . Thanks to my less than stellar academic performance the new school system had placed me in a class designated 7 - D , with the flunkies . I was the youngest boy in 7 - D , the rest having failed a grade at least once , some of them three and four times . These older boys , on top of not being very bright , were mean . Two of them once held me down in the locker room while a third held a knife to my privates and threatened to nut me . I somehow knew that if I showed fear the tormenting would escalate , so I did my best to contain the fear . But the fear was there , a gut - wrenching , settle to the bottom of the stomach fear that stayed with me through weekends and holiday vacations . I would get to school hours early before the doors opened , going blocks out of my way to avoid the corner where they all hung out , smoking cigarettes and waiting for victims . I didn 't tell my parents how bad things were at school . This was 1966 blue collar Indiana and bullies were just a fact of life . My dad had grown up a tough kid on the streets of Chicago , he would have just told me to fight back , but there were too many of them and I knew I didn 't stand a chance . Anyway , I now had Sheba to think about , care for , and look forward to getting home to . The fear that I had carried around in the pit of my stomach , with its metallic taste , left me when I was with her ; Sheba needed me . I went to the library and read everything I could find on Alaskan Malamutes . I learned that they had a thick undercoat that had to be pulled off in the spring , a process that resembled carding wool . I learned that they would curl up with their tail over their noses in a snow storm and let the snow cover them up , forming a snow cave that kept them quite warm . I also learned that they were notoriously sneaky , but Sheba was always honest with me . The books were right about the snow caves though . It always made me laugh when she would poke her head out of the snow when I called her the morning after a snow storm . We both enjoyed the combing and plucking in the spring . She would lay quietly at my feet until I had her stripped clean of undercoat and always seemed thankful to be rid of it . I learned that when school let out for the summer we would be moving again and I wasn 't sorry to be putting this school behind me . Just before school let out for the summer , I was sitting at my desk , which happened to be next to this girl I had a crush on , when one of the worst of the bullies walked passed me and slapped me across the face hard . No reason . He just wanted to slap somebody . I exploded . I jumped up and planted a series of punches to his face that staggered him back and had him covering his head . I bloodied his nose and split his lip and he never even tried to fight back . Instead , he cowered and tried to cover up . That day I learned that most bullies are cowards and the best way to stop a bully is to meet him head on . I know that isn 't the accepted response nowadays , but it works . Bullies , like electricity , follow the path of least resistance . The bullying suddenly stopped , and for the rest of the year I went unmolested . After school let out we moved to a small farming community in the northeast part of the state . Sheba and I had the whole summer to explore our new surroundings . We roamed through the surrounding fields and explored abandoned houses . We knew every foot path that lead to the creek just south of town . We went camping . We lay in the grass , me with my head on her flank , and watched the clouds roll by . We enjoyed each other 's company and loved each other without reservation . The excitement she would display at seeing me each morning was wonderful to me because I was just as glad to see her . She would leap , over and over , straight into the air until I fell to my knees and threw my arms around her . I didn 't want summer to end and school to start , but I wasn 't scared to go to school now . That summer I had a growth spurt that had people asking me if I was going out for football , and my parents wondering how they were going to keep me in shoes - and I had learned something about bullies . The one good thing about changing schools is that you get to reinvent yourself . You can leave all the pain and embarrassment behind . There would be bullies I knew , they had been at every other school I 'd been to , but now I knew how to get them off of my ass . The other thing that had changed was that my grades had improved . I had hit the books that last year , determined to get away from the flunkies and get moved into a class with kids my own age . At the new school the bully wasn 't big , or tough , he just had a big mouth and a following of wannabes . We didn 't have a lot of money when I was growing up . My parents could hardly keep shoes on my feet , my toes are deformed now from wearing shoes that were too small , and my clothes , while always clean , sometimes had patches . When this new bully and his groupies started in on me about my clothes in the gym locker one day , I ignored them , but when he jerked one of my mother 's patches off of my shirt and called me a nigger , I grabbed him by the front of his shirt , slapped him back and forth across the face , and tossed him into the lockers . His friends vanished , but the gym teacher appeared . We were taken to the principal 's office , interrogated , told to bring one of our parents to school with us the next day , and sent home . That night I told my dad what had happened and he told me that he would take me to school the next day . When we were seated in front of Mr . Dormire - the principal - he asked my father if I had told him what had happened . My father said , " Yes , he told me the other kid called him a name . " Mr . Dormire said , " Well , Mr . Robinson , what kind of world would this be if every time somebody called somebody a name they got punched in the mouth ? " My dad said , " I recon there 'd be a lot less name calling . " I was dismissed to go to class and I thought that was the end of it , but I was wrong . The bully had an older brother in high school . The high school was several miles away , but the brother had a car , and like his younger brother , a cadre of followers . Even though they were much older they couldn 't come up with the intestinal fortitude to confront me personally , so they took to vandalizing our house and even put sugar in the gas tank of my dad 's car . Then they decided to get even with me through my dog . I went out to feed her one morning and she was gone . I looked and called for her all over the neighborhood but couldn 't find her . My dad and I drove around looking everywhere we could think of that she might be but didn 't find her . She was missing for three days . Then late one night my dad heard something and found her laying on the front porch . She was in bad shape . She had a gash in her head and several teeth knocked out , and she had barbed wire wrapped around her neck . We took her to the vet the next day and he said she was dehydrated and starving and it looked as if she had been beaten and tortured for the three days she had been missing . She stayed with the vet for a couple of days and I don 't know where my dad found the money to pay him . What had awoken my dad that night was the sound of a car door , and he had seen a car in the driveway , a green Dodge Dart . It was a small town and we soon matched the car with a name . A guy named Slim owned a green Dodge Dart and went to high school with the guys who I thought were responsible for what had happened to Sheba . I found out later that Slim had witnessed Sheba being beaten and had rescued her and brought her home . But that was after somebody unloaded both barrels of a twelve gage shotgun into the engine compartment of Slim 's Dart - sorry about that . Around this time my father had become friendly with a young man named Billy who was home on leave from the service . My dad was a WWII veteran and they would sit on the front porch and talk about service life . It turned out that Billy was having trouble with the same bunch of guys over a girl ; the girl had apparently been free with her favors until Billy came along , and the shit - birds - as Billy called them - weren 't too pleased with the dry spell ( Billy got the girl , and they raised a family on a farm west of Zanesville Indiana ) . They had slashed his tires and he had taken to sleeping in his car hoping to catch them in the act . Billy started parking his car in front of our house so he and my dad could watch out for each other . One night my dad , hearing a commotion , grabbed his shotgun and went outside to find a group of guys surrounding his friend . The windshield of Billie 's car was busted out and Billy was standing in the road with blood running down his face . When they saw my dad with the shotgun they took off running for their car . My dad blew a hole in the side of their car as they pealed out . By that time Billy had pulled a semiautomatic . 22 rifle from his car and was emptying his clip into the back of the car as it headed over a hill . I had reached the front porch with my own . 22 , too late to get a shot off . It was like an old west shootout , and it was the last straw for the old man . We moved shortly after that - this time to Texas . We rented a one bedroom studio apartment in Grand Prairie , Texas . My bed was a folding lawn chair and my bedroom doubled as the living room . The school was huge and there were so many kids that I was able to get lost in the crowd . I hated Texas . I hated everything about Texas . I hated sleeping on a lawn chair . I hated the new school , but most of all I hated not having Sheba , and with our living situation , it looked like it would be a long time before I would see her again . I began withdrawing into myself . I did make one friend at this new school , a black kid they called Lightning , because when we played flag football nobody could catch him . Lightning was much older and had this tricked out ' 57 ' Chevy . We would talk about his car and he 'd show me what he 'd done to it and talk about what he wanted to do to it . He took me for rides after school , and when he pealed out at a stop sign , we giggled . The only time he wasn 't quiet and reserved was when we were talking about cars . He told me that he had dropped out of school for a couple of years to work and help his mother , but now he was back to get his diploma . One day we were standing behind the school by his car when a guy came up behind me and grabbed me in a full nelson . I knew how to get out of that . I kicked the guy in the shin until he let go . He started toward me with his fists up and just before he got within range of my fists Lightning stepped between us and told the guy to leave me alone . " He kicked me ! " the guy protested . " You started it , " Lightning told him . Lightning had spoken , and the kid backed off . One day I was pulled out of class and told to report to the office and when I got there my mother was waiting for me . She told me that there was somebody at home who wanted to see me . I couldn 't think of who it could be . She signed me out and when we pulled into the apartments she told me they were waiting for me in the back . When I came around the corner , there was Sheba . When she seen me her whole body wiggled and she began her leaping for joy greeting . I ran to her and grabbed her in a hug so tight she yelped , but she made no effort to get away . We spent the rest of the day playing and hanging out . My parents had had her flown in from Indiana , and until I went into the service years later , she was the only member of our family that had flown on an airplane . Our stay in Texas didn 't last long . One Saturday my dad bought an old truck and we began building a wooden box in the bed of it to put our stuff in . We were moving again ; this time to Florida , and Sheba was going with us . My grandfather had a cottage in a little town in Florida and we were going to stay there until my dad found a job and we got on our feet . I was glad to be getting out of Texas , and as long as I had my best friend with me , I didn 't care where we went . I made a smooth transition into the school in Florida . The kids were friendly , my grades were up , and I made the football team . About six months after we were there , my dad had his first heart attack . We wound up on welfare for a time . I was given a card to show the lunchroom attendant , another student , usually a pretty girl , that allowed me to get free lunches . But I was too embarrassed to use it so I didn 't eat lunch . One of the men of the touchdown club let us live in a cottage on his orange grove rent free in exchange for me working in his groves and clearing some property that he was developing . I would hoe under the orange trees and irrigate them in the summer , and in the winter I would sometimes stay up all night burning piles of old tires to keep the trees from freezing . Sheba was with me the whole time . The only difference that I could tell from being on welfare and not being on welfare was we didn 't eat meat , and the only shoes that my parents could afford to get me were these slip on tennis shoes from K - mart . At school they called me the tennis shoe kid . Christmas day arrived and some people came by with a box of food and a few gifts . This was more than my dad could take and he took off the next day headed north looking for work . He found a job at a mop factory in a little town in Georgia , and when he got on his feet he came back and got my mom , me , and Sheba . We moved into a trailer home that was surrounded by woods and pecan groves . Sheba was in heaven with all the new country to explore and we both liked the cooler weather . Football was king in this little town and on my first day of school a bunch of guys surrounded me and one of them said , " I only have one question , do you play football ? " When I told him I did I was accepted . My sixteenth birthday was coming up and my father spent a lot of time with me teaching me how to drive . We talked a lot about the future , exploring the options I had available . Unless I got a football scholarship , college was out . He talked a lot about going into the service . Every male member of our family was a veteran , so it seemed natural for me to follow suit . One day during one of our drives he told me that my mom needed an operation . He didn 't explain the details but he seemed optimistic . I turned sixteen and my father arranged a summer job for me at the mop factory . The morning of my first day of work , my father gave me a quarter and told me to get myself a drink from the coke machine at break time and come have break with him . Just before break time the foreman came and got me and told me something had happened to my dad . When I got to his work area I found him lying on the floor . He handed me his keys and told me to lock up his tool box . When I knelt beside him to give him his keys back , he grabbed my hand and said , " Let 's pray . " I prayed harder than I ever prayed before , or since , but the old man died that day , on that filthy shop floor , in that one - horse town in Georgia . Two weeks later my mother went into the hospital for a radical mastectomy . I didn 't find out until two years later that just before my father had his fatal heart attack he had received a phone call from my mother 's doctor informing him that my mother was terminal . My mother came home from the hospital and seemed to be on the mend ; she even went to work at the phone company , picking up her old carrier as an operator . Our financial situation went from bad to worse . I worked at the mop factory that summer and when school started I got an after school job at the ice - house . Sheba and I still took long walks in the woods from time to time , but with football , work , and friends , I neglected my best friend . One day when I got home from working at the ice - house I found my mother laying on the floor unable to move . I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the car and drove her to the hospital . After she was admitted and I was on the way home I realized that she was dying . I called my uncle and told him what I knew and we made arrangements to take mom back to Indiana where my grandmother could care for her - I went to see the recruiter . The day came for me to leave for boot camp and I had to say my goodbyes . I knew I would never see my mother alive again - she died two weeks later while I was in boot camp . When I said goodbye to Sheba , she was tied up in my uncle 's backyard . She was going to live with my cousin who lived on a farm . There would be fields to roam and children to play with there . I held her tight for some time and then I patted her on the head and walked away . I stopped and looked back just before I went around the corner of the house , she was watching me and wagging her tail , probably thinking that I was coming back to pet her some more . I never saw her again . Sheba lived out her life on my cousin 's farm doing what she did best , being a friend and companion . I called from time to time to see how she was doing and my cousin always said Sheba was the best thing that ever happened to her family . She got old and crippled and was finally hit by a car out in front of my cousin 's house . It 's been almost fifty years since we parted and tears run down my face as I write Sheba 's story , causing me to stop frequently when I can 't see the page , when I see Sheba jumping high and happy to see me . Most of the family and friends in this story are now long gone , but it 's Sheba that I long to see again most of all ; she was the ligament that ran through the places and events of my youth , and bound them . What started out as a story about a dog ended up being a story about the death of a family unit , and how one by one we disappeared out of Sheba 's life . It is a story that I had to write as a way of seeking her forgiveness , for in the end , I patted her on the head and walked away from the best friend I ever had . June 24 , 2014 at 2 : 35 am Thanks for reading it . I think you 're the only one who has taken the time . Reply Lisa Ricard Claro | August 27 , 2014 at 2 : 16 pm Wow . Just wow . You should write a full memoir , Rob . It would be worth reading and I believe you have a lot to say that people would benefit from hearing . I 'm glad you had Sheba - one of God 's angels . August 27 , 2014 at 3 : 07 pm I 'm glad you liked it . I wrote that from a prompt from an editor who wanted me to write a story about my dog . I never heard back from him . LOL I don 't know what to do with it , so I put it up on the blog . Then I wrote " The Dream " because I had left that part out on purpose thinking it was too much of an intrusion on my fathers death , but a friend told me it should be in there . What do you think ? September 9 , 2014 at 8 : 39 am This is a wonderful story . Do you mind if I make a ' button ' on my blog for this ? I could use a picture of Alaskan Malamute from wikipedia and link it to here , so maybe more people will be able to read your and Sheba 's story . What do you think ? September 10 , 2014 at 3 : 07 pm Well I had no intention of crying this early in the morning , but that is exactly what I am doing . What a GREAT post . I lived on a farm once and was lucky enough to have a female of the same breed , who gave me seven puppies . I could hardly part with them . I broke my back sixteen months ago , and from the day I came home from the rehab , my faithful rottie sat on the bed next to me until I could walk again … . she 's never left my side and I hope one day to take her out to run and play again ! Our animal friends ( particularly dogs ) are a definite gift from God , I believe . They are so in tune with our needs , and all they ask - our love and a bit of food in return . I believe any creature capable of this kind of love , will spend eternity with us . A BEAUTIFUL story - though rough , you survived , and Sheba was such an addition ! Thanks again for making me cry … . but heartfelt tears . Have a beautiful day ! September 10 , 2014 at 9 : 57 pm Thanks so much for the kind words . I 've got a female Chessie now and she is my pard . I too hope there are dogs in the afterlife and I hope they can talk , I just hope they aren 't talking about how hot it is . 🙂 I 'm so glad you liked the story . Thanks for reading . September 20 , 2014 at 12 : 09 am Wow . I 'm crying right now . This is a beautiful , yet bittersweet story . Sheba sounds like she was an amazing friend . Dogs often are . You have lived through a lot and I admire your story , both in writing and experience . September 20 , 2014 at 4 : 36 am Thanks so much . I 'm glad you liked it . I sent it out to a few contests . Wish me luck . September 20 , 2014 at 5 : 08 am It is very well written and your ability to convey the emotion and experience is amazing . I 'm sure you 'll have great results with the contests . Good luck , not that you 'll need it ! September 28 , 2014 at 1 : 46 pm Thanks so much . It 's hard to get people to read a piece this long . I 'm glad you took the time . September 30 , 2014 at 2 : 42 am Really ? Have our attention spans become so short ? It 's a wonder that the book market hasn 't completely collapsed then . September 30 , 2014 at 7 : 38 pm Magazine editors like 1200 words . I 've noticed that pieces about that long do best on blogs as well . Also , if you can 't sum up the piece in your cover letter in two sentences , it probably won 't get read . Belladonna Took | November 7 , 2014 at 2 : 11 am Just found this . A beautiful , heartbreaking story ! A book you may enjoy is " Jock of the Bushveld " , by Percy Fitzpatrick … It 's a South African classic about a dog . ( Don 't waste time on the movie - it 's awful . But the book is really good . ) February 1 , 2015 at 9 : 10 am What a beautiful tribute to a loving friend . I had tears running down my face as I read . Just last Wednesday our Miss Precious a gentle giant of bullmastiff died . I 'm still heartbroken as is my Hubby . I woke this morning hearing her snore which was music to my ears . I 'm so glad your life was blessed with Sheba . Thank you for sharing this poignant story . February 1 , 2015 at 2 : 02 pm Thank you for reading . I 'm so glad you liked it . She lives on now in the story . October 3 , 2015 at 11 : 43 am Love is the one consistency that outlasts circumstances , constant changes in life , and even death ! What a poignant story to remind us that love can come in small packages . ( P . S . I was really hoping for a picture of you and Sheba together . October 3 , 2015 at 12 : 55 pm Thanks so much for reading . I wish I had a picture of Sheba . I don 't remember us having a camera . I think the only pictures we had were school pictures . Reply Ana | September 30 , 2016 at 6 : 09 pm Rob , you are an amazing human being . Enjoyed your Sheba story , you will be with her again , I am sure of that . I have three dogs and recently I had to part from them for a short while . Not being with them saddened me a great deal . We are together again ! © ROBERT ROBINSON , 2015 . UNAUTHORIZED USE AND / OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG ' S AUTHOR AND / OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED . EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED , PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO ROBERT ROBINSON WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT . ROCKY MOUNTAIN PASTELS A collection of essays available on Amazon . And if I could figure out how to make the link work in this widget , I 'd link you to it . Go the top of the page and click Rocky Mountain Pastels to learn more and get a preview . Blog at WordPress . com . |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . There was a man who made a pilgrimage to Mecca . He traveled over 500 miles from his small village to the holy site . Once he was at this holy place he then spent the required 5 days walking around the shrine in the center of the site . This man not only walked the 5 days but he carried on his back his aged invalid mother for the entire 5 days so she too could pray . After the 5 days had passed the man told another worshiper about his wondrous act of honoring his mother . " I 'm over here Kahn , " called Pearl from across the grand hall . Kahn smiled and turned towards the sound of her voice . It was a sound , that from the first moment he heard it , he knew he would love her forever . " I 'm coming Pearl , I 'm coming , " he called back as he made his way through the throngs of people passing him . She too was weaving in and out of the crowd . She reached her hand through some of them . Kahn reached for her . He took her hand in his . He smiled as he felt her grip , she leaned in and Whispered , " come outside with me . " Like children with a devilish secret they sneaked past everyone and found a secluded spot outside the grand hall . " I just came from the doctor , I have the results Kahn , " she squealed . Kahn looked into Pearl 's eyes . He knew at that very moment their lives would be changed forever . Pearl shrieked , " We 're pregnant Kahn , we 're really really pregnant . Twins Kahn , one little girl and one little boy . " They were holding hands and they started jumping up and down in circles . Suddenly Kahn stopped and said , " Pearl you shouldn 't be jumping like this in your condition . You need to be careful for now on . " Pearl was getting dressed as Kahn came up to her , kissed her tummy and said , " look at my babies . " Pearl smiled as her husband lifted his head and softly kissed her on the lips . " I 'll start breakfast , " he said as he scooted past her and into the kitchen . Pearl came in and satin her chair while Kahn served their meal . He asked Pearl to say their morning prayer . They held hands and bowed their heads as she gently spoke the words . Kahn was in absolute bliss as he listened to both the prayer and the sound of his beautiful wife 's voice . " So far , everything looks normal with your babies . " The doctor started but , I am concerned with that swelling on your throat Pearl . " She had been feeling sore for awhile now . " Let 's set up for some tests over the next few weeks , okay Pearl , I want to stay ahead of any complications , " said the doctor . Later that evening as Kahn slept . Pearl wept silently . She had always wanted to be a mother and now suddenly this mysterious illness might take that away from her and Kahn . " Well Pearl , the doctor started , I 'm afraid the tests are correct . That swelling is affecting your bodies immune system . Based on all the samples we 've taken from your family it appears we do not have a match . We need a compatible match for your anti - bodies . You haven 't much time left . You should consider and early delivery of your son and your daughter . " How long has she got doctor ? , " Kahn asked through his tears . " It could be a few months or a few weeks . I 'm sorry Pearl , unless we find a donor with the right anti - bodies soon well … I 'm sorry really I am . " Pearl spent the next morning sitting alone in the nursery . She was rocking in a chair as she rubbed her swollen belly . " No matter what happens my children . Know this I will always be your mommy . I will always love you , oh and one more thing , take it easy on your daddy , okay ? " Pearl said as a tear rolled down her check , landing on her belly . " Pearl , Kahn , I have the results of the tests we did . It appears that your unborn son has the exact anti - bodies needed to save your life Pearl . Further tests have also revealed that your son is actually sending these anti - bodies into your system . Your daughter is perfectly fine and you Pearl , you are improving considerably . " The young couple embraced each other momentarily relieved . " But , the doctor began ; there is bad news as well . I 'm sorry to say , as your son is saving your life , he is killing himself Pearl . He will most likely not live till birth . I cannot explain how or why . But your unborn son is literally sacrificing his life to save yours . " Blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
Wesley 's alarm clock went off at 4am . He looked at the blurry numbers , turned the alarm clock off by touch , and put on his glasses . He stretched , got out of bed , and gathered some clothes on his way to the bathroom . Half an hour later he was on the freeway headed towards Faith . Four hours later he was parking at the prison , and an hour after that he was shown into the visiting room . The visiting room was divided in half by a large piece of bullet proof glass . There were four visiting stations attached to the glass with two way phones and chairs on either side so the visitor and the prisoner could sit and talk over the phone face to face . There were two armed guards , and two other visitors besides Wesley . He paced until they brought Faith in . Faith walked into the room wondering who could be visiting her . She hadn 't had a visitor since Angel came , and that was months ago . She saw Wesley and stopped her forward movement for a second staring at him . Wesley sat down in a chair and picked up his phone waiting for her . He hoped she would at least pick up the phone , but he wouldn 't be surprised if she just walked away . Then he would have to find a way to get a message to her . After what seemed like minutes to Wesley , but in reality was only seconds , Faith sat down on the other side of the glass and picked up the phone . " Well I 'm real sorry for you , but I don 't see how that 's my problem . If you haven 't noticed , I 'm a little bit busy being incarcerated right now . I 'm sure Angel can handle it . " Wesley sat in confusion for about a second , until he saw her take a couple of steps away from the glass . He hastily dropped the phone without hanging it up , stood up , and backed away . Faith got a running start and put all her strength into diving through the glass . One of the visitors screamed as Faith hurtled through the glass . Before the guards had much time to react to this shocking event , she was up and in fighting mode . She disabled them quickly without anyone getting shot or hurt , but she knew more guards would be on the way , and there was no way she could fight them all . She grabbed Wesley by the shoulder and jumped out the nearest window , taking him with her . They fell three stories onto the hood of someone 's car . Faith sat up and asked , " Are you okay ? " Faith climbed into the back seat and changed clothes . Once she had climbed back into the front , Wesley said , " I doubt we 'll be caught . Most of the neighboring police are already in LA trying to calm and control the masses . " Wesley spent the next four hours telling Faith everything that had happened to Angel and his crew over the past few months . Once they made it into the outskirts of L . A . , the sun disappeared , and Faith shivered a little thinking about how much damage the vampires of the city alone could do while this was going on . Wesley said , " We 're almost there . " Wesley waited to hear her out . " I call the shots until Angel is back , and under no circumstances will I kill Angelus . This is a rescue mission , not a search and destroy . I 'll be happy to take anyone down who doesn 't agree with this plan . " Wesley had changed quite a lot since the last time he had seen Faith . In his younger days he would have balked at the thought of her in control . He gave her a short nod and said , " Alright . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Connor woke up with a start when he felt his bed dip . He turned and saw Julie getting into bed with him . He rolled to his side so he was facing her and smiled . " Hey . " She reached down to his arm and pulled his wrist up so she could look at it . She traced the outside of the self inflicted wound , and then kissed his arm right above the wound . She looked in his eyes and said , " It 's amazing how quickly you heal . " She reached under the covers and lifted his shirt to see his stomach and chest . He took his shirt off the rest of the way so she could look . He had been too tired last night to do much besides take off his shoes and jeans , and climb into bed . Julie ran her hands over Connor 's mostly healed bruises , and started to give him little kisses on each one . A few minutes of that , and Connor couldn 't think about much other then the smell and feel of her beside him . Julie stopped and looked into his eyes for a second before kissing him on the mouth . A few seconds later she pulled away and said , " I love you . " " I love you too . " he said with sincerity . " I didn 't get the chance to talk to you much after you came back last night . Do you want to talk about it ? " Connor looked away from her as flashes of what Angelus had done came unbidden into the forefront of his mind . He shook his head to get the images out and looked back at her . " No . " She looked at him with sympathy and nodded in understanding . She kissed him again and he reached for her shirt . She let him pull it over her head . He looked down at her and thought to himself that maybe she had gained a little weight since she had come back to town . He looked at her a little more carefully and decided she looked even better then before , healthier . He leaned down and kissed her again as he started to work on getting the rest of her pajamas off . Fred nodded , " He has Faith , and they should be here around one o ' clock . Willow called too . She 's running late , but she should be here later tonight . " She nodded and followed him into the kitchen . Connor made them both some scrambled eggs and toast . He wolfed down a large plate of food , and turned to see Julie was pushing her food away after only eating a few bites . He swallowed and said , " Not hungry ? " " I 'm feeling a little sick . I think I 'm nervous about what might happen today . You could get killed by the Beast , even if that Faith person is strong . " Connor tried to think of something to say to reassure her that he would be okay , but nothing came to mind . He started eating some of her food , and after a few minutes of thought he said , " I 've been fighting things that were bigger and often more powerful then me since I was a small child . I think my chances of making it through this fight alive are close to ninety percent . " When they were done eating they went back out to the lobby with everyone else , and Gunn held up one of Connor 's text books . He said , " We have a few hours to wait . Let 's make use of the time . " Faith and Wesley arrived slightly after 1pm . Fred was the first to look up . She walked around the counter held out her hand and said , " Hi , you must be Faith . " She pointed to each person as she spoke about them . " You 're Gunn , and you can hold your own in a fight . You 're Lorne , and you 're an empath demon . You 're Angel 's kid Connor , and you 're stronger then a normal human . And last you 're Julie , Connor 's girlfriend . Did I get you all right ? " Faith said , " Okay , here 's the plan . We 're all going after the Beast . Connor will track , and once we find it , all of you help distract him while Connor and I get close . Connor will take the front of the Beast , and I 'll take the back . The Beast knows Connor , and should focus on him , not realizing I 'm a threat . While Connor and the rest of you attack , I 'll sneak up behind him , cut off his right horn , and stab him in the back with it . We all clear on the plan ? " Faith looked Julie up and down , thinking she wouldn 't be much help anyway and said , " Fine . She stays behind . Anything else ? " Julie smiled at Connor gratefully . Connor said , " I 'm ready , let 's go . " Faith gave him a nod and looked over at the weapons cabinet . She walked over and picked up Angel 's sword , and a smaller dagger , which she strapped onto her ankle under her pants . Everyone else gathered up weapons too . Connor gave Julie a quick kiss and said , " You should be safe here with the sanctuary spell working . Even if Angelus comes for you , he can 't hurt you . " A few minutes later they were all outside except Julie . Wesley got in his car along with Lorne , Gunn , and Fred . Connor set out with Faith right behind him on foot . As they moved she said , " Do you have his scent already ? " " No . I tracked the Beast about a week ago , and found him hiding in the city . I didn 't confront him at the time , and I 'm hoping he might be in the same place again . If not , we 'll check Wolfram and Hart . If we get nothing there , I 'll go to the ally where he first came into this dimension , and then to the building where he first made the fire fall from the sky . Then I 'm not sure where to go next if I don 't catch his scent at any of those places . Faith nodded in agreement , and said , " Good plan . Tell me if you catch Angelus ' scent too . We want to avoid him until the sun is back . " Connor wasn 't sure about that , but gave her a nod anyway . Connor was pleasantly surprised when he got the Beast 's scent around the same place as before . He looked to Faith , " We 're close . Two blocks away . " Faith nodded and found she was a little impressed if he was right . Connor slowed down , and held up his hand motioning for Wesley to stop . He stopped , and everyone got out . Connor pointed to a large abandoned warehouse . " In there . " Wesley moved forward and was first in the door closely followed by Connor , Gunn , Loren , Faith , and last Fred . The Beast was kneeling on the floor in front of a table . The table looked like some kind of shrine with many candles and offerings including bowls of human blood in the center of it . The warehouse was mostly empty besides the table and the Beast . The Beast had his back to the group , and he was chanting in a language that neither Wesley nor Fred recognized . When Connor saw that the Beast hadn 't turned around as they entered , he started to sneak up on him , figuring he could cut off the horn before the Beast even realized they were there . Faith saw what he was doing and approved , motioning for the rest of the team to stay still . When Connor was halfway across the warehouse , the Beast said , " Hello Connor . Have you come to lose another fight to me ? " Connor was almost within striking distance and made a run for it . The Beast turned at the last second and grabbed Connor 's sword in his hand . Connor tried to pull his sword down and out of the Beast 's hand , but he found he was unable to make it budge . The Beast slowly got up still holding the sword . As soon as Faith saw it wasn 't working , she motioned everyone to surround the Beast . The Beast casually looked around the room , and then focused on Connor again . The Beast yanked on the sword , and Connor had to take a step towards the Beast to keep his balance . The Beast used his free hand to punch Connor in the stomach . Connor went flying back and landed hard on the cement floor . Wesley got out one of his guns and shot the entire clip into the Beast 's abdomen and chest . The Beast didn 't show much reaction at all to the bullets , and broke Connor 's sword in half and tossed both pieces on the floor . Once Wesley 's clip was empty , Faith walked to the Beast from behind and tried to get close enough to cut off his horn . While Faith was sneaking up , Lorne and Fred used their crossbows to shoot some arrows into the Beast 's abdomen , but the arrows just bounced off . Connor was up and back in front of the Beast just as Faith got close enough to try and cut off his horn . Faith brought her sword down , but the Beast ducked at the last second , so she hit his back instead of his horn . The Beast kicked behind him , and connected with Faith 's left upper leg . She was thrown back a few feet . When the Beast ducked down to avoid Faith 's blow , Connor leaned down and grabbed the half of his sword that still had the hilt on in . Connor and the Beast faced off again , while Faith got up off the floor . She looked at Gunn and then Wesley and made a motion for them to attack . Gunn took the Beast 's left side and tried to attack with his ax , and at the same time Wesley took the Beast 's right side and tried to attack with his short sword . Faith ran towards the Beast 's back with Angel 's sword raised high . Connor saw the movement , and tried to stab the Beast in the eye with his half sword . The Beast leaned his head back slightly to avoid the blow , and got hit simultaneously with Gunn 's ax on his shoulder , and Wesley 's short sword on his torso . A millisecond later Faith brought the sword down and sliced off the Beast 's right horn in one clean chop . The Beast roared in anger , and kicked out behind him again . But Faith had already dropped to the floor both to avoid the kick , and to pick up the horn . She rolled out of the way with the horn in her hand . The Beast lashed out in frustration and anger , landing solid punches on both Gunn and Wesley which sent them flying across the room , and put them out of commission for a few minutes . He landed a punch on Connor too , which sent him flying back a few feet . The Beast turned to confront Faith . Faith was slightly crouched down in a fighting stance . The only weapon she held was his horn . The Beast walkedFred was helping Wesley to get up , and Lorne was helping Gunn to walk towards Wesley . When they heard Faith , they all ran as quick as they could towards the door . Connor didn 't move . He wanted to see the Beast destroyed with his own eyes . He wanted to watch him explode , so that he would know for certain that the Beast could never hurt anyone again . Faith had started to run towards the door and saw that the rest of the team had made it out , but when she turned to make sure Connor was following her , she saw he was just standing there in front of the Beast . She swore , and ran back towards the Beast . She kicked the Beast 's table over , grabbed Connor 's arm , and dragged him behind the table along with her , and forced him to crouch down behind it . As soon as their heads cleared the edge of the table , they heard a loud explosion , and the force of it slammed the table into both Connor and Faith , and forced them back a few feet . A large blob of orange colored steaming rock landed in front of them , and burned a hole in the cement floor . Connor stared at it in shock . Faith waited for a second and then popped her head over the table once to make sure they were in the clear . She saw pieces of the Beast had spread all over the warehouse , and noticed quite a few blobs were burning through the table . She looked down at Connor who was still staring at the blob in front of him . Faith said , " Hey Idiot Boy , when I tell you to take cover that means you move your ass . " Connor and Faith avoided the burning blobs and made their way to the warehouse door . They walked out and saw that everyone else was looking up . They looked up too , and saw the black smoky threads that had been covering the sun disappearing . Connor looked around , and things looked lighter already . Within a few seconds , the sun was back to full brightness , and in the distance they could hear a scream followed by silence . Wesley said , " Vampire frying . " The team looked at each other with smiles all around . Connor let out a whoop of victory and joy . Gunn and Faith did too . A more subdued Wesley said with a smile , " It looks as though we 've defeated it . " " Yeah . " Faith turned to Wesley and said , " You and the rest of the team head back to the hotel , and wait for Willow . Connor and I will get Angelus ' location without confronting him , and then meet you back at the hotel . " Faith cocked her head to the side and said , " We don 't have any tranquilizers with us . We haven 't talked to Willow to see how close she needs to be to do the curse . And why do you think Angelus wouldn 't rather fry in the sun then get captured by us ? " Connor 's face got flushed . He had been impressed with Faith 's fighting , but now that she was being so blunt and condescending to him , he decided he didn 't like her all that much . He glared and said , " Angelus wouldn 't run out into the sun . He doesn 't have a death wish . " " Got it . " Faith took the phone and turned to follow Connor . Faith followed slightly behind him , both to let him track , and so that he wouldn 't be inclined to start a conversation with her . Faith followed beside him and kept her eyes open , taking in the area . Before Connor pinpointed a location , Faith saw a bar and pointed to it . " There . " Faith , keeping her voice down , followed him and said , " Shut up , I don 't want Angelus to know I 'm here . We 're going back . Now . " Connor was only a few feet from the bar now , and he said in a normal voice , " Who cares if he knows you 're here . I 'm just going to take a quick ey ! " Faith was pissed . She knew that Angelus probably could hear them and smell them now that they were so close , and since most vampire bars had sewer access , she doubted he would still be there when they came back . She literally kicked Connor in the ass to get his attention . Connor spun around and glared at her taking up a defensive fighting stance . He had heard that Slayers were strong , and he had seen her fight the Beast , but he couldn 't quite believe that someone so much smaller then him could be stronger . And he didn 't particularly like the idea of taking orders from a girl . It went against everything Holtz had taught him growing up . Connor tried to knock her arm away from his shirt , and was a little surprised when her arm didn 't even budge . He glared at her , grabbed the arm that was holding his shirt , and used his full strength to try and shove her away from him . Faith had to take a step back , but didn 't go flying backwards the way Connor was expecting . Faith wasn 't about to let Connor get away with not listening to her , and she had had all she was going to take of it . She made sure not to use her full strength , since it was Angel 's kid , and punched him in the eye . Connor 's head snapped backwards , he staggered back a few steps , and almost fell , but since Faith still hadn 't let go of his shirt , she helped him stay upright . Connor 's look of surprise was almost comical to Faith , but his look quickly changed to that of anger mixed with a challenge . Holtz had often told Connor that it was a man 's duty to protect the women around him , but he had also said that women were secondary to men , and if a woman got out of line , Holtz saw no problem with putting her back in her place . Faith knew the look that Connor was giving her , and was ready for it when Connor attacked . He tried punching her in the face and stomach repeatedly . She let go of his shirt , and blocked all of his blows . After six of his punches missed , he tried kicking her legs out from under her . She jumped up to avoid his kick , and did a summersault in the air to land behind him . She kicked his legs out from under him , and Connor landed on his stomach on the sidewalk . Faith waited to see what he would do . Connor got up , and into a fighting stance again . He tried to punch her again , but she blocked and kicked him in the stomach . He flew through the air and landed on his back a few feet away . Faith casually walked towards him and said , " Look kid , I don 't want to hurt you , but you 're kind of pissing me off . How about we go back to the hotel and get an update ? " Connor lay there for a second with his head spinning , trying to grasp the concept that this girl was not only stronger , but a better fighter then him . He shook his head once and started to stand up . She held out a hand to help him up . He looked at it for a millisecond , but couldn 't bring himself to take help from her . He knocked her hand away with irritation and said , " I can get up myself . " Before Connor could actually get himself up , Faith grabbed his wrist , hauled him up to standing , and twisted that same arm behind his back . She put one hand on his opposite shoulder to keep him from turning around to face her , and kept the other hand on his wrist to keep his arm behind his back at a painful angle . She started walking the both of them away from the bar and towards the hotel . Connor struggled to get out of her grip , but it didn 't work . She said conversationally , " I 've come up across lots of different men who thought they could beat me in a fair fight . I 've never met one who actually could , and you 're not even close to the strongest I 've met . I am not going to waste my time fighting with you when we 're on the same side , and want the same things . Straighten up , or I 'll personally lock you in that cage you all built for Angel until I 've got him home safe . Got it ? " Connor didn 't answer , but continued to struggle for the next three blocks , even though his arm felt like it was going to come out of its socket any moment . He was humiliated beyond belief at the image of himself being literally pushed down the street by Faith . Faith stopped abruptly after another two blocks and got up on her toes to whisper in his ear . " If you don 't stop struggling and tell me you 've got it right now , things are gonna get ugly . " Connor really wanted to rub his sore shoulder , but didn 't want to let her know how much it hurt . He started walking on his own towards the hotel . She fell in step beside him . They walked quietly for a few blocks . Then out of the blue Faith said , " How 'd you learn to track like that ? Is it some kind of vampire smelling thing you got from Angel ? " Connor shrugged , and regretted it , as pain shot through his shoulder . He said , " I 've been able to track from a very early age . It could very well be from the demon side of me . " They walked for a few blocks in silence , and Connor 's anger went away as he started to really think about things . She had probably saved his life by making him get behind that table . And she did kill the Beast which brought back the sun . He looked up at the sky and said , " It 's good to have the sun back . I never really thought about it , but having it gone made me realize how much humans rely on it to keep demons at bay , even if they don 't know it . " Faith looked up and noticed for the first time it was getting warmer out now that the sun was back up . She took off her jean jacket and said , " I suppose . I 'm more of a night person myself , but there have been some times when the sun was a plus for me . " Connor watched her take off her jacket , and couldn 't help but stare at her a little . She was wearing a white , form fitting , wife beater tank top , and the straps of her bra were clearly visible on her shoulders . Connor hadn 't noticed her body before , because the jacket she had been wearing covered her up . He compared her in his mind to the other women he had been around . She had more muscle then Fred or Julie , and she wasn 't as curvy as Cordelia or Lilah . Connor decided he liked what he saw , and now that he had noticed the top half , he slowed down just a little to get a look at her from behind . She had on form fitting dark blue jeans and black boots . Faith turned to see why he was slowing down and caught him looking , even though he darted his eyes to her face as soon as he noticed her body turning his way . Faith smirked at Connor 's embarrassed look and said with a hint of humor , " See something you like ? " Connor looked away , and stammered , " No mean you look nice and all , but I wasn 't looking at you like that I was just thinking wondering how someone who looks like you could be so strong . " Faith started laughing , and couldn 't stop for a few seconds . Connor was just kind of confused as to what she found so funny . When she could , she said , " Sorry , but how ironic is it that the kid with super strength who looks scrawny enough to break in half , wonders how I can be so strong ? " Angelus watched from the window of the bar as Faith bested his son in a fair fight , and had a good laugh . As soon as they were out of range , he thought about what he had learned as he headed for the sewers . He had been talking to magical beings all day , trying to find a way to block the curse from happening again . Early in the day he had found out that Wo Pang was dead , and decided he didn 't need to be in too much of a rush . But now with Faith in town , he needed to try something to block the curse tonight . He wasn 't sure if the gang would be smart enough to call Willow , but since Faith had wanted an ' update ' back at the hotel , he thought it was a good guess . Angelus went back to the most promising Magic shop he had gone to earlier that day , and decided to put a little pressure on the owner to see what he could do about keeping his filthy soul away . Then he would have fun killing off his former friends one by one , saving Connor for last . When Connor and Faith arrived at the hotel , they found Julie sitting on the bench that was outside in the front of the hotel . She looked up at Connor with a big grin when she saw him , and ran to give him an excited hug . He hugged her back as she said , " You did it ! You guys got back the sun . " Connor closed his eyes , picked her up off her feet with his hug , and let himself get lost in the smell and feel of her for a second . In that moment he decided Faith had nothing over Julie , because he knew with every touch and every word that Julie loved him . He set her down and looked at her smiling face . She said , " Once I saw the sun , I had to come out and feel it on my skin . Having it back makes me giddy . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Connor noticed Faith walking into the hotel and then leaned down to Julie for a longer kiss . When he pulled away she was smiling , but that turned to a look of concern . " What happened to your eye ? " Connor didn 't want to go over what had happened with Faith , because he wasn 't sure how Gunn would take the news , and he was positive he didn 't want yet another spanking . He thought fast and gave Gunn the most sincere smile he could muster , while keeping the side of his face with the black eye turned to the side , and said , " Could we maybe talk in a little while ? I was really hoping Julie and I could take a little walk in the sun . I mean , now that we know the Beast is gone , and Angelus can 't get to us in the sun . just thought a break from it would be good . " Gunn was a little surprised , but at the same time pleased that Connor was asking to do something so normal . He gave Connor a smile and said , " Sure . Go have fun . Be back in an hour , because Willow should be here by then . " As they walked Julie asked Connor about his eye again , and Connor told her the whole story starting with the fight with the Beast , and ending with his confrontation with Faith . She thought about it for a few seconds and said with self righteous anger , " Why does everyone seem to want to hit you ? I think you were right , you two could have taken those vamps , and then Angelus would be back here safe in the cage while we waited for Willow . " Connor wanted to agree , but found he couldn 't . " No , Faith was right . Even if we could have killed the other vamps and captured Angelus , there would have been no way to bring him home except the sewers , and during the day the sewers are full of even more vampires . I was just being . tubborn . " Julie squeezed his hand and said , " I don 't know why Wesley is letting Faith be in charge anyway . Just because she 's a Slayer and strong doesn 't mean she 's a good person . She was in prison for goodness sake , she must have done something bad to get put there . " He noticed her serious tone and looked over at her . She stopped walking and turned towards him . She smiled and said , " It 's something I 'm really happy about , and I hope you will be too . " She smiled at him and nodded . Connor 's first thought had been that it was impossible for her to be pregnant , because they weren 't married . He knew that Angel and Wesley had told him people didn 't need to be married to conceive a child , but he still had lingering doubts about that since Holtz had been very clear about this point with him while growing up . His next thought was that God wanted him to have a baby , which was something else Holtz had been clear about . While Connor was thinking , Julie put a hand up to his face . " I know it must come as kind of a shock to you , so we don 't have to talk about it right this second . I just wanted you to know as soon as I did . " Connor felt like he needed to sit down for a few seconds . He looked around and saw a bus stop bench . He led Julie over and sat down . She sat next to him and rested her head on his shoulder . He said , " But . . ow ? " Connor nodded and realized that was kind of a stupid thing to ask . He corrected his question to ; " When ? A month ago , right before you left for home ? " Connor shook his head , " But that was just . n ne days ago . Y u can 't possibly know that yet . A d you said you were on the pill . " " I can 't tell you how I know , but I do know . And I was on the pill , but I stopped taking them yesterday , because I just knew . I would have told you then , but I didn 't want you to have something else to worry about since the Beast was on the loose . " They sat in silence for a few minutes . Connor 's thoughts were sporadic . ' I 'm going to be a father . I 'll be a better father then Holtz . I 'll be a better father then Angel . Angel isn 't going to be happy about this . I wonder what he 's going to say . Holtz would say I 'm a sinner . He would call the baby a bastard like me . I can 't let that happen . We 'll have to be married . Angel won 't like that either . Too bad , I won 't have a bastard child . ' It was Julie 's turn to be silent . Then she turned to Connor and said , " I wasn 't really thinking about getting married right now . I thought maybe after college . " Julie looked sympathetic , " It 's not like that anymore Connor . Lots of kids are born into families where there is no marriage . There isn 't a stigma attached to it anymore the way there used to be . " Julie leaned in and gave him a kiss . She said , " I love that you 're thinking of it that way . I 'll think about it . " They sat in silence again while Connor thought about Holtz and the things that he had told him about the two children that he had had before Angelus got to them . He also thought about the video tape of himself as a baby that he had seen when Lorne came back from Las Vegas . He thought about what he would need to do to keep the baby safe and provide for it . He found himself thinking about getting more serious about getting that GED and finding a job . Julie touched his shoulder and said , " It 's about time to go back . " Connor looked at his watch . He couldn 't believe they had been out there for almost an hour . He wasn 't ready to face anyone . He nodded and got up . As they were walking back to the hotel Julie said , " I don 't want you to tell anyone else about this for now . " When they got back to the hotel Julie went to Fred and asked if she could help with anything . Gunn saw Connor just standing there inside the lobby doors , and noticed the black eye right away . Gunn walked over to him and said , " What happened to your eye ? " Connor looked at Gunn 's body language for the first time since getting back and realized where this was headed . He couldn 't deal with it right now . His entire thought process was too involved with Julie being pregnant to think about anything else . He looked Gunn in the eye , leaned close , and kept his voice low so only Gunn could hear . " I can 't talk about anything right now . Could we please talk tonight after this mess with Angelus is taken care of ? " Gunn scrutinized Connor to see if he was trying to get out of punishment , or if he was genuinely too preoccupied with Angelus being on the loose to really listen to what Gunn had to say . Before Gunn could make a decision , the lobby doors opened to reveal a red haired young woman . She smiled at Connor and Gunn who were just inside the door and said , " Hi , I 'm Willow . " Willow shook hands with Gunn , and then Connor . She said , " Nice to meet you both . " Wesley had come out of the back room and was standing close by waiting . Willow took a good look at him and smiled as she said , " And you must be the Marlboro man . " Willow held out her hand and he shook . He let her go and said , " I could smell the power when you walked into the room honey . If anyone can get Angelcakes back it 's you . " Willow smiled and put her bag down on the lobby 's front desk . She got out a few supplies . " I 'm going to need to do a locator spell first to make sure he 's still in this city . He doesn 't need to be right here , but he does need to be close . Then when we know he 's close by , I 'll do the curse . " Connor left the room and went to the basement . He came back a few seconds later with a few strands of hair and gave them to Willow . She spread out a map of the city , and put some candles around it . She put Angel 's hair into some powder in her hand . She closed her eyes and said some words in Latin . Then she blew some of the dust across the map . Instantly little red dots appeared on the map , with one dot being brighter then the rest . She smiled , " He 's close . It should work fine . " She said some words , and the map lost its red dots . She put that away , and got out a book and a round object . Wesley asked , " The Orb of Thesulah ? " Willow opened the book and started chanting in Latin . A few seconds into it her eyes turned black , and the air around her started to swirl . Her chanting got louder , and the people in the lobby all backed away from her a few steps . A few seconds later the air around the entire lobby started to swirl . Connor asked Wesley , " Is this normal ? Is something wrong ? " Willow put her hand up warding off an unseen foe , and yelled out some words in Latin . The air stopped moving , and Willow 's eyes turned back to normal . She was a little out of breath . Faith said , " Is it done ? " Willow shook her head . " He must have known what we were planning . He 's got some kind of protection . It 's probably an object like a necklace that he has to ware to stay protected . I 'll need to have him here so I can see what it is before I can disarm it , and do the curse . " Connor tried to shove Gunn out of his way , but before he could actually lay his hands on Gunn , he was knocked out and thrown back a few feet by an invisible force . Willow looked around and said some words in Latin . Then she turned to Fred and said , " Some kind of spell ? " Julie looked back over at Connor , along with everyone else in the room . Gunn looked at Wesley and said , " Can you help me get him up to the couch . Who knows how long he 'll be out . " Wesley and Gunn moved Connor to the couch . When they were done Faith said to Wesley , " Looks like it 's just you and me . Probably better anyway , he seems to have trouble following orders . I 'll be able to concentrate on Angelus better if I know Connor 's not gonna do something stupid . " Gunn got a grim look on his face and nodded . He said , " You sure you two can handle it ? I can come too if you need me . " Faith shook her head . " We 'll be fine . I saw where he was from the locator spell , and I have a plan . Come on Wes . " Connor slowly opened his eyes and put a hand up to his forehead which was throbbing . He groaned at the pain , and then looked around . He realized he was in the lobby of the hotel and tried to remember how he got there . He remembered fighting with Gunn and then everything had gone blank . He wondered if he had been tazered from behind . But he didn 't remember getting a headache from being tazered before . Then he wondered if he had fallen and hit his head . He heard Lorne 's voice say , " Looks like sleeping broody is up . " Connor looked over towards the lobby 's counter and saw Lorne and Gunn there . He sat up with a hand still holding his forehead . He said , " What happened ? " Gunn grabbed Connor 's arm , stood him up , and swatted him as hard as he could . Connor 's eyes dared over to Lorne who was standing there with a somewhat disappointed look on his face . Connor tried to pull away from Gunn , but Gunn said , " I wouldn 't do that if I were you . Unless you want to get knocked out again . " Gunn frowned , not wanting to have to tell Connor the truth , but knowing it was the right thing to do . He put his fingers on Connor 's chin to make him look at him . " You were knocked out by the sanctuary spell . " Connor stood in shock and let Gunn hug him . " But know Holtz said I was a demon , but I always thought . H ped I wasn 't . " Gunn put a hand on Connor 's shoulder and propelled him towards the stairs . Connor had had too many shocks in a short period of time to focus on any one thing , and didn 't fight Gunn in the least . They made it to Connor 's room , and Connor stopped just inside the door . There in the middle of his room was his desk chair , and on it was his metal ruler . He turned back towards Gunn with a look of apprehension . Gunn pointed to Connor 's bed and said , " Sit down . We 're gonna talk . " Connor sat down , but kept looking over at the chair and ruler . Gunn shut Connor 's bedroom door behind him , and leaned against the door . He had thought about things while Connor was passed out . He knew Connor would be upset about the news that he was a demon , and he thought giving Connor something else to focus his attention on could be a good thing . As soon as he had realized the girls were going to be gone , he had gone up to Connor 's room to pull the desk chair out . He had known it would force Connor to focus on what was going to happen . Then Gunn had seen the ruler on the desk along with Connor 's math homework , and decided it could have more then one use . He had put it on the chair and went back downstairs . Gunn took a deep breath and walked towards Connor . He had told Connor that he would be getting spanked if he pushed him again , which he had . And he had told Connor he would be getting spanked if he didn 't start following orders , which he hadn 't . Now it was time to follow through , even if it wasn 't what he wanted to do . Gunn stood in front of Connor with his arms crossed and said , " Faith had some interesting things to say about you before she left . Now I want your version . What happened when the Beast was going to explode , and what happened when you tracked Angelus ? " Gunn 's first reaction was surprise , and then he smiled a little and shook his head . " Nice try Sparky , but you know as well as I do that Angel makes you listen to everyone in the team when we 're fighting together . Obeying Faith was implied , and I don 't care who says it , when someone yells ' take cover ' , you do it . " " Exactly . You didn 't know what would happen . You put your life , and hers , at risk since she had to go back for you . " Connor spit out , " She didn 't have to . She could have left me there . I 'm a demon right ? I would have been fine . " Gunn shook his head at how stubborn Connor was . He walked over to the chair , picked up the ruler , and sat down . " Okay then demon boy . Come over here and let 's see how fine you are in a few minutes . " Connor shook his head no and scooted a little farther away from Gunn , " Okay , okay . o maybe I could have been hurt , and maybe I should have taken cover . will next time . " " We found him in a bar , and I could tell there were only a few vampires there . Faith is a Slayer , so I thought we could take them . Faith told me no , and I . isagreed . " Connor looked down at his hands in his lap , and gave a fairly accurate account of what had transpired between him and Faith . Gunn would have found the image of Connor being marched down the street by Faith comical if he hadn 't been upset by the fact that Connor had tried to physically fight with her . He said , " Look at me . " Connor could tell Gunn was much angrier now then he had been when they came into the room . Connor swallowed hard , knowing this wasn 't going to go over well , and nodded his head yes . Gunn shook his head not knowing quite where to start . After a few seconds of thought he said , " Faith was leading , and you didn 't follow her instructions . That 's bad enough right there , but then to top that off , you actually tried to fight her ? You know better then that . Would you have tried to fight me , Fred , or Wes ? " Connor didn 't like that comparison at all . " No it 's not ! I wasn 't going to kill her . I was just going to put her in her place . " Gunn was too stunned to speak for a few seconds . When he did he said , " Put her in her place ? What exactly do you mean by that Connor ? " Connor could see the muscles in Gunn 's jaw clenching and knew he had said the wrong thing . He said , " I . just wanted to show her that I didn 't have to do what she told me to do . " Gunn had to take some deep breaths and count to ten a few times while looking out the window . He knew he was overly sensitive about the abuse of women in general because he had spent so much time in shelters . When he could keep a level voice he asked , " Has Angel said anything to you about hitting women ? " Connor shook his head no . Gunn said , " When Angel is back we 'll take you to a shelter I know of , and you can see what a woman looks like after a man has decided to ' put her in her place ' by taking his fists to her , because I have to tell you it isn 't pretty . " Connor didn 't want to make Gunn even angrier , but he also felt he had to defend himself a little bit . " I would never hit Julie or Fred . Faith is different . She 's a slayer . I 've seen you beat up female vampires plenty of times . " Gunn thought about that for a few seconds . " You 're right , Faith is different from most women . But Julie and Fred don 't exactly try to tell you what to do now do they ? So did you think it was okay to fight with Faith because she was a slayer , or did you think it was okay because she was calling the shots ? Try to be honest with yourself and me about it . " Gunn nodded , " Thanks for being honest . We 'll talk more about that over the next few weeks , because I think there are some things I can tell you and show you that will help change your mind about things . But for now we need to get back to the immediate issue . What did I tell you I was gonna do if you tried to shove me again ? " Connor hung his head and trudged over to Gunn , hating being at this point again so soon , but not really blaming anyone but himself for being there . Once he got there , Gunn reached up and undid Connor 's jeans . They fell to the floor , and Gunn pulled Connor over his lap . Connor felt Gunn pulling his underwear down too , and he groaned unhappily . Gunn said , " Sorry kid , but I think the lesson will be learned quicker this way , and I need to see your skin so I can be sure I 'm not actually damaging you . " Connor thought to himself that Gunn would be damaging him and on purpose too , but didn 't say it out loud . Gunn brought the ruler down as hard as he could on Connor 's bare butt , and in response Connor 's body jerked slightly . Gunn kept going , and after a good twenty swats Connor 's behind was a definite pink color , and Connor started to shift around in an unconscious attempt to avoid the swats . Thirty swats after that Connor was more then ready for it to be over . His squirms had evolved into kicking , and he shouted out , " I 'm sorry Gunn ! Please stop ! I won 't push you again ! " Connor groaned in frustration and pain , and after another ten swats he put his hand back to cover his rear . Gunn stopped and grabbed Connor 's wrist . He tried to pull Connor 's hand away , but it wouldn 't budge . Gunn tried harder , but still couldn 't make it move . Connor said , " Please Gunn , no more . " There were a few seconds of silence , and the hand didn 't move . Gunn said , " The only thing you 're doing right now is making this whole thing last longer . I will not stop because you tell me to . I 'll stop when I decide you 've been punished enough . Now move your hand , and keep it in front of you until I stop . " Connor slowly put his hand back in front of him . He immediately heard and felt the spanking start again , and cried out in pain . A few seconds later Connor 's loud vocalizations turned into quiet crying . And quite a few swats after that , the quiet crying turned into louder crying . Gunn didn 't hear the crying over the loud smacking noises at first , but when he finally did hear it , Gunn 's arm faltered . He looked down at the back of Connor 's head and realized he was crying . Gunn hadn 't counted on how that sound would make him feel . Connor 's sobs made Gunn feel like crying himself . He looked over at Connor 's butt and could tell it was a deep and angry looking red . He cleared his throat a couple of times and said , " You are going to follow orders and stop pushing me , or we 're gonna end up here again . Is that something you want ? " Gunn gave him ten more swats all in the same spot , while Connor cried even louder , and then he stopped . He shook his head thinking to himself that when he had overheard Connor getting spanked , he had expected to hear yelling and crying , but now that he was the one causing it , the whole thing seemed harsher . Gunn tossed the ruler over onto the desk and rubbed Connor 's back . He said , " It 's over . You can get up . " Connor pushed himself to standing and fixed his underwear and pants while Gunn put the desk chair back under the desk . Connor was wiping at his face with his sleeves , and Gunn thought he looked pretty forlorn and lost . He walked over and pulled him into a hug . They stood that way for a few minutes while Connor cried . When Connor was a little calmer Gunn said , " I know things have been chaotic and stressful for the past couple of weeks . And I know the reason you were upset enough to push me was because you 're worried about your dad getting back to normal , but you have to look on the positive side of things instead of worrying about the negative . The Beast is dead , the sun is back , and we have a Slayer out there trying to save Angel for us . Things are getting better . When you start to feel like you 're going to lose control again , you just have to hold on to that thought so you can make the right choice . " Gunn thought this would calm Connor down , but in fact it made him burst into tears again . Connor couldn 't stop thinking that things weren 't getting better . He was a demon with a baby on the way , and he had no clue how to deal with all the thoughts and emotions that brought on . Gunn hugged him harder and said , " Hey now , I know it doesn 't feel that way , and I know you and Angel are going to have a bumpy road ahead after all the things Angelus said and did , but the two of you will get through it . You know how I know ? " After their stop at the bar , Wesley and Faith headed to the other side of town . They parked near a construction site where a new building was in the process of being built . Wesley looked around and said , " If he hasn 't left , he should be within a few blocks of this spot . " Wesley watched while she injected the liquid into her arm , and then put the empty tube and syringe back into the box . Faith and Wesley got out of the car with their tranquilizer guns . Faith took the lead and they started searching the construction site . A few seconds later Faith stopped while looking up . Wesley looked up as well , and saw a large cloth tarp that had the words , ' Welcome Faith ' spray painted on it . Wesley said , " So much for the element of surprise . " They heard Angelus ' voice from above them . " Faith 's right . Nice job kicking the kid 's ass by the way . I suppose I should say thanks for the show . " They looked up and saw Angelus was standing a few feet above them on some scaffolding . Wesley took aim and fired his tranquilizer , but Angelus easily jumped out of the way . Faith took aim and fired as well , but Angelus was quicker then the darts no matter how good her aim was . Angelus laughed at them and said , " Where 's the rest of the team ? " Angelus got a knife out of his back pocket , jumped down from the scaffolding , and tossed the knife towards Wesley . It stabbed Wesley in the upper thigh , and he yelled in pain . Faith rushed Angelus and soon they were engaged in hand to hand combat with both of them moving so fast , Wesley had trouble discerning which one of them was winning . Wesley limped a few feet back , and examined his wound . He didn 't think the knife had hit any major arteries . He took his belt off , and used it to make a tourniquet right above the knife . Then he took a deep breath , and yanked the knife out of his leg with a loud scream . He looked to see what kind of progress Faith was making , and was disheartened to see her get tossed to the floor with some blood on her face . He took aim at Angelus again , and fired the last tranquilizer at him . Angelus ducked just in time to avoid it . He turned to Wesley and said , " You 'd better play nice Wes , or I 'll make you last for days . " As Angelus was talking , Faith jumped up and kicked him in the stomach . He went flying backwards and broke some of the scaffolding when he crashed into it . Faith ran after him to keep up with the attack . While they were fighting Wesley took off his jacket and tied it around his wound . As the fight went on Angelus knocked Faith down again and again , and as she got up slower and slower , Angelus was able to kick her while she was down . She had to spit out some blood after the kick to her abdomen . Angelus said , " What 's the matter Faith ? Not as easy a job as you thought it would be ? " He ran at her and tried to kick her again , but she surprised him by moving out of the way at the last second . He turned to face her again , and she was standing . He smiled at her . " So tell me why you really came out here with only Wes for backup . " " You 're still trying to make up for all the stuff you did in your early years . Angel 's little protégé , running around trying to prove that the good inside you outweighs the bad . If it weren 't so pathetic it 'd be funny . No I take that back , it really is funny . " As Angelus was chuckling , Faith yelled and ran at him . Angelus quickly had her down on the ground with a heavy punch to the stomach . This time when she was down , Angelus knelt down behind her and pulled her up by her hair until she was in a sitting position . He tilted her head to the side and whispered in her ear , " Looks like you failed sweetie . See you in hell . " He bit her neck and she whimpered as he started drinking her blood . Angelus kept an eye on Wesley , expecting him to try and stop him , and looking forward to jamming his fist into Wesley 's wound . But when Wesley just stood there watching , Angelus realized something was wrong and stopped drinking . He let go of Faith 's neck , and looked over at Wesley with blood dripping off his fangs trying to figure out what they were planning . Then Wesley suddenly went out of focus and Angelus looked down at Faith . Faith gave him a weary smile and said , " See you back in Angel . " He tried to hit her , but he overshot the mark , and ended up on his face on the ground . A second later he was passed out . Faith looked over at Wesley and then passed out herself . Willow , Fred , and Julie walked into the hotel all smiling as Willow finished up a story about Angel and Buffy in their early days . Julie noticed Connor wasn 't on the couch anymore and turned to Lorne who was standing by the counter . She said , " Where 's Connor ? " Fred and Willow both said they would like one , and Gunn went back into the kitchen while Julie took the plate up to Connor . Connor could hear Julie in the hallway before she knocked on his door , and got up off his bed . He checked his face to see if it was obvious he had been crying . He could tell , and thought she probably would be able to as well . She knocked on his door lightly , and opened it . He turned around and looked at her . She smiled and said , " I brought you some are you okay ? " Connor looked down at the floor and shook his head no . She closed the door behind her , put the plate on his desk and went over to him . She wrapped her arms round his middle and said , " What 's wrong ? " Connor knew how she felt about Angel because he spanked him , and he didn 't want her to dislike Gunn as well . But he found he could still tell her the partial truth about why he had been crying . He put his arms around her too and said , " I 'm a demon . " He gently pushed her away from him so he could look in her eyes , and said , " You don 't understand . If I 'm a demon , then our baby , the baby you have inside you right now , is a demon too . That 's why you already know you 're pregnant , even though it 's too soon . What if you 're body can 't take it ? What if the baby hurts you somehow ? " Julie put a hand up to Connor 's face and said , " This baby was made out of our love Connor . It 's not gonna hurt me . And even if you are a demon , no one could make me believe you are anything but good , so our baby will be good too . I know it was kind of a shock to find out , and then finding out you 're a demon on top of it . . ell I understand it 's a lot to take . ut you 're not in it alone . e 're partners in this . kay ? " He felt more tears coming down his face , but this time they were tears of relief . He nodded , leaned down , and kissed her on the mouth . It was gentle at first , but it soon turned demanding . Julie kissed him back with just as much urgency , and they started pulling at each other 's clothes . Connor picked her up and carried her to the bed while still kissing her . He put her down and got her pants off quickly , while she worked at the button and zipper of his jeans . She yanked his jeans and underpants down , and he jumped slightly and hissed in pain as she dragged the jeans off his butt . She stopped in mid pull and said , " What ? " He instantly regretted having started this whole thing , and blushed when he realized he was gonna have to explain . He just had been lost in his emotions , and hadn 't thought about it before hand . Before he could say anything , Julie had sat up , and leaned over so she could see his rear end . She gasped . She started out sounding surprised and sympathetic , but ended up sounding angry , " Oh , Connor . ho did this to you ? " Julie glared at him , " Your fault ? How did they brain wash you into believing that someone else beating you is your own fault ? It 's not your fault Connor . " Connor lay down on the bed on his side so he was facing her , and she lay down with him . He said , " I 'm sorry it upsets you Julie , but you 're never going to convince me that I didn 't do anything wrong to deserve punishment , because I know I did . You seem to think Angel and Gunn are spanking me because they hate me , but that 's just not true . I wish I could find a way to explain it to you , and make you understand . . " A little later Connor wolfed down his food , and could almost feel his body making repairs . He looked over at Julie and saw that she had fallen asleep . He walked over and pulled the covers up higher on her , and kissed her forehead . He went downstairs to see if there was any news from Faith or Wesley . He saw the group standing at the counter watching Willow mixing some thing in a bowl . He said , " A witch making a potion ? " The door to the lobby burst open , and everyone turned to see Wesley limping in , and carrying a passed out and bloody Faith . Gunn and Connor ran to help him . He shook his head , kept a hold of Faith , and said , " Get Angelus . He 's in the back of my car . " Gunn and Connor went to get Angelus , and Lorne took Faith from Wesley . He lay her down gently on the larger couch off to the side . Fred went up to Wesley to help him limp down the lobby stairs and she said , " You 're injured . " Wesley shook his head . " I 'm unsure . He 's not tranquilized , he 's drugged , and I don 't know how long the effects will last . " They put him down , and stepped away . Willow took a handful of the potion she had mixed and walked to Angelus . She held out her hand and let some of it drip on Angelus ' head . She said some words in Latin , and then knelt down to look at his left wrist . She found the protective talisman , and smeared some of the potion on it while saying some more words in Latin . She smiled as she took it off his wrist . She held it up and said , " Got it . " Fred asked , " Can you do the curse now , or does he have to be awake ? " She walked over to the counter , picked up the Orb of Thesulah , and started the curse . As she was chanting , her eyes turned black and the air swirled around in the hotel . The orb started glowing , and levitated as she chanted . Suddenly Angelus went stiff , and his back arched off the floor for a few seconds . As quickly as it started , everything stopped . The wind died down , the Orb of Thesulah stopped glowing , and dropped into Willow 's hand , and Willow 's eyes were back to normal . She smiled at everyone and said , " It 's done . " Everyone looked down at Angel . His body had gone slack again , and he lay still , passed out on the floor . After a few seconds of silence Connor asked , " How do we know for sure ? " Wesley shook his head . " Willow knows what she 's doing . Let 's move Faith to one of the bedrooms , and put Angel on the couch . " Gunn went to Faith and picked her up . He carried her to one of the bedrooms , while Connor and Lorne got Angel to the couch . Fred said , " I need to take Wesley to the E / R to get his leg stitched up . " Gunn sat down beside Willow and said , " That 's fine . I 'll keep you company , and if you get tired I 'll show you to one of the spare rooms . " Connor went to go get the first aid kit , and took it to Lorne . While Lorne was cleaning Faith 's wounds Connor saw the one on her neck and said , " Angelus bit her ? ! " Lorne kept his eyes focused on Faith and cleaning her wounds as he talked to Connor . " Orpheus is a powerful drug that has both straight physical effects and magical effects . Humans inject themselves with the drug , and then let vampires feed off the tainted blood . Both get a high off of it . Some people hate it so much the first time they take it that they never try it again . Other people can 't stop . I 've seen more then one death over this stuff . It builds in their system . But the magical side of it makes it even more deadly then other drugs . Plenty of people die the first time they try it . The vampires are almost always fine , because they 're already dead , but a few of them have been known to be unconscious for days . " Lorne looked at him with surprise . " I don 't see how you think you can prevent it Junior . What 's done is done . All we can do now is hope and pray that she pulls through . " Gunn was very pleased that Connor was asking instead of telling , and thought that either the spanking had worked wonders , or Connor was just a lot more relieved now that Angel was back . Gunn nodded and said , " Okay , we 'll go together and see what we can find . We 'll call Wes and see if he knows where she got it , and we 'll start there . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A few hours later in the very early hours of the next morning , Gunn and Connor came back to the hotel tired but triumphant . They saw Willow asleep in the chair next to Angel who was still passed out . They went up to the room with Lorne and Faith and saw Wesley was there asleep in a chair . Lorne was holding Faith 's hand and singing to her . When he saw Connor and Gunn he stopped the song , and said , " Did you find anything ? " Connor held up a shot with a clear substance in it . He said , " It took a while , but eventually we found a doctor at one of the free clinics who gave us this . He 's treated more then one person who 's taken Orpheus , and he said this was the only thing that seems to help . It 's epinephrine with a small protective spell done on it . This guy 's cousin is a witch , and she helped him make these . He says it only works on about half the people that get brought in , but it 's the only thing we found . " Connor gave the shot to him , and Wesley deftly injected it into Faith 's arm . Ten seconds later Faith opened her eyes and suddenly sat up in bed breathing hard . She looked around the room with her eyes wide open and said , " Angel ? " Lorne shooed everyone out of the room , turned off the lights , and closed the door behind them . He said , " She 'll be fine . Now she just needs to sleep it off . " Later that morning most of the gang slept in . Fred was the first up , and saw Angel still on the couch with Willow asleep in the chair next to him . Fred made some coffee and when she came back out to the lobby with a cup of it , she saw that Willow was awake . She said , " If you want to go freshen up and get some coffee , I 'll sit with him . " Fred leaned back and drank her coffee relaxing . A few minutes later Angel opened his eyes and looked around . He made eye contact with Fred and said , " Fred ? " Angel nodded , but didn 't take his hand off his forehead or open his eyes . Fred went upstairs and knocked on Wesley 's door first . A few seconds later he answered and Fred said , " Angel 's awake . " Next she woke up Gunn , then Lorne , and last went to Connor 's door . He opened it , and Fred saw that Julie was asleep on his bed instead of in her own room . She said , " Connor honey , Angel 's awake . " Fred went downstairs and found the couch empty . For a second she had a terrifying thought that maybe Angel wasn 't really Angel , until she saw him come out of the kitchen holding a mug of pig 's blood . There was an awkward silence and then Angel said , " How 's Faith ? " Wesley looked away and said , " I understand it wasn 't you Angel , and I appreciate the sentiment because I know it 's genuine , but . just . . I can 't talk about that yet . I m going to go bury her today . " Angel nodded in understanding and said , " You did a fine job of leading while I was gone . Angelus lied to you about that you know . I never thought you 'd let me down , and I didn 't leave you in charge for some kind of second chance . I left you in charge because I knew you 'd be the best person for the job . " Wesley wasn 't sure what to say to that , and the room grew silent . Soon Lorne and Gunn came down the stairs as well , closely followed by Connor . The silence lingered and finally Angel said , " I 'm sorry you all had to meet Angelus . Maybe it wasn 't the best plan to bring him out in the first place , but we can 't live our lives always thinking about the things we regret . I 'm deeply sorry for all the things Angelus did to hurt each of you , but I think we should focus more on the fact that the sun is back , and the Beast is killed . You all did a wonderful job of keeping things under control while I was gone . I 'm truly grateful to all of you for staying strong and keeping the faith when things were grim . " Everyone nodded , and Wesley went to get Lilah out of the basement . The lobby was silent while everyone watched Wesley carry her out to his car . Once he was gone Angel said , " Gunn , Connor , could I talk to you in my office ? " Angel walked into his office followed by Gunn , and more slowly by Connor . Connor shut the door behind them when he went in . Angel looked at Connor and opened his mouth , but then closed it again not sure how to start . He instead turned to Gunn and said , " Thanks for watching out for Connor while I was gone , and I 'm sorry about the things Angelus said to you . . 'm sure it added to you and Fred splitting up , and to you and Wes fighting . " Gunn shrugged , " Fred and I have been trying to work things out for a while now . I think we both understood it was just a matter of time . And you know I 'm always gonna be there for Connor , and I think he knows it now too . " Angel turned to Connor and said , " Angelus always is the most evil to the ones I love the most . I never wanted you to see me like that . he things he said to you . D d to you . . I . I w nt to somehow be able to take them all back , but I know it 's not possible . All I can do is say I 'm so sorry , and try to build back your trust . " Tears were going down Angel 's face as he talked . Connor found himself crying too and said , " I thought I understood it before , but I didn 't . Now I know without a doubt that you and Angelus are completely different entities sharing the same body . When you . e fought with me , I realized you 've never used your full strength on me . nd when he . " % Connor thought it was very surreal to be listening to his father cry and make apologies to him . He understood why Angel felt that way , but it didn 't comfort Connor , or make him feel better about any of the things that had happened . He was more embarrassed then anything else seeing Angel looking heartsick . He mumbled , " It 's okay Dad . " Gunn looked back and forth between father and son , and knew they were both unsure of where to go from here . After a little bit of awkward silence Gunn put a hand in the middle of Connor 's back and gave him a gentle push in Angel 's direction . He said , " You two are gonna have to touch again sometime after all the trauma , and I 'm thinking the sooner the better . " Connor only went about two steps , and then stopped and looked at the floor , not really sure if he wanted Angel to touch him at all . Angel looked over at Gunn wondering if he were right or not . He didn 't want to rush Connor into anything if he felt uncomfortable . Gunn glared at Angel and gave him a nod towards Connor as if to say , ' Give him a hug you dummy . ' Angel took the three steps to Connor and saw him flinch before he pulled him into a tight hug . Angel didn 't even try to stop the tears that came down his face as he said , " I love you Connor . I love you , and I 'm sorry I hurt you . " After a few seconds Connor hugged him back . He hadn 't been sure if he had wanted this or not , but now that Angel was hugging him , it felt right and it felt familiar . He found he was comforted , and for the most part felt safe . He whispered , " It wasn 't you . " Gunn almost took a step back at the look , but stood his ground and gave Angel a steady look , " You told me to look after him , and I did . Connor deserved it both times . Do you want to hear about it , or do you want to punch me out ? " Gunn tried not to be hurt by Angel 's behavior . He understood Angel being overly protective of Connor at this point , because of the things Angelus had done , but he was hurt that Angel didn 't trust him . He was about to explain when Connor pushed away from Angel and said , " Don 't be mad at Gunn . If it weren 't for Gunn . . would have lost it when you were Angelus . did deserve it . both times . " U Angel refused to answer that and just looked down at the floor . He understood what Gunn was telling him , and on some level he agreed , but he couldn 't stop feeling angry at Gunn and protective of Connor when he heard that he had gotten more punishment that night . Gunn said , " Why don 't you let me tell you the whole thing before you interrupt again ? " Angel gave a slight nod of his head . Gunn said , " After his encounter with you . . ell with Angelus , I brought Connor home , and cleaned him up . fed him and made him take one of those painkillers they gave us for his ribs before I put him to bed for a nap . hen he woke up , I made sure that he was starting to heal , and that he felt better before I spanked him . nd even then I wouldn 't say it was all that harsh . t was more like me proving to him that I was serious . " Angel sighed . He had seen Connor blatantly defy Faith , and knew Gunn was justified in punishing Connor for it , especially if he had done the same to Gunn . Angel looked at Gunn and said , " I know you did the best you could with him , and logically I can say you did the right thing , but I 'm still kind of feeling the urge to sock you one . " Angel looked surprised and then turned to Gunn for conformation . Gunn gave a little nod . Angel pulled Connor into another hug , not knowing what else to do . Angel said , " I love you Connor , that 's never gonna change , demon or not . And you 're still the same person you were before you found out . " Connor nodded and returned the hug , " Yeah , Gunn already gave me the same talk . Along with the ' don 't hit women ' talk , and the ' obey the members of the team ' talk , and the ' didn 't I tell you what I would do if you pushed me again ' talk . Who knew he was so talkative . " Angel was slightly surprised that Connor was ready to joke about things so soon , and looked down at him to see that Connor was looking at Gunn and giving him a little smile . Gunn was smiling back and even chuckled before saying , " Who knew the little troublemaker could actually listen to all my talking ? " Connor and Gunn spent the next half an hour telling Angel everything that had happened while he was away , with Connor leaving out the fact that Julie was pregnant . By the time it was all over , Angel was feeling better about the whole thing , but still felt a lot of guilt over the things that Angelus had done , and found that he still had some unwanted jealousy over how close Connor and Gunn seemed to be . When it was all done Angel said , " I 'm really proud of you Connor , for keeping it together as well as you did , and for accepting Gunn as an authority figure while I was away . I know it wasn 't easy , and I want you to know I appreciate it . " Angel shook his head and held out his hand to shake . Gunn put his hand in Angel 's , and Angel pulled Gunn into a hug . Angel said quietly , " Thank you . " and then let him go . Later that afternoon Faith woke up , and declared she felt better then she had in months . Everyone was fussing over her , and she told them all to get over it , as she got out of bed and found her way to the kitchen to eat . While Faith ate , Willow told her about the things that were happening in Sunnydale , and Faith easily agreed to go with her to help out Buffy . Willow and Faith were all packed and ready to go , and Fred , Gunn , Angel , Connor , Lorne , and Julie were all standing in the lobby to say goodbye . Willow went over and hugged Angel tight saying , " I 'll send Buffy your love . " She walked up to him , grabbed his face in hers and planted a kiss on his mouth . His eyes were wide with surprise when she pulled her face away but kept her hands on his face . " Thanks . I owe you one . " Willow and Faith walked out the door . Connor watched them leave still too stunned to react . He felt Julie 's hand in his and he looked over at her . She was clearly angry and muttered , " I don 't like her . " Julie nodded and said , " I can see that now . Thanks for letting me stay in the hotel when the sun was gone and that Beast was on the loose . I do appreciate it . " Julie interrupted , " No ! I mean really don 't want anyone else to know about this right now . t 's our little secret . want us to have a clear picture of what we are going to do about all of this before we tell anyone . " Connor nodded . " You 're right . He 'll try to sway me one way or the other . We need to make the decisions about the baby and us on our own . " Julie smiled at him and gave him a kiss . " Thank you for understanding Connor . It means so much to me that you 're putting my needs and the needs of our baby first . " |
Jackson got his first big shots today : Pentacel and Prevnar . The Pentacel vaccinates against Hib , DTaP and polio . Prevnar protects against invasive pneumococcal disease ( IPD ) caused by streptococcus pneumonia bacteria . This is the bacteria that took Hudson 's life . I know many people have wondered whether Hudson was vaccinated . The answer , if you are one of those , is yes : she was fully vaccinated and totally on schedule . She had received all the scheduled doses of Prevnar when she died . At the time , Prevnar covered 7 strains of s . pneumo bacteria . In the months just prior to and after her death , the vaccine expanded to include another 6 strains . And there are more than 90 different strains of the bacteria - it is one of the most common bacteria in the world , colonizing in all of our noses and throats regularly . A small number of these strains are known to cause most IPD , so these are the ones the vaccines focus on . I am under the impression ( because I can 't remember an exact conversation ) that the strain that killed Hudson was not included in either the Prevnar7 or the Prevnar13 . I remember very well when Hudson got the Prevnar vaccine - the nurse told me it was the one that usually stung the most , and this always proved to be true each time she got a dose . I remember the first time she got it , at two months , her face screwed up into an angry cry and turned bright red and it took her several seconds before she exhaled with a giant scream . It was awful to watch and I felt so sorry for her . I have never opposed vaccinations and never even considered not vaccinating my children , but given our experience with Hudson , I became militant about vaccinations . Even though the Prevnar vaccine didn 't save Hudson , it wasn 't because it was ineffective - it was just incomplete and imperfect . The strains it did protect her against were the ones that most commonly cause serious disease , so certainly it was doing the job it was intended to do , since she never got any other major illness except an ear infection or two . ThereIn the early morning on Mother 's Day , May 9 , 2010 , Hudson woke up screaming . It was around 1 or 2AM and she was at full bloody - murder pitch . She had been fussing off and on throughout the day , a little bit clingy - we thought maybe she had some molars coming in . She had been sucking her thumb a lot lately , at times other than to go to sleep , which was her norm , and her thumb was always at the back of her mouth - hence , the molar theory . Saturday morning , I had taken her to her first music class . We had missed the previous two because we were out of town for the first one and then had the start time wrong for the second one . After the music class , I realized I was fairly close to the Value Village thrift store - I had been looking for some sturdy closed - toe sandals for her to wear to school , so I headed over there before going home . Didn 't find anything at Value Village , but saw a CVS next door and decided I should finally get around to buying some non - recalled baby Tylenol . Pretty much all but the CVS brand had been recalled , so that 's what I bought . So even before she went to bed on Saturday , I had considered giving her some Tylenol just because she 'd been so fussy and I figured those molars were just bothering her . But I didn 't - she went down like usual , I think , but then roused a couple of times between then and when she woke up for good , just fussing . Ed and I talked about whether we should get her up and give her some Tylenol , but she went back to sleep on her own each time . But when she started screaming , I knew something else was wrong . I went into her room immediately and was relieved to find that the poor thing had finally just gotten her chubby , precious little leg stuck between the crib bars and she had woken up and couldn 't move . Every time I tried to extricate her , she would scream some more . So Ed came in and we turned the lights on . Poor Hudson was still wearing her winter pajamas - these were white fleece with blue snowflakes on them . We hadn 't gotten around to buying any summeSo instead of going to the ER , I drew a lukewarm bath . Hudson generally loves the bath , so I figured this was probably a good plan . She wasn 't crazy about the colder water , but she got used to it and eventually started playing and splashing like she usually would . While she was in the bath , Jessica called and we talked a bit - she told me ( I think my sister had said this , too ) that if we had some Motrin , we could alternate the Tylenol and the Motrin on a shorter timeframe , every three hours , rather than 4 - 6 for Tylenol and 6 - 8 for Motrin . She also said that the fact that Hudson 's eye was slightly swollen made her even more comfortable that this was some kind of infection in her sinuses or ear / nose / throat , because kids often get associated eye infections with those . We didn 't have any Motrin , so as soon as Hudson was out of the bath , we took a walk to CVS with her in the stroller and Bess alongside . Hudson loved to be outside - she had just learned that word in the last week - and had a ball identifying and pointing to all the new words she was learning - airplane , helicopter , rock , car , bus , truck , ant , bee , flower . . . so many words . So she enjoyed the walk - she seemed in much better spirits . We had no idea it was the last walk we 'd ever take with her . Though we are never given the chance to do this when someone we love dies suddenly , I wish I 'd appreciated it more , remembered every moment , every word she said , everything she pointed to . We bought some Motrin , again the non - recalled CVS brand , and headed back home . I gave her a dose and within a short time , her temp was all the way down to 100 . 4 . She ate a big meal - I think we had taco salad that night , so she was scarfing the rice and meat and avocado . With such a big appetite and her temp back down so low , I figured we 'd turned a corner and were heading back into well - baby territory . She went to sleep easily , which was no wonder after her ordeal the night before . Ed and I both breathed a little easier . Except that at 11 that night , she woke up again . Her fever was back up to 102 , so we dosed her and kept her in the bed with us for a bit . She perked up immediately , to the point that she was sitting up in the bed trying to chat with us . It was almost midnight at this point and we all needed our sleep , so I went and put her back down in the crib . She went right to sleep without a problem . But she was up again at 2 . Fever was back up to 102 . We dosed her again with the alternate medicine , her fever went down a touch , and we put her back down . At 3 she woke again , with the fever raring back up to 103 . Since I had just given her the fever medicine at 2 , I couldn 't give her anymore . We brought her in the bed with us and turned the light on - every time I touched her , she screamed . We figured she was just exhaustWe kept her in the bed with us after that - the fever did come down , but I think it was back up to 102 . 7 by 6AM or so . I waited until 7 on the nose to call the pediatrician and she said we could come in at 8 . So we got Hudson dressed and tried to feed her breakfast . She took two bites of yogurt and refused anything else . We went to the pediatrician 's office and our poor girl was just not herself . She barely made a fuss when the nurse came in , although she did cry at least a little bit . When the doctor came in , her first comment was " She is SICK , " because little Hudson was laid out in my arms with her head all the way back and was not bothering to sit herself up or get more comfortable . The doctor looked her over , looked in her ears , which were perfect ( this startled me - I had been hoping all of this would be linked to an ear infection and we could get out of there ) , the whole nine yards , and nothing . My account stops Monday morning , halfway through the pediatrician visit . After I had gotten that far , I remember posting on Facebook something like this : " Mandy is finally writing . And it is even more painful than I thought it would be . " It was so horribly painful because writing down every moment of that weekend only highlighted each and every opportunity where I could have made a different choice that might , just might , have saved Hudson 's life . It 's not just about the decision not to go to the ER at 4AM . It 's also about why I didn 't take her to the ER when the fever first spiked to 104 on Sunday . Or why I didn 't at least call the pediatrician back and ask what to do . Why , when the fever spiked up a degree and a half only an hour after I gave her medicine , I didn 't at least call the pediatrician and ask what to do . Maybe she 'd have said to get our asses to the ER . Or why , if I didn 't call the pediatrician , I didn 't at least look in my " Portable Pediatrician " book , where the section about fever says plain as day that the fever is not the concern - it 's what 's causing the fever But I 'm not writing this to have you all reassure me again that I did everything I could do . Really , I 'm not . I know now that no amount of that is ever going to make this go away entirely . And believe me , it has gotten better - I am not plagued by this in the same way as I used to be . It 's just that sometimes certain things trigger it ( like vaccinations or hearing about high fevers ) and I have no choice but to go through it all again . Jess tells me that she does the same thing with her mom 's illness and death - sometimes she just has to let herself go back through every moment , every phone call , every decision point , again . Even though it can never change the outcome , I think telling the story over and over is just part of a process I have to go through , part and parcel of the grief . It sucks . I can 't even describe how much it sucks . But I have accepted that it is just part of the process . A process whose purpose is to help me one day accept that no matter what I do , there are some things I will be unable to prevent . No matter how hard I try or how much I wish , I can 't vaccinate Jackson against the entire world . Oh , that such a vaccine existed . I remember thinking when Hudson was this little that clichés are clichés because they are true : they just grow so fast at this age . Jackson is two months old today , and it 's unbelievable how much he is growing and changing right before our very eyes . At his one - month checkup , he weighed 11 pounds and 14 ounces - this is 5 more ounces than Hudson weighed at her TWO - month checkup . Granted , he had a one - pound head start on her at birth , but there is no doubt that he is growing at a much faster clip than she did . Just from a rough guess based on our scale here at home , he probably weighs about 14 pounds and change now , so he may have slowed down just a tiny bit from the pound - a - week rate he was growing at before , but not by much . Already , much like his big sister , he seems to much prefer standing with his weight on his legs to sitting down - anytime he is in the bouncy seat , I see him planting his feet at the bottom and stretching out his legs like he is standing up . His hair is too cute and most of the time , it stands up on his head like a little faux - hawk . His poor little face is suffering from a little bit of yucky acne , but only around his mouth and chin - he is a bit of a messy eater and is also a master of gastrointestinal pyrotechnics , so a lot of milk hangs out around his mouth , even though we try to clean his face regularly . I hate for anything to mar his beautiful little face . It 's been another wonderful month with our boy . We took Jackson for his first trip to the National Mall , where he saw ducks for the first time . Then his Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and we ventured out to the National Harbor , where he saw Peeps for the first time . We think he was slightly more enthralled with the Peeps this go round , because they are much more colorful , but give him a few more months and I 'm sure the scales will tip the other way . We also took him to Lake Artemesia in Maryland , where we saw some turtles gnawing on lilypads in the water . Eating and sleeping are still adventures . He is a champion nurser , but he tends to gorge , so he eats really fast and hungrily , often choking and spluttering , and frequently gulping down air bubbles that I can hear on the way down . I usually burp him two or three times during a feeding , and every time I turn him upright , I close my eyes and hold my breath - I know there will be spit - up , and it 's always just a question of how much . We go through burp cloths and outfits ( for us both ) like water around here . The grunting and writhing during sleep does seem to have settled down at least a little bit , but at this point , he 's already acclimated to sleeping in his crib , so it seems silly to bring him back into our room only to move him back to the crib in another month or two . But I do still miss having him sleep close to me . He is getting more and more stubborn about going to sleep , but I keep having to remind myself that he is only 2 months old - he 's got plenty of time still to learn to fall asleep on his own . But we still work on it . Usually for naps , I swaddle him and bounce him gently on the exercise ball until his eyes get heavy . About half the time , I can then lay him down in the crib with the pacifier and he 'll nod on off to sleep . The other half the time , I have to go back in two or three or four times and put the pacifier back in ( this is why I HATE pacifiers , but both my kids have had major sucking reflexes and had no trouble going back and forth from the pacifier to the breast - I only hope that we 're as lucky with Jackson as we were with Hudson and are able to get rid of the darn thing by 5 months or so ) . Lately , he has finally begun to notice when we leave the room and has started to follow us with his eyes as we do , so that complicates things . A few times a week , he still naps on my belly after he 's finished eating , and I get to stare at his sweet little sleeping face for an hour or so . His nighttime sleep seems to be headed in a good direction . He usually sleeps for a solid six hours from about 8PM until around 2AM . On a few good nights , he 's slept a straight ten hours . We 're getting ready to start a " dream feed " with him , where we give him a bottle of breast milk in his sleep right before we go to bed to see if that can tide him over until morning on a regular basis . Just like Hudson , his baby fussiness seemed to peak right around six weeks and then he really turned a corner . Now he spends most of his days happily staring at my face , the toys hanging from his bouncy seat , the colorful sea animals on his activity mat , or the ceiling fan . He fusses only when hungry or tired , and we can finally easily distinguish between the two cries . His favorite spot is the changing table . He loves to look at our faces , and particularly loves when we razz at him . He 's razzed back at us a few times , but not on purpose . We sing a lot : " The Wheels on the Bus , " " Heads , Shoulders , Knees , and Toes , " " Row , Row , Row Your Boat , " " If You 're Happy and You Know It , " and pattycake - all songs that require a lot of movement , so we do a lot of clapping , rolling and throwing our cake in the pan , rowing our boat , and opening and closing the bus doors . We sing a lot of other stuff , too , everything from showtunes to Prince to Coldplay . Every day when Ed gets home around 6 , he dances around the kitchen with Jackson in his arms , staring raptly up into his face - it is so very precious to watch . He is smiling more and more . He has even laughed a few times , but not regularly yet . His breath quickens whenever he gets excited . We spend a lot of time talking back and forth to each other - I respond to every smiley " Aaaoooooo ! " of his with my own " Aaaoooooo ! " and lots of other words and noises . He is already a big fan of peek - a - boo , too . The car seat is still hit or miss - he has not yet fully learned that it is indeed a happy place for dreamy sleeping , not a torture chamber for endless screaming . But he is coming around , especially now that he notices the Very Hungry Caterpillar hanging from the handle and the big mirror in front of him where a little baby mimics his every move . I am sure it won 't be long before the car seat becomes our napping fail - safe , just like it was for Hudson - if all else failed , we could always get her to nap in the car . It 's never easy , as every month that pasJackson at One Month I had one of those special moments with my two kids a few minutes ago . I only recently discovered children 's music on Pandora and today , during the hour between 5 : 30 and 6 : 30 while we were waiting for Ed to come home , the hour at the end of the day where Jackson is tired and ready for his bath and bottle and bed , the hour where I always have to find some good way to entertain him , I turned to it for the first time . I was on the sofa with Jackson sitting on my legs facing me with the Boppy supporting his back . I had been singing silly pop songs to him for a while , but he tired of that and had just started to get a little fussy when I remembered Pandora . I grabbed my Blackberry and created an Elizabeth Mitchell station . The first song was " Here Comes My Baby , " which I 'd never heard before . Although it 's a jilted lover 's song , these lyrics brought Hudson to mind : So I was already thinking about her when the next song came on . It was " You Are My Sunshine . " Before the words even floated in , I was already in tears . I kept my composure and sang to Jackson as best I could through the chorus : So I hung my head down and cried . How many times has this happened to me since Hudson died ? By the end of the first line , I was sobbing . But by the beginning of the second , Jackson got this huge goofy grin on his face and immediately I was laughing as hard as I was sobbing , thinking about what I had written the other day about how he always seems to know when I need a smile , and that maybe his big sister has something to do with that . My little sunshines . One here with me on earth . And one who is not here but is shining on me every day nonetheless . Posted by Jackson loves the bath just as much as his big sister did . We 've started him on the same nightly ritual we had with Hudson , with a nice warm bath before a bottle and bedtime . In not too long , we 'll add books in there , too . As you can see , he 's as big a fan as she was . At first , we were using the baby tub on top of the kitchen sink downstairs , but this past week , we moved it upstairs into the bathroom , where we always bathed Hudson . Which means that the little blue tub that lived on our bathroom floor every day for most of Hudson 's life finally lives there again . It still has the remnants of Hudson 's diaper cream on the bottom on the toddler side - her teacher at day care was always a little overly generous with the diaper cream , and much of it ended up on the bottom of the tub . Ed scrubbed it and scrubbed it but couldn 't get all the white off . Lately I have been grappling once again with the reality that Hudson is never coming back , that I will never see her again , that I will miss her each and every day of the rest of my life . Every moment of every day with my sweet boy reminds me of my sweet girl . He 'll keep hitting all the milestones she did , and I will remember . And one day , he 'll start hitting milestones she never reached , and all I will be able to do is imagine . Only a little over a year out , I am already so tired of missing her . I don 't want to have to miss her for the rest of my life . I don 't want memories and imaginings . I want her . I want her here . Every minute of every day , I want her here . But I can 't have her . All I get is memories and imaginings , and somehow I have to learn to live with that . For the rest of my life . So for today , I will say that I 'm happy that the little blue tub lives on our bathroom floor again . But I hope that white diaper cream stain never disappears . I can 't believe it has taken me this long to finally get around to writing this , but at this point , I fear I will begin to forget things if I don 't get it done now . As many of you know , the wait for Jackson 's arrival was long and excruciating . But my labor and delivery with him was anything but . I finished up work on April 29 , knowing that May was going to be an emotional month in many ways : Mother 's Day , the anniversary , Jackson 's birth . And since Hudson had arrived nine days early and Jackson was measuring several weeks big , I was convinced that he would be born early , too . So much so that my dad and I agreed that when he came up for the memorial at the Arboretum for the one - year anniversary of Hudson 's death , he should just stay until Jackson was born . Little did we know this would be another week and a half . At my 36 - week OB appointment , the doctor checked me and said I was about 1 cm dilated and 50 % effaced and that she thought I would deliver within two weeks . I tried , unsuccessfully , not to get too excited about that , but by the next week when I was full - term , I hadn 't progressed at all , so I began to wonder how long the wait would actually be . At 39 weeks , I was about 2 - 3 cm , but still not thinning out anymore . The OB told me that he 'd stripped my membranes a bit when he checked me to see if that would help get things going , but nothing happened in the next day or two except some spotting . On the third day , I started to lose my mucus plug , which really got me excited , but still nothing happened . In the middle of all of this , I was going for non - stress tests twice a week - once a week from 36 weeks on is standard for women over 35 , but I asked if I could go starting at 33 weeks , and by 35 weeks , I asked if I could go twice weekly . The tests basically involved monitoring the baby 's heart rate for 20 minutes and then checking my amniotic fluid levels . While they were very reassuring in the beginning , as we got closer to the end , we started to have a few blips here and there , where Jackson 's heart rate wouldn 't accelerate enough after movements , so that started to freak me out ( as if I weren 't freaked out enough already ) . On the Sunday before Jackson was born , I finally tackled organizing the nursery . I 'd run out of every other possible nesting thing I could do , and all of those bAt first , I was skeptical about whether this was really labor , just as I had been with Hudson ( you can read Hudson 's birth story here ) . The contractions began very mildly , just like menstrual cramps . This time , they started in the front , in my belly , whereas with Hudson , they had started in the back . This was a good sign , as I had been terrified of having back labor with Jackson , since he had been turned posterior for quite a while and I 'd been having some really sharp back pains whenever he moved . I was still sitting at the dining room table on the computer when the contractions began , and I decided to start timing them . They were coming anywhere from 6 - 10 minutes apart , but were not getting stronger yet . Dad came into the room and I told him that I thought I was having contractions , and he got all excited . I called our doula , Michele Peterson ( who was amazing , in case you are looking for someone in the DC area ) , just to let her know that I thought labor might be starting - she has a one - year - old , so I knew she 'd need to make arrangements for child care , etc . I decided to wait for an hour before trying to call Ed , just in case this was not the real thing , but when they were still coming pretty regularly by 5 : 30 , I called him at the office . He was out for a run , of course . I tried him again and again over the next half hour or so and finally got him and told him I thought I was in labor . He was about to head home anyway . In the meantime , Dad and I took a walk , again just to make sure this was the real thing - Michele had suggested that sometimes walking can make the contractions go away , but they didn 't , so I was pretty sure this was it . Ed got home and we all ate dinner . I had nothing but a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some saltines - I was thinking I was headed toward a long night with contractions and would need the energy to get through it and eventually to push Jackson out . I ate light , but as it turned out , I would probably have been better off not eating at all . After we ate , we settled in to waThe contractions were extremely painful by this point . The position I was sitting in ( kind of folded over the edge of the bed ) made it tricky to keep track of Jackson 's heart rate the whole time , but at some point , I stopped caring , because I was deep into the hard work of labor . Michele and Ed took turns massaging my lower back , because I wanted them to bear down hard to provide counterpressure to the pain I was feeling , and their hands got tired easily ( as it turns out , they were rubbing so hard that they rubbed a blister on the left side of my back , which popped later that morning - I still have a little battle scar there ) . Michele had also brought a rice bag that one of the nurses was kind enough to heat up for me , and I tried to keep that folded between my legs and my belly for some pain relief there . I was terrified that I was going to be sick . I had not meant to have so much food on my stomach at this point . Luckily , I never threw up , but I did have awful reflux through the whole labor at the hospital . This went on for a little while - I 'm not exactly sure how long , because I don 't know what time we actually ended up in the delivery room . I was doing pretty well with my deep breathing , and I remember that I was moaning a fair amount and talking to myself ( mostly saying , " Relax " and " It will all be over soon . " ) At some point , a resident came in to check on my progress . This was not pleasant at all , because it required me to change positions , getting up on the bed and laying down on my back , none of which I was happy about . The contractions were extremely close together at this point , so I was only getting a little bit of a break between each one , and it was not nice to have to spend that break getting checked . The resident said I was about 7cm , and I said , " Oh , shit . " This was the first time that I felt a bit panicky . Seven centimeters is pretty far along , but it also meant I wasn 't in transition yet . I probably knew that I wasn 't in transition yet , anyway , because I was still pretty wAgain , Ann took charge and told me to come out of the bathroom and do some contractions standing and swaying side to side next to the bed . They raised the bed as high as it would go so I could prop my upper body and head on it as I swayed , but it still wasn 't quite enough . I was so exhausted at this point that it was hard to hold myself up and still breathe through the contractions , but I kept hanging on . Michele was working hard to get me to focus - she kept telling me to look at her , at which point she would try to get me to breathe with her . This worked fairly well for a little bit , but it 's difficult to describe how out of control I started to feel . At one point , Ann told me to try to stand and lean on Ed and sway some more , and I did that , but I still couldn 't get comfortable and relaxed enough . Finally , they lowered the bed and Ann told me to get on top of it , on my knees and facing backwards toward the elevated head of the bed and do some contractions there . I was really panicky at this point and was having a hard time staying in control of myself . She kept telling me how close I was to meeting my little boy and that we needed to get him to come down some more . I kept saying , " Come down , little boy , come down , " as I cried through the contractions . Michele told me to look at Ed , who was standing just behind the head of the bed , so I kept trying to look at him and concentrate on his face in order to regain control of myself . I remember a few times ( that we laughed about later ) where I looked at him with my eyes open as wide as I could get them , as if by opening them wider , I could somehow see him better or concentrate harder . I remember thinking how crazy I must look and later when we talked about it , he said he 'd had to stifle a laugh once or twice because I did , indeed , look totally nuts . I started feeling the urge to push , but it felt different than with Hudson . With her , the urge to push was obvious and I knew exactly what it was . But this time , it was all so commingled with the pain of the cThe rest of it is just a blur . All I really remember is pushing , screaming at the top of my lungs , and staring in wide - eyed terror at the doctor . Then , what seemed like seconds later ( I 'm told it was about 5 minutes from that first push until he was out ) , the OB told me to reach down and grab my baby . And I did . And all of a sudden , the moment I had been imagining in my head for months and months and months , the one image I pictured over and over again to calm myself whenever my anxiety got overwhelming - all of a sudden , that moment had arrived and I was living in it . My beautiful little boy , covered in blood and gook , with a big mess of dark hair , was sitting on my chest . My water had broken at 1 : 05 AM , and he was born 40 minutes later . I felt such immense relief , both that the delivery was over and that Jackson was alive and safe on the outside . He sat with me for about 15 minutes while the OB gave me one small stitch for a tiny periurethral tear , and then the nurses took him a few feet away to weigh him quickly and get him into the hospital 's system . They brought him right back and as soon as I put him to the breast , he latched on and started nursing immediately ( and he can thank his big sister for giving me such good experience with this - it made all the difference because I knew exactly what to do ) . Ed came and snuggled in the bed with us and once again , we were beginning a new journey in our family , this time with our precious Jackson , who brought light into some of the darkest corners of our lives . I wrote before that it took a bit after he was born for the euphoria to wear off enough for our new reality to sink in . I looked over the foot of the bed at the picture of Hudson in the Arboretum and began to cry . Certainly I was crying for all that would never be , for our family of four with only three , but I was also crying for joy for all that I had right there in the room with me : a family of four with a beautiful new little boy , an amazing husband , and precious memories of the little girl who will always be the big sister . It will never be enough , but I was , and remain , immensely grateful for all that it is . Life with an infant is hard . Not to state the obvious . I think , like labor , that there is some evolutionary process that makes parents forget how intense these first few months are . The constant cycle of nursing , sleeping , changing diapers , cleaning up spit - up , doing laundry , pumping milk for bottles that Daddy can give Jackson , washing and sterilizing pump parts and bottles and nipples , waking two or three times a night with a hungry baby , trying to find time to shower and eat and , if we 're lucky , get something together for dinner . It 's a very labor - intensive process , for sure . I went for my six - week OB checkup last week and the doctor started to take me through an inventory of questions they use to try to identify postpartum depression in recently delivered moms . I had to stop her after the first question , which was " How often are you able to laugh and see the light side of things ? " or something like that , and the choices were " As much as I used to , " " Not as much as I used to , " or " Not at all . " I told her that it 's nearly impossible for me to answer a question like that because my baseline is just so far off from a normal postpartum mom . What does it even mean to say I can laugh or see the light side of things as much as I used to ? I don 't really have any idea . She scrapped the inventory . Life with Jackson as an infant is just so very different than life with Hudson was . It is significantly harder , not because he 's a more difficult baby ( he 's not at all ) , but because of all the heavy weight that comes with the baggage of grief . It is hard work mothering an infant . It is even harder when you 're mothering a dead child , too . For one thing , living these days with him makes me miss her so much more , in so many ways . As I wrote a week or so after he was born , every little thing he does reminds me of what she was like and what our lives were like with her as a tiny baby . Each time I plop him onto the changing table to get dressed or into the crib for a nap or into the bouncy seat so I can shower or into the Ergo to calm him down or onto my lap to sing " The Wheels on the Bus , " I remember . And on top of that is the sheer fact of her absence , the persistent hole in our lives where she should be , where we can barely even imagine her anymore because we have no idea what our lives would be like with two children . A constant thrumming rumbles under every moment of every day : " Hudson … Hudson … Hudson . " And I struggle every day with trying to live in each moment , to be here with my sweet boy as I still cling so desperately to his sister 's memory . I try hard to remember how lucky I am to be alive , to have Ed and Jackson here with me , to have my memories of Hudson . I feel awful anytime I feel frustrated or get the urge to complain , because I know both what it means to lose a child and how very , very fortunate I am to have one . And I don 't want to miss out on a single second of Jackson . And finally , these days are such an emotional struggle because they remind me of all the hard work we did caring for Hudson - all the labor of these early days , all the hours spent making all her food from organic ingredients , all the nights I got up at 2AM to pump during the last few months of that first year , even though Hudson was sleeping through the night , because I was determined that she get nothing but breastmilk for a year , all the hours I worked at night after she went to bed so that I could leave work at 5PM in order to pick her up from school and spend the evenings with her . Of course , I don 't begrudge my girl one bit for any of this , nor do I begrudge Jackson the work we 're doing for him now . Every second of every day with my children Posted by Like his big sister , Jackson loves the bath , so to help settle him down during the witching hour between 6PM and 7PM , we 've begun giving him a bath each night , after which he gets into his jammies and gets a bottle of breast milk before bed . I have found myself thinking so much about our evening routine with Hudson and how very much I miss it . Today , I found myself wanting to read this post I wrote last year ( oddly , last July , on the two - month anniversary of Hudson 's death ) and I thought maybe you 'd like to read it , too . Maybe some of you will be reading it for the first time ; others may be reading it for the tenth time . I have been waiting until today to write about another of my favorite memories with Hudson : our evening rituals . Not sure why I have been waiting , except that this seems like the right way to mark each passing month . Memories are a double - edged sword - they keep her close , but they also make me long for her to actually be close . And I worry about losing them , too . This is at least one way to keep them alive . When Hudson and I got home from picking her up at school , I usually set immediately to getting dinner ready so that when Ed got home , we could all eat and still get Hudson to bed at a reasonable hour ( at our house , this was 7 : 30 at the latest ) . I started pulling things out of the refrigerator and cabinets and Hudson set about doing any number of things . Reading books or playing with her toys in the playroom , which was right next to the kitchen . Climbing in and out of the rocking chair in the living room ( she 'd say , " Rock , rock , rock " ) . Chasing Bess around or just standing with her by the front storm door ( I kept the front door open and the storm door locked so the two of them could watch the world go by outside . It was one of their favorite activities ) . Pulling all the dishtowels out of their bottom drawer and putting them back in ( it finally occurred to me to put the good dishtowels up in a cabinet and put the ratty ones in that drawer so I didn 't have to wash them all the time before using them ) . Opening all the cabinets and pulling out the pots and pans ( often so she could climb in herself ) . Making use of any number of kitchen utensils that I kept in the lower drawers for her to play with ( with me having to wash any of these before use , too ) . Balling up pieces of paper and putting them into the trash can ( or at least trying to - the cabinet had a toddler lock on it , but she 'd seen us put trash in there so many times , she wanted to do it , too , so she 'd pull it open as far as it would go and just drop the paper inside . ) When dinner was ready , I said , " OK , let 's go to your highchair ! " and she would immediately wander over there . I put her in and said , " It 's time to wash hands ! " She held her hands out , one by one , while I wiped them with a wet paper towel . I put her food and a cup of water ( poor kid never got juice - she 'd probably had 2 or 3 cups of juice total in her whole life ) on her tray and she got busy . With gusto . My biggest irrational fear was that she would choke on something ( I mean , really , who the hell sits around worrying that their kid will get meningitis , damn it ? ) , so I still cut her food up pretty small even at 17 months . This is probably why she shoveled huge handfuls in at a time , though , because she couldn 't get a decent mouthful of food otherwise . Oh , well . Lots of nights , Ed wouldn 't quite make it home for the start of dinner , so when I heard him come up the stairs , I said , " Who 's that ? ! Who 's coming ? " and she broke into a grin and kicked those little feet up and down , knowing Daddy was home . He opened the door , peeked his head around , and said , " It 's Daddy ! " ( this was one of Hudson 's favorite lines from one of her favorite books , " Daddy Hugs " - she got such a kick out of the first page where the daddy comes in and says , " Here I come ! It 's DADDY ! " ) Hudson laughed and let herself be kissed , but quickly got back to the business of eating , about which she was very serious . Her only bad habit was that she loved to watch Bess eat food off the floor , so she often purposely held her hand or her spoon out and dropped food on the floor , looking straight at us the whole time , waiting for a reaction . All she usually got was , " Hudson , food goes on the tray , not on the floor , please . " When she was finished , we took her tray away , but often she apparently did not think she was done , and would keep fishing food out of the pocket of her bib . The girl loved to eat , I tell you . We washed hands again and then we asked , " Hudson , what time is it ? ! " She smiled and said , " BATH ! " If Ed was home , he took her upstairs to take a bath while I cleaned up the dinner dishes . When I heard them wrapping up and walking over to her room to put on her pajamas , I knew one of my favorite moments of the day was coming up . After she was in her pajamas , she walked over to the top of the stairs , leaned her face against the baby gate , and said , as loud as her little voice could manage , " Mama ! " ( Her daddy taught her this trick - he taught her all her best tricks , really ) . I can still hear it in my head as clearly as if it had happened last night , but it is one of those sounds I fear losing the most . I dried my hands , climbed up the stairwell on my hands and knees , and gave her a snuzzle ( cross between a snuggle and a nuzzle - it was really just a nose - rub ) and a kiss through the bars of the baby gate . Then I stood up and took her into my arms and we gave each other a great big hug before her daddy took her into her room for storytime . This is one of those moments I go back to many , many times every day . If Ed wasn 't home , then I would take her upstairs for her bath . I usually let her climb the stairs on her own , either on her hands and knees , or , in the later days , with great big steps while holding on to the spindles in the railing . At the top , I closed the gate behind me and we went into the bathroom . I put her toddler tub in the bathtub and started drawing the water and told her to go get a washcloth . She wandered out of the bathroom and into her room , opened the cabinet door in her dresser , and grabbed a washcloth ( or , usually , several ) . I grabbed a towel and we went back to the bathroom , where I told her to pick out her toys . She poked through her bin of tub toys - mostly squirting sea creatures and one plastic turtle with three building blocks for his shell - and picked out a few , which she threw into her tub . Then I sat on the edge of the tub , pulled her into my lap , undressed her , and ploppEvery other night or so , we bathed her with soap and washed her hair . Once she was good and soapy , we stuck her in the Bumbo seat on the floor of the tub ( no , not filled with water ) and pulled the handheld shower head down from its perch , turned it on , and rinsed her off . When she was littler , she LOVED this - - she couldn 't get enough of it ( see video below ) . As she got older , and actually minded getting water in her eyes , she liked it a little less , but still got a kick out of playing with the sprayer . When we were all done bathing , I said , " Ready for shaky shaky ? " In more recent days , she said , " No ! " and shook her head because she wasn 't ready to get out of the bath . I grabbed her tight under the armpits and lifted her up , saying , " Shaky ! Shaky ! Shaky ! " and she kicked her feet and wiggled to help shake the water off . Then we twirled around and I laid her down on her towel , which was waiting on the closed toilet seat , and wrapped her up , saying , " Baby burrito ! " And then I swooped her up and we looked in the mirror and I leaned her in so she could give herself a kiss in the mirror . We did this exact sequence every time I gave her a bath . Then we sat down on the toilet seat , finished drying her off , and brushed her teeth ( not a favorite activity ) . Finally , as we left the bathroom , she loved to flip the light switches off in the bathroom and the hallway before we headed into her room . Once we got her jammies on , I sat down in the rocking chair and set her on the floor . We kept all our regular bedtime books in a pile on floor to the right of the rocking chair . In earlier days , I set her on my lap and I picked the order of the books , but later , she liked to pick which ones she wanted to read each night . A recent favorite had become an extra copy of a photo book we had made for her grandparents for a Christmas present - we called it the " Hudson book . " We looked at each page and picked out and named Hudson ( at all her different ages ) , Mommy , Daddy , Bess , and all the other relatives in there . Some other bedtime favorites were Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed , ( complete with Hudson 's motions of smacking her head when " one fell off and bumped her head " and wagging her finger when the doctor said , " No more monkeys jumping on the bed ! " ) , Goodnight Gorilla ( she loved , loved , loved that pink balloon ) and Hush Little Baby ( she picked out and named the birds , the moon , the bear - lots of her favorite words were in that book ) . And of course , the finale was Goodnight Moon . Usually Ed and I had to pick that one up ourselves when it was time for storytime to end - Hudson loved the book but she knew it meant no more stories , so she rarely picked it up herself . She often fussed at us when we tried to pick it up , but that never lasted long once we opened it up . She positively adored the great green room and everything in it . We picked out all kinds of things : the clock , the house , the cats , the balloon , the three little bears , the bowl full of mush , the stars , and much more - she could say many of these words by the time she died , too . But her favorite activity had become finding the mouse - she practically wanted to skip over the pages in between the green room pages , so she could get back to the mouse . She knew exactly where it was on every page , but would look up at me , smiling and sucking air through her teeth , waiting for me to say , " Where is it ? ! Where 's the mouse ? ! " and then she When we got to the " Good night stars , good night air , " I would soften my voice , and then finish " Good night noises everywhere " with a whisper . By his time , she was usually already curling up on my shoulder with her thumb in her mouth , ready for her song . We inished our bed time ritual with one round of " Hark the Sound , " her head tucked under my chin , me swaying gently on my feet . Whe I got to the end of " I 'm a Tar Heel born , I 'm a Tar Heel bred , " instead of " Go to hell , Dook ! " I w ispered , " Don 't go to Dook ! " which always earned a smile or a soft giggle . The I hugged her tight , kissed her cheek , and put her down on her tummy . She turned her head to one side , thumb still in mouth , and I tucked her little polar bear and panda bear up under her arms on each side , and she closed her eyes . I s id , " Good night , my sweet girl " and closed the door behind me . On the day Hudson died , her blood pressure and other vital signs were pretty unstable throughout the day . The doctors had talked with us about the possibility that her body might not even make it through until the evening , when they were planning to do the second brain death test , even with all the medications and monitoring they were doing to try keep her alive and stable until then so the results would be reliable . We assured them that if she crashed , we did not want them to take any extraordinary measures - we knew our girl was already gone , but we just wanted a little more time with her before we would never be able to see her again . I didn 't leave the room that entire day . Knowing that this might happen before the planned hour , Ed and I took some quiet time alone with her earlier in the afternoon so that we would feel like we 'd had a chance to say goodbye , just in case . We talked to her , cried over her , told her how much we loved her - I remember telling her that there were so many things I wanted to say , but I didn 't know what they all were right then , so I just had to trust that she knew . And Ed told her that we knew she would still hear us when we talked to her for the rest of our lives . Then we read Goodnight Moon . On each page of the great green room , I said , " Where 's the mouse ? ! " and then pointed to it myself and said " There 's the mouse ! " We said , " Good night stars , good night air , good night noises everywhere " and then closed the book and said goodbye to our beautiful girl . We were fortunate to have more time with her and a chance to say goodbye to her again later that evening , but I will remember that most precious moment for the rest of my life . As parents , it seems we often focus on remembering and documenting " big " moments - Christmas mornings , birthday parties , first steps , and the like . As I 've said here many times before , now that Hudson is gone , it 's the ordinary , everyday moments that I miss the most . And it is these that I most want to remember . It 's been almost a week since I 've written anything here . I have several posts floating around in my head , but no real motivation to write them right now . In the past when I have gone long periods without writing , it has been because I 've had little inspiration , usually because I am just feeling really sad and having a terrible time getting any perspective on the grief . But this time , I 've had little motivation to write because quite honestly , I haven 't needed to . It has been a pretty good week . And I am working really hard at being okay with that . It is still a struggle , but it is becoming a tiny bit less so each day . And for that , I 'm grateful . If you read here regularly , you know that I have struggled with what , if anything to do with Hudson 's diaper bag , which holds all the clothes she was wearing on May 10 , the day she was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with the infection that would take her life . Her maroon fleece sweatshirt with flowers embroidered on it , navy pants with whales on them , a light turquoise polo - style shirt with puffed sleeves , a pair of socks , and her little pink Nike tennis shoes , a Christmas gift from her Grandma that she wore every day . Plus diapers , wipes , and the other usual things one finds in a diaper bag . And the discharge report from the pediatrician from the morning of May 10 , ordering us to return the next day to check in . An appointment we would not make it to , for by that time , Hudson was in a coma from which she would never wake . Again and again , I tried to somehow deal with the diaper bag , which sat under Hudson 's memorial table in her playroom for nearly a year . I tried to deal with it when I rearranged that room to accommodate my new sewing habit . And again when I washed all of Jackson 's clothes and all the other baby gear we would be reusing for him . And again when I finally organized the nursery the day before I went into labor with Jackson . But again and again , I couldn 't bring myself to empty it . So when Jackson was born , I still had not done anything with the diaper bag . And I also couldn 't bring myself to buy a new one , because it just seemed so wasteful . So for those first few days , when we went to the pediatrician , we took some diapers and wipes in a ratty old tote bag from our rather large collection . The next week , we were preparing for our first trip to North Carolina . I realized in the days leading up to the trip that we really needed the diaper bag and I kept promising myself that I would empty it so we could use it . By the night before we were supposed to leave , I still hadn 't done anything with it . Ed offered to help , saying we could do it together , and I said that would be fine , but still , it didn 't get done . I told him we 'd have to deal with it in the morning before we left . The next morning , as I got out of the shower , he came into the bathroom and asked me what I wanted to do with something that was in the bag - I can 't even remember what . I told him I was surprised he had started taking it apart without me . He said that he had put the pediatrician 's report in the recycle bin - I didn 't want that , did I ? I said , " I don 't know " and before I knew it , I just burst into tears . He felt awful and so did I . I couldn 't figure out why I couldn 't bring myself to empty the damn thing . He said we didn 't have to , and so we didn 't . I did , however , finally move it out of the playroom and into the closet in the nursery . I don 't know if that was really any kind of progress , though . So on the way out of town , we stopped at Buy Buy Baby and bought another one . I tried to find one that I liked that was different from the one we already had , but ended up buying an identical bag - it had all the features I liked and was simple . There was a reason I had bought it in the first place . And I liked it just as much this time as I had before . Last Wednesday , I picked Ed up from work because he had several large things he needed to bring home that would have been unmanageable on the train . I took Jackson upstairs to say hello to a few of Ed 's colleagues who had not yet met him . I took the diaper bag with me in the stroller basket , knowing I might need it while I was up there . Somehow , it didn 't make it back home with us . We have no idea where it got left behind , but it is lost . There was nothing of real value in it except the nursing cover that I used when Hudson was little , but that has only sentimental value , as I have abandoned those things altogether this go round . So we were left yet again with no diaper bag . Again , I threw some diapers and wipes and a burp cloth into a tote bag in a pinch yesterday when I had to go out . I 'd been trying to decide if losing the brand new replacement diaper bag somehow meant that we were just supposed to use Hudson 's . Ed 's folks are in town this weekend and this morning we were getting ready to head out for the day . I was changing Jackson 's diaper in the nursery and Ed came in and asked where the makeshift diaper bag was so that he could refill it . I sighed and said , " I 'll just go ahead and empty Hudson 's and we can use that . " I walked over to the closet and bent down to pick it up , and honestly , it was almost like how people say their lives flashed before their eyes . I touched the bag and felt almost electrified - in an instant , I mentally catalogued its contents and flipped through a series of sad images conjured by them . And then dissolved into tears again . I dropped it and said , " This is crazy ! It is a totally visceral reaction ! " Needless to say , we left it there and took the makeshift bag with us today . I theorized before that maybe keeping the diaper bag like it is somehow preserves a moment in time for me , a moment before all hell broke loose and our lives changed forever , a moment when Hudson was here . Or maybe it 's just another form of denial - as long as I don 't empty that bag , there 's still some crazy possibility that Hudson can come back and we can use it again for her . Or maybe it 's just a PTSD - like reaction . I don 't know what it is , but I don 't guess it matters , either . I don 't think I 'm ever going to empty it . So it 's time to buy another one . Again . You can email me at mhitchcock ( at ) alumni ( dot ) unc ( dot ) edu . Or follow me on Facebook or Twitter . I also write about other stuff at mandyhitchcock . com . Support Hudson 's school , St . Ann 's , which provides affordable day care for low - income families In May 2010 , my daughter Hudson died at the age of 17 months old from a very aggressive bacterial meningitis infection . Before anyone knew she had more than a common toddler virus , it was too late to save her life . One day , she was a perfectly healthy , bright , precocious , loving child , and the next day , she was fatally ill . We said goodbye to her on May 13 , 2010 . This blog is where I record the journey of learning to live without her . It is a journey that will never end . |
Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Artwork , Creativity , Design , Dog , Dreams , Encouragement , Fear , Gifts , God , Gratitude , Journal Writings , List , Love , Mother , Music , My Dog , My Mom , Odd Ramblings , Personal Enrichment , Prompt , Story , Tinkering With My Blog . . . , Words , Writing on March 29 , 2017 I have not posted in a while , but that does not mean I am not working . I am doing things on Facebook almost every day . I wanted to share these few things and show I have not forgotten my blog entirely . Much has been happening and I do not always feel like fighting with this interface . It eats my artwork , for no good reason . I don 't post anything not my own , so it makes me quite upset . I hope you will enjoy these entries . I am doing some videos now too . If you want to see them you do not have to be my friend on Facebook to find them . Just look up my profile JoAnn J . A . Jordan and they are public so you can view them . Thank you for reading . I hope God most generously blesses you in all you attempt and do . Remember you are precious and very important . You have a purpose and you deserve respect . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Encouragement , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Poetry , Original Prose , Poem , Poetry , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing on November 8 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 12 ) Morgan woke up shivering on the bunk bed where she had fallen into an exhausted sleep . As soon as she gained consciousness , she realized her left wrist , right ankle , and back were in worse shape than she had imagined before she lay down . She turned on the lamp her mother had given them as a wedding present and realized her wrist was an angry shade of purple , almost black . Her ankle was hurting worse than it had the first morning after she fell in the ravine . Her back smarted where the whip had dug into her tender flesh . She wished she could go to the hospital , but it was Sunday morning , she had no insurance because Tony had not been at his job long enough to gain coverage , and she doubted he would appreciate her writing a check for the cost . She knew there were a couple of thousand dollars in the account if he had not spent all the money she had deposited from her working summer jobs . She did not know the balance because he insisted since he made all the money that he should have control of the finances . He gave her a cash allowance for groceries and other spending . She knew he made good money at his present job , but she had no idea what he spent when she was not around . If the tip he left last night was any indication , there might be less money in the account than she guessed . She tried to use the crutches to hobble to the bedroom , but found it hurt to put any pressure on her left hand . This was not a good state of affairs . She wanted to go to church because there might be questions if she were not there . She managed to hobble to the bedroom bracing herself on the right wall . Tony was still asleep and she chose not to wake him . She did not think she could take more punishment like that of last night and she had no idea what mood in which he would awaken . She felt around in the closet her father had constructed and found a long sleeved shirt and a long skirt hanging together . She wished it was appropriate to wear jeans on Sunday morning , but knew people would stare if she did . She did not wish to draw undue attention to herself . She got fresh underwear out of her childhood dresser and limped to the bathroom . When she turned her back to the shower , she nearly fainted . Now she knew what slaves felt like after being beaten by an overseer . No pain so excruciating had visited her body before . She almost forgot her ankle and wrist hurt . God only knew what she had done to deserve this suffering . When she got out of the shower , she took a makeup mirror and turned her back to the mirror over the sink . The reflection made her gasp . There were deep red welts crisscrossing the middle of her back . She was glad the shirt she had found was dark and thick . She dressed and combed out her hair . She decided makeup was necessary and carefully applied it to her face . She checked on Tony again , finding him still asleep . They did not always go to church together so she figured no one would be overly concerned when she showed up alone . She tried to eat a bowl of cereal , but found she had no appetite . She picked up her purse , and slung it over her right shoulder . Again , she felt pain shoot through her . This was not going to be easy . She hobbled out the door and shut it quietly behind her . She made it to Katie in a few wobbly steps . When her back touched the seat , she drew in a deep breath . She cranked the Cadillac and backed out of the driveway slowly , trying not to rev the big engine . Driving was no fun , every time she made a turn or put on brakes she was reminded of her injuries . She made it to the small white church on the hill and found the parking lot already crowded . She parked as close to the building as possible and tried to walk inside without limping . She ground her teeth together to avoid moaning . One of her friends hugged her , and she wished she had not done so . One of the older women asked what had happened to her foot . She answered that she had fallen down some stairs . She made it through Sunday school without any more questions about her condition . The teacher did ask where Tony was and she told him he had wanted to sleep in because he was very tired . The pastor preached a beautiful sermon on First Corinthians Thirteen . She thought how that definition of love was lacking in her life with Tony , but she smiled thinking of Kelvin . Then guilt overwhelmed her and tears trickled over her cheeks . She swiped them away with her right hand . She shut her eyes and prayed that she could be forgiven . When the service ended , she walked out as quickly as she could . A few people stopped her to shake hands and hug her . When she got to the car , she sighed with relief . She thought it had gone very well , but she felt no absolution . She drove home slowly trying to avoid as much pain as she could . When she got home Tony 's Camaro was missing from the driveway . That could not possibly be good , but she was relieved she would not have face him immediately . She went inside and put down her purse and Bible . She limped to the bedroom and changed out of her church clothes . She put on another long sleeved shirt and jeans . Her back smarted when the material touched the welts . She limped to the front room and took a Diet Coke from the refrigerator . She thought of the crutches , but guessed they would be more trouble than help . She hobbled to her desk and took out her journal . She wondered if it was safe to write about last night and this morning . She decided she had nothing to lose . After writing down what she experienced , she put the journal back in the bottom of one of the drawers where she usually hid it . She took out some paper and wrote a couple of poems . One was a prayer of contrition asking for forgiveness and the other was a love song . It had been a long time since she was inspired to write about love . She thought about that and decided it was a sad commentary on the state of her marriage . After the preceding night , she wondered if she was crazy to be sitting in this apartment . Her pride prevented her from admitting to anyone else how horribly wrong she had been to get married . Now Kelvin knew she had reservations , but she did not think he would reveal what she had said to anyone else . She heard a car pull up in the driveway and stuffed her papers into a drawer . In a moment keys rattled in the lock . Tony burst into the room and glared at her . She answered , " I went to church as I often do on Sundays . You were sleeping so soundly I decided it was best not to wake you . I knew you had a tiring week and thought you could use the extra rest . " He nodded and said , " Thank you . That was sweet of you . I am sorry I was so rough on you last night . I will not do it again . Can you forgive me ? " He left and she sat stunned at her desk . She wondered how he thought a few words could erase the deeds of the night before . Maybe she was crazy , but it seemed like he would realize how badly he had hurt her . She wished she knew someone she could talk to about it , but it was long distance to call her best friend and she did not think anyone else would understand . After about twenty minutes , she heard the Camaro outside . He came in and served their plates from the bucket of chicken and side items . He sat down on the bunk and patted the place beside him . She carefully balanced her plate and limped the few steps over to the bunk . She sat down , and he patted her on the back . She bit her tongue to avoid screaming . She wondered if he could truly be so insensitive , or if he had forgotten whipping her . She decided there was no good explanation for the way he was acting . When she got back to the front room , he started the album . She recognized the artist as Pat Benatar . She had never heard the whole album before . As the song , Hell Is For Children played she felt tears begin trickling down her face . He said , " It is horrible that some people do that to their children . When we have ours , it will not be like that . We will be marvelous parents . " © Jo Ann J . A . JordanWednesday , November 6 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 13 ) Monday was the regularly scheduled game day at Ramsey 's house , but she was dreading it this time . She did not want the group to see her in her current condition . She was tired of wearing long sleeves already . She was a very warm natured person and she was overheating . At noon , someone knocked on the door . Her heart raced because she thought it might be Kelvin . When she answered the door , she found a woman holding a huge bouquet of red roses . She thought there was some mistake . Turning around and shutting the door she wondered why she had received such a lavish display . She limped to the bar and searched the arrangement for a card . She found it and opened the envelope . The message was scrawled in Tony 's handwriting . She found herself frowning with consternation . She did not understand why a man , who always said flowers had absolutely no meaning , would send her roses . He had never done anything like this when their relationship had been more loving . She sat down in her desk chair and stared at the flowers sitting on the bar . They were undeniably gorgeous , but she felt their beauty was tainted by his recent actions . She wished she could accept them as a lovely gift , but instead they bewildered her . Was she simply going insane ? Should she accept the gesture as one of love and good will ? She reached for the phone , but realized Yvonne would be in school at this time of day , and it was long distance anyway . She wanted to talk to someone who loved her , but would not react over - protectively as would her mother . Her family really could not know about this , someone would lose their temper and the consequences could be disastrous . Her male family members were hot heads who would not hesitate in using force to settle a score . Hurting a female was unconscionable , especially a female who belonged to them . She said , " I think I might be dreaming . This day is becoming extremely strange . Aren 't you supposed to be in school ? What are you doing here ? " He took her in his arms and kissed her . He said , " Does that prove you are not dreaming ? I took the afternoon off , senior privilege . I wanted to see you and thought this might be a good time . Does that answer your questions ? Are you still convinced things are strange ? " She tried to hide her pain and said , " Too many surprises . I think I need to sit down . " She stumbled as she stepped to the bunk and he grabbed her left hand . She gasped . He shook his head , " This said by the girl I have watched sprint up several flights of crowded stairs in four inch spikes when late to class . Tell me another story . I disbelieve that one . " " You forget I told you I care about you . I know you , probably better than the rest of the group . You think you can deceive me . You are forgetting who I am . Now look at me and tell me why I find you more broken than I have ever seen you , " he said . " Because you are one of the strongest people I know , and my questions have reduced you to tears . What did that son of a bitch do to you ? Did he figure out I had been here ? Is this my fault ? Other people may accept your stories or fail to notice something is wrong , but I am not other people , " he said in a voice roughened by his emotions . He roared , " You think this is none of my business ? You think I walk away when someone hurts someone dear to me . After so many months in my presence , you have learned so little about me . Come on Morgan , if you do not tell me now , I swear all of us will beat it out of him tonight . Don 't try my patience and remember I never make idle threats . " " I have heard about the bullies who tormented you . Did you make excuses for them like this ? Is that why your brothers never beat the crap out of them ? " He demanded . " Well , I 'm asking , and you are going to give me an honest answer or I am walking out of here and you will never see me again . Answer me now , woman . I will not ask again , " he said with such force it frightened her . " He came home a while after you left . We went to the Barbecue House for supper . He flirted with the waitress and left her a twenty - dollar tip . I drove to the theater and we saw a horror movie . When I was scared , he laughed at me . He refused even to hold my hand . He walked way ahead of me to the car and played the stereo so loud it made my head hurt . When we got home , he locked me out . When I stepped inside in the dark , he grabbed me and covered my mouth as I screamed . Is that enough to satisfy your curiosity ? " She said looking into his eyes . She nodded and continued , " I stumbled and he let me go . I fell hard on the floor and twisted my ankle again . He cursed at me and refused to help me up off the floor . He told me he had plans and told me to crawl to the bedroom . As I was crawling , he walked by me and kicked my left wrist . I nearly fell on my face . He got to the bedroom and turned on the light . He threw me on the bed and tied my hands over my head with rope . I really don 't want to say any more , is it not enough ? You don 't understand , I have to relive it all as I tell you . " She took a deep breath and began again , " He left the room and came back with a tumbler of whiskey . He took both our clothes off . He turned me onto my stomach and beat me with a whip . When I begged him to stop , he demanded I do what he wanted . I did it and he threw me back on my stomach . He took me roughly from behind . When he finished he drank some whiskey , lit a joint , and told me to leave him alone . I made it to the bathroom , untied my hands , and put on my bathrobe . I slept on this bunk . I woke up in pain . " " Oh my God ! I have seen some bad things , but this is too much . You poor darling ! No wonder you did not want me to touch you . You should have gone to the hospital . I can take you now . I have my license even though I don 't have a vehicle , " he said . " You would not let it go . Others would not either . Someone would get in terrible trouble . You have to keep it a secret . Tell no one ! " She said . She kissed him and put her arms around his neck . She said , " Thank you for not giving up until you got the truth and for listening . I needed someone to talk to about all of it . Why do you think he is being so nice now ? " He explained , " Probably because he feels guilty , is a coward , and thinks that being nice will save his ass by causing you to keep quiet about what happened . I am sure he knows he should have never treated you that way . He may be scared you will talk to the police . They would arrest him in a heartbeat after seeing your back . I will take you to talk to them if you want to go . " He kissed her gently and said , " You know someone should put something soothing on those welts . I do not know how you will avoid terrible scars . How can you trust anyone when he did this to you ? " She smiled , " Just because one person does something hurtful does not mean that another person is also cruel . Each one should be held accountable for his or her own actions . God calls us to let go our judgment of all others and love each other alike . Forgiveness is a gift of peace that we give to ourselves . " He said , " I knew there was a reason I admired you . Come sit in my lap for a few minutes before I leave . This has not been exactly the afternoon I envisioned . I do not pretend to understand why you insist I keep this secret and mete out no punishment . I will warn you not to come between our characters in Ambazzar . How are you going to answer questions from the others tonight ? They may not call you out on it as I did , but they are apt to wonder about anything you tell them . " She said , " I would like that very much . Now you should probably be leaving . I cannot imagine what he would do if he caught us together like this . I do not think it would be pretty . He was not even happy you carried me out of the woods . " She answered , " No , but there is some tension between you two . I have been watching it for months now . You are a leader , and I know he resents authority . " Otherwise Entertained ( 14 ) Sitting at her desk , Morgan thought about Kelvin . He would have a hard time carrying her secret and keeping his hands off Tony . She knew he never backed down from a challenge and always defended his friends . His admission of care for her put her in the position where he would want to fight for her . He was not a jock , but he had proven when he carried her from the woods that he was strong . Only her pleas that he not act on his feelings of revenge would keep him from beating Tony mercilessly , if those worked . She was unwilling to give up the game nights , but maybe Tony would fall away from the group . She knew there would be some repercussions for his treatment of her . Even if they did not know what happened , the others would probably sense something . Kelvin might not act in reality , but Kaos had no inhibitions . She heard the Camaro pull into the driveway and tucked the poem beneath some other papers in a desk drawer . Tony unlocked the door and burst into the apartment , the door banging against her desk . His eyes swept the room and came to rest on her face . He gathered their gaming things from the black metal shelf , gave her purse to her , and said , " Let 's go then . Is your ankle still hurting ? I can drive Katie for you . " He drove to the restaurant and opened her door for her . He held her arm , allowing her to lean on him as they walked inside . After they finished the meal , he helped her back to the car and made sure she was comfortably seated before starting the Cadillac . Tony came in with their books and gaming gear . He handed Morgan 's things to her and started to sit down near Kelvin who suddenly spread his books out into that space . Tony changed direction and took an empty chair across the room . Ramsey suggested they take a break and have some snacks . They all filed into the kitchen carrying on lively conversations about the game . Morgan noticed Tony sullenly refused to participate . Kelvin seemed determined to keep his distance from her husband . They returned to the den and Tony rolled a new character . In their next sally into the dungeon , Kelvin 's character , Kaos , again turned his weapons on Tony 's character . Tony was left sitting quietly in the background as the game continued around him . When the game broke up about an hour later , Tony left the house without a word to anyone . Kelvin picked up Morgan 's gaming gear along with his own and walked her to the car . Tony was already sitting in the passenger seat with the stereo blaring . Kelvin opened the driver 's side door and deposited Morgan 's gear in the back seat . He said , " Tony , don 't you think you should drive ? Your wife seems in no shape to be handling a vehicle . " She drove there and he slammed Katie 's door especially hard when he got out . She turned the stereo off and enjoyed the quiet . After a few minutes , he came out with a brown paper bag . He turned the stereo back on at high volume . When they reached the apartment , he jumped out of the car leaving their gaming gear in the back seat . She gathered it and limped to the closed apartment door . She was not surprised when she found it locked . She opened the door and stepped inside . She saw him pouring Bacardi 151 into a glass on the bar . He sat down on a bunk and began drinking . She sat in her desk chair and listened to the music . It was not as loud as he had played the stereo in the car because he could not afford to disturb the neighbors above or in the other basement apartment next to theirs . He answered , " It is not as late as some nights and I really need to calm down after this evening . I never realized how boring it was to just sit and watch the game being played . I wanted to punch Kelvin for killing my characters . Tonight was awful . I am not sure I will go Wednesday . I could go hang out with Michael while you were gone . " She said , " I am sorry it was not pleasant for you . I am also very glad you did not hit Kelvin . It would have been bad for a fight to break out over the game . Ramsey 's mother might have banned everyone from playing there anymore and that would be unfair to the others . " He said , " Yeah , I thought of that . I knew it was all an accident anyway . I have not been in a fistfight in years and did not want to hurt anyone . " She said , " It was good you thought about it . I would hate to see you in a fight . You might get hurt and that would make me unhappy . " He finished his drink and said , " I think I will head to bed . Work time comes early . Will you join me , I hate for you to sleep up here . " She said , " I will be back in a while . I have a few things to do before I settle down . I will slip in quietly without disturbing your rest . Sleep well with sweet dreams . " He left the room and then she heard the bedroom door close . She thought about what Kelvin had done during the game and smiled . She knew he would like to do something similar in real life , but she was glad he had restrained himself throughout the evening . She wondered what all of them would think of her coming to play alone , but she guessed she was enough a part of the group that it would make little difference . She took out the poem she had written that afternoon and read it again . It was not great , but she liked it . Maybe one day she could share it with Kelvin . He might like it , but then again some people had no use for poetry . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Friendship , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Movies , Music , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Story , Writing on November 6 , 2013 I had a very hard time getting this written . I am still uncertain I handled the love scene well . Fortunately , in the end the words began to flow and it got easier . Please be advised there are adult language , content , and situations in this post . If you were abused there may be triggers here . As always , read at your own risk . Otherwise Entertained ( 11 ) Morgan did not sleep well , troubled by uneasy dreams . She woke before the clock alarmed at 6 : 00 . She cooked scrambled eggs and toast for Tony 's breakfast . He grumbled about having a headache , but left for work without mentioning the night before . She turned on the small black and white television for a few minutes hoping to distract herself , but she found as usual that it did not entertain her . After turning the television off , she put Neil Young 's Decade on the stereo . The music provided a pleasant background for her to tidy the apartment . Side one of the album finished playing and cut off itself . She wondered what Kelvin was doing this morning , but guessed he would still be asleep . She showered , but before she finished dressing , someone knocked on the door . She grabbed her plush white terry cloth bathrobe , put it on over her underwear , and belted it tightly at her waist . She wondered who would be visiting this early on Saturday morning . As she passed the window , she noted that only Katie was in the driveway . The knocking continued and she opened the door . She was surprised to find Kelvin standing there . She stepped to the side to let him in and asked him , " How did you get here ? " After he shut the door behind him , he took her in his arms . His embrace was tender and warm . She wrapped her arms around him in return . She answered , " It seems to be getting better . Thank you for bringing me out of the woods . I do not think I could have walked so far alone . You seem more concerned about my ankle than anyone else . " They were still holding hands and she thought how nice it was . Kelvin slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against him . They kissed again and Morgan felt her body reacting to his tenderness . She looked into his kind brown eyes and said , " You are making it better by being here . I never dreamed you would walk this far to see me . It is not safe for either of us . " He kissed her again , and said , " Safety is overrated . Besides no one knows I am here , there is no car to give us away . I suppose that is one advantage of being the only person without a car at eighteen . I never before thought there was anything positive about it . " She put a finger to his lips , and said , " He has been pulling away from me for some time ; he hurts me with words and actions . I do not feel like I used to , I made a horrible mistake marrying him , but he was different then . I think some of it is the drugs he takes . I think those have changed him . I was not aware of that habit . I have tried to get him to quit , but he ignores me . I was so stupid . " Their lips met and the kissing went on for several minutes . She broke away from his mouth and snuggled into his neck , kissing him there . He pulled her onto his lap and slid his hands beneath her robe . She moved her hands over his chest . The phone rang , startling them both . She limped across the room to answer it . It was a telemarketer wanting to sell her magazines . She hung up . They lay down facing each other on the bunk and as they kissed , they explored one another 's bodies . The gentleness with which he touched her made her body quiver and tingle . There was no rush , no selfishness , and she reacted in kind . The piercing ring of the phone made them both jump . She got up to answer it , and took a few deep breaths before she lifted the receiver to her ear . She turned to face Kelvin as she said , " Hello Tony . " While he told her he wanted her ready to go out when he got home , she and Kelvin were making themselves presentable . Tony was getting off early . It appeared he had forgotten to tell her he wanted to go for dinner and a movie that evening . He slipped out the door , closing it softly behind him . She hugged herself and wished things were different . Wishing they did not have to worry about being discovered . They were lucky this time ; Tony could have come home without warning . She wondered what she was going to do . Nothing was as simple as it should be . She limped to the bedroom and put on jeans and an embroidered blouse . In the bathroom , she brushed her hair until it shone . She put on a little make up hoping Tony would be pleased . When he came home , he rushed past her , and slammed the bedroom door . He came out a few minutes later in jeans and a concert tee shirt . He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator . He frowned and said , " What makes you think I am driving ? You can do it just as well as I can . At least you are good for that . " She winced , thinking how different it was dealing with Kelvin . She wished she could walk away , but it was all so complicated . When she moved out of her parents ' house , she had promised herself she would never go back to that torment . Yet there was really nowhere else she could go . Better here with Tony , than there . The movie was another horror film . When she tried to hold his hand during the scary parts , he brushed her away . When she screamed , he laughed at her . Walking to the car , he strode off ahead of her . He turned the stereo so loud on the way home that it gave her a headache . He jumped out of the car when they reached the apartment and hurried inside . She found the door locked again . The lights were out when she came through the door . She reached for the switch and he grabbed her wrist and slipped in behind her putting his other hand over her mouth when she started to scream . She stumbled and he let go of her . She fell hard onto the floor . He laughed , " Not such a brave bitch now , are you ? Get up you sorry piece of shit ! Get to the bedroom ; I have a little game in mind . " She whimpered , and crawled toward the bedroom . She was grateful the floor was clean since she had vacuumed that morning . Tony passed her and kicked one of her hands from under her so she almost hit the floor face first . He turned the bedroom light on and she was grateful for the light . As she entered the room , he grabbed her , picked her up , and threw her on the bed . He took a rope and tied her hands above her head . He came back with a tumbler of whiskey over ice . He sat it on the nightstand and began undressing . He almost tore her clothes off . He rolled her over on her stomach and then she heard a hiss and felt a sting on her back . She cried out . She felt the sting again several times , and wondered what had given him this idea . She had known he bought a whip a while back , but thought it only a keepsake . He had never been this mean . He said , " Then get up and get me off . Since your hands are tied you will have to use your mouth , but you are good at that . Real good . " She did as he said , trying to think of something else . Trying not to dwell on the degradation . She knew she could survive this , knew she would be okay . She had already proven herself strong . After she had pleasured him once , he quickly revived . He threw her back down on her stomach and took her roughly from behind . When he was done , he finished his drink , lit his pot , and told her to leave him alone . She stumbled out of the room , leaning heavily on the wall , with her hands still tied . She went to the bathroom and managed to get the rope off after several minutes . She put on her bathrobe and washed her face . She limped to the front room and found her crutches under one of the bunks . She got a Diet Coke out of the fridge ; thanking God the episode was over . She hoped he would fall asleep , as he usually did after sex , and leave her in peace . She thought back over the day as she sat at her desk . She took out pen and paper to begin writing . She shook her head musing what a difference a few hours could make . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Fear , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Music , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Story , Writing on November 5 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 10 ) After doing chores and a quick shower on Friday morning , Morgan decided to go shopping at Winn - Dixie . She needed to pick up a few things in case the guys showed up that evening . She limped outside and got in Katie . It was the first time she had driven since injuring her ankle , but she had suffered such things in the past and thought she could handle it . When she arrived at the store , she grabbed a buggy in the parking lot and hobbled inside . She put some chips , dip , orange juice , lettuce , tomatoes , Catalina , Ranch , and Thousand Island dressings , mushrooms , bell pepper , cucumbers , Froot Loops , milk , eggs , bread , hot dog buns , hamburger buns , butter , cheddar cheese , bologna , hot dogs , sliced ham , ground beef , grapes , oranges , strawberries , a bag of ice , Diet Coke , Sprite , and Coca Cola in the cart . While waiting in line she leafed through Cosmopolitan magazine , and glanced at the cover of Vogue . The woman rang up her purchases and she checked the total . She realized she had enough money to afford the magazines and asked those be added to her bill . She paid with cash and pushed the buggy out to the car . There was plenty of room for everything in the cavernous trunk . She drove home carefully , wincing when she had to stop at signs and traffic signals . Luckily , in the small town there were not many of those on her route . She unloaded the car and put all the groceries away . She noticed the spaghetti Tony had made several nights earlier was beginning to mold , but she was busy and forgot to throw it out . She was a little nervous about what might happen that evening . She knew Kelvin said they would be there , but there had been no calls to confirm and she was not sure which of them would actually come over . She had not been able to concentrate very much on making up a new game scenario . Her mind kept wandering back to the magical moments in the woods . She marveled that one kiss could so disturb her equanimity . Tony had been distant all week , as had been his demeanor for some time . She did not mind it so much , because her mind was elsewhere anyway . They did have sex a couple of times , but he was not tender or loving . It was just something to satisfy his physical needs . He had not been willing to take her to the hospital , so she was not sure how badly her ankle was hurt . He did nothing to make accommodation for her injury . When they went out , he had walked swiftly and left her behind him . She took a second shower , enjoying the caress of the hot water and the sweet smells of soap , shampoo , and conditioner . As she toweled dry , she wondered what she should wear . She picked out a ruffled white shirt , black jeans , and a belt with a large Celtic buckle . She had never worn much make up , but she did her face carefully that afternoon . She highlighted her hazel eyes with an extra bit of mascara and curled her long straight auburn hair . As she applied the deep red lipstick , she wished her lips were thinner . She could not help remembering the taunts of her peers who called her nigger lips . Fortunately , the bullying had ended when she left school . She did not miss it much , although she always enjoyed learning new things . She thanked Jesus again that she no longer had to wear glasses , but had contacts that made the world much clearer than ever before . She decided to leave the bandage off , not wanting to draw any attention to her foot by going without her shoe . The Nikes were comfortable and she thought she would be fine . She should probably be using the crutches , as she had most of the week , but that was something she did not care to do in front of the guys , especially Kelvin . Tony came home around 6 : 00 , and said , " What have you been up to today ? I see you cleaned yourself up nicely ; too bad no one cares what you look like . You are basically useless . " She replied , " I bought groceries and cleaned up around the house . You know your clothes do not pick themselves up off the floor and deposit themselves in the hamper . The bed would be a mess , as you left it , had I not made it . The dishes and the floor would still be dirty without my cleaning them up . I hope your day went well . " He went to the bedroom and slammed the door . In a few minutes , she glanced up and saw him walk naked to the bathroom . He slammed that door and she heard the shower come on soon afterward . She went to the bedroom and laid out an outfit she liked . He frowned at her , but did not complain . She was glad because she did not wish to argue over clothes . About 7 : 00 , there was a knock on the door . She opened it and found Kelvin , Ramsey , and Wagner waiting . They had their gear and some food . Wagner brought in a twelve pack of beer . Kelvin took the twelve pack and put it in the refrigerator then passed Tony , Ramsey , and Wagner each a beer . He began arranging the food they had brought on the bar . There were nuts , a box of doughnuts , and a loaf of banana bread . " Ah , same old , same old . You know I am ready for it to be over . You were lucky to meet your requirements in the first quarter . You have always been extremely smart ; it was not hard for you . I will be happy just to graduate on time , " he said with a rakish grin . She laughed , " I am only a C student . I was just determined and I left my electives toward the end so the study was not too hard at the finish . The math in my sophomore and junior years almost defeated me . It was doubtful I would pass at times . Those D grades blew the rest of my average . " There was a knock at the door , and Kelvin jumped up to open it . Cade , Jason , and Max poured into the room . They sat down on the bunks and Kelvin grabbed a few beer from the refrigerator . Morgan noticed he paused and shot her a puzzled look before closing the door . He handed out the brews without saying anything to her . Morgan put Black Sabbath on the stereo and moved back behind the bar . Things were not going as well as she hoped , but she thought a salad and sandwich might appease Tony . She fixed the food and took it to him because he had not had supper . " You going to be rude and offer food to no one else . What a bitch ! " He said and almost tumbled the plate and bowl from her hands . As they played in the dungeon , Morgan handed out more beer and fixed drinks for those who wanted something stronger . She noticed Kelvin and Ramsey were nursing their first beer of the night . Some of the others began to show signs of inebriation because the liquor was flowing too . She limped to the bathroom and locked the door behind her . After she washed her hands , as she was drying them , she heard the door rattle and Jason stumbled into the room . He stopped and locked the door , then turned to face her . She backed up and he reached out for her . He said , " I 've come for you , Morgan . I have been waiting for a long time . I 'm going to take you to Hell . " She screamed , knowing the others were only a few feet away . He grabbed her shirt and she slipped out of his grasp . She almost fell as she backed into the tub . She screamed some more , but there was no answer . Jason grinned at her and his eyes seemed to blaze . As he came closer to her once more , she said , " Get thee behind me , Satan ! The blood of Jesus Christ saves me . You have no dominion over me . Leave now ! " He shuddered , turned , and left the small bathroom . She crept out of the tub . When she looked in the mirror , she realized she was deathly pale . She straightened and buttoned her shirt where his hands had rearranged her clothes . " I just wondered , he may have quite a hangover the way he has been drinking . You have a good night and take care . We 'll see you soon , " he said and left . He tore her shirt and pushed her onto the bed . He pulled her clothes off and undressed himself . She focused on the owl across the room as he took her repeatedly . After he fell into a satisfied sleep , she got up and showered herself off . It did not seem to wash her clean though . She went into the front room and cleaned up the mess of the night . There were beer cans and glasses to be collected . There was not much food left , but the dishes had to be washed and put away . When she was done with that , she sleeved the albums and put them in the rack under the stereo . She sat down at her desk and took out her journal . Thank God , no one ever read it . There was no way anyone would believe this night . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Disappointment , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing on November 4 , 2013 I have a warning for you all who are reading going forward , there are adult language , situations , and content in the coming pages . If you think this might offend you , you probably should refrain from reading the story . I think I will be able to write without being too explicit , but at this point I am not positive where the story will take me . I would think it could get by with a PG rating were it a movie , but it might possibly be R . I don 't think I have what it takes to write X rated content . I did want to warn you though . There are also possible triggers for those who might have experienced abuse … As with all stories , you read at your own risk … When they got in the car after the embarrassing moments spent eating , she suggested they go home for him to change before going to Ramsey 's house . She did not want to sit through whatever comments might be lobbed at them if the guys saw him that way . He agreed and they hurried to make it to the apartment and then arrive for the game on time . She smiled at him , grateful for his kind remark . In moments , they were embroiled in a battle with giant spiders and somehow Celeste was killed . Kaos put her on his horse and carried her back to town . The party tried to find someone to resurrect her , but they found they did not possess enough gold to buy such a miracle . Therefore , she was burned on a pyre and her ashes were scattered on the water of a river . Morgan rolled a new character , while the others discussed the next adventure . She named the human magic user , Morgana , and rejoined the game . The rest of the evening , Kaos stayed near her , and Cornelius did not seem to mind . Morgan wondered at Kelvin 's interest in her character , but figured since his Kaos was a half - orc and Morgana had an eighteen charisma score that it might all be part of the game . After two hours of unrelenting game play , everyone packed up their stuff and went to the kitchen for snacks . Ramsey suggested they do something different since it was a full moon . He wanted to play a game of war in the wooded acreage surrounding the house . Evidently , everyone except Morgan had known about it beforehand , because they all simply went to their vehicles for flashlights . Tony went to the car and came back with one light . Morgan thought this would mean she was left out of the fun , but Kelvin went back out and came in with an extra flashlight . Sawyer decided to join the rest of them and Ramsey explained if someone hit you with their light , you were dead . They divided into teams based on dice rolls . Tony and Morgan ended up on opposing teams . Kelvin knew the woods because he and Ramsey had been friends almost as long as they could remember . He told her to stay close to him . Under the trees , the moon only dappled a portion of the paths . They all spread out and Morgan had trouble keeping up because she kept stumbling over roots . Kelvin seemed like he belonged in this environment as sure footed as a mountain goat . They had to keep their flashlights out so as not to draw attention to themselves and be killed . There were bursts of running and then times when they tried to move as quietly as ghosts . After about an hour in the woods , a couple had been killed . Kelvin began to move again and Morgan followed . She looked away a moment because she thought she heard someone else moving nearby . She somehow managed to fall down a small ravine . Her ankle twisted and she gasped at the sharp pain , but she could not call out because it would mean being captured or killed by the other team . She waited , hoping Kelvin would realize she was no longer with him . After several minutes , she heard someone approach on the path above . He slowly climbed the steep wall of the ravine . She was surprised he could carry her because he was rather thin and did not look very strong . When they got back on the path , he stopped . It was so sweet , and Morgan responded to kiss by returning it . She thought this was probably very wrong . In fact , she knew it was wrong , but now it felt totally right . He laughed , " Oh yeah . I knew this was no game for a girl like you . I would have made you walk . You want to act tough , you can be tough . " When Tony returned , Kelvin said , " You should drive home . It would not be good for Morgan to do it . Do you have an ace bandage to wrap that ankle in ? " Morgan opened the door and got in the car , when Tony turned on the ignition she rolled the window down and told the guys , " Thank you all for the great night . We will see you soon . Maybe Friday night at our apartment . " Kelvin said , " Yeah , we will see you then . " Tony drove home with the stereo blaring and did not even speak to her the whole way . When he parked in the driveway , he got out and went in the apartment leaving her in the car . She limped to the door and found he had locked it . She took her keys out of her pocket and unlocked it . When she got inside she saw he had already went to the bedroom and shut the door . She silently thanked God that she had her keys . She sat down at the desk she had used for homework growing up and thought over what had happened . She had not expected Kelvin to help her by toting her through the woods . The kiss had come as a total surprise , but she wondered if it would happen again . It was very special . She knew it should never be repeated , but she hoped it would be . She went to the bathroom and found the bandage to wrap her ankle . It was extremely swollen by now , but she hoped it was not broken . She went back to her desk , took out some paper , and began writing a poem . At least writing would keep her mind off the pain . © Jo Ann J . A . JordanMonday , November 4 , 2013 Share this : PrintEmailFacebookTwitterGoogleLinkedInPinterestTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Blessings , Books , Creativity , Disappointment , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing One evening , around 7 : 00 , Kelvin , Ramsey , Wagner , Jason , and Cade came to visit . Morgan and Tony offered Olde English 800 Malt Liquor to the guys along with various other beverages . Kelvin and Wagner decided to have a sword fight out in the yard with their machetes , just to set the mood . Tony , Ramsey , Jason , and Cade chose to take their turns with the blades as well . Morgan watched their antics with a mixture of amusement and fear . She knew one wrong move and someone could be seriously injured . The athletic males finally decided to go inside . Everyone was hungry after the exertions , so Morgan decided to fry some chicken . It was something she had never done before , but she guessed it could not be too difficult . Her mother had prepared it at least once a week for years . She did wish she had paid a bit more attention to how it was done . The guys sat around drinking and talking on the bunk beds , turned couches , in the tiny front room . When the perfectly browned chicken was finished , she served it up with corn on the cob and green beans . When Kelvin took a bite , he sputtered and cursed , " Damn Morgan , this chicken is raw ! What the hell do you think you are doing to us ? Are you trying to kill us , as you do in your world ? I thought we were safe outside of EverMost ! Damn ! " The others returned their plates to the counter . Morgan began to tear up , but she refused to let them see her cry . Although she was mortified by the horrible mistake she made , she did not want to have anyone go hungry . She turned to Tony and whispered , " Pizza ? " Morgan dumped everything in the trashcan without another word . She was grateful Tony was willing to make the call for pizza and pay the bill . Another disaster averted by his kindness . Everyone except Kelvin seemed willing to let the situation go . He kept glancing at her and shaking his head . Everyone , except Morgan , laughed and began arranging their gear for play . She smiled , thinking perhaps a little payback was in order . The dice rolled in the adventurer 's favor and they had a very fortuitous foray into the dungeon . Only Ramsey 's character , Garrison , was injured in the melee with kobolds . The group traveled back to the Sleepy Eyes Inn and retired for the night . Ramsey had introduced Tony and Morgan to the music of Neil Young and she put the album , Live Rust , on the stereo . Everyone was in a party mood , choosing to stay late since it was a Friday night . Tony was off for the weekend , as were the students , and Wagner was not likely to apply for work until Monday . After another hour or more , Ramsey , Cade , and Jason told them good night and went home . Sometime later , Tony suggested they go for a ride . Kelvin and Wagner agreed and loaded into Katie . Morgan drove to a stretch of highway where she could let the 472 engine run wide open . She managed to hit 100 before she got to the end of the road . As she slowed , blue lights popped up behind the car . She heard metal clanging together as the machetes were pushed under the seat . At that moment , she wondered why they brought those in the first place . Tony went to bed and Morgan stayed up to clean up the remaining mess . The night had not been a total loss , but it was bad enough she was sure she would never forget it . She had learned a valuable lesson about cooking . Never try something for the first time when the results were important and open to criticism . She considered that several moments and decided the wisdom could also be applied to other aspects of life . She thought of how close they had come to getting in serious trouble on their drive . She was grateful things had gone no worse . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Creativity , Disappointment , Dreams , Encouragement , Flowers , Gifts , Gratitude , List , Love , Men and Relationships , Odd Ramblings , Original Poetry , Original Prose , Other 's Work , Photographs , Poem , Poetry , Prompt , Romance , Story , Travel , Words , Writing on October 28 , 2013 Of course I stayed up all night , but I took a nap between 7 : 00AM and noon . During the dark hours of the morning I had a burst of creativity . I hope you will enjoy the following offerings … She lettered in chorus during her freshman , sophomore , and junior years . Before she completed high school in the first quarter of her senior year , she took a trip to Washington , D . C . with the chorus . There was a competition held there for groups from all over the country . Tony insisted Morgan go , even though she was hesitant to leave him . The trip was memorable because she visited some of the highlights of the city . She wished the time spent in the Smithsonian Museum had not been very limited . There was so much to see . The Washington and Lincoln monuments were inspiring . When she sang in the National Cathedral , she found its glory overwhelming . The Capitol was gorgeous , as was the White House , but she was disappointed in the great mall . The litter everywhere detracted from the beauty of the area . She did not call home to talk to her husband often because long distance was so expensive . There was a dance , but she sat to the side in her royal blue dress , only watching the others . She was often left alone when her roommates decided to do something interesting . She shopped for things to take home to Tony and her parents . She found a tee shirt for Tony , a necklace for her mother , and a carved pocketknife for her father . She also bought commemorative postcards . Traveling by bus was not very pleasant , reminding her of the harrowing times she had spent on school buses through the years . When she returned home , she and Tony celebrated by going out for steaks and drinks . Morgan loved feeling her husband 's arms around her again . She had felt uneasy while so far away . She belonged back where love surrounded her . She thought of this trip when they were planning their vacation . She hoped to go back and take time to see everything Washington contained , but Tony wanted to go to Panama City as they had on their honeymoon . Morgan could not argue . She had enjoyed the first trip tremendously , except the motorcycle accident . She had scraped herself up quite a bit and chipped a front tooth . He did not seem to realize his recklessness had caused her harm . She hoped the vacation would be more relaxing . They checked in to the Fontainebleau in the early evening after driving most of the day . She and Tony showered together , taking their time , before getting ready for supper . They ate seafood in the restaurant and then went swimming in the indoor pool . The full moon hung huge in the sky as they walked the sugar white beach . She gathered shells , even finding a starfish and a sand dollar . They only had three days and those hurried by like the seagulls flying over the ocean . She managed to avoid sunburn on her pale skin because Tony kept her slathered in Coppertone . She did the same for him because he also had a light complexion . She hoped this time she would be pregnant , but it did not happen . After all their lovemaking , it seemed a baby should result . She began to think something was wrong with her , even imagining she might be cursed . You are highly creative , gifted with the ability to fulfill your dreams . All it takes is consistent effort . Make sure you take the time today to share your talent with the world . You never know what blessings you may bestow on others through your work . So many people are looking for something to allow them a few moments of escape , you can provide this gift . As a prompt , write about someone who left you alone and how it helped you grow . You might write a poem , a story , a journal entry , or even a note for future use . This should be simple because everyone has suffered abandonment . Thank you for visiting my blog . I hope it entertained you . If you enjoyed your time here , you might want to enter your email address above and subscribe to Chronicles . As I indicated , the snippet from Otherwise Entertained above is the sixth part . The whole story is on the blog , so you might want to catch up by reading the earlier pieces if you are new here . The archives contain a great deal of material you might enjoy , so feel free to explore . Fear is the enemy . Fear is antithetical to love . When we cast away fear we find acceptance , peace , courage , and love . We are love ! 3 months ago I am not sure I believe I can do it , but I believe I should . I , then , must go resolutely into the future , making th … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 5 months ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
" There goes the reward ! " said he , gloomily . " Where there is no money there is no pay . This night 's work would have been worth a tenner each to Sam Brown and me if the treasure had been there . " His forecast proved to be correct , for the detective looked blank enough when I got to Baker Street and showed him the empty box . They had only just arrived , Holmes , the prisoner , and he , for they had changed their plans so far as to report themselves at a station upon the way . My companion lounged in his arm - chair with his usual listless expression , while Small sat stolidly opposite to him with his wooden leg cocked over his sound one . As I exhibited the empty box he leaned back in his chair and laughed aloud . " Yes , I have put it away where you shall never lay hand upon it , " he cried , exultantly . " It is my treasure ; and if I can 't have the loot I 'll take darned good care that no one else does . I tell you that no living man has any right to it , unless it is three men who are in the Andaman convict - barracks and myself . I know now that I cannot have the use of it , and I know that they cannot . I have acted all through for them as much as for myself . It 's been the sign of four with us always . Well I know that they would have had me do just what I have done , and throw the treasure into the Thames rather than let it go to kith or kin of Sholto or of Morstan . It was not to make them rich that we did for Achmet . You 'll find the treasure where the key is , and where little Tonga is . When I saw that your launch must catch us , I put the loot away in a safe place . There are no rupees for you this journey . " " Easier for me to throw , and easier for you to recover , " he answered , with a shrewd , sidelong look . " The man that was clever enough to hunt me down is clever enough to pick an iron box from the bottom of a river . Now that they are scattered over five miles or so , it may be a harder job . It went to my heart to do it , though . I was half mad when you came up with us . However , there 's no good grieving over it . I 've had ups in my life , and I 've had downs , but I 've learned not to cry over spilled milk . " " Justice ! " snarled the ex - convict . " A pretty justice ! Whose loot is this , if it is not ours ? Where is the justice that I should give it up to those who have never earned it ? Look how I have earned it ! Twenty long years in that fever - ridden swamp , all day at work under the mangrove - tree , all night chained up in the filthy convict - huts , bitten by mosquitoes , racked with ague , bullied by every cursed black - faced policeman who loved to take it out of a white man . That was how I earned the Agra treasure ; and you talk to me of justice because I cannot bear to feel that I have paid this price only that another may enjoy it ! I would rather swing a score of times , or have one of Tonga 's darts in my hide , than live in a convict 's cell and feel that another man is at his ease in a palace with the money that should be mine . " " Well , sir , you have been very fair - spoken to me , though I can see that I have you to thank that I have these bracelets upon my wrists . Still , I bear no grudge for that . It is all fair and above - board . If you want to hear my story I have no wish to hold it back . What I say to you is God 's truth , every word of it . Thank you ; you can put the glass beside me here , and I 'll put my lips to it if I am dry . " I am a Worcestershire man myself , - - - - born near Pershore . I dare say you would find a heap of Smalls living there now if you were to look . I have often thought of taking a look round there , but the truth is that I was never much of a credit to the family , and I doubt if they would be so very glad to see me . They were all steady , chapel - going folk , small farmers , well known and respected over the country - side , while I was always a bit of a rover . At last , however , when I was about eighteen , I gave them no more trouble , for I got into a mess over a girl , and could only get out of it again by taking the queen 's shilling and joining the 3d Buffs , which was just starting for India . " I wasn 't destined to do much soldiering , however . I had just got past the goose - step , and learned to handle my musket , when I was fool enough to go swimming in the Ganges . Luckily for me , my company sergeant , John Holder , was in the water at the same time , and he was one of the finest swimmers in the service . A crocodile took me , just as I was half - way across , and nipped off my right leg as clean as a surgeon could have done it , just above the knee . What with the shock and the loss of blood , I fainted , and should have drowned if Holder had not caught hold of me and paddled for the bank . I was five months in hospital over it , and when at last I was able to limp out of it with this timber toe strapped to my stump I found myself invalided out of the army and unfitted for any active occupation . " I was , as you can imagine , pretty down on my luck at this time , for I was a useless cripple though not yet in my twentieth year . However , my misfortune soon proved to be a blessing in disguise . A man named Abelwhite , who had come out there as an indigo - planter , wanted an overseer to look after his coolies and keep them up to their work . He happened to be a friend of our colonel 's , who had taken an interest in me since the accident . To make a long story short , the colonel recommended me strongly for the post and , as the work was mostly to be done on horseback , my leg was no great obstacle , for I had enough knee left to keep good grip on the saddle . What I had to do was to ride over the plantation , to keep an eye on the men as they worked , and to report the idlers . The pay was fair , I had comfortable quarters , and altogether I was content to spend the remainder of my life in indigo - planting . Mr . Abelwhite was a kind man , and he would often drop into my little shanty and smoke a pipe with me , for white folk out there feel their hearts warm to each other as they never do here at home . " Well , I was never in luck 's way long . Suddenly , without a note of warning , the great mutiny broke upon us . One month India lay as still and peaceful , to all appearance , as Surrey or Kent ; the next there were two hundred thousand black devils let loose , and the country was a perfect hell . Of course you know all about it , gentlemen , - - - - a deal more than I do , very like , since reading is not in my line . I only know what I saw with my own eyes . Our plantation was at a place called Muttra , near the border of the Northwest Provinces . Night after night the whole sky was alight with the burning bungalows , and day after day we had small companies of Europeans passing through our estate with their wives and children , on their way to Agra , where were the nearest troops . Mr . Abelwhite was an obstinate man . He had it in his head that the affair had been exaggerated , and that it would blow over as suddenly as it had sprung up . There he sat on his veranda , drinking whiskey - pegs and smoking cheroots , while the country was in a blaze about him . Of course we stuck by him , I and Dawson , who , with his wife , used to do the book - work and the managing . Well , one fine day the crash came . I had been away on a distant plantation , and was riding slowly home in the evening , when my eye fell upon something all huddled together at the bottom of a steep nullah . I rode down to see what it was , and the cold struck through my heart when I found it was Dawson 's wife , all cut into ribbons , and half eaten by jackals and native dogs . A little further up the road Dawson himself was lying on his face , quite dead , with an empty revolver in his hand and four Sepoys lying across each other in front of him . I reined up my horse , wondering which way I should turn , but at that moment I saw thick smoke curling up from Abelwhite 's bungalow and the flames beginning to burst through the roof . I knew then that I could do my employer no good , but would only throw my own life away if I meddled in the matter . From where I stood I could see hundreds of the black fi " As it proved , however , there was no great safety there , either . The whole country was up like a swarm of bees . Wherever the English could collect in little bands they held just the ground that their guns commanded . Everywhere else they were helpless fugitives . It was a fight of the millions against the hundreds ; and the cruellest part of it was that these men that we fought against , foot , horse , and gunners , were our own picked troops , whom we had taught and trained , handling our own weapons , and blowing our own bugle - calls . At Agra there were the 3d Bengal Fusiliers , some Sikhs , two troops of horse , and a battery of artillery . A volunteer corps of clerks and merchants had been formed , and this I joined , wooden leg and all . We went out to meet the rebels at Shahgunge early in July , and we beat them back for a time , but our powder gave out , and we had to fall back upon the city . Nothing but the worst news came to us from every side , - - - - which is not to be wondered at , for if you look at the map you will see that we were right in the heart of it . Lucknow is rather better than a hundred miles to the east , and Cawnpore about as far to the south . From every point on the compass there was nothing but torture and murder and outrage . " The city of Agra is a great place , swarming with fanatics and fierce devil - worshippers of all sorts . Our handful of men were lost among the narrow , winding streets . Our leader moved across the river , therefore , and took up his position in the old fort at Agra . I don 't know if any of you gentlemen have ever read or heard anything of that old fort . It is a very queer place , - - - - the queerest that ever I was in , and I have been in some rum corners , too . First of all , it is enormous in size . I should think that the enclosure must be acres and acres . There is a modern part , which took all our garrison , women , children , stores , and everything else , with plenty of room over . But the modern part is nothing like the size of the old quarter , where nobody goes , and which is given over to the scorpions and the centipedes . It is all full of great deserted halls , and winding passages , and long corridors twisting in and out , so that it is easy enough for folk to get lost in it . For this reason it was seldom that any one went into it , though now and again a party with torches might go exploring . " The river washes along the front of the old fort , and so protects it , but on the sides and behind there are many doors , and these had to be guarded , of course , in the old quarter as well as in that which was actually held by our troops . We were short - handed , with hardly men enough to man the angles of the building and to serve the guns . It was impossible for us , therefore , to station a strong guard at every one of the innumerable gates . What we did was to organize a central guard - house in the middle of the fort , and to leave each gate under the charge of one white man and two or three natives . I was selected to take charge during certain hours of the night of a small isolated door upon the southwest side of the building . Two Sikh troopers were placed under my command , and I was instructed if anything went wrong to fire my musket , when I might rely upon help coming at once from the central guard . As the guard was a good two hundred paces away , however , and as the space between was cut up into a labyrinth of passages and corridors , I had great doubts as to whether they could arrive in time to be of any use in case of an actual attack . " Well , I was pretty proud at having this small command given me , since I was a raw recruit , and a game - legged one at that . For two nights I kept the watch with my Punjabees . They were tall , fierce - looking chaps , Mahomet Singh and Abdullah Khan by name , both old fighting - men who had borne arms against us at Chilian - wallah . They could talk English pretty well , but I could get little out of them . They preferred to stand together and jabber all night in their queer Sikh lingo . For myself , I used to stand outside the gate - way , looking down on the broad , winding river and on the twinkling lights of the great city . The beating of drums , the rattle of tomtoms , and the yells and howls of the rebels , drunk with opium and with bang , were enough to remind us all night of our dangerous neighbours across the stream . Every two hours the officer of the night used to come round to all the posts , to make sure that all was well . " The third night of my watch was dark and dirty , with a small , driving rain . It was dreary work standing in the gate - way hour after hour in such weather . I tried again and again to make my Sikhs talk , but without much success . At two in the morning the rounds passed , and broke for a moment the weariness of the night . Finding that my companions would not be led into conversation , I took out my pipe , and laid down my musket to strike the match . In an instant the two Sikhs were upon me . One of them snatched my firelock up and levelled it at my head , while the other held a great knife to my throat and swore between his teeth that he would plunge it into me if I moved a step . " My first thought was that these fellows were in league with the rebels , and that this was the beginning of an assault . If our door were in the hands of the Sepoys the place must fall , and the women and children be treated as they were in Cawnpore . Maybe you gentlemen think that I am just making out a case for myself , but I give you my word that when I thought of that , though I felt the point of the knife at my throat , I opened my mouth with the intention of giving a scream , if it was my last one , which might alarm the main guard . The man who held me seemed to know my thoughts ; for , even as I braced myself to it , he whispered , ' Don 't make a noise . The fort is safe enough . There are no rebel dogs on this side of the river . ' There was the ring of truth in what he said , and I knew that if I raised my voice I was a dead man . I could read it in the fellow 's brown eyes . I waited , therefore , in silence , to see what it was that they wanted from me . " ' Listen to me , Sahib , ' said the taller and fiercer of the pair , the one whom they called Abdullah Khan . ' You must either be with us now or you must be silenced forever . The thing is too great a one for us to hesitate . Either you are heart and soul with us on your oath on the cross of the Christians , or your body this night shall be thrown into the ditch and we shall pass over to our brothers in the rebel army . There is no middle way . Which is it to be , death or life ? We can only give you three minutes to decide , for the time is passing , and all must be done before the rounds come again . ' " ' How can I decide ? ' said I . ' You have not told me what you want of me . But I tell you know that if it is anything against the safety of the fort I will have no truck with it , so you can drive home your knife and welcome . ' " ' It is nothing against the fort , ' said he . ' We only ask you to do that which your countrymen come to this land for . We ask you to be rich . If you will be one of us this night , we will swear to you upon the naked knife , and by the threefold oath which no Sikh was ever known to break , that you shall have your fair share of the loot . A quarter of the treasure shall be yours . We can say no fairer . ' " ' But what is the treasure , then ? ' I asked . ' I am as ready to be rich as you can be , if you will but show me how it can be done . ' " ' No ; Dost Akbar must have his share . We can tell the tale to you while we await them . Do you stand at the gate , Mahomet Singh , and give notice of their coming . The thing stands thus , Sahib , and I tell it to you because I know that an oath is binding upon a Feringhee , and that we may trust you . Had you been a lying Hindoo , though you had sworn by all the gods in their false temples , your blood would have been upon the knife , and your body in the water . But the Sikh knows the Englishman , and the Englishman knows the Sikh . Hearken , then , to what I have to say . " ' There is a rajah in the northern provinces who has much wealth , though his lands are small . Much has come to him from his father , and more still he has set by himself , for he is of a low nature and hoards his gold rather than spend it . When the troubles broke out he would be friends both with the lion and the tiger , - - - - with the Sepoy and with the Company 's Raj . Soon , however , it seemed to him that the white men 's day was come , for through all the land he could hear of nothing but of their death and their overthrow . Yet , being a careful man , he made such plans that , come what might , half at least of his treasure should be left to him . That which was in gold and silver he kept by him in the vaults of his palace , but the most precious stones and the choicest pearls that he had he put in an iron box , and sent it by a trusty servant who , under the guise of a merchant , should take it to the fort at Agra , there to lie until the land is at peace . Thus , if the rebels won he would have his money , but if the Company conquered his jewels would be saved to him . Having thus divided his hoard , he threw himself into the cause of the Sepoys , since they were strong upon his borders . By doing this , mark you , Sahib , his property becomes the due of those who have been true to their salt . " ' This pretended merchant , who travels under the name of Achmet , is now in the city of Agra , and desires to gain his way into the fort . He has with him as travelling - companion my foster - brother Dost Akbar , who knows his secret . Dost Akbar has promised this night to lead him to a side - postern of the fort , and has chosen this one for his purpose . Here he will come presently , and here he will find Mahomet Singh and myself awaiting him . The place is lonely , and none shall know of his coming . The world shall know of the merchant Achmet no more , but the great treasure of the rajah shall be divided among us . What say you to it , Sahib ? ' " In Worcestershire the life of a man seems a great and a sacred thing ; but it is very different when there is fire and blood all round you and you have been used to meeting death at every turn . Whether Achmet the merchant lived or died was a thing as light as air to me , but at the talk about the treasure my heart turned to it , and I thought of what I might do in the old country with it , and how my folk would stare when they saw their ne ' er - do - well coming back with his pockets full of gold moidores . I had , therefore , already made up my mind . Abdullah Khan , however , thinking that I hesitated , pressed the matter more closely . " ' Consider , Sahib , ' said he , ' that if this man is taken by the commandant he will be hung or shot , and his jewels taken by the government , so that no man will be a rupee the better for them . Now , since we do the taking of him , why should we not do the rest as well ? The jewels will be as well with us as in the Company 's coffers . There will be enough to make every one of us rich men and great chiefs . No one can know about the matter , for here we are cut off from all men . What could be better for the purpose ? Say again , then , Sahib , whether you are with us , or if we must look upon you as an enemy . ' " ' It is well , ' he answered , handing me back my firelock . ' You see that we trust you , for your word , like ours , is not to be broken . We have now only to wait for my brother and the merchant . ' " The rain was still falling steadily , for it was just the beginning of the wet season . Brown , heavy clouds were drifting across the sky , and it was hard to see more than a stone - cast . A deep moat lay in front of our door , but the water was in places nearly dried up , and it could easily be crossed . It was strange to me to be standing there with those two wild Punjaubees waiting for the man who was coming to his death . " ' You will challenge him , Sahib , as usual , ' whispered Abdullah . ' Give him no cause for fear . Send us in with him , and we shall do the rest while you stay here on guard . Have the lantern ready to uncover , that we may be sure that it is indeed the man . ' " ' Friends , ' came the answer . I uncovered my lantern and threw a flood of light upon them . The first was an enormous Sikh , with a black beard which swept nearly down to his cummerbund . Outside of a show I have never seen so tall a man . The other was a little , fat , round fellow , with a great yellow turban , and a bundle in his hand , done up in a shawl . He seemed to be all in a quiver with fear , for his hands twitched as if he had the ague , and his head kept turning to left and right with two bright little twinkling eyes , like a mouse when he ventures out from his hole . It gave me the chills to think of killing him , but I thought of the treasure , and my heart set as hard as a flint within me . When he saw my white face he gave a little chirrup of joy and came running up towards me . " ' Your protection , Sahib , ' he panted , ---- ' your protection for the unhappy merchant Achmet . I have travelled across Rajpootana that I might seek the shelter of the fort at Agra . I have been robbed and beaten and abused because I have been the friend of the Company . It is a blessed night this when I am once more in safety , - - - - I and my poor possessions . ' " I could not trust myself to speak longer with the man . The more I looked at his fat , frightened face , the harder did it seem that we should slay him in cold blood . It was best to get it over . " ' Take him to the main guard , ' said I . The two Sikhs closed in upon him on each side , and the giant walked behind , while they marched in through the dark gate - way . Never was a man so compassed round with death . I remained at the gate - way with the lantern . " I could hear the measured tramp of their footsteps sounding through the lonely corridors . Suddenly it ceased , and I heard voices , and a scuffle , with the sound of blows . A moment later there came , to my horror , a rush of footsteps coming in my direction , with the loud breathing of a running man . I turned my lantern down the long , straight passage , and there was the fat man , running like the wind , with a smear of blood across his face , and close at his heels , bounding like a tiger , the great black - bearded Sikh , with a knife flashing in his hand . I have never seen a man run so fast as that little merchant . He was gaining on the Sikh , and I could see that if he once passed me and got to the open air he would save himself yet . My heart softened to him , but again the thought of his treasure turned me hard and bitter . I cast my firelock between his legs as he raced past , and he rolled twice over like a shot rabbit . Ere he could stagger to his feet the Sikh was upon him , and buried his knife twice in his side . The man never uttered moan nor moved muscle , but lay were he had fallen . I think myself that he may have broken his neck with the fall . You see , gentlemen , that I am keeping my promise . I am telling you every work of the business just exactly as it happened , whether it is in my favor or not . " He stopped , and held out his manacled hands for the whiskey - and - water which Holmes had brewed for him . For myself , I confess that I had now conceived the utmost horror of the man , not only for this cold - blooded business in which he had been concerned , but even more for the somewhat flippant and careless way in which he narrated it . Whatever punishment was in store for him , I felt that he might expect no sympathy from me . Sherlock Holmes and Jones sat with their hands upon their knees , deeply interested in the story , but with the same disgust written upon their faces . He may have observed it , for there was a touch of defiance in his voice and manner as he proceeded . " It was all very bad , no doubt , " said he . " I should like to know how many fellows in my shoes would have refused a share of this loot when they knew that they would have their throats cut for their pains . Besides , it was my life or his when once he was in the fort . If he had got out , the whole business would come to light , and I should have been court - martialled and shot as likely as not ; for people were not very lenient at a time like that . " " Well , we carried him in , Abdullah , Akbar , and I . A fine weight he was , too , for all that he was so short . Mahomet Singh was left to guard the door . We took him to a place which the Sikhs had already prepared . It was some distance off , where a winding passage leads to a great empty hall , the brick walls of which were all crumbling to pieces . The earth floor had sunk in at one place , making a natural grave , so we left Achmet the merchant there , having first covered him over with loose bricks . This done , we all went back to the treasure . " It lay where he had dropped it when he was first attacked . The box was the same which now lies open upon your table . A key was hung by a silken cord to that carved handle upon the top . We opened it , and the light of the lantern gleamed upon a collection of gems such as I have read of and thought about when I was a little lad at Pershore . It was blinding to look upon them . When we had feasted our eyes we took them all out and made a list of them . There were one hundred and forty - three diamonds of the first water , including one which has been called , I believe , ' the Great Mogul ' and is said to be the second largest stone in existence . Then there were ninety - seven very fine emeralds , and one hundred and seventy rubies , some of which , however , were small . There were forty carbuncles , two hundred and ten sapphires , sixty - one agates , and a great quantity of beryls , onyxes , cats ' - eyes , turquoises , and other stones , the very names of which I did not know at the time , though I have become more familiar with them since . Besides this , there were nearly three hundred very fine pearls , twelve of which were set in a gold coronet . By the way , these last had been taken out of the chest and were not there when I recovered it . " After we had counted our treasures we put them back into the chest and carried them to the gate - way to show them to Mahomet Singh . Then we solemnly renewed our oath to stand by each other and be true to our secret . We agreed to conceal our loot in a safe place until the country should be at peace again , and then to divide it equally among ourselves . There was no use dividing it at present , for if gems of such value were found upon us it would cause suspicion , and there was no privacy in the fort nor any place where we could keep them . We carried the box , therefore , into the same hall where we had buried the body , and there , under certain bricks in the best - preserved wall , we made a hollow and put our treasure . We made careful note of the place , and next day I drew four plans , one for each of us , and put the sign of the four of us at the bottom , for we had sworn that we should each always act for all , so that none might take advantage . That is an oath that I can put my hand to my heart and swear that I have never broken . " Well , there 's no use my telling you gentlemen what came of the Indian mutiny . After Wilson took Delhi and Sir Colin relieved Lucknow the back of the business was broken . Fresh troops came pouring in , and Nana Sahib made himself scarce over the frontier . A flying column under Colonel Greathed came round to Agra and cleared the Pandies away from it . Peace seemed to be settling upon the country , and we four were beginning to hope that the time was at hand when we might safely go off with our shares of the plunder . In a moment , however , our hopes were shattered by our being arrested as the murderers of Achmet . " It came about in this way . When the rajah put his jewels into the hands of Achmet he did it because he knew that he was a trusty man . They are suspicious folk in the East , however : so what does this rajah do but take a second even more trusty servant and set him to play the spy upon the first ? This second man was ordered never to let Achmet out of his sight , and he followed him like his shadow . He went after him that night and saw him pass through the doorway . Of course he thought he had taken refuge in the fort , and applied for admission there himself next day , but could find no trace of Achmet . This seemed to him so strange that he spoke about it to a sergeant of guides , who brought it to the ears of the commandant . A thorough search was quickly made , and the body was discovered . Thus at the very moment that we thought that all was safe we were all four seized and brought to trial on a charge of murder , - - - - three of us because we had held the gate that night , and the fourth because he was known to have been in the company of the murdered man . Not a word about the jewels came out at the trial , for the rajah had been deposed and driven out of India : so no one had any particular interest in them . The murder , however , was clearly made out , and it was certain that we must all have been concerned in it . The three Sikhs got penal servitude for life , and I was condemned to death , though my sentence was afterwards commuted into the same as the others . " It was rather a queer position that we found ourselves in then . There we were all four tied by the leg and with precious little chance of ever getting out again , while we each held a secret which might have put each of us in a palace if we could only have made use of it . It was enough to make a man eat his heart out to have to stand the kick and the cuff of every petty jack - in - office , to have rice to eat and water to drink , when that gorgeous fortune was ready for him outside , just waiting to be picked up . It might have driven me mad ; but I was always a pretty stubborn one , so I just held on and bided my time . " At last it seemed to me to have come . I was changed from Agra to Madras , and from there to Blair Island in the Andamans . There are very few white convicts at this settlement , and , as I had behaved well from the first , I soon found myself a sort of privileged person . I was given a hut in Hope Town , which is a small place on the slopes of Mount Harriet , and I was left pretty much to myself . It is a dreary , fever - stricken place , and all beyond our little clearings was infested with wild cannibal natives , who were ready enough to blow a poisoned dart at us if they saw a chance . There was digging , and ditching , and yam - planting , and a dozen other things to be done , so we were busy enough all day ; though in the evening we had a little time to ourselves . Among other things , I learned to dispense drugs for the surgeon , and picked up a smattering of his knowledge . All the time I was on the lookout for a chance of escape ; but it is hundreds of miles from any other land , and there is little or no wind in those seas : so it was a terribly difficult job to get away . " The surgeon , Dr . Somerton , was a fast , sporting young chap , and the other young officers would meet in his rooms of an evening and play cards . The surgery , where I used to make up my drugs , was next to his sitting - room , with a small window between us . Often , if I felt lonesome , I used to turn out the lamp in the surgery , and then , standing there , I could hear their talk and watch their play . I am fond of a hand at cards myself , and it was almost as good as having one to watch the others . There was Major Sholto , Captain Morstan , and Lieutenant Bromley Brown , who were in command of the native troops , and there was the surgeon himself , and two or three prison - officials , crafty old hands who played a nice sly safe game . A very snug little party they used to make . " Well , there was one thing which very soon struck me , and that was that the soldiers used always to lose and the civilians to win . Mind , I don 't say that there was anything unfair , but so it was . These prison - chaps had done little else than play cards ever since they had been at the Andamans , and they knew each other 's game to a point , while the others just played to pass the time and threw their cards down anyhow . Night after night the soldiers got up poorer men , and the poorer they got the more keen they were to play . Major Sholto was the hardest hit . He used to pay in notes and gold at first , but soon it came to notes of hand and for big sums . He sometimes would win for a few deals , just to give him heart , and then the luck would set in against him worse than ever . All day he would wander about as black as thunder , and he took to drinking a deal more than was good for him . " One night he lost even more heavily than usual . I was sitting in my hut when he and Captain Morstan came stumbling along on the way to their quarters . They were bosom friends , those two , and never far apart . The major was raving about his losses . " ' It 's all up , Morstan , ' he was saying , as they passed my hut . ' I shall have to send in my papers . I am a ruined man . ' " ' Quite that , sir , - - - - in jewels and pearls . It lies there ready for any one . And the queer thing about it is that the real owner is outlawed and cannot hold property , so that it belongs to the first comer . ' " ' Well , well , you must not do anything rash , or that you might repent . Let me hear all about it , Small . Give me the facts . ' " I told him the whole story , with small changes so that he could not identify the places . When I had finished he stood stock still and full of thought . I could see by the twitch of his lip that there was a struggle going on within him . " ' Look here , Small , ' said the major . ' We have been talking it over , my friend here and I , and we have come to the conclusion that this secret of yours is hardly a government matter , after all , but is a private concern of your own , which of course you have the power of disposing of as you think best . Now , the question is , what price would you ask for it ? We might be inclined to take it up , and at least look into it , if we could agree as to terms . ' He tried to speak in a cool , careless way , but his eyes were shining with excitement and greed . " ' Why , as to that , gentlemen , ' I answered , trying also to be cool , but feeling as excited as he did , ' there is only one bargain which a man in my position can make . I shall want yo to help me to my freedom , and to help my three companions to theirs . We shall then take you into partnership , and give you a fifth share to divide between you . ' " ' Nothing of the sort , ' I answered . ' I have thought it all out to the last detail . The only bar to our escape is that we can get no boat fit for the voyage , and no provisions to last us for so long a time . There are plenty of little yachts and yawls at Calcutta or Madras which would serve our turn well . Do you bring one over . We shall engage to get aboard her by night , and if you will drop us on any part of the Indian coast you will have done your part of the bargain . ' " ' You see , Morstan , ' said he , ' Small is a man of his word . He does not flinch from his friend . I think we may very well trust him . ' " ' Well , Small , ' said the major , ' we must , I suppose , try and meet you . We must first , of course , test the truth of your story . Tell me where the box is hid , and I shall get leave of absence and go back to India in the monthly relief - boat to inquire into the affair . ' " ' Not so fast , ' said I , growing colder as he got hot . ' I must have the consent of my three comrades . I tell you that it is four or none with us . ' " Well , the matter ended by a second meeting , at which Mahomet Singh , Abdullah Khan , and Dost Akbar were all present . We talked the matter over again , and at last we came to an arrangement . We were to provide both the officers with charts of the part of the Agra fort and mark the place in the wall where the treasure was hid . Major Sholto was to go to India to test our story . If he found the box he was to leave it there , to send out a small yacht provisioned for a voyage , which was to lie off Rutland Island , and to which we were to make our way , and finally to return to his duties . Captain Morstan was then to apply for leave of absence , to meet us at Agra , and there we were to have a final division of the treasure , he taking the major 's share as well as his own . All this we sealed by the most solemn oaths that the mind could think or the lips utter . I sat up all night with paper and ink , and by the morning I had the two charts all ready , signed with the sign of four , - - - - that is , of Abdullah , Akbar , Mahomet , and myself . " Well , gentlemen , I weary you with my long story , and I know that my friend Mr . Jones is impatient to get me safely stowed in chokey . I 'll make it as short as I can . The villain Sholto went off to India , but he never came back again . Captain Morstan showed me his name among a list of passengers in one of the mail - boats very shortly afterwards . His uncle had died , leaving him a fortune , and he had left the army , yet he could stoop to treat five men as he had treated us . Morstan went over to Agra shortly afterwards , and found , as we expected , that the treasure was indeed gone . The scoundrel had stolen it all , without carrying out one of the conditions on which we had sold him the secret . From that day I lived only for vengeance . I thought of it by day and I nursed it by night . It became an overpowering , absorbing passion with me . I cared nothing for the law , - - - - nothing for the gallows . To escape , to track down Sholto , to have my hand upon his throat , - - - - that was my one thought . Even the Agra treasure had come to be a smaller thing in my mind than the slaying of Sholto . " Well , I have set my mind on many things in this life , and never one which I did not carry out . But it was weary years before my time came . I have told you that I had picked up something of medicine . One day when Dr . Somerton was down with a fever a little Andaman Islander was picked up by a convict - gang in the woods . He was sick to death , and had gone to a lonely place to die . I took him in hand , though he was as venomous as a young snake , and after a couple of months I got him all right and able to walk . He took a kind of fancy to me then , and would hardly go back to his woods , but was always hanging about my hut . I learned a little of his lingo from him , and this made him all the fonder of me . " Tonga - - - - for that was his name - - - - was a fine boatman , and owned a big , roomy canoe of his own . When I found that he was devoted to me and would do anything to serve me , I saw my chance of escape . I talked it over with him . He was to bring his boat round on a certain night to an old wharf which was never guarded , and there he was to pick me up . I gave him directions to have several gourds of water and a lot of yams , cocoa - nuts , and sweet potatoes . " He was staunch and true , was little Tonga . No man ever had a more faithful mate . At the night named he had his boat at the wharf . As it chanced , however , there was one of the convict - guard down there , - - - - a vile Pathan who had never missed a chance of insulting and injuring me . I had always vowed vengeance , and now I had my chance . It was as if fate had placed him in my way that I might pay my debt before I left the island . He stood on the bank with his back to me , and his carbine on his shoulder . I looked about for a stone to beat out his brains with , but none could I see . Then a queer thought came into my head and showed me where I could lay my hand on a weapon . I sat down in the darkness and unstrapped my wooden leg . With three long hops I was on him . He put his carbine to his shoulder , but I struck him full , and knocked the whole front of his skull in . You can see the split in the wood now where I hit him . We both went down together , for I could not keep my balance , but when I got up I found him still lying quiet enough . I made for the boat , and in an hour we were well out at sea . Tonga had brought all his earthly possessions with him , his arms and his gods . Among other things , he had a long bamboo spear , and some Andaman cocoa - nut matting , with which I make a sort of sail . For ten days we were beating about , trusting to luck , and on the eleventh we were picked up by a trader which was going from Singapore to Jiddah with a cargo of Malay pilgrims . They were a rum crowd , and Tonga and I soon managed to settle down among them . They had one very good quality : they let you alone and asked no questions . " Well , if I were to tell you all the adventures that my little chum and I went through , you would not thank me , for I would have you here until the sun was shining . Here and there we drifted about the world , something always turning up to keep us from London . All the time , however , I never lost sight of my purpose . I would dream of Sholto at night . A hundred times I have killed him in my sleep . At last , however , some three or four years ago , we found ourselves in England . I had no great difficulty in finding where Sholto lived , and I set to work to discover whether he had realized the treasure , or if he still had it . I made friends with someone who could help me , - - - - I name no names , for I don 't want to get any one else in a hole , - - - - and I soon found that he still had the jewels . Then I tried to get at him in many ways ; but he was pretty sly , and had always two prize - fighters , besides his sons and his khitmutgar , on guard over him . " One day , however , I got word that he was dying . I hurried at once to the garden , mad that he should slip out of my clutches like that , and , looking through the window , I saw him lying in his bed , with his sons on each side of him . I 'd have come through and taken my chance with the three of them , only even as I looked at him his jaw dropped , and I knew that he was gone . I got into his room that same night , though , and I searched his papers to see if there was any record of where he had hidden our jewels . There was not a line , however : so I came away , bitter and savage as a man could be . Before I left I bethought me that if I ever met my Sikh friends again it would be a satisfaction to know that I had left some mark of our hatred : so I scrawled down the sign of the four of us , as it had been on the chart , and I pinned it on his bosom . It was too much that he should be taken to the grave without some token from the men whom he had robbed and befooled . " We earned a living at this time by my exhibiting poor Tonga at fairs and other such places as the black cannibal . He would eat raw meat and dance his war - dance : so we always had a hatful of pennies after a day 's work . I still heard all the news from Pondicherry Lodge , and for some years there was no news to hear , except that they were hunting for the treasure . At last , however , came what we had waited for so long . The treasure had been found . It was up at the top of the house , in Mr . Bartholomew Sholto 's chemical laboratory . I came at once and had a look at the place , but I could not see how with my wooden leg I was to make my way up to it . I learned , however , about a trap - door in the roof , and also about Mr . Sholto 's supper - hour . It seemed to me that I could manage the thing easily through Tonga . I brought him out with me with a long rope wound round his waist . He could climb like a cat , and he soon made his way through the roof , but , as ill luck would have it , Bartholomew Sholto was still in the room , to his cost . Tonga thought he had done something very clever in killing him , for when I came up by the rope I found him strutting about as proud as a peacock . Very much surprised was he when I made at him with the rope 's end and cursed him for a little blood - thirsty imp . I took the treasure - box and let it down , and then slid down myself , having first left the sign of the four upon the table , to show that the jewels had come back at last to those who had most right to them . Tonga then pulled up the rope , closed the window , and made off the way that he had come . " I don 't know that I have anything else to tell you . I had heard a waterman speak of the speed of Smith 's launch the Aurora , so I thought she would be a handy craft for our escape . I engaged with old Smith , and was to give him a big sum if he got us safe to our ship . He knew , no doubt , that there was some screw loose , but he was not in our secrets . All this is the truth , and if I tell it to you , gentlemen , it is not to amuse you , - - - - for you have not done me a very good turn , - - - - but it is because I believe the best defence I can make is just to hold back nothing , but let all the world know how badly I have myself been served by Major Sholto , and how innocent I am of the death of his son . " " A very remarkable account , " said Sherlock Holmes . " A fitting wind - up to an extremely interesting case . There is nothing at all new to me in the latter part of your narrative , except that you brought your own rope . That I did not know . By the way , I had hoped that Tonga had lost all his darts ; yet he managed to shoot one at us in the boat . " " Well , Holmes , " said Athelney Jones , " You are a man to be humored , and we all know that you are a connoisseur of crime , but duty is duty , and I have gone rather far in doing what you and your friend asked me . I shall feel more at ease when we have our story - teller here safe under lock and key . The cab still waits , and there are two inspectors down - stairs . I am much obliged to you both for your assistance . Of course you will be wanted at the trial . Good - night to you . " " Well , and there is the end of our little drama , " I remarked , after we had sat some time smoking in silence . " I fear that it may be the last investigation in which I shall have the chance of studying your methods . Miss Morstan has done me the honour to accept me as a husband in prospective . " " Not at all . I think she is one of the most charming young ladies I ever met , and might have been most useful in such work as we have been doing . She had a decided genius that way : witness the way in which she preserved that Agra plan from all the other papers of her father . But love is an emotional thing , and whatever is emotional is opposed to that true cold reason which I place above all things . I should never marry myself , lest I bias my judgment . " " The division seems rather unfair , " I remarked . " You have done all the work in this business . I get a wife out of it , Jones gets the credit , pray what remains for you ? " |
We fucked up . We all know it , despite the fact that the others don 't want to admit it . The whole night was a series of fuck - ups , starting with Kerby and his stupid bottle of Latvian tequila - it didn 't occur to him to wonder why the stuff was in the discount bin , did it ? ( Dumber than a sack of hammers , as grandpa used to say . ) And then we had Demetria and her chemistry experiments , and the rest of us fool enough to swallow whatever she handed us . ( Demetria always acted like she was smarter than everybody else , which was annoying enough , but the kick of it was , with this bunch , she was probably right . ) Plus there was that kid in the ratty jacket , Zack or Zacky or something , who 'd started hanging around with us for no reason I could figure , who hardly said anything , and always looked like he either wanted to cry or fall asleep . He didn 't touch Kerby 's counterfeit tequila , or any of Demetria 's assortment of shit , but he was fucked up plenty without outside help . Something about his eyes . He looked at things too closely . Idiotic things , like an ashtray or a tube of lip balm . Like he expected them to do something , change colors , sprout fangs and leap at his throat . ( Clearly a mental case . ) Then Hannah showed up , pissed off at her brother , and after that there was nothing between us and total upfuckery except our own good sense , and we didn 't have any . Except maybe that Zacky kid , when we found the old man . But that was later . He went along with the rest of it the same as all of us , even after the cats showed up . " The cats were real , " he said to me the next time I saw him , a week , maybe ten days after that night . " If nothing else , the cats were real . " He didn 't ask me what happened once he 'd left . I didn 't tell him . I 've seen him on the street since , in passing , but I only talked to him that once . I 'm not excusing myself from any of it . I was the one who said to Hannah , about her brother , " You ought to do something to get him back , " and I didn 't raise any objections when she got all quiet for a minute , and then all excited , and then started jabbering in her mile - a - minute manner : Yeah , yeah , yeah , she knew exactly what she was going to do , listen , guys , listen , this is great , we 're going to go to his place , listen to this , it 's perfect , you guys gotta come with me , we 're going to get him good . I can 't even remember for sure exactly why she was pissed off at her brother that time . Hannah was always getting into it with him , screaming at him on the phone , complaining to us about shit he 'd done , or she thought he 'd done . Once we were in the park and her brother came walking up on the bike path and Hannah picked up a rock and chucked it at him . Missed . Which I guess was a good thing . He just laughed at her and kept walking . Her brother was pretty much a douche bag as far as I could tell , but it wasn 't like Hannah was getting any prizes for interpersonal communication . That night , I think it was something about a box of their mother 's stuff that he was supposed to give her , but which wound up with their cousin or some shit , because the cousin had a house and could store it , but I wouldn 't swear to it . Anyway , it was the same flavor of crap he always pulled on her , promising this or that and then denying he 'd ever said any such thing , breaking commitments , brushing her off . " Okay , okay , " Kerby said . He was sprawled out on the sofa , taking up the whole damn thing , like he usually did , so that Demetria and I got the crappy chairs . The kid with the ratty jacket was sitting on the floor , in the corner , arms around his knees , as still as a gargoyle . ( This wasn 't unusual for him . ) " Your brother 's a dick . " " You want anything ? " Demetria asked . She was laughing at Hannah without letting it show big , just quirking her lip a bit . Demetria did that a lot . Used to do that a lot . To all of us . " Listen ! " Hannah 's eyes blazed . She was pacing , and had her hands up like she was about to catch a basketball . " We 're going to go to his place , right ? " It was . It was , indeed . I 'd only had a little of Demetria 's new stuff , but my head was buzzing , and even before Hannah showed up , I was telling myself that I was going to be sorry tomorrow . And that was a factor in what happened . We all knew we were going to be sorry tomorrow anyway , and being sorry for two things didn 't seem that much heavier than being sorry for one . Real smart thinking , that . " So this is breaking and entering ? " I asked . Not protesting , merely wanting to be clear on the particulars . That zoomed right past Hannah , who had gone straight on to picturing the scene when her brother returned and discovered this . " He 'll freak . He 'll absolutely freak . He won 't know what the fuck happened . He 'll be running around going , ' What the fuck ? What the fuck ? ' He 'll be looking for his left shoes everywhere . Nobody 's touching anything else , okay ? We 're going to leave the place exactly the way it is . He 'll go mental . " " Hah , " Kerby said . He was grinning . Hannah was grinning . Demetria rolled her eyes a little , but she nodded and showed her teeth , too . I thought , why not , it 'll be a funny story to tell someday . The kid in the corner didn 't smile , but then I don 't think I ever saw him smile once the whole time he was hanging out with us . " And even if he figures out it was me , " Hannah rattled on , " what 's he going to do ? Call the cops , say all his left shoes got stolen ? They 'll think he 's a nutjob . It 's perfect . And if he doesn 't figure out it was me , I 'm going to fucking tell him . Right to his face . Like , ' Yeah , how do you feel now ? How do you like getting fucked over , you fuck ? ' Right ? " " You guys are going to come with me , right ? You 're going to help me out , right ? Come on , come on you guys , you 're going to do this with me , right ? " " Yeah , okay , " Kerby said . He tried to sit up , and had a bit of difficulty until he remembered that it would be easier if he got his feet off the armrest of the sofa and on the floor first . " Man . Right , Hannah , right . It 'll be great . We 're with you . " And this is just how fucked up we were when we fucked up the first time , when we all agreed that Hannah 's junior high school , forget high school , junior high school prank was , okay , not a swell idea , maybe , but something the rest of us could get behind , without voicing a single doubt , without investing even thirty seconds into talking her out of it - nobody thought to bring a bag . Any kind of bag . Not even the one from the liquor store , with the big yellow smiley face on it , that was lying there on the floor in plain sight . We were going to go steal a bunch of shoes . We didn 't think about where we were going to put them , how we were going to carry them . We all just got to our feet , more or less - Kerby had the most trouble - and followed Hannah out the door , and down the stairs , and out of the building . The darkness surprised Demetria , who shook her head , then got her phone out to check the time . She muttered something I didn 't catch . The kid with the ratty jacket said , " Time 's funny , sometimes , " and she gave him this narrow - eyed look , like she thought he was making fun of her . He didn 't say anything else . " I 'll drive , " Hannah said , and Kerby had his head straight enough to not even try to argue ; he just handed her the keys . Five people in his little shitbox was a squeeze , but we were only going about a mile . I was in the middle of the back seat , and Demetria managed to stick her elbow in my ribs , but the Zack kid got the worst of it , just about flattened against the left - side door . In the front , Hannah kept burbling , and she ran a couple of stop signs , but no red lights , thank fuck . Kerby just laughed . Hannah 's brother lived in one of two identical buildings , the sort of old heaps you didn 't see a lot of any more , six - floor walkups , eight apartments on each floor . The two buildings were separated by a narrow courtyard , where the super kept the garbage and recycling bins , and in which the smaller kids whose parents had washed up in one or the other crumbing structure rode tricycles or kicked a ball around . Hannah parked two blocks away . I 'd forgotten until we got to Consolation Boulevard that her brother 's building was across the street from the police station . The kid in the ratty jacket glanced up and down the street . Saturday night , there were only a couple of cop cars parked outside the shop , the rest of them being on patrol , or down by the river where the condos and the taxpayers lived . But this street was quiet . There were a lot of older folks , if I remembered right from the previous occasion Hannah had dragged me there . Something to do with her brother , naturally . She wanted to give him something , that time . I had no idea why , or what , even . She was clutching this manila envelope with a lump in it , and all she would say was , " It 's his , so he should have it . It 's only fair . " We rang the bell , and rang the bell , and then we waited on the steps outside for over an hour , until I got fed up and said I had other things to do , and left her there . A couple of old people went in or came out of the building while we were waiting , and they smiled and nodded at us , real pleasant and friendly . In front of the twin building a few steps down , a mother with three kids , one of them in a stroller , chatted to a friend of hers , something about their trabajo . You know . The sort of people who didn 't mind living across the street from a police station . Who didn 't mind the occasional siren , or the cop cars sometimes parking on the sidewalk , because they figured if any street in town would be avoided by burglars and old - lady - bashers and kiddie - snatchers , it had to be that one . I wondered how Hannah 's shithead brother had fiddled his way into the building in the first place . The kid Zack kept looking around . Demetria must have thought that he was nervous about the cop shop , because she gave him a shove and said , " Be cool . " But he hadn 't been staring across the street . He 'd been looking up and down this one . " Yeah . " She was buzzing , almost vibrating . She started to giggle . " Numbnuts hides his keys behind the library when he goes out drinking . I saw him . " It was news to all of us that there was a library up the street , but we trailed along after her , and sure enough , there was the public library , and a pretty damn massive one , too , built in the old show - off style , with brass do - dads and do - dahs on the doors and stairs going up forever , and plaques all over the façade to immortalize the names of the politicians in office when the freaking thing was built , and dedicated , and rededicated , and all that crap . Hannah disappeared into an unlit space between the library and the next building . Not an alley , exactly . More of a gap sort of thing . The rest of us looked at each other and stayed put , though that Zacky kid frowned . We heard her rooting around behind a big metal container that it took me a moment to figure out was the box you were supposed to put books in when you wanted to return them and the library was closed . " You know , " Demetria said , quietly , " it 'd be better for her if she could just let it go . Walk away . Forget about her brother , forget she even has a brother . Decide he doesn 't exist , and just get on with her life . " I remember that she said that . It stuck with me , because Demetria never talked about her family . If somebody , I mean someone who didn 't know her very well , tried to push her on the subject , she 'd go all stony . The rest of us had learned a long time ago not to go near the topic . " Ha ! " Hannah shouted , from behind the book return box . " Got them ! " She ran out , jingling the keys over her head , and grinning all over her face . It was too late for that , though we didn 't know it yet . " Right , " Hannah said . " Okay , you guys , just follow me . " The kid didn 't say anything . Meanwhile , we were all walking back toward 2221 . I was already thinking that when we were done with this little caper , Hannah was going to talk our ears off for hours , rehashing every single second a thousand times . Hours ? This was going to become one of her favorite stories . She was going to be bringing it up every time we got together . But you had to put up with crap like that from your friends , even if it made you crazy sometimes . Why the hell else were we all there with her in the first place , doing this dumbass thing ? Because we were her friends . The cats were already pacing us . I didn 't notice the first one . Or the second one . Who pays attention to a couple of stray cats ? The kid in the ratty jacket , though , he saw them . We were between the buildings , between 2223 and 2221 , just about where the street entrance to the courtyard was , when Zack stopped . Of course we didn 't pay attention to him , either . He was just this strange kid who always wore the same clothes and stared at commonplace things with a lunatic intensity . When he wasn 't giving the impression of either being just about to fall asleep , or burst into tears , that is . I never did figure him out . Once , I asked Kerby how come that kid had started hanging around us , anyway , and he said he 'd tagged along after Demetria one day , but Demetria said it was Kerby who met him first , in Adams Park . " Wait , " Zack said . " Wait . " And he said it louder than any of us had ever heard him speak before , and so we did stop , and swiveled our heads to glare at him , because who the fuck was he to tell us to wait ? And then we saw the cats . Dozens of them . Behind us , in front of us , on all side of us . And above us as well , on ledges , on fire escapes . And they were all eyeballing us , every single one of them . One cat slinked forward , into the little pool of grainy light from the street lamp a couple of yards away . The kid eased forward , too , sliding between Hannah and Demetria , so that he and the cat were facing each other , so to speak . The cat didn 't look at all special . Black and white , skinny , a bit on the small side . Hannah made to move on , to the steps leading up to the front door of 2221 , but I put a hand on her arm . And that was the second time we fucked up . Talking cats ? Anyone with sense would have run like hell to the car , gone back to Kerby 's place , and finished off his crap tequila . Plus everything else Demetria still had on her . But sense was something none of us possessed that night . Zack said , " That wasn 't about Hannah 's brother . That was about something else , " so clearly he had some kind of a clue , but he came with us up the steps , and waited silently while Hannah worked out which key unlocked the front door , and the which key fit the inner door , while Kerby and Demetria kept cursing under their breaths and telling her to get a move on . Once we were inside , Hannah put her finger to her lips . The stairs were at the far end of the corridor . " Fifth floor , " she whispered . Kerby groaned . Demetria pinched him , which only made him go , " Ow ! " loudly . Of course it was a walkup building . All those old piles of shit were . And of course we stumbled and swore and bumped into each other , and all of us except the damn kid were out of breath by the third floor , and once Hannah dropped the keys . They clattered down almost an entire flight before Zack , who was bringing up the rear , caught up with them . I was surprised nobody poked their head out of any of the apartments to ask what the blazes was going on , or even yelled out from behind a closed ( and barred , and deadbolted , I bet ) door to keep it down . Maybe they were all quietly speed - dialing the nice cops across the street . Or maybe they just figured we were Hannah 's dickhead brother and some of his friends , staggering home somewhat earlier than usual for a Saturday night . We made it to the fifth floor without Kerby having a heart attack , or me passing out , or the neighborhood watch ( probably two old ladies and a guy with a cane and a yappy dog ) swarming us . Hannah was panting , but still grinning . She waved us on . " This is it , this is the one . " The doors on this floor were all painted an ugly shade of green that reminded me of the color of plastic limes . They all looked the same , except for the numbers . No decorations , nothing personal on any of them . We had a couple of moments when we thought Hannah had mixed up the apartments , because the first key she tried didn 't work , and the second one didn 't , either . But then she got the bottom lock to turn , and eventually , by an extensive process of elimination ( trying every damn key on the ring , including the ones for the outside doors , including ones she 'd already tried three or four times ) that made Demetria not only roll her eyes again , but start tapping her foot , Hannah hit on the key that opened the top lock . Her brother 's place was a lot nicer than Kerby 's . Bigger , art on the wall , an entertainment center , furniture that hadn 't been salvaged from curbsides . He wasn 't the neatest guy in the world , though . Dirty plates on the table , mail tossed on the floor , stains on the walls and dust in the corners . Filthy windows . I went over to look out . Since the lights were on in the room , I had to put my nose against the glass and shade my eyes in order to see anything . His windows faced the courtyard . The first time I looked out , I didn 't see anything but garbage cans and shadows . " Don 't touch anything , " Hannah said . " Right ? Don 't mess any of this shit up . We got to make it look like nobody 's been here . He 's going to go nuts trying to find the shoes . He 's going to be thinking it 's impossible anybody took them , right , when the place is just like he left it . It 'll be like a mystery . " " I don 't know how many pairs he has . Lots , okay ? He likes shoes . He 's got tons . Every time I see the fucker , he 's wearing a new pair . " Just about that time , it finally occurred to me that we hadn 't brought anything along to haul the shoes away in . " We 're going to need a bag , " I said . " I 'll check the kitchen . " Which probably meant once . Twice , tops . When we entered , we 'd stepped directly into the living room . From where I was standing by the windows , I could see the kitchen , which was separated from the room with the couch and the flatscreen and the natural - wood table and the matching straight - backed chairs with matching blue cushions on them by a counter that ran three - quarters of the length of the room , topped with tile that was meant to look like marble . I couldn 't see any doors , but there had to be at least two - the bathroom and the bedroom . " Okay , Hannah , " I said . " Why don 't you check the bedroom . I 'll just go over there to the kitchen area , and look for a bag . He 's got to have some . I won 't disturb anything , I promise . " " The bedroom , " Hannah mumbled . " Right . The bedroom . " She wasn 't grinning anymore . She wasn 't pacing around , acting out basketball moves . She gazed at the entertainment center , with its stereo and iPod cradle and TV and X - box and stacks of DVDs and games and even CDs , all jumbled up together , and an expression came over her face , very much like the one dogs get the second before they spring at you . " I bet he loves this stuff more than he loves his shoes . " " You stay here , " Hannah said . Louder . Almost in her normal voice . " I got this . " She turned away from the entertainment center , glanced at the kitchen , then moved left , around the counter . Past the cabinets , there was a narrow hallway I hadn 't noticed . No , I 'd noticed it , but I 'd thought it was an alcove , a breakfast nook type of thing . Hannah disappeared down the hall , and after a moment another light came on . " We all want companionship in the dark . " He stared at a spot on the floor . Looked like a cigarette burn to me . " Mostly . " He kept guard on the cigarette burn while we listened to Hannah thump around in what I hoped was the bedroom . I hoped Hannah hadn 't gotten detoured and decided to dump out all her brother 's shampoo and aftershave and whatnot into the bathroom sink . " Hannah 's getting a little over - agitated . Even for her . Once she gets the shoes , we 're hauling ass out of here , " I said . " Everybody agree ? " Nods all around . Kerby had his grin back on his face . Demetria looked bored , but then Demetria enjoyed looking bored . Used to enjoy looking bored . Even the kid bobbed his head . For a minute there , I thought everything was going to work out , we were going to get the shoes and boogie , and Hannah was going to call her brother and laugh at him ( probably before he even got home ; she had the patience of a grasshopper on meth ) , and that would be that . " All right , take it easy ! " She had the same look in her eye she had the time this perv in a car , a station wagon , really , waved her over , acting like he needed directions , and then asked her if she 'd like to come over to his place to make a video . Hannah punched the guy 's windshield , then reached in through the driver 's side window to try to grab him by the throat . The perv tore out of there like there was an army of zombies after him , and Demetria and me had to take Hannah to the ER to get her hand X - rayed . Kerby missed that little bit of drama . When we told him about it later , Hannah with her hand wrapped up in an ace bandage and shit , me and Demetria still shaking slightly from the adrenaline OD , he laughed like it was the funniest thing he 'd heard in his life , little Hannah hulking out on some asshole in a station wagon . " Hannah , " Demetria said . She was trying to keep her cool , at least . And at least act like some serious shit was going down . " Let 's just stick to the plan , okay ? " I opened the window . Twisted the latches , shoved the window up . I knew if I didn 't , Hannah would hurl herself against the glass again . And again . Until she broke it . Saturday night in the ER , I was thinking . Not the most appealing place to wind up . So yeah , I was thinking more about me then , not her , not her brother , not the stupid shoes . I wanted another hit of Demetria 's new recipe . I wanted to be home in bed . I wanted to zip back in time and take back what I 'd said to Hannah about getting even with her brother . The only one of those things I had any chance of getting was more of Demetria 's stuff , but that was going to have to wait . Hannah threw the shoes out the window . Even from the fifth floor , I could hear them thud and thunk as they hit the concrete of the courtyard below . Then she strode back through the kitchen and into the narrow hall . Demetria and Kerby seemed determined to pretend that the encounter with the cats hadn 't happened . Later , Kerby claimed that he didn 't remember anything after we all got into his car . That might even have been true , since when we got back to his place , he immediately killed the rest of the bottle of knockoff tequila in three long gulps . " No , " I said . " No , you 're not . That 's it . Fun 's over . Come on , you guys . Let 's go . " Me , the voice of reason . It wasn 't exactly a first , but it was rare enough . The kid nodded , and Demetria stepped toward her , lifting her hand , like she was going to try to take Hannah by the arm . It was human . I never had any doubt about that . It was a human voice , a man 's voice , high and wobbly . It wasn 't a cry of pain . Not physical pain . It was a cry of despair . It went on for a full minute , or at least it felt like it did . Zack shook his head , and kept backing away . Hannah pushed past him , grabbed the window sill , and leaned out . " Hey , " she shouted . " What 's your problem ? " Hannah had a good lead on us , though , and what with Kerby more than a little wobbly and Demetria and me not tremendously eager for a confrontation with some tenant who was probably going to call the law down on us , we didn 't exactly hurry . The kid came with us , bringing up the rear . I turned to look at him once . Even when we were all hanging out , just fucking around and bullshitting , half the time he looked like he was on the verge of crying . When he didn 't look like he was about to fall asleep . But that time on the stairs , he had for - real tears in his eyes . We knew Hannah was heading for the courtyard . Where else was she going to go ? And it didn 't really matter that she got so far in front of us that we lost sight of her ; we could hear her footsteps clattering on the steps as she ran down . The concept of stealth had taken a leave of absence from her brain . And still nobody cracked a door to see what the ruckus was about , and nobody , except for the man who 'd cried out in the courtyard , seemed to care that a bunch of idiots were in the building at all . Even at the time , that struck me as strange . Hannah had made a hell of a lot of noise chucking those shoes , and she was making even more noise now on the stairs . Where were the insomniac old ladies , where were the busybodies with the yappy little dogs ? Kerby paused on the second floor landing to catch his breath . Or to stop his head from spinning . Or both . " Don 't you dare puke , " I said . " I 'll tell you what you are going to do , " Demetria said . And she sounded real sure . In charge . The way she liked to act . The way she used to like to act . " You 're going to get hold of Hannah , and we 're going to get the keys . Your car keys , and her fuckhead brother 's keys . And you 'll carry her to the car if you have to . And if she kicks and screams , you 're just going to take it , got that ? " She glanced at me . " You okay to drive ? " So that was the plan , and it wasn 't a bad plan . It was a pretty good plan , really , for a bunch of fuckups who hadn 't any real clue how to live like grownups to come up with while trying not to trip over their own feet , or vomit , or pass out from hyperventilating . That last one would be me . We were all in such crappy shape it wasn 't funny . I didn 't look at the kid again , but I knew he was behind us . Didn 't hear him panting . Didn 't hear him crying , either . I figured that when we got to the courtyard , it was going to be him , not Kerby , who would actually be able to grab hold of Hannah and keep her pinned long enough for us to get the keys . We made it out of the building , and we got to the narrow entryway to the courtyard , with the stupid little arch over it . We couldn 't hear Hannah anymore . Or anything else . Nobody yelling . No cats yowling . Or giving advice . Not even the wind . It was like the world had stopped . Demetria went in first , like the leader she thought she was , then me and Kerby . Zack was behind us . He was with us up until we spotted the old man . It was hard to see anything at first . There were no lights in the courtyard , and all the windows that faced out on it were dark . Except for the windows of Hannah 's brother 's place . Nobody had remembered to turn the lights off when we went after her . But a couple of illuminated windows up on the fifth floor didn 't help for shit . We saw Hannah at last , because she moved . Jumped , really . Backwards , a good eight inches at least . The way you spring back when you realize you 're about to stick your foot into something with teeth . Kerby giggled . I didn 't see what she 'd leaped away from . Couldn 't see any of the shoes she 'd thrown out the window , either , though she must have chucked more than a dozen . The light was really bad . Worse than it should have been . The two buildings blocked the street lights , but there should have been some light coming in from above . Lights from taller buildings . Or even some fucking starlight . " Hannah , " Demetria called . Not loudly , but loud enough that Hannah had to have heard her . " You okay ? " Hannah didn 't answer . She had her back to us . She was shaking her head . Naturally we assumed she was shaking her head at us . Demetria tapped Kerby on the elbow . " Okay , we 're going to do this now . " She gave him a shove to get him moving , and we all advanced into the courtyard . Kerby wasn 't super - enthusiastic about the role assigned to him . He kept trying to hang back , and Demetria kept pushing him forward . Again , I figured we were going to need the kid to step up when Kerby flubbed it , so I jerked my head around to check his position . I thought he meant Kerby . Who else ? But Zacky had seen the old man . Thinking back , it 's possible he might have seen him from the window of Hannah 's brother 's apartment . That kid had weird eyes . And weirder shit going on behind those eyes . From five floors up , had he really seen the old man crouching on what was not concrete anymore , but dirt ? It took me a damn long time to realize the courtyard had changed . I don 't think Kerby and Hannah ever did notice . Had he seen that the old guy was holding something in his hands , hunched over it like a little kid trying to protect his most favoritest toy from being snatched away ? Hannah was sort of jumping up and down , like she was trying to shake ants off her legs . Demetria shoved Kerby again , and he took a step , but then stopped . Demetria stopped , too . They 'd caught sight of the old man . I hadn 't , yet . I was too busy being pissed off at the kid . " I 'm sorry , " he said again . He sounded utterly miserable . Not that I gave a shit at that point . I just wanted to grab Hannah and the car keys and get the hell out of there . " I can 't … I can 't do it . It hurts too much . " But I think , now , it was all real . Maybe not all of it was real in the same way , but it was all real in some way . That 's how I manage to get my head around it , to deal with what happened . Kerby says he doesn 't remember anything , and Hannah just goes evasive if I bring up the subject . " Shit , " I said , when the kid ran off . " Who are you ? " Demetria said , and of course I didn 't know what the fuck she was talking about . When I turned back to them , she 'd moved a few steps in front of Kerby . Hannah was still doing her twitchy dance . Kerby was just standing there like a lump . I heard the old man before I saw him . Later , naturally , I realized it must have been him who 'd let out that long shaky cry that we 'd heard on the fifth floor . But the first words I heard him speak were , " Can you forgive me ? " I moved closer , circling around the others . For some reason , I didn 't want to get too near any of them . I think it was then that I noticed the dirt . I knew the floor of the courtyard hadn 't been dirt before . The first time I 'd come along with Hannah , a little kid had been riding his tricycle in there , on concrete . Tonight , when I 'd glanced in through the entryway , before we 'd even trailed Hannah up the block to the library , I 'd seen the garbage and recycling bins lined up against the interior wall . I didn 't see them now . I didn 't see any of the shoes Hannah had thrown , either . This was something different than it just being dark in the courtyard . Something had changed , or something had … stopped hiding . Stopped concealing itself . Of course we were all fucked up , still fucked up . You couldn 't have trusted any of us to operate heavy machinery , or add up a column of numbers with a piece of paper and a pencil . Hannah was blind with rage , and the rest of us were just blind stupid . Except the kid , and he was gone . And except , maybe , Demetria . " What have you done ? " she asked , quietly . Gently , almost . Which was not her usual mode at all . " Why do you need forgiveness ? " I could see who she was talking to now . The old man , kneeling on the dirt , holding something in his hands , hunched over it protectively . It was so dark in the courtyard I could barely make out Demetria 's face , but I saw him clearly . White hair , white hands , shabby brown clothes . I shouldn 't have been able to see brown . I shouldn 't have been able to see the cracks in the leather of his boots , or the creases like old scars on his skin . But I did . And if it had been me talking to him and not Demetria , I probably would have said something empty and meaningless , like , I 'm sure you haven 't . Because that 's what you do , right ? People tell you some desperately awful thing , and you go , There , there , it 's not that bad , you 're making too much of it , it 's probably nothing . Even when , like with that old guy , it was most definitely something . I wished I couldn 't see him so clearly . Naked despair makes you want to turn away . Makes you want to close your eyes . Or say something stupid to pretend it isn 't there . Demetria said , " A lot of people could say the same thing . " She wasn 't being sarcastic , or flip , or superior . She spoke to him gently . Compassionately . And Demetria never did that . " I used to have a friend , " the old man said . " She would come to visit me from time to time , to make sure I was all right . Sometimes she brought me food . Little cakes from that bakery on Hinson Street . I liked those cakes . She doesn 't come anymore . " Hannah had quit hopping about so much , but she was still wired . Confusion just generated more fury in her . " You weren 't here before . What are you doing here ? Where are the shoes ? " " I 'm always here . " The old guy looked down at whatever the hell it was he was holding in his hands . I could see him , I could see every wrinkle in his skin and every stain on his tattered brown clothes , but I couldn 't see what he held . " I 've been here since I was young . I used to have a friend . " Take care means be careful . Take care also means look after . Tend . Nurture . Or it could . But that was take care of , though , wasn 't it ? The cat had said Take care . As in watch out . Would the cats have stalked us , stopped us , talked to us , if Demetria had not been in our group ? We all saw the old man , but Demetria saw something more . I wish that kid Zack would quit avoiding me . He might not have all the answers , but I figure he 's got some of them . The way he kept staring at things , like he expected them to change . And he said the cats were real . I want to ask him why the cats gave a crap . I want to ask him if it was us who brought the old man and the dirt floor of the courtyard and the strange darkness into our reality that night by messing around with the stupid shoes , if the cats were warning us that our nonsense was going to have consequences . Or if they just knew that Demetria was vulnerable . I keep thinking that the next time I see the kid , I 'm going to follow him . See where he goes , see where he 's hanging out now . Make him talk to me . That night , the third time we fucked up was when we didn 't leave as soon as Kerby had bear - hugged Hannah . He just stood there , holding her . I was just as bad . Just as stupid . I should have moved . Should have gone to Demetria , pulled her away . I didn 't . None of us moved , or did anything , or said anything . " Your friend probably died , " she said . But not in a mean way , or a nasty way . Not the way she used to talk to us . " What else can I do ? " The old man glanced down at his hands again . I never saw what he was holding , but I think Demetria did . " I promised . It 's all been a waste , but I promised . " " Probably nothing . My whole life , for nothing . " " A lot of people can 't keep a promise for a day . Almost nobody can keep one for a lifetime . " " Anybody . Anybody . " He jerked his head up then , and looked at each of us , and we said nothing . I took a step back . His head sank again . " I used to have a friend , " he mumbled . Did we still have a chance , then ? One second , one instant , when we could have grabbed her and hauled her out of the courtyard ? I think about that a lot . I think that it had been too late for a long , long time , but we still should have tried . " Demetria , " I said . My voice sounded strange . The air smelled strange . I was still standing on dirt , but just to the right of me , the courtyard floor was turning back to concrete . She didn 't look at us . She didn 't say goodbye . She and the old man went into the darkness together , and when the starlight returned , there were shoes scattered all over the courtyard , and garbage bins along one wall , and a cheap - jack soccer ball some kid must have left behind , and nothing else . I 've been back since . Hannah 's brother spotted me once , and started yelling about breaking into his place , but that was the only trouble I 've had . The stray cats don 't give me a second glance . The courtyard is always an ordinary , narrow courtyard between two old buildings . Kids play in there . There is no bakery on Hinson Street . There isn 't even a Hinson Street anymore ; the city council changed the name years ago . Nobody 's come to talk to any of us about Demetria . Not officially . Not cops . Not family . ( That was no surprise . ) Some folks , yeah , they ask , what happened to that chemist chick , she skip town or something ? Kerby just says he doesn 't know , and Hannah goes , yeah , she moved , too bad , right ? She used to cook up some amazing shit . I can just about believe that Kerby really has no clear memories of that night . Hannah 's such a flake she 's convinced she put a good one over on her brother , and that 's the major thing she remembers . She got her brother good . It was a famous victory . Like that . If I try to get her to recall the cats , the old man , the fact that Demetria never left the courtyard , Hannah gets all vague . Yeah , there were cats , but so what ? There are always cats . Old man ? Yeah , there was an old guy that yelled at us for throwing the shoes out the window . Demetria ? Yeah , she … she went somewhere . She didn 't come back with us . And that 's as far as Hannah will go . That Demetria went somewhere . I go to the courtyard . In the daytime , I just glance in as I walk by . Or if there doesn 't seem to be anybody on the street , or looking out the windows , I step in quickly , but I don 't linger . Cop shop across the street , after all . Any tenant could call me in as a trespasser . It 's easier to sneak in at night . I pace the length and breadth of the area . I run my hands over the interior walls , over the littered concrete floor . Sometimes I call Demetria 's name . So the old man wasted his life holding something , protecting it . Something that he believed was probably pointless to safeguard , but he had promised to do it . What the thing is , who made him promise , why he said yes … I want to know this stuff . That Zacky kid might not be able to tell me , but I figure he can point me to someone who can . Demetria never liked sweets . Cakes , cookies , not her sort of thing . Pretzels , nuts , that was the kind of shit she liked . Salty crap . She saw what the old man was holding . Did it matter ? Did she think , right , sure , guarding this is not a waste of time , a waste of a life , or was it more : well , waste my life one way , waste my life another , what 's the difference ? Did she flip a coin in her head ? She left us . Yeah , it was our fault , going there to do such a stupid thing in the first place , not listening to the cats , not getting the hell out when the kid bailed , not stopping her when she went to the old man . We left her there , but she left us first . For a stranger . The old man isn 't going to last forever . Maybe Demetria didn 't think she needed a friend . Maybe she thought she 'd be better off on her own , free of losers like us . I think she 's wrong . I think she 's going to want a friend soon , someone to visit her once in a while , to bring her pretzels and nuts , to have a bit of conversation with . I 've got them , in my bag . Pretzels . A can of mixed nuts . And cupcakes , for the old man . Though he probably won 't like them . Store bought garbage , just lumps of artificial flavors and preservatives . I carry them around with me anyway . So the old guy won 't feel left out , when I find them . Because it feels like shit , being left out . I haven 't told Kerby and Hannah what I 'm doing . They wouldn 't understand . Or they wouldn 't care . No , I 'm wrong . And they wouldn 't care . I still hang out with them . We still waste our time getting fucked up and talking bullshit . Though Hannah says I 'm quieter than I used to be . And that I sit and stare at nothing . She laughs at me sometimes , though she says no , it was only that she thought of something funny . Which could be true , but not all of the time . I do my best to make eye contact with every cat , stray or otherwise , that I encounter . I visit the courtyard . I keep an eye out for Zack . The next time I see him , I will follow him and make him talk . One way or another , I am going to find Demetria again , and get her to understand that however much of a fuckup I may be , I am her friend . I don 't want her to be kneeling in that courtyard some day , all alone , not even muttering that she used to have a friend . It 's as good a way to waste my life as any other . I can think of worse ways . I just have to look at Kerby and Hannah , and dozen or two other people I know , for examples . " Hey . Hey . Did you hear what I said ? Man , you 're always in dreamland these days . " Hannah 's playing solitaire on her phone . She 's so out of it she 's dropped the thing twice already . Kerby 's sprawled on the sofa , like always . I thought he 'd been talking , not Hannah . Must 've lost a minute or two . I look at her and shrug . I guess she 's bored with her game , because she shrugs back , exaggeratedly . Mimicking me . Mocking me . and delivered to you in 0 . 371 seconds using 27 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
Nadia Carridge was deeply in love , but could not live happily ever after . Her lifestyle was one of danger and intrigue , too dangerous to leave and too addictive to want to leave . She entered the life of mystery because of one man , Martin Anders . Martin , loved Nadia with a ferocity that no one else could match , but a dark dangerous secret from her childhood has followed her and threatens to ruin her life and the lives of everyone that she loves . Joined by a group of intelligent misfits , Nadia and Martin are determined to protect everyone , even you . A strong breeze came through the picture window , nearly unbalancing the young woman who was poised on its ledge . Her wavy mocha colored hair swirled around her bronze face as she gently unperched herself and entered the room . She straightened the cable that was harnessed to her sleek , , black cat suited frame , so as not to get it tangled with her small backpack . She eased around the desk , avoiding the button of the silent alarm she had been briefed about . She had to get on the other side of the room without tripping any of the installed alarms and now she was doubting her stealth . She crouched down beside the desk and whispered to the others that where waiting on the other end of her earpiece . " Stay right there . Don 't move . It won 't be much longer and I 'll have the alarms disabled . But , you will still have to worry about the safe . " She waited , looking around the curator 's office . The office was large with two doors on opposite sides of the room leading to other parts of the museum . The only pieces of furniture occupying the space were the desk and chair she was crouching by and another chair in front of the desk . The walls were lined with paintings and overloaded bookshelves , plants and small sculptures lined the tops . " All right , " The voice spoke up . " I 'm about to bypass the alarms by rerouting their signal to another museum that uses the same security set up . Remain still and tell me what , if anything , happens . " Walking to the center of the room , she stopped and pulled a small device , the size of a deck of playing card , out of a zippered pouch on her belt . She pushed a button to turn it on and pointed it to her left back towards the direction of the window in which she had entered . She lead the device around the room while reading the digital numbers that kept changing on the tiny screen . She stopped when she reached an area near the end of the room , along the wall to the right of her . She slipped the device back into the zippered pouch and walked over to the bookcase on the far right wall . She ran her hands along the assortment of books and started tapping in various places . When she heard a hollow sound , she used both hands to pull a section of books apart . She pulled out a hollow box , disguised like a set of Shakespeare 's works , to expose a wall safe . Setting the box on the ground , she pulled another device from her front pocket . She clamped it onto the dial of the safe and turned in on . The number counter started searching and beeped as it found each number of the encoded combination . Exchanging the small decoder for a diamond tester she kept in another pouch , she removed a bag , opened it and took out a few gleaming diamonds from within . She held up the tester and waited . The colorful light scale on the side started to light up . The neon green light ran up until it hit the yellow lights and they finally reached red . A long beep rang out . Satisfied , she returned the diamonds to the satchel and repeated the process with the remaining three satchels , then set them aside on the floor . When she was done she removed her backpack and took out four identical black pouches . She put three of the identical pouches into the safe and opened the last one , taking out a diamond simulant . She tested it with the diamond tester and was pleased when the tester read it as a diamond . Setting the last simulant bag down on the shelf , she placed the pouches containing the real diamonds and the tester inside the backpack and slipped it back on , securing it to her harness . " What am I doing here ? " The man in the doorway asked . " That 's a good question , one that I should be asking you . Here 's another question for you . What are you doing holding my diamonds ? " She didn 't have time to shut the safe or to put its disguise back over it . She looked down to the floor and noticed the heavy , hollowed out box sitting there . She shifted her weight trying to look nervous , while putting her foot into the box . When the man had almost reached her , she kicked her foot up and flung the heavy box at him . He managed to block his face , but his arm caught the full weight of the box . Still holding the bag of simulants , she raced back to the picture window and perched up on the ledge . She turned and saw that he was almost to the window . Smiling , she held the bag out of the window . CHAPTER ONE Nadia Carridge stepped off the plane and onto the boarding ramp at The Queenston , Florida National Airport . The other passengers filed past her , some businessmen with leather briefcases running to meet their next planes . She stood to the side for a while until everyone had passed . She wasn 't sure who would meet her at the end of that ramp . She wasn 't sure anyone had gotten the text message she had sent by mobile phone . It had been sent to three of her closest associates , stating : Saturday , I will meet the president … . Just me and Congressman Sutton at the Hotel Garden Gate for now … . The three from Florida left Thursday … . . Sutton is number four on the committee 's afternoon roster … . They changed codes every now and then , just to be safe . " Well , here goes . " She whispered to herself . Nadia gathered up her carry on case and handbag and headed down the ramp . As she neared the ramps end she could see the other passengers with their families . When she was at the end , she didn 't see anyone she knew , so she headed toward the baggage claim . She stood in the claim area searching for her bags . Still keeping an eye out for her ride . She took a chance and walked to the edge of the baggage area , near the exits leading to the cab stand . All of a sudden everyone in the terminal heard the same thing , the same voice , that same yell . " Ye haw ! How you little filly ? " A strong Texan accent blurted out from behind her and before she could protest , strong arms grasped her around the waist and swung her around in a circle . " Put me down ! Who are you ? Let me go this instant ! " She shrieked . The arms let her go and she spun around to see a broad shouldered cowboy . He was dressed in an awful red ho - down shirt , blue jeans , huge snakeskin boots . and he topped it all off with an oversized cowboy hat . The cowboy scratched at his scruffy beard and mustache then replied in a loud obnoxious voice . " What 's the matter little lady ? Don 't you recognize me ? " He drawled . " No , I do not . You must have me confused with someone else ! " They noticed that everyone in the terminal was looking at them . " Just come with me little darlin ' . " The cowboy pushed her along through the airport terminal . This was it . She thought . Devahn has caught up to me sooner than I expected . He has sent this Howdy Doody reject to off me . I 'll end up in some swamp dead with my feet and hands tied together with some sort of lasso . I could scream , but that would call more attention than we had had before and I don 't want any attention focused on me or my carry on case . " What are you doing ? Where are you taking me ? ! " She whispered quite audibly . " Just smile , I 'm not here to hurt you ! " He whispered sharply in her ear . " WShe placed the doll back in her case . " Yes , we got into a fight and nearly killed each other . He accused me of sending you to tamper with those diamonds . It 's going to get worse you know . " He leaned over and produced a small hand gun from under the seat and handed it to her . " Here , take this . " " Just to be careful , right ? " She took the hand gun , checked the safety and put it in her purse . " You got it . " He said . " So , he doesn 't know that I 'm alive ? . " Nadia raised a brow in question . " We weren 't sure who knew you were still with the living , so we disguised ourselves just in case . " Brianne yelled over her shoulder . " All right , come on Brianne , we can catch up on things while he does that . " Nadia took Brianne 's arm and lead them into the house . It was just as she had remembered , magnificent as always . Marbled floors and staircases surrounded the foyer . Each of the six bedrooms throughout the house were beautifully decorated with a classic flair . Nadia and Brianne went upstairs to her room . " So , how were the islands ? " Brianne asked . Nadia laid across the bed . " Great as usual . " She answered . Nadia couldn 't stop thinking about Brianne 's role in picking her up . Martin could have come alone . She had sent three messages , one to each of her friends ; Martin , Brianne , and another , Ebony Kane . She thought they would all get together and decide which one would pick her up , they always worked it out that way . " So Brianne , what is going on in your life ? " " Not much . I 've been working on some fashion exporting scandal to catch some heroin dealers that have been supplying the younger models . Gary Stevens has hired me for a couple of photo shoots . " Brianne posed comically . Nadia smiled briefly and gave her a steady stare . " Well , you weren 't too busy to help Martin come and get me , were you ? " Nadia watched Brianne and waited for her to give her an explanation . Brianne and Nadia had been friends for years . As a girl , Brianne was brought up in the hardest of families . Her father was one of the heads of naval security and a raging drunk , her mother was the base tramp that serviced most of the young G . I . 's . Both parents paying attention to their children only at public events . Brianne , her brother , Aaron , and her sister Lilia were usually caught in the middle of severe fights . Nadia tended to overlook some of Brianne 's little stunts , but she let her have an earful when she knew her friend needed it . If you weren 't lucky enough to be her friend , Brianne could be as sweet as sugar to your face and then turn around and stab you in the back with out batting an eyelash . " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Brianne asked coyly . " I 'll just put it this way , Brianne . I don 't want you distracted on the job , by men or anything else . Now , you know how we usually work the airport scene . That goes for all of us . Whoever gets the messages should all meet somewhere and decide who should pick up said person . Brianne , you could have put our operation in serious jeopardy and you know Martin is soft when it comes to a pleading women . " " Guilty , I did beg Martin to let me come to the airport , but if you think I had any ulterior motives , you can ease your mind . I 'm sorry about the limo thing , but the regular driver wasn 't available . I wasn 't thinking and I guess I just wanted to see you too . " " You knew exactly what you were doing . You wanted Martin to be impressed with you and you wanted to show him that you could handle more responsibility . " " Maybe I did want that a little . " Brianne sighed . " You are my friend and I love you very much , Brianne . God knows why sometimes , but so help me if you don 't start sticking to some of the rules you are going to make serious mistakes and you 'll end up paying dearly because of it . You got me ? " Nadia raised an eyebrow . " Sure , I completely understand . " Brianne nodded . " And that goes for Martin too . " Nadia shook her finger at the bright - eyed red head . " Would you excuse us , Brianne ? " He sauntered into the room and placed the rest of the bags by the bed . " Sure , I 'll be in the kitchen if you need me . " She turned and walked out of the room . She sighed and a barely audible , ' Rules ' , was muttered from Brianne . Brianne waved a comical arm as she disappeared around a corner . Martin took Nadia in his arms . The aroma of her perfume mixed with the salty air of the coast gave off a most alluring scent . He had forgotten what this was like just to hold her close to him , to savor the fact that she was safe once again . But , for how long ? He wondered . He had brought her into this ' business ' because he loved her too much to let her go . He always thought that they would marry someday , but it had never been the right time for them . Thinking back on his days as a child back in Havana , Cuba , he remembered how strong a marriage his father and mother had had and he didn 't want any less for him or for Nadia . Martin and his parents came to America by boat when he was nine years old . His mother wanted him to be an American citizen . If it hadn 't been for his Uncle Paolo , his family would have died in the streets of Havana , gunned down like animals . Martin remembered when his father was jobless and their family was close to starving , the Cuban gorillas offered him a job as a collector , but he refused and the militia took control of his house and threw the family out on the streets . ' No Police ! ' , his father had said . The militia controlled most of the force and they would surely be killed if they spoke out . They were lucky that they were thrown out on the street instead of shot in their beds . Martin had a Cuban accent , but could charm up others whenever he needed . Most people could not guess his nationality and he loved that . He could pass for Italian , Colombian , Hawaiian , and even some European nationalities if he threw the right accent and language the persons way . Her arms tightened around his neck , " You 're glad to see me ? " She teased . " Well , let me show you . " Martin lifted her off the ground a bit and kissed her softly on the lips . " Martin , " She sighed , pulling back from him . " I 've missed you . " Nadia rubbed his massive arms and gave him a light slap on his bicep . " Now , that is just not possible , my love . " She smiled up at him . " Instead of Brianne cooking , how does dinner at Fagio 's sound ? " He asked . " Sounds wonderful . Give me a while to shower and change . " " I wish I could join you . " He grinned . She giggled . Just as he was about to lean down and kiss her again a voice came from the doorway . " Oh , uh , sorry . " Brianne cleared her throat . " Martin , something just came over your fax for you , it looks important . " " Damn it all ! " He yelled , " It had better be ! " Nadia sighed and collapsed in defeat on the plush bed . " Sorry , if I interrupted , Nadia . " " It 's okay , Brianne . I apologize for being a bitch a minute ago . I 've just been away for so long . " " Hey , what 's a day without a little bitching . " Brianne gave her a quick smile and sauntered down the hallway . " I just hope I can keep it together . " Nadia whispered under her breath . Groggily , she opened her eyes and realized that she had drifted off . Looking at the clock on the bedside table , Nadia found that it was six fifteen . She had been asleep for an hour and felt more energized than she had been earlier . She decided to unpack and then join Martin down in his study . After she showered she opted for a form fitting dress . The fire engine shade of red was perfect , showing off her bronze glow . As she was pulling back her wavy tresses , Martin came to the doorway in a rush . He gave her a quick once over and smiled with approval . " Why did you let me sleep ? " She teased . " You needed it . " " How do I look ? " She asked . " Marvelous as always . Honey , look , that fax I received earlier was from one of our informants stating that Devahn DeMarco is going to be in disguise tonight at Senator Sheehan 's estate and seeing that the good senator is a family friend of Brianne 's , we have a perfect in without having to disguise ourselves . How do you feel about that ? " He asked cautiously . " How do I feel about confronting Devahn ? The same man who wants to kill me for getting to those diamonds first ? " She hesitated a moment and then shrugged , " I guess now is as good a time as any to make myself known . " She sighed and shook her head . " I wonder what he is up to ? " " Hopefully , my darling , that is what we are about to find out . " He looked at her with concern . Throwing a sheer red scarf around her neck , Nadia walked out of the house and stepped up to Martin who was waiting for her by the limo . She noticed that Brianne was standing near the front of the car talking to someone , but she couldn 't tell who it was . " Whose driving ? " She asked . Brianne couldn 't be disguised as a driver since she would be attending the party . When Brianne noticed that Nadia was ready , she finished her conversation and went around to the opposite side of the car and got in . " Ian will be driving . He 's a new associate . " Martin motioned towards a tall , handsome man with dark hair and ruddy complexion . He reminded her of a young Gabriel Byrne . Nadia held out her hand . " Nice to meet you . " He said in a thick Irish accent while taking her hand to kiss it . " Likewise . " She smiled Martin opened the door for her and she slipped in next to Brianne . Brianne turned and smiled as she noticed a tall , older gentleman with a broad build . Senator William Sheehan walked towards her and came to stand by her side . His salt and pepper hair gleaming from the chandelier lights . She looked back towards Nadia and Martin . Nadia was in the center of the room talking with night club owner , Santana Sangramano . Martin was heading upstairs to the gallery room . Nadia knew that Santana was up on the latest gossip , but she wasn 't about to let her in on too much . Santana came from one of the biggest crime families in North America . The Sangramano 's were one of the most feared , untouchable , and respected of families in the country and were based all over , from New York to Miami , Dallas , and Las Vegas . Nadia smiled to herself . She really loved that family , but she was already in enough trouble without having to involve them . But , if she needed them , she knew that they would be there . She had seen Brianne head toward the verandah with Sen . Sheehan , but had no idea where Martin was . She hadn 't spotted Devahn DeMarco yet , but she would be ready when she found him . She slid her hand down to her side to make sure her pistol was still in her handbag . It was . Martin walked into the gallery room admiring several paintings by new young artists . One painting astounded him . It was a beach scene , a picture of a young woman dressed in a flowing sundress , the color of a mid - evening blue sky . Her hair was tied up in a scarf the same brilliant color as the dress . She had a hand to the side of her face , as if in disbelief as she looked down at her side . At her feet and all around her were children with flowers and beads , holding them up to her as if they were offerings to a goddess . The woman had a soft smile on her face and did not seem to mind the wind and water spray around her from the ocean , nor the sand between her toes . She just marveled at the native children . Martin turned around to see a young man dressed in black , not much taller than himself . His dark eyes were intense and piercing . His hair was short in the back and long on top . He couldn 't place his face , but Martin could have sworn that he had seen him before . " Well , getting back to the matter at hand . What do you think of her ? " Jorma walked over to straighten the picture . " I painted her . " " Ah , I see . I like it . " Martin nodded . " Anyway , so … uh … Jorma . What made you decide to paint the picture ? The one that looks like my friend . " " I think your painting might be of my companion after all . " Martin moved closer to Jorma and looked him in the eyes . " Who sent you Jorma ? Why are you here ? Is this some sort of a diversion ? " " Sent me ? What are you talking about , Bro ? I came here to drum up new business for my art gallery . I can 't help it if a person I painted resembles a friend of yours . " " Come with me . " He took her arm and led her up to the gallery room . He stopped her in front of the beach picture . " Look . " " This is Jorma Levitson , he painted that picture . " Martin gestured to Jorma then to the picture . " Your picture . Jorma , this is my companion , Nadia . " The artist put a hand to his forehead . " Oh , here we go again . Look sister , no one sent me . I am an artist , I paint things . I happened to be there when I saw you and all those wonderful kids . So , I just painted it . Am … am I on some sort of camera show ? It 's a camera show , right ? " " So do I . " She slipped her arm through his , then turned back to Jorma . " Hey , no … no , you 're not on some show . This is all just some sort of coincidence and misunderstanding . It was nice to meet you , Jorma , and it really is a very nice picture . Thank you . " " What the hell is wrong with you , man ? We ask you a simple question and you shove us off like that ? You didn 't even ask her for her permission . " " Look , I didn 't mean to be rude , but that 's some of my best work . It would take a lot for me to part with it . " He reached into his jacket pocket , pulled out a business card and handed it to Nadia . " I can paint a portrait of you if you want . Just let me know , okay ? She had been recruited by Martin a few years earlier . He had seen her perform at the Stardust in Las Vegas and an idea came to him . When he met her backstage , he found out that she was not just a beautiful performer , but was highly intelligent . She was wise and street smart and could hold conversation with the best of men . Ebony had dropped out of university in order to care for her younger siblings . She had wanted to be scientist or doctor , but as the years accumulated that dream had slipped away along with her youth . The job Martin gave her would let her be both scientist and doctor in a different form . He knew Devahn would fall for her , so he hired her to be a go between . A very dangerous , but well paid position . She jumped at it . Now , she couldn 't get away from the excitement or danger . She loved and hated it . " Let 's split up . I 'll tell Brianne where we 're going , " He gave Nadia 's arm a squeeze and whispered to her . " Be careful … " Then , Martin , turned and walked away . She headed toward the stairs and ascended to the gallery . She stopped briefly in front of her picture and smirked . She remembered that day , walking along the beach in St . Thomas . She had been playing with the children all day . That evening as she was heading toward her hotel , the children had each given her some token of thanks , for being so kind . Jorma must have been there . Even though some of the children in the drawing didn 't looked much like any of the children she had played with that day , her face was perfectly vivid . Clearly recognizable . Martin had told Brianne what was going down . She insisted on helping , but he told her to stay were she was , so she could keep an eye on the charity recipients . One just might be a cleverly disguised Devahn . Knowing that Nadia had headed upstairs , he decided to start with the bottom corridors and work his way up . Nadia peeked into one of the bedrooms and found that it was Senator Sheehan 's . After seeing that there was a flicker of light underneath an adjoining room door , she stepped in quietly and closed the door behind her . She noticed that the flicker of light had stopped when she had shut the door . Pulling the derringer from her evening bag , she readied it and approached the connecting door . As she switched on the light , she noticed that the room was Senator Sheehan 's adjoining upstairs study . Everything looked in place . His desk , a deep mahogany , was arranged very neatly . Even the stacks of newly opened letters were set aside in neat piles . On a corner of the desk a picture sat away from everything else in a regal position . It was a picture of Neil Sheehan , the senator 's playboy son . His pride and joy and his only offspring . Nadia had met Neil briefly , when he and Brianne ran in the same circles . For the first time she had noticed that he was wearing an Air Force uniform . He reached into a pocket of his jacket and produced a switch blade . He held it up to her throat and gently let it glide down to the center of her chest . " You 've already ruined tonight for me . It was perfect , I just go up and accept the charity fund check as Colonel Robert Pernefsky of the United States Air Force . I do so love to help those starving Cambodians , don 't you ? " He smiled as he slid the blade underneath her shoulder strap . Nadia became furious . She wasn 't about to let , Devahn DeMarco , have violent thrills with her . She started fighting like a wildcat , not caring where the blade was . Still clawing at Devahn , she heard a thud , then a clinking noise . She assumed the switch blade fell to the floor . With all the strength she could muster , Nadia dislodged her left leg out from under him and gave a thrust with everything she had , kicking him square in his manhood . She felt the pressure of his body ease away from her . As she looked into his face she saw the anger and pain he was feeling . He rose a little , just enough to where Nadia could push him off of her . She jumped to her feet , reached across the desk and found the sleek , silvery opener . He was right behind her now , trying to pin her against the desk . Devahn yelled and reeled away from the desk . Grasping his hand , he pulled the opener out of his flesh . She ran for the door , but his longer strides caught up with her . He grabbed her by her hair and threw her back down . He was atop of her again with his right arm raised , the blade tightly clenched in his fist . " What am I doing ? I was about to ask you the same question ! " Jorma reached behind him and took hold of Nadia 's hand to make sure she was okay . Devahn lunged towards Jorma with the blade out . Jorma kicked it out of his hand and jabbed him across the face again . Devahn came back with a punch of his own that sent the lanky artist flying into a wall . Devahn wrapped his hands around Jorma 's neck and began to squeeze , to which Jorma Levitson did in turn , taking hold of Devahn DeMarco 's neck . Which sent them into a frenzied tussle for power . " This has to be the ugliest thing that I have ever seen . You call this art ? At least it 's good for something , right ? " She waved the small piece of art at him and then let it drop on top of Devahn 's midsection . " Yeah , I think so . But I have got to work out more . I nearly bought it . " She winced at her aching shoulder . Peeking under the blazer , she noticed that she was bleeding from the small cut . " I 'm okay , really . " " No , no , no , no , Martin . Look at me , calm down . It was Devahn . He caught me off guard and jumped me . He would have killed me if it wasn 't for Jorma here . He saved my life , and fought with him . Devahn was ready to kill him , Martin . " She looked back in Jorma 's direction . Jorma spoke up , " Look , I don 't know what is going on . I just knew that she was in trouble and it wasn 't right . I 'd do the same again . What 's going on ? Did you guys disagree on some kind of business deal ? " " Nadia looked up at Martin and whispered . " He couldn 't know what Devahn is involved in . He saved my life , Martin . That couldn 't be faked . " " Okay , okay , " He looked up at Jorma still somewhat suspicious of him . " I 'll give you the benefit of the doubt . Thank you for your help . " Nadia walked over to the private study . " Yeah , we have to stash him somewhere until he wakes . We can 't leave him here . Senator Sheehan will think the rest of the his guests are in danger . " " Shit , I guess they 'll both turn up in time , " Martin scowled . " Let 's clean this place up and return to the party . We don 't want the senator to find blood all over his study . " It had been a week since the gala and no one had seen any sign of trouble from Devahn , but everyone was on their guard . Martin , said it was time to get back to business as usual . The business of making money and occasionally helping the needy . He was on the phone talking to the police commissioner of Queenston , Roy Houston . It was important to look as clean as possible on paper . Martin would find out who had jumped bail or was wanted by the feds and other agencies , how much he or she was worth . Then if he felt that the reward was worth the risk , they would go on the chase and turn the offender over to the highest bidder . " Yes , Roy . I understand . , " Martin smiled as Nadia and Brianne entered the room . " Sure , give us a week or two , all right ? Thanks . " Martin returned the receiver to its cradle . " Just another job . I 'm not sure if we all will be going this time . We will require a group for this job though . " He said as he stroked her hair . She couldn 't wait to get out of Florida . Ebony and Nadia generally got all of the interesting work . Brianne was still pretty new to the business . He stood up , lit a cigar and continued . " Those who go will have separate rooms , except for Ebony and Ian , who will be there as honeymooners . Nadia will be there as a school teacher from Dallas and I will be the lonely , nerdy business man . " " Hey , I 've got a wig , glasses , and a suit that Steve Martin wouldn 't touch . Believe me , I 'll fit the part . Okay , here 's the main info , this guy has been spotted in Las Vegas , we will be there for two or three days . Our target is named , Manuel Vega . He 's on the Ten Most Wanted List for bank robbery and murdering a family in the witness protection program . The family was very close to a political figure . There is a one million dollar reward for his capture . In the past he was known for gambling in the back rooms , so we have to draw him out without getting too many casino owners involved . I think that we can pull this all together in less than two weeks . " Brianne was a little upset . " I want to go , Martin . I am sick and tired of waiting here while everyone else gets to go to exciting places ! I work just as hard as anybody and I deserve a chance to prove that I can do something other than get my picture taken ! " Nadia tried to rest Brianne 's temper , " This man is quite dangerous , Brianne . Yes , you do work just as hard as the rest of us , but you have a hot head and that could be trouble . We need someone to be here . We need your backup expertise for this job . " " Bri ! " He gave her a fierce look . " Quiet , I decide who , when , and where . Go and do your hair or something . Maybe you can help on the next job . When they were alone , Martin walked over to Nadia , who was still staring out the window . He put his arms around her and gave her a tiny squeeze . For such a harsh businessman , it was hard to believe that Martin could be so sweet and compassionate at certain times . " About everything , " She sighed . " Martin , don 't you get tired of this business ? I … I 'm not sure if like the danger anymore . " " Hey … you know you love the danger . We have the best contacts and head people in our corner . We take the utmost precautions and are armed to the teeth . " " Look , you 've been away for a while . It 's going to take some getting use to , to get back into the swing of things . And besides , you 're still recovering from Devahn 's attack . You and I both know that he will regret that soon enough . " He hugged her close to him . " I promise . " " It 's not just that , Martin . " She walked over to a sculpture of a child sitting on his mothers lap . " I 've been thinking about where I 'm going and what I 'll do when I get old . Who 'll take care of me , if I even get to be old ? " " Ah , so that 's it . Children , family , marriage and the whole works again . I told you , someday we 'll do that . It 's just not the right time for it , that 's all , " Martin took her hand and led her back to the davenport , they sat . " So , tell me , what brought all this on ? " " I guess you 're right , It 's a bit of everything . Devahn 's attack on me , the islands , and being away from you for so long . The children too , I imagine . " Her voice trailed off into a whisper . " It 's that God damned painting , isn 't it ? " His voice filled with disdain for the artist . His first instinct was to not trust , Jorma Levitson , but Nadia seemed to like him . Even though Jorma knew Devahn , Nadia 's instincts were usually on the mark . " I know , I know , " Martin threw up his hands in protest at more comments . " But you need excitement , not a carpool and two point five kids . That just isn 't you and you know it . " " We 'll talk more after the next job . Maybe you 'll feel a little different then . " Martin pushed a wavy strand of hair from her forehead . He was about to say more when Brianne came flouncing into the room . " You 've got a phone call , Nadia . Some guy . I asked who it was , but he just told me that you wanted him to call about the painting ? Does that make any sense to you ? " Brianne raised her brows in question . " I 'm about to take off for a while , if that 's all right ? Your caller is on line four . " She started to put on her coat . " I 've got to have a talk with her . I think she 's starting to like Ian too much . I don 't want my best marksman shooting off target if we get into a bind . " " That 's quite all right . It was worth it . " Jorma 's deep voice answered back . " This is Jorma Levitson . The artist that painted you . " " No buts , just be here at 6 : 30 p . m . sharp , okay ? Look , I 've got to go . Be there . " " So , what 's going on ? That beatnik wouldn 't sell me that picture for anything and now he 's giving it to you ? " Martin sneered . " What ! " Martin exclaimed a little too loudly . " No , absolutely not . We shouldn 't even be trusting this guy and you want to go meet with him ? We have dinner plans anyway . " " Don 't be jealous , sweetie . I 'll be careful . You can even have one of the guys tail me if you want . " She gave him another soft lingering kiss . The Art Look was in Queenston 's theater district . A maze of antique shops , theaters , outdoor cafe 's , and galleries . Many local artists wanted their work displayed there . It was an old converted warehouse with a second story . The décor was all hardwood floors and cornflower blue beams and columns , with florescent tubes and bulbs attached to various beams along the ceiling , columns and walls . It was inviting and surreal at the same time . No , Jorma isn 't the devious type . It couldn 't be a trap . He did , however , know Devahn and she could never let herself forget that . More relaxed now , she pulled off her long sheer overcoat and tossed it onto a nearby chair . She checked herself in a mirror near the bathroom entrances . With her hair pulled back in a loose bun at the nape of her neck she looked a little older than her twenty - nine years . Her long black dress accentuating " Sorry to keep you waiting , Ms . Carridge . I had to make a phone call , " Jorma Levitson appeared in a doorway on the opposite side of the gallery . " Please , join me , if you would . There 's coffee in the back if you 'd like . " " I 'll pass on the coffee , thank you , and please call me Nadia . " She looked him over closely . God , she thought , he 's gorgeous . Jorma carried himself in a similar way as Martin . There was a cunning , assuredness illuminated from his eyes , his walk was like an easy glide , not a sign of awkwardness any where in sight . His form of dress , a white tee shirt and belted black slacks , showed he could have fun one moment and be serious the next . " Oh , no … I , uh , I don 't own this place . I have a very generous benefactor . " He motioned for her to have a seat on the couch . " Please . " " Just simple errands , that 's all , " He quickly changed the subject . " So , what do you do , besides tangle with dangerous businessmen at charity events ? And don 't tell me it was all a big misunderstanding . The way you and DeMarco were fighting was so unreal . I 've never seen him like that . What 's this all about ? " " Misunderstanding , " She shook her head . " I wish it were that simple . No , it wasn 't a misunderstanding . Your friend and I have been at each others throats for years now . That 's why I 'm so surprised that we don 't know each other , Jorma . I thought I knew everything about Devahn and his business . " " Well , you should know that big business and big money are hard to give up . The competition can get dangerous , but the adrenaline rush is so great that you just can 't give it up . It becomes a way of life . " " It 's not really a secret anyway . So , I 'll trust you for now . " Nadia folded her arms and tried to distract herself from his wandering eyes . " I had just turned twenty one and graduated from college . My parents were foreign dignitaries , so we traveled a lot . Anyway , my mother and I were traveling around to the private schools where I had interviews for teaching jobs . Well , in the middle of our trip a message came that said my father had been taken hostage on a business trip to Morocco . " She turned away . " Oh , it was , and it got worse . My mother and I flew over to Rabat , the capitol , to find out how we could free him . No one could , or would , help us . " " Oh , I feel so stupid ! Look at me . I 'm getting frazzled just talking about it . " She gave a faint smile . " No , it 's fine . Anyway , my mother and I went through the streets and back alleyways with a translator until we found a teenage boy that worked for the kidnappers indirectly . Thank goodness he spoke some English . He pulled us aside and confessed that he knew where my father was . He told us that we couldn 't talk to the terrorists , that they don 't listen to reason . The boy said that we would have to break him out and since we were women and didn 't know the area we would need help . We were about to call the embassy , but the boy said no . He said that we needed outside help . We didn 't know anyone there , so he said that he would help us . He felt bad for us and we for him . Most of the young men there were being forced to join the terrorist army . They paid well for runners , people who knew the area well . So , my mother asked him what we should do to get my father out . " " Well , " She gently pulled her hand away . " Haji , was the boys name , he told us about foreigners who came in from the sea once a week to sell goods . They might be able to help us , because they were strong and looked like soldiers to him . We would have to meet the leader in a tavern the next day . Haji , would bring him there . So , the next day we met them there and I … " " Momma said , ' Anything to get , Montero back . ' " Nadia took a sip of the warm , brown liquid then continued , " The compound , where my father was being held , was on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean just a couple of miles southwest of Rabat . We took jeeps up to a safe point … " " Yes , as did Momma , I told her not to , but she wouldn 't listen , " She chuckled . " I think that 's where I get my stubbornness . Martin was furious and said that it was impossible , but I then reminded him of the money that we were doling out and he grudgingly gave in . Anyway , as I was saying , we took the jeeps up to a safe point and then hiked the rest of the way . Martin 's men were kept on the outside of us for protection . Some of them were ex - cons , but most of them were ex - soldiers and they would go into Rabat to sell weapons and other profitable goods . So , they had all the experience we needed to help my father . We were spread out enough so the lookouts wouldn 't notice an extra rustle or two of bushes . Kenji , our frontman , would take care of the guards as we came up on them … " " No … no … Kenji was the type to just shoot . No questions asked . We were terrified , but knew that it was very necessary . The guards would not think twice about killing any of us , so we did what was required . We finally made it to an underground cellar that lead into the basement of the compound , " Not in the least . Haji was a servant boy and he was often sent to do stand in jobs . Well , when the guards left , Haji , simply took the keys and let him out . Mom and I were so overjoyed to see him we couldn 't stop hugging him and saying I love you over and over . We all took off , back towards the tunnels and then to the jeeps . Mom wouldn 't let my father go , not for an instant . It was strange watching my parents run through the woods . Mama dressed in camouflage fatigues and Father in his torn up business suit . It was very traumatic . On our way through the woods a soldier came back from his rounds sooner than we expected and we were spotted . They fired on us and took chase . Haji was shot in the process . " " Miraculously , no . Martin picked the boy up and carried him , running full speed back to the jeeps . Martin , Haji and I were in the first jeep . I wanted to ride with Mama and Father , but Martin said that they were too far behind and would have to ride in one of the other jeeps . As I looked back I saw more soldiers emerging from the woods and then I saw an explosion . Someone had thrown a grenade and had taken out one of the jeeps . " " Yes . I screamed , cried out for them . I almost jumped out of the jeep I was in , but Martin held my wrists down as the jeep came to a halt . He screamed at me to be quiet . He told me that we were safe and that was all that mattered at that point . We couldn 't do anything to save them , but Haji was in the back seat and we had to save him . I was so hysterical that he had to slap me , then he just held me close and let me cry . I calmed down after a while and tended to Haji , putting pressure on his back wound as his men drove us to the closest hospital . I figured that I had to be brave for this boy , he was so scared . Martin said that that impressed him the most about me . " " Yes , I was devastated . My parents used to explain to me that we would be in strange countries off and on and things were might get scary from time to time . Some situations would be hard to deal with , but they never mentioned anything like kidnapping . Now … where was I ? Oh , yes , we had dropped Haji at the hospital . I hated leaving him there , but we had to get to the ship and leave as soon as possible . The gorillas could have been following us , so we had to be quick . " " We thought so too . " She smiled , " The grenade hit a tree close to the jeep and it crashed into some bushes . Kenji told my parents to jump just in time . When they met us back at the boat hey were a little bruised and banged up , but other than that they were fine . " " So , that means Martin got his fee after all . " Jorma sat up and waited for her response . Nadia smiled with a far - off look , then shook her head slowly . " Yes , yes I did . I knew I trusted him the moment he put his arms around me . He thought of me rather than his own safety . I knew I had to be with him for the rest of my life . " " Oh , Yes . I almost forgot what with your exciting tales of Rabat . " He stood and walked over to the desk and pulled some papers out of the drawer . " Nadia , that 's not the only one . There are a few more and I 'd like permission to paint more . " He sat back down . " Say , yes . " " It says here that he would be able to paint you in the nude . No , no , there is no damn way . I won 't have it . " " The food is fine , Angelo . It 's my woman here who is twisted ! Some guy wants to see her naked ! " Martin ground his teeth in anger . " No ! " Nadia whispered , " That won 't be necessary , Poppy . He 's just an artist . I 'm sure anything he does will be done with the utmost taste . " " All right , but just you remember , cara . You are like my own . If you both need my family … . " He shook a stout finger at them . |
Nadia Carridge was deeply in love , but could not live happily ever after . Her lifestyle was one of danger and intrigue , too dangerous to leave and too addictive to want to leave . She entered the life of mystery because of one man , Martin Anders . Martin , loved Nadia with a ferocity that no one else could match , but a dark dangerous secret from her childhood has followed her and threatens to ruin her life and the lives of everyone that she loves . Joined by a group of intelligent misfits , Nadia and Martin are determined to protect everyone , even you . A strong breeze came through the picture window , nearly unbalancing the young woman who was poised on its ledge . Her wavy mocha colored hair swirled around her bronze face as she gently unperched herself and entered the room . She straightened the cable that was harnessed to her sleek , , black cat suited frame , so as not to get it tangled with her small backpack . She eased around the desk , avoiding the button of the silent alarm she had been briefed about . She had to get on the other side of the room without tripping any of the installed alarms and now she was doubting her stealth . She crouched down beside the desk and whispered to the others that where waiting on the other end of her earpiece . " Stay right there . Don 't move . It won 't be much longer and I 'll have the alarms disabled . But , you will still have to worry about the safe . " She waited , looking around the curator 's office . The office was large with two doors on opposite sides of the room leading to other parts of the museum . The only pieces of furniture occupying the space were the desk and chair she was crouching by and another chair in front of the desk . The walls were lined with paintings and overloaded bookshelves , plants and small sculptures lined the tops . " All right , " The voice spoke up . " I 'm about to bypass the alarms by rerouting their signal to another museum that uses the same security set up . Remain still and tell me what , if anything , happens . " Walking to the center of the room , she stopped and pulled a small device , the size of a deck of playing card , out of a zippered pouch on her belt . She pushed a button to turn it on and pointed it to her left back towards the direction of the window in which she had entered . She lead the device around the room while reading the digital numbers that kept changing on the tiny screen . She stopped when she reached an area near the end of the room , along the wall to the right of her . She slipped the device back into the zippered pouch and walked over to the bookcase on the far right wall . She ran her hands along the assortment of books and started tapping in various places . When she heard a hollow sound , she used both hands to pull a section of books apart . She pulled out a hollow box , disguised like a set of Shakespeare 's works , to expose a wall safe . Setting the box on the ground , she pulled another device from her front pocket . She clamped it onto the dial of the safe and turned in on . The number counter started searching and beeped as it found each number of the encoded combination . Exchanging the small decoder for a diamond tester she kept in another pouch , she removed a bag , opened it and took out a few gleaming diamonds from within . She held up the tester and waited . The colorful light scale on the side started to light up . The neon green light ran up until it hit the yellow lights and they finally reached red . A long beep rang out . Satisfied , she returned the diamonds to the satchel and repeated the process with the remaining three satchels , then set them aside on the floor . When she was done she removed her backpack and took out four identical black pouches . She put three of the identical pouches into the safe and opened the last one , taking out a diamond simulant . She tested it with the diamond tester and was pleased when the tester read it as a diamond . Setting the last simulant bag down on the shelf , she placed the pouches containing the real diamonds and the tester inside the backpack and slipped it back on , securing it to her harness . " What am I doing here ? " The man in the doorway asked . " That 's a good question , one that I should be asking you . Here 's another question for you . What are you doing holding my diamonds ? " She didn 't have time to shut the safe or to put its disguise back over it . She looked down to the floor and noticed the heavy , hollowed out box sitting there . She shifted her weight trying to look nervous , while putting her foot into the box . When the man had almost reached her , she kicked her foot up and flung the heavy box at him . He managed to block his face , but his arm caught the full weight of the box . Still holding the bag of simulants , she raced back to the picture window and perched up on the ledge . She turned and saw that he was almost to the window . Smiling , she held the bag out of the window . CHAPTER ONE Nadia Carridge stepped off the plane and onto the boarding ramp at The Queenston , Florida National Airport . The other passengers filed past her , some businessmen with leather briefcases running to meet their next planes . She stood to the side for a while until everyone had passed . She wasn 't sure who would meet her at the end of that ramp . She wasn 't sure anyone had gotten the text message she had sent by mobile phone . It had been sent to three of her closest associates , stating : Saturday , I will meet the president … . Just me and Congressman Sutton at the Hotel Garden Gate for now … . The three from Florida left Thursday … . . Sutton is number four on the committee 's afternoon roster … . They changed codes every now and then , just to be safe . " Well , here goes . " She whispered to herself . Nadia gathered up her carry on case and handbag and headed down the ramp . As she neared the ramps end she could see the other passengers with their families . When she was at the end , she didn 't see anyone she knew , so she headed toward the baggage claim . She stood in the claim area searching for her bags . Still keeping an eye out for her ride . She took a chance and walked to the edge of the baggage area , near the exits leading to the cab stand . All of a sudden everyone in the terminal heard the same thing , the same voice , that same yell . " Ye haw ! How you little filly ? " A strong Texan accent blurted out from behind her and before she could protest , strong arms grasped her around the waist and swung her around in a circle . " Put me down ! Who are you ? Let me go this instant ! " She shrieked . The arms let her go and she spun around to see a broad shouldered cowboy . He was dressed in an awful red ho - down shirt , blue jeans , huge snakeskin boots . and he topped it all off with an oversized cowboy hat . The cowboy scratched at his scruffy beard and mustache then replied in a loud obnoxious voice . " What 's the matter little lady ? Don 't you recognize me ? " He drawled . " No , I do not . You must have me confused with someone else ! " They noticed that everyone in the terminal was looking at them . " Just come with me little darlin ' . " The cowboy pushed her along through the airport terminal . This was it . She thought . Devahn has caught up to me sooner than I expected . He has sent this Howdy Doody reject to off me . I 'll end up in some swamp dead with my feet and hands tied together with some sort of lasso . I could scream , but that would call more attention than we had had before and I don 't want any attention focused on me or my carry on case . " What are you doing ? Where are you taking me ? ! " She whispered quite audibly . " Just smile , I 'm not here to hurt you ! " He whispered sharply in her ear . " WShe placed the doll back in her case . " Yes , we got into a fight and nearly killed each other . He accused me of sending you to tamper with those diamonds . It 's going to get worse you know . " He leaned over and produced a small hand gun from under the seat and handed it to her . " Here , take this . " " Just to be careful , right ? " She took the hand gun , checked the safety and put it in her purse . " You got it . " He said . " So , he doesn 't know that I 'm alive ? . " Nadia raised a brow in question . " We weren 't sure who knew you were still with the living , so we disguised ourselves just in case . " Brianne yelled over her shoulder . " All right , come on Brianne , we can catch up on things while he does that . " Nadia took Brianne 's arm and lead them into the house . It was just as she had remembered , magnificent as always . Marbled floors and staircases surrounded the foyer . Each of the six bedrooms throughout the house were beautifully decorated with a classic flair . Nadia and Brianne went upstairs to her room . " So , how were the islands ? " Brianne asked . Nadia laid across the bed . " Great as usual . " She answered . Nadia couldn 't stop thinking about Brianne 's role in picking her up . Martin could have come alone . She had sent three messages , one to each of her friends ; Martin , Brianne , and another , Ebony Kane . She thought they would all get together and decide which one would pick her up , they always worked it out that way . " So Brianne , what is going on in your life ? " " Not much . I 've been working on some fashion exporting scandal to catch some heroin dealers that have been supplying the younger models . Gary Stevens has hired me for a couple of photo shoots . " Brianne posed comically . Nadia smiled briefly and gave her a steady stare . " Well , you weren 't too busy to help Martin come and get me , were you ? " Nadia watched Brianne and waited for her to give her an explanation . Brianne and Nadia had been friends for years . As a girl , Brianne was brought up in the hardest of families . Her father was one of the heads of naval security and a raging drunk , her mother was the base tramp that serviced most of the young G . I . 's . Both parents paying attention to their children only at public events . Brianne , her brother , Aaron , and her sister Lilia were usually caught in the middle of severe fights . Nadia tended to overlook some of Brianne 's little stunts , but she let her have an earful when she knew her friend needed it . If you weren 't lucky enough to be her friend , Brianne could be as sweet as sugar to your face and then turn around and stab you in the back with out batting an eyelash . " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Brianne asked coyly . " I 'll just put it this way , Brianne . I don 't want you distracted on the job , by men or anything else . Now , you know how we usually work the airport scene . That goes for all of us . Whoever gets the messages should all meet somewhere and decide who should pick up said person . Brianne , you could have put our operation in serious jeopardy and you know Martin is soft when it comes to a pleading women . " " Guilty , I did beg Martin to let me come to the airport , but if you think I had any ulterior motives , you can ease your mind . I 'm sorry about the limo thing , but the regular driver wasn 't available . I wasn 't thinking and I guess I just wanted to see you too . " " You knew exactly what you were doing . You wanted Martin to be impressed with you and you wanted to show him that you could handle more responsibility . " " Maybe I did want that a little . " Brianne sighed . " You are my friend and I love you very much , Brianne . God knows why sometimes , but so help me if you don 't start sticking to some of the rules you are going to make serious mistakes and you 'll end up paying dearly because of it . You got me ? " Nadia raised an eyebrow . " Sure , I completely understand . " Brianne nodded . " And that goes for Martin too . " Nadia shook her finger at the bright - eyed red head . " Would you excuse us , Brianne ? " He sauntered into the room and placed the rest of the bags by the bed . " Sure , I 'll be in the kitchen if you need me . " She turned and walked out of the room . She sighed and a barely audible , ' Rules ' , was muttered from Brianne . Brianne waved a comical arm as she disappeared around a corner . Martin took Nadia in his arms . The aroma of her perfume mixed with the salty air of the coast gave off a most alluring scent . He had forgotten what this was like just to hold her close to him , to savor the fact that she was safe once again . But , for how long ? He wondered . He had brought her into this ' business ' because he loved her too much to let her go . He always thought that they would marry someday , but it had never been the right time for them . Thinking back on his days as a child back in Havana , Cuba , he remembered how strong a marriage his father and mother had had and he didn 't want any less for him or for Nadia . Martin and his parents came to America by boat when he was nine years old . His mother wanted him to be an American citizen . If it hadn 't been for his Uncle Paolo , his family would have died in the streets of Havana , gunned down like animals . Martin remembered when his father was jobless and their family was close to starving , the Cuban gorillas offered him a job as a collector , but he refused and the militia took control of his house and threw the family out on the streets . ' No Police ! ' , his father had said . The militia controlled most of the force and they would surely be killed if they spoke out . They were lucky that they were thrown out on the street instead of shot in their beds . Martin had a Cuban accent , but could charm up others whenever he needed . Most people could not guess his nationality and he loved that . He could pass for Italian , Colombian , Hawaiian , and even some European nationalities if he threw the right accent and language the persons way . Her arms tightened around his neck , " You 're glad to see me ? " She teased . " Well , let me show you . " Martin lifted her off the ground a bit and kissed her softly on the lips . " Martin , " She sighed , pulling back from him . " I 've missed you . " Nadia rubbed his massive arms and gave him a light slap on his bicep . " Now , that is just not possible , my love . " She smiled up at him . " Instead of Brianne cooking , how does dinner at Fagio 's sound ? " He asked . " Sounds wonderful . Give me a while to shower and change . " " I wish I could join you . " He grinned . She giggled . Just as he was about to lean down and kiss her again a voice came from the doorway . " Oh , uh , sorry . " Brianne cleared her throat . " Martin , something just came over your fax for you , it looks important . " " Damn it all ! " He yelled , " It had better be ! " Nadia sighed and collapsed in defeat on the plush bed . " Sorry , if I interrupted , Nadia . " " It 's okay , Brianne . I apologize for being a bitch a minute ago . I 've just been away for so long . " " Hey , what 's a day without a little bitching . " Brianne gave her a quick smile and sauntered down the hallway . " I just hope I can keep it together . " Nadia whispered under her breath . Groggily , she opened her eyes and realized that she had drifted off . Looking at the clock on the bedside table , Nadia found that it was six fifteen . She had been asleep for an hour and felt more energized than she had been earlier . She decided to unpack and then join Martin down in his study . After she showered she opted for a form fitting dress . The fire engine shade of red was perfect , showing off her bronze glow . As she was pulling back her wavy tresses , Martin came to the doorway in a rush . He gave her a quick once over and smiled with approval . " Why did you let me sleep ? " She teased . " You needed it . " " How do I look ? " She asked . " Marvelous as always . Honey , look , that fax I received earlier was from one of our informants stating that Devahn DeMarco is going to be in disguise tonight at Senator Sheehan 's estate and seeing that the good senator is a family friend of Brianne 's , we have a perfect in without having to disguise ourselves . How do you feel about that ? " He asked cautiously . " How do I feel about confronting Devahn ? The same man who wants to kill me for getting to those diamonds first ? " She hesitated a moment and then shrugged , " I guess now is as good a time as any to make myself known . " She sighed and shook her head . " I wonder what he is up to ? " " Hopefully , my darling , that is what we are about to find out . " He looked at her with concern . Throwing a sheer red scarf around her neck , Nadia walked out of the house and stepped up to Martin who was waiting for her by the limo . She noticed that Brianne was standing near the front of the car talking to someone , but she couldn 't tell who it was . " Whose driving ? " She asked . Brianne couldn 't be disguised as a driver since she would be attending the party . When Brianne noticed that Nadia was ready , she finished her conversation and went around to the opposite side of the car and got in . " Ian will be driving . He 's a new associate . " Martin motioned towards a tall , handsome man with dark hair and ruddy complexion . He reminded her of a young Gabriel Byrne . Nadia held out her hand . " Nice to meet you . " He said in a thick Irish accent while taking her hand to kiss it . " Likewise . " She smiled Martin opened the door for her and she slipped in next to Brianne . Brianne turned and smiled as she noticed a tall , older gentleman with a broad build . Senator William Sheehan walked towards her and came to stand by her side . His salt and pepper hair gleaming from the chandelier lights . She looked back towards Nadia and Martin . Nadia was in the center of the room talking with night club owner , Santana Sangramano . Martin was heading upstairs to the gallery room . Nadia knew that Santana was up on the latest gossip , but she wasn 't about to let her in on too much . Santana came from one of the biggest crime families in North America . The Sangramano 's were one of the most feared , untouchable , and respected of families in the country and were based all over , from New York to Miami , Dallas , and Las Vegas . Nadia smiled to herself . She really loved that family , but she was already in enough trouble without having to involve them . But , if she needed them , she knew that they would be there . She had seen Brianne head toward the verandah with Sen . Sheehan , but had no idea where Martin was . She hadn 't spotted Devahn DeMarco yet , but she would be ready when she found him . She slid her hand down to her side to make sure her pistol was still in her handbag . It was . Martin walked into the gallery room admiring several paintings by new young artists . One painting astounded him . It was a beach scene , a picture of a young woman dressed in a flowing sundress , the color of a mid - evening blue sky . Her hair was tied up in a scarf the same brilliant color as the dress . She had a hand to the side of her face , as if in disbelief as she looked down at her side . At her feet and all around her were children with flowers and beads , holding them up to her as if they were offerings to a goddess . The woman had a soft smile on her face and did not seem to mind the wind and water spray around her from the ocean , nor the sand between her toes . She just marveled at the native children . Martin turned around to see a young man dressed in black , not much taller than himself . His dark eyes were intense and piercing . His hair was short in the back and long on top . He couldn 't place his face , but Martin could have sworn that he had seen him before . " Well , getting back to the matter at hand . What do you think of her ? " Jorma walked over to straighten the picture . " I painted her . " " Ah , I see . I like it . " Martin nodded . " Anyway , so … uh … Jorma . What made you decide to paint the picture ? The one that looks like my friend . " " I think your painting might be of my companion after all . " Martin moved closer to Jorma and looked him in the eyes . " Who sent you Jorma ? Why are you here ? Is this some sort of a diversion ? " " Sent me ? What are you talking about , Bro ? I came here to drum up new business for my art gallery . I can 't help it if a person I painted resembles a friend of yours . " " Come with me . " He took her arm and led her up to the gallery room . He stopped her in front of the beach picture . " Look . " " This is Jorma Levitson , he painted that picture . " Martin gestured to Jorma then to the picture . " Your picture . Jorma , this is my companion , Nadia . " The artist put a hand to his forehead . " Oh , here we go again . Look sister , no one sent me . I am an artist , I paint things . I happened to be there when I saw you and all those wonderful kids . So , I just painted it . Am … am I on some sort of camera show ? It 's a camera show , right ? " " So do I . " She slipped her arm through his , then turned back to Jorma . " Hey , no … no , you 're not on some show . This is all just some sort of coincidence and misunderstanding . It was nice to meet you , Jorma , and it really is a very nice picture . Thank you . " " What the hell is wrong with you , man ? We ask you a simple question and you shove us off like that ? You didn 't even ask her for her permission . " " Look , I didn 't mean to be rude , but that 's some of my best work . It would take a lot for me to part with it . " He reached into his jacket pocket , pulled out a business card and handed it to Nadia . " I can paint a portrait of you if you want . Just let me know , okay ? She had been recruited by Martin a few years earlier . He had seen her perform at the Stardust in Las Vegas and an idea came to him . When he met her backstage , he found out that she was not just a beautiful performer , but was highly intelligent . She was wise and street smart and could hold conversation with the best of men . Ebony had dropped out of university in order to care for her younger siblings . She had wanted to be scientist or doctor , but as the years accumulated that dream had slipped away along with her youth . The job Martin gave her would let her be both scientist and doctor in a different form . He knew Devahn would fall for her , so he hired her to be a go between . A very dangerous , but well paid position . She jumped at it . Now , she couldn 't get away from the excitement or danger . She loved and hated it . " Let 's split up . I 'll tell Brianne where we 're going , " He gave Nadia 's arm a squeeze and whispered to her . " Be careful … " Then , Martin , turned and walked away . She headed toward the stairs and ascended to the gallery . She stopped briefly in front of her picture and smirked . She remembered that day , walking along the beach in St . Thomas . She had been playing with the children all day . That evening as she was heading toward her hotel , the children had each given her some token of thanks , for being so kind . Jorma must have been there . Even though some of the children in the drawing didn 't looked much like any of the children she had played with that day , her face was perfectly vivid . Clearly recognizable . Martin had told Brianne what was going down . She insisted on helping , but he told her to stay were she was , so she could keep an eye on the charity recipients . One just might be a cleverly disguised Devahn . Knowing that Nadia had headed upstairs , he decided to start with the bottom corridors and work his way up . Nadia peeked into one of the bedrooms and found that it was Senator Sheehan 's . After seeing that there was a flicker of light underneath an adjoining room door , she stepped in quietly and closed the door behind her . She noticed that the flicker of light had stopped when she had shut the door . Pulling the derringer from her evening bag , she readied it and approached the connecting door . As she switched on the light , she noticed that the room was Senator Sheehan 's adjoining upstairs study . Everything looked in place . His desk , a deep mahogany , was arranged very neatly . Even the stacks of newly opened letters were set aside in neat piles . On a corner of the desk a picture sat away from everything else in a regal position . It was a picture of Neil Sheehan , the senator 's playboy son . His pride and joy and his only offspring . Nadia had met Neil briefly , when he and Brianne ran in the same circles . For the first time she had noticed that he was wearing an Air Force uniform . He reached into a pocket of his jacket and produced a switch blade . He held it up to her throat and gently let it glide down to the center of her chest . " You 've already ruined tonight for me . It was perfect , I just go up and accept the charity fund check as Colonel Robert Pernefsky of the United States Air Force . I do so love to help those starving Cambodians , don 't you ? " He smiled as he slid the blade underneath her shoulder strap . Nadia became furious . She wasn 't about to let , Devahn DeMarco , have violent thrills with her . She started fighting like a wildcat , not caring where the blade was . Still clawing at Devahn , she heard a thud , then a clinking noise . She assumed the switch blade fell to the floor . With all the strength she could muster , Nadia dislodged her left leg out from under him and gave a thrust with everything she had , kicking him square in his manhood . She felt the pressure of his body ease away from her . As she looked into his face she saw the anger and pain he was feeling . He rose a little , just enough to where Nadia could push him off of her . She jumped to her feet , reached across the desk and found the sleek , silvery opener . He was right behind her now , trying to pin her against the desk . Devahn yelled and reeled away from the desk . Grasping his hand , he pulled the opener out of his flesh . She ran for the door , but his longer strides caught up with her . He grabbed her by her hair and threw her back down . He was atop of her again with his right arm raised , the blade tightly clenched in his fist . " What am I doing ? I was about to ask you the same question ! " Jorma reached behind him and took hold of Nadia 's hand to make sure she was okay . Devahn lunged towards Jorma with the blade out . Jorma kicked it out of his hand and jabbed him across the face again . Devahn came back with a punch of his own that sent the lanky artist flying into a wall . Devahn wrapped his hands around Jorma 's neck and began to squeeze , to which Jorma Levitson did in turn , taking hold of Devahn DeMarco 's neck . Which sent them into a frenzied tussle for power . " This has to be the ugliest thing that I have ever seen . You call this art ? At least it 's good for something , right ? " She waved the small piece of art at him and then let it drop on top of Devahn 's midsection . " Yeah , I think so . But I have got to work out more . I nearly bought it . " She winced at her aching shoulder . Peeking under the blazer , she noticed that she was bleeding from the small cut . " I 'm okay , really . " " No , no , no , no , Martin . Look at me , calm down . It was Devahn . He caught me off guard and jumped me . He would have killed me if it wasn 't for Jorma here . He saved my life , and fought with him . Devahn was ready to kill him , Martin . " She looked back in Jorma 's direction . Jorma spoke up , " Look , I don 't know what is going on . I just knew that she was in trouble and it wasn 't right . I 'd do the same again . What 's going on ? Did you guys disagree on some kind of business deal ? " " Nadia looked up at Martin and whispered . " He couldn 't know what Devahn is involved in . He saved my life , Martin . That couldn 't be faked . " " Okay , okay , " He looked up at Jorma still somewhat suspicious of him . " I 'll give you the benefit of the doubt . Thank you for your help . " Nadia walked over to the private study . " Yeah , we have to stash him somewhere until he wakes . We can 't leave him here . Senator Sheehan will think the rest of the his guests are in danger . " " Shit , I guess they 'll both turn up in time , " Martin scowled . " Let 's clean this place up and return to the party . We don 't want the senator to find blood all over his study . " It had been a week since the gala and no one had seen any sign of trouble from Devahn , but everyone was on their guard . Martin , said it was time to get back to business as usual . The business of making money and occasionally helping the needy . He was on the phone talking to the police commissioner of Queenston , Roy Houston . It was important to look as clean as possible on paper . Martin would find out who had jumped bail or was wanted by the feds and other agencies , how much he or she was worth . Then if he felt that the reward was worth the risk , they would go on the chase and turn the offender over to the highest bidder . " Yes , Roy . I understand . , " Martin smiled as Nadia and Brianne entered the room . " Sure , give us a week or two , all right ? Thanks . " Martin returned the receiver to its cradle . " Just another job . I 'm not sure if we all will be going this time . We will require a group for this job though . " He said as he stroked her hair . She couldn 't wait to get out of Florida . Ebony and Nadia generally got all of the interesting work . Brianne was still pretty new to the business . He stood up , lit a cigar and continued . " Those who go will have separate rooms , except for Ebony and Ian , who will be there as honeymooners . Nadia will be there as a school teacher from Dallas and I will be the lonely , nerdy business man . " " Hey , I 've got a wig , glasses , and a suit that Steve Martin wouldn 't touch . Believe me , I 'll fit the part . Okay , here 's the main info , this guy has been spotted in Las Vegas , we will be there for two or three days . Our target is named , Manuel Vega . He 's on the Ten Most Wanted List for bank robbery and murdering a family in the witness protection program . The family was very close to a political figure . There is a one million dollar reward for his capture . In the past he was known for gambling in the back rooms , so we have to draw him out without getting too many casino owners involved . I think that we can pull this all together in less than two weeks . " Brianne was a little upset . " I want to go , Martin . I am sick and tired of waiting here while everyone else gets to go to exciting places ! I work just as hard as anybody and I deserve a chance to prove that I can do something other than get my picture taken ! " Nadia tried to rest Brianne 's temper , " This man is quite dangerous , Brianne . Yes , you do work just as hard as the rest of us , but you have a hot head and that could be trouble . We need someone to be here . We need your backup expertise for this job . " " Bri ! " He gave her a fierce look . " Quiet , I decide who , when , and where . Go and do your hair or something . Maybe you can help on the next job . When they were alone , Martin walked over to Nadia , who was still staring out the window . He put his arms around her and gave her a tiny squeeze . For such a harsh businessman , it was hard to believe that Martin could be so sweet and compassionate at certain times . " About everything , " She sighed . " Martin , don 't you get tired of this business ? I … I 'm not sure if like the danger anymore . " " Hey … you know you love the danger . We have the best contacts and head people in our corner . We take the utmost precautions and are armed to the teeth . " " Look , you 've been away for a while . It 's going to take some getting use to , to get back into the swing of things . And besides , you 're still recovering from Devahn 's attack . You and I both know that he will regret that soon enough . " He hugged her close to him . " I promise . " " It 's not just that , Martin . " She walked over to a sculpture of a child sitting on his mothers lap . " I 've been thinking about where I 'm going and what I 'll do when I get old . Who 'll take care of me , if I even get to be old ? " " Ah , so that 's it . Children , family , marriage and the whole works again . I told you , someday we 'll do that . It 's just not the right time for it , that 's all , " Martin took her hand and led her back to the davenport , they sat . " So , tell me , what brought all this on ? " " I guess you 're right , It 's a bit of everything . Devahn 's attack on me , the islands , and being away from you for so long . The children too , I imagine . " Her voice trailed off into a whisper . " It 's that God damned painting , isn 't it ? " His voice filled with disdain for the artist . His first instinct was to not trust , Jorma Levitson , but Nadia seemed to like him . Even though Jorma knew Devahn , Nadia 's instincts were usually on the mark . " I know , I know , " Martin threw up his hands in protest at more comments . " But you need excitement , not a carpool and two point five kids . That just isn 't you and you know it . " " We 'll talk more after the next job . Maybe you 'll feel a little different then . " Martin pushed a wavy strand of hair from her forehead . He was about to say more when Brianne came flouncing into the room . " You 've got a phone call , Nadia . Some guy . I asked who it was , but he just told me that you wanted him to call about the painting ? Does that make any sense to you ? " Brianne raised her brows in question . " I 'm about to take off for a while , if that 's all right ? Your caller is on line four . " She started to put on her coat . " I 've got to have a talk with her . I think she 's starting to like Ian too much . I don 't want my best marksman shooting off target if we get into a bind . " " That 's quite all right . It was worth it . " Jorma 's deep voice answered back . " This is Jorma Levitson . The artist that painted you . " " No buts , just be here at 6 : 30 p . m . sharp , okay ? Look , I 've got to go . Be there . " " So , what 's going on ? That beatnik wouldn 't sell me that picture for anything and now he 's giving it to you ? " Martin sneered . " What ! " Martin exclaimed a little too loudly . " No , absolutely not . We shouldn 't even be trusting this guy and you want to go meet with him ? We have dinner plans anyway . " " Don 't be jealous , sweetie . I 'll be careful . You can even have one of the guys tail me if you want . " She gave him another soft lingering kiss . The Art Look was in Queenston 's theater district . A maze of antique shops , theaters , outdoor cafe 's , and galleries . Many local artists wanted their work displayed there . It was an old converted warehouse with a second story . The décor was all hardwood floors and cornflower blue beams and columns , with florescent tubes and bulbs attached to various beams along the ceiling , columns and walls . It was inviting and surreal at the same time . No , Jorma isn 't the devious type . It couldn 't be a trap . He did , however , know Devahn and she could never let herself forget that . More relaxed now , she pulled off her long sheer overcoat and tossed it onto a nearby chair . She checked herself in a mirror near the bathroom entrances . With her hair pulled back in a loose bun at the nape of her neck she looked a little older than her twenty - nine years . Her long black dress accentuating " Sorry to keep you waiting , Ms . Carridge . I had to make a phone call , " Jorma Levitson appeared in a doorway on the opposite side of the gallery . " Please , join me , if you would . There 's coffee in the back if you 'd like . " " I 'll pass on the coffee , thank you , and please call me Nadia . " She looked him over closely . God , she thought , he 's gorgeous . Jorma carried himself in a similar way as Martin . There was a cunning , assuredness illuminated from his eyes , his walk was like an easy glide , not a sign of awkwardness any where in sight . His form of dress , a white tee shirt and belted black slacks , showed he could have fun one moment and be serious the next . " Oh , no … I , uh , I don 't own this place . I have a very generous benefactor . " He motioned for her to have a seat on the couch . " Please . " " Just simple errands , that 's all , " He quickly changed the subject . " So , what do you do , besides tangle with dangerous businessmen at charity events ? And don 't tell me it was all a big misunderstanding . The way you and DeMarco were fighting was so unreal . I 've never seen him like that . What 's this all about ? " " Misunderstanding , " She shook her head . " I wish it were that simple . No , it wasn 't a misunderstanding . Your friend and I have been at each others throats for years now . That 's why I 'm so surprised that we don 't know each other , Jorma . I thought I knew everything about Devahn and his business . " " Well , you should know that big business and big money are hard to give up . The competition can get dangerous , but the adrenaline rush is so great that you just can 't give it up . It becomes a way of life . " " It 's not really a secret anyway . So , I 'll trust you for now . " Nadia folded her arms and tried to distract herself from his wandering eyes . " I had just turned twenty one and graduated from college . My parents were foreign dignitaries , so we traveled a lot . Anyway , my mother and I were traveling around to the private schools where I had interviews for teaching jobs . Well , in the middle of our trip a message came that said my father had been taken hostage on a business trip to Morocco . " She turned away . " Oh , it was , and it got worse . My mother and I flew over to Rabat , the capitol , to find out how we could free him . No one could , or would , help us . " " Oh , I feel so stupid ! Look at me . I 'm getting frazzled just talking about it . " She gave a faint smile . " No , it 's fine . Anyway , my mother and I went through the streets and back alleyways with a translator until we found a teenage boy that worked for the kidnappers indirectly . Thank goodness he spoke some English . He pulled us aside and confessed that he knew where my father was . He told us that we couldn 't talk to the terrorists , that they don 't listen to reason . The boy said that we would have to break him out and since we were women and didn 't know the area we would need help . We were about to call the embassy , but the boy said no . He said that we needed outside help . We didn 't know anyone there , so he said that he would help us . He felt bad for us and we for him . Most of the young men there were being forced to join the terrorist army . They paid well for runners , people who knew the area well . So , my mother asked him what we should do to get my father out . " " Well , " She gently pulled her hand away . " Haji , was the boys name , he told us about foreigners who came in from the sea once a week to sell goods . They might be able to help us , because they were strong and looked like soldiers to him . We would have to meet the leader in a tavern the next day . Haji , would bring him there . So , the next day we met them there and I … " " Momma said , ' Anything to get , Montero back . ' " Nadia took a sip of the warm , brown liquid then continued , " The compound , where my father was being held , was on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean just a couple of miles southwest of Rabat . We took jeeps up to a safe point … " " Yes , as did Momma , I told her not to , but she wouldn 't listen , " She chuckled . " I think that 's where I get my stubbornness . Martin was furious and said that it was impossible , but I then reminded him of the money that we were doling out and he grudgingly gave in . Anyway , as I was saying , we took the jeeps up to a safe point and then hiked the rest of the way . Martin 's men were kept on the outside of us for protection . Some of them were ex - cons , but most of them were ex - soldiers and they would go into Rabat to sell weapons and other profitable goods . So , they had all the experience we needed to help my father . We were spread out enough so the lookouts wouldn 't notice an extra rustle or two of bushes . Kenji , our frontman , would take care of the guards as we came up on them … " " No … no … Kenji was the type to just shoot . No questions asked . We were terrified , but knew that it was very necessary . The guards would not think twice about killing any of us , so we did what was required . We finally made it to an underground cellar that lead into the basement of the compound , " Not in the least . Haji was a servant boy and he was often sent to do stand in jobs . Well , when the guards left , Haji , simply took the keys and let him out . Mom and I were so overjoyed to see him we couldn 't stop hugging him and saying I love you over and over . We all took off , back towards the tunnels and then to the jeeps . Mom wouldn 't let my father go , not for an instant . It was strange watching my parents run through the woods . Mama dressed in camouflage fatigues and Father in his torn up business suit . It was very traumatic . On our way through the woods a soldier came back from his rounds sooner than we expected and we were spotted . They fired on us and took chase . Haji was shot in the process . " " Miraculously , no . Martin picked the boy up and carried him , running full speed back to the jeeps . Martin , Haji and I were in the first jeep . I wanted to ride with Mama and Father , but Martin said that they were too far behind and would have to ride in one of the other jeeps . As I looked back I saw more soldiers emerging from the woods and then I saw an explosion . Someone had thrown a grenade and had taken out one of the jeeps . " " Yes . I screamed , cried out for them . I almost jumped out of the jeep I was in , but Martin held my wrists down as the jeep came to a halt . He screamed at me to be quiet . He told me that we were safe and that was all that mattered at that point . We couldn 't do anything to save them , but Haji was in the back seat and we had to save him . I was so hysterical that he had to slap me , then he just held me close and let me cry . I calmed down after a while and tended to Haji , putting pressure on his back wound as his men drove us to the closest hospital . I figured that I had to be brave for this boy , he was so scared . Martin said that that impressed him the most about me . " " Yes , I was devastated . My parents used to explain to me that we would be in strange countries off and on and things were might get scary from time to time . Some situations would be hard to deal with , but they never mentioned anything like kidnapping . Now … where was I ? Oh , yes , we had dropped Haji at the hospital . I hated leaving him there , but we had to get to the ship and leave as soon as possible . The gorillas could have been following us , so we had to be quick . " " We thought so too . " She smiled , " The grenade hit a tree close to the jeep and it crashed into some bushes . Kenji told my parents to jump just in time . When they met us back at the boat hey were a little bruised and banged up , but other than that they were fine . " " So , that means Martin got his fee after all . " Jorma sat up and waited for her response . Nadia smiled with a far - off look , then shook her head slowly . " Yes , yes I did . I knew I trusted him the moment he put his arms around me . He thought of me rather than his own safety . I knew I had to be with him for the rest of my life . " " Oh , Yes . I almost forgot what with your exciting tales of Rabat . " He stood and walked over to the desk and pulled some papers out of the drawer . " Nadia , that 's not the only one . There are a few more and I 'd like permission to paint more . " He sat back down . " Say , yes . " " It says here that he would be able to paint you in the nude . No , no , there is no damn way . I won 't have it . " " The food is fine , Angelo . It 's my woman here who is twisted ! Some guy wants to see her naked ! " Martin ground his teeth in anger . " No ! " Nadia whispered , " That won 't be necessary , Poppy . He 's just an artist . I 'm sure anything he does will be done with the utmost taste . " " All right , but just you remember , cara . You are like my own . If you both need my family … . " He shook a stout finger at them . |
To my Street Team , this one is for you because you ROCK ! All of you are the most amazing people I have had the pleasure to know . Some of you I haven 't even met face - to - face and I consider you friends . I can 't thank you enough for what you have done for me and my books . Never stop being who you are . The title , as you can see , of this Novella is Fallen Souls . This is the perfect title and this isn 't me bragging on myself , this is bragging on a certain Street Team member , Mr . Andrew Redden . You see , I had a competition with my Street Team and asked them to come up with a title for my Novella and boy did they come up with some great ones ! Yet , I could only choose one and it was Andrew who came up with Fallen Souls . It fit so well with the theme of the Novella that I had no choice , but to pick that title , it spoke to me on so many levels ! He knew what he was doing that , stinker ! Andrew is one of my Street Team members that I have actually met . Our first meeting was at The Geek Gathering in Sheffield , Alabama . His energy and charm captured my heart from the beginning ; we have been friends since then . I love you , Andrew ! I love this series because it puts a new spin on the points of " good versus evil " by the use of these incredible characters and how they conquer the trials at hand . A . G . Porter writes this lovely series that shows just how her characters are the top of the totem pole when it comes to the kickassery powers of faith and hope . She does a wondrous job with injecting Rayna with a faith - based background , which inevitably helps her in the long run . I highly recommend this series for anyone that wants to read a perfect piece such as this series . I 've had many bodies and taken many forms . Some have been more pleasant than others , some more beautiful . There have been women , men , children and youth . Once I had the body of a beloved politician and well , he 's not so beloved anymore . Many years ago , I can 't actually remember when , I occupied the flesh of a king who went on to be known as ruthless monarch and womanizer . Of all these different bodies , despite their differences , they have one fatal flaw . Their flesh is weak . Even those with spirits of lions and hearts of tigers , eventually their bodies start to falter . It isn 't usually noticed on the outside right away . I can feel it from within . First , the body I occupy will yearn for slumber . I will feel fatigued and lack energy . Food and drink lose their flavor and that certain spark of life fades in their human eyes . Only those who are emotionally connected to the body will notice . They 'll believe their loved one just isn 't feeling well and needs a doctor . Soon , other signs appear . It 's this next step I am less fond of ; pain , just white - hot pain . It 's as if the soul is giving escape one last try by ripping through it 's own skin . My every bone ( well theirs if you want to get technical about it ) and muscle aches . It 's more than that really . I can feel it in their veins , down to the tiny molecules that make them who they are . Since I first crawled out of the pit and took possession of a human this has been the way of things . I would wear their bodies like a suit until I could bear to wear it no longer . Some lasted as long as 50 years and others just mere days . It all depended on how bad they wanted me to stay ( I did bring them great joy and fulfill desires of many kinds ) or how desperate they were for me to leave . With Patrick , things started out great . He wasn 't a boy of any faith and he was Gifted . I found out the hard way that the Gifted can sustain me longer than a mere human . There is another side of the coin as well . If they are blessed with a Gift then that also means they can more easily see me out . Meaning , holding on to them is far more difficult . It was a double - edged sword . His body was strong enough to keep me incubated , but his will was superhuman . I first noticed him picking at the seam where we were connected the night I confronted Rayna at the prom . He didn 't want me to hurt her . His screams echoed in my head , distracting me from my goal . That was the only reason I let her go that night . Then again when Vance cornered her at the bank of the creek . I knew that I was capable of controlling her more , but Patrick was fighting with me . When I wanted to move right , he moved left . When I wanted to seize her mind , my powers began to drain . So now , here I was with him in my head , screaming all the time . I 'll manage to cage him up somewhere , tuck him in a corner , but he always finds a way out . The insufferable brat has brought me to my wit 's end and I want nothing more than to be rid of this body and find a new one . That new one just needs a bit more persuasion . Once Rayna knows I will stop at nothing to claim her , if I have to kill every single soul on this planet to do so , she 'll have to give in . She is a heroine , someone who rescues others ; she won 't let me go that far . Her powers and body will fit me just nicely . Then we can be one for all of eternity . I 've only dabbled at taking control of her mind and the dose was too short lived . I need another taste of her innocence , of her purity again . It was driving me mad with desire ! I needed to know what it was like to truly take over her soul . Once we are joined , soul - to - soul , nothing can stop us . We are far too powerful for a mere mortal or even a Gifted to stop us together . We 'll cover this world like a plague , devouring all traces of the Gifted and Children of Light . Nothing will stop us . Of this I have no doubt . I thought of these wondrous things as Vance entered my room . The house Patrick 's uncle occupied was now my home base . Poor Uncle had to take a leave of absence from work due to an aggressive form of cancer . That 's what his counterparts believed anyway . He was actually chained to a pipe in the cellar . If I didn 't need him alive in case anyone came calling , I would have killed him a long time ago . I backed away , nearly hissing with pain . The light burned my tired eyes and I was almost certain it had seared my flesh . This wretched body was failing and fast . " I don 't trust him , " I confessed . " There is something about him that makes me wonder what he could do to foil our plans . I want him eliminated . " " Master , if I may , " Vance turned and picked up the tray . " You must sleep and you must eat . Until the conversion takes place that body must hold up . You 're in too deep to take on another form . " I focused my power on him ; the tray exploded in Vance 's hands causing him to yelp like a cat . He dashed from the room , slamming the door behind him . I hated that little weasel . He was as devoted to me as he would be to the next demon that offered him a soft cushion in hell to sit on . Yet , he was rational and served his purpose . As much as I hated to admit it , he was right . I had to sleep and I had to eat . This body needed it if I was going to make it through this Unification . The joining of my soul and Rayna 's was something that had almost never happened . Yet , it must have been fate that she and I would find ourselves on this path , fate , even though Wayland thought it was his doing . My " brother " could be mistaken for a Gifted , but he was something far different . He was a Fallen ; he had given over his vessel to a winged demon long ago and was very powerful . He made other demons run with fear at the things that he could do . He was blessed with an intuition I had come to depend on , he and I had seen Rayna as the form I had to take to avoid dumping body after body and to see my plans come to fruition . " Of course , yes , " he started . " I was only wondering , considering your failing form , if it might be better if I inserted myself more closely to her … and her family . It would be easy with Wu and I being friends . " " You worry for naught , Brother , " I flinched as another wave of pain caused beads of sweat to break out over my brow . " I am fine . The body is holding out , despite it 's obvious weaknesses . Leave Rayna to me and if I do need your help , I 'll let you know . Now , do as I command and get to the hospital . Be a friend to your Doctor Jackson Cole . I want someone there to be a guide for dear Liam when he awakes . " The phone went dead . He was a fool to think he convinced me of anything other than his treachery . His desire for Rayna was deep and had been since we set our sights on her . He wanted her for his own , as bride or lover . I would let him believe that his plans were obtainable for as long as I needed him . Sighing I headed for the bathroom , starting the hottest shower I could withstand in this feeble excuse of a body . As I let the water burn into the flesh of dear Patrick , I battled with him for control of his mind . He was a fighter and , though strong , eventually I won . I always win . That is what I tried to explain to him , but the human heart , if I 've learned anything in all of these long years , should not be underestimated . One probably wonders what a demon does on a day - to - day basis . Do we scour the earth looking for souls to condemn ? Do we whisper murderous thoughts into the minds of parents , lovers , or children ? What about filling the minds of the lost with unclean desires and wishful thinking ? Perhaps some do and I have been known to torment a soul I deemed amusing enough in the past . Alas , those days as a lowly demon , slithering across the world looking for a weak mind are far behind me . I 've done my time as they say . Now it is time for me to wreak true havoc on this world . These humans are given everything , the world at their fingertips and they waste it away on petty human emotions . They want glamour , money , beauty and power , sure , but they have no idea of their true potential if we only got this pesky soul business out of the way . If they latched on to their basic desires then this world would be much better off . There may be a bit of jealousy in my intentions , I admit . I once had beautiful wings and a voice like water . There was a time that all I desired was light and would do anything for my Father . I was a devoted son ! Then , here come these " likenesses . " These small , puny , fragile maggots that have infested this wonderful place called Earth . How could He place them above me , above us ? We were to protect them and serve them ? Why ? Because He loved them ? Did He not love us ? It was probably better this way . He was a likely candidate , but much too strong for me . Mr . Stone had grown spiritually in a way that Rayna had yet to . Yes , she was washed in the blood , but what she lacked was experience . Unbeknownst to her , Mr . Stone had faced demons before and knew what he was doing . The biggest slap in the face to my Father when I took over this world was to do it by using one of His Gifted . I could think of no better way than to use one of the strongest demon hunters I knew , Ezekiel Stone . But again , he was far too smart for me . Once he realized what we were up to , he had to be eliminated . Wayland said that we needed someone innocent , someone young . The next best thing to Stone was his daughter . She had shown early signs of being a Child of Light and we were not wrong . The power that runs through her veins is even stronger than her father 's . The key is that she has yet to learn how to harness it , much less use it to defeat me . However , I am not stupid . Time is of the essence and I must move quickly if I want to secure her form . There are things that need to be done , people that need to be removed . She must be stripped of all connections of love , friendship , and hope before she is willing to give herself over to me . I must reveal to her that she isn 't as protected as she thinks she is , despite her faith . Before I am done , Rayna Stone will have nothing left . I don 't think it 's Rayna 's " Shadow " that 's been following me . This being is a part of what 's been going on , but it 's not the one that she dreams of . I can 't say how I know this , but there is just something , some voice inside that 's telling me this is just a small battle in a much bigger war . This thing that 's following me around is now haunting my dreams . I wondered if this is what Rayna has been going through . There is no peace in sleep or in being awake . He 's always there , watching , waiting to catch me off guard . It 's like he is sucking all hope and life out of me . That 's what I told Nick . I could hear him moving in the closet as I slept . His long fingernails , though I had never seen his nails or him for that matter , scraped across the door . I pulled the pillow tighter over my ears , trying to block him out . Squeezing my eyes tightly , I prayed that he would leave . The more I prayed the more I could feel him . He was trying his best to hold on before I could rebuke him away . My stomach turned as the smell of rotten eggs filled my nose and tried to seep into my head , clouding my mind . I prayed harder , falling out of the bed and onto my knees . Finally , the smell left and the scratching stopped . Nick came rushing into the room , looking from me to the closet . He helped me up and put me back in the bed . " Don 't worry ? " I balked at his words as he helped me into bed . " I 've never been haunted before so how am I not supposed to worry , Nick ? How can I not worry ? I know what he wants , you know ? He wants me to be like him . He 's told me in my dreams . He said that I have a choice to be with the light or with the dark . He 's promised me things if I give in to him . He said he 'll protect my family and save Logan . " " Don 't listen to him , " Nick pulled the covers up to my chin as if I were a child . " They 're lies , all of it . You don 't want to be like him . You know that . " " I don 't know how much more I can take , " I confessed . " Instead of getting stronger I feel like I 'm falling apart . I just … I don 't know . " " No ! " I grabbed onto his arm . " I can 't take this back to them . Rayna … she has too much to deal with . I need to stay here and get this sorted out before I go back . " " C . J . , " Nick spoke his next words softly , but with conviction . " I know I 'm not the best one to try and explain this to you . I have been mending , inside , for years . It 's hard for me to work with anyone because of my … condition , I know this . My words come and go , but … you need them , your friends , and they need you . It 's time to go back . Sleep , he 's gone for the night . We 'll leave in the morning . " Nick gently pulled my hands from his arms and tucked them under the covers . I stared after him for a long while before I felt content enough to go to sleep . There wasn 't a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with my family and friends . I missed them to the point my heart was broken . Still , taking all my baggage back with me just seemed selfish . What if I couldn 't resist anymore ? What if I did give in and choose the dark ? I didn 't know how strong I was so maybe Nick was right , I guess I needed them ; I just hope they needed me . Watching from the corner of the room I witnessed Mitchell 's parents fall to pieces . Tears like a waterfall fell from his mother 's chin , with no end in sight . His father held on to his wife and I couldn 't help but wonder who was really the stronger one . They both looked frayed ; as if one more strand were pulled they 'd completely unravel . As I moved to the front of the church , Mrs . Owens on my right and Mr . Owens on my left , I felt eyes on my back . When the parents of a killed child could forgive the person responsible for his death , believe me , it was stare - worthy . Forgiveness of that level was shocking , rare , and people took notice . It was also underserving . I knew the risk of putting others in the crosshairs of The Shadow and his followers . It was dangerous even for a Gifted . Mitchell never stood a chance . Vance snapped his neck without hesitation or remorse . Of course , only a select few knew the truth . We knew that Mitchell Owens , a boy with one of the purest souls , wasn 't killed in a tragic car accident . It wasn 't a mishap caused by a stray deer on the road or faulty equipment . It was murder . Yet , we had to lie to protect ourselves . Mitchell 's death would always be a cover up to save the lives of others . If people knew what I could do , what the others could do , our lives would be over , I just knew it . Mitchell , being the person he was , would probably be OK with this . He had tried to protect me that night , placing himself between me and a foe he knew outmatched him . He never thought about himself . Could I say the same ? Was I as selfless as him ? Finally we found a seat in front of the casket . It was closed due to the fact that Mitchell 's neck discoloration from been severely broken couldn 't be masked by the mortician 's make up . He also suffered lacerations to the face from broken glass . The police thought it was from the impact of the car crashing into the creek bed , but really it was from being yanked through the window . In fact , I was still healing from where the glass had cut my skin . My wrist was also in a brace and not because of anything that had physically happened to me . It was my telekinetic power . Apparently the strain of holding Patrick at bay had sprained my wrist . The doctor said if any more pressure had been applied I might have broken it . Using my powers had also given me a concussion and popped a few blood vessels in my eyes . They wrote that off to me nearly drowning in the creek . It was an area of concern , the effects my Gift had on my body , but there were far more pressing matters . For example , Patrick , it was clear now that he was an innocent victim of The Shadow . As much as it freaked me out I had to acknowledge the fact that The Shadow possessed him . I shivered at the thought of what that implied . Could a human do that ? I was capable of many supernatural abilities , but I doubted possession was one of them . Even Nick wasn 't able to do that or at least that was what he had told me when he actually answered my phone calls . Did that only leave one last possibility ? Was The Shadow not human ? Was he a product of something sinister ? Was he something darker than we had even imagined ? A chill crept up my spine and settled in my chest . My heart felt cold and seemed to weigh me down as if it had turned to ice . I wanted to clutch at it , but my hands were being occupied by the Owens . They clung to me as if I were a lifeline straight to their son . I didn 't dare withdraw , afraid that if I did so the last bit of their resolve would float away like a balloon lost in a violent wind . Mr . Owens had always loved me and Mrs . Owens felt I was the last bit of her son that was in this world . I was the last person to see him alive . According to her , that meant we were connected . That meant that I had to survive and do well . She would see to it . It didn 't matter if it took her last breath , she would make sure I had everything I needed . I would carry on Mitchell 's memory after she and her husband were gone . I wanted to tell her right then and there about how brave he was . My lips moved , quivering with energy as they struggled under the power of those words . Closing my mouth , I kept another secret . I figured one day I 'd crack under the pressure . I would absorb one too many secrets and shatter like a dropped plate of china on the floor , turn to dust , and what remained of me would be scattered by a phantom wind . It is said there are seven stages of grief . Of course shock and denial would come first . When you lose someone it 's like a super kick to the gut . It 's unbelievable that something so emotional can cause such vivid , physical pain . It doesn 't seem real . It also doesn 't seem fair . There should be a separation of the two . Either life is going to gut me physically or emotionally , not both , not at the same time . When Dad died , a small part of me believed it to be a terrible nightmare that I just needed to wake up from and the entire world would be right again . The moment I realized that was just wishful thinking it felt as if something reached inside my chest and pulled out a piece of my heart , a piece of my soul . I wouldn 't wish that kind of pain on anyone . Next comes the anger and the bargaining . Saying I was angry was an insult to the rage that boiled inside of me . Was I angry with God that He had taken my father at the prime of his life ? Was I angry that my dad would never see me graduate , get married or meet his grandchildren ? Yes and no . I knew that God had the power to bring my dad back . I was angry that , despite my faith , he was never brought back to me . There were countless times I would lay in the floor of my room and beg God to bring him back . I knew He could do it so why wouldn 't he ? It took me a very long time to realize that my dad was in a far better place . Eventually I accepted he was gone . I just had to go through the depression , reflection , and loneliness first . It took me too long to get through it all . I wasted so much precious time being sad and angry that I missed out on all the times I could have been thankful for the life we shared . The only emotion that I felt right now was anger and hatred . I wanted Vance in that casket . I wanted his cold , hard body to be buried today , not Mitchell 's . Just because Brother David did a good job conveying who Mitchell truly was didn 't mean we could forget who he had the potential to be and that he 'd never get the chance . His mother tried to stand up there , leaning on the lectern for support , but her husband had to help her back down after a few minutes . All she did was sob and anything she managed to say sounded like a foreign language . Mr . Owens didn 't even attempt to say anything . My body tensed as every eye fell on me . It was Mrs . Owens 's wish that I speak today . She said I was Mitchell 's only true friend . This was based on a journal entry he made a few days before his death : " I graduate in only a few days ! This one - horse town will be in my rearview mirror and I won 't look back ! Ha ! Yeah right ! Home is home and there are so many people I 'm going to miss . Being away from the parents will be weird . It 'll be cool to be out on my own , but I 'm sure I 'll get homesick . That isn 't something that Mom will ever know . She 's having a hard time letting go . She 's been dabbing at her eyes for days ! She acts like she 'll never see me again . It sucks that we 're all going our separate ways . Leslie is going to New York . If anyone was destined to be famous it 's her . She 's just too cool for the rest of us , but doesn 't even know it . Sara is going to Auburn . Man , I really like her , but I have a feeling it isn 't mutual . Maybe one day I can convince her that I 'm not a complete nerd … or not . Rayna , who knows where she 'll end up . She 's like a feather in the wind ; light , free and strong . I think I 'll miss her the most . She 's always just gotten me from day one . She didn 't make fun of my Star Wars collection ; we read the same books and like the same bands . I hope wherever she lands , that 's she 's happy . I hope she learns to smile like she used to . She doesn 't know , but that smile can lead others out of darkness . " After reading that page , while visiting her one evening , I was left speechless . I never knew Mitchell saw me like that . We had always been really good friends , but he never told me what I meant to him . It saddened me that I never told him that I cared for him just as much . Mrs . Owens squeezed my hand . I wasn 't sure how long I had been sitting there , lost in that letter , with half of the town of New Hope looking at me . Slowly , I stood up and made my way to the pulpit on shaky legs . Mrs . Owens looked up at me with expectant eyes . Her son was gone . She needed to hear me say something good about her only child . It was up to me to help her heal . No pressure . " For me to say that I take peace from the fact that some day I 'll see Mitchell again would be a lie , " I told them and the crowd shifted in their seat , murmuring in shock . " I miss him and I 'm going to miss him every day . What comforts me is the time I got to spend with him here . That time was blessed and precious ; it was pure . Of course I look forward to seeing him again . We will have eternity to spend together , but not having him here seems so wrong . Mitchell loved with all of his heart . He smiled all the time to the point it was annoyingly cute . He was the kind of person that lifted your spirits just by being near him . Shortly after my dad died Mitchell invited me over this house . Do you remember , Mrs . Owens ? We played board games , ate too many slices of pizza , and obliterated some Coke cans with his BB gun . He … loved . That 's just who he was . The world has lost that and so have we . I 'll never forget the precious time I had with Mitchell . I 'll never forget his loyalty , bravery , and compassion . I 'll never forget how he was always there , how he always stood up for me , how he protected me . He is a true soul and I 'm so thankful to call him my friend . " Mrs . Owens hugged me tightly after I was finished . I looked back at my family , wanting to be near them , to feel their loving arms around me . Yet , I sat beside this weeping woman , this hurting mother who would never again hold her only boy . This was my place for now . I was angry . That was the stage of grief I was stuck in , pure , unbridled rage . If Vance was here at this moment , it would take God himself to stop me from getting revenge . Perhaps having homicidal thoughts in a church was putting one foot over the line . I was straddling the fence between the light and the darkness , teetering on the brink of falling in , but on which side would I land ? Was I a match for Vance ? He used his Gift in a way that I had never seen . Neither Nick nor I could harness our power like that , not exactly like that anyway . Somehow I managed it that night . It was probably enhanced by fear or survival instincts . I had just seen Mitchell murdered and Liam was at my feet in really bad shape . I had no other choice . I conjured that telekinetic energy inside of me to protect us . I threatened the other Gifted from doing further damage . If only I had been quicker , Mitchell might still be here ! Vance had stood there , frightened , but with no remorse for what he had done . No guilt for the young life he had snuffed out . Mitchell had merely been something in his way , something disposable . I don 't believe he even viewed Mitchell as a living thing , not even a human being . He was the source of my anger . Mitchell was dead and he was still breathing . It was so wrong , so disturbing to know he was out there doing God knows what to God knows who . He was enjoying this sun kissed day and Mitchell wasn 't . He was able to wake up and Mitchell couldn 't . It took me a moment to realize I was holding Mrs . Owens ' hand too tightly . The poor thing didn 't ' even complain . Honestly , she was so distraught the pain barely even registered with her . I could feel it , the pain that haunted her , making it 's way into my bloodstream . It felt similar to that sorrow I felt when my dad was taken from us . Similar , but not the same . Losing a child was something worse than death . It was something I never wanted to experience , not even vicariously . I shut away her emotions as quickly as I could . Today had been an onslaught of emotional warfare for me . Everyone 's feelings were heightened , which meant that I had to be on high alert . It had left me drained and off my game . This is why I wasn 't fast enough to shut her out without a tiny bit of her despair seeping into my soul . A hole was ripped into my being as her sorrow hit me squarely in the chest , like being shot with a grenade launcher . My breath was caught in my throat , burning as I struggled to remember where my emotions began and hers ended . With great effort I managed to find my way to the surface before the pain consumed me . I couldn 't let her feelings win . If I did , I 'd breakdown right here . With all that sorrow , all that anguish , I was amazed that she could even lift her head off her pillow this morning . How was she walking around with all that weight ? Soon we made our way to the New Hope Cemetery . It was vast , old , but humble . The Owens , like many families here , had relatives dating back to the pre - civil war era . Mr . and Mrs . Owens had pre - paid for two plots , hoping to keep the financial burden of their deaths to a minimum for their only son . Today , they had to give one of those plots to him . She hated it . It wasn 't fair to bury your child in the grave that was supposed to be yours . It wasn 't fair that she had to bury him at all . It wasn 't fair that on the day she buried him , the day her world was ending , that the sun was shining and the birds were singing . She wondered why the sky couldn 't be as sad as she was . Why couldn 't the sky shed tears for her little boy ? Wasn 't he worth it ? The sky 's only answer was to burn her eyes with it 's radiant light . As we were leaving people came by to comfort her . They would say things like , " I 'm praying for you , " " stay strong , " and " keep your faith . " To me , that 's the most generic thing to say to someone who is grieving . When Dad died all I wanted was for someone to just hold me , don 't say anything ; just hold me . Usually , I 'm more of an introvert and want my personal space , but in that moment that 's all I hoped for . I could sense the same thing from Mrs . Owens . She just wanted to go home and be held by her husband . I watched her take condolences from the attendees and each one felt like a slap to the face . They meant well , but nothing anyone can say helps in a situation like this . I have found that the pain never leaves ; you just learn to manage it . How ? For me , I give it to God . Do I still hurt ? Every darn day . Does it rule my life ? It tries . Do I try to take the pain back ? Yes . Why ? Because I am weak and think it 's easier to let the pain consume me than it is to fight or to trust that God can truly help me . She was worried ; she always worried . It seemed I gave her many reasons to do so . I know she was wondering how her daughter could end up surrounded by so much danger , so much darkness . " Honey , listen to me , " Mom said gently , moving closer . " You 've been through a lot these past few days , more than most people should endure in a lifetime . You 're tired ; you need to rest . I think you should stay home for tonight . " " What ? " I yelled , standing up from the couch . " Mom , I 'm going to be nineteen next week . I can go if I want . Mom , you 're being … " " A mother , " she snapped , glaring up at me . " You 're going to get some proper sleep tonight and that 's final ! Now go to your room until supper is done ! " I threw myself on my bed and pouted . Many terrible thoughts ran through my head as I lay there . For instance , why did Mom insist on treating me like a baby ? I was going to be nineteen next week ! I should be able to do as I pleased , right ? Did she not trust my driving ability anymore ? I mean , I have been in two car " accidents " in less than a year . I wanted to run back out there , yell at her , tell her she was being unreasonable . Instead , my body was telling me that she was right and I was so , so very wrong . I did need rest . My mind slowed down as I drifted off into a heavy sleep . My last thoughts were wondering what she meant by " Just like her father . " Slowly , I tumbled down the rabbit hole and into my dreams . It could have been my mother 's thoughts that brought it on , but I was dreaming about my dad . He was sitting in a chair , fishing from his favorite spot by the lake . When he heard my voice he turned and smiled at me , waving me over . My heart leapt in my chest , filled with joy that he was here . It had been so long since I saw his face . In the back of my mind I knew this was a dream , but I let myself be fooled into believing this was real . Dad stood up as I got closer and wrapped me in his strong arms . I cried into his chest until I couldn 't cry anymore . Finally , I looked up at him and he kissed my forehead . " Who says ? " he laughed , pulling me away from him so he could look at me again . " Just because it 's a dream ? I think you should know by now that your dreams are a bit different than the average Joe . " My mouth was dry and I felt my legs shaking with energy . There was no way this could be real . My dad was dead and this was just a dream . " Why did Mom think that about me ? That I 'm just like you ? " I asked him , suddenly feeling like we didn 't have much time . " Rayna there is so much you don 't know about this Gift and about this world , " his smiled turned into a sorrowful frown . " There have been dark forces fighting against our family for centuries . The Shadow , that 's just one of many names he 's been given over all of these years . He 's much more than the mad man you think he is because he 's not a man at all . Look , he wants you , not just to join him , but to invite him in . He wants to take over your soul because you are one of the strongest Gifted there has been in a while . You and the boy , Brian , are in big trouble . You need to find that boy and you need to protect him … . . protect … . you … . him … . protect you … " Unexpectedly , it was as if a heavy weight had been strapped to my feet and then from out of nowhere I was shoved . Then I was falling , tumbling down faster than seemed possible . My hair whipped wildly all around me and the air stung my flesh . I squinted my eyes together as a vast lake came into view . I knew where I was going . The water surrounded me , enveloping my body with a heavy , inky blackness . Further and further down I went , the weight on my feet pulling me down into the depths . There was coldness and then there was warmth that came with the ever - changing current . Suddenly there was something else ; there were others there . I could see nothing because of the darkness , but I felt hands on my feet then on my legs . Nails dug into my flesh as they grasped my body , hoping to be saved . That was just it , they couldn 't be spared , they were dead . Even though I couldn 't see them I knew it was Cassie and Sierra and the others . It was the ones I didn 't save . The Gift didn 't serve them well ; I didn 't serve them well because I allowed them all to die . I could sense the accusations and blame emitting from their hearts , from their very souls . I failed them . This wasn 't a pity party , this was the truth . The words from their hearts bounced around my mind , ripping holes in my subconscious , reminding me of the horrors they faced . It was like they were asking me why I couldn 't save them if my Gift was so great ? Why were they used as pawns in a game by The Shadow ? Why was I so special ? A plea of forgiveness was drowned by water running down my throat as I tried to speak to them . Gagging , I fought for breath , clutching at my throat , desperate for air . Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this was just another torture device concocted by The Shadow . Those girls weren 't really here , they had moved on . He was just trying to get to me . Just when I thought I couldn 't breathe anymore I was pulled out of the water . Sputtering I looked up at my rescuer . Those green eyes were unmistakable . I would recognize that strong jaw line anywhere . His words were muffled by a horrendous sound , something like a foghorn . It sounded so garish that we both covered our ears , blood pouring through our fingers and running down our arms . Jayce reached for me as something out of the shadows seized his body and yanked him into the nothingness that surrounded us . Jayce was there ; I knew he was really there . Somehow , he was in my dream . I wasn 't sure if he was aware this was real or not , but he was there . It was some aspect of his Gift , something that neither one of us knew he had until a few months ago . When his Gift made itself known , he was thrust into a world he didn 't even know existed and took to it like he 'd been aware of it his entire life . I had not adjusted so well . There was a part of me that just wanted all of this to go away ; to believe it was a nightmare that I would soon wake up from . It was folly to wish for such things knowing they would never come to pass . In truth , I would take this Gift and this life a million times over if I could just protect my family and my friends from it . " Rayna , Rayna , " I heard The Shadow 's voice echo around me . " Why lie to yourself ? If you searched deep down you would know that you enjoy your Gift . I believe there is a certain place in your heart that takes great pleasure in your abilities . You have to admit they are quite remarkable . " I didn 't want to listen to him ; I didn 't want his words seep into my veins . Urging myself to wake up , I prayed for release . Covering my ears and trying to ignore him I prayed with every bit of faith I had . This always set him off so I knew what was coming next . My body was lifted and it felt like he was wringing me out like a wet cloth . I was being twisted and turned and squeezed from all sides . The pain was excruciating , but no matter how much he hurt me I still prayed . My eyes snapped open . The window outside showed the sun was down . Looking at my clock I saw that it was 2 : 00 am . I had slept all day . Mom was right , I was tired and I needed to rest . Even after that intense dream I felt my body could use more sleep . I knew that God was on my side and that He would always be there . However , the small child inside of me wanted my mom . Going into her room I crawled into the bed with her . We both feel asleep within a matter of seconds . No more dreams of The Shadow haunted me for the rest of the morning . For now , he was locked out of my mind . I knew it wouldn 't last forever , he would return and he would be ticked off about what I had done . Well , let him come back ; let him bring his best . I was tired of him and his torturing . When he did come back , I 'd be ready . The air was cold , greeting me as I stepped into the hospital room . Liam lay on his back , eyes closed . His breathing was soft , but shallow as if he were using all his strength to fill his lungs with air and then release it . There was no doubt this was a dream , but something felt very real about it , as if my spirit had left my body and found it 's way to his side . There isn 't much that surprises me in my dreams . Frightens me , yes , but I 've come to expect the unexpected . I am by no means used to it , and I guess I 'll never be . However , what I saw now chilled me to the bone . Liam 's mother sat on one side of his bed , Cynthia and Dr . Cole on the other . The scene would have been somewhat normal except for the fact that Chad stood at the foot of his bed . He just stood there , staring at Liam like someone who had found a precious relic . There was an evil , maniacal grin on his ice blue lips . Why was he here ? Just then , Wayland walks in and right through Chad . He shivers , but doesn 't seem to notice that he just passed through a spirit . Is that really what he did ? Was Chad really here in this room with them ? He had to be a spirit , a ghost . Chad was dead ; I had killed him . Now , here he was , haunting Liam the way he had haunted my dreams . Why ? Liam wasn 't even there when it happened . Suddenly Chad 's head snapped in my direction . His wound , the one I had inflicted upon him that ended his life , glistened with dark red blood . It trickled down the front of his shirt and dripped to the snow - white floor , creating a black puddle at his feet . Then he pointed his finger at me , laughing . It 's never fun to be pointed at and heckled . It 's even less fun when it 's done by the ghost of a dead serial killer . A serial killer who 's dead because you killed him . Needless to say , I was scared out of my mind ! Even though I fought Chad and won , it didn 't mean I wasn 't disturbed by him and the twisted , horrible things he did . The tables could have been easily turned and it could have been me with a mortal wound on my neck . I struggled to wake up , to get away from that horrifying laughter , but the weight of sleep was too heavy . I drifted off somewhere else , some place that wasn 't in my dreams , but belonged to another . For a moment I believed maybe it was Jayce pulling me away from Chad 's tormenting stare , but once the smell of salt water hit my nose I knew it was someone else . Two young boys played in an open field on a bluff . One had sandy brown hair and green eyes . The other was taller , paler , and had eyes that I would recognize anywhere ; eyes bluer than the ocean that lapped against the rocks beneath them . The younger , while having different features , was no doubt Liam 's younger brother . He squealed in delight as Liam caught up to him , tackling him to the ground . They both wrestled around and the young boy got away and ran . They were dressed in thick pants and sweaters because the air was cold , I could see their breath in the air . Dew from the mist clung to their hair and skin , creating a sheen that dampened their flesh . Despite the cold the boys didn 't let that stop them from playing . They ran in circles chasing each other and claiming an old , rotted tree was the only sanctuary when they needed a rest . I watched them for a while , smiling , letting their joy fill me from head to toe . It had been too long since I had felt happiness this pure . Mikey didn 't wait for Liam to pursue him ; he ran off straight away . Liam shouted , laughing , as he took off after him . Mikey turned and stuck his tongue out , not paying attention to where he was going . At the same time , Liam and I realized that his brother was too close to the bluff 's edge . We both shouted at him to stop . Mikey turned , fear settling in on him , but too late . He tried his best to stop , but his momentum pushed him forward . He stumbled , tripping over his feet as he fell over the edge . Liam screamed ; it was a sound that I never wanted to hear again because it ripped open my soul . Liam pushed himself forward , running with all his might to the cliff 's edge ; I ran with him . Both of us looked down at the churning waters . It wasn 't any more than a 20 - foot drop , but the rocks and waves were violent . I felt Liam 's mind making a decision and without a second thought he threw himself down and into the water . My heart sank as he landed , narrowly missing a rock . Without knowing what else to do and thinking I might be able to help I jumped in after him . All the way down I thought I heard his mother screaming . The water hit me like a cement wall , air exploding from my lungs . The waves were like icy knives , stabbing with their cold , serrated edges . They threw me back and forth as I kicked my way to the surface . The air seemed to strangle me as much as the water had as I tried to breathe . It burned down my throat as if the air were on fire . Sputtering , I looked around , searching for Liam and Mikey . I called out , frantically fighting against the unrelenting waves . There in the distance I saw a head bob above the water then go back down . Pushing myself forward I tried swimming toward the child . Watery hands tried pulling me beneath the surf , but I managed to move a bit further with each stroke . A small voice in the back of my mind told me that my efforts were futile , that this had already taken place so nothing I did would save Mikey . A sharp pain in my chest made me release the boy . He fell beneath the water as I saw a pool of blood spread around me . Looking down I noticed a hole in my sternum . Liam , the grown Liam , held my heart in his hands . I shot up in bed , clutching at my chest . Mom came into my room at exactly the same time . Her cheeks were flushed and she smiled at me . My alarm clock went off at exactly 6 : 00 am . I slammed my hand down on the diabolical contraption and pulled the blankets over my face . Surely the person who invented something that sounded like nails on a chalkboard had to be pure evil . As I felt my mind and body relaxing , drifting off to sleep , Cynthia knocked on the door . I groaned . Cynthia looked at me with her soft , blue eyes , smiling . She was already dressed ; hair brushed , make - up on and looked bright - eyed , ready to tackle the day . I envied her . Stretching , yawning , and debating on whether or not I wanted to go back to sleep , I slid out of bed . Sleeping through the night was a rarity as Cynthia pointed out . Sleeping at all was even more so . When I did have nights that I actually slept , it was hard to wake up . It was as if my body was trying to play catch up and I felt like I could sleep for days . Sleeping this heavily with the help of the medication I was on , always made me feel groggy . Sometimes it seemed like I was moving in slow motion , at other times it felt like I was racing past everyone else . Right now , I just felt odd . Something about today felt familiar , déjà vu if you will . The smells , the sounds , it was all so disconcerting because of how memorable it all seemed . This wasn 't something I needed to be concerned with at the moment . I had to make sure I worked hard at this internship if I wanted my dad to stay off my back . " Why not ? Isn 't that what you and Mum did ? " I lost my temper , throwing salt in an open wound , grinding it in . " You ran to America and she just ran away . " " Well , I love you and you know it , " he pulled me into a hug . " Just … just stay one more summer , join the program . If you still want to leave when it 's done then I won 't stop you . " That was one of the worst things about my parents splitting up , watching Dad crumble . He had always been affectionate and emotional . When he loved you , he showed it . At times it was overbearing , like in this situation , but I wouldn 't change him for anything . He and I had always been similar in that regard . I couldn 't waste anymore time otherwise Cynthia would come back in here and give me an earful . Quickly , I dressed and met her downstairs . Dad was already at The Landing . If he wasn 't at the hospital then he was working there . He always made sure he was home for dinner though unless he just couldn 't help it . He never wanted me or Cynthia to feel as though his job was more important . When I found out we were moving to America I was devastated . Australia was all I ever knew . My roots , my life , my everything was there . That was where Mikey was buried . I begged my father to not take me , but it wasn 't like he had much of a choice . My mother didn 't want me . After the funeral she went to her sister 's to stay for a few weeks . She never came back . She sent divorce papers to my father and we never saw her again . For the next few years she would send letters and birthday cards , but that was it . It was always sent from a different address . Dad met Cynthia through mutual friends . She pretty much saved him . Soon after that Dad told me we were moving to America . Trying to be the good son I didn 't put up much of a fight at first . Then when it became a reality , I panicked . It took a great amount of convincing to get me to at least become comfortable with the idea . I was only a kid and leaving the country I was born in , for what ? Because my dad needed a change of scenery ? That 's what it felt like at the time , but honestly , so did I . It wasn 't running away from anything , it was running toward life . He probably saved my life as much as Cynthia saved his . The Landing , it had saved my life countless times . Once we settled into our new home in Huntsville , the nightmares started . I would wake up screaming , calling out Mikey 's name . Dad would hold me until I fell back to sleep . Just when the doctors thought the nightmares were over , I stopped sleeping at all . Over the years I 've learned to live with it . It 's better than what I would see when I feel asleep . Perhaps that 's why I couldn 't sleep . Still , I thought I was going to lose my mind . My doctor recommended a family vacation out on the lake and Dad rented us a cabin in Guntersville . That 's where we all fell in love with this small town . That 's where I was able to look at the water and not feel the pain of losing Mikey all over again . It didn 't cure my insomnia , but it made it bearable . Before I knew it , Dad bought a cabin , became President of The Landing , and now we practically live here . Here is where I met Marti and most of band mates . Marti , I found solace in her at one time . I want to find that in her again , but she continuously pushes me away . I ask her why and all she can say is that I am not the same . It 's funny because I don 't feel like I 've changed . Sometimes I wonder if it 's because she can see the pain in me , the pain that keeps me awake , that eats at my soul . She is light and I am darkness . What I have gone through isn 't something she can understand . The darkness of life hasn 't touched her before . She doesn 't know what loss is and I hope she never has to . I think that 's the part of her I am drawn to , the peaceful part . Something has changed in me though . The nightmares come more frequently now . They hurt , but it 's almost as if I 'm viewing them from someone else 's body because they don 't break me down the way they used to . Still , there is something I can 't quite put my finger on . I can feel something in the air , something toxic . I know it sounds crazy , but I can feel it . There is something inside of me ; something dark and I think she knows it . That 's why she doesn 't want to be around me anymore . Aunt Kathy , Cynthia 's twin sister , and I have a very bizarre relationship . She is twelve years old than I am , but acts like she 's a teenager . When she visits we spend most of our time watching scary movies , going to local rock concerts , and eating way too much junk food . She always sends me cassette tapes ; yes tapes , from local Australian rock bands . Sure enough , I pull out several cassette tapes , smiling . I shove them in my backpack and head out the door . I 'll be listening to them tonight . I think I 'm probably the only teenager to own a Walkman for the sole purpose of listing to Indie Rock Bands on tape . There is just something about the scratches and pops you hear in the music that makes you realize an actual person is playing the instrument rather than a computer . As soon as I enter the Guest House , Mr . Wu corners me about the PA System . Something isn 't working and I 'm the man for the job . I 've always liked Mr . Wu . He welcomed us in with open arms and would take me fishing when Dad had a long day at the hospital . I can 't say that I had ever been fishing before that . It was definitely fun . We kayaked down the river until we found his favorite fishing spot . It was nestled beside an abandoned Mill , which had a sign on it that read " Haunted by the Ghost of Jesse Barnum . " It was the oddest thing . We stayed there all day and caught enough fish to invite people over for a fish fry the next day . I was the first one in , but it didn 't take long for the place to fill up . Interns were piling in , finding a seat or chatting away . Every now and then I 'd look up to see if Marti had entered , but once I realized she hadn 't I 'd get back to work . Someone had managed to cut at least two sets of wires in half somehow . Great . I glanced up again and saw Marti walk in with a few of her friends . I waved at her , but she rolled her eyes and pretended I wasn 't there . This was her way of telling me that she was still mad at me for not wanting to go to the same college she did . From the start she knew I had no desire to go to college ; I had always wanted to just play music . I huffed and turned around , focusing on the PA system . I 'd let her vent to her friends about how terrible her boyfriend was . I was at the point where I wasn 't sure if I wanted to make " us " work anymore . Something about working with my hands always puts me at ease . I can empty my mind of needless things and focus on the task at hand . I can get lost and it takes a lot to break my concentration . That 's why I was surprised that a laugh brought me back to the here and now . It was loud , yes , but it was full of something I hadn 't heard in a while . Turning to see where the source was coming from , my eyes focused on a girl with raven hair and eyes that looked like liquid gold . She suddenly went from laughing to choking . Her friend , a blonde boy I recognized from school , patted her on the back while her face reddened with embarrassment . She coughed a bit more , but dodged other efforts of help . Her honey brown eyes locked with mine and I couldn 't help but smile . It caused a tingle of recognition to race up my spine , creating a warmth that settled on my cheeks . I had seen that face somewhere before . I couldn 't have though because I would have recalled such beauty . I flinched as the thought circled my mind . Despite the problems that Marti and I were having , we were still together . It was wrong of me to think about another girl the way I was thinking about her . I wanted to know her . It took great effort not to stop what I was doing and walk over to her . She didn 't seem to want to break eye contact with me just as much as I didn 't . We shared something in that moment , but I 'm not sure what exactly it was . Her attention was diverted elsewhere and her spell over me was broken . Feeling lightheaded , I turned around and went back to work . There was a light tap on my shoulder , a touch that sent electricity through my body . I spun around so fast I nearly toppled over . She stood in front of me , her dark hair flowing in an unseen breeze . Those golden eyes stared a hole straight through me . My face flushed at the intimate gesture . Who was this girl ? She had to be mentally unstable to walk up to a complete stranger and claim to know them the way she believed she knew me . Still , I was so transfixed by the touch of her skin on mine that I didn 't dare move . A sudden pain shot through my body that had nothing to do with the girl . I was blinded with the pain and without being able to stop myself I fell to the floor . My head hit the wooden stage surface , only intensifying the discomfort . " Only your complete submission , " he said to me . " If you do that , I can make the pain stop . Not just the physical pain , Liam , but the pain that plagues your soul . That pain that has stopped you from being who you truly are . " The pain stopped , the darkness gone . I found myself standing on a very familiar cliff , looking down into a very familiar ocean . The place haunted so many of my nightmares . What was that out in the water ? It couldn 't be ! This happened 12 years ago ! That wasn 't my brother out in those violent waves . Yet , I couldn 't deny it . There he was , struggling to stay above the water , but being dragged back under . Without a moment 's hesitation I jumped in . The cold water seeping quickly in , chilling my bones . I fought against the current , searching for Mikey . I couldn 't see anything underneath that dark ocean . I surfaced , looking for him above the tossing current , hoping against hope that I would be able to save him this time . That is when I saw her . The raven - haired girl who thought she knew me . She was calling out Mikey 's name . I started to swim over to her , so we could search together . " True , he did fall , but it is her fault you can 't forget , " he told me , his voice like razors on my skin . " She makes you feel like you haven 't felt before . She brings out all of the emotions in you that you want to forget . Remember , Liam ? Don 't you remember who she is ? All she has ever done is open old wounds and hurt you . Remember her . " An onslaught of memories crushed into my mind with enough weight to push me under . I managed to stay afloat despite feeling like I just picked up something heavy . I saw her , I remembered her . I recalled mountains of pain that she had put me through . She had loved me then pushed me away . Deep down in the center of my soul I knew she loved me and that I loved her , but there was pain there I didn 't have a name for . I was frightened that even though she loved me it wouldn 't be enough . She would always find a way to hurt me in order to save me . I was tired of her trying to save me . " Here 's the thing , Liam , " he chuckled as if he just told a good joke . " You aren 't protected because you lack faith . I don 't have to ask for your permission . " Those words brought me great dread . Why is it that something I was hoping for could cause me such worry ? Shouldn 't I be happy Liam was awake ? I should . Any normal person would be filled with joy and relief that their loved one was released from a coma . Still , that dream left me with a sense of trepidation . Liam had stood there in front of me , with my heart in his hands . It was Liam only in body . I could sense the Liam I loved wasn 't behind those eyes I knew so well . It was as if something or someone else had taken over . Mom and I were on the elevator in the hospital . She was giddy , happy Liam was alive and well . She was smiling from ear to ear , but as soon as the doors opened and she spotted Mr . Wu , her smile faltered . He looked at her nervously , wondering if he should say anything . " I 'm serious , Mom , " I rubbed the red mark she left . " After all the crap we 've been through this past year we all should 've learned that tomorrow isn 't promised , right ? So , go talk it out and get over it and get married already . " " I wasn 't ! " he protested , looking at me as if I could corroborate his story . " I swear . She was trying to kiss me . Ellie , please . " Mom stormed off , leaving a torn Mr . Wu and me behind . I looked at him apologetically . I knew he was telling the truth ; I sensed it from him the moment he started talking . That night played in my mind as clear as if I had been there myself . The problem was getting my mother to believe him . What did I say to that ? There really wasn 't anything to say at this point . Right now , I had to walk down this hall and face Liam . I never thought I would be unnerved by the thought of it . Still , I had to muster up the courage to see if my anxiety about the reunion held any merit . There was a range of emotions emanating from the room ; I could feel them even before I walked in . It 's not that I didn 't care about the others ' feelings , but there was only one person I was concerned about . It was hard to pinpoint him with all the people present . As soon as I saw him he looked up and smiled at me . It was the brightest of smiles and one I missed seeing for such a long time . Everyone looked over at me , but I wasn 't sure what to do . He was surrounded by his family and I was just his on and off again girlfriend . That didn 't seem to matter to him because he called to me . It wasn 't out of embarrassment . I realized then why it had been so hard to figure out where his emotions where . It was because they were gone . No , that wasn 't it , there was something there , but it wasn 't the same feeling that he 'd always had . He had been troubled , scared , hurt , afraid , but there wasn 't a void in him . There didn 't used to be . Now that smile didn 't reach his eyes . They themselves were void of the mystery that was once Liam . All I saw was nothing and nothing looked back . Liam reached out to me . What was I to do ? Never in my life did I think the thought of touching Liam would sicken me . Without thinking about it , I walked closer to him . Every step felt as though I was walking toward a black hole , the pressure on my body was making it hard to breathe . His fingers clasped my hand and electricity surged through my body . Liam didn 't react , but I could see it in his eyes . He felt it too . My head was spinning and my stomach felt as though it was in a knot . This wasn 't him . This wasn 't him ! It was his body , but where was the sweet soul I had fallen in love with ? He moved over and pulled me on the hospital bed with him , wrapping his arm around my waist . We sat like that for hours , talking and laughing with his family as if the person sitting here was the Liam they knew . I was rigid next to him , unable to relax . I think he knew it and he was enjoying this little charade he was putting on . It was well into the night before the nurses came in to remind us all that visiting hours were over . Liam held on to me so everyone left to give us some privacy . As soon as the room was empty I jumped up from the bed and rounded on him . " No , no , you 're not Liam , " I realized I was shaking . " Where is he ? So help me God if you 've hurt him … " " Ha ! " He busted out laughing as if I just said the funniest thing . " I am Liam . This is me , just a new and improved me . " " The Shadow did have a part in this , you 're right about that , " he walked closer to me . " He opened my eyes while I was in that coma . He showed me I don 't have to live the way I was living before . I am free , Rayna . He took all of that … pain … he took it all away . " " Oh God , " realization settled in like a knife in my side . " He took your … he took Liam 's soul ! Didn 't he ? " He flew into the nightstand and crumbled to the floor . I thought he might charge me ; the look in his eyes was murderous . Yet , he just smiled cradling his elbow . " You don 't know what you 're missing , " he laughed . " The freedom in this is amazing ! I 've never felt more alive , more like myself . " " You 're not Liam ! " I stood over him . " You 're just a shell . I think he 's in there somewhere so what I say next isn 't meant for you . Liam , I know you can hear me and wherever you are I 'm so sorry . I swear , no matter what it takes , I 'm going to find you . I 'll find you and I 'll bring you back home . " |
I had no history in believing in psychics . I had never spoken to a psychic . I had long regarded them as con artists living out lives at the other end of 1 - 900 numbers - preying on people 's gullibility . But there is a thing that we say about desperate times and what they call for . I emailed Cassie first . She wrote back immediately that she was just coming in her door after a motorcycle ride , but that she was already getting a mental picture of my dogs . My relationship with Cassie and her psychic business partner , Rita , evolved over the next several months . We talked on the phone . We emailed . They gave me directions . " Go stand by your front door . Look north . Go that way . Your dogs are that way . " I soaked in a hot bath for hours in a bathroom lit only by candles . I played soft music . I got quiet inside . I called out - through my heart - to the universe . I called to the dogs . I reached out . I visualized . Nothing happened . There was no scratching at the door . My dogs , Hazel and Daisy , remained at large , somewhere out in the woods , in whatever place they had fled to the morning that they had run away . I imagined them out there , merely turned around and lost , trying to find their way home . The morning that they disappeared didn 't seem unusual at the time . They were in the yard while I got ready for work , and did not come when I called them . I went outside , dropped my laptop and purse into the passenger seat of my car , and went to look for them in the field behind our house . I saw them there , poised at the edge of the woods . I shouted , " Stay ! " as Daisy disappeared into the trees . Hazel turned at the sound of my voice , then faced the woods again . Something was out there in the forest . Something compelling . She paused for only a second , as I shouted her name . " Hazel ! Stay ! " One leap , and she was gone . They did this when they felt like it - running off to chase rodents or deer . They always came back when they felt like it . Their disobedience made me furious that morning , and I left for work assuming that I would return home to find them pressed against the back door , tongues hanging . But that 's not what happened . I do not live in the Maine of postcards and scenic calendars . I live in Washington County , which backs itself into the easternmost point of land in the US and shares more in common with the wildest parts of New Brunswick than it does with Portland or Bangor . This is the Maine of scrubby blueberry barrens , monstrous twenty - foot tides that swallow acres of beach then spit them back out again over and over every day , and hard - working , hard - living families in hardscrabble homes tucked into pockets of forest at the ends of dirt roads . Kaimora and I slowly cruised along many of those dirt roads , peering down long driveways , following her urges to look more closely at this house or that . Sandra came along too . Heads leaning towards each other in the front seat , they conferred about what they were feeling . Kaimora spotted a husky tied to a doghouse in a neighbor 's yard . She exclaimed , when she saw it , " Is that your dog ? " As if I would have needed a psychic if my dog was in plain sight . As if it could be that easy . Years later , I saw Sandra at the grocery store and she told me that Kaimora had died unexpectedly . She had been elderly , but healthy , and her death had come as a shock . Sandra had given up the psychic business - she had lost faith in her mentor . I asked how that happened . In the weeks right after my dogs ran away , Rita and Cassie continued to offer advice over the phone . Upon hearing that I had talked to Kaimora , they said , " Stop trying so hard . You 're looking in too many places . " Finally Rita told me that I was scattering my energies too widely . " Your dogs aren 't coming back because you 're not focused . " When the dogs had been missing for two months , my mom found one more psychic three hours downstate . She lived above a drugstore in downtown Skowhegan in an apartment decorated with scarves and psychedelic posters . She had long black hair , and wore her nails as long as her dangly earrings . We sat around a small kitchen table and watched her randomly draw lines and circles on a map of Maine . The map was flat on the table in front of all three of us . We held down its corners as it tried to fold and curl back up . In an apparent trance , she circled letters on the map and drew lines between the circles . She became convinced that my dogs were either in Blue Hill or Columbia Falls : both towns were hours from my home . She was the only psychic who ever asked to be paid . My mom gave her $ 100 , and I dutifully hung posters in convenience stores and banks in both towns and went door - to - door handing out flyers . I waited for weeks , but this process yielded no dogs . I wasn 't used to problems that were bigger than any solutions I had at hand . Daunted , but certain that I could find them if I just looked a little harder , I kept going . I didn 't know it , but as I was running around , talking to psychics and looking for my dogs , there were hard lessons ahead . My boyfriend , John , ( who ultimately became my husband back in the days before he was my ex - husband ) and I searched in all the conventional ways as well . We hung posters . We walked trails . We drove miles beyond measure down back roads , main roads , and winding , dirt logging roads . We developed a method of covering the miles . We would drive to a road that hadn 't been searched yet , and he would get out of the car and start walking down the shoulder , calling for the dogs . Whistling , clapping , calling their names . I would drive on farther , then pull over , leave the keys in the ignition , and start walking in the same direction , whistling , clapping , and calling their names . When he reached the spot where the car was parked , he would get in it , drive past me , pull over and park , and resume his walking and calling . We leapfrogged down countless miles using this method . One afternoon , I walked along the gravel shoulder of County Ridge Road . It was July - humid , and one unceasing horsefly dumbly buzzed my head . I called for my dogs - shouted their names into the empty woods and whistled . My voice , my sharp whistling , didn 't seem to penetrate the forest at all . It seemed to hang up on thick barricade of Maine pine , all branches and needles . The trees were scraggly . White moss hung like untrimmed facial hair from dead branches . Those acres of wild were not about to cough up what I was missing no matter how much I clapped and whistled . It was as if I was using a silent dog whistle - a Galton 's whistle - and nobody was there who could hear it . The beseeching behind the sound was beyond human hearing too , beyond my own ears . The sun was noon - high . Both sides of the road were walled - in by ancient pine growth , but the trees cast no shadows . I adjusted my hat , trying to maximize shade falling from underneath the brim , trying to get it to fall across my face . John 's car rode slowly past with the windows down . Our eyes met , but we didn 't say anything . I called some more for the dogs and kept whistling . A few hundred yards ahead , he pulled his car over , shut the engine off , and got out . He walked on the shoulder - headed the same direction I was walking - and I heard him calling . Heard him whistling and clapping . His sounds rolled out through the woods , then came back in echoes . I worried that no dogs could hear us , that this was a whistle that only we could hear . This is the summer that turned into the year that turned into the two years that I spent looking for my dogs . This is also the summer that I got married and that turned into the year I conceived and lost my first baby in a miscarriage . This is the summer that , by all reasonable measures , I lost my mind , along with my dogs and my baby . I stayed crazy for years . The crazy , high - pitched and all - consuming at first , became something that rose and fell in cycles . I grew up believing that I could solve any problem if I was willing to sit on hold and ask for the manager 's supervisor . Someone always had the authority to fix it . I knew that nonrefundable airline tickets were refundable if you said the right thing to the right person . I knew that laws could be rewritten if they were unjust . I knew that , to change anything , you merely had to show up , and if you showed up fully enough , you could fix it . You just had to ask the right person or apply force to the right place . That 's why I had spent weeks sleeping in the living room so I could hear the dogs if they came to the door . I printed posters and hung them , not just in our town , but throughout the county . I found an online list of statewide animal shelters , and sent them all an email with pictures of the dogs attached . I called everyone I could think of : game wardens , animal control officers , veterinarians . Nobody had the answer . Nobody had my dogs . Nobody heard my whistle . Five weeks after the dogs disappeared , John and I got married in a ceremony on the deck of our house . Our guests were invited , not just to a wedding , but to a deck - building party that happened to include a wedding . John and my father had somehow found time in those five weeks to pour footings for the deck and to construct the frame . Led by John 's father , our wedding guests pounded steel nails through blond cedar planking to make the deck 's surface and built a railing and stairs . When it was completed , we brought out pots of flowering plants and hung them from the railing and John 's nieces scattered dried rose petals across the floor . John wore a tuxedo he borrowed from a friend , and I wore a straight white dress I found on Ebay for $ 10 . We both wore Birkenstocks . He had trimmed his beard neatly , and looked like the man I was supposed to marry : glasses , artsy , liberal , and smiling . I had ordered a crown of sea lavender from the florist , and I wore it perched on top of my head . The crown was larger and spinier than I had intended , and it made me feel a little bit like a mermaid , but I wore it anyway . That day , I did not think about the dogs . For that one day , amidst the sounds of the hammering and John 's mother and her friends keeping the coffee going and my mother bringing out trays and crock pots of food for lunch and all of our friends and their guitars , I was able to forget that my dogs were missing . I relaxed into the warm din and married the man I would divorce just a few years later . It was only two months later that I was pregnant . This was by design . I was thirty - three , and I feared that my childbearing years were almost over . I bought a book about how to get pregnant by creating charts and logging daily body temperatures and monitoring the viscosity of my vaginal fluids . I did these things , and was able to identify the exact moment of maximum fertility . I took on this process with complete confidence that if I followed the instructions I would prevail over the vagaries of mere chance . It wasn 't romantic , but it worked and we conceived a child that summer . Once pregnant , I followed the books to the letter . I gave up alcohol and caffeine . I drank glass after glass after glass of water . I got lots of sleep and ate foods full of fiber and low in sugar . During the eleventh week of my pregnancy I went for a routine visit to the midwife and she used a handheld wireless device to try to detect the baby 's heartbeat . As ultrasounds go , this was on the low end of the technology scale , so when she couldn 't find a heartbeat , she said , " It 's nothing to worry about . This thing isn 't very reliable . " She tried once more , moving the rounded wand across my skin . It left a trail in the gob of lubricant she had smeared on moments earlier . The device did not detect a heartbeat , but it did , for just a moment , pick up the local radio station . We heard a snippet about rain coming . The midwife snapped the device off . I nodded , pulling my shirt back down and sitting up . I wanted to say something out loud , to clarify that the word " nervous " didn 't come close to the panic that was setting in . I wanted to hear from this baby . I wanted to hear that reassuring , quick - paced " whoosh whoosh whoosh " that meant its heart was beating away in there . " You don 't need to be , but I understand . We 'll order a better ultrasound at the hospital . " She must have noticed that I was barely breathing . " We 'll set it up for tomorrow morning . " The next morning , I filled a water bottle and drank it while John drove us both to the hospital . The bottle 's volume was marked in metric , though , and I miscalculated and drank at least four times as much water as I was told to . By the time we were led into the dark ultrasound room , my bladder felt ready to burst . I asked the technician if I could use the bathroom , but she said , " Try to hold it . We 'll get a better picture that way . " I complied , undressed , and lay down on the table . Ultrasound technicians aren 't doctors . They are not supposed to interpret what they see on the monitor . I now know that they break this rule , over and over , when the news is good . When they can show you the heartbeat , the fingers , the face of your baby - they do . When they can find the parts that say " girl " or " boy " - they do . But when they can 't find anything at all - no heartbeat , no spine , no baby - they don 't say anything . I had a very silent ultrasound . The wand was inside me , and the tech moved it in tiny motions , trying to get the right view on the monitor . It was like looking at outer space . Light and dark shapes came into view then receded . I didn 't know what to look for , but I searched the screen desperately for something , some movement , a set of tiny toes or an ear . Nothing emerged . John sat next to me , his hand on my arm , staring at the monitor . All three of us were quiet until I asked , " What do you see ? " The tech seemed uncomfortable . She wore a bright - colored nurse 's smock and white shoes . Perched on a chair between me and the monitor , she pushed the wand higher into my body , pushing uncomfortably up against my too - full bladder . She shifted and said , " I think we should call your midwife . " There was no baby . There was no heartbeat , no fingers , no rounded rump . I knew this before my midwife came into the room . I knew this while I was allowed to leave the exam table and relieve myself in the bathroom . I knew this as I was getting dressed and I heard John say miserably to the tech , " We just lost our dogs , too . " In my head , I willed him not to say that . It sounded so dumb , so irrelevant , but of course it wasn 't . There never was a baby , the midwife explained to me over a box of tissues that she held out for me in her office an hour later . I was seated in a chair , crying my way through the news . There had been a conception , but no baby ever formed . " This happens sometimes , " she said . " It 's normal . " I refused . My body , I knew , could handle this on its own . I talked to my family doctor , and she approved . " It 's a closed system . You 're not going to get an infection or anything . If it makes you feel better to wait , " she said to me in a phone call , " then I think you should wait . " In my rural community , going door to door involves a car , and the doors are spaced out - sometimes separated by miles . That same summer , I carried postcards with pictures of the dogs and our phone number everywhere I went . I talked to everyone in town through screen doors , on porches , on sagging back steps with kids peering at us through windows . I stuck the postcards into door frames when people weren 't home , but made sure to circle back to those houses later in the day . Sometimes John went out with me on these excursions , other times it was my mom . Sometimes I went alone . My mom and I talked to one man who lived with his family in a house barely bigger than a shed , way down a back road . The yard was a circle of gravel . Tree stumps remained where trees had been felled to make room for the house . A pack of beagles , each chained to a doghouse placed at even intervals , formed a circumference around the gravel yard . They bayed at us as we parked . There was a rusted , blue truck next to the house with a bumper sticker reading , Shit Happens . The man invited us in , and we stood on the plywood floor of the kitchen while we gave him a postcard . He studied it and shook his head sympathetically . " I love dogs , " he said , glancing up at me . " I really love dogs . And I 'm in the woods a lot , working with my beagles . " He gestured vaguely toward the yard , my postcard in his hand , indicating his dogs , still out there baying and howling . His rough , stained hands had seen a lot of trees felled , driven a lot of nails , dug a lot of trucks out of the mud . His hands had grazed or even caressed the surface of many rifles too . " If your dogs are in these woods around here , I 'll probably see them . " " I 'll keep my eyes open , and if I see them I 'll sure call you . " He looked me in the eye . His wife was working in the kitchen behind him , a cigarette hanging out of her mouth . She had long , stringy black hair and wore an oversized T - shirt and a pair of dirty jeans . Their kids - I don 't know how many - peered at us from behind a curtain that served as a door leading into some unseen room . The wife occasionally barked at them to stay quiet . They stayed hidden . It was years before I learned that this man , even as he met my gaze and made promises to help , had already dumped my dogs ' bodies in a swamp and left them there to decompose . By the time I knew , by the time the sheriff 's deputies had searched the swamp for evidence , all that remained was one bone . After the trial was over , the game warden mailed me that bone in a small , padded envelope about the size of a postcard . I miscarried that pregnancy late one night in November . The news that there was no baby was approximately ten days old , and I had lived that time in torturous expectation . I still had morning sickness . I still felt pregnant . And I was , but I was pregnant with a blank space where a baby should have been . It was the week of Thanksgiving , and my older brother and sister - in - law were visiting . John and I had given them our bedroom to sleep in and had moved downstairs onto the fold - out couch in the living room . Our house was unfinished and lacked some basic amenities such as bedroom doors and a second bathroom . The only bathroom was right next to the open doorway into the room where my brother and his wife were sleeping . At some point , I started to bleed . Lightly at first , then heavier . Though I knew what was coming , I managed the holiday . I baked pies . We played card games . Watched movies . If I let on that anything was happening , I likely spoke about the miscarriage in the past tense - something that was already over . During the last night of their visit , feeling sharp pains , I got up to check and the bleeding was severe . I made several trips up and down the stairs , in and out of the bathroom , trying not to make any noise . After I had soaked through three maximum - thickness pads in just thirty minutes , I returned to the bathroom and I did not leave it again until it was over . The pains became deeper and evenly spaced and blood and tissue heaved out of me like a dam had let go . I sat on the toilet , weeping , trying not to make noise , while John waited downstairs . He built a fire in our wood stove and waited . I flushed the toilet over and over , whooshing away the blood and the globs , hoping that I didn 't wake up my brother . It felt like my uterus was trying to wring itself out like a sponge . Every nerve , every muscle crackled and twisted as the pains organized into contractions . I was folded over on the toilet , holding onto my ankles , waiting , and trying not to cry out . I felt a final , devastating contraction that felt like I was being skinned - and then it was over . Something soft and enormous slid partway out of my body and hung there , suspended above the bloody water . I had to push to fully expel that expectant , blank space that should have been a son or a daughter . It slid to the bottom of the bowl , and I never saw what it looked like . The pains abruptly stopped . I had done it - alone . I cleaned up and went downstairs . John and I sat together , wrapped in blankets , looking at the fire until we both fell asleep on the couch . If we talked about it that night , we didn 't say much . The dogs had been missing for fifteen months when I got a call from someone insisting they had seen two husky - like dogs crossing the road in Charlotte - about fifteen miles from my house . It was deep in autumn . I was , by this time , nine months pregnant : due any day . I picked up my car keys and drove to the spot where the caller had seen the dogs . It was not near a house . The only landmark was a junction with another road . I parked on the road 's shoulder and entered the woods . The trees were wet and there was no trail . I pushed my way through dripping branches , my feet shin - deep in fallen , dried leaves . I called , clapped and whistled , and pushed further into the woods . My hair was wet and water began to run in rivulets down my neck . Slowly , as I walked and called into the dripping autumn canopy , lights began to turn on in my head , like someone was walking through a house at dusk turning on lamps - illuminating one room at a time . I felt the camera pull back and I saw myself out there , pregnant , thrashing through the woods during hunting season at dusk with a temperature hovering close to the hypothermia mark . The stupidity of the situation appeared in the woods in front of me , waving its arms , demanding to be noticed . Arms in mid - air , pushing back tree branches , I stopped trudging . I studied that truth for a moment . The dogs were not out here . The dogs were not anywhere . I turned and went back to the car . I did not go out looking again . A year later , I was at work when the Assistant District Attorney called to say that he knew what had happened to my dogs . I was working at a domestic violence agency , and was well - accustomed to phone calls from the police and the DA 's office . Someone handed me the message that Paul was trying to reach me . He had called twice - both times insisting that it wasn 't an emergency . I excused myself from a staff meeting , and called him back . Paul and I had been working together for years at this point , and our relationship was easy . I assumed that we were about to talk about a domestic violence case . I was ready to hear about some batterer that Paul was prosecuting - perhaps a victim to be warned of some upcoming court proceeding . I sat at my desk , leaning back in my chair , and held the phone between my head and shoulder . The heels of my shoes rested up on the desk , next to the phone . " I 'm at work , Paul . " I picked up and fidgeted with a desk knick - knack . It was a square , acrylic cube with floating gold glitter inside . It had a wire that jutted straight up out of it with a clip on the top ; it was meant to hold phone messages . I twirled it by the wire part and watched the glitter spin . " Just like you . " " Right . " There was a quality to his voice I hadn 't heard before . Was he nervous ? It was as if maybe he was also fidgeting with something in his hands - the phone cord or his badge . " Are you sitting down ? " I put the glittering cube down on the desk . I tried to make a joke - tried to ease whatever this tension was . " Is this an obscene phone call ? Do you want to know what I 'm wearing ? " I heard him take a breath . His next words came quickly - like he wanted to get it all out without letting me say anything . " I know who killed your dogs , and I have them in jail right now . I wanted to tell you because it 's going to be in the newspaper tomorrow . " His voice softened . " I wanted you to hear it from one of us . " By " one of us " he meant the cops in our rural community . Because of our linked careers , these men were my colleagues . We went to meetings together , sat on task forces , attended the same trainings . The men who killed my dogs - the ones Paul was holding in jail - were not arrested because they killed dogs . They were arrested as the result of an undercover sting . They were poachers - but that word doesn 't quite capture their depravity . They were killers . They killed every animal they came across . They killed seals . They killed bears . They killed eagles and crows . There had been a rare albino deer living in our town , and people caught sight of it now and again . It always caused a stir . People felt lucky to have seen it . Then , gradually , people realized that nobody had seen it for a while . These two men killed it . They killed late at night , with snares and guns and traps . They killed for fun , because it made them feel good . They didn 't eat what they killed . They left it . It wasn 't about surviving - it was about killing . They also killed dogs . They killed my dogs . Paul kept talking , which was helpful , because I was immediately reduced to quiet sobbing . I was trying to keep it inaudible . Paul wasn 't someone I cried in front of . Paul was someone I joked with , did victim safety planning with , negotiated cop politics with . Paul was someone who let me be one of the boys , even though I wasn 't . I had not been in this role with him before - role of the crime victim . " We 're trying to keep you out of the press , but this could be a big story . These are bad men , and people are going to be really angry at them . At some point , someone will make the connection because everyone knew about your dogs . " He paused . I tried to keep my breath evenly spaced so he wouldn 't know I was falling apart . He knew anyway . " You 're going to get some calls . " I didn 't know that , while Paul and I were talking , there was an assistant deputy standing on the front steps of my house , having the same conversation with my husband . The law enforcement community takes care of its own , and I had become part of their net . And - of course - in a small town like ours everyone saw the cruiser parked in our driveway that day . The footfalls of justice are slow and leaden . Months after the call from Paul and after the deputy had backed his car down our driveway , I sat across a courtroom from one of the poachers at his sentencing . I was not allowed to speak , but had submitted an emotional , overwritten victim impact statement . In those few pages of prose I had tried to describe to the judge all of the crazy that had rained down on my life as a result of this crime - the back roads , the psychics , the whistling and calling , the mourning , everything . The poacher and I faced each other from wooden benches . I was his only living victim - there was nobody there to represent the loons , ravens , seagulls , or albino deer . I sat , hands tangled in a knot on my thighs , and looked anywhere but at him . He was a huge man in a clean T - shirt . He had a massive black beard , and a baseball cap hung from his bent knee . The judge asked if he had anything to say , and the man crumpled the fabric of his cap in his giant fist as he stood , continuing to face me . I saw a stapled sheaf of papers in his other hand , and recognized it even from that distance as a copy of my statement . He tried to meet my eyes as he said , " Yes , your honor . " My hands untangled and rose in front of me in a " stop " gesture . The previous years had filled me with empty spaces , but none of them had room for his remorse . I pressed my back into the bench , trying to increase the distance between us and shook my head . I wanted his silence . I don 't know what he said next . I couldn 't hear him . And I had given birth to the daughter I had always wanted , and a son was to follow soon . I should have felt better . And I did . But I also didn 't . I have donned various responses the way we try on coats or shoes , the way I tried on therapists and cures in the years following these things that I could not fix , but I 've learned that this isn 't a story most people want to hear when they 're making polite conversation over the unleaded nozzle . I either say , " No , " or " Yes , but it 's a terrible story for another time . " Then I pay for my groceries and move on to picking up my kids from swim practice or thinking about my next oil change - desperate for some reminder of my competence . People think they want to hear , but some sounds are too piercing for human ears to handle , and some stories are better left as blank spaces . Original art by John Leavitt , from a series entitled " Lost Dogs . " Penny Guisinger lives and writes on the easternmost tip of Maine . Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Fourth Genre , River Teeth , Guernica , the Brevity blog , Solstice , Under the Gum Tree , and others . Her first book , Postcards from Here , will be released by Vine Leaves Press in 2016 . Her second book , " Shift , " is in progress . Penny is the founding director of Iota : Short Prose Conference and a graduate of the Stonecoast MFA Program . She lives with two dogs , two kids , her wife , and a family of porcupines that trundle across the lawn like bulldozers . Penny 's stable of literary agents is currently empty and she would welcome their eager calls ; learn more at : pennyguisinger . com . Welcome to TheRumpus . net . We don 't say that lightly - we 're thrilled you 're here . At The Rumpus , we 've got essays , reviews , interviews , music , film , short fiction , and poetry - along with some kick - ass comics . We know how easy it is to find pop culture on the Internet , so we 're here to give you something more challenging , to show you how beautiful things are when you step off the beaten path . The Rumpus is a place where people come to be themselves through their writing , to tell their stories or speak their minds in the most artful and authentic way they know how , and to invite each of you , as readers , commenters or future contributors , to do the same . What we have in common is a passion for fantastic writing that 's brave , passionate , and true ( and sometimes very , very funny ) . ( more ) |
Fairy tales and folklore are a part of all of our childhoods , so each week I will be presenting a new adaptation of a classic story in the hopes that it will entertain , amuse , and maybe even take you back to a time when true love , magic powers , talking animals , high adventure , and happy endings all seemed possible . I hope you enjoy it . I think you will . EMAIL : face4077 @ insightbb . com This one is another that I first heard through " Fractured Fairy Tales " and was astounded to find was an actual , real fairy tale . This one also comes to us from Andrew Lang , though there 's no telling where he heard it . Halfway through writing my version , I realized it made a pretty good practical demonstration of " irony , " which some people ( I 'm talkin ' to you , Ma ! ) still have a hard time with . A lot of people are confused about irony . Basically , it means to use words to mean something other than their literal meaning or when things are the oposite of what you 'd expect . So , for instance , if a professional woodcutter found himself with nothing to build a fire , that would be ironic . If a hairdresser was bald , that would be pretty ironic . If it rains on your wedding day , that 's not ironic , just unfortunate . Or , if , for example , a man 's name was Darling but he was actually cruel , selfish and unkind , that would be very ironic . It would also be what this story is about : Prince Darling . Prince Darling 's father was , as you may have been able to deduce for yourselves , a king and he was known to be an honest , benevolent , merciful king who gave a care . In fact , he actually was darling ( which , if his name had been something like " Meanie " or " Jerkface " would have been ironic , but since his name was Dennis , it wasn 't . Are we pretty clear on irony as a concept ? Good . On we go ) . One day King Dennis was out walking in the woods , thinking about all the nice things in his life . " I like my castle … I like my court jester … I like spaghetti … I like sitting in the big , comfy throne … I like rabbits . Like that one ! " And sure enough a little white rabbit ran straight up to him , terrified by something and leapt right into the king 's arms . " There , there , little bunny , " said the king . " You can come home with me . I 'll take care of you . " So the king took the bunny home and saw to it that she was well taken care of . That night the king was awoken ( awakened ? Awokened ? How the heck do you say this ? ) by a strange visitation . A beautiful woman in a white gown appeared to him . " Good King Dennis , " she said in a voice that was nothing short of angelic . " I am the Good Fairy , Melisande . I heard that you were very kind , so I disguised myself as a cuddly bunny , knowing that only a real jerk could be mean to a cuddly bunny . Because you have proved yourself worthy , I will grant you a wish . " Well , the king thought about it for a moment , but in the end it was clear what he should wish for . " Nothing in my life is more precious to me than my son , Prince Darling . Unfortunately , I 'm worried that he might be on the wrong path . For my wish , I would like you to look after my son and do what you can to make him a good man and a good king . " The fairy agreed to do this and , a few years later , when the king passed away , she set to work . Prince Darling loved his father very much and missed him terribly . Other than that , he was super - psyched to be the king ! It 's worth mentioning at this point that kings in those days didn 't usually take a very active role in their kids ' upbringing . Darling had been raised by a governess ( which is like a nanny ) who was not very strict with him . She gave in to his every tantrum , his every slightest whim was granted . As a result , Prince Darling as a young man was very , very spoiled and selfish . And his idea of a king 's duties basically involved doing whatever he wanted all the time and arresting anyone who tried to stop him . She appeared to King Darling as she had appeared to his father : as a cute , cuddly bunny . When Darling drew his crossbow , however , she knew this wasn 't gonna work , so she turned back into a lady . " I promised your late father that I 'd look out for you , " she said , sternly . " Now I can 't force you to be a good person , but maybe I can help you to realize when you 're being bad . " With that , she slipped a gold ring onto Darling 's finger . " Everytime you do or say anything you shouldn 't , that ring will prick your finger like a needle . Hopefully , that will teach you the difference between right and wrong . " And , really , that should 've worked . When Darling did something small , like get into a temper for not getting his way , he felt a small pinprick on the ringed finger . When he did something worse , like shouting at the servants , it was more like the tip of a knife pricking him . And when he did something really awful , like kicking a puppy ( seriously , who kicks a puppy ? ) the ring actually made his finger bleed . At first , when he felt the pain , he stopped what he was doing and tried to do the right thing . But after a while he got really sick of it . " I 'm the King ! " he shouted to no one in particular . " Why should I let some stupid fairy tell me what to do ? " So he pulled the ring off his finger and hurled it into the lake . There it was promptly swallowed by a fish who , two days later , was caught by a fisherman who found the ring and gave it to his wife who had an unfortunate habit of judging her neighbors and gossiping about them . But now , every time she did , the ring pricked her finger and she learned to be kinder to others , which just goes to prove that the ring bit would 've worked on anyone but Darling . " No , sire , " said the shepherdess . " I am in love with another . A young man from my village . I will marry none but him . " " Nonsense ! " said King Darling . " I 'm the king , I want you , so I get to have you . That 's how this works ! Now marry me or be put to death . " " I think … neither ! " And in a flash , the shepherdess had turned into Melisande , glaring angrily at King Darling . " I thought I would give you one last chance to do something right . But , I daresay , after all these years of thinking only of yourself , you 've forgotten how to do anything right . You may look like a man on the outside , but on the inside you are a monster ! And I think it 's about time you looked the part ! " The fairy waved her hands and cast a spell on King Darling . Another flash and she was gone , and the king was transformed into … into a … a sort of … he was . Well , he looked kinda like this : Melisande had made it so that Darling looked as nasty on the outside as he was on the inside . He couldn 't even talk anymore . All anyone heard was a horrible snarling sound . He couldn 't go home in this state , so he ran deep into the forest , to hide from all the world . At first , Darling simply cursed Melisande 's name and blamed her , and his father , for everything that had happened to him . But solitude is great for self - reflection , and after a few weeks of living in the woods , hiding from all other living beings ( except , I guess , trees and stuff ) , Darling began to understand that some of the fault was his … a few weeks later , it occurred to him that most of the fault was his … after six full months , he accepted that it was all his fault . He had thought only of himself and treated others with cruelty and what had happened to him was all he deserved . As luck would have it , it was on this day that Darling , feeling so sorry for himself that he didn 't look where he was going , fell into a deep , dark pit that hunters had dug to catch bears and the like . When the hunters saw Darling in the pit , however , they didn 't know what to make of him . Or even what to call him . In the end , they decided that he would make a great addition to the royal menagerie , so they packed him in a cage and took him to the palace . Darling was apprehensive at the thought of returning to his palace after all this time . True , he 'd only been gone three months , but he didn 't know what to expect when he got back . He thought maybe his people would still be looking for him , wondering what had become of him . Maybe they took him for dead and were still in mourning over their lost monarch . He certainly didn 't expect a coronation to be going on . " Yes , " repeated one of the hunters to the palace guard . " A brand new kind of animal , just discovered in the forest . We 'd like to give it as a gift to the new king . " Darling 's cage was taken into the throne room and presented to the man who would soon be crowned king . To Darling 's surprise , it was his old tutor , a kindly old man who had always loved Darling like a father . From the conversations he 'd overheard upon his arrival , Darling surmised that he had been made steward of the throne once he , Darling , had gone missing all those months ago . As steward , his job was to keep the kingdom running in the absence of her rightful monarch . But , as it turned out , he was a much better king than Darling . He cared about other people , he was unselfish , he was generous , merciful , compassionate . He was very much like the late , great King Dennis , in fact . So the people of the kingdom had decided to make it official and crown the steward king . None of them even seemed to care what had happened to Darling ! " Please , please , my people , " said the steward as he addressed the assembled . " I accept the throne of this kingdom only because you demand it , and as king , I am nothing if not a servant to my people . " This struck Darling as odd , but he kept listening . " In my heart , however , I know I am only filling in for our true king , young Darling , who went missing only three months ago . I know he wasn 't perfect . " " But I knew him all his life , " continued the steward , unperterbed by this interruption , " and I knew his father before him . And I saw in Darling the potential to be a great king . I would give my very life to see him in his rightful place on this throne . " " Works for me ! " growled Darling and with the great animal strength he now possessed , he tore his way out of the cage and lunged straight for the steward . But before he could strike a killing blow , he looked into the old man 's eyes . And he saw the eyes of the kindly tutor who had patiently taught him for all those years . And the eyes of the good , wise fairy who had given him so many chances to change , each of which he had ignored . And the eyes of his dear , departed father who had one wish , and used it to make his only son a better man . Darling realized that he couldn 't do it . The country was better off without him . He wanted to be a good king , but the first step was putting the needs of his people ahead of his own . So he went back into his cage and covered his face with his paws . As Melisande 's voice faded away , Darling looked up . The first thing he saw were his hands . Not paws , mind you , but hands . He was still in the cage but he had turned back into his old self . All the guests at the coronation were shocked at what they had seen , but they knew their long lost king when they saw him … and they also remembered what a jerk he was so , fearful for their lives , they all started to cheer . " No ! " cried Darling . " I don 't deserve applause or cheers . I have not been the king you deserve . The king my father wanted me to be . But I have learned a lot recently , and I want a second chance to serve you all better , even though I know I don 't deserve it . " " If that 's how you feel , " said the steward . " You do deserve it . Hail , King Darling ! Long live the King ! " And so , the coronation went ahead as planned , with only one slight change : It was our old friend Darling who was re - crowned king . Only by giving up the throne could he prove himself worthy of it , and only by becoming a monster could he learn what it was to be a man . This story comes to us from a book by Margery Williams , which bears the alternate title " How Toys Become Real . " It is interesting to think about how many stories there are out there that concern toys becoming real . It seems that as long as children have played with toys , they have fantasized about their being really alive . From Colloddi 's Pinocchio to Milne 's Winnie the Pooh all the way through to Bill Watterson 's comic strip Calvin and Hobbes and the phenomenally successful Toy Story films of Pixar . Only a few months ago , I shared a story of live toys ( and a certain penguin of which I know of ) with you all . What sets this story apart from so many of these others is that , in this story , the titular rabbit is destined to become real not merely a living toy . Velveteen , before you ask , is a kind of fabric usually made from cotton which is designed to look and feel somewhat like velvet . It was this material that a toymaker once used to make a lovely little rabbit which was bought by a nice lady and subsequently given to her son as a Christmas gift . The boy was very happy and absolutely loved his new Velveteen Rabbit … for about two hours . By then , he had unwrapped other gifts . Clockwork trains , electric soldiers , and the very latest in video games : 8 - Bit graphics and everything ! Okay , that last one 's not right , but I think you get the idea . The rabbit was just velveteen stuffed with sawdust , he didn 't make a noise or move on his own or light up or anything . So , after the Christmas festivities were over , the rabbit was tossed carelessly into the toy chest with all the other toys the boy hardly ever played with but would throw a tantrum if you even suggested giving them away . Of course , the other toys looked down on the rabbit for being so old - fashioned . They had moving parts and wind - up keys and could move and walk and talk . Some of the fancier toys even pretended to be real . " Sort of like you , " said a kind voice from outside the chest . " Only very , very different . " The Velveteen Rabbit looked out of the chest and saw that he was being addressed by a rocking horse , who was perhaps the oldest toy in the room and was very kind and clever . " Don 't let those fancy toys get to you , " he said with a friendly smile . " I 've seen hundreds of toys come and go in this place . They 're top of the heap one day and the maid is picking up their gears and springs the next . " " Not like those toys , I can tell you that . It 's difficult to explain , but when you are real you can move and think on your own . You can live and breathe and eat just like live animals do . There are no toy chests if you 're real , no little boys poking and pawing at you . It means you 're alive and that 's the best thing to be . " The Velveteen Rabbit wasn 't sure he understood the Rocking Horse 's words , but they did excite him . He thought he 'd like to try being real . " How can I be real ? " he asked . " For toys , it 's not easy . It takes love . The love of a child . And I mean a great love . You must be real in his eyes , and then you 'll be real in everyone 's eyes . " " You 're crazy ! " chimed in a toy car . " That 's just an old toys ' tale . Toys don 't become real . We 're built , we 're played with , we wear out , we 're thrown away . That 's the best any of us can hope for ! " The next night , the boy was throwing a fit because he had lost his china dog . This was a little toy dog that he always took to bed with him and he couldn 't sleep without it . The woman called " Nanny " didn 't know what had become of the dog but knew she had to get the boy to sleep soon . So she looked through the toy chest and there she found the Velveteen Rabbit . " Here , " she said . " Remember your bunny ? I 'm sure he 'd like to spend the night with you . " The boy was hesitant at first , but he gave in eventually and from then on , it was not the china dog , but the Velveteen Rabbit the boy called for when bedtime came . Of course , the fancy , wind - up , clockwork , electric , etcetera toys were shocked and appalled at the Rabbit becoming the boy 's favorite toy , but the Rocking Horse was very proud of his little friend . " You may turn real yet , " he said one night . But in the meantime , the Rabbit was having so much fun playing with the boy that he hadn 't noticed he was changing . His pretty brown coat was getting duller and shabbier . The pink paint from his nose was almost rubbed off . A few of his seams were getting loose and stuffing began to peek out . He was beginning to wear out , just as the toy car had said he would . One day , the boy had been playing with the Rabbit out in the garden and left him there , so when bedtime came , Nanny had to go get him , clean him off ( as best she could ) and hand him to the boy . Real ? Thought the Rabbit to himself . Am I real ? The boy said so , and the Rocking Horse did say that a child 's love could make me real . If he says I 'm real … I must be ! I 'm real ! That summer , when he and the boy were playing as they always did , the Rabbit found himself left temporarily alone on the lawn . As he sat there , patiently waiting for the boy to return , two very strange creatures hopped over to him . The Velveteen Rabbit didn 't know what they were , but they were , in fact , rabbits . Real rabbits . They stared at the Velveteen Rabbit , who stared back at them , trying to figure out where the wind - up key was . The boy went on loving the Velveteen Rabbit for quite some time . He loved him so hard that he was now quite worn out . He was more gray than brown , he had been repaired by Nanny seven or eight times , and his stuffing was so bent out of shape that he hardly even looked like a rabbit anymore , except to the eyes of the boy , and that 's all that mattered to the Rabbit . No matter what anybody else said , the boy said he was real so real he must be … but that 's when the boy got sick . Very sick . The Velveteen Rabbit heard snatches of grown - up conversation . Words like " fever " and " scarlet " and " deathly ill . " It was decided that the boy would be taken to the sea - side for some fresh air . But on the day he left , something terrible happened : He left the Velveteen Rabbit behind . And once the boy was well out of the house , in came Nanny and a few maids , all wearing white handkerchiefs over their mouths . " Okay , you heard the doctor . Everything must be destroyed so the virus can 't spread . " The Velveteen Rabbit , unable to move , watched as they gathered up the boy 's clothes , his bedsheets , his blankets … and his toys ! " That rabbit especially , " said Nanny . " He played with that thing morning , noon and night . It must be infected . " This is it , thought the Velveteen Rabbit . The toy car was right all along . I was made , played with , I wore out and now I must be destroyed . I shall never be the real rabbit I was when the boy held me close . And as he thought about his horrible fate , a most remarkable thing happened : A single tear , a real tear , rolled down the Rabbit 's cheek and onto the earth below . Suddenly , he couldn 't feel the heat from the flames . And all he could see was a bright , white light , that seemed to be surrounding him . A moment later , he felt that he was not on the bonfire after all , but in a warm , safe place , like when his boy used to cuddle him at night . He didn 't feel quite so shabby anymore , either … When the next springtime came , the boy went out to play . His scarlet fever was quite gone and he carried with him a fine , new toy rabbit he had been given when he was sick . As he was playing , he saw two real rabbits , one of which looked like any old ordinary brown rabbit . The other , however , looked … familiar . The Rabbit smiled in his heart as he looked at the new toy rabbit being held by the boy who had helped bring him to life . But that was the last he ever saw of the boy . He went off with the other real rabbits like himself , and lived very happily ever after . Last week , I looked at the stats for this blog and discovered that I do have quite a few more readers than I expected in quite a few more countries than I would 've imagined . But I don 't know how many of you are really reading the blog , or if you just browse here by accident and close the window almost immediately . So if you are a loyal reader , let me know . Post some comments on the blog , send me an email or a Tweet , find me on Facebook . I 'm mainly doing this for myself , but it would be nice to know that there are a few people out there who dig what I 'm doing here . So , c ' mon , internet . Let 's hear from you every once in a while ! There are three kinds of people in the world : The ones who know Oscar Wilde for his most famous play , The Importance of Being Earnest ; the ones who know him best for his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray ; and , sadly , the ones who don 't know him at all or , at best , know only the ( shall we say ) controversial elements of his all - too - tragic life story . Putting aside for the moment the fact that he was considered criminally perverse by many people during his lifetime ( it was Victorian England ; it was almost impossible not to be criminally perverse in those prudish days ) , Oscar Wilde was one of the greatest writers ever to bless the English language with his custom . His marvelous , imminently quotable plays and stories have been tickling audiences for generations and will continue to do so for many years more . Though best known for the works listed above , Wilde proved himself a master at writng fairy tales with his book " The Happy Prince and Other Stories . " I have , therefore , taken on the task of adapting what might be his best known short story , which I for one find enchanting in its simple beauty . Thanks for everything , Oscar . The bell rang and the chidren were released from school . Of course , all children look forward to getting out of school , but the children of this community looked forward to the final bell more than most . Because once school was out , they all went to play in the garden . It was a huge , beautiful garden , full of the most remarkable flowers and trees you ever saw . The children would run through the grass , chase each other around the flowerbeds , wade in the pond and climb the trees for hours on end , until they finally had to go home at the behest of their parents . So it went for many months , until the owner of the garden returned . He was a giant ! And he had been away for the winter but had returned home now that the weather was getting warmer . And when he saw that his garden was crawling with children he was furious . He roared at them to get out and scolded them for being there in the first place . Terrified of the giant , the children all ran away . The giant felt he was perfectly in the right demanding that the children leave . After all , he said to himself as he prepared bricks and mortar for a wall , it is my garden . It 's my property . I have the right to protect what 's mine , don 't I ? Of course I do . So he built a wall around his garden which , while small by his standards , was more than sufficient to keep the children from coming back . He also hung a sign on the front gate which read " Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted . " The weeks passed and the wall was having its effect . No children came to play in the giant 's garden anymore . The giant himself was free to look out his front window at the garden whenever he wanted , without having his view obstructed by a laughing child in a tree . Indeed , he was quite content , except for one thing : It still seemed to be winter in the garden . By all accounts , it should have been spring by this time , but spring refused to come to the giant 's garden . Looking beyond the wall , the giant saw that spring had sprung outside his property . The giant pondered this for many days until that fateful afternoon when he looked out his window and saw that his garden had changed . It had transformed overnight . It was spring ! The trees were green and full of beautiful blossoms and there was no snow or ice anywhere . And playing under or in each and every tree were the children ! He saw a large hole in the wall thorugh which the children had crept in order to play in the garden without being seen by the giant . That 's why it had remained winter for so long . The garden was lonely for the children . And , after all , what good is a garden if there 's no one to enjoy it . Just as the giant was beginning to think he had behaved rashly , he looked out and saw one tree that was still shrouded in winter . A chill north wind shook its branches and its bare trunk was covered in snow . Then he saw a very small boy at the base of the tree , who was too small to climb up into it like the others were doing . It was the only tree without a child playing in it , and the only tree which had not yet bloomed . The giant made up his mind and walked straight outside to his garden . The other children saw him and immediatley ran away through the hole in the wall . But the little boy who couldn 't get up into the tree was crying too hard to even notice the giant . The children watched through the hole in the wall , certain that something terrible was about to befall the poor boy … but instead , to their utter amazement , the giant gently lifted the boy up into the branches of the tree . The little boy was so grateful that he flung his arms around the giant 's neck and gave him a big kiss on the cheek . At last the giant saw how selfish he had been to try to keep this garden all to himself . How much grander it was when he shared it wih the children . He took down the trespassers sign and knocked down the stone wall he had built . Then he turned to the children and said , " This is your garden now ! " After last week 's somewhat macabre offering , I thought this week we all needed something a little lighter . To that end , I present this adventure of my good friend and frequent collaborator , Leroy the Penguin . About this time last year , he went on his first trip to my favorite place on the planet , Disneyland . And , true to form , he got into trouble . ( I should mention here , just for legal reasons , that I claim no ownership of any of the copyrighted images , names , places and so on contained herein . Disney owns Disneyland , and I hope they don 't sue me or Leroy over this silly little story ) Oh my gosh , you guys ! Disneyland is so great ! There 's so much awesome stuff there ! I could go every single day for ever and ever and also ever ! Of course , the first time I went things didn 't exactly go the way I had hoped . The adventure started out promising enough . I went through the front gate and saw the big Mickey Mouse floral arrangement . I went through the archway and saw the cool posters for the rides . And then I was in another world ! Specifically , Main Street , USA , circa 1900 . There were horse - drawn carriages and a barbershop quartet and lots of old - tyme stuff everywhere I looked . And Donald Duck was there ! I went to see Great Moments with Mr . Lincoln and was moved to tears . I will admit that it wasn 't easy making my way down Main Street . There were a lot of people there and I am sort of on the small side . But I 've gotten used to moving through crowds without getting stepped on … much … so all things considered , everything was going swell . " Er … what ? " was all I could think to say . Apparently , he didn 't hear me because the next thing I knew he had picked me up and was taking me somewhere ! I tried to shout but he was holding me funny so I couldn 't even talk . He carried me through Sleeping Beauty 's Castle into Fantasyland . My first glimpse of King Arthur 's Carousel and Mr . Toad 's Wild Ride was in the arms of what was essentially a kidnapper ! Before long , we had gone through Fantasyland and were going into a sort of access door in " It 's a Small World . " " Here you go ! Home sweet home , " said the cast member as he plunked me down among a lot of other penguins . " I don 't know how you got to Main Street , but this is where you belong . " Satisfied in a job well done , the cast member left before I even thought to read his nametag so I could complain . It was clear to me now what had happened : this guy thought I was one of the animatronic penguins in the ride and had brought me back . I was surrounded by penguins and children singing a very cheery song which I liked , but got the sense I would like less if I had to listen to it all the livelong day . " Here , " said a little girl in a passing boat . " Jump in ! " I did and rode the rest of the way with Susie and her parents . As we got out of the boat and I was saying thank you to Susie , another cast member came and picked me up . " Did you get this inside the ride ? " she asked Susie and her parents very sternly . She thought they had stolen me ! " Hmmm . You 're right , " said the cast member , looking me over . " This is a bird . He belongs in Adventureland . " This time the reason I couldn 't protest was because I was kind of exhausted from the ordeal . So I was brought to Adventureland and sat on a perch in the Enchanted Tiki Room . I wanted to just walk out right away … but the show was about to start and I didn 't want to ruin it . So I sat in with the bird glee club for a few choruses of " The Tiki Tiki Tiki Room " and when the show ended , I took my bows and snuck out with the audience . It looked like I was free … until another cast member came and saw me , picked me up ( my throat was sore from all the singing , so I still couldn 't explain ) and carried me to Critter Country where I was deposited among some birds and frogs and turtles on Splash Mountain . As you can probably guess , I was getting pretty tired of all this by now and was determined to put a stop to it once and for all . So , just like when I was in " It 's a Small World , " I jumped into a passing boat ( or , rather , log ) and resolved to ride my way out … had I know what kind of ride Splash Mountain is , I might have thought of a different plan . But , in the end , I emerged , however soggy , and marched up to the first cast member I could find and tugged on her pants leg . " Now listen here , Missy ! " I said , uncharacteristically rude , but I was fed up . " I have been dragged all over this park today by you people . First I was in ' It 's a Small World , ' then I was in the Tiki Room and then I was on Splash Mountain and I don 't belong on any of those rides ! " " No , of course you don 't , " she said . " You 're that penguin from Toy Story 2 , aren 't you ? Maybe you belong on the Buzz Lightyear ride ? " " No , no , " said another cast member , joining her . " He 's a Muppet penguin . He should be in Muppet - Vision 3 - D . " " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH ! " It 's likely I would 've had a genuine , bona fide , coniption fit right at that moment , but luckily someone overheard and came over . He was a sort of rolly - polly someone with yellow fur and a red shirt . As it happens , we knew each other through a mutual friend , so he recognized me at once . I explained the situation to him and he picked me up in his paws and took me to see the only person who could help me get everything straight : The Big Cheese himself ! So , I had a talk with the Big Cheese and everything was sorted out . I was given a special badge to wear indicating that I was a guest of the park and not part of any attraction . This is another one that I went back and forth on for some time . Despite my misgivings , I 'm going ahead with it for what might seem to others like a stupid reason : It 's the only story from Charles Perrault 's original book which I have not adapted in any form . Those who are unfamiliar with this title might wonder why I held off for so long . Before those people read the story , let me make this abundantly clear : THIS ONE IS NOT FOR LITTLE KIDS ! ! ! It is scary and bloody and served as the partial inspiration for Bram Stoker 's Dracula ! Read on only if you can take it . Otherwise , I apologize , and next week will give you something about a bunny or a piggie or maybe Leroy . For now , you have been warned . The lesson of today 's story is to be very careful when entering into a marriage . You are being told this at the outset so that you can benefit from the lesson even if you don 't read the story . Consider yourself warned that this is a scary tale full of terrible secrets and tragic deaths . If you feel strong enough to continue , we shall begin : In a faraway land , there lived a nobleman who was very wealthy and had many homes in town and the country . His grandest home was his country estate , a mansion that rivaled even the grandeur of the king 's palace . This was the house in which he felt , above all others , that he was truly " at home . " He hunted in the adjacent forest , fished in the river and frequented the nearby village where he never failed to buy a round of drinks for all the men present . Yes , he was generous , but he was not well - liked . The reason for people 's mistrust of him was his beard . It was long and bright blue , a most unnatural color . It was grotesque to look at so nobody really got too close to the man , and everyone just called him " Bluebeard . " But Bluebeard longed for the company of a young woman , to brighten his home and liven his heart . He let it be known throughout the land that he was seeking a bride , but no mother or father would consent to let their daughters marry a man with such a frighteningly blue beard . Bluebeard decided to hold a dance at his mansion and invite everyone in the village to come and celebrate . It was a most successful party , and everyone enjoyed themselves immensely . But none moreso than a young woman named Kala , who had always heard that Bluebeard was a terrifying figure , but now saw that he was really quite kind , despite his odd appearance . Bluebeard talked it over with the girl 's parents , and in no time the match was made . The wedding itself was a brief affair held the following afternoon . Very few of the invited villagers attended , out of fear of Bluebeard . Kala 's family was , of course , in attendance . Her mother and father and her three brothers , who were woodcutters by trade . They were very protective of their baby sister and this marriage to this strange , odd - looking man did not sit right with them . But , they kept their mouths shut since Kala seemed so happy . After the wedding , Bluebeard showed his new bride all around her new home . Every room of the mansion was full of gold , jewels , silver and riches Kala had never dreamed of . She rejoiced to think that her life would be full of such decadance and wealth . She was so excited , she ran to open the next door without her new husband inviting her to . " Stop ! " he cried as her hand went for the knob . " You must never go into that room . Everything else that I own is yours and you may wander this mansion freely . But that door must never be opened . Do you understand ? " For the next several weeks , life was good for all concerned . Bluebeard was happy with his beautiful , charming new wife . Kala was happy to be living in so grand a home with so kind a man and to possess such wealth . And her family was happy when Bluebeard and Kala came to visit them and gave them gold and silver . Her parents were then able to repair and even improve their humble home and her hard - working brothers bought new , very sharp axes with which to ply their trade . They began to think they were wrong to mistrust Bluebeard just because of his appearance and were vey grateful to him for his generosity . Then , one day , about two months after their marriage , Bluebeard told Kala that he was going on a long trip , taking stock of his holdings throughout the land , and that she was in charge of the mansion in his absence . Before he left , he handed her a ring of keys , saying , " These keys open every door in this mansion , " ( This pleased Kala because , even after all this time , there were still quite a few rooms she had never been inside ) , " and you can use them as you see fit . But this key , " he added , holding up a very small , solid gold key , " opens the door I once told you never to open . I remind you that I forbid you from every entering that room . Can I trust you to hold this key and not use it until I return ? " Kala said he could and took the keys before saying goodbye to her husband . Kala spent the next few days exploring the house . She opened doors she had never opened before and saw treasures even greater than the ones she had come to know . Before long , she had opened and explored every single room in the mansion … except one . The more time she spent in wandering through her new home , the more the thought of that forbidden door ate away at her imagination . She tried to imagine what could be so precious and valuable that Bluebeard would protect is so fiercely . Why could she go into every other room , but not that one ? He trusted her with his gold , jewels , silver , silks . What prize lay behind that door with which she could not be trusted ? Curiosity is no sin , but it should be exercised with great caution , and the greater the curiosity , the greater should be the caution . Poor Kala was curious but none too cautious , and she decided to open the door . I 'll just peek my head in for a minute , she told herself , turning the key in the lock she had twice promised never to open . After all , he 'll never know what I 've done . With this thought firmly in her mind , she turned the knob and opened the door . The room within was very dark and cold . It had no windows and only one door , the door through which Kala had just entered . Dimly , she could see the outline of a candleabra in front of her , so she stepped inside and felt her way toward it . The door was very heavy and , as soon as Kala had let go of it , it swung shut , plunging the room into complete blackness . But greater than the darkness was the smell . It was the most horrific , putrid smell Kala had ever experienced . Between being disoriented in the dark and taken aback by the stench , it is not surprising that a moment later she tripped and fell over something lying on the floor , causing her to drop her keys . She was now close enough to the candle holder to light it with a match from her pocket and she held it up to see what she had tripped over … and what she saw almost made her heart stop with terror . It was a woman . Once she had been young and dressed in a silk gown , similar to Kala 's , but now she lay dead on the cold stone floor . Kala threw the candlelight all over the room . Corpses piled on top of each other . Hung up on the walls . Some with great , festering wounds , some still with nooses around their necks . Some faces frozen in horrified screams , some with eyes closed who had no doubt died peacefully in their sleep . Some were decayed beyond all recognition , some were merely skeletons , but a few were fresh enough that you might have thought they were only sleeping . But each and every one definitely and unmistakably murdered . The next moment saw Kala scrabbling wildly for the keys . As soon as she had them in her hands she ran for the door , forced it open and locked it tight behind her . Then she ran to her room , took off her gown , which was covered in the filth of death , and ordered the servants to burn it at once . She bathed and spent a good hour scrubbing every inch of her skin . All the while her mind was racing , trying to make sense of what she had seen . " I have served the master for many years . You are not the first bride to give in to curiosity . It 's happened before . The master says he has to leave for a few days and gives his wife the same keys he gave you . Sooner or later she decides it can do no harm to peek into that room . And when she does , she finds the remains of the master 's wives . The women he trusted with his secret and who broke their promise . And soon , they join the others in that secret room . " It was a horrible story , but Kala knew that every word of it was absolutely true . She was not even surprised when the maid went on to say that Bluebeard had been doing this for almost a hundred years . " Years ago he made a wicked pact , " she explained . " He doesn 't age , he doesn 't change . Only he has to wear that blue beard . That 's the mark of his curse , ma ' am . That 's why everyone who looks at it feels so uneasy . " " What do I do ? " asked Kala . " I don 't know , ma ' am . But you 'll have to do it fast . You see , this whole thing is a test . Master isn 't really in another county like he claims . He 'll be back tonight , to make sure you haven 't unlocked that door ! " Sure enough , a moment later , Kala heard the heavy footfalls which she knew belonged to her husband . She was terrified , but she tried to keep a clear head . " Get out , " she said to the maid . " You and all the servants . Take the night off . Go into the village . Don 't let him see you leave . And , " she added as the maid turned to go , " go to my brothers . The house at the end of town , just past the blacksmith . Tell them to come for me at once ! " The maid curtsied and left the room quickly . Kala took a moment to steal herself for what was to come and went to greet her husband . Kala was startled for a moment , but shook it off and said , " Yes . I have them right here . " She handed the ring to Bluebeard who inspected them carefully . Kala could not imagine why he was examining the keys until she suddenly remembered that she had dropped them in the forbidden room . Her fears were realized a second later , when her husband asked her , " What is this all over the golden key ? " " I don 't know , " Kala lied . Of course she knew exactly what it was : Blood . She had dropped the keys in a pool of blood and had been so distressed that it had not occurred to her to wipe it off . " I know , " said Bluebeard , all pretense dropped . " And what 's more , I know how it got there . You broke your promise . You betrayed me . And since you were so keen to get inside that room , I will oblige you and see to it that you never leave it again ! " With a roar of fury , Bluebeard drew his dagger and lunged at Kala , who ran faster than she had ever run before . Bluebeard tore after her , more animal than man , now , fueled by rage and blood lust , knocking over decorations , furniture , and candles as he ran after his wife . Kala led the chase all through the house . Luckily , she had come to know it well since coming to live here and found it easy to stay at least one room ahead of Bluebeard . But , in the end , she found herself in the corner of the dining room , backed against the stained glass window by her ravenous husband who stalked toward her slowly , looking even more inhuman in the light of the flames that were rising up all over the mansion . Kala shut her eyes tight … until she heard a loud crash from above her . She looked up and saw the stained glass window was in shards and climbing into the room were her three brothers , armed with their new axes . Without a word or even a thought they advanced on Bluebeard and , within moments , had hacked him to pieces with the same axes they had bought with Bluebeard 's gold only a few weeks ago . Then they took hold of their sister and ran from the burning mansion with all their might , not stopping until they were well out of harm 's way . Only then did Kala dare to look back at the mansion she had once called home as it smoldered into nothing but ash . Bluebeard was dead . All of his possessions , his wealth and treasures , were destroyed . And even if they hadn 't been , Kala , though by all right their legal owner , would not have wanted them . Nothing that reminded her of the terrible man she had been only too eager to marry would be allowed within her sight from then on . And perhaps she grew stronger for this experience and overcame the nightmares that plagued her well after Bluebeard 's death . And perhaps she one day married another , a man with whom she shared a genuine bond of love and friendship . Perhaps she even managed to live happily ever after . History does not relate what happened to Kala after Bluebeard 's death , so we are forced to draw our own conclusions . Whatever the rest of Kala 's life had in store , you can be sure that she learned to be more cautious than curious , to put her trust in the right people , and to be very careful when entering into a marriage . In which case , I think it 's safe to assume that she did live happily ever after … but , that 's just what I think . How about you ? The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J . K . Rowling . One story , entitled " The Warlock 's Hairy Heart " reminds me of Bluebeard , and , in the " Wizarding World , " carries the same infamous reputation according to Albus Dumbledore , who , apropos to this story , once told Mr . Potter , " Curiosity is no sin , Harry . " |
I was going to write an entry about the regret I sometimes feel . Regretting that my life is not going the way I planned years ago . But then I got to thinking , how did I not see this coming ? How did I not know I was gay ? I mean really , all the signs were there . All anyone would have to do is analyze my TV watching habits . Remember these guys ? Back when Johnny Depp was cute . This is the cast of " 21 Jump Street " Back then I watched this show all the time , but I didn 't give a shit about Johnny whats - his - face , I was watching Dustin Nguyen ( the Asian guy ) . I don 't remember his character 's name , but I remember watching all the scenes he was in with great interest . I used to watch Baywatch too , but by then I was already married . I knew some guys who watched it for the hot chicks on there but not me . In later seasons I had another excuse to watch . See the guy on the right in the picture . He 's Mike Bergin . Before working on Baywatch , he was the Calvin Klein underwear model that replaced Marky Mark ( Marc Walberg ) . Here is another picture of him . I watched because he is crazy hot , right ? But there is another reason . I 've seen him naked . In fact , I have seen him naked lots of times . No . Not pictures on the Internet . I know Mike personally , or at least I used to . In fairness I have not seen him in 20 years , but I am sure he would remember me . You see in my first 2 years of college , he lived in my dorm , in the room directly across the hall . We ( and 50 other guys ) shared a bathroom with an open shower . Many times our schedule would match in the morning before class we would happen to be there at the same time . Mike is not gay and the only sex I ever had with him was in my head . He did look this good in school , maybe not quite as ripped . I would sometimes hang out with him , almost always in a group with other friends , but it 's not like we were best buddies or anything . I was a Star Trek fan ( I still am ) and I may have started watching " TJ Hooker " because it had William Shatner in it , but I kept watching for the other guy . This black underwear scene was in the very first episode and in the opening credits , there was about 2 seconds of this guy with his shirt off . I never wanted to miss that . Don 't get me started on the crush I had on Eddie Van Halen . Have you seen him recently . YIKES ! ! I 'm glad that love affair didn 't work out . He has not aged well . It 's all so clear to me now , all these years later . I was clearly gay back then and so far in denial , even in my own head . If this is not proof that people are born gay , that it is hard wired into our heads , then I don 't know what is . I guess if there is anything to be regretful for , it 's that I did not see the signs for myself . That I allowed myself to ignore my true self and pretend enough to marry a women and start a family . If I had been less afraid , I could have come out when I was younger . My life would have been so much different . I have been following Brent 's blog A Journey by myself for a long time now . Our situations are similar on some levels . He has a hard time meeting men . He meets them online but when it comes time to meet them in person he doesn 't follow through . When I was looking for men to hook up with , I never had any problem making the jump from online to in person . I think that 's because , at the time , the goals of me and the other guy were the same : Anonymous , no strings sex . I knew what he wanted and he knew what I wanted . It was simple . I did not have to expend energy getting to know him and I did not have to open myself ( emotionally ) to him . I didn 't even really care if he liked me or not . That was my mind set when I arranged my last hook up ( over 2 1 / 2 years ago ) , but something unexpected happened that day . I fell in love . Needless to say , I don 't meet men ( or anyone ) for hook ups anymore . But now I have another problem . I need to find some gay friends . Any friends would do really , but gay friends would be better . Right now I have 2 friends . T and K . That is not a wide enough circle . I 'm also looking ahead . I like to be around people . I like to be included in things . There will come a day when K and I won 't live together and I will lose that daily contact . T is a busy guy and we won 't live together anytime soon . At best , I will see him 2 or 3 times a week . My kids are aging rapidly and will soon look at me as more of a wallet and car key holder than anything else . All that means a lot of time by myself . I need to be part of a network . Most people build those when they are young . I 'm way behind . I could go to one of the several gay bars in the nearby city , but I have never been to any of them . Well , not by myself anyway . This is where I am more lined up with Brent 's situation . Before I met T , I was seeing another man . Let 's call him Jake . Jake and I would get together about once a month or so . And one of the places we would go was this gay bar . It was a low key place with pool tables and even an outdoor bar out back . It was a little run down but had a comfortable feel . Most all the guys there were well over 30 ( really old in gay years ) . One thing that was cool about going with Jake was he seemed to know lots of people there . It turns out he used to hang out there a lot . He would usually go by himself , hanging out for hours and talking to the people that were there . I don 't have the courage to go alone to places like large groups or bars by myself with the intention of meeting people . It 's especially intimidating if I think the people there will immediately recognize me as an outsider . I know I need to get over it and just do it . I know that is how I will meet people . But it 's scary for me . I can see myself sitting in the parking lot of a gay bar by myself for a while before eventually driving away . Just like Brent did the other night . Part of it is , I am just not the bar type . I mean it is fun to go with others as a destination , but to meet random people . . . ? That 's just not me . Last night I went to T 's house again . That 's 2 days in a row ! ! ! I will talk about the significance of that in a minute . A month or so ago I wrote about a dinner I had at his house and they had a soup that I really liked . I used this picture which is Pho , but the soup I had was something else . Last night I did have Pho . And it was yummy . T 's mom made everything and there was even fresh Vietnamese basil that she grew in her garden . They served me a huge bowl and I when it was gone I was stuffed . T 's parents are not entirely comfortable with me dating T . It 's not me personally , it 's really that they are not comfortable with their son having a boyfriend . Everyone at his house has always been polite and nice to me , but I could tell there was discomfort . T would sometimes get push back if he saw me too much , more than once a week . Thursday , I drove down to his house and stayed a couple house . I could not stay too late since both of us had to work in the morning and I have a hour drive . We snuggled on the couch in his family room where he forced me to watch Project Runway ( I am not gay enough to enjoy that yet . ) . In truth I did not care what we watched I just liked being with him . As I was leaving for the night I noticed a gigantic squash on the kitchen counter . I asked about and made a comment . T 's mom talked to me about it . T had to translate most of it , but the point is she was talking to me . She invited me back the next day for dinner . Yesterday , ( Friday ) I went back . When I arrived dinner was ready and it looked like everyone was waiting for me . Again I was made to feel welcome with his dad offering me a glass of wine . His mom made a point of telling me , in English , that it was a spice from her country that she grew in her garden . It was the most she had said to me at one time ever . Progress ! ! After dinner we hung out in his bedroom . He had worked on he brought home to finish but it was nice being there with him . Sometimes I closed my eyes and pretended that it was our house and our room . I took the day off from work . ( Mental health day ) I had gone to see T last night and when I get back , K and I talked for a long time before I went to bed . We talked about my visit with T and her last conversation with AJ . We talked like twin siblings ( the really close kids ) who each got back from their respective dates . Pinch me I am must be dreaming ! ! ! I always hoped but I was never sure it would actually happen . I was telling K about my date with a man I love and not worried about it . Not wondering if I need to be careful about what I say . I can tell her everything now and it 's ok . ( Note to T : When I say " everything " I 'm only talking about the PG rated stuff . ) A year ago , K was convinced she was going to become the crazy cat lady from the " Simpson 's " . Now , as she talks about AJ , it is clear she is not really worried about that anymore . Its not like they are ready to move in together , but it is clear they each see the other in the future . It 's really nice for all of us . She told me not long ago , " You can 't be happier , faster than me ! " . The truth is I was but I hid it so as not to make her feel bad . Now I am in a place where I can talk to her about my feelings . My real feelings . I told her last night that I was happier than I have been in a long time . She hit me . She punched me in the arm . . . hard and said " If you had only listened to me two FREAKING years ago . . . " . She went on to say how the 2 years of limbo could have been avoided if I had only trusted her and come to terms with myself sooner . We did not rehash that any further . Another thing I did not ask , but I thought quietly to myself was : Is she happier than than she was before I came out as gay , but while I was " exploring " ? I suspect she is . At that time she told me on more than one occasion that she felt like furniture . She was miserable . I did not have the passion for her that I should and frankly sex was not that good . Now , AJ is curling her toes and when I am with T , things feel natural , comfortable and passionate . AJ looks at her with type of love in his eyes that she wants to see . She knows I love her , but now she understands the nature of my love . So the bottom line question for today is , was it worth it ? Was all the pain , confusion , distress , anger and hurt worth it ? From where I am sitting today and looking back , it absolutely was . When I was in school , I was the kids that everyone picked on . I don 't really know why , it 's just the way it was . I was not really like most of the other boys , but I don 't think it was a gay thing . I am not now , nor was I then , feminine , in any way . I liked to play with MatchBox cars and other boy toys . I was not good at sports and was always a little uncoordinated . I was the last kid picked in gym class for every team . I was the first kid to get hit when playing dodge ball . I remember being picked on all the way through school . I remember being called fagot and many other names . I don 't think anyone actually thought I was gay , I just think that was a hurtful name and they used it . In 5th grade I started playing the clarinet . I remember that some of my " friends ' from school used to think it was funny sneak up behind me and pull the latch on the case to watch the clarinet fall out in pieces onto the road . I never thought it was funny . It was times like that , I preferred just being ignored . That 's what happened most of the time . Almost no one talked to me . I remember walking through the always in middle school and high school and getting hit . Occasionally I would get punched . Not like a fight and I never resulted in injury beyond a bruise , but is was enough to make me scared a lot of the time . I knew the teachers knew what was going on . I think the truth is , most of them just didn 't care . For them , it was just a question of statistics . Within any large group of kids a certain percentage will be popular . A certain percentage will be dorks . A certain percentage will be jocks and a certain percentage won 't . A large percentage will just be average . A certain percentage will be brains and a certain percentage will be stoners . A certain percentage will be bullies and a certain percentage will be targets . From their perspective it , someone had to be the target , it might as well have been me . They did nothing to stop it . Not one offered to help me . Not one offered me reassurance that everything would be OK . No bully ever goHigh school was a little better . I had a small circle of friends I was able to hang out with . That helped me some in school , and I was also able to hang out with them outside of school . When I was 16 I started working . I got a job at a local grocery store and then later at McDonald 's . Most of the people I worked with did not know me from school , or they were from other towns . They did not know I was the kid that got beat up every day . I was able to make some friends . All in all school was hell for me . I remember K saying many times that high school was the best time of her life . I have heard that from others too . There were several points when I did contemplate killing myself . I determined the best way would be to run the car my dad 's old pickup with the garage door closed . I did not know how long that would take , but I knew that I did not have the courage to cut myself or hang myself . I did not have access to a gun , and there weren 't a lot of pills in the house . The truck was the way to go . My father 's garage was large and I thought it might take too long to get the job done . So I thought up ways speed things up . I could take the vent hose from dryer and run it from the exhaust pipe to the cab of the truck . In the end I did not have the courage to go through with it . But I do know the feelings that can drive a teenager to that very dark place . A place where is seems there is only one way out . After high school , I went to college . Only one or two people from my high school went to my college and since it was a huge school , I never saw them . This was where my life turned around . I was able to discover myself ( mostly ) . I was able to be myself ( mostly ) . I had friends . People invited me to hang out with them . It was like a whole other world . I made lots of friends in my dorm . I joined a Fraternity . I went to parties and did all the things that " normal " kids to in college . I learned how to really interact with people and I developed real confidence in myself . Going to college really did save my life . I don 't know if there are any teenagers reading my blog or blogs like mine . I 'm not sure I would have at that age , ( There was no such thing as blogs then , or the internet for that matter . ) but if there is even one , there is a message here . It DOES get better . Even as fucked up as my life has been over the last 2 years , it 's is still a pretty good life . If I had the courage to do myself in in high school when things were bad , I would have missed out on so much . Hang in there . It will pass and when you are out of school , things that seem important now , really aren 't . Of course I would prefer it if we could stop the bullying . I really do . But the reality is that some people will take advantage of someone weaker then themselves . Today it may be easier to get a teacher or school administrator to listen to you . With the internet , there are places you can go and connect with people who can help . There are places like this blog where you can read about an average schlub like me , who managed to make it out OK . On Thursday I was able to obtain tickets for the NASCAR race that K wanted to go to . The company I work for gets comp tickets for lots of events and I was able to get a pair . She is happy I got the tickets and I am happy I did not have to compromise and pay for them . Win / win all around . K was pretty excited when I told her , but that excitement evaporated when she talked to AJ and he could not go with her . She checked with several of her friends and struck out each time . She did not ask me if I could go because she knew I had plans with T that evening . In the end , she went to the race with the our oldest son . He had a really good time , and she was OK . I think she would have liked it better if an adult with with her . In the mean time , T and I went out . The past few times we have been together , it has either been at his house or my house . Last night we went out for a little alone time . We ate at a Malaysian place . We had been there before , but not in a long time . I am not going to post the menu every time we eat , but dinner was so good , I wanted to share . The place was busy but the bar was mostly empty so we sat there . I thought it was especially nice because , I could sit next to him rather than across . To make it better , there was a mirror behind the bar and I could see him in it . : - ) I could also see the front door right behind me . While were were eating I saw these two guys walk in . One was white and the other looked middle eastern . My gaydar immediately started to ping . There were still no tables and I guess they did not want to wait either so they took seats at the other end of the L - shaped bar . I whispered to T that I thought they might be together . He told me " of course " they are together . They were a white guy and a non - white guy together so they must be gay . ( I think he may be joking about that , but my gaydar usually confirms the theory ) I did not mean to but I found myself looking over at them a lot . T mentioned that he noticed after we left . I have written about it before that I am fascinated by gay couples . I know I kept looking over there , but I was not looking at either of them individually , I was looking at them as a couple . I was looking , first , for signs they were in fact a couple . ( I did not find any overt signs ) . Then I was looking at how they interacted with each other . I could tell they were friendly , not too friendly , but I could tell they were leaning in to each other more than straight guys usually to . Even though I am in a gay relationship , I am still fascinated with them in others . I guess it 's because all my role models for relationships have been heterosexual . While I am very comfortable being with T and comfortable with our relationship and where it is heading ( for the most part ) , I really am just making this up as I go along . I guess in a way , our relationship is more pure this way . We don 't have a lot of baggage about what it should be . We are finding our own way . That said , I still wish we hand another gay couple or 2 to hang out with . Someday maybe . I got home just before midnight and all the kid were asleep . K and oldest son got home about 12 : 30 . He when straight to bed . K and I talked for a little while , and then we went to bed . I was up to late , but I went to sleep happy . There is a big NASCAR coming to the nearby city this weekend . I could really give a crap less , but K really likes it . They have two big races a year here , and for the past several years I have had tickets . My company is a large NASCAR sponsor and for several years I got tickets for free . The past couple of races I have had to buy them and usually I have gone with her to the races . As I said , I really don 't care about the race , but I go because she likes it . This year she is short on cash , mostly because she and AJ ( and his daughter ) are taking a cruise during the week of Thanksgiving . The final payment was due at the end of September . Because she did not get tickets sooner and there was no opportunity for me to get free ones at work , she finds herself with no tickets and no money to buy them . She even prefers the cheap seats and she cannot scrap up the money . AJ has recently changed jobs and he is short on cash too , and unable to buy them for her . I have a little money . Not a lot , but I could come up with the $ 140 for two tickets for her and AJ . Why would I do that ? Because it would make her happy . It 's almost like a habit . When she needs something , or wants something , I usually find a way to get it . Now , don 't get the wrong idea . I am not running out buying everything she sees and she is not asking for everything , but something like this race is special and would really give her a lot of joy . And not only that , next week is her birthday . ( A big one too . ) This afternoon I went online at work . I checked to see if I got any discounts because of my employer ( I didn 't ) . I then went to the track 's website and looked up tickets that are similar to ones we have had in the past . I click the " add to cart " button and pulled out my wallet . Then I thought a minute . I am not responsible for making her happy . She can make herself happy . She has plenty of her own money and if she wanted the tickets she can buy them herself . She is a big girl and she does not need me doing that for her . Besides , I really do have other things I need to do with that money . There are other bills that would be delayed because of money diverted to these tickets . Once upon a time , it would not have mattered . I would have bought the tickets and I would have figured out the rest later . I have to stop doing that . I need to take care of me and my responsibilities . My responsibility to her is to support her while she finishes school . Anything after that , is something she can take care of herself . I guess this is another step in letting go . I have been thinking about last Saturday night . We had AJ and K sitting together by the fire . There were sitting very close . Much of the time AJ had his hand on K 's knee and a couple time I caught K rubbing his arm . With all these little displays of affection , sooner or later the kids are going to notice . They are going to wonder what is going on with K and AJ . I am starting to think that we should get out in front of this and tell them that AJ is special to K and that the two of them are dating . My kids will understand that . Maybe not my daughter , who is 6 , but the others will . K and I talked about that last week and I think we are generally in agreement about it . When we talked about it though , she asked the next question . Lately I see T about 1 . 5 times a week on average . When I leave the house I always tell them I am leaving and if they ask where I am going , I always tell them the truth . I tell them I am going to see T . Now I do not tell them what we are doing , sexual or otherwise , and they do not ask . I think from their perspective I am visiting a friend just like they would . In fact , my older boys have a friend that lives down the street they visit sometimes every day . They play video games and do other teenage boy stuff . By far , they play with this one kid more than any other kid in the neighborhood . So from that perspective , they probably don 't see anything strange about my activities . I am getting ready to tell the kids that I am gay . I think I am ready for it . What I do not know is if THEY are ready for it . Really they are the last people that matter in my life I need to come out to before I can really come out . I have a lot of old friends who do not know about me and I have been holding off because my kids don 't yet . I really don 't want them finding out from anyone other than me and K . I also would like for K and us to do it together so they can see that we still support each other and that we ( me , K and the kids ) will remain a family even if things are different from before . Last night was a first for me . Both AJ and T were at the house . . . at the same time . I was eager to see how it would go to have my boyfriend and K 's boyfriend at the house at the same time . I spent most of the day preparing . We ( K , the kids and me ) spend the morning cleaning the house . I then got supplies at the store and then spent the rest of the afternoon cooking . I made the same corn chowder that T refers to as " Onion Soup " , only this time I made it with about the half the onions . I also made a chicken chili and corn bread . I bought bread to go with the soup , sourdough and crusty French . I know that T really likes bread that is crusty on the outside and soft on the inside . I also made some chicken chili . That was a new recipe and while it was OK , I doubt I would make it again . T showed up with an ice cream cake that generated smiles from the kids ( and me ) . We did not all eat together , K was not hungry and AJ ate while T and I ran to store for a forgotten item . T and I ate when we get back . K and AJ sat with us and we chatted some . After dinner I lit a fire in the backyard and we all sat around it talking . AJ , it turns out was a talker . T did not have a lot to say and I thought he was bored . He later assured me he was not . It was not the vision of the future , but it was really good . There was no awkwardness and I don 't think anyone felt uncomfortable . I was really happy about it . T works on Saturdays so I knew he was tired , so I was not surprised when he told be he had to leave early . I would have preferred he stay longer , but I understood . It was a really good night . Another part of my dream came true . K has been a flurry of activity since the middle of August when both her sports season and her classes started at the same time . Add that to her full time job at the church and her responsibilities with the kids , she has a lot she has to do . Then are the things she wants to do . She has not ridden her horse in some time and she is falling in love with AJ and would love to see him more . Tonight we are planning to have AJ & T over for dinner . She looked around the house and it was not up to her cleanliness standards so we started working early . As he worked she got more and more stressed and I asked her to relax a little . " No ! I don 't think you understand how stressed I am ! " she said . " No ! You don 't . " She always says that too , but this time she also said , " You don 't know because we don 't talk . " Whoa ! ! That took me by surprise . I mean , I knew we had not had a lot of deep talks lately but with all her stuff going on and my my work , I thought it was just that . Last week I made a point to take her out to lunch . It was nice and we talked some , but not about anything that was bothering her . I was unable to get her to tell me what was on her mind . All she would say was something like she needed to figure out some things out on her own . What the hell does THAT mean ? Of course I start thinking the worst , but nothing else in her actions , tone , or attitude suggest anything is going on that is serious . I am probably reading too much into it . I probably just need to relax . I should just be there for her if she needs me and leave her alone if she doesn 't . Sounds simple , but for so many years I was the one she came to when she had any kind of problem . I guess that was bound to change as that role changes from me to AJ . There is a part of me that sometimes wishes I was straight . That still wishes for a normal life . That is proud to be married to the same woman for a long time . And every once in a while , I think maybe I could just go back in the closet for a while . Friday night K had gone out with AJ to a concert . I stayed home with the kids and made a camp fire in the back yard . I hung out with the kids some , but spent most of the time alone . The next morning the after everyone had been up for a while I went up to K 's room . She was up but had not gotten out of bed yet . I laid down on the bed next to her ( in my old spot ) and we talked about her evening . As we talked , she came over and snuggled next to me . Her head was on my chest and we talked like that for about 20 min . It was nice and for a few min I even forgot she was telling about about her date with her boyfriend . Then we got up and started about our day , running errands with the kids and normal Saturday stuff . Things were back to " normal " and I did not think much else about it . Later in the day I was meeting T . I met him at his office , we went out for dinner and then to his house for the rest of the evening . I hooked up his Blue - Ray player and set up his Wii . These has been in boxes since he moved to his new house . In his basement there is a really nice entertainment room with a big TV and a super comfy couch with a shitload of pillows . We put in a comedy DVD and we snuggled on the couch . I felt safe , comfortable and loved in his arms . As we were there together , I thought about what a dream come true it is . This was something that I fantasized about so many times for so many years . I was alone with a man who really loved me and I really loved . I really felt that " in love " feeling people talk about . There was a warmth between us . A warmth that was more than just our bodies being together ( No , we were not naked ) . It was a warmth in my soul that is difficult to describe in words . Then I thought about being with K earlier in the day . It was nice to be there with her . It felt comfortable and relaxed as we talked . It felt much like it had for the past 17 years . Comfortable and relaxed . When I was with T , however , there was electricity between us . There was not just a spark , but current flowing . There was a desire in my heart to be closer to him . When he got up , even for a moment , there was a real empty feeling and a yearning for him to return . As I drove home at the end of the evening , I knew I was making the right choices for my life . I knew that I am gay . I knew that I liked the feelings I was feeling and I wanted more of them . As much as I have always loved ( and continue to love ) K , I am in love with a man . I am in love with T . The feeling in my heart are not the same . I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible |
I was going to write an entry about the regret I sometimes feel . Regretting that my life is not going the way I planned years ago . But then I got to thinking , how did I not see this coming ? How did I not know I was gay ? I mean really , all the signs were there . All anyone would have to do is analyze my TV watching habits . Remember these guys ? Back when Johnny Depp was cute . This is the cast of " 21 Jump Street " Back then I watched this show all the time , but I didn 't give a shit about Johnny whats - his - face , I was watching Dustin Nguyen ( the Asian guy ) . I don 't remember his character 's name , but I remember watching all the scenes he was in with great interest . I used to watch Baywatch too , but by then I was already married . I knew some guys who watched it for the hot chicks on there but not me . In later seasons I had another excuse to watch . See the guy on the right in the picture . He 's Mike Bergin . Before working on Baywatch , he was the Calvin Klein underwear model that replaced Marky Mark ( Marc Walberg ) . Here is another picture of him . I watched because he is crazy hot , right ? But there is another reason . I 've seen him naked . In fact , I have seen him naked lots of times . No . Not pictures on the Internet . I know Mike personally , or at least I used to . In fairness I have not seen him in 20 years , but I am sure he would remember me . You see in my first 2 years of college , he lived in my dorm , in the room directly across the hall . We ( and 50 other guys ) shared a bathroom with an open shower . Many times our schedule would match in the morning before class we would happen to be there at the same time . Mike is not gay and the only sex I ever had with him was in my head . He did look this good in school , maybe not quite as ripped . I would sometimes hang out with him , almost always in a group with other friends , but it 's not like we were best buddies or anything . I was a Star Trek fan ( I still am ) and I may have started watching " TJ Hooker " because it had William Shatner in it , but I kept watching for the other guy . This black underwear scene was in the very first episode and in the opening credits , there was about 2 seconds of this guy with his shirt off . I never wanted to miss that . Don 't get me started on the crush I had on Eddie Van Halen . Have you seen him recently . YIKES ! ! I 'm glad that love affair didn 't work out . He has not aged well . It 's all so clear to me now , all these years later . I was clearly gay back then and so far in denial , even in my own head . If this is not proof that people are born gay , that it is hard wired into our heads , then I don 't know what is . I guess if there is anything to be regretful for , it 's that I did not see the signs for myself . That I allowed myself to ignore my true self and pretend enough to marry a women and start a family . If I had been less afraid , I could have come out when I was younger . My life would have been so much different . I have been following Brent 's blog A Journey by myself for a long time now . Our situations are similar on some levels . He has a hard time meeting men . He meets them online but when it comes time to meet them in person he doesn 't follow through . When I was looking for men to hook up with , I never had any problem making the jump from online to in person . I think that 's because , at the time , the goals of me and the other guy were the same : Anonymous , no strings sex . I knew what he wanted and he knew what I wanted . It was simple . I did not have to expend energy getting to know him and I did not have to open myself ( emotionally ) to him . I didn 't even really care if he liked me or not . That was my mind set when I arranged my last hook up ( over 2 1 / 2 years ago ) , but something unexpected happened that day . I fell in love . Needless to say , I don 't meet men ( or anyone ) for hook ups anymore . But now I have another problem . I need to find some gay friends . Any friends would do really , but gay friends would be better . Right now I have 2 friends . T and K . That is not a wide enough circle . I 'm also looking ahead . I like to be around people . I like to be included in things . There will come a day when K and I won 't live together and I will lose that daily contact . T is a busy guy and we won 't live together anytime soon . At best , I will see him 2 or 3 times a week . My kids are aging rapidly and will soon look at me as more of a wallet and car key holder than anything else . All that means a lot of time by myself . I need to be part of a network . Most people build those when they are young . I 'm way behind . I could go to one of the several gay bars in the nearby city , but I have never been to any of them . Well , not by myself anyway . This is where I am more lined up with Brent 's situation . Before I met T , I was seeing another man . Let 's call him Jake . Jake and I would get together about once a month or so . And one of the places we would go was this gay bar . It was a low key place with pool tables and even an outdoor bar out back . It was a little run down but had a comfortable feel . Most all the guys there were well over 30 ( really old in gay years ) . One thing that was cool about going with Jake was he seemed to know lots of people there . It turns out he used to hang out there a lot . He would usually go by himself , hanging out for hours and talking to the people that were there . I don 't have the courage to go alone to places like large groups or bars by myself with the intention of meeting people . It 's especially intimidating if I think the people there will immediately recognize me as an outsider . I know I need to get over it and just do it . I know that is how I will meet people . But it 's scary for me . I can see myself sitting in the parking lot of a gay bar by myself for a while before eventually driving away . Just like Brent did the other night . Part of it is , I am just not the bar type . I mean it is fun to go with others as a destination , but to meet random people . . . ? That 's just not me . Last night I went to T 's house again . That 's 2 days in a row ! ! ! I will talk about the significance of that in a minute . A month or so ago I wrote about a dinner I had at his house and they had a soup that I really liked . I used this picture which is Pho , but the soup I had was something else . Last night I did have Pho . And it was yummy . T 's mom made everything and there was even fresh Vietnamese basil that she grew in her garden . They served me a huge bowl and I when it was gone I was stuffed . T 's parents are not entirely comfortable with me dating T . It 's not me personally , it 's really that they are not comfortable with their son having a boyfriend . Everyone at his house has always been polite and nice to me , but I could tell there was discomfort . T would sometimes get push back if he saw me too much , more than once a week . Thursday , I drove down to his house and stayed a couple house . I could not stay too late since both of us had to work in the morning and I have a hour drive . We snuggled on the couch in his family room where he forced me to watch Project Runway ( I am not gay enough to enjoy that yet . ) . In truth I did not care what we watched I just liked being with him . As I was leaving for the night I noticed a gigantic squash on the kitchen counter . I asked about and made a comment . T 's mom talked to me about it . T had to translate most of it , but the point is she was talking to me . She invited me back the next day for dinner . Yesterday , ( Friday ) I went back . When I arrived dinner was ready and it looked like everyone was waiting for me . Again I was made to feel welcome with his dad offering me a glass of wine . His mom made a point of telling me , in English , that it was a spice from her country that she grew in her garden . It was the most she had said to me at one time ever . Progress ! ! After dinner we hung out in his bedroom . He had worked on he brought home to finish but it was nice being there with him . Sometimes I closed my eyes and pretended that it was our house and our room . I took the day off from work . ( Mental health day ) I had gone to see T last night and when I get back , K and I talked for a long time before I went to bed . We talked about my visit with T and her last conversation with AJ . We talked like twin siblings ( the really close kids ) who each got back from their respective dates . Pinch me I am must be dreaming ! ! ! I always hoped but I was never sure it would actually happen . I was telling K about my date with a man I love and not worried about it . Not wondering if I need to be careful about what I say . I can tell her everything now and it 's ok . ( Note to T : When I say " everything " I 'm only talking about the PG rated stuff . ) A year ago , K was convinced she was going to become the crazy cat lady from the " Simpson 's " . Now , as she talks about AJ , it is clear she is not really worried about that anymore . Its not like they are ready to move in together , but it is clear they each see the other in the future . It 's really nice for all of us . She told me not long ago , " You can 't be happier , faster than me ! " . The truth is I was but I hid it so as not to make her feel bad . Now I am in a place where I can talk to her about my feelings . My real feelings . I told her last night that I was happier than I have been in a long time . She hit me . She punched me in the arm . . . hard and said " If you had only listened to me two FREAKING years ago . . . " . She went on to say how the 2 years of limbo could have been avoided if I had only trusted her and come to terms with myself sooner . We did not rehash that any further . Another thing I did not ask , but I thought quietly to myself was : Is she happier than than she was before I came out as gay , but while I was " exploring " ? I suspect she is . At that time she told me on more than one occasion that she felt like furniture . She was miserable . I did not have the passion for her that I should and frankly sex was not that good . Now , AJ is curling her toes and when I am with T , things feel natural , comfortable and passionate . AJ looks at her with type of love in his eyes that she wants to see . She knows I love her , but now she understands the nature of my love . So the bottom line question for today is , was it worth it ? Was all the pain , confusion , distress , anger and hurt worth it ? From where I am sitting today and looking back , it absolutely was . When I was in school , I was the kids that everyone picked on . I don 't really know why , it 's just the way it was . I was not really like most of the other boys , but I don 't think it was a gay thing . I am not now , nor was I then , feminine , in any way . I liked to play with MatchBox cars and other boy toys . I was not good at sports and was always a little uncoordinated . I was the last kid picked in gym class for every team . I was the first kid to get hit when playing dodge ball . I remember being picked on all the way through school . I remember being called fagot and many other names . I don 't think anyone actually thought I was gay , I just think that was a hurtful name and they used it . In 5th grade I started playing the clarinet . I remember that some of my " friends ' from school used to think it was funny sneak up behind me and pull the latch on the case to watch the clarinet fall out in pieces onto the road . I never thought it was funny . It was times like that , I preferred just being ignored . That 's what happened most of the time . Almost no one talked to me . I remember walking through the always in middle school and high school and getting hit . Occasionally I would get punched . Not like a fight and I never resulted in injury beyond a bruise , but is was enough to make me scared a lot of the time . I knew the teachers knew what was going on . I think the truth is , most of them just didn 't care . For them , it was just a question of statistics . Within any large group of kids a certain percentage will be popular . A certain percentage will be dorks . A certain percentage will be jocks and a certain percentage won 't . A large percentage will just be average . A certain percentage will be brains and a certain percentage will be stoners . A certain percentage will be bullies and a certain percentage will be targets . From their perspective it , someone had to be the target , it might as well have been me . They did nothing to stop it . Not one offered to help me . Not one offered me reassurance that everything would be OK . No bully ever goHigh school was a little better . I had a small circle of friends I was able to hang out with . That helped me some in school , and I was also able to hang out with them outside of school . When I was 16 I started working . I got a job at a local grocery store and then later at McDonald 's . Most of the people I worked with did not know me from school , or they were from other towns . They did not know I was the kid that got beat up every day . I was able to make some friends . All in all school was hell for me . I remember K saying many times that high school was the best time of her life . I have heard that from others too . There were several points when I did contemplate killing myself . I determined the best way would be to run the car my dad 's old pickup with the garage door closed . I did not know how long that would take , but I knew that I did not have the courage to cut myself or hang myself . I did not have access to a gun , and there weren 't a lot of pills in the house . The truck was the way to go . My father 's garage was large and I thought it might take too long to get the job done . So I thought up ways speed things up . I could take the vent hose from dryer and run it from the exhaust pipe to the cab of the truck . In the end I did not have the courage to go through with it . But I do know the feelings that can drive a teenager to that very dark place . A place where is seems there is only one way out . After high school , I went to college . Only one or two people from my high school went to my college and since it was a huge school , I never saw them . This was where my life turned around . I was able to discover myself ( mostly ) . I was able to be myself ( mostly ) . I had friends . People invited me to hang out with them . It was like a whole other world . I made lots of friends in my dorm . I joined a Fraternity . I went to parties and did all the things that " normal " kids to in college . I learned how to really interact with people and I developed real confidence in myself . Going to college really did save my life . I don 't know if there are any teenagers reading my blog or blogs like mine . I 'm not sure I would have at that age , ( There was no such thing as blogs then , or the internet for that matter . ) but if there is even one , there is a message here . It DOES get better . Even as fucked up as my life has been over the last 2 years , it 's is still a pretty good life . If I had the courage to do myself in in high school when things were bad , I would have missed out on so much . Hang in there . It will pass and when you are out of school , things that seem important now , really aren 't . Of course I would prefer it if we could stop the bullying . I really do . But the reality is that some people will take advantage of someone weaker then themselves . Today it may be easier to get a teacher or school administrator to listen to you . With the internet , there are places you can go and connect with people who can help . There are places like this blog where you can read about an average schlub like me , who managed to make it out OK . On Thursday I was able to obtain tickets for the NASCAR race that K wanted to go to . The company I work for gets comp tickets for lots of events and I was able to get a pair . She is happy I got the tickets and I am happy I did not have to compromise and pay for them . Win / win all around . K was pretty excited when I told her , but that excitement evaporated when she talked to AJ and he could not go with her . She checked with several of her friends and struck out each time . She did not ask me if I could go because she knew I had plans with T that evening . In the end , she went to the race with the our oldest son . He had a really good time , and she was OK . I think she would have liked it better if an adult with with her . In the mean time , T and I went out . The past few times we have been together , it has either been at his house or my house . Last night we went out for a little alone time . We ate at a Malaysian place . We had been there before , but not in a long time . I am not going to post the menu every time we eat , but dinner was so good , I wanted to share . The place was busy but the bar was mostly empty so we sat there . I thought it was especially nice because , I could sit next to him rather than across . To make it better , there was a mirror behind the bar and I could see him in it . : - ) I could also see the front door right behind me . While were were eating I saw these two guys walk in . One was white and the other looked middle eastern . My gaydar immediately started to ping . There were still no tables and I guess they did not want to wait either so they took seats at the other end of the L - shaped bar . I whispered to T that I thought they might be together . He told me " of course " they are together . They were a white guy and a non - white guy together so they must be gay . ( I think he may be joking about that , but my gaydar usually confirms the theory ) I did not mean to but I found myself looking over at them a lot . T mentioned that he noticed after we left . I have written about it before that I am fascinated by gay couples . I know I kept looking over there , but I was not looking at either of them individually , I was looking at them as a couple . I was looking , first , for signs they were in fact a couple . ( I did not find any overt signs ) . Then I was looking at how they interacted with each other . I could tell they were friendly , not too friendly , but I could tell they were leaning in to each other more than straight guys usually to . Even though I am in a gay relationship , I am still fascinated with them in others . I guess it 's because all my role models for relationships have been heterosexual . While I am very comfortable being with T and comfortable with our relationship and where it is heading ( for the most part ) , I really am just making this up as I go along . I guess in a way , our relationship is more pure this way . We don 't have a lot of baggage about what it should be . We are finding our own way . That said , I still wish we hand another gay couple or 2 to hang out with . Someday maybe . I got home just before midnight and all the kid were asleep . K and oldest son got home about 12 : 30 . He when straight to bed . K and I talked for a little while , and then we went to bed . I was up to late , but I went to sleep happy . There is a big NASCAR coming to the nearby city this weekend . I could really give a crap less , but K really likes it . They have two big races a year here , and for the past several years I have had tickets . My company is a large NASCAR sponsor and for several years I got tickets for free . The past couple of races I have had to buy them and usually I have gone with her to the races . As I said , I really don 't care about the race , but I go because she likes it . This year she is short on cash , mostly because she and AJ ( and his daughter ) are taking a cruise during the week of Thanksgiving . The final payment was due at the end of September . Because she did not get tickets sooner and there was no opportunity for me to get free ones at work , she finds herself with no tickets and no money to buy them . She even prefers the cheap seats and she cannot scrap up the money . AJ has recently changed jobs and he is short on cash too , and unable to buy them for her . I have a little money . Not a lot , but I could come up with the $ 140 for two tickets for her and AJ . Why would I do that ? Because it would make her happy . It 's almost like a habit . When she needs something , or wants something , I usually find a way to get it . Now , don 't get the wrong idea . I am not running out buying everything she sees and she is not asking for everything , but something like this race is special and would really give her a lot of joy . And not only that , next week is her birthday . ( A big one too . ) This afternoon I went online at work . I checked to see if I got any discounts because of my employer ( I didn 't ) . I then went to the track 's website and looked up tickets that are similar to ones we have had in the past . I click the " add to cart " button and pulled out my wallet . Then I thought a minute . I am not responsible for making her happy . She can make herself happy . She has plenty of her own money and if she wanted the tickets she can buy them herself . She is a big girl and she does not need me doing that for her . Besides , I really do have other things I need to do with that money . There are other bills that would be delayed because of money diverted to these tickets . Once upon a time , it would not have mattered . I would have bought the tickets and I would have figured out the rest later . I have to stop doing that . I need to take care of me and my responsibilities . My responsibility to her is to support her while she finishes school . Anything after that , is something she can take care of herself . I guess this is another step in letting go . I have been thinking about last Saturday night . We had AJ and K sitting together by the fire . There were sitting very close . Much of the time AJ had his hand on K 's knee and a couple time I caught K rubbing his arm . With all these little displays of affection , sooner or later the kids are going to notice . They are going to wonder what is going on with K and AJ . I am starting to think that we should get out in front of this and tell them that AJ is special to K and that the two of them are dating . My kids will understand that . Maybe not my daughter , who is 6 , but the others will . K and I talked about that last week and I think we are generally in agreement about it . When we talked about it though , she asked the next question . Lately I see T about 1 . 5 times a week on average . When I leave the house I always tell them I am leaving and if they ask where I am going , I always tell them the truth . I tell them I am going to see T . Now I do not tell them what we are doing , sexual or otherwise , and they do not ask . I think from their perspective I am visiting a friend just like they would . In fact , my older boys have a friend that lives down the street they visit sometimes every day . They play video games and do other teenage boy stuff . By far , they play with this one kid more than any other kid in the neighborhood . So from that perspective , they probably don 't see anything strange about my activities . I am getting ready to tell the kids that I am gay . I think I am ready for it . What I do not know is if THEY are ready for it . Really they are the last people that matter in my life I need to come out to before I can really come out . I have a lot of old friends who do not know about me and I have been holding off because my kids don 't yet . I really don 't want them finding out from anyone other than me and K . I also would like for K and us to do it together so they can see that we still support each other and that we ( me , K and the kids ) will remain a family even if things are different from before . Last night was a first for me . Both AJ and T were at the house . . . at the same time . I was eager to see how it would go to have my boyfriend and K 's boyfriend at the house at the same time . I spent most of the day preparing . We ( K , the kids and me ) spend the morning cleaning the house . I then got supplies at the store and then spent the rest of the afternoon cooking . I made the same corn chowder that T refers to as " Onion Soup " , only this time I made it with about the half the onions . I also made a chicken chili and corn bread . I bought bread to go with the soup , sourdough and crusty French . I know that T really likes bread that is crusty on the outside and soft on the inside . I also made some chicken chili . That was a new recipe and while it was OK , I doubt I would make it again . T showed up with an ice cream cake that generated smiles from the kids ( and me ) . We did not all eat together , K was not hungry and AJ ate while T and I ran to store for a forgotten item . T and I ate when we get back . K and AJ sat with us and we chatted some . After dinner I lit a fire in the backyard and we all sat around it talking . AJ , it turns out was a talker . T did not have a lot to say and I thought he was bored . He later assured me he was not . It was not the vision of the future , but it was really good . There was no awkwardness and I don 't think anyone felt uncomfortable . I was really happy about it . T works on Saturdays so I knew he was tired , so I was not surprised when he told be he had to leave early . I would have preferred he stay longer , but I understood . It was a really good night . Another part of my dream came true . K has been a flurry of activity since the middle of August when both her sports season and her classes started at the same time . Add that to her full time job at the church and her responsibilities with the kids , she has a lot she has to do . Then are the things she wants to do . She has not ridden her horse in some time and she is falling in love with AJ and would love to see him more . Tonight we are planning to have AJ & T over for dinner . She looked around the house and it was not up to her cleanliness standards so we started working early . As he worked she got more and more stressed and I asked her to relax a little . " No ! I don 't think you understand how stressed I am ! " she said . " No ! You don 't . " She always says that too , but this time she also said , " You don 't know because we don 't talk . " Whoa ! ! That took me by surprise . I mean , I knew we had not had a lot of deep talks lately but with all her stuff going on and my my work , I thought it was just that . Last week I made a point to take her out to lunch . It was nice and we talked some , but not about anything that was bothering her . I was unable to get her to tell me what was on her mind . All she would say was something like she needed to figure out some things out on her own . What the hell does THAT mean ? Of course I start thinking the worst , but nothing else in her actions , tone , or attitude suggest anything is going on that is serious . I am probably reading too much into it . I probably just need to relax . I should just be there for her if she needs me and leave her alone if she doesn 't . Sounds simple , but for so many years I was the one she came to when she had any kind of problem . I guess that was bound to change as that role changes from me to AJ . There is a part of me that sometimes wishes I was straight . That still wishes for a normal life . That is proud to be married to the same woman for a long time . And every once in a while , I think maybe I could just go back in the closet for a while . Friday night K had gone out with AJ to a concert . I stayed home with the kids and made a camp fire in the back yard . I hung out with the kids some , but spent most of the time alone . The next morning the after everyone had been up for a while I went up to K 's room . She was up but had not gotten out of bed yet . I laid down on the bed next to her ( in my old spot ) and we talked about her evening . As we talked , she came over and snuggled next to me . Her head was on my chest and we talked like that for about 20 min . It was nice and for a few min I even forgot she was telling about about her date with her boyfriend . Then we got up and started about our day , running errands with the kids and normal Saturday stuff . Things were back to " normal " and I did not think much else about it . Later in the day I was meeting T . I met him at his office , we went out for dinner and then to his house for the rest of the evening . I hooked up his Blue - Ray player and set up his Wii . These has been in boxes since he moved to his new house . In his basement there is a really nice entertainment room with a big TV and a super comfy couch with a shitload of pillows . We put in a comedy DVD and we snuggled on the couch . I felt safe , comfortable and loved in his arms . As we were there together , I thought about what a dream come true it is . This was something that I fantasized about so many times for so many years . I was alone with a man who really loved me and I really loved . I really felt that " in love " feeling people talk about . There was a warmth between us . A warmth that was more than just our bodies being together ( No , we were not naked ) . It was a warmth in my soul that is difficult to describe in words . Then I thought about being with K earlier in the day . It was nice to be there with her . It felt comfortable and relaxed as we talked . It felt much like it had for the past 17 years . Comfortable and relaxed . When I was with T , however , there was electricity between us . There was not just a spark , but current flowing . There was a desire in my heart to be closer to him . When he got up , even for a moment , there was a real empty feeling and a yearning for him to return . As I drove home at the end of the evening , I knew I was making the right choices for my life . I knew that I am gay . I knew that I liked the feelings I was feeling and I wanted more of them . As much as I have always loved ( and continue to love ) K , I am in love with a man . I am in love with T . The feeling in my heart are not the same . I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible |
Sharing some moments with you , that caught my eye . My Annual shopping trip to San Francisco . My sister Jessica and my two nephews , Vincent and Evan were here for a quick visit before heading back to the bay area . How they have grown ! From this angle in our home , you can see both of our trees . Little Miss Simone is never too far from me . She is my little shadow . As I walked into the living room on Christmas morning , there was an extra Christmas stocking from Santa , and it had my name on it ! I almost cried as I opened each little gift . Santa put so much thought into each one . I still giggle and tears come to my eyes as I think about the detail . Charlie would chime in as I opened the gifts how what it was made out of was only the best ; such as the stainless steel metal , and a bamboo handle . Too cute ! There were back - to - back movies featuring Cary Grant on TMC . He kept me company as I put the Christmas ornaments away ; the good man he is / was . Another Christmas come and gone . As the saying goes , " Until next year . " I was asked to take some pictures of a wedding held in the evening . I was nervous to say the least . I don 't have my red eye down or low lights for that matter and started practicing taking photos up until the event . I am used to taking pictures of butterfly 's and flowers or people during the day . It was a good experience . Charlie will ask me from time to time to take some pictures of his work . Later , he will ask if we could print them to show some clients . Afterwards they will either get thrown away or the clients will keep them . I decided to create a blog for him and post photos of his work so that his clients can see and read first - hand what his recent clients thought of his work . It is a work in progress but , I have had fun working on it . This is an addition he just finished . It is the part higher than the other two that he added . If you didn 't know , I don 't think anyone would ever know this house was added onto . This is the back side of the finished project . And this is the finished work on the inside of this particular area . He also added a wine cellar and a bathroom , did the wood floor and changed / added some windows . We have our very own Poinsettia Greenhouse Nursery in the town I live . Every year I have gotten a Christmas card from where I work , with a gift certificate in it for a Christmas Poinsettia . They aren 't my favorite flower , but I do have fond memories of them from when my grandma was alive . I would walk into her living room and it would be full of these flowers on a table next to her great window . She would also have a collection of flowering forced bulbs . The sun would shine through this window and you could feel the warmth from the sun . A perfect spot for these flowers . There are red wagons ready outside the door to load the poinsettias . During the month of December , the platforms of churches are loaded with these flowers . It really is beautiful ! The door is painted with Poinsettias welcoming you . When you walk in , the warmth of the nursery rushes in on your face and then you understand why everyone is running around with just a t - shirt on . There are rows and rows of tables loaded with a variety of colors and poinsettias . I always choose a white one with a green hue to it , as it will match with my decor better than the red or pink would . Family Tree About six years ago , we started getting a extra little Christmas tree to put in the family room , in addition to our big Christmas tree that goes into the living room in front of the house . The tree is adorned with silver balls and a silver sterling star tree topper . My favorite part is the ornaments which are picture frames with black and white photos of each member of our family . It starts with our great grand parents , to our parents , to us and our children , our siblings and their children , and last but not least , our grand - children . It even has some of the pets we have had throughout the years . I would like to add our aunts , uncles and their children to the tree someday . I have to tell you , it is a process finding small enough faces to fit into the small picture frames ( I have not learned how to shrink a picture to fit . . . should probably learn ) . When we gather for the Christmas holiday , I 've noticed everyone gravitates to the family tree . Right now , it is a five year generation tree and with time , our little tree will grow as our family does . I look forward every year to put this tree up ! Posted by " I 'll just be hanging round the mistletoe , hoping to be kissed . " Love ActuallyMy great gram had a walnut tree in her front yard that had green bushes of mistletoe in it and she asked if Charlie would cut it out . She suggested we tie red ribbon around single bunches of the cuttings and sell it . I asked her why she wanted the mistletoe cut out and she explained that it was killing her tree . She went on to tell me that it came from bird feces . I had no idea and was shocked to say the least . I will never forget the smirk on her face when she said to me , " I bet I know what you 'll be thinking about the next time you get caught under the mistletoe . " She was right . Every time . Well . . . It may start out that way , but I have gotten lost in some of those kisses and forgotten all about the bird poop . ; ) I did tie a red ribbon around single bunches and bagged them as she suggested . We put them all in a basket and sold every single bag for a dollar each . * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * • The growth of mistletoe had little to do with the bird droppings , and a lot to do with the birds themselves . Mistletoe seeds are extremely sticky and often latch onto birds ' beaks or feathers or the fur of other woodland creatures , hitchhiking to a likely host tree before dropping off and starting to germinate . Information on mistletoe can be found here . When Charlie is away working on a beach house , he gets poor reception on his cell phone . We have discovered in order to talk , he has to stand in this one spot and without moving , we then , can talk . He also doesn 't have a computer there and without computer access , he has no way of knowing how he is doing on Fantasy Football . Right now he is 9 - 1 . That is nine wins and one loss ! Last Wednesday he called me and walked me through his Fantasy Football team page to see if he had any players playing on Thursday . I told him he only had players playing on Sunday and Monday . He asked , " Are you sure ? Because I will be upset if you mess this up ! " I said , " Oh no pressure felt there , my love . " He made it home late Friday night and went and checked on the computer if I had read it right . I teasingly told him , " The Jets played the Cubs Thursday night . " as he walked into the office . He yelled back , " Well , we are in trouble then ! " I got nervous and ran into the office and I asked , " Why ? " He said with a grin , " That would mean a baseball team played a football team . Sheesh Angela , get your sports right at least . " and then kissed me on the forehead . I guess that would help a little . ; ) * Fantasy Football image from Google images . A carrot , an egg , and a cup of coffee . . . You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again . A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her . She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up , She was tired of fighting and struggling . It seemed as one problem was solved , a new one arose . Her mother took her to the kitchen . She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire . Soon the pots came to boil . In the first she placed carrots , in the second she placed eggs , and in the last she placed ground coffee beans . She let them sit and boil ; without saying a word . In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners . She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl . She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl . Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl . Turning to her daughter , she asked , " Tell me what you see ? " Her daughter replied , " Carrots , eggs , and coffee . " Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots . She did and noted that they were soft . The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it . After pulling off the shell , she observed the hard boiled egg . Finally , the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee . The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma . The daughter then asked , " What does it mean , mother ? " Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity : boiling water . Each reacted differently . The carrot went in strong , hard , and unrelenting . However , after being subjected to the boiling water , it softened and became weak . The egg had been fragile . Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior , but after sitting through the boiling water , its inside became hardened . The ground coffee beans were unique , however . After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water . " Which are you ? " she asked her daughter . " When adversity knocks on your door , how do you respond ? Are you a carrot , an egg or a coffee bean ? " Think of this : Which am IPosted by My name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . I 'm an addict . And this is what addicts do . You cannot nor will not change my behavior . You cannot make me treat you better , let alone with any respect . All I care about , all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them . You are a tool to me , something to use . When I say I love you , I am lying through my teeth , because love is impossible for someone in active addiction . I wouldn 't be using if I loved myself and since I don 't , I cannot love you . My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic . I have no empathy for you or anyone else . It doesn 't faze me that I hurt you , leave you hungry , lie to you , cheat on you and steal from you . My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using / drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action . Until I make that decision , I will hurt you again and again . Stop being surprised . I am an addict and that 's what addicts do . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I feel like I have been walking through a war zone , not knowing where the next bomb is coming from or when it is going to hit . I am having difficulty sleeping , and when I do , my dreams are nightmares . I also have a hard time concentrating . I find myself worrying about my sister and wondering how her problem escalated to an acme point of such self - destruction . I feel like I am often in shock and am having a hard time believing that this is really happening . When I do sleep and wake up , it feels like it 's a constant hangover that won 't go away . On top of dealing with my sister 's self - destruction , my mom and I have been filling out guardianship papers for my sister 's four children and when we aren 't with them , our time is spent at the court house or trying to catch up on our chores ; something always needs to be done . Our whole family pitches in where they can and helps support one another when it 's least expected . The children 's ages are 19 months , 3 , 5 and 8 years of age . The well - being and security oPosted by As I was making dinner , my daughter kissed me goodbye and left for a meeting . About five minutes later , my phone rang . I thought immediately it was my son calling as he drove home from his bay area commute . My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was my daughter . I thought to myself , ' Oh she just forgot to tell me something . ' When I heard her voice say , " Momma ? " I knew . She sounded like she was trying not to cry , and definitely scared . She said , " I got into an accident , I 'm okay , but I 'm scared momma , there is a man on the ground , please come quick . " Charlie was on his cell phone , and I told him in a panic stricken voice , our daughter got into an accident , and where . . . to go now . I had to turn the stove off and put the dogs up , and find my shoes . I thought it would be quicker for Charlie to leave and get to her than to wait for me to take care of everything around the house that needed to be taken care of . My heart started to race even faster as I heard every siren start blaring in the little town where we live . It seemed as if they were on forever . I jumped into the car and turned the corner to where the accident was . I could see they had the whole street of Hatch road blocked off and there were fire trucks , sheriff cars , and ambulance vehicles everywhere . I couldn 't see my daughter anywhere . I needed a visual ! I had to park a block away and started running to where the emergency vehicles were gathered . I heard someone call my name and looked to see who it was . She happened to be the mother of one of my son 's best friend 's ( a second mom to our son ) , who also happens to be a nurse ; she walked up to the accident with me . Jana was a great comfort as she checked the accident before I was able to see anything , making sure I wasn 't going to see anything that was going to throw me into shock greater than I started to experience . As I saw our daughter standing next to her dad , my heart calmed a little . Then I saw the gentleman who hit our daughter , on the ground ( my heart sank ) . I saw our daughter 's car . As I looked around tPosted by A couple of years ago , the California Native Plant Society had a plant sale and I bought some plants . They were drought tolerant and also attracted hummingbirds and butterflies . The plant basically looks like a weed and my husband begs me if he can pull it out almost every time he works in the yard . He tells me so often that I got suckered into buying some weeds that I started to wonder myself . The first year , my plant didn 't do anything and I was really disappointed with it . The next year , my plant had some fuzz on it and didn 't flower ; not a butterfly in sight . However , this year my plant is in full bloom and everyday I find a different species of butterflies . It has been a blast photographing them and trying to figure out what type of butterfly they are . Patience ~ Good things come to those who wait . ; ) Below are three photos of the Monarch whom are strong fliers . Ummm . . . I don 't know what this one is . I believe this butterfly is a Painted Lady . In this photo , I liked the way the butterfly is a fluttering blur ~ kinda dreamy . I think this one is a Clouded Sulphur . I can 't figure out what this butterfly is . I do know it is pretty ! While I was waiting for the butterflies to land and bask in the sun , I took some photo 's of other 's who were visiting my garden . If you know what any of these butterflies are , please do share your knowledge with me . I find them so fascinating ! Here , my little Simone doesn 't feel good . . . she had a little surgery . She is on the road to recovery and is feeling much better . She was so cute trying to get around with the cone collar around her head . Our pets are such a big part of our family . When I see they do not feel good , it pulls my heartstrings . : ( My sunshine doesn 't come from the skies , It comes from the love in my dog 's eyes . Unknown Poet The days are growing shorter and the nights are getting cooler . I am welcoming the season of Fall . Does anyone happen to know what the name of the shinning dot to the right hand corner of this photo is ? As I was driving home from one of my classes I took this Fall , I noticed this red tractor with the corn field behind it and the sky with it 's purple and pink hues . I thought it was pretty and stopped to capture the rather picturesque moment . Pumpkins almost ready to be harvested . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I 've been quiet . . . There has been a lot going on ( Charlie is okay ~ smile ) and I am trying to process so much . I have remembered and recited The Serenity Prayer , time and time again these last couple of months . I would like to ask you to pray and think positive thoughts for my baby sister ( she is currently in rehab ; for the third time ) who is thirty years old and her family ; she has four children ages ranging from eighteen months , three , five and eight years old . Also for my mom . . . she has a grieving heart which is broken into pieces and is dealing ( as you can only imagine ) with so much right now . We haven 't learned anything concerning my niece Deja , as of yet . Hopefully soon . Yes . . . we need a BIG prayer ! The Serenity PrayerGod grant me the SERENITYto accept the thingsI cannot change , COURAGEto change the things I can , and the WISDOMto knowthe difference . Matthew 11 : 29 - 30 A long anticipated camping date with some friends of ours finally arrived . When we first drove into our camping site , I put our little dogs Sophie and Simone , on the picnic table and helped Charlie back the trailer in . I noticed a movement in the tree just above the table and looked up to see a huge bird that looked very similar to an eagle . I went to get my camera to take a picture and then remembered my girls on the table and turned around , screamed and watched it fly away . I immediately put the girls into the trailer . This should have told me how the weekend was going to go . Later that evening , as we sat eating our dinner around the picnic table , I watched a bat fly above us and tried not to react in fear of scaring my friend Anita who is 90 years old . Apparently , it was time for bats to fly because when we would go to the store to call our daughter a bat would fly right next to me and get closer every time it made its way back by me . Needless to say , it cut my phone call short . In the 25 years Charlie and I have gone camping in the Sierra mountains , we have never had an encounter with a bear . Although we have heard stories about sightings and how they would run up to picnic table 's and grab a loaf of bread and then run away . When Charlie and I would hear this , we would exchange a look that would say , " Uh huh . Right . " But , this camping trip everyone saw the bear . . . except me . Nessa even went to show me a picture she took of it ( I couldn 't believe how BIG it was ) and then Rob started hysterically busting up and said she also got a picture of a lion . I realized it was pictures she had taken from a recent trip to the zoo ! Ha ! Ha ! Joke was on me ! Our last night there , I got so spooked , I believe my imagination got away from me because I heard . . . a growl . That was it for me and I said , " Goodnight ! " Charlie actually saw a bear standing on it 's hind legs looking into a window of a trailer one early morning . Can you imagine ? I think with the season changing , the bears are getting ready to hibernate . Have you ever seen a bePosted by My sister is still pretty small in this photo . I am about 2 1 / 2 years older than my sister and I am trying to figure out how old I was in this photo . Jessica was born on September 7 and my dad 's birthday was September 14th . I must have been three or four months shy of turning three years old . I just look so long for being that old ! When I look at this picture I see two little girls with a young father . The love already speaks volumes to me . NOTE ~ It came to me later and I couldn 't help but smile , ' Well . . . my dad wasn 't that tall and had short legs , which could be why I looked so long laying on them . ' My dad lost his brave and courageous battle to cancer . I never heard him complain . . . not one time . He was only 59 years old . My dad had made it through a year and two months with this disease . Without chemo , they told us he had maybe three to four months to live . There are moments in a person 's lifetime that stand out more than others . It 's details are penetrated to the core of your soul and are absorbed . That is not to say those other moments don 't mean as much . The last week of his life was like this for me . Super Hyper - detailed . Thanksgiving , for some reason landed on the 29th of November . I remember checking and rechecking the date to make sure I wasn 't reading it wrong ( my mind was all over the place back then ) . I thought it was strange for Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of the month of November . My dad fell down twice that week and I remember having to tell him as I sobbed , he was going to have to be patient and wait for me to help him when he wanted to move ; I was also watching my nephew who was a toddler at the time . My sister Jessica and her boyfriend were taking a break in their relationship and she decided to move in with dad and help me take care of him ; I couldn 't have done it without her . My dad expressed to both of us , how important it was that he stay at home ; his home . My dad needed constant care . She had a baby and the only way we could both take care of dad was to do it in shifts . While I was at work , she was with dad , and then , I would get off work ; I would then pick up my nephew at the daycare and go to dads , Jessica would be going to work . We were like passing ships in the night . While I was with him , he would periodically go over his wants and wishes with me . That last week , the doctor ( who happens to also be my husbands doctor ) told us there was nothing else he could do for my dad . Hospice was to come in on the following Monday after the holiday . Meanwhile , our son Rob had an appendicitis attack on Monday night ( the same night my dad fell down ) , and then surgery on Tuesday morning . We were all in the hospital standing around Rob 's bed after the surgery , and I can remember following Rob 's eyes to the door and seeing my Nina wheeling my dad in a wheel chair into the room . I couldn 't believe it ! My Nina said , " Your dad was quite persistent and not taking no for an answer , he wanted to see his boy ( Rob ) . " My Nina also shared with me in private , she felt by some of the things dad was saying , he was afraid he wasn 't going to see Rob again . Without responding , I understood . Later , when I had time to think about it , my dad did pass away . He must have known or felt his time was running out . Rob got to come home on Wednesday and was very careful traveling to be with my dad on Thanksgiving . Friday was interesting . My dad was very talkative and towards the end of the night , he was hallucinating and then just like that ( snapping my fingers ) , he seemed fine . Charlie decided to stay with him and told me to take the kids home and try to get some rest . I did . Charlie came home about 4 : 00 in the morning and no sooner he got into bed and the phone rang . It was my sister telling me daddy woke her up telling her he didn 't feel good and to unlock the gate , he called 911 and the ambulance would be there any minute . I threw on some clothes and drove to my dad 's to get my sister . When I got there , she thought it would be better if we took separate cars and I went on to the hospital . As I drove to the hospital , so many thoughts raced through my mind and I remember feeling like I couldn 't get there fast enough . When I walked into the emergency room , my dad was sitting up and wanting a cup of coffee . The nurses were trying to take his vitals and were whispering to each other how low they were . The phlebotomist couldn 't get any blood from him . They came in to take an x - ray and I remember telling them that my dad had cancer , and tried to catch them up to speed . Someone else tried to take some blood from him and I remember telling them , calmly . . . to just quit . I could see my dad 's body was shutting down . The nurse asked me , " Do you want them to resuscitate your dad in case his heart stopped beating . " I said , " No . " My dad watched me as I gave them my answer . and he gave me a smile . Another nurse asked me the same thing a little later and again , I said , " No . " My dad smiled , reached for my hand and squeezed it . This was one of the " wishes " my dad went over with me . I had my instructions . All the while , he kept asking for a cup of coffee . I had to leave the room so that my sister could come in and be with our dad ; the emergency room had a " one visitor at a time " policy . It was then my turn and this time , I brought him a cup of coffee . Apparently , he asked Jess to get him one too , and she did against her better judgement ( my dad had heart problems and coffee was a no - no ) . Daddy thanked us both for the coffee , although he had difficulty keeping it down . I would clean him up . I felt Jess needed a turn , and we switched places . I no sooner sat down in the waiting room and my sister screamed for me . I ran into the emergency room and our dad had a heart attack . As he died , without even thinking what I was doing , I immediately looked up ( as if he could see me as he left his body ) and I said as tears streamed down the cheeks of my face , " I love you daddy . " Jess and I stood there holding each other for quite a while . When we let go of each other , I took the oxygen tube off of his face , then took his glasses off , placed them in my pocket and shut his eye lids . I have often wondered if that cup of coffee and the caffeine had a significant role in his heart attack . Did he know ? It 's interesting how the mind starts the " what ifs , " and takes a life all of it 's own . It was time and he knew . We stayed with him in another room for almost five hours until the rest of the family could get to the hospital to say their goodbyes ; my dad wanted to be cremated as soon as possible . I held his hand and felt the warmth that his body did have at the end dissipate . I looked at his hand and knew that would be the last time on this earth that I would see it in the flesh , it would only be in pictures or my mind after we left him . It was so hard leaving . . . . It was about four years later , Jess called crying and said she had something to tell me that was eating her alive ; she felt horrible . It was about the day daddy died . As she sobbed , she told me the nurse came in and asked her if she wanted them to resuscitate him in case he had a heart attack and she didn 't want me to be mad at her but she said , " No . " I couldn 't believe she had carried that around for years after daddy passed away . As she told me her story , I could see how heavy it weighed on her heart . I felt so bad for her and told her that was what daddy wanted . He didn 't want to be put on machines or connected to tubes . Dad held on as long as he could at home and I think he knew when it was time to go to the hospital . He was the one that made that call because he didn 't want us to have to do it . I explained to Jessica that I had two different nurses ask me the very same thing . I told her that dad smiled at me the first time I was asked , like he was proud of me . The second time , he smiled again and held my hand and squeezed it as if he was letting me know , he knew it was hard for me telling the nurse that , but at the same time , again , he was proud of me . My sister and I cried together on the phone . She had no idea . I apologized to her for not talking about it afterwards . I just knew it was what he wanted . As I look at this picture , seeing the three of us sleeping peacefully and then jumping forward to the day we lost him . . . it was also just the three of us . My dad with his two girls and all the memories in between . No suffering or tragedy nor deeply seated pain could ever over shadow the bond that we retained . He will be in our hearts . . . always in our hearts . We 're together , though apart . How lucky are that we have those wonderful feelings and memories . We are lucky , lucky daughters . And to have husbands that are such great fathers too ! We are blessed ! |
Here are some more pictures from around the park . As you can see , the marina is a busy place . A sunset photo of some of the boats and the channel from the bay into the marina . I believe there was once a boardwalk or pier into the channel across from the marina . I 'll bet there were a lot of fish caught there ! Another pretty sunset shot across the bay . Christmas Day was very nice . The weather was awesome , cold at night and warm during the day with brilliant blue skies . We had a good time at Henry and Elaine 's house with the rest of the family . We had our typical large Christmas meal and everyone was stuffed ! The kids played outside all day and had a lot of fun . Man , these kids grow up fast ! And big , they 're almost as tall as their parents and only 10 years old . Kim and I made a resolution that she 'll quit smoking and I 'll stop eating sweets to get my blood sugar down and keep my A1c levels in check . We 'll see how this works out . So long . We woke pretty late this morning , having been up a lot overnight because of the howling winds . They rocked the trailer , caused things to go bump in the night , which made me put on clothes and go outside to check on what had hit the trailer . Someones trash can was in the street behind us and the power cord was slapping up against the trailer , causing some of the noise . It was a very worrisome night but we came through without any damage . I went for a walk down the seawall . It 's not the Galveston seawall , but then it doesn 't have to protect the city from the Gulf of Mexico , only Palacios Bay . The seawall is about a mile and a half long with a pier and pavilion the reaches out into the bay . I noticed a plack that said that it was first built in 1936 and redone in 1988 . The seawall runs from a small marina near this park to the east to the Baptist Encampment that has been here for many years . I went there for three or four years in my late teens when I lived in Galveston . As I recall , the buildings that we stayed in were wooden , two story buildings with no air conditioning , bunk beds with no storage and large open showers . The boys stayed in one building and the girls in another separate building . I don 't remember how many buildings there were , but do remember meeting people from all over the state when we were there . I made a lot of friends there . When I got back home , Stella was cooking for tonight 's Christmas party at Jana and Chad 's house . She put our gifts into bags and got everything ready . The weather remained cool and very windy all day . I went out late in the evening and took some photos around the park . When I get more taken , I will post them here . It was good to see the relatives again . We sat around visiting and munching on the goodies that everyone had brought . We always joked about Stella 's sister Elaine always being late , but she was there very early and almost an hour earlier than Kim and Jeremy and the boys . When they finally arrived , we had our large gift exchange . We got a nice weather emergency radioPosted by Today was a pretty nasty day all day long with rain showers off and on all day . The weather was still pretty warm , but the sometimes - heavy showers made it difficult to get anything much done outside . I stayed inside most of the day today but did go out and meet another Heartland owner , John and his wife CC . They are from Michigan and have their home there . John is an avid duck hunter and carves decoys . His website , Jacducks Decoys is very interesting and shows some of his work . He showed me some decoys and they are very pretty . The details are amazing on these " birds " along with the paint . He has some very large sandhill cranes that he leaves out as decorations around his rig . They have a Bighorn model 3385RL which is a model that we looked at when we bought our present trailer . It has a living room with exactly the same layout as our first Bighorn 3055 , but has some differences that we didn 't care for . It is a nice trailer and John said they love it . The best news is that we have a buyer for our house . A man came down a couple of weeks ago and got Jeremy to let him in to look at the house and he made us an offer which we have accepted . It is less than we wanted , but with the economy like it is , we 'll take it ! We 're still working out the details of the payment . HOORAY ! ! This is such a relief , and it will be nice to be officially homeless . Now we can go where we want to without having to worry about the house , not to mention the expenses there . So long . Here we are in Palacios . We have stayed at the Serendipity Bay RV park several times in the past , both alone , with friends and with the Boomers . We have always had fun here and have had some memorable times . It is only about 12 miles to Blessing where Stella 's family lives . We are in one of the newer pull through sites with the marina behind us . I don 't know exactly how many boats are stored there , but there 's a lot . They don 't seem to have suffered any long lasting damage from hurricane Ike . Here is a better shot of the marina . As you can see , there are few open slips , and of course , the two in the foreground could be boats that are out in the bay fishing or simply riding around enjoying the warm weather . Both Stella and I are feeling kind of poorly today . I hope it is only a cold for both of us . We are both taking a new medication called Airborne . At least it makes us feel better . I took Stella over to her niece 's hair care shop where she works to get a hair cut . After getting her hair done , we went to Bay City to do our last minute shopping done . After getting that done , we returned home and hung out here for the rest of the day . Later in the afternoon , we both were very hungry and went to eat at the Outrigger restaurant here in Palacios but learned that they are only open for lunch until the weekend , when they are open for supper . We went to the Baytown Seafood , where the food was very good . I watched my television show and went to bed under a huge pile of blankets to try to sweat out my illness . Hope it works . . . So long . I woke this morning and went down to have coffee with the guys for the last time this season . We will not be back here until April for the Heartland rally and by then , most of them will be gone . We had 11 down for coffee this morning , and ran out of coffee before everyone left . There were a lot of handshakes before I left . I came back home and ate breakfast . I had been reading a book and wanted to get it finished , so I sat in my chair while eating and read . I had already turned my computer off and Stella had lashed the television down for travel , so soon after I finished my breakfast I got up and went outside and went back to work . I worked steadily , speaking to my friends as they walked by . There was a committee meeting this morning at 10 o ' clock so I went down there and turned in my sign which got a few chuckles and told everyone on the committee goodbye . Then I went over to the office and turned my keys in to Crystal and had a chat with Gwen . We talked about the upcoming year and my plans but best of all , we talked about us coming back in the fall . I went ahead and booked a rally for Heartland here at Rayford for October 15 - 17th to get our name on some sites . I came on home and we finished up getting loaded up and got ready to go . Several other friends came by and after many handshakes and hugs we pulled out . We made good time around Houston and hit hwy . 288 . We stopped at the Buckee 's store in Angleton and transferred some fuel and got a sandwich and coffee for lunch . We pulled into Blessing about 2 : 30 and found the park . This is a very small park with a few long - term guests . I knew the sites were very hard to get into because they are straight - in concrete runners with a small patio . They were even harder to get into with the longer trailer , so after getting aggravated I went to one of the pull through sites . I learned that the pull through was not designed or laid out for a long trailer , so after scratching the side of the trailer from low hanging branches , we decided to go down to the park in Palacios . We pullPosted by Today was a pretty laid back day for us . No coffee this morning since its Sunday , so Stella and I had our coffee and breakfast at home . I watched my car shows on television this morning and then watched the Houston Texans eke out a win over the St . Louis Rams by a score of 16 - 13 . This should have been a cakewalk for the Texans , who are still in the playoff hunt , but their performance today didn 't give too much hope of the playoffs being near the grasp of this team . After the game ended , I worked on getting some of the outside items put away in preparation for leaving tomorrow . I got a good amount done today but kept getting interrupted by my friends coming by to see what I was doing . The weather was great all day long , so it was good to be outside . About three o ' clock , Jean and Reta came by to invite us to go eat with a large group of our friends who wanted to spend some more time with us before we left . After changing the location a couple of times , we ended up going to the El Palenque , one of our favorite mexican restaurants . We had a good turn out with many of our winter Texan friends with us tonight . Some of our new friends , Jim and Jenna rode to the restaurant with us . It was very humbling to have this many of our friends with us and we all had a great time . It made it harder to leave , but we have made our plans to go to Blessing to spend Christmas with Stella 's family there and New Year with Bill and Ornell , Ricky and Dee and Harry and Judy . It will be our first time to miss the New Year celebration at Rayford since the park opened but we 'll have a good time with our friends . We have made many good friends at Rayford and look forward to next year when we will spend even more time with them . We don 't plan to return to Rayford until April when we will host another Heartland rally there . Most of our Winter Texan friends will be gone by them but we plan to stay in touch . So long . Today , being Saturday , was breakfast in the park day . When I got to the Lone Star room , I found that someone had already made the coffee and it was almost done when I got there . I looked around but didn 't see anyone else , so I guess the coffee fairy made it . I had already heard that yesterday , when I was not here for coffee , they had 14 for coffee , and that they had fought for my seat at the table . We had another large group , so we drank most of the coffee . There wasn 't much left for the breakfast crowd , but Frank had made a full pot on his side . We went over to Lakeview RV Park to visit Tom and Judy and Bill and Ornell , who had come over for Bill 's treatment at the hospital . When we got there , we learned that David and Susan Gondren had come over to visit with Jim and Sheila , but they left the park so we didn 't get to see them . David and Susan had just gotten their new Bighorn 3055 trailer . Heartland had given them the new one after they had many problems with their old trailer . The new rig looks really nice with the new graphics , slam baggage doors and touchpad lock for the front door . We didn 't get to see the inside , but I don 't think they have made that many changes . While visiting , Bill told me that he had seen a few Dodge trucks for sale not far from the park . Bill , Tom and I drove over to the car lot where they were . They had a couple of trucks out near the street but I wasn 't interested in either one . Then we found a 2008 four door truck that looked pretty good . I drove the truck and it drove and performed very well . I was very impressed with the power and performance of the truck and the handling was much better than my ' 02 . I really liked the exhaust brake . When we go back to the mountains , that feature would really come in handy . I sped the truck up to 85 mph and slowed it to 30 without touching the brake pedal . We returned to the lot and I spoke with one of the people in the office about the price of the truck . When we got there , another customer was there complaining that he couldn 't get any satisfactionPosted by Jeremy , Stella and Kim went to the Clear Lake hospital early this morning to prepare Kim for some out patient surgery . I stayed at their house and took the boys to school before going to the hospital . On my way to the hospital , I stopped off at a Valero station in League City where I bought fuel for the first time since we came back to town in October . I took 126 . 2 gallons to go 2172 . 6 miles for a 17 . 2 MPG average . After staying in the room with her until she was taken upstairs , Jeremy went home because he didn 't feel well . Stella and I stayed at the hospital where we read books in the waiting area until she was brought out and taken back downstairs to her room . We stayed there with her until she was released and we took her home . I went to the daycare and picked the boys up and brought them home . We left soon after making another stop or two , we returned to the park to attend the Christmas party . Stella called in a to - go order of pasta from the Pizza Hut to take to the party tonight . While Stella wrapped our gifts , I went to pick up the food , which was not ready when I got there . Stella had given them the time that we would pick up the food , but somehow it had been forgotten . The manager gave me a good discount and I left to go back home to get ready for the party . We sat with some of our winter Texan friends and had a very good potluck meal ( when have you ever gotten a bad potluck meal ? ) . We had a fun gift exchange and I think I got most of the gifts at one time or another , but someone stole them from me , so at the end of the evening , Stella got some liqueur and I got a gift certificate from the park . We had a lot of fun , as we always do , and came home , tired from our two days away from the park . Our time at Rayford is coming to a close and we will leave here on Monday . We have many friends here and we hate to leave , but time marches on . So long . Today we were to go down to Texas City for Cameron 's birthday and to watch Tyler 's first band concert . Before I went down for coffee , I sent a message to Kristine Schaffner , my former Fire Marshal in Manvel , in Facebook , to see if we could meet for lunch today . As soon as I got back to the trailer , I found that she had responded to me and we made a date to meet at Kelly 's in Alvin . I knew that Mike Jaimes , my former Code Enforcement / Animal Control officer in Manvel had been fired , but didn 't know where he was working now . She told me that he would meet us there , so I assumed that he was either not working or was working with her in Alvin . When we all arrived at the restaurant , I learned that Mike is not working yet , but is volunteering in Alvin and being paid for only a few hours a week . He is making valuable contacts in Alvin , so I am sure that when an opening comes up , he will go to work . Mike and Kristine told me that I had left Manvel just at the right time . The administration there seems to have lost their grasp of reality . There are many instances of violations of employee 's rights and violations of city policy . After finishing lunch , we went to our house and picked up the mail and checked the house while we were there . We ran some other errands before we went on to Texas City to pick up Tyler and Cameron at day care . We took them home and before long , it was time for Tyler to leave for his band concert . We brought Cam with us to the concert which was held at one of the new Junior high schools . The parking was terrible , and we ended up parking on a sidewalk with one wheel on the sidewalk and the other in the street . It turned out that there were five school bands performing tonight with Tyler 's band being one of them . With that many students and their families there , it was very crowded in the gym where the concert was held . Luckily Kim and Jeremy had gotten there early enough that we got very good seats . Also luckily , Tyler 's band was the first to perform . The " performance " was them playing a set of warm - up Posted by Today 's post will catch me up for the last week because I was too busy ( lazy ) to keep it up to date . I guess entertaining the friends we had last week kept me too busy to sit down and write something . Tommy and Susan were here all week , Ricky brought the trailer up on Thursday , and Harry and Judy arrived on Friday along with the Texas Boomers for the Christmas rally . It was good to see all of our friends here and of course there were several in the Boomers that we don 't see very often any more . We had decided to have a fish and oyster fry on Friday night with Harry and Judy , Ricky and Dee and Tommy and Susan . Harry stopped at Hillman 's Seafood where he bought a gallon of fresh oysters , so we had them , some of the rainbow trout that had been caught in Colorado . Tommy had bought some fresh potatoes which he cut up and fried . Tommy was very proud of his new french - fried potato cutter that he had just gotten as a gift . It really happy with it because he just stuck a peeled potato into the gadget and with the push of a handle , he had perfect fries , ready to go into the hot oil . We had a great meal with our good friends with a nice campfire after our meal . The Boomers had a spaghetti supper that we didn 't go to because the last time they had one , they had run out of food . No one had brought sauce or meatballs , so we had decided some time ago to just do our own thing with oysters and fish . I heard that they had plenty of food at the dinner this year . Don Allen had a large campfire ( campfar , as he calls it ) , so we all had someplace to go to hang out with friends in the cool air . The weather didn 't cooperate with us this weekend . It was cold , cloudy and rainy all weekend but I think everyone had a good time anyway . The Boomers had a big potluck breakfast on Saturday morning . I got up and made coffee in the Lone Star room for the guys as usual . Frank tried to keep me from putting some tables together for the coffee drinkers , because of his pancake breakfast this morning , but I told him that we would be through before the breakPosted by I slept in my chair a little later this morning and went down for coffee , secure that Jim had come down to put the coffee on . He had , so everything was fine this morning for the coffee drinkers . We all enjoyed our coffee time together , as always . There was a pretty good sized rally in the park , the Lone Star Sams club , that included our friends Leo and Shirley . When they came in , I went over and talked to them because we haven 't seen them in a long time . They are not full timers , but do go on extended trips from time to time . We talked about some of our travels and told stories of our adventures . It was good to see them again . They are staying in the park after the LSS rally ends for the Texas Boomer rally . We just hung out in the park all day long and didn 't do too much more all day . It was a nice quiet day here . So long . Today is our anniversary so I let Stella sleep . I went down and had coffee with the guys and tried to stay away long enough for her to get a good morning 's sleep . Tommy stopped by at the rally hall and brought us some croissants and kolaches , which hit the spot with the guys . When I got home , Stella had already started fixing us some breakfast , so I ate a small breakfast here too . We had already celebrated our anniversary with Tommy and Susan , we didn 't do too much more today . Stella stayed here and worked some and I hung out with her . We agreed several years ago not to exchange gifts for our birthdays and anniversaries , so even though this was anniversary number 30 , we didn 't do anything special . We decided that since we could just buy whatever we wanted , so there was no reason to do anything else . We did get a lot of happy anniversary messages on my Facebook page , which was nice of everyone . I learned that we have several friends that have been married much longer than we have . Our friends Ted and Donna have been married for 44 years but Dwight and JoAnne have been married for 53 years ! And I thought I 'd been married to one old woman for a long time . . . . . So long . Since today is Sunday , there is no coffee this morning in the rally hall . Stella and I went down in the rain to Tommy and Susan 's for coffee but I didn 't stay very long because my TV shows come on Sunday morning and I wanted to catch up on them . We stayed inside , dry and warm , watching football on television . Susan called Stella and asked her to go shopping with her . They went to a couple of stores and to Wal Mart and did really well . They both bought the gifts for the upcoming Boomer Christmas party next weekend . After they came back , we sat around and later decided to go eat at one of my favorite places , James Coney Island . They advertise $ . 99 coneys on Sunday night , but when we got there , we were told that they don 't have that special any more . We all had our hot dog meal , and enjoyed it a lot . I did get signed up on their email specials offer , so we can get a discount that is actually offered at the time . It started raining again as soon as we got back home , so I went to bed pretty early and read a book . So long . We didn 't have too many at coffee this morning because most of the guys didn 't know about it I guess . One new guy , our friend Ed , came down and Jerry didn 't have to work this morning , so he came down too . Today was the park - sponsored brunch . The park served Mimosas and Bloody Marys and the individuals coming to the meal brought a potluck breakfast . It was good but I learned that I don 't really care for Mimosas . I guess it 's the champagne bubbles that I don 't like . We had a nice visit with Jim and his wife Janet who were neighbors of Pete and Jean . Jim had a kidney transplant but seems to be fully recovered . Today turned out to be a great day weatherwise . It stayed pretty cool all day long but there was a bright sun shining . As long as you stayed in the sun , it wasn 't bad at all to be outside . I went for a walk in the morning but we stayed in most of the day . We went to Saltgrass Steakhouse with Tommy and Susan for supper . We went pretty early to avoid the weekend crowd and had a very nice meal . We stopped off at HEB to buy some Blue Bell ice cream and some ice before we returned to the park and Tommy dropped us off about four spaces from our site . We all had a chuckle over this because we had just told him to go to his motorhome because we needed to walk after eating . He said no , he would drop us off at our trailer , but then stopped too soon , so we had to walk anyway . We didn 't have to walk far , but it was funny at the time . Tommy invited us over for some Pina Coladas using the homemade vanilla ice cream . Wow , were they good ! He used a Pina Colada mix that he ordered off the Internet and they were GREAT ! ! ! We stayed over at their motorhome until about 8 : 30 and let me tell you , it didn 't take me long to go to sleep after Tommy 's great dessert . We 're glad they 're back at Rayford . Wouldn 't it be nice if they sold their house and stayed up here ? Susan works right across the freeway , so her drive would only take fifteen minutes or so , she could come home for lunch and the savings on gas and maintenance would pay a lot of Posted by It started snowing here at the park about 10 o ' clock but it was pretty light . It really started snowing hard right after noon and lasted about two hours . Not much of it stuck in the grass but some did for awhile on the trucks and tables around the park . A snowflake hit the lens just as I took this picture . My Texas sign was laying on the table next to the trailer and you can see the snow on it . Don 't slip on the stairs into the trailer ! There was a pretty good accumulation of snow on the carpeted runners on the steps . We woke this morning to the news of snow that was coming to Houston . This was the earliest reported snowfall on record in the city . Although it didn 't last long , it was fun while it lasted . I am constantly reminded from the folks around me that are from the north and east of Texas ( snowbirds ) that anything less than 6 " of snow is not considered a snowfall and would not cause any problems for them at all . Houston area schools closed early , cancelled classes for the evening and many employees were sent home or advised not to come in due to the weather . Texans don 't know how to drive on snowy or icy roads , so it is probably best that this happened . Today Tommy and Susan celebrated their anniversary and since we will have ours in a couple of days , we went out to eat . Susan was tired from staying up late last night setting up the motorhome , so she wanted something quick to eat . We decided to go to Sweet Bella 's restaurant near here . They serve good and inexpensive Italian food , so we went there again . As usual , it was good and we all enjoyed our meal . By the time we came home , the temperature was below freezing , so we went inside right away . We later met Tommy at the Lone Star room where Stella and I played bingo . The games were rigged again ( LOL ) and we didn 't win . We had a good time anyway and after having a snack , walked back home in the very cold temperature . We left the water dripping in the kitchen to keep the water line from freezing and had no troubles during the night . I guess I shouldn 't have haPosted by We had still another good turnout for coffee this morning , even though a couple of the regulars didn 't show up . One new park resident came down to join us and we had even more to talk about . Jim and I left a little early because Jake had called last night to tell me the truck was ready . When I got home he called back to tell me that he had found another small fuel leak which he worked on this morning . We picked up Reta and Stella and left to go get breakfast at Compadres restaurant on Hannah , on the way to Jake 's . After a good , cheap breakfast we went to get the truck . Jake met me at the truck and told me that there is no way to predict when one of the other injectors will go out . Someone on one of the RV forums had suggested just replacing all the injectors when one went out , but I guess they don 't know how expensive those injectors are ( $ 400 each ) . We paid Jake for the work and left and let me tell you , it sure is nice to get my truck back ! We stopped off at the grocery store , since we haven 't bought groceries in a week or so . We spent a lot of money , but we have plenty to eat now . We stayed inside most of the afternoon because it was still chilly out . I went for a walk with Warren and Carl later and had a nice visit with them . Our neighbor , Pete , was outside putting fresh water in his holding tank in preparation for tomorrow 's predicted snow and cold weather . I 'm not doing that because I don 't think the temperature is going to be that cold long enough to freeze my water line . My underbelly is insulated and heated , and I can leave a water drip tonight , so we 'll be fine . We were snowed on last December in Boerne and again here at Rayford and I remember having temperatures in the low 20 's and nothing froze up . I have some water in the tank , plenty to flush the toilet if it becomes necessary . Time will tell if I 'm correct . Stella fixed us a pizza made using crescent rolls for the crust that was very tasty tonight . She just guessed at some of the ingredients and will make some adjustments on the next one she makes , butPosted by We had another full house for coffee again this morning . We should have had more but picked up some new guests at the park . We are all interested in how long Melissa will be able to work and when she will have her baby girl . There was a lot of speculation about it but she has a doctor 's appointment later this morning so we should know soon . Without a truck , we couldn 't leave the park today . Jim had told me that if went anywhere today he would take me along , but he didn 't come by . I walked around the park a lot today , getting some exercise and visiting with friends here . It was very cold outside all day , so there weren 't many people out to visit with . While on one of my walks , a man stopped me and asked if I could use a sewer hose complete with fittings and a plastic hose cradle . He said that he had lived at Rayford last year and that he and his wife had moved back into a house . He said that she would not come back to the park with him again , so he was getting rid of some of his accessories . Of course I took the two items that he had and took them to the house and left them on the table for someone else to take . I don 't need these because mine is brand new and I don 't want to store it . Jim was the first person to ask about them and said he could use them , so I gave them to him . Since the weather was so yucky , we stayed in and surfed the net ( me ) and watched television ( Stella ) all day . We ate leftover chili for supper . Everything on regular television was delayed due to the president 's speech . I 'm not going into a rant on the idiot in the White House and let it go at that . I am very worried about where the United States is going at this time . So long . When I woke this morning , our neighbors Pete and Jean were about ready to pull out . They had a breakdown on their way into the park a week or so ago and had damaged the suspension on their trailer . Their insurance company picked up the tab for the repair and the local repair shop - Milstead Automotive - got the bid to do the work . That is nice for them because it is about as close to the park as they could have gotten . They had made most of their preparations yesterday afternoon , so this morning all they had to do was close up one of the slides and pull out . Of course , they didn 't have to pack up anything , just disconnect it and leave it on the ground . Pete had loaned me some black streak remover so I used it to remove some stains on the front sides of the trailer . It works really well , and only requires rubbing it on with little scrubbing . I figured that when it started to rain it would wash it off if I missed a spot . The weather was yucky today , rainy and cloudy . It looked like it was going to rain all day long but didn 't actually start to rain until late in the afternoon , just when I had to walk down to get the clothes after Stella finished washing them . It sucks not to have a vehicle to carry the heavy clothes all the way to the laundry . It brings back memories of walking to school , uphill both ways , in the rain and snow of Galveston . This was about the only constructive thing we got done today . I did get a call from Jake my mechanic , who told me that as I had feared , one of the injectors was leaking . I have read on some of the truck forums on the Internet about this problem and as far as I can tell , there is nothing that can be done to correct this except replace all the injectors . I would save on the labor charge because it would only have to be done once , but the injectors are over $ 400 each so it would be very expensive . At least it 's not snowing here , yet . Its cold here and I read that it is snowing in Dallas and west Texas and we 're forecast to possibly have snow on Thursday night or Friday . If it does snow thenPosted by The start of another week . . . . . I began this morning with the usual coffee in the rally hall . One of our guys , Mac Willoughby had just returned from a bus trip to Branson Mo . for Thanksgiving . He said it was an enjoyable trip but their hotel on the way up in Little Rock was not up to par . He said he complained to the hotel manager and also to the bus company when they returned , and was told that he was not the only one that complained , so they would not be staying at that hotel again . It only reinforces my love for traveling in my trailer , sleeping in my own bed and eating my own food . I got Jim to follow me over to Jake 's Automotive . You may remember that I took it there for some repairs to be made when we returned from our trip to Colorado . He had found the fuel return lines were leaking and had repaired them . The truck has started doing exactly the same thing as before , so I had called Jake and brought it in this morning . It will be interesting to see what his diagnosis is . After returning , I went for a walk around the park . It has turned off much colder than the past few days and rained all night long , but after the rain stopped I went for a walk . While walking through the park , I noticed a couple of trailers that needed attention . One had a bad water leak at the fresh water intake but coming out from the underside of the trailer . I had noticed this leak yesterday and had knocked on the door to tell them about the leak , but was told that they only needed to replace a gasket . When it was still leaking I decided to report it to the park . We don 't have to pay for our water but I don 't want someone to waste a lot of water and make all of us have to pay . I had also been told that there was a fifth wheel that had a bad waste water hose with holes in it . I found Gwen escorting a rig into a site and told her about the problems and gave her the site numbers . I don 't know what she did about them but when I walked around later in the day , the water leak had stopped . While walking through the park later in the afternoon , I taPosted by Here is Michael Maker playing yesterday . He really puts on a good show , although there are those that don 't like his music or how loud he plays . Thanks to Rich for the photo . I slept in my chair this morning until after 7 o ' clock ! Wow , that 's late for me . Stella fixed us some biscuits and sausage that wasn 't very good , but who am I to complain ? Neither of these were something she made but its the thought that counts . There are lots of men out there whose wives don 't cook . We intended to go to the church service here at the park today , but there were so many of our friends here that were leaving this morning , the time got away from us and we missed the service . We stayed home today and watched football of TV . The Texans started out like a house afire but they only smoldered in the second half and lost 35 - 27 . Of course , that makes five times that Indianapolis has come from behind in the fourth quarter to win . Its a loss regardless . The weather was pretty yucky today . It was cloudy all day and looked as thought it was going to rain but hasn 't so far . The temperature is up into the upper 60 's but the forecast is for cooler temps for the rest of the week , Stella fixed some tuna for supper . She made cookies again this afternoon so I had to try one . It was good but she substituted walnuts for the pecans so the cookies weren 't as crispy . They were still good and best of all , sugar - free ! We went to Walgreen 's to pick up my medicine . We planned to buy some medications in Mexico but for these meds , we can 't beat the prices . We came back home and watched TV until bedtime . So long . Posted by I got up this morning and went down to have coffee with the guys again this morning , in spite of having Frank 's breakfast lined up for today . We drank most of our pot of coffee and went in and ate our breakfast of pancakes and sausage . It wasn 't bad but I 've had better . We came home to relax before this afternoon 's happy hour / band . Michael Maker was playing this afternoon and he always puts on a good show . I got an email from Tommy and Susan saying they were coming up this afternoon . It has been awhile since we have seen them , and I knew they were coming in on the 4th for a week or more stay . It will be good to see our friends again . I went down to the rally hall a little early and helped Michael and Billy unload Michael 's equipment . Billy soon had to leave to go pick up some pizza for the kids in the rally hall , so I ended up working by myself . Michael did help me some but I hauled up most of his equipment . He rewarded me with a cold beer and later recognized me for helping him , dedicating the first song to me for my help . I didn 't know I would become a roadie after retiring . I watched Michael play for over an hour when Tommy and Susan arrived . They came in and watched Michael playing . A large group of the winter Texans had gone into the Lone Star room to get away from the loud playing by Michael . Susan went in and talked to them for awhile but came out and said she was hungry , so we went to eat . Tommy and I are good at obeying our wive 's every wish so we were glad to take them to eat . We went to El Palenque again and had a very nice meal . When they brought us back home , there was two groups sitting out , one at Warren and Judy 's and the other at Jerry and Diane 's . We went over and sat with Warren and most of our friends . We had a great time listening to Pete tell his stories . He keeps us laughing at the things that has happened to him . We sat out until about 9 : 30 when it started to rain a little more . Another nice night in the park . So long . We stayed here in the park all day long today , recovering from the Thanksgiving dinner yesterday . I walked a lot this morning , trying to walk off some of the calories . Eddie and Kelly reserved one of the new Deluxe sites . The park has recently converted four spaces into Deluxe sites with smaller tables and two nice swivel chairs in them . They will also have firepits and possibly water fountains in each site , but for now , Kelly 's site is the only fully equipped site . The others have the tables and chairs and fire pits . Eddie and Cody went to their deer lease yesterday after dinner , so Kelly fixed supper for us as well as her nephew Michael and his family and her old boss Marty . It was one of those all - in - one meals where you buy the entree and the rest is free . It was supposed to have been a pork roast but turned out to be a pork loin . It was all very good and we had a nice time visiting with everyone . While eating , Kelly 's cousin Belinda came up to spend the night with her . I was not feeling well after everything we had yesterday , so I left to go back home soon after we finished eating . Michael laid a fire at his site and Stella decided to stay at the fire with them . It was pretty cold tonight , so they didn 't stay out very long . So long . Today is Thanksgiving Day and I would like to begin by saying that we have SO much to be thankful for . We absolutely love our lifestyle and wouldn 't change a thing about that . We have our health , although there are challenges on the horizon . I know that we are all thankful for the military and for everything they do to keep us free , but I would also like to add a large group of people that also keep us safe and that is public servants . Not only the obvious Police , Fire and EMS but those employees that keep the streets , drainage and parks working and safe for us . Many of them have to work on holidays too , taking them away from friends and family . The park is full today and a few " weekend residents " came down to have coffee with us . After finishing up coffee , I returned home and Stella fixed us some breakfast . She had already begun preparing her dishes for lunch , so we stayed in at home until time to go down for the Thanksgiving feast . There was a very good turnout for Thanksgiving , an estimated 90 people . I know that both of the rally rooms were full but there was still some empty seats . One of the round tables had been set up near us and no one sat at it . We had a great meal and had some nice conversations with Kerry and Patti , Rhonda , and Eddie , Kelly and Cody who sat at the table with us . Everyone had a good time , although there was a report from Frank that some of his family got sick from something they ate . No one else reported this , so I don 't know what they ate that was bad for them . We came home and I watched football on television all afternoon . It was a nice way to end the holiday celebration . So long . We hung out at home after I finished coffee . Stella still had a few things she needed to do for her clients , so she worked on that in the morning . We went to the grocery store to buy for the Thanksgiving feast at the park and to buy groceries , which we haven 't done for a few days . We came back home and put our groceries away and watched many other rigs pulling into the park for the holiday weekend . Eddie and Kelly pulled in and we talked to them for awhile before going home to get ready for bingo . We went down to play in the rally hall at 7 but sadly we didn 't win any money tonight . We still had a good time with our friends and congratulated the winners . Our friend Peg won the big pot tonight , and her grand daughter was cute , playing the game . There were several people playing tonight with children which is normal for a holiday time . We went over to Eddie and Kelly 's where they had started a fire . Kelly 's nephew Michael and his wife Becky came over with their two children . The kids are very cute but it was cold for them to be out , so the kids didn 't stay out too long . It was nice to catch up on Brazoria County news with Eddie since we worked a few cases together . Eddie is an Investigator with the Sheriff 's office . Eddie and Cody , their son are going to the deer lease tomorrow after the Thanksgiving dinner , so I invited him to come have coffee with us in the morning . So long . I went down for coffee this morning , as usual . Jim was not feeling well , so luckily I went down a few minutes early and made the coffee . We had another good crowd this morning . Pete always has a lot of stories to tell that keep everyone laughing . I had a doctor 's appointment with Dr . Merritt this afternoon , so we left about 10 : 30 so Stella would have time to go see Dr . Gulde for a consultation . I stayed in the truck while Stella and the doctor were talking at the hospital . Stella needed to go by Amegy bank to order new checks which took a lot longer than we expected . We just drove around Dickinson after finishing at the bank to kill a little time before my appointment . I got to the doctor 's office and was soon brought in . A nurse took my vitals and started running an A1c test for the doctor to review . When Dr . Merritt came in , she scolded me because my test was high . I promised her that I will get better on my eating and will turn these results around . She gave me a prescription for a new medicine , so we 'll see how that works out . We went by the house on our way back to Rayford to pick up a few items . We didn 't get away from the house until almost 5 o ' clock , which meant it was almost 7 before we got back to the park . After walking Cassie , we stayed inside for the rest of the night . So long . The only thing we did today was that Stella worked in the trailer on doctor stuff . I tried to stay out of her way and stayed outside as much as I could . About 11 , Stella decided to go down and wash clothes . I carried the clothes down for her and returned to the trailer to play on the computer . She called me about 3 to come get the clothes and bring them home . We went to a Margarita Monday at 4 in the rally room . These are sponsored by the park and we bring snack foods to munch on . These are all about us just getting together and visiting with the winter Texans here in the park and anyone else that 's in the park and wants to come . I am disappointed in the number of people in the park that don 't come to these activities . They are free except for whatever food is brought , so money shouldn 't be a factor . I guess there there are people that are not all that sociable . We enjoy getting together with friends . We sat at a table with Bob Anderson who is giving a seminar on Thanksgiving Day on writing your memoirs . He is an interesting man who ran a newspaper in Missouri before he retired . We enjoyed meeting him and his wife Carol . They are staying here until March , so I hope to see him again in the park before we leave . Its hard to believe that we 've been here over six weeks and only have about three weeks left to stay here . So long . Today is Sunday , so there is no meeting for coffee . Everyone sleeps in and drinks their own on Sundays . Stella and I slept later than usual and ate breakfast here . Today is Tyler 's birthday . He turned 13 years old today , can you believe it ? It reminds me how old I am getting because I sound like my Grandaddy when I say I remember the morning that Tyler was born and how much he has meant to me since then . Tyler , the first - born son and grandson , and he will always have a very special place in my heart . I love all three of my grandsons but I guess like a lot of folks , the first one is a little bit special . On our way to Texas City , we stopped off at Dickinson to pick up our mail and to check the yard . We had hired a company to come cut the grass and we needed to look at their work . The yard looked good , so after picking up the mail we left . We had plenty of time , so we went by the Via Bayou RV park where our friends Harry and Judy were staying . Judy recently had some foot surgery and we wanted to check on her . We have not seen our good friends in a long time but will soon see them at the Boomer rally at Rayford . We will also spend New Year 's Eve with them in Louisiana . Like many , we have a family tradition of letting the birthday boy choose where we go out to eat . Tyler chose the Texas Roadhouse , but changed his mind to Logan 's Roadhouse . Kim , Jeremy and Cameron had eaten there on Halloween weekend when Tyler was with us at Rayford , so they convinced him that Logan 's was better . The food was okay but I have had better . Tyler was surprised when the crew from the restaurant came out and recognized him for his birthday . It 's not every day that a young man becomes a teenager . We went back over to their house and Tyler blew out his candles . Kim only had three birthday candles - you know how it is , these special days just sneak up on you - but somehow Tyler blew them all out . Jeremy made a delicious cake from scratch , so we all had a piece of cake before we had to come home . We had been gone most of the day , so Cassie was glad to Posted by I woke this morning and went down to the rally hall expecting to have to make the coffee because I thought Jim would stay home . He had asked me if I was making coffee , and took that to mean that he wouldn 't be down . He was there when I got down there but had only made about half a pot of coffee since Frank and Nancy would be making coffee for the breakfast . When Frank arrived , he immediately complained that someone had changed his timer and that it had not come on at the time he set it for . Neither Jim nor I even knew that Frank had left his timer in the cabinet and we were the only ones that were in the hall since he had left last night after bingo . He had a hard time finding a lot of his supplies , but he finally got it together and breakfast was prepared . We all had a good time at breakfast but several , including me , were a little disappointed that we didn 't have breakfast burritos as promised but the pancakes were good . It was cool and rainy today , so we just stayed inside . I watched my car shows on television and Stella did stuff for her doctors . I know she uses her phone a lot to exchange text messages with Dr . Gulde . Some time in the middle of the day , I had an idea to go to Mel 's Diner for supper . I went around and spread the word to our friends in the back of the park , and ten of us agreed to meet around 5 o ' clock . Carl and Faye rode with us , Pete and Jean rode with Warren and Judy and Jim and Rita brought their two grandsons from their school where they had gone to watch them play soccer . We had a great time at Mel 's and while there , I remembered that today was exactly one year since I retired . This has been a wonderful year for us . We left our house the day I retired and have only slept in the house twice since then . We have taken some nice trips , one to Tyler to visit my Aunt Frat who later passed away ; to Albuquerque New Mexico for the Good Sam rally ; to Elkhart Indiana for the Heartland rally there , then over into Ohio to meet our friends and back to Dickinson , visiting many interesting cities on the waPosted by We had another large group for coffee this morning and had to set up another table to hold everyone . I guess the entries onto the calendar are paying off . I came home and Stella was working on her doctor 's work again , so we just hung out in the trailer again . I walked a lot today because I have to go visit the doctor for my quarterly checkup next week and I don 't want to get yelled at . Diabetes is a fearful disease because many victims are not ill and have few symptoms . I have type 2 diabetes which is treated with diet control , exercise and oral medications . I have been diagnosed with it for over 10 years and so far have been able to control it with a variety of oral drugs . I will find out next week how I am doing . We had an unscheduled committee meeting this afternoon . There were some changes that I had talked to Diane about such as changing bingo night to another night to leave Friday nights for our " street parties " . I want to include rallies into our parties because I know that there are a lot of people that come in on a Friday night for a rally , have worked all day and then had to drive to the park . They set up their rig when they arrived here and many times don 't want to fix supper . Instead of going out , why not invite them to our party ? It seems like a win - win situation to me . We would have more people for the parties , they will appreciate the efforts of the park to include them which will hopefully bring in more business for the park , and we will make many more friends . The street party will be listed as weather permitting , but we will have to contact the wagonmaster of the rally to get permission to use the rally hall for our party . I also suggested that Michelle contact the wagonmasters so there are no privacy issues over one or more of the committee members contacting someone without permission . Also the wagonmaster would be asked for a tentative head count for the party . We will ask anyone attending to either bring a dish to the potluck dinners or to pay a nominal fee for the party . I think that 's onlyPosted by I went down to have coffee again this morning and got to thinking about our little group . If you think about it , a group like this one really could do some good when it comes to making decisions . All together , we have experiences in just about anything you can imagine . We have retirees from just about any field , military , public services like fire service and of course , law enforcement , many kinds of businesses , including business owners . I 'm not sure what some of our guys have done in their life , but I 'm sure it would be a great discussion some morning , just going around the table and talking about ourselves and our background . We 've got some really smart fellows in this group . Together we have traveled pretty much around the world and in every state of the union . Of course , the military guys have spent lots of time overseas , keeping us free and safe , but a lot of their time was done in wartime , so there wasn 't much time to sightsee . It is a real treat when we start talking about where we have been and what we like and dislike . We have discussed going on a group trip , and that may work out . Where would we go ? Well , we talked about Alaska , but personally I would rather stay in the lower 48 states . I know that our friends Bob and Christina have an Alaska trip planned for next year and I 'm sure I will talk to them when they return to find out how it went . I intend to keep in touch with all my winter Texan friends and keep them up about where we are . There was not much doing in the park today . Stella worked on the computer and I piddled around . I went by Diane 's trailer and talked to her about the committee . She asked me to talk to Joe Alessi who is staying right behind her , about doing a newsletter and email notices of upcoming events . When I went over to talk to him , I learned that he is the guy that hit a rock last year and drug it around by the office . He said he did about $ 5 , 000 worth of damage to his then - new Phaeton motorhome . It is all fixed now but he made a mess of it back then . Stella and I have been doing goPosted by Here I am sporting my new " do " . I have wanted to honor my friends as well as everyone that is battling cancer , and this is my way of doing so . Some time ago , I got this idea when I read about a man that had shaved his head when his son was diagnosed with cancer . I don 't have any sons , and luckily none of my children or grandchildren have been stricken with this disease , so this is my small way of showing solidarity with other cancer victims . I walked around the park this morning after doing the " shave job " and was surprised at how much difference it made to be outdoors without hair and how cold the air felt . I stopped by and visited with Jimmy and Dana , one of the cancer victims here in the park . Stella stayed inside and worked on her computer for her clients . She has been working a lot for them lately and I am very proud of her for doing this . Not only because we can use the money she brings in , but simply because she can remain focused on them and stick with their program and not just sit back in a retired mode and forget about the doctors and their practices . She could easily just sit outside and visit with people in the park but she stays inside and after her work and I am thankful for it . About noon , I took the clothes down to the washateria for her . She read her book while our clothes washed . When she got through washing , she called me and I walked back to carry our now - clean clothes back home . It wasn 't long after she got back home that we had to get ready to go down for the happy hour before the baked potato supper that was put on in the rally hall . We sat with our friends John and Jan and their daughter Ann who brought her children , ages 1 and 4 . We had a nice time visiting with them and fun to watch the little ones with all their energy . John and Jan used to go to Durango Colorado so we had those locations and attractions in common . After finishing our meal , we sat around talking to our friends and came on back home to watch a little TV before going to bed . So long . I woke late this morning . I guess its because it was pretty cold this morning and I was warm and snuggled up in my blankie in the recliner . I woke about 3AM and was reading the news on the computer and went back to sleep . We had gotten an email about an open house on " work kamping " that was being held today at the Woodlands Marriott hotel where a KOA convention was being held . We are just starting out in our work camping experience , so we are looking for any information we can get . We found the hotel after parking a couple of blocks away , following the directions of our GPS that I named SWMBO - She Who Must Be Obeyed . I don 't know why she directed us to the parking lot where she did , but we had a short walk to the hotel . We were immediately put off by the number of people wearing KOA shirts or vests that did not speak or would not even make eye contact with us . A few were friendly but many were not . There was no one at the table in front of the room where the open house was being held , so we just walked in . There were numerous tables in the large meeting room where different KOA locations had set up to talk to prospective work kampers . We spoke with one from Montana and were told some of the details of working at their location . We continued around the room but were soon directed to a lady who was the greeter . She explained the KOA policies to us . She said that We would have to pay $ 35 . 00 each if we wanted to work for their company to access their website to find job opportunities . We would be paid minimum wage , which is $ 7 . 25 for between 20 - 35 hours weekly . We were also told that the fee would also get us a card worth 10 % off at any KOA park . After talking to her for a bit longer , we went back inside the room and talked briefly to some people from a park in Oregon , but I think our minds were made up at this point . Why would anyone pay to get a job for minimum wage ? Most of the people we know are not big fans of KOA anyway , so I don 't think we are interested in work there , so we left . We decided to go to the Post OffiPosted by We had another big crowd for coffee this morning . Warren 's daughter and son in law stopped by on their way to work so we had to set up another table to handle the new folks . Stella cleaned the big pot that we had used for the hobo stew after we had breakfast and worked for her clients all morning while I surfed the Internet . I am working on another Heartland luncheon in the valley in February and was in contact with Jim B . about some of the arrangements . This past Feb . we had 63 people at the luncheon in McAllen but I don 't know how many to expect this year . This afternoon , Stella cut my hair off . I have been wanting to go with a bald look for awhile because I like the look and because so many of my friends have been diagnosed with cancer and this is my way of honoring them . After I shave my head , I will take a photo to show you what I look like with a bald head . I 'm told that a man inherits his hair from his grandfathers . Grandpa Coffman had white thick hair and Grandaddy Chandler was almost completely bald with a small amount of white hair on the sides . I guess it 's true because mine was a combination of the two ; was very thin on top and most of what I had was white or silver . It is very very short now while I get used to it . I took a little kidding from my friends here in the park right after she got through but I like it so far . We stayed inside and watched television for the rest of the night . Another peaceful night in the park . So long . There was no breakfast in the rally hall this morning and since it 's Sunday , we don 't do coffee . We all take Sunday off from discussing all of the world 's problems since it IS a day of rest . Stella and I decided to go out for breakfast this morning . She wanted to go to IHOP , but when we got there , the parking lot was full and there were people standing outside waiting to get in so we decided to try somewhere else . We ended up at Skeeters , the restaurant that Cameron doesn 't like . Kim told us that the last time we took the boys there , Cameron came home with a list of things he didn 't like . There was some good that came out of this review . He apparently shared his dislike with other kids in his school , so when his class started doing a newsletter , his teacher made Cam the restaurant reviewer . He now reports on places in and around Texas City . Perhaps he 'll grow up to be a newspaper reporter . Cameron would have given another bad report on Skeeters . The biscuits , sausage and bacon were all cold and the orange juice was lukewarm . I sent in a comment card to the company . It will be interesting to see if I hear back from them . We came back home and while I caught up on my blog and surfed the ' net , Stella got ready to go to Melissa 's shower . I watched football all afternoon while Stella and most of the other women still here in the park went to the shower . When she returned , she said Melissa got many nice gifts . She is having a little girl this time ( she has four boys ) so she needed almost everything for a girl . It sounds to me like she pretty - much got it . We 're happy for her . So long . We started the morning having coffee in the Lone Star room . We were also having breakfast in the same room , prepared by Frank and Nancy , so Jim had come down and made coffee in the small pot for us coffee drinkers to sip on and Frank made his coffee for the breakfast in the bigger pot . There is a rally in the park this weekend but they are making their own breakfast in the Rayford room . Stella stayed down in the Lone Star room for awhile visiting with the other ladies there . I came home and watched television - I have a group of TV shows on Saturday morning - Powerblock TV . I have been watching these shows for a few years and although I like the theme of the shows , it has been very interesting to watch the change of the characters . Just about the time I get used to the character and think they are doing well , I turn the show on and the character is gone . I 'll probably never understand . Stella came home and made cookies for me . She makes the absolute best sugar - free cookies . Some she makes with chocolate chips and some are like the pecan sandies with pecans and sometimes she makes them with coconut and pecans . She can make them any way she wants because I LOVE THEM ! ! I worked on the water problem that we had last night . I didn 't find a problem with the water filter like I thought it would , so I put it all back together and it works fine now . The only thing I can think of is that I suspended the hose off the ground when the lawn guys came by on Wednesday and I must have gotten the hose in some kind of a bind that cut the water flow off . Stella made cornbread for tonight 's Hobo Stew meal that we are having . It is another " street meal " with the park shutting down a small section of the road so we can set up heaters and fire pits and everyone eats around the fire . I was put in charge of the medal preparations , so I along with several others , brought chairs , tables , fire pits , heaters , the burner for cooking the stew and the stew pot . The park furnished the cooking equipment and the meat and the winter Texans furnished thePosted by Wow , we had a lot of guys in for coffee this morning . Several men from the Holiday Rambler rally group joined us , making it " cozy " . We really had plenty of room but did have to set up a new table . We stayed in again today and Stella worked on her client 's books all day long . I just walked around the park , talking to people . It was a very nice day again weather wise , so it was nice to be outside . I walked down to the dog run and the children 's play area and saw that everything has been replaced that was damaged from the storm . This was the last area of damage to be repaired . I worked on the water filter in the afternoon . It has been awhile since I changed the filter cartridge , so I turned the water off and changed it . Later in the afternoon , Stella started getting ready to go to play bingo and while taking her shower , the water just stopped . She had been in the shower for a few minutes when it stopped , so I went outside to check everything . I didn 't find anything wrong with the lines or hose , so I disconnected the filter , thinking something must be wrong with it . The water came back on and ran fine , so I don 't know why it cut off . The only thing I can think of is that there was a kink in the hose that I didn 't notice and somehow it got straightened out . Stella went down and played bingo and of course she didn 't win . Everyone knows those games are rigged ! Our friends Warren won one game , his wife Judy won another and another family split the last two games . They 're rigged I 'm telling you ! So long . Today was a very slow day . I began with coffee as usual and came home to eat breakfast . I ate the leftover biscuits from yesterday because we were pretty much out of everything for breakfast foods . We have not been to the grocery store in a long time , so after finishing breakfast , we went to Sam 's to buy soaps and other cleaning items that are cheaper and where we have not been since August . From there we went to HEB for groceries . We spent a total of almost $ 250 . 00 , but as I said , it has been a long time since we 've been to the store . I stayed in the trailer all afternoon , working on the computer and surfing the net . We ate supper at home and went for a walk around the park . We stopped by Jim and Rita 's to visit with them . Ted and Donna and Rick and Brenda were supposed to have come over tonight to play a game but Ted had to go out of town for work , so they had to cancel . It was just as well because Stella has some projects that she is working on for her clients , so we called Rick and Brenda and cancelled altogether . We will re - schedule the game playing for another time when we can all get together . So long . Posted by I woke this morning and went to the rally hall for coffee as usual . About 7 : 30 , I noticed Bob out loading their Smart car onto their truck Big Mama . I went out and watched him get loaded up and then walked down to talk to him and Christina as they loaded their trailer to leave . They made several of the men and and one of the wives come over to look closer at their rig I think most of the men want a big truck like Big Mama but like me , they can 't convince their wife to buy one . I can justify one all I want , but with Stella 's bad knees , I 'll never get to buy one . I 've been a good boy this year , so maybe Santa will get me a new truck . They pulled out shortly and make for a very impressive outfit . They plan to drive about halfway to Harlingen and stop for the night . They can sleep in the truck , using their small generator and air conditioner to keep them comfortable . They really do have all the comforts in the truck , but I 'm still not going to get one . . . . . After they pulled out , Stella and I went down for her to see Dr . Gulde at the hospital in Texas City . I sat in the parking lot and read a book that I had brought along . Let me tell you , the weather is spectacular this time of year . No rain , just a very few clouds in the sky and about 77 - 78 degrees with a nice cool breeze blowing makes it easy to sit in the truck reading . When Stella got through , we ran some more errands in the area . We went by the house and picked up the mail and called a company to check on getting the yard mowed . Since we have decided to keep the house until the market comes back a little more , we need to get it and keep it mowed . We picked up Tyler and Cameron at the karate school where they go after getting out of school and took them home . Tyler wanted to go to Uncle Chan 's for supper , so that is where we went . I can tell a definite difference in the boys and they are growing up . They still insist on whispering around me , so nothing has changed there . I am so proud of these boys , they have their adult lives and careers all planned out . Tyler wantsPosted by Here we are having a great lunch at the El Palenque restaurant . I started out the day in the rally hall . We are having 11 - 12 guys down for coffee every morning . When I came home , Stella fixed us some breakfast while I talked with Bob as he loaded his motorcycle onto the trailer behind their Landmark trailer . They have decided to leave tomorrow instead of Thursday as they had planned . We will be very sorry to see them go but hopefully we will see them again soon when we go to Stephen F . Austin state park in January . We had told Bob and Christina that we would go for a ride around Houston one day before they left , so we knew today would have to be the day . We got loaded up and took off around 11 : 00 and decided to go up to Huntsville to the Texas Prison Museum . Before we got there we stopped at the huge statue of Sam Houston which is on I - 45 just before getting to Huntsville . The statue is modeled on a 10 : 1 scale , and since Old Sam was 6 ' 6 or 6 ' 7 " , the statue is 67 feet tall and sits on a 10 ' base . Sam Houston was a very interesting man . He was the first and only man to be elected governor of two states ( Tennessee and Texas ) , was elected to Congress in both states , and was the first President of the Republic of Texas . We toured two of his houses and the small museum on the grounds . When we got through there , no one wanted to go to the Walls prison unit . We did go spend over an hour at the Prison Museum in Huntsville on I - 45 . It was very interesting and I was able to give some more insights into some of the prisoners and events that have happened over the years when I was in law enforcement . I probably put more than 50 people in the penitentiary during my years as a cop . It was always very satisfying to lock someone up because I was always positive that they were guilty . Most of the time , they confessed or there was positive evidence that linked them to the crime , fingerprints or DNA . We returned to this area to eat lunch / supper at El Palenque . Bob and Christina both wanted mexican food and this was probably the best in Jay Coffman Today was another stay in the park and hang out with our friends day . Stella and I did run one little errand and went to the bank to deposit our check from Camping World and stopped at Wal Mart to pick up a few items . When we got home , we went to the Rayford room where there was to be a Margarita Monday get together and then some games of LCR . Instead of chips , it is played with quarters ( or dollars for the high rolling players ) . I seldom play but Stella loves to play and occasionally wins some money . She never shares the money she wins with me but it does make her happy and out of my hair for awhile . . . . . LOLWhen she got home from the games - she said she didn 't win - we went to meet Ted and Donna and later Rick and Brenda at the Sweet Tomato restaurant in the Woodlands . It was a good choice because we all enjoy the restaurant . We came back home and watched television for the rest of the evening . I didn 't mention yesterday that I met another Heartland owner here in the park . I met Mary Ann , who had just come in from Eagle Colorado . She and her husband plan to stay here for awhile . They are the owners of a Bighorn 3055 , similar to our old trailer that we traded in for this one . She said that they haven 't had any major problems with this trailer but haven 't been able to use it as much as they wanted to . Until now , that is . I gave them one of the Heartland contact cards and also one of my personal cards for contact information . I look forward to seeing them around the park . So long . There was no coffee in the rally hall this morning , so I just slept in . I slept in my chair until about 7 : 30 , very late for me ! At least I got caught up on my sleep this morning . Stella fixed us some french toast this morning for breakfast . We stayed inside most of the day and watched football . It was very relaxing and that new television is GREAT ! ! I 'm so glad we decided to upgrade . The picture is unbelievable and I haven 't even had to do anything to " tweak " it . In the early afternoon , more of our friends arrived . Pete and Jean arrived from Livingston where they ran into one of our Boomer friends , Barbara Spade . They had been expected to arrive yesterday but had a problem with their Hitchhiker trailer . In the spring when they took the trailer to storage , Pete had run off the road and had to be pulled back onto the road by a wrecker . Apparently when the wrecker pulled him back onto the road , it had damaged the suspension . When they pulled it into the park today , the entire left side of the suspension was loose and one of the tires had rubbed against the shock absorber . Pete said he had pulled into a veterinarian 's office overnight and he had to sleep in the truck . They made it in today but will have to take the trailer back to a shop to be repaired . We went to El Palenque again with our friends tonight and it was a great time . This group can certainly get rowdy ! Kim once said that she couldn 't believe what us " old people " do and talk about , and this group is the poster child for that ! We came back home and watched the Cowboys beat the Eagles , which Stella loved ! I like to give her a hard time about her " Boys " but I 'm secretly glad when they win . Sadly the Texans lost to the Colts but it was not unexpected . It began to rain just after I went to bed and it rained all night long , not a heavy rain but a soft rain . We really don 't need any more rain but the farmers are probably glad for it . So long . I went to the rally hall this morning but found that they had locked the cabinets in the Lone Star room . The Rayford room was also locked , so I called Jim to see if he was coming down for coffee , but woke him up . He said he would come down and soon arrived . I made coffee for us and a couple of other guys that came down . I had told Diane that I would make coffee for the potluck breakfast that was scheduled for 9 o ' clock . I went back to the trailer to check on Stella and saw Jerry and Joanne as they drove past on their way out . I stayed around the rally hall for breakfast and as usual , had a great breakfast . I 've never gotten a bad meal at a potluck . You can tell from my belly that I 've been to a lot of potlucks . Stella and I came back home and got ready to go visit with our good friends that are being treated at the Medical Center . Bob and Christina were supposed to go with us , but Christina woke up feeling ill and decided not to go . Both Jim and Judy have lessened immune systems due to their chemo treatment , so it is better that Christina not go to keep from the possibility of infecting them . When we got there , they were all sitting outside of Bill and Ornell 's trailer . Bill had fixed some chili for everyone , so after visiting for awhile , we ate . Some ate chili pie with Fritos and a couple ate only the chili . It was good and we all had a good time . Both Judy and Jim ate well , which was good . We had a very nice visit with our friends and left about 4 : 30 . Traffic was bad and it took us about an hour and a half to get back to the park . Rick and Brenda called to invite us to go to the Opry in Conroe , but it was too late by the time we got back for us to go . We 'll try to go later . There was nothing going on in the park when we got home , so we went inside and relaxed and watched television for the rest of the night . It is cool and damp enough to sleep well under the covers but not too cool to require the heater on for comfort . This is my favorite time of the year . So long . Wow , we had 12 guys for coffee this morning . I came back to the trailer and Stella fixed us some biscuits and sausage for breakfast . Stella washed clothes most of the morning and came back home in time to cook her corn dish to take over to Bob and Christina 's where we were having supper . It was Jerry and Joanne 's last night in the park . They are leaving tomorrow for Red Bay Alabama where they will get to see their new Tiffin motorhome being built . They are buying another Phaeton but this time will get one a little longer and having a tag axle . I didn 't ask Jerry too many questions about his new rig but it sounds very nice . We went over to Bob and Christina 's trailer and had a delicious meal . Christina said she had been up at 4 o ' clock in the morning getting everything ready . Bob cooked the steaks on the grill and we all enjoyed our time together . Stella left to go play bingo in the rally hall and I went to check to see if there was anything I needed to do to help get the game going but there wasn 't . I returned home and watched some television . You know , I want to rant a little bit about the new time we switched over to last weekend . I can 't get used to the new time and every night about 8 : 30 or so , I get really sleepy and several nights have actually gone to bed before 9 if you can believe that ! It gets dark by 6 and it seems so late by 7 o ' clock . Maybe after a few weeks of the new time I will get used to it . Daylight Savings Time has been used by the United States and many European countries since World War I . The plan was not formally adopted in the US until 1918 and was observed for seven months . The law was so unpopular , it was repealed . DST became a local option and was adopted by a few states and several local cities . During WWII , President Franklin Roosevelt instituted year - round daylight savings time for the duration of the war . From 1945 - 1966 there was no federal law regarding DST so states and localities were free to choose whether or not to observe Daylight Saving Time and could choose when it began and enPosted by |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . I had a bad start to the morning . First off , the winds were down right scary last night , and they kept waking me up . I expected a tree to fall on the house , they were so bad . Amazingly , as far as I could tell , no trees fell . Next , I started out for work , and my car wouldn 't start . After thoroughly checking the battery 's connection and charge , I had to call a tow truck . I ended up an hour and a half late for work . Fortunately , I was able to use my dad 's car . I think it is the starter . I 'm still waiting to hear - I 'm sure it will be expensive . Thunder , my cat , was thrilled . At last , he was able to keep me home longer to cuddle . He purred and purred and purred . My rides last night were good . The river was too high to cross , but we missed the bad rain yesterday , and the forecast looks good . It think we will be crossing on the weekend . I rode Cruiser on the hill 3 times . I rode Cole in the indoor arena . I have truly slayed the dragon - I spent most of my ride doing full laps at the walk and trot , and I wasn 't afraid a single time . He didn 't spook , either . Hurray ! I think that stage is over with . Our issues now are more complicated . He loses his balance when we go from corners to straight and back to corners . I 'm sure most of it is me . If he had a normal trot , I could just sit still - but with the big trot , I have to try to stay still and still coordinate my aids for the changes . I have a long way to go … I rode him down the hill to the river after the ride , and he was very hyper . He only trotted once , but he walked very , very fast . I have found that our horses are always more hyper in the evenings , and Cole is no exception . He has been doing well when I ride him down in the mornings after our arena ride . I shouldn 't have bee surprised when he was a firecracker when I turned to go up . I ended up leading him , and he still was a problem - trying to trot , but not as much as in the past when I have had to lead him up . It will just take us time . Yes , today is my little horse 's birthday . We are going to celebrate by going for a ride - - in the arena , I 'm sure . I saw the radar , and there is more rain on it 's way . I doubt if I could cross the river , anyway . Hopefully I can get a quick ride on Cruiser on the hill going to the river before the rain hits . Hard to believe I have only crossed the river with Cole once this month . That 's even with 2 long weekends . I have crossed more with Cruiser because I will cross him when it is higher , and sometimes there isn 't enough time to take both on trail after work . The rain just won 't quit ! I got out to the barn yesterday evening for my rides , and was relegated to the arena , again . I started out with Cole . It was great - I was the only person riding the whole time . My riding space was limited because the roof was leaking so bad there were numerous slick spots . He remained calm with the rain thundering on the metal roof . I don 't think I have ever ridden in there when it was so loud . After 45 minutes , the rain eased up , and I took him outside and rode on the driveway . It was a mess - good day to work on puddles . Then , a miracle happened . The rain stopped altogether . I still had a little daylight left , so I threw Cole in his stall and saddled up Cruiser . We rode down to the river . It was high and rising . We did 2 quick trips until it started looking dark . We finished our ride on the driveway , too . I was talking to a boarder at the stables next door , and she said she talked to someone who knew me that was looking for a horse to lease . It turned out to be the woman who I leased a horse from 24 years ago . She got me started . Her horse must have died . ( Not the same one - that mare died only a few months after I stopped leasing . ) We keep popping in and out of each other 's lives . There is a horse at our barn that she may be interested in , so I will be getting in touch with her . It 's been a while , so we will have a lot of catching up to do . All we had this weekend was rain ! 3 days off , and I never crossed the river . My sister and I just rode Cruiser and Ranger on the hill - - over and over . 2 of the 3 days , we just got in before the rain started , again , and those days , Cole didn 't go on the hill at all . Friday was a surreal day . It was dentist day at our boarding stables , and nearly everyone was out . We use our vet as a dentist , so we weren 't involved with it . Cole was in fine form , having blown some steam off first , as you can see in the picture . Anyway , as we worked , people started to gather and just watch us . They were all milling around . Some people brought their horses in the arena , and just stood there , watching . . . Many of them never saw me ride him before , as they typically don 't come out in the mornings . Cole started getting compliments right and left . Remember his awesome trot ? Seems like the more people watching , the better it gets . Finally , John came out to watch . Though I usually see him in the mornings , I have never ridden Cole with him . I like to ride Cruiser first , and John leaves by the time I ride Cole . Besides , John rides too fast on that huge Saddlebred , and he makes me nervous . Anyway , John used to be a professional trainer in the saddle seat world and is still a horse show judge . When I saw him watching , I was curious to see his reaction to Cole 's trot . After all , he has been around the horse world more than most of us , though he rides and trains very differently than me . His response , " Wow , you have a $ 50 , 000 . 00 horse . Dressage people would pay a fortune for him . " I guess that meant he liked him . Cole is going to be my next awesome trail horse , regardless of how pretty his trot is . We just need it to stop raining so I can start training him on the trail , again . He has only been across the river three times this year . After our ride , people just gathered around us , petting him and talking to me . Cole is now a celebrity at our stables . I thought they were going to ask for his autograph . They just seemed to want to be around him . I know it had nothing to do with me . It was really , really weird . I write a lot about Cole , since he is my project horse , but Cruiser is the love of my life . I have had him for 21 years , and we are terrific partners . I know him inside and out , and I think he knows me , just as well . I hope someday , it will be like that with Cole . My sister sent me this picture of us , today . I think she must have taken it last fall . Cruise is a Morab like Cole , but he is a 50 / 50 cross where Cole is 75 / 25 . Cruiser acts and moves like a 100 % Arabian . He has boundless energy - - even though he is nearly 24 . Last night , I took him on trail , and he was wild ! It is funny how Cole can scare me when he gets a little wild , and I am thrilled when Cruiser is as hyper as can be . He wanted to run , but I told him we had to wait for that . He was squealing and dancing . When he trotted , he went fast , and when he walked , he gaited . Yes , Cruiser is gaited . He does a stepping pace , and it gets faster each year . I rode Cole in the arena , and we improved our leg yielding , worked on bending and practiced transitions . I was able to influence his trot tempo by changing my tempo , and I was surprised how easy it was . When he rushed , I slowed and steadied him down - - and then he would go into the pretty trot ! I had a 3 - day weekend . The vet was scheduled to come out Friday afternoon to give round one of spring shots . My sister had to work , but since she works afternoons , she spent the morning with me . We started out with a trail ride on Cruiser and Ranger . We tried to trot , once , and they were very fast . We decided to walk the rest of the way . They behaved beautifully at a walk and we had a nice time . I think we were out about an hour . Then , it was Cole 's turn . My sister drove down to the trail on the other side of the river and waited for us . We had no trouble going down the hill and crossing the river . In fact , he did very well , so I thought it would be a good time to try and trot . I had the same problem with him as we had with Cruiser and Ranger . I tried 4 times for very short distances . Twice , he broke into a canter , once he went into a fast trot and didn 't want to stop and once he went into a fast trot and I got him to stop readily after about 10 steps . There is no doubt he was excited to move out on the trail . Hopefully he will be better next time . My sister left to go to work , and I rode him across the river and up the hill by myself . Once again , he was anxious to get home , and kept trying to trot - though he was better than the last time I crossed the river with him . When I got back to the barn , we rode about 10 minutes in the indoor arena . Saturday morning was sunny but windy . We took Cruiser and Ranger out for an identical ride with more trotting . They did much better . I had Cole saddled and ready to go when it started to pour . Alas , I was stuck in the indoor arena . We had a good ride , but it was notable that he did his trail trot instead of his big trot . It only took one day on trail to convert him ! The arena started to get crowded , so I decided to ride him down the hill . The rain was light when we left . Of course , that changed once I got to the bottom . I turned to come back . Overall , he was perfect . Not once did I have to correct him . Sunday - it was the inevitable high river . My sister and I took Ranger and Cruiser up and down the hill 3 times - trotting on the bottom where it is flat . They were great in spite of the high wind . I started Cole in the arena , where he was strangely calm , even though the windows and doors were making all kinds of noises from the wind . After 50 minutes , I decided to give him a break and just lead him down the hill . That way , if a tree fell , at least I wouldn 't fall , too . As it was , only a small branch fell , and Cole didn 't even notice . When we were almost back to the barn , he did a little bit of trotting . I made him stop and stand for a minute before continuing . Once we got back , I led him up and down the driveway for 10 minutes . I 'm hoping that next weekend will have better weather so I can really get him out on the trail . I am getting a little frustrated . At least Cruiser is improving . He is doing quite well when I ride him by myself in the evenings . He just needs to relax when trotting with other horses . I had a lovely ride with Cruiser in the park . We went a little further which meant another river crossing . This one , the water is very still , and it was surprisingly deep . We had trouble seeing the rocks on the bottom , and he stumbled once . I think I may start crossing on the concrete ford until the water level drops a little more . I would like to plot a course across to avoid the big rocks . He was very excited . We did a lot of trotting on the way out , and he gaited most of the way home . He has a lot of energy for a horse that is nearly 24 . We were out for an hour . I started out riding Cole in the indoor arena . My young friend asked me if I would ride on the driveway with her . Her horse needs more confidence . I actually led Cole , and he only acted up once . When she left , he didn 't care , and we did it again . Since he seemed to be in a good frame of mind , I decided to get brave . For the first time ever , I attempted the large outdoor arena . It is at least 3 times the size of the indoor and there are lots of distractions . Add to that the fact that he is used to running and playing in it , I was hesitant to try it before . I led him in circles by the gate . He was paying attention , so I mounted and rode circles . He seemed a little distracted , but we managed it . Finally , I took a deep breath and asked for a trot . After a couple steps , he took off running - throwing a little buck in . Since I was close to the gate , he didn 't get very fast . I put him into a very tight circle . He doesn 't like that , so he stopped . I don 't know where all this bravery is coming , but even though I was still shaking , I asked him to trot , again . I clicked him for the transition , so then he stopped for his treat . I asked him again , and after 5 - 6 steps , I said " whoa " and he instantly stopped and I clicked him . It is so nice to have my old , bold self come back after a winter of insecurity . Maybe it is riding Cruiser out on the trails when he is fit to burst from excitement that is making me my old brave self . Anyway , I felt good . Tomorrow is spring shots round one . I 'm taking the day off work and we will do some riding first . The weather is even supposed to be tolerable . It should be a fine day at the barn . Recently , I was riding my sister 's horse , Ranger , and my boyfriend , Kevin , was riding my horse , Cruiser , in the park . It was a sunny morning , and it had not rained in a couple days . We were both unfamiliar with riding our mounts - neither of us was on our own horse - but just the same ; we had a very successful ride . Suddenly , there was a " crack " and the horses froze . Then there was a " crack , crack . " The horses spun and started to run . We were able to stop them before we got very far by spinning them to face the noise . They were very nervous and jumpy . Kevin suggested dismounting because it sounded like a tree cracking . We didn 't know if it would continue to crack or even fall . The biggest risk for falling trees is a day or two after a severe storm . The storm will weaken the trees , but they will not fall for a right away . I agreed with Kevin , because I didn 't feel like falling off a spooking horse . I warned him to really hold tight to the reins . A scared horse can jerk free fairly easy if the rider isn 't prepared for it . That is the biggest risk with leading your horse through a difficult situation and should always be taken in consideration before you decide to dismount . We started to lead them down the trail . It was just seconds later that we started hearing the cracks again . We stopped and watched in disbelief as a large tree fell across the trail about fifty feet ahead . We would have been very close to the spot if we had not heard the warning cracks . Our horses jumped , but did not panic badly . Surprisingly , this was the third time in three years that these two horses witnessed a tree falling close by . It just proves that continued exposure to a crisis situation will desensitize horses to the fear . I think we 've had enough of this exposure . If this keeps up - trees falling wherever we go - no one will want to ride with us . What it really proves to me is that someone is watching over us , keeping us safe . For in all threes instances , no one was harmed , and all we ended up with was a racing heartPosted by I made it across the river with Cruiser ! We went by ourselves and trotted wherever the trail warranted . He behaved and finally seems to have gotten over the worst of his springtime hyperness . Okay , he did insist on gaiting most of the way home , but he was doing that a lot last summer . He does a stepping pace that is much faster than a walk , but slower than his trot . It sure felt great just to go out and trot . it was our most vigorous ride of the year , though it was no more than an hour . It just felt great . I rode Cole in the indoor arena , and though we had a few little snafus , overall I was very pleased . I was having trouble coordinating the leg yield in my hard direction , but I was getting it right last night . We practiced walk / trot trans with the clicker , and then when I stayed at the trot , it was fantastic . I guess that is the way to warm him up for it . We did lots of circles , of course and even worked on the scary end . It is no longer scary . My new problem is when I ride the long wall back towards the gate . Though he never got out of control , we had trouble with the turn . That will just take practice . I have a long weekend coming up , and I am hoping to get him on trail 3 days in a row . At that point , if I feel confident with taking him out on my own , I may start riding him on the trail in the evening , too . I should have enough time to do it next week . Then , it will be goodbye arena for a while . I 'm tired of high rivers . I rode Friday , Saturday and Sunday - up and down the hill to the river . We probably could have crossed with Cruiser and Ranger , yesterday , but my sister was a little nervous about doing it , and I certainly won 't push the issue . We did do some trotting at the bottom of the hill a number of times to get the guys used to trotting together , again . the problem isn 't her horse , it is Cruiser . He likes to race Ranger . Since it was so hot , we got them to settle down with the trotting . Hopefully they will remember next weekend when we ride together , hopefully , on the main trail . Cole stayed in the arena with one trip down the hill on Saturday and Sunday . The hill has always been our stumbling block , and I am glad to say that yesterday he was nearly perfect . Our problem - he wants to trot . Downhill , I think it is a momentum issue . Uphill , I think it is an " I want to get home issue . " I have been clicking him for lowering his head and walking - just like I have trained him in the arena . It is so cute when he so purposely points his nose downward and waits for that click . Saturday , he was dancing on the street , so when we got back to the barn , I led him around the property and didn 't go right back to the stall . I decided to make that the routine for a while . Sunday , he was fine on the street and only took one trot step on the drive . He did pretty good on his arena rides . He is doing quite well leg yielding on his good direction . I am having trouble coordinating the difficult direction . My body just won 't listen to me , and he is getting confused . It is very frustrating for me . We will work on it more , tonight . I have had some uneventful trail rides . Monday , it was raining too hard to take Cruiser out . I just led him in the arena . Wednesday , it stopped raining , but the river was too high . We just went up and down the hill 3 times with Starry . It rained all night , so that will probably be the case tonight and tomorrow . I worked Cole in the arena . I have started to teach him to leg yield . I never had a horse I could teach leg yielding . Cruiser is a straight line horse . He wants to get from A to B in the most efficient way possible . He just didn 't get lateral moves at all . Eventually , I gave up . I did try it with Mingo the last summer I rode him . It seemed like he was understanding it a little with the help of the clicker , but one day , he quit cooperating with me , and we struggled with everything from then on . Looking back , I know now that that is when he started feeling sick . Cole , well he seemed to get it right away - as long as I cued him precisely . Now , I really don 't know what I am doing - just using what I have read in books . I never had a lesson - never could afford it . I have always had one too many horse to afford any sort of luxury . I never rode a proper lateral movement in my life - making it all doubly hard . It seems that timing is everything . When I figured out that I needed to cue him at precisely at the right moment - that moment when I would ask a horse to move over on the trail and actually get a smooth and seamless response . I knew how to do this , but I just needed to take it one step further . With the help of clicker , when I got it right , so did he - and he got clicked . If I think about it too much , my timing is off . It reminds me of when I used to play foosball in high school . I was really quite good , but I couldn 't say what I was doing . I had to duplicate the feeling of the last successful angle shot . If I thought too hard about it , I failed . I just keep trying to duplicate the feeling of success . We worked on it for 2 consecutive rides . We are now taking one lateral step in each direction at a walk . I can tell he is trying very hard to understand what I want . When we are learning it , he doesn 't notice anything else going on . He is completely focused on me . I think that is the clicker training . He has something to gain by learning . The other night , one of the boarders came up to tell me that Cole is the most beautiful moving horse she has ever seen , and then she told me something I never thought about , but I believe is true . She said that Cole seems to enjoy working with me . I modestly told her that it was the clicker , not me . I suppose I should get some credit , though . I am the one who chose to go the clicker route . We are back to riding our horses regularly on the trail , and our horses have been a handful . They are so excited to get out and stretch their legs on the trail . We are now working on transforming them into what we refer to as " summer horses . " We have to do this transformation every year . You would think that horses that have been ridden hundreds of miles on the trail each year wouldn 't get so excited when they first get out again in the spring . Mingo has been doing his grunt and buck routine , Cruiser has been tossing his head and squealing before he dashes forward ( we call this his death squeal ) and Ranger has started his prancing / jogging when he is supposed to walk . Cruiser and Ranger have a tendency to get very competitive together , and that is our biggest problem . We are fine when we are walking , but when we pick up the pace , it gets tricky . They both want to be lead horse . Until they settle down at a trot , we don 't even consider cantering . Unfortunately , both of them can trot at lightning speed . One time , a woman with a big Thoroughbred joined us on a ride . We asked her if we could do some trotting , and she agreed . We were speeding along in our usual manner , and I glanced back to see her cantering . After we stopped , I apologized that we went so fast that she had to canter to keep up . Her response was , " What do you mean canter , I was galloping ! " Our solution to settling down our silly spring horses involves doing a few things . Since Ranger is just a little faster than Cruiser , I find that it helps to trot Cruiser directly behind Ranger and use Ranger 's body as an obstacle to keep Cruiser from passing . As long as Cruiser doesn 't pass , Ranger will keep at a reasonable speed . It isn 't the easiest thing for me to do , but when I get it right , we can trot fairly quietly . Another thing we will try is to only trot or canter short distances . We call it practicing our transitions . The idea is to stop before they get hyper and start to race . The secret is in the timing , and sometimes the horses are a couple steps ahead of us and it turns into a race - just what we want to avoid . We then bring them to a walk and start all over . Another thing that sometimes helps is a technique we discovered a couple years ago , which we call " putting them into position . " I will take the lead with Cruiser , and my sister will ride Ranger next to me with his head lined up to my leg . This sort of tricks Cruiser into thinking he is in the lead position , which he prefers . Ranger feels in charge because he is in the " driving position " and is pushing Cruiser to go forward . They seem to settle down when we ride them like this as long as I don 't allow Cruiser to go as fast as Ranger is pushing him to go . When nothing else works , we try our last resort - separating . If they can 't behave together , we make them go by themselves . This is the worst punishment we can think of because these two horses are the best of friends . We had to do this the other day when Ranger was being just awful . My sister turned him around to go home and made him trot for a few miles . Cruiser and I continued on with Mingo at a trot . We reached our destination , and turned around to go home . We intercepted Ranger coming back towards us . My sister said he was so upset that he never stopped screaming to Cruiser . We continued on home together and had few problems after that . They were both a little tired because of all the trotting and were happy to be together again . Maybe they were even afraid that we would separate them again . The oddest thing is if we ride Mingo and Cruiser together or Mingo and Ranger together , we aren 't having any problems at all . Mingo seems to quiet the other horses down . He is not a very competitive horse , and often will hang back a hundred feet or so behind and be very happy . We call him our anchor . If he is in a faster mood , we let him take the lead and the other horses don 't care that much . It must be a case of herd dynamics that we don 't understand . Like I mentioned earlier , his spring problem is the grunt and buck . The best thing we can do is get him out on the trail and get him tired . We sure don 't mind an excuse to ride on the trail more often ! I didn 't get as much riding as I would have liked this weekend . Friday evening , I got to the barn a bit earlier than normal , and took Cruiser on an hour ride . He was still wound up as could be . We did intermittent trotting . As soon as he got too extended ( which happened a lot ) , I made him walk . Extended trots are bad for bad tendons . In the old days , I would just let him trot it out , but now , I try to control his speed . Fast trotting is fine - no more mega - trot . I had enough daylight to take Cole on a short ride . This was our second ride across the river , and only the second evening ride , ever . I shouldn 't have been surprised when he kept trying to rush on the way home , but I was disappointed . I ended up leading and circling and stopping and standing . It took a long time to get home . Saturday , my sister and I took Cruise and Ranger on a short ride together - all at a walk , and they were great . We didn 't try trotting because we hated to break the spell . Next weekend . We were short on time because our very best friend was bringing her daughter out to visit and ride Ranger , so I rode Cole for a bit in the arena and then rode him down to the river . Unlike the day before , he was great both away from home and on the way back . What a relief . Sunday , I had to go somewhere with my dad , so I didn 't get to ride with Ellen . She had to work , anyway . I took Cruiser on a short trail ride and we trotted a lot . He was much , much better . He only got hard to manage a few times . I didn 't have the time for Cole because I got out so late , so I turned him out to play and took him on a walk to the river and back . Once again , he was fine . I don 't know what happened to him Friday evening , but I hope it doesn 't happen , again . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
February 2 , 2008 ) - ( Please note that I 've made some changes to this page honoring my friend , Lonnie Harvey . I 've added and repositioned some photos and have also added a new story about a concert that we attended back in 1962 . Hopefully you haven 't forgotten about Lonnie , I know I haven 't , and will enjoy this new story . I 'll add a few more from time to time . I look forward to your comments . ) On September 15 , 2007 I received a totally unexpected phone call . Mary Sands Miller , a schoolmate of mine going back to at least the 5th grade , called me and asked why I was not at my best friend 's funeral ? It had just taken place in Riverside , California and she was a bit shocked that I , of all people , hadn 't shown up at the memorial . Lonnie Eugene Harvey passed away on September 1 , 2007 . His death came while he was in Alaska on a fishing vacation . I don 't know any of the details except that a newspaper article said that a family member was with him at the time he suffered a heart attack . By the time help arrived it was apparently too late to save him . He was 63 . Losing friends is always a sad thing . After you 've reached the age of 60 , the loss of friends and family becomes an almost regular event . You come to understand that dying is as much a part of our existence as living . You see the process in action as more of your acquaintances begin to pass on to whatever rewards that might be awaiting them . From a logical point of view you realize that it 's part of nature refreshing and strengthening the human species by replacing each generation every 60 to 100 years . But losing some friends can be especially difficult . For me , Lonnie Harvey was one of those friends . Douglass Avenue was on the eastern edge of the junior high school , while Kansas Avenue provided the western boundary . Railroad tracks divided the City of Riverside neatly in half . The neighborhoods between those tracks and Kansas Avenue were unofficially designated as the " colored section of town . " Everyone of color ( African - Americans , Asian - Americans , Mexican - Americans and even a few poor whites ) lived within that section of town . Eighth Street ( now University Avenue ) on the north and 14th Street / Pennsylvania Avenue ( now Martin Luther King Blvd . ) on the south completed the boundaries of the unofficial " box " that held Riverside 's minority population . Since our home was located on the eastern side of the junior high and the " colored neighborhood " was on the western side , it was only natural that we 'd all meet in the middle to go to school or to play with each other in pickup baseball , football , and basketball games . For us , this was a distinct advantage because we could play with so many kids . Differences in skin colors went unnoticed and were unimportant . We simply wanted to be on the same teams with the fastest runners and best players no matter who they were . My family went to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah 's Witnesses located at Park Avenue and 5th Street , about two miles away from our home . Every JW living north of Central Avenue went to that location . There were about one hundred members made up of all ethnic groups . Among the members was a ten year old " colored " boy named Lonnie and his parents , " Brother " and " Sister " Harvey . On our first visit to the Kingdom Hall , my only thoughts were about making new friends . I met several young boys close to my age and seemed to get on well with all of them . I also noticed Lonnie , but he seemed distant and maybe a little shy . I thought he must be much older than me because he was so tall . After the meeting , my parents had an opportunity to meet the Harveys and found them to be a friendly Witness couple . One day , while we were shopping at the local Safeway Store , my mother noticed Lonnie wandering around the aisles and she recognized him as being a young boy that she saw at the Kingdom Hall . She suggested that I go over and say " hi " to him and introduce myself . I was a little nervous at first , but with a little further At first , I was a little nervous , but with a little further prodding , my mother convinced me to go speak to Lonnie . The first thing I noticed was that this tall , thin boy had the biggest smile I had ever seen . Great big beautiful white teeth seemed to literally spread evenly across his face from ear to ear . I knew at that instant that I wanted to be his friend . As we met for the first time , he turned to me and said , " Are you Johnny ? " I said that I was and shook his hand . He looked back at me and asked , " I 'm Lonnie . I 'm ten years old . Do you want to be friends ? " I soon found out that Lonnie lived less than four blocks away from my house near the corner of 12th Street and Kansas Avenue , right on the edge of the so - called " colored area . " In 1954 , there were acres of orange groves across the street from his house . I would go to Lonnie 's house and we 'd go exploring in the orange groves across from his house . Whenever the fruit was ripe , we 'd snatch a couple and eat them right there in the grove to refresh ourselves . It was only after we 'd eaten a few that Lonnie would remind me that the owners had the right to shoot us if they found us stealing their fruit . He 'd usually follow that up with a grisly story about some rotting dead body that was found in a nearby grove that was full of buckshot . One day when we went to his house after eating a few snatched oranges , his mother Hattie warned us to stay out , " ' cause they been sprayin ' all over them there groves with some kinda nasty poison ! " Thanks to his mother 's warning , for days afterward we expected to suddenly drop dead at almost any moment . Between 1955 and 1957 newer tract homes were built on both sides of Kansas Avenue between 12th and 14th streets and our little fun zone in the groves was gone forever . Early one summer day , Lonnie and I started climbing up " Sugar Loaf , " a fair sized hill located above Box Springs Grade located just east of Riverside . For some reason , unknown to me , Lonnie was in a foul mood and gave me the silent treatment all the way up the hill . The higher we got , the more frustrated and angry I became and told him why . When we finally got near the peak I took off to the left of a huge boulder and Lonnie went to the right . When I got to the top , Lonnie was nowhere to be found . I looked everywhere and starting yelling his name . In spite of the fact that I was clearly beginning to panic , Lonnie wouldn 't answer me . All I had with me was a small backpack with a couple of sodas and twenty feet of rope . Lonnie had some food and a BB rifle . If either of us got into serious trouble , there was no way the other could get him down the hill . All I had with me was a small backpack with a couple of sodas and twenty feet of rope . Lonnie had some food and a BB rifle . If either of us got into serious trouble , there was no way the other could get him down the hill . I finally found Lonnie stuck on a rock ledge . He tossed the BB rifle up to me and put on his heavy jacket to free up his hands . I tossed one end of the rope down to him . As he tried to pull himself up , his foot apparently slipped and he disappeared over the ledge and dropped behind a big boulder out of my line of sight . I briefly felt a pull on the rope - but then it went slack in my hands . I heard Lonnie scream , but I could not see him anywhere . I looked down the hill and on both sides of the big boulder overhanging the ledge . Lonnie was gone ! My panic turned into absolute despair and terror . In my My panic turned into absolute despair and terror . In my mind , I could see Lonnie 's broken body lying in a heap at the bottom of the hill . What would I tell my parents ? What would I tell the Harveys ? My heart began to pound and giant tears poured from my eyes . Seemingly out of nowhere , Lonnie appeared behind me off to my left . His body was not broken . He didn 't have a scratch on him . The whole event had been just a horrible prank . I was angry . I reacted by calling him every bad name I knew - and even invented a few more as I yelled at him . He reacted by calling me a " big crybaby " and accused me of being " a bossy little wimp . " Still wearing his heavy jacket , he sat down on a big rock , turned his back to me , and just stared out over the valley . No matter what I said , he wouldn 't answer me . He reacted by calling me a " big crybaby " and accused me of being " a bossy little wimp . " Still wearing his heavy jacket , he sat down on a big rock , turned his back to me , and just stared out over the valley . No matter what I said , he refused to answer me . I became so angry that I completely lose it . I picked up the BB rifle and began pumping pellets at his back . The heavy jacket he was wearing absorbed the shock of the BB pellets hitting him , but I was close enough that they still had to hurt . I moved up a couple of steps and shot him about five more times . Finally , Lonnie lurched forward and fell over " dead . " After miraculously " rising from the dead " a few moments later , Lonnie admitted that he wasn 't mad at me at all , but had just been teasing me the whole time . We looked at his back and found several little round bruises where the pellets had struck hard enough to hurt . I just sat down and cried - more from relief than anything else . I made him swear that he would never do anything like that again . We looked at his back and found several little round bruises where the pellets had struck hard enough to hurt . I just sat down and cried - more from relief than anything else . I made him swear that he would never do anything like that again . Years later , when we would see each other at class reunions , he 'd laugh and tell everyone that John " shot me with a rifle up on Sugar Loaf . " I 'd often suggest that he tell the whole story , but I doubt that he ever really did . And if he did , I doubt that his story ever matched the facts as I remembered them . Lonnie loved telling that story and if I was around he 'd expand on it to make it sound even more horrific than it was . With a 2 ″ x 8 ″ and a couple of 2 ″ x 4 ″ pieces of lumber , two wooden orange crates , four baby stroller wheels and a lot of help from my father , Lonnie and I built our first " soapbox derby car . " Our first version featured foot and rope steering and no brakes . As long as we were on level ground , that format worked pretty well . But " derby " cars were supposed to go downhill - and fast . My dad worked out a foot operated drag brake that worked very nicely . Lonnie was able to make a steering wheel made out of steel rebar as a project in his junior high metal shop . A few strategically placed holes cut in the box frame and some rope and pulleys , and we had ourselves a pretty decent little hot rod that steered and braked like a real car . Riding our bikes and towing the derby car behind us , we finally made it to the top of the road . We both looked down at the gravel covered surface that curved down to a sharp left turn . The lower side of the road was supported by large rocks and broken pieces of concrete placed there in an effort to reduce erosion . We both agreed that this was gong to be a really scary ride . I went first but only made it about ten yards down the road before one of the wheels came off . We eventually found the missing cotter pin and repaired the wheel . Now it was Lonnie 's turn . He wanted me to give him a running push start so that he could really go fast . I ran so hard as I pushed that the car simply got away from me . Falling face first into the gravel , I briefly lost sight of Lonnie as he hurtled down the hill . As I looked up from my prone position I saw Lonnie and the car flying off the edge of the roadside in a neat downward arc . All I could think about was how badly hurt Lonnie would be and whether the car would be salvageable . As I reached the spot where Lonnie had disappeared and looked over the edge , I saw Lonnie lying motionless in a heap on top of the chunks of concrete . The car was in shattered pieces scattered below him . Fearing the worst for Lonnie , I worked my way down the hill . Lonnie just looked up at me with his great big smile and started laughing . There was a little blood on his face and arms , but all he had suffered were a few scratches . I nearly had a heart attack , but Lonnie was OK . Unfortunately , the car did not fare as well . All four stroller wheels and the steering shaft had been damaged beyond repair . We decided to leave the wreckage behind . What was left of our beloved derby racer lay scattered amongst the rocks and debris that destroyed it . Lonnie and I were both Jehovah 's Witness kids and went to the Riverside Kingdom Hall at 5th and Park Avenue with our parents . We 'd do all the things that were expected of us - such as participating in meetings and going out in the " door - to - door service . " The difference was that my parents pushed me hard to become a truly active JW , while Lonnie 's parents didn 't seem to care much about what he did most of the time and they often did not come to meetings . Lonnie and I always enjoyed going to the Kingdom Hall because our parents would let us sit together . We could have some fun during the breaks and loved talking to some of the cute girls that went there . All the girls loved Lonnie . They would flock around us as we stood outside in the cool air and told stories and jokes . At the time , my father was a " Book Study Servant , " a minor " elder " position within the Kingdom Hall organization . Dad had never been a very good student and was a bit shy . He was very uneasy having to read or speak in public , especially in front of 60 - 100 people . One of his responsibilities , however , was to give an occasional " public talk " before the entire congregation . That situation came up three or four times a year . I was a pretty bright kid and did well in school . I had purchased a portable typewriter when I was in junior high school and would type out my father 's speeches after he prepared them . Dad could not read his own writing when he was on stage . Eventually , my father just had me write his speeches for him - which was easy enough for me to do . All Jehovah 's Witness talks follow the same basic outline , but have different titles and will use slightly different Bible quotations . For me , preparing his public talks was a " no - brainer " and at times even fun for me . Eventually , my father just preferred to let me write his speeches for him - which was easy enough for me to do . All Jehovah 's Witness talks follow the same basic outline , but have different titles and will use slightly different Bible quotations . For me , preparing his public talks was a " no - brainer " and , at times , was even fun for me . I can not remember the exact reason my father couldn 't give his scheduled talk . But there was one Sunday when I was still not quite sixteen when Dad had to withdraw due to some important conflict in scheduling or due to a health problem he was having . The call went out to other local Kingdom Halls for a replacement speaker who had given that same talk , but none were available on such short notice . My father finally suggested to the Congregation Servant that I give the talk . " Johnny writes and types my speeches for me , " Dad said . " He probably knows it better than I do anyway - and you know he is a better speaker than me even at his age . " I was actually too young to be doing this , and at barely five feet tall , I was awfully small to be standing up on stage and preaching to the Sunday meeting group . But the Congregation Servant , Ted Rogers , decided to give me a chance and assigned the public talk to me . When Lonnie found out that I was going to be giving the public talk , he was so happy for me . He told me that he would sit right in the middle of the hall and silently cheer me on . Even though my father wouldn 't make it , the rest of my family would be there along with all of my Witness friends . This would be a great opportunity for me to really impress the crowd , and maybe even a few JW girls at the same time . All went well as I began my speech . As all other public talks ever given before or since in Kingdom Halls , the opening discussed how Adam and Eve had disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden , resulting in all humankind being born into sin and eventual death . As I finished the introduction , I received some polite applause for my performance up to that point . As I looked out over the crowded Kingdom Hall , I could see my mother and siblings listening intently as I spoke . I could pick out a few of my other friends like Randel , Barry , and Walter . And as promised , there was Lonnie sitting in the middle of the first row of the second section . About halfway through my talk , I happened to look out over the audience . To my horror saw Lonnie looking back at me from his centrally located seat . He had turned his eyelids inside out , had drool running down the side of his mouth , and had one finger stuck halfway up his nose . My efforts to not laugh or break into a giggle were totally ineffective . I had to briefly turn my back on the audience as I regained my composure and tried to act like I was having a cough attack . In spite of some brief applause , I was absolutely ruined for the rest of the speech and had to stare at the clock at the back of the Hall to keep from seeing Lonnie and breaking my train of thought again . Working extra hard through the rest of my speech to not break into uncontrolled giggles , I was terrified that I wouldn 't make it all the way through my speech . I went off script a little bit as I described in great detail the horrible things that would happen to the wicked at Armageddon . As the hour neared its end , I realized that I was running long and had to condense the 1000 - year reign of Jesus into about 30 seconds . " Everlasting life " for the faithful in the " New World " was jammed into less than a minute . After a rather lengthy applause , everyone came up to me to congratulate me on my great speech . A few mentioned that they noticed that I seemed to have had a coughing or sneezing attack during the middle of the speech , but only my mother seemed to know that something had been not quite right . She never said anything about it directly , but she did make a comment or two that I " needed to mature a bit more " before giving any more speeches . Lonnie and I were chosen to put on a brief demonstration during a circuit assembly that was being held at the Riverside County Fairgrounds in Indio , California . I was to be a young JW going door - to - door offering a new book released by the Watchtower Society the previous summer . Lonnie was supposed to be a " worldly " teenager whose door I happen to knock on . I was going to be doing most of the talking , which was just fine with Lonnie . He hated giving speeches , even at Theocratic Ministry School . He was a little shy being up on stage . I was totally at ease in front of Kingdom Hall crowds , but even I found giving the demonstration in front of five thousand people a bit more intimidating . We were both dressed nicely . Lonnie was wearing some tan pants and a dark shirt with no tie ( he was the " worldly " kid ) . I was wearing some lightweight gray dress slacks , a white shirt , and a dark tie ( I was the " Witness " kid . ) . We waited behind the stage for our cue to go through the curtains and take our positions on the left side of the stage in front of two microphones on stands . After a brief introduction by the main speaker ( who would " knock - knock " on the podium to indicate that I had arrived at Lonnie 's door ) , I would begin my demonstration of proper door - to - door techniques when witnessing to teenagers . I would stand toward the edge of the stage and Lonnie would stand closer to center stage . As we continued to wait while the other speakers and demonstrations went on , Lonnie started telling me some new jokes . Even though we came off as " good little Witness boys , " we both enjoyed telling some of the sickest , nastiest jokes to each other . So while we were waiting for our cue call , Lonnie tells me this joke about a flatulent old man and his dog - or something along that line . By the time he finished the joke , he had me laughing so hard that I lost control and pissed my pants . The closest restrooms were outside of the building and well beyond any distance that I could travel and return before we would be due on stage . I was standing there with a wet streak running down my left leg - clearly visible on those light gray slacks . My terrified mind raced as I tried to come up with a quick plan to salvage myself from certain embarrassment and a probable painful death at my father 's hands . I frantically rubbed the pants to try and make them dry faster . I found some paper towels and tried to use them to soak up the excess moisture . As my brief life flashed before my eyes , the stage manager whispered that we were to go on right after the next demonstration . All this time , Lonnie is cracking up . He is laughing so hard , that he is crying . And he 's due to go on at the same time as I am , just minutes away . I 'm afraid that we will both end up giggling through our presentation . In a pure moment of inspiration , I come up with a plan . I told Lonnie to walk out first . I would follow behind him and carry my book bag in a way that would hide the embarrassing wet spot . When we got out on stage , I wanted him to go to the right microphone , and I would go to the left one . That would put the wet spot on my pants facing away from the audience . When we finished our presentation , I would just turn my back to the audience and walk off the stage . No one seemed to notice my predicament and my parents apparently never found out . I somehow managed to survive a potentially horrifying experience . Lonnie , however , found the whole incident so amusing that he had to share the experience with several of his Witness friends while we were at the assembly . So for the next two days , all the guys we knew would look at me and giggle . The girls just avoided me . When Lonnie and I were going to high school , his mother became very ill with a serious disease that would leave her completely incapacitated for the rest of her life . Lonnie 's father , Aaron , decided to take off and just disappeared completely for awhile . Lonnie found himself on his own and without any financial or moral support . Lonnie lived in his parents ' house for a few weeks and didn 't tell anyone about his father abandoning him . Even though it was a very difficult time for him , he chose to keep his problems to himself . At one point , however , he had to talk to someone . He came over to my house to see me and asked if we could just go somewhere to talk . Lonnie was an independent sort of fellow and had managed to make do for a couple of weeks living on his own . But there were bills to be paid for utilities and he needed money for food . I was working part time at a local gas station and was only taking home about $ 15 a week , but I gave him the two or three dollars that were in my pocket . I told Lonnie that I would ask my father to help . Lonnie was reluctant to involve my parents at all , but I talked him into going home with me and seeing my parents . Even though our space was limited , both of my parents immediately agreed that Lonnie could stay with us . They didn 't have much extra money to help him financially , but would provide him with room and board and an open invitation to eat with us anytime . Lonnie moved in with my brother Denny and me for a few weeks and then made other arrangements . My parents chose to allow him to come and go as he wished , and gave him very few rules , but Lonnie considered our home as also his from that time onward . He eventually moved back into his parents ' home and somehow managed to survive living pretty much on his own until we graduated from high school . Lonnie 's family life was in so many ways quite different than mine . Although his parents provided him with room and board and provided him with clothes and basic necessities , his family was about as different from mine as any two families could be . He rarely called his father anything but " Aaron " and often referred to his mother about half the time as " Hattie . " Their approach to disciplining Lonnie could sometimes be very severe , and often very scary - for even somewhat minor infractions on his part . My father was always playing ball and wrestling with me and my siblings and supporting our involvement in Little League and school sports . My mother was always good for conversation , help with schoolwork , and a hug . Even though they could be strict disciplinarians at times , we never once doubted their love for us . After his mother was institutionalized and his father disappeared , I assumed that he would consider himself free of their control and that he would be glad that they were both gone . I was very surprised when Lonnie came to me one day and asked for a " big favor . " He wanted me to drive him over to the San Bernardino area so that he could see his " mother . " Hattie Harvey was hospitalized at Patton State Hospital in Highland , a small town just to the east of " Berdoo . " I agreed and we made arrangements for our 35 - mile round trip . As we neared San Bernardino , Lonnie asked me to head in the opposite direction , to the west side of town . I agreed and we soon found ourselves in a very rough part of town , but Lonnie kept assuring me that we would be OK . We eventually found the address he had been given . As we arrived , Lonnie asked me to wait in the car while he went inside to meet with someone he knew . A couple of young men looked at me menacingly as they seemed to be surrounding my car . All I could do was to wait for Lonnie to return and hope for the best . I was afraid that Lonnie might be involved in some kind of criminal activity . I did notice , however , that one of the young men looked a lot like Lonnie . His skin tone , the shape of his face , the big toothy smile ( when he was smiling ) looked so much like Lonnie that it was freaking me out . After twenty minutes or so , Lonnie came out of the house . A middle - aged woman followed him to front door and watched us leave . Lonnie briefly stopped and spoke to the young man that looked so much like him . They shook hands and gave each other the briefest of hugs . Lonnie got back in my car and we drove away . We said nothing to each other for a few minutes until we got to Highland Avenue , the main east / west boulevard that ended up near Patton Hospital . " Turn right , " Lonnie said . We then drove straight east to the hospital . The beauty of the hospital grounds gave no clue to the horrors inside the walls . At first Lonnie did not want me to go inside , but at the very last minute he changed his mind and asked me to go with him . A young attendant accompanied us as we went to Mrs . Harvey 's room . Along the way some of the patients were begging us to help them get out , pleading that they were being held against their will and were " not crazy . " Others sat nearly comatose in their wheelchairs or babbled in " baby talk . " Some patients screamed or cried out in shrieking voices . I can not describe all of the sights and sounds of that main room that Lonnie and I walked through , but I can say that no Hollywood movie has every recreated a scene as unnerving as what I saw that first trip to Patton Hospital . Mrs . Harvey was unrecognizable to me . A rather heavy set and robust woman before her illness , she was now this little tiny thing , appearing to be about the size of a pre - teen girl weighing less than 80 pounds . She was in a near vegetative state and unable to communicate in any manner . Seeing her like that was a complete shock to my system . Lonnie reached over the guard rails and gently petted her as he spoke in a soft and very loving voice . I stood in respectful silence as he told her that he loved her and was so sorry that she was sick . He begged her to not give up , but to try and get well and come home because he missed her . We sat down and just looked at her for about twenty minutes . Lonnie put his head in his hands and cried . I put my arm around him and joined him as we both began to bawl like a couple of infants . After regaining our composure , we made our way out of the hospital , once again passing through that chamber of horrors they called a recreation room . As we drove away , we said nothing to each other for the longest time . But as we approached Riverside , Lonnie asked me to pull off the freeway and off to the side of the road . " I have to tell you a secret , " Lonnie said as I just sat in silence . " Hattie and Aaron are not my real parents . I think they adopted me when I was very young , but I 'm not really sure . That lady you saw me with today is my real mother and that guy is my brother . " All I could say was , " OK . " " Right now I hate Aaron for what he did to my mother . I just don 't know how much I hate him . But he and Hattie are the only parents that I 've ever known and they 've taken care of me all these years . My real mother didn 't want me , but Hattie and Aaron did , " he continued . " They tried to bring me up right . Maybe they are not as good as your parents , but they 've tried their best to be a good as they could be . I hope you understand and that you will just keep this between us . " I found out later that everyone pretty much knew that the Harveys were not Lonnie 's biological parents . Lonnie had not the slightest physical resemblance to either of them . Apparently the Harveys admitted to their relationship , because they would often tell some of their JW friends that they were doing the best they could with Lonnie , in spite of his " bad blood . " I guess that was their reference to his biological mother and whoever Lonnie 's biological father might have been . I 've never forgotten what I experienced that day with Lonnie . He had shown a depth of love that I had no idea that he had . In spite of the way he had been treated at times , he always considered Hattie as his " real mother " and loved her in spite of her less than perfect skills as a parent . Lonnie and I continued to make regular trips to Highland to see his mother . Each time we went it was a little easier because we knew what to expect . Lonnie never failed to tell his mother that he wanted her to get well and come home - because he loved her . You discover who your real friends are whenever you are in trouble . There were many times when Lonnie and I had each other 's back , but two of them stand out in my memory as rather remarkable . One day we were walking home from high school and took our normal route through Lincoln Park . Even in the 1950s , Lincoln Park had a deserved reputation for being a rough place , but since we walked through there well before dark and did not linger , and I was with Lonnie , we never seemed to experience any real problems . One day , however , we had already made it through the park and were well down 12th Street heading home . Behind us we heard a voice holler out to us , " Hey , who 's that white boy with you ? " Lonnie turned around and said something to them and then told me to come with him and go back to talk with " some of his friends . " As we approached , Lonnie and I both recognized one of the fellows sitting on the grass as a known criminal and the others as local tough guys . Lonnie chatted with them briefly as I stood on the sidewalk off to his left . A police car passed slowly behind me and proceeded down Park Avenue . Completely by surprise , one of the guys that had been sitting on the lawn jumped up and slugged me with his right fist . I fell backward into the street . Suddenly time stood still and everyone in the area stopped to watch me get my ass whipped . Lonnie jumped between me and the fellow that had slugged me . " He 's my friend . He 's a good guy . You shouldn 't have hit him like that . Why would you do that to my friend ? " Lonnie asked . The young man answered back that I was " white " and that he hated white people . In his mind , I deserved to get beat up . " You got the wrong guy . Go find somebody else to beat up on if you have to . But not him . " Lonnie was so sincere and convincing , that the guy that hit me actually helped me up and apologized . As we left the park and continued on our way home , I nursed my now bleeding and swollen lip and bruised cheek . " Damn , John . I 'm so sorry . I thought those guys were some friends of mine , " Lonnie apologized . " But I 'm glad I talked them out of hurting you some more . If I 'd had to fight them all , I 'm sure that we both would have gotten our asses kicked real bad ! " One day after hanging out at the B & B Drive - in on Magnolia Blvd . ( near the old Poly High campus ) , we were talking about doing something together that would really be fun . While we were sitting in my car sipping on our Cokes , we heard an advertisement on the radio about a dance being sponsored by station KFXM . It was Friday night at the Orange Show auditorium in San Bernardino . Sam Cooke was to be the headliner , plus a couple of new acts . We figured out some excuses to give to our girlfriends and decided to go and have a ball . Saturday night , when we arrived at Swing Auditorium on the National Orange Show grounds , we were disappointed to find that only about 100 people showed up for the concert . In spite of his wide popularity at the time , Sam Cooke 's primary audience was still African - Americans , so when we walked in I found myself very much in the minority . I was OK with that , but in those days there was not a lot of interracial mixing , and even though I didn 't have a problem with it , a white kid asking a " colored " girl to dance ( and vice versa ) could lead to serious problems . Swing Auditiorium was known to have had a rumble or two in the past . Lonnie , of course , was oblivious to the whole situation and was anxious to get it on and start partying . Girls were attracted to Lonnie like hornets to a barbeque , so he had plenty of dance partners . I had to be satisfied dancing off to the side of the hall like a tone - deaf robot with rusty hinges . There were no seats except for a couple of rows of folding chairs along the perimeter walls . Most of those had already been taken and used for stashing purses and coats . It was clear that we were going to be on our feet most of the night . Might as well dance , right ? The first act was some small local doo - wop group , sent out to warm up the audience and get everybody dancing . The next special attraction was Clyde McPhatter , at one time the lead singer for the Drifters , but on the downside of his career . He still had talent and we all remembered his old songs . Next up was a newcomer with a twist - literally . Chubby Checker had just released his hit song , " The Twist , " and really got everyone dancing . Even I could do the twist . By then , KFXM had announced over the air that Clyde McFatter and Chubby Checker were " special guests , " so as the audience began to grow more of the newcomers were whites and Hispanics , so the diversity expanded to include everyone . After all , everyone loved the music of Chubby Checker and Sam Cooke . The audience hated to see Chubby leave the stage , and he was called back for one encore after another . He must have sung The Twist at least ten times before he finally left the stage for good . Then it was Sam Cooke 's turn … Cooke had reached almost mythical status by that time with hits like Chain Gang , It 's a Wonderful World , Bring it on Home to Me , and of course , his signature song and biggest hit , You Send Me . He had just released his own album of " twist " songs , but we really wanted to hear his older hits . His backup group was most talented and served him well , with baritone and bass vocals handled by Lou Rawls - who eventually became a very big star in his own right . Read about it in an article posted on this recent blog page . Finally all three of the name acts came out one more time , together , to do a final encore . Once again , to the delighted roar of the crowd , the band played " The Twist , " with Checker , Cooke , and McPhatter each taking a turn singing the lead vocals . The song must have gone on for ten minutes , before everyone , especially the band , finally gave up as the lights were turned up . Many famous performers put on concerts at Swing Auditorium before it was finally totalled by a plane crashing into it . ZZ - Top , the Rolling Stones , and many others played there early in their careers . My opinion , though , was that none could have been as good or as much fun as that single concert in 1962 . It was a great moment that Lonnie and I shared together . A little over two years later , in December 1964 , Lonnie was the first to call me to share the horrible news that Sam Cooke was dead , shot in sleazy south - central LA motel by a desk clerk afraid for her life . Such a waste of a great talent . But at least we had seen him in his prime . That memory would live forever . My name is Jasyne Harvey and I am Lonnie 's granddaughter . My grandmother , Karen , and I came across your website and found your memory of Lonnie . We cannot thank you enough for sharing your wonderful memories of him and we hope you are feeling well . Take care I 'm so glad that you found the website and my story about your grandfather . I 'm sure that I 've sent your grandmother the link on several occasions , but if not , then I am sorry . I 'm glad that you were able to share it with her . She is very dear to me and will always be a very special person in my life . As I hope you can see , your grandfather , Lonnie Harvey , was like a brother to me . We seemed to always be together from the very first day we met . I always looked for him first whenever we would get together for a class reunion . We would sometimes hug for five minutes when we would see each other . He was loved by many people , including Mary Sands Miller and the other ladies that always gathered at our tables during those affairs . I can not tell you how my tears flowed the night I learned of his passing in 2007 . There were so many things I was hoping to share with him . All of my close friends of that period , Mel Sommer , Jeff Hough , and Lonnie have all passed . It is Lonnie that I miss the most . I feel bad that we lived so far apart through all those years . I will contact you directly and tell you more , but I am so privileged to hear from you . Please give my love to your grandmother . Your father was just a little boy when I last saw him , but I know that he went on to do great things that made his father very proud . In 2001 , I slept over at your grandparents home and slept in the room that your father would use on occasion . I have another story about your grandfather and me that I will put up on this site in a few days . I hope that you will find it funny and interesting . He and I were like " Mutt and Jeff . " He seemed like he was 6 feet tall in the 6th grade and I was still 4 ' 9 ″ in the 9th grade . I was the brain and he was the athlete . He was very , very handsome as a young boy , and still was the last time I saw him . Above all , he was my friend - and my brother … Jasyne Harvey says : April 21 , 2013 at 6 : 12 pm We appreciate the new pics ! ! Please send me more of whatever if you can . Grandmother says you look handsome , you do ! My friend in England told another friend in California about your website , * small world . * Love Karen and Jasyne Mary Sands Miller says : January 21 , 2014 at 9 : 51 pm John , what a wonderful memorial story . I can 't believe I just now read it . Lonnie was a really great guy . When we were in grade school another boy was saying " ugly " things to me and Lonnie jumped in and put a stop to it . Obviously I 've never forgotten that . I really felt bad that you had not known of his death and I announced it to you in such a matter of fact way . All I could think was " Where is John ? " I think everyone who knew him loved him . Thanks for writing this piece . Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Currently you have JavaScript disabled . In order to post comments , please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled , and reload the page . 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Hello I havn 't posted for a while because one of my family members is in the hospital , he had a block bowel but he is ok now . Last week I went along with my sister ( who I havn 't mention before ) to a soccer game it was about an hour and 45 minutes away . On the way there nothing to eventful happened . My sister had to 3 girls that are on her team ride out with us . I have known them for a while so there are open about going to the bathroom and farting . On the way back we stopped at pizza hut . Pizza hut always makes me fart and evidently the girls too . We were in the car and about 5 minutes after we left , megan one of the girls farted . I couldn 't believe how loud and stinky it was . she said oops it slip . Just after that I added to the smell . We had the windows shut and th a / c on so the air didn 't really clear to quick . About 30 minutes into the trip I started to feel a cramp in my stomach but I knew that I could hold it until I get home . All of us were rippin farts li ke crazy one of them I really like and she was the one that was ripping the loud but not so stinky of the bunch . One of them called melissa ripped a loud and really really stinky one I never smelt something so bad , it turned me on because I like hearing a hot 80 or 90 lb . girl that is so small rip one that sounds so loud coming out of a small ass . My dad wouldn 't role down the windows because it was to hot out that day . I farted so much that the seat had the smell embedded in it , every time you would sit on it the air would come out of it and stink the van up again . One of the girls got mad at me and stuck her cute butt in my face and let one rip . Little did she know that I enjoyed it , but pretended not to . After about an hour of riding in the van my cramps were going away , but melissa said with a little sense of emergency in her voice said she has cramps and they are getting worse . meagan yelled out that we have a crap emergency dial 911 . We were in the middle of c ow country , where we live the cows out number people . There was no bathrooms until we get into town which was still 45 minutes away . She was letting silent but deadly farts , she didn 't say anything but every once in a while she would let farts that sounded like wet ones . After about 5 minutes she was starting to whine , she is only 10 years old and has a hard time holding her crap in . My dad couldn 't stop anywhere so he said hold on until we get home . She stayed quiet curled up in a ball in one of the seats . When we got home she waited until everyone else got out , then she got out , I pretended to pick up a chair that we brought to the game , and she waited for me to get done but I pretended that the chair was stuck on something . So she went ahead of me , I looked at her butt when she walked away , she had short shorts that were white , on , and I could see clearly that she had let some liquid crap into her pants because there was a brown spot about the size of 2 u . s half do llars , and a quarter sized wet spot . She must have peed a little too . She went into her house that we stopped at her house to drop her and meagan her sister off and she just went straight to her bedroom about 30 minutes later she came out with new pants on . Later we went into her room to play strip poker and she lit a smelly stick that smells like potpourri before we went in . while they were setting up the bed to play cards on , I laid on the floor to relax , I looked under the bed and pulled out a couple of panties to look at and way back near the wall in the center under the bed I saw a container I looked closer and it was a comtainer filled with old and new poop and pee , that was gross but it also turned me on to think that a small girl like that could fill up a large rubbermaid container with crap . Everytime I went over I looked under the bed and that container was always filled it made me wonder if she ever uses the toilet . I havn 't mentioned it to her yet , please ! If any of you guys and girls know of anyway to make yourself go crap less . Please respond I really need to know , I have 3 - 5 dumps a day that is broken up chunks but not soft . If you guys have any farting or peeing in the ocean stories please post them I called in for a shit on my way to work this morning at a public toilet that I like to visit because it is always very clean and well looked after , because you have to pay to use it . The men 's room has two shitting stalls and three urinals . I went in and took the stall nearest to the window , because it had the most TP . I pulled my pants down and got to work . The first installment of turds was very soft and just fell out of my poop - chute . There was a streak of shit down the back of the bowl , so I flushed it all away . I sat back down and waited for the second lot to arrive . While I was waiting someone came and occupied the other stall . I heard him pay his money at the entrance , and when he had closed the door , I could see that he was wearing white gym - shoes . Meanwhile I was pushing out my second load of turds . I began to wipe my shitty hole and it took quite a lot of TP to get it clean . By now the smell from the other guy 's stall had begeun to reach me . It was vile . I hastily ! pulled up my pants and went out to wash . The washing facilties there are also good , proper paper towels , not hot - air driers . The stink got worse , and I left hastily . The strange thing was that although his shit stank so much , I heard nothing from the other stall , no plops or farting noises or anything except the rustle of TP . . . Heat oven to 350 degrees F . Cook noodles according to package directions ; drain . Lay flat on foil to cool . Meanwhile , in a large bowl , stir together the ricotta cheese , 1 and a half cups mozzarella cheese , 1 fourth cup parmesan cheese , eggs , parsley , and seasonings . Spoon about a third of a cup of the cheese mixture into each noodle . Place in 13 * 9 - inch baking pan . Pour spaghetti sauce over filled pasta ; sprinkle with remaining mozzarella and parmesan cheese . Cover with foil ; bake 35 minutes or until hot and bubbly . Makes 7 servings There was this movie on Sunday night on this cable channel called Oxygen . I forget what it was called but there was a bathroom sceene . I think this was an engish movie , they had accents . It was about this boys school and a girls school . This boy falls in love with this black girl ( the boy is white ) and He 's in a class and sees the girl , he asked the instructor for the toilet and he was gonna be sick . He really wants to go out w / this girl so he said that to get out of class . They go out and they decided to go to the boys dorm . The go in and are talking . The girl said she needs a toilet , so the boy escorts her to the boys bathroom . She goes in and he waits out side for her . Then he peeks in the bathroom and you could see her in a stall and you could hear her pee . Does any one know what movie im talking about ? I might look in the tv section to see if i can find it , and repost it . Im starting to wonder why this hasn 't been update in awhile ? whats the problem ? server down ? hello . My friend Sean told me a story when he was younger . He was crazy about the cartoon character tweety bird . He would try to act like the bird . One day he felt a rumble in his stomach this is when he was five years old , when he felt the rumble he tried to hold it until it got real bad then he decided to crap like a bird , He open a window and perched on it and stuck his butt out enough so he will crap on the ground . He wiggled his butt and let it come out it was a long turd and it crackled as it came out . He pointed his dick and peed in a bottle because it was to hard to pee outside because the window was in the way . He even flapped his arms . Lately I have been keeping a bottle by my bed and when I need to go I open the little flap on my underwear and stick my dick in and let it go . I can only use the wide mouth ones because my dick doesn 't fit in the other regular mouth ones . I usaully pee about a liter to a liter and a half . Is that about normal or a little above . I have a story from a fair that I went to , I live in a town called Malone in Franklin County in upstate New York . I was on a ride called 1001 nachts , It is a ride that goes up in the air and falls down really quick I was sitting next to a 12 year old girl and her friend next to her . She had never been on the ride before so she was scared . When the ride started the first time it fell she yelled I GOTTA PEEE I can 't hold it anymore . The next thing I know I get sprayed in the face by pee and shes yelling I 'm losing it . When the ride stoped she got up and she was laghing and her pants were soaked all over . The seat had about an inch of pee in the botoom because it slants back . It was slowly draining out because there was a small hole for it to leak through . I guess they put the hole there incase someone peed the pants . Hope you like the stories please respond . Monday , August 12 , 2002 Some of you all may remember of you may remember last winter when some of my friends and I got caught in my car , during a winter storm on the highway . We used a pastic bag to do our poops and pee in and then threw it out along wside the road . Well , this weekend we ( 5 girl friends0 ) went to the lake and our condo bathroom toilet was broken , so I again suggested we just use plastic bags . So each time we had to do our " thing " one of us would hold the bag for the other , and allow them to do their poop and pee . It 's agood thing wwe 're such good friends ! ! ! Last night I had a very bad accident in my sleep . I was dreaming that I went to the bathroom to do number 1 and number 2 . When I woke up this morning I realized that I did not only wet my bed , what happens often , but I did also poo in my sleep ! It was really messy ! I am a 27 year old female . I work in a office as a secratary . About 6 months ago I had a accident in my panties . Before that I would of given my life to advoid a accident but now much more leanent about accidents . I probaly have a accident every 3 - 4 weeks . I have also noticed that I have been losing time I have to get to a toilet . That started about a year ago . I used to have about 45 minutes Im now down to about 10 . It seems to of platoed ( spelling ? ? ) for the last 2 - 3 months . This is one of the reasons I have had so many accidents . Also in the begining of June It was very hot out and I was getting dressed one day and noticed I didn 't have any clean panties . I decided to go pantyless instead of wearing dirty panties . I wore a skirt that day and for somereason I felt much cooler ( temperture wise and popularity wise ) so mostly when its hot I go patyless . There hasn 't been any major problems with this except for one day . On this perticular day I was wearing a long skirt with no p anties . I don 't remember what I had on my top . Anyways normally I poop When I get up and after lunch ( at about 5am and 1PM ) . I normally wipe very well too . Well this perticular day I had so much work that I had to work through lunch . This meant that I didn 't go at my normal time . I userally take about 15 - 20 minutes to poop without rushing but I just didn 't have time . I also have a complete office ( instead of a cubicle ) so I get alot of privacy . About 1 : 20 Pm I got a need to fart . I knew this was cause I didn 't poop . I also had a feeling it was more then a fart . But as I said I have frequant accidents and I don 't get too freaked out about them . The only difference is that normally Im standing or have and panties on and my skirt stays relativly clean . So I lean and push out the fart . I was right that it was more then a fart , but not much . I would estimate about a ping pong ball and hard like all my poops . Unfortunitly my cheeks still got messy . I HATE having messy cheeks . I th rough the ball in a trash can and looked for something to wipe with . I had nothing . I decided that I could wipe with my skirt and thats what I did . I smelled abit the rest of the day but I was alone so I didn 't care . About 45 minutes after that I felt another pressure . I knew this was the rest of the movement . My skirt was dirty anyway so I just pushed it into my skirt . I sat on it for about 3 hours . It was 3 logs , the first was 2 inches wide and 5 inches long the other 2 were 2 inches think and about 4 inches long . They formed like a bond to my skin like I knew they were so left without much problem . I normally ride a subway home but there were all types of delays so I decided to ride a bus which was spose to be on time . Problem being that alot of other people got the same idea . When I got on it was standing room only . I was riding along when it dawned on me , this wasn 't my complete load . I should of never of thought of it as as soon as I did I felt the pressure . I knew if ! I more it would break the weak bond and it would all fall to the floor , but I had no choice . I went to the back where less people were and just let it happen . I didn 't get much attention ( thank god ) but I definitly needed a shower . I was happy when my stop came and told the driver " sorry I had to go " when I left and he gave me a strange look . I got home fine and immediatly took a much desired shower . Infantry SPC Chris - I dunno how anybody can find diarrhea pleasureful . When I get it makes me want to be shot to put me out of my misery . Lori Girl - Great story and thank you . I have got a girl now , but she isn 't very open about her bodily functions . Student - good story . One time a few years back , my girlfriend at the time hung out all night watching movies . She told me later , but earlier in the night , She had her mother distract me ( she had me set the table for dinner ) while she went to poop . they only had one bathroom in their house and it was near the kitchen . Later , when I went to wash my hands , I saw a few skidmarks in the toilet and there was a faint smell of a rotten egg poop . After dinner my girlfriend told me about her poop , just to make conversaction . Her and I were similar in openess in our relationship as you were in that one . As for my latest adventure , last week , I had to participate in a Law / Rescue / Military appreciation night at a local mall . My sergeant had selected me to drive a humm - vee in the parade at the begining of the event . Well we took our spot in line in parade column , and waited , and waited . . . by the time the parade started , I had to pee very badly ! since the parade moved very slowly , my need to pee was getting very intense . Finaly it was over ! I ran into the mall to the food court nad made it to the mens room just in time . With that out of the way the night went smoothly untill later when I went on my dinner break . I saw this black woman ( very attractive ) wearing a white tank top and tight black pants walking into the food court . She smiled at me on her way to the ladies room , as I was just sitting down to eat . About ten minutes later she came back walking my way and was tucking her tanktop back into her pants her and another woman satdown at a table not to far away from me . I heard her say as she sat down " sorry that I really had to shit . " She turned again and looked at me and smiled and said to me that she thought I looked cute in uniform and , that i looked alot like Nelly . I said thank you and h2 pooping panties girl : Hi all . Wanted to share this story from July 2001 . I was working at a summer camp . One activity involved traveling to a wooded park for orienteering . I was in charge of this activity along with my coworker , Mary , who was 46 years old , fairly thin , with long dark brown curly hair . The activity was in the afternoon so I left camp for lunch , then drove to the park . I got there about 45 minutes before the students were due to arrive . I was waiting there for about 10 minutes , when I saw Mary drive up and park . She got out and went into the portajohn , but was only in there for about one minute and then came out , and walked over to some picnic tables and sat down . I walked over and sat down with her . Mary is usually an animated , happy girl but this time she was just sitting there like she did not feel well . I asked her if she was ok , and she replied that she really had to go to the bathroom , but the portajohn was so dirty that she did not want to sit down on it . She sai ! d she tried squatting but nothing would come out . So , I said , the kids won 't be here for another 35 minutes or so , why don 't you go out in the woods . Nobody 'll see you . She said she was afraid that somebody would rape her or something . But she said she thought she 'd poop her pants before the activity was over so she asked if I 'd come with her to make sure she was safe . I said ok , and we walked off into the woods . Finally we were quite a ways away from where anybody could see us . There was a large rock sitting on the ground , and Mary said this looks like a good spot , as she rubbed her obviously hurting belly . I knew Mary for a long time but I didn 't know about her letting me see her naked or anything , so I said I 'd wait around the other side of the rock , but she said no , to stay right with her because she wanted me to hold her clothes for her while she went . She laid her purse down , then sidled up next to the rock and took her sandals off . Then she dropped her black ! shorts down around her ankles , and stepped out of them . She was wearing the kind of panties that are peach or tan colored and almost see through . I was looking at her from the side and as she bent over to pick up her shorts I could see her butt crack through the panties . She folded her shorts up neatly and handed them to me . Then she quickly pulled her panties down , stepped out of them , and handed them to me too . I got a quick glimpse of her bush as she turned to face me . She was tanned but her butt was white with a very pronounced tan line , which I have to admit I found extremely sexy . She then squatted down . I was kind of along side her , but more behind her than in front . I could see her butt cheeks spread apart as she squatted down . She sighed and let out a couple of quick farts . She kind of looked over at me a little embarrassed , and said isn 't this freaky , but I said don 't worry about it and said I 'd go around the other side of the rock if I was making her u ! ncomfortable being there . But she said no stay here because she felt safer . She kept squatting and grunted a couple of times , but she only peed and still didn 't poop . It must have been about ten minutes , but still nothing . She was worried that the kids would show up soon , and decided she was going to give up on it , and asked me get her purse and to hand her her pants back . She took a fast food napkin out of her purse and wiped her pussy , then I gave her her panties , which she stood up and put on , then her shorts . She pulled up her shorts , which did not have a belt but just an elastic band around the top . But just as she pulled them up , she stopped and stood still , and said wait a minute . Then she quickly ripped her shorts and panties both off at the same time and tossed them to me . She squatted back down and grunted , and said Ooh , maybe . Then she sighed again and said , Oh , YEAH . I could hear a crackling sound coming from her butt , and couldn 't help but staring as ! a large , knobby dark brown turd slowly came out . It was about 10 inches long and it touched the ground while it was still coming out . Then it dropped off . She took a deep breath , then sighed and strained again . This time , a lighter brown smooth looking turn slid quickly out of her butt , and with a popping sound a very soft looking mass of poop came out . She strained a couple more times , and one more very small plop of soft yellowish brown poop came out . There was a strong poop smell , but rather than being a bad smell I didn 't mind it and really was quite aroused as I had a woody in my pants but I didn 't want to let her know that since I did kind of feel bad about getting a woody watching her in that situation . She looked over and blushed again , and so did I . Then she opened up her purse again and pulled out some more napkins and wiped her butt . She left them on the ground there . So much for a carry in , carry out park . As she put her pants back on she said she hope ! d none of the kids would step in her poop , and we walked back out to the parking lot with her obviously feeling much better . That fall , some of us who worked at the camp went to Florida for four days , to attend a training seminar . Someone sure knew what they were doing to schedule that seminar at Cocoa Beach instead of somewhere like , say , Detroit . I sat with Mary on the plane . The attraction between us had grown a lot since I started at the camp . We would always talk about everything , but funniest of all we always had our inside joke about that pooping incident in the woods . We were booked into a high rise hotel , on like the tenth floor , and I was scheduled to room with a guy named Scott . Scott was dating this girl from camp named Eileen , who was booked into the same room with Mary . Scott came to me and told me of his devilishly brilliant plan , to switch rooms so that he could stay in Eileen 's room and Mary could stay with me , since he knew that Mary and I were practically a couple . I told him to run it by her , I didn 't mind if Mary didn 't . So he asked her , and she said it was a ! great idea . So , we sneaked off with our brilliant deception , and of course always checked to make sure the boss wasn 't around when we went into our rooms . The boss spent most of his free time in the hotel bar though , so we were pretty safe . We had seminars for most of the days , but had some free time the third afternoon . There is a Ron Jon 's surf shop in Cocoa Beach , and Mary and I went there . She was looking at all these different bathing suits , and finally found a pretty pink one piece with black polka dots that she liked , so I bought it for her . It had a zipper down the back , which ended above her butt . I was wishing she 'd gotten a bikini instead . We went back to the hotel , and she went into the bathroom and emerged with her new bathing suit on , then we walking on the beach about a half mile from the hotel and went for a swim . Mary and I had done some making out on the trip , but we hadn 't been any naughtier than that . We got out of the water an dried off , and s ! he whispered to me , What do you say we recreate our little moment in the woods ? I asked her what she meant , and she said she hadn 't pooped since we 'd been on the trip , but she was getting the urge now . I had noticed that she hadn 't pooped at least while we were in the room together , and I also noticed that she had eaten some bran flakes at breakfast that morning . As a matter of fact , I hadn 't pooped either . I said ok , but there aren 't any woods here . So she said lets go back to the room . We started walking , and it was a long way through the sand . Mary said she wished we hadn 't gone so far away from the hotel because the poop urge was getting stronger and she didn 't know how much longer she could hold it . She stopped and held her belly for a few seconds . I told her take it easy , you 'll make it . We kept walking but she had to stop a couple more times to let her belly settle down . Finally we made it back to the wooden bridge that went over the sand dune . She picked ! up her pace and quickly walked into the hotel , nearly breaking into a run as she got inside and headed toward the elevator . I rushed to keep up with her . She pushed the button . It seemed like forever before the elevator arrived , and Mary was dancing back and forth . Finally a couple came out of the elevator and she ran in and hit the 10th floor button , still dancing around . She said hurry up elevator , and it finally took us up . We got out and ran down the hallway . I fumbled with my room door card , and after three tries with her telling me to hurry , it finally blinked green and opened . She said , Quick , unzip my suit . I did , and she pulled her arms out from under the straps , revealing her breasts which I hadn 't seen before . Then she hurriedly pulled the suit down around her legs and sat quickly on the toilet . She was only sitting there for a couple of seconds before I heard three splashes come from the toilet and her sighing . I sat down next to her on the tub . I a ! lready had a huge woody seeing her sitting there on the toilet with her breasts right there in front of me . She grunted again , and there were two more plops from the toilet , then she got up off the toilet and said how did I do ? I looked in the toilet and saw several solid looking turds about 4 - 6 inches long laying on the bottom . She sat back down , grabbed some toilet paper , wiped , and flushed . All of this poop talk had me feeling like I had to go as well , which I told her . So we switched places , her sitting on the edge of the tub stark naked while I untied my trunks and pulled them down . My willie , still hard as a rock , sprang out as I pulled my trunks down . I saw Mary look at it . I then sat down on the toilet . I leaned forward a little and pushed , and could feel a large turd starting to come out . I leaned forward a little more , and I think she could see it coming out of my butt . It was a big one , and I felt totally emptied out when it went into the water . It did ! n 't make a splash , but between the smell of her poop and mine , it was a little tart in that bathroom . I knew I was done pooping , it was just that one big turd . So I wiped my butt . There was only a minor skidmark on the toilet paper , and the second piece was totally clean . I got up and we looked down into the toilet . The turd was about a foot long and about 1 and a quarter inches in diameter . It was so long that the bottom end was down in the hole where you couldn 't see it and the top part was outside of the water . Mary said I did good too , and then as the toilet flushed we started making out standing there . We felt salty from the ocean water so we took a shower together . I washed her all over , and she washed me . We continued making out then dried each other off . Then we walked over to the bed and sat there caressing each other all over before making wild passionate love . Althea Dan B . : I used to date and had experiences like that you described . See my earlier posts . My uncle had a cook out at his home . I dated David , a distant cousin . We ate good . We had meat , chicken , salads and good drink . After , David and I went to the movies . Before the feature , I excused myself to the women 's room . I told him as we waited on line , I had to move my bowels . It was nice and clean with 4 stalls and elongated toilet seats . I lifted my yellow cotton dress , pulled down my white panties and sat . This was one of the few times , I wore no slip . Quietly , five long pieces of doo - doo evacuated from my stomach . They were easy . I then urinated unexpectedly . I sat for a while until my internal sensation subsided . Then I reached for toilet paper and wiped my undersides from the front . After that , I simply stood up , pulled up my panties , let down my dress and flushed . When I came out , David asked me if I was alright . He knew I ate much . The girl on the cover has her pants up to her thighs . She is shy of showing her genitals . I usually have my pants to my ankles , if not off . I bought underwear last week at K - Mart , FOL and Hanes Her Way . The FOL 's are white cotton . The Hanes are in many colors , white , black , pink , biege , magenta and prints on white cotton . LEASH , The word " pan " means the main part of the toilet . Therefore , to make it clear we 're referring to the actual toilet and not the room it 's in , the word pan is often used . Some people call it a " bowl " but I 've usually heard it called a pan . Are your turds always the same degree of firmness ? I ask because it only happens occasionally with me that I hear a lot of crackling , although I can 't remember if it 's the firm or soft ones that make that sound ! Mine are usually firm but not often wide , so perhaps it 's the wider ones that crackle . I like to hear it making its way out , but it 's only very rarely that I 've ever been able to hear another guy 's shit crackling when I 've heard him on a neighbouring toilet . As it turned out , I heard a guy go into the cubicle on my left , pull down his trousers , and after a while , a good plop , after which he sat there a few minutes and then took about 5 minutes wiping his arse . Well , not actually wiping , he must have been dabbing but he certainly took his time over it ! By the time he 'd finished , and was about to flush , ( and I still had no idea what he looked like yet , as the partitions go right down to the floor ) I came out of my cubicle and washed my hands as he joined me at the sinks to wash his . PLUNGING PLOP GUY - I 've just been lurking for a while now . Haven 't had too many " sightings " to report . The partitions on the stalls at the park are about chest - high . I was able to see the guy over the top of the partition only while I was standing in the stall , grabbing paper to cover the seat . I might go to the swap meet tomorrow , and take a dump in those stalls . They are always an experience . One of the restrooms has partitions that are high off the floor and you can see almost all the way up to the seat of the toilet when you walk in the door . Most guys keep their pants pulled almost all the way up to their thighs on that toilet . Modesty , I suppose . I 've seen only a few times when the guy pulls his pants and underwear all the way to the floor while using that toilet . If it is vacant when I enter , I 'll go ahead and take it . I always drop my pants and briefs to the floor while crapping . Another cool thing about the stall is that it has a light right above it , so the user 's shadow is projected onto the floor . Everyone can see if he stands or leans forward to wipe , as well as a quick view of the shadow of his equipment , sometimes . One of the stalls has just a ratty curtain for a door , and sometimes the wind from the outside blows it outward and you can see the g ! Another restroom has a stall that can be seen by the people outside . You can sometimes see the feet of the guy on the can as you walk by . Two of the stalls are right next to each other and by just leaning forward a little bit , you can see the thighs of your neighbor on the seat . High partitions , again . Two of the other stalls share a box between them , and the guys in these adjacent stalls throw their used toilet paper into it . It is kinda weird to see someone else 's crap - paper being tossed into a box half - way into your stall . Maybe I 'll have time to visit both Swap Meets tomorrow . Just a quick update about the situation with Mandy and the CFO pissing in the office ! Since last week it 's become a kind of office joke . Every now and again one fo the sales reps will whip out his dick , point at one of the potted plants , and piss away ! For some reason , everybody tends to yell " HOSE ON ! " as encouragement - we seem to be developing our own group language here . This goes on particularly if people have been drinking at lunchtime ( I don 't do so myself . ) Mandy seems to be the inspiration for all of this , and encourages the guys to do it as much as possible . She hasn 't talked me into doing it yet , but I might give it a go next week . She actually said she would do it too if I did , and that 's something I 've just got to see ! I was running late for work yesterday and didn 't get a chance to take a dump before leaving my apartment . I figured I 'd go when I got to work , but we had an emergency meeting that ended up taking over three hours . By the end of the meeting I had to take a major dump . My boss then asked me to come into his office to talk . It sounded serious , so I didn 't want to say , hang on , I have to use the bathroom . We talked for about a half hour , basically about me possibly getting a promotion ( yay ! ) , and the state of the company . I was fidgeting in my seat and clenching my buns together but he didn 't seem to notice . Finally he said that was it and I went out into the hall . As soon as the door was shut behind me , I walked quickly to the bathroom , entered a stall , pulled down my pants and thong and squeezed out a huge load . It came out fast and splashed loudly into the toilet . What a relief ! I let out this huge grunt and sighed . I wiped my ass , pulled up my pants and flushed , ! What are " pans ? " are they different than toilets . Because when people write , they say they listened to someone poop and when they leave they went to look and there was a big one in the pan . Don 't you flush , or is it a different system . That seems like it would smell . Curious , I 'm from the U . S . Last night I had three slices of pizza . It gave me a lot of gas . So , I went to bathroom to just sit down and let the farts out of my butt . It felt so good and were really loud . My brother knocked on the door and asked if I was going to come out " sometime this century . " I said as soon as all the air explodes from my hole . He had eaten two slices but had to go real bad also . So , we actually shared the pot . It was kind of hard . We sat back to back - - butt to butt ! It was wierd but we 're brothers so it was cool . We laughed whenever we farted . He asked for the paper and when he wiped , it got some doody from my own butt . It was cool . jilly when it suddenly dropped on the grass with a thud I looked down and saw what I had done and I had done a poo at least 15 inches long the longest I have ever done and the thickest at least a couple of inches at it , s thickest part I quickly wiped with a kleenex very little on the paper I felt quite releived after that I pulled up my knickers and smoothed down my skirts which didn , t feel so tight after that Next page : Old Posts page 963 >< Previous page : 965 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
Hey Queendalers ! So if you guessed " Hawks " you guessed right ! I couldn 't resist using our loveable mascot as a code word ! Next week 's code will be a pretty easy one as well , in honor of it being my final post . But we will get to that later . Onto the post ! So since Sarah and Ricky rescued Evanglina from Jake and Henria , Ricky has been spending a lot of time with her . It 's almost as if they are trying to make up for eighteen lost years in just a month ! I spotted them Thursday afternoon hanging out at McDoogles . They had a nice lunch of burgers and fries and then played some of the arcade games . I even caught them playing a game of foosball at one of the tables in the back . Man , it has been so long since I have played that game . I used to love playing it as a kid . Evanglina then let go of the table . " No I don 't , " she said , a bit too loudly , causing people to stare . She then turned and walked out the door with Ricky following behind her . Ricky smiled . " It 's okay . I understand . I shouldn 't have pushed you . I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling . This whole situation is - " " Crazy , " Evanglina finished . She then exhaled sharply . " I just wish she had been honest with all of us a long time ago . Then things wouldn 't be like this . I 'm just so confused and I don 't know how to feel . " " See , that 's what I don 't get , " Evanglina then said , shaking her head . " My mother lied to you . She lied to you ! She didn 't tell you that you were my father and hid it for eighteen years , and she was going to keep hiding it if Aunt Sarah didn 't find out the truth . Why aren 't you angry with her ? How can you just forgive her and want me to talk to her ? " Ricky looked at Evanglina quietly for a minute and then sighed . " I am angry , Evanglina , very , but it won 't change anything . What happened , happened and as much as I hate it , I may have been part to blame for why she lied in the first place . " " Yes , that . I didn 't deal with the situation very well ; neither of us did , and we really hurt your mother in the process . I 'm not saying all this was okay , but I do see where she might have been coming from . I think she has been carrying what happened between us for all these years . " Evanglina lifted her shoulders . " Fine . Maybe you 're right . But what about Jake ? Ever since she started dating him , she has been all about him and never about me . " " She has taken his word over mine so many times that I have lost count ! Every time I tried to tell her about something that he did to me , she would never believe me ! Every time he slapped me , cursed at me or even threatened me , she never listened . He even beat me up in front of her twice and she just watched ! " Evanglina shook her head . " All that I have gone through because of her , I can 't forgive . " " It always amazes me when you talk about it . It makes me so angry that you had to go through all that . I wish I could have been there for you . " " I 'm not trying to defend her . I 'm not even asking you to forgive her . I just think you should talk to her . Maybe she wouldn 't be hounding you so much if you told her what you just told me . " Evanglina stared at him for a moment in silence and then nodded . " Maybe you 're right , " she said . " I just don 't know if I am ready to . " After leaving McDoogles , they both head to the beach and skip some stones into the ocean . Ricky has a long arm and is able to get his stone to skip several times before it drops underwater . I have tried to do that so many times , but I can only get mine to skip twice . They then take a dip in the ocean , splashing around in the water . The sky starts to darken , but they both didn 't seem to care . I can 't help but feel happy for her . Evanglina finally has the family she has always wanted . In other news , Claude and Emilie have been spending a lot of time together . I have been seeing an awful lot of them around town . I guess with him leaving , Emilie wanted to get as much time with him as possible . The day before he left , I saw them hanging together at Marcelle Park . They stay like that for almost thirty minutes and even shared a few passionate kisses before leaving . I think it helped that the park happened to be empty that day . Not that I think either of them would have cared all that much . Claude grinned . " Especially then . I want to hear all about how things are at Columbia . I 'm so happy you got accepted . I know how much you wanted to go there . " Emilie 's cheeks reddened . " Thanks , and I am happy for you for getting into the University of Cambridge . I want to hear all about that too . " They then pull in for a kiss and spend the next few minutes doing so in the warm summer breeze . They seem almost lost in each other and I am starting to feel like a hidden third wheel . Not that I haven 't felt this way many times before . Then with a final hug and kiss , Claude took off , leaving Emilie standing in front of the gate watching after him . My heart breaks for her . I can 't imagine gaining my first boyfriend and then having him leave me to return home . Another reason why I don 't do long distance . So that makes the end of this week 's posts . I can 't believe it , but next week will be my last post as Lexie . It 's crazy how time flies . That said , keep up with your guesses , because in just a week you may just know who Lexie really is . Hey my Queendalers ! If you guessed the code word " fight , " you guessed right ! I hope you Queendale High students knew that one because if you didn 't , you need to get some school spirit ! Anyways , I am so sorry that I haven 't posted in a month . Things have been so crazy with school ending and graduation that Lexie has not had time to write ; but fear not ! Lexie is back and has some juice to share about graduation and grad night ! So as I said earlier , the night of graduation has finally arrived ! In the early evening of the wondrous day , I spotted Evanglina and Kara leaving the house to go to the City Hall auditorium . It is crazy how much people can change in a month . It feels like everyone has already matured into adults ! I thought this as I reached the city hall and saw Maria Henderson arriving in her cap and gown . She looked absolutely beautiful as she walked up the steps , just like a young woman . Time really goes by , doesn 't it ? After Maria had arrived with Josephina and her parents and went inside , more students started arriving . I happened to notice Angel as she passed by and entered the building . Her hair was tucked neatly into her cap which is the first time I have really seen her face , clearly . Is it rude for me to say she looks older than I thought she did ? I saw Claire and Adam arrive together with Claire in a snow - white dress . I was a bit confused , but then I heard that Claire had accidently misplaced her graduation gown ! Awkward ! She was going to have to walk onstage dressed out of uniform . I guess her mother had tried to make her feel better by letting her borrow one of her formal dresses , but honestly , I think it just makes it more obvious that she forgot her cap and gown . The ceremony itself , went very well . There were choir and orchestra performances and then the valedictorian , Emilie Nelson , said a few words . I was not surprised it was her , for she was the most studious student in the whole school . She even founded the Pre - Med club , something that has not been done before around here . Senior Class president was originally Abigail Best , but since she was still gone , the task was given to Claire . I do have to say it was awkward with her dressed in that white dress . I was surprised , but Claire gave a surprisingly good speech . Not as good as Emilie 's , but not bad . By the time the ceremony was over , all the seniors were pretty pumped . I also spotted Derek and Adam coming out through the doors together with him twirling his diploma in his hand . I swear he grew an inch or two from May till now ! Adam too ! A few minutes later , I saw Derek standing with Evanglina ( surprise , surprise ) . They shared a warm embrace and kiss , as they stood there together . I 'm sure Angel and Claire were not too happy about it . They have been giving her the cold shoulder all night ! I then saw Kara standing not too far off tossing her diploma as well . Ricky was standing nearby smiling along with Sarah . It sure is nice to see them all looking so happy after the whole thing with Jake and Henria . And was it just me , or does Sarah 's stomach look a little bigger than usual ? Could she possibly be eating for two ? Time will tell ! I also saw Emilie coming out of city hall as well . She was grinning from ear to ear and carrying her diploma . She looked extremely proud of herself , which I think was totally well deserved . Those last words of her speech , " No matter where we go or live or what we become , we will always be Queendale Hawks at heart , " really resonated with me , and by the way everyone was cheering , it resonated with them too . It was starting to get a bit crowded in front , until people started dispersing . Then through the crowd , I saw Maria chatting with David Maxwell ! I thought it was a bit awkward , but from what I heard , he was congratulating her and wishing her well . Something tells me that he has been talking to Adam lately . I also saw Angel watching them from the corner of her eye . I 'm telling you , if that girl could rid the world of Maria and Evanglina … A while later I spotted Claire finally emerge from the city hall doors , yes , still in her white ball gown . I am surprised that she didn 't get grief about it . The principle is pretty stringent about those kinds of things . Then again , the Maxwells have donated a lot of money to the school , so maybe the principle decided to look the other way . Thirty minutes later , the crowd started to thin out some more . I was then able to see Paul and Brian Nelson coming out of the building . He had traded his cap for a baseball one and was wearing a little smirk . " Hey seniors ! " he called out then , " Don 't forget ! Bonfire starts at the beach in thirty minutes ! " This was followed by loud cheers , which I saw many parents cover their ears to . Evanglina grinned . " Thank you . It means a lot coming from you , " she said , and then with a little wave , she heads off to Derek 's motorcycle where he was waiting for her . Wow . It is amazing how close the two of them have gotten in such a small amount of time . I caught Derek and Adam even stopping to take in the scenery . And may I say , they both looked fantastic in their bathing suits . All rock hard and chiseled . Even I 'm getting all hot and bothered ! It looked like someone brought over a portable boom box and started blaring some tunes from the speakers . I even saw an ice shaving machine ! Maria took advantage of this as I saw her walking off with a lemon ice shaving . I even happened to snag a cherry and blue raspberry flavored one without anyone noticing . Delicious ! I spotted Josephina arriving a bit later in a pair of boots . She totally had that pirate thing going on ! There was a buffet table up on the beach lookout , and it seemed both she and Adam were heading right up to it . " Kara got accepted too , " she was saying . " She also got accepted into the University of Aderson and Cleveland University , but she chose the same as me . " She laughed . " I 'd be lying if I said I wasn 't happy about it . " Emilie smiled . " That 's great ! I hear Maria and Derek are going there as well . It 's nice that you will all be together . " " Yah , but it won 't be the same without you . " Evanglina sighed . " Still , I 'm so happy you got into Columbia University . " Emilie shrugged . " I 'm not totally sure . He seems split between Alfred State and Bridgeport , but if I could place a bet , I 'd say Alfred State . I think its Kara that is making him confused , what with them now dating and everything . " Out on the deck , Adam and Josephina were still munching on the buffet food . But that wasn 't all . It would seem that Adam had a bit of an ulterior motive for eating with her . As they ate , he seemed to be asking a lot of questions about Maria and how she was doing , including , asking where she was thinking about going to school . " Trust me Adam . Talk to her , " she said , and then she left the deck . Goodness . If Adam is still after Maria after all this time , I really think that boy is head over heels . Seriously . I even feel a bit bad for him . Maria took a deep breath . " I really like NYU , but the music program at Bridgeport University is amazing . Also , I have always wanted to go to school in Bridgeport . " " I think you just need to talk to him about it . Really talk to him . Make him understand how you feel . At least then you both aren 't walking on egg shells . " They are both quiet and then laugh . " No ! " They say in unison and then walk off toward the bonfire . Here 's to wishing them both a stress - free summer . Derek and Evanglina seemed to be getting a little mushy by the fire pit while dancing to the music from the boombox . Seeing them together so happy , I can 't help but wonder if they will still be together this time next year . Then again , if they can get through everything they have been through over the past year and a half , I think they can get through anything . They just might be the couple that will someday make it down the alter . As for Adam and Maria , who knows . Things aren 't looking that great for them . Although I did happen to catch them finally speaking to each other before the party ended . Adam seemed to want to go on , but Maria didn 't seem ready . I heard her say something about meeting up later this week and then she turned and left . Adam looked crushed , but a little hopeful . Don 't worry my Queendalers , I will keep my eye on that development . Emilie and Claude were also still left chatting away with each other . It 's so strange to see Emilie with a boyfriend . She has really come out of her shell over the year . " Paul , I don 't want you to have any regrets about the school you go to . I want you to go to the one that makes you the happiest . Even if that means I won 't be there . " Kara laughed . " I 'm not like other girls . And I want you to be happy . Besides , we won 't be too far from each other . Just an hour away . " And just like the end of a chick flick rom - com movie , they shared a lip lock under the stars . Not trying to be cheesy , but it was definitely a " The Notebook " like kiss . I guess we now know where Paul will be going . Alfred State , here he comes ! Well , that ends grad night for the seniors ! Congratulations to all of you ! Go Hawks ! And to those of you still guessing my identity , you are getting very close ! Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " sleeping bag " , you got it ! So this week was a slow one . With all the seniors worrying about graduation and getting all their credits , there is no trouble for drama . Well , for the most part . So , Track season has come to a close . That said , Paul has still been practicing his skills , including soccer and basketball . I spotted him practicing with Emily at the park Thursday afternoon . Let me tell you , she was not so bad herself ! She put up a good game , kicking the ball with all her might into the net . Even with all Paul 's training , she gave him quite a workout . Still , she was no match for Paul and his superb goalie skills . He blocked every single one of Emilie 's balls despite her powerful force of kicks . Somehow , I think he will do just fine at either Bridgeport University or Alfred State with soccer . Unfortunately , it started to rain forty minutes later , ruining their fun . And it was coming down pretty hard . The two of them both then packed up their things and headed out . I however , would have stuck around if I was them . There is nothing like playing soccer in the rain . I love it ! Sure , you might slip and slide along the mud , but that 's more of the fun ! Emilie and Paul weren 't the only ones having fun this week . I spotted Evanglina and Ricky driving along this weekend together . It would seem that Evanglina has finally managed to get her permit and is working with Ricky to get her license ! Better now than never ! I 'm sure you are wondering how she has been doing since the whole fiasco last weekend . Well , Evanglina is now back at school and seems to be doing better . She still has some scars on her neck and face left from Jake 's abuse , but other than that , she seems to be okay . She does seem a little quieter and more guarded than usual , but who can blame her ? I can 't imagine dealing with what she has had to deal with for the past two years or more ! At least there is now a bit of happiness for her . I also saw her at the park again , strumming on her guitar along with Maria . The two of them are really on about this starting a band thing . They have even given themselves a name , " Evarie , " by putting their names together . And trust me , they are not bad . Their performance at the Prom has sparked a lot of attention and from what I 've heard , someone has posted a video of it online on " Youbook " , the social media Queendale teens are addicted to . The video has almost 250 , 000 views which is pretty good for Queendale and the state . These girls might be going places ! Although , I was a bit surprised to see they were watching the FearNet station . Funny , they didn 't even seem that scared . I would have been terrified out of my mind ! They show the creepiest movies on there , but there were the four of them laughing while watching ! Crazy ! The night then ended with a nice soak in the hot tub out back in the Emerson 's backyard . All four of them were laughing and seeming to be having a good time . Even Evanglina seemed to be enjoying herself . Maria shook her head . " I just can 't talk to him right now . I feel like my emotions are all over the place . On one side , I am still so angry that I can 't even think straight and then on the other side , I just miss him so much . " " Don 't Eva , " Kara said shaking her head . " You had to leave . You couldn 't stay in an environment like that . It was bad for you . I mean , look what Jake did to you ! " " Your mom is hurt now , but she caused this . She shouldn 't have let Jake do all that to you . I think right now you need to focus on you . " After soaking , they started to head inside , but then Evanglina said she had a spooky story to tell . They all then gathered on the ground and she began telling them a ghost story . As she told the story , they all got so into it , that they started jerking and pulling away as if Evanglina was the one doing all the killing in the story ! The four of them then headed inside . It is amazing how so much has changed , but the four of them have still managed to be good friends . Go figure . Hey my Queendalers ! So last week 's code was a little weird , but some of you were still able to guess it , " butterfly . " Still , some of you did struggle with it , so I will leave the code for one more week for those of you that could not guess it . Well , this week 's post is a bit jam packed , so let me get started ! First of all , I spotted Angel and Claire at Feng Shui Fusion on Friday night . They were perched on stools while enjoying plates of sushi . Claire was going on about her irritation with the events of prom night . " I cannot believe that he ditched me for Kara , " she said , shaking her head . " I mean , its Kara ! I can 't believe he left me for that piece of trash . " " You 're complaining , " Angel gave her a look , " What about Claude ? He basically made me look like some pathetic loser ! Telling me that he had no interest in me romantically ? He basically " friend - zoned " me ! " ( Oh yes he did ! It was absolutely beautiful . ) " And on top of that , he also ditched me for Emilie ! That science geek ! " Angel rolled her eyes . " So , I think I had it a bit worse than you . " " I didn 't say she didn 't . " Angel sighed . " I 'm just saying maybe you shouldn 't have fought with her at the dance . You know how strict the principle was being about fights . " " Hey , no worries , " Angel then said . " This fall we will be in college and get to be around hot college guys . We won 't have to bother ourselves with these stupid high school guys anymore . " " Well , I heard back from Bridgeport University and Duke . They apparently both accepted me . I was a bit surprised about Duke . I got an interview and I didn 't think it went well . I guess there was something about me they liked . " Claire glared at him . " I dropped her off at home on my way home from school . Besides , I uninvited her . This dinner is just for Angel and I . " Claude stared at her for a moment in silence before responding . " To what are you implying ? I don 't believe I have ever messed with you . " Claude raised his eyebrows in realization . " Oh that . I was not messing with Angel . I simply told her that she had the wrong idea about us . We were just friends , but she had mistakenly thought we were more . " " That wasn 't her fault ! You asked her to the prom ! That is asking her out ! You are the one that suddenly changed your mind and wanted to be with , Emilie . " Still Claude pays her no mind . " Look , I didn 't come to argue with you . If Charlotte is at home like you say , I will just go and see her there . " He then turns and leaves , ignoring her loud comment about him being an " asswhole , " as he walks out . I swear , sometimes I wonder if Angel or Claire have any class left in their bodies . Not that they had much to begin with . In other news , I am sure you are wondering what has been going on with Evanglina since everything on the morning after prom night . Literally everyone is wondering that . No one has really seen much of Evanglina for the past week . I don 't think she has even been at school . Maybe she was sick ? Well , I found out the true reason that Friday afternoon . Kara , who had been trying to get into the Marsen house , was finally able to do so when Jake temporarily stepped outside for a few minutes to smoke ( yes , you know what ) . Kara crept in through the back door quietly and found Evanglina cleaning the kitchen . " Hey , what 's up ? " she said , walking over to her . " I haven 't really seen much of you in the past week . Is everything okay ? " It looked like Kara wasn 't buying it either . " Are you sure ? It 's not like you to miss four whole days of school . Not even for being sick . Then again , Monday you didn 't look too good . " Evanglina sighed . " I 'm sorry , my mom 's just really angry about prom night . I slept over at Derek 's house and she is really mad about it . They both are . " " I - I don 't . I - I just don 't want any more problems right now , " Evanglina said . Her voice sounded a little strained . Kara still looked worried , but she moved on . " Well , I came to tell you something . I 've actually been trying to get a hold of you so I could talk to you about it . " " So I heard my mother talking the other day about you and Ricky . It was so weird . She was on the phone with someone and she said something about them needing to hurry with some type of test results . " Kara nodded . " Yes . She was really annoyed about it too . She said that she had asked them to put a rush on it , because Ricky needed to know sooner rather than later . It seemed really important to her . " " I thought so too , but then I started thinking about back when I was talking to Ricky and I said that you and him looked alike . Well , he told me that my mom seemed to really think so and was obsessing over it . Now , he 's been talking about it a lot too . " Kara shrugged . " I know , it sounds crazy , but I really think she believes it ! And I 'll bet that those test results are to prove it . " " Your father . And honestly ? I think Ricky does so too . " Kara then smiled . " It 's weird to think about , right ? That said , it would explain why your mom hates the fact that he is married to my mom . Especially , if she has known all this time . " " My mom probably doesn 't know . She couldn 't . That would mean that she would have kept me from him for all these years . She may have problems , but she wouldn 't do that to me . Right ? " Kara jumped . " I should go ! I don 't want to get you in anymore trouble . Call me , me okay ? And call Derek . He 's really worried about you . " She then slipped out through the back door . Okay , now here is where things got crazy . Henria , as it turns out , was at home the whole time ! She was upstairs and after Kara left , she came slowly down the stairs . Jake coughing a bit from his joint , came walking in through the front door . " I thought we told you that you weren 't allowed any friends over ! Jakes bellowed . " Wow ! You think you can just do whatever you damn well please , don 't you ? " " No I don 't ! " Evanglina cried in frustration . " I didn 't invite her over ! She just came over because she wanted to tell me that Sarah was having some test being run . Something with me and Ricky . " " It 's a lie ! " Henria snapped . " Sarah doesn 't know what she 's talking about ! She 's crazy and making things up ! " " Look at what you 're doing ! " Jake said , glaring at Evanglina . " You 're upsetting your mother ! All for the stupid lie your slut aunt is telling . What an ungrateful waste of space ! " After he says this , Evanglina stared at him for a moment in shock . " I can 't believe you said that . " She then looked at Henria . " Mom ? Aren 't you going to say something ? " Evanglina shook her head . " You know what ? I can 't take this anymore ! I have put up with all this long enough ! I thought I could handle it until graduation , but I can 't ! I have had it ! I 'm moving out ! " " RICKY IS NOT YOUR FATHER ! " Henria screamed . She was on the verge of being hysterical . " HE is not a part of our family ! HE is with Sarah ! Not us ! So just let it go ! " And like usual , just as Evanglina finished saying this , Jake stepped forward and backhanded her hard across the face . Only this time , even I could see that he left a mark . I then noticed that he was wearing some type of ring on his finger and it totally scraped her face during the hit . There was a long gash on Evanglina 's cheek and blood was starting to seep through . But Jake didn 't stop there . He slapped Evanglina several more times and when she fell , he began to kick her body roughly . I literally watched in horror as Jake beat Evanglina up and her mother just stood watching without lifting a finger to help her . Seriously ! She just stood there watching like her mind was somewhere else . I was on the verge of calling the police , when Jake finally stopped . " I told you that you hadn 't seen anything yet , " Jake sneered . " And if you ever talk like that to your mother again , I can do much , much worse . Keep going and you might just not be able to use those legs for a while . " He then grabbed Evanglina by the arm and pulled her up the stairs . You could hear Evanglina 's screams and shouts as he dragged her up the staircase while yelling , " Shut up or I 'll give you something to shout about ! " Then silence when her bedroom door closed loudly . Now I have to say , I am left in a position of confusion . On one hand , I am just a blogger who reports what I see and remains out of the conflicts , but what if I see something that is serious ? What then ? Do I get involved and do something about it ? Or do I watch for the situation to play out ? Well , for now , I will be keeping a close eye on the Marsens as I figure out how to approach this . Meanwhile , please feel free to forward this to anyone you think can help . Violence should never be tolerated , especially not from parents to children . And from the way things are going , Evanglina is going to need all the help she can get to get out of this situation . Hey Queendalers ! If you guessed " gummy bear , " you got it right ! I thought I would do a fun code for this week . I cannot believe how fast the months have gone . In just a month , the seniors will be graduating ! Time sure flies ! Well onto the post ! I am sure you are all wondering what happened with Evanglina and Derek after she went home with him prom night . Well , let me tell you , she didn 't leave until the next morning ! Seriously ! I spotted her hurrying out of Derek 's house the very next morning looking very rattled . " Hey , it was an accident , " said Derek . " We just kind of fell asleep . " I feel a bit disappointed that just like last year nothing exciting happened . Again , too many Fabio covered novels . I have never seen someone petal so fast to get home . It was like she flew and trust me , that dress did not hold her back one bit ! She then jumped off the bike and hurried into her house . Unfortunately , Evanglina was not lucky enough to be able to sneak back in . Henria was waiting for her when she came in through the door . You could hear her voice even from outside . " Mom ! Listen to me ! " Evanglina practically had to yell . " We had just come back from prom and Derek asked me back inside , so I - " " So you went in with him ? ! " Henria looked incredulous . " How could you be so irresponsible ! A child like you going over to sleep at boys ' houses in the night ! " Jake gritted his teeth and then slapped Evanglina right across the face . " You ungrateful little twit ! " He yelled . " After all I have done for you ! Giving you a roof over your head ? You think you can talk to me like that ? You go around whoring yourself to men in the night and then come home and insult your mother ? " " Just shut up ! " Jake yelled . " Just shut the fu * * up ! I am sick of your attitude and your stupid excuses ! You are never seeing that boy again ! Do you hear me ? ! Now get the fu * * upstairs ! NOW ! " Evanglina looked at her mother like she was waiting for her to say something , but she didn 't say a word . She just stood watching in silence . Evanglina then burst into tears and ran up to room , with Henria and Jake yelling up the stairs after her . Goodness , the things that poor girl has to deal with . It makes you wonder what is going on with Ricky and the results . He hadn 't been back in past week . Could it be that Sarah had been wrong ? That Ricky wasn 't Evanglina 's father ? I guess time will tell . In other news , I saw Paul and Brian Nelson downtown together later in the afternoon . They were taking a stroll along the sidewalk , something that I hadn 't ever really seen Paul and Brian do . But nearing them , I realized why . They were having quite a serious conversation . Paul shrugged . " Yah , it has , but that 's life . I figured things were kind of headed in that direction by the way you and mom were acting . Still , I did hope you two could work through it . " Brian sighed . " So did I . But sometimes there are just some things you can 't get past . Learn from my mistakes , son . You find someone you love and know is the one , do not squander it or take it for granted . You never know if you will get another chance . " Afterwards , their conversation became a bit more cheerful . Brian asked how school was going and Paul said it was going well . He also told him how thrilled he was of being accepted at Bridgeport University and Alfred State . He just couldn 't decide between the two . " Don 't go to a school just because of a girl , son . Make sure you are there because you really want to be there . If not and you two don 't stay together , the situation gets messy . Besides , Bridgeport University and Alfred State are only an hour from each other or less . Either way , you two will still be able to see each other . " That Paul couldn 't argue with . Which gets me thinking . With all these couples still in high school , it is so easy , but when they all move to college settings , will they all be able to last ? Well , that 's it for this week . We are winding down to the final weeks of the year and you all are still up with your guessing of who I am . Good guesses and I think one of you might have figured it out … Also , I have noticed that more people are starting to follow my blog , funny , as it is coming to an end . It 's only a matter of time before it spreads to certain people … More soon ! ( Hey my readers ! I 'm sorry that I didn 't post anything last week . I had some dental work to take care of that kept me out for the rest of the week . But I am back , and please enjoy the next post of Kisses , Lexie ! Please read , like and comment ! Thank you ! : ) ) So just after the slow song ended , Ricky Emerson declared it was time to announce prom King and Queen . Slowly , he read the nominees names off , starting with Claire and Angel , and then ending with Evanglina and Maria . The King finalists were Derek , Adam , Paul and Claude . While Angel looked over joyed to be Prom Queen , everyone in the audience looked a bit shocked and confused . It was pretty obvious that barely anyone had voted for her . I could even see Greg Jensen in the corner looking very uncomfortable . I think he had quickly realized his mistake . Of course , Ricky had no objection to that , so Adam left the stage and pulled Maria into his arms . Although I feel like she wanted to protest , I think Maria was too blown away say a thing . I mean , Adam basically changed the traditions of prom just so he could dance with her ! Besides , I don 't think she really wanted to see him and Angel dancing together anyway . Angel looked totally furious ! She watched them dance , scowling for a while , before wandering over to the drink bar by the dancefloor . Claire , who was standing by the stage , went over to join her . " I know you rigged the ballot box . You were hoping that you could win Adam over in a dance , right ? I 'm sorry it didn 't work . " " I don 't know , " Claire said , shaking her head . " He is really , really into her . I hate to say it , but I think he might just be in love with her . " " Because I know him . He 's never been like this with any other girl . Even Charlotte couldn 't get him away from her . I 'm telling you , the guy is in love with her . I hate it , but I am sick of trying to break them up . " " Sure you were . I saw the look on your face , Kara , but just so you know , Paul isn 't interested in you . He will never will be interested in you . So I suggest you stop shamelessly throwing yourself at a guy that will never be yours . " Claire side glanced at him and then looked back to Kara . " Wow … " Claire shook her head . " Are you seriously about to dump me for her ? " When Paul doesn 't answer , Claire just laughed . " Wow , " she says again , " this is actually happening . I am actually being dumped for some hoe bag slut . " Kara scoffed . " I think you are mistaking me for you and Angel . How many guys have you two been with again ? Or have you already lost count ? " No sooner did Kara finish that sentence , when Claire suddenly pummeled her to the floor ! People all around them had to quickly jump to the sides as they rolled along the floor . Claire was seriously trying to do some damage by strangling her , but Kara , I must say , did hold her own ! I even heard a bit of chanting coming from the watching crowd . Paul did try and yell for Claire to get off Kara , but she was definitely not listening . I really think she wanted to kill her . No really ! I think she did ! You should have seen the look of pure hatred on her face . It was scary ! Still , it was nice to see Kara letting Claire have it ! That said , no deed goes unpunished . After a couple minutes , Ricky intervened and let Kara have it for getting in a fight . She apologized and explained the situation , but he was still very angry with her . You could see it on his face . She was lucky not to get kicked out ! Claire , however , did get a harsher punishment . Because of initiating the fight , she was actually kicked out of the prom ! I guess the principle wasn 't too happy about what happened . Not to mention he already was not that crazy about her in the first place . She looked pretty angry and glum as she walked out through the front doors , Angel following close behind . They both gave Kara a look of disgust . I think she had better watch her back ! The rest of the night seemed to go a bit more smoothly . It was especially for Adam , until he made the mistake of kissing Maria as they were dancing . She moved back caught off guard , and asked him what he was doing and when he tried to kiss her again , she turned and walked right off the dance floor ! He stood standing puzzled for a few minutes before following after her . I had wanted to follow along , but then I noticed Claude heading over to a certain red head . I had been watching him all night making eyes at Emilie and it seemed he had finally worked up the courage to approach her , something I did not want to miss ! When Emilie nodded , he continued . " I wanted to apologize to you for the way I have treated you the past few months . I consider you a good friend , but I haven 't been acting like it . That was wrong of me , and I am terrible sorry about it . " Claude shook his head . " No , it isn 't . I was wrong and you have every right to be angry with me . That night at Angel 's party , " he sighed , " I really don 't know what happened . I guess I was just so thrown by your words that I didn 't react . I should have said something instead of just standing there like that . " Emilie shrugged . " It was what it was . You were never supposed to hear that poem I wrote about you . I honestly don 't even know how Angel got a hold of it . " She then paused and shook her head . " But when it comes to her , I shouldn 't be surprised . " Claude shook his head . " Heavens , no . Angel and I are just friends . I 'm afraid she wanted more than that , but I couldn 't be that for her . Not when I have feelings for another . " Emilie looked at him with a bit of hesitation , but finally she took his hand . " I suppose a dance wouldn 't hurt , " she said and then he whisked her onto the dancefloor . And though she might deny it , she looked extremely happy to be dancing with him . Extremely . And I was happy to see it . I wasn 't the only one . Surprisingly , I saw Charlotte off to the side doing a happy cheer when she saw Claude and Emilie start dancing . I am guessing she had given him a bit of a pep talk beforehand and was happy to see the end result . Maybe she wasn 't as bad as we all originally thought . " But it 's true ! I wouldn 't say it if I didn 't mean it ! I love you Maria , and it is killing me not being with you ! " " Then why did you do it ? If you love me so much , then why would you hurt me like this ? Why did you cheat on me ? " Adam is quiet for a moment before he answers . " Because I was an idiot . I was so caught up in what I wanted that I just wasn 't thinking . If I could take it back , I would do it in a second . You have to believe that . " She then turned and walked back through the double doors into the dance . I can 't help but weep for the pain the both of them or going through . Though I must admit that none of this would have happened if Adam hadn 't let himself get carried away with Charlotte . Ugh . The last hour of the dance went by very quickly . A lot of people started heading out , so soon the dance floor had thinned out . That didn 't stop Kara and Paul though . I saw them still on the dance floor grooving to the beat . Please don 't ask me how I know it was her first . I just know * wink * wink * . Anyways , I just happened to see them doing so on the dancefloor just as Ricky announced that he would be playing the final prom song from the movie , called , " A Night To Remember . " Fitting . Anyways , luckily Emilie and Claude were so into each other that they didn 't notice this cute pic I snapped of them . Enjoy all ! I also got this adorable picture of Derek and Evanglina as they were shuffling off the dancefloor together . They were both smiling and I heard something about her going back to his place . Now what did that mean ? Where they going to make … magic ? Only one way to find out ! As I was leaving , I happened to hear a conversation between Maria and Josephina as they were dancing together . Just as I expected , Josephina informed Maria that after checking the correct ballots , she had found out that the real winners for prom were Evanglina and Derek ! As Claire , had mentioned , Angel had bribed Greg Jensen to change the names . As I was heading out the door , I happened to see Paul and Kara saying their goodbyes . It would seem that they seriously had had hidden feelings for each other . That said , I 'm telling you , the way they were suddenly all over each other , you wouldn 't have guessed it . So , in his rented black stretch limo , Derek escorted Evanglina back to his house . It seemed like a slow ride , but before long it had pulled right in front of his driveway . Derek then helped Evanglina out of the car and walked her up the path to his front door . And as I 'm sure you guessed , a minute turned into several minutes and several minutes turned into thirty . So much so , that this blogger had to head off . Besides , they looked pretty cozy together on Derek 's sofa . Thought it would be kind to give them some privacy ! I only hope she will get home before any problems arise from you know who ! And on a final note for today 's post , I did see Emilie and Claude kissing goodnight by the entrance to her house . It was amazing how they went from just a dance to a massive lip - lock . Glad to see that they were able to work things out by the end of the night ! Just wait until Angel sees them on Monday ! Well that is it for the official prom post ! Two posts jam packed with gossip and drama ! Kind of like the " All In " movie , huh ? It 's a bit weird … Well more soon ! |
Being twenty , living at home with my single Mom that does pills every night and sleeps for cash , no girlfriend ( never had one ) , and basically no money , there 's nothing to do . All I have is my computer , video games , and my community college that sucks . I don 't have the grades to go somewhere nice , and I 'm too poor to run away . Being a pretty boring person , I need something . Anything . I finally decided that I would do the one thing that makes every person cool , even if that person sucks at it : creating a rock band . The first was some hipster kid with a fedora on . I asked him what he played , and he said he plays a keytar . I ask what the fuck that is , and he pulls out a keyboard that looks like a guitar out of his case . He starts playing , and he 's good , but I still can 't shake the feeling that he 's a gigantic faggot . Second and third were too girls who liked to sing . One was some black chick who just liked singing the same way Beyonce did and added in horrible dance moves . The other girl was some country chick from Oklahoma that sung like shit , but she was hot , so I picked her over the other chick . Fourth was Lucas . Lucas is probably 400 pounds , black , and rides around in a wheelchair . He plays the drums , and he is fucking amazing . With his wheelchair , I don 't even have to get a seat for him to sit down on while playing . Finally , a Korean kid , Lee Won , showed up . Wearing a South Korea soccer jersey , he took out a guitar and started to play Canon Rock . He wasn 't even fucking trying , but he was fucking amazing . He can 't speak English that well at all , and he looked more like a girl than the chick trying to be Beyonce , but the guy knew how to play guitar . So at the end of the day , I had my band . Tony , the hipster keytar player . Chelsea , the Spears wannabe singer . Lucas , the wheelchair bound African drums player . Lauren , the depressing chick who doesn 't wear a bra . And finally , Lee Won , the Korean who can play guitar like a God . Sleeping around , etc . My Mother is a slut . She 's not a terrible Mom , and she 's not mean , but she 's been really flaky since my Dad left her for some Swedish transfer teacher . Anyways , after that day , we started practicing every day . The Spears wannabe didn 't show up for the first two practices , so we had the others try and sing . Lucas couldn 't sing at all , Tony and Lauren sounded like they were trying to do a cover of My Chemical Romance , but Lee Won , again , was pretty good . You couldn 't really understand the fuck he was saying because he was mixing in Korean and English , but he had a nice voice . We got into a fight , she wanted to quit , but Lucas stepped in ( . . . rolled in ) and told us all to stop acting like faggots . Tony was off to the side smoking some weed , and Lee Won was reading manga on my couch . Lauren was sitting by herself on a chair I brought from my room and was staring at everyone back and forth like she was about to explode from anxiety . We kept practicing for a few weeks , and we became closer as a band . We started thinking of songs , mostly me , and we were finally hitting a groove . Chelsea was fine with being the back up singer to our Korean superstar , and the others were having fun with it all . She hugged me , and fuck , she smelled good . Like strawberries and sweat mixed together into a totally sweet combo . She then walks off and gets in Lee Won 's van that he took from his parents restaurant . Alright , so we finished our first gig , and we all went back to college that week and took a week off of practicing because of mid - terms . I was studying like crazy to get good grades , and since I suck at anything school related , Lauren told me that she would help me . Seeing as she was getting straight A 's in everything , she helped me out while we worked on music at our house . Chelsea brought her boyfriend , a guy who looked like he was a forty , and he had the balding hair to prove it . They just went off in the corner and made out while we were all working , and Lee Won went around and helped everyone with our math . He would come over to whoever was having trouble , take our pen , make a few swipes , and he would show us how to do it . Lauren helped everyone with our Literature course , and Lucas brought us food . We all had a fun time , and we were ready for the tests in the upcoming days . Since the weekend was coming up , I asked Lauren if she wanted to go to Six Flags . She said that she would love to , and then she asked Lucas because he was right by us . Lucas then asked Lee Won , and Lee Won asked Tony who asked Chelsea who asked her boyfriend who brought some old people with him for some damn reason . We get to Six Flags in the Won Mobile ( except Chelsea , her boyfriend , and his posse ) and all start to go around and do all the shit we can find . Seeing as Lucas can 't ride on the roller coasters , him and Tony went off to go play games . Me , seeing that as the most fun , first went to go out try X2 with Lee Won and Lauren . Things then got kinda got awkward . Seeing as there is only two people per seat on the ride , and there was three of us , one of us had to get left out . We all looked at each other , and Lee Won said he would go with some random person and let us two go together . I gave him a high five behind Lauren 's back , and he gave me a thumbs up . We ate our food and then went to go play games with Tony and Lucas . We all played that game where you have to shoot the target until the thing goes into the air and hits the top , so we all went at it at once . Lucas somehow won , gave the gigantic teddy bear to Lauren , and she gave him a kiss on the cheek . I raged on the inside , but I let it slide seeing as I didn 't think of Lucas as a competitor for her heart . The rest of the day was a bunch of rides and games . The most memorable thing could probably be the 3 - Point Challenge thing the park was running . Alright , OP here , I think I 'm going to bed . Let me talk about the mid - terms really quickly . After the Six Flags weekend , we all did pretty well on the mid - terms . Lauren aced everything , Lucas got average grades , Tony got above average , Lee Won did well , Chelsea didn 't fail , and I got above average . Then one day , while practicing , Lucas came rolling in and said that he got us a gig . We asked if it was for his sister 's birthday , and he told us that it was a real deal . The near by high school needed a band for its Valentines Dance , and the band they had totally flaked out on them . Lucas ' Dad works there , so he told Lucas and got us the gig . I have to intercept everyone , bring them to the garage , and get ready there . I 'm no going to say I 'm ashamed of my Mother , but . . . never mind , I am very ashamed of her . We all get ready , throw our shit in the Won Mobile , and we 're on our way to the high school . We get ready and start heading inside when a few girls come over to van and start chatting up Tony . Tony , wearing some horrible looking black and white striped tuxedo with a hat to match , starts to chat with them and then bails for a few minutes to go wherever they wanted him to go . Lucas says he 'll go roll after him , but I tell him that I 'll go . We get inside and almost no one is there . The teacher supervisors are all inside and not giving a shit about the party outside . The only kids inside seem to be the preppy kids and the nerds that wouldn 't ever do drugs or drink alcohol . The set is finished , and a few kids clap . A few kids danced , some told us that we did a good job , and that was it . We had finished our second gig , and it was a big improvement over the last one , I guess . Tony explains to us since we 're done playing , he 's going to go outside and find a girl named Sara . Lucas tells me to fuck off and to carry all the shit I made him carry before , and he follows after Tony . Chelsea gets on her cellphone right away and calls up her boyfriend , ignoring all of us . Before I can yell for help , Lee rushes over to her and headbutts the guy in the chest and then punches him in the face . I then yell for help , and people rush over to check out what happened . We explain the situation , and we say that the guy has drugs on him . Okay , friends went home already , so I can continue . Let 's see , after the Valentines Night Dance , we all said we would take a few days to settle our heads before practicing again . Me and Lee Won were at my house , doing some homework when my cell began to ring . It was Lauren . Lauren wanted to thank me for being a great help , and she says that her family is proud of her for doing something productive instead of sitting around the house all day . She questioned me to see if me and her could meet later on that night at a local book store , and I couldn 't contain my happiness . I told her I would be there in an hour , and I hung up . Lee Won gave me a pounding of the fist and asked if I had ever been on a date before . Seeing as I was twenty , it was weird telling him that I had actually never been out with a girl alone before . He told me that he hadn 't either , and he was 19 - years - old . I was shocked , knowing how great the guy was , but he then added in that his Mom thought women in America were demons and would rape him . I laughed , and Lee said that he didn 't like it . He felt like an outsider when most of his friends talked about trying to get girls back in high school , and he knew that if he asked out a girl that his Mom would beat his head in . His Dad , on the other hand , wanted Lee to fuck every girl he saw , but his Mom wore the pants in his family , so Lee Won was out of luck . Lee told me to have a great time and to get Lauren . He added that I was a good guy , and he knew that Lauren liked me the same way I liked her . I don 't know why , but I gave him a hug , and while the silence broke in , I ran out of the room without looking back . She was at the book store when I got her , and she was sitting down at the counter where they served coffee . I asked her what she was reading , and she told me it was just the newspaper from the school we performed at . They called us the ' College Dropout Robots 9000 ' for some fucking reason , probably Lucas , but it also said that we were an upcoming band , so that felt nice ; even though that piece of writing was probably from some 14 - year - old kid that didn 't even listen to us . We started talking about how much fun it has been to have so many people around , and she thanked me again for being always there for me . She looked me in the eye , smiled , and gave me a gigantic hug . I melted in my seat , and if I died right there , it would have been fucking awesome . My first intimate hug from a girl that wasn 't part of my family , and it was soft , warm , and her body smelled like strawberries without the sweat this time . The last time she hugged me was different . This time it meant something . Of course , my best friend . It had to be the guy who I actually liked , but at least he was a good guy . At least it was Lee Won . Tony ? Hipster Tony ? The guy who makes out with under age girls Tony ? Guy who ruined our performance almost by snorting coke at the lunch tables with loser high school rejects ? Everything after that was a blur of her talking about how hot and perfect he was . How she LOVED his style . How she LOVED his fucking keytar playing . When she came to give me a hug to leave , I hugged her and felt nothing but my heart breaking even more . Ah fuck it , I 'll tell more tonight . The last part was weird , so I want to clear some things up . First off , Lee Won and me aren 't the same person . I want to kill that before everyone theories that . Just really similar names ( well , his first name is Lee and last name is Won ) . He asked me if he found out about Lauren liking Tony , and I flipped out . He fucking knew ? Then why the hell didn 't he tell me this before ? He told me that he wanted me to have confidence and not feel like shit going , and Lee Won thought she would like me the same if I had some confidence . His confidence busting failed , and I felt like shit . He told me that Lauren told him the night of the Valentines Day Dance , and how she was really jealous of him going after those young teenage girls . She asked him what she should do to get Tony , and Lee Won told her that Tony seemed kinda of a free spirit and probably couldn 't be tied down by one girl . He then said she responded by saying that it was her goal to tame him or some dominatrix shit like that . On Monday we had class , and me and Lee Won hung out during free period to become strategical and find a way to make myself appealing to her . We thought maybe that I should change my style to what Tony wore , but we agreed that becoming like him would be too much money and be a waste of time . Lucas came over in his chair forty minutes later and asked what was up , saying he heard about Tony and Lauren . We ask him how the hell he found that out , and he told us that Lauren came to him last night on the phone , asking how to get Tony . I raged inside , Lee tried not to laugh at all of her attempts , and Lucas said to go up to Tony , show her breasts , and ask him for sex . I was about to hit the fucking 500 pound wheelchair bastard , but Lee stopped me and said that he was just joking . He wasn 't , but I was calmed down by that point . I call a band meeting after school at my place and everyone shows up , including Tony and Lauren . I tell them that we 'll probably be booking our new gig soon , so we should start practicing . We all agree to do an instant practice session , and we begin . An hour or two later , Tony says he has to leave and bolts , Lauren following behind him . Lauren had her hands on his trashy suit that he was wearing , and I could hear the words , ' I like you ' over the silence that overcame me . My heart dropped , again , and I felt like shit . . . again . Tony took her arms , pressed his hands around her waist , grabbing her ass in the process , and started to make out with her in my kitchen . I sigh , tell Lee Won let 's go back , and we do . We go back to the garage and hang out with Chelsea and Lucas who are talking about some shitty new television show on VH1 or some stupid crap . I sit down on the rundown couch I have in the corner and put my heads in my face . I felt like crying , but I couldn 't feel any water come out of my eyes . Chelsea asked me what was wrong , but I just told her that I hit my head when walking to the bathroom . She sat next to me and apologized randomly for always bringing her outside friends to practices and outings we have . I told her it was fine , and we shared . . . a moment . . . somewhat . Done with school paper , so I can update . Let 's see , I left off where Lauren and Tony became a couple . This sent a little ripple through our group when Lauren called everyone in the group and started to explode about how happy she was . We wanted to go out and do something as a group , but my Mom saw us all come out from the garage and insisted we spent the night meeting her new man . The game lasted until 12 : 00 AM when Rodrigo finally got drunk enough to start groping my mother in front of my friends . She said that she should get him to bed , and the two of them went upstairs with his hand up her shirt . Chelsea told me that if I wanted , me and her could go out on a date and see if I liked her as much as she liked me , but I declined . Told her that she was just joking with me , and I walked away before she could say anything else to me . I went down to push Lucas off his chair and force him to walk to his car while Chelsea 's eyes burned in the back of my skull . Tony and Lauren wouldn 't get away from each other . Every time I looked at one of them , the other was there . I asked Lee if he could ask Tony to see if he really liked Lauren and wasn 't just doing it for sex , and Lee Won complied by getting Tony alone after practice before he went off with his new girlfriend . Lee came back , telling me that Tony said that he really loved Lauren , and I wanted to punch something . The guy was such a douche , and if Lauren wouldn 't quit from it , I would have kicked him out of my band . He didn 't add anything to the band , anymore . Then it hit me on the head . He never signed up for my band because he wanted to play music . He signed up so that he could get high , get paid , and have sex with women . . . Dammit , it was really like he was a rock star . Two days before the performance , Lee Won came to me with an idea . He told me that he had an idea to get Lauren and Tony to break up and leave her to me . I didn 't know why he was so mad at Tony , but then he added that he found Tony and Lauren in his van . . . doing stuff , and he had to explain to his parents why his van smelled the way it did . We had a day before our third gig at some annoying little bitch 's party , so me and him tried to brainstorm ideas to make Lauren see how big of a douche he really was . I suggested getting a local dealer at our school to show up at the gig , get him to talk to Tony , and call the police while Tony was doing lines on the asphalt . Lee said it was too risky , and we didn 't really want him to go to jail . With all three of us in a room , we asked why he wanted Tony out of the group . He said Tony never paid him back the $ 20 that he owed him , and he wanted him dead . Lucas then brought up the idea that we should get Lauren to see how he really is when he isn 't acting so perfectly cool and deep . The next night rolled by , and we were a few hours away of going on . We got to the party early and there wasn 't a lot of people there . The girl that was throwing the party didn 't even talk to us , making out with her boyfriend on her couch while Fresh Prince of Bel - Air played in the background . Lee asked Tony if him and Lauren were really close , and he said they were . This went on for a little while until Lucas got the second phase of the plan going . We asked Chelsea to take Lauren to the market to get some stuff while this was going on so it wouldn 't be interrupted . We watched as she seduced him , move away from the crowd and take out some joints for the two of them to share , and we then reached the third part of the phase . When Melissa said that they should make out in the ' cool rock band van ' , the last part came . Lee was already hiding in the front seat , camera phone in hand , silently taking pictures while the two wrestled their tongues . She then yelled at him to get the fuck away , and I told him that it would be best if he left . With Lauren now hating the guy , I wouldn 't feel bad about deleting his number and forgetting what a keytar was . When I went to console Lauren , though , she was already hugging and crying into Lee 's shoulder , so I sulked off and got ready to play . I guess I would talk to her later . Without our keyboard player , we got ready to play our third gig that could possibly be our worst and last . The party was getting into full swing when we started to play , but we were more shitty than usual . Lauren didn 't even try ; Lee didn 't play like he usually does ; the main mic levels were too high , so Chelsea 's screeching voice was awful as hell ; Lucas was fine , like always , but even he couldn 't help my paranoid mind while playing the guitar . When we were done , no one clapped , and everyone went back to what we were doing . I didn 't want to lug all the shit back to the van so soon , so I looked for a place where I could get a drink . Before I could do that , though , the girl throwing the party came up to me and told me that I have to hurry my shit . Asked her why , and she said another band was coming to play . The real band . There was only three of them . They showed up in a better looking van than theirs , and they had a few friends who weren 't in the band to help them set up . There were two guys ; one of them had long blond bangs in his eyes and the hipster thing going on like Tony did . The other guy was Asian , like Lee , but was Japanese and had some of those stylish glasses that everyone has these days with the thick rims . Finally , the singer , was someone I recognized even if she was wearing a ton of makeup , glasses , and one of those Gothic Lolita dresses , Charlotte Daniels . She went to my high school , and we were in the same classes for throughout all four years . Me and her were never really friends , but we always got partnered because we were the quiet nerdy kids and no one wanted to be partners with us . Even with her new look , she had those braces that I remembered . We talked about how it was weird seeing each other after two years , and I promised I would watch her set . She got taken away finally by their Japanese singer , and Lee glared at him while the Japanese guy glared back . They wouldn 't get along . Her band 's name was Lucky Thirteen Clover , and her band mates names were Aaron and Takeshi . They played a few songs , and she was playing guitar . Lee commented every few minutes on how Takeshi 's voice was shitty , and Lucas commented every few minutes on how he was trying to see and guess what color panties Charlotte was wearing . I told her we would meet her at the Denny 's near the highway , and they bolted off before we did . Lucas didn 't mind , talking about how tight Charlotte 's ass looked in the outfit and undergarments she was wearing . I asked Lee Won if he knew the Takeshi guy , and he told me he did . The two of them used to be on a soccer team together in middle school . It all started when the two of them both wanted to be the forward on the team . They were both , by far , the best on the team , he said , and they both wanted to be the star who scored the most goals . The coach finally picked Takeshi to be the forward , making Lee Won the goalie , and the two got into a fight in their first game after two minutes into the game . He also added that he thinks Japan is an evil country that deserves to be destroyed . I apologized , said that we could cancel , but he told me that it would be rude and that we should at least go for a little while . We showed up at Denny 's , and we walked in with there only being maybe seven or so people in there . A few were alone , looking high out of there mind , and one or two couples that were making out in booths . Charlotte called us over , and we all sat down at the back booth that had the most space . On one side was my band , and the other side was their band . It was like a battle was about to start between Lee and Takeshi even before someone said anything . Takeshi excused himself to the bathroom a minute or two after we sat down , and we all started to open and talk . Aaron seemed like a nice enough guy , saying that he heard of our band from our high school gig and said that he heard good things . I was happy that he wasn 't as big as a douche and a faggot than Tony was . Lucas focused on Charlotte , asking her question , diving into the deep questions after only knowing her for ten minutes . He asked if she had a boyfriend , and Aaron started to laugh his ass off . I asked him what was funny , and he said that Charlotte was the biggest lesbian he knew . She then hit him , said that she just hasn 't found the right guy , and then told Lucas that she never had the opportunity to have one . Back in school , she got picked on a lot . While I was the kid that sat in the corner and was ignored by everyone , she got cornered by the popular girls and picked on for her braces , looks , and clothes . She looked different now , and her fashion was much different , but she still seemed as nice as ever . When we worked on projects , she was always friendly and good to work with . We got along well . Lucas then delved deeper with Charlotte , asking if she liked what kind of chocolate she liked . She didn 't really get what he was getting at , so she said dark chocolate . As she fell into his trap , Lucas pressed his hands against his body and told her that he was enough dark chocolate to fill her forever . Me , Aaron , and even the brooding Takeshi all laughed , and Charlotte had a look on her face like she didn 't get the joke . She told Lucas that he was cute and that spurred him on more . For the next hour , during pancakes , soda , and watching Takeshi and Lee take turns going to the bathroom , he continued to ask her sexual questions and flirt with her . Finally , we were done , and it was around 5 : 00 AM in the morning . We all had a good time except for our two Asians , and we split the bill . While Takeshi and Lee both ran away from the table and to the vans , Lucas and Aaron started to chat about music and girls . Charlotte pulled me back as the others started to get out of the place , and she thanked me for a great night out . She then asked if I could have my cell phone number , and I told her that she could call me any time . She stood there for a few seconds after I gave my phone number , but I didn 't know what to do . We stood there awkwardly for twenty seconds before I gave her a high five on the shoulder and turned away . I said goodbye and ran off before I killed myself with a salt shaker . The morning after meeting up with Charlotte and her band , me , Lucas , and Lee Won spent the whole night in my room talking , not getting any sleep at all . All Lucas wanted to talk about was how Charlotte was supposedly fucking him in his black ass with her piercing eyes . Lee Won only talked about Takeshi , saying how he was a better soccer player than him and that Takeshi only got the forward spot because the coach was Japanese . He said that if the two of them ever got locked in a room together , Lee Won would take his guitar and bash it over Takeshi 's head repeatedly . I didn 't really talk about anything , but my mind was focused on Lauren and Charlotte . For one , neither probably liked me . Lauren thought of me as a brother , and I couldn 't imagine how she would change her thoughts from brother to boyfriend so quickly after leaving Tony . Charlotte , on the other hand , at least to him , saw him as at least a friend . At least she didn 't randomly tell him after asking for his number that she thought of him as her long lost brother or some shit . School on Monday was weird . I walked into my first class , and as usual , I was alone in the corner with no one really to talk to . Then , out of nowhere , Tony sat down beside me and slammed his hand on my desk . He told me what the fuck was with those pictures going to Lauren and how she wouldn 't take any of his calls . I wasn 't really afraid of Tony . He looked like he spent all of his days picking out his clothes and trying to look like he was deep . I would be surprised if he could throw a single punch correctly . Not to say that I was a good fighter , but I did take karate for a few years and did know a thing or two . I just didn 't like to fgiht . The rest of the day was basically free period after free period , and me and Lee Won met in the library to talk about Lauren . She hadn 't called me since the gig , but Lee Won told me that she called him five times yesterday and three times during his class . I asked him why she was calling him and not me , and he shrugged and said that maybe she didn 't want to bother me with her crying . Fuck , what a lost cause . If she considers me her brother at least , she could give me a ring and cry about how big of an asshole Tony is ; we could of bonded over that fact . Instead she goes to Lee Won , and she 'll probably ignore me until band practice when she has to be nice . We tried to talk more about her , but Lee Won was still raging over Takeshi . ' He is such a faggot . He always hugged our teammates after he scored a goal . He must be gay ' , he told me , putting on an angry face that I had only seen twice in the time I knew him . I said to forget all the shit about the Japanese guy , but he wouldn 't get off it . This transitioned into talking about Charlotte , and how Lee Won knew she liked me . I asked him how the hell he would know that , but all he did was lean back in his chair , give me a confident look , and say , ' I know she wants you . ' Lucas showed up during lunch , and we all ate together . He told me that I had a hot as fuck Mom , and I told him thank you like it was a compliment . I told him that she was like twenty years older than him and dating someone , but Lucas made me throw away my lunch after saying that her tits were the perfect size . Lee Won laughed at his descriptions of my Mom , happy to not be talking about Takeshi . When it was time to go , Lee Won was going to give a lift to his house to hang out . We 've never been to his house , so I was excited to see how his family was like . While walking to the Won Mobile , we saw Aaron also walking to his car in the parking lot . Not knowing he went to our school , we said hey and he said hey back . He told me that Charlotte wouldn 't shut up about us yesterday and that we should hang out on the free day we had coming up on Wednesday . Lee Won asked if Takeshi would be coming , and Aaron said that Takeshi couldn 't stop talking about Lee Won either . Lucas laughed at Lee Won , patted him on the back , and I told Aaron I would call to make plans with everyone . Lee Won had a pissed off look all the way to his gigantic house that his parents owned . He grunted about how much of a jackass Takeshi was and how big of a faggot that he was supposedly . His parents were super nice . They both were around the same age my Mom was , and they asked if we wanted food or a drink right when we walked through the door . Of course Lucas wanted something , asking if he could have the biggest thing they had to eat . Lee 's Mom laughed , gave him a hug , and said that he was a charming young boy . This then resulted in Lucas going off with Lee 's Mom with me and Lee going up to his room . His room was covered in South Korea soccer posters , soccer trophies , and a flag of South Korea on his wall . He had two beds in his room , and I asked if that was a guest bed or something . He said no , that his twin sister sleeps with him in this room . Twin sister ? Yeah , he told me that his twin sister went to a private girl academy about ten miles from his house and that she slept in his room on weekends and holidays . I asked what her name was , and he said her name was Bae Won Lee or some crazy mixed up name like that . He said that she was a lot like him , played music and all that , but was more into the piano and trumpet . Lee pointed over to her wall of trophies that was beside Lee Won 's , and how she had bunch of trophies for music and softball . Throughout eating , Lucas said how nice Lee 's Mom ass was and how he wouldn 't mind sticking something in it . Lee laughed it off and didn 't take any offense , telling him that his father would slice his head off if even tried touching her . This made Lucas shut up a little , focusing back on his food . Needless to say , I had a bit of trouble actually sleeping . I only had a half hour anyways , so why fall asleep ? It wasn 't like I had friends in this class to wake me up , and I 'm sure that Tony McCool would make sure no one did . I glanced at the clock , class would start in about 7 minutes but the professor wasn 't here yet . I heard the door open , and some asshole was talking so loud I thought he might have been yodeling . I thought it might have been some asshat talking to the professor as they often did and being loud about it , I was wrong . It was Tony and his hipster crew . I kept my head down and tried not to start any kind of confrontation . I could see him through the crack of my elbows , he was wearing a lime green tie , his fedora , a suit , and drinking a Starbucks drink . it still had the insulation paper crap around it , so I imagined that it was still scalding hot . I lost sight of him eventually , and was half asleep . Piping hot fucking magma raced down my hair , face , head , and down my shirt . At least that 's what it felt like . I immediately SCREAMED a manly roar , it was almost load enough to squelch the classroom 's laughter . I looked up and saw just was I was half expecting , Tony looking down with his fucking hipster smirk and an open coffee cup . Wednesday rolled by and it was time for the group date . . . thing . I don 't know what really to call it . It was my band and Charlotte 's band meeting at a bowling alley for a night of fun . I called Aaron and asked if he wanted to practice together , but he said that we should forget about music for one night and go bowling . So me , Lauren , Lee Won , Lucas , and Chelsea all get into the van to go the bowling alley , and we 're again , all gossiping about the other band . Lauren and Chelsea never met them , so they ask Lucas how they are . He says they 're nice and the Charlotte is a hot piece of work , and Chelsea responds by asking if any of the guys are hot . Lee Won adds in after that by saying that he doesn 't know if they 're hot , but he surely knows one of them is gay . We get to the bowling alley , and Charlotte , Aaron , and Takeshi are already there with a few other people . We ask who they are , and Charlotte says they 're friends of Takeshi and Aaron . Aaron is with some guy friends of his , and Takeshi is in a school uniform , looking like he just got out , with an Asian girl with him . Before I can ask where to pay for our shoes , Lee Won pushes me out of the way and gets into Takeshi 's face . The girl that Takeshi is with is wearing a school outfit as well , and I purely guessed from his reaction that must be Lee Won 's twin sister . After looking at her , it did make sense , except her hair had red highlights in them , and she wore orange glasses . Lee Won had hold of Takeshi 's short , Bae Lee had a hold of Lee Won 's shirt , and Takeshi had his hands in the air like he didn 't do anything wrong . I commented to everyone that the girl Takeshi with was Lee Won 's twin sister , and Aaron said that was why Takeshi was talking about someone called Lee all the time . It made sense . Finally , Lauren and Bae pulled Lee Won off of Takeshi before he punched him in the face and moved him as far away as Takeshi as possible . I wanted to go talk to him , but Lauren took his hand and took him outside before I could . Takeshi was laughing at the interaction he just had , probably knowing that he was with Lee Won 's sister . This pissed me off , making myself confront him . I asked if he knew that he was with Lee Won 's sister , away from the whole group , and he said he did know . He apparently went to the boys academy right by school Bae Lee went to , and they met during a school concert they had at the start of the year . He told me that he wasn 't with her to piss off Lee Won and didn 't even remember who he was until the gig at the party a few days back . Bae Lee introduced herself to me , and I said hello back to her . She asked if I was Leon , and I told her I was . The girl then told me on how her brother always raved about me and how I was such a good friend . She thanked me because Lee Won used not to be as cheery as he is now , and she thinks that starting the band made him open up more . I told her that it was no problem , and I left her to Takeshi . Aaron and Chelsea were already at one of the duo seats situated by the bowling lanes , and Lucas was chatting it up with Charlotte . I never understood the term group date until that moment . There were nine of us there , and they had all split into doubles except me . I continued eating my fries until someone plopped down next to me , Charlotte . She told me that Lucas was trying to teach her how to bowl in his wheelchair , but one of the workers there saw him and started yelling . Lucas was now preoccupied by having an argument about how he couldn 't walk , but the worker there was trying to tell him he couldn 't just bowl in a wheelchair and how it was against the bowling alley rules . We talked about the old days and how we were the biggest losers in class . I asked her why she changed her look , and she said she was sick of always being whiny and complaining on why no one liked her . She changed her look , her habits , and tried to change for the better . I told her that she looked great , and I think she blushed , but the dimming in the alley was too dark to actually tell . I asked her how her band got together , and she explained . She went to the same girl academy that Lee Won 's sister went to , and her and Takeshi met during the same concert that they met Bae Lee . They started talking afterward , Charlotte and Takeshi wanted to start a band , but Bae was too shy to actually be in it . This led to the two of them looking for a third member , and Takeshi called up his old friend , Aaron , and that is how it all began . They tried to get Lee Won 's sister in the band forever , but she said that being in a band wasn 't for her . She was much more comfortable when there were fifty people with her instead of her being in the spotlight . She asked why I started my band , and I said I wanted to change just like her . She asked if I 've changed , and I replied that I don 't know really if I changed at all . Charlotte added that I was always a great guy in high school and that I was great now , putting her hand on my knee while I chomped onto a french fry . Things were going great until Lucas showed up . Lucas just didn 't show up , he broke through everyone in the food place like they were ants . He must have knocked down three people with his wheelchair while getting to me and Charlotte . He was screaming something , but I couldn 't hear him until he got closer . He told me that something was going on outside , and we followed . When we got outside , everyone was trying to stop what was going on . Lee Won was atop of Takeshi , screaming at the top of his lungs , and punching him in the face . His sister tried to pull him off , but he wouldn 't stop . I ran over to where he was , got him off of him with Lauren , Charlotte , and Bae behind me , and told him to stop it before someone called the police . When I pulled him off , this gave a chance for Takeshi to compose himself and get away from Aaron who was holding him back . He punched Lee Won in the face as hard as he could , probably breaking his nose in the process , and stormed off into the night while pulling Bae Lee 's hand with him . Aaron stalked after them to see if they were alright , and Charlotte apologized again and again hurriedly . That was it . The four of them left the alley at that second , not looking back or coming back once . Lee 's nose was bleeding like a fountain , and Lauren was trying to stop the bleeding by using her shirt as pressure . Lee Won 's eyes were cold . He honestly didn 't look like Lee Won at all . He was sitting on the ground , knees to his chest , and his hands clinched into a fighting position . Lauren continued to help him , and Chelsea was talking to Lucas about what we should do . That night was spent with me , Lucas , and Chelsea along with my Mom and some 30 - something - year - old guy that I never met before . He was nice , but the rest of us got into my room before my Mom made us play scrabble with them . The only good thing about my Mother sleeping around and usually being drunk was that she didn 't care if I had a girl sleep in my room . . . or in my bed . . . Really , I could be having sex in front of my Mom , and she would probably pat my head and say I was doing a good job . Chelsea told me how much of a gentleman Aaron was and how cute he looked in his clothes . I asked her what about her 60 - year - old boyfriend , and she told me they broke up ages ago . Said that he was too old for her , and he wasn 't fun after the first few trips on his boat . Lucas was afraid for Lee Won , thinking he might do something stupid after what happened . I asked how the fight started , and Chelsea said that his sister and Takeshi were making out in the parking lot . Lauren and Lee Won were talking on the steps , and Lee Won saw what was going on . He went crazy , attacked Takeshi , and the two started fighting . That 's when Lucas got me and everything else happened . Lucas added he might not want Lauren there , but Chelsea started laughing like crazy . I didn 't know why she was laughing so much , but she explained that Lee Won was in love with Lauren . Lucas asked how she knew this , and she said that Lee Won told her ages ago . The only reason he never did anything was because of his parents and knowing that I also liked her . I didn 't know how to respond to this as I always kinda guessed that Lee Won liked her as well . I kept quiet throughout most of the discussion until Lucas started to bring up how he wanted to bang Charlotte . He didn 't just stop at her , but he started rating and ranting about every girl he has met since the band started . He started with Lauren , who he gave a B + . He said she had nice tits and a great face , but her ass lacked . Gave my Mom and Lee 's Mom a B , Bae Lee an A - , and finally gave Charlotte an A + . Chelsea commented on how he thought me and her already had a thing , but Lucas interrupted and already asked Charlotte that . She said that me and her had nothing going on at the moment , and we were just old friends . He asked me if it would be okay if he asked her out , and I told him he could do whatever he wanted . He did a pumping fist and swore to the heavens that if she said yes , that he would fuck her at the mightiest speed he could dream of . This was the cue for Chelsea to flip him off and take my bed for the night . Lucas slept in his chair , and I slept on the floor with an extra pillow and blanket . My phone rang an hour or two after I fell asleep , and it was Lee Won . When we started talking , he didn 't sound the usual carefree self that he usually was when we talked . He was serious , to the point , and didn 't have any real pep in his tone . I asked what was wrong , and he told me that he needed my permission . For the few first seconds , I wanted to scream into the phone , tell him to fuck off , get away from her , and then die , but I couldn 't do that . It was obvious now that he liked her the same way I did . He didn 't want Tony gone because of the things he saw in the van . He wanted him gone the same reason I wanted him gone . It all made sense . Then he hung up . It was really weird , but I guess that is what happens after you hang out with a guy nonstop for almost two to three months straight . Still , I couldn 't shake the image of Lee Won and Lauren having sex , so I went to the kitchen to get some cereal . She answered , sounding happy that was me , and told me that everyone was fine . She was in her dorm at the girl academy , and Takeshi was steaming mad at being attacked by Lee Won . I wanted to know how Lee Won 's sister felt , and Charlotte said that she was fine and sided with Takeshi on the issue . It was her decision to who she wanted to be with , so her brother could stay out of it . Getting fed up with all of the shit that I went through tonight , I asked if she wanted to come to my house tomorrow and jam a little with our guitars . She agreed to meet me at 4 : 00 PM , gave her address to my house , and we were all set . She told me she had to get to bed before the floor advisers caught her , and she wished me a good night . He freaked out , falling out of his chair with his pants half down , and Chelsea woke up from all the commotion . She asked what the hell was going on , and Lucas said that he was sleep walking . She sighed , turned her back to us , and went back to sleep . I woke up after that hectic Wednesday with the biggest headache you could imagine . I was laying in the kitchen , my legs atop my dinner table and my head across a seat pillow . I was awoken by my Mom , plying her hands to my body and telling me that my friends had already left , and I would be late for my class at 9 : 45 if I slept in any longer . I got ready for school , took a quick shower ( freezing cold ) , and threw on the cleanest clothes that I could find . I took a long walk to class , most of the time usually driven by Lee Won , but I didn 't want to bother him after what transpired last night . I was pretty sure he wouldn 't be at school today . Tony demanded to know why the fuck Lauren still wouldn 't pick up his calls , and why he wasn 't asked to be at practices anymore . I told him that it was simple : he was a douchebag , we didn 't want him , and Lauren thought he was a jerk . Pissing him off even more , the hipster clinched his hand into a fist , but was too pussy to actually throw it . For the 567th time , he yelled at me that he would have his revenge and shook his fist angrily while I walked away . The rest of the day was uneventful with Lee Won not showing up at school , and Lauren was also nowhere to be found . The two of them must be driving in Nebraska at the moment , trying to run away from everything like a bad romance novel , and have wild sex during the night . The only person I saw all day besides Tony that I knew was Lucas . Lucas , still shaken up from having to crawl around and actually walk after I ignored him last night , was pissed at me for forgetting him . I said that I didn 't hear him , but he had to explain to me how he had to get Chelsea to help him up and how awkward it was . We got to my house , and Lucas started chatting it up with my Mom like usual . Asking her if she had any food to eat or if she would make him anything , and I could only wonder how Lucas ' Mom could handle him all these years . My Mom , not being a bitch , was nice to him , told him she would make him a sandwich , and would bring it up to my room when done . Twenty minutes after helping him get up my stairs , we started to talk about his favorite topic : women . He told me about this hot new girl that came into his class today and how she sat next to him . Zoning out , I only heard bits and pieces of the story after that . I did catch the part where he said her tits were like gigantic magical orbs , though . Next was a few hours of Lucas eating many sandwiches , talking about more girls , and how hot my Mom 's rack was . Finally , my Mom came up to my room and said that I had a girl visitor . I told her I would be down in a second , and Lucas demanded to know what girl visitor this was . I said I would tell him later , started to leave , and his wheelchair perused me . Knowing that he would never actually come down the stairs because of how much work that would be , I closed the door behind me and locked him in . He would be too lazy after a while to care and start looking around my room for porn magazines . Charlotte was waiting for me downstairs , my Mom giving me a thumbs up from the kitchen and winking at me . She wasn 't all dolled up today like she was usually . She wore regular clothes ; dark blue jeans , a red shirt with some writing on it , and red rimmed glasses . I took her to the garage where she had her guitar in hand , and we started to play . She asked what the loud yelling sound from upstairs was , and I told her it was just one of my Mom 's boyfriends looking for drugs . She laughed , not really concentrating on what she was playing . She was obviously better at playing guitar than me . I tried to keep up , but next to her , I was a beginner . I could see why her band was semi - professional and why ours was a gigantic orgy of sound and yelling . After jamming a little , I quit because I couldn 't even keep up with her anymore and told her that I would get some drinks . When I went out to get the drinks , though , I saw Lucas crawling down the stairs with his gigantic hands pulling him . I yelled what the fuck he was doing , and he demanded to know what girl was in my house . The obese African American wouldn 't stop his rampage down my stairs , and I asked him if he could please stop . He stuck out his tongue and told me that if we were friends , he would share the girl that I was hiding . I shook my head , took the two orange sodas I got from the fridge , and walked back to the garage . The quiet was broken when a shrieking sound came from behind the door and it opened to a flailing Lucas . He had gotten down the stairs somehow , walked across the hallway , and somehow had enough energy to get to the garage without his wheelchair . He pointed at me and screamed ' AHA ! ' and then flopped down on the floor with no more adrenaline . Charlotte stared at Lucas , asking if he was okay , and I told her that he would be fine after a while . We helped him onto the couch , and he was glaring daggers at me . To him , it must seem like I was trying to move on the girl that he wanted date . I closed my eyes for a few minutes , trying to get his voice out of my head , and when I opened them again , he was asking her out on a date . Couldn 't he wait until I was out of the room to ask her out ? Oh well , I listened on what her answer would be . Lucas acted like he got shot , falling off the couch , and hitting the floor again . She said that she was flattered , but she saw Lucas like a friend . He started to whine , saying how he was sick of being seen as a friend , and asked if I could go get his wheelchair so he could go home . Being socially weird with girls wasn 't great . For the last few hours , me and her had done anything but talk about our feelings . We played video games and talked about music , and then we finally settled on sitting on the bed and holding hands . Very , very strange . When she left , my Mom came up and said that she seemed like a very kind girl . I told her thanks for her approval and asked if she was going out on another date tonight . She said she was , and it was one of my professors . I cringed , not wanting to know who it was , and closed my door . I fell to sleep that night better than the night before . Possibly because I didn 't have nasty images like Lucas masturbating in my head . Ugh . Woke up , took a shower , and was off to school . My cellphone rang when I got out the house and it was Lee Won . Surprising , I didn 't think I would hear from him for a while . I picked it up and asked where he was . He told me that him and Lauren were at the river down near the huge department store and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out . I said we had school , but he told me to skip it and come down there . Nothing better to do for the day , I told him I would be there and walked towards my destination . When I got there , the van was parked next to a tree and the two of them were sprawled out on the ground . I went up to them , asking what the fuck they were doing there , and Lee Won said that they wanted to get away . I asked where the hell were they yesterday , and Lee told me that the two of them were just driving around and looking at things . I didn 't know what was going on , but he really didn 't seem himself . I sat down next to him , and Lauren gave me a friendly wave . I waved back , but she looked totally out of it and tired . Lee exclaimed that him and Lauren were thinking about heading out of town and traveling throughout the state for a little while . Maybe they could hit up Los Angeles , see how the city was . I wondered where this sudden change of heart came in , and I asked him how the band would go if the two of them weren 't there . " Do we even have a band , Leon ? " he asked , resting his head atop of Lauren 's stomach now . He honestly looked like he hadn 't slept for weeks . His nose had tape over , probably keeping it together since they didn 't go to a hospital . Did we really have a band ? We had three gigs , so I guess that would count as a band , but were we really that good ? No , we weren 't , but I thought we were having fun . " Yeah , we do have a band , and you two can 't go . " I said , picking up the confidence to tell him that their idea was stupid . I knew they wanted to run away , but the whole idea had no point to it . Lee Won went on about how there was no reason to stay here . His family was crazy , and they would never approve of anything he did . His sister was off being a whore with a guy he hated , and he said that he couldn 't stand looking at her anymore . He wanted to get away . She said that she would follow Lee Won everywhere . Ever since her family broke apart , she had nowhere to go . Her Dad is always out drinking , and she said her Step Mom hated her and wanted her dead . She even added in that her Step Mom once tried to cut her with a knife because she wouldn 't get out of the living room . I didn 't know what to do . They were dead set on leaving this place , and I couldn 't really argue . What the hell were we doing ? We were fucking losers . We all failed high school , and we were now stuck at some second - rate community college while everyone else is going on and doing something with there life . The only reason I made the stupid band in the first place was to meet new friends . I did that . The mission was accomplished . Too bad that the best friend friend I made out of the whole deal was now wanting to go away forever and live his life as some town hopper . I had no argument on why shouldn 't go except to what Lee 's family would think of him stealing their van . He said that they had a few , and they wouldn 't care if he took one . He said that he had money in his college fund that he was never going to use now , and he and Lauren were going to see where the road took them . The two of them got up , telling me they were going to leave right this second and only came back so he could say goodbye . Lauren gave me a hug before departing into the van , wishing me all the happiness in the world . This left me and Lee Won , near the river , the depressing water hitting against the rocks . " I hope you have a good time with her . I guess you two like each other , right ? " I knew they wanted to be together , but I really wanted to hear it from his mouth . " No , it 's totally fine . I want you happy . You 're more important than she 'll ever be . " I said to him . It was true . Without Lee Won , I wouldn 't have survived any of this . He was a great friend through and through . " I can 't . My Mom would freak . If I wasn 't there to look over her , she would die from taking too much sleeping pills . You two do what you like . I 'll always be here . " With that , he basically tackled me and gave me the most heartfelt hug that someone has ever given me . Even my Mom never gave that much care into hugging me before . When he was done , he wiped a few tears from his eyes , and gave one last high five to me . Humans go off their impulses . One second a person can be happy with their life , and the other second they want to be anywhere else but at the place they 're at . Because of the impulse that the two of them had , my band looked to be dead . It had been a week and not one call from either of them . The closest thing I got a call from Lee Won and Lauren was from Lee Won 's Mom , wanting to know if I knew where he was . I told her that I hadn 't seen her , trusting he would tell her where he went when they contacted again , and wished her luck in finding him . The last week was the most boring week in the last few months of fun and playing music . With those two gone , it was down to me , Lucas , and Chelsea . One of them , Chelsea , was now hanging out with Aaron most of the time and becoming the groupie of Charlotte 's group . Lucas still came over , but he was still mad over the day where he found me and Charlotte together . Since that day , me and her hadn 't really talked that much . She would call me one day , and I would call her the next . I would ask how she was , and she said she was gone . I would wish her luck on her band , and she wished me luck on mine . I 'm guessing she knew that my band was dead now , but I don 't think she wanted to make me feel even worse . School moved slow as ever now . With no one to talk to , I missed most of my scheduled classes and spent my days on the computer playing useless games and typing to people on message boards . This continued until something actually happened on a Friday afternoon . I was sitting in class , minding my own business , spaced out to the world , when someone sat next to me in the middle of a lecture . Of course I knew it was Tony , his highlighted lime green fedora tipping him off even before I fully turned around . He whispered to meet him after class near the stairs by the library , and I told him that I would . I asked what he wanted , and he told me that he would get me back . I didn 't know what he was getting at , so I continued pushing on what he was getting at . He told me who the hell made all those coincidental happenings occur ? Takeshi just coincidentally being together with Lee Won 's sister at the exact moment the two of them met up after years of not seeing each other ? He explained that him , Takeshi , and Aaron were all friends from middle school . Aaron and him had a falling out over a girl at the end of their 8th year , but him and Takeshi kept close . When I screwed up his relationship with Lauren , he didn 't leave like everyone wanted and just blended into the background with all the other messes going on . The two of them formed a plan . Takeshi would knock on Bae Lee 's door , apologize for cheating on her , get her back , and then bring her to the group hangout that he and Aaron created to have a good night out . Aaron didn 't know what the purpose of the whole night was , but Takeshi and Tony had it all planned out . Lee Won would see Takeshi with his sister , snap , and couldn 't handle that his perfect sister was getting felt up by a guy he hated . I grabbed him by the neck of his shitty checkerboard collar and pushed him against the gray wall of the stairs . His laughter was gone , and he said I was too big of a puss to actually throw a punch , so I caught him in the nose with a right hand . Tony 's head whipped back against the hard concrete wall and then flipped forever , dazed out of his mind . I didn 't stop , though . I could have , but I let out all my frustration and anger out on Tony . I continued punching and punching until my fists felt like they were raw meet after tenderizing them . Finally , a stray student from one of my classes came over and pulled me off of him . His face was covered in blood , and I still couldn 't contain my massive frustration . Life was so useless . I was stuck in a cycle of useless tasks . Every day I would go to class , and I would continue to work until I got enough good grades to get into a four year college . After I got into the four year college , I would work hard until I got enough good grades to graduate with honors . Next , I would go into the work world and have to bust my pass until I got the promotion I wanted . It was all a gigantic mountain that I didn 't want to bother with . The band , even if it wasn 't the greatest , at least kept my mind off everything . I didn 't think of these things when I was playing my terrible chords with Lee Won . I didn 't have to think about my Mom having sex with a new random guy from Europe every time I was playing my music . When I got home , I sat down on my bed and stared at the wall blankly ; even though Tony was the biggest prick I ever met , he was right . I was a pussy . I only punched him because I had a week of anger filled up inside me . If Lee Won and Lauren were still around , I would have called the librarian down from the building to call the police on Tony . That was how big of a loser I was . It was now or never , really . I showed up at Charlotte 's front door step , the night sky creeping over the blue sky , and she was wondering I called her randomly . She was back from her academy for the next few days because of the three day weekend , and this was my best chance of doing anything with her . If I let the opportunity go away , there would be none after this point . The reason I never got with Lauren was because I didn 't have the guts to stand up and tell her I liked her . Even at that moment , I never really told her I really felt . Charlotte wanted to know why I got her out of the shower , and I questioned if her parents were home . She said that they were out of town like usual on a trip , and I kissed her on the lips . Weirdly , when I got my first kiss , it wasn 't as spectacular as I thought it would be . It was great , sure , her lips tasted like blueberry , and her body motion told me that she liked it , but there wasn 't any fireworks . The whole myth about your first kiss being amazing and life changing was a load of bull , but I didn 't have enough time for that . I didn 't ask if I could take off her shirt , but I did . Going through the motions , we landed in her kitchen where she had her dinner running in the oven . I quietly asked if she wanted to stop and eat first , but she told me I sounded like an idiot and forced my pants off . Having sex in her kitchen was . . . good ? I don 't know how it was supposed to feel , but I could that neither of us had never tried this before . I was atop of her , pushing my hands down on her marble floor , and thrusting my hips back and forth like I had no idea what to do . She said that it was incredible and amazing . That she always liked me in school . That she always wished that I asked her out on a date , but she was too shy to ever do anything with me . It all ran through my head , and I understood what she was saying , but it really didn 't connect . I liked Charlotte . I really , really did . I thought she was a great girl . I just had my first kiss , make out session , and sexual encounter with her in the matter of two hours . Thing was , everything felt empty . My first time doing all those things were useless . In the end , I really didn 't have strong romantic feelings for her . She was a friend . A good friend , but the only thing I had in my mind when I orgasmed was the picture of Lauren . Me and Charlotte talked the whole night about our past and future . We talked about how my band ended and wanted to know if I wanted to join hers . She said that Takeshi wasn 't as bad as a guy I thought he was , and he was just misunderstand . She said that her and Takeshi had become great friends , and all I could think of was how I missed Lee Won and where he was at that moment with the girl I loved . I slept in the same bed as her that night , but I knew it was over . My time here was all over . For the last twenty years of my life , all I ever wanted to do was have a girlfriend and get sex . I got both . I had a girl who seemed to actually enjoy my company , and I didn 't have the same feelings back . What the fuck was wrong with me ? That night , around 4 : 00 AM , I got out of her bed and threw my clothes back on . I sneaked out before she could catch me , and I walked home with the morning sun rising above me . I went home , looked at my Mom sprawled on the couch with her old boyfriend Rodrigo , and I could only help but smile . I sat down in my Dad 's old chair that my Mom didn 't let anyone sit in since he died in a drinking accident years back , and I watched the two of them sleeping peacefully together . This might sound strange , but it was a pleasant sight for me . I liked to see my Mom happy . She might have changed after what happened to my Dad , but she never lost her smile and did what made her happy . Lucas came rumbling in on his wheelchair , a gigantic bag of food in his hand . He looked happier than the last time I saw him , and I apologized about the Charlotte thing . He said it was alright , and he knew that him and Charlotte would have never worked . Chelsea was accompanied by Aaron . Apparently the two of them were now together , and Aaron apologized for the whole mess up with Takeshi . I said it was fine , and Chelsea wanted to know why he called the two of them here today . Chelsea asked if I was going to go find where Lee Won and Lauren were and stay with them , but I said I wouldn 't do that . I needed to start anew . I thanked Lucas and Chelsea for the best months of my life , and I wouldn 't have realized how much my life needed changing if they never showed me . I told my Mother a few hours after they left , and she cried even more than Lucas did . She threatened to kill herself if I went , but I told her that I had to do this for my own good . I was going to go to a bigger community college about three hours from where I lived now , and I had enough money that my Dad left me to support myself for a few months until I found a suitable job . When I said that I had to go , she asked where I was going to stay . I told her I had no idea and that it didn 't really matter . I would have to survive in the real world and that was the whole matter . I left her crying in the big muscular arms of her Spanish ex - boyfriend , and I headed towards the bus stop that would take me where I wanted to go . Charlotte called me when I was close to the bus stop , hearing from Aaron that I was leaving . She called me every curse word in the book , and I deserved it . I apologized , said that it was my fault , and hung up . I had to accept that I couldn 't always make people happy , and I wouldn 't have done any good with Charlotte . Me and her would have dated for a few years . I would never truly be into her , and we would finally fall apart when we went to different colleges . She might hate me now , but it was better to hate me now than in a few years when we could have had something that could have never lasted . Not a very exciting ending , but that is how everything came to a close . My band was a failure . The friends that I had come close to were now gone from my life . The one girl I loved was now somewhere probably in Korea having sex with my best friend . The one girl that did want me now hated me for being the biggest jerk on the face of the planet . While sitting in the bus , looking at the people beside me and just blending into the surroundings , I felt good . I felt like I was safe . With my two bags of clothes in one hand , and a bag of random crap like my laptop in the other , I felt like I was making the right decision . Maybe I could really change . A year has passed since then , and I am now working at a local karaoke bar by my apartment . It 's a horrible place that smells constantly like beer , sweat , and piss rolled into one , but I get paid good money for cleaning it up . My apartment is a one room apartment that can only fit the essentials , but I was happy living in my contained space . I went to college after the summer , and I knew no one there . For the first time in my life , I had no idea who any of the people were , and they didn 't know who I was . I didn 't walk in and become the most popular person , but I began to get more and more friends . I talk to my old friends from time to time . Lucas is still at my old community college , and he is still rolling along with horrible grades . The good thing is that he finally got a girlfriend . Bae Lee , Lee Won 's sister , had a huge fight with Takeshi , it seems , and Lucas was hanging out with them , Aaron and Chelsea when it happened . Takeshi tried to actually punch his own girlfriend , Lucas stepped in , and jumped out of his chair . Chelsea said that he showed the most energy that he had ever seen Lucas give , and Takeshi was begging for Aaron to pull Lucas off when it was all over . Bae Lee was wooed by his strongman capabilities , and they started dating shortly after . From time to time , he 'll send me a picture of her in the shower , or her in bra and panties , texting me that she was all his . He would never change . Charlotte , still mad at me a year later , was starting to give up on being pissed . We talked often , me still saying sorry for what I did , and she would respond by calling me the worst one night stand ever . She wasn 't dating anymore from what I heard , and I hope that one day me and her could become good friends . Finally , Lee Won and Lauren . The last time I got any information from them was a few months ago in a text message that Lee Won sent me . They had gone farther than the Los Angeles trip , and he said that they were now in New York . Lee Won was actually sporting a beard , and he and Lauren were giving a peace sign in the picture . He told me that we would see each other soon , and he was happy to hear that I decided to move out on my own . And that 's about it . That covers the whole end of my story . All the puzzle pieces were put together , and everything sorta worked out in the end . That was lots of fun . Again , sorry if my writing didn 't seem perfect . I basically wrote down every part and then posted . I didn 't edit or proofread anything I wrote . I thought it would be more spontaneous that way . Being twenty , living at home with my single Mom that does pills every night and sleeps for cash , no girlfriend ( never had one ) , and basically no money , there 's nothing to do . All I have is my computer , video games , and my community college that sucks . I don 't have the grades to go somewhere nice , and I 'm too poor to run away . Being a pretty boring person , I need something . Anything . I finally decided that I would do the one thing that makes every person cool , even if that person sucks at it : creating a rock band . The first was some hipster kid with a fedora on . I asked him what he played , and he said he plays a keytar . I ask what the fuck that is , and he pulls out a keyboard that looks like a guitar out of his case . He starts playing , and he 's good , but I still can 't shake the feeling that he 's a gigantic faggot . Second and third were too girls who liked to sing . One was some black chick who just liked singing the same way Beyonce did and added in horrible dance moves . The other girl was some country chick from Oklahoma that sung like shit , but she was hot , so I picked her over the other chick . Fourth was Lucas . Lucas is probably 400 pounds , black , and rides around in a wheelchair . He plays the drums , and he is fucking amazing . With his wheelchair , I don 't even have to get a seat for him to sit down on while playing . Finally , a Korean kid , Lee Won , showed up . Wearing a South Korea soccer jersey , he took out a guitar and started to play Canon Rock . He wasn 't even fucking trying , but he was fucking amazing . He can 't speak English that well at all , and he looked more like a girl than the chick trying to be Beyonce , but the guy knew how to play guitar . So at the end of the day , I had my band . Tony , the hipster keytar player . Chelsea , the Spears wannabe singer . Lucas , the wheelchair bound African drums player . Lauren , the depressing chick who doesn 't wear a bra . And finally , Lee Won , the Korean who can play guitar like a God . Sleeping around , etc . My Mother is a slut . She 's not a terrible Mom , and she 's not mean , but she 's been really flaky since my Dad left her for some Swedish transfer teacher . Anyways , after that day , we started practicing every day . The Spears wannabe didn 't show up for the first two practices , so we had the others try and sing . Lucas couldn 't sing at all , Tony and Lauren sounded like they were trying to do a cover of My Chemical Romance , but Lee Won , again , was pretty good . You couldn 't really understand the fuck he was saying because he was mixing in Korean and English , but he had a nice voice . We got into a fight , she wanted to quit , but Lucas stepped in ( . . . rolled in ) and told us all to stop acting like faggots . Tony was off to the side smoking some weed , and Lee Won was reading manga on my couch . Lauren was sitting by herself on a chair I brought from my room and was staring at everyone back and forth like she was about to explode from anxiety . We kept practicing for a few weeks , and we became closer as a band . We started thinking of songs , mostly me , and we were finally hitting a groove . Chelsea was fine with being the back up singer to our Korean superstar , and the others were having fun with it all . She hugged me , and fuck , she smelled good . Like strawberries and sweat mixed together into a totally sweet combo . She then walks off and gets in Lee Won 's van that he took from his parents restaurant . Alright , so we finished our first gig , and we all went back to college that week and took a week off of practicing because of mid - terms . I was studying like crazy to get good grades , and since I suck at anything school related , Lauren told me that she would help me . Seeing as she was getting straight A 's in everything , she helped me out while we worked on music at our house . Chelsea brought her boyfriend , a guy who looked like he was a forty , and he had the balding hair to prove it . They just went off in the corner and made out while we were all working , and Lee Won went around and helped everyone with our math . He would come over to whoever was having trouble , take our pen , make a few swipes , and he would show us how to do it . Lauren helped everyone with our Literature course , and Lucas brought us food . We all had a fun time , and we were ready for the tests in the upcoming days . Since the weekend was coming up , I asked Lauren if she wanted to go to Six Flags . She said that she would love to , and then she asked Lucas because he was right by us . Lucas then asked Lee Won , and Lee Won asked Tony who asked Chelsea who asked her boyfriend who brought some old people with him for some damn reason . We get to Six Flags in the Won Mobile ( except Chelsea , her boyfriend , and his posse ) and all start to go around and do all the shit we can find . Seeing as Lucas can 't ride on the roller coasters , him and Tony went off to go play games . Me , seeing that as the most fun , first went to go out try X2 with Lee Won and Lauren . Things then got kinda got awkward . Seeing as there is only two people per seat on the ride , and there was three of us , one of us had to get left out . We all looked at each other , and Lee Won said he would go with some random person and let us two go together . I gave him a high five behind Lauren 's back , and he gave me a thumbs up . We ate our food and then went to go play games with Tony and Lucas . We all played that game where you have to shoot the target until the thing goes into the air and hits the top , so we all went at it at once . Lucas somehow won , gave the gigantic teddy bear to Lauren , and she gave him a kiss on the cheek . I raged on the inside , but I let it slide seeing as I didn 't think of Lucas as a competitor for her heart . The rest of the day was a bunch of rides and games . The most memorable thing could probably be the 3 - Point Challenge thing the park was running . Alright , OP here , I think I 'm going to bed . Let me talk about the mid - terms really quickly . After the Six Flags weekend , we all did pretty well on the mid - terms . Lauren aced everything , Lucas got average grades , Tony got above average , Lee Won did well , Chelsea didn 't fail , and I got above average . Then one day , while practicing , Lucas came rolling in and said that he got us a gig . We asked if it was for his sister 's birthday , and he told us that it was a real deal . The near by high school needed a band for its Valentines Dance , and the band they had totally flaked out on them . Lucas ' Dad works there , so he told Lucas and got us the gig . I have to intercept everyone , bring them to the garage , and get ready there . I 'm no going to say I 'm ashamed of my Mother , but . . . never mind , I am very ashamed of her . We all get ready , throw our shit in the Won Mobile , and we 're on our way to the high school . We get ready and start heading inside when a few girls come over to van and start chatting up Tony . Tony , wearing some horrible looking black and white striped tuxedo with a hat to match , starts to chat with them and then bails for a few minutes to go wherever they wanted him to go . Lucas says he 'll go roll after him , but I tell him that I 'll go . We get inside and almost no one is there . The teacher supervisors are all inside and not giving a shit about the party outside . The only kids inside seem to be the preppy kids and the nerds that wouldn 't ever do drugs or drink alcohol . The set is finished , and a few kids clap . A few kids danced , some told us that we did a good job , and that was it . We had finished our second gig , and it was a big improvement over the last one , I guess . Tony explains to us since we 're done playing , he 's going to go outside and find a girl named Sara . Lucas tells me to fuck off and to carry all the shit I made him carry before , and he follows after Tony . Chelsea gets on her cellphone right away and calls up her boyfriend , ignoring all of us . Before I can yell for help , Lee rushes over to her and headbutts the guy in the chest and then punches him in the face . I then yell for help , and people rush over to check out what happened . We explain the situation , and we say that the guy has drugs on him . Okay , friends went home already , so I can continue . Let 's see , after the Valentines Night Dance , we all said we would take a few days to settle our heads before practicing again . Me and Lee Won were at my house , doing some homework when my cell began to ring . It was Lauren . Lauren wanted to thank me for being a great help , and she says that her family is proud of her for doing something productive instead of sitting around the house all day . She questioned me to see if me and her could meet later on that night at a local book store , and I couldn 't contain my happiness . I told her I would be there in an hour , and I hung up . Lee Won gave me a pounding of the fist and asked if I had ever been on a date before . Seeing as I was twenty , it was weird telling him that I had actually never been out with a girl alone before . He told me that he hadn 't either , and he was 19 - years - old . I was shocked , knowing how great the guy was , but he then added in that his Mom thought women in America were demons and would rape him . I laughed , and Lee said that he didn 't like it . He felt like an outsider when most of his friends talked about trying to get girls back in high school , and he knew that if he asked out a girl that his Mom would beat his head in . His Dad , on the other hand , wanted Lee to fuck every girl he saw , but his Mom wore the pants in his family , so Lee Won was out of luck . Lee told me to have a great time and to get Lauren . He added that I was a good guy , and he knew that Lauren liked me the same way I liked her . I don 't know why , but I gave him a hug , and while the silence broke in , I ran out of the room without looking back . She was at the book store when I got her , and she was sitting down at the counter where they served coffee . I asked her what she was reading , and she told me it was just the newspaper from the school we performed at . They called us the ' College Dropout Robots 9000 ' for some fucking reason , probably Lucas , but it also said that we were an upcoming band , so that felt nice ; even though that piece of writing was probably from some 14 - year - old kid that didn 't even listen to us . We started talking about how much fun it has been to have so many people around , and she thanked me again for being always there for me . She looked me in the eye , smiled , and gave me a gigantic hug . I melted in my seat , and if I died right there , it would have been fucking awesome . My first intimate hug from a girl that wasn 't part of my family , and it was soft , warm , and her body smelled like strawberries without the sweat this time . The last time she hugged me was different . This time it meant something . Of course , my best friend . It had to be the guy who I actually liked , but at least he was a good guy . At least it was Lee Won . Tony ? Hipster Tony ? The guy who makes out with under age girls Tony ? Guy who ruined our performance almost by snorting coke at the lunch tables with loser high school rejects ? Everything after that was a blur of her talking about how hot and perfect he was . How she LOVED his style . How she LOVED his fucking keytar playing . When she came to give me a hug to leave , I hugged her and felt nothing but my heart breaking even more . Ah fuck it , I 'll tell more tonight . The last part was weird , so I want to clear some things up . First off , Lee Won and me aren 't the same person . I want to kill that before everyone theories that . Just really similar names ( well , his first name is Lee and last name is Won ) . He asked me if he found out about Lauren liking Tony , and I flipped out . He fucking knew ? Then why the hell didn 't he tell me this before ? He told me that he wanted me to have confidence and not feel like shit going , and Lee Won thought she would like me the same if I had some confidence . His confidence busting failed , and I felt like shit . He told me that Lauren told him the night of the Valentines Day Dance , and how she was really jealous of him going after those young teenage girls . She asked him what she should do to get Tony , and Lee Won told her that Tony seemed kinda of a free spirit and probably couldn 't be tied down by one girl . He then said she responded by saying that it was her goal to tame him or some dominatrix shit like that . On Monday we had class , and me and Lee Won hung out during free period to become strategical and find a way to make myself appealing to her . We thought maybe that I should change my style to what Tony wore , but we agreed that becoming like him would be too much money and be a waste of time . Lucas came over in his chair forty minutes later and asked what was up , saying he heard about Tony and Lauren . We ask him how the hell he found that out , and he told us that Lauren came to him last night on the phone , asking how to get Tony . I raged inside , Lee tried not to laugh at all of her attempts , and Lucas said to go up to Tony , show her breasts , and ask him for sex . I was about to hit the fucking 500 pound wheelchair bastard , but Lee stopped me and said that he was just joking . He wasn 't , but I was calmed down by that point . I call a band meeting after school at my place and everyone shows up , including Tony and Lauren . I tell them that we 'll probably be booking our new gig soon , so we should start practicing . We all agree to do an instant practice session , and we begin . An hour or two later , Tony says he has to leave and bolts , Lauren following behind him . Lauren had her hands on his trashy suit that he was wearing , and I could hear the words , ' I like you ' over the silence that overcame me . My heart dropped , again , and I felt like shit . . . again . Tony took her arms , pressed his hands around her waist , grabbing her ass in the process , and started to make out with her in my kitchen . I sigh , tell Lee Won let 's go back , and we do . We go back to the garage and hang out with Chelsea and Lucas who are talking about some shitty new television show on VH1 or some stupid crap . I sit down on the rundown couch I have in the corner and put my heads in my face . I felt like crying , but I couldn 't feel any water come out of my eyes . Chelsea asked me what was wrong , but I just told her that I hit my head when walking to the bathroom . She sat next to me and apologized randomly for always bringing her outside friends to practices and outings we have . I told her it was fine , and we shared . . . a moment . . . somewhat . Done with school paper , so I can update . Let 's see , I left off where Lauren and Tony became a couple . This sent a little ripple through our group when Lauren called everyone in the group and started to explode about how happy she was . We wanted to go out and do something as a group , but my Mom saw us all come out from the garage and insisted we spent the night meeting her new man . The game lasted until 12 : 00 AM when Rodrigo finally got drunk enough to start groping my mother in front of my friends . She said that she should get him to bed , and the two of them went upstairs with his hand up her shirt . Chelsea told me that if I wanted , me and her could go out on a date and see if I liked her as much as she liked me , but I declined . Told her that she was just joking with me , and I walked away before she could say anything else to me . I went down to push Lucas off his chair and force him to walk to his car while Chelsea 's eyes burned in the back of my skull . Tony and Lauren wouldn 't get away from each other . Every time I looked at one of them , the other was there . I asked Lee if he could ask Tony to see if he really liked Lauren and wasn 't just doing it for sex , and Lee Won complied by getting Tony alone after practice before he went off with his new girlfriend . Lee came back , telling me that Tony said that he really loved Lauren , and I wanted to punch something . The guy was such a douche , and if Lauren wouldn 't quit from it , I would have kicked him out of my band . He didn 't add anything to the band , anymore . Then it hit me on the head . He never signed up for my band because he wanted to play music . He signed up so that he could get high , get paid , and have sex with women . . . Dammit , it was really like he was a rock star . Two days before the performance , Lee Won came to me with an idea . He told me that he had an idea to get Lauren and Tony to break up and leave her to me . I didn 't know why he was so mad at Tony , but then he added that he found Tony and Lauren in his van . . . doing stuff , and he had to explain to his parents why his van smelled the way it did . We had a day before our third gig at some annoying little bitch 's party , so me and him tried to brainstorm ideas to make Lauren see how big of a douche he really was . I suggested getting a local dealer at our school to show up at the gig , get him to talk to Tony , and call the police while Tony was doing lines on the asphalt . Lee said it was too risky , and we didn 't really want him to go to jail . With all three of us in a room , we asked why he wanted Tony out of the group . He said Tony never paid him back the $ 20 that he owed him , and he wanted him dead . Lucas then brought up the idea that we should get Lauren to see how he really is when he isn 't acting so perfectly cool and deep . The next night rolled by , and we were a few hours away of going on . We got to the party early and there wasn 't a lot of people there . The girl that was throwing the party didn 't even talk to us , making out with her boyfriend on her couch while Fresh Prince of Bel - Air played in the background . Lee asked Tony if him and Lauren were really close , and he said they were . This went on for a little while until Lucas got the second phase of the plan going . We asked Chelsea to take Lauren to the market to get some stuff while this was going on so it wouldn 't be interrupted . We watched as she seduced him , move away from the crowd and take out some joints for the two of them to share , and we then reached the third part of the phase . When Melissa said that they should make out in the ' cool rock band van ' , the last part came . Lee was already hiding in the front seat , camera phone in hand , silently taking pictures while the two wrestled their tongues . She then yelled at him to get the fuck away , and I told him that it would be best if he left . With Lauren now hating the guy , I wouldn 't feel bad about deleting his number and forgetting what a keytar was . When I went to console Lauren , though , she was already hugging and crying into Lee 's shoulder , so I sulked off and got ready to play . I guess I would talk to her later . Without our keyboard player , we got ready to play our third gig that could possibly be our worst and last . The party was getting into full swing when we started to play , but we were more shitty than usual . Lauren didn 't even try ; Lee didn 't play like he usually does ; the main mic levels were too high , so Chelsea 's screeching voice was awful as hell ; Lucas was fine , like always , but even he couldn 't help my paranoid mind while playing the guitar . When we were done , no one clapped , and everyone went back to what we were doing . I didn 't want to lug all the shit back to the van so soon , so I looked for a place where I could get a drink . Before I could do that , though , the girl throwing the party came up to me and told me that I have to hurry my shit . Asked her why , and she said another band was coming to play . The real band . There was only three of them . They showed up in a better looking van than theirs , and they had a few friends who weren 't in the band to help them set up . There were two guys ; one of them had long blond bangs in his eyes and the hipster thing going on like Tony did . The other guy was Asian , like Lee , but was Japanese and had some of those stylish glasses that everyone has these days with the thick rims . Finally , the singer , was someone I recognized even if she was wearing a ton of makeup , glasses , and one of those Gothic Lolita dresses , Charlotte Daniels . She went to my high school , and we were in the same classes for throughout all four years . Me and her were never really friends , but we always got partnered because we were the quiet nerdy kids and no one wanted to be partners with us . Even with her new look , she had those braces that I remembered . We talked about how it was weird seeing each other after two years , and I promised I would watch her set . She got taken away finally by their Japanese singer , and Lee glared at him while the Japanese guy glared back . They wouldn 't get along . Her band 's name was Lucky Thirteen Clover , and her band mates names were Aaron and Takeshi . They played a few songs , and she was playing guitar . Lee commented every few minutes on how Takeshi 's voice was shitty , and Lucas commented every few minutes on how he was trying to see and guess what color panties Charlotte was wearing . I told her we would meet her at the Denny 's near the highway , and they bolted off before we did . Lucas didn 't mind , talking about how tight Charlotte 's ass looked in the outfit and undergarments she was wearing . I asked Lee Won if he knew the Takeshi guy , and he told me he did . The two of them used to be on a soccer team together in middle school . It all started when the two of them both wanted to be the forward on the team . They were both , by far , the best on the team , he said , and they both wanted to be the star who scored the most goals . The coach finally picked Takeshi to be the forward , making Lee Won the goalie , and the two got into a fight in their first game after two minutes into the game . He also added that he thinks Japan is an evil country that deserves to be destroyed . I apologized , said that we could cancel , but he told me that it would be rude and that we should at least go for a little while . We showed up at Denny 's , and we walked in with there only being maybe seven or so people in there . A few were alone , looking high out of there mind , and one or two couples that were making out in booths . Charlotte called us over , and we all sat down at the back booth that had the most space . On one side was my band , and the other side was their band . It was like a battle was about to start between Lee and Takeshi even before someone said anything . Takeshi excused himself to the bathroom a minute or two after we sat down , and we all started to open and talk . Aaron seemed like a nice enough guy , saying that he heard of our band from our high school gig and said that he heard good things . I was happy that he wasn 't as big as a douche and a faggot than Tony was . Lucas focused on Charlotte , asking her question , diving into the deep questions after only knowing her for ten minutes . He asked if she had a boyfriend , and Aaron started to laugh his ass off . I asked him what was funny , and he said that Charlotte was the biggest lesbian he knew . She then hit him , said that she just hasn 't found the right guy , and then told Lucas that she never had the opportunity to have one . Back in school , she got picked on a lot . While I was the kid that sat in the corner and was ignored by everyone , she got cornered by the popular girls and picked on for her braces , looks , and clothes . She looked different now , and her fashion was much different , but she still seemed as nice as ever . When we worked on projects , she was always friendly and good to work with . We got along well . Lucas then delved deeper with Charlotte , asking if she liked what kind of chocolate she liked . She didn 't really get what he was getting at , so she said dark chocolate . As she fell into his trap , Lucas pressed his hands against his body and told her that he was enough dark chocolate to fill her forever . Me , Aaron , and even the brooding Takeshi all laughed , and Charlotte had a look on her face like she didn 't get the joke . She told Lucas that he was cute and that spurred him on more . For the next hour , during pancakes , soda , and watching Takeshi and Lee take turns going to the bathroom , he continued to ask her sexual questions and flirt with her . Finally , we were done , and it was around 5 : 00 AM in the morning . We all had a good time except for our two Asians , and we split the bill . While Takeshi and Lee both ran away from the table and to the vans , Lucas and Aaron started to chat about music and girls . Charlotte pulled me back as the others started to get out of the place , and she thanked me for a great night out . She then asked if I could have my cell phone number , and I told her that she could call me any time . She stood there for a few seconds after I gave my phone number , but I didn 't know what to do . We stood there awkwardly for twenty seconds before I gave her a high five on the shoulder and turned away . I said goodbye and ran off before I killed myself with a salt shaker . The morning after meeting up with Charlotte and her band , me , Lucas , and Lee Won spent the whole night in my room talking , not getting any sleep at all . All Lucas wanted to talk about was how Charlotte was supposedly fucking him in his black ass with her piercing eyes . Lee Won only talked about Takeshi , saying how he was a better soccer player than him and that Takeshi only got the forward spot because the coach was Japanese . He said that if the two of them ever got locked in a room together , Lee Won would take his guitar and bash it over Takeshi 's head repeatedly . I didn 't really talk about anything , but my mind was focused on Lauren and Charlotte . For one , neither probably liked me . Lauren thought of me as a brother , and I couldn 't imagine how she would change her thoughts from brother to boyfriend so quickly after leaving Tony . Charlotte , on the other hand , at least to him , saw him as at least a friend . At least she didn 't randomly tell him after asking for his number that she thought of him as her long lost brother or some shit . School on Monday was weird . I walked into my first class , and as usual , I was alone in the corner with no one really to talk to . Then , out of nowhere , Tony sat down beside me and slammed his hand on my desk . He told me what the fuck was with those pictures going to Lauren and how she wouldn 't take any of his calls . I wasn 't really afraid of Tony . He looked like he spent all of his days picking out his clothes and trying to look like he was deep . I would be surprised if he could throw a single punch correctly . Not to say that I was a good fighter , but I did take karate for a few years and did know a thing or two . I just didn 't like to fgiht . The rest of the day was basically free period after free period , and me and Lee Won met in the library to talk about Lauren . She hadn 't called me since the gig , but Lee Won told me that she called him five times yesterday and three times during his class . I asked him why she was calling him and not me , and he shrugged and said that maybe she didn 't want to bother me with her crying . Fuck , what a lost cause . If she considers me her brother at least , she could give me a ring and cry about how big of an asshole Tony is ; we could of bonded over that fact . Instead she goes to Lee Won , and she 'll probably ignore me until band practice when she has to be nice . We tried to talk more about her , but Lee Won was still raging over Takeshi . ' He is such a faggot . He always hugged our teammates after he scored a goal . He must be gay ' , he told me , putting on an angry face that I had only seen twice in the time I knew him . I said to forget all the shit about the Japanese guy , but he wouldn 't get off it . This transitioned into talking about Charlotte , and how Lee Won knew she liked me . I asked him how the hell he would know that , but all he did was lean back in his chair , give me a confident look , and say , ' I know she wants you . ' Lucas showed up during lunch , and we all ate together . He told me that I had a hot as fuck Mom , and I told him thank you like it was a compliment . I told him that she was like twenty years older than him and dating someone , but Lucas made me throw away my lunch after saying that her tits were the perfect size . Lee Won laughed at his descriptions of my Mom , happy to not be talking about Takeshi . When it was time to go , Lee Won was going to give a lift to his house to hang out . We 've never been to his house , so I was excited to see how his family was like . While walking to the Won Mobile , we saw Aaron also walking to his car in the parking lot . Not knowing he went to our school , we said hey and he said hey back . He told me that Charlotte wouldn 't shut up about us yesterday and that we should hang out on the free day we had coming up on Wednesday . Lee Won asked if Takeshi would be coming , and Aaron said that Takeshi couldn 't stop talking about Lee Won either . Lucas laughed at Lee Won , patted him on the back , and I told Aaron I would call to make plans with everyone . Lee Won had a pissed off look all the way to his gigantic house that his parents owned . He grunted about how much of a jackass Takeshi was and how big of a faggot that he was supposedly . His parents were super nice . They both were around the same age my Mom was , and they asked if we wanted food or a drink right when we walked through the door . Of course Lucas wanted something , asking if he could have the biggest thing they had to eat . Lee 's Mom laughed , gave him a hug , and said that he was a charming young boy . This then resulted in Lucas going off with Lee 's Mom with me and Lee going up to his room . His room was covered in South Korea soccer posters , soccer trophies , and a flag of South Korea on his wall . He had two beds in his room , and I asked if that was a guest bed or something . He said no , that his twin sister sleeps with him in this room . Twin sister ? Yeah , he told me that his twin sister went to a private girl academy about ten miles from his house and that she slept in his room on weekends and holidays . I asked what her name was , and he said her name was Bae Won Lee or some crazy mixed up name like that . He said that she was a lot like him , played music and all that , but was more into the piano and trumpet . Lee pointed over to her wall of trophies that was beside Lee Won 's , and how she had bunch of trophies for music and softball . Throughout eating , Lucas said how nice Lee 's Mom ass was and how he wouldn 't mind sticking something in it . Lee laughed it off and didn 't take any offense , telling him that his father would slice his head off if even tried touching her . This made Lucas shut up a little , focusing back on his food . Needless to say , I had a bit of trouble actually sleeping . I only had a half hour anyways , so why fall asleep ? It wasn 't like I had friends in this class to wake me up , and I 'm sure that Tony McCool would make sure no one did . I glanced at the clock , class would start in about 7 minutes but the professor wasn 't here yet . I heard the door open , and some asshole was talking so loud I thought he might have been yodeling . I thought it might have been some asshat talking to the professor as they often did and being loud about it , I was wrong . It was Tony and his hipster crew . I kept my head down and tried not to start any kind of confrontation . I could see him through the crack of my elbows , he was wearing a lime green tie , his fedora , a suit , and drinking a Starbucks drink . it still had the insulation paper crap around it , so I imagined that it was still scalding hot . I lost sight of him eventually , and was half asleep . Piping hot fucking magma raced down my hair , face , head , and down my shirt . At least that 's what it felt like . I immediately SCREAMED a manly roar , it was almost load enough to squelch the classroom 's laughter . I looked up and saw just was I was half expecting , Tony looking down with his fucking hipster smirk and an open coffee cup . Wednesday rolled by and it was time for the group date . . . thing . I don 't know what really to call it . It was my band and Charlotte 's band meeting at a bowling alley for a night of fun . I called Aaron and asked if he wanted to practice together , but he said that we should forget about music for one night and go bowling . So me , Lauren , Lee Won , Lucas , and Chelsea all get into the van to go the bowling alley , and we 're again , all gossiping about the other band . Lauren and Chelsea never met them , so they ask Lucas how they are . He says they 're nice and the Charlotte is a hot piece of work , and Chelsea responds by asking if any of the guys are hot . Lee Won adds in after that by saying that he doesn 't know if they 're hot , but he surely knows one of them is gay . We get to the bowling alley , and Charlotte , Aaron , and Takeshi are already there with a few other people . We ask who they are , and Charlotte says they 're friends of Takeshi and Aaron . Aaron is with some guy friends of his , and Takeshi is in a school uniform , looking like he just got out , with an Asian girl with him . Before I can ask where to pay for our shoes , Lee Won pushes me out of the way and gets into Takeshi 's face . The girl that Takeshi is with is wearing a school outfit as well , and I purely guessed from his reaction that must be Lee Won 's twin sister . After looking at her , it did make sense , except her hair had red highlights in them , and she wore orange glasses . Lee Won had hold of Takeshi 's short , Bae Lee had a hold of Lee Won 's shirt , and Takeshi had his hands in the air like he didn 't do anything wrong . I commented to everyone that the girl Takeshi with was Lee Won 's twin sister , and Aaron said that was why Takeshi was talking about someone called Lee all the time . It made sense . Finally , Lauren and Bae pulled Lee Won off of Takeshi before he punched him in the face and moved him as far away as Takeshi as possible . I wanted to go talk to him , but Lauren took his hand and took him outside before I could . Takeshi was laughing at the interaction he just had , probably knowing that he was with Lee Won 's sister . This pissed me off , making myself confront him . I asked if he knew that he was with Lee Won 's sister , away from the whole group , and he said he did know . He apparently went to the boys academy right by school Bae Lee went to , and they met during a school concert they had at the start of the year . He told me that he wasn 't with her to piss off Lee Won and didn 't even remember who he was until the gig at the party a few days back . Bae Lee introduced herself to me , and I said hello back to her . She asked if I was Leon , and I told her I was . The girl then told me on how her brother always raved about me and how I was such a good friend . She thanked me because Lee Won used not to be as cheery as he is now , and she thinks that starting the band made him open up more . I told her that it was no problem , and I left her to Takeshi . Aaron and Chelsea were already at one of the duo seats situated by the bowling lanes , and Lucas was chatting it up with Charlotte . I never understood the term group date until that moment . There were nine of us there , and they had all split into doubles except me . I continued eating my fries until someone plopped down next to me , Charlotte . She told me that Lucas was trying to teach her how to bowl in his wheelchair , but one of the workers there saw him and started yelling . Lucas was now preoccupied by having an argument about how he couldn 't walk , but the worker there was trying to tell him he couldn 't just bowl in a wheelchair and how it was against the bowling alley rules . We talked about the old days and how we were the biggest losers in class . I asked her why she changed her look , and she said she was sick of always being whiny and complaining on why no one liked her . She changed her look , her habits , and tried to change for the better . I told her that she looked great , and I think she blushed , but the dimming in the alley was too dark to actually tell . I asked her how her band got together , and she explained . She went to the same girl academy that Lee Won 's sister went to , and her and Takeshi met during the same concert that they met Bae Lee . They started talking afterward , Charlotte and Takeshi wanted to start a band , but Bae was too shy to actually be in it . This led to the two of them looking for a third member , and Takeshi called up his old friend , Aaron , and that is how it all began . They tried to get Lee Won 's sister in the band forever , but she said that being in a band wasn 't for her . She was much more comfortable when there were fifty people with her instead of her being in the spotlight . She asked why I started my band , and I said I wanted to change just like her . She asked if I 've changed , and I replied that I don 't know really if I changed at all . Charlotte added that I was always a great guy in high school and that I was great now , putting her hand on my knee while I chomped onto a french fry . Things were going great until Lucas showed up . Lucas just didn 't show up , he broke through everyone in the food place like they were ants . He must have knocked down three people with his wheelchair while getting to me and Charlotte . He was screaming something , but I couldn 't hear him until he got closer . He told me that something was going on outside , and we followed . When we got outside , everyone was trying to stop what was going on . Lee Won was atop of Takeshi , screaming at the top of his lungs , and punching him in the face . His sister tried to pull him off , but he wouldn 't stop . I ran over to where he was , got him off of him with Lauren , Charlotte , and Bae behind me , and told him to stop it before someone called the police . When I pulled him off , this gave a chance for Takeshi to compose himself and get away from Aaron who was holding him back . He punched Lee Won in the face as hard as he could , probably breaking his nose in the process , and stormed off into the night while pulling Bae Lee 's hand with him . Aaron stalked after them to see if they were alright , and Charlotte apologized again and again hurriedly . That was it . The four of them left the alley at that second , not looking back or coming back once . Lee 's nose was bleeding like a fountain , and Lauren was trying to stop the bleeding by using her shirt as pressure . Lee Won 's eyes were cold . He honestly didn 't look like Lee Won at all . He was sitting on the ground , knees to his chest , and his hands clinched into a fighting position . Lauren continued to help him , and Chelsea was talking to Lucas about what we should do . That night was spent with me , Lucas , and Chelsea along with my Mom and some 30 - something - year - old guy that I never met before . He was nice , but the rest of us got into my room before my Mom made us play scrabble with them . The only good thing about my Mother sleeping around and usually being drunk was that she didn 't care if I had a girl sleep in my room . . . or in my bed . . . Really , I could be having sex in front of my Mom , and she would probably pat my head and say I was doing a good job . Chelsea told me how much of a gentleman Aaron was and how cute he looked in his clothes . I asked her what about her 60 - year - old boyfriend , and she told me they broke up ages ago . Said that he was too old for her , and he wasn 't fun after the first few trips on his boat . Lucas was afraid for Lee Won , thinking he might do something stupid after what happened . I asked how the fight started , and Chelsea said that his sister and Takeshi were making out in the parking lot . Lauren and Lee Won were talking on the steps , and Lee Won saw what was going on . He went crazy , attacked Takeshi , and the two started fighting . That 's when Lucas got me and everything else happened . Lucas added he might not want Lauren there , but Chelsea started laughing like crazy . I didn 't know why she was laughing so much , but she explained that Lee Won was in love with Lauren . Lucas asked how she knew this , and she said that Lee Won told her ages ago . The only reason he never did anything was because of his parents and knowing that I also liked her . I didn 't know how to respond to this as I always kinda guessed that Lee Won liked her as well . I kept quiet throughout most of the discussion until Lucas started to bring up how he wanted to bang Charlotte . He didn 't just stop at her , but he started rating and ranting about every girl he has met since the band started . He started with Lauren , who he gave a B + . He said she had nice tits and a great face , but her ass lacked . Gave my Mom and Lee 's Mom a B , Bae Lee an A - , and finally gave Charlotte an A + . Chelsea commented on how he thought me and her already had a thing , but Lucas interrupted and already asked Charlotte that . She said that me and her had nothing going on at the moment , and we were just old friends . He asked me if it would be okay if he asked her out , and I told him he could do whatever he wanted . He did a pumping fist and swore to the heavens that if she said yes , that he would fuck her at the mightiest speed he could dream of . This was the cue for Chelsea to flip him off and take my bed for the night . Lucas slept in his chair , and I slept on the floor with an extra pillow and blanket . My phone rang an hour or two after I fell asleep , and it was Lee Won . When we started talking , he didn 't sound the usual carefree self that he usually was when we talked . He was serious , to the point , and didn 't have any real pep in his tone . I asked what was wrong , and he told me that he needed my permission . For the few first seconds , I wanted to scream into the phone , tell him to fuck off , get away from her , and then die , but I couldn 't do that . It was obvious now that he liked her the same way I did . He didn 't want Tony gone because of the things he saw in the van . He wanted him gone the same reason I wanted him gone . It all made sense . Then he hung up . It was really weird , but I guess that is what happens after you hang out with a guy nonstop for almost two to three months straight . Still , I couldn 't shake the image of Lee Won and Lauren having sex , so I went to the kitchen to get some cereal . She answered , sounding happy that was me , and told me that everyone was fine . She was in her dorm at the girl academy , and Takeshi was steaming mad at being attacked by Lee Won . I wanted to know how Lee Won 's sister felt , and Charlotte said that she was fine and sided with Takeshi on the issue . It was her decision to who she wanted to be with , so her brother could stay out of it . Getting fed up with all of the shit that I went through tonight , I asked if she wanted to come to my house tomorrow and jam a little with our guitars . She agreed to meet me at 4 : 00 PM , gave her address to my house , and we were all set . She told me she had to get to bed before the floor advisers caught her , and she wished me a good night . He freaked out , falling out of his chair with his pants half down , and Chelsea woke up from all the commotion . She asked what the hell was going on , and Lucas said that he was sleep walking . She sighed , turned her back to us , and went back to sleep . I woke up after that hectic Wednesday with the biggest headache you could imagine . I was laying in the kitchen , my legs atop my dinner table and my head across a seat pillow . I was awoken by my Mom , plying her hands to my body and telling me that my friends had already left , and I would be late for my class at 9 : 45 if I slept in any longer . I got ready for school , took a quick shower ( freezing cold ) , and threw on the cleanest clothes that I could find . I took a long walk to class , most of the time usually driven by Lee Won , but I didn 't want to bother him after what transpired last night . I was pretty sure he wouldn 't be at school today . Tony demanded to know why the fuck Lauren still wouldn 't pick up his calls , and why he wasn 't asked to be at practices anymore . I told him that it was simple : he was a douchebag , we didn 't want him , and Lauren thought he was a jerk . Pissing him off even more , the hipster clinched his hand into a fist , but was too pussy to actually throw it . For the 567th time , he yelled at me that he would have his revenge and shook his fist angrily while I walked away . The rest of the day was uneventful with Lee Won not showing up at school , and Lauren was also nowhere to be found . The two of them must be driving in Nebraska at the moment , trying to run away from everything like a bad romance novel , and have wild sex during the night . The only person I saw all day besides Tony that I knew was Lucas . Lucas , still shaken up from having to crawl around and actually walk after I ignored him last night , was pissed at me for forgetting him . I said that I didn 't hear him , but he had to explain to me how he had to get Chelsea to help him up and how awkward it was . We got to my house , and Lucas started chatting it up with my Mom like usual . Asking her if she had any food to eat or if she would make him anything , and I could only wonder how Lucas ' Mom could handle him all these years . My Mom , not being a bitch , was nice to him , told him she would make him a sandwich , and would bring it up to my room when done . Twenty minutes after helping him get up my stairs , we started to talk about his favorite topic : women . He told me about this hot new girl that came into his class today and how she sat next to him . Zoning out , I only heard bits and pieces of the story after that . I did catch the part where he said her tits were like gigantic magical orbs , though . Next was a few hours of Lucas eating many sandwiches , talking about more girls , and how hot my Mom 's rack was . Finally , my Mom came up to my room and said that I had a girl visitor . I told her I would be down in a second , and Lucas demanded to know what girl visitor this was . I said I would tell him later , started to leave , and his wheelchair perused me . Knowing that he would never actually come down the stairs because of how much work that would be , I closed the door behind me and locked him in . He would be too lazy after a while to care and start looking around my room for porn magazines . Charlotte was waiting for me downstairs , my Mom giving me a thumbs up from the kitchen and winking at me . She wasn 't all dolled up today like she was usually . She wore regular clothes ; dark blue jeans , a red shirt with some writing on it , and red rimmed glasses . I took her to the garage where she had her guitar in hand , and we started to play . She asked what the loud yelling sound from upstairs was , and I told her it was just one of my Mom 's boyfriends looking for drugs . She laughed , not really concentrating on what she was playing . She was obviously better at playing guitar than me . I tried to keep up , but next to her , I was a beginner . I could see why her band was semi - professional and why ours was a gigantic orgy of sound and yelling . After jamming a little , I quit because I couldn 't even keep up with her anymore and told her that I would get some drinks . When I went out to get the drinks , though , I saw Lucas crawling down the stairs with his gigantic hands pulling him . I yelled what the fuck he was doing , and he demanded to know what girl was in my house . The obese African American wouldn 't stop his rampage down my stairs , and I asked him if he could please stop . He stuck out his tongue and told me that if we were friends , he would share the girl that I was hiding . I shook my head , took the two orange sodas I got from the fridge , and walked back to the garage . The quiet was broken when a shrieking sound came from behind the door and it opened to a flailing Lucas . He had gotten down the stairs somehow , walked across the hallway , and somehow had enough energy to get to the garage without his wheelchair . He pointed at me and screamed ' AHA ! ' and then flopped down on the floor with no more adrenaline . Charlotte stared at Lucas , asking if he was okay , and I told her that he would be fine after a while . We helped him onto the couch , and he was glaring daggers at me . To him , it must seem like I was trying to move on the girl that he wanted date . I closed my eyes for a few minutes , trying to get his voice out of my head , and when I opened them again , he was asking her out on a date . Couldn 't he wait until I was out of the room to ask her out ? Oh well , I listened on what her answer would be . Lucas acted like he got shot , falling off the couch , and hitting the floor again . She said that she was flattered , but she saw Lucas like a friend . He started to whine , saying how he was sick of being seen as a friend , and asked if I could go get his wheelchair so he could go home . Being socially weird with girls wasn 't great . For the last few hours , me and her had done anything but talk about our feelings . We played video games and talked about music , and then we finally settled on sitting on the bed and holding hands . Very , very strange . When she left , my Mom came up and said that she seemed like a very kind girl . I told her thanks for her approval and asked if she was going out on another date tonight . She said she was , and it was one of my professors . I cringed , not wanting to know who it was , and closed my door . I fell to sleep that night better than the night before . Possibly because I didn 't have nasty images like Lucas masturbating in my head . Ugh . Woke up , took a shower , and was off to school . My cellphone rang when I got out the house and it was Lee Won . Surprising , I didn 't think I would hear from him for a while . I picked it up and asked where he was . He told me that him and Lauren were at the river down near the huge department store and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out . I said we had school , but he told me to skip it and come down there . Nothing better to do for the day , I told him I would be there and walked towards my destination . When I got there , the van was parked next to a tree and the two of them were sprawled out on the ground . I went up to them , asking what the fuck they were doing there , and Lee Won said that they wanted to get away . I asked where the hell were they yesterday , and Lee told me that the two of them were just driving around and looking at things . I didn 't know what was going on , but he really didn 't seem himself . I sat down next to him , and Lauren gave me a friendly wave . I waved back , but she looked totally out of it and tired . Lee exclaimed that him and Lauren were thinking about heading out of town and traveling throughout the state for a little while . Maybe they could hit up Los Angeles , see how the city was . I wondered where this sudden change of heart came in , and I asked him how the band would go if the two of them weren 't there . " Do we even have a band , Leon ? " he asked , resting his head atop of Lauren 's stomach now . He honestly looked like he hadn 't slept for weeks . His nose had tape over , probably keeping it together since they didn 't go to a hospital . Did we really have a band ? We had three gigs , so I guess that would count as a band , but were we really that good ? No , we weren 't , but I thought we were having fun . " Yeah , we do have a band , and you two can 't go . " I said , picking up the confidence to tell him that their idea was stupid . I knew they wanted to run away , but the whole idea had no point to it . Lee Won went on about how there was no reason to stay here . His family was crazy , and they would never approve of anything he did . His sister was off being a whore with a guy he hated , and he said that he couldn 't stand looking at her anymore . He wanted to get away . She said that she would follow Lee Won everywhere . Ever since her family broke apart , she had nowhere to go . Her Dad is always out drinking , and she said her Step Mom hated her and wanted her dead . She even added in that her Step Mom once tried to cut her with a knife because she wouldn 't get out of the living room . I didn 't know what to do . They were dead set on leaving this place , and I couldn 't really argue . What the hell were we doing ? We were fucking losers . We all failed high school , and we were now stuck at some second - rate community college while everyone else is going on and doing something with there life . The only reason I made the stupid band in the first place was to meet new friends . I did that . The mission was accomplished . Too bad that the best friend friend I made out of the whole deal was now wanting to go away forever and live his life as some town hopper . I had no argument on why shouldn 't go except to what Lee 's family would think of him stealing their van . He said that they had a few , and they wouldn 't care if he took one . He said that he had money in his college fund that he was never going to use now , and he and Lauren were going to see where the road took them . The two of them got up , telling me they were going to leave right this second and only came back so he could say goodbye . Lauren gave me a hug before departing into the van , wishing me all the happiness in the world . This left me and Lee Won , near the river , the depressing water hitting against the rocks . " I hope you have a good time with her . I guess you two like each other , right ? " I knew they wanted to be together , but I really wanted to hear it from his mouth . " No , it 's totally fine . I want you happy . You 're more important than she 'll ever be . " I said to him . It was true . Without Lee Won , I wouldn 't have survived any of this . He was a great friend through and through . " I can 't . My Mom would freak . If I wasn 't there to look over her , she would die from taking too much sleeping pills . You two do what you like . I 'll always be here . " With that , he basically tackled me and gave me the most heartfelt hug that someone has ever given me . Even my Mom never gave that much care into hugging me before . When he was done , he wiped a few tears from his eyes , and gave one last high five to me . Humans go off their impulses . One second a person can be happy with their life , and the other second they want to be anywhere else but at the place they 're at . Because of the impulse that the two of them had , my band looked to be dead . It had been a week and not one call from either of them . The closest thing I got a call from Lee Won and Lauren was from Lee Won 's Mom , wanting to know if I knew where he was . I told her that I hadn 't seen her , trusting he would tell her where he went when they contacted again , and wished her luck in finding him . The last week was the most boring week in the last few months of fun and playing music . With those two gone , it was down to me , Lucas , and Chelsea . One of them , Chelsea , was now hanging out with Aaron most of the time and becoming the groupie of Charlotte 's group . Lucas still came over , but he was still mad over the day where he found me and Charlotte together . Since that day , me and her hadn 't really talked that much . She would call me one day , and I would call her the next . I would ask how she was , and she said she was gone . I would wish her luck on her band , and she wished me luck on mine . I 'm guessing she knew that my band was dead now , but I don 't think she wanted to make me feel even worse . School moved slow as ever now . With no one to talk to , I missed most of my scheduled classes and spent my days on the computer playing useless games and typing to people on message boards . This continued until something actually happened on a Friday afternoon . I was sitting in class , minding my own business , spaced out to the world , when someone sat next to me in the middle of a lecture . Of course I knew it was Tony , his highlighted lime green fedora tipping him off even before I fully turned around . He whispered to meet him after class near the stairs by the library , and I told him that I would . I asked what he wanted , and he told me that he would get me back . I didn 't know what he was getting at , so I continued pushing on what he was getting at . He told me who the hell made all those coincidental happenings occur ? Takeshi just coincidentally being together with Lee Won 's sister at the exact moment the two of them met up after years of not seeing each other ? He explained that him , Takeshi , and Aaron were all friends from middle school . Aaron and him had a falling out over a girl at the end of their 8th year , but him and Takeshi kept close . When I screwed up his relationship with Lauren , he didn 't leave like everyone wanted and just blended into the background with all the other messes going on . The two of them formed a plan . Takeshi would knock on Bae Lee 's door , apologize for cheating on her , get her back , and then bring her to the group hangout that he and Aaron created to have a good night out . Aaron didn 't know what the purpose of the whole night was , but Takeshi and Tony had it all planned out . Lee Won would see Takeshi with his sister , snap , and couldn 't handle that his perfect sister was getting felt up by a guy he hated . I grabbed him by the neck of his shitty checkerboard collar and pushed him against the gray wall of the stairs . His laughter was gone , and he said I was too big of a puss to actually throw a punch , so I caught him in the nose with a right hand . Tony 's head whipped back against the hard concrete wall and then flipped forever , dazed out of his mind . I didn 't stop , though . I could have , but I let out all my frustration and anger out on Tony . I continued punching and punching until my fists felt like they were raw meet after tenderizing them . Finally , a stray student from one of my classes came over and pulled me off of him . His face was covered in blood , and I still couldn 't contain my massive frustration . Life was so useless . I was stuck in a cycle of useless tasks . Every day I would go to class , and I would continue to work until I got enough good grades to get into a four year college . After I got into the four year college , I would work hard until I got enough good grades to graduate with honors . Next , I would go into the work world and have to bust my pass until I got the promotion I wanted . It was all a gigantic mountain that I didn 't want to bother with . The band , even if it wasn 't the greatest , at least kept my mind off everything . I didn 't think of these things when I was playing my terrible chords with Lee Won . I didn 't have to think about my Mom having sex with a new random guy from Europe every time I was playing my music . When I got home , I sat down on my bed and stared at the wall blankly ; even though Tony was the biggest prick I ever met , he was right . I was a pussy . I only punched him because I had a week of anger filled up inside me . If Lee Won and Lauren were still around , I would have called the librarian down from the building to call the police on Tony . That was how big of a loser I was . It was now or never , really . I showed up at Charlotte 's front door step , the night sky creeping over the blue sky , and she was wondering I called her randomly . She was back from her academy for the next few days because of the three day weekend , and this was my best chance of doing anything with her . If I let the opportunity go away , there would be none after this point . The reason I never got with Lauren was because I didn 't have the guts to stand up and tell her I liked her . Even at that moment , I never really told her I really felt . Charlotte wanted to know why I got her out of the shower , and I questioned if her parents were home . She said that they were out of town like usual on a trip , and I kissed her on the lips . Weirdly , when I got my first kiss , it wasn 't as spectacular as I thought it would be . It was great , sure , her lips tasted like blueberry , and her body motion told me that she liked it , but there wasn 't any fireworks . The whole myth about your first kiss being amazing and life changing was a load of bull , but I didn 't have enough time for that . I didn 't ask if I could take off her shirt , but I did . Going through the motions , we landed in her kitchen where she had her dinner running in the oven . I quietly asked if she wanted to stop and eat first , but she told me I sounded like an idiot and forced my pants off . Having sex in her kitchen was . . . good ? I don 't know how it was supposed to feel , but I could that neither of us had never tried this before . I was atop of her , pushing my hands down on her marble floor , and thrusting my hips back and forth like I had no idea what to do . She said that it was incredible and amazing . That she always liked me in school . That she always wished that I asked her out on a date , but she was too shy to ever do anything with me . It all ran through my head , and I understood what she was saying , but it really didn 't connect . I liked Charlotte . I really , really did . I thought she was a great girl . I just had my first kiss , make out session , and sexual encounter with her in the matter of two hours . Thing was , everything felt empty . My first time doing all those things were useless . In the end , I really didn 't have strong romantic feelings for her . She was a friend . A good friend , but the only thing I had in my mind when I orgasmed was the picture of Lauren . Me and Charlotte talked the whole night about our past and future . We talked about how my band ended and wanted to know if I wanted to join hers . She said that Takeshi wasn 't as bad as a guy I thought he was , and he was just misunderstand . She said that her and Takeshi had become great friends , and all I could think of was how I missed Lee Won and where he was at that moment with the girl I loved . I slept in the same bed as her that night , but I knew it was over . My time here was all over . For the last twenty years of my life , all I ever wanted to do was have a girlfriend and get sex . I got both . I had a girl who seemed to actually enjoy my company , and I didn 't have the same feelings back . What the fuck was wrong with me ? That night , around 4 : 00 AM , I got out of her bed and threw my clothes back on . I sneaked out before she could catch me , and I walked home with the morning sun rising above me . I went home , looked at my Mom sprawled on the couch with her old boyfriend Rodrigo , and I could only help but smile . I sat down in my Dad 's old chair that my Mom didn 't let anyone sit in since he died in a drinking accident years back , and I watched the two of them sleeping peacefully together . This might sound strange , but it was a pleasant sight for me . I liked to see my Mom happy . She might have changed after what happened to my Dad , but she never lost her smile and did what made her happy . Lucas came rumbling in on his wheelchair , a gigantic bag of food in his hand . He looked happier than the last time I saw him , and I apologized about the Charlotte thing . He said it was alright , and he knew that him and Charlotte would have never worked . Chelsea was accompanied by Aaron . Apparently the two of them were now together , and Aaron apologized for the whole mess up with Takeshi . I said it was fine , and Chelsea wanted to know why he called the two of them here today . Chelsea asked if I was going to go find where Lee Won and Lauren were and stay with them , but I said I wouldn 't do that . I needed to start anew . I thanked Lucas and Chelsea for the best months of my life , and I wouldn 't have realized how much my life needed changing if they never showed me . I told my Mother a few hours after they left , and she cried even more than Lucas did . She threatened to kill herself if I went , but I told her that I had to do this for my own good . I was going to go to a bigger community college about three hours from where I lived now , and I had enough money that my Dad left me to support myself for a few months until I found a suitable job . When I said that I had to go , she asked where I was going to stay . I told her I had no idea and that it didn 't really matter . I would have to survive in the real world and that was the whole matter . I left her crying in the big muscular arms of her Spanish ex - boyfriend , and I headed towards the bus stop that would take me where I wanted to go . Charlotte called me when I was close to the bus stop , hearing from Aaron that I was leaving . She called me every curse word in the book , and I deserved it . I apologized , said that it was my fault , and hung up . I had to accept that I couldn 't always make people happy , and I wouldn 't have done any good with Charlotte . Me and her would have dated for a few years . I would never truly be into her , and we would finally fall apart when we went to different colleges . She might hate me now , but it was better to hate me now than in a few years when we could have had something that could have never lasted . Not a very exciting ending , but that is how everything came to a close . My band was a failure . The friends that I had come close to were now gone from my life . The one girl I loved was now somewhere probably in Korea having sex with my best friend . The one girl that did want me now hated me for being the biggest jerk on the face of the planet . While sitting in the bus , looking at the people beside me and just blending into the surroundings , I felt good . I felt like I was safe . With my two bags of clothes in one hand , and a bag of random crap like my laptop in the other , I felt like I was making the right decision . Maybe I could really change . A year has passed since then , and I am now working at a local karaoke bar by my apartment . It 's a horrible place that smells constantly like beer , sweat , and piss rolled into one , but I get paid good money for cleaning it up . My apartment is a one room apartment that can only fit the essentials , but I was happy living in my contained space . I went to college after the summer , and I knew no one there . For the first time in my life , I had no idea who any of the people were , and they didn 't know who I was . I didn 't walk in and become the most popular person , but I began to get more and more friends . I talk to my old friends from time to time . Lucas is still at my old community college , and he is still rolling along with horrible grades . The good thing is that he finally got a girlfriend . Bae Lee , Lee Won 's sister , had a huge fight with Takeshi , it seems , and Lucas was hanging out with them , Aaron and Chelsea when it happened . Takeshi tried to actually punch his own girlfriend , Lucas stepped in , and jumped out of his chair . Chelsea said that he showed the most energy that he had ever seen Lucas give , and Takeshi was begging for Aaron to pull Lucas off when it was all over . Bae Lee was wooed by his strongman capabilities , and they started dating shortly after . From time to time , he 'll send me a picture of her in the shower , or her in bra and panties , texting me that she was all his . He would never change . Charlotte , still mad at me a year later , was starting to give up on being pissed . We talked often , me still saying sorry for what I did , and she would respond by calling me the worst one night stand ever . She wasn 't dating anymore from what I heard , and I hope that one day me and her could become good friends . Finally , Lee Won and Lauren . The last time I got any information from them was a few months ago in a text message that Lee Won sent me . They had gone farther than the Los Angeles trip , and he said that they were now in New York . Lee Won was actually sporting a beard , and he and Lauren were giving a peace sign in the picture . He told me that we would see each other soon , and he was happy to hear that I decided to move out on my own . And that 's about it . That covers the whole end of my story . All the puzzle pieces were put together , and everything sorta worked out in the end . That was lots of fun . Again , sorry if my writing didn 't seem perfect . I basically wrote down every part and then posted . I didn 't edit or proofread anything I wrote . I thought it would be more spontaneous that way . |
5 Comments » When my kids were in their teens , they became followers of The Princess Bride cult ! They discovered the movie and watched it over and over and over again . We bought the VHS tape then the DVD . My daughter now owns it on Blu Ray . It got to the point where they could recite the dialog as the movie played . When they had friends over , they watched the movie . In the hundreds of times they watched it , I never sat down to watch it with them . I would me in ear shot and most of the time I could see them , especially when it was a mixed gender group of friends watching it , but I always gave them room and never sat down to watch it . Every time they watched it , I would remind myself to sit down and watch it some day when they were out of the house but it never happened . Then this weekend linkup was announced and I figured it was my chance to watch , at least I would have an excuse , and it is on Netflix so no money involved . Yay . So I watched it last week . Did I like it ? Well , I kept meaning to watch it again so I could write a good post about it but I guess I didn 't like it enough to watch it a second time . Why ? Well , something you don 't know about me is that I don 't find a lot of " humor " funny . I don 't like slapstick . I don 't like the ridiculous being passed as humor . I don 't like " jokes " about bodily functions . Yeah , I 'm kind of a dud that way . So I didn 't find a lot of humor in it . Yes , there was some humor that I thought was truly funny . And even though I grew up in the times of the women 's liberation movement and hated it , having been brought up in a very traditional hispanic family and believing that the woman 's place is indeed in the home and all that . Somehow along the way , from the 1970 's to now , I grew up and realized that I was wrong . So it kind of bothered me that it was all men made out to be the heroes and it also bothered me that Buttercup expected everything to be done for her as if she were a fragile flower . I didn 't like the " As you wish " attitude . What did I like ? I loved that it was a grandparent reading to a grandson . The family aspect of it was wonderful . The reading being passed on from one generation to another was very authentic to me . It showed the value of generations of a family interacting with one another and it showed how storytelling and reading are valuable . And even though the grandson was at the age where he did not at first value the reading or the grandfather , by then end , he valued both and looked forward to more visits from the grandfather and , presumably , more storytelling . I love storytelling and I have a lot of stories that I 've told my kids and students . I love how at first they aren 't too interested but as soon as the story gets going , they are hooked ! That part was very real to me . I 've had it happen . If I were rewriting it ( and I will admit that I have not read the book ) I would write it as the grandfather telling / reading the story to both a grandson and a granddaughter . I would write in some kind of dialog about the gender roles and maybe , by the end of the story , each of the grandchildren might see some valid points in the other one 's views . Oh , and I would clean up the language so it would be more understandable , a little more modern . I think that would add to the story . Will I watch it again ? Yeah . I will . Not sure when but maybe the next time we have a cold , rainy weekend and I don 't have grandchild duty , I 'll put it on and give it another look . Then maybe I will write about it once again . One of these memories is of when my mom went to the hospital " to bring home " my little sister . My brothers were at school . My sister and I didn 't go to school yet . My dad stayed home to take care of us . I remember sitting in the corner of the kitchen , out of the way , next to my sister , while my dad mopped the floor . He was cleaning as much as he could while my mom was gone so she would not have to do it when she got home . So he scrubbed the floor then waxed the floor while we sat and watched . He talked to us the whole time . When he was finished and the floor was dry , he moved the chairs back to the table and we sat as he baked cookies . We weren 't used to him baking or cooking but when he did do it , we knew there were be special sweetness to enjoy . He didn 't use a recipe . He just did what he remembered . He made little bite - sized cookies for us . They had anise in them and were covered with powdery sugar . They were delicious . My mouth waters for them when I remember . A few years later , I remember him making candy for us . He hammered a nail on the kitchen wall and when the candy was " cooked " and cool enough to touch , he hung the mixture on the nail and began to pull it into a long , thing rope , pulling over and over until it was just right . Then while it was still pliable , he cut it into little pieces , just big enough for our little mouths . It was delicious pulled taffy . He didn 't do that often but when he did , it was such a treat , not just the edible kind but the kind that made us look up to him with smile and sweet love and anticipation . When I was around nine years old ( around 1964 ) , my dad went to go see about a car he wanted to buy . We had a family car but he wanted to get a car for him to drive to work in so that the family car would " last longer " . Besides , he explained , my oldest brother would be driving in another year so it would be good to start looking for a car that he could drive to work so that my brother could drive my mom around town . She didn 't drive so when she had to go some place , she would walk . Sometimes that meant walking or riding the bus across town with sick kids in tow or sometimes it meant having to walk home from the doctor way after it was dark . My dad worked in a cannery so in the high season ( May through November ) he often had to work late into the night , until all the trucks coming in and going out had been unloaded and loaded . A few hours after he left , he came home with a new car . It was a little Volkswagen beetle . It was from being new . It needed paint . It had some bumps and bruises and the interior was well worn . He had gotten a good deal on it and it was very cheap on gas so he was happy . We all thought it was a great car . It was cute . It was new to us . It was different from anything we had ever driven in . We all ran out to the driveway to see the car and we all wanted to go for a ride . So we all piled in the car … all NINE of us . My youngest sister sat on my mom 's lap in the front seat and the other six of us sat on laps in the back seat . Off we went ! When we were only about two miles away from home my dad realized that the gas tank was almost empty . We had to get gas or we would end up walking home . Luckily , there was a small gas station a block away ( the Spartan gas station which was still standing the last time I was in town around six or so years ago ) . There was just one problem . My dad didn 't have any money on him and my mom had left without her purse so she had no money . My dad found about thirty - five cents in his pocket and my oldest brother had fifteen cents . Between the nine of us we managed to come up with something like 78 CENTS for gas . When the young man came to the window , my dad said he needed 78 cents of gas . Seeing the incredulous look on the kid 's face as he took in the back seat packed with kids sitting on each other , my dad added that the car wasn 't ours . We were just test driving it . The kid pumped the gas and cleaned the windows . My dad waved him away from checking the oil and said it was fine as he handed the young man the 78 cents for the gas . Taking the money , the kid looked at my dad and said , " Sir , I think maybe you should look for a bigger car . " My dad nodded and we drove off with a straight face . It was only when we drove out of the driveway that we all cracked up at the look on the kid 's face as he counted the nine bodies packed like sardines in the back of the little white Volkswagen beRead Full Post » I remember sitting for hours and hours as my mother untangled my hair every couple of days . There were four of us girls and she would line us up and we would take turns coming and sitting on our knees between my mom 's legs as she brushed out all of the tangles . Then when she finished , she would start again only this time it was putting our hair in curlers . She used to use large pink rollers for where our hair should have large curls then little ones for the smaller curls and finally pin curls ( using bobby pins ) for the tiny curls around our faces . We always had long hair and it took hours to take care of it but it was important to our mom that our hair be just right so she spent long hours making sure it looked perfect . One summer she put a Lilt home permanent in my hair because my hair was very fine and would not hold the curl for very long so she permed it . I remember the chemical smell of the product and how important my mom said it was to get the time perfect or my hair would burn . I didn 't want my hair to burn and I sat obediently , not making a sound or moving a finger , so that my hair would not burn . I think that 's what taught me to always have long hair . That 's the way I was raised . It was ladylike to have long hair , not short hair . In fact , all four of us sisters still have long , long hair , even though we are all in our late 50 's . That 's just the way we grew up . I think too that the importance of women having long hair is one of the reasons my mom took it really hard when she had to have chemo therapy last year . She dreaded losing her hair but she knew it was coming . When it did , she refused to leave the house . Even though I had bought her a number of pretty scarves and hats to cover up her baldness , she would not go out except to doctor appointments . She wanted a wig but she wanted it to look like her own hair because if it didn 't , people might think she was bald ! Go figure ! I offered to buy her a wig online and have it delivered to her but she was afraid it would not be right and then she would feel bad about returning a gift and she 'd keep it . So finally , I was able to go visit her . I had been going down to see her every couple of months but had not been there since before she lost her hair . When I got there , I made it a priority to take her to the next town over ( well , a few towns over ; it took an hour to get there ) to a shop I had found online and I had her fitted for a wig . She finally found one that she liked and the woman who worked there was wonderfully patient with her until my mom was happy with what she had found . She was like a new woman with that wig ! She was ready to go shopping and out to eat wearing her new wig ! I guess for us , maybe we 're like Samson . Our strength is in our hair . We keep it long to keep our strength . It doesn 't matter if it is almost completely gray . It 's the length that holds the key to our ladylike ways … to our strength . I think I was in fifth or sixth grade so probably around 11 years old . My brothers and sisters , even the younger ones , could do that thing where they fling a towel at something and make it snap . I couldn 't . That was only one of the many things I couldn 't do that everyone else could do . Whistling was another . I still can 't whistle to save my life . But on this one day , two of my brothers were determined to teach me how to fling that towel . They kept giving me lessons but I couldn 't quite do it . It was something about not being able to snap my wrist correctly . I kept trying . We were in the dining room and all of the sudden , I did it ! Yay ! Then there was a big " oops " ! I had hit a long hanging runner of my mother 's ivy plant that she had hanging on a planter on the wall . And yes , it had snapped off ! I began to get really nervous about getting in trouble . Then came the " oh no ! Oh no ! " My brothers kept saying it was okay . I should just pretend that I didn 't know anything about it . I should not confess like I had thought I should . They were adamant . I 'm not sure why . Perhaps it was because they were afraid they would get in trouble for teaching me to do that inside the house . I should have listened to them . I didn 't . When my mom came in the room about five minutes later , she asked what had happened to her plant and I apologized and explained that I had done and how it had happened . I should have listened to my brothers . She was mad . She slapped me and called me a few choice names . She was really angry . She didn 't usually spank us or yell at us like that but she was angry . Yeah , sometimes it 's best to listen to the voice of experience , even if it tells you to do something you don 't think is right . Actually , I 'm not to sure about that conclusion . I 've never been good at lying , either out and out lying or by omission so I 'm pretty sure I could not have pulled it off even if I had tried to listen to them . One year , when I was about to turn five , my parents put a miniature tree downstairs in the basement which had been converted into bedrooms for my three brothers . We had not ever had any kind tree , other than the big one we had in the living room and it made us feel that the small tree was really special … two trees in one house ! My mother helped us decorate the tree with tiny little ball ornaments . They didn 't put lights on it and it was kind of plain looking so my mom put some little packages she had wrapped up for us under the tree . I remember that the small presents , all wrapped in shiny paper , really made the tree look even more special to us kids . One weekend , a little over a week before Christmas , my mother and father went shopping . When they had been gone a while , my brothers started talking about the presents . They said we should each open one present . We all had to open one because , according to my brothers who were all older than my sisters and I , if we had all participated , none of us would tattle on the others and we wouldn 't get spanked . They said once we had each opened a present , they would wrap them all up so that my parents would never find out that we had opened them . It would be our secret . It took them a long time but they finally convinced us to do it . I was elected to be the first to open a package . I picked a shiny red one with a red and green plaid bow . Inside was a white box that now I recognize as one for jewelry but at that time I didn 't know what might be inside . I opened it and found a layer of white fluffy cotton . Once I picked up the cotton , I saw a gold shiny key . On the round end of the key were little pink flowers and clear rhinestones . I picked it up and realized it was a pin to wear on my clothes . Just as I began to smile , we heard the back door open and my parents came in . Before we could hide the evidence , my mother was down the stairs watching us try to hide the package . She was so angry ! She kept asking me why I had done it . I told her everyone was going to open one . In fact , my sister had her box in her hand , ready to open it . My brothers denied it and told her that they were trying to get me not to open one but I wouldn 't listen to them . Besides being angry , my mother was really hurt . I could see it in her eyes . She was disappointed in me and I knew she wanted to cry . The look in her face made me want to cry , or maybe it was knowing that I was going to be spanked ! Then she and my father said Santa was not going to bring me any presents because I had been such a bad girl . That was worse than a spanking . I cried even more . 3 Comments » Suicide is something I 'm not sure I will ever understand . Intellectually , I understand the whys of it , but emotionally , well that 's something altogether different . I 've known quite a few people who have chosen this exit path . All in all , there have been about fifteen to twenty suicides among friends and family . As a lot of my readers know , two of these have been my brothers . Each of these tragedies has left its mark . This week another friend also chose this route . It made me think of the first suicide I was aware of . The first time I encountered a suicide , I was about five years old . I think it was the summer before I began kindergarten . I didn 't know what it meant for someone to die but I knew it was a very sad thing . My father 's uncle had died a few months before and for the first time in my life , I had seen my father cry for the uncle who took his father 's place when his father ran off before my dad was born . My dad 's tears meant that dying was something horrible . So when my oldest brother , Carlos , came home and told my mom that his good friend Tommy had died and that he had killed himself , I knew the emotions ; I knew it was a very bad thing that had happened . I remember how my mother , who had been making tortillas for our dinner , turned absolutely white then had to sit in the chair at the table . She cried and cried and kept asking " Why ? Why ? What could be so bad in his life that he would kill himself ? Why ? " She kept asking Carlos if he was sure it was true . She sent my brother to Maio 's Market on the corner to get the evening paper . Later , when my dad got home from work , my mom , still shaking and having trouble keeping from crying , told him what had happened . They talked about how unbelievable it was ; how Tommy had always seemed to be such a happy - go - lucky kid ; how incredulous it was that he would take his own life . I remember how my mom took care of her kitchen radio after that . She always had before but after Tommy died , she took special care of it . She didn 't let anyone touch it and she refused to clean the greasy fingerprints that Tommy had left on it the last time he had been at our house . You see , my mom 's radio kept her company in the kitchen where she spent most of her day preparing meals or cleaning up after meals for her family of nine . She would sing along with the radio and listen to talk shows and the news on it . It was her lifeline to the world outside of our house . So when the radio broke , she was more than sad . My dad wasn 't able to fix it so she had no radio . When Tommy was over one day , he asked my mom why the radio wasn 't on . She told him it was broken . Tommy took it apart to fix it and he did ! My mom was very grateful and wanted to pay him but she had no money that day . Mom told Tommy that the next time he came over she would have a treat for him . He said it was okay , she didn 't have to pay him . He smiled at her through his black framed glasses , clearly proud of himself . Mom hugged Tommy and thanked him before he got on his bike and rode home . |
The place on the east coast which the reader is asked to consider is Seaburgh . It is not very different now from what I remember it to have been when I was a child . Marshes intersected by dykes to the south , recalling the early chapters of Great Expectations ; flat fields to the north , merging into heath ; heath , fir woods , and , above all , gorse , inland . A long sea - front and a street : behind that a spacious church of flint , with a broad , solid western tower and a peal of six bells . How well I remember their sound on a hot Sunday in August , as our party went slowly up the white , dusty slope of road towards them , for the church stands at the top of a short , steep incline . They rang with a flat clacking sort of sound on those hot days , but when the air was softer they were mellower too . The railway ran down to its little terminus farther along the same road . There was a gay white windmill just before you came to the station , and another down near the shingle at the south end the town , and yet others on higher ground to the north . There were cottages of bright red brick with slate roofs . . . but why do I encumber you with these commonplace details ? The fact is that they come crowding to the point of the pencil when it begins to write of Seaburgh . I should like to be sure that I had allowed the right ones to get on to the paper . But I forgot . I have not quite done with the word - painting business yet . Walk away from the sea and the town , pass the station , and turn up the road on the right . It is a sandy road , parallel with the railway , and if you follow it , it climbs to somewhat higher ground . On your left ( you are now going northward ) is heath , on your right ( the side towards the sea ) is a belt of old firs , wind - beaten , thick at the top , with the slope that old seaside trees have ; seen on the skyline from the train they would tell you in an instant , if you did not know it , that you were approaching a windy coast . Well , at the top of my little hill , a line of these firs strikes out and runs towards the sea , for there is a ridge that goes that way ; and the ridge ends in a rather well - defined mound commanding the level fields of rough grass , and a little knot of fir trees crowns it . And here you may sit on a hot spring day , very well content to look at blue sea , white windmills , red cottages , bright green grass , church tower , and distant martello tower on the south . As I have said , I began to know Seaburgh as a child ; but a gap of a good many years separates my early knowledge from that which is more recent . Still it keeps its place in my affections , and any tales of it that I pick up have an interest for me . One such tale is this : it came to me in a place very remote from Seaburgh , and quite accidentally , from a man whom I had been able to oblige - enough in his opinion to justify his making me his confidant to this extent . I know all that country more or less ( he said ) . I used to go to Scaburgh pretty regularly for golf in the spring . I generally put up at the ' Bear ' , with a friend - Henry Long it was , you knew him perhaps - ( ' Slightly , ' I said ) and we used to take a sitting - room and be very happy there . Since he died I haven 't cared to go there . And I don 't know that I should anyhow after the particular thing that happened on our last visit . It was in April , 19 - , we were there , and by some chance we were almost the only people in the hotel . So the ordinary public rooms were practically empty , and we were the more surprised when , after dinner , our sitting - room door opened , and a young man put his head in . We were aware of this young man . He was rather a rabbity anaemic subject - light hair and light eyes - but not unpleasing . So when he said : ' I beg your pardon , is this a private room ? ' we did not growl and say : ' Yes , it is , ' but Long said , or I did - no matter which : ' Please come in . ' ' Oh , may I ? ' he said , and seemed relieved . Of course it was obvious that he wanted company ; and as he was a reasonable kind of person - not the sort to bestow his whole family history on you - we urged him to make himself at home . ' I dare say you find the other rooms rather bleak , ' I said . Yes , he did : but it was really too good of us , and so on . That being got over , he made some pretence of reading a book . Long was playing Patience , I was writing . It became plain to me after a few minutes that this visitor of ours was in rather a state of fidgets or nerves , which communicated itself to me , and so I put away my writing and turned to at engaging him in talk . After some remarks , which I forget , he became rather confidential . ' You 'll think it very odd of me ' ( this was the sort of way he began ) , ' but the fact is I 've had something of a shock . ' Well , I recommended a drink of some cheering kind , and we had it . The waiter coming in made an interruption ( and I thought our young man seemed very jumpy when the door opened ) , but after a while he got back to his woes again . There was nobody he knew in the place , and he did happen to know who we both were ( it turned out there was some common acquaintance in town ) , and really he did want a word of advice , if we didn 't mind . Of course we both said : ' By all means , ' or ' Not at all , ' and Long put away his cards . And we settled down to hear what his difficulty was . ' It began , ' he said , ' more than a week ago , when I bicycled over to Froston , only about five or six miles , to see the church ; I 'm very much interested in architecture , and it 's got one of those pretty porches with niches and shields . I took a photograph of it , and then an old man who was tidying up in the churchyard came and asked if I 'd care to look into the church . I said yes , and he produced a key and let me in . There wasn 't much inside , but I told him it was a nice little church , and he kept it very clean , ' But , ' I said , ' the porch is the best part of it . ' We were just outside the porch then , and he said , ' Ah , yes , that is a nice porch ; and do you know , sir , what 's the meanin ' of that coat of arms there ? ' ' ' Well , then , ' he said , ' for all you 're a scholard , I can tell you something you don 't know . Them 's the three ' oly crowns what was buried in the ground near by the coast to keep the Germans from landing - ah , I can see you don 't believe that . But I tell you , if it hadn 't have been for one of them ' oly crowns bein ' there still , them Germans would a landed here time and again , they would . Landed with their ships , and killed man , woman and child in their beds . Now then , that 's the truth what I 'm telling you , that is ; and if you don 't believe me , you ast the rector . There he comes : you ast him , I says . ' ' Then I put in a word to say how much I should like to hear all about it , and before many minutes I was walking up the village street with the rector , who had one or two words to say to parishioners , and then to the rectory , where he took me into his study . He had made out , on the way , that I really was capable of taking an intelligent interest in a piece of folklore , and not quite the ordinary tripper . So he was very willing to talk , and it is rather surprising to me that the particular legend he told me has not made its way into print before . His account of it was this : ' There has always been a belief in these parts in the three holy crowns . The old people say they were buried in different places near the coast to keep off the Danes or the French or the Germans . And they say that one of the three was dug up a long time ago , and another has disappeared by the encroaching of the sea , and one 's still left doing its work , keeping off invaders . Well , now , if you have read the ordinary guides and histories of this county , you will remember perhaps that in 1687 a crown , which was said to be the crown of Redwald , King of the East Angles , was dug up at Rendlesham , and alas ! alas ! melted down before it was even properly described or drawn . Well , Rendlesham isn 't on the coast , but it isn 't so very far inland , and it 's on a very important line of access . And I believe that is the crown which the people mean when they say that one has been dug up . Then on the south you don 't want me to tell you where there was a Saxon royal palace which is now under the sea , eh ? Well , there was the second crown , I take it . And up beyond these two , they say , lies the third . ' ' ' To be sure , ' he said , ' now that 's another curious story . These Agers it 's a very old name in these parts , but I can 't find that they were ever people of quality or big owners these Agers say , or said , that their branch of the family were the guardians of the last crown . A certain old Nathaniel Ager was the first one I knew - I was born and brought up quite near here - and he , I believe , camped out at the place during the whole of the war of 1870 . William , his son , did the same , I know , during the South African War . And young William , his son , who has only died fairly recently , took lodgings at the cottage nearest the spot ; and I 've no doubt hastened his end , for he was a consumptive , by exposure and night watching . And he was the last of that branch . It was a dreadful grief to him to think that he was the last , but he could do nothing , the only relations at all near to him were in the colonies . I wrote letters for him to them imploring them to come over on business very important to the family , but there has been no answer . So the last of the holy crowns , if it 's there , has no guardian now . ' ' That was what the rector told me , and you can fancy how interesting I found it . The only thing I could think of when I left him was how to hit upon the spot where the crown was supposed to be . I wish I 'd left it alone . ' But there was a sort of fate in it , for as I bicycled back past the churchyard wall my eye caught a fairly new gravestone , and on it was the name of William Ager . Of course I got off and read it . It said ' of this parish , died at Seaburgh , 19 - , aged 28 . ' ' There it was , you see . A little judicious questioning in the right place , and I should at least find the cottage nearest the spot . Only I didn 't quite know what was the right place to begin my questioning at . Again there was fate : it took me to the curiosity - shop down that way - you know - and I turned over some old books , and , if you please , one was a prayer - book of 1740 odd , in a rather handsome binding - I 'll just go and get it , it 's in my room . ' ' You see , ' he said , ' anybody would call it the greatest bit of luck . I did , but I don 't now . Of course I asked the shopman about William Ager , and of course he happened to remember that he lodged in a cottage in the North Field and died there . This was just chalking the road for me . I knew which the cottage must be : there is only one sizable one about there . The next thing was to scrape some sort of acquaintance with the people , and I took a walk that way at once . A dog did the business for me : he made at me so fiercely that they had to run out and beat him off , and then naturally begged my pardon , and we got into talk . I had only to bring up Ager 's name , and pretend I knew , or thought I knew something of him , and then the woman said how sad it was him dying so young , and she was sure it came of him spending the night out of doors in the cold weather . Then I had to say : ' Did he go out on the sea at night ? ' and she said : ' Oh , no , it was on the hillock yonder with the trees on it . ' And there I was . ' I know something about digging in these barrows : I 've opened many of them in the down country . But that was with owner 's leave , and in broad daylight and with men to help . I had to prospect very carefully here before I put a spade in : I couldn 't trench across the mound , and with those old firs growing there I knew there would be awkward tree roots . Still the soil was very light and sandy and easy , and there was a rabbit hole or so that might be developed into a sort of tunnel . The going out and coming back at odd hours to the hotel was going to be the awkward part . When I made up my mind about the way to excavate I told the people that I was called away for a night , and I spent it out there . I made my tunnel : I won 't bore you with the details of how I supported it and filled it in when I 'd done , but the main thing is that I got the crown . ' Naturally we both broke out into exclamations of surprise and interest . I for one had long known about the finding of the crown at Rendlesham and had often lamented its fate . No one has ever seen an Anglo - Saxon crown - at least no one had . But our man gazed at us with a rueful eye . ' Yes , ' he said , ' and the worst of it is I don 't know how to put it back . ' ' Put it back ? ' we cried out . ' Why , my dear sir , you 've made one of the most exciting finds ever heard of in this country . Of course it ought to go to the Jewel Houise at the Tower . What 's your difficulty ? If you 're thinking about the owner of the land , and treasure - trove , and all that , we can certainly help you through . Nobody 's going to make a fuss about technicalities in a case of this kind . ' At last Long said : ' You 'll forgive me , I hope , if I seem impertinent , but are you quite sure you 've got it ? ' I was wanting to ask much the same question myself , for of course the story did seem a lunatic 's dream when one thought over it . But I hadn 't quite dared to say what might hurt the poor young man 's feelings . However , he took it quite calmly - really , with the calm of despair , you might say . He sat up and said : ' Oh , yes , there 's no doubt of that : I have it here , in my room , locked up in my bag . You can come and look at it if you like : I won 't offer to bring it here . ' We were not likely to let the chance slip . We went with him ; his room was only a few doors off . The boots was just collecting shoes in the passage : or so we thought : afterwards we were not sure . Our visitor - his name was Parton - was in a worse state of shivers than before , and went hurriedly into the room , and beckoned us after him , turned on the light , and shut the door carefully . Then he unlocked his kit - bag , and produced a bundle of clean pocket - handkerchiefs in which something was wrapped , laid it on the bed , and undid it . I can now say I have seen an actual Anglo - Saxon crown . It was of silver - as the Rendlesham one is always said to have been - it was set with some gems , mostly antique intaglios and cameos , and was of rather plain , almost rough workmanship . In fact , it was like those you see on the coins and in the manuscripts . I found no reason to think it was later than the ninth century . I was intensely interested , of course , and I wanted to turn it over in my hands , but Paxton prevented me . ' Don 't you touch it , ' he said , ' I 'll do that . ' And with a sigh that was , I declare to you , dreadful to hear , he took it up and turned it about so that we could see every part of it . ' Seen enough ? ' he said at last , and we nodded . He wrapped it up and locked it in his bag , and stood looking at us dumbly . ' Come back to our room , ' Long said , ' and tell us what the trouble is . ' He thanked us , and said : ' Will you go first and see if - if the coast is clear ? ' That wasn 't very intelligible , for our proceedings hadn 't been , after all , very suspicious , and the hotel , as I said , was practically empty . However , we were beginning to have inklings of - we didn 't know what , and anyhow nerves are infectious . So we did go , first peering out as we opened the door , and fancying ( I found we both had the fancy ) that a shadow , or more than a shadow - but it made no sound - passed from before us to one side as we came out into the passage . ' It 's all right , ' we whispered to Paxton - whispering seem ' What is to be done ? ' was his opening . Long thought it right ( as he explained to me afterwards ) to be obtuse , and said : ' Why not find out who the owner of the land is , and inform - ' Oh , no , no ! ' Paxton broke in impatiently , ' I beg your pardon : you 've been very kind , but don 't you see it 's got to go back , and I daren 't be there at night , and daytime 's impossible . Perhaps , though , you don 't see : well , then , the truth is that I 've never been alone since I touched it . ' I was beginning some fairly stupid comment , but Long caught my eye , and I stopped . Long said : ' I think I do see , perhaps : but wouldn 't it be a relief - to tell us a little more clearly what the situation is ? ' Then it all came out : Paxton looked over his shoulder and beckoned to us to come nearer to him , and began speaking in a low voice : we listened most intently , of course , and compared notes afterwards , and I wrote down our version , so I am confident I have what he told us almost word for word . He said : ' It began when I was first prospecting , and put me off again and again . There was always somebody - a man - standing by one of the firs . This was in daylight , you know . He was never in front of me . I always saw him with the tail of my eye on the left or the right , and he was never there when I looked straight for him . I would lie down for quite a long time and take careful observations , and make sure there was no one , and then when I got up and began prospecting again , there he was . And he began to give me hints , besides ; for wherever I put that prayer - book - short of locking it up , which I did at last - when I came back to my loom it was always out on my table open at the fly - leaf where the names are , and one of my razors across it to keep it open . I 'm sure he just can 't open my bag , or something more would have happened . You see , he 's light and weak , but all the same I daren 't face him . Well , then , when I was making the tunnel , of course it was worse , and if I hadn 't been so keen I should have dropped the whole thing and run . It was like someone scraping at my back all the time : I thought for a long time it was only soil dropping on me , but as I got nearer the - the crown , it was unmistakable . And when I actually laid it bare and got my fingers into the ring of it and pulled it out , there came a sort of cry behind me - oh , I can 't tell you how desolate it was ! And horribly threatening too . It spoilt all my pleasure in my find - cut it off that moment . And if I hadn 't been the wretched fool I am , I should have put the thing back and left it . But I didn 't . The rest of the time was just awful . I had hours to get through before I could decently come back to the hotel . First I spent time filling up my We didn 't know what to say , but we felt we must come to the rescue somehow , and so - it really seemed the only thing - we said if he was so set on putting the crown back in its place , we would help him . And I must say that after what we had heard it did seem the right thing . If these horrid consequences had come on this poor man , might there not really be something in the original idea of the crown having some curious power bound up with it , to guard the coast ? At least , that was my feeling , and I think it was Long 's too . Our offer was very welcome to Paxton , anyhow . When could we do it ? It was nearing half - past ten . Could we contrive to make a late walk plausible to the hotel people that very night ? We looked out of the window : there was a brilliant full moon - the Paschal moon . Long undertook to tackle the boots and propitiate him . He was to say that we should not be much over the hour , and if we did find it so pleasant that we stopped out a bit longer we would see that he didn 't lose by sitting up . Well , we were pretty regular customers of the hotel , and did not give much trouble , and were considered by the servants to be not under the mark in the way of tips ; and so the boots was propitiated , and let us out on to the sea - front , and remained , as we heard later , looking after us . Paxton had a large coat over his arm , under which was the wrapped - up crown . So we were off on this strange errand before we had time to think how very much out of the way it was . I have told this part quite shortly on purpose , for it really does represent the haste with which we settled our plan and took action . ' The shortest way is up the hill and through the churchyard , ' Paxton said , as we stood a moment before , the hotel looking up and down the front . There was nobody about - nobody at all . Seaburgh out of the season is an early , quiet place . ' We can 't go along the dyke by the cottage , because of the dog , ' Paxton also said , when I pointed to what I thought a shorter way along the front and across two fields . The reason he gave was good enough . We went up the road to the church , and turned in at the churchyard gate . I confess to having thought that there might be some one lying there who might be conscious of our business : but if it was so , they were also conscious that one who was on their side , so to say , had us under surveillance , and we saw no sign of them . But under observation we felt we were , as I have never felt it at another time . Specially was it so when we passed out of the churchyard into a narrow path with close high hedges , through which we hurried as Christian did through that Valley ; and so got out into open fields . Then along hedges , though I world sooner have been in the open , where I could see if anyone was visible behind me ; over a gate or two , and then a swerve to the left , taking us up on to the ridge which ended in that mound . As we neared it , Henry Long felt , and I felt too , that there were what I can only call dim presences waiting for us , as well as a far more actual one attending us . Of Paxton 's agitation all this time I can give you no adequate picture : he breathed like a hunted beast , and we could not either of us look at his face . How he would manage when we got to the very place we had not troubled to think : he had seemed so sure that that would not be difficult . Nor was it . I never saw anything like the dash with which he flung himself at a particular spot in the side of the mound , and tore at it , so that in a very few minutes the greater part of his body was out of sight . We stood holding the coat and that bundle of handkerchiefs , and looking , very fearfully , I must admit , about us . There was nothing to be seen : a line of dark firs behind us made one skyline , more trees and the church tower half a mile off on the right , cottages and a windmill on the horizon on the left , calm sea dead in front , faint barking of a dog at a cottage on a gleaming dyke between us and it : full moon making that path we know across the sea : the eternal whisper of the Scotch firs just above us , and of the sea in front . Yet , in all this quiet , an acute , an acrid consciousness of a restrained hostility very near us , like a dog on a leash that might be let go at any moment . Paxton pulled himself out of the hole , and stretched a hand back to us . ' Give it to me , ' he whispered , ' unwrapped . ' We pulled off the handkerchiefs , and he took the crown . The moonlight just fell on it as he snatched it . We had not ourselves touched that bit of metal , and I have thought since that it was just as well . In another moment Paxton was out of the hole again and busy shovelling back the soil with hands that were already bleeding He would have none of our help though It was much the longest part of the job to get the place to look undisturbed yet - I don 't know how - he made a wonderful success of it . At last he was satisfied and we turned back . We were a couple of hundred yards from the hill when Long suddenly said to him : ' I say you 've left your coat there . That won 't do . See ? ' And I certainly did see it - the long dark overcoat lying where the tunnel had been . Paxton had not stopped , however : he only shook his head , and held up the coat on his arm . And when we joined him , he said , without any excitement , but as if nothing mattered any more : ' That wasn 't my coat . ' And , indeed , when we looked back again , that dark thing was not to be seen . Well , we got out on to the road , and came rapidly back that way . It was well before twelve when we got in , trying to put a good face on it , and saying - Long and I - what a lovely night it was for a walk . The boots was on the look - out for us , and we made remarks like that for his edification as we entered the hotel . He gave another look up and down the sea - front before he locked the front door , and said : ' You didn 't meet many people about , I s ' pose , sir ? ' ' No , indeed , not a soul , ' I said ; at which I remember Paxton looked oddly at me . ' Only I thought I see someone turn up the station road after you gentlemen , ' said the boots . ' Still , you was three together , and I don 't suppose he meant mischief . ' I didn 't know what to say ; Long merely said ' Good night , ' and we went off upstairs , promising to turn out all lights , and to go to bed in a few minutes . Back in our room , we did our very best to make Paxton take a cheerful view . There 's the crown safe back , ' we said ; ' very likely you 'd have done better not to touch it ' ( and he heavily assented to that ) , ' but no real harm has been done , and we shall never give this away to anyone who would be so mad as to go near it . Besides , don 't you feel better yourself ? I don 't mind confessing , ' I said , ' that on the way there I was very much inclined to take your view about - well , about being followed ; but going back , it wasn 't at all the same thing , was it ? ' No , it wouldn 't do : ' You 've nothing to trouble yourselves about , ' he said , ' but I 'm not forgiven . I 've got to pay for that miserable sacrilege still . I know what you are going to say . The Church might help . Yes , but it 's the body that has to suffer . It 's true I 'm not feeling that he 's waiting outside for me just now . But - ' Then he stopped . Then he turned to thanking us , and we put him off as soon as we could . And naturally we pressed him to use our sitting - room next day , and said we should be glad to go out with him . Or did he play golf , perhaps ? Yes , he did , but he didn 't think he should care about that tomorrow . Well , we recommended him to get up late and sit in our room in the morning while we were playing , and we would have a walk later in the day . He was very submissive and piano about it all : ready to do just what we thought best , but clearly quite certain in his own mind that what was coming could not be averted or palliated . You 'll wonder why we didn 't insist on accompanying him to his home and seeing him safe into the care of brothers or someone . The fact was he had nobody . He had had a flat in town , but lately he had made up his mind to settle for a time in Sweden , and he had dismantled his flat and shipped off his belongings , and was whiling away a fortnight or three weeks before he made a start . Anyhow , we didn 't see what we could do better than sleep on it - or not sleep very much , as was my case and We felt very different , Long and I , on as beautiful an April morning as you could desire ; and Paxton also looked very different when we saw him at breakfast . ' The first approach to a decent night I seem ever to have had , ' was what he said . But he was going to do as we had settled : stay in probably all the morning , and come out with us later . We went to the links ; we met some other men and played with them in the morning , and had lunch there rather early , so as not to be late back . All the same , the snares of death overtook him . Whether it could have been prevented , I don 't know . I think he would have been got at somehow , do what we might . Anyhow , this is what happened . We went straight up to our room . Paxton was there , reading quite peaceably . ' Ready to come out shortly ? ' said Long , ' say in half an hour 's time ? ' ' Certainly , ' he said : and I said we would change first , and perhaps have baths , and call for him in half an hour . I had my bath first , and went and lay down on my bed , and slept for about ten minutes . We came out of our rooms at the same time , and went together to the sitting - room . Paxton wasn 't there - only his book . Nor was he in his room , nor in the downstair rooms . We shouted for him . A servant came out and said : ' Why , I thought you gentlemen was gone out already , and so did the other gentleman . He heard you a - calling from the path there , and run out in a hurry , and I looked out of the coffee - room window , but I didn 't see you . ' Owever , he run off down the beach that way . ' But something in our look as we ran out must have struck the servant , for she came out on the steps , and pointed , and said , ' Yes , that 's the way he went . ' We ran on as far as the top of the shingle bank , and there pulled up . There was a choice of ways : past the houses on the sea - front , or along the sand at the bottom of the beach , which , the tide being now out , was fairly broad . Or of course we might keep along the shingle between these two tracks and have some view of both of them ; only that was heavy going . We chose the sand , for that was the loneliest , and someone might come to harm there without being seen from the public path . Long said he saw Paxton some distance ahead , running and waving his stick , as if he wanted to signal to people who were on ahead of him . I couldn 't be sure : one of these sea - mists was coming up very quickly from the south . There was someone , that 's all I could say . And there were tracks on the sand as of someone running who wore shoes ; and there were other tracks made before those - for the shoes sometimes trod in them and interfered with them - of someone not in shoes . Oh , of course , it 's only my word you 've got to take for all this : Long 's dead , we 'd no time or means to make sketches or take casts , and the next tide washed everything away . All we could do was to notice these marks as we hurried on . But there they were over and over again , and we had no doubt whatever that what we saw was the track of a bare foot , and one that showed more bones than flesh . The notion of Paxton running after - after anything like this , and supposing it to be the friends he was looking for , was very dreadful to us . You can guess what we fancied : how the thing he was following might stop suddenly and turn round on him , and what sort of face it would show , half - seen at first in the mist - which all the while was getting thicker and thicker . And as I ran on wondering how the poor wretch could have been lured into mistaking that other thing for us , I remembered his saying , ' He has some power over your eyes . ' And then I wondered what the end would be , for I had no hope now that the end could be averted , and - well , there is no need to tell all the dismal and horrid thoughts that flitted through my head as we ran on into the mist . It was uncanny , too , that the sun should still be bright in the sky and we could see nothing . We could only tell that we were now past the houses and had reached that gap there is between them and the old martello tower . When you are past the tower , you know , there is nothing but shingle for a long way - not a house , not a human creature ; just that spit of land , or rather shingle , with the river on your right and the sea on your left . But just before that , just by the martello tower , you remember there is the old battery , close to the sea . I believe there are only a few blocks of concrete left now : the rest has all been washed away , but at this time there was a lot more , though the place was a ruin . Well , when we got there , we clambered to the top as quick as we could to take breath and look over the shingle in front if by chance the mist would let us see anything . But a moment 's rest we must have . We had run a mile at least . Nothing whatever was visible ahead of us , and we were just turning by common consent to get down and run hopelessly on , when we heard what I can only call a laugh : and if you can understand what I mean by a breathless , a lungless laugh , you have it : but I don 't suppose you can . It came from below , and swerved away into the mist . That was enough . We bent over the wall . Paxton was there at the bottom . You don 't need to be told that he was dead . His tracks showed that he had run along the side of the battery , had turned sharp round the corner of it , and , small doubt of it , must have dashed straight irito the open arms of someone who was waiting there . His mouth was full of sand and stones , and his teeth and jaws were broken to bits . I only glanced once at his face . At the same moment , just as we were scrambling down from the battery to get to the body , we heard a shout , and saw a man running down the bank of the martello tower . He was the caretaker stationed there , and his keen old eyes had managed to descry through the mist that something was wrong . He had seen Paxton fall , and had seen us a moment after , running up - fortunate this , for otherwise we could hardly have escaped suspicion of being concerned in the dreadful business . Had he , we asked , caught sight of anybody attacking our friend ? He could not be sure . We sent him off for help , and stayed by the dead man till they came with the stretcher . It was then that we traced out how he had come , on the narrow fringe of sand under the battery wall . The rest was shingle , and it was hopelessly impossible to tell whither the other had gone . What were we to say at the inquest ? It was a duty , we felt , not to give up , there and then , the secret of the crown , to be published in every paper . I don 't know how much you would have told ; but what we did agree upon was this : to say that we had only made acquaintance with Paxton the day before , and that he had told us he was under some apprehension of danger at the hands of a man called William Ager . Also that we had seen some other tracks besides Paxton 's when we followed him along the beach . But of course by that time everything was gone from the sands . No one had any knowledge , fortunately , of any William Ager living in the district . The evidence of the man at the martello tower freed us from all suspicion . All that could be done was to return a verdict of wilful murder by some person or persons unknowtn . |
Genius . My greatest sorrow and frustration in life was that I was able to recognize it ; appreciate it when I saw it ; easily discern between the very good , the great and the brilliant ; and yet , I , myself , could not produce anything of such caliber . I could see the tricks and techniques the masters used to imprint their work with their unique creative flair . I was able to read between the lines and marvel at a turn of phrase or an especially apt metaphor . I noticed the nuanced underpainting and the way it brought life to the subject . I could hear the subtle change of key that lodged a melody in the head . And yet was not able to reproduce any of it . I did not begrudge them their success . They deserved it . I only wanted to whip aside the curtain to see how they did it . Was there a trick ? A skill I could learn ? Techniques I might master ? The answer , I found was yes to all those things , and yet , the whole was far greater than the sum of its parts . There was something inside those people , something I didn 't possess . No matter what I did , somebody else did it better . More naturally . More easily . I plugged away at what I did best . I was moderately successful . I was able to earn a living , but few outside my immediate circle sang praises to my talent . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was just 27 . I had my whole life in front of me . I had a good job , career prospects , lots of friends . One night , I went into the city to meet a some buddies for drinks . It was late when I left them to head home . I was a bit tipsy but not exactly drunk . A man on the street approached me , asking for directions . I stopped to help him . After that was a blur . I woke up groggy , bound with nylon rope , in the trunk of a car , bumping along very potholed roads . I had no idea where I was . Or why . Or how . It took a while for me to put it together , but he must have drugged me somehow . Maybe stuck me with something . I didn 't remember . Finally , we came to a stop . When he opened the trunk and pulled me out , we were in a garage … not a house garage but a commercial one , like a chop shop . I had no idea exactly where we were but my sense was that it was in a remote , industrial part of an outer boro , far from prying eyes and out of earshot of anyone who could help me . My captor was insane . That much was obvious . I was terrified . I knew I was going to die at his hands , but I didn 't know how , which terrified me more . He started with the tools for breaking apart cars , and took me apart slowly , methodically . He knew was he was doing . He took pleasure in my pain . As soon as I realized what was happening , I tried to will my soul out of my body , so I would die faster . It didn 't work as quickly as I prayed it would . When I passed across , as soon as I felt my soul leave my corporeal form , I was met by others ; other young men he 'd killed in the same way . New York has a serial killer but nobody knows it . He disposes of bodies so well , none of us were ever found . We are all still listed as mysteriously missing persons . Nobody suspects that all our disappearances are related ; the work of one man . Nobody is looking for a single killer . He is too clever for them . Our bodies are in the Gowanus Canal , but no one would ever think to look for us there . Even if they did , they would never find us . We are melted into the toxic soup . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! " Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for my unfulfilled dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , I have could have achieved my dream unless I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all that entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few , but looking back , although some relationships were passionate , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it , sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would play out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When I grew old , I spoke to the dead and they spoke to me . I heard them , clear as if they were standing in the room with me . They told me their stories , just as I tell mine to you . I answered them , and asked them questions . My neighbors could hear me chatting through the door and the walls , apparently to no one . They thought me odd but I was harmless , so they left me alone . They whispered that I 'd gone mad after my husband died , and my son a year later . Some said I talked to the dead in my imagination because I couldn 't stand to be alone . Others believed I imagined the dead to be alive because I was afraid to die . If the dead were alive , then I need not be afraid of death . Most assumed the dementia of old age had set in and I was just imagining things . I also spoke to the dead when I was young . But then life got busy and I no longer had the time for them . But the main reason was that the noise of the world , the noise of my own questions and worries inside my head , crowded out any other voices . I could no more hear them than I could perceive a hushed whisper across a noisy , bustling train station . I could not stop the noise , nor did I think to do so . Whatever was inside my head was me , and that took up all my mental energy and attention . But then , eventually , I found myself old and alone . I had lived long enough to be philosophical about life . I no longer worried or questioned . I simply accepted . And finally , once again , it was quiet enough to listen . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! In the village where I lived my entire life , the roads were made of dirt and mud . Those people who could afford to , built their homes from brick or block , cement , and corrugated metal . Those who could not , build theirs of wood , metal scraps , and mud . Nobody had more than four sets of clothing : two for summer and two for winter . Many had only one . Some people had shoes ; others did not . I suppose by some standards , we lived in poverty , but since we had no idea how others lived , we had no basis of comparison , and so we never thought of ourselves as poor . Ultimately , it made no difference to the lives we lived , the lessons we learned , the love we shared , the pain we suffered . The human condition is the same everywhere . Even among those who have so very little , there were the haves and the have - nots . My family was in the middle . We went hungry from time to time , but mostly that was because of the weather , when the crops didn 't do well , or the animals starved . But then , most everyone suffered during those times , as well . From the time I was a young girl , I enjoyed observing people , watching how they behaved , how they socialized with others . In my small village , everyone knew everyone . Keeping secrets was impossible . We knew who was happy in their circumstances and who was not , and why . We knew who loved unrequitedly , who held a grudge , who envied whom . We knew who was stupid and who was wise , who was selfish and who was magnanimous , who could be relied on when you needed help and who you could count on to stick the knife in deeper . There was an old baker in the village who had built his brick oven himself , long before I was born . All the women brought their bread and larger meals to be cooked there . None of them could have built such a hot fire at home because it would have been impossible for a woman ( even with the help her children ) to collect that much wood . It was difficult enough to gather enough to keep a house warm in winter . A fire in the small stove might be enough only to heat a pot of water for tea or to boil an egg or to keep a pot of bits and scraps cooking until it became soup . Of course in the summer , it was too hot to keep a fire going inside . And so we had a communal bakery . Grandfather was a nice man with a good soul . Everybody liked him . If a family could not pay , he would never shame them . He would tell them kindly to pay when they could , even when he knew he was likely to never be paid at all . It was not in his heart to let anyone starve if he could help it . When I was about 8 years old , there was a young man in the village who worked for the baker . He was very full of his own worth , full of important advice for everyone , always telling others the best way to run their businesses even though , he , himself , had no business of his own . He was always telling Grandfather how to improve things , but Grandfather had been in business since before this young man was born , and he did not appreciate the unsolicited advice . Others advised the young man to mind his tongue and do his job , for the old man would eventually pass away and then he could take over the business and do with it whatever he wanted . But he could not wait . So , he moved away to the city , which was very far . He worked there for a few years at something ( nobody really knew ) until he had saved enough money to start his own bakery in the village . When he came back , he built his own oven . In front , he built a low wall to create a kind of outdoor room . There he put some tables and chairs . It became a kind of spontaneous café for men to gather , to drink strong tea and eat a small cake or two , to smoke , to play cards , to discuss politics and religion . The young man thought he was very clever because now he had both a bakery and a café , and was sure he could make twice as much money as Grandfather . The fact is , the bakery was where all the profit was . A café didn 't earn much . These men sat all day with one pot , always asking for more hot water . In his foolishness and ignorance he expected the village women to flock to his bakery , which was larger and of course newer and offered some social activity . What he failed to consider , was that the women did not want to pass through a group of men , on their way to the oven . These women worked hard . They gathered wood and carried water from the well . They minded the small animals . And the children , too , of course . They worked like donkeys from sunrise until everyone in their families was safely asleep . These women resented working hard while men sat idle . They did not want to be reminded of it . It made them bitter . And so , they avoided the place . Soon , with no customers for his oven , the young man could not keep his business open . He lost everything . Ashamed , chastened , and once again poor , he left the village for the city once more . I never saw him again but I thought about him a lot . And from then on , I made it a point to study others and to understand what they wanted most deeply . I quickly learned this was rarely what it appeared to be on the surface . A man might start an argument with someone of a higher status not because he was angry at the man but because he resented his own low standing . To win such an argument was to steal some of that man 's power . A woman might want a new piece of jewelry from her husband not because she needed more finery , but because it showed others that her husband valued her . She craved the status of that ; not his actual love . . A girl might act aloof or tease a boy , not because she wants to hurt him or push him away , but because she likes him and doesn 't know how to express her own feelings . I observed these things closely all my life , and I thought about them as I went about my days . And the more I understood , the more things made sense to me . I didn 't get upset when people behaved badly because I could see through it to the real reason , and I had compassion . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is al I never had much luck in love . Most relationships barely got started before they were over . I accepted this as my destiny and made a life without romance . And then , when I was in my late 40 's , I met my soulmate . We were quickly inseparable . We 'd found each other and we weren 't letting go . Finally , I understood viscerally what poets and writers and lyricists wrote about . It felt miraculous . It felt destined . It felt absolutely right . At last , there was somebody who understood me ; someone who wanted my happiness more than they wanted their own . I became a new human being . I blossomed . I felt things I 'd never felt before . I saw other human beings through a different lens , viewed the world from a different perspective . I was joyful . I was happy . And then , tragedy . , insanity . A robbery . A shooting . Death . And suddenly , I was alone again , my happiness shattered . It had taken so long for us to find each other , and we were so uniquely suited . How could I hope to ever find that again ? I could not return to my old life , being happily content without love . I missed it like a brutally sawn - off leg . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I loved him because I could love him in exactly the way he needed to be loved . He was difficult ( as was I ! ) and often tried my patience , but if I didn 't love him , who would ? He frequently treated me badly , occasionally took his hand to me , regularly neglected me , routinely said hurtful things , but even so , I knew he loved me in his own , often emotionally convoluted way . He knew I could find a man who treated me better , a man who deserved me more , so it meant everything to him that I stayed married to him . Over the years , friends and family urged me to leave him . He was no good for me , they said . He made me cry , made me feel less of myself . They made me question whether I was lying to myself about why I stayed . When he was sober and contrite , he was loving and charming . He was intelligent and deep , but too often his demons got the better of him . He knew he mistreated and neglected me , and he knew that he had to make it up to me , double , when he was capable . That was how he held on to me through the worst of times . I suppose I could say our marriage had its seasons . There were times of plenty followed by drought and famine . When love was abundant , I 'd gorge . I 'd fill up my heart to bursting . I 'd squirrel away every bit of kindness , storing them in the hidden recesses of my soul and my memory . This got me through the lean times . There were months , even years of famine when I felt it was time to pick up and move away . This soil was dry and dusty and nothing would grow here anymore . And then , just as I was about to leave , the rains would come and everything would spring back to life ! Love burst back into bloom , and I 'd think , How can I leave this place ? It 's the only home I know . I felt bound to him though never dependent . If I 'd felt dependent , I 'd surely have left him early on . No , that wasn 't the word . I felt responsible for him . As if I 'd been put on the earth just to understand him ; to be the only one he could love . But that was only part of it . It filled a need in me , too , to be with him . I needed to be loved like that - singularly and deeply . As long as there was that , I could deal with everything else . Most people search for a perfect , flawless human being to love and be loved by . They believe that such perfect person will provide perfect happiness . In fact , nothing in life is learned from perfection . The lessons are found in working with and through the imperfections . I could not have expressed this while I was alive . I raged at the imperfection . I wanted the pain and frustration to end so all would be peacefully ideal . In the beginning , I didn 't understand all the layers beneath the layers . But as we shed each one , I loved us more . We became closer , paring away our fears , one by one . We scraped off the veneer to reveal the truth below . We melted off the coating that held everything neatly in place so we could deal the messy reality . Sometimes it became too much , and one or the other of us felt the urge to run . Apart and together . Apart and together . Apart and together . And with each together , another layer was gone , bringing us closer to the meat of it , to the seed , to the real reason we stayed with each other ; to understanding the basis of our bond . I don 't know if I could have done it for fifty or sixty years . I died before I found out . I am not sure we would have been willing to keep scratching away like that or if we would have eventually come to an end . Or perhaps , one day , finally , all would have been exposed and there would have been nothing left to learn of or from each other . Maybe one of us would have reached that point first , and walked away . Certainly , I was not so easy to live with , myself . I was often angry , impatient , demanding , frustrated , mean , ornery and occasionally violent . I tried my best to rise above my anger but I will admit to flinging the occasional vase or dish . But it could have been he who ended it . He might have decided that domesticity wasn 't for him ; that he was no longer willing to do the work to maintain the balance . He might have been no longer willing to toil when the land was fertile ; unwilling to stock the pantry in preparation for the lean times . Without me , his life would have been easier in many ways , but I understand now that he needed the challenge of me , too . I suppose he knew that as well . Running away from the lessons is always an option . Human have free wll . I doubt I could have stayed on that particular path for decades more . Perhaps , if I had lived longer , I might have chosen another road , leading to different but equally important lessons . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Where do I begin to explain ? My sin is something few humans can comprehend . They can understand murder and rape , thuggery and genocide better than they can comprehend my particular crime . This is not to say they accept or sympathize with such crimes against humanity , but they can make sense of the perhaps irrational motivations - the need to destroy , the need for power , the need for money , the need for freedom or supremacy especially after a lifetime of repression . Perhaps even misguided religious fervor . The human mind can understand how such malignancies can develop because they can make sense of the root cause . Not so for me . Even here , looking back , I can 't say I totally understand it myself . It was just a need , a drive I had . It was an attraction that I could not control . I suppose if I were different , stronger , I might have been able to control my behavior , but my feelings ? No . Impossible . For most people , sexual and romantic attraction are age - appropriate . A kindergartner might have a sweet first crush on another child in the class . A twelve - year old boy might try to steal a kiss from a another twelve year old . Teenagers lust after other teenagers . And adults generally mate amongst themselves . Certainly children develop crushes on teachers or older persons of authority , but most adults understand what the child has yet to learn : any sexual relationship would be completely inappropriate and out of balance . I , however , never grew out of my grade - school sexuality . By the time I reached my teens , girls my own age frightened me . I felt too much a child , myself . I sensed they could see right through me . I feared they could see things in me that I didn 't want them to see ; things which needed to remain hidden but which I had no ability to conceal . I suspected they would demand things of me - sexually , emotionally - which I knew I could not satisfy . I feared they would consume me whole or mock me . I kept my distance . I spent a lot of time alone . I eventually learned how to fit in . I wasn 't stupid , just emotionally immature with a tragic lack of impulse control . At first , I 'd just fantasize . There were times when my loving gaze fell too long on a beautiful little girl . The accompanying parent would quickly hustle the child out of my sight , while casting back a warning glare over his or her shoulder . I used to masturbate to catalogs of children 's clothing , filled with adorable models . Even as I did it , I recognized how pathetic I was . I went to a couple of those junior beauty pageants , but they were too creepy even for me . I recognized in the audience , other men with the same feelings as mine and it frightened me . I saw my future , older and just like them . I didn 't want to end up like that , even though I feared I would . One day , when I was in my late twenties , a new family moved into my apartment complex . They had a beautiful little daughter , maybe 10 or 11 . I fell instantly in love with her . I was obsessed . I bought a puppy to attract her attention , which was the perfect ruse . She would come over to pet him . I 'd give her little snacks to feed him . Then , I got her to help me teach him tricks . That gave me an opportunity to be around her longer , with her feeling happy and relaxed . Her pure joy ! Her unsullied innocence ! Her translucent skin that allowed her inner light to shine through ! The way she looked at me with those huge blue eyes when she asked me a question , and awaited my response as if having an audience with the Buddha ! Truly , I was in love . It was as real and deep and meaningful to me as any kind of love is to anyone . I was as nervous and afraid as any inexperienced young man might be about approaching a girl he likes . I didn 't want to frighten her . I wanted her to understand things as I did . I complemented her . Told her how pretty , how smart , how good with animals she was . I gave her small gifts . I invited her in for snacks . ( Her single mother worked , and she was mostly on her own in the afternoons . ) We 'd watch TV on the sofa , and eventually , we cuddled . For her , it was no different than it might have been cuddling with her own father , who had all but abandoned her and whose male attention she obviously missed . But for me , it was absolutely romantic . I was in heaven , just to have her near me , just to smell her hair , to hear her laugh . And then , one day , we got on the subject of boys . She wanted to know certain things about the facts of life , about male anatomy . From where I am now , I recognize that she was just a normally curious kid . Her father was absent and her mother was barely there . I was a trusted adult . Who else would she ask ? I understood it as a seduction . A black curtain inside of me blocked out all normal human emotional logic . In my immaturity , I imagined that she wanted me , as I wanted her . I believed that this was her way of making the first move . It meant she loved me ! I started so slowly and gently , just touching and telling her how beautiful she was , and how sexy , and how much I liked her and how she could drive a man mad . And she liked it . She did . But she liked it because she was just a child and she had nobody else to tell her these things that she desperately wanted to hear . In her own way , she was as needy and lost in the world as I was . Of course , she was just a child and I was the adult ; I should have known better . But it didn 't feel that way to me at the time . Emotionally , we were the same age . In fact , to me , she felt older . She seemed confident but in fact , she was just trusting and naïve , and was thus not nervous . She had no reason to be . Eventually , we had sex . At the time , in my delusional state , it seemed she desired me as much as I desired her . I realize now that I forced myself too quickly on her . She was not ready - not physically and not emotionally . Even if I 'd gone more slowly , she still wouldn 't have understood . For a young girl who is just beginning to recognize her potential as a woman , to sense she has power over an older man , is a heady feeling , . but is emotion that a ten year old mind cannot process in its full scope . She could not have understood all the ramifications . For her , it was a game : to have a man do whatever she asked ; give her whatever she wanted . That was as far as she thought about it . She might well have played this power game with her own father against her mother if he 'd been around more . It was not a sexual thing . She was just a child , only just beginning to understand her power as a female . She was testing her wings . She didn 't even understand , really , what sex was . She didn 't comprehend the brutality of it on her small body . She didn 't anticipate the pain . Or the terror of having a grown man upon her , essentially holding her prisoner . When I imagine her face now , I know she was terrified . But I didn 't stop . I couldn 't . I was oblivious to her panic . And when it was over , she cried . I tried to comfort her but she wanted no part of me . I will never forget the look in her eyes : they screamed " Betrayal ! " Her innocence was gone and it was all my fault . I had totally misjudged the situation ( because truly , there was some part of me that was missing , and this rendered me incapable of understanding any of the dynamic in what had just transpired . ) I understood after the fact that I 'd hurt her but I didn 't understand how I had so badly misjudged . Maybe I was also angry because I felt we were in it together , that our feelings for each other were mutual , that we both wanted it , and it wasn 't fair that she blamed me after she changed her mind . But again , this was a result of my immature thinking . And in the weeks following , whenever I 'd see her around , she would quickly walk the other way . There was a complete change in her demeanor . She had closed in on herself . She was no longer that open , trusting , carefree little girl . The joy had gone out of her eyes , replaced by shock , sadness , fear , mistrust . I 'd selfishly stolen her innocence . I was consumed by guilt . I knew I 'd done a horrific thing . I knew I had destroyed something in her , and that she would not get over it for a long time , if ever . And yet , I could not stop my desire . The worse I felt about myself , the more I needed the love of an innocent to justify my feelings , to restore my sense of self - worth . I couldn 't bear to see her . I couldn 't bear to have her look at me like that . I moved far away , to another city . Eventually , I went through something similar with another girl , age twelve . It , too , ended badly . And she also never told . I moved away , again . This was the right place for me . I fully felt I deserved it . It was a relief not have to worry about further temptation , because I knew if I were still out there , it would only happen again . There was something broken in me , but I couldn 't change it and I couldn 't stop it and with my limited emotional depth , I couldn 't even understand it . Being in jail for this kind of crime is probably one of the most difficult sentences a man can serve . Even other prisoners are repulsed by such urges . I did not last long in there , which was for the best . I was long out of choices . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When I was young , I didn 't have a lot of friends . I was not well - versed in the social graces and did not get much respect . I felt odd and apart from others . In my twenties , I volunteered to do some work for an organization . They were happy to have another body and brain to help the cause . We were all working towards the same goal , and there was a real sense of community . For the first time , I felt I belonged and was a part of something . It pleased me and so I devoted more time . I quickly and mostly unconsciously assessed the group dynamic , even the more subtle , low - level hierarchy . The closer I moved to those in power , the more I emulated them . The more like them I became , the more respect and higher status I attained within the group . I devoted myself to making myself as helpful as I could be to those at the top . I made sure they knew they could trust me and count on me , which they increasingly did . I was always there , ready to do what needed to be done , all in order to make myself indispensable . Initially , I regretted the harm I did to others but I soon convinced myself that our actions were just . In any case , I did not bear this guilt alone . The ones above me , certainly , but also the ones below . Their belief and compliance allowed those at the top to achieve their goals . It was easy to deny my own complicity when I felt myself to be a cog in a machine that was moving forward with or without me . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Can you solve these riddles ? Try them before checking the answers . Thanks to Don Buchan for providing these mysteries . Do you have any Mysteries that can be included here ? Please send me your favorites and I 'll include them here . John , the police detective , arrived at the scene . What they saw was a great mess - - the house had been ransacked and had everything broken . They found Mr . Peabody , an older gentleman , dead and his head bloody , apparently having been hit on the head with his cane several times . " I had been out for a half hour to buy a loaf of bread , " she said . " Normally I get it delivered , but it 's such a nice day now that that rainy spell is over . When I returned , Geoffrey was lying on the floor ! " Mrs . Peabody had said that her husband owned a large , very expensive diamond ring and was no doubt the motive for the theft because she couldn 't find it , and the Jones ' had been written up in the paper after they had paid a record price for it at a local auction . Mrs . Peabody was perplexed by the thoroughness with which the thieves had wrecked the house - - they had even split open their large wine vat down in the basement they sometimes used to fill with wine when they had large parties . Soon after , a police officer came up to the Chief and showed him a typed letter that he 'd found hidden away in the desk that had apparently been written by Mr . Jones just after he 'd been beaten , shown by a few typing errors . " Deer Martha : These thieved are quite violent . They 've even split open the cat ! I know they are lookung for the ring , but so far I ; ve been able to hide it from them . They mist be arrested before they can do this kind of thing agaim . So that you can find it after they 've left , look in the cane ; that 's where I ; ve hidden it . With my love , Geoffrey " The officer was rather confused . Mrs . Peabody said that they never had a cat , and the officer said that they 'd made a thorough search and couldn 't find a dead cat anywhere . They had also checked his cane , and finding that it opened , were elated until they couldn 't find the ring . Apparently , the officer noticed , the thieves found the note and looked in the cane to find the ring . John looked at the note and thought for a few minutes . He said , " I believe they may not have found the ring . I knowA street of stores was having problems . Just about every morning , a store owner would walk up to his store and find that his window had been whitewashed . And everyday , the association would be more annoyed as members pitched in to wash the windows before the stores opened . Finally , one store owner who had not yet been hit decided to stay in his store overnight in the hopes of catching the guilty party . He set himself up and found himself falling asleep around two in the morning when a loud clap of thunder outside shook him awake . He looked outside and saw it begin to rain very heavily . The rain was pounding hard against his front window . Satisfied that it was only the storm , he decided to sit down again , and he fell asleep again . The thunder woke him up again at six in the morning . It was raining as hard as it had been earlier . He found that his window apparently still hadn 't been painted . He went to the back room of his store for a few minutes and washed his face . When he came out , he saw his window had been whitewashed . " At least we won 't have to wash a window today . " Annoyed , he looked out the door , and seeing the paperboy , he called out to him . " Boy ! Did you see anyone around here who may have whitewashed my window ? I want to catch that person ! " He answered that he had seen someone about twenty minutes earlier running away from the store with a large can and a brush , but was unable to catch him . The storekeeper told him , " If you don 't tell me the truth , I 'll call the police and have them ask the questions ! " What did he mean by that ? The Case of the Stolen Painting John , always the obliging police detective , walked down the street to visit Mrs . Peabody . She had called him to help her with a mystery she had . It seemed that her prized painting was missing . John wondered about what he would say to Mrs . Peabody as he tried to keep his hat on , as a brisk wind was trying to blow it off his head . He rang the doorbell . Mrs . Peabody came to the door and invited him in to her living room . It had lovely furnishings - - some old but well kept chairs , a sofa , a coffee table and a large television . One wall seemed empty compared to the others - - Mrs . Peabody explained that this was where the painting had been . " I had been out for a half hour to buy a loaf of bread , " she said . " Normally I get it delivered , but it 's such a nice day now that the snow has all melted . When I returned , my painting was gone ! " " I 'll try to find out what I can , " John assured her when he left Mrs . Peabody 's House . First , he went to a neighbour 's house . He 'd said that he 'd looked out the window and noticed someone running away and tossing a . 22 calibre gun into a snow bank . Conversation continued and the neighbour asked John , " Can I look at your gun ? I 'm really fascinated by them , even though I don 't know a thing about them . " John refused as it was against the rules to show someone an officer 's gun . John started to get suspicious , but left and decided to speak with Mrs . Peabody 's son , who apparently had been visiting earlier that day . He said that he 'd been by because he 'd seen the smoke rising straight up from the chimney , and figured his mother was in , so he went to visit . Finally , he went to speak to Mrs . Peabody and told her who had stolen her painting . Who was it ? The Case of the Computerized Code A man named Pochik had come from eastern Europe to work for our government . He was a brilliant mathematician and had been working on some obscure but important project for the government . It was so important that he used a special eight letter code on his computer that he thought no one would be able to figure out . He never told it to anyone , never wrote it down , and only used it when he was alone in a locked room that had no windows . Another mathematician named Smith was also working on the same problem independently of Pochik , and he loved to bug Pochik a lot . He knew that Pochik was still learning English , and he made fun of his accent . One day , Pochik got a bad phone call - - he 'd been told that Smith had come up with the solution to the problem before he had . This destroyed Pochik . He stayed in his little room cooped up and wouldn 't talk to many people - - if Smith or the problem was brought up , he would fling into a flying rage . A good friend was asked to go see Pochik and talk him into continuing to work on other problems , because they still needed him and there were other problems to solve . The friend went in and started talking to Pochik , and after a while , he brought up the problem . Pochik really got angry . He said that Smith wasn 't smart enough to figure out the solution , and that Smith must have stolen it from him . He couldn 't figure out how , though , because there was little chance that he could have figured out his computer code . The friend asked if he could have the code so that they could figure out how Smith could have stolen the solution , but this really enraged Pochik and said that telling him the code was impossible . He started to sulk again . The friend decided to change topics . He asked Pochik how his English was coming . He 'd heard that Pochik was using nursery rhymes to help him out with some of the different ways that English was used . Pochik calmed down and thought for a few minutes . He replied , in a heavy accent , " What is fleece ? " The friend replied that it was the coat of wool on a lamb . AfMrs . Peabody called the police again . It seemed that there had been a thief in the house earlier with a gun . She 'd just come in from her trip to the store to buy a loaf of bread . " Normally I get it delivered , but it was such a nice day now that that heat wave is over , " she said . When they arrived , John looked around the kitchen and at the closed window Mrs . Peabody had shown them - - the one with the two bullet holes . A sergeant , noticing a tree in line with the window , had an officer go out and see if he could find any bullets embedded in it . John looked around , and only noticed that a toaster and knife caddy knocked to the floor near the window . " I left everything as I found it , " Mrs . Peabody claimed . The officer came back into the house and said , " I could only find one bullet in the tree . " The sergeant , looking at the window , said , " There were two shots - - look , two holes . And both aim straight at the tree . Look again , harder this time . " The officer looked again , but with no results . When he came back in , John said that he didn 't need to look any longer . Why ? The Case of the Burning Attic This time , Mrs . Peabody 's house was a bit of a wreck . She 'd had a fire in the attic and although little damage was done to the rest of the house , the attic needed a lot of work . Fortunately , most of what was in the attic was saved . Mrs . Peabody wasn 't in , as usual , because she 'd been out buying a loaf of bread . " It was such a nice day , " she said . " I thought I would save the deliveryman the trouble . " After the firemen were finished , John looked around for some evidence . He found a few cobwebs and pool of melted candle wax nearby . Her butler said he was assisting the cook with some crates of food they 'd received for a party later in the week . The maid said that it was her mistake that she 'd dropped the candle . She 'd been up in the attic to look for some jewelry Mrs . Peabody asked for to use at her party . Before she could do anything , the cobwebs all over caught and started to burn , and all she could do was run out of the attic and close its door . John looked at her and said , " If you stop lying now , things will be easier for you . " Why did he say that ? The Case of the Funny Hamburger A man had been shot in a store and died soon after . The coroner estimated that the exact time of death was about 5 : 30 . The shopkeeper confirmed it by saying that he 'd only been shot a few moments before . To get as much information as possible , John went across the street to the McDonald 's to ask questions . And to get a hot fudge sundae . John got his sundae then asked for the manager . " I 'm a police officer , and I 'm looking into the death of this person . " He showed him a picture of the dead man , found in the man 's wallet . The manager said that he remembered the mancoming in at about 6 : 00 to order some food and that he had served him himself . John asked if he was sure about the time . The manager said he was because he 'd just come in to work a few minutes before and started to help with a sudden rush . John arrested the manager on suspicion of murder . Why ? The Case of the Missing Ten Dollar Bill One week a few years ago when I was up here , it was a strange week with the weather . Some days it would be swelteringly hot , and on others it would be very cold and rainy . A Cub came up to me on one of those cold , rainy days and said that he was missing $ 10 from his tent and was sure it had been stolen . He even figured who the person was , and he was from the next tent . After determining that the money was indeed missing by helping him check through each part of his bag and all his pockets , as well as under his bed and in his sleeping bag , I approached the leader from the tent next door to see if his boys knew anything about the money . The leader asked around , and the boy who was thought to have taken it said that earlier in the day , when everyone was in the dining hall and he was late , he 'd seen the money blow onto the floor because of the wind . He said he 'd seen this because the sides were up as usual . When it blew out of the tent , he started to chase it so that it wouldn 't blow away , but soon it started to blow down the hill and into the lake and it was too late . The leader took the boy aside and told him that it would be a good idea to confess to the crime and give back the money , and that he wouldn 't get into trouble if he did it right away . How did the leader know the boy was lying ? The Case of the Stolen Statue Lulu Lovely was in town , and everyone wanted to see her and get her autograph , because she was such a celebrity and big movie star . People were even lining up to get pictures of themselves with Lulu Lovely and her strange " pet " - - a lamb statue made of solid silver and covered with all sorts of big , expensive jewels . It was so big that if it weren 't for the jewels , it would look like a real lamb . John was one of these people . He liked her almost as much as he loved chocolate . But not quite . He was waiting in line and had been there for quite a while ; Lulu had gone into her room for lunch and to refresh herself . Thinking about what he would say when it was his turn , and wondering in amazement at how young some of her fans were when he noticed a small , scrawny , anxious teenager in line behind him , he almost missed noticing her run out of the hotel screaming , " My lamb - - my precious lamb ! It 's gone ! " John ran up and showed his badge , and offered to help discover who may have taken the lamb . First , he looked in her room , which was in the back of the hotel , and noticed a string of sheets attached to the bed , crossing the room and hanging out the window . It went almost to the ground . Then he asked some of the bodyguards if they saw anything . One said he had been eating lunch ; and another accused Lulu Lovely 's burly manager , who happened to be seen acting suspiciously when Lulu discovered her lamb missing . He said that he 'd seen him climbing out the window , holding onto the sheets with one hand and the lamb with the other . John wasn 't sure . He went out of the hotel , and noticing the teenager still hanging around , he asked him to climb the sheets around back when he gave him a signal from Lulu 's room up above . John was up in the room in a flash , and signalled down to the scrawny boy , who started to climb . Suddenly , the bed began to move toward the window and John noticed a pen fall from between the wall and the bed . Lulu called out , " My precious gold tipped pen ! I just lost it this morning ! John immediately asked the secJohhnnnnny , the famous train robber , was so good at robbing trains that he never carried more than one six shooter - - and no more than six bullets - - at a time . Everybody knew this because he would always shoot a few warning shots but never carried any extras because he got what he wanted before running out , and as such didn 't need any more bullets . One day he heard of yet another train to rob . He had it all planned out how he would go about robbing the train . He thought it was foolproof . He hid on his horse near the tracks and waited for the train to pass by . The train left the station and suddenly , the people on the train saw a train thief on his horse come out and start to chase the train . He got near the locomotive , shot his gun once toward the cabin in the hopes that the engineer would slow down . The engineer got a glimpse of the rider and was could tell it was Johhnnnnny . So he didn 't slow down . The rider slowed down a touch and tried to get on the train , but it was going too fast . He shot his gun twice again , and then the train started to go into a tunnel through a long mountain range . When it emerged , they encountered the rider again , and the engineer looked again and still only getting a glimpse , and thought he saw Johhnnnnny . He was surprised because it was such a long distance around the mountains . The rider started shooting again , and let out two shots . Finally he was able to get on the train . To scare the people , he shot twice again . Fortunately , the police were on the train to protect its delivery , knowing that Johhnnnnny would try to steal it , and figuring it would be a good way to trap him . But when they arrested the rider , they had someone else . They were absolutely sure that he was an accomplice , and Johhnnnnny was the mastermind behind the attempted robbery . How did they know Johnnnnny was involved ? The Case of the Red Carpet Mrs . Peabody called the police again . It seemed that her son had been missing for several days , and hadn 't called her . She was really concerned because she had wanted him to clean her red carpet for a party she was holding in her house the next week . " I had been out for a half hour to buy a loaf of bread , " she said . " Normally I get it delivered , but it 's such a nice day now that the leaves are all changing colour . I was expecting him to call today because of the party , but maybe he tried calling while I was out . " The police looked into the case , and found out that he 'd been murdered . His body was found on the riverbank a few miles away . Apparently he 'd been stabbed many times before his body had been thrown in the river . They even caught the murderers , and found out that they had actually killed him in his mother 's house ( again , while she was out buying a loaf of bread . ) The case was solved , but the police wanted to know as much as possible before closing the case . They looked through Mrs . Peabody 's house to see if they could find out where he 'd been killed , but without any success . Finally they left and closed the case . In all the confusion , she never did get around to cleaning her carpet . On the evening Mrs . Peabody was entertaining her guests , someone was looking at the carpet and noticed a rather unusual design . She pointed it out to Mrs . Peabody , commenting on how unusual it was . Mrs . Peabody took on look at the spot and fell down in a faint . Why ? The Case of the Spirited Camera John 's nephew had just bought a camera and was really delighted at how easy it was to use . He 'd set out looking for good shots because his school had just started a photo contest , and he was sure that a shot from the old abandoned house down the road would win . He knew that the house was supposed to be haunted , as everyone in school knew , and was a little scared . He looked through the house and saw the perfect shot : A big cobweb hanging in the open doorframe of the kitchen door in the back . He looked around some more and proceeded to leave the house . Soon after he 'd just gotten to the front door , a ghost came out and scared him , and dropping his new camera , he ran . When he dared come back , his camera was gone . He went to his uncle and asked him for help . John looked around the house and couldn 't find the camera , but noticed a few footsteps in the dust on the floor , including leading up to the back kitchen door where his nephew stood to take his picture . He took a moment to admire the cobweb suspended in the door and decided to look somewhere else . When he was finished looking around , he went outside and his nephew pointed out the town bully . Having run into him himself , John asked him what he knew about the old house . It just so happened that he said he 'd seen , from a distance , the ghost scare his nephew and , being a good citizen , he 'd run in after it to retrieve it , and of course return it to its rightful owner . Unfortunately , the ghost had apparently run off with the camera . " Oh , " said John , interested . " And just where did you lose the ghost ? " John was sure he 'd get a good story this time . " I chased him into the house , up and down the stairs , but then lost him as he disappeared through the back kitchen door . I ran out just to see if I could follow him , but I had no such luck . " " So , " said John , " Where did you hide the camera ? " John knew he was guilty . Why ? The Answers The Case of the Bad Note Old man is robbed & beaten for jewelry ( dies ) - - types a letter telling about what happened - - split open the " cat " ( wine vat ) and jewels hidden in the " cane " ( weather vane ) - - c and v are next to each other on typewriter & mixes them up in his dazed state . The Case of the Whitewashed Windows Store windows are whitewashed - - one storeowner stays in store overnight - - 2 am heavy rain - - 6 am wakes up , no whitewash on window , still raining hard - - takes 1 / 2 hr shower - - comes back and is whitewash - - asks paperboy that he saw it done 20 minutes earlier - - paperboy guilty as whitewash wouldn 't last that long in the rain The Case of the Stolen Painting Mrs . Peabody 's painting - - son and neighbour involed - - son because it was very windy but claimed to see smoke going straight up - - neighbour because claimed to see . 22 calibre gun thrown in snowbank ( snow had melted ) yet says knows nothing about guns The Case of the Computerized Code Pochik - - learning English - - reading nursery rhymes - - what is fleece ? - - Mary had a little lamb - - uses code for computer - - other guy steals from computer , but can 't prove it - - MIAT ( HTIT ) - - first letters from the poem 's lines - - 208 , 827 , 064 , 600 ( 456 , 976 if only the four ) possibilities The Case of the Missing Bullet Two holes in the window , check for two bullets - - can only find one in the tree - - only one bullet as the window was open at the time the gun was fired Maid goes into cobweb infested attic - - drops candle - - claims that the cobwebs caught fire - - guilty of arson as cobwebs don 't burn The Case of the Burning Attic Maid goes into cobweb infested attic - - drops candle - - claims that the cobwebs caught fire - - guilty of arson as cobwebs don 't burn The Case of the Funny Hamburger Murder and waitress at McDonald 's - - time of death determined at 7 : 30 - - claims saw at 7 : 35 The Case of the Missing Ten Dollar Bill Tent sides up ( not on a rainy day ) , saw $ 10 . 00 blowing in the wind from off the tent floor The Case of the Stolen Statue Pen caught between bed ofMacScouter | E - mail the MacScouter Materials found at The MacScouter website may be reproduced and used locally by Scouting volunteers for training purposes consistent with the programs of the Boy Scouts of America ( BSA ) [ Links to BSA Sites ] , the World Organization of the Scout Movement ( WOSM ) or other Scouting and Guiding Organizations . 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Enjoy the tid - bits of our everyday life : dairy goats , sheep , poultry , beekeeping , gardening , cheese making , spinning and knitting , quilting , and soap making . We 're not experts , but we are willing to give almost anything a try ! We 're learning something new everyday - - drop by once in a while and see what we 've learned today ! Tipsy , just barely opening one eye so she can see what we are all giggling about . It is so comforting to see all the animals so comfortable in front of the fire . It just seems to say , " All is right with the world ! " Here is Cookie , Queen of the Chair ! She never wants to share the chair , she is either there by herself , or off she goes ! She is actually a very sweet cat , but she really doesn 't like to share ' her ' chair ! Well , not all the animals like spending time in front of the fire . This is Stinky ( yes , that is really her name ! ) and she is sitting on her favorite house in the Christmas Village . We find her here quite often , especially when the village is lit . I think the light makes the village house a warm spot for her to sit . Time to sit for a while out of the snow . For the last week or so the turkey with the pretty feathers has been pretty friendly . We don 't know what 's wrong with her , but she doesn 't mind when we pick her up or corner her . Maybe she figured out the number one rule on the farm : Be nice or be tasty , and decided that she would like to be nice . They are still on the farm because they really weren 't big enough for dinner yet . They are so fun to watch ! Some days they are on top of the barn , too ! One of the trees on the square is lit with 1 , 500 strands of red lights with 50 lights per strand - that 's 75 , 000 lights on one tree ! I also noticed this year that some of the trees had the newer LED lights . I imagine that they will replace the regular lights with LEDs over the next few year . There are probably one million lights throughout the display . A beautiful and serene place to walk at night surrounded by beautiful music and wonderful reminders of the life of Christ . The lights were beautiful ! You can see in the photos that it was snowing lightly . It was a bit chilly , about 23 degrees , but that is much warmer than the 7 degrees we ' enjoyed ' last night ! Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car . She pushed her way into the car , dragged her two kids in with her , and all the bags of stuff . When the doors closed she couldn 't take it anymore and stated , " Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found , strung up , and shot . " Here are a few photos of Christmas around our house this year . It is the same almost every year , set up just this way . This year we have a live tree and it is huge ! Usually we have the artificial tree because some trees make my allergies act up . No problems this year ! The Nativity . My favorite part . On the chest in the front room . I love this little ' forest in a basket ' that I put together last year . One of these days I want to find a miniature log cabin Christmas ornament to put in among the pines . The Wreath on the front door . I made this many years ago and I still love it . I need to replace the grapes , though because they are starting to peel from being in the weather . The Nutcrackers . One of our sons is in Mexico for two years . This is his collection and we have put it up each Christmas that he has been gone . The Tree ! Yes , it is tall ! Our neighbor brought it for us and he had to chop 2 feet off the top to get it to stand up . It touches the ceiling and Hubby hasn 't had time to lash the star to the top . It has been great fun to have such a huge tree ! I wish . . . " He hesitated . Of course Paul knew what he was going to wish for . He was going to wish he had a brother like that . But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels . " Oh yes , I 'd love that . " After a short ride , the boy turned and with his eyes aglow , said , " Mister , would you mind driving in front of my house ? " Paul smiled a little . He thought he knew what the lad wanted . He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile . But Paul was wrong again . " Will you stop where those two steps are ? " the boy asked . He ran up the steps . Then in a little while Paul heard him coming back , but he was not coming fast . He was carrying his little crippled brother . He sat him down on the bottom step , then sort of squeezed up against him and pointed to the car . " There she is , Buddy , just like I told you upstairs . His brother gave it to him for Christmas and it didn 't cost him a cent . And some day I 'm gonna give you one just like it . . . then you can see for yourself all the pretty things in the Christmas windows that I 've been trying to tell you about . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Our family has been blessed this year . We have enough of everything . We have tried so hard to think of gifts for each other , but no one really wants anything ! We have everything we need . There are a few little gifts under the tree . But nothing much . We are looking forward to speaking with our son whom we haven 't seen for two year ( he has been in Mexico ) . We will see him in January when he comes home . Perhaps on the 26th we will drive into the city to see the lights and spend some time together . Spunky will be working on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day . She and Carpenter don 't have children and she wants the other nurses to have the chance to be with their families on Christmas . She does this every year . She always takes Thanksgiving off because she likes spending time with her family - - but she says that Christmas is a magical day when you have children and she wants her co - workers to have the chance to be there . It will be a quiet Christmas . I am sure I will be spending the time reflecting on the Great Gift that was given to us by our Heavenly Father , His Only Begotten Son . How precious is that thought . How sublime and awe - inspiring is that one Gift , nothing else can compare . Vet2Be was asked to be a part of a live Nativity that was scheduled for last night . They asked him to play the part of a shepherd and bring his sheep . They provided the costume and the pen for the sheep . Good thing our sheep are so friendly because the ' pen ' was a wire dog run that was set on the driveway . We loaded up Blackie and Whitie ( not very imaginative names ! ) and drove them to the next town , about 15 minutes away . They were a big hit ! Blackie is so friendly and loves people to pet him . Whitie hates having his horns touched , so he was often on the other side of the pen . There were a few people that Whitie liked , though , and he stood there while they pet his cheeks . The Nativity also included two camels , two Nubian goats , and two chickens . It was a small set up , not like the Nativity we visited in early December . But the people were very friendly and it was only from 6 pm until 8 pm . Vet2Be has been very sick this last week so it was hard for him to last the two hours , plus the hour before and the 30 minutes after as we transported the sheep and then did chores in the evening . He was in bed by 9 pm ! It was fun to be part of something like this and not just be visitors . The thought came to me that this Nativity is the reason why we have Blackie and why he is so friendly and loves people . He was the perfect sheep for last night . Just the kind of animal you would expect to be near the baby Jesus . Yesterday I tried to ' catch up ' on things . I didn 't really catch up on anything at all ! I spend most of the day compiling Christmas stories for Hubby . He loves Christmas stories and a few years ago I compiled many into a book for him . I made many copies that year to give away to friends and family and made sure that there was one for him . He , kind soul that he is , gave away his copy last year ! Unfortunately , over the past few years we have gotten new computers and programs . That is wonderful , but it made the original file unreadable so I decided to compile the stories again . I 'm sure there are many more stories in the booklet this time than there were last time . However , last time there was at least one picture for each story . I was able to print it on a color laser printer and it turned out very nicely ! This time , no color laser printer , and no pictures . I am sure that I could put pictures in , but Hubby doesn 't really care if there are pictures or not , so I didn 't worry about the pictures this time . There are 91 pages of stories , if I had included pictures I would probably have added another 10 or more pages ! The rest of the day I spent cleaning at Spunky and Carpenter 's house . They are gone for the week and I have been checking on Charlie , the cat , and their two birds . Suri ( the grand - puppy ) has been staying with us . She is very good and gets along well with our two dogs . Spunky has been so busy lately studying for her clinical exam and her boards that her house was a bit messy . When she and her husband left for some much needed R & R , I decided to spend a little time cleaning up for them . She and her husband are always good to help us out whenever we need it , I love to do little things like this for them when I can . It is always nice to come home to a cleaner house and clean sheets ! It 's not spotless , but at least the dishes are washed , clean sheets are on the bed , the garbage is taken out , the stove top is clean , the kitchen is swept , and the carpets are vacuumed . I even left a vase with some carnations on their kitchen counter . For the many years he had been a shepherd , it had always been Ishma 's custom to sit down and eat his lunch when the sun was high overhead , and then rest for a while . But never had he so much as dozed for a moment , until one day he did fall asleep . It was for only a minute or two - he could tell that by his shadow - but when he opened his eyes the little black lamb stood before him . When he saw it , Ishma cried out and beat his breast , for it was well known in the Judean hills that a black lamb is the omen of bad luck . Many a whispering plainsman had told of how , when such an outcast was born in the field , the heartless shepherd hid it under his cloak and took it to the hills to die . In the first place , it was always going astray , and then Ishma would have to leave his flock and roam the valleys and hills until he found it . And he could not count the times it made a false step and fell into a crevice so that he would have to pull it out with his crook , only to find it bruised and bleeding . To be sure , he would anoint its wounds with oil , but not always without complaining . The little black lamb would bleat so pitifully , Ishma would be filled with remorse , and remembering his promise , he would gather the lamb in his arms and comfort it . Then the little black lamb would lay its head on Ishma 's shoulder and go to sleep like a tired child . And , as if going astray and making false steps were not enough , it hadn 't the slightest sense about grazing . Even the youngest lamb in Ishma 's flock knew that sheep graze in one direction , and follow a leader . But not the little black lamb ! Whenever Ishma looked back , all he could see was a black tail , and time after time he would run back to pick up the lamb and turn it around . " Follow the leader , you stupid one ! " he would shout . The little balck lamb would hang its head in shame . And because he was ashamed too for breaking his promis again , Ishma would reach down and stroke the lamb gently . " Never mind , little one , " he would say . " Some day I think you will learn to go the right way . The trouble is all with me , I have not patience . Together we shall learn - you and I , patience . " Then came the day Ishma was never to forget . The little black lamb did not go astray once , but whenever Ishma looked back , he could see a black head nibbling contentedly in the green pastures . Sometimes the lamb would look up at Ishma as if to say , " You see , I am learning to go the right way . " And so when nightfall came , Ishma led his flock to a little hill and they lay down to rest . But he took the little black lamb in his arms and held it against his breast . " Forgive me , my little friend , " he whispered , " for all the times I have been impatient and scolded you , and called you stupid . Today you were so well behaved , I thought you must be sick . But your eyes are bright , and your little nose is as cool as the still waters where you refresh yourself each day . So I know you are not sick , but that at last you are learning to go the right way . " But the little black lamb was not listening . It had fallen fast asleep . Ishma smiled to himself . " I suppose , " he thought , " being so well behaved is enough to tire one as small as you . I , too , am tired and must sleep . But how I wish I could stay awake and watch this night . For never have the stars seemed as bright , and never have the heavens declared the glory of God with such splendor . " How long he slept he did not know . It was the little black lamb pawing him gently that wakened Ishma . He sat up and rubbed his eyes , for there was a strange light . Below on the plains he could see shepherds in the distance hurrying toward Bethlehem . Hiding the lamb under his cloak , Ishma jumped to his feet and hurried after them , marveling at the lightness of his step and the speed with which he ran . " Oh , Ishma , " he cried excitedly . " we were watching our flocks when a strange light appeared and frightened us , but an angel came and told us not to be afraid . He said that a Savior was born in the City of David , and that we should find Him , a Baby , in swaddling clothes , lying in a manger . " The boy stopped to catch his breath . " You will scarcely believe what I have to say , Ishma , but it is true ! We found a young mother and her newborn Son in the stable of the Inn . Such a beautiful child you have never seen ! And to think of the shame of nothing but a manger with straw for a bed . And what is even worse , we came in such haste not one of us thought to bring a gift . Do you have something , Ishma , if nothing more than a bright stone in your pocket to give the baby ? " " Yes , yes , " he said joyfully , " I just remembered . I do have a present after all . Come let us go and give it to the Baby . " The stockings were a hit ! The kids loved dying them and I thought I would post the results here . I was very glad that I tied a bit of yarn to each stocking to be able to tell how each yarn dyed . The Superwash Bare from KnitPicks picked up the color the very best , as you can see in the photos . All the stockings soaking in a bucket . I put them in to soak the night before so I wouldn 't have to remember to do it in the morning . The kids squished out the excess water , then put the stocking between layers of an old towel . They stepped on the towel to get the excess water out of the stocking . Two of the girls wanted to help mix the Kool Aid into the water . We used 4 packages of Kool Aid in one condiment bottle . I forgot to remind them to wash their hands when they were done . We found out when we saw colored finger prints on the undyed stockings as they were choosing which one they were going to dye . Moral : Wash your hands well after you mix the dye ! Un - dyed stocking ready to go ! The table is covered with plastic garbage bags that have been cut along one side and across the bottom . Those were taped to the table to protect the table top . We used paper towels under the stockings to catch any excess dye . Then we let the kids get creative ! We instructed them to not squeeze the bottle hard or we would end up with dye everywhere . This little guy was wonderful ! He was soooo careful ! CutiePie having a great time ! She is so creative and loves working with textiles ! Here is one stocking almost done . Next we put the stocking on a paper plate and microwaved it on high for two minutes . Here is a closer look at the stocking after it was microwaved . The last step is to rinse the stocking in cold water to make sure that all the excess dye is gone . With Kool Aid , it has usually all absorbed with the first microwaving . Once in a while we will have to ' nuke ' it again . Then let it dry on the paper plate or a paper towel . Don 't hang to dry or it will stretch out . If you are dying a hank of yarn , then it is best to hang it , but don 't hang projects that are already knitted . You can see that some of the stockings turned out more pastel and others turned out brighter . The same dye ( Kool Aid ) was used by everyone . The difference is the yarn . The ones that are bright colored are KnitPicks Superwash Merino wool , the pastel colored stockings are knit with Patton 's Wool ( Winter White before it was dyed ) . Here is a photo of another Comfort shawl I made . It had been sitting on my sewing table for two or three weeks . I just couldn 't seem to get it in a box and mailed to my sister 's church . I included a poem , too , since this was from me to someone I know . I found the poem here . Scroll down until you find " Prayer For Comfort " by Cathleen O ' Meara Murth , DW . She loved it . And it was more meaningful when she learned that I hand knit it , instead of machine knitting it . I was concerned about the color , but it was the only shaw I had finished . When I got to her home , she was very happy with the color since it matched the couches in their front room . Every day I learn how much our Heavenly Father has things planned out in advance , how he knows each one of us individually , and how much he loves and cares for each one of us . I see it in the little things , tender mercies every day . I wish I had two done , one for her and one for her mother . I 'm working on another , but I 'm not sure if I will get it done before my friend 's mother passes away . I hope I can get it done . I think that when she is gone it will bring comfort to her husband . This morning it was - 2 F here at Welcome Home Farm ! It was sooo cold ! And Vet2Be is sick in bed which means that I had to do all the chores myself . I piled on the layers to keep from freezing ! T - shirt , turtleneck , two sweatshirts ( one with a hood ) , and my winter coat . Thermals , flannel pajama pants , and overalls along with wool mittens complete the winter outfit ! Oh yes , and I almost forgot to mention wool socks . This morning it was cold enough that my toes were numb when I came in from the barn . I guess I will have to put on two pairs of wool socks tomorrow . The goats gave a bit less milk today . I 'm guessing it is a combination of the cold weather and the light dwindling . We usually milk until the middle of January , giving the does 6 - 8 weeks off the milk stand before they kid . This year we will probably dry them off by the end of December , earlier if their production stays down . I don 't want to spend more time than I have to out in the cold . And it seems silly to spend money on feed when we aren 't getting the same amount back in milk . The duck water was almost frozen solid ! I couldn 't even get the ice out of the bucket , so I had to leave another bucket out for them and hope the first one thaws in the sunshine today . The frozen one is black , so there is a chance that it will thaw enough to get the ice out by this afternoon . And of course , the electric bucket that is in with the kids became unplugged during the night . Boy were they thirsty this morning ! I tied the wires into a knot again . I hope it holds this time . I hate it when animals don 't have liquid water when they need it . The bunnies had frozen water , too . We don 't have electric waterers for them , so we have to trade out water bottles morning and night for them . A few years ago we made some insulators with foam and duct tape . They worked well , but we need to make new ones this year as the old ones gave up in early spring . Too bad most of the eggs were frozen this morning . Ducks tend to lay at night or in the early morning . Usually they bury them in the straw bedding . That often keeps them from freezing . For some reason a few of the ducks decided to lay their eggs right on the snow , so I ended up throwing away eggs this morning . One more thing that kept me out a bit longer was the neighbors horse . He was out of his pen . I tried to reach my neighbor , but she must have been out for the morning . I was a bit nervous about putting him back because the foal is less than a year old , but he managed to run back in where he belonged when I got to him . I went home to get a clip to put on the gate since I could tell that he had worked the latch loose to get out . By the time I got back he already had the latch half - way open again ! Silly foal ! He is injured , too . His owner is praying that everything heals well or he will have to be put down before the new year . We are , too . He is a sweet horse and will make a good riding horse because of his temperament if his leg heals properly . If it doesn 't , he won 't be able to support his own weight let alone the weight of a rider . The furnace has been on alot today . Usually Vet2Be starts the fire and does his schooling in front of it where it is warm . I guess I will be starting the fire today . I hope it is warmer where you are ! It seems as if all of America is in the midst of winter storms today . I see a white Christmas in our future , along with a nice fire in the wood stove , hot chocolate and spiced cider to sip on , and snuggling in a cozy blanket while reading a good book . Yum ! For Thanksgiving we made homemade ice cream ! One of our Thanksgiving traditions is to make sure that everyone has their favorite dessert after Thanksgiving Dinner . Carpenter ( RN 's husband ) asked if we were going to have home made ice cream . I said , " We are now ! " We did a few things differently , just because that 's the way things worked out on Thanksgiving . We love homemade ice cream and make many batches throughout the year ! This batch turned out creamy , smooth , and surprisingly fluffy . When I froze the left overs to see what happened , I was pleasantly surprised - - it was still scoopable , as well as creamy and smooth , a week after Thanksgiving . I used the recipe that is found in the Rival Ice Cream Maker recipe book ( below ) . I made the mix the day before knowing that I wouldn 't have time to mix it up on Thanksgiving Day . I think it mixed in the ice cream maker for about 1 1 / 2 to 2 hours . When we were almost ready to eat dessert , Hubby put the salt and some more ice in the maker . In about 30 minutes it was ready and it was the BEST ice cream we have ever made . Scald milk until bubbles form around the edge . Remove from heat . Add sugar and salt . Stir until dissolved . Stir in half and half , vanilla and whipping cream . Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes . Freeze as directed . Blend milk , sugar , and salt in the blender until the sugar is dissolved . Pour into gallon container , add the rest of the ingredients and mix well . Cover and refrigerate 24 hours ( or longer ) . Put mixture into ice cream maker with ice and water only ( no salt ) . Start ice cream maker and let it mix for 1 1 / 2 - 2 hours . About 30 minutes before you want to eat the ice cream , add more ice and salt . Continue to freeze until ice cream is ready , about 30 minutes . Well , the onions are finally ready for storage . They have been drying on the patio table forever , well , it seems like forever ! I think the patio table worked out very well for drying since the top isn 't solid . I will be glad to get the table outside again ! It has been nice to have all the onions right there in the kitchen while they were drying . Every time we need an onion I go over to the table and find one that is ready to use . I didn 't realize how good home grown onions taste compared to store - bought onions ! We are finding out quite often how good something tastes when it comes from our own backyard , or the backyard of someone that we know and trust . After I got all the dried stems cut off , this is what is left . Funny , I thought I pulled many more red onions up than yellow onions . In the end , there are more yellow than red ! Tonight we went to a live Nativity in a town close by . It was wonderful . Visitors are shuttled over to two homes with barns that put this on each year . We walk up a path that is lit with Christmas lights and luminaries . Along the way we see Romans on horseback as well as shepherds and other people from Bethlehem . In the second barn was a stall set up with Mary , Joseph , and baby Jesus . As we walked into the barn , there were ' angels ' singing in the loft . Last year was the first time we went and the camel LOVED Vet2Be ! He came right over to him and snuffled him and sniffed him and wanted to be near him . I was hoping for a repeat this year , and I got it . The live Nativity was wonderful ! We enjoyed it as much this year as we did last year . I look forward to seeing people portraying Mary , Joseph , and Jesus ( yes , a real baby - - not a dolly ! ) It is one of my favorite new traditions . So peaceful , and surreal . What a wonderful way to remember the circumstances in which our Savior was born . Another month has come and gone ! I was able to finish another set of 4 quilt blocks . Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to get them done with so many other things that need to be done around here ! I am glad to be busy . I know some people who say they are bored and I can 't imagine being bored . These blocks took a bit longer to put together . It took me a bit more than two hours to sew all 4 blocks . I love the way they look in this arrangement . I 'm still not sure how I will put the final quilt together . But there is no hurry to decide , this class lasts until August 2010 ! We also had a short history lesson about pioneer wagons , wagon trains , and what the pioneers would carry with them across the plains . The thing that I had never heard of was a constitution for a wagon train . It made sense to have a plan and a contract of sorts that everyone in the party could agree to . Our homeschool kids are going to dye Christmas stockings today . I knit up 18 stockings from 100 % wool for them . Quite a stack ! I was really happy I was able to get them done . I started knitting them on Wednesday and finished stitching them together on Thursday afternoon while Vet2Be and I watched " Liberty " . The different colored yarn ties help me remember which yarn I used on which stocking . I 'm curious to see how each yarn dyes up . I used some hand - spun yarn from Green Mountain Spinnery ( red ) that I had left from a few years ago , some Patton 's wool ( orange ) , and some Knitpicks Bare Superwash Merino worsted ( pink ) . The Knitpicks yarn was the softest of the three , the Patton 's was next , and the hand - spun was the ichiest ( just in case you are wondering ) . I personally love Knitpicks yarn ! I love their service and their prices and the variety of yarns that they offer . I love their interchangeable knitting needles , too . Prion lives in a dorm with five other girls . She loved her room mates last year , but these girls just aren 't as interested in getting an education as she is , that translates into ; " They only go to class when they feel like it . " Prion is also a Sophomore this year , and the other girls are all freshmen . Last year I knit each of her room mates a miniature stocking in their favorite color . They loved them and left them hanging on the wall all year . This year Prion didn 't want me to spend as much time on the gifts for her room mates , so she asked if I would make them some goat 's milk soap . It costs a bit more than the stockings , which I can make from scraps , but it is much faster . It takes me less than 30 minutes to make a batch of soap ! Here is the soap all ready to mail to the dorms . I decided not to wrap the soap in plastic so that it would have more time to dry and harden . I didn 't have any real ribbon on hand , so I tore some fabric scraps to wrap around the soap . They make soap look festive and a bit rustic . If Prion wants to , she can tuck a piece of greenery under each ' ribbon ' . Hand - crafted goat 's milk soap is still a very nice present , and I was glad that I didn 't have to spend time knitting them all stockings . I have completed five stockings already , with 17 more underway . I hope Prion 's room mates like their gifts ! Posted by I love our comfortable chairs by the wood - stove . They are used daily in the summer as well as the winter . Hubby bought me this set of furniture about 12 years ago because they are so comfortable . The set includes a couch that is currently in the music room ( otherwise known as the " Front Room " ) . The chairs have been so well loved and so well used that on cushion developed a huge hole in the cushion . Really , it had two holes , one hole on either side of the cushion . After the first hole , I flipped the cushion over , but the other side ended up with a hole as well . So I carefully took one of the pillows apart at the seams so that I would have as much usable fabric as possible . Then I ironed the pieces and trimmed the edges even . The front and back of the pillow made very large patches for the cushion with the holes ! This is the cushion after I took it off the pillow part . You can see how large the hole is , and how much the worn part takes up ! All patched ! Because the fabric is plaid it was easy to match the patch with the cushion cover . You can see the the cushion is a bit dirty , I 'll send it through the washer another day . Recently I read that a good spouse has all the qualities of a good Boy Scout : A Scout is trustworthy , loyal , helpful , friendly , courteous , kind , obedient , cheerful , thrifty , brave , clean , and reverent . I believe them ! Repairing the cushion was my thrifty deed for the day ! Above the wood stove I have blue plates hanging from the bricks . A number of years ago I decided that I wanted something to brighten up the brick corner , but I needed something that would be easy to clean as well as something that wouldn 't mind the heat . My Aunt sent me a number of Mors Dag plates before she moved into an assisted living facility and I thought that would be a great start for brightening up the bricks ! Over the years I have collected quite a few plates . Some came from Ebay , some from yard sales , some from the thrift store , some from places we have visited , some from friends who have seen my collection . I also received a few bowls to put on the mantle as well . I don 't think that anything in the collection is worth very much money , but they are treasures to me because they bring back memories of who I was with when I got them , or who gave them to me . The coziest spot in the house ! Two comfortable chairs and some pillows covered in old wool baby blankets ( one of which belonged to my Uncle who has passed away ) . Blue plates above the stove , some wonderful antique samplers above the television , and hundreds of books just begging to be read again and again . When the fire is going we love to sit here and read or watch an old movie . Sometimes Vet2Be sleeps in front of the fire on a cold night . Sometimes I will sit here and knit . It is a snugly , comfy place that makes one feel as if the world has stopped and bestowed a moment of peace . Isn 't that what a home should be like ? A place of peace and rest , a place where you are always welcome , a place where you always feel as if you belong , and place where you know you are loved . We had a good crop of onions from the garden this year . Not much else grew because I spent so much time going back and forth to the east coast . Oh well ! We love onions ! The red onions did much better than the yellow . I have no idea why . We planted the same number of each . Perhaps it is the soil in the west , maybe the amount of water , I 'm not sure . I thought about braiding the stems , but that would take lots of time . So I have to find someone who has old stockings . I don 't wear them and so I don 't have any . Once the onions are dry , I can put them in old stockings with knots between them . I can hang them from the storage room ceiling . Then I can just cut the bottom onion off whenever I need one for cooking . Yum ! I mixed the chevre I made over the last two days with salt and some herbs and it is delicious ! I can hardly believe that I made something that tastes soooo good . I wish I lived closer to my family so I could share with them , they would all love it , too . Here it is all ready to bring to Thanksgiving Dinner ! I added 3 / 4 teaspoon Sea Salt , 1 teaspoon Basil , 1 / 2 teaspoon Thyme , 3 / 4 teaspoon Garlic powder . It is so delicious that I doubt any will come home from Thanksgiving Dinner tonight . Yesterday I started some Chevre for Thanksgiving . I am always trying to figure out better ways to drain the cheese . Trying to pour the whey into the cheesecloth is sometimes a bit sloppy . This seems to be the best way yet . I have a spaghetti pot that is tall and narrow . One of my wire strainers fit right into the opening . Then I lay a piece of butter muslin over the strainer . I let the cheese drain for a while until I stop hearing constant dripping . Here is what the strainer looks like sitting right in the spaghetti pot opening . I love how the strainer fits into the top of the pot perfectly ! As if they were made to fit together for this job . Two things that make the spaghetti pot great for draining cheese is the narrow opening and the deep pot . The narrow opening allows me to use a strainer and dowels across the top . The deep pot allows the cheese drain for hours without having to check it often . If the pot is too shallow it fills up with whey quickly and then the cheese sits in the whey until I remember to take a peek at it . My favorite chevre starter is found here ( at New England Cheesemaking Supply ) . I love the flavor ! It is perfect by itself , makes a great cheese for Chocolate Cheesecake Truffles , and is wonderful when it is mixed with herbs for a cracker spread . We live in a wonderful town surrounded by great neighbors who don 't mind us having a hobby farm . We have 5 children , 4 are grown , 2 are married , 1 in college , 1 in graduate school , and 1 teenager ( Vet2Be ) at home . Our youngest son , Vet2Be , wants to be a veterinarian , so we have a farm that includes : dairy goats , chickens , ducks , sheep , a steer , and turkeys . View my complete profile |
Enjoy the tid - bits of our everyday life : dairy goats , sheep , poultry , beekeeping , gardening , cheese making , spinning and knitting , quilting , and soap making . We 're not experts , but we are willing to give almost anything a try ! We 're learning something new everyday - - drop by once in a while and see what we 've learned today ! Tipsy , just barely opening one eye so she can see what we are all giggling about . It is so comforting to see all the animals so comfortable in front of the fire . It just seems to say , " All is right with the world ! " Here is Cookie , Queen of the Chair ! She never wants to share the chair , she is either there by herself , or off she goes ! She is actually a very sweet cat , but she really doesn 't like to share ' her ' chair ! Well , not all the animals like spending time in front of the fire . This is Stinky ( yes , that is really her name ! ) and she is sitting on her favorite house in the Christmas Village . We find her here quite often , especially when the village is lit . I think the light makes the village house a warm spot for her to sit . Time to sit for a while out of the snow . For the last week or so the turkey with the pretty feathers has been pretty friendly . We don 't know what 's wrong with her , but she doesn 't mind when we pick her up or corner her . Maybe she figured out the number one rule on the farm : Be nice or be tasty , and decided that she would like to be nice . They are still on the farm because they really weren 't big enough for dinner yet . They are so fun to watch ! Some days they are on top of the barn , too ! One of the trees on the square is lit with 1 , 500 strands of red lights with 50 lights per strand - that 's 75 , 000 lights on one tree ! I also noticed this year that some of the trees had the newer LED lights . I imagine that they will replace the regular lights with LEDs over the next few year . There are probably one million lights throughout the display . A beautiful and serene place to walk at night surrounded by beautiful music and wonderful reminders of the life of Christ . The lights were beautiful ! You can see in the photos that it was snowing lightly . It was a bit chilly , about 23 degrees , but that is much warmer than the 7 degrees we ' enjoyed ' last night ! Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car . She pushed her way into the car , dragged her two kids in with her , and all the bags of stuff . When the doors closed she couldn 't take it anymore and stated , " Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found , strung up , and shot . " Here are a few photos of Christmas around our house this year . It is the same almost every year , set up just this way . This year we have a live tree and it is huge ! Usually we have the artificial tree because some trees make my allergies act up . No problems this year ! The Nativity . My favorite part . On the chest in the front room . I love this little ' forest in a basket ' that I put together last year . One of these days I want to find a miniature log cabin Christmas ornament to put in among the pines . The Wreath on the front door . I made this many years ago and I still love it . I need to replace the grapes , though because they are starting to peel from being in the weather . The Nutcrackers . One of our sons is in Mexico for two years . This is his collection and we have put it up each Christmas that he has been gone . The Tree ! Yes , it is tall ! Our neighbor brought it for us and he had to chop 2 feet off the top to get it to stand up . It touches the ceiling and Hubby hasn 't had time to lash the star to the top . It has been great fun to have such a huge tree ! I wish . . . " He hesitated . Of course Paul knew what he was going to wish for . He was going to wish he had a brother like that . But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels . " Oh yes , I 'd love that . " After a short ride , the boy turned and with his eyes aglow , said , " Mister , would you mind driving in front of my house ? " Paul smiled a little . He thought he knew what the lad wanted . He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile . But Paul was wrong again . " Will you stop where those two steps are ? " the boy asked . He ran up the steps . Then in a little while Paul heard him coming back , but he was not coming fast . He was carrying his little crippled brother . He sat him down on the bottom step , then sort of squeezed up against him and pointed to the car . " There she is , Buddy , just like I told you upstairs . His brother gave it to him for Christmas and it didn 't cost him a cent . And some day I 'm gonna give you one just like it . . . then you can see for yourself all the pretty things in the Christmas windows that I 've been trying to tell you about . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Our family has been blessed this year . We have enough of everything . We have tried so hard to think of gifts for each other , but no one really wants anything ! We have everything we need . There are a few little gifts under the tree . But nothing much . We are looking forward to speaking with our son whom we haven 't seen for two year ( he has been in Mexico ) . We will see him in January when he comes home . Perhaps on the 26th we will drive into the city to see the lights and spend some time together . Spunky will be working on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day . She and Carpenter don 't have children and she wants the other nurses to have the chance to be with their families on Christmas . She does this every year . She always takes Thanksgiving off because she likes spending time with her family - - but she says that Christmas is a magical day when you have children and she wants her co - workers to have the chance to be there . It will be a quiet Christmas . I am sure I will be spending the time reflecting on the Great Gift that was given to us by our Heavenly Father , His Only Begotten Son . How precious is that thought . How sublime and awe - inspiring is that one Gift , nothing else can compare . Vet2Be was asked to be a part of a live Nativity that was scheduled for last night . They asked him to play the part of a shepherd and bring his sheep . They provided the costume and the pen for the sheep . Good thing our sheep are so friendly because the ' pen ' was a wire dog run that was set on the driveway . We loaded up Blackie and Whitie ( not very imaginative names ! ) and drove them to the next town , about 15 minutes away . They were a big hit ! Blackie is so friendly and loves people to pet him . Whitie hates having his horns touched , so he was often on the other side of the pen . There were a few people that Whitie liked , though , and he stood there while they pet his cheeks . The Nativity also included two camels , two Nubian goats , and two chickens . It was a small set up , not like the Nativity we visited in early December . But the people were very friendly and it was only from 6 pm until 8 pm . Vet2Be has been very sick this last week so it was hard for him to last the two hours , plus the hour before and the 30 minutes after as we transported the sheep and then did chores in the evening . He was in bed by 9 pm ! It was fun to be part of something like this and not just be visitors . The thought came to me that this Nativity is the reason why we have Blackie and why he is so friendly and loves people . He was the perfect sheep for last night . Just the kind of animal you would expect to be near the baby Jesus . Yesterday I tried to ' catch up ' on things . I didn 't really catch up on anything at all ! I spend most of the day compiling Christmas stories for Hubby . He loves Christmas stories and a few years ago I compiled many into a book for him . I made many copies that year to give away to friends and family and made sure that there was one for him . He , kind soul that he is , gave away his copy last year ! Unfortunately , over the past few years we have gotten new computers and programs . That is wonderful , but it made the original file unreadable so I decided to compile the stories again . I 'm sure there are many more stories in the booklet this time than there were last time . However , last time there was at least one picture for each story . I was able to print it on a color laser printer and it turned out very nicely ! This time , no color laser printer , and no pictures . I am sure that I could put pictures in , but Hubby doesn 't really care if there are pictures or not , so I didn 't worry about the pictures this time . There are 91 pages of stories , if I had included pictures I would probably have added another 10 or more pages ! The rest of the day I spent cleaning at Spunky and Carpenter 's house . They are gone for the week and I have been checking on Charlie , the cat , and their two birds . Suri ( the grand - puppy ) has been staying with us . She is very good and gets along well with our two dogs . Spunky has been so busy lately studying for her clinical exam and her boards that her house was a bit messy . When she and her husband left for some much needed R & R , I decided to spend a little time cleaning up for them . She and her husband are always good to help us out whenever we need it , I love to do little things like this for them when I can . It is always nice to come home to a cleaner house and clean sheets ! It 's not spotless , but at least the dishes are washed , clean sheets are on the bed , the garbage is taken out , the stove top is clean , the kitchen is swept , and the carpets are vacuumed . I even left a vase with some carnations on their kitchen counter . For the many years he had been a shepherd , it had always been Ishma 's custom to sit down and eat his lunch when the sun was high overhead , and then rest for a while . But never had he so much as dozed for a moment , until one day he did fall asleep . It was for only a minute or two - he could tell that by his shadow - but when he opened his eyes the little black lamb stood before him . When he saw it , Ishma cried out and beat his breast , for it was well known in the Judean hills that a black lamb is the omen of bad luck . Many a whispering plainsman had told of how , when such an outcast was born in the field , the heartless shepherd hid it under his cloak and took it to the hills to die . In the first place , it was always going astray , and then Ishma would have to leave his flock and roam the valleys and hills until he found it . And he could not count the times it made a false step and fell into a crevice so that he would have to pull it out with his crook , only to find it bruised and bleeding . To be sure , he would anoint its wounds with oil , but not always without complaining . The little black lamb would bleat so pitifully , Ishma would be filled with remorse , and remembering his promise , he would gather the lamb in his arms and comfort it . Then the little black lamb would lay its head on Ishma 's shoulder and go to sleep like a tired child . And , as if going astray and making false steps were not enough , it hadn 't the slightest sense about grazing . Even the youngest lamb in Ishma 's flock knew that sheep graze in one direction , and follow a leader . But not the little black lamb ! Whenever Ishma looked back , all he could see was a black tail , and time after time he would run back to pick up the lamb and turn it around . " Follow the leader , you stupid one ! " he would shout . The little balck lamb would hang its head in shame . And because he was ashamed too for breaking his promis again , Ishma would reach down and stroke the lamb gently . " Never mind , little one , " he would say . " Some day I think you will learn to go the right way . The trouble is all with me , I have not patience . Together we shall learn - you and I , patience . " Then came the day Ishma was never to forget . The little black lamb did not go astray once , but whenever Ishma looked back , he could see a black head nibbling contentedly in the green pastures . Sometimes the lamb would look up at Ishma as if to say , " You see , I am learning to go the right way . " And so when nightfall came , Ishma led his flock to a little hill and they lay down to rest . But he took the little black lamb in his arms and held it against his breast . " Forgive me , my little friend , " he whispered , " for all the times I have been impatient and scolded you , and called you stupid . Today you were so well behaved , I thought you must be sick . But your eyes are bright , and your little nose is as cool as the still waters where you refresh yourself each day . So I know you are not sick , but that at last you are learning to go the right way . " But the little black lamb was not listening . It had fallen fast asleep . Ishma smiled to himself . " I suppose , " he thought , " being so well behaved is enough to tire one as small as you . I , too , am tired and must sleep . But how I wish I could stay awake and watch this night . For never have the stars seemed as bright , and never have the heavens declared the glory of God with such splendor . " How long he slept he did not know . It was the little black lamb pawing him gently that wakened Ishma . He sat up and rubbed his eyes , for there was a strange light . Below on the plains he could see shepherds in the distance hurrying toward Bethlehem . Hiding the lamb under his cloak , Ishma jumped to his feet and hurried after them , marveling at the lightness of his step and the speed with which he ran . " Oh , Ishma , " he cried excitedly . " we were watching our flocks when a strange light appeared and frightened us , but an angel came and told us not to be afraid . He said that a Savior was born in the City of David , and that we should find Him , a Baby , in swaddling clothes , lying in a manger . " The boy stopped to catch his breath . " You will scarcely believe what I have to say , Ishma , but it is true ! We found a young mother and her newborn Son in the stable of the Inn . Such a beautiful child you have never seen ! And to think of the shame of nothing but a manger with straw for a bed . And what is even worse , we came in such haste not one of us thought to bring a gift . Do you have something , Ishma , if nothing more than a bright stone in your pocket to give the baby ? " " Yes , yes , " he said joyfully , " I just remembered . I do have a present after all . Come let us go and give it to the Baby . " The stockings were a hit ! The kids loved dying them and I thought I would post the results here . I was very glad that I tied a bit of yarn to each stocking to be able to tell how each yarn dyed . The Superwash Bare from KnitPicks picked up the color the very best , as you can see in the photos . All the stockings soaking in a bucket . I put them in to soak the night before so I wouldn 't have to remember to do it in the morning . The kids squished out the excess water , then put the stocking between layers of an old towel . They stepped on the towel to get the excess water out of the stocking . Two of the girls wanted to help mix the Kool Aid into the water . We used 4 packages of Kool Aid in one condiment bottle . I forgot to remind them to wash their hands when they were done . We found out when we saw colored finger prints on the undyed stockings as they were choosing which one they were going to dye . Moral : Wash your hands well after you mix the dye ! Un - dyed stocking ready to go ! The table is covered with plastic garbage bags that have been cut along one side and across the bottom . Those were taped to the table to protect the table top . We used paper towels under the stockings to catch any excess dye . Then we let the kids get creative ! We instructed them to not squeeze the bottle hard or we would end up with dye everywhere . This little guy was wonderful ! He was soooo careful ! CutiePie having a great time ! She is so creative and loves working with textiles ! Here is one stocking almost done . Next we put the stocking on a paper plate and microwaved it on high for two minutes . Here is a closer look at the stocking after it was microwaved . The last step is to rinse the stocking in cold water to make sure that all the excess dye is gone . With Kool Aid , it has usually all absorbed with the first microwaving . Once in a while we will have to ' nuke ' it again . Then let it dry on the paper plate or a paper towel . Don 't hang to dry or it will stretch out . If you are dying a hank of yarn , then it is best to hang it , but don 't hang projects that are already knitted . You can see that some of the stockings turned out more pastel and others turned out brighter . The same dye ( Kool Aid ) was used by everyone . The difference is the yarn . The ones that are bright colored are KnitPicks Superwash Merino wool , the pastel colored stockings are knit with Patton 's Wool ( Winter White before it was dyed ) . Here is a photo of another Comfort shawl I made . It had been sitting on my sewing table for two or three weeks . I just couldn 't seem to get it in a box and mailed to my sister 's church . I included a poem , too , since this was from me to someone I know . I found the poem here . Scroll down until you find " Prayer For Comfort " by Cathleen O ' Meara Murth , DW . She loved it . And it was more meaningful when she learned that I hand knit it , instead of machine knitting it . I was concerned about the color , but it was the only shaw I had finished . When I got to her home , she was very happy with the color since it matched the couches in their front room . Every day I learn how much our Heavenly Father has things planned out in advance , how he knows each one of us individually , and how much he loves and cares for each one of us . I see it in the little things , tender mercies every day . I wish I had two done , one for her and one for her mother . I 'm working on another , but I 'm not sure if I will get it done before my friend 's mother passes away . I hope I can get it done . I think that when she is gone it will bring comfort to her husband . This morning it was - 2 F here at Welcome Home Farm ! It was sooo cold ! And Vet2Be is sick in bed which means that I had to do all the chores myself . I piled on the layers to keep from freezing ! T - shirt , turtleneck , two sweatshirts ( one with a hood ) , and my winter coat . Thermals , flannel pajama pants , and overalls along with wool mittens complete the winter outfit ! Oh yes , and I almost forgot to mention wool socks . This morning it was cold enough that my toes were numb when I came in from the barn . I guess I will have to put on two pairs of wool socks tomorrow . The goats gave a bit less milk today . I 'm guessing it is a combination of the cold weather and the light dwindling . We usually milk until the middle of January , giving the does 6 - 8 weeks off the milk stand before they kid . This year we will probably dry them off by the end of December , earlier if their production stays down . I don 't want to spend more time than I have to out in the cold . And it seems silly to spend money on feed when we aren 't getting the same amount back in milk . The duck water was almost frozen solid ! I couldn 't even get the ice out of the bucket , so I had to leave another bucket out for them and hope the first one thaws in the sunshine today . The frozen one is black , so there is a chance that it will thaw enough to get the ice out by this afternoon . And of course , the electric bucket that is in with the kids became unplugged during the night . Boy were they thirsty this morning ! I tied the wires into a knot again . I hope it holds this time . I hate it when animals don 't have liquid water when they need it . The bunnies had frozen water , too . We don 't have electric waterers for them , so we have to trade out water bottles morning and night for them . A few years ago we made some insulators with foam and duct tape . They worked well , but we need to make new ones this year as the old ones gave up in early spring . Too bad most of the eggs were frozen this morning . Ducks tend to lay at night or in the early morning . Usually they bury them in the straw bedding . That often keeps them from freezing . For some reason a few of the ducks decided to lay their eggs right on the snow , so I ended up throwing away eggs this morning . One more thing that kept me out a bit longer was the neighbors horse . He was out of his pen . I tried to reach my neighbor , but she must have been out for the morning . I was a bit nervous about putting him back because the foal is less than a year old , but he managed to run back in where he belonged when I got to him . I went home to get a clip to put on the gate since I could tell that he had worked the latch loose to get out . By the time I got back he already had the latch half - way open again ! Silly foal ! He is injured , too . His owner is praying that everything heals well or he will have to be put down before the new year . We are , too . He is a sweet horse and will make a good riding horse because of his temperament if his leg heals properly . If it doesn 't , he won 't be able to support his own weight let alone the weight of a rider . The furnace has been on alot today . Usually Vet2Be starts the fire and does his schooling in front of it where it is warm . I guess I will be starting the fire today . I hope it is warmer where you are ! It seems as if all of America is in the midst of winter storms today . I see a white Christmas in our future , along with a nice fire in the wood stove , hot chocolate and spiced cider to sip on , and snuggling in a cozy blanket while reading a good book . Yum ! For Thanksgiving we made homemade ice cream ! One of our Thanksgiving traditions is to make sure that everyone has their favorite dessert after Thanksgiving Dinner . Carpenter ( RN 's husband ) asked if we were going to have home made ice cream . I said , " We are now ! " We did a few things differently , just because that 's the way things worked out on Thanksgiving . We love homemade ice cream and make many batches throughout the year ! This batch turned out creamy , smooth , and surprisingly fluffy . When I froze the left overs to see what happened , I was pleasantly surprised - - it was still scoopable , as well as creamy and smooth , a week after Thanksgiving . I used the recipe that is found in the Rival Ice Cream Maker recipe book ( below ) . I made the mix the day before knowing that I wouldn 't have time to mix it up on Thanksgiving Day . I think it mixed in the ice cream maker for about 1 1 / 2 to 2 hours . When we were almost ready to eat dessert , Hubby put the salt and some more ice in the maker . In about 30 minutes it was ready and it was the BEST ice cream we have ever made . Scald milk until bubbles form around the edge . Remove from heat . Add sugar and salt . Stir until dissolved . Stir in half and half , vanilla and whipping cream . Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes . Freeze as directed . Blend milk , sugar , and salt in the blender until the sugar is dissolved . Pour into gallon container , add the rest of the ingredients and mix well . Cover and refrigerate 24 hours ( or longer ) . Put mixture into ice cream maker with ice and water only ( no salt ) . Start ice cream maker and let it mix for 1 1 / 2 - 2 hours . About 30 minutes before you want to eat the ice cream , add more ice and salt . Continue to freeze until ice cream is ready , about 30 minutes . Well , the onions are finally ready for storage . They have been drying on the patio table forever , well , it seems like forever ! I think the patio table worked out very well for drying since the top isn 't solid . I will be glad to get the table outside again ! It has been nice to have all the onions right there in the kitchen while they were drying . Every time we need an onion I go over to the table and find one that is ready to use . I didn 't realize how good home grown onions taste compared to store - bought onions ! We are finding out quite often how good something tastes when it comes from our own backyard , or the backyard of someone that we know and trust . After I got all the dried stems cut off , this is what is left . Funny , I thought I pulled many more red onions up than yellow onions . In the end , there are more yellow than red ! Tonight we went to a live Nativity in a town close by . It was wonderful . Visitors are shuttled over to two homes with barns that put this on each year . We walk up a path that is lit with Christmas lights and luminaries . Along the way we see Romans on horseback as well as shepherds and other people from Bethlehem . In the second barn was a stall set up with Mary , Joseph , and baby Jesus . As we walked into the barn , there were ' angels ' singing in the loft . Last year was the first time we went and the camel LOVED Vet2Be ! He came right over to him and snuffled him and sniffed him and wanted to be near him . I was hoping for a repeat this year , and I got it . The live Nativity was wonderful ! We enjoyed it as much this year as we did last year . I look forward to seeing people portraying Mary , Joseph , and Jesus ( yes , a real baby - - not a dolly ! ) It is one of my favorite new traditions . So peaceful , and surreal . What a wonderful way to remember the circumstances in which our Savior was born . Another month has come and gone ! I was able to finish another set of 4 quilt blocks . Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to get them done with so many other things that need to be done around here ! I am glad to be busy . I know some people who say they are bored and I can 't imagine being bored . These blocks took a bit longer to put together . It took me a bit more than two hours to sew all 4 blocks . I love the way they look in this arrangement . I 'm still not sure how I will put the final quilt together . But there is no hurry to decide , this class lasts until August 2010 ! We also had a short history lesson about pioneer wagons , wagon trains , and what the pioneers would carry with them across the plains . The thing that I had never heard of was a constitution for a wagon train . It made sense to have a plan and a contract of sorts that everyone in the party could agree to . Our homeschool kids are going to dye Christmas stockings today . I knit up 18 stockings from 100 % wool for them . Quite a stack ! I was really happy I was able to get them done . I started knitting them on Wednesday and finished stitching them together on Thursday afternoon while Vet2Be and I watched " Liberty " . The different colored yarn ties help me remember which yarn I used on which stocking . I 'm curious to see how each yarn dyes up . I used some hand - spun yarn from Green Mountain Spinnery ( red ) that I had left from a few years ago , some Patton 's wool ( orange ) , and some Knitpicks Bare Superwash Merino worsted ( pink ) . The Knitpicks yarn was the softest of the three , the Patton 's was next , and the hand - spun was the ichiest ( just in case you are wondering ) . I personally love Knitpicks yarn ! I love their service and their prices and the variety of yarns that they offer . I love their interchangeable knitting needles , too . Prion lives in a dorm with five other girls . She loved her room mates last year , but these girls just aren 't as interested in getting an education as she is , that translates into ; " They only go to class when they feel like it . " Prion is also a Sophomore this year , and the other girls are all freshmen . Last year I knit each of her room mates a miniature stocking in their favorite color . They loved them and left them hanging on the wall all year . This year Prion didn 't want me to spend as much time on the gifts for her room mates , so she asked if I would make them some goat 's milk soap . It costs a bit more than the stockings , which I can make from scraps , but it is much faster . It takes me less than 30 minutes to make a batch of soap ! Here is the soap all ready to mail to the dorms . I decided not to wrap the soap in plastic so that it would have more time to dry and harden . I didn 't have any real ribbon on hand , so I tore some fabric scraps to wrap around the soap . They make soap look festive and a bit rustic . If Prion wants to , she can tuck a piece of greenery under each ' ribbon ' . Hand - crafted goat 's milk soap is still a very nice present , and I was glad that I didn 't have to spend time knitting them all stockings . I have completed five stockings already , with 17 more underway . I hope Prion 's room mates like their gifts ! Posted by I love our comfortable chairs by the wood - stove . They are used daily in the summer as well as the winter . Hubby bought me this set of furniture about 12 years ago because they are so comfortable . The set includes a couch that is currently in the music room ( otherwise known as the " Front Room " ) . The chairs have been so well loved and so well used that on cushion developed a huge hole in the cushion . Really , it had two holes , one hole on either side of the cushion . After the first hole , I flipped the cushion over , but the other side ended up with a hole as well . So I carefully took one of the pillows apart at the seams so that I would have as much usable fabric as possible . Then I ironed the pieces and trimmed the edges even . The front and back of the pillow made very large patches for the cushion with the holes ! This is the cushion after I took it off the pillow part . You can see how large the hole is , and how much the worn part takes up ! All patched ! Because the fabric is plaid it was easy to match the patch with the cushion cover . You can see the the cushion is a bit dirty , I 'll send it through the washer another day . Recently I read that a good spouse has all the qualities of a good Boy Scout : A Scout is trustworthy , loyal , helpful , friendly , courteous , kind , obedient , cheerful , thrifty , brave , clean , and reverent . I believe them ! Repairing the cushion was my thrifty deed for the day ! Above the wood stove I have blue plates hanging from the bricks . A number of years ago I decided that I wanted something to brighten up the brick corner , but I needed something that would be easy to clean as well as something that wouldn 't mind the heat . My Aunt sent me a number of Mors Dag plates before she moved into an assisted living facility and I thought that would be a great start for brightening up the bricks ! Over the years I have collected quite a few plates . Some came from Ebay , some from yard sales , some from the thrift store , some from places we have visited , some from friends who have seen my collection . I also received a few bowls to put on the mantle as well . I don 't think that anything in the collection is worth very much money , but they are treasures to me because they bring back memories of who I was with when I got them , or who gave them to me . The coziest spot in the house ! Two comfortable chairs and some pillows covered in old wool baby blankets ( one of which belonged to my Uncle who has passed away ) . Blue plates above the stove , some wonderful antique samplers above the television , and hundreds of books just begging to be read again and again . When the fire is going we love to sit here and read or watch an old movie . Sometimes Vet2Be sleeps in front of the fire on a cold night . Sometimes I will sit here and knit . It is a snugly , comfy place that makes one feel as if the world has stopped and bestowed a moment of peace . Isn 't that what a home should be like ? A place of peace and rest , a place where you are always welcome , a place where you always feel as if you belong , and place where you know you are loved . We had a good crop of onions from the garden this year . Not much else grew because I spent so much time going back and forth to the east coast . Oh well ! We love onions ! The red onions did much better than the yellow . I have no idea why . We planted the same number of each . Perhaps it is the soil in the west , maybe the amount of water , I 'm not sure . I thought about braiding the stems , but that would take lots of time . So I have to find someone who has old stockings . I don 't wear them and so I don 't have any . Once the onions are dry , I can put them in old stockings with knots between them . I can hang them from the storage room ceiling . Then I can just cut the bottom onion off whenever I need one for cooking . Yum ! I mixed the chevre I made over the last two days with salt and some herbs and it is delicious ! I can hardly believe that I made something that tastes soooo good . I wish I lived closer to my family so I could share with them , they would all love it , too . Here it is all ready to bring to Thanksgiving Dinner ! I added 3 / 4 teaspoon Sea Salt , 1 teaspoon Basil , 1 / 2 teaspoon Thyme , 3 / 4 teaspoon Garlic powder . It is so delicious that I doubt any will come home from Thanksgiving Dinner tonight . Yesterday I started some Chevre for Thanksgiving . I am always trying to figure out better ways to drain the cheese . Trying to pour the whey into the cheesecloth is sometimes a bit sloppy . This seems to be the best way yet . I have a spaghetti pot that is tall and narrow . One of my wire strainers fit right into the opening . Then I lay a piece of butter muslin over the strainer . I let the cheese drain for a while until I stop hearing constant dripping . Here is what the strainer looks like sitting right in the spaghetti pot opening . I love how the strainer fits into the top of the pot perfectly ! As if they were made to fit together for this job . Two things that make the spaghetti pot great for draining cheese is the narrow opening and the deep pot . The narrow opening allows me to use a strainer and dowels across the top . The deep pot allows the cheese drain for hours without having to check it often . If the pot is too shallow it fills up with whey quickly and then the cheese sits in the whey until I remember to take a peek at it . My favorite chevre starter is found here ( at New England Cheesemaking Supply ) . I love the flavor ! It is perfect by itself , makes a great cheese for Chocolate Cheesecake Truffles , and is wonderful when it is mixed with herbs for a cracker spread . We live in a wonderful town surrounded by great neighbors who don 't mind us having a hobby farm . We have 5 children , 4 are grown , 2 are married , 1 in college , 1 in graduate school , and 1 teenager ( Vet2Be ) at home . Our youngest son , Vet2Be , wants to be a veterinarian , so we have a farm that includes : dairy goats , chickens , ducks , sheep , a steer , and turkeys . View my complete profile |
See , when I wrote The Winter Courtship Rituals of Fur - Bearing Critters that was supposed to be one in any number of novellas with a knitting theme . The only problem was that I had to actually write a pattern for each novella , and as I discovered with Super Sock Man , writing the actual pattern and knitting the product took more time than writing the novella ! However , when I 'm knitting for friends and family , I often have go - to patterns - simple patterns that I 've modified and made my own and knit from memory . One of my all - time favorite go - to patterns is the fingerless - mitt ( which actually seems really silly to say , I can 't explain why , and I can 't think of anything better to call it ! ) Anyway , the fingerless - mitt is one of my favorite things . I have half - a - zillion pairs floating around my house ( literally half - a - zillion , since none of them match ! ) and when it gets cold , and it 's late at night , and I 'm working , I slide a pair of those babies on , and I can still type , but my hands are covered and my fingers are oh - so - much less achy and uncomfortable . Making a pair of those for a fellow writer seemed like a kindness - he too could share in the fingerless - mitt secret , and type late at night without aching fingers , right ? So that 's what I did . Instead of inventing a whole new pattern for the upcoming novella , I made Andrew something warm and comforting , something I knew he 'd use , and I typed up THAT pattern , in a thousand sizes , and had my daughters model them , including the pair I made for Andrew . That 's the pattern in How to Raise an Honest Rabbit , and that 's why I chose mittens and the thing Aiden makes Jeremy when he 's courting ( or , more aptly , " gentling " ) Jeremy into a relationship . My friend asked me for a gift , and I wanted to give him comfort and warmth . It was perfect ! That 's actually why knitters are constantly foisting their wares on the unsuspecting , by the way . We 're constantly thinking about what we want to give - really want to give - the people we care about . We want to give comfort and warmth - figuratively , of course . I can 't hug my children all day ( well , I 've tried - they wiggle ) and I can 't follow them everywhere they go , either . ( I 've been to first grade . I passed . Really , why go back ? ) So I knit for them , if they 'll let me . One of my nicest moments was when my daughter asked me to make her a sweater for her before she went away to college . It 's not done ( and I just got back from dropping her off ! ) and when it is done , it 's going to be Sherpa - grade toast - your - insides - till - they 're - melty insulation ( which I understand you need in San Diego , right ? ) but , by golly , that child is going to have wool - clad PROOF that her mama loves her . And was thinking about her with every stitch . That 's why I knit for people I love . And that 's why I was overjoyed when Andrew told me that he lurved his brand new fingerless - mitts ! Andrew 's just one of those people who deserves knitting , you know ? 2 Comments » I just received the covers for Burnished by Fire and A Slice of Love . Both of these stories are being released in the next couple months . For the blurb and a detailed release date , please check the Coming Soon Page of my web site for details . I try to keep that up to date with all the latest information . Leave a Comment » Yesterday I attended a conference hosted by the Maryland Romance Writer 's chapter of Romance Writer 's of America . The conference centered around editors and what was behind the submission page . In other words what are editors really looking for . Three editors spoke to the group , one form Carina Press , One form The Wild Rose Press , and One from Entanbled Publishing . All three editors did a great job explaining what they were looking for and how their businesses worked . The one thing I was msot impressed with was how candid and forthright the editors were . All three presses were very different , Carlina with its links to Harlequin , Wild Rose , a small , home grown press , and Entangled with its immovative business model . All three had advantages and all three had disadvantages . The important thing was to learn what each publisher expected so each author coudl go into their dealing with them informed and with their eyes open . 2 Comments » Shared Revelations was just released by Dreamspinner Press ! ! ! ! When I was writing this story I swear I was channeling my dear friend and wonderful authior Amy Lane . I really hope you like it ! ! ! It 's the sixties , but that doesn 't mean it 's easy to be different . Eddie Baronski spent his high school years looking out for his partially deaf friend , Jack Emmons . Now that they 've graduated , they spend their free time at Green Bay 's newly renamed Lambeau Field , taking in the practices . Jack was the unfortunate one in the group , even if his family had money . When they were kids , Jack had had a difficult time hearing , and as he 'd gotten older , he 'd been able to hear less and less . The other kids had picked on him mercilessly , but he never heard half of it anyway . He wore hearing aids that sometimes whistled , and in a group like this , he often turned them off because the ambient noise drove him totally crazy . Jack was also the closest person to a brother Eddie had . When the other kids had teased him , it was Eddie who 'd taken them on . Sometimes he 'd won and sometimes he hadn 't , but once they became friends , no one picked on Jack with impunity . And that extended even to now . Jack was his brother in every way that counted . Eddie was an only child , and while Jack had older brothers and sisters , he was his parents ' " late in life baby , " and the other kids had been nearly out of the house by the time he and Eddie had met in junior high . " Hey , " Donny griped , rubbing the back of his head , but Eddie simply glared at him before turning his attention to the field . The guys were running play after play , practicing for the game in a few weeks . His friends all liked Bart Starr and thought he was the cat 's meow , but Eddie watched Johnny Grant . He wasn 't one of the stars of the team , but for some reason Eddie could always pick him out of the group of players , his eyes gravitated toward Grant wherever he was on the field . Eddie knew damned well why , but he tried not to admit the truth , even to himself , because after watching an hour of practice , Eddie would have to shift in his seat a few times to hide the wood he was sporting . There was no way he could admit what he was feeling to anyone in the world . But his eyes rarely left the field as he watched Johnny run plays with the other guys . " Bart 's doing great , " Skip said from next to him , pointing out the star of the team , and Eddie nodded , agreeing silently as he watched his own star on the field . But what he thought he loved most were the tight pants and the way Johnny kept bending over all the time . Every now and then Johnny 's practice uniform would ride up , giving Eddie the fleetingest glimpse of skin before the shirt fell back into place . Eddie knew he was being completely ridiculous , and he knew nothing could ever come of his infatuation . And for God 's sake , no one on earth could ever know how another guy made him want things he could never have . " It 's getting late , " Skip said . " Dad wants me back at the store by seven , so I gotta go . " " Okay , Mr . Whipple , " Skip quipped , jumping out of the way before Eddie could take a swipe at him . " Don 't squeeze the Charmin . " Skip hurried away and up the stairs with Donny right behind him . Once they were gone , Jack moved over , and Eddie noticed him fiddling with his hearing aids . " Is it better now ? " Eddie asked , and Jack nodded slowly as he continued to watch the men on the field . The practice wouldn 't go on for much longer . It was starting to get dark , and while they could work out under the lights , Eddie figured they 'd already been practicing for hours . Sure enough , before he could say anything to Jack , the men started walking to the sidelines , gathering their stuff and headed into what Eddie knew was the entrance to the locker room . Jack stood , and Eddie did as well , and both of them walked up the stadium seats and through the empty corridors , their footsteps echoing off the walls until they reached the outside . " Were you able to get tickets to the game next Sunday ? " Jack asked as they passed by George in his booth . " No . I can 't afford them . You ? " Eddie asked , and Jack shook his head . Both of them were lucky if they got to go to an actual game once a year , and some years they weren 't able to swing that since tickets were just that scarce . They both said good - bye to George , and he waved at them as they passed . Jack walked across the parking lot to where the old car his mother had given him was parked . They called the old Cadillac " the Boat , " because the thing was huge and rode like a land yacht . " I 'll see you tomorrow , " Eddie called , and Jack continued walking toward his car . He knew Jack hadn 't heard him . Jack had told him that even with the hearing aids , according to the doctors , his hearing would continue to get worse , and in the next few years , he wouldn 't be able to hear anything at all . Eventually Jack turned around , and Eddie saw him wave . He returned it and watched Jack get into the car , and heard the engine start before his friend drove away . Eddie walked to where he 'd left his bike , got on , and pedaled twice before he realized the bike didn 't feel right . Stopping , he looked down and saw that his back tire was totally flat . " Damn it , " he swore and walked the bike back to the rack . The parking lot was empty when he looked around . Eddie returned to George 's booth , but he was gone too , the gate and doors locked up tight and the only phone around was in the closed guard booth . Eddie had no idea how he was going to get home except to walk . Figuring he had no other choice , Eddie started walking . At least it was still warm , and along the way he could probably find a pay phone to call his dad . Eddie fished in his pockets to come up with a nickel and remembered he had one tucked in the corner of his wallet . Sighing loudly , he headed toward the road on the far side of the parking lot . Headlights shone around him , and Eddie turned as a car moved in his direction and pulled up close , the convertible top down . Eddie could hear the radio playing . He noticed the deep - red paint and white scoops along the side of the impressive sports car before he saw the man driving it - Johnny Grant , in the incredibly handsome flesh . " Is something wrong ? " he asked in a deep , rich voice that sounded like Eddie 's mother 's hot chocolate felt in the middle of winter . Eddie hesitated for a split second before sliding down the plush seat and closing the door . " Thank you , I appreciate the lift . " He thought about asking to take his bike , but Johnny giving him a ride was favor enough . " We 're all big fans , but can 't afford tickets very often . My dad knows someone who knows the coach , so we get to watch the practices . The guard at the gate lets us in . " They stopped at the corner , and the air in the car got real still . Eddie got a nose full of Johnny 's rich , herbal scent , mixed with a hint of soap . He wanted to lean closer and inhale deep , but he stared ahead . Damn , he was just inches from the man who gave him wood just from thinking about him . Thankfully he 'd left his shirt untucked , so he could use it to cover the huge woody he was sporting right now . " Eddie , " he supplied . " Straight up Military to Dousman and turn right toward town . " Eddie was trying to figure out how he could delay getting home . When the light changed , they took off , and Eddie laughed as the wind whipped his hair . He was riding in a car with Johnny Grant . 10 Comments » Jerry Lincoln has a problem : his Sioux Falls IT consulting business has more work than one man can handle . Luckily , that means he can hire some help . Jerry just hopes his new employee , John Black Raven , ends up being more helpful than distracting - but John 's deep eyes and long hair are very distracting . John came to town for an education and a chance at a life he couldn 't have on the reservation , but what 's important to him now is getting a job and keeping it . Six months ago , his sister died , and now her children are in foster care . Despite having the law on his side , John can 't get custody - can 't even see his niece and nephew . As Jerry and John grow closer , John discovers he doesn 't have to struggle alone . Jerry helps him win visitation rights and provides much - needed support . Yet their victories aren 't without setbacks . Child Services is tangled up with money , politics , and red tape , and Native American children are their bread and butter . But John and Jerry are determined to fight the good fight and to win - in more ways than one . The doorbell rang with my next appointment , and I answered it . Another young man stood on the stoop , and I took him , and later the next young man , through the same interview process . I didn 't get the same encouraging signals from them , but I gave them the problems . One of them gave up after fifteen minutes , and I thanked him for coming . He looked disappointed , but I thanked him anyway . The other interviewee admitted defeat just before the last interviewee arrived . I noticed that Bryce seemed lost in his computer , typing away as I escorted the third applicant outside . After shaking hands , I said good - bye and was about to close the front door when I saw a man striding up my walk toward the door . As he got closer , I felt my throat go dry , and I had to remind myself that this was a job interview and not a pickup at a Castro gay bar . " Jerry Lincoln . I 'm pleased to meet you . " The heat from his hand was startling , and I had to tear my gaze away from John 's deep , dark , almost black eyes . " Come in and we 'll go into the dining room to talk . " I motioned him inside , and John peered into the living room as we passed . I saw Bryce look up from his work , and he smiled and nodded to John , who did the same back before continuing on . " I take it you and Bryce know each other . " " Your grades are good , and you 've had plenty of experience . " It looked as though John had worked at least two jobs for years . Many of them appeared menial and looked like brutally hard , physical work . " None in software development , " I commented . He was also older than the others , nearly twenty - seven . " No . I worked hard to pay for school , and this is the first interview I 've had . " His eyes shone with intensity and determination , and I did my best not to look at John 's shining black hair that was pulled into a ponytail , or his sun - kissed skin and full lips . This man was here for a job , and I needed to keep myself under control . " But I always work hard , and computers seem to speak to me . " " I seem to have a mind for them . My teachers often offered extra credit for solving tough problems , and I always saw the answers right away , " John answered in a measured , rather soft - spoken tone that sounded almost musical . " I don 't have much real - world experience because until I was able to come here to school , there were no opportunities . " John sat back in the chair , indecision in his eyes , and I thought he wasn 't going to elaborate . " I grew up on the reservation , and there are very few chances there . " I 'd heard rumors and stories , but I 'd largely thought those were tales born out of narrow - minded stereotypes . " I left to try to make a better life , " John added and then grew quiet . Of the four interviews , this one was definitely the hardest . Some things were apparent , though . John was a hard worker , and judging from his grades , that had transferred to his schoolwork . " What sort of things would you like to know ? " I asked him , and John asked the usual things about pay and benefits , which I answered the same as the others . I showed him my current workspace and explained about the work area that was being developed . I thought his question combined with his answer odd , but it was really none of my business , so I let the subject drop . " I have something I 'd like you to do for me so I can judge your skill level , " I told John when we returned to the dining room . I handed him the thumb drive , and I watched as he pulled out a very old laptop . Then , after transferring the files , I got him settled in the living room . " I 'm finished , " Bryce said with a grin once John was settled , and I had him come to the dining room to show me . Bryce had indeed found the error and fixed it . He 'd also developed the application I 'd requested . " I even got the exception handling to work with meaningful messages . " Bryce showed me , and I couldn 't help holding back a smile . Once he was gone , I stopped in the living room again , and John looked up from his work . " Have you eaten ? " I asked , and John nodded . " I 'll be working . Come get me when you 're done . " John nodded again , and I sat down at my console to work . I could see John if I turned my head , and I found I was having trouble looking anywhere else . He was stunning , in a quiet , understated sort of way . His eyes held an intensity and pain that intrigued me , but it was his hair that I couldn 't take my eyes off of , and I kept wondering what he 'd look like with it loose around his expressive face . Forcing my attention to my work , I hid behind my monitors and got down to the task , but that failed as well . I kept wondering what I saw in John , and then I 'd peer around the monitor again just to watch him for a few seconds . I had lived in San Francisco and had seen smoking - hot men almost every day of my life - guys who walked down the street and made almost every head turn . Those men usually did nothing for me . Sure , they were pretty to look at and attractive as hell , but as soon as they opened their mouths , some form of incomprehensible gibberish came out with every other word punctuated by " like . " " We , like , went to the store and , like , he grabbed my butt and I said , like , dude , like , don 't do that . " I 'd actually heard that in a conversation , and I had wanted to smack the man on the side of the head . Somehow I knew deep down that John was very different from those men . There was definitely intelligence at the bottom of those eyes , and his attractiveness smoldered just below the surface in the way he walked and carried himself - tall and proud . I forced my eyes away from John and got to work for a while . " I think I 'm finished , " John said as he got up from the sofa . Thankful for something to do besides stare at John , I got up and met him at the table . " I fixed the problem with the program ; that was easy , " John said . " But I wasn 't sure quite what you wanted with your specifications . On the right , you said you wanted each of the graphics lined up with the appropriate links . I wasn 't sure if you wanted them static or not , so I made them scroll . " He brought up the page , and the graphics scrolled along the side of the screen from top to bottom . " If you click on the graphic , they can link to the other pages if you create them . " I smiled and stole a glance at John . " I was expecting the easy method , and instead you gave me more . Very good . " I was more than a little impressed . He 'd delivered something beyond what I had expected , and he 'd done it in the same amount of time as Bryce . " I 'll be making my decision in the next week . " " Thank you , " John said , and we shook hands . Then he gathered his things , and I watched him leave . As soon as the door closed , I released a long sigh before walking into the kitchen . I grabbed a diet soda and chugged most of it as I ran over both viable candidates in my mind . After throwing the can in the recycling , I was about to return to work when the phone rang . " Jerry , how did it go ? " Peter asked excitedly . " I told you I could find qualified applicants , and I steered people your way I knew you could work with . " Peter sighned softly , and I heard him shifting as the phone crackled slightly . " Every summer there 's a new graduating class , and at some point most of them don 't get jobs and come here looking for anything so they can work . I simply pointed some of the more qualified people your way . I could have hired any of those men here at the store , but they 'd either leave eventually or end up at a dead end . So what did you think ? " Peter was not going to be put off . " Two of them were fantastic , and I have to decide which of them I want to hire . They 're both qualified , and I think I could work with either of them . " I figured both Bryce and John would be a big help , and part of me had a particular preference , but I made it a point not to think with that head and make the right decisions for my business . Leave a Comment » This scene takes place between Geoff and Eli , the characters who started the Love Means … Series . Their story Love Means … No Shame is followed up with the rest of the stories in the series . I hope you enjoy this glimpse in Geoff and Eli 's life together . " What is it , Tiger ? " Geoff asked as he closed the stall door , smiling at him as he turned . Normally that smile would light up his heart the way it had every day for the past twenty - plus years . " Don 't Tiger me , " he said stepping closer , holding up the crumpled piece of paper . " When were you going to tell me the doctor wants you to have some additional tests ? After your checkup you told me everything was just fine , and now I find this when I was cleaning up your office . " Eli knew his anger and fear resonated in his voice , but he couldn 't help it . " I bugged you for months to make that appointment , " Eli blazed . " Now do I have to make another one and go along with you so you 'll tell me the truth ? " " I 'm fine , and I had those tests last week . The doctor hasn 't phoned with the results , but I 'm fine . You can stop worrying . " Geoff soothed the way he usually did , reaching out for Eli and folding him into his arms . " I 'm going to be around for a very long time . " " I 'm sure that 's what your father said , and you know you 're the same age he was when he died , " Eli said against Geoff 's chest . " I 'm not allowing that to happen to you . " Eli lifted his head so he could see Geoff 's eyes . " Because if you up and die on me , so help me , I 'll … smack you silly . " Eli knew he was being ridiculous , but the thought of going through what had happened to Len all those years ago scared the hell out of him . " I 'm fine , love , and you have nothing to worry about . If you want , once the doctor 's office opens , you can call them . I added you to the HIPAA forms , so they 'll give you any information you want , " Geoff told him with a smile , and Eli felt some of the anger and worry dissipate . " Like I said , I 'm going to be around for a long time , and when we go , we 're going together . " Geoff smirked , and Eli smacked him lightly on the shoulder before moving back into his arms . " Hey , it 's okay . I forgive you . But next time just ask . I 'll tell you what you want to know . I 've never kept things from you , and I don 't intend to start now . " Geoff squeezed him lightly before resting his head Eli 's shoulder . " Is this the calm before the storm ? " Eli whispered , and he felt Geoff nod his head . " I suppose I better help get the chores done , because we 've got a big day . " " Morning , Geoff , " Joey called as he entered the barn , completely unfazed at the sight of the two of them together . Joey and his partner , Robbie , had worked at the farm for twenty years and were like family . A number of years ago , they 'd bought into the farm as junior partners , and with their help , Laughton Farms had continued to grow so that now they were the largest landowners in the county , maybe that part of the state . They had thousands of head of cattle and thousands of acres under cultivation . They 'd even started an orchard a number of years ago , and after some initial troubles , that had turned into a success as well . " No . He 's teaching a class this morning , and then I need to pick him up . We won 't be late , don 't you worry , " Joey said as he wandered out of the barn , and Geoff heard one of the tractors start . Regardless of the festivities happening later , there were still chores to do . " I 'm going to make breakfast , and then we can all get ready , " Eli said , finally moving out of Eli 's embrace . " And don 't think for a second I 'm going to forget to call the doctor , " Eli warned as he walked toward the barn door and out into the crisp , late spring air . The first rays of sunshine bounced off the dew - covered grass as he walked toward the house , his home for over two decades . Inside , he found Adelle making breakfast . She 'd retired about eight years ago , but she 'd become family . They 'd told her that she had a place with them for as long as she wanted , and she 'd never left . As she 'd gotten older , she 'd slowed down , but she still insisted on making breakfast each and every morning . After his shower , Eli dressed and headed downstairs to a house full of people . Geoff and Jake came in from their chores , and everyone sat down at the table for one of Adelle 's famous farm breakfasts . The meal promised to be last quiet moment of the day , and sure enough once the meal was over , the house turned into a hive of activity as the last people got ready to go . " I have it all . " Jake lifted the garment bag in response , and Eli released Geoff . Most everyone had already headed out , so Eli , Geoff , Jake , and Adelle got into Geoff 's car for the trip to town . They pulled up to the high school , and Geoff found a place to park . Jake grabbed his things and hurried inside while Eli , Geoff , and Adelle followed the people into the courtyard , which was filled with chairs on the sunny day . Looking around , Eli saw Joey stand up , and they made their way toward their contingent . Len and Chris hugged both him and Geoff . Both men were in their seventies and still active - definitely slower , but still vital . Jonah and Raine hugged them as well as their son Benji threw himself at his Uncle Eli . Stone and Preston were there too . The surprise was who stepped out from behind them . Arie was supposed to be playing concerts with the Chicago Symphony , but here he was with Duane , now the sheriff , both of them beaming . The music began to play , and they all found their seat as the orchestra serenaded them . After a while , the music shifted to Pomp and Circumstance as the graduates filed down the center aisle in their blue caps and gowns . Eli watched for Jake , smiling as he saw his son walk down the aisle , but instead of taking a place with the other graduates , he climbed the steps onto the stage , joining the instructors , principal , and superintendent . Once all the graduates were in and seated , the music wrapped up and a warm spring breeze wafted through the courtyard . The speeches and ceremony began , but Eli heard very little of it . All he kept seeing was his son on the stage . The boy he and Geoff had adopted together . The boy whose diapers he 'd changed and who he 'd walked around the yard a million times on his first pony . The little boy who 'd taken off across the yard wearing nothing but a smile as he made a break for the barn , looking for daddy because he wanted a pony ride , and it didn 't matter if he was still wet from his bath . This was also the same little boy that he and Geoff had taken together on his very first day of school , and the same one that they 'd had to pick up from school a few years later because the teacher had told him his daddies weren 't married , and he 'd told her she was " full of shit . " Eli felt Geoff 's hand touch his and he realized there was a tissue in it for him . He could still see Jakey when he 'd come home from school with his prize from the science fair , and he could see each and every blue ribbon he 'd won at the 4H fairs . He also remembered teaching Jakey to ride and having to explain that he couldn 't sleep in the barn with his first horse , even if it was cold out there . It was only the speaker 's closing remarks that pulled Eli out of his memories . The principal took the podium once again . " It 's my pleasure to introduce this year 's class valedictorian . He 's graduating with a near - perfect academic record and a full scholarship to Michigan State University , where he will begin his work toward a degree in veterinary medicine , Jacob Henninger - Laughton . " " Good morning . These speeches are usually about the same thing each year - looking ahead to our future - and as most of you know , I rarely do what 's expected and I don 't intend to today . Instead , I want to speak about the people who got us here . I 'd like to ask all the graduates to please stand up and look at the person or people in the audience who raised , supported , and loved you . " Jake paused a few seconds . " Now please give them a hand . " All the graduates clapped , and Eli couldn 't help grinning as his own son looked at him and the rest of their group . The applause died down , and they took their seats again . " Because without these people who took us to little league , helped us with our homework , chaperoned class trips , and the million other things we did over the last eighteen years , we wouldn 't be here . " Eli swore he wasn 't going to cry . " To illustrate how vital the support of our families was , I intend to use my own as an example . I 'd like to ask my family to stand up . " Eli looked at Geoff , and they slowly stood up and then sat back down again . " Actually , I mean all of you , " Jake 's gaze swept the entire group of people , " because , yes , there 's my dad , Geoff , who brought home my first puppy , and my dad , Eli , who taught me how to ride a horse , and between the two of them , they also taught me about laughter , love , and what it means to be a man . There 's also my Uncle Robbie , who taught me to play the violin , and my Uncle Joey , who first let me drive the tractor when I was seven . Dad , if you 're wondering why it was so easy for me to learn to drive , I started early . " The crowd laughed , and Eli peered at Geoff , who was smiling . " There 's also my Uncles Raine and Jonah , who when I visited them in Chicago when I was twelve , took me to the Field museum and showed me my very first dinosaur . Uncle Arie , who took me to Windsor , outside Natchez , Mississippi , and showed me where the columns play music in the wind . Uncle Duane , who as sheriff taught me the importance of putting others before yourself . And my Grandpa Len and Grandpa Chris , who taught me that love is open to everyone , regardless of age . " Jake paused , and Eli wiped his eyes , trying to swallow around the lump in his throat . " And to my Grandma Adelle , who taught me the value of the wonderfully simple things in life , like being able to lick the spoon . She also taught me that love doesn 't know color or ethnicity . Hilary Clinton wrote thatit takes a village . Well , I had a village in the form of an extended family that , while extremely unconventional by most standards , made me the person I am today . So , I ask all of the graduates to think about your own families and what they taught you . Those lessons will stay with all of us and carry us out into the world . Don 't lose sight of them , because they 're the best and most important lessons we 'll ever learn . " Jake paused , There was no way Eli could look around him , so he held Geoff 's hand and concentrated as the diplomas were handed out . The graduates threw their caps into the air , and then with more music from the orchestra , filed out and inside the school . Then the rest of the parents and guests filed out , and Eli blew his nose and tried to wipe away the last of his tears . They found Jake inside the school , and Len took pictures like he had through a lot of the ceremony . Then they all rode back to the farm , where Adelle and Eli got things together for Jake 's graduation party . " Oh , hey , Eli , sure . Today was Jake 's big day , huh ? " He heard her moving around . " We got those results , I think . Hold on , let me check the files . " The line went quiet , and Eli waited nervously . He 'd read that they were running prostate and liver function tests and he knew what those meant : cancer , just like Geoff 's father had had . Those few words on that piece of crumpled paper had scared him half to death . " Eli , yes , the results came back and the doctor said there was nothing to be concerned about . He was being cautious because of some minor anomalies in the bloodwork , but everything came back normal and there 's no sign of any issues , " Kathy told him pleasantly . " So you can stop worrying , " she teased . He was about to protest , but gave it up . He 'd known Kathy since she took her first riding lesson at eight years old , so it stood to reason that she 'd know him pretty well too . " I 'll see you next week when I bring Sarah for her riding lesson , and give that handsome husband of yours a hug for me . " They said goodbye , and Eli hung up the phone with a gigantic sigh as he heard the office door open behind him . " Yes , " Eli admitted . " Everything 's normal , but don 't scare me like that again . I want you around to see our grandchildren and to help me teach them to ride a horse and drive a tractor . " Geoff held up his hand . " I promise , " Geoff said softly , leaning close , hugging him tightly before kissing Eli with a hint of passion and a lot of love . " Now , we have a party to attend , and then once everyone 's in bed , I 'll show you just how healthy I am . " Eli chuckled before kissing Geoff once again . Then , together , hand in hand , they left the office and joined their family and friends in celebration . 2 Comments » I thought my first post on my new blog would be a freebie for my readers , so here 's A Tidbit of Love . It 's a scene from the Of Love series that includes A Taste of Love , A Serving of Love , and A Helping of Love . And the next installment , A Slice of Love will be coming soon . " I will , but why ? We have plenty of people scheduled and I have an appointment this afternoon I can 't miss and the boys are coming over , " Billy told him with a very disappointed expression . " I suppose I could cancel , but what 's the problem ? " " I already knew that . Sebastian is coming in tonight to fill in and I 'm leaving in half an hour . Robert has some sort of Bar Association thing and Sebastian wanted an excuse not to have to go . " Billy gave him look like the two of them had cooked up the excuse together . They were always cooking up something together and at times Darryl lived in fear of what they were going to come up with . " Of course we did , " Billy quipped before giving him a quick kiss and then heading through the kitchen doors to the dining room . His life hadn 't been the same since the day he 'd taken a chance and given a job to the little spitfire who 'd now been his partner for almost four years . Darryl went back to work and an hour later , Billy came in the kitchen taking off his uniform , getting ready to leave , " Remember we have the boys tonight , " Billy told him and Darryl nodded his head . He 'd already told him that . " I know . I have the evening off so we 're all good . I 'll see you at home in a few hours . " Darryl barely looked up from his work and called out the next orders that came in . " They 're at home , " Billy told him with a smile . " Happy anniversary . " Darryl stood completely stunned . " Four years ago today you took pity on me and gave me a job at the restaurant . " " I should hope not , " Billy said with mock indignation . " It 's better than you ever dreamed and you know it . " Billy squealed as Darryl slid his arms around Billy 's waist , pressing his chest to his back . " Yes it is , " Darryl agreed . " Better than I ever hoped . Who would have thought giving someone else a job would give me the love of a lifetime . " He sucked lightly on Billy 's ear for a few seconds before nuzzling Billy 's neck until the smells in the room had his stomach growling . " What are you making ? " " I got a pork roast that 's in the oven and I made mashed potatoes with carrots and salad . Nothing fancy , but just what you like . " Billy squirmed against him . " Maureen sent home some special dessert for later , or maybe after . " |
There are many paths we take each day many decisions that may change our lives . ' Forks in the road ' as - it - were and when we take one , the question arises ' what if we had taken the other path ? ' Sometimes the outcome is clear but then others are not so clear . For Vincent and Catherine I ask the question " What if ? " What if Vincent had not found Catherine that night - what would her life have been three years later ? He would not have been there to help cope her after the attack , nor would she be changed by his love , or he by hers . In Remember Love the ' Image of Catherine within Vincent ' had told him " Nothing is ever lost we are all on the same journey . We create that journey for each other . " So with that in mind and with the idea that all paths lead on to the same destination - was their love , even on another path meant to be ? Part One Violent emotion drove him - primal and mindless . His eyes saw threats in every shadowed corner . His ears heard only his own anguished cries and angry roars , echoing off the rock walls . He was alone , totally alone ; his only security the cold rock wall at his back . The fear of his unknown surroundings tore at him , as his claws tore at the constricting clothes covering his body , tearing at his own flesh . He was trapped in the darkness . All awareness of who he was , was gone , leaving him with no knowledge of how he had come there , nor did he know how to escape . He roared in frustration at the dark … Suddenly he became aware of someone approaching and a scent assailed his nostrils ; his senses perceived it as female and vaguely familiar , a potential mate ? Yet familiar or not , potential mate or not , his rage overcame his need for copulation . She was unwanted here , an intruder . How dare she come near ! This was HIS domain . Vincent heard the scream and blinked , looking down at the pale , beautiful face turned up toward him - it was the face of the woman he loved more than life . Catherine ? Suddenly he was assailed with the sudden horrifying realization of what he was about to do . Like waking from a nightmare - with the shock of ice water thrown in his face - Vincent 's last thought before he collapsed was " I must protect Catherine ! " " No ! No ! Not without me ! " A desperate cry , echoed from far away . Catherine ! He was himself again , but something was different - very different . He heard Catherine 's anguished cries , commanding him to come back to her , but he couldn 't obey , nor did he want to . Knowing him had only caused Catherine pain and the shame that he had almost killed her caused him to retreat further . He was tired , so very tired , but he knew he must do one last thing before he left her forever . With determination and Catherine 's welfare his only concern he disconnected the bond they shared , as he had tried to do when Catherine had wanted ' A happy life ' . " Nooooo ! " he heard Catherine scream , as he felt something break deep within him and he felt her lips pressed to his . He responded in a parting embrace in a wholly instinctual and reflexive action . His head swam and feelings and sensations flooded throughout his body as Catherine tried desperately to reach him . But in the end he had made up his mind . Knowing him had only ever caused Catherine pain . He was concerned that this last episode of losing himself might only be the beginning , it was better to set her free now . He bid her a silent farewell and ignored her heart wrenching sobs . At last he ceased his long struggle with life and fell into the waiting dark … He heard a voice - Catherine 's voice , strangely deep and resonant and emotionless , echoing around him , but he knew it wasn 't Catherine . " You gave up your own life to save her . " Slowly a shimmering being of light materialized before his eyes , pushing back the darkness . He knew who she was , " Then let me rest . " Vincent pleaded ; he wanted only peace . He had given up everything he held dear all he wanted was to bathe in this peace . " She has what you always wished for her . Anxious to be assured , he demanded . " Show me ! I must see . Please ? " " I cannot do it alone . " " Always … " Vincent murmured as he closed his eyes . He let his mind search for that spark of Catherine that was once within him . The darkness dissolved and he stood in daylight on a beach , but he could not feel the heat of the sun , or the breeze from the sea . But there before him was Catherine and a man Vincent couldn 't recognize . He was tall and had dark hair but Vincent had seen so few of Catherine 's acquaintances , Elliot Burch , Joe Maxwell , and this man could have been either of them , or perhaps even someone she had met later . He watched as they enjoyed a swim , and with them were two children , a boy of eight or nine , with golden hair and a girl with dark hair and perhaps four years of age . They were all happily laughing and splashing in the sea . " For you , time has ceased , but for those you love it has been ten years . " " But what of my world … Father ? " Fear struck him like a knife ; he hadn 't considered the repercussions of his death on others . His only thought at the time was for Catherine . Vincent understood finally but was concerned . " She cannot see me ? " " No . You are no longer of this world . You are a shadow - an illusion , glimpsed from afar , or from the corner of the eye . " As he watched the woman he would always love , frolicking with her family , the sun began to set and Catherine picked up the little girl . The man put his arm around Catherine and kissed her cheek , she smiled up at him . The little girl was transferred to the man 's arms and the older boy ran on ahead , toward a mansion higher up on the sand . " A Happy Life , " Vincent whispered , Half way up the hill Catherine stopped , and turned back , and her eyes searched the beach where Vincent stood , as though she could see him - or sense him . Her smile faded , and a shadow passed across her face . " She grieved your loss greatly . But you gave her life and your death protected her from a greater danger . " " She would have been lost to you , had you lived . No matter how much you would have wished it otherwise . " " Then I am content . She deserved so much more than I could ever give her . To know that she was saved and happy is all I need , to give me peace " he affirmed . Vincent turned back to Catherine and she was still looking in his direction . Suddenly the boy came running from behind and took her hand , pulling her with him . Catherine bent and kissed him on the top of his golden head , and then with an arm over his shoulder they walked toward the house . Vincent stood watching Catherine walk away as his companion said , " There is more you must see … " And she lifted her arm and everything around them went dark . Slowly the muted light or candles and torches appeared . Vincent began to recognize the room , the books and the spiral staircase . " Father 's study , " he murmured . As the vision before him cleared , he saw someone seated in Father 's favorite chair , but it wasn 't Father . It was a woman , an old woman . Her silver head bowed as she softly read to a little girl who was sitting on her lap . Another child , of about six years , came running into the room . " Grandma they 're here , they 're here ! From the far tunnels , they came … " the boy declared excitedly . The woman looked up and smiled , " Thank you Joseph , " she said softly in a well remembered voice and Vincent 's heart constricted painfully . Her face was changed little by age , and her silver hair brought out the beauty of her green eyes which had never lost their glow . " Catherine , " he breathed . " How can this be ? She lived Above , with her family … " Vincent asked , confused . " Her heart has always been in this world with those she loves , " the white spirit answered . As he watched a young couple came into the chamber , the young woman was carrying a blanket wrapped bundle in her arms . She resembled Catherine greatly . Behind them came other children and young adults . The little girl climbed down from Catherine 's lap and the young woman handed Catherine the baby . " Here he is , Grandmamma . " the young woman said . Catherine took the warmly wrapped infant , lovingly into her arms , and cradled him close . Placing a gentle finger into the blanket , to touch the tiny cheek , she smiled with tears forming in her eyes , and when she spoke . it was with a catch in her voice . " Hello , Vincent . Oh , you are as beautiful as your grandfather . " Suddenly becoming aware of the significance of her words , Vincent made his way to stand behind Catherine and look over her shoulder , at this newborn . He gasped when he saw the child 's face . It was the mirror image of his own in every detail but an infant 's face . He was beyond words . He turned a questioning gaze upon his guide . " How is this possible ? " Vincent looked back at the scene of Catherine holding her grandchild , his grandchild , surrounded by her family and he was content . " Truly A Happy Life ' " and his heart was so full . Catherine was in the midst of her children and grandchildren and she was happy . He could ask for nothing more . The light of the room began to fade and reluctantly he turned his back on it and followed the glowing white apparition . The love of his life was left behind him , but his heart was full of joy . When they were again in darkness she stopped and faced him all around was blackness , she the only light . " And for yourself , do you ask nothing ? " his guide asked . Vincent remembered the ' dream ' he had had the first time he had met this spirit . The world where he had died as a child and everything was so terribly changed . " But that was a dream . " he declared " Would you wish to ease the pain of the tortured soul you saw then ? " Vincent didn 't need to think . " I would do anything … and everything I could , to bring Catherine peace . " The darkness suddenly faded and he stood on Catherine 's balcony , just as he had in the ' dream ' looking through the doors into Catherine 's apartment . It was night and there was a small candle burning on the bedside table . In the bed , Catherine tossed and turned , tortured by dreams and he could feel her terror . Catherine cried out in her sleep , and Vincent felt her fear as if it were his own . " I can feel what she is feeling ! " He gasped , as echoes of terror lanced through him , and he wanted to rush to her , to comfort her , but he could not move . " You choose this path then , or do you take your rest now and go to the end of life 's journey . There is no other path where you did not die as a child . Here the memories from that other life will fade . " " I will never forget Catherine " he repeated quietly to himself . To the spirit he said . " I will do anything to ease Catherine 's pain , let me try … please . " Cathy woke with a start and sat up , her heart pounding . The nightmare had returned - the men throwing her into the van - and she relived that terrible night all over again . It had happened exactly two years ago to the day . She knew that date very well April 12th Tom 's dinner for the Architects , the argument and then leaving alone to catch a cab . Waking up in the hospital , with her eyes covered and hearing her father 's gentle caring voice from beside her , he sounded so tired , frightened and so very worried . Then the surgeries began . Tom came to see her between the first and second surgeries ; his face was filled with pity and distaste . She knew it was because she was no longer a trophy to take to parties or show off to his friends , and it hurt more than the knife as it cut into her flesh . How could she ever feel safe again ? When would she ever be free of fear ? Cathy had lost everything since then . Tom , her father , and after her father 's death the law firm had tired of her ineptitude and bought her father 's share , and now she had nothing , only money , and that brought little comfort . Now she had no job and no life and no family . She felt completely alone , and for most of the time since that terrible night , she had withdrawn from the world , a world that represented only pain and loss . She had thought of ending it all many times , and if it hadn 't been for Jenny and Nancy who had stayed faithful and in constant touch , she would have . Even Steven Bass had tried to help , but when he saw what a mess she was in , he gave up any thought of rekindling their relationship . Now she lived from day to day secluded in her apartment , going out only rarely , and always in a constant state of fear … Vincent opened his eyes . He was in his chamber , the comforting sound of the pipes and the distant rattle of a train ; were a balm to his soul . His mind felt sluggish and he couldn 't remember how he came there , but visions of a beautiful smiling face of a woman , with deep green eyes , sparkling with love and laughter , floated just out of reach . He knew her , he loved her . " Catherine … " he heard his own voice and it sounded weak and hoarse . His throat felt raw , as though from overuse . A hand came to his forehead and he turned to see the person sitting beside him . " Don 't worry , Vincent , rest . You 've been through a terrible ordeal . We 'll talk later when you 're stronger . In time you will remember everything , " Father smoothed Vincent 's brow as he spoke , and he drifted back to sleep . Suddenly Vincent 's mind heaved like a ship on a wind tossed sea . Catherine where was Catherine ? He remembered finding her in the Park and the time she had spent Below , two years of great pain , mixed with a greater joy . He remembered that he had loved her from the moment he saw her , but for Catherine it had taken a little longer for her to realize her growing love for him as they lived through frightening and wonderful times . Then his terrible decline , and his own death and Catherine 's ' Happy Life ' - his son and grandson - finally the white spirit 's words concerning another path . A path where Catherine had not been found by him . It was almost too much to believe … " Father , what happened to me ? " he asked . Father looked away , his face a mask of sorrow and regret . " You were in a terrifying state . Such agony and rage , I don 't think I 've ever been more afraid in my life - for you - for all of us . " " Because of what I might do … " Vincent replied without remorse , he remembered his feelings of rage and confusion and his need to get out of the tunnels to go to Catherine . But what had happened here without her ? " Was it because of what I did to Paracelsus ? " He asked gently , knowing it would be a very sore point for Father . Father 's face darkened , his jaw clenched . " What John tried to do to you was monstrous . To use his drugs to try and stop you , only made you worse … " " Tell me . " Father then told Vincent a completely different series of events than he remembered . When his drug producing operation was finally discovered by the tunnel folk , Vincent had gone to stop him and had been drugged . But unlike before when Catherine had brought him back from that terrible place , Vincent had killed Paracelsus under the influence of the drug . This had sent Vincent into a mental and physical decline , and without Catherine to cling to , he had almost been lost . Vincent was no longer affected by the uncertainties he had felt in that other realm , nor was he sorry for what he had done to an evil manipulative man . He felt completely in control now and at peace . More than he had ever been in his life . He closed his eyes and slept again . " Father ? " When he looked up , Vincent continued , " You are always by my side when I awake from an illness . Do you ever sleep at such times ? " Father 's weary face lit with a gentle smile , " Rarely . " then he lifted a cup to Vincent 's lips , " Here drink this . You need fluids . " Vincent drank and laid back feeling very tired . He heard the words of the White Spirit , concerning the different paths , and he finally accepted that it had not all been a dream , but what in this ' Path ' was different ? His mind wandered to all the incidences where Catherine had been instrumental in saving either him or Father , and even their world . He needed to know what had happened here without her help . He remembered one particular incident in which Catherine had been invaluable , and he asked . " Father , would answer some questions for me ? " Father shook his head . " There was a cave - in in the Maze some time ago , but no one was caught in it . It 's now unreachable . " " Yes , it must have , " Vincent remembered sweet Ellie had died during the epidemic . Perhaps her life might have been spared too , but what of Dimitri ? " Father did I bring a young man from Russia here last year ? I found him at the docks . He was ill . " Father brightened a little . " Devin , Devin saved me . He returned and was working for the District Attorney 's Office . When he came down here to see us , you were beside yourself with worry , but you knew I was still alive and told him that I was missing . He found me , and found evidence to prove me innocent and arranged for my release . It was too late however to say goodbye to Margaret . " Father was obviously still heartbroken . Vincent remembered that it had been Catherine who had found Father , before he went to prison and had reunited him with Margaret before her death . How different life had been without Catherine . " Sleep Vincent , you are still very weak . " All that is written in these pages must not be forgotten . Study every detail memorize them . The time is coming near I must be there in time to save her - Catherine … It had been almost a month since his illness and for days now he had been feeling a strange pull Above . He understood now these strange impulses and emotions that were not his own and what it all meant , even if he did not comprehend every detail this journal had revealed a great deal to him . Now that he was whole again he could not wait . He intended to go there tonight , even if Father tried to stop him . Vincent was concerned more about what he had read in his journal . It confused him , but he knew that what was written there was something he couldn 't ignore . He could feel the truth of it deep within his heart , like a nagging ache . Someone needed him and her name was Catherine . He rose and picked up his cloak and began to throw it over his shoulders . Cathy heard something and she was wide awake . It was a scraping on the balcony . What should she do ? No one would listen to her anymore , not her neighbors and not even the police . She had received two strange phone calls a few nights ago as she sat on her balcony reading . The first from Jenny , concerned and asking if she was okay and that she had had a strange dream . Cathy had assured her she was fine and a few seconds after she had hung up , there was another call from a stranger saying , " Cathy , I can see you … " His voice terrified her . The sound of it , the way he spoke , gave her chills . She had hung up the phone and pulled it out of the wall . Terrified she had closed her curtains and huddled on the couch weeping . She looked into the darkness of her apartment now , and could see nothing but shadows . She leaned over to turn on the bedside lamp and suddenly she was grabbed from behind and dragged from the bed . A cloth covered her face , and the pungent odor of chloroform filled her mouth and nose . Her ears began to ring as she started to black out . Strange echoes filled her ears , the sounds of an almighty roar and glass shattering , a man 's scream , then silence . Disconnected and completely unable to fight , Cathy was unable to move when she felt herself being lifted and laid gently on her bed . A cold compress was placed on her forehead and a voice , gentle beyond description saying . " You 're safe now . " Cathy drifted in and out of consciousness , and times slowed , until the drug wore off . When she came back to the present , she sensed someone in the room and sat up , fear lancing through her . " Please don 't hurt me ! " she gasped , and backed up against the wall , her entire being filled with fear . Now his leaving scared her more , " No , please , don 't go . You saved me . Stay . Tell the police what happened . They will believe you . " She hadn 't begun to wonder how he had saved her , or where he had come from . All she knew was that for now this voice represented safety , and she needed to feel safe at least for a little while . " I 'm sorry , that is impossible . I must go . " His was voice filled with true regret , " But I will see you again . I promise you . " And she saw a shadowed figure exit through her shattered balcony doors . When her head cleared , Cathy turned her bedside lamp on and saw the dead man on her living room floor . She slowly got out of bed and when she stood over him , she saw no blood . She knew enough to realize that his neck was broken . A sudden knock on her door startled her . " Miss Chandler , it 's the police , are you all right ? " A man 's voice called from the other side of the door . When she opened it , there were two uniformed men standing on her doorstep . " We had an anonymous call about a prowler , and your neighbors reported strange noises coming from your apartment , " one of the Police Officers said . Cathy stood back to let them in , revealing the body on the floor . " He attacked me and when I fought him , he fell against the coffee table . " Cathy lied . She hardly believed her savior 's appearance in her apartment and for many reasons she didn 't want anyone to know the truth . The man was removed and she mentioned nothing about her strange visitor . She was asked to give a statement in the morning . Vincent made his way Below . He was greatly relieved that he had been able to prevent Catherine from being kidnapped by this Watcher . He could feel her peace as she slept . It wasn 't complete and the fear hovered but he was encouraged . The nagging ache that he had been feeling within him was eased and at last he understood that he was truly connected to this sad young woman . He did not know how but he would do all in his power to lift that sadness . He had been reading about her in his own journals , her strength , generosity and love . Who could not love her ? But she was in terrible distress and he wanted desperately to help her - to reach her , but she didn 't know who he was or that he loved her . He searched for a way to reach out to her without frightening her . Suddenly it came to him and he left her balcony with a plan forming in his mind and a new purpose and lightness in his heart . He must be careful not to frighten her , but all he could do was try . It would work , it must work , but first he must let Catherine know that someone was thinking of her . That she was not alone . He went back to his chamber and began to write out a list of ways he could gently let her know he cared . In the following days and nights he went through each moment with a renewed purpose . His mind and heart becoming more attuned to Catherine 's emotions , The next night he left a red rose on the iron table on her balcony , he waited out of sight , for her to come onto the balcony , hoping that as his journal had mentioned , her habit of watching the city at night had not changed . When she did come out his heart leapt with joy . She looked out at the city for some moments her mood contemplative , and then her attention turned to the table and she found the rose . He held his breath - would she be frightened by the thought of a stranger coming onto her balcony ? At first he felt her surprise , but there was no fear as she went back into her apartment and closed the balcony doors . Her heart was in turmoil and her life was in ruins and he would not leHe came back the next night and the night after that , leaving something for her on the iron table . Once she realized he meant her no harm perhaps she would allow him to help her gain her life back . Vincent found where Noj lived and he watched the building for some time every night . It wasn 't difficult to identify Ellie he was struck by how beautiful she was . Her golden hair shone in the streetlamps , its waves falling about her lovely face . She would be almost Fifteen now according to his journal . One night he followed her to the back of a building and watched as she threw small stones at one of the second floor windows . After a few minutes the window opened and a figure climbed down the drainpipe . When his feet touched the ground he embraced Ellie . Eric , Vincent thought . " And I miss you to Eric , but I haven 't got enough money yet to get us out of the city . " " Is he still beating you ? That looks like a new bruise on your face . " " I 'm okay Eric . I can take whatever he dishes out . Knowing we 'll get away gives me the strength I need . " " Oh yeah , " Ellie said crossing her arms in front of her . " I 've been told that before mister , and I don 't believe there is such a place , not in this city anyway . " " There is such a place , and you and Eric can come right away . " " It will not take long if you come now . " Vincent said and without another word he turned down the nearest alley . By the time he was at the manhole , both children were not far behind him . He lifted the cover and slipped into the hole , and down the metal ladder . He didn 't wait for them ; he hurried down the tunnel listening to their surprised comments . When they reached the lighted tunnels , both children seemed less fearful yet they still clung to each other 's hands Finally they entered Father 's chamber and he was sitting in his favorite chair , as ever reading a book . Father looked up with a smile , expecting to see only Vincent , but when he saw the two adolescents following Vincent , Father put down the book and demanded . " Vincent what is this ? Who are these children ? " Both children stared at the room , Father and finally Vincent , who smiled . With a sigh of resignation , Father said . " Welcome Ellie and Eric . Can you tell me anything about yourselves ? " Cathy was unable to sleep , she 'd had that nightmare again , and finally giving up , and she got out of bed . Sleep was out of the question now . She went to the balcony doors , opening them and walked to the wall , staring out into the night , the city and then the stars . When she looked down , on the iron table was a small red book . She picked it up . It was a copy of Shakespeare 's Sonnets . For months now she had been finding such things . She wasn 't frightened anymore ; there was no threat in these little gifts . Even though she had been terrified that first night , the night he had saved her life proved that he meant her no harm . Now she looked forward to these small sweet offerings . There was something magical about this phantom visitor . She had tried to catch him a few times , when she had caught his shadow out of the corner of her eye , against the curtains of the newly repaired balcony doors , but he was too fast for her . She had even begun to look forward to his visits and his gifts . First the rose , then a book - Charles Dickens ' Great Expectations ' and tonight these sonnets and on the flyleaf , in an elegant hand , was written the words . Tonight was , April 12th , the anniversary of the night that in the journal was when she had been brutally beaten and left in the park . For so long he had been planning for this moment . And there she was watching him . His heart thumped loudly in his chest . This moment was the linchpin on which his life was balanced . This moment could either begin a new life for them both or destroy Catherine . He had tried to let her know he was no threat . He had tried to gently portray his feelings for her , as those of kindness and care . not obsession . He stayed , transfixed by her , even if she was about to scream , it would be worth the pain , just to look at her , to see her face . But she didn 't scream . She didn 't move . She stood watching him . He wanted to speak but did not know what to say , afraid that by speaking he would frighten her . She stood watching him , and no horror or fear came to her face , nor did he feel it in her heart . " Vincent … " she said again , looking down at the small unique crystal in her palm . " I 'm sorry . I … didn 't mean to frighten you . " Vincent 's gaze went from the crystal to the flagstones at her feet remembering . He had gone to the crystal cavern , and the same crystal was there , where the journal said it would be . He had taken it to Mouse who had wrapped wire around it . Mouse had asked if the cavern was neat but had not asked who the necklace was for . Vincent 's trips to Catherine were something he had kept to himself . He had been so deeply caught up in giving to her the peace that she so dearly needed that he had unknowingly found a new depth to his love for her . Catherine was wounded and isolated and because of this other aspects of her personality had come to the fore , Her ability to overcome so many losses was not surprising . But she had become more accepting of his differences and he was deeply touched by this . Reluctant to leave , yet he knew he should . Indecision warred within him . " I must go , " he repeated , not wanting to shatter this fragile acceptance with a prolonged stay . " Please stay . " She said more softly . " I … this is the first moment of peace I have had in years . I - I know it has something to do with you and I don 't want to lose it . I - know now why you had to hide , and I understand so much now . Please stay . " She looked around , for a way to keep him there , and saw the copy of Shakespeare 's sonnets on the round iron table . " You gave these to me ? " And she lifted the book . " I have found these Sonnets very helpful in the past few months . Thank you for giving them to me . Would you like to read some of them ? " " Come inside . It 's cold out here , " she surprised him , " I have a warm fire burning and a comfortable couch , I can make us some tea . Do you like tea ? " Vincent hesitated , but then stepped over her threshold . He heard the echo of something shattering in the back of his mind . He had a feeling as though some huge chasm had been crossed by that one step . Vincent left an hour later assured of Catherine 's acceptance and filled with such a feeling of peace that he could not believe it . From that night Catherine slept peacefully , in the knowledge that there was someone like Vincent who , like Romeo , would climb to her balcony just to spend time with her . It gave her comfort and she never felt alone again or afraid . The next night when Vincent slipped over the wall of Catherine 's Balcony she was there waiting for him and the balcony was surrounded by candlelight . She came to him and said . " When I was a child I was afraid of the dark and I used to have a terrible time falling to sleep , and my mother gave me something . She told me that if I ever got frightened , to hold it and think of her and to know that wherever she was that she was thinking of me . It helped me a great deal over the last two years . But now I don 't need it anymore , because I have you . I had forgotten what it was like to have someone to be thinking of me . I would like to give it to you . " After this motion , she lifted her hand to the crystal that hung about her own neck . " I will never take this off . " She murmured with a smile . " I am glad . " Vincent said with a smile . This night and every evening afterward , Vincent and Catherine spent together , and as the months passed their love grew . Their nights of talking or reading to one another , turned into nights of holding each other . Catherine was in his arms , listening to him read ; he felt her mood change from contemplation to something he had never felt in her before . He looked down at her , unable to believe her beauty , and how fortunate he was to be seated on her couch in front of a warm fire . Their eyes met and Catherine smiled , placing a hand on his cheek , bringing his face closer to hers and she pressed her lips to his . " Vincent I love you … " Catherine murmured as she kissed him again . He lowered his head unable to look at her , knowing how unbelievable it seemed . " Yes … I have no explanation , only to say that I knew your pain and suffering , and wished to ease it . " Catherine kissed him again . " Catherine … Vincent began to protest , but she put her finger to his lips . As though she knew his fears Catherine said . " Vincent to me you are beautiful … " And she kissed him again , and quickly he felt his resolve slipping away . He couldn 't believe what was happening , he was hesitant , and there were so many uncertainties within him until he remembered the words he had read in his journal . " Catherine is my life , without her I am nothing . If I am ever fortunate enough to be loved by her I will never hold back . I will take with both hands the life I dream of . To deny this is to deny that which is truly precious . . . " These words encouraged him not to withdraw , or move out of her embrace . And he began to burn wherever their bodies touched . Catherine kissed him again , this time more slowly and his heart beat frantically . Should he dare ? Should he allow this ? And before he knew it his body had taken over and it was too late for decisions only actions . Catherine stood beside Vincent in Father 's chamber . In her arms was their six week old baby son . Vincent looked down at them ' his family ' and she smiled up at him . He could barely believe how his life had changed in the last two years . When he had felt Catherine 's excitement just over eight months ago , he had come to visit her and she had happily told him that she was carrying his child . Amazed and thrilled he had hesitantly asked her if she would come and live in his world . A month later they were married , and today was the naming ceremony of their son . Father had just finished his speech to welcome the child and the room became silent and Vincent suddenly realized he had been asked a question . His eyes were centered on his wife and son and his mind was on them alone . He lifted his head and smiling at his father said . " Sorry Father . " " That 's all right Vincent , we understand . " Father said and everyone in the room laughed . They understood the complete devotion these two had for each other , and doubted that it would ever waver in the years to come . Vincent laughed and so did Catherine who blushed slightly . Turning to his father Vincent remembered when he had first told the older man of his love for Catherine and was surprised by his reaction . Father was concerned of course , but he was overjoyed that his son had found someone who loved him and had asked to meet the lucky young woman . |
I got back to the TGI offices at just past five o ' clock on that Friday in mid - February , having spent the day with a client . As I came through the main door the new receptionist called me over : " Sorry , it 's the end of my first week , and I 'm just trying to put names to faces . You 're David Finch aren 't you ? " I 'm Deputy Head of Insurance Development . My boss is Tim Williams , you probably know him . In fact , talk of the devil . . . " and Tim came down the stairs with his secretary Davinia , they were obviously on their way out somewhere . Tim greeted me with " Hi , Dave . We 're just going over to the pub . It 's a bit early , but I decided we deserve a drink . Why don 't you come over later . " Now I 've worked with Tim for over five years now . We get on really well , he had joined the company only a couple of months ahead of me , and we 've been work friends the whole time . He 's progressed up the greasy pole so that he 's now head of development for all insurance systems at TGI Financial and I have the dubious honour of being his deputy . Tim and I got a bit closer last year when he had a bust up with his wife Beth because she had an affair . He was a bachelor for a while , and I rather looked forward to some good boy 's nights out with him , but it never happened . Just as he was getting over the bust up , and was showing signs of getting interested in women again , he reconciled with Beth . In some ways I don 't blame him , she 's a gorgeous looking woman , but I reckon he 's gone back for more trouble . Women are like that . That 's why I 'm one of that rare breed , a committed bachelor . There aren 't many of us left . Anyway , when Tim says ' come over later ' it means ' don 't join us now , we 're going to have a private chat . ' My guess is that Davinia 's having one of her regular upsets with her stupid boyfriend . The sooner she dumps him the better . Then I can get in there , just to help her get over him , of course . So , I went up to my desk and picked up my messages . By the time I 'd sorted out those , and rescheduled some of the work for the client of the day , it was past six o ' clock . Definitely ' later ' ! As I came into the bar I saw Tim , he was standing chatting to a group from the department . They were some of the younger ones , and were standing listening to him . I doubt whether he realises that they are politely listening to their senior boss . He thinks he 's having a drink with the guys . But then , that 's what I 'm about to do . I scanned the group , everyone seemed to have full glasses , so I just bought myself a pint and joined them . Tim turned to me , and the youngsters fell away to form their own circle . " She 's left . She 's got some domestic things to sort out . " Tim looked at me , probably wondering whether he was breaking Davinia 's confidentiality if he said more . I put on my best hurt look , because I knew that he thought better of me than that , " I 'll have you know I 'm a gentleman . I always take my weight on my elbows . Anyway , what are you still doing here ? You don 't normally hang around in here these days . " Tim turned away from the crowd , leaned into me and lowered his voice , " Beth is coming down to meet me here . It 's a bit sensitive for her . We expect that she is still the subject of gossip . That scarlet woman who I 've allowed back in my life . We decided that the only thing to do was to face up to it , so this evening is to be a demonstration of true marital bliss . " " It is marital bliss , isn 't it ? Everything 's alright between you guys now ? " I asked . I was concerned , I didn 't fancy broken hearted Tim round two , even if it was inevitable at some time . " Yes . It 's good . It has its bad moments , but it has some very good times as well . And we are getting less of the former and more of the latter these days . That holiday in Antigua was fabulous , it did us both the world of good , and we did a lot of talking . We are back together for good . " Tim looked me in the eye . I believed his sincerity . Just at that moment there was a rare sight these days , Charlie Bullard , a founding director of the company came into the bar . Charlie founded the company as the junior partner with Neil Timmons many years ago . In the good cop bad cop analogy , Charlie is definitely the good cop . Neil is the hard businessman , Charlie is the one who makes it all work . He stepped through the crowd to Tim and myself . Tim smiled , " I guess his wife told him to drop in . " I was none the wiser , but Tim continued , " Beth and myself were at the Bullard 's last week for dinner , and I guess Beth told Rose , that 's Charlie 's wife , that she was a bit apprehensive about turning up here tonight . So I guess Rose told Charlie to come along in support . " " That 's kind of him . You must be one of the chosen if Charlie is giving you that sort of support . I must remember to glue myself to your coat tails . " At that point Charlie returned , trying to carry three pints . I moved to help him . " Thanks , I 'm a bit out of practice . There was a time when I could carry six pints . But that was in the days when glasses had handles . " We made small talk , until I excused myself to join some others in the department . A couple of them were wondering what Charlie was doing there . But then he started circulating , chatting happily with all and every TGI ' er that he could find . I watched him , he was a master at it . As far as I could tell , he knew everyone by name , he had a smile and a joke with them all . Frequently he would hold their arm or elbow ; or put a hand on their shoulder ; or turn to them to pay special attention to whatever triviality they were talking about . Then Beth arrived , and made her way to Tim . They kissed , and both did look as if they were genuinely pleased to see each other . Tim went and got her a drink . I turned back to talk to a group of young lads from the department , including Drew Thompson . Drew was three years younger than me , but he seemed to be the next oldest heterosexual bachelor in the company . All the rest were either married or in serious relationships . Drew wasn 't blessed with my looks , thanks to my Italian grandfather and some good genes , but he used his advantage of being a bit closer in age to our usual prey , I reckon we were about even in our abilities to pick up women . " I might well do so . If you guys can stand the competition . I 'll see how it goes tonight . I haven 't given up hope that Deana Treifuss may still come in . You know the girl from Accounts . " I replied , glancing at the door . " Well , we parted on good terms . Maybe I 'm feeling lazy . It 'd be easier than shouting at Shades . " I looked at him . " I didn 't know that . Why don 't people keep me up to date with the gossip ? Come back Stella , all is forgiven . But , no . I don 't want sloppy seconds after Sharman 's been at it . Anyway , I thought he was married ? " I broke out from talking to Drew to go over to Beth . She greeted me like an old friend , which was a bit of a surprise . She always gave me the impression that she tolerated me for Tim 's sake . I kissed her on both cheeks . " Well I think so . I was a fool you know . But I 'm glad he had people like you around him , that stopped him going off the rails . If he had , I don 't think I 'd ever have got him back . " " Well , that 's all in the past . Come and meet Drew and some of the others . " I took her arm to lead her back to the lads . But I knew she needed all the help and support she could get . Her eyes belied her confident manner . " Oh , let me . It 'll do my standing the world of good to have the best looking girl in the room on my arm for a moment or two . " I took her over and introduced her . The guys didn 't let me down , they may have had a couple of pints inside them , but they managed to be polite when the boss 's wife was with them . Except for Drew , who whispered in my ear " I don 't blame Tim . I 'd have gone back for a pair of tits like that . " Thank God that Drew had whispered , because just as he was doing so Charlie Bullard passed us on his way to effusively greet Beth . A showy kiss on both cheeks , and a private joke . I guess every TGI ' er there noted that she had been blessed with friendliness from a founding director . I doubt whether it would do Tim 's reputation in the company any harm either . I didn 't really want to go . Nightclubs were expensive and noisy , and worst still , they were beginning to make me feel old . " Yeah , OK then . But only if we can stop for a burger on the way up the road . I 'm starving . " I noticed her within five minutes of getting into Shades . She was talking to two other girls . Blonde , tallish , mid to late twenties . Very good figure , maybe a few pounds over weight , but most of that seemed to have given her a sexy , rounded softness . Quite well dressed , sexy but not slutty . She was a definite possibility , but I 'll check out what else is on offer first . The lads disappeared off looking for their own conquests . Several of them linked up with a group of girls that they already knew . So I was quickly on my own . On my second drink I saw her again , leaning against a pillar , looking bored and with an empty glass . After we had our drinks , I introduced myself . Her name was Lucy . We chatted a bit , then I noticed : pale white lines around the fourth finger of her left hand . Warning bells started . But drinking and chatting wasn 't a commitment . Nightclubs are not the best environment for chatting . And the beers earlier and the loud music were beginning to give me a headache . I don 't know whether she noticed , but she came to my rescue . " Do you think there is somewhere where we might get a coffee . " " Well , I 'll risk it . I 'll just go and tell my friends what I 'm doing . " and she disappeared off into the throng . She wasn 't mentioning her husband or marriage . So , I 'll give test her directly . " But there is a man in your life , isn 't there ? I can 't believe that some guy didn 't snap you up long ago " She looked at her lap , and then at me , and then at her coffee . Eventually she made up her mind . " I 'm married . How did you know ? " She laughed , which was what she was meant to do . " Oh , the marriage is over . It 's just a matter of one of us getting out . Neither of us has any illusions . Pete 's away most weeks and most weekends these days . I just needed to leave all that behind and just be myself for an evening . " " Look , this isn 't meant to be a therapy session . Or not like that anyway . I just want a good night out with my mates , followed by good night in with some guy that 'll make me feel whole again . Come on Dave , I 'm offering it to you on a plate . " She leant forward , put her coffee down on the table and put both hands on my thighs . I leant forward , leaning into her face , she raised her lips to mine . So close , I tipped my head slightly to one side , I raised my hand to be behind her head , pulling her into me . " So , answer my question , why don 't you get out ? " " Look , Lucy . I don 't get involved in other people 's marriages . It 's always bad news . Now , you 're welcome to my bed if you want to spend the night away from him . I 'll sleep in the spare room . But , if you want me in there with you , and there are parts of me that are aching for your special attention , then you 've got to convince me that I ain 't treading into another guy 's territory . " " Why don 't I get us a bottle of wine and we can sit and have a drink and you can tell me about it ? Or a brandy if you prefer ? " I stood up , looking down on her . I sat down on the sofa , next to her , and put my arm round her . " Tell me . Then we can get on to getting you into that bed . " I ran my hand up and down her back . " Well things haven 't been good for Pete and me for sometime . He works in catering , but he lost his job about nine months ago . The only job that he could get was a contract up in Edinburgh . So he 's up there all the time . At first he would come home for a couple of days each week , but he doesn 't even do that these days . I guess he 's got someone else up there . " " No . Of course he doesn 't . And he 's got a terrible temper , if I accuse him of anything he instantly loses it . That 's why he lost his job in the first place . But we 've got two kids and a mortgage and car loan , and I don 't work . So , I 've got to be careful . " She looked up , turning to look directly in my eyes . " But it is all over . There is nothing left . You aren 't poaching . I 'm just learning , I haven 't done this before . " I pulled her into me and kissed her . She tasted of her minty cocktail from Shades , overlaid with coffee . My hand came up to her breast . " Go on , you must have done . You 've got two kids . " I kissed her again , harder , more passionately this time . I kissed her again , she followed it by little nips of her teeth , very gently , on my chin . I nuzzled in to lick her neck , just by her ear . " Why don 't I get that bottle of wine , but let 's take it into the bedroom . " I whispered . We disentangled ourselves and I took hold of her hand and led her to the bedroom . I turned to her and took her in my arms and kissed her , our tongues exploring each other 's mouths . " You are sure that your husband doesn 't count at all . That divorce is absolutely the only option . ? " I returned with a bottle of white wine straight from the fridge . I had opened it in the kitchen and grabbed two glasses . I looked at her , she was sitting on the edge of the bed , just watching me . I poured out two glasses and handed her one . I took a sip of mine and put it down . " Wait there while I have a very quick shower . I went straight from work to the pub to Shades . And I 've been in London for a large part of the day . I must stink . " " It 'll be nicer for you if I have a shower . I won 't be long . " I took another sip of wine and went to the bathroom . I 've never had such a quick shower . But I felt better afterwards , awake , fresh and ready . I cleaned my teeth , sprayed myself lightly with some cologne . Then I wrapped a white fluffy towel around my waist , one that showed off the remains of last year 's suntan , and I was back in the bedroom in ten minutes flat . She was still sitting on the edge of the bed , sipping her wine . I sat next to her . " Hi . I thought you might have made yourself a bit more comfortable . " I put my arm around her and pulled her in for a kiss . She was less passionate than before . Damn , my shower break had allowed her nerves to step in . " Let me help you . " My hand went to the zip at the back of the dress . " Hey , Lucy . What 's the matter ? Nerves ? Haven 't done this in a long time ? Don 't worry , you 're in the hands of a master . " I whispered , as I took the two shoulders of the dress and gently slid them forward and down her arms . Under it she was wearing a white strapless bra , nothing particularly sexy . I guess the best that was in a married woman 's lingerie draw . She was biting her bottom lip as I slowly undid the catch at the back and slid it forward . Her breasts were wonderful . Full , soft , with dark nipples that were already long and hard . She still wasn 't with me , she was acquiescing , not participating . Her nerves were getting the better of her . It was time for a little ego boost . " Lucy , they 're beautiful . You 're beautiful . " My hand went to her left breast and gentle cupped it . I leant in and kissed her . At last , she was responding . Without really stopping the kiss , I pushed her back onto the bed . My other hand came up to her right breast , and took the nipple between my fingers , gently squeezing . I let go of her breast to loosen the towel at my waist . Then I took her hand and put it on my cock . She gently rubbed her hand up and down its length . " It feels harder than Pete 's ever has . " We kissed passionately . I sat up a little , to work on lowering her dress . She seemed to thrash about at that , then I realised she was kicking her shoes off . She then raised her hips off the bed so that I could get her dress down her legs . She was wearing a simple white thong , it may have matched the bra . And stockings , thigh highs . " I was right . You are beautiful , and very , very sexy . " I leant down to kiss her tummy , as I hooked my fingers into the sides of the thong and pushed downward . Again she raised her hips , and slowly the flimsy piece of nylon and cotton slid down her thighs . She had a small thin triangle of soft blonde hair . The rest was smooth and the lips of her pussy were blushed pink with a silvery line of moisture where they met . Again I leant forward to kiss her tummy , and then little butterfly kisses down to that soft hair . She still had her thong around her thighs . So I stood up and quickly pulled it down and off at her feet . She lay before me on the bed , looking up at me . I towered over her with my cock sticking straight out in front of me . Then she surprised me and sat up , I had to stand back slightly . She leant forward and took my cock in her hand , and lowered her head . She gently licked its head . And then exquisitely slowly , she lowered her mouth to take it in . I put a hand at the back of her head , just gently . With the other hand I picked up my wine and took a sip . Does it ever get any better than this ? A beautiful naked woman sucking your cock whilst you sip chilled white wine . Eventually , I stepped back , withdrawing from her mouth . I pushed her back on the bed , and stood over her . I half turned to open my bedside drawer and grab a condom . Then I knelt on the floor . I kissed her tummy and then in a trail down to her pussy . I started with a lick all the way up the lips , driving my tongue in a little firmer as I approached her clit . A little more tongue work and I had her shuddering and sighing . Then I crawled up her body , my cock found home as I drove my tongue into her mouth . Her hands came up my back , holding me but giving me room to work . God , I needed this ! Gently at first I started a slow rise towards our orgasms . My body lowered onto her , she took my earlobe between her lips , nipping it gently with her teeth . Then her fingernails began to bite into my back , her teeth began to tighten onto my ear , but with my arm under her shoulders I was pulling her up to meet my strokes . We both rose to our climaxes . She beat me by about twenty seconds . I got off her and flopped besides her . I quickly peeled the condom off and dropped it into the bin I keep beside the bed . I lay back . " Thanks Lucy . " I turned my head , then moved toward her far enough to kiss her forehead . " I guess for our different reasons , we both needed that . " and then we fell asleep . I woke up about an hour later . Lucy was sleeping peaceful , and she only stirred when I laid the duvet over her . I climbed in beside her . We both woke up to the radio alarm going off with the seven o ' clock news , my weekday setting . I 'd forgotten to turn it off . She snuggled in closer , and then we drifted into that pleasant land of half wakefulness . Eventually , I quietly slipped my hand into the bedside drawer for another condom . I got it on and then I rolled over to face her . " Hi , Sleepy , how about round two ? " I slid a hand down to cup her bottom . " How about it starts with me on top " she smiled , pushing me back . She climbed on top and put a hand down to guide me into her . She sat back with my cock fully embedded into her pussy . She gently rose up on my cock , and then plunged down again . And then she did it again . Soon the sensations overtook both of us and we just fucked , ending up in doggy position . I came deep inside her , and then knelt back . I admired her arse , maybe a little overweight by a few pounds , but a beautiful heart shape . I slapped it , " Tea or coffee ? The best I can do you is toast and marmalade . But I promise you the bread is the best you can buy in town and the marmalade is mail order only from a little company in Cornwall . " She collapsed , to lie on her front , her head turned to watch me . I quietly took off the condom and dropped it into the bin with its friend . I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom . " Well , what do you want to drink ? " Soon I returned to the bedroom with a breakfast tray . Lucy was lying on the bed , looking around the room . " This is a nice bedroom . I like the paintings . " " Good heavens , no . I work at TGI , but I 've got a well paid job and I like nice things . My father died a couple of years ago and left me all his money , not that there was a lot of it , but it also helps . " " She walked out on us when I was four . I never really saw her after that . The last I heard of her was at about the time of Dad 's funeral . She was in Australia with her fourth husband . So I guess she 's onto number five by now , and I haven 't the faintest idea where , nor do I care . " I guess I sounded a bit bitter . I didn 't mean to , I didn 't like to think that I cared that much . " Well I count Drew as a friend . A couple of the others work for TGI as well , but as I 'm their boss 's boss it is a bit awkward going out on the pull with them . The other two I haven 't the faintest . " I buttered a slice of toast and put some marmalade on it , and took a bite . " It was just that you seemed to be a bit of a loner . " She took a bite of her toast and marmalade . " Hey ! This is good . Ten times better than you 'd get at my house . " " Yes . So many of them down there are so young . I was beginning to regret going , but then you turned up . I know you saw me , but then you wandered off , checking out the room I guess . " She smiled at me , but with a raised eyebrow , asking the question . " Typical of women . When it comes to men , you are always one step ahead . You see what you want and get it . " I hoped there wasn 't any bitterness in my voice . That was a fair question , I certainly don 't see TJ as often as I once did . " Well , he lives in London . And he was married to a girl I once dated , so it got a bit complicated . " " Yeah . She had a sort of relaxed view of marriage . In fact she took a relaxed view of life for as long as I 've known her . TJ first met her when she was going out with me . In fact , on that first time she had a threesome with TJ and me . Then after they were married , I had her several times . Anyway , he decided that monogamy and children was for him . She decided that it wasn 't for her . " " She swapped around on you two when she was married ? And you quizzed me about my marriage last night and came over all holier than thou ! ? " She sounded indignant , probably rightly . " First , it wasn 't like that . TJ and myself were always honest with each other . He knew , in fact he encouraged it , for me to have her when they were married , and he knew about everything and he was there for most of it . You don 't screw a friend 's wife except in an open relationship all round " " Oh . Sure . We don 't let women break up our friendship . But it 's never been the same since . That 's what you women do . Leave damage behind you . " " Oh Yes . Well , it 's part of what brought me here , to TGI and this place . About six years ago I got tangled up with a married woman . She was a lot older than me , married to an even older rich husband . I guess I was a sort of toy - boy . Well , she got a bit obsessive , and then he found out . There were dreadful rows and scenes . She turned up one night on my doorstep with three suitcases , she 'd left him for me , which was bloody ridiculous . Then he turned up to collect her . It was all a fucking mess . In the end , I don 't think any of us walked away happy . They got divorced , three children lost their happy home , and I ended up changing my job to come to live here . I suppose that was a good thing in a way . I like it here . But never ever again . " " Did you love her ? " She looked at her watch . " Don 't answer that . I 've got to get dressed and get home . I 've got to get the children before Pete gets back . " " No . I 'll give you a lift . There are a couple of shops that I like to use in Sheepen , so I 'll take the opportunity to get some things . You go off for a shower , and I 'll follow you as soon as you 've finished . " I slapped her backside gently , and gathered the breakfast things back onto the tray . And that 's what we did , I gave her a lift home , a small modern house on an estate on the edge of town . We swapped telephone numbers . Then as I had said , I took the opportunity to do some shopping in a couple of specialist food shops . The rest of the weekend passed without a lot happening . Housework , shopping , cooking , a visit to the gym and a pint in my local was order of the day for Saturday . On Sunday I turned out for the Fun Run organised by K ' n F , my favourite charity . K ' n F devote themselves to one parent families , like mine was with my Dad . Children deserve a proper family , they need both parents . When the mother decides that she 's got a better offer , it may be the husband that hurts and struggles for the rest of his life , but it is the children who can really be damaged . I was lucky , because Dad did a pretty decent job on bringing me up , but I 'll never allow myself to get caught like he did , I saw close up just how much he suffered . On Monday in the office Tim put his head around my door mid morning to tell me he was out for the rest of the day . I gave it half an hour , then I went over to his office to look for him . Surprisingly , Davinia was there by herself ! " No , you 've missed him . " She smiled at me , but she did look rather pale and tired . " He won 't be back ' til tomorrow . Is it urgent ? I expect he 'll phone me at some time for his messages . " " OK . I 'll be back at about one . " And I left her to her screen and papers . I think I 'll count that as a success . We went to Not Steinbeck 's , always a good place for women . I offered her a shoulder to cry on , and she took full advantage . I got an hour and a half of all that was wrong with Tod , mixed with all that was right with him . It seems that Tod had been her boyfriend for two years . He was a teacher at the local school , but had decided that he hated it , teaching wasn 't for him . Unfortunately , he hadn 't decided what was for him . So he had taken an apprenticeship in becoming a couch potato , at Davinia 's expense . That had been going on for months , with only a short break when he took a temporary job over Christmas . I broke her ramblings by giving her hand a reassuring squeeze . " So , have you moved out , or has he ? " I asked , looking for a way to move the conversation on , for her sake . " I have . It was his flat , but I don 't know how he 's going to pay the rent at the end of the month . I 've offered to take it over , if he moves out . In the meantime , I 've moved back with Ma and Pa . " " Well I 've got a spare room , if you want it . No pressure , it 's just there . " I wondered if I sounded a bit too much like a friendly big brother , but I think that 's what she needed . What does that mean ? Is it a hint ? Well there 's only one way to find out : " Well , how about we go to the cinema one evening ? " I put my hand out to hers and gave it a squeeze , but not a reassuring one this time . I hoped it conveyed a promise of things to come . I left my hand there . Odd , Tim doesn 't normally go for a drink mid week these days . He works late , he 's frequently here when I leave . Maybe he has something to tell me . " Sure . It 'll have to be a quick one though . I 'm going to the gym with Drew at six o ' clock . " So that 's how the three of us ended up at the Black Swan after our gym session . We took a table in the corner of the bar . " You don 't seem to be in a hurry tonight , Tim ? " " Oh , she 's in PR for a small food consortium . And the Food Fare is one of their annual shindigs . She 's got the launch of a new ice cream . " " Well , if they 've got a good vanilla , made with real vanilla pods , then I 'm in . I 've been looking for one of those . The best one I 've found is Sherbrook Farms , and it 's too rich . " " Well , I don 't know . I expect I 've tried it , Beth brings all sorts of samples home . But I 'm not an expert . Come round to Blindside , I expect there 's some in our freezer right now . " " Well that 's because she 's got something to look forward to . She 's coming to the cinema with me tomorrow . " I looked at them , triumphant . Tim smiled and shook his head . Drew looked at me " It isn 't fucking fair . I didn 't know she was available . I 've been chatting to her regularly every week , just to check . And now you , you fucking bastard , get in there before I even had a chance . Fucking bosses ! " " Ah . Young Drew , you have much to learn in the ways of the world . Time , tide and bachelor friends wait for no man ! " I observed sagely , but with an even more triumphant smile . " I never turn down a free meal . But can I see how tomorrow evening goes ? I maybe busy on Saturday night . And anyway , if Beth 's been away all week , won 't you be busy on Saturday night ? " " No , she gets back on Friday night . So given Friday night and Saturday morning , I reckon we 'll be needing some sustenance by Saturday evening . " He looked at me and smiled , knowingly . He paused , staring at his beer , then he looked up at me " Well I won 't pretend it 's always perfect , because it isn 't . There are times . . . But , we are getting better at handling it . She knows when I 'm hurting , and she doesn 't go into a big Sorry - Sorry - Sorry act these days , she just gives me a cuddle and we wait for the moment to pass . Equally , I 'm getting better at not saying the cruel comment that really was only aimed at hurting her . In fact they don 't come to mind so often these days . And I 've come to realise that she needs ways of showing me how sorry she is , and how much she loves me , and we 've channelled that rather well . . . " he never completed that bit . " Nearly six months . But I think that actually helped in a perverse way . We were both over the initial hurt and pain . We both knew we could get divorced and go on to different separate lives . We both chose to get back together , as free individuals that felt that was our best route to our personal future happiness . We 're there because we want to be , not because I 've granted her some reluctant , watchful pardon . Nor because she has chosen to stick with me , despite being unhappy , or anything like that . " He looked up at me , pausing to consider , " You never get as far as a truly deep relationship with a woman . You should try it sometime , Dave . It 's good . " On Wednesday evening , Davinia hadn 't wanted to go out straight from work . Nor had she wanted me to collect her from her parent 's house . So we met at the little tapas bar opposite the multi - screen . We went into the film not touching . We came out holding hands . We went into the pizza place at the bottom of the High Street still holding hands , and after a quick kiss at the doorway . We came out of there , heading for my place for coffee , with my arm around her waist . " Yes . I want to , but I don 't feel happy . I know that sounds muddled , but . . . I 'm sorry . " She looked up at me with those perfect , innocent , blue eyes . I could do nothing but let her off the hook . " That 's OK . I 'm rushing you , and I don 't want to . Really , it 's OK . " I kissed her gently . " I 'd love to , but I can 't . I 've got a cousin 's wedding . I 'm dreading it , it 'll be the first time that the family will see there 's no Tod anymore . But , I 've got to face it . " " I 'd like that . But I 'm not sure . Give me a couple of days to find out what Ma & Pa 's plans are , you know what family weddings are like . I could find that I 'm expected to be somewhere on Sunday . " " OK . Let 's talk about it on Friday night in the pub . You 'll be going to the pub now , won 't you ? With the rest of us . " On Friday , I was late to the pub . I stopped and took in the scene . Davinia was in a centre of the main group of our department , drinking and chatting happily . Drew was on the edge . I wanted a word with him , about work . I brought him his drink . " This is off the record , and if pressed , I never said a word . But how do you feel about taking on a project of your own ? " " Yeah . Only a simple small one . It 'll take a team of about three , maybe four . I was looking at the schedules , and I 've got a small one coming up , and I was wondering how to allocate it . If you like the idea , I 'll put it in front of Tim . " I glanced at Davinia , across the room . She was watching myself and Drew . " Mind your own bloody business . And keep away , at least for the moment . " " Look , Drew . " I paused to look at him , meaningfully , " This has nothing to do with work . And no , I 'm not ordering you , you know me better than that . But she 's had a rough time and she doesn 't need the pair of us fighting over her . " I turned to see Alice coming through the door . I nudged Drew " Now if you want somewhere to focus your attention , why not there ? I reckon she 's got the best body in the company . " " No , he 's got a hot date . . . " She looked at me , concerned , but didn 't say anything . " . . . with Beth . " She looked relieved . I added , " Beth 's been away all week . " " At the moment , some horizontal dancing I guess . But , as far as I know , they really are together . I 'm invited tomorrow night as well . " There was something about Alice that always worried me , I always felt slightly nervous with her . I 'd never decided why . I decided to undermine her " You fancied Tim , didn 't you ? " " What , last year , when he was on his own ? Well , if he 'd invited me I would have gone , but I reckon it would have slipped into a friendship rather than passion very quickly . He 's too safe , too nice for me . But I do like him - a lot . Beth is a lucky girl . " " Now , now . She 's an old friend . And she was telling me that she 's been invited to Tim 's for dinner tomorrow night . I 've been invited as well . So whilst you are dancing with dirty old uncles , I 'll be dining with the boss . " " Yes , but he 's not bossy , he 's a nice person . He and Beth invited myself and Tod to dinner a few weeks back , just after they got back from Antigua , and Tod was in one of his moods . You could have cut the air with a knife , but Tim was ever so nice about it , he made a joke of it on the Monday . " She turned and looked at me . " Drew knows about us . You knew I didn 't want it to be spread throughout the department . " " I 'm sorry . It sort of came out , and it was before you said anything . I 'm sure he won 't spread it about , you can trust him . He knows the rules about that sort of thing . " " Well , how about a drive out for a traditional Sunday lunch somewhere ? Then we can get to know each other a little better . Then afterwards , we can go back to my place and get to know each other a little better . " I smiled . As I was leaving the pub , my phone rang . It was Lucy . Was I alone or with someone ? Alone . Was I going to Shades ? No . Was I around at the weekend ? No . But , yes I did want to see her , how about in the week ? She would call me . |
When the girls rang the doorbell , they heard Mrs . Henry shout , " Go Away . " " Mrs . Henry , " Amber yelled through the door . " It 's Laura and Amber . We came to see if you need any help . " " Come on in , " She yelled back . As the girls opened the door , they heard her say , " Might as well . You already woke me up . " The wrinkled condition of Mrs . Henry 's house dress told Amber and Laura that she really had been sleeping . Her thin white hair was piled up on her head so that it looked like a giant spider had woven its web there . " It 's a long story , " Mrs . Henry sighed . Amber and Laura were sure it would be . " I was late for my Bridge game and I had my arms full of old clothes I was taking to the thrift store . The gravel in my driveway was loose . I wish I had a cement driveway , but Mr . Henry said we couldn 't afford cement so we had to have gravel . Anyway , the gravel was loose and my feet started slipping . I tried to grab a hold of my car door , but I kept slipping . The next thing I knew , I was down on the gravel . I probably would have lain there until I died , but Doris Duncan came by to check on me when I didn 't show up at the Bridge game . At least I have one person who cares a little about what happens to me . She called for an ambulance and they took me to the hospital . The doctor ordered an x - ray and said I have a broken hip . The next day , I had surgery . They put me in rehab for three weeks , and now I 'm supposed to take care of myself . I can get around some in my wheelchair , but no one cares if I starve to death . " Laura and Amber jumped on their bikes and raced down the street toward the market . Laura had tucked Mrs . Henry 's money safely in her pocket . After they located all of the items in the store , they went to the checkout counter where Margaret , the clerk , rang up their purchases . Amber put the milk and bread in the basket of her bike . Laura took the eggs and coffee . They rode back as fast as they could , knowing that Mrs . Henry would be annoyed if they took too long . Just as they were turning the corner onto Hope Street , a large yellow dog ran out in front of them . Amber managed to miss the dog , but when Laura tried to swerve around him , she lost control of her bike . With a loud crash , she landed on the pavement , the back wheel of her bike still spinning around . Amber ran to help her up . That 's when she saw the raw egg spilled on the pavement . " Are there any unbroken ones ? " Laura asked as Amber opened the carton . Just then Amber realized they were on Betty Jenkins ' street . Amber and Laura knocked forcefully on Betty 's door . " What 's wrong ? " Betty asked when she saw the panic on their faces . " Don 't worry , " Betty said , calmly . " It was just an accident . We 'll think of something . Let me see if I have a dozen eggs in my refrigerator . " " Of course not . " Amber laughed " Those words aren 't in her vocabulary . " From The Handy Helpers : Seven is a Perfect Number , available from Amazon Last Sunday was Father 's Day , and I hope all the dads out there had a fun , relaxing day . The Handy Helpers wouldn 't miss this opportunity to tell their dads how much they love them . Here 's some of what happened in Bluesky on Father 's Day . Melissa was on her way to the kitchen with plans to make breakfast for her family . It would be a Father 's Day surprise . Last year her dad had been stationed in Afghanistan . They wished him happy Father 's Day on Skype . He told them he had limp bacon and runny eggs for breakfast . Melissa promised that when he was home , she would make him some of her famous pancakes . As Melissa passed her parents ' bedroom , she noticed her sister Trisha crouched in front of the door , holding a present between her knees . " Come on and help me with breakfast she whispered . Let Mom and Dad sleep as long as they can . " In the kitchen , Melissa poured the ingredients for buttermilk pancakes into a bowl and handed Trisha a spoon . " Mix this up while I cook the bacon . I 'm going to make it nice and crisp , just the way Dad likes it . " As she watched the bacon sizzling in the pan , Melissa thought about how much their lives had changed in the two weeks since her dad had been home . At first , she was really excited about doing lots of things with him . But sometimes her dad was in a bad mood and just wanted to lay in the hammock in the back yard . Other times , he wanted to know everything she was doing . He expected her to ask permission to do things her mom always let her do - things like talking on the phone or fixing a snack . " He 's just trying to figure out what his role is in our family , " her mother had told her . " Give it time , and everything will work itself out . " Melissa was trying to be patient , but she wondered if things were ever going to get better . " Good morning , " she said as her dad came into the kitchen . " Happy Father 's Day . " " You 're not taking that cake ! " Laura exclaimed as she looked at the food her mother packed to take to the Smith 's . There in the back of the Suburban among her mother 's superbly delicious red beans and rice , pecan pie , and pralines sat Laura 's not - so - nice - looking Father 's Day cake . Laura squeezed into the back seat along with the folding chairs her father had placed there . Her three sisters were already seat - belted into the middle seats , leaving her no choice . It was only a ten minute ride to the Smith 's , but Laura dreaded every minute . As the Thomas 's pulled up in front of the Smith house , they saw Spike sitting in the front porch glider . He had his head down and was scraping his feet across the cement . He looked up as they pulled into the driveway . The senior center was buzzing with activity when the Happy Helpers arrived . The Easter luncheon was one of the big events held at the senior center every year . Mrs . Snow was there , directing the volunteers . When she spotted the girls , she waved them over to where she was . " We have to get these favors on the tables at each place . " She handed a boxful to each girl . They were tiny straw hats decorated with flowers and birds attached to tiny hat racks with even more flowers and birds . " The theme is ' Hats Off to Spring , ' " Mrs . Snow seemed to read Amber 's mind . " Wait until the other seniors start arriving . You 're going to see some crazy hats today . " The Happy Helpers took their boxes of favors and started putting them out at each place . When they were finished , Mrs . Snow gave them boxes of silverware wrapped in pastel - colored napkins , each tied with a pink , green , or yellow ribbon . Plates had been placed at the beginning of the buffet line , and the glasses were on the beverage table . Mrs . Snow positioned the girls at the front door and handed them some programs to give out to each guest . The first couple through the door was Hank and Clarisse Anderson . Clarisse was wearing a fancy red hat with tiny roses and feathers around the brim . When Melissa told her how beautiful it was , Clarisse said that it was called the Titanic . " You have a nice hat , " Laura commented . " It looks like something from the Titanic movie too . " Hank wore a brown felt hat with creases in the front . Gus was the next to arrive . The girls tried not to chuckle when they saw his hat . It was a black visor with black and gray hair sticking out of the top . This was especially funny since the girls knew that Gus had no hair at all underneath the hat . Doris Duncan came in using a walker . Her hat was made of straw and was decorated with beautiful fresh flowers . Betty Jenkins wore a gray cowboy hat with a decorative band and black feather . The story of Martha and Mary in the Bible is one of my favorites . It is about two sisters who respond differently when Jesus comes to their house for dinner . Martha is busy with preparations , rushing around to get everything done . In the meantime , Mary sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to him talk . I think many of us identify with one of the sisters . For me , I am most like Martha . When I have guests , I am constantly busy making sure everyone has what they need . In between tasks , I try to visit with my guests , but I always have things I need to do as well . In the Bible story , Martha is upset when Mary doesn 't get up and help her . When Martha complains to Jesus , she expects him to order Mary to help . To Martha 's surprise , Jesus does just the opposite . He tells Martha that Mary has chosen the best way and he will not take that opportunity from her . An incident in Seven Is a Perfect Number was the perfect place to introduce this story . When the sharp - tongued Mrs . Henry breaks her leg , the Handy Helpers are called upon to help with some of her daily tasks . Reluctantly , they respond to Mrs . Henry 's daughter Clara 's plea to " not give up on her . " After spending an afternoon vacuuming and dusting Mrs . Henry 's house , Melissa comes home very upset . This is what happened : " That 's not the worst part , " Melissa went on . " All the time we were working on her house , she was sitting there with Beth Anne , talking and laughing . They were looking at her photo album . Beth Anne didn 't even offer to help . " " No it wasn 't , " Melissa continued , getting more upset . " She 's really lazy . I 'm glad we didn 't vote to let her in the Handy Helpers . " " I think you 'll be surprised . Anyway , humor an old lady and let me tell it . The story is about two sisters , Martha and Mary . Martha met Jesus and invited him to her home . She worked very hard to get everything ready and when Jesus arrived , Martha was busy serving food . Instead of helping her , her sister Mary sat down at Jesus ' feet and listened to him talk . Martha said to Jesus , ' Don 't you care that my sister is letting me do all the serving myself ? Tell her to help me . ' Jesus said to Martha , ' You are worried about many things . But you only need one thing . Mary has chosen the better part and I won 't take it from her . ' " " There are lots of ways to serve Jesus , " Sarah went on . " Serving him food was Martha 's way . He didn 't reject Martha or the food she served him . He just wanted her to see that Mary was also serving him by listening to his word . They were both serving Jesus , but he told Martha that Mary 's way was better . " We are all called to have a servant 's heart and to serve one another through love . But first we must have a heart for Jesus as Mary did . It is easy for me to be like Martha and I 'm happy to serve others . But it is my prayer that I can become more like Mary . For I am convinced that I will be a much more contented servant of Christ . Gus stopped his truck in front of a small house with brown siding . Paint was peeling from the dark - brown trim around the windows and door , and the roof was missing more than a few shingles . The blinds were pulled tightly shut , and a rusty No Trespassing sign hung on the chain - link fence . " Warren has some memory problems , " Gus said , opening the gate , " so I 'd better go talk to him first to make sure he remembers we 're coming . " " You know , a hairpiece . Not everyone is as comfortable in their own skin as I am . " Gus laughed , lifting up his straw hat to rub the top of his bald head . " Warren has been wearing that rug for as long as I 've known him . " The guys had been picking peaches for about forty - five minutes when Gus received a call on his cell phone . " That was Hank , " he told the boys . " Norman got stung by a bee and slid off the ladder . They 're working a few blocks away . I 've gotta take the first - aid kit over there and fix his bee sting and scraped leg . " With that , Gus got in his truck and drove away . Spike and Logan continued picking peaches . " These peaches smell so good , " Spike said . " Do you think it would be okay if we ate one ? " " There 's plenty of them . " Logan was standing next to a tree with branches so loaded with peaches they touched the ground . " I 'm sure no one would miss a couple of peaches . " They each pulled a peach from a tree and washed it at the faucet . The peaches were amazingly sweet and juicy . " This tastes so good , " Spike said . " Maybe we can take some home when we 're finished . " The boys were still enjoying their peaches when they heard a pounding noise coming from a window in Mr . Pritchard 's house . They looked up to see Mr . Pritchard shaking his finger at them . His hair seemed to move up and down with the movement of his finger . Suddenly Mr . Pritchard 's face disappeared from the window and reappeared at the back door . Raising the broom he held in his hand , Mr . Pritchard shouted , " Don 't you move ! The police are on their way . I 'm tired of you kids stealing my peaches ! " " Whatever you 're trying to say , save it for the police . This time I caught you in the act . You two are in big trouble ! " Within ten minutes , a police car pulled up in front of Mr . Pritchard 's house . As the officers came through the back gate , Spike and Logan let out a sigh of relief . They immediately recognized Officer Mills and Officer Fillmore . Officer Mills was a hefty man in his midforties with a red face and short brown hair . Officer Fillmore was a tall , slim black woman with a pleasant smile . Both wore uniforms . They were the police officers who had been on duty when Beth Anne was lost . " I hope they remember us , " Logan whispered to Spike . " These boys were stealing peaches off Mr . Pritchard 's tree , " Officer Mills explained . " He 's pressing charges . So I 'll have to take them in . " " Yeah , I guess so . I 'm going back in the house . Go ahead and pick the peaches . Just don 't let those boys eat them all . " If Amber thought going to church was difficult the Sunday before , that was nothing compared to the way she felt this week . It seemed like everyone at church was looking at her , like they all knew what she had done . Amber tried to avoid running into Mrs . Snow , but it seemed that Mrs . Snow went out of her way to say hi to Amber . " I hope you enjoyed the luncheon yesterday , " Mrs . Snow said , as if nothing was wrong . " You left so quickly we didn 't have a chance to talk when it was over . Hopefully , we 'll see you back at the senior center again . We always need good volunteers . " Amber spent the afternoon in her room . By that time , her parents knew the whole story . Mrs . Snow didn 't want to get Amber into trouble , but Mary persisted until she finally had no choice but to tell what had happened . " You can 't hide up here forever , " Mary said . " It 's a beautiful afternoon . We 're all going for a bike ride . Why don 't you come with us ? " " That 's not what you 're doing , " Mary insisted . " You know the right thing to do . You have to go back to the senior center as a volunteer . That 's how you can pay your dues for your don ' ts . Pray about it . Have faith that God will show you what to do . " " You 're lucky , " Amber said to her little plant as she picked it up from the windowsill . " You can 't make any mistakes . I wish I could sit in a pot of dirt all day . Then I wouldn 't make a mess out of everything I try to do . " " No , " Amber insisted . " I 'm just like the son in the Bible who wasted his inheritance . I 've wasted my chance to help seniors . " " But the father didn 't do that , did he ? " John continued . " Instead , he put a robe and a ring on his son . He ordered a feast in his honor because his son was lost and now he had been found . " " He forgave him . " Amber remembered . " He forgave him and made him his son again even after he made so many mistakes . I guess he thought his son had suffered enough . " " Forgiveness is a gift that 's freely given , " John explained , " not because someone has earned forgiveness . It is given out of love . Christ suffered for us when he died on the cross . That 's why we don 't have to suffer for our sins . All we have to do is go to him and ask for forgiveness . Do you know what mercy is ? " " God shows us mercy when he forgives us . God 's mercy is what we need the most when we deserve it the least . We follow Christ 's example when we show mercy to those who have hurt us . Do you understand ? " " That 's right . " John smiled . " He accepted his father 's gifts . But in order to do that , he had to accept his father 's forgiveness . What if he had said , ' I can 't take your gifts because I don 't deserve them ' ? " " That 's right , " John agreed . " His father gave him a chance to start over and be his son again . Your friends at the senior center have offered you the same chance to start over . All you have to do is accept their forgiveness and forgive yourself . Do you think you can do that ? " " Think about what I said . " John put his hand on her shoulder . " Then when you 're ready , I know you 'll make the right choice . " " Well , " Betty continued , " this Saturday is the last shuffleboard match of the season . I 'm up against Clarisse again , and I don 't think I have a chance without my cheering section . I 'm really hoping you 'll be there . " Laura and Melissa were busy setting up the yellow and black disks when Amber arrived . They waved to her as she walked over to the sidelines . Logan and Chris were setting out folding chairs for the spectators . Clarisse , in her hot - pink stretch pants , was warming up by swinging her arms in a circle . Betty was using the time before the match began to have a chat with Gus . It looked like he was talking to her as a coach . Soon , Walt was blowing the whistle for the start of the match . Betty won the toss . She elected to take the black disks , which meant that Clarisse would have the yellow and go first . Clarisse 's first disk landed on the line , which meant no points . Betty sent her first disk down to the scoring area , but it too fell short of landing in a space . By the first end , Clarisse had fifteen points and Betty had seventeen . Amber began to feel nervous watching the ladies walk to other end of the court . At the end of the second round , Clarisse was ahead , thirty - three to thirty - two . After two more rounds , the score was sixty - six to fifty - eight , with Clarisse still in the lead . A collective gasp went through the crowd as Clarisse scored seven points with her first disk , bringing her score to seventy - three . She was now only two points away from winning the match . Amber wanted to cheer when Betty 's first disk landed in the 10 spot . Now she had a chance to win . But Amber 's hopes were soon dashed when Clarisse scored eight more points . With her next disk , Betty knocked Clarisse out of the 8 spot and clear off the board . Amber managed to stop herself just before screaming out loud . Clarisse was noticeably shaken as she took her next shot . It barely made it to the " dead " line , scoring no points . Then Betty moved in for the kill . All she needed was seven points for the win . " Oh , yeah , well , she drives a pretty hard bargain . You 're very important to her , " Gus added . " I hope you know that . " " Really ? " Amber sounded doubtful . " Laura 's a lot smarter than I am , and Melissa is way prettier . Besides , I mess up a lot . " " Not too much , " Gus explained . " She had white hair when she passed away , but when she was young , she had dark - blond hair . She called it ' dirty blond . ' She was really short too . No , you don 't look too much like her , except for your eyes . She had the same warm , deep brown eyes you have . Sometimes there was a little mischief in them just like I 've seen in yours . Definitely , it 's your eyes that remind me of her . " " I miss her every day . " Gus looked away thoughtfully . " Someday I 'll be with her again . But until then , I 'm glad I have friends like you to spend time with . " " That 's just who I mean . He must be feeling pretty bad not to show up here for the shuffleboard finals . You may be the only one who knows just how bad he feels . " Amber knew where Spike lived even though she had never been to his house before . She was surprised at how neat his home looked . A white picket fence surrounded the freshly mowed lawn . Flowers spewed out of planters under the windows and from pots on the front porch . Spike 's oldest sister , Jennifer , answered the door when Amber rang the bell . She wore a long gray sweatshirt over black leggings . The inside of the house was equally as neat . Jennifer led Amber down a hallway lined with family portraits . In the kitchen , Monica , Spike 's other sister , was doing homework at the kitchen table . She was still dressed in her softball uniform . Amber recognized the math spread out in front of her . It was algebra , like she had seen Kyle doing . Then she remembered that Monica was also a freshman . " This is Tigger , " Spike told her . " She 's really Jennifer 's pet , but she lets me play with her . She can do some tricks . Want to see ? " " That 's funny . " Spike laughed too . " Jennifer took Tigger to a special doggy school . That 's why she can do so many tricks . " " Thanks . " Amber smiled . " I think so too . You know , everybody missed you at the shuffleboard match today . Betty beat Clarisse . It was pretty exciting . " " No , we compromised . We took the handy from your name and the helpers from our name . Now we 're the Handy Helpers . It works for everybody . " " You know I 'm the one who got you girls in trouble , don 't you ? Chris and Logan had nothing to do with it . I hid the spoons and spread the rocks all over the walkway . I even messed up the copy room with the papers you shredded . " " I have two older sisters , " Spike explained . " They 're always telling me how girls can do things better than guys . Why wouldn 't I think you were serious ? " " I guess I can see your point , " Amber said thoughtfully " But there are lots of jobs that need to be done and lots of things you guys can do better than we can . I think it makes sense to work together . Don 't you ? " " I 'm sorry too . I 'm the one who cut holes in the bags of shredding and threw the muddy water on the van you washed . We both did things we shouldn 't have , and we 're both sorry . But now we have a chance to start over and work together . That 's why I came to see you . I 'm hoping you 'll join us . We really need you . " " That 's what I thought . " Amber tried to smile . " Then my dad explained to me about forgiving yourself . He said that forgiveness is a gift that is freely given , not because we deserve it . But to accept forgiveness , we have to forgive ourselves first . Otherwise , we are rejecting the gift of forgiveness . Does that make sense ? " " That 's what I mean , " Amber said . " By offering us a second chance , they 're offering us a gift . We shouldn 't say no , because forgiveness is the nicest gift that anyone can give . " It was Melissa 's idea to dress up for the luncheon at the senior center . Amber would have been happy to show up in jeans and a T - shirt like she usually wore , but Melissa suggested she wear her Easter outfit . That meant that instead of riding her bike to the senior center , her mother drove her there so she wouldn 't get her clothes dirty . Melissa and Laura were already inside when Amber arrived . Mrs . Snow greeted her and showed her to the table . " We 'll be starting in a few minutes , " she said . " You get to sit at the head table . " Amber looked around the room . The junior volunteers were seated at a long table near the front - Three Handy Guys at one end and the Happy Helpers at the other . Walt and Mrs . Snow had places in the middle . There were vases of fresh flowers on the tables . The room was filled with chatter as the seniors were selecting seats at the round tables . " We 're here today , " Walt began , " to thank our junior volunteers who do so many nice things for us . " Walt introduced the Happy Helpers seated on his right and the Three Handy Guys seated on his left . " Since they are the guests of honor today , we 're going to let them go through the line first . Then we 'll call the order of the tables to follow . Stick around after you eat . We have a special video prepared by our own Hank Anderson . " " I 'm sure I will , " Amber said as she moved on to the potato salad and pasta salad . The table was loaded with all kinds of casseroles and breads . On another table , she saw luscious pies , cakes , and cookies . Amber looked for Betty 's special chocolate chip cookies but didn 't see them there . " These dark - green leaves are spinach ? " Amber asked , surprised . " That 's not possible . Spinach is stringy and bitter . This salad is crisp and sweet . " " Now I wish the grasshoppers hadn 't eaten the spinach in my mom 's garden . Maybe she 'll try again , and I 'll help her grow some spinach . Now that I know how good fresh spinach tastes . " The guests had just finished their desserts when Walt stood up and grabbed the microphone again . " As I said before , Hank has been making a video of the things that we do at the senior center . Without further ado , I call your attention to the screen that we 've set up on the north wall . Gus , could you please dim the lights . " As the room grew dark , Amber noticed Hank turning on the projector . It took a few minutes to warm up , and then a picture of the front of the senior center was visible on the screen . The viewers were taken on a virtual tour of the senior center as Walt , the narrator , pointed out all the activities that happened there . In the exercise room , a tai chi class was going on . Amber watched as the instructor led the seniors in smooth , graceful movements . She was thinking she would like to try tai chi some day . In the recreation room , seniors were playing chess and checkers . Others were working on a community jigsaw puzzle . The next scene showed seniors playing bingo in the dining room . Then there were highlights from the shuffleboard tournament . The video made being a senior look like a lot of fun . At last , the video showed what the Happy Helpers had been waiting for , the spring luncheon . They laughed as they saw themselves greeting the seniors who were wearing their funny hats . Walt continued to narrate as he explained how important it was to have good volunteers . He introduced the Three Handy Guys and talked about all the things they do . There was video of them mowing the lawn and washing the vans . Hank had even gone to Gus 's house and made a video of them painting his porch . Walt continued to talk about volunteers as the video showed the Happy Helpers shredding paper , setting the table , and cleaning the kitchen . As the next part of the video started , a hush fell over the lunchroom . This part wasn 't narrated by Walt . It showed the lunchroom the day the spoons disappeared . Bob was frantically trying to find the spoons . In the meantime , seniors were doing their best to eat the pudding with forks . In the video , pudding was dropping all over the tables and into laps . Some seniors tried drinking the pudding with equally disastrous results . Some were slipping on pudding that had been spilled on the floor . It could have been a scene from Funniest Home Videos , except no one was laughing . As the video continued , it showed the walkway in front of the senior center . Instead of being nicely swept , it was covered with rocks and clods of dirt . Seniors in wheelchairs and those with walkers were trying to navigate their way to the front door , but it was difficult with so much debris in their path . Amber looked over at Spike , who had his head down . Her face turned red as she watched the next part of the video . It was taken in the shredding room where Mrs . Snow and Walt were picking up the bags of shredding that Amber had cut the bottoms out of . They had shocked looks on their faces as the shredding flew everywhere . The two were down on their hands and knees , scooping it out from under the table and desk and stuffing it into new bags . Amber was wishing the video would end , but there was more . This time , it showed the van covered in muddy water . Bob was on his way to deliver lunches to the seniors who were homebound . Instead of taking nice , hot food to them , he was saying , he would have to take time to wash the van because the windshield was too muddy to see through . That was all Amber could take . In the next second , she was out of her seat and bolting for the door . Just as she came racing down the walkway , her mom pulled up in front . " What 's wrong ? " Mary asked when she saw the disturbed look on her daughter 's face . " Didn 't you have a good time ? " Amber went straight to her room and closed the door . She turned her face to her pillow just as the tears started to come . After about fifteen minutes , she stopped crying , except for an occasional sniffle . Amber went to the bathroom and washed her face . She hoped that she looked like nothing was wrong . But her puffy red eyes gave away the fact that she 'd been crying . " They were just trying to make a point , " Laura said . " Walt talked to the four of us afterwards . He said he likes having us as volunteers , but he doesn 't like the war that 's been going on between us and the Three Handy Guys . We all talked it out and decided to work together instead of fighting each other . Then we can be better helpers for the seniors . That 's what 's important , isn 't it ? " " But no one was hurt by that . I didn 't tell you before , but I 'm the one who cut holes in the bags of shredding . When I saw Mrs . Snow crawling under the table to try to get all that paper . . . " Amber 's voice trailed off . " We figured that out after we talked to Chris and Logan , " Laura told her . " They 're not mad . They know Spike did things to us . Everyone wants to just forget about it and start over . " " That 's easy for you to say . " Amber hung her head . " You 're not the ones who made a mess of everything . You 're better off without me . " " That 's not true , " Melissa said . " We need you . You 're an important part of our team . Like Mrs . Snow said , just because we got off to a rocky start doesn 't mean we should quit trying . We have a chance to really help people who need our help . That 's what matters . " |
Today I finally had the gumption to set up the tripod and camera and round up the dogs for a photo shoot . It was a beautiful morning , and I gave them plenty of time to play prior to attempting to get the four to " sit / stay " . It would have made a fairly entertaining video is all I will say . I did get the picture and ordered the Christmas cards ( yes , I know Christmas was last Sunday ) . But here I have to share a few outtakes . I forgot to feed the dogs tonight , but they reminded me . Tonight was the Christmas Pop 's concert at church . I had to be there early for warm up , and it was too early to feed the dogs before I left . Plus I don 't like to feed them and then leave because sometimes Bentley is still a " bowl bully " . I didn 't think the concert would be too late , so I just left without feeding them . Well , I got home around 9 p . m . and started wrapping gifts and eating a little snack . But I couldn 't figure out why the dogs were just standing there looking at me . I thought they just were looking at the snack , after all I did have cheese and they love cheese ! After several minute of being quietly stared at I remembered that I had not fed them . Oops , I quickly filled those bowls with their good Eukanuba kibbles and then shared a little cheddar cheese with them ! I was off on their routine and they knew it , smart doggies ! After a year with practically no rain , we are experiencing wet , wet , wet days . Some rain , some drizzle , and lots of humidity . While I am so thankful for the rain , I wish it would rain several inches and then dry up and then repeat the cycle . So do the dogs . They are miserable and wound up at the same time . They are refusing to go outside . Even good boy Sawyer had to be carried out this morning . Even though it is fairly dry under the eave of the house , they just do not want to go out . I can 't say that I blame them - I would not want to do my business in the rain . But it seems they are fanatics about keeping their feet dry . Except last night when Sawyer spotted something on the fence line and led the pack charging out into the mud for a little barking session . We 've had no walks , either , so they are full of energy . Poor babies . I 've been tempted to put on a coat and try to walk them with an umbrella ( for me ) but I could just see them flipping out in the rain and then having to get them home and dry ! We 've played a little in the house , but that does not burn energy . Too bad they aren 't human children that could be amused with a board game or a big box to turn into a fort ! The puppies love to curl up with me on the sofa . I love curling up with them . Right now that 's where we are , on the sofa listening to Harry , Kenny and others sing and play Christmas carols . Mmmm , good times . Most of the time Bentley doesn 't really nap . And I 'm used to him jumping up and down from the sofa . But when one of the others gets down I usually notice and keep an eye out for what they are doing . Several nights ago we were settled in and I realized that there were only three dogs on the sofa with me . A quick check told me that Blossom was missing . I didn 't remember her getting down , so I was a little puzzled . Then I looked down at Sawyer and realized that he had a black spot on his side . What ? He is red and white on his back . A second look revealed that I was seeing Blossom 's black spot , she was sleeping underneath Sawyer ! She had laid down between my leg and the arm of the sofa and Sawyer had laid down on top of her . But most of his weight was on my leg so he wasn 't crushing her . She must have been warm and comfortable because she was sound asleep . Silly puppies . It has been a long , long time since we had a rainy weekend , and a cool one at that . Temperatures today have been in the 40 's and it has rained lightly off and on all weekend . Wonderful , wonderful ! But what do dogs do on a weekend like this ? Oh , they are more than content to curl up on the sofa and nap while I 'm napping or watching football . But the rest of the time they have been little rascals ! I have to admit that I have not exercised them like I should . I would have bundled up and taken them for a walk but I 've had a little bit of a cold and didn 't think I should be out walking in the rain . So I have to blame myself ( partly ) for their misbehavior . First of all they refuse to potty outside . Even if I go out with them they refuse . No way , it is wet out here . . . we 'll just go in the house thank you . They have entertained themselves by pulling ornaments off the tree and either playing with them or eating them . NO , NO , BAD DOGS ! They have shredded every piece of paper they can get their mouths on . NO , NO , BAD DOGS ! But the big game has been " Explore the Trash " . Everytime I turn around one of them has retrieved something from the kitchen trash and they are destroying it , usually in the middle of the living room floor . Yes , I know I should have closed the lid on the trash can . But still , they know better than to play in the trash . This morning Bentley and Sawyer bolted through the door into the garage . I got the garage door down before Bentley got out , but had to go out in the rain to round up Sawyer . I 'm sure the rain detered him from making a run through the neighborhood . I 'm not sure what got into their heads to make them run out like that . Yesterday morning , in the process of getting ready for work , I walked down the hallway in semi - darkness while going into the kitchen for something , probably another cup of coffee . Anyway , as usuall there were dogs underfoot and I really didn 't think anything about them being there . Until I got to the end of the hallway and noticed that Blossom was just standing there facing back down the hallway . I glanced back at her , thinking that the way she was acting was just odd , for her . Something just wasn 't right , she was just standing real still and staring at the opposite wall of the hallway . So I flipped on the light , still wondering what was going on . Then she started chewing ( or so I thought ) on something . My first thought was - Lego 's ! The boys had played with the Lego 's the night before and we always have a few stray ones that the dogs try to munch on . As I reached down to extract the Lego from her mouth I realized what was really wrong - her collar had somehow expanded and slipped down around and into her mouth . Thank goodness she stood still while I fumbled with the release on the collar . Since I don 't have real strong fingers I always have problems squeezing those releases , but managed to keep her calm and get the collar off . Yes , my little BFF got a lot of lovin ' after that . I know she had not been hung up very long , but it was scary for both of us ! For now her collar is off and it may stay off . I 'm not sure how it expanded enough to slip down like that , but I don 't want it to happen again ! I 've always thought that dogs need a collar , with a little ID tag just in case they get lost . But she is micro chipped and only goes out when I 'm home so I think we may just leave the collar off when we are at home . What if this had happened during the day while I wasn 't at home ? That 's scary , too . Good grief ! What was I thinking ? Yes , I did last year 's Christmas photo shot by myself but I only had three dogs to herd up and pose . This afternoon I set up a little photo shoot on the fireplace , gathering up a Christmas quilt and a few decorations . Got the camera set up and put a Christmas collar on each dog and combed their ears . Never mind that they are stinky and need a bath , that won 't show in the picture . So far so good , that was the easy part . After numerous attempts , and telling myself to give up until I had someone to assist me I finally got all four to sit and stay . I got the pictures , yes indeed . But the dogs were not happy , and refused to raise their ears . They do not look happy , no sirree ! Further complicating the issue was that they were in front of the fireplace , which looks good in reality . But I did not like it in the picture for a background . Plus the light was triggering a flash and that messes up their eyes . I ran a few through Photoshop , but still don 't like them . I 'll do another photo shoot for the card , but had to post a few here just for fun ! At some point I started keeping the doggie toys in a small , white basket . At first we didn 't have too many but obviously the collection had to grow . Who can pass up a dog toy in the store ? My dogs deserve to have all the fun they can . So the basket has filled up , or at least it is full when human Mama picks up all the toys and puts them in it ! A few nights ago Blossom , Sawyer , and Baylee were snoozing on the sofa while I was knitting . Bentley isn 't much of a napper . He will lay quietly while the others nap , but he will also entertain himself and play on his on . So he had gotten up and jumped in the floor and prowled around a little . Then , he went over to the toy basket and stood there looking into it ( they will all do this and then select a toy to play with ) . He pulled out a rawhide flip chewie , or what was left of one , and chewed on it for a few minutes . That wasn 't too interesting so he went back to the basket and stood there again , contemplating his choices . He pulled out a toy , but dropped it . He started rooting around in the basket , trying to get out something . He sniffed and scratched the side , as if he could pull out through the side what he wanted . He pulled out several toys , and then stepped into the half empty basket . Still not getting what he wanted he flipped over the basket and scratched around into the bottom of the basket . With that he triumphantly pulled out . . . . . . a Nyla bone ! Ta da ! Just what he had been searching for ! Mission accomplished , he took the bone to the middle of the rug and settled down . Ah , just what he needed ! Bentley is officially one year old ! Yippee ! No more puppy class competition for this big boy ! His gotcha day is in January , but he is a year old today . What a sweet , handsome guy . He is so big that it is hard to remember when he was a little warm , fuzzy eight week old puppy that was so cute and cuddly . Where is my baby ? He 's all grown up now . Since our pumpkin was very thick I had carved off a layer of the piece we cut out of the top . I was going to pitch these pieces in the bag with the " guts " but then thought , why not feed these to the dogs ? They love raw veggies , so I gave them the pumpkin pieces . I think they liked this although it was a little different ! We travelled north this morning to a dog show just outside Austin . Bentley did great and brought home three ribbons , mostly by default since he was the only dog in his class . But we did get to go in the ring two times and got some very valuable experience . I 've realized that I probably haven 't been feeding him the right food , oops ! He is way too skinny since the specialized food I 've had him on is designed to keep off the weight that can cause dachshund back problems . I had another breeder tell me that Bentley needs muscle build up , and I believe that after seeing the beautiful finished dachshunds he was in the ring with today . And , I had bathed him last night and was thinking that he really looked so good until I looked at him closely after arriving at the show and realized that he had dandruff ! I think it is time for a new shampoo and maybe conditioner , too . Hopefully , changing the diet will also help his coat to improve . Stephanie and Jaydon went along and she made some pictures while we were in the ring . The show was in a livestock building and the lighting was not good , but she got some good shots . This afternoon / evening was our church 's Harvest Festival . Bentley won the lottery because he has a show next Saturday and he needs socializing so he got to go . He wasn 't sure at first what was going on , but he let children and adults pet him . I did hold his lead close because he wanted to pull back . Most children knew to ask to pet him and also to let him smell them first . There were a few small ones that were afraid , so it was fun to coax them with petting a dog ! He never jumped or lunged at anyone and everyone commented about how handsome he is ! He is one tired puppy tonight ! I couldn 't get a decent picture of him but I decided to post this one because it shows his beautiful black beard and also how the fur is starting to come in on his chest . I noticed this afternoon that the fur on his back seems to be darkening a little and I can see it starting to thicken on top of his neck . I 'm not sure if this is winter coat or if it is his dachshund long hair starting to finally come in . He was so cute when I snapped this , but I made it with one hand and it is blurry . I 've left it small so it isn 't as bad . But what a handsome fella ! We had only walked a short distance tonight when I felt the tension on the lead change . When I glanced down I realized that Sawyer was tangled in his own lead . As I was getting him untangled Baylee suddenly started doing a contortionist type movement , like a twist and a turn all at once . She twisted her head up and then down , and quick as a wink she was stepping out of her harness ! We were on the busiest street in the neighborhood at 5 : 30 p . m . , the busiest time . I had the quick presence of mind to hook my finger in her collar , just in case she freaked out and bolted . I got her back in the harness and re - hitched to the lead ( while holding the lead with the other three dancing like little wiggle worms ) . I still haven 't figured out what happened . I had harnessed her first tonight , but she must have been squirming around too much and I didn 't get it on right and just didn 't realize it . But I still wonder if she just isn 't a little magician that got herself out of the harness ! I came home today to be greeted at the door by Blossom and Bentley ! Little escapees ! I 'm not sure how they got out of the kitchen . The only thing I can figure is that I put the gate a tad too high and they wiggled under . Blossom is small and I could see her going under , but Bentley is a big guy so I 'm not sure how he did it . He may have climbed over . But they had had quite a day in the freedom of the house . It could have been worse but it was bad enough ! There was poop but that 's ok , bodily functions happen . They had eaten all the cat food , but that 's ok , everyone needs a snack . What really irritated me was that Bentley had apparently gotten up on the breakfast table ( he can jump on the chairs , Blossom can 't so I know he did this ) and had chosen to eat the little card laying there . The little card that was worth $ 20 at Coldwater Creek . Grrrrrrr ! At least they didn 't eat the pair of boots that I had left out of the closet ! Our Mama told us we could write this post since it was our adventure ! Friday before last our Mama came home and we thought it would just be another evening at home , but she quickly loaded us up in the car . We weren 't sure where we were going until we pulled up at the Pet Resort . Mama calls it a kennel , but to us it is like a doggie hotel . We had been there before over the weekend that Mama went to the beach , so we were quickly wagging our tails when we saw our friends . While Mama took care of the paperwork our friends weighed us and checked us over . ( Note from Baylee : I did not want my Mama to leave me , I 'm always afraid that I 'm being abandonded . I looked very sad and concerned but Mama called across the room and told me it was okay and that she would be back soon . ) Soon it was goodbye time and we were taken to our suites . Mama puts two of us together in a suite so we have plenty of room . Our suites are really nice . We have a bedroom with a nice Kuranda bed and a fleece cover that Mama suspects we destroyed . We also have our food and water in this room , and if it was winter we would have a heated floor . Since it is still warm we had air conditioning instead . We have a small window that lets in outside light , even when the lights go out at night . Our outside area is a long , concrete area like a covered patio . Mama calls it a run for some reason , maybe because we can run up and down to our hearts ' content . There is a chain link fence at the end so we can see out , but just a little . We can only go out in this area during the day and if it isn 't too hot . So what did we do at the resort ? Our days were pretty much the same . At 7 a . m . our friends came in and opened the door to the patio area . We had a small breakfast and they gave us fresh water , too . We played and barked a lot . Every morning they came and got all four of us and took us over to the playroom . We had fun playing together and playing with their toys . The day went quickly by and we had a light supper , more fresh water and then it was time for our friends to close our outside door and turn out the lights . Another doggie day was over . The days passed quickly and we had fun , but we missed our Mama and our home . Sunday afternoon our friends came and got us , one at a time . We thought we were going to play time , but actually we went up front and there was our Mama ! We were so happy to see her , our tails were just wagging and our little faces were so happy . We were glad to get home , too . We were very tired after our little adventure so we all curled up and took a long , refreshing nap . Ah , there 's no place like home ! Last night I made a major shopping run to PetsMart and took Miss Blossom along . She won the lottery and got to go because she needed a new collar . After her last bath I had discovered that one of the plastic rings that control the size had broken . So she got to go shopping ! Little Diva ! There was a lot of crying and howling by her three little playmates that didn 't get to go , too . She rode in the cart like she always does . She is just more secure in the cart for some reason . I was really proud of her because she didn 't bark like crazy like she usually does . There were a few yaps when we went in the store and then twice while we shopped she let out what I thought was just a yap of joy ! She let everyone pet her ( they all told her she was so beautiful ! ) and made many new friends . I thought it interesting that everyone asked how old she is and then they were amazed that she is full grown ! This is what a pile o ' pookies looks like . Aren 't they cute . . . well , yes . But look at the wall above them . The beautiful wall and woodwork that I spent so much time painting several years ago . That is what these little darlings do while I 'm at work , scratch the sheetrock and gnaw on the woodwork . Posted by Bentley competed in a local " B " match today . It is a show that isn 't a show , so to speak . A little more than a match but not a full show . He was the only dachshund of any kind so obviously he came home with ribbons and a small pewter cup . He went in for best of group against a basset hound and got second . I think the judge was prejudice or something , how could he give this good looking dog a second place ? Any way , it was good experience for both of us . I 'm still not pleased with how he 's doing , but in all honesty I haven 't worked with him like I really should . And he needs to be socialized a little more as he is very leary of people . There is a show in Austin next month so we need to get busy . He was a little reluctant with this picture , I just noticed that his head looks huge but that is just because I was super close to him with the camera ! Cat chasing is pretty common in this household . But this morning it got totally out of control . I 'm not sure what prompted this but it was an all out attack . Basically , Baylee was trying to finish off Shadow . Bentley was an accomplice to the crime but Baylee had Shadow down and her mouth was fastened around Shadow 's neck . As I 've said so often , it is the shy , quiet one that you have to watch ! No matter what I did I couldn 't get them to back off and leave poor Shadow alone . The fight started under the bed and then went to the far corner of the breakfast room . That was the point where Baylee had her mouth on Shadow 's neck and I knew it was serious . So I swatted Baylee ( dumb , I know ) and got enough distraction time that she let go . Shadow ran back to the bedroom and under the bed ( dumb cat , jump up and escape ) . So Bentley and Baylee gave chase and the fight continued . I managed to grab Bentley 's hind leg and pull him out from under the bed and throw him in the bathroom . Then I took a yard stick to get Baylee out from under the bed and grab her . They both went outside for a while , but as soon as I opened the door they were back under the bed where Shadow was hiding . So I got the yardstick again , and this time they got a swat with it as they ran by me . I left them in the kitchen while I went to the grocery store and when I got home and let them out . . . . they ran right back to attack Shadow . So once again the yardstick was put into play . Finally , I got Shadow out from under the bed and checked her over . Her neck and head had obviously been soaked with dog slobber as it was sticky . But she had no puncture wounds that I could feel . I gave her a good rub and put her on top of the bed . A little while later I noticed Baylee 's under ear as shown above . Shadow , even with only back claws and teeth , had put up a good fight . The picture doesn 't really show the damage but there are several puncture wounds and a long , bloody scratch down the ear . Baylee 's ear is a mess . So now all the dogs are taking turns cleaning it for her . No sympathy from me , but I now know that it isn 't just friendly cat chasing that is going on and the situation has to be human controlled ! I have four little doggies that have passed out in various spaces . We were finally able to go walking tonight . I was so tired and have so much homework , but I decided that I had to force myself to harness them up and go . Once we were out the door I was so glad we went . I don 't know when was the last time we could go walking , the heat has been too much . The dogs and their human needed to walk but it just couldn 't be done . When we started out they wanted to rodeo a little bit , but the routine quickly came back . Usually Sawyer leads the pack but tonight it was little Blossom ( and she was the first to lay down and go to sleep ! ) . I took them at a fairly slow pace , and they still wanted to stop frequently . We 'll have to work back up to speed , but that 's ok . When we got home I fed them outside ( fed myself out there , too ) and they chowed down . Bowls were almost empty , for once . They have gotten where they just nibble around but the walk must have revved up their appetites . Uh oh , the boys just woke up and they are playing a little . That 's ok , I 'm glad we all got some exercise and fresh air . This is what doggies do for fun when Mama is gone ! The paper is what is left of the instruction manual for my food processor . What I can 't figure out is how it got off the counter and into the dogs ' area in the kitchen . And then how it got into the living room . Bentley and Blossom had escaped from the kitchen , so did they go over the gate with the book in their mouth ? Or did they go under the gate ? This was NOT what I wanted to come home to after school tonight ! Posted by I took Baylee in yesterday for her shots and check up . As usuall , everyone wanted to hold and pet her , they all love her ! She is 16 months old now and weighed in at 11 . 11 ! So she is officially a tweenie . That was the good news . . . bad news was that she had a reaction to one of the shots and I had to rush her back to the vet . Her muzzle swelled up and she was going crazy trying to rub it on everything . Thank heaven for these wonderful vets and their staff , they had already closed when I called but they all stayed there to treat her . It 's finally happened , someone has emerged as the " food bowl controller " . I 've been expecting this as it is just too much to expect four excited little doxies to share a bowl of food . I 've always just filled up the bowl and put it in the floor to let them graze at their lesiure . They are fed once a day , in the evening , and strangely do not get very excited about the appearance of the food bowl . Other dogs that I 've had would start to pace right before feeding time , or sit patiently in front of the bowl . But not this pack ! And , sometimes they clean out the bowl and sometimes they just nibble . Usually they would take turns eating . For a while Blossom would growl and hog the bowl but that seemed to pass . I 've always kept an eye on them as I didn 't want any one of them to controll the bowl . As an overly concerned " doggie parent " I had added another small bowl into the routine several weeks ago . I had the thought that maybe adding another bowl would spark more interest in eating and keep down any conflicts if they arose . Ok , fine . Or so I thoughht . Tonight Bentley decided that both bowls were his and no one was going to eat . He did a good job of protecting the bowls while intimidating any one who tried to invade the bowl territory ! I tried separating the dogs but that didn 't work ; they were all confused and did nothing but yap . So I 'm hoping that everyone did get enough to eat before this little episode . Tomorrow I 'll fill up four bowls and figure out how to distribute dogs and bowls separately . They 'll figure it out once I figure it out ! Bentley and Baylee have developed a great affection for cat chasing . They are also fond of cornering a cat and " yip , yip , yipping " until I arrive on the scene . And no matter how many times I tell them " leave it " they just can 't resist . Poor cats , at least they can jump up onto something and escape ! What is really funny is that Baby Girl will stand her ground with them when they corner her . She just looks at them like , " really , do you think I 'm scared ? " Mitzie , the most skiddish of the cats , is not afraid of the dogs and will nap on the sofa back or arm while the dogs are napping . Rarely do the dogs mess with her . But poor Shadow , she is fair game for a chase . I 'll hear her poor little mew and then hear the sound of thundering paws chasing her around ! NO , NO , LEAVE IT ! I came home from work today and , as I came through the garage door into the laundry room , I was greeted by a brown , fuzzy wuzzy puppy ! Yes , Mr . Bentley had jumped over the doggie gate and was wonderfully free in the house . I hope that he had just jumped over when he heard the garage door going up and not that he had been loose in the house all day ! I was in a rush and went on to choir practice pretty quick , and didn 't even think about another break out . Oh yes , when I got home from choir there he was again , welcome committee of one ! So now what do I do ? I may try raising the gate up a little to see if that will keep him for a while . I have a feeling it won 't last for long and he 'll just jump over again . At least , for now anyway , it is only one dog loose in the house and not all four ! Short legs and long body make jumping real easy ! Dachshunds may have short little legs and ride close to the ground but that doesn 't keep them from high places . I 'm always catching Baylee standing on her hind legs with front legs on top of the kitchen trash can . And tonight I realized just how long Bentley can stretch . Recently he learned that he is big enough to jump on the furniture . How convenient and how bad for his back I must say . But learn he has . Tonight while I was eating , the washing machine had an imbalance in the load ( of dog bedding , no less ) . So I left the table and my plate to step into the laundry room for just a minute . When I turned around there was Mr . Bentley standing on my chair checking out my supper ! At least he wasn 't on the table ! Bentley showed today in his first dog show . I think he did really well and his first time handler did well , too ! I wasn 't nervous like I thought I would be , in fact it was rather fun . We had gone to the show yesterday and just walked around and observed the judges and watched everything that was going on . I took him in the grooming area but he was not happy there with all the noise and movement ( plus two different people let their big dogs lunge at him and that scared him ) . But all in all he took everything well and was content to let people pet him and admire him . I can 't begin to count how many people commented about his color and how beautiful he was . Also , so many people said that they either had a dachshund or had had one and wanted another one . Thank goodness I had some one that was mentoring me or I would never have figured out what was going on . I 'm a little clearer on how these shows work but still have a way to go . He was the only puppy in his class so he won ( no competition makes it easy ) . Since he was the only dog in regular classes he also won Winners Dog . Then we went on to compete against two finished dogs ( champions ) and the female dog that was the female winner . Needless to say the fuzzy little puppy didn 't make it ! He did really well on the table but was pulling against me on the lead when we walked . Not sure why he did that since he practices perfectly . Also , I don 't think I was really fast enough getting him stacked on the floor for the judge to look at . Plus , he is fuzzy and the champions are not ! I gave Bentley ( A . K . A Fuzzy Puppy ) and Blossom a bath tonight . I 've found it easier to just do two at a time . They are usually pretty good about baths , although sometimes there is a little resistance ! Tonight Blossom went first and she was very good about having her ears cleaned and that was a surprise because she usually does not like having that done . But the funny part was when I put her in the water . I had picked her up and could feel her little heart beating pretty fast so I was prepared for her to kick and squirm a little . But no , when I put her in the water she just sat down as if to say , ok let 's do it . She 's so funny after a bath . She feels good and runs around for a while then she will just play and play and play with her toys . Right now she is laying next to me sound asleep , all fluffy and clean ! I had to run by the vet 's office this morning to spend a small sum on flea meds and took Bentley along to have him weighed . And the big guy weighed in at a whopping 13 . 03 pounds ! Yipee , he is a tweeny ! Since he is just 7 1 / 2 months old I think there is a good chance he will be a standard ( which is 16 pounds ) . So we 'll see . Tomorrow is another fun match , this one here in town . I 've been working with him some this week . Putting him on the patio table and walking him around on the driveway . I really haven 't pushed him , I just want him to be relaxed and have fun right now . I 've registered him for the big local show next month in the puppy class for 6 - 9 month olds so we will need to really get busy after tomorrow 's match . I really don 't care if we win at any of the shows , I just want to have fun and enjoy the dogs ! We were out for one of our nightly walks recently . I was lost in thought , or as lost in thought as you can be when you have four dogs hooked onto a Pet Walker lead . I was walking along , not paying attention to the dogs . Then out of the corner of my eye I realized that Sawyer wasn 't walking right , he was kinda bobbing up and down . When I looked down I realized the problem . . . . there was a frog leg hanging out of his mouth ! UGH , GROSS , DISGUSTING ! He had picked up a dead " street frog " and was trying to walk along with it in his mouth ! No , no Sawyer leave it ! And don 't give me kisses tonight , I know what 's been in your mouth . Jaydon and I took Bentley to his first dog show today . It was actually a fun match , just for practice . We had a good time , even though it was in Austin so we had to do a little driving . His judge was the same instructor we have here in our ring training class , so that was good but also a little scary since it was like having a test of what we learned . Bentley was the only long haired dachshund so he came home with a first place ribbon and a best of variety ribbon ( easy when you have no competition ) . He was spooked by a barking dog the first time and then he refused to walk , so I had to coax him with a treat . But by the end he was doing good and relaxing . The judge / instructor suggested taking him to some of the big shows and just letting him get used to the noise . Here are a few pictures : The dogs and I frequently dine al fresco , time and weather permitting . One night several weeks ago I had a salad , they had the usual ! As I was almost finished I dropped a piece of lettuce and Blossom pounced on it . I wondered what she would do with it but didn 't expect her to eat it since it had a sun - dried tomato vinagerette type dressing , but she loved it . So I picked a slivered carrot out of my salad and fed it to her remembering that I had read in several different books that fresh , raw vegetables are okay to feed to the dogs . She loved it ! Then the others realized that they were missing out on something so I had to pick out a few more carrots . The next time I went grocery shopping I bought a small bag of shredded carrots ( the matchstick size ones ) . Yes , I paid extra for pre - prepared vegetables but the small price was far worth my time to stand and chop or drag out the food processor . So now we frequently are enjoying a snack of carrots and they love them . It is funny , though , because Sawyer always gets real excited until he tastes one and then he looks at me like , " come on really , you don 't expect me to eat this do you ? Is this a treat ? " and then he dives in with the rest of the gang . Today was Blossom and Sawyer 's annual check up and vaccination appointment . Drum roll please . . . . . Blossom weighed in at 8 lbs 13 ozs and Sawyer weighed in at 13 lbs 8 ozs . So we have a mini and a tweenie , so far . I think the two creams will be tweenies with Bentley possible creeping into a standard dachshund . Blossom and Sawyer were pronounced healthy and beautiful ! We did come home with 4 doggie toothbrushes so we can begin a brushing routine ( hmmmm , I can hardly wait ) . And I bought a bag of chewies that are treated with an enzyme to help clean their teeth as Blossom already has slight signs of build up on her teeth . We did discuss several items including their bed wetting which the vet thinks is just a mental thing ( so do I ) and she suggested several things to get them motivated to completely go potty when they are supposed to go . We also discusssed their dachshund backs , food and supplements . She suggested giving them a high quality fish oil . I want to do some reading and research before I do that . I also want to do some more research on their food . I feel good about the food they are on , after trying several brands , but I feel like I need to read a little more about the breed specific formulas , too . She was pleased with their coats and their health so we may just remain on the ProPlan for now . This afternoon Jaydon , Sawyer and I headed out to explore a fairly new park . We discovered that the park had a dog park and we spent a good deal of time there . I 'm not sure who enjoyed it the most , the boy or the dog ! We entered the park and then realized that we were in the big dog section . Sawyer didn 't seem to mind when two big dogs rushed up to greet him but we quickly made our way to the small dog park . There were 7 or 8 dachshunds there , all smooth reds and none of them looked too much like they were pedigree type dogs ( always makes me wonder about the " breeder " they came from ) . There were several fuzzy poodle types and some small mixed breeds . Most of the dogs stayed to themselves and just played . Anyway , Sawyer was very relaxed and after a while I felt comfortable enough to unhook the lead and let him run around . He enjoyed exploring and never got into any trouble ! He stayed fairly close and always listened and came when I called to him . The park had a little playhouse / fort that Jaydon just loved . We couldn 't coax Sawyer up the ramp so Jaydon took him up on the top level for a few minutes . I would love to have a little house like that in my back yard for the dogs to play in , although realistically Jaydon would be the major occupant ! I want to take the other dogs to this park and see how they do . I 've decided that each of my dogs is much calmer and better behaved when they are by themselves . When they are together I really think the " let 's be a party pack " mentality kicks in . I caught Baylee laying by the bricks as I was working on the retaining wall last Saturday . She was so sweet just laying there that I had to run inside and grab the camera and have a little photo shoot . Posted by I have 4 unhappy little dogs on my hands . We are having to repeat the 7 - day housebreaking routine . They had done fairly well , with some hit or miss , but the last two weeks it seemed that they had a regression . When I would take them out they would just chase possums , raccoons , play , eat acorns . . . . anything but do their business . And then , guess what happened when we came inside ! I 'll say no more , it is obvious what I was dealing with . So , Monday morning we started the " lock down " and they are staying in the kitchen except for potty breaks . There has been a lot of yelping and sad little faces but this has to be done . Looking back I realize that I didn 't start Sawyer and Blossom right ( the puppy pads are a big no no if you want your dog to go potty outside ! ) and then Baylee picked up their bad habits . Bentley is fairly well trained , he just won 't go to the back door and ask to go out so hopefully this will show him how to ask . This afternoon was warm enough to get out the little wading pool and introduce the dogs to a little water fun . Sawyer was the first to go in ( actually , Jaydon gently put him in ) and then Baylee . Then we put Bentley in . . . he wasn 't too sure about it ( I think he thought it was a bath ! ) . Blossom was the last to join the pack and take a dip . They didn 't try to jump out , they just enjoyed the cool water . Later Sawyer got back in for a second time and Jaydon scooped up water in a little bucket and poured it over him . Last night Bentley went to his first ring training . He did great but " Mom " has a lot of learning to do ! I realized that I haven 't socialized him enough . He was very well behaved but very quiet . When we were still he would sit between my feet ( would have made a cute picture ) and be very still . He wasn 't too afraid of the other dogs and was willing to exchange nose to nose sniffs with them . He was hesitant about getting on the table at first but by the last time he was relaxing a little . As far as being on the floor I realized that he has always walked in the pack and I 've never had him on a lead by himself . But he trotted right along ! After we got home I decided that it was time to get him registered so I got online and got it done . If approved his official , registered name will be " Splendors Blackbeard Bentley Beau " . Quite a name for a dachshund ! This picture of his back was made April 22nd . Look how light his color is now ! Only his ears and tail have kept the shading . He still has dark coloring under his chin , thus the name " Blackbeard " . His coat is getting long , thick and just a little wavy . He 's almost as big as Baylee . The little rascals had demolished the east side of the backyard between the house and the fence . The grass for some reason had already been struggling but the dogs had almost finished it off . They had also taken great delight in digging out along the fence on this side of the yard . My neighbor 's dog and the critters of the night had been part of the conspiracy , too . So I told myself that before the weather gets hot and muggy and the mosquitos move in that I had to build a retaining wall along this fence . The picture above is the start of the wall . I also hauled out buckets of dirt and rocks to get this evened out and smooth . Realistically , there will be a doggie path along the fence but I 'm hoping to get the grass to at least return a little . While I was working on this the dogs escaped twice ! I was watching them like a hawk because I knew that as I went down the fence I was exposing their little escape holes . And darn , if they weren 't watching me ! If I moved away or even looked away , they were through the hole and gone . And the next morning I caught them trying to chip away at a small space at the corner of the fence . I quickly remedied that and we 've had no more escapes . Next weekend I hope to finish this up , fun 's over for these little guys . Tonight I was trying to clean out the oak pollen and assorted debris from the dogs ' fur before bringing them inside ( I had cleaned all day and didn 't want it undone when they ran through the house ! ) . I was using the comb that I use on the cats for lack of anything else to use on them ( yes , I know I need to go shopping for dog grooming tools ! ) and it was working fairly well . I was also doing a lot of picking with my hands . When I started working on Bentley he would not be still , he was just squirming around like crazy . Then I realized that the problem was that he is ticklish ! Especially on his little tummy , and running that comb over his tummy was driving him crazy . I have to admit he was cute squirming around but I had mercy on him and picked him clean with my hands . Even then a few times his back paw would start to scratch as I worked on him ! Baylee 's first birthday was April 14th . I fell in love with the English Creams the first time I looked at Splendor Farm 's web site . I had never seen them before and was just fascinated with their beauty . I had seen Baylee 's picture on the web site but one afternoon she just called out to me . That night I sent Kelly an e - mail to see if she was available and almost instantly she answered , yes that she was and would I please , please buy her because she needed a good home . Kelly explained that she didn 't know what to do with her because she was so afraid of the other dogs in the kennel and in her house . Then I knew why she had called out to me that afternoon ! I 'm not sure what had happened in Baylee 's short life but she was a victim of kennel trauma ! Kelly reassured me that she would be okay , that she just needed some love . So I drove over and drove back in one day to get her . When Kelly handed her to me she was just quivering but she quickly laid down in my lap and relaxed while I talked to Kelly . I 've never regreted the drive because Baylee is so sweet and gentle . She adapted very quickly to Blossom and Sawyer and was a little skiddish for a while but she just fit right in with us . She is quiet and gentle but you have to watch her , too . She loves to sneak around and find an open trash bag in the kitchen . She loves to sneak bites of cat food and chases cats with a passion . And when they are outside playing I can hear her going " yip , yip , yip " in a high pitched , furious mode ! This morning I went out in the garage for maybe two minutes . Just long enough to fill the dogs ' food bowl with food and Lacey 's bowl as she was in the garage . Just two minutes . When I came back in the kitchen I noticed that one of the lower cabinet doors was open and Bentley was jumping up and down ( or so it seemed ) because Shadow was on the counter top . Only running on one cup of coffee at that time I was not awake so it took a few seconds for it to dawn on me what was happening . . . . . Bentley was caught on the cabinet door handle by his collar and was hanging there . He appeared to be jumping up and down because he was trying to get loose ! I quickly released him and scooped him up . His little heart was just racing , poor little guy . Do you think that this adventure will stop him from chasing cats ? No way ! Last night I was sitting in the chair in the living room working on the computer . I really should have been doing other things , but oh well . Suddenly I realized the computer had switched over to battery only . First I checked to make sure the power cord was plugged into the back of the laptop . It was . The computer 's been doing some strange things lately so I was a little concerned that it was finally flipping out . Then I looked down in the floor and realized the problem . . . . Blossom had the power cord in her mouth and was gnawing away . Oh no , right ? Right . She had not chewed completely through the cord but had severed enough of the wiring that power was not coming through the cord . So on my lunch hour today I went to Best Buy and spent $ 70 on a new power cord . I couldn 't fuss at her because all I could think of was what happened to the cat in " Christmas Vacation . " Blossom , no no leave it ! Here is another shot from yesterday 's photo shoot . This is an unedited photo , only cropped . It is going in my favorites folder . And today is Sawyer and Blossom 's first " Gotcha Day " . A year ago today I picked them up from Splendor Farms . They were so small and so cute . It has been a fast year , here 's to many more my little buddies ! NO , they did NOT volunteer for this photo shoot . After getting exasperated and wishing I had someone to help me but being determined to get a picture of all four I decided to hook their leashes onto the glider and then hook them onto them . They were not too happy , but made the best of it . Posted by Baylee , Sweet Baylee Cream ! She just gets sweeter and sweeter ! She has the sweetest face and I noticed tonight that her nose seems to be getting longer . She is beautiful and everyone wants to take her home ! P . S . As I previewed this post I noticed that it coincides with the pictures on the side . It is interesting to compare them and see how they have changed , especially Bentley . I am captivated by the small , simple things of life and am always surprised by the joy they bring to me upon their discovery . In the past few years I have found enjoyment in sharing them with others through the written word and photographs . This blog is a creative effort that reflects the things I love , both great and small . Sometimes I share other subjects , but always in the spirit of bringing peace and joy to the reader . |
Okay . This is the first guest story here on the short story blog . This is the first short story my little brother , Jason , has seen through to completion and I told him when ( and if ) he finished it to his liking , I would post it here . This is a story about Memorial Day weekend , when I went to my father 's house with my little sister , and he threw a party for his friends . It is also a story describing how and what my father is . He thinks farts are funny but he 's upset by people talking with their mouth full . It is rare that you have a conversation with him where he doesn 't interrupt it with a burp but talking on a cell phone at the dinner table is an atrocity . I talked to a friend , and told him some things about my father and he said that I gave him a completely different impression of him then my brother had . His impressions based on what he heard from my brother made him sound like a red neck . The impression I gave was of an upper - middle classed jackass who wears ridiculously expensive , stupid - looking shirts going through a mid - life crisis . I am telling this story based on my point of view , of real events . Some might ask , " Are you worried your dad might read this story ? " The answer to that question is , " Not in the least . " If my dad were to read this story , his only response might be , " Yeah I did that . I said those things . " Also he is such a colossal jackass that he might just think that he comes out of it looking good . Today , I got on a plane with my little sister Kimberley going to Los Angeles . I read a book the duration of the flight and there were almost no incidents , except for the fact that I got my toothpaste confiscated . I was told that it might be made into a bomb . My dad picked us up from the airport with his cyclopean wife . My dad is 5 ' 8 " weighs about 200 pounds and , as far as I can tell , wears almost exclusively Hawaiian shirts and short - shorts . His wife 's proper name is Connie , but for the rest of this story I will refer to her only as Cyclops . She is 5 ' 10 " and weighs about 300 pounds . She works at a bank as a vice - president , and has only one living eye . We got into their S . U . V . whose license plate number is " CON N ME " that has only four seats . We started driving towards the city of Orange . ( In my dad and Cyclops ' defense apparently there S . U . V . can have six seats , but 98 % of the time there is only one passenger . ) We got to his house around 9 o ' clock . He gave us a short tour of what was new . First on the tour were his cars : he has a red 1971 steel muscle car , my guess is that it gets 10 mpg , and a huge truck . Next he showed us his pool and then his new ping pong table that he had in his garage . He asked if I wanted to try out the new table . " Sure , " I said . So we hit the ball back and forth for a while . He then started to hit the ball to the Far left and right side of the table every shot . Not that these are hard to get , they 're just annoying because I 'm wearing sandals and they make you move for every ball . After a few of these I go to get one that he hits far to the right , and I slip on the garage floor because my sandals can 't get any traction . I slide three feet and hit my foot on a crate . My foot feels like it 's broken and I am bellowing obscenities under my breath like " God damn it " and " holy fucking Christ . " It takes me two minutes to get back up and walk around . This is when he asks if I want to play a tournament . " Whatever . " Then we begin to play a game , all he is doing is sending them way off to the right or way off to the left , even on his serves tries to make me go after them . I told him , " You know , the rules we play , the serve is just to get the game started . So trick serves aren 't aloud because , what fun is that ? " He said , " Anything that hits both sides of the table is fair . " In other words , " This is war ! " We continue playing and I completely stop trying to go after these . I don 't even look like I 'll go after his side shots and trick serves . I just stood there squinting and nodding . He still continued playing this way for a half an hour . He never stopped and , in fact , started bragging and goading me . For example : He would hit one way off to the right where I would have to take two steps to get it . Instead I stand completely still without swinging my paddle and he says , " Ewww , I love it when they do that . " Then he hits the next one way off to the left and says , " Yeah ! That 's my favorite shot . " Then another to the right , " That 's my second favorite shot . " I was trying to make it painfully obvious that I would not be going after any that he would make me run for and , when I did go after them , it should have been painfully obvious to an orangutan that it hurt my injured foot . To my amazement it never stopped . How fun is this for anyone ? We finally stopped playing and he had me help him move the ping pong table so he could move his muscle car into the garage . While he pulled into the garage he revved the engine loudly and peeled out the tires so that he left a black rubber streak on the pavement . I believe he was trying to say , " This is what I have in common with high school children . " We went inside where he decided he wanted to play cards . We played a game called " Hand and Foot " . It 's a game played with four decks and two partnerships . Partners compete to match their cards in sets of seven . He decided it would be girls versus guys so Cyclops and Kimberley were our opponents . As we played , I began small - talking about people who drive hummers and consume excessive amounts of gas to get around . He admitted to me that he pays at least $ 700 dollars a month in gas in his vehicles , but that this was justified to him because he needs to drive that much for work . Team Cyclops was ahead before the last hand by about two thousand points , so it was very unlikely for us to win at that point . He was being a very sore loser and wanted to quit before the last round . " Don 't be mad , just because you 're losing , " Cyclops told him , We played the last round . We caught up quite a bit , but still lost . Everyone went to bed at that point but I wasn 't really tired . I thought perhaps I might want to watch a movie so I decided to check out my dad 's movie collection . He must have a thousand movies , including two copies of " Ballistic : Ecks vs . Sever " . They have me staying in a guest bedroom decorated with jazz musician wall paper . A futon serves as a bed . The only other furniture in the room is a chair and a piano that no one in his house can play . The only reason I assume that no one can play it is because the only book sitting on the piano was " Piano for Dummies " . The other decoration on the piano was a framed piece of paper that said " Connie 's Song " . I have committed never to read the lyrics . Six inches above that and twelve inches to the right there is a giant picture frame with a picture of my dad cheek to cheek with the Cyclops . This was the room I was being told to sleep in ? I awoke around ten in the morning . But I didn 't get up at this time , even though I could hear everyone else moving about the house , getting ready . I could hear voices outside my door , " Is Jason awake yet ? " Eventually , I got up and took a shower . The second I left the room , the seventies music began . Obviously , he assumed that I would want to sing along to " We Are the Champions " while I washed behind my ears . When I got out of the bathroom he suggested that we go to Denny 's for breakfast . I said that this was okay by me . We drove his S . U . V . less than a mile to Denny 's . We walked in and my dad said to the maitre d ' , " We have three people , and him . " He then pointed to me . I then pointed out that he just butchered one of my childhood jokes that goes , " We have two people and two women . " Sexist as it may be , it 's still my material . We got to our table and ordered our breakfast . My dad ordered a Grand Slam breakfast with over easy eggs . Cyclops ordered a meat lovers breakfast and that prompted me to talk about the problem with obesity in America . " I watched a documentary the other day where there was a hospital filled with fat people and there was even one guy that was so fat that he had narcolepsy . " The breakfast came and my dad had scrambled eggs on his plate instead of over - easy . He didn 't notice when they first brought the food . Mid - way through our feast , he mentioned that the eggs were scrambled instead of over easy and began to tell a story about something that he felt was a very similar situation to what was going on with his eggs . He went out with a group of friends to a nice restaurant . One of his lady friends ordered a steak , and when they brought it , it was , in fact , overcooked . They told the waiter that the steak was unacceptable and that he would have to get them a new one . The waiter forgot to get a new steak cooked and when she asked where it was several minutes later , he said that he would go tell the chef right then . " It 's too late now ! " They said . The entire party finished eating and they were brought the bill . As a courtesy , their meal was left off the bill but they asked to speak to a manager all the same . " My experience is ruined here , and everyone that came with me had their experience ruined as well . We came here to eat together , and I did not get to eat at all . I demand that not only is my meal free but everyone that was trying to eat with me should eat free as well . Not only that but I should get a certificate to come here again " We were getting done eating at this point my dad ate at least half the eggs , and offered me the rest . I declined . The waitress came to the table to fill the coffee and my dad mentioned that his eggs were scrambled and not over easy . She said she would bring him some over easy eggs and left . She came back just a minute later and had the bill , and she wanted to confirm that he still wanted her to bring him the eggs . " It 's too late now ! " he said smugly as he grabbed the bill . He went to the cash register and demanded to see a manager . We left shortly after without having paying the bill . We went back to his house listened to some seventies music for a while and then we left once again . This time , we left in his red muscle car without Cyclops . We were heading to Costco . It was a ten - minute drive on the freeway . We started a conversation about car air conditioning . " I hardly use mine I just roll the windows down , " I said . He told me that he absolutely always uses his because it gets more efficient gas mileage than driving with the windows rolled down . I told him that I watched an episode of " Mythbusters " that actually explored that myth and cars with their windows down were getting better gas mileage . He then asked me " What type of cars did they test them on " " I believe they were testing them on S . U . V . 's . " He had an epiphany " AH HA ! I was talking about cars ! " " Well , I still think that the air takes more gas , but it 's probably not all that much . " For some reason , he got really defensive , " Well in some cars you can 't roll the windows down while you 're driving because of the harmonics damage your ears . " We got to Costco and proceeded to walk down every aisle in the store . He slowed down near the racks were they sell shorts and said , " These shorts would be nice if they weren 't so damn long . This is your fault . Your generation is what makes them make shorts so long now a day . " " A fact I am very proud of , " I replied . Little did I know he meant for the next four hours . I also want to mention at this time that he also has seventies music speakers at the pool , in the bathroom and also on the front porch . Even the postman has to listen to seventies music while he delivers mail . After we finished swimming , my dad suggested that we go out for lunch . He quickly decided on Red Robin because it 's right across the street from his house so he suggested that we walk . I agreed . We began to walk , but he spotted his S . U . V . on the corner on our way out . He stopped in the middle of the street and said , " Lets just drive instead . " He walked back into the house for his keys and we made our way across the street . The Red Robin is attached to a mall , so we walked through it to get there . My dad , kept a decent pace and when he got to Red Robin he didn 't slow down at all . He opened the front door of the restaurant and proceeded right past the sign that said , " Please Wait to be Seated " . Maybe he didn 't see it . The maitre d ' , menus in her hand , threw her arms up , expecting him to stop so that he could tell her how many of us there were . He avoided her gaze and walked straight past her . I was a few steps behind him and saw that the maitre d ' didn 't know what was going on , I gave her the " sorry , my dads an asshole , " look , shrugging my shoulders on my way by . He found his table that he always sits at and sat down . Embarrassed , I asked , " Do we need to tell someone we are here or something ? " He didn 't even answer the question . After a few minutes someone that was waiting tables around that area came to the table and asked if we needed menus . In a vain attempt to be funny , my dad said , " They do , " implying that he knew the menu so well he would never have to look at another one again . He giggled at himself slightly while the waitress went to get the maitre d ' . This was the same maitre d ' that he would not acknowledge on the way in . She was now at our table , offering us menus a second time . " We only need two menus . I know what I 'm getting . " This comment also seemed to be funny to him . She gave us menus and went back to her position at the front . The waitress came to take our orders a moment later , I ordered The Garden Burger ® , Kimberley got a grilled cheese sandwich , my dad ordered something called the " Asshole Salad . " No , really . That 's what he called it . The reason he called it that was simple , it was a salad off the menu , but he changed every thing that was on the salad into a different ingredient . We ate . He left a four dollar tip . Which begs the following questions : Does my dad own this place ? Do the servers think it is worth four dollars to put up with him ? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop ? The world will never know . When we got back to his house , Kimberly decided that she wanted to play a game called " Doodle Tales . " It 's fairly simple , there are cards with pictures on them and in the picture there are blank spaces . One player is designated the judge and everyone else draws in a secret pad what he thinks should go in that blank space . After everyone draws a picture you trade pads randomly and everyone makes up a caption for that picture . After this is done you give all the pictures to the judge and they decide which one they think is best , you get points if they choose yours . My dad lost the game . We immediately stopped playing . He pulled out another game called " Pictionary " . In " Pictionary , " you draw pictures based on what a card tells you to draw . You have a partner , and if your partner guesses the object on the card before time runs out you proceed on the board , first one to the end wins . We switched the teams every round . Another house rule of his is that you are allowed to write words down after the person says them provided that they are part of the answer . I don 't like this rule but agreed to play by it . Problems arose when my dad started doing it with syllables instead of full words . I told him that I thought it was lame that he is doing it with syllables . " There 's a little something called a house rule , and that 's how we play , " he said , " it 's perfectly fair . " I explained to him that It 's not about living forever but to live life in less pain and maybe to die with less problems as well . I used my grandma as an example , who now has diabetes and can barely eat anything at all . She also can 't leave her house without help . I told him a story about how my brother Bryan was on a business trip in California and went to visit her a few months back and no one had helped her get food for a few weeks . All the food she had in her house was rotten . Luckily she has a service for old people called " meals on wheels " and they bring her one meal a day . She was surviving on these alone for at least a week . My brother took her to the store and got rid of all the rotten food for her . My dad 's reply to this story was , " She could just call and have her groceries delivered . " Mid - way through the game Cyclops leaned back on her chair too far , she was in front of a wall and she had a look of horror on her face as she was leaning further and further back . Soon , she fell all the way down and hit her head on the back wall . I watched all of this as if it were in slow motion . I thought it might be a heart attack . My dad rushed to her side and tried to help her up . I looked away for the next three minutes . Once she was up again , I pretended to forget that she had even fallen , " So are we playing again , or what ? " We finished playing and went to sleep . I woke up the next day , ate breakfast , took a shower and got ready . This was the day of the party and it apparently was suppose to be an all day event . I went into the guest bedroom to read my book in solitude . I put the book down , went into the kitchen and asked what he wanted . He asked if I could put the coolers outside , he showed me where they were and I did it . Then I went back into the guest room to read . The door bell rang . It was a man delivering groceries for the party . Apparently , my dad knows all about being so helpless that you require someone to deliver groceries for you . The man dropped them off and my dad start calling me again , " Jason , where did you go ? ! " Reluctantly , I went out to see what he wanted this time . " Fill the coolers with soda , beer , and ice . " I said , " okay , " and then he gave me a warning that he was going to need a lot of help and that I shouldn 't sit down to read again until everything was done . I filled the coolers , and then helped him move some tables around . Soon , the first guests arrived . Apparently they were some of my dad 's clients . My dad gave them a tour of the house while I went into the backyard to read some more . Eventually there were a lot of guests there and they took over the backyard including fifteen kids swimming in his pool . One of my dad 's friends , Fred , approached me because he recognized me from years back and began a conversation with me . Fred is a bald 54 year old man that brought a personnel cooler that he carried around his neck . In it was at least a six - pack of beer . We were talking about politics and about religion for a while when another one of my dad 's friends approached and joined in the conversation . His name is Mark . He is 6 ' 5 " , a high school history teacher and is also 54 years of age . I was talking to them for a while when I made an observation that my dads dogs where being fed and eating vast amounts of cheese and potato chips . So I excused myself from the conversation and walked over to the pool , where my dad was , to report that his dogs were eating what seemed to be too much garbage . He told me that there was no way to stop them , and that was that . I went back to where I was sitting when my uncle Steven showed up , I have not seen him in about 10 years , and in fact didn 't even recognize him . He might have turned into a Republican . I had an awkward conversation with him about not seeing each other in a long time . My dad 's dogs saved me from the conversation by both throwing up , one after the other in the center of the backyard . The dogs traded vomit piles and started sniffing and licking them . Dogs will be dogs . Mark decided to play the role of the hero and grabbed paper towels and began to clean it up . He got everything but the little chunks . I was disgusted by the dog vomit and went inside . My dad found me and said to me , " I 'll give you ten dollars to clean up the rest of that … " I told him that I would , but that it was not about the money , he said that he just wanted it clean so that it wouldn 't ruin anyone 's time at the party . My time at the party was immaterial . I got some rags and cleaned up the chunks . When I finished I sat down near the barbeque , put my book down and started talking to Fred again . He was clearly inebriated at this point . Another one of my dad 's friends showed up at his party , this time it was a gypsy woman named Heidi . I think she thinks that she has psychic powers . I also think that she has a mustache . She started talking to me about life , apparently she is wealthy , I told her that I didn 't care for money and she went into a psychic tantrum . This is the woman that complained about the steak . What she does is actually quite funny , she gives you gypsy tests to tell if you are lying or not , she has you put your thumb and pinky together , and she pulls on them , if she wants you to be lying she will pull them apart , if she wants you to be telling the truth she will say , " Hold them as tight as you can , " and not be able to pull them apart . She said to me , " Do you really think that money is evil ? " I put my thumb and pinky together . She said , " Money is evil , " and she could not pull them apart . Then she said , " Money can help people as well , don 't you think so ? " I said I did . Then she had me put my thumb and pinky back together and said the same thing again , " Money is evil , " then she easily pulls my fingers apart . She explained that the reason that I thought money was evil is because I had never considered that money could be used for good . Now I 'm cured ! Next , she told me that there is a certain gene in your body that makes it so you can have cancer . " If you lack this gene , " she said , " you can not get any form of cancer . Ever . " So she asked me to put my thumb and pinky together , then said the magic words , " Do you have the cancer gene ? " I said , " No . " She pulled my fingers apart , proving that I could still get cancer by my enemy the sun , or so I thought . She asked me if I wanted to get rid of the cancer gene , and I was forced to beg , " Please ? " Then she explained to me that she could simply get rid of this gene by meditating it out of my body . She gave me a warning , " I will be in a meditative state for the next five minutes or so , so if anyone is wondering what I am doing , tell them . " For the next five minutes I stood by her while she had her head bowed and her eyes closed . The meditation seemed to make the seventies music louder . After a ballad and a half she popped out of her trance and said , " Put your thumb and pinky together ! " Immediately I did so . She was telling me more about the gypsy stuff , apparently she has patients and they pay her $ 100 an hour , she said that she gets at least $ 500 a week . She said that I should learn to be a gypsy and rake in the cash as well . As soon as I could break off my conversation with her , I went looking for my book . I found it on a table in the house , Pierre was nowhere in sight . They started to barbeque the food and so I ate dinner in the kitchen , where my dad was having a conversation with his friends . He was defending Oil Companies , saying things like , " We 'll never run out of oil . It 's a myth that it 's even possible to run out of oil . " I decided to make a point about corrupt oil companies I told him that there was a battery company that keeps making batteries better and better . There was one created that can go 300 miles at 70mph on a single charge . Texaco bought this company and shut it down . He could not find anything wrong with this . After dinner I went into the guest bedroom to get away and read for a while . Shortly after I started reading , Fred opened the door stumbled in , said he was drunk , and then sat down at the piano . He started trying to play but I paid him no mind and continued to read . After a few minutes he started talking to himself , " Come on , you can do this , Fred . " I got back to my book . He just stared at the piano again for five full minutes wavering , to the point I thought he was going to fall . He sat back down and tried playing some more . I left the room after that . It was almost 10 o ' clock and the party had died down considerably . Most the children had been taken home , so I asked my dad if he could start the hot - tub up for me so that I could take a soak . He did , I got into swimming attire waited for the hot - tub to heat up then got in . There were still two children in the pool , one my little sister and the other one of my dads friends rapscallions . The little ragamuffin in the pool started to have a little girl talk with me about the circle of life . " Every sister has a brother and brothers and sisters have brothers and sisters , and when they grow up they have boyfriends and girlfriends , then they get married , and have more brothers and sisters . " My sister got out of the pool , followed by the little girl . The only people left at the party were a few drunk guys sitting around the barbeque smoking cigars , and a few women left in the kitchen . It would have been nice , relaxing and quiet in the hot - tub except for the speaker right behind my head disguised as a rock , blaring Kenny Rogers music and the colored pool light that kept rotating , GREEN - BLUE - RED - PURPLE - YELLOW - GREEN off into infinity . I got out of the hot - tub and dried myself with a towel . The next few hours consisted of a board game and drunk ping - pong I awoke the next day , ate breakfast then played password until lunch . I brought a camera on the trip just in case there was something to take a picture of worth remembering . I didn 't even take the camera out of the bag . Looking back I wish I had snapped at least a few photos just to offer some proof of these events . We left for the airport which was quite a relief since I 'd been held captive at the house since we 'd got back from Red Robin . We traveled in his S . U . V . towards L . A . X . We got about half way there when they got a call from the airport and said that our flight was delayed until 10 o ' clock . They made some quick calls and they got us on a plane from Orange County direct to Salt Lake City , but we had to hurry to the other airport . It was a little stuffy in the car so I rolled down the window . The wind passing through the window made a noise that sounded like a child gently blowing on the top of an empty root beer bottle . Panicked , my dad instantly grabbed his ears and shouted , " ROLL THE WINDOW UP , THE HARMONICS ARE HURTING MY EARS ! " He was not kidding . We got to the airport with plenty of time before the flight departed . We were walking to the line to get through security . There was a man that was rudely trying to get around us that caught his bag on a stanchion and dropped it . We got to the back of the line , he got behind us . There were a few Asian ladies that were in front of us in line , they had a pile of kids with them and a giant stroller . Eventually , it got to be their turn at security and the staff told them they needed to get the stroller through the x - ray machine . Kimberly and I got our bags ready to push through the machine while we waited for them to finish . The bald , old man behind us walked in front of me scooted our bins back and threw his in front of ours . I said " What do you think you 're doing ? " He said , " I 'm in a hurry . " I said , " This is a line , and those ladies are in front of us . We 're waiting for them . " He said , " Those ladies don 't know what they 're doing . " As he said that he began shoving all the bins through the x - ray really fast , the woman that was running the machine gave him a squinty nod . The ladies were still getting their stroller ready but the kids had already walked through the metal detector . One of them put the stroller on the conveyor belt and walked through the metal detector . The man ran to the metal detector and tried to cross as she was mid - way through . Security finally stepped in . A security guard pushed him back through the metal detector and said , " It 's these ladies turns to go through . You will wait behind this red line until it 's your turn . " The man said , " I 'm in a hurry . " Then he asked for the security guards name and told him that he needs it so that he could complain . The security guard said , " What 's your name , sir ? " He said , " I don 't have to give you my name . " The man said , " I don 't have time for this , " and went through the metal detector and is undoubtedly being a jerk somewhere else in the world even now . The security guard gave me a mean look after he passed through and I said , " I don 't even know that asshole . " He immediately lightened up and said , " That 's a good thing . " We got on the plane made like a tree and got out of there . Ever since I got back from California I have been seriously thinking about changing my last name back to my mom 's maiden name . POSTSCRIPT : This short story was written for a selected audience Picked by Jason , to make them laugh . I feel as though it would take spies to find this and read it without me telling them too . I have posted other short stories on the internet , that were not about my father , and I would bet that he has not read them , although I am sure a friend of his has worded through them to make sure that it doesn 't contain any Cyclops heavy materiel . I admit in this story that it focuses on negative or funny events , and not on anything that didn 't go wrong . I will not apologize for anything that is written in the short story because it had no intention of hurting anyone 's feelings , coupled with the fact that if my dad didn 't have a spy looking at someone 's personal Myspace page without their knowledge , he would have never known about it in the first place . I would also like to add that upon reading any of it , it should have been clear that it was not my intention for them to read it , and they could have thought of my privacy at any point past that . With that said . I should also say that if my dad thinks that the worst part of the story is that I called his wife , whom in fact only has one eye , a Cyclops , He should read a little closer . I think that the worst part is that he had me fly down to California , where the only condition I said that I would go is if he took me or let me go see a movie called Angel - A , which we didn 't do . I was locked in his house for the whole trip and the only times we left were to go out to eat , which was embarrassing . Who else has an expectation of denny 's so high that they would even talk to a manager about eggs being cooked wrong . I left out of the story that they left the girl a horrible tip . I think it was a mere dollar , and then complained to the manager , and didn 't pay for the meal . Red robin was also very embarrassing for me , He ignored a human being . I 'm sure she would have let him sit anywhere he wanted , she looked nice enough . Why is he so important ? It is a fact that he always has to win at games , and he is a baby when he is not winning them , and he cheats to win them . Sometimes when we were kids if we would win him at something he would get violent . Cyclops is a joke , get over it . My brother went to live with my dad for an entire summer before my dad and mom got divorced , he said that Cyclops and my dad were more then friends at that time , and he made him live with him and watch it . I think that 's a horrible thing . I had nothing to do the entire time I was out there on the trip just read and write , most of the short - story was written while out there . If he would have kept me busy , then I 'm confident that this story would have never been made . I have nothing against my uncle Steven . I also have nothing against my dad or his wife , they are who they are . I don 't think things like references to him listening to seventies music all the time is a bad thing , it is just annoying to me . Someone watched the episode of " Mythbusters " I was talking about in the story and said that the car with the windows rolled down went something like 30 miles farther , and then they stopped the myth because it was obvious that it was better to have the windows rolled down . I think that my dad should not be surprised by anything in the short story , because I gave him sufficient warnings that I disagreed with him almost all the time . As an example , when he was cheating at Pictionary , I told him that I thought he was cheating . When he was being a baby playing hand and foot , I told him that losing isn 't the end of the world . When we went to Red Robin , I asked if we needed to ask a waitress if she could help us where we sat . When he ordered the " asshole salad , " I did not laugh . I clearly told him that I oppose his views on global warming and oil . I never indicated that I was having a fun time there , and why would anyone assume that it would be fun to stay at his house for a few days without leaving ? He believes that shutting down a company that is trying to better technology to help make the earth a better place is okay . That doesn 't make any sense to me . Why would you not care about the earth that your grandkids will grow up in ? Let alone your own kid 's personal health . I was not trying to make my dad 's friends look bad at all . Fred , Mark , and Heidi are all right by me . With the exception that Mark tried to drive home drunk , which I omitted from the story . As far as Fred goes , I think he thinks for himself , puts thought into what he says . I can respect that . Heidi is really nice , and entertaining . I don 't have anything against her . She said I can 't get cancer anymore , and I believe her . Maybe some people would think she 's a little crazy . Who isn 't ? This story was not meant to hurt even one persons feelings , except for the jerk at the airport . Maybe some of you will think that I am a hypocrite because I am saying that I try to treat people with dignity and respect , but the short story obviously says some hurtful things . These are all realities or jokes , for the purpose of entertainment . I would also like to reiterate that this was not meant to be read by anyone that would be harmed by it . I am proud of this short story , and would love to hear anybody 's objective opinion about it . Leave a comment . Let 's just get that out of the way . We all have things we want to say ( or things we want to not say ) in our personal lives that shape the art we make . And artists , more often than not , are trying to say something with their art , even if their goal is to not say something . There is no doubt that this has been a turbulent week in the country I live in . There are many of us that are confused and shocked and afraid of what might be to come in the future . That 's understandable . As artists and writers , I feel like we 're typically more empathetic than the general population . It 's easy to think about what it 's like to be in someone else 's shoes because we spend so much of our creative time almost literally in someone else 's shoes . And we need to pass that understanding on to our readers or viewers or however else they 're consuming this art . Instead of breaking down a scene from a movie , this time we 'll break down the opening of a book . ( Previously , I 've done scenes from City Lights , Citizen Kane , Raiders of the Lost Ark , and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid . I 've also broken down the opening to Starship Troopers . ) Graham Greene 's The End of the Affair is absolutely one of my favorite books . The writing is lyrical and story heart - wrenching and beautiful . Greene 's style of writing is such that he always has me gripped , whether it 's the beginning of the book or the end . And he shows you so much about the character in his opening lines . It 's time again for Salt Lake Comic Con and I have another packed schedule . This is where I 'll be occupied for much of my weekend . I would love for you to come out , see me on a panel , catch me at my signing , or just say hello . Thursday , September 1 , 2016 Bryan Young works across many different media . As an author , he 's written the bestselling comedic novel Lost at the Con , and the critically acclaimed sci - fi adventure Operation : Montauk . As a film producer , his last two films were released by The Disinformation Company and were called " filmmaking gold " by The New York Times . He 's also published comic books with Slave Labor Graphics and Image Comics . He 's a contributor for the Huffington Post , StarWars . Com , Star Wars Insider and the founder and editor in chief of the geek news and review site Big Shiny Robot ! He 's also the host of the popular podcast " Full of Sith . " |
When I started this blog my daughter had a best friend named Dora . Dora lived with us . Dora was invisible . When I told my daughter , I was going to start a blog of stories for her , she asked me to write stories for Dora . So we called this blog Stories for Dora . Now , that my daughter has outgrown Dora , she has reclaimed her blog and we have changed the name to Stories for Aurella . So here are stories for my daughter and you . Beverly Delancey couldn 't wait for Easter . She loved bunnies and she was hoping to get a bunny of her own . " When is my Easter bunny coming ? " she asked her mother . Easter could not come fast enough for Beverly . About a week before Easter , Mommy took Beverly to the mall . They waited in a long line for what seemed like hours . Mommy wouldn 't tell Beverly what was going on . She wanted it to be a surprise . A couple days later , Mommy told Beverly that Daddy was coming home with a surprise for her . " It is something you really wanted . " Mommy told her . " It is a few days early but we knew how much you wanted it , and we just couldn 't resist . " Beverly knew she was getting a bunny of her own . She was so excited she started jumping up and down and squealing . She immediately started to think of names for her bunny . Daddy handed Beverly a wrapped package . Beverly was confused . Why would a live animal be wrapped up ? She quickly opened up the package . It was a chocolate bunny . " Oh . " she said quietly . " Thanks . " she added not very enthusiastically . When Easter arrived , Beverly wasn 't excited about it all . When Mommy and Daddy told her to come downstairs because they had a surprise for her , she wasn 't at all eager to go . What could they possibly have for her now a stuffed animal ? However , when Beverly got downstairs , she found a cage with a little white bunny in it . Beverly excitedly knelt down by the cage . " Is it for me ? " she asked happily . Barbara Turner was a girl who liked to have things her way . In fact , she was very bossy . She tried to boss her friends around , but they didn 't always let her . More than anything , she bossed her little sister , Brielle around . After all , Brielle was only 6 , and Barbara was 8 . Barbara shook her head . " Not now . Go away . " she demanded . Brielle frowned . She just stood by the foot of of Barbara 's bed and made no attempt to leave the room . " I said get out ! " insisted Barbara . " I 'm reading ! " Brielle sighed and reluctantly left her sister 's room . A little while later , Barbara went to find her sister . Brielle was in her own room playing with some of her toys . " I finished my book . Let 's play now . " Barbara said bossily . " You don 't want to do that . " Barbara told her insistently . " You want to play with me . Come on . " She led her little sister to their playroom . " Now go and get the Barbies . " demanded Barbara as soon as they entered the playroom . " Okay , Mommy ! " Barbara answered back . She knew better than to ignore Mommy . However , she had no desire to go all the way down to the kitchen for Mommy 's glasses and then come all the way back up again . " Brielle , " Barbara ordered " Go and get Mommy 's glasses . " Barbara waited in the playroom . She heard Brielle 's loud footsteps clumping down the stairs . A little while later , she heard Brielle 's loudly footsteps clumping back up the stairs , and then down the hall to Mommy 's room . She expected Brielle to return to playroom any minute , but she waited and waited and Brielle didn 't come back . Finally , Barbara went looking for her little sister . Brielle was still in their Mom 's room . Mommy smiled when Barbara entered the room . " Oh Barbara . " she said cheerfully . " I 'm glad your here too . I was just telling Brielle that we are going to be having a visitor . " Barbara frowned . Sydney was only 4 . Barbara didn 't mind playing with her sister when she felt like it , but she didn 't want to play with two annoying little kids . She decided she would keep herself busy when her cousin arrived and stay away from both Brielle and Sydney . In her own room , Barbara picked out a new book to read and sat down on her bed to read it . However , she couldn 't concentrate because Brielle and Sydney were being so loud down the hall . It was mostly Brielle who was yelling at Sydney . As soon as Barbara heard her cousin crying , she hurried into the room . " Why are you being so bossy , Brielle ? " she asked her little sister . " Maybe , Sydney doesn 't want to play Candy Land . Maybe , she wants to do something else . " " Oh . " said Barbara quietly . She didn 't feel proud of herself at all . She felt ashamed . For a few minutes , she didn 't say anything . Then , finally she said " You shouldn 't tell Sydney what to do . You made her cry . " " You tell me what to do . " pointed out Brielle although she didn 't say it like she was complaining . She said it like she just thought that was the way it was supposed to be . Barbara felt even more ashamed . " Well , I 'm going to try not to do that anymore , okay ? " she said to her little sister . " And you 're going to be nicer to Sydney . We 're both going to try to be not so bossy , okay ? " Tara Redman was so excited . She was going to be going on her first overnight trip . She was going to be visiting her Grandma all by herself for a whole weekend . She would be away from Mommy and Daddy for three whole days and two whole nights all by herself . She felt like such a big girl . Tara even told strangers only when she was with Mommy and / or Daddy though . She knew better than to talk to strangers alone . Some people smiled . Some people said " That 's nice . " Some people ignored her . Nevertheless . anyone who encountered Tara was sure to find out all about her upcoming trip to Grandma 's whether they wanted to or not . At last , the happy day arrived , Tara woke up bright and early . Daddy was already at work , but Mommy was still sleeping . " Mommy , is today the day ? " Tara whispered loudly in Mommy 's ear , There was no way Tara was going to go back to bed . She was too excited . She just kept talking loudly to herself until Mommy could not stand it anymore and got out of bed . Mommy helped Tara pack and get dressed . Tara must have changed what toys she wanted to take a million times . Actually if she had her way she probably would have taken even more toys , but there wasn 't enough room in the suitcase . Just as they finished lunch , they heard a car outside . Tara ran to the window . " Grandma ! " she shrieked excitedly as she saw Grandma 's little blue car pull up in the driveway . She hurried and got her suitcase and started dragging it toward the door . Tara frowned . She was a big girl . She could carry her own suitcase . However , before she could protest the doorbell rang . " Grandma ! " exclaimed Tara flinging the door open . " Hello , my sweet girl . " Grandma greeted Tara warmly hugging her and kissing her on the cheek . " Are you ready to go ? " Tara nodded happily . " Goodbye , baby . " said Mommy . Now it was her turn to hug and kiss Tara . " You have a good time . I love you , and I 'll miss you . " " Are you ready ? " asked Grandma . Tara nodded . Grandma took the suitcase and led Tara out to the car . They got in their seats , got their seatbelts on and Grandma pulled out of the driveaway . Grandma chatted happily about all the things they were going to do and what fun they were going to have over the weekend . Tara hardly said anything . She just kept turning around and looking back a lot . " Are you okay , my sweet girl ? " asked Grandma finally . " You 're very quiet . " She knew that was not like Tara who was usually quite a chatterbox . " No . " replied Grandma . " I 'm making a delivery . " She lifted Tara out of the car and into her mother 's arms . " Somebody was missing you . " she explained . Briony Arthur 's prized possessions were her hair bows . She had eight of them . There was a purple one and a pink one . There was a red one and a blue one . There was a gold one and a silver one . There was a striped one and one that was all the colors of the rainbow . She loved each one of them and each one was special to her . When she wasn 't wearing them she kept them clipped to the top of her mirror where even Briony could only reach by standing on her chair and climbing onto her desk . She kept them there to keep them away from her little sisters . Briony had three little sister . Shannon and Shosie were twins . Vivica was the baby . All of her little sister 's were fascinated by Briony 's bows . All of them wanted to touch one of Briony 's bows . All of them wanted to wear one of Briony 's bows . Even baby , Vivica would reach up her chubby fingers whenever she got close enough to one and try to grab it and take it for herself . Briony would never let her little sisters near any of her bows . One afternoon , Briony was playing with her brush and her bows . She had just put her gold bow and her silver bow in her hair when she heard her mother calling her from downstairs . " Ill be right there ! " replied Briony . She was going to put her bows away before going to see what her mother wanted . Briony knew she had better go right away when her mother spoke in that tone of voice . She just left her bows . She would have to put them away later . When Briony got back , from helping her mother , she couldn 't find her bows . They were not where she had left them . She looked on the floor . No bows . She looked on the table . No bows . She looked everywhere but still no bows . Briony wanted to cry . She couldn 't imagine where they could be . Just then , Shannon and Shosie entered the room followed by baby Vivica . Shannon was wearing a pink bow and a purple bow . Shosie was wearing a red bow and a blue bow . Baby , Vivica was wearing a striped bow and a bow that was all the colors of the rainbow . Shannon and Shosie laughed and pointed their fingers back at Briony . Baby Vivica pointed her finger at Briony and smiled . None of them took the bows out of their hair . By now , Briony was steaming mad . Her face was turning red with rage . She continued pointing at her sisters , and she stamped her foot at them too . " You give me back my bows ! " she cried angrily . Shannon and Shosie just kept laughing at her . They pointed their fingers and stamped their feet just like Briony but they did not give Briony back her bows . Baby Vivica pointed her finger and stamped her feet too and she smiled happily . To her , it was all a fun game . Briony sighed and angrily pulled the gold and silver bows out of her hair and threw them on the ground . Shannon and Shosie took the bows out of their own hair and threw them on to the ground . Baby Vivica took the bows out of her hair and threw them on to the ground too . Briony smiled in relief and gathered up all her bows and hugged them to her . She was so glad to have them back . It made her incredibly happy . Briony was about to take her bows back to her room and put them away but as she was leaving the room , she glimpsed at her sisters ' faces . They all looked so incredibly sad , they looked the way Briony felt when her bows were missing . Briony actually felt bad for them . She sighed again . Then , she gave the pink and purple bows to Shannon . She gave the red and blue bows to Shosie . She gave the gold and silver bows to baby , Vivica . She kept the striped bow and the bow with all the colors of the rainbow for herself . Her sisters smiled at Briony gratefully . Briony smiled back , and she felt surprisingly good . It was a bright sunshiny day . Six year old twins , Olissa and Oliver Trent were sitting out on their front porch . Oliver was playing his Nintendo 3D . Olissa was reading a book . Suddenly , Olissa thought she saw a little furry creature scurrying by . She sat up quickly and nervously dropped the book out her hands . " What was that ? " she exclaimed worriedly . Olissa put her hand to her ear . She was sure she heard squeaking . " Did you hear that ? " she asked grabbing her brother 's arm . " I think it was a mouse . " " I didn 't hear anything . " replied Oliver . " Besides , even if it was a mouse , who cares ? It 's just a little mouse . Just then their mother called them in to dinner . All through dinner , Olissa kept thinking about the mouse . She was so worried about it that she could hardly eat . She just kept pushing her food around on her plate . There was no further talk about mice but that didn 't stop Olissa from thinking about them . In fact , she couldn 't stop thinking about them at all . That night she lay in bed thinking of nothing but them . She kept thinking she saw them scurrying out of dark corners of her room or that she saw them crawling out from under her bed . She thought she heard them too . She kept thinking she was hearing little squeaking noises . She worriedly pulled the covers all the way up and ducked her head under them trying to hide from any mice that might possibly be there . She could not sleep at all . After a long long while , when she was finally able to drift off to sleep , she dreamed about mice : lots and lots of mice , armies of giant mice with lots of heads like the mouse in The Nutcracker . The next day was another beautiful day . " Can we do our homework out on the porch ? " Oliver asked their mother when they got home from school . Their mother readily agreed because she thought it would be good for them to get some fresh air while they were doing their homework . Oliver laughed . " Are you still worried about that mouse ? " he asked . Olissa just glared at him . " Don 't worry , " he assured her in a teasing manner . " I 'll protect you . " Then , suddenly something furry ran by Oliver . He screamed and jumped back . Olissa put her hands in front of her face and peeked through her fingers . Then , she quickly took her fingers away from her face . " Oh , " she said looking at the little brown mouse that she saw in front of her . " It 's so cute . It 's just a tiny little thing . " " I 'm not afraid . " replied Oliver . " I 'm just protecting you . " Olissa could see that he was shaking a little though and his voice had slight tremor when he spoke . Olissa smiled . " I know . " she admitted . " That was before I knew how cute it was . " she tiptoed over near the mouse and knelt down . " Hello , little mouse . " she said softy to it . " Okay . " replied Olissa . " If that 's what you want to believe . " She couldn 't help smiling . She knew he was afraid of the mouse , and she wasn 't . For the first time , in her life she had been braver than her brother , and she was so proud of herself . Lucille Guiney was not a very lucky girl . She woke up late one morning . She didn 't get to eat breakfast which was her favorite , chocolate chip pancakes with syrup , whip cream and a cherry on top . She stepped in a puddle on her way to school and ruined her dress . It was her favorite dress too . It was purple with pink pockets . In school , she realized she had forgotten her homework . She looked through her backpack several times . It wasn 't there . She got so upset about it that she had trouble paying attention in class . " What ? " asked Lucille . Her mouth hung open in confusion . She didn 't even know what they were doing . The other kids all started laughing hysterically . Lucille was so totally humiliated . " Alright , that 's enough . " declared her teacher , Miss Mary . The other kids stopped laughing . However , it was too late , Lucille did not feel any better . The rest of the day was pretty similar . Lucille couldn 't wait to go home . On her way home , she tripped and fell on the ground . " Just my luck . " she quietly said to herself . She was brushing herself off when she noticed she had landed in a patch of clover . She leaned down to look closer . She couldn 't believe it , right in front of her was a 4 leaf clover ! She wondered if it was really lucky . " Ah , probably not . " she said , but she picked it up to show it to her Mom anyway . She put it in her dress pocket . When she got home , her mother had a delicious plate of freshly baked double chocolate chip cookies with caramel and fudge for her . They were her favorite , but her mom hardly ever made them . They were delicious . After Lucille ate , she did her homework . It was really easy . She made sure to put it in her backpack right after . Just when she was finished with her homework , the phone rang . Mommy answered . She talked for a little while and seemed really excited . " That 's great ! " she exclaimed happily smiling towards Lucille . " That 's really great ! " Lucille couldn 't wait to hear what was going on . " That was your Principal . " explained her mother . " You have been chosen to be in the Geography Bee , and if you win you can get a college scholarship . " " Really . " replied her Mom . " I 'm so proud of you . " She hugged Lucille . Lucille started jumping up and down excitedly . She couldn 't wait to tell everybody . She hurried to call her Grandma . Grandma was really happy for her " This calls for a special celebration . " she declared . " Where would you like me to take you ? " she asked . After she got off the phone , she told her mother . " I can 't believe how much my luck has changed . I guess four leaf clovers really are lucky . I found one this afternoon and ever since then good things have been happening to me . " Lucille didn 't think her mother believed her . " Here let me show you . " she declared reaching into her dress pocket and pulling out the clover . She handed it to her mother . Her mother took it and examined it . " I 'm sorry , honey , but this is only a three leaf clover . " Mommy showed her that the one of the leaves was ripped in two . There once was a land far away . In this land , there lived a young prince . This prince needed an outfit for the Royal Ball . He was a growing boy and none of the party clothes he already had fit him anymore . The King and Queen hired the finest tailors in the land to make the prince some new clothes for the Ball . The tailors showed the Prince the best materials they could find . " Just pick out whatever you like , and we will make you the finest outfit in the land . " they told him . The Tailors looked at the King and Queen who both had their mouths open in shock . " Your just teasing us , aren 't you son ? " asked the King . The Prince shook his head . " That isn 't funny . " said the King . The Queen stared deep into her son 's eyes and saw that this was what the Prince really wanted . " Let it be so . " she declared . " If the Prince wants a dress . Then , he shall have a dress . " The Queen looked once more into her son 's eyes and she could tell that this is what the Prince really wanted . " Let it be so . " she declared . " If the Prince wants a pink dress . Then , he shall have a pink dress . " " What kind of shoes can we make you , your highness ? " asked the cobblers . " We have some fine leathers . We can make you a pair of sturdy Oxfords or a nice pair of loafers . " " Heels ? " echoed the Queen but in a much softer tone . When her son nodded his head she replied . " Let it be so . If the Prince wants a pair of heel , he shall have a pair of heels . " So the tailors and the cobblers set about making the Prince 's new clothes . All day and all night they worked . When they were finished , the King ordered them to bring the new clothes to the palace for the Prince to view and try on . He was secretly hoping that when the Prince saw the new clothes he would realize how foolish and silly looking they were for a young prince , and he wouldn 't want them after all . The King would be happy to have the tailors and cobblers make the prince a whole new royal wardrobe just so long as the prince came to his senses and got rid of the pink dress and heels . The King 's face turned bright red and he looked as though he might explode , but he said nothing . He still didn 't think that the Prince was really going to wear the dress to the Royal Ball . " Are you sure that 's what you want ? " he asked when he finally regained his composure . The day of the Royal Ball arrived . Prior to the ball , it was traditional for the royal family to lead a procession to the palace . The Royal family got ready for the procession . The King and Queen got dressed in their finest clothes . The Prince put on his dress . They sat in the royal carriage and prepared to lead the procession to the palace . The route to the palace was lined with peasants just waiting for a glimpse at the royal family . They were so excited to see the King and Queen and the Prince . They couldn 't wait to see what they were all wearing . When the royal carriage went by , the crowd peeked in . When they saw the King and Queen 's fine clothes , they oohed and aahed . When they saw the prince 's dress and high heels , there was a hush , and they opened their mouths in shock . Then , the whispering began . " The Prince is wearing girl clothes . " they said . The whisper worked it 's way through the whole crowd until everyone was loudly whispering " The Prince is wearing girl clothes ! " Then , one brave little girl stood up and said . " I think the Prince looks good in his new clothes and if they are comfortable and make him happy , isn 't that good enough ? " Nobody in the crowd responded so the little girl turned to her mother and said . " Mommy , isn 't it a shame that girl 's can wear pretty much whatever they want , but boys can 't wear girl clothes . " The Prince overheard the little girl as the carriage passed by , and he smiled at her . He invited the little girl and her mother to sit inside the royal carriage and come to the ball with him . They happily accepted . The little girl happily danced every dance with the Prince , and they had a wonderful time . Quinby Radko was sitting at the table eating dinner . " Do I have to eat my peas ? " she asked as she pushed them to edge of her plate with her fork . " Vegetables are good for you . " replied Mommy . Quinby shrugged , but made no move to eat her peas . She hated vegetables . Why did things that were good for you always have to taste so bad ? For a whole week , Quinby ate all her vegetables without complaining . Every day , after dinner she stood next to Ulianna and measured herself . Every day , she was still not taller than Ulianna . Ever day , she was still the same size . " Why aren 't I growing ? " she complained to Mommy . " I 've been eating my vegetables every day . " Quinby eye 's lit up . That was it ! That was the answer ! She just wasn 't getting enough sleep . If she got the right amount of sleep she would be taller than Ulianna in no time . " Can I go to sleep now ? " she asked excitedly . Ulianna was lying on the couch watching TV . " Can you stand up for a minute ? " asked Quinby . Ulianna stood up . Quinby measured herself next to Ulianna . It looked like Ulianna was about two inches taller than her . " Two more nights sleep , and I 'll be as tall as you . " Quinby happily informed her big sister . For the next two nights , Quinby happily went to bed without protest the minute she was told it was time . Once she was in bed , she didn 't get out of bed once . She just went right to sleep . On the third day , Quinby woke up and excitedly sprang out of bed . She hurried to find Ulianna . Ulianna was still in bed . " When are you getting up ? " demanded Quinby . Ulianna just rolled over and went back to sleep . Quinby sighed impatiently . She stood by Ulianna 's bed watching and waiting for Ulianna to get up . Quinby 's eyes lit up when Ulianna got out of bed . Now , she could see if all that sleep had paid off . She hurried over to Ulianna and measured herself . Then , she frowned . Ulianna was still taller than her . Quinby reached into the cabinet and got the requested bowl . " Mommy when am I gonna grow ? " she asked as she handed it to her mother . " I eat all my vegetables . I get lots of sleep , and I 'm still not taller than Ulianna . When am I going to get bigger ? When I am going to grow ? " Quinby smiled . Mommy was right . She did used to have to stand on her tippy toes to reach the cabinet . She was growing ! She might not be as tall as Ulianna yet , but at least it was a start . Ariena was the youngest of the three Wurtzel children . She was 8 . Her sister Ashley , was 13 . Her brother , Ian was 16 . Ariena adored her brother and and her sister . She always wanted to hang around them . Unfortunately , Ashley and Ian never seemed to appreciate her presense . Ashley was sitting on the living room couch . One of her feet was lying on the coffee table in front of her , and she was painting her toe nails purple . The phone was propped between her ear and her shoulder . " I know ! " she exclaimed into the phone . " I can 't believe she did that . " Then , she noticed Ariena standing over her . " Do you want something ? " she asked in angry voice . Ashley went back to talking on the phone . She talked for ten minutes without even noticing Ariena was still there . Ariena listened intently to Ashley 's conversation or at least the part of it that she could hear . Mostly the conversation was pretty boring , but when Ashley started talking about a new movie that was coming out that weekend , Alana 's ears perked up . She jumped out of her seat . " I want to see that movie too ! " she shouted excitedly . " Can I go too ? " " Well , it 's not a private living room . " retorted Ariena . " I heard you talking about that new movie , Guinea Pigs 2 , and I want to see it too ! Why can 't I go with you ? " " Please ! Please ! I 'll be good . I 'll be quiet . You won 't even know I 'm there . " begged Ariena . Ariena raised her eyebrows at her sister . " How is that even possible ? " she replied in disbelief . " You are such a pest ! You are so annoying ! " She grabbed the phone and her stuff and hobbled out of the room with her toes in the air so as not to smudge her freshly painted toenails . Ariena stuck out her lower lip and frowned . Now , what was she going to do ? She decided to go and look for Ian . She went up to his room , but he wasn 't there . In fact , he wasn 't anywhere in the house . Ariena was just about to go ask Mom if Mom knew where Ian was when she glanced out the window and saw him out in the backyard throwing around a football with a group of his friends . " There you are ! " Ariena exclaimed happily as she eagerly hurried out to the backyard . " Hey what are you doing ? " she asked when she reached her brother and his friends . The boys immediately stopped playing and glared at her . Ian grabbed her and scooped her off the ground to stop her from running around , " No , because you 're a little kid and you 're a pest . Don 't be so annoying ! " he replied in exasperation . " Now , why don 't you get out of here so we can get back to our game . " he added putting her back down on the ground again . Ariena flopped herself down onto the couch . Her mother found her there a little while later . " Hello , sweetie . " her mother greeted her cheerfully . " What are you doing ? " " I 'm not doing anything . " replied Ariena boredly . " Nobody will let me do anything . They all think I 'm annoying . They all just keep telling me to go away . Do you think I 'm annoying ? " Ariena 's eyes lit up . " Sure ! " she exclaimed excitedly . She followed her mother into the kitchen . They started making spaghetti . Ariena helped her mother make sauce . She was standing by the stove stirring the sauce when her brother came in . Just then , Ashley came in . " I 'm starving . " she said . " I need something to eat " She went to the refrigerator and took out the bread and was about to make herself a sandwich when Mommy took the bread and put it back in the refrigerator . Ariena shook her head at her brother and sister . She smiled at her mother . " They 're really annoying , aren 't they , Mommy ? " she said . Penina Foley loved books . She also loved drawing . Her favorite book was Harold and the Purple crayon . She loved how Harold could create so many great things with just his crayon . Penina wanted to draw amazing things too . Penina looked for her crayons . They weren 't in her art kit . They were 't in her toy box . They weren 't in her closet . Finally . she found them under the bed . They were all out of the box and most of them were broken . The only ones that weren 't broken were brown and green . Penina really didn 't like those colors . She threw all the crayons back down on the ground . Penina went back to her art box . She had some water color paints . She tossed them aside No , that wasn 't what she needed at all . Next , she found some glue and some glitter . Those weren 't what she was looking for either . She tossed them aside too . Finally . she found her markers . She opened up the box . She looked at each one in turn and threw it to the ground : red , blue , black , brown , green , and orange . No ! No ! No ! No ! No ! No ! Then , finally she found just what she was looking for , something special to write with , a pink marker . Penina loved pink . Pink was her favorite color . She could make really special drawings with a pink marker . Penina draw a castle with her pink marker . Then , she drew a King and Queen . " Hello , your highnesses . " she said bowing to the King and Queen . " Why , yes , thank you I 'd love to go to the ball . " Penina drew herself a pretty dress and a nice pair of shoes . . Then , she draw a ballroom . All that dancing made her tired so she made herself a bench to sit down on . Then , she made a pretty flower garden to look at . The flowers looked a little wilted . Penina made rain to make her flowers grow . Then , suddenly there was a little too much rain so Penina drew herself an umbrella . She imagined that the umbrella was lifting her high up in the air so she drew clouds and birds . Then , she drew an airplane and she imagined climbing inside it . She was hungry after all that flying so she drew some food and pretended to eat it . After she ate , she was bored with flying . She drew herself a parachute and parachuted down to the ground . She draw herself a nice bed of grass to land on . Then , she draw herself some fun shaped clouds to look at . There was an angel and a bunny and a puppy dog . Penina got so cozy staring up at the pink clouds she had drawn that she soon drifted off to sleep . The people driving the cars looked like papers dolls . They were completely flat . They were all made of pretty colors like pink and purple and yellow and red . They looked just like the people Penina always made in her drawings had come to life . In fact , they were the people Penina always made in her drawings . " Thank you for bringing us to life , Penina . " they told her gratefully . Penina just smiled and waved . The people wanted to make Penina their queen . " Oh no , thank you . " said Penina modestly . " I just couldn 't accept . " However , the people insisted . They wanted her to sit on a gold markered throne and wear a silver markered crown on her head . Just as they were putting the crown on Penina 's head . She heard a loud noise , and it jolted her awake . There were loud footsteps in the hall outside her room , and they were quickly approaching her door . Then , she heard Mom 's voice . " Penina ! " she called . " Penina , I 've been calling and calling you it 's dinner time ! " Penina quickly sat up bu before she could answer , her bedroom door opened , and her mother rushed into her room . Mommy opened her mouth to say something , but before she could get a word out she saw Penina 's room , and she froze . When she finally recovered she said in an angry voice " Penina why is your room a mess and why is there pink marker all over your walls ? " It was a cold cold winter 's night . The temperature was below freezing . It was the kind of night that makes you dream of moving to a warm tropical climate where the sun shines all year long . Nina Urman lay shivering under a pile of fluffy blankets . She still couldn 't warm up though no matter , how many blankets she piled on top of her . Nina could hear the icy wind rustling through the trees outside her window . That just made her feel even colder . She wished she had someone to snuggled up against and keep her warm . She thought about crawling in with her little sister , Nola . Nola 's bed was way too small for both of them . If she got in bed , with Nola she 'd probably just end up on the floor which would be even colder . Besides , sometimes , Nola kicked . Mom and Dad were so lucky they had each other to snuggled up with and get warm . They also had a heater in their room . They wouldn 't let Nina and Nola get heaters in their rooms because they were afraid of the heaters being knocked over and something bad happening like a fire starting . Nina thought about Mom and Dad all warm and snug in their bed down the hall . She was filled with jealousy . She wished she was a little kid again and could crawl up into bed with them . Even then , they never let her stay long . As soon as they noticed she was in their bed , Dad would scoop her up in his arms and carry her back to her own room . However , even just a few minutes in Mom 's and Dad 's bed always made Nina happy . She wished she could have that now just a few minutes in their bed to warm up . It was too bad she was too old to crawl into their bed in the night anymore . Finally , Nina could stand it no longer . She didn 't care if she was too old to climb into her Mom and Dad 's bed . She was going to do it anyway . It would only be for a few minutes ; just until she warmed up . Nina quietly slipped out of her bed and scurried down the hall to Mom and Dad 's room . She climbed up in the bed next to them trying to make herself as small and invisible as possible . ' Just for a few minutes . ' she thought to herself . ' Until I warm up . Then , I 'll go back to my own bed . ' Mom and Dad 's bed was so soft . She felt the warmth of heater and the warmth of her parents body heat as well . She finally started to feel a little warm herself . Nina sighed contently and quickly drifted into a deep sleep . Nina 's little sister , Nola was awakened by the sound of Nina 's footsteps hurrying by her room . She wondered what was up and quickly sat up in her bed . She worried that something was wrong . There was no way she was going back to sleep now not until she was sure everything was okay . She waited for the sound of Nina 's footsteps to come back down the hall . Five minutes went by . Then , ten minutes went by . Still Nina did not come back down the hall to her room . It was dreadfully quiet . Nola 's imagination was running wild with the horrible possibilities of what might be wrong . She was terrified . She was sure something awful must have happened . She could no longer just lie in her bed and wait to find out what it was . She quickly hopped out of bed and ran down the hall to their parents room . When Nola got to her parents room , Mommy , Daddy and Nina were all lying snug and cozy in Mommy and Daddy 's bed . Nola 's face turned red with anger . Here they all were cuddling together in bed while she , Nola was lying alone in her bed worrying that something terrible had happened and freezing . Well , she wasn 't going to stand for that . She quickly slipped into the bed next to Mommy . ' Ah ' she softly sighed contently as she was suddenly filled with warmth . Within minutes , she was fast asleep and dreaming . Maribelle , their cat had been curled up lying under the bed when Nina came in . When Nina had crawled into the bed , Maribelle crawled out from under it . She meowed softly and went and sat in the corner of the room . When Nola showed up , Maribelle jumped up by the window . She could feel the cold air blasts through the window . Maribelle jumped back . She did not like cold one bit . She wanted to be warm and cozy too just like the rest of the family , Maribelle flung herself down from the window ledge onto the bed . She curled up in her favorite spot between Nina 's legs , closed her eyes and went back to sleep purring happily . The final member of the family , Bernie the big St . Bernard padded into the room . He saw the whole family even Maribelle , the cat all lying snug and cozy in bed without him . Bernie whimpered sadly . He wanted to snuggle up with the family too . He jumped onto the bed . Because of Bernie 's large size they bed gave a huge jolt when Bernie jumped on . Maribelle went flyng off the bed . Bernie moved around trying to get comfortable , Nina and Nola both went flying out of the bed too . Bernie still couldn 't get comfortable . He moved around even more the covers flew off the bed and Mommy and Daddy went crashing to the floor with them . Bernie lay down across the middle of the bed and closed his eyes . At last he was comfortable . However , nobody else in the house was comfortable . " Bernie ! " they all exclaimed angrily jumping to their feet . Bernie opened his eyes when he heard his name . He saw the family all standing around him . He was with his family . He was happy . He closed his eyes and went back to sleep . Sally Stevens was a seven year old girl . She had seven friends , counting her aunts . Alex , Jo , Sam , Teddy , and Max . They were all girls . She had an Aunt Charlie and an Aunt Delilah Al Morine Doxen Voile . Aunt Al , for short . Sally lived with her aunts . Sally was selfish . " Sally , can I borrow Spy Kids 4 ? I didn 't get a chance to see it in the movie theater . " asked Alex . Jo brought all her Barbies over . Sally got all her Barbies out . They spread all the dolls out on the floor . " Let 's pick dolls . " suggested Jo . Sally agreed . Jo picked out a doll . " Oh no . " said Sally . " You can 't use that one . " Jo picked out another one . " Oh , definitely not that one . " declared Sally . Jo gave Sally an even angrier look . " I don 't think I want to be your friend anymore . " she shouted and then , she stormed off . Now , Sally only had five friends . Sally was very sad . To cheer her up , Aunt Charlie and Aunt Al took her to the movies . They invited Sam to go along . " At least you 're my real friend . " Sally told Sam when they got to the movies and found their seats . Aunt Charlie and Aunt Al bought popcorn and soda . Sam 's eyes lit up when she saw the popcorn , " That looks so good . " she declared hungrily reaching for some . The next day Sally saw Teddy and Max at the playground . She ran over to them excitedly . " What do you want to play ? " she asked eagerly . The two girls hurried off to play on the swings without Sally . Sally sat down on the park bench feeling very sad . Now , she only had two friends and having only two friends that were your Aunts was like not having any friends at all . Sally carefully thought about everything that had happened . " I guess it was me that wasn 't a very good friend . " she admitted . " But I don 't like to share . " she insisted . The next day , she invited all her friends over . They didn 't really want to come but reluctantly they did . " Let 's play Barbie . " she said when they showed up . " Just give me a chance . " begged Sally . " It doesn 't matter if you didn 't bring any Barbies . " She handed all her Barbies out to her friends . " You do ? " asked Sally happily . " Are we friends again ? " she asked hopefully . All the girls nodded in agreement . " I 'm glad . " declared Sally . Little Bo Peep sat crying in the meadow . Her sheep were nowhere to be found . " What 's the matter ? " asked Kitten One , of the famous three little kittens . " I lost my sheep , " cried poor Little Bo Peep " and , I don 't know where to find them . In fact , I am always losing my sheep , and if I can 't keep from losing them , I 'm going to lose my job . Whatever shall I do ? " She hung her head in her hands and sighed sadly . " The Marvelous Mother Goose ? " repeated Little Bo Beep . She looked up at Kitten One hopefully . " Do you think should she could help me find me my sheep and keep from losing them again ? " " Great ! " exclaimed Little Bo Peep jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of being able to find her lost sheep and keep them from wandering off again . She took off in search of the Marvelous Mother Goose , and then suddenly realized she had no idea where she was going . " Excuse me ! " she called to the retreating figure of Kitten One . " Where can I find this Marvelous Mother Goose ? " " Follow the Garden Path . Follow the Garden Path . " Little Bo Peep repeated out loud over and over again . Then , suddenly she came to a cornfield . In the cornfield , there was a haystack . Little Bo Peep thought she saw arms and legs in the middle of haystack . She was worried that someone was in trouble in there so she quickly went over to check it out . " Hello ? " she said poking at the one of the arms coming out of the haystack . " I lost my sheep too . " Little Bo Peep told him . " I 'm on my way to the Marvelous Mother Goose . She is going to help me find and keep my sheep . " " The Marvelous Mother Goose ? " repeated the little boy . " Do you think she could help me find my sheep too , and keep from falling asleep so I don 't lose them again either ? " " I 'm sure . " she could replied Little Bo Peep . " I 'm told she can do anything . Why don 't you join me ? I 'm Little Bo Peep . " She put out her hand . Then suddenly , they stopped . " What is that ? " asked Little Bo Peep as she thought she heard a noise . Then , suddenly she felt something on her lips and somebody was kissing her . She jumped back and quickly ran over to Little Boy Blue . A boy appeared in their path . " Oh not another one ! " he cried sadly putting his head in his hands . " Why do the girls always run from me ? At least you didn 't cry though . " he added brightening up a little . " They usual cry . " " Who is the Marvelous Mother Goose ? " asked the boy . They told him all about the Marvelous Mother Goose . He told them he would love to join them and see if the Marvelous Mother Goose could help him keep all the girls from crying and running away from him . After all , how was he ever going to get a date if the girls wouldn 't stop running away from him ? Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue introduced themselves to the boy . He told them that his name was Georgy Porgie . They all set off down the Garden Path together in search of the Marvelous Mother Goose . They had only gone a few feet when they heard a scream . " Did you see it ? Did you see it ? " a girl exclaimed frightenedly running into their path . " That 's a great idea ! " exclaimed Little Bo Peep . " Why don 't you come with us ? We 're on on our way to the Marvelous Mother Goose ? " They didn 't have to ask twice . The girl , whose name was Little Miss Muffett decided to join them . They quickly set off down the Garden Path . They had only walked a little further when they reached a sunny cottage . They knocked on the door . " Come in ! " called a Grandmotherly voice . They carefully entered . Inside they found a kindly old woman who looked like a goose . " Are you the Marvelous Mother Goose ? " asked Little Bo Peep as the others all hung back behind her . " Are you going to make us perform a feat like finding a witch 's broomstick or cutting out the heart of a princess and bringing it to you before you help us ? " asked Georgie Porgie worriedly . He couldn 't stop his knees from shaking in nervousness at the presence of the Marvelous Mother Goose . It was the first time he had ever been afraid of a female instead of the other way around . Mother Goose laughed . She had a lovely musical sounding laugh . " Of course not . " she declared . " Those feats are for other people in other times and places . What can I do for you , my children ? " " Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and needs a better way of keeping track of them . Georgie Porgie can 't get the girls to stop running away from him . Miss Muffet is deathly afraid of spiders . I lost my sheep too , and I can 't stop falling asleep on the job . " Little Boy Blue explained in a rush . The Marvelous Mother Goose smiled . " Well , that 's all easily solvable . " she said . " As for all the missing sheep come and see . " She led them to her backyard where two herds of sheep were grazing on her lawn . " I wondered where all these sheep came from that are destroying my grass and flowers . See it 's true when they say that when you help others you 're really helping yourself . If I help you with your problems I will also be getting rid of these sheep , and that will eliminate my problem . Let this be a lesson to you children . Always help others . " " Mother Goose , " said Little Miss Muffet impatiently . " You 're rambling . Could we get on with it ? I am kind of tired . I 've haven 't been sleeping much . My fear of spiders has been keeping me awake nights . " " Yes , of course , dear . " replied the Marvelous Mother Goose . " Let 's start with you first . I don 't know how to get rid of spiders , but what I can do is give you this giant can of bug spray . " She took out a huge red can marked Bug Spray . It was the biggest can any of them had ever seen . It was as big as a two liter bottle of soda . She handed it to Little Miss Muffet . " Oh thank you . Mother Goose . " exclaimed Miss Muffet gratefully . " Those spiders better be afraid of me now ! " she added waving the can of bug spray around . " Be careful , dear . " warned Mother Goose . " It 's not to be used on other people . " Miss Muffet carefully put the spray down as Mother Goose moved on to Georgie Porgie . " As for you , " she said to him . " First of all , you should stop sneaking up on girls and kissing them . " " I 'm the Marvelous Mother Goose . Some things I just know . " she said . " Anyway I can 't help you with that , but I can help you with your other problem which is that you have terrible bad breath . Maybe , your breath is one reason why the girls always run away from you and cry when you kiss them . " " I can smell it from here . " replied Mother Goose waving the smell away from her face . Little Bo Peep and Little Miss Muffet both nodded in agreement . " Here is something to help with that . " Mother Goose told him . She handed him a huge round white candy . " This is the neverending breath mint . " she explained just suck on it for a few minutes when you need it to freshen your breath . " Mother Goose moved on to Little Boy Blue . She handed him a wrist watch . " Make sure this is set to go off at regular intervals when you 're on the job , and you 'll never fall asleep on the job again . " " Ah yes . Little Bo Peep . " replied Mother Goose . " Her problem is a little more complicated than yours . She needs a tracking device for her sheep so if they wander off she can find them . I haven 't gotten anything like that yet , but in the meantime , here are some bells we can use to keep track of the sheep 's comings and goings . " Little Boy Blue , Georgie Porgie , Little Miss Muffett and Little Bo Peep herself all helped Mother Goose put bells around Little Bo Peep 's sheeps necks . Just as they started walking down the path , a very upset young girl was running up it . " Mother Goose ! Mother Goose ! " she cried in a very worried voice . " My lamb has come to school again ! " Mother Goose poked her head out of the cottage window . " Don 't worry . Mary . " she called . " I 'll be right with you . " To the others , she said . " The Marvelous Mother Goose 's work is never done . " |
On Tuesday morning , Mason sent the car to pick up Daniela at 10 . Hayley and Jake had already left for work . Marvina brought her a glass of juice and a piece of toast before she left . The limousine brought her to his restaurant where his chef prepared a lovely breakfast for her . Mason showed her around the restaurant . He told her that he wanted his children to learn how to cook and he wanted them to work in a soup kitchen so they would know what hunger felt like . Daniela listened to him . She liked his style . Mason revealed that he was a Dom and he had used women , but he was trying very hard to change . Daniela didn 't answer . " Mason , I want to get to know you . I want to spend time with you . I will make my decision by April . Let 's see how this goes . " After leaving the restaurant Mason told her , he had a surprise . They rode out to Greenwich , Connecticut . " I want to show you something and I hope you like it . " He held her hand all the way there . The car drove up a winding road to a beautiful Georgian brick home . Daniela noticed the grounds were incredible and the trees gave the home a feeling of privacy . As Mason took her hand and they walked up to the house , Daniela felt like a princess . The realtor , a young man named David showed them through the house . He explained to Mason and Daniela that the house was within walking distance of schools and the town . The center hall featured a curved staircase , parquet floors and full floor to ceiling window . The living room had a fireplace and overlooked a lake . There was a family room with a wet bar and French doors which opened out to the terrace . The formal dining room was a dream and Daniela could see herself throwing parties . The house also had a library , a breakfast room , and an office . The kitchen was country - style with a solarium that lead to a three car garage . They continued the tour through the house where there were five more bedrooms . Returning downstairs , they saw the main floor guest suite and the theater that seated 15 . There was also a wine cellar and a playroom for children . Mason whispered in her ear , ' I 'm sure we can create a ' playroom ' for us . After the tour , they went outside where there was a table and chairs set with beautiful linens and candles . A guitarist played and sang . It was so romantic . " You did this for me . " Daniela said . " I bought the house for you and me . I 'm hoping we can live in it together . " Mason said , as he pulled out her chair . Mason got on his knee and pulled out a handkerchief , " I know you need to make a decision and I won 't rush you . I bought the house . When you are ready , we can furnish it together . I love you Daniela . " He kissed her hand . Daniela took his handkerchief and wiped her eyes . The waiter came out and brought their lunch . Delicious salmon with wild rice and asparagus tips . Dessert was chocolate seven - layer cake . Because Daniela was pregnant , they had sparkling grape juice . On the ride back , Mason held her in his arms . He kissed her . When they arrived back at Jake 's house she wanted to rip Mason 's clothes off , but he took her to the elevator and left . It was seven - thirty . Jake and Hayley were just sitting down to dinner when Daniela came in . Jake looked up surprised and pulled out her chair . Daniela sat down . She looked happy but tired . " You look like you 've had a very busy day . " " I want to give this time before I tell him definitely , at least until after the New Year . " Daniela said . " What kind of house has he bought ? " Jake asked . Daniela gushed about the house . Hayley got up and went to the computer . She found the house on line . " Jake , this house cost ten million dollars . Mason is very serious . " Jake looked at the house . It was really something . " But Matthew will reimburse him for the house . " Jake said , trying to play down what Mason had done . Daniela shook her head , " He doesn 't want that . He says he wants the house to be mine and he wants to take care of the baby and me . You don 't know this but he sent me a Kindle with the ' What To Expect ' books on it and gave me a baby monitor the last time he was here . He told me he loves me . He told me he 's changed . " Hayley earlier in the day had lunch with Stephen . He told her that he wasn 't interested in Daniela but he wanted to ask Mary out on a date . Hayley told him she would speak to Jake about that . Marvina brought Daniela a shrimp salad and a large glass of water . " I want you to eat healthy . You 're pregnant . Tomorrow you stay in and I 'll take care of you . You 've been out all week and you and that baby need some rest . " Hayley started sucking Jake 's cock . " Damn I love your mouth . " He said fucking in and out as Hayley stared into his eyes , " Yes damn you , they can have lunch , but if things go badly I 'll take it out of your ass . " Daniela stayed in bed late . Marvina brought her breakfast on a tray . She thanked her . Jake and Hayley had asked Daniela if she wouldn 't mind giving Marvina a treat . Daniela said that she wouldn 't mind , she liked Marvina . " Yes you did . You like watching me stick my finger in my pussy . Mr . Jake and Miss Hayley wouldn 't like you watching me . " Daniela said . " I bet you do . I bet you like watching them boss me around . I 'm their slave , but you are their servant . " Daniela said with a twinkle in her eye . " I know what you want . " Daniela put her finger back in her pussy . She watched Marvina 's face as she fucked herself , " That 's so damn good . " Daniela said . When she withdrew her finger , she held it out . " Finger or … pussy . " She said . Daniela laughed , " Bitch you heard me . Do you want just a lick or a whole taste , but if you taste you have to make me cum not once , not twice , but until I say stop . I won 't be sucking that black cunt this time , but the next time I return here I just might , so answer me Marvina , finger or pussy . " Marvina 's mouth watered . She could barely speak . She set the tray back down on the bed and dropped to her knees . " Pussy please . " She said . Marvina crawled forward , grabbed Daniela 's thighs and began to eat . She ate Daniela 's pregnant pussy for nearly an hour . She sucked , licked , and stuffed her tongue deep inside . Daniela held the black woman 's head as she fucked her face . God , the power of being in control . Daniela liked it ! Marvina made Daniela cum four times before Daniela let her go . " I leave tomorrow , but we 'll do this again . " Daniela said as she released her . " This will be our secret . " She said . You are a wonderful woman , but I don 't think the woman for me . I believe that Mason or Isabel would be very lucky to have you . I look forward to coming to your wedding with whomever you choose . Good luck with the baby . She showed the email to Hayley who sent a copy to Kenneth and Blake . Blake phoned Matthew to let him know that Stephen was out . Matthew was upset , but Blake let him know that Stephen would join his family at some later date in the future . Matthew didn 't understand , but he trusted Blake and he had no choice . Dent , on the other hand , was furious . He cursed his son and yelled over the phone , " You should have had the slave suck your cock . You should have had her on her knees for you . This was our chance . " " Dad , I 'm still trying to figure out who I am . I have someone else I 'm interested in . Calm down . Daniela is not for me . I believe she 's in love with Mason . " Stephen said and hung up . Stephen phoned Mary and she was glad to hear from him . He invited her to dinner instead of lunch on Friday . Mary felt her pussy getting moist as he talked to her on the phone . Stephen had decided to stay in New York . He was off from college until after the New Year . He would have to return home for Christmas , but he would be returning a few days later . He wanted to get to know Mary better and hopefully her brother . Stephen still hadn 't been introduced into the families ritual . He would only be at the board meeting for the first part , but not for the entire day and night . Until Stephen proposed , he would not be included in all the events of the family and he knew that . Stephen was curious about all the secrecy , but he knew not to ask because no one in the family would tell him . Mary lay in bed fingering her pussy . All she could see was Stephen . He was gorgeous in a classic sort of way . She wanted him to take her virginity . She wanted him more than she ever wanted anyone and no one would stop her from getting him . Margo Godith was a model . She was gorgeous and she was in love with Mason Chadwell . She had hoped after two years of on and off dating , he would propose . Several weeks ago , he had broken off their relationship in its entirety while she was on a modeling shoot in the Bahamas . He said that he had found the woman he would marry and he was changing his life . Margo was infuriated . She decided that once she got back to New York , she would see Mason and demand he break it off with the bitch he was involved with . She couldn 't imagine life without him . She couldn 't imagine him not flogging her or fucking her ass or suspending her . She couldn 't imagine not being on her knees worshiping him . Mason sent Daniela two dozen mixed roses , which were waiting for her at her home when she and Matthew arrived back in Boston . Matthew was annoyed , but Daniela was very happy . Matthew spanked Daniela over his knee , and then fucked her pussy hard . " I can 't wait until your belly is big . I am hoping Jake will let me fuck you then . I fucked Helen up until her ninth month . " Matthew moaned moving in and out , " Mason will be a lucky man . I love fucking this pussy . " Mason woke up in the middle of the night to someone sucking his cock . He thought he was dreaming , but realized soon enough he wasn 't . Sitting up abruptly , Mason turned on the light to see the light brown hair of Margo sucking him . Mason grabbed her by her short hair and pulled Margo up . " What the fuck are you doing here ? " " Master , I thought I 'd surprise you . " Margo said a grin on her face . " Margo , I told you we were done . I am in love with someone else and I plan to be with her . You and I are finished . " Mason said as he got out of bed and put on his jeans . Margo slid off the bed . She was naked and knelt in front of Mason . " Please , please , you can 't be serious . I love you Master . I thought you were just making me suffer . I can 't live without you . Please take me back . " She begged , tears starting to well in her eyes . As Mason looked at her tearful face , he softened . Mason lifted her up and wrapped the sheet around her naked body . " I 'm sorry Margo , but I can 't do this with you . I really love this woman . You need to go home . I 'll call you a taxi . We 'll talk in a few days . But we are done , finished . " Margo glared at Mason . She wiped the tears that had fallen down her face . " Mason , I will leave . " She stood up and let the sheet fall . Mason turned away . Margo dressed as Mason put on his sneakers and a tee shirt . He called down to the desk and asked for a taxi . Reaching into his pocket , he pulled out a twenty and handed it to Margo . He took her hand and led her out of the bedroom . He went to his office and wrote a check , which he gave to her . " Look , I know you and I have been through a great deal . I know that money is not the answer , but I hope you will use this to get some therapy . I 'm sorry it ended like this , but I fell in love over thanksgiving and I 'm serious about this girl . I 'm cleaning up my act . Please , please Margo respect that . I 'm sorry and I wish you well . " " Margo , my key please ? " Mason asked . Margo fished the key from her pocket and handed it to him . He walked her out the door , took her down to the elevator and put her into the taxi . Margo had kept her fury under wraps until the taxi pulled away . " He thinks he can get away with dumping me . " She said under her breath . " I 'm going to find out who that little cunt is and take care of her . " Margo took the check out of her pocket . She stared at it . " Fifty thousand dollars , is that what he thinks I 'm worth ? " She started to tear it up , then smiled . " I could put this to some really good use . " As a favor to Hayley and Jake , Quinn had done a thorough background check on Mason . She had learned that in the last few months he had really straightened out his life . She was pleased to report that he was indeed on his way . She also told Hayley that Mason had purchased a two million dollar engagement ring from Harry Winston . What Quinn found most interesting was that Mason had paid for the ring out of his personal account , not from his trust . He must really be in love . Quinn mused . Stephen and Mary had dinner at Fig and Olive a lovely Italian restaurant in what used to be the meatpacking district . Mary was very nervous , as was Stephen , when they met . He had wanted to send a car for her , but Mary told him that she would meet him at the restaurant . Stephen arrived first and asked the waiter for a table that was a little off to the side so they could talk . He wore a beautiful tailored black suit with a blue shirt and a blue and grey tie . His hair was slicked back and he looked like a younger Armie Hammer . Mary saw him sitting and waiting for her as she entered the restaurant . He stood up , came over to her and helped her off with her coat . They went back to their table and ordered . From there it was non - stop conversation . They talked about everything as if they had known each other all their lives . Over dessert that they shared , the laughed a great deal . They both knew - they were falling in love . The limousine that was parked outside whisked them to the heliport where Stephen took her for an evening helicopter ride over the city . Mary was hooked and so was he . He asked her if he could kiss her and she said yes . So overlooking New York high in the sky on their first date , they shared their first kiss . When they came back down , Stephen took her for tea at a little teashop in the village . Stephen drove Mary home and walked her to her door , then kissed her goodnight . When he arrived back at the Plaza , he called her and they talked for another two hours before they both fell asleep dreaming of the other . At the office , the next day was a bouquet of mixed flowers in a lovely crystal vase . She showed them to Hayley along with the card that said : " The first of many dates . Have a lovely day . " Stephen . Mason felt nothing as he sat down to breakfast . His father sat with him and they talked about family business as Mason ate his breakfast . Thomas asked his son if he wanted to go riding with him in an hour or so . Mason agreed . He hadn 't been riding in a very long time and felt the need to get out the house and into the air . Thomas left him and Gerard came to get the tray . Mason took a shower and got into his riding clothes . It was noon as Mason went outside . His horse , Mandy was saddled and waiting . " I 'm so happy to see you . " Mason said to the horse as he patted her and gave her some sugar . The horse nuzzled him . Mason was surprised to see all the male members of the family and Jake astride their mounts waiting to go riding with him . " It 's an all - male day today let 's get ready to feel the wind and enjoy the day . " Said Thomas and off they went . Daniela 's day started the same except thee Chadwell 's physician had been called and just wanted to ensure that Daniela was able to participate . She 's perfectly healthy and the babies are doing very well . " Said the doctor to Lady Catherine , after he finished examining Daniela . " Thank you . She can participate in the parameters we 've set ? " Lady Catherine asked . " Yes , but don 't tire her out too much . I think a few orgasms , maybe two or three at the most should suffice for the day . " The doctor said as Gerard led him out . Daniela got dressed . Hayley and the rest of the women were waiting for her downstairs . They were all going to have afternoon tea later in the day . In the meantime , she would get to know her future in - laws . It was crisp and cool outside and they all took a walk through the grounds . Lady Catherine showed Daniela the gardens . They were beautiful even in winter and Daniela couldn 't wait until the flowers bloomed . " Are you sure you don 't want a spring wedding ? " Sylvia asked excitedly . Lady Catherine took her arm , " I love a winter wedding and I assure you my dear the Castle will be spectacular to welcome you into the family . I know that you have your own means and your father would like to be included , but we would like to take care of the wedding . Please allow us . Your father can , if he wishes , host the rehearsal dinner . " From behind them , Claudia rolled her eyes and said , " Oh brother . " Tara gave Claudia a scathing look . Claudia shut her mouth , but stuck out her tongue . Tara ignored her . " My dear girl , you will have a designer design your dress . You are my daughter . All the women in our family have their dresses made , so no worries about that . " Catherine said as they continued to tour the grounds . Mason felt hot . He felt as if he wanted to strip off all his clothes . They had lunch out near the lake . Thomas was watching him and knew that they would have to return home soon . He gave Jake a look . Jake grinned . The formula was beginning to work . Braxton glanced at his brother and Mason looked back at him . Mason imagined Braxton naked . He imagined taking his cock in his mouth and knew it was nearly , but not quite as big as his was . Mason shook his head , damn , he had never sucked a cock in his life , why was he thinking of this ? The formula Mason thought . Jake went over to Mason . " I think we should go home . It is time to begin the ritual in full . Tonight you are with us men . " Mason pulled Jake to him and kissed his mouth . Jake responded . The others watched for a few moments . Thomas broke it up . " Let 's get home and get more comfortable . " All during the ride , Mason watched the men . He wanted to suck and fuck and be sucked and fucked . His dick was hard and throbbing . Every move the horse made , made Mason want more . His dick felt as if it would explode any minute . He needed to get home . Daniela felt her nipples harden . She felt her pussy getting moist . Lady Catherine noticed that she was rubbing her legs together . She gave a nod to Tara who took Daniela up to her room . Hayley helped Daniela change into a white long robe with a zipper down the front . The rest of the women changed into black see through nightgowns . Tara looked sexy in her black long nightgown with a slit up the side . Daniela could imagine licking her black pussy , tonguing it , savoring the taste . Tara noticed the look and licked her lips . Alas on this trip , it was not to be . Tara said to Hayley , " Is her pussy as good as I 'm imagining it to be ? " Gerard arrived . He led the women down to the bottom of the castle . They went through two doors . There was a room with a thick heavy door . Gerard took a large key and opened it . The room looked something out of a Jane Austin novel . It was very feminine , very Victorian but if you looked closely , you could see the wrist and ankle restraints on the bed , the spanking chair , the punishment bench and the cross on the wall with restraints . There were cameras in the room . A large television which was on the wall , looked out of place in the room . Gerard turned it on . Daniela could see another room , a room that looked like a medieval dungeon . She could see Mason , entering the room . He was wearing black silk long pants with a drawstring and nothing else . All the men of the family were wearing black robes . Daniela 's pussy was hot . She was so warm she wanted to just dive into all the beautiful pussies before her . Hayley unzipped her robe and it fell to the floor . The women all knelt to feel her pregnant belly . Lady Catherine took Daniela 's hand and led her to the bed . She was in charge . " Tara tie Claudia to the spanking bench . It 's time my daughter experienced some of what she 's been dolling out to her husband . " Carmen grinned at her mother - in - law . She was looking forward to this . " Since Hayley is our guest , she may have the choice of the whip , the flogger or the paddle . " Catherine said as she ran her hand over Daniela 's breast . Daniela shivered . Hayley picked up the paddle . It was a beautifully crafted one . " It 's been in the family for years ; my grandmother used it on my grandfather . " Catherine said and began sucking on Daniela 's nipple . " She may have two or three orgasms . Tara , come join us at her other breast . " Catherine said , " While Hayley is paddling . I think twenty will do . Hayley , you may give her five . " Hayley was gleeful in her paddling of Claudia . She didn 't like her cousin , Claudia at all . Claudia 's tears were falling freely , but not necessarily from the paddling , but from the humiliation of being struck in front of Daniela . When Hayley was finished , she looked to Lady Catherine who told Carmen to take up whatever device she wished to use on Claudia . Carmen took the flogger and waited for her mother - in - law to give the order . " I think six from Carmen who you 've spoken to with such disdain . " Catherine said as she licked down Daniela 's body . " Sylvia , come and take care of mother . " Sylvia crawled onto the bed as Catherine opened her legs . " I love being here mother . " Sylvia said as she began to lick . Catherine pulled her daughter in tighter to her pussy . Mason was tied to what looked like to him the rack . Mason was stripped of his black silk pants and his legs were fettered . His dick stood straight up . His father pressed a button on a remote and the platform Mason was laying on rose . Thomas pressed another button and the platform righted itself until Mason was standing straight up . His dick was level to Carlton 's mouth . Carlton removed his robe and began to suck his brother 's cock . Mason let out a moan , " Yesss , that 's so good . Suck my cock . " He groaned . Jake came over and kissed his mouth . He and Mason swapped tongues and Jake kissed down to his nipples . Braxton came over to his father and pointed to the floor . Thomas smiled and knelt down . He caressed Braxton 's cock . Thomas moved his hands up and down on his son 's fat , long dick . " Don 't play with me or I 'll spank your ass purple . " Braxton said grabbing his father 's head and forcing his mouth onto his dick . Adam had put on a condom and was lubing his cock . He took Martin by the waist and put him over the chair . He spanked Martin 's butt several times , then put first one finger , then two up Martin 's anal passage . " It looks like your wife has been using her strap - on quite religiously . You 're more open than the last time I was here . " Adam guided his cock into Martin 's rectum and began to fuck him . Martin moved his ass . Adam was so good . He was almost as good as Claudia . Claudia 's punishment was over . Catherine ordered her to go between Tara 's legs and eat at Tara 's shrine until Tara was satisfied . Catherine herself was indulging in the tasty pussy of Daniela while she had already come in Sylvia 's mouth . Hayley was enjoying Daniela 's sucking on her pussy . She had missed Daniela 's talented mouth while Carmen was savoring Sylvia 's pussy and ass ; licking from top to bottom . Daniela had cum once already and was a bit tired . Lady Catherine realized this and stopped tonguing her . Hayley was still in heat as she climbed off Daniela . Lady Catherine got her strap on and while Daniela was watching Mason , Catherine fucked Hayley . Mason wanted Jake to fuck him . He started to beg for Jake 's cock in his ass . He pleaded , he cried . They obliged him by taking him down and onto the bed . He was strapped in , his anal passage lubed . Jake put on the condom and slowly slid in Mason 's ass , " Shove it in ! I want it all . Take me with your big black dick , fuck me . " Mason yelled . Gerard entered the room . He stripped out of his robe and took Mason 's cock in his mouth . Mason fucked deep into Gerard 's mouth . The man that had taken care of him and that he loved almost as a father . Gerard worshipped Mason 's prick . He loved Mason as a son and sucked his cock with love and care . When Mason came in his mouth , he swallowed him down gratefully . Softly he kissed Mason 's mouth , put on his robe and left . Jake watching all of this grabbed Mason 's hips and shoved all the way in . Mason yelled in pain , but pushed back . Adam pushed Thomas onto the bed . He told Martin to go fuck his father - in - law , and then Carlton . Adam went behind Carlton and began fucking him . Braxton stroked his hard cock . He put on a condom and grabbing Adam 's hips he fucked into him . They all watched Jake and Mason . Daniela watched the fuckathon amongst the men . It made her very horny again . Licking her lips , she stared at Tara . Tara stared at her . She pointed to Tara who crawled on to the bed . Tara looked at Lady Catherine who gave her permission . Tara and Daniela got into a 69 with Daniela on top . Claudia was ordered to get behind them and suck Daniela 's ass . Claudia was enraged , but did as she was told . She was in heat and hadn 't been satisfied all day . Daniela came quickly and brought Tara to orgasm just as quick . Tara came screaming , " Oh Shit girl , you can eat my pussy any day . " She said as she clawed the sheets . Everyone had cum except for Thomas . Father and son got in a sixty - nine position and Mason sucked his father 's cock deep in his mouth . Mason gobbled his father pricked , he sucked down Thomas ' cock as if it were the finest piece of meat . Mason licked and sucked as everyone else watched him . As if she had been struck by lightning as she watched Mason explode into his father 's mouth , Daniela found her climax and practically lifted off the bed , her belly lifting into the air . Mason stared into the camera . It was as if he were looking at her . After eating and drinking , Lady Catherine called for Gerard . He came into the room and lifted Daniela who had been put back in her robe and took her out to the elevator and up to her room . He placed her in her bed and she fell fast asleep . Mason was tired . He ate and drank . " I think I 'll have a tray brought up for dinner . I 'm too tired to come down . " Daniela slept the rest of the night . Tomorrow she would be with Lord Thomas and Jake . The rest of the men would be in town , Hayley would be meeting with the dressmaker , while the women would be with Mason . None of the men really minded because on the last day they would get all the pussy they wanted . Mason fell asleep . He was awakened by his brother Braxton sucking his cock , as Jake stood by the bed stroking his . Mason smiled and reached out for Jake . Jake got on the bed and over Mason 's handsome face . He fucked in Mason 's mouth and Mason sucked him . Mason took Jake 's cock from his mouth and said , " Thank you for Daniela . You were right ; I could suck you all night long . " After dinner , Mason spent time alone . He thought about this entire day . He never would have believed it . He never would have thought it was possible . He was totally and absolutely astounded by his and everyone else 's behavior . Mason had enjoyed all of it . He knew it was the formula . He knew that he shouldn 't want it , but he wanted it . Mason 's thoughts went to his mother . He thought about her creamy thighs , those thighs that had given birth to him . Tomorrow he would be between them and he found that he couldn 't wait . Mason got into bed . His dick was hard again and he thought about Daniela . He stroked his cock as he thought of spanking her ass and turning it bright pink . He thought of how Daniela sucking his cock , the twirling thing she did with her mouth . He thought of her burgeoning belly and how he couldn 't wait to sink his cock inside her again . He thought of Daniela as his cum spurted into his hand and he passed out and asleep , his cum still dripping from his hand . Gerard came into the room and found Mason asleep . He cleaned his hand and tucked him into bed . He kissed Mason 's forehead and went back to his room . He went into Daniela 's room and saw she was asleep . He kissed her forehead and she stirred . " Sleep well Miss Daniela . " Gerard whispered , " Sleep well , I wish you all the happiness in the world . You are marrying the best of them . " The morning brought with it Daniela sleeping late into the morning . Today she would spend with Jake and her soon to be father - in - law . The babies were doing the dance in her stomach and Daniela went to shower to get them to calm down . When she came out a tray with her breakfast was waiting as was Lady Catherine and Hayley . " Good morning dear , I had chef bring up your breakfast . You really slept late . How are you feeling ? " Lady Catherine asked . She looked quite beautiful in a long blue dress . Daniela kissed Lady Catherine 's cheek and then Hayley 's . " I 'm fine . I slept like a log . The babies woke me . I believe they were starving . " Hayley watched her and said , " I will be leaving for London today . I 'm going to Alexander McQueen for the fitting for my wedding dress so I want you to rest . The women will be leaving at three to be with Mason . You 'll have dinner with Jake and Lord Thomas and spend the rest of the evening with them . We want you to take a walk , a nap and someone will awaken you about three to begin getting ready . Daniela thanked them , finished eating and went downstairs . Mason saw her and kissed her cheek . " How are you feeling ? " " I 'm fine . I slept like the dead . The babies woke me up . They were very hungry . How are you ? " Daniela asked stroking his face . " Yesterday was intense and I 'm sure today will be the same . I heard that you are resting until three . I 'm glad about that . " Mason said . " Your mother says that she 's staying away from you until the time comes . " Daniela told him . " You did . I 'm happy . I saw all the sex you were having with the guys and it was hot . " Daniela said kissing his cheek . Mason blushed . " Never in my life did I think I would suck a dick , but I wanted it more than I could breath . I know it 's the formula but Jake 's dick tasted so damn good . " Claudia was in a foul mood . Her mother had forbidden her to cum . When her husband came to bed that night she wanted him to eat her pussy , but Catherine had forbid it . She had also forbidden her from punishing her husband in any way . She watched Mason and Daniela and began to hate Daniela even more . Tara watched her . " Don 't you ever learn your lesson ? " " That 's exactly what I mean . " Tara said getting threateningly close , " You 've been riding my ass since I married your brother and I 've put up with it because I know that deep , very deep down inside you 're an insecure bitch . Why your husband married you is a mystery to me . He must be a serious masochist … " Tara started to continue , but Claudia , held up her hand . Samantha brought up the tray with Hayley 's breakfast . Hayley was fast asleep . Surreptitiously Sam moved the sheet covering her sister . Hayley was lying in bed with her nightgown bunched up past her hips revealing her unshaven pussy . Samantha wanted to touch . She licked her lips . She didn 't hear her father approaching . " Samantha . " He whispered , " Don 't get any ideas . " He squeezed his daughter 's butt . " You 'll get your taste of that juicy pussy tomorrow . Don 't be greedy . " Samantha turned to her father and squeezed his dick . Matthew moaned , " Behave . She will know the truth soon enough . " Matthew walked around Samantha and replaced the sheet covering up his daughter , but not before he stared at her naturally blond bush . " Make sure all of that goes . " " Hello my sweetheart . Happy birthday . " She said kissing Hayley 's cheek . Hayley blinked and opened her eyes ; she smiled up at her mother . " Something smells real good . " Hayley got up and walked over to the table in her room . There was breakfast for two . Her mother had eggs Benedict and orange juice . Hayley laughed again when she saw that Cook had written Happy 21st Birthday Hayley in chocolate around the plate . Hayley dug into her plate . It was a family ritual that on your birthday you ate breakfast alone with your mother . You got to make a wish with her and share a secret . Helen looked at her daughter . She was really beautiful , even with no makeup , just waking up . There was a knock at the door , Daniela ; the maid entered carrying a tray with Earl Gray tea , cream and two cups . She placed the tray on the table , " Happy Birthday Miss Hayley . " She said and Hayley grinned up at her . " Yes , my father and I will be here . " Daniela replied . " I have to return to the kitchen and help father with the preparations for the party . Wait until you see my dress . " Hayley stood and hugged her friend . She and Daniela had grown up together and played as children . They were very close . She was Frederick 's daughter and a year younger than Hayley . Daniela was in her last year of College . Hayley had graduated College at age 18 in an accelerated program and went straight to work in New York . Except for birthdays and holidays , she and Daniela had barely seen each other . Daniela was a beautiful half - Italian , half - Austrian girl with long light brown hair and hazel eyes . Her mother had worked for the family alongside her husband for twenty years until her death from cancer five years earlier . The Cassidy 's treated their servants like family and paid for the funeral . They also paid for Daniela 's education . On her 21st birthday Daniela would receive a trust that would take care of her and her father for the rest of their lives . In return , the Cassidy 's had their complete loyalty and dedication . Hayley thought for a moment , " I thought I knew what my birthday wish would be , but now I hope that Jake will ask me to marry him . " She said her eyes tearing up , " I love him so very much . He 's the best man I could ever have . " " Mother , I 've never seen a man 's cock . I 'm 21 and I 'd like to see what a man 's dick looks like . " Her hands flew to her mouth in embarrassment . Hayley couldn 't believe what she had just said . Helen took her daughter 's hand . " When this weekend is over , you will truly be a woman . I just want you to be obedient . Do everything that is asked of you without complaint . Tomorrow the ritual begins . Tomorrow the changes will begin to happen . As our youngest child , you inherit all of this . There are generous provisions for your brother and sisters , but you will get this house and be the matriarch of this family . This is your legacy . " You can refuse , but that would mean that you would have to leave the family and we would never see you again . It would also mean that Jake would be ruined . He signed the contract and is part of us , but if you leave , he will be destroyed . Your father will see to that . " Helen brushed a stray hair from Hayley 's face . She smiled and caressed Hayley 's face . " You won 't fail . You are my daughter . Just be obedient no matter what and don 't resist . Your father loves you , I love you , your sisters and your brother as well as the rest of the family loves you . Tomorrow it will be just the women with you for most of the day , then on the second day it will be your father and the men , then on the third day Jake will join us . All will be revealed and you will keep this secret forever . " Helen said and kissed Hayley 's cheek . " Then you have nothing to worry about . " Helen said stroking her face , " Go take a shower . I have laid out your clothes for the day . We are going on a little trip until this afternoon . You will get to see Jake for a little while at lunch then we will get you ready for the party . The make - up person and the hair stylist will be here after lunch . Daniela came back in to clear out the plates . Helen walked over to the young girl and grabbing her kissed her . Daniela melted into that kiss . " Are you ready for tomorrow ? " " Mistress I wanted you to taste me , but Master forbid it . I belong to Hayley just as my mother belonged to you , but have I not pleased you ? " Daniela asked . " Yes , but you know I cannot tell you . I will just say that she will get both in the next few days . " Helen said as she knelt . Daniela walked over to Matthew . She was a bit afraid of him . He took her in his arms and kissed her hard on the lips . He released her leaving the girl breathless . She went to lie down on the bed , but Matthew stopped her . He ordered her to put one foot on the bench by the bed . Her pussy was open and soaked with her juices that dripped down . Daniela licked her lips . Matthew laughed . " Go to it , just remember that she cannot lick your pussy - it belongs to Hayley and so does your virginity , which Hayley will take then me . You will carry my sperm in your belly and carry my baby . We will arrange a good marriage for you . You may finish your studies at school . I will provide you with a house and a companion to take care of you . " Matthew watched as Daniela ate Helen 's pussy . He watched as Helen played with her breasts . He watched as Helen looked into his eyes begging to cum and he shook his head . He watched . Matthew put his hands in his pants and played with his cock . Daniela was very good at this . She had been licking his wife 's pussy for a very long time and enjoying her . He would now get the chance to enjoy her . After some time he allowed his wife her release and she shoved the girl 's head into her pussy and yelled aloud , " you are the best Daniela . I will miss this . I hope my daughter will allow you to come to me . " Grabbing Daniela 's head even more tightly she stood up on her toes and yelled , " Yes , Yes , Yes , I 'm cummmmming . " As she came , Matthew walked up to his wife and grabbed her nipples squeezing them hard . He then grabbed Daniela and she knew what to do . She unbuttoned his pants and took his cock in her mouth . Jake awakened late . It was eleven and lunch would be served at 1 : 30 . He picked up the phone and called downstairs to arrange for a pot of coffee and a fruit salad . He didn 't want to eat heavy since he would be having lunch . After eating and dressing , Jake went downstairs . Hayley had just returned and was laden down with packages . He kissed her on the cheek and then on the lips . " Not really . I had a great deal on my mind . After the party , I want to talk to you . Please before the ritual begins tomorrow . " Jake said seriously . Helen came into the foyer from outside and saw Jake talking to Hayley . " Jake , why don 't you go into the dining room , while I take Hayley upstairs to put her things away . We will be right down . " Helen says taking Hayley 's arm and leading her up the staircase . Exasperated Jake went into the dining room where he found the rest of the family gathered for lunch . Denise greeted him and patted the empty seat next to her . Jake sat down next to her and Denise smiled at him . Jake did not return her smile . " Nothing , just a lot on my mind . " He answered . Turning , he looked to see Helen holding Hayley 's hand and laughing with her daughter . Denise looked up , " Oh that 's Daniela . She and Hayley grew up together . Frederick is her father . Her mother used to work here until she died a few years back . She 's practically a member of our family . " " You 're welcome . But please , let 's not speak of it again . It 's done and tonight is Hayley 's night . " Quinn said and glanced to see her husband watching her . Quinn looked at Jonah again and this time Jake 's eyes followed . Jonah grinned at Jake and shook his head at Quinn who looked down at her hands . " Jake I am not supposed to talk to you about this . You just have to allow it to play out . " Matthew was speaking again . " I want everyone to look their best tonight for the party . There will be about three hundred guests and we will all have a good time . Tomorrow morning the ritual begins and the house will be sealed . No one will be leaving for the next three days , so whatever you have to do , do it today . Frederick , Daniela , Max and Cook will be the only servants working in the house , the rest of the staff have been given the next three days off . " Helen spoke next , " The hairstylists and the make - up artists will be here ladies so all your needs will be well met . Hayley , you will have a massage after lunch . The masseuse will be in your room in an hour . I want you relaxed and ready for your long night ahead . " Jake managed a smile . Matthew gave Jake a look and knew that Jake was up to something . Nothing was going to ruin the next three days , not Jake not anyone else Matthew had everything under control . After lunch and before she left , Hayley went to Jake . Taking his hand , she led him outside to the balcony . " I promise that we will talk tonight after the party . I love you Jake . " Helen came outside to the balcony to retrieve Hayley while Matthew joined Jake . " Jake , don 't forget the ring . We arranged everything for your proposal per your instructions . After that , the next three days should bring you into the family . As soon as possible , I 'd like the two of you to set a date so we can begin preparations for the wedding . I know that Helen would like to have it here , but there is also the family church where she and I were married if you 'd like . " Distractedly Jake answered him , " I 'll talk to Hayley about that . Whatever she wants to do is fine with me . I just want my family to be here . " " No , but once Hayley takes charge of the family , she will have to decide where she wants to live . I think our house in Greenwich would do . The land and the house are as large as this one . It 's up to her and you . When I was younger , my family lived in Los Angeles . I hated living in LA so I bought this place . There are some specifications in the contract and the law firm of Cassidy , Makenfield and Benchly will help you . " " No , he deals with that with his own family as does my other brother , Dent and my sister , Maxine . Each family follows the ritual with their children . We are not heathens . We don 't all have sex with each other . Well " Matthew chuckled , " not after we have children of our own . " Before he had a chance to answer , Matthew said , " I 'll make sure that you have a copy by the time you return home . You need to memorize it and know it , but Blake will be keeping an eye on you so that you don 't make any major mistakes . You can call him anytime if you have questions . Matthew came very close to Jake . He grabbed him through his pants by his dick , " Remember this is to be kept a secret . I don 't want to have to punish you . Well I do , but not severely . You have signed . You will propose to Hayley tonight and you will do as I wish . You wouldn 't want anything to happen to your mother , your brother or your sister would you now ? " Jake winced and stepped back . Matthew laughed . " You have a nice piece of meat . I can 't wait to see it . " He said and turning he walked off the balcony and back into the dining room . Jake was angry . He felt humiliated . He ran up the stairs and back to his room . " How the fuck has this happened ? " He paced back and forth venting . Picking up his cell phone , he started to dial . Who am I calling ? Who can I talk to ? No one . He was truly upset . Jake sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands . Could he go through with this ? Could he accept this life ? Jake fell asleep . He didn 't hear Quinn walk into the room until she touched his arm . He woke with a jerk . " Shush . " She said putting her finger to her lips . " I shouldn 't be in here and if I get caught speaking to you again until after the ritual , I 'm going to be punished . I know you 're having a hard time . I had a hard time . I screamed and yelled . I wanted to talk to someone but I couldn 't . I wanted to run away , but I couldn 't . I hated Jonah , but it wasn 't his fault , he didn 't know and it 's not Hayley 's fault , she doesn 't know and won 't know until it 's too late . Once you agreed you were in , so the sooner you accept it the better . " " Part of it is selfish , I need an ally here . The other part is that you need a friend and I want to be your friend . This secret is hard to keep and you have to keep it for the rest of your life . " Quinn said . " I 'd like to know that we can talk about it . " |
There was once I visited an orphan institute . I bought a bag of peanuts candy . When I entered the orphan apartment , I gave each of the kids a present . They were very happy and nuts with my candy . Humm . . . Yummy ! They shouted and ate the candy . They whispered in smb 's ears to each other that I was a peach . I felt very pleasure and joyous . I stayed there for a half day . We were in a group to play together . Suddently , there was a boy played pranks to one of the other girl . I went bananas at that time and I yell at him . Then , we continued to play . Accidentally , I had heard the boy whispered by himself " She was not a peach . " " It was baloney . " Somtimes , to control myself is not a piece of cake . The annual Berkeley Kite Festival held up in the Cesar E Chavez Park yesterday . My two friends , my wife , my elder son and I went to the park at noon time . The sky was cloudy , but we could see more children and their parents had been there . Many giant kites floated and swung their tails in the sky . When the show and competitions started , the blue sky appeared gradually . I found that people became more and more . Most of people were all the whole family . And I found that many disabled persons showed up even more . In that time , more variety of colorful kites flied full of sky . ' Candy Drop ' caused children and people cheering . It made me felt this active event could give all people happiness , no matter child or elder , healthy or disabled . We enjoyed this event yesterday . Ellen is almost as funny as Richard . We have ever hope to have a substitute teacher like Richard Blum . Everytime Ellen comes into our class to be our substitute teacher . The class is so exciting . We conflict each other . Everybody is very active and in a happy atmosphere . Ellen is our top banana , so we respect her a lot . Whenever she tells us to stop talking , everyone stop right after that . Ellen acts as she is very busy with her mouth , he ears and her gestures . She has to control many students in the class . Ellen is a good and devoted teacher . When she substitutes Richard I feel as if she were real Richard in the class room . Today is the first day we start to work with a subtitute teacher . Everyone in the class is very happy and excited to the new teacher . Now everyone in class almost speak English . So , today the subtitute teacher only made one penny in the jar . it 's very good because money is newcomer 's blood and tear . So that we have to be very careful and control oneself . We have to obey what our teacher requirement . I thought speaking English in the class is " Rule of thumb . " Our teacher has made " The big mouth jar " about several months already . We almost had used to speak English in the class now . I think nobody wants to spend that money anymore . I left early today so , I asked Peter to give me the grammar sheet . He gave me right away both of the grammar sheets . He is indeed very nice teacher . My hope has come true now . It was Friday July 21 , 2006 after school . I took a free Bart trip from Oakland Lake Merritt Bart Station to San Francisco International Airport with my friends . The Bart train went through 14 Bart Stations and then arrived at San Francisco International Airport . This was my first time that I took a Bart to San Francisco International Airport . It was very convenient for people to go there . We walked and looked around the Airport for about twenty minuets . After that , we went back to San Francisco . We got off on Powell Street . Next , we transited the bus to Japan town . It was beautiful there , but we didn 't take any pictures because we forgot to bring a camera . We bought something in Japan town . Afterward , we took a bus to Chinatown to buy some Chinese foods . We spent about five hours on the trip . Finally , we return to Oakland at about 5 : 30 pm . We were happy on that day . If I go to China next time , I will know how to take a Bart to San Francisco International Airport . Some people believe the world no longer has any heroes . I don 't agree of that . The world we live in is very large , but the environment that surrounds us is very bad . Do we have any heroes around us ? Yes , we have . A hero exists mentally . At different ages , each person has different definition for hero . For instance , when I was a kid , I thought Jacky Chan was a hero , for he is very good at Kungfu . Now , a hero in my heart is a person who is a police officer , a doctor , and everybody who do good for us , even is a small matter . When you worship other people , perhaps other people are worshipping you . In your eyes other people are heroes , but in other people 's eyes you are really a hero . What is a hero ? When you are almost starving , who even gives you a cup of soup could be a hero . When you sail on the sea , who sparks the lighthouse when you have lost bearing could be a hero . When you are at a disadvantage , who even helps you tide over a difficult period could be a hero . I heard an old soldier who told me , everybody afraid to go to battlefield , because who would live to throw the life . But I am not fear when the battle once begins , and can 't attend to fearful . That is a true hero . On the whole , anybody who helps other people is a hero . Despite whatever you do great or small things for people . So , everybody can become a hero if you help other people with heartfelt way . Thus we can be heroes to each other if we have with our hearts . Today is the last day to see our teacher because he is going to take a long vacation to Denmark . Although ocean 's apart , but we will be right here waiting . . . . . . . . . and waiting for him because he is number 1 teacher . We are going to be here with another teacher next week . We don 't know yet who is going to substitute our teacher . We hope he ( or she ) will be an interesting teacher like Mr . Blum , but we hope he won 't be a tyranny like Richard . Next week , we are going to be freedom . We can talk our languages when we don 't understand each other . I think the substitute teacher will be nice to us and won 't tell us put the money in the jar . We actually don 't know what to say is better than the words " Have a good trip " and " Have fun " to our teacher . Our teacher is going to live it up overseas . For sure , he will enjoy and relax much over there . We hope he won 't forget the waiting of all of us right here ! This story happened in Chen Du , Sri Chuan , China . Xiao Qin was fifteen years old . She completed middle school . After that , she spent three years writing her story . The story was about her mother 's " tears of blood " life . The story was four hundred thousand words long . The title is " Went ThroughWind and Rain , Haven 't Seen Rainbow " Xiao Qin wanted to sell the rights to the book . She wanted to use the money to pay for her studies in high school and at the university . Xiao Qin and her mother stood on a crowded street and held up a sign . The sign said , " Hot and bitter story . " She talked to many publishers , but no publisher would buy her story . She went home disappointed . In her story , Xiao Quin wrote that when she was seven years old she had a happy family . Her father planted lotus root for a living . He had saved a lot of money and they had a happy life , but her father enjoyed gambling . He lost his money and he left the family for another woman . Xiao Qin 's mother , who also took care of her uncle and his daughter , had to leave the family to go find work . When Xiao Qin 's mother arrived in Shen Zhen , she was tricked and sold to a song and dancehall for 5 , 000 yuan . Eventually , the police rescued her from the dancehall and sent her back to her family in Cheng Du . For a living , her mother worked as a dance hostess . She made friends with a bad man but he treated her very badly . Xiao Qin didn 't know what to do . She had come to the end of her patience . Fortunately , she met an unemployed worker . They were married . This ended more than ten years of suffering . From then on , Xiao Qin , her mother and her stepfather lived ordinary happy lives . submitted by Mei Fang I think humor is xxx . It is necessary for everybody . It relaxes our tiredness and relieves our stress . Do you agree ? Life can be ridiculous . I like it when something crazy happens . I like it when people or situations make me laugh and I like to share my laughter with people . Previously , I didn 't think I needed to collect amusing stories , but now , suddenly , I think I should collect them and write them down in my essays because I want to share my humor with all of you . I want you guys to share a smile with me . I hope you guys collect interesting storiesand spend a little time to share them me on the blog . Make me laugh , because laughter is good medicine for everyone . I think humor has to a part of everyday life so we don 't feel bored while we are working or studying . Humor is a heath food . It helps us to look younger and have more love of life . On June 14th , there was a " promotion ceremony " at my daughter 's school . She had to go there an hour before because she was salutatorian . She had been chosen to give a speech at the ceremony . After an hour my husband and I attended the ceremony . Outside the school , people were selling many things for the graduates like garland wreaths , bears , and balloons . My husband told me to buy a gift for my daughter . I bought a bird for her and we went into the ceremony room . As I entered , I saw my daughter sitting on the stage with some teachers and students . The ceremony started . People stood up to sing the national anthem . First , the principal came up and welcomed all of the parents and guardians . Next , the guest speaker talked about the students ' study process . He talked about the students ' goals for the future . Then , several students came up to read their essays . Finally , the students who were being promoted were awarded certificates . After the promotion ceremony finished , we went out to the stadium . We took some pictures and then we went home . A few days later , my husband went to Costco . He bought an Ipod for his daughter . She felt very happy and enjoyed the Ipod more than the bird I gave to her . But she never forgets to listen to the bird 's song every night when she goes into her room to sleep . There are a lot of ants in the kitchen . The refrigerator doesn 't stay cold . The bathroom ceiling is leaking . The roof is leaking . It needs to be repaired immediately . There is a big crack in the wall near the living room window . The window in my bedroom is broken . There is a big wasp nest the gutter on the south side of the house . The bathroom sink is clogged . The toilet is clogged . It overflows when I flush it . The front door is sticky . I think the hinge is broken . The smoke detector doesn 't work . The dining room light is not working . The water heater doesn 't work . We don 't have hot water . There are termites in my bedroom wall . I don 't have lights in the living room and bedroom . I think there is an electrical problem . The fan in the living room doesn 't work . I smell smoke when I try to turn it on . The carpet in the living room is torn . The hot water faucet in the bathroom is broken . I can 't turn it off . The garage door will not open . I get a shock when I try to plug something into the electrical outlet in the kitchen . The paint in the kitchen is peeling and I am afraid that there may be lead in it . I smell gas when I turn on the stove . I think the tree in the front yard is going to fall . The wind knocked down the side fence . The upstairs neighbors make too much noise . I think " home " means the place people live in . A home has a bedroom , a living room , a kitchen , a bathroom and a dining room . Homes are good for people to relax in . When people finish working , then they go home to rest and relax . Home is important for everybody . Everybody hopes to own a beautiful cozy home . My home is in a city . I live on the second floor of a two - story house . It is about eighty years old . The house is on Foothill Boulevard near Seventh Avenue in Oakland . There is a studio downstairs . My house is next to a parking lot . The neighbors are friendly . The neighborhood is very good , but the street is very noisy . My house is near the New Chinatown and Albertson 's Supermarket . It is convenient for me to buy things there . In my house , there are two living rooms , two bedrooms , one dining room and one bathroom . My house also has a kitchen . The front door opens to the living room . There are many windows in my house . I can look outside through a big window . I can see many things : cars , buses , trucks , trees , and people . In the living room , there are some books , a television , a radio , pictures , a telephone , a coffee table and two sofas . This is my favorite part of my house . I live with my husband and my son . My husband goes to work every day . My son and I go to school . I like my house very much . Why am I taking an English class at school ? I am taking the English class at school because I need to learn more English in order to get a good job and talk with Americans . Sometimes I receive letters written in English and sometimes I have to write in English . I am taking this English class so that I can improve my skills . I must learn more vocabulary . It is very important for me to know more English words . Yesterday afternoon , I went to a supermarket . As I walked towards the supermarket , I saw a lady who had just gotten out of her car . She walked by me . Suddenly , she stopped walking and squatted down to pull out a bamboo toothpick from the gap of her left sandal and left foot . She was lucky that the toothpick did not stick into her foot . I find that many people like to wear a pair of sandals when they are driving or walking around . They just think that sandals make them feel cool . Sandals are convenient and comfortable , but in fact , sandals do not protect their feet . Especially , when driving a car , wearing a pair of sandals can be dangerous if a person needs to stop quickly . You can image what could happen . I hope people who like to wear sandals when driving or walking around outside understand the danger . Posted by On Thursday our teacher was absent , so , Miss Ellen was our substitute teacher . At the end of the class , I asked Ellen to explain the meaning of this sentence , " I 'm too old to know everything . " She wasn 't quite sure that she understood my question . The next morning , I drove my car to school . While I was parking my car , ( it was across street from the parking lot of our school ) Ellen saw me and she crossed the street to greet me . She said , " Oh , now I understand the sentence that you asked me yesterday . " Then , she explained the meaning of that sentence to me clearly . There were some words I didn 't understand so she tried to explain it to me another way . She is the most enthusiastic teacher that I have ever seen . Ellen has taught me only two times when my teacher was absent , but I feel as if she is full of enthusiasm for her students . We both were in a hurry , so I forgot to say " Thank you " to her the help she had given me . If anyone sees Ellen , please help me to say " Thank you very much ! " Posted by One day , My friend traveled to Boston . Before he went to Bonston . He found some imformation about Bonston . So he got off airplan and rented a car . This car has a road map inside . He only needs to enter address in the road map , Then the machine will let him find that address . That makes sense to him . He successfully traveled through sevarel famous places until night . He felt tired . He wanted to find an inn to sleep . He entered the inn 's address . Then he followed the road map directions to drive . After one hour , He arrived at a place . He got out of the car and looked around . Suddenly , He got a shock . It wasn 't an inn . It was a cemetery . I remember when my son was in the third grade . His teacher took a vacation to France . After the vacation , his teacher came back to the class . He gave each of his students a gift . It was a little model of the famous Eiffel Tower . It was made of steel . It looked cute . When my son came home , he was very happy and took the little Eiffel out from his pocket . He said , " Mom , Mr . Nguyen gave each of his students a little gift . " My son 's teacher loved his students very much . While he was on vacation , he always thought of gifts to give to his students . He made the students very happy with the presents which he brought from France . He was a generous teacher . Our teacher is going to Holland next week . Well . . . . I hope our teacher will have some little gifts for us after his long vacation . Last Saturday I visited Angel Island with my teacher and classmates in English Center of International Women ( ECIW ) . This was my first trip without my family since I came to the United States . This island has a beautiful name , I think . We planned to visit the immigration station . It is also the main reason I decided to go there . As a Chinese immigrant , I believe we have the responsibility to know how our ancestors came to this country many years ago . We need to know our history in this land . Luckily , the weather on Saturday was wonderful - no more clouds . The sun was shining . At 9 : 00 in the morning , we took the Oakland - Alameda Ferry from the Jack London Square dock in Oakland . The ferry stopped at Oakland , at Alameda , crossed under the Oakland - SF Bay Bridge , and passed by Treasure Island . I had never crossed under the Bay Bridge and it looked very great . This was the first time I looked at San Francisco city from on board a boat . The entire city looked very cool , just like a bright pearl inlay at the mouth of San Francisco Bay . We changed ferries at Pier 41 near Fisherman 's Wharf . After that the ferry went straight to Angel Island . On the way to Angel Island we passed a small island called Alcatraz . Many years ago there was a jail on that island . There is a tall beacon on that island . Because the weather was good , we could see the Golden Gate Bridge clearly . This was the closest distance between me and the bridge . Like the Tokyo Iron Tower and the Bright Pearl of the East TV Tower in Shanghai , red structures always makes me very excited . We arrived at the dock at Ayala Cove on Angel Island . Unfortunately , the Immigration Station Building was unavailable because the building was too old . It was being renovated and will open next spring , however , that didn 't depress us . We enjoyed our delicious lunch on the big lawn in front of the Visitor Center . After lunch we visited the Visitor Center and looked at many photos and data about Angel Island history . After we finished that , we started to walk around this islanPosted by On July 1st the Qing Zang railroad began service from Golmud to Lhasa . People in both cities celebrated the opening . They were very excited . This is the highest above sea level railroad in the world . For years people dreamed of building a transportation link between the two cities . Now it is real . This railroad is 3 , 500 meters above sea level and 1 , 124 kilometers long . The scientists , engineers and workers that built this railroad encountered and overcame many problems . For example , for 550 kilometers the railroad bed is built on frozen earth called permafrost . To protect the permafrost they had to build a special bed that absorbed heat in the winter and radiated heat in the summer . In another area they built viaduct bridges to allow the antelope to safely cross from one side of the tracks to the other . On July 1st , on television , I watched the first train leave Golmud . There was a celebration . People were singing and dancing . They were very happy . I hope my classmates and teacher have the opportunity to travel across Xi Zang on this train . Mei Fang Posted by Last Sunday , we went to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco . We arrived at Golden Gate Park after about 30 minutes driving . In San Francisco the weather was a little colder than in Oakland . We saw some people BBQing in Golden Gate Park when we walked around the park . It seemed that they enjoyed their BBQ . People were laughing and cheering . Children were laughing and playing games . We visited a museum , the Japanese Garden and the Rose Garden . There was a big golf course there also . I think the most interesting place was the plant house . In front of this white building there were many kinds of beautiful flowers . It attracted us to go inside . I felt I was in a small forest when we went into the plant house . There were many kinds of tall trees in the room . We walked into another room . There were other kinds of plants there . Some butterflies were flying around the room . I was surprised to see big lotus pond at the center of the room . Beside the lotus pond there was a mini waterfall . That mini waterfall looked like a mirror . It looked like glass . I have never seen such a beautiful place since I move to the United States . Hello . II had gone to eat some dessert at Dessert Forest shop with my senior and my junior in 24th June . Then , we went to the place called " Italian Village " on the same day . This place is not a village in reality . It just was designed in Italian architecture . Here , many people come to be overwhelmed by Italian atmosphere . This place is not so large . It has some shops and little restaurants in Italian fashions , and they sell variety of Italian articles . Each of us had paid 1 , 000 yen for the entrance fee . Anyway , we can use our tickets as vouchers in Italian Village . Sometimes it has appearances or music played by Italian . Another , there are some long boats low on artificial small river by Italian employees . Visitors can take them and enjoy going around Italian Village slowly . It has a carriage and pair too . We enjoyed here until it was night . We had pasta and pizza for dinner in an atmosphere of night Italian town . It looks more beautiful than at noon by the light from a large number of lamps . Having an air of romance , now Italian Village has completely been the popular place for a date . See you . Nontachai I have a friend . His name is KV . I have known him since 2005 . In 1995 he came to America with his parents . He studied at West Lake Junior High School before entering Oakland High School . He walked to school every day . His father worked hard , and his mom was a diabetic . He loved them so he tried to study very dillegently . After completed his university studies he reflected on his past . He told me that if we wanted to succeed , we must work hard . So I tell myself that if I want to be good at English , I have to study hard . Now we are married . We are companions . We share our lives and our emotions together . He is my best friend . If I were Jim Abbott I would ask to give a speech to children with disabilities such as : we have to live above public opinions . We have to put away our complex . We have to put ourselves in normal people . We have to look forward to the challenge and chase for our dream . We try our best to realize our goals if we couldn 't reach it , it could be fine . We can be American Idol . Like me , I have been missing one hand , but I nourished one 's ambition when I was a child . I hope I going to be a pitcher in the future . So , I tried my best to practice playing catch by myself . That 's a great challenge for me . After beating the best of Roger Clements . People had no doubt about me and they stopped thinking about my missing hand . Finally , people only saw my talent and forgot about my disability . You see ! Hello : I am very happy to arrive this new class . This term will be the last term I attend in this adult school because I will have class in communicate college this August . I have studied in this school almost for 10 months . I learnt many things about this country , also I met many good teacher and some new friends in this school . I am very happy I spent this time in this school . Now I have a new handsome and interesting teacher and many new classmates who like English very much . I believe I will have a good time in this class . If I were Jim Abbott and I was asked to give a speech to disabled children , I would tell them : " We are all mankind and nobody is perfect . Each person has their own disabilities , visible or invisible , just like us . We have a visible limitations , no person is without limitations . So , we can do everything the others can . Dream about whatever you want to be and never give up ! You can do it and with your efforts , you can do it better than many normal people . Look at me . I want to prove that a man without a right hand could be the best pitcher . And I did it ! " There once was an old man . He went to school everyday . He took two classes . He worked hard and reviewed lessons every night . He had been going to school for ages . Although he had studied very diligently , he often couldn 't remember even simple words . So , one day , the teacher asked him , " Why do you forget all the easy words , lately ? " Then , old man replied , " Learn more , forget more , " and he asked the teacher to let him take a short vacation . The old man wanted to review the lessons during the break , but he couldn 't remember anything at all . Finally , he whispered , " Learn more , forget more . Don 't learn , don 't forget . . . " He repeated these words a few times . The old man decided to give up his studies . Hello . In 24th June , I went to the dessert shop named " Dessert Forest " with my senior and my junior . This shop is in one department store near Nagoya Dome . It has an atmosphere of deep forest in the tale . In there , it has some little huts or houses that sell us cake , ice - cream , beverage and other dessert . This shop looks larger than its own size , because the ways inside is rather complex like forest . After we found our seats we went to take some dessert we want to eat , pay money at the cashier ( we can order drinks here ) , came back to seats and started to have them deliciously . When we finished having , we went around in department store , take some sticker pictures , and then go to another place . I will tell you where I had gone next time . See you . Nontachai Posted by Every year , my family and I usually go to Jack London Square to see fireworks . Many people make a rush to go to Jack London Square to see fireworks because it is a beautiful harbor which people ussually concentrate there to see fireworks for years . Like me , I don 't like to wait too long for seeing fireworks . So , my family and I often go there an hour before it starts fireworks . I can 't believe that it is crowded year after year . We drive and park our car somewhere . Then , we walk a long distance to there . Oh ! There are a lot of people are walking with us . So , we don 't feel it take us long . When we go to the point of the harbor . All seats are full and the people are standing there are very crowded . I heard they said , they came there to play for a whole day long and took seats beacause they live far . Some travelers are from other states . They want to stay at the hotels which close to the harbor . They want to enyoy fireworks on July 4th . At 9 p . m fireworks are starting . People look toward to seeing where it has fireworks . Sometimes , fireworks come up very beautiful . It makes people are excited and scream when they see happy faces or some fantastic of fireworks . It continue on and on . The fireworks are bright with colorful . Before end of the time . People are more excited because fireworks come up quick and are wonderful . People enjoy fireworks until it is end . Anyway , the fireworks on July 4th are great . People are happy and enjoy fireworks very much . My class ended at June 23 , after 23 I have a long break form school . at the beginning I felt very happy about that . but now I feel bored about the summer break , I did nothing at home . I miss my classmate , my teacher , and all the laugh in my room 101 . Before the last day . We went to Redwood park for BBQ , we enjoy all the delicious food at the natural circumstance . Some students played foot ball , some students helped teacher made fruit juice , and washed salad . we had a really great time before the class ended . This July 5 is the first day of summer semester . i will see all my classmate on this Wednwsday . i really happy to see all of you and my teacher again . But all my dear classmate don 't forget carry your gun to school . We will have a fight with Richard . July 4 is a independence day , do all of you have a party ? Does this picture look good ? I took it by self Yesterday , I received a letter from the school telling that I 'm going to room 101 class this summer . I 'm very happy to work with all my classmates and the teacher again . They all give me a special relationship as they saw me at Red Wood park . Classmates were very glad and wanted me to stay in group with them . They said : " Everybody misses and asks you . " They made me feel touched . This summer , I try to be an other student . I won 't make joke in class . I won 't make our teacher angry anymore . Because when he gets angry , his face turns red and his hair loses . Oh , no . His hair has gone ! I 'm sorry about that . I try to keep our teacher smiles all the time Because when he is happy , he looks younger and healthier . So , he can bring us go field trip next year . |
Every morning as I lie in bed and hear my three - year - old son begin to rustle in his bed , I vow that today , I will get down on my hands and knees and play with him . Soon , he 'll be going to school , making friends and playing soccer and video games , and at that point , he won 't want to play with me . And then I 'll miss him and feel regret . So when he says , " Mommy , will you play with me ? " I vow to say , " Yes , " and grab one of his trucks or Thomas the Tank Engine and drive it around his ringed track saying " Chuggah , chuggah , choo choo . I 'm a useful engine ! " And yet every afternoon , as my son drives his cars on the floor right next to me or runs his trains around the track , I not only fail to make good on my vow , I 'm barely in the room . Instead , I keep checking my email , thinking about stories I want to pitch , essays I want to write and sometimes taking notes for my parenting blog on raising a toddler - except I spend more time writing about raising him than actually raising him . " Mommy , who are you talking to ? " my son says , as I whisper into my tape recorder to remind myself how when he had his hands covering his eyes yesterday at the playground , I thought he was crying when it turns out he was only playing hide - and - seek . I know I should savor this time with my son , like a peppermint , but I can 't help myself . If I 've experienced something noteworthy , I want to write about it . And so I walk that tightrope all writers must walk : to live in the moment in order to experience life or to come out of the moment in order to write about it . So when my son does something funny or interesting or smart , my default reflex is to reach for my pen instead of my son . Sometimes I can 't write it down fast enough , so I scribble on my hand , the back of coupons , inside book jackets - sometimes even library books - or I 'll grab my iPhone and type a note or record a phrase . But when it 's time to turn these experiences , notes and recordings into prose , I fall asleep , and all those pearls of wisdom just fade away like penning a great poem and then leaving it out in the rain . And then the next day comes , when I hear my son rustling , I vow to play with him , and then spend half the day taking notes on what it 's like to half play with him , and the cycle begins anew . I 'm not just distracted from playing with him because I 'm a writer . I 'm distracted because I 'm struggling with the fact that I 'm no longer working full time . I had my son at 47 so I 've spent the last three decades building a career as a journalist , but since I had him , I 've cut my workload and my paycheck by a third - not to mention the fact that his needs and moods and demands and incessant chatter has destroyed my ability to focus . Stories take five times longer to write , naptime dictates when I can schedule interviews . Worse , I now have severe mommy - brain and can no longer hold a thought for more than a minute . The instant my son interrupts me , which happens all day long , my focus runs off the track like a Thomas train . There 's a lot of talk about this social dynamic : couple has child , man keeps career , woman watches hers unravel , at least until the child goes to school . First , there were books and articles about how women can have it all : motherhood and a career . Then everyone admitted women really can 't have it all . And there are cries of sexism and how something has to change . I agree it 's sexist , but at the same time , I 'm a beneficiary . I 'm glad it 's acceptable for me to put half my career on hold while I spend time with my son in his formative years . My husband could have said he wanted to stay home while I continued to work full time , but he didn 't , and it 's not just because he earns twice what I do and his workplace is less flexible . It 's because underneath it all , despite our liberal beliefs and cosmopolitan sensibilities , like old wallpaper you might find underneath plaster , we still believed boys go to work and girls stay home . And I feel lucky for that . I get to be with my son in these delicious but fleeting formative years . If I could only stop working long enough to enjoy it . This morning , when I went into my son 's room , I said , " I want to play with you . " My son looked surprised but broke out into a big wide smile and hugged me . His response warmed me so deeply , I thought , " This is it . This is what it 's all about . It 's not about awards or accolades or money . It 's about this . Loving and being loved . Wanting and being wanted . " The experience was so moving , I grabbed a notebook to jot it all down . May 1 , 2017 by scaby We recently took a two - day train ride from Chicago to Seattle , passing through Glacier National Park , which is part of the reason we took the trip . At 53 , I 'd never seen a national park . My son is six . I wanted to get him started earlier . On the train , I met Carol , a woman who has been working for Amtrak for 17 years . For the last several , she 's been working behind the counter of the snack bar , which has everything from sandwiches and hot dogs to candy and beer . Every time she went on break , which she would make an announcement over the loudspeaker telling everyone that the snack bar would be closed for an hour while she was on her lunch break , and then her dinner break , and then her post dinner break . The passage of time on our two - day train journey was marked by Carol 's intermittent meal breaks . Talking to train employees , I notice that most were either from Chicago or Seattle , which makes sense , given the train 's route . Carol was from Chicago . All the people working the back of the train are from Chicago , she says , as if I should have known that . The employees who come from Seattle work in the front of the train , from the dining car upward , she says . I ask her why . She didn 't know . Maybe because the train is from Seattle , and there aren 't enough people from Seattle to work the train , so they use people from Chicago , she said . I nod my head , even though what she 's saying doesn 't make any sense . " Weird ? I 've had plenty of weird stuff , but I 'm not going to talk to you about that , " she says and pauses . " But I 'll tell you something scary . " There was a mother and daughter sitting in the lounge upstairs , she said . She 'd seen them up there . When she was done with her shift , she went up the stairs , and at the top step was the daughter , who grabbed Carol 's hand . ' Help me ! My mother can 't breathe , ' the girl said . Carol looked over at the mother , who was already turning blue . She says there was a passenger a few years ago who kept coming back for more drinks and was becoming more and more inebriated . Soon , he got into an argument with one of her co - workers , Larry , and the two got into a scuffle down by the doorway of the train as it pulled out of a station , she said . Suddenly , the man opened a window and jumped out , rolling down the hill that runs alongside the tracks . " He 's lucky the train wasn 't going faster . He would have been a goner , " Carol says . " The suction would have pulled him under the train . " Every time we hit a town , I 'd take a lot of photographs because I was finding that the dramatic landscape I hoped to see was there - but at 60 miles an hour . While the sightseeing was good , my photographs were not . So every time the train would stop , I would rush down to the door to peek my head out and snap a few photos , of the town 's gas station , the local church , the local tavern . But when I ran downstairs at Glasgow , North Dakota , the door was closed . It was odd because we 'd only just arrived at the station . It was too soon for the door to have already opened and shut . A woman with long red hair , glasses , and a Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt was waiting by the door with a young man . That 's happened to me many times , where I 'm standing at the train door waiting for it to open , and it doesn 't , and I begin to panic , thinking all of the other doors have opened but mine and that the train will soon pull out of the station without my door ever having opened . I started to feel anxiety , and it wasn 't even my stop . The funny thing was , this woman was so calm . If it were me , I 'd be bouncing off the walls like a fly trying to find an opening in a window . He must have told her that in a text . I thought for sure the train was going to stop , given that the conductor now knew there was someone on the train wanting to get off , but but it didn 't . It kept going , until we were well out of Glasgow and back into the flat farmlands of Montana . " You should tell the conductor , " I said . I looked around . There was no one in sight . It was just the three of us on the lower level by the door . I wasn 't sure if I should press an emergency button . I didn 't want to make a nuisance of myself . She was getting off the train . Me , I was going to be on it for another day , beholden to the engineer and all the train 's employees . I went back upstairs to the lounge car , where my husband and son were playing cards . When I saw one of the conductors walk by , I blurted out , " A woman was trying to get off the train , and the door didn 't open . Do only certain doors open ? How do people know which doors are going to open ? " " No , they can 't . We can 't open all the doors . We don 't have enough people to stand at every door , " he said . I didn 't like this system . It anticipated that they knew how people would act . It also seemed like a game where not everyone was told the rules . We went to lunch , and on the way back to the lounge car , I saw the woman who couldn 't get off the train . She was lounging in her seat , listening to something on her earphones . She looked content . I wished I could be that content when things go awry . And in Montana , missing your stop is no small matter . The next one isn 't for another several hours . She told me her husband works for BNSF railways , and he 's been stationed in Havre , Montana for the last several months - about a six - hour drive from where she 's from , in Minot . They were going to meet in Glasgow , which is about four hours from Minot but certainly closer than going all the way to Havre , where he 's been living . She wound up having to go to Havre anyway . " He only gets four days off a month . We were going to meet in Glasgow , because it 's his birthday , " she said . " I haven 't seen him since January . " She was drinking a soda her husband had bought her at McDonald 's . He was going to give it to her when she got off the train but when he didn 't see her , he gave it to a train employee with the hopes that it would find its way to her . It did . Out the window , the farms of Montana rolled by . There would be one farm , and then a long period of rolling hills before you 'd see another farm or house . That kind of vastness makes all matters involving people seem small in comparison . It puts it in perspective . The woman went back to whatever she was listening to on her earphones , knowing that if she hadn 't seen her husband in four months , another four or five hours wasn 't going to make that much of a difference . I was lying . I hated camp . I was so filled with self - loathing at that age , I was socially awkward and self - conscious . It didn 't help that I was not very athletic . I remember one particular game of newcomb , a variation of volleyball but instead of hitting the ball back to the other team , you simply caught it . I was standing in the middle of the court , filled with dread that the ball would come near me , when the ball flew over the net and hovered in the air above my head . I made a half - hearted attempt to catch it , but I missed and the ball fell to the ground right in front of me with a thud . " Frosted fleas ! " cried one of the more athletic girls on the team , referring to my t - shirt , which had a picture of a box of Frosted Flakes cereal but instead of flakes , the box contained fleas . It was part of the Wacky Packages line of trading cards and t - shirts popular in the 1970s that parodied everyday consumer products . But having just missed the ball so blatantly , I felt like it was I who was covered with fleas . Every day that summer , I prayed for rain so we could do arts and crafts instead of sports . As we neared my son 's camp , I told him he didn 't have to do anything he didn 't want to , and he didn 't have to talk to anyone if he didn 't want to . It was the same deal we had with intramural soccer , where he was afraid to go out on the field . I saw no reason to force him . The world is a hard place for people who are socially awkward and bad at sports . I figure he 's allowed a few pressure - free years before being subjected to the cruelties of school and gym . When we arrived at the camp , I got out of car and opened his door . He climbed out and latched on to my leg like a clamp . I couldn 't move . A counselor and one of the owners of the camp had to peel him off . I wanted to cuddle him but knew that once he was pried off , if I reached out for him , he 'd latch on again . As the camp owner carried him off , I could see the corner of his face , and it was red , and I knew he was crying . I shouldn 't have looked . Like Sodom and Gomorrah , you leave and don 't look back . Children need to grow , to leave the womb , to separate . It 's painful but necessary , like ripping off a Band - Aid . To make matters worse , I realized I forgot to bring his camp bag , which had his towel , sun block , swimming goggles . I had to drive all the way home to get it . I also forgot to put his name on everything . I had tried to do it with masking tape and a sharpie marker , but the masking tape was so old , it no longer stuck . I tried writing my son 's name directly on the tags on his clothes and towel , but the marker bled , and instead of saying , " Holmes , " all the labels said , " Hams . " Interestingly , there 's another child from my son 's pre - school attending the camp . When I got home , I saw the girl 's mother had posted a photo of her on Facebook . In it , she looks like a cadet : hair quaffed , a magenta backpack that matched her magenta sandals , and she 's carrying what looks like a new plastic lunchbox . The caption said that her daughter had woken up at 4 : 20 a . m . and said , " I 'm ready for camp . " At our house , my son woke up at 6 : 55 a . m . , climbed into bed with me and my husband and announced that he did not want to go to camp . I said , " Oh , please , let me sleep five more minutes , " I said and handed him my phone to occupy him . He pressed each button so loudly and deliberately , I rolled over and gave him my back , resenting the three minutes of sleep he had stolen from me . As for his outfit , I was afraid to comb his hair because he 'd fallen this past weekend and had a scab on his head . His sneakers fit so poorly , I have to tell him , " Push your foot toward the front , " every time we put his shoes on . And his lunch bag is oversized and a bit tattered because it was the one my late father used to fill with snacks to take to his chemotherapy appointments , and I refuse to throw it out . When I picked up my son , I asked him how it went . " Good , " he said , halfheartedly . What did he like best ? Swimming . And the Popsicle . When I dropped him off the next morning , he latched on to me again but not as hard . By the end of the week , we had a system . I 'd pull in and remain in the car while a counselor took him out of his car seat and carried him through the gate , saying , " Your counselor , Mr . Dane , has been asking about you . " As I pulled out of the parking lot , I could see my son 's car seat in my rear view mirror . Usually , when I angle the mirror toward the back seat , it 's so that I can see him when I 'm talking to him . Now , I saw only his seat , and it looked so empty . July 6 , 2015 by scaby Life is like a minefield , where we are forced to make decisions again and again with every step we take . Do I go left at this junction or right ? Do I use my coveted free time away from my son to go food shopping , or do I wait until he gets home from camp and suffer the consequences of shopping with a tired , petulant four - year - old who wants something in every aisle and doesn 't mind having a tantrum in order to get it ? And if I take him shopping , will he like his father better than me because with daddy , he plays basketball and goes rollerblading while with mommy , all he ever does is run errands and go food shopping ? Which is how we ended up in the bird store in the first place . I thought if my son is going to accompany me food shopping , I should give him something in return . When we walked in , there were bird cages everywhere . There were big bright red and blue parrots , parakeets , and finches , blue jays and canaries , big birds with big beaks and little birds that moved so fast , you couldn 't even see their beaks . Some birds were in cages while others were in one of the rows and rows of plastic compartments that lined the store like condominium complexes . I was struck by all the signs listing what you could not do in the shop . Do not feed the birds from crumbs on the floor . Do not touch the big parrots . Do not take photos or use camcorders . There was so much negativity , I was surprised to see a gumball machine filled with bird food that one could buy for a quarter , like you might see at a petting zoo . Which is why I put a piece of food in between my four - year old son 's small fingers and pushed him toward one of the bird condominiums and said , " Go on . Put it toward his beak . He 'll take it out of your hand . " My son was still crying when a woman emerged from the back of the store and attended to some business behind the counter up front . She looked up but didn 't say anything . They must be used to this , I thought . I also thought if my son had a choice between rollerblading with his dad and getting his finger bit with me , he 'd most assuredly choose the former . I still had a fistful of food in my hand . I was beginning to understand why there was food on the floor of the store . People probably drop it after they 've been bitten . Perhaps it was penance or an attempt to teach my son to get back on the horse from which he 's fallen , but after having thrust his small hand into a vulture 's cage , I felt obliged to feed one of the birds myself . I put a small piece of food in my hand and looked for a bird with a smaller beak than the one that had just bitten my son . I held my fingers out , close enough for the bird to reach me but not too close . As the bird approached , I let go of the food , and it dropped to the floor . I tried again with a longer piece , and as the bird came toward me , my heart started pounding . The bird grabbed the food out of my hand , barely touching my fingers . Salvation accomplished . I threw the rest of the food on the floor and took my son 's hand . As we walked out of the store , I looked at the sign that said , " No photos , " and I was about to pull my camera out of my bag out of spite , but I remembered I 'd left it in the car . So I did the next best thing : I left the store without saying goodbye . That 'll teach him , I thought . " He 's just sort of like a silly guy . He 's a silly guy . Sometimes , if you put your arm out like this , they fly onto your arm , and when you 're really , really loud , they fly off your arm , " he said . " I think he 's a baby one . So maybe he doesn 't know any better . " We were meeting two of my son 's friends at the park , and as soon as we arrived , my son ran over to the tire swing . He was soon joined by his friend , Peter . As the two of them climbed on , a third boy walked over whom none of us knew . I continued to spin the swing around and around until I suddenly felt resistance . I looked at the ground and saw the boy who had gotten sick had put his feet down to stop the ride . He quickly began to climb off . " Nah , " he said and started to walk away but then changed his mind . He came back and climbed up on the tire . I began to spin the swing around and around , but after a few turns , I again felt resistance . I looked down and saw Jack 's feet on the ground . He started to climb off before the tire had stopped spinning . He looked pale . " I want . I want , " said Jack 's younger brother , Cade , who is always standing nearby wanting to do what the older boys are doing . But after a few revolutions , even Cade , who will throw his body onto anything without even putting his hands down , wanted to get off the swing . As the tire spun faster and faster , I watched Eddie and Peter lean backward and laugh with glee , their mouths wide open like fruit slices . I was happy to see my son smiling , but I also felt proud , the pride of a mother whose son has achieved something . In this case : the bravery to spin . I 've always known the world was divided into those who can tolerate fast , scary rides and those who can 't , and I was proud my son was among the former . There 's a certain amount of courage afforded to those who can go on scary rides , and a cowardice associated with those who don 't . My son made me feel like our family has balls , like we were bad ass . I felt courageous , by proxy . And it felt good because me , I 'm mostly yellow . I remember going to an amusement park in eighth grade with my then boyfriend , and as we went around and around on a ride called the Paratrooper , I started to feel queasy . It 's not a fast ride , but it has just enough up and down and round and round to shake things up in your stomach . By the fourth or fifth revolution , I threw up all over my shoes and that of my boyfriend , and I 've been skittish about scary rides ever since . I continued to spin my son and his friend faster and faster , but I suddenly feared that going too much in the same direction would make them sick . I let the swing slow down enough to stop it . I then gave it a big push in the opposite direction . I continued to push it around and around , faster and faster , and as I pushed , I could see Peter 's face begin to smile again . But this time , my son , Eddie , didn 't look so good . I stopped pushing and let the ride slow down and as it did , I could see my son 's face growing pale . Soon his feet were on the ground , and he was trying to climb down before the swing had even stopped . " I feel sick , " he said and stumbled over to a bench . He suddenly belched . " I just threw up , " he said , though I didn 't see any signs of it . But there 's the description of the day and the reality of it . From the minute we got to the warehouse , my son kept saying , " Mommy , when are we going to the yard sale ? " " Can we go to the yard sale now ? " " Is it time to go to the yard sale yet ? " " Mommy , it 's time to go now . Let 's go to the yard sale . " We bought an old farm sink and headed over to the yard sale but found it wasn 't really a yard sale . It was a guy cleaning out his garage , and he had lined up all his old fishing rods and tackle by the roadside to see if he could get any nibbles , so to speak . We bit . Thirty dollars later , we had a freshwater rod , a new tackle box - we probably paid more for it than it would have cost at WalMart - and got a fishing lesson on how to set up a line with sinkers and fishing swivels . We then headed out to the reservoir to put our new knowledge and equipment to use . " Why are you getting so defensive ? " I asked . " All I wanted to know was whether you had a car charger on you , so you could charge your phone right now , in the car . " Our son was in the back seat as we argued . Sadly , he 's accustomed to it . Perhaps there was a time when he thought all the arguing and animosity was his fault , but by now , he probably understands his parents are just asinine and that in between all the discord , they sometimes like each other . We arrived at the reservoir and rented a row boat for an hour . They handed us life jackets and sent us to boat # 14 . We walked down to the dock , and the three of us piled into the boat , along with our two fishing rods , a canvas bag filled with boxes of bait and tackle and a couple of long sleeve shirts that we clearly didn 't need as it was really hot . I like to be prepared for anything . " I want to try something , " I said , and reversed the oars , thinking maybe the last renter had put them in backwards . The swivel mechanism worked a little better initially but after a few strokes , it began to jam again . The problem wasn 't that the oars were inserted into the wrong holes . It was that the swivel mechanism was broken . I tried to row the boat toward the boathouse but I couldn 't turn it around in the right direction . The broken swivel mechanism made it difficult to turn the boat back around toward shore , and every time the oar got stuck , the boat would turn back in the wrong direction . There was a light breeze making the boat drift farther from shore , and the longer it took me to turn the boat around , the farther we drifted . My husband handed me his fishing pole and tried to turn the boat around . He managed to row a couple of feet . I was watching so intently , I didn 't realize I wasn 't holding the fishing rod he 'd handed me until the line snagged onto something in the water and as the boat moved forward , the rod quickly went overboard . We were so focused on getting back to shore , the loss of the rod went largely unnoticed . The man on the phone was soon approaching us in a motor boat . I waved my hands wildly to make sure he saw us . The man tied our little boat behind his , and as we headed toward the shore , I hung my head in shame as we passed the other boaters , because we were having to be towed back . But I also felt a little satisfied , knowing that no matter how defensive my husband got as we argued earlier in the car , my underlying point was right : people should always travel with a charged cell phone . |
Comment Policy Comments are welcome on this blog . Please sign your comment with at least a first name . If you have never commented here before , please also give your last name for your initial comment . Anonymous or pseudonymous comments are no longer accepted on this blog . The draft has now reached four hundred and thirty pages . It tells the story of Tom and Kelly 's marriage . Of course , readers of A Time to Mend will know that this story will have a sad ending . I hope , however , that it will be a good story . It probably won 't be up here for a while yet , though . In mid - December Owen and Wendy and I played a Saturday night concert together at the ' Plough and Lantern ' . Bill Prentiss was retiring at the end of the year , and he had decided to spend the autumn bringing in some of his favourite amateur musicians from the thirty years he had been hosting live music at the ' Plough ' . Wendy had taken a little persuading , especially as the date for the concert was only a couple of weeks after our wedding . We had decided to wait until after Christmas to go away for a honeymoon , but still she dragged her feet about the concert for a long time , and before she finally agreed to it she extracted a solemn promise from Owen and Bill that there would be no public mention of the fact that she and I were newlyweds . It was Wendy 's idea to make the occasion a Christmas concert , and this meant that the three of us had to do a lot of learning and rehearsing of songs , as we had never had much Christmas material in our repertoire . Once we started , though , we discovered that there was a lot of traditional Christmas music we all liked , and we enjoyed creating new arrangements , learning harmonies , and weaving in the instruments Owen had learned to play over the years , including the cittern and the octave mandolin . Wendy also had the idea of making the occasion a fundraiser for the Oxford Gatehouse , and Bill readily agreed to put out a donation box . Wendy and I arrived at the ' Plough ' around seven o ' clock in the evening ; Owen was already there setting up the sound equipment , and he gave us a cheery wave from the small stage as we came in . The place was about half full , and behind the hum of conversation I could hear Christmas music playing in the background . Bill came out from behind the bar and greeted us with warm handshakes . " Congratulations ! " he said with a wide grin ; " I hear the wedding went well ? " Stephen Jeffreys had been delighted to officiate at our wedding , although he had taken me to task light - heartedly for stealing Wendy from his congregation and making an Anabaptist of her . He had been very happy to have Rees participate with him in the service . Wendy 's parents were there , of course , looking quite frail , but obviously very happy about our marriage . All the members of my immediate family were there , including Sarah in her wheelchair , and Joe and Ellie had come from Meadowvale , along with Will and Sally . Merton College hosted the reception ; Owen had been the master of ceremonies , and of course he had roasted us enthusiastically , regaling the guests with stories about me going all the way back to the first day we met . Afterwards Wendy and I had slipped away to a nearby hotel for the rest of the weekend before driving back in to work on Monday morning . I saw the understanding in my mother 's eyes , and she reached out to give Wendy a warm hug . She had been doing a lot of hugging since my father died ; we had all noticed that she had abandoned some of the reserve that had characterized her for as long as I could remember . At the wedding , before Wendy and I slipped away , she held us both close with tears in her eyes , whispering in my ear , " I only wish your Dad could have lived to see this " . Mike and Becca brought my mother to the concert , arriving at about a quarter to eight . Becca had an engagement ring on her finger now ; the day after our return from Canada she and Mike had come to visit us and tell us the news , and she had been delighted to discover that Wendy and I were also engaged . She and Mike were planning a summer wedding ; they had bought a small house in Oxford , and while they fixed it up they were staying out at Northwood with my mother . My little sister had an air of contentment about her that I had not seen in years . I saw them coming in as Owen and I finished a final tuning of the instruments on the little stage : our two guitars , and Owen 's cittern and octave mandolin . My mother and Mike waved as they found a seat at a table toward the middle of the room , and Becca came over to the stage to chat for a minute . " All ready , then ? " she asked me . At that moment I saw Emma , Lisa and Colin coming in ; Emma had spent the afternoon with Sarah , including supper with the family , and she had then driven back to Marston to pick Lisa and Colin up . A young man of about Emma 's age was with them ; his name was Andy Gates , and he was a student of Wendy 's at Merton . He had been coming to our little church since early September , and he and Emma had been seeing quite a lot of each other lately . Emma had started her nursing degree in the Fall , and it was obvious to me that she was loving every minute of it . Her course load was heavy , and she often sat up late at night studying ; she also continued to spend a lot of time with Sarah , and she went out to visit my mother at least once a week . I had no idea how she and Andy were finding the time to date ; I had asked him about this once , not long after they started going out , and he had smiled and said to me , " I 'm as busy as she is , Tom , but at least we can sit together at church ! " " Excuse me a minute " , I said to Wendy and Owen , and I stepped down from the stage and went over to greet our children . Lisa had a backpack full of books and papers slung over her shoulder ; she was in the final year of her degree program now , and the workload was punishing . " You brought some work with you , I see ? " I observed . Outside , the December air was cold . There was a small patio area in front of the pub , with steps leading down to Walton Street . We walked hand in hand down to the street , the wind lifting Wendy 's hair from her shoulders . " What about you ? " she asked as we rested our backs against the low patio wall ; " Are you nervous ? " She shook her head ; " I 'm just trying to work out what exactly I did to deserve you " , she replied . " I can 't , though . I never expected to get a second chance ; I expected to be alone for the rest of my life " . He led us up onto the little stage ; we sat down on high stools as the people in the pub applauded , and Owen and I picked up our instruments and plugged in our patch cords . Owen looked questioningly at Bill Prentiss , wondering if he was going to introduce us , but Bill smiled and gestured for him to continue . Owen leaned toward his microphone , his octave mandolin in his hands , and said , " Welcome to the last of Bill 's nostalgia concerts " . There was a tremendous outburst of applause , cheers and whistles , and Bill smiled and waved from behind the bar . When the noise died down , Owen spoke into his microphone again . " The three of us sang together on this stage back in the spring when the Ferrymen played a gig here " , he said , " but we haven 't actually had a gig by ourselves since the spring of 1982 , when we all had a lot less grey hair " . He waved his hand toward Wendy and me ; " This is Tom and Wendy Masefield " , he said with a mischievous grin , " and I 'm Owen Foster , and for tonight , we 're Lincoln Green " . He leaned back from the mike and nodded at me ; I played a single chord on my guitar , Owen counted us in , and the three of us began to sing simultaneously : Posted on August 11 , 2013August 11 , 2013Categories A Time to Mend , Fiction5 Comments on A Time to Mend - Chapter 32 A Time to Mend - Chapter 31 We were climbing the Edith Cavell Meadows Trail in Jasper National Park . Emma was ahead of me , dressed in shorts , a hiking shirt and a ball cap , a backpack on her back and her trekking pole in her hand . We were above the boreal forest now ; away to our left the vast green slope of the valley wall was rising toward a grey ridge . To our right the ground sloped down sharply toward the glacial valley far below , and on the far side the looming bulk of Mount Edith Cavell dominated the horizon . It was a clear sunlit day , not too hot , perfect for this sort of climbing , and we could see other people on the trail , both above and below us . Emma and I had done this particular climb many times ; she was in her element , striding confidently ahead , using her trekking pole to help on the steep parts , stopping from time to time to catch her breath , enjoy the scenery and allow the rest of us to catch up . Wendy was following me , and Colin and Lisa were bringing up the rear . Emma had flown to Saskatchewan the first week of July , and the rest of us had followed right after my school term finished . We had spent two weeks in Meadowvale , with Wendy and her children staying at Joe and Ellie 's house , and Emma and I staying with Kelly 's parents . We had introduced Wendy and the children to our family and friends , taken them on day trips to nearby lakes and spent a couple of days in Prince Albert National Park with Krista and Steve and their children . Emma had obviously relished the company of her Reimer cousins ; they had gone for long walks and sat up late at night talking , and she and Jake had played music together on their guitars for hours at a time . Occasionally they had invited me to join them , and a couple of times I had persuaded Wendy to sing with us as well . The next day we had driven west to Jasper . I had borrowed a couple of tents and some camping gear from various friends and relatives in Meadowvale , and we had set up camp at the Whistler 's campground not far from town , booking our site for a week to give us plenty of time for exploring . Knowing that Lisa was not an outdoor person , Emma and I had deliberately planned to make the first couple of days ' hikes relatively easy , with a slightly more ambitious trek around the Valley of the Five Lakes on the third day . Now , on the fourth day , we had decided to attempt the Edith Cavell Meadows trail , a 750 metre climb starting in the boreal forest , trekking past glacial moraine , and then up into the alpine meadows and the bare rocks above them . It had been one of Kelly 's favourite climbs in Jasper , and we had done it almost every year when we visited the park . After a moment I felt Wendy 's hand on my arm , and I turned to her with a smile . Like Emma she was wearing shorts and a hiking shirt , with a Tilley hat to protect her face from the sun , and I could see the sweat running down her tanned cheeks . We had all been out of doors a lot over the past couple of weeks , and we were as brown as berries . " No , I do want to . I 'm not sure if Lisa will make it all the way up , though " . We turned and watched as Colin and Lisa climbed slowly up the trail toward us . Colin was in pretty good shape , but he was obviously taking his time to help his sister out . Lisa was visibly tired , leaning on her trekking pole for support , and stopping frequently to get her breath . " There 's a viewpoint not too far ahead " , I said . " We can stop there for a rest and a bite to eat , and if Lisa doesn 't want to go any further , I 'll stop and wait with her . I know Emma 's not going to be satisfied until she gets to the top ; the view from up there 's pretty spectacular " . At that moment Colin and Lisa reached us ; Lisa was breathing hard , and without a word she sat down on a rock , took off her hat and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand . Emma shrugged her backpack off her shoulders , took out an extra bottle of water , unscrewed the cap and handed it to her sister . " Have some water " , she said ; " It 'll help " . Lisa took the bottle , lifted it to her lips , and tilted her head back to drink deeply . After a moment she handed the bottle back to Emma ; " Thanks " , she said . Reaching for her mother 's arm , she pulled herself to her feet , grinned doggedly at Emma , and said , " God , you 're in good shape ! I feel like a pathetic wimp up here ; you can tell I 'm not an outdoors sort of girl , can 't you ? " " Oh , I 'd say a good forty - five minutes to an hour , at the pace we 're going " . I turned and gestured to the grey ridge off to our left , pointing to the peaks rising from it against the blue sky . " We don 't go all the way to the highest peak " , I said . It was Lisa 's turn to take a swipe at Emma 's head . " I didn 't realize before just how annoying you can be ! " she exclaimed ; " Shouldn 't I be able to shut you up or something ? Shouldn 't being the older sister count for something ? " After we ate our sandwiches at the viewpoint , Lisa and I stayed behind while the other three went to the top of the trail . She was obviously very tired , but I warned her against simply sitting down and waiting for an hour and a half ; her muscles would get very stiff and she would be limping all the way back down to the valley below . So we walked around the bare open space , enjoying the views of the surrounding peaks , and the Angel Glacier spread out ghost - like on the face of Mount Edith Cavell across from us . There were other people coming and going as well , gazing around at the view , taking photographs , eating food and drinking from bottles of water . " It really is spectacular " , Lisa said quietly , looking up at the Angel Glacier . " I don 't think I 've ever been this close to a glacier before . And I don 't think the photographs are going to do it justice " . " I grew up in a huge city " , she said , " So I grew a city girl 's instincts . If I 'd grown up close to this sort of thing … " She looked down at me ; " When did you learn to be an outdoor person ? Were you always like that ? " " But it 's all about vastness , isn 't it ? Here it 's the vastness of the mountains , and there it 's the vastness of the sky . I remember times in Meadowvale when I could see three or four separate thunderstorms in different parts of the sky " . " I guess it 's because to me , as a Christian , it 's not so much the vastness of the world that I want to be reminded of ; it 's the vastness of God . I like praying out of doors because it reminds me that God isn 't a being who spends all his time in small confined spaces , and it also reminds me that my limited view of the world likely isn 't the last word on the subject . But that doesn 't mean I 'm insignificant " . " No , I 'm not - at least not in this instance . What I 'm saying is that there 've been plenty of books written on this issue ; I 've read a few of them , and I don 't think either side has argued its case conclusively . If they had , the whole world would be flocking to one side or the other " . " I think it means that in the end the intellectual case for Christianity is good , but not conclusive - just like the intellectual case for atheism is good , but not conclusive . Argument will only take you so far . And for people like you and me , I don 't think it 'll take us very far at all " . " That 's how Will and Sally were to me when I moved to Meadowvale , although I didn 't actually live with them . They invited me to their place for Thanksgiving dinner in October , which is where I met Joe and Kelly and Krista for the first time . Krista was still in university , and Kelly was nursing here in Jasper ; she was home for the long weekend . Joe had just moved back to Meadowvale and opened up his vet practice ; he and Ellie had just gotten engaged . Will 's mom and dad were there too , and a few aunts and cousins . And then there was me , a young expatriate Brit with a guitar and an attitude , surrounded by all these Mennonites " . " No - at least , not right away . But they were very welcoming , and Sally told me that I was to come over and join them whenever I didn 't feel like cooking . I didn 't take her literally , of course , but I was over there a lot . And Joe and I soon became friends ; he was the one I had my first serious talks about Christianity with " . " No - Mennonites tend not to do that . We talked about Jesus a lot , and his life , and the things he taught . Mennonites really emphasize following the teaching and example of Jesus in daily life " . It was about an hour later that we caught sight of the others coming back down the trail toward us ; after a few minutes they arrived at the viewpoint with smiles on their faces . " That was pretty amazing ! " Colin exclaimed . I sleep soundly when I 'm camping , but I usually wake up early , and when I do , I can 't get back to sleep . I usually go for a walk to get my body moving , but when I woke up the morning after our climb , I could tell by the stiffness in my legs and back that my muscles weren 't ready for another walk yet . I crawled quietly out of my sleeping bag , doing my best not to wake Colin up as I slipped into my clothes ; he and I were sharing a tent , and Wendy , Lisa and Emma were in the other one . I unzipped the door and stepped out into the early morning light ; the sky was clear , promising another warm and sunny day ahead , but the mountain air was still cold , and I was glad I had pulled on a fleece top over my tee shirt . After returning from the bathrooms , I warmed up some water over the Coleman stove , made some coffee and sat quietly in a folding chair by the picnic table to drink it , enjoying the peace and stillness of the early morning . Our campsite was surrounded by tall trees , with other sites on either side of us ; above the tree line I could see the bulk of Whistler 's Mountain , and I remembered that I had promised everyone we would ride the cable car up there before we left Jasper . I took a sip of my coffee , thinking of all that had happened in the past few months , and breathing a few quiet prayers of thankfulness . " That 's right . But then , on the other hand , we might want to just take a ride up there in the cable car " . I pointed toward Whistler 's Mountain ; " There 's a rather nice restaurant at the top of the tramway , and from there it 's a short hike to Whistler 's summit . The views are spectacular " . She was quiet for a few minutes , sipping at her coffee , cradling the cup in her hands for warmth . I could see that she had tried to tie her hair back , but a long wisp of it was falling over her forehead . I reached over and took her hand ; she smiled at me , opened her mouth to speak , and then hesitated and closed it again . " No , I can talk about it " . I sat forward in my chair , resting my elbows on my legs . " She died in hospital " , I said . " She 'd been in a coma for a few days , and the whole family was there - Will and Sally , Krista and Steve and their kids , Joe and Ellie and Jake and Jenna , and a few others . And Emma and me , of course " . " Yes . We 'd been awake all through the night , much as we were the night my Dad died , except that Kelly lasted into the late morning . We were all sitting or standing around her hospital bed ; her breathing was getting more and more shallow , and we all knew that it wouldn 't be long . I was sitting on her right side , and Emma on her left ; Emma was holding her hand and talking to her , but Kelly had her eyes closed , and we had no way of knowing if she could hear or not . Eventually Emma just sort of leaned forward and put her head on her mom 's shoulder . And then we all saw Kelly 's left hand come up and around Emma 's back , as if she was remembering how she used to hold her when she was a little girl . " I remember that I leaned forward a bit , and then Kelly 's other hand came up ; it was as if she knew exactly where my face was . Her eyes were still closed , but she traced both of my eyebrows with her finger , really slowly , and then her hand went down to the sheet again . A few minutes later she died " . I lifted her hand to my lips , kissed it , and covered it with my other hand . " Will you marry me , Wendy ? " I asked ; " The sooner , the better ! " She laughed softly ; " Give me some time , all right ? This is only my first cup of coffee of the day ! " She took a sip of her coffee , thought for a moment , and then said , " I honestly don 't want to wait until next summer " . We strolled out of our campsite and down the lane , passing other tents and a few bleary - eyed campers who were already moving at this early hour . The trees around us were tall , casting long shadows on the road ahead . A family of grey jays was flitting in and out of the branches , stopping here and there to look for food ; a little further away I heard the chirruping of a squirrel . " Fear of not being able to get it right . Fear that I might still be too sad about Kelly to be able to give you the sort of love you deserve . Fear that you might say ' no ' " . She shook her head as we began to walk again . " I 've got some emotional baggage of my own , too . I 'm afraid you might still find yourself woken up at night sometimes by my nightmares , and … " she hesitated , biting her lower lip and looking away , " to be absolutely frank , I 'm not altogether sure that sex is going to be easy for me for a while , even with you " . " Well , there 's the issue of where we 're going to live , for a start . The obvious thing is for you and Emma to come and live with us , since I own a house and you 're a renter . But on the other hand , our house will be a little tight for five people , since we only have three bedrooms upstairs . I know Lisa sleeps at Christ Church a lot of the time , but I 'm still not sure she 'd welcome the idea of sharing her room at home with Emma , much as they like each other " . We both laughed . " She 's right , though , Tom " , Wendy said ; " There 's no reason why you shouldn 't give some of it away ; that would be a Christian thing to do , wouldn 't it ? It wouldn 't hurt us to have a mortgage " . She shook her head ; " Let 's go into this marriage with the idea of following Jesus together , shall we ? Even if we don 't always know exactly what that means . And that leads me to the next thing we need to talk about " . " I have ! " she replied , her eyes sparkling at me . " And as I said , I 've given this church issue a lot of thought . I know I 've made no secret of the fact that I like Merton Chapel , but the thing is that it is Merton Chapel - it 's a congregation of people involved in Merton . At the moment you 're not involved in Merton , and no matter how hard you tried , I don 't think you 'd find it easy to penetrate that barrier . I think you 'd always feel like an outsider " . " Tom , I 'm really grateful to you for your willingness to do it , but I think I 've known for a while now that if you and I ended up getting married , even if we attended an Anglican church together , it would be better for us to find a different one - an ordinary church , I mean - with a mix of people from all sorts of backgrounds , not just a university crowd . And , quite frankly , if I 'm going to move churches anyway , I might just as well try yours for a while ; that way we don 't both have to leave our home congregations . I like the people in your church , and I don 't dislike the form of service . I 'm just not about to go through believer 's baptism ; I hope you can understand that " . " On the surface , nothing " , I replied . " It 's thoroughly crowded at this time of day - you probably have to stand in line for twenty minutes to get to the counter - and the chances of getting a table are pretty remote ; most people just get take - out . But the food is amazing , and like Emma says , it 's a classic part of the Jasper ambience " . There were a couple of benches outside the bakery , and people were sitting on them drinking coffee and eating muffins and cinnamon buns and other assorted baked goods . A group of five people had arrived just ahead of us ; they looked at the line - up , and one of them suggested trying somewhere else . The rest of them agreed , and they walked off down the street . I grinned at a young man sitting on the end of the nearest bench eating a cheese bun . " I love it when I hear people say they 're going somewhere else " , I said to him . She listened for a few more minutes , and then to my surprise she said something to the couple in German . They looked at her in amazement ; the young woman responded , Lisa spoke again , and the next minute they were talking away to each other . Eventually Lisa smiled at the rest of us , apologized , and introduced the couple to us ; the young man shook my hand and said in perfect English , " Your daughter speaks very good German " . The three of them quickly switched back to German as the line - up moved slowly forward in the bakery . It was crowded in there , and the temperature was stiflingly warm . We were close enough now to be able to see the food on display on the various counters , and Emma and Colin were talking about what they wanted to eat . I put my arm around Wendy , and I felt her move closer to me , laying her head on my shoulder . " I feel like a teenager " , she whispered . " Big surprise ! " Emma replied with a grin ; " You two had that ' star - crossed lovers ' look about you when you came back from that walk this morning ! " She was sitting beside Wendy , and she leaned over and kissed her . " Congratulations ! " she said ; " Have you set a date ? " " So this means we 're all going to be living in the same house , does it ? " Colin asked . " Our house would be a bit tight for all five of us " . We continued to spend a lot of time with my mother . She gradually got into the habit of staying over a couple of nights each week at Becca 's flat in town , and Emma and I often hosted her for supper , along with Becca and Mike if they were free . I knew that my father 's death was hitting her hard ; I spent as much time as I could with her , and she talked freely with me about her loneliness and sadness and general lack of energy . I was used to seeing her as the steady , unemotional member of our family , the one we relied on to hold things together and get things done ; it was a new experience for me to see her openly struggling with depression and having difficulty with simple everyday tasks around the house . Emma was a big help here . She realized what was happening , and as she had done with my father , she quickly moved into her familiar supporting role without any fanfare or fuss . At least once a week , when she wasn 't working and I was busy with marking and other schoolwork , she took the car and drove out to Northwood to spend the evening with her grandmother . When I asked her what they talked about together , her reply was almost identical to what she had said to me about her earlier conversations with Sarah : " We talk about everything , Dad " , she explained ; " Actually , a lot of the time she talks , and I listen " . About the decision she was struggling with herself , Emma said very little to me , although I knew she talked occasionally with Becca . She was well aware that the longer she waited to put in an application , the harder it would be to get into the University of Saskatchewan if she should decide to take that option . The anxious parent in me wanted to raise this issue with her , but I restrained myself ; she knew about deadlines as well as I did . I heard from Mickey several times . His calls always came late in the evening , sometimes after I had gone to bed ; he never stayed on the phone for long , but his questions about Colin were persistent and relentless . What had he been doing ? What had I been doing with him ? Had he mentioned his father at all ? What had Wendy and I been saying to him about his father ? How long did I think it would be before Colin would want to see him again ? I was honest in my replies ; Colin rarely spoke about him , and on the few occasions when he did his words were not complimentary . Wendy and I tried to avoid any mention of Mickey around Colin , but when we were alone together we admitted to each other that we were worried about his new interest in his son . On a Saturday morning in late May I drove over to Aylesbury with Alyson to bring Sarah home for good . Alyson was in the process of getting their home ready to be sold , but it was taking longer than she had hoped , and so for now Sarah was going to sleep in the spare bedroom on the ground floor . When we pulled into the driveway there was an enormous ' Welcome Home Sarah ! ' banner hung above the front door , and all the rest of our extended family , along with some of Sarah 's school friends , were inside ready to join in the celebration . My mother had baked a cake , and Emma had helped Eric and Anna decorate the house with streamers and more banners . We spent most of the day there , leaving in the late afternoon because Emma had to get ready to work a night shift and I had a date with my other daughter . That evening I went with Lisa to hear a concert of choral music at the Sheldonian Theatre on Broad Street . The program included works by Palestrina , Gibbons , and Byrd ; the unaccompanied voices sounded ethereal , and I could tell by the expression on Lisa 's face that the music was touching her deeply . I had always enjoyed Gibbons ' English compositions from the 16th century , but the Latin pieces by Byrd and Palestrina were new to me , and I had to concentrate hard at times to follow the intricate weavings of the melody lines . Mickey was standing in front of the fireplace , his long grey hair untidy , his clothes creased and dirty . As I moved closer and held out my hand to him I could smell the stale whiskey on his breath . " I didn 't know you were coming to Oxford , Mickey " , I said quietly . " Why don 't you sit down ? " I replied , trying to keep my voice as even as possible ; " We can talk about this over a cup of coffee . Is there any coffee , Wendy ? " " Sit down ! " Mickey bawled at her ; " I don 't want any coffee ! I told you ; I want to take my son home with me ! " He tightened his grip on my arm and fixed me with his drunken stare ; " Don 't you try to stop me , Tom ! " he warned . " You bitch ! " Mickey cried , and before I could stop him he had lifted his arm and slapped Lisa hard across the face . She cried out , her hands flying up to protect herself as he raised his hand to strike again , but I grabbed him from behind , grasping his outstretched arm . " Lisa , you and Colin get outside ; you can wait for the police out there " , I said . " Oh no you don 't ! " Mickey cried , twisting in my grip with surprising speed . I saw his clenched fist too late to avoid it , and the next thing I knew I was staggering backwards from the impact of a punishing blow to my jaw . Mickey raised his fist to strike again , but I sidestepped him , and at the same moment Lisa and Wendy both grabbed him from behind . " Mickey , stop this ! " Wendy cried ; " This isn 't going to accomplish anything for you other than sending you back to jail " . " You 're doing a pretty good job of it right now " , I replied . " Mickey , why don 't we all sit down and calm down and talk about this quietly ? This confrontation is getting us nowhere , and it certainly isn 't helping you get what you want " . " Sit down until the police come , you mean ? " He shook his head , a sinister smile playing around his lips . " I 'm not such a fool ; I don 't think the police or the courts are going to give me what I want " . He looked from me to Lisa , then to Wendy , and finally his gaze rested on Colin , standing by the open door to the front hallway . I saw the fear in Colin 's eyes , and was opening my mouth to speak when suddenly Mickey darted across the room and grabbed his son 's arm . " Come on , Colin ! " he yelled ; " we 're getting out of here ! " " No ! " Wendy screamed , and the next moment she had flung herself on Mickey , her hands pulling at his , trying desperately to free Colin . Colin was fighting too , yelling and pulling against his father 's grip , and after a moment 's desperate struggle he succeeded ; Mickey fell back against one of the easy chairs by the fireplace , and Wendy pushed Colin toward the open doorway . " Get outside and wait for the police ! " she cried . Mickey was getting to his feet slowly , and I saw the drunken rage on his face . " Can 't take on all four of you ? " he repeated , thrusting his hand into his pocket ; " Let 's see what you say about this ! " As his hand came up from his pocket again I heard the click , and as the light flashed on the polished steel I realized that he was holding a switchblade . I heard Wendy catch her breath . " No , Mickey " , she said , and I heard the tremor in her voice ; " Please don 't do this . Put the knife down , and let 's talk " . He took a step forward , the switchblade moving in slow threatening circles in his hand . " I took to carrying this in Iraq , you know " , he said , the sinister smile back on his face . " Wanted to protect myself ; all sorts of nasty people out there . A couple of U . S . Marines taught me how to use it ; handy little thing , isn 't it ? " I felt my heart pounding as I realized that I was facing the exact situation we 'd discussed hypothetically for years in Bible studies about nonviolence in Mennonite churches . What would we do if someone carrying a knife or a gun threatened our loved ones ? Did nonviolence mean we should just sit back quietly and let the attacker kill us all ? I took a step forward , my eyes fixed on the switchblade as it moved slowly in Mickey 's hand . " Wendy , get everyone outside " , I said quietly . At that moment Mickey lunged forward , thrusting the knife toward my body . I sidestepped him again , putting out my leg as he went past ; he swore as he fell to the floor , and the knife flew from his hand toward the corner where Lisa was standing . She bent instinctively and grabbed it ; I heard Mickey cry out in rage , and the next thing I knew he was lunging toward her on his knees . She backed against the wall , the switchblade pointing toward him . " You bastard ! " she cried out ; " You touch me and I 'll kill you - I swear I will ! " He stopped moving , and I guessed that he had suddenly realized she was serious . " Now don 't do anything foolish , Lisa " , he said slowly , his speech still slurring a little . " You don 't want this on your conscience , do you ? " I saw the sudden fury flash across Lisa 's face . " My conscience ! " she screamed , taking a step toward him . " My conscience ! Fuck you , Mickey ; my conscience is absolutely clear ! You 're a pig , and I 'm going to stick you just like a pig ! " I saw her lunge forward with the switchblade , and instinctively I reached out , trying to keep my grip on Mickey with my right hand and grab her wrist with my left . As if in a slow motion movie , I saw the switchblade slice into my left hand ; I fell against Mickey in agony , the blood streaming from my wounded hand . I heard Wendy 's cry as Mickey and I both went over backwards ; I saw Lisa standing over us with a stunned expression on her face , still holding the bloodstained knife , and at that moment I heard the police sirens in the distance . I did my best to ignore the pain in my hand as I rolled over and tried to hold Mickey down ; I saw my blood smearing his shirt and sweater as he struggled in my grip . " Colin , help me ! " I cried out . " Wendy , get that knife away from her ! " I saw Colin drop to his knees , pinning his father 's other arm and shoulder to the floor . The sirens were outside the house now , and as Mickey continued to struggle against us I heard the front door open . " Police ! " someone cried , and the next moment two uniformed policemen were in the living room . I saw them taking in the situation , glancing at the switchblade in Lisa 's hand and the blood streaming from my wound . The one with sergeant 's stripes on his arm frowned at Lisa as she stood there , her face white , her breath coming in short gasps . " I think you should give us that knife , miss " , he said . She nodded slowly and handed him the knife , the tears beginning to run down her face . Then she knelt down beside me and put her hand on my shoulder . " I 'm really sorry , Tom " , she whispered ; " that was a stupid thing to do " . " This man is Mickey Kingsley " , Wendy replied ; " he 's my ex - husband , and he 's served jail time for assaulting me and my daughter Lisa here . There 's a court order requiring him to stay away from Lisa and me and his son Colin here . He came into this house tonight and tried to abduct Colin . Tom here is Lisa 's father ; he and Lisa were out at a concert , and they came back to find Mickey here . Mickey attacked us and eventually threatened us with that knife , but Tom was able to trip him up and he dropped it . Lisa picked it up , and unfortunately she lost her temper and attacked Mickey with it . Tom stopped her , but as you can see his hand was wounded " . I moved over and pulled myself up into a sitting position on the floor , holding my wounded hand and trying to staunch the flow of blood . The two policemen pulled Mickey to his feet ; he cried out in anger and tried to struggle against them , and they pushed him face forward against the wall , one of them holding him there while the other snapped handcuffs in place on his wrists . " We 'll get him into the car " , the sergeant said , " and then I 'll come back in and get some more details " . He glanced at my hand , and then said to Wendy , " You 'd better ring for an ambulance ; that looks like a nasty wound " . Wendy bound up my hand with strips of an old sheet , and I sat on the floor with my back against the wall , my head swimming , watching the red bloodstains spread across the white bandages and feeling the throbbing pain in my hand . Wendy sat on the floor beside me , her arm around me ; Lisa sat in an armchair by the fire as she and Colin answered the policeman 's questions . A few minutes later the ambulance arrived , and when the paramedics came into the living room I saw to my surprise that one of them was Mike Carey . " Hello , Tom " , he said , crouching down in front of me and taking my wounded hand in his ; " What have we got here ? " " You 've probably lost a bit of blood " , he said . " I 'll dress that hand and then we 'll take you to the hospital . Wendy , can you make him a quick cup of tea while I dress the wound ? Put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar in it " . Wendy went out to the kitchen to put the kettle on ; Mike slipped a pair of surgical gloves on his hands , and then slowly unwrapped the blood - soaked cloths from my hand . He cleaned up the wound with disinfectant swabs , shaking his head and saying , " You 're going to need some staples there " . He was just finishing the dressing when Wendy came back into the living room with a mug of tea . Squatting down beside Mike , she handed it to me and said , " Can you hold this with your good hand ? " I sipped at the hot sweet tea for a moment , feeling the warmth as it went down . After a minute I nodded and handed the cup back to Wendy ; Mike and his partner put their hands under my arms and slowly pulled me to my feet . I stood still for a moment , the world spinning around me . " Hold me up , Mike " , I said ; " I think I 'm going to faint " . " We 've got you " , he replied ; " Deep slow breaths , okay ? " He glanced over at the policeman who was now getting slowly to his feet . " Sergeant , I need to take Tom to hospital " , he said . Wendy rode with me in the ambulance to the JR , her hand holding mine as I lay on the stretcher . At the hospital I was given a local anesthetic and a doctor cleaned up my wound again , fastened it with surgical staples , and bandaged it up . I was given some blood and a couple of other injections and was then taken up to a room on one of the wards . " We don 't expect any complications " , the doctor explained to me , " but we 'd like to keep you in overnight just to make sure " . " Right " . Wendy got to her feet , bent and kissed me on the lips . Holding her cheek to mine , she whispered in my ear , " You sleep well , alright ? " The next day was a Sunday , and Emma picked me up at the hospital in the early afternoon , after the doctor had looked at my hand again and pronounced himself satisfied . There was blood all over the shirt and pants I had worn into the hospital the night before , so I had asked her to bring me in some clean clothes to wear . She appeared at the door at around two o ' clock with a backpack slung over her shoulder ; I saw her glancing around for a moment , taking in the other patients in their beds , and then she saw me in the corner , standing beside my bed . She came over , put her arms around me , and held me so tight that I could hardly breathe . " Are you okay ? " she whispered in my ear . When we got home , Emma insisted that I sit down in my easy chair by the fireplace ; she went out to the kitchen and made a fresh pot of coffee , and then we sat across from each other for a while , drinking coffee and talking quietly . It was a warm afternoon , and through the open window we could hear the sounds of children playing outside and cars going by on the street . Emma was wearing her hair loose ; she had let it grow in the past few months , and it was now hanging below her shoulders again . I took a sip of my coffee , cradled it in my hands , and said , " When Lisa and I got back to their place after the concert Mickey was already there ; he was drunk , and had apparently been threatening Wendy and Colin . He wanted to take Colin away . He got aggressive pretty quickly ; he slapped Lisa and then attacked me . We tried to restrain him , and that was when he pulled the switchblade . Fortunately he was so drunk that it wasn 't hard to avoid him ; I tripped him , he dropped the knife , and that would have been the end of it if Lisa hadn 't picked it up . She was really angry , and she took a stab at him with the switchblade . I tried to stop her , and unfortunately my hand got in the way of the blade " . " No , and I don 't think that 's going to happen . No harm came to anyone except me , and I 'm not going to lay any charges against her . What she needs is some patient loving , not punishment . Even if it did come to charges , I 'm sure a jury would take into account the years in which she saw her mother beaten , and the times she 'd been attacked by Mickey herself . He slapped her pretty hard across the face last night ; I won 't be surprised if she has a pretty good bruise when I see her " . " Well , I was thinking about it quite a lot this morning , and I 've come to the reluctant conclusion that events may have proved Lisa right after all . She always said there was no point in trying to have a peaceful relationship with Mickey , and she was afraid of where my conversations with him might lead . The fact is , if I hadn 't talked with him and given him the impression that I was in sympathy with his wish for a better relationship with Colin , last night wouldn 't have happened . I might have put the whole family in danger by my actions . That 's not a pleasant thought " . " Well , the relationships I was in with Wendy and the children put me under a certain obligation to protect them from harm . My actions toward Mickey might have had the unintended effect of exposing them to harm . I 'm not saying I should have been mean toward him ; I 'm simply saying that it might have been better if I 'd given him a polite but firm refusal right from the start " . " You 're welcome " , She stooped to kiss me , then took our mugs out to the kitchen . A moment later she returned , handed me a newly refilled mug of steaming coffee , and took her seat across from me again . Putting her own coffee cup down on the end table beside her chair , she said , " Speaking of finding the right thing to do … " " I know that , Dad , but I want to talk to them about it . You see , once I start my university course I doubt if I 'll have the time to visit Saskatchewan again for more than the occasional couple of weeks , so I 'd like to make the most of it this summer . I 'd like to go home for a while , and then go to Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan and the Edmonton Folk Festival and then up to Jasper for a while - all the stuff we used to do " . She gave a little frown ; " I 've thought about it for a long time , Dad . You know all the issues - we talked about that before . This weekend has brought it all to a head , but I was already inclining toward staying . By the way , thanks for not trying to make me talk about it before I was ready " . " Too true ! " she replied with a wry grin . " Well , anyway , I gradually came to realize a few things . I really like being close to Becca , I like Oxford , I like being able to spend time with Grandma , and I 've really enjoyed getting to know my cousins . I like our little church , and I also like Marston Court and the people there . Also , I know Sarah 's going to need a lot of help for the next year or two , and so is Grandma . And it 's not like I can 't go and visit the folks back home ; Grandpa left you a lot of money , and I 'm sure I can sweet - talk you into letting me have some of it from time to time to buy Air Canada tickets ! " " I knew that before , of course , and for a while I was sort of mad at you for wanting to stay here . But on the other hand , when you talked about a return to Meadowvale being a return to loneliness for you , it made a lot sense to me ; I thought of how happy you and Wendy are with each other , and how one day I hope I 'll find someone and have that sort of happiness with them as well . So I gradually came to realize that it was pretty wrong and selfish of me to be mad at you for finding with Wendy exactly the sort of happiness that I 'm hoping to find with someone else " . She paused , taking a sip of her coffee , and then as she put the mug back on the end - table she continued , " And then I got Becca 's call last night , and I suddenly realized that there was no difficulty at all making a decision . When Becca told me that you 'd been stabbed , I thought at first that it was a lot worse than it actually turned out to be . I thought about - about losing you , and how awful that would be , and then I was like , why am I even thinking about moving away ? That would be like voluntarily losing you ! I mean , I know I 'm going to leave home eventually and start a family of my own , but I don 't want it to be across an ocean from you " . My mother and Becca arrived at around four o ' clock . My mother was visibly shaken by what had happened , and I had to spend some time reassuring her that although the wound was nasty it was healing fine , and I would be all right . Emma then cheered her up immensely by sharing with her and Becca the news that she had decided to stay in England . I thought that , of the three of them , Becca was the most obviously elated ; she hugged Emma close and held her tight for a long time . Wendy and her children arrived at around five - thirty with a casserole wrapped in a towel . As they came in I saw that Lisa did indeed have a spectacular bruise on her cheek . " Ouch ! " I said to her ; " That looks painful ! " Wendy assured my mother and Becca that she had brought lots of food if they wanted to stay , but they had made arrangements to have supper with Mike and so they excused themselves after a few minutes of conversation . Wendy and the children put the food out on the dining table , but we ate sitting around the living room with plates on our knees because , as Emma said , " We don 't want Dad to have to move out of his easy chair " . I protested that they were making far too much out of a little cut , but at that point they all leveled withering glances at me , and that was the end of the discussion . She leaned forward , staring straight down . " Tom , I 'm really , really sorry " , she said ; " What I did last night was absolutely stupid . If you hadn 't stopped me , I 'd be in jail today ; I suspect that , as it is , I 've only barely avoided being arrested . And then , to top it all off , you had to be the one … " She looked up , and I saw the tears in her eyes . " I am so sorry ! " she said again . I reached across and took her hand . " Set your mind at rest " , I replied ; " I was never angry at you . If forgiveness is needed , then I forgive you ; I know you didn 't mean any harm to me at all " . " Hey " , I said , tightening my grip on her hand ; " Let 's put it behind us , shall we ? Like I said , I was never angry with you . Anyway , I 've got an apology to make to you as well " . " Well , events have proved that you may well have been right ; I was foolish to believe that it would be possible for me to have a peaceful relationship with Mickey without bringing the rest of you into danger . If I hadn 't been talking with him , I doubt if he would have even thought of coming and attempting to take Colin away . I 'm sure I contributed to that , and I 'm sorry . You were right , Lisa ; I should have listened to you " . " Yes - actually , Emma 's decided to go over for the whole of July and August . She 's got some plans for it , too . She 's going to spend a lot of time in Meadowvale , but she also wants to go to a Shakespeare festival in Saskatoon ; she wants to go to the Edmonton Folk Music Festival , and she wants to have a camping trip to the mountains - to Jasper National Park , where we used to holiday all the time " . We both laughed . " It sounds wonderful " , she said ; " I 'm not really a camping person , but I think I might even be able to put up with camping if it meant seeing the Rocky Mountains . I 've seen the photos in your albums " . " Okay " . We got to our feet , and I put my arms around her . We held each other in silence for a moment , and then she spoke into my shoulder in a quiet voice ; " Can I ask you something ? " For a moment I couldn 't speak ; I kissed the top of her head and held her closer as I struggled to bring my emotions under control . Eventually I stepped back a little and looked her in the eyes . " It would be an enormous privilege for me , Lisa " , I said ; " I can 't even begin to tell you how much it would mean to me " . " Thanks " , she said , looking suddenly a lot younger than her twenty - one years . " I can 't promise that I 'll always be a model trouble - free daughter - as you 've already seen ! " She gave a sudden frown ; " Is Emma going to mind me calling you ' Dad ' ? " I was in the courtroom again on the Friday afternoon three days later when my brother was sentenced to a year in prison . As he stood there in the dock , dressed smartly in his barrister 's three - piece pinstripe suit , I found myself wondering how it felt for a man who had so often plied his trade as a lawyer in this same courtroom . He listened with no visible emotion as the judge pronounced his sentence ; I knew he had been expecting it , and had been steeling himself to face it , but I still had no idea how he could look forward to such a prospect with anything other than fear . Alyson was beside me as the sentence was pronounced , and she made no attempt to hide her emotion ; as Rick was led from the courtroom I gave her a sideways glance and saw the tears running down her face . That night Emma and I went to Northwood for the weekend , and Alyson and her children joined us there . The mood over supper was subdued , and afterwards Eric and Anna gravitated up to Emma 's room . Alyson and I helped my mother clean up and wash the dishes ; my mother made a pot of tea , and the three of us sat down around the kitchen table to drink it . It was early May now and the evenings were lengthening ; we had left the curtains open and the lights off in the kitchen . " It 'll be a bit tough , I expect , but we 'll get by . When Rick 's inheritance from his father comes through it will be a big help , but until then we 'll have to be very careful with our money . We 've talked about selling the house and getting something smaller , but of course we 're going to have to find something that 's wheelchair - accessible - or that we can make wheelchair - accessible - and that 's going to be quite expensive " . " Well , when Rick gets out of prison he 'll probably have to find something else to do , since lawyers who 've done jail time don 't tend to find it easy to get clients . For a while I 'll probably have to be the main wage earner , and my salary won 't pay the mortgage on that place , I 'm afraid . We 're going to have to get used to a different lifestyle ; we 've talked a lot about what that means for us " . She nodded ; " Yes , they are " . She sat back in her chair , a thoughtful expression on her face , and said , " I 've watched Sarah and Rick together , you know ; for some reason , Sarah 's been able to get past her injury and not hold it against him . I expect she 's had some long talks with Emma about that " . She smiled at me . " Also " , she continued . " for the past three weeks or so I 've been going to an open AA meeting with Rick , and it 's been quite an eye - opener for me ; it 's really helped me to understand what it feels like to be an addict . But actually , I think it was my mum and dad who had the most to do with improving things between Rick and me " . " I 'm afraid so . Well , I shouldn 't be too critical of them ; in the weeks after the accident , the thought had often been in my mind , too . But when they made that offer it forced me to decide what I really wanted . The more I thought about it , the more I realized that what I really wanted was my husband ; I wanted to try to fix things between us so that we 'd be able to do the best we could for Sarah in the years ahead " . She looked at me , and I saw the sadness in her eyes ; " Of course , in the short term , that 's not going to be very easy " , she said . " I mean that I really don 't know what I would do . If she decides to go back to Canada , every possible course of action for me means a separation of some kind " . I smiled at my mother ruefully ; " Some people would say my past actions were coming home to haunt me " . " No ; we haven 't talked about it a lot . Emma hasn 't even said much about it to me , but I know she 's thinking about it . The Reimers are an extremely close family ; Emma 's cousins are more like brothers and sisters to her . And she 's lived in Meadowvale all her life , and she loves the area , and before we heard about Dad 's illness she was really looking forward to going to university in Saskatoon . God knows , I was finding it hard enough to come to terms with the idea of her moving ninety miles away to Saskatoon ! For a while early last year , when we were discussing a possible move to England , she was thinking seriously about staying in Canada and letting me come here on my own . Now it 's the other way around ; she might be the one to leave , and me to stay " . I shook my head and looked at Alyson . " Anyway " , I said , " this isn 't about me and my problems ; Emma and I will work it out , one way or the other , and I know she 's going to want to continue to be in close contact with her cousins here , no matter what she decides to do " . " I understand , and she will as well ; I 'm sure all of this is in her mind as she 's weighing her options " . I got to my feet and went over to the counter where the teapot was sitting . " Anyone want some more tea ? " I asked . I refilled my mother 's cup and then emptied the pot into my own mug . " You sure you don 't want any more ? " I asked Alyson ; " I could make another pot " . " Yes , thank you , Irene " , Alyson replied . She bent to kiss my mother on the cheek , smiled at me , and then slipped out of the room . I put the teapot back down on the counter and sat down again beside my mother . We were quiet for a moment , listening to the sound of Alyson 's footsteps going up the back staircase to her room . " I hope she 's all right " , my mother said . " You 'd think I would know her quite well after all these years , but sometimes I 'm still not sure what 's going on in her head . But I thought it might be a difficult night for her , and I didn 't want her to have to be alone " . " You 'd think after being married to a lawyer for all these years I would know these things … " Her voice trailed away , and as I scanned her face I saw the tears in her eyes . I moved my chair toward her a little and put my arm around her , and I felt her head come down on my shoulder . " Oh , Tom " , she whispered , " What am I going to do without him ? " I felt her shaking her head against my shoulder ; I kissed her forehead , and for a few minutes we said nothing . Eventually she moved away , wiping her eyes on a handkerchief . " Look at me " , she said ; " this isn 't helping anyone , is it ? " " I 'm not sure how you decide when you 're ' over ' someone . I still miss her . Mind you , I don 't find myself suddenly in tears with no warning any more , like I did for the first couple of years " . " Doctors , for taking her from me and making her spend most of the last six months of her life in hospital . But I know they were only doing their best to save her . I was angry with God , mostly , for not giving her back to me " . " I suppose so . After a while it just didn 't seem to make any sense going around the same unanswerable questions over and over again . Kelly 's death was pretty hard to fit into my view of God , but the world made even less sense to me when I left God out of it altogether " . I paused , and then said , " Dad and I actually talked about this stuff not long before he died , you know " . " It was an amazing conversation - totally unexpected . It was one of those nights when I was sitting up in his room - I think it might actually have been the first night , after you 'd gone over to Becca 's flat , and Lisa and Wendy had left . He woke up about four o ' clock in the morning , and we started talking about things . I 've got no idea how we got onto life after death , and Kelly , and God , but we had quite a good talk actually " . I took a sip of my tea , glanced at her , and said , " You never told me Dad had been a believer when he was younger " . " He rarely talked about that part of his life , and he had already lost his faith when we first started seeing each other . He did tell me about it once or twice , but it already seemed such a minor thing to him . Later on , of course , being an atheist became such a big part of his view of things that it was easy to forget he hadn 't always felt that way . But I think he softened a bit in the end ; that was your doing , Tom " . " Yes . He told me that we hadn 't made a believer out of him , but we had succeeded in giving him doubts about his doubts . A few nights later he had a long talk with Emma about it , too " . " Everything . We talked about you children , and the things you 'd done and the struggles you 'd had . We talked about our courting days and the early years of our marriage and the days when you and Rick were little boys when we were living in Summertown . We talked about our memories of childhood before the war , and how much the world has changed . We talked about our grandchildren and how proud we were of them ; your Dad was especially pleased to have had the chance to get to know Emma this past year , and it meant so much to him that she obviously liked him and enjoyed his company . We talked about Rick and Alyson and Sarah and the troubles they were having , and Becca and how much we hoped things would work out with her and Mike . And we talked about you and Wendy too ; we weren 't exactly sure at the time whether there was anything special happening between the two of you , but we suspected there was , especially after you brought Lisa out for a visit and we saw the way you and Wendy acted toward each other " . " Not for the last few weeks , anyway - time was too short " . I saw her bottom lip beginning to quiver ; " It was far too short " , she repeated , and I saw the tears in her eyes again . I put my arm around her , and this time as she turned and laid her head on my shoulder she whispered , " I miss him so much , Tom ! God , how I miss him ! I knew when Kelly died that it must be terrible for you , but I had absolutely no idea how terrible " . I got up , went to the cupboard above the fridge and took down the bottle of Glenlivet . My mother took down two glasses , put ice in them from the fridge , and poured the amber liquid into each glass . " Shall we take it through to the living room ? " she asked ; " We could sit in the comfy chairs and put our feet up " . I went to bed just after midnight , but for some reason - probably the mixture of three cups of tea and a glass of Scotch - I couldn 't sleep . I lay awake in my bed for a while , tossing and turning ; eventually I sat up , turned on the bedside light , and read for a while . At about one o ' clock I got up to use the bathroom and then slipped quietly down the stairs to the kitchen for a glass of cold water from the fridge . I was surprised to see a light under the kitchen door , and when I pushed it open I found Emma sitting at the table in her pyjamas and housecoat , a mug of hot chocolate at her elbow , reading a book . " Ah " . I moved over to the sink , rinsed out a glass and then opened the fridge and poured myself some cold water ; " What do you think ? " I asked . I looked down at the empty water glass on the table in front of me . " I 'm torn , of course " , I replied . " If you go back to Saskatchewan , part of me wants to go with you , so we can keep talking about poetry together " . We smiled at each other , and I continued , " But it won 't be any surprise to you that there 's a lot of things keeping me here , too . I love Wendy , and I would very much like our future to be together " . " Thank you . Then there are a few other factors , too . My Mum is in particular need of some help right now , and I 'm the one who can best give it to her , since I know what it 's like to lose your spouse to cancer . And sooner or later she 's going to have to decide what to do about this enormous house . She 's a very practical person , as you know , and I can 't see her staying here by herself for ever ; she 's in good health now , but even so , looking after the grounds and the garden and the repairs and maintenance and everything is going to be a lot of work for her . She 's going to need some help with all that " . I got to my feet slowly , took my glass to the fridge and poured myself some more water . " Then there 's Alyson and the children " , I continued . " She 's going to need a lot of support while Rick 's in jail . It won 't be long now till Sarah comes home , and that 's going to present them with a whole new set of challenges . Also , they can 't really afford to stay in that house ; Alyson wants to sell it and get something smaller and more wheelchair - accessible , and that 's going to be a big job for her by herself " . I leaned against the kitchen counter , took a sip of my water , and said , " Those are just a few of the things I 'm thinking about " . " Okay " , I replied with a smile , moving back over to the table and taking my seat at her side . She took my hand in hers , and as I looked at her face I saw the childlike expression there ; for a moment she looked much younger than her eighteen years . " Please don 't be mad at me , okay ? " she said . I turned away , feeling the lump in my throat . I felt her grip tighten on my hand , but for a long time I sat in silence , struggling with my feelings . Out in the corridor the grandfather clock struck two . Eventually I turned back to her and said , " I feel really torn , Em . I love you so much , and I love the folks back home , too , and miss them " . I smiled at her , reaching over to touch her cheek . " You 've grown into such a wonderful young woman ; your mom would have been so proud of you . It 's so great to see you making your way in the world , and yet still working at being a follower of Jesus . I know that sooner or later you 're going to leave home and make your own life , but I want to be close enough that I can watch that happen and be there if and when you need me " . I paused , struggling to control my emotions . " But there are people here who need me , and there 's Wendy too . And , Em , please understand that as much as I love Meadowvale , for me the thing that stands out the most about it is that your Mom isn 't there any more . Much as I love Will and Sally and the rest of our family , for me to go back to Meadowvale would be to go back to loneliness . And I 've had enough of loneliness , Em ; can you understand that ? " " It 's not that I wouldn 't go back if I thought it was what I was meant to do " , I said . " I mean , it would be hard , but sometimes God asks us to do hard things , and if I really thought I was being asked to do it , I would . But I can 't believe any of the unexpected things that have happened this past year have been an accident . I think God has brought Wendy and me together , and Lisa and me too . And I think that God has some things for me to do to help your Grandma , and Rick and Alyson , and Sarah and Eric and Anna . I can 't duck out on that , Em . I have to stay " . " All kinds of thing . I 'm scared that I 'm still too sad about your mom to really be able to give Wendy the sort of love she needs . I 'm scared that what Wendy and I can achieve together won 't be as good as what I had with your mom . I 'm scared that I 'll fall into the trap of comparing her with your mom , and not wanting to put her through all of that . Yeah - if you must know , I am quite scared " . " Don 't be scared , Dad " , she whispered . " You 're a good man , and Wendy 's a great person . I think you 're right - I think God brought you together . I think you should ask her " . " Good " . She sat back a little , stretching her arms over her head . " Well " , she said , " I think I 'd better go back to bed and try to get some sleep " . A few nights later I was jarred from my sleep by the sound of the telephone . Reaching for the cordless receiver on my bedside table , I peered at the luminous hands of the clock ; it was about one - thirty in the morning . In the darkness of the room I pulled myself up into a sitting position and put the phone to my ear . " Hello ? " I said . " Tommy , it 's Becca . You need to come down here right away " . My sister was covering the overnight shift at my father 's bedside . " Okay " . Pressing the ' end ' button , I turned on my bedside light , got out of bed , pulled on my dressing gown , and went down the hall to Emma 's bedroom . Knocking softly on the door , I called , " Em ? " I heard her keying in the number , and a moment later she said , " Wendy , sorry to wake you up ; it 's Emma . Dad and I are in the car on the way down to the hospital , and I thought we 'd better call you … Yes , Becca called us a few minutes ago and told us he 's fading fast " . Emma spoke into the phone again ; " He says I 'm to tell you that Grandpa and Grandma would want that … Right , we 'll see you down there " . Closing the flap on the phone , she said , " Lisa 's at Christ Church tonight , but Wendy 's going to call her and then go and get her ; apparently they 've already talked about what they would do in this situation " . When we got to my father 's room we found a nurse standing beside the bedside talking quietly with Becca . My father was wearing an oxygen mask ; his eyes were closed , and I could hear the sound of his laboured breathing as we entered the room . My sister greeted us both with hugs and said , " Right - I 'll go and get Mum " . We lapsed into silence , Emma and I continuing to hold my father 's hands ; my brother moved around the bed to stand at my side , and I saw Alyson put her hand on Emma 's shoulder . After a few minutes the nurse came back into the room , checked the monitors , glanced briefly at my father , and left as quietly as she had come . A couple of times Emma reached out and stroked my father 's emaciated face , whispering , " I love you , Grandpa " . Wendy and Lisa arrived a few minutes later , both of them showing evidence of hasty dressing . By then Rick had taken Emma 's place across the bed from my mother , and Emma and Lisa stepped back into a corner together , talking to each other in low tones . Wendy came around the bed to where I was standing ; I put my arm around her shoulders , and felt the answering touch of her hand on my back . We kept vigil at my father 's bedside for the rest of the night . At around three o ' clock Mike Carey came in and took his place at Becca 's side . Nurses checked the monitors by my father 's bed at regular intervals , and a doctor in a white lab coat spent a few minutes in the room , checking my father 's vital signs and talking quietly with Becca . At some point Emma resumed her place at my father 's side , holding his hand , and now and then talking quietly to him . At about four - thirty Wendy and I went out to the parking lot for a breath of fresh air . The eastern sky was beginning to get light , and the rain had stopped . We leaned against the back of the same bench Lisa and I had used a few nights before ; " Are you okay ? " she asked me . " Yes . I think he 'd have preferred it to be at home , but we all knew that wasn 't going to be possible . It was the same when Kelly died . She 'd spent the better part of the previous six months at University Hospital in Saskatoon " . My father died just after six o ' clock in the morning . For the last hour of his life , we could clearly hear his breathing getting shallower , and eventually it just seemed to fade away into silence and stillness . Emma and my mother were sitting on either side of the bed , holding his hands ; Wendy and Lisa and I were standing behind my mother , with Becca and Mike beside us , and Rick and Alyson on the other side of the bed . A doctor had slipped into the room at around five forty - five , and it was he who finally checked my father 's vital signs , looked up at us , and said , " It 's over " . Becca crouched down beside my mother and put her arms around her , and for a few minutes they held each other ; I could hear the sound of my mother 's quiet weeping , and I could see the tears on my sister 's face , too . Emma had gotten to her feet on the other side of the bed , her face stricken ; I moved around the bed and took her in my arms ; I felt her body begin to shake , and I held her close . " You were with him all night " , I whispered ; " That was exactly what he would have wanted " . My father 's funeral took place five days later at the Oxford Crematorium . His two brothers and his sister and their spouses were all present , along with my mother 's sister Brenda , and a number of my father and mother 's friends . All of our immediate family members were there , including Sarah who had been brought from the rehab hospital in her wheelchair . Rick had managed to have his sentencing postponed for a few days in order to be able to attend the funeral ; he sat at the front with his family , Alyson 's hand in his . Becca and Mike sat beside my mother , and Wendy , Colin and Lisa sat with Emma and me . Owen and Lorraine were a little further back in the chapel , and Owen 's father and mother were with them . My mother had surprised me the day after my father 's death by handing me a sheet of funeral instructions in his handwriting . As I had expected , he had not wanted a standard church ceremony , but in a short note addressed to me at the bottom of the page he had said , " Prayers and observances according to your Mennonite religious tradition may be added at your discretion , Tom " . We had asked my father 's old partner , Jack Marlowe , to lead a short memorial service with stories and remembrances of my father 's life , and at the end Emma read a short passage from the Bible , and I led a simple prayer of thanksgiving . Afterwards there was a reception at Northwood ; my mother had insisted on making the arrangements for it , and she had hired a catering company to provide a stand up lunch in the large piano room at the back of the house . Late the next afternoon we went to the offices of Masefield and Marlowe in Oxford for the reading of my father 's will . My mother had insisted that I bring Wendy with me , which was why we were meeting late in the afternoon , after her last tutorial of the day . As we gathered in my brother 's luxurious office I saw that Becca had brought Mike as well ; Jack Marlowe was sitting behind Rick 's desk , and the rest of us took our places on various chairs and sofas around the room . The will was much as I had expected it to be . He left his share in the house to my mother , and he left educational bequests in the amount of £ 25 , 000 each to all of his grandchildren , including Lisa . I had not said anything about this to Wendy beforehand ; I heard her catch her breath when she heard it , and I felt her grip tighten on my arm . Various smaller bequests were listed in the will , and at the end my father left the remainder of his investment money to be divided equally between Rick , Becca , and me . At this point Jack looked up from the document in his hand ; " I haven 't got the exact figures yet " , he said . " No , actually , your father was wealthier than you think " , Jack replied . He told her what my father had told me , about the money he had received from his father and had left in investments . " Inheritance tax doesn 't apply to what he 's left to your mother " , he continued ; " bequests to spouses are exempt . For the money he 's left to you three and to the grandchildren , the first $ 325 , 000 is tax - free ; after that it 's taxed at 40 % . As I said , I haven 't got the exact figures , but I 'm pretty sure that after taxes and the other bequests , the three of you will be dividing a sum of approximately £ 550 , 000 between you " . There was a stunned silence in the room ; from the expressions on the faces of my brother and sister I could tell that my father had not said anything to them beforehand . Becca 's face had gone white ; she gripped Mike 's hand and whispered , " Oh my God ! I had no idea … ! " Jack Marlowe folded the document in his hands and replaced it in its envelope . " These things take time to wind up " , he said , " so it 'll probably be a couple of months before we 're in a position to actually make any of this money available to you . Meanwhile , if I can be of any help to any of you , don 't hesitate to ask " . Wendy suggested that I tell Lisa myself about my father 's bequest to her , and so I invited them up to our house after supper . Emma and I had a quiet supper together ; I didn 't say anything to her about my father 's will , and she seemed to know instinctively that I didn 't want to talk about it . I mentioned to her that Wendy and the children were coming around later , and she said , " I 'll make some oatmeal cookies if you like ? " I made a pot of coffee and we sat around the living room , talking quietly about the events of the last few days . The evenings were getting longer now , and Emma had a fondness for natural light , so we had left the curtains open and only had one small table lamp burning in the darkest corner of the room . Eventually Lisa said to me , " You and Mum haven 't mentioned anything about your meeting today " . " Well , he turned out to be a much wealthier man than I had known . He 's left the house and all of his money from his own business earnings to my mother , and apparently it will be quite adequate for her to live comfortably for the rest of her life . Nothing unusual about that , of course , but there 's more " . I paused , took a sip of my coffee , and continued . " Apparently he received a pretty substantial inheritance from my grandfather when he died eighteen years ago , and he never touched that money ; he simply invested it . Out of that money , he left bequests to all of his grandchildren to help with their education . That includes you , Lisa , and Emma too . Emma 's already received some money from him , so her bequest is a bit smaller , around £ 19 , 000 . He left you £ 25 , 000 , Lisa " . " There 's one more thing " , I said . " That investment money of my Dad 's turned out to be a very large sum . Of course , there will be inheritance taxes to pay , but when all of that has been taken care of , he 's left the rest to Rick , Becca and me . It 'll be about £ 180 , 000 for each of us " . She shook her head . " I 'm still coming to terms with it , Dad . It 's a huge amount of money , and we were getting along fine before Grandpa left it to you . We didn 't have a lot , but we had enough . And what about all the people in Britain who don 't have fathers who can leave them £ 180 , 000 - what do they do ? They live modestly and do the best they can . Why shouldn 't we do that ? Isn 't that what Jesus taught us to do ? " For the next few days we were back to our old routine of spending every spare minute at the hospital . My mother was at my father 's bedside almost every waking moment , going to Becca 's flat each night around eleven o ' clock and returning each morning around nine . Rick , Becca and I managed to persuade her to let us handle the night shifts ; she seemed to feel better about leaving my father for the night if one of us stayed at the hospital , and so we took it in turns to stay with him . Once Emma joined me in my all - night vigil ; I fell asleep , and when I woke up at around four in the morning I discovered she and my father talking quietly together . When I asked her later what they had been talking about , she replied , " A lot of things - you and Mom , me , Meadowvale , nursing - we even talked about Christianity for a while " . Almost every night , Wendy and Lisa came back with us to the hospital after supper ; somehow , without it ever really being talked about , Wendy had taken it upon herself to provide a light supper for us at her house on Grays Road , which was quite close to the JR . The only one who raised any objection to this was Rick ; we were cleaning up the dishes one night before going back , and he protested that she mustn 't put herself to all this expense and trouble . " Don 't be silly , Rick " , she replied quietly ; " I 'm the obvious person to look after it " . " Not part of the family ? " he replied , smiling across at me as I bent over to load the dishwasher . " Is that what Tom 's told you ? I wouldn 't let him get away with that if I were you ! Tom , have you really told Wendy that she 's not part of the family ? " I straightened up , leaning my hand against the kitchen counter . " Not that I can remember " , I replied , grinning mischievously at Wendy . " Emma " , I called , " did you tell Wendy that she wasn 't part of the family ? " Emma put her head around the door of the kitchen . " Not part of the family ? " she replied with a frown ; " If she 's not part of the family , why 's she doing all this cooking for us ? And anyway , she 's Lisa 's Mom , and Lisa 's my sister , so that makes her part of my family , for sure ! " I leaned forward , resting my elbows on my knees . " I 've been wanting to talk to you about that " , I said ; " I haven 't forgotten what I said to you at the lake at Mum and Dad 's : that you 'd be one of the first to know if I came to love someone again . But after that , things got a little complicated between you and me " . " I know that , Lisa " . I sat back , stretched my arms across the back of the bench , and looked at her . " Are we going to be able to get past that ? " She looked away , and for a long time she said nothing . I waited , and eventually she spoke in the barely audible voice that she used when she was thinking out loud . " I know you 're a good and decent man , Tom " , she said . " God knows , you 're the closest thing to a decent father that I 've ever had . I 'm just scared " . " Well , at the moment , nothing 's happening anyway . All my time is being taken up with Dad ; I 'm not answering Mickey 's phone calls , and to tell you the truth , for the past few days he hasn 't left me any messages . I 'll worry about him after … " I stopped suddenly ; I had been going to say , " After Dad gets out of hospital " , but I had suddenly realized that I was no longer expecting him to get out . She turned her face toward me again . " I think so , Tom " , she whispered . " I 'm still really confused by this whole thing with Mickey , but … " ; her voice trailed off , and she looked down at her hands . " And , I suppose I feel really torn . On the one hand , I 'd like to think there 's room for me in there somewhere . But on the other hand , you and Emma live your lives on the basis of such a big risk , and I don 't know if I 've got the guts to do that " . " Yes : trust . This whole thing with Mickey is a case in point ; you seem prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt , but I can 't bring myself to do that . I don 't even want to do that " . " When you and Mum were in with your dad last night . We went for a walk for about an hour . I told her all about life with Mickey , and all about how hard it is for me to believe in God . She was really good about it . She didn 't try to fix me or change me or anything " . She paused , and in the dim light I saw that she was frowning again . " The truth is , Tom " , she continued , " you and Emma might just be the most decent people I 've ever run into . I really want to trust you ; I 'm just not finding it easy " . I reached across and put my hand on hers ; she hesitated for a second , and then tightened her grip around my fingers . We sat there for a few minutes without saying anything , while the cars came and went in the busy parking lot . Eventually she said , " I 'm getting cold ; can we go back inside ? " I tightened my grip on her hand . " I promise I 'll never , ever do anything that puts either you or Colin in danger . I won 't take it upon myself to come to any sort of understanding with Mickey ; I 'll just listen and keep the door open . If he asks me to consider any course of action , my first response will be to talk to you and Colin and your mum , and if any of you feel at all unsure about it , the answer will be ' no ' . I promise you that , Lisa " . " No . I see a beautiful young woman , very smart , a hard worker , a person who 's been through some very difficult times over the past few years and somehow still manages to stand tall . And I know I had absolutely nothing to do with bringing you up , but I have to say that you make me very proud anyway " . As Emma went out to the kitchen I moved over to the telephone table and punched the button on the answer phone . The machine beeped , and I heard the voice of Mickey Kingsley . " Tom " , he said ; " Mickey here . I 'm out of hospital now , and I 'm going to be in Oxford over the weekend . I 've got a contract to take the photos for a story someone 's doing on one of the colleges . Ring me at home , please ; I 'd like to meet with you while I 'm there " . Emma had an early shift the next morning , and she left the house just after seven o ' clock . I went out for a walk , and when I returned I put some toast in the toaster , poured myself a cup of tea and sat down to call Mickey . I keyed in the number of his London flat ; I heard the phone ring three times before it was picked up , and to my surprise a woman 's voice said , " Hello ? " She slammed the receiver down , and for a moment I sat there motionless with the phone in my hand . Then I shook my head , pressed the ' end ' button , and put it down on the table . Getting to my feet , I went out to the kitchen , took my toast from the toaster and spread peanut butter on it . Taking it back into the living room , I sat down at the table again , picked up the phone , and punched in Wendy 's number . " No , I didn 't know that . Well , I suppose I shouldn 't be surprised ; he 's a handsome devil , and he 's never been able to go without sex for any length of time . How did you find out ? " " There was a message for me to ring him when we got home last night . I rang his house this morning , a couple of minutes ago , and a woman answered . When I asked who she was , she said she was Mickey 's girlfriend - Marina , I think she said " . I met Mickey for morning coffee on Saturday at the Randolph Hotel . I had stipulated that it be fairly early , as I had schoolwork to do and I also wanted to spend as much time as possible at the hospital with my father . Mickey had readily agreed ; he had work to do and only a weekend to do it in , he said , so why didn 't we have breakfast together ? I had been on the brink of agreeing when I suddenly found myself feeling very strange about the thought of Mickey , the man who had once broken the jaw of the woman I had come to love , treating me to breakfast at the Randolph . I had used Emma 's early shift that day as an excuse ; I wanted to have breakfast with my daughter before she went to work , I explained , and I proposed coffee at 9 . 30 instead . If Mickey had wanted to intimidate me by his success in his chosen profession , he could not have chosen a better location to do it . The drawing room at the Randolph had chandeliers hanging from a high ceiling , polished wood paneling on the walls , a large fireplace , and elegant tables covered with white tablecloths . It was already filling up , even at this early hour ; the maitre de directed me toward the far corner of the room , and as I approached the table I saw Mickey sitting there alone , a cup of coffee at his elbow , reading the newspaper . I stopped for a moment , looking at the man who had loomed so large in my past , and far larger in the lives of Wendy and her children . He was still wearing his curly hair long , but it had gone almost completely grey , and he was wearing a pair of reading glasses as he studied the newspaper . There were lines around his eyes , but with his long patrician nose , high cheekbones , and cleft chin , he was wearing his years well . Wendy was right , I thought ; he was still a handsome devil , and the clothes he was wearing - casual , yet obviously expensive - were carefully chosen to underline the youthfulness of his appearance . " No , and there are a few other things you don 't know , either . Kelly and I met in my first couple of years in Saskatchewan . Her last name was Reimer , and she came from a Mennonite family . She 'd moved away from her family faith as a young teenager , but was on her way back into it when we met . I got curious about that , too , and I ended up making that faith journey with her . We lived our married life as practicing Christians , and Emma and I have carried that on . So when you asked if Wendy 's newfound religion was getting in the way of something - well , you couldn 't have been more wrong about that , either " . So I told him about my move to Meadowvale and how the community had adopted me ; I told him about Will Reimer and his family , and my growing relationship with them , leading eventually to my marriage to Kelly . I told him about Emma 's birth and Kelly 's first bout with cancer , about our trips to England and our involvement in Third World missions . I told him about her death and how Emma and I had dealt with it , about my father 's cancer and our decision to come to England , and about my surprise at finding Colin in my class , and meeting Wendy again . " I 've been lucky ; I got some good contracts early on , and my name got around . I 've developed a bit of a reputation for going to hot spots and taking photographs ; I tend to be one of the first ones newsmagazines call on when they want pictures taken in places like Iraq and Afghanistan . You know - all the places you need to wear a flak jacket " . " I was . Actually , I was there several times before the invasion . One of the American magazines did a feature on the Taliban , and I did the photography for them . I 've been in the Sudan a few times , too , and I was in Rwanda while the genocide was going on " . " Yes - she came up for the weekend with me " . He stood up slowly , a smile spreading on his face , and I turned in my chair to see a woman coming toward the table . I guessed her to be in her late thirties ; her brown hair hung loose behind her back , and she was wearing designer jeans and a white jacket , her face discreetly made up . I got to my feet as Mickey took her hand ; " Tom Masefield , may I introduce Marina Spencer ? " he said . " Marina , this is Tom " . " … been together ? " Mickey completed my sentence . " We 've known each other for a few years , actually . I did some work for some of Marina 's relatives - her family 's quite aristocratic , and they wanted some photographs taken on an estate of theirs in the Midlands . I was between jobs at the time , and they contacted me about it . I went up for the weekend , and that 's where I met Marina " . " Occasionally . Usually I have to prod him a bit to get a reply " . He hesitated , gave a little frown , and then said , " Tom , I know you think very highly of Wendy , so I don 't want to cast aspersions or anything , but the fact is that she 's done a good job of turning Colin against me " . I sipped at my coffee slowly , trying to gather my thoughts . Shifting a little in my chair , I said , " Here 's what I know . A couple of years after Lisa was born , you started hitting Wendy , and you did it continually for the next twelve years , sometimes when you were alone with her and sometimes in front of the children . Also , when you were traveling overseas you often cheated on her with other women . Wendy of course took the blame for a lot of this , as abused women tend to do , but she drew the line after twelve years of abuse when you attacked her daughter as well . Colin 's afraid of you , not because of anything that Wendy 's told him , but because of what he remembers about life at home with you , and Lisa hates you - in fact , when she found out that I was even having a conversation with you , it came very close to wrecking my relationship with her " . I put my coffee cup down on the table . " Look " , I said , " I don 't want to get into an argument with either of you . The facts about the injuries Wendy and Lisa sustained the last time you assaulted them are a matter of medical record , Mickey , and you know that . Still , you tell me that you 're trying to get your life together and that you want to have some contact with your son in the future , and I think that 's good . But it 's not going to happen if you continue to deny responsibility for what 's happened between the two of you " . " I mean that I think you should reserve judgement . You 're basically saying to me that I 've only got Wendy 's word to back up the abuse stories . Well , in fact , that 's not true - I 've heard them from Colin and Lisa too , and Wendy 's brother Rees was the one who found Wendy and Lisa after Mickey 's last assault on them " . She opened her mouth to protest , but I held up my hand and said , " Hear me out . You 've implied that I 've only got Wendy 's word to go on ; I respond to that by reminding you that you 've only got Mickey 's word to go on to back up his version of the story . And if you tell me that you love Mickey and you know he 'd never lie to you , I 'd respond that I love Wendy and I know she wouldn 't lie to me , either " . " So we 're basically at an impasse " , I said . " You maintain that Wendy 's lying about the extent of the abuse ; she maintains that she 's not . Meanwhile , you want me to work for a reconciliation between you and Colin " . " I think reconciliation between you and Colin would be a good thing , Mickey . I just don 't think it can happen unless you 're willing to admit the truth about the past - to yourself , and to him . I understand why you don 't want to do that . I know how hard it would be to you to have to admit the damage you 've done in Wendy 's life and the lives of her children " . I saw a momentary flash of anger in his eyes , but it was gone almost instantly , replaced by his familiar polished smile . " Well , as I said , I 'm not surprised that you believe everything Wendy 's told you - and I can 't blame you for it . Just keep an open mind , please , and remember - it 's not wrong for a man to want to see his son occasionally " . " I won 't promise anything " , I replied ; " My life is rather hectic at the moment . Well , I 'll be on my way , then " . I smiled at them both again , then turned and made my way out . |
Her Destiny a novella by Guy Hasson " A road diverged in the woods , " he whispered , standing over her grave . " And fate forced me to choose the one less traveled by . " His legs , rooted in the mud , sank a bit . Wind blew through his hair . " And fate , " he repeated softly , his voice cracking . " Forced me to choose the one less traveled by . " He 'd always known he 'd create something big . He 'd known that whatever it was he would do , it would make him rich and famous . He 'd known that eventually he 'd be in league with Edison or Einstein . He wasn 't good at inventing things , but he was good at making money . And he was near - prophetic at predicting where things would go . And so , at the age of twenty - three , he 'd picked a direction and hit the gas . By twenty - five he was the CEO of Eternity Plus , a start - up that melded together different branches of sciences in a direction almost everyone thought was impossible . Its ultimate goal was to be able to copy people 's minds into computers , so they could live forever . And now , only five years later , thanks to his leadership and thanks to his choice of scientists , all the major breakthroughs were behind them . They just needed it to work . It hadn 't yet . Not without bugs . But it would . He knew it . He knew he 'd be married , not by the age of thirty , but at the age of thirty : After he 'd been around the block , after he 'd experienced everything that was bad for him , after he 'd have nothing more to regret not having done , after he 'd had the crazy teenage energy drained out of him . He knew that only at the age of thirty he 'd be mature enough to settle down . He knew it . And he knew that the second he 'd be ready , he 'd meet her . He knew she 'd come to him . In the middle of his birthday party , at a friend 's studio apartment , he felt nauseous . He stepped out to take a breath of fresh air . And just as he walked out of the staircase and into the street , she walked into the building . She wasn 't even supposed to be there . Her best friend had dragged her to Manhattan to celebrate her last day in the States . Of all the streets , they had a flat in this one . Of all the times for it to happen , one cellphone had broken down and the other 's batteries had run down . Of all the buildings in that street , she 'd stepped into this one to ask for help , just as he was coming down the stairs . He found himself face to face with the image he 'd had in his mind since he was six years old . He offered to help them with the flat but they didn 't have a spare . They used his cellphone to call for help . He stayed around until the help got there . They talked . They liked each other so much , that he ditched the party and left with them . And the funny thing was , they were both called Tony . There are things that are set . There are things that you know . If they hadn 't met then , they would never have met . He 'd never stepped outside New York . She 'd always sworn she 'd die before setting foot in it . She was on her way to London , to get a degree in the BBC School of Communications . Had she gone , she would have gone on to make a career as a producer in the BBC , and would never have come back . And they would never have met . Now that they had met , she took a job as senior associate producer at a local station . If they hadn 't met on that day , at that second , they would never have met . He knew it . There are things that you know . There are things that are set . He knew exactly who he was . He knew what he would do five years from now , ten years from now , twenty years from now . Now that he knew her , he knew who she was . He knew what she 'd do five years from now . He knew what she 'd do twenty years from now . They 'd set the wedding date on his thirtieth birthday . But two months before the wedding , she 'd cancelled . It was a decision for life , and for a few horrible weeks she hesitated . He stayed with her . She stayed with him . They got over it , and set another date . It was set to be ten months after the original date - - he would still be thirty years old . This time , he knew it would happen . And the future was easy to see again . Marriage , work , kids . Kindergarten , school , college . Five years , ten years , twenty years . The path ahead was clear . Their future , in his mind , had already been written . He knew the future . He knew it . Had she waited another second , it would have been fine . Had she come out a second earlier , the other driver would have seen her . Had Tony told her only one more thing that morning , none of this would have happened . Some of the mourners approached him , wanting to console , to share their memories of her . He answered curtly . Matt Sanders , the company 's CTO , was one of the last to come and share his condolences . Tony stopped him , gripped the man 's arm forcefully , and took him aside , towards his car . " Then what ? " " We turned her on , " Matt looked at him with helpless , puppy - dog eyes . " We did get everything from her brain - - her personality , everything - - into the computer . But . . . It was the last ten seconds of her life , Tony . She was dying . Her brain was practically gone . And . . . Every time we turned her on , she just . . . died . Again . And again . And again . " " Tony . We can only work with what we have . Her brain was dying . So we recorded a dying brain . If we 'd gotten there an hour earlier . . . " They both knew there had been no time . The accident had been too severe , and she 'd lost too much blood . Tony called Matt from the ambulance , frantic , knowing that these were her last moments , desperate to keep even a remnant of her alive . Nothing could have been done faster . " We recorded a dying brain , " Matt repeated . " So we have her dying . Even if our technology worked ten times better , we 'd still only be able to work with what there is . " Matt relented , unable to face the man 's sorrow . " Yeah , sure , okay . " And he fell back into the car and into the driver 's seat . " Well . . . They both show the last ten seconds of her life . This one , " he raised one tape , " is actually what you asked for . The computer simulated the way her mind really works . It did the math from one fraction of a second to the next fraction of a second , from one moment to the next . Just like real life goes from one moment to the next . " " See , I figured . . . I don 't know . . . I had this thought . I mean , this is Tony . It was worth doing something stupid for her . " " I used . . . the method we 're working on for long - term . " " I thought that was for people who wanted to live in a computer for a period of years in a few seconds . Even thousands of years . " " I figured , I don 't know , you know , the way the computer figures the brain using the other method is the way the computer figures where the moon will be in five years . You punch in a few numbers , and it tells you where the moon will be in five years without having gone through the middle . It 's the same here , you punch in the years , and you get a person who 's lived in a computer for a thousand years in a single second . So . . . I figured , we don 't have to type in a thousand years . Instead of skipping a year into the future , let 's do the opposite . " " I mean , let 's break it down into frames , like a movie . I mean , a movie is made up of frozen frames . But you when run twenty - four - or - whatever frames a second , it looks like real life . " " So . . . When we compute the brain using the first method , we compute fifty states - of - mind a second . So let 's compute the first fiftieth of a second using the second computation . And then the second fiftieth , and the third , and so on . I mean , it 's different math , maybe it 'll give different results . I mean , we still don 't know if the damned thing - - " Tony recognized the small hospital room , as seen from her eyes . There was another bed beside hers , with another patient . A curtain . From the corner of her view , you could see part of her leg , covered by a blanket , and a couple of her fingers . And sitting right in front of her was Tony , as he was then , his face sad and broken , holding her hand . The breathing got harder . Tony 's face - - his own face - - became frantic . He looked around , about to call a doctor . She made a small sound , then gasped . The vision got blurry , and then the screen turned dark . " Put it in ! " Tony thrust the tape into Matt 's lap , clearly unable to get up himself and put it in . Matt lowered his head , took a deep breath , got up , replaced the tape , sat back down again , and pressed ' Play ' . " No , her brother 's in Australia . They 're not . . . They 're not on friendly . . . He didn 't want to come . And both her parents are dead . " " Do you . . . " he looked around . The huge house felt so empty and dark . And Tony , sitting there in the couch , seemed to have shrunk . " Do you have anyone staying with you ? Anyone who could . . . ? " " I don 't need anyone , but thank you . " He stood up and reached out to shake Matt 's hand . " Thank you for everything you 've done . " " Yah , " Tony killed Matt 's sentence with a word . " Thank you . " And he said it in a way that clearly meant ' get out ' . Tony didn 't come to the office for a week . The people from Eternity called Tony every so often , but mostly left him alone . Surely he had friends in his own life , friends he could depend on during these tough times . After a week , he appeared , went immediately into the office and shut the door behind him . After a few hours , Matt walked to the door , opened it gingerly , and stepped in . " Good , " Tony said , before Matt shut the door behind him . " I was just coming to see you . " " Yeah , " Tony said . " Two things . I got this invitation to a general meeting of the shareholders of the company . You probably have one on your desk , too . ' On the agenda : The Chairman 's term of office . ' " " No , no . They sent it the day before she - - Look , it doesn 't matter , it 's bogus . They want results and that 's how they 're pressuring me . The point is , try to get results as soon as possible . The heat 's going to get worse over the next few months . But don 't skip over - - Do a good job , okay ? Don 't worry about the business side of things . I 'll take care of it . But I 'm counting on you to take care of everything else for the next few weeks . " " Tony , " his voice was soft and reasonable . " You have everything we have . When we punch it in at a minute after the incident , we just get zero brain activity . It 's just darkness . Ten seconds is all we h - - " " You don 't understand . I don 't want more later , I want more inbetween . I mean , why have fifty frames a second ? Why not compute a hundred frames a second ? Or a hundred - and - fifty ? Or at two hundred ? " " If the thing breaks at a hundred , if a hundred is too much , then give me seventy frames a second . If seventy 's too much , give me sixty . If fifty - two is too much , give me fifty - one . But I want that one extra frame I don 't have . " " I don 't know . It 's just , I want to see everything she went through , everything she saw . And even if it 's only one more frame , I just . . . I just need to see it . To . . . " he was stuck for words . Tony lowered his eyes and didn 't answer . " Look , " he said . " I 'll be here tomorrow , too . I haven 't finished catching up on my paperwork . Can you do it by noon tomorrow ? " " And , look , however many frames you get , run it in slow motion , run it at twenty - four frames a second . So those ten seconds will stretch into a minute or two . Okay ? " Tony opened the door and was halfway through it when he turned back . " You know what ? Prepare it in tape , but I 'd like to see it on the big screen , too . " He meant their theater - sized screen on the third floor . " Maybe I 'll . . . I don 't know . . . " The tape waited for him on his desk . He sat down , set it aside , finished as much of the paperwork as he could over the next three hours . Then he got up , took the tape , and headed down to Research . " Two hundred , " Matt turned a corner . " And surprisingly , the equation didn 't collapse . I mean , there 's no doubt the brain doesn 't work that fast . We did physical experiments on people . Our perception has limits . But you put two - hundredth of a second into the equation , and it gives us an image . " " If you run the ten seconds at twenty - four frames a second , it just looks like the same thing , only much slower . So I guess it gave us in - betweens . I mean , this just proves to me how good the equation is - - that it makes sense even at this level . " It was just the same in slow motion . There were no sounds this slow , but Tony sat riveted . Watching each of his breaths in slow motion , watching every expression on his own face . Wordlessly , Matt pressed a couple of buttons , and started it again . After the third time , Tony got up suddenly , and squinted at the big screen . " Freeze it , " he said . " Look ! " he pointed at the frozen picture . " You can see her reflection in my eyes . " Something he could never have seen on a small TV screen . " See it ? " " Freeze ! " Tony yelled suddenly . " See ? It was there again ! Next to me , next to the chair ! It looked like a scratch on the film ! " " I don 't know . Hold on . " He rewound it a few seconds , moved it forward in slow - motion , then , as the counter in the corner showed that they getting closer , he manually played it frame by frame . At this slow a pace , moving slowly from one two hundredth of a second to another , it seemed like there was no movement at all . And suddenly - - from one frame to the next - - a woman appeared on the screen . The woman was small and round , and seemed to be in her mid - fifties . She was standing behind Tony 's chair , her hand holding its back . She was staring at the ' camera ' - - at the dying Tony 's eyes - - with pity , as if she 'd been there all along . Matt moved a couple of frames forward - - but the woman was gone . He moved back a few frames , and just for one frame , on a single frame , the woman stood there , as if she was part of the events , as if she 'd been one of the visitors . " Are you playing a joke on me ? " " Tony 's mother ? " Matt whispered , putting his hand on his whiskers , looking at the woman , staring so intently at her daughter . " Was she there ? Did we somehow miss her when we first computed the - - " Matt looked at Tony , then at the picture . " I 'll recompute , " he said . He gathered his things , took a last look at Tony 's mother standing there frozen , then turned off the screen . Matt sat at the computers , and performed all the computations from the top by himself . Tony sat there in silence . The rest of the technicians worked wordlessly around them , giving them a wide radius . " Okay , " Matt said after five hours . The lab was empty now . Everyone had gone home . " I started from scratch and performed all the computations myself . No chance of error now . " " Whoa ! " They both drew back at the same instant . It still looked like a scratch . Matt rewound and played it frame by frame . The image was the same : Tony 's mother standing behind Tony , hands gripping the back of his chair . " I don 't know . The computer solved the equation for a millisecond that didn 't exist . I expected , you know , that when the equation broke , it 'll give us gibberish , flat lines , colors , something like that . But . . . What you have here is a picture of something coherent , of a real person . And yet something that didn 't happen . " " The equation is taken from her brain , after all . This image of her mother is clearly an image in her brain , a memory or something . And when there 's nothing that makes sense . . . This happens . " " Suddenly , out of nowhere ? " The two talked for a while . Eventually , Tony left , the videocassette in his hand . Matt stayed behind , saying he 'll check a few more things , and that he 'll go home in five minutes or so . The first thing Tony did the next morning was drop by the lab . Matt was drinking coffee near the fridge . " Are you wearing the same clothes you did yesterday ? " " There were two more . The first one you spotted was two - point - five - five seconds into the vid . The next one was two - point - five - three seconds after that , and the third was two - point - four - five seconds after it . Here are the three frames . " He pressed ' ENTER ' , and three images appeared . " See ? Exactly the same . Tony 's mother , standing over you , gripping the chair . The pattern 's the same , too . One frame is normal . The next frame , she 's there as if she 's always been there . The next frame , she 's gone , and everything 's normal again . " They 're very similar , but look at the fingers in her right hand . " He pointed . " There 's a progression , from the first one to the third one . It 's almost unnoticeable , but you can still see it . In the first one , she 's holding the back of the chair tightly with all her fingers . But in the third one , she 's only holding it tightly with two fingers . " Matt looked at Tony and said slowly , " She 's letting go of the back of the chair . " He then leaned forward , and whispered , " There 's motion ! " " So I had two options . Either there 's motion in jumps , every two or three seconds you get another frame in the movie . Or maybe there 's motion in each of them , and they 're independent . " " Look at the first frame . It looks to us as if she wasn 't there , then suddenly she was . But there 's no reason for us to assume that there was nothing before or that she appeared just there , out of nowhere . She may have walked into the room , for example . " " It 's possible . The frame before it is 2 . 545 seconds . The frame with her mother is 2 . 55 seconds , which is 1 / 200th of a second later . There are a whole lot of numbers inbetween . Who 's to say she doesn 't exist there ? Who 's to say she didn 't move there ? Who 's to say we can 't see how she appeared or how she disappeared before the next frame ? " " So I dug even deeper . I punched in even smaller numbers , and made a ' movie ' of what happened inbetween those three frames . And , uh , look at this . We 're working now with each frame being five - thousandth of a second . Watch . I 'll run it for you at twenty - four frames a second . " While everything else in the hospital room was frozen in time , Tony 's mother seemed to breathe in real time . She let go of the chair , approached her daughter 's face - - growing bigger in the frame . She bent down , and kissed her daughter on the cheek . She then straightened , turned around , and walked back to stand behind the chair . She gripped the handle . And then she vanished . " I want to make this very clear , Tony . What you saw is not real . What you saw can 't possibly be true . There is no way - - no way in hell - - that Tony saw what we just saw . We can 't see at that level . Reality is not like that . What we just saw , it 's the equation that represents her mind trying to make sense under circumstances that can 't possibly exist . So it 's pulling things out of her subconscious . . . Out of her memories , her dreams , her nightmares , her ego , her id , her whatever - - I don 't really know . But these are just random images that the equation pulled out . " " Random images ? Random images ? ! Tony 's last ten seconds , and we see her dead mother giving her a last kiss , welcoming her to the next world ? " " The same thing . Slight variations between each time , as if she did three ' takes ' for the same scene in a movie or something . Nothing new . " " It doesn 't mean anything . It 's not exactly the same because different numbers fed into the equation give you the same pattern but not the exact same numbers . It 's simple math . " " Nowhere . It 's jarring , I admit . Even to an atheist like myself . But I checked it out . This is just an equation coping with something it wasn 't meant to cope with . Reality is finite . You slow it down too much , it 'll break down . Numbers are infinite . You break them down forever and they 'll still behave the same . " The equation has to give us an image , so it gives us an image . It only has Tony 's brain to work with , so it gives us images that come from Tony 's brain . It is programmed to assume continuity , so it gives us continuous images - - it gives us motion . These are random images and nothing more . " " I have an explanation , " he shrugged . " It doesn 't have to do with big things like god or the light we see when we die or ghosts which only dead people see . There 's nothing supernatural about it . This is just math . Simple , plain math . I have the truth . My world works again . So I 've had a long day , and I 'm going home , taking a bath , and taking a long , calm sleep . " He took his jacket . " And , besides , my equation works . Good night . " Matt shut the see - through door on Tony , and made his way through the maze of corridors that constituted Eternity Plus . He climbed the stairs , went out the front doors , and into the parking lot . He stood over his car , pulled out the keys , when he heard someone yell : " Matt ! " " I was thinking . We only looked at three spots with a resolution of five thousand frames a second . Who 's to say that if we don 't look at the whole thing with 1 / 10 , 000th of a second , we won 't find something else ? Who 's to say we can 't dig even deeper , to go for 50 , 000 frames a second , or 100 , 000 ? We might see more images . " " Uh . . . Sure , we might . But why would we want to just pull random images out of her mind ? You know it doesn 't mean anything , right ? " " Because . . . I mean . . . " The next day , Matt broke down the last ten seconds of Tony 's life even further . The two of them spent the day watching it in slow motion , looking for a frame that had something more in it . Tony watched it , afraid to blink , afraid he 'd miss the single frame that would lead to another set of images . But at the end of the day , there was nothing other than what they had already seen . The next day , Matt broke reality into even smaller pieces . And as time on the screen slowed down , they found two places , one near the beginning , one near the end , both giving them an image of a small boy walking next to the wall on the far side of the room . Tony identified the boy from Tony 's photo albums . It was Tony 's brother , the way he 'd looked twenty years ago . Tony 's brother walked from the left side of the frame and slowly exited on the right , his left hand always touching the wall . He never looked aside . But a millionth of a second later , he came in again on the left side and repeated the same action , moving from left to right . His steps were different this time . Breaking it down further gave them another image compounding this one . Tony 's father , as he had been twenty years ago , was leaning on the far wall , staring into the air . Her brother was still there , walking as he did before , now in extreme slow motion . Their father ( in what appeared to be real time ) sees him approaching , straightens up , and moves forward , allowing him to pass . But then the Strange Attractor seemed to dry up . There was nothing more underneath . The movement itself , existing only between milliseconds , turned slower and slower the more they broke it down , but there was nothing , nothing more to see between those numbers And suddenly , after a day , there was an explosion of images . Her mother , her father , her friends , past , present , everyone she knew , everyone she had to know - - the equation seemed to pull them all out of her brain . It was as if , under certain magnification , if they looked at numbers smaller than ten millionth of a second , the ' dead space ' , the air itself , teemed with life . It was a quantum - sea of images popping into reality then , less than ten millionth of a second later , disappearing as if they 've never been . Oddly , not once had they seen someone ' popping ' into reality . They were either there or they weren 't . If someone was there , then there was always a number that came before in which that someone was already there . Disappearance was the same . They never actually ' caught ' anyone disappearing . There was always a miniscule number later in which that person was still there . The more Tony and Matt worked , the more Matt was forced to put some of his research aside and focus on this . Some he gave to others , some he just put aside , hoping this will blow over soon . But he also liked working on it . He 's been working on the human mind , and this was like the opposite of a Rorschach test to him . It was fascinating to watch . Tony focused on the places that included him . Aside from the Tony sitting there on the chair , seemingly frozen in time , there was another Tony walking around behind him . There was a reenactment of the first time he and Tony had met . The three of them - - the two Tony 's and Tony 's friend - - leaning on the wall of the hospital room ( instead of on the hood of the car ) . The three were holding a conversation which Tony and Matt could not hear . Still , to Tony it seemed accurate . At another spot , he and Tony literally popped into the room , undressing each other while kissing . He recognized it . It was the first time she 'd stayed over . If it wasn 't for the strange frozen surroundings of the hospital room , it would have been the perfect video reconstruction of what had actually happened . Another . Nothing . Another . And now even the bits in which things had popped into reality had frozen in time . Nothing happened around them or between them . At the end of a day in which Tony and Matt had stared at nothing but still pictures of frozen people , Tony suddenly said : " Freeze it ! " " What ? " Matt looked at the picture . It was the same basic frame they 'd started out with . There was no one else in the room , no additional people , only Tony . Matt looked at him . " What ? " " Oh , my god , " Matt whispered , finally seeing it . He 'd gotten so used to it that he had never looked . But sitting in that chair in the same position . . . " That 's not you ! " Matt looked at the picture and took his time . " Well , " he said as a smile slowly spread across his face . " At least things are interesting again . So , " he turned to Tony . " Who 's this one ? That 's not someone we 've seen before , right ? " " Tony , come on . Look at the position he 's in , look at the way he 's replaced you . This is probably one of her past boyfriends . " " Matt , there are things you know for certain ! Tony and I had stayed up hundreds of hours in bed just talking about everything in her life , about everything in my life . " I 've seen pictures of all her past boyfriends . I 've seen pictures of all her teachers from all the yearbooks , all the annual class pictures . I know what all her ex - classmates look like today . I know everyone in her family and everyone in their families . I even know what her neighbors looked like in all the apartments she 'd lived in . She 'd described them to me and I described mine to her . I 'd even recognize the people she went to kindergarten with . I know everything about her . " Matt looked at him , wondering how seriously should he take what he 'd just heard . Tony did have an obsessive nature . If he said he knew everyone , he knew everyone . " So . . . You 're saying you know for certain that the equation didn 't pull this guy out of her memories ? Are you saying the equation invented a person ? A person ? ! " Matt stared at the picture . " I 'll take your word for it . For the time being . " He stared at it further . " Well , he reminds me of someone , that 's for sure . " Matt scrunched up his mouth , and presently said , " Don 't know . " He looked at it a bit further , then sighed , and stood up . " Oh , well , " he took his jacket . " It will come to me . " He kept the door open for Tony . " Let 's go home . " " High school ! " " Yeah . All the girls were crazy about him . He was a megastar , not a superstar . He was compared to James Dean all the time . Until , just like James Dean - - " " Don 't start thinking ghosts on me , again , Tony . That wasn 't Larry Steele . It just looked like him , but it also clearly wasn 't him . " " No , Matt , you don 't understand . It 's not that he 's dead . It 's that Tony . . . when she was a young . . . a teenager . . . she always thought that the man she 'd fall in love with would be someone like him . Not him exactly , but someone like him . He was her dream . The ultimate - - " " The ultimate man ? " Matt laughed . " Well . At least we know where the image was pulled from . Not from her memories , but from her desires . Or her dreams , maybe . " " But you didn 't pull this image from her teenage brain . You pulled it from her brain today . I mean . . . " he put his hand on his forehead . " I mean , from a few weeks ago . " " So what ? We never find our ultimate dream mate . We find someone close , a variation of the archetype . I mean , you must have had a dream woman in your head when you were that age . " Matt frowned . " Well , " he said . " Look . I 'll work around that number , see if he 's moving , too . " He looked at Tony for a second , and seemed to want to say something more . Then he turned around , and said , " Good night . " Tony stayed standing there for a minute , thinking , as Matt went to his car . Matt stood by his car , his hand on the handle . Then he turned around again . " No , please , please don 't get me wrong . I know how important this is to you . But if we keep on digging forever , we 'll just find more of the same things . Bits of her subconscious , bits of her memories , her dreams , her whatever . This is not helping you to let go . And two weeks is as much as I can afford to let other people do the research without me . " " Please , " Matt needed to get it all out at once . " It was Tony , and it was you , and I understand that . And there was enough scientific interest in it for me . But we 've discovered everything we 're going to discover . Everything else is repetition . We solved the last problem - - we solved that image - - it 's her dream . Fine . That 's it . Let 's move on . And besides , " he had to stop for breath , and with Tony looking at him and saying nothing , he looked down , and then up again to meet Tony 's eyes . " The people from Tout le Monde Tout Jours are coming here tomorrow . " Tony winced inside . The French production company ! It was the last thing he 'd spoken about with Tony . He 'd convinced her to be interviewed by them . If he had argued with her for another minute , if he had phrased things differently , she 'd be here today . " That 's fine . I understand . You don 't need to . I 'll handle them . I 'll talk to them and explain what we do and show them around . At least for a few days . You just . . . Take a couple of days . Work , don 't work , but get yourself back into . . . you know . " " I don 't want to say goodbye ! " Tony exploded . Matt stared at him . Tony put his hand over his eyes . " Okay , " he said . " Okay . You handle them tomorrow . " And the second Tony woke up , a clock began to tick inside his head . A clock that counted backwards to the wedding . It was there before , but it had counted silently and in the back of his mind . But now it was strong , and the feeling of absence , of loss , hit him , as if it was the first time he realized it . He should go to work . But he couldn 't . He should stay here . But he couldn 't . The entire house smelled like Tony . And . . . A week before the wedding . The clock was ticking . Three hours had passed since he 'd first had that thought . If she were alive , what would she be doing now ? Her calendar ! He went over to her laptop , the computer that had stayed untouched ever since that morning . He pressed a key , and the screen lit up immediately , showing an animation of a snake climbing up naked Eve 's leg in the Garden of Eden . Her screensaver . With a hesitant finger , he touched a key , and the screensaver disappeared . The screen was filled with Friendly Reminders that had jumped to the top of the screen over the last three weeks . One by one , he pressed ' Dismiss ' . Get a fitting ; Talk to Saban about the vacation ; Check with Binias ' people ; Drag Tony to buy new shoes . Finally , with the screen clear , he pressed on the ' Calendar ' and saw her schedule for the day . 8 : 00 a . m . pre - interview with Altman , 11 : 30 , pre - production back at the station . That means she 'd have been up at six a . m . , an hour before him . The alarm clock would have gone on on her side of the bed , and within ten seconds , just as he would have stirred , her long arm would have reached over , and shut it down permanently . Tony had never needed the ' snooze ' function . She would have sat up , looked around her , yawned , and bent down and kissed him softly on the lips . " Go to sleep , " she would have said , as she always had . " That was for me . " He probably would have been sleeping too deeply . He 'd have touched her face , then turned around and fallen completely back into his stupor . And when he 'd have woken up an hour later , from the same alarm clock ( which she would have reset and put on his side of the bed ) , Tony would have been gone and he 'd have forgotten all about her kiss . Fuck being healed ! He didn 't want to be healed of her . It showed disrespect . To the greatest . . . the greatest . . . of all . . . in all . . . He kept reading the calendar , as it detailed hour after hour what Tony would have done each day until the wedding . He parked his car . In his office , he found Charles Caudwell sitting at his desk . " Charley , " he shook the man 's hand . Caudwell worked for one of the eight venture capital funds whose money financed the project . " How are you doing ? " " I know . I heard , and I 'm sorry . But in the last few weeks since your tragedy , Eternity Plus has used six million dollars of the shareholders ' money . " " But no longer acceptable . We 've seen the research , you 've shown us your computer program . You can put people in computers now . We want a finished product . We want you to start an ad campaign . We want to start getting this ready for the stores . " " Charley , it 's not ready yet . We have a whole floor devoted to debugging this thing , to comparing the human original to the digitized copy , to check . . . To check a thousand different things . All these things take time . " " Well , the consensus is , that you rely too much on your scientists . If scientists had their way , they 'd never get anything out of the lab , they 'll just examine it to death . Tell them you need it now , they 'll give it to you now . " Tony smiled at him , and Charley froze . " You have no sense of timing , do you ? You 're whipping a man - eating lion when he 's aggravated . I 'm going to do you a big favor and do your wife a big favor and do your kids a big favor because one of these days you 'll probably need money to send them to college - - and I 'll forget this happened . You 'll have your product , but you 'll have a good one and a safe one and a trustworthy one . This is going to take a few more months , but only a few months , because we 're almost done . And ten yards before the finishing line is no time to lose your head . " " Now get out of my office before you see how crappy my mood really is . I lost a - - " He took a deep breath . " Get out . " Matt opened the door wide , and stepped inside . " Tony Moore , " he said . " Meet Steve Adams from Tout le Monde Tout Jours , from ARTE , France . " Tony rose automatically , his hand extended . And then he froze . He was staring at the man whose image he had seen only yesterday . The man they 'd decided had been created from Tony 's subconscious desire . " Thanks , Matt , " he looked into the man 's eyes . " I 'll take care of our guest from here on . " Matt nodded . " And remember that avenue of research we were talking about yesterday ? Maybe it deserves another looking into . " " Well , my mother 's French . We moved there when I was eleven . " " Eleven ? Wow . How - - if you 'll excuse the question - - how long ago was that ? " " My god . . . It was practically thirty - three years ago . " Which meant he 'd left before Tony had been born . " Still , " Tony said . " There 's not a tinge of a foreign accent when you speak . You must have been here quite often . " " Actually , no . I hadn 't set foot in the States since we 'd left . My father insisted on talking only in English , though . He gave me homework , increased my vocabulary , forced me to keep on reading in English . It 's all thanks to him . " " Well , okay , once . It was actually during the Paris riots . " During the Paris riots Tony was in San Diego . " They broke out just as I landed in New York . From the way it looked on TV , I had to make sure that my family was all right . You couldn 't reach anyone on the phones , if you remember , so I just turned around and took a flight right back to France . " " No , I 'm pretty sure it 's not . It 's just . . . you do look familiar . You work on TV . Maybe I saw you there . " Steve shook his head again . " No . This is my first actual job in front of a camera , and I had to work hard to get it . " Another dead avenue . But they had to have met . She had to have at least seen him somewhere . " So you 've been in France all this time ? " " Hardly . Ever since I finished high school I 've been roaming around here and there . Didn 't know what to do with myself . I spent a couple of years in Cambridge till I dropped out , then a couple of years at the Coll � ge de France , then a couple of years in a university in Belgium you 've never heard of . I had amazing grades , which is why they kept accepting me . But I was a bit on the wild side , which is why I couldn 't stay put . Then I just decided this wasn 't for me , and I started working at odd jobs in television , mostly in France . " A couple of years ago , though , I finally settled down a bit , and decided television was definitely the thing for me . I got accepted to the BBC School of Communications . I was old , but I had a lot of experience , so they took me . " But it couldn 't possibly be that . . . " When , when , when , " he stammered , then forced himself to stop . " When did you say you studied there ? " They had never met . She had never seen him . That 's not where the computer got his image from . But . . . But would they have met ? " No , this is the BBC we 're talking about . They take what they need , and it 's almost impossible to get in . There were ten of us . " " Oh , more than a few , that 's for sure . " Raised his hand . " No , actually , the really improper things came before London . " " I got into four quick - as - hell , crash - and - burn , born - to - be - smashed rebound relationships . The last one ended two weeks before the semester started . And during those two weeks I got my head straightened out . I had gotten her out of my system . There would be no more rebounds , no more trying to make up for what was . I was ready , really ready inside for the first time in my life for a permanent relationship . " And . . . You know how it is when you 're not in a relationship and you 're about to go to a new place with a lot of people , and you 're absolutely sure you 're going to meet some woman there . . . ? I mean , you know how you just know something 's going to happen ? " " That 's how I felt . I was so sure I 'd meet someone . And that this time she 'd be ' The One ' , the one I 'd spend the rest of my life with , the one who would be the prize for going through all those other relationships . " " Well . . . Yes and no . Yes , I met someone . She was also a student at the school . She was sort of my type , sort of . . . We did get married eventually . And I 'm sure that the main reason for my infatuation with her was because of my certainty that I 'd find ' The One ' there . " But feelings are feelings , they 're not facts . I felt I 'd meet ' the one ' when I came to the school . I treated it as a fact , and I went ahead and married the first woman I saw who actually came close . But my feelings were wrong . She wasn 't waiting for me there . Someone else was . I treated my feelings as facts and I got burned for it . " Tony couldn 't take any more . He looked at his watch , feigned being surprised , and ' remembered ' a meeting . He apologized profusely as he paid the check . " No , I understand , " Steve said . " In fact , I won 't be going back with you . There was some problem with the hotel , so we had to check into a place outside town called The Sunnyside Motel . Anyway , I have to check up on the crew . " Matt pressed a key . For a while , there was no motion at all in the familiar settings . Except for Steve , who was seated where Tony used to sit , looking at ' the camera ' with concern in his eyes , the room was empty . Suddenly , a car veered into the hospital room , and crashed into the far wall , behind Steve , creating a hole in the room . Tony almost jumped at the violence that shattered the inactivity . Smoke was coming out of the front of the car . Steve got out of the driver 's seat and looked at the ruins of his car . A tall and horrendously skinny and wrinkled man came into the room , and began to yell at him . Steve yelled back , clearly motioning for him to go back where he had come from . The man relented . Steve pulled out his cellphone and called someone . A minute later , he hung up , and dialed another number . While Steve was talking on the phone , the elderly man entered the room again , shouting at Steve , and waving a broom . " The old man 's new , too , right ? " Matt said . " Did Tony know him ? " Suddenly Tony , looking the way she did before she died , carrying totebags , came into the room , walking behind Steve . Tony , watching this , almost gasped . God , how she looked ! How true to life these images were ! Steve hung up the cellular and turned around , seeing Tony . The two talked like old friends . They knew each other , there was no doubt about that . And they were glad to meet again , too . Tony obviously asked him about the car . Steve explained . Then the conversation carried on with Tony and Matt unable to make out anything they were saying . But as they talked , they leaned on the hospital wall , and it seemed to Tony to mirror exactly the time he and Tony had met , the way they 'd sat on the hood of the car . Tony and Steve talked and talked and talked . Tony watched , his stomach turning . Then , suddenly , they were gone . The hole , the car , Steve , Tony - - everything and everyone were gone , and the hospital room had returned to the way it has always been , with Steve looking at the dying Tony . The entire scene had taken fifteen minutes . " How do you know ? " " Because ! " Tony turned around , exploding . " Because they 've never met ! In all the years they 've been alive , they have never seen each other ! And yet here he is , inside her brain , not someone who looks like him , not someone who may be him . But him ! At this age , the way he looks today , right down to the mole on his right cheek ! " " No . " Tony shook his head . " No . I just grilled him on this for the last hour . He 'd left the States before she was born . He came back once - - just once ! - - only to turn back immediately and go back to Europe . That was during the Paris riots , when Tony was in San Diego . And he 'd never been on TV till today . This is his first time in front of the camera . She couldn 't have possibly seen his face . Ever . Don 't you see ? " " Matt . . . The fact that he 's there , inside her head , is not because they 've already met . He 's there because they should have met . " Matt stared at him . " What ? " " Two years ago . She was going to go to the BBC School of Communications . He was there , at the same year , at the same time . There were only ten students . He was ready for a permanent relationship . She was ready to settle down . God , I know that well , because she settled down with me and for that she gave up on the BBC . " " Matt . You don 't know what an impossible fluke it was that Tony and I met . If not for the most unlikely circumstances , if it was a minute this way or that way , we would never have met . The computer is telling us that he - - that Steve - - that he 's the guy she should have been with . He 's the guy she was . . . " he trailed off . " There 's no such thing as destiny , and you know it . " Tony didn 't look at him . " Tony , you know there 's no such thing . " Tony looked up suddenly , shouting , " Then what is he doing in her head ? ! Her meeting me was just luck . At the school , she would have met him again and again and again , " he struck his hand desk each time he said ' again ' . " Until they would have clicked . . . . Until they 'd have married . And they 'd be married today . Because their bond is stronger . " " ' Their bond ' ? What bond ? ! You don 't know how strong their bond would have been , and you don 't know that they would even have had a bond . " " They would have had a bond , trust me , " Tony said petulantly . " Follow your own logic ! " Matt was standing up , furious at Tony . " Destined to be together ? Destined ? Obviously not , because she met you , and she chose you , and she married . . . " he blinked , then fixed his sentence , " and she would have married you ! " " You don 't know what a fluke - - " " I don 't need to know , because I 'm following the facts ! Destined to be together ? ! First she meets you and not him . Then she decides to marry you and not him . And now she 's dead . She 'll never be with him . She never was with him . You call that destiny ? That 's not destiny . There is no destiny ! There 's only blind luck ! " " Blind luck . Has to be . Given enough time , if we look at enough numbers , I 'm sure we could find any human face there . . . . Tony , " and his voice softened . " You don 't know that anything would have happened . You don 't know anything for sure . And you know that . " Tony made a face and said nothing . " She would have been . I know what kind of men she likes . I know what kind of man she 'd always dreamed of . I know who she 'd be attracted to . " " Well . . . even if you do , and I doubt it . . . But even if you do , you don 't know that he would be attracted to her . You don 't know what his type is , do you ? " Tony suddenly straightened . " That 's right . I don 't know . " And Matt saw that Tony had calmed down a bit . He missed the spark in Tony 's eyes , the spark that said : ' But I will know . ' Oh , enough of this , he told himself . I 'm pathetic . He got up . As he slowly drank his coffee , showered , and got dressed , Tony 's calendar was always there , nagging at him to see what she would have done today , where she was supposed to be now . " The women I 'm attracted to I like to call ' Inbetween Women ' , " Steve said . He and Tony had been sitting in Tony 's office with the door closed for the last two hours . It began with a conversation about Eternity Plus , and slowly degenerated into ' men talk ' . Tony took out some Bourbon , and the topics slowly grew more and more personal . " Women on the cusp , on the verge . Women that have a wild , wild side , but they also stand on the verge of order , of living an organized life , of becoming someone 's wife . The women who bind their hair real tight behind the back of their heads , and dress sharply . You know , to show you that they 're in control of the situation , that they control everything , and that you can 't control them . But the thing is , they need to show you this . Which means that it 's not real , they just want it to be true . " That 's why I usually like them when thirty , give or take a couple of years . They 're leaving the wild side behind , they feel this monumental need to settle down and to have an orderly life , a home , a husband , kids , sometimes even at the expense of what they really want , even if it means spending their lives with a man that they 're only marginally interested in . " " I think I know what you 're talking about . " " Yeah ? " " And then , two months before the wedding , she cancelled . They never told me exactly why , so I can 't be sure . From what I heard , I do know that she was worried because she couldn 't make up her mind about ' forever ' . She wanted it now but she didn 't know if she wanted it forever . " " Well , there you go . That 's just the right age . Unmarried women between twenty - eight and thirty - two , that 's just the right - - I mean , it fits the pattern . And god knows , I 've seen enough of - - " " Look , she 's not in love with your friend , or this wouldn 't be happening . If you 're in love , you don 't hesitate on ' forever ' . You want to spend the rest of your life with the other guy and you spend every day praying that he feels the same . She 's not in love . She loves him , sure . Or maybe even she doesn 't love him but wants to love him , because she thinks she should be attracted to him , because he 's such a successful businessman or something . She 's with him because she feels that this is it , that there 's no more time , and this is as good as it 's going to get . And the ' widowed ' thing . That 's just . . . Don 't you see ? She 's willing to compromise on this guy , she 's willing to spend the rest of her life not with a man she 's in love with , but she 'd be damned if she compromised and it turned out she was married to a man who wasn 't there . This ' widowed ' thing is very important to her . " But my point is this : Yes , she 's exactly my type . The fact that she actually had the guts to cancel the wedding that first time , that shows she has strength . That shows her wild side . She has a spirit . I mean , I like her already . She spends most of her days pushing that spirit back down . But , yes , oh , yes , I know this woman . I can recognize them miles away . " " So you 've met a lot of women like this one ? " " Yeah , because . . . This kind of behavior just drives me nuts . I always tell them , even if I don 't have an interest , even if I don 't want to be with them , go after your heart . If he 's not the guy for you , if he 's not the guy you want one hundred percent , then , damn it , don 't marry him . Don 't compromise . Tony , you have no idea how many women marry men they don 't really want that much , just because it 's that age , just because they 're so desperate to get married . " He was almost yelling now . He caught himself , and leaned back . " I 'm sorry . You have no idea how many times I gave this speech . You have no idea how many of my friends actually needed to hear it again and again and again until it sunk in : If you find no one better , then you find no one better . You 're better off . And , besides , sometime , somehow , you will find ' The One ' . Tony 's face was frozen . But he was able to feign an interested tone , " Does ' the speech ' work ? " " A lot of the times , yes . But it 's not really a speech . I mean , it drives me nuts that people don 't do what they feel . I 'm sure that if I felt that some woman is my ' one ' , nothing would stop me . Not my job , not society 's conventions , not my friendship with the man whose wife I 'm after . None of that . And if it was mutual , if we wanted to be together so much , then we should be together ! " If you meet a person , and you say to yourself that ' this is it ' , and I mean if this is it , then oh - my - god , it 's so rare , it 's so amazing , leap at it and stop at nothing . And there 's no reason in the world why she shouldn 't , if she feels the same . And if she feels the same but is afraid , then I 'll give her the speech again and again and again until she finally does what she wants . " He shook his head . Then he smiled , and said , " Here comes the real speech : Do what you feel ! Don 't do what you 've been told you need to do , don 't compromise , don 't do it because everybody does it , don 't do it out of fear of being alone or whatever . Do what you feel ! Follow your heart ! " Tony , whose eyes were focused only on Steve , raised them for a second , and saw Matt 's head peering in through the door . " I 'm sorry , I heard some shouting . " And Tony heard what Matt didn 't say : ' I wanted to see you weren 't making a fool of yourself . ' " Everything 's fine , " Tony smiled . " Actually , as much as it is a pleasure talking to you , " Steve quickly came to his feet . " And as much as we could spend hours talking about all of this , I did actually plan to work today . " " Sure . Matt and I have to work anyway on - - Anyway , what 's next on your agenda ? We 're giving you complete freedom here , as you know . " " And we appreciate that . I was going to catch a conversation with a couple of scientists at the cooler , but that 's not going to happen now . I have an appointment at 2 p . m . with your future wife . " " I - - uh - - " The pieces came together in his head . Steve hadn 't met her two years ago because she 'd met Tony . But now that he 'd met her and kept her in the States , Steve would have met her today , at 14 : 00 . One way or another , Steve and Tony were destined to meet . " Uh , Steve . . . " Matt broke the silence . " Tony 's wife . . . I mean , Tony 's fiancé , she . . . She 's deceased . She died . " " Sure , sure . " Steve and Matt left Tony 's office . Matt was the last to leave , and he threw a last glance at Tony . Tony didn 't look back . Matt shut the door . Tony stared at the door . If Tony hadn 't died , he would never have saved part of her mind on the computer , he would never have seen Steve 's face before he showed up on Eternity Plus ' doorstep . He would never have known that this man was dangerous . He would have sat right here , right now , talking with him like they were two old buddies , two men who experience the world in a similar way . And then , more or less right now , Steve would have stood up , looked at his watch , and said what he 'd just said . ' This could go on forever . But we 've set an appointment with your fiancé . ' Tony would have shaken his hand , and let Steve leave . Right now . Through that door . Tony stood up , touched the door in the same way he imagined Steve would have done , and opened it . Steve would now have been at the end of that corridor - - right there ! - - disappearing behind the corner . Heading for his car , no doubt parked behind the building . Tony turned on the car and drove through traffic . He ran into red light after red light . Eventually , he couldn 't take it , and just sped through . He had to get there before Steve . A siren from behind caused him to slow down and stop . While the cop was giving him the ticket , Tony imagined Steve 's car passing him right behind the cop 's back , right about . . . Now ! Tony reentered traffic . This time he was only met with green lights . He got to the driveway at one fifty eight . He opened the door at a minute - to . He came in , shut the door , took a few steps in , and stared at his watch . Tony would have been sitting over there , poring over her laptop , a cigarette in one hand , coffee beside her , probably trying to catch up with the latest editorials . Steve would probably have been punctual to the second . Ten seconds . . . Eight . . . Five . . . Three . . . Two . . . One . . . Ding dong ! He turned around . Tony would have gotten up slowly - - he followed her with his gaze - - and walked to the door . She would have shaken it confidently , then quickly led him in . He probably would already have recognized that she was his type . Tony would have told him to sit on the couch . There . ' Would you like something to drink , ' she would have asked . He would have asked for an espresso , which is what Tony had seen him ask for twice already . When she would have returned with a cup , she 'd have sat opposite him on the couch , as she 'd always done with new people . She 'd have put on her open - and - nice - but - I 'm - still - boss attitude . First , there 'd have been serious talk . But after a couple of minutes . . . There it is ! The first laugh Steve would have gotten out of her . And Tony ? She was sensitive . She would have sensed his attraction . And someplace in the back of her mind , she 'd have been flattered , especially by someone to whom she would have been attracted , too . And they 'd be looser now . The conversation would have flowed more freely . They 'd talk about the project and about him , but then he would have asked her about herself . And Tony guessed that he would have said something about himself , as well . And then . . . And then , of course , they would have gotten to speak of the BBC School of Communications . She was in television , he was in television . It was inevitable . And it would have to have happened in the first half hour of the conversation . Then there 'd have been a bond . About that . A small bond . And the rest of the conversation would have been about that . And time would fly . Then one of them would have looked at the time , and seen that it 's time to go . But the rapport would be there , and Tony would be more willing now to hold the interview in front of the ' camera ' . They 'd have set another date , and Steve would have left . Tony looked at the door , then back at the couch , at Tony 's ghost . How much time would she have needed to recover ? How much time would she have spent thinking about that man she 'd just left , about things that would now never be ? Tony sat down . Nothing . Nothing would have happened . Still , it didn 't have to be exactly that way . Maybe something else would have happened . Maybe . . . Ding Dong ! Tony opened his eyes . He must have fallen asleep on the sofa , fully clothed . He was groggy , as if he 'd slept for two days . His cellphone rang again . He stood up , took it out of his pocket , and looked at it . Only a quarter to six p . m . He didn 't recognize the number . " Steve , " Tony rubbed his eyes . The sun was beginning to set outside . The house was getting dark . " Hi . What can I do for you ? " " Yeah , yeah , I 'm fine . I was actually in an action flick for a second , with all that glass shattering . And I crashed into a washing machine , too " " Thanks , but I 'm waiting for the tow truck , and - - Hey ! Mr . Comic Relief , I 'm talking here ! " There was shouting in the background . Steve was yelling at someone , his mouth far from the mouthpiece . " Enough ! " Then his voice was louder again . " Sorry about that , " he said . " ' Mr . Comic Relief ' ? " " This guy here looks like one of those ridiculous characters from the Commedia Del ' Arte , Pantalone , I think his name is . All right ! " Steve shouted , clearly at Mr . Comic Relief , as hair on the back of Tony 's neck rose in a queer feeling of déj � vu . " Yes , I can see the damage ! We 'll compensate you ! Stop shouting ! I can see the damage ! Stop ! Shouting ! Go back in ! Go in ! " And then , his mouth clearly closer to the phone , he said to Tony . " Anyway , I have to wait here for the tow truck . And we have to see how much everything is going to cost , and I have to check if any of our equipment was damaged . So we 'll have to reschedule . Tomorrow morning , is that all right with you ? " " Um . . . Can I just . . . guess here . . . The color of your car . . . Is it . . . " he almost couldn 't breathe . " Is it . . . red ? " " Get it ready on the screen . I have to see it again . I 'm on my way . I 'll be there in a few minutes . " Ten minutes later , Tony parked in his spot in front of Eternity Plus . He half - ran through the front doors , and to the elevator . " Tony ! " A voice called from behind him just as the elevator doors opened . " The general meeting . " He 'd asked her to go through the usual routine . Whenever he felt it necessary to delay a general meeting , all he had to do was call a couple of shareholders and ask them not to come . And with a quorum not met , the general meeting would be delayed . " Everyone refused . They 're all coming . " " Yes . " That was the first time this has happened . Something big was happening and he 'd missed it . They were preparing for war . " All right . Thanks . Put the meeting back on my calendar . " " No , no . They want a war , they 'll get a war . " Just not the one they planned . " And make sure it 's on Matt 's calendar , too . " " Show me , " Tony said , sitting at his usual spot . Matt looked at him , then , seeing that look in his eyes , decided it was best to press ' Play ' . " Watch , " Tony said . " A red Ford . The same type of car Steve rented . Now he 'd just swerved to avoid a guy that jumped in front of him . " The car slammed into the wall of the hospital room . " See , first thing he does is call the tow truck . Fast - forward until he dials again . " Matt pressed a key , and Steve went through the motions at high - speed . He hung up and dials again . " Slow it down . " Matt did so . " Okay , now he 's talking to me . He 's telling me he can 't come to the interview Sylvia scheduled at six . " The old man walked in and screamed at Steve while Steve was talking . Finally Steve turned around , and shouted at him . " ' Hey ! ' " Tony mouthed , " ' Mr . Comic Relief ! I 'm talking here ! ' " Matt looked at Tony , jaw half open . " Look at the lips , look at the lips , " Tony urged him on . " Now he 's saying ' Enough , ' " Tony synchronized perfectly . Steve turned his back on Pantalone , and continued to talk to his phone partner . " ' Sorry about that , ' " Tony said . " ' This guy here looks like one of those ridiculous characters from the Commedia Del ' Arte , " Matt quickly looked away from Steve 's lips to Tony , then back again , astonished . The words matched perfectly . " ' Pantalone , I think his name is . ' " Now Steve turned back to shout at Mr . Comic Relief , who was shouting at him from behind . " ' Yes , yes , I can see the damage , we 'll compensate you , stop shouting . ' Now Steve gets really angry , " Tony said over some of Steve 's words . " ' Stop ! Shouting ! Go back in ! Go in ! ' " Mr . Comic Relief , shamed , left the hospital room . " See , now he 's talking to me , he 's canceling the interview . We 're rescheduling . " But this is where the similarity would stop , because if Tony had lived , he would never have seen this beforehand , he would never have tried to guess the color of Steve 's car . " Now watch what happens next , " Tony leaned forward . Steve turned off the cellphone . He waited a second , then turned around , and bumped into Tony , carrying totebags . Tony pressed on a key , and the image froze . " Steve 's accident was a bit before six p . m . It was into the laundromat at East 65th and 2nd Avenue . At five thirty , Tony 's calendar has her picking up her dress from Couture Brides & Belles , which just happens to be on East 66th and 2nd Avenue . That 's less than a two - minute walk away . She 'd try the dress on , see that it was perfect or see that it wasn 't , pack it or return it , talk a bit with the tailor and at around six she 'd head back for the car . Last time she was there , she told me about this great place that had cheap parking on 64th and 2nd , which meant that walking back she would have to bump into Steve . " Tony pressed the key again , and on the screen Tony and Steve came alive again . " I know . Now he 's telling her about the accident . See , she 's asking if he 's all right . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Now she 's offering to take him with her car . No , no , he says , I have to wait for the tow truck . Well , I 'll just wait here with you . He says no , she says yes , he says no , she says , ' That 's your tough luck ' , " in perfect synch ; she 'd always said that . " He finally agrees . " " Because , " Tony looked straight into Matt 's eyes . " Everything there just happened . Exactly the way it 's seen here . Word for word . Except for the part with Tony . I told you . I knew all along . She wasn 't supposed to die . And that thing , " he pointed at the computer , " shows the future . " " I 'll show you . " Matt turned his back to Tony and began clicking on his computer . Suddenly there was a single bed in the middle of the hospital room . Steve was sitting on it , reading a newspaper . " I 'll fast - forward , " Matt said . Steve began to flip through the pages at a ridiculous speed . Tony came in , dressed in a bathrobe , her hair covered in a towel . Obviously , she 'd just showered . Steve looked up at her . " What the hell is that ? " Tony said . " That 's not it yet , " Matt said . He fast - forwarded again . Steve and Tony began to talk , but also kept their distance . Tony sat on a chair that seemed to be part of their new room . A couple of minutes later , Steve got up from the bed and walked near the camera . " There ! " Matt said , and slowed it down to normal speed . Steve got even closer . " There ! " And Matt froze the picture . " What ? " " That 's today 's newspaper . Right down to the headlines and all the small print I could make out . " Tony looked at it again . He 'd dismissed it because he 'd recognized it . " That 's today 's newspaper , " Matt said . " Which we got from Tony 's brain more than three weeks ago . " " I . . . There can only be one explanation . There 's an infinite number of numbers . If you looked long enough , you 'd find any scenario , any newspaper , any possible person here , I 'm sure of that . We could just as easily find plays Shakespeare would have written had he lived longer . We just happened to find a possible scenario with today 's - - " Matt shrugged . " What other explanation is there ? That there 's something inside of us that knows the future ? That our ' destiny ' is ingrained into us from birth ? That 's . . . absurd . " Tony looked at the frozen image . " That 's today 's newspaper . That 's something that would have happened today . " " Steve and Tony would have met earlier today , at two , at our place for the pre - interview . There 's no doubt about that . They would have met again , four hours later , at six , after he crashed into the laundromat . There 's no doubt about that . So this hasn 't happened yet . But it 's supposed to happen today , that 's what the existence of the newspaper means . Where is this ? What is this ? When is this ? " " I . . . Well , having seen all this from beginning to end , I can tell you by the electric clock near the bed , " he pointed to it . " This entire thing here happens between 11 p . m . and one a . m . " " That 's where Steve is staying ! " Why would she be there , at his place ? She couldn 't have had a row with Tony and left . That 's just not possible . Even if she did , she wouldn 't have gone to stay with a complete stranger . What would she be doing there ? And then something about the times clicked in his head . At 7 p . m . today she 'd scheduled a prep for an exclusive interview with former NBA superstar John Binias . The man hadn 't shown his face in public since he quit so suddenly six months ago , and although Tony today couldn 't be sure that he was where he was supposed to be , it was rumored now in the papers that he was somewhere in New York , which meant that he was here , which meant that the interview would have gone on as scheduled . Tony had learned from him that he was supposed to stay at his grandparents ' house for three days and they had agreed to hold the interview there . Their house was an hour 's drive from the city , passing the Sunnyside Motel going both ways . In doing a prep , she always made sure it 's no less than two hours , to get the other side at ease with her , but she always made sure , too , that it was no more than three hours , so that whatever the man said to the camera did not sound rehearsed . Which meant that by ten p . m . at the latest , she 'd be on her way back home . Passing the Sunnyside Motel anywhere between ten and ten thirty . But even if she saw Steve there , even if she stopped to say hello , she wouldn 't have stayed over . The only way she 'd stay was if . . . if there was no way back . What if there was a traffic jam to end all traffic jams , what if the FBI , suspecting a terrorist attack or chasing someone , cordoned off part of the city , and there was no way back ? Then eventually she 'd call Tony , saying she 's stuck in this awful traffic jam . He 'd say , ' Yes , I heard it on the news , the entire city 's clogged down because of this whatever - it - is . ' She 'll say , ' When do you think it 'll be over ? I 've been sitting in the same spot for fifteen minutes . ' ' Who knows . ' And then they 'll talk a bit , but eventually he 'll either ask her or she 'll tell him without him asking where she is exactly . It wouldn 't be possible to have that conversation and not ask . So she 'll say , ' I 'm right outside the Sunnyside Motel . ' And he 'll say something along the lines of ' Why that 's exactly where Steve and the camera crew are staying . Why sit in the car until the middle of the night when this thing will probably be over ? They 're nice people , they 'll probably agree to have you over for the night . You don 't need the aggravation . ' And she 'll agree . And Steve will volunteer his room . And for all this to actually happen , something else must happen today , something that would clog down the city and create a jam outside it at a time that would have put Tony right outside the Sunnyside Motel . So they 'd spend the night together . And . . . What ? " First they eat something . I think it was leftovers from what he had . Then she takes a shower . Then they talk and talk . They talk for almost the entire time . It 's boring to watch . Then she sleeps on the bed , and he sleeps on the small couch . And that 's it . " Tony stared at the frozen picture . Then , after a minute , he looked at Matt . " They talk and talk ? " Matt nodded . " Does he yell ? " Matt sped forward at ten times the normal speed . The entire time , clearly deep into a conversation , the two of them sat about three yards apart ( Steve having sat back down on the bed ) . Finally , as Steve 's gestures seemed to grow bigger , he stood up from the bed , Matt slowed it down to normal speed . Tony looked at his gestures . He was definitely yelling . And the color of his face . . . Tony leaned back . " The speech , " he whispered . " Dammit ! " He kept watching the silent speech as Steve got more and more heated . And then Tony noticed that Matt was looking at him and not at Steve or Tony . It took him a second to understand . He froze the picture and looked at Matt . " You found more , didn 't you ? " " What ? " But Matt just looked at Tony . " I 'm not sure you want to see them . " And the look in Matt 's eyes caused Tony to take a deep breath and lean back , fighting back panic . Maybe later . " Tony thought for a minute , then straightened his back , bracing himself . " What 's in the other one ? " Matt hesitated . " It can 't be worse than that . Show me the other one . " Tony bent closer and squinted . Presently he said , " You 're right . The nose is different , and the hair 's straighter than Tony 's at that age , and the color 's slightly different , too . But if you hadn 't told me - - How 'd you know ? " Matt pressed a key , and the girl sprang into life again . From the other corner of the screen , Tony emerged . She was a few years older than today , nearing her forties . Tony 's heart felt like it just squirted poison into his system . Tony was coming at the girl with a big smile and open arms . The girl ran towards Tony and leapt into her arms . The girl called something out when she jumped . Both of them had seen that word enough times to read her lips without a doubt . She 'd said ' Mom ' . " Oh , my god , " Tony whispered . " Oh , my god . She 's destined to be their kid . " Matt shut off the screen and moved his chair in such a way that he was now facing Tony . " Tony , " he said . " Tony , " he touched his knee to reach him . Tony looked at him . " Tony , you have to know that this can 't be . This isn 't true . " " It doesn 't matter . A man ejects millions of sperms into a woman , and each has different genetic material . There is no way - - there is no way ! - - that anything inside the brain can even remotely come close to predicting what a child would look like . There are millions and millions of possibilities . There is no way that what we just saw with the kid is true . There is no way that their wedding is true . There is no way that the meeting at the hotel is true . There is no way that any of this is true . If only for the fact that she 's dead . This thing does not show facts . It does not show the truth . She 's dead , Tony . She is dead ! " " She was supposed to be with him and not with me . " Tony looked as grief - stricken as he had looked at the funeral . It was as if he 'd just lost Tony all over again . " No ! You have to think of it like this : How can it be ' meant to happen ' if it didn 't happen ? If it can 't happen ? " " And besides , " Matt said . " Even if she was alive , there 's no way all this could possibly happen . Even if , for the sake of argument , there were ten more coincidences a day , even if they met six more times a day each day until the wedding . Even if she was deadly attracted to him , even if he thought she was the love of his life . You don 't leave your upcoming marriage a few days before the wedding for a ' maybe ' . You don 't leave for a ' hopefully ' . You don 't even leave for ' The One and Only ' . Because you can 't really know if he is ' The One and Only ' , you don 't really know if you can live with him , or if he isn 't still in love with his last girlfriend , or if he 's not crazy , or if the two of you won 't get on each other 's nerves after a month . You don 't know and you don 't leave . Marriage is a decision for life . You don 't go into it lightly , and you don 't back out of it lightly . " Tony was slowly coming out of it . " Yes . " " Not this close to the wedding , " Tony said again . Maybe if it had happened a few months ago , then she wouldn 't have had a problem . But the two wouldn 't have met then - - correction : they hadn 't met then . It was already a fact . For her to leave him so close to the wedding , she 'd need a catalyst . And the catalyst would have to be him . He 'd have to do something awful that would drive her into Steve 's ready arms . And what could he possibly do ? Not only would he not do anything awful , he 'd always intended on being on his best behavior . He had declared from the start that he would do anything Tony asked , that he would appear at whatever tailor or hairdresser or whatever - other - wedding - chore that Tony would decide he should go to , and that he would prove to her once and for all that he wouldn 't let the job widow her . And it was so close to the wedding . There were now six days left . And it would be impossible . And tomorrow it 'd be five days , and it would be more impossible . And the day after , it would be harder still . And the day after that , and the day before the wedding , the day of the rehearsal wedding would be - - And suddenly it sank in . The general meeting ! It wasn 't at all what he had thought . In his mind , he ran through the last month as it would have been had Tony stayed alive , now that he had all the facts . On the evening before the accident , some of the shareholders produced a letter inviting all the shareholders of the company , including Tony and Matt , to the general meeting . On the next morning , if Tony hadn 't died , he would have gone on to the office as usual . He 'd have seen the letter , and would certainly have noticed that it fell on the day before the wedding . He 'd no doubt think that this was a mistake - - they did , after all , know about his wedding . But it wouldn 't have worried him . Why should it ? Confident that it was a mistake , confident that he could move the meeting whenever he wanted , he would have left off delaying it to the last week before the wedding . In the meantime , he 'd have felt pressure from the different venture capital funds , but he would have acted just as cockily as he had these last few weeks . He wouldn 't have noticed the stench of war in the air . Three days before the meeting , he 'd have given Sylvia the usual task of making sure a quorum was not met . But Sylvia wouldn 't have succeeded . The general meeting would not have been delayed . And Tony would then have realized how serious their intentions are , and he 'd also have realized what he hadn 't realized when Sylvia had talked to him a few minutes ago - - that the date itself was a snub against him , that they had intended to make it hard on him . And he wouldn 't have a choice but to go , or else he 'd lose his job and , worse , lose control of his life 's work at Eternity Plus . He would have had to go . Tony would have had to live with it . The meeting would probably start late , just to spite him on this day . And even though he would no doubt win , it would take hours , and they would make sure to make the meeting as long and excruciating as possible . And all this time he would have been at his job and not at the rehearsal wedding . By this time , Tony would have known Steve for five days . And after a million coincidences and after a thousand chance meetings , after ' the speech ' had been drilled into her every day , Tony himself would have shown her that he would widow her during their marriage . And it would be too much . Steve was right : To be with someone she didn 't love as much as he loved her , added to the fact that he would never be there ? She would go to Steve , and live with Steve , and marry Steve . Tony noticed that Matt was talking to him . " Tony ? " There are things that you know . There are things that are set . There are things that are true . " You just went white . " They should never have even met . It was a fluke . It was a billion - to - one shot . It should never have happened . |
It was a big surprise to me when The Pioneer Woman and her husband Marlboro Man , Ree and Ladd Drummond , dropped into town to pay a visit ! Those of you who don 't know who they are can find out by watching Ree 's show on the Food Network or visiting her blog here . Ree also has several cookbooks out , and they are all good ! My favorite is her most recent cookbook , A Year of Holidays , in which she covers recipes for all of the holidays throughout the year . Pioneer Woman is also a show that my eight - year - old grandson , Michael , watches avidly ( who 'd have thought ? ) , and so when I had previously bought several of Ree 's cookbooks I ended up letting him choose one of mine . Ree has also written a children 's book , and I tried to talk Michael into letting me get that for him instead of the cookbook , but he was not interested . He liked the pictures in the cookbook , and wouldn 't you know ? The cookbook of mine that he chose was my favorite , the holiday one . Oh well , he 's my grandson - I can deny him nothing . Joel , my son and youngest of my children , decided he wanted to take me on a trip to Eureka Springs , Arkansas as a late birthday present for me . I saw a lot of beautiful Fall scenery , went up into a high tower , and toured the town . Joel wanted to tour the town 's haunted hotel , the Basin Park Hotel . The hotel hosts a normal " ghost " tour , but since Joel had already been on it , he decided to take me on the tour himself . But the tour was fun , anyway , and even though we didn 't get to see any ghosts , the history is really interesting . The elevator wasn 't put in until 1905 ( using it kind of scared me ) , and the whole place smelled like most really old buildings smell , so it added to the nuance . The hotel was originally a fine hotel , and I tried to imagine what it must have been like in its glory days . They still even accommodate guests , and have some nice rooms , but the overwhelming smell alone would deter me from that , not to mention that everything in the building now creaks and pops . If you 're in Eureka Springs sometime I would recommend a visit to the Basin Park Hotel . Later that evening my daughter and her family , Joel and I went out for Joel 's birthday celebration at a game place called the Lokomotion . Joel and my son - in - law Bobby enjoyed some go carts while the rest of us worked on earning lots of tickets so Mickael could get some great prizes . Afterwards we went to a buffet to eat ( my favorite thing to do ) , and the whole evening was a blast ! Since I am so behind and didn 't even update some of my far away family members on what everybody here has been doing , I 'll be trying to post a catch - up post this weekend . I hope all of you are doing well and staying warm , and that you are loving life ! Share this : FacebookTweetEmailPrintMoreLike this : Like Loading . . . Iowa Travelers 14 Tagsdaughter , Dog , Family , family visit , grandchildren , Iowa Earlier this month we were treated to a nice visit from my daughter Emily and her family . They were on a trip from Iowa and we were also able to visit with Emily 's husband Jay and their children Gianna and Brisbane . The children hardly noticed City Boy and I were there , because they and our dog Lucy zeroed - in on each other from minute one . We always enjoy our visits with Emily , Jay , Gianna and Brisbane , and always hate to see them leave when they head home . Seems like it 's a little too quiet afterwards ! We 're looking forward to seeing them again next time they are down this way . TagsBeginning photography , Family , Father , flower photographs , flowers , Home , Mother , nature , nature photographs , Parent Dad has always taken a lot of pride in his yard , and Mom has always loved their flowers . As time passes and they are in the Winter of their lives , they are getting nearer and nearer to the day when they will have no choice but to say " No more . " It 's part of life , just like the flowers , but when Dad and Mom are gone I have a feeling the yard will know it . Tagsbaby , baby photographs , baby photography , Dog , Family , miniature schnauzer , Missouri , road trip , Texas , Travel , Traveling Last weekend City Boy and I ( and , of course , Lucy ) had the pleasure of being able to visit Frank 's family in Texas for Easter weekend . It 's a long drive , but Lucy rides well and loves traveling . I , unfortunately , don 't travel well . So , a few hours into the seven - hour trip I started doing goofy things to stave off the boredom . Ah , finally in Texas ! I think this was at the Welcome Center - I was so mind - numbingly bored by the time we arrived here that I was almost in a coma , so I didn 't even ask what this place was . I was just elated to be here ! City Boy took this opportunity to take Lucy out of the truck , and Lucy was elated , too . As I mentioned earlier , Frank has lost quite a bit of weight lately , and it shows . A shopping trip for smaller clothes was in Frank 's near future - I 'm proud of him . This was SO worth every excruciating minute of being on the road to get there ! I 'm not good at traveling , but I remind myself that the destination is what matters ! I really enjoyed being able to see Frank 's family , and Steven and Becca were fantastic hosts to us during our stay ! We also stayed one night with Frank 's daughter Melissa and her family before heading back to Missouri . Thanks so much , Becca , Steven , Robert and Melissa for your hospitality - we hated to come back home ! TagsFamily , God , Godly , Holidays , Marriage , Valentine , Valentine Day , Valentine 's Day For Valentine " s Day it seems fitting that we talk about our Valentines . But , there are many , at least for me , and I would have to write a post that spanned almost forever . But it seems fitting that I tell you a bit more about my main Valentine , the man I roped in was lucky enough to have marry me . Frank and I were actually a set - up . A friend now of 40 years had moved to Texas some years back , and her husband had this friend from work … well anyway , you get the drift . I lived in Missouri and did not want to be involved with anyone who wasn 't also from here . But , I was talked into letting my friend give Frank my email address . He contacted me , and next thing we knew we were talking on the phone every night . Then he asked me if he could meet me in person . I said okay , and about a week before Frank was to arrive here I was surprised with a delivery of beautiful flowers from him . I met him for the first time at the motel he was staying at , we went out to dinner , yada yada , and he started traveling to Missouri every other weekend until we decided that it would be so much easier if we got married . Okay , so that was just the condensed version of our life before marriage . I moved to Texas and we lived there until we moved back here after all of our kids were grown and pretty much on their own . There was a lot of stuff that happened in between there , but that would just make the story too long . Why is City Boy my Valentine ? Aside from the obvious ( I love him , I 'm married to him , etc ) there are a lot of memories that come to mind that exemplify the kind of person he is . Well , for one thing , shortly after we were married he and I were told I was going blind , and he didn 't tell me adios . I really didn 't think on that as much until I got into a support group full of blind people who had experienced their spouses leaving them when they were going blind . Frank isn 't the romance king that sweeps me off my feet and rides off into the sunset with me . He is the wonderful man who will come home from a long day at work and have stopped on a whim and picked up my favorite drink from Sonic . Or be in the store picking up something he needs and just happen to spot something that I had mentioned in passing days ago and pick it up for me . It 's the little everyday things that endear him to me , as well as the occasional really big ways of showing me how much I mean to him , such as moving away from his whole family and lifestyle to where we live now where I am closer to my aging parents . Or nursing me through one medical crisis after another . Putting his faith in God and trusting him when things got rough . Letting me sleep in when I 've had a bad night and calling me later to let me know he is thinking about me . The big stuff and the every day stuff both show me that he thinks about me and loves me , and that he is a kind , decent , godly man . I could have done a lot worse , but I certainly couldn 't have done any better . God is good , and He knew which one of His servants to send into my life to keep me in line . Despite Frank 's rather gruff exterior , he is anything but . And I 've told him I 'm glad he likes being married to me , because he 's stuck with me . TagsDog , Family , family photograph , family photography , Humor , miniature schnauzer , nature photograph , outdoor photography , Photography session , Scarlet Fever , Sunset , winter sky , winter sunset This week has been sort - through - all - the - photos week . Some I went through were very old ( like the ones in a previous post I made about my dad ) and some have been taken as recently as this week . I thought I 'd post some of my " finds , " but keep in mind that I did not say that all of these pictures were filled with the expertise that you have come to expect from a stellar photographer like myself ( okay , stop gagging - I was being sarcastic ) . I found some pictures from a family photo session of my parents and brother from a little ways back - in - the - day . I know a bunch of old photos of people you don 't know aren 't usually all that interesting , and these were done in 1991 . But I found them kind of comical and I just had to show them to you . These were done after my older brother and I had left home and had families of our own , so it is just my parents and younger brother Perry in the pictures . My brother was an average sweet baby , and then ended up with a bad case of Scarlet Fever when he was very young . Back in those days Tylenol and Children 's Motrin had not been invented , and high fevers like that had to be brought down any way possible . So , the high fevers left Perry with some damage to his brain . Scarlet Fever exists today ; they just call it a form of strep and give out antibiotics and fever reducer . My own son had it as a kid . But back in the day when my brother was little , it was a much bigger deal . When my brother was around 5 he was labeled " retarded , " which was the actual clinical label they used , along with " mentally retarded " ( ugh ) . Fortunately nowadays , they use much less demeaning terms , such as " Special Needs . " Anyway , that 's the only sad part of this post - flash forward about 25 years and back to how this applies to why Perry reacts certain ways to photo sessions : At an early age , Perry began to realize that he hated the flash from a camera ( who can blame him ? ) ; he didn 't understand the flash , and so many pictures of him show him reacting to just that . Nope , not this time either . This looks like " My Name Is Earl . " On the third try ( some sort of record ; it usually took more times than three ! ) a picture of him with his eyes open finally emerged . Next were the family shots . As each progressive picture is taken with Perry 's eyes closed in them , Mom 's expression gets progressively unhappy . Dad , on the other hand , looks great in all of the pictures ! Finally , the photographer gets a shot in which Perry looks great - eyes open , pleasant look on his face - perfect ! Except that Mom has finally lost total interest in even looking at the camera . Woops . Anyway , I thought they were funny ( guess you had to be there ) ! Here 's another set of photos ( not very good quality ones taken by me ) from when I moved a full - length mirror into the living room and Lucy saw herself for the first time . The mirror is directly in front of where she is staring … A week or so ago I tried to get a picture of the sky one evening just when the sun was slipping down . When you live in town it 's hard to get a decent picture of that because of my number one nemesis in photographing outdoors , power lines and power poles . So , I captured a few pictures , one out my back door and one out my front door , of what little of the sky did not have power lines or poles , or rooftops . I 'm really pumped to go a little ways out of town and take some really nice pictures of trees and sky - but ( sound of whining ) it 's cold ! I 'll muscle some fortitude up one of these days soon , because there are really pretty sunrises and sunsets to be photographed ( assuming I can get my butt out of bed to do the former ) . Tagsbaby , baby girl , children , daughter , Family , granddaughter , grandson , husband , photographer , Photography , son , Valentine Day A few times in this blog I have mentioned my other daughter , Emily , who lives in Iowa with her family . She couldn 't wait to get away from me here in Missouri so she ran away to Iowa . No , I 'm kidding . I don 't think she hates me at all . Emily is a full - time student in nursing school , as well as holding down a full - time job in a pharmacy , as well as being an integral part of a family of four ( whew , that makes ME tired ! ) . She has a husband and two adorable children . And we 're exactly alike . Well , maybe not exactly , but we have a lot of similarities . We 've even got pneumonia at the same time and are both trying to shake it . Even though we 're miles apart , we share everything , lol . Gianna is Emily and Jay 's four - year - old daughter . Ugly thing . She hates people and bites and spits . No , kidding again . Actually Gianna doesn 't seem to know a stranger , and she 's a pretty little girl . Like her grandma . No , kidding again - she 's pretty like her mother . Jay , Emily 's husband , is a photographer who runs Amaroo Dreaming Photography . And , he took the picture of Gianna over there . Here he is in a picture with Gianna - he 's the one with the beard . Last but not least , there is Brisbane , Emily and Jay 's two - year - old son . He doesn 't know a stranger , either . And he and Gianna can make a toy out of anything . Last time they were over at my house they entertained themselves for the longest time when they found Lucy and then found my kitchen towel . A fun time was had by all . It 's a beautiful thing when your son - in - law is a photographer - that way you know you 're going to be seeing lots of great photographs of the family because photographers carry their cameras everywhere with them . Well , nearly everywhere . I am looking forward to sharing their happenings and photos on here in days to come . Becca 's Precious Baby is still having trouble letting her mommy go when it comes time for Becca to go to work . Becca said it is so hard emotionally as well to put Precious Baby down when she has to go , and I can see why . Who could easily give up holding someone so precious , let alone when they just don 't want to let you go ? It 's easy to forget the days when our babies are little and helpless and sweet . They grow so fast , and those memories become harder and harder to bring to mind . Why is it that we can remember things that we 'd rather forget like it was yesterday even though it happened years ago , but wonderful things tend to fade ? I can remember clutching tooth and nail to hang onto all the memories of my young ones - I took countless pictures , kept countless mementoes , and did everything I could to keep the sweet memories from fading . And yet , they did . But , I can remember every single time someone called me " dumb " as if they were standing there doing it right now . Why on earth is that ? Our minds are funny things . They are very fearfully and wonderfully made , except we just don 't seem to be grasping how to work them fully . If we did , the power to do marvelous things would be awesome . This evening right before dark City Boy let me take a picture of him . This is like , something that never happens , so I have to take advantage of it when it happens . So , he was in a good mood when he got home from work , and here he is . Tahdah ! Wouldn 't it be a hoot if , after all this reminding on here , Frank didn 't get me anything ? I mean , I am pretty subtle , so maybe he won 't get the hints . The texts I 've been sending , the notes on the bathroom mirror , the Valentine heart candy on his pillow every night . You think I 'm TOO subtle ? My dad was born in 1924 . As long as I 've been alive that 's what we 've been told . Now suddenly , just here lately , he 's been insisting that he was born in 1925 . By all accounts , from what we 've been able to look up in any records we 've been able to find , his birth year is 1924 . But we 're not going to tell him . Most of my father 's life , before he met my mom , was as part of a struggling farm family . There were five children in the family , the age range between the oldest and the youngest being 20 years , and my dad was right in the middle of that . The family didn 't have a lot , but they made the most of what they had . When my dad was finished with high school , he decided he wanted to go to college . He worked and went to college at the same time while also sending money home to his family to help them out . He was the only one in his whole family to graduate college . It 's easy for me to see why my father was the workaholic he was . While I was growing up , Dad would go to work all day and then come home and work in the garden or yard until sundown , then come in for supper . He didn 't relax much at all until he got much older . But , growing up , Dad was exactly the same . He spent most of his growing up years working . Times were hard and his family was poor . Dad 's sisters talked about a time one night when they were getting ready to fix supper and went to the pantry to see what they had to work with . When the dinner bell rang , everyone gathered around the dinner table and were served cream peas and chocolate pie . That 's it . That 's what ingredients were in the pantry , and that 's what was for supper ! One of Dad 's sisters acquired an old record player and a record , which she played over and over constantly . There was only one song , and it was called " Yes , We Have No Bananas . " Over and over , any time the sister was home . One day their dad suddenly stood up and , without a word , walked into the sister " s room . He ripped the record off of the record player , opened the window , and through the record out . The record was ruined , and nobody had to listen to " Yes , We Have No Bananas " any more ! Dad 's grandfather was a very active guy , so much so that he actually died in front of a live audience . Back in the day , they wrote news reports very differently . Since Dad 's grandfather was apparently a politician of sorts , the newspaper printout was both a news article and an obituary . I included the article along with the photographs in this post because I find this old fashioned kind of news writing rather comical ! Why , only the day before , poor Grandpa had been " grubbing " on his farm ! What a sad way for such a " staunch Republican " to die - only to be hauled off from the meeting by the " undertaking parlor " to be prepared for burial . A fun day was had by all ! I 'm not laughing at the fact that this man died , just more by the way the article was written . I 'm guessing that 's just the way newspaper people wrote articles back in that day . It would be interesting to have been able to see the date of this article before it got worn off . I 'm not sure whether it was before or after college that Dad did his stint in the Navy . It was before he met my mom , and before he had started teaching . All I know is that once he finished college , he had a teaching certificate under his belt and later went on to teach and also was a school principal . That is so laughable , since I recall a time when Dad told me that teaching junior high girls in Sunday school scared him . Guess getting older makes one a little less bold . Well , I thank you all for letting me take you on this stroll down Memory Lane . Actually , it 's more a memory thing for my dad , since I really wasn 't around for any of this part of Dad 's history . And since today didn 't bring me any new pictures of Becca 's Precious Baby or Daniel 's Angel Baby , I had to fill in and work my way up to showing you SOMEbody 's baby ! Tagscaregiver , diabetes , disabilities , disability , elderly , emergency , emergency care , Family , insulin reaction , insulin shock , Mother , Parenting , Stepdad , Stepfamily , type 1 diabetes It 's a gloomy day here , and not conducive to being outside , since it 's cold . So , it 's a good day for being inside telling stories . Really , you know if it were snowing , or sunny , or both , I would be out taking pictures of it . Well , maybe not - I 'm feeling pooky today . Anyway , there was this boy - well , he was nearly a man , but a teenager , so in - between a boy and a man - and he had this step - dad who he thought was an old fart . Stepdad was gruff , kind of rude , and sometimes mean , at least as far as the lad was concerned . More than once he asked his mother , " Why do you put up with that from him ? " Yet , Christmastime rolled around and Stepdad produced , out of the clear blue , tickets to the historic last game at the Cotton Bowl stadium before they built the new one . He had really wanted to go , but the tickets were sky - high , so he wasn 't really expecting to . Stepdad said he didn 't want to go to the game with him , but that he could take a friend of his choice . And then Stepdad took them to the stadium , handed them a cell phone , and came and picked them up after the game . The next Christmas the lad received a shiny new black electric guitar , and a set of learner 's books so he could learn to play it . One day Stepdad was at work in another town , and the house was quiet . The lad slept - in , and so did his stepbrother . The only other person home was his mother , so it was a quiet morning . The lad finally decided he was hungry - after all , it was close to noon - so he got up to go to the kitchen and see what was in the pantry . As he was walking by his mother 's room , he saw her laying on the bed watching tv . The thing that sent the lad reeling was that his mom was laying there naked . " Whoa , " he thought , turning around quickly and heading down the hall . " I guess it 's her house , if she wants to lay around and watch tv like that . " In the kitchen the lad noticed the lid off of the cake pan , and a fork sticking out of the cake . " Dang , " he thought , " doesn 't anybody know how to put stuff up ? " He knew his mother would be livid if she saw that . She hated dried - out cake . The lad was getting a box of Pop - tarts out of the pantry when he stopped and stared at the cake , lid askew , fork sticking out , crumbs all around . There was even a bite of cake that had been dropped and left on the counter . And suddenly , something about this morning - his naked mom who had never been seen that way , the cake sitting out when it was never left that way before - something just didn 't seem right . The lad thought for a minute . Then he decided he wasn 't going to take the heat for whoever left the cake out , so he walked back to his mother 's room , where she was still staring at the tv . He tried to avert his eyes , since she still hadn 't gotten dressed . " Mom ? " he said quietly . No answer . " Mom ? " a little louder this time . Still no answer , no movement . That lost feeling began to creep over the lad - he and his mother were close . " MOM ? ! " The lad walked up to the bed and began noticing little opened bags of candy , medical pills for low blood sugar , a tube of opened glucose gel , all laying around and beside her . It was obvious she had tried hard to save her own life . He was sure she was dead , but began shaking her and yelling her name anyway . He heard a noise come from her , and that was all he needed . The lad ran into his stepbrother 's room , in a panic , yelling . The stepbrother was annoyed , and yelled back . Finally , he heard the words , " ambulance " and " Mom " coming out of the lad 's mouth , and sprang up and grabbed the phone . When the stepbrother had called the ambulance , he went back to his stepmother 's room and realized that the situation was far worse than he had imagined . The lad was on the bed with his unconscious mother , desperately trying to get her to swallow some sort of gel in a tube . He seemed oblivious to anything else . Both young men were sure they had been too late . It was the look on her face . The blank , clouded - over stare , the all - too - pale skin . The stepbrother escorted the ambulance attendants in when they arrived . Both young men waited in the living room - it was too hard to watch . The lad finally walked back to see if there was even a glimmer of hope . His mom was still laying there , unresponsive , staring blankly . The ambulance attendants had thought to throw something over her , which was something he had been in too much of a panic to think of . The lad called his stepfather , who was four hours away . His stepfather was the calm in the storm , and reassured the lad that he had done all he could do , and that it was now in God 's hands . The lad walked soberly back into his mother 's room , in front of his mother 's blank stare . As suddenly as taking a breath , the lad 's mother moved her eyes . The blank , cloudy look disappeared , and his mother began looking around . The lad blinked back a tear , and relief swept over him . His mother was having trouble coming back around , so she was loaded on the ambulance and taken to the hospital . Later that day , the lad 's mother was back home , resting comfortably . The insulin reaction that she had endured was severe enough that this time she hadn 't come out of it as quickly and it had left her exhausted . Other than that , she was going to be fine . The lad hovered around the rest of the day , checking on his mother frequently , until his stepdad arrived home . The lad now understood the fear his stepdad lived in every day , wondering when the next round was going to happen . His mother could be fine one minute , and at death 's door the next . He wondered often how much longer his mother could have lasted if he had not gone down the hall and found her . Now everywhere the lad 's mother goes she carries a whole arsenal of supplies to avoid this same scenario repeating itself . Even at home , there is always a steady supply of things to stave off an emergency . And the lad has been taught how to give his mother medical treatment , should this ever happen again . So far , it hasn 't - his mother has been able to use her arsenal to take care of the situation before it gets out - of - hand . The lad and his mother are closer than ever now . And the lad has gained a new respect for his stepdad and they are now close as well . Sometimes things happen for reasons we don 't always see right away . Okay , so that 's my story for this gloomy , cold day . My storytelling ability is not all that great , but this was the story as it was told to me . The lad happens to be a good storyteller , so I just wrote it the way he told me . Well , maybe with better grammar . Even though my son was doing what any son who loves his mother would do , I have still always been extra grateful to him for stepping in the way he did . Frank had , unfortunately , had to save me from the brink on several occasions as well , but never to such an extreme . Frank is also a calm , wise , adult man , and has not had to work around being a scared kid . So , that 's the story of my two heroes . My daughter is actually a hero as well , but she doesn 't like me talking about her , so I have to settle . I strive every day to not put anybody through that again . I am mercifully oblivious to the fear that comes from living with someone who has volatile health issues , since I 'm usually not really with - it when things like this are going on , so I try to be understanding of other people 's worry and fear . At any rate , those who are in the position of taking care of someone else , either a child , an adult , an elderly person , are heroes . Heroes . Mom has always thought I looked exactly like my dad 's side of the family . To some extent , I do . I have certain characteristics that definitely appear to be from that side . But I have always thought that I looked more like my mother . Granted , I don 't have the same classic beauty that she does ( as evidenced here ) , but I have some of her characteristics . Mom , on the other hand , thinks I look nothing like her , not even a little bit . Even Dad thinks I 'm a healthy mix of both of them , but Mom seems to be very opposed to that idea . For a long time I took it as a testament to her love for my dad ( she wanted me to look like him ) , but then the more I thought about it the more I began to wonder if she wasn 't just appalled by the suggestion that plain Jane me could look anything like her . Oh , NOW who 's getting neurotic ? Granted , my family has members who are …… different , and my parents can sometimes rank in that category ( never me ) , but I can 't decide if this little lack of agreement between my mother and I should be taken as praise or if I should be insulted . I 've never asked her because I know if the latter is true she wouldn 't admit it to me . She 'll take it to her grave . My aunt brought out some pictures of my mom when she was young , and even my aunt pointed out the similarities between Mom and me . So , next time I saw Mom , I mentioned that " in passing " to HER . She didn 't say a word . Who could dispute photographic evidence ? It 's not like Photoshop existed in 1945 . So , the mini - debate still silently goes on . It doesn 't bother me or anything - I just thought it was , well , interesting . Maybe only to me . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
While you were awake is about the mystery of a young girls 's murder . The story follows the investigation of two police detectives and the secrets that are unearthed as a consequence . Note : This is purely fiction Posted on November 30 , 2015November 30 , 2015 by Benjamin Young Hazel opened her eyes . It was dark and she couldn 't see anything . Her head was pounding . She closed her eyes back again and for what seemed like a few seconds opened it back again . Her vision was blurry . She couldn 't make out her surroundings . Her head was still pounding and there was a numb sensation in her left hand . There was a buzzing sound in her ears , she couldn 't remember where she was or how she got there . Her vision cleared . It was bright . The room white , she was on a bed . She looked at her hand . There was an IV tube attached to it . It connected to a bag full of clear liquid . She was in accident , she remembered . She was probably in a hospital . She tried to sit up , but her head pounded furiously so she lay back down . She tried to remember what had happened . A car ran them off the road . She remembered Her and Toni screaming , then that was it . Oh my god Toni , she thought . Was she alright ? And how had they survived ? " Oh no honey lie back down . " Maria Stuart said rushing to Hazel 's bedside and gently applied pressure to Hazel 's shoulder forcing her to lie back down . " The doctor says you have a concussion . You need to rest . " " Good , very good . " Doctor Kent said . " Do you remember what happened ? " He said turning off the light and placing it back in his pocket . " Okay . " Doctor Kent said . He held out his finger . " Follow my finger with your eyes . " He said moving it from side to side . Hazel obliged . After a few seconds he put it down . And wrote in a chart . " Well you have a concussion so it 's normal to be tired . " Doctor Kent said . " We did a CT scan , found wrong other than a concussion . You were very lucky . " He wrote some more in his chart . " I 'll get you some aspirin for the pain . " He left the room . " Oh , I 'll go get her . " Maria Stuart said . " She has been here all day . " She left the room . A minutes later Toni walked into the room looking perfectly fine . There was a grim look on her face . Toni laughed . Her worried look disappearing momentarily . " That 's because I am indestructible . " She joked going over to Hazel 's bed and giving her a hug . " How are you feeling . " she asked still holding her . " I was here all night . " Toni said . " In the morning I snuck home to get a change of clothes and I came back . You were asleep the whole time . " James sat in his desk looking at the ceiling . He knew he should be feeling elated . The case was solved but all he felt was an emptiness in his chest . He would have never guessed his partner was the one who murdered Thomas Bridges and Jeremiah Gates . His mind went back o the previous night . When he received that card . He quickly put it together and rushed to his car , calling Jakes for backup . He was on his way to Corbin 's house when an accident was reported via radio occurring on Scheiman road . Following his gut , he took a detour there and found Hazel 's car in a gorge at the side of the road . He stopped his car and got down pulling his sidearm and flashlight out . He recognized Corbin 's black car stopped dead center in the middle of the road . Corbin lay on his back unmoving blood coming out of his head . Then he saw another blue car at the far side of the road . Then he heard some noises coming from Hazel 's car . He saw Three huddled shapes climbing out from the ditch . He shined a light towards the shapes and recognized them . Hazel was unconscious , and Toni and Jasmine were supporting her from both side . By then he was already hearing the ambulance sirens blaring . " Lay her on the floor then . " James said . Toni and Jasmine lay her gently on the floor . Jasmine reluctantly put her hands up and James moved in and cuffed her . " What happened . " He asked Toni , who still looked shaken up . " Detective O ' Brian ran us off the road . " Toni said . " He got down from his car and was about to shoot us when Jasmine hit him with her car . Detective , He killed Tom - " " Yeah I 'm fine . " Toni said . The paramedics arrived . James looked at his partner lying down on the ground again . Was he dead ? He thought . He hoped not . He wanted answers . " I don 't know that 's the DA 's problem . " James said . " But he confirmed Corbin is Colby . Apparently Corbin helped do some dirty work , in return for cash . Jeremiah never met him . " " Oh that won 't be necessary . " James said . " We have our killer . We caught him last night . He was trying to kill your daughter . " " You saved your friend 's lives . " James said . " You could have made a clean getaway , but you stayed . That shows there is still something in you so do this for them . Not for me . " " You are really terrible at speeches . " Jasmine said . She stood up . " Let 's see , I met Alex last year . " She said . " He helped me set up the account I used in my dealings , He also gave me the info that Morraine Heathway was embezzling . Was instrumental in framing Jeremiah , and he helped keep Tom off my back . Well he tried anyway , I had to steal his computer to erase some files he gathered . " She finished . " You 'll never find him anyway . " " He is a drifter . " Jasmine said . " The reason he helped me was because my dad saved his life in the army . That was what got him killed . " " You told me something in that church . " James recalled . " ' While you were awake ' . That verse your father taught you . Do you think this is what he had in mind ? " " Not exactly . " Jasmin said . " And you told me you were speaking from experience when you told me memories stay when people die . You never told me who it was . " James stared at her for a moment . Then he turned and started walking . After a a few steps he turned around to face her , and opened his mouth . " My mother . " He said . Then he walked away . Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . I mean he is like two hours away so I guess we will see . But the funeral is tomorrow , so he isn 't leaving until sunday . " It was the next day . Thomas Bridges funeral was today . James thought to how this crazy chain of events had started . It had all started with Carla Heathway . And just like a stack of dominoes , everything began to fall apart . He watched at Thomas ' family , The Bridges graciously welcomed everyone who had come . Ava Bridges looked different last time he saw her . He looked more , worn . Like she had carried the weight of the world on her shoulders . As he moved closer he noticed Toni was standing beside her . Richard Prescott was nowhere to be seen . " No problem . " James said . " I 'm sorry for your loss . " He nodded at Toni and walked inside . He remembered the last time he came to a funeral . He was with Corbin then . He looked around . It Had almost the same turnout as Carla 's . He took a seat and waited for the ceremony to start . James walked into Corbin 's room . Corbin was on the bed propped up , his left hand handcuffed to the bed . He had a cast on his right leg , and a bandage on his head . When he saw James he sat up . " Pieces of black paint was found on their car . " James said . " Your car showed signs of damage , and also , Toni saw you pointing a gun towards their direction . " " If black paint was found on their car , that was Jasmine 's doing . " Corbin said . " And as for the gun , I drew it out as a precaution . " " Hazel and Toni received a note from Jasmine identifying you as Bridges ' Killer . " James said . " I received the same from Jasmine too . They were on their way to tell me when you hit them . " " Stop lying . " James thundered . He calmed himself down . " I found an email correspondence between you and John Heathway . John Heathway . John Heathway confirmed you as the person that was helping him and Jeremiah . " " I didn 't just believe Jasmine . " James said . " I did the math . When Gary Stevens was murdered , I was at Bridges house . You left saying you had to take care of something . That was around the time Carla 's body was stolen . " " No , one of those druggies did . " James said . " We checked your call records . Jeremiah called you around the time Gary Stevens was murdered , that 's why you left . After I dropped you off at home , You drove down to the ME office , You stole those autopsy files , and cleaned up the scene before anybody else arrived . " " Actually I can . " James said . " We searched your house . " James pulled out a piece of paper . " We found stacks of cash that Jeremiah was obviously paying you , we found a compound similar to the poison used on Bridges ; I remember you were the first on that scene too , and the security footage for the day Jeremiah Gates died in his cell was recovered . It showed you stabbing him with a desk nail . And that 's just the tip of the iceberg . " James looked up . Corbin 's smile faded . " Funny how evidence seems to turn up when you know the right place to look . Where did you get the security footage by the way ? " " Really ? You are giving up just like that ? " James laughed . " I thought you were going to fight harder than that . " He stood up . " You are under arrest for the murder of Thomas Bridges , and Jeremiah Gates . You are going away for a very long time . " James walked out of the room . He didn 't look back . It was Three days later . Toni sat down waiting patiently , her fingers drumming the table nervously . She stared at the glass absently her mind recapping the past three weeks . She never thought all of that would lead here Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . I just drove around and ended up here . " They stared in silence for a few seconds . " So what is going to happen now ? " Jasmine shrugged . " I don 't know . " She said . " But they are moving me to a different facility tomorrow . They say this is overcrowded . " " Well I couldn 't let you die . " Jasmine said . " And I don 't need your forgiveness . I 've made my peace with everything . " " I could always tell when you lie . " Jasmine said . " Don 't try now . " She looked back . " My time is up . It was good seeing you . " She hung up the phone . The guard came and escorted her back inside . " Alright . " James said . " Just send over the paper work . " He hung up the phone . He sighed . Hopefully , this would be the last death in this town . She sat down on the bench waiting for her train to come . By her right a man had his head buried deep in a newspaper . One of the headlines said : ' Local murder mystery ends in death ' . She was disinterested . She had already heard that story . She looked at the date on the paper . It was a week old . After a while , the bus finally arrived . The man put down the newspaper and picked his bag . He headed towards the bus . The girl remained seated . She wasn 't in a hurry . She would get the next train . She picked up the newspaper and flipped through it . There was a section on dying hair . She stopped and looked at the various hair colors . She always wanted to try platinum blond . but it did 't seem like it would suit her . She touched her black hair , it had green highlights in it . She smiled at herself at the irony . An hour later another bus arrived . She put down the paper picked her bag . Her trip to Montreal would take a couple of hours . She missed New York though . She had only been there for a few days , but she had fun . It was better than boring Ottawa . She would definitely go back . She stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder , and entered the bus . She sat beside an old woman who was knitting . As she sat down the woman looked up . " Come on . " Corbin said coyly . " Don 't be overly sensitive . What are you working on ? " He stretched out his hand to touch Sonya 's computer . Sonya slapped his hand The line disconnected . ' Weird ' Corbin thought . He re - dialed the number . It rang . No one picked up . He hung up the phone . He grabbed his keys . It was time to take a trip . " But nothing . " Toni said . " Jaz killed Tom . She thought we were sleeping together so she killed him . Remember after he died and she was being all sympathetic ? That was just guilt . " " And at Carla 's funeral ? " Toni continued ignoring Hazel 's interruption . " Where she was being all weepy . That was the guilt talking to . " " Exactly . guilt . " Hazel said . " She didn 't mean to kill Carla . She told me so . And you know what , she could have killed me too . But she let me go . Why exactly would he do that ? " " Because she still has a heart . " Hazel said . " And that 's why she sent us this . " Hazel held up the card . " To get justice for your brother . " Toni folded her arms . " That doesn 't mean D . O stands for Detective O ' Brian . " She said . " It could be Dylan O ' Connell . " James brought out a picture of Alex and showed it to her . " But you have identified him before . You said he was talking to Thomas Bridges at the Gala . " " Just a minute . " Hazel 's voice rang from the second floor . Toni sighed and brought out her phone . Nothing like a good game of candy crush to pass the time . " I wanted to talk to Detective Ashwood about Jaz . " She said quickly . " I just remembered she has family in New York so she might be hiding out there . " " Yeah , it was just a thought . " Hazel said . " Anyway we were stepping out now . So - " She made to move out of the doorway but Corbin blocked her . " Yes I am sure . " Hazel said staring up at Corbin defiantly . " My butler is here by the way . And the chef is still in the kitchen . So if you need anything I am sure they will be happy to accommodate you . " " I don 't know anything about impersonating anybody . I just give him a job , and he gets it done . And as for the name thing , I don 't even know his real name . I just call him Markos . " Richard spread his arms wide . " Look around . This is what I paid him to do . Fix this . And he did . So if you are done asking me unnecessary questions , I am going to head home . " He picked up his briefcase and pushed past James . Jasmine packed her bags . She was leaving for good . She too one last look around . Oddly enough , she wasn 't feeling any nostalgia . She knew it was going to come to this when she started on this path . The slung a bag over her shoulder . Getting out of Harbor wouldn 't be easy . She had said all her goodbyes , given Toni the closure she needed , and now she was heading off to a new life . No more Zas , no more games . Just her . She took a deep breath and stepped out . It was already getting dark . James got back to the office and just sat on his desk exhausted . He thought his problems were over but there was another killer out there . Of course this could be another tick Jasmine is playing on them , but his gut told him she was telling the truth . And he never went against his gut . " Yeah , " Jakes said . " I mean the Jh is short for Jeremiah right ? First and last letters of his name ? And they are obviously talking about John . " " Jeremiah was the one that Zas had running around in circles " James said . " John was the one in contact with this Colby . Colby didn 't want Jeremiah to know who he was so when he found out . Colby killed him . " " He left a while ago . " Jakes said . " So how do we get John to fess up . We don 't have anything to charge him with . The only person who knew his drug involvement is dead . " " And he is a cop . " Toni said . " Look we can just drive down to Detective Ashwood house and just tell him . I think you are overreacting though . " " I am overreacting ? " Hazel asked . " Alright fine go . " Hazel said crossing her arms . " When you get attacked , don 't say I didn 't warn you . " " No wait . " Hazel said , quickly running to intercept her . " Okay how about this . We take my car and give this to James . " She held up the card . " Then we come back here and you can go home in the morning . " Corbin watched as the gate opened . A silver ford exited from the compound and drove into the street . ' Finally ' He thought to himself . He thought they would never leave . He waited until there was some distance between the car and himself . Then he put his keys in the ignition and turned it . The car roared to life . He thought about turning on his headlight then decided against it . He quietly drove after The silver ford . Of all the obstacles he thought . He would be facing , he didn 't think it would be three tiresome teenage girls . This was the last time he would underestimate anyone . He pushed his foot on the gas and accelerated . He had a deadline to meet . James got home and looked around his house . It was messy as usual . He dropped his keys on the table and took of his jacket . It was unusually cold this evening . He looked at his answering machine . There were a couple of messages waiting for him . He pressed play . One of them was a telemarketer . He deleted it . The played the second one . " Hey James this is Richard Prescott . " The Richard 's voice said . " I left a message on your cell , but it seems you never use that thing so I am leaving one here too . I think you were right and I may have trusted the wrong person . You and I should talk , I have some information that could be of value to you . Call me and we will schedule a meeting . " James sighed . His night wasn 't over . He dialed Richard 's number . It rang there was no reply . He decided to try Corbin 's number . It wet straight to voicemail . He hung up without leaving a message . He dropped his phone . Then he remembered he hadn 't checked his mail . With a sigh he went to his door and opened the cage . He brought out a handful of papers and rifled through them . There were a few coupons , His water bill . Then he saw a Green Envelope . There was no information on the sender , and there were no stamps meaning it was hand delivered . He opened it . It had a strange scent . Smelled like flowers . He sniffed it again . It was jasmine he realized . It smelled like jasmine flowers , meaning there was no doubt to who this was from . ' D . O killed Tom . ' It read . He was puzzled . Who was D . O ? He read it again just to be sure . Jasmine made it seem like he knew this person . Then a horrific realization set on him . It couldn 't be true . But he could see the pieces fall together . It all made sense . He grabbed his keys , and his gun . He had someone to confront . " Hazel look out ! " Toni screamed . Hazel look forward to see a dark car swerve in front of them . Hazel turned the steering sharply to the right . The side of the car scraped the bridge . He hit the brakes , but the other car was already beside them . It rammed into them again and Hazel 's car tilted dangerously over the edge . Toni was screaming . Out of the corner of her eyes , Toni saw a blue car approaching them . There was something familiar about it . The dark car hit them again , and they went over the edge screaming . " You know what I mean . " Maria said . " You didn 't go to school on Monday , or Tuesday or today . " She said . " You have finals coming up . " " Mom , I found out one of my best friends is a killer . " Hazel said . " I am just not ready to face everyone at school , so can I just get this week ? " " Promise . " Hazel said as her mom left the room . It had been days since she found out about Jasmine . The police had been looking for her , but she had disappeared . There was no sign of Ben either , but she hadn 't told anyone about him . Not even Toni . She had spent hours with detective Ashwood recapping everything Jasmine had told her . They found it suspicious that Ben had disappeared the same time Jasmine did . But as far as she knew they hadn 't put out an APB on him . They had found her car though . It was left on the side of the road . No damages , no scratches . Her phone rang . She picked it up and looked at the screen . It was Toni . She let it go to voicemail . She had been dodging her calls . She had come over a couple of times , but it had been kind of awkward . They just hung around in silence , didn 't talk much . Neither of them had brought up Jasmine 's name . It was like they had a silent pact not to ever speak her name . The phone stopped ringing . Hazel felt guilty . Toni was probably going through the same thing she was . She picked up the phone and dialed her number . It rang once . " Yeah his credit card was swiped at a gas ' n ' sip not far from here . " Corbin said . " You think he is helping his girlfriend hide ? " " It is possible . " James said . " But if he has been lying this long we 'll never get him to talk . It 's best we keep following him . " " True that . " James said . " Well so far Hazel 's story checks out . It doesn 't look like Jasmine killed Jeremiah . She was in school then . " " Yeah , but why would she lie when she was already blown ? " James asked . " I don 't know , there is something else going on here . " Jasmine set the remote on the table . She sat back and set her bowl of popcorn on her lap . She had seen this movie before , but it was the only thing on that was worth watching . She hated , motels , but they were a necessary evil . There was a knock on the door . Jasmine grabbed the remote and hit the mute button . She got up from her bed and looked through the peephole . It was a guy with a hard face and a beards chin . She knew him . That was Frank . She opened the door . " Who you think you talking to ? " Frank snorted . He handed her a brown package . " It 's all in there . Id 's , passport , Social security , a whole new Identity . " " Whatever . " Frank said . " Stay sharp . " He exited . Jasmine closed the door . She picked up the remote and shut off the television . It was time to blow this joint . Ben watched as the man with the bearded chin left the building . That was where she was . He waited until he got in his car and drive off . He was not going looking for a confrontation with him . He got down from his car and walked towards inside the building . He went to the receptionist . " Okay give me a moment . " She disappeared through a door behind the desk . Ben grabbed the records book , and began to search it , he didn 't expect to see her real name or Zas , but he knew the kind of aliases she used . His eyes caught a name . Pearl Harbor , room seventeen . That was definitely her . He closed the book and rushed upstairs quickly before she came back . He reached number seventeen . He was deciding whether to knock when the door opened and Jasmine stood in the doorway . Her eyes widened in shock and she grabbed him and pulled him inside , and shut the door . " Because I have been tracking your credit cards you moron . " She said . " If the cops had any brains , they 'd be doing the same too . " She grabbed her bag I am getting out of here . " You are lucky that was the only thing I broke . " She said angrily . She took out a thumb drive and tossed it to him . " There it is . " She said . " Goodbye Ben . " James listened to the address as Corbin turned and started speeding in the other direction . " Thanks . " James said after a while . " Secure the area , do not let anyone leave " He hung up the phone . " No one has left the building . " Bruce said . He pointed at a blue car . " That is Adrain 's car . They should still be inside . " " Backup ? They are a couple of kids . " Corbin un - holstered his gun and went inside , James behind him . He went up to the receptionist , and flashed his badge . " We are looking for a guy , white , jet black hair , green eyes , eighteen years . " " Let me see your records . " James said . She handed it to him and he flipped through it while Corbin described Jasmine to her . His eyes caught a name . There was a noise in the hallway . James peeked to see a figure in a hoodie get into an elevator . Long brown hair peeked out if the sides . " Stop ! " He yelled . He rushed to the stairs Corbin behind him . He got to the ground floor , pressed the button for the elevator and waited for it to open . After about a minute it opened . There was no one there . James looked around in confusion . Then he saw Ben running towards the exit . " Freeze ! " He yelled running towards him . He reached him and tackled him to the ground . " O ' Brian get Jasmine . " He said while cuffing him . Corbin ran back upstairs . Bruce came up and James handed him to Bruce . He ran after Corbin . They got to the hallway . It was clear . They started opening rooms . Then they heard a crash from one side of the building . They ran in the direction of the noise and found a broken window . Then they heard a ding and saw Jasmine in the elevator . She waved at them mockingly as it closed . " Stay here . " James told Corbin as he ran downstairs to intercept her . But when he got down stairs , the door was already opened and she wasn 't in sight . He went outside James went back inside and looked around . There was a service exit at the end . He ran to it and opened it . It led outside , to the parking lot . James exited and looked around , but he knew in his heart there was no use . She was gone . " Will do sir . " James replied . He left the office and headed for the interrogation room . This was all Bruce 's fault . It was his incompetence that let Jasmine escape . " Didn 't do anything ? " James snorted . " You helped a fugitive escape . Who is to say you haven 't been helping her this whole time ? " Ben hesitated . There was dead air in the room for a minute . Then Ben started talking . " Jasmine caught me stealing test questions last year . She started using that to blackmail me to do things for her . " " Drop bags at random places . I didn 't know what was in them until I opened it one day and found out they were drugs . " Ben said . " I didn 't know they were drugs . " Ben protested . " When I told her I didn 't want any part of it , she put those test questions they found in my locker , and tipped off the principal . " " Carla and I became friends after the test question incident . When she was on the run . Jasmine wanted me to keep an eye on her to make sure she was okay . " Ben replied . " No , that was Jeremiah . " Ben said . " Jasmine got her money back , but Carla thought Zas tried to kill her , so she ran . Jeremiah killed her , that 's what Jasmine told me . " " Everything you guys found that pointed to Jeremiah , Jasmine and I put it there . " Ben said . " The Van ? We moved that . When the girls came clean to you about the money ? That was my Idea , so it would lead to Jeremiah . Jasmine convinced me Jeremiah killed her . That bitch ! " Ben slammed his fists into the table . " Keith sat in front of his father 's tombstone . He reached into his backpack and pulled out a can of soda . He popped the lid and took a long sip . He set it down . " So Jasmine is still at large . " Keith began facing the tombstone . " Me and mum didn 't tell the cops we found the laptop in her room . They still figured it out anyway . But it 's only a matter of time before they find out . How long can she run for anyway ? " Keith turned to see Jasmine walking beside him , wearing a baseball cap over her head . Her hair was cropped short . " Jasmine . " He hissed . " What are you doing here ? " " No one is watching us right now , I made sure of that . " Jasmine said . " As for leaving town , I still have a lot of things to do . " " It 's a letter I wrote for your sixteenth birthday . " Jasmine said . " It 's corny stuff . " She pulled the hoodie over her head . " Take care Keith . " She ruffled his hair and walked away . Toni laughed . " I am going to college in the fall . I 'll hardly see him . " There was a few minutes of silence . Then Hazel broke the ice " She told me she applied for a scholarship last year . We didn 't know about it . Do you think we were bad friends ? " Hazel asked . " Don 't beat yourself over this . " Toni said . There was a knock on Hazel 's door . " Come in " Hazel called out . It opened and her butler walked in . " I don 't know . " Hazel said undoing the wrapper to reveal a box . Hazel opened it to reveal a picture frame . It was The four of them . Jasmine , Carla , Hazel and Toni . There was a note attached to it . " I guess it 's an apology or something . " Hazel said . " Wait there is something on the back of the note . " She looked out it and read aloud . " D . O . killed Tom . " Jasmine rolled her eyes in exasperation . " Come on Hazel , you can 't possibly be afraid of me . How many times have we been alone together ? " Hazel continued screaming . Jasmine grabbed a piece of cloth and stuck it in Hazel 's mouth . " Will you just shut up . " She said crouching at eye level with Hazel . Hazel 's screams were muffled coming from the cloth . " I just want to talk . " " No , you are the one who as brain damage . " Hazel said angrily . " How many people have you killed huh ? Three ? Four ? And that 's not including those who you tried to kill . " Hazel looked around her . She was in a room , with only one window . The walls were musty and there were cobwebs in the corners . " Where are we ? " She asked . " Yes you did . " Hazel said . " John told me about all the drugs . So you are him right ? Zas ? I bet you killed her because she was onto you . " " I don 't really know . " Toni said . " I saw her at school , but we were fighting that day , so I didn 't see her for most of the day . " " She was with Hazel for most of the day I think . " Toni said . " I remember Hazel mentioning she spent some time in the chemistry lab with her . " Jasmine pulled up a chair , turned it backwards so the back rest faced Hazel and sat down . " Okay , let me start from the very beginning . Last year , I was in desperate need of cash . So I sold a couple of pills . " " Yeah I bet it makes sense now right ? " Jasmine said cocking her head to one side . " Anyway I burned through my brothers pills . completed my project , but surprise surprise , I didn 't win it . " " Because I didn 't tell anyone . " Jasmine said . " Anyway , I knew I had to make my own way through college , so selling those pills gave me an idea . " " Okay I didn 't become a drug lord . " Jasmine said annoyed . " And It wasn 't just for me , it was also for my brother . Don 't make judgments you entitled piece of - " " And he didn 't duh . " Jasmine said . " He just thought I was speeding . I told him I had a tough test coming up . So he bummed me some , and I studied it , and came up with a whole new formula . " " So , I got the formula right , made the drugs and delivered it to the only drug dealer I knew . Jeremiah . " Jasmine said . " He didn 't know who I was . I was leaving it like gifts in his car , storage locker , and he paid me using an offshore account I had access to . He never had a clue who was doing all that . " Jasmine said smiling . " I actually felt bad - ass . " " Few months ago , Carla found out what John was dealing with Jeremiah . " Jasmine continued . " I didn 't care , it wasn 't my problem until she started sending me messages . So she got on my nerves so I told Jeremiah to cut John loose . Jeremiah did , but Carla still wanted me to stop dealing all together . . So I tried to give her a scare . I jumped her when she alone at night . But she didn 't stop . Her and Tom went after my lawyer . " " See a while back . " Jasmine continued . " I knew I had to have a reasonable explanation for where I was getting that money . So I hired Moraine Heathway as my lawyer to set up a trust . " " Cause I had dirt on her . " Jasmine said . " She was siphoning money from her client 's trust accounts so I blackmailed her into helping me . " " Don 't jump the gun . " Said Jasmine . " She found out her mother was helping Zas , which was a name I used to communicate with Jeremiah and sometimes Carla . So she and Tom started stealing files to try to uncover my Identity . Fortunately , I used an alias , John Smith . But unfortunately that helped her find my account , and she had Tom hack it and steal all my money . " " Fifty Grand . " Jasmine said . " It wasn 't all of it , but still that 's when I got mad . By then , Jeremiah was tired and wanted out , but just like Carla , I had a lackey , who had been helping me collect dirt on Jeremiah . " " Not important . " Jasmine said . " Actually , very important , but I am not sharing . So I tasked Jeremiah with getting it back for me , but he failed , so then I quietly suggested to you that we go to Newport for spring break . " " The money was in one of them . " Jasmine said " So I told Jeremiah to search her room , just to make him feel like he was doing something , then when we had spent a few days in Newport , I texted Carla to give me some face time at the Gala . I had Jeremiah set that up . " " Yes . " Jasmine said . " I searched her bags and found the money . But I didn 't take it , ' cos that would have made it easier to figure out it was me . So I stayed quiet for a few days planning my move . Then I told Jeremiah to join me in Newport . " " Gold star . " Jasmine said . " So I lured him to the house and clubbed him over the head . I had my lackey take pictures just to be sure I had evidence of him in the house , I went upstairs to get the money , but Carla was there . " " No . " Jasmine said . " I was dressed in a hoodie . I tried clubbing her on the head too , but I missed . There was a struggle , and Carla got away . " " No , she left it there . " Jasmine said . " I knew it was a matter of time before she called you guys , because she obviously thought I was trying to kill her , " " No , I just wanted the money . " Jasmine said . " So I changed , and by the time I was done , you and Hazel were getting home . " " Yeah . " Jasmine said . " So when Carla called and told us about the money , I thought , who better to hide it than , Hazel . The girl who sucked at hiding things . Really ? In the cupboard in your basement ? That was too easy . " " Damn straight . " Jasmine said . " I only had one problem . Carla was still out there running from nothing . Luckily , I had my lackey keeping a close eye on her . " " I am not the monster you though me to be right ? " Jasmine smiled . " We were in the forest then . At the spot she used to meet Ben . So after I finished , that bitch told me she couldn 't take it , and told me to turn myself in . " " Yeah she was . " Jasmine said , her face blank . " I could see it in her eyes . She tried to get away , but I couldn 't let her leave . " Jasmine said , her eyes beginning to water . " Not without trying to explain . So we struggled and for a moment , I got angry . Just a tiny moment . Enough time to bash Carla 's head in the tree . And again . And again . " Jasmine shook her head wiping her eyes . " No , I told him it wasn 't me . " Jasmine said . " I texted him from Carla 's phone asking him to meet so he could find her there . Then I called Jeremiah , and told him what I had done . And just one tiny part of me wanted to make him suffer , so I told him I framed him for it . Then he went all psycho , stole her body , and killed the ME in the process . " " He was still sniffing around trying to find out who I was . " Jasmine said . " So the day he died , I went to his house with every intention of killing him . I mean , I figured , why can 't I do it again , right ? So I broke into his apartment waited for him , but I changed my mind . " " Well , I didn 't want to be a killer . " Jasmine said . " So when he walked in I clubbed him in the head , and stole his computer . I don 't know what he had , but it definitely wasn 't my name , I checked . So I left him on the floor and went home . " " The van he used to steal Carla 's body , I stole it from where he buried her and put Carla 's phone in there . " Jasmine said . " I wasn 't going to let Carla 's body rot in the back of a sawmill factory . " " He is an entitled brat who sells drugs , not because he needs to make money , but for the fun of it . Why not ? " Jasmine spat . " Okay first of all , I didn 't steal the money . I was simply taking back what was mine . And I knew leading the police to the money would lead them to Jeremiah . " " No . " Jasmine said . " Someone did kill him . The person on his payroll . " Jasmine got up from her chair and looked out the window . It was getting dark / outside . Jasmine shifted uncomfortably . " Well , when she found out I was the one who killed Carla , she tried to turn me in . " Jasmine said . " I without thinking , I hit her , and she fell . There was blood everywhere , I thought she was dead . So I buried her in the woods . Apparently I was wrong . " Jasmine reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone . They had completely surrounded the building . They had scanned the area and found nothing but one old abandoned house in the forest . Hazel 's red sedan was nowhere in sight . But there were signs of movement in the house . " This is the only place they could have gone . " James said . He took out a bull horn . " This is the police . You are completely surrounded . Come out with your hands in the air . " A few seconds later , a figure emerged from the building . It was a girl , she walked slowly putting her hands up . The light hit her face . It was Hazel . Posted on October 30 , 2015November 1 , 2015 by Benjamin Young " Where did you get this ? " Hazel gasped . " When you said you had something to show me I never knew It would be this big . " Keith glanced at John for a second . " Yeah that 's the thing I - " Keith started , but before he could finish , all of a sudden , there was a flurry of activity in the graveyard . Men in uniforms flooded everywhere telling them to put their hands up . They obliged . The police handcuffed three of them . " You gave us quite a chase Ms Stuart . " James said , as Hazel sat before him in the interrogation room . " I was surprised when you were not in school . Then I checked Carla 's phone . She has that find my friends and family app . And there you were with a known fugitive . With a possession only Thomas Bridges ' Killer would have . " " Yesterday , I talked with Carla 's Killer . " James said . " The location of that call was coming from your house . This was about Four . pm . " " Really ? " James said . " Let me give you a recap . John and Jeremiah were drug dealers . Someone was supplying drugs to Jeremiah but he didn 't know who , that person happened to know his every moves , and where to leave him the drugs . John conveniently happened to be at his side through all that . That person finances were being represented by Moraine Heathway , who just happens to be John 's mother and lawyer . We caught Jeremiah . who claimed that person killed Carla Heathway . John saw Carla that night . Jeremiah committed suicide this morning , but I am beginning to believe your friend played a hand in that . Moraine Heathway was found yesterday . She had disappeared on Wednesday night the same night John did . She was buried alive but managed to climb out . She is in a coma now . Tell me , when John came to your house how did his clothes look ? " " John said he wanted to find put who was framing him . " Hazel argued . " That 's why we were in that graveyard . Keith said he found something " " And that something happened to be Thomas Bridges ' Laptop . " James said . " Do you know Thomas gathered evidence of Carla killer on his laptop ? It is password protected so we ares still trying to get into it , but did you consider he was only following you to destroy that evidence ? " " Well maybe he killed Carla but didn 't kill Thomas . " James said . " Or maybe he did , but he stashed the laptop it somewhere and Keith found it . Let 's talk about the money Carla gave you . I assume John knows his way around your house ? " " Anyone who is sick enough to kill their sister , their own blood is capable of anything . " James snapped . He took a deep breath and regained his composure . " You are lucky we found you when you did . He could have been planning on killing you both after he destroyed that laptop . " He stood up . " Your parents are waiting for you outside . You are free to go . " He left the room . He left the room . He sighed a deep breath of relief . The case was over . They had caught the bastard . " Well , he lawyered up . " James said . " So It 's probably going to be a brutal trial , But we definitely have him . " James said . " As soon as we get into that laptop . We will have more proof . " " Probably . " James said . " She was probably already going to , that is why John probably killed her . " They looked in the window where John sat . He was looking unremorseful with a stone cold expression on his face . " Ah , perks of catching a killer . " Corbin said . " I am heading to the hospital . I 'll call you if there are any developments . " " Jaz , have you seen this ? " Toni asked Jasmine as she ran up to her . She showed Jaz her phone it was a text from Hazel . It read ' SOS ' . " I got a text from my mom . " Jasmine said . " She said , my brother got into some sort of trouble with Hazel . Told me to come home straight from school . " " If you are in your thirties and not yet married you would be too . " Jasmine said . She looked at her watch . " I think I am going to cut last period . I don 't want my mom to know I didn 't come straight home . " " We are still working on that . " James said . " But there is nothing from the ME 's report that says he didn 't commit suicide . " " That 's fine . " Jones said to James as he was standing up . " Let me talk to him . " He walked out the door . As James left Jones office his phone buzzed . James looked at the screen It was from Corbin . " Beats me . " Hazel said bringing out shoes . " He just called me and said he wanted to show me something . I can 't think about that right now . " " Not exactly . " Hazel said opening a suitcase . " She crawled . Out . Of . A . Grave " Hazel said punctuating each word . " She is in hospital right now . " " So , I am pretty sure John is innocent . " Hazel said . " I have known him almost all my life . He wouldn 't go homicidal on his whole family . " " I know , but what if someone else was here ? " Hazel asked she diverted her eyes to the side of the room . " Who else was in here yesterday ? " She asked , thinking hard . Jasmine bent down and picked something up . " My dad was here , you told me - " Hazel murmured and Idea starting to form in her head . " The laptop Keith found . " A horrific realization began dawning on her . " Your suitcase is going to fall to the ground . " Jasmine said breaking Hazel out of her thoughts . Hazel turned towards her bed to put it upright and then , she felt a sharp blow on her head . Her head felt dizzy and she turned around to see Jasmine wielding her hockey stick . Jasmine struck again and then everything went dark . She looked fragile and pale . Her head was bandaged . She was laid on the hospital bed the heart monitor beside her bed beeping normally . James nodded to the two guards in front of the door . They let them in . " Mrs Heathway . " James said gently . " Can you talk ? " He asked . Moraine Heathway winced , and nodded . She tried to sit up but Corbin put his hand over her . " So it 's a chick that has been whacking people this whole time . " Corbin grinned as James sped towards the Green house . " Now that is much better . " " Damn . That 's right . " James said . " See if we can get in touch with Hazel Stuart or Toni Peters . Corbin dialed a number and called the station giving out specific orders . " Exactly . " James said , as they arrived at the house . There were police cars already surrounding it . James and Corbin came down holding up their badges . " Oh if you want one we can get it . " James said . " A warrant is being issued for your daughter 's arrest as we speak . Now if you are harboring a fugitive - " The doorbell rang . " Alicia , door . " Toni called out . No reply . She sighed in frustration and got up from her bed . She walked down the stairs towards the door . The doorbell rang again , and this time accompanied with a knock . Jasmine secured Hazel firmly . Hazel was still unconscious . Her mouth was already covered with duct tape . She checked again to make sure she was still breathing . She was . Jasmine tied her legs firmly too . Hazel began to stir . Jasmine checked all the windows and made sure they were airtight . She looked at Hazel 's phone . She had turned it off before they moved anywhere She put it in her purse . Hers was turned off too . Hazel was still trying to stretch . Jasmine re positioned her to make her more comfortable Hazel opened her eyes . " Well it seemed Jeremiah was his only dealer . " James said . " We tried picking up John Heathway , but he too , has disappeared like his mother . We 'll have to just scout the streets now , see if there is any similar products being pushed around . " " Just doing what I am told . " Alex said . " Came here to investigate Moraine Heathway . We have enough evidence to charge her . " He put his right hand in the air and waved . " See you around . " He turned and left . " Maybe he isn 't the person you knew . " Toni said absent - mindedly as she studied the buildings on the side of the road . Hazel continued talking but Toni wasn 't listening . " Yeah but , I could have sworn I saw John had Jeremiah a roll of cash . " Toni said . " I wasn 't sure at first but now after all that 's happened - " " What ? You came to the same conclusion too . " Toni said . " Remember Carla 's grandmother ? She left a bunch of money to them . What if John - " " I don 't know it 's like bad horrible thoughts are coming to my head . " Toni said covering her face with her hands . Then she removed them from her face abruptly . " Where are we ? " " So let 's call him . " James said . He picked up his phone and dialed a number . " Sonya , I am about to call out . Trace this call . " He hung up . He dialed the number on the paper . It rang three times . Then someone picked up . " Don 't patronize me Detective Ashwood . " Zas said . " There is only one person who has this number and that person is dead . So you obviously got this number from her phone , which is in custody of the police . " " Nah . " Zas said . " I am out of business . I don 't need to tell my side . Besides you are tracing this call right ? So we should be having some quality face time very soon . " " Call me whatever you want Detective . " Zas said . " I am just someone trying to provide for my family . I am sure you can understand that . " " Just trying to get an accurate read . " James said . Corbin came back signalling a thumbs up . " But our time is up . Looking forward to seeing you . " " Oh I 'll be seeing you alright . " Zas chuckled . At the background a door slammed shut . The line abruptly cut . James turned to Corbin . " No I didn 't . " Toni said . She pulled out a book and handed it to Hazel . Hazel flipped through it . It was an album . In it was a young blonde who looked a lot like Toni , holding a baby . There were other pictures in the album featuring those people too . Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . " She faltered . A man was walking towards the building . Dark hair , muscular , average height . " That guy seems familiar to me . " " Who ? " Hazel looked up squinting . She stared at him for a while . " I don 't know him . " She turned on the engine . " We better get going . Jaz is probably waiting at my house . " " It doesn 't matter . I can make her go away with this . " He shook the folder . " By the way heard you went undercover . How did you manage that ? " " I have friends everywhere . " Alex said . " Guy who makes fake badges , another guy who will make fake phone calls . It just takes a network . " " Well , tip of my hat to you . " Richard said writing in a checkbook . " The world needs more PI 's like you . " He ripped off the check and handed it to him . " Yes . " James . " And not just my reputation . This person must have heard me speak a number of times , to be able to recognize my voice . Even over the phone . Which means I have come in contact with this person . " James groaned in frustration . " The coroner will tell us what we need to know . " He said after a while . " So we are back to square one ? No leads , nothing ? " " Right here . " a voice said from her bedroom . Hazel went into the house and found Jasmine on her bed with her computer in front of her typing something . " Because I didn 't hear about that until now . " Jasmine said . " And remind me to ask you why Ben is feeding you information after I tell you this . " It was dark outside . Rain was pouring A woman crawled through the mud . There was nothing but forest around her . She was covered head to toe in dirt , which was normal considering she had climbed out of a shallow grave last night . She was exhausted , dehydrated . She was sure she could not survive another night without medical attention . She could feel her heart pounding weakly and her chest heaving , struggling to breathe . If only she could find the main road . After crawling for what seemed like centuries , her hand hit the pavement . She saw a vehicle approaching with bright lights down the road . She half - stood up and waved with all her strength . " Help ! " She called out weakly . The car didn 't slow down it sped past her . She collapsed to the ground and her eyes began to fade . Before her eyes closed , she saw the car slowing down and then stopping . Then slowly it began to back up . She fell into oblivion . He was driving that night . Rain was pouring heavily on his windshields . Suddenly a car with bright lights came out of nowhere and slammed into him . Everything went dark for a moment , then suddenly he was back home in his room . The house he grew up in . His parents house . There was some noise in the living room . The lights in the hallway was bright to his sleepy eyes . He heard his father 's voice shouting . It was like a ringing sound in his ears . His mother 's voice pleading quietly . He found them arguing in the living room , his father drunk as hell , his mother cowering under him . For a moment he stood in the doorway . When his parents noticed him , the shouting stopped . His mother went to him and scooped him up . ' Daddy is just angry ' she said . ' go back to sleep everything will be fine in the morning . ' As she put him to bed . James woke up with sweat drenched on his body . His phone was ringing loudly . He picked it up . " Apparently not . " Corbin chuckled . " A woman fitting Moraine Heathway 's description was just checked into St James hospital . " Corbin said . " And get this , she was covered in dirt . " " Yeah . " Corbin said . " She is fine , just some dehydration , and exhaustion . " Corbin said . " Actually she is in a coma right now . We can 't see her until she comes out of it . " " Some good Samaritan found her at the roadside . " Corbin said . " But we can 't do anything right now . Guess we will have to wait till morning . " ' Everything will be better in the morning . ' James thought bitterly . Those were the last words his mother ever said to him . In the morning , she was found dead . " Just a second mom . " Jasmine replied as she packed her books into her bag . She slung her bag over her shoulder and opened her bedroom door . Keith was standing there clutching a backpack . " The were childhood friends . " Toni scolded . " His parents lived next door to hers before they moved to their new house . Same with the Heathways too . " " Okay sorry . " Jasmine mumbled . " I gotta get to class . " She walked towards the other direction . Toni watched her go . Her phone buzzed . It was from Hazel . She picked it up . " I am taking care of some things . " Hazel said . " I 'll be there by fourth period . Just tell Mrs . Glass I went home sick . " " Right here . " A voice said from behind . The turned around and saw Keith Green standing behind them leaning on a tombstone . " Why did you bring him ? He is wanted by the police . " He asked . " So where is it ? " Hazel asked . Keith motioned for them to follow him They obliged . They followed him to a small building . Keith ducked under the gate . He entered the building and after a few seconds reemerged with a back pack . He opened it to reveal a silver laptop inside . " The location of the recipient , It turns out it wasn 't at the location I gave you . The recipient simply rerouted it there . " Sonya said . " It started almost a year ago . " Jeremiah said . " I was making my rounds when I found this package in my car , with a note taped to the front . It said ' try this . ' I opened it and found two capsules green in color . I thought it was from one of my buddies , so I tried it , and it was amazing . I mean I have never done anything like it . It was like my brain cells were super sharp and - " " Well obviously I wanted to know who sent it to me , so I went to John . " Jeremiah said . " He said it wasn 't him . So I kept looking around but I couldn 't find the person . The two days later I received a call from some guy , and he asked me if I liked his gift . " " It was deep , almost resonant . " Jeremiah said . James motioned for him to continue . " So he asked me if I wanted more , and I said yeah so he sent me another package this time containing about thirty capsules . I sold that pretty quick . Then after that he sent me some information on a link to deposit some money , and i return he would send me some more . " " Three grand . " Jeremiah said . " So I found the package in my car again and in good faith I sent the money to him , because I wanted more . " " Yeah . " Jeremiah said . " He would drop the packages in random places and I would send him money . Of course after a while he required a down payment first , and the packages became bigger . " " Well , It wasn 't just me selling the drugs . John helped too . We were kind of partners , but about six months ago , Carla found out John was dealing HPC - that whats we were calling it - So she threatened to out him to his father unless he stopped . So we became more secretive . But we didn 't know she was still watching us . She even rented an apartment that overlooked one of our dealing sites . " " Yeah , that 's the one . We caught on so obviously we moved . But she kept watching , even asking her boyfriend to spoof our phones . That 's how she found out about Zas . " " Yeah I did . " Jeremiah said . " But it wasn 't enough . Carla wanted HPC , off the market , so Zas decided she was too much trouble . " " He attacked her . Gave her a good scare . " Jeremiah said . " But Carla didn 't scare easily . She continue doing what she was doing , Using her boyfriend to get information on Zas . I don 't know the specifics exactly , but I think Zas was a client of Moraine Heathway . " " Yeah , " Jeremiah said . " And that sucked too , because that was my payment . Zas told me to get the money back by all means or I will suffer too . By then I was tired , and I wanted out , But Zas had a lot of dirt on me that could bring me down . I tried to reason with Carla but she didn 't listen . " " Bits and pieces . " Said Jeremiah . " When they were going on their trip I filled him in hoping he 'd search Carla 's room for me . " " Yes , reluctantly . " Jeremiah said . " But he didn 't find it . Which means she took it with her . So Zas set a plan . He told me to lure her back to Harbor . While he had someone search the beach house in Newport . " " Yeah , I said Zas wanted a face to face with her at the Fairway gala . She couldn 't refuse that . But she just found me there . " " Actually he didn 't say . After Carla returned to Newport he was silent for a few days . Then on Saturday he told me to join him there . " Jeremiah said . " Nothing . " Jeremiah said . " All I remember is a sharp blow to the head , and I am waking up on the floor hearing the girls come in . So I ran and got back here . Next day the girls came back . Said she was missing . " " Well , it was obvious Zas tried to frame me for her murder . After she was missing , He sent me pictures of me entering the beach house . Time stamped . The girls were even asking me what I was doing there when they got back . Apparently one of them saw me . " " Not anything I wasn 't doing before . " Jeremiah said . " Still selling for him . Then Saturday , John came to see me , told me he saw Carla in the woods . When I realized was alive , I told Zas immediately I wanted out . The next day they found her body . " " Yeah . " Jeremiah said . " So I figured my prints or something of mine would be found on the body , so I hired two guys to help me steal her body . " " It wasn 't supposed to happen . I don 't know which of them did it , but I was outside when all that happened . So when I saw blood all over them , I ran back inside , and um - grabbed the autopsy reports . I came back and drove off . " " On old miller Farm . I cleaned it first though . Then I wiped down the van , then though about how I was going to get rid of it , but Zas beat me to it . " " Never came across him . " Jeremiah said . " I Just heard he was killed . So at Carla 's funeral , I had a plan to expose Zas . " " Just for a moment . " Jeremiah said . " But it didn 't make sense . But weirdly after that I didn 't hear from Zas again . " " Okay , so how do we find this person ? " Corbin said throwing up his hands . " It 's not like we can but an APB out on him . " " I have an Idea . " James said . " We should gather information Thomas Bridges got . The account Jeremiah was sending money into ? That should be this Zas person 's account . " " I have been through that with a fine tooth comb . " Alex said . " That account is registered to a John Smith . If that is not an alias I don 't know what is . " " We are out of moves . " James said . " If Zas - I can 't believe I am calling him that - went radio silent . It means he has ended his game . There is no other way to draw him out . " " Wait , that 's what we need to do . " Alex said . " He likes games right ? Playing with people 's minds , making people run around in circles trying to guess who he is . Maybe we can use that against him . " Richard sighed . " When I left your mother I was at a low point in my life . My dad had disowned me , I was expelled from school the previous year , been arrested on multiple occasions , I was a waste of space . So left thinking I was doing good . I went back to my father , he took me back , pulled some strings and in three years I graduated from law school . Started working in my dad 's firm . So after a few years I decided to look for your mother , but I found out she had died , and your brother was in foster care . I looked for him too , and I found him . But along the way I learned about you . " " Yes . " Richard said . " It didn 't take me long to find you here in this town . I learned you and your brother were separated and out of touch , so I asked my father , to let me break away from his company and start a new practice . My PI gave me a picture of you but when I saw Carla , I mistakenly thought that was you . You looked so much alike . That 's what drew me to Moraine " " Wait you are not about to tell me Carla is my sister or something right ? " Toni laughed nervously . " Because I don 't think I can take it . " " No , no she is not . . " Richard assured her . " But anyway , I met Moraine . She had her own practice . I offered to help her expand , I had my father 's resources . She agreed . We finalized a deal became partners . I only had one request . I made her offer Wayne Bridges a job that he couldn 't ' refuse . Just to ensure he moved to Harbor . So I could have my two children in one place . " " I met you . " Richard said . " I saw you both with your families , and I decided I couldn 't insert myself into your lives . So I left . Well until I heard about what Moraine Heathway was doing . " " She was embezzling funds from clients account using bogus charges . " Richard said . " So I came back to confront her , and then when I tried to see him again . " " Look you were right . " She said . " You cant insert yourself in my life . I understand what you did to get us back , but you need to go Richard . I don 't need you . " Before Richard could utter a word Toni walked to the door , opened it and walked into the night . " The funeral . " Hazel finished . Toni looked at her reproachfully . " What ? " Hazel said defensively . " I say . ' rip off the band - aid ' . " " Sorry , " Toni smirked . " Anyway we know what is bothering us . What is bothering you ? It can 't be the exam , you are a genius , you love exams . " " He is still your father . " Jasmine said . " Give him a chance . " She got up packed her books ad left . Hazel and Toni stared after her . " Probably . " James chuckled . Just then there was some commotion in the station . Jakes came running towards them . " You have to see this . " He panted . James and Corbin , made their way towards the source of the commotion . It came from the prison holding cells . They found Alex standing there . " See for yourself . " Alex said grimly . James made his way to where Alex stood . He looked towards the direction where Alex was looking . What he saw was shocking to the bone . Corbin joined him . He too was speechless . Jeremiah Gates lay on the floor . Blood oozed from his neck . His eyes were glassy and unmoving . He was gone . Posted on October 13 , 2015October 13 , 2015 by Benjamin Young He sat in the room looking calm and composed . His hands were handcuffed to the table , but he leaned back in his chair as far as possible . James , Corbin and Alex watched him from the observation window . James noticed his hair was a little rough , but his face was shaved . There was a tiny scar above his right eye that looked no more than three weeks old . " Almost next to nothing . " Alex said . " We have his name on an account that has been moving money around , The testimony of two drug addicts , that identify him as a drug dealer and body thief but their testimony is unreliable . At best we have him at conspiracy to commit fraud . " " Well getting the whole story is important . " Alex said . " O ' Brian and I should go in . Stay and watch . When we need you come in " " What did I do wrong ? " Jeremiah said with a hint of a smile . " I swear I had no idea that girl was a hooker until she demanded I pay her . " " We have two witnesses saying they saw you stealing Carla Heathway 's body . " Alex said . " We also have evidence of you dealing drugs . We have your fingerprints on the van , we have your name on accounts involved in fraudulent activities , there is no way you are walking out of this one . So we are giving you a chance to tell us your side of the story . " After a few more minutes Alex and Corbin left the room . " He is not going to say anything . " Corbin said . " And if a lawyer comes in it will be all over . " " I helped you build this company . I took out the other partners and put your name - our name on that wall . And this is how you repay me ? " " It was a man trying to get my family back . " Richard said . " Which you never cared about doing for your own family . Your daughter dies and what ? It is business as usual ? " " Isn 't it ? " Richard asked . " My son was killed too . Are you sure Carla was even your daughter ? Because I met her . She was everything you weren 't . Kind , warmhearted , and not a pathetic weasel . " James walked inside the room holding a cup of coffee . He sat down opposite Jeremiah , Took a long sip from his cup , and set it down . Then he turned his eyes on Jeremiah . " The girl you were meeting in that motel room . " James said . " That 's why you were there , right ? Meeting a girl , not running from the law . " James pulled his chair forward . " I don 't believe you are a bad kid . You just made bad decisions . We are here to help you fix them . Just give us the names of the people you are working with , and we 'll see what we can do to help you . " " So you don 't even care a girl died ? You don 't care you killed someone . No , three people actually , Carla , Thomas Bridges and Gary Stevens . What kind of monster are you ? " " What was the problem huh ? " James continued . " She said no , so you kill her ? She found out your secret ? Or what You Moraine Heathway were up to ? " " I don 't know what you are talking about . " Jeremiah said raising his voice . " And if you could prove Moraine Heathway was helping me , she would be here in handcuffs already . " Jeremiah laughed uncontrollably for a while . Then he finally stopped to start his sentence . " Good luck with that . And by the way please let me know what she tells you . I am very curious myself . " He continued chuckling . James nodded his head . " You have been most helpful . Thank you . " He turned and walked out of the room . He met Alex and Corbin outside . " I can get an arrest warrant for her based on what I have . " Alex said . " It 'll only hold her for forty - eight hours until we have enough proof to charge her , but it should do . " " That 's because he 's there waiting for me . " Toni groaned . " Alice texted me and told me some guy came by today . Said his name was Richard . Sound Familiar ? " " Now there is a girl who let 's nothing get in her way . " Toni said . " Not even hearing her best friend 's boyfriend is a murderer . " " You are welcome . " Hazel said . She frowned at something from the floor and picked it up . It was a card . " What exactly does your father do again ? " " That is what I thought to , but I found this . " Hazel showed it to Toni . Toni read it . It said . Richard Prescott . Senior Partner . On the top left hand corner was the name and logo of Heathway and Prescott firm . Moraine Heathway 's body was dragged across the ground . Zas took a shovel and started to dig . Everything thing Had gone to hell . First Carla , then everything had just fallen down like a pack of dominoes . There was no one to pin this on . After digging exhaustively , Zas climed out of the hole . Taking a longing look at Moraine Heathway , Zas shoved her body into the hole and started covering her with dirt . No one would find her here . " Her assistant confirmed she left there two hours ago . Said she was heading straight home . Her car was parked at her house , but she wasn 't there . " James said . " We can start by finding out who the hell has been tipping people off . " Alex said appearing out of nowhere . " First we issue a warrant for Jeremiah , and he runs . Then we decide to pick up Heathway , and then she runs too . Is that a coincidence ? " " Someone in my department ? " James roared . " If there is one wild card here it is you . We don 't know you ? Are you even really FBI ? Since when is the FBI interested in small town cases ? " " Okay gentlemen let 's calm down . " Corbin said . " If we have a breach we would address it later . Right now we need to figure out a way to find Moraine Heathway . " " But that is just it . " Alex said . " Jeremiah had a boss . He was just a dealer right ? Where was he getting his supplies from ? " " Someone was giving it to him . " James said it dawning on him . " But why would he try to tell me who killed Carla and not you ? " " The software . " Alex said . " When I pulled him out of that shop and told me to go home , he told me he was still downloading the rest of the file . When he got home it must have completed . " Toni walked over to the front porch . She raised her hand to knock , but the door swung open . Michael Peters was standing in the doorway , holding the door . " Look dad . " Toni said turning around . " I get it okay . I forgive you . But right now I need to find Richard . So where is he ? " " Great . " Toni went up to her father and collected the card . " Thanks . " She mumbled . There was an address on the card . She made for the door . James entered the room again . Jeremiah looked up when he saw him and groaned . " You have got to be kidding me . I asked for a lawyer over three hours ago . Why haven 't you given me my phone call ? " " We are here to give it to you . " James said . He took out his cell phone and dropped it on the table . " There you go make your call . " " Oh no , I didn 't say she was . It 's just that it is strange . She just disappeared . She didn 't pack her clothes , her car was still in the driveway , There was no evidence that she had fled other than the fact she was gone . " " You see it seems the person you got in bed with is crossing people off . Now you can call your lawyer , they can get you out on bail , and when you get home this person can cross you name off his list . Or you can tell us who it is and we will protect you . " James said " Yes It 's just for tonight . " Richard said on the phone . " She doesn 't want to see me anyway . I 'll be back tomorrow Okay . Love you too . " He hung up the phone . He turned the television on and flipped through channels . He needed something to help him sleep . Soap operas seemed to do the trick . He found one he liked and settled down . He was about thinking of going to get some food , when he heard a knock on the door . Who is it now ? He thought as he made his way to the door . Probably the cleaning lady . He opened the door and saw Toni standing outside the doorway . Well isn 't this familiar ? He thought grimly . " We have a video too . But it is in one room only . " James said . He stood up and paced around the room . " So let me get this straight . Thomas Bridges was your informant ? " Alex sighed . " Okay , let me start from the beginning . I was sent here four months ago to investigate Heathway and Prescott . Large sums of money were being removed from clients trust accounts , and being transferred to an offshore account . During my investigation , I encountered Thomas Bridges who was doing his own investigation only he was doing his illegally . " " Yes . " Alex said . " He and his girlfriend were a typical Nick and Nora Charles , trying to solve a mystery themselves . Anyway when they inevitably crossed paths with me , I told them to stop . Thomas obliged but Carla did not . So I told him to follow her and report everything she did back to me . " " He didn 't know . He was just doing things for her . It became apparent that she didn 't tell him everything . I suspect she was protecting someone . " " Perhaps . But he knew enough . I collected all the information he had managed to gather . But when she got killed , I told him to pull out . Obviously I didn 't want any civilian getting hurt on my watch . But he kept digging , pulling files and going through names . Until he found a name he recognized . " " I 'll get to that . Anyway after both of you interviewed him , he came to see me . He told me he might have figured out something but he wanted permission to hack into Heathway and Prescott . I said no , told him to go home . I knew he wouldn 't listen , so I followed him to the coffee shop I didn 't want to engage him , but I kept a close watch on him and I made sure he knew I could see him . He wasn 't poisoned there . When he left , I made sure he went straight home . I told him not to do anything stupid and keep hat he found to himself . " " During our investigation , we found out it was not just a case of embezzlement . I believe the money that was going in and out of the accounts were coming from a source . The sale of narcotics . " " She found a way to transfer the money to her own account , and she withdrew that money possibly hoping to lead that person to her . And she did . At the fairway Gala , Carla went to meet someone there . I asked Thomas to intercept her , but he said he had something to do , about his father or something , So I went there myself but he was already there . Said he changed his mind . " " All in good time . " Alex said . " After the gala I decided to put a stop to Carla 's investigation once and for all , but When she went back to Newport , everything got quiet . " " Carla stopped digging , money stopped moving around and I thought it was all over . But when she disappeared everything started again . So Thomas went back to his own investigation . Found the original file that Carla had stolen and found a name , and everything made sense . " " It isn 't just embezzlement . " Alex said . " Gates was selling drugs . I befriended John Heathway who by the way , is probably his partner , there has been an increased presence of narcotics in the university campus , in the high school . And trust me it is something new entirely . I was suspecting John was the one dealing and using his mother 's company to move the money , and It seems I was right . Only part I missed was Jeremiah Gates is his partner . " " So Carla was investigating her brother and his friend and they killed her , and Thomas . " Corbin said . " Case solved . Let 's go and pick them up . " " The network is more wide than you realize . " Alex said . " I need to access every team member before I go in . Besides this is mostly speculation and some underground digging . If you want to take down a drug ring you have to collate hard evidence . " " The van that was used to steal Carla Heathway 's body . I tracked the employee down , which by the way you didn 't think of doing . I found out who signed for it . I have been following some leads and , this morning I found out who stole it . " " No . He hired two junkies to steal the body . " Alex said . " I know them , they are friends of John . We can start with them . " " He told you a version of the truth I asked him to tell . " Alex said . " Nevertheless , I told him to keep his mouth shut about Jeremiah Gates . " He turned to James . " I know he called you and tried to tell you . Which I specifically told him not to . So by not listening to me , he got killed . I want to make sure you will follow instruction I give . " John pulled Jeremiah in and shut the door . " Don 't tell me you have still been messing around with that stuff ? " He said angrily . " I told you I am out . I promised - " " Okay fine , but remember if I go down , you go down with me ! And him too . " Jeremiah said . " You think they would believe you if you say you didn 't help ? So help me disappear , or when they come knocking , I 'll sell you out ! " They were two scrawny looking boys . They had picked them up from the university campus . They sat in different rooms adjacent to each other . They watched them from the windows . This went on for quite a while . They left and went to his counterpart Greg Dudley . He too acted clueless . They lasted for about thirty minutes . After that they spilled everything . " Jeremiah Gates . " they wailed . " He called us . Told us he could give us an unlimited supply of HPC . if we did a job for him . " " Well , we stole the van , " Edward said shaking . " Jerry was driving . So we went out to the place , and we got in . We were as high as fuck . Jerry said he had taken care of the cameras and everything but when we got there . The man was there . " " He is lying . He stabbed him . There was blood everywhere so we just took the body through the back entrance . When we got to the van Jeremiah saw all the blood and freaked out . He ran back inside to do something . He was only there for a minute . Then he ran back out and we drove away . " Edward and Greg were incoherent after that so they took them to the cells . " Okay so let us go pick Jeremiah now . " Corbin demanded . " It seems we are at a dead - end . " James said . " Look Agent Munroe or Stone or what you call yourself . People are dead . We might have just solved one but there are still two remaining . Now Jeremiah is the key to all this . Let us hold him . " An hour later , it was already getting dark . They swarmed Jeremiah 's house . He lived alone . They burst in . There were clothes thrown everywhere , wardrobes opened . They searched the house from the top to bottom . He wasn 't there . The next morning they were still looking for Jeremiah Gates . He had bought a bus ticket to Arizona online , but there was no way track if he had gotten on the bus or not . John Heathway had been brought in for questioning . He refused to say anything . They had gotten a search warrant and turned his house upside down . It was clean . No evidence of drug use or possession , they had nothing to tie him to the case . Moraine Heathway had come in to represent him . " Look John , buddy . " Alex said . " I know Jeremiah 's your friend . But he killed your sister If you know anything about where he is you have to tell us . " Alex put his hands on James shoulders . James calmed down . He was exhausted . He had been up all night . Alex turned to Moraine Heathway . " I have gathered enough evidence to prove you have been draining several trust accounts . I have enough to get you on a charge of embezzlement and fraud . But I also care about catching who killed your daughter . So work with me and I can get you a deal . " Alex smiled . " Never underestimate what a mother would do for her children . We just slipped her information that of her clients killed her daughter . She was protecting her son first , but she would lead us to Jeremiah . " " Well the account that has been transferring money to the offshore account is Jeremiah 's . I am betting big it is his . " He looked around . " Where is your partner by the way ? " " Doing police work . " Corbin 's voice said . They looked and saw him walking towards them . He stopped when he reached them . " I got the reports on Thomas Bridges autopsy . It seems he was hit with a blunt object that rendered him unconscious before he was poisoned . " " Nope . Nada . " Corbin said . " Just what we know . Blunt force trauma to the head , spinal injury from the neck . No DNA , or fibers . Jeremiah must have wiped them off . " James made a noise . " The autopsy notes . " He said . " Those two junkie didn 't take it . They were not there so someone cleaned up . " Who ? " " We got an anonymous tip that he was hiding out in Sherwood Motel . " Jakes said . " It seems he was meeting someone there . They sold him out . " Jasmine was washing her face in the bathroom . Her phone buzzed . She sighed and looked at the screen . It was Hazel . She declined and put it in her bag . Moments later Hazel and Toni burst in the bathroom door " Oh my God . " Jasmine said . " That 's why he was in Newport . He was there to kill her . " She looked at Hazel who looked like she was about to cry . " Are you okay . " It was a bright and sunny day . Well it almost always was in California . Zas drove through the town with a feeling of content . Everything had worked out . There was a piece of guilt that was buried deep but , Zas shook it off . Jeremiah had been arrested . He might tell them what he knows but there was nothing tying Zas to Carla Heathway 's murder . Zas grinned . That name was cool . Zas . James looked at Moraine . She looked calm and composed considering she just buried her daughter . He and Corbin had argued over doing this too soon but James though she would want to help to find who killed her daughter . " When you called me here you said this was regarding my daughter 's case . It is the only reason I agreed to see you . " Moraine said . Moraine was silent for a few seconds . " The file contains a list of companies a client wants to acquire . My daughter was curious about my recently acquired clients . She took a personal interest in this one . " " He was most definitely not there to see me . " Moraine Heathway said . " But I saw him talking to a man . He had dark hair broad shoulders , white . " I don 't remember his name , but I know he is a friend of John . " Moraine said . " I just can 't remember his name . " " So who is the mystery guy . " Corbin asked as they drove back to the station . James kept quiet and said nothing . He just kept driving . " Look buddy don 't hold back on me . If you know something say it . " Corbin said to James . James still said nothing . Finally he spoke out . " I have seen this before . People who are into drugs sometimes need to push money around . Best targets are rich girls with huge trust funds , that wouldn 't raise any red flags if they made large transactions . " James explained . " Back when I was in foster homes . " James said . " It explains all the weird behaviour . Moving money around , stealing lists of rich clients , she was probably doing it for her boyfriend . " When they got back to the station Jakes was waiting for them . " I 've got news . He said without preamble . " We ran facial recognition of that drawing like you suggested . We got a match . " " Oh , and one more thing . " Jakes said . " There is a man who wants to speak with you . He is in the waiting room . He says he is Thomas Bridge 's father . " He looked like Thomas . He had Brown hair , wore a serious look on his face , was tall and broad . He was pacing in the room with his chin resting on his hand which rested on his other arm . When James entered the room he dropped his arms and walked over to him extending his arm . " Well as far as we know , he was poisoned . " James said . " We are working to find who did it , but his case is tied to another murder case going on so we are doing our best to work the angles . " " No one is doing the right thing if you leave your children . " James said . " Sorry , " he added . " I know it 's not my place . " " I know her . " Richard said . " Some years back I tried to find Thomas . " He said . " I was able to get in touch with his adopted parents , but they said he didn 't want to see me . They were living in San Francisco then . When they moved to Harbor , I hired a Private investigator to find him when he turned eighteen thinking it was his parents that didn 't want me to see him . He found him a few months back but when I tried to talk to him , this blonde showed up at my door . " " Yes that 's what she said her name was . " Richard said . " She said he didn 't want to know me and I should back off . " " Yes . " Richard said . " After that I left him alone . Then about a month ago I got word that he was looking for me . We talked on the phone . " He smiled his look faraway . " He said he had something to show me . We arranged to meet at this party here he called Fair place something - " Richard looked at it closely . " No I don 't think so " He said . " Anyway , they were arguing very intensely , then When she saw me she came over and asked me what I was doing there . When I told her she told me Thomas had left a while ago . Then she asked me not to tell anyone she was there . " " I don 't know . " Richard said . " But she seemed really scared . Not at all like the bold girl who showed up at my door " " I can 't say . But yes it is possible . " Richard said . He sighed . " Anyway , do you have Toni 's parent 's address ? " It was an apartment building . It was similar to the one Thomas Bridges lived in . Corbin and his team went up to the building after other members of the team surrounded it . Corbin walked up to apartment seven and knocked . Seconds later a man opened the door . He had dark hair , medium build . very muscular . He was dressed as if he was about to go out . Corbin signaled to a member of his team . He moved forward and grabbed the man at started to cuff him . " You have the right to remain silent . " " Okay look let me explain you are making a huge mistake . " The man yelled . The officers didn 't listen and continued to frisk him and read him his rights . Corbin stood by watching . " Okay fine . " He said . " But before we go , can you check my back pocket for my wallet . And there should be a gun in the holster on my pants . " Corbin patted him down . He pulled out a gun from a holster and then pulled out his wallet . He opened it and saw a very familiar badge . " You are - " he started " Yes I saw him at school . He was making a beeline for me . I jumped in my car and drove off . " Toni said plopping herself on Hazel 's bed . " I don 't know if he followed me . " " You were the one who went to look for him in the middle of the night . " Hazel said laughing . " You can 't be surprised he wants to see you again . " " And when Tom died you just acted impulsively , yes that is what I told you when you came over that night demanding I drive you . " Hazel said . " Can I tell you I told you so ? " Toni sat up . " You don 't know how Tom described him . He called him an alcoholic , drug using loser who left our mom when he was just one and a half years . " " What did Tom know ? " Hazel scoffed . Toni looked at her sharply . " Sorry but it is true . Tom was still a baby . no way he remembered him . and besides it seems like he cleaned up his act . " " So just go talk to him . " Hazel said . " Or at least if you don 't want to tell him to leave you alone . Just don 't avoid him . " " Me ? I would kill to have a brother . " Hazel said . " Younger or older . " She added . " Although when it inherit all my parents money , I 'll be glad I am an only child . " She laughed . Toni laughed too . " You better not say that aloud . That you would kill for a brother . People would start to think you killed Carla for her brother . " Hazel laughed . " John ? No thank you . " They laughed for a while then quieted down . " I miss her . " Hazel said . " She 'd know what to do . " " Yeah Carla would definitely know hat to do in this situation . " Toni agreed . " She was quite fierce . " She buried her face in a pillow . " What am I going to do ? " She said , her voice muffled . She raised her head up . " Can I stay here forever ? " she asked Hazel with a hopeful smile . " So what is the FBI doing in Harbor " Corbin asked as they walked through the hallway in the police station . " And what is your connection with our case ? And by the way , what kind of alias is ' Munroe ' ? " Alex glanced at Corbin . " You talk a lot . I 'll answer your questions later . Right now I want to talk to the lead detective on this case . " " You are going to have to speak with my superior in Los Angeles . " Alex said . " Right now I just need some information about the Heathway , Bridges murder case . " " And Gary Stevens too . " James added appearing out of nowhere . " He was the he medical examiner . " He stretched out his hand towards Alex Stone . " James Ashwood . " he said . " Calm down . In a minute . " Alex said . Jones phone rang . " That 'll be my superior . " Alex said . Jones picked it up and spoke with someone on the other end for a minute grunting ' yes ' , and ' I understand ' . After a while Jones hung up . " No wait . " James interrupted . " Before we give you squat , you need to tell us exactly what it is you are doing in Harbor . " James said . " Please . " He added as an afterthought . |
When he came to , he was in the back of an ambulance , being revived by a paramedic . As they waved the ammonia under his nose several times , Michael coughed and blinked his eyes repeatedly trying to avoid the offensive . Finally he attempted to sit up , but the paramedic wouldn 't allow him to . He was told to lie down and try to remain as calm as possible , assuring Michael that they would be at the hospital within a few minutes . " Where 's Trent ? Where 's the guy that was on the other moped ? They have to be taking him to the same hospital . Where is he ? Please tell me , is he still alive ? Please tell me . I saw him . He looked like he was . . . Michael couldn 't bring himself to say the words . It was too much for him to bear . There was no way he could be . Not Trent , it just couldn 't be . But he had seen him and the thought made him lie back down sobbing . The ambulance backed up to the entrance of the emergency room . Michael was immediately taken into a bay and examined . He caught a brief glimpse of Trent and heard a flurry of activity as they attempted to revive him . Michael wanted to be near him , to know what was going on , but this was as close as he was going to get . He was whisked off to an x - ray department and was there for almost an hour and a half before returning to the emergency room . By then Michael had lost track of Trent . His checkup was done and he was fine . Nothing was broken , which Michael already knew , but since they found him unconscious and on the ground they wanted to make sure . They released him from the emergency room . It wasn 't until that time that he found out that Trent was still alive but in bad shape . He attempted several times to find out what was going on , telling them that he was his brother but no one was saying anything . Just that Trent was in rough shape and that he was still being examined , trying to determine the extent of his injuries . They were able to tell Michael that Trent would survive , but that his injuries were extensive . He was told that both legs were severely broken in multiple places ; his left arm was also broken , mostly at the elbow which had been shattered . The rest wasn 't clear . All he knew at that point was that he had to call Mom and Dad and let them know what was going on . . Now he was in a panic and needed them both . He didn 't know what to do , or what to say . This was a phone call Michael didn 't want to make . Mustering his courage and sense of responsibility Michael headed for the pay phones on the " Operator , I need to make a person - to - person call to Claymore Sanders at 617 - 555 - 0000 . Yes mam . I 'm Michael Evans . Thank you . " He heard the phone clicking a few times , and then he heard Clay 's voice on the other end and the operator asking him if he would accept charges for a collect call from a Michael Evans . Clay accepted the charges and was connected . " Hey pal , how 's the weather in sunny Jamaica ? Getting some sun and sand time in ? " Clay had no idea what was coming and Michael hesitated in telling him the news . He knew this was going to break his heart . Michael was sure that Trent was Clay 's favorite child . Even though he told everyone he had no favorites , Michael didn 't believe him in any shape or form . " Trent was in an . . . accident today . He was hit by a taxi . . . while riding a moped . Both of his legs are . . . broken in several . . . places and his . . . arm is broken , I should say his elbow is shattered . He hasn 't woken up since the accident . They aren 't telling me much . I don 't think they believe that I 'm his brother when I tell them I am . You know that game . You should call them and get him out of here , Dad . He needs to be in Boston . Can you do that ? We have to get him home somehow . . . " Michael broke down sobbing , trying to compose himself . " Calm down Michael , calm down . Take a deep breath . I 'll get on it right away , you can count on it . I 'll call you back on your cell phone , is that working right now or not ? " " No , sorry , I had to use a hospital phone . That 's why I called you person to person , collect . My cell phone wouldn 't reach you . When do you think you can get down here at the latest ? " " Depends . Maybe seven to eight hours maybe a little less . I 'll call the hospital and try to find you . It will be a few hours before I attempt to call you back , like when we are in the air . Right now I 'm going to tell your mother what 's going on and then get a medical plane and a crew to bring Trent home . Hang in there , buddy . He 's a fighter and he 'll make it . So that 's a good thing , right ? " " Yea , you 're right , it is . " Michael felt the tears falling down his cheeks unsure just how Trent would survive after what he had looked like on the ground all twisted . " Hang in there and stay put . I 'll call the hospital as soon as I can and as soon as I have a plane and a medical crew to man it . I 'll call City Hospital to see what I can scrape together for a team . They usually have a medical staff that 's on call for out of state emergencies , I think this qualifies as out of state . If not I 'll pay for it out of my own pocket . But I will get this done Michael don 't worry that I won 't . " " All right , Dad . I 'm in the ER and I 'll stay here until I hear from you . Thanks for helping me stay calm and reassuring me . You always know when and how . " " Remember , Michael , that 's what Dads are for . Someday you 'll have your own kids and you 'll see . Just remember what I 'm telling you now , okay ? " " Okay , thanks . " Michael was blown away from Clays comment . Did he really just say that about having kids and did he really mean it ? Was he implying that he thought he and Trent would have children in the future ? Or was he merely hoping that they would . Either way , he loved the prospect of the thought . Trent just had to survive and be in one piece for that to happen . Michael didn 't know how long it was actually going to take Sarah and Clay to gather a medical staff who would be willing to fly to Jamaica and take care of Trent , considering the condition he was in . The time dragged for him , each minute seemed like an hour and he was alone . Whether he was his brother or not , Michael was denied access to Trent in the back . Frustrating more and more each time he tried to ask questions . " No one has talked to me , Ricky . They have totally ignored me to this point , and I don 't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing right now . I talked to Trent 's father and he and his mother are hiring a private plane and a medical team to take Trent back to Boston to get him medical treatment , because I want him back in Boston to get help . Wait , how did you know that I was here and that Trent got hurt in the first place ? " " My cousin owns the moped place you rented from and I stopped by and when I saw the wrecked moped come back in , I stopped and asked what happened . When he told me that one got hurt I knew it was one of you . I came right to the hospital to see which one it was . I 'm sorry it was either one of you . So many people get hurt on those damn things . But they are fun to ride . I 've done it several times . I just can 't believe he got hit by a damn taxi driver of all things , mon . Some of them are pretty bad and drive too fast and shouldn 't have their driver 's license to begin with . But what you gonna do , mon ? " Ricky shook his head and dropped it in mocked disbelief , commiserating with Michael . " Oh , Ricky , the guy came out of nowhere , going way too fast to begin with and just hit Trent broadside . His legs were just all wrong when I looked at him lying on the ground . " Michael began to sob . Ricky wasn 't sure what to do , so he just took Michael in his arms and held him while he cried and cried . Ricky tried to reassure him that everything was going to be all right and that Trent was going to get better . " Oh , Ricky , you didn 't see him . I don 't know if he 's even going to walk again . His legs were so mangled . I don 't know if he 'll be able to build houses like he wants to . He wants to build houses , Ricky . How is he going to do that with his legs all mangled , Ricky , tell me that . How is he going to do that ? I 'm going to make sure that I sue that guy . He won 't have anything left when I 'm done . He 'll wish he was dead by the time I 'm with him . I swear to god I 'll make his life a living hell . " " Michael you can deal with this later . Now is not the time ; your emotions are running high right now and not your brain . Just give yourself time before you make any real decisions . For the time being just concentrate on Trent and getting better . You have plenty of time to decide on what you 're going to do with the guy that hit Trent , and whether or not you 're going to sue him . Right now put Trent at the top of your list . That 's what you have to worry about and only that . " " You 're right , Ricky . I just need to think about him right now . I just wish they would come out and tell me something , or at least let me go back there and let me see him so I know how he is doing . I want to see him with my own eyes . Do you know what I mean ? " " Yes I do , Michael . If it was my wife I would be pulling my hair out , trying to get in back there , but that 's the way they do things here , like it or not . You have to just wait until they come and get you , or until they tell you something . " The two men stayed silent for a while and time slowly ticked away . Michael avoided looking at the clock as much as he possibly could . However , as much as he tried , it still seemed that every five minutes he was still looking at the damn thing . Seconds seemed liked hours and hours seemed like days . Indeed , the hours did pass and as Michael and Ricky paced the floor , Michael turned and another familiar face appeared before him : Clay and Sarah came around the corner . Clay and Michael rushed at each other and Michael collapsed in Clay 's arms , sobbing . Sarah stood by Michael 's side , rubbing his back , trying to reassure him telling him that Trent would be okay , unsure herself of his outcome . Michael explained that he hadn 't heard anything up to this point and Clay became furious that he hadn 't . He figured that Michael should have been told something by now : whether Trent was in surgery , how he was he progressing , if he was out , what his status was , something , anything . Clay was going to find out , and now . " Dad , before you go anywhere I 'd like you both to meet Ricky . He 's been our driver since we got off the plane on Sunday . Ricky , this is Sarah and Clay Sanders . You could call them my parents . " Ricky gave Michael a quizzical look . " They aren 't really my parents , but they 've treated me more like a son than my own parents ever did . They 've shown more love and support in two years than mine did in seventeen . " They both stood a little taller as Michael finished his introduction . " And now , if you 'll excuse me , I 'll go and raise hell and make arrangements to get my son on a plane and back to Boston . I have a medical crew waiting on a plane . Michael , I suggest you and Sarah have Ricky take you to the hotel and collect your things and Trent 's , and meet us at the airport . Your mother knows where the plane is , they 're waiting for us to get back . There 's a medically equipped 727 plane getting gassed up and rechecked and filing a flight plan as we get Trent ready to travel . Now you three go and get everything together . " " Michael , I know it 's hard right now , but I need you to do this , and go and get your things and Trent 's . You 'll see him on the plane , I promise you that . But time is important and we have to keep moving , okay ? So please , go with your mother and do this . " Clay stretched out his hand and took hold of Michael 's chin , and had him look him in the eye . Michael had tears , but he shook his head yes . Sarah reached her hand out and Michael took it . " You 'll come back next year , and I 'll be your taxi driver again . I 'll still be driving taxi you can count on it . I 've been driving for five years now . I 'll give you my number and a few days before you come , you call me and I 'll be at the airport to meet you and Trent , how 's that sound ? " The three of them left the hospital and made their way to the Rock Cliff 's Hotel . Sarah loved the hotel . As far as she was concerned it was the perfect spot for young lovers to spend their time in . Perhaps not just for young lovers . She had thoughts of her and Clay coming here once the kids were gone from the nest and they could spend time on their own . They walked into the room and clothes were scattered everywhere . " I can tell my boys are used to being taken care of all the time . " Ricky laughed . He wasn 't aware of the wealth that Trent and Michael were accustomed to . " What did you do ? Pay the staff here to stay out of this room , Michael Wayne ? " Michael got a sheepish look on his face before speaking to his mother and Ricky had to laugh some more seeing Michael behave like a child , caught with his hand in the cookie jar . " Well , I can 't argue over that point Michael . " Sarah grinned and a tear fell down her cheek . Ricky could see a bond between the two , even though they weren 't mother and son by birth . " He 's right , Michael , we need to keep moving and get this done . " As they were packing up Sarah took the time to look out their French doors and admire the view . " Michael , I want to tell you this before you see him . He looks worse than he is , mostly because they have prepared him for movement on the plane as I have asked and they haven 't performed surgery at this point except some minor stuff to stitch him up to stop the bleeding here and there . That 's about it for now . They didn 't want to send him off with him bleeding and have him die on the way . They didn 't like doing this to begin with . He 's not in the best shape to be traveling , Michael . So be prepared and understand that . " Michael took a deep breath and turned the corner to see a plane that had been turned into a flying medical hospital . He was amazed by it . He wondered how many people actually used something like this and under what circumstances it was used for . Was it just used for people that had money ? As he looked further down he could see a bed and he could see Trent 's feet . At least they were in the right place , compared to where they were the last time he had seem them . He couldn 't walk any faster . His legs just wouldn 't move . They felt like they had cement in them . More and more of Trent 's body was revealed . The closer he got , the sicker he felt in his stomach and then he got the full picture . Michael 's knee 's buckled and the room swirled and Clay caught him as he passed out . He came to a few minutes later as the nurse waved some smelling salts under his nose . " You 're okay , Michael . Just sit here for a few minutes . I 've put you next to Trent so you don 't have to get up , okay ? " Michael nodded his head and looked up to see his lover , bandaged , bloodied and broken . Michael reached out to touch Trent 's hand but feared hurting him in some way . The nurse spoke to reassure him . " It 's all right , Michael . You won 't hurt him . We have him heavily sedated for the trip back to Boston . We need him ready for surgery as soon as we get him there . He 's going to need a lot of surgeries . Both of his legs are badly broken with multiple fractures , his left elbow is shattered , there are three or four broken ribs . He 's lucky his spine is intact , not to say that he 's not going to need help with a back brace for a while , but at least his back isn 't broken . His right hand will need some work with pins being inserted into the fingers until the bones mend . There are three fingers that are fractured in approximately seventeen places between the three . As far as we can tell there is no internal bleeding , so that 's a good thing . It 's the only reason that the doctor 's in Jamaica would release him to us . It 's why they took so long in talking to you . They wanted to make sure everything was okay before they released him for travel in a plane . We have to pay attention to air pressure especially . That 's the best I can tell you for now . I wish I had better news for you right now , but I don 't . I don 't want to lie to you either , that 's not my style , Michael . " " I appreciate that . " Clay spoke up . Michael was trying to take in everything that she had said and thinking how this was going to affect Trent 's school work . Michael knew that he was going to have to go back to school and keep on plugging away . Come the summer he 'd be able to help Trent and give him three months of his full attention and a week on spring break . His heart was breaking , knowing that this was going to put Trent at least a year behind him . . He began to wonder if he should take a year off to help Trent get back on his feet . Maybe it was something they would have to discuss when he was awake and out of a semi - conscious state and could think more clearly . Perhaps he would discuss it with Clay and Sarah before he talked to Trent about it . That would probably be a better idea . However , he had a feeling that Clay would never let him take a year off from school , not when he could hire professional people to help Trent more than Michael could . What was he thinking ? He might as well forget that idea , and they would never go for that , not for a second . Michael had to resign himself to the idea that he was going to have to go to school and take care of Trent in between studying and vacations . It would definitely be a long time before they would go horseback riding again . They plane began to move onto the tarmac and Michael grabbed Trent 's bed to make sure it wasn 't going to move on take - off . He looked at the feet of his chair to see how he was secured and saw that he was on rubber matting and his chair had rubber on the bottom of it . The nurse came over to Michael and asked him to move to another chair that was bolted to the floor telling him that he could come back once they had reached cruising altitude . Michael felt out of place without Trent sitting next to him on the way back to Boston . Clay sat next to him and Sarah next to Clay . It just felt all wrong to him . For the first time he didn 't know what to say to Clay . " It 's going to be okay , Michael . Trent 's a fighter , he always has been . You should know that by now . I think in your heart you already do . " Did he ? He had never seen Trent in this kind of situation and he wasn 't sure how he was going to respond . How would he deal with Michael being ahead of him in school ? He was so competitive . This time and this situation would put him behind the eight ball and there was nothing he could do about it . Before this they were on equal ground , now what ? " How is he going to deal with us not being equal anymore , Dad ? We 've been partners up to this point . We 've been together with everything we 've done . We 've graduated together , we 're going to college together at the same time , and we wanted to graduate at the same time . There is so much that we have that is now in question because of this . He 's going to be crushed by this set back , Dad , you have no idea yet . " " Is there something I need to know that you two haven 't told us ? " Michael wondered if he should say anything to them or wait until he had the chance to talk to Trent when he was awake . He decided he needed to wait ; so many things were in the air right now . Clay looked at Michael and wondered what was going on inside of his head at this moment . " No sir , not right now . Anyway , not until I talk to Trent , sir . " He had said too much and he knew it . Just by that little sentence he knew that Clay was aware of more than he was letting on , and Michael needed to shut up . He was hoping that they would reach cruising altitude soon so that he could sit next to Trent and talk to him even though Trent wouldn 't be able to respond . For now Michael got lost in his thoughts and how things were going in his life . He wondered how his real father was doing . Not that he really cared . He thought about it for a few minutes and felt in his heart that he no longer loved his father . He loved Clay more like a father and Sarah more like a mother . He didn 't even realize when the separation had taken place , that he had replaced Trent 's parents as his own parents . He wondered what would happen when they finally got to a trial if his father was the one that pulled the trigger that had killed his mother . Or was it Kevin ? How would he feel if it was his father and how would he feel if it was Kevin ? How would he feel about his father then ? He wondered if it would change anything at all . Since he had already written his father off he didn 't think it would make a difference but perhaps it would . It would be just the straw that broke the camel 's back . And where did Mandy fit into all of this ? He hadn 't really talked to her like he used to when they were in school together all the time . He appreciated that they were getting older and they each had their own lives to live , but it had been weeks since they had talked to one another and that wasn 't like them at all . Maybe if he talked to her she could shed some light on the whole issue at hand . She was alwHe thought about Jack Barrolls and how the investigation might be going at this point and what they might have for facts and hard evidence , as Jack liked to put it . The other ones from the Watertown Police Department were more focused on their theories then on hard evidence or as they called it circumstantial evidence . At least that 's what Jack called it . If that was the case , then his father was guilty . When it came to hard evidence no one was guilty at the time he had left for Jamaica . So unless something had happened while he was gone , the case would still be the same and no one knew anything . But of course he wasn 't privy to all the information from the prosecuting attorney either . That was something else he was going to have to talk to Mandy about when he would have the chance to when he got back , but before he started school and it 's routine again . He knew once he got back into the routine he would be too busy until spring break , and then he 'd be busy with Trent and taking care of him . He knew that Trent would be in no shape to be running around and doing things on his own yet , no matter how much he might want to . Michael knew he just wouldn 't be ready . God knows how many surgeries he would need . That was another thing they were going to have to talk about in his recovery : the number of surgeries he would be facing . Michael wasn 't sure himself but he knew it would be several just on his legs alone . The flight seemed to take forever . However , it was the same as it always was : a little over three hours . An ambulance was waiting at Logan Airport to transport Trent to City Hospital and to an operating room and surgeons who were waiting as were nurses and other medical staff needed to work on his broken body . Trent 's first surgery lasted almost nine hours . To Michael it seemed like ninety . Several times he thought he was going to snap . He yelled at Peter and at Stephen , who hugged him until Michael calmed down and cried . Clay had cried more than once , feeling helpless as a parent . He had felt that way more than once and , no matter what , still hated it . The scene played over and over in Michael 's head and the result was the same with Trent landing and his legs being by his head and Michael screaming and passing out . It finally came to an end and Trent was in recovery with Michael by his side , waiting for him to come out of his induced coma . Michael drifted in and out of sleep , holding Trent 's hand . The rest of the family held vigil in the waiting room . Michael wouldn 't leave his side , and no one could persuade him otherwise . Even Yvonne couldn 't get him to move . Michael decided that he 'd better start talking to Trent , otherwise he would never wake up . " If you think getting hit by a taxi is going to get you sympathy , well , you know where you can find sympathy , right between shit and syphilis in the dictionary , pal . I 'm not kidding , you know . I 'm mad at you for getting hit by that taxi . You should have known it was coming and stopped before it hit you . I know you ; you 'll try and tell me that you couldn 't have known . Well , don 't give that excuse , mister . It 's lame number one . " Clay and Sarah came in giving Michael something to eat . " Michael , you 'll have to eat something now . You haven 't eaten anything in hours . And if you don 't eat soon , I 'll have Clay make you eat . " " That 's fine . Eat it under any circumstance you want to , as long as you eat it . I don 't care . " Michael begrudgingly began to eat the sandwich that Sarah had brought him . The time slowly passed and Trent 's brothers and sisters came and went , checking in on him to make sure that he was okay and holding his own . He was still sleeping by the time the nurses were beginning to suspect that Trent would be waking up soon . Michael moved to his side of the bed again and took hold of his hand . " Okay , time to wake up , buddy . You 've been sleeping way to long . I 'm tired of waiting for you to wake up , you know . So get your little scrawny ass up and say something , Stretch . " " Oh . . . Sorry Mom , didn 't see you in here . " Michael sat up in the chair , turning red , and laughed until tears formed . Clay tried not to laugh , but listening to Michael he couldn 't help himself . " The three of you , I 'm going to get something to drink . Honestly you should be ashamed . " Clay got up and left the room with Sarah , snickering as he left . The boys both laughed at him as they watched him leave . " Never mind the hot lips comments , you aren 't going to be doing anything for a while pal . I 'm really sorry to say . I 'm going to be using my right hand for the near future , and I 'll be using my other hand to help you out . My poor baby is lucky he didn 't get that broken to . " Michael leaned over and kissed Trent . With his right arm Trent reached up and held Michael by the neck keeping him in place . It didn 't last long as Trent was still weak from the drugs they had given him during the surgery . He laid his head down , closed his eyes as sleep overtook him again . Michael lovingly watched him drift off , and then sitting back down until his friend would wake up again . Trent slept another 15 minutes before he woke again . " I 'll take whatever is wet in my mouth at this point . And don 't you dare get perverted , asshole . Mikey , did they say how long I have to be in these casts ? Don 't you dare lie to me ! " " The doctor hasn 't been in yet since you 've been out of surgery . We have to wait and see what he says . " " What is going to happen to school ? This is going to set me back and you and I won 't end up graduating at the same time , like we planned . " " Let 's just wait and see what the doctor says . Maybe if you only miss this semester , you can make it up by taking a few courses every summer . That way , by the time we graduate , it will be at the same time like we planned . And I can help you during the summer time to make sure you get the grades you need , okay ? " " The nurses called and told me you were awake , Mr . Sanders . I 'm glad to see you up and talking . I 'd like to tell you what we found during the surgery and what took so long . Both legs are being held together with pins and screws , some of which will be removed at a later date and some will be with you for the rest of your life . Your left leg sustained the worst damage with four breaks . They missed one in Jamaica . They were correct about the right leg and that has pins and screws to hold it together also . They will be in for a while . The casts will be on for a minimum of ten weeks , perhaps longer . But we will move to inflatable casts after ten weeks , if we can . Your arm won 't bend for a while . There are several pins and screws holding it together . There is no telling when the cast is going to come off of your arm and I 'm sorry to tell you that . Since you 're awake now we are going to move you to a room as soon as we can find one . " " I 'll be going to the top floor , Dr . Jacobs . My father sits on the Board of Directors of the hospital . I don 't mean to sound all high and mighty or snobby , I really don 't . It 's just the way it is . I 'm just trying to save time and paper work , that 's all . " " And you just saved me a lot of paperwork and aggravation , Trent , and I appreciate it , believe me . I thank you for being up front about you going to the top floor . I 'll call the crew upstairs and have someone come and get you , and have everything be taken care of for you like it should , ok ? " Trent laughed a little at the way the doctor had responded to the whole thing about Trent going to the top floor . About half an hour went by and Steve stuck his head in the door . " I thought I recognized that name , but I wasn 't sure if it was really you or not . I couldn 't believe it was you . Where 's the boyfriend ? " " I heard that Trent Nicholas Sanders ! I am not the one that has the bottomless pit , someone else I know does , though . And someone else I know is going to be in trouble , broken body or not ! " Steve and Walter detached the tubes and IV 's that Trent was attached to and began the short journey to the upstairs where Trent was going to be staying for the next undetermined amount of time . Steve and Walter had seen guys that had stayed for months in this condition but they weren 't going to say anything to Trent about that right now . There was no point in upsetting him . This young boy had just come awake from a severe surgery and was in good spirits , optimistic about his future and how long it was going to take to actually get things accomplished in his recovery . The daily grind began for Trent and within a week he got tired of it and was ready to go home . Unfortunately for him , the doctors weren 't ready to let him go . That made the reality settle in and Trent hated it . Michael was the person he was taking it out on . Michael understood his angst and was trying to be patient with him , but some days were harder than others . School was going to start soon for Michael and he had to be ready . He didn 't know how Trent was going to handle him going back . He decided that bringing up the subject was the best thing to do tonight . There was no point in putting it off any longer . " Trent , I have to get ready to go back to school . I won 't be able to come up here as much as I have been . You know that don 't you ? " Trent didn 't answer Michael right away . He just laid there and looked out the window , saying nothing . Michael felt like crying . He felt like punching something . He wasn 't sure what he felt like . Finally he decided to take a walk for a few minutes and maybe talk to Steve or Walter for a while . Maybe Steve could help shed some light on things . So he went over to the desk where Steve was sitting . " I just don 't know what to do with him . I 'm going to start school soon and he 's not happy about it . In fact , he seems almost pissed about it and I understand why . But what I don 't understand is why he 's acting this way . He knew that I would have to go back to school . " " Michael , he just resents the fact that he 's stuck here right now and the fact that you are going back to school is a reminder of that . And he hates it . You have to be extra patient right now and just let him work it out . He needs time , Michael , he just needs time . " " Knowing the two of you , I don 't believe you don 't have the patience ! " Steve tapped Michael lightly on the shoulder teasing him in the process . " Oh , come on , you know him well enough to know how long his moods last , Michael . If you don 't I 'd be shocked . " He blushed at Steve 's innuendo and smiled at the same time . Michael knew that Steve was one hundred percent right . Michael kept walking to clear his head and just give himself time to think . It was what he needed : time to think about Trent and what he was going through . He did feel bad . He just wasn 't sure what to do for him , or how to reach out to him . Perhaps he should talk to Sarah . She would know what to do with him and how to get him out of the rut he was in . He got on his cell phone and called Sarah . Of course it would be something easy : just change the subject and get his mind off of what is bothering him , redirect his attention she will say . What was bothering him was being in the hospital and not being in school , yea , right , simple ? How in the hell was he going to do that ? It would have to be something outrageous . Something he wouldn 't expect and something he could pull off in the hospital . Of course this would be easy for him . Yea , right , he thought . He was going to need help , maybe enlist the help of Steve and Walter somehow , something to get Trent out of these bad feelings . " Hey , guys , I need your help to get Trent out of this rut he 's in . Something outrageous , but something we can get away with in the hospital . What do you have for ideas ? Anything at all would be helpful . " " Okay , I 'm going to grab something to eat and just waste some time and let him be for now . He 's in no mood for me right now anyway . So I might as well eat . " " I know with bacon , crisp , lots of butter and milk , really cold . I remember , Michael . " Michael laughed and guessed his trademark breakfast had become his brand now , since people could remember it so well . He would have to tell Trent that Steve remembered his breakfast even after all this time , even the extra butter . Well , maybe he would leave the butter part out . Trent would yell at him about that part . Trent always told him that butter was just a heart attack waiting to happen later on in life , especially the way he ate it almost every day . His meal was delivered as was Steve 's and Walter 's . They were having the same as Michael , who laughed seeing his favorite breakfast having caught on the two men . As they ate they all discussed what they might be able to do for Trent to get him out of his rut . They finally came up with an idea and Michael loved it and agreed to it . Now the thing was to pull it off without tipping off Trent . He hoped he could do this one without Trent catching on . It had happened often when Michael had tried to surprise him and somehow Trent would catch him at it before he could pull it off . Three days later he was sitting in Trent 's room . Mr . Glooms room as he was thinking of it lately . Clay and Sarah were there and he was hoping they would leave soon , as his surprise would be arriving shortly and he didn 't want them here for that . He would die of embarrassment if they were . In about two minutes he would take Clay outside and explain the situation and have Clay take Sarah for a twenty minute walk if he had to . Time was up . " Dad , I 've planned a little surprise for Trent and I don 't think Mom would like to see it . It 's a male stripper and he 'll he here in a few minutes . Would you mind leaving for about twenty to thirty minutes ? " Michael hung his head his face bright red from having told his father in law what was up . " At least let this guy put on his little show ? And then you two can come back . I 'll call you as soon as the coast is clear . " Clay laughed , thinking about the idea and how good it was and how it would get Trent out of his current mood . " I 'll distract her Michael . Sarah said the same thing on the way in this evening that he needed something to get him out of this mood he 's been in . So I 'll take her for coffee downstairs and then in a little while we 'll come back up . " " Not me this time ; it 's your son . Michael has planned a little surprise for Trent and , being the gentleman he is , he didn 't think you should be there . So he asked me to entertain you while his surprise showed up and entertained Trent . " " Well , my love , to be honest with you , Michael got Trent a male stripper . " Sarah 's face got red and faked being embarrassed over the ordeal . But inside she loved the idea and hoped that it would help Trent get him out of his bad mood . " So do I , pumpkin , so do I . " They walked the rest of the way in peace and quiet and with pride thinking of Trent and Michael . The thought about what life had been like since Michael had come to live with them that first night . They talked for some time about all the things that transpired , both the good and the bad . Right now it was Trent 's turn to experience the bad thing . No rhyme , no reason , it was just the way it was . An orderly came into the room , pushing a cart , covered in a blue sterile material . He informed Trent that some tests had been ordered , and that he liked to listen to music while he did his work . Trent really didn 't want to hear the music , but he figured the sooner the test was over the faster the kid would be out of here . Michael closed the door cause the music was a little on the loud side . Trent was surprised by the volume . However , he liked what he heard . He closed his eyes and tapped his hand on his cast to the music . The dancer was now dancing to the music and Michael poked Trent in the ribs and his eyes flew open . He finally noticed what was going on because the guy was taking his scrubs off . Now Trent really opened his eyes , the guy was built , really built . The saying built like a brick shithouse came to mind when thinking of a description as he reached out and took off his rubber gloves and stethoscope . Now he took off his mask and cap . Michael didn 't know what Trent thought , but he himself thought that guy had the face of an angel . Michael began to think that this wasn 't such a good idea , because Trent was practically falling out of the bed trying to watch this guy . And then he took of the pants . Both of them had a hard time containing themselves . He had a solid nine inches and the black satin underwear glistened in the light and there was definitely a wet spot at the end of his dick . Michael caught Trent licking his lips . He guessed he had taken his mind off of his current problem . Now he had another problem he would gladly take care of for Trent . The sheet showed Trent 's problem quite prominently . He didn 't seem to mind at the moment or at least he didn 't seem to notice . The stripper finished his routine and shut off the music and both guys were aroused to say the least . Michael paid the guy . He left as quietly as he had entered the room , blending into the hospital atmosphere in his scrubs . Trent was smiling and was in a much better mood . Michael had successfully altered his frame of mind with a simple striptease . Who would have thought it would be this easy ? Michael was glad to see a smile on Trent 's face again . Now he just had to jerk him off to complete the smile he was sporting . " Oh , Mikey , it 's been so long " Trent could barely speak . " This feels so good , you have no idea how good this feels . Make it last for me , please . " The pleading broke Michael 's heart . No wonder Trent had been in such a mood : he hadn 't had a chance of any sexual release in a while . Michael slowly stroked Trent 's cock up and down . It took mere seconds for him to produce precum . Michael used it to coat Trent 's penis . He was producing so much that Michael 's hand was even getting wet from it . But he remained slow and steady stroking Trent 's cock , promising himself that he would give him a really first class hand job . Perhaps even edge a little , make him beg for it , although it probably wouldn 't take much for him to make him beg . He quickened his pace for about twenty seconds and slowed down for about the same amount of time . He repeated this for about five minutes , driving Trent mad with sexual urge . He was silently screaming inside , desperately in need of orgasmic bliss . Michael stopped completely and walked away from the bed , leaving Trent looking devastated . Michael closed the door and returned to a smiling Trent . " I thought I 'd make this a little more personal than just a hand job . That 's just so cold for you and me . " Having said that , Michael lifted the sheet and leaned down and engulfed Trent 's cock with his mouth . Trent immediately lifted his ass off the bed , trying to insert as much of his cock into his lover 's orifice as he could . Trent was in heaven and wanted this pleasure to last forever . Michael was giving him head for what seemed like the very first time . He just knew how to suck him off and bring him to the very edge of almost cumming and orgasmic bliss with the use of his tongue and lips , and the suction he was creating was mind bending . Michael stopped long enough to come up and give Trent a kiss on the lips and Trent groaned in mock agony and part in truth from the torture that Michael was putting him through . Michael was swirling his tongue around in Trent 's mouth and there was no doubt were his tongue had been . After a few minutes of kissing , Michael went back to sucking Trent 's cock . This time he was determined to bring him to a climax . He cradled Trent 's balls in his hands and lovingly rocked them in between his fingers , slowly stretching them and then lightly dragging along the skin with his fingernails . It was something that Trent loved , and Michael made it a habit of keeping his nails just the right length for Trent 's sexual pleasure . It sent chills throughout his body during sex with Michael . The tension was building up in his body and Michael could feel his balls draw closer up and get tighter . As his body signaled that his orgasm was getting closer , he decided to turn on the power and sucked harder and quickened his pace . He soaked Trent with his saliva and hummed as he took him further down his throat . Trent was grasping at the sheets as the orgasm racked his body . It finally took place and his body shook . Michael tried to take it all , but since he hadn 't cum in some time the volume was just too much and some escaped from his mouth and coated Trent 's cock . With his good hand Trent lovingly felt Michael 's erection through his jeans . Michael leaned into him and without any trouble came . Trent leaned forward and kissed Michael as he lingered in the world of his orgasm . He was too spent to move . Michael kissed his way up Trent 's stomach up to his neck and Adam 's apple . He kissed his ear and then kissed him on the mouth and left his sperm there for him to savor . " I hope you liked your surprise . I know I sure did . " " Oh hell YEA , I loved my surprise " Trent was beaming from ear to ear . Michael cleaned everything up and sat back down . About five minutes passed and there was a knock on the door . Clay and Sarah had returned from their coffee . " I know I haven 't been exactly the most pleasant person in the world lately . What can I say ? These casts , you try them on and see how you feel , honestly , you wouldn 't feel much different than I do , trust me . " Days turned to week and before long Trent was out of his leg cast , but he was still wearing the cast on his arm . The doctors were telling him that it would be another three to six weeks before it would come off and that would turn into an air cast from then on . Trent groaned in exasperation . He truly was tired of living in the casts . Since January it had been fourteen weeks of dealing with casts and Trent was done with them , at least mentally . The next step was physical therapy and that was something he was not looking forward to either . He was trying to hold off until Michael was on summer break . He had registered for three classes for the summer session . The casts were bad enough . He couldn 't imagine what they were going to do to him in physical therapy . Trent thought about Michael 's mother for the first time in a long time and wondered what Michael was thinking and how he was dealing with it . They hadn 't talked about it for some time now and he was concerned that Michael hadn 't said anything . He hoped that Michael wasn 't withdrawing inside himself over the whole thing ; he knew that it could happen . He was going to have to talk to him about the situation . Trent knew he would be devastated by the loss of his mother , let alone by the hands of someone who had shot her . This had to be killing Michael inside . First chance he had when they were alone he would bring up the conversation and gage his reaction . That could be tricky . Sometimes it was hard to read Michael when it came to emotional things , and this was one of those hard times . So many times he had tried to break into the conversation and Michael would shoot him down before he even really got started . Trent hated the hard times , mostly because he hated fucking up with Michael . He just wanted everything to be perfect with him . He knew that wasn 't always going to happen , but he hoped he could work on that . He was going to try anyway . He heard Michael come into the house and his heart skipped a beat . He wondered why , after all this time , his heart still did that . Not that he minded , not at all ; not one bit . When Michael came into his room , Trent was sporting a smile a mile wide . " Stop it , Trent ; you know how I get when you say things like that . I get all flustered , so stop it right now , and I mean it Trent . Not that I don 't appreciate it , it 's just that I don 't know how to . . . oh just stop it . " " No , you may not Mr . Evans . Now sit here and be a grown up and listen to me for a few minutes . And then maybe , just maybe , if you 're good , you can have milk and cookies . " " Being honest , Trent , I don 't know what to think . I 'm not sure who did it . If my father did it , then let him get what he deserves , lethal injection , the electric chair , whatever , blow his head off . I believe in an eye for an eye . Shoot him the same way he shot my mother . If Kevin did it , the same thing goes for him . The same punishment applies . Why would it be any different ? I don 't know anyone else who could have done it . I 'm out of suspects after that . My mother was nice to anyone she met Trent . She went out of her way to help people . Two weeks after we moved into this town , she was helping people that were moving into town and she sounded like she knew this place like the back of her hand . I don 't know how she did it and it was like that in every town we lived in . " " She knew how to make people feel at home , Michael . Some people are like that and just have that ability in them from the moment they are born . You have to admit that she made you feel safe and protected from the minute you moved in . " " You 're right , she did do that . " " Your mother was like that , except she could do it on a larger scale , Michael . She did it so many times ; she was just used to it . I just don 't want to see you withdraw from me or anyone because of it . I want you to talk to me about this and keep talking , okay ? Will you promise me that ? I 'm worried about you , you know that , don 't you ? " " I heard that , you two " . Sarah was walking down the hall passing the bedroom as she happened to hear their conversation and had decided to listen in on it . She knew she shouldn 't have , but she was caught up in the concern in Trent 's voice and her curiosity got the best of her . She wanted to hear what was said . " Honestly , I didn 't mean to intrude in your privacy , but when I heard what the subject was I grew concerned and wanted to hear what you were thinking , Michael . I 'm glad to hear what you had to say and what you feel I think it is very admirable . If it gets to a point and you have any questions , please feel free to ask if Trent can 't answer any of them , okay ? " " Mr . Sex Machine . Smooth Michael , that was really smooth , I 'm sure if she heard that , she heard the whole conversation . Not just part of it . Delicious , don 't you think ? I 'll tell you one thing : I 'm not looking forward to that damn physical therapy thing starting tomorrow , that 's for sure . It has me worried , Mikey . " " Why , Trent ? You can do this . Just look at it as going to the gym and doing exercises , that 's all , and you 'll get through it just fine . You want me to join you ? How about if Tiny and I come and help you do it ? I know Tiny has been asking about you a lot lately and how you 're doing . He hasn 't seen you since before Thanksgiving and he would at least like to see you again before the summer rolls around . Why don 't you let him come and help you lift weights ? " " Michael , I told you I don 't want people I know to see me like this . I 'm not going to have this conversation again , got it ? Or are we going to have a fight over this again ? " No , we aren 't . I 'm leaving the room and let you be alone . Just the way you want it . It 's a shame , because people are just trying to help you get better and trying to make it so you 're not struggling all by yourself . But Trent , you have your head so far up your ass you just can 't see it . I have some homework that needs to be done and that 's the way it goes , got it , Trent ? " Michael got up and walked out of the room , leaving Trent to stew for a while . He would have to deal with his own thoughts by himself . Michael was tired of Trent being selfish whenever it suited him . He spent the rest of the night working on his homework and went to bed not saying goodnight to Trent . He left early in the morning before Trent got up for Physical Therapy . Trent got up and was afraid of what he was facing . He regretted the fight he had had with Michael the night before and wished he had gone to him last night and had said so . He hated going to sleep being mad at him . He had made a promise to himself a long time ago to not do that and here he was , doing just that again . He would beg for Michael 's forgiveness tonight after dinner , although he felt as though he didn 't deserve it . I 've been writing for a few years now and have come to enjoy the feedback I get from you guys . A lot has to do with why I keep writing . I use to be a personal chef but no longer work , I 'm retired . Did so at the age of 49 . having fun just enjoying life . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
I asked my husband to dig up the arugula bed - - the flea beetles distroyed it pretty much , and it 's not worth harvesting any of it . He pulled some potato plants and the yield is small - - but I harvested some potatoes to give to my customers . The summer lettuce is superb ! And peas are coming in . Beets are still small , not growing much , but the greens are beautiful . And the broccoli raab is being attacked by flea beetles , but it still looks pretty good , and I have a couple of trays coming to re - plant . Everything else , zucchini , cucumbers , melons are starting to grow lush . The eggplants have some flea beetle damage , but they seem to be withstanding it . If I had enough ree - may , I would cover all of these , but I really need the ree - may for the collards and kale . Next year - - I plan to build into my business plan to have enough ree - may for these plants that are susceptible to squash beetles , and flea beetles . Tomatoes are looking good , and are growing well . Peppers are starting to show the fruit . Still need to get labels for the jam , and need to make red current jelly and gooseberry jam this weekend , so I need to buy jars and lids . The raspberry crop is looking like it will be a good one , and I want to make some early raspberry jam , but mostly I can freeze those for making jam later . I have to keep an eye on the apples , as we will no doubt get some good early apples for making applesauce with . I was tired last night , and starting to feel like it is too much work for all of this . I know that I just have to work through these feelings , and by proper planning , I will be able to get the most for the least - - at least in theory . The fall is a key time to prepare the beds with cow manure , cover crops , and double - digging . In the lower field , now , we have planted buckwheat , and it will smother a lot of the weeds that are so difficult there . By cutting the buckwheat when it flowers , and creating raised beds , and put fabric down in the pathways , we will be able to control the weeds a lot better next spring . I am thinking of putting my strawberry bed there , however , and I want to do them in rows on black plastic . Well , maybe not . I 'm not sure . It 's near the road , and I want something there that is pretty . Maybe the cutting garden should go there . On another note , I went to New York on Friday . The bus trip in was way too long , with the traffic , and the detours that we had to take for some reason . I left Lambertville at 4 and go into New York at 7 - - for a trip that from Clinton usually doesn 't take more than 1 1 / 2 hours . But I got there , and had time on the bus to read some spiritual stuff from the AA 's twelve and twelve book . When I got to the city , I decided to walk uptown rather than deal with the new metro cards , which I need to get the hang of . It was great to walk from Port Authority to the Hilton , and it was perfect new York weather , hot and steamy , people crowded everywhere , although it tested my patience with the crowds along 42 street , where it seemed difficult to get through some of the people waiting to see movies . And along sixth avenue I noticed a lot of these bicycle - driven taxi jitneys that seem to be a new thing . There were a lot of them , and one I remember bicycling past me with a woman as passenger , and she was languidly smoking a cigarette - - probably the only place where one can sit down and smoke in New York right now in public . And everyone has a cell phone to their ear . I was definitely in the miThe lecture was good , but I was leery . She is kind of a new - age guru , and I read her book , Loving What Is - - and it has some good , practical stuff to keep the negative and projecting thoughts at bay . She said that " we either believe our thoughts , or we question our thoughts " and has the questions to apply to every thought that causes stress . All very good , and usable . And I can use her " work " in my own life . And I now she was there to try to get people to sign up for the $ 225 weekend ( saturday ) seminar . But at least all the money stuff was done with some class , and she presented a good program . Another tool for the toolbox . I took the subway down to the village , finally daring to deal with the metro card at the vending machines , and got down there in no time . Randy was home , and I stayed in Mary 's little room . Randy 's mother just died , and he sat up with me for an hour talking . I told him about the lecture . He knows a lot about my life , and I now a bit about his and mary 's , so we could talk pretty easily about matters of the heart . Now I am back at work on Monday , and I am going to go and get those labels at lunch . My friend who came to the meeting with me last Thursday , told me this morning that she is not ready to stop drinking . That she can control it , and it is her boyfriend 's drinking that she wants to understand and perhaps control , because it is only when she is with him that she drinks out of control . I will not push her . Now she knows where the meeting is , and when she is ready , if that happens , she knows where to go . Detach with love . I will however , try to find her an Al - anon meeting that she can attend . She wants to focus on the relationship , and that will be a good place for her to get some help . Today a double dose of therapeutic activity . First , went to the meeting at 7 am , and my friend did show up . The meeting was a powerful one , where I heard a lot of good things , and one funny but true acronym - - Son Of a Bitch , Everything 's Real ! Get it ? SOBER . Then I had a meeting with therapist at noon . He said it was going to be the Tick Session , as I told him all the stories about the ticks . Aside from the greusome details , I laughed a lot , and we talked about stuff . I want to go to New York tomorrow night to see Byron Katie , who wrote a book called " Loving What Is . " She 's giving a seminar on Saturday , to which I am not going , but she 's also having a two hour discussion / lecture ( free ) , that I will go to . I used to go hear Marianne Williamson at Town Hall years ago , and enjoyed that . Lots of people from the Program went to hear her , and so I would often see a number of people I knew , or recognized . I am always looking for additional support to enhance my sobriety . I am not sure I am going . I need a place to stay overnight , and can 't get in touch with Mary Bassett yet , to ask if I can stay there . I have some other options , but I don 't know how much energy I will put into it . I could come back on the bus , but I would have to miss part of the discussion / lecture , unless I took the 11 : 30 bus , which gets into Clinton at 1 am . I am not going to ask Michel to meet me at that late hour , so I want to stay over and take an early morning bus back . I don 't like this hot weather . Flea beetles attacked the arugula stand , and it looks awful . I think I will just pull it all up and put a cover crop there until I figure out what else to plant . I can use that plot for my fall garden , so if I put in a cover crop for the next month , it will grow quickly and smother the stupid bindweed that 's taken root there . We have a clutch of baby ducks that were born ( hatched ) today outside our office building , in the back courtyard . Everyone is worried because the mother built her nest on the ledge ( sort of a brick wall about three and a half feet high ) , and we are afraid that the babies will fall from the ledge and die . Now , I just went out to look at them , the mother is gone for now , and the babies are under a bush planted on the ledge , and I saw a co - worker and she 's afraid that a hawk will come . We are all afraid of one thing or another with them . We were afraid when she was sitting that a passersby would hurt her , or the groundskeepers would scare her off her nest with their loud equipment . Now it 's another story . And either I start getting anxious , or I refuse to think about it . Creative Services took a picture of them all and sent it to all of us , and I put it on my desktop . Went to the meeting this morning . Heard someone say ( can only paraphrase ) that Life is neutral . It doesn 't " do " anything to us . It just is . It is what we do with what happens that causes us to suffer . Well , I am still a reacter , and I still react to everything with heightened emotions . I need to hear other voices inside my head aside from my own , which are often up to no good , and the meetings help me to hear solutions to all my ills . Delivered to two clients . At the second one , no one was home , and I had been instructed that that might be the case , and to put the stuff in the frig . Well , there was a lot of stuff from last week , hadn 't been touched , and some was starting to turn . So I took it out of their frig , and put it in my car to give to the chickens , or to compost . And I left a note with my invoice , alerting them to the fact that I replaced the greens . I know only the husband is home right now , for a couple of weeks , and his wife asked me to deliver anyway , but I bet he isn 't even preparing his own meals while she is gone . Well , it 's none of my business , I found it funny that the greens were still there , unused . Now , my crazy mind would love to read something into this , but I am going to let it go and not think about it . My client at work is going away for two weeks , and I won 't bring anything for him . That gives me a breather tonight , as my stepdaughter and her husband are coming , and I won 't have to harvest . I can make up the money when I put out the table for the farmstand . Still didn 't get labels for the jam . Have to do that on Friday . I saw a market umbrella today at CVS for nineteen dollars . Have to talk to Michel about it , and go to BJ 's to look at their umbrellas . I need one that is solid , and stable . If we just put out a table , do we drill a hole in it and put the umbrella sticking up out of the home , will it stay stable and not blow over in a wind ? It can get windy in that area . Tonight I can relax , still have to plant , have japanese eggplants to put out , and summer lettuce . Michel got trays ready for fall garden seedlings , and have to thin more of the plants in the house . Have to check supplies , plastic bags , etc . But we will have a nice dinner , pasta with fresh shrimp and garlic , and swiss chard thrown into the mix , salad greens . I 'm happy my friend wants to come to the meeting tomorrow . I told her I would wait outside or at the door until the meeting started . I hope she comes . If not , now at least , she knows where it is . Feeling kind of groggy at the moment . It was no doubt the piece of cake pressed into my hand at a baby shower given to coworker in the large conference room a half hour ago . I had a moment where I could have put the paper plate on the table , but I rationalized that it wouldn 't hurt to take bite , just to participate , expecially since the alcohol in the punch was smelling so strong . It was a sickly - sweet - looking pastel - colored frosting - laden yellow cake , and I thought it would be too much , but I liked it , and ate the whole piece . Now I feel off . A number of people commented on the dark glasses and that they heard about the tickbite . Each time this brings up old stuff . Last night driving home from work , something hurt me between two fingers on my right hand . It couldn 't be , I thought , but it was . I was driving , and with my prescription dark glasses , couldn 't really get a clear look , but I knew it was yet another tick . I wanted to pull over , but had to stop for gas anyway , so I waited till I got to the gas station . While the man was filling up the tank , I took off my glasses and peered closely at the area , and there was indeed another miniscule tick biting me between my ring finger and my little finger . How in the world did I get it on me , having been at work all day , and I didn 't even go outside for lunch ? What is the lesson that the universe is trying to teach me ? I do have issues around ticks . Let 's see . I remember my mother digging one of the large dog ticks out of my scalp when I was little . She did everything harshly , and that was not an exception . Another time I almost burned the house down as a teenager when I found a tick crawling on me , and tried to kill it with a burning match , only to drop the match on a kleenex , which exploded into flames , which caught onto the kitchen curtains . I was able to get the fire out , but was pretty shaky . Okay , that 's the extent of my tick experiences . I am going to stop this right now , and put the tic - dread to rest . I need to harvest tonight . Picked the salad this morning , and Michel was going to spin it . I am now putting nasturtium blossoms into the salad mix bags . It looks so pretty that way . I have two bunches left of senposai , and will pick swiss chard , kale , arugula , parsley , and maybe broccoli . Beets still not quite big enough , but soon . I am taking someone to the meeting on Thursday . This is what it is all about . The spinach is finished , as is the Senposai and Marobi Santoh . Michel will clear the bed and add some dried blood , and I will plant the melon seedlings still left over . Things will shift this week , as I will have more beets and turnips to harvest , the rest of the broccoli , although I 'm thinking I will not pull the plants , as the broccoli plants will still send up smaller shoots to harvest for a while . I will also have peas to harvest , and we will see if there are any potatoes ready . Michel will get ready some more trays for seeding , asI need to start on the Fall Garden . Things to do this week : I need to thin carrots and beets , plant the japanese eggplants , fertilize the kale and collards , and watch out this week for the harlequin beetle , as we are expecting a heat wave . That bug distroyed my entire Fall Garden last year , and it overwinters in the soil , so I have to watch out for its emergence . Of course , where it was last year I avoided planting any of the brassicas , so it will have to search to find them , but I am ready . I got some pyrethrin / rotenone concentrate ( which is approved by certifying agencies for use in organic gardens ) . My plan is to use it if I see an infestation , and to use row covers on the beds that have been sprayed , to keep bees and other beneficials from contact . The problem is , it also kills earthworms . So I will have to accept that . I know from years of organic gardening , that the key to plant health is healthy soil . But last summer we had a drought , and it seems the reason for the infestation was that . All the plants were under stress , even with lots of mulch to keep the moisture in the soil . Also , one thing is I saw them the year before on the kale , not as bad , but they were there , and we had a drought that summer , too . I didn 't know what they were , and didn 't pay too much attention until last year , when they emerged , and found the brassicas . By the time my fall seedings were in the ground , they had multiplied heavily . In all the literature I saw , they are usually found in the south , up toHave to check for Potato Beetles , this week as well . Still more ticks . Found two tiny ones on me last night in the bath . So we have to do tick checks every night from now on , until they go away . My eye is much better today , though still unsightly . I found an old pair of prescription sunglasses I had in college , and I look " au courant . " I hope , in them . Everyone is gone from work this afternoon , going to play miniature golf , part of the Summer Camp initiated by Human Resources . Since I am now on the antibiotic for Lyme 's and am supposed to stay out of the sun , I begged off . And I need to make up some work I lost on Friday . But I hope to leave early , anyway . Michel and I talked a lot about re - configuring some of our property to add more garden beds , but ornamental , this time . And privacy area for people to sit in shade , and look at some of the gardens . I 'm tired today . Part of the antibiotic effects , I think . My eye is a bit better today , although I did have to pry it open this morning . But at least it didn 't awaken me with intense pain as in the past two days . The antibiotics are kicking in . We might get some sun today . It is trying to come out . I need to get about 7 or 8 flats of plants planted today , because the rest of the week it will be sunny and hot . That will give the melons , basil , and tomatoes , and eggplants the jolt they need to get moving . I need to harvest tonight . But only for one client tomorrow morning , unless my friend in Finesville decides she wants to come today and buy some produce . I talked with Michel about how we are going to set up our ' farmstand ' which will happen in the next couple of weeks as the potatoes are ready to be harvested . I just want a table , and we need to make a couple of fairly large signs . Everything this year will be totally portable and easy to set up , as I don 't expect the farmstand to take off for a couple of years . We just don 't get the road traffic here . I think it will be a word - of - mouth thing , and eventually we will be known for having the farmstand . While I have a full - time job , and while we are not able to bring in enough income with the garden for me to leave the job , the whole enterprise will need to grow slowly . This week I have to get labels for jam , will go to Peddlar 's Village in Lahaska , where there is a cooking - wares store , and I got nice labels there last year . Have to think of how to get labels with our logo on them , for next year , or maybe for the fall . Also need to use up the raspberries in the freezer , as I will be freezing new raspberries for making jam later in the season . I will give my customers fresh raspberries , but will put aside the major crop for jam - making , when the weather cools down in the fall , unless I have the time to do it this summer , and it isn 't too hot . I will think about that . But I will soon be making jam with gooseberries , and red currents . Also need to keep any eye out ( only have one good eye anyway , right now ) for other fruits coming into season . Posted by : basha / 10 : 03 AM It 's raining , still . The garden is happy , though . With raised beds the drainage is very very good . All the plants are healthy . Even the tomatoes are growing . Michel weeded some areas , and they look Frenchified . The story of the tick , continued . I didn 't post on my blog yesterday . Instead , I woke up with a very bad eye infection . This was curious to me , because Thursday at work , during my lunch hour I was writing in my blog , and I started to write about the tiny tick on my eyelid . By late afternoon Thursday , the site where I had been bitten had started to swell . I think I was unconsciously aware of something happening there , and my writing about it was no coincidence . When I got home , the swelling had increased . I told Michel that I was going to call the doctor first thing in the morning . The pain in the lid area of my eye woke me up . I took an advil and after a while the pain went away , but the swelling was pretty bad . I called the doctor 's office and left a message , as they wouldn 't get in until 8 : 30am . They called shortly after that and arranged for me to come in at 11 am . So I called my job and told my boss that I needed to go to the doctor , that I had been bitten by a tick , and thought that it needed attention . I drove to the doctor 's office , and after waiting a half - hour in the waiting room reading magazines , I was called into a room ; the nurse took my blood pressure , and she sympathized with the look of my right eye - - which had swelled considerably . Then she left , and I waited for John , the doctor . So I 'm flipping through a magazine , and I looked down at my left forearm and noticed a tiny spot that hadn 't been there before , and realized that there was another tick on my arm . Years ago my cousin , who was a teenager when I was a child , had all kinds of magazines that were interesting to me , that he kept hidden in his room . I remember one which had a scantily clad woman on the cover ( well , they all did ) and she , and some guy were fighting there way through the jungle and they were surrounded by huge ticks . Or maybe they were spiders . Anyway , the vision was terrifying . I was starting to feel the same sense of terror as I contemplated the tick on my arm while coping with the sensation of a swollen and blurry right eye . Another tick horror story came to mind . When I was nineteen , I lived with a wealthy family in Greenwich Connecticut as a mother 's helper . They had adopted a little girl , and I took care of her for nine months , and after that they adopted a baby boy . They had a beautiful house , needless to say , which had been designed by the woman 's father , who was a past president of the American Institute of Architects . The house was very contemporary , with huge glass windows , outside decks over a ravine , and an inner courtyard , around which the house rambled . They had two large collie dogs who slept on the corridor floor outside the bedroom of the baby boy . I was the one who went in to the baby 's room in the morning to get him up , and usually had to step over the sleeping dogs . One morning I went down the corridor , and noticed something strange , like a film on the wall . As I examined it closely , to my dread and horror , the wall was covered with thousands of tiny ticks , which were climbing up the wall . Tick eggs , either embedded somehow in the dog 's long hair , or which had been laid in the persian rugs on which the dogs slept , had all hatched at the same time . Now , it may have been hundreds of ticks , not thousands , and my vision had distorted the scene , but the sensation was the same . The nightmare scenario , in which nature invades or threaten horrifically . We got the children out without harm , and later they had the house fumigated , ruining some rare wooden floors . John came in and I told him about the tick on my arm . He looked at it , then at my eye , and pronounced Lyme 's and told me what the treatment entailed . Well , I knew this , having seen my husband deal with Lyme 's a few years ago . Thirty days of antibiotics , and it was done . He took the tick out of my arm with tweezers . Now , here , I just have to say how grateful I am to have health insurance . And with prescription coverage . We have gone in and out of the system for years regarding health insurance . Every time I had a job , or Michel had a job we had full coverage . When he was consulting , and I was free - lance , we sometimes had it and sometimes didn 't . About seven years ago , I decided that we needed to have it come hell or high water . And we have had all kinds of health insurance since . Mostly the catastrophic kind , where we paid about 5 , 000 dollars a year and got nothing in return . Well , we would have benefitted if we had had a catastrophe , which luckily we didn 't . But paying 5 , 000 dollars a year , and still having had to pay for each doctor 's visit , plus medication , we made sure we didn 't get sick very often . But once Michel fell into the coal bin and broke his wrist , and it took us over a year to pay that off . Oh , I think that was when we didn 't have any insurance . Oh I don 't remember . But now I have a good HMO , with all my good doctors on it , and it even pays for therapy , which I have been using for a year . The benefit only covers 20 " mental health " visits a year , but since I started in July last year , and used twenty visits last year , and now I am going every other week , so it has been a whole year of therapy - - a tremendous benefit . It 's Saturday now . I have one good eye , and the rain is a bit less , so I am going to weed some more . Weeding is great when it has rained . They pull out so easily , it 's almost fun . My poor flower bed needs attention . Usually I am so focused on the vegetables that the flowers get short shrift , except for the cutting garden , which brings me money . The flower bed I need to weed is just for us . But it looks like hell , as does my herb garden , which will be next to get my attention this weekend . Last year , I had to abandon the herb garden because I had started my job in June , and was dealing with a level of fatigue that seems to come with new jobs , and the heat and lack of rain created the perfect situation for weed growth . And every day I passed the herb garden , and practiced letting go , because I was powerless over so many things . And this year the herb garden still has not been addressed very much . I have worked in it some , and planted some thyme , cilantro , fennel , and chamomile , but that is in only one quarter of it . The rest of it has that damn asian grass running rampant over everything . There are even blackberry brambles , and wild rose happily growing . I feel like getting the riding mower and mowing it all down , and starting over . The soil needs amending there ; and I can 't seem to catch up . I convinced John that I needed to stay home , not go to work . He said he would write a note if necessary , but I called my boss when I got home , and convinced him that my work would be done even if I took the day off . Michel went to the pharmacy and got my medicine . The stress of my eye infection was taking its toll and I took a long nap , with classical music on on the radio . I thought I would be embarrassed if anyone saw me trying to pull the tick off my eyelid . They should see me now , with a swollen face and tiny red eye peering out . If the swelling doesn 't go down by Monday , I will have new levels of embarrassment to deal with , as my coworkers traipse over to my area to see how horrible I look . So this is my spiritual work today , letting go of this stupidity . Here it is right in front of me . I am healthy ( even with the Lyme 's disease ) , I have love in my life , I live in my ideal place , I have it better than I ever had before in all realms ( except financial ) , physical , emotional , spiritual , and I am still struggling with my embarrassment . Like anyone cares about that . Posted by : basha / 6 : 50 AM Thursday . It was so beautiful this morning in the garden . Got up at 5 : 30 , needed to do some more harvesting for a client , and wanted to plant some melons before I got ready for work . Ended up staying too long in the garden , and when I went into the house to look at the clock , I had 5 minutes to get ready for work . So even though I scrubbed my hands , I couldn 't get the dirt out , and came to work ( late , anyway ) with dirty fingernails . Client is here at work , luckily . However , I did get some melon seedlings planted , then got involved in planting leeks , which I had already started a while ago , but didn 't finish then and left the seedlings in pots in the middle of the bed , never got back to them until now . Leeks don 't really interest me that much . I like to boil them young , though , fairly thin , and eat them lukewarm or cold with an anchovy and olive oil sauce . Harvested arugula , swiss chard , made a bunch of mixed kales and collard greens . Last night I had already harvested the salad greens , two bags , and made a bag of stir - fry mix - - tat tsoi , bok choi leaves , marobi santoh leaves , and osaka mustard leaves . I also picked strawberries this morning , trying to get a pint out of my meager crop . I felt bad for my strawberries , lost among the weeds . Next year , I vowed , I will treat you better . You will be allowed to fulfill your destiny . I managed to weed the celery root bed as well . There 's bindweed growing all over that area . After a rain like yesterday 's it is pretty easy to pull , but I have the feeling I will have to cover the entire bed with black plastic for a year , to get rid of the bindweed . Otherwise the soil looks good there . The celery root is growing in the barnyard garden , which was my first garden on our land ; I was planting there even before we closed on the house . That 's where I realized that we were a repository of deer ticks . For the last six and a half years we have dealt with the ticks as best we could . This week I came to work on Monday and went into the bathroom to put in my contact lenses . I noticed that there was something on the lower lid of my right eye . My eyes had been kind of gritty lately , some kind of hay fever , no doubt . But when I looked closely , I realized that it was a tiny , tiny tick attached to my eyelid . I was horrified , but more than that , I felt embarrassment , and tried to get if off before anyone saw me . No doubt I was flashing back to ten years ago when we first came out here . I was working at St . Martin 's Press in the Flatiron building in New York . My husband was working here in Pennsylvania . We had come out on a weekend to see if we could find a house to rent so that I could move out of Brooklyn , and he could move up from the suburbs of Philadelphia , which he hated . We went to Frenchtown , stayed in a B & B overnight , went out on Saturday , got a local paper , and over breakfast at the diner in Frenchtown , we looked at ads for houses to rPosted by : basha / 1 : 28 PM Wednesday , June 18 . Got up at 5 : 30 , was aiming for 5 at least . Too much ginger ale in the evening . We went to a garden club function last night . Saw some guy 's garden in Bethlehem . It was in a ranch - house neighborhood . Small ranches , with little front yards . He had a fenced - in back yard , and a border that ran all the way around the grass . I saw right away it was not my kind of garden . And when I said that to Linda , who I was happy to see there , I felt like a snob . So I tried to find it interesting . The man did have a lot of very nice looking plants , but no aesthetic , and if you zeroed in close to a plant , you could forget about the overall aesthetic , and see the beauty of the plant for what it is . The man himself was there , and I noticed that he had a cataract in one eye . It was hard to look at the eye , because it was opaque , like my dog 's shining in the light of a flashlight . He had some little ponds , with huge fish . The fish were too big for the ponds , and it gave them a cartoonish quality . Boy , I really sound like a garden snob . I 'm not . And if anyone came to my house and saw the mess I have everywere in the garden , they would lecture me about judging . But that 's the way it is . I feel like I have no time most of the time , and I needed to harvest some vegetables for two of my clients , and I went over to this guy 's house , but didn 't really want to be there . But I saw Linda , and we had a great conversation . Rick had told me recently that Linda was a painter , and I didn 't know that about her . I had been to her house a few times , and her husband had the whole basement devoted to his trains , and he was even famous for his trains , and somehow I never found out that she was a painter . So she told me the story about how , after getting breast cancer a few years ago , she got into art - as - healing , as she put it , and went to Moravian to get her degree in studio art . Late in life . Just like me . I went back at 39 , after my younger sister died of cancer and went to art school I figured , what the hell , death was so much in my consciousness , and it seemed the time to Seize the Day ! and I went to art school , because it was something I had always wanted to do since I was a kid and never did , for various reasons . I wanted to go to school , because I loved art and knew I wanted to learn stuff that I somehow felt I couldn 't do on my own . So I went back full - time , at 39 years old , to a school that was filled with twenty - year - olds . And had one of the most powerful experiences of my life . Validating , and enriching . Then after I got my degree , and had studios for a while , I needed to find out what I was doing with it . Why I was even painting . I didn 't have the kind of ego it seemed you needed to pursue this at the cost of everything else . Linda , too . She had to find the reason to paint . For me that has taken a long time . Now that we own a place , everything seems to be centered around that . To pay the bills . And I don 't have a problem with that . I know artists , and they have a belief in their art as their work . I needed to go to art school , spend that time learning - - and it 's kind of one of those things that I have thought about for a long time now - - that God ( or the universe , or whatever ) makes it possible for me to realize my fantasies - - only to come to see that " this isn 't it ! " I saw Emelia at the garden also . I love to see Emelia . She is Portuguese , as is her husband Tony , and they both grew up in Portugal . They bought some land , and Tony is planting a vineyard , and later they will build a house . Michel and I buy ( or exchange eggs for - - they never let us pay for ) vinegar from Emilia and Tony . He makes his own vinegar , and now he is going to make his own wine . Emelia said something about her garden in a self - deprecating kind of way , and I said to her , you have a wonderful garden ! , and they do ! No , she said it about Tony , how he thought everything should be like it is in Portugal , be self - sufficient , and that 's when I told her I loved their garden . They grow vegetables , like me , but he has fig trees , and fruit trees , and it is magical . He also raised rabbits and ducks for meat , although they don 't do that right now . Anyway , I always love seeing Emelia , she is a good - hearted , generous person , and is one of my favorite people in the garden club . I was eyeing the box of chocolates that were on a table , under a net - like contraption to keep the bugs off , but I got Michel and we went home , so I could do a bit more harvesting before it got dark out . Tuesday , June 17 . Got up at 6 , had hoped for 5 : 30 . Funny , but I was dreaming about blogs . Yesterday I read online a lot about blogs , and read some of the really popular one , like the fellow in Iraq . The blogs I looked at all have nice graphics , calendars , and places for readers to post comments . I have to learn about that . Anyway , got up at 6 . Let out the chickens . The babies are really getting big . I watched the flock last night for about a half - hour . We have two grown roosters . I forget what breed . They are large , white , with black markings . Very pretty . We were given the roosters by our chimney sweep , who said they would get along fine , they had been raised together , brothers . We should have known better . As soon as we put them with the brownies , one became the Alpha rooster , relegating his brother to the back of the coop . At first he wouldn 't even let his brother eat . So we separated them for a while . This was something we had been trying to avoid , as it means twice as much work , to have two flocks . Later we put them all together again , and they must have gotten into a fight , because now Alpha has a limp . But it is fun to watch them . Beta tries to jump on a hen , and Alpha comes running . Good thing roosters are really fast with their screwing , because Beta barely has time to get off the hen and run to another side of the coop or the yard . Poor Alpha , limping , has to keep an eye on Beta constantly . He is worried that Beta will fertilize one hen or another , and he can 't stand this . Also , when food is thrown into the run , Alpha and the hens get to eat , and then Beta has to wait until Alpha goes into the coop before he gets any scraps . They all stay pretty active . The hens are always with their butts in the air , right in front of the noses ( beaks ) of the roosters , a constant source of temptation . Last night I harvested lettuce . We have very fast - growing lettuce now , with all the rain . It is beautiful , but I have to harvest it soon , too soon . At least I have more trays to plant . If I can 't sell it , I will give it to the chickens . I also planted bush string beans last night , five short rows where a bed of lettuce had recently been . Mostly green filet , but two rows of yellow wax . The yellow wax did not germinate well in the lower garden , but it could have been that the soil was not warm enough . We will see . Michel put potting soil in six trays , and I seeded two summer lettuce , one broccoli raab , one bok choi , one tat tsoi , that 's five . Must have seeded three lettuce , as I used up all the trays . I also bought some melon seedlings yesterday , since my melons are just lingering wanly in the ground , and they are still pretty small . Noticed my pumpkins have germinated . Forgot where I direct - seeded the rutabaga . Hope I remember , as it has become my favorite root vegetable . I am nervous about the next two weeks , meeting my clients ' expectations . The broccoli is not looking good . I have to learn more about growing broccoli . Also , the Japanese greens are about finished , as is the spinach . So for this week , I have lacinato kale , swiss chard , flat - leaf parsley , arugula , mizuna , tat tsoi , strawberries , jam , and salad greens . But soon , I will be harvesting peas , broccoli raab , turnips , beets , raspberries , and will still have swiss chard , kale , parsley , arugula . It is quite a balancing act , especially as the weather doesn 't cooperate with my own time frames . But it seems I have enough , although it doesn 't look like much , empty beds . The hot weather stuff is slow , basil , tomatoes , eggplant , cucumber , beans , zucchini , melons . Oh , I forgot , I have rows and rows of new potatoes , that will be ready soon . I 'm excited about them . Herbs ready soon - - cilantro , thyme , lemon basil is growing fast . Tonight I want to go with the garden club and my husband on a tour of someone 's garden . That means I will really have to get up tomorrow at 4 : 45 in order to finish harvesting . There is so much to coordinate , like labels for jam , invoice blanks to get ready , rubber bands to buy . Michel is spinning the lettuce I harvested this morning , and will pick strawberries . I have to pick the rest tomorrow morning . It 's a challenge to get up that early . And when I do get up , to actually do something , not just sit around staring out at the world while I drink my coffee . I want to get to the meeting early tomorrow . I have been late for every meeting for the last three weeks . Monday , June 16 . Made two deliveries this morning , one at a private home , and the other at work . I had a very busy weekend in the garden , with one visit from a client who bought $ 20 worth of vegetables and jam . As I said , it was very busy , and I went off to Trauger 's farm market to pick strawberries for making jam . My own strawberries were a disappointment this year , due to all the rain , and to my not - so - good way of planting them . So it was a learning experience at Trauger 's to see how they plant their strawberries , and when my own plants start sending out runners this summer , I will cut the runners off , plant them in small pots , and then mow the whole strawberry field , put down rows of black plastic , and re - plant the runners in rows . I need the plastic because weeds are terrible in the strawberry field . I lost a lot of big berries due not only to the excessive rain , but because the berries needed air , as the weeds grew so fast . Next year , if I do the black plastic , should be better , rain or not . One thing I noticed with Trauger 's berries , they had a lot of funny - shaped berries , which I wonder about . Is this because of chemicals ? I don 't know if they use chemicals on their berries , but I assume so , since they do spray other things . Mutant berries . At least my strawberries look like regular strawberries . Mine taste better also . A good reason to stay chemical - free . So I made jam , both from non - organic strawberries , and some from my own . I got 22 jars , 6 of mine , and 16 of non - organic . I will pick next week also at Trauger 's , and make strawberry jam one more time . Of my own berries , I doubt that I will get another jam - making amount from them , but I will pick them for my clients . Soon the raspberries we have will be ripening , and I can make jam from them . Gooseberries are ready , lost quite a few to mold from the rain , I think , and then we will have red currents . My client who came this weekend , she wants to buy all the red current jelly I make . I will make them for her , but will keep some for our own private use . We 're getting a lot of orders for eggs . Too many for the amount the chicks are producing . Next year , I will get more baby chicks in the spring , and perhaps buy a brooder , so I don 't have to raise them in the house . People are raving about these eggs , and I know myself that I hate to eat eggs out anywhere , because they have such little taste compared with our eggs . The two new baby chicks are growing really fast now , and we think they are going to be roosters . They are fun to watch , and to watch their moms teaching them . One of our brownies died this weekend . She was having problems flying up to the ramp to go inside at night for the last few weeks , and we were having to help her . She got left out in the rain the other night when we went to the movies , and didn 't close the chicks until we got back . Michel said he shown the flashlight in the run , and didn 't see her . I saw her the next morning lying out in the run when I opened the chicks . I told Michel , but I thought she was already dead . He went out to get her , but he came back and said she was still alive . He put her up in the coop , and said that he was going back to dispatch her , but he put that off , and when he went back , he said she was dying , and he was not going to kill her , just let her die naturally . I hate it when they die . With all the rain , they were standing out a lot in the pouring rain , not going inside . We have been keeping chickens now for seven years , and have lost quite a few of them . Well , most of them were already old . We took a lot of chickens from other people , and didn 't know how old they were . We have already lost two of our new ones from last year . One got some strange paralysis of her legs when she was just a young chick , and we tried to keep her , but Michel had to kill her , because it was unworkable . I hate writing about this , feel like I haven 't done my homework around chickens . Very laissez - faire , just feed them , shelter them , and give them water . Should bone up on chicken diseases . We assume that the babies we get have been inoculatedThings I noticed this weekend . We pulled up a potato plant to see if it was ready to pull , but not yet . There were some nice little ones , but not enough , and the seed potato was still pretty full . All the plants are beautiful . Now I have to keep an eye out for the Colorado potato beetle , the little orange eggs on the underside of the leaves . Spot checking from now on . Some of the tomato plants have broken due to the rain , and the method I am using for staking them this year . Have to get some more strips of fabric to tie them better . Curious about the leaves on the tomato plants that are growing in the greenhouse . The leaves are tough , and I think it is sun - scald , but not sure . All the peppers look great , though . The melons are just sitting in the hot frame , which is curious . It has a lot of manure underneath the layers of straw and soil , so we don 't know what is happening yet . I saw a lot of flea beetles on the Japanese greens , and the arugula , and the turnips . I will hold back planting the rest of the eggplants for a while , until the flea beetles go . They are late this year , due to the cool weather . Planted more collards and lacinato kale and broccoli . Also brussels sprouts . Also planted more lettuce . Need to re - plant beans , bok choi , and tat tsoi . Also broccoli raab . Can 't seem to get the rest of the leeks planted . Maybe I really don 't want to . We didn 't use them too much last year . I just have to get to it . Also the rest of the fancy basil . And more flowers . Also direct seed more beets , and carrots . And think about the fall garden . I hope I can plant the red russian kale with the seeds I am saving from the plant in the greenhouse . That is becoming my favorite kale , it is so tender . I regret I don 't have enough this spring of the plants . Bt the seed I bought isn 't viable . As soon as this new seed crop turns dark , I will plant some in pots to see if it will germinate . Then I will use that seed for this coming fall , and definitely for next spring . The cucumbers and zucchini growing great . The pumpkins also germinated . It 's the melons that are giving me grief . I may go and buy some seedlings from the Homestead market and put those in , so that at least I will have something . The butternut squash also germinated , and I didn 't even get to plant the blue hubbard . Today I asked Michel to do some weeding in the beets and chard and parsley row . He is learning a lot and doing better . I asked him to plant the buckwheat cover crop last night , and he raked that lower field , and planted the seed . That field has a bad weed problem . Haven 't found the solution yet . Buckwheat should do it , but maybe we will have to double - dig , and use fabric for paths . Back to the baby chicks . We think they might be roosters . If they both are , we will have to take the other roosters to the auction , as it is too complicated with too many roosters . They don 't like to share with other males . The babies are being trained by their moms , and they are great fun to watch . We think the moms , who are both bantams , are our smartest chicks . Since the babies dads are both full - size chickens , the babies are growing so big , almost as big as their moms . Wonder how their final size will turn out . It was so hard to leave the place this morning to come to work . It was sweet , cool air , and smelled of honeysuckle and roses . Talked to Cindy this morning , and Clyde . Feel so loved at the meeting . Was able to give encouragement to George and Linda . Today is the first day of my blog . I went to an AA meeting early this morning before work , so I only had time to rearrange the plants that were under the lights upstairs , and the flats under lights downstairs . I could see that it is getting time to move some of the flats upstairs out to the cold frame , and it is time for the ones downstairs to get a trimming , or thinning . I cut out all the extra plants in a cell , in order to give one plant the change to develop a good root system . This used to bother me a lot , as I hated to kill any plants , but now I can do it with equanimity . Also , I get to eat some of the thinnings - - salad greens , etc . Then I went out to the garden to look around , and to pick some strawberries for my breakfast , which I will eat at work . Usually I get there at 8 : 30 , following the 7 AM AA meeting , so I have time to prepare something , and read the NY Times . I had one order for salad greens at work today , and I also brought in a bag of salad for my boss , who has been having a hard time in his life these days with his daughter being in the hospital and all . I am excited about the blog . I need to keep a record of the garden anyway , so I can write a business plan . And this will let my customers follow the progress of the garden , if they are interested . |
I feel disappointed . I 'm glad TK is going to be going to the alternative school because I don 't think he was going to be able to catch up at his regular school , and also I don 't think tutoring was going to be enough help for him , especially since his parents seemed unable or unwilling to get him to tutoring on time and all the other goofy stuff dad was doing . So I 'm glad for the kid but I 'm disappointed for me . Also , I can 't help feeling a little like maybe I wasn 't doing a good enough job . I don 't think that was the case . Dad told me that if I need a reference for other tutoring jobs , to please feel free to give people his number . I don 't think it 's about me . But , blah , sometimes the depression says it is . And I was feeling kind of depressed today , anyway . Service dogs are sometimes attacked by other dogs and sometimes by humans . It certainly doesn 't happen every day , but it 's a common enough occurrence that it 's a common topic of discussion among service dog handlers . Not just that attacks , but how to prevent them and how to protect your dog . Some service dog handlers carry pepper spray . Apparently pepper spray is not legal in all areas , or at least not pepper spray of a certain strength . Some service dog handlers suggest carrying a stun gun , which is also not legal in all areas . A commonly - heard suggestion is to carry an umbrella , the kind that pops open when you push a button . An umbrella may not be much of a defense against violent humans , but if an aggressive dog is coming toward your dog , you can point the umbrella at the aggressive dog and push the button so it pops open , forming a barrier between your dog and the aggressive dog and also startling the approaching , aggressive dog , hopefully stopping him in his tracks . While an umbrella might be fairly effective protection against aggressive , uncontrolled dogs ( that shouldn 't be in public places anyway ) , logistically it seems awkward at best to me . I thought about it the other day while grocery shopping with Isaac . I have only two hands . While grocery shopping with Isaac , I must hold Isaac 's leash , push the shopping cart , hold my shopping list and still manage to pick up items and put them in my cart . How would I hold an umbrella at the same time ? Just putting the umbrella in my cart wouldn 't be effective . I 'd need to have the umbrella ready to pop it open at any moment . I 'd have to have another hand . You 're probably thinking , why would a service dog be attacked by another dog in a grocery store ? Dogs aren 't allowed in grocery stores , right ? But there are people claiming their dogs are service dogs that bring aggressive dogs into public places where they shouldn 't be . I know a service dog handler that is currently dealing with an issue on her college campus . Another student has a dog she claims is a service dog that has attacked a couple of legitimate service dogs on the campus . I don 't know why the university disability services continues to allow her to bring her dog onto the campus . But anyway , it happens . A few days ago , I was going through my phone , deleted contacts that are people I rarely or never call and that I didn 't think I needed to keep in my phone . Like the general surgeon that did my breast biopsy last May . If I need a general surgeon again some day , I 'd probably go back to him , but I 'm not expecting to be calling him any time soon . I have his number in my address book if I need it . They have not spoken to me since November of 2013 . I don 't expect they will wish to speak to me any time soon . Or any time distant , for that matter . Maybe my sister will call me to let me know when my mother passes away or something , but she is not expected to die any time soon , either , as far as I know . I have considered deleted them from my contacts before , but kept putting it off . Not because I thought I might want to give them a call one day soon . Just because , I guess , it 's hard to sever those ties . It 's hard to acknowledge that they 've been severed . But now it 's done . And you know what ? I think I 'd like my contacts list in my phone to be full of people I like and respect , people that like and care about me . I have two contacts in my phone clearly designated as emergency contact people , but really , I like the idea that if I was in a serious car accident on the way to tutoring tomorrow and the paramedics picked up my phone as I was being rushed to the hospital and just pressed " send , " my phone would dial someone that cared about me . Someone that would care that I was critically injured . Someone that would ask , " What can I do to help ? " Yes , OK , if the paramedics happened to dial my auto mechanic , he probably would not drop whatever he was doing and rush to the hospital to be with me . But you know what ? I 'm scrolling through my contacts right now and this is what I see . The number of a good friend , one of my designated emergency contacts . Isaac 's vet , who , by the way , will provide any necessary emergency medical treatment to Isaac even if I am not available to hand over my credit card at the moment . A friend . Another friend . My primary care physician , who , I bet , would at least make an effort to contact an emergency contact person on my behalf . Isaac 's trainer , who would come and pick him up if I was critically injured and unable to take care of him . A friend . A good friend , my other designated emergency contact person . Another friend . And another friend . And another friend . My psychiatrist , who , I think , would also make an effort to contact an emergency contact person on my behalf ( if anyone actually got in touch with him , that is ; his office staff these days is not so hot ) . My dog walker , who would come and feed and walk Isaac if necessary . Another friend . But this is a revelation to me . I never thought about it until now . I want my phone to be full of numbers of people that care about me . People that would care if I was being rushed to the hospital , half dead . And you know what ? It is . It mostly is . Yes , I realize that I write about going to the grocery store a lot . Well , I don 't go that many places . But also , when you have a service dog , routine trips to the grocery store become , well , a little less routine , I guess . There 's a blog I 've been following , Rolling Around in My Head , and I read a post there where the author mentioned that he realizes he writes a lot about doors and floors , but that as a wheelchair user , those two things become much more important than they are to many other people . Maybe it 's the same with service dog handlers and grocery stores . Because I 'm not the only person I know with a service dog that always seems to have a story about a recent trip to the grocery store . Anyway . Today I went grocery shopping and I was ringing up my stuff at the U - Scan , Isaac lying quietly between my feet and the scanner . For a change he did not try to sprawl out in the middle of the floor in everyone 's way ( I make him move when he does that , he just does not seem to get the concept that he is likely to get his tail run over with a shopping cart that way ) . One of my purchases rang up incorrectly so I had to get an employee to assist me . He came over to the scanner and practically stepped on Isaac before noticing there was a dog there . Which is actually good , it means Isaac was being quiet and well - behaved and unobtrusive , like he is supposed to be . The poor startled teenager just kept saying , I 'm sorry , I didn 't know there was a dog there ! I don 't know if you realize how cool that is , but service dog handlers tend to get pretty excited about it when someone is surprised to notice their dog . It means the dog is doing a great job and it 's what you want to happen . Not the surprise , I mean , but the fact that people don 't even notice the dog . A few minutes later , a more typical interaction occurred . Isaac was still lying quietly on the floor while I was lifting my bags of groceries into my cart . There was a young couple using one of the other U - Scans and I heard them talking about Isaac . I heard the young man point out , " It says do not pet , " which indeed Isaac 's vest does say . And then the young woman came over , bent down close to Isaac 's face , and started baby - talking to him . She didn 't pet him , though . I told her to stop . I used to feel bad telling people to leave my dog alone but I don 't anymore . I feel annoyed at their behavior , but beyond that , I feel like my first and primary responsibility is to Isaac , and he needs people to leave him alone . She looked startled and then apologized . I finished loading my groceries and then decided to spend a minute educating , or at least attempting to educate . So I went over to her and explained that even if it looks like Isaac is just lying there , he 's working , he 's paying close attention to me , and it 's very hard for him to pay attention to me when people are talking to him because he loves the attention . She and the guy with her nodded . Hopefully they learned something . Isaac , I should add , did beautifully . He did stand up when the woman was bending over talking to him , but that 's it . His tail was wagging , but he didn 't attempt to jump on her or kiss her or anything like that . And he refocused on me as soon as I told her to leave him alone . So it 's been almost a week since I stopped taking Tramadol for pain and Flexeril for muscle spasms . Well , I 've taken a Tramadol twice since then , but I was taking four a day . And I haven 't had any Flexeril . In another day or two , I am supposed to increase the gabapentin to 100 mg twice a day . I hope that doesn 't make me drowsy during the day . I 've been taking it at bedtime and the first couple days , I think it made me sleep well . However , the last three nights , I 've slept like crap . The night before last , I was really worn out so I went to bed early . Like a little after 8 : 00 pm . But I couldn 't sleep . My back hurt and my arms hurt and I was thirsty . Like , so incredibly thirsty . I think the gabapentin is making my mouth dry , drier than usual . And my mouth is already dry . I think it 's a side effect of the Cymbalta . It 's a common side effect of so many psych meds . I 've dealt with it for years . But now , it 's like I can 't get enough to drink . Literally two minutes after drinking something , my mouth is like cotton and I am so incredibly thirsty . It 's hard to sleep because I am so thirsty . I drink , then I lie down , and before I can fall asleep , I am so thirsty I have to get up and drink some more . I know that sounds ridiculous , but it is what it is . Anyway . At night I can 't sleep because my back hurts and my arms hurt and my hips hurt and I am thirsty . The night before last , I was also hot , then I kicked off the covers and was cold , then I put the covers back on and was hot and sweaty , and so on . I was so tired I felt like crying . But it was after midnight before I fell asleep . Yesterday I was up before 6 : 00 am . I did nap for about an hour during the day . And last night ? It was a repeat of the night before . My arms hurt and I couldn 't find a comfortable position . Any way I lay , it hurt at least one arm in some way . I went to bed a little after 9 : 00 pm and it was after midnight before I slept . My head ached , my hips hurt , I was thirsty , I was hot , I was cold , I was so exhausted I didn 't want to move . Except I had to move , because my arms hurt in the position in which I was lying . But any way I moved , something else hurt . I 've been fairly busy the last few days and I think that distracts me from the pain , at least a little . But at night I 'm not distracted . And the pain is worse at night , and the anxiety is worse , and it makes it hard to sleep . I don 't know what I 'm going to do if I can 't get some sleep tonight . I 'm functioning better than I thought I 'd be , really . Today I did a load of laundry . Yesterday , the weather was really nice and I took Isaac for a long walk , about 45 minutes . Tuesday I picked up a few items at the dollar store , I tutored TK , and I even stopped at the office supply store to pick up a planner for him . His dad cancelled his tutoring session today , but I was planning to do it . So I 'm functioning . I 'm not just huddling on the couch under my electric blanket . Oh . I also think the gabapentin is making me nauseous . I 've been nauseous , anyway , off and on . I 'm hoping that goes away as I get used to the medication . When I first started the Cymbalta , I was nauseous for almost three weeks . Horribly nauseous . I was about ready to quit taking it but then I guess I got used to it and the nausea went away . This is not as bad , but I feel icky off and on throughout the day . Posted by But before my meltdown , Isaac and I went grocery shopping . I rarely go grocery shopping on the weekends . I prefer to go during the week , when the store is less crowded . But it was the weekend and I needed groceries . So grocery shopping we went . There were a lot of kids in the store and Isaac seemed unusually interested in / distracted by them . I don 't know why . He kept stopping while we were walking through the store to watch kids . At one point , this man with a toddler chased me down an aisle to ask me if his kid could pet my dog . Isaac really , really wanted to say hello to that kid . The kid was about as tall as Isaac . They stood there , nose to nose , Isaac 's tail wagging hard . The kid was about two , maybe three . He reached up and petted Isaac on the side of the face , really , really gently . It was so cute . Isaac loved it . And the kid told me " thank you " really nicely . A few minutes later , this kid that was about seven or eight came running toward me , asking , " Ma ' am , ma ' am , can I pet your dog ? " So I said yes and he petted Isaac and he asked me what my dog 's name was . He was shopping with his grandma and later on , when Isaac and I were on our way up to the front of the store to pay for our stuff , we saw the kid and his grandma , and the kid said , really loud and excited , " Grandma ! Look , Grandma ! There 's Isaac ! " One of my job duties was doing intakes on kids referred to the program . I met with the kid and at least one parent or guardian and gathered information about why they had been referred to the program and determined whether or not they were suitable participants for our program . Kids with serious mental illness or serious substance abuse programs , for instance , needed more intense treatment than what we provided and they were referred to appropriate services instead of enrolled in our program . On more than one occasion , I met with teens that behaved fairly appropriately during the intake and that apologized to me for the inappropriate behavior of their parents . I remember one telephone call in which an angry mother , upon being informed she was expected to attend the program with her child , shouted at me , " I don 't need no anger management , " along with some profanities . She called me back a little while later after her coworkers - apparently she had made that call from work and her coworkers could not help but overhear her cursing and shouting about how she didn 't need no anger management - suggested that perhaps she could use a little anger management after all and told her that she should call me back to apologize . I was impressed that she actually listened to them and did call to apologize . In the time that I worked at that job , I had the opportunity to facilitate anger management group sessions for teenage boys , teenage girls , and parents . The boys were the easiest . Teenage girls were more challenging , but the parents were the most difficult . I liked the parents group that I led for more than a year , but it was very , very challenging . The first day we met , dad brought him to the session . We meet at the public library . They arrived about five minutes late . No big deal . I had asked dad , four days earlier , to take TK to an office supply store to buy a daily planner in which to keep track of his assignments , prior to our first session . I explained that I wanted TK to pick out the planner . Dad agreed to do this . However , he " forgot " to do it and so TK showed up without a planner . Dad assured me he would do it before our next session two days later . Two days later , TK 's mother brought him to the session . They were 20 minutes late . Mom apologized to me several times and said she 'd " forgotten " she was supposed to bring him to tutoring . Dad still had not gotten him the planner . Today , dad sent me a text message at 2 : 59 . Tutoring is supposed to be from 3 : 00 to 4 : 00 . The text read , " We 're on today for 4 , right ? " I didn 't think for a minute that dad really thought tutoring was supposed to be at 4 : 00 . He 's the one that picked the time in the first place . And he got the kid there almost on time , at 3 : 00 , the week before . He knew what time he was supposed to be there . So TK arrived about five minutes later , but dad did not come in with him . He still did not have a planner . He also " forgot " to bring any of his school stuff other than his geometry stuff . At this point , I do not blame TK a bit for " forgetting " his other school stuff . If dad is forgetful and disorganized , which he certainly seems to be , how would TK have learned to be organized ? Organizational skills are just that - skills . You have to learn them from somewhere . You aren 't born with them . And it seems unlikely he 's had the opportunity to learn them from dad . I 'm very skeptical that dad is really as forgetful as he seems to want me to think he is . Maybe he 's just not prioritizing his kid 's tutoring , but if that 's the case , why hire a tutor ( and pay a tutor $ 60 a week ) in the first place ? I think he 's being passive - aggressive or sabotaging his kid or something , although I don 't know why . But if dad , and mom , are behaving like tutoring isn 't important enough to be on time for or to be prepared for with the proper supplies , like a planner , why would the kid think it was important to be prepared and bring the proper supplies , like textbooks ? On my way home , I stopped by an office supply store and bought TK a planner . I 'd have preferred dad to do it , and I 'd have preferred that TK got the opportunity to pick it out , but I want him to have it and that 's the most important thing . I know there are some people that never want to take responsibility for anything . They spill their coffee on themselves and sue McDonald 's because the coffee was hot . Of course , they ordered hot coffee . They would have been unhappy if they 'd been served lukewarm coffee . But there are other people , a lot of people , in our society that want to blame victims . Maybe victim isn 't always the right word , but sometimes it is , and they do blame victims . But they are the people that insist you are responsible for the choices you make , no matter what . They ignore the fact that the choices we have are sometimes , maybe oftentimes , limited by forces outside our control . They ignore the fact that the choices we see may also be limited by forces outside our control . What do I mean by that ? Well , we may not always see all the choices that are actually available to us . We are limited by the information we have . We are limited by the education we 've had . We are limited by the psychological development we 've achieved and the experiences we 've had . For instance . When I was 16 , I got pregnant . I choose to marry the father of my baby , against the advice of my parents but with their consent , because in the state in which I lived , you had to have your parents consent as well as permission from a judge in order to get married if you were under 18 . I had PTSD then , although it hadn 't been diagnosed . It hadn 't been diagnosed because my parents never took me to a therapist or doctor , even when I sort of overdosed on some Tylenol when I was in 8th grade . After I got married , I was an emancipated minor , which means for most purposes I was not considered a minor . So I did not need my parents ' consent to see a therapist . However , I had no money so I did not seek therapy . I was aware that therapy costs money . Now , you could saw that I chose not to seek therapy , that I could have gone to a mental health clinic that operated on a sliding fee scale or that I could have applied for and received Medicaid , which pays for therapy . Only I did not know those things existed . I grew up in a middle - class family and we had health insurance . Once I got married , I no longer had health insurance . My parents did not bother to tell me that things like clinics with sliding fee scales and Medicaid even existed . So I didn 't know that I had a choice . A teacher at school talked to me one day and told me where I could go for counseling and that it would be free since I had no money . Another teacher told me that I could get Medicaid , and where to go to apply for it , and that it would pay for all sorts of medical needs . And suddenly I had a lot more choices . provide for us . We cannot earn our own money , shop for our own food , and prepare our own food . We also don 't know what food is healthy and what food isn 't . We rely on our caregivers to meet our needs , including buying food and preparing it for us . As we grow older , we start learning more about nutrition , like at school , but most schools don 't provide very healthy food , either . As teenagers , maybe we are able to get an after school job and earn some money , and I guess we could use that money to buy healthy food , and as teenagers we are probably able to So when we become adults , yes , we 're responsible for buying and preparing our own food and making our own food choices , but we come to that point carrying baggage , and it 's not baggage that we chose to carry . It 's baggage placed on us by our childhood caregivers . Now , we can decide we don 't want to keep carrying that baggage and start taking steps to let some of it go , but most people can 't just do that instantly . It can take time , sometimes lots of time , and hard work . Even as adults , there are many things in our lives we have control over , but there are some things we don 't . For instance for the past three months , financially things have been really rough for me . I had to have some costly dental work done , and I didn 't choose to have dental bad , but was causing a lot of pain . For more than a month , I lived mostly on protein shakes and Greek yogurt and soup . So I made the choice to get the dental work done but it was very expensive and I live on a very tight budget anyway , and that large expense meant I needed to rely on food from a local food pantry for a few months if I wanted to eat . I made the choice to eat , so I visited the food pantry . I did not but chose to eat anyway because I wanted to eat and it was healthy for me ) , etc . And I did buy some groceries myself and made healthy choices there , but I was not able to afford to buy enough food to feed myself for a whole month . Again , I 'm not blaming the people at the food pantry Cayenne went to the vet yesterday morning . I consider it a great trip because she did not pee , poop or puke in the car and because I spent less than $ 100 there , which may be the cheapest trip to the vet with her ever . Cayenne has less positive feelings about it because it did involve riding in the car , and seeing and hearing other cats and dogs at the vet 's office , and being poked and prodded by the vet , but whatever . It was good for me . The vet said her belly is infected and she has antibiotics now , which of course she enjoys ( not ) . He also said that , unfortunately , getting the sore on her belly to heal will be very difficult because the sore spot in on one of the tumors and apparently these types of tumors tend to end up cutting off their own blood supply as they grow , which then causes the tissue to break down . We want to try to prevent infection , though , because she could easily get very sick and end up dying from infection long before the cancer has a chance to kill her . Those weren 't his exact words , but that 's the bottom line . However , other than the infected belly sore , she is in good health . She actually weighed four ounces more than she did the last time she was at the vet . She was also very vocal in the car , loudly announcing her displeasure about the trip , which is annoying and headache - producing , but it 's normal for her and the last couple times we went to the vet , I was actually a bit concerned because she was quieter than normal in the car . I think she was quiet because she wasn 't feeling well . I realize that in my post last night , I probably sounded like a lunatic . I was sort of crazy but maybe not in the way I sounded in my post . I was not really throwing my groceries around the kitchen , not exactly . It was more like slamming things down on the counter , slamming cabinet doors , stuff like that . I did throw a package of hotdogs into the freezer , but since I was standing right in front of the freezer , it wasn 't much of a throw . I was stomping my feet and being loud , though . And that is not at all typical of my behavior . I do think it frightened Isaac some . Cayenne was sitting on the couch the whole time , not looking fazed at all . I 'm not sure , but I think Isaac was bothered because he knew I was wanting him to do something but for some reason that I don 't quite understand , he didn 't understand what it was that I wanted . And then I was getting mad and of course that didn 't help him figure out what it was that I wanted . After I finished putting the groceries away and stomping around , I sat down on the couch and cried . Isaac came over to me , crept over , like he was a little unsure it was the right thing to do . He put his head on my knees and I put my arms around him and hugged him and then he was fine . He sat there with me for several minutes , then went and found a toy and brought that to me , which is typical Isaac behavior . I realize my thinking last night was really irrational . What I was thinking was something along the lines of , no one is helping me , I need help and no one will help , the rheumatologist won 't help , my other doctor won 't help , there is no one to help me , and now Isaac won 't even help me . Of course it 's not true that no one will help , but it was true that there was no one around last night to help me . And it is true that I don 't always have help when I need it . But I tend to get stuck in black and white thinking at times like that , where it 's all or nothing . No help at that moment means no help ever , period . And of course it 's not true that Isaac won 't help me or was refusing to help me or didn 't want to help me . Isaac , for reasons I am unsure of , didn 't know what was expected of him last night when I was having a major meltdown . That is not the same as refusing to help . Isaac very much wants to help but he is a dog , not a computer or robot or mind reader , and sometimes he gets mixed up or doesn 't understand . And usually , it 's because I am not communicating things to him clearly . Which is my fault , not his . Today Isaac and I practiced doing the lights and getting the meds a few times . We are going to practice those things a lot in the next few days . One of the problems may have been that I was standing in the doorway asking him to get the lights and we have not practiced that command from there very often . The light he gets the most often for me is the living room light and most of the time I am on the couch when I give him that command . He can turn on the lights in the kitchen , bathroom and bedroom , and we practice all of those occasionally , but probably not enough . I was wanting him to turn on the kitchen light last night , but maybe he wasn 't sure which light he was supposed to get . Really , it would have been OK with me if he turned on the living room light instead , but if he was confused about which light , it makes sense he didn 't turn on any of them . He needs to be given clear instructions and it 's my job to be clear with him . In addition to practicing the other lights more , we are going to practice getting the meds . Isaac and I have practiced that extensively , with me giving the command from all rooms in my apartment , and with me sitting on the floor , standing up , lying on the bed , etc . But we haven 't practiced it with me given the command in different tones of voice . Either I say , " Get the meds , " in a calm voice , or we also practice it with me sitting and rocking back and forth , which is something I do when I 'm very anxious , and he knows that means to get the meds without being told to get them . But by the time I told him to get them last night , I was upset because he hadn 't turned on the light and because of everything else that was going on , and I think I was loud and angry - sounding . So we 're going to practice it with me saying it in different tones of voice . Yesterday I saw the rheumatologist and for the most part , I think the appointment went well . She diagnosed me with fibromyalgia , which I was expecting , and also told me that I have osteoarthritis in my hands . She recommends continuing with the Cymbalta and also prescribed gabopentin , which is an anti - seizure medication that is also sued to treat fibromyalgia . She also recommended taking a glucosamine / chondroitin supplement . I picked some up but I 'm not sure if I 'll continue taking it , because the research doesn 't seem too promising that it will really help , plus it 's expensive , plus most of those supplements are made from shellfish and bovine cartilage and I am a vegetarian and do not feel good about taking supplements made from animals . The only bad news is that she doesn 't want to prescribe pain medication or my muscle relaxer because she says those don 't help much with fibromyalgia and can even end up making fibromyalgia pain worse somehow . Well . Maybe that 's all true , but what about my back ? I have degenerative disk disease . My back doesn 't hurt because of fibro , or at least , not only because of fibro . So I have about a dozen pain pills left and even fewer muscle relaxers . So I decided I needed to stop taking them right away and save the ones I have left for when I really , really need them . Like if I can 't get out of bed at all . Or if I can 't get out of the car . That 's happened before . Once I lay in bed for about eight hours before I was able to move . Another time I could not get out of the car and had to call Mike and he had to leave work and come home to help me . But that 's when we were together . If that happened now , I would have no one to call . But I have my purse with me in the car and I always have pain meds in my purse . So I need to save the few I have left for things like that . For the last couple of months , I 've been taking four Tramadol and three Flexeril a day . This morning , I took one Tramadol because I had to take Cayenne to the vet and it 's very difficult and very painful for me to lift the cat carrier with her in it . She weighs 8 lbs . 4 oz . I have a hard time lifting a gallon of milk , which weighs five pounds . So lifting and carrying Cayenne in her carrier is hard for me . So I took a pain pill . But no more all day . I 've cried twice today , because of the pain . I managed to nap for about an hour . This evening I went grocery shopping , which I dreaded because I was already in pain and I thought lifting groceries would make it worse , but I had very little to eat in the house . The last few days have been busy for me and I can 't do too many things in the same day . So I went shopping . I didn 't buy anything heavy . I bought a half gallon of almond milk , but that 's the heaviest things . I didn 't buy a gallon of milk because I didn 't want to have to lift that much . I bought yogurt . I bought a couple protein bars . Light stuff . When I got home , I was in a lot of pain . I had forgotten to leave a light on and it had grown dark while I was at the store . So I told Isaac to turn on the light . And he acted like he had no clue what I was talking about . Wouldn 't turn it on . I don 't know what the problem was . I ended up having to walk into the dark house and turn on a light myself . By then I was really anxious and also angry and just overwhelmed . I told Isaac to bring my meds . Again , he acted like he had no clue what I was saying . That might have been because I was upset and yelling . I think I scared him . I was also throwing my groceries around the kitchen . I really lost it . I got my own meds and I practically tripped over Isaac because although he didn 't want to get my meds for me , he wanted to be right by me . So I yelled at him to go lie down . Which he did . And he stayed right there until I was done putting my groceries away / throwing them around the kitchen . After that I sat on the couch and called Isaac over to me and hugged him . Then I just cried for a while . I 'm in so much pain . I don 't know how I 'm going to deal with this without any medication . I just don 't . I decided I had to make her an appointment . One of the tumors on her belly looks positively awful . It is oozing bloody stuff and she keeps licking it and licking it . The vet is probably going to give her antibiotics and one of those Elizabethan collars that make pets look like satellite dishes . She will hate that . I think her belly is bothering her a lot . I don 't think she is in terrible pain , but she is definitely uncomfortable . She 's still on the anti - inflammatory / pain medication but it doesn 't seem to be giving her much relief . She is eating well and still seems to enjoy being petted and brushed . But she 's uncomfortable . court at some point . Apparently at the police station , when they tried to fingerprint her and stuff , she got aggressive and smacked a cop , so now she is also being charged with assaulting a police officer . The bad news is that the dog , while he is recovering from his physical injury , now behaves nervously in Walmart and refuses to go down the aisle where this happened and shies away from strangers that approach him , especially women of the same ethnicity as the woman that kicked him . His owner has scheduled an appointment with an animal behaviorist , but the dog may end up having to retire . Do you understand how devastating that would be ? It could be more than a year before the owner could get another service dog . I don 't know about her finances , but it 's possible should can 't afford two dogs , which would mean in order to get another service dog , the current dog would have to be re - homed . I don 't know what the maximum penalty the kicking woman can get , but I 'm betting it 's not nearly severe enough for all that . I see the rheumatologist tomorrow . I 'm anxious about it . I 'm worried she 's not going to listen to me ( and I found numerous reviews of her online , where prior patients complained that she doesn 't listen ) and that she won 't want to prescribe adequate pain medication . My primary care physician doesn 't want to keep treating my pain , but right now I don 't even have a diagnosis , so who knows if it 's something the rheumatologist would treat . I mean , if she thinks it 's fibromyalgia then she would treat that , but what if that 's not the diagnosis ? And what about my back ? I don 't think my back problems are caused by fibromyalgia , even if I do have fibro . The back pain is due to degenerative disk disease and / or a herniated disk , depending on which back specialist you think is right , and that 's not the kind of thing rheumatologists treat . So I 'm worried that I 'm not going to get adequate pain medication . The medication I have currently is just barely adequate . But I will run out of it over the coming weekend and if the rheumatologist doesn 't prescribe more , I 'm not sure how I 'm going to cope . I 'm trying not to panic about it now , to wait and see what happens , because anxiety only makes the pain worse and there 's no sense making it worse now when I don 't even know that 's going to happen . But it 's hard not to worry . Today I went to Walmart to buy a stress ball for the kid I am tutoring . The stress balls were in the fitness equipment section and happened to be right beside the exercise balls . I had been considering getting an exercise ball , not because I 'm going to exercise on it ( might as well admit that up front ) , but because sitting on one is supposed to help strengthen your core muscles . I thought it would be worth a try to see if it helps my lower back pain any . Well , they were on sale , marked down from $ 18 to just $ 8 . So I decided to buy one . Hopefully Isaac doesn 't think it 's a toy for him and pounce on it as soon as I inflate it . I plan to store it in the closet when I 'm not using it because even though it 's supposed to be burst - resistant , I 'm sure Isaac could manage to burst it . He bursts basketballs , for goodness sake . I read an article online that said sitting on a ball while watching television or reading or something like that burns an extra 30 calories an hour , as compared to doing those things sitting on the couch . So that would be cool , too . Not than I 'm going to spend many hours on it in one day , but still . The kid I 'm tutoring , I 'll call him TK , is 15 . He 's very likeable . He 's articulate , seems pretty bright , and at times even seemed insightful . Now , I won 't fault a teenager for lack of insight . Teens are often pretty un - insightful . It 's actually pretty developmentally appropriate for teens , although it can certainly drive parents and educators crazy at times . However , at one point I asked him how he gets along with his teachers and he told me , " I try to be really respectful to my teachers all the time . If you 're respectful , they sometimes go a little easier on you or give you a little extra help . If you 're disrespectful , they don 't do that . " Now , that is pretty insightful for a teenager . When I was a social worker , I spent I - don 't - even - know - how - many anger management sessions trying to explain that concept to teens that were in trouble for things like beating up their teachers and threatening to blow up their schools . Then at one point he was telling me that sometimes he doesn 't feel very motivated to do his schoolwork and I asked him why he thought that was . He said he wasn 't sure . He told me that his dad thinks it 's because when he was in middle school , some of his teachers graded him unfairly and that his dad thinks that made him not feel like trying anymore . That is what his dad told me when I met with him . TK said he 's not sure if that 's really the reason , though . It might be but he isn 't sure . I thought that was kind of . . . well , maybe insightful isn 't the right word . But it was interesting that he is aware of what his dad thinks is the problem and that he 's considered it carefully and hasn 't just grabbed onto it as an excuse . I asked him a bunch of questions and he seemed to be answering honestly and thoughtfully . A couple times he seemed surprised by a question and said , " I need to think about that for a minute . " And then he thought for a minute and then tried to answer as clearly as he could . A couple times he gave rather vague answers and then asked , " Do you want me to be more specific ? " In which case I said , " If you can be more specific , that would be good . " And then he would elaborate on his answer . I think he 's pretty articulate . He seems able to express himself pretty easily . I asked him if he thought his teachers like him and he said yes , he knows they do . Now , dad thinks the teachers dislike the kid . I did not tell him dad told me that . But I found it very interesting that dad thinks that and that TK thinks the opposite . What I 'm thinking is that the teachers don 't dislike TK , the teachers dislike the dad . It 's possible TK just can 't tell that they don 't like him , but he doesn 't seem socially inept in that way . I think he 'd know . Now , it 's also possible that the teachers don 't like him and he knows it but just didn 't want to admit it to me . He might feel embarrassed about it . But he seemed pretty comfortable telling me how his grades are really poor and other stuff that he might feel embarrassed about , so I think he was probably being honest about the teachers liking him . All I did today was talk to him and ask a bunch of questions . I wanted to get to know him and to establish a rapport and to let him know what he can expect from me . Like , he can expect me to treat him like an intelligent being , he can expect me to care about his thoughts and opinions , he can expect me to be respectful towards him , he can expect me to support him in his goals , etc . I feel like that went very well . Together we were able to identify a couple of things that might be helpful . I noticed him fidgeting a lot and asked if he felt he could focus better when he was moving and he said yes , definitely . I mentioned that some people find it helpful to have one of those stress balls to squeeze while they work and he really liked that idea . So tomorrow I am going to go find a stress ball for him . Hopefully Walmart has them . I also told him that I 'd read an article recently that was written for adults with ADHD and that it suggested sitting on one of those exercise balls while you work . I wasn 't sure what a teenager would think of that . I thought he might think that seemed too silly or weird . But he actually thought it sounded like fun . I 've been thinking of buying one for myself , to help strengthen my back muscles . Maybe I 'll go ahead and get one and then take it with me to tutoring one day and let him try it out and see if he likes it . Isaac has an awesome vet . ( And here is a link to a review of the veterinary practice , in case anyone is looking for a good vet around here . ) The vet is near where I lived with Mike so it 's a bit of a drive from where I live now but I still take Isaac there because I really like the vet and because they give me a discount because Isaac is a service dog . Yesterday Isaac had to go to the vet to get his annual vaccines and heart worm test and all that stuff . Isaac likes going to the vet . Of course , Isaac likes going anywhere . He loves car rides . A trip to the vet is super fun for Isaac . First he gets a nice car ride there . Then , on the way from the car to the office , he gets to sniff places where many other dogs have peed and pee on those spots himself . When we get inside , there is plenty of other stuff to sniff . The vet sits down on the floor with Isaac and so does the vet tech and they both pet him and talk to him and tell him he 's a good boy . They also give out doggie treats . Then when we leave , he gets to sniff and pee some more on the way to the car , and then he gets another ride in the car . What 's not to like ? Well , the only part Isaac didn 't like was getting blood drawn . He had that same look on his face that he gets when I cut his toenails or make him get in the bathtub . He stood perfectly still and let the vet draw the blood . But he looked like his heart was breaking , he was so sad . It 's that look that says , " Why , oh why , are you being so mean to me when I love you so much ? " So he got his shots and he is very healthy . He weighs 79 . 5 lbs , about a pound less than the last time he was at the vet . He is a big boy . A few days ago I wrote about taking service dogs on job interviews . I ended up not taking Isaac to my interview , but I got the job and I start today . I will be tutoring a teenager that maybe has ADHD and / or some sort of learning disabilities . I will be doing one hour tutoring sessions twice a week . Working two hours a week is a very , very part time job . Which is why I think I can do it . I have to be there at 3 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays , which means I don 't have to get up early for it and I have a day off to rest and / or get other stuff done in between . I 'll be working sitting down and will not be doing anything physically strenuous . I should be able to do it . It has been almost 11 years since I had any kind of a normal job . I 'm not sure tutoring two hours a week counts as a normal job , but it 's more of a normal job than freelance writing . I have to be there at a certain time , I have to interact with other people , I can 't decide to just take a nap instead because I 'm tired or don 't feel well . I can 't do it from my living room couch wearing my pajamas . I think I 'm going to enjoy it . I don 't think it will be too difficult for me . I know working with teenagers is challenging , but I used to be a social worker and I ran an anger management program for teenagers . If I could get juvenile delinquents to show up for and participate in anger management groups , I think I can get one teenager to do some homework . I know how to get reluctant teens to engage . I 'm looking forward to it . I hope it goes well . The money will definitely be nice , but even more than that , I 'm just looking forward to doing something with some meaning . A Starbucks employee told him dogs weren 't allowed . He said his dog was a service dog . The employee said , " You 're not blind , " which is a fairly stupid thing to say , but people say it . I was asked by an employee at Jiffy Lube if I was blind . Yes , I drove my car up , got out of the car with my service dog , sat there until he was done changing my oil , paid for the oil change and signed the credit card slip , and then , as I was preparing to get back into my car , he asked if I was blind . I laughed and pointed out that if someone drives to Jiffy Lube , they probably can see OK . Anyway . The Starbucks employee then asked what the dog was trained to do . Employees are allowed to ask that . The U . S . Department of Justice says so . It is not a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act to ask that . The man with the service dog answered the question and then the employee asked him why he can 't do those things for himself . That is a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act . The employee should not have asked that . He was wrong . However , the disabled man was not required to answer the question in order to enter the store and make his purchase . He was not turned away , either . Another employee stepped in , told the first employee to stop asking questions , and told the disabled man he could bring his service dog into the store . Problem solved . But the man with the service dog was embarrassed . Well , I can understand that . But there is no law prohibiting employees from embarrassing customers , whether or not the customers have service dogs or disabilities . There is no law preventing employees from being rude , either . So the problem was resolved on the spot and the man with the service dog was not denied access . But he was embarrassed , so he made a big stink and involved the media . Starbucks issued an apology but he says he 'll never go there again because the employee embarrassed him . Well , OK . He certainly doesn 't have to go there if he doesn 't want to . But I find it objectionable that he 's stirring up the media and they are printing headlines saying he was turned away when he wasn 't . I came across an ad online the other day from a father looking for a tutor for his teenage son . The son has some learning difficulties and perhaps other issues , such as ADHD and depression , that have not been formally diagnosed . The dad wants a tutor to help his son get organized and help make sure work is completed on time and to help with study skills and test - taking skills and stuff like that . I 've worked with kids with learning difficulties and ADHD and things like that extensively in the past and I have experience teaching and it sounded like a great fit for me . And it 's for one hour twice a week . And it will pay me enough to pay Isaac 's dog walker , which may not sound like much but his dog walker is one of my largest expenses . Now , this was a bit different than a " normal " job interview situation for a couple reasons . First , I don 't think the ADA applies to dads that hire tutors for their kids . The ADA definitely does not apply to private homes , so if I am tutoring a kid in his own home , whether I work for a company to which the ADA does apply or not , the family does not have to allow me to bring a service dog into their home . Second , I wasn 't even planning on asking to bring my service dog to the home to tutor the kid , and I wouldn 't have been considering bringing my dog if I had been meeting the dad at his house instead of a coffee shop , so it wasn 't like I would have to have " the service dog talk " with him later on if he offered me the job . So why was I thinking of bringing Isaac to the interview ? Really just because it 's easier for me . Was it possible for me to go without my service dog ? Sure . And that is what I ended up doing . But it wasn 't an easy decision for me . This morning Isaac and I played a couple rounds of Find the Hotdogs . It 's one of Isaac 's favorite games , since it involves hotdogs . Isaac firmly believes hotdogs are the most wonderful food in the whole entire world . Cayenne likes them , too , by the way . She wanted to get in on the Find the Hotdogs game . Although she wasn 't really that interested in finding them . She just wanted to eat them , really . I tell Isaac to sit and to stay . He does and then he watches with rapt attention while I " hide " small bits of hotdogs around the room . I usually do five or six hotdog pieces at a time . Then I tell him , " Find the hotdogs ! " and he finds - and eats - the hotdogs . He usually remembers where he saw me " hide " the last two pieces . He goes directly to those and gobbles them up . He knows there are more but doesn 't remember exactly where , so he goes around the room , sniffing for them . If he has trouble finding them all , I give him a hint by pointing him in the right direction . Isaac likes the game because it involved hotdogs , but I like it for several reasons . First , he has to practice staying even when he sees enticing hotdogs . That 's good practice for him . But it also helps with memory , and with nose work , and with learning about he concept of " finding " something . And it 's fun for a cold day when Isaac does not get to go out for a run . Yesterday Cayenne was licking her belly a lot . She usually doesn 't lick her tumors much . They get scabs on them and sometimes ooze a little and I try to keep the hair around them trimmed so it doesn 't get stuck in the oozing / scabby stuff . When I see her licking her belly a lot , I look to see if she 's actually messing with the scabs or tumors or if she 's just washing the rest of her belly . If she 's licking the tumors , I try to distract her and discourage her from licking them . Well , yesterday she was licking her belly , and I looked to see what she was licking , and it looked like her whole belly was awash in blood . I am not particularly squeamish , but it kind of freaked me out . I said , " Oh my god , Cayenne ! " and froze for a second , then jumped up and grabbed some clean rags . I couldn 't even see where the blood was coming from , there was so much . Of course , Cayenne did not appreciate my assistance and was not particularly cooperative . I tried to wipe off as much blood as I could , so I could at least see where it was coming from . It all appeared to be coming from one of the two tumors . It appeared she had pulled a scab off , a big scab . I tried to put pressure on it for a little while , to help stop the bleeding , which Cayenne also did not appreciate . It didn 't seem to be particularly painful for her . She did like me touching it but she didn 't like me looking at it , either , and I know looking with my eyes did not hurt her . When I let go of her , she trotted over to her food dish and ate a little dry cat food . Then she lay down on her blankie , on her belly , probably because she figured if she was lying on it , I couldn 't mess with it . She didn 't eat much dinner last night and didn 't eat much breakfast this morning . That is unusual for her and it worried me . I gave her half a jar of stinky turkey baby food this afternoon , while Isaac was out for his run , and she gobbled that up . Maybe I 'll give her an extra dose of her anti - inflammatory this evening . She was without it for a few days because we ran out and I had to wait until I got paid to go to the vet and get more . That stuff is $ 38 for a small bottle . I feel bad that I ran out for a few days , though . She didn 't seem like she was uncomfortable during that time but maybe it made the tumors bother her more . This morning , on our way back in from peeing in the snow , Isaac spotted one of our neighbors , we 'll call her N , and her daughter , we 'll call her C , sitting in the community room . Isaac has figured out that neighbors no longer gather on the patio since it 's cold out , but instead they hang out in the community room . Every time we come inside from an outing , he checks to see if anyone is in there . If there is someone in there , he insists on stopping to say hello . N loves Isaac . Everyone loves Isaac , but she absolutely adores him . At Christmastime , she gave me a card address to " Kelly and the Dog That I Love . " She 's the one that told me sometimes she feels scared but she always feels better when Isaac is around . He climbs right up in her lap and she wants him to , even when his feet are all wet from the snow . He kisses her face and she loves it . She 's also the one that , several months ago , happened to be walking by the laundry room when Isaac was getting clothes out of the dryer for me and , even though I 'd told her that was one of his tasks , was astounded and amazed to see him actually doing it . C loves Isaac , too . A week or so ago , I was telling her about some of the things Isaac does for me and I dropped my hat and had him pick it up for me and then I had him turn on the lights in the community room . She was suitably impressed . Today , N was sitting on the couch in the community room and C was sitting on a chair next to the couch . Isaac climbed into N 's lap , kissed her , then climbed over the arm of the chair into C 's lap and kissed her . Then he climbed back over onto the couch and lay down between them where they could both pet him . Now , please understand I am only letting him climb on people , and on the furniture , because both of those people wanted him to climb on them and are perfectly OK with him being on the furniture . I let Isaac on my furniture , but I wouldn 't let him on someone else 's without making sure it was OK with them . The furniture in the community room belongs to the apartment complex , and I don 't really know how the owners feel about my dog being on the couch , but if the residents who use that room are OK with it , then I 'm OK with it , too . I don 't want to sound like I just let my dog go nuts , though . I left my house about 8 am and stopped by the rental office to pay my rent . I went to the gas station and filled up my car , drove 40 minutes to Meijer ( where I bought vitamins , protein bars , dog treats and an MP3 player , so it 's not like I did a ton of shopping ) , went to the farm supply store to buy dog food , went to Cayenne 's vet to pick up anti - inflammatory medication for her ( I called ahead so they had it waiting for me so that was a quick stop ) , went to the post office ( where there was no line so I was in and out quickly ) , went to the pharmacy where I went through the drive up window so I didn 't even have to get out of the car ( and Isaac hit the jackpot and scored a whole handful of treats from the pharmacy technician ) , and went to the bank to get quarters for laundry ( where I also went through the drive up window so I didn 't have to get out of the car , and where Isaac scored another treat ) . Then I drove 40 minutes home and hauled all my stuff inside . The whole thing took me just over three hours . I came home and sat on the couch . I tried to set up my MP3 player , or started to , anyway , and decided I was too tired to figure it out . The dog walker came and took Isaac out for a run ( yay ! First run in two weeks . But I was so worn out I could barely stay awake and Isaac had enough energy to go for an hour - long run ) . I ate a protein bar for dinner because I was too exhausted to fix anything . I fell asleep on the couch about 6 : 30 pm and slept for four hours . I got up about 10 : 30 pm , took Isaac out to pee , had something to drink and went back to sleep . Isaac woke me up this morning at 5 : 30 am and I had to drag myself out of bed to take him out . I am supposed to be having a friend over for dinner tonight . Not only does that mean I need to cook dinner , but in order to do that , I have to go to the grocery store . I also need to do a bit of cleaning up around the house . I 'm frustrated by this , but even the frustration , and probably some feelings of guilt as well , feels blunted or dull . I don 't have enough energy to be really frustrated . Frustration takes energy . I didn 't feel like I was pushing myself too much yesterday . I felt OK while I was running my errands . I 'm surprised to find myself this exhausted . I 've done this to Isaac twice . Once was the first time I used the nail clippers made especially for dogs , which ironically enough are supposed to prevent you from cutting the nail too short . The second time was yesterday . The first time I did it , Isaac let out this yelp like I 'd chopped off a toe . The nail bled like crazy . I mean , there were big red drops of blood all over the carpet and everything . I felt terrible and was really scared to cut his nails again . The reason I did cut them again , and later that very same day ( I needed to finish the job because I stopped when I cut the nail too short ) , was because I didn 't want Isaac to become scared of having his nails cut . I thought finishing the job later the same day would help . I wanted to do it without acting afraid at all ( which was not easy for me because I was afraid ) and I wanted him to see that he could get his nails cut without it hurting him . Yesterday when it happened , I still felt bad , but I 'm not scared of cutting his nails again . I didn 't panic as much this time . I knew what to do . So here 's a handy little trick . I keep a glass jar ( used to hold salsa ) with cornstarch in it . To stop the bleeding , just stick the dog 's toes into the cornstarch . In less than a minute , the bleeding was stopped . I can 't remember who told me that trick . It might have been Isaac 's trainer . I 'm not sure why or how it works , but it does . It 's still cold out but it 's warm enough that some of the snow and ice is beginning to melt . So Isaac and I went for a walk . I am continuing to use the prong collar with him and he seldom pulls on the leash anymore . Once in a while he does pull , when there is something he really really wants to sniff . That suggests to me that the collar isn 't causing too much discomfort even when he does pull , which I am glad about because I don 't want it to be too uncomfortable for him . One of my neighbors commented on the fact that he isn 't lunging at and jumping on people so much anymore . That sounds really bad , like he was completely out of control and like I was letting him jump on people all the time , and that 's really not the case . But his enthusiasm for greeting people was getting out of hand . He is doing much better and I 'm glad my neighbor noticed . I 've also continued to work on the commands " paws up " and " off " with him , so I can give him permission to put his feet up people that don 't mind or even like him to do that and I can also tell him to get off people that don 't like it . The other day we came in from a walk and his feet were all wet and cold from the snow and one of my neighbors that Isaac really likes ( and she really likes him , too ) was sitting in the lobby of our building . She likes him to put his feet on her but I told him not to because his feet were wet but she said she didn 't mind , to let him do it . So I did . Anyway , back to the prong collar . Today on our walk , Isaac spotted a squirrel running across a snowy lawn . He was excited to see it . He stopped in his tracks , he was very alert and tense , and his tail was wagging like crazy . But he didn 't attempt to take off after the squirrel . I wish I would have had some yummy treats with me to give him for that , but I didn 't . He got a lot of praise , though , and an ear rub . I am very pleased with his behavior when using the prong collar , but even more pleased that I can walk him now without worrying about hurting my back . When he would pull in the past , or try to take off after a squirrel or something and I would try to prevent him from taking off , it really aggravated my back pain . It often triggered painful muscle spasms . There were times it made me cry . I know Isaac didn 't mean to hurt me , but it was a real problem . I 'm so glad we can now take long walks together again . I know Isaac loves walks and I need the exercise , too . |
I feel disappointed . I 'm glad TK is going to be going to the alternative school because I don 't think he was going to be able to catch up at his regular school , and also I don 't think tutoring was going to be enough help for him , especially since his parents seemed unable or unwilling to get him to tutoring on time and all the other goofy stuff dad was doing . So I 'm glad for the kid but I 'm disappointed for me . Also , I can 't help feeling a little like maybe I wasn 't doing a good enough job . I don 't think that was the case . Dad told me that if I need a reference for other tutoring jobs , to please feel free to give people his number . I don 't think it 's about me . But , blah , sometimes the depression says it is . And I was feeling kind of depressed today , anyway . Service dogs are sometimes attacked by other dogs and sometimes by humans . It certainly doesn 't happen every day , but it 's a common enough occurrence that it 's a common topic of discussion among service dog handlers . Not just that attacks , but how to prevent them and how to protect your dog . Some service dog handlers carry pepper spray . Apparently pepper spray is not legal in all areas , or at least not pepper spray of a certain strength . Some service dog handlers suggest carrying a stun gun , which is also not legal in all areas . A commonly - heard suggestion is to carry an umbrella , the kind that pops open when you push a button . An umbrella may not be much of a defense against violent humans , but if an aggressive dog is coming toward your dog , you can point the umbrella at the aggressive dog and push the button so it pops open , forming a barrier between your dog and the aggressive dog and also startling the approaching , aggressive dog , hopefully stopping him in his tracks . While an umbrella might be fairly effective protection against aggressive , uncontrolled dogs ( that shouldn 't be in public places anyway ) , logistically it seems awkward at best to me . I thought about it the other day while grocery shopping with Isaac . I have only two hands . While grocery shopping with Isaac , I must hold Isaac 's leash , push the shopping cart , hold my shopping list and still manage to pick up items and put them in my cart . How would I hold an umbrella at the same time ? Just putting the umbrella in my cart wouldn 't be effective . I 'd need to have the umbrella ready to pop it open at any moment . I 'd have to have another hand . You 're probably thinking , why would a service dog be attacked by another dog in a grocery store ? Dogs aren 't allowed in grocery stores , right ? But there are people claiming their dogs are service dogs that bring aggressive dogs into public places where they shouldn 't be . I know a service dog handler that is currently dealing with an issue on her college campus . Another student has a dog she claims is a service dog that has attacked a couple of legitimate service dogs on the campus . I don 't know why the university disability services continues to allow her to bring her dog onto the campus . But anyway , it happens . A few days ago , I was going through my phone , deleted contacts that are people I rarely or never call and that I didn 't think I needed to keep in my phone . Like the general surgeon that did my breast biopsy last May . If I need a general surgeon again some day , I 'd probably go back to him , but I 'm not expecting to be calling him any time soon . I have his number in my address book if I need it . They have not spoken to me since November of 2013 . I don 't expect they will wish to speak to me any time soon . Or any time distant , for that matter . Maybe my sister will call me to let me know when my mother passes away or something , but she is not expected to die any time soon , either , as far as I know . I have considered deleted them from my contacts before , but kept putting it off . Not because I thought I might want to give them a call one day soon . Just because , I guess , it 's hard to sever those ties . It 's hard to acknowledge that they 've been severed . But now it 's done . And you know what ? I think I 'd like my contacts list in my phone to be full of people I like and respect , people that like and care about me . I have two contacts in my phone clearly designated as emergency contact people , but really , I like the idea that if I was in a serious car accident on the way to tutoring tomorrow and the paramedics picked up my phone as I was being rushed to the hospital and just pressed " send , " my phone would dial someone that cared about me . Someone that would care that I was critically injured . Someone that would ask , " What can I do to help ? " Yes , OK , if the paramedics happened to dial my auto mechanic , he probably would not drop whatever he was doing and rush to the hospital to be with me . But you know what ? I 'm scrolling through my contacts right now and this is what I see . The number of a good friend , one of my designated emergency contacts . Isaac 's vet , who , by the way , will provide any necessary emergency medical treatment to Isaac even if I am not available to hand over my credit card at the moment . A friend . Another friend . My primary care physician , who , I bet , would at least make an effort to contact an emergency contact person on my behalf . Isaac 's trainer , who would come and pick him up if I was critically injured and unable to take care of him . A friend . A good friend , my other designated emergency contact person . Another friend . And another friend . And another friend . My psychiatrist , who , I think , would also make an effort to contact an emergency contact person on my behalf ( if anyone actually got in touch with him , that is ; his office staff these days is not so hot ) . My dog walker , who would come and feed and walk Isaac if necessary . Another friend . But this is a revelation to me . I never thought about it until now . I want my phone to be full of numbers of people that care about me . People that would care if I was being rushed to the hospital , half dead . And you know what ? It is . It mostly is . Yes , I realize that I write about going to the grocery store a lot . Well , I don 't go that many places . But also , when you have a service dog , routine trips to the grocery store become , well , a little less routine , I guess . There 's a blog I 've been following , Rolling Around in My Head , and I read a post there where the author mentioned that he realizes he writes a lot about doors and floors , but that as a wheelchair user , those two things become much more important than they are to many other people . Maybe it 's the same with service dog handlers and grocery stores . Because I 'm not the only person I know with a service dog that always seems to have a story about a recent trip to the grocery store . Anyway . Today I went grocery shopping and I was ringing up my stuff at the U - Scan , Isaac lying quietly between my feet and the scanner . For a change he did not try to sprawl out in the middle of the floor in everyone 's way ( I make him move when he does that , he just does not seem to get the concept that he is likely to get his tail run over with a shopping cart that way ) . One of my purchases rang up incorrectly so I had to get an employee to assist me . He came over to the scanner and practically stepped on Isaac before noticing there was a dog there . Which is actually good , it means Isaac was being quiet and well - behaved and unobtrusive , like he is supposed to be . The poor startled teenager just kept saying , I 'm sorry , I didn 't know there was a dog there ! I don 't know if you realize how cool that is , but service dog handlers tend to get pretty excited about it when someone is surprised to notice their dog . It means the dog is doing a great job and it 's what you want to happen . Not the surprise , I mean , but the fact that people don 't even notice the dog . A few minutes later , a more typical interaction occurred . Isaac was still lying quietly on the floor while I was lifting my bags of groceries into my cart . There was a young couple using one of the other U - Scans and I heard them talking about Isaac . I heard the young man point out , " It says do not pet , " which indeed Isaac 's vest does say . And then the young woman came over , bent down close to Isaac 's face , and started baby - talking to him . She didn 't pet him , though . I told her to stop . I used to feel bad telling people to leave my dog alone but I don 't anymore . I feel annoyed at their behavior , but beyond that , I feel like my first and primary responsibility is to Isaac , and he needs people to leave him alone . She looked startled and then apologized . I finished loading my groceries and then decided to spend a minute educating , or at least attempting to educate . So I went over to her and explained that even if it looks like Isaac is just lying there , he 's working , he 's paying close attention to me , and it 's very hard for him to pay attention to me when people are talking to him because he loves the attention . She and the guy with her nodded . Hopefully they learned something . Isaac , I should add , did beautifully . He did stand up when the woman was bending over talking to him , but that 's it . His tail was wagging , but he didn 't attempt to jump on her or kiss her or anything like that . And he refocused on me as soon as I told her to leave him alone . So it 's been almost a week since I stopped taking Tramadol for pain and Flexeril for muscle spasms . Well , I 've taken a Tramadol twice since then , but I was taking four a day . And I haven 't had any Flexeril . In another day or two , I am supposed to increase the gabapentin to 100 mg twice a day . I hope that doesn 't make me drowsy during the day . I 've been taking it at bedtime and the first couple days , I think it made me sleep well . However , the last three nights , I 've slept like crap . The night before last , I was really worn out so I went to bed early . Like a little after 8 : 00 pm . But I couldn 't sleep . My back hurt and my arms hurt and I was thirsty . Like , so incredibly thirsty . I think the gabapentin is making my mouth dry , drier than usual . And my mouth is already dry . I think it 's a side effect of the Cymbalta . It 's a common side effect of so many psych meds . I 've dealt with it for years . But now , it 's like I can 't get enough to drink . Literally two minutes after drinking something , my mouth is like cotton and I am so incredibly thirsty . It 's hard to sleep because I am so thirsty . I drink , then I lie down , and before I can fall asleep , I am so thirsty I have to get up and drink some more . I know that sounds ridiculous , but it is what it is . Anyway . At night I can 't sleep because my back hurts and my arms hurt and my hips hurt and I am thirsty . The night before last , I was also hot , then I kicked off the covers and was cold , then I put the covers back on and was hot and sweaty , and so on . I was so tired I felt like crying . But it was after midnight before I fell asleep . Yesterday I was up before 6 : 00 am . I did nap for about an hour during the day . And last night ? It was a repeat of the night before . My arms hurt and I couldn 't find a comfortable position . Any way I lay , it hurt at least one arm in some way . I went to bed a little after 9 : 00 pm and it was after midnight before I slept . My head ached , my hips hurt , I was thirsty , I was hot , I was cold , I was so exhausted I didn 't want to move . Except I had to move , because my arms hurt in the position in which I was lying . But any way I moved , something else hurt . I 've been fairly busy the last few days and I think that distracts me from the pain , at least a little . But at night I 'm not distracted . And the pain is worse at night , and the anxiety is worse , and it makes it hard to sleep . I don 't know what I 'm going to do if I can 't get some sleep tonight . I 'm functioning better than I thought I 'd be , really . Today I did a load of laundry . Yesterday , the weather was really nice and I took Isaac for a long walk , about 45 minutes . Tuesday I picked up a few items at the dollar store , I tutored TK , and I even stopped at the office supply store to pick up a planner for him . His dad cancelled his tutoring session today , but I was planning to do it . So I 'm functioning . I 'm not just huddling on the couch under my electric blanket . Oh . I also think the gabapentin is making me nauseous . I 've been nauseous , anyway , off and on . I 'm hoping that goes away as I get used to the medication . When I first started the Cymbalta , I was nauseous for almost three weeks . Horribly nauseous . I was about ready to quit taking it but then I guess I got used to it and the nausea went away . This is not as bad , but I feel icky off and on throughout the day . Posted by But before my meltdown , Isaac and I went grocery shopping . I rarely go grocery shopping on the weekends . I prefer to go during the week , when the store is less crowded . But it was the weekend and I needed groceries . So grocery shopping we went . There were a lot of kids in the store and Isaac seemed unusually interested in / distracted by them . I don 't know why . He kept stopping while we were walking through the store to watch kids . At one point , this man with a toddler chased me down an aisle to ask me if his kid could pet my dog . Isaac really , really wanted to say hello to that kid . The kid was about as tall as Isaac . They stood there , nose to nose , Isaac 's tail wagging hard . The kid was about two , maybe three . He reached up and petted Isaac on the side of the face , really , really gently . It was so cute . Isaac loved it . And the kid told me " thank you " really nicely . A few minutes later , this kid that was about seven or eight came running toward me , asking , " Ma ' am , ma ' am , can I pet your dog ? " So I said yes and he petted Isaac and he asked me what my dog 's name was . He was shopping with his grandma and later on , when Isaac and I were on our way up to the front of the store to pay for our stuff , we saw the kid and his grandma , and the kid said , really loud and excited , " Grandma ! Look , Grandma ! There 's Isaac ! " One of my job duties was doing intakes on kids referred to the program . I met with the kid and at least one parent or guardian and gathered information about why they had been referred to the program and determined whether or not they were suitable participants for our program . Kids with serious mental illness or serious substance abuse programs , for instance , needed more intense treatment than what we provided and they were referred to appropriate services instead of enrolled in our program . On more than one occasion , I met with teens that behaved fairly appropriately during the intake and that apologized to me for the inappropriate behavior of their parents . I remember one telephone call in which an angry mother , upon being informed she was expected to attend the program with her child , shouted at me , " I don 't need no anger management , " along with some profanities . She called me back a little while later after her coworkers - apparently she had made that call from work and her coworkers could not help but overhear her cursing and shouting about how she didn 't need no anger management - suggested that perhaps she could use a little anger management after all and told her that she should call me back to apologize . I was impressed that she actually listened to them and did call to apologize . In the time that I worked at that job , I had the opportunity to facilitate anger management group sessions for teenage boys , teenage girls , and parents . The boys were the easiest . Teenage girls were more challenging , but the parents were the most difficult . I liked the parents group that I led for more than a year , but it was very , very challenging . The first day we met , dad brought him to the session . We meet at the public library . They arrived about five minutes late . No big deal . I had asked dad , four days earlier , to take TK to an office supply store to buy a daily planner in which to keep track of his assignments , prior to our first session . I explained that I wanted TK to pick out the planner . Dad agreed to do this . However , he " forgot " to do it and so TK showed up without a planner . Dad assured me he would do it before our next session two days later . Two days later , TK 's mother brought him to the session . They were 20 minutes late . Mom apologized to me several times and said she 'd " forgotten " she was supposed to bring him to tutoring . Dad still had not gotten him the planner . Today , dad sent me a text message at 2 : 59 . Tutoring is supposed to be from 3 : 00 to 4 : 00 . The text read , " We 're on today for 4 , right ? " I didn 't think for a minute that dad really thought tutoring was supposed to be at 4 : 00 . He 's the one that picked the time in the first place . And he got the kid there almost on time , at 3 : 00 , the week before . He knew what time he was supposed to be there . So TK arrived about five minutes later , but dad did not come in with him . He still did not have a planner . He also " forgot " to bring any of his school stuff other than his geometry stuff . At this point , I do not blame TK a bit for " forgetting " his other school stuff . If dad is forgetful and disorganized , which he certainly seems to be , how would TK have learned to be organized ? Organizational skills are just that - skills . You have to learn them from somewhere . You aren 't born with them . And it seems unlikely he 's had the opportunity to learn them from dad . I 'm very skeptical that dad is really as forgetful as he seems to want me to think he is . Maybe he 's just not prioritizing his kid 's tutoring , but if that 's the case , why hire a tutor ( and pay a tutor $ 60 a week ) in the first place ? I think he 's being passive - aggressive or sabotaging his kid or something , although I don 't know why . But if dad , and mom , are behaving like tutoring isn 't important enough to be on time for or to be prepared for with the proper supplies , like a planner , why would the kid think it was important to be prepared and bring the proper supplies , like textbooks ? On my way home , I stopped by an office supply store and bought TK a planner . I 'd have preferred dad to do it , and I 'd have preferred that TK got the opportunity to pick it out , but I want him to have it and that 's the most important thing . I know there are some people that never want to take responsibility for anything . They spill their coffee on themselves and sue McDonald 's because the coffee was hot . Of course , they ordered hot coffee . They would have been unhappy if they 'd been served lukewarm coffee . But there are other people , a lot of people , in our society that want to blame victims . Maybe victim isn 't always the right word , but sometimes it is , and they do blame victims . But they are the people that insist you are responsible for the choices you make , no matter what . They ignore the fact that the choices we have are sometimes , maybe oftentimes , limited by forces outside our control . They ignore the fact that the choices we see may also be limited by forces outside our control . What do I mean by that ? Well , we may not always see all the choices that are actually available to us . We are limited by the information we have . We are limited by the education we 've had . We are limited by the psychological development we 've achieved and the experiences we 've had . For instance . When I was 16 , I got pregnant . I choose to marry the father of my baby , against the advice of my parents but with their consent , because in the state in which I lived , you had to have your parents consent as well as permission from a judge in order to get married if you were under 18 . I had PTSD then , although it hadn 't been diagnosed . It hadn 't been diagnosed because my parents never took me to a therapist or doctor , even when I sort of overdosed on some Tylenol when I was in 8th grade . After I got married , I was an emancipated minor , which means for most purposes I was not considered a minor . So I did not need my parents ' consent to see a therapist . However , I had no money so I did not seek therapy . I was aware that therapy costs money . Now , you could saw that I chose not to seek therapy , that I could have gone to a mental health clinic that operated on a sliding fee scale or that I could have applied for and received Medicaid , which pays for therapy . Only I did not know those things existed . I grew up in a middle - class family and we had health insurance . Once I got married , I no longer had health insurance . My parents did not bother to tell me that things like clinics with sliding fee scales and Medicaid even existed . So I didn 't know that I had a choice . A teacher at school talked to me one day and told me where I could go for counseling and that it would be free since I had no money . Another teacher told me that I could get Medicaid , and where to go to apply for it , and that it would pay for all sorts of medical needs . And suddenly I had a lot more choices . provide for us . We cannot earn our own money , shop for our own food , and prepare our own food . We also don 't know what food is healthy and what food isn 't . We rely on our caregivers to meet our needs , including buying food and preparing it for us . As we grow older , we start learning more about nutrition , like at school , but most schools don 't provide very healthy food , either . As teenagers , maybe we are able to get an after school job and earn some money , and I guess we could use that money to buy healthy food , and as teenagers we are probably able to So when we become adults , yes , we 're responsible for buying and preparing our own food and making our own food choices , but we come to that point carrying baggage , and it 's not baggage that we chose to carry . It 's baggage placed on us by our childhood caregivers . Now , we can decide we don 't want to keep carrying that baggage and start taking steps to let some of it go , but most people can 't just do that instantly . It can take time , sometimes lots of time , and hard work . Even as adults , there are many things in our lives we have control over , but there are some things we don 't . For instance for the past three months , financially things have been really rough for me . I had to have some costly dental work done , and I didn 't choose to have dental bad , but was causing a lot of pain . For more than a month , I lived mostly on protein shakes and Greek yogurt and soup . So I made the choice to get the dental work done but it was very expensive and I live on a very tight budget anyway , and that large expense meant I needed to rely on food from a local food pantry for a few months if I wanted to eat . I made the choice to eat , so I visited the food pantry . I did not but chose to eat anyway because I wanted to eat and it was healthy for me ) , etc . And I did buy some groceries myself and made healthy choices there , but I was not able to afford to buy enough food to feed myself for a whole month . Again , I 'm not blaming the people at the food pantry Cayenne went to the vet yesterday morning . I consider it a great trip because she did not pee , poop or puke in the car and because I spent less than $ 100 there , which may be the cheapest trip to the vet with her ever . Cayenne has less positive feelings about it because it did involve riding in the car , and seeing and hearing other cats and dogs at the vet 's office , and being poked and prodded by the vet , but whatever . It was good for me . The vet said her belly is infected and she has antibiotics now , which of course she enjoys ( not ) . He also said that , unfortunately , getting the sore on her belly to heal will be very difficult because the sore spot in on one of the tumors and apparently these types of tumors tend to end up cutting off their own blood supply as they grow , which then causes the tissue to break down . We want to try to prevent infection , though , because she could easily get very sick and end up dying from infection long before the cancer has a chance to kill her . Those weren 't his exact words , but that 's the bottom line . However , other than the infected belly sore , she is in good health . She actually weighed four ounces more than she did the last time she was at the vet . She was also very vocal in the car , loudly announcing her displeasure about the trip , which is annoying and headache - producing , but it 's normal for her and the last couple times we went to the vet , I was actually a bit concerned because she was quieter than normal in the car . I think she was quiet because she wasn 't feeling well . I realize that in my post last night , I probably sounded like a lunatic . I was sort of crazy but maybe not in the way I sounded in my post . I was not really throwing my groceries around the kitchen , not exactly . It was more like slamming things down on the counter , slamming cabinet doors , stuff like that . I did throw a package of hotdogs into the freezer , but since I was standing right in front of the freezer , it wasn 't much of a throw . I was stomping my feet and being loud , though . And that is not at all typical of my behavior . I do think it frightened Isaac some . Cayenne was sitting on the couch the whole time , not looking fazed at all . I 'm not sure , but I think Isaac was bothered because he knew I was wanting him to do something but for some reason that I don 't quite understand , he didn 't understand what it was that I wanted . And then I was getting mad and of course that didn 't help him figure out what it was that I wanted . After I finished putting the groceries away and stomping around , I sat down on the couch and cried . Isaac came over to me , crept over , like he was a little unsure it was the right thing to do . He put his head on my knees and I put my arms around him and hugged him and then he was fine . He sat there with me for several minutes , then went and found a toy and brought that to me , which is typical Isaac behavior . I realize my thinking last night was really irrational . What I was thinking was something along the lines of , no one is helping me , I need help and no one will help , the rheumatologist won 't help , my other doctor won 't help , there is no one to help me , and now Isaac won 't even help me . Of course it 's not true that no one will help , but it was true that there was no one around last night to help me . And it is true that I don 't always have help when I need it . But I tend to get stuck in black and white thinking at times like that , where it 's all or nothing . No help at that moment means no help ever , period . And of course it 's not true that Isaac won 't help me or was refusing to help me or didn 't want to help me . Isaac , for reasons I am unsure of , didn 't know what was expected of him last night when I was having a major meltdown . That is not the same as refusing to help . Isaac very much wants to help but he is a dog , not a computer or robot or mind reader , and sometimes he gets mixed up or doesn 't understand . And usually , it 's because I am not communicating things to him clearly . Which is my fault , not his . Today Isaac and I practiced doing the lights and getting the meds a few times . We are going to practice those things a lot in the next few days . One of the problems may have been that I was standing in the doorway asking him to get the lights and we have not practiced that command from there very often . The light he gets the most often for me is the living room light and most of the time I am on the couch when I give him that command . He can turn on the lights in the kitchen , bathroom and bedroom , and we practice all of those occasionally , but probably not enough . I was wanting him to turn on the kitchen light last night , but maybe he wasn 't sure which light he was supposed to get . Really , it would have been OK with me if he turned on the living room light instead , but if he was confused about which light , it makes sense he didn 't turn on any of them . He needs to be given clear instructions and it 's my job to be clear with him . In addition to practicing the other lights more , we are going to practice getting the meds . Isaac and I have practiced that extensively , with me giving the command from all rooms in my apartment , and with me sitting on the floor , standing up , lying on the bed , etc . But we haven 't practiced it with me given the command in different tones of voice . Either I say , " Get the meds , " in a calm voice , or we also practice it with me sitting and rocking back and forth , which is something I do when I 'm very anxious , and he knows that means to get the meds without being told to get them . But by the time I told him to get them last night , I was upset because he hadn 't turned on the light and because of everything else that was going on , and I think I was loud and angry - sounding . So we 're going to practice it with me saying it in different tones of voice . Yesterday I saw the rheumatologist and for the most part , I think the appointment went well . She diagnosed me with fibromyalgia , which I was expecting , and also told me that I have osteoarthritis in my hands . She recommends continuing with the Cymbalta and also prescribed gabopentin , which is an anti - seizure medication that is also sued to treat fibromyalgia . She also recommended taking a glucosamine / chondroitin supplement . I picked some up but I 'm not sure if I 'll continue taking it , because the research doesn 't seem too promising that it will really help , plus it 's expensive , plus most of those supplements are made from shellfish and bovine cartilage and I am a vegetarian and do not feel good about taking supplements made from animals . The only bad news is that she doesn 't want to prescribe pain medication or my muscle relaxer because she says those don 't help much with fibromyalgia and can even end up making fibromyalgia pain worse somehow . Well . Maybe that 's all true , but what about my back ? I have degenerative disk disease . My back doesn 't hurt because of fibro , or at least , not only because of fibro . So I have about a dozen pain pills left and even fewer muscle relaxers . So I decided I needed to stop taking them right away and save the ones I have left for when I really , really need them . Like if I can 't get out of bed at all . Or if I can 't get out of the car . That 's happened before . Once I lay in bed for about eight hours before I was able to move . Another time I could not get out of the car and had to call Mike and he had to leave work and come home to help me . But that 's when we were together . If that happened now , I would have no one to call . But I have my purse with me in the car and I always have pain meds in my purse . So I need to save the few I have left for things like that . For the last couple of months , I 've been taking four Tramadol and three Flexeril a day . This morning , I took one Tramadol because I had to take Cayenne to the vet and it 's very difficult and very painful for me to lift the cat carrier with her in it . She weighs 8 lbs . 4 oz . I have a hard time lifting a gallon of milk , which weighs five pounds . So lifting and carrying Cayenne in her carrier is hard for me . So I took a pain pill . But no more all day . I 've cried twice today , because of the pain . I managed to nap for about an hour . This evening I went grocery shopping , which I dreaded because I was already in pain and I thought lifting groceries would make it worse , but I had very little to eat in the house . The last few days have been busy for me and I can 't do too many things in the same day . So I went shopping . I didn 't buy anything heavy . I bought a half gallon of almond milk , but that 's the heaviest things . I didn 't buy a gallon of milk because I didn 't want to have to lift that much . I bought yogurt . I bought a couple protein bars . Light stuff . When I got home , I was in a lot of pain . I had forgotten to leave a light on and it had grown dark while I was at the store . So I told Isaac to turn on the light . And he acted like he had no clue what I was talking about . Wouldn 't turn it on . I don 't know what the problem was . I ended up having to walk into the dark house and turn on a light myself . By then I was really anxious and also angry and just overwhelmed . I told Isaac to bring my meds . Again , he acted like he had no clue what I was saying . That might have been because I was upset and yelling . I think I scared him . I was also throwing my groceries around the kitchen . I really lost it . I got my own meds and I practically tripped over Isaac because although he didn 't want to get my meds for me , he wanted to be right by me . So I yelled at him to go lie down . Which he did . And he stayed right there until I was done putting my groceries away / throwing them around the kitchen . After that I sat on the couch and called Isaac over to me and hugged him . Then I just cried for a while . I 'm in so much pain . I don 't know how I 'm going to deal with this without any medication . I just don 't . I decided I had to make her an appointment . One of the tumors on her belly looks positively awful . It is oozing bloody stuff and she keeps licking it and licking it . The vet is probably going to give her antibiotics and one of those Elizabethan collars that make pets look like satellite dishes . She will hate that . I think her belly is bothering her a lot . I don 't think she is in terrible pain , but she is definitely uncomfortable . She 's still on the anti - inflammatory / pain medication but it doesn 't seem to be giving her much relief . She is eating well and still seems to enjoy being petted and brushed . But she 's uncomfortable . court at some point . Apparently at the police station , when they tried to fingerprint her and stuff , she got aggressive and smacked a cop , so now she is also being charged with assaulting a police officer . The bad news is that the dog , while he is recovering from his physical injury , now behaves nervously in Walmart and refuses to go down the aisle where this happened and shies away from strangers that approach him , especially women of the same ethnicity as the woman that kicked him . His owner has scheduled an appointment with an animal behaviorist , but the dog may end up having to retire . Do you understand how devastating that would be ? It could be more than a year before the owner could get another service dog . I don 't know about her finances , but it 's possible should can 't afford two dogs , which would mean in order to get another service dog , the current dog would have to be re - homed . I don 't know what the maximum penalty the kicking woman can get , but I 'm betting it 's not nearly severe enough for all that . I see the rheumatologist tomorrow . I 'm anxious about it . I 'm worried she 's not going to listen to me ( and I found numerous reviews of her online , where prior patients complained that she doesn 't listen ) and that she won 't want to prescribe adequate pain medication . My primary care physician doesn 't want to keep treating my pain , but right now I don 't even have a diagnosis , so who knows if it 's something the rheumatologist would treat . I mean , if she thinks it 's fibromyalgia then she would treat that , but what if that 's not the diagnosis ? And what about my back ? I don 't think my back problems are caused by fibromyalgia , even if I do have fibro . The back pain is due to degenerative disk disease and / or a herniated disk , depending on which back specialist you think is right , and that 's not the kind of thing rheumatologists treat . So I 'm worried that I 'm not going to get adequate pain medication . The medication I have currently is just barely adequate . But I will run out of it over the coming weekend and if the rheumatologist doesn 't prescribe more , I 'm not sure how I 'm going to cope . I 'm trying not to panic about it now , to wait and see what happens , because anxiety only makes the pain worse and there 's no sense making it worse now when I don 't even know that 's going to happen . But it 's hard not to worry . Today I went to Walmart to buy a stress ball for the kid I am tutoring . The stress balls were in the fitness equipment section and happened to be right beside the exercise balls . I had been considering getting an exercise ball , not because I 'm going to exercise on it ( might as well admit that up front ) , but because sitting on one is supposed to help strengthen your core muscles . I thought it would be worth a try to see if it helps my lower back pain any . Well , they were on sale , marked down from $ 18 to just $ 8 . So I decided to buy one . Hopefully Isaac doesn 't think it 's a toy for him and pounce on it as soon as I inflate it . I plan to store it in the closet when I 'm not using it because even though it 's supposed to be burst - resistant , I 'm sure Isaac could manage to burst it . He bursts basketballs , for goodness sake . I read an article online that said sitting on a ball while watching television or reading or something like that burns an extra 30 calories an hour , as compared to doing those things sitting on the couch . So that would be cool , too . Not than I 'm going to spend many hours on it in one day , but still . The kid I 'm tutoring , I 'll call him TK , is 15 . He 's very likeable . He 's articulate , seems pretty bright , and at times even seemed insightful . Now , I won 't fault a teenager for lack of insight . Teens are often pretty un - insightful . It 's actually pretty developmentally appropriate for teens , although it can certainly drive parents and educators crazy at times . However , at one point I asked him how he gets along with his teachers and he told me , " I try to be really respectful to my teachers all the time . If you 're respectful , they sometimes go a little easier on you or give you a little extra help . If you 're disrespectful , they don 't do that . " Now , that is pretty insightful for a teenager . When I was a social worker , I spent I - don 't - even - know - how - many anger management sessions trying to explain that concept to teens that were in trouble for things like beating up their teachers and threatening to blow up their schools . Then at one point he was telling me that sometimes he doesn 't feel very motivated to do his schoolwork and I asked him why he thought that was . He said he wasn 't sure . He told me that his dad thinks it 's because when he was in middle school , some of his teachers graded him unfairly and that his dad thinks that made him not feel like trying anymore . That is what his dad told me when I met with him . TK said he 's not sure if that 's really the reason , though . It might be but he isn 't sure . I thought that was kind of . . . well , maybe insightful isn 't the right word . But it was interesting that he is aware of what his dad thinks is the problem and that he 's considered it carefully and hasn 't just grabbed onto it as an excuse . I asked him a bunch of questions and he seemed to be answering honestly and thoughtfully . A couple times he seemed surprised by a question and said , " I need to think about that for a minute . " And then he thought for a minute and then tried to answer as clearly as he could . A couple times he gave rather vague answers and then asked , " Do you want me to be more specific ? " In which case I said , " If you can be more specific , that would be good . " And then he would elaborate on his answer . I think he 's pretty articulate . He seems able to express himself pretty easily . I asked him if he thought his teachers like him and he said yes , he knows they do . Now , dad thinks the teachers dislike the kid . I did not tell him dad told me that . But I found it very interesting that dad thinks that and that TK thinks the opposite . What I 'm thinking is that the teachers don 't dislike TK , the teachers dislike the dad . It 's possible TK just can 't tell that they don 't like him , but he doesn 't seem socially inept in that way . I think he 'd know . Now , it 's also possible that the teachers don 't like him and he knows it but just didn 't want to admit it to me . He might feel embarrassed about it . But he seemed pretty comfortable telling me how his grades are really poor and other stuff that he might feel embarrassed about , so I think he was probably being honest about the teachers liking him . All I did today was talk to him and ask a bunch of questions . I wanted to get to know him and to establish a rapport and to let him know what he can expect from me . Like , he can expect me to treat him like an intelligent being , he can expect me to care about his thoughts and opinions , he can expect me to be respectful towards him , he can expect me to support him in his goals , etc . I feel like that went very well . Together we were able to identify a couple of things that might be helpful . I noticed him fidgeting a lot and asked if he felt he could focus better when he was moving and he said yes , definitely . I mentioned that some people find it helpful to have one of those stress balls to squeeze while they work and he really liked that idea . So tomorrow I am going to go find a stress ball for him . Hopefully Walmart has them . I also told him that I 'd read an article recently that was written for adults with ADHD and that it suggested sitting on one of those exercise balls while you work . I wasn 't sure what a teenager would think of that . I thought he might think that seemed too silly or weird . But he actually thought it sounded like fun . I 've been thinking of buying one for myself , to help strengthen my back muscles . Maybe I 'll go ahead and get one and then take it with me to tutoring one day and let him try it out and see if he likes it . Isaac has an awesome vet . ( And here is a link to a review of the veterinary practice , in case anyone is looking for a good vet around here . ) The vet is near where I lived with Mike so it 's a bit of a drive from where I live now but I still take Isaac there because I really like the vet and because they give me a discount because Isaac is a service dog . Yesterday Isaac had to go to the vet to get his annual vaccines and heart worm test and all that stuff . Isaac likes going to the vet . Of course , Isaac likes going anywhere . He loves car rides . A trip to the vet is super fun for Isaac . First he gets a nice car ride there . Then , on the way from the car to the office , he gets to sniff places where many other dogs have peed and pee on those spots himself . When we get inside , there is plenty of other stuff to sniff . The vet sits down on the floor with Isaac and so does the vet tech and they both pet him and talk to him and tell him he 's a good boy . They also give out doggie treats . Then when we leave , he gets to sniff and pee some more on the way to the car , and then he gets another ride in the car . What 's not to like ? Well , the only part Isaac didn 't like was getting blood drawn . He had that same look on his face that he gets when I cut his toenails or make him get in the bathtub . He stood perfectly still and let the vet draw the blood . But he looked like his heart was breaking , he was so sad . It 's that look that says , " Why , oh why , are you being so mean to me when I love you so much ? " So he got his shots and he is very healthy . He weighs 79 . 5 lbs , about a pound less than the last time he was at the vet . He is a big boy . A few days ago I wrote about taking service dogs on job interviews . I ended up not taking Isaac to my interview , but I got the job and I start today . I will be tutoring a teenager that maybe has ADHD and / or some sort of learning disabilities . I will be doing one hour tutoring sessions twice a week . Working two hours a week is a very , very part time job . Which is why I think I can do it . I have to be there at 3 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays , which means I don 't have to get up early for it and I have a day off to rest and / or get other stuff done in between . I 'll be working sitting down and will not be doing anything physically strenuous . I should be able to do it . It has been almost 11 years since I had any kind of a normal job . I 'm not sure tutoring two hours a week counts as a normal job , but it 's more of a normal job than freelance writing . I have to be there at a certain time , I have to interact with other people , I can 't decide to just take a nap instead because I 'm tired or don 't feel well . I can 't do it from my living room couch wearing my pajamas . I think I 'm going to enjoy it . I don 't think it will be too difficult for me . I know working with teenagers is challenging , but I used to be a social worker and I ran an anger management program for teenagers . If I could get juvenile delinquents to show up for and participate in anger management groups , I think I can get one teenager to do some homework . I know how to get reluctant teens to engage . I 'm looking forward to it . I hope it goes well . The money will definitely be nice , but even more than that , I 'm just looking forward to doing something with some meaning . A Starbucks employee told him dogs weren 't allowed . He said his dog was a service dog . The employee said , " You 're not blind , " which is a fairly stupid thing to say , but people say it . I was asked by an employee at Jiffy Lube if I was blind . Yes , I drove my car up , got out of the car with my service dog , sat there until he was done changing my oil , paid for the oil change and signed the credit card slip , and then , as I was preparing to get back into my car , he asked if I was blind . I laughed and pointed out that if someone drives to Jiffy Lube , they probably can see OK . Anyway . The Starbucks employee then asked what the dog was trained to do . Employees are allowed to ask that . The U . S . Department of Justice says so . It is not a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act to ask that . The man with the service dog answered the question and then the employee asked him why he can 't do those things for himself . That is a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act . The employee should not have asked that . He was wrong . However , the disabled man was not required to answer the question in order to enter the store and make his purchase . He was not turned away , either . Another employee stepped in , told the first employee to stop asking questions , and told the disabled man he could bring his service dog into the store . Problem solved . But the man with the service dog was embarrassed . Well , I can understand that . But there is no law prohibiting employees from embarrassing customers , whether or not the customers have service dogs or disabilities . There is no law preventing employees from being rude , either . So the problem was resolved on the spot and the man with the service dog was not denied access . But he was embarrassed , so he made a big stink and involved the media . Starbucks issued an apology but he says he 'll never go there again because the employee embarrassed him . Well , OK . He certainly doesn 't have to go there if he doesn 't want to . But I find it objectionable that he 's stirring up the media and they are printing headlines saying he was turned away when he wasn 't . I came across an ad online the other day from a father looking for a tutor for his teenage son . The son has some learning difficulties and perhaps other issues , such as ADHD and depression , that have not been formally diagnosed . The dad wants a tutor to help his son get organized and help make sure work is completed on time and to help with study skills and test - taking skills and stuff like that . I 've worked with kids with learning difficulties and ADHD and things like that extensively in the past and I have experience teaching and it sounded like a great fit for me . And it 's for one hour twice a week . And it will pay me enough to pay Isaac 's dog walker , which may not sound like much but his dog walker is one of my largest expenses . Now , this was a bit different than a " normal " job interview situation for a couple reasons . First , I don 't think the ADA applies to dads that hire tutors for their kids . The ADA definitely does not apply to private homes , so if I am tutoring a kid in his own home , whether I work for a company to which the ADA does apply or not , the family does not have to allow me to bring a service dog into their home . Second , I wasn 't even planning on asking to bring my service dog to the home to tutor the kid , and I wouldn 't have been considering bringing my dog if I had been meeting the dad at his house instead of a coffee shop , so it wasn 't like I would have to have " the service dog talk " with him later on if he offered me the job . So why was I thinking of bringing Isaac to the interview ? Really just because it 's easier for me . Was it possible for me to go without my service dog ? Sure . And that is what I ended up doing . But it wasn 't an easy decision for me . This morning Isaac and I played a couple rounds of Find the Hotdogs . It 's one of Isaac 's favorite games , since it involves hotdogs . Isaac firmly believes hotdogs are the most wonderful food in the whole entire world . Cayenne likes them , too , by the way . She wanted to get in on the Find the Hotdogs game . Although she wasn 't really that interested in finding them . She just wanted to eat them , really . I tell Isaac to sit and to stay . He does and then he watches with rapt attention while I " hide " small bits of hotdogs around the room . I usually do five or six hotdog pieces at a time . Then I tell him , " Find the hotdogs ! " and he finds - and eats - the hotdogs . He usually remembers where he saw me " hide " the last two pieces . He goes directly to those and gobbles them up . He knows there are more but doesn 't remember exactly where , so he goes around the room , sniffing for them . If he has trouble finding them all , I give him a hint by pointing him in the right direction . Isaac likes the game because it involved hotdogs , but I like it for several reasons . First , he has to practice staying even when he sees enticing hotdogs . That 's good practice for him . But it also helps with memory , and with nose work , and with learning about he concept of " finding " something . And it 's fun for a cold day when Isaac does not get to go out for a run . Yesterday Cayenne was licking her belly a lot . She usually doesn 't lick her tumors much . They get scabs on them and sometimes ooze a little and I try to keep the hair around them trimmed so it doesn 't get stuck in the oozing / scabby stuff . When I see her licking her belly a lot , I look to see if she 's actually messing with the scabs or tumors or if she 's just washing the rest of her belly . If she 's licking the tumors , I try to distract her and discourage her from licking them . Well , yesterday she was licking her belly , and I looked to see what she was licking , and it looked like her whole belly was awash in blood . I am not particularly squeamish , but it kind of freaked me out . I said , " Oh my god , Cayenne ! " and froze for a second , then jumped up and grabbed some clean rags . I couldn 't even see where the blood was coming from , there was so much . Of course , Cayenne did not appreciate my assistance and was not particularly cooperative . I tried to wipe off as much blood as I could , so I could at least see where it was coming from . It all appeared to be coming from one of the two tumors . It appeared she had pulled a scab off , a big scab . I tried to put pressure on it for a little while , to help stop the bleeding , which Cayenne also did not appreciate . It didn 't seem to be particularly painful for her . She did like me touching it but she didn 't like me looking at it , either , and I know looking with my eyes did not hurt her . When I let go of her , she trotted over to her food dish and ate a little dry cat food . Then she lay down on her blankie , on her belly , probably because she figured if she was lying on it , I couldn 't mess with it . She didn 't eat much dinner last night and didn 't eat much breakfast this morning . That is unusual for her and it worried me . I gave her half a jar of stinky turkey baby food this afternoon , while Isaac was out for his run , and she gobbled that up . Maybe I 'll give her an extra dose of her anti - inflammatory this evening . She was without it for a few days because we ran out and I had to wait until I got paid to go to the vet and get more . That stuff is $ 38 for a small bottle . I feel bad that I ran out for a few days , though . She didn 't seem like she was uncomfortable during that time but maybe it made the tumors bother her more . This morning , on our way back in from peeing in the snow , Isaac spotted one of our neighbors , we 'll call her N , and her daughter , we 'll call her C , sitting in the community room . Isaac has figured out that neighbors no longer gather on the patio since it 's cold out , but instead they hang out in the community room . Every time we come inside from an outing , he checks to see if anyone is in there . If there is someone in there , he insists on stopping to say hello . N loves Isaac . Everyone loves Isaac , but she absolutely adores him . At Christmastime , she gave me a card address to " Kelly and the Dog That I Love . " She 's the one that told me sometimes she feels scared but she always feels better when Isaac is around . He climbs right up in her lap and she wants him to , even when his feet are all wet from the snow . He kisses her face and she loves it . She 's also the one that , several months ago , happened to be walking by the laundry room when Isaac was getting clothes out of the dryer for me and , even though I 'd told her that was one of his tasks , was astounded and amazed to see him actually doing it . C loves Isaac , too . A week or so ago , I was telling her about some of the things Isaac does for me and I dropped my hat and had him pick it up for me and then I had him turn on the lights in the community room . She was suitably impressed . Today , N was sitting on the couch in the community room and C was sitting on a chair next to the couch . Isaac climbed into N 's lap , kissed her , then climbed over the arm of the chair into C 's lap and kissed her . Then he climbed back over onto the couch and lay down between them where they could both pet him . Now , please understand I am only letting him climb on people , and on the furniture , because both of those people wanted him to climb on them and are perfectly OK with him being on the furniture . I let Isaac on my furniture , but I wouldn 't let him on someone else 's without making sure it was OK with them . The furniture in the community room belongs to the apartment complex , and I don 't really know how the owners feel about my dog being on the couch , but if the residents who use that room are OK with it , then I 'm OK with it , too . I don 't want to sound like I just let my dog go nuts , though . I left my house about 8 am and stopped by the rental office to pay my rent . I went to the gas station and filled up my car , drove 40 minutes to Meijer ( where I bought vitamins , protein bars , dog treats and an MP3 player , so it 's not like I did a ton of shopping ) , went to the farm supply store to buy dog food , went to Cayenne 's vet to pick up anti - inflammatory medication for her ( I called ahead so they had it waiting for me so that was a quick stop ) , went to the post office ( where there was no line so I was in and out quickly ) , went to the pharmacy where I went through the drive up window so I didn 't even have to get out of the car ( and Isaac hit the jackpot and scored a whole handful of treats from the pharmacy technician ) , and went to the bank to get quarters for laundry ( where I also went through the drive up window so I didn 't have to get out of the car , and where Isaac scored another treat ) . Then I drove 40 minutes home and hauled all my stuff inside . The whole thing took me just over three hours . I came home and sat on the couch . I tried to set up my MP3 player , or started to , anyway , and decided I was too tired to figure it out . The dog walker came and took Isaac out for a run ( yay ! First run in two weeks . But I was so worn out I could barely stay awake and Isaac had enough energy to go for an hour - long run ) . I ate a protein bar for dinner because I was too exhausted to fix anything . I fell asleep on the couch about 6 : 30 pm and slept for four hours . I got up about 10 : 30 pm , took Isaac out to pee , had something to drink and went back to sleep . Isaac woke me up this morning at 5 : 30 am and I had to drag myself out of bed to take him out . I am supposed to be having a friend over for dinner tonight . Not only does that mean I need to cook dinner , but in order to do that , I have to go to the grocery store . I also need to do a bit of cleaning up around the house . I 'm frustrated by this , but even the frustration , and probably some feelings of guilt as well , feels blunted or dull . I don 't have enough energy to be really frustrated . Frustration takes energy . I didn 't feel like I was pushing myself too much yesterday . I felt OK while I was running my errands . I 'm surprised to find myself this exhausted . I 've done this to Isaac twice . Once was the first time I used the nail clippers made especially for dogs , which ironically enough are supposed to prevent you from cutting the nail too short . The second time was yesterday . The first time I did it , Isaac let out this yelp like I 'd chopped off a toe . The nail bled like crazy . I mean , there were big red drops of blood all over the carpet and everything . I felt terrible and was really scared to cut his nails again . The reason I did cut them again , and later that very same day ( I needed to finish the job because I stopped when I cut the nail too short ) , was because I didn 't want Isaac to become scared of having his nails cut . I thought finishing the job later the same day would help . I wanted to do it without acting afraid at all ( which was not easy for me because I was afraid ) and I wanted him to see that he could get his nails cut without it hurting him . Yesterday when it happened , I still felt bad , but I 'm not scared of cutting his nails again . I didn 't panic as much this time . I knew what to do . So here 's a handy little trick . I keep a glass jar ( used to hold salsa ) with cornstarch in it . To stop the bleeding , just stick the dog 's toes into the cornstarch . In less than a minute , the bleeding was stopped . I can 't remember who told me that trick . It might have been Isaac 's trainer . I 'm not sure why or how it works , but it does . It 's still cold out but it 's warm enough that some of the snow and ice is beginning to melt . So Isaac and I went for a walk . I am continuing to use the prong collar with him and he seldom pulls on the leash anymore . Once in a while he does pull , when there is something he really really wants to sniff . That suggests to me that the collar isn 't causing too much discomfort even when he does pull , which I am glad about because I don 't want it to be too uncomfortable for him . One of my neighbors commented on the fact that he isn 't lunging at and jumping on people so much anymore . That sounds really bad , like he was completely out of control and like I was letting him jump on people all the time , and that 's really not the case . But his enthusiasm for greeting people was getting out of hand . He is doing much better and I 'm glad my neighbor noticed . I 've also continued to work on the commands " paws up " and " off " with him , so I can give him permission to put his feet up people that don 't mind or even like him to do that and I can also tell him to get off people that don 't like it . The other day we came in from a walk and his feet were all wet and cold from the snow and one of my neighbors that Isaac really likes ( and she really likes him , too ) was sitting in the lobby of our building . She likes him to put his feet on her but I told him not to because his feet were wet but she said she didn 't mind , to let him do it . So I did . Anyway , back to the prong collar . Today on our walk , Isaac spotted a squirrel running across a snowy lawn . He was excited to see it . He stopped in his tracks , he was very alert and tense , and his tail was wagging like crazy . But he didn 't attempt to take off after the squirrel . I wish I would have had some yummy treats with me to give him for that , but I didn 't . He got a lot of praise , though , and an ear rub . I am very pleased with his behavior when using the prong collar , but even more pleased that I can walk him now without worrying about hurting my back . When he would pull in the past , or try to take off after a squirrel or something and I would try to prevent him from taking off , it really aggravated my back pain . It often triggered painful muscle spasms . There were times it made me cry . I know Isaac didn 't mean to hurt me , but it was a real problem . I 'm so glad we can now take long walks together again . I know Isaac loves walks and I need the exercise , too . |
We just carved our pumpkin , yes I know a little late , but my son didn 't care . He told me how he is going to teach his kids to carve pumpkins when he is a dad . Then , he really wanted to dig into all the candy that I was pouring in the bowl to hand out . I told him he had to wait until he gets his own . ( I don 't quite understand why we make our kids walk around in the cold spooky night when we have a huge bowlful , at home . ) But I know my son and I will have fun walking around in the cold together . Kathy p . s . I just wanted to say how proud I am of all my students . Not all of them passed their tests , but I was very proud of the way everyone skated ! Today is testing day for many of my skaters . Passing tests is the only way a skater moves to a new level . It 's nerve racking . Three judges sit at the side of the rink and zero in on every mistake like a hungry eagle hunting mice . If the skater performs the particular set of skills well , they receive a " Pass " . If not , the dreaded " Retry " . If I have done my job correctly , all the skater has to do is stay calm , hopefully the skating just flows . Unfortunately , this is not an easy task . Some skaters attach so much to passing the test that they " lose their legs " out on the ice . They wobble , they forget their patterns , . . . . . . they fall . But skating is all about handling pressure . As their coach all I ask is that they do their best and get back up if they fall . There is always another test . In order to effectively do my job , I have to demonstrate certain techniques on the ice . Because I 'm quickly approaching the big 40 , I have to make sure I stretch regularly to prevent injury . When I was younger , there were many times in the day that I set aside for stretching . Now , it is much more difficult . I managed , however , to find the perfect time . My husband thinks I 'm totally crazy ( which I probably am ) , but I do it while I 'm brushing my teeth . I have one of those electric toothbrushes that beeps when you 're supposed to switch sides . I hate just standing there waiting , so while the toothbrush scrubs my molars , I put one leg up on the sink and stretch . When I hear the beep , it 's time to switch sides . It only adds up to 2 minutes of stretching , but once I have started it 's hard to stop . Usually , I continue for another 10 minutes , then I 'm relaxed and ready to go to sleep . I only wish I could read my book at the same time . Oh well . Kathy My son , who 's 6 , is home sick today with a fever and a cough . I never like it when my kids are sick , but I have to admit I like it when they are home . I wanted to make him a light breakfast that would help his throat feel better . He asked for miso soup , ginger tea , and Jello . Luckily , I had all the ingredients on hand because my wonderful mother - in - law keeps my pantry stocked with the staples of Japanese cuisine . After breakfast , I told him he should lay down and rest . He wanted to put in a movie . I didn 't want it to distract my daughters from their schooling ( I homeschool them ) . He decided to watch a production of the Metropolitan Opera performing Mozart 's Magic Flute . He likes the dragon in it . So while I 'm writing and the girls are studying , he is laying on the couch listening to the Queen of the Night 's transcendental arias . Last summer my 13 year old daughter had the exciting opportunity to take classes at Northwestern University . She had never been on her own before . Though she is a responsible kid , I was nervous to think that she would be 5 hours away from us for 3 weeks ! I was going to miss her terribly . She was still so young , at least in my mind . She and my husband , however had confidence that she would be fine . She filled up the van with more than 3 weeks worth of clothing . We stuffed ourselves in and drove her from Ohio to the Chicago area . As we approached the University , her stomach began to tighten into knots . We arrived at the dorm where she would be staying . We had to practically pull her to the different check - in lines . It was like her brain had shut down as she waited for us to figure things out for her . Finally , my husband decided that if she was going to make this work , she had to start being independent now . So we sat on a bench in the lobby and we told her to go figure things out . She kind of wandered around , shyly asking a few people questions . She came back and reported half an answer . My husband gave her his quizzical look meaning , " What , are you sure that makes sense ? " She would return to the line to ask a follow up question . Eventually , we met her roommate and unpacked all her things . It was now time to leave . I told myself that I couldn 't cry because it would make her upset . She and I were both fine until my son gave her a good bye hug and refused to let go . He looked like a monkey clinging to his tree for dear life . " We can 't leave her ! " He said . Now three of us were crying . We pried his fingers from her and got back into the van for a long quiet ride back to Ohio . 3 weeks without my first child did not fly by , but soon we were all happily climbing back in the van to pick her up . When we arrived back on campus , we were supposed to wait for her at the dorm . But we wanted to see her as soon as possible , so we walked to her class building and waited outside . When she came out of class , my son was the first to run up and jump into her arms . Back at her room , we packed up all her things . This time , she quickly and efficiently found out exactly how to check out and return her keys . She had gained a new confidence in herself . It was great to see . I 'm definitely not looking forward to the day she goes off to college for 4 years , but I can 't wait to see what she becomes when she is finished . I have a friend at work who is trying to improve his diet . He knows that I 'm kind of a health food nut , so he asked me if I had any suggestions . He already knew that he should be eating mostly fruits and veggies , but it was hard for him to come up with interesting ways to eat them . I love yogurt and I 'm a firm believer that ever since I started ingesting massive quantities , I 've been a lot healthier . I suggested he add more yogurt to his meals , but I wasn 't convinced that he would . I decided to bring him a sample dish to show him how yummy yogurt could be . I brought in a large plastic container of my Yogurt Apple Salad , a spoon , and a bowl . He gobbled up his bowlful and said he would rather have that than dessert . Yeah ! I left him the rest of the container . I was thrilled that he enjoyed it . I know that my salad alone won 't make the world healthier place , but I was happy to have given him a healthy and tasty option . The next day I came in to work and he had finished the last spoonfuls , told everyone else about it , and asked for the recipe ! So here it is : Simply mix the apples , grapes , and nuts ( if using ) in a bowl . Mix in the yogurt to thoroughly cover all the ingredients . Add the cinnamon and honey . Mix and serve and enjoy ! Store refrigerated . Kathy My son has grown up with music . My girls have played the piano and violin since before he was born . It was only natural that he would want to start playing himself instead of merely watching their lessons . This year , as he turned 6 , he decided he wanted to try piano . The first few trial lessons went very well . He seemed to catch on quickly and the teacher suggested he have his own 1 / 2 hour lesson . This last week however , we hit a major bump in the musical road . He was told by his teacher that he needed to practice his 4 songs 6 times every day . We sat down to practice one night and he asked me how many total songs that meant . When I told him 24 , I thought he was going to run out of the room . He did however sit on the bench and begin to play , but not the songs he was supposed to practice . He wanted to make up his own songs . I sat behind him and let him play his own composition until I felt he might not stop on his own . We turned to his song and we started to review the notes . ( I 'm far from a musician myself but I know enough of the basics to guide him . ) He read the first three notes keeping the time as he spoke . The fourth note he said incorrectly and he knew it before I even said anything , so he started over . This time he made it to the 6th note , so he started over . Now he reached the end of the first line . . . . and he started over . By this time his short fuse was about to ignite and he hadn 't even played the song yet . He felt he had to be perfect and if he wasn 't he had to start over . I told him he should keep going but he refused . After about 20 minutes of this , I was able to get him to begin playing . Unfortunately , we went through the same routine . I quickly decided that our practice session of 24 songs was going to have to be trimmed down to maybe 1 . I finally told him that as soon as he made it through the whole song ( which was only 2 lines ) , we could get ready for bed . Despite how much he wanted to be done practicing , he continued to start over at the slightest mistake in note or tempo . I wasn 't even pointing out the errors , he did it all himself and I just sat there behind him . I honestly had no idea what to do . But I felt that if I let him give up and go to bed it would set a bad precedent . So we continued to sit at the piano , both of us now exhausted . After about an hour of this he finally finished the whole song and it was almost perfect , he made one tiny error on the last note . But I quickly said , " Okay you 're done . Great job ! " He sat on my lap on the couch and Kathy Posted by I was excited to hang my new bird feeder . I found the perfect place for it . I could see it from the kitchen window or the the patio door . Soon my feathered friends appeared and happily feasted on the seed mix . I had woodpeckers , tufted titmouse , cardinals , chickadees , goldfinch and the occasional Eastern Mountain bluebird . The kids were so intrigued by all the different species that we borrowed a bird book from the library . Then the squirrels came . At first , it was funny to see how the they jumped from the deck rail to the feeder , or how they hung upside down from the tree managing to get only a few seeds before twisting and plopping to the ground . Soon , however , the squirrels taught themselves how to bat at the feeder to knock the seeds onto the ground , where they could gobble them all up in minutes . One even figured out how to hang upside down , stretch out , pull the feeder up with his tiny paws and stick his nose into the seed tube . Of course all this squirrelly activity frightened the birds . I kept refilling the feeder naively thinking that eventually the squirrels would have their fill . Who was I kidding , even I don 't turn down free food when I 'm full ! This went on for a while until they had eaten the plastic tubing as well and the feeder didn 't even hold seeds anymore . Now it was war . I bought a suet feeder . They can 't knock the seeds out and the wire cage prevents their pesky little noses from getting in . It was peaceful again , and the birds returned . I had won ! I had outsmarted those little tree rodents . I woke up the next morning eager to see my birdy neighbors . I looked out the window and all the suet was gone ! Maybe the squirrels are smarter than me after all . " The hardest part is the writing " , people said about making a blog . I kept putting it off , feeling I should read Computers for Dummies , first . Then , my daughter started one . Even though she has taught me all I know about cellphones and Facebook , I figured , if she could do it so could I . I decided it was time to try . The set up wasn 't hard , until I had to insert some code onto my site . I read over the directions . I read them again . I couldn 't figure out what they meant . It was like I was trying to read Chinese . I kept trying all sorts of things , but nothing worked . My older brother , who designs software , could have done the task in two minutes . I sat staring at those words for three days . It haunted me in my sleep . I searched the internet . Every search resulted in the same foreign words . I was about to give up and email my brother , when I happened across a slightly different explanation , one with real words not written for a computer to read . It worked ! " I figured it out ! " I yelled . I jumped up from the computer and pumped my fists to the sky like I had just scored the winning goal of the Stanley Cup . My brother will be so proud ! I thought . The kids were just happy that now I could leave the computer for awhile . My girls and I had a great time making apple pie together . They helped me peel the apples , mix the filling , make the crust and roll it out . Usually , when I make a pie , they aren 't all that interested in helping . They might add a few ingredients and then get distracted by something more interesting . But this time , I loved it that they seemed to want to learn how to make a pie and to spend time with me . I felt so honored that my teenager and almost teen wanted to spend their day that way . Even my son helped out with decorating the top crust . We put it in the oven and eagerly awaited for it to be done . After about 40 minutes , the top was golden brown and tempting us with its aroma of cinnamon and sugar . We could hardly wait for my husband to get home so we could eat dinner and then have a slice . It was worth the wait . Kathy Okay , I haven 't written much the last couple of days . We have been thoroughly enjoying the glorious fall weather . We spent most of the weekend outside taking in the gold and crimson trees and the crsip air . I worked in the garden , replanting lilies that had patiently waited months for my attention . My son helped me dig and my 12 year old captured fall 's splendor with my camera . We went to an apple orchard / cider mill and bought a few more cinnamon doughnuts than we really needed , but they were delicious with fresh cider . Sunday , we spent 3 hours hiking . We let our 6 year old son lead us through the trails . He loved glancing at the trail map and figuring out where we were . It was a little slow going , as he often stopped to pick up sticks or look at leaves . The girls busied themselves taking pictures of mushrooms . It was wonderful seeing them share the joy of being in the woods together . We arrived back at the car and my son said , " That was one of the best days ever ! " For the first time in my life , I went to get my hair colored in a salon . ( Yes , I realize that 's odd . ) I went with a good friend and we had fun . But we sat in the chair for 3 hours and it was beyond expensive ! I was thankful I had a gift card . That afternoon , I wore my hair down to work , which I never do , and I got a lot of compliments . Really , though , my hair didn 't look all that different except a slight tint of red in the brown . The real test was going to be whether my husband noticed when he returned from his business trip . He got home and the kids all ran to him like a football line intent on tackling him . We formed a giant group hug . We asked him how his trip went and then we all settled back into our normal routines . A few hours passed and the kids headed upstairs to get ready for bed . I couldn 't wait any longer , I had to ask . " Did you notice anything ? " He gave me a quizzical look . Yesterday was a long day . There was work and violin lesson , late meetings and another trip to the grocery store . We finally got home around 8 : 30 p . m . I had promised the kids I would make them spaghetti and meat sauce , so I started cooking the pasta . When the angel hair was delightfully al dente , I proceeded to the sink to drain it . My daughter , who was helping me cook , was talking to me and somehow as I was bringing the pasta over to the bowl , we bumped . In slow motion , I watched the noddles squirm out of the colander . I tried to catch them but they only swam to the floor faster . There on the floor in a steaming pile , sat our dinner . " Quick , Mom , get them . " I felt a little uneasy serving my kids noodles that had just been all over my not too clean kitchen floor . So we all stared at them for a moment . The kids wondered if I might lose it and decide we were all going to eat cereal instead . But I started laughing and reached for another noodle box . By the time dinner was done , I was exhausted . The kids started getting ready for bed and the phone rang . It was my 89 year old grandpa . He sounded tired too . " How ya doing Gramps ? " I asked . " Well , Tiger , ( he has called me Tiger ever since I can remember ) , I 'm awfully tired . It 's terrible I don 't seem to have much energy these days " , he said . " You know that pine tree out in the front yard , it got hit by lightening last year , so I chopped it down today and I hauled the wood in the wheelbarrow to the back . Then I started making a raised planting bed in its place . You should see it . I think it will look real nice . " He said , excited now about his future planting space . " I know but I used to be able to do so much more " , he sighed . Then I remembered him telling me how he hand dug the foundation for his house with a shovel back in 1946 . He spent 3 weeks digging , every night after work . Finally , he had a large enough area to build a house with his own hands for his young family . All of a sudden I didn 't feel like my day had been all that long . Kathy On Monday my son , who is in first grade , learned about Columbus Day . They did an activity at school showing the kinds of foods Columbus brought with him on his ship for the long journey across the ocean . Then he was supposed to draw the items that he would bring . I was a little unsure as to what they were so I asked him . He pointed to the pictures and said , " I would pack strawberry milk , Cheese - its , edamame ( soybeans ) , and lollipops . " I looked at the pictures and now I could see all those items . He was very proud of his work . I chuckled . " Great job , I love your drawings " , I said as I thought about how all my advice on choosing healthy foods must be only partly sinking in . I took the kids to the grocery store . I had a list . We were going to run in , get the 5 items on the list and get home . It didn 't quite turn out that way . The fruit and veggie aisle didn 't cause much trouble . My son , who 's 6 , asked for watermelon and I couldn 't turn him down seeing that it was watermelon . We got the milk and yogurt , and then turned into the other aisles . First thing I hear , " OOH Mom , look at this . Doesn 't it look soooo yummy ? " my son asked pointing to some chocolate covered boxed doughnuts . " Oh yes but that isn 't very good for you . " I replied trying to quickly move away from that area . At least my son was in the cart today so I could steer him away . Then I heard my 12 year old saying , " Mom we should get this for our lunches it looks quick and easy . " I took the frozen package from her and glanced at the ingredients . It was longer than my " To Do " list . Most of them I couldn 't even pronounce . I try to stick to the rule that we don 't eat things from the chemistry lab . So I said , " No not that . " Then we went down the cereal aisle . I should have known this was a mistake but I needed more oatmeal . This time all three of them started talking at once . " Can we have this one , no this one , no this one . " " You guys , you know these are filled with high fructose corn syrup . We can 't have that . " I replied exasperated . My 14 year old then wandered to the ice cream section . There she was looking at all the different kinds . " Mom , Dad said he really wanted ice cream . I think we should get this chocolate one for him . " She said with a sly smile . " Oh fine we 'll get ice cream . " I said . I couldn 't wait to get out of the store . We made it home and as the kids and I unpacked the groceries , I realized that I had forgotten two of the items on my list . Great , I thought . I have to go back to the store tomorrow . But after dinner we all enjoyed a big bowl of ice cream . Usually I go through a day adding more items to my " To do " list than I manage to cross off . By the end of the week it looks like a book . Sometimes I wonder if a list even helps or if it just showcases my procrastination . Yesterday , however , I managed to cross off 6 of the tasks on my list ! I don 't know how it happened . . . maybe the stars were aligned for productivity . Whatever it was , I didn 't think about all the reasons why I couldn 't do something , I just did it . It didn 't even take all that long to accomplish each item . I ended the day feeling great and I wasn 't any more exhausted than normal . I think I was even energized by the feeling of accomplishment . If only I could repeat this daily , maybe my list would disappear . But then I guess adding to the list is the only way to keep moving forward . I don 't really want to come to the end , I just want tasks crossed off sooner . I 'll take it one day at a time and hope that today I can continue doing instead of making up excuses . Today was my daughter Alyssa 's 12th birthday . She wanted a carrot cake . I told my son we had to make a cake for her and he asked , " Why don 't you just buy one ? " Good point , I thought , but for some reason I wanted to bake it for her . I had never made a carrot cake before so I found what seemed like a good recipe online . I don 't have a food processor so I started shredding the carrots by hand on a box shredder . The first one went fast . By the time I got to the 5th carrot , my arms were getting tired and I tried to remember why I didn 't go buy a cake . It would have been so much easier ! Then the aroma of whipped butter , sugar and vanilla wafted through my kitchen . I added the carrots and the batter transformed into a beautifully orange fluffy concoction . As it baked the kids all gathered around the oven to see how it was progressing . After about 25 minutes it was a wonderful golden brown color . I whipped the cream cheese and powdered sugar frosting while the cake cooled . Getting the cake out of the pan was definitely a challenge . First it got stuck , then it sort of came out in large chunks . But I pieced it together and smothered it with frosting before anyone could see the damage . I brought out the cake . Alyssa 's eyes widened and she smiled her beautiful smile . " It looks delicious , Mom . " she said . We sang " Happy Birthday " , she made her wish , and blew out her candles . I don 't know what she wished for , but my wish had just come true . Yes , it would have been easier to buy her a cake , but all the hard work of shredding carrots was well worth the satisfaction of knowing I had created something special for her . " Mom , this is amazing ! " she said , taking her first bite . Kathy Posted by Late as usual , I rushed the kids out of the minivan and into their piano lesson . I locked the door and as I was closing it I got a funny feeling , " Don 't close the door , don 't close the door " , but my actions were too fast for my hurried brain to stop what it was doing . As soon as the door was closed , my brain caught up to what was happening . " Arrggghhh ! I think I just locked the keys in the car ! Great ! " I muttered to myself . The kids had already gone into their lesson . I walked into the lesson frazzled . I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment . " I just locked my keys in the car " , I announced . Luckily the piano teacher just said , " Oh no , don 't worry you can use my phone and call the police . I think they can open it for you . " She looked up the number for the local police department and handed me her phone . I was afraid it might mess up the rest of her day , if we had to hang out at her house and wait for the police . I knew she had more students coming . But she showed no annoyance only sympathy for how I must be feeling . She simply continued the lesson with my daughter , while I sat waiting , hoping the police could open it . I don 't know how he arrived so quickly , but it must have been no more than 5 minutes and the policeman showed up . It took him less than 3 minutes to open my door , and there on the floor between the front seats , laid my keys . I had put them there to hand the piano books to my daughter . I thanked him profusely , but I got the feeling that I wasn 't the first frazzled person he had unlocked a door for . I went back into the piano lesson which was just wrapping up . I thanked the teacher for helping out and we left on time . As we piled into the van , heading for a school concert , I started laughing and soon the kids joined in . I couldn 't believe that so much had gone wrong and yet we were still on time , because the piano teacher had helped me fix the problem instead of dwelling on what was wrong . Life is too short to dwell on the negatives , I thought . Even the Mayo Clinic agrees . On their website a " One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations , which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body . " I was extremely lucky in the parent lottery . Lots of kids have good parents , lots have bad parents , but not too many have great parents . Mine were ( and still are ) great ! I 'm not saying they were perfect , but honestly , I wouldn 't change much about them . Now as an adult , I am thankful for the daily inspiration they provide me . My mom wouldn 't like me divulging her age , but let me just say that I am 38 and they are about 30 years older than me . They haven 't slowed down one bit since becoming grandparents 14 years ago . My mom is still passing figure skating tests , coaching , water skiing , and regularly wearing all her grandchildren out . I hardly ever see her sitting still . When my dad isn 't reading a good book , he is playing goalie ( hockey ) , water skiing , or helping me dig numerous holes in my rock hard garden . Neither Mom nor Dad has ever taken age into consideration . They just keep on playing as hard as they can . They never complain of the aches and pains they must be feeling from all this activity . So on those mornings when my body creaks , cracks and aches , I think of my parents and I remind myself that yes I 'm not 20 anymore but that 's ok . You 'll still find me on the ice when I 'm 80 . |
We just carved our pumpkin , yes I know a little late , but my son didn 't care . He told me how he is going to teach his kids to carve pumpkins when he is a dad . Then , he really wanted to dig into all the candy that I was pouring in the bowl to hand out . I told him he had to wait until he gets his own . ( I don 't quite understand why we make our kids walk around in the cold spooky night when we have a huge bowlful , at home . ) But I know my son and I will have fun walking around in the cold together . Kathy p . s . I just wanted to say how proud I am of all my students . Not all of them passed their tests , but I was very proud of the way everyone skated ! Today is testing day for many of my skaters . Passing tests is the only way a skater moves to a new level . It 's nerve racking . Three judges sit at the side of the rink and zero in on every mistake like a hungry eagle hunting mice . If the skater performs the particular set of skills well , they receive a " Pass " . If not , the dreaded " Retry " . If I have done my job correctly , all the skater has to do is stay calm , hopefully the skating just flows . Unfortunately , this is not an easy task . Some skaters attach so much to passing the test that they " lose their legs " out on the ice . They wobble , they forget their patterns , . . . . . . they fall . But skating is all about handling pressure . As their coach all I ask is that they do their best and get back up if they fall . There is always another test . In order to effectively do my job , I have to demonstrate certain techniques on the ice . Because I 'm quickly approaching the big 40 , I have to make sure I stretch regularly to prevent injury . When I was younger , there were many times in the day that I set aside for stretching . Now , it is much more difficult . I managed , however , to find the perfect time . My husband thinks I 'm totally crazy ( which I probably am ) , but I do it while I 'm brushing my teeth . I have one of those electric toothbrushes that beeps when you 're supposed to switch sides . I hate just standing there waiting , so while the toothbrush scrubs my molars , I put one leg up on the sink and stretch . When I hear the beep , it 's time to switch sides . It only adds up to 2 minutes of stretching , but once I have started it 's hard to stop . Usually , I continue for another 10 minutes , then I 'm relaxed and ready to go to sleep . I only wish I could read my book at the same time . Oh well . Kathy My son , who 's 6 , is home sick today with a fever and a cough . I never like it when my kids are sick , but I have to admit I like it when they are home . I wanted to make him a light breakfast that would help his throat feel better . He asked for miso soup , ginger tea , and Jello . Luckily , I had all the ingredients on hand because my wonderful mother - in - law keeps my pantry stocked with the staples of Japanese cuisine . After breakfast , I told him he should lay down and rest . He wanted to put in a movie . I didn 't want it to distract my daughters from their schooling ( I homeschool them ) . He decided to watch a production of the Metropolitan Opera performing Mozart 's Magic Flute . He likes the dragon in it . So while I 'm writing and the girls are studying , he is laying on the couch listening to the Queen of the Night 's transcendental arias . Last summer my 13 year old daughter had the exciting opportunity to take classes at Northwestern University . She had never been on her own before . Though she is a responsible kid , I was nervous to think that she would be 5 hours away from us for 3 weeks ! I was going to miss her terribly . She was still so young , at least in my mind . She and my husband , however had confidence that she would be fine . She filled up the van with more than 3 weeks worth of clothing . We stuffed ourselves in and drove her from Ohio to the Chicago area . As we approached the University , her stomach began to tighten into knots . We arrived at the dorm where she would be staying . We had to practically pull her to the different check - in lines . It was like her brain had shut down as she waited for us to figure things out for her . Finally , my husband decided that if she was going to make this work , she had to start being independent now . So we sat on a bench in the lobby and we told her to go figure things out . She kind of wandered around , shyly asking a few people questions . She came back and reported half an answer . My husband gave her his quizzical look meaning , " What , are you sure that makes sense ? " She would return to the line to ask a follow up question . Eventually , we met her roommate and unpacked all her things . It was now time to leave . I told myself that I couldn 't cry because it would make her upset . She and I were both fine until my son gave her a good bye hug and refused to let go . He looked like a monkey clinging to his tree for dear life . " We can 't leave her ! " He said . Now three of us were crying . We pried his fingers from her and got back into the van for a long quiet ride back to Ohio . 3 weeks without my first child did not fly by , but soon we were all happily climbing back in the van to pick her up . When we arrived back on campus , we were supposed to wait for her at the dorm . But we wanted to see her as soon as possible , so we walked to her class building and waited outside . When she came out of class , my son was the first to run up and jump into her arms . Back at her room , we packed up all her things . This time , she quickly and efficiently found out exactly how to check out and return her keys . She had gained a new confidence in herself . It was great to see . I 'm definitely not looking forward to the day she goes off to college for 4 years , but I can 't wait to see what she becomes when she is finished . I have a friend at work who is trying to improve his diet . He knows that I 'm kind of a health food nut , so he asked me if I had any suggestions . He already knew that he should be eating mostly fruits and veggies , but it was hard for him to come up with interesting ways to eat them . I love yogurt and I 'm a firm believer that ever since I started ingesting massive quantities , I 've been a lot healthier . I suggested he add more yogurt to his meals , but I wasn 't convinced that he would . I decided to bring him a sample dish to show him how yummy yogurt could be . I brought in a large plastic container of my Yogurt Apple Salad , a spoon , and a bowl . He gobbled up his bowlful and said he would rather have that than dessert . Yeah ! I left him the rest of the container . I was thrilled that he enjoyed it . I know that my salad alone won 't make the world healthier place , but I was happy to have given him a healthy and tasty option . The next day I came in to work and he had finished the last spoonfuls , told everyone else about it , and asked for the recipe ! So here it is : Simply mix the apples , grapes , and nuts ( if using ) in a bowl . Mix in the yogurt to thoroughly cover all the ingredients . Add the cinnamon and honey . Mix and serve and enjoy ! Store refrigerated . Kathy My son has grown up with music . My girls have played the piano and violin since before he was born . It was only natural that he would want to start playing himself instead of merely watching their lessons . This year , as he turned 6 , he decided he wanted to try piano . The first few trial lessons went very well . He seemed to catch on quickly and the teacher suggested he have his own 1 / 2 hour lesson . This last week however , we hit a major bump in the musical road . He was told by his teacher that he needed to practice his 4 songs 6 times every day . We sat down to practice one night and he asked me how many total songs that meant . When I told him 24 , I thought he was going to run out of the room . He did however sit on the bench and begin to play , but not the songs he was supposed to practice . He wanted to make up his own songs . I sat behind him and let him play his own composition until I felt he might not stop on his own . We turned to his song and we started to review the notes . ( I 'm far from a musician myself but I know enough of the basics to guide him . ) He read the first three notes keeping the time as he spoke . The fourth note he said incorrectly and he knew it before I even said anything , so he started over . This time he made it to the 6th note , so he started over . Now he reached the end of the first line . . . . and he started over . By this time his short fuse was about to ignite and he hadn 't even played the song yet . He felt he had to be perfect and if he wasn 't he had to start over . I told him he should keep going but he refused . After about 20 minutes of this , I was able to get him to begin playing . Unfortunately , we went through the same routine . I quickly decided that our practice session of 24 songs was going to have to be trimmed down to maybe 1 . I finally told him that as soon as he made it through the whole song ( which was only 2 lines ) , we could get ready for bed . Despite how much he wanted to be done practicing , he continued to start over at the slightest mistake in note or tempo . I wasn 't even pointing out the errors , he did it all himself and I just sat there behind him . I honestly had no idea what to do . But I felt that if I let him give up and go to bed it would set a bad precedent . So we continued to sit at the piano , both of us now exhausted . After about an hour of this he finally finished the whole song and it was almost perfect , he made one tiny error on the last note . But I quickly said , " Okay you 're done . Great job ! " He sat on my lap on the couch and Kathy Posted by I was excited to hang my new bird feeder . I found the perfect place for it . I could see it from the kitchen window or the the patio door . Soon my feathered friends appeared and happily feasted on the seed mix . I had woodpeckers , tufted titmouse , cardinals , chickadees , goldfinch and the occasional Eastern Mountain bluebird . The kids were so intrigued by all the different species that we borrowed a bird book from the library . Then the squirrels came . At first , it was funny to see how the they jumped from the deck rail to the feeder , or how they hung upside down from the tree managing to get only a few seeds before twisting and plopping to the ground . Soon , however , the squirrels taught themselves how to bat at the feeder to knock the seeds onto the ground , where they could gobble them all up in minutes . One even figured out how to hang upside down , stretch out , pull the feeder up with his tiny paws and stick his nose into the seed tube . Of course all this squirrelly activity frightened the birds . I kept refilling the feeder naively thinking that eventually the squirrels would have their fill . Who was I kidding , even I don 't turn down free food when I 'm full ! This went on for a while until they had eaten the plastic tubing as well and the feeder didn 't even hold seeds anymore . Now it was war . I bought a suet feeder . They can 't knock the seeds out and the wire cage prevents their pesky little noses from getting in . It was peaceful again , and the birds returned . I had won ! I had outsmarted those little tree rodents . I woke up the next morning eager to see my birdy neighbors . I looked out the window and all the suet was gone ! Maybe the squirrels are smarter than me after all . " The hardest part is the writing " , people said about making a blog . I kept putting it off , feeling I should read Computers for Dummies , first . Then , my daughter started one . Even though she has taught me all I know about cellphones and Facebook , I figured , if she could do it so could I . I decided it was time to try . The set up wasn 't hard , until I had to insert some code onto my site . I read over the directions . I read them again . I couldn 't figure out what they meant . It was like I was trying to read Chinese . I kept trying all sorts of things , but nothing worked . My older brother , who designs software , could have done the task in two minutes . I sat staring at those words for three days . It haunted me in my sleep . I searched the internet . Every search resulted in the same foreign words . I was about to give up and email my brother , when I happened across a slightly different explanation , one with real words not written for a computer to read . It worked ! " I figured it out ! " I yelled . I jumped up from the computer and pumped my fists to the sky like I had just scored the winning goal of the Stanley Cup . My brother will be so proud ! I thought . The kids were just happy that now I could leave the computer for awhile . My girls and I had a great time making apple pie together . They helped me peel the apples , mix the filling , make the crust and roll it out . Usually , when I make a pie , they aren 't all that interested in helping . They might add a few ingredients and then get distracted by something more interesting . But this time , I loved it that they seemed to want to learn how to make a pie and to spend time with me . I felt so honored that my teenager and almost teen wanted to spend their day that way . Even my son helped out with decorating the top crust . We put it in the oven and eagerly awaited for it to be done . After about 40 minutes , the top was golden brown and tempting us with its aroma of cinnamon and sugar . We could hardly wait for my husband to get home so we could eat dinner and then have a slice . It was worth the wait . Kathy Okay , I haven 't written much the last couple of days . We have been thoroughly enjoying the glorious fall weather . We spent most of the weekend outside taking in the gold and crimson trees and the crsip air . I worked in the garden , replanting lilies that had patiently waited months for my attention . My son helped me dig and my 12 year old captured fall 's splendor with my camera . We went to an apple orchard / cider mill and bought a few more cinnamon doughnuts than we really needed , but they were delicious with fresh cider . Sunday , we spent 3 hours hiking . We let our 6 year old son lead us through the trails . He loved glancing at the trail map and figuring out where we were . It was a little slow going , as he often stopped to pick up sticks or look at leaves . The girls busied themselves taking pictures of mushrooms . It was wonderful seeing them share the joy of being in the woods together . We arrived back at the car and my son said , " That was one of the best days ever ! " For the first time in my life , I went to get my hair colored in a salon . ( Yes , I realize that 's odd . ) I went with a good friend and we had fun . But we sat in the chair for 3 hours and it was beyond expensive ! I was thankful I had a gift card . That afternoon , I wore my hair down to work , which I never do , and I got a lot of compliments . Really , though , my hair didn 't look all that different except a slight tint of red in the brown . The real test was going to be whether my husband noticed when he returned from his business trip . He got home and the kids all ran to him like a football line intent on tackling him . We formed a giant group hug . We asked him how his trip went and then we all settled back into our normal routines . A few hours passed and the kids headed upstairs to get ready for bed . I couldn 't wait any longer , I had to ask . " Did you notice anything ? " He gave me a quizzical look . Yesterday was a long day . There was work and violin lesson , late meetings and another trip to the grocery store . We finally got home around 8 : 30 p . m . I had promised the kids I would make them spaghetti and meat sauce , so I started cooking the pasta . When the angel hair was delightfully al dente , I proceeded to the sink to drain it . My daughter , who was helping me cook , was talking to me and somehow as I was bringing the pasta over to the bowl , we bumped . In slow motion , I watched the noddles squirm out of the colander . I tried to catch them but they only swam to the floor faster . There on the floor in a steaming pile , sat our dinner . " Quick , Mom , get them . " I felt a little uneasy serving my kids noodles that had just been all over my not too clean kitchen floor . So we all stared at them for a moment . The kids wondered if I might lose it and decide we were all going to eat cereal instead . But I started laughing and reached for another noodle box . By the time dinner was done , I was exhausted . The kids started getting ready for bed and the phone rang . It was my 89 year old grandpa . He sounded tired too . " How ya doing Gramps ? " I asked . " Well , Tiger , ( he has called me Tiger ever since I can remember ) , I 'm awfully tired . It 's terrible I don 't seem to have much energy these days " , he said . " You know that pine tree out in the front yard , it got hit by lightening last year , so I chopped it down today and I hauled the wood in the wheelbarrow to the back . Then I started making a raised planting bed in its place . You should see it . I think it will look real nice . " He said , excited now about his future planting space . " I know but I used to be able to do so much more " , he sighed . Then I remembered him telling me how he hand dug the foundation for his house with a shovel back in 1946 . He spent 3 weeks digging , every night after work . Finally , he had a large enough area to build a house with his own hands for his young family . All of a sudden I didn 't feel like my day had been all that long . Kathy On Monday my son , who is in first grade , learned about Columbus Day . They did an activity at school showing the kinds of foods Columbus brought with him on his ship for the long journey across the ocean . Then he was supposed to draw the items that he would bring . I was a little unsure as to what they were so I asked him . He pointed to the pictures and said , " I would pack strawberry milk , Cheese - its , edamame ( soybeans ) , and lollipops . " I looked at the pictures and now I could see all those items . He was very proud of his work . I chuckled . " Great job , I love your drawings " , I said as I thought about how all my advice on choosing healthy foods must be only partly sinking in . I took the kids to the grocery store . I had a list . We were going to run in , get the 5 items on the list and get home . It didn 't quite turn out that way . The fruit and veggie aisle didn 't cause much trouble . My son , who 's 6 , asked for watermelon and I couldn 't turn him down seeing that it was watermelon . We got the milk and yogurt , and then turned into the other aisles . First thing I hear , " OOH Mom , look at this . Doesn 't it look soooo yummy ? " my son asked pointing to some chocolate covered boxed doughnuts . " Oh yes but that isn 't very good for you . " I replied trying to quickly move away from that area . At least my son was in the cart today so I could steer him away . Then I heard my 12 year old saying , " Mom we should get this for our lunches it looks quick and easy . " I took the frozen package from her and glanced at the ingredients . It was longer than my " To Do " list . Most of them I couldn 't even pronounce . I try to stick to the rule that we don 't eat things from the chemistry lab . So I said , " No not that . " Then we went down the cereal aisle . I should have known this was a mistake but I needed more oatmeal . This time all three of them started talking at once . " Can we have this one , no this one , no this one . " " You guys , you know these are filled with high fructose corn syrup . We can 't have that . " I replied exasperated . My 14 year old then wandered to the ice cream section . There she was looking at all the different kinds . " Mom , Dad said he really wanted ice cream . I think we should get this chocolate one for him . " She said with a sly smile . " Oh fine we 'll get ice cream . " I said . I couldn 't wait to get out of the store . We made it home and as the kids and I unpacked the groceries , I realized that I had forgotten two of the items on my list . Great , I thought . I have to go back to the store tomorrow . But after dinner we all enjoyed a big bowl of ice cream . Usually I go through a day adding more items to my " To do " list than I manage to cross off . By the end of the week it looks like a book . Sometimes I wonder if a list even helps or if it just showcases my procrastination . Yesterday , however , I managed to cross off 6 of the tasks on my list ! I don 't know how it happened . . . maybe the stars were aligned for productivity . Whatever it was , I didn 't think about all the reasons why I couldn 't do something , I just did it . It didn 't even take all that long to accomplish each item . I ended the day feeling great and I wasn 't any more exhausted than normal . I think I was even energized by the feeling of accomplishment . If only I could repeat this daily , maybe my list would disappear . But then I guess adding to the list is the only way to keep moving forward . I don 't really want to come to the end , I just want tasks crossed off sooner . I 'll take it one day at a time and hope that today I can continue doing instead of making up excuses . Today was my daughter Alyssa 's 12th birthday . She wanted a carrot cake . I told my son we had to make a cake for her and he asked , " Why don 't you just buy one ? " Good point , I thought , but for some reason I wanted to bake it for her . I had never made a carrot cake before so I found what seemed like a good recipe online . I don 't have a food processor so I started shredding the carrots by hand on a box shredder . The first one went fast . By the time I got to the 5th carrot , my arms were getting tired and I tried to remember why I didn 't go buy a cake . It would have been so much easier ! Then the aroma of whipped butter , sugar and vanilla wafted through my kitchen . I added the carrots and the batter transformed into a beautifully orange fluffy concoction . As it baked the kids all gathered around the oven to see how it was progressing . After about 25 minutes it was a wonderful golden brown color . I whipped the cream cheese and powdered sugar frosting while the cake cooled . Getting the cake out of the pan was definitely a challenge . First it got stuck , then it sort of came out in large chunks . But I pieced it together and smothered it with frosting before anyone could see the damage . I brought out the cake . Alyssa 's eyes widened and she smiled her beautiful smile . " It looks delicious , Mom . " she said . We sang " Happy Birthday " , she made her wish , and blew out her candles . I don 't know what she wished for , but my wish had just come true . Yes , it would have been easier to buy her a cake , but all the hard work of shredding carrots was well worth the satisfaction of knowing I had created something special for her . " Mom , this is amazing ! " she said , taking her first bite . Kathy Posted by Late as usual , I rushed the kids out of the minivan and into their piano lesson . I locked the door and as I was closing it I got a funny feeling , " Don 't close the door , don 't close the door " , but my actions were too fast for my hurried brain to stop what it was doing . As soon as the door was closed , my brain caught up to what was happening . " Arrggghhh ! I think I just locked the keys in the car ! Great ! " I muttered to myself . The kids had already gone into their lesson . I walked into the lesson frazzled . I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment . " I just locked my keys in the car " , I announced . Luckily the piano teacher just said , " Oh no , don 't worry you can use my phone and call the police . I think they can open it for you . " She looked up the number for the local police department and handed me her phone . I was afraid it might mess up the rest of her day , if we had to hang out at her house and wait for the police . I knew she had more students coming . But she showed no annoyance only sympathy for how I must be feeling . She simply continued the lesson with my daughter , while I sat waiting , hoping the police could open it . I don 't know how he arrived so quickly , but it must have been no more than 5 minutes and the policeman showed up . It took him less than 3 minutes to open my door , and there on the floor between the front seats , laid my keys . I had put them there to hand the piano books to my daughter . I thanked him profusely , but I got the feeling that I wasn 't the first frazzled person he had unlocked a door for . I went back into the piano lesson which was just wrapping up . I thanked the teacher for helping out and we left on time . As we piled into the van , heading for a school concert , I started laughing and soon the kids joined in . I couldn 't believe that so much had gone wrong and yet we were still on time , because the piano teacher had helped me fix the problem instead of dwelling on what was wrong . Life is too short to dwell on the negatives , I thought . Even the Mayo Clinic agrees . On their website a " One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations , which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body . " I was extremely lucky in the parent lottery . Lots of kids have good parents , lots have bad parents , but not too many have great parents . Mine were ( and still are ) great ! I 'm not saying they were perfect , but honestly , I wouldn 't change much about them . Now as an adult , I am thankful for the daily inspiration they provide me . My mom wouldn 't like me divulging her age , but let me just say that I am 38 and they are about 30 years older than me . They haven 't slowed down one bit since becoming grandparents 14 years ago . My mom is still passing figure skating tests , coaching , water skiing , and regularly wearing all her grandchildren out . I hardly ever see her sitting still . When my dad isn 't reading a good book , he is playing goalie ( hockey ) , water skiing , or helping me dig numerous holes in my rock hard garden . Neither Mom nor Dad has ever taken age into consideration . They just keep on playing as hard as they can . They never complain of the aches and pains they must be feeling from all this activity . So on those mornings when my body creaks , cracks and aches , I think of my parents and I remind myself that yes I 'm not 20 anymore but that 's ok . You 'll still find me on the ice when I 'm 80 . |
PDF MP3 low MP3 HQ Life Story E - 1 Thank you . Good evening , friends . Very happy to be here this afternoon . And this is one time we have to get together to keep from freezing , isn 't it ? Well , I 've often heard that the ill - wind blows no one some good . But they said they had a - - some kind of a ball game over at the other place , and that 's - - that 's kind of knocked us out a little . I 'm sorry , sister . I 've got a big hat here you can hang up there if you want to . But it 's the - - the - - the sun 's back and forth , and I think you all are very loyal and very nice to come out in a real cold afternoon , and set here for this occasion , to just hear the experience of - - of a life story . And I pray that God will just abundantly bless you for these efforts , and of you coming in for this afternoon . E - 2 And I 'm sorry that . . . You know , we . . . These lot of things are , they come when we don 't know when they 're coming , and that 's the way all of life is , isn 't it ? And we . . . You know , we don 't enjoy the ups ' less we have the downs . Is that right ? Did you realize we wouldn 't have any mountains if we didn 't have any valleys ? You wouldn 't appreciate the sunshine if there wasn 't any night . Is that right ? And a person sometimes , very , very good health , maybe they don 't know how to appreciate , ' less they had a real sick spell sometime , and almost died , and then they - - they can appreciate your good health . So you have to have . . . It 's a . . . What is it called ? It 's the law of contrast , I believe . E - 3 I doubt whether you can hear this very much , ' cause it 's just backing right up this a way . Can you hear all right out there ? If you can , back in towards the back , raise up your hands . It 's - - it 's kind of a mumble , or . . . Is that better ? Is it better if I get back a little piece from it ? Can 't hear it . . . ? . . . Now , let 's see . Who 's on the business end ? All right . That 's - - that 's . . . Now , can you hear that better ? How many can hear back towards the back ? Would you raise your hand ? They can 't hear a thing back there . All right . Step it up just a little bit . Can you hear that now ? Now they 're getting that . Now that 's - - that 's just better . E - 4 Well friends , I won 't - - I won 't keep you but just a little while , just as quick as I can get through . It 's a life story . No one hardly , especially , has had a life like I have , enjoys telling about it . But in doing so , it sometimes , it causes those who are having traveled these rugged roads yet , maybe they see the jumping off places , and helps them to bypass a lot of rugged places . And now , I - - I trust that you will be at the service tonight . I don 't know whenever I 've tried my best to put , to do the best that I knowed how in the services . This is really one of my first campaigns in Kentucky , my home state , and I wanted it to be a success for God 's glory so very bad . Of course , I can expect Satan to give me just as rough the way at it as he can do it . But I know I have thousands of friends throughout Kentucky , God 's people . E - 5 And I was talking awhile ago to some friends , and telling them that there was some . . . Told me about how that the Holy Spirit had talked to a woman , and how that He had told her different things . And what was . . . Said , didn 't know how that I would understand that . And I told her , " It was . . . Wasn 't me . I just see it happen in front of me , and I just speak what I see . That 's all I know what to say , is just what I can see . " And I believe that we 're just now living in the one of the most glorious times that mortals ever lived . I believe we 're near the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ . And I just so happy to be alive today to speak of Him to the people . And now , are you hearing any better , any - - anywhere ? Can you hear back over in this corner ? I notice many people even going out , that they seem like they look at one another , and shake their heads and just get up and go out . They can 't hear . Bear with me just a little while , if you will . E - 7 ( Thank you . ) Can we bow our heads just a moment now ? Our Heavenly Father , we thank Thee for the privilege of being gathered here in the building today , and for living in a nation where freedom of religion , and we can have a right to speak , and to talk , and to congregate together . And as the poet said , " Long may our lands be bright , with freedoms holy light . Protect us by Thy might , great God , our King . " E - 8 And today , as we 're going to take a little visit , if it be Thy will , down the lane , backing up , where we used to trod years ago , we pray that You 'll be with us , and help us . And may many here that 's aliened away from home , strange country , I pray , God , that You 'll let them draw nigh unto Thee . For we know that we are pilgrims and strangers in this world . We 're seeking a city to come whose Builder and Maker is God . Bless everyone . May something miraculously take place today , because that these poor people has made an effort to come out , and to set in this cold room , under this difficult , just to gather for the Gospel 's sake . We pray that You 'll grant these things , in Jesus ' Name . Amen . E - 9 Let us , today , as . . . And I will hurry and watch my watch . It 's . . . Life is - - hasn 't been a flower bed of ease for me , Christian friends . It 's been one toil and tussle after another . To go into it in the right way , and tell of what God has done would take hours , so you just have to kind of cut it up in a few moments , so that you won 't get too cold , as we 're trying this afternoon . But there 's no one here but what likes to think of childhood . Isn 't that right ? Most of my audience this afternoon are at least middle - aged people , few young folks . But no matter wherever you roam , you 'll never find no place like home , no matter where it is . Many of you elderly people here this afternoon , gray - hair , if you could just close your eyes and take a little mental trip back down that old path that you used to walk when you was a child , and think of the old garden gate , and many things , a mother that 's gone on long years ago , an old dad , it - - it brings back something that we cherish as a picture in our heart ; but nothing can take it out of there . How many of you can remember an old home place this afternoon ? Let 's see your hands . Just looky . How many of you are away from home , away from your home place ? Let 's see your hands . Just look . E - 10 There 's something about childhood , and the adolescent age , that there 's nothing else through life will ever take its place . Remember the old . . . How our mothers used to catch us , and dad when we 'd do wrong , give us a little spanking ? Oh , that was horrible . But you know , many of you this afternoon , along with myself , I would just give anything that I could think of if my daddy was on this earth to give me a spanking . He can 't be no more though ; my father has gone on , and many of you the same way . There 's nothing like the childhood . I remember our first experience here , we were very , very poor . That 's the reason today that I , my choice . . . And I - - I say this with reverence . My choice is to be a poor man . I could 've been a multi - millionaire if I had wanted to be . One person brought me a check , FBI agent , for a million , five hundred thousand dollars , a bank draft , and I refused to look at it from the Mission Bell Winery in California . A woman was healed , been to St . Louis , and both breasts taken off , and she was . . . Cancer went through her , and a doctor was converted on the case , Dr . Theodore Palvias , which is preaching the Gospel this afternoon in Oakland , California . And how the Lord spoke to the woman , told her on three days she 'd be shopping in the street . Told her daughter she was unconscious . The doctor said , " The very idea , Reverend Branham , you build somebody up on a false hope like that , and that woman laying there dying . " E - 11 I said , " I 'm in position to stay here . If that woman isn 't walking of the street well in three days , I 'll put a sign on my back as false prophet , and you just run me around over town in front of your car . And then if she isn 't , I 'll do that . And if she is , let me put one on your back and go . " The doctor was converted , preaching the Gospel today . One of the best surgeons on the west coast , people even flew from New York to be operated by him . And they sent me a - - a million , five hundred thousands in a bank draft ; two agents brought it , me living in a two room shanty at the time . But it isn 't money what makes happiness , it . . . E - 12 Here sometime ago , Mr . Aviack , over in the same country , was given a great , big , nice Cadillac . I appreciate that . Any man that can ride in one , I appreciate it . And at that time , I had an old Chevrolet , old truck , all beat up , ' bout eight , ten years old . And some of those wealthy , fine Armenian people said , " Brother Branham , we gave Aviack a Cadillac . We got one for you . " Said , " Well , we 'll give it to you . We 'll give you a Packard , or whatever you want . " Said , " That old truck , you beating around in it . . . " I said , " If I got what I deserved , I 'd walk . " And that 's true . But how could I come down through Arkansas , where some of my meetings are held among the poorest of people , a little old mother out there pulling a cotton sack , half dead with female trouble or something , eating jowl bacon , and corn bread for breakfast , putting a dollar in the offering at night , and me come along down through there in a big , nice Cadillac . . . " There goes Brother Branham . " I - - I - - I couldn 't do that . No , no , I - - I - - I don 't . . . I 'd rather have favor with God than to have anything that I know of in the world . And if I got favor with God , I can serve His people . E - 13 I 've always been a black sheep in my family . And I was always in my church a black sheep . And it 's just recently that I have begin to come into a group of people that love me . And to that group of people , I aim to give my life in service . And I - - I love them , and they love me . And all my life , I 've been in the - - a person that wanted somebody to think something of me . Sorry to say , but my family wasn 't religious . My father was just a typical Kentucky boy up here , drank up every penny he had . And I - - I hate to say those things , but what is truth is the truth , no matter if it hurts , or whether it doesn 't . If it 's dark , and it 's on me , why , it 's just on me . It 's the truth . And you be truthful and honest with God . God will bless you for it . And although my daddy did drink , and drinking 's what killed him , but no matter what he did , he 's still my daddy . And out there on his grave today , where the white snow lays , he 's still my daddy . E - 14 They got such a word today , they say , " The old man and the old woman . " One of these days , when a squeaking casket is going out the door , and they 're going out head first , and you look down to see your mother or dad at the last time you 'll ever see them on this earth , you 'll realize it 's not the " old man and old woman " then . " Honour thy father and mother , which may lengthen the days on the earth the Lord giveth you . " That 's the first commandment with promise : obeying . I seen dad work . We lived in a little cabin up on the Utica Pike , where we moved to from Kentucky to Indiana , right on the River Road . I seen him work in the log woods for seventy - five cents a day to make a living for me , when I was too young , four or five , six years old , till his shirt would sunburn into his back . I 've seen my mother cut the shirt from his back with a pair of scissors . I don 't care what he done ; he 's my daddy . And I love him . E - 15 He died on my arm , his black , wavy arm laying across my arm , and his little Irish blue eyes looking up at me . Seen a white Angel standing before him ; I led him to Christ just before he died . He was my dad , and he had a great respect for me . The last drink he ever taken in his life , he was standing in a little old saloon down there , wasn 't two weeks before he died . He started to . . . Somebody was treating him . It was during the time of depression ; he was broke . They give him some drink , and he started to take it up in his hands , and he started spilling it . He tried to drink it , and it went all over his face . And they started teasing him . Before he took it , he said , " Look , fellows , " said , " I got a boy standing up there in the pulpit . That boy 's right , and I 'm wrong . " He said , " Don 't let this reflect on my boy . " Said , " This is the last drop I 'll ever take in all my life . " And it was . E - 16 So I honor him today as my dad . It 's hard work . I remember when we went to school . I 'm firmly against drinking . I remember reading of a man that was borned a hundred miles from me , a hundred years difference , in a little log cabin . His name was Abraham Lincoln , one of the greatest men Kentucky ever produced , to my opinion . And Abraham Lincoln , when he got off of the boat down in New Orleans , he seen them auction some colored people off as a slave , a big heavy man . His little , poor little wife and children standing out , crying ; breed him , like cattle , to bigger , heavier women to make better slaves . Lincoln , as many of you know in the history , when he folded his hands and smacked them together and said , " That 's wrong . And by the help of God , if it takes my life , I 'll hit it with all I got . " And he did . E - 17 Here sometime ago , I was standing in a museum , and when he had to cross the river , in Illinois . . . I seen an old colored man with a little white rim of hair around his head , looking around , watching for something . He looked into a little box , and he stopped real quick and got back . It just looked like it just froze him . And the tears dropping of his cheeks , he raised up his eyes like that towards God , and he had a prayer . I just stood off , watched him for a little bit . I walked over to where he was at , and I said , " How do you do , uncle ? " He said , " But that spot on the corner is the blood of Abraham Lincoln . " He said , " I got a mark across here as a slave belt , and the blood of that man took a slave belt off of me . Wouldn 't that excite you ? " I stood there . I couldn 't answer him . I thought , " If a colored man , by taking a slave belt off of him , how much more ought a Christian to be excited of the Blood of Jesus Christ , that taken sin from his life and made him a new creature in Christ Jesus ? " Down his life went . E - 19 We had a hard time , very hard . I remember going to school with no clothes hardly . Went to school one year without even a - - a shirt . My dad was a good man , but it was drinking that ruined him . I put my coat up like this , buttoned it with a . . . Or , pinned it with a pin . A rich woman , Mrs . Watham had give me the coat . And I , knowing how it made us go without something to eat . . . It made us go without shoes , and I would never got an education , all because of drinking that drove my daddy to it , a habit . That 's the reason I 'm against it today , to fight it with everything I got . It 's wrong . And brethren or women , if you 're here , and do such , God have mercy , don 't do it no more . Don 't let it boss you . You boss it . And I remember going to school one day . . . This kinda sounds like a joke . Got summertime , and I didn 't have no - - no shirt to put on . I was still wearing this great , big , heavy coat . I had a pair of tennis shoes on , the toes out of them , wet all the time . It 's a wonder , if God hadn 't been with me , I 'd have had pneumonia and died . E - 20 So the teacher said . . . It was real warm . . . The trees , the maples was all blooming out like . And the teacher said , " Well . . . " I - - been . . . had just a little bit of fire in the old school room , one - - one room of school , and she just said , " William , why don 't you take that coat off ? " I couldn 't take that coat off . I didn 't have no shirt on . She said , " Well , you better come over here to the stove . " Said , " You got a cold . " And me just about to smoother anyhow , and she build up the fire and set me behind the stove . E - 21 I remember the shirt that I got . One of my cousins that come to stay with us , a girl about my age , and when she left , she left one of her skirts . I got to thinking one day , seeing it had short sleeves , why couldn 't I cut the . . . this bottom part off of it , and so far down , and make me a shirt out of it , her dress ? So I went and cut it off . And it had that little . . . What did you call that stuff around the sides , you know ? Rick - rack all over the side of it like this , you know . And that 's the wrong name . It ain 't rip - rat is it ? or - - or something on . . . Anyhow , it that stuff all over the sides of it , you know . So I went to school with this on , you know , and I felt just as fine and cool . The kiddies got to laughing at me , and I said , " Don 't laugh . That 's my Indian suit . " It was my cousins skirt . They laugh at me , and I got to crying , went home . E - 22 Many of you here can remember in the 1917 when they had the big snow . Oh , my . It was banked up here , one of the coldest winters we ever had . My mother was sewing for the government at the time . And I remember all the boys at school had sleds . They could slide down the hill . I didn 't have no sled , brother and I . So we got down at the old country dump and got a dish pan . It got a big sleet on top of the ground , we 'd set down and put our legs around one another and our arms around one another , and here we 'd go down the hill . We wasn 't as much class as the rest of them , but we were sliding just the same . So we - - we went right on down the hill with this old dish pan turning around , and around , and around . When we got to the bottom of the hill . . . That went all right until the bottom come out of it . The bottom come out , well , we got us a log , rode down on this log . I remember , there was a boy named Lloyd Ford . And it was during the time of the First World War . We was little lads , and he was selling this " Pathfinder Magazine . " How many remembers the old " Pathfinder Magazine " ? Well , he was selling this magazine , and he got to wear a boy scout suit . And he belonged to some kind of a scouts , or something like that . . . Scout suit for selling it , lone scouts , or something . Oh , everything that was . . . had to have a uniform on , and I always wanted to be a soldier . And I asked Lloyd ; I said , " Lloyd , when you wear that out , will you give it to me ? " I wore it around home , that one legging , and I thought it looked fine . I wanted to wear it to school , so I just stuffed it back in my coat . I was riding down on my log that day , and I act like I hurt my leg . I wanted to wear that legging before the kids ( You see ? ) , at school . I put this one legging on , so I said , " You know , I hurt my leg . I happened to think , I got one of my leggings here from my boy scout suit . " Put that one legging on , and here I went into school . I got up to work at the blackboard . You remember the old country school , and the blackboard ? I got up to work the problems ; I put both legs together like that , and this legging on the outside so they couldn 't see the other one . Stood sideways and worked like this , so they 'd see that one legging . Kids got to laughing at me , and teacher . . . I got to crying . The teacher made me go home . E - 24 I always wanted to be a soldier . When the second war come along , that war , I was too young , the next war they wouldn 't take me , but I finally got to join the army , the army of the soldiers of the cross . My uniform is not on the outside this afternoon ; it 's on the inside . God gave me a uniform that I wouldn 't trade for everything in world , the baptism of the Holy Spirit , dressed me up as a soldier from the inside , to give me grace to stand in the hours of trials . How well I remember that old country school , and us kids who 'd go down there on the Utica Pike to the old school . I remember the teacher had a great big pointer up in the end of the room , and that was the business end of the school . We certainly got what we needed when that good old country teacher would come up , and we 'd do anything wrong , she 'd really give it to us . I got my share . E - 25 So I remember one day , it was around Christmas time . . . How many remembers going and getting the old cedar tree , and pop popcorn and string up around the old Christmas tree ? Do you remember that ? Well , my , my . I 'm not the only country boy here , am I ? So they 'd string this old popcorn around the Christmas tree , and mom had some left over , so she give it to my brother and I , the one next to me , in a little half - a - gallon syrup bucket . And we 'd took it to school , and I 'd . . . We 'd set it out in the cloak room , and that was something rare . We couldn 't eat dinner with the rest of the kids . The rest of the kids , they get . . . Their mothers baked light bread and made sandwiches . But we 'd have a little half - a - gallon syrup bucket , and we 'd have a little jar of greens , and a little jar of beans , and two spoons , and two pieces of corn bread . That 's what we had , maybe . And we was ashamed to eat before the other children , ' cause they had cookies and things , and we just had a rough time . Hair hanging down our neck , great big old any kind of shoes we could wear , anything . Well , it was terrible , but I 'd like to live it over . I 'd just love to go back one more day . That 's true . E - 26 I remember , one day when the mama had baked , and got us this corn , and we set it in there . I - - I got to thinking about that corn . I thought , " You know , I believe I 'll get a handful before school . " That was dishonest with my brother . I held up my hand , and asked the teacher if I could be excused , and when I went out through the cloak room , I just got a great big handful of that popcorn , went out , stood behind the school house and eat it . Well , dinner time come , kids like , when we - - we . . . The rest of them all begin to go out in their rooms to eat , and we got our little bucket and went over on the hillside down towards the river , right on the banks of the river here , and we ope . . . ' Course , we had to eat the popcorn first . We never had anything like that around home , maybe once a year . So we opened up this bucket ; it was pretty near half gone . My brother said , " Say , something 's happened to that , hasn 't it ? " E - 27 You know , here not long ago I was coming from Texas , and I was . . . Been real tired in the meeting , and I was standing over on the side there , and wife went over and got the babies , they was picking some violets . And I was trying to rest my mind , and oh , my , those visions . . . You just don 't realize , people , what it does to you . And I - - I was standing there leaning across the fence like this , looking , and I remember how we used to line up there , little old boys , and holes in our socks . And look up across the hill , and remember when pop used to come across the field with a little old wagon and mule . Every Saturday night we 'd go to town , get the groceries for the week . And I thought about that handful of popcorn . You know , it 's best not to do nothing wrong , isn 't it ? It 'll come home to you sometime . E - 28 I stood there and begin to think , " Now , Edward 's gone . He 's been dead for years . Just as soon as he got any age on him , he was killed . " He died calling for me . I was working on a cattle ranch out west . And when . . . I stood there and begin to think about him . I thought , " I remember that handful of corn that I took out of that bucket . " And I thought , " I 'd give everything that I ever could own in this world , if I could go to him again and take him that handful of corn that I took . " I can 't do it . Here we have no continuing city . I remember the old house that used to set up there , big , log house , and how big the logs was in it , and we had a little old apple tree on the outside . There 's a piece of looking glass tacked up , a mirror on the win - - on the little bench built on the tree , and we 'd go out there and pop would come in and wash . He was about thirty years old , I guess , then he 'd wash his hands and things on the outside , come into the little old cabin to eat . And I remember how strong . I used to look . My daddy was a small man , but a great , big muscle . And I thought , " My , he will live forever , " such a strong man , and a wiry , real typical Irishman . And he was - - he was as wiry as he could be . And I thought , " Oh , how strong my daddy is . " E - 29 I just look at the old log house and see how tight she was put together ; I said , " My , that old house , it 'll be there when I - - my children are - - are old . " And you know what ? About twenty - five years , there 's a housing project there . The old spring I used to drink out of , filled up and gone . House is gone . Dad died at fifty - two years old . Here we have no continuing city . That 's right . But brother , sister , we 're pilgrims and strangers today , seeking one that has eternal foundations , whose Builder and Maker is God . I was very bashful as a kid . I remember trying to be a business man when I was a kid . How many ever got in the old wagon , or something or other , and put some quilts around you and throwed some straw in a bed and ride down town ? Let 's see . You go down to get the groceries . . . Oh , my . On Saturday , I remember we used to do that , and every time pop would pay the tremendous grocery bill , about two dollars and seventy - five cents , three dollars for a week , five kids . The grocery man was so pleased to get that big bill , why , he 'd give him a little sack of candy . And when they 'd bring that sack of candy out , old stick peppermints . You remember ? Say , it 's pretty good , isn 't it ? I used . . . That and salty crackers goes good for me yet . So they had that little sack full of candy and bring it out , and setting in this pile of hay out in that wagon was about five little pair of blue eyes looking for that candy , waited all week for it . If there wasn 't a stick around to go around to everyone of them , they had to break it up , just exactly equally to each one . I remember every one waiting for his part . And we 'd suck on it . We couldn 't eat it , go too quick , had to suck on it . E - 30 So , I remember I used to take mine and wrap it up in a piece of paper and put it in my pocket . And Monday come , I lived like a king . Mother 'd say , " William ? " " Yes , mama . " I 'd say , " Hey . " Called my brother Humpy , I 'd say , " Humpy , tell you what I 'll do , if you 'll go get that . . . " It was big old cedar buckets , you know , and a gourd dipper , and you . . . I said , " If you 'll go get that bucket of water , I 'll let you have five licks off of this piece of candy . " I 'd undo it and say , " Smell it . See , it 's good . " Salesmanship . . . Brother , I took it easy as long as that candy lasted . I really had it made when I had that piece of candy . He 'd go get it . I 'd be sure it was five licks alone ; no , six , five licks . Anything that had to be done , I 'd let him do it for me , the rest of them : businessman , with this stick of candy . E - 31 I thought of that when I was standing there thinking about when we used to line up . And perhaps today , I guess I could go buy a whole box of chocolate Hershey 's if I wanted to , but it 'd never taste like that good , old peppermint candy then . That was really good . I know it 's cold in here . We 'll hurry as quick as can . I love you , and some glorious day , maybe if not in this life , when we all cross over the river on the other side , I - - I 'll set down with you over there . We 'll talk it all over then . It won 't be cold there . No , we 'll set down by the evergreen tree . I want to tell you about me getting married . I . . . My father , making whiskey , and seeing people come there and getting the whiskey and drinking , and seeing the misbehavior of women , how young women would come there with other men , knowing it wasn 't their husbands , I swore I 'd never have nothing to do with a woman . I thought that was the littlest , lowest . . . And I haven 't changed my opinion ; it is . That 's right . Oh , my . I thought , " That 's horrible . " I said , " Me , I 'll be an old bachelor as long as I live . " E - 32 They 'd have little parties at the house , you know , and play these little old games about " hunt the buffalo , " or whatever it is , you know , the old , Kentucky dances they used to have . And have the fiddler stand on a box , and saw the fiddle , and they 'd all . . . Oh , I don 't know . Every kind . . . But me , I never stayed to one of them in my life . I had an old coon dog . Now , how many knows what that is ? You mean me standing in Kentucky , and only about five man knows what a coon dog is in Kentucky ? Say , is this Kentucky ? I don 't believe we 're far enough down yet . You 're too close to Indiana here . All right . An old dog , and I had an old twenty - two rifle , and there 's where I lived in the woods all my life nearly . I 'd go out , lay on top of the roof . Never went to a dance in my life . E - 33 When I was about seven years old , I was packing water one day . you 've heard that part of the story . Sorry to say , packing it to a moonshine still for my daddy , two little half - a - gallon molasses buckets . And as I went up the lane , it was in a September . The leaves had begin to turn kind of brown , and I set down under the tree and was setting there , crying because I couldn 't go fishing out to an old ice pond . All the other boys was gone out there to the ice pond . And while out setting there , just as still as it is in this room from the wind , I could hear something a blowing , like a " Whoosh . " I wondered , " Where was that ? " And I couldn 't see any leaves blowing . It sounded like leaves . And I squalled a few times . Had on a pair of overalls with a fodder twine across for a gallous , and a nail for a button , or for a button . I don 't know whether you ever used one or not . It makes a good one . And I had my . . . I stumped my toe , and I had a corn cob tied under it to keep from getting the dirt on it , you know , walking along with a corn cob tied under my toe . Oh , I was a picture . And I was squalling . I wanted to go out to fish and the rest of the boys , they was gone out there . I was setting there under the tree thinking , " Now , there daddies don 't do this . And why would I have to do this ? Pack this water to a moonshine still doing prohibition . " Daddy made thousands a gallon of it , died a pauper , hungry when he died . That doesn 't do you any good . Wrong will always pay wrong . E - 34 So I remember setting there and hearing those leaves a blowing , and I got up , and I couldn 't see them anywhere . And I squalled a couple times , and picked up my buckets , and started on up . We had several gallons to pack . They was going to run whiskey that night . And on the road up , I heard It again . I turned around , and about half - way up a big old cottonwood tree , silver poplar it 's called , It was , looked like a whirlwind . We call them little cyclones . They 're whirlwinds in Kentucky , I think is the best name . It 's whirling around in the bush . Well , I 'd noticed them things before . So , I . . . It didn 't leave . And out of there . . . Now , you can think whatever you want to , friends . I can only be honest with you . But out of there come an audible voice , and said , " Don 't never smoke , or drink , or defile your body in any way . There 'll be a work for you to do when you get older . " E - 35 Well , liked to scared me to death . I dropped both buckets , starting running , screaming at the top of my voice . A lot of copperheads in that country , and mama thought a copperhead had bit me . She was only about twenty - two years old . She picked me up , and I was kissing her and hugging her . She put me to bed and went over to Wathan 's and called the doctor . He said , " Oh , he 's just nervous . " About . . . I said , " There 's a man in that tree . And I heard Him , what He told me . " And I said , " I ain 't going to never go by there . " And till this day , I have never been there . I 'd go down the one behind the garden , going back to . . . The pump was down at the barn , and we had to pack water up to the house . I 've never been there to this day , and from that time . And that was - - been a long time ago . E - 36 So then , I remember about two weeks after that , I was playing marble with my brother , and there I - - I felt something strange come over me . I didn 't know what was taking place . And I went out , set down just a minute , and I looked , and right before me , I seen something moving . And the waters looked like the river was looking closer to me . And I seen the Municipal bridge that spans the river now , come up and cross the river , and seen the amount of men dropped off , and went in and told my mama . She said , " You had a dream , honey . " And - - and twenty - two years from that very same year , the bridge which spans the Ohio River , and just exactly the same amount of men lost their life . And they just kept on going . Every time , everywhere , just vision after vision . Nobody . . . E - 37 I remember my first date I had with a little girl . You know how boys are . When you get about sixteen , seventeen , you got a sweetheart . And oh , that first one , you know how she looks . I was a big , old , bashful , country boy , but I remember the first girl that I had . Oh , she had teeth like pearls . She had eyes like a dove , neck like a swan . Oh , she was the prettiest thing I ever seen in my life . So , she had just come into school , so I said to the other boy friend , I said , " You get your daddy 's old Ford . I got seventy - five cents . And we 'll get us two gallons of gasoline for a quarter . And so , and I 'll have fifty cents left , and we 'll go out and have a good time . " E - 38 So we had to jack the old Ford up , and you know , make . . . Did you ever do that to your old Ford when it was about half backslid anyhow , you know ? And - - and pull it up till we got is started , and he got his girl , and I got mine , and away we went . My , I think , she 'd go out with me . Went at nighttime , didn 't have to dress too good , you know ; we wasn 't going nowhere anyhow . So I setting back in the back of the car talking to this little lady , her way over on one side , and me way over on the other , just a bashful , you know . I - - I just . . . My , I know my face was bound to be red . E - 39 So we stopped down there at a place to get some sandwiches . You get a great , big ham sandwich for a nickel . So I was - - I was the sport of the crowd . I was going in , and was going to get some ham sandwiches . So I got some sandwiches , and come out with some cokes , and we drank the cokes and ate the sandwich , and I thought , " Oh , my . I 'm a real fellow now . Somebody likes me , and oh , my , we just having a good time . " Well , I 've always had my opinion of a woman that would smoke a cigarette . It 's the lowest thing she could do . And I haven 't changed my opinion a bit . If God . . . If the Holy Spirit that deals with me . . . If you expect to get to heaven , you 'd better stop ' fore you get there with that stuff . That 's right . E - 40 Now , I 'm not here to preach the Gospel . These . . . There are ministers here do that . But let me tell you something , women : it 's a disgrace to the world . See her with . . . When I get statistics from the government , shows that eighty percent of the babies that 's born has to raised on cows milk . If they nurse from their mother , they 'd die within eighteen months on account of nicotine poison . Communists , fifth columnists ? Listen , brother , don 't you fear about Russia coming over here and doing anything , or Germany , or any other nation . It 's our own rottenness that 's killing us . It ain 't the robin that pecks on the apple that hurts the apple ; it 's the worm at the core that kills the apples . We 're becoming so demoralized till no wonder we 're breaking . We 're breaking ourselves . All right , so much for that . E - 41 Anyhow , she was smoking this little cigarette . I looked at her , and , my , she sure passed out of my view . And I - - I looked at her , and I could hardly believe it was her , that pretty little girl , setting there smoking that cigarette . She was blowing it through her nose , you know , sickening looking . Any man let his wife smoke cigarettes , shows what he 's made out of . That 's right . That 's right . That 's exactly . Brother , mine may do it , if she does , she 's got the same door to go out of that she come in there with . That 's exactly right . Setting there smoking . . . Shows who 's boss at the house . Setting there , it 's bad enough , and too bad for men . And there she was setting there blowing that smoke through her nose . I thought , " Well , poor girl . " She said , " Now , they . . . You say you don 't dance . " She is one of these little pop , or snicklefritz type , you know . She said , " You don 't dance . And - - and you said you don 't drink , and now , you don 't smoke . " She said , " What do you like to do ? " E - 42 Once before that my daddy had called me a sissy . We was going down to pick up some bottles down at the river , you know , along the river , and - - and brother and I got a nickel a dozen for picking up bottles , where they put the whiskey in . And I was . . . And I had an old boat , didn 't have no rudder on the back of it , and we had two boards . My brother in one side , and me in the other , and this man had a big duck . . . ? . . . on , and I thought it . . . His name was McKinney . And he was going to let me use his duck boat , and I thought , " There 's one guy that likes me . " And when he was going to let me row up the river in his duck boat , and that day we was going across the hill , down below the old home place , there was a tree that blowed down across the path , and dad just threw his leg up across the tree . . . One Sunday morning , and he stopped and pulled a little flat bottle of whiskey out of his pocket , give it to Mr . McKinney , and said , " Have a drink ? " E - 43 Why , that got me . I said , " Hand me that bottle . " And I took that bottle with as much determination to take the drink as I am to have a service tonight . And I pulled the cork out of it , started to turn it up to drink it . . . Now , you can call this whatever you want to . But when I started to take that drink of whiskey , I heard something go , " Whooosh . " I thought , " What is that ? " I started again , and something , it just kept making that noise like a whirling of the wind in the leaves , the same Noise that told me never to smoke , or drink , or defile . I couldn 't take it . What was it ? It wasn 't because I was too good to ; it was because God was protecting His gift . See , it 's nothing by man . He 's nothing . It 's God . E - 44 I dropped the bottle and started crying , run up to the field . And that night , when that girl called me a sissy ' cause I wouldn 't smoke a cigarette , I said , " Nobody wants me , and here even my girls won 't have nothing to do with me . Hand me that cigarette . " And I took it , just as determined to take that cigarette and smoke it , as I am to - - to finish this story . And she handed it to me ; I pulled one of the cigarettes out of the pack , reached down and struck a match , and started to put it to my mouth . And just as I started to do that , I heard it go , " Whoosh . " E - 45 " Well , " I thought , " that 's just my imagination . " I got it again and started up to my mouth with it again , and again roared . I looked at the cigarette ; the match was burning down . I looked at her . I remember that , " Don 't you never drink or defile your body in any way . " I stood there a little bit . I got real shaky . I started crying . I dropped the cigarette . She said , " Well , you big sissy you . " And I just throwed it down and started walking up the road by myself , crying , with my hands in my pocket . And they followed me with the car , with the lights on me , in an old model T ford , a laughing at me . And I went out and set down in the field . I left and went across the field . I could take you and put you right on the same spot . E - 46 I set there and said , " I 'll go home and finish the job . Nobody wants me , and nobody . . . My life is a misery , so what 's the use in me living ? " Setting out there in that field that night . . . God 's grace . . . Wished I had more time , but I can 't , to get into that right there , to say what taken place ; but someday I will , with God 's help . You might wonder how I got married . I finally found a girl that didn 't drink and smoke . Just look around ; they 're still here . The backbone of the nation . . . So , she was a lovely girl . How glad I 'm . . . ? . . . glad to talk about her and her boy , and about her and I setting back there listening at me . She was a queen . She was everything that a lady could be . I went with her . She was out of a good family . I was . . . My family wasn 't much . But she was such a real nice girl , Christian girl . I 'd go with her to church ; that 's where she 'd taken me , to church . E - 47 And I remember my conversion when I was a converted . I 'll just have to bypass most of it to hurry up now . I remember in the . . . I begin to make up my mind that I . . . She was too good of a girl for me just to go with her . Somebody ought to marry her who 'd make her a good living , and I was only making twenty cents an hour , so I - - I knowed I couldn 't make her no living at that , working as a ditch digger . And her father made five hundred and something a month during the time of the depression , a brotherhood organizer on the Pennsylvania Railroad . But she loved me , and I loved her . So I thought there 's just going to be a . . . I 'd just have to tell her and just walk away . And I couldn 't do it . I tried to . Every night I thought I 'd tell her I just wouldn 't come back no more , and let her go ahead and get with some - - with some good boy that would - - could make her a living , and make her happy . And I was taking up her time , her young life , and I - - I didn 't want just to do that . So I - - I was all mixed up . And I didn 't want to give her up , ' cause I loved her too much . And I certainly was in a bad shape . E - 48 So I was too bashful to ask her to marry me . I just couldn 't do that . Guess you wonder how I ever got married . I wrote her a letter and asked her , if you would . It worked . Now , it wasn 't , " Dear Miss , " I . . . It was , you know , a little more than that . I set down one day and fixed it all up , and fixed me up a letter . Now , her father was just a good friend . Her mother was a good woman , but she was out of a real starchy church , you know , that - - that she believed in . Guys like myself , I guess , wasn 't too much . So I - - I thought , " I could get by with her daddy , but her mother is what was bothering me . " E - 49 So I just went to work that morning . I said , " Now , if it don 't work , all right , so that 'll settle it . " And I closed the letter and dropped in the mailbox , and went to work . And I had to take her to church on Wednesday night , had a date . So I went over and put the box Monday morning . So Wednesday night come along , I had to go to church . And I happened to get to thinking , you know . Never thought of it before , but me mailing that letter , what if her mammy got a hold of it ? And then , well , if she didn 't get it . I thought , " Oh , my . I 'd sure be in for it when I get up there , if her mother got it besides , she didn 't get it . " Well , the more I thought of it , the more I thought I 'd better stay away Wednesday night . E - 50 " Well , " I thought , " no , I can 't do that , now . I 've got to go . So what am I going to do about it ? " So , I thought , " I 'll just drive up out front , and go easy . " I knowed better to drive up out front and blow the horn . And boys , I 'm telling you that now too , and to you girls , if your boyfriend don 't think enough of you to come up to the house , ask for you , keep away from him . That 's right . So I pulled the old Ford up out there ; it was stopped . Got up on the porch , I thought , " I just won 't go in the house , you know . She 'd get me in the house , then I 'd be in an awful fix . " So I knocked at the door . And so , Hope , my wife , or sweetheart then , she come to the door . She said , " Hello , Billy . Come on in . " E - 51 And I thought , " Oh , oh . No , no . I 'm afraid to come in . If your mother got that letter , then I 'm going to be - - get me in the house I can 't get out , then . So I would be in an awful fix . " E - 52 Went on to church . I didn 't hear a thing Dr . Davis said that night . Only thing I was thinking about , " She 's . . . Just as soon as church is over , she 's going to tell me , ' All right , this is your last night . ' I was going to lose my girl then . " Had that on my mind . You know how the Devil can tell you lies . So then I thought , " I will lose my girl as soon as church is over . " E - 53 I thought , " Oh , oh , I know she got the letter , now . " So I was just walking on down the street . I kept looking over at her . Oh , my , those dark eyes , and that moon shining down , you know . I - - I just hated to have to lose her . So I - - I thought , " I know I can 't marry a girl like that . So I guess maybe I 'd just go ahead and have to be an old hermit . Always said I was going to have a bunch of traps and a dog , and live back in the woods . So I thought , " Well now , I just guess this is it . " And we kept on walking , and got almost to the house , why , I thought , " You know , maybe she didn 't get that letter . Maybe just hung up in the mailbox , and she didn 't get it . " So I got pretty bold , you know , then . I was talking right along . She didn 't get the mail , so I was kinda glad she didn 't . So walked on a little farther , and she just walked on just a quietly . You know how a woman can keep you under suspense , you know . I thought , " Well , say something . Tell me not to come back no more or do something . " So I just kept walking on . I looked over at her , and she looked over at me , and just kept on going . So I thought , " Well , what are you going to say ? " Well , she just kept on walking , just never said nothing . I thought I 'd kinda break the ice , and I said , " Did you read it ? " E - 55 Well , I thought , " Well , comment it some way . " So didn 't say a word , just kept on going . We was just a little piece from the house , and I thought , " You 're going to lead me right up to your mother , aren 't you ? And then I know we 're going to have it . " The trouble of it was , I . . . We had to ask her parents . And she said , " Billy , " said , " you 'll have to ask mother and dad . " E - 56 I said , " Look , Hope , " I said , " you know , the best I remember , now , that married life is supposed to be fifty - fifty . See ? " I said , " Now , I 'll tell you what , I 'll make an agreement with you . " I said , " My fifty part , I 'll ask your father . And your fifty part , you ask your mother . " I knowed I 'd get by with her dad , but I was doubting her mother . E - 57 So I went up to her house , and I , that night , and set up there . And I got ready to go . We was all setting , and Mr . Brumbach was setting over at his desk typing off something , you know . And oh , my . I just thought I 'd stay all night . So finally got time , I had to say something . So I said . . . Got nine - thirty , that was my time to go home . How times have changed . So I said . . . I got up to go home , and so I said , " Good night , you all , " walked out . He walked out on the porch . And oh , I was sweating and my heart beating so fast . And I said , " Sure is a pretty night , isn 't it , Charlie ? " E - 59 I said , " Thank you , Charlie . " I said , " Now look , Charlie , " I said , " I know you can get her good clothes and everything . And there 's probably many more boys around here who could make her a better living ; and she 's a pretty girl , and a nice lady , " and I said , " any - - anybody would want to go with her . " I said , " I don 't know just how breaks ever happen like that for me . " I said , " Charlie , there 's nobody in the world loves her any more than I do . " I said , " I can 't do for her like you can , ' cause I don 't . . . I only make about twenty cents an hour . " I said , " Charlie , I 'll work as hard as I can , and do everything that I know is in my power to make her a living and be good to her . " E - 60 I never will forget . And he laid his ( He was a German , and me an Irishman , and we was always . . . ? . . . one another . ) laid his big hand over on my shoulder , said , " Bill , I 'd rather you have her than anybody I know of . " He said , " Life don 't mean what you 've got . It 's how contented you are with what you have . " I said , " Thank you , Charlie . I - - I love her . " And I said , " I 'll be good to her , and true . And I 'll work as hard as I can for her . " We got married , moved into a little two room place . I never forget what we bought to go housekeeping . And I 'll be done just in a minute . E - 61 We . . . I went down , I had enough money to go to Sears and Roebucks and make a - - a payment on a - - a breakfast set that had . . . [ Blank . spot . on . tape - - Ed . ] . . . Painted it yellow , and put a great big green shamrock right on every chair , an Irishman , you know would . And we - - and we had an old folding bed . How many ever knowed what a folding bed is ? Somebody give it to us . And I went over to a junk dealer and got a stove for seventy - five cents , a cooking stove . And I had to pay a dollar and something to get grates to go in it . And we put her in there and went to housekeeping . We didn 't have very much , but we were happy . We had one another . That 's all that mattered . We loved one another , and that settled it . E - 62 Later on along , God gave us a little boy , standing right back there looking at me now . And how happy we were when this little fellow come into the world . And we loved God with all of our heart . Just before , or just right after the boy was born , I took my first vacation . We saved up enough money till I had , I believe , around six , eight , ten dollars saved up , besides the car payment . And I went up to Michigan to visit an old friend of mine that I 'd met , by the name of John Ryan , setting right here now . I didn 't know too much about Pentecostal people . And this old man , I thought , belonged to the House of David , because he wore long hair and beard . But I found out it was wrong . I went to visit him . And guess , you remember , Brother Ryan . We stayed up there a few days . And on my road back is when I got my first acquaintance with Pentecostal people . We come through Dawa . . . or Mishawaka , and there was a . . . Mishawaka , Indiana . And there was a great convention going on . And there were old Fords , and Cadillacs , and everything setting around , and I heard a lot of noise . And I went in to listen to these people . And they were shouting , " Whooo , " all the dancing , and running , and screaming . I thought , " Tsk , tsk , tsk , tsk , tsk , tsk , tsk , such manners in the church . " And how they were going on . I thought , " Well , that 's terrible for people to act like that in church . " So I listened at them , and they were running up - and - down the floor dancing , and a screaming , and a carrying on . And I thought , " That 's just awful that they 'd do that . " My self - styled Baptist ways , you know , so I - - I thought . . . Next day , there was something or another them preacher 's preaching , they - - they brought an old man out there , an old colored man , had a great big old long coat on . All them preachers had been preaching about different things that day , but he took his text from over in Job . " Where was you when I laid the foundations of the world . . . " and so forth . They had been preaching about earthly things , and he preached about heavenly things . And he took Christ up before the foundation of the world , brought Him in the second coming , down the horizontal rainbow . E - 64 When they brought the old fellow out there , he was so old they had to lead him out . And about time he got all wound up to preaching , he jumped up in the air , clicked his heels together , said , " Glory to God ! Whew . " He said , " There 's not enough room here for me to preach , " and walked off the platform . And I said , " Boy , if It 'll make an old man act like that , I want that too . What will It do for me ? " I said , " That 's what I want . " I didn 't have any money , so I couldn 't eat with them . I had seventy - five , or eighty cents left besides my gasoline I had to buy . I couldn 't stay in a tourist court , so I went and bought me a big sack full of second day rolls , you know . that 'd . . . So I 'd eaten them . I went out in an old cornfield and laid down that night , and I pressed my trousers between the two seats , you know , back seat and front seat , and put them in there and pressed it out . And I prayed all night for God to give me favor with those people . They had something that I wanted . And so I thought , " Oh , that 's what I been looking for , right there . " E - 65 So I went back down the next morning , and I 'd all shined up , best I had . I had a T - shirt on and seersucker trousers . Nobody knowed me , anyhow . So I went in and set down . The colored folks was there . They had to have it above the Mason Dixie Line so this color could set around . And I happened to set down , and first thing you know a colored man set down by me , and I 'm a southerner too , you know . I looked around and thought , " Now , this ain 't right . " Looked at him . . . First thing you know , they come up . All that big group of people , all of them singing , and going on like that . And I thought , " This is wonderful . " So the man come out . He said , " Last night on the platform , there was a young evangelists by the name of William Branham . " Said , " Anybody know the whereabouts of him ? " Two or three thousand people there . Seersucker trousers a T - shirt , so I just set real close like this . Said , " Anybody knows where William Branham is ? We want him to bring the morning message . " Morning message , seersucker trousers , and a T - shirt ? I just hunkered down real easy like this , you know , down under the seat . E - 67 Oh , my . Seersucker trousers with a T - shirt , here I went up . I never seen a microphone before . And here I went walking up in this great big , cathedral of a place , there , walking up there , you know , and I thought , " Oh , how out of place . " I took my text of when the rich man , in Luke , you know , lifted up his eyes in hell , and he cried . I got up there , and I said , " And he lifted up . There was no children in hell , so he cried . There was no flowers , so he cried . There was no prayer meeting , and he cried . And there 's no this , that , and that . " Then I cried . And the first thing you know , the Holy Spirit got caught into that building , and I never seen such a carrying on in all . . . Why , I went unconscious nearly . I was right in the right place and didn 't know it . I had a whole string of invitations . And I got in my old Ford . I was going to tell my wife . And down the road I went . See , it 'd thirty miles an hour . That 's fifteen miles this way , and fifteen miles up - and - down that way , you know . Down the road I come , just as hard as I could go . I 'd pull on the old brake out there , and the two back wheels scooted . Bless her heart , she run to the door , and her arms open , you know , and she said , " Did you have a good time ? " E - 69 I said , " Oh , a wonderful time . " Telling her about being with Brother Ryan here , and so forth . And that 's when I said , " Honey , I got something to tell you . Just let me show you . " Reached down in my pocket . " See all them ? " I said , " I 've always wanted to be an evangelist . " I said , " There is . . . I 've got enough invitations to last me all year . You go with me ? " Well , we went and told her mother . " Mom , " she said , " go ahead . " But her mother said , " Bill , no . " She said , " That ain 't nothing but a bunch of backwash out of other churches , just what other churches had kicked out . " E - 70 " Why , " I said , " they 're the happiest people in the world . They 're not ashamed of their religion . They just scream , shout , just as free as the water runs . " I said , " I like that . " And she . . . And I come to found out , what she called trash , is the cream of the crop . And I say that with respect . That 's exactly right . And she said , " But , it 's my daughter . " She said , " She can go . If she goes , her mother will go to a grave broken hearted . " E - 71 And we went on , talked it over . Instead of listening to God , I listened to the woman . Now , she may . . . She might be setting right here this afternoon for all I know . I don 't see her , but she may be . She 's a good woman , but she just didn 't understand at that time . Then sorrow set in . Immediately , the . . . We had a . . . After that little while , another little fellow was born , a little girl called Sharon Rose . The 1937 flood come up . Sorrows begin to break in . Things went wrong at the church . My congregation begin to drop . Just get out of the harmony with God one time . And friends , I 'll always regret it as long as I live . Right then , my church thought I was a fanatic . They still do . Not my church body at Jeffersonville , no , no , I mean the Baptist church that I belonged to . E - 72 At home , I was a black sheep , because I didn 't drink and things , and all the rest of them did . In society I didn 't dance , and didn 't go to places , and didn 't play cards and those things . So I was a black sheep there . In church I was a fanatic . And I just found out that that backwash was right where I belonged . I was one of them , just exactly . They had something that was down in here . And deep was calling to the deep , and it was where God was trying to get me . I ain 't disregarding any other , any church , or nothing about it . Every person that 's borned of the Spirit of God , is a son of God . That 's right . E - 73 But then , I remember when the flood came up , and my wife took sick . And I never forget that hour . My , the night the dike broke through down there , the levy . . . Brother Ryan , you was there . And I was working on the patrol . I thought I was a pretty good boatman . And I 'm fixing to close the service . And I never forget that night , these few seconds . . . I want to try to put it to your hearts to let you know of what taken place at that time . My wife taken sick . And the dike broke through that night . I remember meeting Brother Ryan and them out there , and he was in my old boat , standing out at the edge of the water , preaching to the people , going down the river . E - 74 And then , I went to the hospital to get her , and the whole thing had washed away . And there I was , out in the . . . Went out to make a rescue to a woman that come , told me there was out there on past Chestnut street , and the house was going in , and the people were drowning . And I got in the boat , and pulled . . . Little old pull string motor , and I got out there , and got to where the woman was , and the house was about to go over , a big two story house shaking back and forth . And I come down through the back of a alley like , where I had to get in . And I tied the boat , went a got a mother and some children and put them in the boat . The mother fainted . I got her in the boat , packing her , put her in the boat , and got back out . And when she come to , when we got her to shore , she begin to scream , " My baby , my baby . " And I thought she left a baby in that house up there . E - 75 Well , I tried to go back again . Come to find out , it was a baby she was . . . A little two year old , three year old child she had there with her , and she didn 't know where it was at . But I 'd done got in the boat . And I went back to get the baby . And as I tied the boat to the post , like this , and got it again to look around , there was nothing in the house , the bottom give away , and here I was in the house . And I run and jumped through to the door real quick , and fell into the water , and got the post like this , and pulled a string loose , jumped up in the boat again . And the current had done got me out in the middle of the Ohio River , which is three or four times as wide as it is here , and then it was really wide . The whole city was swept over . E - 76 And the motor . . . Something had happened , and I couldn 't get it started . And that current was taking me out in towards the dam down there , over the falls . It was just as hard as it could swirl me around . I was setting out there pulling that string as hard as I could , and it wouldn 't start . And I 'd pull it again , the boat turning , the waves almost as high as this building . It 's just like that . I had plenty of time to think about whether that was backwash or not , or trash . I thought , " Oh , my . Just little while longer and over them piers and through the falls I 'll go , and that 's the end of it . I thought , " A wife , two babies . . . " And I got to pulling the string like that , and I was going on out into the river . And I seen it wasn 't going to start , and I started crying . I said , " God , be merciful to me . Don 't let me die out here like this . " I pulled the string like that , and pulled it again . It wouldn 't start . And I choked it , and I had it flooded , and I was pulling again . I thought , " Oh , my . " Why , I couldn 't . . . I didn 't know what to do . And then just about time they got in current it started . E - 77 I whirled around and got back , come back way down towards New Albany , got in , went up to find my wife . The whole hospital was covered through with . . . ? . . . with water . And they 'd . . . I thought , " She 's drowned and gone . " She had Billy Paul back there and Sharon . She was down with double pneumonia . So I ask them , " What become of them ? " That sick mother , with a hundred and five fever in a cattle car , and the sleet blowing just as hard as it could across . . . And then they said , " They went towards Charlestown . " And I started out to hit Charlestown . Got my boat and got in there , there was about seven miles of water where a creek had backed up the . . . broke through this way , and the current coming just as hard as it could come . I tried hour after hour , and I couldn 't get that boat to even pierce that - - that current . It 'd bring me right back around like this again . I tried and tried . And there I come to find out I was marooned out on a island to myself . And there I set for days , thinking all about that backwash , kicked out of other churches . E - 78 When I found her , after the waters went down , and I got to where she was way up at Columbus , Indiana , in a Baptist Hospital , a place , room like this , I went through there screaming at the top of my voice . I was about wild . And I seen her raise up her hand , and there my darling , she 'd fell off so much weight , till she didn 't - - wouldn 't weigh over a hundred pounds . That pneumonia had went into tuberculosis , and she was dying . E - 79 And he said , " Well , look . Now , we 're going to send her to Sam , " said , " the girl is going to die . " Said , " She just . . . " Said , " Now , you 're a minister , aren 't you ? " And I looked , and her jaws sunk in , and those dark eyes way back . And I knelt down beside of her , and I started praying . We brought her home , her and the baby ; we took her out the hospital . They done everything that could be done . Dr . Miller , here , Louisville , come to look at her and said , " There isn 't a thing can be done . " And went on and on , until she laid just a few hours to live . E - 80 And I was out on patrol when I heard them call me . And I turned on , come down the road as hard as I could . They said , " She 's dying . " Said , " Calling for Reverend Branham to come to the hospital : Wife dying . " And I went into the hospital ( I 'll never forget it as long as I live . ) , rushed up the steps , went over to where she was laying there , looked at her . And she 'd already turned over on her side . Dr . Adair coming down the hall , bless his heart . We 're neighbors now , and always been buddies . He was coming down the hall ; he seen me coming , tears running down his cheeks . And he darted in sideways . And I went in there , I said , " What about it , doc ? " E - 81 He said , " Billy , I can 't go in there . " And said , " As many pies and things as Hope 's cooked for me and things . " Said , " As good as she 's been , like my sister . " Said , " I can 't go in , Bill . " And he was breaking his own heart . E - 82 And he tried to pull me back , and I just went on , walked down the hall , opened up the door and went in . And there she was laying like that , this sheet up over her . I pulled the sheet down . I looked at her laying there . I put my hand on her head , felt real sticky , and I said , " Sweetheart , can you hear me ? " I shook her again . I said , " Do you hear me , honey ? " And if I live to be a hundred years old , I 'll never forget those great , big , dark , angel eyes opened up . True , lovely woman , she looked up ( twenty - two years old ) , looked me right in the face . She said , " Oh , Bill . " I knelt down and started crying . She put her own arm over on me and begin to pat me . She said , " Why 'd you call me back ? " My wife called her over . She said , " Juanita , " said , " I hope when you get married you have a husband like mine . " Said , " He 's been so good to me , " and she had her arm around me . She said , " Bill , I was being taken home . " The nurse left the room . And she said , " I 'd been taken home , and some Angel 's like was going down . " Said , " It 's just so peaceful , a great tropic , " and said , " the big birds was flying from tree to tree . " She said , " Now , don 't think I 'm beside myself . " What it was , her eyes were just opened to see paradise just as . . . And she said , " You know why I 'm going , don 't you , Bill ? " And that 's what hurt . She said , " Bill , it 's the most glorious thing in the world to die with the baptism of the Holy Ghost . " She said , " I don 't mind . " Said , " I hate to leave you . " Said , " But take care of Billy Paul . " That 's my boy setting right there . Said , " Take care of him and raise him a Christian . " And said , " Then , you also . . . And Sharon , the little girl . " And said , " Don 't stay single . " Said , " I want to ask you some things to promise me . " Said , " Remember that time you wanted to buy that rifle in Louisville , and didn 't have enough money to make a down payment , two dollars ? " E - 85 She said , " After I 'm gone , " she said , " go home , and look up under the folding bed on that newspaper . I was saving nickels to get enough money , " to make the down payment on that rifle for me . She knowed I wanted it so bad . And she said , " Then , I don 't want you to stay single . " Said , " You get some good Christian girl , with the baptism of the Holy Ghost that 'll raise the children right . " Said , " Will you ? I want you to meet me there at the gate . " E - 86 She said , " Please promise me . " Said , " I don 't want my children pulled from post to post like that . " And said , " Promise that you 'll never let down no more . That you 'll always preach this wonderful , glorious Gospel , and the baptism of the Holy Ghost . " She said , " Bill , there 's not one worry in the world that I have right now . " She said , " I 'm just as . . . She was just as willing to die as the water flows down that river . Said , " I just hate to leave you and the children . " but she said , " I 'm going back . " Said , " I have no desire to stay . " E - 87 I said , " Honey , on that morning , I . . . You stand over on the east side of the gate . Somewhere , somewhere in the world , if I 'm living , I 'll be preaching this Gospel until the time that I meet you . And if I sleep before then . . . " We don 't believe in death . There 's no Scripture in the Bible says a Christian dies . No , sir , they 're not dead . And so , I said , " If I 'm sleeping , I 'll be by your side there at the grave . " I said , " But if I 'm not , I 'll be somewhere in the world preaching the Gospel . And - - and - - and I 'll get the kids together , or you get them , and you stand on the east side of the gate . When you see Abraham , Isaac , and Jacob , and the rest of them coming up , I 'll be there . " E - 88 And she put her arms around me , and I kissed her good - bye . That was it . The Angels come packed her away . I took off home . And just as I got home , not knowing it , here come someone running in , said , " Brother Branham ? " Little , fat healthy thing . I remember her mother used to put the little three corners on her , set her out in the yard , and I 'd blow my horn when I was coming around . She was just big enough to jump and go , " Goo - goo , goo - goo , goo . " Just sweet and plump , and how I loved her . E - 89 I rushed to the hospital real quick . Sam Adair said , " You can 't go in , Bill . " Said , " She 's developed tubercular meningitis , and she 's dying now . " Said , " We got him away . " Said , " You can 't go in now . " Said , " You 'll pick up that germ , take it back to Billy . " I waited till he turned his back and I went in anyhow . And I went in , and they had her in an isolating place , not a very good hospital , had . . . The flies was all in her little eyes . And I went down there , and looked at the poor little thing . And I shook her . Her little legs was fat , and moving back and forth , little spasm like . And when she opened her little eyes and looked at me . . . She was blue - eyed . And those little blue eyes , she 'd suffered so hard till they were crossed . And when she looked at me , I said , " Sherry , do you know your daddy , honey ? " His . . . Her little lips begin to quiver , and she was trying to reach for me , and was dying . E - 90 I knelt down , and I said , " O God , please don 't let my baby die . I 'm sorry that I listened to what somebody else said . Take me , and let my baby live . I 'm the one that sinned . I 'm the one that did wrong . " I said , " Let my baby live , God . Don 't take her . I love her so much . " Seen the Angel of God come , take the little thing home . I walked over and put my hand on her little head . I said , " Sweetheart , God bless your little heart . " I said , " You 're going to be a little angel directly in the arms of mother . She 's laying there in the morgue now . " E - 91 I said , " God , I 've done wrong , but someday , if You forgive me , I 'll make it all right to You . " I said , " You gave her to me ; You 're taking her away . Blessed be the Name of the Lord . " I said , " I love You , Lord , with all my heart . " I felt her little flesh quiver . She was gone . I couldn 't hold myself together . My bones wouldn 't hold together , looked like . I was dying . I taken her , put her in her mother 's arms , take her up there on the hill , dug a hole . I was standing there , and Brother Smith , the Methodist church , my buddy , preached the funeral . I heard him reach over and get those clods and say , " Ashes to ashes , and dust to dust , earth to earth . " E - 92 Here real recently , my boy , he was just a little bitty fellow , we was taking a flower over to his mother 's grave . He had his hat in his hand , and a little flower , holding it on Easter morning . He started snubbing , and crying ( Billy Paul , the one that helps me here in the service . ) ; I put my arm around him . Walked up , and he put the little flower down just as it was breaking day . I said , " Now , stand up , honey . " I said , " Mother and sister , their body lays there , but way across the sea yonder now there 's an empty tomb . Some glorious day by His death and resurrection this one will be empty , and we 'll be with them again . So don 't worry , honey . " I couldn 't stand it . I tried to work . I tried to . . . I could see my wife going , but my baby ? I just couldn 't get over it . E - 93 I remember one evening started to come from work . I picked up the mail on the side of the house , and I looked . It said , " Miss Sharon Rose Branham , " her little Christmas saving : eighty cents . I went in , I was trying to batch in our little old two rooms there , and one of them , I never had no fire in the other side . Frost come up through the floor , and I knelt down there by my little old stove , and my cot , and I was praying . I said , " O God , I 'm . . . Why did You take her ? " And while laying there praying , sobbing away in the night , I must 've fell asleep . And I dreamed that I - - I seen , going walking along . . . I 've spent a lot of time , about twenty years , in cattle , in the West . I was going walking on . I had on my hat , big hat , and I was kicking my spurs along , just going on along like that , whistling that song , " The wheel on the wagon 's broken . A sign on the ranch ' For Sale . ' " And I looked , and there was an old prairie schooner there , and the wheel was broke down . And I looked , and there stood a beautiful , young girl , standing there . She said , " Hello , daddy . " E - 94 And she said , " I 'm your little Sharon . " She said , " Mother 's waiting for you . " I said . . . " Up at your new home . " And I started up , and I hear them singing that song , " I see the lights of the city so bright . " And I got up , and there she was standing there , looking at me . She put her arms around me , and greeted me , as she always did . She said , " Won 't you set down ? " Down here one time , I 'd . . . We had just one chair . And that . . . the chair only cost fifteen dollars . I was going to buy down here . And I made a two dollar payment on it , and was paying a dollar a week . You know , when you get to a place where you can 't make ends meet . You all know what I 'm talking about . It 's no disgrace to be poor . I just couldn 't make the ends meet , and I missed two or three payments , and they told me they was going to come get it . We just couldn 't make the payments . And one day , when I come in , I 'll never forget it . She baked me a cherry pie , and everything , and she said , " Come in . " And I went in the front room , and my chair was gone . Where I had . . . When I 'd work hard all day , and preach half the night , and then come in and sit in that chair , ' cause I liked to . And they come took it from me . E - 96 And she said , " Won 't you set down ? " And the chair looked like it , only much bigger . And she said , " You remember that one down on earth ? " Excuse me , people . And some glorious day , someday , I 'm going to preach my last sermon . I 'm going to pray for the last person I 'll ever have to . But there 's a chair setting across the river . I want to set down awhile . E - 97 Let 's bow our heads . Lord , forgive me , Lord , for being a baby , but in the journey down them old lands . . . ? . . . The scars , and things as I remember . God grant that the people , if there 's any here , Lord , that 's kinda undecided about what they 're going to do hereafter , may they reach out , Lord , and touch Your hand . I believe at the other side , You have my beloved wife , my baby , my little Sharon . I thank You for restoring to me , Lord , all that I lost and more . I love You . It 's truly with all my heart , I - - I want to serve You as long as I live . Don 't make any difference what they call , or what they say , I - - I want to serve You . E - 98 And dear God , there may be some poor , little , old , Kentucky brother or sister setting here this afternoon , that doesn 't know You . I pray , God , if there is , that You 'll forgive them right now . Grant it , Lord . May they come to this . When that great time of rest comes , when their labors are all over , that we 'll set down together in the Kingdom of God . Hear the prayer of Your servant . While we have our heads bowed just a moment , are you here without God this afternoon ? If you are , would you raise up your hand , say , " Brother Branham , I - - I want to meet you over there . I want - - I want to share the fellowship together in God 's Kingdom with you . Will you remember me in prayer ? " Will you raise your hand up if you will ? Say , " Remember me . " Is there anyone in the building ? God bless you , honey . Don 't . . . God bless you , you , you . You say , " I belong to a church , Brother Branham . " Well , that won 't work , sister , brother . It 's all right to live here , but wait till you come down tasting death , then you 'll know . If you haven 't the Holy Spirit , would you raise up your hand ? Say , " Pray for me . " Let every head be bowed now . God bless you , lady , you , and you , and you , and you , and you . Would you give us some little chord on the piano ? I 'm going to ask just a short season now , while we remain just quiet as we can . Those who are seeking God , will you come up here and stand at the altar . I want to shake your hand , put my hands on you , pray with you . Will you come now ? All right . |
So on our anniversary Chris , Grace , and I went to eat at Chili 's , which was yum ! And then we drove over to the mall near our apartment . He had never been before , and I hadn 't been in a long time , but it was actually a pretty decent mall . . it was no Hamilton Place , but I would probably say it was equal with Northgate if not better . We checked out the shops , and we were going to get our pictures done in one of those little photo booths , but it was out of order : ( Then we went home so Grace could take a nap , and then we went to Morgan 's . She had invited us to a dinner party at her new apartment ( I think I 've talked about her before , she has a baby just a couple months older than Grace name Christian ) . At first it was fun . She was there with Christian and her bf Josh , and there was another couple there who had a precious 2 week old baby . She was tiny ! And they had another girl their age with them . We all ate and talked about parenthood , and watched Grace and Christian play ( Grace LOVES to play with Christian because they are on the same level developmentally ) . Then the other couple and their friend said they had to leave to take the baby to the girl 's mom 's house to spend the night . It kind of shocked me that they were leaving her overnight at such a young age . Grace has never stayed the night anywhere , but I just figured every person did things differently . They said they would be coming back later , and when they did they had alcohol with them . I was a little surprised that Morgan didn 't mind it in her house because I would not want it in mine , but of course it wasn 't my place to say anything . The guy was drinking a beer so I assumed it was for him ( keep in mind none of these people were 21 ) . Josh ( Morgan 's boyfriend ) kept talking about how he wanted to rent Bounty Hunter and asked Chris and the other guy if he wanted to ride with him to go get it . While they were gone the two girls started doing shots right in front of Grace ! ! They were popping them back like it was nothing , and the one girl was breast feeding her baby . You may be thinking . . maybe it was just a one time thing . . but she started talking about how she was doing shots the day before . And I witnessed this girl pumping her breastmilk to give to her baby . I am not sure how long breastmilk stays in your system but if she was drinking like she says she was I am pretty sure she was probably giving some to her baby . . And then the other girl kept trying to play with Grace , and she was drunk ! She was stumbling everywhOh and coincidentally . . the girl who was breastfeeding and popping back a shot a minute . . her name was Jenelle . Apparently if your name is Jenelle you are destined to be a bad mom . At one point we were sitting in the living room and she asked Morgan and me if we ever regretted having a baby so young ? ? ? I mean her baby is only two weeks old and she is regretting her ? And she said she breaks down crying all the time ? I only broke down and cried once , and that was when I was at the worst part of my breastfeeding experience , sleep deprived , and Grace had RSV so she needed extra care and we couldn 't leave the house at all , and I only cried for a few minutes and I was good . I feel so bad for that poor girl 's baby . There were two girls that lived beneath us and the other day one kicked the other one our . The girl was parked right under our bedroom window so I heard every last bit of the blow out . They were screaming bloody murder at each other , and the one that got kicked out has a little girl about 3 years old , and they were screaming right in front of her , but the girl got in her car and left . Then two nights ago she came back for her stuff , and the world must have come to an end because we could here things banging off the walls , people screaming , and the little girl crying . Then they took it outside , the were literally trying to kill each other , and the poor little girl was screaming hysterically ! They didn 't even care about here . There is a girl who lives across the hall from them and she came out to comfort the little girl . For about 5 minutes we just listened until they started hitting each other and then I called 911 . I figured by the time the police got there they would have stopped fighting , but the police actually had to break them up ! ! They police were there for over an hour and they had to bring an ambulance and everything . It was crazy ! I just hope that girl doesn 't come around anymore and try to start trouble . I 'm not sure if they got arrested or sent to the hospital or what , but it was scary . She is also taking steps with her push walker now ! ! And cruising pretty well . And her top left center tooth came through last week ! ! She is growing up so fast ! ! ! Tomorrow is mine and Chris ' 3 year anniversary ( we decided to use the original date despite the break up because we didn 't want to get confused , and weren 't even broken up for a month ) . We are not sure what we are going to do yet because we do not have much money this month and we will have Grace with us . We are probably going to go eat and check out some of the parks where we live , but I am still excited : ) More pics : ) : ) So we are all settled in now . I had pics , but I am dumb and forgot to put the memory card in my camera so they are saved to my camera instead of a memory card , so I can 't put them on the computer because the camera cord is at the apartment and I am at my moms . I just finished orientation for college . Grace stayed with my mom today . . it was the longest I have ever left her anywhere . . about 9 hours : ( But I got all my classes scheduled . I go Monday through Thursday for 12 : 15 to 2 : 55 , so it 's really not that bad . I was surprised . . I really thought it would be like six hours a day . But she said that was full time so that is fine with me ! As far as the apartment goes . . everything is set up now . We ended not getting that entertainment center , because Chris ' mom gave us one for free . It 's kind of old and ugly , but it was free so it works for now . Less money we have to spend . I also got my bookshelf and all the picture frames up , so everything is done . The cable / internet people are coming the 26th , but I still won 't have internet until the 7th of next month because I don 't get my laptop until the 6th of next month ( tax free day . . I planned that on purpose so I don 't have to pay the tax money ) . We are also getting a table soon that Chris ' mom found for us . I am kind of nervous about it because I haven 't seen it yet , but again . . it 's free . So I will live with whatever it is lol . We still need a toy box , lots of electrical outlet covers , and some curtains , but those aren 't mandatory things . We probably won 't be able to get those things for awhile because we have tons of birthdays coming up ! My mom 's , sister 's , and Christian 's ( Morgan 's son ) are all next month , Sami 's is in September , and Cayle is having his party in October , and then there is Grace 's and Chris ' in November , so we are birthday booked lol . I 'm excited though ! Hopefully I will get to post pics of the finished product soon . My friend Ashley is coming over tonight to see it . She will be our first house guest since we got it all together : ) We are adjusting to life fairly well at our new place . We are almost completely settled in . As you can probably tell from the pic the living room is the only room not finished . We are getting our entertainment center , bookshelf , and the TV for our room today so I can finally get the rest set up ! Also we need a toy box for Grace 's room because we don 't have anywhere to put her toys . . That 's what is in those boxes under her bed . There is also three boxes of toys in the closet lol . The girl is spoiled . We have met a few of our neighbors . They seem nice . A couple of guys even offered to help Chris carry some stuff in . And yesterday I saw six kids playing outside ! Only one of them looked to be about Grace 's age , and it was a boy . There was a girl , but she look about 2 or 3 . I really just can 't wait until we have everything settled in . I loved cooking dinner last night . I never thought I would enjoy cooking and cleaning , but I even liked washing the dishes with Chris . I 'm sure that will wear off soon though lol . Grace is still getting used to it . She likes her room because she can actually get to all the toys . Words can 't even explain how excited I am ! The guy called this morning and said everything checked out , and it was definitely going to be ours ! ! Now all he has to do is get the carpet in . . he didn 't want to put it in unless we were for sure getting it . The guy was supposed to do it today , but we haven 't heard anything . . they also have to put in the dishwasher , and put on the shower head , and put on the closet doors . So I will understand if it takes them a few days , but I realllllly hope it doesn 't ! Tomorrow is my only completely free day . I have to go take my compass test for school ( bummer ) on Wednesday , and I have to go renew our WIC on Thursday ( which always takes hours . . ) , then as long as it doesn 't rain I will have to work Friday . . I really hope we can start taking stuff tomorrow . Chris is going to look at an entertainment center tomorrow morning . We thought we were going to be able to use the one at my house , but it doesn 't fit the tv : ( We looked on criagslist and found a nice one for a pretty good deal so Chris is going to check it out tomorrow . In other news . . Chris went to traffic court today for his reckless driving ticket . That is one thing I was terrified about . We had $ 500 put away for the fine , but he could also face losing his license , going to driving school , or even going to jail . I went with him and I am glad I did . The first guy to go up there was going like 20 something miles over the speed limit and had 6 prior tickets . He never said yes sir or yes ma ' am , and he lied ( you could tell he was lying ) , so pretty much as soon as he got up there the judge asked for his license . Of course the guy " didn 't have it " because it had been " stolen . " But I was terrified at that point ! He was so harsh on that guy , and I just new that he was going to be harsh on Chris . He even played a video of a person not even going as fast as that guy who slammed into a school bus . Luckily none of the children were hurt , but the three people in the car were killed . The video was caught by one of the speed cams in Chattanooga ( about 15 minutes from my house ) . Chris was called up after that guy . The judge read what happened and asked him to explain himself . Chris actually did very well . He just told the truth , and he said yes sir and yes ma ' am ( the person who swore him in was a woman ) . Chris told him it was a bit of road rage , so the judge started asking him if he had anger problems , he told him no . And somehow they got on the subject of us fixing to move to Dalton . The judge asked him if his fiance was here and he said yes , and the judge made me come up there ! He asked me if Chris ever had any anger problems towards me . . I told him no . Then the judge told Chris that since he was trying to make a life for his family he was going to reduce his charge to " too fast for conditions " in case Chris ever tried to get a job that required driving ( you can 't get one if you have reckless driving on your record ) . That helped us out soooo much ! The fine was only $ 200 and that included court costs . Chris also said after seeing that video he never wanted to speed again . We 'll see how that goes because he has a bit of a lead foot , but he has gotten a lot better since the baby was born . He got that ticket when we were broken up . So then we had $ 300 extra that we didn 't think we would so we went to Wal - Mart and got Grace a night stand type thing , a microwave , some tupperware , a strainer , and a measuring cup ( I plan on doing lots of cooking ) . All that was only $ 80 though , so we still have $ 220 extra , which is a blessing ! Because we still need a couch and kitchen table and chairs , and that will help . Also , my mom is coming around somewhat . As I suspected she wasn 't too happy about the whole thing . . still isn 't , but I wasn 't going to be living here forever whether I had a baby or not . She 's being nicer tonight though . She called me while I was at Chris ' and said that she would give me the spice rack she has , and some other stuff . She pretty much said I could have whatever I wanted . I 'm not going to take all her stuff , but I do want the spice rack lol . She has three so I don 't think it would make much of a difference . Lastly , I have about 20 boxes packed ! Still a ton more stuff to go . I used all my boxes , so Morgan brought me six more today . I already have boxes stacked everywhere . I don 't know where I am going to put more lol . I really hope we can move in soon . Still haven 't heard anything from the guy yet , but everyone is reassuring me that it is the weekend , and I just need to give him a little time lol . He did say that he wouldn 't take our deposit if he wasn 't going to give it to us , but I guess it all just seems so surreal to me . It 's like I have wanted this for so long , and I am terrified that it is going to get ripped away from me . It better not though because I am going to have a lot of unpacking to do . I already have six boxes packed . All things we don 't use at the moment of course . Like stuffed animals , kitchen stuff , and bathroom stuff . I also went to Wal - Mart today and got some small things . . like our own shampoo , soap , gloves for washing dishes . . things like that . Also Grace broke her little change bank the other day ( she knocked it off the night stand ) , so I wanted to get her a new one . . we went over there and looked at them , but I didn 't have the money for one today . Chris took it from me and put it in the cart , and I was like " what are you doing ? " And he said he was going to buy it for her . He has been so sweet to both of us these last few weeks . So now she will have a pretty piggy bank to put in her room : ) That is a pic of it that I got off Walmart . com . I love it ! Also we actually have a lot more furniture than I thought . We have a bed for us , a bed for Grace , a bookshelf for us , a bookshelf for Grace , a high chair , a dresser for us , a dresser for Grace , an entertainment center , two tvs , a coffee table , several large toys for Grace , and Grace 's bathtub . All we really need is a couch , a kitchen table and chairs , and two night stands ( one for us and one for Grace ) . We also need smaller things like trash cans and a microwave . Chris ' mom is actually helping us out and letting us have Chris ' bed and dresser ( we are going to leave my bed for my sister ) , she is also giving us the coffee table , some dishes , and some pots and pans . No telling what else she 'll get before we actually move out . They are also going to help us move by letting us use her SUV and her husbands truck to haul stuff in . His mom is super excited about us moving out , but she doesn 't like that we are moving further away . I told Chris to tell her we would go eat dinner with them once a week if that made it easier , and as long as we could go see my family too . Maybe I should make it alternating weeks . . once with my family , once with his ? On the other hand I don 't think my mom will take it too well . I am going to tell her tonight , but I don 't think she will take it well . I 'm not sure if she will be sad or mad , but I don 't like either one . I have never not lived in the same house as her so I think it will be hard on her . I 'm nervous to tell her , but I know I have to . She will be happy for us one day when we prove we are capable , but I think she 's worried we will end up on the streets or fighting all the time or something . The apartment near Gracie Rd . didn 't work out . . the guy wouldn 't call us back , so we started looking on Craigslist again , and I found an apartment in Dalton . It 's a little bit away from my family . . probably 20 minutes , and about 35 minutes away from Chris ' family , but it is only three miles from Dalton State ! ( That 's where I am going to be starting college in the fall ) . The guy was very nice to us , he showed us around and let us take pictures . There was no carpet in the living room , but he is going to put it in , so we will have new carpet ! It already has new new paint and a new dishwasher . It 's $ 550 a month , but that covers water , garbage , and . . . electric ! Up to $ 85 , but I highly doubt we will use more than that . The bathroom , living room , and kitchen are all good sized , and there is a bigger bed room and a smaller bed room . We filled out the application and put down a $ 200 deposit , and the guy told us that as long as everything checked out it was ours ! ! ! ! It really finally is going to happen . I have to start packing and buying . He said the apartment will be ready next week and we can move in as soon as it is ! I am soooooooo excited ! I am sad though because I won 't be living close to TN anymore . . I am so used to just being able to drive up there in 15 minutes . I 'm glad I only have to go there one day a week for work ! I truly do believe Chris has matured more then I ever thought he would . When his grandpa died he got his step - dad 's truck ( his step - dad got his grandpa 's ) , and before we separated all Chris talked about was how he was going to fix it up and show it off . Well while we were on vacation Chris sold it for about $ 2000 ( it wasn 't the nicest truck in the world ) , and he last night he told me that we were going to start looking for apartments because that would cover first months rent , the security deposits , and the electric bill and deposit . We will have enough for the bills each month , but if he hadn 't sold the car we wouldn 't have been able to afford the deposits . Next month I will be getting my grants for school and we are going to use some of that to buy furniture ( I will have plenty left over ) . We went and looked at a place today that his mom sent us too , but it was not right for us at all . It was tiny . . there was only one bed room , and you had to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom . The only thing I like was that it had a washer and dryer . SO we looked on Craigslist . . at first we saw that place that Brittany was going to move into , but it 's not exactly where we want to live since the landlord tried to pull one over on Brittany and Jessie . Then we found a place that is still in Ringgold , it 's $ 430 a month with water and garbage included , it 's a two bedroom , and it 's on a quiet street . We are going to go see it tomorrow ! And we looked up the directions on Google Maps so we would know how to get there and the street right next to it is called Gracie Lane . It 's like it 's a sign or something . I don 't know . . I just have this feeling that this is going to be the place . I really hope it is . If we like it we are going to put in an application immediately ! Chris has good credit so we shouldn 't have any problems there . I was just really impressed with Chris . . usually I would have to suggest something like that and we would fight over it , but he put his family before himself , and actually stepped up to the plate . Now we may be able to live together again . I reallllllllllllllllllly hope this works out . I have been wanting this for a long time . It is my dream to be our own little family . Also today we went over to Chris ' to go look at that apartment . After we looked he wanted to take me to a movie . We went to see Eclipse . . yes I am a Twilight fan , but not the movies . . the books . This movie did surprise me though . It was actually pretty good . It may just be that I finished the books about two years ago , so I don 't remember all the details , but this movie seemed to follow the book a little bit better . Still can 't stand their choice for Edward though ! Yuck ! Now Taylor Lautner on the other hand . . Chris and I both have one famous person who we like and he is mine ! Lol . Then Chris took me to eat at TGI Fridays : ) Yum ! Then we went and looked at some furniture . We found a couch we like , but it may be the same one Brittany has lol . . Our living rooms may look alike . The first day was nice . . we checked into the hotel and got all our stuff in . We rested for a few minutes and watched some tv and then we all went swimming . Grace is actually starting to kick her feet in the water . I think she is going to be a natural swimmer . After we got done swimming we went to the room and ate some food . That was pretty much the end of the fun . . My mom and my grandmother don 't agree on how my mom raises Cheyenne . . which honestly I don 't either . . she will be five in a month and she still drinks from a bottle , sucks on a pacifier , and isn 't potty trained . . plus she whines constantly . . so my mom and my grandmother were constantly fighting about that and my sister would get upset and start crying . . Then that night Grace didn 't want to go to sleep because she was in a new place , so we were up half the night . . and then at like 1 am my sister started whining about wanting a bottle and wanting to go home . . my mom didn 't even say anything to her , and all my grandmother did was tell her to hush 27 times so I ended up having to try to take care of her and Grace . Then after Grace finally went to sleep at 3 am my mom got up at 6 : 30 and pulled the curtains open and woke Grace up with the bright light because the room had been completely dark . Not to mention my mom had to complain about every little thing . The air conditioner wasn 't working in the lobby , so she complained about that . The bathroom was " too small , " the orange juice was hot , the room wasn 't clean enough , the hospitality room was too small , the owners weren 't nice enough . . she complained about absolutely everything . And then that morning when we wanted to go shopping my mom made us put everything in the closet because " someone would steal it . " Then we went shopping . I got to go to the Carter 's Outlet ! That part was fun for me . . I got Grace six new outfits , a pair of shorts , and a pair of shoes for $ 60 ! And one of those outfit is going to be her birthday outfit ! Here is a pic of it . . Then we went to eat at this restaurant that was pretty neat . It was on the water and it had these enormous tables , but of course my mom didn 't like the restaurant for some unknown reason . . the food tasted great to me ! Then we went to a Christmas shop and I got Grace a bowl with her name on it , a keychain with her name on it , a necklace with a G on it , a bracelet with her birthstone in it ( the jewelry is actually for babies . It 's so cute ! ) , and an ornament with her name on it ( I love monogrammed stuff ) ! We also went to a toy shop where I got Grace a different keychain with her name on it . Then we went to this little kid amusement park type thing for my sister , but my mom started complaining about how she was hurting and feeling sick , so we had to go back to the room after my sister only got to ride two rides . My mom and my grandmother both went to sleep so I took my sister and Grace swimming ( my sister swam by herself with her floaty ) . When we went back up there my grandmother was in mine and Grace 's bed . . . my mom complained that the bed wasn 't big enough for both of them , so my grandmother got pushed into our bed : ( At least Grace actually went to bed around 11 that night . Then the next morning we went to see the Titanic replica . I thought it was really neat ! They gave us a ticket with the name of an actual passenger on there . The lady even gave Grace one . On the ticket it had some facts about the people . . like a background story , how old they were , where they were from , and what class they were in on the boat . Then at the end you went into the memorial room and they had a list of survivors and deceased on the wall , and you could find your name . All of us lived except for my sister . . and Grace had a son that lived too . I did learn that they locked the third class passengers down in the boat , and I almost wanted to cry . . who are they to play God ? Why do they get to say that someone who is third class doesn 't deserve to live as much as someone who was 1st class ? They even had a set of stair with a door blocked by bAfter that we went to TGI Fridays . It was really good ! Then we went to a wine place , and I got Grace a cup with her name on it , and I got a caramel apple ! Then we went back to that amusement park and I got to ride a water boat thing and an awesome go cart course with my sister . That was pretty fun . Of course the day was filled with complaining by everyone who could . I am pretty sure Grace had a good time though . And I did have a good time shopping , swimming , riding , and going to the Titanic . Then we drove home . Grace went to sleep and I did too lol . Then I woke up to her crying : ( She wanted out of the seat so bad , but we still had like 20 minutes until we got home . She was so glad to be home . Then Chris showed up to see us . It was really sweet . . he came to welcome us home . I didn 't even know he was coming . . I love surprises . He stayed til like 1 am . I wanted him to stay so bad , but I knew my mom wouldn 't go for that so he had to go home : ( Pictures ! ! ! ! ! ! We are leaving around 11 am tomorrow morning and I can 't wait . At first I thought I was going to have to drive and take my tiny car , but my nana got her air conditioner fixed ! ! She has a van , so there will be plenty of room and I will be able to sit with Grace ! I have already packed everything up , and believe me that took forever . Packing for a baby is ridiculous ! Grace has six bags ( they aren 't big bags though ) , and box of food and formula , her stroller , and two jugs of water ! All I 'm taking is a fan , a pillow , and one bag . . High maintenance baby lol . I really can 't wait though ! It is going to be soooo much fun : ) Today we went to a family cookout for the fourth of July . We went to Chris ' uncles house , and they have a pool , so of course Grace had to swim lol . It was a lot of fun . The picture above is of her in her fourth of July outfit ! She was festive lol . After we left there I went to Wal - Mart to pick up the stuff we need for tomorrow like diapers and stuff , and Chris came with us . Grace was getting fussy , so he got her out and he said he was taking her to the toys . When he came back he had this little baby piano in his hand and he said " she likes it so she going to get it . " He bought it for her . . It was so cute ! He took her and let her pick out a toy and then he bought it for her . . I was so impressed . He has never done anything like that , and it was just so sweet . She really does like the toy too . To me that shows that he is maturing . He spent some money on his daughter instead of spending it all on himself . Also . . side note on the Kevin thing . . I think Chris was right . Chris has always said that Kevin still likes me , but I always just blew it off . . now I think he was right . Kevin has texted me every single day for about 8 days now . I never start the conversation , and if I don 't reply he will text me again saying " what 's up " or " hey " about 30 minutes later . He has also told me that he is looking for a girl to settle down with , always thought I was cute , and that I am perfect , but the weirdest thing was I was talking about my car and he goes " dodge neon right ? " Before Chris moved out about a month ago I drove his car since mine wasn 't working right , which is a Dodge Neon . . I was like " That 's Chris ' car , but how did you know that ? " and he goes " I just have a good memory I guess . " Except he has never seen that car with us around . I can only think of two times I saw him when I was with Chris . . one was my birthday a couple of years ago , but we were in my moms van , and the other was at 1890 's Day that same year , and we were walking around . . didn 't even have the car with us . It really freaked me out because about a month ago Chris came over and started drilling me about having someone over . I hadn 't had anyone over so I was completely confused , and Chris was like " I just saw Kevin walking down the street as I was driving up . " You 're probably thinking he could have been visiting someone else or something except I live on a dead end street with a bunch of old people who have lived here longer than I have , and I know he doesn 't know any of them . I pretty much thought Chris was lying because that was when he had just moved out and we were on rocky terms , so I thought he was trying to get me to say I was seeing Kevin or something , but now I 'm not so sure . . I 'm kind of seriously freaked . I mean maybe he saw me out driving in it one day , but why would he not just say that ? Why say he has a good memory ? I don 't know . . it kind of makes me look over my shoulder when I go outside now . . just a little strange . |
So on our anniversary Chris , Grace , and I went to eat at Chili 's , which was yum ! And then we drove over to the mall near our apartment . He had never been before , and I hadn 't been in a long time , but it was actually a pretty decent mall . . it was no Hamilton Place , but I would probably say it was equal with Northgate if not better . We checked out the shops , and we were going to get our pictures done in one of those little photo booths , but it was out of order : ( Then we went home so Grace could take a nap , and then we went to Morgan 's . She had invited us to a dinner party at her new apartment ( I think I 've talked about her before , she has a baby just a couple months older than Grace name Christian ) . At first it was fun . She was there with Christian and her bf Josh , and there was another couple there who had a precious 2 week old baby . She was tiny ! And they had another girl their age with them . We all ate and talked about parenthood , and watched Grace and Christian play ( Grace LOVES to play with Christian because they are on the same level developmentally ) . Then the other couple and their friend said they had to leave to take the baby to the girl 's mom 's house to spend the night . It kind of shocked me that they were leaving her overnight at such a young age . Grace has never stayed the night anywhere , but I just figured every person did things differently . They said they would be coming back later , and when they did they had alcohol with them . I was a little surprised that Morgan didn 't mind it in her house because I would not want it in mine , but of course it wasn 't my place to say anything . The guy was drinking a beer so I assumed it was for him ( keep in mind none of these people were 21 ) . Josh ( Morgan 's boyfriend ) kept talking about how he wanted to rent Bounty Hunter and asked Chris and the other guy if he wanted to ride with him to go get it . While they were gone the two girls started doing shots right in front of Grace ! ! They were popping them back like it was nothing , and the one girl was breast feeding her baby . You may be thinking . . maybe it was just a one time thing . . but she started talking about how she was doing shots the day before . And I witnessed this girl pumping her breastmilk to give to her baby . I am not sure how long breastmilk stays in your system but if she was drinking like she says she was I am pretty sure she was probably giving some to her baby . . And then the other girl kept trying to play with Grace , and she was drunk ! She was stumbling everywhOh and coincidentally . . the girl who was breastfeeding and popping back a shot a minute . . her name was Jenelle . Apparently if your name is Jenelle you are destined to be a bad mom . At one point we were sitting in the living room and she asked Morgan and me if we ever regretted having a baby so young ? ? ? I mean her baby is only two weeks old and she is regretting her ? And she said she breaks down crying all the time ? I only broke down and cried once , and that was when I was at the worst part of my breastfeeding experience , sleep deprived , and Grace had RSV so she needed extra care and we couldn 't leave the house at all , and I only cried for a few minutes and I was good . I feel so bad for that poor girl 's baby . There were two girls that lived beneath us and the other day one kicked the other one our . The girl was parked right under our bedroom window so I heard every last bit of the blow out . They were screaming bloody murder at each other , and the one that got kicked out has a little girl about 3 years old , and they were screaming right in front of her , but the girl got in her car and left . Then two nights ago she came back for her stuff , and the world must have come to an end because we could here things banging off the walls , people screaming , and the little girl crying . Then they took it outside , the were literally trying to kill each other , and the poor little girl was screaming hysterically ! They didn 't even care about here . There is a girl who lives across the hall from them and she came out to comfort the little girl . For about 5 minutes we just listened until they started hitting each other and then I called 911 . I figured by the time the police got there they would have stopped fighting , but the police actually had to break them up ! ! They police were there for over an hour and they had to bring an ambulance and everything . It was crazy ! I just hope that girl doesn 't come around anymore and try to start trouble . I 'm not sure if they got arrested or sent to the hospital or what , but it was scary . She is also taking steps with her push walker now ! ! And cruising pretty well . And her top left center tooth came through last week ! ! She is growing up so fast ! ! ! Tomorrow is mine and Chris ' 3 year anniversary ( we decided to use the original date despite the break up because we didn 't want to get confused , and weren 't even broken up for a month ) . We are not sure what we are going to do yet because we do not have much money this month and we will have Grace with us . We are probably going to go eat and check out some of the parks where we live , but I am still excited : ) More pics : ) : ) So we are all settled in now . I had pics , but I am dumb and forgot to put the memory card in my camera so they are saved to my camera instead of a memory card , so I can 't put them on the computer because the camera cord is at the apartment and I am at my moms . I just finished orientation for college . Grace stayed with my mom today . . it was the longest I have ever left her anywhere . . about 9 hours : ( But I got all my classes scheduled . I go Monday through Thursday for 12 : 15 to 2 : 55 , so it 's really not that bad . I was surprised . . I really thought it would be like six hours a day . But she said that was full time so that is fine with me ! As far as the apartment goes . . everything is set up now . We ended not getting that entertainment center , because Chris ' mom gave us one for free . It 's kind of old and ugly , but it was free so it works for now . Less money we have to spend . I also got my bookshelf and all the picture frames up , so everything is done . The cable / internet people are coming the 26th , but I still won 't have internet until the 7th of next month because I don 't get my laptop until the 6th of next month ( tax free day . . I planned that on purpose so I don 't have to pay the tax money ) . We are also getting a table soon that Chris ' mom found for us . I am kind of nervous about it because I haven 't seen it yet , but again . . it 's free . So I will live with whatever it is lol . We still need a toy box , lots of electrical outlet covers , and some curtains , but those aren 't mandatory things . We probably won 't be able to get those things for awhile because we have tons of birthdays coming up ! My mom 's , sister 's , and Christian 's ( Morgan 's son ) are all next month , Sami 's is in September , and Cayle is having his party in October , and then there is Grace 's and Chris ' in November , so we are birthday booked lol . I 'm excited though ! Hopefully I will get to post pics of the finished product soon . My friend Ashley is coming over tonight to see it . She will be our first house guest since we got it all together : ) We are adjusting to life fairly well at our new place . We are almost completely settled in . As you can probably tell from the pic the living room is the only room not finished . We are getting our entertainment center , bookshelf , and the TV for our room today so I can finally get the rest set up ! Also we need a toy box for Grace 's room because we don 't have anywhere to put her toys . . That 's what is in those boxes under her bed . There is also three boxes of toys in the closet lol . The girl is spoiled . We have met a few of our neighbors . They seem nice . A couple of guys even offered to help Chris carry some stuff in . And yesterday I saw six kids playing outside ! Only one of them looked to be about Grace 's age , and it was a boy . There was a girl , but she look about 2 or 3 . I really just can 't wait until we have everything settled in . I loved cooking dinner last night . I never thought I would enjoy cooking and cleaning , but I even liked washing the dishes with Chris . I 'm sure that will wear off soon though lol . Grace is still getting used to it . She likes her room because she can actually get to all the toys . Words can 't even explain how excited I am ! The guy called this morning and said everything checked out , and it was definitely going to be ours ! ! Now all he has to do is get the carpet in . . he didn 't want to put it in unless we were for sure getting it . The guy was supposed to do it today , but we haven 't heard anything . . they also have to put in the dishwasher , and put on the shower head , and put on the closet doors . So I will understand if it takes them a few days , but I realllllly hope it doesn 't ! Tomorrow is my only completely free day . I have to go take my compass test for school ( bummer ) on Wednesday , and I have to go renew our WIC on Thursday ( which always takes hours . . ) , then as long as it doesn 't rain I will have to work Friday . . I really hope we can start taking stuff tomorrow . Chris is going to look at an entertainment center tomorrow morning . We thought we were going to be able to use the one at my house , but it doesn 't fit the tv : ( We looked on criagslist and found a nice one for a pretty good deal so Chris is going to check it out tomorrow . In other news . . Chris went to traffic court today for his reckless driving ticket . That is one thing I was terrified about . We had $ 500 put away for the fine , but he could also face losing his license , going to driving school , or even going to jail . I went with him and I am glad I did . The first guy to go up there was going like 20 something miles over the speed limit and had 6 prior tickets . He never said yes sir or yes ma ' am , and he lied ( you could tell he was lying ) , so pretty much as soon as he got up there the judge asked for his license . Of course the guy " didn 't have it " because it had been " stolen . " But I was terrified at that point ! He was so harsh on that guy , and I just new that he was going to be harsh on Chris . He even played a video of a person not even going as fast as that guy who slammed into a school bus . Luckily none of the children were hurt , but the three people in the car were killed . The video was caught by one of the speed cams in Chattanooga ( about 15 minutes from my house ) . Chris was called up after that guy . The judge read what happened and asked him to explain himself . Chris actually did very well . He just told the truth , and he said yes sir and yes ma ' am ( the person who swore him in was a woman ) . Chris told him it was a bit of road rage , so the judge started asking him if he had anger problems , he told him no . And somehow they got on the subject of us fixing to move to Dalton . The judge asked him if his fiance was here and he said yes , and the judge made me come up there ! He asked me if Chris ever had any anger problems towards me . . I told him no . Then the judge told Chris that since he was trying to make a life for his family he was going to reduce his charge to " too fast for conditions " in case Chris ever tried to get a job that required driving ( you can 't get one if you have reckless driving on your record ) . That helped us out soooo much ! The fine was only $ 200 and that included court costs . Chris also said after seeing that video he never wanted to speed again . We 'll see how that goes because he has a bit of a lead foot , but he has gotten a lot better since the baby was born . He got that ticket when we were broken up . So then we had $ 300 extra that we didn 't think we would so we went to Wal - Mart and got Grace a night stand type thing , a microwave , some tupperware , a strainer , and a measuring cup ( I plan on doing lots of cooking ) . All that was only $ 80 though , so we still have $ 220 extra , which is a blessing ! Because we still need a couch and kitchen table and chairs , and that will help . Also , my mom is coming around somewhat . As I suspected she wasn 't too happy about the whole thing . . still isn 't , but I wasn 't going to be living here forever whether I had a baby or not . She 's being nicer tonight though . She called me while I was at Chris ' and said that she would give me the spice rack she has , and some other stuff . She pretty much said I could have whatever I wanted . I 'm not going to take all her stuff , but I do want the spice rack lol . She has three so I don 't think it would make much of a difference . Lastly , I have about 20 boxes packed ! Still a ton more stuff to go . I used all my boxes , so Morgan brought me six more today . I already have boxes stacked everywhere . I don 't know where I am going to put more lol . I really hope we can move in soon . Still haven 't heard anything from the guy yet , but everyone is reassuring me that it is the weekend , and I just need to give him a little time lol . He did say that he wouldn 't take our deposit if he wasn 't going to give it to us , but I guess it all just seems so surreal to me . It 's like I have wanted this for so long , and I am terrified that it is going to get ripped away from me . It better not though because I am going to have a lot of unpacking to do . I already have six boxes packed . All things we don 't use at the moment of course . Like stuffed animals , kitchen stuff , and bathroom stuff . I also went to Wal - Mart today and got some small things . . like our own shampoo , soap , gloves for washing dishes . . things like that . Also Grace broke her little change bank the other day ( she knocked it off the night stand ) , so I wanted to get her a new one . . we went over there and looked at them , but I didn 't have the money for one today . Chris took it from me and put it in the cart , and I was like " what are you doing ? " And he said he was going to buy it for her . He has been so sweet to both of us these last few weeks . So now she will have a pretty piggy bank to put in her room : ) That is a pic of it that I got off Walmart . com . I love it ! Also we actually have a lot more furniture than I thought . We have a bed for us , a bed for Grace , a bookshelf for us , a bookshelf for Grace , a high chair , a dresser for us , a dresser for Grace , an entertainment center , two tvs , a coffee table , several large toys for Grace , and Grace 's bathtub . All we really need is a couch , a kitchen table and chairs , and two night stands ( one for us and one for Grace ) . We also need smaller things like trash cans and a microwave . Chris ' mom is actually helping us out and letting us have Chris ' bed and dresser ( we are going to leave my bed for my sister ) , she is also giving us the coffee table , some dishes , and some pots and pans . No telling what else she 'll get before we actually move out . They are also going to help us move by letting us use her SUV and her husbands truck to haul stuff in . His mom is super excited about us moving out , but she doesn 't like that we are moving further away . I told Chris to tell her we would go eat dinner with them once a week if that made it easier , and as long as we could go see my family too . Maybe I should make it alternating weeks . . once with my family , once with his ? On the other hand I don 't think my mom will take it too well . I am going to tell her tonight , but I don 't think she will take it well . I 'm not sure if she will be sad or mad , but I don 't like either one . I have never not lived in the same house as her so I think it will be hard on her . I 'm nervous to tell her , but I know I have to . She will be happy for us one day when we prove we are capable , but I think she 's worried we will end up on the streets or fighting all the time or something . The apartment near Gracie Rd . didn 't work out . . the guy wouldn 't call us back , so we started looking on Craigslist again , and I found an apartment in Dalton . It 's a little bit away from my family . . probably 20 minutes , and about 35 minutes away from Chris ' family , but it is only three miles from Dalton State ! ( That 's where I am going to be starting college in the fall ) . The guy was very nice to us , he showed us around and let us take pictures . There was no carpet in the living room , but he is going to put it in , so we will have new carpet ! It already has new new paint and a new dishwasher . It 's $ 550 a month , but that covers water , garbage , and . . . electric ! Up to $ 85 , but I highly doubt we will use more than that . The bathroom , living room , and kitchen are all good sized , and there is a bigger bed room and a smaller bed room . We filled out the application and put down a $ 200 deposit , and the guy told us that as long as everything checked out it was ours ! ! ! ! It really finally is going to happen . I have to start packing and buying . He said the apartment will be ready next week and we can move in as soon as it is ! I am soooooooo excited ! I am sad though because I won 't be living close to TN anymore . . I am so used to just being able to drive up there in 15 minutes . I 'm glad I only have to go there one day a week for work ! I truly do believe Chris has matured more then I ever thought he would . When his grandpa died he got his step - dad 's truck ( his step - dad got his grandpa 's ) , and before we separated all Chris talked about was how he was going to fix it up and show it off . Well while we were on vacation Chris sold it for about $ 2000 ( it wasn 't the nicest truck in the world ) , and he last night he told me that we were going to start looking for apartments because that would cover first months rent , the security deposits , and the electric bill and deposit . We will have enough for the bills each month , but if he hadn 't sold the car we wouldn 't have been able to afford the deposits . Next month I will be getting my grants for school and we are going to use some of that to buy furniture ( I will have plenty left over ) . We went and looked at a place today that his mom sent us too , but it was not right for us at all . It was tiny . . there was only one bed room , and you had to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom . The only thing I like was that it had a washer and dryer . SO we looked on Craigslist . . at first we saw that place that Brittany was going to move into , but it 's not exactly where we want to live since the landlord tried to pull one over on Brittany and Jessie . Then we found a place that is still in Ringgold , it 's $ 430 a month with water and garbage included , it 's a two bedroom , and it 's on a quiet street . We are going to go see it tomorrow ! And we looked up the directions on Google Maps so we would know how to get there and the street right next to it is called Gracie Lane . It 's like it 's a sign or something . I don 't know . . I just have this feeling that this is going to be the place . I really hope it is . If we like it we are going to put in an application immediately ! Chris has good credit so we shouldn 't have any problems there . I was just really impressed with Chris . . usually I would have to suggest something like that and we would fight over it , but he put his family before himself , and actually stepped up to the plate . Now we may be able to live together again . I reallllllllllllllllllly hope this works out . I have been wanting this for a long time . It is my dream to be our own little family . Also today we went over to Chris ' to go look at that apartment . After we looked he wanted to take me to a movie . We went to see Eclipse . . yes I am a Twilight fan , but not the movies . . the books . This movie did surprise me though . It was actually pretty good . It may just be that I finished the books about two years ago , so I don 't remember all the details , but this movie seemed to follow the book a little bit better . Still can 't stand their choice for Edward though ! Yuck ! Now Taylor Lautner on the other hand . . Chris and I both have one famous person who we like and he is mine ! Lol . Then Chris took me to eat at TGI Fridays : ) Yum ! Then we went and looked at some furniture . We found a couch we like , but it may be the same one Brittany has lol . . Our living rooms may look alike . The first day was nice . . we checked into the hotel and got all our stuff in . We rested for a few minutes and watched some tv and then we all went swimming . Grace is actually starting to kick her feet in the water . I think she is going to be a natural swimmer . After we got done swimming we went to the room and ate some food . That was pretty much the end of the fun . . My mom and my grandmother don 't agree on how my mom raises Cheyenne . . which honestly I don 't either . . she will be five in a month and she still drinks from a bottle , sucks on a pacifier , and isn 't potty trained . . plus she whines constantly . . so my mom and my grandmother were constantly fighting about that and my sister would get upset and start crying . . Then that night Grace didn 't want to go to sleep because she was in a new place , so we were up half the night . . and then at like 1 am my sister started whining about wanting a bottle and wanting to go home . . my mom didn 't even say anything to her , and all my grandmother did was tell her to hush 27 times so I ended up having to try to take care of her and Grace . Then after Grace finally went to sleep at 3 am my mom got up at 6 : 30 and pulled the curtains open and woke Grace up with the bright light because the room had been completely dark . Not to mention my mom had to complain about every little thing . The air conditioner wasn 't working in the lobby , so she complained about that . The bathroom was " too small , " the orange juice was hot , the room wasn 't clean enough , the hospitality room was too small , the owners weren 't nice enough . . she complained about absolutely everything . And then that morning when we wanted to go shopping my mom made us put everything in the closet because " someone would steal it . " Then we went shopping . I got to go to the Carter 's Outlet ! That part was fun for me . . I got Grace six new outfits , a pair of shorts , and a pair of shoes for $ 60 ! And one of those outfit is going to be her birthday outfit ! Here is a pic of it . . Then we went to eat at this restaurant that was pretty neat . It was on the water and it had these enormous tables , but of course my mom didn 't like the restaurant for some unknown reason . . the food tasted great to me ! Then we went to a Christmas shop and I got Grace a bowl with her name on it , a keychain with her name on it , a necklace with a G on it , a bracelet with her birthstone in it ( the jewelry is actually for babies . It 's so cute ! ) , and an ornament with her name on it ( I love monogrammed stuff ) ! We also went to a toy shop where I got Grace a different keychain with her name on it . Then we went to this little kid amusement park type thing for my sister , but my mom started complaining about how she was hurting and feeling sick , so we had to go back to the room after my sister only got to ride two rides . My mom and my grandmother both went to sleep so I took my sister and Grace swimming ( my sister swam by herself with her floaty ) . When we went back up there my grandmother was in mine and Grace 's bed . . . my mom complained that the bed wasn 't big enough for both of them , so my grandmother got pushed into our bed : ( At least Grace actually went to bed around 11 that night . Then the next morning we went to see the Titanic replica . I thought it was really neat ! They gave us a ticket with the name of an actual passenger on there . The lady even gave Grace one . On the ticket it had some facts about the people . . like a background story , how old they were , where they were from , and what class they were in on the boat . Then at the end you went into the memorial room and they had a list of survivors and deceased on the wall , and you could find your name . All of us lived except for my sister . . and Grace had a son that lived too . I did learn that they locked the third class passengers down in the boat , and I almost wanted to cry . . who are they to play God ? Why do they get to say that someone who is third class doesn 't deserve to live as much as someone who was 1st class ? They even had a set of stair with a door blocked by bAfter that we went to TGI Fridays . It was really good ! Then we went to a wine place , and I got Grace a cup with her name on it , and I got a caramel apple ! Then we went back to that amusement park and I got to ride a water boat thing and an awesome go cart course with my sister . That was pretty fun . Of course the day was filled with complaining by everyone who could . I am pretty sure Grace had a good time though . And I did have a good time shopping , swimming , riding , and going to the Titanic . Then we drove home . Grace went to sleep and I did too lol . Then I woke up to her crying : ( She wanted out of the seat so bad , but we still had like 20 minutes until we got home . She was so glad to be home . Then Chris showed up to see us . It was really sweet . . he came to welcome us home . I didn 't even know he was coming . . I love surprises . He stayed til like 1 am . I wanted him to stay so bad , but I knew my mom wouldn 't go for that so he had to go home : ( Pictures ! ! ! ! ! ! We are leaving around 11 am tomorrow morning and I can 't wait . At first I thought I was going to have to drive and take my tiny car , but my nana got her air conditioner fixed ! ! She has a van , so there will be plenty of room and I will be able to sit with Grace ! I have already packed everything up , and believe me that took forever . Packing for a baby is ridiculous ! Grace has six bags ( they aren 't big bags though ) , and box of food and formula , her stroller , and two jugs of water ! All I 'm taking is a fan , a pillow , and one bag . . High maintenance baby lol . I really can 't wait though ! It is going to be soooo much fun : ) Today we went to a family cookout for the fourth of July . We went to Chris ' uncles house , and they have a pool , so of course Grace had to swim lol . It was a lot of fun . The picture above is of her in her fourth of July outfit ! She was festive lol . After we left there I went to Wal - Mart to pick up the stuff we need for tomorrow like diapers and stuff , and Chris came with us . Grace was getting fussy , so he got her out and he said he was taking her to the toys . When he came back he had this little baby piano in his hand and he said " she likes it so she going to get it . " He bought it for her . . It was so cute ! He took her and let her pick out a toy and then he bought it for her . . I was so impressed . He has never done anything like that , and it was just so sweet . She really does like the toy too . To me that shows that he is maturing . He spent some money on his daughter instead of spending it all on himself . Also . . side note on the Kevin thing . . I think Chris was right . Chris has always said that Kevin still likes me , but I always just blew it off . . now I think he was right . Kevin has texted me every single day for about 8 days now . I never start the conversation , and if I don 't reply he will text me again saying " what 's up " or " hey " about 30 minutes later . He has also told me that he is looking for a girl to settle down with , always thought I was cute , and that I am perfect , but the weirdest thing was I was talking about my car and he goes " dodge neon right ? " Before Chris moved out about a month ago I drove his car since mine wasn 't working right , which is a Dodge Neon . . I was like " That 's Chris ' car , but how did you know that ? " and he goes " I just have a good memory I guess . " Except he has never seen that car with us around . I can only think of two times I saw him when I was with Chris . . one was my birthday a couple of years ago , but we were in my moms van , and the other was at 1890 's Day that same year , and we were walking around . . didn 't even have the car with us . It really freaked me out because about a month ago Chris came over and started drilling me about having someone over . I hadn 't had anyone over so I was completely confused , and Chris was like " I just saw Kevin walking down the street as I was driving up . " You 're probably thinking he could have been visiting someone else or something except I live on a dead end street with a bunch of old people who have lived here longer than I have , and I know he doesn 't know any of them . I pretty much thought Chris was lying because that was when he had just moved out and we were on rocky terms , so I thought he was trying to get me to say I was seeing Kevin or something , but now I 'm not so sure . . I 'm kind of seriously freaked . I mean maybe he saw me out driving in it one day , but why would he not just say that ? Why say he has a good memory ? I don 't know . . it kind of makes me look over my shoulder when I go outside now . . just a little strange . |
When Sam got home , he went to his office . He had a long day at work , and he had a bad headache . He picked up a glass and poured a small amo . . . The kiss the act of love . The moment where time not only freezes around you , but almost does not excise . Kiss of passion between two people who are completely and underlie in love with each other and full of passion that they can 't stop . This happens when two people male , female , gay , straight , Bi . Love is love no matter who it is with and a kiss between two people is beautiful no matter who they are . Love is confusing sometimes , but in the end it is one of the most amazing things we humans will know . So go on and keep kissing whoever you love there is nothing wrong with it . Tammy came home from school to hear the sounds of his parent 's fighting . She was happy to tell her parents ; she won two awards from school . When Tammy walked into her house , and the sound of her parents flooded the house . Tammy went into the kitchen where her parents were they stopped fighting , and she handed them the awards ; she won that day at school . Tammy 's dad and mother both looked at her . " Honey go to your room , your mother and I need to talk . " Her father says to her . Tammy hands them the papers and her father takes them and sets them down without even looking at them . He then points to Tammy 's room to go to . Tammy turns and walks to her room with her head held down . She does not understand why they are mad she just won three awards at school today . When she closes her door , she hears her parents go back at fighting again . She gets on her bed and starts to cry . No matter what she do her parents fight either about money or something else . She feels as if it is all her fault that they are fighting . " I wish I could go somewhere else and never hear them fight " She tells her stuffed bunny . Then she starts to see weird light coming from her closet . She sees light coming from the bought of the door arrange of all different colors . Then she starts to hear music coming from the door as well very soothing calming music . She got up and wanted to tell her parents about it , so she went to her bedroom door and looked out and her parents she yelled for them . " Honey in a minute just play with your toys . " Her mother yelled at her . She closed her bedroom door and went over to her closet , which still had colorful light coming from underneath the door . She could hear the music coming from inside . She went to her bed and grabbed her bear and went to the closet door . When she touched the doorknob , a warm feeling came over her . She slowly opened the door and when it was fully open , she was looking at a field of flowers and a castle also she could see other kids running around having fun . She walked in , and she stepped foot into the flower field . Right behind her the door closed and disappeared . Then a person in a bunny suit came up to her and said , " Welcome young girl I will show you around this place of happiness . My name is Benny the Bunny " He took her hand and walked with her through the field of flowers . He showed her to all the children that was playing in the fields . After her parents stopped fighting they both thought it was way to quit in their daughter 's room , so they both went to her room to check on her . She was not in her bed , and the closet door was closed . They went to open the closet to see if she was hiding in there . When they opened it , a very bad potent smell came out and on the floor was tons of dead flowers and a mask of a bunny . The father quickly dialed the police . The mother bends down trying not to gag from the smell and picks up the bunny 's head on the inside of the head is a name . " Benny the Bunny " she says out loud . Then a cold breeze out of nowhere feels the room . The father tries to take a picture of the head , but his phone dies before he could take a picture . The mother was so much pain not knowing where her daughter is she busted out crying and sobbing for her daughter . When the police arrived , they also tried to take a picture of the mask but their cameras all went dead or malfunction . After a day , the head disappeared , and they still could not take a single picture of the head . When Sam got home , he went to his office . He had a long day at work , and he had a bad headache . He picked up a glass and poured a small amount of brandy into it and took a sip . He sat down in his chair to relax . Then he heard a loud crash and a bang coming from upstairs . He quickly got up and left his office to see what it was . His first thought was his wife Susan must have left their bedroom window open again . He walked up the stairs with his glass of brandy in his hand and went to his bedroom and open the door sure enough he saw the window was wide open he took a step in and heard some glass shatter under his shoe . He turned on the light and when he did his glass fell out of his hand and shattered against the hardwood floor . There was blood all over the room on the walls and the ceiling a body that had no face was all cut up . He then saw movement near the bed it was a little girl about six or seven her hands were covered in blood , and her yellow dress was covered in blood as well . " I tried to play doctor , but she died . " Then a clown stepped out of the bathroom ; the clown was covered in blood as well his chest was bleeding . They took a step toward Sam and he backwards and turned and ran downstairs and out the kitchen door . It was a dark night the moon was a quarter full , and the street lights were out . Sam ran in the middle of the road yelling for help . He ran as fast as he could , and he could hear the little girl and clown running after him . He ran towards a gas station which was empty , which was weird , but he just needed a hone to use to call his wife and the police . He found a phone behind the counter and dialed his wife 's number first . A wave of relief came over him as he heard the phone ringing . Then he heard his wife 's voice answer the phone . " This is not funny who ever this is . My husband died five years ago at our neighbor 's birthday party . When a man shot him in the head and shot the clown in the chest . The girl died of poison that was in her food . This is sick you know that just sick and twisted joke . Call me again I will call the police on you . " Then she hung up the phone . Sam was at a birthday party today . Then he started to feel very cold , and a chill ran down his back . He felt as if someone was watching him . He looked right behind him was the little girl and the clown . " Mr . Nutter 's is wondering if you would like to be our friend ? " He looked at both of them now they were no longer covered in blood . The clown Mr . Nutter 's had a hole in his chest . He felt his head and right there on his forehead was a small hole . He started to tear up . " We did not mean to scare you . " Mr . Nutters shook his head and gave Sam a tissue . Sam stretched out in the branch in the tree on a hot summer day making sure he does not fall . He sits there listening to music trying to escape from reality . The tree is deep in the woods where most people can 't find of him . He found out his parents are getting a divorce . So much has happened , he had to run out of his house and run into the woods at a local park . The boy in the tree wakes up and heads home when he gets there his parents are nowhere to be found . No lights are on in the house nothing . It is as if they just left and forgot all about him . He goes to his room and lays on his bed . The parents are out hunting for their son , and the police and neighbors are helping the look . Someone says that they saw the boy in the park , so they all head to the park . When they get there they see no one but at the edge of the park , they see the boys bike . The boy in the bed wakes up to a very bright light shining in his room . He can 't make it out , but he can tell that it is a person . The light deems , and the boy sees that it is his best friend standing there . Her hair was golden blonde and wearing a white gown . He get 's up off his bed and runs to her and gives her a hug . The girl could not speak , around her throat , he saw hand marks . The police dog starts to bark , and the parents run to where the dog is barking and there under the tree lays the boy . His mother runs to him screaming and so does his father . And then off , in the distance , the police found the father of the boy 's friend digging a hole and found his best friend 's body . The parents start crying as the police call for an ambulance to come to the park . The boy gives his best friend a hug and starts to cry she starts to cry as well . They don 't want to let go of each other . The girl then says , " It is not your time to go where I am going . Your parents need you here . I will watch over you . " The girl kisses him , and the light around her starts to get bright until the boy has to close his eyes . The boy jolts up as he in the ambulance as they were about to pronounce him dead . " Dad and mom I love you . My friend is here . " He looks at his parents , and he sees his friend sitting next to his dad ; she is transparent . We make choices and decisions throughout the day and throughout the year and decades we live . We wonder and hope if we make the right decisions , and sometimes we fall and stumble . We try to move on and look past our mistakes , but sometimes we can 't hide from it because always wonder what " if . " The " if " we are wanting an answer to will never come because if you keep looking into the past you have not learned from it . The " if " we should look at is " If I made this choice in the past make sure I don 't do it again and help others with the same problems . " That if in your life change it into an action not just a thought . Move on from the mistakes of your past . Everyone has made a mistake , and we all need to learn from it . Kate was standing on the roof on the skyscraper looking down at the traffic hoping her life would get better . She had a black rose in one hand and a red one in the other . She was shivering from the cold wind blowing on her back and the snow falling from the sky . Her hair was blowing in the wind . Then she dropped the red rose and watched fall from her hands and to the ground . No one seem to notice that she was on the roof of the building . The teardrop from her eye fell onto the black rose , and then she dropped it . She was trying so hard to hold her tears back , but she couldn 't . She felt like a freak of nature , and she knew once people start to know about her secret then she will be made fun of , and it will never stop . She took a step closer to the ledge . Then she jumped off with no fear only sadness for what she is . Then moments before she hit the ground , she took off her over shirt and made her wings come out and flew off into the cold moonlight . No one , not a single soul seemed to notice . She flew off to somewhere anywhere but her city . He warned her about the book when she went to pick it up , but she did not care she liked the look of it . She soon bought it and took it to her house and started to read the book . From the moment , she started to read the book she felt drawn to the book as if she has been living just to read this book . The book started out about how the world might end and the weird things that might happen . Then it went into talking about plants and a new world , one that seem to be very different in a place that might exist in the future . She loved how descriptive the book was about the buildings and how everything would be . She was so drawn into the book . Then when she put down the book and looked up for the first time since she started to read the book , she noticed that things were different in her room . She got out of her bed and looked around she went to the window and looked out and to her surprise , she was looking out at the city that she was reading about . The city had walls put up all around the city . The city was like a circle , and the buildings were so tall . In the middle of the city was a dome that had steam coming out of it . Brianna was in shock she is within the book . She is in the future . She walked out of her room and walked out into the kitchen . The TV was like a piece of paper so then , and it covered the wall . Brianna remembered that there were these contacts everyone had to wear to go anywhere . The contacts are like a computer and a GPS . The contacts are how you know who is who without asking them . It also allows the government to know where you are at all times and also allows help to get to you quicker if you are in emergency . Brianna went to her room and looked around and right on the dresser was the contacts she put them on and right when she did she could see a bit better . She looked at the book and read a bit more . She found out that the city is not what it seems it might look like a great place to live , but it is not . The people work 17 hours a day . People are on a waiting list to see a doctor and people that do see a doctor must have a lot of money because the bill for having a doctor is extremely high . Children start school at the age of 7 , and they are forced to go live at the private arena which is not in the city it is a few miles outside of the city , but it is like the city . Kids go to school for 14 years . Brianna stopped reading and went to the living room and sat down in the couch . She looked out of the windows , and she could see the whole city . Brianna got up and went to the door and left she took the elevator which was all glass you could she the ground below you and everything around you as well . She was on the 45th floor . She got to the first floor ; she could find her way around the lobby . She then left the building and walked outside . She saw riots and people living on the streets . She found out that the world went wrong when a scientist was trying to make plants grow faster , and the chemical fell onto plants during an earthquake and plants all around the world was effected once it got into the atmosphere . When she got back to her bedroom , she went to her book and when she opened it , a flash of light came out and when she opened her eyes , she was back in her own world . Eight years after Brianna was in a meeting ; she is a scientist who studies plants . A man was wanting to give a preview of what he has created to help plants . A guy came out and he said , " Hey this is a thing me and my team has been working on for a few years . We have created a special chemical that will make plants grow four times faster . " Right when he said that she had a huge flashback . She stood up and asked if he has done studies in private rooms . He denied that he has done that and his supervisor said he could do that before showing it to people . Brianna went to her flat and went to her room and found the book she had since she was a little child . She opens the book and quickly closed it . Thought of the book was going threw her head . She could not think that she had a chance to change the future . We all are here for a reason and a purpose we all just need to find out what it is . However , it is not as easy as it sounds . Life can change in a single moment , and maybe you can , or perhaps you can 't do anything about it , but one thing is for sure you must not let the past get to you . No matter what the past has made you who you are today . You can change things , but it might not be as easy as what some people think . You are who you are and no one can change that and let no one change you because you are perfect for the way you are . Aiden knew he could not tell his friends and his family his secret . The thought of them finding out would be horrible . Aiden wish everything could just go back the way it was . He is on the track team and if they found out they would never look at him the same anymore . Aiden went to a party and the secret will soon be exposed and things soon change for him . Aiden laughed at the jokes his friends made and drank but he kept looking at someone across the room , his friends thought it was a girl but it wasn 't it was a guy . After a few minutes the guy noticed and came over to Aiden and kissed him . Someone who saw took a picture . Three days after the party his father found out and started to yell at him . " Are you a fucking queer ? I will never have a queer living under my roof ! " " Fine I am ! " Aiden yelled . Aiden 's mother was standing watching and crying . Aiden packed his stuff and left that night . He left to go to his friends place the only who will still talk to him . That night he was tortured by all the things his father said he checked his cell phone His dad left him a message saying " You will no longer go to school . You will go to a special place to help you . You will not come to any family events until you are cured of that sickness . " Aiden started to cry and left and went to the roof of the building and left a note and jumped . By : Jerome Simar |
I got some new pain pills for the pelvic pain . Unfortunately , they DON ' T work . When I took them last night , on the way home from the store , they never kicked in . I am so bummed about that because this pain is really bad . I can 't get a hold of the OBGYN that I need to so I guess it is the emergency room for me because I can 't handle another day / night of this excruciating pain . I do have a UTI , but that does not explain the pain . I am supposed to have the ultra sound tomorrow . When Tillie arrives today we will head to the hospital . I don 't want to go , but I can 't take the pain anymore . I haven 't really slept in over a week now since the pain started last Monday . On a lighter note , Mom has had her first bath with the hospice aide . She is very nice and thorough . She will do Mom 's hair on Mondays and Fridays because that is what I requested . I don 't think it needs to be done more than that . So far , I like all the hospice people . We are waiting for one more person to arrive today to meet with Mom and I . I think it is the spiritual advisor . I don 't know exactly what he does , but we will find out . Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays will be Mom 's bath days at around 1 pm . I like that they have appointments with us because the other company , you never knew when they would come . It changed from week to week and day to day so your whole day was shot because you couldn 't plan around it . With hospice , it is appointments so you know when they are coming . The nurse will be here either tomorrow or Friday to check on Mom 's sores . I have called , again , the company that the hospital bed is from . They were supposed to call me back in 15 minutes . This was an hour ago . This happened the last few times I called . There is a new hospital bed waiting to be delivered for Mom . I am so unhappy about this because the new bed is waiting to be delivered . They wanted to deliver it yesterday but they can 't until this bed is gone . I want this bed out of my house . I don 't really want the new one , but it is an air type bed which will be better for Mom . It is a special bed for her that will help heal the sores and prevent them from coming back which is exactly what we need . I am not happy that I have to put it in the living room , where I teach but all my students are aware of what is going on so no surprises there . If the kids don 't know , the parents do . I will make the bed up everyday so it will look nice and neat . I don 't like that Mom loses her privacy , but what else can I do ? She is having trouble with the stairs and she needs a bed where she won 't get sores on . I am sure after a few weeks it will be fine and we will both be used to it . I hope your day is going well . It is very nice out here right now . The sun is shining and it is a bit warm , not too warm , but a bit warm . Enough to fill your soul . I feel so much better today ! Tons better ! It is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders . I met with Melissa , the hospice nurse , and she spent about 4 hours here filling out papers , talking , answering questions , even giving Mom her bath since we can 't have the other home care aide do it since we are now a hospice family . It is amazing what they do , simply amazing . I almost cried so many times today from relief . Of everything I done and the decisions I have made , this was the best one yet . They will be here from now until the end so how cool and great is that ? I mean , if she falls , they will be here , if she gets another infection ( which will probably happen ) they will be here , if I need something in the middle of the night , they will be here . Also , Dr . G , our family doctor , is also on board with all this . He wants to remain her doctor until the end , so really , how cool is that . If , though , for some reason , he can 't be gotten a hold of , they have their own doctors on call , so we are so covered it is unbelievable . Also , most of her medicine is now covered . I only have to pay for her synthroid and namenda , so I am excited about that . They also will cover her briefs , no more shopping for briefs , they will send them to me . The hospital bed we currently have in the living room must go back because they will be sending me one that is an airbed , specific for people like mom who have problems with skin breakdowns . I am just so relieved over everything . The best thing ? She said Mom has time . She has some left . She gave me hope too , something I haven 't had in a long time . Yes , I know Mom is dying , but she isn 't going to die in the next few weeks , she has some time left . Also , Mom can be a hospice patient indefinitely , she can be recertified over and over again until the end . Overall , it is the best situation we can be in for this horrible situation . Mom will still be dying day by day , but I have help in making her last days better for her . She will be pain free and comfortable . That is what is the best . If Mom neeThe pain level for the fibro has dropped dramatically today , however , the pelvic pain is still excruciating . I did call the doctor 's office and asked for pain medicine for this . I am hoping a prescription will be called in tomorrow for me . We shall see . Overall , I must say today has been the best day all summer and so far this fall . Mom is even doing better today than she has in over a week when she went to the hospital . She is talkative ( okay , I don 't understand half of what she is saying ) and she even ate a whole bowl of cereal , something she couldn 't do sometime . She hasn 't had much of her Ensure , but she is looking perked and talking , so something good has happened to her . I hope your day has been as good as mine . It has truly been one to remember , I have help with Mom . Whatever I need for her , I can get . I can 't express how relieved I am over this whole situation . A nurse from Hospice will be here in the morning . At 11 am to be exact so we will be getting out of bed earlier than usual . The other times we could have her visit were when I would be teaching so that wouldn 't work out plus I would like the assessment done as soon as possible . I can 't believe we may be at the point where hospice is called . The physical therapist , Lori , suggested I call them so I went online to get the information and they called this afternoon . I knew it would happen soon but was not ready to hear that today , although a part of me was wondering how one gets hospice involved . I called and left a message with Richard so he would know , but that is about all I can do . Tillie will be here for the assessment . I have been reading a lot today to keep my mind of tomorrow . The pain is still there but I am getting used to it . I hope it is something easy that will be fixed immediately because , quite frankly , I can 't handle anything else . My friends , both online and in person , have been very helpful and hopeful for me . I am trying to remind myself that this doesn 't mean that anything will happen right now , it is just to make sure Mom is taken care of , which has always been my goal . My focus has always , and needs to always be , on making sure Mom is taken care of . She is sleeping in the living room right now . She also , has almost finished her Ensure so I am pretty positive she will at least start another by nighttime which will be the first since she came home from the hospital . Like Kathy said , maybe she just needed a few extra days to recover from the hospital . I have known for a few days that Mom is taking another step down . I can see it even if I choose to ignore it which I do a lot . I am not blind , I can see how fragile she is , but I do firmly believe that if she doesn 't use her muscles she will lose her muscles . I also think that her routine should not be broken if she can still do it , so until she can no longer get in a car , we are going out everyday . It is good for the both of us . That I know for sure . She enjoys going out with me . When we come home , she is tired , so she takes a nap . Yes , I know , she sleeps more than she is awake right now . It was bound to happen . Tomorrow I also have to go to the Doctor 's and give another urine sample . They lost the one I did on Friday . The doctor wants a culture of it . I hope to have answers soon . I am going to go and get one of my favorite books and continue reading and being quiet . I am not really hungry for dinner , but I will make myself something small . My heart is too sore to eat , but I must keep up my strength or I won 't be any good for Mom . Hi ! Well , I have been very lazy this day . I slept in and I took a nap . I needed the nap as for some unknown reason I have been very tired lately , very , very tired . I mean , I was up for 2 hours and needed a nap , that is rather unusual for me . I finally caved and went into the living room at about 3 and slept for about 2 1 / 2 hours . I could have slept for more but the phone rang and I was hoping it was big brother letting me know he got my email . The new pain is in the pelvic area and it affects walking , sitting , laying , and standing , so essentially anything I do makes it hurt worse . The Darvocet plus Tylenol seems to take the edge off it , but it still hurts . The one place I sit in the living room with the feet up makes it hurt less . I have looked online to see what it could possibly be and I hope it is something easy because the other choices scare the daylights out of me . I won 't know more until after I get the test results back from the one exam and the ultra sound , which is Thursday . I have an appointment next Friday with the Doctor . He can 't give me any medicine until he knows what it is . That scares me too because usually he can come up with what 's wrong and here is the medicine but not this time . I have a dread pit in my stomach that has never been there before and I am trying to be positive about the whole thing , but I am fighting a losing battle with myself . Never have I felt like this before . It is new to me . How on earth do people handle this type of situation ? I really need help with this . All my brain can go to are the worst case scenarios and that is just not me . I am an optimistic person , have been forever , and now I am pessimistic ? How does this happen ? All I know is that this pain is worse than the blood clot pain that I had in 2005 . It is worst than the chest pains I had . At least those pains went away and I had really good pain killers for them . I don 't have much for this . It is hard getting Mom 's pants and shoes on because I have to bend too . I try not to let her see that because she will cry and not understand what is going on but I have never put her pants on or taken them off so fast in my life . Zip , zip , done . Until this is diagnosed I can 't help but dread getting Mom up in the morning or putting her to bed at night . We go to bed a bit earlier than we did last week because I am so tired , but Mom isn 't tired and doesn 't want to go to bed . She goes up with me but doesn 't want to lay down in her bed which is exactly what I want to do . Anyways , I hope you day is better than mine ! This pain has got to go . Maybe it will mysteriously disappear like it appeared ? I could get lucky , one never knows . I am very tired today . I did have to get up a bit earlier than usual for the doctor 's appointment , but I took a nap and I don 't feel like I did . I am still tired . We will be heading to bed early that is for sure . I didn 't get any medicine from the doctor to help the pain . I have to have a Ultra sound next week and then I will see him the week after for test results . Until then , I will just have to take pain pills to help the pain . Ugh , is my answer to that . I was hoping for an easy answer for this one . Why do I get the ones they are puzzled over ? I know many of us get strange things , it isn 't just me . I am lucky though because I have supportive friends and family . Tillie is coming over on Wednesday afternoon to stay with Mom while I have my super early ultra sound appointment . I have to get up at 6 am to drink 40 oz of water . You can stop laughing now , yes , I said 6 am . The appointment is at 7 : 30 am . Mom won 't have to woken up to come with me now , which I was concerned about . I am not looking forward to getting up that early . Of course , I will probably go right back to bed when I get home . Or at least , take a long nap in the afternoon . Tillie kind of chuckled at the time too . I don 't blame her . I was somewhat laughing at myself for the same reason . I am so not a morning person . I usually get up between 11 to 12 noon everyday . I have been looking up stuff on the Internet about the pain , but no answers so far jump out at me . I am going to stop looking up anything because it only scares me more . I do hope it is nothing serious . I really do . Mom is doing okay . She isn 't drinking as much as she normally does , but I am encouraging her to drink more . She did pretty well going to the doctor and then our usual . The only hick up today was when we were leaving Timmy 's , she didn 't want to get in the car right away . She was sure she didn 't want to get in the car . She , of course , eventually did . I don 't know why she gets that way , but she does at times . Maybe we should have gone to the drive through . I don 't know . She is slowly slipping away from me and I am not liking this . Not one bit , I want my mom back , the one from a few years ago before she got sick . That 's the one I want . I do know deep down she is the same mom , but this new , scared all the time Mom doesn 't seem to enjoy stuff like the old Mom did . However , I will keep her , this Mom is better than no Mom that is for sure . I do appreciate that I still have one as many of my friends don 't . I was reading one of my regular blogs and the topic was comments . I just want you to know , I read and appreciate each comment I get . I really do . I love reading what you write to me and the encouragement I get is awesome . I do hope this finds you doing well and having a good day . Despite being tired , it has been an okay day , didn 't like the doctor 's appointment , but then who does ? Overall , it has been a good day . I can 't get to the doctor until tomorrow . Great , it hurts really , really bad . Of course , it started on Monday and had I made an appointment earlier in the week , I would probably not be in pain right now . What can I say ? I am sick of doctors and I thought the over the counter stuff would work . That aside , I am really tired today for some reason . Probably from the extra pain , but hey , with Fibro , who knows ? I think in a few minutes I will head to the living room with the little Mom and take a nap . I am that tired today . I didn 't sleep very well most of the night . Mom looks tired too but she usually takes a nap in the afternoon anyways . We could have gone to our usual this afternoon after all . I have been waiting for the home health care aide to arrive to give Mom her bath . I just called her because she is never this late . The office didn 't call her yet to let her know she can start . It would have been nice to know earlier because we didn 't go . Mom only ate 1 / 3 of her cereal and she has had a few sips of her ensure . She has got to finish at least 2 of them today . That is my goal . Naps are over . I was so tired I had to save this post and finish it later . I was that tired . Mom and I headed into the living room and sat down and took naps . The pain is still pretty bad but the pain pills are helping . I could just scream at myself for procrastinating on this . Not much happening for the rest of the evening . We are watching HG TV , Mom is slowly , and I mean slowly , drinking her 1st Ensure of the day . I really need her to be drinking at least 3 of them a day . She just isn 't thirsty or hungry right now . It has me worried about her . Is she going down ? Seems that way to me for right now . I hope this finds you doing well today . We are just very tired around here . Could be the effect of extra pain , I have an appointment for tomorrow . I hope he can fix this and then be done with it . I have pain where I have never had pain before . Unfortunately , this pain is not associated with Fibro and I will have to go to the doctor . Over the counter stuff isn 't cutting it . It is better than yesterday , but still rather bad so tomorrow morning I will call the doctor and go . Ugh , like I can afford another doctor appointment . I already owe this particular doctor over $ 800 . I am slowly paying on it . The good thing though is that I am able to make a small payment tomorrow towards the balance , unless a miracle happens and the over the counter stuff works and the pain is gone ! One can daydream you know . It is possible . The darvocet is totally kicking in now , ahhhh , finally ! It has been a quiet type day around here . Mom slept in , which I expected as the little person is very tired from no sleep for the last 4 days . I mean , she did get some sleep , but you can 't tell me that a person who is woken up every 2 hours to be turned , gets a good night sleep . She sure did last night . We went to bed about 9 : 30 so she was in bed about 10 : 00 pm . Mom woke up at about 12 : 30 pm this afternoon . We went to our usual after we got up . We ran into our friends there , they were almost done by the time we arrived . They were so happy to see Mom . Mom said she was glad to see them too . She is very polite and courteous , that is just Mom . After we were there for about an hour , we headed home . I checked my email , read a few blogs , and then turned off the computer and went into the living room . Mom was already asleep , no surprise there , I truly expect her to sleep quite a bit in the next few days . I sat on my chair , what a relief , and fell asleep for about 2 1 / 2 hours . Evelyn the nurse , arrived about 5 pm to check Mom out . She saw the new sores on Mom 's bottom , they are in stage one , just on the surface . The one that Mom had when she went into the hospital is gone and 2 more have arrived . I hope they are gone in a few days . I have good cream for them . Mom is slowly getting back into drinking her Ensure . So far , she is still on the first one . I expected this . It takes a few days for her to get back into drinking 3 to 4 of them a day . Overall , the new pain is overshadowing the fibro pain so I will get that taken care of tomorrow or at least I will try to get an appointment for tomorrow . I really hope so . Mom is doing well and seems to be happy to be home . As expected , she is afraid to be anywhere I am not . This is normal for her when she gets out of the hospital . She hasn 't cried much today , so yeah ! on that . Overall , I am very pleased with her progress today . I expect that she will sleep in again tomorrow and by Saturday or Sunday she will be back to her regular sleep pattern . Remember , she has had 4 days of totally interrupted sleep . I did enjoy the time I had to myself . I read a lot ! I love reading ! I was able to talk to Richard , which was awesome , and basically , I thoroughly relaxed and recharged the batteries ! It is a bit difficult to help her get dressed and undressed with the pain , but I am doing pretty well . Mom is getting better at walking again . She went up the stairs last night and down the stairs this morning really well . She didn 't have any problem and I was ready for one . She was a bit nervous coming down this morning but she stepped down like a trooper . Mom is a bit nervous over all for walking and going up and down stairs , which is to be expected since she was not walking for 4 1 / 2 days . I would say though , that I am very pleased with her progress . Now on to other issues with me and we will be just fine ! It is supposed to be very hot tomorrow , yuck . I hope to remember to bring shorts upstairs tonight with my clean undies and socks when I go to bed . Yes , I know , it would be so much easier if I would bring my clean clothes upstairs when they are finished but I don 't . I plan to , but things happen and then I forget . I hope this finds you doing well . Fall begins tonight after 11 pm and tomorrow is supposed to be hot . Hm , not the fall weather I have been enjoying . Yes , the little Mother will be home after 5 pm today . After 4 days in the hospital , it is about time . Although , I will freely admit I enjoyed my time to myself . I am on book 6 of the books I got . ( 1 from Kathy and 5 from the used bookstore ) . I greatly enjoyed reading whenever I felt like it and I feel like my batteries are recharged . I am ready to be caregiver full - time again . Right now she is in stage 6 , but slowly she is being pulled into stage 7 , which is the last stage . I only hope and pray that stage 7 is painless for her . I will have more help at that stage because it is the end . Medicare does help pay for end of life and that is where she is headed . I don 't know how long I have her , it could be years still , but stage 7 is the end of it . She remembered who I was all day yesterday . When I got there ( I only visit for about an hour at a time , as I need her to sleep and rest ) the doctor was there . The night time nurse was with the day time nurse as it was shift change . She asked Mom who I was and Mom , being her silly self , said , hm , I think that is Heather , my daughter , and laughed ! It was very cute . She kept saying my name over and over yesterday to talk to me . She wasn 't upset when I left , which has been the case the entire time she has been there this time . I have her room already for her . I was going to wash her blankets while she was gone , but I was too busy reading . I didn 't do much work around the house at all . I was completely lazy ! Completely ! I did have to do one load of laundry as I was out of the essentials ( undies ! ) But other than that , I did nothing but enjoy my time to myself and boy did I enjoy it ! With Mom in the hospital , usually I would be in more pain , because the last few times it really stressed me out . This time ? No extra pain ! How cool is that ? I think because we have been through this before and it may happen again , I was prepared for it . I knew she was in good hands . The doctors and the nurses are wonderful , simply wonderful , at the Beaumont Hospital . She gets great care . I don 't have to worry about anything while she is there . Anything she needs , she has . They are very good with this stage of Alzheimer 's , which is a great relief to me . All the nurses think Mom is super sweet ( she is ! ) and easy to work with . They all know she doesn 't like to be rolled over , but they do it ever so gently so she doesn 't get to frightened . My head has been it 's normal self , not bad headache since Friday , my knee is getting a bit better . It doesn 't hurt as much right now , and the Fibro seems to be under control , the best that it can be . Today anyways , with Fibro , who knows ? It could change in an instant . Anyways , my NCIS starts tonight and I am excited about that . I am hoping that Mom is able to handle watching that show as it is one of my all time favorites . She did well a couple of weeks ago when we were watching it . At 8 pm I will be in the dining room watching my beloved show . I did watch a bit of Dancing with the Stars last night and it was good . I got tired so I went to bed . I had some pain from the yeast infection I have and it kept waking me up . Who knew a little thing like that could be so painful ? I didn 't . I have some better medicine now , so I am hopeful it will clear up quickly . Never want one of those again . It is simply beautiful out , simply beautiful . It is about 84 degrees with zero humidity , so quite lovely . I only wish Mom and I could take a walk in this beautiful weather , but we can 't . She just can 't do it by herself anymore and I can 't ride a scooter and push a wheelchair at the same time . We will both just enjoy looking out the window , we do like to do that . I can 't really say I have done anything to exciting while I have had time to myself . I have read about 4 books now ! Love reading , although I am a bit more tired than usual . When Mom isn 't feeling herself it makes me more tired because she needs more help . Now that she is getting excellent care for the infection and dehydration , I can relax and I have been . I thought about going to a movie , but there isn 't anything I really want to see so I looked in the DVDs that we have and their are several movies I have been wanting to see . I have to watch them when Mom is either sleeping or not here because TV can be scary for her . I did let the nurse know not to turn the TV on in her room , not just because I don 't really have the money to pay for it , but because unless it is HG TV , some of the shows can scare the living daylights out of her . She thinks that some of it is real and happening in front of her . So , I have scaled back what we watch on TV . I am hoping that I will still be able to watch my NCIS , but I am not very hopeful . Now that I am alone , I plan to watch a couple of movies that I have been wanting to see . 2 of them are the MacGyver TV movies that were made after the series ended . I loved that show . I also have the Percy Jackson movie too . I do plan to get the Ramona movie when it comes out and I think Mom will like it . I wanted to see it in the theatre , but we just never got the chance to go when we were both awake enough to see it . In the afternoons , when we usually go to the movies , Mom is sleeping for her nap time . I talked to Richard today ! That was exciting ! I talked to him for almost 40 minutes . I gave him the lowdown on Mom and how she is doing , even though I will see her this evening . I am not sure if I have any lessons this afternoon or not , so I am not leaving until after the time , just in case . They are every other week and this should be the week , but one never knows with this particular family . I don 't want to miss the possible 2 lessons , so here I stay . Richard , the older brother , is very concerned on how does Mom keep getting these infections . I would like to know too because the poor little Mom has had 3 since May when she first came down with one . Anyways , I told Richard I would be finding out for him and for myself . Okay , just called the Alzheimer 's Association , once they get them , it is very , very easy for them to get again . Since I take care of that part of her , I will be more vigilant on this so she doesn 't get them again . I can 't be lazy , I think there is another reason too , but that one I can 't do anything about . Richard is on his way to Toronto for a week of work . He wants me to keep him posted ( which I would anyways since I send weekly updates to him ) on any changes on the little Mom . I don 't know when he is coming to see her , if he even can because he is still out of work and he has got to take the work when he can get it . He did want to know how I was doing and I told him I was alright , not great , but alright , which is the truth . I did tell him about the bad headaches I have had in the last few weeks , but basically we are doing okay . Our bills are being paid and that is the important part . He asked about money and I said we are able to pay the bills and put some on the back 2009 property taxes , which I have been about to pay about 1 / 4 of the bill so far . I am excited about that . Paying my car off has really helped in that area . Richard said it was a good idea to pay off the car , he wasn 't upset over that at all which is good . Basically , he wanted the rundown on Mom and I , and I gave it to him like itI am just waiting to see if Rachel and Rebecca I am much more relaxed this time with Mom being in the hospital than the other 3 times . I went to the used bookstore and bought 5 new ( well , new to me ) books to read , plus I am reading one Kathy loaned me . It is really good so far . Mom is doing alright , she looks tons better than she did yesterday . When I was in Tim Horton 's ( yes , I even go by myself ! ) the owner , Mary Ann , said Mom didn 't look to good yesterday either . Which I totally agree on because , as we all now know , she wasn 't feeling very well . Her lips are moist now with all the fluids she is receiving . They are going to start cutting down on the fluids tomorrow to see if she will eat more . I most definitely gave them the low down on her and food . I told the truth , she doesn 't eat much but she will drink about 3 to 4 Ensures a day when she is healthy . It 's the truth , she doesn 't eat much food . She has a donut and sometimes a muffin for brunch , a piece ( 3 oz ) of chicken breast for dinner , and if I am lucky , some veggies to go with that . Usually I am not that lucky . The doctor asked about a pick line for her for food and I told her Mom can swallow , she just doesn 't eat a lot , so no need of a pick line for her . She is on the same floor she was last time , so I know she is in good hands and I am going to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet while it is here . Mom will be home before I know it and then it won 't be quiet like it is right now . I was going to do some laundry , but , hey , I will do it tomorrow . I don 't feel like doing it right now so I won 't . I feel like reading , so I am going to . It is so quiet in the house right now , I am loving this . Of course , Mom isn 't that loud , but the fact that I have the whole house to myself right now , is nice . At night I leave a couple of lights on so I can sleep . I can 't sleep in a totally dark house by myself , just can 't do it . My head is doing a bit better today . Definitely not as sore as it was yesterday , but still a bit sore . I have been a bit stressed this week . I stress myself out is part of the problem , and also , when Mom isn 't as cooperative as she usually is , it stresses me out . Now I know why she wasn 't very cooperative , but at the time I just thought she was being difficult . Well , not much happening today other than the visit with Mom . I try to go when she is finished eating because , quite frankly , I don 't want to feed her . That is their job while she is there and when I go and it happens to be a meal time , I end up feeding her and I just don 't want to . I feed her at home ( when she needs it ) and I don 't want to feed her when she is there . I went after 1 pm and her lunch , untouched , was still sitting there , so I ended up feeding her . I was kind of upset because , come on , just sit with her and feed her , not that hard to do . She will let you know when she is full . She ate her boost pudding and drank a bit of the boost juice and was full . Normal to me , that is her in the hospital . She loves pudding so I always give her the boost pudding first . I don 't buy it at home , I buy regular pudding for her because the boost stuff is very expensive and you have to send out for it . You can 't buy it at a regular store around here . Besides , I figure with the amount of Ensure she drinks , she doesn 't need the boost puddings , just regular puddings . Aggie didn 't have her lesson because she is sick . Poor kid , 3rd week of her junior year at MSU and she has a cold . I think her roommates have one too . Ugh , doesn 't sound fun to me . Well , it is raining out today which is probably why I have a bit more than usual of a headache . My joints are a bit achy from it too , so I am going to curl up with a book and have a good read ! yes , peaceful reading time for me today ! Perfect day for it . I may even take a brief nap as I am a bit tired too . Well , the reason Mom has been off for the last couple of days ? She has another urinary tract infection , a bad one this time . Poor thing is in pain too with it . She has a headache and her neck is sore too . I don 't know why . I need to look up her new pain patch to make sure it isn 't causing the headaches and neck aches . Lori , the physical therapist is the one who really thought that maybe she has another infection so after our usual , I took Mom to the ER . A few attempts at a blood test ( 2 veins collapsed on her ) they finally were able to get the blood culture that they needed as well as the regular blood tests . They did a urine sample but they did it a bit different this time . It is causing her a bit of pain to because of how they did the tubing this time . I felt so bad for her . I really do because between the headache , neck ache , and the tummy pain , she is not happy . The pains come and go though , they don 't stay all the time . So naturally , by the time the nurse arrived , the pain was gone . She does have her pain patch on so I am hoping that helps . I expect that in a couple of days she will feel better . I woke up with a really bad headache this morning . I had to come down and take some pain pills super early and then within a half hour I had to take some tummy medicine along with the pain medicines . It finally went back to the normal pain by the time Mom got up in time for physical therapy . Mom 's physical therapy is on hold until she gets back from the hospital . I hope she isn 't too weak this time , she usually is , but I hope she is much better this time . I also hope this is the last time for a long time . We have been to the hospital between the two of us five times since end of May . Not a good record for us . Mostly for her . I have some lessons this weekend . I am not sure what time I am teaching on Sunday , but I have 1 lesson Saturday at noon . The one good thing with Mom gone for a couple of days , is that I can get some groceries without needing to get a sitter for her . I want to pick up a few groceries and then do a good shopping after Wednesday . It has been a terrible day so far . I have cried so much today . Mom had trouble coming down the stairs , she refused to which started the crying off . Every once in a while she has trouble and I know it . Usually I do much better at handling it . I go back up the stairs and pretty much hold her all the way down . Today I just cried . She wanted to talk to someone else , several someone elses , like the manager , the other lady , the commissioner , everyone but me so that made me cry harder . Finally , I stopped and then she was fine , like nothing happened . She got in and out of the car fine and we went to our usual . She didn 't eat much of her donut though , which is unusual for her because she loves her donuts . I am fine now . I don 't really know what caused the major meltdowns , I am not in any more pain than usual so who knows . We all have our bad days , I am just glad hers isn 't too bad too , that would be a nightmare . She is in the living room right now resting . I don 't know if she is sleeping , she might be . She was so tired yesterday . Last night , it was kind of cute , she wouldn 't go to bed when she was falling asleep at the table , just like a little kid . We finally did go to bed around 9 : 30 which is normal for us . It takes me about 20 or so minutes to get her ready and then we sit on her bed for a few minutes . I tell her I am going to move her , when I do she gets a bit upset like she does every night . If I don 't move her though she moves her legs over the edge of the bed and that causes back pains for her , so that is why I move her to the middle of the bed . She doesn 't like being moved into bed or out of bed , but I know that and it doesn 't bother me one bit she says , oh , oh , oh . I just move her like I need to and that is that . Things should improve by 4 pm because I have 1 lesson today . Mom is getting her bath today too . I can 't wait until next week when Angela comes back . This new one is nice , but she doesn 't do a very good job with Mom 's hair . I don 't even think she did anything to it on Monday . We use some no rinse stuff that is much better for Mom because she doesn 't like being cold when I wash her hair in the sink . We got it from the hospital and it works really well . I like it a lot . I plan to use it with her for a very long time because it does work so well for her . The trick is you have to wipe her hair with a wet wash cloth to get the dirt and oil out of her hair and I don 't think the new girl does that very well . I also don 't think she dampens Mom 's hair enough to get a good foam for it . But I am not too worried , because Angela does a great job and she will be back on Monday from her Honeymoon . Other than the lesson and Mom 's bath ( which will happen right near each other ) there isn 't anything going on in the house . I may go out for a quick trip to the store to get some milk and bread with Mom , depending on how tired she is . We don 't need much , but there is no milk in the house or bread and with the trouble she had today , a home breakfast might have been the best way to go . I had no choice but to take her to our usual because we had no food in the house for me to eat breakfast . I don 't like cereal with ensure , it upsets my stomach . It is going to thunderstorm soon , I can already hear the thunder . I guess that fits my mood . I am very worn out from the meltdowns this late morning / early afternoon . It all happened around 12 noon . I am going to join Mom in the living room for a nap , I hope I feel much better when I wake up . Right now , I am exhausted from crying so hard . I guess sometimes you just need a good cry and I haven 't had one in a long while , not since Mom was in the nursing home in June . I have been stressing for about a month now about fitting in a hair cut for Mom . She , I thought , just needed a trim . Well , I asked her today if she wanted to get her hair trimmed . She said no . All this time I have been worrying for nothing . She doesn 't want her hair cut . Okay , no haircut for Mom . Sigh . Sigh . It would have saved me a lot of worrying and stressing if I asked her in the first place , but I didn 't . Sigh . What can I possibly say to this new revelation ? Mom doesn 't want her hair cut . Okay , so now that worry is over , on to others ? I don 't have any right now except that she is sleeping a lot more than she used to . I did expect it , but when it happens it kind of slips right past you at first . She also had physical therapy . The therapist asked to talk to me . If Mom doesn 't show an improvement in Fridays session then that will be it . Quite frankly , the fact she can do any is great for me . What do they want ? What type of improvements do they want ? She has Alzheimer 's for goodness sake ! She is in stage 6 , slowly slipping into stage 7 . I mean , really , what can you possibly expect from her . I would say that fact she can follow any direction at this stage is a good thing . Really , an improvement ? She forgets what she is doing in the middle of doing it now , that is normal . I have to remind her to continue down the stairs at times or up the stairs . It isn 't that she can 't do it , because she can , it is just she forgets what she is doing about midway . That is a normal thing for her . That is why every step I remind her " one foot up " . That is how we say going up the stairs . To tell her to go up the stairs is pointless because she doesn 't know what that means . However , she does know how to move one foot up at a time so that is what I use . I tell people to talk to her with short commands , she can follow short ones . She did great when she had to get a CT scan and X - rays at the hospital . The technicians did exactly what I asked and they were able to get her to do what they wanted . I just don 't know what some others want from her . She can 't improve too much , she is too far gone for that . I need her to keep the little muscle she has left going . If the physical therapist does end the sessions , that is actually going to be okay because I bought ankle weights for Mom and we will do them together . My complaint is trying to understand what type of improvement she is looking for with Mom . I don 't understand that . I know she is going downhill . I see it daily . I know she doesn 't have much time left but let 's make what time she has fun for her as best as possible . On a good note , Mom got some new Curious George books , Corduroy books , and Clifford the Red Dog books from our friend , Donna . Mom loved them . She has flipped through them a couple of times since we just got them . I am going to fix her son 's jeans for her . They have a hole in the butt and need a patch of some sort . I may have to get an iron on patch because I don 't know if my machine will be able to go through the old iron on material . We shall see . I haven 't really looked at them too much yet . I will tonight or tomorrow . I am kind of tired right now so I might take a nap too . I hope that is what Mom is doing . Nothing too exciting over here this afternoon . I don 't have any lessons , but I do think I will change the tablecloth to the fall one . I just have to move 2 piles of bills and stuff and my computer to put the new one on . We got 2 of them the other day . I also have one for Halloween . I hope to see my big brother , Richard by then . I miss him a lot and I know Mom does . Although since she has talked to him on the phone , she has only asked for him once , so my theory worked . If she talks to him , she doesn 't miss him as much . The fixation she has disappears ! He may call again this week if he can fit it into his schedule with everything he has to do and the time difference . That is the biggest challenge , is the time difference between here and Seattle . I wonder how the kids are doing with school ? hm , I think I will drop them an email and see . We were supposed to have an association meeting tonight , but apparently , there wasn 't because no one mentioned it to the lady 's whose house it was going to be at . Oh well , I don 't mind . I was having a hard time getting Mom in and out today . She is just tired , that 's all , nothing wrong , just a bit tired . She gets more tired easier than before , which is to be expected as the disease progresses . She is fine now . Looking cute in her little hoodie with the fleece jacket on top . Her friend stopped by and I thought he was going to cut her hair , but he didn 't stay very long , so I will be taking Mom to get her hair cut . We actually had the time this afternoon had I known , but it isn 't that much of a big deal . Another time will present itself . The social worker came today from the Home Health Care Company . She wasn 't that helpful . She did give me the names of 2 people that may be able to help me , but overall , she got the same info I did when I did it myself . The hospital bed is still here . I am getting rather annoyed . I will be calling them again tomorrow . I want it gone by the weekend . It really is in the way as it moves the princess table in the middle of the floor . Now fortunately , all my students navigate around it well , but still , to me , it is the way . I definitely need it gone by Christmas because I need the area for the Christmas Tree . We haven 't really had a good tree for the last few years and I want Mom to have a nice Christmas this year . It could be the last one she remembers , well , sort of remembers , how about enjoys , that works . It could be the last one she could enjoy . Right now , the disease seems to be at a standstill , which is great , I hope it stays for a while . Last year , between Thanksgiving and February , she went downhill fast . It seems that her disease takes giant steps down , she stays at one level for a long , long time , and then giant step down , and repeat . I want her to stay her for a long while because the next stage is stage 7 and that is the end stage . I don 't want to see that stage for an extremely long time . Today has been a good day for us . The only glitch was that I thought Mom had an appointment with Dr . Gradolph and as it turned out , they cancelled the appointment because he wants her to try the pain patch first and then see him in a few weeks . So we sat there for a few minutes before we found that out so all in all , we didn 't wait too long before I found out . We went to our usual after that and low and behold , Rosemary arrived shortly after ! So how cool is that ? Pretty cool , if you ask me . So we sat and visited with her while we ate our brunch . We haven 't seen much of her this summer because her uncle , who she takes care of , has been rather ill . He is 90 and is not doing too well . It is very sad and I know she is sad about it . He lives in assisted living and she is with him quite a bit . She also belongs to a garden club and a doll club as she collects dolls . I have a few dolls ( collectible types , not antique ) to donate to her for the doll club raffle . I just have to pull them out and then give them to her . I am not sure exactly where the dolls are right now , but I know they are not far . After our usual , we headed to Walmart to fill Mom 's prescription . We were going to go and pick up some milk , but as we got to the clothes department , I noticed she was getting a bit tired . We turned around and headed back to the pharmacy department . As soon as we got into the department , the phone rang and her prescription was filled so we picked it up and headed home . When we got home we took naps . I was tired and I knew she was . I put her new pain patch on her shoulder that is bothering her and went and sat in my chair . I love that chair . It is the only one I can sit on with my feet up that doesn 't bother my legs or hips . You can see why I love that chair plus it is so comfy . I had one lesson after the social worker left . Charlie is doing really well for his lessons . He has been practicing which is good . We also laugh a lot during his lesson . At the conclusion of his lesson I put Mom in her fleece jacket to head for the association meeting . I just got Mom in the car when Irv ( Rosemary 's husband - really nice guy ) pulled up to tell me there was no meeting . So I got Mom back out of the car and we went back into the house . I asked her if she wanted some ice cream and she said no , so back in we went . We are now watching HGTV You wouldn 't believe the weather we are having ! It is spectacular ! I mean , totally awesome . I have the dining room drapes open , the front door open , and we just got back from Timmy 's and Walmart . Even Mom wasn 't cold or too hot ! Talk about a shocker ! It is simply gorgeous out and I hope it stays this way all month . I need weather I can breathe in and this is it . Yesterday , I really had a hankering for some Chinese food after a friend of mine mentioned on face book he was getting some . Well , I should have picked something else . I had a tummy ache for the rest of the night from it ! I was having second thoughts about it because Mom was sleeping upstairs and I really didn 't want to have to get her back down and into the car , but I did . Should have passed on it . I tried something I haven 't had in years and now I know why I don 't eat that particular entree . Will have something else next time because I love Chinese food . We used to go out to eat about once a week until this summer when Mom really stopped eating a lot of food . I mean , a chicken breast ( and only the chicken breast ) is getting to big for her and it is only 3 oz cooked . I don 't take her out to eat much because she doesn 't eat enough and I end up eating it ( which makes me gain the weight ) or throw it away . I miss her being able to enjoy food more . But overall , it is to be expected with this disease and I am thankful she can still enjoy her donut and milk at Timmy 's in the noon time . She actually wanted some of the chili I got today . I usually get bagels , but today sounded like a chili and sandwich day , so that is what I did . She wanted some so I gave her a few spoonfuls and then she was happy . I mean , it was weird , she really wanted some chili and was starting to get upset because she didn 't have any . I asked her if she wanted to share mine and her answer was , I thought I was getting some too . So I shared . I knew getting her own would have been pointless because after about 4 spoonfuls she was done and then we would have practically an entire bowl of chili to take home . I got the adorable ones , Calli and Acer , some Timbits today . I was going to get them on Thursday , but we need to rearrange our timings on the visiting day because of what time the kids get home from school and the fact that Heather B - T must pick up Acer from school . I hope they like the kinds I picked . They aren 't picky eaters which is nice . Our neighbor stopped me this afternoon . He had received a phone call from another neighbor concerning us . Usually , we get complaints about something from this neighbor , but it wasn 't . She wanted to be able to get a hold of me about some books she has . Well , I thought , wow , no complaints ? Hey , I will talk to her about books . So she may call me . We shall see . I didn 't know she is an avid reader like I am and she now knows the situation with the little Mom so maybe she will stop being so hard on us about the yard . I know it isn 't the greatest , but the lawn is cut regularly and trimmed nicely . Yes , we have a totally empty space in front of the house from where the bushes were , but Andrew moved before he fixed it up . I don 't have the money or energy to deal with it . I didn 't inherit the green thumb that Mom , Andrew , and Richard all have . Mine is black . I can kill a plant just by looking at it . I have tried gardening , and well , I grow weeds very well . Of course , that is what is in the gardens in the back yard , all weeds , but nobody but us can really see them , so no complaints . I think we have 1 bush left of the carpet roses that Mom put in 9 years ago for my graduation party . Anyways , I have 2 choices , I can either work on the yard or take care of mom , and we all know who wins in that competition , Mom . Got to take care of the little lady , even when she says , i don 't know who you are and I am not going with you . She said that this morning when we arrived at Timmy 's . Fortunately , I knew it wouldn 't last and it didn 't and she finally got out of the car for us to go in . I think perhaps it is time to have some milk and bread in the house regularly for moments like this when she won 't get in the car or out of the car in this case . Right now , we don 't have any milk or bread in the house because they usually go bad before we finish them . Hm , we shall see how the rest of the week goes . We can get some really good bread from Panera 's . They have such yummy stuff ! i also want a bread maker to make my own bread . Well , this turned out to be rather long . Bob should be here in a few minutes for his lesson . I hope your day is good too . Ours is so far . Oh yes , I almost forgot . We got the septic tank cleaned . 3 years until the next cleaning ! That means I take good care of the tank ! Yeah ! I learned from Mom ! Have a great afternoon and evening ! Richard called back to talk to Mom . He is my older brother who lives very far away . He is the only one of us three who has children too , William and Abigail . He is married to Jennifer . The best part ? Mom hasn 't asked for him since she spoke to him on the phone . I talked to him a bit after Mom did and he was shocked at how out of it she sounded . Well , that is her now . I don 't know if that will encourage him to come and see her sooner or frighten him into not coming . Hard to say . It has been a pretty good day today . Mom 's friend , Jose , came up to Tim Horton 's while we were there and stayed and visited with Mom for a bit . He is very nice . We had some errands to run but Mom was getting really tired so he said he would take Mom home and watch her for me . Wasn 't that nice ? I leaped at the chance of having some alone time to run errands . I had to go to my friend 's house to pick up some stuff and then to Sam 's Club to pick up some Ensure for Mom . She was practically out of the Ensure . I think we opened the last bottle this morning . She is upstairs sleeping right now . I checked on her a bit ago and she was asleep . She sure says some funny things today , had me laughing . Pain level is pretty okay today too , not too high . My head is a bit high right now , but only a tiny bit . I think I need to eat dinner and then it would be fine . I am thinking maybe some Chinese . We haven 't had any in a long time . I will get the dinner and share with Mom as she won 't eat a full dinner anymore . If Mom is still asleep then I will wake her up because it is getting late and I don 't want her not to sleep tonight . That would not be good for the little lady . It is really beautiful out today , the sun is shining and the sky has white puffs of clouds . It is just simply gorgeous . The one thing I have noticed about this disease , is that I have slowed down , like so many have . I have the time to look at the area around me and notice when it is beautiful out and when it isn 't . I have a great view of lots of trees when the dining room drapes are open . My neighbor has so many trees in there backyard . ( We are a corner lot so I look into their backyard from our house ) We have a hedge of bushes that are so tall it is unbelievable . They should be cut down , but I can 't do it and neither can Mom . I am not worried about them . They aren 't big enough to be in the electrical wires yet . The neighbor 's trees are in the wires , and that does worry me because it can cause a fire . Overall , I have a very pretty view that a few years ago I might not have noticed as much . Definitely a better day today than yesterday and most of the week too . I am happy today again . Life is good , not the one I planned , but a decent life nonetheless . The leaves are starting to change color in my back yard already . Wow , fall really is here ! yeah for that ! Soon will be Christmas , my favorite holiday . I do hope we are in Seattle for it with my older brother , Richard and his family , but I don 't know for sure . We shall see . Here we go again , I accidentally erased the post . I didn 't mean too , but I did and of course , right after I did that , it automatically saved . We had book club today ! At first I was afraid we wouldn 't but Maggie was just late , which was fine . We talked about so many things . It was wonderful ! I really enjoy book club a lot . It is fun once a month getting together and chatting . I gave her the scoop on Debbie , Katie , and Aggie , as the three of them no longer can join us . I miss them , but since , outside of Debbie , I see them , I don 't mind too much . One thing that has been getting to me is Mom asking for Richard . She asks for him a lot , and I mean , a lot . When I can 't produce Richard , she cries . When I tell her he is in Seattle , she cries . It is really starting to upset me . I can 't help that I am not Richard . I do the best that I can do by her and at times it doesn 't seem to matter to her because I am not Richard and that upsets me . Sometimes I make sarcastic comments to her like sorry I am not good enough which make her cry but usually I just ignore it . It is getting harder to ignore that . I was telling Maggie about it because Mom started to cry after she asked where Richard was this afternoon . I called Richard and asked him to call me back to talk to Mom . She can still talk a bit on the phone and I think if she hears his voice maybe she won 't be so upset all the time . She spoke to Andrew on the phone on Monday and she really enjoyed it . I don 't know what she remembers , what she doesn 't about the phone call , but I do know she calmed down asking about him . I am hoping the same thing happens when she talks to Richard . Anyways , I hope he calls me back this evening . Mom will really like talking to him and I am hoping she will stop asking me where he is because it is really bothering me . Maggie said when she comes back from vacation she and I will go and have a chat about it . She has some ideas . Maggie is a great help with things like that . I will have Carolyn come and sit with Mom while we go out . I have read great posts about 9 / 11 and where people were when it happened . All I can say is I will never forget what happened nor will I ever not be thankful and grateful to the people who serve our country in the Armed Services . Thanks to them , we are free . So if you or a family member serve , I thank you everyday , not just today . It 's Friday ! I don 't know why that would excite me except it brings me 1 day closer to Book Club ! ! ! I just love book club . Even thought it will be just Maggie and me , I haven 't seen her since July and boy do I want to hear about the rest of her summer . I am so glad summer is over . We are doing alright now and I aim to have us stay that way ! My project of the season is going to be Mom 's room . I am going to have the room redone in some ways . I am not going to do crazy redecorating , just some simple things that Mom will like ( I think ) . Now that she doesn 't know what is hers and what isn 't , it is finally safe to declutter her room . One of the effects of Alzheimer 's is hoarding and Mom is a pack rat to begin with , it isn 't quite like the people on the hoarding shows , but it is still rather dangerous for the little person . I want to put the bed frame in the garage for now because someday , it will go back in her room , when she is no longer mobile . then I will put the bed back together . It is a high bed and it will be easier to change her with a high bed so I don 't want to sell her bed at all . Not when I plan to use it again someday . For right now though , it is in the way and I manage to step on the railings quite frequently when helping Mom in or out of bed . Then I need to go to the storage unit and get her Mickey Mouse snow globe out . I hope I didn 't ruin it by putting it in storage . I thought we were moving , but it turns out we weren 't . I plan to do that this weekend , I think . I just have to find the right box it is in . I am not sure which box it is in , and I also want to get the other snow globe ( Beauty and the Beast ) out too . I do hope they are in good condition . I would like to have her room painted pink . She likes that color and with the white curtains , I think pink would look nice . The boxes at the end of her bed will be removed and those clothes will go in the empty drawers and closet . It would be nice to be able to get into her closet . Right now , I have to move a couple of boxes in order to open her closet door and you can only open the right door because there is a big box in front of the left door . Anyways , by Christmas , I want her room looking spiffy . I want it to be a haven when she goes in to bed and very calming for her . She needs calming things around her at all times because I can only imagine having Alzheimer 's is NOT calming . The winter project is my room . I am not repainting it as I like the color of the walls . I don 't necessarily like the curtains , but I will price some to see if I can afford 2 pairs as I have 2 windows in my room . I want them lined though because my room does get quite cold . It is the coldest room of the upstairs , which is great for sleeping , but not for anything else . I want to get my pictures and stuff back from storage and put them back out on my dresser again . I also want to hang up some pictures on the walls . I need my stuffed animal collection back out on my chest of drawers . I want my books back in the bookcase and then my Anne of Green Gables Figurines on my dresser . I want my room to be my haven when I go to bed instead of the empty room with piles it is right now . I don 't know what to do with some of the stuff I have , I am going to get rid of some , but not all . I just have to decide what I really want . I will move the rest of the Winnie the Pooh beanie babies down to the piano because that is where most of them are right now , so the collection needs to be complete . I hope to pace myself very carefully so that I can do these projects . I will probably need some help as I can 't really lift anything that is over about 5 pounds because of the rods in my back . I figure in the next week or two I will make a list for Mom 's room and then divide and conquer ! I really want a nice looking room for her . It has been cluttered up for too long and she has some nice pieces that are hidden . I may move some of her paintings from other rooms into her room . I don 't know , we shall see . My knee seems to be improving a bit . It isn 't quite back to normal yet , but I am hopeful it will soon . I hope the knee flare up goes away soon . Several people I know are in flare ups right now , there must be something in the weather . Ugh , hope they all feel better soon . We ran into Lily and her mom , Julie at Tim Horton 's this afternoon . I saw Lily enter and I thought , I must be seeing things as she is supposed to be in school . Unfortunately , she hurt her foot and had to go to the doctors . It was so nice to talk to them . I haven 't seen them much this summer . We both have been busy , but mostly they have been very busy . I am waiting for the lady to come and give Mom a bath . She should be here any minute now . It has been a week since she has had a good one and I want her hair washed . It should be okay to do today because it has been over a week since she fell so I want it done well today . It has been rather confusing getting the home aide here because our usual one is on vacation for 2 weeks . It should be all taken care of now , I hope . I can 't wait until Angela is back and we are back on schedule . Not much happening today because I have no lessons and we aren 't visiting because of the bath and the new schedule for the young children at the B - T 's house . With the start of a new school year comes many changes to schedules as most of you know . I am not sure what time we will be visiting , but we will get it in somewhere because I really do enjoy it and so does Mom . I had my boring blood test again . I missed the appointment two weeks ago and before the office calls me to tell me I forgot , I thought I better make an appointment . The nurse found the vein right away and it went fine for a change . My veins are very hard to find at times and they don 't always behave nicely for nurses . I can clear a room of nurses just by signing my name . Pain level is normal for me . It is beautiful outside , not to hot , not to cold , just perfect . Mom is chatting away right now . It is really cute to see her do this . I wish that she would do this when certain people are around , but she clams up around them because they make her nervous so she doesn 't speak . Maybe I should video this . Hm , I will think about that . Once again it is beautiful weather outside . I am really loving this so far this fall . I know fall doesn 't officially start for another few weeks , but hey , kids are in school so to me it is fall . It isn 't too bad of a pain day for a nice change . The head is its normal pain level ( I have a headache everyday and have had one for 6 years straight now ) so I am thrilled and my knee seems to be behaving . It isn 't back to normal , but it is getting there . Mom did wonderful at physical therapy today . Lori came earlier than usual , but that was alright and fit great into our schedule . She called and by the time she got here , Mom was dressed and brushing her teeth . ( She is back to doing them on her own again ) I brought her downstairs , gave her her medicines , and then put her shoes on her . After that , Lori took over and I went to get dressed . I was so pleased that Mom did well even without me cheering her on like I usually do . I am trying not to interfere with Lori 's work , but sometimes I can get Mom to do better by cheering her on . Lori now cheers her own the same way I do and that seems to help quite a bit . I will miss the physical therapy when it is over next month . I bought ankle weights that mom and I will use to give us both strength . I just pray she doesn 't go into the hospital again . Tomorrow Mom gets her bath . It won 't be done by Angela because she is on vacation ( honeymoon ! how cool is that ? ! ) but by a new worker for us . She wanted to come at 8 to 8 : 30 am . Now , we all now I am NOT a morning person , but Mom isn 't either . So I had to tell her that wouldn 't work . She said that she has 2 people in our area , Mom and another lady , but still , I am NOT getting Mom up any earlier than I usually do because she would be exhausted all day long and that would NOT be good . So we compromised and said about 10 to 10 : 30 am . I can do that . No way I can do the other , absolutely not happening . I like that Angela always came around 12 : 30 to 1 : 00 pm , but we can use this new time to our advantage as I will wake Mom right as soon as she arrives . She can get ready and I will get Mom and then she will have her bath and be all ready for the day , so it will work out for us . Mom usually sleeps until 10 to 10 : 30 am anyways . I know because I check in on her . I took a wee nap today and had some strange dreams . Sometimes dreams are really weird when I take naps . I wonder why ? Hm , something to ponder in the future . Bob had his lesson and he is learning his songs quite well . He is playing his first piano invention by J . S . Bach . He is putting his hands together for the first time on the new part and it was really good , slow , but good . My saying always is , if you can 't play it slow , you can 't play it fast . Of course , a problem is once you learn it fast , you really can 't always play it slow . But when learning , you need to play the song slowly and then speed up as you practice more . That has always worked for me and my students . Acer , Calli , and Charlie all had lessons yesterday . It was quite a busy afternoon for a bit . I loved every minute of it . Acer showed me his new jazz piece he composed . He composes often and I wouldn 't be surprise that when he is older he will be a composer . Calli is doing super well on her jazz piece . I simply love the song she is playing and the next song she will play is also a cool jazz piece . She will be starting to sing in the next week or two too so that will be fun . I have some of the books out now and I need to copy some songs for her and put the piano parts on a CD for her to practice . Katie wants to have a chat with her on the virtues of going to competition and singing in the ensemble as we are one short for an ensemble this year and with Calli we would have enough . I don 't know if that will happen , but Katie is a determined teenager and I think she will just love Calli . I also know that Acer could participate in the ensemble if he chose too . It is entirely up to them , I will not make anyone do anything but I do understand how much Katie loves singing in an ensemble and I have some cute music for one . Katie is a character for sure . Charlie is also doing pretty well with his lessons . He got a couple of exercises marked off because he sight read them perfect . I actually expected this , but he didn 't know that . The book reviews a bit from the previous book so that is why I expected it . Charlie also plays the drums which thrills Acer . I told Acer that Charlie played the tenor drums in marching band , but I wasn 't sure if he played the 5 ( apparently it is 6 ) or 1 drum in the band . We waited for Charlie for the answer . Charlie thought it was really cool that Acer is very interested in drums . He thinks he is a neat little man , which he is . I hope you are enjoying the fall weather . It is supposed to warm up a bit tomorrow and by the weekend , but I don 't mind , it won 't get too hot for me . Also , I just received a phone call from a different worker ( the one who called yesterday ) and she is coming for Mom at about 4 : 30 tomorrow . I had to call the office and let them know so this time is better for us because we won 't have to wake up earlier than usual . I hope they get this straightened out . I missed the phone call yesterday by about 5 minutes and they were worried they wouldn 't get a hold of me . So , the bottom line is , the timing for the other woman is much better than the first so we are going with the second lady ( who in fact was the first to call me ) . As long as Mom gets a bath , that is all that matters to me . It is really beautiful out right now . I mean , simply gorgeous ! I am really liking the nice cool weather we are having . Mom is taking her usual nap in the living room . I am waiting for phone calls for lesson times . It has been a busy couple of days for us . First we went to my Uncle 's yesterday and that was a lot of fun . Andrew couldn 't be there because he was studying ( as a good student should ) so he called just to talk to Mom . That was great because Mom really liked that . We will hopefully see him a few weeks when we go back . Tillie wasn 't there either as she was working on her house , but that really was a good thing , as my cousin , her granddaughter , went into labor while we were at my uncle 's ! Yup , little Esther Ruth decided to come a bit early ( 3 days I think ) and so I have a new cousin in the world . I am excited about that . I can 't wait to see her in a few weeks when we go over . Another cousin . I have so many . Speaking of cousins , Maia is now a grandmother for the 2nd time ! Hard to believe , but true . I did get to see Elizabeth ( Danielle 's daughter ) briefly yesterday . She is a little doll . We got home rather late because we needed to take Maia to her place to drop off her stuff and then drop her and Danielle off at the hospital to see Lia . Mom was really tired , but she went up the stairs all right , a little slower than usual , but she did great on them . She sometimes forgets that our rooms are upstairs so I have to remind her and then she is like , oh , okay , let 's go then . I expected a bit of a rough time for her because we were out so late and the car ride was longer than normal , but she did fine . I got her up , changed , and in bed in no time . Now for me , well , I was really sore last night after I put her to bed for some reason , I mean sorer than usual . My hips and lower back were just screaming with pain . Finally , about 2 hours or so later , I fell asleep . I woke up at the usual time though , so that was a nice surprise and i am not really extra tired right now like I would have thought . We have a quiet week with a few lessons that I am looking forward too . I also want to go to Joann 's to get a nice fall table cloth . I love the spring one we have had one since March , but now it is fall and I need one to reflect the season . Mom loves picking them out with me . I couldn 't decide between two of them for spring , so she made the final decision . She made a good choice . This weekend I was honored to receive an award for my blog by a fellow blogger named Missy Schantz . She is a fibro girl like so many of us . I was very happy and thrilled to know that she likes reading my blog . A writer likes knowing that she is read and liked or at least I do ! ! ! Anyways , she gave me the cutest award picture that I have absolutely no idea how to post on my blog so I am going to try to post the award in this post . Here is my try : It worked ! ! ! Yeah ! I will try to post it on my blog and we shall see if it works . Isn 't this a really cute picture of an award ? ? I thank Missy for it . Her blog is also very interesting . If you get a chance , go under my followers and find Missy and then click on it and then you will get to a page where you can read her blog . Had a great day at my Uncle 's ! One little incident . I discovered Mom does not do well with liquid Tylenol . Yeah , it makes her literally sick to her tummy ! Thank God for Michelle who helped as I was a little green myself during the incident . Not my best moment as a caretaker . I will be giving Michelle all the Liquid Tylenol for her little guy , the adorable Jayson . I have 1 lesson this morning . I am excited about it because I haven 't seen my Katie since June and I miss her . She should be her shortly . I can 't remember exactly what we were working on , but I will find out soon ! When she arrives . She is also going to ( I think ) help put music away . I am not sure . At this point , if it gets done , fine , if not , fine too . It doesn 't bother me as much as the hospital bed in the living room does . Mom is getting stronger with the physical therapy . I bought her ankle weights to use after physical therapy is over . She and I will be doing exercise together . I think she will like that as she always used to like exercising . She is doing much better with the cooler weather than the heat . Katie had her lesson and surprise ! I have 2 more lessons this evening . Rachel and Becca will be starting up again today . What a nice surprise ! I haven 't seen them since competition in February . Katie also filed ALL the music in the living room . Yup , except for the stuff I pulled , it has been put away . I am very excited about this . I can use both benches in the living room right now ! Not that I can play 2 pianos at the same time , but if I have a student who wants to , I certainly can ! How exciting is that ? Very in my book . Mom is taking a wee nap . After Katie finished the filing we went to Tim Horton 's for a treat for her then Mom and I headed to Walmart to pick up a few items like her medicine . I also got 4 notebooks for $ . 15 each ! Since I thought I had bought them last week only to discover I bought graph notebooks , I needed them . I also picked up a packet of 10 pens and a magazine to read later . All in all , a good day for us . Tomorrow we are going to my uncle 's for the day . Maia is coming with us . Should be fun , I think . Tuesday I have to make an early phone call to see what I can do about this bill that I totally forgot about and it does mean disaster for me financially . Bad move on my part , I am so angry at myself for forgetting . This mess that I am in is totally my fault , but I am hoping I will be able to tPosted by It is so beautiful out . It is nice and cool . So cool , in fact , I had to change into sweats because it is too cold for shorts ! Ahhhh , my kind of weather . Mom has 2 little jackets on to keep warm , 1 hoodie , and 1 fleece . She looks so cute all bundled up like that . Someday I will be able to post a picture of it just as soon as I find that cord ! Yup , still looking ! I finished updating the piano catalogue . I need to update the voice one but that music is out so I can 't right now . I now have 761 piano pieces ( including books and individual sheet music ) for my students to choose from . I hope to not have to buy anything new this year . I really do . My file cabinets are getting full and there is no room for a new cabinet , none whatsoever . I even remember to list the songs on the books that aren 't piano courses or lesson books . This way , when I search by song , it will pop up to be found . Katie is coming to help put away all the music that is sitting out . It definitely needs it . I am keeping all the Christmas stuff out though because we will be starting that soon . There is music all over the living room , in the family room , and in the office that need to be put away . I hope she has time tomorrow after her lesson . I really do because I would love for this stuff to be put back where it belongs ! Not to exciting of a day , we had physical therapy for Mom and she did awesome ! I mean , it was really good how she concentrated on her exercises . She did a fantastic job . Aggie had her lesson and then we went to the usual for an afternoon snack . Mom is napping in the living room right now . A little later than usual , but that is okay because she won 't be sleeping much longer . She usually does about 2 hours a day for a nap . I try to have her nap from about 2 to 4 , but today we didn 't get home until after 3 so that is why she is still sleeping . My arm is a bit sore from all that typing so I will end this now . I was able to talk to the big brother , Richard , and wish him a happy birthday ! He is 46 years old today . Mom and I both got to wish him Posted by We are waiting for Robin to call so we can meet for lunch . She is getting her hair done and I am getting really hungry . I mean , really hungry , as I haven 't eaten at all today . That would be because I did just get up , but seriously , I am getting Olga 's Restaurant hungry . I hope that is where we are going today . Mom is coming too . Robin has a railing for a bed for Mom that I hope will help her not fall out . Now , she hasn 't fallen out yet , but I like to do preventative measures instead of after the incident ever since she wandered out of the house last year , 3 times . Now she is blocked in upstairs and has no where to go . She can wander away all she wants up those stairs at night and before I wake up . She usually just lays there until I come into her room . Then we get up and get her dressed . I am almost always dressed before I get her ready . It makes it much easier to do when I am already dressed . We have a quiet weekend ahead of us . Katie will be here Sunday afternoon for her lesson and to help put music away . I will be labeling the new music I received probably this evening and Saturday while the TV is on entertaining Mom . We have a new movie we need to watch too , as well as finish up the Season 8 of Walker , Texas Ranger . We have enough for entertainment while I do a bit of work this weekend . I don 't know what lessons I will have this Monday as it is labor day . I will be home , but I don 't know what the plans are for my students . I shall find out soon , I expect . The hospital bed is still in the living room . I have called again to have them come and get it . They still haven 't . I wonder if they are even going to . It takes up a lot of the space in the living room that can be used for other things , like a sofa and the table chairs for the little ones . That helps with the siblings entertainment during lessons that is really important because we need quiet siblings during the lessons ! I hope they take it this weekend . It is bothering me having it here . It needs to go , completely go . Mom is a bit chatty today , it is kind of cPosted by I went to the cardiologist this afternoon . I do not have a heart problem . His opinion is that the stress test was normal and since everything else was normal , the pain was not from the heart . Since I found out that fibromyalgia can imitate heart pains , I think that is what it was . Mom got up rather late today . I let her sleep in because she was so tired . She got up a few minutes before Angela arrived . It worked out quite well . Mom got her hair washed too and the blood is now out of her hair from the fall . She seems to have recovered nicely from it . She isn 't really sore in too many places and she went up and down the stairs just fine . No major problems with that ! She went with me to the doctors as usual . It was a long wait for a few minute visit . I hate waiting for doctors , but what else can we do ? While we were at the doctors office there was a storm , but fortunately we didn 't have any damage . Saturday is Richard 's birthday . He will be 46 years old . He is 3 1 / 2 years older than me and 4 1 / 2 years older than Andrew . I wonder what he will be doing on his birthday ? I plan to call him and hope I get a chance to talk a long while with him . Mom is slightly grumpish right now . Not really grumpy , grumpy , just a little off . She got mad when I told her that her prescription was in and we would pick it up tomorrow . She actually got mad at that . Now she is fine again since I told her it was going to rain . Hard to tell with her what is going on , sometimes it is exhausting figuring her out . Her favorite game is playing with paper so I try to make sure she has paper to play with . She loves envelopes too so when I don 't need an envelope , I just pass it along . Sometimes she is amusing too . She wants to hit the road now . I asked her where she wanted to go and she doesn 't know . Alzheimer 's , what an interesting , crazy disease . Not much going on tonight . We may meet up with Robin tomorrow , that will be fun . Since the physical therapist came today , she will be here on Saturday . I think her schedule is busier than mine at times . I have a bPosted by Mom is home . She did not get a MRI done because the neurologist didn 't want to do one . She didn 't see the same thing in the CT scan results as the emergency doctor . Yes , there is some shrinkage , which is normal for Alzheimer 's . Right now she is in the living room sleeping even though I don 't really like her sleeping this late in the day . However , today was not a normal day , so she can sleep away . She didn 't have a nap today or yesterday so I imagine she is exhausted . I am and I had a brief nap yesterday , mind you it was at about 6 : 30 pm , but it was a nap , nonetheless . I am glad they decided not to do a MRI because they would really need to knock her completely out for it . She would flip . I have had one and I can 't see her being able to handle it . I didn 't like it one bit and I had to have 2 of them . That is definitely one experience I never want again . The main reason they didn 't do one was because if she had a stroke , there is nothing they can do about it . It would be a silent stroke , not a major one where there are symptoms . Vascular Dementia is usually caused by strokes and that is what Mom has , according to the neurologist at the hospital . We both just got lucky that she didn 't break anything . I am relieved to have her home and resting . I am pretty calm over the whole thing now . Pain level has gone down a bit since the meeting with the neurologist this afternoon . I was in a lot of pain last night that I had to come down and take another pain pill just so I could try to get some sleep . I should sleep very well tonight with both of us here . I called her neurologist to let her know Mom was in the hospital again and why . Tomorrow I have to have the hospital fax over the reports to Dr . T for her records . When I go into the cardiologist tomorrow I will let Dr . G know that Mom is home and she is fine . The cardiologist is in the same office as our family doctor . Makes it easier to have the records in one place . I also found out that the tummy doctor now comes once a month to my family doctor 's office too . I still justPosted by I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
I got some new pain pills for the pelvic pain . Unfortunately , they DON ' T work . When I took them last night , on the way home from the store , they never kicked in . I am so bummed about that because this pain is really bad . I can 't get a hold of the OBGYN that I need to so I guess it is the emergency room for me because I can 't handle another day / night of this excruciating pain . I do have a UTI , but that does not explain the pain . I am supposed to have the ultra sound tomorrow . When Tillie arrives today we will head to the hospital . I don 't want to go , but I can 't take the pain anymore . I haven 't really slept in over a week now since the pain started last Monday . On a lighter note , Mom has had her first bath with the hospice aide . She is very nice and thorough . She will do Mom 's hair on Mondays and Fridays because that is what I requested . I don 't think it needs to be done more than that . So far , I like all the hospice people . We are waiting for one more person to arrive today to meet with Mom and I . I think it is the spiritual advisor . I don 't know exactly what he does , but we will find out . Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays will be Mom 's bath days at around 1 pm . I like that they have appointments with us because the other company , you never knew when they would come . It changed from week to week and day to day so your whole day was shot because you couldn 't plan around it . With hospice , it is appointments so you know when they are coming . The nurse will be here either tomorrow or Friday to check on Mom 's sores . I have called , again , the company that the hospital bed is from . They were supposed to call me back in 15 minutes . This was an hour ago . This happened the last few times I called . There is a new hospital bed waiting to be delivered for Mom . I am so unhappy about this because the new bed is waiting to be delivered . They wanted to deliver it yesterday but they can 't until this bed is gone . I want this bed out of my house . I don 't really want the new one , but it is an air type bed which will be better for Mom . It is a special bed for her that will help heal the sores and prevent them from coming back which is exactly what we need . I am not happy that I have to put it in the living room , where I teach but all my students are aware of what is going on so no surprises there . If the kids don 't know , the parents do . I will make the bed up everyday so it will look nice and neat . I don 't like that Mom loses her privacy , but what else can I do ? She is having trouble with the stairs and she needs a bed where she won 't get sores on . I am sure after a few weeks it will be fine and we will both be used to it . I hope your day is going well . It is very nice out here right now . The sun is shining and it is a bit warm , not too warm , but a bit warm . Enough to fill your soul . I feel so much better today ! Tons better ! It is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders . I met with Melissa , the hospice nurse , and she spent about 4 hours here filling out papers , talking , answering questions , even giving Mom her bath since we can 't have the other home care aide do it since we are now a hospice family . It is amazing what they do , simply amazing . I almost cried so many times today from relief . Of everything I done and the decisions I have made , this was the best one yet . They will be here from now until the end so how cool and great is that ? I mean , if she falls , they will be here , if she gets another infection ( which will probably happen ) they will be here , if I need something in the middle of the night , they will be here . Also , Dr . G , our family doctor , is also on board with all this . He wants to remain her doctor until the end , so really , how cool is that . If , though , for some reason , he can 't be gotten a hold of , they have their own doctors on call , so we are so covered it is unbelievable . Also , most of her medicine is now covered . I only have to pay for her synthroid and namenda , so I am excited about that . They also will cover her briefs , no more shopping for briefs , they will send them to me . The hospital bed we currently have in the living room must go back because they will be sending me one that is an airbed , specific for people like mom who have problems with skin breakdowns . I am just so relieved over everything . The best thing ? She said Mom has time . She has some left . She gave me hope too , something I haven 't had in a long time . Yes , I know Mom is dying , but she isn 't going to die in the next few weeks , she has some time left . Also , Mom can be a hospice patient indefinitely , she can be recertified over and over again until the end . Overall , it is the best situation we can be in for this horrible situation . Mom will still be dying day by day , but I have help in making her last days better for her . She will be pain free and comfortable . That is what is the best . If Mom neeThe pain level for the fibro has dropped dramatically today , however , the pelvic pain is still excruciating . I did call the doctor 's office and asked for pain medicine for this . I am hoping a prescription will be called in tomorrow for me . We shall see . Overall , I must say today has been the best day all summer and so far this fall . Mom is even doing better today than she has in over a week when she went to the hospital . She is talkative ( okay , I don 't understand half of what she is saying ) and she even ate a whole bowl of cereal , something she couldn 't do sometime . She hasn 't had much of her Ensure , but she is looking perked and talking , so something good has happened to her . I hope your day has been as good as mine . It has truly been one to remember , I have help with Mom . Whatever I need for her , I can get . I can 't express how relieved I am over this whole situation . A nurse from Hospice will be here in the morning . At 11 am to be exact so we will be getting out of bed earlier than usual . The other times we could have her visit were when I would be teaching so that wouldn 't work out plus I would like the assessment done as soon as possible . I can 't believe we may be at the point where hospice is called . The physical therapist , Lori , suggested I call them so I went online to get the information and they called this afternoon . I knew it would happen soon but was not ready to hear that today , although a part of me was wondering how one gets hospice involved . I called and left a message with Richard so he would know , but that is about all I can do . Tillie will be here for the assessment . I have been reading a lot today to keep my mind of tomorrow . The pain is still there but I am getting used to it . I hope it is something easy that will be fixed immediately because , quite frankly , I can 't handle anything else . My friends , both online and in person , have been very helpful and hopeful for me . I am trying to remind myself that this doesn 't mean that anything will happen right now , it is just to make sure Mom is taken care of , which has always been my goal . My focus has always , and needs to always be , on making sure Mom is taken care of . She is sleeping in the living room right now . She also , has almost finished her Ensure so I am pretty positive she will at least start another by nighttime which will be the first since she came home from the hospital . Like Kathy said , maybe she just needed a few extra days to recover from the hospital . I have known for a few days that Mom is taking another step down . I can see it even if I choose to ignore it which I do a lot . I am not blind , I can see how fragile she is , but I do firmly believe that if she doesn 't use her muscles she will lose her muscles . I also think that her routine should not be broken if she can still do it , so until she can no longer get in a car , we are going out everyday . It is good for the both of us . That I know for sure . She enjoys going out with me . When we come home , she is tired , so she takes a nap . Yes , I know , she sleeps more than she is awake right now . It was bound to happen . Tomorrow I also have to go to the Doctor 's and give another urine sample . They lost the one I did on Friday . The doctor wants a culture of it . I hope to have answers soon . I am going to go and get one of my favorite books and continue reading and being quiet . I am not really hungry for dinner , but I will make myself something small . My heart is too sore to eat , but I must keep up my strength or I won 't be any good for Mom . Hi ! Well , I have been very lazy this day . I slept in and I took a nap . I needed the nap as for some unknown reason I have been very tired lately , very , very tired . I mean , I was up for 2 hours and needed a nap , that is rather unusual for me . I finally caved and went into the living room at about 3 and slept for about 2 1 / 2 hours . I could have slept for more but the phone rang and I was hoping it was big brother letting me know he got my email . The new pain is in the pelvic area and it affects walking , sitting , laying , and standing , so essentially anything I do makes it hurt worse . The Darvocet plus Tylenol seems to take the edge off it , but it still hurts . The one place I sit in the living room with the feet up makes it hurt less . I have looked online to see what it could possibly be and I hope it is something easy because the other choices scare the daylights out of me . I won 't know more until after I get the test results back from the one exam and the ultra sound , which is Thursday . I have an appointment next Friday with the Doctor . He can 't give me any medicine until he knows what it is . That scares me too because usually he can come up with what 's wrong and here is the medicine but not this time . I have a dread pit in my stomach that has never been there before and I am trying to be positive about the whole thing , but I am fighting a losing battle with myself . Never have I felt like this before . It is new to me . How on earth do people handle this type of situation ? I really need help with this . All my brain can go to are the worst case scenarios and that is just not me . I am an optimistic person , have been forever , and now I am pessimistic ? How does this happen ? All I know is that this pain is worse than the blood clot pain that I had in 2005 . It is worst than the chest pains I had . At least those pains went away and I had really good pain killers for them . I don 't have much for this . It is hard getting Mom 's pants and shoes on because I have to bend too . I try not to let her see that because she will cry and not understand what is going on but I have never put her pants on or taken them off so fast in my life . Zip , zip , done . Until this is diagnosed I can 't help but dread getting Mom up in the morning or putting her to bed at night . We go to bed a bit earlier than we did last week because I am so tired , but Mom isn 't tired and doesn 't want to go to bed . She goes up with me but doesn 't want to lay down in her bed which is exactly what I want to do . Anyways , I hope you day is better than mine ! This pain has got to go . Maybe it will mysteriously disappear like it appeared ? I could get lucky , one never knows . I am very tired today . I did have to get up a bit earlier than usual for the doctor 's appointment , but I took a nap and I don 't feel like I did . I am still tired . We will be heading to bed early that is for sure . I didn 't get any medicine from the doctor to help the pain . I have to have a Ultra sound next week and then I will see him the week after for test results . Until then , I will just have to take pain pills to help the pain . Ugh , is my answer to that . I was hoping for an easy answer for this one . Why do I get the ones they are puzzled over ? I know many of us get strange things , it isn 't just me . I am lucky though because I have supportive friends and family . Tillie is coming over on Wednesday afternoon to stay with Mom while I have my super early ultra sound appointment . I have to get up at 6 am to drink 40 oz of water . You can stop laughing now , yes , I said 6 am . The appointment is at 7 : 30 am . Mom won 't have to woken up to come with me now , which I was concerned about . I am not looking forward to getting up that early . Of course , I will probably go right back to bed when I get home . Or at least , take a long nap in the afternoon . Tillie kind of chuckled at the time too . I don 't blame her . I was somewhat laughing at myself for the same reason . I am so not a morning person . I usually get up between 11 to 12 noon everyday . I have been looking up stuff on the Internet about the pain , but no answers so far jump out at me . I am going to stop looking up anything because it only scares me more . I do hope it is nothing serious . I really do . Mom is doing okay . She isn 't drinking as much as she normally does , but I am encouraging her to drink more . She did pretty well going to the doctor and then our usual . The only hick up today was when we were leaving Timmy 's , she didn 't want to get in the car right away . She was sure she didn 't want to get in the car . She , of course , eventually did . I don 't know why she gets that way , but she does at times . Maybe we should have gone to the drive through . I don 't know . She is slowly slipping away from me and I am not liking this . Not one bit , I want my mom back , the one from a few years ago before she got sick . That 's the one I want . I do know deep down she is the same mom , but this new , scared all the time Mom doesn 't seem to enjoy stuff like the old Mom did . However , I will keep her , this Mom is better than no Mom that is for sure . I do appreciate that I still have one as many of my friends don 't . I was reading one of my regular blogs and the topic was comments . I just want you to know , I read and appreciate each comment I get . I really do . I love reading what you write to me and the encouragement I get is awesome . I do hope this finds you doing well and having a good day . Despite being tired , it has been an okay day , didn 't like the doctor 's appointment , but then who does ? Overall , it has been a good day . I can 't get to the doctor until tomorrow . Great , it hurts really , really bad . Of course , it started on Monday and had I made an appointment earlier in the week , I would probably not be in pain right now . What can I say ? I am sick of doctors and I thought the over the counter stuff would work . That aside , I am really tired today for some reason . Probably from the extra pain , but hey , with Fibro , who knows ? I think in a few minutes I will head to the living room with the little Mom and take a nap . I am that tired today . I didn 't sleep very well most of the night . Mom looks tired too but she usually takes a nap in the afternoon anyways . We could have gone to our usual this afternoon after all . I have been waiting for the home health care aide to arrive to give Mom her bath . I just called her because she is never this late . The office didn 't call her yet to let her know she can start . It would have been nice to know earlier because we didn 't go . Mom only ate 1 / 3 of her cereal and she has had a few sips of her ensure . She has got to finish at least 2 of them today . That is my goal . Naps are over . I was so tired I had to save this post and finish it later . I was that tired . Mom and I headed into the living room and sat down and took naps . The pain is still pretty bad but the pain pills are helping . I could just scream at myself for procrastinating on this . Not much happening for the rest of the evening . We are watching HG TV , Mom is slowly , and I mean slowly , drinking her 1st Ensure of the day . I really need her to be drinking at least 3 of them a day . She just isn 't thirsty or hungry right now . It has me worried about her . Is she going down ? Seems that way to me for right now . I hope this finds you doing well today . We are just very tired around here . Could be the effect of extra pain , I have an appointment for tomorrow . I hope he can fix this and then be done with it . I have pain where I have never had pain before . Unfortunately , this pain is not associated with Fibro and I will have to go to the doctor . Over the counter stuff isn 't cutting it . It is better than yesterday , but still rather bad so tomorrow morning I will call the doctor and go . Ugh , like I can afford another doctor appointment . I already owe this particular doctor over $ 800 . I am slowly paying on it . The good thing though is that I am able to make a small payment tomorrow towards the balance , unless a miracle happens and the over the counter stuff works and the pain is gone ! One can daydream you know . It is possible . The darvocet is totally kicking in now , ahhhh , finally ! It has been a quiet type day around here . Mom slept in , which I expected as the little person is very tired from no sleep for the last 4 days . I mean , she did get some sleep , but you can 't tell me that a person who is woken up every 2 hours to be turned , gets a good night sleep . She sure did last night . We went to bed about 9 : 30 so she was in bed about 10 : 00 pm . Mom woke up at about 12 : 30 pm this afternoon . We went to our usual after we got up . We ran into our friends there , they were almost done by the time we arrived . They were so happy to see Mom . Mom said she was glad to see them too . She is very polite and courteous , that is just Mom . After we were there for about an hour , we headed home . I checked my email , read a few blogs , and then turned off the computer and went into the living room . Mom was already asleep , no surprise there , I truly expect her to sleep quite a bit in the next few days . I sat on my chair , what a relief , and fell asleep for about 2 1 / 2 hours . Evelyn the nurse , arrived about 5 pm to check Mom out . She saw the new sores on Mom 's bottom , they are in stage one , just on the surface . The one that Mom had when she went into the hospital is gone and 2 more have arrived . I hope they are gone in a few days . I have good cream for them . Mom is slowly getting back into drinking her Ensure . So far , she is still on the first one . I expected this . It takes a few days for her to get back into drinking 3 to 4 of them a day . Overall , the new pain is overshadowing the fibro pain so I will get that taken care of tomorrow or at least I will try to get an appointment for tomorrow . I really hope so . Mom is doing well and seems to be happy to be home . As expected , she is afraid to be anywhere I am not . This is normal for her when she gets out of the hospital . She hasn 't cried much today , so yeah ! on that . Overall , I am very pleased with her progress today . I expect that she will sleep in again tomorrow and by Saturday or Sunday she will be back to her regular sleep pattern . Remember , she has had 4 days of totally interrupted sleep . I did enjoy the time I had to myself . I read a lot ! I love reading ! I was able to talk to Richard , which was awesome , and basically , I thoroughly relaxed and recharged the batteries ! It is a bit difficult to help her get dressed and undressed with the pain , but I am doing pretty well . Mom is getting better at walking again . She went up the stairs last night and down the stairs this morning really well . She didn 't have any problem and I was ready for one . She was a bit nervous coming down this morning but she stepped down like a trooper . Mom is a bit nervous over all for walking and going up and down stairs , which is to be expected since she was not walking for 4 1 / 2 days . I would say though , that I am very pleased with her progress . Now on to other issues with me and we will be just fine ! It is supposed to be very hot tomorrow , yuck . I hope to remember to bring shorts upstairs tonight with my clean undies and socks when I go to bed . Yes , I know , it would be so much easier if I would bring my clean clothes upstairs when they are finished but I don 't . I plan to , but things happen and then I forget . I hope this finds you doing well . Fall begins tonight after 11 pm and tomorrow is supposed to be hot . Hm , not the fall weather I have been enjoying . Yes , the little Mother will be home after 5 pm today . After 4 days in the hospital , it is about time . Although , I will freely admit I enjoyed my time to myself . I am on book 6 of the books I got . ( 1 from Kathy and 5 from the used bookstore ) . I greatly enjoyed reading whenever I felt like it and I feel like my batteries are recharged . I am ready to be caregiver full - time again . Right now she is in stage 6 , but slowly she is being pulled into stage 7 , which is the last stage . I only hope and pray that stage 7 is painless for her . I will have more help at that stage because it is the end . Medicare does help pay for end of life and that is where she is headed . I don 't know how long I have her , it could be years still , but stage 7 is the end of it . She remembered who I was all day yesterday . When I got there ( I only visit for about an hour at a time , as I need her to sleep and rest ) the doctor was there . The night time nurse was with the day time nurse as it was shift change . She asked Mom who I was and Mom , being her silly self , said , hm , I think that is Heather , my daughter , and laughed ! It was very cute . She kept saying my name over and over yesterday to talk to me . She wasn 't upset when I left , which has been the case the entire time she has been there this time . I have her room already for her . I was going to wash her blankets while she was gone , but I was too busy reading . I didn 't do much work around the house at all . I was completely lazy ! Completely ! I did have to do one load of laundry as I was out of the essentials ( undies ! ) But other than that , I did nothing but enjoy my time to myself and boy did I enjoy it ! With Mom in the hospital , usually I would be in more pain , because the last few times it really stressed me out . This time ? No extra pain ! How cool is that ? I think because we have been through this before and it may happen again , I was prepared for it . I knew she was in good hands . The doctors and the nurses are wonderful , simply wonderful , at the Beaumont Hospital . She gets great care . I don 't have to worry about anything while she is there . Anything she needs , she has . They are very good with this stage of Alzheimer 's , which is a great relief to me . All the nurses think Mom is super sweet ( she is ! ) and easy to work with . They all know she doesn 't like to be rolled over , but they do it ever so gently so she doesn 't get to frightened . My head has been it 's normal self , not bad headache since Friday , my knee is getting a bit better . It doesn 't hurt as much right now , and the Fibro seems to be under control , the best that it can be . Today anyways , with Fibro , who knows ? It could change in an instant . Anyways , my NCIS starts tonight and I am excited about that . I am hoping that Mom is able to handle watching that show as it is one of my all time favorites . She did well a couple of weeks ago when we were watching it . At 8 pm I will be in the dining room watching my beloved show . I did watch a bit of Dancing with the Stars last night and it was good . I got tired so I went to bed . I had some pain from the yeast infection I have and it kept waking me up . Who knew a little thing like that could be so painful ? I didn 't . I have some better medicine now , so I am hopeful it will clear up quickly . Never want one of those again . It is simply beautiful out , simply beautiful . It is about 84 degrees with zero humidity , so quite lovely . I only wish Mom and I could take a walk in this beautiful weather , but we can 't . She just can 't do it by herself anymore and I can 't ride a scooter and push a wheelchair at the same time . We will both just enjoy looking out the window , we do like to do that . I can 't really say I have done anything to exciting while I have had time to myself . I have read about 4 books now ! Love reading , although I am a bit more tired than usual . When Mom isn 't feeling herself it makes me more tired because she needs more help . Now that she is getting excellent care for the infection and dehydration , I can relax and I have been . I thought about going to a movie , but there isn 't anything I really want to see so I looked in the DVDs that we have and their are several movies I have been wanting to see . I have to watch them when Mom is either sleeping or not here because TV can be scary for her . I did let the nurse know not to turn the TV on in her room , not just because I don 't really have the money to pay for it , but because unless it is HG TV , some of the shows can scare the living daylights out of her . She thinks that some of it is real and happening in front of her . So , I have scaled back what we watch on TV . I am hoping that I will still be able to watch my NCIS , but I am not very hopeful . Now that I am alone , I plan to watch a couple of movies that I have been wanting to see . 2 of them are the MacGyver TV movies that were made after the series ended . I loved that show . I also have the Percy Jackson movie too . I do plan to get the Ramona movie when it comes out and I think Mom will like it . I wanted to see it in the theatre , but we just never got the chance to go when we were both awake enough to see it . In the afternoons , when we usually go to the movies , Mom is sleeping for her nap time . I talked to Richard today ! That was exciting ! I talked to him for almost 40 minutes . I gave him the lowdown on Mom and how she is doing , even though I will see her this evening . I am not sure if I have any lessons this afternoon or not , so I am not leaving until after the time , just in case . They are every other week and this should be the week , but one never knows with this particular family . I don 't want to miss the possible 2 lessons , so here I stay . Richard , the older brother , is very concerned on how does Mom keep getting these infections . I would like to know too because the poor little Mom has had 3 since May when she first came down with one . Anyways , I told Richard I would be finding out for him and for myself . Okay , just called the Alzheimer 's Association , once they get them , it is very , very easy for them to get again . Since I take care of that part of her , I will be more vigilant on this so she doesn 't get them again . I can 't be lazy , I think there is another reason too , but that one I can 't do anything about . Richard is on his way to Toronto for a week of work . He wants me to keep him posted ( which I would anyways since I send weekly updates to him ) on any changes on the little Mom . I don 't know when he is coming to see her , if he even can because he is still out of work and he has got to take the work when he can get it . He did want to know how I was doing and I told him I was alright , not great , but alright , which is the truth . I did tell him about the bad headaches I have had in the last few weeks , but basically we are doing okay . Our bills are being paid and that is the important part . He asked about money and I said we are able to pay the bills and put some on the back 2009 property taxes , which I have been about to pay about 1 / 4 of the bill so far . I am excited about that . Paying my car off has really helped in that area . Richard said it was a good idea to pay off the car , he wasn 't upset over that at all which is good . Basically , he wanted the rundown on Mom and I , and I gave it to him like itI am just waiting to see if Rachel and Rebecca I am much more relaxed this time with Mom being in the hospital than the other 3 times . I went to the used bookstore and bought 5 new ( well , new to me ) books to read , plus I am reading one Kathy loaned me . It is really good so far . Mom is doing alright , she looks tons better than she did yesterday . When I was in Tim Horton 's ( yes , I even go by myself ! ) the owner , Mary Ann , said Mom didn 't look to good yesterday either . Which I totally agree on because , as we all now know , she wasn 't feeling very well . Her lips are moist now with all the fluids she is receiving . They are going to start cutting down on the fluids tomorrow to see if she will eat more . I most definitely gave them the low down on her and food . I told the truth , she doesn 't eat much but she will drink about 3 to 4 Ensures a day when she is healthy . It 's the truth , she doesn 't eat much food . She has a donut and sometimes a muffin for brunch , a piece ( 3 oz ) of chicken breast for dinner , and if I am lucky , some veggies to go with that . Usually I am not that lucky . The doctor asked about a pick line for her for food and I told her Mom can swallow , she just doesn 't eat a lot , so no need of a pick line for her . She is on the same floor she was last time , so I know she is in good hands and I am going to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet while it is here . Mom will be home before I know it and then it won 't be quiet like it is right now . I was going to do some laundry , but , hey , I will do it tomorrow . I don 't feel like doing it right now so I won 't . I feel like reading , so I am going to . It is so quiet in the house right now , I am loving this . Of course , Mom isn 't that loud , but the fact that I have the whole house to myself right now , is nice . At night I leave a couple of lights on so I can sleep . I can 't sleep in a totally dark house by myself , just can 't do it . My head is doing a bit better today . Definitely not as sore as it was yesterday , but still a bit sore . I have been a bit stressed this week . I stress myself out is part of the problem , and also , when Mom isn 't as cooperative as she usually is , it stresses me out . Now I know why she wasn 't very cooperative , but at the time I just thought she was being difficult . Well , not much happening today other than the visit with Mom . I try to go when she is finished eating because , quite frankly , I don 't want to feed her . That is their job while she is there and when I go and it happens to be a meal time , I end up feeding her and I just don 't want to . I feed her at home ( when she needs it ) and I don 't want to feed her when she is there . I went after 1 pm and her lunch , untouched , was still sitting there , so I ended up feeding her . I was kind of upset because , come on , just sit with her and feed her , not that hard to do . She will let you know when she is full . She ate her boost pudding and drank a bit of the boost juice and was full . Normal to me , that is her in the hospital . She loves pudding so I always give her the boost pudding first . I don 't buy it at home , I buy regular pudding for her because the boost stuff is very expensive and you have to send out for it . You can 't buy it at a regular store around here . Besides , I figure with the amount of Ensure she drinks , she doesn 't need the boost puddings , just regular puddings . Aggie didn 't have her lesson because she is sick . Poor kid , 3rd week of her junior year at MSU and she has a cold . I think her roommates have one too . Ugh , doesn 't sound fun to me . Well , it is raining out today which is probably why I have a bit more than usual of a headache . My joints are a bit achy from it too , so I am going to curl up with a book and have a good read ! yes , peaceful reading time for me today ! Perfect day for it . I may even take a brief nap as I am a bit tired too . Well , the reason Mom has been off for the last couple of days ? She has another urinary tract infection , a bad one this time . Poor thing is in pain too with it . She has a headache and her neck is sore too . I don 't know why . I need to look up her new pain patch to make sure it isn 't causing the headaches and neck aches . Lori , the physical therapist is the one who really thought that maybe she has another infection so after our usual , I took Mom to the ER . A few attempts at a blood test ( 2 veins collapsed on her ) they finally were able to get the blood culture that they needed as well as the regular blood tests . They did a urine sample but they did it a bit different this time . It is causing her a bit of pain to because of how they did the tubing this time . I felt so bad for her . I really do because between the headache , neck ache , and the tummy pain , she is not happy . The pains come and go though , they don 't stay all the time . So naturally , by the time the nurse arrived , the pain was gone . She does have her pain patch on so I am hoping that helps . I expect that in a couple of days she will feel better . I woke up with a really bad headache this morning . I had to come down and take some pain pills super early and then within a half hour I had to take some tummy medicine along with the pain medicines . It finally went back to the normal pain by the time Mom got up in time for physical therapy . Mom 's physical therapy is on hold until she gets back from the hospital . I hope she isn 't too weak this time , she usually is , but I hope she is much better this time . I also hope this is the last time for a long time . We have been to the hospital between the two of us five times since end of May . Not a good record for us . Mostly for her . I have some lessons this weekend . I am not sure what time I am teaching on Sunday , but I have 1 lesson Saturday at noon . The one good thing with Mom gone for a couple of days , is that I can get some groceries without needing to get a sitter for her . I want to pick up a few groceries and then do a good shopping after Wednesday . It has been a terrible day so far . I have cried so much today . Mom had trouble coming down the stairs , she refused to which started the crying off . Every once in a while she has trouble and I know it . Usually I do much better at handling it . I go back up the stairs and pretty much hold her all the way down . Today I just cried . She wanted to talk to someone else , several someone elses , like the manager , the other lady , the commissioner , everyone but me so that made me cry harder . Finally , I stopped and then she was fine , like nothing happened . She got in and out of the car fine and we went to our usual . She didn 't eat much of her donut though , which is unusual for her because she loves her donuts . I am fine now . I don 't really know what caused the major meltdowns , I am not in any more pain than usual so who knows . We all have our bad days , I am just glad hers isn 't too bad too , that would be a nightmare . She is in the living room right now resting . I don 't know if she is sleeping , she might be . She was so tired yesterday . Last night , it was kind of cute , she wouldn 't go to bed when she was falling asleep at the table , just like a little kid . We finally did go to bed around 9 : 30 which is normal for us . It takes me about 20 or so minutes to get her ready and then we sit on her bed for a few minutes . I tell her I am going to move her , when I do she gets a bit upset like she does every night . If I don 't move her though she moves her legs over the edge of the bed and that causes back pains for her , so that is why I move her to the middle of the bed . She doesn 't like being moved into bed or out of bed , but I know that and it doesn 't bother me one bit she says , oh , oh , oh . I just move her like I need to and that is that . Things should improve by 4 pm because I have 1 lesson today . Mom is getting her bath today too . I can 't wait until next week when Angela comes back . This new one is nice , but she doesn 't do a very good job with Mom 's hair . I don 't even think she did anything to it on Monday . We use some no rinse stuff that is much better for Mom because she doesn 't like being cold when I wash her hair in the sink . We got it from the hospital and it works really well . I like it a lot . I plan to use it with her for a very long time because it does work so well for her . The trick is you have to wipe her hair with a wet wash cloth to get the dirt and oil out of her hair and I don 't think the new girl does that very well . I also don 't think she dampens Mom 's hair enough to get a good foam for it . But I am not too worried , because Angela does a great job and she will be back on Monday from her Honeymoon . Other than the lesson and Mom 's bath ( which will happen right near each other ) there isn 't anything going on in the house . I may go out for a quick trip to the store to get some milk and bread with Mom , depending on how tired she is . We don 't need much , but there is no milk in the house or bread and with the trouble she had today , a home breakfast might have been the best way to go . I had no choice but to take her to our usual because we had no food in the house for me to eat breakfast . I don 't like cereal with ensure , it upsets my stomach . It is going to thunderstorm soon , I can already hear the thunder . I guess that fits my mood . I am very worn out from the meltdowns this late morning / early afternoon . It all happened around 12 noon . I am going to join Mom in the living room for a nap , I hope I feel much better when I wake up . Right now , I am exhausted from crying so hard . I guess sometimes you just need a good cry and I haven 't had one in a long while , not since Mom was in the nursing home in June . I have been stressing for about a month now about fitting in a hair cut for Mom . She , I thought , just needed a trim . Well , I asked her today if she wanted to get her hair trimmed . She said no . All this time I have been worrying for nothing . She doesn 't want her hair cut . Okay , no haircut for Mom . Sigh . Sigh . It would have saved me a lot of worrying and stressing if I asked her in the first place , but I didn 't . Sigh . What can I possibly say to this new revelation ? Mom doesn 't want her hair cut . Okay , so now that worry is over , on to others ? I don 't have any right now except that she is sleeping a lot more than she used to . I did expect it , but when it happens it kind of slips right past you at first . She also had physical therapy . The therapist asked to talk to me . If Mom doesn 't show an improvement in Fridays session then that will be it . Quite frankly , the fact she can do any is great for me . What do they want ? What type of improvements do they want ? She has Alzheimer 's for goodness sake ! She is in stage 6 , slowly slipping into stage 7 . I mean , really , what can you possibly expect from her . I would say that fact she can follow any direction at this stage is a good thing . Really , an improvement ? She forgets what she is doing in the middle of doing it now , that is normal . I have to remind her to continue down the stairs at times or up the stairs . It isn 't that she can 't do it , because she can , it is just she forgets what she is doing about midway . That is a normal thing for her . That is why every step I remind her " one foot up " . That is how we say going up the stairs . To tell her to go up the stairs is pointless because she doesn 't know what that means . However , she does know how to move one foot up at a time so that is what I use . I tell people to talk to her with short commands , she can follow short ones . She did great when she had to get a CT scan and X - rays at the hospital . The technicians did exactly what I asked and they were able to get her to do what they wanted . I just don 't know what some others want from her . She can 't improve too much , she is too far gone for that . I need her to keep the little muscle she has left going . If the physical therapist does end the sessions , that is actually going to be okay because I bought ankle weights for Mom and we will do them together . My complaint is trying to understand what type of improvement she is looking for with Mom . I don 't understand that . I know she is going downhill . I see it daily . I know she doesn 't have much time left but let 's make what time she has fun for her as best as possible . On a good note , Mom got some new Curious George books , Corduroy books , and Clifford the Red Dog books from our friend , Donna . Mom loved them . She has flipped through them a couple of times since we just got them . I am going to fix her son 's jeans for her . They have a hole in the butt and need a patch of some sort . I may have to get an iron on patch because I don 't know if my machine will be able to go through the old iron on material . We shall see . I haven 't really looked at them too much yet . I will tonight or tomorrow . I am kind of tired right now so I might take a nap too . I hope that is what Mom is doing . Nothing too exciting over here this afternoon . I don 't have any lessons , but I do think I will change the tablecloth to the fall one . I just have to move 2 piles of bills and stuff and my computer to put the new one on . We got 2 of them the other day . I also have one for Halloween . I hope to see my big brother , Richard by then . I miss him a lot and I know Mom does . Although since she has talked to him on the phone , she has only asked for him once , so my theory worked . If she talks to him , she doesn 't miss him as much . The fixation she has disappears ! He may call again this week if he can fit it into his schedule with everything he has to do and the time difference . That is the biggest challenge , is the time difference between here and Seattle . I wonder how the kids are doing with school ? hm , I think I will drop them an email and see . We were supposed to have an association meeting tonight , but apparently , there wasn 't because no one mentioned it to the lady 's whose house it was going to be at . Oh well , I don 't mind . I was having a hard time getting Mom in and out today . She is just tired , that 's all , nothing wrong , just a bit tired . She gets more tired easier than before , which is to be expected as the disease progresses . She is fine now . Looking cute in her little hoodie with the fleece jacket on top . Her friend stopped by and I thought he was going to cut her hair , but he didn 't stay very long , so I will be taking Mom to get her hair cut . We actually had the time this afternoon had I known , but it isn 't that much of a big deal . Another time will present itself . The social worker came today from the Home Health Care Company . She wasn 't that helpful . She did give me the names of 2 people that may be able to help me , but overall , she got the same info I did when I did it myself . The hospital bed is still here . I am getting rather annoyed . I will be calling them again tomorrow . I want it gone by the weekend . It really is in the way as it moves the princess table in the middle of the floor . Now fortunately , all my students navigate around it well , but still , to me , it is the way . I definitely need it gone by Christmas because I need the area for the Christmas Tree . We haven 't really had a good tree for the last few years and I want Mom to have a nice Christmas this year . It could be the last one she remembers , well , sort of remembers , how about enjoys , that works . It could be the last one she could enjoy . Right now , the disease seems to be at a standstill , which is great , I hope it stays for a while . Last year , between Thanksgiving and February , she went downhill fast . It seems that her disease takes giant steps down , she stays at one level for a long , long time , and then giant step down , and repeat . I want her to stay her for a long while because the next stage is stage 7 and that is the end stage . I don 't want to see that stage for an extremely long time . Today has been a good day for us . The only glitch was that I thought Mom had an appointment with Dr . Gradolph and as it turned out , they cancelled the appointment because he wants her to try the pain patch first and then see him in a few weeks . So we sat there for a few minutes before we found that out so all in all , we didn 't wait too long before I found out . We went to our usual after that and low and behold , Rosemary arrived shortly after ! So how cool is that ? Pretty cool , if you ask me . So we sat and visited with her while we ate our brunch . We haven 't seen much of her this summer because her uncle , who she takes care of , has been rather ill . He is 90 and is not doing too well . It is very sad and I know she is sad about it . He lives in assisted living and she is with him quite a bit . She also belongs to a garden club and a doll club as she collects dolls . I have a few dolls ( collectible types , not antique ) to donate to her for the doll club raffle . I just have to pull them out and then give them to her . I am not sure exactly where the dolls are right now , but I know they are not far . After our usual , we headed to Walmart to fill Mom 's prescription . We were going to go and pick up some milk , but as we got to the clothes department , I noticed she was getting a bit tired . We turned around and headed back to the pharmacy department . As soon as we got into the department , the phone rang and her prescription was filled so we picked it up and headed home . When we got home we took naps . I was tired and I knew she was . I put her new pain patch on her shoulder that is bothering her and went and sat in my chair . I love that chair . It is the only one I can sit on with my feet up that doesn 't bother my legs or hips . You can see why I love that chair plus it is so comfy . I had one lesson after the social worker left . Charlie is doing really well for his lessons . He has been practicing which is good . We also laugh a lot during his lesson . At the conclusion of his lesson I put Mom in her fleece jacket to head for the association meeting . I just got Mom in the car when Irv ( Rosemary 's husband - really nice guy ) pulled up to tell me there was no meeting . So I got Mom back out of the car and we went back into the house . I asked her if she wanted some ice cream and she said no , so back in we went . We are now watching HGTV You wouldn 't believe the weather we are having ! It is spectacular ! I mean , totally awesome . I have the dining room drapes open , the front door open , and we just got back from Timmy 's and Walmart . Even Mom wasn 't cold or too hot ! Talk about a shocker ! It is simply gorgeous out and I hope it stays this way all month . I need weather I can breathe in and this is it . Yesterday , I really had a hankering for some Chinese food after a friend of mine mentioned on face book he was getting some . Well , I should have picked something else . I had a tummy ache for the rest of the night from it ! I was having second thoughts about it because Mom was sleeping upstairs and I really didn 't want to have to get her back down and into the car , but I did . Should have passed on it . I tried something I haven 't had in years and now I know why I don 't eat that particular entree . Will have something else next time because I love Chinese food . We used to go out to eat about once a week until this summer when Mom really stopped eating a lot of food . I mean , a chicken breast ( and only the chicken breast ) is getting to big for her and it is only 3 oz cooked . I don 't take her out to eat much because she doesn 't eat enough and I end up eating it ( which makes me gain the weight ) or throw it away . I miss her being able to enjoy food more . But overall , it is to be expected with this disease and I am thankful she can still enjoy her donut and milk at Timmy 's in the noon time . She actually wanted some of the chili I got today . I usually get bagels , but today sounded like a chili and sandwich day , so that is what I did . She wanted some so I gave her a few spoonfuls and then she was happy . I mean , it was weird , she really wanted some chili and was starting to get upset because she didn 't have any . I asked her if she wanted to share mine and her answer was , I thought I was getting some too . So I shared . I knew getting her own would have been pointless because after about 4 spoonfuls she was done and then we would have practically an entire bowl of chili to take home . I got the adorable ones , Calli and Acer , some Timbits today . I was going to get them on Thursday , but we need to rearrange our timings on the visiting day because of what time the kids get home from school and the fact that Heather B - T must pick up Acer from school . I hope they like the kinds I picked . They aren 't picky eaters which is nice . Our neighbor stopped me this afternoon . He had received a phone call from another neighbor concerning us . Usually , we get complaints about something from this neighbor , but it wasn 't . She wanted to be able to get a hold of me about some books she has . Well , I thought , wow , no complaints ? Hey , I will talk to her about books . So she may call me . We shall see . I didn 't know she is an avid reader like I am and she now knows the situation with the little Mom so maybe she will stop being so hard on us about the yard . I know it isn 't the greatest , but the lawn is cut regularly and trimmed nicely . Yes , we have a totally empty space in front of the house from where the bushes were , but Andrew moved before he fixed it up . I don 't have the money or energy to deal with it . I didn 't inherit the green thumb that Mom , Andrew , and Richard all have . Mine is black . I can kill a plant just by looking at it . I have tried gardening , and well , I grow weeds very well . Of course , that is what is in the gardens in the back yard , all weeds , but nobody but us can really see them , so no complaints . I think we have 1 bush left of the carpet roses that Mom put in 9 years ago for my graduation party . Anyways , I have 2 choices , I can either work on the yard or take care of mom , and we all know who wins in that competition , Mom . Got to take care of the little lady , even when she says , i don 't know who you are and I am not going with you . She said that this morning when we arrived at Timmy 's . Fortunately , I knew it wouldn 't last and it didn 't and she finally got out of the car for us to go in . I think perhaps it is time to have some milk and bread in the house regularly for moments like this when she won 't get in the car or out of the car in this case . Right now , we don 't have any milk or bread in the house because they usually go bad before we finish them . Hm , we shall see how the rest of the week goes . We can get some really good bread from Panera 's . They have such yummy stuff ! i also want a bread maker to make my own bread . Well , this turned out to be rather long . Bob should be here in a few minutes for his lesson . I hope your day is good too . Ours is so far . Oh yes , I almost forgot . We got the septic tank cleaned . 3 years until the next cleaning ! That means I take good care of the tank ! Yeah ! I learned from Mom ! Have a great afternoon and evening ! Richard called back to talk to Mom . He is my older brother who lives very far away . He is the only one of us three who has children too , William and Abigail . He is married to Jennifer . The best part ? Mom hasn 't asked for him since she spoke to him on the phone . I talked to him a bit after Mom did and he was shocked at how out of it she sounded . Well , that is her now . I don 't know if that will encourage him to come and see her sooner or frighten him into not coming . Hard to say . It has been a pretty good day today . Mom 's friend , Jose , came up to Tim Horton 's while we were there and stayed and visited with Mom for a bit . He is very nice . We had some errands to run but Mom was getting really tired so he said he would take Mom home and watch her for me . Wasn 't that nice ? I leaped at the chance of having some alone time to run errands . I had to go to my friend 's house to pick up some stuff and then to Sam 's Club to pick up some Ensure for Mom . She was practically out of the Ensure . I think we opened the last bottle this morning . She is upstairs sleeping right now . I checked on her a bit ago and she was asleep . She sure says some funny things today , had me laughing . Pain level is pretty okay today too , not too high . My head is a bit high right now , but only a tiny bit . I think I need to eat dinner and then it would be fine . I am thinking maybe some Chinese . We haven 't had any in a long time . I will get the dinner and share with Mom as she won 't eat a full dinner anymore . If Mom is still asleep then I will wake her up because it is getting late and I don 't want her not to sleep tonight . That would not be good for the little lady . It is really beautiful out today , the sun is shining and the sky has white puffs of clouds . It is just simply gorgeous . The one thing I have noticed about this disease , is that I have slowed down , like so many have . I have the time to look at the area around me and notice when it is beautiful out and when it isn 't . I have a great view of lots of trees when the dining room drapes are open . My neighbor has so many trees in there backyard . ( We are a corner lot so I look into their backyard from our house ) We have a hedge of bushes that are so tall it is unbelievable . They should be cut down , but I can 't do it and neither can Mom . I am not worried about them . They aren 't big enough to be in the electrical wires yet . The neighbor 's trees are in the wires , and that does worry me because it can cause a fire . Overall , I have a very pretty view that a few years ago I might not have noticed as much . Definitely a better day today than yesterday and most of the week too . I am happy today again . Life is good , not the one I planned , but a decent life nonetheless . The leaves are starting to change color in my back yard already . Wow , fall really is here ! yeah for that ! Soon will be Christmas , my favorite holiday . I do hope we are in Seattle for it with my older brother , Richard and his family , but I don 't know for sure . We shall see . Here we go again , I accidentally erased the post . I didn 't mean too , but I did and of course , right after I did that , it automatically saved . We had book club today ! At first I was afraid we wouldn 't but Maggie was just late , which was fine . We talked about so many things . It was wonderful ! I really enjoy book club a lot . It is fun once a month getting together and chatting . I gave her the scoop on Debbie , Katie , and Aggie , as the three of them no longer can join us . I miss them , but since , outside of Debbie , I see them , I don 't mind too much . One thing that has been getting to me is Mom asking for Richard . She asks for him a lot , and I mean , a lot . When I can 't produce Richard , she cries . When I tell her he is in Seattle , she cries . It is really starting to upset me . I can 't help that I am not Richard . I do the best that I can do by her and at times it doesn 't seem to matter to her because I am not Richard and that upsets me . Sometimes I make sarcastic comments to her like sorry I am not good enough which make her cry but usually I just ignore it . It is getting harder to ignore that . I was telling Maggie about it because Mom started to cry after she asked where Richard was this afternoon . I called Richard and asked him to call me back to talk to Mom . She can still talk a bit on the phone and I think if she hears his voice maybe she won 't be so upset all the time . She spoke to Andrew on the phone on Monday and she really enjoyed it . I don 't know what she remembers , what she doesn 't about the phone call , but I do know she calmed down asking about him . I am hoping the same thing happens when she talks to Richard . Anyways , I hope he calls me back this evening . Mom will really like talking to him and I am hoping she will stop asking me where he is because it is really bothering me . Maggie said when she comes back from vacation she and I will go and have a chat about it . She has some ideas . Maggie is a great help with things like that . I will have Carolyn come and sit with Mom while we go out . I have read great posts about 9 / 11 and where people were when it happened . All I can say is I will never forget what happened nor will I ever not be thankful and grateful to the people who serve our country in the Armed Services . Thanks to them , we are free . So if you or a family member serve , I thank you everyday , not just today . It 's Friday ! I don 't know why that would excite me except it brings me 1 day closer to Book Club ! ! ! I just love book club . Even thought it will be just Maggie and me , I haven 't seen her since July and boy do I want to hear about the rest of her summer . I am so glad summer is over . We are doing alright now and I aim to have us stay that way ! My project of the season is going to be Mom 's room . I am going to have the room redone in some ways . I am not going to do crazy redecorating , just some simple things that Mom will like ( I think ) . Now that she doesn 't know what is hers and what isn 't , it is finally safe to declutter her room . One of the effects of Alzheimer 's is hoarding and Mom is a pack rat to begin with , it isn 't quite like the people on the hoarding shows , but it is still rather dangerous for the little person . I want to put the bed frame in the garage for now because someday , it will go back in her room , when she is no longer mobile . then I will put the bed back together . It is a high bed and it will be easier to change her with a high bed so I don 't want to sell her bed at all . Not when I plan to use it again someday . For right now though , it is in the way and I manage to step on the railings quite frequently when helping Mom in or out of bed . Then I need to go to the storage unit and get her Mickey Mouse snow globe out . I hope I didn 't ruin it by putting it in storage . I thought we were moving , but it turns out we weren 't . I plan to do that this weekend , I think . I just have to find the right box it is in . I am not sure which box it is in , and I also want to get the other snow globe ( Beauty and the Beast ) out too . I do hope they are in good condition . I would like to have her room painted pink . She likes that color and with the white curtains , I think pink would look nice . The boxes at the end of her bed will be removed and those clothes will go in the empty drawers and closet . It would be nice to be able to get into her closet . Right now , I have to move a couple of boxes in order to open her closet door and you can only open the right door because there is a big box in front of the left door . Anyways , by Christmas , I want her room looking spiffy . I want it to be a haven when she goes in to bed and very calming for her . She needs calming things around her at all times because I can only imagine having Alzheimer 's is NOT calming . The winter project is my room . I am not repainting it as I like the color of the walls . I don 't necessarily like the curtains , but I will price some to see if I can afford 2 pairs as I have 2 windows in my room . I want them lined though because my room does get quite cold . It is the coldest room of the upstairs , which is great for sleeping , but not for anything else . I want to get my pictures and stuff back from storage and put them back out on my dresser again . I also want to hang up some pictures on the walls . I need my stuffed animal collection back out on my chest of drawers . I want my books back in the bookcase and then my Anne of Green Gables Figurines on my dresser . I want my room to be my haven when I go to bed instead of the empty room with piles it is right now . I don 't know what to do with some of the stuff I have , I am going to get rid of some , but not all . I just have to decide what I really want . I will move the rest of the Winnie the Pooh beanie babies down to the piano because that is where most of them are right now , so the collection needs to be complete . I hope to pace myself very carefully so that I can do these projects . I will probably need some help as I can 't really lift anything that is over about 5 pounds because of the rods in my back . I figure in the next week or two I will make a list for Mom 's room and then divide and conquer ! I really want a nice looking room for her . It has been cluttered up for too long and she has some nice pieces that are hidden . I may move some of her paintings from other rooms into her room . I don 't know , we shall see . My knee seems to be improving a bit . It isn 't quite back to normal yet , but I am hopeful it will soon . I hope the knee flare up goes away soon . Several people I know are in flare ups right now , there must be something in the weather . Ugh , hope they all feel better soon . We ran into Lily and her mom , Julie at Tim Horton 's this afternoon . I saw Lily enter and I thought , I must be seeing things as she is supposed to be in school . Unfortunately , she hurt her foot and had to go to the doctors . It was so nice to talk to them . I haven 't seen them much this summer . We both have been busy , but mostly they have been very busy . I am waiting for the lady to come and give Mom a bath . She should be here any minute now . It has been a week since she has had a good one and I want her hair washed . It should be okay to do today because it has been over a week since she fell so I want it done well today . It has been rather confusing getting the home aide here because our usual one is on vacation for 2 weeks . It should be all taken care of now , I hope . I can 't wait until Angela is back and we are back on schedule . Not much happening today because I have no lessons and we aren 't visiting because of the bath and the new schedule for the young children at the B - T 's house . With the start of a new school year comes many changes to schedules as most of you know . I am not sure what time we will be visiting , but we will get it in somewhere because I really do enjoy it and so does Mom . I had my boring blood test again . I missed the appointment two weeks ago and before the office calls me to tell me I forgot , I thought I better make an appointment . The nurse found the vein right away and it went fine for a change . My veins are very hard to find at times and they don 't always behave nicely for nurses . I can clear a room of nurses just by signing my name . Pain level is normal for me . It is beautiful outside , not to hot , not to cold , just perfect . Mom is chatting away right now . It is really cute to see her do this . I wish that she would do this when certain people are around , but she clams up around them because they make her nervous so she doesn 't speak . Maybe I should video this . Hm , I will think about that . Once again it is beautiful weather outside . I am really loving this so far this fall . I know fall doesn 't officially start for another few weeks , but hey , kids are in school so to me it is fall . It isn 't too bad of a pain day for a nice change . The head is its normal pain level ( I have a headache everyday and have had one for 6 years straight now ) so I am thrilled and my knee seems to be behaving . It isn 't back to normal , but it is getting there . Mom did wonderful at physical therapy today . Lori came earlier than usual , but that was alright and fit great into our schedule . She called and by the time she got here , Mom was dressed and brushing her teeth . ( She is back to doing them on her own again ) I brought her downstairs , gave her her medicines , and then put her shoes on her . After that , Lori took over and I went to get dressed . I was so pleased that Mom did well even without me cheering her on like I usually do . I am trying not to interfere with Lori 's work , but sometimes I can get Mom to do better by cheering her on . Lori now cheers her own the same way I do and that seems to help quite a bit . I will miss the physical therapy when it is over next month . I bought ankle weights that mom and I will use to give us both strength . I just pray she doesn 't go into the hospital again . Tomorrow Mom gets her bath . It won 't be done by Angela because she is on vacation ( honeymoon ! how cool is that ? ! ) but by a new worker for us . She wanted to come at 8 to 8 : 30 am . Now , we all now I am NOT a morning person , but Mom isn 't either . So I had to tell her that wouldn 't work . She said that she has 2 people in our area , Mom and another lady , but still , I am NOT getting Mom up any earlier than I usually do because she would be exhausted all day long and that would NOT be good . So we compromised and said about 10 to 10 : 30 am . I can do that . No way I can do the other , absolutely not happening . I like that Angela always came around 12 : 30 to 1 : 00 pm , but we can use this new time to our advantage as I will wake Mom right as soon as she arrives . She can get ready and I will get Mom and then she will have her bath and be all ready for the day , so it will work out for us . Mom usually sleeps until 10 to 10 : 30 am anyways . I know because I check in on her . I took a wee nap today and had some strange dreams . Sometimes dreams are really weird when I take naps . I wonder why ? Hm , something to ponder in the future . Bob had his lesson and he is learning his songs quite well . He is playing his first piano invention by J . S . Bach . He is putting his hands together for the first time on the new part and it was really good , slow , but good . My saying always is , if you can 't play it slow , you can 't play it fast . Of course , a problem is once you learn it fast , you really can 't always play it slow . But when learning , you need to play the song slowly and then speed up as you practice more . That has always worked for me and my students . Acer , Calli , and Charlie all had lessons yesterday . It was quite a busy afternoon for a bit . I loved every minute of it . Acer showed me his new jazz piece he composed . He composes often and I wouldn 't be surprise that when he is older he will be a composer . Calli is doing super well on her jazz piece . I simply love the song she is playing and the next song she will play is also a cool jazz piece . She will be starting to sing in the next week or two too so that will be fun . I have some of the books out now and I need to copy some songs for her and put the piano parts on a CD for her to practice . Katie wants to have a chat with her on the virtues of going to competition and singing in the ensemble as we are one short for an ensemble this year and with Calli we would have enough . I don 't know if that will happen , but Katie is a determined teenager and I think she will just love Calli . I also know that Acer could participate in the ensemble if he chose too . It is entirely up to them , I will not make anyone do anything but I do understand how much Katie loves singing in an ensemble and I have some cute music for one . Katie is a character for sure . Charlie is also doing pretty well with his lessons . He got a couple of exercises marked off because he sight read them perfect . I actually expected this , but he didn 't know that . The book reviews a bit from the previous book so that is why I expected it . Charlie also plays the drums which thrills Acer . I told Acer that Charlie played the tenor drums in marching band , but I wasn 't sure if he played the 5 ( apparently it is 6 ) or 1 drum in the band . We waited for Charlie for the answer . Charlie thought it was really cool that Acer is very interested in drums . He thinks he is a neat little man , which he is . I hope you are enjoying the fall weather . It is supposed to warm up a bit tomorrow and by the weekend , but I don 't mind , it won 't get too hot for me . Also , I just received a phone call from a different worker ( the one who called yesterday ) and she is coming for Mom at about 4 : 30 tomorrow . I had to call the office and let them know so this time is better for us because we won 't have to wake up earlier than usual . I hope they get this straightened out . I missed the phone call yesterday by about 5 minutes and they were worried they wouldn 't get a hold of me . So , the bottom line is , the timing for the other woman is much better than the first so we are going with the second lady ( who in fact was the first to call me ) . As long as Mom gets a bath , that is all that matters to me . It is really beautiful out right now . I mean , simply gorgeous ! I am really liking the nice cool weather we are having . Mom is taking her usual nap in the living room . I am waiting for phone calls for lesson times . It has been a busy couple of days for us . First we went to my Uncle 's yesterday and that was a lot of fun . Andrew couldn 't be there because he was studying ( as a good student should ) so he called just to talk to Mom . That was great because Mom really liked that . We will hopefully see him a few weeks when we go back . Tillie wasn 't there either as she was working on her house , but that really was a good thing , as my cousin , her granddaughter , went into labor while we were at my uncle 's ! Yup , little Esther Ruth decided to come a bit early ( 3 days I think ) and so I have a new cousin in the world . I am excited about that . I can 't wait to see her in a few weeks when we go over . Another cousin . I have so many . Speaking of cousins , Maia is now a grandmother for the 2nd time ! Hard to believe , but true . I did get to see Elizabeth ( Danielle 's daughter ) briefly yesterday . She is a little doll . We got home rather late because we needed to take Maia to her place to drop off her stuff and then drop her and Danielle off at the hospital to see Lia . Mom was really tired , but she went up the stairs all right , a little slower than usual , but she did great on them . She sometimes forgets that our rooms are upstairs so I have to remind her and then she is like , oh , okay , let 's go then . I expected a bit of a rough time for her because we were out so late and the car ride was longer than normal , but she did fine . I got her up , changed , and in bed in no time . Now for me , well , I was really sore last night after I put her to bed for some reason , I mean sorer than usual . My hips and lower back were just screaming with pain . Finally , about 2 hours or so later , I fell asleep . I woke up at the usual time though , so that was a nice surprise and i am not really extra tired right now like I would have thought . We have a quiet week with a few lessons that I am looking forward too . I also want to go to Joann 's to get a nice fall table cloth . I love the spring one we have had one since March , but now it is fall and I need one to reflect the season . Mom loves picking them out with me . I couldn 't decide between two of them for spring , so she made the final decision . She made a good choice . This weekend I was honored to receive an award for my blog by a fellow blogger named Missy Schantz . She is a fibro girl like so many of us . I was very happy and thrilled to know that she likes reading my blog . A writer likes knowing that she is read and liked or at least I do ! ! ! Anyways , she gave me the cutest award picture that I have absolutely no idea how to post on my blog so I am going to try to post the award in this post . Here is my try : It worked ! ! ! Yeah ! I will try to post it on my blog and we shall see if it works . Isn 't this a really cute picture of an award ? ? I thank Missy for it . Her blog is also very interesting . If you get a chance , go under my followers and find Missy and then click on it and then you will get to a page where you can read her blog . Had a great day at my Uncle 's ! One little incident . I discovered Mom does not do well with liquid Tylenol . Yeah , it makes her literally sick to her tummy ! Thank God for Michelle who helped as I was a little green myself during the incident . Not my best moment as a caretaker . I will be giving Michelle all the Liquid Tylenol for her little guy , the adorable Jayson . I have 1 lesson this morning . I am excited about it because I haven 't seen my Katie since June and I miss her . She should be her shortly . I can 't remember exactly what we were working on , but I will find out soon ! When she arrives . She is also going to ( I think ) help put music away . I am not sure . At this point , if it gets done , fine , if not , fine too . It doesn 't bother me as much as the hospital bed in the living room does . Mom is getting stronger with the physical therapy . I bought her ankle weights to use after physical therapy is over . She and I will be doing exercise together . I think she will like that as she always used to like exercising . She is doing much better with the cooler weather than the heat . Katie had her lesson and surprise ! I have 2 more lessons this evening . Rachel and Becca will be starting up again today . What a nice surprise ! I haven 't seen them since competition in February . Katie also filed ALL the music in the living room . Yup , except for the stuff I pulled , it has been put away . I am very excited about this . I can use both benches in the living room right now ! Not that I can play 2 pianos at the same time , but if I have a student who wants to , I certainly can ! How exciting is that ? Very in my book . Mom is taking a wee nap . After Katie finished the filing we went to Tim Horton 's for a treat for her then Mom and I headed to Walmart to pick up a few items like her medicine . I also got 4 notebooks for $ . 15 each ! Since I thought I had bought them last week only to discover I bought graph notebooks , I needed them . I also picked up a packet of 10 pens and a magazine to read later . All in all , a good day for us . Tomorrow we are going to my uncle 's for the day . Maia is coming with us . Should be fun , I think . Tuesday I have to make an early phone call to see what I can do about this bill that I totally forgot about and it does mean disaster for me financially . Bad move on my part , I am so angry at myself for forgetting . This mess that I am in is totally my fault , but I am hoping I will be able to tPosted by It is so beautiful out . It is nice and cool . So cool , in fact , I had to change into sweats because it is too cold for shorts ! Ahhhh , my kind of weather . Mom has 2 little jackets on to keep warm , 1 hoodie , and 1 fleece . She looks so cute all bundled up like that . Someday I will be able to post a picture of it just as soon as I find that cord ! Yup , still looking ! I finished updating the piano catalogue . I need to update the voice one but that music is out so I can 't right now . I now have 761 piano pieces ( including books and individual sheet music ) for my students to choose from . I hope to not have to buy anything new this year . I really do . My file cabinets are getting full and there is no room for a new cabinet , none whatsoever . I even remember to list the songs on the books that aren 't piano courses or lesson books . This way , when I search by song , it will pop up to be found . Katie is coming to help put away all the music that is sitting out . It definitely needs it . I am keeping all the Christmas stuff out though because we will be starting that soon . There is music all over the living room , in the family room , and in the office that need to be put away . I hope she has time tomorrow after her lesson . I really do because I would love for this stuff to be put back where it belongs ! Not to exciting of a day , we had physical therapy for Mom and she did awesome ! I mean , it was really good how she concentrated on her exercises . She did a fantastic job . Aggie had her lesson and then we went to the usual for an afternoon snack . Mom is napping in the living room right now . A little later than usual , but that is okay because she won 't be sleeping much longer . She usually does about 2 hours a day for a nap . I try to have her nap from about 2 to 4 , but today we didn 't get home until after 3 so that is why she is still sleeping . My arm is a bit sore from all that typing so I will end this now . I was able to talk to the big brother , Richard , and wish him a happy birthday ! He is 46 years old today . Mom and I both got to wish him Posted by We are waiting for Robin to call so we can meet for lunch . She is getting her hair done and I am getting really hungry . I mean , really hungry , as I haven 't eaten at all today . That would be because I did just get up , but seriously , I am getting Olga 's Restaurant hungry . I hope that is where we are going today . Mom is coming too . Robin has a railing for a bed for Mom that I hope will help her not fall out . Now , she hasn 't fallen out yet , but I like to do preventative measures instead of after the incident ever since she wandered out of the house last year , 3 times . Now she is blocked in upstairs and has no where to go . She can wander away all she wants up those stairs at night and before I wake up . She usually just lays there until I come into her room . Then we get up and get her dressed . I am almost always dressed before I get her ready . It makes it much easier to do when I am already dressed . We have a quiet weekend ahead of us . Katie will be here Sunday afternoon for her lesson and to help put music away . I will be labeling the new music I received probably this evening and Saturday while the TV is on entertaining Mom . We have a new movie we need to watch too , as well as finish up the Season 8 of Walker , Texas Ranger . We have enough for entertainment while I do a bit of work this weekend . I don 't know what lessons I will have this Monday as it is labor day . I will be home , but I don 't know what the plans are for my students . I shall find out soon , I expect . The hospital bed is still in the living room . I have called again to have them come and get it . They still haven 't . I wonder if they are even going to . It takes up a lot of the space in the living room that can be used for other things , like a sofa and the table chairs for the little ones . That helps with the siblings entertainment during lessons that is really important because we need quiet siblings during the lessons ! I hope they take it this weekend . It is bothering me having it here . It needs to go , completely go . Mom is a bit chatty today , it is kind of cPosted by I went to the cardiologist this afternoon . I do not have a heart problem . His opinion is that the stress test was normal and since everything else was normal , the pain was not from the heart . Since I found out that fibromyalgia can imitate heart pains , I think that is what it was . Mom got up rather late today . I let her sleep in because she was so tired . She got up a few minutes before Angela arrived . It worked out quite well . Mom got her hair washed too and the blood is now out of her hair from the fall . She seems to have recovered nicely from it . She isn 't really sore in too many places and she went up and down the stairs just fine . No major problems with that ! She went with me to the doctors as usual . It was a long wait for a few minute visit . I hate waiting for doctors , but what else can we do ? While we were at the doctors office there was a storm , but fortunately we didn 't have any damage . Saturday is Richard 's birthday . He will be 46 years old . He is 3 1 / 2 years older than me and 4 1 / 2 years older than Andrew . I wonder what he will be doing on his birthday ? I plan to call him and hope I get a chance to talk a long while with him . Mom is slightly grumpish right now . Not really grumpy , grumpy , just a little off . She got mad when I told her that her prescription was in and we would pick it up tomorrow . She actually got mad at that . Now she is fine again since I told her it was going to rain . Hard to tell with her what is going on , sometimes it is exhausting figuring her out . Her favorite game is playing with paper so I try to make sure she has paper to play with . She loves envelopes too so when I don 't need an envelope , I just pass it along . Sometimes she is amusing too . She wants to hit the road now . I asked her where she wanted to go and she doesn 't know . Alzheimer 's , what an interesting , crazy disease . Not much going on tonight . We may meet up with Robin tomorrow , that will be fun . Since the physical therapist came today , she will be here on Saturday . I think her schedule is busier than mine at times . I have a bPosted by Mom is home . She did not get a MRI done because the neurologist didn 't want to do one . She didn 't see the same thing in the CT scan results as the emergency doctor . Yes , there is some shrinkage , which is normal for Alzheimer 's . Right now she is in the living room sleeping even though I don 't really like her sleeping this late in the day . However , today was not a normal day , so she can sleep away . She didn 't have a nap today or yesterday so I imagine she is exhausted . I am and I had a brief nap yesterday , mind you it was at about 6 : 30 pm , but it was a nap , nonetheless . I am glad they decided not to do a MRI because they would really need to knock her completely out for it . She would flip . I have had one and I can 't see her being able to handle it . I didn 't like it one bit and I had to have 2 of them . That is definitely one experience I never want again . The main reason they didn 't do one was because if she had a stroke , there is nothing they can do about it . It would be a silent stroke , not a major one where there are symptoms . Vascular Dementia is usually caused by strokes and that is what Mom has , according to the neurologist at the hospital . We both just got lucky that she didn 't break anything . I am relieved to have her home and resting . I am pretty calm over the whole thing now . Pain level has gone down a bit since the meeting with the neurologist this afternoon . I was in a lot of pain last night that I had to come down and take another pain pill just so I could try to get some sleep . I should sleep very well tonight with both of us here . I called her neurologist to let her know Mom was in the hospital again and why . Tomorrow I have to have the hospital fax over the reports to Dr . T for her records . When I go into the cardiologist tomorrow I will let Dr . G know that Mom is home and she is fine . The cardiologist is in the same office as our family doctor . Makes it easier to have the records in one place . I also found out that the tummy doctor now comes once a month to my family doctor 's office too . I still justPosted by I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
I like working and I like my job much more than I thought I did . I loved being with my son for the first year , but I am generally much less stressed being at work than being home all the time . I like using my brain to solve detailed technical problems . I like spending time with adults and discussing systems , processes , politics , etc . I need and want more me time , but can survive without it . I have always spent a lot of time alone , and liked it . Prior to Baby , I had alone time , since Husband & I have always worked different schedules . Since Baby , I don 't have alone time , maybe once a month I get a couple of hours . I do have the subway ride to and from work , which is about half an hour alone in the middle of a sea of people . I still miss having more alone time , but it isn 't killing me . I really am a clean freak , even though my home is a disaster ( my opinion that it is a disaster , not everyone agrees with me ) . There is never time to do the cleaning , evenings are so busy and short and I can 't vacuum after Baby goes to sleep . Husband works on Saturdays , so it is me and Baby alone , and near impossible to get anything done . Sundays are the only day we have together as a family , so we want to spend time together instead of doing chores . There are so many times when I hate my home , it makes me cringe how bad it is ( to me ) . I don 't have to work brutal hours to do a good job and receive props . Before Baby , I used to work really long hours during projects to make sure everything got done . Since being back at work , I have been leading a team working on a huge very important project . I leave work before 5 : 15pm every day , now I am also in earlier than I ever was before , but still , I am putting in less hours in the office . Things are getting done , I am prioritizing better , spending less time gossiping and doing a better job of delegating instead of doing everything . I don 't think that work is the most important thing and it doesn 't define who I am , even though it is a big part of my life . Just like being a mom isn 't the only thing I am , it is a part of me . I am able to balance work & the rest of my life much better than I was expecting . Prior to Baby being born , I thought that I would have a hard time being at home for a year , and thought that I would want to go back early . Once Baby was born , I didn 't think or care about work at all . As my return date neared , I really dreaded going back and leaving Baby to be cared for by others , but for financial reasons there was no choice . The hardest time was probably the few weeks prior to returning to the office when I was taking Baby to daycare to gradually get him used to it . When I was out alone during those days , I felt like I was only half of myself . I had gotten so used to him being with me all the time that I didn 't feel whole without him . When I realized this , it was really unnerving . Who had I become that I wasn 't o . k . by myself . I am one of those people who like being alone , I have eaten in restaurants , gone to movies , travelled all by myself ( I have gone to bars by myself , but I was always meeting someone so that doesn 't count ) , and now I was feeling weird going to Starbucks or Timmy 's alone . Once I was back at work , I actually felt happier and less tired , although I am still tired , it is a different tired . Baby is doing great at daycare . We were really lucky that we were able to get into a very good daycare not to far from home ( 2 subway stops & a 5 minute walk ) . He really seems to like it there and amazingly he sleeps really well . On the nights that he is at daycare he is down by 8 and stays down until around 5 in the morning . Now , if only I could get to sleep earlier , although I would miss Husband if I went to bed earlier . Another great thing is Husband has totally stepped up . He is doing the mornings with Baby , giving him breakfast , getting him dressed and dropping him off at daycare so that I can get to work early enough to leave in time to get him from daycare . Although it was hard last Saturday when Baby cried because Husband was going into work and leaving him alone with Mom . So except for the guilt ( which is slowing ebbing away ) , going back to work seems to be the best thing for our family . Baby is happy , making friends , and learning tons of stuff . Husband is spending more time with Baby and their relationship is flourishing . I am more content and a lot less frazzled . The birthday party was great , it was a small gathering of family sharing their love for my little one . Baby received lots of lovely gifts , nice clothes , fun toys that he really likes . The best thing by far was his first cake . We had both chocolate and vanilla - his first time having cake , why assume that he would prefer one over the other - and he loved it . His face was hilarious , kind of like ' this is the best thing in the world ever , Mom , Dad , why have you not given this to me before ? ? ? ? ' . I did miss a lot of it as I was in the kitchen dishing out cake for others , but it was awesome . Husband & Girlfriend made arrangements for a night out for me , the first one since I became pregnant . I wasn 't nervous about Baby , although was nervous for Husband , this was the first time Baby was going to be without the Boob for bed - time . The thing I was most nervous about was over - doing it , I knew that Husband was telling Girlfriend to get me drunk and to bring me home very late . Instead we had a great time , went to 3 different bars , had dinner and talked for hours . I did drink but did not get out of control . It was a great night for me . I don 't think Husband 's night was so great , but he did a great job . Baby 's actual birthday was a quiet day - I was pretty tired from being out on the town the night before . I did tell him the story of his birth and the days after until he came home from the hospital . I explained how much we loved him and were so happy that we had him . I also sang happy birthday while he ate his sweet potatoes . The day after his birthday , Baby walked . Baby has been standing & pulling himself into a stand forever . Before he started to really crawl , he would take steps if you held his hands but as soon as he was crawling , he refused . ( He is very independent and would prefer to crawl on his own then walk with help . ) He has been cruising for about two months and for about the last month lots of people have been saying ' oh he is going to be walking any day now ' but he didn 't . Then suddenly he just took two steps by himself . I couldn 't believe it , I made all kinds of exclamations and did a little happy dance . I grabbed the camera and kept asking him to do it again , and he did , he took about 5 steps across the kitchen and I managed to get it on video . The funniest thing was that Baby 's expression was ' why is Mom so excited ? I am just walking ' . Husband was very sad that he missed it , but Baby did walk for him 2 days later . It reminds me that for all the crap stuff that Husband misses , he also misses good stuff . Seeing how sad Husband was , makes me think about how sad I will be when I miss stuff once I am back at work . So one of the day - cares that we were wait - listed for called and advised they had a spot opening next month . Although this day - care is not in the perfect location for us , they do have a really good rating with the city and I did like the place a lot so I jumped on the opening and we are now registered for day - care and will have a few weeks to transition Baby in . One less thing for Husband to worry about . Up until this week Baby has only eaten pureed foods , except for cereal and cake . Every once in a while I would give him other stuff but he wouldn 't even put it in his mouth . This week for both his lunch and dinner I gave him solids . Finally today , he started eating it , he didn 't have a lot and most of it ended up in his bib or on the floor ( he feeds the dog ) . So , lots of new stuff . I was thinking how as adults our world doesn 't change constantly , things are pretty stable especially compared to how quickly a baby 's world changes . Even when the surroundings don 't change the baby 's perspective changes since their own bodies are constantly changing and growing . Baby 's seem to deal with change so much better than adults , I hope that Baby will always handle change so nonchalantly as he handled his first steps . My new profile picture is one I just love . It was taken by my brother of me walking on the Brooklyn Bridge . I love it for many reasons ; It is a cool picture , and I looked really cute that day . Mostly though it is because that was a really special week - end . At the time I was traveling a lot for work ( about 75 % of the time ) , I loved it but did not spend much time with loved ones . My brother was going through a rough time with his family and really needed a break , so I took him to New York for the week - end . It was great in so many ways , I felt like I was doing a good thing helping my brother briefly get away from his troubles , it gave my brother some space & fun , and it was really the first time that we bonded as adults . Growing up we had a love / hate relationship . We used to fight like cats and dogs , I thought he was lazy , selfish , rude , self - centered , he thought I was a little witch ( his word was actually not that nice ) . At the same time , we relied on each other a huge amount and would always back each other up to Mom or Dad . I think that this dynamic is pretty common for children of divorce , your sibling is going through the same thing you are and is a constant in the back and forth between parents . On this trip we were together for a whole week - end and it was good . We did touristy stuff ( Empire State Building , Brooklyn Bridge , Times Square ) , we shopped ( normally I shop shoes , but we shopped a lot of sports stores ) , ate at diners , we walked and walked and walked . My Brother is a huge basketball guy and we were able to get tickets into a March Madness game in Madison Square Gardens . It was fun , but the best part was seeing my Brother happy & excited . He called our Dad from the Brooklyn Bridge to say Hey - I am smoking a stogie on the Brooklyn Bridge and called his buddies from the game , even though you couldn 't hear a thing . Posted by Children are so much more technologically advanced than their parents . Baby set himself up on Twitter before I set myself up . His tweets are pretty funny , and interesting as I sometimes have a different point of view about the same event . Also a bit scary knowing that he is following Stewie Griffin from Family Guy . The jewelry from Loophole Jewelry is beautiful . I have a few pieces myself and always receive tons of comments & compliments when I wear them . The pieces are unique and wonderful . When I was pregnant a couple of people made comments about getting the unborn Baby on waiting lists for day care . I thought they were joking . They were not . For the first bunch of months after Baby , there was no way I was doing anything other than keeping him alive so no day care searching . The next bunch of months I was in denial about having to ever leave Baby , so of course I didn 't do anything about day care . Reality finally did settle in and I started searching . I went to the Provincial web site for child services and searched for licensed day care in our area . I then created a spreadsheet to track the information and started calling . Everywhere I called had waiting lists of one to two years . I asked to be placed on the waiting lists . I then started waiting . Meanwhile , Husband kept bringing me names & phone numbers of home care givers that he was picking off of bulletin boards . I didn 't call any of them - I really wanted Baby in a Day Care , not in home care . A mom at the library group we go to advised me to visit / call frequently as she believed that if the Director likes you and has you top of mind , you might get bumped up the list . So , I started re - calling all the places , checking our status on the list and requesting tours / interviews . Bunches of places will only give tours once you have a placement otherwise they are spending all their time giving tours . I did go to my number two choice day care and fell in love with them . Baby was on his best behavior and was flirty and charming with the Director & staff and did not hit or bite any of the other babies as requested by me ( I was thinking maybe they would love Baby so much that they would want him to have the next spot ) . It is still looking like a long shot for the day cares , so I started to call agencies that manage home care providers . It is a compromise , in that the agencies are licensed by the government and oversee the care providers , checking on them once a month plus doing things like background checks . After my first visit / interview with a possible home care provider , I am thinking about trying to bribe the day care Director . The lady was very nice , but I just feel that a day care will be a better option for Baby . We have another interview this afternoon , and regardless of what I think of this one , it will probably not be a valid option . Husband is very uncomfortable with the neighborhood and doesn 't want me and Baby in that area , especially at night . For the first 3 days this week , Baby has napped twice a day for a total of 3 . 5 - 4 . 5 hours and has slept pretty well at night . I was starting to think that we were getting somewhere . A lot of the naps were not in my arms , which was great because I needed phone time to follow up on all the day care waiting lists we are on . I was still going to sleep too late to take real advantage of his better night sleeping , but was feeling more energized nonetheless . Yesterday - Day 4 - the naps were much shorter . The dog woke Baby up with useless barking ( why does the dog need to bark when mail / flyers are dropped off ) and I was not able to get him back down even though I was pretty sure he was still tired . So , during the evening he was cranky and clingy but I was able to get him off to bed before 8pm . Up again at 12 : 08am , I managed to crawl back into bed about 1 : 30 , but was up again at 2 : 30 . I then spent the rest of the night sitting up in Baby 's room with both of us in and out of sleep until 5 : 40 when he was up for good . Interesting that he seemed to be really feeding a lot during the night ( most nights he seems to be sucking while not really feeding ) . I am wondering if I am not feeding him enough during the day even though he is getting 3 solid meals a day . ( Cannot wait until he can communicate hunger separate from everything else ) . So of course , since he was up at 5 : 40 am , he ended up going down for a nap at 9 : 30 am the morning we have ' Ready for Reading ' at the library . We did not make it . Probably sadder for me since this is the one time a week I get to interact with other moms . I swear that Baby 's sleep pattern is worsening by the day / night . It feels like he is sleeping less and less and will only sleep with a nipple in his mouth . I was cutting him some slack as he was teething , however the teething appears to have stopped and things have not improved at all . For a couple of weeks now , during the day , the longest he will nap in his crib is 20 minutes . If I lay down with him , then he will nap for a couple of hours , however at least half of that time my nipple will be in his mouth . This habit appears to be moving into the night . In addition my ability to get him into his crib when he is asleep appears to be diminishing . Yesterday , we were at my in - laws for a visit . A visit to the in - laws is always stressful for Husband and very exciting for Baby . Normally Baby would have napped during the time that we were there , but the environment is so exciting ( why don 't grandparents & Aunts like babies to sleep ? ) that he won 't nap . He will only nurse enough to keep his energy up , not as thoroughly as at home . He did nap for about 20 minutes on the drive home , which seemed to be enough to give him his second wind , so that when we arrived home he was all happy and awake . Around 6pm , Baby had a bath and then had his p . j . s put on . I was planning on giving him a quick dinner and then starting the bed - time wind down , but while I was putting his p . j . s on , he latched on . I nursed him and surprisingly he fell asleep . He went down in his crib no problem . Husband and I started to take advantage of the free time , however Baby woke up about 20 minutes after going down , so that didn 't happen . I nursed him down again , and this time he was down for a few hours . I put myself to bed at 11pm and fell right to sleep . Unbeknownst to me , Dog woke up Baby when Husband and him returned from his night time walk . Husband spent an hour trying to get Baby back to sleep with no luck . At first trying to nurse him was like trying to corral a hurricane , he was making noise and trying to escape but at the same time trying to nurse . Finally he nursed himself and I to sleep . At some point I transferred him to his crib - he was asleep - I then crawled into bed with Husband , checking the time . 10 minutes later Baby was crying . I repeated process - nurse , wait till Baby is really asleep , transfer to crib , hold hand on Baby 's chest until he is settled , pull up side of crib , creep away , crawl into bed with Husband : 10 minutes later Baby is crying . For the rest of the night I nursed and dozed with Baby in the nursing chair in his room . There were times when he was asleep but still sucking , so I would unlatch him , as soon as I did he would just latch right back on . There were a couple of times when he wasn 't latched on and was asleep so I tried to put him in his crib , but as soon as his body touched the mattress he was crying . I am really feeling at the end of the rope . I am not getting enough uninterrupted sleep . My body is aching from not getting the requisite time for restoration . ( I had a check - up with my Doctor this week , and I have actually shrunk half an inch ) Baby is much grouchier and clumsier than he should be . Prior to Baby , I thought I was going to get so much accomplished during my maternity leave . Well , tomorrow Baby & I have been on mat leave for 11 months and here are all the things I was planning on doing but still haven 't . ( note , some of these were supposed to be done before Baby arrived , but since he was 5 & 1 / 2 weeks early they didn 't happen ) : For the last week , Baby has not been eating much solid food ( teething ) and has been nursing like crazy - not just drinking but sucking for soothing ( due to lack of solid food , increase in baby - sitting in prep for day - care & stroller instead of carrier in prep for day - care ) . A couple of times yesterday he just crawled up , nudged my tank top out of the way and latched on . This morning , he had a full breakfast of solid food , so of course shortly after there was a rather lovely diaper full of poop , that required an impromptu bath . With a loaded diaper , I try to get him to lay down but he squirmed so much that he ended up with both a foot and a hand in the dirtiness . I sometimes think he does this on purpose because he has so much fun in the tub . After the bath , he was standing in his crib while I put his diaper on him . While I was leaned over and with my hands busy with the diaper he just latched on . Once I had the diaper on , I pulled out and went to get his clothes . While trying to put his shirt on , he latched on again . It was a very weird feeling and I felt kind of stuck . I couldn 't stand there leaning over like that for him to nurse and he wouldn 't unlatch . I ended up picking him up and carrying him to our nursing spot while he stayed latched on . Last week - end Grandma made another attempt at baby - sitting the Baby while I went out briefly to pick up a car rental . So , as usual Grandma was late , although luckily Baby and I were napping so I didn 't know she was late until she was here , which meant that I didn 't stress about missing the car rental . As soon as Baby saw Grandma he started to cry , he was wailing and I had about 5 minutes to get out if I was going to get to the rental location before they closed . Grandma offered to drive instead of me taking the subway which I declined . ( I assumed that the offer was to save me time , however taking the subway is about twice as fast as putting the car seat in Grandma 's car , getting Baby dressed and then driving ) ( It only occurred to me after I left that maybe that was her way of saying that I shouldn 't leave her alone with the crier . ) I did ask if she was sure it was o . k . for me to leave him with her like that and she said to go , so I went . I was only gone for about an hour , and he was o . k . but did cry off and on . On Sunday we were at Grandpa 's for Easter Dinner . At various times during the afternoon Baby would be in a different room than I and would be fine , unless I came into the room . Whenever I came into the room , he would start whining and come directly to me for some clinging on . Today , Baby and I went to a toilet training seminar at our local Early Years Centre . Baby was a bit distracted and did not want to just sit and listen to the session about the potty . He is currently teething and I was unsure how he was going to be . He played in the middle of the group for a while but decided to crawl off to the play areas . I followed him and brought him back but he wanted none of that . The next time he crawled off and I went to follow , one of the staff suggested that I just leave him and he would probably come back to me . I tried it , he did not come back , instead he ended up playing for about 1 / 2 hour with one of the volunteers without even a glance at me . The only reason he came back to me was that he was really wantSo I don 't know if he really has separation anxiety . Bad baby - sit with Grandma , Good baby - sit with Grandpa , middle of the road baby - sit with Grandma , o . k . without mom in room , play with total stranger while ignoring mom . I am starting to think that he will probably be o . k . with day care . He seems fine with strangers and he likes to play and interact with others whether I am with him or not . I am hoping anyway , because it is breaking my heart already that I am going to have to leave him with others to take care of . It will break so much more if I know that he is having a bad time . My mother is retiring from work and moving out of town . It will be very strange on both , my mom has been working since I was about 7 and I have always thought of her as a very busy , active woman . On top of retiring she is moving out of town , which is a bit sad for me . I grew up in Toronto but slowly most of my family has moved away , my mom was the last one left and she decided to move the year that my son was born . Her work put on a lovely retirement luncheon for her and invited my brother and I as surprise guests . She was very surprised and happy to see us , especially her newest grand - child . The gathering was slightly different than anything that Baby had been to before . There was a large crowd of adults who were noisy and made lots of clapping noises , which seemed to scare him a bit . It was interesting how he was totally o . k . with strangers talking to him while mom was holding him , but he would not let anyone hold him except for mom and Uncle . He would laugh and giggle and smile ( and sometimes give his shy / flirty face ) to people but if they held their arms out to hold him he would turn away . It was interesting to note how many strangers wanted to hold him - that generally doesn 't happen when we are out shopping . Eating lunch was fun , I had to hold Baby in my arms and all he wanted to do was grab everything from the table . He had bread for the first time , which was great , I gave him a chunk of a roll and this stopped him from grabbing - until the cake came out . I felt bad for Grandma . This was the first time that Baby had seen her since the baby - sitting incident and he obviously remembered . He wouldn 't let her hold him the entire time we were there even though previous to the baby - sit , she was his favorite relative . After lunch I let him crawl around and he had great fun trying to pull all the power cords and network cables out of the wall or trying to pull up on table clothes . All in all , a good experience and I hope that my mom has a great retirement and that we still see her just as much even though she is movingPosted by So , maybe Baby has just decided he doesn 't like Grandma . Then I realize , no , it is not Grandma , it is just that Baby has separation anxiety about Husband . The day Grandma baby - sat , Husband & I went out together , this was the first time since Baby was born . The entire week after Grandma baby - sat , Baby was super - clingy with Husband in the morning when he left for work and at night when he got home . When Grandpa was here , Husband had left for work hours earlier , so it was just me leaving and there were no problems . Now , I have been away from Baby previously , but Baby was always with Husband when I wasn 't there ( except for the once when my Brother watched him and I think that bad experience was because Baby was nursing every 10 minutes at that time and we hadn 't found a bottle that he would take yet ) . The day after Grandpa baby - sat , I went out and Baby was home with Husband - No Problems . When Baby was first born , we had a stroller and we used it . I didn 't like it . It was a barely used hand - me - down , that saved us shopping and money , which was great . The stroller is totally functional for going for a walk , but not great for taking into the small shops and cafes in our neighborhood . A few weeks after Baby was born , Grandma got us a Snugli , mostly for me for taking the Dog out . At first it was great , Baby seemed to like it and I like carrying him . But fairly quickly I was finding that my shoulders were killing me - when Baby reached about 12 pounds . I then bought an Ergo carrier and it was amazing . It felt so much better and best of all , Husband could put it on and put Baby in it without any assistance ( with the Snugli , he always needed help ) . Since obtaining the new carrier , I haven 't used the stroller until today . 7 months of no stroller . So many people have been telling me that I won 't be able to carry him much longer and that if I don 't like our stroller I need to get a new one . I did not like it , and I don 't think Baby did either . With Baby in the stroller he faces away from me so I cannot see how he is doing , I needed to stop walk around to check on him . When I spoke to him , I don 't know if he was hearing me because I couldn 't see his reaction unless I stopped to kneel down by him . Every time I did , he looked bored - almost angry . He didn 't babble to me the way he normally does . When he is in the carrier , I can see his face , I can see his reaction to what is around him . I can also check his temperature just by reaching my hand up . When I took him out of the stroller at the playground , he hugged me like I had been away for a couple of hours . He was also needing to nurse more than usual tonight - a sign that he did not get enough cuddling during the day . That is one of the great things about carrying vs pushing , you get where you need to go and you get to cuddle at the same time . A week ago , Husband needed to go visit his parents for an obligatory but he offered to take Baby and let me stay home . This was the longest time that I have had to myself at home since Baby . Previous alone time had really only consisted of Baby being taken for a walk , so up to an hour . I get free time from the Baby , but normally I go out and Baby stays home with Husband . Prior to Husband , I lived by myself and loved it . Prior to Baby , I used to get lots of free time at home due to different schedules that Husband and I had . I used to miss Husband when we didn 't see each other much but still really appreciated the alone time to do what ever I wanted , to just be without having anyone around . Since Baby , I have a lot of time with just Baby and me , and even when Baby is sleeping , it is not the same as being alone . Baby could wake up at any minute and interrupt what ever it is that I am doing . So , what did I do ? I cleaned the apartment and took a really long shower . I know that this sounds like such a waste . Couldn 't I clean anytime ? Don 't I take a shower regularly ? Yes to both but this was different . I didn 't need to worry about the vacuum waking up or scaring Baby . I was able to temporarily put things on the floor to dust surfaces without worrying about Baby eating them . I took a shower without having to sing or play peek - a - boo . It was a great afternoon . I really appreciated Husband for the afternoon . I also felt sorry for Husband , as apparently visiting with Baby without me wasn 't so much fun . It made me feel a little bit good that his time wasn 't that great , a little bit of reality for him . Grandma came over to watch Baby while we went out to a restaurant . It was the most rejuvenating thing I have done in ages . I wasn 't sure how well Grandma would do , she is Baby 's favourite family member , however it has been a long time since she has taken care of a baby . Grandma was great ! ! About half - way through our meal , Husband started to think that maybe we should call since he was worried that we hadn 't received any phone calls . There was an interesting conversation about getting home and finding Grandma passed out on the floor and Baby sitting in the middle of a pile of books eating them ( Baby loves to pull books off the shelves so that he can ingest knowledge ) . Prior to Grandma 's babysitting , Baby had only been without either Husband or I once . My Brother watched the Baby with his son while I was out wedding dress shopping with my future sister - in - law . Brother lasted 45 minutes before making the emergency call . Since we were close by , it ended up that Brother watched Baby for 1 hour - 55 minutes of which consisted of Baby crying his eyes out , loudly . Grandma lasted until we got home - probably about 3 hours . Baby did cry for the first hour approximately and then was just cranky and sad . Happily though Baby was fine after we got home - no grudges held against any of us , although he has been extra clingy with Husband when he goes into work in the morning . So , last night I was nursing the baby , he had just dozed off and I was waiting for him to fall into deep sleep before transferring him to the crib . I knew that husband would be home soon and wanted the baby down before that happened . So I had just put the baby down , knowing that he was lightly asleep but figuring chances were better that he would continue sleeping if when husband got home , he wouldn 't go into the room to say hi . Husband got home right then , I was still in the room plugging in the monitor , baby wakes up . It took another 45 minutes to get him back to sleep . Very frustrating ! ! For a while , I was waiting until after Husband came home to put the baby down , but then he was going to sleep too late and was cranky and didn 't sleep as well . I am tempted to ask husband to not come home , except I can 't because I miss him , plus this is his home . It has been almost a month since I have been able to sit down and write , and I have accomplished very little during that time . I have been trying to baby proof , which has meant re - organizing closets , moving furniture , moving stuff into storage , installing all kinds of safety hardware , etc . I have also been working on the baby 's sleeping ( using the " No Cry . . . Solution " books ) and have seen some success , but the baby is not sleeping consistently yet . With the sleeping , I have found that what works when husband is at work does not work when he is home . Last week , everyday that husband was at work the baby napped ( not the same amount or at the same time , but slept during the day and not in my lap ) , on the week - end when husband was home - no napping . It kills me that every evening , I sit there just hoping and hoping that the baby will go to sleep before husband gets home ( Husband gets home at 9pm or 11pm dependent on day ) . I feel guilty , I want husband and baby to spend lots of time together , but if the baby is awake when husband gets home , it adds at least an hour until I get baby in his crib . Normally if baby wakes in the evening , it takes me maximum 20 minutes from the wake - up to back in the crib . Last Thursday baby had woken up about 2 minutes before husband got home . Husband came in and gave baby kisses and very quietly talked to him for a couple of minutes then left the room to go eat dinner . An hour and a half later the baby was back in his crib asleep . The baby just adores his daddy so much that he can 't calm down . The baby also adores the dog . He calls the dog and talks to the dog and tries to play with the dog . The other night , the dog was in the living room instead of baby 's room while I was nursing him to sleep . The baby kept unlatching to look around for the dog and calling him . I finally had to call the dog into the room so that the baby would nurse . One week - end afternoon , the baby was sitting on my lap with husband to my right , and the dog to my left . The baby would turn to his dad and smile , turn to the dog and smile , turn to his dad and laugh , turn to the dog and laugh . He did not once stop in the middle to give mom even a glance . Every day I feed the baby , change the baby , hug the baby , play with the baby , carry the baby , encourage him in his development , help him get to sleep , and most of all keep him alive . Very frustrating that Dad gets the big laughs , the shy smiles , the giggles and the adoration while I get the crying . Prior to starting baby on solid foods , I had read a book about how you don 't need to wait until your child is 3 / 4 to potty train them . Everything in the book sounded great , baby could be toilet trained by 18 months without us all going crazy . Have you ever seen baby poops - I cannot imagine cleaning a potty with that in it ! It gets everywhere , on his legs , up his back , on his feet ( he refuses to lie still during a change ) . He tries to crawl away as soon as I open the diaper , so it is always a battle to keep him lying still while I am desperately trying to wipe all the poop away without it getting everywhere . I go through about half a container of baby wipes each time ( slight exaggeration ) . It is just insane how much of the smelly smeary goo comes out of him . Where is he keeping all this , he is just a little guy . By the time I am done , I am sweating . If I suspect poop before I start , I remove all loose clothing so that I don 't end up with poop on my sweater or house - coat . Although one day this week I did end up with poop on the breast part of my tank top . And how come he never poops when Dad is home from work or when Grandma or Grandpa are visiting ? Completely unfair . I walk around like a zombie , I am exhausted all the time , I prioritize the baby over everything / everyone else ( even my self ) . I waited a long time to find the right man for me and am so grateful that I did wait . Husband and I were made for each other and love each other so much . In so many ways we are different from each other , but we just go together . We both love baby to death but the strain on our relationship has been hard , and I didn 't know until recently that it was so big for husband . I knew I was feeling strain and my strain was all about practical stuff ( practical to me ) . I was trying to do everything during the day around the baby 's schedule and then up a lot during the night . Husband works hard and a lot ( he is gone for work 12 hours / day 3 - 4 days a week and 14 hours / day 2 days a week - that 's right , he works 6 days / week every other week ) and I was feeling like I was getting all the crap and that Husband was getting only the good stuff with baby . It turns out though that Husband was feeling strain as well , just different . I wasn 't paying as much attention to him , I was spending most of the night in the baby 's room , I wasn 't talking as much ( too tired + baby brain not helping with conversational skills ) . Things have been much better since we talked it through , but this is still really hard . I am still tired , I still want more help , I still wish Husband was home more . I am working on appreciating Husband more for what he does do instead of focusing on what he doesn 't do and he is trying to remember that not every thing is about him . ( He used to assume that if I was angry / frustrated after a rough day with the baby that I was blaming him , when really I was just frustrated ) . But still , do I ever get my life back ? Do I get to sleep all night some time ? Do I get to take off whenever I want to go visit friends without having to worry about baby 's nap time ? Do I get to go buy new shoes without thinking about the fact that 4 inch heels are not practical when carrying a 25 pound baby ? When I go back to work do I get to work until 8pm because the project timelines are under pressure without having to figure out what to do with baby ? Can I make a phone call without worrying about the baby screaming and not hearing if girlfriend 's blind date was a jerk or a doll ? I don 't thing I will ever get my old life back , but maybe that is o . k . Maybe my new life will be better . Maybe the cuddles and the first smile , and the giggling , and the first step , and watching the world being explored by my son are more than worth what I am giving up . So far , I think it is , I just need to remember that . I drive but I do not have a car . My husband does not drive . For a few years when I was single I had a car , but after 3 years had less than 17 , 000KM on the car and decided I really did not need it . I actually feel proud of not having a car , I take public transit to and from work and for most trips where I cannot walk . The odd time I would take a cab or rent a car ( the car rentals were mostly on holidays for visiting out of town family ) . Along comes baby and now I feel the need for a car more than ever , and can afford it less than ever . Most of the time baby and I walk or take transit where we need to go , however with the baby there are more and more places that we need to go that are not easy to get to . So many of the places I want to shop for baby stuff are out in the burbs in places designed for the driver not for transit . Before baby , taking an impromptu cab was no issue . Sometimes I would walk to the store and end up buying way more than I planned ( and could carry ) so I would grab a cab home . Sometimes a trip would be part subway part cab ( both my husband and I like the subway but hate buses ) . Now with the baby both of these are a pain . If baby and I walk to the store , baby will be in his lovely Ergo carrier and therefore I can 't get a cab because I won 't have his car seat with me . The car seat is a pain in the but unless it is on the stroller , but taking the stroller on the subway is a pain in the but , so the combo subway / cab trip is no longer done . So , we live in a 2 - bedroom apartment and while pregnant I thought that there was no way we would need a baby monitor - how could we not hear the baby in a place so tiny ? For the first few months I was right , the baby was always in the same room as us and no problems hearing him . Eventually though , he began to sleep in his crib and I decided we really needed a baby monitor , how could I live without one ? The layout of the apartment is such that the kitchen and the baby 's room are at opposite ends of the universe , and if the water is running in the kitchen ( like when I am doing dishes for the hundredth time a day ) I cannot hear the baby if he is in his room - unless he is screaming bloody murder . So we got some monitors - Safety 1st . The monitor worked well - no issues for months but then the receiver stopped working if it was plugged into the recharger and since you can 't run it off of regular batteries , it stopped working completely . The store would not do an exchange since it had been purchased over 3 months prior , therefore I had to go through the manufacturer . The customer service I received from Safety 1st was great . The person on the phone was polite , understanding and efficient . I received a letter and instructions on the return procedure quickly . Outside of UPS , everything with Safety 1st went well and we now have monitors working again . UPS though is a pain in the but . I live in an apartment where the buzzer is hooked into the phone . The first delivery attempt was made while I was in the baby 's room feeding him . I did not know that a delivery was going to be coming and was surprised when I checked the phone to see that someone had buzzed from the lobby . The ' sorry we missed you ' left by UPS indicated that they would be trying the next day , but with no time specified . The next day , they attempted to deliver again , but of course we were out walking the dog . The second ' sorry we missed you ' indicated that they would be trying the next day either 10 : 30am - 3pm or 3pm - 5pm . So by 5pm the next day they were still not here . I tried to track the package on the UPS website as per the delivery note instruction , but could only see the previous attempts . I then called UPS and the best they could do was " they should not have indicated 2 time periods and based on the previous attempts it looks like it will be after 5 . " Thanks ! The dog needed to go out but if I missed this delivery attempt , I would have to go to the UPS depot to pick up the package , and even though I live in a major city , the depot is in some small town outside of the city . Today was one of those days , the morning went o . k . , baby was not cranky and took a nap that miraculously was in his crib for almost an entire hour . The afternoon was crappy , the biggest yuckiest poopiest diaper yet ( down to his ankles and up to his shoulder blades ) , fussy and moody for a couple of hours and then crying / screaming / feeding for an hour . Finally he fell asleep in my hours for a couple of hours . Of course I don 't even try to move him , because I really want him to sleep , even though I need to go to the washroom , the phone is ringing and not being answered because it is out of reach , and the dog is whining because it is his dinner / walk time . I am also thinking that it is so late for him to nap that tonight will be another late night . After feeding and walking the dog , the baby graze nurses for a while and then he is happy , not just happy but giggling , laughing huge smiles happy . So now I am happy , I feel lighter , more joyful , just down right better . This is what makes all the frustration and exhaustion worth it . It is the best feeling in the world to know that simply pretending to eat my son 's hands will bring such joy to both him and I . I don 't often get the giggling . My husband can get baby to laugh and giggle so easily , while it takes so much more for me . It totally makes my day when I hear / see him so happy with his dad , but it is even better when it is the result of something that I do . I know that I shouldn 't be jealous , but it is hard . I am alone with the baby for so long ( 12 hours a day , 5 / 6 days a week depending on husband 's schedule ) , so I generally end up with much more of the bad moods than my husband gets . Sometimes when he does something new it is truly just exciting & happy - like when he started to say mom . Sometimes when he does something new it is exciting & happy & very scary . He is now standing and starting to walk , but he still has no clue about where he is & what can happen when he falls . He is stubborn and when he wants something he will keep trying until he gets it . He would launch himself off the couch at the rectangular glass topped coffee table to get the remote ( he is obsessed with remotes ) if I didn 't hold him back - doesn 't he know that this is dangerous . I know I just asked a bunch of questions , but they are rhetorical . I have / am trying all kinds of things to make the sleep situation better but they haven 't worked . We have gone through various times off and on through his 8 months where he has slept through the night & napped during the day , but those times have never lasted more than a week . Don 't tell me to just put him down and let him cry . 1 . If my son is put down in his crib and is not asleep , he doesn 't just lay there and cry , he crawls or pulls himself into a stand - often falling down and banging his head on the crib slats . 2 . Why is it o . k . to ignore his need for comfort in this situation but not in others . 3 . I won 't be able to ignore his cries for long enough to do this , so there doesn 't seem to be a point in starting . 4 . For me it feels selfish to do this . 5 . It doesn 't always work , and doesn 't always work in 3 nights as the trainers would have you believe . ( I have read other 's blogs where they have gone months and their baby is still crying and not putting themselves to sleep . ) Throughout life you get lots of unsolicited advice ( don 't call him let him call you , ask for a bigger raise , that colour is all wrong for you ) . When you get married you get lots more advice ( flowers are important , you need a bigger cake . . . . ) . When you are pregnant , even more ( don 't eat peanut butter , get lots of sleep now , don 't buy anything you will get tons at the shower ) . Nothing compares to what you get when you have a baby . The hidden criticism / judgement is the worst . How can it not be a criticism if every time you talk to someone they ask the same question , and then give the same advice which you have already told them you are not going to do . Obviously they disagree with what you are doing . This is my first posting to my blog . Baby has been asleep for about 15 minutes and miraculously , he is in his crib and not in my lap . I may only have a few more minutes before he wakes up crying for mam , so this might be short . I have an eight month old baby boy , who is a beautiful joy . He has enriched my life and changed how I see pretty much everything , mostly sleep . I have a wonderful husband who I love to death , and is great with baby . Husband also works huge hours with a too long commute which leaves me alone with baby a lot . During my pregnancy , I was constantly amazed at how I was losing control over my life , and people kept telling me that this was training for how little control I would have once the baby was born , what an understatement . I know that there are lots of parents who are in control , they set the babies schedule ( feed at 11am for 15 minutes , nap at 11 : 30 for 1 hour , etc ) but this hasn 't happened for me and my baby . People say " well just put him in the crib when he is tired and leave him " I tried that this morning and each time I lay him down on his back , he instantly flipped over to crawl around . So , instead of sleeping , he stood up in his crib for the first time this morning . |
Men One of my favorite activities every week is my Married / Formerly Married Men 's Group meeting . I never would have guessed that I 'd enjoy any kind of " support " group , but I like this one . A lot . What 's weird is that , for as much as I like the group , I sometimes wonder whether I would have taken the time to get to know my co - participants if I 'd met them in some other way . For example , what do I have in common with a scraggly - looking , 79 year old widow who lives 45 minutes away , in a trailer behind his daughter 's house ? Well , now that I 've gotten to know him and his story , I have a big soft spot for him . I feel his sadness and anguish as he copes with the loss of his long - time partner and struggles to stay relevant to his children and grandchildren . He 's a good man who deserves to be happy just as much as I do ; just as much as anyone does , really . For me , there 's a magic to the group , a magic that I didn 't really " get " until my third or fourth meeting . At first , I thought these guys were just formerly closeted men who decided to come out in mid - life . Now I 've come to realize that even if their sexual preference is clear ( and sometimes it 's not ) , they 're fundamentally different from both straight and gay men , and that difference isn 't so much about sexual preference as it is about life experiences . My attraction to this demographic has grown so strong that when I started dating again earlier this year , the very first online search I did was to find exactly those kind of men . Likewise , the first guy I messaged was a single gay suburban dad . Part of the reason I found his profile attractive was because he said , " I am the Apparently , he didn 't think I could make him a better man . Or maybe he just didn 't share my affinity for formerly married men with children . Either way , he never replied to my message . Getting ignored right out of the gate immediately brought back memories of my previous year 's dating frustrations . For that reason I decided to try a new approach . Instead of proactively reaching out to men who seemed like good matches , I thought I 'd try " saying yes " to the men who contacted me . That 's almost entirely what I did . In five months of active dating , I think I only sent an initial message to three guys , including the first one who ignored me . One of the two other guys I messaged first was also formerly married . He turned out to be the proverbial " straw that broke the camel 's back " when it came to my self - esteem . I had many good reasons to reach out to him . Not only did we have similar values and interests , and not only was he a recently divorced father of two school age children , but he also lived just a few miles away , a rarity . Perhaps most promising of all , he seemed to have an interest in me because he visited my profile several times over a period of a few weeks . I was so surprised to be rejected that I re - analyzed my decision to contact him . I went through the mental checklist : Numerous shared interests ? Check . Shared life values ? Check . Age appropriate ? Check . Height appropriate ? Check . In my league ? Check . ( Somewhat similar to the guy pictured , only less attractive . ) Lives nearby ? Check . Willing to date a guy with kids ? Definitely . He was one of those " on paper " ideal matches . The kind of guy that I 'd expect to easily be friends with , even if we didn 't have any romantic chemistry . It was a no - brainer to message him . Of course he would reply . Only he didn 't . It 's been four months since I 've been out on a date - and more than a year since I 've had sex . You 'd think I 'd be depressed about those things , but I 'm not . It 's actually a relief not to be dating . It 's one less headache to worry about . I haven 't given up on men entirely , but in their absence I have ( unexpectedly ) achieved an element of inner contentment that I 've been missing for years . I 've realized that I can be single and celibate for the rest of my life and still be happy . That 's not my preferred outcome but it definitely wouldn 't make for a sad or miserable life either . Like many closeted married men in mid - life ( or older ) , I was afraid that if I ever became single I 'd be too old to find a new partner . That 's not the reason I stayed married but it was certainly a big fear that I had . Now that I 'm living that reality , I have to say that it feels good to have faced that fear and conquered it . Even better , I 've realized that overcoming it has laid the foundation for a much needed ( and hopefully permanent ) boost of my self - confidence . We 've all heard that cliche ' that " you can 't love someone else until you love yourself first . " I 'd like to add a corollary to that : " You can 't love yourself until you realize what good company you are . " Anyway , this is my way of saying that I 'm healing and growing . I plan to continue to take time off from dating for at least the next several months . I 'll return when I genuinely feel motivated to do so . Until then I 'll happily keep busy with other interests , including blogging . experiences when he pledged a fraternity in the mid - ' 90s . Written under the pen name of " John Walsh " , the story has become a time - tested classic . Although the last chapter was published in 2003 , fans continue For years he 'd been hinting that he had partially written chapters . His fans , of course , begged him to either finish them or share what he had . Finally , he did that , but in an extremely low key way . He posted two emails to a small Yahoo group and added an attachment to the second email that included a rough draft of what he believed was one of his most important unpublished chapters . I was recently shocked and thrilled to learn from Billy , a reader who stumbled on this blog , that the small Yahoo group was reinstated some weeks after it was deleted . ALL of the messages remain deleted . ALL of the original membership was removed . However , still posted in the files section is a long lost gem , JW . htm . The file is titled " Part of John Walsh 's Synopsis . " Because I continually participated in all of the various Walsh - related yahoo groups , I am confident that I 've read everything he 's ever posted . For that reason , I don 't believe this file is part of anything bigger . I believe the only other part of Walsh 's synopsis is the much longer , story - ending Internet chat session that happened in 2004 . These " missing chapters " are exactly what I 've been looking for and what 's posted below is exactly what I remember reading . As far as I know , there 's nothing more . This is it . The way the file is posted in the Yahoo group , it looks like one chapter . But because I remember how it was originally written , I know what the three different parts were . I have marked them below . Other than that , and a few minor spelling corrections , what 's posted below is the same file that 's still posted in the Yahoo group . Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everyone . I hope you are all doing well . I 'm better , after the little emotional breakdown that I had . Whew , I had a lot of things hitting me at once . Problems with a current relationship , a new attraction , a focus on a not so pleasant time of my life that I haven 't confronted in a long time , and the realization that I had to address a broken , very broken , relationship of the past . I have a long way to go before I think I can have peace of mind , but I am working towards that . But the fact that I am facing all this , and I see that it will all turn out for the best , puts me in a much better frame of mind than I was a couple of weeks ago . Again , I want to thank each and everyone one of you for the e - mails you sent with kind words and caring . It means more than you know , and in a way , is giving me the courage to do what I have to do . That said , I promised that I would never let the story end without wrapping it up . This may sound choppy , as I am going to try and fit a lot in a brief space , but maybe someday I will come back and fill in the middle . So here goes . . . Kevin and I continue to have a " secret relationship " . I slowly become more comfortable with man - man sex and do become a much more willing and reciprocating partner . There came a point in time in my sophomore year that we were really pushing the envelope , hooking up in places where we should have been caught but never were , like in the bathroom at the Fraternity House while there was a line waiting outside to use the bathroom . I should also mention that we did not get our charter back that year . While we were away for Spring break , a new group had petitioned to be recognized as well . It was a Fra - rority , as we called it . A group of 10 ( minimum amount needed ) made up of guys and girls . No one had ever even heard of this group , and we believe was put together by the dean of student life last minute to take our spot . Since the cap was put in place , with just one spot open , only one of us could be recognized . The dean also pulled somethiBefore going home summer after my freshman year , I went on the annual canoe trip that my Fraternity has the weekend after finals were done . Its pretty much a send off to the graduating seniors . 8 hours of going down a river wasted and then camping out for the night . A bunch of us did mushrooms that day , neither Kevin nor Adam were shrooming . At one point , while my mind was tripping hard , I mentioned to Adam that what he saw in the tent at the pledge camping trip between Kevin and I wasn 't the only time that it had happened . I don 't remember it all that well since I was so fucked up , but what I do remember is that it was like a 20 second conversation . Didn 't mean to tell him , and didn 't even realize that I told him . You have to know shrooms to get how that can happen . One second you say one thing , and then the next second , you are on a completely different subject with no going back . I don 't think that Adam even reacted . He knew I was wasted and let me go on . That summer I worked in the beach club again . Although I was a little apprehensive to hook up with a guy so close to home , after awhile I couldn 't resist my urge and was hooking up almost nightly with that guy Bobby . Bobby was the first guy that I fucked . And once I did , I loved it . It was definitely a drunk thing , knocking on his cabana at 2 in the morning and having sex . I was definitely using him . I 'm not bragging , and regret it . We are still friends , Bobby and I , to a certain degree . We 've talked about it , and I have apologized to him . But he never complained , and said that no apology was necessary . He knew that nothing " romantic " would ever happen between us , so in a way , he was using me as well . Also that summer , I went down to the Jersey shore for a weekend and hung out at Adam 's . We were really stoned one night and had a blast . Lying on the beach , Adam asked me if it was true what I had said about Kevin at the canoe trip . I hardly remembered telling him , and it shocked me . Come to think of it , the only real memory I have of the conversation at the canoe trip is what Adam told me . So its really his memory in my head . I told him that it was true , and was very shy about it . I asked him if he had ever hooked up with a guy before and he said that he had , in high school . He also admitted , that just like Kevin and I , he and Andy ( pres ) had messed around in the sleeping bag the night of their camping trip . But nothing ever happened between them again . When he was really stoned , he also admitted that from time to time , he still thought about hooking up with guys , but didn 't think that he could ever do it again . Nothing that night happened between Adam and I . I was too afraid to initiate it , and who knows what could have happened , but I think that it could have . But still , it is one of the most memorable nights that I had . We really had a lot of fun , and one of the funniest fucking things happened that night that till this day , I still can 't get through the story without crying from laughter and my stomach hurting . [ The Second Email ] Sophomore year was a blast . Since Matt was away , and I really missed him , I lived with who I think I called Evan in the story . Big druggie and sold on campus . That quickly rubbed off on me ( not selling , just using ) and was pretty much stoned , coked up , drunk and / or tripping on a nightly basis . I was hell in the Residence Director 's life . I was the kind of guy that you loved to hate . At least once a week , sometimes two or three , I was setting a fire alarm off in the middle of the night . I called them 4 o ' clock socials . We were up and everyone was asleep at that time , and needed to hang out , so why not wake up the entire dorm and hang outside for awhile . Everyone , including the RA , knew I was doing them , but could never prove it . I was in her office weekly . But she really liked me for some odd reason , and I was never expelled from the dorms . We took a pledge class the first semester and it was so awesome to be on the other side . I rushed hard that semester , walking the dorms and encouraging everyone to come out . There was one guy that I rushed really hard . He was so damn hot , and yes I wanted him . But he didn 't want to pledge his freshman year . We saw him from time to time at parties , and we stayed friendly . I was one of the cool brothers to the pledges . I never gave out a demerit , never bitched out the pledges at line ups , snuck them drinks and got them stoned when they weren 't supposed to be , and even kidnapped one or two here and there so they could catch up on some sleep in my room . Both the fall and the sping class loved me . It came to the point where they were asking me to go on the pledge roadtrips with them , Philly , NYC , other campuses . They 'd knock on my door and say Walsh , you want to come ? Most times I was fucked up and was like hell yeah ! Kevin and I continued to hook up . We hid it really well . no one had an idea , except Adam , and that was a really odd situation . I would catch Adam looking at Kevin and I if we were hanging together , and it always cause me to walk away from Kevin . I never told Kevin that Adam knew till Adam graduated . Kevin was the first one to fuck me . It happened shortly into the first semester sophomore year . Since fucking Bobby over the summer , I was dying to try and fuck Kevin . But somehow , Kevin always seemed to be in control . And to a certain degree , I liked Kevin being in control . By this point , he had tried to fuck me a couple of times , but I always said no . But I finally made a bargain with him . I 'd let him fuck me if he would let me fuck him . Kevin claimed that he was a top and never been fucked before ( I will admit to an " untrue " part of FM . The night of the hookers , when I was pledging , that part was totally true , but the part about " red " going into the room with Kevin and the strap on was not true . I don 't know why I put it in there or where I thought I would go with it . . . ) . But who was going to go first ? I totally wanted to go first , and so did Kevin . What decided it ? A flip of the coin . And Kevin one . He fucked me first . And the first time was a terrible experience . It hurt so bad . I was so frightened of it that it was neither enjoyable for me or Kevin . AS soon as he was all the way in , I was screaming for him to take it out , or I literally squeezed him out . Kevin kept telling me to relax , and he did everything to get me to relax and open up . I knew he had been waiting for this a long time , but he eventually gave up . And it left me with a really bad taste for gay sex . I didn 't even want to attempt fucking Kevin after that , I was so embarrassed and , well , violated . But a couple of nights later , drunk , I was hooking up with Kevin again . I thought it would be my turn this time , but Kevin insisted that last time didn 't count . So I let him try again . And this time , for whatever reason , it worked . My god did it work . It almost didn 't . But something clicked . I opened up for Kevin , and although definitely painful to begin with , it eventually subsided and I felt the most immense pleasure I have ever felt in my life . And Kevin went a long time and fucked me hard , to the point that both of us were dripping sweat . We had tI had another feel up of Adam that first semester , but this time he was awake . During that pledge class ' hooker night , I had an idea . I wanted to repeat the threesome that Adam and I had . So I approached him on it , very nervous since he knew about Kevin and I , and said that I was buying if he was interested . He didn 't jump on the idea , but after thinking about it , he agreed . It was definitely a little awkward at first . As much as I wanted to touch him , I felt that he was avoiding actually touching me . But at one point , the chick was sucking Adam 's dick and I was lying next to him watching her slurp on his dick . This time around , I didn 't even care about the chick . I was here to se Adam . He had his eyes closed and without thinking much about it , I reached out my hand and started feeling up his chest . He didn 't open his eyes at first , but eventually he did and saw that it was me . He didn 't say anything , he just looked me in the eyes before closing them once again . I took that as a sign that he was OK with it and I continued to feel up his chest and play with his nipples . I desperately wanted to bring my mouth to his nipples and suck on them , but with the chick in the room , I was too embarrassed . And when the girl looked up and saw what I was doing , I was self conscious about it and took my hand away . That was most of the contact we had until the end . The hooker was sucking my dick while Adam fucked her doggie style . I felt a pair of hands on my calves , which I thought were her 's at first . But then I realized where he hands were , pretty much right next to my hips . And as I looked in between her legs , I saw that it was Adam who had his hands down and rubbing my calves . I looked up and Adam was looking at me . Knowing that he was touching me and looking at me , I pretty much shot my load immediately . Adam wasn 't too far behind me . After we were done , nothing was said about it . I mean , we didn 't do too much to talk about , but it was worth every dollar . And throughout the entire first semester , I hooked up with more chick [ The Email Attachment ] At the end of first semester sophomore year , I ran for Chaplain and won . As far as big things that happened second semester sophomre year , only a couple of big things happened to me that I can think of at the moment . One , I found out that I was not the only guy that Kevin was hooking up with , and that in fact , I was just one of many . It shattered me , to a certain degree . I mentioned last e - mail that I was beginning to " fall " for Kevin . And it wasn 't so much that I loved him , I just thought that what we had was special and unique between the two of us . I dealt with it , but it was never quite the same again , the intimacy to me felt gone somewhat , and I was just another hook up . He told me that I wasn 't , but I could read through his lines . I didn 't want him to give up hooking up with other guys , I wasn 't looking for a relationship , it just hurt , if you know what I mean . Kevin and I did continue to fool around though . And although I began to open my eyes up to other possibilities ( men ) besides Kevin , I never did anything with anyone else , besides . . . Two , a few weeks into second semester , Adam was beginning to have the " graduation blues " , knowing that at the end of this semester , he would be in the real world . I actually have about half of the story written , all the way up the sex part . I am attaching what I have written of the chapter . Its pretty much the set up . I haven 't edited it , and I think its pretty raw , so please forgive the typos . What is missing is the juicy part . It was a Wednesday and neither Adam nor I had classes . We decided to go out and get some lunch at The Olive Garden , just the two of us . I loved spending time just with Adam . Lunch was good and Adam was talking about how he wanted to do something spontaneous soon , since he would be graduating at the end of the semester . When we were done with lunch we hopped in my car and headed back to campus . Since he had mentioned it , my mind had been running crazy trying to think of something spontaneous that we could do before the semester ends . Adam had done so much for me the last couple of years , that I wanted to do something for him in return . And then I had an idea . It came out of nowhere . I debated it a minute with myself and then smiled at my thought . But should we do it right now , I wondered ? Right now would be spontaneous , and that 's what he wanted . Why the fuck not , I thought , lets go for it . I stopped at a gas station and filled the car up , putting the final touches to my idea . This could be fun , but we had a long drive ahead of us . I hoped that Adam was in the same mindset as myself , that he really wanted to be spontaneous , and that it just wasn 't lunch conversation . Back in the car , I had to do everything I could to contain myself from laughing . Nothing was particularly funny , I was just excited . We drove past campus and Adam says , " Ah , Walsh , that was our exit ? " and points behind us . " I know , " I say , trying not to laugh , but I can 't help myself . " What ? What are you laughing at ? Where are you going ? " " I was thinking about what you said . We 're heading someplace spontaneous , " I answered . " Yeah , cool . Where ? " he asked and looked at his watch . I hoped he didn 't need to be anyplace , we wouldn 't be back to campus any time soon . " I don 't know , I 'll tell you when I figure it out , " I responded . I had already figured it out , but I was afraid to tell Adam because he may opt out . Not that he wouldn 't want to go , but there were other considerations , like Michele . He gave me this " what are you up to look ? " but didn 't challenge me . So I drove and drove some more . I had thrown in a Chili Peppers tape and we talked about the new pledge class , who we thought was going to drop and whatnot . " Philly ? " he asked me , as we approached the City . " Maybe , " I said with a smile . As we hit Philly the Chili 's tape was over and I threw in Dave Matthews . Philly isn 't that big of a City , and in a few minutes , we were through Philly and I was still heading south . Adam was ready to play my game and didn 't flinch as we crossed into Delaware . Adam is a little bit of a control freak , and I know he didn 't like not knowing where we were going . But he didn 't show it . " I know where we are going , " he said about 10 minutes through Delaware , which on I - 95 is like half way through the State . Delaware is tiny for those of you on the west coast . " Where ? " I amused him . " Baltimore . " But it was more of a question than an answer . " Maybe , " I responded . He looked at me , trying to figure me out . I tried not to laugh , but a smile came to my face . He took that as an affirmation , but boy , was he wrong . " Well , it 's awhile till Baltimore , which is cool , because I want to talk to you about something , " he said . What Adam told me took me as a surprise . He was thinking about taking the NJ State Troopers test . If you recall , Adam is a business major . He never mentioned anything about law enforcement before so this was news to me . I told him I thought it was cool , but why the sudden change ? He had taken a Law and Justice class last semester as an elective . It was supposed to be an easy A , which it was , but he absolutely loved the class . Since then , it 's been on his mind and he thought it would be something that he would really enjoy doing . He also said that he didn 't want to have a suit job with the same monotonous hours crunching numbers . He 'd watched his father do it for years and wasn 't certain that he wanted the same life . But he was afraid about how Michele w " I 'm not getting in till you tell me where we are going . " " That 's not very spontaneous , " I joked . " Fuck spontaneous , I want to know , " he answered . He wasn 't mad , but I could tell he was serious . I couldn 't blame him , we had been driving for hours . " If you really want to know and ruin the surprise , we are going to Washington D . C . There , are you happy now ? " I pretended to be pissed and jumped in the car , starting the engine . Adam grabbed the snacks and got in the car himself . " Don 't be mad Walsh , I just wanted to know where the hell we were going . I 've gone along with this for a long time and wanted to make sure that we were actually headed somewhere . " He passed me the Yohoo , holding it out , like he was making peace . He was so damn cute I couldn 't stand it . Me Adam , you should be with me , not Michele . " Well , we 're almost there , so lets get going , " I said as I took the Yohoo from him . " To the Capital , driver , " he said as I put the car in drive and got back on I - 95 . When we drove past Washington DC , Adam 's face turned sour . " What the fuck Walsh , we are we going ? " It was like he was the Pledge Master again , and I was the pledge . His tone was annoyed and harsh . He wasn 't playing anymore and I needed to tell him where we are going . I could hear it in his voice , the game was up . " You really want to know ? " " Yes , I really want to know . Pull the car over . " " I don 't want to pull the car over , I 'll tell you while " And Adam cut me off . " Pull the fucking car over Walsh so we can talk about this . " This wasn 't going exactly as I had imagined . I pulled off to the shoulder , stopped the car and put it in Park . Adam took the last slug of his Coke then twisted the top back on , tight . " Thank you , " he said , his voice a lot calmer . " Sorry for yelling , but please tell me where we are going , and tell me the truth this time . " " Florida , " I answered , looking at him for a reaction . " Florida ? " His reaction was one of disbelief . He was shaking his ; head like it didn 't calculate . " Yeah , I thought it would be spontaneous and fun . " ; ; He seemed to room . I walked around the front of the place and looked in the window of the guest house , hoping that the place wasn 't closed . I saw a TV on and was glad to see that they were open . I opened the door and a buzzer went off , alerting whoever was on duty that there was a guest present . I stood at the counter a minute or so till an older looking gentleman came around from the back someplace . " Good morning , " he said , cheery eyed for six in the morning . " Good morning , " I said back with what energy I had . " Do you have a reservation ? " he asked . " No , I don 't . Do you have any vacancy ? " " Sure do , we don 't get busy down here for another couple of weeks when Bike week and Spring Break start up . " " How much are the rooms ? " I asked . The old guy pointed to a board against the wall to his left . I read what it said . Standard rooms , $ 79 a night for single occupancy , $ 99 for double and $ 129 for a family . Rooms facing the beach are $ 109 a night for single occupancy , $ 129 for double and $ 159 for a family . " " Sounds like a pretty good deal to me , " I said . " Still off season , though its supposed to get pretty warm this weekend , so you should luck out with the weather . How many nights you staying ? " " Probably check out Sunday morning , " I answered . " Just you in the room ? " he asked . Looking at the board , I thought I would save us a few dollars and answered , " Yeah , just me . " " Young lad like you should have no problem finding a pretty lady to share the bed with , " he said , typing the keyboard of a computer . Reviewing something on the screen , he added , " I have a room facing the beach , has a patio . You want it ? " " Sure , " I said , laughing a little at the old dude . Why do old people often hint at sex with young people ? Maybe they like to think they were young again and getting some . " I 'll need a credit card and license , please , " he requested . As we took care of the paperwork , the guy told me there was an outdoor pool in the back and a hot tub . The pool is not heated , so it 's a little chilly he warned . He handed me a key and told me to pull all the waylooking at the sky . " Guy at the front desk said it was supposed to warm up , so hopefully we 'll be able to use the beach some . " " I hope so , " Adam said , " Otherwise , we 're going to be doing a lot of drinking . " He was looking more awake . " What do you mean , ¡¥ otherwise ' , we 'll definitely be doing a lot of drinking either way . " " I knew you 'd say that . " " Let 's get to the room and catch some Z 's , I 'm exhausted from driving . " We grabbed our sweaters and jackets and walked up the stairs to the room . We came upon room 217 and I opened the door . The room was on the smaller side , bathroom to the left and then a small closet . Stepping further into the room , there was a couple of dressers , a wicker love seat and only one king sized bed . Adam noticed that as well and said , " There 's only one bed . " " Damn , I said single occupancy to save a couple of dollars , but I still thought there would be two beds , " I explained . " Huh ? " I told Adam about the prices on the board and how I thought I could save about 30 dollars a night . But I thought that they were charging by the number of people , not the number of beds . I assumed that there would still be two beds . And for you , the readers , really , I did think just that . This wasn 't a plan of mine at all , although I was completely content with the way this had turned out . Unless , of course , Adam wanted to get another room , which I had to offer . " Later today , when the guy who checked me in is gone , we can get another room with two beds , " I suggested . " That 's cool , whatever , " Adam said as he walked past the bed to a set of sliding glass windows covered with drapes . I followed him to the doors as he pulled the drapes open . The doors led to a small porch over looking the beach and the ocean . Directly below us was the pool and hot tub . " Nice view , " Adam said , stepping out to the porch , waves crashing the only sound in the early morning peace . The porch has a table , umbrella and set of patio chairs on it . " Yeah , beautiful , " I replied looking to the left and the right , endless miles of empty beach and water visible in every direction . " Well , I 'm going to try and catch a few hours of sleep so I don 't sleep the entire day away tomorrow , " I said . " No man , don 't crash yet . The sun is about to rise , sit on the porch with me and watch it come up , " he offered . " OK , good idea . " As exhausted as I was , how could I say no to such a thing . And so Adam and I sat on the porch , chair next to chair , watching the horizon as the sun came up . It was a spectacular sunrise , bringing in the new day . I watched Adam as much as I did the sun , his handsome face staring out to sea as the sun came above the water line . As I was looking at him , he turned and looked at me . " Nice , huh , " he said with a big smile . " Beautiful , " I answered , but I wasn 't talking about the sun . I needed to get to bed before I did something stupid in my grogginess . After watching for another couple of minutes , my eyes began to close . " Adam , I can 't keep my eyes open , I need to get some sleep . " " Go ahead , " he said , " I 'm going to sit here a little while longer . " " You can have the bed , I 'll crash on the floor , " I suggested . " Nah Bro , you did most of the driving , you take the bed . I 'll crash on the floor . " " You sure ? " " Yeah . " " OK , thanks , " I said . I turned to go into the room , but stopped . Looking at Adam over my right shoulder , I added . " You can get in the bed too , if the floor 's like totally uncomfortable or something . It 's not like this is the first bed that we shared . " It was awkward , the way it came out , but I felt oddly comfortable offering Adam to share the bed with me . " Cool , " was all that Adam responded . The room was a little chilly , so I left my t - shirt , pants and socks on . I pulled down the covers and got in bed . After all that driving , the bed felt amazing . I was excited about the three days that Adam and I would be spending together , just the two of us . And that is what I was thinking about as I fell asleep . Some hours later , I heard the door to the room close , waking me . I opened my eyes and came upon the alarm clock . 12 : 37 the alarm clock read . I looked around the room trying to identify what the noise that woke me up was . Adam was standing by the dresser with a bunch of bags in his hand . " Hey Adam , " I said , sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes . " The zombie is awake , " Adam answered . " Yeah , you sleep at all ? " " I fell asleep for a couple of hours , then ran out and picked up some stuff for us . " " Stuff ? " " Yeah , toiletries and shit . I picked up some clothes too . " " Nice . How is it out there ? " " It 's nice , sunny , like 70 degrees . Not hot , but a lot warmer than home . " " Warm enough to use the beach ? " " I think so , yeah . I don 't know about going in the water , but I guess we 'll see . I 'm going to jump in the shower . I got some coffee too , I know how you need your coffee in the morning . " Adam knows me all too well from sleeping over the House after parties . I can 't get myself moving till I get come caffeine in me . " Damn man , you 're on the ball , thanks . " " No problem , " he said and went into the bathroom . Before getting out of bed , I noticed that the other side of the bed had been slept in . When I had got in the bed , I only pulled the covers of my side , the other side still made . But now the sheets were tossed and the pillows shifted . So Adam had slept in the bed . No big deal , but it was nice to know that Adam had slept next to me . I got out of bed and grabbed my coffee . After a few sips , it hit me . Shit , I got to call Evan . He 's probably freaking out . I went to the phone and dialed our number . He was probably in the Student Center , but I 'd leave him a message . I did get the machine . " Evan , hey , it 's John . Listen man , I 'm in Florida with Adam . We just started driving , like a spontaneous thing , and we ended up here . We should be back on Sunday , but I 'll try and catch up with you later . Tell Matt for me . And if my parents call , don 't tell them I am in Florida , just tell them I am out . Laters man . " I went through the bags that Adam brought back . The boy went to town . He bought two bathing suits , 4 surfer shirts , two pairs of flip flops , and two beach towels for the day . He also purchased clothes to wear at night , a couple of Khaki shorts and nicer t - shirts . A few minutes later , Adam came out of the bathroom , towel wrapped around his waist . I was sitting on the wicker couch , drinking my coffee and looking out the patio doors . " Shower was awesome , " Adam said as pulled the clothes out of the bag . " Yeah ? " I asked , checking him out nonchalantly as lay the clothes out on the bed . " Hot shower felt good after being in the car for so long . You see the clothes I got ? " " I did , nice job . " " I figured we 're about the same size , so hope they fit you . " Adam was standing facing the bed , and I was kind of behind him . He dropped his towel , exposing his naked ass to me . Running the Lacrosse field gave Adam a hard , firm ass . It was basically smooth , but you could see that he had some dark hairs between the crack of his ass when he shifted weight ontime with Adam . We pretty much lounged on our towels just talking . We put our feet in the water , but it was definitely too cold to go swimming . Around 4 o ' clock , the wind picked up and the beach became chilly . So we picked up our stuff and headed back to the room . On the way , we picked up a bottle of vodka , some orange juice , beer and a deck of cards . Back in the room , we watched some TV and started drinking , which is exactly what I would be doing in the dorms . We played cards for a couple of hours , having a good time . " I must say Adam , I 'm very impressed , " I said at one point . " At what ? " " That you haven 't spoken about or called Michele all day . " " I thought about it , but figure , what the hell , if she said we 'd break up over this , then we 're broken up till I get back . " " That 's might brave of you bud , or is that the booze speaking ? " " 90 % booze , " he said with a smile , " 10 % bravery . " " Well , if you 're broken up , does that mean that you will be on the prowl tonight ? " Adam chuckled , " I don 't know about that . " * * * * We showered and got dressed and figured we would walk the strip and see if anything was doing . Much like the beach , the bars were empty . But we were kind of expecting that . We were in and out a couple of different places , having a drink at each one . We were at this one bar and asked the bartender where a good place to go was . He said that there was pretty much nothing going on , but on Thursdays a lot of the locals went to one of the hotel bars for Karaoke . Friday was a little hotter than Thursday , so we hit the beach . We walked along the beach to a promenade that was in front of one of the hotels . There was a Fat Tuesday 's bar on the beach with some people hanging out , so we decided that we would hang out there for awhile . The Reggae Band . After having a few drinks we went back to the room . " Dude , let 's use the hot tub , " Adam suggested . " We can do that . Bring a couple of beers , maybe light a joint up if there is no one out there . " " Walsh , there isn 't going to be anyone out there . " Adam and I wind up getting really fucked up one night while in FL ( after you read the chapter , this will make sense ) , and fucking . It started off innocently , lying bed . Two horny guys . A touch of the leg , restlessness , one thing led to another , and it ended with Adam fucking me . Adam was an engaged partner , exploring my dody with his hands and he even tried sucking on my dick , though it only lasted a couple of minutes . But we fucked for like a half hour before he came . It was an amazing experience for me , something that I had been thinking about and wanting for a long time . A fantasy come true . But in reality , fantasies don 't come true . We fell asleep , and the next morning wasn 't good . When I woke up , Adam wasn 't in bed . He was outside on the deck , pacing back and forth . I could tell from the look on his face when he saw that I was standing at the door that there would be no good morning kiss . He was very apologetic , " we never should have done that . " After briefly talking about it , we tried to hit the beach . But eventually , after a whole lot of silence , Adam said that he felt like going home . So we hopped back into my car for 16 hours of silence between us . I was so afraid to say anything . I could feel our friendship slipping away . And I thought if we discussed it , in the confines of a car , it would only hurt the situation more . Better to leave it and talk about it tomorrow , after Adam has had some alone time . We had quick conversations in the car , but nothing of magnitude . And after that , things were never quite the same between Adam and I . We discussed what happened , but not really . Just " it can never happen again , and we can 't tell anyone . " Adam 's silence on the issue was enough for me to figure out what was going on . He was full of guilt . I think he really liked it , I know he liked from the look on his face and the moans as we fucked , but was ready to propose to Michele , ready to graduate , and this sort of confusion was the last thing that he needed . And me , I represented that confusion , perhaps a deep , hidden , pushed back feeling that Adam has always know about himself . That he was attarcted to boys and girls . I cried a lot over it actually . He stopped calling me regularly , converations in the student center and parties was colder than it was before , and he started spending a lot more time with Michele . By the time he graduated , we were getting closer to the way things were . But distance doesn 't help . I went to his graduation , we hugged good bye . I 'll be around he said . But knowing Michele , he wouldn 't be around that much . I did see him here and again . We didn 't speak on the phone too much . Adam eventually married Michele . I was at their wedding . Adam became a NJ State Trooper and lives at the Jersey Shore . No children yet , that I am aware of . Since moving to GA , I haven 't spoken or seen Adam in probably close to a year . Time heals , but life moves on . Next semester I was pledge master , and was busier than hell . The younger generation was moving up in the ranks of the fraternity , and although I thought of Adam frequently , I had a lot going on , and my life was about to change drastically . . . To be continued . This blog has four different parts : The earliest posts are my sexual biography . I tell the story of how I went from a 13yo gay kid to a happily married 44yo man with three kids . It was a strange , eventful journey . Most posts from late 2010 - mid 2011 detail my struggle to keep my marriage together , in spite of my sexuality , and in spite of my wife Gabbie 's on - going affair with a degenerate named Charlie . More recent posts are about my reluctant transition from a suburban dad to a newly - out middle - aged gay man . It 's been a difficult balancing act ; I have a lot to learn . Interspersed between the posts about my personal journey are my attempts to understand and explain bisexuality as it pertains to closeted men and their straight wives . I have opinions but I like them to be challenged . I also enjoy helping others who are dissatisfied with their mixed orientation marriage . Please feel free to email me directly at random4780 @ hotmail . com with any feedback . Thanks for reading and commenting ! Cameron Came out to my wife 2 years into our marriage . Left her . Came back 10 weeks later . Now , 19 years later she 's decided to leave me and the kids . |
I am myself , not what others expect me to be . I have a dog named Roxy and a man named Randy . Presently under employed . . . a bum of the state ! Ha . I woke up fairly early . DH was already off doing his work day . I took my time , made a pot of coffee , lazed around watching the Sopranos . I miss that show . I never did see the entire series . We came into it two seasons from the end . I think I may hulu it from the start and work my way to the end . Yesterday was nuts . My work day was fine . But the mechanic had promised to have my car ready by 3 : 00 . . . so I could make the drive in daylight . It wasn 't ready . When I got there , he was just leaving to go get the four inches of replacement hose . Sheesh . I was not going to walk home . I was not happy at the delay . I am not a very patient person when I really want something . So , in the interest of not allowing my car repair to continue into the following day , I sat myself on a bench across the street from the mechanic in full view . Yesterday was windy . I was dressed . . . according to Jeff Foxworthy in the garb of an Oregonian . . . meaning wearing shorts despite the weather . . . and my little light weight hoodie . My bags were next to my feet . A little guilt to motivate seemed required . But then again , maybe its because I can be a real brat when I don 't get my way . He did not finish until 5 : 09 as it began to get dark . In my head I am doing calculations on my arrival time . DH was expecting me to leave around 3 : 00ish . Max had shown up to sit with me and to get a ride home when the car was done . As we were gassing up , X showed up and began asking questions about the car repair . My brain is thinking that all I want to do is get on the road . Finally I let Max out and started for the freeway . Oregon recently passed a law that says you cannot use a cell phone while driving . I should have thought to take the time to call DH and let him know that I would be two and a half hours late . When I picked my cell phone out of my purse once I was on the freeway , I remembered the new law . Crap ! Too late . I was not pulling off the freeway and adding even more time on at that point . Once you get to the metro area I have to pass through , traffic gets tight . I am a person who believes in letting people know that you will be late . X used to drive me nuts with not bothering . Its rude . People worry . Traffic was also crazy . It was steady but not too bad if the nuts had stayed home . You know the type of drivers I mean . . . the truck going 58 MPH passing the truck going 57 MPH that block both lanes forever . The guy who gets into the passing lane and sits there going exactly the speed limit , backing up cars behind him like a mother duck with ducklings . The guy who passes you , gets in front of you and then slows down to a speed below yours . But I made it . The car ran well . DH was waiting and though getting concerned , was not angry . He had not called me because of the no cell phone law too . There was a nice drink and a bit later some soup . All I had to do was walk in the door and the tension of my day melted away . Good stuffs ! I won 't be posting this weekend after this . I 'll be back on Monday morning . . . or maybe Sunday evening if the mood strikes me after my return drive home . It depends . Big grins ! Cool beans . What an interesting and somewhat exhausting week . As it turned out I did not get to meet with my favorite frog . He was three quarters of the way up and into my state , when he got called into work on a new job . In construction , you have to work when there is work . I understand that . So he pulled into a motel to get some sleep before he had to turn around to get back in time for work . My work week was pretty good . I didn 't damage any children this week . No one cried . We had a sub one day in Special Ed . . . and that makes the kids go bonkers . But the sub was happy to let them and even joined in a bit . One of the coolest things about my job is when a student has an ah - ha moment . Today one of the kids that I am helping to learn how to print clicked on how to write a " g " . He got so excited that he was jumping up and down saying " I did it ! " over and over . We let him and everyone clapped . Remember when drawing a " g " right could make your day ? I have been making plans with DH to go there for the weekend . Last night he asked me when I 'd come down . I said Friday after school . Then as a joke I said unless I have a day off . . . I did not think so , but I 'd check . It turned out that I don 't work on Friday . So I 'm off tomorrow as soon as school gets out and heading south . The weather is even cooperating this trip . I haven 't been there since New Years . Almost a month . Sanctuary is sounding great to me . So tonight was a cookie baking marathon . I find that I cannot bake DH cookies and not make some for the boy - os . They protest loudly now that they know I can make cookies . The last batch of macaroons is in the oven as I type . Squeaky is mad about the oatmeal cookies . I simply did not have enough time to bake all six dozen . Their half went into the fridge as dough . They can bake them . Besides , I made Squeaky 's shish - ka - bobs and pilaf for diner . I shopped for all their favorite foods and snackers earlier . They will not starve or want . I have to wait for the dryer to finish before I can complete my packing . I am always afraid that I will forget something . . . here and there . I ususally take too much stuff too . DH will work on Friday , so I 'll have the run of his home to myself . I enjoy that . I 'll probably go out for a walk if it does not rain there . I can get some writing done that I have not had time to do . Maybe a long hot soak in the tub free from phones and kids . We have the same taste in music , so I have tons of that there too and a great sound system . It really is like a vacation for me when I go there . I still have stuff to do yet . I 'd like to say that I am usually more organized than this . . . but I 'm not . My plans tend to be thwarted by my brood . Squeaky 's clothes were in the washer when I went to do mine . Things like that happen . But I am excited and won 't sleep worth a darn anyway . Hey does anyone else have yahoo ? My mail has been freaking out . I keep getting delayed emails . I just got one that DH sent last Monday . How weird is that ? Does anyone know how to fix it ? Is it my mail or is it his computer ? I don 't know . Sometimes I am too nice . Its been a problem over the years . The truth is that I don 't like to hurt people 's feelings and I do like to help when I can . Goodness knows that I have been helped enough times in my life that payback of some sort is due . But there have been times when helping has turned sour . There was a young single mom who lived across the fence from me in a nearly identical apartment building to my own . We stared into each other 's window . She had a boy who was Boo 's age at the time … 6 . The Bear was bran spanking new . It was not uncommon for the moms in our complexes to trade babysitting time . So when this woman came to me and asked me to watch her son so that she could apply for a job , I said certainly I would . X was out of town for three weeks on a job several hours away . We did not have a phone at the time , nor did I have a car while he was gone . Not a big deal . We were just a few blocks from the market and anything else I thought I might need . In a pinch I could walk to the phone booth at the corner and call one of my relatives or friends if something went wrong . The day arrived that I was supposed to watch Slick , as the boy was called . The mom showed up , looking very nervous . Interview jitters , I thought and waved her off . Slick slipped past me to sit on the floor next to Boo and was lost in the world of Ninja Turtles . Bear slept soundly in her bassinette . When I turned around , Slick was still in his coat , with a big scarf wrapped around his head and neck that would have made Dr . Who envious . This was in Fresno , where we might have had a bit of fog that morning , but it was no where close to freezing or even particularly cold . " Slick , why don 't you take those off … you must be overheating . " The boy shook his head and did not say a word . Slick was a normally quiet boy . I turned my attention to the dishes . After a time , he was still sitting there all bundled up . I walked over and tugged at his coat . He allowed me to remove it , but when I tried to unwind the scarf , he held on tight . Odd . I insisted , my mom senses were tingling . Slick looked up at me with very sad eyes . " Did your mom tell you not to take the scarf off ? " I asked as casually as possible , not to let my anger show . It was unlikely this boy 's fault . He nodded . His cheeks were so swollen that they vanished down his neck into his shirt . I knew from past experience what caused that … mumps . There was not a darned thing that I could do about it . I felt his feverish head . I made him stand on the scale and gave him the appropriate dose of children 's fever reducer , then made him comfortable on the sofa . None of my children ever had the mumps . They had all been religiously vaccinated . I was not worried for them . I was worried for myself . I 'd never had the mumps , but my brother had . When Slick 's mother returned , I complained . She said , well she thought he looked funny , but thought it was just a bug . Who sends a child with a " bug " into the home of a new born ? Someone desperate to get a job , I suppose . I hoped that I would get lucky and escape . For a few weeks it looked as if I had . Then one of the guys where X worked stopped by to say the job was going over an extra week . We were getting short on money , but I could stretch things by making bread . I spent Bear 's afternoon nap making bread for the week . By the time she woke up , my head was killing me . By the next morning I looked like I was sporting Jabba the Hut 's head and could not turn my head in either direction . Feeling ill does not come close to the feeling I had . Wishing I 'd just die and get it over with does . X would not be home for at lease four days . There was no way on earth that I could pack the baby up in the stroller and head for the pay phone a block away . I was seriously considering using Bear 's Huggies to keep from having to get off the couch and visit the bathroom . I thought … surely someone will come by . Not a soul . For three days Boo took care of me and his tiny sister . He mixed formula like a pro , fed and burped her , changed her and all with no complaint . I did not feel much like eating , but he made and fed me luke warm soup from the microwave … I did not want him to burn himself if it spilled . The fourth day , a friend showed up . I had promised to baby sit for their anniversary that evening . Kathy had come by to make sure it would be alright to drop her sons off a bit early . She took one look at me and said " Oh my god ! " All I could do was cry , I was so glad to see her because I knew that I could now die and my children would survive . She spent her anniversary taking care of me and my kids , while her husband babysat their own . When X returned the next day , I hardly noticed , except for his ranting and raving about how mad he was at Slick 's mom making my head hurt even more . I tried to thank Kathy before she left , but she insisted that she had been thrilled to be able to play with a girl baby for a few days and waved it off . The following work week she showed up every morning to take over when X left until I was well enough to take care of my family again . So sometimes I am too nice . I get that . But on the other hand , if I had not been a nice person and traded babysitting with Kathy , who would have shown up to help me ? That is the thing about payback for kindness . It is not on time , but it is certainly timely when needed . I guess its not so bad being too nice . You can argue that I never would have gotten sick if I had said no and you would likely be correct . But then again , maybe I would have gotten another illness off a shopping cart handle when I rubbed my eyes . You never know when you will need help . Best to keep that kindness bank full … and always , be thankful . Okay . Short post . . . hurried post . Yesterday was fun . M got into town about half an hour before I got off work . I gave him the twenty minute tour . We had a beer and sat around his room talking . Then we had a nice diner at a little place across the river . I went home for the night . This morning we had breakfast together , then said good bye . He 's off for Nevada by now . I had a great time . When I got home , my oldest son was missing . The saga began while I was on my date . Bear called to ask if I had heard from Boo . He 'd had a flat and no one knew where he was . They could find the car . . . but no son . So when I got home from my date , there was a son to be found and much excitement . So while our keystone kop bunch ran around with their coats flapping in the wind , Boo walked all the way home . I think DH 's computer has gone insane . Last night he was sending emails around 10 : 00 PM that did not arrive until 5 : 38AM . You could see the time stamp from when they were sent . It was like they were suspended somewhere . Very odd . Well there you have it . My odd mutterings for the day . I am tuckered out . . . and I still have to go teach children and pretend to know what I am doing . Wow . What a perfect song for this post . Funny how I got it too . This morning when I was considering what I wanted to do with today 's post , I went brain dead . So I emailed DH and said . . . don 't think . . . just tell me the first song that pops into your head . This was it . Its funny because I did not know what I was going to write about yet . I was going to use whatever song he gave me as a prompt . Nor did I look at his email until I knew what I was going to write about . It turned out to be so perfect ! Date one was with a very nice man . When he arrived . . . half an hour early , I was just stepping out of the shower . Max taps on the door and tells me there 's an oopaloompa at the door . Max was wrong , he wasn 't blue . We went to see Extraordinary Measures with Harrison Ford and Brandon Frasier . It was a good movie . . . made me cry of course . Pizza . Nice drive after . Bear texted me during the movie to see if I was hacked up and neatly packed in glad bags yet . I made it home in one piece . Today 's date ( Sunday ) arrived an hour and a half early . I am seeing a trend here . I am an exactly on time person . X 's family can 't tell time and are up to two hours late . Used to drive me bonkers . This one I told to hold tight , I was no where near ready . We met for lunch . The conversation was good . He was nice , a bit older than me , but not too much . We talked in the restaurant for a long time . Then I took him on a tour of the town . . . which took about 20 minutes because I drove slowly . Then we sat next to his car and talked a lot longer . Sigh . Sweet man . Owns a lot of property , nice cars and three homes . But I am not looking for sugar toppings . The problem with dating is me , I think . I know in my head what I want . I know when I see someone and talk to them for a bit if it will work for me . I have settled in the past . I am too old to settle now . I know that I am no fantastic glorious pie in the sky catch . I 'm also not looking for a perfect person . I still want the right one . Better alone than sorry . . . and I know me . And so , as the song says . . . I know what price I am willing or not willing to pay . Unfortunately , the price this weekend was telling two very nice men that I was not interested . I hate that part . I feel guilty that they have spent money , time and effort on me . But I owe them the truth . On the flip side , I expect to be told in person at the time if its not going to work for them too . I enter this with no expectations , other than to see what there is to see . I prefer honesty . I am not offended by it . I do not give my heart away easily anymore . I learned that lesson a long , long time ago . . . and tried for too many years to make the best of a unwise situation . The first one listened to me , then said " Well can we at least go out some more ? Maybe you 'll change your mind . " I had to say no . But he took it fairly well . I slept okay . The second one did not . He looked offended , sounded offended and left in a huff . I feel like scum ! Crap . But there 's the price . I cannot please anyone until I can please myself on this issue . That may be cold , I don 't know . I tell myself that it would only become harder to do and more awful if they are allowed time to get invested . I am not pulting either of them . It just didn 't work out . . . time for them to find a new pond . So it goes . Two less frogs . There you have it . I 'm still motoring . Meanwhile . . . train two has left the station . It sounds like he may land stop here by mid - week . I 'm really looking forward to this meeting . One way or another it will end well . . . we are already friends anyway if nothing more happens and that is fine with me . The only thing that can really go wrong is if the two trains collide and arrive at the same time . Cross your fingers . I 'm not even going to think about what happens beyond that . There is no point until you know . Both teams did a heck of a job playing . Best game I have seen all season . Vikings played well and it could have gone either way . My hat is tipped to both . Please take note : It does not matter if you are pro - war or anti - war . These men deserve our respect . It 's not about the war . Its about pride , honor and service . The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut . It was an honor for him . He told me that , although he didn 't know the soldier , he had delivered the news of his death to the soldier 's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days . I turned back to him , extended my hand , and said , Thank you , Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do . Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom . " Ladies and gentlemen , I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family . I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier . We will then turn off the seat belt sign . " Very soon , you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday . The reason ? Americans who support our troops used to be called the " silent majority . " We are no longer silent , and are voicing our love for God , country and home in record breaking numbers . We are not organized , boisterous or overbearing . Many Americans , like you , me and all our friends , simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops . Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday . . . and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home , sending a deafening message that . . . Every red - blooded American who supports our men and women afar , will wear something red . The first thing a soldier says when asked " What can we do to make things better for you ? " is . " We need your support and your prayers . " Let 's get the word out and lead with class and dignity , by example , and wear something red every Friday . What a great day . I got my car back at long , long last . I cannot tell you how great it feels to drive after dark and be able to use my headlights , wipers and the defroster all at the same time without worry that I will not make it home before the battery gives out . As far as I am concerned , the mechanic who fixed it is an angel for certain . . . so thanks Mark . It was even a good day at work today . But then , everyone is generally in high spirits on Fridays . I am writing this on Friday night . . . late . The kids were good . Our special ed teacher was gone for the day and a fun sub was there to take her place . A few minor confusions , but nothing that anyone needed to get upset about happened . That is a good day in my opinion . I didn 't make any children cry today . Instead , they were all angels . With my own car back , I did not have to play Bullwinkle to Rocket J . Squirrel , who has been very nice to me . You know there is nothing like independence . Still . . . here 's to Rocket J . Squirrel , yet another angel of sorts . My gratitude is in the right place . Thank you sir ! Train A has left the depot . Had a good chat with him before departure . Train B has yet to depart . Granted they are going via different routes and each has others to see on their journeys . I am a stop on the way up or the way down . Oddly enough both are headed for the same point north as well as departing from the same southern location . What are the odds of that ? Still with different departures , it 's my hope that the time lines will not meet here . What a pickle that would be ! I do not know if they are angels or not . Right now they are only frogs . Meanwhile , DH abides . I 'll be going there next weekend . . . and Superbowl weekend for certain . I 'm thinking I 'd like to make boudin ( pronounced boo dan ) and dirty rice for the occation . Ever had either ? I bet at least Cube knows what I am talking about . . . maybe secret agent woman too . Good stuffs ! I grew up part of the boys . I played hard ball , football ( tackle , much to my mother 's dismay and my father 's mirth ) , Combat , and a rather violent form of kick the can that involved shoving and tackling . My neighborhood was predominately Catholic at a time when the rhythm method was the birth control of choice , so there was never a shortage of children . Unfortunately for me , most of them were boys or older and younger than me if female . As per the custom in our house , the older sibling was responsible for the younger . My poor brother , only a year and a half older than me was elected to be my caretaker . His friends were pretty good sports about it because I was not a cry baby . I was able to play rough and give as well as get . This did little to prepare me for dating . You 'd think that I would know how to talk to boys and have nothing at all to fear from them . But a funny thing happened when my brother went to junior high school and he and his friends discovered girls . I was dropped from their activities like a hot potato . I spent a year in limbo , having only girls to hang out with from school . But they did girly stuff . . . took dance lessons , went to charm school and talked about boys as boyfriends endlessly . Yech . If a boy had dared to kiss me at that point , I 'd have slugged him hard enough to rattle his back teeth . A new girl moved in within a block of me the year we began junior high . Let 's call her Euglena . She was the only child of much older parents that I was used to seeing . We happened to have the same exact birthday . . . born in the same hospital and within an hour of each other . Her parents were nice and treated me very well . Bithdays were spent every year at the Ice Capades and a fancy diner after . I got to go on trips and out to do fun things . It was a way to keep Euglena happy with company . Worked well for me too . They worked for an organization that takes in troubled boys , saves them from time in juvy and returns them to their parents as changed fellows . ( Yeah . . . right ! ) Euglena was crawling in bad boys turned Christians . Hey , you do what you have to do to escape incarseration and you are thankful . They were everywhere that we were . Euglena had charm and selfesteem to beat the band . I was the awkward second . The bad boys would flirt with me and I went instantly stupid . . . no clue what to say or how to act . I giggled . Euglena and parents were intent on getting me hooked up with one of the boys so that Euglena and I could double date . Safety in numbers you know . One day Euglena informs me that we are double dating and I have a blind date with B . Oh my god . . . B ! Yikes . . . only the most drooled over guy in church . He was a good three years older than me . . . a high school guy . Handsome and somewhat stuck on himself . Looking back now I wonder what huge favor the guy owed them or what bribery it took for him to consent to this date . Saturday afternoon we were supposed to go ice skating with Euglena and her current love interest . Now my folks had a rule , no boys over a year older than us could date us . So I kept my trap shut and only admitted to ice skating . They picked me up . Euglena 's fellow was driving and I was placed in the back seat with an uncomfortable looking B , both of us hugging our respective doors and gazing out the windows to avoid looking at each other . This was just past Christmas and I was wearing the new pant suit my mother had given me as a present . I 'd never worn it or one before or let me tell you . . . since . It was very girly . . . gag a maggot . I 'd have been much more comfortable in my levi 's and one of my brother 's jerseys . I 'd allowed Euglena and her mother to put make up on my face . . . another huge no - no in my family for girls my age . I could not have been less at ease . We got to our destination . . . the ice skating rink out in a par of town that I was not allowed to see or be in . Once inside , the others put on their skates quickly and hit the ice while I was still trying to figure out how you laced the damned things . I could roller skate backwards as easily as forwards and was trying to convince myself that ice skates must be similar . Finally I wobbled onto the ice and took some careful strides into the traffic . Dorthy Hammel had nothing to fear from my lack of talent . B passed me twice , doing turns and twirls , showing off I suppose , though unlikely for me . For anyone who wanted to admire him . On the third pass , he grabbed my hand and drug me along . I tried to smile and keep up , one arm milling around to keep me upright . A more graceless being was not in the rink that day . Somewhere soon after , we took a sharp turn to avoid some slower skaters with common sense and I lost contact with B 's hand . . . the only thing between me and the bane of my dating years . Arms flailing and no control what so ever . . . I crashed into the side of the rink and did the splits on my trip to the ice . A nice older couple stopped to help me to my shaky feet . I felt a draft of cold air and unwilling to check it out there and then , I wobbled to the side of the rink and into the girls restroom . As a young child just starting school , my mother lined up her brood every morning as we were about to leave the house for inspection . Now my mother was a bit of a fanatic about her children and how they presented themselves . I do not know which child it was that had decided one day to skip underwear , but someone had who was older than me . So inspection included a check for underwear . . . and to be sure it was clean underwear . It was an odd and unsettling event each school day , but we always did as she asked and showed her our panties . I assure you she was not a pervert , just unwilling to take a chance that we would be found without them . At least she took our word on weather they were clean or not , but she did ask . Let me tell you , I silently thanked my mother for that odd ritual that day in the rink . My pants were split from one inner knee to the other inner knee . . . leaving me with a very weird " chaps " sort of effect , with my clean and lovely pink panties with the eyelet lace trim wide open for viewing . Heaven only knows how many people had viewed them on the way into the restroom . Well , I was mortified beyond my ability to deal with that situation . I sat in a stall until Euglena arrived to see if I was okay . NO . But at least she had some sort of solution . We dug into our purses and pockets and bought a bazillion kotex pads from the vending machine for the safety pins that came with them . It was certain that I would not be skating more that day . Safetly pins are not all that safe , as I found out a few times in the miserable hour or two that we remained at the rink . Nor could I even look B in the face . I must have looked very charming that lovely shade of scarlet . At long last the date ended and we got in the car to leave . Originally we were going to go out for diner after , but that was scuttled . I was dropped off and B acted the gentleman and walked me to my door . We mumbled good bye . I 'm sure he was just as glad as I was to be done with the whole awful mess . ( In later years when my folks knew that I was on a date , my dad would watch out the window for my arrival and would flick the porch light on and off rapidly until I was inside the house and my poor date fled . ) I still find dating to be a horrible nerve wracking event . Here I am a grandma with clear understanding of the interactions of men and women . . . and it does not help an iota on a first date . In my head I keep thinking about everything that can go wrong . I also carry a small roll of duct tape in my purse . . . no safety pins required ! But you will not get me on ice skates . I can promise you that . Okay , I think the weird creep issue is taken care of now . No worries . The frogs were less frisky tonight . Good , because I needed a break . I have a date on Saturday with one I have dated before who lives within an hour of travel . A first date with a new one on Sunday . I had fun on the phone with my favorite frog for a bit . Meanwhile the frog trains keep on rolling . . . Two trains on the same track moving toward each other . One travels from the east at a leisurely pace , the other will arrive from the west , only God know when . Both are leaving the same area at the same time but taking different routes . It seems that I have a little math problem . Arrival times for both are unknown as yet . . . but within days . Yikes . I know what happens when trains collide . Someone crashes . I 'm hoping they are more like ships that pass in the night . . . and I don 't end up smashed in the middle . Life in the pond has suddenly become quite complex . Well I wanted more excitement , but honestly , I thought it would be more spread out . Both intend to call when they get in my area on the way to other places and obligations . I am anxious to meet both . The more the merry - o . . . providing its not the same day . They are only dates . . . first dates at that . . . not life commitments . This is calling it close . What a freak of an evening ! After several calm and sedate days , things exploded . I had no time . My oldest son showed up for a visit . I had two marathon phone calls ( two different frogs ) , missed calls , voice mails , emails , texts and two invitations to travel south to meet frogs . I made DH some macaroons . . . goodness only knows when I will have time to deliver them and get some peace . ( Good lord . . . Avoid the obvious pun please ! ) The whole day was a freak . It began with no ride to work . . . my car was in the shop at long last . Called a friend 's son and woke him up , begged a ride . The head librarian showed up to work with me for the day . I made three children cry big wet tears . Worked up library supply orders , book orders and filled out P . O . s . The mechanic called to tell me that my car would not be ready until tomorrow afternoon instead . Begged another ride to the store and then home from Rocket J . Squirrel . . . my friend 's son who is a whole different trip himself . I have been baking , yakking on the phone and even chatting on line for time with two . I am exhausted . Nights like this in the pond are very rare . Is there a full moon or something ? But the truly eerie part of my day arrived via an email at my work . I have a secret admirer . . . yeah , right . It 's the same one . More bizarre than any I can recall . This is the one who likes to write my name on its parts . . . and email me photos . I 'm sure that I mentioned it before and really , I did laugh it off . But that was on my personal email . Not my work email . How did it get my work email ? It says it has seen me on my myspace . Well all it can really see are my feet on that site . That is the only photo of me there . My feet ! How does it know my feet ? It says that it knows me , and misses me . It says it wants me to look at the photos of its parts with my name on them and guess who it is , then I can approach it . . . because it is shy . To get to my work email you must know my entire name . . . first and last . When this happened on my personal email I was a bit unnerved . I did not look at the photos . Yes , I have pin feathers and I cluck . If it knows me and misses me , then it can 't have seen me for a bit , right ? How long is a bit ? From where does it know me ? Worse yet . . . would I know the parts ? Is that how I am supposed to guess who ? I don 't exactly know many parts . . . if you get my drift . How do I deal with this one ? Any ideas ? My father was an interesting dad . One of the things he did that drove my mother insane was to sit down when we are all watching TV and open up an encyclopedia . He would read quietly for a time , then impart some interesting fact he 'd found . I loved it . I am sure that this is the reason that I developed a love of learning for fun . One thing that made my siblings groan were our trips to historical places . We spent most weekends traveling up and down California seeing what there was to see . Much of this time was spent on the gold highway . Like it or not , historical education with my father was a required course in our family . Few events could get you out of these outings . He believed that we needed to know our history to understand the present and possible futures . Likewise we were also assigned reading material to be discussed after finishing the books he selected . But that is another matter . It was not the most comfortable travel , which is the major reason they groaned , but also because they would rather be hanging out with friends . By this time I was in junior high and they were both in high school . The two oldest sisters were off and married . The three of us teens were jammed in the rear seat of a 1965 Mustang . I do not know what my brother and the Medusa were grumpped over because I was the one stuck in the middle . If you know vintage Mustangs , you understand . The rear seat rests on the drive shaft in the middle . I had about two inches of padding under my rump that topped what amounted to a steel pipe . My legs had to straddle the " hump " of the drive shaft on either side , which led to foot fights for space . In the end I often laid my legs down the hump to rest just to the rear of the shifter . Meanwhile my butt went numb . I was always happy to reach some site and jump out of the car if for no other reason than to get the feeling in my fanny back . One time he was on his way home from a race . My dad was pulling the race car behind on the trailer . I cannot recall what track he had been on , but they swung by Santa Cruz to pick me up from a month of bad behavior with my funch bunch . I squeezed into the middle of the rear seat … myself in my first year of high school now and the Medusa in college , my senior brother a football back . My legs drifted down that hump to rest against the shift . Some fool opted to cut my dad off . Two things happened in rapid succession . First , my father grabbed my foot and shifted . Well that didn 't work out well ! Then my father , who never uttered a swear word in my hearing in my entire life said some very shocking words . All of the occupants of the car dropped their chins in disbelief while I reeled my legs back into the back seat . He deftly steered the car and trailer off the side of the road , escaping disaster by inches . The car sat there in silence for many minutes . No one would have dared to say a word . Not even my mother , who was queen of the world in dad 's eyes . We may have been an hour down the road before anyone tried to speak … and then it was my father , who apologized for his behavior . I admired that . All my life my father had chosen his curses carefully . There was " dad gum it , dog gone it , for the love of Pete " ( Who was Pete that we did things for the love of him ? ) and my favorite , " cheese and rice ! " Now that we are all adults , I do hear him swear like he was born to it . But not then . I was shocked despite my own colorful language use at the point in time . Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that he did not even know those words . My father believed in educating his children himself . Some day I tell you how he taught me to drink . Ha . Or how he taught me to drive … very entertaining , both . C4C was a participant in the drinking training . Not to worry , her folks had a similar attitude . Kind of like the plan to keep me from smoking on street corners . Sometimes our plans backfire . Enough said . It 's shocking when we realize that our parents are human like the rest of us . If I had been another person , I might have thought worse of my father . Instead , I found his being human being with all their flaws a comfort of sorts . That perhaps I had this thing in common with a man that I had previously felt was so far above me that I could never manage to measure up to his level of quality . Yes , it did open my eyes a bit , but not at all in a bad way . In a very odd way , it made us more equal and gave me permission to be human too . As I have said before , I was the last of five children . Both of my parents worked at a time when most moms were still on site . My mom tired to make it home before me , but that did not often work out . All I had to do was let myself into the back yard , pat the slobbering basset and get the key off the back porch . Even when my mom did make it home , she was generally tired and took a nap before making a big family diner . We had a system of sorts that made the older children responsible for the younger ones . The older you were the more power you had over those below . But the younger you were , the less responsibility you had . The system worked . All of us girls … four of us … looked after my brother . We cleaned his room , did his laundry and if he was hungry , we fed him stuff . He was responsible for the yard work , unless he was in training for whatever sport he was playing . Then that became girls work too . Clearly he was the prince . But he was a good brother too . I have no complaint about him . The worst thing about being the last of five is that my parents were tired and busy . When I would whine about wanting to learn this or that , my father hired someone . Art lessons , music lessons ( I was awful at music ! ) , YWCA , Red Cross swimming lessons . Or there were the do it yourself lessons . My dad was fond of that vein . So when I looked at my older sisters … who all three had matching Hercules 3 - speeds and my brother with his goose neck bike , I whined that I wanted a bike . I wanted to learn how to ride one . I knew how that was done . You got on a bike and your dad ran along next to you until you could cruise away on your own . My dad said … " There are three girls ' bikes out in the trash yard doing nothing . Use one of those . " I looked at them , laying in a tangle half leaned against the trash yard fence . All the tires were flat . I reported back the bad news . He handed me a tire patch kit and told me to use the air compressor . They were full of cobwebs so I picked one and gave it a bath . I lucked out when the tires stayed up after adding air . Back I went into the house to report that the bike and I were now both ready for the lesson . My dad lowered his paper and looked at me . " Well , go figure it out . " He said , snapping his paper back open and getting back to the news . It took me all day to get to the point where I could stand up and pedal . I had to stand up . The seat was too high . I fell down fairly often , but was good at laying the bike down as I went to minimize damage . Then came the magic moment when I not only wobbled along , but got to speed up . I was flying ! The first corner was scary , but I managed to get around it with only minor correction . I flew down the back side of the block with the wind tossing my hair . I was congratulating myself on learning how to ride in just a day , when Mrs . Wynn walked out her door and stood at the corner , waiting for traffic to clear on Whison … one of our busiest streets . Mentally I willed the cars to vanish and urged Mrs . Wynn to get a hustle going . The cars continued and the old gal didn 't budge . Crap ! I gripped the hand brakes and squeezed for all I was worth , teeth gritted and bared . Nothing . It had never occurred to me to check the hand brakes . Never . I hadn 't really needed them when all I was doing was starting and falling down . Well shoot … time for a quick prayer before impact . Miracles do happen . It felt like one when the traffic cleared and Mrs . Wynn stepped off the curb . I jerked the handlebars left and whizzed around the corner , safe . This was the short end of the block . I stopped pedaling and cruised , navigated the last corner and continued to slow as I did the last long side of the block toward home . When I got to my house , I let the hill of grass in front slow me more … jumped off sideways and hit the ground running . The bike fell on its side and the rear wheel continued to spin , as I caught my breath and silently thanked God that I 'd made it back safe . I reported my progress to my old man . My mother beside him said " George , get those brakes fixed tomorrow . " My father nodded and went back to his paper with a sigh . Satisfied , because my father always did what my mother said , I began the climb to my room up the stairs . " Rebecca … " My dad peered at me over the top of his paper . " I better not find that bike lying on the lawn . " I tromped back down the stairs and opened the door . " You can bring it up on the porch , but don 't leave it where someone will fall over it . " I nodded and he stopped me again . " I 'll make you a deal . You get straight ' A 's on your summer school report card and I will buy you any bran new bike you want . " My dad had a way of making me work hard at things . Teaching myself to ride the bike was not a bad thing . I developed confidence and found out the value of being tenacious . Using it to motivate me in school was a master stroke . I was a very stubborn child . I did get all A s on my report card that year . I lost my report card on the way home from the last day of summer school . I cried when I got home and told my mom I 'd lost it and dad would never believe me . Okay , so he didn 't automatically believe me , but he called the principal who gave him the good news and he came immediately home , taking time off from work to keep his word . Summer school ended at noon . By 2 : 00 I had my bike and it was beautiful . " I don 't ever want to see it laying on the lawn and you keep it clean or you 'll lose it . " He told me as we pulled into the driveway . That bike sparkled until I gave it away when I started high school . I used to think at the time that he was mean as dads went . Not big on affection . But looking back I see he made his choices with me according to my personality and what worked on that stubborn kid . I think he did alright . He certainly fed my dreams and helped me to become strong enough to handle what life has thrown my way . Crosby Stills & Nash - Teach Your Children Crosby Stills & Nash - Teach Your Children 1977 Posted by We love Mexican food . That California thing that infects our lives . I grew up with it . . . Bear is married to it via the original " green bean " in our lives . My grandson the newest " green bean " dips his straw into the hot sauce to drink it . I tried like the dickens to show you how large my margarita was ! This is " Raptor Jesus " according to Squeaky , who . . . after I took this photo to prove how huge this monster drink was . . . commented that dinosaurs come in varying sizes . Okay , so that did not work . This is my last effort to prove its size . That is a normal table knife and glass of water . 30 oz . of margarita ! Need I say more ? If so , I 'm out of ideas . But it was a big fecking drink and I felt pretty darned good by the time I left . It was a day worth celebrating . I can think of no better way . . . okay I might be lying about that . . . than to be with family I love and have a good time . I got a new phone that works , a land line with unlimited minutes , better internet , paid some bills that were in need to be paid , added to my savings , got my own battery charger . . . that told me that my battery was dead as a doornail . . . and spent time with people that I enjoy and love . Progress is a good thing . Fun is also a great thing . That I had . Spent some time with DH on line . Talked to my favorite frog twice . Batted back some emails from other frogs . All my boy - os showed up to visit tonight as well . Now I am on the edge of a 3 day weekend . . . with Monday paid . I have some plans that are not exactly interesting , but should prove to give me some satisfaction . . . housework , laundry , and cleaning up the newest mess that the smelly dog made on the porch . May as well get those things done while I have time and no transportation . On Monday I have promised to join two lunitics from my work in their maddness to exercise . They have joined some " Biggest Loser " deal in the area . I am not joining , but I will exercise with them and we will be each other 's trainers . Then I will sit down and write a bit of more serious stuff . I have not done that in some time now , as you may have noticed . Time to get back to that . So look for much more entertaining stuff tomorrow . |
I am myself , not what others expect me to be . I have a dog named Roxy and a man named Randy . Presently under employed . . . a bum of the state ! Ha . I woke up fairly early . DH was already off doing his work day . I took my time , made a pot of coffee , lazed around watching the Sopranos . I miss that show . I never did see the entire series . We came into it two seasons from the end . I think I may hulu it from the start and work my way to the end . Yesterday was nuts . My work day was fine . But the mechanic had promised to have my car ready by 3 : 00 . . . so I could make the drive in daylight . It wasn 't ready . When I got there , he was just leaving to go get the four inches of replacement hose . Sheesh . I was not going to walk home . I was not happy at the delay . I am not a very patient person when I really want something . So , in the interest of not allowing my car repair to continue into the following day , I sat myself on a bench across the street from the mechanic in full view . Yesterday was windy . I was dressed . . . according to Jeff Foxworthy in the garb of an Oregonian . . . meaning wearing shorts despite the weather . . . and my little light weight hoodie . My bags were next to my feet . A little guilt to motivate seemed required . But then again , maybe its because I can be a real brat when I don 't get my way . He did not finish until 5 : 09 as it began to get dark . In my head I am doing calculations on my arrival time . DH was expecting me to leave around 3 : 00ish . Max had shown up to sit with me and to get a ride home when the car was done . As we were gassing up , X showed up and began asking questions about the car repair . My brain is thinking that all I want to do is get on the road . Finally I let Max out and started for the freeway . Oregon recently passed a law that says you cannot use a cell phone while driving . I should have thought to take the time to call DH and let him know that I would be two and a half hours late . When I picked my cell phone out of my purse once I was on the freeway , I remembered the new law . Crap ! Too late . I was not pulling off the freeway and adding even more time on at that point . Once you get to the metro area I have to pass through , traffic gets tight . I am a person who believes in letting people know that you will be late . X used to drive me nuts with not bothering . Its rude . People worry . Traffic was also crazy . It was steady but not too bad if the nuts had stayed home . You know the type of drivers I mean . . . the truck going 58 MPH passing the truck going 57 MPH that block both lanes forever . The guy who gets into the passing lane and sits there going exactly the speed limit , backing up cars behind him like a mother duck with ducklings . The guy who passes you , gets in front of you and then slows down to a speed below yours . But I made it . The car ran well . DH was waiting and though getting concerned , was not angry . He had not called me because of the no cell phone law too . There was a nice drink and a bit later some soup . All I had to do was walk in the door and the tension of my day melted away . Good stuffs ! I won 't be posting this weekend after this . I 'll be back on Monday morning . . . or maybe Sunday evening if the mood strikes me after my return drive home . It depends . Big grins ! Cool beans . What an interesting and somewhat exhausting week . As it turned out I did not get to meet with my favorite frog . He was three quarters of the way up and into my state , when he got called into work on a new job . In construction , you have to work when there is work . I understand that . So he pulled into a motel to get some sleep before he had to turn around to get back in time for work . My work week was pretty good . I didn 't damage any children this week . No one cried . We had a sub one day in Special Ed . . . and that makes the kids go bonkers . But the sub was happy to let them and even joined in a bit . One of the coolest things about my job is when a student has an ah - ha moment . Today one of the kids that I am helping to learn how to print clicked on how to write a " g " . He got so excited that he was jumping up and down saying " I did it ! " over and over . We let him and everyone clapped . Remember when drawing a " g " right could make your day ? I have been making plans with DH to go there for the weekend . Last night he asked me when I 'd come down . I said Friday after school . Then as a joke I said unless I have a day off . . . I did not think so , but I 'd check . It turned out that I don 't work on Friday . So I 'm off tomorrow as soon as school gets out and heading south . The weather is even cooperating this trip . I haven 't been there since New Years . Almost a month . Sanctuary is sounding great to me . So tonight was a cookie baking marathon . I find that I cannot bake DH cookies and not make some for the boy - os . They protest loudly now that they know I can make cookies . The last batch of macaroons is in the oven as I type . Squeaky is mad about the oatmeal cookies . I simply did not have enough time to bake all six dozen . Their half went into the fridge as dough . They can bake them . Besides , I made Squeaky 's shish - ka - bobs and pilaf for diner . I shopped for all their favorite foods and snackers earlier . They will not starve or want . I have to wait for the dryer to finish before I can complete my packing . I am always afraid that I will forget something . . . here and there . I ususally take too much stuff too . DH will work on Friday , so I 'll have the run of his home to myself . I enjoy that . I 'll probably go out for a walk if it does not rain there . I can get some writing done that I have not had time to do . Maybe a long hot soak in the tub free from phones and kids . We have the same taste in music , so I have tons of that there too and a great sound system . It really is like a vacation for me when I go there . I still have stuff to do yet . I 'd like to say that I am usually more organized than this . . . but I 'm not . My plans tend to be thwarted by my brood . Squeaky 's clothes were in the washer when I went to do mine . Things like that happen . But I am excited and won 't sleep worth a darn anyway . Hey does anyone else have yahoo ? My mail has been freaking out . I keep getting delayed emails . I just got one that DH sent last Monday . How weird is that ? Does anyone know how to fix it ? Is it my mail or is it his computer ? I don 't know . Sometimes I am too nice . Its been a problem over the years . The truth is that I don 't like to hurt people 's feelings and I do like to help when I can . Goodness knows that I have been helped enough times in my life that payback of some sort is due . But there have been times when helping has turned sour . There was a young single mom who lived across the fence from me in a nearly identical apartment building to my own . We stared into each other 's window . She had a boy who was Boo 's age at the time … 6 . The Bear was bran spanking new . It was not uncommon for the moms in our complexes to trade babysitting time . So when this woman came to me and asked me to watch her son so that she could apply for a job , I said certainly I would . X was out of town for three weeks on a job several hours away . We did not have a phone at the time , nor did I have a car while he was gone . Not a big deal . We were just a few blocks from the market and anything else I thought I might need . In a pinch I could walk to the phone booth at the corner and call one of my relatives or friends if something went wrong . The day arrived that I was supposed to watch Slick , as the boy was called . The mom showed up , looking very nervous . Interview jitters , I thought and waved her off . Slick slipped past me to sit on the floor next to Boo and was lost in the world of Ninja Turtles . Bear slept soundly in her bassinette . When I turned around , Slick was still in his coat , with a big scarf wrapped around his head and neck that would have made Dr . Who envious . This was in Fresno , where we might have had a bit of fog that morning , but it was no where close to freezing or even particularly cold . " Slick , why don 't you take those off … you must be overheating . " The boy shook his head and did not say a word . Slick was a normally quiet boy . I turned my attention to the dishes . After a time , he was still sitting there all bundled up . I walked over and tugged at his coat . He allowed me to remove it , but when I tried to unwind the scarf , he held on tight . Odd . I insisted , my mom senses were tingling . Slick looked up at me with very sad eyes . " Did your mom tell you not to take the scarf off ? " I asked as casually as possible , not to let my anger show . It was unlikely this boy 's fault . He nodded . His cheeks were so swollen that they vanished down his neck into his shirt . I knew from past experience what caused that … mumps . There was not a darned thing that I could do about it . I felt his feverish head . I made him stand on the scale and gave him the appropriate dose of children 's fever reducer , then made him comfortable on the sofa . None of my children ever had the mumps . They had all been religiously vaccinated . I was not worried for them . I was worried for myself . I 'd never had the mumps , but my brother had . When Slick 's mother returned , I complained . She said , well she thought he looked funny , but thought it was just a bug . Who sends a child with a " bug " into the home of a new born ? Someone desperate to get a job , I suppose . I hoped that I would get lucky and escape . For a few weeks it looked as if I had . Then one of the guys where X worked stopped by to say the job was going over an extra week . We were getting short on money , but I could stretch things by making bread . I spent Bear 's afternoon nap making bread for the week . By the time she woke up , my head was killing me . By the next morning I looked like I was sporting Jabba the Hut 's head and could not turn my head in either direction . Feeling ill does not come close to the feeling I had . Wishing I 'd just die and get it over with does . X would not be home for at lease four days . There was no way on earth that I could pack the baby up in the stroller and head for the pay phone a block away . I was seriously considering using Bear 's Huggies to keep from having to get off the couch and visit the bathroom . I thought … surely someone will come by . Not a soul . For three days Boo took care of me and his tiny sister . He mixed formula like a pro , fed and burped her , changed her and all with no complaint . I did not feel much like eating , but he made and fed me luke warm soup from the microwave … I did not want him to burn himself if it spilled . The fourth day , a friend showed up . I had promised to baby sit for their anniversary that evening . Kathy had come by to make sure it would be alright to drop her sons off a bit early . She took one look at me and said " Oh my god ! " All I could do was cry , I was so glad to see her because I knew that I could now die and my children would survive . She spent her anniversary taking care of me and my kids , while her husband babysat their own . When X returned the next day , I hardly noticed , except for his ranting and raving about how mad he was at Slick 's mom making my head hurt even more . I tried to thank Kathy before she left , but she insisted that she had been thrilled to be able to play with a girl baby for a few days and waved it off . The following work week she showed up every morning to take over when X left until I was well enough to take care of my family again . So sometimes I am too nice . I get that . But on the other hand , if I had not been a nice person and traded babysitting with Kathy , who would have shown up to help me ? That is the thing about payback for kindness . It is not on time , but it is certainly timely when needed . I guess its not so bad being too nice . You can argue that I never would have gotten sick if I had said no and you would likely be correct . But then again , maybe I would have gotten another illness off a shopping cart handle when I rubbed my eyes . You never know when you will need help . Best to keep that kindness bank full … and always , be thankful . Okay . Short post . . . hurried post . Yesterday was fun . M got into town about half an hour before I got off work . I gave him the twenty minute tour . We had a beer and sat around his room talking . Then we had a nice diner at a little place across the river . I went home for the night . This morning we had breakfast together , then said good bye . He 's off for Nevada by now . I had a great time . When I got home , my oldest son was missing . The saga began while I was on my date . Bear called to ask if I had heard from Boo . He 'd had a flat and no one knew where he was . They could find the car . . . but no son . So when I got home from my date , there was a son to be found and much excitement . So while our keystone kop bunch ran around with their coats flapping in the wind , Boo walked all the way home . I think DH 's computer has gone insane . Last night he was sending emails around 10 : 00 PM that did not arrive until 5 : 38AM . You could see the time stamp from when they were sent . It was like they were suspended somewhere . Very odd . Well there you have it . My odd mutterings for the day . I am tuckered out . . . and I still have to go teach children and pretend to know what I am doing . Wow . What a perfect song for this post . Funny how I got it too . This morning when I was considering what I wanted to do with today 's post , I went brain dead . So I emailed DH and said . . . don 't think . . . just tell me the first song that pops into your head . This was it . Its funny because I did not know what I was going to write about yet . I was going to use whatever song he gave me as a prompt . Nor did I look at his email until I knew what I was going to write about . It turned out to be so perfect ! Date one was with a very nice man . When he arrived . . . half an hour early , I was just stepping out of the shower . Max taps on the door and tells me there 's an oopaloompa at the door . Max was wrong , he wasn 't blue . We went to see Extraordinary Measures with Harrison Ford and Brandon Frasier . It was a good movie . . . made me cry of course . Pizza . Nice drive after . Bear texted me during the movie to see if I was hacked up and neatly packed in glad bags yet . I made it home in one piece . Today 's date ( Sunday ) arrived an hour and a half early . I am seeing a trend here . I am an exactly on time person . X 's family can 't tell time and are up to two hours late . Used to drive me bonkers . This one I told to hold tight , I was no where near ready . We met for lunch . The conversation was good . He was nice , a bit older than me , but not too much . We talked in the restaurant for a long time . Then I took him on a tour of the town . . . which took about 20 minutes because I drove slowly . Then we sat next to his car and talked a lot longer . Sigh . Sweet man . Owns a lot of property , nice cars and three homes . But I am not looking for sugar toppings . The problem with dating is me , I think . I know in my head what I want . I know when I see someone and talk to them for a bit if it will work for me . I have settled in the past . I am too old to settle now . I know that I am no fantastic glorious pie in the sky catch . I 'm also not looking for a perfect person . I still want the right one . Better alone than sorry . . . and I know me . And so , as the song says . . . I know what price I am willing or not willing to pay . Unfortunately , the price this weekend was telling two very nice men that I was not interested . I hate that part . I feel guilty that they have spent money , time and effort on me . But I owe them the truth . On the flip side , I expect to be told in person at the time if its not going to work for them too . I enter this with no expectations , other than to see what there is to see . I prefer honesty . I am not offended by it . I do not give my heart away easily anymore . I learned that lesson a long , long time ago . . . and tried for too many years to make the best of a unwise situation . The first one listened to me , then said " Well can we at least go out some more ? Maybe you 'll change your mind . " I had to say no . But he took it fairly well . I slept okay . The second one did not . He looked offended , sounded offended and left in a huff . I feel like scum ! Crap . But there 's the price . I cannot please anyone until I can please myself on this issue . That may be cold , I don 't know . I tell myself that it would only become harder to do and more awful if they are allowed time to get invested . I am not pulting either of them . It just didn 't work out . . . time for them to find a new pond . So it goes . Two less frogs . There you have it . I 'm still motoring . Meanwhile . . . train two has left the station . It sounds like he may land stop here by mid - week . I 'm really looking forward to this meeting . One way or another it will end well . . . we are already friends anyway if nothing more happens and that is fine with me . The only thing that can really go wrong is if the two trains collide and arrive at the same time . Cross your fingers . I 'm not even going to think about what happens beyond that . There is no point until you know . Both teams did a heck of a job playing . Best game I have seen all season . Vikings played well and it could have gone either way . My hat is tipped to both . Please take note : It does not matter if you are pro - war or anti - war . These men deserve our respect . It 's not about the war . Its about pride , honor and service . The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut . It was an honor for him . He told me that , although he didn 't know the soldier , he had delivered the news of his death to the soldier 's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days . I turned back to him , extended my hand , and said , Thank you , Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do . Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom . " Ladies and gentlemen , I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family . I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier . We will then turn off the seat belt sign . " Very soon , you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday . The reason ? Americans who support our troops used to be called the " silent majority . " We are no longer silent , and are voicing our love for God , country and home in record breaking numbers . We are not organized , boisterous or overbearing . Many Americans , like you , me and all our friends , simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops . Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday . . . and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home , sending a deafening message that . . . Every red - blooded American who supports our men and women afar , will wear something red . The first thing a soldier says when asked " What can we do to make things better for you ? " is . " We need your support and your prayers . " Let 's get the word out and lead with class and dignity , by example , and wear something red every Friday . What a great day . I got my car back at long , long last . I cannot tell you how great it feels to drive after dark and be able to use my headlights , wipers and the defroster all at the same time without worry that I will not make it home before the battery gives out . As far as I am concerned , the mechanic who fixed it is an angel for certain . . . so thanks Mark . It was even a good day at work today . But then , everyone is generally in high spirits on Fridays . I am writing this on Friday night . . . late . The kids were good . Our special ed teacher was gone for the day and a fun sub was there to take her place . A few minor confusions , but nothing that anyone needed to get upset about happened . That is a good day in my opinion . I didn 't make any children cry today . Instead , they were all angels . With my own car back , I did not have to play Bullwinkle to Rocket J . Squirrel , who has been very nice to me . You know there is nothing like independence . Still . . . here 's to Rocket J . Squirrel , yet another angel of sorts . My gratitude is in the right place . Thank you sir ! Train A has left the depot . Had a good chat with him before departure . Train B has yet to depart . Granted they are going via different routes and each has others to see on their journeys . I am a stop on the way up or the way down . Oddly enough both are headed for the same point north as well as departing from the same southern location . What are the odds of that ? Still with different departures , it 's my hope that the time lines will not meet here . What a pickle that would be ! I do not know if they are angels or not . Right now they are only frogs . Meanwhile , DH abides . I 'll be going there next weekend . . . and Superbowl weekend for certain . I 'm thinking I 'd like to make boudin ( pronounced boo dan ) and dirty rice for the occation . Ever had either ? I bet at least Cube knows what I am talking about . . . maybe secret agent woman too . Good stuffs ! I grew up part of the boys . I played hard ball , football ( tackle , much to my mother 's dismay and my father 's mirth ) , Combat , and a rather violent form of kick the can that involved shoving and tackling . My neighborhood was predominately Catholic at a time when the rhythm method was the birth control of choice , so there was never a shortage of children . Unfortunately for me , most of them were boys or older and younger than me if female . As per the custom in our house , the older sibling was responsible for the younger . My poor brother , only a year and a half older than me was elected to be my caretaker . His friends were pretty good sports about it because I was not a cry baby . I was able to play rough and give as well as get . This did little to prepare me for dating . You 'd think that I would know how to talk to boys and have nothing at all to fear from them . But a funny thing happened when my brother went to junior high school and he and his friends discovered girls . I was dropped from their activities like a hot potato . I spent a year in limbo , having only girls to hang out with from school . But they did girly stuff . . . took dance lessons , went to charm school and talked about boys as boyfriends endlessly . Yech . If a boy had dared to kiss me at that point , I 'd have slugged him hard enough to rattle his back teeth . A new girl moved in within a block of me the year we began junior high . Let 's call her Euglena . She was the only child of much older parents that I was used to seeing . We happened to have the same exact birthday . . . born in the same hospital and within an hour of each other . Her parents were nice and treated me very well . Bithdays were spent every year at the Ice Capades and a fancy diner after . I got to go on trips and out to do fun things . It was a way to keep Euglena happy with company . Worked well for me too . They worked for an organization that takes in troubled boys , saves them from time in juvy and returns them to their parents as changed fellows . ( Yeah . . . right ! ) Euglena was crawling in bad boys turned Christians . Hey , you do what you have to do to escape incarseration and you are thankful . They were everywhere that we were . Euglena had charm and selfesteem to beat the band . I was the awkward second . The bad boys would flirt with me and I went instantly stupid . . . no clue what to say or how to act . I giggled . Euglena and parents were intent on getting me hooked up with one of the boys so that Euglena and I could double date . Safety in numbers you know . One day Euglena informs me that we are double dating and I have a blind date with B . Oh my god . . . B ! Yikes . . . only the most drooled over guy in church . He was a good three years older than me . . . a high school guy . Handsome and somewhat stuck on himself . Looking back now I wonder what huge favor the guy owed them or what bribery it took for him to consent to this date . Saturday afternoon we were supposed to go ice skating with Euglena and her current love interest . Now my folks had a rule , no boys over a year older than us could date us . So I kept my trap shut and only admitted to ice skating . They picked me up . Euglena 's fellow was driving and I was placed in the back seat with an uncomfortable looking B , both of us hugging our respective doors and gazing out the windows to avoid looking at each other . This was just past Christmas and I was wearing the new pant suit my mother had given me as a present . I 'd never worn it or one before or let me tell you . . . since . It was very girly . . . gag a maggot . I 'd have been much more comfortable in my levi 's and one of my brother 's jerseys . I 'd allowed Euglena and her mother to put make up on my face . . . another huge no - no in my family for girls my age . I could not have been less at ease . We got to our destination . . . the ice skating rink out in a par of town that I was not allowed to see or be in . Once inside , the others put on their skates quickly and hit the ice while I was still trying to figure out how you laced the damned things . I could roller skate backwards as easily as forwards and was trying to convince myself that ice skates must be similar . Finally I wobbled onto the ice and took some careful strides into the traffic . Dorthy Hammel had nothing to fear from my lack of talent . B passed me twice , doing turns and twirls , showing off I suppose , though unlikely for me . For anyone who wanted to admire him . On the third pass , he grabbed my hand and drug me along . I tried to smile and keep up , one arm milling around to keep me upright . A more graceless being was not in the rink that day . Somewhere soon after , we took a sharp turn to avoid some slower skaters with common sense and I lost contact with B 's hand . . . the only thing between me and the bane of my dating years . Arms flailing and no control what so ever . . . I crashed into the side of the rink and did the splits on my trip to the ice . A nice older couple stopped to help me to my shaky feet . I felt a draft of cold air and unwilling to check it out there and then , I wobbled to the side of the rink and into the girls restroom . As a young child just starting school , my mother lined up her brood every morning as we were about to leave the house for inspection . Now my mother was a bit of a fanatic about her children and how they presented themselves . I do not know which child it was that had decided one day to skip underwear , but someone had who was older than me . So inspection included a check for underwear . . . and to be sure it was clean underwear . It was an odd and unsettling event each school day , but we always did as she asked and showed her our panties . I assure you she was not a pervert , just unwilling to take a chance that we would be found without them . At least she took our word on weather they were clean or not , but she did ask . Let me tell you , I silently thanked my mother for that odd ritual that day in the rink . My pants were split from one inner knee to the other inner knee . . . leaving me with a very weird " chaps " sort of effect , with my clean and lovely pink panties with the eyelet lace trim wide open for viewing . Heaven only knows how many people had viewed them on the way into the restroom . Well , I was mortified beyond my ability to deal with that situation . I sat in a stall until Euglena arrived to see if I was okay . NO . But at least she had some sort of solution . We dug into our purses and pockets and bought a bazillion kotex pads from the vending machine for the safety pins that came with them . It was certain that I would not be skating more that day . Safetly pins are not all that safe , as I found out a few times in the miserable hour or two that we remained at the rink . Nor could I even look B in the face . I must have looked very charming that lovely shade of scarlet . At long last the date ended and we got in the car to leave . Originally we were going to go out for diner after , but that was scuttled . I was dropped off and B acted the gentleman and walked me to my door . We mumbled good bye . I 'm sure he was just as glad as I was to be done with the whole awful mess . ( In later years when my folks knew that I was on a date , my dad would watch out the window for my arrival and would flick the porch light on and off rapidly until I was inside the house and my poor date fled . ) I still find dating to be a horrible nerve wracking event . Here I am a grandma with clear understanding of the interactions of men and women . . . and it does not help an iota on a first date . In my head I keep thinking about everything that can go wrong . I also carry a small roll of duct tape in my purse . . . no safety pins required ! But you will not get me on ice skates . I can promise you that . Okay , I think the weird creep issue is taken care of now . No worries . The frogs were less frisky tonight . Good , because I needed a break . I have a date on Saturday with one I have dated before who lives within an hour of travel . A first date with a new one on Sunday . I had fun on the phone with my favorite frog for a bit . Meanwhile the frog trains keep on rolling . . . Two trains on the same track moving toward each other . One travels from the east at a leisurely pace , the other will arrive from the west , only God know when . Both are leaving the same area at the same time but taking different routes . It seems that I have a little math problem . Arrival times for both are unknown as yet . . . but within days . Yikes . I know what happens when trains collide . Someone crashes . I 'm hoping they are more like ships that pass in the night . . . and I don 't end up smashed in the middle . Life in the pond has suddenly become quite complex . Well I wanted more excitement , but honestly , I thought it would be more spread out . Both intend to call when they get in my area on the way to other places and obligations . I am anxious to meet both . The more the merry - o . . . providing its not the same day . They are only dates . . . first dates at that . . . not life commitments . This is calling it close . What a freak of an evening ! After several calm and sedate days , things exploded . I had no time . My oldest son showed up for a visit . I had two marathon phone calls ( two different frogs ) , missed calls , voice mails , emails , texts and two invitations to travel south to meet frogs . I made DH some macaroons . . . goodness only knows when I will have time to deliver them and get some peace . ( Good lord . . . Avoid the obvious pun please ! ) The whole day was a freak . It began with no ride to work . . . my car was in the shop at long last . Called a friend 's son and woke him up , begged a ride . The head librarian showed up to work with me for the day . I made three children cry big wet tears . Worked up library supply orders , book orders and filled out P . O . s . The mechanic called to tell me that my car would not be ready until tomorrow afternoon instead . Begged another ride to the store and then home from Rocket J . Squirrel . . . my friend 's son who is a whole different trip himself . I have been baking , yakking on the phone and even chatting on line for time with two . I am exhausted . Nights like this in the pond are very rare . Is there a full moon or something ? But the truly eerie part of my day arrived via an email at my work . I have a secret admirer . . . yeah , right . It 's the same one . More bizarre than any I can recall . This is the one who likes to write my name on its parts . . . and email me photos . I 'm sure that I mentioned it before and really , I did laugh it off . But that was on my personal email . Not my work email . How did it get my work email ? It says it has seen me on my myspace . Well all it can really see are my feet on that site . That is the only photo of me there . My feet ! How does it know my feet ? It says that it knows me , and misses me . It says it wants me to look at the photos of its parts with my name on them and guess who it is , then I can approach it . . . because it is shy . To get to my work email you must know my entire name . . . first and last . When this happened on my personal email I was a bit unnerved . I did not look at the photos . Yes , I have pin feathers and I cluck . If it knows me and misses me , then it can 't have seen me for a bit , right ? How long is a bit ? From where does it know me ? Worse yet . . . would I know the parts ? Is that how I am supposed to guess who ? I don 't exactly know many parts . . . if you get my drift . How do I deal with this one ? Any ideas ? My father was an interesting dad . One of the things he did that drove my mother insane was to sit down when we are all watching TV and open up an encyclopedia . He would read quietly for a time , then impart some interesting fact he 'd found . I loved it . I am sure that this is the reason that I developed a love of learning for fun . One thing that made my siblings groan were our trips to historical places . We spent most weekends traveling up and down California seeing what there was to see . Much of this time was spent on the gold highway . Like it or not , historical education with my father was a required course in our family . Few events could get you out of these outings . He believed that we needed to know our history to understand the present and possible futures . Likewise we were also assigned reading material to be discussed after finishing the books he selected . But that is another matter . It was not the most comfortable travel , which is the major reason they groaned , but also because they would rather be hanging out with friends . By this time I was in junior high and they were both in high school . The two oldest sisters were off and married . The three of us teens were jammed in the rear seat of a 1965 Mustang . I do not know what my brother and the Medusa were grumpped over because I was the one stuck in the middle . If you know vintage Mustangs , you understand . The rear seat rests on the drive shaft in the middle . I had about two inches of padding under my rump that topped what amounted to a steel pipe . My legs had to straddle the " hump " of the drive shaft on either side , which led to foot fights for space . In the end I often laid my legs down the hump to rest just to the rear of the shifter . Meanwhile my butt went numb . I was always happy to reach some site and jump out of the car if for no other reason than to get the feeling in my fanny back . One time he was on his way home from a race . My dad was pulling the race car behind on the trailer . I cannot recall what track he had been on , but they swung by Santa Cruz to pick me up from a month of bad behavior with my funch bunch . I squeezed into the middle of the rear seat … myself in my first year of high school now and the Medusa in college , my senior brother a football back . My legs drifted down that hump to rest against the shift . Some fool opted to cut my dad off . Two things happened in rapid succession . First , my father grabbed my foot and shifted . Well that didn 't work out well ! Then my father , who never uttered a swear word in my hearing in my entire life said some very shocking words . All of the occupants of the car dropped their chins in disbelief while I reeled my legs back into the back seat . He deftly steered the car and trailer off the side of the road , escaping disaster by inches . The car sat there in silence for many minutes . No one would have dared to say a word . Not even my mother , who was queen of the world in dad 's eyes . We may have been an hour down the road before anyone tried to speak … and then it was my father , who apologized for his behavior . I admired that . All my life my father had chosen his curses carefully . There was " dad gum it , dog gone it , for the love of Pete " ( Who was Pete that we did things for the love of him ? ) and my favorite , " cheese and rice ! " Now that we are all adults , I do hear him swear like he was born to it . But not then . I was shocked despite my own colorful language use at the point in time . Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that he did not even know those words . My father believed in educating his children himself . Some day I tell you how he taught me to drink . Ha . Or how he taught me to drive … very entertaining , both . C4C was a participant in the drinking training . Not to worry , her folks had a similar attitude . Kind of like the plan to keep me from smoking on street corners . Sometimes our plans backfire . Enough said . It 's shocking when we realize that our parents are human like the rest of us . If I had been another person , I might have thought worse of my father . Instead , I found his being human being with all their flaws a comfort of sorts . That perhaps I had this thing in common with a man that I had previously felt was so far above me that I could never manage to measure up to his level of quality . Yes , it did open my eyes a bit , but not at all in a bad way . In a very odd way , it made us more equal and gave me permission to be human too . As I have said before , I was the last of five children . Both of my parents worked at a time when most moms were still on site . My mom tired to make it home before me , but that did not often work out . All I had to do was let myself into the back yard , pat the slobbering basset and get the key off the back porch . Even when my mom did make it home , she was generally tired and took a nap before making a big family diner . We had a system of sorts that made the older children responsible for the younger ones . The older you were the more power you had over those below . But the younger you were , the less responsibility you had . The system worked . All of us girls … four of us … looked after my brother . We cleaned his room , did his laundry and if he was hungry , we fed him stuff . He was responsible for the yard work , unless he was in training for whatever sport he was playing . Then that became girls work too . Clearly he was the prince . But he was a good brother too . I have no complaint about him . The worst thing about being the last of five is that my parents were tired and busy . When I would whine about wanting to learn this or that , my father hired someone . Art lessons , music lessons ( I was awful at music ! ) , YWCA , Red Cross swimming lessons . Or there were the do it yourself lessons . My dad was fond of that vein . So when I looked at my older sisters … who all three had matching Hercules 3 - speeds and my brother with his goose neck bike , I whined that I wanted a bike . I wanted to learn how to ride one . I knew how that was done . You got on a bike and your dad ran along next to you until you could cruise away on your own . My dad said … " There are three girls ' bikes out in the trash yard doing nothing . Use one of those . " I looked at them , laying in a tangle half leaned against the trash yard fence . All the tires were flat . I reported back the bad news . He handed me a tire patch kit and told me to use the air compressor . They were full of cobwebs so I picked one and gave it a bath . I lucked out when the tires stayed up after adding air . Back I went into the house to report that the bike and I were now both ready for the lesson . My dad lowered his paper and looked at me . " Well , go figure it out . " He said , snapping his paper back open and getting back to the news . It took me all day to get to the point where I could stand up and pedal . I had to stand up . The seat was too high . I fell down fairly often , but was good at laying the bike down as I went to minimize damage . Then came the magic moment when I not only wobbled along , but got to speed up . I was flying ! The first corner was scary , but I managed to get around it with only minor correction . I flew down the back side of the block with the wind tossing my hair . I was congratulating myself on learning how to ride in just a day , when Mrs . Wynn walked out her door and stood at the corner , waiting for traffic to clear on Whison … one of our busiest streets . Mentally I willed the cars to vanish and urged Mrs . Wynn to get a hustle going . The cars continued and the old gal didn 't budge . Crap ! I gripped the hand brakes and squeezed for all I was worth , teeth gritted and bared . Nothing . It had never occurred to me to check the hand brakes . Never . I hadn 't really needed them when all I was doing was starting and falling down . Well shoot … time for a quick prayer before impact . Miracles do happen . It felt like one when the traffic cleared and Mrs . Wynn stepped off the curb . I jerked the handlebars left and whizzed around the corner , safe . This was the short end of the block . I stopped pedaling and cruised , navigated the last corner and continued to slow as I did the last long side of the block toward home . When I got to my house , I let the hill of grass in front slow me more … jumped off sideways and hit the ground running . The bike fell on its side and the rear wheel continued to spin , as I caught my breath and silently thanked God that I 'd made it back safe . I reported my progress to my old man . My mother beside him said " George , get those brakes fixed tomorrow . " My father nodded and went back to his paper with a sigh . Satisfied , because my father always did what my mother said , I began the climb to my room up the stairs . " Rebecca … " My dad peered at me over the top of his paper . " I better not find that bike lying on the lawn . " I tromped back down the stairs and opened the door . " You can bring it up on the porch , but don 't leave it where someone will fall over it . " I nodded and he stopped me again . " I 'll make you a deal . You get straight ' A 's on your summer school report card and I will buy you any bran new bike you want . " My dad had a way of making me work hard at things . Teaching myself to ride the bike was not a bad thing . I developed confidence and found out the value of being tenacious . Using it to motivate me in school was a master stroke . I was a very stubborn child . I did get all A s on my report card that year . I lost my report card on the way home from the last day of summer school . I cried when I got home and told my mom I 'd lost it and dad would never believe me . Okay , so he didn 't automatically believe me , but he called the principal who gave him the good news and he came immediately home , taking time off from work to keep his word . Summer school ended at noon . By 2 : 00 I had my bike and it was beautiful . " I don 't ever want to see it laying on the lawn and you keep it clean or you 'll lose it . " He told me as we pulled into the driveway . That bike sparkled until I gave it away when I started high school . I used to think at the time that he was mean as dads went . Not big on affection . But looking back I see he made his choices with me according to my personality and what worked on that stubborn kid . I think he did alright . He certainly fed my dreams and helped me to become strong enough to handle what life has thrown my way . Crosby Stills & Nash - Teach Your Children Crosby Stills & Nash - Teach Your Children 1977 Posted by We love Mexican food . That California thing that infects our lives . I grew up with it . . . Bear is married to it via the original " green bean " in our lives . My grandson the newest " green bean " dips his straw into the hot sauce to drink it . I tried like the dickens to show you how large my margarita was ! This is " Raptor Jesus " according to Squeaky , who . . . after I took this photo to prove how huge this monster drink was . . . commented that dinosaurs come in varying sizes . Okay , so that did not work . This is my last effort to prove its size . That is a normal table knife and glass of water . 30 oz . of margarita ! Need I say more ? If so , I 'm out of ideas . But it was a big fecking drink and I felt pretty darned good by the time I left . It was a day worth celebrating . I can think of no better way . . . okay I might be lying about that . . . than to be with family I love and have a good time . I got a new phone that works , a land line with unlimited minutes , better internet , paid some bills that were in need to be paid , added to my savings , got my own battery charger . . . that told me that my battery was dead as a doornail . . . and spent time with people that I enjoy and love . Progress is a good thing . Fun is also a great thing . That I had . Spent some time with DH on line . Talked to my favorite frog twice . Batted back some emails from other frogs . All my boy - os showed up to visit tonight as well . Now I am on the edge of a 3 day weekend . . . with Monday paid . I have some plans that are not exactly interesting , but should prove to give me some satisfaction . . . housework , laundry , and cleaning up the newest mess that the smelly dog made on the porch . May as well get those things done while I have time and no transportation . On Monday I have promised to join two lunitics from my work in their maddness to exercise . They have joined some " Biggest Loser " deal in the area . I am not joining , but I will exercise with them and we will be each other 's trainers . Then I will sit down and write a bit of more serious stuff . I have not done that in some time now , as you may have noticed . Time to get back to that . So look for much more entertaining stuff tomorrow . |
You want to be an angel ? Okay , but I will try to get back to the scene to the heavens where Jim Henson is and the angel tells him what is happening even though it is getting dark like the Earth is . That will be coming up on Chapter 14 . It was not a stormy and rainy day at Fraggle Rock . That morning , Gobo woke up from his bunk and quietly walk out of their cave , careful not to wake up Wembley , since he was asleep . He walked through the quiet tunnels until he stopped at Doc 's old workshop , which was now vacant and empty . In his very own eyes was a small pack of letters , which were in a bag . Some of them were not sealed in envelopes , but other letters were sealed already . Not only letters , but postcards too . Were they from Uncle Matt ? No ! He already came home to Fraggle Rock to stay there for a few days . They must be from the silly creatures . So , you looked at a letter that was not sealed in an envelope . Died ? That 's what scared Gobo the most ! Death ! It happened at his home before . Wembley lost his friend , Mudwell , the mudbunny , even though now he accepts that death is the part of life . Even the ditzies almost died completely , because there was no music , which put into everyone into darkness and even fell asleep . So , the ditzies light their caves , because the music makes them live . Now , Gobo didn 't know what to do . He had a feeling this day would come . Would he show the letters to his friends right now ? No ! Then he snapped his fingers . Then , he carefully took the bag of letters , however it wasn 't too heavy . He quietly and quickly went through the tunnels to find the World Oldest Fraggle . Once , he found him and woke him up , he told him that he found the letters from " Outer Space " and to have a Fraggle meeting . Right after the meeting , he and his friends looked and read through the letters . Not only was it a sad day . They knew what to do now . After they had a talk with their friends , Cotterpin , Wrench , and Junior Gorg , Red and Mokey went to their cave to have a talk about him , Gobo and Wembley went to their cave room and Boober well … he might as well go to Red & Mokey 's cave for a while to have a talk with Mokey and Red until he decides to go back into his own cave room . That night , Gobo and Red wanted to have a heart to heart talk . They have been friends so far for 7 to 8 years . But now , their home was so quiet and nobody was stirring ; not even a Doozer or Red 's best friend , Cotterpin . " What happened to him just happened , " Gobo said while Red still didn 't understand how he died . " Death becomes tragic at the Rock , but for Henson , it was mournful for everyone . at " Outer Space . " " I can 't help it , Gobo , " Red said feeling so sad she could barely say anything that made her so upset . " I know it 's unfraggley to cry , but he was our best friend . He didn 't even say goodbye . " Poor Red ! She was so unhappy that maybe she could lose her energetic ability and maybe her competiveness . Although there were some tunnels that were light and others that were dark , they decided to head to the Gorg 's garden quietly and sit on a rock . There they saw a moon , but it was not a full moon . Maybe , the universe has a half or a quarter moon . Although the night was so peaceful , Gobo was thinking about the moon . " Wembley , Mokey , and Boober should have been out here . " Gobo said . " The Gorg 's are asleep , the Doozer are in their homes asleep , but I am not tired and neither are you , Red ? " " Oh , Junior gave us some radishes right after we had a talk with him . " Gobo said quietly . " I knew that his " Pa " wouldn 't believe about Jim 's passing at first , but I 'm glad they took care of him . " " One night , when Wembley and I were sharing our dreams , we dreamt about being on a Gorg moon . It is silly , but that 's what we dreamed about . Then , he realized there was going to be a day where he was going to make up his mind , but then again that must have been our fantasy . " After the song , they knew that once they made peace with the Gorgs and finally understood one another , well without the Trash Heap 's magic , the Rock was no longer in danger for years to come . Now with their fearless leader gone , the sad news not only spread through the Rock , but also to the universe and the Gorgs . Even the Doozers in the Rock heard about it . Cotterpin ? Yes ! She remembered the first Fraggle she ever met was Red when she wanted to be a Fraggle instead of being a Doozer . The point was she was a Doozer , but a creative one . She was never born to build , but to be a drawer instead . She sort of remembered that when the great radish famine occurred , all groups were affected with no radishes at all . Nothing ! Zero ! When the Doozers started blaming the Fraggles or were against them , she knew that sooner or later she would have to stand up or even maybe become friends with Fraggles . Cotterpin believed that Fraggles were " noble , intelligent , and dependable " on their special needs even when eating Doozer constructions made out of radishes . Besides , Fraggles love radishes , and so do the Gorgs . Without radishes , then what would they eat instead ? What would the Doozers do without building ? They tried knitting , but they didn 't want to use a ball of yarn or needles of thread , and besides Doozers never like to wear itchy sweaters . The next day , there was no new letters or postcards and the day was normal at Fraggle Rock . The day after that , same as always and no signs of anything by letter or postcard . And the day after that , still nothing much , but Gobo wondered why there wasn 't much news of what 's happening after their creative leader was gone . However , before he went back to his cave room , he noticed that his Uncle Matt was about to leave . He felt something wasn 't right . They have explored together ever since he was young . Although , Matt Fraggle was clumsy and bumps into things , his nephew always helped him whenever he needed it . Once he was done exploring and wanted to go to another world , it was Gobo 's turn to follow his uncle 's footsteps and find unexplored caves that Matt has never been to . After he tied his shoes , he unfortunately fell . His shoelaces weren 't tied right , and Gobo had to help him with those shoelaces . Uncle Matt was grateful with his nephew 's help , but still he wanted to go back to " Outer Space " so fast that maybe he forgot to say goodbye . He remembered the last time he tried to tie his shoes and tripped so badly that he laughed at him in a sarcastic kind of way . Gobo did apologized to his uncle for giving him a hard time plus having a heated argument . Gobo now understood that Uncle Matt did return the day before he heard that their leader was gone . Their leader was now at another world . A world filled with peace , perfect harmony , and now forming new friendship and old friends that he lost from the other world . He still couldn 't understand the reason why he created their place and then left without saying goodbye . He sadly went back to his and Wembley 's cave room . Wembley wasn 't there ! Gobo probably figured that Wembley was looking for him . " I don 't know what he really was , Wembley , but he was like … a wish granting creature so we could tell him what our wishes were at the Rock . We wanted peace with the Gorgs , make a friend with a Doozer , and makes friends with a silly creature . Those wishes were true . I don 't understand why he left us . I feel so confused ! We told him not to leave the magic , but maybe … he did . What 's wrong with me , Wembley ? I 'm not as brave as I used to be . " Gobo was calm now after having a talk with Wembley . They have been friends and roommates for a long time ever since his Uncle went to " Outer Space . " for the first time . Now , Wembley didn 't wemble as much and maybe someday will decide to be decisive himself . So , they would friends til ' the end . For the rest of the day , Gobo shook of those thoughts about the leader and started having fun with his friends again . The next day , Gobo went to Outer Space of an old vacant workshop one last time and there was something , but it was only one letter . He had it show to everyone ! When the letter was finally opened it said that they were invited to Jim Henson 's memorial at St . John Memorial in New York on May 21st . The date according to the letter was dated on May 19th . That meant they have to go to Outer Space to find out some information from the silly creature of who their friend really was , and that was when they were going on a dangerous and long journey away from Fraggle Rock . Gobo will never forget that day they found out the sad news . He could not worry about their two different groups . Right now , he was worried about how Uncle Matt was doing back at Fraggle Rock . Now Gobo 's the one in Outer Space while Matt is at the Rock for sure . " Don 't worry , Uncle Matt , " Gobo sighed . " As soon as we pay a tribute to our friend Jim , we will come back to Fraggle Rock . I promised I will be back , but … . when will the time come to be back at home ? I won 't break your promise or my friends ' promises that we would be back at the Rock . " Dominic ? Sorry to bother you , but oh boy what a week . Mom has been ugh you know bossing me around . I have been resting ! Ohhhhh ! They are being so TYPICAL . Why won 't they just leave me ALONE ? Dominic ? Sorry to bother you , but oh boy what a week . Mom has been ugh you know bossing me around . I have been resting ! Ohhhhh ! They are being so TYPICAL . Why won 't they just leave me ALONE ? Click to expand . . . No thank you ! I know what I am doing . Just give me some time to figure out some good ideas . I can handle this myself . Click to expand . . . Okay , now there is no more waiting . The story was lonely unfinished at the top , but now it continues . And please comment ! I don 't mind the criticism ! Back above the clouds into the golden place full of peace , joy , and harmony , Jim did all he could . He already talked to Don Sahlin , showed the celebrities his voices even the Swedish Chef , but he didn 't know what else to do . Then , an angel was behind him . Everybody called her Figgie , but her real name was Allison , but scarcely that name was kept a secret . " Tomorrow your fellow friends will pay a tribute to you , Mr . Henson , " she said to herself . " I know what he wanted down there and what he left all he could do . Peace , laughter , joy , and the harmony he believed on Earth . He is something ! I didn 't know his time was coming , but his health was at risk . " " He was so quiet ! What do I think his friends are called ? Muppets ? I have never ever heard that before at all . Maybe that kind man came with that weird name . The word " weird " is always familiar to everyone . We all dream for peace . Why did I come here ? That 's right ! I suffered from what ? Pneumonia ? No ! I suffered from an awful disease worse than pneumonia . We no longer suffer from the pain anymore and neither does - Jim Henson ? Why all of the sudden did I hear that name from the other angels ? I wonder what it was like for him to work so hard down there . " She knew the message loud and clear . He was a man with dreams full of fantasy or even animals . A frog named Kermit , and then his closer friend , Rowlf the Dog . Swedish chef ? So that 's why she heard the celebrities laughing far away . Not just a kind man , very quiet . " Maybe I will talk to him tomorrow . No ! I should let him be . I live here in peace and so does Jim . I hope his friends are okay . They know he 's gone . If I heard he left some gift , then that shall keep him in peace without going back to Earth as a ghost or something else . Well , whoever 's time is next to come here for peace , they are welcomed young and old and all kinds of creatures . " At New York , life was not normal . It was filled with people with conflicts . War was around at different countries . If Henson were still around , he would have made everything better . It did not matter to anyone who does not know a thing about Muppets . There were selfish , filled with anguish , and whatever they were thinking about . The Muppet fans however were not happy with others that now say that once someone is gone they would cheer like a bunch of crazies . Even Figgie knew it was wrong . When she told her friends that her idol Jim Henson was gone , they would just ignore her , but not her BFFs , Trish , Amy , Dominic , Vincent , and Beth right now . They were her new friends for sure . Would Kermit feel bad if someone didn 't care about Jim or someone was upset that his or her friends didn 't care about Jim or someone famous who was gone ? Absolutely ! He loved kids ! Even the frog had friends . If it were humans , he probably would be really shy . She was glad that she had real friends that cared about her . Not selfish friends or people that don 't care about friendship . There was no way she had a crush on him . She loved the frog . Everyone loved the leader ! Jim loved everyone no matter how he felt . Figgie was also not Piggy , but she loved glamorous clothes . She couldn 't help it . Her idol was gone ! Everything was changing and now people just don 't care ? How could she feel so horrible from hearing Jim 's passing everywhere ? She sadly put her Kermit doll on the desk . Finally , after not being upset for four days , she broke into tears . " I feel like today is like history or is it me in the past . " Figgie thought . " No , I am not in the past and earlier I thought I heard a voice from the sky . The voice sounded like me and - Nah ! I don 't think the voice was the same as mine . Oh well , I better some sleep , but before I go to bed . Maybe singing a song can put me to sleep . " I am a boss , but I never get mean to creatures . " Figgie thought . " I believe those creatures are the boss of themselves . Well , we are the bosses at their " Outer Space . " Ugh ! I never force at them . That would hurt their feelings . " " Why are you here ? " Figgie asked nervously . She knew she never ever saw this girl . But they were both Muppet fans and they cared about the Muppets too no matter what size . " I came here to sleep with you , because I do not want to sleep alone . " Trish said . " I know you don 't know me , but we can be start being friends if you want . " " Well , I had a crush on Kermit when I was younger . But then , I had a crush on either Gobo or Boober after I watched the show . Oh good grief ! You won 't believe that sometimes I think my parents definitely act like Pa and Ma Gorg . " They sure were the bosses , and those Gorgs did scare the daylights out of me . Ugh ! I sometimes try to tell my parents to leave me alone . They wouldn 't and treated me like a child or a powerless Fraggle . " " I know ! When I finally grew up , they stopped , and just let me be . So , I was sort of the boss of myself . I drive myself to places , go anywhere I want , and I even make my own food and for my parents . " Teaching Boober vocabulary was harder than they thought . Colleen and Dominic were acting like best friends again , since they have been spending their time together alone for too long . Amy forgot he was not good at those big words , but Beth knows . Not only was she smart , she always reads books and very good at resources . " Well , um , it 's a disease that is harmful for you , even though you don 't want to get it . " Beth said nervously . She was feeling so nervous that there was now a loss of words . " Okay , what is … uh … well … um … I can 't do it . I simply can 't do it . " Dominic said , with the guilt he felt inside . " I am no good at words much , but I like my friends . Those people out there are a bunch of fools . They don 't know diseases , the word of " quiet " or even someone they lost . All they think death is just nothing and play games . Ugh ! No offense , guys , but I can 't even stand thunderstorms or getting wet . " Dominic said , with his hurtful truth being told . " No , Beth , " Dominic said , with the seriousness from his tone . " I tried to swim once as a young boy , but I almost drowned . Once I get back home , then I will find out what I can do . If you 'll excuse me , I am going to find Vincent . Good night ! " Once Dominic left the room , Colleen left as well to find Dominic . " He 's just being silly , " Colleen thought . " But I don 't blame him that he was scared of something . " While Colleen was thinking about Henson again as she was looking for her " Dom , " he knocked on the door to know if Vincent was available . As they were asleep , they were into from mist to now a land where the background had rocks . They walk to wonder where they were going . Then , they came to a place known as the Great Hall that included the Fraggle horn and a Fraggle pond . This brought back memories for the both of them . However , Red then found something familiar . She was young Fraggle and it was a few days before Gobo 's Uncle Matt went to explore Outer Space . Something else also caught her eyes . That young Fraggle looked sad . Red realized that she did meet Gobo first , then Wembley and Boober . She needed one more friend . A girl fraggle that could guide her , and then maybe comfort her , whenever she is in trouble from someone or even getting herself into danger . The problem was she was really scared of the Gorgs earlier . Red knew how it felt to be scared of those tall hairy mountains . That one day , she did try to get a radish for her friends , but it didn 't work out very well . She was almost " thumped " by a brown mountain . Ugh ! How awful she felt . Now she dreamed that she wished there would be changes , unless it was useless to have changes around the Rock . After the song , back out from the Great Hall , Red now felt the past can be mysterious , but it still lurks out from her or even her friends . That purple lavender fraggle was Mokey . She sure was a quiet one , but they started becoming friends before there were even roommates and got their own cave . Then , they woke up remembering what a dream they had . Although it was in the past , they will never forget the first time they started having friends . Then , they went to their own beds and went to sleep to be up fully rested for the next day . However , what they didn 't know was Wembley , Boober , and Lisa was already asleep in the same room . Meanwhile , Piggy and Kermit were wandering around the streets of New York . No thanks to Piggy , because she did not make reservations earlier for the hotel , karate - chopped Frank Oz for the first time right after finding out that he will not let her be at Jim 's funeral and saying he was too busy than being around with his boss . Piggy felt so sad that she did that . " I 'm serious , but we had a great time for many years . I am going to be busy and I loved being a director . " Frank said . " Yes , Piggy , " Frank said chucking a little . Piggy knew that she did have to forgive him and she did . She forgot that Frank was still thinking about Jim , that was also Kermit 's best friend . Frank was close to Henson just like Piggy formed a bond to the leading frog . Then , they noticed a light in front of an apartment . Kermit wondered who it could be . Then , he heard the barking from the dog inside the place . Then she was surprised . She saw a frog and a pig . She knew they must have a rough day . The dog they knew was Sprocket . He had gray and white with some fearsome breath , but he would never bite Kermit or Miss Piggy . " I am so glad it is not a crook or a stranger . I had an awful day . Kermit and Miss Piggy , I am one of your biggest fans . Yes ! I can 't believe it . " " Oh ! I am from Indiana ! I was in born in California , but my parents and I moved out when I was close to being a five - year old Muppet whatnot . " Because nobody cares about me over here that 's why . They 're crazy pathetic vultures and really terrible . I feel like I am not wanted . " Colette said out loud before crying into her tissue . " You know Jim 's gone Kermit . " Colette started , after done crying . " If he were here , I would never ever be so awfully mistreated . " " No thank you , Miss Piggy . " Colette said . " Here what 's happened earlier , you guys ! First , while I was walking Sprocket , one of my purses was stolen . Then , a man almost kidnapped me . Then , whenever I talk to a stranger , the two words were , " Shut up ! " I know it sounds terrible , but it happened . " " Well , Sprocket saved my life right after some crooks tried to steal my arm band or my shoes . Ugh ! I 'm glad I had a companion . Kermit , you were right ! I can 't talk to you know those strangers . I don 't even know Charles much , but we 're best friends for now . " " Okay , " Colette said , sighing . She would never say no to Miss Piggy . " You both have this couch if you want . So , I see you tomorrow and we can have some more talk , okay ? " Once Colette , the purple Muppet whatnot was out of sight . Kermit now is going to have a serious talk with Miss Piggy . If he wants alone time , he should sleep alone as well no matter what . He understands that he still loves Piggy , but he needs alone time just for one night . That is all he wants . One night only to sleep alone ! He can sleep with Piggy for another time . " I - I know Piggy , but it 's just hard for me not to think about Jim . The last time I saw him was at a hospital . He was not just in . . . A coma , he was really sick . Then , he sniffled , and then continued on with his story . " I - I couldn 't believe it ! He wasn 't getting any better . Before I could see him some more , I . . . I waved at him for " goodbye " before the nurses told me to leave and go back to the waiting room . Scooter was there , but saying goodbye was hard thing to say to Jim . After I left , I knew Jim was gone , Piggy . " " Yeah , Piggy ! " Kermit said quietly . " If Jim lived , we would move on to more projects . I guess the projects he wanted are now not going to happen . " She did let out a sigh and was thinking that might as well give up just for once and let Kermit sleep alone . Kermit now feels glad that he does need to think about his home , Robin , and maybe the friends he met years ago . Both Piggy and Kermit finally were falling asleep right after a long exhausting day . " Oh Charles , doesn 't it seem nice to let Kermit and Piggy stay at my apartment . " Colette said while rubbing Charles shoulders . He was a green Muppet whatnot with blue eyes , short black hair , a white t - shirt and blue jeans with brown sandals . " My dad 's the only human in my family now . He is so tense , Charles . He doesn 't want me to hang out with boys . " " Okay , cool talker ! We have a long day ahead of us . We got to be washed and ready for Jim 's funeral , but I don 't know that guy . " At the swamp , Robin was thinking about Jim as well , because not only was he sometimes silly , he was also a good friend to all kinds of Muppets . He was not alone ! Maggie also knows as " Mags , " noticed something didn 't seem right . Unlike adults , kids don 't understand how Jim was gone . It just happened ! Death can be hard to anyone especially frogs . Maggie couldn 't believe it . Kermit 's nephew was on her brother 's " Lonely Log . " " Why was Rob at that Lonely Log all day ever since we heard of Mr . Henson 's passing ? " Maggie thought . " Last time , Mit said that he had to keep an eye on Jim , right after he and Robin went to Disney World . My brother knew Henson was coming down with something . Before , well , before Mit came down with a headache . " Then , something happened , and then Robin was talking to a star . Was the star Jim ? It could be ! Then , Robin got upset after telling that star to leave him alone . He wanted just his Uncle Kermit . She felt so sorry for that little frog . For Kermit , it was a different story , because whenever he sits there , she loses her sadness for her brother . She was mad at him , and telling them to get over the loss for anyone that passed away . Robin stared at her , and then shook his head . " I miss my Uncle Kermit . " Robin said bitterly . " I know , Rob ! I miss Mit too ! I know you are sad , but he taught us a song to remember just in case anyone was no longer with us . It 's in every one of us " Rob , " Mags said sniffling . " I told to go out somewhere , but I was wrong . Whenever you go out there , everything does remind you of Kermit and Jim , right ? " " Well , since we 're frogs , it is not easy being green . When the right day comes , you and your Uncle Kermit will go out there and continue , but right now , that death that hit my brother really hard … . that was hard for Mit . It was hard for my brother to look after Jim . I hope what Mit is doing is the right thing to do until he has the right time to come back and see us again . Robin nodded and finally got out of the Lonely Log by hugging his sister believing that everything might be okay . He understood his uncle was going through a long grievance for a while . Maybe Kermit found out that once Jim was sick , he knew there would be more bad news than good news . He heard that Kermit did get a headache one day and then , once Jim was gone , that was it . The frog was not in pain , but more like in grief to lose his friend that was also a leader . In the next chapter , Vincent finds out that shutting the door in Dom 's face was a bad idea . He did it by accident and didn 't mean to , ' cause he was too tired to stay much . I will make sure that gets fized . Thank you for your comments . Did you like the Robin scene with Mags ? BTW : I imagine my Maggie would have short brown hair , little nice eyelashes since she is a female forg , and she has a sweet side , but instead of being mad at Mit , she gets worried about her brother . Wondering if he ever comes back . Vincent , I take that back ! I don 't think frogs have eyelashes , but Maggie is supposed to have brown eyes . Oops ! I thought that was confusing . " Well , Robin , remember the other day when you wrote a note to your friend , Jerry . He 's no frog , but I hoped he wants great songs that Jim loved . " Maggie said , while sitting with Robin on a log . " I did hear form Ed , my other brother that a pig is going to be at Henson 's memorial . So , who knows what will happen . I 'm glad you got some sleep , Rob . Plus you 're no longer at Mit 's lonely log either . When , Jim used to come at this swamp when you were younger and I was a young female frog . I called Kermit 's friend , " Jimmy . " Robin laughed when she said , " Jimmy " , but he needed a good laugh once in a while . Maggie was silly back then and she thought calling the man " Jim , " or " James " was too formal . " Even Mit was used to the craziness at a theatre . Jimmy would always come up with crazy ideas for my brother . Before your uncle left , I told him to be careful and come back home safe when he had the time . Then , I kind of saw him getting on a bicycle and he … left . But my Mit will come back . We 're his family , but I didn 't know he had a family out there too . " " When Joe Raposo was gone … Mit was sad and I told him to take it easy . I wasn 't too pushy on my brother at that time . But when I heard that Jim would be next … I knew you had to do something and write a note by telling Jerry to sing your two favorite songs for Mr . Henson . You know what , Rob ? " " I miss Jimmy too ! " Maggie said , with a tear in her eye . " I missed his smile , the times when he was talking to Mit , and the day when he and your friends came to our home and we were told to go to Florida . That was the last time we had fun … and my brother enjoyed it too . Then , Mit … well he had to leave us , because … Jim wants a small talk with him . Then , we knew that Mr . Henson … wouldn 't make it . Oh , Robin , what are we going to do ? " " Well , then , Matt , I heard that your Fraggles friends are at Outer Space . By the way , my name 's Sunny . " the light brown Fraggle said with a small grin . Gobo told his friends that he is going to see the trash heap for advice if it is the right time to go to " Outer Space . " First , he had to go through the Gorg 's Garden . Then , something different was happening to Junior . He wasn 't doing his chores . He was crying . " All wight , bye Fraggle . " Junior said cheerfully . However , he wasn 't glad that he could not play with a Fraggle for a while . He missed Henson too . He sometimes did help him with the gardening and stuff while he was around . He had second thoughts , what if he doesn 't want to go , what if there were silly creatures that act like Gorgs but … Nah ! He didn 't think that would be true . Boober was just being silly or maybe Red was getting in his nerves again . What was he going to do ? " Hello , Madam trash heap , " Gobo started . " I know it has been a long time . I am going to Outer Space with my friends and uh … it will be dangerous . So , the reason is we 're supposed to be at a silly creature 's memorial who was like a father figure to us . " He was relieved and now it was time to tell his friends that this is the right day to go to Outer Space , because they had to pay respect and a tribute to Jim no matter what . However , when he came back there was chaos , but Red and Wembley were having a normal conversation since they didn 't like fighting with friends or being in the middle of them . Red knew she couldn 't take this chaos anymore thanks to Wembley . " Red 's right , " Gobo started . Red was surprised that Gobo was not ignoring or driving her nuts . " We can 't fight like we don 't like each other . Henson wanted all us to be friends with a Gorg , a Doozer , and with a silly creature . I … spoke to the Trash heap and she said , " Go ! " Before we go , remember that , " We cannot leave the magic . " His friends couldn 't believe this . Did the silly creature that was like their father to everyone believed in friendship . They understood that he went to their home for visits . Like Uncle Matt comes to his home for visits . They both traveled , but why he did leave so soon ? As soon as his friends and Wembley was packing up his things , Gobo knew that going to Outer Space means leaving his home and his Uncle . " Remember the time … when I discovered Water Wheel Cavern and the Cavern of the Deceased … the place where Fraggles are buried … I guess that 's where Cantus is . I didn 't know our silly creature was like a father to us . When Henson was gone … a part of us died then . Why did this happen , Uncle Matt ? " Uncle Matt shook his head knowing that his day would come , the time where the silly creatures really want to see them . Maybe make them happy again . He didn 't understand why his nephew Gobo has to go to Outer Space now . This may mean paying respects , and then singing a song to their silly creature up there . So he was responsible for putting the Fraggles , Doozers , and Gorgs into harmony . They didn 't know that , but they knew there was going to one day that there will be no more conflict or even a war . They were both silent while Gobo was packing his belongings . Uncle Matt was glad his friends told him all about how they got along with the Doozers and the Gorgs . It was not easy , but it took a long time to finally be in peace and no longer get caught be Gorgs . " I guess we were being silly , but you were scared at the " face eraser . " " I didn 't know the silly creature does crazy things . What was his name again ? " " Doc , " Gobo answered . " I have visited him a couple times , but I miss him . I wondered what happened to him ? What if we understood each other ? " " Wow Matt ! " Sunny said surprised . " What a story ! I didn 't know you cared about Gobo . We care about everyone . I can 't believe he made a promise to you . " " You 're silly , Matt ! " Sunny said with a smile . " Well , I better get going ! I need to help the others for a welcome back party . " Meanwhile , Colette served Kermit breakfast , which he didn 't mind . Piggy then screamed from the phone she was holding and very excited . " Thank vous Colleen , Bye ! " " Charles , not everyone knows us , those crooks almost took Sprocket and my shoes . And that dog is going too , okay ? Doc will probably be there no matter what , " Colette yelled . " I did Kermit , " Colleen said sadly . " When I heard he was gone , I ran upstairs and cried myself to sleep . I know you are not the only one who lost him . We all feel very sorry for your friend 's loss . " " I 'm coming , " Alison called back to Colleen . She was too busy looking through the dresses that should be right for Piggy . " I have seen all of your movies and the show , my gosh , you were absolutely wonderful . " " Yes , I really did ! You were wonderful out there . That reminds me ! I do have a crush on a boy . His name was Kevin Nickson . Very nice young man and he were sort of like Kermit . " " Yeah ! However , we went to a coffee shop one time and he said we were going out as friends . I told him it was our first date . He was not happy , but he didn 't mind hanging out with me . Then , when we went out , I told him we would have a second date , and then he flat out said , " This is not a date ! " I couldn 't believe it ! That made me love him more until well … one day he had another girlfriend and boy was I mad . " " I know , but your frog 's got a point . He really wants to go back home . I have to go now . I don 't want to keep Colleen waiting any longer . Bye , Piggy ! " There was silence for a few moments , and then she saw Piggy coming downstairs after taking a long time to get dressed . She was wearing a blue dress , with her beautiful hair still up like a hairdo . Her lavender gloves also made her beautiful . The problem was : she hated the heels . Besides , she can only wears those shoes for one day . Trish couldn 't believe this ! She was the one cleaning Oscar , even though he was a grouch that is rotten around everyone . He hated getting clean . He wanted to be messy and all slimy and stuff . Finally , she took Oscar back to Carol Spinney , the man that thanked her for getting him washed . Trish was pleased with Carol , and then she went back to her room , quickly to the bathroom to take a good long shower . She didn 't realize that the clocked read , " 9 : 30A . M . " " No , I had a terrible morning to start with . Colleen left me to wash Oscar . He did smell a little bit better . Then , I came back here to wash myself off . Ugh ! " Trish said , angrily . " I 'm afraid so , " Vincent said yawning . " Dom , I am so sorry that I shut the door in your face . I didn 't know what I was thinking and I don 't understand why Mr . Henson was gone this soon . " " Beth , don 't say that , " Amy said with a serious tone . " Okay , I have been snappy and upset about everything including you and I was wrong , okay ? I never met him ! There is nothing that is okay anymore . Do you want to go now ? " Then , they both saw Fozzie sitting on a chair , probably waiting for his friend Frank . He missed his Froggy friend , Kermit . But he couldn 't believe Jim was gone . He looked at the note that Rowlf wrote . It said , For my gentle - matured pal of mine , which is Jim . I would like you to do my favorite A . A . Mine song , " Cottleston Pie " for me . He said it was his favorite and I kind of joked about it . Good times ! Then , something clicked to his mind . He remembered that Kermit read his Winnie the Pooh books to his nephew Robin not too long ago . So , he started singing to himself without anybody hearing it . " I was thinking about him too . You were a close friend to Kermit and I was closer to Jim . I will sing that song for you , if that 's okay with you . " Piggy looked at the young purple Muppet whatnot . She was no human , but she was just as beautiful as the pig was . They both didn 't say anything much until Piggy couldn 't take the silence anymore . " Yeah , " Colette said , to admit it . " I really trust all of you guys . I don 't know why I drove all the way here to New York . I hope Sprocket 's okay in the backseat . " As they finally got to the church parking lot , she pulled the key off of the ignition of her car , brushed her hair , and then they both got out of the car . Colette then opened the back door to let Sprocket out . As they almost got inside the church , unfortunately she was going to get more upset . A man who was securing the church said that there were no dogs allowed at this time . She was devastated ! This was not her day ! Colette wanted hope , not restriction . She didn 't want to take Sprocket for another walk . Besides , she did not want to get anyone near her again . Not even the strangers that she never spoke to . Ever ! She tried again and told them that this unfamiliar sheepdog is going to be respectful during the memorial service . They finally believed having one dog for this important funeral wouldn 't hurt . As they entered the church , they were oohed and ahhed of how big the church was inside and out . Next , the Henson family came in to figure out if reading a letter from their father was the right thing to do and let all of their fans and the Muppets hear during the service . Then the Muppets came in and told the family that they feel very sorry for Jim 's loss . The family appreciated it and told them good luck . The Fraggles although they were the last group to fit into the Henson family , did the same . However , Mokey was the only one who didn 't know him . All she felt worried about was Sunny . She remembered that one day that the little Fraggle had no parents and she adopted him . First of all , the light brown furry creature was not from the cave fraggle kind . Nobody told him about how Fraggle Rock finally had its peace to end conflict or war . She knew this was all her fault for leaving him back at Fraggle Rock . Down there alone and worried about Mokey . Mokey shook her head and softly cried putting her hands to her eyes . Gobo then put his hand on her her shoulder to comfort her . She had a right to be upset . She didn 't understand why that " silly creature " only came there for visits . It was like Gobo 's Uncle Matt that comes to their home for visits too . So , maybe silly creatures invaded their home , but they knew them really well , what problems they were facing , and the solutions they could come up with . What about Mr . Henson ? Now there was a reason why she didn 't know him . She probably forgot all about him . That was her trouble while being a philosopher and a dreamer and thinking about what world peace could mean for their home and the universe for the Gorgs . Although she didn 't know him , there was one thing Gorgs , Doozers , Fraggles , and silly creatures have in common . Music ! That was probably the thing they always loved . Her little friend , Sunny loved it too . His favorite song was , " Dance you cares away . Worries for another day ! Let the music play Down at Fraggle Rock . " The first time he ever laughed was when he heard stories of Red that she talks and maybe sings in her sleep . He believed she was very silly . Then , one day , he heard that " Jim Henson " died , not only could he not understand what was going on , he was still a very young Fraggle and didn 't even know their silly creature was even " dead . " Then , that one right , he was all alone . He just couldn 't sleep ! He wondered if Mokey was like a mother to him . Then , there was Boober , the Fraggle who doesn 't really like fun and games , but sometimes he does . Sunny at first , didn 't understand him much like he understood Mokey , but he got used to him , when he found out that he had the best nose , but he didn 't mind him being suspicious . Unfortunately , he missed his parents . His mother got sick from the flu or something . His father was more of an explorer . Sunny forgot that Gobo was not the only explorer around . Then , tragedy happened around him . His mother couldn 't live any longer and died . His father however was missing , until he heard that he was caved - in and his colony did the best they could to get his father out of there . When one of them found him , he was already dead . That was how he got lonely until Mokey found him lying on the side of the Fraggle pond . He realized that friendship is what brings Fraggles together no matter what they ended up with . The staff people then made specials seats . The front rows would go the Muppets , Fraggles from Fraggle Rock , and the children . The Fraggles didn 't know those small children were about at least a Fraggle 's height , but they were so adorable in their colorful dresses and suits . Miss Piggy sat with Scooter , the go - pher that was Kermit 's boss , but he didn 't know that Jim was also Kermit 's boos too . Jim didn 't mind the craziness . He was calm and laid - back like Rowlf , but for Kermit there were times when he could not handle the craziness . The last time Jim laughed behind him is when Kermit read one letter and he thought there were supposed to have " 15 tall carrot " , not a parrot . Jim loved that joke and if his friend from their guest star . If Kermit misnamed things , it would make the audience laugh their socks off . Now that laughter just went away . Scooter felt embarrassed ! Since , when did Piggy ever called him " Andrew " instead of " Scooter . " He did the best he could to make sure what songs will be in the funeral . He remembered that he checked his clipboard one more time before he handed the suggestions back to Richard . He understood that was what the boss wanted . Henson wanted colorful images or objects , clothes with good taste , rod butterflies , and most of all Muppets of all kinds . The funeral was about to begin , but before it did , the kids took their last flowers and put them with the other beautiful flowers . Everyone was anticipating for this funeral that nobody would ever forget . All right ! I got off topic ! Sorry ! Before I start on the next Chapter , I could imagine the organ playing right now . I will start off with : Whew ! Now don 't worry , I will have the next Chapter up with clips and stuff maybe Tuesday , because I have job shadowing , an appointment to go to , and studying . Yikes ! Well , I better start working on that chapter right now . Thanks , Dom ! I added Sunny Fraggle , my OC , wanted some more Uncle Matt , Robin and Mags scene , Allsion ( Figgie ) a . k . a Muppet fan to see Kermit & Miss Piggy before he excuses himself that he has to go back home to his family , and Vincent ( that 's you ! ) ( Yep , I got him into character , and he 's right . He does not enjoy his solitude and never likes to slam a door in anyone 's face . ) . Whew ! I would say that is enough information . Next chapter , funeral things with sad and funny songs . Sunny was now alone as he sat by the edge of the Fraggle pond . He now knew that his friends did leave . He looked at the pond , but to his disappointment , it was only his reflection . He missed Mokey and Boober , but he didn 't see Wembley much . He visited the fraggle only every few days . Now he imagined him as a light green fraggle with such funny - looking eyes and yellow hair . He also knew he wore a banana tree t - shirt . The only time he giggled was whenever Wembley was wembling to him . The good thing was that Sunny didn 't laugh so he could embarrass his friend . Feeling so denied and not going with his friends made him much worse . With nothing else he could do , the only thing left that made him feel a little bit better was to sing . " I miss Mokey ! " Sunny said , sniffling . " She was like a mother to me long ago , but now she is my friend . It 's not fair ! I hope my friends come back . " Floyd and Janice finally got to St . John 's Memorial for Mr . Henson after they got a taxi ride . Like that was all they could really afford . " Like Wow ! " Janice thought . " There are like lots of people here that rully know Jim . " The church pipe organ started playing the Sesame Street theme song . The Sesame Street characters and the people were the first ones to start crying . They knew that when the idea all started with a frog and Jim . Beth was also crying into Amy 's shoulder . She loved that show ! It taught her numbers , manners , the important meals of the day and so on . " Poor Kermit , " Beth thought . " I know how it feels to lose a loved one even it is a leader of his . " When the organ music stopped , the Dirty Brass Band played a somber New Orleans style number , which was led by the Henson family , the Muppet performers , and several of its clergy . Trish looked at the program , and the song was " A Closer Walk with Thee . " She softly sang the chorus as long as her friends didn 't hear her . Even she was a Christian , no doubt about it that God did have a plan for Jim on Earth to accomplish great things . He was not only funny , but he was clean , quiet , and worked very hard . She can tell he definitely got an illness since he forgot to wear winter clothes . He never cared about how much anything cost . Dignity was the best word to describe what he really wanted in his life . Finally , the service begins with lots of silence for a moment . Richard Hunt , now a veteran Muppeteer can imagine that probably his Muppets are already at the service . He knows in real life the only friend he brought with him was Scooter Groose . He went to the stage and started reading letters from the children that grew up watching Sesame Street . That " word " Sesame Street clicked into Piggy 's mind . She knew the frog started a show before he did his own show called , " The Muppet Show . " To end his speech , he said , " We would laugh … and cry today , but only if we could breathe in Jim 's air … one last time . " Gobo meanwhile was getting confused . There were two Jerrys ? How can you tell which one you became friends with first ? His voice sounded nice , but still which " silly creature " named Jerry did he really get to know more ? After Juhl was done talking . Jerry Nelson and Louise Gold came to the stage as the pianist started to play . The song was supposed to be called , " When the River Meets the Sea . " Harry Belafonte , whom was a guest star on the " Muppet Show " , did his speech . Some of the people understood it and others didn 't , but when he told them that Jim would say , " Let 's do it , " the phrase perked everyone . So , he was the " boss . " Scooter forgot that Kermit the Frog was not the only boss around the theatre after all . When Harry Belafonte was singing , " Turn the World Around " with his backup group , everyone took out their butterfly rods and waved them . Miss Piggy felt so sad that she wasn 't with Kermie that day when Harry was a guest star . It was either Frank was busy or she wasn 't scheduled to be on the set that day . She was angry at that time and Kermit did apologize for not letting her in the theatre when they had the guest star coming . Even Jim ! He probably forgot about the pig too . Frank convinced that he couldn 't bring both Fozzie and Piggy in at the same day . It just would not work that way . She would never karate chop " Frankie " , but sometimes she would yell at him and he could hear her . Goodness knows if anybody wanted to hear her yell at " Frankie . " Otherwise , she hated Floyd after that incident he caused to make her mad and sometimes Fozzie , but not to Jerry , Richard , or even Jim . Never ever to Kermit 's friend ! After the song was over , Frank Oz was next to the stage . He even told about the Saturday Night Live days when Jim did a terrible and silly thing at the same time . When his speech was over , he left the stage with tears rolling down from his cheeks . " The Rainbow Connection " , Kermit 's signature 's song filled the whole church with Jim 's voice as the frog . The stage was empty ! The butterfly rods started to flutter again and everyone including the Muppets , Fraggles , and Sesame Street gang cried . If Jim was dead , a part of the frog died too . Gobo couldn 't believe this . So this " Jim " had so many friends . They all cared about him and he was even called a " fearless leader . " He felt like he was a fearless Fraggle himself . After John Stone left the stage , then the soft sounds coming from a piano were the first notes from the song , " ( It 's Not Easy ) Bein ' Green . " When Big Bird sang that song and kind of struggled from that meaningful song , everyone cried . Once the song was done , he looked up from the sky and said , " Thank you , Kermit ! " Then , he left the stage . One the sculptures were read , the Henson family came to the podium . There was their mother , Jane , and the children Brian , Cheryl , John , Lisa , and Heather . Cheryl and Brian read the letters that their father , Jim , wrote four years back before his unfortunate death . The words they read were : " I 'm not at all afraid of the thought of death and look forward to it . I suggest you first have a friendly little service of some kind ; it would lovely if there was a song or two … and someone said some nice , happy words about me . … This may all sound silly to you guys , but what the hey , I 'm gone - and who can argue with me ? " Now , Gobo had a feeling of that message that said , " Please watch out for each other and love and forgive everybody . It 's a good life , enjoy it . " What did that mean ? Then , he was thinking about Cantus . If all Fraggles have songs , then " everybody " including silly creatures have songs too . " |
A / N : Usually when I complete a novel , I am done with the characters . Mission accomplished , I move on . But something about the character in the following short story is trying to tell me he isn 't done yet , lol . So , here we go revisiting a friend of mine . Hope you enjoy . I wonder how many relationships have begun with a cup of sugar ? You know the old icebreaker . Show up at your neighbor 's house on the pretense of borrowing the confectionary when all you want to do is meet who 's behind that door . My experience with sugar was just that , though I wasn 't the one initiating things . In fact , I was just getting ready to go out and get the mail when I saw her there on my doorstep . I just opened the door and there she was , hand paused in mid air and ready to knock . Smiling a bit shyly she said , " I was just getting ready to knock . " " I see you were . " I thought about holding my hand out but seeing how frail she looked , I was a little afraid I might find her touch intoxicating . She was a beautiful woman , white porcelain skin , dark auburn hair , and a shape that I 'm sure had turned many men 's heads in her experience . In these minds I imagine she was what was considered as " all that . " " I 'm Tina , " she said . " Your new neighbor . " She glanced across my lawn to the house next door . I knew someone had moved in several weeks ago but as of yet I hadn 't taken time to introduce myself . The grief over the loss of my wife a year ago had me preoccupied . I had seen a man coming and going , and I think maybe once I had seen a woman in the garden out back , but she had looked nothing like this . You 'd be surprised the difference a dress can make on a woman . I almost laughed . You couldn 't get anymore cliché than that . If this were a movie , I guess I would say ' yeah come on in and we 'll give you some sugar ' to which she would fall into my arms in a maddening embrace . But this wasn 't a movie . It was me standing on my porch just wanting to get my mail and have the world leave me alone with my memories . I opened my mailbox and pulled a stack of envelopes out . I hadn 't gotten my mail in three days . There was no real reason to check it every day . It 's not like I was awaiting a sweepstakes check or a letter from my late wife saying she was sorry she had to go . I knew for damn sure I wouldn 't be hearing from her again . Well at least not until we meet in heaven , if I 'm allowed to go there . I flipped through the mail as my neighbor stood there patiently waiting for me to say something . Most women would have walked away if a guy were ignoring her the way I was , but this lady was persistent . I could almost hear her toe tapping on the sidewalk , as if her sheer force of will was trying to compel me to say something to her . I sighed . " Listen Tina , " I finally said , trying to find the right way to approach this . " Maybe you could come back later when your husband is home . Maybe I can find you folks a cup of sugar then . " I didn 't know what her surprise was , but I knew I didn 't want it to be her in the house of another man . I went up the porch steps , and noticed that she wasn 't following me . She stayed on the sidewalk just looking up at me with sad eyes , and though I felt like she had used that doe eyed look on men before , it still seemed to melt the coldness of my heart . When I came back out , she had moved back up on the porch and was standing at the door . Maybe she had been looking inside the whole time , trying to catch a glimpse of me , I don 't know , but when I opened the screen door she backed up as if maybe she thought I was going to take a swing at her for being nosy . I would never hit a woman though , and certainly not for being curious . There it was . Finally . I knew she didn 't need sugar . She was just a lonely housewife looking for a single man to while away the afternoon with . I knew from her revealing dress and manner she wasn 't getting ready to bake a cake . There it was again . The truth . The couple had had a fight , so to strike back at angry hubby , she figured she 'd go flirt with the neighbor . " Well , let me put this another way , " I said . " Today is the wedding anniversary of me and the wife . And though she 's no longer here , I still love her . And when you came up on my porch I was preparing to go to the cemetery and take her some flowers . " How in the world she thought she knew what was ' up my alley ' was beyond me , and she was pouring on the seductiveness thick , playing to that more animal side of man . I found it hard to refuse . In hindsight , I 'd say it was simple curiosity that allowed myself to follow her off my porch , but maybe I 'm just fooling myself . Maybe I did find myself attracted to her in ways I shouldn 't have been thinking of . All the houses on my street are pretty much the same . It 's like the developer built one house and then used a replicator ray to build the rest . Not that such things exist , but I 'm just saying that to let you know the outside of her house was almost the same as my own . The only difference with hers was a big welcome wreath hung on her front door . Hell , if I would have had a wreath on my door it would have said ' go away . ' She opened the door and stepped over the threshold . She made sure to cast me a ' come hither ' look over her shoulder , and I looked around to make sure no one was watching , and followed her in . I closed the door quietly behind me and checked to make sure it was locked . I didn 't want any surprises . " This is home sweet home , " she said with a sarcastic tone , waiting for me in the foyer . I noticed the interior of her house was much like mine : foyer , living room , dining room / kitchen , back door . At least I would know where the exit was . I looked towards a staircase at my right . I knew it led upstairs where there were two bedrooms and a bath , a carbon copy layout of my own house . She laughed . " Well it did take some coaxing to get you over here . " She winked . " I knew based on your reputation it wouldn 't be easy . " She wagged her finger back and forth . " No fair , I can 't tell you that . But you 're just what I need to surprise my husband with . " " Look Tina , I won 't mince words here . I don 't want to get in the middle of whatever is going on with you and your husband . If you are having problems , another man is not the solution . Trust me , only communication and understanding can heal a broken marriage . " I couldn 't believe anyone would cheat on this beautiful woman , and I told her so . She laughed . " Well thank you , but the bitch is loaded . Money seems to matter more to a man than genuine affection . " " Sure , no problem , " I said , as I watched her start up the stairs , her dress already starting to come off her shoulders . My breath caught in my throat . " I 'll be in the kitchen . " I shook my head and headed towards the kitchen . Here she was worrying about being respected after inviting a man she didn 't even know into her house . Sometimes I can 't figure out people . The kitchen had two saloon type swinging doors and I pushed them open . I don 't know what hit me first , the sight or the smell . Any policeman will tell you the smell of blood and death can be overwhelming , but things like that didn 't faze me anymore . Still the smell was strong . I came around a Formica counter and stopped in my tracks . The cup of sugar dropped from my hand to shatter on the floor . A body lay there on the kitchen tile , still and lifeless . The victim had pale skin and her red hair was splayed across the floor . Her black silk dress was made even darker by the kitchen knife that protruded from her stomach . She had been stabbed several times as if rage had been the killer 's sole motivation . The victim 's eyes were open and as I leaned over her , I realized the doe eyed look was gone forever . I touched my fingers to her eyelids and quietly closed them . I waited for the dispatcher to answer and then spoke . " I 'm at 5311 Leslie Drive . A woman has been murdered . I think her name is Tina . " " No problem . " I could hear the ambulance and police siren approaching . There was no need to stay on the line . " I 'm going to go now . I have another spirit to pay my respects to . " I hung up . The police knew where they could find me if they needed to ask me anything . I went to the back door and opened it , stepping out into the sunshine . I really needed to get those flowers to my wife . If I was late though , I 'm sure she 'd understand , considering the situation . As I headed across the lawn , I looked back to my neighbor 's house . Tina stood in an upper window looking down at me . She smiled and silently mouthed the words , " thank you . " Lacey and I sat on the front porch waiting . Soon the police would be there . Already one of the neighbors had come outside to see what the commotion was . Deacon 's choked screams could be heard loud and clear , even out here on the porch . " Yes . " She looked at me and there was a mix of joy and sorrow in her eyes . " She saw me , Cole . Jessica really saw me . She said , bye mama . " A tear fell and glistening on her cheek . " I think she has your gift . " " I don 't need that to remember you , my love . Everything is right here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " The body may be gone , but the heart , that which we are inside , always remains . " And she leaned forward , kissing me . It wasn 't a physical kiss , for she was spirit , and wasn 't trying to pull me back into that plane at the hour of her leaving , but I felt it just the same . I tried to fight back the tears . But they wouldn 't stay put , and instead ran down my face . " Deal . " I turned back to look at Deacon 's front door . I knew he wouldn 't be coming through there again . Except maybe in a body bag . I wondered what the police would think when they showed up and found him choked to death on colored beads of plastic . I returned my attention to Lacey . " So what am I supposed to do now ? How am I to go on without you ? " " Cole , you are special . For whatever reason , the spirit world has chosen you . To help the lost . To help make things right again . For some of us , you are the only bridge that shows the way across to where we need to be . " At first I thought she meant the police , but that wasn 't what she was talking about . She was talking about the people in white . They seemed to melt out of the landscape , some from behind trees , others seeming to materialize out of thin air . I saw one come up from the earth itself , while another just seemed to fade in from the corner of the house . Their faces glowed in such a way I couldn 't make out any distinguishing features , but I knew who they were . They were spirits of those who had gone on before . Not disoriented , confused specters , but new creations of peace and light . The figures in white waited out in the yard , and as she stepped off the porch towards them , I saw her body changing . It was as if she were shimmering , like light playing across water . An ethereal glow came over her , enveloping her until she didn 't have a female form but was just a pulsating shade of light . As the figures came to her , all their dazzling shadows blended and came together as one , before fading away back the way they had come . I stood there watching the beautiful spectacle . I had seen spirits leave this world in peace before , but not in such a display of light or community . It was as if she was getting a big welcome home . I drove down the dead end street where Sheriff Deacon lived . I parked the car outside his house and saw he was sitting on the front porch waiting . His police issue pistol sat beside him within reach . I walked up the porch , my eyes never leaving his . My gun , now fully loaded , rested in its holster under my jacket . Maybe I should have shown up with guns blazing , but I 'd acted rashly too much lately . This time I had to be sure . I stopped at the foot of the steps leading up to the porch . Deacon nodded in greeting and sighed . " It was the ring , wasn 't it ? That 's what finally gave it away . " He shook his head . " You killed an innocent man because of yourself . You were like a cannon . A stick of dynamite ready to explode . I just gave you an outlet for all that anger . " He shrugged . " Dexter was making my little baby girl unhappy . He was trying to get busy with her friend Summer . Imagine , a man his age . . " " What goes around comes around , I guess . Karma 's a bitch , they say . " He placed both his hands in his lap . " So , did you get him ? " " I knew you would . When I realized he 'd come back from the dead for revenge , I tried everything I could to set you on him . I knew nobody else could take him out . You know , I used to think it was crazy , the word on the street that you could see ghosts , but I guess that worked in our favor , didn 't it ? " " Why kill Lacey , Deacon ? What did she ever do to you , except turn to you when she needed someone ? She didn 't deserve that . " " Come on Cole , I needed a fall guy . Things were getting too close . It was only a matter of time before you found something to link me to the Kaleidoscope Killings . Dexter was my fall guy , but I needed someone to take him out before he could prove his innocence . You were already distraught over Lacey leaving you . With her dead , I knew that would send you blindly to wherever I pointed the evidence . " He grinned . " You didn 't let me down . You were the perfect killer . " " You bastard . You are sick . It 's bad enough you were the real Kaleidoscope Killer . You killed all those innocent women . You went around with us as we investigated your own crimes . But worse still was the game you played with those who cared about you . " " What about Carla ? You put your own daughter in the middle of your game . You had me kill Dex . He killed her . He made her friend Summer jump to her death . He killed off everyone we knew on the force just to work his way back to us . My God , can 't you see the madness and murder you caused ? " He was right . If he went down , he would take me with him . It was down to just us two . And we were at a stalemate . " Give me your gun , Deacon . " " Suit yourself . I can just shoot you where you are for trespassing . Who are they going to believe ? The sheriff or a burnt out ex - cop with mental problems ? " " No ! " Deacon screamed and fired off a shot . The bullet struck a porch railing . He fired another into the air as if they were above him . " Get away from me ! " I turned from him to look out to the road . " Here they come , Deacon . Everyone from the force . All the ones you caused to die with your little game . " He raised the gun towards the road . Unfortunately , I was in the way . I threw myself to the ground as he fired off a shot and then he spun and ran inside the house . I knew he was heading for more ammunition . I closed the front door behind me . " Deacon ! " I pulled my gun slowly out of its holster . I walked down the hallway in search of the madman . " Come on out ! " I heard a noise from upstairs , so I headed that way . " You up there , Deke ? " " You son of a bitch . " He raised his gun to fire , but I drew mine faster . Blam ! My gun discharged and the railing beside him exploded in splinters . He threw back his head and laughed . " Oh that 's good , Cole . Trying the ' ghosts all around you ' routine again . It won 't work twice . " " Suit yourself . " I turned away from him . " Go ahead , Lace . He 's all yours . " I turned and started walking back towards the front door . " Stop ! " he shouted . I heard the hammer click back on his pistol . I looked back just in time to see her behind him . She whispered something in his ear and he screamed , spinning around in alarm . He fired the gun and the bullet went through her and hit the wall . His eyes went wild in fear . Somehow he could see her . Maybe whatever she had whispered had given him this ability , or perhaps she was using all the energy available to make herself visible to him . Either way , he knew this was her , and not some kind of trick . And this made him afraid . " No , get away ! " he screamed . He aimed for her face and pulled the trigger . Again , the round went through through her , this time shattering a glass picture frame on the wall . Ironically , it was a picture of Deacon himself . Undeterred , he prepared to fire off another shot . Lacey shoved her hands against his chest , except they went through him , never making physical contact . Still , it was enough to make him react and step backwards . His back pressed against the railing on the landing . There was nowhere to go . He looked to his right at the staircase . Should he try to run ? No , in his mind , because he could see her , she was flesh and blood and he would kill her again . With a shout of rage , he pulled the trigger again and it clicked on an empty chamber . " Karma IS a bitch , " she snarled and leapt at him , arms outstretched for his throat . Her hands and body passed through him until she was hovering in the air in that space beyond the railing . He however , in his need to get away , had flipped over it . He did not hover long , but for a split second it seemed he hung there suspended , as if death itself was savoring the moment . And then he plummeted to the floor below . She followed him down , slowly descending like some dark angel there to administer punishment to the wicked . He tried crawling away , but he couldn 't move . One leg was twisted underneath him and I knew it was broken . It was possible he 'd broken his spine also in the fall from the second floor landing , for he just lay there , trying to will his body to move , yet finding himself helpless . Lacey touched the ground and leaned over him . " You deserve far worse than I could ever do to you , Deacon . I could drive you mad for the rest of your life , but that just wouldn 't do . " I could hear his sigh of relief , see that look of fright leave him . Then Lacey stopped and turned back to him . She pointed to the staircase . I looked up on the landing and it was full of spirits . A horde of ghosts , all the victims of the Kaleidoscope Killer . All the women he had brutally raped and slain . In their mouths , his calling cards still rested , colored glass from a kaleidoscope toy he had shoved in their throats . In unison they all reached up and removed the brightly colored pieces , spitting them out into their open hands . Then they silently marched down the stairs in single file towards him . All that came out of him was a whimper when the first ghost woman touched him . I saw him shimmer for a brief second and realized what was happening . Just as Lacey had pulled me onto the spiritual plane temporarily , so they were doing to him . The ghost took the kaleidoscope glass and shoved it in his open mouth . He struggled but she pinned his arms down as another one of his victims stepped forward . She shoved her handful of glass into his mouth as well and then took her place holding him down . He squirmed and twisted as much as he could , but there was no escape . They came in a line , each taking their turn giving back to him what he 'd given to them . He choked and gagged as the colored pieces were shoved farther down his throat . I could feel her lap beneath my head . Not as a memory , nor as my imagination , but as if she were real flesh and blood . She took her hand and touched my cheek tenderly . " Then how is it I can feel your touch ? " I bit my lip , trying not to cry . To feel her was the most peaceful , wonderful sensation I 'd ever experienced . I felt as if I were in the presence of an angel , not a ghost . " You know the rules , my love . Spirits linger to finish things . Once these things are completed , they have to go on to where they are supposed to . I think my time here is finished . " " No , this was my unfinished task . " She leaned into me ; I felt her hand on my beating chest . Her lips touched mine and I could taste her favorite lipstick , catch the scent of her skin . It was like a first kiss , but born more of love than desire . It was a taste of lost years , all the times we were too busy to share a kiss or say I love you , wrapped up in a single act of hearts . I put my hand to her cheek and felt her soft skin against my palm . I couldn 't help but cry . Everything I had ever hoped for , the chance to say goodbye , to kiss her that one last time , it was here . " Close to a dead body . A man who thought that the next to die was myself and De … oh crap . Lacey , let me go . I have to get to Deacon . " I slipped the ring back in my pocket , as she let me go . I felt disoriented for a moment as I shifted from the spiritual world back to the physical . The room spun in a circle , causing me to wobble on my feet . I had been unconscious when she took me onto her plane of existence , but now I was wide - awake , and the effects were near nauseating . I looked right at her . " Why haven 't you gone yet , Lacey ? If it 's over and done with , if a wrong has been made right , you should have left by now . I 've seen spirits go when their time is through . They don 't stay any longer than they have to . And yet here you are . Unchanged . Unfading . " I felt the ring in my pocket . Something wasn 't right . She should have faded long ago . Her killer had met his final justice . He . . " No , I don 't think so . I think everyone has been played . We 've been toyed with and used until it 's down to just two of us . " " Okay . Let me tell you then . You are walking on a dark street on the way home . Someone comes up behind you . You never see his face , do you ? " " No he wasn 't . I thought he was . All this time I 'd been sure of it . But even Dexter 's brother had tried to tell me I was wrong . Dex was a dupe and we all fell for it . He 'd crossed the killer somehow , and so the real Kaleidoscope saw an opportunity . He set him up to take the fall . He knew my anger would send me over the edge , and I 'd be vengeful without question of the hard facts . " " It was planted somehow . The real killer was behind it . He even arranged to have Dexter let go , told me where I could find him . He planted the seed for me to take an innocent man 's life , and that 's why Dexter came back in Summer 's form looking for revenge . " I don 't remember much about the race home , only the thoughts rushing through my head . If I hadn 't been sitting in a driver 's seat , I would have kicked myself in the ass for being so stupid . Summer had been leading me around blind , pretending to have lost her memory , feeding me just enough to lead me to her victims . But why ? If she wanted to kill somebody , why not just do it ? Why the ruse ? Why string me along for the ride ? Was her purpose to drive me mad ? What had I ever done to her ? The answer to that was nothing . This wasn 't Summer . This was an illusion . Summer was an innocent face , a mask for something darker , vengeful . It didn 't take much to figure out who was wearing the mask . I came screeching into the driveway and jumped out of the car . I needed my tools . This had gone beyond a simple case of a ghost . This was a malevolent specter , a possession of someone else 's spiritual form . I was going to have to perform an exorcism of sorts . I slammed the front door behind me and raced to my bedroom . I flung open the closet door and reached up onto the top shelf . There hidden behind an old hat box , it sat . My mojo bag . A black satchel in which I kept the necessary tools for the most difficult of situations . I opened the drawstring and peered inside . Yes , everything was there . I tied the bag around my belt loop and dashed back out into the hall . What else was I going to need ? My mind raced trying to think . Maybe I better warn Deacon trouble was coming . Into the living room I went , straight to the phone . I picked it up and listened for the tone . I automatically began dialing his number . " Come on , come on , " I whispered , impatiently waiting for it to connect . It began to ring on the other end . " Pick up Deacon , pick up . " After five rings , the answering machine kicked in . " Shit , " I growled and slammed the phone down in its cradle . Deacon could already be in trouble ; I had to get over there fast . I spun around to head for the door and stopped where I was . Someone was in the doorway . Her dress was white lace and her long blonde hair lay across her shoulders as if she had been brushing it for hours . She smiled , and for a moment , the mask held . But I wasn 't being fooled any longer . This wasn 't Summer Dennings . Her smile grew wider and she clapped her hands in slow mock applause . " Well , well , well . It 's about time , Cole . I thought I was going to have to just whisper it in your ear there for a minute . It 's amazing just how stupid you can be . " " Now , now , you know if I had shown up at your door as Dexter Dean , where would the fun have been in that ? It has been entertaining watching you torture yourself so . Oh poor Lacey , oh woe is me . . " The figure pretended to dot her eyes with a handkerchief . " I needed a flesh and blood body . A way to get at you . What better way than such a pretty young form as this . " She spun around , her dress billowing out at her sides . " But when she wouldn 't let me have her , when she jumped , I just had to settle myself with this . It 's amazing what one can do as a spirit . " " No , " I trembled . Had Dexter mastered the spirit form so much he had played at being my Lacey , too ? Lacey and Summer had never been in the same place at the same time . Could every spirit I 'd dealt with these days been The Kaleidoscope Killer ? Finally the shape changed again , this time into a tall man , broad of shoulder , a hulking mass of muscle and sinew . " There , this is better . It may not be quite as I was , but it will do , considering the circumstances . " I reached into my bag and pulled out a piece of chalk . I dropped to one knee and drew a circle around me . The spirit threw back his head and laughed . " Oh , that 's rich . Do you really think a circle is going to protect you from me now ? I have been practicing a lot of things since I 've been dead . " He picked up a chair that sat in front of my computer desk . He physically lifted it as if he had form and held it over his head . " A little hatred can go a long way when you are dead , " he cackled and threw it at me . There was no way to dodge the chair . It came at me too fast . I threw up my arm to block it but the force was strong enough to knock me off my feet and out of the circle . " I might not have a physical body anymore thanks to you , but I can still hurt you ! " He walked over to the front door and picked up my coat rack . He turned it upside down and shook everything off of it . He stalked towards me , the rack held out like a spear in which to gut me with . I rolled over and got to my feet . I reached in my mojo bag , but I knew there was nothing there that could hurt him now . He had somehow managed to cross the line between living and dead . He had no physical form , but he could command physical objects . Wham ! The top of the rack jabbed me in the gut and all the air was pushed out of me . I coughed and clutched my stomach . I was trying to come to my feet . Slowly I stood up , while Dexter pranced around me , bouncing on the balls of his feet like a boxer . He swung the coat rack at my legs . Crack ! My knees buckled and I went down . He was too fast , moving like the flash from a camera . I tried scurrying away and this just made him gloat over me more . " It 's different when you 're on the other end of the stick , isn 't it ? " I braced myself for the coat rack to come slamming down on my back as I tried to crawl away . But he was content to watch me trying to escape . Finally , I got to my feet and ran . " Where do you think you 're going ? " he called after me . I limped down the hallway trying to get to my bedroom . I had my other gun in there ; maybe I could get to it before he caught up with me . I stumbled into the room and fumbled with my dresser drawer . I finally pulled it open and there it was . I knew there was one bullet in the chamber . I had saved it for those desperate nights when I got to missing Lacey more than most . I spun around and marched back out into the hallway , where Dexter stood , the coat rack still held like a weapon in his hand . I raised the gun and came right at him . I don 't even know what I was thinking . I knew the gun wouldn 't hurt him . Though he had command of physical objects , I knew they couldn 't hurt him back . But I was desperate . " Oh please , " he snickered and swung the rack . It hit my wrist and the gun went flying out of my hand , spinning back down the hallway far out of reach . I clutched my wrist . It felt like he may have broke it . I was fighting back the painful tears . Dexter turned around and went back into the living room , no longer concerned about me . He knew I was helpless . Just as he had been helpless when I gunned him down in a dark back alley . " I 'm sorry , " I said quietly , feeling defeated . " I should have let justice take its course . I should have taken you back to jail . but you killed my . . " He reeled around . " Sorry ? You 're sorry ? " He threw the coat rack down in the middle of the floor . " Don 't be sorry , Cole . You killed me and made me a God ! " He threw back his head and laughed madly . I looked at him and suddenly knew real fear . I backed up . I knew this was it . The time had come ; he was done with taunting me . " Just like a man to think that , " she grinned slyly . " But I will be a lady and give you the choice to leave now . Leave this house , leave this plane . " She reached down . " Because now I can take a solid object and bring it onto the spiritual plane . " She picked up the gun . At her touch it shimmered and gained a transparency . " And by bringing it on the spiritual plane , I can use it against anything there . " " You don 't need it , " she stated matter - as - factly . I watched her finger pull the trigger . There was a muffled bang as if the shot were coming from a room far away . The bullet struck Dexter in his chest . He barely had time to register a look of shock before he went down . He clutched his hand to his chest , and though there was no blood to see , I swore it looked like a mist ; a sort of ectoplasm was seeping from his chest . " You haven 't beat me , " he snarled in my direction . " I will find a way to come back again and again until you are dead as she is . " He made a gesture of spitting to the ground at my feet . " You 're not coming back , " I said , and reached into my bag . In my hand I held a piece of chalk with rune type markings up its side . I knelt down and drew a circle around Dexter 's fallen form . Completing the circle , I muttered the words I had committed to memory , yet never hoped to have to use . With each arcane word , Dexter trembled . He knew what was coming , and I could hear their growls and snarls in the distance . Lacey turned her face from the scene . She didn 't want to see , but I had to watch . I had to make sure he wasn 't coming back . They materialized within the circle , three black dogs that circled his prone form , salivating from their jaws . " No wait , " he cried out , right before one of the hounds clamped down on his ankle . He screamed , as the dogs began to drag him away . They weren 't dragging him out of the circle , but further within it . A darkness seemed to slowly envelop them as they faded from the circle . His screams took longer to fade . Quarter Mile Bridge has a history . It has long surpassed being just a piece of architecture and has become something of legend . Summer Dennings was not the only tragic figure to go off its side . For as long as I can remember , it has been the place to go to if one wanted to kill themselves . The long fall , coupled with the freezing waters below , would ensure the jumper didn 't survive . Even in the days of my own youth , the place held a morbid fascination . One would think that maybe the bridge was cursed , that if it were a living thing , it planted the seeds of death in one 's mind . But it wasn 't a living thing . It wasn 't evil . It was just a bridge . The lover 's leap of our town it may have been , but it was just metal and concrete . Men had made this place the tragic setting it was . I parked my car at the very edge of the bridge and decided to walk across to the spot I had last seen Summer 's ghost . From where I was , I didn 't see her . She was gone , but I remembered the place where she had stood . In my mind 's eye I could still see her there , frozen in a moment of having something to show me , and yet Deacon and I had been driving away . I stopped where I believed she had stood . I ran my hand across the railing . Made of steel , it was cold to my touch and I wondered about the night she had jumped . Had her warm hands gripped this railing in the moments before she threw herself over the side ? Or was her whole body cold inside by then , devoid of anything relating to joy or happiness ? I looked at the concrete where I stood . Had her feet been planted exactly here ? Had she trembled or hesitated the slightest little bit ? I imagined her standing there , shaking and trying to make up her mind what to do . I closed my eyes , and could almost feel the open air that one would experience upon leaving that bridge . How far to the bottom ? Would you have time to think about what you had done ? What waited down there besides the freezing river ? Would death immediately envelop you , caress you like a long lost lover , or would it just be sudden blackness ? Before I knew it , I was up on one rung of the railing . I don 't remember stepping there . It was almost automatic . A name left my lips : Lacey . I could end all this misery now . Every piece of guilt I could bring to a close in one movement . A little voice inside my head said jump . My legs shook on the rung . My lips quivered . Then before I could jump , a last thought came to me , an image I had seen when Summer 's ghost had touched me , a voice I had heard from her gloom . " I want your body , " it had said . Summer had jumped trying to get away from it . I had seen her desperation , seen her jump in that brief glimpse inside her memory . I had watched her disappear over the edge and … wait a minute . I stepped down from the railing , my mind suddenly alert , no longer thinking of my own shortcomings and guilt . No , it was something to do with Summer . When she had touched me in the car . I 'd been inside her spirit and seen what she had seen that night . But something about it was wrong . Something about that glimpse inside was off , and it was trying to tell me the truth . I turned around and put my back to the railing , trying to remember the vision she gave me with that touch . I had seen her standing on the bridge . The voice had said " I want your body " and then an arm reached out . In her final act , she had thrown herself over the bridge and I watched her fall into the darkness . I played the image over and over , like a video on replay . What wasn 't right with the picture ? Maybe if I could look at it from another point of view … Wait , that was it . The point of view . It was wrong . When Summer touched me , I should have seen exactly what she 'd seen . I should have seen the person reaching for her . Should have seen him speak . I should never have seen her at all . If I was getting a look at her buried memories , I wouldn 't have seen her jump , could never have watched her fall . She would never have seen herself as she jumped over the railing . She wouldn 't have seen her own body descend . She would only have seen the river as it rushed to meet her . When she touched me , I had gotten a glimpse of a spirit all right , but it wasn 't hers . It wasn 't Summer 's memories at all . It was that of the one who made her jump . I ran back to the car . This changed everything , this new piece of the puzzle . In the vision I had heard the voice , seen the hand reaching out to take her , followed by her tragic leap . But what did it mean ? How could Summer show me this ? It was impossible unless … . Unless Summer wasn 't Summer at all . No , that can 't be . Or can it ? Had I been duped all along , strung along like a puppet for some unseen purpose ? Oh my god , how could I have been so blind ? I 've been leading Summer to all the people to kill . The older brother , the lover Carla , former officer Jacobs . So , who was next ? Who was the last person I had contact with ? Darnell Dean ? No , Sheriff Deacon . Oh Jesus , he was next … I climbed behind the wheel and started the car . I had to get to Deacon before someone else did . But first , I needed to stop by the house . This was going to take more than a pistol . I was going to need some serious magic . At the station , Deacon asked me the standard questions , taking my statements of what had transpired at the Dean house . I argued that I had not broken or forced my way in . The front door had been unlocked and I just merely opened the door . Once his deputies arrived from questioning Darnell and Andrea , they confirmed I hadn 't picked the lock or made a forced entry , and so I was just charged with trespassing . " It 's the best I can do , " the sheriff explained . " Maybe we can get Darnell to drop the charges before this goes to court . If you 're right about the ' setting you up ' thing , it could be he just needs a little time to bask in his success . To know that he got you in trouble . " He got up from his chair . " No , we 'll just go before the magistrate real quick and we 'll get him to set you free on your own recognizance . It 's not like you 've been in trouble before . And you 're ex PD too , so that 's two good things in your favor . " He grinned . I grinned back , but I really wasn 't thinking of what he was talking about or what I had done to get in trouble . I was thinking about the last image of Summer 's ghost standing on the bridge looking over the side as we kept on driving . Something wasn 't right . I couldn 't quite put my finger on it , but something about her and that bridge just wouldn 't leave me be . It 's like I should have known what 's wrong with the picture , and yet it was just on the outside of my vision . I was going to have to go back and take a look for myself . There was something there , some other piece to be found . Summer wanted me to know something . But what ? Deacon sighed . " Let it rest , Cole . He let them search the house . There was a crate in the basement , yes . But there was no evidence a body had ever lain in it . " " Jesus man , don 't you understand ? Darnell hasn 't done anything to break the law . But you have . " He glanced over at me . " You need to start getting your own life in order before worrying about what others might be doing . " He was right and I knew it . I had let things get out of control . Instead of sorting out my own demons , I was creating other ones where they may not even exist . " My suggestion , Cole , is that you go home . Go home and remove all of Lacey 's things you may have there . It 's driving you crazy what happened to her . You were doing real well for a while . We thought you were going to make it . But here lately I don 't know . It 's not looking good . " " You just need to start over . Without her shadow hanging over you . She 's dead , and as much as I wish for you that she wasn 't , she 's gone and she 's not coming back . You have to decide what you 're going to do , Cole . Lay down and join her or get back up into the world of the living . " We pulled up behind my car parked in front of the Dean house . The lights were no longer on . Darnell and Andrea must have gone on to bed , the night 's intrusion forgotten . Maybe he was getting into her skin , as he liked to call it . I can 't believe I had misread what he meant . What an idiot I can be sometimes . " Cole , I 'm telling you this as a friend would . There is more at stake here than just you . You have a little girl . She 's already lost her mom . Her father snapped once and it 's looking like he 's going to snap again . Do you want her growing up knowing that you just lost it ? That you had a choice between the living and the dead , and you chose the dead ? Get your life in order , Cole , and then get your daughter back . Believe me you , you don 't want a miss a minute of her life . " I didn 't know what to say . I felt like I was seeing a part of Deacon I 'd never seen before . The father , the family man , the tender side that he shows no one . I thought I saw his eyes begin to tear up , but he turned away from me and looked out the window up at the Dean house . " Okay , " I answered . What else was I to say ? We had come to this place by a hard road , and now I was beginning to think I had brought myself here , not ghosts or the dead , just me . If anyone was to blame for my misery it was myself . I left Deacon in the car and went to my own . I didn 't stick around , though he waited for me to pull away before he too left the scene of the Dean house . He didn 't follow me , and so instead I found myself driving aimlessly , wondering how I could find my own peace . But I knew peace wouldn 't come until all the parts of the puzzle were in their correct place . I had to know about Summer . What happened and why it happened . Why did this young girl in her prime fall from the bridge ? I already suspected she was pushed , forced . Murdered . But for what reason ? And what did it have to do with me ? Driving by her parent 's house , I recalled my visit there and how upset they had seemed about their daughter 's friend , Carla . What kind of things had been said in that house about the two of them ? How much anger and resentment had been offered up behind those doors ? The ruin of her brother 's house , though mostly hauled away now , was like a ghost in itself . Why burn down this house with us in it ? What was I not supposed to find out ? What was it her brother could have told me ? Did he have some vital piece of information that would have brought me to the truth ? And what of Deacon 's tragic daughter ? Did she hang herself from the tree house , or did someone help her long ? And was there any significance in the fact it was the same tree house I had built for my beloved Lacey ? Lacey . What did she have to do with all this ? Why did she linger around for so long before allowing herself to be chased away by me ? Is it possible she had known Summer ? She knew Carla from when she was living with Deacon , so had she met Summer then ? Maybe she had told Summer about me and that 's why the girl had come to me when she died . And why had everyone I knew on the force died off ? I would be a fool not to admit it seemed strange everyone connected with the Kaleidoscope Killer case was now dead . Everyone except Deacon and I . Was some special kind of vengeance being saved for us ? Would we go out like Jacobs , slowly bleeding to death and helpless to do anything but write a message on a dirty window ? What had it been ? DEAD END . Some message that was . And the ring . What of Lacey 's wedding ring on the dash ? What did it mean ? Was it a message ? A taunting ? If it was buried with her , how did it make its way from her grave to end up in the car of a murdered man connected to her case ? I pulled my car to the side of the road . Closing my eyes , I tried to chase all these mind twisting thoughts from my head . It was just too much to digest . It was like a mystery where there were so many clues and all of them lead in different directions . It 's almost like someone is trying to deliberately send me down all these paths . But are all these paths legitimate clues ? Or do some of them lead nowhere ? How did I know which clue to follow ? I took a deep breath , and in that moment I thought of where it all began . Summer Dennings . All this came about in an effort to find out how she died . I 'd learned she 'd went off the Quarter Mile Bridge , either pushed by someone or by jumping herself . The answers lay with her and that bridge . It was time to go back there , to see if she was still standing by the railing , peering down into the watery depths below . Something tells me the bridge and what happened there holds all the answers . |
FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag " A rundown of episode last night 's Fear the Walking Dead , which proved while Madison was still kind of an idiot , she does want revenge . And it also showed why you shouldn 't lie to Ruben Blades . [ WARNING : SPOILERS ] ( ew . com ) » ( 4 comments ) |
Once again I was spending a lot of time taking pictures this week , I missed some but no doubt overcompensated on others . I now have a sink , water , disposal , dishwasher , stove and microwave / convection oven . Oh yes , we do have the fridge , though still in the living room . Amazing how things ebb and flow to and from places . We haven 't used the stove yet , but we have dishes in the dishwasher , just have to read the directions to find out how all the appliances work . When I wasn 't taking pictures I was working on an order for the new client . Yesterday I received a tracking number for the first order , so they will have them for the Fly - In . Now the shirts are in , though my group won 't receive it until Monday - it went in just after they left for the day . That three hour difference can be frustrating at times . Eddie told me that Barry said one of the guys at the client 's said he could get t - shirts for $ 10 . 00 - Barry told him what we charged , a whole lot less . That shut the guy up in a hurry . I am working on something for another client , this one really bothers me because she is also a really good friend and I didn 't get her the item by her deadline . That is the first time that has happened . I had an idea and proposed it to my group , not sure anything is going to come of it because I haven 't had an answer . Not the way I want to do things . Wednesday morning when I left for Breakfast Club , I noticed the street was very tidy - someone had come by and cleaned up the wood from the fallen branch . No idea who but wonder if it was the City , the Community Club or one of the neighbors who wanted firewood for the winter . It 's nice to see it tidy again . Thursday I met Mom over at the Center , her new shoes arrived and Scott wanted to fit her . She and he were late , but it worked out . However Mom was agitated and a little cranky , not sure what kind of night she had . I know she is confused about a lot that goes on and this would qualify . She was not happy about walking in them with the aide , she told her to leave her alone . She seemed to be willing to come back where we were sitting , maybe because I was there . Anyway , a ter a bit she was better and said the shoes were " all right " . We have been having wet , sticky weather - I don 't remember humidity here in the summer . Usually when it rains it is cold and raw , but this week it was warm and humid . Now the humidity was in the 60 % range , not like the stuff we had on the East Coast or Fort Wayne . For us spoiled Pacific Northwesterners , it is humid and uncomfortable . Yesterday it went up to 83 and by Monday or so it is supposed to reach into the 90 's . I was concerned the house would be hot when we went to bed , but it was surprisingly comfortable . The shades definitely make a difference . Eddie 's computer has been a problem again . Another virus made it impossible for him to connect to the internet . Then there were other things , so I called Jon from Breakfast Club on Monday to see if he would look at it if I brought it on Wednesday . He has just brought it back now - Eddie was not pleased because he wants to send his report out by the end of the month . Unfortunately he hasn 't been able to figure out what to do with the Mac for his report , that means a One To One for both of us to see how it is done . I bought the knobs for the cabinets , though I cleaned out Lowes in Southcenter . They didn 't have enough , so I had to go to Kent the next day after my massage . They are sitting in a white bucket under the table by Mom 's chair . I think I have an extra and I want to put it on the old pantry door , that will make it so much easier to open . We had the most beautiful sunset the other day . I almost didn 't take a picture , so I am very glad I did . We have some gorgeous ones and it is such a pleasure to see it change color as the sun goes down . The remodel has had many surprises , not all were planned or anticipated . Last Thursday , late in the afternoon , Brad Eddie and I were talking in the kitchen when we heard a loud crack , then the sound of possibly a tree going down a hill . We looked over at Eric 's across Shorewood Drive because he has been thinning trees on his property . The I realized we hadn 't heard the sound of a saw , then didn 't think any more about it . Brad left and it wasn 't too long before he was back , he couldn 't leave because there was a tree blocking the road . It was the big Madrona branch we have all wondered when it would come down - this was the day . Eddie and Brad went out together , I called John next door to see if he had a saw . He said he would be out shortly to see what the situation was . Then I called the Shorewood Community Club President to find out what the drill is for a situation like this . I never did get out to see how it looked , it was a few days later that I finally was able to take pictures . It fell at an angle and landed on Bob Allen 's mulch pile . Some of the branches were thick . The Dusslers from down the hill came , Bonnie couldn 't get through . Eddie said some one else came up the hill with another saw , so they dispatched the branches in short order . I have spent so much time catching up with pictures and my kitchen remodel blog that I have not had time or energy for this one . Working on the remodel takes more time , downloading the pictures , rotating and that need it , a little adjusting , etc . Then it takes quite a while to upload to my media library ; then it goes more quickly . I usually have a comment on each picture - that takes the least amount of time . I admit it has been an interesting adventure the past 3 weeks - especially now that it is definitely looking more like a real kitchen than that just my imaginings . I am so delighted with how well it has turned out so far , Mary Ellen was such a big help in choosing colors , flooring and counter tops . Plus I have received compliments on the blog - I started it to show my two sisters what was happening to house we grew up in . They have been very supportive and really like what we are doing . Also , this week has been busy as I was putting together quotes for the new client . He wants denim shirts , polos and tees ; I put together each category in separate quotes . Then I had my group price them for me and Friday morning they came back ; then I put them in each quote and sent them off . The proof for the lapel pin has been approved to put them into production . He is very pleased with how well I have been doing things for him - a lovely compliment I am very pleased to hear . Especially as I have been having trouble delivering an item another client wants - my group has not worked with any of the suppliers and that makes them nervous . I proposed I would pay for it and to order the one the client likes . I haven 't heard anything yet , though that was on Friday and I can 't remember when I sent the email . Friday was an important day for my Mom - we went to the oncologist to find out the options for her breast cancer and treatments . She doesn 't really know what is going on and I am not sure she would understand , so I haven 't said much to her about it . I have explained what we are doing but I think it is confusing for her . I am amazed at how calm I have been about the whole thing because I am usually a worrywart about things . The part I have been somewhat apprehensive about is how she would deal with the whole experience . Many times she has asked why are we doing this but so far has been fairly calm and cooperative . I went over to the house by 1 pm when the van was due . I had brought my bag again with kleenex , cookies and chocolate plus my book . The van didn 't arrive until about 1 : 45 - our appointment was for 2 . By the time he secured Mom 's wheelchair and I finally got in , we were off . The van is a high one and I couldn 't quite bend my left knee enough to use the bar to pull myself up . Ricky must be used to it because he held my right leg and lifted me up and there I was ! Traffic was somewhat heavy , so by the time we arrived , it was waaaay after 2 . The traffic was somewhat heavy but we moved most of the time . I was surprised we were at the Polyclinic - that is where my rheumatologist is and Infusion Therapy . We had gone to swedish 1st Hill for the other two appointments . I was able to slide down to the curb , much easier coming out than going in . The office is on the 5th floor , not too far from Infusion Therapy , so I felt on more familiar ground . The doctor is a young Chinese man , though I have to say he looks like a high school kid . He is not that tall and has no wrinkles in his fave , but after a bit I realized he had some grey in his hair , so he can 't be that young . He was very nice and had all the records , so that helped a lot . He examined Mom and asked questions and had some good news for us . He is not one for invasive or heroic measures . He said the stains show it has to do with estrogen - good news - and intermediate aggressive . He recommends Tomoxifin ( I think that is right ) , a once a day pill . It keeps the estrogen from turning on the growth message to a cell , so the cell dies . He thinks it may even shrink the 1 1 / 3 ″ cancer - too big to just scoop out and having surgery to remove it would be very hard on Mom . He feels this is a good option for Mom . He has spoken with Dr . Myre and she will arrange for the prescription . We were finished about 3 : 30 , so I called Tri - Med to pick us up - it was close to 5 before they arrived . Darryl was very friendly and helped both of us into the van . Mom sat in front because she couldn 't bend he right knee to have all legs in . It took some doing for me to get in the back seat - I couldn 't get my right leg to bend enough to be tucked in . Finally I found a way to do it and had to side sideways and out my feet in the middle of the van ; then would be the how do I get myself out . Even though it was 5 , the traffic wasn 't very heavy going south - usually on a Friday everything is so backed up . I called Eddie to let him know where I was and what was happening , then I would call when I was ready to leave Mom 's house . That meant I would have to figure out how to get out of the van . Finally I realized I could put my left foot on the floor and stand a bit until I had my right foot out enough to leave the van . however , it wasn 't easy to get to the ground because I needed enough leg length to reach the ground . I felt myself falling backward but found Daryl was behind me to keep me from falling . Those Tri - med guys are so great . By the time I was ready to leave for home , it was almost 6 . I told Didi what the doc said and that Dr . Myre would be sending the pills . She has received the anti - psychotic pills and has been taking them for a few days . Mom was really tired when she came back , but they decided to give her dinner first and I suspect she went to bed early . They had given her a small can of apple juice at the doctor 's office but was able to drink it until we were finished . I asked if she would like a cookie and she was definitely open to that . I brought three and it probably held her until dinner . Never did get to the chocolate , I 'll save it for another day . I came home and Brad was gone and Eddie was taking me out to dinner . I didn 't feel so tired and worn out this time , that helped a lot . We had a quiet dinner at California Pizza because going into Seattle wasn 't appealing at that point . I had a chance to take pictures for my blog afterwards and just stand and admire the kitchen . That was my week . I loved Ellen 's beach roses but it was hard because she also sent a gorgeous clematis . So I 'm putting in both photos . Thank You so much Ellen , you have such lovely pictures . Next time it will be Candy and a set of really wonderful photos . Won 't tell about it , so wait and see . I 've been so busy catching up on the remodel blog and keeping current with pictures that I haven 't had time to do a post here . It has been an interesting time during the remodel , I though it might be very difficult . How glad I am that it has been fairly easy - having the fridge and the stove make a big difference . Also , before Brad leaves for the day , everything is neatly packed and and stacked , plus vacuumed - very tidy . I think the thing I have some trouble with is not having a sink and water . I have to consciously remember it isn 't there . Otherwise , it has gone rather well . Some days I am here and others I have things to do outside . Monday was the day for the electricity to go off , so Dr . Cheryl and my caregiver support group helped a lot . I was here on Tuesday morning , then went out to see Mom , felt rather down when I came back because she was nodding off holding her bear after a little while . So I decided to see her in the morning on Friday , I brought cookies for the house . She was holding to one of her little bears at the table and after a while she started nodding off . I talked to her doctor and she suggested something to help her sleep since she doesn 't sleep very well at night . She said it was a choice between a sleeping pill that would just put her to sleep at night but would greatly increase the chance of falls - something she has had trouble with for quite some time . Or an anti - psychotic drug that would help lessen her anxiety , confusion and fears . As my sister Candy pointed out , Mom has always been anxious as long as we have known her . I will admit the mention of anti - psychotic sounds very dire and not my Mom at all , but once she explained what it can do , I feel a bit better about it . The anti - psychotic drug is her recommendation and if it can calm some of the anxiety , fears and confusion while helping her to sleep as a result and have less chance of increasing falls , I have gone along with her . I don 't know how soon it will start , she said it would take 4 to 6 weeks to see if it is working . Eddie and went to look for light fixtures and I couldn 't find anything that would work and I liked . So Thursday , my day at home , was spent at the computer going bug - eyed looking at fixtures . I found one I like , but I still haven 't found one to put over the sink that will go with it . I did find one for the porch that we both like - not sure Eddie is all that keen on the light fixture . I also went on Friday to pick up samples of the knobs I like . I 'm glad I did because with something to occupy my mind , I didn 't feel down after seeing Mom . So I think I need to do that again , otherwise I am not very good company for a while . Back to the post - I have now posted all the pictures I have for the remodel , this coming week should be interesting because we are supposed to get the cabinets later in the week . However , Brad mentioned putting them together , so I wonder how long it will take to make it look like a kitchen . I had planned to relax this weekend and not use the computer , but that didn 't quite work out the way I planned . I also have a new client who wants a lapel pin and now shirts . So I am working on quotes for that this week . I never know what is going to happen from one day to the next these days , I feel I am taking it in my stride so far . This Friday is Mom 's appointment with oncologist , then next week she gets her new shoes . Let 's face it , technology sometimes defeats me for a while , but I am determined to see if I can get this link to my other blog working . I am going to see if I can also have a link on the front page so you don 't have to keep looking at old posts to find it . Let 's try again . AT LAST ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It is working finally . It drives me crazy when things don 't work properly and then when I finally have success , oh so sweet ! It seems to take me longer to do the Remodel blog than this one because I am uploading pictures and it takes awhile for each one . this one I just write with an occasional photo . I had a lovely email from sister Candy and she sent a gorgeous picture : Yesterday we checked out light fixtures - one for the porch light , the other is for the kitchen overhead light . I like the carriage light for the back porch , fortunately we both agree on that . For the kitchen he likes the modern one but I prefer something more in keeping with the style of the house . So we will keep looking . Also knobs for the cabinets - I thought they came with knobs , but apparently they don 't One more thing on the list to ask Brad . I have finally been able to put together the blog with the kitchen remodel and published it - you can find it at eekplanian1 . wordpress . com It is more pictures with a bit of description or commentary . I have the before pictures first in the Kitchen Remodel and then under that ( I hope ) I have labeled it Day 1 . I also plan to do a category that shows the outside of the house and some of the interior , then another with pictures of the " garden " - I use the term loosely since it is more bare ground or weeds rather than garden . UPDATE : I can 't seem to get the link to work and I don 't know what is wrong . I thought it was publishing but it sometimes goes to something odd . Well , let me know if you can get through in spite of the frustrations . It is strange to find myself doing two blogs at the same time , one will no doubt be a bit behind - it may go back and forth . I appreciate your patience while I catch up . Now that we have been doing it for a week , I am surprised I don 't feel terribly stressed out - tired , you bet ! But it has seemed to take so long to come and now at last the remodel has arrived . Dealing with no water except in the bathrooms turns out not to be so bad - we seem to eat a lot of sandwiches and don 't use a lot of plates . Eddie uses the downstairs bathroom while I find upstairs more convenient . We trade off who does the dishes , so no one is stuck doing it all the time . We really enjoy Brad and one thing we notice is that at the end of the day , everything is cleaned and vacuumed before he leaves . He has also been using the vacuumed right up close when he is taking something down or cutting somewhere since there is lead pain all over the house . He did that when did the bathroom for us . This time he isn 't taking out all the walls , so there is less work in that area . Thursday this week the plumber came and turned the water off just as I was leaving for my massage , he said he would have it back on about 2 : 30 . So I decided to entertain myself until 3 . I had a lovely massage and Debye said that Spirits were telling me to go out in Nature and breathe it in deeply . Also , they told her I had already decided , so they were validating my inclination . Wow ! I stopped for some lunch to go at Subway - not a smart choice and will not go there again . But I took it over to the park and hoped there would be a parking space . We have been having lovely warm weather and figured everyone would be there . As I drove down , all the places by the beach looked full - then I saw an empty space . A handicapped space just where I wanted to be because I planned to go down to the south end of the park . They were looking out for me . I walked down quite a way and found a place I could go down the shallow few steps and over to a log with only a small stretch of sand and stone . It faced west and the sun hadn 't come around all the way , so I had a lovely time eating my salad and my drink while reading my book . It was amazingly quiet and peaceful most of the time , it was what I had in mind . Around 2 : 15 Brad called to let me know the water was back on , so I cleaned up things and came home . I was surprised to find myself so tired , I had no energy to do anything but relax . Greg was gone and had no trouble doing the plumbing for the kitchen sink and Friday the inspector was due . I have been taking pictures of the progress , so he was kidding me a bit about it . Friday the electrician came - Bret has down things here before so he is familiar with the house . He is a hoot and does an excellent job , I am glad he is doing the work . He asked what we wanted for outlets and such 0 he said he could do anything we want . I thought he was going to turn off the power , but that will be Monday . So I was able to write my blog and work on getting the remodel one going . I also went to see my Mom , she was kind of tired and when I asked about her bears , she wasn 't sure where they were . I pointed out to her and asked if she would like to hold a bear - she was very happy to hold on to the big bear , her favorite . I noticed she kept closing her eyes and so I asked Judy if she had slept the night before - Judy said she woke up quite early . That may explain why she was nodding off . So Judy helped her to get ready for a nap and I left . Today we have taken our time doing things , I even had plenty of time to look through 3 quilting magazines . We are both tired from the week and the weekend of moving stuff . We slept well last night and probably will tonight as well . Sorry , no pictures for this post - you will find a lot on the remodel one . At the beginning of the week I thought I had things well in hand - not so much at the end of it . I was beat when I finished up the last of the moving out of kitchen stuff , I figured I could relax . But it wasn 't to be . I went to see my chiropractor Monday morning for my regular appointment , glad to be there because I was stiff and sore . She really helped me with that and my shoulder , so I figured I would be able to sleep better . So I came home and wrote about Day 1 and decided to create a new blog just for the remodel . I was really tired after that , so I just relaxed . Dinner was an adventure - we still have the stove so we cooked the artichokes . I filled the pot from the shower , then later washed all the plates , etc . there as well . That was something because I was bending over to do it and my back wasn 't happy . I decided the bathroom sink would work better . A little awkward but it does the job . We are planning on very simple meals while this is going on - sometimes we have to go to different rooms to collect what we need . Unfortunately I didn 't sleep all that well Monday night , not sure if I was still too tired to sleep . I started working on the new blog , then had to leave because I had to do a medical day on Tuesday . I first went to Radiology for my Dexa Scan , I only had to take off my shoes and unhook my bra and unzip my slacks because they were also doing my spine as well . I didn 't know that , they did it the last time , I thought it was only my right hip . They could do my right because of the broken bone , they can 't get a match to the 2005 one - yep , it 's been that long ! I got up on the table and she positioned me , then had to reposition - telling me not to move , she would move me . It didn 't work as well , so back she slid me to the first position . It was a little hard for her to put me in place because of the RA , but she was very friendly , just all business . She printed pages out for me to take to Dr . Sheets , my rheumatologist . I found out my numbers are higher than what is normal - 28 instead of 20 or below , 4 . 2 instead of 3 . 6 , no idea what they all mean but according to her I am at great risk . Hmmmm , is it as bad as that or is that medical overanalyzing ? Of course the doc wants to put me on Fosemax - type med - been there , done that , no desire to repeat . I will see my primary care doc on the 18th and will discuss it with him . Otherwise , she is pleased with results of Orencia . My blood work was done when I had the infusion , so she probably has them by now . Up to the Infusion Center where I was able to relax , read and enjoy the view from the other corner suite - not quite the view but very nice and quiet in the corner . The Mt . Ranier was out and I could look south to see it and the freeway - we have been having warm sunny days this week . Everything went smoothly so I was finished by about 2 : 30 and home by 3 . I didn 't plan to visit Mom because it would be late when I got there . So I said I would come Wednesday morning . Didn 't sleep very well , something was off but I didn 't know what it was . I went to Breakfast Club and forgot it wasn 't at the usual place - the place was dark , which gave me a clue . We were meeting at Dr . Rob 's vet clinic , he finished the remodel and it is really wonderful , he put an addition on that increased the size to twice the space . I also took Vickie aside and apologized for not getting her order on the day she wanted it . I haven 't been as diligent as I needed and I had trouble getting answers from Kristen . That is the first one that didn 't make it to the starting gate - really bothers me . I went to have coffee and read for a bit before seeing Mom , it was 8 : 30 and I usually don 't go until around 10 or 10 : 30 . She was sitting at the dining room table , alert and with it . We talked a bit and then ran out of things to say . It is hard because I don 't know about telling her about the house , she would want to come and see it . The things foremost on my mind I am not sure about telling her - would it just confuse her or make her agitated ? I don 't want to stir the pot . Yes , just call me chicken ! She has an appointment with the oncologist on June 21st at 2p . m . - we 'll see what this doc has to say . Then it will be talking to Dr . Myre to decided the best course of action for Mom . Eddie had a dentist appointment in the afternoon so I stayed for when the 1 800 Junk guys came to finish up clearing the end of the basement . I went down to see how it looked after they came Saturday and stayed down to check out where my pictures were - don 't know where all of them are but I did find the one with my flower - pot lady . I made it when I was in Fort Wayne but left her because I didn 't think she would make it through moving . Eddie came back from the dentist - good report - just as they were preparing the bill . Now the area is clean and ready for the plumber and electrician . I was feeling tired again - it 's like watching the movers packing or loading , I watch them work and I am exhausted . What I really appreciated was how well I slept that night . I was feeling good and energetic on sunday , good thing because I spent a lot of the day cleaning out things in the cupboards and then putting them in places other than the kitchen . Eddie dropped off about 5 bags to Goodwill this morning , plus we have filled the recycle wheely bin to the top . Not sure if they are coming tomorrow or next Tuesday . Even after all that , this morning before Brad arrived I was running back and forth to literally take things out of the cupboards to make sure they were empty . I still have things in the pantry , but for the moment that is okay . However , I am going to have to find boxes or something to empty things in so I can move them when Brad paints the pantry and puts new vinyl flooring down . I thought I would sleep well last night because I was so tired - for some reason I didn 't sleep all that well , so I was tired and sore and achy when I got up in the morning . I had an appointment with Dr Cheryl for an adjustment and I was so glad . I just had a banana for breakfast and then left . She really helped this morning with my shoulder as well as my back and neck . Then I decided to go somewhere for coffee , relaxation and read my book for a while . I really need some down time now . When I came home around 12 : 30 , Brad had a lot of the cupboards down and out - the kitchen was on the back porch . The kitchen has been echoing lately and it keeps getting more pronounced with each thing removed . I went for a lie down because I wasn 't sure if I would actually sleep - I just knew I needed to rest . I heard the saw and other things but it didn 't bother me because I was so tired . So I cuddled with Bunny for two hours and it felt so good . I finally felt ready to get up , so I decided to see what Brad was doing . Wow ! He had packed most of the cabinets into his truck - he had broken them down , otherwise it wouldn 't have been possible . There are still a few things left but most of it is gone . He left us the stove and the refrigerator and had them plugged in to make it possible to use them if we wanted . We didn 't have water in the kitchen , so I filled the pot for the artichokes in the shower and later washed the few dishes in there after dinner . there will be a scramble for a while as we both find out where the other put things . I have been taking before and during photos the last few days , my sister Ellen asked if I would . I wasn 't around much to document the new bathroom , I had only been out of rehab 3 or 4 days before I moved to a hotel and Mom when to the adult family home . I was still using the wheely walker and my progress was slow and careful . Sometimes Eddie and I came by the house for him to get something , often it felt like a lot of effort to go up the walk and up the one step , then navigate through the piles . So I would wait in the car for Eddie . One thing about Brad , he is very good at cleaning up during the work and at the end of the day . Kitchen is probably cleaner than it has been for some time . He will be here later than 8 tomorrow because he plans to pick up the new back door and install it - can 't wait for that . The one we have now doesn 't shut properly and anyone can can easily break in . He is also going to take the front door locking system to see if it can be repaired - I asked how he would keep the door secure while it 's gone , so he is working on a plan . I saw Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment on Friday and mentioned how tired and dragged out I had been all week . She said she has talked to a lot of people who have felt the same way . Hmmmm , in my own self absorbed world this week , I thought I was the only one feeling that way . NEWS FLASH Sister , you are not unique in this . Maybe it is all the dust I have inhaled the past two or three weeks from the kitchen . Now we actually have money in hand for the kitchen remodel , we feel we needed to start cleaning out cupboards . I filled a box for my sister Candy with Mom 's cookbooks , she may get more than she bargained for with that box . I started another one for her with the cocoa set and some cookie cutters , plus some silverware and utensils . I put the bread machine aside as well in case she would like that . Unfortunately there are only the smoke and light blue glasses left - I broke the green one last year . I need to check with Ellen in case she has changed her mind about things . Yesterday the 1 - 800 Junk guys came and cleared out part of the basement where the electrician will need to work . I kept the Christmas decorations - hope I didn 't miss anything . I went through before they came to be sure - found some quilting stuff , the two card tables and can 't remember what else . I guess if I can 't remember or haven 't used it , I probably won 't miss it . Still have a cupboard to go through and figure out where we will store things while the remodel is in progress . More stuff to Goodwill as well . We worked a lot of the weekend and the holiday , though we also made sure we had time to rest and relax . Tuesday I found myself tired , the I went to visit Mom and that really did it to me . I went in the morning and found she had not slept well that night before - she was in bed and hardly awake . I just let her know I was there and would come back to visit . I really felt down even though my mind told me she has had lots of mornings like this , often afternoons as well . I am not sure why it hit me like that , but it did upset me . I went in the morning because the interior designer was coming at 1 . I have been going round and round trying to decide what color to paint the kitchen - my mind just went into neutral . So Mary Ellen was a great help and fun to work with . I told what I was thinking and we looked at color samples , plus I brought one of our sofa cushions up to help with the color for the living / dining room and the hall . I was thinking pale peach because I want it to feel warm and light on those cloudy , cold , rainy days . What we ended up with was the same color for the kitchen as well . I took before pictures of both the kitchen and living room - Sherwin Williams has a program on their site to see how colors look . The color sample on top is the palette , the color is the second lightest , called Creamery . The trim will be White dove , the last chip on the other sample . I am going to see if I can do a before and after picture of the wall and trim colors . The little sample on the white rectangular piece is the counter top , the white on is the cabinets . My photos aren 't the most accurate with color , because the sample is lighter . The floor covering is at the bottom , plus I took one by itself on the floor - not the bets colors either . But at least it is something to give you an idea of what we chose . We then went to the wholesale place to find counter top , backsplash and floor . While I was waiting , I could have easily crawled on the table and gone to sleep I was so tired . I don 't know what happened , maybe a combination of together ness and seeing Mom in the morning . I was like that on Wednesday , I went to Breakfast Club and had some time to wait to see Dr . Cheryl , so I parked in the Kent Station parking lot and decided to read . Instead I slept , couldn 't keep my eyes open . then I had a call from Cheryl , we had changed the appointment to 9 : 15 instead of 10 : 15 and I didn 't look at my calendar . That 's why I saw her on Friday after my haircut . I went home and knew I should do more cleaning out , but didn 't . Eddie came home from the archives and we went out to do a couple of things , then came hoe . Thursday I had my massage and although the afternoon was free , I opted for a lie down . I had had naps during the weekend but it didn 't seem to make a difference . I knew I needed to clean out more but I didn 't . Friday I saw Mom in the afternoon and she was doing well , she had slept both nights before and was alert . She was doing okay with the walker but her knees still hurt . she was using the wheelchair but Didi and Judy were concerned she would get used to it and not use the walker . I had taken an apple pie on Tuesday morning and I am sure she enjoyed it , even if she didn 't remember . 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I watched a Dutch movie late last night and it was actually enjoyable . I didn 't fall asleep during it and that is saying something . It was funny and exciting and had an all women cast and they were good too . It finished at midnight and that is when I went to bed , not bothering to read my book , but just laying down my tired head on the pillow and drifting off to sleep . I got up once to go to the toilet , but slept until 10 : 20 am . The dog was standing beside the bed wagging his stumpy tail when I woke up . Needless to say , he had been waiting for me to do so . Toby climbed all over me , because it turned out that the kibbles were all gone . It 's wonderful to feel so needed right when you wake up . I made myself a mug of coffee and then remembered that I was supposed to be at my sister 's house at 11 : 00 , so I called her to tell her I 'd be a little bit late . I had to wake up properly first . This took me about half an hour and then I had the wherewithal to get dressed and comb my hair . No make up on my face , just that freshly scrubbed look this morning . The dog was more than ready to go and off we went , I in my jeans jacket , for which it really was too warm , but I needed the pockets for various items . My sister made cappuccinos and we sat out in her garden which is beautiful right now with all sorts of plants tall and blooming . She 's got one heck of a tree that 's trained to form a straight across canopy and has enormous leaves . I 'll take pictures of it the next time . The hedges are green and bountiful and so are all the bushes and the lobelia was bright blue . It 's a very pleasant place to sit and have a coffee and a chat , which went effortlessly this time , because you don 't shop where the store is closed ! That 's my mantra . We also decided to take the dogs for a walk and went around the neighborhood and saw many great flowering plants and tremendously green trees . It actually looks like it has been this way forever and not just a month at the most . I try to take it all in and remember every detail that I see , but it is so much andPosted by The time is indefinite , so I can post this whenever I get done with it . Maybe it will take me a while to write this it or maybe I 'll write it in one fell swoop . You never know in the weekends . The days aren 't that exciting and I usually have to find a subject to write about that 's not so current . I like the fact that the days of the weekend aren 't exciting , after all the eventful days of the week . It 's good to have a mindless break and to sleep a lot and to be a little bit lazy and unorganized . I slept really well last night , but I just took a nap on the sofa , which was nice , as the dog slept beside me and we both got up at the right time for me to take him for a walk . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 've been thinking about what wears me out so much and I think it is the three hours of ergo therapy . You sit in a group of eight people plus the therapist and a lot goes on and some of it are underlying dislikes between members of the group . We just got two new members in the group and we are very weary about one of them and two of us , led by me , have aired our concerns in the group . Whatever is discussed in the group , is supposed to stay inside the group and we had noticed this person was not sticking to these rules . We had also noticed that she very loudly discussed very intimate details of her own life out on the deck , where everyone could hear them . So there was some concern on our part about our safety inside the group with this new person there . This woman is what you may call a very common woman . She speaks very loudly and very exaggeratedly and fabricates some details of her stories to make herself look more victimized . On Wednesday , I caught her in an out and out lie and the person who could back me up wasn 't there , but she , with a stone cold face , pretended that I had made something up in front of the therapist and the whole group . I think she has made herself immensely unpopular and now I don 't know how we as a group can go on as uninhibited as we have . We obviously have a problem . I don 't feel free enough to discuss my iPosted by Finally , after a day of mostly sleeping , I am beginning to feel like a human being again . My arms and legs are functioning and so is my brain and I can think straight without having my eyes fall shut . I slept in the morning and I slept in the afternoon , on the sofa , lest I became really confused and thought it was nighttime , and I must have really needed that sleep , because the earth could have moved and I wouldn 't have noticed it . I did go to creative therapy this morning , but once I was there , working on my sculpture , I realized that I really wanted to be home , sound asleep . Our creative therapist is still on vacation , so our head therapist was taking her place , which was opportune , because I could discuss my schedule with her right away . As she can see that I 'm so tired a lot of the time , we 've decided that I 'm going to drop Thursday morning therapy and see if that will make a difference . I think that 's a good idea , because that 's the day I struggle with most . I was home at 10 am and laid down on the sofa and was asleep in no time . I woke up at 12 : 30 to walk the dog and take my medicines and to see if I was sharp enough to keep my appointment with Von . Unfortunately , I had to cancel that and after I walked the dog and piddled around behind the computer for a little while , I went back to sleep on the sofa and slept for most of the afternoon . Oh , I don 't want this to be a litany on how much I slept . It 's just that I 'm so tired all the time . My therapist asked me if I was getting depressed , but I don 't think I am . I 'm not jumping up and down for joy , but I 'm not stuck in a pothole either . My arms and my legs feel heavy , as if I have to drag them through life , but once I 'm on my bike , I do pedal and move forward , at least as long as the pedals co - operate . I move slowly . I do everything in slow motion . And I lean to the left . I did check my glucose levels three times and they were fine . I have started drinking a multi vitamin juice three times a day and I 'm even eating some meat . I forgot to buy eggs , but I 'm planning Posted by Let me be the first to congratulate myself on a halfway decent day , survived with just enough energy to spare to do the few things I told myself I had to do , because , let me tell you , my butt was dragging this morning and I could hardly move off the sofa once I sat down with my mug of coffee and my first cigarette . My limbs were sore and my shoulders ached and all in all I felt that gravity would get the better of me and drag me down to the floor , where I would lie like a sack of potatoes , never to get up again . I was expecting the representative from the domestic help at 1 pm and my apartment didn 't look so good . Of course , it wasn 't supposed to look good , that 's why I am getting help , but there are degrees of not looking good , if you know what I mean . I do have some amount of housewife pride in me and I wanted the kitchen and the bathroom cleaned up of their worst messes anyway , but had no idea how I was going to manage that in the half hour between the time I got home from therapy and the appointment . So , I made an executive decision and canceled my therapies for this morning and breathed a sigh of relief . I was so beat anyway , that I wasn 't up to getting dressed within the next hour and hopping on my bike to get there and joyfully make music . I think five mornings and two afternoons is too much therapy for me , because I always need a breather after Wednesdays . I feel like I 've run the New York Marathon and finished last and took ten hours to run it , on my knees . Well , I 'm exaggerating a little bit , but that is to get my point across . I 'm just plain tired on Thursday mornings and only want to sit for the first four hours or so . Drag my butt from one sitting surface to the next and do no unnecessary walking . Only raise my hands high enough to take a sip of my coffee and a drag of my cigarette . And wear no shoes , because my little toe hurts and wear no clothes , because my pajamas are so comfortable . So , after a long while , I finally washed every dish in the place and got them spotlessly clean and scrubbed the kitchePosted by More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I 'm beat . I don 't even have the energy to go to the store and I 'm eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets . I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy . All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up , because I was seriously dragging my butt , going there straight from my dance therapy . It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all . I 've just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable . Not that people all have uncomplicated lives , but somehow it all seems manageable . There are no catastrophes out there . At least none that I 'm aware of . We all have our difficulties , but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard . I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that . About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again . I suppose the answer to that is different for every person , but maybe much more alike than different for all of us . I notice that in all of my groups , that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns . It 's like we all read a big book somewhere that said , under these conditions you act that way . So much of it is very predictable . The beginning , the middle , the end , if it ever comes , all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you 're a patient long enough , and know a lot of things , you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist . I do have to point out that I say almost . That 's very important . You never get as smart as . Patients lack the objecPosted by It 's time to wake up and I 'm endeavoring to do so with my second mug of coffee , It is slow going this morning , but one way I always wake up quickly is by writing a post , but then I must remind you to read last night 's post , because it will give you more entertaining information than I will give you now . Now I will only give you the murmurings of an early morning , not quite awake woman . I had a wonderful sleep in my new tastefully decorated bedroom , giving me hope for many good nights of sleep . It 's so cozy to lay down in there on the newly made bed and have a good look around at everything . I don 't even have to read , I just sort of drift off into a deep sleep and am gone from this world . Somewhere along the line , I start having my crazy dreams , even there in that bedroom , so my vivid imagination is still intact . I dreamed Rod Steward picked me up in his open sports car and drove around town with me . That 's just part of the dream , I won 't tell you the rest . It 's rated X and involved several movie stars . I always dream big . Excuse the pun . It may have been a Freudian slip . I 've put the food down for the dog and he is looking at it from 3 feet distance . The cats have been by to taste some of it and the dog hardly growled . Now , this is the old food , so maybe that is why , but he is showing no interest in eating it . As a matter of fact , he is almost falling asleep . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I had to stop writing , because I realized there were all sorts of things I had to do before I was off to my creative therapy class , which included getting dressed and walking the dog , who finally ate his food . I had to pick my clothes with care , because the weatherman had predicted cool temperatures and rain , so I wore my jeans skirt and thicker leggings with my boots and a tank top with a light cardigan over it . At first this turned out to be too warm , but then a wind kicked up and it became stormy and when I left creative therapy , I was caught in a huge rain storm which soaked me to the bone . It was very pleasant ! Creative therapy was fun . Posted by It 's been a long and happy day at the ranch and its outlying grazing grounds . Well actually , it isn 't really over yet , but I 'm pretending that it is and I 'm calling it a day , although I may have to take the dog for one more walk . It will be a sauntering jaunt around the inner circle of the property , though . Yeah , as if those green fields belong to me only and not to the whole darn neighborhood . Well , I can pretend I 'm the owner and cast a proud eye on the clover and the buttercups that grow so sprightly in the grass . Hell , I can pretend anything I want , as long as I don 't share it with too many people . They may start having doubts about the soundness of my mind . In between everything else I 've done today , I 've decorated my bedroom and made it a place of my own , which I had never done with the other bedroom . I got all the things I cared about the most together and artfully arranged them on the shelves of the white bookcase and on the shelves of the wooden shelf system that stayed in my room and was the nicest and sturdiest one , which I found out after the Exfactor and I unloaded the thing . I know a good deal when I see it and how to confiscate something worth while . I have Aims ' bear and Tessa 's print and all the other things that are precious to me , plus lots of framed photographs of the kids and the grandson . The Exfactor hung up my two big framed movie posters and I hung up four small framed collages that you haven 't seen and I made a long time ago . Then I sat down in one of the rattan chairs and had a good look around and was satisfied . The walls badly need a coat of paint , but I 'm very good at ignoring that for now . I look past that and at the things I like . Home sweet home . I got up bright and early this morning and was in the shower by 7 am . I finally figured out how to get the shower head to point in the proper direction and it was actually very simple once you knew how and very obvious . I saw a knob which I turned and that did the trick . Surprisingly enough , the Exfactor with his mechanical brain had not figPosted by If you 're looking for your award , you have to go down one post and you will find it there . If not , you 're in the right place for some leisurely reading . This afternoon , The Exfactor and I were supposed to move almost everything from my bedroom to the spare bedroom and move all the junk from there to my bedroom . In other words , we were going to exchange rooms , but he called me at 12 : 30 pm to tell me that his back was still bothering him and that he would be by instead tomorrow when I 'm hardly going to be home . So I said , " Never mind , I 'll do it myself , " and promptly made a plan of action and went to work . First I moved my own furniture out of the way , to make room for the first of the boxes and other junk that was sitting in the middle of the spare room . Then I started hauling that over and stacking it in a rational way against a wall . That cleared up all the floor space in the spare room and I saw that I would have to do an awful lot of vacuuming , because I could hardly see the carpet for the grit and dog and cat hair and other assorted little bits and pieces that were unidentifiable . It had also been the Exfactor 's hobby room . Then I started taking the boxes of assorted items out of their shelf systems and brought those to the bedroom , very carefully one by one , easy does it . Every time a shelf system was empty , I took it to the bedroom and stood it against the wall and filled it up again , trying to do this in the most logical way , with all the heavy stuff on the bottom . I did this five times with little breaks and glasses of juice in between . Finally , I had the spare room almost empty , except for one shelf system for which I could not find room and that also has some of my things on it . I am going to look at those items in a while and give them a better place . There won 't be much left on it after that and the Exfactor should be able to move it out tomorrow . Then I had to get rid of all the cobwebs , which were numerous , and vacuum the carpet really well . I took my time doing that and I got it cleaned up very nicely . IPosted by Before I forget to do this , as if I would forget , right , I have to post this very nice award I have gotten from Tessa Edwards and if you click on her name you can read for yourself the reasons why I got it . The very difficult part is passing this award on to other people , because I do want to limit myself to some extent and not make the list endlessly long . So here I go . I want to pass on this award to the WiseWebWoman , to Aims , to Crystal Jigsaw , to Grit , to Jo Beaufoix , to Jeannette , to Maggie , to Potty Mum , to Laurie , to John Mora , to Violet Sky and to Cheryl . There , that was a lot of work , but I think I have chosen well and I hope the recipients are as happy with the award as I was . I think it 's a real beauty . In the meantime , it 's well into Sunday morning and I 'm still in my pajamas . The dog is very lazily digesting his food on his blanket under the coffee table . I bought him some different dog food and he likes it so much , that he growls extra hard at Toby and Gandhi , who don 't dare even come close to his dish . This dog food has chunks of real meat in it and the dog thinks he has died and gone to heaven . At least , that 's how I am interpreting it . My older sister called me a while ago and we discussed the situation of ourselves and that of the country in general . With the way the economic crisis is being handled , you can imagine what that conversation sounded like . She has her own business and things are very tough . I think my sister lives under a great deal of daily stress and she has high blood pressure , so I do worry about her a lot . Maybe I already mentioned that before . I worry about her general health and think she needs a complete check up . I wish I could give her an award . I am not going to make this a long post , because I have to notify the recipients of the award and then walk the dog and clean up the kitchen . The Exfactor is coming over to help me change my bedroom around . I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday and that it lives up to its name . Ciao . . . The dog just ate and now he is sound asleep , digesting his food , which gives me a little bit of time to sit here and write a short post . Yes , I 've got my coffee and cigarettes , so I 'm all set . I 've got a regular routine now at night . I put my pajamas on in the evening and watch the 8 o ' clock news and try not to fall asleep . Sooner or later I do , but then around 11 pm I wake up and take my medicines and shut off all the lights and go to bed where I luxuriate in the feeling of my head on the pillow and my body under the duvet . Within two minutes I 'm asleep again and stay asleep until I have to go to the toilet . Even then I don 't give in to the temptation to stay up , but go back to bed and almost instantly fall asleep again . I think I have discovered the fine art of sleeping . The thing is , that you mustn 't be stubborn and at any point think that you are done sleeping , until it is truly morning and really time to get up and if you have the day off , you can roll over one more time and sleep a little bit more . Probably most of you already knew this , but it is news to me , because I thought every time I woke up , it was time to get up and I had gotten so used to this , that my sleep schedule was completely messed up . Today promises to be another lovely day . That is if you like warm temperatures and lots of sunshine . Now , a little bit of that goes a long way , I think , so more of this isn 't necessary for me . I don 't mind some clouds in the sky and a little bit of wind . The sun doesn 't have to shine nonstop for me . It 's going to be 21 degrees Celsius today . That is 70 degrees Fahrenheit . I think that is a temperature I can be comfortable with . At least it leaves you with enough options in what to wear . You can be as lightly dressed as you want to be or do it in layers , and wear shoes or boots , but still wear leggings . I dream my most interesting dreams after I 've been awake and have gone back to sleep . I dreamed of a very fanatic preacher who proclaimed , " Every time you commit a sin , hairs fall out of my beard ! " And I said , " So whaPosted by After falling asleep on the sofa last night , I did get up at about 11 pm and make it to my bed where I continued sleeping almost instantly until 9 am this morning . I thought that was pretty darn good and it was nice of the dog to let me sleep in , although I could have done with another hour or so . I didn 't turn on the computer right away , which is unusual for me , but decided to wake up with only a mug of coffee and my own thoughts and the company of the dog . I wanted to see how relaxed I could be if I had nothing to divert me and nowhere to go . Well , I didn 't quite pass that test as I got rather nervous and started to get my shaky leg syndrome , which I get when I 'm unsettled , so I busied myself with making cigarettes and then I got dressed and took the dog for a walk . Diversion is a much better thing . I wore my summer dress and didn 't have any pockets , so I had to carry my keys and the baggies in my hands , plus the handle of the leash and then when the dog did his business it was a bit of a juggling act , but it all worked out in the end and I didn 't throw my keys in the dog poop container , which very easily could have happened . The dog is oblivious of my struggles and just pulls at the leash while I 'm juggling various items . When I got home , I turned on the computer until it was time to fix my face and my hair and catch the bus downtown to meet Von on the Our Dear Lady Square . The weather was great and it felt like summertime and it was busy downtown and a lot of the tables were taken , but there were some free chairs here and there and we found some at the table of two English ladies , which meant we could talk about anything we wanted . Unfortunately , they ordered lunch and it looked so delicious , that we were both practically drooling , but I can 't eat that and Von is on a diet . They had a bowl of fries with their lunch and I said to Von , " Why don 't we just beg for some of their fries ? They won 't eat them all . " Von looked at me as if I had lost all my marbles . Luckily , our tea and cappuccino came with some goodies and IPosted by Alright , I 've taken a power nap on the sofa and I 've walked the dog , so now we 'll see if I can come up with anything sensible . I may have to go back to the sofa and power nap some more , but we 'll cross that bridge when we get there . I actually power napped for a long time , so you shouldn 't see it as one short burst of a nap . It was just very immediate and intense and that 's why I call it a power nap . I lie down and am almost immediately sound asleep . You 'd have to shoot off a cannon to wake me up and I stay asleep until I just as suddenly wake up and get up immediately as if I never slept at all . Those first few minutes determine my mood and in that time I can become happy or sad . If I become sad , there is only one thing to do and that is to sleep some more . I am on the verge right now of being unhappy and it is not something inside of me that is making me so , but I am unhappy because of how the ergo therapy went yesterday morning . I think it was too intense and too emotional and too dangerous and somehow I feel that I am implicated in it , although I know this isn 't true , but because I am the bearer of some knowledge that the rest of the group does not bear , I feel a certain amount of responsibility . You see , I know a very awful story about one of my co - patients that she just shared with me herself in the strictest confidence and yesterday , the therapist , who also knows the story , tried to get this patient to tell this story to the group , using me as an example of why it would be possible , because of the patient 's extreme fear that she would be ostracized by the group if she told them the story . I iterated to her how this knowledge made her not repulsive to me , but how it made me care about her more and made me respect her more . The therapist made me repeat that , so the patient would understand that very well . Anyway , the whole thing became very emotional , and another patient walked out , and in the end the story was not told and now maybe never will be , although it should , but it should not be forced out of her . The paPosted by Well , darn it , now it is a holiday and that 's the same as if it were a Sunday and there is nowhere to go . So , I have to make my own amusement and what better way to amuse myself than to write a post . Of course , I do have to come up with something to write about , but with my imagination , that shouldn 't be too difficult . Not that I make anything up , of course . I wouldn 't do a thing like that . You mustn 't think that I have forgotten about yesterday , because I 'm as special today as I was then . Only just now I 'm sitting here in my pajamas and it 's a little bit more difficult to be regal in my pajamas without make up and a well styled hairdo than it is when I 'm all put together . That 's why I don 't show myself to the world this way and only go to the back door to let the dog out , who is now snoring beside me with his one eye half open . Is there a better subject in your blog to talk about than yourself ? You could talk about the economic crisis or world poverty or the Mexican Flu , but really , the most interesting subject is yourself . It 's the thing you know the most about and that you care the most about , in all honesty . I could write in endless fascination about myself and never get bored or finished . I would always find some detail to discuss with you , some area of my life that has not been talked about enough . Right now I am completely fascinated by the knowledge of my specialness . By my uniqueness . By my possessing those qualities that set me apart from everybody else and I feel exalted and elevated above the crowd . I will never walk through life as a gray shadow again , but will always be a presence to be aware of and made room for . It is the same awareness I had as a child of feeling unique on the playground amongst all the other children and knowing that I , standing on that spot , was more special than anybody else around me and that the grown ups knew this and talked about it amongst themselves . That 's how convinced I was of that . Of course , somewhere along the line they try to beat the conviction out of you , but some oPosted by We had one hell of an ergo therapy session this morning . It was like we were thrown before the lions and had to be brave and come out as victors without even any tears in our clothes . You see , we didn 't have our regular therapist who is all kind and motherly and soothing . She is on a week 's vacation . We had a therapist who went right for the jugular , which I liked , none of this wishy washy stuff , but straight at it , no holds barred . Within two minutes she had each person pegged down and analyzed and confronted with themselves and then made them declare themselves and dared them to say out loud what they were afraid to . It was hot and heavy and led to some steamy emotions that sometimes went over the top , but boy , it was good . Afterwards , it felt like we had been in a knock down , drag out fight with all of our wits called upon to stay as sharp as they could to dodge the quick punches from the left and the right . We went far beyond the call of duty and some couldn 't handle it , but I thought it was great . I like those kinds of things , I like the confrontation . I 'm not scared of it . As it was , I got to be someone 's champion who really needed it and I almost helped her over a ledge that was very high and steep , but I couldn 't push her . That would have been unfair , because I was in a position of power . It 's somewhat frustrating to be so riled up about this morning and to not be able to tell you any details , but I can 't , because whatever I hear between those four walls , stays there and I don 't discuss it with anybody else , no matter how much space it takes up in my head . I have to figure it all out on my own and live with it all by myself until the next session . Now my therapies are all done for this week , because tomorrow is Ascension Day and the following day is a holiday too . That means a four day weekend and I think that 's awfully long . Too long , but there isn 't a thing I can do about it . It has been decreed so . I don 't know whose bright idea it was , but I think they should have checked with me first . After all , I 'm secoPosted by I am pleasantly established in my chair here with a mug of decaf and my inevitable cigarette , home made of strong tobacco , and I 've just walked the dog for the last time today , which is good , because my little toe is hurting . Toby is staring out the window and Gandhi is curled up by the teddy bear . Peace reigns and all is quiet . I 've stopped being so awfully tired all the time since I 've quit taking the Temazepam and I now can easily last the whole day without taking a nap . I 'm not yawning in the middle of the afternoon and have energy left to do things . Today I pedaled straight from creative therapy to the tobacco shop and missed the Exfactor by minutes . He had been by and left a note saying he had a sore back from mowing his lawns and that he would be back tomorrow . I hope his back recovers quickly , because he 's supposed to help me exchange my bedroom on Sunday . That 's the plan anyway . He thinks it 's going to be an easy chore , but then he 's the optimist and I 'm the realist . I had a lovely day today and woke up in my bed after having fallen asleep on the sofa with the TV on . Sometime during the night I made the switch . The bed is really much more comfortable than the sofa on which om right arm always dangles of the side and swells up my hand . Also my face gets squashed on the sofa cushion and I get wrinkles in it . It 's not a pretty sight and I have to use lots of cold water to try and get rid of them . Like I said , I had creative therapy again today , but in a different room and with a different therapist . I made a print with my lino cut again that wont fit in the press , so after inking it very well and putting it face down on the paper , I sat on it . I figured my weight would be enough to make a good print and I was right . It turned out well . Now it has to dry a long time before I can take it home , but I 've taken a picture of it and one of these days I 'll download it and show you it , Not today , because I 've only got that one picture to download . After that , I decided to doodle , since almost everybody else was doodling Posted by There 's an ambulance parked outside my living room windows and I didn 't even notice it pull up there , so it didn 't come with a siren . Now the big mystery is why is it here ? Which neighbor is in trouble ? Well , apparently nobody , because the ambulance personnel just came out without a person on the gurney and pushed it back into the ambulance and left . It must have been a false alarm . Mmm . . . stuff happens around here and you never know why or how and what for . Very interesting . Well , that was a small diversion this afternoon . At least nothing serious happened . I 'm sitting here with my diet Coke , burping very ladylike every once in a while because of the carbonation , but since I 'm the only one here , I figure it 's okay and I can let them happen . I was up briefly at 3 am and sent some emails , but had enough sense to go back to sleep until the alarm clock woke me . For a change , I was wide awake when it did and I needed only one mug of coffee to get me kick started . Nowadays , that is a record and unheard of . I need thirty minutes to get myself put together . The dog waits patiently by the bathroom door . He 's full of excitement when I turn the light off , because it means we 're going for a walk . I stuff baggies in my pocket and my keys and off we go on our regular round . The Überhund ignores all the other dogs we meet , unless it is a new one and then he wants to find out if it 's a boy or a girl . You know how dogs do that . But after the first meeting he has no interest in them whatsoever . Not even if they very happily run up to him with their tails wagging . I had creative therapy today and made it over there on time to sit on the deck and have an espresso . The weather was fairly nice , but I had my jacket on . Sitting on the deck is nice , except that there aren 't enough benches to sit on and I guess nobody finds it necessary to put some more out there . There are always people leaning against the windowsills and the railings . I was stuck on my sculpture last week and could not figure out the other side of it and how to finish it , butPosted by I 'm having a wonderful mug of coffee and my inevitable cigarette and the Überhund is momentarily distracted while licking his paw . That means he has forgotten the myriad of things he wants me to do for him in the morning . Sometimes he is just a spoiled dog who doesn 't know what he wants and decides to be fussy just for the hell of it . Either that , or we 're having a big misunderstanding , which is just as likely , because I 'm preoccupied and not paying the correct amount of attention . Before I forget and before I do anything else , I want to post this photograph of my friend Von , so you will all know who I hang out with every Friday afternoon . It 's always nice to put a face to the name , isn 't it ? The fact that this is a very attractive face helps . Von is tall and skinny and when she walks downtown with her greyhound she turns quite a few heads . They are a perfect match . She turns heads without the greyhound too . I fell asleep on the sofa and just continued sleeping there , even after I woke up at 3 am to go to the toilet . It 's me and that sofa again , or I should say , me and that bed , which I have such a hard time sleeping in . I must change bedrooms quickly and not even wait for the paint on the walls . I have such a dislike for my bedroom , that I don 't like sleeping in it . That 's not good . I 'll have to call the Exfactor today and see when he has time to help me change it around . In the meantime , I 've fed and walked the dog and now he is quite happily snoring on the floor beside me . Of course , I wasn 't at all well put together . My hair was pointing in all directions and I had no make up on , but I couldn 't be bothered just to walk the dog . It would be the height of vanity to get all dolled up for that early in the morning . The poor dog already was impatient enough . We had the European Song Festival on TV last night and although I started watching it , I fell asleep very soon into it and have no idea who won . The Netherlands didn 't even make it through the half finales , which was not surprising , because it was a very bad song . Posted by As I was saying , when I was so rudely interrupted by my sleepiness last night , I had a fun time with Von . We sat under the canopy of the café , while it rained out in the street , and I drank cappuccinos and had no desire for a beer , because my mood was so good that I saw no need to alter it . Von said that I was in such a good mood that it was radiating off me and she was almost afraid to sit next to me , that 's how strong it was . I do have to add that I had been very down lately , so there definitely is a difference . I think the fact that I 've cut down on the Temazepam during the day has given me a lot of energy also , I 'm not half asleep all the time anymore . Yesterday I didn 't take any during the day and I was fine and I haven 't had any today yet either . I do take 20 mg at night to help me sleep , so some sort of equilibrium exists . I was feeling great and the weather wasn 't getting me down at all . We had a perfect spot and sat next to some Flemish women , who spoke in a dialect that was so thick , that they sounded like they came from a Slavic country . They spoke Dutch to the waiter , though , with their neat accents . When Von and I parted , it was still raining and there was nothing else to do but get on my bike and ride it home as quickly as possible , without trying to hit confused , wandering into the streets tourists . They are a menace to all traffic , but I would have a real accident if I hit one of them . I didn 't shop . How about that ? I 'm such a penny pincher right now . I think twice before I spend any money and then only on what is necessary . Which reminds me that I have to go to the store today . Oh heck , I 'm so not in the mood for that . Well , it 's only for a few things . The Exfactor was here this morning to look at the shower head , but couldn 't fix it . The attachment that holds it up can 't be tightened , so I will have to call the fix it people whom I have a contract with for these kinds of home repairs . They 'll probably replace the whole thing , which would be fine with me . The Überhund has become super alert lately andPosted by My hair is a little bit disheveled from getting rained on a bit three times this afternoon , but it doesn 't matter , because I 'm in my pajamas now and I walked the dog for the last time and nobody is going to see me now . Besides , I don 't look all that bad , just a little bit rained on and I can fix it in the morning when I have the energy , because I am starting to yawn now and that means it 's getting close to bedtime . I don 't want it to be close to bedtime , because I 'm having a splendid day and I want it to last just a little bit longer . At least another hour or so , but I 'm getting the distinct impression that I 'm not going to last that long , unless I drink a mug of regular coffee and I don 't want to do that . I have decided to drink more decaf and I am gong to stick to that decision . I am trying to not move up and down the energy ladder too artificially too much . I had a great time at creative therapy this morning painting my sculpture that was done and I took all morning getting it done , because the therapist wasn 't there to give me good input , so I had to do it on my own as good and as bad as I could . It was quite a job , but I think in the end it turned out okay , and then I promptly gave it away to someone who had been coveting it from the start very much and who had been in love with the whole design all along . So , when I was done I said , " There , do you like it ? If so , then it is yours . " Of course , he was very happy with it and I didn 't mind , because it is not one of my favorite sculptures that I made and there are others coming to take its place . It reminded him of some of the buildings he had seen in Istanbul and the tulip shapes of some of the domes . He was very taken with Istanbul and that is why he liked this sculpture so much . So , I did a good deed and made somebody happy today . After that , it was homeward bound for a good fifteen minute rest before I took the Überhund for his walk . I fed him his Butcher 's first and had some coffee while he ate . His chief motivation to eat seems to be to prevent the cats from ePosted by |
Moira Crone has six books , most recently What Gets Into Us , and the forthcoming speculative novel , " The Not Yet . ( 2012 ) . Former director of the Creative Writing Program at LSU , she won the Robert Penn Warren Award for Fiction from the Southern Fellowship of Writers for the body of her work in 2009 . Her writings have been selected for New Stories From The South The Year 's Best five times , and appeared in over a dozen other anthologies , as well as magazines The New Yorker , and Oxford American . " Small Silver Horse " is part of an in - progress Post - Katrina collection working title , Reconstruction . Not so long ago , on the banks of the Mississippi , Charlotte Avery Cole felt a sudden convulsiveness in her breast . She was terrified . When she doubled over and began to gag , witnesses thought she might be close to death . The presence of Alice Night was the proximate cause for the attack . The true reason was more than fifty years in formation . It was the fall of 2005 : Charlotte had come to live in the city of New Orleans only a few weeks after The Storm , as natives had started to call it , because its given name was too limited . The Storm was a process , a lacuna in everyone 's life , a period of wandering , loss , discovery , heat , strangeness , and difficulty in breathing . It was a walk in the underworld . The old order did not apply : whole houses had floated off their foundations and now slumped in the middle of the streets ; toppled stoplights blinked randomly from the gutter ; people burst into tears when asked the simplest questions . At the time , Charlotte couldn 't have articulated why she decided to dwell in the zone of the disaster . Her husband claimed she was running away from her real situation . She would have countered there was nothing real about her situation . Just before her attack , Charlotte had been sitting on a bench in a park overlooking the Mississippi . Nearby , on a riverside stage , a " Thanksgiving Concert " had attracted a small , disconsolate crowd . An R & B singer wore a bright sail of a yellow dress , and a turban - but her voice was weak , and her band , half missing . The only person in the scene who looked genuinely cheerful , in fact , to Charlotte , was Alice Night , her former tenant . When she spied her at the edge of the gathering , Charlotte pulled up the hoodie she had taken to wearing in the uncertain streets , and slumped down into the bench , to hide . Ten years before , Charlotte and her husband , Minton , had bought a house on Esplanade Avenue in New Orleans . They " inherited " Alice , who was already renting the small studio cottage in the backyard . Charlotte wanted to evict her immediately but Alice had a good lease . She also had a boyfriend , Victor , a lanky , curly - haired fellow who could have been cast as Ichabod Crane . He was pocked - marked , a slob , and divorced . He had a boy , called " Little Vic , " and custody two weekends a month . The ex - wife lived in the suburbs and dropped off her son at Alice 's on Fridays , where the boy would wait for his father while Alice fed him cookies . Victor usually showed up at seven , in time for dinner . Victor 's ex - wife went to a church so big you could see it from the interstate : a round building with a wriggly spire in the middle like a cocktail swizzle stick . It remained a going congregation even after its pastor was caught coming out of a motel in broad daylight with a girl who looked fifteen . The photo was on all the newscasts . About a month after the scandal broke , the pastor emerged from seclusion to go on TV to confess and cry like a baby . Many people forgave him but Charlotte would not . This place , New Orleans , she thought at the time . Charlotte came from Northern Mississippi where some things went without saying . In her hometown , the pastor would have had the decency to go away quietly . The child , Little Vic , who also attended the swizzle stick church , had a morbid fear of several things , among them , sin . For an eight - year - old , Charlotte thought , he was a nervous wreck . Once , Charlotte and Minton had taken him on a trip with their little girl Belle to a water park - Minton 's idea . Charlotte saw this as charity . The boy and Belle went on the huge slide , and not long after , Little Vic said he had to be sick . He absolutely would not throw up . He swallowed , he moaned , he held his mouth tightly closed , turned yellow - green . He wouldn 't do it . Finally he turned to Minton and asked to be taken to the gentlemen 's . There , Little Vic confessed that he had done bad things , and now God was punishing him with a bellyache . He 'd taken a crayon from Sunday school . He had stolen a toy from Belle without even meaning to ! He 'd found it in his pocket when he got home ! It was hardly a toy : it was a small , silver horse that had been a piece in a game called Destiny he had played at the backyard picnic table with Belle . Destiny involved advancing pieces around the board , and acquiring things and experiences , and sometimes losing them . Charlotte had kept it from her own childhood . It was a precursor to the more popular Careers . She loved the small silver horse token - whenever she had that , she won , or got the advantage . If she had the shoe or the train car , she couldn 't be so sure . Her daughter enjoyed the game as well , and often won , the same as her mother . There were lots of lucky cards . The items considered signs of good fortune were spouses , children , homes , high paying or fantastic jobs , fame , wishes unspecified . A Vacation in Hawaii was one of the very highest prizes . Now and then , of course , you pulled a card that took everything away . One said Civil Judgment : Pay DEBT of your whole net worth . Another , EXTREME PERSONAL REVERSALS : GIVE all your bounty to the poorest player . One time , in the backyard on Esplanade , when Belle had got the " reversals " card , she burst into tears over the loss of her imaginary assets and threw the silver horse , which was also her favorite token , at Little Vic . Then , her knee hit the table , accidentally on purpose , disturbing the whole game . The boy didn 't blame her ; in fact , he was just as upset as she was about it . The game was mean , he said . Belle shouldn 't have to suffer ; she was too pretty , he claimed , as he crawled around , trying to pick all the pieces and paper money out of the grass . He was distracted by Belle 's distress , and that 's when he 'd pocketed the token , the " toy . " " It was like the Exorcist with this little boy , " Minton said at dinner parties , later , when he talked about that day at the water park . He liked the story , the incidence of transformation . In his last attempt at resistance to throwing up , Little Vic had cursed , called Charlotte and Minton filthy names - accused them of having put a " voodoo stinking spell " on him because they were Catholic , which they weren 't . Where he got any of this , Minton had no idea , possibly his mother , who was rigidly pious . But then , after every expletive was spent , after he dug in his pants for the tiny horse , after he tattled on himself in every way , after he threw the token down in a final defiance , the boy finally hurled . When he emerged from the men 's room with Minton , the child was handsome , serene . His innocence returned . It was as if the entire mad tirade had come from a demon he 'd purged . He was a different little boy , after . There was a patio in the backyard beside the cottage . Minton said Alice had a right to use it . He was a lawyer ; he had read the lease . As long as they had a tenant , they would lose part of the yard . Charlotte thought a pool would look good right there on that patio : Alice 's could become a cabana . Minton didn 't want the attractive nuisance . Swimming pools and lawsuits were two concepts inextricably linked in his mind . They fought about it . Charlotte lost . Alice invariably barbequed when the Victors were visiting . Charlotte often looked down on them from her kitchen window . Big Victor never lifted a finger to help . He just sat at the table and smoked while his son sipped a coke or colored pictures and ate the cookies Alice provided . On these occasions , Alice usually wore a striped V - neck sundress with short kimono - style sleeves big enough for her thick arms , which emphasized their girth - a mistake , Charlotte thought . Alice laughed at whatever inane thing her boyfriend said . He was an accountant for a small IT business in Metairie . It was a job to find him interesting , Charlotte believed . Much less , cook for him and watch his neurotic child while he disappeared for long stretches every weekend , which he invariably did . He would say he wanted a six - pack of Dixie beer , but he 'd be gone for two hours . From time to time Charlotte considered that Dixie beer was not that rare on Esplanade Avenue - something was wrong with the picture . Charlotte thought a great deal about appearances in those days . All the women she grew up with were concerned with externals - it was normal . She was sure there was such a thing as natural beauty . She thought Alice would get farther with Victor if she didn 't try so hard , or paint her face so much . She believed Alice had a few good features : natural auburn hair , with glints , and nice , though narrow , green eyes . Even if she were eager , Alice should appear indifferent . But Charlotte couldn 't violate the proper distance between landlady and tenant by giving advice , so her words of wisdom , which were about keeping one 's self aloof , had to be cancelled : because she believed in them , she couldn 't impart . Many times in life in those days , actually , Charlotte ran into conundrums like that one . It made it difficult for her to do things - work , for example . She was too good for the jobs she was qualified for , and her station in life made it difficult to learn how to do anything , to start as a lowly beginner . She was aware of this contradiction but , since she was who she was , she felt she couldn 't do anything about it . It would amount to stooping , coming down from her proper place . And after all , why would she want to be anyone else ? She 'd gotten so far in the world being Charlotte Avery Cole . Except , somehow , it wasn 't enough - secretly , she knew this , but she didn 't know what to do about it . She had everything she was supposed to want . She was a bit ashamed she wasn 't happy . After they 'd been on Esplanade a while , Charlotte started working out with the wives of Minton 's partners , doing spinning and Pilates . Eventually , she dropped two dress sizes . She had hoped that would make her feel better . Then she got the idea of giving her hand - me - down dresses to her tenant - they were size eights and sixes , very stylish , still . She came to the door and explained her new regime to Alice - perhaps she would be inspired ? In a gesture that was threaded through with distance , she handed her old clothes over . Alice was grateful , and told Charlotte how beautiful she looked lately . Charlotte was elated , for a few minutes . Minton said it didn 't matter what size Charlotte was , or how she dressed for dinner parties . Minton didn 't know what was really important , Charlotte didn 't think . New Orleans wanted something from you . Drama might be the word for it - or , performance . People had the habit once a year of dressing up like characters from their fantasies and parading through the streets in satin masks , with crowns and huge medallions and silly buckled shoes . Of thinking this was fun , par for the course , when in fact nobody else in the rest of the entire world that Charlotte knew of acted that way . New Orleanians were uniquely showy . But , when in Rome - not long after she gave her cast - off garments to Alice , Charlotte bought a new flashy strapless dress to wear to Minton 's law firm 's Twelfth Night functions . She accessorized with jet beads and thick mascara . Charlotte was a wide - faced brunette whose looks were much improved by eye makeup , but even when she went all out , plenty of women at the party looked better than she did . She had to admit it . In the car , going home , she was disappointed . To make matters worse , that night , Minton told her he was going to Indonesia for three weeks . Something to do with a company that had hired his firm to work out oil leases . He said he was sorry ; he would miss her and Belle . The problem with Alice started almost as soon as Minton left . Deliveries . Lots of them . Boxes every single day , without respite . United Parcel Service men ringing and ringing and ringing the doorbell , at all hours , even when Charlotte was in the bath . No matter how she tried to emphasize that Alice 's address was 2942 and a half Esplanade Avenue , the UPS people never understood . When she got fed up , she descended her back stairs into the yard and banged on her tenant 's door . The first unpleasant thing Charlotte learned was what the packages held - semi - precious stones . Peridots the color of green apple hard candy , sapphires pink as bubblegum . These were set into brooches , pendants and earrings . Although they were real , they looked fake because the colors had been " enhanced , " under great heat , Alice explained with an enthusiasm Charlotte found unsettling . But then , with no prompting , Alice announced that she had just received a terrible blow . Victor , it turned out , had not one male lover , but three . Counting Alice , he was sleeping with four people . One he met regularly at a hotel when he took his two - hour trips for Dixie beer . The other two , he saw at their homes in Metairie . " Did you know ? Could you tell ? What is wrong with me ? Why couldn 't I tell ? " Alice implored , then sobbed . The things that happened in New Orleans , Charlotte couldn 't help but think . Then she reminded herself that her father 's name was Harrison William Avery IV , and the town where they lived was named after his great grandfather . There were horses on her property when she was a girl and there were black people in the back in small houses who harvested the pecans when the trees were bearing , and did odd jobs . The Avery family never went inside these people 's houses , never sat on their porches or patios . If things like this happened in Averydale the tenants certainly didn 't come and tell you about it , or show you the size of the organs of other parties . " So he says , he only has sex with me and these three boyfriends . That was how he was looking out for me . Looking out for me ! " Alice 's small , plump lips were a perfect upside down " U . " She put her head down and shook with sorrow . " You should have seen his face . Glad to get this off his chest ! " The next ten days - with Minton on the other side of the world - Charlotte felt as if she had a bomb waiting to explode in the back yard . The brown boxes were still coming , two a day . Alice was up all night , running the air conditioner and the TV . Sometimes Charlotte could hear the announcers . " Candy Tourmaline Puzzle Rings , Azurite Pendants Special Value Two Left . " Alice started going to work wearing false eyelashes , garish lipstick , low cut sweaters , as well as the gaudy jewelry . She dyed her nice hair garish copper . When speaking to anyone , including the UPS man , she was very loud , as if she were yelling over music in a bar . Charlotte hid in her house , afraid of hearing more revelations about Alice 's love life , or Victor 's . She told herself Minton would know how to approach this , and counted the hours until his return . Charlotte explained that she 'd decided Alice was in a hypomanic state and was going to crash . She 'd seen this on a program on PBS and it fit perfectly : the erratic behavior , the grandiose ideas , the inability to sleep , the shopping sprees , and the makeup . But that wasn 't all that concerned her . She told him to ask their tenant one particular question . At that , Minton gave her a look she recognized . He used it when he was taking a deposition and expected an answer from the person and instead had gotten what he considered gobbledygook . He jutted out his chin , his eyes slanted harshly . But he didn 't say he was disappointed . In the past , he would have . It was peculiar , she noted , that this time he didn 't . As soon as he put down his luggage , Minton dutifully went and knocked on Alice 's door . She appeared , wearing one of Charlotte 's knits , which fit her . She was also holding a mint julep . She explained to Minton she was taking off work because there was a special , Fabulous Opals of Australia . After a few pleasantries , Alice volunteered , at the top of her lungs , " You heard he was three - timing me ? With boys ! Don 't matter , I have a ton of dates . " Minton asked her if buying all the jewelry was a good idea with her bills . She answered she needed to dress up because of her new boyfriends . And then he said , " About that - " Dutifully , he asked Charlotte 's question . Abruptly , Alice shifted from effusive joy to desolation , like a scene - stealing actress . " Yes ! Yes I did ! It was horrible to have to do it ! " After a certain amount of time watching her husband with her tenant , however , she became a little jealous . She could not remember the last time Minton had listened to her an hour plus , straight . She had problems , too , besides having a crazy backyard neighbor . She had starved herself down to a size four but her husband still didn 't notice , or think it mattered . It would be hard to get sympathy for that from Minton , she allowed . Their daughter Belle was a sullen child , who thought the world positively owed her , and she was difficult in school , that was another . Charlotte knew Minton thought this was their fault . She was an only , they spoiled her . In New Orleans it was hard for Charlotte to make friends , people were too blatant , she could never keep up . This , she knew , was difficult for Minton to grasp , as he was a native of the city . But he did know she didn 't have that many people she could confide in . In fact , she had nobody . But then , confiding was not how she was brought up . She was brought up to wait until someone figured out something was bothering her , and came to help . She was brought up to expect , not to explain . Eventually the jewelry deliveries slowed down to twice a week , then once . Alice cut out the makeup , buttoned up her blouses and sweaters , and stabilized . As soon as Charlotte could forget about her tenant almost completely , it became a pleasant spring . May , Minton went to Jakarta again . When he came home this time , he brought lots of gifts . Silks , gold jewelry , beaded belts , carved figurines , toys for Belle , and silver slippers that curled up at the toe . " For the Princesses , " he said , and pecked the two of them on their almost - identical cheeks . When Charlotte wore her Indonesian gifts , which were exotic and much more interesting than the things Alice bought off the TV , she reminded herself how fortunate she must seem to Alice , having a man like Minton , a beautiful daughter , and not having to work , and , to top it all off , recently , a very good figure . When Charlotte looked at her life from the imaginary point of view of someone like Alice , who had been used in such an ugly way , by a liar - she could see , in theory , how happy and lucky she must seem . But the fact was , Charlotte was miserable that whole year and it was just getting worse . This was perverse . Minton was good to her , better than ever . He never crossed her anymore . Every time he came back from Indonesia he was kinder to her than before . If Alice had my life , my status , she would enjoy it , Charlotte thought in those days . Charlotte herself couldn 't get any pleasure out of life . Sometimes she would , for an instant , envy Alice ; because she seemed to genuinely have high regard for her and for Minton , for their fortunate lives . But then , Charlotte would come to full consciousness , and feel awful , for having to prop up a straw admirer . She didn 't even know how to tell this to the psychiatrist she had started to see . It was so complex . To be envious of someone whose life was so paltry - because she 'd be able to enjoy yours ! Finally , that summer , when Minton was on his last trip to Jakarta , Charlotte decided to explain it to the doctor , for he wasn 't very good at reading her . She had to come right out and say it : things that happened to her , including the best of things , were as if full of holes . Feeling passed right through her . Nothing stuck . There was no solid thing inside her - she had no core , she felt . Sometimes she envied people who were miserable , especially people who were miserable because of things that happened to them or that they did and couldn 't help . At least they had feelings that had good reasons behind them . In this respect , also , she envied Alice , out there at the picnic table that day with Minton , her face beet red , her tears freely flowing , mascara spots on her cheeks . Why ? For her concrete unhappiness . To have an undeniable , unmediated feeling for a cause of any kind was a state to be desired . She was actually saying this to the doctor , even though she found it a great nuisance to have to , when he stopped her in the middle and said that this session would be their last unless she wanted to start paying full freight . Her husband 's insurance was not going to cover anymore , unless he entered a false diagnosis , which he didn 't want to do . Charlotte suspected that the psychiatrist didn 't believe there was anything really wrong with her . Or worse , he just didn 't like her enough to sit with her week after week . He told her he was putting her on Prozac . Charlotte left , like that , with just a piece of paper , a prescription , and no sympathy . The whole experience was humiliating . In fact , she and Alice were on the same dose of antidepressants , she was embarrassed to learn that next winter , when Alice came in the kitchen one afternoon to deliver the rent , and saw Charlotte 's bottle . She commented that she had been on 20 milligrams , but lately she 'd started cutting her pills in half . What did Charlotte think ? " Who did Alice think she was ? " was what Charlotte thought . But at the same time she felt a rather alien impulse - she actually wanted to tell Alice what she 'd been to the doctor for , the things he wouldn 't wait to hear . She turned around and opened her mouth - all she felt , all that was lacking in her life , the things the Prozac couldn 't get to , the great bulb of sorrow that was in her breast . She was just about to do it , but then she remembered she couldn 't . It wasn 't in her nature . Alice was just a tenant . How would it look ? Not long after , Charlotte told Minton it was " time to take over the yard . " He complied . It was the Jakarta principle . Whenever Minton came back from Indonesia , he would do everything she asked , he never argued anymore . Charlotte thought maybe it was just that they had more money . That winter he didn 't say a word when she evicted Alice . Alice said she was going to live in an efficiency near her Aunt Nancetta in the Garden District , the extremely old lady Alice escorted to Sunday brunch at Galatoire 's once a week . Though she was rich as Croesus , she always made Alice pay for her own meal . Alice 's life was in tatters , in Charlotte 's view . She was over thirty - five . She was going to be an old maid , looking after that nasty woman , right on out to the end . The morning she left , Alice came to the back door and Charlotte feared a confrontation , but instead Alice said , " I 'll miss you . " Her eyes seemed larger than usual , greener , prettier , liquid . For a brief moment Charlotte considered what it might be like to feel the same way . Two years later , Charlotte tried another request out on Minton . Could they move to Bay St . Louis , on the coast of Mississippi , leave New Orleans ? She was tired of the stress of the city . In Mississippi she would feel more at home . She was a native , after all . Minton said okay , sure . They built a mansion in Bay St . Louis right on the Gulf Coast and bought a boat . He commuted to work in the city . She saw him less , but they were very rich at that point , and the general consensus among the people they met in Bay St . Louis was that wealth made up for everything that could be wrong . They lived like that for five years - Charlotte drank a bit more , got slightly fat around the middle , and tried to enjoy her abundant life , even went to church and prayed she could be in the moment , and live , somehow , and not be always looking around for someone else to envy her , or tell her how wonderful she was . Her prayers were not answered . Then , when she was fifty - six and had just returned from taking her daughter to a special college with a lot of rules in the White Mountains of New Hampshire , Charlotte sat down on her beautiful gallery in Mississippi overlooking the Gulf . It was a late night in August . The man on the radio told people to evacuate the coast . She got up and did the minimal packing , then made her way to their tiny cabin on Bayou Sara north of Baton Rouge . She waited there for Minton , who was in Tulsa on a case . The next night , The Storm visited . Minton had trouble getting back from Oklahoma . The New Orleans airport had been turned into a hospital , he couldn 't fly into it . No other airport in Louisiana or Texas had any rental cars to use when he landed . He eventually leased a Suburban and drove all night to get to Charlotte . The next day he 'd made his way to Bay St . Louis to see the devastation . Seventy - two hours later , he pulled up in the huge , muddied vehicle , and parked , but didn 't come in . Charlotte watched him from the picture window . She was afraid to go out and greet him . Finally , he climbed out of the car holding a single plastic grocery bag , and made his way to the porch . He was slow , stiff , and eerie . Inside , he went directly to the kitchen counter , and removed the contents of the little bag : a bottle of Gatorade with a fifth of Vodka . He poured them together into a pitcher . The first words he uttered were , " The guy at the convenience store in what used to be Gulf Port told me about this . You call it ' St . Petersburg . ' Get it , Florida - Gators , Russia . " He showed her pictures on his digital camera . Only wreckage , nothing left . The ocean could swallow something as big as their mansion and a boat house , and not even spit a little bit of it back . How would it be possible to have a life if this could happen to it ? Nobody had ever told her about disaster . All that was left of that entire existence was one tiny thing , he said . Then , all of a sudden , his face buckled , so he looked a little like the minister of the swizzle stick church years ago , and he said , " You know what ? I 'm relieved it 's all gone . I feel better than I have in years . I am thankful . Hah ! " Then he told her he once loved another woman . Her name was Salma . This was in Jakarta , when he 'd travelled there , ten years before . Charlotte was astounded . She had lived through the parts of life that were supposed to make you a tough bird - Belle 's hellish middle school years , a breast cancer scare . But this , she had never expected . " What kind of name is Salma ? " Was all she said . " She was Indonesian . Daughter of - " he paused , shook his head violently , like someone getting rid of a bee in his ear . " I don 't want to get into all of it . I refuse to tell you . And I only slept with her once ! I wanted to a thousand times . Since The Storm , I think of her constantly . Up in Tulsa , the night it came in , I dreamed I was in her arms . Her arms . " He threw his head back . " In fact , now , the truth is , I am so fucking sorry I did come back to you . What do you think of that ? I thought of it all the way back here from the coast . I should have gone to her . All I have to deal with , why is this the only thing I 'm thinking of ? How crazy am I ? " His head wasn 't nodding exactly ; it was bobbing around , weaving , as if he couldn 't decide whether these comments deserved a nod or a shake . " That is just what you would say . What did she look like . I knew it . That 's so you , Charlotte . " His head moved even more wildly . " It wasn 't a full blown affair . I was too guilty . Afternoons in the city , tea , coffee . Just one night in the International Hotel . " His chin was finally still . He glared . " You would beat her in a beauty contest . But she was a human being . " " Remember Alice ? When she had that break up with that fool Victor ? I had just come back for the first time when that happened . I was smitten with Salma . But I was determined to be the good husband . I was happy to see you , to start all over with you . " At this point Minton touched his heart and Charlotte was acutely aware that he had one . He was a creature , with internal organs , and very liquid , deep , desires , not a man in a seersucker suit in an air - conditioned office , or in boxer shorts and knee socks , which is how she usually thought of him . " Remember , you picked me up at the airport , and you told me all about Alice ? How that guy hurt her - and all you could think about was did she have AIDS ? Had she been tested ? You just didn 't know how to say you were sorry for her - I told myself that . But I think I gave you too much credit . " " Because ! " he said . " That life we led there , that whole life we had - whether I wanted it or you wanted it or if it was for Belle , or to show your father some damn thing - it doesn 't matter now , because it 's gone . And we have to start another . A person has to ask himself : Do I want it all back ? " He shook his head . " Because it 's gonna be years , hell , to get it back . Have you seen what I 'm talking about ? It 's a huge job . There is no Bay St . Louis . There is hardly much New Orleans . Maybe I 'm not a good man . My father was a good man . He took such a job and never laid down the burden . But you know what ? I want Salma . I want to be happy . I don 't want to prove myself . I don 't want to go back to Bay St . Louis . I don 't even know if I want to live with you . She had a soul . I saw it . It was obvious . " Furious , Charlotte thought to herself , is that what I am , furious ? No , that isn 't it . What is it ? A voice in her said , Leave . At the same time she had never known so much longing for Minton , not since she was in her twenties . She knew those were lies . The National Guard were lax at some checkpoints . You could get in . She 'd read there were ten thousand souls in the city , aid workers , people who refused to leave , hangers on , thrill - seekers , even . She suddenly wanted to be there , wanted to see it , to study it up close , watch and look and listen . She didn 't even know why . In New Orleans in early October , if you came up to a stranger on the street , and said , How did you make out ? - you might be held for an hour . Some were outrageously generous , others , gross and frank , insulting . In every coffeehouse or open restaurant several operas were going on at once - multiple casts exploding with soliloquies and arias . People were on their cell phones , screaming at insurance adjusters , or pleading with dead beat roofers , or weeping about their losses , or bragging about how they intimidated looters , drove through Uptown with a cocked pistol , stole drugs or water - did things they had never believed they would do . Nothing was normal : for this she was grateful . She never told her story . Not once . It wasn 't much , in a way , compared to what she overheard . But she was devastated . She didn 't listen to many people directly , she found it too wrenching . She eavesdropped , she lurked , she stepped around the stinking piles of debris , the darkened houses , crossed the street when she saw clusters of National Guardsmen . The misery was general , widespread , though unevenly , distributed . She knew she ought to find some way to help - but she hadn 't gotten around to it . She was living in a former slave quarters in the backyard of the house of one of Belle 's old schoolmates ' mothers . There was water and gas , intermittent electricity . The landlady wasn 't permanently back - she just visited now and then , and sat on the front porch in a stupor , mumbling about how much had to be done and how she couldn 't manage it . The house had not flooded , but there was roof damage , mold . She was ignorant of Charlotte 's situation , except that she was aware she 'd lived on the Mississippi coast . Now and then she 'd come up to her and say , " You poor thing , you poor thing , I can 't imagine what you are going through - " then she 'd ride off in her Volvo . Charlotte liked her life sometimes . It was quite easy , actually , if you lived in two hundred and ninety square feet : you moved from kettle to table to bed by just turning around . No need to hike past all your silver and your mother 's china and your puddled drapes and traipse through dining rooms and front parlors possibly no one had ever used . She had only one trinket that linked her to her former life . It was in her pocket . She touched it several times a day , a talisman when she was coursing through the littered streets . This was the state of things that November day at the Thanksgiving concert . Charlotte was still slumped down and hiding in her hoodie when Alice Night recognized her and marched up . Alice 's hair was its original auburn now . She wore a very expensive looking leather jacket with whip - stitched lapels . Her former tenant went through the basics : She had stayed through The Storm ; neither her apartment nor Aunt Nancetta 's house around the corner had flooded . Her aunt had been in a nursing home following a fall at the time . Tuesday after , Alice took a boat from a friend 's yard with her neighbor Andy who worked for the TV station . He had a shotgun and a good camera ; he needed to check on his sister , who turned out to be fine . They also were curious to see it all . They took Bayou St . John for a while and then went over to Jefferson Parish . For a few days , they ferried people out of Mid - City , then went back for dogs and cats . Somewhere during the second week , they fell in love . She kept calling her aunt 's caretakers - finally , finally , they called back and said the lady had a fatal stroke while they were trying to evacuate her to Alexandria . She went peacefully : ninety - seven years old . Alice was going to end up with the house , " Me , a grand dame on Harmony Street , who would have thought it ? I go back to that time when I lived behind you , going with that jerk Victor . Everything is so turned around now . " She had a sweet , small smile , like a girl . " How about this : I 'm engaged for the first time in my life ! " Charlotte remembered how she used to stand in her kitchen and consider Alice 's meager existence so she herself could feel a little better . Then , in an instant , Charlotte glimpsed how everything her husband had said was not an exaggeration , not the wailing of a lovesick crazy man - but completely true . Charlotte was cold . She was aloof . She didn 't have feelings , or if she did , she didn 't feel them . Her soul , if she had one at all , he said , was buried deep , deep under rubble . What would that be like , Charlotte was thinking . To not have that place , preferably in the center of the room , where you are waiting , for everybody else to get it . Who you are . What you want . What you feel . They were supposed to get it , because her life was large and everybody was always looking . She had always had that , from the time she was a little girl . What would it be like not to have it ? But it wasn 't a hypothetical : it was real - she didn 't have anyone to wait upon her , anymore . Not at all . Alice was standing there , but she wasn 't going to stand there long , or guess . Could she just come out with it , the way other people did . In the abstract , it felt like an adventure , but Charlotte was not adventurous . Or , at least in the past , she had not been adventurous . Back , weeks back , when they had their last face to face argument , she had sat silent at one end of the rustic table in the Bayou Sara cabin looking at her husband , and thought , I am not angry , I am in shock . Finally she said to her husband , " Look at me . Look at me . Please . " It was agony to beg . If he had stabbed her , it would have been less painful . The fact that he didn 't look back hurt nowhere near as much as having to beg him to do it . Eventually she had to come round and get down on her knees to see his eyes , to gaze up at him . His face was so unused to showing anger it was perfectly distorted . A Minton she didn 't know . " Look what I found , " he told her when she cowered beneath him . " It was in the hollow of a fallen tree where our driveway used to be . That 's all that 's left of Bay St . Louis . It 's yours , take it , you always won with it - rather come out on top than - " A wide rush of air passed through his nostrils , the opposite of a snort . He threw down the tiny object . " Anything . " He walked out of the room . Charlotte picked it up . It was hard and very old , the silver paint very chipped . It was rearing back on two legs - a thing the Tennessee Walker horses in the barn in the back of her daddy 's land did when something really startled them . When they were utterly terrified . She had never thought of that before . They were so scared . " Minton and me - " she was planning to tell Alice that they were okay , but the house in Bay St . Louis was gone . She never told the whole truth , not to anybody . Even to the shrink , she lied . But then , she felt something in her chest , a big dark hot ball , getting bigger , and bigger - She flashed on a memory , which gave her slight solace : her husband that day in the water park with Little Vic . She saw how gently he bent down to comb the boy 's damp hair with a black plastic sixty - nine - cent comb that seemed meant only for such difficult moments , for combing the hair of children who have found themselves in some terribly upsetting predicament , whose faces had to be washed by a stranger . She had never thought of it before , not really - how tender Minton could be . She had to swallow to go on . Uncanny , actually - she retained a certain level of objectivity about the pending explosion inside her , at least for the first few seconds . But then it started to come to life - a great , untamed being within her , ranging around , demanding to be let out . This was like the moment right before giving birth . She realized even greater pain was coming ; there was no stopping it . She just had to let it . Oh she hated this feeling . The horse , the horse - " Miss Charlotte . How bad could it be ? What is it ? What happened ? " Alice asked , thinking she 'd never seen such a twisted expression on a sane woman , " What happened to Minton ? Did he - ? " Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of followup comments via e - mail . You can also subscribe without commenting . Issue 61 , Number 2 Proudly powered by WordPress . |
In the year 2000 , the beginning of the new millennium , I took a ' leap of faith ' and tried something different . No longer stuck in the corporate world , I spent most of my time , blissfully shuffling Tarot cards and advising the callers , on my very own psychic hotline . It was a situation I 'd invented for myself to actually live the experience , first hand , and write a book about it some day . Instead of writing another ' how - to ' book on how to read the cards , like a few of my friends have , I always thought it would be interesting to write about the callers , on the other end of the phone . Who were these people ? What did they want to know bad enough to call someone all hours of the night , and pay them for a psychic reading ? My fantasy was that the front cover of this book would be a picture of me , with my crystal ball in one hand , my phone in the other , and with Tarot cards spread across the table . My husband , Ira , was okay with this little project , as long as I never told anyone about it . He thought it was cheap and embarrassing - - probably , because it was . And that 's exactly why I loved it so much ! The switchboard was always blinking , and the price was the standard $ 100 dollars per hour . Some paid with credit cards . Some had accounts with me , and paid with monthly checks . All of them made appointments well in advance , and I was usually booked solid . Once business was out of the way , the ritual would begin . The white candle glowed behind the crystal ball , as I shuffled the cards and instructed the listener to close their eyes , take a deep breath , hold , and exhale , slowly . Then , I 'd say , " Think about your life right now . Think about what you need to know about yourself , right now , in order to take your next step in evolution . " The cards would then be shuffled , cut , and laid out in a ' Celtic Cross ' pattern . Together , we discussed what the cards were saying , and decisions would be made , accordingly . I didn 't waste their time with too much lyrical stuff . I was honest with them . My honesty was the main building block that built such a large base of customers from all over the world ! Around Thanksgiving , our peaceful lives were interrupted by the dreaded wedding invitation of my husband 's nephew , David . It was the exact invitation of his sister , Michele , a few years before . Ira said , as he was looking at the card , " Another sickening event designed by their mother . I really don 't know how my brother can stand being married to Trudy . " The invitation itself was the same textured paper and silver print as Michele 's . The only thing different in all of this , was that instead of the names on the card saying , ' Marriage of Aaron and Michele , ' it said , ' Marriage of David and Aliza . ' He said , as he read the card , " Aliza . A - L - I - Z - A . What the hell kind of name is that ? " At the dimly lit table with my white candle , crystal ball , and Tarot cards , shuffling away , I would start out by asking each person for his or her first name . That way , I could hear their voices , and pick up their ' vibes . ' It was my way of ' breaking the ice . ' I spent the night reading cards , and palms , and the happy facial expressions of some of the most elegant people I 've ever seen in my life ! With the exception of one very lovely , but very unhappy young lady , everyone was having a great time ! She waited patiently , for the chance to be read by me . When I asked her for her first name , in the way that I started out my readings , she said that her name was Aliza , and that she was very sorry for ' bumming everyone out with her bad mood . ' She explained that she was ' freaking out ' and couldn 't have a good time . Her wedding was two weeks away . As sweet as her fiance was , she was angry with him and his family , because their entire wedding was planned without including any of her ideas . She had no say in the arrangements of her own wedding . Everything was the exact same as his sister 's wedding a few years before , right down to the honeymoon . She was worried that it was a clear indication that his family would be running her life if she married him . She wanted to know if she should cancel the wedding while she still had the chance , and just cut her losses . She said , " I really can 't stand his mother ! " For some reason , I thought of Trudy . I pointed at the crystal ball as if I could see her in it , saying , " I see her . Yes . . . I see her . She 's a ruthless bitch , with lines on her face , like a road map ! " As I acted out her obnoxious personality , I said , " This is her ! " I stuck my nose in the air and remarked how she justifies the fact that she always gets her way , by saying , " Yeah , well - - I got good taste , and I know what I 'm twalkin ' about ! " Aliza said , " Oh my God ! It 's just like she 's here ! Did you channel her spirit ? " I said , " No , you can only channel people if they 're dead , and I don 't deal with spirits ! I just see her taking over your life the minute you marry her son , unless you lay down the law , right now ! We stared at each other for a moment . She began to panic , and asked me what I thought she should do . I looked at the cards for more advice , and said , " Call him tonight ! Tell him that you 're marrying HIM , not his MOTHER ! Otherwise , he can forget it ! Make sure he understands that you mean it . Get a verbal ' pre - nup ' out of him , and tell him that he better keep his promise . She either stays out of your face , or you 're gone ! He 'll agree to it . Don 't worry . He loves you . " A few weeks later , we went to David 's wedding . Because I couldn 't care less about the situation , or what I looked like , I wore the same long , black velvet gown with bright maroon hair , matching lipstick , nails , shoes and jewelry . The only things I left at home were the turban , and the forehead jewel as my ' third eye . ' At the reception , David and Aliza came over to where we were standing . He said , " We 're so happy that you both came to our wedding , " and introduced us to his new bride . The bride looked at me and said , " You look so familiar ! I know you from somewhere . " I told her that I was thinking the same thing about her , but neither one of us could figure out from where . Avoiding the bride and groom , I grabbed my coat and made a quick escape to the parking lot ! I 've often wondered if Aliza ever made the connection . So much for my secret psychic career . If she tells on me , I 'll tell on her ! At this time every year , I go through a morbid depression . I get so depressed , that I can hardly function . This goes on from the first day of November to New Year 's Eve . It can 't be helped . It 's just there . It 's probably not all that uncommon . I think that when it comes to Thanksgiving , most of us have been wired to have that reaction from a very young age . Almost everyone I know hates the holidays . Especially , when it comes to having to tolerate the relatives that they wouldn 't otherwise speak to on the street . 1976 was the year that I became ' excused from the table ' for the very last time . The family members were seated at their usual places . In our family , the seating arrangements were set by one 's rank of importance . I can honestly say , that I wouldn 't know the experience of sitting at the same table with those who mattered . I had since the last time , eloped and moved to Ft . Knox , Kentucky , gave birth to my first son , moved to Stuttgart , Germany , gave birth to my second son , and , had my brains beat out almost every day that I was overseas . I came back to the U . S . and moved to Ft . Hamilton in Brooklyn , New York , and had my brains beat out almost every day that I was there . The last time my husband beat me , he convinced me that he was trying to kill me . I escaped with my two sons , and with hardly anything else , but my life . I made the mistake of going home to Ohio , and staying with my parents , and younger brother . Although I was encouraged to go back to my husband , I made it known that it just wasn 't going to happen . If I did , I wouldn 't be alive today . So , two months after I escaped , it was Thanksgiving day . It was the first time in six years that I 'd sat at the table with all the kids , including my two little boys . They were three and five years old . I was back in the situation that I ran away from in the first place . You could say that I 'd come full circle . It was the first time , and the very last . While everyone was well into eating , I stepped away from my table for a minute , to get something from the kitchen . My mother 's two sisters , Aunt Gale and Aunt Frankie , sprang up from their seats and walked past me , discreetly telling me to follow them . One of them whispered that they wanted to have a ' word in private ' with me . I walked behind them , down the hallway , into the main bathroom , wondering to myself what this could be about . After the bathroom door was shut and locked , they stood on both sides of me , like two fat , angry bookends . In a very rehearsed and planned way , they started telling me that what we were about to discuss was not to leave the room . I was to listen very carefully to what they had to say , follow their instructions , and not repeat it to anyone . Ever . As Aunt Frankie said , " Katie , this is just between us . " I couldn 't stop sobbing ! I could hear them talking on the other side of the wall , and I knew that they were talking about me . I couldn 't come out of the bathroom until I got the swelling down in my eyes . What was said in the bathroom , after all , was supposed to be private , and I couldn 't show that I was upset . I took a wash rag , ran cold water on it , making a compress to hold against my face for a few minutes . The swelling just wouldn 't go away , and my eyes were blood red . As hard as I tried , I couldn 't stop crying . I put more make - up on my face , but it was evident that I was upset . I had to go out there and be among those people . I couldn 't leave my kids alone at the table for long . I came out of the bathroom , and went past the kitchen table where they were sitting . I looked at them , first with embarrassment , hoping that no one would notice my face and ask me what was wrong . I had nothing to worry about , there . As I was walking past them , the conversation stopped , and they all stared down at their plates . Seeing how not one person in the room would even look at me , I realized that the ' private talk ' I had with Frankie and Gale wasn 't exactly private . It was an intervention . They appointed themselves to have the chance to quietly throw me out of my parents ' house . They did my mother 's talking for her . My feelings of being embarrassed , changed into rage and betrayal . If she felt that way about me and my kids being there , why didn 't she just say it to me , herself ? Why did she involve everyone that I ever loved in my life ? And , on Thanksgiving Day ? I started to make my way to the ' children 's table . ' I stopped walking , and turned around to look at all of them , sitting there . They were whispering as I started to walk , but the whispering stopped when I turned around . I stared at them all , too angry and hurt to utter a word . I thought to myself , Oh , that 's right ! That 's why I left in the first place ! " The radio dial was on the 60 's station , and there were plenty of magazines on the rack to choose from . Down in the shampoo and manicure area , the chairs were filled with women getting work done . Paul was upstairs mixing hair dye to put in my hair . I sat in the swivel chair , with a plastic cape draped across the front of me . With a magazine as my shield , and the music as my helmet , I was prepared to avoid this room full of pretentious , self - centered , self - entitled , self - important bitches . Experience has taught me to avoid them any way I can , like the Bubonic plague . The woman in the chair to my left was describing her profession to her hairdresser . She said , " I have a therapy practice , you know , and I 'm working from home . It 's a great way to conduct business and keep an eye on my kids at the same time . " Applying dye to her hair , the hairdresser went along with the conversation , asking where the office was set up . She said , " My office is in the garaaahge . My clients have more privacy there . " After I heard that , I had to look at her . There wasn 't any other choice . I looked up discreetly , and glanced at her face in the reflection of the mirror in front of us . It was hard to imagine anyone being screwed up enough to go see someone in a garage for psychological help . Let alone , having that awful woman sitting on the other side of the desk , taking copious notes , and telling you why you 're crazy ! The hairdresser finished applying the dye on the therapist 's hair . She gave her a magazine to read while waiting for the color to develop , and went upstairs . The therapist had no one else on our side of the room to bore , so she decided to bore us . Paul started in about how Bill Clinton probably messed things up for Hillary in the primaries , because of his fooling around . The women pleaded his case , saying that ' power is the biggest aphrodisiac in the world , and women throw themselves at powerful men , all the time . ' After much deliberation , they exonerated him with the idea that , since he was the most powerful man in the world , the temptation was simply an occupational hazard . Paul grabbed my shoulders and said , " I bet you 'd fuck ' em , wouldn 't you , Katie ! " I said , " I would not ! " He said , " Oh , yes you would ! Anyone would ! I 'd fuck ' em if he asked me to ! " I said , " You 'd fuck anyone who would ask you to , Paul ! " Paul said , " Well , let me ask you this , Katie : If there was a gun pointed at your head , and you had to fuck either Bill Clinton , or George W . Bush - - which one of them would you pick ? You 've got three seconds to answer the question . Pick one ! " I said , " These are my choices ? " He started counting , " One ! Two ! I 've got the gun to your head - - what 's it gonna be , Katie ? " I yelled , " Go ahead and shoot me ! I 'm not gonna do it ! " The therapist said , " What 's wrong with you ? Why didn 't you just say , ' Clinton ? ' That 's a no - brainer ! " I said , " I 'm done with this conversation , and I don 't want to talk about it any more . " She said , " Oooh - - so , you must be a Republican ! " I said , " What 's this ? You 're doing your therapy on me now ? I don 't want to fuck Bill Clinton , so that makes me a Republican ? " Still fuming , she glared at me in the mirror . I stared at my magazine , feeling her contempt . She said with a mean , threatening tone , " Well , I think he 's VERY attractive ! " I said , " Well good . There 's more for you then , isn 't there ? " She was just about to react . I was just about to stomp her ass in the floor , if she did ! Paul came back downstairs with another bowl of hair dye , to finish hilighting my hair . The therapist kept her mouth shut , until her hairdresser returned . A wise choice . After going through countless applications and failing to find someone literate enough to fill the part - time cashier position , I gave up and tried a more ' face value ' approach : Can I tolerate you enough to train you ? Are you aquainted with soap and water ? Do you have at least one front tooth ? I finally found a candidate , who I thought , fit this criteria . His greatest asset was his pick - up truck . I decided that he could at least load merchandise on the shelves and make sure that all the items had price tags on them . I told him that I wanted to hire him , and we agreed on a date and time to meet at my store . Randy came in to fill out the employee tax form and discuss the starting date . Being too busy congratulating himself for having landed his vast career , he didn 't bother to shave , shower , or brush the teeth he had . He wore an ensemble of unwashed ' wifebeater ' tank top , cut - off sweat pants , and bright yellow flip - flops . I stepped back and stared down at the floor , rethinking the situation . Clearly , this was a deal breaker ! All I could say to him was , " I 'll have to give it some thought and call you later . " He tried to shake my hand . I kept my arms crossed and said , " Oh , I don 't shake hands . " He told everyone in this town that he was hired to work in my store . When I made it official that it wasn 't going to happen , he spread rumors that my business was failing . He said that I couldn 't afford to pay him the salary he deserved , so he turned down the job . Even more disturbing , is that most of the people he told this story to , believed him . They were right about one thing : He 's the only person around here I 've found who probably could have done the job . In the last six years , no one else has come close to qualifying . Perhaps I should consider the idea of lowering my standards . Until then , I remain here at the check - out counter - - standing all alone . As the saying goes , " When the student is ready , the teacher appears . " Fred Poole , founder of Authentic Writing does not teach you how to write . He does something far more important . He helps you realize your passion for writing ! Discovering this group is one of the best things that ever happened to me ! No matter how tired I am on Wednesday night , I can 't wait to dial the group number from the phone at my desk ! It 's like going to a party - - however , we 're there to put words on paper , and read them to each other ! Writers of every level call in from all over the country ! The subjects we write about , and the emotions we feel are limitless . I 've learned a lot about writing just by listening to the others read their stories . The feedback we give each other is always loving and encouraging . Ira bought me a camera for Christmas , two years ago . It 's a Canon Rebel T1i , and much too intimidating for a person like me to just take out of the box and start using it . I 'm not good with new gadgets . In between customers , I figured out how to put it together and took a few pictures of the store . The activity scared me for some reason . I put the camera on a bookshelf , and it sat there until about a month ago . I signed up for an adult education class , called , Introduction To Digital Photography . The day the first class was to begin , I stood at the counter and worked with the buttons of the camera to remember how to turn it on and snap a picture . It was the least I should know when I showed up to class that night . The first two classes , I sat in the back and spoke to absolutely no one , not even the teacher . I listened to everything he had to say , and took copious notes . This was the first time I 'd heard any photography terms , like , shutter speed , aperture , ISO , depth of field , and such . It 's the same as learning a new language . I wrote it all down with every intention to look all these things up on You Tube . We were given our first homework assignment , to be done during Easter vacation . We were told stand at a highway and take pictures of speeding cars . We were to change the aperture and shutter speeds , or what showed up in my head , as turning the dials one notch , after each shot . Once we 've downloaded our photos , we could see how they 've turned out . Then , we were to analyze them , by taking notes of which modes the camera was on , when the shots were taken . This way , we could get a good idea as to what our cameras can and cannot do . Then , there was the task of learning how to download the software that came with the camera , onto my Mac . I 'm not even good at using my new Mac , but I managed it . From there , I had to figure out how to import the photos from my camera , to the new software . On the backs of each photo , I wrote out the combination I used to get each affect . To get the information needed for that , I had to locate each photo on the LCD screen on the back of the camera . It took a while to figure out how to get that info . I couldn 't find these details on the software . I 'm sure it 's there 's a way to find it , and maybe I 'll learn how to do it some day . I packed up my photos , and rushed out of the store . Driving to class , I was very proud of what I 'd figured out on my own . There was so much new information in my head , that nothing was really clear to me about what I 'd done . But , it was my own invented way of learning how to start doing all of this stuff . Walking down the hallway , and through the classroom door , I heard the teacher saying , " You know , you paid a lot of money for this class . I can stand up here and give you verbal instruction until I 'm blue in the face . But , unless you pick up your cameras and try them out , I can 't really teach you anything . " As I rushed to my desk at the back of the room , the looks on their faces told me that once again , I was the only person in the class that bothered to do my homework , just like the writing class . We spent the next hour and a half discussing lighting , and different ways of using flashes , according to the affects the photographer would be hoping for . The teacher looked at the clock on the wall , and said that we had thirty minutes left , and he had nothing else to say . He asked us if anyone in the room had any questions , which no one did . The teacher came over to my desk , picked up my photos , and told the class that we were going to examine my work . We spent the rest of the time in class , watching him hold up my photos and reading the backs of them , explaining what I did to get certain effects . He said , " What are these little pictures you drew , here ? A tulip ? A running man ? " I said , " I don 't even know the names of the symbols on the dial , yet , so I just drew them , so when I learn everything later , I 'll know what I did . " When he held up the photo of the store , I said , " My camera was a Christmas present . That 's the first picture I 've ever taken with it . " He said , " Class , what 's wrong with this picture ? " A few of them said , " The snow is blue . " He went into an elaborate explanation as to how the reflection of the snow under the blue sky causes the blue affect , and how I could 've done it differently to prevent that mistake . He held up the photos of daffodils - - one with a bee sitting inside it , and the other , of a bee flying around some daffodils . The class really liked those , and asked me what mode my camera was on when I caught the bees so well . While I was proudly explaining it , the teacher held up one of them and said , " By the way , does anyone have any comments about the composition ? " I said , " I wasn 't going for composition ! I 'm just trying to figure out how my camera works ! That 's why I 'm here . " He nodded his head , and agreed that the composition was not good . As he kept going through my photos , telling the class what was wrong with each shot , and how I could 've done it right , I felt that old familiar feeling come over me . I watched the faces of the other students , who brought nothing . They were taking what was mine , and looking for something wrong with it . I thought to myself , ' There must be something in the water these people are drinking ! Once again , I 'm the only person who 's willing to do my homework , and show it to the class , and this is what I have to go through whenever I try to learn something ! ' I wondered if anyone could tell how annoyed I was . He put his hand on his heart , and said , " Well , it 's just that I 've been doing this for forty years , and I can tell an amateur right away . For what she did with the limited skills she has , she did very well . I 'm going to help her become much better . " We hadn 't even moved in . There were no beds , no hot water , and there was at least a foot of snow on the ground . And yet , the most important thing in the world for Jay and Liz to do , was to bring Nick , my three year old grand son , up from Florida . They wanted him to experience snow , for the first time . They came with their sleeping bags , and slept upstairs . I slept on a mattress on the living room floor . We were to camp out like this until Ira returned from Brooklyn , the following week . After a few days of watching them in my backyard , sliding down the hill on the little sled I bought for Nick , I was exhausted . I told them that I was going to lie down , and take a nap . That 's when Liz decided that her son should try an indoor sport , and we should go rollerskating . While Jay was upstairs , getting dressed , she cornered me in the kitchen , and said , " Jay feels guilty about leaving you alone and going skating . He thinks because he only sees you about once a year , that he 's obligated to sit around this house with you all week and do nothing . " I said , " I didn 't say I wasn 't going with you . " We went to the Roller Magic Rink in Hyde Park . It was early afternoon , and we were going to skate during the ' kiddie session . ' Liz went ahead of us to purchase the tickets at the admissions desk . We stood waiting , with the crowd of little kids and their parents . Liz came back , and handed Jay his ticket . I held out my hand , waiting for her to give my ticket to me , but she didn 't buy me one . She walked towards the skate rental desk without looking back . I felt very out of place at that moment . Knowing the game for what it was , I snapped out of it very quickly . I turned around and went back to the admissions desk , and bought my own damned skating ticket . When I caught up with them , they were still standing in line at the skate counter , waiting to pick up their skates . She looked back at me , seeing the ticket in my hand , and she said , " Oh , I didn 't know you wanted to skate . " When I realized how it bothered her that I had a ticket , I knew it was going to be an interesting day ! We went to a bench to sit down and put on our skates . She took off Nick 's shoes and put the skates on his feet . When he stood up and tried to skate , he started crying an throwing a fit . While he was well into his tantrum , Liz took out her camera and told him to smile . He just kept screaming that he didn 't want the skates on his feet . We put our things in a locker , and headed for the rink . Liz handed me her camera to hold until she was ready to take more pictures of Nick . It had been thirty - five years since I 'd skated . I never mentioned to Jay that I 'd met his father in a skating rink a few weeks after my fifteenth birthday . It was one of those war stories that I 'd buried long ago , and never allowed myself to think about . The thought of getting out onto the rink still intimidated me . It looked larger than I 'd remembered , and would take a lot more energy than I 'd had in years . I 'd forgotten how the vibration of the rolling wheels made the soles of my feet tingle when I skated . I 'd forgotten that I had to use all the muscles in my ankles to keep my balance . But , I was slowly getting back to who I used to be , so many years ago . About twenty feet away from me , the sound of Nick screaming and crying came from the video game that he was hanging onto . I watched Liz trying to reason with him , telling him that she 'd payed seven dollars to rent his skates . She said that he could play the video game later , but he had to skate , first . His behavior got worse , and the people at the party were staring at him , getting annoyed . They were trying to sing ' Happy Birthday ' to the little girl , and his screaming was ruining the moment . I pointed at Nick , and said to the women nearby , " You see that kid , throwing a fit over there ? That 's my wonderful grandson , and that 's how his wonderful mother deals with him . " Liz saw me , and gave me a signal that she wanted to take pictures of Nick . They watched me as I rolled over to Liz , and handed her the camera . Then , I put some quarters into the slot of the video game , and got it going . Nick shut up , and started playing with it . The next thing in order , was for me to get onto the rink , and skate . As I was passing the party crowd , I yelled to the women who were watching me , " Here goes ! " One of them yelled back , " You go , Girl ! " That was all I needed to hear ! I gushed to myself as I got out there , " She called me a girl ! " Those words made me feel young , again ! There I was , rolling around the rink with about fifty little kids and their parents . I went around the rink a few times to get the feel of the wooden floor . Watching other people around me skate , I copied what they were doing . As they went around the curve , they crossed the right foot over the front of the left ankle . Then , they stepped to the left , with the left foot , and pushed with the right one , to pick up speed . I remembered that it was the thing to do , and dared myself to do it . I saw Liz and Jay standing at the edge of the rink . They were looking at me , like they were worried that I was going to fall down and kill myself . Through the loud speakers , the rocking beat of the song made me forget about being scared , and I started to dance ! I began to focus on the lyrics , and tried to sing along as if I knew the words . In between the drums and the horns , men were rapping , and screaming the words : " GO , MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! - - GO MUCHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! " I thought about how inappropriate that song was , for the kiddie session , or any session in a skating rink , for that matter . I wondered if anyone ever bothered to check the song list on the CDs , before they put them in the stereo . I looked around to see if my grandson was listening , but he was still playing the video game . No one else seemed to notice or care , either . The guy in the middle of the rink , with the striped referee shirt and whistle in his mouth , the parents , and their kids , were all skating to the rhythm of the song . As I rolled past the birthday party crowd , I heard clapping and cheering . The women were waving at me , yelling , " Here she comes ! You go , Girl ! " I waved back at them , very excited ! I skated around , wishing I had a better song to work with , but then , again , I realized that the song fit the circumstances perfectly well . I started singing , " GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! " I spun around , did some fancy steps , skating backwards , dipping and swaying like the song was written just for me ! Every time I passed the party crowd , their cheers got louder and louder , yelling , " WHOOOOH ! Girlfriend 's got it goin ' on ! " Flashes from Liz 's camera blinded me for a few seconds , but I kept skating , hoping not to run over anyone . Jay came out to the rink and joined me . He started bouncing and doing steps , in time with the music . I followed along , doing the same steps . We joined hands and danced until the song was over . We slowed down to rest , sweating and catching our breath . Jay said , " Ma , you didn 't tell me you could skate like that ! " I said , " You didn 't ask . " |
In the year 2000 , the beginning of the new millennium , I took a ' leap of faith ' and tried something different . No longer stuck in the corporate world , I spent most of my time , blissfully shuffling Tarot cards and advising the callers , on my very own psychic hotline . It was a situation I 'd invented for myself to actually live the experience , first hand , and write a book about it some day . Instead of writing another ' how - to ' book on how to read the cards , like a few of my friends have , I always thought it would be interesting to write about the callers , on the other end of the phone . Who were these people ? What did they want to know bad enough to call someone all hours of the night , and pay them for a psychic reading ? My fantasy was that the front cover of this book would be a picture of me , with my crystal ball in one hand , my phone in the other , and with Tarot cards spread across the table . My husband , Ira , was okay with this little project , as long as I never told anyone about it . He thought it was cheap and embarrassing - - probably , because it was . And that 's exactly why I loved it so much ! The switchboard was always blinking , and the price was the standard $ 100 dollars per hour . Some paid with credit cards . Some had accounts with me , and paid with monthly checks . All of them made appointments well in advance , and I was usually booked solid . Once business was out of the way , the ritual would begin . The white candle glowed behind the crystal ball , as I shuffled the cards and instructed the listener to close their eyes , take a deep breath , hold , and exhale , slowly . Then , I 'd say , " Think about your life right now . Think about what you need to know about yourself , right now , in order to take your next step in evolution . " The cards would then be shuffled , cut , and laid out in a ' Celtic Cross ' pattern . Together , we discussed what the cards were saying , and decisions would be made , accordingly . I didn 't waste their time with too much lyrical stuff . I was honest with them . My honesty was the main building block that built such a large base of customers from all over the world ! Around Thanksgiving , our peaceful lives were interrupted by the dreaded wedding invitation of my husband 's nephew , David . It was the exact invitation of his sister , Michele , a few years before . Ira said , as he was looking at the card , " Another sickening event designed by their mother . I really don 't know how my brother can stand being married to Trudy . " The invitation itself was the same textured paper and silver print as Michele 's . The only thing different in all of this , was that instead of the names on the card saying , ' Marriage of Aaron and Michele , ' it said , ' Marriage of David and Aliza . ' He said , as he read the card , " Aliza . A - L - I - Z - A . What the hell kind of name is that ? " At the dimly lit table with my white candle , crystal ball , and Tarot cards , shuffling away , I would start out by asking each person for his or her first name . That way , I could hear their voices , and pick up their ' vibes . ' It was my way of ' breaking the ice . ' I spent the night reading cards , and palms , and the happy facial expressions of some of the most elegant people I 've ever seen in my life ! With the exception of one very lovely , but very unhappy young lady , everyone was having a great time ! She waited patiently , for the chance to be read by me . When I asked her for her first name , in the way that I started out my readings , she said that her name was Aliza , and that she was very sorry for ' bumming everyone out with her bad mood . ' She explained that she was ' freaking out ' and couldn 't have a good time . Her wedding was two weeks away . As sweet as her fiance was , she was angry with him and his family , because their entire wedding was planned without including any of her ideas . She had no say in the arrangements of her own wedding . Everything was the exact same as his sister 's wedding a few years before , right down to the honeymoon . She was worried that it was a clear indication that his family would be running her life if she married him . She wanted to know if she should cancel the wedding while she still had the chance , and just cut her losses . She said , " I really can 't stand his mother ! " For some reason , I thought of Trudy . I pointed at the crystal ball as if I could see her in it , saying , " I see her . Yes . . . I see her . She 's a ruthless bitch , with lines on her face , like a road map ! " As I acted out her obnoxious personality , I said , " This is her ! " I stuck my nose in the air and remarked how she justifies the fact that she always gets her way , by saying , " Yeah , well - - I got good taste , and I know what I 'm twalkin ' about ! " Aliza said , " Oh my God ! It 's just like she 's here ! Did you channel her spirit ? " I said , " No , you can only channel people if they 're dead , and I don 't deal with spirits ! I just see her taking over your life the minute you marry her son , unless you lay down the law , right now ! We stared at each other for a moment . She began to panic , and asked me what I thought she should do . I looked at the cards for more advice , and said , " Call him tonight ! Tell him that you 're marrying HIM , not his MOTHER ! Otherwise , he can forget it ! Make sure he understands that you mean it . Get a verbal ' pre - nup ' out of him , and tell him that he better keep his promise . She either stays out of your face , or you 're gone ! He 'll agree to it . Don 't worry . He loves you . " A few weeks later , we went to David 's wedding . Because I couldn 't care less about the situation , or what I looked like , I wore the same long , black velvet gown with bright maroon hair , matching lipstick , nails , shoes and jewelry . The only things I left at home were the turban , and the forehead jewel as my ' third eye . ' At the reception , David and Aliza came over to where we were standing . He said , " We 're so happy that you both came to our wedding , " and introduced us to his new bride . The bride looked at me and said , " You look so familiar ! I know you from somewhere . " I told her that I was thinking the same thing about her , but neither one of us could figure out from where . Avoiding the bride and groom , I grabbed my coat and made a quick escape to the parking lot ! I 've often wondered if Aliza ever made the connection . So much for my secret psychic career . If she tells on me , I 'll tell on her ! At this time every year , I go through a morbid depression . I get so depressed , that I can hardly function . This goes on from the first day of November to New Year 's Eve . It can 't be helped . It 's just there . It 's probably not all that uncommon . I think that when it comes to Thanksgiving , most of us have been wired to have that reaction from a very young age . Almost everyone I know hates the holidays . Especially , when it comes to having to tolerate the relatives that they wouldn 't otherwise speak to on the street . 1976 was the year that I became ' excused from the table ' for the very last time . The family members were seated at their usual places . In our family , the seating arrangements were set by one 's rank of importance . I can honestly say , that I wouldn 't know the experience of sitting at the same table with those who mattered . I had since the last time , eloped and moved to Ft . Knox , Kentucky , gave birth to my first son , moved to Stuttgart , Germany , gave birth to my second son , and , had my brains beat out almost every day that I was overseas . I came back to the U . S . and moved to Ft . Hamilton in Brooklyn , New York , and had my brains beat out almost every day that I was there . The last time my husband beat me , he convinced me that he was trying to kill me . I escaped with my two sons , and with hardly anything else , but my life . I made the mistake of going home to Ohio , and staying with my parents , and younger brother . Although I was encouraged to go back to my husband , I made it known that it just wasn 't going to happen . If I did , I wouldn 't be alive today . So , two months after I escaped , it was Thanksgiving day . It was the first time in six years that I 'd sat at the table with all the kids , including my two little boys . They were three and five years old . I was back in the situation that I ran away from in the first place . You could say that I 'd come full circle . It was the first time , and the very last . While everyone was well into eating , I stepped away from my table for a minute , to get something from the kitchen . My mother 's two sisters , Aunt Gale and Aunt Frankie , sprang up from their seats and walked past me , discreetly telling me to follow them . One of them whispered that they wanted to have a ' word in private ' with me . I walked behind them , down the hallway , into the main bathroom , wondering to myself what this could be about . After the bathroom door was shut and locked , they stood on both sides of me , like two fat , angry bookends . In a very rehearsed and planned way , they started telling me that what we were about to discuss was not to leave the room . I was to listen very carefully to what they had to say , follow their instructions , and not repeat it to anyone . Ever . As Aunt Frankie said , " Katie , this is just between us . " I couldn 't stop sobbing ! I could hear them talking on the other side of the wall , and I knew that they were talking about me . I couldn 't come out of the bathroom until I got the swelling down in my eyes . What was said in the bathroom , after all , was supposed to be private , and I couldn 't show that I was upset . I took a wash rag , ran cold water on it , making a compress to hold against my face for a few minutes . The swelling just wouldn 't go away , and my eyes were blood red . As hard as I tried , I couldn 't stop crying . I put more make - up on my face , but it was evident that I was upset . I had to go out there and be among those people . I couldn 't leave my kids alone at the table for long . I came out of the bathroom , and went past the kitchen table where they were sitting . I looked at them , first with embarrassment , hoping that no one would notice my face and ask me what was wrong . I had nothing to worry about , there . As I was walking past them , the conversation stopped , and they all stared down at their plates . Seeing how not one person in the room would even look at me , I realized that the ' private talk ' I had with Frankie and Gale wasn 't exactly private . It was an intervention . They appointed themselves to have the chance to quietly throw me out of my parents ' house . They did my mother 's talking for her . My feelings of being embarrassed , changed into rage and betrayal . If she felt that way about me and my kids being there , why didn 't she just say it to me , herself ? Why did she involve everyone that I ever loved in my life ? And , on Thanksgiving Day ? I started to make my way to the ' children 's table . ' I stopped walking , and turned around to look at all of them , sitting there . They were whispering as I started to walk , but the whispering stopped when I turned around . I stared at them all , too angry and hurt to utter a word . I thought to myself , Oh , that 's right ! That 's why I left in the first place ! " The radio dial was on the 60 's station , and there were plenty of magazines on the rack to choose from . Down in the shampoo and manicure area , the chairs were filled with women getting work done . Paul was upstairs mixing hair dye to put in my hair . I sat in the swivel chair , with a plastic cape draped across the front of me . With a magazine as my shield , and the music as my helmet , I was prepared to avoid this room full of pretentious , self - centered , self - entitled , self - important bitches . Experience has taught me to avoid them any way I can , like the Bubonic plague . The woman in the chair to my left was describing her profession to her hairdresser . She said , " I have a therapy practice , you know , and I 'm working from home . It 's a great way to conduct business and keep an eye on my kids at the same time . " Applying dye to her hair , the hairdresser went along with the conversation , asking where the office was set up . She said , " My office is in the garaaahge . My clients have more privacy there . " After I heard that , I had to look at her . There wasn 't any other choice . I looked up discreetly , and glanced at her face in the reflection of the mirror in front of us . It was hard to imagine anyone being screwed up enough to go see someone in a garage for psychological help . Let alone , having that awful woman sitting on the other side of the desk , taking copious notes , and telling you why you 're crazy ! The hairdresser finished applying the dye on the therapist 's hair . She gave her a magazine to read while waiting for the color to develop , and went upstairs . The therapist had no one else on our side of the room to bore , so she decided to bore us . Paul started in about how Bill Clinton probably messed things up for Hillary in the primaries , because of his fooling around . The women pleaded his case , saying that ' power is the biggest aphrodisiac in the world , and women throw themselves at powerful men , all the time . ' After much deliberation , they exonerated him with the idea that , since he was the most powerful man in the world , the temptation was simply an occupational hazard . Paul grabbed my shoulders and said , " I bet you 'd fuck ' em , wouldn 't you , Katie ! " I said , " I would not ! " He said , " Oh , yes you would ! Anyone would ! I 'd fuck ' em if he asked me to ! " I said , " You 'd fuck anyone who would ask you to , Paul ! " Paul said , " Well , let me ask you this , Katie : If there was a gun pointed at your head , and you had to fuck either Bill Clinton , or George W . Bush - - which one of them would you pick ? You 've got three seconds to answer the question . Pick one ! " I said , " These are my choices ? " He started counting , " One ! Two ! I 've got the gun to your head - - what 's it gonna be , Katie ? " I yelled , " Go ahead and shoot me ! I 'm not gonna do it ! " The therapist said , " What 's wrong with you ? Why didn 't you just say , ' Clinton ? ' That 's a no - brainer ! " I said , " I 'm done with this conversation , and I don 't want to talk about it any more . " She said , " Oooh - - so , you must be a Republican ! " I said , " What 's this ? You 're doing your therapy on me now ? I don 't want to fuck Bill Clinton , so that makes me a Republican ? " Still fuming , she glared at me in the mirror . I stared at my magazine , feeling her contempt . She said with a mean , threatening tone , " Well , I think he 's VERY attractive ! " I said , " Well good . There 's more for you then , isn 't there ? " She was just about to react . I was just about to stomp her ass in the floor , if she did ! Paul came back downstairs with another bowl of hair dye , to finish hilighting my hair . The therapist kept her mouth shut , until her hairdresser returned . A wise choice . After going through countless applications and failing to find someone literate enough to fill the part - time cashier position , I gave up and tried a more ' face value ' approach : Can I tolerate you enough to train you ? Are you aquainted with soap and water ? Do you have at least one front tooth ? I finally found a candidate , who I thought , fit this criteria . His greatest asset was his pick - up truck . I decided that he could at least load merchandise on the shelves and make sure that all the items had price tags on them . I told him that I wanted to hire him , and we agreed on a date and time to meet at my store . Randy came in to fill out the employee tax form and discuss the starting date . Being too busy congratulating himself for having landed his vast career , he didn 't bother to shave , shower , or brush the teeth he had . He wore an ensemble of unwashed ' wifebeater ' tank top , cut - off sweat pants , and bright yellow flip - flops . I stepped back and stared down at the floor , rethinking the situation . Clearly , this was a deal breaker ! All I could say to him was , " I 'll have to give it some thought and call you later . " He tried to shake my hand . I kept my arms crossed and said , " Oh , I don 't shake hands . " He told everyone in this town that he was hired to work in my store . When I made it official that it wasn 't going to happen , he spread rumors that my business was failing . He said that I couldn 't afford to pay him the salary he deserved , so he turned down the job . Even more disturbing , is that most of the people he told this story to , believed him . They were right about one thing : He 's the only person around here I 've found who probably could have done the job . In the last six years , no one else has come close to qualifying . Perhaps I should consider the idea of lowering my standards . Until then , I remain here at the check - out counter - - standing all alone . As the saying goes , " When the student is ready , the teacher appears . " Fred Poole , founder of Authentic Writing does not teach you how to write . He does something far more important . He helps you realize your passion for writing ! Discovering this group is one of the best things that ever happened to me ! No matter how tired I am on Wednesday night , I can 't wait to dial the group number from the phone at my desk ! It 's like going to a party - - however , we 're there to put words on paper , and read them to each other ! Writers of every level call in from all over the country ! The subjects we write about , and the emotions we feel are limitless . I 've learned a lot about writing just by listening to the others read their stories . The feedback we give each other is always loving and encouraging . Ira bought me a camera for Christmas , two years ago . It 's a Canon Rebel T1i , and much too intimidating for a person like me to just take out of the box and start using it . I 'm not good with new gadgets . In between customers , I figured out how to put it together and took a few pictures of the store . The activity scared me for some reason . I put the camera on a bookshelf , and it sat there until about a month ago . I signed up for an adult education class , called , Introduction To Digital Photography . The day the first class was to begin , I stood at the counter and worked with the buttons of the camera to remember how to turn it on and snap a picture . It was the least I should know when I showed up to class that night . The first two classes , I sat in the back and spoke to absolutely no one , not even the teacher . I listened to everything he had to say , and took copious notes . This was the first time I 'd heard any photography terms , like , shutter speed , aperture , ISO , depth of field , and such . It 's the same as learning a new language . I wrote it all down with every intention to look all these things up on You Tube . We were given our first homework assignment , to be done during Easter vacation . We were told stand at a highway and take pictures of speeding cars . We were to change the aperture and shutter speeds , or what showed up in my head , as turning the dials one notch , after each shot . Once we 've downloaded our photos , we could see how they 've turned out . Then , we were to analyze them , by taking notes of which modes the camera was on , when the shots were taken . This way , we could get a good idea as to what our cameras can and cannot do . Then , there was the task of learning how to download the software that came with the camera , onto my Mac . I 'm not even good at using my new Mac , but I managed it . From there , I had to figure out how to import the photos from my camera , to the new software . On the backs of each photo , I wrote out the combination I used to get each affect . To get the information needed for that , I had to locate each photo on the LCD screen on the back of the camera . It took a while to figure out how to get that info . I couldn 't find these details on the software . I 'm sure it 's there 's a way to find it , and maybe I 'll learn how to do it some day . I packed up my photos , and rushed out of the store . Driving to class , I was very proud of what I 'd figured out on my own . There was so much new information in my head , that nothing was really clear to me about what I 'd done . But , it was my own invented way of learning how to start doing all of this stuff . Walking down the hallway , and through the classroom door , I heard the teacher saying , " You know , you paid a lot of money for this class . I can stand up here and give you verbal instruction until I 'm blue in the face . But , unless you pick up your cameras and try them out , I can 't really teach you anything . " As I rushed to my desk at the back of the room , the looks on their faces told me that once again , I was the only person in the class that bothered to do my homework , just like the writing class . We spent the next hour and a half discussing lighting , and different ways of using flashes , according to the affects the photographer would be hoping for . The teacher looked at the clock on the wall , and said that we had thirty minutes left , and he had nothing else to say . He asked us if anyone in the room had any questions , which no one did . The teacher came over to my desk , picked up my photos , and told the class that we were going to examine my work . We spent the rest of the time in class , watching him hold up my photos and reading the backs of them , explaining what I did to get certain effects . He said , " What are these little pictures you drew , here ? A tulip ? A running man ? " I said , " I don 't even know the names of the symbols on the dial , yet , so I just drew them , so when I learn everything later , I 'll know what I did . " When he held up the photo of the store , I said , " My camera was a Christmas present . That 's the first picture I 've ever taken with it . " He said , " Class , what 's wrong with this picture ? " A few of them said , " The snow is blue . " He went into an elaborate explanation as to how the reflection of the snow under the blue sky causes the blue affect , and how I could 've done it differently to prevent that mistake . He held up the photos of daffodils - - one with a bee sitting inside it , and the other , of a bee flying around some daffodils . The class really liked those , and asked me what mode my camera was on when I caught the bees so well . While I was proudly explaining it , the teacher held up one of them and said , " By the way , does anyone have any comments about the composition ? " I said , " I wasn 't going for composition ! I 'm just trying to figure out how my camera works ! That 's why I 'm here . " He nodded his head , and agreed that the composition was not good . As he kept going through my photos , telling the class what was wrong with each shot , and how I could 've done it right , I felt that old familiar feeling come over me . I watched the faces of the other students , who brought nothing . They were taking what was mine , and looking for something wrong with it . I thought to myself , ' There must be something in the water these people are drinking ! Once again , I 'm the only person who 's willing to do my homework , and show it to the class , and this is what I have to go through whenever I try to learn something ! ' I wondered if anyone could tell how annoyed I was . He put his hand on his heart , and said , " Well , it 's just that I 've been doing this for forty years , and I can tell an amateur right away . For what she did with the limited skills she has , she did very well . I 'm going to help her become much better . " We hadn 't even moved in . There were no beds , no hot water , and there was at least a foot of snow on the ground . And yet , the most important thing in the world for Jay and Liz to do , was to bring Nick , my three year old grand son , up from Florida . They wanted him to experience snow , for the first time . They came with their sleeping bags , and slept upstairs . I slept on a mattress on the living room floor . We were to camp out like this until Ira returned from Brooklyn , the following week . After a few days of watching them in my backyard , sliding down the hill on the little sled I bought for Nick , I was exhausted . I told them that I was going to lie down , and take a nap . That 's when Liz decided that her son should try an indoor sport , and we should go rollerskating . While Jay was upstairs , getting dressed , she cornered me in the kitchen , and said , " Jay feels guilty about leaving you alone and going skating . He thinks because he only sees you about once a year , that he 's obligated to sit around this house with you all week and do nothing . " I said , " I didn 't say I wasn 't going with you . " We went to the Roller Magic Rink in Hyde Park . It was early afternoon , and we were going to skate during the ' kiddie session . ' Liz went ahead of us to purchase the tickets at the admissions desk . We stood waiting , with the crowd of little kids and their parents . Liz came back , and handed Jay his ticket . I held out my hand , waiting for her to give my ticket to me , but she didn 't buy me one . She walked towards the skate rental desk without looking back . I felt very out of place at that moment . Knowing the game for what it was , I snapped out of it very quickly . I turned around and went back to the admissions desk , and bought my own damned skating ticket . When I caught up with them , they were still standing in line at the skate counter , waiting to pick up their skates . She looked back at me , seeing the ticket in my hand , and she said , " Oh , I didn 't know you wanted to skate . " When I realized how it bothered her that I had a ticket , I knew it was going to be an interesting day ! We went to a bench to sit down and put on our skates . She took off Nick 's shoes and put the skates on his feet . When he stood up and tried to skate , he started crying an throwing a fit . While he was well into his tantrum , Liz took out her camera and told him to smile . He just kept screaming that he didn 't want the skates on his feet . We put our things in a locker , and headed for the rink . Liz handed me her camera to hold until she was ready to take more pictures of Nick . It had been thirty - five years since I 'd skated . I never mentioned to Jay that I 'd met his father in a skating rink a few weeks after my fifteenth birthday . It was one of those war stories that I 'd buried long ago , and never allowed myself to think about . The thought of getting out onto the rink still intimidated me . It looked larger than I 'd remembered , and would take a lot more energy than I 'd had in years . I 'd forgotten how the vibration of the rolling wheels made the soles of my feet tingle when I skated . I 'd forgotten that I had to use all the muscles in my ankles to keep my balance . But , I was slowly getting back to who I used to be , so many years ago . About twenty feet away from me , the sound of Nick screaming and crying came from the video game that he was hanging onto . I watched Liz trying to reason with him , telling him that she 'd payed seven dollars to rent his skates . She said that he could play the video game later , but he had to skate , first . His behavior got worse , and the people at the party were staring at him , getting annoyed . They were trying to sing ' Happy Birthday ' to the little girl , and his screaming was ruining the moment . I pointed at Nick , and said to the women nearby , " You see that kid , throwing a fit over there ? That 's my wonderful grandson , and that 's how his wonderful mother deals with him . " Liz saw me , and gave me a signal that she wanted to take pictures of Nick . They watched me as I rolled over to Liz , and handed her the camera . Then , I put some quarters into the slot of the video game , and got it going . Nick shut up , and started playing with it . The next thing in order , was for me to get onto the rink , and skate . As I was passing the party crowd , I yelled to the women who were watching me , " Here goes ! " One of them yelled back , " You go , Girl ! " That was all I needed to hear ! I gushed to myself as I got out there , " She called me a girl ! " Those words made me feel young , again ! There I was , rolling around the rink with about fifty little kids and their parents . I went around the rink a few times to get the feel of the wooden floor . Watching other people around me skate , I copied what they were doing . As they went around the curve , they crossed the right foot over the front of the left ankle . Then , they stepped to the left , with the left foot , and pushed with the right one , to pick up speed . I remembered that it was the thing to do , and dared myself to do it . I saw Liz and Jay standing at the edge of the rink . They were looking at me , like they were worried that I was going to fall down and kill myself . Through the loud speakers , the rocking beat of the song made me forget about being scared , and I started to dance ! I began to focus on the lyrics , and tried to sing along as if I knew the words . In between the drums and the horns , men were rapping , and screaming the words : " GO , MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! - - GO MUCHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! " I thought about how inappropriate that song was , for the kiddie session , or any session in a skating rink , for that matter . I wondered if anyone ever bothered to check the song list on the CDs , before they put them in the stereo . I looked around to see if my grandson was listening , but he was still playing the video game . No one else seemed to notice or care , either . The guy in the middle of the rink , with the striped referee shirt and whistle in his mouth , the parents , and their kids , were all skating to the rhythm of the song . As I rolled past the birthday party crowd , I heard clapping and cheering . The women were waving at me , yelling , " Here she comes ! You go , Girl ! " I waved back at them , very excited ! I skated around , wishing I had a better song to work with , but then , again , I realized that the song fit the circumstances perfectly well . I started singing , " GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO MUTHAH FUCKAH , GO ! " I spun around , did some fancy steps , skating backwards , dipping and swaying like the song was written just for me ! Every time I passed the party crowd , their cheers got louder and louder , yelling , " WHOOOOH ! Girlfriend 's got it goin ' on ! " Flashes from Liz 's camera blinded me for a few seconds , but I kept skating , hoping not to run over anyone . Jay came out to the rink and joined me . He started bouncing and doing steps , in time with the music . I followed along , doing the same steps . We joined hands and danced until the song was over . We slowed down to rest , sweating and catching our breath . Jay said , " Ma , you didn 't tell me you could skate like that ! " I said , " You didn 't ask . " |
This book is dedicated to two very special people in my life , my children , Josiah and Elizabeth . Thank you for giving a purpose to every day . You were the reason to go on and my will to keep living . Thankyou for your support with this book , I know it was not easy for you to read . I love you both so much and can 't imagine a life without the two of you in it ! This is also dedicated to my very special friend and brother of the heart , David who passed away from cancer in 2012 . There is not a day that goes by that I don 't miss you and wish I could pick up the phone and hear your voice , wisdom and wacky sense of humor . Heaven is a brighter place because of your presence there . Thanks must be given to a few people . First my mom . You have always believed in my ability to write and you 've encouraged me in this pursuit since I was a little girl . You were always there for me , even when you didn 't know what was going on . I love you very much ! Secondly , my Pastor . You were the first to know the whole story . You believed me and didn 't turn me away . You were there with help , encouragement , councel , acceptance and friendship these past 8 years . You never pushed when I was so slow at understanding . Thank you for your admonition to " Write what you know . " I also need to mention 3 very special ladies who have stood by me through the years , Pam , Jessie and Alice . You three have been my lifeline , you have laughed and cried with me over the years . . . and yes , even kept me sane believe it or not ! From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your friendship and love . And lastly , David and Edie . With shock and tears you learned the truth of my life and came alongside with love and encouragement . The help with proof - reading the book , computer " stuff " and just the ever present listening ear can never be repaid . FORWARD - Dr . Paul H . Parks ( Senior Pastor of Chegoggin Baptist Church ) " Life 's journey is seldom a simple thing . We are all by nature sinners in an imperfect world . Sometimes that journey is full of pain and sorrow . We often focus on the destination and not the journey itself . The " miles between " are so vital and the things we learn through those miles can be a help to others . Pain , difficulty and problems are universal , so I feel that this book can speak to a wide circle of people . Please do not judge to harshly either her , her husband or her precious family , they are sinners who are struggling as we all are . Each is a precious soul with their own journey and story , their own pain and struggles . Her purpose is not to malign , or to lash out but to give perspective and solace . We learn from the lives of others and we heal by the help we render . Second Corinthians 1 : 3 - 4 , " Blessed be God , even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ , the Father of mercies , and the God of all comfort ; who comforteth us in all our tribulation , that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble , by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God . " This volume is part of her healing . Writing things out gives her a focus , and an opportunity to deal with things and examine them from another perspective . She is an engaging author , the writing is simple , witty , and compelling and heart felt , filled with humor , sorrow and empathy . This book will be able to be placed in the hands of Pastors and leaders that seek to understand something that seems so alien from them ( Proverbs 20 : 5 ) . It will be able to be placed in the hands of those who may be living lives of quiet desperation in similar circumstances . It will be able to be placed in the hands of the Christian who may be encouraged and directed in compassion and grace . It may be placed in the hands of the lost soul seeking Christ . I am trying to do " Gary " ( named changed ) good and not evil for my remaining days on earth . I don 't want where once fear lived to be filled with bitterness and anger . To be honest there are days when this is extremely difficult for me , but I press on . Gary suffers from bi - polar . There are many symptoms associated with this but the ones he displayed most were , depression , agitation , irritability , anxiety , panic attacks , insomnia , aggressiveness , unable to concentrate , impulsiveness , unpredictable mood swings , anger , inappropriate sexual activity , delusions and hallucinations . He is also schizophrenic and developed psychotic depressions where he would lose contact with reality and he subsequently developed major problems working or being able to function socially . On top of all this he also developed Parkinsons ! A normal homelife and relationships became difficult if not impossible . Over the course of 22 years he also suffered 5 major breakdowns . As you progress through my story you might find yourself as confused as I am at times wondering what was illness induced behavior and what wasn 't . I tried for years to understand this and it drove me to the point of desperation . I honestly can 't tell you and I try not to pick it apart anymore . What happened just happened and it can 't be changed and trying to figure it out is impossible , so I ask you not to get bogged down with it . There are two groups of people I wish to address . First , if you 're being abused it is imperative that you find someone you can TRUST and that you TALK to them ! You will have feelings that they don 't care at times , but realize that you are projecting your perceived worthlessness as coming from them ! Realize also that you are stronger than you think you are , you have survived to this point and there IS hope ! Don 't rush the healing process . It might take a long time to deal with certain issues and that 's ok . I 'm still struggling with things from the past . Even with writing this preface I realize that I 'm still very angry about the past , I still have things I need to figure out and deal with ; its not a " snap the finger " fix . The second group I with to say something to are the ones who will be approached by a hurting soul . Not everyone approached is a pastor or someone trained to deal with abuse , so here are a couple of things to keep in mind . First of all encourage them to seek help from a professional . Most likely though , they will want to talk with you , someone they know and trust first . Don 't trivialize their experiences , feelings and fears . These are traumatic events that will have a lifelong impact on them , your response will determine the amount of trust they will place in you . It took a tremendous amount of courage for them to break the silence and come to you ! Let them set the pace for sharing , everyone deals with things in different ways and speeds . It takes a long time to deal with certain issues and you might find yourself becoming frustrated with them . Be patient and just be there . They need to know that they can tell you anything without fear of judgement . I need to state here that I am not a professional trained in dealing with abuse , I am a survivior and am just telling things from that side of the coin . My actions would have been different in the past knowing what I do now . During those years I didn 't have the 20 / 20 vision that hindsight has afforded me today . It 's a scary thing to open up and share your deepest secrets and worst nightmare 's , the fear of judgement and rejection is very real in my mind . A journey begins with a single step and a book begins with a single word , so I guess I 've begun . My story is simple but sad and unfortunately extremely common . Abuse . . . emotional , physical , sexual and religious is the reality that to many women live with . . . it was my reality . What others would find horrific becomes a daily " norm " for those living with an abusive husband . You will note that I 'm using the word survivor instead of victim . The word victim conjures a negative image . Anyone who has lived with abuse and emerged the other side is a survivor . Negative feelings abound plenty without adding a negative title to who you view yourself to be ! I sat looking at a bottle of sleeping pills , muscle relaxants and morphine . Life held nothing but hurt , fear and hopelessness . I just couldn 't take it anymore . Everything that I had buried inside for 19 years had come spilling out in just 48 hours and I was in a state of shock , confusion and uncontrollable terror . Events that had been repressed in order to survive were flooding into my consciousness at a speed that was so overwhelming that I was drowning in fear . September 1983 . . . moving day ! I was so excited . I was 20 and moving into my first apartment in the city . I had been hired as a secretary at a missionary outreach . The Pastor there was the director of a book room , monthly magazine and daily radio broadcast that was heard in many countries . My job was to deal with the Canadian correspondence , generated by donations and requests . They also owned an apartment building next door which was primarily a retirement home for Christian seniors . The top floor was set aside for staff living quarters . I had a cute bachelor apartment . One whole wall was windows where I could see the Halifax harbor . There was a kitchen off the livingroom at one end and a " bedroom " area at the other end . A small entryway with a coat closet on one side and a little bathroom on the other completed the apartment . . . and it was mine ! The only other young people my age working there were David and Edward , and it wasn 't long before we started hanging out together . I quickly developed a close friendship with David , nothing mushy , just a close brother sister type bond . His mom and dad , Esther and George became my second family . . . to this day they hold a special place in my heart . As close as I was to David I longed for a girl friend and she soon came into my life . Peter was added to the staff a few months after I arrived , and his wife Pam was just the person I had been waiting for . We were soon best friends . Prior to coming to work in Halifax I had been involved with someone . One night he decided that he was not going to wait any longer and wanted more than a good - night kiss . I ended up fighting him off and being thrown out of the car . The fact that the Pastor was standoffish suited me just fine , not that I felt threatened by him in any way ; but already having been hurt by two men ( I had been molested as a teenager ) I had developed a wariness around men in authority . Anytime however that he did have reason to find me left me a nervous wreck ! I 'm sure however that he did not know what to do with me , let me give you a couple of examples . My dad passed away just 12 days after my 16th birthday , and my mother lived alone in the Annapolis Valley . One day I got a call that she had broken her leg . I asked for a couple of days off so that I could go home to help her out but was denied . So Pam and I decided to leave right after work the next day , but I had to be back to work the following morning at 9 : 00am . We spent the evening helping mom with odd jobs that had to be looked after , and making sure she had what she needed close . By 1 : 00 am Pam nor I had been able to get to sleep , so we decided just to jump in the car , housecoat , slippers and all and head back to Halifax . I don 't know when the Pastor ever slept ; he made rounds in the apartment building at all times during the night . Pam and I were just heading out of the underground parking garage into the lobby when we found ourselves face to face with him . He took in our state of dress and the time , then without a word left the building ! I waited the whole next day at work to be called into his office but the call never came . A few months later Pam decided to go home by herself to New Brunswick to visit her family for a week . A couple of nights after she left I awoke from a deep sleep around 1 : 00am . I can 't remember what I had been dreaming but I had a burning compulsion that I just had to talk to Pam right away . Our apartments were beside one another and a minute later I was knocking at her door . . . then the elevator door opened and there was the Pastor . Again , he never said a word . He took in my state of dress , the time , the fact that I was at Peter 's door with his wife away in the middle of the night ! He just got back in the elevator and left . That 's when I finally woke up enough to realize where I was and what I was doing ! I never did hear anything about the incident ; like I said . . . I don 't think he knew just quite what to do with me ! I had dreamed of getting married and having children since I was a little girl . The problem was there were no prospects on the horizon . This fact did not stop these determined people , they were on the hunt and there was no stopping them ! Peter had become like an older brother to me , so one night when he told me that he had met someone he thought would be perfect for me I trusted him completely . He said that he had been talking with a young man who had started coming into the bookroom . I had never seen him because I worked in an office on the second floor and never had much need for going downstairs . I was told that his name was Gary , apparently he had seen me one day and had started asking Peter questions about me . I am not by nature an outgoing person and the thought of meeting and talking with a stranger was unnerving to say the least . So my four co - conspirators got together and hatched a plan for us to meet . It was decided that the six of us would get together after a Sunday evening service at John and Linda 's . I was to bring my guitar , and finding out that Gary played guitar as well , he was asked to bring his . Somehow Peter manipulated things so that I found myself driving with Gary in his Camero to the house . It was so funny watching everyone that evening . Everything that was said and done had a double meaning ! At one point I found myself changing diapers and being told by Pam that it was really going to " impress Gary that I knew how to take care of a baby ! " I found it highly amusing that my best friend 's good intentions had her relaxing and me changing her child 's dirty diaper ! Valentine 's Day fell in the middle of the following week , and I received a surprise at work . Peter sent Gary to the staff room and then came and got me . Gary had noticed on Sunday evening that my guitar needed new strings . he brought me strings and a card ! I ran over to my apartment and got my guitar . He spent the next hour or so restringing and tuning the guitar while I tried to work at my desk . Before he left he asked me out to supper that Friday night . I was one of the leaders of the youth group at church and had been busy planning a Valentines Banquet for that evening . It was decided that I would go and do the youth group activity , then meet up with him , Peter and Pam for a double date at a Chinese restaurant . It was nearly 9 : 00pm when we got to the restaurant . I love Chinese food , but I had eaten at the church and wasn 't really all that hungry . Pam kept kicking me under the table and whispering to me that I had to eat something because Gary was paying for it . Needless to say , I was stuffed when we finally left ! As we left the restaurant something happened that I was always fearful would happen in public . I was born with a condition called " hip dysplasia " , simply put , I don 't have a left hip socket . The condition is painful because it is just bone rubbing on bone ( my left leg is also a bit shorter because of this ) . At times when I walk my leg just " gives out " on me and I can fall if I 'm not careful . This is what happened when I went down the outside stairs at the restaurant that night . I laughed it off , but inside I was so embarrassed and worried . Would Gary want to date someone who had a birth defect like this ? I didn 't have to wait long to find out . That Sunday evening Gary and I spent at Peter and Pam 's and the following week he started calling me at night . I was excited but also apprehensive about what his response would be when he found out about my disability . I didn 't have long to wait . During our second call he asked me if I had hurt my leg because he noticed that I walked with a slight limp . I told him about my hip problem and also about two back surgeries I had when I was 13 which left me with a huge scar on my back . He got very quiet , then said that he would have to think about whether or not he wanted to pursue a relationship with me . I hung up with all my insecurities rearing their ugly heads at me again . I had grown up laughed at and bullied because of my limp and the fact that I had to wear a lift on my left shoe . I remember coming home from high school one day and getting a screwdriver and taking the lift off all my shoes . I couldn 't take the constant ridicule anymore . Now once again I found myself being judged for a disability I had no control over . The feelings of not being " good enough " , and wanting to hide came back in full force . I found myself hoping that he would overlook these " failings " and accept me . A couple of days later he called back and said that he had decided to keep seeing me . I was so relieved that I had been " accepted " that I ignored the first red flag that raised itself in my mind . I had unknowingly taken the first step down into a pit of control and abuse . He had accepted me despite the obvious flaws and I should be grateful . In his mind I now " owed " him for this favor . Becoming controlled by another person doesn 't happen overnight . A person who is obsessive , manipulative and overbearing has a built in radar , it seems to zone in on the weaknesses and inferiority 's of another . All my life I had just wanted to be accepted , to fit in and feel normal and he was " bestowing " on me that opportunity . That Sunday night after church Gary offered to carry my guitar back to my apartment . When we got to the door he asked if he could come in and pray with me before he went home . I thought that was so nice and said OK . He prayed , then asked if he could kiss me good - night . It was our first kiss . I never saw what was coming . I knew that men could lose control quickly because of what had happened the year before to me by the guy I had been seeing , but Gary shredded that record all to pieces . I kept saying no , but he wasn 't listening , he had a goal in mind and there was no stopping him . For years I 've wondered why I didn 't fight him , but looking back I think I was afraid of being beaten again . It all happened so fast , I was left dazed and in pain . I had been a virgin was the only thing that kept repeating over and over in my mind . . . I had been , but no more . I was to stunned to cry . I just lay there in pain and shock listening to him crying and promising that it would never happen again . He kept begging me to forgive him . When I didn 't say anything he started telling me that Jesus commanded us to forgive one another , therefore it was my obligation as a Christian to forgive him . I don 't remember saying much to him that night . He left and I started to cry . I just couldn 't comprehend what had just happened ! I felt confused , and totally hurt by God . . . why had He let this happen ? What was I being punished for ? Not once did it occur to me to go to anyone . I felt so much humiliation and shame that I knew I could never talk about it . . . and I didn 't . It got buried in the back of my mind with the other abuses . Unless you are someone who has been raped you cannot understand the torment , shame and guilt that floods the soul . For some reason the sin of the abuser becomes the force that drives the abused . There is no understanding this , I 've tried for years , its just what happens . The abused takes the blame and responsibility for what has occurred , even though it 's the force from hell that broke them . After a couple of days he started calling again every night . He worked nights as a janitor at a school . Somehow despite all the work he had to do , he still found time to talk for at least an hour each night . I was wary at first and unsure of myself . On Saturday he brought me flowers and was very much a gentleman , and I let my guard down . In a sick way I still felt flattered that he wanted to see me . Looking back I realize that I was very immature and naive about things . Don 't misunderstand me , I am not in any way excusing Gary from the responsibility of what he did ( and kept doing ) , I 'm just saying that 's just the way it was . Nothing makes sense about what happened , if only I had gone to someone for help ! I was being broken bit by bit until the guilt was so terrible it was eating me alive . There were always tears and promises from him , and like a fool I accepted these declarations as truth , only to find myself burned again and again . It didn 't take long for me to feel like the scum of the earth , and that I didn 't deserve anything better . I was " used " property ; what decent Christian man would ever want me for a wife ? Its only been recently that I understand how this type of abuser works . They pick up on the low self - esteem , the emotional dependency , and the pliability of the person they are controlling , and they become masters of deception . This doesn 't negate the responsibility that I had to protect myself , but it showed me what an easy target I was and how quickly I became snagged and trapped . He soon had me believing that if I broke up with him it would be a sin . I had lost my virginity to him , therefore ending up with someone else would make me a whore in God 's eyes . . . and in God 's mind I belonged with him and only him . This is called religious abuse , using God as a scare tactic , a bully , to control the other person . How I ended up believing this was true I don 't know , I just know that I did . Within six weeks of starting to see him he had asked me to marry him . I found myself despite everything , excited . It meant that I could have a family ; it also meant that I could stop feeling so much guilt and shame every time he demanded sex . . . I so wanted rid of those feelings ! I had a lot of doubts about marrying him . Each time these thoughts came into my mind I would push them away . I felt this was my only option . The date was set for October 5 , 1985 , seven months away . I 've asked myself this same question for years , " why was I so stupid ? " I have no answer . How does anyone get duped ? You listen to lies and half truths long enough and that 's what you start to believe . Sometimes believing the lies is easier than facing the truth . I can honestly say that I was in love with the thought of marriage , not with who I was marrying . Not long after we became engaged we went to visit my mom . I was nervous about the two of them meeting , they were the exact opposites . My mom is a very outgoing , life of the party kind of person . I grew up in a home where laughter , jokes and fun were the norm . Gary on the other hand was a very quiet , intense , introverted and serious person . He grew up in a home where fighting , yelling and back - biting was the norm . We left on a Friday after work with plans to spend the whole weekend . Saturday morning started off with a water fight between mom and I . Here we were in our bathrobes chasing each other around the house with cups of water . We were laughing and just plain having a riot of a time . Mom eventually won , pushing me out onto the front step and locking the door . I sat there laughing my head off . . . but Gary wasn 't impressed . He was soon in a yelling match with mom accusing her of child abuse ! I stood between them crying and begging them both to stop . Mom finally told him to get out of her house . Looking back now I wish with all of my heart that I had stayed with mom that day , my life would have turned out so differently . But I didn 't . I packed my things and left with Gary . It was a quiet drive home . I couldn 't defend mom to him , he just wouldn 't listen , so I gave up . That day set the scene for what life would be like between the two of them . . . tense , with me always caught in the middle trying to smooth things out . It was also the start of me pulling inward , changing who I really was in order to please Gary . I stopped laughing and joking as much and became quieter , always guaging my actions to suit whatever mood he was in . I learned to always check what I was going to say and do before I said it and did it ; its a hard way to live . Gary was very possessive of me . This quickly became apparent to others , but not so much to me . As I earlier stated , he would call every night and expect me to be there . Sometimes it would be an hour or more , or if there were people in the school like with parent / teacher interview nights , it might be just for a few minutes ; but I was expected to answer when he called . I remember one evening Pam and I went to visit Lisa a friend from church . I had not told Gary because it was a spur of the moment decision to go . I guess he kept calling during the evening and by the time I got home he was furious with me . He accused me of choosing Pam over him . I spent most of the call in tears apoligizing and promising not to do it again . This was another step into the pit . It set the stage for a lifetime of having to ask permission to go and do anything . Slowly I backed off from my friends to make sure I was always available to him . I became skilled at explaining why I couldn 't go places or do things that I had always enjoyed . Pam started making remarks about me not having time for her anymore . I became an expert at hiding my true feelings behind my smile and learned to always appear happy . I had to make this work . Doubts were from the devil , I had to make God 's will work . . . right ? Not only did he take control of who I saw and when , but he became increasingly jealous of David , to the point that if I even looked in David 's general direction at church I would be accused of cheating on him ! So I became even more zealous at checking what I said or did . It is amazing the twists that he could put on even the most innocent of statements . My heart broke at losing one of my dearest and best friends . Deep down I knew I had been horribly short - changed but it was just another loss that I had to accept . I did what I was becoming very good at doing . . . I buried the hurt , smiled and pretended that all was right in my world . One Saturday Gary called and told me to come over to his place . He had the basement apartment in his parents home in Dartmouth . It took me two buses and a 15 minute walk . When I got there he and his parents were in the yard trying to put together a double bed that he had bought . I never understood why it was being put together outside instead of inside the apartment ! I never said anything , I just stood in shocked silence while Gary exploded in rage at his mom screaming at her that she was an idiot ! I was horrified . I had been raised to honor your father and mother . Even though I disagreed with what she had said , I started to defend her . Gary turned on me then , telling me to shut - up that I was just as useless as his mother . I turned and left the yard in tears . Halfway up the street I felt a hand take my arm . It was Gary 's dad . He calmed me down and told me to just ignore him , that he was just upset and would get over it . He explained that Gary and his mother always fought like this , but that it would blow over and be like it never happened . The red flags went up in my mind again , but I ignored them and let him take me back to the house . Gary never did apologize to me or his mother , and I soon came to realize that this was normal in this family ! The saying , " How a man treats his mother is how he will treat his wife " came to me and it honestly scared me ; but I felt trapped and just prayed that we would be the exception to that rule . Gary soon started to share the things his mom thought about me . The one thing that she was most critical about was my weight . I weighed between 150 and 160 lbs at the time . Gary started nagging me about it telling me that he was embarrassed at times to be seen with me . So I went on a crash diet of only carrots and onion chip dip ! I ate so many bags of carrots over the next few weeks that my skin took on an orange hue ! I lost 10 lbs but to this day I hate carrots ! The criticism continued however from both Gary and his mother . I was never good enough . One day in the Spring of that year I realized that I might be pregnant ! I was terrified ! I kept waiting day after day for my period to come . David knew that something was wrong and cornered me at work one day . I finally told him what I feared . I 've been told in the past year that many people knew that something wasn 't right and thought Gary was a little strange , but they didn 't really know what to do . David was at a loss , but he didn 't know the whole story so didn 't know what to tell me . Thankfully a couple of days later I was able to tell him that it had been a false alarm . I could see the concern in his eyes but I made myself turn and walk away . I never talked to him again about Gary . I became more anxious as the date of the wedding came closer . I just wanted to get it over with , I was hoping that this terrible shame and guilt would just vanish . Mom kept asking me if I was sure . She wasn 't happy with the whole thing and well I knew it ! The day after I had handed out the wedding invitations at work various co - workers started showing up in my office telling me that they would be unable to attend the wedding . I became uneasy wondering what was going on . When I got home from work I went over to Pam 's and found her in tears and Peter angry . Before they could say anything it dawned on me what was happening . We were getting married in the Valley at the church I had grown up attending . That did not go over well at all with the Pastor . He had forbidden any of the staff to attend and Peter and Pam were to have no part in it ! I became very upset . . . Peter had his hands full with both his wife and now me in hysterics ! I spent the night in tears . The next morning I didn 't go into work until after 10 : 00 am . On the way I met the Pastor , he was coming to get me . I was taken upstairs to a apartment which was above the print shop and placed in the middle of the room in front of all the senior staff . Peter , Pam and Esther ( David 's mom ) were also present . I sat there and was lectured on how sinful I was for getting married in another church . The Pastor believed that there was no other churches in the Maritimes that preached the truth ! I was then told in no uncertain terms that no one would be permitted to attend or have anything to do with my wedding . After about 10 minutes of this listening to this lecture I was then asked if I had anything to say . I don 't know where I found the courage but I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn 't care in the least that he wouldn 't be there . I then stated that the only ones I cared to have come were Pam , Esther and David . Then without waiting to be told I could leave , I got up and left . I was shaking by the time I got to the bookroom . I went over to the display of bulletins and got a box of wedding ones to replace the ones that I couldn 't use anymore . I went to my office and ignoring the work on my desk , spent the remainder of the morning typing up new bulletins omitting Peter and Pam as attendants . David came in a couple of times wanting to know what in the world was going on . He had seen the Pastor coming in with me and knew I had disappeared with most of the staff , including his mom upstairs . When I had finished the new bulletins I went with him into the staff room and told him what had happened . He was furious and was on the verge of quitting . After I had calmed him down , he assured me that no matter what anyone said to him , he would be at my wedding . I put in my two week notice that I would be quitting that day . A little side - note here . . . on the day of the wedding Peter had to work . When it became to late for him to get to the church , the Pastor gave him the rest of the day off ! David , Pam and Esther were all there ! October 5 , 1985 . . . my wedding day . I get very jealous when I hear women saying that their wedding day was the happiest day of their lives . To me it meant the beginning of no return . My Aunt Janet came into the bedroom that morning and helped me with my make - up . I put on a smile and determined to keep it there all day . I kept telling myself that this was the day I had been waiting for , the day when the guilt and shame could be erased . I remember being at the back of the church waiting . The door to the sanctuary was on the left and the door leading out of the church was on the right . I wanted so much to go out the door on the right , but I felt I had no choice , this was God 's will and I was doing the right thing . . . I thought ! The first person I saw when I started down the aisle was Pam . She was near the back and in tears . I had to shut my heart off to the emotions swirling about inside me . Hearing the words , " I now pronounce you husband and wife " , was like hearing jail doors clanging in my head . . . it was now time to serve my sentence . To some of you reading , this might sound overly dramatic , but it was the way I felt , divorce could not be an option , this was until death parted us ; and in the years to come that would become almost a daily prayer . Despite my longings , that night did nothing to erase the guilt and shame that I had been carrying deep in my heart , and I cried myself to sleep . We went around the Cabot Trail for our honeymoon . You can be aware of things before you get married , but being with someone 24 / 7 makes things real . Gary was a very selfish , critical person , not only with me but with whomever he was dealing with . There was not one meal that he found to his liking and many of them were returned with nasty comments . At the Canso Causeway I finally took exception to the way he treated the girl waiting on us . After exploding at me in the middle of the restaurant , it was a very quiet trip back to Dartmouth ! A couple of weeks after getting home was Thanksgiving . I had never prepared a turkey dinner before and was a little nervous about it . Gary was a perfectionist and everything had to be just right . . . well . . . that didn 't happen ! Never having cooked a turkey before I didn 't know that you were not suppose to turn it over while cooking . Gary liked the breast dry with a crispy skin , well that 's not what he ended up with . When I tried to take the turkey out of the roaster it fell apart . The skin was saturated with the fat that it had been sitting in the last 1 / 2 of the cooking time . To say he was not pleased would be an understatement . While listening to him rant at what an idiot I was , I was trying to pick out some meat that would please him . Being busy with that I didn 't notice the gravy boil over and catch on fire ! To say the meal was a disaster can 't come close . He ended up going upstairs to eat his mother 's meal while I cleaned up the mess and tried to salvage something from it for myself . Needless to say I never turned a turkey over again ! Just before Christmas of 1985 I found out that I was pregnant . I was so excited ! I loved babies and had always dreamed of being a mother . Gary was also happy but in the process became even more controlling , after all I was carrying his child , so he had the say about everything . How he ever gave me permission to take knitting classes in the evenings with my friend Jessie I 'll never figure out . Peter and Pam had moved back to New Brunswick not long after the wedding fiasco . I missed Pam terribly . Eventually however another special person came into my life . Jessie and her husband David and their two children were friends from church . After getting settled in Gary 's apartment I realized that they only lived a little ways away . We soon became close friends . Taking this knitting class together was so much fun ! I made a little sweater and a bunting bag . After the classes were finished Gary expected me to stop seeing and talking to Jessie , well she was having none of that . Jessie saw things for what they were right from the start and never let him get away with anything where I was concerned . Gary hated her for it , and they would butt heads many times over the years because of me . Jessie proved to be a true and loyal friend and has always been there for me . When I was 34 weeks pregnant I developed toxemia and gestational diabetes and was put in the hospital on complete bed rest . I underwent a test in which they can determine if the baby 's lungs are developed enough to breathe on their own if they are born early . My little one 's lungs were mature enough and on Sunday July 6th 1986 , five weeks early , I gave birth to a healthy red - headed little boy whom we named Josiah Kyle . I was scared at first as to what Gary would do with a son with red hair . He had said many times during my pregnancy that he hated red hair . With both of us having dark hair I didn 't think the risk was high even though my dad had been a red head and both my sister and Aunt Janet have red hair . But , here he was . A 6 lb 11 oz baby boy with bright red hair . Gary never said a word again about red hair after that day . It had been a very hard labor and delivery . Gary had spent the entire time sitting in a chair on the other side of the room not helping me at all . Josiah was born with the aid of forceps which tore me severely and left me with a long and difficult recovery . After a week in the hospital I was discharged and told to take it easy . I had a visiting nurse ( VON ) for the first couple of weeks after I got home . Even though I was still very weak and not able to move very good I had no choice but to get right back at taking care of Gary and the house . One day the VON showed up and got very put out with Gary when she found me up and making dinner . She preceded to show him my medical record and the orders that I stay off my feet and take it easy until I had healed . It made no difference to Gary . Some of the ladies from the church had at first been coming over every day to help , but he resented them being there and had put a stop to it . One day a week or so after I got home a couple of good friends from the Valley showed up to see me . They had only been in the apartment 10 minutes when Gary made them leave . They never came back to visit me again . Living in the apartment was getting harder and harder because of Gary 's mother . Every time Josiah would cry she would call or come down insisting that he be brought upstairs . . . I must be doing something wrong . She made it very clear to me that I didn 't know what I was doing at all . She was especially vocal on this point if I refused to let her take him upstairs . Josiah got alot of extra rocking and snuggle time in my efforts to keep him from crying ! It was during this time that Gary announced one night that unless I lost weight he wouldn 't sleep with me or even touch me again ! Something clicked in my mind that night and I thought , " Good ! I know how to keep you away from me ! " At this point I had become accustomed to being rolled over in the middle of the night and then two minutes later listening to him snore again . Sex hurt . All I will say is that a lot of foreign objects found their way inside me . He also watched pornography and liked to try the perverted things that he saw . I was terrified to move at night in case he woke up enough to want sex . I felt used , dirty and like a prostitute except that I never got paid . I developed a severe case of hemorrhoids . My doctor was suspicious and started asking some questions , but I never volunteered any information on what was really happening . This midnight declaration from Gary didn 't upset me and spur me into losing weight like he had hoped . For one day I thought that things might change but it was not to be . The next night he was back . But in my mind a seed had been planted that if I looked fat enough and disgusting enough I would be safe from him . . . and anyone else that might hurt me ! As I started to gain weight my hopes of being left alone died . His sick perverted mind needed sex and I was there . Over the next few years the verbal and sexual abuse , suspicion and control became even worse . I couldn 't even go to church on my own . I had to fight to go visit my mom . He needed to know where I was , who I was with , what I was doing and when I would be home . I was given no money of my own . I couldn 't have anyone over even when he was at work . I couldn 't talk on the phone when he was home . I had to keep music I liked hidden and only listen to it when he was at work . There were different times Jessie showed up at the house to check on me because Gary wouldn 't let her talk to me when she had called . This obsessive behavior even went as far as not allowing my name to be on the vehicle permits . He told me that if I ever tried to leave him and took the car he would have me arrested as a car thief . He had me scared and trapped . . . but my smile was still in place . In December of 1989 the rent on our duplex became more than what we could pay . Gary found a little house a couple of streets over and with his dad 's help for the down payment he bought it . Four months later our daughter Elizabeth was born . She was 6 lbs 10 oz 's , full term and healthy . Three days after she was born we went home from the hospital . Josiah loved his baby sister and took his role of being a big brother very seriously . I can 't say that Gary didn 't love his children because he did , although his love became possessive and obsessive with them as well . I tried to offset the extremes to which he took everything , I wanted the kids to have a healthy balance in their lives . Only for my children would I stand up to him . When Elizabeth was a year old Gary came home from work one night acting very strange . The next day his actions and the things he was saying made me nervous , but I couldn 't quite put my finger on what was wrong . So I called our Pastor . We had left the missionary work in Halifax , and our new pastor was now Pastor Benson . He came out to the house that evening . We were in the livingroom when a car drove by the house , Gary dove onto the floor thinking that someone in the car was going to shoot him ! I was so upset by his strange behavior that I couldn 't stay in the room with them , so I went into the kitchen . Around 10 : 00pm Pastor Benson came out to where I was and asked if I was comfortable with him leaving . He wasn 't sure himself what was going on but didn 't think he could do anything more that night . Gary had followed him out and I was afraid to say in front of him that I wanted the Pastor to stay so I told him that it was ok for him to leave . He left and we went to bed . Somehow I fell asleep , only to be awakened at midnight with Gary jumping up and down on the bed yelling that Abraham had just spoken to him ! I was terrified . . . what was happening ! I got out of the room as quickly as I could , but he followed me . He then started punching his fists through the walls , throwing chairs , all the time muttering to himself . I slowly inched my way towards the hall where the kid 's room was . All of a sudden he turned and started towards their bedroom door . I placed myself between him and the door , but he kept coming at me . I reached out , grabbed him and threw him back into the kitchen ! I am not a strong person , but my adrenalin was pumping and he was NOT going to harm the children ! While he was regaining his balance I ran into the livingroom and grabbed the phone . I took my place beside the bedroom door again and called Pastor Benson . I quickly explained what was happening and he told me to hang on he was going to call the RCMP . I don 't know why I didn 't think of that ! The phone rang a couple of minutes later and it was the police . I was told that a car was on the way but it would take approximately 1 / 2 hour because they were all at the scene of a bad car accident in Porter 's Lake . I was asked if there were any weapons in the house . Gary had a pellet gun and there were big knives in the drawer in the kitchen . I wasn 't sure if these were what they would consider weapons but I wasn 't going to take the chance of mentioning them with Gary right there , it might put an idea into his head ! I hung up and stood and watched Gary mumbling and stalking around the kitchen . Forty - five minutes later the RCMP finally showed up . Gary got very belligerent with the officers , refusing to even get dressed . They finally just handcuffed him and took him to the car in his underwear . I sat at the kitchen table and stared in shock at the shambles surrounding me . One of the officers came back in and sat at the table with me to get my statement . I started to shake and cry . The phone rang and the officer answered it and told Pastor Benson that I would call him back . About 1 / 2 hour later they left . Before I could call the Pastor back Jessie drove into the yard . Pastor had called and just asked her to come to my house , that I needed her . She was stunned when she walked into the house , saw the mess and heard what had happened . We sat at the kitchen table talking and crying together . I called the Dartmouth General Hospital ( that 's where they said they were taking him ) around 5 : 00am and found out that he had been moved across the street to the Nova Scotia Mental Hospital . I phoned his parents at 6 : 00am and then left Jessie to take care of the kids . They had slept through everything ! It was surreal walking down the quiet deserted halls of the Mental Hospital early that morning . The only sound to be heard were my own footsteps . I felt like I was in a bad dream and couldn 't wake up . . . this just couldn 't be real ! Gary 's parents were already there with him , but they left when I arrived . I was scared , I had no idea of what to do or say . He kept ranting that he had missed the rapture . A doctor finally came in and took me into another room to talk . He wanted a very detailed statement of everything leading up to and including that night . I disclosed everything except the abuse . The next 5 months passed in a blur . After just a week in the hospital they started giving Gary two hour passes to come home ! I had to pick him up and take him home . He would lay on the bed crying , not wanting me to leave the room . I had a 1 and 4 year old that couldn 't be left on their own , and I sure didn 't want them around Gary . Most days Elizabeth would end up in her playpen crying for me with Josiah trying to entertain her . I explained to the doctor the way things were going at home and how very stressed out I was by everything . She seemed very understanding and agreed with me that things could not continue on this way . I watched her change the orders on his chart stating that no more passes would be issued until there was a marked improvement in his condition . I arrived home to a ringing phone and a very upset husband . He demanded to know why I was late picking him up ! I asked him to let me talk with a nurse and found out that after I had left the hospital the original orders had been reinstated ! I stopped trying to fight the system and tried to figure out ways to cope with the overwhelming stress I was living in . One day I left the kids with Gary 's mother while I ran a few errands . When I arrived back to pick them up and was putting Elizabeth 's snowsuit on her his mother looked at me and said , " My , I 've never seen you look so fat ! " I looked at her in shocked disbelief ! How could you say something like that to someone ? I never said a word back , just packed up the kids and left . I decided that I really needed a break , I had to get away even if only for a few days . I went home , packed and left for mom 's . It was just the break that I needed . A couple of days later I packed the kids in the car and we started back to the city . When I had left mom 's it was softly snowing , but I hadn 't been on the highway long when I found myself in a full - blown snowstorm . I couldn 't see a thing in front of me . I finally pulled off onto the shoulder of the highway not knowing what to do . I knew it was unsafe to stay there because no one could see the car and I was afraid that a snowplow would come along and push us right off the road . Deciding to try and find the next exit I put the car back into drive then watched in disbelief as the engine died ! Now what ? I got out and tried to flag down passing cars but they just kept going . I then decided that if they saw the hood of the car raised maybe someone would stop . Finally a car going in the other direction ( back towards Kingston ) turned around and pulled up behind me . There was just one man in the car . He got out and came up to me and asked if he could help . I explained what had happened and he said that he would drive us back to Kingston . When I got the kids and myself belted into his car the man just sat there staring straight ahead and I thought . . . " This is it , we 're going to die ! " , especially after he turned to me and asked which way Kingston was ! I debated grabbing the kids and jumping out of the car but I knew I couldn 't get them both out at the same time . So I told him which direction to head and he started driving . That was when he told me that he had just arrived from out West the day before . . . I started to breathe normally again ! I had him drop us off at a restaurant in Kingston and I called mom . While we waited one of the waitresses brought the kids hot chocolate and cookies ! A couple of days later with the car fixed and sun shining we started out once more , this time with no trouble . When I arrived back home I found that Gary 's mother had been telling everyone in the family that the reason he 'd had a breakdown was because it was just to much pressure on him living with a fat wife . I was so humiliated . But it was then that I realized I had gained nearly 30 lbs since Gary had gotten sick . I would eat and eat and never feel full . I went to my doctor and he told me that in extreme stress some people can 't eat while others seem to have the switch in their brain that tells them they 're full turned off . Eating becomes a compulsion , a way of trying to escape . Some people turn to booze , some drugs and others food . It set the stage for a life - time of eating to cope with stress . I also began to hate Gary 's mother . She just seemed mean and spiteful . My self - esteem was so low by this point that I found myself starting to believe that I was responsible . I just wasn 't a good enough wife . Cindy views her most important accomplishment as being a mom and now a Gramma . She also is a published author , having had a short story and various poems published . She has been the recipent of various awards for poetry . Her autobiography " Behind the Smile " is @ cindylea62behindthesmile . blogspot . com A poetry blog ponderingmyway . blogspot . com & Devotional blog abrokenvessel62 . blogspot . com She is also working on two screenplays and a novel . Cindy is passionate about ending the silence that surrounds domestic violence and giving those trapped by abuse , hope , courage and a voice of their own . She was a contributing writer for the NALPCC E - zine publication on domestic violence . A new blog is up and running called Shattered & Mended @ www . shattered62 . blogspot . com This blog deals with domestic violence . It is her belief that courage is not the absence of fear in your life but the presence of hope . |
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