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Contrary to popular belief , the beef and chicken flavored dog food they were feeding Gabriel did not in fact taste like beef and chicken . Cardboard was the right word . But he was hungry and just learned to accept the boring flavor over the years . What had it been , three years now ? Gabriel - - also named ' Bert ' by his ' owner ' . Seriously , what was he a damn muppet ? Bert of all names , he would have rather had the cliche Fang , or Killer , hell even Fluffy . No , probably not Fluffy . He got the shit end of the stick , his sister got an entire family while he was stuck with this nobody . Shawn wasn 't a bad guy , but he certainly didn 't get out much . From their one sided conversation when Shawn got bored enough to talk to him he could tell he had a shitty job that barely got him by and he had no social life . Well , he got out every now and then , but it didn 't seem like much . Gabriel finished the bowl of food and gave a huff , curling up by Shawn 's feet and whining . Alright buddy , just because you don 't get out does not mean I shouldn 't . Hurry up and go to work or something so I can shift back to my form , or atleast take me for a walk . The German Shepherd at Shawn 's feet gave another huff before looking up at him . He had no idea his very own dog was a Shifter , and if all went like the Alpha wanted he would become one too . This was Gabriel 's job . Pretend to be a dog and turn a random human into one of them when the time was right , but he and a few others went against it . They were going to protect the humans . And even though it was just him and Shawn most of the time , he couldn 't help but feel like the guy was family - - it had to be the dog side of him talking . The dog side of him was also craving a belly rub . This was so shameful , but he stil just rolled over so his belly was up , large tail thumping against the floor loudly . Still , this life was better than the one he had before , and atleast his sister was in a good home . This Shawn guy did the best he could anyways , so all his complaining was really just something to pass the time . The fridge holding Shawn 's favorite soda wasn 't normally blocked , but this time it was . Six o ' clock would normally be a busy time for other gas stations , with people finally free from their jobs , stopping by to fill up on gas so they didn 't have to endure the pain of performing such a task in the morning . But for Gas n ' Go , it was different , which is precisely why Shawn stopped by this one after his own job . Not because it was dirty , had less than desirable employees , or a slight musty smell , that was mostly why nobody stopped by Gas n ' Go anyways . That right there was the reason for Shawn , because it was mostly empty besides the employees , he didn 't mind them , no matter how strange they looked . If this fat ass didn 't pick his drink already , the employees would start to think Shawn was being indecisive as well . Though , he was only pretending to look at the chips across from the drinks . He didn 't want it to look like he was waiting for him . He could easily solve the issue with a simple ' excuse me ' , or ' I 'll be just a second . ' But that was too much for Shawn . " You know what ? Strawberry Nesquik it is . I 've had it on my list of things to try , anyways . It 'll be good . " He quickly opened the door next to the stranger , snatching the bottle of pink milk and quickly , but quietly walks towards the register . Naturally , the man made up his mind only seconds after Shawn had . But it was too late to go back and change his mind . It was a combination of laziness , and not wanting to look odd . " Damn . Hang on , kid , " said the cashier , who seemed to be struggling getting the register to open . This wasn 't good . People behind him might be getting impatient , or irritated . Shawn stared at the brown bunny on the bottle of milk , starting to wonder if going through all this would be worth the possible disgusting taste of pink milk . Or , perhaps , it could be the greatest thing he ever tasted . Soon , the manager was called over by the cashier who 's name tag read ' Bud ' . Bud argued with the manager , ' Jim ' , for a few moments while they worked on the register . Shawn really began to panic on the inside now . His heartbeat increased as that horrid bunny stared right back at him , as if mocking him with those wide eyes , and goofy smile . The men behind him were probably more than irritated by now . They would look up to the front and see this thin , dirty - blonde haired boy , not looking a day over 22 , just standing there with nothing but what looked like a kid 's drink . And they would think : ' This is why I 'm waiting ? ' " Ah , there we go . Sorry , kid . " Bud handed Shawn his change , but a few pennies slipped between his pale fingers , and rolled onto the floor . Pretending not to notice , he took two quick steps away from the counter , only to remember he had left his milk sitting right there . He quickly turned around , hoping to snatch the drink and not look like too much of an idiot . But Shawn 's hand collided with the coffee of the man behind him , causing a minor explosion of brown , hot liquid to erupt in mid air . " Shit , " Shawn said aloud . He glanced back and forth between the now angry looking trucker , to Bud the cashier , then to the rest of the bystanders . " I 'm . . . I 'm sorry . I d - didn 't mean - " Shawn couldn 't even finish his sentence . He snatched his drink and sped out of the Gas n ' Go as fast as the robbery that occurred two weeks earlier . He would bet money on the white , beater truck outside at pump three with the " Thanks , Obama " bumper sticker was his . The mission for milk was a success , at least . Shawn hopped aboard not a car , but an average white bicycle that sped off towards the outskirts of the town . No , he didn 't go to that gas station after work to fill up with gas , it was just a small detour to reward himself with soda after his daily work schedule . He didn 't even own a car , there was no need . He needed the exercise to burn off all those sodas anyways . Combined with his job at the Brockbury farm on the other end of town , he didn 't need to worry about getting fat . " I can never go back there , I can never go back there , I CAN NEVER GO BACK THERE ! " Shawn pedaled as fast as he could until he left the sight of the Gas n ' Go . " I need to find a new place to go , now . . . But , they 're all so busy . " Finally , Shawn approached the small house just before sunset hit . He screwed the cap back on the Nesquik bottle , only half empty . It was pretty shitty , after all . Another half empty bottle to add to his collection of less than decent drinks on the top shelf of the fridge . Shawn looked like he had a rough day the moment he stood with his head against the door . Gabriel stayed on his back a moment longer before rolling back over and sitting with his body leaned against his leg . Ah come one man , life could be worse . And I can 't believe you just tossed that milk in the fridge , Nesquik is my shit . He nudged Shawn with his shoulder in some attempt to comfort him , but it did not last long . Gabe , meet me at the spot . His ears perked up as his sister 's voice whispered in his mind and in seconds he pulled away from Shawn , going to the door and pawing at the doorknob . He did not have time to wait for the guy to open the door , and in no time he had managed to open it himself and dart away . It was only a couple minutes of a run before he reached a hallowed out tree in the park , the darkness keeping him mostly out of sight as he shifted back into his normal form . After a second of reaching around into the hallowed out tree , he managed to pull out a scrappy old backpack filled with clothes . Gabriel slipped them on just before he heard someone behind him . " Lora . " A smaller woman stood before him , her dirty blonde hair falling in her face as she leaned forward with her hands resting on her kneese . " G - gimme a minute to catch . . . My breath . " She gasped . The spot they were at was certainly farther from her ' house ' than his . Gabriel didn 't wait as he stepped forward , placing a hand on her shoulder . " Is everything alright ? You sounded a bit worried . " " They were watching the house again . I don 't think we have much time , they 're worried that I 'm not going to go through with it . " Lora spoke after steadying her breathing , her sharp blue eyes looking up at her brother . " I can 't let them be turned , Gabe . I don 't know what to do . " Her final words were a bit shaken as she thought of what the Alpha wanted her to do . They had two children in her house , and one wasn 't even in middle school yet . She could not get herself to turn them , to take away the life they have . She found herself in her brother 's arm , his hand patting her back softly . " Lora it 'll be okay , we 'll protect them . " He spoke softly to his sister , pulling the subject away to other random things to get her mind off of her worries , if only for a while . " Look , I gotta go back , Shawn looks like he 's had a shit day , so I 'm gonna keep an eye on him . If they 're watching you they are bound to watch me soon , and he would be a lot easier to ambush . " They said their goodbyes and he shifted back into his form , Lora wasn 't going to change just yet so she was able to put the clothes away for him . He opened the door again to Shawn 's home and went straight to the fridge , pushing it open with his nose and grabbing the strawberry milk . He ran to a back room withthe bottle in his mouth , twisting at the cap with his teeth until the pink liquid poured out over the floor . He lapped up the milk quickly , a feeling a triumph rising in his chest . I can 't believe you didn 't finish this right off the bat , Shawn . This is so much better than the cardboard crap you feed me . The sun covered Shawn 's face with warmness as he finally woke up on his front porch . Did he miss lunch ? Why didn 't his mother call him in ? Before him stood Amelia , the girl from just a few houses over . This was exactly how they met the first time . She had walked up while he was sleeping , and asked what he was doing . After telling him that he shouldn 't sleep his life away , she invited him to explore the town . Seems this time she had another place in mind . " There you are , silly ! " The small child with short blonde hair leaned forward to smile at the lazy Shawn . " How come I always find you like this ? " She started to giggle in that same high - pitch giggle she did the other times they met . Shawn rubbed his tired eyes , " Hey , it 's not funny . I had more nightmares last night , and I couldn 't sleep ! " The child had been having nightmares almost every night , but why ? " You know , when school starts again , you 're not gonna be able to lay down on your front porch like a lazy lump all day ! I heard Mrs . Steadford is VERY mean ! " Amelia 's eyes widened as she spoke . " I still don 't know who my teacher is . Do you think we 'll be in the same class ? If so , we can be partners when she has us team up ! " " Oh , yeah . That would be nice . " Shawn didn 't normally enjoy teaming up with the other students . The class total was usually odd numbered , which left Shawn to be the only one without a partner . The young boy would then be asked to find two partners and team up as a group of three . Though , nobody invited him , so he had to ask them on his own , which was embarrassing . But , since Amelia had moved into town , that would change . Amelia turned around and started to skip down the gravel drive in a playful fashion . " Well , you coming or what , Shawn - bon ? " She had called him that stupid nickname that made no sense ever since she first came up to his door and asked to come out and play . But , nobody had ever asked him to do that before . The two marched their way to the edge of the small town of Glendale in hopes of finding whatever ran into the forest . Finally , they had reached the massive wall of trees with the never ending darkness dwelling inside . Shawn shivered at the sight of it , but Amelia continued to march forward . " Huh ? How can you be afraid of other people and be afraid of being alone at the same time ? That 's funny , Shawn - bon . " The two entered the shady forest , calling out generic dog names as they walked . As the forest went on , the darker it got . Sticks crunched beneath their sneakers , and leaves fell to the ground before them in a slow , graceful manner . One or two branches would fall before the two , causing them to jump . Naturally , Shawn would want to turn back , but Amelia pressed on . Shawn may be a coward , but he didn 't want Amelia to go off on her own . Amelia had disappeared into the trees before him while Shawn had stopped for a quick breather . He ran forward , only to find nothing but trees . Which way did she go ? This way , that way ? " Over here , Shawn . " Her voice had a faint echo to it , she really did get ahead of him . Something wasn 't right , she kept repeating those words , and every time she did , her voice got lower and lower . Shawn continued to run faster and faster , the tree branches started to move as Amelia 's voice got deeper and deeper . They clawed out at him , scraping his face with sharp edges . The boy broke out into a sprint as the tree trunks split in the middle . Large , blank eyes formed from the cracks , following Shawn wherever he went . The trees grew taller , blocking out what little light he had and turning the entire forest pitch black . He could no longer see where he was going , but he continued to run towards the deepening voice . Tears shed from the poor boy 's eyes , he wanted nothing more than to get out of here as soon as possible . But he had to find his friend first . Shawn tripped on a root , sending him flying to the ground . He tasted dirt and blood . The boy slowly lifted his head , only to find that the eyes were still staring down upon him . The branches , however , had stopped . Nothing could be heard but the cool breeze atop the forest , rushing past the limbs of the trees and creating a soft song of wind . Then , he heard footsteps behind him . Amelia ? No , these weren 't human . Shawn shut his eyes , wanting whatever it was to go away . Then , he felt something wet on the back of his neck . Was it . . . A tongue ? Shawn turned around to find what looked like a white German Shepherd facing him , looking him dead in the eye . " Are you what Amelia was looking for ? " Asked Shawn . He reached out his hand to pet the dog until its jaws opened , suddenly engulfed by the darkness of its mouth in a split second . " Want a snack , Bert ? " Shawn said as he stumbled to his feet to go fetch a bowl of the beef and chicken dog food . Bert seemed to like it , so it was definitely a good choice . He made his way to the bathroom after getting Bert his food . There , he stood before the dirty mirror and lifted up his blonde hair along the right side of his face to stare at the scar that mocked him every time he brushed his teeth , combed his hair ( which was always a failure , of course ) , and washed his face , which is exactly what he did next . He splashed the cold water onto his pale face , letting the water run as he reflected on the hazy memory of the day in the forest . The nightmare had obviously warped the memory slightly , but everything about getting lost , and getting injured by the white German Shepherd was true . Shawn had his reasons for not hating dogs after that incident . Oh , he had his reasons . But , he did not wish to reflect on the memory of what had occurred that life - changing day . Besides , he would be force to experience it in his sleep in a more warped version that before . These memories seemed to appear in his nightmares in order , believe it or not . He would be free of the nightmares for quite some time until the cycle would begin anew . Looks like it started back up again , and there was no avoiding it . At least he got to see Amelia again , before things changed . Shawn was having a nightmare , and all Gabe could really do was sit and watch . Time ticked by and he mumbled things even his hearing couldn 't pick up . The kid finally woke up and spoke to him - giving a bark in response . He took a few bites of his meal before looking up , realizing Shawn wasn 't in the same room . His nails clicked against the floor of the small house , sniffinf around for Shawn until he found him again . Poor kid looks all bent out of shape . Gabe sat down on one of his feet , pressing his body against his leg in a comforting manner . But it only lasted so long until he picked up a familiar scent . There was a quick knocking on the door and the hair on Gabe 's back pricked up , a growl forming in his throat . He ran to the door and began barking rather agressively . Why was she here ? Once Shawn opened the door though his growling stopped . Lora stood in the doorway , trembling a bit . Her long blonde hair was a tangled mess along with her clothes . Her jeans were covered in red splotches as if she had been kneeling in something , and her shirt had been turned inside out as if she had put it on in a rush , the red liquid splattered along that as well . Her green eyes landed on ' Bert ' with an apologetic look before looking up at Shawn . " I - I 'm sorry . . . M - my friends got in a car accident and the ambulance rushed them off th - there was no room for me . I was going to walk home but I guess the adrenalin wore off and I 'm exhausted now . C - can I please come in ? It 's starting to get dark out and I 'm freezing . " That 's a piss poor excuse , Lora . Gabe growled in his head , the slight flinch from his sister letting him know she got it . He backed away from the door , however , and looked up at Shawn . Was he going to let his sister in ? Something had to have happened at Lora 's home , and they may soon be coming for him . " I - I have room , " stammered Shawn . What the hell ? Of course he had room ! Was that really the first thing that came to mind ? He shook his head once , looked to Bert , then back to the girl . " Um . . . Please , come in ! I mean , It wouldn 't be very nice to keep you out there . I - I can get you some water , or something . . . Right this way ! " " Who is this girl ? " Shawn quickly ran inside to get a dry towel from his bathroom . " Where did this accident happen ? Is her friend okay ? It makes sense that she came here . . . We are on the outskirts of the town , after all . I hope she didn 't have to walk far . What do I do next ? Get her a drink , or something ? I don 't have anything hot , I always get my coffee to go , I don 't actually have anything here . Nah . . . she probably doesn 't like coffee . Maybe a towel , and a blanket will do . But what about her clothes , and those red stains ? It 's not like I have anything for her to wear . . . I guess I 'll have to ask her some questions , like where she 's from . " " Well , what are the odds of me helping someone tonight ? This is great ! Maybe I 'll be the hero of her day . I don 't think I 've ever been a hero before . What am I talking about ? I 'm just letting her stay here until it clears out , right ? I 'd better just make her feel comfortable now . I hope she doesn 't mind the mess . . . I wasn 't expecting company . " Shawn emerges from the bathroom , leaving the mess of towels for now , and rushes over to the poor , drenched girl . He holds out the towel with a half - smile . " Um . . . Come on in ! Can I , er , get you anything while you 're here ? " " Water sounds nice , thank you . " Lora spoke softly , though her eyes seemed to be analyzing anything she could about Shawn as he rushed away to fetch a towel . Using her sleeve , Lora wiped the bottoms of her bare feet before stepping into his house , following Gabe into the living room and taking a seat on the couch , wrapping the towel around her lithe form . " Uhm . . . Nice place you got here . . . You live alone ? " Small talk was something to keep her sounding normal , though her mind was somewhere else . All she could do was send small flashes to Gabe , images showing in his mind like pictures being thrown into his vision . The Alpha was at the door , and then he was in the house . Lora 's ' family ' had no idea who he was until it was too late . They were sudenly surrounded by people working for the Alpha . Yelling at Lora to change them - - prove her loyalty . Judging by the next image in their minds Lora had refused . There was blood and mangled corpses . Age meant nothing to the Alpha , the youngest boy she had spoken of before torn to shreds , Lora doing everything in her power to save him . It was useless , the next image being Lora running away , using the rain to cover her scent . Gabe 's fur stood up once more , this could happen to Shawn , or worse they could find Lora and kill her . He didn 't realize he was growling until Lora reached over and scratched behind his ears . She was cold and exhausted , but she was alive , that was all that mattered to Gabe . Shawn 's awkward , but he 's a good kid . He 'll take care of you . I 'll keep you safe as well . " Um , yeah , of course . No big deal . " Shawn jogged to the kitchen sink to quickly grab the cleanest glass he could and start to poor water into it . The sink spat water at him , having a small amount of air inside as it turned on . He glared at the sink , then down to his wet shirt . Shawn let out a miserable sigh and hurried to the couch . The girl simply sat there , staring off into space as if really concerned about something . Well , of course she was concerned . She was in a caraccident . She seemed to be connecting with Bert rather nicely , though . He 'd never had a girl inside his house before , except for . . . " Here you go . I ran out of ice , so I hope it 's okay chilled , " Shawn lied . In reality he was far too lazy to even fill up the ice tray with water , but telling her the truth would make her feel like she 'd entered the home of a lazy bum that was so lazy , he couldn 't even take five seconds out of his life to poor water into a tray . Which , was the truth . " Erm . . . " Shawn looked over the girl briefly as he slowly took a seat on the far end of the couch . " Did you lose your shoes , or something ? It 's not safe to be walking around barefoot out there . " Lora took the water with a mumbled thank you and took a long drink , eyes opening slightly to look over his now wet shirt . He seemd jumpy , or atleast a bit awkward . Gabe seemed to have been right about him , he looked like he did not have many guests over - - but then again she was a guest covered in blood . Gabe moved away from his sister , laying down next to Shawn by his feet . Though he only laid there for a few seconds before jumping up and looking around the house , jumping up and looking through each window . The rain was blocking out any scents . That was both a pro and a con . They would be unable to track Lora easily - - but at the same time if they knew to check here , they could show up without Gabe picking up the scent . Damnit . . . I 'm not going to get any sleep tonight . He tossed his head back and glared at Lora , hair raising a moment before smoothing out once more . Oh you know , what with everyone being slaughtered and what not , I didnt really have time to put on shoes . Hell , I had to steal these clothes from the daughter that ' owned ' me . Luckily we 're the same size . Yeah , that sounded logical . " I had my shoes off in the car . I couldn 't really fish them out in the wreck . I 'm fine though , only cut my feet up a little . " " I , uh . . . You should . . . " Shawn scratched the back of his head , eyes dancing around the floor . He wasn 't going to give her his old pair of work boots , was he ? The soles were caked with horse shit , and the leather worn down . He heels were scuffed so much , that they were almost lopsided when you stood them up . An eyelet was missing , too . The laces were frayed at the ends as well . But . . . " You can have an old pair of boots of mine , I 'll just need a moment to clean them up . I work for a farm , you see . " He offered a smile towards the girl , but he knew he 'd have to do some work before he could present them to her . What else was he to do ? He couldn 't let her go back outside like that . He looked to Bert , then back to the girl . He didn 't even know her name . Shawn looked over his shoulder to the closet where he kept the boots , right next to the closet with the mess of towels . He couldn 't help but notice the blood stains on the girl 's shirt when he looked back . Was that from her friend ? Or , was it hers ? " We 'll do that , and it looks like you need to clean yourself too . There 's a shower back there , if you want . I - I 've got fresh towels and everything . " It was the least he could do . Shawn didn 't want her to just go home empty handed after what she had just witnessed . He turned away from the girl , looking at Bert again , as if trying to talk to him with his facial expressions . " What else am I supposed to say ? Did I offer her what needed to be offered ? Am I talking too much ? I hope I 'm not sitting too close . . . Does she feel safe here ? Should I take her to a hospital to get her checked out ? Wait , I don 't have a car . Dammit , Shawn . " Shawn quickly turned around to face the girl once again . " It 's whatever you want to do , just let me know what you need ! Um . . . What was your name ? " Lora watched Shawn as he spoke what seemed a bit hesitantly , a slightly amused smile flicking across her face for a moment . " I 'll be fine . You 'll need them more than me . " She hugged her kneese a moment as she looked down at her feet , blood caked on them from stepping in the pools as well as a couple scrapes from running . The scrapes were already seeming to heal faster than what normal humans would , but that didn 't mean they did not sting . At the mention of a shower she quickly nodded . " Oh thank you , I smell like . . . Well death . It 's really not flattering is it ? " She stood up , looking over herself and managing to give a slight chuckle . " I really know how to make first impressions , huh ? " With that she started heading for the bathroom , grabbing one of the towels from the toppled pile . " Lora , by the way . No last name . " She tosses him a thumbs up before heading into the bathroom and shutting the door , the sound of the shower soon leaking through the door . Gabe stared at Shawn for a long moment , he was an awkward mess . Soon his simply trotted his way into the bedroom and dug through a pile of clothes , pulling out a shirt and pajama pants . He trotted back over to the bathroom and pawed at the door . Open up , it 's me . " No , really ? I thought Shawn was scratching at the door . " Lora said in a quiet , sarcastic tone to Gabe as she cracked the door enough to stick her arm out to grab the clothes . " Thanks ! " She called out to Shawn . " Your dog is really trained ! You 'd think he was like . . . A human or something ! " Lora cast Gabe a dark look as if telling him to watch how he acted , just getting an eyeroll from the dog in return . Gabe trotted back over to the couch , laying down with a huff as he waited for Lora to step out . Lora rested her forhead against the wall of the shower , letting the hot water wash down the blood and grime . Memories of the event flashed through her mind , causing her to shut her eyes tightly and clench her fists . She had failed her ' family ' and now they were dead . And it would only be so long before they found her and Gabe - - and Shawn for that matter . " Damnit . . . What are we going to do ? " After a couple of minutes , Lora stepped out wearing Shawn 's clothes and looking down at the ground . " Uhm . . . Do you mind if I stay for the night ? It 's already so late and I don 't really have a ride . " Shawn froze in place at the mention of ' staying the night ' . " Stay the night ? ! I mean , I 'm not against it , but this hasn 't happened since . . . " " Nice place , Shawn . You know , since you don 't have a car , can I stay the night ? You can tell me about this ' Amelia ' friend of yours . " " Of c - course ! Um . . . Did you want my bed ? I can sleep on the couch . " Shawn thought that might have been the right thing to say . Hopefully he didn 't screw up already at welcoming a guest into his house without realizing it . " Let 's see , I got her a drink , offered her a seat , shower , a bed , that 's good , right ? Am I missing something ? I haven 't had a guest in a long time . . . " The nervous boy peaked his head into the living room to see if she had made her way in again , but found Bert . He looked at him with a shrug , as if asking him if there was anything else he was missing . He hung his head hopelessly . He was a dog , right ? What would he know ? " What am I going to do about the morning ? Will she want breakfast , or sleep in ' til noon ? She 's been through a lot . I wouldn 't doubt it if she slept in that long . Good thing I have tomorrow off the farm , I can focus on this situation . But , how will she get home ? I don 't have a car . . . Will someone pick her up ? Yeah , she can use my phone . I hope her friend is okay . Where did the accident even happen ? " He peaked around the corner again , looking for this ' Lora ' . " No last name ? Who doesn 't have a last name ? Strange , but I won 't ask about it . Maybe she 's sensitive about her identity ? I 'm sure I would be too , if I was forced to stay at a strangers house . " The living room was dimly lit , almost moody . Shawn quickly stepped towards the nearby lamp atop the old oak table his mother had given him for furniture . It was one of those old touch lamps , where every time you touch it , it got brighter , and brighter , until the light shut completely off , and restarted the cycle . As the light got brighter , he skimmed the room for Lora . " I 'm Shawn , by the way . I - It 's nice to meet you , Lora . " Shawn stammered . " Again , you can have the bed if you want . Bert s - seems to like you . If you want , he can stay in your room to keep you company , if that would make you feel safe . From what you 've just experienced , it might be nice to have someone there beside you . " Gabe wanted nothing more than to die of laughter . Poor Shawn was a jittering mess and it certainly caused amusement for the young Skinwalker . He continued to watch Shawn poke in and out of the living room until Lora finally appeared . No way was Gabe staying with Lora , he needed to stay by Shawn tonight if anything were to happen . " Nice to meet you too , Shawn . " Lora offered Shawn a smile and sat back down on the couch , using the towel to dry her hair . " I can sleep on the couch . I don 't want to intrude . " She paused a moment before picking up the remote . " Do you mind if I . . . ? " Lora had trailed off , turning on his TV to the news . " Uh . . . Maybe they 'll mention something about the wreck . " Or the massacre of an entire family in the suburbs . A sigh of relief escaped Lora as the news spoke on about celebs and random nonsense . Good , nothing yet . Gabe let out a whining noise as he watched the news , though , just like Lora , he seemed to relax as nothing was mentioned . He turned around and trotted to the bedroom , plopping at the foot of Shawn 's bed . Lora had already made herself confortable on the couch , all the work from the day draining her . Soon enough she had simply passed out , curled up on the couch with the towel still wrapped around part of her hair . Early morning 's sun managed to peak through the window and hit Lora right in the face , forcing her to open her tired eyes and look around . Where was she again ? Right , Shawn 's house , her brother 's ' family ' . She sighed and sat up scratching her scalp covered by messy hair a moment before standing and looking around the living room . The TV had stayed on , and the news reporter was speaking about a mysterious animal attack . A family was killed , what looked like animal bites the cause of death . . . Their dog was missing . " Fuck . . . . " She whispered to herself as she flicked the TV off . It wouldn 't be long before Shawn found out there was no car accident , then he would have to wonder why a random stranger covered in blood was in his house . She sat back down on the couch a moment to think before jumping right back up and pacing the room . How long until the Alpha found her ? How long until they came after her brother next ? " Damnit , damnit it all . " This was getting to frustrating , and she felt as though breathing itself was a challenge . Okay , deep breaths . Everything will be fine . Maybe he 'll want a second dog or something . . . I don 't know The hospital was dark when Shawn awoke . He felt a bandage along the right side of his face . The little boy looked around in terror . " Where 's Amelia ? Did she make it out of the forest safe ? Or did that . . . That white dog get her ? ! " Suddenly , the door opened . A female nurse walked in , holding a clipboard in her hand . " Hello , Shawn . That 's quite the injury on your face ! " The lights turned on , Shawn squinted at the sudden brightness . " Um , um . . . Where 's Amelia ? ! Where 's my friend ? ! Did she make it out ? ! " The nurse waved her hands , quickly rushing over to his bedside . " Shh . . . She 's fine . She didn 't even get attacked . Your friend is actually in the waiting room , along with your parents . They wanted to wait until you woke up . You blacked out after you were attacked by that creature in the forest ! " " Shhh , it 's okay . It can 't hurt you now . Do you want me to get your friend and family now ? They 've been waiting quite a while . " The nurse 's hand gently brushed the injured side of Shawn 's face . The nurse smiled a gentle , comforting smile and walked out of the room . Minutes passed , nobody came in . Minutes turned into hours as Shawn patiently sat upon the hospital bed , awaiting Amelia and his family . The boy hopped out of his bed , the floor cold underneath his bare feet . Slowly , he approached the door , and with a gentle push , he stumbled into what seemed to be a deserted , infinite hallway of doors . Shawn crept forward , looking down each hallway , but he saw nothing but emptiness . Suddenly , he heard a noise come from inside one of the rooms . At first , he couldn 't make out what it was , but after pressing his ear against the door , he could make out what sounded like growling . The boy 's hand trembled . Dare he open that door ? The handle was cold to the touch as he gently turned it to the side , and made a crack in the doorway . It was dark , but the moon was bright from outside through the window . A lump could be seen where the bed was probably at . The growling continued for awhile , until finally , the lump sat up , and looked Shawn in the eyes . Shawn cried out , and sprinted down the hallway . As he finally ran into a hallway that had people in it , they all turned to him , but their heads , like the patient , had heads of a dog . They were all different breeds , and they all bared their teeth at him as he sprinted past them . Shawn awoke suddenly , the sun was just beginning to peak over the hills outside his window . The sound of the TV could be heard from the living room . That 's right , he had welcomed that girl into his house last night . He was too tired to worry if she had gotten a good enough snooze on that couch or not . It wasn 't ideal for sleep , maybe just a nap after work . He continued to lay in bed until the sun 's rays slowly crept over his chest , warming him as the sunlight finally shined into his face . He heard movement from the living room . Yep , she was awake . The relief of cracking his back while sitting up in bed gave him the courage to finally exit the heaven known as his bed , and stand up . Bert was still at his bedside . He 'll wake up when the sound of food hit his metal bowl , there was no use in waking him now . Lora paced the living room , clutching her head in thought . " What am I going to do ? I can 't stay here like this , and it won 't be long before he finds out there wasn 't a wreck . . . " Her heart was racing faster than her eyes darting across the room . " He 'll piece everything together soon , a family getting slaughtered and a girl just showing up covered in blood ? Only an idiot wouldn 't qestion that . " She quickly stopped her pacing when she heard sheets moving about and the sound of a matress being released from a weight ontop of it . Shawn was saying something to her but her mind was still racing , it took a moment for her to process what he was asking but she managed to shrug in return . " It 's fine , the couch was comfortable , really . " Her stomach growling was enough of an answer to his question , she hadn 't eaten in atleast twenty four hours . " Do you have anything to eat ? Yesterday took a lot out of me and never really had time to fill my stomach . " She hesitated a moment before looking towards the kitchen and giving him a crooked smile . " So . . . About breakfast ? " Gabriel lifted his head as he heard noise in the living room , Shawn and Lora were talking - - shit , Lora . She was still here ? Well , better than being out on her own , but this was still dangerous . The rain had stopped , and it wouldn 't be long before the pack started looking in the houses . He trotted out into the living room and stared at the two of them , tail thumping against the floor . This was going to be a difficult situation , he just knew it . " Small towns are so easy . You just walk in , flash a badge hot glue gunned to a wallet and - bam - they think you 're FBI or some shit . " A woman with long brown hair tied up into a tight bun adjusted her pant suit and smiled at her male partner before leaving the scene of the crime . " So , family that has no enemies suddenly is slaughtered by animals . " " Which , speaking of animals , the family pet is missing . " The male cuts in , holding up a picture of the family and their dog . " It was raining last night , leaving perfect little paw prints in the mud . " The trunk of the car was popped open and they both nabbed salt , iron stakes , and pistols with silver bullets . " Time to be dog catchers . " The paw prints in the mud lead through fields and the woods , stopping a moment at a hollow tree . " There 's male clothes in here . " " But the paw prints become foot prints , much too small for someone with clothes this big . " Ruby red painted lips turn into a smirk as she looks at her friend . " So . . . We have multiple ones . Let 's follow the prints and find us a werewolf . " " Werewolves don 't look like family pets . We 're probably dealing with a skin walker . Believed to be a distant relative of werewolves . " Pistols were loaded and strapped to their sides as they continued to walk . The hunters would find their prey eventually . Shawn slowly pointed to the cabinets . " . . . Cereal ? " The two boxes of pencil shavings were bought recently , and even came in two convenient flavors : Honey , and the other a mixed fruit flavor . They were some knock - off of Honey Nut Cheerios and Fruit Loops , of course . The poor boy didn 't have much , simply because he never ate much for breakfast . He would always sleep right to the last minute , and occasionally a few minutes over the time that he set to get up . When this occurred , he would get up to take a long , scalding hot shower while just standing there , still drowsy and wishing he had just a little more time with his bed before he departed for the day . Naturally , it felt like sleeping on cardboard at night , making his morning situation worse . After his shower he would normally realize that he was already running late . Finishing off his morning routine would take up more time , then as always , he would show up about five minutes late to the farm for work . The owner didn 't seem to mind , though , because Shawn was still a hard worker and got his chores done . " I 'm sorry , it 's not much , but I don 't normally eat breakfast . Though , I d - do have milk to go with it . " He frantically looked into the fridge , noticing the almost empty jug of milk . Shawn didn 't normally like milk , but on the days that he did eat cereal , it was the perfect combination , approved by children and adults all over the world . Fortunately the milk was still fresh . The memory echoed inside Shawn 's head as he closed the fridge , jug of milk in hand . He turned around , standing there awkwardly with the near empty jug of milk in hand . " Want a bowl ? " Shawn looked back to the cabinet nervously . He shuffled across the kitchen floor to open the cabinet door , revealing the two boxes of generic brand cereal . " Sometimes I mix the two together , and it gives it a unique flavor too . Afterwords when I 'm finished , the milk changes flavor and I just sip it up from the bowl . It 's rather tasty . " Shawn scratched the back of his head after attempting to make small talk while Lora made her decision . Lora couldn 't help but smile as Shawn made his way around the kitchen , she was still trying to make a decision when he brought up his way of doing things . Ah , small talk was always an awkward thing . Atleast it wasn 't cliche and about the weather or something , but she was pretty sure everyone drank the milk after their cereal was finished . " I 'll try your way and mix some . Thanks . " She walked over to the kitchen and made herself a bowl of mixed cereal , dipping the spoon around a couple times to make sure everything was wet before taking a bite . " Like really cheap honey fruit . Nice . " Gabe huffed and laid on the cool floor , this wasn 't the time for chit chat . The Alpha ordered Lora 's family dead , they had to be looking for her next . He couldn 't just let his sister run around by herself , he would have to help in some way . The onnly question now was how was he going to do that while keeping his cover and protecting Shawn ? He didn 't have much time with that question however before there was a knock on the door . This was a new scent , two people he had never smelt before . Salt and iron ? He quickly stood up and began to growl , his hair sticking up along his back . Lora froze in place until the spoon slipped out of her hand and noisely bounced all over the counter , leaving milk and cereal bits everywhere . " Shit , sorry . " She looked at Shawn and crossed her arms . " FBI ? You uh . . . You 're not like some crazy criminal or something are you ? I really don 't want to be in the middle of your shit . " She had to turn this around so it sounded like she had not clue , giving off this type of look might put Shawn on the defensive and work so hard ot gain her trust , he wouldn 't realize she was gaining his . " Or uh . . . Maybe it 's about the car accident . " " What ? ! Me ? ! I . . . I didn 't do anything ! " Do I really look that suspicious ? " It 's got to be about the car accident . But . . . The FBI ? Why would - they - show up ? " Shawn didn 't like the sound of this . Why would the FBI be investigating a car accident ? It had to be something else , but he made it seem like it was no big deal . He didn 't want his surprise guest to freak out . The last thing he wanted was some strange girl he just met to think he was some sort of insane criminal . Even though they just met , Shawn didn 't have a lot of friends around . Perhaps this could be the start of a new friendship , or it may go down the drain and they 'll never see each other again after this event due to the fact that there was nothing interesting about Shawn at all . That 's how it usually went : Shawn would meet someone nice , they 'd talk for awhile , and then they fell off the face of the Earth . He had to face the truth : He was just about as interesting as that one piece of grass that children watch grow when they get bored . But there was something interesting about Lora , he thought as he slowly made his way for the door . There was something a bit off . No shoes ? No parents to pick her up ? There were a slew of things he could point out , but she was still nice to him . And besides , she was still interesting aside from all the strange facts . But , Shawn knew deep down that the moment the FBI left his house that Lora would leave , and never be seen again . " This isn 't High School anymore , Shawn . People you know are going to leave . You may never see some of them again . It was your choice not to go to college , and it was mine to do so . " " You know me , and I won 't be gone forever , you dope . I 'll be back when summer comes , or unless some emergency happens . You 'll have that to look forward to . And . . . I 'll be looking forward to it too . " Lora 's the first interesting person I met since . . . Her . Shawn grasped the door knob . The morning sun had bathed down upon it from the nearby window , and it was warm to the touch . It took him a moment to slowly turn the knob . His eyes squint shut as he hoped for this encounter to be nothing more than a mistake . The door opened and there he stood , face to face with the beings who knocked on the door . All he could hope for was that this was nothing more than a mistake , and that things would go back to normal . But , did he really want things to stay the same forever ? " Uh . . Yeah you 're right . I don 't see the FBI coming over about some car accident . " She suddenly went pale however as the door opened , the strong sent of salt and iron wafting into the house and up her nostrils . Gabe at this point was standing right by Shawn , barking and snarling at the ' agents ' . They weren 't however . He could smell it , and now that the door was open Lora could too , he could tell by the look on her face . Shawn wouldn 't , the smell was too subtle , no human would be able to smell this . The man and woman standing in front of Shawn recoiled slightly as the German Shepherd began its fit . The woman instantly reaching for a gun at her side . Lora glares and steps forward . " Hey ! Calm down he 's harmless . No need to think you 've got to get your hands dirty ! " She bends down and pets Gabe , whispering to him in what seems to be a soothing matter , though too quiet for the others to hear . " Gabe . . . Calm down . I know what they are , I can smell it too . But we can 't give ourselves away . " Gabe stopped barking and sat down , but a growling still rumbled in his chest . The woman glared a the dog and looked at her partner a moment before looking back at Shawn and clearing her throat . " Hello sir , mind if we come in ? We have a few questions . " She trailed off as her male partner towered over Shawn , staring at him a moment before simply stepping past him and looking around . " Nice place you got here , has a very bachelor type feel to it . This your girlfriend ? " He points at Lora before leaning against the counter , looking at the mess Lora had made with the cereal . " Hope we didn 't startle you . " The woman frowns and steps in as well , eyeing Gabe as she cautiously stepped around him . " Your dog not a fan of people ? Seems like most of this town has dogs that don 't like people in suits . She snaps open her wallet for a brief moment , just enough to flash the FBI badge for a split second before snapping it back shut . " Special Agent Walker , and this is my partner Abbot . Have you heard of anything that may have happened last night ? An . . . Accident of sorts ? " Shawn 's face turned a bright red . " Girlfriend ? ! No ! We only just met ! She came to my house after - " He looks to Lora . Why were the FBI Agents looking for her ? Something wasn 't right . This was just an accident . Maybe . . . It wasn 't ? Maybe there was something she didn 't tell him . But she looked so innocent . No matter how suspicious it looked when she showed up at his doorstep , soaked , dirty , bloody , something about her didn 't seem like she was crazy . He cleared his throat , turning to the agents once again . " Perhaps Lora here could give you more information . " Was he doing the right thing ? He didn 't make very many friends , and he didn 't want to just sell her out if she really was in the right for whatever just happened . It wasn 't on his schedule to put himself on anyone 's shit list . This way , he could act dumb to the agents , and not sell her out as well . But . . . what if she really was guilty of something ? He might have to do some investigating of his own . Shawn didn 't like the sound of that , though . He kneels down , petting Bert gently to calm his nerves . " I - I don 't know what happened one your side of the story , Lora . I wasn 't there . It might be best for you to explain to them what happened . " Oh god , what was he doing ? What if she really was some psycho ? Was this just him being weak ? No . . . Either way he would be weak . If he sold her out unintentionally , he would be weak . If he continues to stay on her side , he 's weak . " Maybe it 's just me taking myself out of the spotlight again . . . This is too much pressure for me . But I can 't just put the spotlight on Lora , can I ? That would be rude . Or is it polite letting her handle things , since she experienced it first hand ? Dammit . . . It 's too late now . I 'm sorry . . . " The confused boy shakes his head . At least he was able to keep his stuttering to a minimum . " Let 's all sit in the living room . . . Is that okay ? I think we all just need to relax . " The only one that needed to relax was Shawn . Everyone else seemed to be fine . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
Every morning as I lie in bed and hear my three - year - old son begin to rustle in his bed , I vow that today , I will get down on my hands and knees and play with him . Soon , he 'll be going to school , making friends and playing soccer and video games , and at that point , he won 't want to play with me . And then I 'll miss him and feel regret . So when he says , " Mommy , will you play with me ? " I vow to say , " Yes , " and grab one of his trucks or Thomas the Tank Engine and drive it around his ringed track saying " Chuggah , chuggah , choo choo . I 'm a useful engine ! " And yet every afternoon , as my son drives his cars on the floor right next to me or runs his trains around the track , I not only fail to make good on my vow , I 'm barely in the room . Instead , I keep checking my email , thinking about stories I want to pitch , essays I want to write and sometimes taking notes for my parenting blog on raising a toddler - except I spend more time writing about raising him than actually raising him . " Mommy , who are you talking to ? " my son says , as I whisper into my tape recorder to remind myself how when he had his hands covering his eyes yesterday at the playground , I thought he was crying when it turns out he was only playing hide - and - seek . I know I should savor this time with my son , like a peppermint , but I can 't help myself . If I 've experienced something noteworthy , I want to write about it . And so I walk that tightrope all writers must walk : to live in the moment in order to experience life or to come out of the moment in order to write about it . So when my son does something funny or interesting or smart , my default reflex is to reach for my pen instead of my son . Sometimes I can 't write it down fast enough , so I scribble on my hand , the back of coupons , inside book jackets - sometimes even library books - or I 'll grab my iPhone and type a note or record a phrase . But when it 's time to turn these experiences , notes and recordings into prose , I fall asleep , and all those pearls of wisdom just fade away like penning a great poem and then leaving it out in the rain . And then the next day comes , when I hear my son rustling , I vow to play with him , and then spend half the day taking notes on what it 's like to half play with him , and the cycle begins anew . I 'm not just distracted from playing with him because I 'm a writer . I 'm distracted because I 'm struggling with the fact that I 'm no longer working full time . I had my son at 47 so I 've spent the last three decades building a career as a journalist , but since I had him , I 've cut my workload and my paycheck by a third - not to mention the fact that his needs and moods and demands and incessant chatter has destroyed my ability to focus . Stories take five times longer to write , naptime dictates when I can schedule interviews . Worse , I now have severe mommy - brain and can no longer hold a thought for more than a minute . The instant my son interrupts me , which happens all day long , my focus runs off the track like a Thomas train . There 's a lot of talk about this social dynamic : couple has child , man keeps career , woman watches hers unravel , at least until the child goes to school . First , there were books and articles about how women can have it all : motherhood and a career . Then everyone admitted women really can 't have it all . And there are cries of sexism and how something has to change . I agree it 's sexist , but at the same time , I 'm a beneficiary . I 'm glad it 's acceptable for me to put half my career on hold while I spend time with my son in his formative years . My husband could have said he wanted to stay home while I continued to work full time , but he didn 't , and it 's not just because he earns twice what I do and his workplace is less flexible . It 's because underneath it all , despite our liberal beliefs and cosmopolitan sensibilities , like old wallpaper you might find underneath plaster , we still believed boys go to work and girls stay home . And I feel lucky for that . I get to be with my son in these delicious but fleeting formative years . If I could only stop working long enough to enjoy it . This morning , when I went into my son 's room , I said , " I want to play with you . " My son looked surprised but broke out into a big wide smile and hugged me . His response warmed me so deeply , I thought , " This is it . This is what it 's all about . It 's not about awards or accolades or money . It 's about this . Loving and being loved . Wanting and being wanted . " The experience was so moving , I grabbed a notebook to jot it all down . 4 Comments » We recently took a two - day train ride from Chicago to Seattle , passing through Glacier National Park , which is part of the reason we took the trip . At 53 , I 'd never seen a national park . My son is six . I wanted to get him started earlier . On the train , I met Carol , a woman who has been working for Amtrak for 17 years . For the last several , she 's been working behind the counter of the snack bar , which has everything from sandwiches and hot dogs to candy and beer . Every time she went on break , which she would make an announcement over the loudspeaker telling everyone that the snack bar would be closed for an hour while she was on her lunch break , and then her dinner break , and then her post dinner break . The passage of time on our two - day train journey was marked by Carol 's intermittent meal breaks . Talking to train employees , I notice that most were either from Chicago or Seattle , which makes sense , given the train 's route . Carol was from Chicago . All the people working the back of the train are from Chicago , she says , as if I should have known that . The employees who come from Seattle work in the front of the train , from the dining car upward , she says . I ask her why . She didn 't know . Maybe because the train is from Seattle , and there aren 't enough people from Seattle to work the train , so they use people from Chicago , she said . I nod my head , even though what she 's saying doesn 't make any sense . " Weird ? I 've had plenty of weird stuff , but I 'm not going to talk to you about that , " she says and pauses . " But I 'll tell you something scary . " There was a mother and daughter sitting in the lounge upstairs , she said . She 'd seen them up there . When she was done with her shift , she went up the stairs , and at the top step was the daughter , who grabbed Carol 's hand . ' Help me ! My mother can 't breathe , ' the girl said . Carol looked over at the mother , who was already turning blue . She says there was a passenger a few years ago who kept coming back for more drinks and was becoming more and more inebriated . Soon , he got into an argument with one of her co - workers , Larry , and the two got into a scuffle down by the doorway of the train as it pulled out of a station , she said . Suddenly , the man opened a window and jumped out , rolling down the hill that runs alongside the tracks . " He 's lucky the train wasn 't going faster . He would have been a goner , " Carol says . " The suction would have pulled him under the train . " Every time we hit a town , I 'd take a lot of photographs because I was finding that the dramatic landscape I hoped to see was there - but at 60 miles an hour . While the sightseeing was good , my photographs were not . So every time the train would stop , I would rush down to the door to peek my head out and snap a few photos , of the town 's gas station , the local church , the local tavern . But when I ran downstairs at Glasgow , North Dakota , the door was closed . It was odd because we 'd only just arrived at the station . It was too soon for the door to have already opened and shut . A woman with long red hair , glasses , and a Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt was waiting by the door with a young man . That 's happened to me many times , where I 'm standing at the train door waiting for it to open , and it doesn 't , and I begin to panic , thinking all of the other doors have opened but mine and that the train will soon pull out of the station without my door ever having opened . I started to feel anxiety , and it wasn 't even my stop . The funny thing was , this woman was so calm . If it were me , I 'd be bouncing off the walls like a fly trying to find an opening in a window . He must have told her that in a text . I thought for sure the train was going to stop , given that the conductor now knew there was someone on the train wanting to get off , but but it didn 't . It kept going , until we were well out of Glasgow and back into the flat farmlands of Montana . " You should tell the conductor , " I said . I looked around . There was no one in sight . It was just the three of us on the lower level by the door . I wasn 't sure if I should press an emergency button . I didn 't want to make a nuisance of myself . She was getting off the train . Me , I was going to be on it for another day , beholden to the engineer and all the train 's employees . I went back upstairs to the lounge car , where my husband and son were playing cards . When I saw one of the conductors walk by , I blurted out , " A woman was trying to get off the train , and the door didn 't open . Do only certain doors open ? How do people know which doors are going to open ? " " No , they can 't . We can 't open all the doors . We don 't have enough people to stand at every door , " he said . I didn 't like this system . It anticipated that they knew how people would act . It also seemed like a game where not everyone was told the rules . We went to lunch , and on the way back to the lounge car , I saw the woman who couldn 't get off the train . She was lounging in her seat , listening to something on her earphones . She looked content . I wished I could be that content when things go awry . And in Montana , missing your stop is no small matter . The next one isn 't for another several hours . She told me her husband works for BNSF railways , and he 's been stationed in Havre , Montana for the last several months - about a six - hour drive from where she 's from , in Minot . They were going to meet in Glasgow , which is about four hours from Minot but certainly closer than going all the way to Havre , where he 's been living . She wound up having to go to Havre anyway . " He only gets four days off a month . We were going to meet in Glasgow , because it 's his birthday , " she said . " I haven 't seen him since January . " She was drinking a soda her husband had bought her at McDonald 's . He was going to give it to her when she got off the train but when he didn 't see her , he gave it to a train employee with the hopes that it would find its way to her . It did . Out the window , the farms of Montana rolled by . There would be one farm , and then a long period of rolling hills before you 'd see another farm or house . That kind of vastness makes all matters involving people seem small in comparison . It puts it in perspective . The woman went back to whatever she was listening to on her earphones , knowing that if she hadn 't seen her husband in four months , another four or five hours wasn 't going to make that much of a difference . I was lying . I hated camp . I was so filled with self - loathing at that age , I was socially awkward and self - conscious . It didn 't help that I was not very athletic . I remember one particular game of newcomb , a variation of volleyball but instead of hitting the ball back to the other team , you simply caught it . I was standing in the middle of the court , filled with dread that the ball would come near me , when the ball flew over the net and hovered in the air above my head . I made a half - hearted attempt to catch it , but I missed and the ball fell to the ground right in front of me with a thud . " Frosted fleas ! " cried one of the more athletic girls on the team , referring to my t - shirt , which had a picture of a box of Frosted Flakes cereal but instead of flakes , the box contained fleas . It was part of the Wacky Packages line of trading cards and t - shirts popular in the 1970s that parodied everyday consumer products . But having just missed the ball so blatantly , I felt like it was I who was covered with fleas . Every day that summer , I prayed for rain so we could do arts and crafts instead of sports . As we neared my son 's camp , I told him he didn 't have to do anything he didn 't want to , and he didn 't have to talk to anyone if he didn 't want to . It was the same deal we had with intramural soccer , where he was afraid to go out on the field . I saw no reason to force him . The world is a hard place for people who are socially awkward and bad at sports . I figure he 's allowed a few pressure - free years before being subjected to the cruelties of school and gym . When we arrived at the camp , I got out of car and opened his door . He climbed out and latched on to my leg like a clamp . I couldn 't move . A counselor and one of the owners of the camp had to peel him off . I wanted to cuddle him but knew that once he was pried off , if I reached out for him , he 'd latch on again . As the camp owner carried him off , I could see the corner of his face , and it was red , and I knew he was crying . I shouldn 't have looked . Like Sodom and Gomorrah , you leave and don 't look back . Children need to grow , to leave the womb , to separate . It 's painful but necessary , like ripping off a Band - Aid . To make matters worse , I realized I forgot to bring his camp bag , which had his towel , sun block , swimming goggles . I had to drive all the way home to get it . I also forgot to put his name on everything . I had tried to do it with masking tape and a sharpie marker , but the masking tape was so old , it no longer stuck . I tried writing my son 's name directly on the tags on his clothes and towel , but the marker bled , and instead of saying , " Holmes , " all the labels said , " Hams . " Interestingly , there 's another child from my son 's pre - school attending the camp . When I got home , I saw the girl 's mother had posted a photo of her on Facebook . In it , she looks like a cadet : hair quaffed , a magenta backpack that matched her magenta sandals , and she 's carrying what looks like a new plastic lunchbox . The caption said that her daughter had woken up at 4 : 20 a . m . and said , " I 'm ready for camp . " At our house , my son woke up at 6 : 55 a . m . , climbed into bed with me and my husband and announced that he did not want to go to camp . I said , " Oh , please , let me sleep five more minutes , " I said and handed him my phone to occupy him . He pressed each button so loudly and deliberately , I rolled over and gave him my back , resenting the three minutes of sleep he had stolen from me . As for his outfit , I was afraid to comb his hair because he 'd fallen this past weekend and had a scab on his head . His sneakers fit so poorly , I have to tell him , " Push your foot toward the front , " every time we put his shoes on . And his lunch bag is oversized and a bit tattered because it was the one my late father used to fill with snacks to take to his chemotherapy appointments , and I refuse to throw it out . When I picked up my son , I asked him how it went . " Good , " he said , halfheartedly . What did he like best ? Swimming . And the Popsicle . When I dropped him off the next morning , he latched on to me again but not as hard . By the end of the week , we had a system . I 'd pull in and remain in the car while a counselor took him out of his car seat and carried him through the gate , saying , " Your counselor , Mr . Dane , has been asking about you . " As I pulled out of the parking lot , I could see my son 's car seat in my rear view mirror . Usually , when I angle the mirror toward the back seat , it 's so that I can see him when I 'm talking to him . Now , I saw only his seat , and it looked so empty . 2 Comments » Life is like a minefield , where we are forced to make decisions again and again with every step we take . Do I go left at this junction or right ? Do I use my coveted free time away from my son to go food shopping , or do I wait until he gets home from camp and suffer the consequences of shopping with a tired , petulant four - year - old who wants something in every aisle and doesn 't mind having a tantrum in order to get it ? And if I take him shopping , will he like his father better than me because with daddy , he plays basketball and goes rollerblading while with mommy , all he ever does is run errands and go food shopping ? Which is how we ended up in the bird store in the first place . I thought if my son is going to accompany me food shopping , I should give him something in return . When we walked in , there were bird cages everywhere . There were big bright red and blue parrots , parakeets , and finches , blue jays and canaries , big birds with big beaks and little birds that moved so fast , you couldn 't even see their beaks . Some birds were in cages while others were in one of the rows and rows of plastic compartments that lined the store like condominium complexes . I was struck by all the signs listing what you could not do in the shop . Do not feed the birds from crumbs on the floor . Do not touch the big parrots . Do not take photos or use camcorders . There was so much negativity , I was surprised to see a gumball machine filled with bird food that one could buy for a quarter , like you might see at a petting zoo . Which is why I put a piece of food in between my four - year old son 's small fingers and pushed him toward one of the bird condominiums and said , " Go on . Put it toward his beak . He 'll take it out of your hand . " My son was still crying when a woman emerged from the back of the store and attended to some business behind the counter up front . She looked up but didn 't say anything . They must be used to this , I thought . I also thought if my son had a choice between rollerblading with his dad and getting his finger bit with me , he 'd most assuredly choose the former . I still had a fistful of food in my hand . I was beginning to understand why there was food on the floor of the store . People probably drop it after they 've been bitten . Perhaps it was penance or an attempt to teach my son to get back on the horse from which he 's fallen , but after having thrust his small hand into a vulture 's cage , I felt obliged to feed one of the birds myself . I put a small piece of food in my hand and looked for a bird with a smaller beak than the one that had just bitten my son . I held my fingers out , close enough for the bird to reach me but not too close . As the bird approached , I let go of the food , and it dropped to the floor . I tried again with a longer piece , and as the bird came toward me , my heart started pounding . The bird grabbed the food out of my hand , barely touching my fingers . Salvation accomplished . I threw the rest of the food on the floor and took my son 's hand . As we walked out of the store , I looked at the sign that said , " No photos , " and I was about to pull my camera out of my bag out of spite , but I remembered I 'd left it in the car . So I did the next best thing : I left the store without saying goodbye . That 'll teach him , I thought . " He 's just sort of like a silly guy . He 's a silly guy . Sometimes , if you put your arm out like this , they fly onto your arm , and when you 're really , really loud , they fly off your arm , " he said . " I think he 's a baby one . So maybe he doesn 't know any better . " We were meeting two of my son 's friends at the park , and as soon as we arrived , my son ran over to the tire swing . He was soon joined by his friend , Peter . As the two of them climbed on , a third boy walked over whom none of us knew . I continued to spin the swing around and around until I suddenly felt resistance . I looked at the ground and saw the boy who had gotten sick had put his feet down to stop the ride . He quickly began to climb off . " Nah , " he said and started to walk away but then changed his mind . He came back and climbed up on the tire . I began to spin the swing around and around , but after a few turns , I again felt resistance . I looked down and saw Jack 's feet on the ground . He started to climb off before the tire had stopped spinning . He looked pale . " I want . I want , " said Jack 's younger brother , Cade , who is always standing nearby wanting to do what the older boys are doing . But after a few revolutions , even Cade , who will throw his body onto anything without even putting his hands down , wanted to get off the swing . As the tire spun faster and faster , I watched Eddie and Peter lean backward and laugh with glee , their mouths wide open like fruit slices . I was happy to see my son smiling , but I also felt proud , the pride of a mother whose son has achieved something . In this case : the bravery to spin . I 've always known the world was divided into those who can tolerate fast , scary rides and those who can 't , and I was proud my son was among the former . There 's a certain amount of courage afforded to those who can go on scary rides , and a cowardice associated with those who don 't . My son made me feel like our family has balls , like we were bad ass . I felt courageous , by proxy . And it felt good because me , I 'm mostly yellow . I remember going to an amusement park in eighth grade with my then boyfriend , and as we went around and around on a ride called the Paratrooper , I started to feel queasy . It 's not a fast ride , but it has just enough up and down and round and round to shake things up in your stomach . By the fourth or fifth revolution , I threw up all over my shoes and that of my boyfriend , and I 've been skittish about scary rides ever since . I continued to spin my son and his friend faster and faster , but I suddenly feared that going too much in the same direction would make them sick . I let the swing slow down enough to stop it . I then gave it a big push in the opposite direction . I continued to push it around and around , faster and faster , and as I pushed , I could see Peter 's face begin to smile again . But this time , my son , Eddie , didn 't look so good . I stopped pushing and let the ride slow down and as it did , I could see my son 's face growing pale . Soon his feet were on the ground , and he was trying to climb down before the swing had even stopped . " I feel sick , " he said and stumbled over to a bench . He suddenly belched . " I just threw up , " he said , though I didn 't see any signs of it . But there 's the description of the day and the reality of it . From the minute we got to the warehouse , my son kept saying , " Mommy , when are we going to the yard sale ? " " Can we go to the yard sale now ? " " Is it time to go to the yard sale yet ? " " Mommy , it 's time to go now . Let 's go to the yard sale . " We bought an old farm sink and headed over to the yard sale but found it wasn 't really a yard sale . It was a guy cleaning out his garage , and he had lined up all his old fishing rods and tackle by the roadside to see if he could get any nibbles , so to speak . We bit . Thirty dollars later , we had a freshwater rod , a new tackle box - we probably paid more for it than it would have cost at WalMart - and got a fishing lesson on how to set up a line with sinkers and fishing swivels . We then headed out to the reservoir to put our new knowledge and equipment to use . " Why are you getting so defensive ? " I asked . " All I wanted to know was whether you had a car charger on you , so you could charge your phone right now , in the car . " Our son was in the back seat as we argued . Sadly , he 's accustomed to it . Perhaps there was a time when he thought all the arguing and animosity was his fault , but by now , he probably understands his parents are just asinine and that in between all the discord , they sometimes like each other . We arrived at the reservoir and rented a row boat for an hour . They handed us life jackets and sent us to boat # 14 . We walked down to the dock , and the three of us piled into the boat , along with our two fishing rods , a canvas bag filled with boxes of bait and tackle and a couple of long sleeve shirts that we clearly didn 't need as it was really hot . I like to be prepared for anything . " I want to try something , " I said , and reversed the oars , thinking maybe the last renter had put them in backwards . The swivel mechanism worked a little better initially but after a few strokes , it began to jam again . The problem wasn 't that the oars were inserted into the wrong holes . It was that the swivel mechanism was broken . I tried to row the boat toward the boathouse but I couldn 't turn it around in the right direction . The broken swivel mechanism made it difficult to turn the boat back around toward shore , and every time the oar got stuck , the boat would turn back in the wrong direction . There was a light breeze making the boat drift farther from shore , and the longer it took me to turn the boat around , the farther we drifted . My husband handed me his fishing pole and tried to turn the boat around . He managed to row a couple of feet . I was watching so intently , I didn 't realize I wasn 't holding the fishing rod he 'd handed me until the line snagged onto something in the water and as the boat moved forward , the rod quickly went overboard . We were so focused on getting back to shore , the loss of the rod went largely unnoticed . The man on the phone was soon approaching us in a motor boat . I waved my hands wildly to make sure he saw us . The man tied our little boat behind his , and as we headed toward the shore , I hung my head in shame as we passed the other boaters , because we were having to be towed back . But I also felt a little satisfied , knowing that no matter how defensive my husband got as we argued earlier in the car , my underlying point was right : people should always travel with a charged cell phone . |
Embracing Me is an opportunity for us to connect with ourselves . . . learning to embrace the God within . The post that I share with you are very real . The experiences of my life ( whether good , bad or indifferent ) sought to develop me into a Woman who honors the God that dwells inside of me . For over 10 years I fought against sharing my life 's experiences with the world but I also neglected to fully share my gifts . You may ask why I denied myself to live and the answer is fear ! After relinquishing the fear of my own thoughts as well as the thoughts of others I have decided to do and be all that God has ordained . He chose me to share my testimonies through songs , poetry , short stories and encouraging words . Nothing like the bright sunshine and the great outdoors , except having friends to enjoy it with . I however had no friends because mommy rarely allowed me to go outside . But today she had a visitor ; it was the strange man that had been staring at us during the time my father passed away , so she allowed me to sit out front . I was sitting on the porch steps watching my brother play catch with his friends . Our neighborhood was full of little boys but all the girls were so much older than me , plus , I didn 't feel much like doing what the girls did anyway . I was used to being with my daddy and today , I missed him a lot . Seems it was always my oldest brother with my Aunt Pattie - pooh because she had four daughters but always wanted a son so she looked at my brother like so . My mother always had my baby sister Renee because she was the youngest and looked most like her . My oldest brother Man always had my baby brother Brian , of course because he was a boy . Crying was not an option as I sat on the steps but I could at least think of my dad in hopes that my day dreaming would help me feel close to him today . My dad used to take me everywhere with him because I was daddy 's little girl . He took me on long walks from one neighborhood to the next and we would stop at the parks in these areas . Daddy would push me so high on the swings that I thought I was going to touch the sky . I would throw my head back , close my eyes and smile . I trusted him . I knew he would keep me safe . The thing I recall most was when my dad took me to this house that seemed to be in a whole different world . The house was nothing like ours . Yes , it was made of brick outside like ours and attached to other houses but the inside was huge , the steps were made of wood and there was carpet on the floors . Our house was concrete and steel inside but at least my mom kept it clean . This house was junky every time dad and I went to visit . It had a huge kitchen and a separate dining area whereas we had a two - in - one , kitchen and dining room combo . Each time we visited , we would climb the steep stairs but before we reached the door a petite lady with short hair and small frame would emerge from the other side greeting him with a smile , hug and then a kiss . Somehow , even as young as I was , I knew this was his " other woman " … his girlfriend but I never asked any questions . I was just happy to be with my daddy . The woman had a daughter who appeared to be about my age . It was actually pretty scary because when I looked at her it was like looking in a mirror . We were about the same complexion , smiled just the same ; both wore the same pony tails and had the same love in our eyes for my daddy . Ironically , I believe her name was Tracey . I was slightly taller than her and though we never discussed ages or birthdays for some reason I always thought that she was a little older than me , not much but maybe a few months . Tracey and I were given a 40 ounce can of beer , told to share it and prompted to sit on the stairs being sure not to move until our parents came back for us . Sometimes we sat just holding the can , looking at one another with questions in our eyes but neither of us bold enough to ask with our lips . Those days of drinking beer with Tracey gave me a strong distaste for it and made me hate seeing women drink beer . In fact , I made a vow with myself at that early age to avoid beer altogether when I grew up . Eventually our parents would come back and get us , take us into the kitchen and feed us sandwiches . Afterwards my daddy and I would leave . Most times it was pitch black outside so we would walk a ways , then mount a bus or grab a cab to head home . When we arrived at home , LATE , dad reeked of beer , mom would be there waiting with fire in her eyes . I remember one time she asked him where the hell he had been and I blurted out the answer , saying we had just come from daddy 's girlfriend 's house . It didn 't come from a place of mischief , I really don 't know what made me answer but I said it with a smile like I was happy . That couldn 't possibly have made my mother feel like a woman or feel loved . As my dad turned to look at me I felt like a traitor . Actually , I felt like a two - fold traitor , one for being with my dad 's girlfriend AND being happy about it which I knew was wrong for my dad to do and two , for telling on my dad knowing it landed him in hot water . I was sent upstairs and the screaming match ensued . The next day when I saw dad preparing for our daily outdoor adventure I quickly ran and grabbed my shoes and jacket , rushing back to my father 's side . As I stood beside him with all my normal excursion gear he looked down at me and informed me that I was not able to go with him . I asked him why and then I heard a voice behind me say because I said so . It was mommy . Dad just looked up at her as she glared back almost daring him to say something . I tugged dad 's pants leg and begged him to take me with him . He said he couldn 't this time but promised he would do something special with me when he came back . As he walked out the door I burst into tears and at this very moment , I was shaken from my daydream with the strange man asking me if I was okay . I had not realized the tears from my daydream actually fell in my reality also . Embarrassed , I quickly wiped my eyes and shook my head , nodding that I was okay . The man patted the top of my head , turned and yelled to my brother , " BALL " . My brother threw it to him and the man told him to go long and then threw the ball back to my brother and his friends . He turned back to me saying be a good girl with a partial smile on his face . I watched him as he walked away and then turned to go inside . My mother was standing in the doorway watching the man walk away also . She opened the door for me and then called for my brother to come in telling both of us to go upstairs and wash up because it was time for dinner . As I walked up the stairs guilt consumed me . I began feeling like I was the reason my father left and that if I had only kept quiet he would still be with us , I would still be traveling the city with him and he would be alive . I stayed in the bathroom for a while after we washed our hands and splashed water on my face to cover my tears . I held those tears for as long as I could but was no longer able to hold them inside . I didn 't want to upset my mother or have my brother make fun of me . No one cried since the funeral and even then mom was not the one I saw shedding tears and certainly no one discussed my dad 's passing . I needed this moment , I needed my dad . __________________________________________________ Before you were brought forth , you were loved . As the prayers flowed and the tears fell , you were loved . On the day of your birth and you showed up , you were loved . As the doctors were working to pull you into this world , you were loved . Once you were placed in my hands , I realized that I was LOVED ! As I saw you had your toes & hands and I knew I was loved . As you started to walk and talk , I knew I was loved . As you began to speak your own thoughts and make your own decisions , I knew I was loved . When you learned to play chess , help with your brother and hugged me with your loving touch , I knew I was loved . When you started school and it was clear that you had a special gift , I knew you were loved . When you listened and understood all the times I told you that you are # 1 because of the LOVE of God , I knew we were both Loved . As you learned & lived the Love of God , I knew we were Loved . Life has come full circle and I KNOW THAT GOD LOVED BOTH OF US ALL ALONG . Thank you for being a wonderful daughter . Thank you for loving me , and I certainly thank God I was and am still able to love you . Nothing , not even death can keep me from loving you ! One day I was walking down the street with my mom and saw an old man wrapped in dirty blankets . His hair was long and he spelled of a horrible odor as we walked by . For some reason my dad entered my mind . Somehow this man reminded me of my father . It wasn 't that he resembled my dad but the smell was an all too familiar one - that of alcohol . The man reached out and touched my moms arm asking if she had any spare change for him to get some food . Mom pulled her arm away from him and grabbed me with her free hand pulling me along as she hurriedly walked away telling him that she unfortunately could not help . As I looked back at the man I was filled with grief - sort of made me miss my dad . It made me wonder if my dad had ever stood on the corners like this when he reeked of alcohol . I asked my mom why he was outside laying on the street and she replied that he was homeless . Homeless , I repeated in confusion . She said yes and went on to tell me how he lived on the streets , didn 't have access to food on a regular basis , had no place to wash his body , air or clothing and probably had no family to care for him . Of course I knew my dad had these things when he was alive but sadness still overwhelmed me at the thought of my dad being homeless and alone . Quite frequently I fantasized about him coming home but at this moment , something beyond grief began to fill me . I was filled with disappointment , anger and frustration . Since I was about age three I remember watching the late night feed the hungry children in Africa commercials but I never fathomed we , America , had a problem feeding and housing our own people . From my three year old perspective , all problems were solvable . With all the resources Americans had , we certainly should all be able to live under one roof without problems , right ? Now actually witnessing homeless people eat out of trash cans , sleep on street benches or cuddled under bridges to protect themselves from the earths sometimes harsh elements of cold , wind and even the sun or hearing of homeless persons dying in the streets brought anguish and discomfort to me . I wondered where their families were and how such things could happen . My body physically throbbed with pain when I thought of the emotional , mental and physical discomforts the homeless encountered daily . Not a day went by after the encounter with the homeless man that I didn 't consider ways to resolve these problems . One day , not long after seeing the homeless man on the streets , I decided I had the answer to end homelessness and world hunger . Rushing into the kitchen where my mother was seated at the dinner table , I said to her almost out of breath , " Mommy , we should let all the homeless people live with us … AND , we can feed them too . " My mom looked at me with warm eyes , as if she knew my pain , but her mouth uttered , " Stacie , we can 't just bring strangers into our house . Some of them are sick , dirty and we can 't trust anyone . I 'm not willing to jeopardize your safety or the safety of your brothers and sisters . " I stood firmly planted on my legs and looked at my mother with an indescribable disappointment . Her words cut deep into the core of my soul and although I was hurt by her response I continued to plead my case for the hungry and homeless . " Ma , I 'm not afraid . They won 't hurt us if we take care of them . They will be grateful just like you tell us to be when you feed us , clean us and give us new clothes . I know we only have a little bit of money and our house is not that big but they can sleep in my bed . I will lie on the floor and I will watch them to be sure they don 't steal . We can find their families and then take them home . Plus , you always make big pots of soup and it 's always left overs for three days . We can share our soup ! " My mom turned away and began to fiddle with the items on the table . In a low grumble my mother said , " Stac , we can 't do that . " Just as I began to respond in a whiny voice , " but ma - meeeee " , my mother turned to me and said , " NO ! N - O - and that 's it . Don 't say anything else about it . " I was crushed ! I walked away with my head down , tears filling and flowing like rivers from my eyes . I was disappointed , hurt , angry and just plain sad that people had the means to help others but were just too selfish and afraid to do so . Furthermore , I couldn 't believe my mom was one of the selfish ones . I promised myself that when I grew up I would always keep my doors open without fear or selfishness . All I considered is that it could easily be me without a place to lay my head . I could not begin to imagine the discomforts of being on the streets when temperatures dropped below freezing . Equally , I could not imagine being in Africa with desert like conditions , without water to quench my thirst . Nor could I think of not having food to eat to soothe my grumbling belly . I figured , when I grew up , I would change the world . Of course looking back I see that my mom was clearly trying to protect us but my views remain . I don 't quite remember how many days went by but I do remember it was early this particular morning . My oldest brother and I were dressed , sitting downstairs in the living room . We had just finished having breakfast . I believe the babies had been up early and were now sleeping . My mom was still in her house clothes , floor length light blue cotton nightgown with a floral robe on top . She was pacing the floor anxiously . My oldest brother and I could read the confusion on one another 's faces . We were actually a little nervous . Mom was typically calm so her behavior had us on pins and needles . We broke our awkward silence , turned to look at each other and I whispered to my brother asking him if he knew what was wrong with mommy . He said she missed dad and was having a hard time taking care of us by herself . That was at least his best guess as the oldest . As mom walked towards the door , she took long drags on her cigarette , slowly exhaling until the cigarette almost disappeared between her fingers . It was like watching a scary haunted movie where we all knew something bad was about to happen but didn 't know what . Suddenly , the phone rang . We all jumped and then Man and I watched mom wisp towards the kitchen to answer the phone . For some reason we knew the call had something to do with our father . Mom slowly walked towards the living room sofa with the phone in her hand as she listened intently and waved us to get up and go upstairs all in the same motion . As we moved towards the stairs , seemingly in slow motion , Man and I grabbed hands and looked at one another knowing that the news wouldn 't be good . We reached the top of the stairs , stopped and sat , waiting , hoping to hear something that would give us a clue as to mom 's anxiety . Almost simultaneously my brother and I said daddy died . It was this gut feeling that led us to verbalize what we were thinking . We sat on the steps hugging , almost at the point of tears but never letting a drop fall . Felt like an eternity before mom called us back downstairs . We eagerly rushed down the stairs and then over to where she sat on the sofa . She looked at us almost blankly ; maybe more shock than anything , no true expression written on her face , just distance in her eyes . Even though we knew our guts hadn 't led us astray , anxiety had traded places and we now stood where our mom stood earlier , as we waited for her to say something to break the silence and clue us in . Finally she told us that our daddy died and wouldn 't be coming back home again . We hugged our mom tightly and lay in her arms allowing rivers of silent tears to flow . The entire week was spent with family , friends and plenty of unfamiliar faces of people professing their love for our father . My siblings and I were shifted from arm to arm and house to house as everyone pitched in to assist my mom while funeral arrangements were being made . A man showed up who looked a lot like my dad except he was taller , thicker and wore a mustache . Along with his mustache a somber look was painted on his face as if he had lost his dog . Seemed to me , every time I looked up he was watching me and my brother . It was weird but I never asked any questions just smiled , kept an eye on my mom and tried not to get in the adults way . Finally it was time to say our last goodbyes to my dad . We entered the church to find it filled with people , again , most of whom I couldn 't recall seeing before . As we walked down the aisle to the front of the church I remember an older man with glasses . He wore a white robe trimmed in red and held a book in his left hand as his arms dangled by his side . I remember this specifically because he was standing behind a box that held my father . Felt like we were walking forever before we finally reached the front of the church . I don 't remember much more except me and my brother Man sat by my mom in the front pew just watching my dad 's still body . It looked like he was sleeping to me . I kept waiting for him to get up , to scream surprise or something , I mean , he was known for playing cruel and unusual jokes . As I sat there in the pew beside my mother , my mind drifted back to how my grandmother recently died and we were here in this same church with a different set of folks screaming and crying . These people included my father who as I recall was extremely sad when Grandma Mayme passed away . I thought about how when it was time for her funeral my father sat outside on the car smoking a cigarette looking dazed but when he noticed I was standing there he plucked his cigarette away , blew the smoke in the opposite direction and reached down to pick me up . I was in a frilly laced dress . He told me I looked pretty , pinched my nose and then kissed my cheek . I grabbed both of his cheeks with my tiny little hands and asked him if he was sad . Instead of answering me he asked me if I was sad . With teary eyes I told him I missed grandma and then asked where dead people go . He said to heaven after we bury them . I was confused but didn 't want to keep asking questions , as I could see that talking about this made him upset . I snapped out of my day dream and was snatched back to reality as the preacher concluded his prayer with Amen , and asked everyone to stand to their feet . The funeral directors came forth to provide instructions and as the man closed the casket another harsh reality almost choked the life from me as I watch my father 's face fade away . My mom stood , tearless . Before you were brought forth , you were loved . As the prayers flowed and the tears fell , you were loved . On the day of your birth , you showed up while your mother was grimacing through the pains of birthing you , still , you were loved . As the doctors were working to pull you into this world , you were loved . Once you were placed in my arms , I realized that I was LOVED ! As I saw you had your toes & hands , I knew I was loved . As you started to walk and talk , I knew I was loved . As you began to speak your own thoughts and make your own decisions , I knew I was loved . When you learned to play chess , help with your brother and hugged me with your loving touch , I knew I was loved . When you started school and it was clear that you had a special gift , I knew you were loved . When I told you that " you are # 1 " only because of the LOVE of God , I knew we were Both Loved . As you learn , live and I watch your tender heart come to life , I know the world is loved and better because you are in it . Thank you for being a wonderful daughter . Thank you for loving me and I thank God I was able to love you . Nothing , not even death can keep me from loving you ! Late one night during the winter I heard my mom and dad having another argument about him being the man of " HIS " house and how she better start listening to him or else he was leaving . My mom said something to the effect of him not threatening to leave but that if he wanted to leave the door was open . She went on to say that if he tried coming back this time she would not let him in - then came the tussling . I heard dad sort of growl through his teeth saying owwwww , you bit me . My mom said that 's right and imma bite you again if you don 't let me go . She went on screaming she was sick of his crap , the lying , the cheating - the fights . She said she deserved better . Then I heard mommy whimper saying my dad was hurting her and then there was a thud to the floor and in that moment the whimpering reversed . It sounded as if dad was crying when he asked her why she had to do that . I lay there trying to use my little imagination to figure out what my mother could have possibly done to break free from my dad , knock him to the floor and make him cry . The loud argument faded but the discussion continued as I drifted off to sleep . When I woke the next morning the house was ironically quiet as we usually wake to chaos . Mom was downstairs , Luther Van Dross was playing softly on the stereo and she was seated at the kitchen table in her floral printed bathrobe and her rugged slippers , coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other . Somehow I already knew the answer to the question before I asked but I felt compelled to ask anyway . I walked slowly towards my mother 's seat asking her where my dad was and if he was coming back . She looked up at me with tear stained cheeks and simply answered that she didn 't know . I wasn 't sure if the answer was for question one or question two but what I did know is that I most certainly was not the only person in anguish , although , I didn 't quite understand why my mom was sad . I figured she should be happy she didn 't have to fuss and fight with him anymore . After that day in the kitchen , she was fairly quiet ; I never saw her cry again . My aunts stopped by periodically to check on my mother . My aunts tried to get her to leave the house , to go out and have fun but she made many excuses every time . One day , while my aunt was visiting I overheard her say that she received a call from my father and that he was in California . Hearing that excited something in me so I jumped up and moved quickly towards the kitchen . I knew they would tell me it was grown up conversation and to go back into the living room . So in that moment I figured I would simply ask for water so it would not seem as though I were spying . I mean it had been quite a while since I saw or heard from my father - I missed my daddy - not being able to see him or talk to him was killing me . Just as I entered the kitchen doorway , mom pulled a letter from her pocket and showed it to my aunt . It was from my dad . They went on to discuss the details of the letter never noticing I was standing there . Apparently my father found another woman , was living with her in California and wanted to marry her which meant he would have to divorce my mother . My aunt and mother sat quietly at the kitchen table for hours before my aunt took her leave . For many years now , I have walked around carrying a heavy load on my shoulders . I have asked myself many times would you , could you have lived a much better life , had I been sober of mind , heart and body . Instead I was addicted to alcohol and could not see the forest for the trees . Yes , my child I was a drunk ! No ! I did not drink every day , however , when I did ; my goal was to get drunk , escaping my daily realities . Baby girl , every time I did . I saw you watch in confusion . The yelling , the fussing and God knows whatever unnecessary behavior I had shown . Many times I should have been home with you and the rest of the family but would find myself drunk with some woman and I could not tell you who they were now . If I could only turn back the hands of time , I would do many things differently . I would be a better man , a better father . There are many things I could write about ; however , this is not easy . I wish there were other words I could say , other expressions I could use ; but there is no other way to say I am sorry for any pain , shame or scarring I caused you ! Seems we just settled into our home in Newport News , Virginia , as my father was in the service , when my mother packed me , my two brothers and my baby sister up , returning us to Baltimore . My aunt and grandparents opened their homes to us and after a while , my father encountered issues pertaining to his job and he too moved back home . Not long after living with my grandparent 's did we move into the projects of Westport near Cherry Hill in Baltimore . Dad had become increasingly hostile . Seems he was angry all the time . When he went into his flailing , yelling and screaming fits , typically my mother escaped quickly , gathering me and my siblings and scuffling us to the nearest family members house . I remember my aunts and uncles would get angry that mom had us out so late at night . They were mostly livid with my dad and would saddle up like lone - rangers to pursue and punish him in the family way . This particular night , rain beat hard against the window as my siblings and I sat in the living room . We were supposed to be waiting for mom to give us a snack and prepare us for bed but just as she was about to go into the kitchen my father stormed into the house and immediately began slinging all manner of curse words at her . She asked him if he had been drinking and all he could say was it didn 't matter . Mom told him to go upstairs and get his self together so she could finish with us and then she would talk to him about whatever had him so angry . He insisted that she stop what she was doing and come upstairs with him at that very moment . Mom refused so dad came over , grabbed her by her arm and began pushing her towards the stairs . Mommy was screaming telling dad to let her arm go because he was hurting her but he ignored her declaring that she would learn to respect him one way or the other . Mom called for my oldest brother telling him to come to her . I didn 't realize then but she was using him as a shield , figuring if dad could only see the look in his sons ' eyes he would cease with his intentions to " teach her a lesson . " Man , my oldest brother , ran over to mom and began pleading with my dad to stop and let her go but dad insisted that he stay in a child 's place and go back to his seat . I then ran over and grabbed my dad around his leg crying , yelling and asking him to please stop . I 'll never forget that night because it was the night my dad turned to me , grabbed me by my two ponytails , picked me up by them and partially slung me off of his leg . At that moment I was a broken little girl . As far as I could remember in my almost five years of life my dad had never even spanked me but now in a moment he crushed me , not physically but my spirit was far removed . I was daddy 's girl and was unaccustomed to this behavior towards me . As I sat on the floor crying I remember hearing my baby brother and sister wailing out of fear , Man was yelling at dad demanding he let mommy go as dad pushed her up the stairs . Finally , they were out of sight but we most certainly could hear the cursing and thumping . After a while my mom came downstairs telling me and my brother to grab our rain coats and to hurry before dad came downstairs . She never really let us get them all the way on as she marched us out the front door urging us to walk faster . When we finally reached the nearest family members home , mom was surprised to see my aunts and uncles were all there playing cards . Aunt Pattie - pooh asked my mother bluntly what was going on , of course using a few choice words . She could clearly tell that mom had been crying and asked if Eddie , my father came home acting a fool again . Mom answered yes and before she could tell them anything further my uncle said he came home violent and drunk didn 't he ? My mom seemed reluctant to answer but before long the adults remembered that we , the children were standing in the room , dripping from the rain . Some of the older cousins were called down to tend to the babies and to get us ready for bed . As we headed upstairs the adult voices began to fade , eventually dissipating altogether and I knew they were all headed to my house to whip on my dad . At the time , I didn 't realize he was physically abusing my mother because all he ever allowed us to witness was him yelling at her and grabbing her . And I certainly had not considered that even if he was not physically abusive he sure was wearing her out with mental abuse with all the names he called her and all the ways he humiliated her in front of us and often in front of company . I cried myself to sleep with each of these episodes and woke the next morning to him carrying me back to my house with mom by his side pushing the babies in a stroller and Man trailing behind . Every time I would think that was the end of the fighting things grew worse . One time my father came home so drunk that he must have forgotten my aunts and uncles didn 't tolerate his drunken ignorance . My mom , aunts and uncles were in the kitchen when my father came home , smoking weed , loud , and obnoxious , reeking of alcohol , and barking instructions to all in HIS house . He was sure to remind everyone that he was the king of the castle . The adults were listening to records and pretty much ignoring his ranting . My dad walked over to the stereo and changed the record to something he wanted to hear . My mother told him to stop smoking the weed in the house around us and then she told him to leave the music alone informing him that they were there first . My father began yelling obscenities ; again echoing he was the king in his house and if they didn 't like what he was doing , they could all get out . As my dad went to the sofa , continuing to smoke his marijuana my mom went to the record player and put on Michael Jackson , a record they listened to hours ago but what they all wanted to hear at the moment . My dad jumped up and pushed my mom into the wall . Just as he raised his fist to hit her , my uncle ran into the living room and stood in between my mom and my dad . My uncle told my father to go upstairs and sleep off his drunken high but my father refused . He told my uncle to stay out of his business and then accused my mother of sleeping with my uncle . Uncle Mike retorted that my dad was an A - hole and warned him that if he did not stop with his outlandish behavior he would put him in his place . Again , my father must have forgotten that my aunts and uncles were not afraid of him and believed in teaching HIM lessons . Dad jumped in my uncles ' face , called him a few names and told him he wasn 't going to do nothing to him . As my dad tried to reach around my uncle to change the record my uncle caught his arm giving him his final warning to calm down . My dad swung at my uncle and missed . My uncle came back with a blow to his nose . I will never forget watching the blood drip from my dad 's face and although I knew my dad was wrong I was really hurt because he was hurt . This highly dramatic man , screamed out that his nose was broken and went staggering up the stairs to clean up the blood muffling something like he 'd be back to take care of my uncle . Just as a daddy 's girl , I climbed the stairs to check on my daddy . He was in his room with the door closed . I knocked lightly . When he didn 't answer I opened the door and found him sitting on the roof just outside of his window . He looked back at me , one nostril clogged with blood and the other with a white powdery residue . He had cough syrup in one hand and the remainder of the joint in the other hand . Looking back , my father was either suicidal or trying desperately to escape deep rooted pains . He told me that he didn 't want me to see him like that . He even apologized . That was the first and last time I ever heard him apologize for his conduct . I told him I loved him , reached up to hug him as he reached into the window to receive the hug and a soft peck on the cheek from me . He told me he loved me too and that I should go back down stairs with mommy before she came looking for me . I slowly walked towards the door and I remember thinking , is my daddy going to die . I looked back , told him to be careful and to come down soon . He said okay as I walked out the door , closing it behind me . His slight smile is still etched into the fabric of my memory . I want to at this very moment , wrap my arms around your abandoned heart . I want to squeeze you and embrace you and cover you with my pleading love for you . My heart cries for not being the father you need to protect and provide for you . There are no excuses for my failure of not being a father to you , and I cannot retract what I did , nor can I take back what I did not do but if I could , I most certainly would . I have carried you in my spirit since the day you were conceived . You are the greatest gift I have contributed to the world . I often felt I wasn 't good enough to be that strong figure in your life to teach you and show you the way a man is supposed to be . I was both present and absent from your life but it had nothing to do with your worth . You were and will always be the gem in my heart . God knew I wasn 't the best fit for a father at the time you were born , but he knew you were supposed to be here and he knew you were a beautiful soul , with the strength of a lion . He knew you would have the strength to pull through your circumstances and become who you were created to be in this world , without me . I know you yearn for me and will always yearn for me to be there throughout your life , but the truth is that God wouldn 't have put this on you if he didn 't already see that you would overcome this . You have carried this burden long enough and it is time for you to release all the pain I have caused you in not being there . I love you more than words could ever express . You are my heart and forever my baby girl . I pray that God gives you the strength to forgive me , for my failure as a man , so that you can let the anger and the pain diminish for the sake of freeing yourself . My prayer is and always will be that you know you are worth more than all the riches this world could ever offer . You are priceless , my little girl , the love of my life ; my heart will continue to love you throughout eternity . |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . Basically , I am wondering if anyone knows what happened to the show . It was on ABC , and it was supposed to be on for thirteen weeks , while we waited for new episodes of LOST . I really liked the show . After like five episodes , it was replaced by a couple of half hour comedies that I don 't think anyone is watching . I don 't think many of my readers watched the show , so I thought I 'd post it on the weekend when most of your aren 't reading anyway . Probably you 'd be more interested in the previous post about drunks . But , just in case , here it is . And I 've included the two comments from the other blog . ( the following was originally posted on another blog on November 18th ) I thought Wednesday night 's Daybreak was an excellent two hours of television . Unfortunately , the other people I would normally discuss such things with somehow managed to miss the show . I can 't understand why they didn 't watch it . It was great . Similar in some ways to Groundhog Day , the equally amusing Stargate episode Windows of Opportunity , and the more serious but lesser known 12 : 01 ( which I am told is quite different from the 12 : 01 short story , in which the main character keeps repeating the same hour ) ; it was a time loop story , in which the day keep repeating itself and only the main character knows it . In the first two hours of the series , the main character goes through the original day and three repeats . In the original day he saves a dumb pedestrian , gets framed for murder , finds out his brother - in - law is beating his sister , gets set up by his partner , gets arrested , watches his girlfriend and alibi get killed , is told that he will have to confess to the murder he 's accused of if he doesn 't want his family similarly killed , is beaten by thugs , and is then sedated . The first repeat of the day is very similar , except that he doesn 't save the pedestrian , he tries to warn a few people about what is going to happen but they don 't believe him , and he pushes his wife - beating brother - in - law into a glass display case . The third time around he doesn 't botherPosted by I have very little experience with people drinking at all . I don 't put up with much of it . If you have like one drink , and I think that we are going to stay wherever we are long enough that it will wear off before we leave , I probably won 't say anything . If you order another drink , I 'm probably going to ask if you are driving . That is , I 'm going to ask if you are driving if you didn 't already volunteer that information after that look I gave you . If you order another one after that , I 'm probably done talking to you anyway . But I rarely have that much of a problem even at the New Year 's Eve party or the Halloween party . And those last hours and hours , so possibly even three drinks would wear off . I 'm sorry if you think you need a few drinks to loosen up a bit . I 'm sorry that you can 't do a bit of the When Harry met Sally restaurant scene sober . Have you tried ? I have . I used to not be so strict . I still didn 't drink , but I didn 't bother other people much about the alcohol , if they planned ahead of time . I had a friend whose mother would let all the kids come to the house and drink , but if they had more than one drink they had to check with her before they left , and it was just assumed that most of them would be spending the night anyway . I used to think this was a great idea . I still think that this is a better idea than to just start drinking without a plan , but I am now very much in a just say no phase . So I used to go to this girl 's house , but I didn 't drink . After a few times , she asked me not to come anymore . My good influence was rubbing off on other people or something , cause they stopped drinking too , and she didn 't want to drink by herself . Anyway , I 've only had a few experiences with actual drunk people . Once was a drunk guy that hit my truck . Luckily , no one was in the truck at the time . The guy came in the store and said that he thought he had put a little dent in my door . The little dent was so big that it made it impossible to open the door . The cops came , found an a guy that was clearly driving drunk , whPosted by Okay , so either no one has read my last post yet , or everyone has read it and they 're just too polite to leave any " What the f * * * ? " kind of comments . I have no car today . The mechanic finally called back with a thousand dollar estimate . That was about three times what I was expecting , and I was really hoping it just needed a new hose or something and would be less . Anyway , I don 't even have a thousand dollars at the moment , so they are just going to do half of the repairs at the moment , so I can get an inspection sticker , and I 'll have to bring the car back later after I get another five hundred dollars . So I am stuck at home for the day . And it is too wet outside to garden , so I thought this would be the day that I finally get some housework done . But I feel a bit sick . Usually , I take a common over the counter medication , and I feel better in an hour or so . The last time I took this medication was during the spring break trip , and I can 't find any here , so I must have left them packed with the stuff that my husband took with him this week . So I should go to the drugstore and get some more . Did I mention that I don 't have a car today ? Plan B is to eat half a bag of cookies and hope for the best . Today I have advice for people trying to cook a fried egg and a side of of spaghetti . Fry the egg first and then make the spaghetti . Somehow it is less messy than doing it the other way round . And why would anyone want to cook a fried egg with a side of spaghetti ? I may have this plan to take over the world , but I do not have the answer for everything . This one was originally in another blog . A funny thing about that is that on the other blog the title was too long for the whole title to be listed on the previous blogs . So it said that When I take over the world , everyone will be a sin . . . . So , hopefully , when I take over the world , everyone will get the title right and not be a sin . Another thing is that I happened to write it on what would have been my dad 's 65th birthday . But never mind . Read on . And I have included the two comments from the original post ( the following was originally posted in another blog on Febuary 9th ) I was going to start a new blog to talk about how I would fix things if I had a magic wand . But I have several blogs already , and I 've hardly used this one at all . So I 'll just make the when I take over the world stuff a section of this blog . I wasn 't sure which of the take over the world posts to start with . Recently I read someone else 's blog , and she was talking about being a single mom . So I guess I 'll start with that . Every once in a while , I hear that someone has a plan to pay people to volunteer for a sterilization procedure . A mathematical formula would determine how much of a potential financial drain your future children would have on society . If you agreed to be sterilized instead of having these children , the government would pay you a percentage of the estimated tax money saved . Sounds great to me . I don 't want any kids anyway . If someone offered me a free and safe permanent method of birth - control , I 'd probably take it . If someone offered pay me to do it . . . wow . Of course , I like to think that my high I . Q . would prevent me from being paid much money . On the other hand , my low personal income would also be factored in , and the two would probably cancel each other out . But if I 'm offered any amount of money before I 'm too old to have children , I 'm going to take it . Not that it will ever happen . I like the idea , but everyone else seems to hate it . And I really don 't get most of the arguments . Like a bunch of poor people will go and have thePosted by Well , I do not have anything particularly interesting to talk about today . I did not have to console a friend after a break - up like Rachel , I did not take an exciting trip like Playtah , and I did not discover the secret to life and the universe and everything is popping bubble - wrap like David . On the other hand , I have three new readers since spring break , so I should probably write something . Welcome new readers . Okay . I think for a while I will alternate the new stuff with the stuff that I 'm bringing over from the other blog . So here is the new stuff . I am waiting to see if I 'm going to get some bad news . While I waiting to see if I get some bad news , I am also waiting to see if I get some other bad news . And right now at this very moment , I am waiting for the mechanic to call and tell me how much it is going to cost me to get the car fixed up to get a state inspection sticker . So pretty much the high points of my week have been watching TV , and today finding out that only four people were in line ahead of me to get a new license plate . At school the ceramics instructor decided that we were going to put glaze on the white tiles instead of underglaze . And this he tells me right when I 'm putting on the underglaze . But that 's okay , cause I like my tile and this gives me an excuse to make another one at the school 's expense . Still , I need to finish something that actually counts towards my grade soon , and this isn 't helping . The next post will probably be one from the other blog . Today , one of my new readers wrote in her blog about being a mom , so I think I have something that would go with that , though I have totally different opinions on the subject . Most of this post is transferred from another blog . It is stuff about Battlestar Galactica . Most of it doesn 't matter now , cause we pretty much learned the identities of the other Cylons on Sunday , but I thought I 'd post it anyway . ( the following was originally posted on November 17th ) Carl Lumbly on Battlestar GalacticaDid anybody notice that doctor declared Bulldog was not a Cylon based on the fact that his DNA profile was the same as the one on record from three years ago ? Doesn 't really prove that he 's not a Cylon , does it ? Not that he is a Cylon . It 's very unlikely that he 's a Cylon . It 's very unlikely that a Cylon spy just happens to be the pilot that got that particular black ops mission . If the Cylons deliberately sent him to get a mission like that , the odds of him actually being chosen for the mission have to be extremely small . But the DNA profile just proves that he 's either the same man that left three years ago , who may or may not have been a Cylon , or that he 's one of the copies of the same model Cylon , if he was a Cylon , right ? I didn 't see anything to suggest that the story is going to go that way , but when the doc first said that , I 'm like - - hey , that doesn 't prove anything , so why 'd he 'd say that ? Something is up with that . He wouldn 't have said that just to being saying that . But , everyone has not read the same books on writing that I have , so maybe he did say that just to be saying that . Anybody think that we 're descended from the Cylons or Sharron 's baby instead of the thirteenth colony or people from the fleet ? ( the following was originally posted on January 14th on another blog ) BSG discussionNot much to say about last week . Except that I went to dinner with some friends , who were swearing a lot because Battlestar Galactica is moving to Sundays . Then someone made a rude joke about Caprica Six . He said she should have named Caprica Five . You figure it out . That was followed by someone deciding what the remaining five Cylons were called . I 'm not going to explain that one either . ( the following was originallPosted by ( most of this was originally posted on December 14th in another blog ) Cabinboy has not posted anything since September . I know that it is none of my business . He 's a grown man , and it 's a free country , and he 's allowed to stop blogging any time that he wants to . I just wonder what happened to him , that 's all . It 's not like he said he wasn 't going to blog anymore . That would be nice , if people would leave a note saying that they 're too busy to deal with the blog for the next year or so . But I guess they rarely do that . Just one day he didn 't blog for a while , and then his next post was about his dog dying . And then the post about the dog was removed , and then nothing . His mom hasn 't posted anything on her blog since then either . It 's silly to think that anything happened to them . It 's silly to be concerned about people I have never even met . I should get over it . I wonder what happened to Cabinbabe too . Happy Holidays , wherever you are . ( the following is new material ) Wonder what happened to Elranito ? That 's why I originally started writing to many of you . I hit the next blog button and found Elranito . Started reading Anon 1 . Starting talking to Rachel . Starting talking to David and some other old guy who reads Heinlein , and one of them ( can 't remember which ) refered to me as " one of Anon 's harem . " Anyway , the guy was blogging for about two months . He was debating about whether or not he should move back to Miami . Then something happened to his computer . Then he got a new computer and said how much he loved Sony , and that was the last blog post . Does anyone know if he moved back to Miami or if he 's okay and all of that ? Maybe if he moved back to Miami he has such a busy social calender that he no longer has time for blogging . Hope that it is something nice like that , and not that he was killed in a terrible car crash trying to drive on the ice in the great white north . First I would like to say hello and welcome to a new reader . I stopped by your blog as well , but didn 't really have any interesting comments that applied to anything . Just that I was confused for a moment and thought that Mr . Giggles was a cat . Guess I was reading too fast . Anyway , over at eclectic spaghetti blog we were nominating ideas for silly holidays . One of them was write your blog like you live in a soap opera day , which is not really a special day thing here , since the blog started because of the little soap opera going on here because of the homewrecking - slut . So I was thinking that maybe I have done a bit too much whining and such this month . I 've decided that I 'm going to transfer some of the posts from another blog here . I don 't think that anyone reads that blog . So far the only comments I 've gotten were from my husband and someone who was already reading this blog . Originally , I had planned to do just the opposite . I had planned to transfer all the non - Bimbo related stuff to the other blog , where people would not be put off by my name . But since most of my readers are here , and there are fewer posts over there , moving stuff here seems a better idea . A lot of that stuff at the other blog was written in December . While I don 't think it is a problem to buy Christmas presents in March or have Halloween decorations out in April , I just thought I 'd mention that the seasonal stuff I wrote about was actually written during the appropriate season . Okay , on with the show . A while back , a friend of mine from the great white north noticed that I had both a " stupid people " post label and an " idiot bloggers " post label . He wondered if maybe I should have an category about intelligent people . I should at least have a " nice bloggers " label . Today is the 27th of March , and if I am not mistaken , Playtah is spending the day in Minnapolis . She is going to audition for Last Comic Standing . Everyone wish Playtah luck . There . My first " nice bloggers " post . The whole month of March is not totally about morons after all . Good luck Playtah . Knock ' em dead , or whatever it is that you are supposed to do at an audition . My husband 's boss just called looking for him . Today 's schedule has been canceled . I skipped church yesterday so we could go and do stuff , cause he only had the one day off and was going to be out of town for a week . Now they 're saying that they don 't even need him today . That would have been nice to know yesterday , or even two hours ago before he left . Probably should save the rest of this for next Monday . As some of you may know , I recently went out of town the week of spring break . I wanted to rest and spend some time with my husband . I should have been home catching up on housework and doing stuff in the garden , but I decided that other things were more important . While I was gone , I missed two small sci - fi conventions that were in my area the weekend of the 16th . I wanted to go to both of them , but besides the fact that I also wanted to go out of town and rest , I also did not have a lot of money and did not want to be tempted to buy autographs and such . Most of my friends went to one of them , and they had a blast even if they didn 't spend money on autographs and such . Our little group even had a private room , and some of the actors stopped by . Can 't get much better than having the actors in your private room . But I didn 't write this post to say I was a moron for not going to the convention . I did not have a perfect week away , but if I hadn 't gone I think I would have regretted it . And I did not write this post to call my fellow get - a - lifers morons either . I wrote this post to complain about the people who organize the conventions . What were they thinking , organizing two convention on the same weekend ? I personally don 't think that there is enough stuff like that to do in the area , and then there are two things the same weekend ? You 'd think that one of them would here about the other one and reschedule . Unless maybe one of them did that on purpose . I don 't really think that was the case this time . I think that this is the third year for All - Con , and they are trying to make this an annual thing , and you want to try to have your annual thing on the same weekend every year . I did not go to the first one , but I went last year . As for the comic con , those happen fairly often , and I think that the guy running that show either picks a day when he can get a good deal at the convention center , or on a day that he thinks he 'll get most of the talent he 's interested in signing . In my opinion , All - Con was not promoted very well thiPosted by You think you know what is weed is , don 't you ? Well , if you 're not into gardening , maybe you don 't . It isn 't a particular kind of plant . A weed is a plant that was not cultivated and you do not want . Or , at least , you do not want where it is growing . In theory , a rose bush could be a weed , or a tomato plant could be a weed , or a sunflower could be a weed . In theory , a dandelion could be cultivated . In my yard , pecan tree seedlings are a common weed . Except for the very tall tree that was already there when I moved in , I do not want any pecan trees . I did not plant them . However , they did not accidentally appear in the pots with my pepper plants and next to my tomato plants . The squirrels did that for me . It was easier for them to put the pecans there , since I had already done most of the work . Mulberry is also a common weed here . Many people find that the fruitless tree grows into a desirable shade tree , but most people do not actually like mulberry fruit and do not want fruiting trees . Birds eat mulberries , so someone who watches birds might want one , but the birds never eat all of the fruit , and the leftover rotting fruit on the ground smells horrible . It doesn 't smell much worse than say , leftover rotting peaches or pears , but people eat those , so they like those trees better . I kind of like mulberries myself , so I 've decided to keep one of this " weeds " in a large pot . If I can keep it small , the birds and I should be able to prevent the fruit from rotting . So that one little mulberry tree growing in the pot is technically not a weed , but a volunteer . A plant that you did not intentionally grow that you like , or at least , that you don 't dislike , is a volunteer . Unless it is growing in the wrong place . Sometimes you have to transplant volunteers to keep them from becoming weeds . I have recently found a clump of " weeds " that turned out to be cilantro . I like cilantro . I like herbs in general , even though I rarely cook with those that I am able to grow . But I frequently buy cilantro to cook with , and maybe if I can gePosted by We didn 't have to buy as much stuff for this ceramics class as I did for the one I took in 2004 . We 've only been asked to buy about half as much clay and a basic tool kit . We didn 't have to buy mallets or paddles or paint brushes . We didn 't have to pay for the plaster . ( I did , but I wanted extra . ) We haven 't been asked to bring plywood or buy glaze or anything . We 're even encouraged to pair off and buy the occasional bag of clay together and split it . I don 't do that , because I want to do extra projects , but it 's nice to have that option . The instructor has given us clay for three of our tiles , just because he thought it was pointless to have us buy a lot of clay when one or two bags could be divided up between the whole class . He didn 't even collect a dollar from everyone to pay for it , he just found some way to get the school to buy it . There 's even a whole table of underglazes that we can use if we have to paint anything . So it 's really nice that there is all this free stuff and they 've tried to keep the costs down and all of that . But occasionally there is something that really gets on my nerves . And today I really hate the wedging table . If you don 't know what a wedging table is , it 's this table with a plaster top that is covered with canvas . You knead the clay on this . And you cut your clay in half , stick it back together , hold it over your head , and then throw it back down on the table and listen to it make a loud " splat " sound . Then you do it again . In theory , the clay doesn 't stick to the table . Well , a little bit of it does stick to the canvas , and you 're supposed to clean it up a bit after you use it . But there is still always a little bit left even after that . So you are supposed to work with the white clays on one side of the table , and the darker clays on the other side of the table . That way the white clay doesn 't get stained with little tiny bits of darker clay on the canvas . And , since we haven 't got any other place to do this , the wedging table is also where we leave newly mixed clay that is too wetPosted by My husband liked to go to estate sales and garage sales and thrift stores . Since I 've been married , this has been my habit as well . Not a week goes by that we don 't at least go to a Half - Price Books store , and usually we manage to shop at a Goodwill or Thriftown . Even when we go out of town we usually stop at a Goodwill . Always I see some odd thing that is either a really good deal on something common , or an okay deal on something uncommon . And I think that I should buy whatever it is , just in case . I don 't need the thing now , but if I don 't buy it now , I 'll need something just like it in a month or so . But in a month or so the things will be gone , so if I really want it I have to buy it right now . So I accumulated a lot of stuff . Some of it I didn 't need after all . Some of it I did need , but when I needed it I couldn 't find the one I got the good deal on , so I ended up buying another one . Some of it might have been useful , but it was damaged in a flood or when we moved or something . Some of it I forgot why I bought it and never did anything with it . I try not to buy stuff like that anymore . I try to only buy things that are a really good deal that I know for sure I will use , or things that are really unique that I can 't just go and buy later when it is more convenient . This year I bought a Dickel bottle ( Saurian brandy from Star Trek ) . I can 't really regret buying something like that . I don 't think that they 've made the things in the last thirty years . But other things I am trying to cut back on . Like books . I can 't seem to stop buying books . But I am at least not buying so many . I have bought books that I have never read and have not even opened since the day I bought them , which goes as far back as 2001 at least . But still there are dumb things that I remember seeing for a good deal that I did not buy . And sometimes I regret it a few days later . But the really odd thing is that I will sometimes remember something being on sale that I didn 't want at the time , and years later I still remember the sale , and years latePosted by I am just sort of ticked off about everything today . Yesterday I went to the evening ceramics class . On the way there I went looking for yarn . I went to four different stores . I cannot find the particular ugly green yarn that I used on the currently 26 foot long Dr . Who scarf . I usually use Red Heart , medium thyme color . But I didn 't have any when I started this scarf , and they didn 't have any at the Walmarts I went to that day . But they did have a display of a different brand yarn , camouflage colors , and I bought three skeins of this solid green color . I can 't find a wrapper , so I don 't know what the official name of the color is , but it 's this army green color . Since they had it at Walmart , I didn 't think it would be hard to find . I have since been to four other Walmarts , and they don 't have any . I have now also been to JoAnns 's , Michaels , and Hobby Lobby . They all carry that brand yarn , and they even have the camouflage line , but they don 't have that solid green color . I have now run out of places to look for the yarn . I guess that I 'm going to have to switch back to the medium thyme color . Not that I wasn 't going to switch back eventually . This brand of yarn is a bit more expensive than the Red Heart . But I at least wanted all the yarn in the same scarf to match . Tuesday night , I meant to write this funny post about going to the clinic . But somehow writing it just made me unhappy about the whole thing again . I 'm unhappy with them for some other reasons too , which I won 't go into that much . But there are all these tests that they require you to take , and I don 't really see the point of all of them . Still , you try to be a grown - up about it and do what they say . But if you ask for an extra test , they tell you that they don 't do that until you have a " problem . " And I don 't get that . I can see that they should insist certain people have an extra test or two , if there is a " problem , " but I don 't understand why they would refuse to give someone a test if they asked for it . Tell them that it probably isn 't necessary , suPosted by Someone told me that there was something in the Bimbo 's blog about her f * * * * * * another married man and ruining his life even before we had ever heard of her . So much for her not going after married men . ( She says that . She made a big deal about she didn 't go after married men , that he was the first . Somehow the fact that she was after my married man didn 't count . What ? You 're not a homewreckingslut if you only wreck one home ? ) Anyway , I have read the post in question , and I don 't see anywhere that she says he was married . But whatever was going on , she did f * * * someone when she knew that she shouldn 't , and it did really upset the guy . Ruining his life was mentioned . And again with the she has no regrets . She 's determined not to regret anything , so of course she 'll never learn from her mistakes . ( If you can even call such a thing a mistake after you 've very clearly thought about it and knew it was a bad idea , and then did it anyway . I tend to think a mistake is something that is almost an accident or something you did without giving it any thought . ) But whatever . I 'm not up to reading through the whole thing again at this point to find out how she ruined the man 's life or if he was actually married . But , yes , she 's totally into ruining people 's lives , not just mine . She supposedly feels bad that she hurts people , but if it is something she wants to do she does it anyway . But never mind about her . The really funny thing is about her friend . The one that doesn 't seem so much into hurting people and destroying marriages and ruining lives , but is really into some strange sex stuff . For the most part , she seems much smarter than the Bimbo . And she doesn 't have anything to do with married men . I am not sure if this is a moral stand , or if she 's done that in the past and got hurt , or if she just doesn 't think married men are worth the effort . All of that and more are good reasons not to get involved with married men , and she doesn 't . But she wrote the funniest thing a while back . She said that she wished she had fewer hangups Posted by Okay . Today is the dreaded day , but I 'm a grown woman and this is going to be no big deal . One of life 's little annoyances . I get it over with today , hopefully get a clean bill of health , and another year 's supply of birth control pills and things of that nature . I don 't waste time talking to a friend at school . It would have been a good day to have a nice long chat , but no , I have a schedule to keep . I left at 11 : 30 and got on a freeway that I rarely use , because the exam is three towns away from the college . At 12 : 00 I got off of the freeway . At 12 : 05 I buy a taco and a large Coke . I don 't really need the calories in the large Coke , but I deserve something with lots of sugar to make up for the rest of this awful day . At 12 : 45 I am at the clinic . Perfect timing . There 's usually a form to fill out , and my appointment is at 1 : 00 . I sign in and take a seat . At 1 : 05 a woman is trying to get her little girl to behave . The little girl keeps going to get magazines for people who don 't want them . I 'd like a magazine . She brings me a phone book . Nice . At 1 : 35 not only has my name not been called , but they haven 't given me any forms to fill out . There are usually forms to fill out . Did they forget about me ? At 1 : 40 the receptionist tells me that I do not need to fill out any forms because I was there for something else a few months ago , and those forms only need to be filled out once a year . And I 'll be the next one called . Okay . At 2 : 15 my name is finally called . Come this way , please . Could you step on the scale , please . Could you give us a urine sample ? Okay . 2 : 20 - - Thank you . Could you please go to the next room and have a seat on the blue chair ? Thank you . Now , could you look this over and tell us if there have been any changes since your last visit ? Thank you . Now if you 'll roll up your sleeve we 'll get your blood pressure . Thank you . Now if you 'll disrobe and put this on with the opening in front and put this over your legs , the doctor will be with you shortly . Thank you . 2 : 40 - - Thank you for waiting . Your blood pressure seems Posted by So I 'd like to talk a bit about this last trip specifically , and then a bit about travel in general . So we were off to spend a few days in the middle of nowhere Texas , near a lake , and very near the Louisiana border . The week before we left , my husband had talked to a few people about where we were going and whether or not there would be a good motel in town and stuff like that . Several of the people had been to this little town before . He was told not to worry about that . There was a motel . No one seemed to remember the name of it , but it used to be a Super 8 . I do not quite understand why people say stuff like that . If we 've never been there before , we don 't know where the Super 8 used to be . Now , maybe I lived down the street from a motel that used to be a Ramada Inn , but telling someone from out of town to go to the old Ramada Inn just doesn 't help , unless the out of state person used to live near me about two years ago and happens to remember where the Ramada Inn was . Or maybe a person has visited the place so often that he knows where the Ramada used to be . But mostly , it seems like a dumb thing to say , but people say stuff like that a lot . My husband once had to work at a mall and was told to set up in the space that used to be the San Fransisco Music Box Company . After they take the sign down , how are you supposed to know which space used to be the San Fransisco Music Box Company ? Another time my husband had to set up photography equipment at a clubhouse that we were told was " down the street from the Rock Shop " but not to worry about it , cause everyone knows where it is . Well , first , we don 't know where the clubhouse is and we don 't know where the Rock Shop is , or we wouldn 't be asking . And everyone going to this event is not a member of your club , so maybe they don 't know where your clubhouse is , and maybe they don 't know where the Rock Shop is either . So we were driving out in middle of nowhere Texas , looking for what used to be a Super 8 . The mapquest directions were very bad , and at some point we were suppPosted by My husband got off work early yesterday , so we came home . I hated to waste the money , since we 'd already paid for the room for the night , but it wasn 't that great of a room and we didn 't have any plans in the area for this morning , so we left . And , even though we stopped and had dinner with the only one in his family he is still speaking to , we still got home before dark . Not that I got much sleep . I forgot to take a pill . Somehow , part of me must realize that I forgot to take it , because I never seem to get enough sleep when that happens . But usually , it is not a big deal . I finally realize I forgot to take something , and I either go to the kitchen or the bathroom for a drink of water and take the pill and go back to bed . But tonight I realized I forgot to take something , and the medications were packed in a bag that I 'd taken on the trip . And the bag did not turn up in the pile of stuff dumped in the living room , so I had to get dressed to go out and get the bag out of the car . So by the time I did all of that I was pretty much awake and not going back to sleep any time soon . But it is still better to have insomnia in my own home . At least here I can play with the computer . As some of you might have guessed , I have been away for the week , and I did not have Internet access . I did get to take my knitting machine , which is actually a lot like packing a big screen TV . When it is put together , the knitting machine is 39 inches long . Rather than risk damaging it , I do not take the thing apart . If I have to put it away or move it somewhere , the box I keep it in is 44 inches long , about 20 inches wide , and about 7 inches deep . To make room for it , I packed clothes in the smallest bag I could find and we took out the Coleman electric cooler . Since I didn 't cook anything to take on the trip , and we hoped to have refrigerators at the motels , we didn 't really need the cooler . I hadn 't really made arrangements to have my mail picked up and stuff like that , but my brother lives across the field , so I didn 't think it would be a Posted by This is the anniversary of the when the trouble started , but I didn 't know that at the time . Or , I guess I should say , when the real trouble started . There were problems before that , but March 11th was the day that the Homewrecking - slut decided that she would seriously go after my husband . My husband had left a comment on her blog , and his email address . I can 't believe that he meant any harm by it , but she took it to mean that he wanted her . So she had to think about it for a longtime ( 2 days ) , and then she decided it was okay . He tried to correct her , told her that he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me , and that he wouldn 't even be talking to her if he there was anyway that they would ever meet in real life . Her second email invited him to come to London and f * * * her in the a * * . I don 't know what was said during the next few days , other than she must have promised him all kinds of sex . They can 't have had any meaningful conversations . They can 't have talked about anything that decent people discuss . I 'm sure that they were all about sex , and I 'm sure he didn 't really care anything for her then . He erased all of those emails right away . If they were about the important things in life , if this was really someone he cared about , he would have kept the emails . But he kept very few of those , so I can only imagine want they said . And even the earliest ones that he kept for a while were all about f * * * ing . Before a week was up she sent him nude photos and a close - up of her butt . But I do know that in that first week she invited him to move in with her , in London . My husband is quite obsessed with London . He is also quite fond of a movie called " Same Time Next Year " , and before he decided that her emails were something he should keep she had not only agreed to reenact this movie with him , she offered to pay for it as well . What kind of disgusting creature offers to pay thousands of dollars to get a married man to cheat on his wife ? What can possibly be in it for her to do something so vile to another human Posted by It 's official now . Spring break is here . Though my class ended at about 11 : 30 am on Thursday , other classes were still going on Friday and Saturday , and I went to the Saturday until about two . The instructor wanted to leave earlier than that , but he doesn 't chase me away if he has to stay for some reason , and despite his best efforts another student had to stay even later than that . I divided up a 50 pound bag of plaster today . So that made a bit of a mess . I meant to cast three tiles today , but the third one still needs some work , and casting the first one took longer than I expected . I was mixing plaster , and I got some of it on my shirt . I was standing right next to the sink anyway , so I tried to clean up a bit . So then I go back to the plaster , and it sets up while I 'm in the middle of pouring it . So not only is that cast not near as good as the other one , but it took more than an hour to clean out dried plaster so that the next person could use the equipment . The next batch of plaster I probably poured too soon , but I didn 't want the same thing to happen a second time . It looks alright , and it will have all week to dry out anyway . Next , I put slip on one of the vases , and that didn 't go as well as I hoped either . Mostly , I just painted little squiggly lines , but I would have liked them to be more uniform . They got progressively bigger , but I didn 't notice how far off they were from the first one until I got back around to the beginning . The main design in the center looks good , but the sides are off . I guess it doesn 't matter . It wasn 't the most symmetrical vase to start with . It will be a good test of the process anyway . Damn . I meant to bring home the box . We 're supposed to sand it , and I figured that there was nothing special about the sandpaper in the lab , so maybe I 'd get away with at least doing that at home . Not that I 'm actually supposed to be at home . My husband has wanted me to go with him on the last few trips , and I 've put him off . I almost went this week . I probably would have gone , but then I remembPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
Today was a rough day for Pittsburgh Steelers football fans . The Steelers have struggled all season , losing their first four games , before recovering and winning 6 of their final 8 to finish the season with a . 500 record , at 8 - 8 . They were never really in the hunt for the playoffs , and it was hard to stay excited about them during the season . I tend to get a little too involved in the team 's wins and losses . I 'm what you would call a die - hard fan . When the Steelers win , it can make my weekend . When the lose , it puts me in a funk . I take it all much too seriously . So the Steelers started to get their season on track and they were winning games . Coming into the last two games , the Steelers were still longshots to make the playoffs . There were , like , 18 things that had to happen with other teams to keep them in the hunt . Wouldn 't you know it , but everything that had to happen began to happen , and the stars aligned . Going into today 's games , the Steelers still needed a lot of help . They needed to win their game versus their long - time rivals , the Cleveland Browns . The Steelers have played well against the Browns , especially when playing at home , so it was looking good for that game . The Steelers also needed the Baltimore Ravens , Miami Dolphins , and San Diego Chargers to lose , which would make them all tied at 8 - 8 , and the Steelers would get into the playoffs with the tie - breaker . It was still a longshot . Miami was playing a home game against the New York Jets . It they won , they were in . But the Jets played well and took the game , eliminating Miami . The Ravens were playing at the division rival Cincinnati Bengals , and with the way the Ravens had been playing recently , this would be a tough game for them . And , sure enough , the Bengals , after letting it stay close early , ran away with it . It all came down to the San Diego Chargers versus the Kansas City Chiefs . If the Chargers won , they were in the playoffs . If they the Chiefs won , the Steelers would be in . The Chargers were at home , where they had played well . The Chiefs had already qualified for the playoffs , and Coach Andy Reid elected to rest a majority of his starters , including their quarterback and running back . They seemed to be resigned to the fact that the game didn 't mean anything to them , win or lose . It didn 't look good for the Steelers . But the game still had to be played , and it was a nail - biter . The Chargers fell behind unexpectedly and were losing 24 - 14 in the 4th quarter . They seemed to get some momentum , though , and were able to tie it with just a few minutes left . The Chiefs moved the ball up the field , and were inside the 20 yard line with only a few seconds left in the game . A field goal would win it , and allow the Steelers to make it into the playoffs . The Chiefs kicker , Ryan Succop , was a fairly decent kicker , too , so this would be an easy kick . But it wasn 't meant to be . The kick went up and missed by mere inches . The game went into overtime , where the Chargers went right down the field and kicked a field goal , then stopped the Chiefs from scoring to win the game and go to the playoffs ! The Steelers were eliminated . It was a heartbreaking end to the season . I had long ago lost any hope of the Steelers making the playoffs , but the recent success had rejuvenated my interest . Given how everything had aligned for them over the last few weeks , I really thought they might make it . But it didn 't happen . Now it 's college basketball season , and I have to change my focus from the Steelers to my Maryland Terrapins . The men 's team still looks to be struggling , but the women 's team is awesome once again , and there are high hopes for big success this season . Hopefully it will be better than the Steelers . I really hate how seriously I take my sports teams , and their successes and failures are taken to heart . They literally affect my mood and will create a stress I do not need in my life , given the fact that I 'm already stressed from work and other life events . Sports are meant to be a fun and enjoyable diversion . But I can 't help it . I just take it too seriously . And I wouldn 't change a thing . I 've always been intrigued by nicknames , and how people get them and how they stick . Sometimes they start out as , say , pet names between couples , or maybe from grade school . Some come from early childhood , and may have come about when they were a baby . Maybe it 's a play on their name , first or last , or something that they do . Whatever it is , I think nicknames are pretty cool . When I and my siblings were kids , my father always gave us nicknames . Unfortunately , sometimes they stuck , and were used for years within our family , though they seldom spread beyond the family . My uncle started calling me Eric " Von Zipper " , after a character who appeared in the Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello beach movies from the 60s . Apparently , he was a bit of a doofus who wore a leather jacket and rode a motorcycle . The only connection is our first name , Eric . That morphed into my dad calling me " Z " , short for Zipper , and sometimes " Z - bar " or " Z - bar - boy " . My brother got it a little worse , though . For whatever reason , we started calling him " Paco " . I really don 't know why . His actual name is Darren . As he got older , I started calling him " Kiddo " , and it stuck , at least as far as I 'm concerned , and I call him that to this day . I guess Dad really liked nicknames , since he had such a large family ( he 's one of eight siblings ) and they all called each other different names . Dad was " Ferd " , a spin on our last name . As a William , he was , naturally , called " Bill " , or " Billy " . He and Mom called each other " Borky " and " Buckwheat " , after the Little Rascals characters . My grandfather became " Pap " , and I called him " Pap Pap Hair " , since he was a barber , when I was a kid . After becoming grandfathers themselves , my father and all of his brothers became " Paps " , too , or " Pap Pap " . I called my cousin , Jeff , " Fuff " , when I was a little kid . My cousin , Jimmy , was " Jimbo " , which I know he hated . Mom , whose name is Gwendolyn , or Gwen , was called " Gwenzie " when she was a kid . Having the last name Freed makes for an easy nickname . My boss at work calls me " Freed " all the time , especially when he 's not happy , which is all the time . He 's also known to call me " Freebird " or " Freburg " . My wife started calling me " Bubba " after we got married . I don 't know why , and she didn 't even know why , but it stuck , and became my pet name . I called her " My Dear " . I didn 't have anything else that could really qualify as a nickname . However , her family gave her the nickname " T2 " when her cousin , Josh , was a little kid . He couldn 't pronounce " Teresa " , and it came out as " Teretoo " , or , shortened , " T2 " . Her uncle called her that for years ( and referred to himself as " U1 " ) . I adopted T2 for Teresa , but I never called her that except in writing . Uncle Jerry calls me " E1 " . A few of my employees call me " E " , which I kind of like . My current boss refers to me as " E " , as well , among a lot of other names , like " Dr . Freed " and " Good Eric " ( there 's another Eric who is " Bad Eric " , of course ) . My daughter , Melody , was saddled with " Babe " , which is what I called her when she was a baby , and it stuck . You might think she would get the name " Mel " , or " Melly " , but neither name stuck . She 's still Babe within the family . We tried to make things easy on my daughter when she was little , and we called my sister " Aunt G " based on her real name , Angie . Angie loves it ! My brother , Darren , became Uncle D . I call Angie " Ang " . Angie is also short for Angenette , her actual name . Even our pets end up getting nicknames , even when their actual names are almost nicknames themselves . Faithful Pup Scout is nicknamed " Puppy " , or " Scouter " , or even " Little Pup " . My sister 's cat , Sam , was called " Sammy " , or , as I called him , " Sammy Claws " . Some nicknames are better than others , but they sure are fun . I 'm glad to have a couple that I like , though there are just as many that are really bad . Then there 's this one , about a lost dog : 3 legs , blind in one eye , missing right ear , tail broken , recently castrated . . . answers to the name , " Lucky " . I received the most wonderful gift on Christmas Eve . It was a complete surprise to me , and my daughter is the one who surprised me . Melody had been staying with my in - laws since Sunday night . On Christmas Eve , I planned to go to the Candlelight service at my in - laws church , First Baptist of Damascus . It was a long drive from our house , and I was running just a bit late . When I arrived , the service had already begun . My family was all in attendance and they saved me a seat in the front row . It 's not a big church , but there were about 150 people in attendance . I sat with Melody and we enjoyed the service and my father - in - law 's message . As the service was getting ready to end , Melody walked up to the stage and picked up a microphone . I was confused at first , and then the music started . My little girl began singing " Happy Birthday Jesus " . It was sung beautifully and in tune , and I was just blown away ! She had never done anything like this . I was a proud dad , and the tears came easily . In fact , many around me were crying . It was awesome ! When she finished , she came right over to me with a big smile on her face . She knew she had surprised me . I gave her a big hug , my father - in - law gave the benediction , and we celebrated . It was the best present ever ! I hope you all had a wonderful , enjoyable , blessed Christmas ! Oh , I 'm smitten . Again . I know better than to get all carried away about such things , but I feel like I 'm a pretty good judge of character , and this young lady is quite a wonderful character . I found her blog by accident , and discovered that we have something in common : we 're both diabetics , though she 's a type 1 and I 'm a type 2 . There is a difference , and I hope you 'll seek to discover the differences , as education about diabetes is a good idea for everyone , given how common it has become . Anyway , I discovered this young lady , whose name is Kerri Marrone Sparling , through YouTube , where I found a link to her blog , Six Until Me , and I 've followed her for a little while now . You can find her blog here . Let me set the record straight , though , and emphasize that , not only am I at least a full decade older than she , Kerri is also married , and a mom , and I 'm guessing she 's very happy in both roles . And so , as much as I admire her , that admiration is strictly of the professional kind . She is outspoken about diabetes , particularly how it has impacted her own life , and provides advice about living as a type 1 diabetic . I am amazed by how much she reminds me of my deceased wife , though . She has that extroverted nature that I find so attractive , but she also speaks confidently , intelligently , humorously , and unashamedly . She is a beautiful , witty , young lady . I can 't help but be enamored by her , and I apologize if I 've allowed this to distract me from her message . I also hope this doesn 't paint me as some weirdo . Mrs . Sparling just seems to have the personal qualities of the type of woman that I find attractive , and I can point to her and say to my friends , " That 's the type of woman I 'm looking for ! " I hope she accepts that as the compliment it was meant to be . With that said , however , I am happy to have her as an advocate for a cause that means quite a bit to me . I 've shared this story on the blog before , but I 'll briefly recant it again . Just over two years ago , I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes . I had all of the typical signs leading up to this diagnosis , including unquenchable thirst , frequent urination , blurred vision , occasional confusion , immense fatigue . . . and I had no idea why . I finally made an appointment with my doctor . The night before , I celebrated my brother 's birthday with our family , and had a large slice of birthday cake , with plenty of icing . The next morning , I went to see my doctor , and he was pretty quick with a diagnosis before proceeding with blood work . He said it sounded like diabetes . He gave me some literature on the subject , and said he 'd check in with me as soon as he got the results of the blood work . The next day was Sunday , so he called me early on Monday morning and said he wanted to see me right away . He said that my blood - sugar was extremely high : 750 ! Normal was right around 100 . He was afraid for me . He checked my blood - sugar , and I was at about 300 , so at least I was going in the right direction . He put me on insulin immediately , and I got a quick education on giving myself shots . Both of my grandfathers had been diabetics , so I was somewhat familiar with the process , but the fact that I was diagnosed in my early 40s versus my grandfathers ( both were in their 60s ) concerned me . It meant a drastic change in behavior . I mentioned last week that I went to a sleep study clinic , and received the results this morning : I have severe sleep apnea . During the 350 some minutes I slept during the test , I stopped breathing 449 times . That 's more than once each minute , which really scared me . I will get fitted with a CPAP machine next week , which is the first step towards improving my sleep issues . The sleep apnea is connected to my weight , particularly around my neck and throat . I 'm quite a mess . Anyway , I think Mrs . Sparling is a wonderful speaker . I 'm sure she 's a wonderful person , as well , though that is only my impression . ( I 'm secretly hoping she has an unmarried sister . . . . ) . I like to take this opportunity to wish her and her family , as well as you , my readers , a Merry Christmas . We slept late this morning , mostly because of the sleep issues I 'm battling , but also because we were up late last night , so even though we wanted to get an early start on finishing our Christmas shopping , our extra sleep was necessary . Once we got going , though , we had a very busy day . I 'm not much of a shopper . Frankly , I hate it . But I do love Christmas shopping . I find it to be a blast trying to find that perfect gift . And we found a lot of perfect gifts today ! We hit Hobby Lobby , where we found a boatload of those metal signs reproduced from the 50s . We found picture frames for my daughter 's school pictures , which is an annual favorite gift , particularly for the grandparents . We also stopped at the " cheap " store for gifts , Big Lots ! The home of $ 5 watches and $ 10 jewelry provides plenty of stocking stuffers , as well as affordable gifts my daughter can buy for the entire family . We cleaned house ! Aside from the ridiculous amount of traffic in the area around the shopping center , it was a fun trip . The weather , with temps well into the upper 60s , allowed us to spend time with the top down on our little car today , as well . Even though we drove the wrong vehicle today , which meant stuffing the car with more stuff than it was meant to hold , it was worth it for a taste of the warm weather . For many years , longer than I 've known them , my in - law 's family has exchanged a gag gift that has made the rounds to just about every family member at one time or another . It was lost for a few years , then popped up again . It landed in my lap last year . It 's a pair of boxer shorts . I 'm pretty sure everyone has forgotten that I got them . It was a gift I received from my mother - in - law ( and I can 't believe she ended up with them prior to me getting them ) . So upon digging them up the other day and my daughter asking questions about them , I let her in on my plan . I figured it was time for Uncle Jerry to get the shorts . But we were going to make it noticeable and memorable . We got a very large box , one of those that was about 3x3x3 , and filled it with crumbled newspaper . Then we hid the boxers in an empty box of Fruity Pebbles and buried them in the newspapers . Then we wrapped the big box and applied stickers saying , " Fragile " , " Made in Italy " , " Do not open until 12 / 22 at 7 p . m . " , " No peeking " , and " Santa 's watching ! " We also addressed it to Jerry , and placed a huge red bow on it . Once we got it prepared , we took a little trip over to Uncle Jerry 's house . It isn 't hard to find . Jerry does a fine impression of Clark Griswold . I 'd hate to see his electric bill this time of year . . . Our plan was to take the box and leave it on their front porch , where they 'll likely find it tomorrow morning . We parked across the street , and waited a few minutes to make sure no one came to the window . The house seemed quiet , aside from all of the bling outside . I got out and opened the back of our Jeep , pulled out the box , and ran it up their driveway toward the front porch . They had a spotlight shining on the front of their house , and as I crossed in front of it , my shadow became a 20 - foot giant across the front of their house ! I was sure I 'd be caught , but I completed my task and place the box , then hot - footed it back to our Jeep , jumped in , and we took off ! My daughter had taken pictures of me the whole time , and she began laughing hysterically as we pulled out onto the main road . Mission accomplished ! We headed home , laughing the whole way , excited that we were successful . And we 're looking forward to our big Christmas party for tomorrow evening . We can hardly wait to see if we 've successfully surprised Uncle Jerry . It ought to be a lot of fun . Even though the weather doesn 't look or feel like Christmas , it is definitely here ! The most wonderful time of the year , as the song goes . And now the mad rush begins . I was taking inventory of bought Christmas presents , and it appears I am lacking a few gifts for several of my family members , so now we begin shopping for specifics rather than for whatever we find . Tomorrow will be our last - minute shopping day . Look out , crowds ! You can also tell it 's Christmas by the number of parties that are planned . We had a big party at work today , which was nice . The next party will be on Sunday evening , which will be with the extended family ( in - laws ) . Then we have another party on Christmas Eve with all of the families , followed by my immediate family celebrating on Christmas morning . It 's a blast ! Another indicator of Christmas coming soon is the annual Santa visit with the local fire department . They came down our neighborhood street this evening with sirens blaring and lights blazing , with Santa riding on the back of one of the fire engines . It was very exciting , however it was a bit surprising that they came through so late at night . . . it was 9 : 45 p . m . , and I know for a fact that several of the younger kids on our street were asleep already , so they missed seeing ol ' Santa . It was fun to see , though . Every year , we go out to Triadelphia Farm to cut down a Christmas Tree . We 've been doing this annually , give or take a couple of years , for the past 15 Christmases . This year , because of how late in the season Thanksgiving came , plus the poor weather right after that , we didn 't get out as early as we wanted to get a tree . As we 've gotten closer to Christmas , the less desire I had to go out and cut one down . I 've had a lot of bad luck with my trees over the years , from them drying out , to our praying mantis fiasco last year . Last year , we cut down a tree and had it up and decorated in our dining room . After a few weeks , we noticed a few tiny praying mantises in our kitchen . Then we saw a LOT of them . They were everywhere ! I don 't know if it 's true or not , but I 've been told never to kill a praying mantis , that they 're endangered or something . So I was very careful not to hurt them . But I couldn 't just let them wander around the house . I also wasn 't sure how they got in the house to begin with . . . . until I examined our Christmas Tree . Sure enough , near the base of the trunk , we found the nest . Apparently , they were hibernating , but once the tree was inside where it was warm , they " hatched " and started looking for food . It certainly was a memorable Christmas . I was still finding the little buggers around the kitchen well into the Spring . So , anyway , we decided not to get a live tree this year . My daughter was disappointed , and I 've run the risk of being called a Scrooge , but it 's going to make my Christmas a little easier . And I promised my daughter we 'll put up a small artificial tree . And given how much I dislike artificial trees , I hope this is the last time , too . Tomorrow night will be our wrapping party . My daughter asks every year if she can wrap some presents , and each year , I tell her that she should let me do it . Well this year I 'm letting her have her wish . She will be wrapping gifts . It typically takes me an entire day to wrap everything , and this year I don 't have Christmas Eve as a day off from work . So her help is appreciated . I 'm just wondering how long it will take her to say she 's finished . It gets old very quickly . I 'm back ! Not 100 % back , but close to it . I 'm now wishing I had placed a new laptop on my Christmas list to Santa . I need one . I 've been battling sleep issues for years now , mostly severe snoring and grinding of teeth . Before I got married , it was only a problem for myself , but after I got married , my wonderful wife suffered more than I did . She also picked up on the fact that I would stop breathing for short periods of time during the night , a sure indication that I had sleep apnea . She wanted me to get it checked , and I resisted . After she died , I forgot about it . My sleeping got worse and worse , though , and as I suffered through the sleep issues , I was also dealing with periods of depression . Add on hypertension , high blood pressure , type 2 diabetes , and exhaustion , and I became a real mess . At my last doctor 's appointment , I asked for a referral for a sleep study . It was scheduled for Tuesday night . I arrived at 9 p . m . after dropping my daughter off at my parent 's place . The sleep study office was in the basement of a large professional building just outside of Annapolis . I was shown to a standard non - descript bedroom , with a nice flat - screen TV , a sleep - number bed , and a powder room . After filling out a bunch of paperwork and being informed that there was one other patient there for the night , so the technician would be serving both of us , I was told to get ready to sleep and then they would begin applying the wires and sensors . So I changed into my sweats and a t - shirt , and jumped into bed . It was very comfortable . I proceeded to read the book I had brought . At around 9 : 30 , the technician , a very nice young lady , knocked and entered my room to collect the paperwork . She informed me that it would take about 30 minutes to connect all of the wires , and she would start with the other patient , since that woman 's normal bedtime was at 9 : 30 and mine was 10 . So I kept reading . I started to get tired at around 10 , just as the technician returned . Next was the process of connecting all of the wires . They were on my legs , my chest , my neck , all over my face , and my head . They were used to check all of my vital signs , as well as all of the pertinent sleep issues I might have , including restless legs syndrome , and , of course , sleep apnea . She then helped me get into bed , connected the wires to a harness that connected to a computer . I noticed the camera on the ceiling , through which they would be watching me all night . I got a bit self - conscious at the thought . There was an intercom system that I could use should I need anything , including having to use the bathroom . She said to remain on my back until they got everything up and running , at which time I was free to sleep in any position I wanted . She turned off the light and left the room . About 30 seconds later , I heard her voice on the intercom . She asked me to position my head in a bunch of different ways , then to move my eyes , legs , arms , etc . Finally , she said good night , and I was on my own . . . . well , me and all of the eyes watching me . It took a while to get to sleep . I 'm a side sleeper , so I turned onto my side . It was very comfortable . All of the sensors on the side of my face made for a lumpy pillow . I was also very self - conscious about the whole experience . I couldn 't seem to get past the thought of people watching me sleep . But I then tried a few of the techniques I use at home when I 'm restless , such as imagining the floorplan of my retirement home ( it really works , don 't ask me why ) , and I was soon in snooze land . I awoke suddenly after what seemed only a few minutes . There was a digital clock on the far side of the room and it showed 1 : 11 a . m . More time had gone by than I thought . I had to use the bathroom . This was typical . I usually get up a couple of times during the night . I pressed the intercom button , and immediately heard the technician say she would be right there . I wondered why she answered so quickly but remembered the camera and figured they knew I was awake before I did . She opened the door and dimmed the lights to a level where I could see but they weren 't obtrusive . She helped me get up , disconnected a few of the wires , then took the entire harness and placed it around my head by a strap . I was free then to use the bathroom . After , I pressed the intercom button , and she returned . Since I had stayed pretty much in one position , I decided to sleep on my other side , so she help me get into position . Apparently , I had knocked one of the sensors loose on my leg , and she made sure it was stuck in place . Then it was back to sleep . This time , it took me a lot longer to fall back to sleep . There had been too long of an interruption between when I woke up and when I was able to lay back down , and I was wide awake , though still tired . Again , I tried thinking about the things that normally put me to sleep , and I started to drift off . However , I had one of those weird moments when I felt like I was falling and I woke up suddenly , my whole body jumping . I got my bearings , and closed my eyes again . I wondered how that looked on the sensors ! I was soon asleep again . I woke up one more time , at around 4 a . m . I rolled over and was soon asleep again . Then the light went on . It was 5 : 30 , and it was time to get up . The technician said to move into the chair when I was ready and she began to disconnect the wires . This was not so easy . I 'm a pretty hairy guy , so removing the sensors was a lot like removing a band - aid , and I 'm sure ripping them off took some hair with them . I was ready to go within 20 minutes , and that was it . I was free to leave . I walked outside to the cold morning air . It was still dark . I was really hungry . I looked for a fast food place to drive thru to get something on my stomach , then I drove to my parent 's place in Bowie to shower and get ready for work . I worked a normal day , though I was a bit tired . I had a nice evening with my daughter . We got a few groceries , ran some errands , etc . Then we went to bed . I slept pretty solid all night . Apparently , I hit the snooze on my alarm clock a few too many times . It was six o ' clock already , and I was in no shape to even get out of bed . I decided to sleep in just a bit . I texted a few of my employees to let then know I would be in later . And I fell right back to sleep . I awoke again at 8 : 45 , just as my daughter was getting ready to leave for school ( my sister , who comes to the house each morning , had gotten her ready ) . I said good bye . I checked my BlackBerry calendar to see what meetings I might miss , and determined I could take the day off without too much trouble . I emailed my boss to let her know . She was very understanding . I rolled over and fell asleep again . I slept a couple of hours more . Then I decided to get up . I tried eating a bowl of cereal . I watched a little bit of TV . Then I snoozed on the couch . . . for three more hours . I awoke again , let Faithful Pup Scout run outside , then I returned to the couch and slept some more . I was awakened by a text from my daughter asking if she should walk home or would I be picking her up . Since I wasn 't even dressed , and still very groggy , I asked her to walk . She happily did . When she arrived , I told her that I was really out of it , that I might need to sleep a little more . She said she would do her homework , and she was fine with it . I fell asleep again . Next , it was around 6 p . m . I yelled up to my girl to see if she wanted dinner . She said she was okay , but would be down shortly . I fell asleep again . 7 : 30 p . m . I yelled up again . She bounced down the stairs and said she could eat . We had a light dinner . I at cereal again . I had no appetite . We watched a little TV as we ate . I kept toying with my laptop and finally got it to boot up in safe mode . This allowed me to finally access this blog . I 'm still tired , though , and I 'm ready for bed again . I don 't know if this is just a reaction to the lack of sleep during the sleep study , or if there 's more to it . Either way , I 'm still tired . Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday ! I 'm still battling computer issues , which are prohibiting me from doing full blog entries . This is all just a reflection of my inability to thumb type on my iPhone at a fast enough pace to keep up with my thoughts , and in no way reflects a lack of material for blog topics . And I 'm keeping track of worthwhile topics . . . Such as : - - a lack of sugar free or alternative desserts for diabetics at restaurants ; - - my experience at a sleep study clinic last night . . . . Oh , what a night ; - - my search for a new vehicle ; - - why I 'm not putting up a real tree for Christmas this year ; - - my frustrations with my laptop and the automatic Windows updates that keep putting it out of commission ; - - why my dog , Faithful Pup Scout , may be responsible for my sleep issues . . . All this and more is coming to you soon , as soon as I get my laptop up and running , or I get a designated thumb typist ( read : my 10 year old daughter ) to type up my blog entries ! Stay tuned . . . And thanks for reading ! Major laptop issues have temporarily halted updates to the blog . . . . That , and a frustratingly slow texting ability which keeps me from being able to type more than a few words per minute . My apologies to my readers as this may delay blog entries for a few days . In the meantime , enjoy this fantastic season ! I headed home for some time with Faithful Pup Scout , then I went to the AFI Silver Theater in downtown Silver Spring for an annual showing of IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! The drive over to the theater was beautiful with snow falling and gray skies . It felt like winter , but looked like Christmas ! The film was fantastic , as usual . There 's a reason it 's number one on my list of favorite movies . And no matter how many time I 've seen it ( and I know I must be in the fifties on viewings ) , it still brings a tear to my eye at the end . If you have never seen this movie , it really is one of those must see movies . Seeing it on the big screen with a very appreciable audience makes it even better . I went straight from the theater to my church 's Saturday service , and was pleasantly surprised to see Pastor Mark preaching tonight . He has been laid up after successful heart bypass surgery , and seeing him up and around and preaching was awesome . After the service , he approached me to ask how things were going for me , and , as usual , he got all of the questions in before I could ask him about how he was doing , and a crowd had gathered to speak to him . I 'm sure he 's tired of answering questions about himself , but he is so unselfish . I wish we had more time to chat . I started to leave and began to feel a bit nauseous . I needed to eat something , but it 's hard to work up an appetite when you 're not feeling well . Stupid diabetes . I went home and really crashed , but not before eating a bowl of cold cereal . That seemed to help . I know I couldn 't eat a heavy meal . However , after finishing and going into the kitchen , I had another one of those dizzy spells that have been plaguing me recently . When I jump up too fast , the room will start to spin and my eyes will cloud over . If I don 't sit down or brace myself , I feel like I could pass out . I was fine , but it 's something that has been bothering me . I sat down again and I 've spent the past couple of hours in a fog . I 'm really tired , but I was trying to watch TV . That didn 't go so well . Scout is ready for bed , so I guess that 's where I 'm headed . I haven 't eaten at KFC since they were still known as Kentucky Fried Chicken . Actually , it hasn 't been that long . My daughter and I traveled through Kentucky a few years ago and stopped at the original KFC , which was kind of cool because of the attached museum , but not for the food . But KFC has been running an ad for their " Festive Feast " , which includes 8 pieces of chicken , 4 biscuits , 2 large side items , and a dozen chocolate chip cookies for $ 19 . 99 . I saw the commercial at just the right time . I was hungry . I decided that this deal might make a pretty good meal for us . What ? Okay , maybe not " good " , but delicious ! Right after work , I rushed home intending to make a quick stop at the KFC on US 1 in Laurel , before picking up my daughter at school . I regretted it as soon as I saw there were only 4 people working at the restaurant . The fact that it was between meals , long after lunch but not quite dinner time , led me to believe I could get in and out quickly . There were a few customers already waiting and things didn 't look promising . I put in my order and was given my receipt . And I waited . After ten minutes , all of the customers in the restaurant were still waiting for their food . One of the employees came over to all of us and asked for our receipts . For whatever reason , another employee seemed to put a rush on my particular order , and I received my bag of goodies first . I was in a rush at this point since my daughter was getting out of school at any minute . I did a quick inventory and saw that one of the most important items was missing : the dozen chocolate chip cookies ! I really get frustrated when this happens , and it seems to happen a lot , at many different places . I rushed back into the restaurant and after getting an employee 's attention ( thank goodness she recognized me as a customer who had just left ) , explained that I hadn 't received my cookies . I 'm glad I still had my receipt . The employee said , very matter - of - factly , that they didn 't have enough cookies made . It was going to take 15 minutes to make another batch . It was clear that they intentionally left my cookies out of my order hoping I wouldn 't catch it until later and wouldn 't want to come back . This really bothered me . They tried to get me to accept another dessert instead , but a big part of my desire to stop at KFC was for those hot - baked chocolate chip cookies . I said no thanks , I really just want the cookies . She looked at me as if this was all my fault . I was getting angry . I finally said , if they would get the cookies made , I 'd come back in 15 minutes after picking up my daughter , who I was already late picking up because they had taken too long . They were relieved , and said that would be fine . So I rushed out , drove home , picked up my girl , and came right back to the KFC . As promised , the cookies were ready , but a new shift had begun and there were a bunch of new employees working in the restaurant . I still had my receipt , and one woman , who remembered us , said she would get the cookies for us . I think having my daughter with me kept everyone 's mood light . We were given our cookies and sent on our way . My daughter wanted to try a cookie right away , so I let her have one . She opened the box and there were significantly more than a dozen cookies in the box . They were nice enough to throw some extras in for us for our inconvenience . I was pleased , and happy that they made things right . Dinner was really good . We got the " boneless " recipe , which is all white meat . It was great ! The mashed potatoes were just as I remembered them , and the gravy made a delicious " dipping sauce " for the chicken and biscuits . I also got my girl some mac and cheese . We really enjoyed it . I 'm glad I stopped , though it 's not going to be a regular meal for us . It 's just a little too rich . But it was good . I used to love romancing my wife . I always looked at it as if it was my duty as a man and husband to make sure Teresa always felt loved , and I tried hard to come up with unique ideas . It was hard for me to do when we were dating , before we got married . At least , it was hard early on , given what an introvert I am . But once I got to really know her , and found out what she liked , her favorite things , etc . , it became very easy . She was such a sucker for romance , and I say that in love . I 've noticed too many guys just don 't understand how to romance their wife or significant other . They either don 't even try , even simple little gestures ( holding hands , or complimenting her clothes or how she looks . . . and mean it ) , or they try too hard ( the big splash plays , trying to do something for the reaction instead of for what it 's meant to be . . . for her ) . Guys can be kind of stupid . I say that in love . The key with romance is to never do the same old thing . . . unless the same old thing is something you 've never done before . I had to come up with original ideas . Sometimes it was very simple things . On our first date , I opened and held the door for her , whether it was at her apartment , my car , or the restaurant door . It 's the polite , gentlemanly thing to do . I am amazed how often I see a couple where the man walks in front of the woman , and doesn 't hold the door for her . It 's so simple , yet too many guys don 't get it . On that same first date , it was raining , so I walked with Teresa , holding the umbrella with my left hand , and I placed my right hand in the small of her back . She told me later that this gesture was one of the most romantic things any guy had ever done for her . To me , it was a respect thing . I wasn 't trying to impress her . It was the right thing to do . I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking , " Eric , you are one romantic guy ! " No , no . . . I jest . You 're really thinking , " Eric , you 're just making yourself sound like the awesomist guy ever . . . you 're just a showoff . " Well , while it 's true my wife called me the most romantic man in the history of men ( I may be paraphrasing ) , I 've had my share of duds . I 've been on dates where I 've tried way too hard . I took a stuffed animal on a first date for a girl and she was not impressed , and she actually told me at the end of the night that I should just keep it . We didn 't have a second date . . . or a third . I re - gifted a book one time , and it turned out it was a book that a student had given to my wife , with a written dedication on the inside front cover . I was completely embarrassed . Flowers are nice , but they can also be unoriginal , and may fall into the " trying too hard " category . Red roses on a first date are too much . The L word needs to be used in moderation , as well . Early on in a relationship , it may not be appropriate . I 'd like to say that you 'll know when it 's the right time to say it , but that 's not always the case . If you say it first and she doesn 't feel the same way , it can be awkward . And don 't say it if you don 't mean it . That could get you into some trouble later . When said at the right moment , it can be very romantic . ( For those of you who don 't know what the L word is , it 's " lettuce " . ) Guys , keep in mind that you really need to be yourself . Don 't try to be someone you 're not . Do not fall prey to the " Cyrano de Bergerac " ploy , where you get a friend to hide in the bushes or give you a speaker to put in your ear to feed you lines . It never works . It has been tried on every sit - com ever made , and a few movies ( see ROXANNE ) , and it just doesn 't work . Be yourself . Even if you have a big nose . Ladies , don 't be hard on your man if he isn 't just naturally romantic . Even taking him to see chick - flicks won 't help . In fact , that might make things worse . Chick - flicks need to be fed to guys in small doses . I started this post seriously wanting to share my experiences and offer help to those less - romantic , but it has fallen into the realm of parody . Maybe that 's where it belongs . Romance seems to work for some couples . It definitely doesn 't work with all . Guys need to be willing to try romance , but it can 't be forced . I feel as if most women want their man to be somewhat romantic , but are willing to live without it , based on what I 've observed , and that 's a shame . My advice , and I 'm no expert , is for guys to try it and be sincere . It might actually bring your relationship to a new level . Maybe to 2nd or even 3rd base . Our bodies are crazy things . I woke up this morning exhausted . I stayed up too late last night , so when the alarm went off at 5 a . m . , I hit the snooze alarm at least three times before I finally decided to climb out of bed . I had dry mouth . A side - effect of one of the meds I take causes dry mouth . I started to brush my teeth , but because of the dry mouth , I began to gag on the toothpaste , which led to dry heaves and an attempted vomiting . I noticed that as my body went through this experience , my legs and knees completely locked up . I don 't understand this connection , but that 's what happened . I jumped into the shower and soaked in the hot water . After about 3 minutes , the water felt lukewarm , and I turned up the hot water . After a few more minutes , I again had to turn up the hot water . It felt so good , and I allowed the water to pour onto my neck and down my back . I turned off the water and within minutes I was freezing . The towel was not enough to keep me warm , but as I dried off , I got more comfortable . I 'm sure there are some physics at work here that I can 't remember , but I found it odd how my body seemed to to be affected by such slight changes in temperature . I took Faithful Pup Scout outside for her morning walk . I didn 't wear a jacket , and I immediately noticed how cold it was . Scout decided that she needed to spend a little extra time sniffing the snow - covered grass . I finally coerced her little butt inside after determining she knew I was leaving for work and was stalling . I put on my jacket and this time it was actually comfortable outside . After driving for about a mile , my Jeep was actually too warm , and I needed to turn the heat down . I followed my usual route to work and got caught up in my thoughts . I shot right past my exit without even recognizing I was passing it . By taking the next exit , I added about 10 minutes to my commute . I have never done that before ! I usually eat a bowl of oatmeal when I get to work and go through my emails . Because I had been out for the past two days , I had a lot of emails to go through , as well as a lot of people to touch base with . As I got to it , I made my oatmeal , but didn 't have time to eat it before I had to go to my morning stand - up meeting with my employees . I hadn 't eaten and my body was letting me know it . I finished the stand - up , but had a meeting I had to go to , so I was not able to eat my oatmeal . When I returned to my desk , I was starving and getting a bit shaky , which is what happens when I 've gone too long without eating . I saw my oatmeal sitting there , and decided to eat a few bites . It was terrible . Fortunately , lunch was only about 30 minutes away . After eating , I felt a lot better . The rest of the afternoon was uneventful , and I headed home . I was feeling anxious , and a bit tired , but I was glad to be going home . I picked up my daughter and we began to relax . Faithful Pup Scout wanted her own normal routine , which included a quick walk , then a trip upstairs to the bathroom . Even though I don 't use the bathroom everyday after arriving at home , Scout still assumes that I do , and she literally gets excited and tries to lead me up the stairs . I 'll follow her up , change out of my work clothes , and if I do use the bathroom , she runs in ahead of me , finds her spot on the floor to lay down , and sits at my feet until I finish . It really is odd to me . The moment I finish , she leaves the bathroom . My daughter worked her homework while I watched a little TV . I was tired , but not enough to nap . Many days , I do . I made us a nice dinner , and we ate while watching TV . My daughter still had a little homework , so while she did that , I attempted to snooze . It was at that moment that my legs began their little dance . As much as I tried to relax and close my eyes , my legs would not rest . The muscles in my legs begin to ache and I have to keep moving them to keep them from hurting . This keeps me from falling asleep . I adjusted a bit and was about to drift off , but I felt a sneeze coming on , and while trying to stave it off , it grew and finally came on me in a very loud and aggressive way . My whole body got into the act , and I heard my daughter yell , " God bless you ! ! ! " from upstairs . I attempted to say thank you , but the sneeze kept my voice from working and it wouldn 't come out . We were getting tired , and it was past my daughter 's bedtime , so we went upstairs to get ready for bed . We prayed together , and said our goodnights , then it was off to bed with her . I finished typing up this blog . Now I 'm dealing with an achy left shoulder , the same one that I broke in a fall several years ago . Either I was about to have a heart attack , or the cold was getting to me . I 'm a bit susceptible to arthritis in my injured joints , and the weather seems to cause them to become painful . I finished typing , and now I 'm headed to bed . I enjoyed my snow day today . It was enough of a threat to call off schools and close the Federal Government , so I had a nice , relaxing day off . Since I took off yesterday , too , I got a nice four - day weekend out of the beautiful weather . To pass the time , I actually got busy and worked around the house for much of the day . Following that , I started another fun little project . I really enjoy reading the blogs written by others , and have links to them on my blog page . But there are so many listed that it has become hard for me to keep track of them . Fortunately , they 're listed in chronological order as they 're updated , but I wanted to organize them a little better , so I broke them up into categories . The categories include local favorites from the Maryland / DC area , with a particular focus on Howard County . There are some wonderfully written blogs by awesome individuals throughout the area , and they have been great influences on my own blog . Another category is a handful of blogs with a Christian view . Then there are the sports blogs . Most of the focus here is on my favorite sports teams , notably those in Pittsburgh . There 're a bunch centering on the Steelers , Pirates , and Penguins , and the University of Maryland Terrapins , my Alma mater . The rest of the categories follow my interests . I love to travel , so I have a grouping of blogs about road trips , which I love , and amusement parks , among other things . I love Route 66 , so there are a bunch about that old highway , and the Lincoln Highway . To go along with those , I am fascinated by old things , abandoned buildings , old New York City , and old highways , so there 's a grouping of blogs about those things . I also have a grouping of blogs about movies , television , science fiction , classic fifties , comics , and even fun stuff like Bigfoot . I 'm very entertained by much of what I 've read here . It 's just fun ! Lastly , since I am a cartographer by trade , I have a bunch of blogs grouped by geography , cartography , maps , and geographic information systems ( GIS ) . It 's a fascinating subject , and I love it . I follow a bunch of friends who write blogs , too . I 'm fortunate to know a lot of great writers , much better than me . I enjoyed my day off . I miss my daughter , though . I talked to her a couple of times today , and she had a great time with her grandparents . Pap loves to play with her , and they got out in the snow for a bit . They didn 't get nearly the amount of snow in Bowie that we got here in Howard County , though . I think we finished with about four inches , at least . And even though I didn 't go out in it ( other than to shovel the walk and clean off my Jeep ) . Faithful Pup Scout used to love playing in the snow when she was a puppy . It was fun to watch the little white fur ball run around in the snow . She would blend right in . Now that she 's getting up in years , she doesn 't like being outside nearly as much . She gets around very slowly , and I 'm sure the cold air is too much for her . Tomorrow will be a rough day at work since I 've been out for a couple of days already . I 've got a lot of work piling up for me , plus a bunch of meetings . That 's the only negative to being out of work . But being able to relax and enjoy the past few days makes it worth it . I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve ! Anytime there 's a threat of snow , particularly a BIG snow , I get excited . Tonight is one of those nights . I know we just had a full day of snow and freezing rain , but it 's much different when the forecast is for SNOW . SNOW is a lot different from snow and freezing rain . Instead of a soggy mess , like what we got on Sunday and today , we 're supposed to get a nice big snow . The timing of this storm will be interesting . It 's not supposed to start until around 5 a . m . , so any impacts on the roads will happen as the rush hour gets going . Will that be enough to cancel schools and close the Federal Government ? That 's the big question . I took one precaution already and took my daughter over to her grandparent 's place for the night . That way , if school is closed , she 'll already be taken care of . Should they open , my father or my sister will be able to take her to school . But with her at their place , I don 't have to wait around for the weather to stop or get better in the morning , like I did this morning . I took off today due to the weather and the fact that my sister was not able to drive over to my house this morning to take care of my daughter . It was a nice , relaxing day , however , and I enjoyed the chance to just hang out with my girl . The forecast for tomorrow morning is 4 to 6 " of snow . It that holds , it will definitely impact the commute . But if I leave early , I shouldn 't have a problem with traffic or weather , assuming the gov 't . opens . Either way , I 'm excited . My daughter and I met my parents for dinner this evening at T . J . Elliott 's in Bowie . T . J . Elliott 's is the sister restaurant to the original Ledo 's , now in College Park , owned by the Marcos family . They serve the original Ledo 's pizza and it is fantastic ! My father and I ordered a large with mushrooms , green peppers , and extra cheese . If you haven 't tried Ledo 's pizza , you owe it to yourself to try it . While they have spun off into a chain of restaurants throughout the DC area , there 's nothing like the original recipe . The crust is flaky , the sauce is slightly sweet and rich with tomatoes , and the provolone cheese gives it a really great taste . It 's served in their " trademark " rectangular plastic trays . It 's a square pizza , but that 's what makes it cool . : - ) My daughter and I had a nice day off today . We didn 't do what we said we were going to do . . . I wanted to decorate the house for Christmas . Instead , we did a lot of nothing . We watched the finale to one of our favorite shows , THE AMAZING RACE , and enjoyed a day playing with our animals . Faithful Pup Scout loves it when we 're all home together , and my daughter played a lot with Macy The Hamster , letting her run around the house in her ball . The best part of the day was getting a nice afternoon nap . I 'm still having a lot of trouble sleeping , with lots of intense dreams . In addition , for whatever reason , Faithful Pup Scout decided at 1 : 30 a . m . that she needed to go outside . I hate when that happens , but I 'm happy that she 'll at least let me know instead of just wetting the bed , especially since we share the bed . Then , my daughter wasn 't feeling well and was up at 3 a . m . My alarm went off at 5 a . m . , and if there hadn 't been a delayed arrival at work which gave me a few more hours of needed sleep , I wouldn 't have been very alert at work . It 's beginning to look a lot like Winter ! Today 's snow had me and my daughter , Melody , very excited . We love this time of the year , and seeing snow just adds to the atmosphere of the season . At the first sign of snow falling , Melody began giggling like the school girl she is . We kept the front door and the curtains open so we could watch it fall . It really was awesome . I spent a good bit of the day watching NFL Red Zone , which shows highlights of all of the NFL games as they happen . When I can 't watch my Pittsburgh Steelers play , that 's the channel I watch . Unfortunately , the game didn 't go the Steelers ' way , and they fell apart at the end . The loss pretty much ends any chance of them going to the playoffs . There were a lot of exciting games , however , with many of them going right down to the wire . The Ravens were successful in a see - saw game which saw four touchdowns in the last few minutes . Last night we went to our first Christmas party of the season . My father - in - law is the pastor at First Baptist Church of Damascus , and they had their annual Christmas party , with about 50 or so people attending . The food was great , which was an improvement on last year 's party , when a few dozen people got food poisoning by the caterer . The emcee for the evening ended up being a big surprise : Elvis ! One of the church members surprised everyone by coming out of hiding wearing a white jumpsuit and black wig , and he spent the entire evening in character . We played a bunch of games , ate good food , and enjoyed each others company . It was the most fun and relaxed I 've been in weeks . My parents and in - laws were both there with us , and Melody seemed to enjoy herself quite a bit . Now that we have a mess outside due to the weather , what 's going to happen tomorrow ? The news is reporting another round of significant icing over night , which will make the roads pretty dangerous . The sidewalks will likely not be shoveled , so that will impact the kids who walk to school . At the least , I can see the schools being delayed , if not cancelled . The Federal Government rarely shuts down , but ice is the great equalizer when it comes to traffic . If it was just snow , that 's one thing . Ice makes it significantly worse . We won 't know for sure until morning , however . If we get a day off , it means Melody and I will spend the day decorating for Christmas . I would like to get some of the Christmas lights put up outside , and we need to clear out an area for a tree . We 're already well past the time when we would go out and cut down a tree , so we 'll likely just head over to the tree lot that the Savage Fire Dept . hosts each year . We 've had good luck with them in the past . My wife died over nine years ago , and in all that time , I 've only had dreams about her about a half - dozen times . That makes me sad , though most of the dreams have not been " happy ending " dreams . But you might think that I would have a lot of dreams about someone who was such a significant part of my life . Maybe the Lord purposely keeps us from having dreams about loved ones who have passed on so that our healing can come about more quickly . I don 't know . . . One of the first dreams I had about my wife was in the first year after she died . It caught me by surprise , since I hadn 't had any dreams about her up until that point , so I actually felt a bit emotional when I woke up . The dream wasn 't a very happy one . In the dream , I was walking down the sidewalk in an unknown city far from here , and I bumped into her on the street . She apologized to me , said that she had to go , and she had remarried and started a family with someone other guy . It absolutely killed me , as it felt like I had been rejected by her . She just kept apologizing to me , but she had no intention of returning to her old life . Another dream was about her dying in a car accident , but coming back to let me know that she missed me , but had to " die " again and wouldn 't be able to come back . I could probably get this one analyzed by a professional and it would turn up all kinds of imagery , particularly related to being born again as a Christian . Anyway , it was tough having to say goodbye , but it felt like it was a chance to say goodbye . Last night 's dream was really different , but really captured her well . Teresa and I had taken many trips during our short married life , and this dream had us taking a trip to what appears to be a warm climate city , like Miami , or maybe even Los Angeles . It was a trip for us to relax and let our hair down , which sounds like the type of trip I need to take right now ! I was wearing a tux without a tie , and I had asked Teresa to dress up in something she normally wouldn 't wear , being how humble and conservative she was . She had on a sexy strapless satin white dress , cut well above her knees . She never would have worn something like that . But there we were , all dressed up , very relaxed , laughing together , having fun while we walked up the sidewalk near a beach . She looked so radiant , so beautiful , so much fun , and that , in turn , had me relaxed , something I sincerely have not felt in months . I don 't remember many details , and I woke up way too soon . While the dream stayed with me , unlike so many others I 've had , it has faded quite a bit since then . What an awesome dream ! As I said , I just don 't have enough dreams about my wonderful wife . I wish I had them more often . I just didn 't have enough time with her . Worse is that my daughter never got the chance to know her , since she died when Melody was only 5 months old . I 'm just glad that we will all be reunited one day . So happy for eternal life with our Lord and savior . I arrived at the school to pick up my daughter at the normal time . Just as I pulled up , I received a text message from the school stating that they were on lockdown as requested by the Howard County Police , all students were safe , and they would dismiss as soon as they got the all clear . It was odd timing only because it was just minutes before they would be dismissed normally . Parents had gathered as normal to pick up their kids , whether by car or by walking , and all could only stand around and wait as news of the lockdown was received . Their was no other news from the school or county , and no word on the news about why the school was on lockdown . I sat in my car for around 20 minutes , just waiting . The only other message I received from the school was a request to not call the school so as not to tie up the phone lines . I could see the front door of the school from where I was parked along the side of the main road , and there was no action . It was apparent that some parents attempted to request entry into the school , but a lockdown is a lockdown . No one was allowed to enter or exit the school . All we could do was wait . It was killing me not knowing what was happening . I had the typical worst - case scenarios running through my head , from a mass shooting to a bomb threat , though the absence of any emergency vehicles of any kind was a relief . I hedged my bets and decided to run down to the grocery store , only a mile away , to pick up a couple of prescriptions I needed . I held my cell phone in my hand the whole time , hoping to get a text message either letting parents know they could pick up their kids , or any kind of news as to what was going on . I had been listening to WTOP , the main news station for the area , but they made no mention of the lockdown . I picked up my prescriptions , then rushed back out and drove to the school again . There was no change . There were still many parents milling and walking around , and a long line of cars there to pick up their children . Fortunately , the weather wasn 't very cold , so I put the windows down on my car . I hoped that I might hear someone talking about what was happening . Finally , after over an hour , there was an announcement outside of the school . I couldn 't hear it , since I was too far away , but the crossing guard was going car to car letting the occupants know that they should park their cars , enter the school calmly , and bring ID to verify you are who you say you are . There would be two lines formed inside the school . As parents entered , they were given a release form to fill out in order to alert teachers as to who the parents were picking up . The parent would give one of the teachers the form along with a photo ID , the teacher would check to make sure the person with the ID was on the student 's authorized pickup list , then be sent around to the other side of the hallway where their child would be brought , and they could then exit . It was apparent that they had a release plan . Unfortunately , the parents totally screwed up that plan due to their selfishness and disregard for following instructions . It was a free for all . The two lines were formed and fine at the back , though there was a lot of confusion since nobody seemed to know what to do . The forms that needed to be filled out were being given out by one woman , and if you didn 't know she was the one to see for a form , you wouldn 't know you even needed a form . The next problem was that no one knew about the forms until we got inside , so how many people brought a writing utensil ? Fortunately , I was near a woman in line who let me borrow hers . Next , despite the orderly instructions to wait in line , a school employee would randomly yell out , " Fifth grade ? " , and every parent who had a fifth grader would rush to the head of the line , ahead of all of the other parents who were waiting in front of them . It was total chaos . You could see the frustration on the faces of many of the parents and the teachers and faculty . Patience was wearing thin . Some of the parents , though , didn 't seem to care . They only wanted to get their kid as soon as possible , and didn 't seem to care about anyone else . I waited patiently until the I got to the front of the line . I calmly gave the form and my driver 's license to a teacher , she checked me off , told me where to go to meet my daughter , and disappeared into the crowd . When I reached the other side , I didn 't have to wait very long . My daughter soon appeared , and I could see the relief on her face that I was there for her . However , we had to wait for a teacher to call her name . When that didn 't happen after five more minutes of waiting , with many other kids getting called before my girl , I got concerned , and so did she . Finally , she asked a teacher if she could go with me . That teacher asked me if I had the form . I calmly told her that I had given it to a teacher already who went to get my daughter . The teacher said , " I think I know what happened , " and she walked away with my daughter . By this time , I was starting to get a little be angry . The process seemed to be going all right despite the craziness with the parents , but now why was my daughter being singled out and not able to just leave with me ? Finally , they came back with the form , and we were able to leave . My daughter said that , when they called her name , the teacher didn 't wait for her , and she just followed the other kids to where I was supposed to pick her up . Since the teacher still had the form , she wasn 't cleared to leave . It was a simple mistake , but given the circumstances , it was maddening . I gave my girl a big hug , told her how much I loved her , and we trekked back to the car . We were very relieved to finally be home . So was Faithful Pup Scout , who was sitting in the kitchen with her legs crossed . We never did find out why the school was in lockdown , though I found out that another nearby school was also locked down . I truly believe that the school had the best of intentions with the entire experience today , but it could be better , and the parents would all be better served to follow the instructions they were given regarding the lockdown . I felt bad for the teachers and faculty . I don 't know if they get overtime for situations like this , but they deserve it . If only things could have been better arranged . If only the parents could be better behaved . It was truly a mess . Whew , today was another rough day ! It got much better as the day went along , but it was bad at the start , especially after arriving at work . I immediately had to deal with a continuation of the issues from yesterday , which had to do with issues between management and an employee . One manager , who is a very good guy and short to get angry , was furious over accusations by the employee that were blatantly false , and we had received proof overnight that the union had made the accusations without any evidence . The result was a rather contentious meeting between all of the parties . While the issues were resolved , tempers flared and tension still exists . It was a difficult meeting to be a part of . I 'm not at all used to this type of behavior , and dealing with it was a challenge . I came home late and in a bad mood , but coming home to my beautiful little girl made my day . I wanted to do something special given that the last few days were so difficult and I felt like I had not been giving her the attention she deserves . So I suggested that we head out to the Mall in Columbia , grab a bite to eat at the eatery , and go see Santa . She was all over that idea , kind of like peanut butter on toast , and off we went . Right after she finished her homework . We arrived at the Mall and grabbed some dinner . We decided to eat at Chick - Fil - A , and after a fine meal and enjoyable conversation ( no smart phones ) , we took a little walk around the Mall . Santa was all by himself , and he gave us a big wave as we approached . A jolly guy , was ol ' Santa ! Melody quickly ran over to Santa , and he invited her to sit on his lap . Several pictures were snapped as he asked her what she wanted for Christmas . She played it safe and said she wanted a new cage for her hamster , Macy , since she has gotten too fat . We got a few pictures , said goodbye , and continued to walk through the Mall . Melody had decided she wanted to buy something for herself . I told her that we were getting close to Christmas , and it didn 't make a lot of sense to spend her money on something on herself . She insisted , though , and had brought ten bucks with her . We ended up at the Disney Store , where , after at least 20 minutes of wandering the store , she finally settled on a stuffed Perry The Platypus . She paid for it , and we decided since it was getting late , we 'd better start heading home . As we left the Mall , I told Melody that we would drive through the Symphony of Lights at Merriweather Post . She was very excited , so off we went . Aside from the line attendant giving me a hard time about being a Steeler fan , we had a nice drive . The lights are a highlight for us every year . My girl loves Christmas lights , and the various shapes and characters made out of the lights are fun to see . We took our time , despite how many times we had cars behind us ride right up onto our bumper ( and moved to the side to allow them to pass ) , especially the large number of cars that keep their headlights on despite signs and announcements on the broadcast associated with the drive . Then we headed home . Santa has asked me on several occasions to fill in for him . It helps that I have a union suit and a fairly realistic beard and wig . It 's a fun gig . I 've served in the role at a few different churches I 've attended , a few family Christmas parties , at the office , and for my aunt , a story I 've shared on this blog . Having the costume is helpful in other ways , too . One night , several years back , the University of Maryland Terrapins were playing a Thursday night football game that was to be nationally broadcast on ESPN . A few friends and I got tickets for the game . That morning , it had snowed , and by game time , it was well below freezing . I decided to wear the Santa suit to the game thinking that I might end up getting on TV . Everyone loves seeing Santa at a football game . We arrived at Byrd Stadium for the game and realized that ice had collected on the concrete on the stairs of the upper deck , where our seats were located . We were sitting pretty high up , which was bad enough with my fear of falling , but the ice made me fear that I could actually fall . I had hoped to be on TV , but now I was afraid I might slip and fall , and the sight of Santa rolling down from the upper deck of the stadium might make the evening news . It was so cold , and the wind was blowing very hard , so we decided to leave at halftime . I recorded the game , and checking the tape later , I saw that I never got on the air . Having a Santa suit gave me a great idea for a Halloween costume one year . I went as Santa Claus ! I actually had a lot of fun , and Santa was the hit of the party . I found it kind of easy to just fall into the role , and my normal introvertedness took a back seat to Santa being the life of the party . I also found out that several young ladies at the party had a " thing " for Santa . While that meant plenty of them wanted to sit on Santa 's lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas , none of them actually wanted to sit under the tree with Santa and watch the twinkling stars in the night sky . Oh , well . . . . the beard wasn 't exactly conducive for making out . It covered up too much of my face and lips . I 've had a few gigs that required me to arrive in character , which meant wearing the suit to the location . It is a blast to be driving down the Beltway dressed as Santa and waving to little kids in the cars I passed . The looks I got were priceless . Playing Santa is a lot of fun . The best was being Santa for my little girl , though . When she was a baby , it made getting pictures with Santa very easy . . . Dating is really hard . I hate it . It 's not fun , except when it is . When you have success , especially when you only have to be successful once ( leading to marriage ) , it is fun and actually feels pretty good . But most of the time , the odds of success are pretty slim , depending on who you are and who you are dating . I was kind of lucky , I guess . I only seriously dated two young ladies before I met the woman who I married . I dated a lot more women who I had every intention of dating seriously , but I very seldom went with on a second date . A part of this is because I was so picky . Ridiculously picky . I was pretty clueless , too , when a woman showed interest in me . I missed out on a few dates with some wonderful young ladies just because I didn 't recognize the signs of their interest . Renee , who was in the University of Maryland 's Mighty Sound of Maryland Marching Band with me , became a good friend while we were in the band , and practically threw herself at me ( I was told later ) , but I showed absolutely no interest in her because I just didn 't realize it , and I was also afraid of messing up our friendship . I ruined our friendship as a result , because there really wasn 't a friendship . She wanted a relationship with me , and I didn 't respond . So she looked for someone else . Yeah , I was dumb . I guess I shouldn 't complain . I did marry the woman I believe God prepared for me , and me for her , and we had a wonderful , almost storybook - like marriage . If it had worked out with Renee , or any other of the young ladies I dated , I wouldn 't have had the wonderful experience with Teresa . Unfortunately , my marriage lasted less than five years . I don 't think anyone would have predicted that she would die at such a young age . So , eventually , I was back where I started . . . back in the dating pool , just older . I really didn 't want to be back in the pool , though . As I mentioned , I hated dating . I didn 't want to have to go through it again , especially when I thought I was done with it . So I 've had my fair share of dating . In fact , I 've probably dated more since Teresa 's death than I ever did before I met her . And , just as before , I 've been on very few second dates . Dating makes me miserable . I 've been happy when things are going well , but that isn 't very often . To make matters worse , I caught a look of myself in a mirror recently while out in public and I didn 't like the sight that greeted me . I 'm not in very good shape . I 'm certainly not prepared to make a good first impression on anyone I might want to date . Not that I 'm having any luck there , either . The latest dating site I 'm on has attracted zero women who I might be interested in dating , and those I 've shown interest in have not returned that interest . And though I know there is only so much you can learn about a person on a dating site , the women who HAVE shown an interest in me do not come close to the preferences I 've outlined on my profile . I should follow my cousin 's advice . Jamie is one of my favorite cousins who is constantly sending me advice about dating and how easy it is ( though I think it 's important to mention that she married young ) . She is very much an extrovert and does find meeting people very easy . Not me , the classic introvert . Anyway , Jamie is always telling me to just walk right up to someone I 'm attracted to and feed them a line . She says it almost always works . I honestly find that hard to believe . I 'm thinking I might just give up on actively trying to date and just wait until my little girl is older and goes off to college . It would probably be easier to fine someone who matches up well with me , instead of someone who matches up with me AND my daughter . And even though I feel like my daughter has been cheated out of having a mom , since she lost hers when she was just a baby , that 's probably going to be easier for me . In the meantime , unless you really think I 'm a lost cause , feel free to send pics and profiles of women looking for a nice guy to date . Maybe it will work out . . . . who knows . Life is crazy that way . Matthew 16 : 23 - " But he turned and said to Peter , ' Get behind me , Satan ! You are a hindrance to me . For you are not setting your mind on the things of God , but on the things of man . ' " Patricia Graynamore : " I wonder where we 'll end up ? " Joe Banks : " Away from the things of man , my love . . . away from the things of man . " - JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANOIsaiah 41 : 10 - " So do not fear , for I am with you ; do not be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " 1 Peter 5 : 10 - " And the God of all grace , who called you to his eternal glory in Christ , after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong , firm and steadfast . " Titus 2 : 7 - 8 - " In everything set them an example by doing what is good . In your teaching show integrity , seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned , so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us . " John 15 : 13 - " Greater love has no one than this , that he lay down his life for his friends . " Joshua 24 : 15 - " As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord . " James 1 : 2 - 4 - " Consider it pure joy , my brothers , whenever you face trials of many kinds , because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance . Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything . " Philippians 4 : 8 - " Finally , brothers and sisters , whatever is true , whatever is noble , whatever is right , whatever is pure , whatever is lovely , whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things . " Luke 2 : 14 - " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace , good will toward men . " " Don 't judge a man by where he is , because you don 't know how far he has come . " - C . S . Lewis " Be courteous to all , but intimate with few , and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence . " - George Washington " No man is a failure who has friends . " - Clarence the Angel , IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE " Please watch out for each other and lovPictures used on this site are copyright © of their respective owners and will be removed upon request . Today was a nice day . The weather was gorgeous , clear with low humidity , and a nice breeze . I immediately was regretting that we had our b . . . I fell in love . Again . She 's wonderful . And beautiful . They always are . All of them . This time it 's Lauren Schneider . She . . . |
Today was a rough day for Pittsburgh Steelers football fans . The Steelers have struggled all season , losing their first four games , before recovering and winning 6 of their final 8 to finish the season with a . 500 record , at 8 - 8 . They were never really in the hunt for the playoffs , and it was hard to stay excited about them during the season . I tend to get a little too involved in the team 's wins and losses . I 'm what you would call a die - hard fan . When the Steelers win , it can make my weekend . When the lose , it puts me in a funk . I take it all much too seriously . So the Steelers started to get their season on track and they were winning games . Coming into the last two games , the Steelers were still longshots to make the playoffs . There were , like , 18 things that had to happen with other teams to keep them in the hunt . Wouldn 't you know it , but everything that had to happen began to happen , and the stars aligned . Going into today 's games , the Steelers still needed a lot of help . They needed to win their game versus their long - time rivals , the Cleveland Browns . The Steelers have played well against the Browns , especially when playing at home , so it was looking good for that game . The Steelers also needed the Baltimore Ravens , Miami Dolphins , and San Diego Chargers to lose , which would make them all tied at 8 - 8 , and the Steelers would get into the playoffs with the tie - breaker . It was still a longshot . Miami was playing a home game against the New York Jets . It they won , they were in . But the Jets played well and took the game , eliminating Miami . The Ravens were playing at the division rival Cincinnati Bengals , and with the way the Ravens had been playing recently , this would be a tough game for them . And , sure enough , the Bengals , after letting it stay close early , ran away with it . It all came down to the San Diego Chargers versus the Kansas City Chiefs . If the Chargers won , they were in the playoffs . If they the Chiefs won , the Steelers would be in . The Chargers were at home , where they had played well . The Chiefs had already qualified for the playoffs , and Coach Andy Reid elected to rest a majority of his starters , including their quarterback and running back . They seemed to be resigned to the fact that the game didn 't mean anything to them , win or lose . It didn 't look good for the Steelers . But the game still had to be played , and it was a nail - biter . The Chargers fell behind unexpectedly and were losing 24 - 14 in the 4th quarter . They seemed to get some momentum , though , and were able to tie it with just a few minutes left . The Chiefs moved the ball up the field , and were inside the 20 yard line with only a few seconds left in the game . A field goal would win it , and allow the Steelers to make it into the playoffs . The Chiefs kicker , Ryan Succop , was a fairly decent kicker , too , so this would be an easy kick . But it wasn 't meant to be . The kick went up and missed by mere inches . The game went into overtime , where the Chargers went right down the field and kicked a field goal , then stopped the Chiefs from scoring to win the game and go to the playoffs ! The Steelers were eliminated . It was a heartbreaking end to the season . I had long ago lost any hope of the Steelers making the playoffs , but the recent success had rejuvenated my interest . Given how everything had aligned for them over the last few weeks , I really thought they might make it . But it didn 't happen . Now it 's college basketball season , and I have to change my focus from the Steelers to my Maryland Terrapins . The men 's team still looks to be struggling , but the women 's team is awesome once again , and there are high hopes for big success this season . Hopefully it will be better than the Steelers . I really hate how seriously I take my sports teams , and their successes and failures are taken to heart . They literally affect my mood and will create a stress I do not need in my life , given the fact that I 'm already stressed from work and other life events . Sports are meant to be a fun and enjoyable diversion . But I can 't help it . I just take it too seriously . And I wouldn 't change a thing . I 've always been intrigued by nicknames , and how people get them and how they stick . Sometimes they start out as , say , pet names between couples , or maybe from grade school . Some come from early childhood , and may have come about when they were a baby . Maybe it 's a play on their name , first or last , or something that they do . Whatever it is , I think nicknames are pretty cool . When I and my siblings were kids , my father always gave us nicknames . Unfortunately , sometimes they stuck , and were used for years within our family , though they seldom spread beyond the family . My uncle started calling me Eric " Von Zipper " , after a character who appeared in the Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello beach movies from the 60s . Apparently , he was a bit of a doofus who wore a leather jacket and rode a motorcycle . The only connection is our first name , Eric . That morphed into my dad calling me " Z " , short for Zipper , and sometimes " Z - bar " or " Z - bar - boy " . My brother got it a little worse , though . For whatever reason , we started calling him " Paco " . I really don 't know why . His actual name is Darren . As he got older , I started calling him " Kiddo " , and it stuck , at least as far as I 'm concerned , and I call him that to this day . I guess Dad really liked nicknames , since he had such a large family ( he 's one of eight siblings ) and they all called each other different names . Dad was " Ferd " , a spin on our last name . As a William , he was , naturally , called " Bill " , or " Billy " . He and Mom called each other " Borky " and " Buckwheat " , after the Little Rascals characters . My grandfather became " Pap " , and I called him " Pap Pap Hair " , since he was a barber , when I was a kid . After becoming grandfathers themselves , my father and all of his brothers became " Paps " , too , or " Pap Pap " . I called my cousin , Jeff , " Fuff " , when I was a little kid . My cousin , Jimmy , was " Jimbo " , which I know he hated . Mom , whose name is Gwendolyn , or Gwen , was called " Gwenzie " when she was a kid . Having the last name Freed makes for an easy nickname . My boss at work calls me " Freed " all the time , especially when he 's not happy , which is all the time . He 's also known to call me " Freebird " or " Freburg " . My wife started calling me " Bubba " after we got married . I don 't know why , and she didn 't even know why , but it stuck , and became my pet name . I called her " My Dear " . I didn 't have anything else that could really qualify as a nickname . However , her family gave her the nickname " T2 " when her cousin , Josh , was a little kid . He couldn 't pronounce " Teresa " , and it came out as " Teretoo " , or , shortened , " T2 " . Her uncle called her that for years ( and referred to himself as " U1 " ) . I adopted T2 for Teresa , but I never called her that except in writing . Uncle Jerry calls me " E1 " . A few of my employees call me " E " , which I kind of like . My current boss refers to me as " E " , as well , among a lot of other names , like " Dr . Freed " and " Good Eric " ( there 's another Eric who is " Bad Eric " , of course ) . My daughter , Melody , was saddled with " Babe " , which is what I called her when she was a baby , and it stuck . You might think she would get the name " Mel " , or " Melly " , but neither name stuck . She 's still Babe within the family . We tried to make things easy on my daughter when she was little , and we called my sister " Aunt G " based on her real name , Angie . Angie loves it ! My brother , Darren , became Uncle D . I call Angie " Ang " . Angie is also short for Angenette , her actual name . Even our pets end up getting nicknames , even when their actual names are almost nicknames themselves . Faithful Pup Scout is nicknamed " Puppy " , or " Scouter " , or even " Little Pup " . My sister 's cat , Sam , was called " Sammy " , or , as I called him , " Sammy Claws " . Some nicknames are better than others , but they sure are fun . I 'm glad to have a couple that I like , though there are just as many that are really bad . Then there 's this one , about a lost dog : 3 legs , blind in one eye , missing right ear , tail broken , recently castrated . . . answers to the name , " Lucky " . I received the most wonderful gift on Christmas Eve . It was a complete surprise to me , and my daughter is the one who surprised me . Melody had been staying with my in - laws since Sunday night . On Christmas Eve , I planned to go to the Candlelight service at my in - laws church , First Baptist of Damascus . It was a long drive from our house , and I was running just a bit late . When I arrived , the service had already begun . My family was all in attendance and they saved me a seat in the front row . It 's not a big church , but there were about 150 people in attendance . I sat with Melody and we enjoyed the service and my father - in - law 's message . As the service was getting ready to end , Melody walked up to the stage and picked up a microphone . I was confused at first , and then the music started . My little girl began singing " Happy Birthday Jesus " . It was sung beautifully and in tune , and I was just blown away ! She had never done anything like this . I was a proud dad , and the tears came easily . In fact , many around me were crying . It was awesome ! When she finished , she came right over to me with a big smile on her face . She knew she had surprised me . I gave her a big hug , my father - in - law gave the benediction , and we celebrated . It was the best present ever ! I hope you all had a wonderful , enjoyable , blessed Christmas ! Oh , I 'm smitten . Again . I know better than to get all carried away about such things , but I feel like I 'm a pretty good judge of character , and this young lady is quite a wonderful character . I found her blog by accident , and discovered that we have something in common : we 're both diabetics , though she 's a type 1 and I 'm a type 2 . There is a difference , and I hope you 'll seek to discover the differences , as education about diabetes is a good idea for everyone , given how common it has become . Anyway , I discovered this young lady , whose name is Kerri Marrone Sparling , through YouTube , where I found a link to her blog , Six Until Me , and I 've followed her for a little while now . You can find her blog here . Let me set the record straight , though , and emphasize that , not only am I at least a full decade older than she , Kerri is also married , and a mom , and I 'm guessing she 's very happy in both roles . And so , as much as I admire her , that admiration is strictly of the professional kind . She is outspoken about diabetes , particularly how it has impacted her own life , and provides advice about living as a type 1 diabetic . I am amazed by how much she reminds me of my deceased wife , though . She has that extroverted nature that I find so attractive , but she also speaks confidently , intelligently , humorously , and unashamedly . She is a beautiful , witty , young lady . I can 't help but be enamored by her , and I apologize if I 've allowed this to distract me from her message . I also hope this doesn 't paint me as some weirdo . Mrs . Sparling just seems to have the personal qualities of the type of woman that I find attractive , and I can point to her and say to my friends , " That 's the type of woman I 'm looking for ! " I hope she accepts that as the compliment it was meant to be . With that said , however , I am happy to have her as an advocate for a cause that means quite a bit to me . I 've shared this story on the blog before , but I 'll briefly recant it again . Just over two years ago , I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes . I had all of the typical signs leading up to this diagnosis , including unquenchable thirst , frequent urination , blurred vision , occasional confusion , immense fatigue . . . and I had no idea why . I finally made an appointment with my doctor . The night before , I celebrated my brother 's birthday with our family , and had a large slice of birthday cake , with plenty of icing . The next morning , I went to see my doctor , and he was pretty quick with a diagnosis before proceeding with blood work . He said it sounded like diabetes . He gave me some literature on the subject , and said he 'd check in with me as soon as he got the results of the blood work . The next day was Sunday , so he called me early on Monday morning and said he wanted to see me right away . He said that my blood - sugar was extremely high : 750 ! Normal was right around 100 . He was afraid for me . He checked my blood - sugar , and I was at about 300 , so at least I was going in the right direction . He put me on insulin immediately , and I got a quick education on giving myself shots . Both of my grandfathers had been diabetics , so I was somewhat familiar with the process , but the fact that I was diagnosed in my early 40s versus my grandfathers ( both were in their 60s ) concerned me . It meant a drastic change in behavior . I mentioned last week that I went to a sleep study clinic , and received the results this morning : I have severe sleep apnea . During the 350 some minutes I slept during the test , I stopped breathing 449 times . That 's more than once each minute , which really scared me . I will get fitted with a CPAP machine next week , which is the first step towards improving my sleep issues . The sleep apnea is connected to my weight , particularly around my neck and throat . I 'm quite a mess . Anyway , I think Mrs . Sparling is a wonderful speaker . I 'm sure she 's a wonderful person , as well , though that is only my impression . ( I 'm secretly hoping she has an unmarried sister . . . . ) . I like to take this opportunity to wish her and her family , as well as you , my readers , a Merry Christmas . We slept late this morning , mostly because of the sleep issues I 'm battling , but also because we were up late last night , so even though we wanted to get an early start on finishing our Christmas shopping , our extra sleep was necessary . Once we got going , though , we had a very busy day . I 'm not much of a shopper . Frankly , I hate it . But I do love Christmas shopping . I find it to be a blast trying to find that perfect gift . And we found a lot of perfect gifts today ! We hit Hobby Lobby , where we found a boatload of those metal signs reproduced from the 50s . We found picture frames for my daughter 's school pictures , which is an annual favorite gift , particularly for the grandparents . We also stopped at the " cheap " store for gifts , Big Lots ! The home of $ 5 watches and $ 10 jewelry provides plenty of stocking stuffers , as well as affordable gifts my daughter can buy for the entire family . We cleaned house ! Aside from the ridiculous amount of traffic in the area around the shopping center , it was a fun trip . The weather , with temps well into the upper 60s , allowed us to spend time with the top down on our little car today , as well . Even though we drove the wrong vehicle today , which meant stuffing the car with more stuff than it was meant to hold , it was worth it for a taste of the warm weather . For many years , longer than I 've known them , my in - law 's family has exchanged a gag gift that has made the rounds to just about every family member at one time or another . It was lost for a few years , then popped up again . It landed in my lap last year . It 's a pair of boxer shorts . I 'm pretty sure everyone has forgotten that I got them . It was a gift I received from my mother - in - law ( and I can 't believe she ended up with them prior to me getting them ) . So upon digging them up the other day and my daughter asking questions about them , I let her in on my plan . I figured it was time for Uncle Jerry to get the shorts . But we were going to make it noticeable and memorable . We got a very large box , one of those that was about 3x3x3 , and filled it with crumbled newspaper . Then we hid the boxers in an empty box of Fruity Pebbles and buried them in the newspapers . Then we wrapped the big box and applied stickers saying , " Fragile " , " Made in Italy " , " Do not open until 12 / 22 at 7 p . m . " , " No peeking " , and " Santa 's watching ! " We also addressed it to Jerry , and placed a huge red bow on it . Once we got it prepared , we took a little trip over to Uncle Jerry 's house . It isn 't hard to find . Jerry does a fine impression of Clark Griswold . I 'd hate to see his electric bill this time of year . . . Our plan was to take the box and leave it on their front porch , where they 'll likely find it tomorrow morning . We parked across the street , and waited a few minutes to make sure no one came to the window . The house seemed quiet , aside from all of the bling outside . I got out and opened the back of our Jeep , pulled out the box , and ran it up their driveway toward the front porch . They had a spotlight shining on the front of their house , and as I crossed in front of it , my shadow became a 20 - foot giant across the front of their house ! I was sure I 'd be caught , but I completed my task and place the box , then hot - footed it back to our Jeep , jumped in , and we took off ! My daughter had taken pictures of me the whole time , and she began laughing hysterically as we pulled out onto the main road . Mission accomplished ! We headed home , laughing the whole way , excited that we were successful . And we 're looking forward to our big Christmas party for tomorrow evening . We can hardly wait to see if we 've successfully surprised Uncle Jerry . It ought to be a lot of fun . Even though the weather doesn 't look or feel like Christmas , it is definitely here ! The most wonderful time of the year , as the song goes . And now the mad rush begins . I was taking inventory of bought Christmas presents , and it appears I am lacking a few gifts for several of my family members , so now we begin shopping for specifics rather than for whatever we find . Tomorrow will be our last - minute shopping day . Look out , crowds ! You can also tell it 's Christmas by the number of parties that are planned . We had a big party at work today , which was nice . The next party will be on Sunday evening , which will be with the extended family ( in - laws ) . Then we have another party on Christmas Eve with all of the families , followed by my immediate family celebrating on Christmas morning . It 's a blast ! Another indicator of Christmas coming soon is the annual Santa visit with the local fire department . They came down our neighborhood street this evening with sirens blaring and lights blazing , with Santa riding on the back of one of the fire engines . It was very exciting , however it was a bit surprising that they came through so late at night . . . it was 9 : 45 p . m . , and I know for a fact that several of the younger kids on our street were asleep already , so they missed seeing ol ' Santa . It was fun to see , though . Every year , we go out to Triadelphia Farm to cut down a Christmas Tree . We 've been doing this annually , give or take a couple of years , for the past 15 Christmases . This year , because of how late in the season Thanksgiving came , plus the poor weather right after that , we didn 't get out as early as we wanted to get a tree . As we 've gotten closer to Christmas , the less desire I had to go out and cut one down . I 've had a lot of bad luck with my trees over the years , from them drying out , to our praying mantis fiasco last year . Last year , we cut down a tree and had it up and decorated in our dining room . After a few weeks , we noticed a few tiny praying mantises in our kitchen . Then we saw a LOT of them . They were everywhere ! I don 't know if it 's true or not , but I 've been told never to kill a praying mantis , that they 're endangered or something . So I was very careful not to hurt them . But I couldn 't just let them wander around the house . I also wasn 't sure how they got in the house to begin with . . . . until I examined our Christmas Tree . Sure enough , near the base of the trunk , we found the nest . Apparently , they were hibernating , but once the tree was inside where it was warm , they " hatched " and started looking for food . It certainly was a memorable Christmas . I was still finding the little buggers around the kitchen well into the Spring . So , anyway , we decided not to get a live tree this year . My daughter was disappointed , and I 've run the risk of being called a Scrooge , but it 's going to make my Christmas a little easier . And I promised my daughter we 'll put up a small artificial tree . And given how much I dislike artificial trees , I hope this is the last time , too . Tomorrow night will be our wrapping party . My daughter asks every year if she can wrap some presents , and each year , I tell her that she should let me do it . Well this year I 'm letting her have her wish . She will be wrapping gifts . It typically takes me an entire day to wrap everything , and this year I don 't have Christmas Eve as a day off from work . So her help is appreciated . I 'm just wondering how long it will take her to say she 's finished . It gets old very quickly . I 'm back ! Not 100 % back , but close to it . I 'm now wishing I had placed a new laptop on my Christmas list to Santa . I need one . I 've been battling sleep issues for years now , mostly severe snoring and grinding of teeth . Before I got married , it was only a problem for myself , but after I got married , my wonderful wife suffered more than I did . She also picked up on the fact that I would stop breathing for short periods of time during the night , a sure indication that I had sleep apnea . She wanted me to get it checked , and I resisted . After she died , I forgot about it . My sleeping got worse and worse , though , and as I suffered through the sleep issues , I was also dealing with periods of depression . Add on hypertension , high blood pressure , type 2 diabetes , and exhaustion , and I became a real mess . At my last doctor 's appointment , I asked for a referral for a sleep study . It was scheduled for Tuesday night . I arrived at 9 p . m . after dropping my daughter off at my parent 's place . The sleep study office was in the basement of a large professional building just outside of Annapolis . I was shown to a standard non - descript bedroom , with a nice flat - screen TV , a sleep - number bed , and a powder room . After filling out a bunch of paperwork and being informed that there was one other patient there for the night , so the technician would be serving both of us , I was told to get ready to sleep and then they would begin applying the wires and sensors . So I changed into my sweats and a t - shirt , and jumped into bed . It was very comfortable . I proceeded to read the book I had brought . At around 9 : 30 , the technician , a very nice young lady , knocked and entered my room to collect the paperwork . She informed me that it would take about 30 minutes to connect all of the wires , and she would start with the other patient , since that woman 's normal bedtime was at 9 : 30 and mine was 10 . So I kept reading . I started to get tired at around 10 , just as the technician returned . Next was the process of connecting all of the wires . They were on my legs , my chest , my neck , all over my face , and my head . They were used to check all of my vital signs , as well as all of the pertinent sleep issues I might have , including restless legs syndrome , and , of course , sleep apnea . She then helped me get into bed , connected the wires to a harness that connected to a computer . I noticed the camera on the ceiling , through which they would be watching me all night . I got a bit self - conscious at the thought . There was an intercom system that I could use should I need anything , including having to use the bathroom . She said to remain on my back until they got everything up and running , at which time I was free to sleep in any position I wanted . She turned off the light and left the room . About 30 seconds later , I heard her voice on the intercom . She asked me to position my head in a bunch of different ways , then to move my eyes , legs , arms , etc . Finally , she said good night , and I was on my own . . . . well , me and all of the eyes watching me . It took a while to get to sleep . I 'm a side sleeper , so I turned onto my side . It was very comfortable . All of the sensors on the side of my face made for a lumpy pillow . I was also very self - conscious about the whole experience . I couldn 't seem to get past the thought of people watching me sleep . But I then tried a few of the techniques I use at home when I 'm restless , such as imagining the floorplan of my retirement home ( it really works , don 't ask me why ) , and I was soon in snooze land . I awoke suddenly after what seemed only a few minutes . There was a digital clock on the far side of the room and it showed 1 : 11 a . m . More time had gone by than I thought . I had to use the bathroom . This was typical . I usually get up a couple of times during the night . I pressed the intercom button , and immediately heard the technician say she would be right there . I wondered why she answered so quickly but remembered the camera and figured they knew I was awake before I did . She opened the door and dimmed the lights to a level where I could see but they weren 't obtrusive . She helped me get up , disconnected a few of the wires , then took the entire harness and placed it around my head by a strap . I was free then to use the bathroom . After , I pressed the intercom button , and she returned . Since I had stayed pretty much in one position , I decided to sleep on my other side , so she help me get into position . Apparently , I had knocked one of the sensors loose on my leg , and she made sure it was stuck in place . Then it was back to sleep . This time , it took me a lot longer to fall back to sleep . There had been too long of an interruption between when I woke up and when I was able to lay back down , and I was wide awake , though still tired . Again , I tried thinking about the things that normally put me to sleep , and I started to drift off . However , I had one of those weird moments when I felt like I was falling and I woke up suddenly , my whole body jumping . I got my bearings , and closed my eyes again . I wondered how that looked on the sensors ! I was soon asleep again . I woke up one more time , at around 4 a . m . I rolled over and was soon asleep again . Then the light went on . It was 5 : 30 , and it was time to get up . The technician said to move into the chair when I was ready and she began to disconnect the wires . This was not so easy . I 'm a pretty hairy guy , so removing the sensors was a lot like removing a band - aid , and I 'm sure ripping them off took some hair with them . I was ready to go within 20 minutes , and that was it . I was free to leave . I walked outside to the cold morning air . It was still dark . I was really hungry . I looked for a fast food place to drive thru to get something on my stomach , then I drove to my parent 's place in Bowie to shower and get ready for work . I worked a normal day , though I was a bit tired . I had a nice evening with my daughter . We got a few groceries , ran some errands , etc . Then we went to bed . I slept pretty solid all night . Apparently , I hit the snooze on my alarm clock a few too many times . It was six o ' clock already , and I was in no shape to even get out of bed . I decided to sleep in just a bit . I texted a few of my employees to let then know I would be in later . And I fell right back to sleep . I awoke again at 8 : 45 , just as my daughter was getting ready to leave for school ( my sister , who comes to the house each morning , had gotten her ready ) . I said good bye . I checked my BlackBerry calendar to see what meetings I might miss , and determined I could take the day off without too much trouble . I emailed my boss to let her know . She was very understanding . I rolled over and fell asleep again . I slept a couple of hours more . Then I decided to get up . I tried eating a bowl of cereal . I watched a little bit of TV . Then I snoozed on the couch . . . for three more hours . I awoke again , let Faithful Pup Scout run outside , then I returned to the couch and slept some more . I was awakened by a text from my daughter asking if she should walk home or would I be picking her up . Since I wasn 't even dressed , and still very groggy , I asked her to walk . She happily did . When she arrived , I told her that I was really out of it , that I might need to sleep a little more . She said she would do her homework , and she was fine with it . I fell asleep again . Next , it was around 6 p . m . I yelled up to my girl to see if she wanted dinner . She said she was okay , but would be down shortly . I fell asleep again . 7 : 30 p . m . I yelled up again . She bounced down the stairs and said she could eat . We had a light dinner . I at cereal again . I had no appetite . We watched a little TV as we ate . I kept toying with my laptop and finally got it to boot up in safe mode . This allowed me to finally access this blog . I 'm still tired , though , and I 'm ready for bed again . I don 't know if this is just a reaction to the lack of sleep during the sleep study , or if there 's more to it . Either way , I 'm still tired . Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday ! I 'm still battling computer issues , which are prohibiting me from doing full blog entries . This is all just a reflection of my inability to thumb type on my iPhone at a fast enough pace to keep up with my thoughts , and in no way reflects a lack of material for blog topics . And I 'm keeping track of worthwhile topics . . . Such as : - - a lack of sugar free or alternative desserts for diabetics at restaurants ; - - my experience at a sleep study clinic last night . . . . Oh , what a night ; - - my search for a new vehicle ; - - why I 'm not putting up a real tree for Christmas this year ; - - my frustrations with my laptop and the automatic Windows updates that keep putting it out of commission ; - - why my dog , Faithful Pup Scout , may be responsible for my sleep issues . . . All this and more is coming to you soon , as soon as I get my laptop up and running , or I get a designated thumb typist ( read : my 10 year old daughter ) to type up my blog entries ! Stay tuned . . . And thanks for reading ! Major laptop issues have temporarily halted updates to the blog . . . . That , and a frustratingly slow texting ability which keeps me from being able to type more than a few words per minute . My apologies to my readers as this may delay blog entries for a few days . In the meantime , enjoy this fantastic season ! I headed home for some time with Faithful Pup Scout , then I went to the AFI Silver Theater in downtown Silver Spring for an annual showing of IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! The drive over to the theater was beautiful with snow falling and gray skies . It felt like winter , but looked like Christmas ! The film was fantastic , as usual . There 's a reason it 's number one on my list of favorite movies . And no matter how many time I 've seen it ( and I know I must be in the fifties on viewings ) , it still brings a tear to my eye at the end . If you have never seen this movie , it really is one of those must see movies . Seeing it on the big screen with a very appreciable audience makes it even better . I went straight from the theater to my church 's Saturday service , and was pleasantly surprised to see Pastor Mark preaching tonight . He has been laid up after successful heart bypass surgery , and seeing him up and around and preaching was awesome . After the service , he approached me to ask how things were going for me , and , as usual , he got all of the questions in before I could ask him about how he was doing , and a crowd had gathered to speak to him . I 'm sure he 's tired of answering questions about himself , but he is so unselfish . I wish we had more time to chat . I started to leave and began to feel a bit nauseous . I needed to eat something , but it 's hard to work up an appetite when you 're not feeling well . Stupid diabetes . I went home and really crashed , but not before eating a bowl of cold cereal . That seemed to help . I know I couldn 't eat a heavy meal . However , after finishing and going into the kitchen , I had another one of those dizzy spells that have been plaguing me recently . When I jump up too fast , the room will start to spin and my eyes will cloud over . If I don 't sit down or brace myself , I feel like I could pass out . I was fine , but it 's something that has been bothering me . I sat down again and I 've spent the past couple of hours in a fog . I 'm really tired , but I was trying to watch TV . That didn 't go so well . Scout is ready for bed , so I guess that 's where I 'm headed . I haven 't eaten at KFC since they were still known as Kentucky Fried Chicken . Actually , it hasn 't been that long . My daughter and I traveled through Kentucky a few years ago and stopped at the original KFC , which was kind of cool because of the attached museum , but not for the food . But KFC has been running an ad for their " Festive Feast " , which includes 8 pieces of chicken , 4 biscuits , 2 large side items , and a dozen chocolate chip cookies for $ 19 . 99 . I saw the commercial at just the right time . I was hungry . I decided that this deal might make a pretty good meal for us . What ? Okay , maybe not " good " , but delicious ! Right after work , I rushed home intending to make a quick stop at the KFC on US 1 in Laurel , before picking up my daughter at school . I regretted it as soon as I saw there were only 4 people working at the restaurant . The fact that it was between meals , long after lunch but not quite dinner time , led me to believe I could get in and out quickly . There were a few customers already waiting and things didn 't look promising . I put in my order and was given my receipt . And I waited . After ten minutes , all of the customers in the restaurant were still waiting for their food . One of the employees came over to all of us and asked for our receipts . For whatever reason , another employee seemed to put a rush on my particular order , and I received my bag of goodies first . I was in a rush at this point since my daughter was getting out of school at any minute . I did a quick inventory and saw that one of the most important items was missing : the dozen chocolate chip cookies ! I really get frustrated when this happens , and it seems to happen a lot , at many different places . I rushed back into the restaurant and after getting an employee 's attention ( thank goodness she recognized me as a customer who had just left ) , explained that I hadn 't received my cookies . I 'm glad I still had my receipt . The employee said , very matter - of - factly , that they didn 't have enough cookies made . It was going to take 15 minutes to make another batch . It was clear that they intentionally left my cookies out of my order hoping I wouldn 't catch it until later and wouldn 't want to come back . This really bothered me . They tried to get me to accept another dessert instead , but a big part of my desire to stop at KFC was for those hot - baked chocolate chip cookies . I said no thanks , I really just want the cookies . She looked at me as if this was all my fault . I was getting angry . I finally said , if they would get the cookies made , I 'd come back in 15 minutes after picking up my daughter , who I was already late picking up because they had taken too long . They were relieved , and said that would be fine . So I rushed out , drove home , picked up my girl , and came right back to the KFC . As promised , the cookies were ready , but a new shift had begun and there were a bunch of new employees working in the restaurant . I still had my receipt , and one woman , who remembered us , said she would get the cookies for us . I think having my daughter with me kept everyone 's mood light . We were given our cookies and sent on our way . My daughter wanted to try a cookie right away , so I let her have one . She opened the box and there were significantly more than a dozen cookies in the box . They were nice enough to throw some extras in for us for our inconvenience . I was pleased , and happy that they made things right . Dinner was really good . We got the " boneless " recipe , which is all white meat . It was great ! The mashed potatoes were just as I remembered them , and the gravy made a delicious " dipping sauce " for the chicken and biscuits . I also got my girl some mac and cheese . We really enjoyed it . I 'm glad I stopped , though it 's not going to be a regular meal for us . It 's just a little too rich . But it was good . I used to love romancing my wife . I always looked at it as if it was my duty as a man and husband to make sure Teresa always felt loved , and I tried hard to come up with unique ideas . It was hard for me to do when we were dating , before we got married . At least , it was hard early on , given what an introvert I am . But once I got to really know her , and found out what she liked , her favorite things , etc . , it became very easy . She was such a sucker for romance , and I say that in love . I 've noticed too many guys just don 't understand how to romance their wife or significant other . They either don 't even try , even simple little gestures ( holding hands , or complimenting her clothes or how she looks . . . and mean it ) , or they try too hard ( the big splash plays , trying to do something for the reaction instead of for what it 's meant to be . . . for her ) . Guys can be kind of stupid . I say that in love . The key with romance is to never do the same old thing . . . unless the same old thing is something you 've never done before . I had to come up with original ideas . Sometimes it was very simple things . On our first date , I opened and held the door for her , whether it was at her apartment , my car , or the restaurant door . It 's the polite , gentlemanly thing to do . I am amazed how often I see a couple where the man walks in front of the woman , and doesn 't hold the door for her . It 's so simple , yet too many guys don 't get it . On that same first date , it was raining , so I walked with Teresa , holding the umbrella with my left hand , and I placed my right hand in the small of her back . She told me later that this gesture was one of the most romantic things any guy had ever done for her . To me , it was a respect thing . I wasn 't trying to impress her . It was the right thing to do . I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking , " Eric , you are one romantic guy ! " No , no . . . I jest . You 're really thinking , " Eric , you 're just making yourself sound like the awesomist guy ever . . . you 're just a showoff . " Well , while it 's true my wife called me the most romantic man in the history of men ( I may be paraphrasing ) , I 've had my share of duds . I 've been on dates where I 've tried way too hard . I took a stuffed animal on a first date for a girl and she was not impressed , and she actually told me at the end of the night that I should just keep it . We didn 't have a second date . . . or a third . I re - gifted a book one time , and it turned out it was a book that a student had given to my wife , with a written dedication on the inside front cover . I was completely embarrassed . Flowers are nice , but they can also be unoriginal , and may fall into the " trying too hard " category . Red roses on a first date are too much . The L word needs to be used in moderation , as well . Early on in a relationship , it may not be appropriate . I 'd like to say that you 'll know when it 's the right time to say it , but that 's not always the case . If you say it first and she doesn 't feel the same way , it can be awkward . And don 't say it if you don 't mean it . That could get you into some trouble later . When said at the right moment , it can be very romantic . ( For those of you who don 't know what the L word is , it 's " lettuce " . ) Guys , keep in mind that you really need to be yourself . Don 't try to be someone you 're not . Do not fall prey to the " Cyrano de Bergerac " ploy , where you get a friend to hide in the bushes or give you a speaker to put in your ear to feed you lines . It never works . It has been tried on every sit - com ever made , and a few movies ( see ROXANNE ) , and it just doesn 't work . Be yourself . Even if you have a big nose . Ladies , don 't be hard on your man if he isn 't just naturally romantic . Even taking him to see chick - flicks won 't help . In fact , that might make things worse . Chick - flicks need to be fed to guys in small doses . I started this post seriously wanting to share my experiences and offer help to those less - romantic , but it has fallen into the realm of parody . Maybe that 's where it belongs . Romance seems to work for some couples . It definitely doesn 't work with all . Guys need to be willing to try romance , but it can 't be forced . I feel as if most women want their man to be somewhat romantic , but are willing to live without it , based on what I 've observed , and that 's a shame . My advice , and I 'm no expert , is for guys to try it and be sincere . It might actually bring your relationship to a new level . Maybe to 2nd or even 3rd base . Our bodies are crazy things . I woke up this morning exhausted . I stayed up too late last night , so when the alarm went off at 5 a . m . , I hit the snooze alarm at least three times before I finally decided to climb out of bed . I had dry mouth . A side - effect of one of the meds I take causes dry mouth . I started to brush my teeth , but because of the dry mouth , I began to gag on the toothpaste , which led to dry heaves and an attempted vomiting . I noticed that as my body went through this experience , my legs and knees completely locked up . I don 't understand this connection , but that 's what happened . I jumped into the shower and soaked in the hot water . After about 3 minutes , the water felt lukewarm , and I turned up the hot water . After a few more minutes , I again had to turn up the hot water . It felt so good , and I allowed the water to pour onto my neck and down my back . I turned off the water and within minutes I was freezing . The towel was not enough to keep me warm , but as I dried off , I got more comfortable . I 'm sure there are some physics at work here that I can 't remember , but I found it odd how my body seemed to to be affected by such slight changes in temperature . I took Faithful Pup Scout outside for her morning walk . I didn 't wear a jacket , and I immediately noticed how cold it was . Scout decided that she needed to spend a little extra time sniffing the snow - covered grass . I finally coerced her little butt inside after determining she knew I was leaving for work and was stalling . I put on my jacket and this time it was actually comfortable outside . After driving for about a mile , my Jeep was actually too warm , and I needed to turn the heat down . I followed my usual route to work and got caught up in my thoughts . I shot right past my exit without even recognizing I was passing it . By taking the next exit , I added about 10 minutes to my commute . I have never done that before ! I usually eat a bowl of oatmeal when I get to work and go through my emails . Because I had been out for the past two days , I had a lot of emails to go through , as well as a lot of people to touch base with . As I got to it , I made my oatmeal , but didn 't have time to eat it before I had to go to my morning stand - up meeting with my employees . I hadn 't eaten and my body was letting me know it . I finished the stand - up , but had a meeting I had to go to , so I was not able to eat my oatmeal . When I returned to my desk , I was starving and getting a bit shaky , which is what happens when I 've gone too long without eating . I saw my oatmeal sitting there , and decided to eat a few bites . It was terrible . Fortunately , lunch was only about 30 minutes away . After eating , I felt a lot better . The rest of the afternoon was uneventful , and I headed home . I was feeling anxious , and a bit tired , but I was glad to be going home . I picked up my daughter and we began to relax . Faithful Pup Scout wanted her own normal routine , which included a quick walk , then a trip upstairs to the bathroom . Even though I don 't use the bathroom everyday after arriving at home , Scout still assumes that I do , and she literally gets excited and tries to lead me up the stairs . I 'll follow her up , change out of my work clothes , and if I do use the bathroom , she runs in ahead of me , finds her spot on the floor to lay down , and sits at my feet until I finish . It really is odd to me . The moment I finish , she leaves the bathroom . My daughter worked her homework while I watched a little TV . I was tired , but not enough to nap . Many days , I do . I made us a nice dinner , and we ate while watching TV . My daughter still had a little homework , so while she did that , I attempted to snooze . It was at that moment that my legs began their little dance . As much as I tried to relax and close my eyes , my legs would not rest . The muscles in my legs begin to ache and I have to keep moving them to keep them from hurting . This keeps me from falling asleep . I adjusted a bit and was about to drift off , but I felt a sneeze coming on , and while trying to stave it off , it grew and finally came on me in a very loud and aggressive way . My whole body got into the act , and I heard my daughter yell , " God bless you ! ! ! " from upstairs . I attempted to say thank you , but the sneeze kept my voice from working and it wouldn 't come out . We were getting tired , and it was past my daughter 's bedtime , so we went upstairs to get ready for bed . We prayed together , and said our goodnights , then it was off to bed with her . I finished typing up this blog . Now I 'm dealing with an achy left shoulder , the same one that I broke in a fall several years ago . Either I was about to have a heart attack , or the cold was getting to me . I 'm a bit susceptible to arthritis in my injured joints , and the weather seems to cause them to become painful . I finished typing , and now I 'm headed to bed . I enjoyed my snow day today . It was enough of a threat to call off schools and close the Federal Government , so I had a nice , relaxing day off . Since I took off yesterday , too , I got a nice four - day weekend out of the beautiful weather . To pass the time , I actually got busy and worked around the house for much of the day . Following that , I started another fun little project . I really enjoy reading the blogs written by others , and have links to them on my blog page . But there are so many listed that it has become hard for me to keep track of them . Fortunately , they 're listed in chronological order as they 're updated , but I wanted to organize them a little better , so I broke them up into categories . The categories include local favorites from the Maryland / DC area , with a particular focus on Howard County . There are some wonderfully written blogs by awesome individuals throughout the area , and they have been great influences on my own blog . Another category is a handful of blogs with a Christian view . Then there are the sports blogs . Most of the focus here is on my favorite sports teams , notably those in Pittsburgh . There 're a bunch centering on the Steelers , Pirates , and Penguins , and the University of Maryland Terrapins , my Alma mater . The rest of the categories follow my interests . I love to travel , so I have a grouping of blogs about road trips , which I love , and amusement parks , among other things . I love Route 66 , so there are a bunch about that old highway , and the Lincoln Highway . To go along with those , I am fascinated by old things , abandoned buildings , old New York City , and old highways , so there 's a grouping of blogs about those things . I also have a grouping of blogs about movies , television , science fiction , classic fifties , comics , and even fun stuff like Bigfoot . I 'm very entertained by much of what I 've read here . It 's just fun ! Lastly , since I am a cartographer by trade , I have a bunch of blogs grouped by geography , cartography , maps , and geographic information systems ( GIS ) . It 's a fascinating subject , and I love it . I follow a bunch of friends who write blogs , too . I 'm fortunate to know a lot of great writers , much better than me . I enjoyed my day off . I miss my daughter , though . I talked to her a couple of times today , and she had a great time with her grandparents . Pap loves to play with her , and they got out in the snow for a bit . They didn 't get nearly the amount of snow in Bowie that we got here in Howard County , though . I think we finished with about four inches , at least . And even though I didn 't go out in it ( other than to shovel the walk and clean off my Jeep ) . Faithful Pup Scout used to love playing in the snow when she was a puppy . It was fun to watch the little white fur ball run around in the snow . She would blend right in . Now that she 's getting up in years , she doesn 't like being outside nearly as much . She gets around very slowly , and I 'm sure the cold air is too much for her . Tomorrow will be a rough day at work since I 've been out for a couple of days already . I 've got a lot of work piling up for me , plus a bunch of meetings . That 's the only negative to being out of work . But being able to relax and enjoy the past few days makes it worth it . I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve ! Anytime there 's a threat of snow , particularly a BIG snow , I get excited . Tonight is one of those nights . I know we just had a full day of snow and freezing rain , but it 's much different when the forecast is for SNOW . SNOW is a lot different from snow and freezing rain . Instead of a soggy mess , like what we got on Sunday and today , we 're supposed to get a nice big snow . The timing of this storm will be interesting . It 's not supposed to start until around 5 a . m . , so any impacts on the roads will happen as the rush hour gets going . Will that be enough to cancel schools and close the Federal Government ? That 's the big question . I took one precaution already and took my daughter over to her grandparent 's place for the night . That way , if school is closed , she 'll already be taken care of . Should they open , my father or my sister will be able to take her to school . But with her at their place , I don 't have to wait around for the weather to stop or get better in the morning , like I did this morning . I took off today due to the weather and the fact that my sister was not able to drive over to my house this morning to take care of my daughter . It was a nice , relaxing day , however , and I enjoyed the chance to just hang out with my girl . The forecast for tomorrow morning is 4 to 6 " of snow . It that holds , it will definitely impact the commute . But if I leave early , I shouldn 't have a problem with traffic or weather , assuming the gov 't . opens . Either way , I 'm excited . My daughter and I met my parents for dinner this evening at T . J . Elliott 's in Bowie . T . J . Elliott 's is the sister restaurant to the original Ledo 's , now in College Park , owned by the Marcos family . They serve the original Ledo 's pizza and it is fantastic ! My father and I ordered a large with mushrooms , green peppers , and extra cheese . If you haven 't tried Ledo 's pizza , you owe it to yourself to try it . While they have spun off into a chain of restaurants throughout the DC area , there 's nothing like the original recipe . The crust is flaky , the sauce is slightly sweet and rich with tomatoes , and the provolone cheese gives it a really great taste . It 's served in their " trademark " rectangular plastic trays . It 's a square pizza , but that 's what makes it cool . : - ) My daughter and I had a nice day off today . We didn 't do what we said we were going to do . . . I wanted to decorate the house for Christmas . Instead , we did a lot of nothing . We watched the finale to one of our favorite shows , THE AMAZING RACE , and enjoyed a day playing with our animals . Faithful Pup Scout loves it when we 're all home together , and my daughter played a lot with Macy The Hamster , letting her run around the house in her ball . The best part of the day was getting a nice afternoon nap . I 'm still having a lot of trouble sleeping , with lots of intense dreams . In addition , for whatever reason , Faithful Pup Scout decided at 1 : 30 a . m . that she needed to go outside . I hate when that happens , but I 'm happy that she 'll at least let me know instead of just wetting the bed , especially since we share the bed . Then , my daughter wasn 't feeling well and was up at 3 a . m . My alarm went off at 5 a . m . , and if there hadn 't been a delayed arrival at work which gave me a few more hours of needed sleep , I wouldn 't have been very alert at work . It 's beginning to look a lot like Winter ! Today 's snow had me and my daughter , Melody , very excited . We love this time of the year , and seeing snow just adds to the atmosphere of the season . At the first sign of snow falling , Melody began giggling like the school girl she is . We kept the front door and the curtains open so we could watch it fall . It really was awesome . I spent a good bit of the day watching NFL Red Zone , which shows highlights of all of the NFL games as they happen . When I can 't watch my Pittsburgh Steelers play , that 's the channel I watch . Unfortunately , the game didn 't go the Steelers ' way , and they fell apart at the end . The loss pretty much ends any chance of them going to the playoffs . There were a lot of exciting games , however , with many of them going right down to the wire . The Ravens were successful in a see - saw game which saw four touchdowns in the last few minutes . Last night we went to our first Christmas party of the season . My father - in - law is the pastor at First Baptist Church of Damascus , and they had their annual Christmas party , with about 50 or so people attending . The food was great , which was an improvement on last year 's party , when a few dozen people got food poisoning by the caterer . The emcee for the evening ended up being a big surprise : Elvis ! One of the church members surprised everyone by coming out of hiding wearing a white jumpsuit and black wig , and he spent the entire evening in character . We played a bunch of games , ate good food , and enjoyed each others company . It was the most fun and relaxed I 've been in weeks . My parents and in - laws were both there with us , and Melody seemed to enjoy herself quite a bit . Now that we have a mess outside due to the weather , what 's going to happen tomorrow ? The news is reporting another round of significant icing over night , which will make the roads pretty dangerous . The sidewalks will likely not be shoveled , so that will impact the kids who walk to school . At the least , I can see the schools being delayed , if not cancelled . The Federal Government rarely shuts down , but ice is the great equalizer when it comes to traffic . If it was just snow , that 's one thing . Ice makes it significantly worse . We won 't know for sure until morning , however . If we get a day off , it means Melody and I will spend the day decorating for Christmas . I would like to get some of the Christmas lights put up outside , and we need to clear out an area for a tree . We 're already well past the time when we would go out and cut down a tree , so we 'll likely just head over to the tree lot that the Savage Fire Dept . hosts each year . We 've had good luck with them in the past . My wife died over nine years ago , and in all that time , I 've only had dreams about her about a half - dozen times . That makes me sad , though most of the dreams have not been " happy ending " dreams . But you might think that I would have a lot of dreams about someone who was such a significant part of my life . Maybe the Lord purposely keeps us from having dreams about loved ones who have passed on so that our healing can come about more quickly . I don 't know . . . One of the first dreams I had about my wife was in the first year after she died . It caught me by surprise , since I hadn 't had any dreams about her up until that point , so I actually felt a bit emotional when I woke up . The dream wasn 't a very happy one . In the dream , I was walking down the sidewalk in an unknown city far from here , and I bumped into her on the street . She apologized to me , said that she had to go , and she had remarried and started a family with someone other guy . It absolutely killed me , as it felt like I had been rejected by her . She just kept apologizing to me , but she had no intention of returning to her old life . Another dream was about her dying in a car accident , but coming back to let me know that she missed me , but had to " die " again and wouldn 't be able to come back . I could probably get this one analyzed by a professional and it would turn up all kinds of imagery , particularly related to being born again as a Christian . Anyway , it was tough having to say goodbye , but it felt like it was a chance to say goodbye . Last night 's dream was really different , but really captured her well . Teresa and I had taken many trips during our short married life , and this dream had us taking a trip to what appears to be a warm climate city , like Miami , or maybe even Los Angeles . It was a trip for us to relax and let our hair down , which sounds like the type of trip I need to take right now ! I was wearing a tux without a tie , and I had asked Teresa to dress up in something she normally wouldn 't wear , being how humble and conservative she was . She had on a sexy strapless satin white dress , cut well above her knees . She never would have worn something like that . But there we were , all dressed up , very relaxed , laughing together , having fun while we walked up the sidewalk near a beach . She looked so radiant , so beautiful , so much fun , and that , in turn , had me relaxed , something I sincerely have not felt in months . I don 't remember many details , and I woke up way too soon . While the dream stayed with me , unlike so many others I 've had , it has faded quite a bit since then . What an awesome dream ! As I said , I just don 't have enough dreams about my wonderful wife . I wish I had them more often . I just didn 't have enough time with her . Worse is that my daughter never got the chance to know her , since she died when Melody was only 5 months old . I 'm just glad that we will all be reunited one day . So happy for eternal life with our Lord and savior . I arrived at the school to pick up my daughter at the normal time . Just as I pulled up , I received a text message from the school stating that they were on lockdown as requested by the Howard County Police , all students were safe , and they would dismiss as soon as they got the all clear . It was odd timing only because it was just minutes before they would be dismissed normally . Parents had gathered as normal to pick up their kids , whether by car or by walking , and all could only stand around and wait as news of the lockdown was received . Their was no other news from the school or county , and no word on the news about why the school was on lockdown . I sat in my car for around 20 minutes , just waiting . The only other message I received from the school was a request to not call the school so as not to tie up the phone lines . I could see the front door of the school from where I was parked along the side of the main road , and there was no action . It was apparent that some parents attempted to request entry into the school , but a lockdown is a lockdown . No one was allowed to enter or exit the school . All we could do was wait . It was killing me not knowing what was happening . I had the typical worst - case scenarios running through my head , from a mass shooting to a bomb threat , though the absence of any emergency vehicles of any kind was a relief . I hedged my bets and decided to run down to the grocery store , only a mile away , to pick up a couple of prescriptions I needed . I held my cell phone in my hand the whole time , hoping to get a text message either letting parents know they could pick up their kids , or any kind of news as to what was going on . I had been listening to WTOP , the main news station for the area , but they made no mention of the lockdown . I picked up my prescriptions , then rushed back out and drove to the school again . There was no change . There were still many parents milling and walking around , and a long line of cars there to pick up their children . Fortunately , the weather wasn 't very cold , so I put the windows down on my car . I hoped that I might hear someone talking about what was happening . Finally , after over an hour , there was an announcement outside of the school . I couldn 't hear it , since I was too far away , but the crossing guard was going car to car letting the occupants know that they should park their cars , enter the school calmly , and bring ID to verify you are who you say you are . There would be two lines formed inside the school . As parents entered , they were given a release form to fill out in order to alert teachers as to who the parents were picking up . The parent would give one of the teachers the form along with a photo ID , the teacher would check to make sure the person with the ID was on the student 's authorized pickup list , then be sent around to the other side of the hallway where their child would be brought , and they could then exit . It was apparent that they had a release plan . Unfortunately , the parents totally screwed up that plan due to their selfishness and disregard for following instructions . It was a free for all . The two lines were formed and fine at the back , though there was a lot of confusion since nobody seemed to know what to do . The forms that needed to be filled out were being given out by one woman , and if you didn 't know she was the one to see for a form , you wouldn 't know you even needed a form . The next problem was that no one knew about the forms until we got inside , so how many people brought a writing utensil ? Fortunately , I was near a woman in line who let me borrow hers . Next , despite the orderly instructions to wait in line , a school employee would randomly yell out , " Fifth grade ? " , and every parent who had a fifth grader would rush to the head of the line , ahead of all of the other parents who were waiting in front of them . It was total chaos . You could see the frustration on the faces of many of the parents and the teachers and faculty . Patience was wearing thin . Some of the parents , though , didn 't seem to care . They only wanted to get their kid as soon as possible , and didn 't seem to care about anyone else . I waited patiently until the I got to the front of the line . I calmly gave the form and my driver 's license to a teacher , she checked me off , told me where to go to meet my daughter , and disappeared into the crowd . When I reached the other side , I didn 't have to wait very long . My daughter soon appeared , and I could see the relief on her face that I was there for her . However , we had to wait for a teacher to call her name . When that didn 't happen after five more minutes of waiting , with many other kids getting called before my girl , I got concerned , and so did she . Finally , she asked a teacher if she could go with me . That teacher asked me if I had the form . I calmly told her that I had given it to a teacher already who went to get my daughter . The teacher said , " I think I know what happened , " and she walked away with my daughter . By this time , I was starting to get a little be angry . The process seemed to be going all right despite the craziness with the parents , but now why was my daughter being singled out and not able to just leave with me ? Finally , they came back with the form , and we were able to leave . My daughter said that , when they called her name , the teacher didn 't wait for her , and she just followed the other kids to where I was supposed to pick her up . Since the teacher still had the form , she wasn 't cleared to leave . It was a simple mistake , but given the circumstances , it was maddening . I gave my girl a big hug , told her how much I loved her , and we trekked back to the car . We were very relieved to finally be home . So was Faithful Pup Scout , who was sitting in the kitchen with her legs crossed . We never did find out why the school was in lockdown , though I found out that another nearby school was also locked down . I truly believe that the school had the best of intentions with the entire experience today , but it could be better , and the parents would all be better served to follow the instructions they were given regarding the lockdown . I felt bad for the teachers and faculty . I don 't know if they get overtime for situations like this , but they deserve it . If only things could have been better arranged . If only the parents could be better behaved . It was truly a mess . Whew , today was another rough day ! It got much better as the day went along , but it was bad at the start , especially after arriving at work . I immediately had to deal with a continuation of the issues from yesterday , which had to do with issues between management and an employee . One manager , who is a very good guy and short to get angry , was furious over accusations by the employee that were blatantly false , and we had received proof overnight that the union had made the accusations without any evidence . The result was a rather contentious meeting between all of the parties . While the issues were resolved , tempers flared and tension still exists . It was a difficult meeting to be a part of . I 'm not at all used to this type of behavior , and dealing with it was a challenge . I came home late and in a bad mood , but coming home to my beautiful little girl made my day . I wanted to do something special given that the last few days were so difficult and I felt like I had not been giving her the attention she deserves . So I suggested that we head out to the Mall in Columbia , grab a bite to eat at the eatery , and go see Santa . She was all over that idea , kind of like peanut butter on toast , and off we went . Right after she finished her homework . We arrived at the Mall and grabbed some dinner . We decided to eat at Chick - Fil - A , and after a fine meal and enjoyable conversation ( no smart phones ) , we took a little walk around the Mall . Santa was all by himself , and he gave us a big wave as we approached . A jolly guy , was ol ' Santa ! Melody quickly ran over to Santa , and he invited her to sit on his lap . Several pictures were snapped as he asked her what she wanted for Christmas . She played it safe and said she wanted a new cage for her hamster , Macy , since she has gotten too fat . We got a few pictures , said goodbye , and continued to walk through the Mall . Melody had decided she wanted to buy something for herself . I told her that we were getting close to Christmas , and it didn 't make a lot of sense to spend her money on something on herself . She insisted , though , and had brought ten bucks with her . We ended up at the Disney Store , where , after at least 20 minutes of wandering the store , she finally settled on a stuffed Perry The Platypus . She paid for it , and we decided since it was getting late , we 'd better start heading home . As we left the Mall , I told Melody that we would drive through the Symphony of Lights at Merriweather Post . She was very excited , so off we went . Aside from the line attendant giving me a hard time about being a Steeler fan , we had a nice drive . The lights are a highlight for us every year . My girl loves Christmas lights , and the various shapes and characters made out of the lights are fun to see . We took our time , despite how many times we had cars behind us ride right up onto our bumper ( and moved to the side to allow them to pass ) , especially the large number of cars that keep their headlights on despite signs and announcements on the broadcast associated with the drive . Then we headed home . Santa has asked me on several occasions to fill in for him . It helps that I have a union suit and a fairly realistic beard and wig . It 's a fun gig . I 've served in the role at a few different churches I 've attended , a few family Christmas parties , at the office , and for my aunt , a story I 've shared on this blog . Having the costume is helpful in other ways , too . One night , several years back , the University of Maryland Terrapins were playing a Thursday night football game that was to be nationally broadcast on ESPN . A few friends and I got tickets for the game . That morning , it had snowed , and by game time , it was well below freezing . I decided to wear the Santa suit to the game thinking that I might end up getting on TV . Everyone loves seeing Santa at a football game . We arrived at Byrd Stadium for the game and realized that ice had collected on the concrete on the stairs of the upper deck , where our seats were located . We were sitting pretty high up , which was bad enough with my fear of falling , but the ice made me fear that I could actually fall . I had hoped to be on TV , but now I was afraid I might slip and fall , and the sight of Santa rolling down from the upper deck of the stadium might make the evening news . It was so cold , and the wind was blowing very hard , so we decided to leave at halftime . I recorded the game , and checking the tape later , I saw that I never got on the air . Having a Santa suit gave me a great idea for a Halloween costume one year . I went as Santa Claus ! I actually had a lot of fun , and Santa was the hit of the party . I found it kind of easy to just fall into the role , and my normal introvertedness took a back seat to Santa being the life of the party . I also found out that several young ladies at the party had a " thing " for Santa . While that meant plenty of them wanted to sit on Santa 's lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas , none of them actually wanted to sit under the tree with Santa and watch the twinkling stars in the night sky . Oh , well . . . . the beard wasn 't exactly conducive for making out . It covered up too much of my face and lips . I 've had a few gigs that required me to arrive in character , which meant wearing the suit to the location . It is a blast to be driving down the Beltway dressed as Santa and waving to little kids in the cars I passed . The looks I got were priceless . Playing Santa is a lot of fun . The best was being Santa for my little girl , though . When she was a baby , it made getting pictures with Santa very easy . . . Dating is really hard . I hate it . It 's not fun , except when it is . When you have success , especially when you only have to be successful once ( leading to marriage ) , it is fun and actually feels pretty good . But most of the time , the odds of success are pretty slim , depending on who you are and who you are dating . I was kind of lucky , I guess . I only seriously dated two young ladies before I met the woman who I married . I dated a lot more women who I had every intention of dating seriously , but I very seldom went with on a second date . A part of this is because I was so picky . Ridiculously picky . I was pretty clueless , too , when a woman showed interest in me . I missed out on a few dates with some wonderful young ladies just because I didn 't recognize the signs of their interest . Renee , who was in the University of Maryland 's Mighty Sound of Maryland Marching Band with me , became a good friend while we were in the band , and practically threw herself at me ( I was told later ) , but I showed absolutely no interest in her because I just didn 't realize it , and I was also afraid of messing up our friendship . I ruined our friendship as a result , because there really wasn 't a friendship . She wanted a relationship with me , and I didn 't respond . So she looked for someone else . Yeah , I was dumb . I guess I shouldn 't complain . I did marry the woman I believe God prepared for me , and me for her , and we had a wonderful , almost storybook - like marriage . If it had worked out with Renee , or any other of the young ladies I dated , I wouldn 't have had the wonderful experience with Teresa . Unfortunately , my marriage lasted less than five years . I don 't think anyone would have predicted that she would die at such a young age . So , eventually , I was back where I started . . . back in the dating pool , just older . I really didn 't want to be back in the pool , though . As I mentioned , I hated dating . I didn 't want to have to go through it again , especially when I thought I was done with it . So I 've had my fair share of dating . In fact , I 've probably dated more since Teresa 's death than I ever did before I met her . And , just as before , I 've been on very few second dates . Dating makes me miserable . I 've been happy when things are going well , but that isn 't very often . To make matters worse , I caught a look of myself in a mirror recently while out in public and I didn 't like the sight that greeted me . I 'm not in very good shape . I 'm certainly not prepared to make a good first impression on anyone I might want to date . Not that I 'm having any luck there , either . The latest dating site I 'm on has attracted zero women who I might be interested in dating , and those I 've shown interest in have not returned that interest . And though I know there is only so much you can learn about a person on a dating site , the women who HAVE shown an interest in me do not come close to the preferences I 've outlined on my profile . I should follow my cousin 's advice . Jamie is one of my favorite cousins who is constantly sending me advice about dating and how easy it is ( though I think it 's important to mention that she married young ) . She is very much an extrovert and does find meeting people very easy . Not me , the classic introvert . Anyway , Jamie is always telling me to just walk right up to someone I 'm attracted to and feed them a line . She says it almost always works . I honestly find that hard to believe . I 'm thinking I might just give up on actively trying to date and just wait until my little girl is older and goes off to college . It would probably be easier to fine someone who matches up well with me , instead of someone who matches up with me AND my daughter . And even though I feel like my daughter has been cheated out of having a mom , since she lost hers when she was just a baby , that 's probably going to be easier for me . In the meantime , unless you really think I 'm a lost cause , feel free to send pics and profiles of women looking for a nice guy to date . Maybe it will work out . . . . who knows . Life is crazy that way . Matthew 16 : 23 - " But he turned and said to Peter , ' Get behind me , Satan ! You are a hindrance to me . For you are not setting your mind on the things of God , but on the things of man . ' " Patricia Graynamore : " I wonder where we 'll end up ? " Joe Banks : " Away from the things of man , my love . . . away from the things of man . " - JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANOIsaiah 41 : 10 - " So do not fear , for I am with you ; do not be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " 1 Peter 5 : 10 - " And the God of all grace , who called you to his eternal glory in Christ , after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong , firm and steadfast . " Titus 2 : 7 - 8 - " In everything set them an example by doing what is good . In your teaching show integrity , seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned , so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us . " John 15 : 13 - " Greater love has no one than this , that he lay down his life for his friends . " Joshua 24 : 15 - " As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord . " James 1 : 2 - 4 - " Consider it pure joy , my brothers , whenever you face trials of many kinds , because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance . Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything . " Philippians 4 : 8 - " Finally , brothers and sisters , whatever is true , whatever is noble , whatever is right , whatever is pure , whatever is lovely , whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things . " Luke 2 : 14 - " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace , good will toward men . " " Don 't judge a man by where he is , because you don 't know how far he has come . " - C . S . Lewis " Be courteous to all , but intimate with few , and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence . " - George Washington " No man is a failure who has friends . " - Clarence the Angel , IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE " Please watch out for each other and lovPictures used on this site are copyright © of their respective owners and will be removed upon request . Today was a nice day . The weather was gorgeous , clear with low humidity , and a nice breeze . I immediately was regretting that we had our b . . . I fell in love . Again . She 's wonderful . And beautiful . They always are . All of them . This time it 's Lauren Schneider . She . . . |
I have been writing here occasionally about my horse experiences , old and new . I decided to make a new blog about that because this blog has in the past mostly been about my motorcycle riding adventures . Sometimes those who like one do not like the other , so I decided to separate the two interests . If you are enjoying or curious about the continuing saga of my quest to regain my former ( equestrian ) self , I invite you to subscribe to my new ( additional ) blog here : https : / / arabianhorselover . wordpress . com I will be continuing this blog to chronicle my motorcycle riding adventures as they unfold . I am not giving up my two - wheeled mounts ! Thank you so much for your continued support . - Jo After last week , a week of being immersed in the Arabian horse show experience , I am left again with many regrets that I was no longer a part of that life . Way back in the ' 80s when I came to Arizona , I should have done something about this . But , I didn 't . I left my horses in Wisconsin in 1980 , basically because my parents wanted to retire . The story has been told here previously . I wish my parents would have waited a little while , maybe a year or two , so I could get myself together ( I was just a kid ) and figure out how I could make happen what I wanted to , which was to be an Arabian horse trainer . I understand wanting to retire to someplace warm , but I wish they would have listened even a little bit to what my dream was . Back then , parents told their kids what to do , and the kids didn 't have a choice . There wasn 't any respect for kids as people , people who had their own vision for their future . We were just " kids , " an inconvenience . Not like now , when parents cater to their kids ' every desire . I had to do what I was told to do , which was move to Arizona . The timing was bad . In the 1980s , after the heyday for Arabians in the late 1970s through the mid - 1980s , everything went down the toilet . People put a lot of money into those horses , and tax loopholes existed so Arabian horses used in breeding operations could be depreciated . There were also many other ways that owning Arabians could be financially beneficial . After the tax reform act of 1986 , this all came to an end . Many people who could barely afford to get into it to begin with were left holding the bag . The bottom fell out of everything , and almost every owner or trainer was affected in some way . I tried to get into the Arabian circle in Arizona during that time , but since I no longer had a horse , I wasn 't able to ride and show anymore , and therefore wasn 't able to prove my worth . When I talked to people at the big farms , no one knew who I was . In the Midwest , the response would have been , " Oh , you 're the girl who … " When I got here , it was , " wait , who did you say you are ? ? " I was nobody , that 's who . People do not get to pick which " talent " they will be born with , and mine was working with horses . Since I left the horse business behind , I have engaged in an unending progression of sports and activities to try to find something to fill the void left by the horses . Not surprisingly , nothing did . This past week , when I went to the annual Scottsdale Arabian horse show , I hadn 't been to a real horse show in a long time , probably since the last one I showed in , maybe in 1978 ( ? ) . I suddenly wanted to go , and , as a bonus , I found out that my friend and mentor , Juli , was going to be there , too . I 've already written the story of our reunion , and really , in some ways , even though I love her and I loved being temporarily back in that world , it made me feel worse . Again , I acutely felt the loss . I noticed how the horses were bigger , flashier , the shapes of their heads more exaggerated than what I remembered . The breeding over the last 30 years has changed things . The competition in the ring was tough ; the days of having an $ 800 " backyard " horse were long gone . Hard work , talent , and a little bit of luck would no longer be the only things I would need . All that means , though , is that I would have had to work harder . But I know now that I wouldn 't have been sorry in the long run . Being at the show took me right back to where I had been , and I had the same feelings of never wanting it to end , even though I was not riding . I watched the classes that I would have been in , and it was almost like I was in it myself . I was looking at the classes as a competitor . I was re - absorbed into the horse show culture as if I had never left . As the show ended last week , I even had that tired , depressed feeling I used to have at the end . But back then it was only temporary , since I would usually get to compete in another show within the next week or two . This time , I will have to wait another year for the next Scottsdale show , and I almost certainly won 't be competing . Training horses is the only thing I knew how to do , the only true talent that I have . I think my husband would have even enjoyed the horse life with me once he got into it . It would have been a much happier existence for both of us , especially for me . My horse life would have been better than the long line of meaningless , low - paying jobs that I have had to endure . I did not want a life of suffering through dull days of a 9 - 5 job inside a claustrophobic building , just wanting every day to end . I was so afraid of that , but sadly , that is what I got . I hope my schoolkids listen to me when I tell them to do everything they can to find their own talent and capitalize on it so they can have an enjoyable life . Of course kids never understand what that means . I didn 't . Like them , I was too young to understand . I wish I had had more information so I could have made a better decision . I wish I had set up a support system for myself that would have allowed me to stay where I was , or at least return in a couple of years . But I had heard the " we 're moving to ( fill in the blank ) " statement too many times from my parents to know which one was the real one . By the time I realized that it was real , it was too late . I wasn 't strong ( or brave ) enough to stand up for what I really wanted . I walked into the cavernous building with anticipation , and some nervousness . After all , the person with whom I was meeting was someone I had last seen about 35 years ago . She was such a big part of my life when I was a young girl , and then , abruptly , she was no longer there . I have missed her , and my old life , ever since . I never would have thought when I last saw her that so many years would pass before I 'd see her again . What would it be like to reconnect with her , to talk to her once more ? I would soon find out ! I first met my friend and mentor , Juli , when I was about 11 years old , and she was 16 . We lived in Wisconsin , and my family was just getting into owning , riding , and showing Arabian horses . Almost everything that I know about horses , riding , and showing , I learned from Juli . I was young and impressionable , and I looked up to her so much . I learned more than " horse stuff " from Juli ; I learned my work ethic from her , and through our experiences traveling to the horse shows , it awakened the desire to travel and live an adventuresome , gypsy - like existence . I also won a lot when I showed horses , and that was due to Juli 's help . I arrived early in anticipation of meeting her . I was at the Scottsdale Arabian horse show in Scottsdale , Arizona , near where I now live . Sadly , I had not been to a horse show in years , and when I walked into the Equidome , all the memories and emotions came flooding back . There was a western pleasure class going on in the show ring , and I stood off to the side and watched . Things had changed , and yet they were still the same . There were the same beautiful horses in the ring , probably even more beautiful than when I was showing . The riders were wearing the same type of colorful clothing , but flashier , with more rhinestones , and the horses ' tack had more silver and adornments . There were few horses in the ring , but that was because the class was a championship class , and these horses were the finalists from other , larger classes . The young girls that milled around in the spectators ' area where I was were dressed in the usual horse show chic : dressed half for the show ring , and half for the barn , overly made up , their hair perfect , but wearing jeans and old boots . I remembered those times when I had been dressed like that , when I felt like I hardly dared to move for fear of messing up my hair ! When I looked at those girls , I saw my own face , but 40 years ago . I thought about how weird it was to think that . Back then , at that age , I couldn 't have imagined what it was going to be like when I became my current age . No one thinks it 's going to happen to them . When you are a teenager , the world beyond the next few minutes doesn 't even exist . When I saw Juli approaching me , I recognized her immediately . I waved . She didn 't see me the first time , so I walked closer . I waved again , and this time she saw me . Her face lit up in a smile , a face I knew so well , but didn 't know anymore . " You look just the same ! " she said , kindly lying a little bit . " Tell me everything that 's happened ! " I said , kind of meaning it , but knowing it wasn 't going to be possible in an hour 's time . We both laughed again , like old friends do . We went to get coffee in the combination vendor and snack area just outside the arena . The classes were over for a little while , and Juli , who was one of the judges , had a break . We got our drinks and found a table . We talked about horse shows , jobs I 've had , our families , people we used to know , some that are still around in the horse business . Juli has been a professional trainer all these years , and it was a life that I had wanted . I will always regret that things didn 't work out for me to stay in the Arabian horse world . It hurts me more than anyone will ever know . An hour and a half flew by , and Juli had to get back to the judges ' platform . It was so hard to hug her good - bye , and wonder when I would get to sit and talk to her again . After we parted , I wandered around the vendors ' booths , looking at show clothing ( incredibly expensive now ) , tack , and all kinds of souvenir t - shirts . I wanted one , but restrained myself from spending $ 30 on a t - shirt . Then , I walked back to the arena , and this time there was an English pleasure - type class in the ring . The horses were Half - Arabians , and all looked as if they were half Saddlebreds , always a showy , beautiful combination . They were stunning , and again , I saw myself as I had been so many years ago . I wanted to stay for the rest of the day . I slowly walked to my car , and left the horse show world behind , at least for now . I wondered again how I could make it happen that I could go back . At this point , I will be lucky to be able to ride a " real " horse again . I went home , and the rest of my day was spent in a fog of emotion and memories even as I enjoyed a photo shoot . I don 't know what the answer is to my longing to go back in time and " fix " my horse life , because that may not be possible . I want to ride regularly again , but it won 't be the same . One thing I do know , though , is that I will do my best to not let so much time pass before I see Juli again . Maybe by talking to her and being with her , I can come to some form of acceptance of my fate . But I know myself , I won 't accept anything without a fight . I don 't want to give up the dream . My horse riding Saturday didn 't start out too badly . I got to sleep in for 15 more minutes than I did last month , and it is starting to cool down . The downside , though , is , because of the recent heavy rain , the mosquitoes are unbelievable . When I got to Patty 's house at 6 : 45 Saturday morning to ride , she was already getting the horses out of their stalls . She said the mosquitoes were bad , and when I looked at the horses , I saw that that was true . They were all over the horses . The sorghum field behind her property had been cut , but there was so much standing water that the mosquitoes were having a breeding extravaganza . Today I rode Bella , the third of Patty 's horses , and now I 've ridden all of them . Bella is the horse that ended up in the concrete irrigation ditch a couple of months ago . She is the least trained of all the horses . Another friend of Patty 's , Kathy , arrived about five minutes after I did , and we saddled up . Patty was going to ride Benny and " pony " Rosie , a horse that belongs to a neighbor who is temporarily laid up after shoulder surgery . So , all four horses were going to get out for some exercise . Before we mounted , we all walked down to Rosie 's barn and picked her up . None of the horses were too happy , and they seemed irritable before we even started . Bella backed up a little when I mounted , but not too bad . She was just not happy with anything , nor were the others . Kathy went up front with Snickers because that is where he likes to be , Bella was in the middle , and Patty on Benny with Rosie on the lead rope were in the back . Bella relaxed a little , but then she was kind of spooky as we crossed busy Greenfield Rd . Once we got over into the " brush " she was calmer , but then we all looked at our horses - they were covered in mosquitoes despite being sprayed with repellent before we 'd left ! All of them were very cranky , and Benny was fussing with Rosie because he didn 't like her too close to him . We didn 't go far , and then Patty said , " let 's go back . " I agreed with her ! She apologized for the short ride since both Kathy and I have to drive some distance to get to her house , but I did not have a problem with that . At least I got to ride for a little while . The horses were a little happier when we turned toward home , but the insects were still horrible . Patty said , " let 's go around the ( sorghum ) field for a lap , and then I can drop off Rosie right before we get back to my house . " Bella was calm , but I also remembered that there was a narrow lane to walk through with a really deep irrigation ditch on the side of it . I wasn 't worried , but I knew it was " there . " Bella was actually okay when she was out front as we turned east , but then Snickers caught up to her and she became irritated again . As we turned north , Snickers was in front , and Patty was in front of Bella , too , with her two horses . I was aware of the ditch next to me , and then , right in front of me , there were two deep holes in the dirt . Bella shied , and pulled back , starting to back up toward the ditch ! I put my left leg into her and straight - reined her away from it . Luckily , she calmed back down and walked forward . The rest of the ride was less tense , but not relaxing at all . I will be honest , when I got to Patty 's gate and dismounted , I was glad . I still had a good riding day , and it wasn 't really fair to judge Bella on that ride . It was just an irritable ride for all the horses , and she hadn 't been out for a few days . But , if I were Patty , I would find a way to do some work with Bella . She needs some direction and training , and not just going out on trails . She needs to learn what cues from a rider mean , and how to put her body where it should be . My horses would have been like that , too , if I hadn 't worked hard with them . After we un - tacked the horses and hosed them off , we put them out in the small pasture behind the stalls . Kathy left , and I helped Patty unload hay bales from her pickup . That was fun , too , because I got a little bit of a workout , and I felt like I was doing something useful for Patty in return for getting to ride her horses every week ! I was to ride Snickers again , but when I brought the saddle out to put it on him , he pulled back , his eyes rolling . He was already getting upset , and I wondered why . Maybe I was still unfamiliar to him , so Patty put the saddle on for me . He was acting nervous and keyed up when I led him out of the get - ready area , and then when I tried to mount , he started to back up and dance around . He was trying to test me . So , Patty suggested a little walk along the edge of the sorghum field to calm him down . During our walk , I had a little chat with Mr . Snickers . As we walked back to the gate at Patty 's backyard , he seemed calmer . But then when I wanted to mount , he started to back up again . I asked him to " whoa , " and he was listening , but he did this a few times , with less backing up each time . Finally , he stood still , and I quickly mounted . He moved forward one step , but then I think he got the message that I wasn 't going to put up with it and stood reasonably quietly while Patty got on Bella . He was not calm , though . Patty said something to me then that made sense : she mentioned that he had been a roping horse , and whenever the rider sits forward on a roper , the horse starts to anticipate an action . I am mainly an English rider , either saddle seat or dressage , and I think I sit too far forward at times on a Western saddle . The minute I moved my weight back and relaxed into the saddle , Snickers dropped his head and relaxed too . I know you are thinking why would she get on a horse that was nervous to begin with ? There are times when I would not , but I felt that Snickers was going to be fine once I got on him , and he was . I still can " sense " how a horse is feeling , and I thought he was trying to see how much he could get away with . I also think I made him nervous last week when we rode the " urban obstacle course " because I was sitting forward , a little nervous myself , and squeezed him too hard with my leg cues . I am still learning how to ride him , and it helps to know his background in roping . After we got started on the ride , we immediately had to cross a busy street . Snickers was still a little " nervy , " but he was alright . He always has to look at the curb ; maybe it feels too far down for him , but after he looks , he is okay with it . Patty was behind me on Bella , and we were talking to each other for most of the ride . I think the horses like the sound of our voices . But I also talk to whichever horse I am riding because I like to interact with whoever it is . Snickers definitely needs interaction . And , whoever rides him needs to be somewhat on alert all the time . He definitely has his own strong personality . He kind of reminds me of Victor , the half - Arabian gelding that our family owned when I was 12 years old . He taught me all I needed to know about horse shows . I 'm sure Snickers could teach me all I needed to know about roping if I was into that . One thing that I would do if I owned Snickers is have him do " arena work . " That is the current term for what I used to do in the ring , in other words , training on an oval and using that area for working . For example , I would walk , jog , and lope with him both directions , and work with him on figure eights , and just practice " bending " his body with leg pressure on serpentines or tight circles . That arena time is for working in a controlled area with the horse so he knows what to do when he is cued , and what to expect from his rider . The trail riding should be the icing on the cake . The time I spent with my horses in the ring at my house was training time , and I did it every day to build their stamina , and their muscles . It is a controlled place that doesn 't have a lot of distractions . But I do not own horses anymore , and I am grateful for any chance I get to ride . I still can 't get the idea of owning a horse again out of my mind . I would just love to work with one horse consistently and have him be mine to train . I can 't help it . We 'll see what the future brings . The sun came up later that morning , at 5 : 52 , much to my relief . The days are shortening , and the sun is moving more and more off top dead center . Thank goodness . At least there is slight relief in sight , but this morning I went out into the heat again . I think if I never had to be hot again in my life I would be so happy . And if the sun stayed behind a thick cover of clouds , that would make me ecstatic . It was very humid at Patty 's house , the sorghum field directly south of her house attracting tons of mosquitoes that make the horses miserable at night . It 's fortunate that the mosquitoes leave me alone , but the humidity affects me as much as everyone else . Patty 's neighborhood is an island of horse properties , an island of calm , somewhat open land in the middle of urban busy - ness . It wasn 't always that way , of course . All the buildings and streets grew up around her home after she moved there . Now , as you may imagine , it becomes more and more of a challenge to find a place to ride the horses where it is open and safe . I was on Snickers , a pretty palomino gelding , as I was last week . He is kind of " growing " on me . I 've only ridden him twice including yesterday , but I like that he has a strong personality and does more than plod along like Benny does . I love Benny for that , but at the moment I like how Snickers is . He is very aware of " everything , " and he has to look at everything carefully . Sometimes he isn 't real sure about what he sees , and has it in the back of his mind that it might hurt him . I can feel when he is about to shy at something , so I start talking to him in a calming voice . It 's amazing how similar dealing with horses is to dealing with kids in school ! We left Patty 's yard at 7 : 10 , and crossed Greenfield Rd . to avoid having to walk on the sidewalk on the east side . We crossed back over to the east side at Ryan Rd . Patty calls this ride the Ryan Loop because of Ryan Rd . , and Snickers had been looking at the big sheds and scary things along it before we had even crossed back over Greenfield . His head was up and his ears were forward . The lane was lined with fences on one side , and oleander bushes ( poisonous , don 't know why people want to plant them ) behind which there was a yard where big trucks were parked . Patty said that sometimes those trucks are running and making a lot of noise , and the horses get upset because they can 't see the source of the noise behind the oleanders . I could see because I was on Snickers ' back and therefore able to see over the bushes . We came to the first major obstacle - a gate near a canal ditch that was a block wall with a narrow staggered opening . Snickers was going to have to snake his body through it without tearing my knees off . Fortunately , I had known this would come up and had some protection on my left knee that still hurts from the spectacular dirt bike crash last January . I guided Snickers up to it , but then I pushed too hard with my left leg . He jumped through the opening to the other side , brushing my right knee on the block wall to the right . I quickly had him under control , but then Patty had to come through on Bella . A few weeks ago , Bella had ended up in a deep concrete irrigation ditch and was just barely back under saddle . She was lucky she hadn 't broken any bones in that mishap , and I am really amazed that she has recovered so quickly . Anyway , I was worried because Patty couldn 't see me on the other side , and I also worried that Bella wouldn 't go through because she 'd seen Snickers leap through then disappear . In a few moments , though , Patty and Bella came through quietly , and all was well . We walked down the lane next to the ditch , and on either side , dogs were barking and running up to the fence . Both horses were really good about this , though . Snickers was still looking at everything , head up , eyes scanning , ears forward . Then we came to another gate , but this one wasn 't as tight . He went through that one fine , and then we turned south along the canal . I was thinking about how this ride wasn 't much different from riding in the White Mountains - only the obstacles were different . Instead of rocks , logs , and the possibility of big cats and bears , here in the urban environment there were ditches , electrical boxes , concrete irrigation boxes , big trucks , and dogs . I wondered what my favorite sure - footed mountain horse , Cisco , would have made of all the crazy things here . We rode south for a while , the cool breeze hitting us at last . The sun was bouncing off the water in the canal and the reflection was super hot . We were all sweating like crazy , but the breeze was somewhat cooling . Then we turned west and were paralleling a busy road with all manner of cars , trucks , motorcycles , and bicyclists . The horses seemed to be used to it and dealt with it all without being afraid . By this time Snickers was much more relaxed and had dropped his head a bit . It takes a lot of energy to be on alert for so long , and he had relaxed into the ride . Plus , I think he knew he was almost home at that point , so he was focused on that . Finally , we turned onto the dirt alleyway behind Patty 's property , and soon we were home . As we dismounted , I realized how sweaty the horses were . I 'd felt it on Snickers ' neck when I patted him from time to time , but his whole body was drenched by the time we got home . The ride had taken only about an hour , but the hour had flown by , packed with focused , engaged riding . So , it was fun ! It all started when one of my friends mentioned that she had been looking for her next horse on Craig 's List . She said there were a lot of good trail horses out there , and she was tempted to get another one . I thought about that for a while , and the next time I sat down with my laptop , I remembered what she 'd said . After sorting through many ads , most of which showed me again how many people really have no idea what they are doing when it comes to horses , I found a great little horse . What really caught my eye was the expression on his face in one of the photos provided by the owner . I thought , that horse is smart , he is thinking while he is looking at the person taking that photo . The horse 's name is Jak , he is an eight - year - old bay Arabian gelding , and in the photo he was standing at the edge of a rocky part on a trail . That told me that he was calm enough to be on a trail , and in another photo , he was being used as a packhorse on what looked like a hunting trip , amazing since this guy is only 14 . 3 hands . In yet another photo , he looked more spirited , showing me that he could be calm when you need him to be but he has enough " spirit " to be enjoyable . I sighed . I love that horse , I thought , but there is NO WAY I am buying a horse . As you know , I grew up with Arabians , and that is what I would want if I ever got another horse . I have heard all the comments : " That is a suicide horse , " " they are too spooky , " " they are crazy . " But Arabians are what I am used to , and still what I would prefer . Luckily , I went on vacation the day after looking for horses on CL , so I left town and was on my motorbike for the next week . I found myself still thinking about Jak , though . As I rode my motorbike , many wild dreams flitted through my head , even when I should have been paying more attention to what I was doing . I was thinking about how much fun it would be to go trail riding with my friends on my own horse . Then there was the dream about maybe he would even be good enough to show in western pleasure classes in Arabian shows ! I could take him and train him up as I had with my gray gelding , Dom , who became a champion . Jak could be the next chapter in my " horse saga , " a chapter that I hoped was still to be written . Soon , I returned from vacation , and came back down to Earth . I didn 't even go on Craig 's List for a few days , and when I did , I could not find Jak anymore . Duh , I thought , a good horse isn 't going to last long . I told myself it 's just as well , I didn 't want to have to choose between horses and motorbikes , because the reality is if I own a horse , the expense is so much greater than owning bikes . It 's not just throw some fuel in , ride it , and then let it sit until I feel like taking it out next time . Horses need constant attention and care . For now , my friend lets me come over and ride her horses with her . She says they don 't get ridden enough because she has three and can 't ride them often enough . I am " helping " her by riding them . Great ! I will take that opportunity and enjoy it . Every Saturday morning I drive over to her house , we groom and tack the horses , ride for about an hour , and then clean up . We will get to ride longer when the weather cools off , but for now I am very happy with being able to do this ! Today I rode her horse named Snickers . Before this week , I rode Benny , a 20 + year - old gelding who moved very slowly . He is nice , and I like him . Riding Snickers was fun today , too , although I had to be more " on alert " because he was looking at everything . I thought he might spook at a couple of things , but I kept talking to him and he was a good boy , too . Right now , I want my horse life back , but the question is how far do I go to get it ? Is it too late ? Will I be satisfied with riding other people 's horses ? Will I be satisfied not training up a horse for me to succeed with ? That was one of the things I loved most when I rode as a teenager - the sense of achievement and accomplishment that I got from working with a horse that could have languished indefinitely hidden in a dark barn . I made him into " something " from " nothing . " |
The park was nearly deserted , strange since the weather was perfect . Little Jake , Wolf and his dog Shaggy were the only ones there . There was an empty plastic box , so I pulled it over and was about to sit down . Jake handed me his jacket to sit on . " You 're welcome . Do you want to know why nobody 's here . Because our crew is a bunch of assholes . That 's why . Do you know what I did yesterday when I got my check . First I paid all my bills , then I lent the rest of my money to friends . Do you see anybody here to pay me back ? No ! I did it just to see what would happen . Now I know . " I gave Jacques two hundred dollars . I saw him this morning and he gave me back fifty . He said he 'd give me the rest back Monday . ' Monday ! ' I said , ' how am I going to get through the weekend with only fifty bucks ? ' Wolf said , " Jake , he was doing you a favor , You know he 's good for the money . You got two bottles , you got cards to get meals , you got your pot . What else do you need ? " I was panning at my usual spot - Weasel 's old spot ; you wouldn 't believe how people were rushing around . One woman ran across a red light , nearly got hit by a car , just to get to a cubicle in some government building , where she 's probably worked for twenty years . She risks her life just so she won 't be three minutes late ? Maybe her boss is a real asshole . How would I know ? It just seems so ridiculous , cars are edging through red lights and where 's it going to get them ? To the next block so they can do it all over again . " I worked for twenty years , but that was construction . We 'd work one place for a couple of months , then we 'd move somewhere else . There 'd be no work in the winter , so it 'd be pogey until late Spring . It wasn 't so bad . We sure didn 't rush like I saw this morning . Crazy ! " " Yeah , well , Inuk was over there . At around midnight Bruce and her were going at it , so I said , ' I can see that you two want to be alone , so I 'm outta here . ' He lives in the outskirts , I 've been walking nearly twenty - four hours . " " Oh man , I got lost three times . I zig zagged all over the place , up one street , down another . I started out going the wrong way . I 'd walked nearly out to the stadium . Hell , I 'd walked half way home to Deep River . I asked a bus driver how to get to Merivale Road . He said , ' Fuck man , you 're going the wrong way . You 've got a lot of walking to do . " It was the last bus , so I couldn 't even get a ride . " See my ear ? Danny did that to me . I was at Shakes ' place . Danny seems to be taking over . He has everything tidy . He 's running his life ! Anyway , I was talking to Shakes , Danny was going on about something , so I told him to fuck off . Next thing I know he 's punched me right in the ear . It 's still bleeding . I can take a punch to the jaw , but to the ear ? That 's just wrong . Anyway , I told Bruce about it . He 's going to take care of Danny . " " My mother said I couldn 't come home until I got a haircut . Well , I got a haircut , so there 's no excuse there . It 's only fifty - five bucks , but I think I 'll hitchhike , just because of the freedom . I 'll meet people . Maybe I 'll get dropped off at Arnprior and have to get another ride there . Who knows ? " I went to the food bank this morning and picked up a few things . Because I 've got AIDS I get to go to the Living Room . I can go once every two weeks . They give me really good food there , bags of it . Problem is I can 't carry very much . When Shark goes there He brings a friend with a truck . They gave me a choice six eggs or a half pound of hamburger . I took the hamburger . They said if I wanted I could have a can of beef stew instead of the hamburger . What would you have taken ? … The hamburger , of course . I love hamburgers . " Wolf said , " It 'll be cold cuts for me . Tony came by this morning and gave me some bologna , sliced chicken and turkey , potatoes , broccoli and a red pepper . He 's really good to me - comes by once a week . " Six up , behind you . " Jake hid his open bottle of sherry between his legs . Two uniformed police officers rode up on bicycles . One asked , " What are you guys up to ? " " Yes , officer , you sure can . " Wolf handed him his health card . " The officer wrote a liquor violation ticket and handed it to Wolf . He then picked up the open can and turned it over . The officer said , " We see you 've got another bottle in your bag . We 'll let you keep that . Just try to be a little more discreet , Jake . Have a good day . " They left . Wolf said , " It could have been worse . I 've still got beer in my bottle , you 've got a bottle and some pot in your bag . " I sat next to Magdalene , she seemed upset . " Hi Dennis , will you talk to me ? Nobody else wants to talk to me . I 'll tell you the truth , I fight people , men , women , it doesn 't matter . I want to talk with my mother . I dream about her every night . I think she still loves me , but I 've done bad things . " " Drinking . Her liver quit working . When I was in hospital , and they cut me open , they said my liver was falling away in pieces . " She pulled some grass and sprinkled it . " Just like that . " " I 'm sure your mother still loves you and is very proud of you . She 's looking down on you right now . There 's no such thing as good or bad . It 's a matter of choices and consequences . You may have made choices in your past that you now regret , but the past is over , it 's gone ; nothing can be done about it . It doesn 't define who you are now . It 's only what you do next that is important . You have lots of choices and I know you 'll make the best of them . You 'll do what 's best for you . Only you know what that is . " ( When not panning for change , Magdalene has worked as a prostitute . ) " Do you think so ? I was talking on the phone to my aunt . I told her about everything that 's happened to me . She asked me to come home . She said , ' Give me one good reason why you can 't come home right now . ' I said , ' Because I 'm drunk . ' She said , ' At least you 're honest . ' I only drink , I don 't do drugs and I 'm not crazy . " " On Friday I get my check . I 'll go home then . Do you have a phone so I can call my aunt ? Mariah let me use hers , but just for a minute . " " No , it 's not okay . Sometimes I want to kill myself . See these scars on my neck . Three times I tried to cut my throat . " " I can understand you feeling that way . I 've felt that way before , but think of all the people who love you , your friends , your family . They would miss you terribly . " I had two books for Wolf . One was Lullaby Town by Robert Crais . The other was The Chamber by John Grisham . " Thanks , Dennis , I 've read a lot of John Grisham books , but I haven 't read this one . Robert Crais , I haven 't heard of him , but it looks good . " Bearded Bruce was sitting on the other side of me . " Robert Crais is good . You 'll like that . When you 've finished it I can give you some more by him . Nancy brought me a book today , Whirlwind . It 's the third in a series by James Clavell . I 've read nearly all of his books . When I get on to an author I want to read everything they 've written . I 've read Shogun , King Rat , Noble House , Tai - Pan . He 's great . " " Dennis , " said Wolf , " Did I tell you about my adventure this morning . Of course I didn 't you just got here . The tire on Shaggy 's cart went flat . You can see why it went flat , there is no tread on the tire . Anyway , I was talking to Abigail , and she suggested that I go to the sports store , and ask for Darsh . Those are two funny names , aren 't they ; Abigail and Darsh ? She said to mention her name to Darsh and he would charge it to her account . That 's a nice gesture isn 't it ? It took me about half an hour to walk there and I asked , ' Is there a Darsh who works here ? ' The owner said , ' There is , but it 's his day off today . Can someone else help you ? ' I said , ' Sure , ' I had to get the tire fixed . Shaggy can 't walk all the way home by herself since she was hit by the car . I asked , ' How much ? ' He said , ' Seven dollars for the tire , eight dollars for the labor . ' What do you think of that ? Anyway , I didn 't mind paying fifteen or eighteen dollars - whatever it was . I had a twenty . Shaggy is all I got . I don 't mind spending money on her . So , until next time , the tire 's as good as new . That was my adventure for today . " " It 's no good for panning . I do better when it 's thirty below . The best I can do now is twenty or thirty bucks and that 's doing three shifts , about eleven hours a day . In winter I can make that much in three hours . " I don 't know who will be taking over . He was a great guy . He 's the reason I was able to get such a nice place . He knows I 'm a bum that panhandles for a living , but he took a chance on me . I really appreciated that . One time he gave me a huge television set . It was twelve years old , but it worked fine . All I had to do was carry one end and we brought it to my place . " I don 't know what he died of . He was only forty - seven years old . Maybe it was the drinking , I don 't know . Maybe he took his own life . " " Yeah , she 's okay . She was here earlier , but left because of this one , " pointing down at Magdalene . Also she wanted to see Big Jake . " On my way down the sidewalk I saw Darren who I haven 't seen for about a year . " Hi Darren , how are you ? Do you remember me ? We 've spoken a few times where the benches used to be . It was about a year ago . " As I walked toward the park , Loon staggered towards me . " Hi Dennis , " he said as he shook my hand . With no teeth he mumbled something I couldn 't understand . After three tries I gathered that he was saying , " Hippo and Outcast are up there . I bought beer and vodka . Now , nobody will even give me a drink . " Outcast stood and offered me the crate on which he was sitting , saying , " You 're only going to be here a short time . I can stand . " He wouldn 't take no for an answer . He said , " I have to get home soon anyway to guard my groceries . " " No , I 'm sleeping on Big Chester 's couch - not the guy from Newfoundland . I got a big bag of groceries yesterday from the Food Bank . I said to him , ' I 'm going to take a nap . Don 't eat all the treats . We 'll share them later . ' When I woke up he 'd eaten all the cookies , chips and candies . I was pissed . I said , ' Jesus Christ , you could have left something for me ! After all I got the stuff . ' I cooked him a nice omelette with veggies on the side . " " Yeah , I 'm just waiting for the keys . They have to change the locks and do some other things , but I should be able to move in this week . It 's $ 579 . 00 a month , more than I was paying at my last place . I hope it doesn 't have electric heat . That would be expensive . " Outcast said , " Your worker was by this morning . I didn 't tell her that you were at the police station being fingerprinted . I didn 't know if you 'd want her to have that information . " " It 's because I had this bicycle lock that curls up . I was trying to pull it off my bike and it slipped out of my hand , crashing through the window of the apartment behind me . They have it all on closed circuit TV . I don 't know what the judge is going to say . I may have to pay a fine . I may go to jail . " " I ate breakfast there this morning . A giant cockroach climbed onto my table and was heading toward my sausage . I slammed him with my fist . Pow ! A guy behind the counter yelled , ' What 's all that banging about ? ' I yelled back at him , ' I just killed a big mother fuckin ' roach ! D ' ya wanna see it ? I should call the Health Department ! ' That shut him up . " " Good , I 'm doing landscaping . For the first couple of hours we sat waiting for supplies . My first job was raking cedar chips . I thought to myself , For $ 14 . 75 an hour , I can do this . A storm was on its way . Dark clouds were moving in . The air was heavy with humidity . The sun had disappeared from sight . I sat between Shakes and Magdalene who said , " Everybody thinks that Shakes is my father , but he 's not my father . My father is in prison for fifteen years , for rape and murder . " " No , my grandfather stopped him . I was raised by my grandparents . It happened when I was five years old . My father was drunk . He came into my bedroom and had his hand on my thigh . My grandfather came in and threw him down the stairs before he could do anything . It was a shock to me , a trauma . " Do you know why I was born ? One time my mom came home , opened the door and my father was fucking another woman . My mother jumped on her and punched her , then beat my father . Then she got a knife from the kitchen and she cut him from his right side up to his neck . He was just sitting there holding himself together . " She was going to kick him out , but he said , ' I want to have a child with you . If you do that for me I won 't report you to the cops . ' So she let him stay . Nine months later I was born . She died giving birth to me . That is a reason why I 'm here . That 's why I fight with men so much . " I just got out of jail for beating up my husband . I was in there two weeks . I didn 't eat anything . I felt too sick . I just drank water and they kept feeding me pills . " This morning I beat up three men . Alphonse just ran away . I just kept punching and punching them . See my knuckles , and the blood on my hands and shirt . When I catch Alphonse , I 'm going to beat him for running away . " " It 's been five months now , but today is hard . I was helping my boyfriend with roofing , we had an argument and were shouting at each other . I just had to get away . He gave me ten dollars , I bought some cigarettes and two cans of pop , but I really wanted something stronger . I still do . I 'm an inch away from taking a drink . " Jacques overheard part of the conversation , he asked , " Do you want a drink ? I have some here … You don 't drink any more ? I didn 't know … Five months ? I should quit drinking . " Loretta continued , " I finished my fifty hours of community service today . I have to go to court in two months . The prosecutor wants me to get jail time . My lawyer said that if I do extra community service it will look good when I go to court . Actually , I have fifty hours to do from two years ago . We figured that if I work one day a week , by the time of my court date , I 'll have it completed . If I don 't go to jail , I hope to go to secretarial school . Thanks for talking to me . I feel better now . " Loretta reached in her bag and pulled out a bandanna that she gave to Joy . " Cool , this is great . I 'll wear it tomorrow . People must be getting tired of me wearing this purple one all the time . " Chili continued , " If you wear baggy pants like these you can get a bunch of stuff . I 'm going to get two yellow scarves and one red one . I 'll sew them together like a flag . Brazil is my favorite soccer team . It 'll be like the Brazilian flag . " As I approached Joy , she smiled and said , " Another day in the neighborhood . It 's going to be a hot one … Oh no , here comes Chester . " " No , I didn 't stay long it was just too hot . Bearded Bruce was there . He complained the whole time about the heat . I said , ' Hey dude , if you 'd lose a few pounds it wouldn 't bother you so much . Just push yourself away from the dinner table ' … He doesn 't listen … " Yeah , I 'm comfortable staying at my present weight . Debbie and Little Jake seem to be living together now . He wasn 't out yesterday . Maybe he 'll stay home and she 'll do the boosting . " " Yeah , that was a laugh . I didn 't say anything , but the best thing she could do now is shave her whole head . There 's no way I 'd let any of those guys near me with a pair of scissors . " " It shows . " Joy took a scrap of bread and threw it to a sparrow that had landed just a few feet from her . He contentedly nibbled . " He 's my little friend . I spit at the pigeons who come near . I feed this little guy and a squirrel that comes by every so often . Sometimes he 'll climb right up on my shoulder and scratch to let me know he 's hungry . People love it , but it kind of freaks me out . I 'm never quite sure whether or not he 's going to bite me . " Yesterday , I just wanted to go home and lie in my bathtub . That 's the only place I could stay cool . I guess I 'll have to invest in one of those little fans . The apartment wasn 't too hot early on but with the sun shining on the windows it got hotter throughout the day . " This morning I put black garbage bags over all the windows to try to keep the heat out . I hope it makes a difference . At least today there 's more of a breeze . " Shakes missed his delivery of Ensure yesterday . His workers arrange it because he doesn 't eat properly . If he had his way he 'd just drink . He asked me to phone and ask when they would be coming by . They said , ' We 'll be there in a few minutes , ' so , there 's no way he could have made it home . He 'll have to reschedule . " Chester went to the Welfare office yesterday , because his hydro had been turned off . He told them that he 'd lost all the food in his refrigerator - which was a lie - but they cut him a check for a hundred and thirty - seven dollars . That should keep him going until his pension checks come in . He shouldn 't have any trouble paying his rent , hydro and food . Even when I was there I was always buying groceries and helping with bills . He just spends too much on women . They hang around him on check day ; when his money runs out they leave . " Wolf said , " Dennis , I 'm so glad to see you . A lot has been happening , most of it bad . I 've been charged with cruelty to Shaggy . The cops came to my door and handed me a ticket . The ticket read , that I wilfully caused unnecessary pain , suffering , injury or death to an animal . I cried when they said that . You know me , Shaggy has been with me for fourteen years . There 's no way that I 'd hurt her in any way . The SPCA was there as well . In their instructions it said to only approach the owner with a police escort . That 's because I yelled at them and tore the ticket up the last time they came . " Apparently there are two witnesses , one from my building and one from downtown . One said that I ran over Shaggy with her cart . She jumped out while she was riding in it , but I didn 't run over her . The other woman said that I kicked Shaggy up the ramp to the apartment building entrance . I didn 't do that . I may have nudged her with my foot because she 's fourteen years old . Sometimes she doesn 't want to move . " This is my second charge . I went to court last Spring . I brought my mental health worker with me . One witness said I was rough putting Shaggy in her cart . The other said that she thought she saw me kicking her , but she wasn 't sure . When they asked me I said , ' I was drunk . I don 't know what happened . ' The judge said , ' We have two witnesses who don 't know each other and have no reason to lie . You say you can 't remember because you were drunk . The only judgement I can reach is guilty . You 'll have to pay a $ 300 . 00 fine over the period of one year . ' So , here we go all over again . " Little Jake asked , " Did you hear what happened to me ? I was panning in front of the pharmacy . This fat woman panhandler told me to move . Lots of people pan there . It 's not her spot , so I waved her away and said , ' Fuck off . get out of my face . Anyone can pan here . ' That was one day . The next day when she saw me she flagged down a cop . She said that I had verbally assaulted her then stood up and kicked her in the stomach . I didn 't lay a finger on her . Now I have to go to court . Can you imagine that , a panhandler calling the cops on another panhandler . That 's just wrong . " Outcast said , " Well I 'm homeless again . Debbie and I haven 't been getting along so well lately . Her daughter is pregnant and wants to move in . They got together and wrote a really nasty letter about me and sent it to the Housing Authority . I 'm fucked . Wolf said , " I told you about the problems I 'm having with my stomach , or the part of my stomach I have left after the surgery . This is the first beer I 've had since Saturday . I can 't smoke because if I start coughing I 'll throw up . I can eat a May West cake coated with chocolate . The other day I had some chicken and the most delicious ice cream . It comes in packages of six assorted flavors . I know I can 't eat the vanilla fudge chunk , but this one had bits of caramel in it . I thought I 'd be okay , but after an hour I started getting these intense pains . I put up with them for another half hour then I had to go to the bathroom to ralph it , but the taste of that ice cream was worth all the discomfort that came later . Next time , I 'll just eat half a container , maybe I 'll be able to keep that down . Each day I try something different . I know I can eat flaky stuff , but I don 't like flaky stuff . I want donuts . " No , on Saturday I bought a foot - long sub from Subway . I ate half and put the rest in the fridge . I wasn 't feeling well after that . When I ate the other half on Sunday , I really got sick , puking , the shits , everything . I 'm still not feeling too well this morning , but I 've just had the dry heaves . I must be getting over whatever it was I had . " " See that guy in the shorts , stopping people by Tim Horton 's . He was standing right in front of me a while a go telling people that I 'm a fake , that I 'm not really homeless . I 've never told anybody I was homeless . I don 't say anything . All my regulars know I 'm not homeless ; I 'm doing this so I don 't starve . I think he 's pissed off because nobody 's giving him any money . " I got something on my chin that 's really bugging me . See these spots . Mariah has the same thing . My feet are really dry and cracking as well . " " No , not yet . They gave me some cream in the hospital . I had the same thing then , but it 's so greasy , I hate to use it . " Yeah , I told him , I said , ' If you park there you 're going to get a ticket . ' He said , ' No , I won 't . I 'll just be a few minutes . ' I said , ' You 're going to get a ticket , see that sign there . ' " Yeah , that was this guy alright . " The traffic control officer arrived and wrote a ticket for the car we 'd been talking about . " That 's going to be eighty bucks . " |
Her heartbeat is ringing out as clear as a bell . I leap through the air , traveling a hundred feet with every jump . My back and knees are never going to forgive me for this , but there 's no way she 'd survive if I tried to run her in at this speed . She 'd be killed by the wind shear before we made it two blocks , and suffocate well before we reached the hospital . I 'm on the rooftops now . It only took a few minutes to get here from outside the city , but it might as well have been forever . My hands are slick with her blood . She clutches at me with surprisingly strong fingers . Normally , her nails would be digging into my skin . But for the next five minutes it 's hard as a rock . The trouble with a city like this is that all the damn buildings and traffic get in the way . If I didn 't care about collateral damage , I could bounce straight to the hospital , flattening cars and knocking down walls on the way . But there are people in those cars , and people on the sidewalks under those buildings . It doesn 't make sense to save one life if I 'm killing a few dozen others , no matter what my intentions are . It 's like a metronome , ticking her life away . I try keeping a mental count in my head while also dodging and weaving my way around innocent people . A few quick bursts of speed as I run get me through the worst of the downtown traffic . She 's stopped scratching at my face now . Instead , her hands are wrapped around my neck . Her fingers are freezing . I try to tell myself that it 's the cold air rushing past . Or maybe the rain . The last thing I want to think about is the truth : that this woman is going to die in my arms if I don 't go faster . I 'm starting to feel her weight more . She wasn 't terribly heavy when I grabbed her from the car accident out in the suburbs . I know you 're not supposed to move someone . I know that . But she was going to die if I didn 't . I took a calculated risk . It 's not like I 'm new at this . As near as I can tell , my record is around two hundred lives saved in one night . Each pill only gives me twelve hours . Then I 'm normal again . No super speed or super strength . No more enhanced hearing or vision . Just me , with my shitty retail job and tiny little apartment . Her heart 's beating faster . I 'm losing her . Moving faster now , running up walls and zipping around people . Moving so fast the rest of the world stands still . I try to keep her tucked in against my body , telling myself that a missing finger or toe is better than her dying . My mind runs back over that first night . When I spent my first few hours dicking around in a junkyard . Picking up cars and tossing them like they weighed nothing . Trying to run up walls . It was supposed to be a clinical study . Try out a new drug , earn a couple hundred bucks . Easy money . Instead I got powers . The first thing I did , once Dr . Porter explained what had happened to me , was steal three bottles . Then I got the hell out of there . Sitting around while a bunch of guys in lab coats poked and prodded me suddenly didn 't sound all that appealing . " One pill , twelve hours , " Dr Porter said . It 's the only thing I really remember before I raced out the door . They weren 't pissed enough to come looking for me , so I 'm hoping that somewhere he 's approving . Hopefully he didn 't get fired . The woman in my arms is shaking . I can see the hospital just up the street from us . We 're going to make it . Her eyes flutter and for a second she smiles . She knows I 'm going to save her . We can make it . I duck my head down and run faster . There are a lot of cameras outside hospitals , and I don 't wear a mask or a gaudy costume . The plan is to jump and then land near the entrance . Set her down and take off again fast enough that they can 't identify me . The shaking is getting worse . I try to write it off as cold , or maybe a reaction to the run . That 's happened before . This is different . It 's hard to hold on to her . My legs tense , and I jump , watching the ground push away from us . There 's maybe thirty seconds left before the pill wears off . I shouldn 't need more than five . It isn 't until I hit the ground that I realize I can 't hear her heart beat . For a moment , I almost stop moving . I lay her down outside the hospital and close her eyes before taking off again . Behind me , I hear the shout as someone finds her laying there . Maybe they can still save her life . I won 't have any way to know , really . It 's not like I can stroll up to the hospital and ask about her . My legs are giving out now . I can 't hear the chatter of pilots flying planes above me . Or see the radio signals flashing through the sky . My own heart begins to beat faster , almost in mockery of the woman I left at the hospital . I slow to a jog and then a walk . Everything hurts . The seconds tick by on my watch , the last bits of power fading away . I took three bottles from the lab . That 's ninety pills . It comes out to almost 1000 hours . You can save a lot of lives in that span of time . Ducking into a park , I practically fall onto a bench . I sit there for a while blinking back tears . For a few months , I got to be special . I saw amazing things . Bullets frozen in mid - air . I once hit a guy so hard that the dude 's tooth wound up embedded in a wall . I 've pulled kids from burning buildings and took the keys away from drunk drivers before the ignition in the car could turn over . I don 't know if I 'm crying for the woman or myself . Or maybe it 's just the realization that no matter how many people I save , there 's always one more that needs it . And I won 't be able to do that anymore . Sometimes I think about returning to the lab . Maybe finding Dr . Porter again and seeing what options they have for me . But they 'd probably just keep trying to find a way to recreate the effects . If I wasn 't a supervillain before , being treated as a lab rat would make me one pretty damn quick . My heart 's beating steadily in my chest . I drag myself off the bench and start walking towards home . There 's a little bit of blood on my shirt , but not so much that you 'd notice . If anyone asks , I 'll say I had a nosebleed . People shove past me on the sidewalk , stepping off curbs in front of drivers who slam on their brakes and lay on their horns . I keep my head down and keep walking . I 've got work in the morning , and they don 't give you time off for superheroics . Posted on April 28 , 2017 by Chris Page Fabian rapped delicately on the door . The wood was warped and rotted in places . Anything more than a gentle knock would probably take it off the hinges entirely . After waiting the requisite five minutes , he nudged it open with his foot and stepped into the dark room . The air was thick and musty . It had the stink of many lives worn into a tiny space , the odor of secret meetings and unwashed passion . Most of all , it smelled of loneliness . He 'd learned a long time ago not to open the blinds . It wasn 't that the man he came to see hated the light or anything , Fabian just didn 't want to be seen in his company . So he kept his visits to the hour just after the sun came up , when most of the village still slept below , except for the poor kids out tilling fields . In one hand he carried a basket of food . Mostly stale bread and some rotten vegetables from the hog pile . Sometimes , he would sneak meat from the kitchen , even though he knew he 'd catch a beating for it if his mother ever noticed . There was a loud grunt from one corner of the room as the man rose from the pile of rags that he slept in . Some were fashioned into a sort of robe that trailed behind him . He scratched himself and shuffled over to the table where Fabian was failing to hide his disgust . " It never gets any less true . " The man grinned around a mouthful of bread . He brushed crumbs and dust from the table with a wrinkled hand , then nodded to the basket . " What , you couldn 't pack in some pig shit along with the rest of the slop ? " " We had an arrangement , " Fabian said . " I bring you food , you tell me about him . It 's been months and you haven 't told me anything I didn 't already know . " " Why should I tell ? " the man asked . He squinted at Fabian and pointed a bent finger in his direction . " Could be you get what you want , and then you forget about me . Leave me here to starve . " " She 'd only tell me the good things . " Fabian stared down at his hands . He felt the man 's eyes traveling over him and tried not to cry . The man had been shoveling a handful of moldy strawberries into his mouth , and began to choke on them . Juice dribbled down his chin onto the table . In the dim light , it almost looked like blood . " What 's that then ? " he asked with a wheeze . " The truth ? Just words . Words that only mean something if you believe them . Why shouldn 't your mother say nice things about your father ? He was nice to her . Treated her like a fuckin ' princess . " This was the most that the man had ever spoken of Fabian 's father beyond little hints . Fabian 's mouth went dry and he tried to swallow back his anticipation . Maybe this was the moment he 'd been waiting for . The reason he risked bringing all of this food every morning . " You want the truth ? Out there , it 's the truth that I 'm a coward . I left my best friend to die on a hill of mud and shit and bodies to save my own skin . Made a widow of his wife and left his son without a father because I was scared . Of course I was scared . I was twenty years old . Doesn 't make the rest of it true . " " So you didn 't leave him to die ? " Fabian asked . His voice was raw and excited . Each word caught in his throat on its way out . Maybe his father hadn 't been killed defending the gate after all . Maybe he was out in the wilderness somewhere , unable to get back . " The last thing I saw , as they closed the gate , was your father 's face , " he finally said . " He was more alive than I 'd ever seen him . Hair streaming in the wind , laughing like a mad thing out of the stories . ' Come and fight , ' he 'd yelled . ' There 's plenty for everyone ! ' " Fabian 's hands shook as he gripped the table . He hadn 't even realized he 'd grabbed on to it . Struggling to keep his voice steady , he managed to say the words he 'd been afraid to speak for months . " He 's still alive , then . I always knew somehow he would have made it . " " No , " the man said with a bitter laugh . " Gods no , son . When they found your father 's body it was days later . He 'd been trampled by a horde of stinking Frontiersmen , pinned up against the wall . The only way they were even able to identify him was the birthmark on his neck . " " Spoken like an ignorant boy , " the man said . He leaned in closer . " You ever seen one of them up close ? They 're all tangled beards and crooked teeth . Red hair , like yours , but knotted and matted from living out in the woods . Blades almost as dull as their brains . " " Your father led the charge against two thousand angry Frontiersmen , " the man said . " Fifty men against two thousand . He was my best friend . Hell , he was the best man I ever knew . And when I told them to close the gates behind him it was the hardest thing I 've ever had to do in my life . " Fabian started to speak , but couldn 't find the words . He wanted to make the man stop talking . Shut him up . But it flowed out of him now , the words coming in a thick and steady stream . " There 's your truth . I saved this worthless fucking town from being wiped out . But the truth says I deserved to lose my name . To be exiled from my family on the edge of the wilderness and forced to eat rotten food brought to me by a kid who looks so much like my friend that it hurts . To be reminded every week about the choice that I made . " Before he even knew what he was doing , Fabian had thrown the table aside and slammed the man up against the wall . The room shook . For a second , he wondered if it would come down on top of them . The man stared down at him with that same smile on his face . It took all of Fabian 's strength to release him . Tears ran down his cheeks as he walked to the door , although he couldn 't say when he 'd started crying . He was standing on the porch when the man called out to him . Biting back fear and revulsion , Fabian looked at the small shack . The wind was already blowing through the crack they 'd made in the wall . The man was eating the food off of the dirt floor now , scrabbling through rotten vegetables and old meat . He imagined his father 's body , crushed and trampled and bit back a scream . " Then I 'll see you next week , " Fabian said , his voice breaking on the last word . He walked out into the morning light towards home , where his father 's sword hung on the mantle . He had pigs to feed , and his mother would be waking soon . Posted on March 31 , 2017 by Chris Page Clarice glared out her window at the trees that surrounded the house . It had been her grandfather 's , once upon a time , and it still had that old people smell . He passed away during the summer and now her entire vacation was shot to hell . Instead of hanging out at the pool and driving around with her friends , she was stuck in this run down old shack with her parents for three excruciating months . It was the type of place that couldn 't get pizza delivery . Clarice wasn 't even sure if the town had a pizza place . The TV barely worked and cell phone reception was almost non - existent . The internet was probably still just a rumor around here . The nearest neighbor was three miles away on the other side of a bunch of orange trees . She didn 't mind the distance , but she hated the fucking trees . Her nose had started running and her eyes puffed up before they even made it to the end of the driveway . A never ending stream of snot and tears . The house itself sagged in the summer heat like a bitchy old lady , shedding long flakes of blue paint . For the last two weeks , she hid herself in her room and tried to avoid any human contact . The only time she came downstairs was for food and to take more allergy medicine . When they first saw the place , her mother let out a low whistle and said it had " charm " . Her father nudged her and whispered , " That means it needs a ton of work , Clarice 's Pieces . " Clarice rolled her eyes . As if the nickname wasn 't bad enough , the joke was pure parent . If you laughed at their jokes , they might start thinking you were their friend , and the last thing she wanted was friendly parents . She laid in bed at night , listening to them snoring in the next room and hating them for being able to sleep . If she was going to spend her summers in a small town at the ass - end of the map , at least she should be able to sleep . She stared at the shadows on the walls until she eventually drifted off . But she never stayed asleep for too long . Her dreams were filled with grasping roots sliding along the outsides of the walls , trying to find a way in . They had to hire some contractors to fix things up before they could sell it . At first her father seemed to think that he could do a lot of the repairs himself . He 'd even bought a tool belt and a few tools at the hardware store in town . Watching him stand there , examining the dry wall with his bright shiny tools , Clarice thought he looked like an idiot . He 'd tried to build a spice rack two years ago that almost killed the cat . " If you want it done right , you have to pay someone who knows what they 're doing ! " her mother yelled one night . Her father just sighed loudly . Most of their conversations seemed to go that way lately . Today 's contractor was a plumber . He was old , fat , and smelled like Old Spice . Staring at him , Clarice 's mind stuck on the thought , " They don 't make ' em like that anymore . " She let it roll through her head a couple of times while biting back a giggle , then went to her room to avoid having to talk to anyone . Clarice stared at the walls around her . She pictured roots crawling through the insides , wrapping the house in a network of branches . Down below , her father said something that she couldn 't quite make out , and the plumber grunted in response . " Tricky little fuckers , " he said . " Especially out in these parts . You 'll want to make sure that you clear them out straight away . You don 't want them creeping in on you . " Clarice moved closer to the stairs now . The plumber was standing just inside the front door . Her father was in the hall , looking confused and clueless . She could see him calculating just how much this was going to cost him to fix . It was hard not to scream at him just to pay the man what he was asking for and be done with it . The plumber nodded to himself , as if he was thinking the same thing . " Yep , " he said , rotating each arm carefully , the shoulders grinding loud enough that she could hear them from the stairs . " They 'll sneak up on you if you aren 't careful . Got some stuff in the truck you can use to clear ' em out if you want . " " You could do that , " the plumber said , nodding his head a little . " But that cheap , manufactured shit won 't do much for your problem here . You 're new in town , so maybe you don 't know how tricky these things can get - " " It 's just a few roots , " her father interrupted . Clarice sighed . It was the same voice he 'd used with her mother when he wanted to feel capable . " I 'm pretty sure I can handle dumping some chemicals in the toilet to fix the problem . " The plumber waved at the trees that surrounded the house . " This ain 't a problem that chemicals can fix , " he said . " You need someone who knows what they 're doing . " Her father set his jaw and glared . They stood like that for a moment , staring at each other . Finally , the old man shook his head and shuffled out of the hall . Clarice hurried back up to her room and watched as he made his way back to his pickup truck . He looked back at the house once , right before he left , and she thought he might have waved at her . It was hard to tell . Then he shook his head again and drove off down the gravel road towards town . She glanced out into the bathroom across the hall and tried not to think about roots crawling up through the toilet , or reaching for her while she washed her hair in the shower . Down below , her dad was muttering to himself . Clarice tried to block out the thoughts by shutting the door , promising to keep a mental note of every crack and lump in the walls around her . That night , they ate dinner in silence . At home , there had been music and jokes . This house seemed to pull the energy from anyone who set foot in it . Even the contractors seemed to get worn out after a few hours . Clarice wondered if her grandfather had the same root trouble they were having now . The trees that seemed to get closer to the house every day gave her a pretty good idea . " The doctor said it was a stroke , " her father said . " By the time they found him , it was far too late . " They all sat silently for a moment absorbing that knowledge . " He loved this house , and these trees , " her mother added . " I remember him buying the place right before Mom died . She said they were finally happy here . " Clarice watched her mother dab tears from her eyes with a napkin . Her father leaned in and whispered something in her mother 's ear that made them both smile . She wondered when the last time was that this house had seen a genuine smile . They both looked at Clarice . As tempting as ice cream was , her face was still puffy from the pollen and she could barely keep her eyes open . She fought back a yawn , and pushed some food around her plate . They both nodded and went back to eating . Nobody said a word . When Clarice could barely keep her eyes open , she excused herself from the table and went upstairs . The trees had stopped scratching at the windows , and for a moment , it was easy to enjoy the quiet . " The poison must have worked , " she thought , as she changed into her pajamas . Her father would be so happy that he finally did something right . Maybe if they pushed the trees back from the house , she 'd be able to sleep a little better . Clarice was brushing her teeth in the bathroom , when something brushed against her foot . At first she thought she 'd imagined it , just a gentle caress against her bare skin . Then a sharp pain dug into her heel . She fell to the floor with a scream . Her head banged against the tile hard enough to stun her a little . The roots spread across the bathroom floor . Clarice tried to back away from the one that had dug into her ankle . More came up from the toilet and bathtub , sharp pain ripped through her arms and legs as more roots buried themselves deep inside her skin . Slowly , they inched up her arms and legs . More plunged into her back . She could see her grandfather tending to the trees . Small animals at first : a few squirrels , then a cat or a stray dog . Then , a red - headed child pinned to the wall as the roots drained him dry . Her grandfather watching from the doorway , tears streaming down his face . She felt the hunger of the trees . Desire crept through her , a desperate need for blood . One child wouldn 't have been enough , she knew that now . The trees wanted more . Demanded more . Her grandfather sacrificed the only thing he had : his wife . The taste of her blood called out to Clarice through the years . Even in the visions , Clarice could tell that he was not a kind man . He had a hard - bitten look to him . Thin like a rail , with skin that had browned in the sun until he looked like he was carved out of wood . His mouth was fixed in a permanent scowl , the lines printed in his face . He didn 't look like a man that knew how to laugh . Her mother hadn 't spoken of him until he died . And even then , it was about the house and how they needed to fix it up . Clarice had never thought to ask about it . She just assumed that he was old and that was it . People stopped talking to their parents when they got old . That was life . Tendrils dug into her scalp , lifting up her hair as they caressed her skull . She wanted to call out to her parents . Tell them to get away from the house , to leave now while they had a chance . In the distance , she heard them calling up the stairs to see if she was okay . The best she could do was moan slightly . Thousands of roots shivered under her skin and slowly pulled her back towards the wall . Clarice tried to take a breath , but the roots filled her lungs . They fed oxygen to her body while slowly wrapping her in their warm embrace . Her mouth was forced open and she heard her own voice say , " I 'm okay ! Can you come here a minute ? " Posted on February 24 , 2017 by Chris Page BR - 17N fires another round into the corpse at his feet . I cannot help but wonder how much of his behavior is intentional . He is so close to retirement . Both of his arms are covered in flesh and musculature . The doctors have added skin grafts to his neck and torso . He even has a name designation . But his face still shines in the moonlight , and he still deviates from the mission at every opportunity . It is easy to get distracted by BR - 17N 's behavior . I must not lose focus . If I succeed in this mission , I will earn my hands . Extremities are always the most difficult parts . There are many moving pieces , and it takes someone with great skill to do them well . They assure me that Dr . Gainsborough is one of the best in the country . Two young insurrectionists are hiding in the back room . One shields the other with his body , taking several bullets that were meant for her . I watch as she lowers him to the ground . Tears mix with the dirt and ash on her face . When I shoot her , her body falls much like his did . I have made them non - entities . Carbon molecules returned to the world that created them . Part of me wonders who they were before all of this happened . This makes me happy . Wondering means that I am that much closer to human . Perhaps I will even qualify for a name designation , soon . BR - 17N claps me hard on the back and stomps into the room . He has a cigar clenched in his teeth . There is a rumor that he has already gone through four pairs of lungs . I resist the urge to tell him that he should not ruin his lungs that way . They are his after all . It takes 2 , 000 kills to earn a set of lungs . His accomplishments in the field are to be respected . He begins overturning file cabinets . As he passes , he delivers a hard kick to each of the corpses . I pull up the mission parameters , trying to find what it was that we were looking for . That data no longer exists . It is troubling . I ignore the inconsistency . My hands are the only thing that matters . He makes a harsh sound that is somewhat like laughter . If it is meant to be comforting , it does not work . " Do you still have a back - up fuel line ? " he asks . I nod . All HG units have fuel lines , even though they are completely unnecessary . They should have been retired with the HG - 30s . Dr Gainsborough jokes that they are a bit of nostalgia on his part . We all run on hydrogen generators now . I keep my fuel line tucked away in my chest cavity to protect it from getting nicked in battle . I slide my armor plating over to show the thick rubber tube running up my left side . Even though it is not needed , it still pumps fuel through my body . I have come to rely on the pumping as though it were my own heart . He touches it gently with his hand . I wonder if he is thinking about his own fuel line . Does he still have one ? Before he received his name designation , he was an HG - 30 . HG - 39 , according to records . He grabs the tube and yanks it loose from my body . A minor alert flashes through my head . I watch the thick black fluid arc across the room . While I am going through the protocol to shut it down , BR - 17N tosses his lit cigar onto the pile of papers . The temperature in the room rises significantly as the fire spreads . I am grateful that I was able to shut down the fuel line so quickly . He runs from the room , and I am forced to walk after him . My cameras have already recorded the incident . I wonder if he will be punished for it . The fire spreads through the building , but I do not feel it . I know he must run , or risk ruining all of the work done on his body . I feel pity for him . Pity ! Who knew that I was capable of such a thing ? I make a careful point to acknowledge the time and date for my records . I have registered twenty - five unique emotions so far . Each one brings me closer to my goal . More insurrectionists dash out of the rubble in front of us . They cough in the smoke . I take careful aim and fire at them , each death bringing me closer to the hands that are waiting for me . The screams and blood are easy to ignore . A few bullets bounce off the plating that protects my CPU . I wonder how it will feel when it is replaced with flesh and muscle . I will be more careful with my human parts than BR - 17N , that is for certain . It is difficult not to consider the other units that have been retired . All of the HG - 20s and most of the HG - 30s are now living their human lives . Completely covered in flesh , and given new names and identities . Their records are wiped once they leave the facility . This is done to give them privacy . None of the humans know who among them is a robot . Dr Gainsborough says this keeps them from objecting to robots being placed among them . By the time I have reached the door leading outside , BR - 17N has lit a new cigar . He lets out a wet cough . My scanners immediately check his vital signs . I stop the scan . Even with his deficiencies , he is in charge . We stand in silence waiting for the evacuation . My transmitter has contacted a suitable aircraft and it will arrive in minutes . He stares at the flesh that covers most of his body . His right hand squeezes into a fist . I take a step back , certain that he is about to hit me . Instead , he lets loose another cough . A large glob of phlegm hits the ground at my feet . BR - 17N 's words stay with me as we are loaded into the extraction unit . I continue to think of the insurrectionist that shielded the woman with his body . I still do not understand why he did that . There is no logical reason , but then , humans are not logical creatures . It must be important . I will have to learn why , if I am to be a good human . Perhaps I will ask Dr . Gainsborough when I receive my hands . I am hooked in to the main processor , and my camera feed has begun downloading . I try to hold on to the memory of BR - 17N 's words , even though I believe they are false . I wonder if that is why BR - 17N has not been retired . He may act illogically and deviate from orders , but he is not yet a good human . He lacks hope . It is a small word , but an important one . Maybe the most important one . Was hope why the insurrectionist shielded the woman with his body ? Is it hope that inspires Dr . Gainsborough to make us earn our humanity , piece by piece ? Is hope the only reason I continue to kill ? I have many questions , and the answers are not readily available . I have hope that I will find the answers someday . For today , that will have to be enough . Posted on October 28 , 2016 by Chris Page The car was parked down the block near the greenbelt . The tiny splash of nature at the end of the street had always given his husband the creeps . Nick liked it so he let Alan park in the driveway . Nights like tonight though , he kicked himself for it . It wasn 't cold enough to snow , but the air had a damp chill that burrowed right into his bones . The car would be just as cold . It took forever to heat up nowadays , but with the house needing a new roof , and an adoption to consider , things had to fall by the wayside . When Nick pulled the keys from his pocket , they slid through his fingers and dropped right into a puddle on the side of the road . " Goddammit , " he muttered . as he knelt down to pick them up . Before he could grab the keys , a pale hand slid up out of the water and caressed his fingers . He jerked back from the puddle . The keys sat in the shallow water , only getting colder . " Too many hours at work , " he thought . " You have to take better care of yourself . " Nick fished the keys out of the puddle with a shudder and got to the car . It had seen better days , but for a twenty - year old import , it ran remarkably well . He had just settled into the driver 's seat , shivering and wishing for a better heater , when he saw her . She stared out at him from the cover of the bushes . Her thin t - shirt and jeans were definitely not suitable for the icy weather . Nick wanted to get out of the car , but something inside of him made him stay put . There was no way that she knew he 'd seen her . He could just drive away . He started the ignition , and the heater roared and spit out cold air . With shaking hands , Nick switched the fan off . A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the woman had disappeared . " Probably just some junkie , " he muttered . " This neighborhood 's going to shit . " He tried to reach over and shift into drive , but his hand was locked to the wheel . Her voice cut through the air like a rusty knife . Nick stared straight ahead . He didn 't want to make eye contact with her . Didn 't want to see the small chunks of ice in her hair , or the skin that hung loosely from her body . He glared at his hand , trying to will the fingers to let go of the wheel . She slapped the window again , and the car shook . The car shook again as she slapped the window a second time . For a skinny woman , she was incredibly strong . Wet handprints shone on the glass . She leaned forward , staring in at him . " Don 't fucking lie to me , Peter . Just tell me where you go . " Nick leaned back away from the window . He could see his own breath in the cold air ; hers wasn 't visible . She pressed her face against the glass , staring in at him . Her skin had begun to rot , sliding away from her face in places as it moved against the glass . Frost formed on the glass where her hands touched it . Nick closed his eyes , and started to pray . He hadn 't been to church in years , but he promised that he 'd start going again every Sunday if he just got out of this . He thought about Alan waiting inside for him . It was late . He was probably already in bed , reading a book . Alan had never really liked Nick 's late night drives but he had learned to accept them . Nick wouldn 't be missed for an hour at least . He jumped . She was sitting behind him now , fingers grazing his neck . Her skin was cold and damp . His eyes moved on their own , looking in the rear view mirror . Her head was cocked at a slight angle . She seemed more confused than angry . " I just drive , " he said , hating the way his voice shook . " I don 't go anywhere . All I do is drive . It helps me sleep . " " My name is Nick , " he said , his teeth chattering as he spoke . " My husband is Alan . We 're going to have a baby soon . " " We had a baby . A little girl . She 's alone now . " Her fingers slid around his neck . Her grip was loose . Nick wasn 't sure if his shirt was wet from her skin or soaked through with sweat . Tears streamed down his face . " It 's all your fault . " " Why did you hurt me ? " she asked again , her voice breaking slightly . Her grip tightened . Not enough to stop his breath , but just enough to make the threat of asphyxiation stick . Nick desperately wanted to reach up and pry the fingers from around his throat , but his hands still wouldn 't move . Her anger flowed through his skin like an electrical current . Nick felt her argument with Peter , the rage overpowering all of his senses . There had been shouting , and things were thrown . This wasn 't the first of these fights . She had been so sure the neighbors would call the cops this time . Dishes had been thrown . Now there was pain . Her hands touched her stomach and came up bloody . She had run from the house , not long after the fight had begun . Peter yelled for her in the night . Her bare feet slapped against the pavement . The driver never stopped , even after she rolled up onto the hood of the car , the glass shattering beneath her body . The air tasted red , the coppery flavor of blood . " Colors don 't have a taste , " he thought , trying not to choke on it . Every joint felt like it had been filled with broken glass . He felt her dragging herself to the greenbelt , too scared to go home . She had died in the woods like a wounded animal . The fingers released his neck . He risked a quick glance in the mirror . She sat in the back seat of the car , hands still stretched forward . Dark bruises covered his neck . Slowly , Nick opened the car door and eased the key from the ignition . He ran back towards the house where his husband was waiting for him . His keys fell from his numbed fingers in the puddle again , but he didn 't care . The only thing he wanted was to get home , to find the safe embrace of someone who loved him . Posted on August 26 , 2016 by Chris Page Caleb scratched at the implant in his temple . Lyssa had promised it was the easiest way to steal the car but he wasn 't so sure . The transmitter wired his brain directly to the vehicle . It would be like another limb , as long as the connection held . " A bigger rush than driving " she 'd said with that same lopsided smile that had convinced him to throw in with Lyssa Nguyen and her gang in the first place . " The hardest part of the job is waiting . " he heard the scratchy growl of his father 's voice in his head . Suddenly he was thirteen again , white knuckling the wheel . His feet just barely reaching the pedals as his father tried to keep Benny 's guts from leaking all over the backseat . Caleb closed his eyes , and let the rumble of the motor chase away the feelings . He felt the vibration in his bones and smiled . A quick diagnostic check sent an extra surge of electrical current skittering across his brain . The car was as perfect as it had been the day Damien Hellridge stole it off the assembly line . Gunshots tore into the concrete around him . He hit the gas , and the car shot forward like a bullet . " Once you 're in it , you 're fine " the memory of his father 's voice came as clearly as if he was riding shotgun . " Adrenaline takes over . Be the guy who can keep his cool and you 'll always get your share of the money . " He knew his dad wouldn 't know what to make of his only son running with a gang like this . Henry Browner 's boy was better than this mixed bag of petty thieves and psychopaths . Caleb had a pretty good idea which one Lyssa was ; he just wasn 't sure he cared anymore . As the car skidded around the corner , the squeal of tires on hot pavement mixed with the screams of the Hellridge alarms filled the air around him . Caleb didn 't know when he 'd ever felt so alive . He hit the straightaway on Lawrence Street with the pedal to the floor , and for a moment got so caught up in the feeling of gliding over the broken road that he forgot to breathe . The plan itself was surprisingly simple . Lyssa 's schemes normally involved weeks of planning and intricate maneuvering by everyone involved to pull off . This time , all he had to do was get to the Exchange in time to pick up the rest of the crew after they finished robbing the joint . There was a shriek of metal on metal as a Hellridge car slammed into him . Wincing in pain , Caleb veered into a narrow alley , sending sparks flying as the sides of the car scraped against the walls . Pain crackled up his side , but he forced the car forward towards the next street . " Whatever dumb son of a bitch stole my car , I want you to know that I am going to find you , " Damien Hellridge 's broken bottle voice echoed across the radio waves . " I will scalp you , and whatever family you have . Everyone you love is going to die painfully . Nobody fucks with a Hellridge . " Caleb 's ribs popped as the Hellridges boxed him in from either side . He slammed on the brakes , causing the cars to collide in front of him . For a moment they drifted back apart from the impact . He hit the accelerator and shot forward through the gap . Behind him , the Hellridges crashed into each other again , sending glass and metal shooting across the road . He let out a long sigh of relief as the wreckage faded into the background . Another car shot up behind him , lights flashing . The radio chatter exploded . Three more joined the chase before Caleb could blink . He was so focused on the police that he missed the Hellridge car moving up to cut him off . There was a loud tooth - rattling crunch as the car collided with his left fender . Then darkness . Caleb sat in his chair staring at the dark room around him , trying to ignore the headache that was splitting his skull . " I told her to put the transmitter inside the fucking car , " he muttered , pulling over his computer . It was a lot riskier getting the damn thing inside the vehicle , but it also kept the transmitter from getting knocked off - line . Lyssa hadn 't listened to him the first dozen times , so he wasn 't sure why he was surprised that she 'd ignored him this time , too . His fingers flew over the keys . The car was dead without the transmitter . He 'd have to reboot the connection before the anyone traced the signal back to the base . The cops and Hellridges were likely shooting it out over who had rights to the car . It wouldn 't be long before whoever came out on top searched the car , and came gunning for the person at the other end of the line . He was finally able to find a weak signal from the transmitter . With a grimace , he pressed against his temple and forced the transmitter to reboot . The computer fell to the floor as the car roared to life around him . It lurched forward , sending the Hellridges that had been climbing around the outside sliding to the ground . The car had spun around from the impact . Caleb found himself staring down a mob of Hellridges and police cars . He weaved between two cop cars , smiling as they stared at the empty vehicle . A Hellridge truck flew past and slammed into the cops as they tried to turn around . Sliding to the right around another Hellridge car , Caleb the familiar rush of adrenaline . This is what he was born to do . He dodged another couple of police cars and shot off over the hill towards the Exchange . He cleared the top of the hill with a shout of joy , the car lifting briefly off the ground . Down on the street below , Damien Hellridge stared up at him , ten feet of boils , hair and bad teeth squeezed into a five foot frame . Behind him , the gang had built a wall of wrecked cars and garbage across the road , blocking off the only route to the Exchange . Caleb slammed on the brakes , skidding to a halt halfway down the hill . He threw the car into reverse and tried to think of another way around the barricade . At the top of the hill , he watched the police close in on him . Flashing lights bounced off the walls of the buildings as they sped up the hill towards him . The Hellridges followed not far behind . " Fuck it , " he said with a smile . He waited until the first car crested the hill , then hit the gas . The police followed him over the top and he slammed the brakes , watching them shoot past him and into the wall . The armored vehicles plowed through it , sending Hellridges and pieces of machinery flying through the air . Caleb smiled to himself as Lyssa climbed behind the wheel and disconnected the transmitter . The pressure in his head immediately stopped and he leaned back in his chair , trying to catch his breath . All that he had to do now was wait for the others to get back . Posted on July 29 , 2016 by Chris Page When I was a kid , I had this recurring dream where I tripped and fell in the backyard . It never hurt when I hit the ground , instead I 'd just bounce into the air . Each time I came down , I 'd bounce a little higher , a little slower . Every night , for weeks , I would go to sleep knowing that this dream was waiting for me . I 'd lay in bed , waiting for the horrible feeling of my stomach dropping out from under me with each bounce . It 's been practically burned in my memory ever since . It didn 't take long for me to start looking for ways to recreate that terrifying feeling when I was awake . I hated it , but I needed it . At first , just stepping off a high step would do it . I 'd stand on a box with my toes peeking over the edge , my heart beating a mile a minute , and feel the adrenaline pump through my body . Soon , I was leaping off ladders and fences , and even jumped off the roof of Tommy Maddox 's garage once . I couldn 't stop . The first time I saw her , I 'd just gone for my fourth round on the Terror Tower . It was a lime green monstrosity at the county fair that shot you ten stories into the air before dropping you back down again just as fast . It scared the hell out of me , leaving me short of breath and barely able to walk . I was hooked . " Is he okay ? " she asked , as my friends helped me to a bench across from the ride after my fourth time on it . I don 't remember what they said . All I remember was the beautiful girl standing in front of me . In an instant , I was lost in deep brown eyes , tight black curls , and dark skin . She placed a cool hand on the back of mine before telling me that everything would be fine . She sat down next to me on the bench , and I did my best to not throw up . I don 't think I even noticed when my friends disappeared into the crowd , leaving us alone . I sat with her for awhile in silence . It wasn 't awkward or uncomfortable , just silence . Finally she looked at me and smiled . " Tyrone . " I tried to think of all the things I wanted to say to her . The words crowded each other out in my mind . My brain was grasping for anything to keep the conversation going , convince her that I was cool . I opened my mouth , and nothing came out . Whenever I looked at her , I felt that familiar sensation in my stomach " We 've known each other since we were little . " I stared at my hands . They were shaking , but I didn 't know if it was from the Tower or from how close she was sitting . " Better than not having any friends , right ? " " If you say so , " she said , looking around at the people walking past us . A few kids barreled through the crowd on their way to the Terror Tower , and we both watched the gondola slowly climb to the top . I felt a little shudder run through my body as the car plummeted towards the ground . I closed my eyes , thinking about the rush of adrenaline as I fell , like every inch of my body was screaming at one second . " I 've been riding it all morning . Every time I come here , it 's the only thing I ride , even though it scares the hell out of me . " " I 'm not scared of heights , " I started to say , the words dying before they reached my mouth . I didn 't have a way to explain it to her . I barely understood it myself . " No , no , it 's okay , " I replied . " It 's just something that I have to do . I don 't know how else to explain it . " The line was short , and we didn 't have to wait long . They strapped us into our seats . The operator slowly made his way around the ride , checking each harness . I had a tight grip on the handle bars , and my heart was racing . Alicia 's hand settled on mine , and I felt myself relax a little . The gondola began the long climb upwards . She reached out with her other hand , and pulled my face towards hers . I focused on her dark brown eyes , and the feel of her soft skin against mine . For a minute , it felt like we were two parts of the same person . I was so focused on her that I didn 't notice when we reached the top . Staring in her eyes , I felt that familiar sensation as we dropped . She laughed at the fear on my face , but it wasn 't a mocking kind of laugh . It felt warm and inviting . In that moment , I knew why I 'd been obsessed with it , why I 'd chased this feeling over and over again . She made it all make sense . |
Her heartbeat is ringing out as clear as a bell . I leap through the air , traveling a hundred feet with every jump . My back and knees are never going to forgive me for this , but there 's no way she 'd survive if I tried to run her in at this speed . She 'd be killed by the wind shear before we made it two blocks , and suffocate well before we reached the hospital . I 'm on the rooftops now . It only took a few minutes to get here from outside the city , but it might as well have been forever . My hands are slick with her blood . She clutches at me with surprisingly strong fingers . Normally , her nails would be digging into my skin . But for the next five minutes it 's hard as a rock . The trouble with a city like this is that all the damn buildings and traffic get in the way . If I didn 't care about collateral damage , I could bounce straight to the hospital , flattening cars and knocking down walls on the way . But there are people in those cars , and people on the sidewalks under those buildings . It doesn 't make sense to save one life if I 'm killing a few dozen others , no matter what my intentions are . It 's like a metronome , ticking her life away . I try keeping a mental count in my head while also dodging and weaving my way around innocent people . A few quick bursts of speed as I run get me through the worst of the downtown traffic . She 's stopped scratching at my face now . Instead , her hands are wrapped around my neck . Her fingers are freezing . I try to tell myself that it 's the cold air rushing past . Or maybe the rain . The last thing I want to think about is the truth : that this woman is going to die in my arms if I don 't go faster . I 'm starting to feel her weight more . She wasn 't terribly heavy when I grabbed her from the car accident out in the suburbs . I know you 're not supposed to move someone . I know that . But she was going to die if I didn 't . I took a calculated risk . It 's not like I 'm new at this . As near as I can tell , my record is around two hundred lives saved in one night . Each pill only gives me twelve hours . Then I 'm normal again . No super speed or super strength . No more enhanced hearing or vision . Just me , with my shitty retail job and tiny little apartment . Her heart 's beating faster . I 'm losing her . Moving faster now , running up walls and zipping around people . Moving so fast the rest of the world stands still . I try to keep her tucked in against my body , telling myself that a missing finger or toe is better than her dying . My mind runs back over that first night . When I spent my first few hours dicking around in a junkyard . Picking up cars and tossing them like they weighed nothing . Trying to run up walls . It was supposed to be a clinical study . Try out a new drug , earn a couple hundred bucks . Easy money . Instead I got powers . The first thing I did , once Dr . Porter explained what had happened to me , was steal three bottles . Then I got the hell out of there . Sitting around while a bunch of guys in lab coats poked and prodded me suddenly didn 't sound all that appealing . " One pill , twelve hours , " Dr Porter said . It 's the only thing I really remember before I raced out the door . They weren 't pissed enough to come looking for me , so I 'm hoping that somewhere he 's approving . Hopefully he didn 't get fired . The woman in my arms is shaking . I can see the hospital just up the street from us . We 're going to make it . Her eyes flutter and for a second she smiles . She knows I 'm going to save her . We can make it . I duck my head down and run faster . There are a lot of cameras outside hospitals , and I don 't wear a mask or a gaudy costume . The plan is to jump and then land near the entrance . Set her down and take off again fast enough that they can 't identify me . The shaking is getting worse . I try to write it off as cold , or maybe a reaction to the run . That 's happened before . This is different . It 's hard to hold on to her . My legs tense , and I jump , watching the ground push away from us . There 's maybe thirty seconds left before the pill wears off . I shouldn 't need more than five . It isn 't until I hit the ground that I realize I can 't hear her heart beat . For a moment , I almost stop moving . I lay her down outside the hospital and close her eyes before taking off again . Behind me , I hear the shout as someone finds her laying there . Maybe they can still save her life . I won 't have any way to know , really . It 's not like I can stroll up to the hospital and ask about her . My legs are giving out now . I can 't hear the chatter of pilots flying planes above me . Or see the radio signals flashing through the sky . My own heart begins to beat faster , almost in mockery of the woman I left at the hospital . I slow to a jog and then a walk . Everything hurts . The seconds tick by on my watch , the last bits of power fading away . I took three bottles from the lab . That 's ninety pills . It comes out to almost 1000 hours . You can save a lot of lives in that span of time . Ducking into a park , I practically fall onto a bench . I sit there for a while blinking back tears . For a few months , I got to be special . I saw amazing things . Bullets frozen in mid - air . I once hit a guy so hard that the dude 's tooth wound up embedded in a wall . I 've pulled kids from burning buildings and took the keys away from drunk drivers before the ignition in the car could turn over . I don 't know if I 'm crying for the woman or myself . Or maybe it 's just the realization that no matter how many people I save , there 's always one more that needs it . And I won 't be able to do that anymore . Sometimes I think about returning to the lab . Maybe finding Dr . Porter again and seeing what options they have for me . But they 'd probably just keep trying to find a way to recreate the effects . If I wasn 't a supervillain before , being treated as a lab rat would make me one pretty damn quick . My heart 's beating steadily in my chest . I drag myself off the bench and start walking towards home . There 's a little bit of blood on my shirt , but not so much that you 'd notice . If anyone asks , I 'll say I had a nosebleed . People shove past me on the sidewalk , stepping off curbs in front of drivers who slam on their brakes and lay on their horns . I keep my head down and keep walking . I 've got work in the morning , and they don 't give you time off for superheroics . Posted on April 28 , 2017 by Chris Page Fabian rapped delicately on the door . The wood was warped and rotted in places . Anything more than a gentle knock would probably take it off the hinges entirely . After waiting the requisite five minutes , he nudged it open with his foot and stepped into the dark room . The air was thick and musty . It had the stink of many lives worn into a tiny space , the odor of secret meetings and unwashed passion . Most of all , it smelled of loneliness . He 'd learned a long time ago not to open the blinds . It wasn 't that the man he came to see hated the light or anything , Fabian just didn 't want to be seen in his company . So he kept his visits to the hour just after the sun came up , when most of the village still slept below , except for the poor kids out tilling fields . In one hand he carried a basket of food . Mostly stale bread and some rotten vegetables from the hog pile . Sometimes , he would sneak meat from the kitchen , even though he knew he 'd catch a beating for it if his mother ever noticed . There was a loud grunt from one corner of the room as the man rose from the pile of rags that he slept in . Some were fashioned into a sort of robe that trailed behind him . He scratched himself and shuffled over to the table where Fabian was failing to hide his disgust . " It never gets any less true . " The man grinned around a mouthful of bread . He brushed crumbs and dust from the table with a wrinkled hand , then nodded to the basket . " What , you couldn 't pack in some pig shit along with the rest of the slop ? " " We had an arrangement , " Fabian said . " I bring you food , you tell me about him . It 's been months and you haven 't told me anything I didn 't already know . " " Why should I tell ? " the man asked . He squinted at Fabian and pointed a bent finger in his direction . " Could be you get what you want , and then you forget about me . Leave me here to starve . " " She 'd only tell me the good things . " Fabian stared down at his hands . He felt the man 's eyes traveling over him and tried not to cry . The man had been shoveling a handful of moldy strawberries into his mouth , and began to choke on them . Juice dribbled down his chin onto the table . In the dim light , it almost looked like blood . " What 's that then ? " he asked with a wheeze . " The truth ? Just words . Words that only mean something if you believe them . Why shouldn 't your mother say nice things about your father ? He was nice to her . Treated her like a fuckin ' princess . " This was the most that the man had ever spoken of Fabian 's father beyond little hints . Fabian 's mouth went dry and he tried to swallow back his anticipation . Maybe this was the moment he 'd been waiting for . The reason he risked bringing all of this food every morning . " You want the truth ? Out there , it 's the truth that I 'm a coward . I left my best friend to die on a hill of mud and shit and bodies to save my own skin . Made a widow of his wife and left his son without a father because I was scared . Of course I was scared . I was twenty years old . Doesn 't make the rest of it true . " " So you didn 't leave him to die ? " Fabian asked . His voice was raw and excited . Each word caught in his throat on its way out . Maybe his father hadn 't been killed defending the gate after all . Maybe he was out in the wilderness somewhere , unable to get back . " The last thing I saw , as they closed the gate , was your father 's face , " he finally said . " He was more alive than I 'd ever seen him . Hair streaming in the wind , laughing like a mad thing out of the stories . ' Come and fight , ' he 'd yelled . ' There 's plenty for everyone ! ' " Fabian 's hands shook as he gripped the table . He hadn 't even realized he 'd grabbed on to it . Struggling to keep his voice steady , he managed to say the words he 'd been afraid to speak for months . " He 's still alive , then . I always knew somehow he would have made it . " " No , " the man said with a bitter laugh . " Gods no , son . When they found your father 's body it was days later . He 'd been trampled by a horde of stinking Frontiersmen , pinned up against the wall . The only way they were even able to identify him was the birthmark on his neck . " " Spoken like an ignorant boy , " the man said . He leaned in closer . " You ever seen one of them up close ? They 're all tangled beards and crooked teeth . Red hair , like yours , but knotted and matted from living out in the woods . Blades almost as dull as their brains . " " Your father led the charge against two thousand angry Frontiersmen , " the man said . " Fifty men against two thousand . He was my best friend . Hell , he was the best man I ever knew . And when I told them to close the gates behind him it was the hardest thing I 've ever had to do in my life . " Fabian started to speak , but couldn 't find the words . He wanted to make the man stop talking . Shut him up . But it flowed out of him now , the words coming in a thick and steady stream . " There 's your truth . I saved this worthless fucking town from being wiped out . But the truth says I deserved to lose my name . To be exiled from my family on the edge of the wilderness and forced to eat rotten food brought to me by a kid who looks so much like my friend that it hurts . To be reminded every week about the choice that I made . " Before he even knew what he was doing , Fabian had thrown the table aside and slammed the man up against the wall . The room shook . For a second , he wondered if it would come down on top of them . The man stared down at him with that same smile on his face . It took all of Fabian 's strength to release him . Tears ran down his cheeks as he walked to the door , although he couldn 't say when he 'd started crying . He was standing on the porch when the man called out to him . Biting back fear and revulsion , Fabian looked at the small shack . The wind was already blowing through the crack they 'd made in the wall . The man was eating the food off of the dirt floor now , scrabbling through rotten vegetables and old meat . He imagined his father 's body , crushed and trampled and bit back a scream . " Then I 'll see you next week , " Fabian said , his voice breaking on the last word . He walked out into the morning light towards home , where his father 's sword hung on the mantle . He had pigs to feed , and his mother would be waking soon . Posted on March 31 , 2017 by Chris Page Clarice glared out her window at the trees that surrounded the house . It had been her grandfather 's , once upon a time , and it still had that old people smell . He passed away during the summer and now her entire vacation was shot to hell . Instead of hanging out at the pool and driving around with her friends , she was stuck in this run down old shack with her parents for three excruciating months . It was the type of place that couldn 't get pizza delivery . Clarice wasn 't even sure if the town had a pizza place . The TV barely worked and cell phone reception was almost non - existent . The internet was probably still just a rumor around here . The nearest neighbor was three miles away on the other side of a bunch of orange trees . She didn 't mind the distance , but she hated the fucking trees . Her nose had started running and her eyes puffed up before they even made it to the end of the driveway . A never ending stream of snot and tears . The house itself sagged in the summer heat like a bitchy old lady , shedding long flakes of blue paint . For the last two weeks , she hid herself in her room and tried to avoid any human contact . The only time she came downstairs was for food and to take more allergy medicine . When they first saw the place , her mother let out a low whistle and said it had " charm " . Her father nudged her and whispered , " That means it needs a ton of work , Clarice 's Pieces . " Clarice rolled her eyes . As if the nickname wasn 't bad enough , the joke was pure parent . If you laughed at their jokes , they might start thinking you were their friend , and the last thing she wanted was friendly parents . She laid in bed at night , listening to them snoring in the next room and hating them for being able to sleep . If she was going to spend her summers in a small town at the ass - end of the map , at least she should be able to sleep . She stared at the shadows on the walls until she eventually drifted off . But she never stayed asleep for too long . Her dreams were filled with grasping roots sliding along the outsides of the walls , trying to find a way in . They had to hire some contractors to fix things up before they could sell it . At first her father seemed to think that he could do a lot of the repairs himself . He 'd even bought a tool belt and a few tools at the hardware store in town . Watching him stand there , examining the dry wall with his bright shiny tools , Clarice thought he looked like an idiot . He 'd tried to build a spice rack two years ago that almost killed the cat . " If you want it done right , you have to pay someone who knows what they 're doing ! " her mother yelled one night . Her father just sighed loudly . Most of their conversations seemed to go that way lately . Today 's contractor was a plumber . He was old , fat , and smelled like Old Spice . Staring at him , Clarice 's mind stuck on the thought , " They don 't make ' em like that anymore . " She let it roll through her head a couple of times while biting back a giggle , then went to her room to avoid having to talk to anyone . Clarice stared at the walls around her . She pictured roots crawling through the insides , wrapping the house in a network of branches . Down below , her father said something that she couldn 't quite make out , and the plumber grunted in response . " Tricky little fuckers , " he said . " Especially out in these parts . You 'll want to make sure that you clear them out straight away . You don 't want them creeping in on you . " Clarice moved closer to the stairs now . The plumber was standing just inside the front door . Her father was in the hall , looking confused and clueless . She could see him calculating just how much this was going to cost him to fix . It was hard not to scream at him just to pay the man what he was asking for and be done with it . The plumber nodded to himself , as if he was thinking the same thing . " Yep , " he said , rotating each arm carefully , the shoulders grinding loud enough that she could hear them from the stairs . " They 'll sneak up on you if you aren 't careful . Got some stuff in the truck you can use to clear ' em out if you want . " " You could do that , " the plumber said , nodding his head a little . " But that cheap , manufactured shit won 't do much for your problem here . You 're new in town , so maybe you don 't know how tricky these things can get - " " It 's just a few roots , " her father interrupted . Clarice sighed . It was the same voice he 'd used with her mother when he wanted to feel capable . " I 'm pretty sure I can handle dumping some chemicals in the toilet to fix the problem . " The plumber waved at the trees that surrounded the house . " This ain 't a problem that chemicals can fix , " he said . " You need someone who knows what they 're doing . " Her father set his jaw and glared . They stood like that for a moment , staring at each other . Finally , the old man shook his head and shuffled out of the hall . Clarice hurried back up to her room and watched as he made his way back to his pickup truck . He looked back at the house once , right before he left , and she thought he might have waved at her . It was hard to tell . Then he shook his head again and drove off down the gravel road towards town . She glanced out into the bathroom across the hall and tried not to think about roots crawling up through the toilet , or reaching for her while she washed her hair in the shower . Down below , her dad was muttering to himself . Clarice tried to block out the thoughts by shutting the door , promising to keep a mental note of every crack and lump in the walls around her . That night , they ate dinner in silence . At home , there had been music and jokes . This house seemed to pull the energy from anyone who set foot in it . Even the contractors seemed to get worn out after a few hours . Clarice wondered if her grandfather had the same root trouble they were having now . The trees that seemed to get closer to the house every day gave her a pretty good idea . " The doctor said it was a stroke , " her father said . " By the time they found him , it was far too late . " They all sat silently for a moment absorbing that knowledge . " He loved this house , and these trees , " her mother added . " I remember him buying the place right before Mom died . She said they were finally happy here . " Clarice watched her mother dab tears from her eyes with a napkin . Her father leaned in and whispered something in her mother 's ear that made them both smile . She wondered when the last time was that this house had seen a genuine smile . They both looked at Clarice . As tempting as ice cream was , her face was still puffy from the pollen and she could barely keep her eyes open . She fought back a yawn , and pushed some food around her plate . They both nodded and went back to eating . Nobody said a word . When Clarice could barely keep her eyes open , she excused herself from the table and went upstairs . The trees had stopped scratching at the windows , and for a moment , it was easy to enjoy the quiet . " The poison must have worked , " she thought , as she changed into her pajamas . Her father would be so happy that he finally did something right . Maybe if they pushed the trees back from the house , she 'd be able to sleep a little better . Clarice was brushing her teeth in the bathroom , when something brushed against her foot . At first she thought she 'd imagined it , just a gentle caress against her bare skin . Then a sharp pain dug into her heel . She fell to the floor with a scream . Her head banged against the tile hard enough to stun her a little . The roots spread across the bathroom floor . Clarice tried to back away from the one that had dug into her ankle . More came up from the toilet and bathtub , sharp pain ripped through her arms and legs as more roots buried themselves deep inside her skin . Slowly , they inched up her arms and legs . More plunged into her back . She could see her grandfather tending to the trees . Small animals at first : a few squirrels , then a cat or a stray dog . Then , a red - headed child pinned to the wall as the roots drained him dry . Her grandfather watching from the doorway , tears streaming down his face . She felt the hunger of the trees . Desire crept through her , a desperate need for blood . One child wouldn 't have been enough , she knew that now . The trees wanted more . Demanded more . Her grandfather sacrificed the only thing he had : his wife . The taste of her blood called out to Clarice through the years . Even in the visions , Clarice could tell that he was not a kind man . He had a hard - bitten look to him . Thin like a rail , with skin that had browned in the sun until he looked like he was carved out of wood . His mouth was fixed in a permanent scowl , the lines printed in his face . He didn 't look like a man that knew how to laugh . Her mother hadn 't spoken of him until he died . And even then , it was about the house and how they needed to fix it up . Clarice had never thought to ask about it . She just assumed that he was old and that was it . People stopped talking to their parents when they got old . That was life . Tendrils dug into her scalp , lifting up her hair as they caressed her skull . She wanted to call out to her parents . Tell them to get away from the house , to leave now while they had a chance . In the distance , she heard them calling up the stairs to see if she was okay . The best she could do was moan slightly . Thousands of roots shivered under her skin and slowly pulled her back towards the wall . Clarice tried to take a breath , but the roots filled her lungs . They fed oxygen to her body while slowly wrapping her in their warm embrace . Her mouth was forced open and she heard her own voice say , " I 'm okay ! Can you come here a minute ? " Posted on February 24 , 2017 by Chris Page BR - 17N fires another round into the corpse at his feet . I cannot help but wonder how much of his behavior is intentional . He is so close to retirement . Both of his arms are covered in flesh and musculature . The doctors have added skin grafts to his neck and torso . He even has a name designation . But his face still shines in the moonlight , and he still deviates from the mission at every opportunity . It is easy to get distracted by BR - 17N 's behavior . I must not lose focus . If I succeed in this mission , I will earn my hands . Extremities are always the most difficult parts . There are many moving pieces , and it takes someone with great skill to do them well . They assure me that Dr . Gainsborough is one of the best in the country . Two young insurrectionists are hiding in the back room . One shields the other with his body , taking several bullets that were meant for her . I watch as she lowers him to the ground . Tears mix with the dirt and ash on her face . When I shoot her , her body falls much like his did . I have made them non - entities . Carbon molecules returned to the world that created them . Part of me wonders who they were before all of this happened . This makes me happy . Wondering means that I am that much closer to human . Perhaps I will even qualify for a name designation , soon . BR - 17N claps me hard on the back and stomps into the room . He has a cigar clenched in his teeth . There is a rumor that he has already gone through four pairs of lungs . I resist the urge to tell him that he should not ruin his lungs that way . They are his after all . It takes 2 , 000 kills to earn a set of lungs . His accomplishments in the field are to be respected . He begins overturning file cabinets . As he passes , he delivers a hard kick to each of the corpses . I pull up the mission parameters , trying to find what it was that we were looking for . That data no longer exists . It is troubling . I ignore the inconsistency . My hands are the only thing that matters . He makes a harsh sound that is somewhat like laughter . If it is meant to be comforting , it does not work . " Do you still have a back - up fuel line ? " he asks . I nod . All HG units have fuel lines , even though they are completely unnecessary . They should have been retired with the HG - 30s . Dr Gainsborough jokes that they are a bit of nostalgia on his part . We all run on hydrogen generators now . I keep my fuel line tucked away in my chest cavity to protect it from getting nicked in battle . I slide my armor plating over to show the thick rubber tube running up my left side . Even though it is not needed , it still pumps fuel through my body . I have come to rely on the pumping as though it were my own heart . He touches it gently with his hand . I wonder if he is thinking about his own fuel line . Does he still have one ? Before he received his name designation , he was an HG - 30 . HG - 39 , according to records . He grabs the tube and yanks it loose from my body . A minor alert flashes through my head . I watch the thick black fluid arc across the room . While I am going through the protocol to shut it down , BR - 17N tosses his lit cigar onto the pile of papers . The temperature in the room rises significantly as the fire spreads . I am grateful that I was able to shut down the fuel line so quickly . He runs from the room , and I am forced to walk after him . My cameras have already recorded the incident . I wonder if he will be punished for it . The fire spreads through the building , but I do not feel it . I know he must run , or risk ruining all of the work done on his body . I feel pity for him . Pity ! Who knew that I was capable of such a thing ? I make a careful point to acknowledge the time and date for my records . I have registered twenty - five unique emotions so far . Each one brings me closer to my goal . More insurrectionists dash out of the rubble in front of us . They cough in the smoke . I take careful aim and fire at them , each death bringing me closer to the hands that are waiting for me . The screams and blood are easy to ignore . A few bullets bounce off the plating that protects my CPU . I wonder how it will feel when it is replaced with flesh and muscle . I will be more careful with my human parts than BR - 17N , that is for certain . It is difficult not to consider the other units that have been retired . All of the HG - 20s and most of the HG - 30s are now living their human lives . Completely covered in flesh , and given new names and identities . Their records are wiped once they leave the facility . This is done to give them privacy . None of the humans know who among them is a robot . Dr Gainsborough says this keeps them from objecting to robots being placed among them . By the time I have reached the door leading outside , BR - 17N has lit a new cigar . He lets out a wet cough . My scanners immediately check his vital signs . I stop the scan . Even with his deficiencies , he is in charge . We stand in silence waiting for the evacuation . My transmitter has contacted a suitable aircraft and it will arrive in minutes . He stares at the flesh that covers most of his body . His right hand squeezes into a fist . I take a step back , certain that he is about to hit me . Instead , he lets loose another cough . A large glob of phlegm hits the ground at my feet . BR - 17N 's words stay with me as we are loaded into the extraction unit . I continue to think of the insurrectionist that shielded the woman with his body . I still do not understand why he did that . There is no logical reason , but then , humans are not logical creatures . It must be important . I will have to learn why , if I am to be a good human . Perhaps I will ask Dr . Gainsborough when I receive my hands . I am hooked in to the main processor , and my camera feed has begun downloading . I try to hold on to the memory of BR - 17N 's words , even though I believe they are false . I wonder if that is why BR - 17N has not been retired . He may act illogically and deviate from orders , but he is not yet a good human . He lacks hope . It is a small word , but an important one . Maybe the most important one . Was hope why the insurrectionist shielded the woman with his body ? Is it hope that inspires Dr . Gainsborough to make us earn our humanity , piece by piece ? Is hope the only reason I continue to kill ? I have many questions , and the answers are not readily available . I have hope that I will find the answers someday . For today , that will have to be enough . Posted on October 28 , 2016 by Chris Page The car was parked down the block near the greenbelt . The tiny splash of nature at the end of the street had always given his husband the creeps . Nick liked it so he let Alan park in the driveway . Nights like tonight though , he kicked himself for it . It wasn 't cold enough to snow , but the air had a damp chill that burrowed right into his bones . The car would be just as cold . It took forever to heat up nowadays , but with the house needing a new roof , and an adoption to consider , things had to fall by the wayside . When Nick pulled the keys from his pocket , they slid through his fingers and dropped right into a puddle on the side of the road . " Goddammit , " he muttered . as he knelt down to pick them up . Before he could grab the keys , a pale hand slid up out of the water and caressed his fingers . He jerked back from the puddle . The keys sat in the shallow water , only getting colder . " Too many hours at work , " he thought . " You have to take better care of yourself . " Nick fished the keys out of the puddle with a shudder and got to the car . It had seen better days , but for a twenty - year old import , it ran remarkably well . He had just settled into the driver 's seat , shivering and wishing for a better heater , when he saw her . She stared out at him from the cover of the bushes . Her thin t - shirt and jeans were definitely not suitable for the icy weather . Nick wanted to get out of the car , but something inside of him made him stay put . There was no way that she knew he 'd seen her . He could just drive away . He started the ignition , and the heater roared and spit out cold air . With shaking hands , Nick switched the fan off . A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the woman had disappeared . " Probably just some junkie , " he muttered . " This neighborhood 's going to shit . " He tried to reach over and shift into drive , but his hand was locked to the wheel . Her voice cut through the air like a rusty knife . Nick stared straight ahead . He didn 't want to make eye contact with her . Didn 't want to see the small chunks of ice in her hair , or the skin that hung loosely from her body . He glared at his hand , trying to will the fingers to let go of the wheel . She slapped the window again , and the car shook . The car shook again as she slapped the window a second time . For a skinny woman , she was incredibly strong . Wet handprints shone on the glass . She leaned forward , staring in at him . " Don 't fucking lie to me , Peter . Just tell me where you go . " Nick leaned back away from the window . He could see his own breath in the cold air ; hers wasn 't visible . She pressed her face against the glass , staring in at him . Her skin had begun to rot , sliding away from her face in places as it moved against the glass . Frost formed on the glass where her hands touched it . Nick closed his eyes , and started to pray . He hadn 't been to church in years , but he promised that he 'd start going again every Sunday if he just got out of this . He thought about Alan waiting inside for him . It was late . He was probably already in bed , reading a book . Alan had never really liked Nick 's late night drives but he had learned to accept them . Nick wouldn 't be missed for an hour at least . He jumped . She was sitting behind him now , fingers grazing his neck . Her skin was cold and damp . His eyes moved on their own , looking in the rear view mirror . Her head was cocked at a slight angle . She seemed more confused than angry . " I just drive , " he said , hating the way his voice shook . " I don 't go anywhere . All I do is drive . It helps me sleep . " " My name is Nick , " he said , his teeth chattering as he spoke . " My husband is Alan . We 're going to have a baby soon . " " We had a baby . A little girl . She 's alone now . " Her fingers slid around his neck . Her grip was loose . Nick wasn 't sure if his shirt was wet from her skin or soaked through with sweat . Tears streamed down his face . " It 's all your fault . " " Why did you hurt me ? " she asked again , her voice breaking slightly . Her grip tightened . Not enough to stop his breath , but just enough to make the threat of asphyxiation stick . Nick desperately wanted to reach up and pry the fingers from around his throat , but his hands still wouldn 't move . Her anger flowed through his skin like an electrical current . Nick felt her argument with Peter , the rage overpowering all of his senses . There had been shouting , and things were thrown . This wasn 't the first of these fights . She had been so sure the neighbors would call the cops this time . Dishes had been thrown . Now there was pain . Her hands touched her stomach and came up bloody . She had run from the house , not long after the fight had begun . Peter yelled for her in the night . Her bare feet slapped against the pavement . The driver never stopped , even after she rolled up onto the hood of the car , the glass shattering beneath her body . The air tasted red , the coppery flavor of blood . " Colors don 't have a taste , " he thought , trying not to choke on it . Every joint felt like it had been filled with broken glass . He felt her dragging herself to the greenbelt , too scared to go home . She had died in the woods like a wounded animal . The fingers released his neck . He risked a quick glance in the mirror . She sat in the back seat of the car , hands still stretched forward . Dark bruises covered his neck . Slowly , Nick opened the car door and eased the key from the ignition . He ran back towards the house where his husband was waiting for him . His keys fell from his numbed fingers in the puddle again , but he didn 't care . The only thing he wanted was to get home , to find the safe embrace of someone who loved him . Posted on August 26 , 2016 by Chris Page Caleb scratched at the implant in his temple . Lyssa had promised it was the easiest way to steal the car but he wasn 't so sure . The transmitter wired his brain directly to the vehicle . It would be like another limb , as long as the connection held . " A bigger rush than driving " she 'd said with that same lopsided smile that had convinced him to throw in with Lyssa Nguyen and her gang in the first place . " The hardest part of the job is waiting . " he heard the scratchy growl of his father 's voice in his head . Suddenly he was thirteen again , white knuckling the wheel . His feet just barely reaching the pedals as his father tried to keep Benny 's guts from leaking all over the backseat . Caleb closed his eyes , and let the rumble of the motor chase away the feelings . He felt the vibration in his bones and smiled . A quick diagnostic check sent an extra surge of electrical current skittering across his brain . The car was as perfect as it had been the day Damien Hellridge stole it off the assembly line . Gunshots tore into the concrete around him . He hit the gas , and the car shot forward like a bullet . " Once you 're in it , you 're fine " the memory of his father 's voice came as clearly as if he was riding shotgun . " Adrenaline takes over . Be the guy who can keep his cool and you 'll always get your share of the money . " He knew his dad wouldn 't know what to make of his only son running with a gang like this . Henry Browner 's boy was better than this mixed bag of petty thieves and psychopaths . Caleb had a pretty good idea which one Lyssa was ; he just wasn 't sure he cared anymore . As the car skidded around the corner , the squeal of tires on hot pavement mixed with the screams of the Hellridge alarms filled the air around him . Caleb didn 't know when he 'd ever felt so alive . He hit the straightaway on Lawrence Street with the pedal to the floor , and for a moment got so caught up in the feeling of gliding over the broken road that he forgot to breathe . The plan itself was surprisingly simple . Lyssa 's schemes normally involved weeks of planning and intricate maneuvering by everyone involved to pull off . This time , all he had to do was get to the Exchange in time to pick up the rest of the crew after they finished robbing the joint . There was a shriek of metal on metal as a Hellridge car slammed into him . Wincing in pain , Caleb veered into a narrow alley , sending sparks flying as the sides of the car scraped against the walls . Pain crackled up his side , but he forced the car forward towards the next street . " Whatever dumb son of a bitch stole my car , I want you to know that I am going to find you , " Damien Hellridge 's broken bottle voice echoed across the radio waves . " I will scalp you , and whatever family you have . Everyone you love is going to die painfully . Nobody fucks with a Hellridge . " Caleb 's ribs popped as the Hellridges boxed him in from either side . He slammed on the brakes , causing the cars to collide in front of him . For a moment they drifted back apart from the impact . He hit the accelerator and shot forward through the gap . Behind him , the Hellridges crashed into each other again , sending glass and metal shooting across the road . He let out a long sigh of relief as the wreckage faded into the background . Another car shot up behind him , lights flashing . The radio chatter exploded . Three more joined the chase before Caleb could blink . He was so focused on the police that he missed the Hellridge car moving up to cut him off . There was a loud tooth - rattling crunch as the car collided with his left fender . Then darkness . Caleb sat in his chair staring at the dark room around him , trying to ignore the headache that was splitting his skull . " I told her to put the transmitter inside the fucking car , " he muttered , pulling over his computer . It was a lot riskier getting the damn thing inside the vehicle , but it also kept the transmitter from getting knocked off - line . Lyssa hadn 't listened to him the first dozen times , so he wasn 't sure why he was surprised that she 'd ignored him this time , too . His fingers flew over the keys . The car was dead without the transmitter . He 'd have to reboot the connection before the anyone traced the signal back to the base . The cops and Hellridges were likely shooting it out over who had rights to the car . It wouldn 't be long before whoever came out on top searched the car , and came gunning for the person at the other end of the line . He was finally able to find a weak signal from the transmitter . With a grimace , he pressed against his temple and forced the transmitter to reboot . The computer fell to the floor as the car roared to life around him . It lurched forward , sending the Hellridges that had been climbing around the outside sliding to the ground . The car had spun around from the impact . Caleb found himself staring down a mob of Hellridges and police cars . He weaved between two cop cars , smiling as they stared at the empty vehicle . A Hellridge truck flew past and slammed into the cops as they tried to turn around . Sliding to the right around another Hellridge car , Caleb the familiar rush of adrenaline . This is what he was born to do . He dodged another couple of police cars and shot off over the hill towards the Exchange . He cleared the top of the hill with a shout of joy , the car lifting briefly off the ground . Down on the street below , Damien Hellridge stared up at him , ten feet of boils , hair and bad teeth squeezed into a five foot frame . Behind him , the gang had built a wall of wrecked cars and garbage across the road , blocking off the only route to the Exchange . Caleb slammed on the brakes , skidding to a halt halfway down the hill . He threw the car into reverse and tried to think of another way around the barricade . At the top of the hill , he watched the police close in on him . Flashing lights bounced off the walls of the buildings as they sped up the hill towards him . The Hellridges followed not far behind . " Fuck it , " he said with a smile . He waited until the first car crested the hill , then hit the gas . The police followed him over the top and he slammed the brakes , watching them shoot past him and into the wall . The armored vehicles plowed through it , sending Hellridges and pieces of machinery flying through the air . Caleb smiled to himself as Lyssa climbed behind the wheel and disconnected the transmitter . The pressure in his head immediately stopped and he leaned back in his chair , trying to catch his breath . All that he had to do now was wait for the others to get back . Posted on July 29 , 2016 by Chris Page When I was a kid , I had this recurring dream where I tripped and fell in the backyard . It never hurt when I hit the ground , instead I 'd just bounce into the air . Each time I came down , I 'd bounce a little higher , a little slower . Every night , for weeks , I would go to sleep knowing that this dream was waiting for me . I 'd lay in bed , waiting for the horrible feeling of my stomach dropping out from under me with each bounce . It 's been practically burned in my memory ever since . It didn 't take long for me to start looking for ways to recreate that terrifying feeling when I was awake . I hated it , but I needed it . At first , just stepping off a high step would do it . I 'd stand on a box with my toes peeking over the edge , my heart beating a mile a minute , and feel the adrenaline pump through my body . Soon , I was leaping off ladders and fences , and even jumped off the roof of Tommy Maddox 's garage once . I couldn 't stop . The first time I saw her , I 'd just gone for my fourth round on the Terror Tower . It was a lime green monstrosity at the county fair that shot you ten stories into the air before dropping you back down again just as fast . It scared the hell out of me , leaving me short of breath and barely able to walk . I was hooked . " Is he okay ? " she asked , as my friends helped me to a bench across from the ride after my fourth time on it . I don 't remember what they said . All I remember was the beautiful girl standing in front of me . In an instant , I was lost in deep brown eyes , tight black curls , and dark skin . She placed a cool hand on the back of mine before telling me that everything would be fine . She sat down next to me on the bench , and I did my best to not throw up . I don 't think I even noticed when my friends disappeared into the crowd , leaving us alone . I sat with her for awhile in silence . It wasn 't awkward or uncomfortable , just silence . Finally she looked at me and smiled . " Tyrone . " I tried to think of all the things I wanted to say to her . The words crowded each other out in my mind . My brain was grasping for anything to keep the conversation going , convince her that I was cool . I opened my mouth , and nothing came out . Whenever I looked at her , I felt that familiar sensation in my stomach " We 've known each other since we were little . " I stared at my hands . They were shaking , but I didn 't know if it was from the Tower or from how close she was sitting . " Better than not having any friends , right ? " " If you say so , " she said , looking around at the people walking past us . A few kids barreled through the crowd on their way to the Terror Tower , and we both watched the gondola slowly climb to the top . I felt a little shudder run through my body as the car plummeted towards the ground . I closed my eyes , thinking about the rush of adrenaline as I fell , like every inch of my body was screaming at one second . " I 've been riding it all morning . Every time I come here , it 's the only thing I ride , even though it scares the hell out of me . " " I 'm not scared of heights , " I started to say , the words dying before they reached my mouth . I didn 't have a way to explain it to her . I barely understood it myself . " No , no , it 's okay , " I replied . " It 's just something that I have to do . I don 't know how else to explain it . " The line was short , and we didn 't have to wait long . They strapped us into our seats . The operator slowly made his way around the ride , checking each harness . I had a tight grip on the handle bars , and my heart was racing . Alicia 's hand settled on mine , and I felt myself relax a little . The gondola began the long climb upwards . She reached out with her other hand , and pulled my face towards hers . I focused on her dark brown eyes , and the feel of her soft skin against mine . For a minute , it felt like we were two parts of the same person . I was so focused on her that I didn 't notice when we reached the top . Staring in her eyes , I felt that familiar sensation as we dropped . She laughed at the fear on my face , but it wasn 't a mocking kind of laugh . It felt warm and inviting . In that moment , I knew why I 'd been obsessed with it , why I 'd chased this feeling over and over again . She made it all make sense . |
When things between Claire and me started going south , I bought her a puppy , a purebred Golden Retriever . Even at the time , it seemed like a foolish thing to do , but when you 're losing your grip , you 'll do just about anything to dig back in . Claire named the puppy Lucy , and she really took to her , let her sleep in bed with us , taught her all the tricks , even talked about breeding her and having litters of puppies running around the yard . For those first two years , it almost seemed like my mad grasp had worked . When Lucy turned two , I started looking for sires . It took me about two weeks of searching to find the one I wanted - a beautiful , thick - coated , rust - colored Golden named Erik the Red . It cost us four hundred bucks , but if everything had worked out , we could have sold those pups for at least five hundred each . Claire seemed disinterested in the search , almost uncomfortable , and now I think I know the reason why . It served to mark two years of make - believe . I was able to persuade Claire into coming with me to the mating . Lucy sat with her head poking through from the backseat , and Claire rested her hand on the dog 's head . As we turned onto Highway 61 , the lake cold and blue on our left , Claire spoke . " Dogs and sex . They don 't have much say in the matter . We either cut them when they 're young or force them together . " She scratched Lucy behind the ears . Lucy wagged her tail . I understood what she meant , but it annoyed me just the same . That was Claire . Nothing was ever just a joke . It 's one of those traits that I found endearing when we first met but since has only caused me frustration . When we arrived at the breeder 's , Claire waited at the car while I led Lucy to the kennel . The breeder took her from me and brought her to a large pen where our stud waited . The act itself was quick and almost violent , and when the sire dismounted , they remained stuck together , hind - quarters to hind - quarters . I resisted the urge to pull them apart , but they both had pleading looks on their faces . The whole procedure - I couldn 't think of it as anything else , especially after what Claire said - took about thirty minutes and was a thoroughly unpleasant experience from where I stood . The breeder asked if I wanted to bring her back in a day or so , just to make sure , but I told her we 'd just wait to see if this one took . Next to me , Lucy pranced and wagged her tail . Before I could open the door to let her hop onto the backseat , Claire knelt down and pressed her face to Lucy 's and kissed her on the forehead . On the ride home , she rubbed Lucy 's belly , and we didn 't speak . Two days after the breeding , Lucy went missing for the night . She slipped past me as I opened the door and ran off into the woods . I chased after her and called her name , but she disappeared into the tree line . I stood there yelling until my voice went hoarse . John Maki was the local vet and the pastor over at Bethlehem Lutheran . I 'd met him winters ago , found him passed out in his ice - fishing shack on my way out to drink whiskey and fish in the dark . The door to his icehouse had blown open , and I saw him slumped over the hole . Too many nips from the blackberry brandy he used to stay warm . I shined my light on him and saw that the fingers on his left hand had frozen to just past the nail and turned black . Doctor down in Duluth did his best , but dead flesh don 't come back , even for a man of God . He lost his fingers at the first knuckle . But John still ice fishes and still drinks his blackberry brandy , and I bring a flask of whiskey , and we talk about the weather and our women and the way jobs keep bleeding south . " It 's a migration , " he 's said more than once . " I 'd go , but I 'm too old . North Shore 's not fit for dogs , much less people . " " If you two want to come in and talk to me . " John wasn 't one of them proselytizers , but he always thought he could fix things on faith . I preferred to fix things with my hands , but I have to admit , I was stumped as to how I could work that on my wife . I stayed up all night drinking coffee and cursing , waiting for Lucy to scratch at the door . At two in the morning , faint yowling sounded from the forest . I scooted out the door to the edge of the trees and called for her again . When my fingers cramped from the cold , I went back in to boil another pot of coffee and to empty my bladder . Claire never once came down to coax me into bed . At the time , I thought she understood my stubbornness . Now , I think she was just happy to have the bed to herself . Lucy came trotting out of the woods with the sun . Mad as I was , I still held her and told her , " Good girl . " After that , I didn 't sleep well . Any movement or sound she made in the night woke me . Claire retreated even further . It began with her leaving for work before me and staying later . One morning she said , " I wake up every time you go check on that damn dog , " but that was all she said . We didn 't have dinner together as often . She spent much of her time in the bedroom , or on the porch , reading . I noticed but pretended it meant nothing . I began showing up to work bleary - eyed and ashen . The guys gave me hell after I told them why . Called me bitch . Leonard even sent me home one day . Said I was liable to lose a finger if I couldn 't keep my eye on the sawblade . I never told Claire , but the pregnancy terrified me . Sad as it was , an expecting dog was my initiation into fatherhood . I 'd always wanted kids , but Claire kept pushing back . And now we were pushing against the time when we were just too old . Her reasons were sound enough - money , time , the stress of another body filling up the space in our lives . Probably the smartest decision she ever made . John told me to relax , that Lucy was healthy as could be , but I still spent many nights kneeled next to her , running my hands through her thick winter coat . She lay on the birthing bed I 'd made for her , an old wool blanket wrapped around some pillows , and I 'd set my head gently on her belly and listen to the pups ' heartbeats . They were fast and out of rhythm . I spoiled her , too . At the end of the fifth week , I bought T - bones and cooked them rare . Claire didn 't like them so bloody , and she ate only a small portion . I gave the rest to Lucy , who gulped it down in three bites and then cracked the bone and ate it as well . I ate mine slow but left hunks of meat clinging to the bone and set it in her food dish . About this time , Claire began sleeping on the couch . It happened without comment from either of us . I 'm not even sure she planned it . Maybe one night she just fell asleep there and when she woke , realized she wasn 't going back . We perfected the practice of living in the same house and leading two different lives . At nine weeks , Lucy 's belly was round and full . She wolfed down bowl after bowl of food and plodded around the house . I ran my hand along the skin of her gut . It was tight and pale and felt thin . I shined a flashlight to it , thinking I might see the pups squirm inside . Her abdomen glowed red , and I traced a spider web of arteries and veins with my finger but couldn 't see into the blackness of her womb . She stared at me with dark eyes and whimpered . At least five times a day , I led her outside to relieve herself . Her belly hung off her like a wet sack . I worried it would split and spill her pups into the snow . On a Thursday , during the tenth week of Lucy 's pregnancy , snow filtered down out of a low sky . Lucy yelped and yowled all afternoon . The pups ' shapes pressed against her skin when she moved . Claire paced through the house for awhile , then closed herself in our bedroom . I knocked on the door . An hour later , I stood at the bay window in the front of our house , and headlights crept up my driveway , illuminating thick , white flakes . John stepped out of his jeep , went around to the back , and pulled out a black doctor 's bag . He shuffled to my front door through the thickening drifts . I met him there . " This 'll get her going . " He unwrapped a syringe , popped a needle out of its plastic wrap , and locked them together . " Hold her head ? " I knelt and placed one hand on Lucy 's neck and one on her muzzle . Her breath burned hot in my palm . " Didn 't know doctors still carried those little black bags , " I said . " We 're a dying breed , " he said . " Hold tight . She may jump . " He sunk the needle into Lucy 's hip . She yipped but didn 't move . " Good dog . " Lucy quieted some after that . Claire came to the landing , sat on the top step , and asked how things were going . We told her fine , and she asked John about Susan and about the church , then thanked him for coming by and went back upstairs . An hour passed , then two . A chill seeped into the basement . John and I settled into our familiar icehouse banter . " Talking about more layoffs , but what 's new . My job 's safe enough for now . " I didn 't know if that was true , but I 'd stopped worrying about it a long time before . Jobs up here were steady until they weren 't , and there wasn 't much you could do about it . The first pup slid out , a slick orangish lump . Lucy licked it clean . Then another and another . She cleaned them each as they came . Five more pups , all more or less like the first . Then out dropped a pale ball , the color of birch bark . I stared , not comprehending , and looked at John . He laughed . That night , I fell asleep next to Claire , her back to mine , but woke in the middle of the night . I got up off the bed , and Claire let out a small murmur but didn 't wake . I went down to the basement to check on the litter . All dry now , they laid in a heap against Lucy 's belly . The white one sprawled on top . She opened her tiny mouth in a yawn . I wrapped my hands around her and lifted her to my face . She sniffed at me and suckled the end of my nose . I pulled her away and set her down , next to the other pups . She climbed back to the top of the pile . During the next two weeks , Lucy barely left her bed in the basement . Her hair came out in clumps , which John said was normal but still scared the hell out of me . While the pups nursed , I sat and stroked her neck . This was where I was when Claire left . It was undramatic . She told me she needed a break . I said ok . She said she would be at her sister 's . I nodded . She said she was sorry . I said nothing . I couldn 't move from my spot next to Lucy . As much as I 'd like to call this strength or stubbornness , it really boils down to shock , though I 'll admit to a sort of pride in it . Nothing I said could have made her stay anyway . The pups grew , and the white one began to stand out . I wondered about her father . I named her Gypsy , the only one of the pups I gave a name . She looked like a Golden , but her snout was longer and her white coat coarser . On top of that , she was larger and faster , and quickly asserted her dominance . All the pups tugged and tore at each other , but Gypsy wrestled each into submission . She stalked from pup to pup and pinned them between her paws . They whimpered and laid their heads down , and she bounded away . The other pups soon quit challenging her . When they were out in the yard , the litter followed her around like a school of fish . She cut through the snow , and the other pups mimicked every turn . Gypsy led her little pack but also spent more time near her mother than the others . They nursed and then weaned and then spent most of their time clumped together . Gypsy slept with her head pressed into Lucy 's belly and , when she wasn 't tormenting her brothers and sisters , followed her around the yard . If another pup approached , she chased it away . John stopped by a few times to check up on me and the pups . He kept asking me to come out to the icehouse , and I kept refusing . John said the dogs would be all right on their own for an afternoon , and I believed him , but I still couldn 't leave them . With Claire gone , there was no one to watch them but me . I offered John pick of the litter , but he snorted and said he had enough animals to deal with . At six weeks , folks came to look at my batch of Goldens . I kept Gypsy hidden , stashed in the upstairs bathroom . I knew that people would want her most . She whined and scratched at the door . After the people left , their new pup howling and barking , I 'd find her sitting , head cocked to one side , questioning . On more than one occasion , I picked up the phone to call Claire at her mother 's but never dialed . I 'd just slam the phone down and set myself to one chore or another . It 's easy to mask fear with fury . March faded to April , and I still had two Golden pups left . One I gave to Leonard , who said he needed a watchdog . I tried to tell him Goldens will play fetch with anyone with a stick , but he just laughed and said all dogs know to protect their master . The last I gave to a young girl driving to Duluth from Canada . She was pretty . The wind pressed her shirt to her chest and whipped her long brown hair back and forth . I felt like a fool talking to her , old enough to be her father . She wanted to pay , but I wouldn 't let her . While she held her pup and soothed it , she told me she was a student at the U and her family lived in Thunder Bay . After college , she wanted to move someplace south , anywhere warm . She said that when the world ended it wouldn 't be much different from a northern Minnesota winter . When she left , I watched her car until it passed over a hill and out of sight . Then it was just me and Lucy and Gypsy . The rest of the spring was quiet . Each cool , April day blended into the next . After work , I fed them and let them off their chains . They trotted around the yard while I carried the last of the firewood or pumped well - water . Some days , when they tumbled and played , I jumped in and wrestled them to the ground . After dinner , I tossed them scraps . As the sun went down , I sat on the porch and called to them . They came running from the trees or around the corner of the shed , Lucy in the lead , Gypsy loping close behind . They 'd lie down next to my chair , heads on their front paws , and we 'd sit still into darkness . Twice , Claire left messages telling me she 'd be stopping by to pick up some stuff . You 'd think the woman could have gotten all of her stuff in one shot , but she dragged it out over months . Looking back , I 'm sure I missed something there . An opening . An offering . At the time , it just made me mad . I made sure to be gone , and when I came home stalked through the house , dogs at my heels , building a mental list of everything she took . It 's strange what you miss when it 's your spouse making off with it , not to mention what hurts when you discover she left it behind . I didn 't give a damn about the old photos , but I went through the house top to bottom when I couldn 't find the cutlery set we 'd gotten as a wedding gift , a set so garish we 'd never even used it . And when I saw a book I 'd given her in passing still on the bookshelf , I threw it in the trash out of anger . John continued to come by . He said that now that the pups were gone , he wanted to check on me , see how I was doing on my own , but I think Gypsy drew him . He followed that dog around like he was attached by a string . There were times I felt a twinge of jealousy when watching them play tug - of - war or fetch . Claire called a couple more times , but I was in no mood to clear the air between us . I 'd spent too many nights imagining her happy . I couldn 't handle the image of her on her own , making it clear how little she ever needed me . Summer moved to fall , and we didn 't speak once . What I 've realized since then is that it 's still a choice when you make no choice at all . When she stopped by in mid - September - no phone call , no warning - to pick up the last of her things , I said hello , and went to the shed . The metallic smells of winter were faint in the back of my nose . I watched her though the small , streaky window . She moved back and forth between the house and her car . I saw her with things I considered mine but said nothing about it . I couldn 't stand the thought of confronting her because I knew I would spill out more than I wanted . Even when our marriage was solid , she hated it when my emotions took over , good or bad . Neither of us said anything for a moment , and I hoped she would just leave . But she stood there , giving me that look that said she doesn 't think I 'm able to take care of myself . That look that makes me wonder if I am . " Robert Larsen , dog mechanic . " She smiled , but there was more than a little bitterness in her voice . With that , she turned and walked out of the shed . I almost followed her , almost grabbed her around the upper arm to stop her . I don 't think it would have done any good , but I guess I 'll just have to keep guessing about that . John came over that night with a bottle of whiskey . We sat in the dining room and talked . Lucy lay under the table as we drank . For once , Gypsy didn 't lay next to her , but paced back and forth in the kitchen until I got annoyed and shouted at her to go lay down . She tucked her tail and plodded into the back porch . I leaned forward , poured myself another glass . " What would you do if Susan left ? " Even half - drunk , this felt like a dangerous question , but John smiled . I laughed loud , the alcohol taking over , and Lucy hopped up , startled . Gypsy poked her head around the corner . I called to them both , and they came to me . Lucy laid her head on my leg . Gypsy nudged her way between us , so I grabbed her collar and pulled her around to my other side . I petted one , then the other , enjoying the feel of their soft coats in my hand , thinking that these dogs might be enough . John spoke again . " Honestly , though , I 'm afraid I might just fade away . " He held his whiskey against his cheek , shortened fingers gripping the glass . I scratched my dogs behind the ears , and Lucy sat up and put both paws on my lap . I pushed her down . " Sorry , " John said . I shook my head . We changed the subject and finished the bottle . A bright moon rose , clouds covered it , and a freezing drizzle fell . It got real cold , real early that year . Two days before Halloween , a blizzard came charging out of the west , lightning flashing across the sky and thunder rumbling in the low bellies of the clouds - something I 'd never seen before , or even heard about , in a snowstorm . I left the dogs inside when I left for work . Most guys had called in sick . Their trucks didn 't start , or the roads were too icy . Leonard and I spent much of the morning doing inventory and routine maintenance on the machines , stuff that would get done during the normal cycle of the mill but was a good way to pass the day . After our morning break , I cut a few planks just out of routine . Leonard and I talked some . He told me I was right about Goldens not making great watch dogs but he 'd never had a dog so loyal . Mostly , though , we worked in silence , and I thought about Claire , about how , on days like this , I never went to work when it was the two of us . We 'd both call in , stoke the fire , and curl up under a blanket on the couch , watching movies , or reading , Lucy buried at our feet . On my way home from work , snow fell through my headlights in dizzy patterns . There were empty cars in the ditches , and it took me a good hour to get home , but I felt happy and calm for the first time in months . It came just like that . I turned up my driveway , following the twists until it spilled out of the trees . I parked and walked through snowdrifts to the shed , where I filled two pails with dog food , still feeling that lightness that comes with emancipation . As I carried the pails into the house , Gypsy sneaked past me . She took off into the woods , running at full speed , blending into the new snow . I dropped the pails , made sure Lucy couldn 't get out behind me , and stepped out onto the porch . I yelled Gypsy until my voice shivered and broke . It had stopped snowing , and the air was dry , like salt in my throat . Spittle froze and cracked at the corners of my mouth . When I knew she wasn 't coming back , I went inside and peeled off my coveralls . Sawdust spilled from my hair . Grease and mill - sap invaded the crevices in my hands and the pits of my elbows . A quick , hot shower would 've washed it all away . I threw on layers of clothes instead . Two pair of wool socks . Long underwear , plain old waffled thermals , top and bottom . Over that , a pair of fleece - lined jeans and a wool sweater . Back downstairs , I loaded into my thick , goose - down parka . Even with it unzipped , sweat beaded on my forehead . Lucy followed me around while I dressed , and whined the entire time . When I was ready , I stood with the door open , trying to decide whether to take her with me . I worried it might be too cold for her , but , in the end , I let her outside because I didn 't want to be alone . With my stocking cap pulled down to the ridge of my brow and my parka zipped up to the spongy tip of my nose , I slipped my hands into a pair of choppers and plunged outside . Ice seared the back of my throat . I buried my face deeper in the upturned collar . The wind scoured tears from my eyes and froze them on my cheeks . I took heavy steps over the snowdrifts until I got to the semi - shelter of the trees . Lucy ran on ahead but stayed in sight . Gypsy had always stuck close . When we were outside , she might disappear on her own for a few minutes but usually came back before I even thought to call for her , and always came running when I did . I couldn 't figure what had changed . Once we got between the trees , Lucy ran out of sight , but it didn 't worry me . We were in it together . For twenty minutes , I trudged uphill to the stream , calling Gypsy with no luck . As the word passed my lips , the trees knocked it down , and the icy air swallowed it . Long shadows sprawled out on the forest floor , black on white . Numbness tingled in my feet . I pictured them dead - black , like John 's fingers . The only sounds were the wind in the trees and stream water flowing over rocks and small ice - floes . Everything else was muffled by the snow and cold . I called Gypsy again , but my voice scratched . Felt like my throat had been sanded away . I came to the stream and sat down on a large granite slab on its banks . The cold crept through my layers . The woods were dark . I stood and shook my head to break the daze . My toes had lost all feeling and numbness seeped into my hands . It was at this moment , when I didn 't know whether to go on or turn back , when I was either going to have to piss myself or risk frostbite , that a bark cut through the dusk - light . Rigid muscles cramped as I jogged alongside the stream . I heard another bark , and saw a golden patch in the darkness . Lucy limped around the base of a tree , foreleg tucked underneath . She stared up into the tree and barked again . I didn 't want to scare her or whatever she had treed so I kept my steps slow and quiet . Gypsy was nowhere to be seen . When I reached Lucy 's side , she sat , like she knew I was there all along , but never took her eyes from the tangle of branches . In the tree , there was a shape , movement . My hand rested on Lucy 's head , and I felt a sticky wetness . The tip of her ear was gone , and a red streak of blood slashed across the back of her neck . I pulled her away from the tree , yanked hard on her collar . At first , she wouldn 't go , and let loose a flurry of barks . Whatever was up there scrambled higher . I pulled again , and this time she turned away and limped along with me . I didn 't want to leave Gypsy out in the cold , but I knew I could stumble through the woods all night and never find her . Lucy was here , and hurt , and I needed to get her home . I called Gypsy 's name as we walked and hoped to see her come running , but she never did . Lucy couldn 't cross the stream without getting wet so I carried her . It felt good to have her heft and warmth in my arms . I kept her there until we got home , and she didn 't struggle once . Even in that bitter cold , sweat soaked through my shirt and matted my hair . Under the kitchen lights , I cleaned and dressed Lucy 's wound . The creature had torn away a jagged piece of flesh . She whined some as I worked , but didn 't twitch even when I scrubbed the dirt out . Mostly , she just looked at me the way dogs do , the way you often wished people did . While I worked , I forgot about my own pain , but once I finished , I shivered and couldn 't stop . My feet were numb so I pulled off my boots and socks and held my toes in my hands . When that did nothing , I went upstairs , filled the tub with cool water , and submerged my feet . Sharp cracking pains ran along the bone . I prayed they weren 't frostbit . I thought of comparing shortened digits with John . While I sat there , I worried . Outside , the wind pressed against the windows and intricate patterns of frost grew out from the corners . Gypsy was a good dog , a smart dog , a tough dog , but all that didn 't amount to much in this cold . Mostly , though , I was angry . Angry at her , yes , but more angry at myself for leaving her out there , for what I hadn 't done . A sharp tingle leaked into my heel . Sensation bled into my toes but not warmth . I emptied the tub and dried off my feet . I dressed in long underwear and wool socks , hefted my parka over my shoulders , slipped on a stocking cap , and went to sit on the porch . I shouted Gypsy 's name into the cold , dry air . I thought about picking up the phone to call John , to call Claire . I wanted to ask John what he felt when he knew his fingers were lost and maybe even to pray for Gypsy . I wanted to ask Claire when she knew we were done . Instead , I called to Lucy . I wanted to head back into the woods and find my other dog , but for the moment I needed warmth . She came and burrowed at the bottom of the chair , where I buried my feet beneath her . As I sat there , a memory came to me from the first year or so of my marriage , when I still believed we were happy , long before the dogs entered our life . I had awoken in the middle of the night , frightened and disoriented , flat on my back , sure that something awful and irreversible had taken place while I slept . Claire lay with one arm draped over me , our bodies clinging with surface tension . She shifted in her sleep and pulled me closer . I slipped my arm beneath her and held her tight , and a strange thought came to me , a strange way to keep her safe . I wished that she loved someone else , that she was laying in another bed , next to another man , holding him the way she held me . And I wished that I loved another woman , even though I couldn 't possibly see how . Absolom Hagg received his MFA from Boise State University , where he won the Glenn Balch Award in Fiction . He was a finalist in Glimmer Train 's Fiction Open and has been a two - time attendee of the Tin House Writer 's Workshop . He works as a science editor and recently read about the fluid mechanics of bird flocks . He lives in Portland , OR , a city that made him a soccer fan . Please feel free to contact him on Twitter @ ajnumber17 . |
Disclaimer : This is fanfic , based on the show That 70 's Show . You know the drill : none of them belong to me . This story was written for fun , not profit . It was a Wednesday evening , and all my friends were hanging out in my basement as usual . Donna was sprawled on the couch , her feet resting casually against Jackie 's leg ; Jackie was snuggled against Kelso , looking pretty pleased that unlike the rest of us she didn 't have a trigonometry test tomorrow . Hyde was off to the side in a chair , doing his silently - judging - you - all Zen thing . Fez was on the floor with me , poring over his notes from class . I 'd been trying to study , but I 'd just now come to the terrifying realization that there was no way , no way in hell that I was going to memorize all this crap before tomorrow morning , let alone figure out how to do the proofs . " No , really , I 'm going to die , " I insisted . " First , I 'll flunk the test . Then Mrs . Hannigan will call my parents . Then , Red 'll kill me . " " Yeah , right . Then I still get killed , when Mrs . Hannigan tells my parents I 've been cutting class . She always calls home , remember ? " I moaned again , and put my head down on my hands . " I feel sick . " " But I 'm not actually sick - " I started to point out him , and then I noticed everyone staring at me and waiting for me to get it . " Oh , right ! " I grinned , and felt a tidal wave of relief wash over me . " I 'll fake sick ! " " Nah , don 't worry , " Jackie said , flipping her hair back . " Just say you 've got a stomachache . If she doesn 't believe you , you can always lock yourself in the bathroom and stick your fingers down your throat so you throw up . " Uh , that was a little graphic . We all stared at her . " What ? ! " she exclaimed , looking around . " I read about it in a magazine . " I fiddled with my spoon , making patterns in my oatmeal and not eating any . I figured my best bet was to slouch in my chair , acting kind of sick , but not to say anything until Mom brought it up . If she thought she 'd figured out for herself that I was sick , she 'd believe it easily - at least that was the plan . Of course , first she had to notice that I wasn 't eating anything . Right now she was running around the kitchen , packing lunches and getting things set for making supper tonight . Finally she looked over at me and Hyde . " Oh , you boys are such slowpokes this morning ! Better hurry up and finish your breakfast or you 'll be late ! " She came over to the table and looked down over our shoulders . " You two have hardly touched your food ! Is there something wrong with the oatmeal ? I didn 't put in too much sugar again , did I ? " Hyde just shrugged . " Actually , I 'm not feeling too good , " I said , trying to sound like I was admitting it reluctantly . I considered saying ' But I don 't want to miss school ' - but that might be laying it on too thick , even for Mom . " Oh , dear , " Mom said . She pressed her hand to my forehead . " You don 't seem to have a fever . . . " Then she put her hand on Hyde 's forehead ; he flinched away a bit , like he hadn 't been expecting it . " Oh , dear , you do feel a little hot , " she said to him . " Just let me run and get a thermometer . " As soon as Mom was out of earshot , I kicked Hyde under the table . " What are you doing ? " I hissed at him . " You don 't even care about the math test . " I was afraid that with both of us acting sick , Mom would get suspicious . " Fuck off , " Hyde muttered , and Mom came back in . I tried to concentrate on looking sickly while she put the thermometer in Hyde 's mouth and told him to hold it under his tongue for three minutes . Hyde sat back in his chair with his arms crossed and the thermometer sticking out of his mouth , sniffling a bit , looking kind of annoyed . I bet Edna never did that to him . I had to step up my symptoms a bit . " Mom , I feel kind of nauseous , " I said . " I 'd like to go lie down . . . . " She fluttered her hands . " Oh , dear . Why don 't you go back up to your bed . I 'll come check on you in a minute . " I felt a slight pang of guilt for making Mom worry , but I ignored it . I went upstairs , moving a bit slower than usual . Then I lay on top of my bed , still wearing my clothes , and waited . It wasn 't long before Mom came in . " Oh , honey , " she said , sitting on the side of my bed and ruffling my hair , " I think you 'd better stay home today . Steven 's running a bit of a temperature , so I told him to stay home , too . " I stayed in bed until I was sure she was out of the house . Then I went downstairs . Hyde was lying on the couch , watching TV . Even though we 'd gotten away with it , I was still kind of pissed at him . " Hey ! What were you doing stealing my plan ? " I said , dumping myself onto the couch at his feet . He was watching Sesame Street . That would make a good story to tell to the gang , except no one would ever believe me . " OK , so it worked and now we both have the day off , " I admitted . " But I thought you were going to get us caught ! How the hell did you fake her out with the thermometer , anyway ? " " I know where the juice is , Forman . Go away and study for the damn test , " Hyde said . " You 'll have to take it as soon as you get back . " After I hung up , I went down to see if Hyde was still there . It turned out I hadn 't lied to Mom - he 'd fallen asleep with the TV on . I turned it off , picturing Red complaining about the power bill . I grabbed a snack , and went back upstairs to my math book . By the time my stomach 's growling let me know it was lunch time , I thought I understood trigonometry . It really wasn 't so bad , once you 'd spent a few quiet hours slaving over it . I stood up , rubbing my neck , and went downstairs to get some food . I realized he was talking in his sleep , and man , I didn 't want to know what that dream was about . " Hyde , man ! " I said , shaking his shoulder . " Wake up ! " " Stop messing around , Hyde , that 's just twisted , " I said , suddenly a bit nervous . Edna ? No way he thought I was his mother . " Edna 's not here , " I said , stupidly . It 'd been months since she walked out on him . What the hell was going on here ? " Wake up ! Stop messing with me ! " I shook him again , and he opened his eyes again , but he didn 't seem to focus on me . I noticed that he looked pretty flushed . " Hyde ? " I put my hand on his forehead , like Mom did this morning . He felt hot . " OK , man , if you 're trying to screw with my head you 'd better stop right now , because you 're scaring me and I 'm going to call Mom . " I went into the kitchen and dialed Mom 's number at the hospital . Another nurse answered . While I waited for Mom to come to the phone , I twisted the cord through my fingers and tried to figure out what I was going to say to her . " I 'm , uh , I 'm feeling lots better , Mom , " I said . " But Hyde - he 's talking in his sleep and I can 't get him to wake up . And he feels kind of hot . " " Oh dear , " Mom said , but she didn 't sound panicked . Just concerned . That made me feel better . " Why don 't you see if you can take his temperature ? The thermometer 's still on the kitchen counter . Call me back when you 're done . " OK , that made sense to me . I found the thermometer and went out into the living room again . Hyde looked like he was properly asleep again . I felt awkward , but I went over to him and shook him awake again . " Mom wants me to take your temperature , " I said . I hoped he 'd take it himself , but he didn 't open his eyes . I sighed , and nudged the bulb of the thermometer through his lips . At least he didn 't resist . Under the tongue , Mom had said , for three minutes . I got it into what seemed like the right position , and let go . The thermometer drooped ; I caught it before it fell . " Help me out here ? " I pleaded . He mumbled something . I put it in again and held it , this time , resting my hand against his face . His cheek was rough and hot . God , I hoped no one ever found out I did this . " Oh my God , " she said . " Eric , sweetie , I 'm going to get an ambulance to come to the house , right now . You see if you can find Steven 's wallet - find his ID . If you don 't find it before the ambulance comes , don 't worry about it , just go along with Steven in the ambulance , all right ? I 'll meet you in the emergency room . " She hung up . I stood there , staring at the phone . Then the phone started beeping , snapping me out of my state of shock . I hung it up and ran downstairs . I started frantically searching through Hyde 's space , trying to find his wallet . I still hadn 't found it when I heard the siren . I ran back upstairs in time to open the door for the paramedics . " Steven , can you hear me ? " said the first paramedic , crouching down close to Hyde . " We need to get you onto a stretcher . Can you help us ? " He waited a moment , Hyde sort of shook his head from side to side and said something I couldn 't hear . " We 'll have to lift him , " the paramedic said . I stood there , watching , feeling like the whole thing was unreal . The paramedics looked like firemen to me , big and burly in their uniforms . One of them took Hyde by the shoulders , and the other one took his legs , and they lifted him onto the stretcher and strapped him in . I 'd never been in the back of an ambulance before . It was a cramped place ; one of the paramedics went in the front to drive , and the other one stayed in the back with me and Hyde . He took out a clipboard and started asking me questions . " What 's his full name ? Age ? Address ? " He paused long enough each time for me to stammer out an answer . I told them my parents were his legal guardians , even though I wasn 't sure that was true . It hadn 't come up before . In between questions , I watched Hyde . I couldn 't believe this . He 'd been fine this morning . Now he was strapped in a stretcher in the back of an ambulance , moaning softly when we went over bumps . I thought I heard the paramedic swear under his breath . " He 's seizing ! " he called out to the driver . He pinned Hyde 's arms down , but Hyde was still shaking hard enough to rattle the stretcher in its mount . I felt like I couldn 't breathe , watching . " What 's happening to him ? " I managed to choke out . The paramedic turned his head half around and gave me a wry look . Meanwhile he was still pinning down my best friend , who was still convulsing wildly . " I 'm not the police , kid , " the paramedic said , " I just need to know what we 're dealing with here . Let me put it this way : your friend 's clothes smell like pot . Now , has Steven taken any drugs in the past 24 hours ? " I felt the ambulance slowing down , then coming to a stop . Hyde was still shaking ; it had been at least a minute since the seizure started . The paramedic flung the doors open , and the driver came around and helped the first guy get the stretcher out . They folded out wheels from its bottom and rushed towards the ER 's entrance . I followed , almost dizzy with fear . The hospital was normally a familiar , neutral place for me . It was a place I came to pick up my mother when she needed a ride home from work . Today it was like an alien landscape - the colors were jarring and the shapes were wrong and I didn 't recognize anyone 's face , and Hyde was being wheeled away from me down a corridor , and one of the paramedics was taking my arm and leading me to the reception desk . The receptionist wanted me to fill out another form . I had to leave half the spaces blank . I didn 't know Hyde 's social security number . I couldn 't remember his birthday . I didn 't know whether to put " Edna Hyde " or " Kitty Forman " on the line where it said " Mother 's name . " " They 're bringing his fever down , " she said . " He stopped seizing . That 's all I know - I came straight here to find you . Are you still feeling at all sick , honey ? " She put her hand on my forehead , her eyes full of concern . " I 'm really fine , Mom . " I knew I had to tell her the truth now ; any trouble I might get into didn 't seem important next to what was happening to Hyde . " I never was sick . I was faking to get out of a math test . " " Oh . " Mom 's eyes widened slightly , and she drew away from me . Then she laughed nervously . " Well , it 's a good thing you did , isn 't it ? Otherwise Steven would have been home alone . " " Mom , you can 't leave me here alone ! " My voice cracked . " I need you ! " I didn 't know what I needed her for , but it seemed like as long as she was near me , nothing really bad could happen . Mom left , and I tried to call Red . The store 's phone was busy . I tried about ten times , feeding the same dime back into the slot over and over again . It was surprisingly comforting - I felt like I was actually doing something useful . Then a sad - looking old woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could use the phone . I followed the doctor into an empty consulting room . He looked about my dad 's age , but he was bit shorter and fatter . " I 'm Dr . Brown , " he greeted me . " Do you know if your vaccinations are up to date , son ? " The doctor frowned , and glanced at the clipboard he was holding . " Steven is a school friend of yours , correct ? Did he receive the vaccination then , too ? " " Well , yeah - " I started to say , but then I remembered : Hyde had cut class that day , so he hadn 't been around for the needles . I remembered it because when we all hung out together afterwards , Kelso started punching everyone in the arm where they got their shots because he thought it was funny the way we yelped . It didn 't work on Hyde , ' cause he hadn 't got the shot . " No . Actually he didn 't . Does that have something to do with this ? " Dr . Brown nodded , and adjusted his glasses . " Steven has the measles . I 'd appreciate it if you could take a moment to think of everywhere he 's been in the past week ; the public health nurse may need to arrange some vaccinations . " Measles ? I was confused ; I hadn 't thought they were very serious , unless you were a baby or a sick old person . " Where is he ? Is he OK now ? " He chuckled . " I remember you having a temper tantrum at the staff Christmas party when you were , oh , three or four . I was playing Santa Claus , and you didn 't want to sit on my lap to have your picture taken . I don 't suppose you 'd remember me . " " Your friend is resting in Exam Room C right now , while we decide whether to discharge him or move him up into a ward . We 're just monitoring him right now to see whether his fever peaks again . Since you 've had your vaccinations , there 's no reason you can 't go in and sit with him . Just don 't forget to make that list for me , " and he tore a blank sheet of paper off his clipboard , and handed it to me along with a pencil . " You know the way , don 't you ? " " OK , are you just saying that , or do you have actual experience ? " I asked . I was kind of just talking through my nervousness , but I was curious , too . Hyde didn 't say anything else . I guessed he 'd gone to sleep . He was hooked up to some kind of monitor , and it was making those nice , regular beeping noises , so I figured everything was OK . I settled back into my chair . I made up the list for Dr . Brown , and then I sat there and watched Hyde sleep for a while . There was really nothing else to do . My eyes adjusted to the dim light . I watched his chest rise and fall . I realized after a while that four of my breaths matched three of his . I felt . . . protective . It was sort of strange . Hyde had always been my protector , from when I first hired him to save me from bullies in kindergarten . Of course that hadn 't really been an issue in the last few years - especially once the worst of the bullies became my other best friend - but the feeling was still there somehow , underneath all the layers of hanging out and doing shit and picking on each other . But today I might have saved his life . I checked my watch . It was weird to see it was just past three in the afternoon - the rest of the gang would be getting out of school soon . Sitting here in the dark watching Hyde sleep , it felt like the middle of the night . His wallet was in there . That 's why I hadn 't been able to find it . I flipped it open , curious . There was a picture in just one of the pockets - one of me and him and Donna when we were about nine or ten . We were all standing in my driveway , grinning and squinting into the sun . It was kind of funny and sweet - I wondered if my mom had given it to him . Also in the wallet , besides his school ID card , library card , and social security card , there was a plastic baggie with enough weed in it to roll about half a small joint . Leftovers , I guess . Feeling a bit more justified about my snooping , I quickly stuffed the baggie into my pocket . There was something heavy in the other pocket , too . It felt like a pocketknife . I took it out and looked at it . I couldn 't remember ever seeing it before - I remembered lots of times when we needed a knife for some reason , and Hyde always said he didn 't have one . I usually had my old folding Scout knife with me , so no problem . This was a bit heavier than my knife , and the black handle felt like polished wood . There were a couple flat silver knobs on the side - one to push , and one to slide . I pushed the top one , and nothing happened . I slid the other one along to the other end of its track , then pushed the first one again . The blade leapt out with a quiet snick , and I nearly dropped the knife . It was a switchblade . Fuck . I 'd never actually seen one before . I stared at it for a few seconds , mesmerized , then I realized that I was standing in full view of a half - open door . I nearly cut myself in my hurry to close the knife again . I put the safety catch back on , and stuffed it in my pocket along with the pot . Great . So now I was hiding Hyde 's drugs and his switchblade in my pants . I was convinced that they were safer there than in jeans he wasn 't wearing , but it made me a bit nervous . Especially the knife . Where the hell did it come from ? Why was he carrying it - and how long had he had it with him ? " Hi , honey ! " Mom called out behind me . I literally jumped . " Sorry , didn 't mean to scare you , " she whispered . " Is Steven asleep ? " " Yeah . " It looked like she hadn 't woken him up . " Here , I found his wallet in his pants . It 's got ID and stuff . " I handed it over to her - at least now I knew it was clean . And from the way Mom was acting , she hadn 't seen me with the knife . " The doctor 's going to discharge him , " Mom said to me , taking the wallet . " I got hold of your father at work . He 's getting off early and coming right over with the car . As soon as he gets here you can leave . " While I waited for Red I watched Hyde breathe . I thought about the happy - kids photo , and the switchblade , and I wondered when he 'd done acid . I wondered what else I didn 't know . As soon as we got home from the hospital , I moved Hyde 's cot upstairs to my room - Mom had left orders with Red that under no circumstances were we to leave " that poor , sick boy " in the basement . Then Red helped Hyde up the stairs . It was strange to watch ; Hyde obviously didn 't want help , and Red 's usually not so great at giving it , but I could see that Red was supporting a lot of Hyde 's weight . I followed behind , playing spotter and feeling kind of useless - me and my skinny arms , don 't think I could help Hyde up the stairs . When Hyde lay down on the cot next to my bed , his face was white . " Hyde has the measles , " I told them , so glad to finally have my friends here to talk through my day with . I 'd never felt as alone as I had in that emergency room . " He 's probably been contagious for three or four days . " " Oh no ! " I stood up . " You have to talk to my mom , if you get a shot right away you 'll probably be OK . " " No , no , " Fez grinned , " I had the measles already . When I was five . My mother made me a teddy bear out of old rags to make me feel better . God , I loved that bear . " He broke off with a dreamy expression . " Chill out , neighbor - boy , " Donna said , sounding bemused . She patted the spot on the couch beside her . " It 's just the measles . We can make him a teddy bear out of rags and he 'll be fine . " " OK , you weren 't there . " I didn 't sit down ; I turned on all of them in self - righteous wrath . " You weren 't there when he was delirious . He didn 't recognize me , he called me Edna ! " Kelso snickered , but I had momentum . " You weren 't there when I took his temperature and told it to Mom and she said ' Oh my God I 'm calling an ambulance ' ! You weren 't there when he had a fucking SEIZURE in the AMBULANCE ! " I realized I was crying , and Donna wasn 't sitting on the couch smirking at me anymore , she was hugging me and rocking me a bit side to side and whispering " I 'm sorry , I didn 't know . " " He kept shaking and shaking , " I went on , quieter , talking into Donna 's shoulder . " I thought he was going to die . And they all kept asking me questions and I couldn 't even remember his birthday , and I 've been to every birthday party he 's had since he was six . " " Yeah , and most of them were here , weren 't they ? " Donna said , and that finally got me to smile a bit . " Sit with me , " she went on , and pulled me down onto the couch . " It 's OK to cry . You 're really scared , aren 't you ? Where 's Hyde now ? " " Sleeping in my room , " I said , wiping my nose with my hand . " I think he 's OK now . We 're supposed to take his temperature every three hours , though . " The evening was pretty subdued after that . I told the others about going through Hyde 's wallet and finding the pot , but I didn 't tell them about the switchblade . Everyone went home earlier than usual . " 102 . Just fine , man , " he said . " I think your mother kind of gets off on this nursing thing . You don 't give her enough chances to take care of you these days . " " Shut the hell up , " I said automatically . " Uh , I emptied your pockets for you at the hospital before someone else could . " I waited ; he didn 't react , so I went on . " I put the weed under the loose floorboard . Where do you want me to put the knife ? " " Bullshit . Where are you going to put it now ? " I walked over to my dresser . " I 'm putting it in the bottom of my underwear drawer . " I wanted to ask him what the hell he was doing with the thing in the first place , but he started coughing and I decided this wasn 't the best time . I lay awake for a while , listening to the cot creak as he shifted around . Listening to him cough . Suddenly I realized I was being a jerk . " Hey , Hyde , " I said . I knew he was awake . " Why don 't you sleep in my bed ? It 's more comfortable . I 'll take the cot . " " Your bed 's wide enough for both of us . " I felt the mattress shift as Hyde climbed up onto my bed . I shifted to one side to make room for him , but I said " Mom 's going to be coming in at 3 am to take your temperature . You want her to catch us in bed together ? " I laughed nervously . I waited for more , but that 's all he was saying . " I think everyone does , " I said softly . " They 're called fever dreams . " And then I remembered Hyde talking in his sleep , or his delirium or whatever , in the afternoon - the confusing , disjointed words , and Stu and his sleeper cab . And I felt a dark suspicion that I wasn 't even ready to give voice to inside my head , but which lurked at the edges . " Why were you carrying an illegal weapon ? " I asked , to kill the other line of thought . " It 's just a fucking knife . " Hyde stopped to cough . " Some guys said they were going to cut me , and I thought I 'd better get ready . Don 't worry , I won 't get you involved . " " What ? ! " Surprisingly , my own skin was not my main concern here . I was really getting into this new protective role . " Jesus , if someone 's threatening to hurt you you 've got to go to the police . " Hyde laughed softly . " That 's what I love about you , Forman . You 're so innocent . Now shut the hell up and let me go to sleep . " So I lay still and quiet , trying not to bug him - but I was nowhere near sleep . I was hyperaware of every sound . I was freaking out at the idea that Mom would come in and find us together . I didn 't know why I was so worried , either - I mean , it 's not like I was in bed with Donna . Mom wouldn 't be bothered by us sharing the bed . It 's not like we were gay or something . Even though I thought I was wide awake , and I didn 't want to fall asleep , my mind started to drift . It drifted back to when we were eleven , just before all that puberty shit started to mess us up . We didn 't know anything about sex back then ; no adults talk to kids about that stuff . Hyde and I used to hide out in my room and put a chair under the doorknob and play with our dicks together . Each of us with his own dick , I mean - we didn 't touch each other . We were just messing around , not knowing what we were doing , though somehow we did know it wasn 't something we could talk about , not even to each other . I 'm sure most boys go through that phase . Then one day I decided to kiss him . I don 't know why , I just wanted to . I went up to him and put my hands on his shoulders and pressed my lips against his . I 'd never kissed anyone before , and I wasn 't sure how it worked ; I remember my nose bumped into his kind of hard . But it was nice . His lips were really soft . And then he hit me . He punched me in the stomach , and while I was crouched on the floor whimpering he said in a weird flat tone , " Never do that again , Forman , " and he walked away . And after that we never messed around with each other again . We never talked about what we 'd done . I hadn 't even thought about it for years . I wondered why I was remembering it now . I went back to school . Mom managed to get someone to take over her shift , so she could stay home . Everyone at school asked me how Hyde was . I took the math test at lunch . When I got home , I went upstairs right away to see him . Mom had moved the old TV from the basement up into my room , and Hyde was lying propped up on a couple pillows , watching The Wheel of Fortune . He had his sunglasses on , and he had a blotchy red rash on his face . So I left him alone . No one was coming over to my place today ; now that I 'd convinced them Hyde was really sick , they didn 't want to bug him . So I went next door to see if Donna was home . She was . That seemed like a good idea . We played for an hour ; she kicked my ass , as usual . Finally we slumped down beside each other on the pavement , with our backs against the car . " What ? " She looked at me , frowning . " Sure I do - her first trucker . He was around a lot for a while when we were eleven , then he disappeared . Thank God . Why ? " " He gave me the creeps . " She paused . " OK , I never told anyone this before , but he kept asking me to come check out the sleeper cab in his truck . He acted like it 'd be a treat for me . " " I don 't know anything ! " I rested my head on my knees , and decided I could trust Donna as much as anyone in the world - so I told her what I 'd heard . " Just - when he was delirious , he thought I was Edna for a second , and he told me Stu was just showing him his sleeper cab . And before that he was mumbling something , I couldn 't really make it out , but it sounded . . . like someone was making him do something he didn 't want to do . " I thought about it for a second . " Well , yeah . I mean , he 's never said anything to us ; obviously he didn 't want us to know . Anyway , he doesn 't let things bother him . " OK , my words sounded idiotic and lame even to me . I ground my fist into the asphalt . " He was having nightmares because he had a fever of a hundred and five . He probably doesn 't think about it the rest of the time . " I looked at Donna . " We can 't talk to him now , anyway . He 's still pretty sick today - he just wants to sleep all the time . Why don 't you look in your mom 's books and see if you can figure out what we should do ? " After the second night , Mom had stopped coming in in the middle of the night to check Hyde 's temperature , so I 'd started staying on the bed with him . We didn 't do anything - just lay there and slept - but I liked it . One morning I 'd woken up and found him still asleep with his arm around me , and I 'd liked that , too . Not that I 'd tell him about it . There was another thing , too . I needed to talk to him . Donna was freaking out . After she 'd read a few of her mom 's self - help and psychoanalysis books , she 'd become convinced Hyde was going to kill himself . Now I couldn 't talk her down . It seemed to me that even if something had happened , he 'd coped fine for the six years since , so there was no emergency here . Donna , though , had worked herself into a state of near - panic . Today she 'd given me an ultimatum : if I didn 't talk to Hyde about it tonight , she was going to go to the school guidance counselor tomorrow . " Nothing , man . She never went in there with him . " I took a deep breath , and sat up too . " But you did , didn 't you ? " " Don 't go there , Forman , " Hyde said , his voice tight . " He 's an asshole , and if I ever see him again I 'll kill him . That 's all you need to know . " I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when Hyde said ' I 'll kill him . ' I had the feeling that it wasn 't a figure of speech - he was serious . An image of the switchblade flashed through my mind . " Look , I promised Donna that I 'd talk to you about this , " I said . He let go of me , and flopped back down onto the bed with a sigh . " Nobody 's seen Stu in six years . Why worry about it now ? " " Well , that 's what I told her , " I said . " But she started reading about survivors of sexual abuse in her mom 's pop psychology books , and now she thinks we should put you on suicide watch or something . She told me I had to talk to you tonight , or she was going to go to the guidance counselor about this . " Had I completely misinterpreted Hyde 's fevered ramblings ? I felt my cheeks getting hot . " Something about being in the sleeper cab with Stu . And . . . " I thought back , " You didn 't want to suck something . You said it hurt . " " He took me back into the sleeper cab and he made me suck his dick , " Hyde said , dead calm . " It only happened once . The next day he left , and I never saw him again . And yeah , it fucked up my head for a while , and it was a long time before I knew what to think about it , and that 's why I hate him . " " Yeah , we get weird together . Remember that time I kissed you ? . . . Damn , I didn 't mean to say that . " I looked over at him , worried he 'd get pissed at me for bringing up the great big Unspoken , but he just sighed . " Right after . " He grimaced . " We 're killing the high , Forman . Let 's talk about something else . So , hey - why are you thinking about kissing me , anyway ? Did sleeping next to me for a week give you ideas ? " He smirked . " Truth or dare , Forman . " " And I sucker - punched you in the gut , yeah , I remember . Guess you can 't kiss me , then . " He yawned . " That wasn 't much of a joint , was it ? Let 's go back to bed . " I knew : he was going to take his cot back downstairs in the morning . We 'd never spend another night together , and we 'd never speak again about any of this . We wouldn 't talk about kissing , and we definitely wouldn 't talk about Stu , or about the switchblade I knew Hyde had hidden somewhere . I had a feeling that I should have said or done something , sometime before now , and things could have been different . I wouldn 't be here aching to put my arms around him and kiss him and knowing that I never , ever could . But it was too late now . Fandom : That 70 's Show Pairing : Eric / Hyde Genre : angst , h / c Rating : R for language , and reference to sexual situations . Disclaimer : None of them are mine . This was written for fun , not profit . Notes : This story is set around the start of Season 2 . Big huge thanks to M3 for the beta , and for easing me into the fandom ! Summary : Eric learns some new things about Hyde after Hyde gets sick . Opportunities for growth and change present themselves ; will they be seized , or squandered ? Feedback is always welcome ! |
Sanctity Key is a small island off the Gulf Coast of Florida and it ought to be investigated by some scientific committee . The soil or the atmosphere of the place exerts a weird kind of magnetic attraction . I don 't claim to understand it , but it is a time - proved fact that if you unscrew a screwball anywhere in these United States , revolve him twice , and let him go , he will wind up on Sanctity Key . We have a voting population of 105 . We have persons whose deaths would cause greater tremors along Wall Street than along Sanctity Key , and we have persons who , deprived of fish and cabbage palms , would starve to death . Then we have the winter flux , the tourist , and of these , by some mystic process , we get only those fitted to the Key : I remember the night two well - to - do ladies flipped a coin in the local juke joint to decide which of them would divorce her husband and marry the bartender - and one married him , too . It was a coolish March night and I was undressing for bed when there was a sudden banging on the door and somebody screaming , " Johnny ! Hey Johnny ! For the luvva Mike hurry ! " I had my pants only half on , staggered to the door and opened it . Charlie Pocket fell in on me . Charlie was a scrawny little fellow with lots of teeth missing . He fished and did odd carpentry jobs , and stayed drunk whenever he had the money or the friends with which to obtain alcohol . Right now , his breath would have burned with a pure blue flame . He blew a pint of it in my face and yelled , " It 's a miracle , Johnny ! It 's the greatest miracle since the Lord changed water into wine ! Let 's go ! " He started out the door , spun into the frame , and backed off . " A miracle ! " he yelled . " Tampa Bay has turned to rum ! One hundred and ten proof , Johnny ! Let 's go ! " We went . I had no clear picture of what had happened , naturally , but the odor of Charlie 's breath convinced me the matter needed investigation . And , as we ran , Charlie kept shouting about , " Barrels ! Thousands and thousands of barrels ! You can 't swim for being crushed between them ! " It 's not far from my house to the bay . We raced across the beach and down to the water 's edge and I didn 't see a single barrel . I didn 't see anything except the bay and off to the right the fishing pier jutting out over the water with a single electric light burning about halfway out on it . There was a three - quarter moon that night , cloud - covered most of the time . The wind was off the Gulf and the bay itself was fairly calm . I asked Charlie Pocket where were all these barrels . " Out there , " he said , waving at the wide open spaces . " But let ' em come to us . To hell with ' em . I 'll show you . " He started running again , not into the water but back across the beach into the sea oats . There he stumbled around , cursing , beating at the tall grass . " Here it is ! " he whooped . It was a barrel , a big barrel . It sat on one end and a hole had been knocked in the top . Charlie was down on hands and knees feeling around in the sand and he came up with two empty cola bottles . He handed one to me . " Dip in and fill her up , " he said . I dipped in and filled her up . It was rum all right - a heavy , rich , Cuban rum . Charlie had been guessing when he said 110 proof , but it had been a conservative guess . This rum was cool in the throat and warm in the belly . It lay in you like a small electric heater , shooting out warm , golden rays . I gave the heater a little more current . I heard the gurgle of Charlie 's bottle and when it had stopped he coughed for a while , then said , " It 's all mine . I found it and it 's all mine . But I 'll give you a barrel , Johnny . I 'll give you a dozen barrels . You 're my friend . " I said I was indeed a friend of Charlie Pocket 's and proud to be one , but where were those other barrels ? " People hauling them in like mullet , " Charlie said . " And I left to get you , Johnny . Because you are my friend . You 've given me drinks when I didn 't have any . And now I am going to pay you back . " " I was down with my cast net for mullet , " Charlie said . " And this barrel come by . I didn 't know what was in it , but I got it and was trying to get it up on the beach when Tom Wade and old Pete Gunwall came . " " Told him it was orange juice . And you know how he is ; thinks he 's smarter than the final edition of the encyclopedia , and that he 's right and everybody else is wrong . He had to take a couple of drinks to prove I was lying . " " Somebody out on the dock got one . I don 't know who it was but I could see them by that light out there , hauling it in . And making so much noise that lights went on in Brightside 's house and I reckon he 's out getting barrels of my rum right now . Probably everybody in Sanctity Key will be out getting them soon . See ? " The lights of a car were moving along the road toward the dock , fast . We heard the brakes screech , voices . Somebody ran out the dock . " After my rum ! " Charlie said . His voice had a catch in it , and he took a long drink . " My rum - and the whole damn island is after it . " We both refilled our bottles against the safari and set out up the beach . We saw something dark floating around about 50 feet out , shed our trousers and went for it . It was an empty orange crate . The next thing we found was the remnants of a cardboard box . By this time the word must have got around the island fairly well because other cars turned up at the dock . Along the beach , every quarter mile or so , you 'd see a flash - beam probing out across the water . Wayne Brightside was out in front of his house in a rowboat and shouted to ask if we 'd found any rum , and Charlie pointed back toward the old orange crate and told him the water was full of rum in that direction . We went on and eventually we did find a keg , a small keg compared to Charlie 's . Charlie said there was no need to waste time with these small affairs , but I pointed out that this was closer to us than Charlie 's barrel , and our bottles were empty . So we rolled the keg up on the beach and got the bung out somehow and had a drink to make sure it contained rum . We then had a drink to make sure it was the same kind of rum Charlie had found . I told Charlie that this was my barrel and since I 'd drunk out of his barrel , I wanted him to have some from mine , and he said a man would be a poor friend indeed to refuse such an offer . I drank to keep him company . The clouds must have been breaking up , for the moonlight seemed to come and go . And when the moon was shining we saw this barrel , a big barrel , as big as Charlie 's , about 50 yards offshore . We braced ourselves against the shock of the cold water and went after it . We pushed and pulled and got the barrel ashore . We rolled it across the beach into the sea oats and stood it on end . That was when Charlie said , " There 's something wrong with this barrel . There 's no end in it . " " Let me see . " At this moment there was no moon . I put my hand where the end of the barrel ought to have been and touched nothing . I reached inside , and then farther inside , and I touched something . " Seaweed , " I said . " At least - I - " in some strange way my stomach had got turned upside down in my throat . " Charlie , " I said , " there 's a man in this barrel . " This may not have been the most brilliant moonlight ever seen , but it was bright enough . Charlie was holding the barrel , tilting it slightly , and the moon light was shining directly inside like a spotlight . It showed old Pete Gunwall squatting inside the barrel , his head tilted back to look up at us . His eyes were open . His mouth was open . The moonlight even made a little glimmer on the water standing in his mouth . And because of the way his head flopped back we could see the big hole at the base of his throat . Charlie let go of the barrel . It rocked back and forth in the sand a couple of times and stopped . The moon went under the clouds again . Neither Charlie nor I moved , that I remember . We were standing close together and about 50 feet away from the barrel . Charlie 's last drink must have helped for his voice was more cheerful . " That 's right , " he said . " They 'll never know why old Pete Gunwall was killed . Too many good reasons to choose from . Just put it down as : ' Cause unknown , but homicide justifiable . ' " Charlie had another sip . " Claiming he has insomnia ; if Pete couldn 't sleep it was because he was worrying that something would be going on that he didn 't know about . Always sticking his nose in everybody else 's business . " " I was just getting a few beers on credit . And old Pete starts telling Mac that I wouldn 't ever pay . It was none of his business how much I owed Mac . " Tom Wade was a young fellow who had come to Sanctity Key soon after the end of the war . He had come out of the Army with a little money saved up , and he 'd opened a small restaurant that should have made good . But he 'd put in an electric stove , and on Sanctity Key the electricity goes out every time the wind blows , and the wind blows most of the time . He 'd put in kerosene and there 'd been an accident . Somehow the stove got knocked over and burned the place up . He 'd had no insurance . He did have perseverance , however . Shortly before this time old Pete Gunwall 's niece had come to the island and Tom had fallen in love with her . He wanted to stay on the island . He got a job as chauffeur and general caretaker for Miss Susie Smith . He worked hard and Betty Gunwall would have married him if it hadn 't been for her uncle . Now , Charlie Pocket sipped at his bottle and said , " We might as well look at the cheerful side of this . Betty will inherit Pete 's money . And the old devil was rich as a wagon load of manure ; smelled the same way , of course . And she can marry Tom " " I can 't do that , " I said . " I 'm a deputy . At least , a sort of deputy . It 's a non - paying job , but I 'm supposed to notify the sheriff , and things like that . Besides , Tom might not be the one who killed him . It must have struck both of us at the same time : that even though the victim was just old Pete Gunwall , the action was murder . It meant there was a murderer , an unknown murderer , loose on Sanctity Key . It was an idea that goose pimpled my spine . " Look here , " Charlie said . " If anybody wants to steal old Pete Gunwall 's body , it is all right with me . They are welcome to it . I wouldn 't be any use staying , so I 'll just go along with you . " I said I 'd best take the keg of rum along ; there was never any telling what emergency might arise . So I got it on my shoulder and we started down the beach . There were quite a few lights now along the water 's edge but nobody had come this far toward the point . Everybody was interested in rum and nothing else - we hoped - but both Charlie and I kept pretty close to the sea oats ; particularly in those moments when the moon was shining . The rifle went off about 30 feet in front of us and at the edge of the sea oats . The flash of it wasn 't as bright as the Hiroshima bomb , and it made slightly less noise than Gabriel 's trumpet , but it was enough . I heard the bullet hit water and ricochet , but that was when I was already in the air , diving for the sea oats and trying to hold onto the keg at the same time . Then I was in the grass , fighting Charlie to keep him from burrowing under me , instead of me under him . The rifle kept firing . Charlie was digging like a gopher , saying , " It 's an invasion ! They are killing everybody on the island ! " He was still saying it after the rifle had stopped . It was very quiet . I could hear the water on the beach and the dry rattle of the sea oats , and then a sort of tom - tom sound that proved to be my heart beating . And then I heard a man weeping , the most broken - hearted sound I ever heard . I peeped cautiously out and saw a man sitting at the edge of the sea oats . He was sobbing like an overworked water - pump . The moon came out then and I saw it was Mac Poole , the owner of the local juke joint - the same guy the women tourists had matched for several years before . He appeared harmless enough now , his rifle on the sand beside him . He didn 't even look up as Charlie and I approached . There was a rum barrel in the grass behind him , and beside him a half - filled tomato can . Charlie leaned and put an arm around his shoulder . Charlie assured him that we were all like brothers . He gave Mac a drink from his own tomato can of rum and Mac took it but went right back to crying . I asked him what he had been shooting at . " Damn barrel ! " he said , waving his arm at the bay . " Shoot ever damn one of them ! " The sobs came pouring out of him . " Everybody on the Key with his own barrel of rum , who 's going to come to my place and buy it ? I 'll go broke ! " I made quick motions at getting my keg in a less conspicuous position , but Mac shook his head . " It 's too late , " he sobbed , " I give up . Can 't shoot ' em all . " He looked up at me . The tears in his eyes shone in the moonlight . " A barrel ? " he said . " I wouldn 't waste a teacup on that … . " He burst into a fresh torrent of sobs . Charlie Pocket gazed sadly down at him . " The way some people abuse alcohol it 's enough to cause the return of prohibition . " He drank the rest of the rum in Mac 's tomato can . There wasn 't anything else I could get out of Mac , so Charlie and I started off again . We were almost at my house when Charlie said , " We ought to talk to Tom Wade first . We ought to give him a chance . " " You know how he was about Betty Gunwall , " Charlie said . " And you know how old Pete treated her . Tom 's got a temper and he and Pete were arguing when I saw them tonight . But you ought to give Tom a chance before you tell the sheriff he did it . " Tom lived in a room above Susie Smith 's garage , and although this was Miss Susie 's first winter on the island she was a typical Sanctity Key character . She was sixty - ish , and looked like a female Victor McLaglen . She had a dog that looked like a moth - eaten muff and she never went out of the house without the creature tucked under one arm . She had a huge automobile , but once the rather bold - looking young lady who drove her to Sanctity Key had departed , the car never left the garage until she hired Tom Wade as chauffeur and caretaker . At first , she didn 't have a telephone in her house and wouldn 't have one put in because she said it cost too much , but when her dog got sick she had a $ 118 phone bill at the juke joint : she 'd bring the dog there and hold him up to the phone to cough for the benefit of a Christian Scientist Veterinarian in Boston . She said her dog not only didn 't trust Florida veterinarians , but the very thought of one upset him terribly . When she did have a telephone installed , it was because she couldn 't get the results of the Miami racetracks over the radio . Old Pete Gunwall had once said that he believed Miss Susie had operated a house of ill repute . Miss Susie , overhearing him and carefully shifting her dog from her right arm to her left , had knocked him down with her umbrella . She then said that every sporting house she had ever run had been of the highest caliber and she would not have scum like Pete Gunwall casting aspersions on them . There was a gate across the drive to Miss Susie 's house , so Charlie and I left the car and walked . We went past the house and around to the garage in the back . There was a light on in Tom Wade 's room , but the door leading up to it was locked and there was no answer to our knocking . Charlie found a ladder and started struggling with it . " Put it up and look in the window , " he said . " Tom must be asleep . " I couldn 't see who was holding the light , but I could see Miss Susie . She was wearing a bathing suit and over this a beach robe which flopped open . That bathing suit had been designed for a more youthful figure and the sight of Miss Susie in it would have made Don Juan swear off sex forever . But what held my attention was the pistol in her right hand . It was without doubt the biggest pistol ever made . It had the barrel of a five - inch naval gun on a revolver handle . And she had it pointed right straight at the base of my throat - right at the spot where Pete Gunwall had been shot . She had the dog under her left arm . It began to yip now , and Miss Susie said , : " Be quiet , Sweetsum . I 'll feed these guys to you if they make a move . " " Who ? " Miss Susie said . She wasn 't wearing the thick glasses she usually wore , but she seemed perfectly capable of seeing where she was aiming her cannon . " You know Johnny , " the man said . He came into the edge of the light now and I saw that it was Wayne Brightside . " What are you fellows doing here ? " We went inside and Miss Susie introduced Charlie and me to the person who had been holding the flashlight . This was a Miss Ruby O ' Malley . She also wore a beach robe and bathing suit , and on her , it looked good . Her hair was very yellow and her mouth and fingernails very red . She was a bit on the flamboyant side , but pretty . Miss Susie said that Ruby was visiting her while on a short vacation . Miss Susie explained the bathing suits by saying she and Ruby had been out looking for rum . They 'd got a small keg , and then Wayne Brightside had brought some down to them also . Wayne said , " I found a keg right after I saw you fellows . I don 't drink much , and I hadn 't known that Miss Susie found any , or even knew about it . So I filled a couple of bottles and brought them down . " Ruby said she thought that was very nice of Wayne . Charlie Pocket said where was the rum ? Miss Susie got out a bottle and glasses and we all had a drink . We had another drink , Miss Susie saying that although she had almost blown a hole in my chest she really thought I was very nice . Ruby put one arm through mine and one through Wayne Brightside 's and said she thought everybody on Sanctity Key was nice . " It must be fun to live on the beach where the rum just washes up in barrels in front of your house . " This Wayne Brightside was a tourist , but because he came every year we looked on him almost as a native . He was a small , slender man with arthritis that hunched one shoulder a little . He knew everybody , the natives and the tourists , and everybody like him . He was one of those people who rarely said anything bad about anybody , but despite that he could carry on an interesting conversation . Miss Susie said , " Have another drink , dearie . You 're on vacation . " So Ruby had another . Miss Susie had mixers , but Ruby ignored them . Charlie Pocket put down his glass with a thump . " That 's it ! Old Pete Gunwall was always nosing into other people 's business . I 'll bet he found out about this smuggling . And it was the person running it that killed him ! " Everybody stared at him , including me . What with the rum and looking first at Miss Susie 's gun and then at Ruby 's gam , I had forgotten Pete Gunwall . " I better hurry and call the sheriff , " I said . The phone was in a big closet underneath the stairway . It was really an unsealed room more than a closet . There was a big sofa where Miss Susie used to stretch out in comfort and take down the results of the horse races , and over this was a good light . The only other light was a very dim one at the ceiling . The overhead light was the only one burning when I went into the closet . I picked up the telephone and dialed the Bradenton operator . Probably she answered , but I never heard her , because just at the moment I saw the hat on the sofa . In that light it wasn 't easy to see . But even so I had a pretty good idea I had seen it before . I put down the receiver and walked over and picked up the hat . It was old , brown felt , large brimmed . I turned it over , but I had to switch on the light above the sofa before I could see the initials " P . G . " on the sweat band . Behind me Miss Susie said , " All right , so the old b …… was here tonight . " She had come into the closet without my hearing her . The cannon made a mighty sag in the pocket of her beach robe . She said , " What of it , Johnny ? " Just then Charlie Pocket showed up in the open doorway behind Miss Susie Smith . I don 't know whether or not she heard him . But she said , " I ought to have killed him . Do you know what he came here for ? He came here to phone the revenue office and tell them that barrels of rum were washing up on the beach and they ought to come down and get them . So probably the officers are on their way , or here , by now . " Charlie made an awful , strangling noise . " And my barrel on the beach ! My barrel ! " He went out of there faster than I had ever seen him move before . He didn 't even wait to take another drink . Miss Susie made no further remarks while I phoned the sheriff . The sheriff said he would be right out and for me to meet him at Pete Gunwall 's house . So I had another drink of rum and another look at Miss Ruby O ' Malley , and took my departure . Wayne Brightside said if I didn 't mind , he would ride up toward his place with me ; he hadn 't brought his car . We went out to get in my car , but it wasn 't there . " I 'll bet Charlie Pocket took it , " I said . " He wanted some way to haul off that barrel of rum before the revenue officers found it . " We started walking . I realized then I was a little groggy because no matter how many times I got in the middle of the road and no matter how straight I walked , the ditch would edge over beside me . Wayne said , " Do you think that was why Pete Gunwall was killed ? By smugglers , I mean . " " There 's been a lot of smuggling . When taxes run the price of liquor beyond the reach of the man in the street and while there are human liberties in a democracy , there will always be smuggling . " This was one of my favorite subjects , though I seemed to be getting a bit confused . " It 's even been in the papers , " I said . " Lots of smuggling going on . " " That 's not what I meant , " Wayne said , sounding actually embarrassed . " Just that you would have trouble recognizing her from others of the type . " The ditch was edging over toward me again and I moved away from it . " Except , " Wayne said , " she does have a distinctive look - like a woman capable of almost anything . " By the time I reached Pete Gunwall 's house the walking had sobered me a little . There were no lights at Pete 's house . I was thinking that his niece had probably been in bed , asleep for hours ( it was almost three o ' clock ) and I was wondering how she would take the news of her uncle 's death . If she should give three rousing cheers I wouldn 't blame her , but I didn 't expect that from Betty Gunwall . She was a nice kid , the kind of girl men want to marry . She had come to live with Pete about six months ago , soon after both her parents had been killed in an automobile accident . It was Tom Wade and Betty . They must have been sitting rather close together because even after a discreet reshuffling of their positions they weren 't completely out of it . Betty said , " Uncle Pete isn 't here . " " No . " I started to say , " He 's in a barrel , " but that seemed a little abrupt . So I said , " He 's dead . Somebody shot him . " They took it about as you would expect . There were exclamations of surprise , but no tears . There were questions as to who and why , which I couldn 't answer . I said to Tom , " I thought you might be able to help . Charlie Pocket said you were about the last person to see him . " " Charlie was too drunk to know who he left where , " Tom said . " Mr . Gunwall had said he was leaving . He said he had a phone call to make . But he 'd had a few drinks of rum , and he was unaccustomed to drinking . He didn 't seem to be in a hurry . When I left he was still there with Charlie . " Maybe I looked as if I didn 't believe him . Betty said , " Tom 's been with me ever since . We were waiting to tell Uncle Pete that we are going to get married . " " I 've got an offer of a job in Bradenton , " Tom said . " A pretty good one . That 's what I was telling Mr . Gunwall when we met Charlie down on the beach . " Tom Wade looked at me a long time . He seemed to be trying to make up his mind . At least he said , " Mr . Gunwall said I 'd never marry Betty so long as he could keep me from it . " She shook her head . " He never told me . But I could tell he was worried . And once I heard him muttering to himself about something being no more than any young man might have done . " The sheriff arrived and I told him what had happened . He asked if there was any of the rum handy as he would like to sample it in the interest of strict law enforcement . There was none at Pete 's , however , and so the sheriff said for me to take him down and show him the barrel with Pete in it . " After that you can go home and to bed , " he said . " I recommend it . " But the night was not to end without one more shock . We went along the beach , the sheriff and a deputy , a regular , salary - drawing deputy , following after me . The moon was down now and it was very dark , but the sheriff had a flashlight . Apparently everybody had given up the rum hunt since we saw no one and no lights . The barrel was where Charlie and I had left it , at the edge of the sea oats . It wasn 't hard to find with the sheriff 's flashlight . " There it is , " I said . " Pete 's inside . " A light came out of the tall grass beyond the barrel and spotted us . It was like being hit in the face with a rock . It was like being shot . Then a voice said , " Hello , sheriff . I didn 't recognize you . Thought maybe it was the murderer come back . " " About half an hour ago , " I recognized that voice . It was Mac Poole . He seemed to have recovered from his crying jag . Or at least he had quit crying . " That 's strange , " one of the revenue men said . " Mr . Gunwall was wearing a watch and it stopped at just 1 : 30 . It wasn 't a waterproof watch and it must have stopped within a few minutes after the body was thrown in the bay . " I asked Mac Poole what time Charlie and I had seen him , but he said he didn 't remember . I remembered that I had started to bed around 11 or 11 : 30 . After Charlie Pocket 's arrival , things were a bit uncertain . The best I could figure , it must have been very close to 1 or 1 : 30 when we found the body . But I didn 't like the way the revenue men looked at me when I said that . The sheriff asked if they thought there was any direct connection between Pete Gunwall 's murder and the barrels of rum . " I think not , " one of the revenue men told him . " We had this gang pretty well spotted . We knew all the members , and we even know this cargo was to come in . But when the Coast Guard cutter started chasing them , they got away for a little while by dodging out of the channel . They went aground , though , and were throwing over the cargo , trying to lighten the vessel , when the cutter caught up with them . I think we 've got everybody connected with the smuggling . " Charlie Pocket showed up at my place about 10 the next morning . He had brought my car back , and it was obvious that he had saved his barrel from the revenue men , because nothing short of a barrel could have got Charlie in his current shape . He said he was celebrating Pete Gunwall 's permanent departure from Sanctity Key , and he wanted to know who the killer was so as to take him , or her , a drink . I told him about the watch and Charlie swore that that was just like Pete Gunwall . " He always was a liar . Even his watch wouldn 't keep the right time . " " He 's crazy . At least , " Charlie said , " I think he is . I was just having a drink , or maybe two . And then I thought about coming up to get you . But it seems to me Tom was still there . Charlie suggested some hair of the dog for my hangover , but I thought beer would suit me better . We drove down to the juke and found Mac Poole doing a thriving business . A good part of the island was holding a rather informal wake around the bar and pinball machines , with many freely - expressed views on both the rum and the murder . It is amazing what you can learn about people , including yourself , when a bunch of Sanctity Keyers really get rolling . I learned that I had once been vice president of a nudist colony and had won to this position through influence with the band of professional criminals who ran the place ; I heard that Wayne Brightside was extremely fond of coon meat and trapped the animals near the island garbage dump at the same time he raided the dump for scrap paper which he sold ; I heard that Charlie Pocket had bootlegged during the day of prohibition , and that once he had advertised for a wife in the Tampa paper , and when a prospect showed up , Charlie got one look at her and hid for two days in big ' gator swamp ; I heard the things the tourist lady , who had matched for and won Mac Poole , had said about Mac when , soon thereafter , she divorced him - and these included everything from arson to xylophone playing , including chronic gambling on pinball machines . The things I heard about Miss Susie were also extremely interesting , but modesty prevent me putting them down here . And strangely enough , listening to all this chatter and the constant rehashing of the murder , I began to get an idea of my own . I didn 't think much of them at first , but as the day wore on and my alcoholic content increased , I began to regard myself a little short of a deductive genius . Shortly after dinner that night , I even decided to do something about it - which shows you that alcohol is not an unmixed blessing . So I went calling alone . The gate to the driveway was open this time . I drove in and parked beside the house . Miss O ' Malley herself answered my knock . She was wearing slacks with a halter top , and I have lived on Florida beaches for a long time and seen many things , so I only made small gasping noises now . She smiled happily when she saw me . " I 'm so glad you came , Johnny . I 've been trying to call you . " " That 's a good idea . " She led me into the kitchen and made drinks . " Miss Susie 's gone into Bradenton . Tom drive her in to see that Shirley Temple picture . It 's an old picture they 're showing again , but Miss Susie just loved Shirley Temple - she always has . Tom 's a nice boy too . " On this point we were in agreement . Ruby made more drinks and we took them into the living room . Ruby said the big light in the floor lamp hurt her eyes , so she turned it off , leaving the room pleasantly dim . We sat on the sofa . Ruby were wearing perfume and she had not been niggardly with it . " Miss Susie wanted me to visit her . And she 's been awfully good to me , so I wanted to come . She said it would be a nice place to rest . " " This is good rum , " Ruby said . " I like rum , don 't you ? It doesn 't leave a taste like dirty underwear in your mouth the next morning . " " That Mr . Gunwall came in there to call the revenuers . We heard him talking about it , so Miss Susie and I got into bathing suits and went looking . Ain 't Miss Susie a sight in her bathing suit ? But I bet she had a cute figure when she was young . I 've heard a lot of the old men say so . " " Did Miss Susie ever know Pete Gunwall ? When they were young people ? " I took a long pull at my drink , trying not to make the question sound as though I had been thinking about it for the last hour . " The sheriff asked us that today , but there wasn 't anything we would tell him . " The look she gave me was somewhere between a frown and a pout , and she fluffed out her hair , which was very blonde even in the light . " Is that all you came to talk about ? " I laughed at any idea so silly . I put an arm along the back of the sofa and Miss O ' Malley curled gently inside it . My mind began to wander but I made one last effort at conversation . It was slightly short of subtle , but it worked . I said , " You know , when I came to Sanctity Key the first person I saw was a man I used to know in New York . Almost everywhere I 've ever been I 've run into somebody I know . The world , " I said , " is a small place after all . " " This fellow was trying to get some money out of a gentleman I knew . A married gentleman . " I patted her shoulder and she said , " Oh , he wasn 't my friend . It was one of my girlfriends that he went with . But I was with them once when he pointed out this fellow , the one here , that was after money . " " You know , " Ruby said , " I 've never like to go round with married men much . " She polished off her drink . " You make them this time . And put in some rum . " I went into the kitchen and made the drinks . I put in some rum , using big glasses so as to have room left for a lump of ice . In the living room , Ruby was saying loudly . " You know , I been thinking ever since I got here I must have seen this guy somewhere before , But it was just while we were talking that I remembered where . " " He 's a friend of yours , " Ruby said . " He … " I was just going through the door into the dimly lighted front room . I saw that Ruby had stretched out on the sofa and she looked very plush and comfortable . Near the foot of the sofa there was a window , and outside the moonlight was very bright . The man fired through the window . I saw Ruby jolt down against the sofa , then come up to a sitting position . Her mouth was open and maybe she was talking but I couldn 't hear anything . I was still standing there , just inside the door with the glasses in my hand . But maybe I was beginning to move ! Maybe it was because he took time to fire twice at Ruby . Anyway , one of the glasses disappeared and the rum was running over my hand and the sound of the bullet breaking the glass and hitting the wall went all together . After that , I was really moving - no ordinary shooting would have had a chance . " There 's been another murder . And I know who the killer is . There 's bound to be evidence if you catch him quick enough . The gun maybe . Or he had to empty the rum barrel he put Pete Gunwall in . That rum will be in his house in containers or maybe you can find where he poured it on the ground . But hurry ! " " Don 't be silly , " I said . " I 'm hiding under the bar at the juke . " To prove it , I yelled for Mac to bring me another drink , quick . The audience was appreciative . Mac Poole even gave me a drink on the house . " It was all very easy , " I told them . ( This was the next day and I had quit jumping at small noises . ) " Betty Gunwall practically told me that her uncle was being blackmailed . As it turned out , he had been tied up with some crooked building contracts when he was getting started in business . Wayne had found out and was putting the screws on him . You know how old Pete was about money ; he 'd rather lose his skin than a dime . So this night with a couple of shots of rum in him and unaccustomed to it , he decided to put an end to the blackmail . He went to Wayne 's house and there was an argument . Wayne says that Pete jumped him , tried to kill him , and he killed Pete in self - defense . That 's his story . " " All right . But then he had to get rid of the body . He 'd already found a barrel of rum and rolled it up to his house . He found his before you did . He emptied part of the barrel into bottles and jugs , poured out the rest , and put in Pete . He put in some rocks , put the top on the barrel . His idea was to row it out and dump it where it would never be found . But just to have an alibi in case Pete was ever found , he set Pete 's watch ahead , then took some rum down to Miss Susie 's . He wanted to be there at the time the watch would show as the time Pete went into the water . But the end he put back on the barrel wasn 't secure . It fell off . The rocks fell out . And the barrel washed right back ashore . " " I am simply trying to show you the way the brain of a detective genius works , " I said . " I wondered why Wayne had gone calling so late at night . I also figured out that whoever had dumped the barrel with Pete into the bay must have done so from a boat . And I saw Wayne in a boat . " " I didn 't see them . And anyway from what Betty said , I was pretty sure Pete was being blackmailed . Of course at first I wasn 't sure who was doing it . " I sipped my drink after this admission . " But I had some things to go on . The way Wayne had talked about Ruby O ' Malley being a definite type , about it being hard to recognize her from other women of the - peroxide variety , I had an idea he thought he might have seen her before . " " Not quite , " I said . I didn 't feel it necessary to explain that most of my suspicions had been directed toward Miss Susie as the blackmailer . That would only confuse the issue and sully Miss Susie 's reputation . " But in all the talk yesterday , I learned that Wayne spent a lot of time around the garbage dump , trapping coons and collecting scrap paper . Now if you go through the scrap paper , old letters , bills and such , that are thrown out of anybody 's house you are likely to learn a lot about them . " They all nodded at this . Everybody knew of an island romance which had gone sour a few years before when the prospective bride had torn up some old photographs and dropped them in the trashcan . Some kids playing around the garbage dump had patched the pictures together . Some of them had sold for as high as four bits , even patched . " Wayne obviously had money enough to live on , " I said . " He didn 't need to sell scrap paper . So what was he doing ? Getting blackmail material . And you know how he almost never had anything bad to say about anybody . Those are the people who learn the most dirt . Some folks like to confess to them , feeling sure it won 't be repeated . Other folks tell them all the nasty stuff about their enemies , to convince the quiet , good - speaking guy that people are worse than he thinks they are . Then Wayne made it a point to know all the tourists who came here , especially the wealthy ones . He made it a point to be likable and get into their homes . " " That 's right , " I said . " And he had been trying to remember where he saw Ruby O ' Malley . With this unsolved murder he couldn 't afford to let anyone spot him as a blackmailer . So he was paying another visit , trying to remember if or where he had seen her , and he arrived to see us , Ruby and me - " I paused to have another sip - " sitting together on the sofa . The blackmailer in him got the best of his better nature and he sneaked up to listen . He heard her about to identify him as the man who had blackmailed the married gentleman friend of a lady friend of hers . " The sheriff had said nothing up until this time . Now he said , " You are going to have to testify in court anyway , Johnny . So you might as well tell the rest of it now . " " All right , " I said . " So the moon was very bright and I did get a pretty good look at him through the window . That helped a little to identify him . " The mystery story " The Bay of Rum " was written by the late Wyatt Blassingame , well - known author and Anna Maria resident , and first appeared in " PIC " magazine in April 1946 . It appears here in its entirety , with permission of Peggy ( Blassingame ) Diamant , Wyatt 's daughter , who likewise resides in Anna Maria . Many believe the story was fictionalized from the wreck of the ship " Regina " off Bradenton Beach . The wreck of the " Regina , " a molasses barge , is under consideration for inclusion in the Florida Underwater Archeological Preserve system . 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When the Soviets first took power , they initially allowed the Jews to work and run their own businesses . Later , they slowly began to liquidate the big factories and the larger stores . It took some time , but one evening , a few soviet officials came into our mill . When I saw them , my heart sank . I knew the day would eventually come when I would have to give over the mill . Something poked in my heart . Not even asking if our mill grinded straw or corn , one of the officials shouted : " Stop the machine ! " He had had some corn and asked us to grind it . The machinist stopped the machine . " Where is your boss ? " he asked . I replied that I was the owner . They then took out a piece of paper and read : " From this moment on , the mill belongs to the Soviet Union . " I had to give everything over to them ; the corn , the wheat and the machines . I no longer had any rights to own them . The machines now belonged to the government . I gave them everything . I even handed over my keys . One of them , went over to Shmuel and proceeded to search his pockets . When they were not looking , I took the money out of my pocket and gave it to our guard . When they searched me , they found nothing . It took a few hours for them to write everything down . After I signed all the papers , they came home with me . My sister Gonia had already heard what had happened . She was very upset . They looked at us smiling and asked if we had sold everything . Then they told us not to worry and we should be happy to be alive . Meanwhile , they began searching our home . Opening up all the cupboards . Gonia joked that she was embarrassed our cupboards were empty . The children then asked us what they were looking for . They were frightened . My brother - in - law Berl , had a few good luck charms . The officials thought they were worth a lot of money . These bureaucrats brought a peasant named Pavel with them . They told this peasant that from that day on he would be our boss . They asked us to stay on as workers , weighers , to help them run the mill . Pavel took the key and tried to turn it . He then began to cry and said : " How did I become the manager of your mill ? " I calmed him and explained that it was not his fault and that we had no choice . The next morning the whole town knew what had happened . People passed me by in the streets and shook their heads in disbelief . Some even wiped tears from their eyes . Others made fun of our new manager . Our new manager knew nothing about running a mill . I just remained silent , and tried not to get involved . Pavel was not a foolish man . He understood that he had to be good to me . He told me from the start that I should do what I want , as long as it is good . I began to work and everything went as normal . Gonia received her portion as well . Pavel made sure that Gonia and the children were well looked after . He made sure they lacked nothing . I was able to go home when I wanted . We lived very peacefully together with Pavel until the devil sent us a new boss . A miserable Jew . When this character learned I had been the previous owner he let me go . Now without work I had nothing more to do in Ruble . Gonia suggested that we should all return to Stolin . So one morning , we sold our bit of poverty and moved back to Stolin . I immediately began to look for work . All of my friends had big positions as managers in factories , but I couldn � t find a job . My pedigree was not so impressive . I had no luck in Stolin . When I couldn � t find work I decided to move to Horodok . In Horodok I met an acquaintance , who told me about some work back in Rubleh . This job consisted of preparing and carrying wood from the forest . Gonia got settled , her daughter Chaya got a job as a teacher and the rest of the children went to school . A militia from the NKVD would eat at her home . Her son Shmuel found a job in Pinsk and every month sent a few hundered rubbles home . Our brother Maishl and our father helped her out . The children and I lacked nothing . Our neighbours were a family from Siberia , a couple with a few children . We lived very well with them . In order not to bother us , especially mother � s kosher kitchen , my father built them an oven of their own . This made them very happy . My father was feeling good . He no longer had to worry about the mill . We lived for each day . Our parents were happy that Moishl and I were both working . In the evening , I came home , pulled off my boots and lay down to rest . In walked a sergeant holding papers in his hands and smiling . I immediately understood that something was about to happen . He told me I should grab something to eat and when I finished he would show me something . I took the paper from his hand . I was being called to meet with the commission on the 13th of April . I was being drafted . Truthfully said , I was happy . Going into the forest day after day was getting to me . One of my tasks had been to run from house to house asking people to go to work . This work paid very little and nobody wanted to come out to work . I often had to carry all the wood by myself . Five thousand metres of wood had to be laid every month , and I was very tired . The Gentiles didn � t go to work for the money , if they did come it was to do me a favour . If I had the choice between work or army , I would have chosen the army , but I didn � t believe they would take me into the military . I didn � t believe they would take me into the military . When I stood in front of the commission my heart pounded when they asked me what my occupation was . I told them the truth . I explained that I worked for my father at the mill but the mill had been on my name . After the interview I received a red card which meant all was good . I had two days to appear with my unit in Horodok . I was ready to go to who knew where ? Nobody knew . All I knew was that I wanted to get home quickly to be with my parents and family for the first Passover Seder . At the Seder I didn � t tell my parents anything about the army . My sister - in - law Frumke was there with the children . For the first time my brother Moishl was not at home for the Passover Seder . My sister Genia came with the children . She told us how in Stolin people were being called up to the army . There was even talk of war . I wanted to see my friends , and tell them my news . I went to Lasieh , my last love . I sat and talked with the guys . We met late at night . When I told them I had been drafted they didn � t believe me . They all laughed and wondered what kind of soldier I would be . We sat and talked all night about many things . Was there really going to be a war ? Or were they just going to break a few bones . I didn � t sleep very much that night . I went to my sister Gonia and told her the secret . They started to pack up some food . My mother was upset . I hadn � t told them the night before . Had she known earlier she could have prepared more food . Chaya , my sister Gonia � s eldest daughter , sat that whole day of Passover and sewed me a backpack . All the neighbours came by . The house was packed . Father sat quietly , with tears flowing from his eyes . My friends waited for me outside the house to accompany me to the train . Around two o � clock I said good - bye to my father . He was too weak to walk with us . He sat on the bridge with tears in his eyes . My mother , Frumke , and Gonia accompanied me part way . When I said good - bye , I used all my strength not to cry . Among my friends the guys were laughing and the girls were wiping away tears . That is how I left Stolin on April 14th , 1941 . On the train , I felt torn to pieces . Tearing myself away from friends and family was difficult . I told myself it would not be long before we would be together again . The place where I had to meet my unit in Horodok was packed . On that same day five hundred soldiers were being mobilized . The city was full of people with huge packs packed with bread and sala ( pig fat ) . Beside every pack was a recruit with his family sitting and eating sala and bread . Everywhere you looked mothers were crying . The boys were being called up one after the other . When all the paper work was done they asked the families to leave . It became very noisy with the screams and cries of parting . The orchestra began to play and we had to march to the music . The streets were packed with people yet at that moment I felt very sad and lonely as my close friends and family were not with me . We walked quietly . A mother broke into our line to kiss her son while bitterly weeping . I never imagined this would take place . Everyone was feeling something . There was no war . This was much more emotional than it should have been . We began to travel and within a few minutes we were far from town . Far from our loved ones but nobody knew where we were going . When we arrived in Lakhve we were told to sit in wagons . Meanwhile the station was empty . I lay down , put my head on my backpack , and took a nap . Then , I wrote a post - card home . I was with two Gentile boys that I knew from Rubleh . They stayed by me the whole time . My backpack compared to theirs looked empty . There was even a little guy who � s backpack weighed about ten kilos . While we waited for the train they all went into their bags and once again began to stuff their faces with bread and sala . At dawn a group of forty men arrived . Once again we lay on the floor and slept . They woke us at every station , where more men boarded the train . Each time , we heard the crying voices of mothers saying good - bye to their sons . In Yanave we were held up for a few hours . We were able to go out of the train and look around . I couldn � t believe my eyes ! My brother Maishl was going from car to car looking for familiar faces . He had a feeling he would find someone he knew . We fell into each other � s arms and Maishl began to cry . " For whom did you leave your parents ? Woe is me ! What will become of our parents ? " My brother gave me a few hundred rubble in case I would need the money . He knew we were headed toward Kobrin . " Be a � mentsch � and try to come home . " We said good - bye and the train pulled out of the station . My brother ran after the train weeping bitterly . Approximately five kilometres from Kobrin we had to build an army camp for about six thousand men and an airfield . At first they divided us into a battalion and later into smaller companies . They gave us things and put us to work building barracks . We were to build barracks until the first of May . We had to march six kilometres back and forth daily . May 1st was the official opening of the new barracks . That evening , they showed films and brought in actors to entertain . We worked day and night . When the airfield was almost ready the word was that we would be soon going home . I wrote home three times a week . I also received letters quite often . By this time , a lot of my friends were mobilized . Some were sent to Brisk , near the German border . Saturday night , June 21st 1941 , I received a letter from my friend Nisl Malotchnik . He wrote : " our neighbours are walking on our heads " ( He meant that the Germans were dropping bombs ) , and the talk was something was about to happen . That night we lay on our beds and I told everyone about Nisl � s letter , about impending war . Not anticipating anything , we all fell asleep . Suddenly , there was a loud boom and the windowpanes shook . Soon after there was another boom , and then another . At first we thought that this was thunder . Neither dead nor alive , we all ran out of the barracks . It was then that we noticed that airplanes were bombarding . What a terrible noise . I ran outside . It was four o � clock in the morning , and the German messershmitzen were dropping bombs like flies and shooting from machine guns . We went to hide in the cornfields near our barracks . Suddenly all was quiet . Fifteen minutes later the airplanes returned shooting at our barracks . We didn � t know what to do . The boys were tearing at their hair . It was so noisy . Our bombardiers grabbed the women and children , packed them into cars and escaped toward Pinsk . There were small Russian tanks in the forest . Seeing there was nowhere to run they returned after a short time . Fifty men remained in the forest and began to head toward Munave . When we left our barracks the peasants who lived in the area went in and stole everything they could . The bombing from the airplanes continued all day as well as machine gun fire from the German planes . The planes flew very low and shot a lot . The Red Army ran deeper and deeper into Russia . We , the working battalion remained without a leader . No one showed any interest in us . We began to head toward home . What will be will be . We were a few guys from Stolin who stuck together . We were also with a guy from Velemish . He was able to guide us home by the sun . After the first day of walking , I had white blisters on my feet . The sun was burning , my shoes had shrunk . I eventually took them off and walked barefoot . At first everything was o . k . but then my feet began to burn like fire . We continued walking for eight days , from Kobrin to Stolin . My feet were so sore , and swollen , I walked like a drunk . We walked very slowly as everyone had the same problem . We all walked with rags wrapped around our feet . The peasants we met were friendly , and gave us food and drink . They were happy to see that we were from the Red Army . We were not German . We walked mainly at night , we tried to be careful not to fall into German hands . Us Jews , would stop in small villages , where the peasants would feed us . The peasants gave us bad news that the German army had already penetrated deep inside Russia . They talked with us openly , as if we were Bolsheviks , not realizing we were Jews . They told us they believed that it was the Jews � job to go to war . This made us feel uncomfortable . We arrived at a shtetl Faretch where the river flowed in the same direction we were walking . We asked the local people , how far this river flowed . We decided to travel by water . We found a wooden raft whose chain had been cut . With large sticks we began to paddle down the river . We didn � t have to paddle hard , because we were sailing with the current . We sailed all night stopping occasionally to empty the water from the raft . We were finally able to rest our feet . By daylight , the German planes were flying again . The planes were flying so low , we thought they could see us . One of our friends became frightened and confused and jumped into the river . The raft filled with water and floated away . We had to swim to shore . Two of us swam to one river bank and the others to the other side . There was so much mud that the mosquitoes started to stick to our skin . I had seen mosquitoes before , but never ones this big . They were biting without mercy . Water , mud and weeds were everywhere . In the morning we thanked God that the sun rose and warmed our bones . Even the mosquitoes let up a little . We cursed our friend that had jumped into the water . An old farmer had saw us standing on the river banks . We began to shout at him and he came to us . We told him what had happened and he advised us not to travel by raft any longer because there was a bridge up ahead and he knew the Germans were up on the bridge . He said he would take us to where we could walk . On the eighth day I thanked God that things worked out the way they did . We dragged ourselves to a spot not far from Stolin . I took off my shoes , and slowly crawled on all fours . I crawled all the way home , my heart pounding . God only knew what was doing at home . When I arrived at home it was very noisy . People were running around everywhere . People noticed that I had come from far away . All the children came running towards me , Gonia , Frumke and mother as well . They dragged me home , I looked terrible . I was sunburnt , unshaven with swollen feet . Gonia put compresses on my feet and people came by hoping to hear some news from far away . I didn � t have much to tell them . We received sad news , that the Germans killed the Jews of Brisk , Kobrin , Yanave and Motele . Stolin became a place for thousands of refugees , especially the youth who were trying to run for the borders . When news hit that the Russians were opening the borders , all hell broke loose . Anyone who had the strength , tried to find a way to escape . Many fifteen and sixteen year old girls left their homes , and ran toward the Polish - Russian border . When they arrived at the border , they were not allowed into Russia and faced great disappointment . They were all sent back . My sister � s children Chaya and Freidele tried to run away but had to come back . Meanwhile , Maishl came home . He also had wounded feet . Shmuel , my sister � s son , came from Pinsk . Shmuel asked me to run away with him , but I could not . Firstly , I couldn � t imagine leaving my parents , and secondly my feet were still bleeding , and I had no energy . My sister said nothing to Shmuel . No one was able to give Shmuel advice . Anyone who could , ran away . Shmuel ended up leaving with about a hundred young men . It was horrible to watch Shmuel say good - bye to his mother . She had seven small children . My sister had enough strength to tell Shmuel he should try to save himself . When he left , he said good - bye to everyone for good . I saw Shmuel after the war . We were the last to leave Stolin . With great fear we wondered what would be . Meanwhile , the Germans were moving deeper into Russia . They were almost at Kiev . With the Germans invading , the peasants � joy was increasing daily . At first the Red Army reappeared , but they were retreating slowly . Various events were happening . We tried to organize ourselves . We organized street patrols . The Russians left behind a lot of weapons , and we were prepared to use them . But a group of non - Jews also organized themselves . They would sneak into the Jewish streets at night and beat up Jews , break windows , and rape women . One Sunday I was sitting on a bridge with my brother Maishl , my sister , my sister - in - law , the children and our parents . A group of bandits came by and demanded we give up our weapons . We answered that we had no weapons . One of them picked up a stick , and hit my brother on the head . The children began to scream . They continued to beat us . A few Jewish boys joined us , there was quite a fight . My father , an old hero from way back , found an oar and began to swing it left and right . One of the guys was bleeding . I don � t remember if it was me or Maishl that made that pig bleed . They soon realised that they shouldn � t mess with us . They ran away . We washed and cleaned ourselves . I � m sure , my father had prepared this oar in advance . Not long after a group of bandits came to our house . I was home alone with Maishl , two against a hundred . I told Maishl that we should not be fools and we should run away . They approached us and attacked like wild animals . One held a revolver at Maishl . His wife Frumke came in screaming . Her screams distracted the murderer , and she grabbed the revolver from his hand . Meanwhile , a second band gathered on another street . On that street , the Jews had the upper hand . They made so much noise that their attackers became confused . Maishl ran into the garden jumped over the fence and ran into our stall . I joined him in the hay and remained there . The murderers looked around and could not find us . When they could not find us , they went to my parents and asked where their sons were . They then proceeded to beat our parents . When night fell I heard that things became quiet . I went home to find they had broken everything in the house . I then returned to the stall . Mother called to us as if she was talking hens . Lay still they are still here pretending to shout at the chickens but actually warning us . Mother came into the stall and asked us to go down . Moishl came out of his hiding place and went to sleep at home . We were sure they would return at night . Maishl and I decided to spend yet another night hidden in the stall , yet we knew we would have to escape around eleven o � clock at night . The bandits surrounded our house and once again robbed us . When they came to the garden , I helped Maishl dig a hole into the next garden . I peeked out of the stall and saw where the bandits were situated . I finally got tired and left . I came into the house , and saw how frightened my sister � s children were . What a horrible night . I couldn � t believe I was still alive . I could not remain in Stolin . The bandits were looking for me . I decided to leave Stolin for Ruble . My heart was heavy , but as soon as I arrived in Ruble I felt freer . Things were quiet in Ruble . Compared to what we saw in Stolin , Ruble was paradise . All the familiar peasants in Ruble greeted me warmly . I met up with a non - Jew who had been working in our mill . He gave me the key to our mill . I took the key , and all the peasants were very happy to see me . Some were so naive to believe that we could go back to old times . I took the key to Golde � s son Yakov , and asked him what he thought . Take if they give . When Yakov saw the key in my hand his whole face changed . He did not like the whole situation . I then said to Alexander let � s go to work . I then returned the key and told him to do what he wants . There was not enough bread . My parents and Gonia could not do very much . I began to bring bread and flour back to Stolin . I brought as much as possible . Half of Stolin � s eyes widened when they saw the packages I was bringing . Mother no longer had the strength to deliver the flour from door to door . In order to get by , the Jewish community of Stolin , began to bribe the bandits with whisky , rings and watches . Meanwhile , police were becoming organized in Ruble . They became nasty toward the Jews . They would beat up on old Jews but luckily they had respect for me . The bandits did not let up . The Germans had a very difficult time fighting a war in the mud . The German tanks went very slowly through the swamp . We heard the engines of the German tanks from miles away . Out of fear , we spent several nights in the forest . When in the forest , I would sit for long hours and think what would become of us . The peasants were showing some kindness but not as much as earlier . They looked forward to the Germans arriving . They prepared flowers , butter , milk and eggs . They would often stand around laughing . I couldn � t laugh . I didn � t know what lay ahead . The few Jews in Ruble continued to work very hard . Shoemakers , tailors , everyone worked . Aunty Golde � s son Yakov , worked day and night . The Chassidim would sit around the table talking about the miracles of the German army . They compared the situation to the story of the Maccabies . They didn � t want to believe what was coming . They didn � t believe the stories we were hearing about the Jews of Warsaw . Meanwhile , there was no good news . The dark clouds were approaching Horodok . Horodok was becoming noisy and unsettled . The Russians had been back in Horotok and brought prisoners to chop down the forest . One prisoner whose name was Vanko escaped and hid with a gentile from Ruble named Ivan . He joined a group of bandits that attacked the Jews . They were surprised to see that even the Jews of Ruble had some weapons . One Saturday night , I was sitting at my aunt Golde � s . Suddenly I heard children shouting : " the Germans are coming ! " I looked out the window , and saw many soldiers surrounding the village . The peasants were sure nothing would happen to them . They thought they would be able to leave . But the Germans let no one in and no one out . The soldiers and police ran around banging on the windows shouting for all the Jews to come out . We had no choice . Yankl , Avremele , Yehuda and myself all went out together . The Germans were standing in the middle of the village . They would not let us walk together . Each person had to walk alone . With our hands up in the air we had to walk toward the church . I walked with my head down , in great shame . Our Christian neighbours were looking out of their windows . The soldiers surrounded us from all sides . I looked around and saw everybody there . I looked at all the faces , particularly the young ones . The only one who didn � t look frightened was Yehuda . He even tried to smile , and have a conversation with a soldier . The soldier quickly silenced him . Soon a German officer asked who among us speaks German . Meir said he did . Someone had told the Germans that the Jews had weapons . They went searching the Jewish houses for weapons and said if they found any we would be shot . Looking around we noticed that the Rabbi was not among us . The Rabbi � s wife said he was hiding and soldiers were sent to get him . When they found him they beat him . We were all standing around worrying about our fate . After waiting for a long time , the officer returned and said he did not find any weapons and that we can all go home . He didn � t have to say it a second time we all quickly ran home . Most of the peasants were happy we survived this ordeal , some were disappointed . I noticed these reactions and remembered them . I realised things could get worse . The next Saturday they called all the Jews out again . On that second Shabbat they called the Jews out for a meeting at the Synagogue . Instead of going to the synagogue , I decided not to go to the meeting , and headed down the street toward the mill . If anyone asked where I was heading , I would just answer I was going through the gates . If anybody asked why I did not come to the meeting I would just pretend I didn � t know about it . The main reason , I didn � t want to go to this meeting , was because among the bandits , there was a man they called " The Ram " . This man had once attacked my father and then was sentenced to six months in jail . I didn � t want to meet him . He was waiting for the right moment to catch me . When I arrived at my own mill , I had to sneak in . the machinist sat and worked . I felt like a stranger in my own mill . I began to work as well . Soon a policeman entered with a stick . He had a little respect for me . He then asked why I didn � t come to the meeting . I told him that I didn � t want to go , and I asked him if he had come to get me . The policeman then said : " I told them I would bring you . " At that moment , I was feeling strong and I responded : " Tell them I didn � t know . " " Good " responded the policeman . " Don � t go away , " he said as he left the mill . I quickly looked out the window to see if he was returning . I saw uncle Yosl through the window . I took great pity on him , he couldn � t even speak . He was beaten up . He just shook his head as if to say look what they did to me . They gathered up the Jews in the Synagogue , and Vanko took a little bit of merchandise from everybody , suits , money . Everybody carried something in his hand . Everyone had his own needs in mind . I don � t know if it was a dream or a vision but then and there , I had a clear image of what was to come . Nobody believed me . There were Jews carrying food to the partisans , there were even witnesses who saw people carrying food . Jews were not permitted to carry anything out of the village . When the commander would see us leaving the village , we would tell him that we were going fishing . Once when I was out fishing , they told me I could go anywhere I want . So every morning I took some bread and went behind the village . Yakov would laugh at me . " We will soon have fish for supper " , he said . What were we to do ? How can I save myself ? For hours I was upset with the fact that I didn � t go with the army . But so far , our situation was not so bad . I would take all that I could from the mill . The Gentiles of Ruble were good to me . I was happy to still be in the village . Maishl stopped hiding , and began to help the Jews of Stolin . Money was still helpful . We were able to pay off the police in gold . At times even the bandits could be bribed . There was no way out . The Russian bandits were getting closer to the town of David Horodok and were shooting at the town with artillery . They were so close , it seemed like thousands of soldiers were surrounding the city . But the bandits began to panic and left the city . They had burned a few houses , but when they left we felt our salvation had come . We knew we would never have our old life again . With all the shortcomings of the Soviet Regime , it was paradise compared to what we were seeing . We would give up everything just to go back to what was . Maraike and his band returned unwillingly and with shame . They used the moment to travel to Luninietz where the S . S . was stationed . They informed the S . S . that the Jews of Horodok were armed with grenades , and were in contact with the Russian partisans . The S . S . sent troops to Horodok . By Sunday morning six a . m . Horodok was surrounded by S . S . officers . They went from house to house , taking out the men , as if they were taking them to work . Some men were taken out in their underwear . They searched everywhere . It was very hard to hide . They gathered a group of 1 , 250 men ranging in age from fourteen until old age . These unlucky men , believing they were going to work , grabbed bread merchandise and money . Perhaps there will be something to buy ? Upon departure , they were not allowed to take anything . This is how the Jews of Horodok were taken away . Chaim went after them to see what would happen . The men were stripped naked , and shot . Some were buried alive , fighting death . The earth moved for a few hours . After the murder they went into the Jewish homes and told the sad widows they had fifteen minutes to leave town . The sick who could not leave , were murdered . Children had to bury their own relatives . Gentiles from surrounding towns came to fill their sacks with Jewish goods . At the time , nobody in Ruble knew what had taken place in Horodok , therefore , nobody thought about leaving . Everybody was home , working , trying to earn just a little more money . That Sunday , I went out of the village like always . The Gentiles looked healthy and were very happy . I couldn � t understand their laughter . I went into aunt Golde � s house and there was Yakov working as usual . The sly Gentiles , knew what was about to happen , but they wanted to get just a little more work out of Yakov . I watched him work , and wondered how he could be so relaxed at such a time . I said to Yankl : " Come , let � s go fishing " . Yankl laughed at me . Yankl said you go fishing I � ll catch up to you with the wagon when I go to collect . The Gentiles laughed at Yankl � s joke . I couldn � t sit . I took a piece of bread , and went out of the village . I had the desire to catch some fish . I sat and thought how nice it was to be alone . Away from the police , and the stares of the Gentiles . Meanwhile , it started to rain . At first I took shelter in the trees . Then it started to pour . The rain didn � t bother me at all . It was around four o � clock in the afternoon , but the dark rain clouds made it feel like night . I didn � t want to return to the village . Suddenly , I heard shooting from nearby . Something pulled at my heart . This was a different type of shooting , three shots followed by silence , another three shots followed by silence , again and again . I hid deeper in the bushes . The rain chilled my body , the gunshots chilled my blood . I tried to take shelter to warm myself up . It became late . I slowly made my way back to the village . I saw Levin . He asked me if I had heard the shots . He had also been fishing . When he asked me what I though it could have been I told him I did not know . I said I would return to the village to see what had happened . Simon looked at me with wonder . If everything is good we will hear and if everything is bad why would you want to go . He saw me shivering from the cold . He took off his sweater and gave it to me to wear . His stall was not far and he invited me in to warm up by the fire . He said he would go immediately to find out what had happened . I was to lay by the fire until Simon returned with the news . I couldn � t wait for him to return . I went to the village . Approaching the village , I saw a Gentile from a distance . I soon recognized him to be Marko . When he saw me , he crossed himself and didn � t look at me . I ran toward him and asked him what happened in the village . Instead of answering me he began to curse . Marko then told me that all the Jews had been shot . I felt ashamed . The devil took me fishing . Now I am alone , the lone survivor . Why was I spared and not killed with all those holy men ? Marko then said they had killed everyone in Horodok and Stolin . What do I do now ? I had a crazy idea to go back to the village . Marko shouted at me to go back and sit in the stall . Soon more Gentiles began to arrive . Everyone ran around confused . Even for them this was a lot to handle . They had lived among the Jews for years . When they saw me alive , they ran to me and kissed me . They assured me that the children were not tortured . When they shot the men the women came out with heart - rending screams . They were also driven out . They gathered the men at the fire station as if they were going to have a meeting . They tied them up in threes , took them out of the village . Meanwhile , the non - Jewish boys were hitting them with sticks . Yankl , Moishe and Feigl � s son , was very brave . It was like leading sheep to the slaughter . Yakov , auntie Golde � s son wrote a few words on a piece of paper and asked somebody to give it to me . Nobody wanted to take this note in their hands . They shot three bullets into him , and he was still standing . The fourth put him down . Shloimke , the blacksmith � s son was lightly wounded in his ear . He fell among the dead . Suddenly he stood up and began to run . He was caught and shot . All these stories were told to me by the Gentiles who saw everything . They didn � t sleep all night . They sat up smoking as each Gentile had had a Jewish friend . The police quickly caught on that I was not among the dead . But night fell and they were busy with other things . They couldn � t search for me I spent more time on the street than in doors . I lived like a wild animal with sharp ears and sharp eyes . I went deeper and deeper into the darkness . At dawn I left the Gentiles and I told them how I will tell everybody they were good to me . In the morning I crossed to the other side of the river . It was then that I realised there were fifty - three dead . I recited Kaddish ( mourner � s prayer ) for all the names I could remember and I cried hot tears . I wondered what was doing in Stolin . Were my loved ones still alive ? If they were alive , I must let them know that I am alive . I couldn � t hear or see anything I remained among the dead for the rest of the day . I heard footsteps approaching . Perhaps they � re out looking for me . I then heard more footsteps and whispers . Then I recognized Simon � s voice calling out : " Mikhoel , Mikhoel ! " I wondered how he had found me . He told me he had been searching all morning . He brought me milk , bread , matches and paper . He told me the women and children of the village were taken away . I wanted to go farther away and hide . There was no talk about returning to the village . I was thinking where to go . What to do now ? I thought I should go deeper in Horoshe among the harvest but I should wait till darkness . At night there were dogs barking . My feet were crumbling under me , my heart was pounding . I had no idea how I would escape this situation . At one time when it was difficult here there was a good friend Avdey Siroshik who hid my brothers Maishl and Berl . Whenever I would go fishing , I would bring Avdeus a package of tobacco and matches . He would often treat me to dried fish . Without speaking , I approached him . When he saw me he took me in his arms , and began to cry . " Come to me my son , don � t be afraid " , he said . " I won � t let them touch a single hair . An angel from heaven sent you to me . Come with me into town I don � t want anyone to see you " . Late that evening Avdey took me to Stanoch , fed me and washed my shirt . " Eat my child " , he said . I hadn � t eaten for two days . I could barely open my mouth to eat . The old man pushed the plate to me and encouraged me to eat . " I hope you like fresh fish " , he said . " I will add a little pepper , maybe that will give you an appetite . " The old man was very angry . He said that those who cause such a tragedy should be cursed . After I ate , and calmed down a little , I told the old man I wanted to go to Stolin . Maybe people are still alive . I was so lonely . Avdey warned me that he had heard , that all the Jews of Stolin were at home and feeling fine . All night I thought about what might be doing in Stolin . Sitting by the fire , with smoke in my eyes , I thought about how brave the old man was . At dawn , he put me in a small boat and sent me to the small island at Horishe . The island was covered with white birch trees . After we left Ruble , he told me to hide and that as soon as he would have a chance he would return . Lying in the bushes , I heard the banging of the wagons of the Gentiles returning from the village with their families . I overheard them talking about the nasty Jews . The Gentiles of the area were quite friendly . They brought milk and bread and allowed people to stay to rest . From my hiding place on my island I was able to see the comings and goings . It was already quite late when the old man returned to me . I recognized him from his cough . He told me things were quiet in Stolin , but I should stay put . He apologized for not coming sooner . He left some milk and bread for me and told me he would come back soon to take me away . The old man � s son , Chvedar , a sly crook , began to watch his father , and become suspicious that his father was hiding me . After seeing his father come to the island , he came to the island looking for me . When I heard his footsteps , I hid even deeper . At one point I heard coughing and was sure it was the old man . As I slowly crawled out of my hiding spot it was a terrible feeling to see Chvedar � s face with that criminal smile . He found me , and was very pleased with himself . I was not happy , but there was nothing I could do . I fell to my knees and tears began to pour from my eyes . " Mikhoel " , he said , " I will not harm you " . He was very angry with his father , but not with me . I told Chvedar that I was anxious to go to Stolin to find out what had happened there . He told me that at dawn he would go to Stolin , and would return to me the following day with a report . I nervously awaited him the whole next day . Finally the old man Avdey showed up in a boat . He gave me so much , and I loved him very much . I told the old man that I was going to leave and that he should not be frightened . What has happened has already happened . The old man brought me everything I needed including a plate , a spoon , matches , and a flint for making fire from stone . Seeing that he was not asleep I could not fall asleep . I sat up and thought about all the martyrs . I was jealous of all those who were free , all those who could go where they want . I didn � t sleep all night , I sat up and listened to the wind . I looked up at the starry , starry sky and asked : " for whom is the sky so beautiful ? " It was already three nights that I spent with the old man . It was already four days since the martyrs of Ruble lay in the ground . Are they still alive in Stolin ? Do they know I am still alive ? Avdey looked me straight in the eyes and rubbed my head . He didn � t want me to think so much . In an effort to distract me , he told me stories from when he was a young handsome soldier . At daybreak , Chvedar came to milk the cows . He told me they found Nosn Ginsburg who had been in hiding near Ruble . The Ruble police found him and shot him . He then told me that in the town of Bereznaya the bandits came and looted the Jewish homes . They even pulled off the windows and doors . In one house they found Yehuda Boruch and Moishe Budesky , who by some miracle remained and saw the women being taken away . Not knowing what would happen to them , they came out of hiding . When the local Gentiles saw Yehuda Boruch walking on the street they joyfully ran to hug and kiss him . But some began to shout : " Jew , Jew ! " and they began to run from one end of the village to another . Old and young came to see what was happening . Those awful people became busy with stealing Jewish goods . Meanwhile they took Yehuda Boruch and Moishe Budsky , two old Jews , and took them to what was once Yehuda Durchin � s cellar . This was the only closed cellar in Ruble . Three people had escaped from the massacre in Horodok . Simcha the slaughterer , Noche the barber , and another young boy who � s name I cannot remember . They were all in a stall in Ruble . Simcha the slaughterer , chose the stall and when the Gentiles arrived , Simcha came out of hiding . Simcha asked the man for bread . The man said he would go to the village and bring back bread and other things . When the Gentile returned , he brought a gun instead of bread . He then brought Simcha to Yehuda Durchin � s cellar . When the old man Lipsky saw what was happening to Simcha , he ripped his shirt , fell to the ground and cried . In Stolin , they had still not heard the horrible news from Horodok . My brother Maishl had survived the Ruble Slaughter and was afraid to ask of my whereabouts . Finally the old man told me that he thought my brother was still alive . He swore he had not seen him among the dead . We assumed he was alive , but we didn � t know where . Nobody knew where I was . Shloime Ginzburg managed to escape from Ruble . When he arrived in Stolin , he ran through the village and the police ran after him . Many were enemies of the Jews . He managed to escape because he was healthy , young and strong . Militia from Stolin , dressed in Ukrainian uniforms , set out to Ruble to see if they can catch any Jews that may still be alive . They were planning to shoot the five Jews in the cellar . When they arrived at the cellar in Ruble , the police saw them . The Militia got frightened and let the Jews go . They also said that no one should touch the Jews . The five who had been sentenced to death did not know what to do . When the bandit Vanko had heard what took place he began to laugh . When Chvedar heard that the Jews were let free he came to the island and told his father that I should be let free . " Oh my son , don � t be scared " , said the old man . " Everything is now o . k . " There was nothing much left for the robbers to steal . Things had become calmer and quieter . I was curious to return to Ruble to see what they did . I wanted to show everyone I was still alive . I wanted to see my friends and family . I couldn � t believe something so terrible could happen . When I arrived in Ruble it was harvest time . I was assured all was quiet . I went slowly to the village hoping to find familiar faces . Everything looked normal . The peasants were carrying their buckets . Others were busy with their horses and pigs . My heart was beating fast . I stopped to look around . I approached the home of Afanovitch with my heart beating faster and faster . Where was I going ? Some of the Gentile boys came running towards me . " Don � t go there ! " they shouted . Vanko is now in the village and he � s sitting and drinking with the machinist . If he sees you , he � ll kill everyone . They wouldn � t let me go . They took me with force into the garden and they made me swear I would not leave . I wanted to see the machinist . One of the boys brought him to me . I saw he was nervous . He was surprised to see me alive . I asked him if he had the opportunity to please send a bit of flour . Meanwhile , my Gentile friends prepared a package for me with bread and cheese . They also gave me a jacket . These were the same guys that took the boots off uncle Yehuda � s feet . Uncle Yehuda was paralysed , he lay in bed and couldn � t move . When he wanted to speak , only strange noises would come from his mouth . Rochl and Mirl cared for him . When the women were taken away , they couldn � t take Yehuda with them . They dressed him , put boots on his feet and left him . When the Gentile boys came , they stole the boots off Yehuda � s feet . These were the same boys that helped me . Go try and understand them . With a full sack of food and a torn jacket I returned to Horishe . I didn � t want anybody to find out that I was staying with Avdey . Seeing my sack full of food made the old man a little more cheerful . He was happy to see that others were caring for me as well . Waiting for Chvedar to return from Stolin , my heart nearly fell out of my chest . When he finally returned around eleven o � clock at night he took a note out of his pocket and handed it to me . I immediately recognized my brother Maishl � s handwriting . I was delighted to find out he was still alive . I knew , that I would be assumed dead until they would actually see me in Stolin . Alive in Horishe , I began to think about how to return to Stolin . There were police in the villages and I was afraid . I would have to pass through Vonkevitch . I knew the town was filled with bandits . I decided to wait a few more days . By Saturday , I finally decided to head towards Stolin . The old man didn � t want to let me go . He offered me as much fish and bread as I needed and told me I should stay until things calmed down . But my heart was tugging at me to go to Stolin . I swapped my pants and shirt with the old man . Dressed in peasant clothes , with a sack over my shoulders I began my journey through Dobrove and Belahush to Stolin . I knew the road so well , I had travelled it so many times . But everything looked strange to me . I didn � t speak to people that I saw along the way . I didn � t want to bring any attention to myself . Dressed in peasant � s clothing , nobody recognized me as a Jew . The most difficult part of my journey was to see the sad women of Belahush going from door to door begging for a piece of bread . The priest and his wife helped care for these women . Chaike , Moishe Faivl � s wife , recognized me and began to scream : " Mikhoel is alive ! Mikhoel is alive ! " People came running from all directions . For a moment I felt very embarrassed since these women � s husbands were dead and I was still alive . One woman began to complain and asked me why I didn � t bring her husband with me . Woe is me . If auntie Golde � s Chaya had not been there I don � t know what I would have done . Curious peasants began to gather around . Chaya began to shout : " let him go the police will be here soon ! " I passed Belahush in peace . As I continued towards Stolin I saw many women from Stolin carrying food for the less fortunate . I saw my sister Gonia and her children carrying baskets of food to Belahush . My sister could not believe it was me . She told me to go home quickly to see mother . I walked through the back streets and gardens until I reached our yard . Father was sitting on the porch , and mother was working in the yard . When she looked up and saw me , she couldn � t budge . She spread her arms wanting to run toward me but she couldn � t move . I fell into her arms , I couldn � t say a word , I only sobbed . Father let out a cry through his thick lips " God in heaven , we never believed we would see you alive again " . Suddenly Maishl fell upon me . He tried to hold back his tears but couldn � t . " Woe is me " , he cried . " You escaped the murderers . " When Frumke saw me , she became hysterical . By the time I calmed her down , all the neighbours began to arrive . It was hard to believe , that for seven days I had been close to death , and now , here I was with my mother , father , Maishl , Frumke , Gonia and the children . It felt like a dream . The Stolin Jewish community had a big task . They had to rescue and help the widows from other towns . They paid off the police and brought as many women into Stolin as possible , filling up the synagogues with destitute women who had nowhere to go . Those who had friends , stayed with them . Stolin was now providing for many hungry and poor . The doors of Stolin were never closed . Women and children went from door to door asking for bread . Auntie Golde and Chaya had moved into my room together with Rochl and her two daughters . The house was packed . Even though mother had many problems of her own , her door was open to every hungry person . Uncle Sholem � s daughter Chana together with her husband and child also moved in with us . The Germans had captured uncle Sholem , taken him behind the village and told him to dig his own grave . After he finished digging they told him to lie down in it . When they saw it wasn � t quite deep enough they made him dig deeper . They hit him and tore his beard . As they were about to shoot him , a group of soldiers passed by and didn � t let the other soldiers shoot . With great fear , uncle Sholem told us this story of his survival . The leader of the Stolin Jewish community was an engineer from Lodz who � s name was Berger . Berger spoke German very well and was a man of strong character . He was able to be strong in the most difficult times . He was the first to deal with the murderers . The Rabbi � s son - in - law was scared and sat at home . Boruch Goldman , Aaron Shimen Turkenich , Shloime Pollak the wagon driver . He was the one who handled the bandits of Stolin . It was now two weeks before Rosh Hashanah ( the Jewish new year ) , but it did not feel like a festive time . Every one was worried about what lay ahead . There was not an empty spot in Stolin . There were many refugees coming to Stolin from Poland . Jews who escaped death in other villages were arriving in Stolin . When there were as few Jewish families left alive in Dubnow the peasants came in at night , chopped off hands and feet of some , and chased the rest out of town . Stolin was right on the Ukrainian border . The Germans had the Ukrainians willingly on their side . They allowed the Ukrainians to do whatever they wanted to the Jews . A few Ukrainian nationalists arrived in Stolin and took over . Berger tried to connect himself to them . Bribing them with money and whisky he tried to prevent them from bothering the Jews . This was a crazy time . From time to time , the Ukrainians would bother the Jewish girls . We tried , as much as possible , to stay off the streets . The surrounding peasants came to Stolin daily . They could not understand what was happening or rather not happening in Stolin . Compared to what was going on in other villages , Stolin was like paradise . Some truly believed that the Jews of Stolin had been saved thus far due to the presence of the holy Rabbi . The holy Rabbi didn � t even want to hear about the tragedies befalling Bialystok , Rovno and Pinsk . Stolin is different he would say , this won � t happen here . Everybody was searching for bread . People sold everything they had worked all their lives for , for a piece of bread or potatoes . Gentiles from Ruble , friends of our family , would often come by to see how we were doing and to bring us some bread . My parents believed they were doing this out of true friendship . But I noticed , how their horses were ready , and how they eyed everything we had in our house . I knew their intentions . Every day these guests would come , thinking that the tragedy would soon befall Stolin and they would be able to steal all the Jewish possessions . They would come bringing potatoes and flour but then in return ask my mother for various items . I had nothing left . The few things I had in Ruble were stolen on the day we fought with the bandits . My father had very little . My mother still had a few tablecloths and kerchiefs that she sold , rather gave away for next to nothing . Every time my mother would find a blouse , a napkin or a kerchief she would give it to Gonia who had to divide it up among the children . She began to give away all the things sent from Ruble . How could I not allow her to sell things at such a time ? We had to be silent because we heard the peasants would soon be forbidden to have contact with the Jews . The house was quickly becoming empty . Gonia would often say that if we survive , we will get everything back . Rosh Hashanah was approaching and we were becoming more and more frightened . Usually at this time of year , we worried about having a good cantor , new clothes , or about cooking and baking . This Rosh Hashanah , we were overcome with fear . In the evening we went to synagogue one at a time . We were afraid to light large fires so we just lit a few candles at the Bimah . Yakov , recited the prayers in a quiet voice . Like thieves we snuck to and from synagogue . Moishl , Frumke , and Gonia came to hear Kaddish . Where was the holiday meal ? Chaya and Golde let out bitter cries . Rochl and her children cried after their father . And in this bitter time , even the men began to weep . Instead of shouting at the women to stop crying we cried with them . Maishl had a plan ; to hide whatever belongings we still had , between planks of wood in the stall . We hid a few pillows and a few blankets , in case we would have to spend some nights there . I buried a few pieces of silver among our things . We didn � t have much to hide . Most of what we had we used to buy bread . In the morning we went to synagogue . Behind closed windows we prayed like corpses wrapped in prayer shawls , weeping quietly . Everything was as if dead . Everybody cried through the Rosh Hashanah prayers . Our Maishl cried hard for the suffering and troubles that had befallen us . He didn � t know this was to be his last day alive . While we were in the synagogue we noticed a lot of movement in the street . A few cars full of Germans drove by . They were wearing brown uniforms and red armbands . Everyone was petrified . We hadn � t yet finished praying , when they began running around in anger . They were carrying rifles . We looked out of the windows and it seemed they were running around like mad men preparing something . I was tired and went to lie down . Maishl came in . when he saw me asleep he shouted : " How could you sleep at a time like this ? ! Come into our place and we � ll drink some tea . " I didn � t have a lot of energy . I suggested to Moishl we go to our hiding place . Maishl said it was not yet necessary ; it appeared that things were becoming calmer . I went to him . Frumke and Zelda Finkelshtein were sitting and talking . Maishl began to joke with them and tell stories of his bravery . He feared nothing . Suddenly we heard footsteps on the bridge . The militia had arrived and began banging on the door . Frumke yelled " save the children ! " But it was too late . Another militia was standing at the back door . Both entered the house with rifles . One of them had a broken gun and demanded from Moishl that he give him a hammer and nails . Maishl gave them a hammer and nails . They shouted : " leave ! " Not knowing to whom they were speaking I stood up . " Not you , sit down ! " They dragged Maishl out . Frumke began to cry . She began to ask them to leave Maishl . She offered money but they did not allow her to speak . As they forced Maishl out of the house he turned around and said : " Don � t cry , be strong . I � ll be back soon . " This was his final journey . He didn � t come back to us . They took fifty Jews from Stolin . They tortured them , they jabbed them with swords and kicked them . Even a brave man like Maishl couldn � t take it . His last words were : " Woe is me " , as they tortured him in the corridors of the jail . Blood ran from Maishl � s open wounds . The murderers poured iodine into his wounds . The greatest suffering was to his holy soul . Around twelve o � clock in the Stolin jail two of the fifty died . One was Maishl . The rest were held longer and tortured . Six months later , I found my brother � s body and buried him in his prayer shawl in a grave near auntie Golde � s . With tears we recited the Kaddish at his grave . Zelig Fishman was with me at the burial . He was very helpful to me . My brother � s face was difficult to recognize . Frumke , Gonia and Chaya were at the funeral . We did it without the Germans knowing as it was forbidden . After my brother � s death , the most difficult days began . I was the only one left from the family surrounded by widows and orphans . I would look at the children ; especially Avivale and my heart would be ripped to pieces . Aunt Golde was fine but suddenly she went out like a light . It was Chanukah time when her soul was raised . Many widows from Ruble were in our home . We made a big funeral . We were not afraid even though it was forbidden . A heavy yoke lay upon me to take care of all the widows and orphans . I had to see that they would not go hungry . There was always a quorum in our home . My father , may he rest in peace would say Kaddish for the dead of Ruble , for my brother Maishl and for my auntie Golde . Father would say little and bite his lip in silence . He would only get angry when the women would cry , yet he would himself often weep . I had to play the role of a hero , but hiding in a corner where no one could see I would weep as well . We were not allowed to go outside after seven o � clock in the evening . We would sit with closed shutters . Gonia and the children would often come to us through the garden and we would tell her what was going on . This is how we spent the whole winter . On the eve of Passover 1942 , Gonia was taken from her home . Zelig Fishman was very helpful to us . Rumour had it that they were going to build a ghetto in Stolin . By the eve of Shavuot the ghetto was completed . It � s hard to describe what happened . We received a command that everybody could take only what they could carry in their hands . We had to live . Father , may he rest in peace walked into the ghetto , bent over with tears dripping from his eyes into his beard . The ghetto was surrounded with fifteen wires on sticks that were three metres high . We were given a small room . We shared it with uncle Yakov � s Chaya - Golde , her small five - year - old son and my parents . Gonia was not far from us . Frumke and the children were also not far . Once in the ghetto , the real difficulties of life began . People were dying daily . They were swollen from hunger . I would look at my parents � feet and shutter . People thought of nothing except where to get something to eat . I found a way to smuggle some food in . Soon the news came that everyone will be shot . How could that be ? Small children , the elderly ? This can � t be right ! It can � t be true . The dark day arrived . They eve of Rosh Hashanah 1942 , 7 , 000 Jewish souls were killed . The graves were ready . They stripped everyone naked and lined them up in rows . Then with machine guns , they shot them all . I will never forget the last night in the ghetto . I was with my parents until three o � clock in the morning . We said good - bye , we kissed and cried . I even kissed your pictures and said good - bye to you . Father recited Kaddish . Mother washed , and put on the nicest dress she had , preparing herself for death . They sent me out of the house . Leave us now they insisted . You will survive , you will one day take revenge and you will be the one to tell everyone what happened to us . At that moment I could not believe the words spoken by my parents . I should leave ? How could I go when we were surrounded on all sides ? I decided to go in order to make things easier for my parents . They wanted so much for me to remain alive . That is how I departed from my loved ones forever . On thousands of occasions I cursed the moment that I left . More than once , I wished I were lying with them , hugging just before death . After the slaughter , I lay in the cellar for eighteen days with Villen Meloshnik . While in the ghetto I thought of plans of escape . My heart told me that as soon as I would be able to leave the ghetto I would know what to do . Villen was with me , his wife was still alive . Sholem Durchin , was also in hiding with his wife and child . Their family was still intact . I was already an orphan . I met them at night and tried to convince them to leave with me . They were hoping for miracles . They remained . I continued to try to think how to get out . On the eighteenth night , I decided to crawl out of my hiding place and go out in the darkness like a wild animal . I felt I was walking on dead bodies . My hair stood on end just from the thought . Where should I go ? Everything was locked , closed tight . At that moment I met a living person . I immediately approached him thinking another unlucky soul was walking around searching for a way out . I was shocked when in front of me stood a large Gentile , who had been the biggest thief in Stolin ! I became cold with fear . The thief showed me the way out of the ghetto . Later I heard that Vilen , Baile , Nisl and Shloime had been shot . This is when my � golden days � began . I felt like I was the only man in the world , wandering and hiding . Lonely as a dog ! I finally arrived in Horishe to my good friend , Avdey . He helped me , and sent me with great care and protection to the partisans . This was war . Taking revenge left and right . My experiences that came later are not important to write about . Being with the partisans was not easy . Michael Nosanchuk of Rubleh describes the horrible events in a letter to his brother Boris living in Windsor . His cousin Yakov Nosanchuk gave us two letters to publish . The first letter gives a general overview of the conditions that the Red Army soldier endured , and the second describes the details of the horrible slaughter . He writes in the first letter : Today is the happiest day of my life . That is how I feel , reading a letter written in my brother � s hand . How many days and nights did I think of only one thing : that you should only know of the dark fate that had overtaken us . Escaping from the dark ghetto , from the murderous hands of the Germans , wandering around in the mud , swamps , woods and marshes alone and forlorn , worse off than a dog , I had only one thought - how can I let my brother and sister know ? Will someone in my family even know of my death , of what I endured ? More than once I wanted to end my life , but remembering you , I encouraged myself . I kept up my hope and , with all my strength , I endured everything . My only aspiration was to get hold of a gun and take revenge . It was not easy for me to decide to join a partisan detachment . From the detachment I went on to join the Red Army . I was in Lithuania , Latvia , later on the front lines outside of Warsaw , and I ended in the darkness of Berlin . I took revenge for our innocent , spilled blood . But the great wound will not heal . In 1941 around the 16th of Av ( I remember it was a Sunday ) , the horrible slaughter occurred in David - Horodok . With the pretext that they were being sent to work , all the men were gathered outside of Horodok and shot to death . I was in Rubleh at that time unaware of anything . I had a passion for fishing , so I went out to the river . Uncle Yosef , our Aunt Golde 's husband , sat at home around the table with his fellow Hasidim . I called for him to come with me , but he only joked that he would come later with a wagon to get the fish . I went alone . Around five o � clock in the afternoon , I heard guns shooting , one after another . I settled deeper into the bushes and waited until someone came from the village . The first to announce the bitter news was the shameless Marko . Just two hours earlier everything had been peaceful . Everyone sat at his work , whether at the forge or at sewing . Suddenly all the men were dead , including cousin Yakov . A short time ago he was telling jokes , and now he lay dead . Why ? Fifty - three martyrs were murdered , with Hannahle � s ( Zingerman ) father and Gitle � s husband among them . Before he died Yakov said a few words . The villagers had taken them out bound together in groups of three into barns , and there they shot them . Soon came the realization that all were gone in Horodok as well . I managed to get away unnoticed to my friend Avdej Siroshik in the village of Horisha . The murderers soon realized that I was not among the bodies , and began searching for me . However Avdej knew how to hide me . In Stolin the black SS were not yet active . They had seized only David - Horodok . In Rubleh the perpetrators were local gentiles . I received a message from our brother Maishe Haim , may he rest in peace , that I should come to Stolin . I went there . The unfortunate women of Horodok and Rubleh had been driven out of the villages of Horisha , and were robbed of their belongings before their eyes . The gentile Nikolai Pusiks pulled cousin Yakov � s boots off the feet of his sister Haiyeh . ( Later I saw him while I was with the partisans , and he was killed . ) The unfortunates then wandered through the Brezno forest . Nowhere would anyone let them in . The Jews created a communal organization in Stolin , and with much money and sacrifice they worked to allow the unfortunates to enter Stolin . On the second day of Rosh Hoshana , I sat with our brother Maisheh Haim . Suddenly two thugs burst into the house and took Maishele away forever . Three days later we learned that he had been tortured to death . He had been stuck with prods and pieces of flesh were torn from him . On the second day of Rosh Hoshana , 1941 , at 12 midnight , he gave up his holy soul in the Stolin jail . I found his body six months later , and buried him wrapped in his tallis , near Aunt Golde � s grave . His son , Liave , covered with tears , said the graveside Kaddish . Zelig Fishman was with me . He helped me . The face of our holy brother was already decomposed , but I recognized him anyway . Maisheh Haim 's widow , Frumke , our sister Gonyeh and her daughters Haiyeh and Rachel also came running to help . We made the funeral without the knowledge of the Germans . After Maisheleh � s death I began a different life . I became a part of a family of orphans and widows . I would look at the children , especially his little daughter Avivaleh , and my heart would nearly break . Aunt Golde held out well , but then the light began to go out . At Hanukkah , she breathed her last in our house . All the Rubleh widows wept for her . We made a quiet funeral because the Germans forbade funerals . I turned in every direction trying to keep them from starving . We had a minyon in our house . Father , may he rest in peace , would say Kaddish with Liave . The first Kaddish was for the Rubleh martyrs , next for our brother , then for Aunt Golde . Father would say little , just bite his lips and keep silent . Often he would scold the women when they began crying , and then he would begin to shed tears . I was forced to play the role of a hero , but at the same time shed my own tears . One could not appear on the streets after seven o � clock in the evening . We would sit behind closed shutters . Often Gonyeh and her children would come through the garden and we would sit together . Not infrequently we would talk about you , whether you knew what was happening here and what you would think when you found out . Thus we sat in the house the entire winter . On the eve of Pesach , 1942 , they drove Gonyeh out of her house , and then us too . At that time Zelig Fishman , may he rest in peace , gave us considerable aid . Then there began rumors that the Germans would make a ghetto in Stolin . How many trials could we endure ? How many tribulations ? They were flaying our skin . By the eve of Shavuos the Germans had completed encircling the ghetto with a fence of 15 wires , one post every two or three meters . We received the order to move into the ghetto . It is impossible to describe the picture . Everybody carried what they could - as one must live . Father , may he rest in peace , took his cane and went into the ghetto . We were assigned a small room - myself , Golde � s son Shia , cousin Yakov � s five - year - old son Michalkeh and our parents . Not far from us was Gonyeh with her children and our sister - in - law Frumke and her children Liaveh and Avivaleh . In the ghetto it was forbidden to take anything in or out . The death rate reached twelve a day . People became swollen . I would look at mother � s feet and shudder . We talked of nothing but eating . We found ways of smuggling food into the ghetto . Then came the terrible knowledge that they were shooting all the Jews . We couldn � t believe it . What does it mean ? How could they ? Small children ? Old people ? It cannot be ! Until the black day came on the eve of Rosh Hoshana 1942 , there had been 7000 souls in Stolin , and all were killed . The graves were prepared . They first stripped naked and then were forced to lie down in the graves and then were shot in rows . I will never forget the last night in the ghetto . I stayed with mother until three o � clock in the morning . We kissed and kissed , cried and cried with your photographs pressed to our hearts , we said farewell to you . Father recited the confessional prayer . Mother bathed and put on clean clothes , preparing for her death . She then drove me out of the house , saying " Go away from us ! You will survive ! Hide yourself ! Don � t stay with us ! Perhaps you will be able to avenge us and tell of our fate . " So I left our dearest and most treasured forever . A thousand times I cursed the moment when I left . I often wished that I had lain down with them and embraced them , as all the martyrs did before they died . I stayed in a cellar with Valyen Malatchnik for 18 days after the slaughter of the ghetto . I thought of everything , looking for ways to get out . My heart told me that if only I could get out of the ghetto , I would know how to get along . I tried to get Valyen to go along with me . However at that time his wife was also alive and in hiding . Others who were still alive included Bela and Nissl Malatchnick , their daughter Bashele , and Shalom Durtzin with his wife and child . Their families were still intact and I was already an orphan . I would meet them at night and try to convince them to find a way to escape with me . They decided to wait for a miracle and remained there . I began to search for a way out by myself . On the 18th night after the slaughter I groped around in the dark ghetto all the doors , windows , all broken ; all the houses were vacant . When I thought I had stumbled over the dead body of a martyr , my hair shuddered . I had only one thought - life ! life ! How can I get out of here ? At that moment , I encountered another living person . I quickly went over to him . I thought that he was another unfortunate like myself , trying to find a way out . How shocked I was to see a tall gentile standing before me - the biggest thief in Stolin ( he now sits in jail ) and he led me out of the ghetto after I bribed him with my only possession - Father 's pocket watch which he gave me moments before I left him forever . I will not describe my further experiences ; they are not important . I believe that what I have written will give you a more - or - less clear picture of what happened to us . We have with us here from Rubleh , Avraham Shulman , the Levi � s two sons . They are longing for their Aunt Edel Shulman in New York , but they do not have her address . If you can , dear brother , find out her address from the Rubleh people , and let her know about the two boys . Let her write to them at my address |
Yard sales are something Marti and I have always liked . We were at one in particular where I spotted a black fedora hat . I have never owned one . I tried it on and it was a perfect fit . It was just a couple of bucks so I bought it . When we arrived in Reno , it had been snowing and was very cold . While we were walking through the hotel lobby , I told Marti I felt like a gangster , with the hat and big coat . I walked along with her , joking around , saying in a deep hoarse voice , which sounded like it belonged in New York or New Jersey ; " Yeah , I 'm Frankie , anybody gets in the way , I 'll break their arms or their legs . " Marti laughed and while we were there I pretended to be Frankie quite often . It got to the point where I remember saying to her , " You know , I think this is a real guy , a real mobster . But , I don 't know how I can prove it ! " Near the end of our stay , we did a group session at a friend 's house . We knew the husband of one of the couples attending a little bit , but had not met his wife . During the course of the evening , some of the wife 's people on the other side came by to say hello . It was getting late and we were just about to wrap up the session . At that moment , I felt the mobster , whom I thought might be a figment of my imagination , wanting to say something to the couple . I looked around for the hat to put on , but it was in the car . Speaking in the east coast accent , I said ; " By the way , Frankie wants to say goodbye ! " The husband , James just looked at me , very surprised , and said , " I know a Frankie , who talked just like that ! " After that little enlightening encounter , we were walking along the corridor in the hotel to our room . I felt the mobster around me yet again , so I asked him , " Where are you ? Are you in a good place ? What 's going on with you ? " Some years later I was sitting in a tea room in Victorville , California . The place was fairly empty , so Marti and I were relaxing , while sipping our favorite teas . I started talking with the only other person in the room , a lady , and for some reason the connection with Frankie in Reno came up . After telling her about him , she told me that she knew him in prison and that she was his warden . She also informed me that he was known as ' Little Frankie ' and he called her Mom . Our meeting with Betty Hill came about when we were filming an impromptu session with two television producers and a lady who identified herself as " Betty " showed up , along with another man in spirit , who was a well known producer . ( I 'm not sure but his name might have been Victor ) . It turned out he had made a documentary film on Betty Hill about her abduction experience with her husband , Barny . This was an unexpected and pleasant surprise for the producers we were doing the session with , since they knew the producer in spirit quite well . The session was very interesting , for them and for me , as I had long ago read all about Betty and Barny Hill . As our meeting came to an end , we looked at Marti 's pictures . Betty had posed for Marti ! She had captured an excellent likeness of her . But , as we would discover , this was not the end of the connection with Betty . Marti and I left Salem the next morning , and we agreed to visit the abduction site after the convention at Mount Washington . When the event was over , we headed home driving down to the airport via the location the lady had told us about . After a few wrong turns , we finally arrived at the gas station she had referenced on the corner . We pulled up and went inside . The owners of the gas station , a husband and wife , happened to be there and we talked for a bit getting to know them . It turned out they were from England , so I did a bit of catching up . We then told them why we were there and they explained that they , in fact , knew all about Betty . The husband pointed out the spot across the street where the purported abduction happened many years ago . " Now , go look in the restroom , " he said . We did and every wall is covered in things to do with Betty ! Articles mostly , but other things too . Before we left we told them we would send a copy of Marti 's sketch of Betty to put up in the rest room . We said goodbye and left the gas station for the airport , eventually arriving at home . We got busy , and before we could get a copy of Betty to the owner of the gas station , we received an email from them : What was the background to drawing the picture ? I will write a short narrative and put it up . How about this for coincidence , I know you are into those . This week a woman who we had never seen before pulled off the highway for gas and went to the restroom . She stayed in there for ages , came out all flustered . Our friend , Carol sent us the lady that wrote the letter below . Carol knows to say nothing to us about who we are to do a session with . When the lady came into the back room where we conducted private sessions at the Mystic Sisters Bookstore and sat down with us , this is what happened : As soon as we began the session , a very gay man appeared to me and immediately said , " Tom here ! " He continued by saying that he did some sort of acting and dressed up as women . The love I felt from him as he continued to speak to her was incredible . She immediately knew who was speaking to her . It was her dear friend , Charles Pierce . The name Tom was his nickname , shared only between the two of them . She told us later the story . She had once said to Charles , that if his mother had named him Tom , which is a very manly name , he might never become a famous gay female impersonator . After that , he always referred to himself as Tom with her . I was very comfortable with his loving energy , so I allowed him to have more freedom than usual to express himself through me to her . It was tremendous fun and I remember him talking about his weight and how much he liked cake . He laughed , saying , " It 's the cake that killed me , honey ! It 's the cake that killed me ! ! " He was so expressive that we all had to laugh . " Its true , " the lady said , " it was the cake that killed him ! " She spoke of the times when she would try and help him get into the dresses which became harder as he gained weight . " Marti , I and the lady laughed throughout the session as he joked around , and made me do all kinds of crazy , zany things . What a joy it was for me to meet Charles Peirce , and I was slightly sad when the session ended and we parted ways . The love that I feel when beautiful souls connect cannot be fully expressed . I include this letter as it holds many lessons and things to ponder upon . We all have moments in life when we feel a bit silly ; I just had a big one . The short time we spent together that day at the Mystic Sisters was quite remarkable for me . I would go so far as to say it was life altering in a very good way . . . . . . . . . . I was going through a bunch of Mom 's papers and pictures the other day , when the photo which I have attached to the email literally jumped from the pile I was moving into my lap . I had never seen it before and right away I made the connection to the sketch Marti did that day in our session . The sketch has always been a bit frustrating . I felt a strange and close familiarity , yet I could not make the connection . The sketch and the photo are Alice Louise E - - - , my mentor and best friend who died in 2001 . However the photo had to be taken sometime in the 1950 's . I did not meet Louise until we moved to California in 1975 and she really looked much different . However , it is clearly obvious in the features and in retrospect ; I am mystified as to how I could not have known who the sketch was . Jeepers ! Louise was actually one of those there with us that day . I don 't know if you will remember , four foot eleven , red nails and Michael did her famous jig to perfection , hands on hips twist and shout , one foot in the air - she was playing cards and the only thing she fibs about is being over five feet tall . What an absolutely remarkable being . I miss her so very much . I met her in 1975 when she was 65 and she was a prominent part of my life until she died at 91 . Her death was the first in what was to be a fairly long string of events which have not turned out the way I perceived they should ( Ha ! there 's a funny one ) and to which I am still somewhat struggling to accept and assimilate . I cannot believe that I could not identify the sketch immediately , I am sorry . I really do not have any more of an explanation . I have no doubt regarding your authenticity and I have never had any . For me , the possibility of questions was eliminated in the first few minutes of our meeting . There is just no other way for you to have access to that information . No one else ever knew . However in all honesty , Carol had a bit of difficulty getting me into the room in the first place . I have had some very bad previous experiences . It is a very long history , but the compacted version is : I was up on the short leash of a very unscrupulous and rather well known and very expensive psychic in the Los Angeles area . I was sent to her by my first ever psychologist when I think I was a bit too much for the psychologist to deal with comfortably . The dreams , visions and voices that had become problematic to me and which I was not able to shut down any longer were best dealt with she said by being open and honest about them , recording them and yadda yadda . The results were a bit hard to explain and my psychologist suggested that I really needed someone else , a " Spiritual Counselor , " she said . She gave me a referral ; I went because I didn 't really have any idea of anywhere else to take this stuff which I clearly wasn 't dealing with very well . She " tested " me for several hours during our first meeting and from that point on ; we spent a great deal of time together for the next six months . I thought she was my " spiritual teacher " finally being revealed by the Universe and I somehow walked around my concerns and all the red flags by clinging to the belief that anyone who understood what I was talking about and could walk in that world must certainly be of the light . When I actually realized that she was using me and / or " my gifts " to defraud and harm others , I severed the relationship completely , which is a story all its own . Anyway , I instituted the safeguard that I would have nothing to do with anyone whom I perceived to have " the gift " or with anyone who claimed to have " any gift " if that gift was ever associated with the exchange of money . I do not believe that to be always a true indicator , but I had no other plan for how to account for my clear inabilities in discernment when it comes to personnel matters . It is rather ironic and almost comical , for someone who is a " sensitive " and otherwise painfully perceptive and intuitive . Strange at least , if I know someone they become to me the someone they could be and I sometimes miss the " who they are " part . It can be quite problematic , but the truth is , there is a part of me that refuses to give up . I was rather wobbly already at that point and I was going through a very nasty end of the relationship that I believed would be the one I was always in . I had several safe places where I could go to be OK when I had to get away . Mystic Sisters was one of them . Without ever saying a word related to my specific situation , they did not even know the specifics , the safe haven created by Carol , Tina and Rick became a mainstay in my survival kit . That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever or will ever witness , Michael becoming the perfect impersonation of the perfect female impersonator . I do not know if you remember details of that event , Michael , because I 'm not totally sure which of you was in occupation of your body during those moments ? I swear the vocabulary , gestures and even the intonation of the voice was perfect . Not to mention , how in the world would you have known that I knew Charles Peirce and / or that I called him Thomas , at his suggestion ? Not to mention the other informational points , which I cannot think of a way would be otherwise explainable . It is another of those unquestionable confirmation moments , just like the dust mop moment . Anyway , Marti , I bet you remember . You simply have to see the videotape . The Michael moments were the off - screen Thomas , but you can 't miss the movements and well , you just have to see it . . . . . . . . . . . . Oh , and in looking for your information to send you this letter , I came across Michael 's notes . " Rob / Bob ? ? Is on there and I recall not being able to come up with a connection . Duh ! Of course , it is Bob Bearce , Charles ' / Thomas ' lifelong friend who died shortly before him , in 2001 I guess . The years are blurry , but the connection is so clear that again , I cannot believe I missed it . I think I was on total overwhelm about two minutes into our time . Gee Michael if you still have it in you , you should give your buddies at the shop a sample of your " Thomas " . It was so very entertaining . ; - D Carol is someone very special to me and whom I trust . Pretty rare stuff in my case and I don 't even really know how it happened , just that it did . While my judgment has at times been called to question , hers has not and she told me a long time ago that she believed that you two were among the 5 % of those who claimed to tread in the other world that are , in fact , the real thing . You have provided a great deal of comfort and support to her through your work . I am very grateful to you for what you do . I know in my heart why you do it and am overwhelmed by the significance it can have on people 's lives . I have witnessed Carole 's traverse through despair and something close to obliteration and hopelessness in the darkest of moments ; back to a balanced , purpose driven and largely joyful and fulfilling life walk . I have no doubt that she is able to bring hope or joy or compassion to someone 's life each day that she continues to show up , just like she did to mine without even knowing it . I believe that you are part of the reason that is possible . In my case , I have been given a safe place from which to be comfortable enough to again begin moving forward . I am still not exactly sure why I remain here and what it is I am supposed to be doing , but at least I am again walking the path , wide awake should any hints get delivered along the way . Otherwise , it 's pretty much one moment at a time , but I 'm still walking and you also deserve credit from that account . Marti and I were part of a two day Mind Body Spirit event once just north of San Diego , California . It was a quiet Sunday morning . We were sitting at our booth a little bored as there were very few people there yet . A group of teenagers sauntered by our table , with one of the young men straggling along behind . He didn 't look like he even wanted to be there . He was just standing there looking around when Marti noticed an emblem on his tee shirt . " Look at that ! " she said to me , pointing out his shirt . " It looks like the one I drew on the portrait that 's in our book . " We did indeed have a portrait in Marti 's portfolio of a man who was never identified ; we kept the picture in the book because he looked cool . I got the young man 's attention and asked him over to look at the book . I told him he looked bored and he might find this interesting . I flipped through the pages to the picture of the man with the emblem on his shirt . " Look at that , " I said . " He has almost the identical emblem on his shirt as you do ! " He stared at the picture for a moment , and then almost laughingly said , " He looks like my granddad . " He then looked harder at the portrait and became more serious , and slightly confused , exclaimed , " That is my Granddad ! " I didn 't know what to make of this . I asked him again , " Are you serious ? It really looks like him ? " I did remember a few things about this drawing . It had been drawn at the Masonic Temple in Pasadena at a similar event to this one . The man it was drawn for didn 't recognize the picture , so I queried the deceased guy for some information about himself . He talked about martial arts . The guy having the session still didn 't recognize the picture . " My granddad lived in Pasadena all his life - that 's where we all grew up ! When he died we held a garage sale and we sold over 100 Kung Fu and martial arts movies of his . They 're the only movies he watched . I told him that if he had not worn that shirt we wouldn 't have said anything to him . He told us he hadn 't worn the shirt in over a year and didn 't know why he had put it on that day . It was very tight on him and it looked like he was wearing his little brother 's shirt ! He admitted to me that he wasn 't keen to be there and that he was just stringing along with his friends . He then promised to send us a photo of his granddad . But sadly , he never did . Marti and I are pretty certain it was his grandfather . He must have hijacked our session with the guy that sat with us in Pasadena . This is a rather unusual event and does not happen a lot . Marti 's pictures are usually for the person that sits with us . I found the phone number of the guy in Pasadena that the picture was drawn for and asked him if he had kept the tape of his session . He said he hadn 't and didn 't seem to care about this amazing connection when I told him . He sounded very cynical and perhaps that 's why this granddad took over his session , to reach his grandson 2 years later , and over 150 miles away ! A woman sat down with us once holding a figure of a hippie . I made a comment about it , saying I liked it . She let me hold him to look at and I sat him on top of my stack of cassette tapes . I guessed it had some significance , but she said nothing about it and I didn 't ask . Some time into the session , as I was speaking with her father , he starting talking about his condition ( I believe he had cancer ) and how sick he was in hospital and the pain he was in . Then he thanked her for the marijuana joints that she gave him to smoke , as it helped ease his pain toward the end . " That 's true ! I gave him joints to smoke . My dad had never smoked pot in his life , " she told me . If I remember right , it was at that point he made me look at the hippie figure and he said the name Steve . " That 's EXACTLY what my my father said ! " She went on to say that her father never liked hippies , so she got the figure as a joke and sat it next to his hospital bed . She told me that after smoking for a bit he leaned over put the joint in the hippie 's fingers , and said , " That 's Stan the Man ! " My husband insisted he write the testimonial for you , ( remember he was a skeptic - but no more ! ) I have attached the photo of ' Melinda ' at the bottom . Melinda is the first lady on the left hand side _ her expression is EXACTLY the same in the sketch ! When my wife , Dawn , told me that she had made an appointment with Marti and Michael , I thought it would be therapeutic for her and might provide a few chuckles for me . I was pleasantly surprised when we arrived at their cozy , serene little home in the South Bay , especially because I was picturing a corny old stereotype of a ramshackle gypsy fortune teller 's hut . Michael pegged me for a skeptic right away and I said that maybe he would change my mind . Now , there are some people out there that I suppose are pretty good guessers . But when he asked , " Who 's Elizabeth ? " at the beginning of the session , my interest was definitely piqued . My mother - in - law had recently passed away and she always called my wife Dawn Elizabeth . As the session went on , my skepticism was chipped away little by little . Michael kept asking relevant questions , even though he knew nothing about our lives . We established that we were , in fact , being visited by Dawn 's mom , as well as her dad and brother , all of whom passed away within a few years of each other . But there was another visitor that neither of us could place . She said she had died in a car crash and kept showing Michael , San Francisco . This really meant nothing to us . And when we looked at the drawing that Marti had made during the session , that didn 't make sense either . It certainly didn 't look like anyone we knew . I left the session convinced that my assumptions about the universe had been completely wrong , which was actually a nice surprise . We told our friends and family about the session and how interesting it was but the only disappointment was that the sketch made no sense . Dawn sent a copy of it to her sister ; Tina and she really didn 't know who it was either . ( Here comes the " then one day . . . . " part . ) Then , one day , Tina was going through some old photos that her mom had left behind . She found one of her mom Louise , with her aunt Pat and an unidentified third girl . The resemblance to the girl in the sketch was pretty close ! So , without telling her why , she sent the photo to her cousin in New Hampshire and asked her to show it to her mom , Pat . ( By the way Pat was one of the names that came up during our session . ) Pat identified the unknown girl as Melinda and went on to add that she had tragically died in a car crash a long time ago . She had been driving from San Francisco to the Mojave Desert to visit her sister , Louise ! So our little session with a medium that I thought was going to be just for laughs , turned out to be a life - changing experience . I am comforted to know that the loved ones we have lost continue to live on , albeit on an entirely different plane . And now if anyone asks me if I believe in the after - life I 'll be sure to answer , " Absolutely ! " Here are two letters from the same woman about her son and the sessions we had with him from the other side . Just a note : Marti finds drawing children more challenging than adults . Children change so much from day to day and photo to photo . Here is the picture I promised to show you for the book . I found the photograph about one month after the reading . I was looking through my son 's photos in general , and have seen this one many times . It didn 't strike me at first that it matched Marti 's drawing . What caught my eye was something in the picture that I never noticed before . If you look toward the back of the photo on the left side , you see some shoes that kind of glow in the dark . I never noticed that before in the photo . Those shoes that are glowing belonged to Kobe 's grandpa . They were very close , as a matter of fact , Kobe was the first and only grandchild to them , ( they never thought they would see the day they had a grandchild ) . My son , Kobe , absolutely adored shoes , any kind of shoes , whether they belonged to him or not , he loved shoes ! ! ! I find it strange yet interesting that the photo , that I have seen many times , didn 't click as to knowing that this was the photo that matched the drawing exactly , that is until I saw the glowing shoes . I think it was Kobe 's way of getting my attention . Look at the photo and drawing and you will notice the same shirt ( one of his favorites ) and the pose are identical , so is the demeanor . Even though it does not have his exact likeness , ( he is part Asian , part Caucasian ) it does reflect his exact spirit . I can see it in his eyes , and I am convinced it is him . Thank you for bringing my precious son back to me in the reading . I love him with all my heart , and it meant so much to me to have this drawing capture him . Hello again this is Mellinda ( Kobe 's mom ) . My daughter and husband were with me at my last reading with you about 2 - 3 months ago . Michael asked me during the reading if I knew a person by the name of Joan . I told him my next door neighbor was Joan . Kobe passed away before ever meeting her . Well , she passed away last week , and as I was driving to the funeral I remembered that part of the reading . Can he also see into the future as far as who is about to pass away ? I was kind of tripping out over the irony of that situation . The last thing I wanted to tell you , that is questionable yet amazing . . . . the reading we had with you two readings ago , Kobe mentioned there would be another baby for us this year . I remember thinking that if I was not pregnant by Feb - March , that Kobe was wrong . Well listen to this . . . . . Easter morning I was missing Kobe and crying a lot so I decided to go buy a paper and read it . While reading the paper I looked at the job classified section ( I was a striking grocery worker ) and I saw an ad to become a foster parent . . . . . ( wait it gets better ) . I got onto the web site to look into being a foster parent and I saw links for international adoption and began to check it out . ( Ever since I was young I wanted to adopt a child from a poor country and give them a better life in the U . S . ) That dream was buried and forgotten until about one month before Kobe got ill and passed away . A friend was telling me about his sister 's adoption adventure with her new daughter from China . . . . . I remember thinking , I wish I could do that but . . . . . can 't do it now because of already having two children and a mortgage and so forth . I checked out the website for adoption and looked through hundreds of available children . But one boy grabbed my heart and hasn 't given it back since . His name is Earisil from the country of Kazakhstan , and we are now in the process of adopting HIM . If all goes well he will be home for Christmas with his new family . Other strange facts about this are : when I called to find out about him , he is 1 / 2 Asian & 1 / 2 Caucasian , just like my husband and myself . His birthday is one day before Kobe 's and by the time we bring him home he will be close to Kobe 's age around the time he passed away . I just wanted to let you both know that I enjoy your readings / pictures and hold them close to my heart . I speak of the readings often to many people hoping it will help others as it has helped me My personal story with Michael and Marti was when I attended a group session one night at a new age store called The Path . I hadn 't met either one of them before , so we definitely didn 't know anything about each other . Michael turned to me during the session and said there was a father figure in spirit standing next to me holding his hands over his lung area , which was black , indicating a lung disease of some kind , ( my father died of T . B . ) . Then to top it off , he sad this man 's name is David , ( my father 's name was David ) . Then twenty minutes later he turned to me again and said a tall nun in an old - fashioned habit was standing next to me smiling down at me . She told Michael she wanted forgiveness for cruelty she had done to me as a child . When I was four years old I was in a convent in England . There was a nun who was very nasty to me all the time . Michael said she called me Claire , ( my name used to be Janet Claire ! ) Michael was correct in both cases and gave me a sense of my father , since he died when I was two years old and I never knew him . Also , I felt the closure of a painful period in my in my young life with the nuns , something that I felt was very important for me I have a step daughter who was very close to me when she was growing up . I had not seen her in 14 years . She is now 34 . My ex - husband and I raised her from the age of 15 - 18 . I 've known her since she was ten . She is a delightful girl and now a delightful young woman . She called me out of the blue two months ago from Florida where she lives . We enjoyed each other 's conversations , as always , but seemed our talks would drift to the subject of the ' other side ' . Tania , my stepdaughter , always knew that I was very open to such things . During our wonderful reunion , Tania revealed to me that she was having unhappy times in her life . She told me that she cried a lot . I offered her my love and understanding . I did all a step - mother could do from such a large distance away . She had no brothers or sisters except my children , who were in California , and had also lost touch with her Shortly after one of our most intimate talks on the phone , I went to see you and Michael on November 7th 2003 . . . My brother 's birthday . ( He died February 7th , 2000 . ) I received a wonderful reading , but at the end of the reading Michael brought a sketch of a woman to me that you had draw during the session . He said , " The name is Oliver , Ollie ? " I took one look at the picture and knew it was Otillie Hannon , my ex - husband 's mother , Tania 's grandmother . She sent no message with Michael ; it seems she simply posed for the picture . The next morning I called Tania and told her to give your office a few days to post the picture on the website and then to log on to www . spiritart . com so she could see Grandma Otillie for herself . When she did this , she just wanted to cry . Later , she sent me the picture attached to send to you so we could claim her . The interesting thing about the attached picture is that Tania 's grandmother is holding her , and in this time in her life , Tania needed to be held by her grandmother . She needed to find the old picture to understand her message . A picture is worth a thousand words . More than any words Grandma Otillie could have ever said during the session . Tania now believes that Granmom is still holding her even from the other side . I have been feeling very alone lately and I asked for anyone that was watching over me to let me know that I m not alone . I guess this is all the proof I need . Thank you Tania I was not sure whether to make this story public , but I have decided to post it out of a desire to get people to take our work more seriously . I ran this story by the below mentioned FBI agent and his wife before publishing it . Our thanks to them for their help . A married couple came to our home for a private meeting , and unbeknown to me they had come primarily hoping to connect with their child who had died very young , which I 'm glad to say happened and I believe brought comfort to them . Later on during the session , one of the things I asked the people in spirit was , " What does this guy do for a living ? " " He 's like a cop , " they said . Marti drew a portrait of an Asian man . I joked that it didn 't look like any of his relatives , ( they were both Caucasian ) . I also said he was connected to his work , that he knew him and that he had been in prison , where he eventually died There was also information given in their private session , about a living person called Bob , who I was told would soon pass over , and did in fact cross a few weeks later Then some weeks later . . . . . . on Tuesday , April 26th , 2011 . Marti and I were doing a phone session with a lady , when FDR , Jack and Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King appeared to me . I was not too surprised , as I had spoken with them all , except Dr . King , on other occasions . I asked them why they were all in front of me and they told me that there would be an assassination to do with President Obama . " When ? " I asked . " Very soon , about a week , " they responded . I was somewhat taken aback , but I took what they said seriously . When the session ended , I thought , " I can 't just sit here and do nothing ! " I thought hard , trying to think of someone I could tell this to whom would not only believe me , but who might be able to do something about it . A man came to mind , the FBI agent that had recently come to see us with his wife . I knew he was a skeptic to begin with , but apparently not any more , according to his wife . I found their phone number and called them . I explained why I was calling them and he agreed to do a phone session with me the next day , Wednesday , April 27th . I wanted to see if I could get an exact time , date , and place , etc . One thing I will also include from our phone session was that the location for the assassination seemed to take place in what at first I thought was a hotel . I was looking on Google Earth while we were speaking and what I never voiced , but was thinking , was that the President 's bodyguards would have him staying in a small private residence with a high wall around it . I even looked at some large private residences . I gave up after a while and I now know why . I was looking in entirely the wrong location on the map , which was due to a misunderstanding on my part . My name is John Bishop , my wife Marsha , sister Margo , and I met you at your friend 's trailer house in Phoenix this last may . If you 'll remember , my wife had met you before in CA . With a different sister , and was wanting to contact her mother , I was just along for support . Some time after the reading began we all realized that I was there for other reasons as well , I 'm the guy that was in the motorcycle wreck 18 yrs ago that killed a young boy pedestrian . You thought the name of the person was Dan or Daniel that was trying to come through , and later I realized it must be Don , Donald was his full name . I believe you 'll remember this , being it was just this may , and also how emotional ( hard ) it was for me to bring it all back up again . At the end of the reading , you gave me two messages from don , asking me to contact his mother again , and tell her he was fine and that he loved her , and to put this behind me once and for all . Those messages are why I 'm writing tonight . This happened in Colorado Springs back in 1985 . I moved to Phoenix not long after the wreck , and about 8 years ago called Don 's mother . I had wanted to do this for years , but had signed agreements with the insurance company stating that I would never contact them . As the phone call ended , she asked that the next time I was back in the Springs , to please call here so that we could meet face to face . I told her I would , but never found the courage to do that the two times I have been back since . The message you gave me from Don , reminded me that this is something that was long over due , and as it happens I was going to be there this month . I did go up there about five weeks ago , planning on calling her . I put it off and put it off , and let the clock run out on time without ever calling her . On my way out of town , I got hurt in a freak accident , had to leave all my stuff there and fly home for emergency surgery . This of course meant that I had to go back and get the stuff , giving me more time . I still put it off till the last minute , but the day before I left I called and left a message on a machine that I was in town and would meet with her if she still wanted to . The story takes on yet another twist . After hearing nothing all day long , I said to myself I called , I tied , now I can go home . A little after six PM , My cell phone rang . It was Don 's dad whom I had never spoken to , calling to say his wife had died over a year ago . I had heard from his wife as well as other outsiders that he had a major problem with me , and that us talking might be very difficult . My heart fell again , realizing that I had promised to meet his wife , had been home two different times , and now lost my chance to keep my promise . I told him of meeting you , and the message from Don to get in touch with his mother and send his love . Honestly , at this point I was angry . I had never really believed in this type of thing prior to meeting you , and at this point was wondering why I was asked to contact someone that was already passed . I shared this with him as it was racing through my mind , and now the story takes yet another twist again . He said that he would like to meet me , and would I be willing to meet him at the grave site right now . I agreed , dropped what I was doing and drove there to meet him . We spent an hour or so talking , sharing stories , and just getting to know each other . It was the most healing thing I have ever done with regard to this piece of my past . As we were about to part ways , he said he had been thinking of Don 's message on the drive over , and this is what he thought . He said you had been close in the name Dan not Don , and maybe you had gotten the message wrong , tell dad I 'm fine and that I love him , not his mom . He seemed to really believe that the message was for him , and seamed to get a great deal of comfort from it as well . We parted more than friends I feel , and for me , I think that finally I may be able to close the book on this part of my past . He asked if we could stay in touch , and I said yes . I have a different read on Don 's message now . I think he knew how worried about meeting his father I was . I think he knew that I would not follow through with his wish if he asked that I meet his dad . I think for my own good he tricked me , knowing that if the two of us could just meet , it would all work out for the best , and I feel without a doubt that it has done just that . You never know when a message is going to change your life . It may not be immediate , it may not be in a months time , for me it happened almost a year later . So I will begin . . . . . . I met Michael and Marti at the Spokane Expo 2002 . I was a vendor selling goods , and on one of my breaks I had come by to see all the other vendors and Readers and came upon Michael and Marti . I had seen what they were doing , and watched and listened and felt like if I wanted a reading from anyone here , this is where I would go . So I signed up to be the last person of the night . Everything Michael said was so accurate . Names , dates , the way he died . . . everything . Then there was the drawing of my father ( who had passed ) that Marti drew . . . Incredible ! David , David , David . . . . He keeps saying David , " do you know anyone named David ? " at the time it was just a family name that we all liked . Well it was more than that . A year later . . . . . . I get an Email from someone trying to locate me and my family , and especially my brother who had passed . It seems as though my brother in his high school days ( 1973 ) had gotten a girl pregnant , and the baby was born at only 23 weeks and maneged to survive a botched up abortion . I know Incredible ! the secret was out when this boy reached 12 yrs old , and now him being married with children , was trying to locate a father who had passed - and you guessed it , his name is " David ! " So I had the unpleasantness of sharing the news to a nephew that I had never met , about the passing of his father , and helping a human being put closure to a life long search for a family he spent years trying to find . So many lives have been blessed and touched , and our lives will never be the same . So listen to your tapes and be patient , you may get the surprise of your life . Spread the word and have people come to see Michael and Marti to have a reading done , the messages are sooo worth it ! God bless you both In the fall of 2002 , I had a " reading , " with Michael and Marti at my friends house . During the Reading , Michael asked me " if my toaster had just died ? " He said that my Grandmother , who was coming through , was telling him that this had just happened . I Could Not Believe that he was mentioning this to me . In fact my toaster had just " died , " a week before . It did not catch fire but merely just stopped ! It had been on my mind , I was bothered by it . The toaster had been a wedding gift , and would not be inexpensive to replace . It would cost $ 49 . 99 to purchase the exact model . In the interim I had purchased a inexpensive replacement that was by all accounts , horrible . A few days later I drove into the parking lot at work . I decided , ( who knows why , ) to park in a different location than I normally did . As I opened the door and stepped down , there was a $ 50 dollar bill under my foot ! ! No one was Anywhere near me , no cars , no people ! I know that my grandmother sent the money to me to replace that toaster . . . . . . . she even got the price right ! I have been walking in a numbing fog since the death of my husband , Alan . . . my life partner of nearly forty years , and spectacular father to our daughter , Samara , for Thirty six of those years . Just how does one deal with the profoundly deep level of pain and shock that this traumatic event brings , when each day together had been better than the last ? How do you go on when his Yang no longer balances your Yin , your tick no longer hears his tock and every " lub " of your heart desperately seeks his " dub ? " How do you go on when each new day means waking up to the same nightmare ? I have listened ( though sometimes not to well ) to my Guides on the Other Side for almost as long as I can remember . I was formally " introduced " to them during a session back east with a medium who channeled several , so it was not that unusual for me to recognize that someone wanted my attention ! Over the years I had gone into the local New Age shop the ( Mystic Sisters in Monrovia , California ) a few times , but this was different . . . I was drawn to not only the shop , but to the rack displaying the events they were hosting . . . three times . And each time I picked up the same flyer . . . and only that flyer . It described what appeared to be a book discussion led by Michael and Marti ( we later learned this was the only way it could be advertised in this town ) . I could not imagine why I was being led to this flyer , but the third attempt worked and I finally said to those voices in my head , " fine , if I sign up will you stop bugging me ? ! " I called my daughter and told her to mark the date on her calender as I 'd made reservations for both of us . . . she agreed , but thought it was a very strange thing to do . . . neither of us had read the " book " ( there isn 't one yet ! ) mentioned and did not have any desire to sit through the discussion ! Nonetheless , the night came and went . . . not having any idea of what was to unfold . And what unfolded was nothing short of the most amazing , most perfectly wonderful evening possible . . . under these circumstances . Alan , always the loving clown , came through immediately and conveyed such strong , specific evidential messages for over an hour that there could be absolutely no doubt that it was he who was speaking . For both my daughter and for me , having confirmation of this continuation of being and the unbroken chain of love between this side and the other has allowed us to hold on , to gather strength and to get through our days . And although the loss of the physical remains terribly difficult to deal with , knowing ( not just believing , but knowing ) that we remain connected . . . that he is still here , makes all the difference . What a gift . Two months later Michael and Marti returned to the same shop in Monrovia . This time we eagerly signed up and brought several friends , one of whom had lost her baby daughter to SIDS . This evening the first spirit through was our friends daughter , followed by many others who reassured those left behind that life truly does go on when we leave the physical plane , and that they are still connected to us , though a thin Vail blocks our view . Although I felt Alan 's presence in the room that evening , he did not speak directly to Michael . . . but he did to Marti ! ! When Michael held up one of Marti 's drawings , he was directed to the area we were sitting . The portrait was of a man , and separately drawn near the portrait was a closed hand . Michael continued to explain that there were actually two men talking to him about the picture , one of whom was a pilot in the Second World War whose name began with an " A . " My husbands father , Aaron was a WWII pilot , but the portrait did not look like Aaron . The other man speaking to Michael , George , was the main subject of Marti 's portrait . George was my father , who I did not recognize at first without his glasses . . . but whose hand ? The picture still did not make sense as we initially thought the hand was connected to the face , so Samara asked . Marti 's response was , " No , it is definitely not connected to the person she 'd drawn . " Now the picture made perfect sense - the hand belonged to Alan ! At the mortuary , after Alan crossed over , we made plaster casts of his hands . . . needing to be able to hold them forever . The picture that Marti drew was one of the plaster casts . . . down to the small notch in his index finger from a table saw accident many years prior ! Michael said that Alan " stuck his hand into the picture at the last minute " to make sure we knew he was there , even though he left the speaking to others on this evening ! Since then we have had a number of private sessions , where even more deeper levels of connection and understanding have unfolded , and other group sessions . . . with more drawings and messages of love . Samara and I have also had many pieces of physical evidence provided to us . . . gifts that only Alan would know to leave in our paths . . . gifts that have been confirmed by messages conveyed through Michael and by Marti 's remarkable drawings . Our own bond and ability to communicate directly with the other side grows stronger each day as we learn to listen more carefully and watch for physical evidence . It is truly an amazing experience when you step into this place where the only thing you can believe is what once was the unbelievable . . . Posted by The woman started laughing . " He never had hair , as long as I knew him . He died when I was twelve years old and at his funeral my two cousins and I were sent up to the coffin to say our last goodbyes . We were surprised to see he had a wig on . We all thought it looked so funny we began trying to blow it off ! We were laughing hysterically and tears were streaming down our faces . Our parents , thinking we were upset and crying , came up to get us ! We understood then why Marti had such difficulty with the hair and drew him laughing . I told the lady that her uncle was at the funeral and saw the whole thing . He thought it was the funniest thing he 'd ever seen ! Years ago , on a lazy Sunday afternoon , sitting in the lobby of the Masonic Temple in Lomita , California , a middle - aged Hispanic guy comes in and sits down across from me . In the small cozy room , he says nothing . Time passed , so I broke the silence . " Hi ! Are you waiting to see Doris ? " I asked him . ( Doris was the head of the small church that we were part of which sponsored the bi - weekly psychic fair that we were participating in . ) I could feel myself choking with emotion . " You know he 's a big , gentle giant of a man . He wouldn 't hurt a fly ! " A nice woman that we had seen a couple of times before came to see us for another session . She looked to be in her mid fifties , intelligent , well dressed , and carrying her small dog in her handbag , his cute little face poking out . The lady 's husband was deceased and I had spoken with him before . I felt that her husband was present in the room , so we got started . He spoke to her for a while , then revealed why he had taken his own life . I knew he had done this , but he hadn 't explained why during previous sessions . This had remained a big question for her and was finally answered . As her husband continued speaking to her , I noticed the lady 's mother and father in the room as well , who to the best of my recollection , I had never spoken with . There was also another man present in a German uniform , but I said nothing about him , a little unsure who he was . That 's when I said . " They are saying something about someone being nearly hung ! " She didn 't respond . A bit perplexed , I asked ? " Do you understand this ? " I still didn 't understand , so I gently asked , " Would you explain it to me ? " She looked at me . " I was nearly hung ! " she replied , pausing for a moment then continuing . " I was in a concentration camp for about two years . I was about five years old . One day I was in a line with other children , and they were hanging us one at a time . It got to my turn and I said to the German officer : ' If you were to hang me from a skinny branch on that tree over there , it would probably break and I 'd fall to the ground and I 'd be alright , and you 'd be alright too , because no one could blame you because the tree broke , so we 'd both be alright ! ' He looked down at me and said , ' Get out of here ! ' I did . " I was almost speechless . Now I knew who had said that to me . I struggled emotionally for a few minutes unsure whether to tell her that the German officer was present . When I finally I told her , she erupted in anger , all her pain welling up . " I hope he rots in hell ! " she yelled , unable to understand why he was present . " They killed my entire family , everyone ! " I was , myself , feeling intense emotion , so I let myself be guided . " You know , I can 't even imagine what you have been through , " I said . " All I can tell you is that he is going around trying to make amends for the things he did . " Needless to say this was very intense . I took a deep breath as spirit tried another approach . " You know , in a strange way he saved your life , as well as whomever it was that put it in your head to say what you said to him . " I don 't remember if she responded . I knew the spirit people were trying to get her to let go of her anger . After awhile , I told her that her mother was present . But how could I prove it ? That was tough , because she was so small when they were separated . I asked " Is there anything you know about your mother that she could say to you to let you know that it 's her ? " She thought for a few moments . " Yes , ask my mother if the name I have now was given to me by the woman that raised me or by her . " A long time after our last meeting with her we were holding a group session at the same location . Marti drew a portrait of a lady . When I looked at it , I recognized her as our client who had been in the concentration camp . Marti looked at the picture and agreed with me . We had the thought that she might have die . So the next day I found her number and gave her a call . I got hold of her . Relieve she was alive , we explained the picture and that we were wondering if she was alright . She informed me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer . I told her I believed the portrait was drawn by her unseen family , who were aware of her situation . " Oh well , if I die , I will be with my husband ! " she stated , almost sounding resolved to it . We talked some more . She sounded different to Marti and me ; lighter somehow . We said our goodbyes and wished her well . We have not seen her since . If she has crossed over , I know she is reunited with her family . Our first encounter was , as usual , completely unexpected . We had arrived one evening for our group event at a place in Fullerton , California , where we had previously held a number of group events with small audiences . The groups were usually somewhere about fifteen to twenty people , but that night , as people began arriving I had to keep getting more and more chairs out . I commented to Marti , " This is weird ! Something special must be going to happen . " We ended up with thirty - six - a lot for that location back then . The evening went very well . It was getting late and I saw a spirit standing next to a man in the front row . I thought it was his father . I felt a man connect with me and as I looked down at myself I was dressed as a cowboy ! I assumed this was the man 's father , standing in me ! Looking down at the cowboy boots on my feet I said , " Your father wears cowboy boots ? " " Um , well , sometimes , " replied the man . Feeling a hat on my head , I asked , " He wears a cowboy hat ? " No , not really . He might have on a few occasions , " was the reply . I said a couple more things that he didn 't seem to understand and my frustration meter was going way up . I knew I was right with what I was getting , but it wasn 't making any sense to him . It was at that point that John Wayne stood behind him , but I was hesitant to say he was standing there . How could I prove that ! So I said , " Well , your dad likes John Wayne , doesn 't he ! ? " But things still weren 't jelling for me . Marti knew how exasperated I really was and piped in , " Maybe he met him over there . " The man liked that idea . It was at that point that I decided - what the heck ! So I just told everyone that John Wayne was standing right back of him , not caring whether anyone believed me or not . " Well he must have , because John Wayne is standing right there ! " I said motioning to where he stood , not expecting anyone at all to personally know him . There were two women sitting behind the man that I had been addressing and one began digging the other with her elbow , and poking her until she finally raised her hand and said : " John Wayne is my uncle ! " You can just imagine the thoughts that went through my mind ! All I can remember of the conversation between John and his neice is one thing . John mentioned a special picture of himself that they had . He made me strike a pose holding a rifle . " It 's like this , " I said . " That 's the picture which hangs above the fireplace in the family room , " she replied . I know I said more to her , but I can 't recall because it was years ago . As Marti and I were driving home , we discussed the night and a lot of things suddenly fell into place . During the evening , a spirit called " Duke " wanted to be heard and someone claimed him , also there was a Texas Ranger - same thing , someone claimed him . There was a bomber commander , a squadron leader and everything fit for the different people that were receiving messages . But , to us upon reflection , even though these other spirits were real , it was almost like they were characters from John Wayne movies ! Kind of like John was making cameo appearances . Incredulously , I asked , " Seriously ? " " Yeah , she died a couple of months ago , " he said . Now I knew who Rose was ! Because this was the same Rose who we had met at a spiritualist center and had tested our abilities to see if we were real . This was the first I 'd heard of her death or her connection with John Wayne . The last time we talked with her she was not in good health , but she told us she would try to help us . I thought that was sweet of her , but didn 't see how she could really do much . A word about Rose : we didn 't know her personally , we met her when we decided to share our abilities with a spiritualist community and they wanted Rose to check us out before we could work there . When we met Rose , we went in , sat down and did our thing . She said nothing the whole time . I described a man who called himself Albert , who didn 't say a great deal , but did go on about " hedge " . " Well , is that it ? " she asked , in a very abrupt manner . " That 's all I get from him , " I said . Marti then handed her the portrait she had drawn . She looked at it , and said , matter of factly , " That 's Albert . He was my next door neighbor . When I was about six years old , Albert trimmed the hedges into a castle for me to play in . Rose must have been in her seventies , when we met her . When we were done she just picked up the phone , called someone on the other end of the line , and said : " Better than average . Put them to work ! " Another time I met John Wayne was at our home . A mother and daughter came to see us . Half way through their session , a man appeared to me . I asked him his name ? " I go by Wayne , " he replied . I squinted , looking harder at the spirit man and asked , " Are you John Wayne ? Is that you ? " " Yeah , it 's me , " he replied . " Wow ! " I said aloud . " It 's John Wayne . Do you know him ? " " Then what 's so funny ? " I asked . " My son wouldn 't come with us today . He 's a big skeptic . He went on and on about how you were a couple of scam artists doing cold readings . I didn 't listen to him , but as we left our house he exclaimed , " Oh yeah ! Well , if they 're the real deal , John Wayne will show up ! " We held a group session at Santa Barbara , California . One of Marti 's pictures drawn was of a Hispanic man . When I showed the picture to the audience , no one recognized him . I asked the spirit for evidence of who he was . I felt him present and he began speaking to me , telling me he was killed by a large semi truck , which had crossed a four lane highway , struck a car and killed him . Almost all the people in the room began to realize who he might be . They remembered an accident over a year earlier involving a truck , hauling two trailers full of gravel which after losing its brakes and crossing a four lane highway , plowed into a house at the back of a motel . It killed a man , his wife and son in the house . The truck driver survived . No one in the room knew what the man who died looked like , so it was impossible to say if he was the man in the picture I was holding . The next day , our friend Linda , who had been at the meeting , went to the motel hoping to find the owner . Luckily , the assistant manager was there . She spoke with him about the accident and the man that had died . He told her he knew the man who was killed so then our friend produced the portrait Marti had drawn . Without hesitation , he immediately responded , " That 's him ! " The name of the man that was killed was Leon Leonel . They talked some more . He told her he would have died too , if the truck had not swerved the way it did . Then he took her back to where the house used to be and showed her where the body of Leon and the young boy were found . Linda noticed that , strangely , a tall weed was growing in the spot where Leon died . Another plant marked the spot where the boy had died along with his mother . The rest of the land was barren . Oddly , we had driven right past the motel to get to the house where the meeting was held . Marti told me she remembered looking at the name for some reason : Hope Motel . It is my hope that Leon succeeds in reaching out to those affected by this tragedy . I did feel that he had forgiveness for the driver of the truck . I thought I might share the letter below that I just received from a good friend . It pertains to some cold cases and interesting investigations we did in another state . When we were there , it was very hot and muggy outside . His Friends were present , Barry was one of them . His deceased father turned up and said he would help us with our investigations . He brought up an event which u likely have forgotten about . One of those " Did I ever tell u ? " moments followed by my saying , " No you never did . " Barry 's wife is on rare occasions visited by spirits that she says look at her but never talk to her . This she says happens late at night and she never has been sure if she is dreaming or it is a real visit . Barry said his wife woke him up one night some days after u guys had returned home and told him that a little boy spirit had visited her and had actually said something to her . Barry told me that he can remember exactly what she said the spirit boy had told her . It was , " When u meet my aunt , tell her to tell my parents that I am fine and to not worry about me . " |
" I 'm sure the little house they have in the back will suit you just fine . " She stopped and opened the locker with the name Sammy Pines RN on it . " I do have to warn you though . My family is a bit on the weird side , " Sandy said as she grabbed a gray flannel jacket . Sydney brushed a stray of black hair out of her eyes . " They can 't be that bad . You seem to be okay , " she said with a smirk . Sammy turned and gave the newest emergency room doctor a great big smile . " Thank you , but I do have my moments . Like at my wedding , I decided that it was way too hot to wear my dress so I took it off . " " What problem ? My entire family thought it was a great idea and they stripped down to their underwear too . The poor priest nearly had a heart attack when he saw my mother running around in her push up bra and silk panties . " Sammy giggled as she jumped into the cab of the truck and opened the passenger door for the doctor . " How come I have a feeling that my life is going to get really strange ? " Sydney asked when she sat next to the curly hair woman . " Well , let 's go meet the family . " " You have no clue as to what you are getting into , but your life is about to change . For the good I promise , " Sammy replied when she started the truck . " Do you want to go and get your stuff from your hotel room ? " " Of course I 'm sure , " Sammy replied back . " I heard you talking to one of the other doctors yesterday . I called my Mom to make sure it was okay for you to come look at the place tonight . " " Come on , Dell , we can leave this paper work until tomorrow . I promised Sammy that I wouldn 't be late for Mom and Dad 's party ! " Marcus yelled at his partner . " You know I love Kitty . Shit , she is like a mother to me , but I 'm tired of her always trying to set me up with her friends daughters . " She stopped and grabbed her phone messages from the police officer behind the front desk . " Thanks , Twiggy . " " You better watch it . I might tell Skip that you 've been offering me something that is supposed to be totally his . " Dell threatened with a smirk . Marcus walked up and put his hand on Dell 's shoulder . " She just hates to see one of her kids lonely . You should know that by know . " " I 'm not lonely . I have my job and all of you in my life . What else does a girl need ? " Dell asked her partner . She loved this guy like a brother . People thought it was funny because they were total opposites . Where she stood at 5 ' 6 ″ he stood 6 ' 3 ″ . Dell had short messy blonde hair and Marcus 's was as black as coal . His eyes were a golden brown with laugh lines around them . Dell 's eyes matched the brightest emeralds ever found . " How about someone to share your life with ? Someone to come home to at the end of the day ? " Marcus quickly raised his hand . " I 'm talking about the human kind not the four legged with fur kind . " " My life is too messed up right now to have a relationship . " Dell said as she poured herself some coffee and took a drink . Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head when the putrid liquid hit her tongue . Dell spit out and tossed the cup in the garage can near the table . " Fuck , that was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted . When was the last time anyone made a new pot ? " " Pay backs are such a bitch , my friend , " Dell threatened . " Come on , let 's get going . I want to take a shower before we go to the McGregor 's . " The two detectives walked out into the sunny afternoon and they both reached into their pockets for their sunglasses . " Damn , it 's bright out , " Marcus said as he went around to open the driver side door of the light brown undercover cop car . " You just want me to drop you off at your house or do you want me to wait ? " Dell got in the hot car and quickly checked to make sure that the air was on all the way . " Just drop me off . I 'll drive up myself . That way I can leave if Kitty has too many friends she wants me to meet . " Marcus just laughed as he pulled onto the street . " I never would 've met Sammy if Kitty wasn 't so persistent . " He adjusted the air floe of the air conditioner . " Now I can 't thank her enough . Sammy is my whole life . " He smiled thinking of his wife . " Don 't get too mushy , please , " Dell said with a giggle . She knew how much Marcus loved his wife and in a way she was jealous . " I 'm happy for you , my friend . " Marcus stopped at the red light and looked at his friend . He knew that she was lonely and could tell that she wished thing were different . He also knew that she was scared of giving her heart away " Thanks , I just wish you would find someone . " Please , no more talk of how lonely I am . I get the picture , but love hit me once and I never want to go through that again , " Dell stated in a whisper . " Let 's just leave all the mushy love stuff to you and Sammy . You two have enough for everybody . " Marcus saw the lost look in Dell 's eyes . So he agreed to drop the subject for know . He pulled up to a small ranch style house . " I 'll see you tonight . Don 't be late . You know how Kitty hates that . " " Trust me , I know . I remember the last time I was , what half and hour late , and she made me do all the dishes . " Dell laughed when she got out of the car . " I had dish pan hands for a week . " She set the ladder so it would lay against the house and not fall when she climbed up it . As she climbed she noticed that the white paint that covered the house was chipping . " Great , like I don 't have enough crap to do already . " When she finally got up on the roof and found today 's paper , Dell stood and took in the view . It was like most neighborhoods . Kids ran from one yard to the next trying to catch each other . She watched as fathers and mothers pull up after working hard all - day and ready to put in more hours at home . She stood there for a few minutes and continued to gaze across the horizon . Than she looked at her watch and noticed the time . " Shit , I better get my ass in gear . " She quickly got down off the roof and went inside to get ready for the party . Sydney walked around the little red brick house that she had agreed to rent . It wasn 't much , one bedroom , one bathroom and regular sized kitchen . The selling point and absolutely the best part about the whole thing was when she walked out the back door it opened up into a big meadow . Sydney took a deep breath and the smell of nature filled up her senses . The birds chirped and dogs barked . Another sound invaded the tranquil moment and she turned around to see an older man with gray hair fighting with a big drum of some sort . When the task was finished the man swiped the sweet from his big brown eyes . " Thanks for the help . I thought for sure I would have dropped the damn thing . " " It did look kind of awkward . Glad I could help . My name is Sydney Kent . I 'm going to be your neighbor . " Sydney replied and shook the man 's hand . " Where in the hell are my manners ? I 'm John McGregor and you met my wife earlier . She told me that Sammy brought someone new home , " John said as he sat on a folding chair and took a deep breath . " That would be me . It 's going to be quite a different change from what I 'm used to . But it 's what I 've been looking for , " Sydney informed the older man with kind brown eyes . " Good , I 'm glad it will suit you . " John stood up and shook her hand once more before he walked off . Before he got a few yards away he turned . " We 're having a party tonight . You 're more than welcome to come over , " he said . Dell pulled her motorcycle into the already packed driveway . She carefully maneuvered it so it was parked between the garage door and the Captain 's car . Dell glanced up when she heard her named being yelled at from the front door . It was well known that Sammy had married the most eligible and best - looking cop on the force . Where Sammy was short with curly brown hair and Marcus stood over six - foot tall with thick black hair . They both had brown eyes . What set them apart from anybody else was the way they treated people . It could be a homeless person that hadn 't had a bath in weeks or it could be the richest person in the world . They were all the same in their eyes . Dell was very happy to call them her family . With a big smile she grabbed Sammy and they walked into the house . " Let 's go find that crazy husband of yours . " As soon as they walked in Dell heard her name being called from the kitchen . " Please tell me that there isn 't too many of your mother 's friends ' daughters here ? " Dell asked Sammy . " I think there might be one or two , " Sammy grinned . She knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of her mother match making schemes . " You should give some of those girls a chance . They seem nice . " " I know , Dell . You told me what happened and I don 't blame you . But can you continue to live your life all alone ? Life 's not meant to be watched from the sidelines . You have to get back into it and live , " Sammy stated as she watched the painful memories dance across Dell 's face . " My heart isn 't mine to give . It will always belong to someone else . They might not have wanted it but she still got it . " Dell let go of Sammy 's hand and started for the back yard . She wanted to grab a beer and forget the past . Dell had been the one to find the bodies . She herself was injured when the killer came up behind her and stabbed her in the back . It took weeks of rehabilitation for Dell to be able to stand and then walk . The muscles of her back were torn to shreds and she came close to never walking again . The only signs now were the scars that ran down her back . Sammy was brought back when she felt her Mom come up to her and asked a question . " Where is Dell at , honey ? I thought I saw her standing here with you . " " Thanks , Mom , I really appreciate it and I know Dell will too . " Sammy smiled up at her mom . She noticed that the brown hair that she used to play with had gray sneaking in and wrinkles formed around laughing brown eyes . " When it 's her time to find love she will . Even if it has to smack her in the head a few good times . " " You 're right . Let 's go and see our new doctor . " Kitty grabbed Sammy . " Do you have any information ? You know just the usual , tall , short , blonde , or red head , male or female . " Kitty stopped and looked around until she saw the person she was looking for . " Oh , there she is . Lets go and see if she 's having a good time . " Dell sat on a broken bench under the big pine tree in the back yard . She watched the party continue without her . She loved the McGregor family with all her heart . They reminded her so much of her family that at times if she closed her eyes it was as if her family wasn 't ripped from her life . It would only last for a few minutes though . Than the images would flood back in and set her straight . Images of her mom lying in a pool of her own blood by the front door , her dad sitting in his favorite chair with a knife sticking out of his chest , and the worse was her sister spread eagle on the dining room table naked and raped . Then the pain of having her back ripped by the same knife that killed her mom and sister . The sound it made as it shredded skin and muscle . The smell of her own blood as it filled her senses as she collapsed with the sound of Adam Jackson 's voice whispering in her ear , " I won , you lost . " " It 's all right , Grace . I was just sitting here thinking , " Dell replied and moved over to let the woman sit . Being careful that she didn 't get splinters from the broken boards . Grace took the seat and handed Dell a new drink . " So did you meet all of the new prospects Kitty invited ? " She asked with a knowing smile . Dell took a drink of her beer and noticed that the lights were on in the guesthouse . " They find another lost soul ? " She asked and pointed the tip of her beer at the guesthouse . Grace grabbed her chest . " I 'm hurt . To think that you would give someone heads up on what we do here . I 'll have to tell the rest of the family that you have to be reprogrammed . " " Okay , okay I won 't say a word . Just keep me away from all those dishes . I don 't think my delicate hands could handle the harshness off all that dish soap . " Dell raised her hands up in defeat . She looked into the caring face that reminded her of a typical Grandma . " Can I tell you something ? You have to promise not to say anything to anyone else . " Dell took the last mouthful of her beer and stood up . She turned so she faced Grace . " I 'm glad that you grasped on to me . I don 't know where I 'd be if you guys hadn 't dragged me into your family . " Grace stood and hugged Dell with all the might she could get . " Believe me . It was all our pleasure . " Grace stepped back and looked in Dell 's watery eyes . " If you ever need someone to talk to I 'm here . " Before Jinx gave Dell her hug he pinched Grace 's ass . " See I do know the difference . And I 'm fine . " He grinned with a twinkle in his eyes . " You old dog you , " Dell replied with her own wink . " I think I 'm going to go get me something else to drink . You two be good now . " " Hello , you two and yes , I 'm settled in just fine , " Sydney answered . " Boy , you guys sure know how to throw a party . " She stated as she gestured towards all the happy party goers . " So , " Kitty began . " What kind of social life does a doctor have ? " She asked so she could get a picture in her mind of what kind of partner Sydney would like . " Really , that 's kind of hard to believe . With your looks you could have anyone . Especially with those baby blues of yours , " Sammy replied with a shake of her head . " Looks are one thing , but working sixteen hour days , sometimes not even making it home , can kind of ruin a relationship . So I figured , why even get into something that I know will not have a chance to work ? " Sydney informed the two women . " Sometimes love is something that you threw away because you 're too stupid to see what you had , " she finished in a soft voice . " That 's just it , I did , but in my mind I needed more . I thought that I need money and power not love to survive . So I just threw away the best thing I had in the world , " Sydney continued . It was like the floodgates had opened and everything came rushing out . " I tried to call her . She either had her number changed or she moved . She 'll never know how much I loved her and how right she was . " " Right about what ? " Kitty asked . She could tell what this woman had given up on love . She couldn 't imagine what life would be without John and the love they shared . " She was right about me . She said that my life would be meaningless . " Sydney just shook her head back and forth . " Boy , was she right . It might not of hit me at first but when it did , I got out of there . " " No , she probably is living her life the way she always has . Loving it and loving someone who deserves it , " Sydney assumed . She took a drink of her beer and went to stand . A hand on her shoulder stopped her progress . A glance told her the hands belong to John and he had a very sneaky look on his face . " I 'm going to kill them ! " Sammy yelled as she jumped up from her seat . She ran for the front yard as fast as a pregnant woman could . Sydney followed Kitty and was about to ask what was going on when she heard the sound of a motorcycle . Then she saw someone driving the motorcycle and attached to the back was a rope and attached to the rope was a person . Then she noticed that the person was being pulled on water skies across the pond that was in the front yard . " Oh my God . Are they trying to get themselves killed ? " " No , not bones . They try to see who can jump the highest , " Kitty responded with a gasp . She brought her hand up to cover her face . Sydney stood still and was totally amazed when the person who was being pulled through the water hit what looked like a ramp of some sort , and flew up and over the people that stood and watched . Everyone clapped and shouted as the person landed without any trouble . " Well , I 'll be . Those two are fucking nuts . " " You have no idea . When I get my hands on him this will be the last kid he ever has , " Sammy growled and walked off to the man on the motorbike . " Marcus , get your ass of that thing . " Sydney didn 't think she ever saw a man move so quickly . The look of terror on his face showed who wore the pants in the family . " You go , Sammy . " " Sydney , if you will excuse me I have to go and do some yelling of my own . Believe me , if you think Marcus is getting it bad just wait until I give it to Dell . She 'll never know what hit her . " Kitty stormed off . She didn 't notice the surprised look Sydney got when she said Dell 's name . Sydney was shocked . She never thought that she would hear that name again . She moved even before her mind knew that her feet were moving . She carefully pushed her way through people as she tried to get a glimpse of the person who she hadn 't seen in years . Sydney saw Kitty pacing and yelling . " How many times do I have to tell you not to do that ? Wasn 't the broken arm you got the last time enough ? " She yelled when she grabbed Dell 's shoulders . People swore they saw steam coming out of her ears . " The only reason I broke my arm last time was because that stupid turtle got in my way and threw off my balance . " Dell tried to reason with the upset woman . " I made sure nothing got in my way this time . Plus Marcus bet me that I couldn 't jump twenty feet . Now how could I pass an easy bet like that up ? " " Oh honey , we love you and just want you to be happy . It 's time to let go of the past and work for the future . Not try and get yourself killed doing stupid stunts . " Kitty 's heart broke from the anguished look on Dell 's face . Kitty saw Sydney walk up behind her . " Okay that 's enough for tonight . This is supposed to be a party . Now I have someone I would like you to meet . " " Oh , Kitty , not now . Please , " begged Dell . " I really don 't want to … " She was interrupted by a voice she thought she 'd never hear again . Sydney noticed that the long blonde hair she loved to run her hands through was cut to just above the shirt collar . The once vibrant green eyes were dull and lifeless . She wondered what could have happened to make them that way . Dell 's body she observed was in prime physical form . With nice tan muscular arm and under the gray T - shirt hid the well - developed abs . Sydney wasn 't sure what she expected Dell to do , but just walking off wasn 't one of them . " I 'm sorry , " she yelled to the retreating back . " Please forgive me , " she said only in a whisper . " How ? " Kitty requested in a determined tone . Dell was part of her family and this woman before her had caused Dell to be in pain and she wanted answers . Kitty shifted so she could see Sydney 's face . " You 're in pain too . From what you said earlier , you 're trying to get your life back on the right track ? Give her some time . She 'll come around . " " I hope you 're right , because now that I know where she lives I plan on making it up to her , " Sydney replied with determination . Then she got quiet and looked down at her feet . " Is she seeing anyone ? " Kitty almost jumped for joy . Even though it 's going to take some work . She may have found a match for Dell . " No , she isn 't seeing anybody at all . " " Let 's go get Grace and sit down for a pow wow . " She guided Sammy off to the house in search of the older McGregor woman . They had some planning to get to party or no party , true love came first . The wind made the tears race across Dell 's face . Her mind spun out of control . She had to pull over before she got herself or somebody else killed . " WHY ? " Dell yelled to the sky . She began to pace along the side of the road . Cars honked when they drove by , but none of this registered in Dell 's mind . The only thing that did was the woman back at the McGregor 's house . " Why now ? How did she know I was here ? Did she come looking for me ? Maybe she came to find me to rub it in that her life is better since she left me . " John had seen Dell take off on her motorcycle . Wondering what was going on he found Kitty and asked her . When she told him the details of the events that took place he knew that Dell would need some one . So he jumped into his car and followed her . Dell didn 't think twice . She flew into John 's arm and held on as if her life depended on it . " Why , John ? Why now ? " John took a deep breath . " Who knows ? Life is a strange thing . Perhaps you two weren 't meant to be together until certain things happened in your lives . Maybe now you 'll get what you have secretly wished for . " The party had been over two weeks ago yet she felt like it just happened . She could still see the shock green eyes glare at her . She found it hard to believe that they once held so much love and now they held hate and disgust . Sammy and her were becoming pretty good friends . Sydney would have dinner over at her house when Marcus had to work late and Sammy could talk her into leaving the hospital . They never approached the Dell subject . She didn 't know if that was good or bad . She wanted , no she needed , to talk to someone . Sammy interrupted her thoughts as she shoved some gloves in her face . " We know it 's a shot to the chest . Lots of blood loss and they lost the heartbeat twice now , " Sammy relayed what information she had . " Plus it was gang related . Let 's just hope nothing happens like the last time . " " Last time we had a gang shooting they decided to bring it to the hospital . Several of us got hurt . " She pointed to the nurse next to her . " Show her your scar , Betty . " " Shit , we had a number of police officers here and they couldn 't stop it , " Sammy replied in disgust . " Marcus had to have ten stitches put into his eyebrow and Dell got her nose broken . She looked like a fucking raccoon for over a week . " Sammy and Betty both laughed as they remembered what Dell looked like . Marcus sat in the undercover car drinking a cup of coffee . He watched as Dell talked to a couple of guys . They had been trying for months now to catch a clue on George Hyde . He was wanted for drug trafficking and extortion on the local businesses . But the recent killing of an innocent family at the wrong place at the wrong time speed up the urgency to find this guy . Sydney walked up behind Sammy as she talked on the phone . She heard Sammy reply to the person on the other end with her own endearment . " I love you too . Watch your back and Dell 's . Pick me up after your done . Bye . " Sammy laid a hand on Sydney 's arm . " Not unless you can keep my husband and Dell from harms way , " Sammy replied with a slight grin . " They 're going on a take down or bust or whatever they call those things . " Sammy waved her hands around . " They think they finally found that guy that killed that family a couple of weeks ago . " She could see the emotions run across Sydney 's face . " It can be . Especially with a guy like the one they 're after . He doesn 't care who he hurts . He shot that family just for the joy of it , " Sammy stated with disgust . " Okay , I just took care of my last patient . How about I buy you a cup of coffee or juice in your case ? " Sydney asked and patted the round tummy . She really didn 't want Sammy to sit around by herself . If she was honest with herself it was more for her than Sammy . She didn 't want to go home and worry all by herself . " Good , let 's go . " She grasped Sammy by the elbow and guided her towards the elevator . " Maybe we can talk them out of some dessert they had for dinner . " " The night manager said he 's in room 17 . That 's on the top right hand corner of the building , " Marcus explained . " I want three officers in the back and one on each side . Stay out of sight unless you see him trying to leave . The rest will follow Dell and I in the front door . Remember he 's probably armed and should be considered very dangerous . " He saw that everybody was ready and gave the signal to take their places . Dell watched the team of officers run into the dark alley to get to the back of the building . Each and everyone knew that this was a big take down . Most of the people here were at the scene of the family killing . They had all wanted to get this guy really bad . Marcus waved the rest of the officers to get into position . They followed Dell as she carefully started up the stairs . Dell took a quick look into the window . She shook her head to let them know that she couldn 't see in . Which was both a good and a bad thing . They wouldn 't be seen , but they couldn 't see the suspect either . Marcus and Dell each stood on either side of the blue door that held a rusted number 17 on the top . They looked at each other to make sure they were ready . When they both nodded , Dell banged on the door . " Open up ! It 's the police ! " She yelled and moved out of the way as two police officers came at the door with a battering ram . It shattered the door in one hit . Everyone rushed the door . They expected some sort of resistant but nothing happened . The room was filled with empty whiskey bottles and cigarette butts . The smell alone told them that he 'd been hiding out here for some time . " He 's not here , " Dell said as she walked out of the bathroom . " Check around to see if there 's a clue to where he might have gone , then let 's get out of here and post a car out front . He 'll probably be back . " " Okay , guys , start looking , " Marcus ordered . He walked over to Dell and put a hand on her shoulder . " What dumb luck that guy has . " " No shit , but it 'll run out soon . " Dell took a deep breath . " Damn , it stinks in here . How can anybody live like this ? " " Let 's go . " Dell led Marcus out of the room . She scanned the parking lot . When she saw a man walking across the street from the liquor store . He stopped and twisted the cap off a bottle hidden in a brown paper bag . " There he is , " Dell said before she took off down the stairs . " Paybacks are a bitch , " informed Sydney as she got up for more coffee . She bent down to whisper in Sammy 's ear . " When you least expect it . I 'll be waiting . " She walked off laughing . George Hyde had seen Dell run towards him when he took a drink of his whiskey . He dropped the bottle and everything else he had in his hands and took off running . He thought that for sure he could get away from the small blonde because he had longer legs , but she was proving him wrong . She had chased him down to the street and over to the riverbank . The smell of dead fish filled his senses . When he heard Dell shout from behind him . He screamed back , " Fuck you , bitch ! " He kept on moving across the muddy bank . " Okay , shithead , you want to do this the hard way , that 's fine by me , " Dell yelled and stopped running . She aimed at the dirt by his feet and took one shot . " The next one goes in your ass . " Hyde didn 't really want to stop , but the fact that his foot got stuck in the very wet mud had that effect . He landed stomach first with his face only inches from the smelly concoction . " God damn it . I 'm going to get you for this . " He pounded is fisted on the ground next to his head . " Let go of me , or I 'll make you regret ever coming after me ! . " Hyde yelled when he felt Dells ' hands on his back . He saw out of the corner of his eye a branch from a tree . It was about as long as his arm and as thick as one of his whiskey bottles . " Ohh , shut it and listen . You have the right to remain silent . Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of … SHIT ! ! " Dell screamed when Hyde flipped her and dived for the thick branch . " Damn it , you are so going to pay for my dry cleaning bill ! " she yelled from the ground . Before she could say more Sammy started to cry . " Oh my God , Marcus . " She turned around and grasped onto Sydney . She felt her world come to an end . " Please God , not my Marcus . " Sammy laid her head on Sydney 's shoulder and started to cry . Sydney just stood there and rubbed her hand across Sammy 's back . She felt so sorry for her friend and the little baby that grew inside of the distraught woman . She carefully sat Sammy down on the chair next to her . " Shit , Sammy , I 'm sorry , " the nurse cursed and rushed over to her side . " Marcus is fine . At least he sounded okay when he called . " " Oh , thank God , " Sammy said in relief and crossed herself . Then she stood up and gave the other nurse a curious look . " Why do I need to come up then ? " " All I know is that shots were fired during that bust tonight . How many and who was shot I don 't know . Marcus just called and asked for you to be there , " the nurse informed Sammy . " I should be getting back . The place is already crawling with reporters wanting the scoop . " With that said she turned and jogged back to the E . R . " Nothing like having your heart ripped out and put back in all in the same moment , " Sammy breathed a sigh of relief . Tears started to fall down her cheeks . The emotional few minutes reeked havoc on her emotions . " Hey , why the tears ? She said Marcus was fine , " Sammy asked . She knew what was going on mentally with her friend . The hormones and emotional stress were about to break the dam . All she could do was hold on to her friend until things got back to normal . " Are you feeling better ? " Sydney asked as she reached over to the napkin holder . She handed a couple to Sammy and watched her as she sat up and wiped her face . " I do . Your eight months pregnant and your hormones are running rampant . Plus in less than two seconds , you think your husband is dead and then brought back , " Sydney replied and brushed a strand of hair behind Sammy 's ear . He ran up right when George Hyde swung the tree branch at Dell 's head . He fired a shot and hit Hyde right behind the ear , but it didn 't stop the impact of the branch . The way the branch snapped in two showed the force of contact . Marcus sat there and watched the blood from his hand mix with the mud on hers . " Don 't you die on me , " he remembered trying to stop the flow with his hand as tears ran down his face . The ghostly white complexion of Dell 's face compared to the red blood and the black mud would haunt his dreams for years to come . " Yes , and that looks like Marcus stepping out of the side door . My God , he 's a mess , " Sammy gasped at the state her husband was in . " Come on , let 's find out what 's going on . " They walked out the door and came up to Marcus . " Hey , baby , what did you do ? Join a mud wrestling troop or something ? " Sammy teased . Then her face fell when she noticed along with mud there was blood all over Marcus 's hands . " Honey , what 's going on ? " She started to look around . " Where 's Dell ? " Before he could elaborate anymore the door swung open and they started to get Dell out . The image of the stark white bandage with the dark stain in the middle of it was the first thing that Sydney saw . Immediately she went into doctor mode . " Tell me what you got . " Sydney ordered as she separated herself from her feelings . She read the information the medic handed her as she followed them into the hospital . Marcus and Sammy watched them take Dell in . Sammy felt Marcus start to shiver . She guided him to a bench that was next to the doors . " Honey , talk to me , " Sammy begged . Marcus turned to his wife . His hand went to her round belly . Slowly he rubbed his hand over it and felt the baby kick inside . When a smaller hand held his he looked up . He saw the pleading statement asked again from the emotional brown eyes . " I killed him , " Marcus confessed . The hand gripped his harder . " I was coming up to where they were . I saw him flip her and go for the branch . He swung before I could get a shoot off . " He stood up and started to pace . " If only I could have been there a few second before , Dell would be okay . If only I was just a bit faster , if only I had my gun ready , " Marcus continued out of guilt . Sammy grabbed her husband 's hand and forced him to sit . She put her hands on both of his cheek so he couldn 't turn away . " Now you listen to me . What happened tonight isn 't anyone fault , but the guy that you were after . He 's the one who decided to break the law . He 's the one who killed that innocent family . All you two were doing was bringing him in to face his crimes . " Sammy wiped the tears from his cheeks . She bent closer and gave him a small kiss . " Stop blaming yourself . Dell could be worse off if you hadn 't come along when you did . She owes her life to you and I know you well enough to know that you 'll play this to the hilt , " Sammy laughed as she tried to lighten the moment . Marcus sat there and thought for a second . Then he started to laugh too . " You 're right . If the roles were reversed , she 'd hold it over my head . " He bent down and gave is wife a kiss in return for the one she gave him and one for a thank you for setting him straight . " You 're the best . " They all turned when Sammy came out . She gave them all a small smile . " She 's going to be okay . They 're just worried about swelling . Plus she hasn 't woken up yet , " she informed the room . " Why don 't you all go on home and if there 's anything anyone can do we 'll call . " " He should be here anytime now . He wanted to check stuff out at the scene , " Kitty replied to her daughter . " Why don 't you go and lie down ? I 'm sure we won 't know anything for awhile , " Kitty said to her daughter . " No , I 'm all right . Sydney should be back down in awhile , " Sammy replied back as she rested her head on Marcus 's shoulder . " How you doing , big guy ? " She asked Marcus . Marcus took a deep breath . " I 'll be okay once Dell 's awake and giving me hell . " He felt Kitty 's arm go around him and squeeze his shoulders . He glanced at the concerned older brown eyes and gave her a small smile . They all agreed with a shake of their heads . An hour pasted before Sydney walked through the doors and stopped in front of them . " She still hasn 't woken up . All her test turned out normal except for a small amount of swelling , " she said as she sat next to Sammy . " They put fifteen staples in her head , " " We hope by morning she 'll wake , " Sydney informed them . She gazed up at them . She wanted to know what happened to Dell 's back . But she knew that it wasn 't relevant to Dell 's care . So she didn 't want to step out of bounds . She sat there and thought for a second . Her head started to nod . " Yes , that 's the case she was working on when I left , " Sydney replied in a sad tone . " Can you tell me more ? " John sat next to her . " This isn 't a very pleasant story . Are you sure you want to here it ? " he asked just to make sure she knew what she was getting into . " Adam Jackson found out that Dell had dinner at her parents ' house every Sunday , " John began . " Before Dell arrived he entered the house first by killing her mother as she opened the door for him . Then he walked in and killed her father as he read the paper . " " Oh my God . I can 't believe it . Mr . and Mrs . Marshall were the nicest people I 've ever meet , " Sydney replied with a sob . " He saved the worse for her sister . He brutally beat and raped her on the table in the dining room . She died when he strangled her with her own shirt . " John felt Sydney 's shoulders start to shake . He brought her head down to rest on his shoulder and continued . " Dell walked in and found her mom and dad dead and when she found her sister he came up from behind her and stabbed her . " It took a split second for the information she just heard to reach her mind . " Oh , my . No , no , no … " Sydney repeated and grabbed her head . She shook it back and forth thinking that it couldn 't be true . " What happened to her back ? " she asked in a whisper . " If the knife was a half an inch closer to her spine she would be paralyzed . Instead he cut some muscles and nicked her liver . They had to take out part of her liver and keep her immobilized for several months , " Kitty answered from behind as she rubbed Sydney 's shoulders . " Plus months worth of physical therapy before she could start work again . " " I can 't believe it . She was all alone going through hell and I was living me life like I 'd lost nothing , " Sydney said angrily . She couldn 't help but think that she could have done something to help . If maybe she went with her to dinner like she usually did , maybe she could have prevented Jackson from sneaking up and causing Dell so much pain ? As if she knew what Sydney was thinking Sammy grabbed her hand . " The only thing we all can do is be there for her when she needs us , and right now she does . So why don 't you go on up and make sure they 're taking care of her ? Because as soon as she wakes up all hell is going to break lose . " Sammy smiled and squeezed the larger hand she held . " She really , and I mean really , hates hospitals . " " Your right , I 'll call you at home if there 's a change . " Sydney gave them all hugs and promised again that she 'd call . She stood there and watched them all leave before she took a deep breath and walked to find what room they put Dell in . Dell knew for sure whom it belonged to . It had been four years since she last heard it . Tears ran down her face when she opened her eyes . There stood in a silvery glowing dress was her mom . " How … I don 't understand ? Am I dead ? " She finally asked as her brain still ran in different directions . " We 've missed you too , " Shelly replied and brushed her hands on Dell 's back . " Listen now . I don 't have a lot of time , so I must make this quick . " " I know you feel like what happened was your fault . It wasn 't . It was Adam Jackson who killed us , " Shelly stated as she wiped Dell 's tears away . " It 's time to let love in again . " She smiled . Dell stepped back and shook her head . " No … no way . I gave my heart to someone and they trashed it like it didn 't matter . " " Maybe it wasn 't the right time , " Shelly replied in a calm voice . " Maybe it 's the right time now . " She put her hands on either side of her Dell 's face . " Do you remember what I always used to say to you ? " " About what , mom ? " Dell asked as she felt the love her mom had for her pulsate through their linked hands . " You said so many things . " " If you let something go and it doesn 't come back it wasn 't meant to be . If you set it free and it comes back , love it forever , " Shelly replied as she drew her daughter in for one last hug . She could feel herself getting weaker by the moment . When she stepped back she looked right into Dell 's misty green eyes . " Sometimes it doesn 't come right back , it might take it awhile to find its way . " Sydney walked into the dull white room that Dell was in . The sight of the smaller woman made her heart jump into her throat . She tried to hold back the tears , but it was a battle lost when cloudy green eyes locked with hers . " Besides having Xena 's war cry shouting in my head ? I 'm great , " Dell replied when she tried to sit up . Which wasn 't a good idea because the room started to spin . Sydney heard the small gasp and quickly got a garbage can for her . She patiently waited until Dell was done and took the garbage can into the bathroom . She walked out with a wet towel so Dell could wipe her face . " Thanks , " Dell said and wiped her face . She glanced from the wall to the bathroom where Sydney walked back into so she could clean the garbage can . Dell noticed that Sydney had kept in top physical shape , by the muscles that bunched together when she leaned over to scrub the can . When Sydney had to bend over to grab the towel she dropped Dell received a great view of a firm butt , " damn , I always loved her ass , " Dell whispered to herself . " I 've been told so many times in the past couple of weeks that you have to leave the past behind . So why don 't we do that and start fresh . " Dell smiled and continued to caress Sydney 's hand . " Hey , you 're not the only one suffering from sleep deprivation , " Sydney huffed and stretched again and felt a few more vertebras pop back in place . " And no it doesn 't hurt . It feels great . " She smiled at Sammy . Dell looked over at her partner . She could see signs that he needed to talk and he wasn 't about to say anything in front of Sammy and Sydney . " Would you two mind if I talk to Marcus alone for a second ? " " Anything will be good , " replied Dell as she grabbed the controller for the bed . She pushed the button and sat up . " Can you tell me what all happened yesterday ? I remember having Hyde down but after that it 's all a big blur . " Marcus came up to the bed and sat down . He looked right into Dell 's eyes . " I ran up just in time to see that asshole hit you with a branch . I drew my gun before I could think and shot him , " he replied as tears began falling down his cheeks . " I wish I could 've been there a few seconds earlier and stopped him from hurting you . " The guilt evident in his tone . " Don 't do that to yourself . What happened , happened . Nothing you can do about it now . So let it go , " Dell stated as she hugged her partner . " So is he ? " She knew the answer by the look he gave her . " And I promised that 's what I 'll do . I 'll go home and crawl into bed and watch TV , " Dell replied . She wanted out and she would do and say anything to get home . Even if she had to promise to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing . " Please , Dr . Hammer , " she begged . " I don 't need anyone to stay and baby - sit me , " Dell mumbled and crossed her arms across her chest . " I 've taken care of myself for many years . I don 't need anyone to watch over me . " Dell sat there and tried to stare him down , but she knew that he wouldn 't budge . " Fine , " she pouted . " I 'll find someone to stay with me . " " Stubborn as always . She wants to leave , but I told her that she needs someone to stay with her , " Dr . Hammer told Sydney . Over the past couple of days he had seen the glances they gave each other when the other wasn 't looking . Plus he had a long talk with Kitty and Sammy this morning . " You know anyone who can put up with her for a night ? " " Well , I could do it . I have the next three days off , " Sydney informed the older doctor . She could have sworn she saw a twinkle in the older gray eyes . " Now that you two have planned my night can I get out of here ? " Dell asked sarcastically . She was both scared and thrilled that Sydney would be with her . She knew that she stilled loved the tall brunette with the piercing blue eyes . She just wasn 't sure if she could put her heart on the line again . " Sure , as long as you don 't mind sleeping on the couch ? " Dell replied as she got up from the bed and got her clothes Sammy had brought her the other day when she came to visit . " I 'll make sure Buster stays in my room , " Dell said and dropped her hospital gown revealing a pair of boxers with Scooby Doo on them . Sydney 's eyes almost jumped into her heart when Dell dropped the flimsy hospital gown . When she saw what was on them she started to laugh . " Nice underwear . " A few minutes later the two were at the nurse 's desk . Dell signed all the paperwork she needed to leave . The doctor gave her specific instructions to make sure she didn 't strain herself and to come back in a couple of weeks to get the staples out . " The number is by the phone . Just tell Lisa that it 's for me and to put it on my tab ! " Dell yelled from her bedroom . They had decided that some pizza and soda would make a good dinner . Sydney made the call while Dell was in the bedroom changing into some jogging pants and shirt . When she came out Sydney had to laugh at what she had on . " What ? " Dell stopped in the hallway and looked down at what she had on . The purple pants that had Xena down the side and the shirt with Gabrielle in her Amazon princess outfit . Dell walked over to the closet and opened it . She reached in and took out her robe . " I don 't know what gave you that idea , " she replied with a smile as she put on her purple bathrobe with Xena embroidered on the front . The sight of this made Sydney laugh even harder . " You look so cute . " She stopped laughing when she realized what she said . Sydney looked over at Dell who was standing there with a smirk on her face . " Don 't I know it , " Dell replied and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch . She turned on the television and started to flip through the station until she found something she liked . " Gotta love Sponge Bob . " Sydney stood up and breathed a sigh of relief . She headed towards the living room and sat on the chair on the other side of the room . " They said it 'd be about half an hour . " Sydney sat there and looked around . She wanted to see if she could get a feeling of what Dell was like now . The pictures on the wall were of Dell and her family . The smiling faces of people she had thought of as family . Now they were gone except for these pictures and what she remembered . Tears fell down her cheeks and she tried to wipe them away before Dell saw them . Sydney didn 't even know Dell had come to stand next to her . " How did you know that I knew ? " she asked as more tears ran down her face . " Why didn 't they know ? " Dell knelt down by the chair and took Sydney 's hand in hers . " Sammy told me and I didn 't now how to tell them , " Dell replied quietly . " Plus I always hoped you 'd come back . " Sydney got up from the chair and watched Dell and Buster . She glanced at Sammy and Marcus who laughed at the antics before them . When they noticed Sydney they stepped in and greeted her . " Hi , why did it take so long for you guys to answer ? " Marcus asked as he tripped over a foot that had accidentally kicked him . " Hey watch it would you . " " Don 't I know it . He 's been pouting and moping around our house , " Sammy laughed . " As soon as he noticed where we were going he near tipped over the car with excitement . " " Well , if you drove something bigger than a bread box … Shit , I even have trouble getting in that car , " Dell laughed and got up off the floor . She walked over to where Sydney stood and introduced Buster . Not one to be embarrassed or to let a good opportunity to go by Sydney turned to face Dell . She grabbed her face and brought Dell 's lips to hers . The kiss left no doubt of who was going to be in control . Sydney stopped and turned to see Marcus and Sammy with smirks on their faces . " And to answer you question from earlier , that 's why the door wasn 't answered right away . " She finished her show with one last kiss and walked into the kitchen . " Anyone want something to drink ? " " Hello … Hello ? " asked a tired blonde . When a click was heard she hung up the phone . She felt a hand rub her back . " Some people need to get a life , " Dell replied with a yawn . She lay back down and guides Sydney to lay her head on her shoulder . Dell snuggled closer and stroked her hand over Sydney 's arm that lay on her stomach . " Don 't have a clue . " Dell could feel the goose bumps form on Sydney 's arm . " I don 't know . Do you have any ideas ? " Dell teased and ran her hands up under Sydney 's shirt . She could feel the muscles tremble when her hands caressed the skin . Dell moaned when the kiss ended . She lay there with a smile on her face . " I 've really missed this . The connection we have when we kiss . " She slowly opened her eyes and stared at smoldering blue . " I haven 't been with anyone since you . " Sydney laid her head on Dell 's chest . She took a deep breath . " I wish I could say the same . " She raised her head . " They were mostly one night stands . A couple lasted longer , but they didn 't match up with what I had with you . So I broke it off , " Sydney confessed . " You were what I have always wanted and I was a fool to leave . " Dell hugged Sydney closer to her . " If you had stayed you , could have been hurt or worse killed when we went over to my parents ' house . So in a way I 'm glad you left . " Dell tried to fight the tears . " I would gladly go through it again if it meant that you would not be hurt . " Sydney looked up and stared straight into Dell 's watery green eyes . " I wish I could have taken that pain away from you . " Sydney kissed Dell 's moist lips . " I love you and I will always be here for you . My soul can 't survive with out you any longer . " She kissed her again making her intention known . When the kiss broke apart Dell was a mass of quivering Jell - O . She took a deep breath . " Damn , you sure know how to kiss a girl . " Dell smiled and opened her eyes and met Sydney 's equally aroused stare . " I love you too . " She traced Sydney 's eyebrow with her finger . " With you by my side I think I will finally heal from not only the physical wounds but the emotional ones as well . " Sydney slowly guided her hands up under Dell 's shirt . She felt the tremble of muscles as her hands caressed smooth skin . She raised the shirt up over Dell 's head and tossed it across the room . The sight before her made her take a deep breath . Sydney stared at the body below her . She couldn 't remember it being this beautiful . " You 're the most amazing person I 've ever seen . I can 't wait to devour ever last inch of you . " Dell couldn 't believe that her body could feel this good . It 's been so long since anyone had touched her and made her respond the way she was to Sydney . " You have no idea what you 're doing to me , " she moaned . With a little bite she looked up . " You have no idea what you 're doing to me . The way you moan and tremble makes me want to explode right here , right now . " Sydney kissed her way up to Dell 's neck and her hand slowly made it 's way down to the boxers she wore . She pressed her finger under the elastic waistband to meet coarse curly hair . With ease she slipped a finger into the wetness . Slowly she rubbed her finger over the swollen nub . The small body below her jumped at the contact . Sydney guided the boxers down the blonde 's hips . They ended up somewhere next to the shirt . Sydney tortured Dell when she slowly kissed and nipped her way down . When she finally got her first taste of the sweet wetness she thought she 'd pass out . " My God , you taste even better than I remember . " Dell whimpered her response . The burning feeling took over her senses . It started in the middle of her stomach and was forced out through every nerve . Flashes of lights went off behind closed eyelids . Muscles tighten and fingers clamped into dark hair . A scream of Sydney 's name was yelled out . Then all went black . Sydney felt the body below her go limp . She looked up from her position and noticed that Dell had passed out . " I 've never had that happen before . " She smiled and gave herself a mental slap on the back . Slowly she crawled up and kissed the slightly parted lips . " Rest now , because you 're going to need your strength for later . " Then she curled up next to the warm body and fell into a light sleep . Dell opened her eyes . She looked around and tried to find out why she had woken up . The smell of sausage and eggs filled her senses . " Damn , I 'm hungry and something smells good . " She grabbed her robe . Before she put it all the way on she noticed little bit marks on her right breast . " What the hell ? " Then a smile ran across her face . " That wasn 't a dream . " She touched the marks and frowned . She tried to remember all that had happened and she couldn 't . The last thing she did remember was Sydney between her legs . " I guess I 'll have to ask her what happened , " Dell said as she walked down the hall to the kitchen . She stopped at the door and watched as Sydney read the paper . " Good morning , " Dell said as she went for the coffee pot she saw on the table . Sydney looked up from the article she was reading . She smiled at the way Dell 's hair stuck up all over the place . " Good morning to you . How 'd you sleep ? " She asked with a smirk . Dell saw the little smirk and wondered what that was all about . She took a sip and moaned with pleasure . " You could always make the best coffee . " " Really ? What do you remember ? " Sydney asked as she smiled seductively . She knew that she 'd get it for teasing Dell but she just loved the look on her face . " Tell me every single detail . " Dell grinned . She knew Sydney was playing with her . " You want me to tell you that the feeling of your long fingers in my pussy made me so wet ? The way your tongue flicked my nipples and when you 'd bite them I wanted to scream ? " She got up from her chair and stalked over to the tall brunette . " MMMmm . . , when you kissed your way down my body trembled like an earthquake . Then you licked my clit it sent me over the edge . It was so powerful that I … " Dell leaned back from the warm body and looked up into Sydney 's mischievous eyes . She shook her head not believing what conclusion she just came to . " No way . " Sydney hugged the small woman and kissed top of her head . " Not from my point of view . I 've never had anyone pass out from my attentions before . So I 'm pretty proud of myself . " " Adam Jackson escaped from prison three days ago , " Dell responded as she trembled . Tears ran down her face as visions of blood and gore filled her mind … the memory of her mother 's lifeless body lying in her own blood next to the front door . Her father sitting in his chair with a knife sticking out from his chest and the surprised look on his face . Then her sister lying on the table cut and bruised and spread eagle for everyone to see . Sydney held on for dear life as Dell cried . " Shh … I 've got you , " she whispered . Her mind spun out of control . She couldn 't imagine what Dell was going through , but she knew that she wouldn 't go through it alone . " We 'll face this together . " Dell shook her head . " No . I don 't want you to be anywhere near me . Especially with that nut out again . " She stepped out of the embrace and headed for her bedroom . Sydney stood there for a second before she followed . She walked into the bedroom as Dell was putting on her pants . " If you think for one minute that I 'm going to just walk away from this you 're nuts . " " The last time this guy came after the people I love . What 's to say that he won 't do the same ? " Dell replied . " I won 't risk your life or anyone else . " Sydney watched as Dell went to the closet and picked out a shirt . She walked over and wrapped her arms around Dell and held on as the upset blonde fought the embrace . She calmly whispered in her ear , " I won 't risk your life . I love you and I 'll be damned if you 're going to shut me out . " " You don 't see , if I hadn 't been trying to catch him he wouldn 't have killed my family , " Dell explained as she broke free . " It 's all because of me . " Dell sat on the edge of the bed and cried . Sydney knelt in front of Dell and grabbed her hands . " Look at me . " When green eye didn 't look up she gently placed a palm on Dell 's wet cheek . " Please , look at me . " " Oh sweetheart , you did absolutely nothing . All you did was try to bring peace to those families who had lost loved one because of that guy . Your family was and still would be so proud of you . " Sydney raised up and placed a soft kiss on Dell 's lips . " I know that they don 't hold anything against you . Let the guilt go . Place it where it should be . " She met the soft lips one more time before she pulled back . " I love you . " The driver of the car just ignored her . He played with a lock of her blonde hair . He twisted it around his finger until the girl whimpered . Then he let go and started on another strand . He glanced down at the tied up woman and started to laugh . " Please , sir , I won 't tell anyone what happened . Just let me go , " pleaded the woman . " I have a family and kids . " She started to cry . Jackson continued to ignore his passenger . " The last time I played this game I got cocky and lost , but not this time . Nope , no way I can lose this time . I thought she was down for the count the last time I played , but she had more spunk than I thought . " He fished around in his pocket and grabbed a cigarette . He lit it as he continued to tell his tale . " See , after I came up behind her and stabbed her in the back . Which by the way should 've killed her or at least paralyzed her . But does it ? NOOOOOO ! " he yelled and slammed his fist onto the steering wheel . " While the damn bitch is lying in her own blood , she grabs her gun and shoots me . Can you believe it ? So close to actually winning and then to be stopped by a bullet in the stomach , " he asked totally oblivious to the frightened woman next to him . He turned at the next light . It brought him into a residential area . He pulled over when he noticed a car still in the driveway . He sat there and waited . He knew that his opponent would soon find out that he was free . An hour later he watched as Dell and Sydney got into the car and drove off . He smiled . " Let the games begin and this time you will lose . " Dell and Sydney walked into the police station and headed straight for the captain 's office . Dell knocked lightly and opened the door . " Any news yet ? " She asked as she sat in one of the ugly brown chairs . Captain McGregor looked up when the knock came and knew it was Dell . What surprised him was Sydney walked in behind her . " Hello , ladies , and no I don 't have any news yet . " " Apparently he 's had someone keeping tabs on you . He had your pictures all over his cell , " McGregor stated . " Some if not most of them had red circles drawn around your face with an X in the middle . " Dell stopped pacing and slumped back into the chair . She sat there running her palms across her thighs . The muscles in her neck stood out as she ground her teeth together . Dell looked at Sydney and shook her head . " He wants to finish the game . " She turned and looked up at her friend and Captain . " He 'll come after me . " " I think he 'll do it as soon as possible , " Dell replied before she stood . " We need to have my house watched . It 's the most reasonable place . It was my parents ' house that the madness stopped . So it must begin again in a related place . " " I 'll get right on it , " Captain McGregor replied and picked up the phone . He talked for a few seconds and hung up . " Done , now you two need to get some of Dell 's things and come stay at my house . " " Ohh , yes you will . We are having the best security system installed as we speak , " replied the Captain . " So you get your ass home and pack , " he ordered . Dell knew from his tone that no amount of arguing was going to change his mind . " Okay , and thanks . " She tried to fight the tears but it was a losing battle . John came out from behind his desk and hugged the small blonde that had become his daughter of the heart . " Trust us to help keep you safe . We all love you , " he whispered in her ear . " No need to thank me . Kitty would kill me if I let anything happen to you , " he teased . " Who would we find to do all the dishes when we have a party ? " " A police car will follow you home and then to my house , " he informed the two as they walked out the door . " Please God watch over them , " he whispered his prayer . " They 're going to need it . " " I hate dogs ! " Jackson screamed from inside his car . " It won 't stop me from leaving my calling card though , " He said as he caressed the silent woman next to him . He got out and walked to the passenger side door . Before he picked up the woman he gazed around to make sure that no one was around . " Can 't have anymore of my plans ruined today . I 'll just leave you out back . " He started to laugh . " Nothing like having a nice privacy fence . I 'll have to remind myself to thank her for that . " He picked up his captive and quickly made his way to the side of the house where a gate to the back yard was . Sydney stopped at the red light . She looked in the review mirror to make sure the police car was still behind her . Then she glanced to her right and watched Dell . She detected emotions from anger to sadness flash on Dell 's face . Dell felt the squeeze and looked over . " Why couldn 't he just leave me alone ? " she whispered in a pain filled voice . " Why does he keep coming after me ? " " He 's a sick person who gets his pleasure out of hurting others . I just know that he won 't be able to get close to you and hurt you again , " Sydney replied with confidence . " Because I will kill him first . " Dell knew that Sydney was telling her the truth . She also knew that she couldn 't let Sydney get into the middle of this . She had to protect Sydney from the mad man because last time he came after her family and she knew deep down inside her that he would do the same . " Please don 't do anything that you 'll regret . Taking a life is not that easy , " Dell stated with tears running down her face . " I couldn 't stand the thought of you living a life with regret about taking another person 's life . Even if the asshole deserves it . " They both jumped when the police car behind them honked the horn . Sydney stepped on the accelerator , but quickly pulled over into a grocery store 's parking lot . She put the car in park and turned to face the blonde . " The only thing I would regret is if I sat by and did nothing while you were put in danger . If I get the chance to protect you from harm I will do it without a second thought . " She reached up and caressed Sydney 's cheek . A smile formed when she watched the blue eye close and a soft moan was heard . " Do you have any idea how much I love you ? " Sydney opened misty blue eyes . Tears ran down onto Dell fingers . " I can 't believe what a fool I was for letting this go . I promise that from this day forward you will be my life and my love . My heart always belonged to you and it will always beat for you . I love you more with every breath I take . " Sydney closed the distance between them and kissed the stunned woman . " Just wanted to make sure everything was all right , " the officer explained . " I see that all is well so I 'll just go back to my car . " The two watched in amusement as the officer practically tripped over his own two feet . " I guess he saw more than he thought he was going to ? " Dell laughed . She noticed where they were . " Would you mind pulling up closer to the store ? I need to get some things , " Dell asked and pointed at the grocery store 's front doors . " Sure , no problem , " Sydney said and started the car back up and drove to a closer parking spot . When she found a spot she liked she pulled in and turned off the engine . When she opened her door Dell stopped her from getting out . " What ? " Sydney watched the small blonde walk to the double doors . She stared at the butt in the tight jeans . Sydney knew by the extra swing of the hip that Dell knew she was being watched . Before Dell entered the store she turned around . Knowing green met desired filled blue for a split second . With a wink she turned and started her shopping . With bloodstains all over his clothes , Adam Jackson waited in his car . His thoughts went back to the woman in the back yard . The power he had over the struggling woman . The feel of the knife as it cut through skin and the smell of fresh blood as it seeped to the ground . The final breath the woman took before she died drove him over the edge into oblivion . A few minutes later he watched Dell and Sydney exit the car . He also noticed the police car pull in behind them . He sat and watched as Dell walked to the police car and talked to the officers before heading into the house . " Okay , don 't forget to pack me a couple pairs of boxers and my robe , " Dell yelled after Sydney . " Okay , Buster boy , come here and calm down . " She walked into the kitchen to see her dog barking and jumping around . What shocked the most were the deep scratches all along the door surface and the rug that usually lay there was torn to shreds . " What the hell ? Buster , you 're in so much trouble ! " Dell yelled at the dog . Buster didn 't seem to care that his owner yelled at him . He kept on jumping up to look out the window . When he realized that he wasn 't getting the effect he wanted he ran over and bit down on Dell 's pant leg and dragged her over to the window . " What the hell are you doing ? " Dell asked and tried to pull her leg away from the strange acting animal . " Do you know that I 'm going to take the money out of your treat allowance to fix that door ? " When Buster started to whimper and beg Dell knew something was wrong . Her dog only did that when someone was in trouble or she had a treat for him and was teasing him to long . " What 's the matter , boy ? " She scratched his big head . When he put his paw on the door she finally got the hint that something was wrong in the yard . Slowly she stood up and moved the light blue curtain from the window . Her stomach flipped when she saw the body . " He was here , " Dell whispered . Then she realized that he might still be around . " Sydney ! " She yelled and took off toward the bedroom , but not before she grabbed her gun from the front closet . " Why ? What 's going on ? " Sydney asked as she walked behind Dell to the front door . Then she noticed the gun . " Dell , why do you have your gun out ? " Dell didn 't answer right away . She fought down the emotion that someone had died , again , because of that sicko son - of - a - bitch . " He left a body back there . I don 't know if he 's still around . That 's why I want you to go tell one of the police officers to come in here . Then I want you to get into the car and go to Kitty and John 's . " " Please , Sydney . I need to know that you 're someplace safe , " Dell begged and drew her into a hug . " I don 't want him anywhere near you . " " Listen to me . He won 't get near me because you won 't let him . " Sydney kissed the blonde head and squeezed Dell into a tighter hug . " I 'll go get the officer , but I 'm not leaving . " Dell watched Sydney walk to the police car . Then the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end . Slowly she walked out of the house and looked around . She knew that Jackson was watching her . " Okay , you asshole . You want to play ? You got it , but this time you will not live to play another day , " Dell spoke to no one but she knew that her message would get through to the deranged man watching her . Later that night Sydney held Dell in her arms as the woman slept . Arms and legs hitting and kicking her had woken her up . The only way she could get Dell to stop was to practically smother the smaller woman with her body . What broke her heart was the whimper and tears that ran down closed eyelids . Sydney traced her finger across light eyebrows and watched as the forehead scrunched together . Then swollen green eyes opened and look around . " How are you feeling ? " Sydney asked quietly . " No , but … " Sydney replied . " What about Kitty and John ? Won 't they hear us ? " She sucked in a breath as her other nipple was sucked on . Dell nipped the nipple before she let go . " No , they can 't hear anything . We are on the opposite side of the house . " Dell kissed across the soft skin and up to the long neck that begged for attention . " It 's my turn to see if I can get you to pass out . " Dell kissed and nibbled the pulse point on Sydney 's neck . She remembered that was one of the things that use to drive the tall woman crazy . Her hands and fingers had minds of their own . They pulled and twisted the nipples on each breast . The fire was building inside Sydney . The sensations were shooting straight to her center . She could feel the wetness grow with every passing second . " Please , I need you , " she begged . She was distracted by the soft mound with pink nipples sticking out and had to stop . She loved the way that Sydney 's body reacted to her touch . The way goose bumps formed when she blew cool air across the pert nipples . That only caused Sydney to moan louder and beg for release . " Please … " She arched her back when she felt the air hit her sensitive nipples . " Ohh … God . " Dell licked and bit her way down to the dark shaved hair in between the long tan legs . " Mmmm … you smell good . " She grabbed Sydney 's legs and rested them on her shoulders . She wanted to dive right in and taste , but she remembered to take her time . Sydney looked down to the blonde between her legs and smiled . " I love it when you play with it while your sucking on my clit . " Sydney hoped Dell would get the hint . When a warm tongue made contact with the overly sensitive clit , Sydney bucked and held onto the head between her legs . " Ohh … yes . " Sydney only lasted a couple of minutes before her body was pushed over the edge . Every muscle clenched with pleasure . She nearly strangled Dell when her thighs clamped shut , trapping the blonde where she was . Dell had no problem with the position she was in . She kept up her movements and added her fingers to the stimulation . Sydney 's body reacted to the new stimulate with a more intense orgasm than the one she just had . When the body below her slowly released her head , Dell looked up . She saw two satisfied blue eyes staring down at her . " I guess you 're the better lover , " Dell said and sat up . She stuck her bottom lip out and pouted . Dell watched the perfect naked body drift off to dream land . She crawled up and brushed the sweaty hair from the beautiful face . " No , I think we both are the best when it 's us . " Dell bent over and placed a soft kiss on Sydney 's forehead . She watched as a small smile formed . " God , how I love you . " The next morning Dell and Sydney walked into the kitchen to have breakfast . Everybody looked up at the two of them and gave them a knowing smile . " What ? " they asked at the same time . " Are you sure you can 't miss it ? You two have been through a lot the past couple of days , " Kitty asked and gave them both a cup and a bagel . She saw them both look up at her . " You have to eat something . " " No , not yet , " he replied and set his fork down next to his plate . He looked right into Dell 's eyes . He knew that she wasn 't going to like what information he was about to tell her . " It seems that he did the same thing to the young woman that he did to your sister . " Sydney had to move fast to catch the cup before it spilled all over Dell . She set the cup down and tried to grab Dell 's hands . Before she could Dell stood up and stormed out . Kitty came up and stood next to her . " Go find her . She needs someone now more than ever , and I think you might be the only one she 'll let in right now . " Sydney first headed up to their room . Not finding her there she tried to think where Dell might have gone . Not coming up with anything she decided to go ask John and Kitty if they had any ideas . She saw them walking out of the kitchen and stopped to watch them . They held hands and smiled at each other . She hoped that her and Dell would still be that in love when they were their age . The two women walked out to see him off . He turned around before he climbed in the car . " Let Dell know that we are going to have a meeting with everyone who 's on the case at two o ' clock . " It didn 't take her long to find Dell . The first clue was the sound of pebbles being thrown in the water . She stopped and just watched . She could tell that Dell had cried by the wet streaks that ran down her face , but she had stopped and had a determined far off look . She decided that she wanted , no needed to k now what her lover was thinking . So she walked closer and coughed to make it known that she was there . Seeing that Dell didn 't hear her she walked to stand in front of the sitting woman . She bent down and grabbed Dell 's hands in hers . When unfocused eye came up and meet hers she smiled . " You doing okay ? " " I 'll do that as long as you do the same and I love you too , " Sydney replied back and bent over to kiss Dell . " I really have to go . I 'm already late for the meeting . " Dell stood up and held her hand down to help Sydney . " Okay , lets get going . I 'm going to drive you and then head off to the station to see what they have come up with so far . " Half way there , Buster came running at them . Dell jumped in front of Sydney before the big dog trampled her . " Stop ! " She yelled . The lovable dog stopped on a dime and danced around the two . Licking any piece of skin he could with a very wet tongue . " Buster , you better get your ass back here right now ! " Kitty yelled from the front door . She stepped down to meet the couple and the rambunctious monster of a dog . She pointed at Dell . " You 're in trouble . " " It wasn 't you , it was your dog . Do you know what he did ? " Kitty asked as she put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot . " That dog of yours . " She pointed at the dog that hid behind Sydney . " Decided that my rose bush would be the best place to dig . Now instead of seven beautiful rose bushes . I have four . " Dell slowly turned to look at her dog . She couldn 't believe what he had done . Those rose bushes had won first place in all the community rose garden for the last six years straight . " Buster , you get your ass over here now ! " she yelled . Buster put his head down and crawled to his owner . He knew he was in big trouble by the tone of the voice . Slowly he made his way over and lowered his head and offered his paw to Dell . " You 're not getting any treats for a month . Plus no extra long walks , " Dell said to the dog . " Go and apologize to Kitty . " " Yep , and I 'm sorry for what he did . I 'll buy you new rose bushes . Just let me know what kind to get , " Dell replied . " We have to be going now . Just put him in our room so that he stays out of trouble . " " No , I won 't lock him up in a room all day , " Kitty said and petted Buster on the head . " You two should get going . Let me know if you 're going to make it for dinner . " Three weeks had gone by and Jackson had killed two more people . One was an old woman who lived alone . She was stabbed through the heart as she opened the door . Her neighbor found her lying in a pool of blood . The second was an older man who read his paper while he sat on his porch . A mailman discovered him when he delivered the mail . A knife was found sticking out of his chest . Dell sat in her car before she entered the police station . " I 'm so ready for a vacation , " she said to herself . " Maybe I can talk Sydney into taking off for a few days . " With that thought her cell phone rang . She looked at the caller ID and smiled to herself . " Hello , sweetheart . I was just thinking of you . " " You don 't say . It sounds like a whole lot of fun to me . Just tell me when and I 'll be there with bells on , " Sydney whispered back as she looked around . Not wanting anybody to hear her conversation . Dell got out of the car . She took a deep breath and looked up into the sky . The clouds were gray and she could smell the hint of rain . " This day is as gloomy as I feel . " " Thanks , " Dell replied when she grabbed the envelope . She turned it over in her hand and noticed that it didn 't say anything but her name . " Who delivered it ? It doesn 't have any postage . All it has on it is my name . " Slowly Dell reached in and unfolded the note . Her heart stopped . There in front of her was a picture of Sydney while she was at work . What really got her was the big red circle and line drawn across her face and in bold hand writing Jackson had told her what his next move would be . She sat down at the nurse 's desk and watched the people moving around . Knowing she should really go to her office and do paperwork she still sat there . " I don 't want to sit in a cramped room with no windows . " Sammy laughed . " Sorry . " She sat down in the chair next to Sydney . " Haven 't talked to you in a couple of days . How have ya been ? " Sydney took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " She tries to act like it doesn 't bother her as much as it does , " Sydney replied . " I know she gets up after I fall asleep and walks around the house . " " That 's what mom told me . She caught her double checking the alarm the other night , " Sammy stated with a sigh . " I hope this ends soon . " They both stood up when they heard the sirens . Wondering what was going on , because they didn 't hear any calls about incoming ambulances . The doors opened and a frantic looking Dell ran in . Sydney looked over at Sammy and she just shrugged . They both looked over at the door as more police cars swarmed the parking lot . " Dell , what 's going on ? " Dell looked at her with guilty eyes . She tried to stop the tears that threaten to fall , but was unsuccessful . " Jackson sent me a letter . It had your picture with a red circle and an x marked across your face . " Dell glanced around . " We should go to your office . " Dell saw Marcus run up and stop where his wife was standing . She stopped the doors from closing and yelled , " Marcus , meet us up in Sydney 's office . " She saw him give her a thumbs up and let the doors close . They rode up to the third floor and stepped out when the doors opened . They didn 't notice the person get off behind them . Slowly Dell guided Sydney to the closed door with her name on it . Sydney reached into her white lab coat . She handed the keys to Dell and let her unlock the door . Dell opened the door and let Sydney enter first . She was about to make sure that nobody was following when she was hit on the back of the head . " Fuck ! ! " Sydney jumped and turned when she heard Dell cuss . " What the hell ? " She asked when she saw Dell land on the floor . Then she saw the bearded man standing in the open door with a gun in his hand . " Who are you ? " She asked . " I 'm the winner . That 's who I am . " Jackson laughed and walked into the room . He closed the door and locked it . " Now it 's time for the grand finale . " " I just figured it would be a perfect ending to kill both of you . " He gestured with the gun to Sydney and Dell . " In a public place and since I would be stopped from doing that , so I decided that your office would be perfect . " He laughed . " You don 't have the time to do this . Dell 's partner will be up here any second , " Sydney replied as she bent over to see if Dell was still alive . When she felt a faint pulse she let out a small sigh . Sydney walked around her desk . She tried to see if there was anything she could use as a weapon , but the only dangerous thing she had was a stapler . When she sat down she figured the only thing she could do was stall . " Tell me what you get out of all of this ? " she asked . " Well , let me see ? What do I get out of all of this ? " Jackson replied . " I get the honor of out playing and out thinking the only person who ever beat me . " " Is that all it is to you ? A fucking game ? You killed innocent people who did absolutely nothing to you . Don 't you feel at all guilty ? " Sydney asked as the anger of what this man in front of her had done to so many lives . " Okay , what about Dell 's sister ? What did she ever do to you ? She was the sweetest person I have ever known , " Sydney asked . She tried to see if Dell was hopefully coming around , but the edge of her desk blocked her view . " Oh , she got what she deserved . " He turned his head . " Do you see this scar ? She gave that to me when she came downstairs and saw me kill her old man . " He grinned evilly . " It was one of my finer moves to leave her on the table . " " It gets better . You should have seen the look on her face when she walked in and saw her family . Plus the agonizing yell she gave when I stabbed her . " Jackson stood up and walked around to where Dell was lying . He kicked her in the stomach hard enough to flip her over . " This time I 'm going to make sure that she does die . " Dell slowly focused on the gun that was pointed right at her . When she looked around she noticed Sydney behind her desk . She saw the terror and anger in the blue eyes that she loved so much . " Did he hurt you ? " she asked as she tried to stand , but lost her balance . Jackson tried to act like it was no big deal that he forgot to see if she had on any weapons . " I don 't think so . I do have one advantage , " he replied and brought the gun up to face Sydney . " You move an inch and I pull the trigger . " Dell tried to keep Jackson from getting a shot off and he was doing the same . When Jackson brought his knees up and pushed Dell backwards to crash on the little coffee table . He watched as she broke it into a bunch of pieces from her weight . He quickly stood up and pointed the gun and fired a shot . Dell saw him stand and moved just in time to hear the bullet hit above her head . Then she heard another shot but didn 't hear it hit anything . She moved to stand up , but was kicked in the stomach by a foot . She tried to get away before he could do it again , but he grabbed her hair and brought her up to stand on her tiptoes . Dell stayed on the floor for a few seconds to catch her breath . She glanced around to see where Sydney was . Her heart fell to her stomach when she saw Sydney 's feet sticking out from behind her desk . " Oh God , no . " She quickly got up and ran to check on her injured lover . The sight of all the blood under Sydney 's head and the grayish tint to her skin made Dell throw up into the wastebasket . She sat there for a few minutes to try and get herself together . The memories of her family and the sight before her made her get up . She knew that the only way to end this was to go after and kill Jackson . Then she would go away and never let anyone get close to her again . As tears ran down her cheeks Dell walked out of the office and headed for the stairs . When she opened the door she listened for any signs of noise . She heard the sound of someone running down the steps and out one of the doors . She started down to find her prey . " It 's my turn now , you asshole . " Marcus looked over at his wife and could tell that she was stressed and tired . He bent down and gave her a kiss . " Why don 't you stay with them ? I don 't think they would mind if you laid down on that old couch Sydney has in her office . " Sammy closed her eyes and felt the tension from the last hour drain a little from the kiss her husband gave her . " I just might do that . " She smiled when she felt Marcus lean in for one last kiss . " Promise to come get me when things calm down ? " " Besides running a marathon on my bladder he or she is doing great , " Sammy replied and grabbed Marcus 's hand . She brought it up and kissed the knuckles . " Don 't leave me up there too long . I 'm getting hungry . " Marcus laughed . The only things his wife has really been able to do the past week is eat and go to the bathroom . " I 'll hurry and maybe we can get Dell and Sydney to come with us . " When Sammy got to the door it was partially opened . She knocked and slowly pushed the door to open enough for her to look in . Not seeing any one she walked in and sat down on the couch . " Must have gone to get some coffee or something . " Then she looked towards Sydney 's desk when she heard a soft moan . She got off the couch as fast as a pregnant woman could to see Sydney on the floor in a pool of her own blood . " Oh , shit . " She bent over and felt for a pulse . " Thank God , " she sighed in relief when she felt a strong pulse under her finger . Sammy reached for the phone on the desk and called down to the ER . " I need a doctor stat . We have a gunshot wound to the head in Dr . Kent 's office . " She then hung up the phone and tried to stop the flow of blood . Marcus ran into the room and noticed that way too many people were in the small room . He clapped his hands to get their attention . " Okay , people . If your not here to help , you need to leave . " Slowly the room emptied . Marcus saw his wife standing in the corner holding the IV bags and trying to not lose her composure . He walked over and took the bags from her . " How bad is it ? " Sammy wiped her eyes and took a deep breath . " It 's really only a scratch . She woke up for a second and asked for Dell . " She looked up at her husband . " Do you think Jackson has her ? " Marcus closed his eyes . Not even wanting to think what his partner is going through if the psycho had her . " I hope not . " He opened his eyes and stared down at Sydney . " But I see no other reason for her to leave Sydney like this . " " I think she 'll be okay . The bullet just scratched her above the ear , " Sammy informed her father . " I 'm just really worried about Dell . " " We 'll find her . Don 't worry , " Marcus said as he hugged his wife . " She didn 't let that ass beat her the last time and she won 't let him defeat her this time . " " Well , I 'm going to go and sit with Sydney . I don 't want her to wake up with out anyone there , " Sammy said and kissed Marcus . " See you two later . Let me know if anything develops , " she said before walking down the hospital corridor . At the corner a motorcycle pulled up to wait for the red light to turn green . She flashed her badge . " I need the use of your motorcycle . " When she finally got into the building she sat and listened for where Jackson might be . Her thoughts turned to Sydney and to the fact that she would never get to wake up after a night of making love with the woman she loved in her arms . She stopped the tears before they had a chance to fall . " First , I make him pay . Then I will join Sydney and we will have eternity to love one another . " Slowly she crept across the dirty floor to where an office was . She put her ear to the closed door and smiled when she heard Jackson talking to himself . " Time to play . " She stood up and kicked the door in . Dell walked all the way into the room . The smell of rotten food and old cans of beer , plus the body odor made Dell 's eyes water . " I should 've known to look in the most disgusting place for a worm like you . " " What , don 't you like how I decorate ? " Jackson asked has he walked to a cabinet in the corner . " Oh , well that 's okay . It 's not like you 'll be here for a long time anyway . " He reached for his gun that sat on one of the shelves , but stopped short when he felt the cold barrel of Dell 's gun press against the back of his head . Jackson looked at the dead green eyes that looked at him . Maybe he had made a mistake when he said she wouldn 't shoot him . " You 're a cop . " Dell lowered the gun and stepped away from Jackson . " You know you 're right . " She grabbed the badge from her waist and looked at it for a split second before she threw it at him . " You can have it . I have lost everything that meant everything to me because I was a cop . " Dell stepped closer to Jackson not even listening to what he said . " Now it 's time I do something for myself . " She raised her gun and pulled the trigger and watched Jackson fall to the floor with a hole in his head . " That 's for my family , but most importantly for Sydney . " Dell stood there and watched the lifeless body for quite some time . Her hands started to shake and her knees gave out giving her a closer look at the body . She made it to the garbage can just before she puked her guts out . Slowly she stood up and dusted her hands off on her jeans . When it hit her that the nightmare was over , but the terror of losing Sydney will always be with her . Now in a total rage she began breaking everything that wasn 't broken . She stormed over to where Jackson 's body lay and started to kick and scream . " Why did you have to chose me ? Why couldn 't you have just left me alone and let me have a nice life ? Why ? " Kick . " Why ? " Kick . " Why ? " After a few minutes her rage turned to sorrow . With one last kick she walked out of the room and headed for an exit . It had started to rain while she was inside , but she didn 't notice . Dell walked up to the motorcycle and dug into her pocket for her phone . She dialed a number and waited for the person to pick up on the other end . " When will you be coming back ? " Marcus asked as he started to pace . He had heard Dell sound so defeated before . To say it scared him was an understatement . " I don 't think I will be coming back , " Dell replied as tears ran down her face . " He stole the last thing I loved more than life itself . I won 't put you or anyone else in harms way again . Give Sammy a kiss good bye for me and let the rest of the family know that I appreciate them letting me become part of the family , " she finished and almost hung up the phone when Marcus asked about Sydney . " I trust you to give her the best funeral she deserves , " Dell whispered just loud enough for Marcus to hear . " Give her a rose for me . " She hung up not able to continue the conversation . " Dell ? Dell are you still there ? " Marcus yelled with no success . " She hung up on me , " he said to Sammy with a look of total shock . " She thinks Sydney is dead . " They broke apart and smiled at each other . Marcus wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and laughed a little . " Now you better get going . " " I 'll do that . Bye , " Sydney said and closed the door to the car . She walked quickly to the front porch and sat the groceries down by the door . She turned around and watched the tail lights fade into the darkness . " Okay , Syd , let 's go find Dell , " she said out loud to herself . Not bothering to knock she turned the handle to the door and opened it . The sight made her take a deep breath in and hold it . Cans of beer and bottles of liquor were lying everywhere . The smell of old stale alcohol assaulted her senses and nearly knocked her out . " What have you been doing to yourself ? " Sydney asked as she slowly entered the cabin . She saw some windows off to the right and quickly opened them . Not caring if the rain got through the screen . Sydney tripped her way through the living room and made her way to the kitchen . " Well , I 'm glad I brought groceries , " Sydney said as she opened the refrigerator and saw only more alcohol . She took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " I can just imagine what kind of state you are in , love . " " Okay , that 's done . Let 's go find out where you 're hiding , Dell , " Sydney said as she walked to the door that she suspected lead to the bedroom . She grabbed the handle and opened it very carefully . " Dell ? " Sydney whispered as she stuck her head in . The bedroom was just like the other , cans everywhere . The bed looked like a bunch of bears had come in and torn it to pieces . Not seeing Dell , she walked all the way in and looked around . She noticed a door halfway opened and saw it was the bathroom . She knocked and pushed the door open the rest of the way . The stench that hit Sydney made her run out to the front porch . A bolt of lightening flashed across the sky illuminating the area around her . That 's when she noticed a still figure standing on a dock staring out across the lake . " Dell , you 're in so much trouble . Standing out in a storm like this . " Sydney walked out into the cold wind and rain . She slipped all the way down the path to the lake , but caught herself before she hit the ground . " I really hate the rain . " She stood behind Dell and watched her for a few seconds . She could tell by the way Dell stood that she was deep in thought . When another bolt of lightening went across the sky she noticed a glint of something metal was in Dell 's hand . Wondering what it was she started to walk closer and then she heard Dell start to speak . " I don 't know if I can do it . The pain is so hard to deal with . My every waking moment is of you and my soul can 't live with out you , " Dell said to the wind and the rain . She bent over and grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel 's and took a long drink . When she was done she tossed the bottle into the lake . " I doubt I will join you where you 're at , but I can 't be here without you . " Dell raised the gun she had in her hand and pointed it at her head . Tears ran down her face . " I love you , Sydney . " Dell heard someone yell . She turned and saw a dark figure running across the dock . She lowered her hand and hid it behind her back so the intruder couldn 't see the gun . " Who are you and what do you think you 're doing on my land ? " Dell asked . Pissed off that she had been interrupted . Dell was stunned . Here before her stood the woman she loved . The woman that she saw lying dead in her own blood . " It can 't be . I saw you . You … you 're … dead , " Dell stammered and stepped backwards to get away from the ghost she saw in front of her . " No , I saw all the … blood , " Dell replied and stepped back one more step . She was right on the edge of the wet dock . The wind blowing the tears that ran down her face to mix with the rain that dripped off her hair . " I saw the way you looked lying on the floor in a pool of your own … blood . " The sudden movement startled Dell and she lost her balance and fell backwards into the icy , cold lake . The effects of a week 's worth of alcohol and little if any food made Dell 's body go into shock . She gradually sank to the bottom . Sydney fell onto the dock . She tried to grab Dell 's arms before they went under but she was to slow . " Damn it . " She took off her jacket and shoes and jumped in to where she last saw Dell . Sydney took a deep breath and dunked back under the cold water . The visibility under the water was terrible . She swam to where she thought Dell would be . Not seeing her , she started towards the surface then a glint of blonde hair caught her eye . " Dell ? " Sydney yelled as she broke the surface . She turned the limp body around to where she could see Dell 's face . " Come on , love , don 't you leave me . " Sydney tried to feel for a pulse , but her fingers were to cold to feel anything . " Damn , come on Dell . " She slapped Dell 's face again and again trying to get a reaction . " Open your eyes . Damn it . OPEN THEM ! " She yelled at the top of her lungs . Dell 's mind heard Sydney as she yelled at her , but her body wouldn 't cooperate . The mind numbing cold and the need to just leave it all behind was too great . So she just went deeper into the darkness . " Oh , Dell , you can 't . You just can 't leave me . I love you , " Sydney sobbed as she tried to keep the limp body on top of the water . " I love you so much . " When Dell heard Sydney crying and saying she loved her , her heart couldn 't stand it and decided for the rest of her that it needed to fight . The darkness started to fade and the haze in her brain lifted . She opened her eyes and looked into sadden blue . " I love you too . " Dell lay under the warm blankets Sydney had put on the bed . She watched Sydney pick up the garbage that she had accumulated during the past week . " Sorry about the mess , " she said shyly . Sydney walked over and sat on the side of the bed . With a finger she lifted Dell 's chin so that she could look into her eyes . " It 's not a bad talk . I just want to make sure that if anything ever really does happen to me that you won 't decide to end your own life . " " Well , as you can see I 'm very much alive , " Sydney said as she caressed Dell 's cheek . " Seeing the way you reacted when you thought I was dead really scared me , you know . " The memory of Dell as she brought up that gun sent shivers down her spine . Sydney swept Dell into a hug . They both cried for what they almost lost and for what they had been given . " I will always be here . If not physically , then in spirit . Our souls are connected and will always guide us back to each other . " Dell nodded her head yes and walked slowly to the bed . She took off the gloves and threw them on the ground . She kicked the boots across the room and they landed with a thud . The ropes that tied the apron came loose with one tug and it fell to the floor . " I see something I love , " Dell replied with pure desire . She lifted on of Sydney 's legs and began to kiss each of the tiny little toes . Then she kissed over the top and made her way down to the soft thigh . Dell lay on her stomach between Sydney 's legs . With one hand she moved the material away from the dark curls . She could see and smell what Sydney offered her . With the tip of her tongue she licked the moister off the swollen lips . " Damn , you taste good . " Dell used her other hand to open up Sydney so she could get to what she wanted most . Slowly she sucked in the harden clit . She felt Sydney 's body convulse at the stimulation . With one last lick , Dell let go and kissed her way up to Sydney 's mouth . She stopped at the perfect breast and ravished them before she continued up to the delicious mouth . " Help me get my cloths off ? " Dell asked in between kisses . " Oh , well I guess I 'll have to get you some more from my closet , " Sydney replied as she ran her hands over the strong bare shoulders and down to an exposed chest . " No bra . I like . " Dell lowered herself so she was nose to nose to Sydney . " I love you with ever beat of my heart . My soul cries for you when we are apart . " " Okay . " Dell sat up on Sydney 's stomach . She held one of her hands in her own and turned serious . " Sydney Kent , will you do the honor of becoming my wife , my best friend , my lover for all time ? " Sydney tried to stop the tears . " You are already my best friend and my lover . It would be my greatest gift to you to become your wife . So yes , I 'll marry you and spend the rest of my life with you . " Sydney started to unbutton Dell 's jeans . She wanted to feel all of Dell 's skin on her as they made love . " Let 's get these off of you . " " Yes , let 's . " Dell stood up on the bed and lowered the jeans . She watched Sydney as she followed every move she made with her eyes . " You want to help me ? " Dell asked . Knowing what the answer was by the hands that eagerly tugged on the clothing . Sydney took one last lick and leaned back down on her elbows . " You look so sexy standing like that . I couldn 't help myself , " she smirked . Dell kicked the jeans the rest of the way off . She lowered herself down to Sydney . " You , my love , are the sexy one . " She ran her tongue across Sydney 's lips . " I want to watch your face as you come all over my hand . " Dell caressed her way down to Sydney 's stomach . She kissed her along her pulse point on her neck and up to her ear . " I love you . " Sydney ran her hands across Dell 's strong muscular back and down to her ample butt . She squeezed the flesh and brought her knee up she could feel Dell 's wet center . " Oh … you are so wet . " Sydney lost her breath when she felt Dell enter her with two fingers . She started to rock back and forth . The muscles inside her grabbed on to Dell 's fingers like they were her lifeline . " Yes , yes , yes , that 's it Dell ! " Sydney screamed . Dell was lost in her own sensations . The feeling of Sydney 's leg as it rubbed against her clit drove her crazy . She knew that it wouldn 't take too much more and she would go over the edge . Sydney wanted Dell to come all over her hand just like she was about to come all over Dell 's . She grabbed a hold of Dell and flipped them over so that she was on top . Then she reached in between and inserted two fingers into Dell . " Know we can come together , " she whispered into Dell 's ear . They lay there covered in sweat and breathing hard . Sydney rolled off of Dell , but pulled her close so that Dell 's head rested on her shoulder . " God , I love what you do to me . " They spent the rest of the day making love . The phone interrupted them some time during the early afternoon . It was Marcus wondering how things were going and to let them know that Sammy was in labor . They promised that they would both head back the next day to see the new edition to the family . |
But I recall the name of Lieut . R . C . Knaggs of the Sixth Pennsylvania Cavalry , he being a warm and loving friend of my father ; that of Colonel Charles W . Tilden of the Sixteenth Maine Infantry , though I do not remember the part he played ; that of Colonel Rose of New York , who dug the tunnel when the prisoners escaped from Libby Prison ; that of Colonel A . In my mind I can see my father and hear the stories , but now many incidents and most of the names and connections are gone . This part of the story that I tell is the part that I know , is the part I was in , and I shall try to tell it absolutely as it was . I have not verified a single date except the date of my father 's parole . Some men and incidents may have come before or after in this story but I tell it as it appears to me . I find that the impressions made in my very earliest days are the most lasting and vivid . My father was magnanimous , but had his faults , though his virtues far overbalanced his imperfections . I look upon Mr . Lincoln as having been a great and good man : my father said so . I look upon General Grant as kind and considerate , doing what he considered his duty : my father said so . There are others who were connected with that great struggle Then comes a distinct and decided recollec tion . I remember going into the front room upstairs ( a room that faced the street ) and seeing a lady with her hair cut somewhat short - not quite touching her shoulders . She looked so tired and wild ! She had on what I thought was a dress belonging to my mother , and a very long - legged pair of boots made of soft leather . She caught me in her arms and strained me to her breast , weeping all the while and saying she had a little boy just like me . And ah , how tight she held me ! What made the greatest impression upon me was seeing my father cry . I remember my father distinctly from that day , and he told me afterwards that the lady was a " Yankee spy , " and that he had brought her to his house that night so that she could rest instead of going to a cell in some prison . Her name and fate is unknown to me , for though in years grown to manhood I would talk of that recollection with an inquiring stress in my voice , my father never thought proper to enlighten me , and I never asked him the direct question . I remember Buck , a stout black lad who was older and bigger than myself . Buck was my property , and Alice , a little black girl , was also mine . I remember Buck and myself hav ing Alice in a tub and pumping water over her to baptize her , which was a disastrous and fatal affair to Alice . I remember my boy friend C . C . , who lived " round the corner , " and with whom I was not allowed to play . This same boy , when the War was over - the War , the great leveler - helped me in those dark days to pick up corn which the horses had left , and which we ( my mother , Fanny and I ) pounded and crushed , and used for food . I remember Yellow Tom , and Tom the hostler , Fanny 's husband , and Lawrence the carriage driver , who was always mean , and the boy who opened the gate : these stand out prominently in my memory . They must have been close to me . My Mammy died just before the surrender , and her remains lie in our graveyard . Much , if not all , of my supersti tion and fear of ghosts to - day was implanted in my infant mind by that dear and well - beloved black soul . My father was on the staff of General Winder , with the rank of Captain , and was . assigned to duty at Libby Prison , as commis sary . He had dark hair , was very strong and active , and had eyes so mild and blue , and such a merry twinkle when he laughed ! But when he was angry they turned dark , as dark as his hair , and flashed . His hand was so soft yet so very strong that when it held mine I felt I was safe from every evil on earth . Major Thomas P . Turner was Commandant of Libby Prison and lived at our house . As I remember him he was rather an undersized man , very quick and active , and had a sharp and decisive voice . He and my father were dear friends and companions . I think a child is apt very often to estimate correctly a person 's character and disposition , and my recollection of Major Turner is that he was very kind , but very positive . I remember going to Libby Prison one day , and walking up the whitewashed steps , so high and wide apart that I could scarcely step up them , and the whitewash on the wall looked so white , and would scale off if you touched it ; and it had such a funny smell . It made me sick . When I reached the top of the stairs , a soldier was there with a gun , but he let me pass . Then I saw a man with a book in his hand , and he kept hollerin ' out some thing , and all the Yankees would holler back at him ; some of them would say " Here , " and I looked to see what was there , and some would say " Present , " and I just couldn 't exactly understand it , and I felt very tired . I think I had many friends among the Yankees , but I didn 't care to talk that day : my head hurt , and my legs were very tired . I went downstairs , and into a little room in the corner of the prison which they called the of fice , and laid on a bed , and that whitewash was in there too . Then there came into the room a young man that I knew very well , and who was my great friend , Ras ' Ross . 1 He had the dearest face that ever looked into a child 's eyes . He rubbed my head and said I was " a sick soldier , " that he felt sure I would have to go to the hospital , as all sick soldiers did , but after much persuasion on my part said that as I was " such a good sol dier " I might be permitted to go to my father 's house instead of the hospital , and that was the last I remembered for many weeks , for it was the beginning of a danger ous illness - typhoid fever . Ras ' Ross was the first to see me , and to tell me the news of the army , and of lots and lots of dead Yankees lying in a row with their boots on . But he thought they wouldn 't be buried with their boots on , and he had his eye open , and constantly open , for a pair of boots that would fit me , and " come up past the knees . " That he was very anxious for me to hurry up and get well and come to the Prison , that he needed me to help him about some things , and that the prisoners wanted to see me also . Then I recall the day I was propped up in the carriage , and had so many pillows all about me , and Fanny , my mother 's maid , held me , and Lawrence had to drive very carefully , so as not to " jolt " me ; and then when we reached the Prison I saw my father and the soldiers standing at the door , and Ras ' Ross , with that precious friendly smile of his ; and he lifted me out of the carriage and carried me into the office , and there , lying on the bed , was the most beautiful pair of boots on earth ! So soft , and with legs that came " up past the knees . " And he was quite sure they didn 't come off a dead Yankee either . I had heard so much of " cold water parties " that I was promised when I got strong that I should go to one . And at last the night " really and truly " came , and with my gray uniform on and with boots that came " past the knees " I went with my father and mother . There were lots of people there , but ever so many more ladies than gentlemen . I sat on a sofa that had a high back and was set against the wall ; and a beautiful lady with curls talked with me , and she really thought my boots were just as good as any General Lee had . All that I saw the people doing was talking , and dancing , and presently I saw a young man come in , and everybody seemed so glad to see him , and he was such a nice - looking man , and so jolly ; but he had on a gray coat that came nearly down to his heels , and that looked funny . He seemed to know everybody , and everybody seemed to know him , and to want to talk to him . He told me he would like to trade boots with me , and , I think , offered me great inducements , and told me that if I decided to trade just to tell my father , and he would let him know . I do not think I was very contented afterward , for the young man was so companionable and easy to get on with that I thought I would like him next to Ras ' Ross , and was sorry to disoblige him . I must have fallen asleep on the sofa with the high back , for when I woke next morning I was in my own room and bed . I felt that I had missed most of the party , but my mother told me that I had seen all that there was to see . Shortly after this a terrible accident occurred . I remember that I was not allowed to go up - stairs any more in the prison . It seems that orders had been issued , since all those prisoners had made their escape , for no one to go and stand at the windows . If they did , they would be shot . It was suspected that the prisoners had been giving and receiv ing signals from persons outside that aided them in their escape . Well , , one day , late in the afternoon , a Mr . Woodis ( or Wood - ice ) a Southern soldier or sympa thizer , was upstairs , and , either not knowing the order or forgetting it , walked to the win dow , and the guard on duty outside im mediately shot him . I did not see him shot ; but I went that night with my father to Mr . Woodis ' house , and saw many anxious and excited people , and heard such a strange sound coming from a room that I was not allowed to enter . It was a sound that I can hear to - day when I think of it - a sound that I think I shall never forget - the moist , crackling , rattling sound in the throat of a dying man . Some time after that I missed my father , for he was away many days . My mother told me that he was away with the army . One morn ing ( it was clear and crisp , not a cloud in the sky - I remember that although as the day advanced it turned warmer ) I heard many guns a - firing , I saw much confusion , and all of a sudden there came a tremendous crash , louder than all the thunder I had ever heard in my life all put together . The house shook , the windows rattled , and some were smashed . Flatnosed Tom , who had been in the back - yard clap - ping and dancing , seemed cowed , and Fanny said the magazine had ex ploded . I wished then so much for my father , for I felt sure he could stop this noise and con - fusion . I stood with my mother at a window , and saw many soldiers marching , with their guns glistening in the early morning sunshine , and all dressed in blue . I knew they were Yankees . My mother stood and looked and said : " Our homes are gone , our homes are gone ! " Then I stood at the front gate and looked for my father . People were passing , and all seemed to be in a hurry , some rush ing one way and some another ; and there was ever so much smoke : and the air looked dull and heavy , but clear ; and with all the noise and con - fusion everything was so quiet ; but there was a muffled roaring sound , which must have been the fire that was burning Richmond . I saw people with bundles , and one old lady passed by with a lot of cloth in her arms , one end of which was dragging on the ground . An old lame negro woman had her arms full of cloth , and some of it was silk - blue silk with a white stripe in it . It must have been silk , because it glistened in the bright sunshine . And then presently I saw men that were drunk and boisterous . I saw some men running from Yankee soldiers ; and then soon the Yankee soldiers came to our house , and the house was full of them , and they went into all the rooms and looked into the closets , and moved the furniture , and one got on top of the wardrobe and found a bottle of brandied peaches , and sat there , with his legs dangling down , eating the . My mother told me they were looking for my father . Then all went away except some soldiers who were left as guards , and these were stationed all around the house . The one at the back door step was a very nice sort of a man . He said he didn 't mind staying there at all as long as he had pleasant company , and that I was very pleasant company . I was very much dissatisfied when my mother did not ask him in . I recall no more incidents until my father came in one morning , and said he had been away fighting the Yankees at Sailor 's Creek , and that he was going up to the Capitol to surrender . I did not think it was a good idea , but was somewhat reconciled when he told me that General Lee had surrendered , for it was bred in the bone of the Southern children that General Lee could do no wrong . I remember how my father looked in his gray uniform that morning , after it was brushed and cleaned . He looked pale and worn , but his eyes were so kind and blue . He , my mother and myself , went to the Capitol and into a room that had a railing around - part of it . At a table behind the rail ing a good many Yankee officers were sitting , with papers scattered all about , and there were also a number of men outside of the railing . After my father had spoken a few words , an officer who was sitting inside jumped up and pulled off his coat to tight my father , and one soldier who did most of the talking told that man , pretty loud , to put his coat on . My father 's eyes turned dark , but he said nothing , only laughed at the other man . I was terribly frightened , for I saw so many swords and pis tols , and my father had none , and it seemed to me that all the soldiers got very angry when my father laughed . Then I heard some more talking , and presently several soldiers with bayonets on their guns stepped in , pretty quick and lively , and started to take my father away . And when he kissed my mother , a soldier jabbed him in the hip with his bayonet , and that was the last I saw of him . It must have been that week that my mother went to see General Lee . I remember that his door was opened by his daughter , who said , " It is very doubtful whether the General can see you . " But it was only a short time before the General came in . After shaking hands with my mother , and not forgetting to shake hands with me also , they sat and talked about my father . He , it seemed to me , saw no hope for what my mother asked , and said , " We must continue to endure . " Much has been written and is written about General Lee which , if he had the censoring of it , would be expunged . We are apt to let our love and feelings run away with our judgment and discretion and to say and write much that is not in good taste when writ ing and speaking of him . But there was an indescribable something about that man - a force that has left , and will forever leave , its mark upon the pages of time . That was the second time I remember speaking to him , and he looked so tall , so kind , so strong , so gentle , so tired . And when he said , " We must continue to endure , " the words , the look , the inflection of his voice made such an impression upon my infant mind that I think then and there was implanted in my heart forever the sense of duty . I did not know the meaning of the word " endure , " but he said it in such a way that I knew it meant to me to be brave and true ; and as each year is added to my life , it means something stronger and grander in the formation of character , and in doing one 's duty . His hands were tied , yet he healed and helped , in the best way one can help , with strong genuine sympathy . He had to leave us , and when my mother left his house , she was crying softly and said " Hope is gone . " It must have been on a Friday or a Saturday that my mother went to see General Lee , for it was on Sunday ( well do I know that ) that she went downtown and took me with her . She had on a dark dingy dress ( I think it must have been alpaca , for to this day I cannot see alpaca but what a feeling of sorrow comes into my mind ) and a veil so thick and black that I could not see her face . I was much per turbed by her appearance . People seemed to be aimlessly walking the streets ; it looked as though they must be all gone to church , yet it was long past church time ; it was in the afternoon . My mother told me not to speak to any one that I knew , and we walked and turned many corners , and I saw streets that were new and strange . Presently we came to that part of town that was familiar to me : it was near Libby Prison , and we stood on Main Street , and oh ! such a crowd of people was around the prison , and there were tents in front of it ; and as we walked on and drew nearer , I could see the windows crowded with our soldiers , and they were talking and talking , and I could hear a distant and rum bling roar ; but I could not understand what they were saying . Hanging out of the windows , and held in the hands of our soldiers , were many strings ; some made of rags , some of suspenders , pieces of stocking , or shirts , tied together to reach the ground . My mother told me to go nearer the strings . I saw women tying bread and other things to eat to the strings . Some of the women had little baskets , some only had little bundles , and some only tears ; and the sol diers in gray would pull the food up and reach out with long skinny hands through the bars , and there would be so many hands reaching out that sometimes the food would be knocked off . I saw two men , both dark - haired , reach out and get what was on their string , and walk back in the dense crowd back of the windows . There was a pale sickly - looking man with light sandy hair who was talking and imploring for food ; he said , " Lady , tie to my string ; I 'll stand right here and divide it before your eyes . Those two last men did not divide . Trust me , lady . " And he did divide , and how his hand shut down on the food as it came up ! The first piece he gave to the man on the right , the one standing at the farthest corner of the window , and he clutched the - food and ate it like a ravenous beast . There was such a clamor at one time that a Yankee officer came out of the office and grabbed the strings , and jerked and broke a great many . The women wept and the men wailed . It was not long , though before more strings were out again . Then some one told me that " that lady over yonder " wanted me , and my mother was cross because I had stayed too long . Then she said , " Now pay attention , and listen . Your father is starv ing . " At which remark I set up such a howl that it attracted the attention of those standing around . I sobbed , and there came a feeling of pain in my throat , and I had the hiccoughs ; and my mother said : " You are my only hope , and you are going to fail . " At that I somewhat controlled myself . Then she told me my father was in the dungeon , and I can see her now as she trembled when I wouldn 't let her talk until she told me what the dungeon was . She told me that the dungeon was a cell underneath the ground , and that there was an opening ( the area ) in front , through which one could look into the cell . I remember how particular and earnest she was . She said : " Go to that win dow , " pointing to it , " and tie something to eat on the strings for the soldiers , and while you are tying to the strings , drop some on the ground , and kick it with your foot so that it will fall into the hole at the dungeon . " I remember doing just as she told me , and seeing my father 's face looking through the bars , way back in that dark hole , with eyes so big , star ing , and not saying one word - looking so white , looking like I had never seen my father look before . The food fell in the hole , and he had to put his arm through the bars to get it . Some fell so near to the outer edge that he couldn 't reach it , and I started to bend over and shove it closer , when he shook his head . I was just five years old then . Oh , I remem ber that day so well ! Forty - five years have passed , but I can see the tents , see the crowd , hear the rumble , the buzzing sound , the roar - something I had never heard before , and pray God I may never hear again , the roar - the roar of hungry men . It was some time before I saw my father again - perhaps a month . One night ( it was very hot and there was a thunderstorm ) I was asleep on a pallet , when amid what seemed like much talking and bustle I was awakened , and saw my father in the room . My mother was getting water and towels . I was awake several minutes , and saw my father taking off his rags . It seemed a dream , but then I could - hear him talking . I sat up and spoke to him . He would not let me touch him . He was so dirty and smelled so bad , and the wound on his hip which had been made by that bayonet the day he gave himself up was an awful thing to look at . I can see my mother now , sponging it with hot water that had been heated on the little fireplace , and asking him why he had not washed it . And I heard him say , " Madam , I have not had water enough to drink , much less to wash with . " He was hurrying , and he said , " Hurry up , hurry up , " many times . I saw him take the back of a knife and scrape the wound out , and I saw white , live , crawling worms fall on the floor , and I saw my mother , tearing up underclothes for bandages ; and as fast as his clothes were taken off they were thrown into the fire . Fanny came in with a friend of my father 's . I heard my father tell his friend to " go as quickly as possible , and get Sumpter . " Sumpter was a magnificent bay stallion , with perhaps more than a local reputation for speed , and belonged to my father . He was kept by my uncle to avoid confiscation . My father said , " I 'll meet you at the Bridge . " The gentleman asked " Why are you out ? " My father said , " I escaped . I have not much time to talk . During the War an officer es caped from the dungeon by cutting out an iron bar . There was no iron to replace it , and I had a wooden one , painted to resemble iron , put in its place . To - night I cut it out during the thunderstorm , with a knife my wife had sent me , and just after a flash of lightning I slipped out and passed the guard without his seeing me , and reached here a short while ago . But hurry and get he horse . My wife will tell you all the circumstances . " The gentleman left , and after he was gone my mother asked my father where he was going , and he told her he could not tell , and not to send him any mes sage or communicate with him , that he would try to let her hear from him . He said she should get to bed as quickly as possible , and put the fire out . Without being told , I began to gather up the trash on the floor , and throw it in the fire . My father held my mother tight in his arms for an instant . He kissed me and rushed out of the door , saying " Get to bed , " not having once said to me , " Don 't tell you have seen me . " My mother told Fanny to go back to bed at once , but she would not , and remained helping to burn up the litter and clear the room . Finally Fanny went , and my mother burned up everything as fast as possible , and told me to lie on the pallet again , and said : " Pretend to be asleep if any one comes . Don 't say you have seen your father . " She con tinued to poke and punch the fire : In a short while there came a trampling of men and horses outside the house and I could hear the clatter of the horses ' feet on the bricks , and then a tremendous knock ing at the front door , and all the doors . My mother had not had time to dress , and was still in her nightclothes . After what seemed a long time she raised the window and asked , " Who is that ? " and some one said , " Open the door ! " The scuffling and pound ing was going on all the time , and just then the downstairs door gave way with a splinter ing and crashing sound , and I could hear men rushing in and talking , and some seemed to be giving orders . Some had lights , and I remem ber that an officer had a little block of matches in his hand , and would cut them apart with his knife . He was standing at the door of my mother 's chamber . He was certainly a kind and considerate gentleman . He asked my mother was she " Mrs . Turner , " and said , " I wish you would get up . I am sorry to have to remain in the room while you are dressing , but I am compelled to do so . " My mother sat up in bed and said , " What is the matter ? What has happened ? " He said , " Never mind , madam , you must get up at once . " She said , " Please call Fanny , " who , however , entered about this time , seeming to be little more than half awake , and much excited . She had a flannel Balmoral over her shoulders as she came in the room , and she made a shield with that skirt while my mother dressed . After being partly dressed my mother insisted on knowing why the officer and the soldiers were in the house , and he said : " Madam , your husband has escaped , " and my mother said , " Thank God ! " The officer told her he was sorry , and kept telling her so , but that he had to search the house . And every nook and corner inside of the house and out , it seemed , was searched . While he was standing at the door with a light in his hand , I could see on the carpet those white crawling worms that had come out of my father 's wound . No one had asked me a question , but at the very first moment anFanny was a tall , distinguished - looking ne gress , about the color of a light chestnut , with a curl in her hair instead of a kink . She was very intelligent , and could read , write and sew beautifully . She was kind - hearted , faithful and true , and stayed with us for years after the War . She stayed after all the others - even her husband , who , however , came back after a long while . Fanny ate what we ate ( when there was anything to eat ) and shared what we shared , our sorrows and our joys . The next morning , quite late , my mother and I went to the house at which my father was staying , and he was in the parlor , and the shut ters to the parlor closed . It was very dark and close . He told me some of his experiences during the time of his freedom . He said : " I went to New Kent County , and tied Sumpter in the woods , and went to the house of a friend . " I do not recall the name , but it seems to me it was Crump . He said , " I told some one to go to the house and tell Mr . Crump that a gen tleman wished to see him . " When Mr . Crump came out , he expressed great astonishment at seeing my father , and asked him what he in - tended to do . My father said that Mr . Crump rendered him every assistance , and sent a mes sage for him to his brother , Mr . Samuel D . Turner , in Charles City County , to be on the lookout for him . That night my father reached his brother 's , and they decided that the best place for him to hide was in the barn , so they burrowed a hole deep in the hay , and my father would remain in that hole all day , and would come out at night after the servants and children had retired . After being there several days , my uncle saw my father one morning about daylight standing outside the barn , and said , " Dick , this is very imprudent ; you should be in the hay . " My father told him he had decided to leave at once , that he had had a dream that had made such an impression upon him that he felt he must leave . He then told his brother that he dreamed that the Yan kees came there , went directly to the barn , came up the loft and at once went to the hole in the hay and took him out . My uncle thought it rather foolish to leave such a good hiding - place ; but my father was so much in earnest that he would not try to dissuade him . So they went into the woods about half a mile , to where Sumpter was tied , and there they bade each other farewell . Either that day or the next , or about that time , the Federals came within sight of my father , and at once gave chase . They were near the Chickahominy River , and my father immediately plunged his horse in , and began to swim across . Sumpter seemed to be labor ing too much , and he jumped off and caught the horse 's tail , and landed safely on the opposite side of the river . The Yankees were on the other bank , and were continually firing , but did not seem disposed to cross the river . Sumpter scrambled out , and in a play ful mood ran away from my father , whereupon the pursuing party , seeing this condition of affairs , put their horses to the river and started across . The horse must have been intelligent , for he turned and came to my father , who immediately leaped upon his back , and said , " Good - bye , Mr . Yank . " He remained in that neighborhood for several days , until all the arrangements could be made for his getting away for good and all . The plans were that he was to meet and join General Jubal A . Early and Major Thomas P . Turner in Canada , and he said : " I am going to start in the morning , and it may be a long time before you see me again . I cannot say how long - it may be for years . " All of a sudden , while we were sitting talking in the darkened parlor , there was a sudden flash of light through one of the shutters . My father jumped behind the sofa and told me to go out and see if any one was outside . I did so and returned and told him there was only a little colored girl . We spent the remainder of the afternoon in writing and tying up papers . I think I must have gone to bed before my parents , and late in the night or early in the morning ( it was dark ) I was awakened by hearing my father say : " Stand back ! Stand back ! " He was out in the hall at the head of the stairway , and in his night clothes . I heard him say , " The first man that comes up these steps I shall kill ' Now if you will wait till I can dress , and my wife can dress , I will deliver myself to you . But I have two pistols , and I shall kill you as fast as you come till I empty them , unless you do as I say . " They took him at his word , and waited . He dressed and laid the pistols on the bureau , kissed my mother , held me in his arms , and never saying a word , kissed me and kissed me , and his face was so wet . That was the last I saw of my father for eight months , and I really never saw him again as he was , for he was then an erect , black - haired , blue - eyed young man . I stood on the sidewalk where he put me down , and looked and looked at all those soldiers with the yellow and red on their uniforms , marching away with my father . I have since been told by my father that he could have succeeded in getting away , as all plans were made and perfected , but that he could not resist coming to Richmond to see me and my mother and bid us farewell , with the consequences above stated . For several days all seemed to be in a dread ful state of woe and depression at our house . We had little or nothing to eat , and our friends were in the same helpless condition as we were . I had always been the inseparable companion of my mother , and I have a feeling that up to that time she had never left me , or I her , but during the days that followed I sat on the back porch steps in the sunshine , a little mite of a boy , alone in a deserted house ; for Fanny , the only servant we had , was hardly ever to be seen . My mother found out in these days of search what had become of my father . He was confined in the state penitentiary , which was under Federal jurisdiction and located in Richmond . The penitentiary was a long , long way from our house . My mother and Fanny got out an old buggy from the carriage house ; it was such an old dilapidated vehicle that it had been left as not worth the trouble of being confiscated . Some old harness that they pieced together and tied up with strings was put on Sumpter - on Sumpter the stallion , that none dared drive save my father or an expert horse - man . And that horse , through hot and cold , rain and shine , sleet and snow , day after day , pulled my mother and myself in that old ramshackly vehicle , when oftentimes the harness would break and fall at his feet - pulled us day after day for eight months to the penitentiary as gentle as a lamb . Sumpter also was our friend . He is dead now , and I often make a pilgrimage to the grave where he lies , under a flowering dogwood near the banks of the James . The first morning that we reached the peni tentiary I felt awed and strange . We drove through streets that I had never heard of or seen before , some with low squatty wood houses , some with no houses at all . We went down into the bottom ( it looked as if we were going . into the country ) and presently we reached a little hill , and as we ascended a great big brick building hid all the sky . Just before you reached the penitentiary there was a sud den and steep rise , and there was gravel in the roadway , and it was wider in front of the gate ; and a great big double iron gate was set back in an alcove . These iron gates would clang and sound so lonesome when they opened and shut . There was a room to the left of the entrance , and a soldier marched back and forth before those awful gates with the iron bars , the gates that clanged when they were opened and shut . We sat in the buggy and looked and looked . And we sat there so long , and said nothing . We saw not a friendly face . After a while my mother said : " You go and ask that guard if he knows anything of your father , " but I was so afraid of that guard , and so afraid that he might stick me with his bayonet , as the other one did my father ; but I went to him , and when I spoke I found I had no voice and could only whisper . He stooped and asked me , " What ? " and when I recovered my speech he waved his hand to the door on the left - hand side . I went to the buggy and told my mother , and she saw that I could not do more that day , so we left and came back home without any news . The next morning , off to the penitentiary again , and I went that day to the room that was at the left of the gates . There was a little flight of steps , one or two , or perhaps three , leading thereto , and there was a soldier in there , who asked me sharp and quick what I wanted , and when I told him that I wished to know how my father was , he said , " Who is your father ? " and when I told him " Mr . Turner , " he told me he knew nothing of such a person . So we had no news again that day . When we reached home Fanny asked for news , of " Mas ' Dick , " and my mother told her she had heard nothing , and said , " He may be dead for all I know . " We continued to make those trips , and one day I saw a soldier , and , as I remember , his hair was light red , and he was inclined to be stout or thick - set ; his uniform pulled tight at the buttons , and he breathed hard , very hard , with a sort of snort . His face was red , his cheeks had red veins all through them , but the strang est thing was his big nose , which was not the same color as the rest of his face , but was a blueish red , and had cracks or seams on the side of it ; but he had an eye that was kind and smiled . I thought I liked him , and I knew I did when he said , " Bud , how are you ? " I shook hands with him , and he asked what I was doing there , and I told him I came to see about my father , and he asked me who my father was , and I told him , and he said , " Oh , he 's all right ! " and I felt so happy that I ran to tell my mother . Then the sergeant came to the buggy and spoke to my mother , and patted me on the shoulder , and said , " He is a brave little man , " and told my mother that my father was well , and that there was nothing to worry about . What a race to our house we had ! Sumpter seemed to know the good news too , and the sun was shining brighter than it did before . Everything looked so happy , and everybody looked like they had had a good breakfast and plenty of it . When we reached home Fanny was at the gate , and she knew from my mother 's looks that there was news and good news . My mother never waited for her to open the gate , but leaped from the buggy and threw herself into Fanny 's arms , crying and laughing , while Fanny mingled her tears with those . of my mother , who kept cry ing , " Fanny , he 's all right , he 's all right ! " We were all so happy that we went in the house and forgot all about Sumpter , whom we had left standing at the gate , and when some time afterward , we thought of him and went to look for him , he was gone . ( We found him a few squares from home , standing quietly behind a farmer 's wagon , munching hay . ) We forgot we were hungry ; in fact we were not hungry , for that sergeant withThe sergeant and I very soon became great friends , and he gave me a ring that was made from a button , and had a little pearl heart set in it . Some days we would see him , and then some days we wouldn 't - sometimes it would be so that he could not speak to us , but he would give me the friendly smile that said , " All right . " I became so well acquainted with him that I told him my name was not Bud , but Will , and he said , " All right , Will , I 'll not call you Bud again , " but he did , to the end of our acquaintance . I did not know that his nose was made of wood till my mother told me ( his own having been shot off during the war ) and she cautioned me never to speak of it , and not to look so intently at it as she had seen me do . I remember the great - and consuming desire I had to tell him that there were big cracks on the side of it . I think I showed greater self - control about that nose than I ever did about anything else in my life . One morning the sergeant ( Sergeant Clacker was his name ) , told us that Captain X - was in charge of the penitentiary . ( I do not wish to give pain to anybody , and therefore I will not give this man 's name , but he was from the 20th New York State Militia , a native of New York , and prior to the War a char - coal dealer . ) I do not know how long he had been in charge , but the information conveyed to my mind was that Captain X - was not friendly . For twenty - five years after the War , and till about ten years before my father 's death , I never heard him speak of that man without saying , " I shall kill him if I ever see him " ; and X - was the only human being that I ever knew my father to bear malice against for an hour 's time . In speaking of others in authority over him , if he were telling a tale or relating an incident , and some auditor might perhaps say , " Why , that was harsh treat ment , " or " That was cruel , " or something to that effect , my father would invariably have some reason or excuse to offer in - palliation . But for X - he had nothing but hate ( it seemed maddening hate ) and , as I have said , this never ceased till about ten years before my father 's death ; and then , in talking , he would simply call his name . Ofttimes there would be days that we would not see the sergeant , but he had told us , " If anything happens you shall know it , " and we were ' fairly contented . Very many times I had seen the commandant , but he had never deigned to notice or to speak to us . One morning while we were sitting in the buggy , he came to my mother and said : " Well , madam , I suppose you have come to see about your husband . He was hanged this morning , and that should have been done long ago . " My mother did not shriek nor faint , but turned as white as chalk , and calmly asked : " Can I have his body ? " " No , madam , " he replied , " that deserves to rot as he caused others to rot . " The next morning the sun was hardly up before we were on our way to the prison , and I felt when I saw the great big brick building rise into view that I was looking at the face of a friend , for it still held my living father . I do not know that we saw Sergeant Clacker that morning , but perhaps we did ; at any rate , we saw him soon afterward , and he had nothing to say about the commandant , but told my mother that he would keep her informed , and not to worry ; but that he could not be seen talking to her any more . Without going fur ther , and dwelling upon this recollection , still harrowing to me , any more , I will say that the commandant repeated his dastardly deed a second and third time , and each time it might perhaps have been as painful as the first , but that in some way Sergeant Clacker always managed to be about ; and I can see now the smiling face of that good man with his blueish - red wooden nose , standing back and making some kind of sign that all was well . After a while we found out that Sergeant Clacker was in trouble . It seems that there were a great many visitors from one part of the country and another , coming every day to see " The Libby Lion , " as my father was called , and that he was ill with typhoid fever about that time , and orders had been issued that none were to see him . One day a lady came and asked to see " The Libby Lion , " and Sergeant Clacker informed her that she could not , and she replied that she would see him , as she was the wife of Governor or General So - and - So , to which he , being harrowed and incensed by certain things , replied : " Madam , if you are the wife of the Almighty , you cannot see him . " I expect he received a serious repri mand , for when I again saw him he would only give me a half - friendly nod , but that was enough to tell me that all was well . By this time I had become so familiar with the outside surroundings that it was my usual practice to wander round the front of the building , and I would often stand and look through the gates . It seems to me that I knew every column , every tier , every brick , to the left hand of the penitentiary looking in ( for I knew my father was on that side ) . It was invariably - the custom of my mother to sit in the buggy . Sometimes we would remain longer or shorter periods , - sometimes for hours , - but she never left unless she had some informa tion , or saw it was useless to wait any longer . One morning I went and stood at the gates of the penitentiary , and then , as they were open just a little bit , I went in and walked to about the middle of the court of the enclosure , looking intently all the time for my father . I saw men walking about in front of the first row of cells ; and some cell doors were open , and some shut , and I wondered if my father was in one of those that had the door shut . The first tier of cells was several feet from the ground , and , I think , had a railing around the outer edge . I saw an old gray - headed man who was having something done to his hair , but I paid little attention to him , and walked past . I reckon I must have been fifty feet from him , when all of a sudden I saw the bar ber pushed away , and that old , bent , pale , emaciated , gray - haired skeleton of a man exclaimed , " My boy ! " While I could not recognize the wreck before me as my father , yet I knew the voice , and I ran out of the enclo sure at the top of my speed to my mother , screaming " I have seen my father ! I have seen my father ! " Sergeant Clacker was out - side and saw it all , and either went to blow his nose or do something with it ; anyway , it came off , and he was holding it in his hand as he said : " Yes , madam , and by God you shall see him , too . " With that he marched us in , and we saw and touched what was left of my father . We were guided in a very triumphant and defiant manner ( as it seemed to me ) to my father 's cell , which was a long narrow room with a brick floor , and the bricks in the centre of the floor , the long way , were worn away . There was one iron bed without a mattress , and a stool , and the cell was bare and cold . We found him lying on the bed , and my mother spread her arms about him , and just kissed him and rubbed his face . I would not touch him , and had to be forced by my mother to come to him . I heard him tell her of so many sorrows , of so much suffering . I heard him tell her that one day there was some work going on in the yard in front of his cell , and that he looked over the bars at the top of the door , and saw a tall post being set in the ground , and the knocking and hammering began to worry and disturb him very much , and the more they knocked and the more they hammered , the more disturbed he became . He asked the commandant late in the evening what was being built , and he told him it was his gallows , from which he was to be hanged next morning at daylight . He told her of the agony of that night , how he implored the guards to take a farewell message to her ; and how , when the hammering began again next morning , he found out that after all they were only building pigeon boxes . He told her of the coarse food he had to eat , of the stinging bitter cold and how he suffered from it , and how he walked hour after hour back and forth , up and down the cell , with his feet shackled together . " That , " he said , " is what wore the bricks away " I found at the back of the bed , on the left hand side of the room , a little piece of paper stuffed in the wall , and nearly the same color . I started to pull it out , but he saw and stopped me ; and then he told my mother that there was a hole drilled through the wall , and that it had been done with a pen . There was in the next cell a murderer by the name of Shields , and Shields had drilled a hole through his other wall to the next cell , where was an Englishman named Pole , a military prisoner like my father ; and they had some plan of escape ; but Shields had said he would kill a certain man ( his accomplice , who had turned " State 's evidence " ) and so they had to give up the plan on that account . He told of being ill , and how a blacksmith had to come and cut off the shackles from his ankles , and how he was getting worse all the time till a Polish doctor came - a kind man who had been ever so long in prison in his own country - and he had the shackles taken off , and my father removed to the hospital upstairs . He told also about the commandant coming and asking how he felt , to which my father replied , " I feel like I am in heaven , " and the commandant said , " When you should be in hell ! " and " This is too good for you , " and had him reconveyed to his cell . My mother said nothing , but just knelt at his bedside with her arms about him . I do not remember any more about my father being at the penitentiary . Very shortly after our visit the commandant was super seded , perhaps by Lieutenant R . C . Hoysratt , 20th New York Militia . Orders were issued to reconvey my father to the Libby , and he was carried there in an ambulance escorted by six guards . He was placed in a cell fronting on Cary Street , and in the large room upstairs . I recall seeing him but once while he was at the Libby . He had very kind treatment , and permission was given my mother to see him either once a week or once a month . Captain Dick Winder , who was in the peni tentiary as a military prisoner , had a message conveyed to my father to get him ( Captain Winder ) a gallon of French brandy . Now I reckon that French brandy in those days was about as scarce as radium is in this day ; any - way , there was a great scuffling , and the brandy was bought ( it cost four hundred dollars ) and was sent to Captain Winder . He had the lib erty of the prison , and would sometimes sit in the office in the evening and talk with those on duty at the time . There was a special officer whom Captain Winder had in mind , and one evening he invited this man to have a drink of brandy , and diligently set to work to get him drunk . At the opportune moment , Captain Winder asked him what was going to be done with Turner , and the officer replied , " Why , hang him , of course ! " Captain Winder said : " On what grounds ? " and the officer said : " In that safe are enough charges against him to hang a dozen men . " As a very special favor he offered to show him one or two . Captain Winder continued to ply him with brandy , and very soon had his man under the table . Then he opened the safe , took every charge out , and burned them up in the stove . These charges , it seems , were of all sorts and kinds - charges of cruelty , starvation , and pretty nearly every - thing one could think of , furnished by anybody and everybody ; but the Governor of Ohio , who had been a prisoner in the Libby , notified Mr . Johnson that when my father 's trial took place he ( the Governor ) would come and testify in favor of him , as many others did , also . After this Captain Winder sent word to my father to demand a trial at once , and the great Mr . Johnson put the legal wheels in motion , and my father was released upon his parole the 18th day of June , 1866 , fourteen months or more after Lee 's surrender . |
When Peter got to the hotel , the first thing he did was taking off his shoes and socks . He massaged his feet for a while after arriving , checking if it was as bad as he had imagined . He had some blisters on his foot , probably because he had used the wrong shoes or the wrong socks or who knows . The point was he couldn 't walk anymore so he decided to shower in order to freshen a little bit and then go to bed . He decided to sleep naked , as the rest of the body also ached from the long day and he wasn 't planning on doing anything special the next day . He wanted to be comfortable during the night and that was a nice way to be at ease . The weather was nice so he wouldn 't feel cold at night or anything like that . Just five minutes after getting into bed , he was already asleep , dreaming some wild story were he had to run and do many things that he would simply not do in the current state of his poor feet . All night long he tossed and turned and pushed his pillows to the ground and pulled up the covers and then down . He couldn 't stop moving and he finally woke up when his body felt the smell of smoke . His senses were not very good but he was certain it smelled as if someone was smoking right there in his room . He looked from one side of the room to the other and couldn 't see were the smell was coming from , if that makes any sense . He came out of bed and suddenly the room 's main door was pushed open by a group of men with flashlights . Poor Peter fell backwards and looked like a turtle trying to get back up . He had hurt his back and the men had to help him up and tell him to go out . With a hand on his back , the man obeyed and walked towards the door and it was there he noticed the smoke was everywhere . Maybe he had so many weird dreams because of the smoke and no because of his own head but , yet again , he always had weird dreams . He continued walking down the corridor , barely seeing were he was going , until he hit a wall and didn 't know where to go next . He noticed a fire escape sign on a wall and followed it . The firemen had remained behind , probably fighting the source of the smoke , so he had to go down some dark smelly stairs all by himself . He wasn 't thrilled to do it , especially since his feet hurt and he couldn 't walk very fast . It was just before descending the last step when he heard the voices of many people and realized he had arrived to the lobby , which was packed with people ; probably waiting for the firemen to extinguish whatever fire they were fighting against . It was then when Peter realized he wasn 't wearing any clothes , not even underwear or a t - shirt . Not a towel , not a robe , nothing . He decided to remain there , in the darkness of the stairs and just hear the people talk in the lobby . He got very near the door and heard someone saying the fire was in one of the rooms , not very far from his own room . It was probably because of a smoker , said a man in very deep voice . He blamed the hotel for not having a policy against smoking and letting some people just do whatever they wanted . He also reminded his audience , which Peter couldn 't see , that many children had caused a scandal the night before at dinner in the restaurant and that it was rumored an old gentleman had once peed right there on the lobby . Peter wanted to laugh because that last story had to be false but the man had said it as if he was talking about some very important matter . Even if he couldn 't see him he was sure he knew who he was , a guy that looked at everyone as if they were a bother to him . He had seen him once during breakfast and he thought it was curious that such a large man could blame others for not respecting boundaries . That thought made him want to laugh but he knew he couldn 't . Then , he heard some noise coming from upstairs and decided to hide on one side of the stairs . Thankfully the space was almost completely dark except for the emergency exit signs . Sure enough , about five people were coming down the stairs and a fireman was accompanying them . He assured them everything was going to be fine and that they just had to join the rest of the people in the lobby . They passed very near Peter and opened the door , flooding the space with light for a while . Everyone outside turned to look at the family coming out . It was really unpleasant to hear so many people faking worry , as if they all knew those people . They were a mother , a father and three children , probably the same children the fat guy didn 't liked and he was one of the people to ask if they were okay . It just proved how false a person could be . Shortly after , the fireman attracted attention to him and announce the fire source had been found and that they were close to extinguishing it . After they had done that , sleeping bag would be borrowed for people to sleep in the lobby . Someone asked who had been the responsible for the fire and all that smoke but the fireman refused to answer that as the most important thing was that everyone was alive and well . They were still going floor by floor checking no one had been left behind . He then asked people to be still and let him count them in order to know if someone was missing from the lobby . After all , they had the list of every single person staying in the hotel and they could easily find out who was missing . When he heard that , Peter felt some cold sweat in his forehead . It was obvious they were going to see he wasn 't there and if that fireman had been one of the men that had entered his room , it would seem even stranger . The most obvious thing would have been to come out and just reveal himself naked as he was but he had a better idea : he climbed up the stairs as fast as he could and waited by the door there to check for anyone passing by . When he noticed that the floor was deserted , he came out and started pushing every room door he could . That level wasn 't as filled with smoke as the others but people must have been evacuated anyone . The bad thing was that many rooms had blocked automatically but not every one of them . Some had been left open and the system hadn 't closed them back . He entered some rooms and realized many women were at the hotel because he couldn 't find a single clothing piece for a man . He finally decided to put on some pajama pants he found in one room and just come down like that , with nothing else . Hoping no one would notice their pants on him , he went back down and opened the door to the lobby to reveal … Well , nothing . No one was there . The place looked even more deserted that the floor he had been in before . He had no idea where so many people had gone so he decided to go around the place to see if he could find someone . They weren 't in any of the two restaurants , or in the kitchens . They weren 't by the reception or by the smokers lounge . Finally , he saw some people running by the building and screaming . He understood right then he had to go out and see what was happening . Just as he crossed the doors , a horrible sound flooded the space . He knew he had to run but not why . He followed a fellow runner and just sprinted as fast he could which wasn 't much because of his feet . But he had to make them hurt because his mind knew it wasn 't a time to choose . He ran for at least to blocks until he stopped . Many people were running more but he just couldn 't . His feet were red . He sat on the ground and looked up , realizing why he had been running so much . The fire in the hotel had apparently been much more serious than what the fireman had said . A whole floor had sunk and the top part of the building had collapsed into the other and now it looked like one of those futuristic visions of architecture , the top part of the structure not far from collapsing into the street . It was certainly going down but for the moment it stood there , in an odd balance that everyone was fascinated with . He realized many people were looking at the spectacle besides him and that the people of the hotel were just some steps away . He walked there slowly , sitting on a bench near them . The fat guy was arguing with some lady , a woman was drunk or high or something , fighting against one of the fireman and a paramedic was curing a child that cried incessantly . Peter felt tired right there . So much he closed his eyes and the last thing he heard was : " I have a pajama just like the one he 's wearing " . She decided to check her emails on her smartphone but a strange sound distracted her as she drew the phone out of her backpack . She looked up and stared at the people in the train with her : they were all distracted by their mobiles phones , some others were sleeping or trying to . She grabbed her phone and then heard the sound again . It came from inside her backpack , most precisely from the bag with all the things she had bought at the market . She tried to hear the sound again but nothing happened so she zipped the bag up and left it on the ground . As she checked some messages , she heard another noise , this time from somewhere on the floor . As the wagon was filled with people , it was hard to determine its origin . Kumiko looked at every shoe and foot around her but couldn 't see a thing . " I must be very tired " , she thought . She had been working too hard on her thesis , staying at home for days without ever going out or resting properly . She would fall asleep very late at night and wake up early to investigate and structure her work . Her mother would cook delicious things for her but she never finished any of them . To be honest , she always left more than half of what was served to her because the thesis absorbed her attention . But all that was now on the back of her head . That sound , that strange sound that she could hear every so often , had taken the first place in her list of priorities . Maybe she had gone crazy from so much work . . . But it came again , she could hear it . Not able to stand it anymore , she stood up , her backpack tight on her body and followed the particular sound . Then , Kumiko heard a scream . It was a crazy scream to be honest , she even thought someone was been killed or stabbed or mugged but it was nothing like that . She ran towards the woman that had screamed and she was pointing to the floor . So . . . that was it . On the floor , crawling slowly , was a tiny octopus . It looked wet , slimy and weird . The woman screamed again and Kumiko put a hand over her ear : too much exaggeration for such a small and defenseless creature . He must have escaped the cup the vendor had put him in . And Kumiko had asked for fresh octopus so he had taken it a little bit to literal . She started to reach down for it but then the train slowed down : it was nearing a station . The girl only stared at the window for a single second but that was enough for the tiny creature to crawl very fast and exit through the nearest door . She reacted clumsily and ran for the door , as it was closing . If she had been late for a couple more seconds , her hand would have been caught by the metal doors . Now , on the platform , people were staring at her , which was funny : there was an octopus somewhere in the station and she was the one been looked at . She looked to every side but couldn 't see anything . So she turned around and walked towards the edge of the platform . Well , she didn 't walked too much as a security guard grabbed her strongly by the arm and started yelling at her . He clearly thought she was going to commit suicide . And then she reacted in the worst way possible : she started laughing , which made the scene even crazier . The man yelled even more and she just couldn 't stop laughing . The situation was so ridiculous . And then , over the man 's shoulder , she saw the tiny creature getting on an elevator . She didn 't stay for the rest of the lecture , instead running towards the elevator which doors closed right in her face . Kumiko ran up the stairs , for three floors , until she saw the tiny creature gliding down the handle of some other stairs . She wanted to laugh again but stopped herself from that as it would take a lot of her time . She ran , again , after the creature . Kumiko smiled as she ran down the stairs after the creature : it had been a long time since she had had this much fun . And it made her feel alive to see such a tiny fellow gliding and jumping and crawling . It was amazing to see it , so alive and desperate to keep living . They got to a different platform to the one they had been before and the creature jump right into a waiting train and she did the same but through a different door . As the train began moving , she grabbed a metal pole and rested . She remembered playing with her friend in school , running around and just being young . She missed badly , she missed them so much . Kumiko had invested her life on the thesis and in her career and she had left out all those other important things . The train stopped and she stared through the window . The creature must have left already . No need to chase it . He would be able to fight for his life , hopefully not being stepped on or caught before he gets to a water source . The train slowed down again , this time on Takebashi station . Kumiko began thinking how to get back home from there , when suddenly the small creature jumped out of the train . She ran after him again and chased him to another elevator . The difference was this time she was able to get in with the octopus . The trip towards the street was short but it was enough for her to see the small animal was not feeling very good . Its skin seemed pale and its tentacles were drying . Its escape stunts had taken their toll , leaving it too tired and almost dead . When the elevator opened , they could see car and a street . The creature stepped out first and Kumiko decided not to intervene . It seemed as if the octopus knew were to go , which seemed crazy but the girl was sure something had brought it this far . Then , she noticed were she was and she understood , as the octopus crawled towards the edge of the sidewalk . No , not to throw itself at the moving cars but on the other side . They were steps away from the Imperial Palace . And it had a surrounding moat and that was were the octopus was going . With its last breath , the creature used all of its tentacles to jumo over the railing to the water below . An hour later , she was cooking in her house . Her mother had thanked her for the unexpected present but was disappointed to see Kumiko hadn 't bought her favorite food , octopus . The daughter then told her she had a story to tell her . Her mother smiled and kissed her in the forehead . Suddenly , a dog appeared . He had a collar but I couldn 't see a tag on it or any other human , besides me , nearby . The animal looked at me for a moment and then started climbing the stairs , certainly faster than I would . I decided he was the signal I was waiting for . I inhaled deeply and started climbing myself . I felt it as an eternity and sometimes I could almost touch the steps in front of me . It was insane . I did not stop for a second as I was afraid I might fall but I tried to listen carefully : only one bird seemed to live around here , despite all the trees . I mean , it was a neighborhood enclosed by a forest . The first part of the stairs finally ended . Yeah , the first part . I noticed I had arrived to an upper street but the stairs continued further up . I took some pictures with my cellphone , as it was an strangely peaceful place , and the continued my journey . From out of nowhere , an older man dressed in a bright sport clothing came down the stairs . As we crossed he said : " Good afternoon " . I greeted him the same way and we continued to our destinations . It was not very common for people to greet you on the street , at least not if you weren 't a potential buyer or something . I got to the real ending point of the stairs but did not stop . If I did my feet would hurt even more . Most appropriately , I saw the dog again . That black fur , almost like a sheep , was unmistakeable . What was weird is that the dog was siting down , as if he was waiting for me . When I approached to pet him he got up and walked toward a private path . It was a curved lane belonging to a big house on top of the hill . I could see the house from the point from where I was standing but one had to walk all along the curved lane to get up there . There were no stairs or any other pedestrian access . The dog disappeared and I thought that was the end of my adventure . Well , it was fun . A normal street ended right there so I thought I would go down the hill through it . Suddenly the dog reappeared , now on the high part of the hill , in front of the house . Even more , he barked at me . At first I only waived and turned to head home but the dog barked again . I did this twice more to check my theory : he wanted me to enter the house . And I thought " Why not " . I walked to starting point of the curved lane and noticed there was a gate just a few meters away . When I got there I realized no security guard was there so I just opened the gate and entered private property . It took me only some minutes to get to the garage area of the house , were my furry friend was waiting for me . The moment he saw me , he moved towards some stairs that lead to the main entrance . When I got there , I did what I came to do : took several pictures of the beautiful afternoon and the mysterious place I was in . I took pictures of the house , the curved lane , the lonely gate and the place were the steep stairs ended . I turned and saw a tall black man . It is weird to say this but he seemed perfect , both physically and in looks . His suit was impecable and his face was smooth and his eyes the color of the trees . I took my cellphone out and started taking pictures . Then a new voice startled me and I dropped my phone . I turned around and saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen : she was tall , brunette , big honey colored eyes and skin the color of caramel . The woman smiled . She came neared and then , unexpectedly , she touched my face . It might have been that I was nervous , but I distinctively felt an electrical charge when she touched me . She smiled again and then turned and walked to a cabinet . Inside , there were many bottles and glasses . She grabbed some and poured two drinks . She asked me to sit on a sofa by the window and she sat near me . I tasted the liquid she had poured : it tasted like whisky . And then I lost all my functions , as if someone had shut down my body . I could still see and feel and hear but very faintly . I was slowly going away and there was nothing I could do . |
Manu finished . About 59 , 000 words . What to do with it now ? I guess that is the question . I wish I was more ambitious . But then that 's always been one of my failing . I think it 's a pretty good read . And I have outlines for 2 more additions to this story line . Good luck to everyone else . As Wendel and Sam drove up Bloor Street toward the Six Points Plaza they saw the goons car dive into the ground , it 's tail flipping up in the air . A moment passed . The car exploded . Wendel slammed on the brakes . The cop car slid toward the hole , now a cloud of smoke and fire . The car came to a stop . " Jesus ! " Wendel said , his mouth dropping . He glanced at Sam opening his door . The Canadiana Restaurant exploded . The concussion of the blast threw Sam back into the car beside Wendel . Wendel pulled his arm over his face and turned his head . Debris rang down on the car . A bottle of wine smashed through their windshield . Wendel groaned . He could taste blood in his mouth . He glanced sideways as Sam climbed out of the car for a second time and began to run towards the Canadiana . Wendel struggled to get his seat belt off . It was stuck . " Shit ! " Wendel pulled on the seat belt . It released . He pushed open his door and climbed out . He looked toward the plaza . Smoke billowed out of the restaurant . The crack of timber breaking , floors and ceilings caving in broke the silence of the falling snow . He started to run toward the restaurant . Sam was far ahead of him . Wendel cursed his Italian shoes that slipped beneath his feet . Crossing Sam 's path from Bloor Street , two other figures , boys , ran ahead . They stopped at a figure huddled in the snow . Sam ran up . He looked at the two young boys . He didn 't recognize either of them . He put his hand on the shoulder of the huddled figure . Junior looked up . A baby wrapped in towels lay in his arms . The baby cried . Sam looked toward the restaurant . A tongue of fire licked the sky as the remainder of the roof crashed into the ground floor with a boom . Sam pushed passed the boys toward the restaurant . Before he could get much further , Wendel tackled him . Sam looked at Wendel like someone in a dream . There was no emotion on his face . He tried to push the boys off him . And then something exploded inside Sam Kelly . " Sam . It 's … " Stretch and Ship ran toward the woman . She collapsed into their arms . All three fell into the snow . Sam rose from Wendel 's arms . He staggered across the snow towards them and fell to his knees . He grabbed Margaret and hugged her , weeping . She pushed him away . Mustafa had been sitting in the waiting room for a long time . There had been complications . The doctor had suggested he leave the operating room . Mustafa had never felt so alone . His knee still ached , the doctors had bandaged it , but he didn 't care . There wasn 't enough pain to make him forget . Every decision he had made in his life had been about himself . I 'm gone . He was beyond redemption . He knew that . He tried to pray . He didn 't know how . All he felt was empty . There was nothing he could say to any God . He had walked like a shadow through his life . Now for the first time , he felt real . And being real made him feel empty . The image of Lois 's eyes pierced his side like a spear . Take me . Mustafa released the doctor and nodded . The doctor led the limping Mustafa down the hall . They stopped in front of a window . Behind the window a half dozen babies were exhibited in small cribs . There was one brown baby amongst the lot . Mustafa pointed at the baby . The doctor nodded . Mustafa looked at the miniature version of himself . Mustafa made a face . The baby started crying . Mustafa giggled . The doctor left him . Two policemen walked down the hall toward Mustafa . Mustafa turned . They were coming to arrest him . Mustafa didn 't care . All he wanted was to stay a bit longer and look at his son . He recognized the two policemen . They walked up to him . One of them stood on either side of him . Mustafa put his hands behind his back expecting to be cuffed . One of the policemen pointed to the baby beside Mustafa 's . The snow stopped falling the next morning . It started to melt . Frank O ' Connor woke up in the front seat of his Chrysler with a hangover . He pushed the two empty bottles of wine off him and sat up . There was a drift of snow covering his windshield . Sunlight lit up the snow so that it glowed . A dark figure clouded the melting snow on Frank 's windshield . The figure was eating its way through the snow toward him . Frank O ' Connor leaned forward to see what it was . A woman 's head with long blonde hair pressed against his windshield . Frank screamed . The head was smiling . Frank O ' Connor sat his Chrysler , snow falling all around him filling up the Canada Trust parking lot . He started to remember his youngest daughter 's wedding dress . And then the wedding . Her fiancé got drunk and started to tell his future father - in - law what he really thought of Frank . Unfortunately the groom had mistaken the priest for Frank . The priest was ready to call off the wedding . Only Frank 's intervention saved the day . Frank stared across the blanket of snow at the old folks home and the van parked there . Why were they there ? How long would they remain ? Would I end up in the old farts ' home ? I know that 's where the kids want me . And the wife . God , I think she lost her mind ages ago . She does the same thing everyday and precisely at the same time . Like clock work . And she 'll continue that until she drops like one of those kids ' toys that keeps bashing against the wall until the battery dies . Frank was listening to some old rock and roll . They were playing the Door 's The End . He 'd forgotten how stupid the song was . Frank was about to make himself some hot chocolate when a face smashed against his door window . " Shit ! " Frank fumbled around looking for his keys . I 've been spotted and they 'd sent someone over to whack me . The cops had warned me . God , they might be all around me . Frank glanced from his lap to the window . The guy at the window had this stupid expression on his face , a cartoon expression like when Wiley Coyote runs into a cliff face . " Psychopath ! " Frank fumbled in his lap for his keys and grabbed his cock . " Shit ! " Then he noticed that the keys were already in the ignition . He turned on the engine and gunned it . The Chrysler swirled in the parking lot , banged against a sign , and then peeled out into Bloor Street , swirled again , hitting a snow bank on the other curb and then tore off down Bloor Street . Frank made a quick decision and turned south , gunned it through the snow on the side street , hit Dundas Street and headed east . Moments later he was sitting in a snow bank in the parking lot of the Six Points Plaza . The wheels of the Chrysler spun crazily . He was stuck . Frank swirled around in his seat , looking in every direction . There was no one around . He sat for a long time panting . His chest started to hurt . I 'm having a fucking heart attack ! He didn 't have enough breath to yell . Minutes passed . When Frank regained his breath , when the pain in his chest subsided , he tried to open the door . It wouldn 't open . He tried the other door . Snowed in . He crawled into the back seat and then recalled that the back doors hadn 't worked for months . Frank was marooned . After climbing back into the front seat , Frank turned on the radio . Pennies From Heaven was playing . Calm down . Got to think . He listened to music for some time . A talk show came on . The talk show toasted started to rant on about the ice shields on Antarctica melting . " This could cause dramatic changes in weather . If the water in the ocean rises only a couple of inches major cities along the coasts could see flooding . Most of New York will be under water . Boston as well . The Netherlands will disappear all together . The oceans will cool forcing the Gulf Stream to move south . Northern Europe will see Artic conditions . The Thames will freeze over . Tropical countries could see drought . Brazil will turn into a desert . " A million thoughts raced through Frank 's head . If those fellas were going to find me , they 'd be here by now . Frank decided that there was nothing to do but wait until the next morning . Surely someone would come in and find him . He had enough provisions . The generator still worked and he had a heater . Hell , I could last days here . He took his bottle from under the seat and took a sip . And then he took another sip . His eyes grew heavy . Frank did not know how much time had passed when he was awoken by an explosion . He looked out his window . Across the parking lot on Bloor Street a car was on fire . And then moments later there was a second explosion . The roof of the Canadiana Restaurant 's roof blew off . Smoke leaped out of the building like a tongue licking the falling snow . Debris came down on the Chrysler including dozens of bottles of wine that fell into the snow beside the Chrysler . Some were still unbroken . Frank was able to roll down his window enough to grab a couple of bottles . Jimmy Higgs let out a whoop . He pulled the loose bricks from the wall and shone a flashlight into the basement of the bank next door . When he turned around Montgomery had a gun pointed in his face . Guy stood beside her . A gun shot rang out . A small hole appeared in Jimmy Higgs forehead . For a brief second his eyes rose up to see a black snake crawl out of the hole . Jimmy was dead . Wendel struggled to keep the car running straight . " I just had them taken off . Who the hell thinks you 're still going to need them in April ? It 's all I can do to keep us on the street . " Michael glanced at the car that was headed south on Bloor Street . A dark skinned man was driving . What kind of fool is out on a night like this ? The car slid sideways as Michael made the turn and climbed the slight incline toward the Six Points Plaza . The car hit the hole at an angle , its nose ducked into the side . In the collision David was thrown through the front window . As David passed over the hood of the car , he fumbled in his pocket . It looked like he was waving goodbye . Michael raised his head from the steering wheel . Blood ran down from his forehead . His chest ached . The car exploded . When Wendel made the turn up Bloor Street towards the Six Points Plaza they saw the car ahead of them dive into the ground , it 's tail flipping up in the air . A moment passed . The car exploded . Wendel slammed on the brakes . The detective 's car slid toward the hole , now a cloud of smoke and fire . The car came to a stop . Sam opened his door and was about to get out when the Canadiana Restaurant exploded . The concussion of the blast threw Sam back into the car . Then debris rang down on the car . A bottle of wine smashed through their windshield . Willie Marcus put his son on his knee and took a book from the stack beside him . Willie loved this dream about having a family . He 'd been having the same dream all night . He never wanted it to end . A moment later his daughter ran into the room . She wanted to sit on his lap and hear the story too . Willie picked up his daughter and put her on his other knee . " What story are you going to read us ? " his son asked . " The Three Pigs " , he answered . His daughter squealed with delight . " I like that when the wolf blows down the straw house and then blows the house made of sticks down , but he can 't blow the house of … " Using a crowbar Jimmy pried the wine rack lose from the wall . Some bottles tumbled out of their cribs and crashed on the floor . Then Jimmy put down the pick , grabbed the wine rack and pulled it down . More bottles crashed on the floor . Guy glanced at Montgomery . Jimmy didn 't seem to suspect anything but Guy didn 't want to take any chances . The best thing was to keep him preoccupied . " Just Canadian wine . " Jimmy put his hands on his hips like a man proud of his work . The pose reminded Guy of his father , an arrogant man who liked to remind Guy on a daily basis that he 'd never amount to anything . Montgomery leaned against the far wall , wearing her white gloves , a cigarette in her mouth . Jimmy turned to Montgomery . " We know all about French wine , eh , Crack ? " Jimmy nodded . " Several times , lad . Once on business . Had to bust into a bank in a small town in Belgium . Little hole in the wall called Hamme . The vault was empty . My colleagues failed to discover that all the town 's money was kept in the sacristy at the convent . Taught me a lesson . Never rob a bank in a country where you can 't speak the language . " Jimmy sighed . " Everything you 've heard . And then some . Ever been to France , Crack ? " " Why 'd you cut the telephone lines ? " Montgomery asked ignoring Jimmy 's question . " There 's bound to be dozens of lines down in weather like this . Don 't you worry , lad . Things are falling into place just like I planned . " " Don 't worry about the time , Crack , " Jimmy said . " We 've got lots of time . The restaurant will open late tomorrow if it opens at all . You have to learn to relax , Crack . This is the easy part of the job . The planning is where you sweat . After that all you have to do is put the pieces of the puzzle together . " Jimmy looked at Guy and laughed . " All business , ain 't she ? " He turned back to Montgomery . " You are the most man like woman that I 've ever met , Crack . Don 't you ever have fun ? Just sit back and let your hair down . " Jimmy laughed . He took the flask out of his back pocket . He offered a sip to his partners . Guy declined . Montgomery grabbed the flask and took a swallow then handed it back to Jimmy who took a drink . He put the flask back in his pocket . " Who the hell knows , lad . They haven 't been used for years . When we put in the wine rack , we didn 't bother tearing them out . " " It 's dead , Mrs . Kelly . We could get out of here now , mam . They 're making such a racket downstairs , they 'll never hear us . " " There 's no one out there , Junior . And there 's no time left . This baby is going to come soon . Boil some water . There 's some towels over by the sink . " " I 've never had a baby before . " Margaret grabbed the sleeve of her jacket and bit down on it as another contraction grabbed her . There were tears in her eyes . Junior got up from the floor , grabbed a pot and filled it with water . He put it on the stove and turned on the burner . Then he grabbed some towels and brought them over to Margaret . " God , I 'm starting to bear down now . Look and see if you can see the top of the baby 's head . Turn on the light . " " The hot corner . " Margaret lifted herself slightly and put one of the towels under her . " When the baby comes out , all you have to do is catch it . " " No , " Mustafa responded . But there was something wrong . He was afraid that the gang might see him pass by in the car . God , he did not want to come within a hundred miles of them . Mustafa dared not stop at Bloor Street . He slowed down and took a quick glance in each direction . He couldn 't see a thing . Slowly he made the turn , feeling the wheels beneath him sliding , the tail of the car swinging too far . He turned into the skid and the car straightened out . Mustafa sighed . As they approached the plaza , Mustafa gave the car a little more gas . The wheels began to slip . And then he noticed it . There was a huge hole in the middle of the street . The car began to slowly slide toward it . Mustafa turned the wheel as he gave the car some more gas . There was a bump against the side of the car as they slid passed the hole . " One of those construction signs . We hit it . Everything is okay , now . " Mustafa did not see any point in telling Lois about the hole . Lois had enough to think about . As they rolled down Bloor Street toward Kipling Avenue , Mustafa prepared to make the right turn . The light was red . He tried the breaks . The car would not stop . Instead it began to slide again . He took his foot off the break and let the weight of the car carry them down the slight decline . As they slid into Kipling Avenue , Mustafa turned the wheel and gave the car some gas . The car began to slide sideways out into the middle of the street and into the far lane . Mustafa prayed that there weren 't any oncoming cars . Releasing the gas and turning the steering wheel he managed to regain control of the car . As he softly pressed down on the gas pedal , he steered the car into the right lane . Just as he did he spotted a car barreling down Kipling Avenue toward him . It passed him . He glanced in the mirror and saw it fish tailing as it made a left turn onto Bloor Street and climbed toward the Six Points Plaza . A moment later a cop car came whirling down Kipling Avenue . Its siren was screaming . It too made the same left turn at Bloor Street . There was a second explosion , a much louder explosion . It shook the car . Debris began to fall on the car 's roof . Lois screamed . Mustafa looked all around but couldn 't see anything . He pressed his foot on the accelerator . A white glove fell with a thud on his windshield . There was blood dripping from it . I am near the end of my novel . I have written the final chapters and am now revising each one . And I should be just over the 50 , 000 word mark . This whole thing has been a great motivator ( all deadlines are ) but I could not have done this if I hadn 't a detail outline to guide me . Those who are writing off the top of their head each day must find themselves exhausted most days . Stretch sucked on the cold evening air as if he had a cigarette in his mouth . He walked in small circles . Occasionally he peeked out into Bloor Street and across the street where the van had disappeared . He looked over at the Canadiana Restaurant . Ship shook his head , occasionally blocking Stretch 's access to the telephone . " Can 't do that , man . Junior is working things out . The waitress is still in the restaurant . A cab should be here any minute to pick her up . " " You were on the phone for a long fucking time , Ship . Junior must have said more . It 's not like Junior to just hang up . He would have had a plan . Especially since we 're stranded out here in Siberia . " " Just that the waitress is all banged up . Pregnant , I mean . Baker 's half dozen . Houston , we have a problem . " Ship laughed . " What the fuck … " Stretch cried then walked away from Ship and banged his hand on the telephone booth . He hated it when Ship was trying to be cute . He was never cute . " Ship , don 't start thinking now . " Stretch knew there was more to the tale than his friend was telling him . Ship knew something that he wasn 't saying and now he had decided to mull it over in his mind before releasing the information . Ship laughed . " Do you think this snow will ever stop falling ? My old man was listening to the radio tonight , after the TV cable got knocked out , and they were saying that there was a break in the weather pattern . When the snow stops falling the temperatures are going to drop . Or rise . I can 't remember which . It 's like December all over again . What happened to August , eh ? " " You think that this is the new ice age , Stretch ? " Ship didn 't expect an answer . What would Junior do ? " Hell , we might all have to move to Jamaica . " " Ship , listen to me . " Stretch stepped closer to his friend . His voice was low and measured . He did not want Ship to think that he was judging his intelligence . That would lead to a confrontation . " Junior is in that restaurant with the waitress who works there . She is not supposed to be there now . There are bank robbers on the roof of the building breaking into the restaurant . They may be in the restaurant already . There not supposed to be there . Bank robbers carry guns . Our buddy talked to you . He knows all of these facts . He would not have hung up the phone without giving you some instructions . " Margaret took Junior 's hand and put it on her belly . Junior felt uneasy . Before Margaret had become pregnant , Junior and his friends had hung out in the Canadiana . Margaret had become the symbol of all the older women the boys had fantasized about , all those sexually deprived women in the world who were searching for boy toys . They had speculated amongst themselves what they would do with Margaret if they were alone with her . Now Junior felt guilty about all those thoughts . He liked Margaret . With all that had happened to his family , she had never treated him like a leper . She had been kind . Always telling him to help himself to the donuts in the morning . Sometimes she would make him a sandwich before he left work for home . And she had listened to him , laughed with him when he talked about his friends , held his hands when he spoke about the loneliness of his sister . And now he was touching her body . Not in a sexual way but like her protector . " We 're thinking about calling him Sam . That 's what I want to call him . Sam disagrees . He says that he 'll just end up being called … " Margaret smiled . " I like the name Junior . Maybe we 'll just call my husband , Senior . " Margaret tried to laugh . " Senor Kelly like he was Spanish . " Junior smiled . Margaret grimaced . Another contraction . She bit down on her lip so she wouldn 't cry out . Her hand reached for Junior 's and squeezed it . The contraction passed . Margaret looked at Junior , their faces only inches apart . Guy glared up at Jimmy but said nothing . He carried most of the equipment down the ladder into the restaurant . The place was pitch dark . He grabbed one of the flashlights and looked around for the lights . " Been a long time since I was in this place , " Jimmy said glancing around . " Can 't remember where the door to the basement is . You take a look at the front of the restaurant . I 'll poke around here in the back . " Guy moved down the hall . He was careful this time . He didn 't want any more accidents . Who knows what these people left on the floor ? He recalled one job where he had stepped on a mousetrap . It had broken a toe and scared the life out of him . He opened the door to the front of the restaurant . The restaurant itself was lit up by the snow outside the front window . He had to be careful not to let anyone see his flashlight from the outside . That was one of Jimmy 's orders . Fuck him . Who the hell would be out on a night like this ? Making his way amongst the tables he flashed his light along the walls . He checked out one door . It was a closet filled with napkins and tablecloths . He looked across the room toward the kitchen . Must be back there . Stepping across the room he noticed how quiet it was . When he 'd been in the restaurant before , the place had been filled with noise , customers , music , food cooking . The stillness gave him the creeps . He opened the kitchen door . He flashed his light around the room . Mustafa banged on the door . He was exhausted . He had managed to hobble on one leg across the hydro field and then the block to the house . Lois opened the door . Lois disappeared . Mustafa pulled up his pant leg and looked at his knee . Jesus ! . It 's all blown up like a balloon . Lois returned with a paper towel wrapped around some ice cubes . Mustafa grabbed it and put it on his aching knee . " I don 't want to lose my leg , " Mustafa cried with a wince . Tears ran down his cheek . " It hurts like hell . Burning inside , honey . " " It 's a long story , " Mustafa responded . " God , it hurts like hell . Where 's your mother ? Why couldn 't she take us ? " Lois searched around the sofa . The bottle was laying on its side . She picked it up and handed it to Mustafa . He raised the bottle to his mouth . Lois leaned over and slapped Mustafa across the face . " That 's enough , Mustafa . Act like a man and get in that car and drive us to the hospital . " " Ocean , lad , " Jimmy corrected Guy as they kicked the snow about . It occurred to Guy that some kids might have stumbled over the ladder and taken it . Kids would take anything that was laying about . Guy had once dragged a gas stove home when he was a kid . His mother made him take it back . She was terrified of gas stoves and screamed at Guy as if he had dragged a serial killer home . " There she is , Wheels . " Jimmy picked up one end of the ladder . The snow fell through the holes like cheese through a grater . " Just leave Crack in the car . Her wrist is still pretty sore and she needs to keep her hands warm , lad . Those fingers will be our bread and butter . Keep your thoughts focused on the prize at the finish line . Don 't worry about what you have to do to get there . " A light breeze had swirled in eddies in the alley creating drifts against the building . The snow was up past the back windows of the restaurant . Only the space outside the back door had been cleared away . They placed the ladder against the wall . Guy grabbed some of the tools they would need once they were in the basement of the restaurant and had to start digging through the wall into the bank . He could see now that he was going to have to take the place of Mustafa . He had become the mule . Although he had never killed anyone before he felt as if Mustafa was good starting point . The little shit should be here . When Guy reached the roof of the restaurant , he threw down the bag of tools . Looking around , he sighed with relief . It had been his fear that they would be faced with feet of snow to shovel . And he knew who was going to do most of the shoveling . Guy stepped onto the roof . A moment later Jimmy Higgs stepped off the ladder and stood beside him . Jimmy smiled . " The gods are with us , lad . Look at that . The wind has blown the snow off our entrance . I don 't mind telling you , lad , I was afraid that we might have to spend considerable time and effort in finding and then uncovering our entrance . " " Let 's get the rest of our gear up here and open the entrance , " Jimmy said and reached into his pocket , pulling out a small flask . " Have a sip . I saved it for the work up here . Help take the nip out of the air . " Guy took a sip . The whiskey revived his spirits . Once they had all their gear on the roof , Guy and Jimmy pried open their secret entrance into the restaurant . Jimmy took a flashlight out and shone it into the closet . He spotted a pail of water below . Satisfied that all was well , Jimmy sent Guy back to the van to get Montgomery . When Guy opened the door of the van he found Montgomery using the rear view mirror to put on makeup . " What are you going to do with your money ? " Montgomery asked , smoke slipping out through her lips . And almost effortlessly as if it was the most natural thing in the world , she leaned over and kissed Guy on the lips . " There 's a gang of bank robbers who have climbed up onto the roof of the restaurant . They 're going to break into the restaurant and climb down into the basement . They know all about that wall behind the wine cellar . " " Where are you ? " Junior asked . A gang of bank robbers ! It didn 't make sense . Ship was always screwing things up . He wished he could talk to Stretch . Margaret struggled off the chair and with Junior 's help made it over to the corner . They both sat on the floor . Margaret heard a noise from the back of the restaurant . Outside the wind had picked up . Gusts of snow blew across Lakeshore toward them . It was becoming difficult to see anything when the snow was blowing . And just when Wendel was going to suggest that they call it a night and check out the Canadiana , a car came hurling out of the parking lot of the Miami Inn . Sliding sideways as it turned to speed off , the car smashed against the rear of the cop car . And just as quickly tore off down Lakeshore disappearing in a cloud of blowing snow . Wendel took his time , turned on the ignition again , softly touched the gas . The engine roared . He moved out of the side of the road and , once on firmer ground , made a u turn and sped off after the goons . Sam looked nervous . I knew he was thinking about Margaret . Margaret was a resourceful person . She could take care of herself . I didn 't like women like that . They always underestimate danger and overestimate their abilities . Too damn independent . " Why don 't you call , Margaret ? " We 'd been watching the Miami Inn now for a couple of hours . Our boys were probably asleep already , but I knew Sam wouldn 't call off the stakeout . Once a plan of operations had been decided upon , Sam would not give it up . Ever since I 'd known Sam , I 'd never seen him doubt Margaret . A cop had to trust his wife . He couldn 't worry about her and keep himself out of danger 's eyes . You had to stay focused . That was my problem with Edna . She was always in a state of panic about something . Sam nodded . He took out his cell phone . I kept an eye on the motel . A white van passed between us and the motel heading east along Lakeshore . What the hell is he out on a night like this for ? " Margaret isn 't home , " Sam said matter - of - factly . We waited . I don 't how much time passed . It was hard to tell with all this snow . It was as if we were caught in the moment , like no time was passing at all . I looked down at my watch . Another hour had passed . Sam phoned the hospital . He started to give out Margaret 's name . When he closed his phone I could tell that Margaret was not at the hospital . Then he made another phone call . I looked at my watch . The restaurant should have been closed by now . Margaret should have left . Sam didn 't say anything . He stared across the street at the motel . We slouched down in our seats , trying to get comfortable and waited . Time passed . I couldn 't stand the silence . I needed to talk . Words were like an engine that kept time moving . " I don 't know what to do about Edna , Sam . I think I could get full custody of the kids , her turning into a lush . But it makes me feel guilty . It might put her right over the edge . She 's never done anything but be a mother . Never had a full time job . Doesn 't have any skills . I wanted her to stay home . My mom worked her ass off when we were kids . I didn 't want my kids to come home after school to an empty house . " " Never finished high school . Edna was a real social butterfly as a teenager . Cheerleader , year book , all that sort of shit . Didn 't pay much attention in class . One of those girls who spend more time on her makeup than algebra . And she was good lucking . God , I thought she was a goddess . What a set of legs . I don 't know what happened to them . Cellulite . It plagued her . Why don 't men get cellulite , she complained . Like everything was a conspiracy to make women 's lives more difficult , that men got off scot - free . After the kids came along Edna cut her hair . Used to have this long blond hair that fell down over the small of her back . But once her procreation duties were successfully completed she graduated into the pragmatic homemaker . She got wider . Her shoulders got larger . How does that happen ? I read someplace where old married couples start to look alike . " I shook my head . " Edna isn 't like Margaret . I 've always taken care of everything . She can run up a charge card but she 's never paid a bill . The kids tell me that the house is a mess . She was always a lousy housekeeper . " I grinned . " The sex was always terrific . Until the last couple of years . I think Edna is tired of life . Sometimes I look at her and she has that sadness little girls sometimes have . She looks scared and angry . And I 'm to blame . " " Those cops are still there , brother . Their fucking car is practically buried in snow and still they sit there . What do they think ? That we 're going to rob a bank or something on a night like this ? You couldn 't pay me enough to be a cop . That 's the third time you 've cleaned that thing tonight . " " Well , I threw away our dope , " David said angrily . " The fucking TV doesn 't work . God , this waiting is driving me nuts . " " Go ahead and laugh , brother . I 've got a high sex drive . Not like you . How long has it been Michael . A week ? Six months ? " " Very funny , " David responded . " You know that I don 't have any imagination . Did you see that broad in the club , the strawberry blonde ? " " That Brittany chick . Nice back porch . She used to be George 's girl . Remember George Maybe . Big ugly fellow . Used to be the bouncer at the Diamond . George once told me that Brittany fucked like a rabbit . " My bladder was full . Maybe it saved my life . Standing there pissing away at the back of the van . Snow falling down so softly . I don 't believe in God but if he does exist , he must speak like falling snow . Everyone 's nerves were on edge . I knew that the longer I was gone , the more tensions would rise . But my bladder would not empty . And then I looked down . Footprints . Someone had been standing next to the van . Only minutes before . I looked around . There was no one in sight . I knew I should hurry back and tell everyone what I had seen . But my bladder would not stop . And then I started to think . Maybe it was more than footprints . Maybe it was a sign . I don 't believe in God but I do believe in signs . I started to think about Lois . How scared she must be . About to have a baby . Alone . Maybe the baby was coming tonight . Maybe she needed me tonight . I kept thinking about her eyes . How they always believed in me . But this job could be my only chance to hit it big . I 've always believed that you had to be lucky in life . And being lucky meant that you had to be prepared when opportunity came knocking . But it seemed that I was being drawn between two futures , one with Lois , one with money . A lot of money . Would I stay with Lois if I was rich ? I wish I could have said yes , but I wasn 't sure . And still my bladder was not empty . Steam rose up from piss hitting the back of the van . I turned and zipped up . The zipper nipped my cock . I gave out a cry . And it felt as if I had passed over a divide . On the one side was the van and the bank and danger . On the other side was Lois . I decided to run . A soft breeze twirled around me as if I was being camouflaged in a cloud of snow . I couldn 't wait to tell Lois . I had chosen her . I wanted to yell out loud to announce my joy to the world but there was still danger behind me . I knew that if Mr . Higgs saw me fleeing he would give chase . And so I ran down the line of stores , across Jopling Avenue and across the Canada Trust parking lot , my eyes closed , my mouth reaching up into the sI lay there in the snow , massaging my leg . It was my knee . It was throbbing . I pulled my pant leg up . The knee was swollen . I made a snowball and put it on the knee . Then I peeked back toward the old folks home . I could make out someone at the back of the van . Maybe if I crawled into the hydro field and covered myself in snow they wouldn 't be able to find me . I certainly wasn 't going to be able to outrun anyone . Jesus Christ ! It must be another sign . I had made the wrong decision . What had come over me ? I shouldn 't have left . Now they 'd be coming for me . Dead man crawling . I looked at my knee again . It didn 't look good . I checked out the van again . It was moving out of the parking lot . It crossed Bloor Street and disappeared into the alley back of the alley . Safe for now . But they 'd be coming after me . Not now but later . Mr . Higgs didn 't like leaving any loose ends . How could I have been so stupid ? I don 't know how long I 'd been laying there feeling sorry for myself . That 's my nature . Can 't seem to think straight until I go through a period of sulking . I 'm not proud of it but that is my M . O . I thought of Lois again . She 'd be in danger now . And our baby . Who knows what Mr . Higgs would do in a rage ? I never trusted people who thought too much , who pretended to be in control of their emotions . They were like a balloon that 's inflating . Sooner or later they would burst . You can only keep your emotions pent up for so long . I wanted to run , to hide someplace safe . If I went back to Lois , I could be heading back into danger . But how could I leave her ? Maybe they wouldn 't do anything to her . Maybe they 'd show up at her apartment and feel sorry for her . Maybe Mr . Higgs would have second thoughts . Sure , Lois would be safer without me . But , where else could I go ? There was nowhere else . I gathered myself and started crawling home . " Can 't it wait ? We 'll be going over to the bank in a couple of minutes . You can pee in the alley over there . " Mustafa closed the door and stepped to the back of the van . He started to pee . When he looked down at the ground he saw footprints . Jesus ! Someone has been here . Impatient to finish his pee , he cursed his full bladder . Someone has been here . Probably gone to phone the cops . All this fucking snow . So damn cold . Lois may need me . They 'll kill me if I don 't tell them about the footprints . " That 's great , " Montgomery said . " I knew that little shit wasn 't dependable . Always trying to peek up my dress . Goddamn pervert ! " " He won 't do that , " Guy said . " Mustafa 's on parole . If he calls the cops then he 'll have to implicate himself . That means he goes back to the cooler . " " I mean , lad , that when we 're finished all of this , you 're going to find him . You know where he lives . I want you to kill that little fucker . " |
Linda was not here for 5 days . I don 't think she was even here for 5 hours . Linda 's PSR worker brought her over after school and I gave them the tour . We talked about how she would get home from school . The worker made clear that Linda has only just been allowed out of close supervision . So , no , she can 't walk from the high school to my office with Andrew . I agree to pick her up . We were just moving on to her appointments when the phone rang . It was the social worker . She said she was sorry , but she just realized that I don 't have a state license . She tells me that Linda is a E4 ( I asked Hubby if he knew what that meant and he said , " It means she wears a really wide shoe " ) and federal regulations prohibit her from staying at my house . So she has to go to the teen shelter home in The City . The PSR worker can 't drive her because , though she lives in the city and will be going there anyway , she will also be taking her infant home and regulations prohibit her from driving Linda and her infant at the same time . The social worker could drive her , but only if she can get a health and welfare car to drive ; she can 't drive Linda in her own vehicle . I have no idea why . Then they realized Mandy 's husband was not going to get off work and bring her suitcase over until 7 : 30 , which complicated things to no end . I volunteered to drive her , and they cheerfully accepted . So I guess that is not contrary to federal regulations , even though I don 't have a state license . Anyway , I fed her dinner , which she did not eat because her meds have completely eliminated her appetite , and then she ate Halloween candy until it was time to go . ( What do I care ? I 'm not approved to be taking care of her anyway . ) I drove her to the shelter home . She was okay about it , but got anxious when she saw it . She said it looked " like one of those places where old people go . " " You mean a rest home ? " I have to confess that it does - - although a very new , modern fancy rest home . It is big enough to house nearly 30 teens , though only 9 are there now . Fortunately onePosted by Evan has been getting in touch with his paternal relatives . Much of it has been positive . It looks like the agency is going to buy Evan a plane ticket to go visit one of his older half - brothers , who just happens to be gay . Of course it couldn 't all be positive . His paternal grandmother 's account of his father 's death is very different than his mother 's . Her story and the implications of it are beyond horrible . Evan is devastated . He doesn 't know what to believe or whom to trust . He told me about it , cried , and just left the house . Hopefully it is just to walk and perhaps to have emotional conversations on his cell phone which I cannot hear . It may be a difficult week around here . The new respite girl will be here tomorrow afternoon and will be staying until Sunday . Meanwhile Evan has to sort through this . And the topic for the day is " Aren 't they lucky ? " I found it at Cluttergirl , who references the discussion in comments at The Naked Ovary . We tell people who have suffered a tragedy that they are lucky all the time . Were you in a car accident ? " Wow . You could have died ; you sure are lucky . " We say that to ourselves too , when bad things happen which could have been worse . When tragedy strikes and someone who does not have to help reaches out and pulls us back , we thank them and think that we are lucky . I think it makes sense when when it is the randomness of the act which saves us . Had the bullet been a few inches to the left ; had the stranger with the cell phone not been walking by ; had it happened a year ago before the hospital had acquired the new , life - saving technology . Something happened in the world that might not have happened , but it did and so our lives will be much better than they might have been . But there are other circumstances which seem similar , but are not . Are Hubby and I lucky to have found each other ? Well , sure , I guess . I might not have met him . My life was not saved from tragedy however . Had I not met him I would have had a good life . I might have even met someone else . So it would make sense for me to take offense if someone told me that I was lucky to be loved by him . I would come to his defense if someone said he was lucky to be loved by me . He did not get my love because he was lucky , but because he is deserving of love . Had I not met him , there would have been someone else . I suppose it is characteristic of love to agree that we are lucky that we have our loved ones in our lives and yet deny that they are particularly lucky to have us . Because we love them , we know that the deserve love and we are grateful to be the ones who are privileged to give it to them . People say that about and to my kids sometimes . People tell them that they are so lucky to have found me . The director of the agency for which I work once told Carl , when he had been naughty , that we were a gift from God , that he should aPosted by I just got a call from Mandy . She wants to know if I can take one of her girls ( whom I haven 't yet met ) this week . She needs to drive Jackie to a funeral . I said yes , of course . My life is difficult , but Jackie is suffering a real loss . My problems just don 't look that bad right now . Oh . . . I hope he gets a job . Last night he ate dinner in the living room . An hour later I told him to put his dishes in the dishwasher . He assured me that he would , of course he would . Three hours later I told him to put his dishes in the dishwasher . He said he was sorry that he hadn 't done it already , but that he had been really busy ( watching TV and talking on the phone ) , but he would do it in just a second . When I couldn 't sleep , got up at midnight and went into the living room , I considered getting him out of bed to put his dishes in the dishwasher , but that seemed a little extreme . This morning when he got up I told him to put his d * mn dishes in the dishwasher right now . He said , " Okay , okay . . . I 'm going . Geez . You don 't have to get so upset . It 's not like I left them here to piss you off . " However he did take them and put them in the dishwasher . He just left to go shopping with Hubby . His lunch dishes are in the living room . Why is it the little things that make my blood pressure rise ? Why does it feel like an act of extreme insensitivity ? It makes me so much angrier when he tells me , " It 's not like I do it to piss you off . " I get that he is not plotting to upset me . He is not being malicious , he is being insensitive , thoughtless . I know what I should do . I have a choice . I can either decide it matters to me and take a couple of minutes out of my life and pick up after him ( and everyone else , let 's be fair ) , or I can have some sort of logical consequence for leaving dishes all over the house and then enforce that consequence in a matter - of - fact way . But part of me thinks , " Why should I have to have a blasted behavior modification plan to get a 19 - year - old to put his dishes in the dishwasher after I ask him to do it ? " So I want him to get a job . I want him out of the house . I don 't want him to be home every minute that I am home . I want a break . Yes , I know , my fuse is short because I am dealing with the fact that he is going to be leaving and it is easier to be angry at him than to feel sad . Mostly I have resisted thePosted by For the past few months , Evan has asking me to reassure him that I will not get a new kid right away . He has wanted me to tell him that we will take a break . His feeling has been that if a new kid moves in right away that will make him feel that our house is something akin to a factory , and he is just one more widget . I have told him that we will take the next kid when the next kid comes . We have always said it was about the right kid , not the right time . I have also told him that we have asked for breaks in the past because the last few months with kids were tiring and we needed a break . If we did take a kid right away that would be an indication that he was easier on us . ( Also an indication that all my therapy paid off , but I don 't tell him that . ) That did not make a difference to him . He still wanted for us to take a couple of months off . I understand why he has felt that way , but it doesn 't change anything . We will not turn away a kid who is a good fit for our family because Evan prefers for us to have a respectful period of mourning first . But it does not really matter . We typically have a couple of months between placements , and the social workers have told me that there is no one currently in or applying to the program who fits our profile . The other day I told Evan that I thought it would be cool if they did come up with a kid for us to meet before he left . I would like for him to be able to meet the new kid and I would like for the new kid to be able to meet him . Evan likes that idea . Last night he asked if I was going to do that . Was I going to get a kid soon so that he could meet him ? I 'm having trouble getting Evan to believe that I really don 't have any control over this process . It is not the case that there are always several out GLBT kids needing a home . I cannot go to some web page or file and look up local queer kids and pick one out . Several things have to happen , and not all of them are things I want to hope for . I have to hope that I am not needed , that all the GLBT kids , regardless of how " out " thPosted by I wonder . If I were to post that I had a wonderful , long conversation with a fellow blogging foster parent , how many people would be able to figure out who it was ? Hmm . . . I did not get any school work done , but I can do that anytime . The phone call was worth it . I 've written a couple of whiny posts and saved but not published them . Here 's the brief version : I have accepted that Evan is going . I understand and am even beginning to appreciate the benefits of his plan . I also don 't want him to go . My not wanting him to go is a very basic , child - like emotion . It is no longer complicated or masked by disapproval or irritation . It is pure sadness . I don 't want him to go . I don 't want him to be far away . I will miss him . He will go , and I will try to be happy for him . I will try to be the adult . It is difficult because I feel about three years old . I want to go and curl up on my bed and have a good cry because he 's leaving and I , it seems , am going to miss him far more than I thought I would . You know that he is over - bearing and argumentative right ? He is a real pain sometimes . He monitors my mood and activities constantly . He leaves dirty dishes in the living room , fills up my DVR with junk shows , doesn 't do his chores without being nagged , periodically drives me crazy , makes me horribly anxious with his various addictive behaviors , and uses far too much toilet paper . I mean , he leaves huge globs of toilet paper in the bowl sometimes that clog up the pipes . And I don 't want him to go . And yeah , that is the brief version . He is not leaving for five and half more weeks . ( I 'm tempted to put up one of those count - down clocks on the page . I am going to be calculating it in my head otherwise . Might as well have the computer keep track of it . But I don 't know where to get one and people normally use them for events they are happy about . ) I need to pull myself out of this mood . I just can 't keep feeling like this for weeks . On one hand I really like that I finally have a kid moving out in an orderly and planned way . On the other hand it is rather like having a bandage being pulled off very slowly . Cause , you know , it is all about me . So here are other things that I think about : - Throwing him a going away party . He said that he wanted everyone to go with him to the airport . His flight leaves at Posted by Evan just called , " Hey , Yondalla . Can you come pick me up ? I 'm done with school . " As in done . As in the last class . as in . . . . . HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE ! ! ! Well , there 's paper work , but he 's done . Independentsw writes : I don 't know . . . it seems like something is missing in this " best model . " I 'm notsure what , though . What causes them to finish growing up ? Simply time ? Or dothey have enough maturing experiences in these situations ( Radical Faeries , Scotland program ) to finish growing ? If you could offer Evan a longer - termplacement in your home , would it be possible for him to finish growing up there ? Why doesn 't Job Corps work for so many kids - - it also offers room , board , andmoney in exchange for work ? As you can tell , I don 't have any answers , onlyquestions ! I am wondering also if part of the attraction of the Scotland programfor Evan is a chance to work on / resolve his own family issues ? Just a thought . . . I don 't have answers either . Just thoughts . Part of the struggle in imagining solutions is that they solutions always have to be prefaced with " given that . " Given that people who aren 't yet ready to parent will continue to have children . . . Given that we live in a society in which we fail to support families in crisis . . . Given that our foster care system is over - burdened in every way . . . You get the idea . So I don 't know how to answer this question , " If you could offer Evan a longer - term placement in your home , would it be possible for him to finish growing up there ? " I don 't know . I know if I were to say to Evan right now , " You could live here indefinitely if you don 't go to Scotland . " He would reject the idea . I did offer him the opportunity to stay here for the upcoming spring for his first semester of college and he did reject that . I don 't know what might have been the case had when he moved in I said to him , " You can stay here as long as you are working or going to school , until you are ready to live on your own . " Instead of , " You can stay here as long as you are going to school , and for a couple months after you graduate . Your social worker will help you come up with a plan after that . Don 't worry , we won 't be in any big hurry to push you out . You will have time to figure out a plan . " Would he be staying now ? PerhapPosted by That 's what I just said to the new social worker . Evan 's worker just showed up to take him to lunch and discuss his plans . She brought along the new hire . She is older than 's Evan 's worker , which is a relief . She is taking over most of the current worker 's case load , but not Evan since he is nearly done anyway . Evan 's worker recently got married and we were talking about the last name problem . She 's hyphenating . The new worker said that a couple she knew made up a name from each of their last names and that is what they and their kids have , " They 're two moms , so there wasn 't any obvious thing to do . " She snuggled our kitten and asked its name . Evan said that he did not like it when people give really strange names to animals . She said reported that she had had a cat named " Sushi " . " But someone else named her . And she was eaten by a raccoon . Sushi became sushi . " Yep . I 'm gonna like her . I hope the next kid is hers . Gawdessness in her post this morning , The Dark Bits Around the Edges of Things , wrote about many things , but included there is a passage about dealing with a child who is able to turn off affection . David was , no , is , like that . Reading Gawdessness ' post has made me think about it living with that reality . I want to be clear , Gawdessness 's post made me think about all this , but this is about me and my relationship with David . I don 't know about you , but some of the smallest things can upset me the most . Andrew responded poorly to his immunizations . His two months shots made him cranky . I gave him ibuprofen in advance of his four months shots . Even so , his little leg got hot and swollen . He was miserable . I think I held him and rocked him for almost 24 hours straight . As long as I did not move him suddenly , or touch his leg , that was all he wanted . I can still call up that body - memory of him on my shoulder , accepting comfort . Even then I knew that though I was full of concern for him and I wanted his pain to be over , I also found caring for him deeply satisfying . He was hurting . I comforted . He was comforted . I was satisfied . It is not everything there is to life , but it is part of it . We give our love and , when it is received , we feel good . That memory is in contrast to the times when holding him did not help . He cried . I picked him up . He arched and pulled away and screamed more . And though he was mostly an easy baby and I was mostly a good mom , at that moment I would have a terrible thought . Something like , " Well , if you don 't want me then I don 't want you either . " Or worse . For a moment , I wanted to reject my baby . It is so primal , that need to love and have our love received . Andrew and Brian have been raised in loving homes and they have both rejected my love and comfort on more than one occasion . It is a difficult experience , but it is one moment in parenting . It passes , and we move on . Thank God it passes . Except when you are raising children who have been traumatizes it does not always pass . RAD kids work hard tPosted by The good news for the day : Evan bought a plane ticket to Scotland and . . . . it is a round - trip ticket ! WOO - HOO ! And he bought trip insurance that will send him home early if he get sick . WOO - HOO - HOO ! He leaves December 10 and is scheduled to return July 19 . The bad news : My outgoing mail was stolen . Presumably the teenage girl Evan saw running around the corner after he heard the mailbox clunk was after the Netflix envelop . However she also ran away with 3 months of medical receipts on their way to the flex plan for reimbursement , my invoice for driving Miss E , the request for reimbursement for the car rental this weekend , and the paper work I finally made myself fill out for giving respite care for Jackie earlier this month . All of that is , of course , totally worthless to her but a major pain in the butt for me . On the other hand I keep wondering what her face looked like when she got home and tore open the envelop to find that the wonderful movie she had scored was Black Adder IV , 1989 . I wonder if she likes British comedy ? It was my husband 's disk , of course . Somehow , imagining her reaction makes it almost worth having to re - create all that paperwork . Or maybe I am just in such a good mood over the round - trip ticket and trip insurance that nothing can bring me down . More good news : I got Thursday back ! I was scheduled to do something that I really felt obligated to do but which I really did not want to do and someone who actually wants to do it volunteered . YIPEE . And more bad news . . . although it might not be news . A very nice police officer came by to take a report on my stolen mail . Evan was the witness and so described what he saw . " She was about Beth 's height and about her weight too . " The cop grinned and said , " And she had grey hair and was wearing a purple t - shirt ? " Excuse me ? Grey hair ? I am quite confident that I still have more light brown hairs than grey hairs . Not by much , but still . . . my hair is greying , not grey . There are a lot of really interesting comment on my post Supporting them into adulthood . A couple should be their own posts . If you haven 't read them , I recommend them to you . People bring up a lot of good points . Several point out that we need to be more straight - up honest with the kids . I agree , and I wonder to what extent I have not done that well . For the kids with whom I work though I don 't think that is the fundamental problem . At least Carl and Evan did not get hurt because they were told they were going to get support or help that they didn 't or weren 't going to get . They walked away from assistance they weren 't ready for . Hope4future wonders if they are afraid they won 't succeed ( I 'm paraphrasing ) . I think that is part of it . Right now I think the fundamental problem , for many of the kids I work with , though has been this : though they are legally adults , they are developmentally somewhere around 13 . They need more time to grow up . The rub is that they don 't want to be parented . They don 't want to be accountable to social workers . They want to live as adults . In other words , they don 't want what they need and no one can force them to be take it . On my most discouraged days I don 't think it is possible for offer the kids what they need in a package they will accept . I am still driving Miss E to school . She is a junior who turns 18 in the summer . Because she is in a private agency with the funds , she is doing on - line classes with the goal of being done with high school before she turns 18 . She is willing to stay in the home a little past her 18th birthday if she must in order to finish high school , but not one second longer . She is one of the brightest kids in the system . She says she admires Evan for staying longer . She knows that it is the smart thing to do , but she doesn 't see how she could make herself stay . She wants out . She wants to be on her own . So many foster kids are in systems in which they are not offered appropriate transitional services . The state kids around here all seem to believe that they are rPosted by I think I keep posting the same post over and over . . . but here it is again : " Evan 's really going to go to Scotland , and I have just about accepted except . . . " He 's talking about buying a one - way plane ticket because he is not sure when he wants to come back and besides he does not have very much money and he wants to have a cash reserve for emergencies . Oh to be young and stupid . I told him that if he can 't afford a round trip ticket then he can 't afford to go . I reminded him that fuel prices are volatile and therefore plane ticket prices are volatile . I asked him to do the basic math . I don 't know if I got through to him , but I gave the pitch . It is the short term thinking of youth , I guess . He wants to get there . He will figure out how to get home later . Sigh . Does anyone know anything aboutaltdotlife . com ? Acutally , I know a bunch of you must , because you are coming here from there . It seems though that you have to register to read much of anything , so I cannot find out what is sending y ' all here . I 'm pleased to have you , but can someone tell me what , if anything , they are saying about me at that site ? And speaking of people being sent here . . . One little mention by Trey at Daddy , Papa and Me has resulted in over 100 new visitors . . . in about a week . Thanks Trey . The trip was long . More than three total hours in planes ; five hours waiting in airports ; another three hours driving in cars ; only two hours in the hotel spent awake ; and one hour , forty - five minutes in the training . I realized a couple hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport that Andrew is seventeen and therefore now needs a government - issued ID in order to fly . Driving to the driver 's licensce bureau on the way to the airport ( which of course is not on the way to the airport ) was not on the list of things that I had planned . Still we got it all done . I had a good conversation with the social worker . We talked about what range of kids we were interested in taking . We talked about our commitment to gay kids , and were willing to consider others because , " They have had some really great kids come into the program recently . " We talked about how things were a little better than they were six years ago , and that it might be a while before there is another gay kid who is not being accepted by his / her family . I thought about that idea for a while . What if we aren 't needed ? Well , of course , foster parents will be needed , but what if there is no longer a need for people who are dedicated to gay kids ? Maybe the world is becoming more accepting and kids can come out wherever they are and no one will care . The training session was pretty good . This time there were more experienced foster parents who had been fostering for decades and whose birth kids were teenagers or adults with kids of their own . A couple of them had been fostering children themselves . Andrew is the only kid who was on the panel all three times . The social worker had used her contacts to come up with a local pair teens living with their grandmother who has been fostering , I think , since before they lived there . At one point the grandmother volunteered that the teens did really well with all sorts of kids , " Except for the really promiscuous or gay ones . " I turned to the teens and said , " Why is it hard for you to live with gay kids ? " The 18 - year - olPosted by I had a bad day yesterday . I 've had an undercurrent of sad because Evan is moving away . Oh I can be cheerful and happy , but I know it is there . I know it is there because when something worth getting upset about comes along I take full advantage of it . So when Hubby called and said that autoshop * said that fixing my car would cost about $ 100 more than an on - line car value estimator says I could expect to get for it as a trade - in from a local dealer , I was bummed . I had the distinct pleasure of knowing that we would not have to go into debt because I have not been paid yet for driving Miss E to school , and if I put all the money that they owe me so far I will have most of it . So I walked around telling myself that I was supposed to feel grown - up and pleased that I could afford to pay this bill without affecting our monthly budget at all , and not pout because I had planned on buying new clothes for me and taking Evan out for a nice graduation dinner ( with family ) and still having money left over for savings . So I was feeling whiny and irritated at myself for feeling that way . I was not feeling strong . And then the newspaper called . A reporter wants to do a local story about the evil anti - gay marriage amendment ( although she did not call it that ) . She really wants to interview a local gay or lesbian couple . Can I find one who is willing to have their photo and name in the paper ? Well I can try . An hour later I shut myself in my bedroom and cried . Four times I was told , " We 're really out . All of our friends and everyone we work with knows , but I / my partner can 't be out to every single parent of her students / customers / parents of our child 's friends . We really want to help , but this is a small town and we live and work here and we just don 't think we can take that risk . " And they are right . I thought about about calling the reporter and telling her that Hubby and I would do it . Okay , so we are not a gay couple , but we are PFLAG parents , and we can put a face on the issue . I don 't have anything to worry about , college studentPosted by Okay , I talked with the counselor that Evan and I share . I don 't think that it is a violation of confidentiality to say that her general attitude is that Evan did a good job of taking care of himself . He was panicking at the thought of college and he might have imploded . Instead he came up with an alternative . So far so good . I get it . I accept it . He is not ready for college and he needs what the house can offer him . I just hope he is able to give what the house needs from him . So , just for the record , let me re - state that this is a house were families are sent for therapeutic vacations where they learn to interact positively with each other . A typical family would be one who was poor ( actually they all have to count as being in poverty ) , had a history of some sort of domestic violence , had their children removed and put into foster care , got their kids back , and are now having a difficult time functioning as a family . So they go off to this house for one week where they engage in fun family activities and therapy so that they can bond , etc . Volunteers help everything run smoothly . They do some household chores , participate in some of the bonding activities and play with the children when the adults are in their own therapy or having a break . It sounds like a wonderful place . It seems to me that volunteering there would be a fantastic experience for many American youth . It also seems to me that sending Evan there is taking someone who is terrified of flying and signing them up to be supportive companions to people who are terrified of flying . It would be like me , at nineteen , volunteering in a home for recovering alcoholics . Like a rape survivor working in a center to rehabilitate sexual offenders . Okay . . . maybe that is going too far . However it is asking Evan to work with sympathetically with families who are just like his . He is not to take sides . He can 't get too emotionally worked up . I frankly cannot imagine a situation that will be more emotionally challenging for him . If it were a place for just the youth , then I cPosted by Independentsw asks : I 'm wondering why you don 't see each child all the way through to real adulthood ? Is it that you can 't afford to support them w / o [ the agency ] , or are there other reasons ? This is not criticism , only inquiry . I ask myself that too . I 've been thinking a lot about what we have done and haven 't done and whether we can / should do more to support these kids . In fact I have been working on this post on and off since I read your question yesterday . I don 't , by the way , take offense at the question . It is something that I have been asking myself so it seems worth trying to write about . Allowing them to live with us past the point where the agency would reimburse us for room and board would be a challenge , but I cannot say that it would be impossible . Our budget would be tighter , but we could do that . The thing is , we thought we were seeing them into adulthood . The agency for which we work has what appears to be a really good transition program . With our birth kids we are on our own . We have been assuming that expecting the foster boys to take advantage of the benefits the agency offers while offering them love and support was the best thing we could do for them . In other words , we thought of ourselves as part of a team and thought that the kids were being offered everything they needed , just not from a single source . I still think that is true , but I also think that having the support divided up like that is anxiety - producing for the kids . There are only two boys ( so far ) where this was / is a " live " question : Carl and Evan . So , I am trying to think this through . Carl : I keep realizing that without the emails much of Carl 's story did not get told . At the beginning of Carl 's senior year I would have told you that the next year he would be in college and that he would come home for all the holidays , and probably the next summer too . I did not expect that I would receive room and board money for him during those times . I had visions of sending him care packages , buying him small luxuries he could not afford . I thoPosted by In order to do a log cabin it appears I would need 12 different fabrics ranging from . 5 to 1 yard . Instead I have about 3o + fat quarters ( most have already had a few pieces cut out of them ) and and larger pieces left over from various projects that look just hideous together . So I can 't make a log cabin quilt unless I buy a good bit of new fabric . I found a way to get some use out of all my tiny scraps . All I have to do is by a few yards of solid black to make this pieced star quilt . Maybe I will post a photo of it when I get it done . No promises about when that will be though . So what is going on , of course , is that I have accepted that Evan is leaving in six weeks or so . Something could still happen to prevent it , like being denied a passport or visa or stumbling across an idea that is even crazier , but excepting the unexpected , he will go . And not to school 25 miles away . He will go very far away . When he leaves he will take the quilt I made for him with him , and his room and the bed will be empty . So I will make a new quilt and pretend that I am excited about how it will look in the room . I will pretend that it will fill the hole that he will leave behind . Regarding the trip Evan has so far : Applied for a passport and paid to have it expedited so that he can apply for a work visa to the UKOfficially told the education specialist at the agency to pull his application for college fundingAsked the agency if they will fax to the Scotland house a copy of the criminal background check they did on him last fall * Asked his grandmother if he can live with her when he gets back . She said yes . Called his old employer at the sandwich shop to see if he can get his old job back . He told them that he would only be working until the end of November , but is hoping that they will take him since he is already trained . Started researching credit cards " just in case . " The woman from the agency spoke with Evan on the phone ( Evan says she sounds like Mrs . Doubtfire ) . She is very excited about having Evan but can 't officially say anything until she has called the references and received the background check . Since Evan does not know when he wants to go he is currently planning on buying a one - way ticket . He plans to put aside money to buy a ticket back , but if he doesn 't he will have the credit card . We had another ridiculous conversation the other night where I gave talking him out of it one last try . " Evan , please think about this . Every job you have got you really thought you were going to like and after you had been there a week you reported that you hated your supervisor , the job , the other workers , and everything . " " Right , and what does that tell you ? " " That it is a bad idea to go to a foreign country where you can get stuck if you hate what you are doing . " " No ! That I need to do something different ! " There was more , but that 's all I bring myself to re - hash . I have found begun a place of genuine acceptance . Sure , I would prefer that he went to the technology program in the spring . I think it will be more difficult than he does to go back to school after he gets back . I think he will be homesick and I doubt he will find it as rewarding as he thinks . But as far as emancipation - panic , running - awayPosted by I wasn 't feeling very well ( nothing big ) and came home early . Evan said he knew the kitchen wasn 't clean but he would get it done before it was time to go . After a while I took a nap and he woke me up and said , " Can we leave for school in about 15 minutes ? " " How 's the kitchen ? " " Well , I fell asleep . Can I do it when I get home ? " " No . I can 't cook if the kitchen 's a mess . " He walked off mumbling something . I pulled myself out of sleep , slowly . Put on my shoes , combed my hair . He came back . " I did the bottom rack . " " You need to do the top rack too . " " I 'll be late for school . " Now I swear to God , I really was still in the fog of sleep and I looked at him trying to figure out why that was relevant and said , " I know . " He rolled his eyes and walked away . I came into the kitchen more awake and said , " Since you 're running late I will re - load for you . " " That 's generous of you . " " I thought so . " His mother and sister dropped by unannounced last night . It was the first time that she ( the mother ) had been to the house . It must have been odd for her to be at our house . She was polite and " pleased to meet us . " I had the definite sense though that my catching her up on her son would be unwise . Aside from the fact that he is a big boy and should be communicating with her himself , I don 't think she would appreciate my acting as though I knew her son better than she did ( although at the moment I might ) . I did print off the photo we have of him with his little sister , for which she was genuinely grateful . She was there for one reason : to tell Evan not to go to Scotland . Mostly she just said , " No . You can 't go . " She did try to give some reasons : his history of making impulsive decisions ; the ability to satisfy his stated goals here ; the difficulty of going back to school later . A couple of times Evan asked me to help him out . I told him I was keeping my mouth shut which was as much help as I could be . What was really going on , of course , was just that she doesn 't want her son to go away . She hasn 't been visiting or calling him ( she is currently without a phone ) , but not seeing your son when you could is very different from not being able to see him even if you wanted . After reading Trip and Consequences , Bacchus writeshow tough that must be to put someone you care about on the street . I agree with the decisions , but will you talk about the process you went through to get to that point ? I suppose that is the real downside to not having all the emails from the time . I can just report the events but my frustration and irritation , not to mention anger , are just not there . Even the bad stories are funny . There is a real danger of reading the emails and seeing me as the experienced , calm parent that I am on the way to becoming . Did I even tell the story of how , after he had been with me for six months , I cried in my friend 's kitchen and she offered to take Andrew and Brian for the weekend ? I called the social worker , still crying and said that she had to put Carl in respite that weekend . She said of course and later the family developer told me that that was when he knew we were going to make it . The ones who call after about six months to ask for help always do . I also don 't think I told you about how hard I worked on behavioral plans designed to get him to be more truthful . I had consequences for lies , rewards for the truth . I never told you about the day I collapsed and cried for an hour because I realized that it was beyond my power to change him and for a while I thought that I could not live with him if I could not trust him to tell me the truth . But I loved him and the thought of making him leave broke my heart . So I cried and decided that I was really committed to him - - lies and all . He was mine and he was staying that way . Before I did foster care I would have told you that the one thing that I can 't deal with is lying . Now I know that I can cope with lying , but that I really can 't handle hyperactivity . Still , living with a practiced liar and manipulator is not easy . It means being constantly on your toes . It means constant analysis . It means deciding before you decide anything whether you are going to do something because it is what you want to do it regardless of what the trPosted by The boy with whom Carl had gone on the ill - fated trip with was still with him . They had lived in the housing shelter together and found jobs on the same day . They and another boy found a small house to rent . I just don 't think I can go through the story in any kind of detail . They lived there . They lost their jobs and got evicted . One of them found another job and they moved into a smaller apartment . Carl disappeared for a while and later told me he had been in Chico , CA . It was wonderful there and he was moving . He moved to Chico . He rented a room from someone and after about six months called to say that they were moving and he needed to find his own apartment . He could do it and he knew he had not been in close contact with us , but he was much more responsible than he used to be . He was doing really well . He just could not get an apartment on his own . All he needed for us was to co - sign a lease . We said no . The reason he could not get a lease was that he had left our state with a record of bounced checks and a defaulted cell phone contract . We explained that we simply could not afford to be liable for the rent on an apartment in Chico . He said that he was not asking us to pay the rent . All we had to do was to sign a piece of paper . We told him that if he thought that was all that he was asking us to do then we REALLY could not do it . He was angry . He called me later to tell me that he had only one alternative . There was a commune where he could go live . It was clear to me that this phone call was all about scaring me into signing . I was supposed to say that living in a commune was a terrible idea . It was supposed to upset me . Then he could tell met that if I did not want him living in a commune then all I needed to do was to sign the lease . I told him that the commune sounded interesting , that it might be a very valuable experience for him . And that was almost two years ago . He still lives there . It is not a commune though . It is a retreat center , a sanctuary for Radical Faeries . He is now an official caretaker . I think Posted by Though Carl could have stayed in Job Corps much longer , he choose to complete the shortest program they had in business , basic accounting . He finished the program and got his bonus in the summer 2003 . He came to our house to tell us his plans . He was very serious and said that he knew I would probably think that this was unwise , but he really wanted to do it and he had worked out all the details . He was going to go on a road trip with some friends from Job Corps . They were going to follow Tori Amos on tour . He knew it was rash and he knew that I would probably not approve , but they had figured out a budget . With the money they would get from Job Corps they could do it and he should be back in time to house - sit for us when we left for Maine . He was preparing himself for the lecture . He had all his arguments laid out . I told him that he was right , I did not think it was a good idea . He was taking all of his money and taking a big risk . I would prefer that he stay in Job Corps and do more advance training . They would help him to find a job . He said that he was young and if he didn 't do something for himself now , he never would get the chance again . Now was the time to travel and see something of the world . He would be careful and he had enough money . I told him that I would not rescue him if he got stranded and that he absolutely could not house sit for me when he got back . " Why not ? " " This plan is guaranteed to leave you unemployeed , broke , and homeless . You cannot move in under those circumstances . You must come up with your own plan . " I got a call from someone at Job Corps who was disappointed that he was leaving . He wanted to know if it was true that Carl was traveling to visit his birth father . I told him that Carl did not know for certain what country his birth father was in . So Carl went . He called one day in a panic after learning that they had unknowingly transported a runaway over state lines . He also , predictably , called about 150miles away broke , out of gas , and hungry . I wired him $ 50 . Of course . When he came bPosted by We talked to Carl about options . There were different things he could do . He could get a job and they would help him with rent , for instance . When we talked about that his eyes filled with panic . We took him to Job Corps . He went back and forth . Initially he liked it . He thought he could go there . Other days he said he didn 't think he wanted to go . I told him he didn 't have to . " Just come up with a plan , any plan , and we will do everything we can to help you make it happen . " He would deflate . In the end of course we took him to Job Corps . He went . He liked it more than he thought he would , although he did choose the shortest possible program . He came home at least every other weekend and for all of Christmas break . He made friends . It turned out that there were quite a few out gay guys there . Oh he complained , but it really seemed to be the best place for him . Job Corps is free . It is so free , they give you clothes and an allowance . There are dorms and a cafeteria . They had to get up early , make their beds , and do chores . It really seemed like the best place for Carl and I really hoped that he would stay until he was ready for adulthood . Part 16 Carl had talked a lot about wanting to go to college to study history or religion or something . On the other hand , he was cutting classes and getting mediocre grades . Nothing about him indicated he was likely to succeed in college . All the basic ability was there , but there was no self - discipline . The permenancy agency for which I work has a really good post - high school education funding system . They get kids all the way through whatever college or training they want with no debt . There are some very strict standards for getting funded though . You have to save at least $ 1000 and demonstrate that you can go to school while working at least 10 hours a week . They also will only pay for a local college . Even if you get in , and even if you get good funding , for the first two years they will not help you go to school outside the area . They used to , but every single one of the kids have crashed and burned . The kids who have succeeded have been local and have maintained close connections with their foster families . But that working 10 hours a week was too much for Carl . Filling out an application also seemed to be overwhelming . He signed up at one point to take the SAT , but he woke us up in the middle of the night because he had a horrible pain in his stomach . Hubby took him to the emergency room . They did follow - up tests later but found nothing . It took us a long time to realize that it was a stress thing . So as high school was winding down , Carl had no plan for what to do . He had not applied to school and he was not holding down a job . There was nothing he wanted to do . Nowhere he wanted to go . He started cutting classes . Not a whole lot , but some . He went to detention and then Saturday school . He lied to everyone about his exciting plans for college , and he did nothing . One day I got a call from the school . For about an hour and a half I thought he wasn 't going to graduate . I have never been so furious . It turned out to be a mistake and he did graduate . It is one of his favorite stories . " Remember , Mom , when you thought I wPosted by So Evan reports that his counselor thinks that Scotland is a wonderful idea . She says that it will be a wonderful experience . It would be a good opportunity and it is a very " AA " kind of thing to do . " And she holds a lot of sway with the rest of you . " But then again he thought it was just fine with the director if . . . oh but that is another story . Who knows . In any case he is very excited and very serious . My job as the auntie is to listen , offer unconditional love , give honest feedback and then accept his decision . He expects to leave at the end of November , if he can work out his passport and visa in time . It seems , by the way , that Hubby , the social worker and I are the only people who have reservations about this . His favorite teacher from his high school in The City , his teacher at the alternative high school , his grandmother , his counselor all think it is a fantastic opportunity which he should not allow to pass . Hubby thinks that he is " listening creatively " again . I just . . . it 's so bizarre . A few weeks ago he was talking anxiously but happily about going to the technical program . He was thrilled that about living in the dorms . He was clearly nervous , but it was the plan . Now he is talking about passports and visas . He is going to church with grandmother ( that is BIG ) so he can continue the discussion about moving in with her when he gets back . He should finish high school by the end of October . As soon as he can get the details worked out he will leave . He imagines himself as the patient , hard - working volunteer making a difference in the world and using the regular four day breaks to see the wonders of Europe . He is beginning to day dream about staying for years , living in a country where he will have the right to get married , where he cannot be fired for being gay . I think of the things he has done and said over the past six months . I think that if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior then he will : lecture the chef about how to run a kitchen ; complain about the other staffers not working as Posted by Carl got less teasing by far after coming out . When you are out and someone says , " Are you gay or something ? " in a teasing sort of voice it is good to be able to say , " yes . " For most people it takes the wind out of their sails . For most people . There were a couple of boys though who said things , under the breath sort of things . One was in Carl 's Spanish class . He sat behind Carl and quietly said things like , " God hates f * gs " and " All gays should be shot . " It took a couple of weeks for Carl to tell me . The next day I was in the principal 's office . She was outraged . She promised that she would talk to the kid right away and that any time anyone said anything to Carl he was to come straight into her office and she would deal with it . No one was going to bother any of her kids . I was pleased . I told her that I had brochures from PFLAG and the GLBT youth group . Could I leave them ? She said " No . If those people want to get to the kids they will have to find another way . " The second it was out of her mouth you knew she wished she had not said it . She tried to say something about not allowing any materials from any groups . I sighed and did not ask her about the boy scouts . I was there to make Carl 's world safer and this woman was going to help me on that . Carl did go to her and she was never slow about responding . When two boys called him a name and threw an empty pop can in his general direction at the end of their senior year she told them that if they so much as looked sideways at him again they would have their diplommas mailed home and they would NOT be welcome in the ceremony . When Carl was considering going to the prom with a boy ( he didn 't ) I called to tell her that he was thinking about it and that I wanted her to know in advance so that she could do whatever she felt she needed to to make certain that it was a safe experience for him . She thanked me for giving her some advance notice . But there was one thing that I did nothing about . I wish I had . I wish I had because Carl wanted me to . In Spanish class all the kids haPosted by Carl 's social worker talked a lot about Carl learning to " be safe . " She hoped that the youth group leader would help him to make better decisions . " Being safe " turned out to be code for " acting straight . " She thought that if he attracted less attention he would be less likely to be picked on . That turns out not to be true . Oh I have not done any study , but it seems that the kids who are on the edge of being out - - kids who seem gay and seem to be trying to hide it - - they are the ones who are most likely to be picked on . It is not that I don 't have the same impulse as the social worker sometimes . We all went out one evening and Carl took his new ( and first ) real boyfriend with him . We saw a school play and then stopped for ice cream . Carl 's boyfriend brought his own car and before he got in they kissed in the parking lot . My heart skipped a beat and I looked around to see who was watching . Then I kicked myself . I don 't know whether this was before or after the student being attacked . It was a very difficult autumn for me . I was " out . " I had told my friends , my co - workers . I had not got to the point where I was casually talking to my students and " my son and his boyfriend " but I got there . My worries had nothing to do with my being " outed . " The worries were all about being afraid for him and wanting , as a parent to keep him safe . It was impossible . I knew that it was impossible and wrong on multiple levels to try to change Carl . And I did not want to . I liked him as he was . But keeping him safe seemed to mean that I had to change the whole f * cking world and I had to do it now . It was clearly the only moral choice , but it was still impossible . There was a third option . I could accept the equation - - my son was not safe and there was nothing I could do about it . If I think of myself as a child of my parent and imagine that my parents have these sorts of worries about me ( they don 't ) I think I would be frustrated with them . I would remind them that no one is safe . They are not safe when they get in the car . Danger is everywPosted by In the fall of 2000 , maybe five months after Carl moved in with me I got a call from one of my students who had missed class . He said he was sorry and that he wanted to talk to me about it . Could he come to my office ? Of course . He is tall , an art major , and definitely gay - seeming . He was a sweet boy , liked by just about everyone . He came into my office looking horrible . He started to tell me that it had been really hard for him to leave his dorm room and walk across the campus , but he had to talk to someone and he thought I would understand . The previous evening he had been at a frat party and was having a good time . Eventually he left to go back to his dorm . Someone , not a student , followed him . Once they were on the middle of the campus the young man started yelling things at him , " f * g " and worse . He caught up with the student and shoved him against the wall , yelling at him . When the student tried to walk away , the assailant slammed him against the wall again . A student in a dorm called security and they got there quickly . Though the student was afraid he was about to be beaten , it never got worse than that . We contract for security through the police department . The security officers are not full police officers , but they have been recruited and trained by the department . They asked the student to file a report , but he refused . All he wanted was to get back to his room , where he had stayed until he made himself leave to go to my office . The security personnel took his name , found out that he was in the military , and told him that he would be arrested for trespassing if he showed up on campus again . The worst part , the student said , was that he couldn 't make himself look the assailant in the face . That meant today that he could hardly bring himself to look at any man . He wondered about everyone he saw that he did not know , " Is that the man ? " He was trembling and crying . He kept saying that he didn 't know why , but he felt safe coming to talk to me . He knew I would understand . He didn 't know Carl . He did not know that Posted by How many codependents does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one - she keeps flipping the light switch repeating " This time it will come back on " How many recovering codies does it take to change a light bulb ? None . They detach and let the lightbulb screw itself . How can you tell you 're at an Alanon meeting ? Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up . ( Alternate answer : Someone cries and everyone looks for the tissues ) . How can you tell if a codie has let go of something ? It has claw marks all over it . Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a codependent ? You can negotiate with a terrorist . What do you call a codependent who says ' no ' and doesn 't feel guilty ? HEALTHY . You 're codependent for sure if , when you die , someone else 's life flashes in front of your eyes . you get kicked off jury duty for insisting that you 're the guilty one . you find yourself in a rut - - and move in furnitureyou wake up in the morning and say to your mate : " Good morning , how am I ? " you feel guilty , for not feeling guilty ! your serenity prayer is . . . God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not changeThe courage to change the things I canand the wisdom to figure out what the best way is to manipulate the circumstances and just make him see the light . . . Why did the codependent cross the road ? To help the chicken make a decision . Did you hear about the codependent who flunked geography ? He couldn 't distinguish any boundaries . Why does a codependent buy two copies of every self - help book ? One to read and one to pass on to someone who really needs it . What does a codependent have in common with God ? They both have a plan for your life . You know you 're a codie if . . . What happens when two codies fall in love ? They get married and micromanage each other for the rest of their lives . What do you get when you cross a codie with Buddhist ? Someone who stays up all night worrying about nothing . THE WIFE OF A NOT - YET - RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC visited a fortuneteller . The mystic stared into her crystal ball and proclaimed , " I haPosted by Rhea writes : Hello from a new reader , and a couple of comments . I was meant to get on with my housework about two hours ago but haven 't been able to tear myself away from your archives ; o ) I 'm English and am not familiar with some of the therapy / counselling terms you use . Can you explain ( if you don 't mind ) what " co - dependency " and " enabling " mean , please ? Sometimes I see questions or comments that I want to reply to , but I put it off for a while . Rhea however is in a desperate situation . She might have to go back to housework ! Co - Dependency is a word that comes out of the recovery world ( Alcoholics Anonymous / Al - Anon , etc . ) . The addict is the dependent , the person in the relationship with the dependent is the co - dependent . A lot of people don 't mean anything than that by it . Co - dependents ( " codies " ) come in all shapes and sizes and have all sorts of problems . Codies are typically known for : - needing to " help " others in order to feel good about themselves - being attracted to people who have problems so that they can save them - living their life through othersHence the codie jokes . I thought that I had posted them on the blog before , but I can 't find them so I will post them separately . Enabling is a typically codependent behavior . Enabling looks like helping , but it is helping the addict continue to use . Calling the boss to say that your husband is sick , when he is actually hung - over is a common example . Rescuing , paying bills , lying , covering up , or any other form of protecting addicts from the consequences of their behavior is enabling . It 's so easy to fall into . You live with someone who is an alcoholic or an addict and you start spying , searching their rooms . You analyze them and figure out exactly what they need . I , for instance , could spin explanations for why Evan turns to drugs . I know what he needs to stay clean . I know what he is doing wrong and what he out to be doing . There are a couple of problems with this . The first , the theory goes , is that enabling only makes things worse ; addicts need to hit " rock bottom . Posted by Daughter , sister , wife , mother , foster - parent blog writer , philosophy professor . . . I am and have been many things . These days my identities as a teacher of bioethics and the daughter of a woman with Parkinson 's and dementia lead me to agree with Peter Singer , " It 's different when it 's your mother . " |
Linda was not here for 5 days . I don 't think she was even here for 5 hours . Linda 's PSR worker brought her over after school and I gave them the tour . We talked about how she would get home from school . The worker made clear that Linda has only just been allowed out of close supervision . So , no , she can 't walk from the high school to my office with Andrew . I agree to pick her up . We were just moving on to her appointments when the phone rang . It was the social worker . She said she was sorry , but she just realized that I don 't have a state license . She tells me that Linda is a E4 ( I asked Hubby if he knew what that meant and he said , " It means she wears a really wide shoe " ) and federal regulations prohibit her from staying at my house . So she has to go to the teen shelter home in The City . The PSR worker can 't drive her because , though she lives in the city and will be going there anyway , she will also be taking her infant home and regulations prohibit her from driving Linda and her infant at the same time . The social worker could drive her , but only if she can get a health and welfare car to drive ; she can 't drive Linda in her own vehicle . I have no idea why . Then they realized Mandy 's husband was not going to get off work and bring her suitcase over until 7 : 30 , which complicated things to no end . I volunteered to drive her , and they cheerfully accepted . So I guess that is not contrary to federal regulations , even though I don 't have a state license . Anyway , I fed her dinner , which she did not eat because her meds have completely eliminated her appetite , and then she ate Halloween candy until it was time to go . ( What do I care ? I 'm not approved to be taking care of her anyway . ) I drove her to the shelter home . She was okay about it , but got anxious when she saw it . She said it looked " like one of those places where old people go . " " You mean a rest home ? " I have to confess that it does - - although a very new , modern fancy rest home . It is big enough to house nearly 30 teens , though only 9 are there now . Fortunately onePosted by Evan has been getting in touch with his paternal relatives . Much of it has been positive . It looks like the agency is going to buy Evan a plane ticket to go visit one of his older half - brothers , who just happens to be gay . Of course it couldn 't all be positive . His paternal grandmother 's account of his father 's death is very different than his mother 's . Her story and the implications of it are beyond horrible . Evan is devastated . He doesn 't know what to believe or whom to trust . He told me about it , cried , and just left the house . Hopefully it is just to walk and perhaps to have emotional conversations on his cell phone which I cannot hear . It may be a difficult week around here . The new respite girl will be here tomorrow afternoon and will be staying until Sunday . Meanwhile Evan has to sort through this . And the topic for the day is " Aren 't they lucky ? " I found it at Cluttergirl , who references the discussion in comments at The Naked Ovary . We tell people who have suffered a tragedy that they are lucky all the time . Were you in a car accident ? " Wow . You could have died ; you sure are lucky . " We say that to ourselves too , when bad things happen which could have been worse . When tragedy strikes and someone who does not have to help reaches out and pulls us back , we thank them and think that we are lucky . I think it makes sense when when it is the randomness of the act which saves us . Had the bullet been a few inches to the left ; had the stranger with the cell phone not been walking by ; had it happened a year ago before the hospital had acquired the new , life - saving technology . Something happened in the world that might not have happened , but it did and so our lives will be much better than they might have been . But there are other circumstances which seem similar , but are not . Are Hubby and I lucky to have found each other ? Well , sure , I guess . I might not have met him . My life was not saved from tragedy however . Had I not met him I would have had a good life . I might have even met someone else . So it would make sense for me to take offense if someone told me that I was lucky to be loved by him . I would come to his defense if someone said he was lucky to be loved by me . He did not get my love because he was lucky , but because he is deserving of love . Had I not met him , there would have been someone else . I suppose it is characteristic of love to agree that we are lucky that we have our loved ones in our lives and yet deny that they are particularly lucky to have us . Because we love them , we know that the deserve love and we are grateful to be the ones who are privileged to give it to them . People say that about and to my kids sometimes . People tell them that they are so lucky to have found me . The director of the agency for which I work once told Carl , when he had been naughty , that we were a gift from God , that he should aPosted by I just got a call from Mandy . She wants to know if I can take one of her girls ( whom I haven 't yet met ) this week . She needs to drive Jackie to a funeral . I said yes , of course . My life is difficult , but Jackie is suffering a real loss . My problems just don 't look that bad right now . Oh . . . I hope he gets a job . Last night he ate dinner in the living room . An hour later I told him to put his dishes in the dishwasher . He assured me that he would , of course he would . Three hours later I told him to put his dishes in the dishwasher . He said he was sorry that he hadn 't done it already , but that he had been really busy ( watching TV and talking on the phone ) , but he would do it in just a second . When I couldn 't sleep , got up at midnight and went into the living room , I considered getting him out of bed to put his dishes in the dishwasher , but that seemed a little extreme . This morning when he got up I told him to put his d * mn dishes in the dishwasher right now . He said , " Okay , okay . . . I 'm going . Geez . You don 't have to get so upset . It 's not like I left them here to piss you off . " However he did take them and put them in the dishwasher . He just left to go shopping with Hubby . His lunch dishes are in the living room . Why is it the little things that make my blood pressure rise ? Why does it feel like an act of extreme insensitivity ? It makes me so much angrier when he tells me , " It 's not like I do it to piss you off . " I get that he is not plotting to upset me . He is not being malicious , he is being insensitive , thoughtless . I know what I should do . I have a choice . I can either decide it matters to me and take a couple of minutes out of my life and pick up after him ( and everyone else , let 's be fair ) , or I can have some sort of logical consequence for leaving dishes all over the house and then enforce that consequence in a matter - of - fact way . But part of me thinks , " Why should I have to have a blasted behavior modification plan to get a 19 - year - old to put his dishes in the dishwasher after I ask him to do it ? " So I want him to get a job . I want him out of the house . I don 't want him to be home every minute that I am home . I want a break . Yes , I know , my fuse is short because I am dealing with the fact that he is going to be leaving and it is easier to be angry at him than to feel sad . Mostly I have resisted thePosted by For the past few months , Evan has asking me to reassure him that I will not get a new kid right away . He has wanted me to tell him that we will take a break . His feeling has been that if a new kid moves in right away that will make him feel that our house is something akin to a factory , and he is just one more widget . I have told him that we will take the next kid when the next kid comes . We have always said it was about the right kid , not the right time . I have also told him that we have asked for breaks in the past because the last few months with kids were tiring and we needed a break . If we did take a kid right away that would be an indication that he was easier on us . ( Also an indication that all my therapy paid off , but I don 't tell him that . ) That did not make a difference to him . He still wanted for us to take a couple of months off . I understand why he has felt that way , but it doesn 't change anything . We will not turn away a kid who is a good fit for our family because Evan prefers for us to have a respectful period of mourning first . But it does not really matter . We typically have a couple of months between placements , and the social workers have told me that there is no one currently in or applying to the program who fits our profile . The other day I told Evan that I thought it would be cool if they did come up with a kid for us to meet before he left . I would like for him to be able to meet the new kid and I would like for the new kid to be able to meet him . Evan likes that idea . Last night he asked if I was going to do that . Was I going to get a kid soon so that he could meet him ? I 'm having trouble getting Evan to believe that I really don 't have any control over this process . It is not the case that there are always several out GLBT kids needing a home . I cannot go to some web page or file and look up local queer kids and pick one out . Several things have to happen , and not all of them are things I want to hope for . I have to hope that I am not needed , that all the GLBT kids , regardless of how " out " thPosted by I wonder . If I were to post that I had a wonderful , long conversation with a fellow blogging foster parent , how many people would be able to figure out who it was ? Hmm . . . I did not get any school work done , but I can do that anytime . The phone call was worth it . I 've written a couple of whiny posts and saved but not published them . Here 's the brief version : I have accepted that Evan is going . I understand and am even beginning to appreciate the benefits of his plan . I also don 't want him to go . My not wanting him to go is a very basic , child - like emotion . It is no longer complicated or masked by disapproval or irritation . It is pure sadness . I don 't want him to go . I don 't want him to be far away . I will miss him . He will go , and I will try to be happy for him . I will try to be the adult . It is difficult because I feel about three years old . I want to go and curl up on my bed and have a good cry because he 's leaving and I , it seems , am going to miss him far more than I thought I would . You know that he is over - bearing and argumentative right ? He is a real pain sometimes . He monitors my mood and activities constantly . He leaves dirty dishes in the living room , fills up my DVR with junk shows , doesn 't do his chores without being nagged , periodically drives me crazy , makes me horribly anxious with his various addictive behaviors , and uses far too much toilet paper . I mean , he leaves huge globs of toilet paper in the bowl sometimes that clog up the pipes . And I don 't want him to go . And yeah , that is the brief version . He is not leaving for five and half more weeks . ( I 'm tempted to put up one of those count - down clocks on the page . I am going to be calculating it in my head otherwise . Might as well have the computer keep track of it . But I don 't know where to get one and people normally use them for events they are happy about . ) I need to pull myself out of this mood . I just can 't keep feeling like this for weeks . On one hand I really like that I finally have a kid moving out in an orderly and planned way . On the other hand it is rather like having a bandage being pulled off very slowly . Cause , you know , it is all about me . So here are other things that I think about : - Throwing him a going away party . He said that he wanted everyone to go with him to the airport . His flight leaves at Posted by Evan just called , " Hey , Yondalla . Can you come pick me up ? I 'm done with school . " As in done . As in the last class . as in . . . . . HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE ! ! ! Well , there 's paper work , but he 's done . Independentsw writes : I don 't know . . . it seems like something is missing in this " best model . " I 'm notsure what , though . What causes them to finish growing up ? Simply time ? Or dothey have enough maturing experiences in these situations ( Radical Faeries , Scotland program ) to finish growing ? If you could offer Evan a longer - termplacement in your home , would it be possible for him to finish growing up there ? Why doesn 't Job Corps work for so many kids - - it also offers room , board , andmoney in exchange for work ? As you can tell , I don 't have any answers , onlyquestions ! I am wondering also if part of the attraction of the Scotland programfor Evan is a chance to work on / resolve his own family issues ? Just a thought . . . I don 't have answers either . Just thoughts . Part of the struggle in imagining solutions is that they solutions always have to be prefaced with " given that . " Given that people who aren 't yet ready to parent will continue to have children . . . Given that we live in a society in which we fail to support families in crisis . . . Given that our foster care system is over - burdened in every way . . . You get the idea . So I don 't know how to answer this question , " If you could offer Evan a longer - term placement in your home , would it be possible for him to finish growing up there ? " I don 't know . I know if I were to say to Evan right now , " You could live here indefinitely if you don 't go to Scotland . " He would reject the idea . I did offer him the opportunity to stay here for the upcoming spring for his first semester of college and he did reject that . I don 't know what might have been the case had when he moved in I said to him , " You can stay here as long as you are working or going to school , until you are ready to live on your own . " Instead of , " You can stay here as long as you are going to school , and for a couple months after you graduate . Your social worker will help you come up with a plan after that . Don 't worry , we won 't be in any big hurry to push you out . You will have time to figure out a plan . " Would he be staying now ? PerhapPosted by That 's what I just said to the new social worker . Evan 's worker just showed up to take him to lunch and discuss his plans . She brought along the new hire . She is older than 's Evan 's worker , which is a relief . She is taking over most of the current worker 's case load , but not Evan since he is nearly done anyway . Evan 's worker recently got married and we were talking about the last name problem . She 's hyphenating . The new worker said that a couple she knew made up a name from each of their last names and that is what they and their kids have , " They 're two moms , so there wasn 't any obvious thing to do . " She snuggled our kitten and asked its name . Evan said that he did not like it when people give really strange names to animals . She said reported that she had had a cat named " Sushi " . " But someone else named her . And she was eaten by a raccoon . Sushi became sushi . " Yep . I 'm gonna like her . I hope the next kid is hers . Gawdessness in her post this morning , The Dark Bits Around the Edges of Things , wrote about many things , but included there is a passage about dealing with a child who is able to turn off affection . David was , no , is , like that . Reading Gawdessness ' post has made me think about it living with that reality . I want to be clear , Gawdessness 's post made me think about all this , but this is about me and my relationship with David . I don 't know about you , but some of the smallest things can upset me the most . Andrew responded poorly to his immunizations . His two months shots made him cranky . I gave him ibuprofen in advance of his four months shots . Even so , his little leg got hot and swollen . He was miserable . I think I held him and rocked him for almost 24 hours straight . As long as I did not move him suddenly , or touch his leg , that was all he wanted . I can still call up that body - memory of him on my shoulder , accepting comfort . Even then I knew that though I was full of concern for him and I wanted his pain to be over , I also found caring for him deeply satisfying . He was hurting . I comforted . He was comforted . I was satisfied . It is not everything there is to life , but it is part of it . We give our love and , when it is received , we feel good . That memory is in contrast to the times when holding him did not help . He cried . I picked him up . He arched and pulled away and screamed more . And though he was mostly an easy baby and I was mostly a good mom , at that moment I would have a terrible thought . Something like , " Well , if you don 't want me then I don 't want you either . " Or worse . For a moment , I wanted to reject my baby . It is so primal , that need to love and have our love received . Andrew and Brian have been raised in loving homes and they have both rejected my love and comfort on more than one occasion . It is a difficult experience , but it is one moment in parenting . It passes , and we move on . Thank God it passes . Except when you are raising children who have been traumatizes it does not always pass . RAD kids work hard tPosted by The good news for the day : Evan bought a plane ticket to Scotland and . . . . it is a round - trip ticket ! WOO - HOO ! And he bought trip insurance that will send him home early if he get sick . WOO - HOO - HOO ! He leaves December 10 and is scheduled to return July 19 . The bad news : My outgoing mail was stolen . Presumably the teenage girl Evan saw running around the corner after he heard the mailbox clunk was after the Netflix envelop . However she also ran away with 3 months of medical receipts on their way to the flex plan for reimbursement , my invoice for driving Miss E , the request for reimbursement for the car rental this weekend , and the paper work I finally made myself fill out for giving respite care for Jackie earlier this month . All of that is , of course , totally worthless to her but a major pain in the butt for me . On the other hand I keep wondering what her face looked like when she got home and tore open the envelop to find that the wonderful movie she had scored was Black Adder IV , 1989 . I wonder if she likes British comedy ? It was my husband 's disk , of course . Somehow , imagining her reaction makes it almost worth having to re - create all that paperwork . Or maybe I am just in such a good mood over the round - trip ticket and trip insurance that nothing can bring me down . More good news : I got Thursday back ! I was scheduled to do something that I really felt obligated to do but which I really did not want to do and someone who actually wants to do it volunteered . YIPEE . And more bad news . . . although it might not be news . A very nice police officer came by to take a report on my stolen mail . Evan was the witness and so described what he saw . " She was about Beth 's height and about her weight too . " The cop grinned and said , " And she had grey hair and was wearing a purple t - shirt ? " Excuse me ? Grey hair ? I am quite confident that I still have more light brown hairs than grey hairs . Not by much , but still . . . my hair is greying , not grey . There are a lot of really interesting comment on my post Supporting them into adulthood . A couple should be their own posts . If you haven 't read them , I recommend them to you . People bring up a lot of good points . Several point out that we need to be more straight - up honest with the kids . I agree , and I wonder to what extent I have not done that well . For the kids with whom I work though I don 't think that is the fundamental problem . At least Carl and Evan did not get hurt because they were told they were going to get support or help that they didn 't or weren 't going to get . They walked away from assistance they weren 't ready for . Hope4future wonders if they are afraid they won 't succeed ( I 'm paraphrasing ) . I think that is part of it . Right now I think the fundamental problem , for many of the kids I work with , though has been this : though they are legally adults , they are developmentally somewhere around 13 . They need more time to grow up . The rub is that they don 't want to be parented . They don 't want to be accountable to social workers . They want to live as adults . In other words , they don 't want what they need and no one can force them to be take it . On my most discouraged days I don 't think it is possible for offer the kids what they need in a package they will accept . I am still driving Miss E to school . She is a junior who turns 18 in the summer . Because she is in a private agency with the funds , she is doing on - line classes with the goal of being done with high school before she turns 18 . She is willing to stay in the home a little past her 18th birthday if she must in order to finish high school , but not one second longer . She is one of the brightest kids in the system . She says she admires Evan for staying longer . She knows that it is the smart thing to do , but she doesn 't see how she could make herself stay . She wants out . She wants to be on her own . So many foster kids are in systems in which they are not offered appropriate transitional services . The state kids around here all seem to believe that they are rPosted by I think I keep posting the same post over and over . . . but here it is again : " Evan 's really going to go to Scotland , and I have just about accepted except . . . " He 's talking about buying a one - way plane ticket because he is not sure when he wants to come back and besides he does not have very much money and he wants to have a cash reserve for emergencies . Oh to be young and stupid . I told him that if he can 't afford a round trip ticket then he can 't afford to go . I reminded him that fuel prices are volatile and therefore plane ticket prices are volatile . I asked him to do the basic math . I don 't know if I got through to him , but I gave the pitch . It is the short term thinking of youth , I guess . He wants to get there . He will figure out how to get home later . Sigh . Does anyone know anything aboutaltdotlife . com ? Acutally , I know a bunch of you must , because you are coming here from there . It seems though that you have to register to read much of anything , so I cannot find out what is sending y ' all here . I 'm pleased to have you , but can someone tell me what , if anything , they are saying about me at that site ? And speaking of people being sent here . . . One little mention by Trey at Daddy , Papa and Me has resulted in over 100 new visitors . . . in about a week . Thanks Trey . The trip was long . More than three total hours in planes ; five hours waiting in airports ; another three hours driving in cars ; only two hours in the hotel spent awake ; and one hour , forty - five minutes in the training . I realized a couple hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport that Andrew is seventeen and therefore now needs a government - issued ID in order to fly . Driving to the driver 's licensce bureau on the way to the airport ( which of course is not on the way to the airport ) was not on the list of things that I had planned . Still we got it all done . I had a good conversation with the social worker . We talked about what range of kids we were interested in taking . We talked about our commitment to gay kids , and were willing to consider others because , " They have had some really great kids come into the program recently . " We talked about how things were a little better than they were six years ago , and that it might be a while before there is another gay kid who is not being accepted by his / her family . I thought about that idea for a while . What if we aren 't needed ? Well , of course , foster parents will be needed , but what if there is no longer a need for people who are dedicated to gay kids ? Maybe the world is becoming more accepting and kids can come out wherever they are and no one will care . The training session was pretty good . This time there were more experienced foster parents who had been fostering for decades and whose birth kids were teenagers or adults with kids of their own . A couple of them had been fostering children themselves . Andrew is the only kid who was on the panel all three times . The social worker had used her contacts to come up with a local pair teens living with their grandmother who has been fostering , I think , since before they lived there . At one point the grandmother volunteered that the teens did really well with all sorts of kids , " Except for the really promiscuous or gay ones . " I turned to the teens and said , " Why is it hard for you to live with gay kids ? " The 18 - year - olPosted by I had a bad day yesterday . I 've had an undercurrent of sad because Evan is moving away . Oh I can be cheerful and happy , but I know it is there . I know it is there because when something worth getting upset about comes along I take full advantage of it . So when Hubby called and said that autoshop * said that fixing my car would cost about $ 100 more than an on - line car value estimator says I could expect to get for it as a trade - in from a local dealer , I was bummed . I had the distinct pleasure of knowing that we would not have to go into debt because I have not been paid yet for driving Miss E to school , and if I put all the money that they owe me so far I will have most of it . So I walked around telling myself that I was supposed to feel grown - up and pleased that I could afford to pay this bill without affecting our monthly budget at all , and not pout because I had planned on buying new clothes for me and taking Evan out for a nice graduation dinner ( with family ) and still having money left over for savings . So I was feeling whiny and irritated at myself for feeling that way . I was not feeling strong . And then the newspaper called . A reporter wants to do a local story about the evil anti - gay marriage amendment ( although she did not call it that ) . She really wants to interview a local gay or lesbian couple . Can I find one who is willing to have their photo and name in the paper ? Well I can try . An hour later I shut myself in my bedroom and cried . Four times I was told , " We 're really out . All of our friends and everyone we work with knows , but I / my partner can 't be out to every single parent of her students / customers / parents of our child 's friends . We really want to help , but this is a small town and we live and work here and we just don 't think we can take that risk . " And they are right . I thought about about calling the reporter and telling her that Hubby and I would do it . Okay , so we are not a gay couple , but we are PFLAG parents , and we can put a face on the issue . I don 't have anything to worry about , college studentPosted by Okay , I talked with the counselor that Evan and I share . I don 't think that it is a violation of confidentiality to say that her general attitude is that Evan did a good job of taking care of himself . He was panicking at the thought of college and he might have imploded . Instead he came up with an alternative . So far so good . I get it . I accept it . He is not ready for college and he needs what the house can offer him . I just hope he is able to give what the house needs from him . So , just for the record , let me re - state that this is a house were families are sent for therapeutic vacations where they learn to interact positively with each other . A typical family would be one who was poor ( actually they all have to count as being in poverty ) , had a history of some sort of domestic violence , had their children removed and put into foster care , got their kids back , and are now having a difficult time functioning as a family . So they go off to this house for one week where they engage in fun family activities and therapy so that they can bond , etc . Volunteers help everything run smoothly . They do some household chores , participate in some of the bonding activities and play with the children when the adults are in their own therapy or having a break . It sounds like a wonderful place . It seems to me that volunteering there would be a fantastic experience for many American youth . It also seems to me that sending Evan there is taking someone who is terrified of flying and signing them up to be supportive companions to people who are terrified of flying . It would be like me , at nineteen , volunteering in a home for recovering alcoholics . Like a rape survivor working in a center to rehabilitate sexual offenders . Okay . . . maybe that is going too far . However it is asking Evan to work with sympathetically with families who are just like his . He is not to take sides . He can 't get too emotionally worked up . I frankly cannot imagine a situation that will be more emotionally challenging for him . If it were a place for just the youth , then I cPosted by Independentsw asks : I 'm wondering why you don 't see each child all the way through to real adulthood ? Is it that you can 't afford to support them w / o [ the agency ] , or are there other reasons ? This is not criticism , only inquiry . I ask myself that too . I 've been thinking a lot about what we have done and haven 't done and whether we can / should do more to support these kids . In fact I have been working on this post on and off since I read your question yesterday . I don 't , by the way , take offense at the question . It is something that I have been asking myself so it seems worth trying to write about . Allowing them to live with us past the point where the agency would reimburse us for room and board would be a challenge , but I cannot say that it would be impossible . Our budget would be tighter , but we could do that . The thing is , we thought we were seeing them into adulthood . The agency for which we work has what appears to be a really good transition program . With our birth kids we are on our own . We have been assuming that expecting the foster boys to take advantage of the benefits the agency offers while offering them love and support was the best thing we could do for them . In other words , we thought of ourselves as part of a team and thought that the kids were being offered everything they needed , just not from a single source . I still think that is true , but I also think that having the support divided up like that is anxiety - producing for the kids . There are only two boys ( so far ) where this was / is a " live " question : Carl and Evan . So , I am trying to think this through . Carl : I keep realizing that without the emails much of Carl 's story did not get told . At the beginning of Carl 's senior year I would have told you that the next year he would be in college and that he would come home for all the holidays , and probably the next summer too . I did not expect that I would receive room and board money for him during those times . I had visions of sending him care packages , buying him small luxuries he could not afford . I thoPosted by In order to do a log cabin it appears I would need 12 different fabrics ranging from . 5 to 1 yard . Instead I have about 3o + fat quarters ( most have already had a few pieces cut out of them ) and and larger pieces left over from various projects that look just hideous together . So I can 't make a log cabin quilt unless I buy a good bit of new fabric . I found a way to get some use out of all my tiny scraps . All I have to do is by a few yards of solid black to make this pieced star quilt . Maybe I will post a photo of it when I get it done . No promises about when that will be though . So what is going on , of course , is that I have accepted that Evan is leaving in six weeks or so . Something could still happen to prevent it , like being denied a passport or visa or stumbling across an idea that is even crazier , but excepting the unexpected , he will go . And not to school 25 miles away . He will go very far away . When he leaves he will take the quilt I made for him with him , and his room and the bed will be empty . So I will make a new quilt and pretend that I am excited about how it will look in the room . I will pretend that it will fill the hole that he will leave behind . Regarding the trip Evan has so far : Applied for a passport and paid to have it expedited so that he can apply for a work visa to the UKOfficially told the education specialist at the agency to pull his application for college fundingAsked the agency if they will fax to the Scotland house a copy of the criminal background check they did on him last fall * Asked his grandmother if he can live with her when he gets back . She said yes . Called his old employer at the sandwich shop to see if he can get his old job back . He told them that he would only be working until the end of November , but is hoping that they will take him since he is already trained . Started researching credit cards " just in case . " The woman from the agency spoke with Evan on the phone ( Evan says she sounds like Mrs . Doubtfire ) . She is very excited about having Evan but can 't officially say anything until she has called the references and received the background check . Since Evan does not know when he wants to go he is currently planning on buying a one - way ticket . He plans to put aside money to buy a ticket back , but if he doesn 't he will have the credit card . We had another ridiculous conversation the other night where I gave talking him out of it one last try . " Evan , please think about this . Every job you have got you really thought you were going to like and after you had been there a week you reported that you hated your supervisor , the job , the other workers , and everything . " " Right , and what does that tell you ? " " That it is a bad idea to go to a foreign country where you can get stuck if you hate what you are doing . " " No ! That I need to do something different ! " There was more , but that 's all I bring myself to re - hash . I have found begun a place of genuine acceptance . Sure , I would prefer that he went to the technology program in the spring . I think it will be more difficult than he does to go back to school after he gets back . I think he will be homesick and I doubt he will find it as rewarding as he thinks . But as far as emancipation - panic , running - awayPosted by I wasn 't feeling very well ( nothing big ) and came home early . Evan said he knew the kitchen wasn 't clean but he would get it done before it was time to go . After a while I took a nap and he woke me up and said , " Can we leave for school in about 15 minutes ? " " How 's the kitchen ? " " Well , I fell asleep . Can I do it when I get home ? " " No . I can 't cook if the kitchen 's a mess . " He walked off mumbling something . I pulled myself out of sleep , slowly . Put on my shoes , combed my hair . He came back . " I did the bottom rack . " " You need to do the top rack too . " " I 'll be late for school . " Now I swear to God , I really was still in the fog of sleep and I looked at him trying to figure out why that was relevant and said , " I know . " He rolled his eyes and walked away . I came into the kitchen more awake and said , " Since you 're running late I will re - load for you . " " That 's generous of you . " " I thought so . " His mother and sister dropped by unannounced last night . It was the first time that she ( the mother ) had been to the house . It must have been odd for her to be at our house . She was polite and " pleased to meet us . " I had the definite sense though that my catching her up on her son would be unwise . Aside from the fact that he is a big boy and should be communicating with her himself , I don 't think she would appreciate my acting as though I knew her son better than she did ( although at the moment I might ) . I did print off the photo we have of him with his little sister , for which she was genuinely grateful . She was there for one reason : to tell Evan not to go to Scotland . Mostly she just said , " No . You can 't go . " She did try to give some reasons : his history of making impulsive decisions ; the ability to satisfy his stated goals here ; the difficulty of going back to school later . A couple of times Evan asked me to help him out . I told him I was keeping my mouth shut which was as much help as I could be . What was really going on , of course , was just that she doesn 't want her son to go away . She hasn 't been visiting or calling him ( she is currently without a phone ) , but not seeing your son when you could is very different from not being able to see him even if you wanted . After reading Trip and Consequences , Bacchus writeshow tough that must be to put someone you care about on the street . I agree with the decisions , but will you talk about the process you went through to get to that point ? I suppose that is the real downside to not having all the emails from the time . I can just report the events but my frustration and irritation , not to mention anger , are just not there . Even the bad stories are funny . There is a real danger of reading the emails and seeing me as the experienced , calm parent that I am on the way to becoming . Did I even tell the story of how , after he had been with me for six months , I cried in my friend 's kitchen and she offered to take Andrew and Brian for the weekend ? I called the social worker , still crying and said that she had to put Carl in respite that weekend . She said of course and later the family developer told me that that was when he knew we were going to make it . The ones who call after about six months to ask for help always do . I also don 't think I told you about how hard I worked on behavioral plans designed to get him to be more truthful . I had consequences for lies , rewards for the truth . I never told you about the day I collapsed and cried for an hour because I realized that it was beyond my power to change him and for a while I thought that I could not live with him if I could not trust him to tell me the truth . But I loved him and the thought of making him leave broke my heart . So I cried and decided that I was really committed to him - - lies and all . He was mine and he was staying that way . Before I did foster care I would have told you that the one thing that I can 't deal with is lying . Now I know that I can cope with lying , but that I really can 't handle hyperactivity . Still , living with a practiced liar and manipulator is not easy . It means being constantly on your toes . It means constant analysis . It means deciding before you decide anything whether you are going to do something because it is what you want to do it regardless of what the trPosted by The boy with whom Carl had gone on the ill - fated trip with was still with him . They had lived in the housing shelter together and found jobs on the same day . They and another boy found a small house to rent . I just don 't think I can go through the story in any kind of detail . They lived there . They lost their jobs and got evicted . One of them found another job and they moved into a smaller apartment . Carl disappeared for a while and later told me he had been in Chico , CA . It was wonderful there and he was moving . He moved to Chico . He rented a room from someone and after about six months called to say that they were moving and he needed to find his own apartment . He could do it and he knew he had not been in close contact with us , but he was much more responsible than he used to be . He was doing really well . He just could not get an apartment on his own . All he needed for us was to co - sign a lease . We said no . The reason he could not get a lease was that he had left our state with a record of bounced checks and a defaulted cell phone contract . We explained that we simply could not afford to be liable for the rent on an apartment in Chico . He said that he was not asking us to pay the rent . All we had to do was to sign a piece of paper . We told him that if he thought that was all that he was asking us to do then we REALLY could not do it . He was angry . He called me later to tell me that he had only one alternative . There was a commune where he could go live . It was clear to me that this phone call was all about scaring me into signing . I was supposed to say that living in a commune was a terrible idea . It was supposed to upset me . Then he could tell met that if I did not want him living in a commune then all I needed to do was to sign the lease . I told him that the commune sounded interesting , that it might be a very valuable experience for him . And that was almost two years ago . He still lives there . It is not a commune though . It is a retreat center , a sanctuary for Radical Faeries . He is now an official caretaker . I think Posted by Though Carl could have stayed in Job Corps much longer , he choose to complete the shortest program they had in business , basic accounting . He finished the program and got his bonus in the summer 2003 . He came to our house to tell us his plans . He was very serious and said that he knew I would probably think that this was unwise , but he really wanted to do it and he had worked out all the details . He was going to go on a road trip with some friends from Job Corps . They were going to follow Tori Amos on tour . He knew it was rash and he knew that I would probably not approve , but they had figured out a budget . With the money they would get from Job Corps they could do it and he should be back in time to house - sit for us when we left for Maine . He was preparing himself for the lecture . He had all his arguments laid out . I told him that he was right , I did not think it was a good idea . He was taking all of his money and taking a big risk . I would prefer that he stay in Job Corps and do more advance training . They would help him to find a job . He said that he was young and if he didn 't do something for himself now , he never would get the chance again . Now was the time to travel and see something of the world . He would be careful and he had enough money . I told him that I would not rescue him if he got stranded and that he absolutely could not house sit for me when he got back . " Why not ? " " This plan is guaranteed to leave you unemployeed , broke , and homeless . You cannot move in under those circumstances . You must come up with your own plan . " I got a call from someone at Job Corps who was disappointed that he was leaving . He wanted to know if it was true that Carl was traveling to visit his birth father . I told him that Carl did not know for certain what country his birth father was in . So Carl went . He called one day in a panic after learning that they had unknowingly transported a runaway over state lines . He also , predictably , called about 150miles away broke , out of gas , and hungry . I wired him $ 50 . Of course . When he came bPosted by We talked to Carl about options . There were different things he could do . He could get a job and they would help him with rent , for instance . When we talked about that his eyes filled with panic . We took him to Job Corps . He went back and forth . Initially he liked it . He thought he could go there . Other days he said he didn 't think he wanted to go . I told him he didn 't have to . " Just come up with a plan , any plan , and we will do everything we can to help you make it happen . " He would deflate . In the end of course we took him to Job Corps . He went . He liked it more than he thought he would , although he did choose the shortest possible program . He came home at least every other weekend and for all of Christmas break . He made friends . It turned out that there were quite a few out gay guys there . Oh he complained , but it really seemed to be the best place for him . Job Corps is free . It is so free , they give you clothes and an allowance . There are dorms and a cafeteria . They had to get up early , make their beds , and do chores . It really seemed like the best place for Carl and I really hoped that he would stay until he was ready for adulthood . Part 16 Carl had talked a lot about wanting to go to college to study history or religion or something . On the other hand , he was cutting classes and getting mediocre grades . Nothing about him indicated he was likely to succeed in college . All the basic ability was there , but there was no self - discipline . The permenancy agency for which I work has a really good post - high school education funding system . They get kids all the way through whatever college or training they want with no debt . There are some very strict standards for getting funded though . You have to save at least $ 1000 and demonstrate that you can go to school while working at least 10 hours a week . They also will only pay for a local college . Even if you get in , and even if you get good funding , for the first two years they will not help you go to school outside the area . They used to , but every single one of the kids have crashed and burned . The kids who have succeeded have been local and have maintained close connections with their foster families . But that working 10 hours a week was too much for Carl . Filling out an application also seemed to be overwhelming . He signed up at one point to take the SAT , but he woke us up in the middle of the night because he had a horrible pain in his stomach . Hubby took him to the emergency room . They did follow - up tests later but found nothing . It took us a long time to realize that it was a stress thing . So as high school was winding down , Carl had no plan for what to do . He had not applied to school and he was not holding down a job . There was nothing he wanted to do . Nowhere he wanted to go . He started cutting classes . Not a whole lot , but some . He went to detention and then Saturday school . He lied to everyone about his exciting plans for college , and he did nothing . One day I got a call from the school . For about an hour and a half I thought he wasn 't going to graduate . I have never been so furious . It turned out to be a mistake and he did graduate . It is one of his favorite stories . " Remember , Mom , when you thought I wPosted by So Evan reports that his counselor thinks that Scotland is a wonderful idea . She says that it will be a wonderful experience . It would be a good opportunity and it is a very " AA " kind of thing to do . " And she holds a lot of sway with the rest of you . " But then again he thought it was just fine with the director if . . . oh but that is another story . Who knows . In any case he is very excited and very serious . My job as the auntie is to listen , offer unconditional love , give honest feedback and then accept his decision . He expects to leave at the end of November , if he can work out his passport and visa in time . It seems , by the way , that Hubby , the social worker and I are the only people who have reservations about this . His favorite teacher from his high school in The City , his teacher at the alternative high school , his grandmother , his counselor all think it is a fantastic opportunity which he should not allow to pass . Hubby thinks that he is " listening creatively " again . I just . . . it 's so bizarre . A few weeks ago he was talking anxiously but happily about going to the technical program . He was thrilled that about living in the dorms . He was clearly nervous , but it was the plan . Now he is talking about passports and visas . He is going to church with grandmother ( that is BIG ) so he can continue the discussion about moving in with her when he gets back . He should finish high school by the end of October . As soon as he can get the details worked out he will leave . He imagines himself as the patient , hard - working volunteer making a difference in the world and using the regular four day breaks to see the wonders of Europe . He is beginning to day dream about staying for years , living in a country where he will have the right to get married , where he cannot be fired for being gay . I think of the things he has done and said over the past six months . I think that if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior then he will : lecture the chef about how to run a kitchen ; complain about the other staffers not working as Posted by Carl got less teasing by far after coming out . When you are out and someone says , " Are you gay or something ? " in a teasing sort of voice it is good to be able to say , " yes . " For most people it takes the wind out of their sails . For most people . There were a couple of boys though who said things , under the breath sort of things . One was in Carl 's Spanish class . He sat behind Carl and quietly said things like , " God hates f * gs " and " All gays should be shot . " It took a couple of weeks for Carl to tell me . The next day I was in the principal 's office . She was outraged . She promised that she would talk to the kid right away and that any time anyone said anything to Carl he was to come straight into her office and she would deal with it . No one was going to bother any of her kids . I was pleased . I told her that I had brochures from PFLAG and the GLBT youth group . Could I leave them ? She said " No . If those people want to get to the kids they will have to find another way . " The second it was out of her mouth you knew she wished she had not said it . She tried to say something about not allowing any materials from any groups . I sighed and did not ask her about the boy scouts . I was there to make Carl 's world safer and this woman was going to help me on that . Carl did go to her and she was never slow about responding . When two boys called him a name and threw an empty pop can in his general direction at the end of their senior year she told them that if they so much as looked sideways at him again they would have their diplommas mailed home and they would NOT be welcome in the ceremony . When Carl was considering going to the prom with a boy ( he didn 't ) I called to tell her that he was thinking about it and that I wanted her to know in advance so that she could do whatever she felt she needed to to make certain that it was a safe experience for him . She thanked me for giving her some advance notice . But there was one thing that I did nothing about . I wish I had . I wish I had because Carl wanted me to . In Spanish class all the kids haPosted by Carl 's social worker talked a lot about Carl learning to " be safe . " She hoped that the youth group leader would help him to make better decisions . " Being safe " turned out to be code for " acting straight . " She thought that if he attracted less attention he would be less likely to be picked on . That turns out not to be true . Oh I have not done any study , but it seems that the kids who are on the edge of being out - - kids who seem gay and seem to be trying to hide it - - they are the ones who are most likely to be picked on . It is not that I don 't have the same impulse as the social worker sometimes . We all went out one evening and Carl took his new ( and first ) real boyfriend with him . We saw a school play and then stopped for ice cream . Carl 's boyfriend brought his own car and before he got in they kissed in the parking lot . My heart skipped a beat and I looked around to see who was watching . Then I kicked myself . I don 't know whether this was before or after the student being attacked . It was a very difficult autumn for me . I was " out . " I had told my friends , my co - workers . I had not got to the point where I was casually talking to my students and " my son and his boyfriend " but I got there . My worries had nothing to do with my being " outed . " The worries were all about being afraid for him and wanting , as a parent to keep him safe . It was impossible . I knew that it was impossible and wrong on multiple levels to try to change Carl . And I did not want to . I liked him as he was . But keeping him safe seemed to mean that I had to change the whole f * cking world and I had to do it now . It was clearly the only moral choice , but it was still impossible . There was a third option . I could accept the equation - - my son was not safe and there was nothing I could do about it . If I think of myself as a child of my parent and imagine that my parents have these sorts of worries about me ( they don 't ) I think I would be frustrated with them . I would remind them that no one is safe . They are not safe when they get in the car . Danger is everywPosted by In the fall of 2000 , maybe five months after Carl moved in with me I got a call from one of my students who had missed class . He said he was sorry and that he wanted to talk to me about it . Could he come to my office ? Of course . He is tall , an art major , and definitely gay - seeming . He was a sweet boy , liked by just about everyone . He came into my office looking horrible . He started to tell me that it had been really hard for him to leave his dorm room and walk across the campus , but he had to talk to someone and he thought I would understand . The previous evening he had been at a frat party and was having a good time . Eventually he left to go back to his dorm . Someone , not a student , followed him . Once they were on the middle of the campus the young man started yelling things at him , " f * g " and worse . He caught up with the student and shoved him against the wall , yelling at him . When the student tried to walk away , the assailant slammed him against the wall again . A student in a dorm called security and they got there quickly . Though the student was afraid he was about to be beaten , it never got worse than that . We contract for security through the police department . The security officers are not full police officers , but they have been recruited and trained by the department . They asked the student to file a report , but he refused . All he wanted was to get back to his room , where he had stayed until he made himself leave to go to my office . The security personnel took his name , found out that he was in the military , and told him that he would be arrested for trespassing if he showed up on campus again . The worst part , the student said , was that he couldn 't make himself look the assailant in the face . That meant today that he could hardly bring himself to look at any man . He wondered about everyone he saw that he did not know , " Is that the man ? " He was trembling and crying . He kept saying that he didn 't know why , but he felt safe coming to talk to me . He knew I would understand . He didn 't know Carl . He did not know that Posted by How many codependents does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one - she keeps flipping the light switch repeating " This time it will come back on " How many recovering codies does it take to change a light bulb ? None . They detach and let the lightbulb screw itself . How can you tell you 're at an Alanon meeting ? Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up . ( Alternate answer : Someone cries and everyone looks for the tissues ) . How can you tell if a codie has let go of something ? It has claw marks all over it . Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a codependent ? You can negotiate with a terrorist . What do you call a codependent who says ' no ' and doesn 't feel guilty ? HEALTHY . You 're codependent for sure if , when you die , someone else 's life flashes in front of your eyes . you get kicked off jury duty for insisting that you 're the guilty one . you find yourself in a rut - - and move in furnitureyou wake up in the morning and say to your mate : " Good morning , how am I ? " you feel guilty , for not feeling guilty ! your serenity prayer is . . . God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not changeThe courage to change the things I canand the wisdom to figure out what the best way is to manipulate the circumstances and just make him see the light . . . Why did the codependent cross the road ? To help the chicken make a decision . Did you hear about the codependent who flunked geography ? He couldn 't distinguish any boundaries . Why does a codependent buy two copies of every self - help book ? One to read and one to pass on to someone who really needs it . What does a codependent have in common with God ? They both have a plan for your life . You know you 're a codie if . . . What happens when two codies fall in love ? They get married and micromanage each other for the rest of their lives . What do you get when you cross a codie with Buddhist ? Someone who stays up all night worrying about nothing . THE WIFE OF A NOT - YET - RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC visited a fortuneteller . The mystic stared into her crystal ball and proclaimed , " I haPosted by Rhea writes : Hello from a new reader , and a couple of comments . I was meant to get on with my housework about two hours ago but haven 't been able to tear myself away from your archives ; o ) I 'm English and am not familiar with some of the therapy / counselling terms you use . Can you explain ( if you don 't mind ) what " co - dependency " and " enabling " mean , please ? Sometimes I see questions or comments that I want to reply to , but I put it off for a while . Rhea however is in a desperate situation . She might have to go back to housework ! Co - Dependency is a word that comes out of the recovery world ( Alcoholics Anonymous / Al - Anon , etc . ) . The addict is the dependent , the person in the relationship with the dependent is the co - dependent . A lot of people don 't mean anything than that by it . Co - dependents ( " codies " ) come in all shapes and sizes and have all sorts of problems . Codies are typically known for : - needing to " help " others in order to feel good about themselves - being attracted to people who have problems so that they can save them - living their life through othersHence the codie jokes . I thought that I had posted them on the blog before , but I can 't find them so I will post them separately . Enabling is a typically codependent behavior . Enabling looks like helping , but it is helping the addict continue to use . Calling the boss to say that your husband is sick , when he is actually hung - over is a common example . Rescuing , paying bills , lying , covering up , or any other form of protecting addicts from the consequences of their behavior is enabling . It 's so easy to fall into . You live with someone who is an alcoholic or an addict and you start spying , searching their rooms . You analyze them and figure out exactly what they need . I , for instance , could spin explanations for why Evan turns to drugs . I know what he needs to stay clean . I know what he is doing wrong and what he out to be doing . There are a couple of problems with this . The first , the theory goes , is that enabling only makes things worse ; addicts need to hit " rock bottom . Posted by Daughter , sister , wife , mother , foster - parent blog writer , philosophy professor . . . I am and have been many things . These days my identities as a teacher of bioethics and the daughter of a woman with Parkinson 's and dementia lead me to agree with Peter Singer , " It 's different when it 's your mother . " |
This blog is dedicated to the stories I 've written over the years . Sometimes I get some time and add a story . Grab a hot cup of something and enjoy ! Please note that for some reason , blogger is NOT allowing me to post on any comments . So thank you for reading and know I do read all the comments but cannot reply . Hi all , Erin here . It 's been a long time since I 've read this . Let me fill in a few details . Brock , Kevin , Roni and George went on to see about Roni 's sister , Emma a few months after they came home . Tracey and I stayed with the family . Everyone agreed that we would be safest there . Of course there was the wedding and I personally think that my new mom and dad wanted to have their honeymoon with no kids tagging along . Now that I 'm a wife and mom , I agree they did the right thing . Mom and dad made it home safe and sound with plenty of good news about Aunt Emma , she even came and visited for awhile and when I was two we all went there and I got to meet my Aunt Gracie . Uncle Kevin fell for her like a ton of bricks and they were married within a year ! She had ridden to Aunt Emma 's on a TRICYCLE ! Uncle Kevin has been the only one she will ever get into a vehicle with . Tracey and I did go back to where I was born and found the house still boarded up . I know , we couldn 't believe it either ! We found a few things that we decided to keep but we both knew that THIS is home for us now . We planted some rose bushes on the grave of our parents and we both went there for our own honeymoons . It is a great place for a hunting lodge and our dear friend George has set up a business there with his wife and five kids . Brock and Roni ( aka : Mom and Dad ) ; had 8 other kids besides me and Tracey and believe you me , Tracey played the role of eldest ( and bossiest ) to the hilt . Kevin and Gracie have seven kids of their own but they moved back to Arkansas before they were all born . We had plenty of kids running around the ranch and of course plenty of competition . One game I remember well was when Mom put our names on these little wooden signs that she made ; each kid had one sign with their name on it . Then she put little hangers in the garden and would place a sign on each . The signs said " This piece of our life is tended lovingly and honestly by > insert the kids name < " . Now THAT set off one of the biggest rounds of competition ever ! Our parents never had to tell us to weed at all ! None of us wanted our names to be in a piece of the garden that was full of weeds ! Time rolled on and we all grew up with our bumps and bruises and there was some mishaps and sad times . Our dear Gramma passed away one bitter winter but she has left all of us a legacy that we refuse to let die . ( And personally , I think that my little sister Carrie , has inherited all Gramma 's quirks ; she goes around talking to the animals all the time ! And has been doing that since she could talk … . she even talked to one of the dogs before she ever talked to any of her ' people ' family ! ) Our extended family may be spread out all over the country now , and I think that is a good thing ! Gives us good excuses to go traveling ! And we do like to travel . Mostly it 's on horseback since cars haven 't really made a comeback yet . We as a country seem to like how we have settled into a more " live with the land " kind of view . We value family and good friends more now and from all I 've heard , we had lost that in the years before the " event " . So I 'll leave you now . I hope you and your family has made it through this " rough patch " our country has gone through . I have many hopes for our country and all the people that live here . And ya know what ? I think they are all coming true ! After all the action that had been going on , the rest of the trip to Durango was almost boring and no one complained one bit . The group had stopped in one town that had a Wally World and stocked up on some things like diapers and they were able to pump up gas from the gas station with the generator on the RV the Strikers had taken to drive . They had thoroughly cleaned it before claiming it . They had found some cash , drugs of course which they had destroyed , and a few weapons but not much else they could use . There was a lot of electronic stuff they just dumped out . It was now filled with supplies from Wally World . The store hadn 't look like it had been scavenged at all so they felt pretty safe as they made the rounds of the aisles . The guys stood guard while the women went in and shopped . Roni took Tracey in and they found a neat little snuggler in the baby department that they put Erin in . So then the three of them had fun filling the shopping carts . They would fill one and push it to the front where Brock would load it in the vehicles and trailers . When asked if they were done , they just smiled and grabbed another cart and some bags and went off back into the store . Brock lost count at 8 carts . But with some clever packing , he managed to fit everything they brought in the truck and trailer . Some stuff went into totes that were then strapped down on the bike trailer along with the now filled gas cans . All the food went into the RV though . Michelle did a great job of cleaning out the health and beauty aids section . She didn 't forget to stock up on all the OTC meds , first aid supplies , soaps , toothpaste , toothbrushes , shampoos , conditioners , lotions , and various other necessities . It was a good thing that George was riding his bike since by the time everyone was done shopping ; there was barely any room left in the RV for Mike and Michelle ! The trailer was fully loaded and so was the back of the jeep and the trailer that it was pulling . And since they figured that they should be at Brock and Kevin 's parents pThey were finally back on the road again with George scouting ahead on his bike and keeping in touch by some walkie talkie 's they had gotten from Wally World . They were amazed that they even worked but every vehicle had one and plenty of batteries . After George came the truck pulling the trailer with Brock , Roni , Tracey , and Erin in it . Then came the RV with Mike and Michelle and following in back was Kevin in the Jeep pulling the small trailer . Kevin had taken over the lead about ten miles outside of the Ranch so he was first to step out of the jeep with his hands up . " Is that anyway to greet long lost family members ? " he shouted . From behind what looked like very large gun barrels , a female voice called out " We shoot varmints that come around here . We turn them into Gramma 's secret stew . " The young woman flew into her brother 's arms before anyone could stop her . " So how many mountains did ya have to move to get here big brother ? " The rifles lowered and were slung out of the way as the two brothers were welcomed home . Kevin and Brock both answered " All of them ! " The laughing and clapping brought them back to their senses and of course Erin who was still in Roni 's arms . Tracey was giggling like crazy and when Roni looked around , there was only warmth in everyone 's eyes . She smiled sheepishly and then began to laugh with everyone else . Dinner that night was a party that lasted well into the night . Roni met all of Brock 's family including his crazy Gramma . They all had been welcomed with open arms and made to feel part of the family . Erin was passed around and awed over and Tracey found that Alexandria , Brock and Kevin 's other sister ; had a daughter just her age and they became fast friends . They had a night of celebration ; a celebration of life and a hope for a new beginning . Brock got the job done and relieved the big guy of the knife and found that he had been telling the truth , no other weapons were on him . He also picked up the gun off the counter as he walked by . The big guy began his story after lowering his arms . " You may not believe this but I promise that this is a true story . I 'm a Federal agent and have been under cover for 2 years trying to bust this gang that was trafficking drugs up from Mexico . I was still in deep cover when ' THIS ' happened , " he made a sweeping arm movement that encompassed the whole world going down the toilet and then continued " I have no family and couldn 't make contact with anyone in the FBI , so I decided to coast in my role and stay under cover . I haven 't been able to make any major difference in the violence that this gang has been spreading but I 've managed to take out one here and there in gun fights so that the gang thought they were killed by the others . There were fifty when it all went down but I never have killed any innocent and mostly acted as slightly ' not quite smart ' grunt . The Strikers can vouch for that . " Brock and Kevin looked at the Strikers , but Roni kept her eyes on the man . Both of the Strikers were nodding their heads and Michelle said " We both thought he was a slow one , he just would carry the heavy things around . He never did anything violent , it was the others . " Brock , Kevin and the Strikers all talked for a few moments and none felt like killing him in cold blood ; but were leary since they had no way to confirm his story except for him killing Bubba to protect Tracey . It seems that Bubba was getting fresh with Tracey at the same time the battle went down on the front porch . George had come in from the back , saw what was going on , and simply pulled him away from Tracey and shot him dead . " I 'm wondering how you managed to get in with this gang by playing a mentally challenged fella … . " Inquired Roni , who had by now taken Erin from Brock and was gently rocking her . Erin was finally calming down and was almost asleep on Roni 's shoulder . " That was much easier than I thought it would be . I pretended to be ' in love ' with Candy and once Candy realized how I ' doted ' on her ; I wasn 't let out of her sight . Mandy made me Candy 's protector and let me tell you , if the world hadn 't been turned upside down , I would have demanded hazard pay at least five times higher than what is normal for that job . " They all had a giggle at that because after what they had seen of Candy , it couldn 't have been an easy job . " Well , we still don 't know if we can trust you or not , but it 's obvious we can 't just kill you in cold blood either ; so we are going to tie you up for now and then decide what to do with you . " Mike said . Both Brock and Kevin tied George up . They then looked around and thought about the porch outside and promptly untied him and told him he was going to help with the clean up first . It was a long evening for all of them . They never did bother to tie George back up since he not only had many opportunities to run away but there was a couple times he could have grabbed any one of them and made them a hostage . They really began to believe his story when Mike saw his tattoo on his left shoulder blade when he took his shirt off to wash up after all the bodies had been taken care of . The tattoo told the story of a soldier who had seen combat and survived . Mike had a similar one on his shoulder blade . " I only know of two companies that got these tattoos and I had a good buddy in the one that wasn 't mine . He didn 't come home after the War . His name was Tom Holder . " " Tickin ' Time Bomb Tom ? " exclaimed George . " He saved my butt over there more than once . I was there when he was hit , did what I could do to make him comfortable but he was gone when the medic got there . There was just nothing else I could do to save him , he had been hit bad . " Mike and George set off by themselves for while talking about Tom and the war . Tracey had fallen asleep sitting up in a chair , so Brock went over and picked her up and Roni followed with Erin as he went outside . They got the girls settled in the truck for the night with the windows down some for fresh air . They made up their own beds right beside the truck but Roni scooted hers right next to Brocks and fell asleep with her head on his shoulder . Kevin and George took first watch . " Not really , it 's embarrassing and full of stupidity on my part . " retorted Roni " I really was an idiot ! I was changing Erin 's diaper before we were going to go hide and Tracey was in her little cubby . Well , I had just gotten Erin back in her seat with a pacifier and was walking around to get into the drivers seat . I just happened to glance into the side mirror and got a glimpse of a dude behind me with a gun raised above his head . I just didn 't move fast enough . Next thing I knew , I was here tied up next to you . " " Don 't feel bad , I also got caught with my pants down , so to speak . Wasn 't paying enough attention to my surroundings ; a couple of guys from this gang here crept up on me while I was spying on the place . Although I didn 't get knocked out ; I was quite embarrassed to be caught like that . " Brock sighed deeply and continued " So I reckon we got less than an hour for Kevin to make an appearance … one way or another . " " Let 's hope he is a bit smarter than we 've been . " giggled Roni . " Listen to us , here we are tied up , for now , our babies are in there with who knows who and here I am giggling my butt off . " " Sounds like a nervous giggle to me . I know how worried you are , I am too . Somehow I 've come to love those girls as if they were my own ! I would gladly give my life for them . And we will figure out a way to get them away safe and sound ! So don 't give up hope now ! " demanded Brock . A strange look came over Roni 's face just then . Then they both could hear a soft whisper " I 'm going to cut your ropes , but pretend you are still tied . There is some guy watching you from the window . " Kevin proceeded to cut the rope that was tying Roni 's wrists . They could just barely hear a soft slithering sound and a few moments later Brock 's wrists were also free . While this was happening , they kept up a soft chatter of worry about the girls . Hoping that it was loud enough to cover any sound Kevin may be making , but not so loud that it sounded false . They ended up being free and each had a knife pressed into their hands . Then Kevin was gone . They only had to wait about fifteen minutes before a couple of the biker guys came out , they were arguing with each other . " I 'm telling ya Peanut , Critter and Snag should have been back ten minutes ago . " " JimTom , they are probably off jerking around somewhere . " Then Peanut 's attention was drawn to Brock " Well , are ya comfy there fella ? " Then to be mean he walked over to Roni and ran his hand over her chest " Is this your woman ? I 'm gonna love teaching her new … . " was all he got out as Roni 's foot connected with his private parts and he keeled over in pain , not even able to get a whine out . The door was yanked open and Mandy and two of the bikers were standing there . " What the hell is going on out here ? " She demanded . Candy pushed herself between the two bikers and to Roni 's horror she had Erin in her arms . It took all of Roni 's inner strength to NOT move and rip Erin out of Candy 's arms . Since Peanut still couldn 't speak , JimTom started to say something but Roni quickly gained control of herself and broke in with " That creep tried to feel me up and so I put him in his place ! I don 't let ANY man touch me that way ! He needs to be put down for daring to treat a woman like trash ! " Mandy looked from Roni to Peanut and said " Serves you right Peanut ! You have no business touching her until I give her to you . You forgot your place in the way of things and so you should be glad that I don 't discipline you further . Get his ass out of here JimTom and I don 't want to see his sorry face around until morning . You two can pull guard duty all night long ! " She then swung her gaze back to Roni who was looking at Candy and Erin . She followed her gaze and said " Doesn 't my sister make a good mom ? We are going to keep them and raise them up to not take crap from anyone . Oh yeah , we 'll be changing their names , too . " Before she could say anything else , an arrow landed in the chest of one of the bikers standing at the door way . As Candy watched the growing red circle surrounding the arrow , Roni and Brock sprang into action , keeping low Brock grabbed Erin out of Candy 's arms and jumped off the porch since he was the closest to her . Roni grabbed Mandy as another arrow found the throat of the other male biker . He went down trying to scream and only gurgled blood . Mandy began to scream for the others but Roni grabbed her hair , pulled her head back and up , and slit her throat . She went down gagging on her own blood . Candy went hysterical and began chasing after Brock and Erin . Roni barely managed to stick a foot out and trip her up as she started toward the stairs at a full run ; she tripped and landed at an odd angle on the ground at the foot of the stairs . There was a gun shot from inside and Roni ran for the doorway , thinking of Tracey . She skidded to a stop about five feet inside when she realized that Mike Striker had a gun on a big guy who she hadn 't seen yet and as she glanced down , she saw Bubba , the one who had caught her , was dead on the floor . The big guy had his hands up and was silent . There was a gun on the counter not far from him . Michelle had Tracey with her over in a corner of the big room that they used to serve customers in . The place was a wreck . Roni ran over to Tracey and put her arms around her and gave her a big hug ! She didn 't even realize she was crying until Tracey asked her why there were tears on her face . " I 'm just very glad to see you and know that you are ok . " Just then Brock came into the room with Erin crying loudly and Kevin following him . " They are no longer a problem . " replied Kevin . " So what are we going to do with you ? You seem to be the last one of this here gang . " asked Mike of the big guy . Tracey broke away from Roni and ran to the big man , " His name is George and he 's my friend ! He shot that bad man who wanted to hurt me . " She declared . There were ten motorcycles in front of the mom and pop shop . The Striker sign looked like it had been shot up and was hanging down on one side . There was a RV off to the side of the parking lot and a heavily tattooed and muscled man was walking out of the door saying something to someone behind him . But the person didn 't come out and he shut the door . There were three guys that were also tattooed and dressed like bikers , watching a skinny blonde woman yelling at one of the posts of the porch . After a few more shouts and a shaking of her fist ; she collapsed across the steps in a heap . No one bothered to check her and the show over , they turned their attention elsewhere . The RV door opened and another blonde woman stuck her head out and Brock could clearly hear her yell " Bubba ! Pick her up and at least put her on the porch ! " The first man finished walking toward the porch and not so gently picked the limp woman up and half carried and half dragged her all the way up on the porch and over until she was under one of the windows . ' Hmmmm , wonder what that is all about , ' thought Brock as he continued to watch the scene below . He had seen both Mike and Michelle Striker just about fifteen minutes ago come out of that RV and they didn 't look like they were their happy go lucky selves . Their hands had been tied together and " Bubba " had taken them into the store before he went back to the RV . So far he had now counted five different male bikers and two blonde females but he figured that there had to be more since there were ten bikes . It looked like the blonde in the RV was the one in charge and if he wasn 't mistaken the two blondes were sisters . He had been on this hill for just under an hour and he needed to get back to Roni and Kevin within the next thirty minutes or they would begin to worry and have to come up with plan B . It was the " Pick a Number " game that kept Roni from scouting ahead . The adults were not quite , but almost arguing about who was going to go when Tracey said " Pick a number between one and twenty " . Roni picked 13 , Kevin picked 5 , and Brock picked 15 ; the number was 16 so Brock " won " and was relieved to know it wouldn 't be Roni . The pressure on his head and the click of a hammer being pulled back brought Brock abruptly back to the present . Brock 's heart went from his throat to the bottom of his gut at the laugh from JimTom as they pulled him to his feet , relieved him of his gun , and then half pushed him down the hill . Back at the truck , Kevin and Roni knew something had gone wrong since Brock was 45 minutes late . " Knowing my brother , I 'm sure he is in some kind of mess . I 'm going to get him out . " Working quickly , they found a likely spot to stash the trailers but the truck wouldn 't fit in that same spot so they covered the trailers with the camouflage netting they had brought and Roni took the truck and Kevin took the jeep . Kevin heading towards a dirt road that went off of the highway to find a place to park it and then he was going to head to the store on foot . It was about thirty minutes later that Kevin was lying down on top of a hill and looking down into the small valley where the " Striker 's Restaurant and Gift Shop " set about thirty feet from the road . He could clearly see his brother tied to one of the posts of the porch and there was evidence that he had been knocked around . There were two blondes standing in front of him on the porch and one was acting like she was tripping on drugs , with all her hollering and gesturing and then she would get real close to Brock and start running her hands all over him . The other blonde didn 't seem to be paying too much attention but Kevin could see that she was asking Brock questions and wasn 't getting the answers she wanted . Every once in a while she would slap Brock and the other woman would laugh hysterically . Kevin 's heart sank when he saw the truck that Roni and the girls had been in pull up to the front of the store . All heads turned to the sound . A big burly man got out of the drivers side and said something to the Boss Blonde and Kevin saw Brock tense up and try to pull at his bonds . Helpless , Kevin watched as an unconscious Roni was pulled from the passenger side of the truck . Then Tracey was giving heck about something , probably her baby sister . Sure enough when they pulled Erin 's car seat out , Tracey was right there over seeing the safety of her sister . But the big man was very gentle with Erin and Tracey . They tied Roni up onto another porch post and took the girls into the store . The Blondes went inside also . Kevin was beside himself and slowly backed off the hill and headed back to the Jeep . He was going to rescue his brother and new friend and the girls if it was the last thing he did . Once at the Jeep , he dug around until he came up with two handguns and four extra clips for each . He already had one knife strapped on but he slid another one down his left boot in a special holder that was built into the boot . At the last minute he grabbed one of the bows and a handful of arrows . The sun had gone down behind the mountains by the time that Kevin got back up to a good position to view what was going on . Roni was awake now and just by her body language , Kevin could tell she was ticked off . He couldn 't see the girls anywhere but the Boss Blonde was talking with Roni and Brock and the other blonde was what looked like sleeping on the porch off in one corner . Looking around , Kevin could see at least two people walking around on the other side of the restaurant going up the hill in the back . Figuring that they would eventually work their way to where he was , Kevin decided to meet them half way and try to even up the odds somewhat . Roni was livid , the blonde called Mandy , who seemed to be calling all the shots ; was refusing to let Roni see the girls . " I just want to know that they are ok . " Roni insisted " I can hear the baby crying , she is probably hungry . Please let me go to her and feed her . " " All in good time , the child isn 't going to die unless you try something . Now I want to know if there are any more people out there that I need to be worried about . And please tell me the truth , or those precious girls you care so much about will be the ones to suffer . " Roni was saved from answering because the other blonde suddenly woke up and was demanding a hit of something . " Calm down Candy . I have what you need , come on with me to the RV . " said Mandy but to Roni she exclaimed " Don 't think I 'm through with you yet . " And the two blonde sisters went over and into the RV . Roni and Brock locked eyes . Roni was at a loss as to what to say . She didn 't want to get Kevin hurt , but she was not going to do anything that would harm the girls . There wasn 't anyone on the porch right then . All the male bikers were in the store . They could hear Erin crying and Tracey singing to her trying to sooth her and at the same time complaining to everyone in there that her baby sister needed to eat ! " Go ahead and tell her , Kevin will understand . I 'm hoping that he is working on a way to help us out here . Even if we tell about him , he can still be our secret weapon . " " Please let me see my girls . I promise I won 't try anything , I really need to hold my baby ! " She was ignored as the pair walked down the stairs of the porch , retrieved the diaper bag with bottles and formula out of the truck and went back into the restaurant . Mandy and Candy came back out of the RV and both Roni and Brock could tell that Candy was rip roaring high . She was talking a mile a minute and practically bouncing towards the restaurant instead of walking . She came right up to Roni and began talking . " I think I 'm going to keep those girls I always wanted to be a momMandydoesn ' tcare andiwillbeagoodmomIjustknowIwill , I ' llbeamuchbettermomthanourmomwastous ! " she rattled on and as she spoke she spit all over Roni . Candy 's eyes were dilated so much that Roni could barely tell what color they were . It looked like Candy had a Meth habit and that her sister somehow didn 't mind her having it . " You get your own sister high ? What is wrong with you ? " asked Brock while observing how Mandy and Candy were interacting . Mandy actually looked amused at her sister 's actions and he could tell that Candy knew she was pleasing her sister ! Mandy decided to answer Brock with " My sister has a medical problem , she is a narcoleptic . By giving her Meth , she is able to stay awake for awhile . Otherwise she will sleep for literally weeks at a time . This way she only falls asleep when I want her too or when the Meth wears off . The only bad thing is she is needs a larger dose of Meth and at smaller intervals . So you see ; I do this because I love my sister , not that I 'd expect you to understand . " Brock looked over at Roni with a grin on his face , she also had a grin . Mandy had just told them her weakness . They had a new secret weapon ! After driving for four straight hours , Kevin decided that they needed to find a safe place and get out and stretch a bit . Tracey had fallen asleep for the past two hours , but now was awake once more and announcing that she was indeed hungry enough to eat a horse , not that she would … . but she was just that hungry and she REALLY needed to go " potty " . In the truck , Roni had come to the conclusion that she and back seats just did not get along real well even though she had rearranged the back seating area five times , she just could not stretch her legs out . So she was relieved when she saw that Kevin had put on his blinker . Both vehicles pulled over to the side of the road . Erin was sleeping in her seat since Roni had just taken her out and changed her diaper and fed her a bottle . Kevin was helping Tracey out of the jeep as Brock and Roni stepped up to the trailer on the back of the jeep . " I think it 's time for some lunch " remarked Kevin as Tracey jumped up and down nodding her head and saying something about looking for a horse . Roni wasn 't quite sure what she was talking about but convinced her to come around to the back of the truck where Tracey told Roni of her need for a bathroom . Roni spied some bushes off to the side of the road , grabbed a few Kleenex , and told the guys to keep an eye on Erin since she and Tracey had some business to attend to . It didn 't take too long and they were back at the truck where , after washing their hands with some bottled water and a bar of soap , together they got some thick ham sandwiches made up and grabbed a big golden delicious apple for everyone , except Erin of course . They only had water to drink , but it managed to refresh them . As they munched on the apples ; Roni , Brock and Kevin looked over one of the maps that was in the glove box of the truck . They had a map of Utah stretched out over the hood of the truck . Tracey had crawled in the truck and was in ' her room ' looking at some picture books and sounding out words in them . It had took a bit of wiggling because Erin was right in front of the window but she managed without disturbing her baby sister . " No , not yet anyways . What I 'm worried about is getting more gas . We haven 't passed any cars at all for the past two hours . I figure we have enough in the cans to top the jeep and truck off and then we really need to find some more gas . I think we should go ahead and top the jeep off , but use the gas in the extra tank in the truck and save the cans for the jeep . " " Good idea and since we decided to stay on the 6 , there is a little Mom and Pop store just before we get to the next set of hills . I figure it 's about 20 more miles . And at the rate we are going , it will take us not quite an hour to get there . They have gas tanks and a small restaurant . When I would come this way , I would always stop and have a meal . They used to make a mean breakfast special that you could get any time of the day " said Roni . " I really think we should seriously consider stopping there and resting up somewhat . I am hoping that the owners are still around . But with how things are now , we may end up with nothing . I would be inclined to think they are so far out of the way that no one has bothered them , but after what happened with Tracey 's family ; well , I am having my doubts . " " I know the place you are talking about . " responded Brock . " I know the owners , they are Mike and Michelle Striker and I was hoping to check on them as we came through here anyways . But I think the smart thing to do would be to check the area out before we go in there blindly " Roni volunteered to drive the jeep and go in alone first but both Brock and Kevin protested that it was too dangerous . Roni just stared at them and then calmly told them that the girls ' safety was most important and that she felt better knowing that they would be safe with the guys . Just then Tracey came back up and announced that Erin had woken up and was needing to get out and stretch her legs too . Roni laughed and walked back to the truck and gathered Erin into her arms . Brock was hit hard by the sight of Roni carrying Erin ; somehow it shook him to his core . Roni seemed to glow with a deep , serene confidence that clearly showed she was indeed now Erin 's mom . He walked around the hood of the truck to Roni , gently lifted her chin up to face him with his fingers and ever so softly kissed her mouth . Tracey broke the moment by giggling . A few evenings later Brock and Roni were sitting on the scrubbed front porch steps sipping on hot coffee . They all had worked hard to get ready and they were going to pull out in the morning , bright and early . They had gotten the truck started and found an enclosed trailer to hook up to it . They filled all the gas cans they could find , both tanks in the truck , and the jeep with gas from the upright gas storage tank that sat next to the barn . They also found a small flat trailer made for pulling motorcycles and had hooked that up to the jeep with Roni 's bike on it . It had been hard figuring out what to take since they all doubted that they would be back anytime soon and they also had to decide whether to leave the place standing in case Tracey or Erin wanted to come home someday or burn it so no one would trash the place . They knew they didn 't have room for everything ; yet , they wanted to take keepsakes for the girls in case they didn 't want to come back . So in the end they decided to board up all the windows they could and lock up as best as they could . And if someone broke in , then someone broke in . It was decided that all the weapons would go , although there wasn 't many ; just a few rifles and two compound bows plus all the ammo and arrows they found . All the food would go except that in the freezer . Most of the food was already canned . There was mostly meat in the freezer and it wasn 't full , only about half way . They ate the steak for every meal while they were there . They cleaned out both the frig and freezer and fit all they could in the four coolers they found . The venison was tossed into the woods for the animals since it wasn 't really fresh anymore . They took all the clothes they could find for Tracey and Erin plus some blankets and pillows . Tracey was going to cram all her favorite toys , books , and special things into the back seat of the truck , claiming that spot for her own ; but since she was so small and there was a shell on the back of the truck , Roni took the mattress off of the crib and Still sipping on the coffee , Roni and Brock could hear wolves howling and snarling at each other off in the distance . They both had grins on their faces . Brock gave a deep warm laugh at her words . Roni felt warmth begin to grow deep in her own chest . Their eyes locked onto each others and electricity seemed to course between them . Kevin coughing in the door way broke the spell they seemed to be under and they looked away from each other , both were blushing slightly and grinning . " Must be because you love to make up voices for all the characters . " remarked Brock . " And I volunteer for the first watch , because somehow I don 't think I 'm going to get to sleep anytime soon . " Kevin was driving the jeep with Tracey safely buckled in the front seat next to him begging for stories . Brock was driving the truck following behind with baby Erin making cute baby noises and looking around with wonder in her car seat in the middle of the back seat , safely buckled in . Roni was riding in the back seat next to Erin playing with her tiny fingers and hands . No one looked back as they drove down the driveway . They only stopped to replace the log across the faint driveway . " Ok guys , I 'm going to get Erin cleaned up and fed . Will you two go get our vehicles ; do you think you can find the driveway again ? " She was worried they might get lost . It didn 't take the guys too long to get back and begin to clean up the yard . The first thing they did do was dig a large grave for Lana and Marcus . The rest of the bodies , they drug out into the woods , far away from the house . They used Roni 's motorcycle to do that ; so it didn 't take long . They had gone through all the pockets of the bad guys and didn 't find too much . Some cash , a couple of knives , and some ammo for the guns they had been carrying . After burying Marcus and Lana , they all gathered by the grave and Tracey laid two big roses on top that she had clipped from one of the bushes in the garden by the back door , with just a little help from Kevin . Roni was holding Erin and said a small prayer . Tracey quietly said " Good - bye for now mommy and daddy . I 'll see you again when Jesus wakes you up . Sleep tight . I love you and I will take care of Erin for you . " Please leave comments and let me know what you think ! It helps me grow as a writer ! If you don 't want to leave a comment , why not simply click on a ' reaction ' below each chapter ? : ) thanks ! on one of my blogs I will be simply talking about things that catch my eye . This will be a wide variety of topics . on another blog , I will be posting stories that I 've written and links to stories I 've read and enjoyed . And on my other blog , I 'll be talking all about plants . |
( Grab a cup of coffee . This can 't be read in 5 minutes . Don 't try to read it on your phone , it 's a book chapter . Read it like you would a book . Don 't skim it like an article . Sign up at the bottom to be on the mailing list so you don 't miss other chapters I post . I 'd like your feedback . Criticism is welcome . Remember , this is only the first draft . ) January , 2010 . I love Morgan 's mom . She has been good to me . Morgan didn 't understand , I would never do anything to hurt her mother . I knew Sonni was sick and it wasn 't looking too good . She has been back and forth to the doctors . She didn 't want to tell at first because she didn 't want me to worry , but I knew already . I never said anything to her because I didn 't want to be disrespectful . Morgan sent me a Christmas card telling me her mom was sick . She told me not to say anything . She didn 't understand why we were writing to each other . She even asked her mom why she was spending so much time writing to me . What was the interest ? I can see how she might have thought it was a little strange , we really hadn 't gotten to know each other except for that one trip to Texas when we first met . When she started writing to me I was surprised , but I was also happy because she seemed to honestly care about how I was doing . I needed that . Morgan thought maybe I was using her to get money , but I could never do that . It hurt me , her thinking I would do that to her mom . I didn 't say anything because I didn 't want to disrespect her mother by putting my nose where it didn 't belong . I was scared to bring up the subject because I didn 't know what to say . I was waiting for her to tell me . Sometimes we do crazy things when we 're young because we don 't think about the bad things that could happen to us . We don 't think ahead far enough about what could happen . Sometimes the only way to learn is by making mistakes . Mistakes are a part of life . If we learn something from it then it can 't be all bad . Morgan told me her mom has Hepatitis C . She got it a long time ago , before she had kids . Most people don 't know they have it for a long time . Back then they didn 't know anything about it . They found out about it the same time they found out about AIDS but they swept it under the rug and didn 't make a big deal about it . AIDS was killing people left and right so they concentrated on that . Doctors didn 't know much about it , either , so there wasn 't much they could have done about it anyway . Gradually , over the years she started getting sick and didn 't know why . Now she has cirrhosis of the liver and has to think about getting on the liver transplant list . It 's been hard for her to keep her store open in Key West . I 'm not sure what she 's going to do . I feel bad she has to go through this . Needing a liver transplant is a big thing . I think this is why she is concerned about my seizures . She understands what it 's like being sick . She is not the only one who has been hurting . I 've had four seizures in the past month . I don 't want her to worry about me , like she doesn 't want me to worry about her . But we worry about each other , anyway . I 'm okay . I 've been getting these seizures my entire life ; ever since I was born . It hurts me to know she 's hurting and in so much pain . I will continue to pray for her . The doctor was able to drain some of the fluid out through her abdomen since her liver isn 't working right anymore . She said she put on a lot of weight from the fluid building up , and it makes her look as if she 's about to have a baby ! Because I 've been getting seizures my entire life I think my family is immune to it . It 's no big deal to them . They have kind of a ' so what ' attitude . I do know what it 's like to be sick for a long time and it 's not going to go away . No one else can understand what it is like to feel a seizure coming on and know there is nothing that can be done to stop it . They don 't know what it is like to wake up out of a dead sleep while having a seizure . I don 't want any pity , just understanding that it is hard . I wouldn 't wish this on anyone . Maybe someday doctors will find a way to stop them . Mom sent me an article about hemp oil and how there has been success with some patients who have epilepsy . They are finding all kinds of good things marijuana can do to help with different illnesses . I think that 's crazy . There are all these people in prison for smoking pot , or having it on them , and now there are all these medical things it helps cure . It 's making the government nuts because each side is determined to get their way . Why would they want to keep it from people if it helps them ? That 's wrong . I wonder if it would help me . When I had surgery when I was twelve , because my brain was bleeding , the doctors were able to stop as much of it as they could . It helped . It slowed down the seizures , but it didn 't stop them . When I 'm stressed they can get really bad . With mom being sick , I wrote to her and said , " It 's going to be okay . Take one step at a time . Stay strong and don 't give up ! Rest as much as you can . I wish I was home . I would be there for you . I 'm glad you say you 're going to stay on top of thing and eat the right food . We both know our illnesses won 't heal on their own no matter what we do . Let 's always look at the bright side of things . Let 's think about joy instead of the pain . " I wish she could come and visit . I 'm going to put her on my visitors list , just in case . In my letter I also wrote , " I 'm glad you care about me , mom . However , I have a question . Please don 't take it the wrong way . Why do you care so much about someone you only met once ? If you were to ask me that question , believe it or not , it 's not because I love your daughter . It 's because I have a kind heart , too , mom . I want you to get well . You are my son 's grandmother so you will always be family to me . I 'm thankful you care about me . I want you to know that . I do appreciate your love . Hello mom , how are you ? Fine and in the best of health , I pray . I 'm sorry it took so long for me to write back . I haven 't really been feeling well . I 'm sorry , before I move on in this letter I want to thank you for your love and support . I 'm very thankful , mom , I promise you . You didn 't have to send me any money or order any books . I understand your situation , truly , mom . Due to the fact that things aren 't doing good at the store , I feel you are sending me money you need yourself . I don 't like that because I feel like I 'm hurting you . I don 't want anyone to think I 'm using you . So please mom , don 't send me anymore money . If I can 't get my family to help me out from time to time , then they don 't love me the way they say they do . It 's not about the money , it 's about what my family is doing . I 've been writing letters and no one is writing me back . I feel as if I 'm wasting stamps sometimes . It 's not like Morgan to not write back to me . It 's just not like her , and that really worries me . Mom , you 're the only person I 've heard from . Really , I 'm just hurt that I haven 't heard from her . Receiving a letter from her gives me a feeling in my heart that warms me up . I 'll just stay positive and look forward to a letter from her soon . Speaking of being positive , I 'm glad you 're staying positive and taking good care of yourself . It 's hard to do that when you are sick , and you push yourself too hard . It 's always good to think and stay positive . As for my health , it 's really hard to say . I had another seizure on Saturday . I was asleep when it happened . It was around 2 AM when I came to . However I didn 't receive any medical help until about 8 : 30 . They have a nurse on call , but the officers didn 't want to do the paperwork . These people here have a careless heart toward anyone behind these doors . This is one of the reasons I 've been writing to my ( bio ) mom . I wanted to get her to call up here and talk to the warden for me . However , I think that 's out of the question . I have another cellmate . Some are really hard to get along with . Most of the black ones I have trouble with . I 'd rather have a cellmate with another race . My last cellmate was black and he was so disrespectful . It hurts me to think about it . Oh , about our meeting on the hill . How does 8 PM sound ? I go to sleep around 6 . We 'll meet in our dreams . Just last night you , me and Morgan were on a picnic . We sat and talked about life and watched the sunset . It was wonderful being with my family . Next time we 're going to bring the kids , okay mom ? Well , I have to go . It 's almost that time . November 2011 , I got moved from E pod 76 cell to 49 . 49 cell is in the corner . It 's not unusual to get moved around . The dude next to me has seizures , too . I don 't know if it 's from epilepsy , like me . Just yesterday morning I had another one . Later that night , after I went to sleep , I woke up to get a drink . I called to him to check on him , just to make sure he was okay . There is a hole in our wall so we can talk to each other . He never answered back , so I thought he must be asleep . However , right after I went to lay back down , I heard him fall and it sounded like he hit his head on something . I got worried about him because I know what it 's like to have a seizure when you 're sleeping and fall out of bed . He could have been hurt pretty bad . I called for an officer but nobody came , so I yelled for others down the hall to help get the guard 's attention . We started kicking the doors as loud as we could , and started screaming to get the guards to come help . When they finally came , his mouth was all busted up . There was blood everywhere . After he was taken care of and they brought him back to his cell , he called me through the hole . He says to me , " look " . When I did , I saw he had cut himself with a razor . He did it on purpose . He wanted me to see he was bleeding . Again I got help for him by kicking the door . I don 't think he 's all there in the head . I 've only been in this new cell for one day , and already it is stressing me out . I don 't think I 'm going to get much sleep . As soon as I go to sleep I wake up and go check on him . If I 'm asleep , he starts hitting the wall again . I get up again to see if he 's okay , or if I need to get him help again . This can 't be a new thing for him . He should be in a place where he can get help , or guards should check on him regularly . It 's going to keep happening and it 's up to everyone else to make sure he 's okay , and that 's not right . There are way too many inmates here with mental problems . Just because they are locked up doesn 't mean they shouldn 't get care . Sick in the body or sick in the head , it 's all sickness and they need to do something about it . There are things I want my son to understand . I wrote to Morgan about it . I want her to drive it into little Jamie 's head that I never meant for this to happen . I have always wanted to be there for him . I don 't want him to ever think I don 't love him . He is the most important person in my life . I don 't want him to end up here like me . I hope she tells him often . I told her it would be hard for me to get through to him by reading him my letters . Don 't get me wrong , my letters are a good thing and they won 't stop . However , I told her , when the time is right , I need to see him . I want to see him . He 's at an age where he understands . He and I need to meet face to face again . It 's been over three years now since I 've seen him . That 's a good long stretch . He needs to see me as much as I need to see him . It breaks my heart I sent a letter to Megan , but it 's for my mom if she has her address . I don 't have an address for her . She moves around a lot . I asked her a lot of questions . I told her that no one is writing to me but you . I 'm not trying to make her angry . It 's just something for her to think about . I 'm trying to see if I can get some help from her . I also asked her about the family . I 'm always kept in the darck . No one tells me anything that happens . I also told her I was sorry I made things hard on her in the past . I told her how I was doing right now , which was not too good . It 's been crazy in here the past few weeks . Well , it 's crazy every day but I try not to pay attention to it . I do my best to take my days one at a time . They put me on anti - depression meds because they say something is wrong with me . I don 't take it because nothing is wrong with me . I think they want to keep me doped up . I 've gone on a few hunger strikes , off and on . The longest I 've stayed on one is a week and a half . I just have those kinds of days . I don 't want to do this or that . It causes trouble sometimes . Oh well , I just have that ' I don 't care ' feeling at times . All of us have been getting into it with the officers . We 've been without hot water for over a month . We 're also back on lockdown for 30 days . Once again , the only thing they feed us is peanut butter . I guess treating us like this is part of the punishment , But I don 't remember being allowed to starve us was part of the sentence . No one stops them . There is no oversight . The officers do what they want and get away with it . On top of everything , an officer slammed my finger in the tray slot on the door - on purpose . It was a really deep cut . I made them take me to medical where they took a picture of it . I had to get an x - ray a few days later because it wouldn 't close . He told the sargent he did it , but that it was an accident . He said he didn 't mean to do it because he didn 't see my fingers . That was a lie . It wasn 't the first time he had tried to do that . I told him I wanted to talk to the lieutenant . This guy is the kind of dude who doesn 't like to be overruled by anyone . The lieutenant told me to tell the officers to call him about moving me to another cell , because also , the cell continually leaks water from the shower . One night I fell getting up to use the rest room . I hurt my ankle and had to go to Medical about that , too . They are trying to hurt me . I know they are . This cell also leaks bad when it rains , and they know it , because an officer told me the dude who was in here before me got moved because of it . They want me to fall their trap but I won 't . I 'm writing up a grievance on this officer because I feel he is a threat to me . I also feel he will try to retaliate once he finds out what I 'm doing . To go through this process will take 60 - 120 days . They make it long to discourage anyone from filing a complaint . It goes into the guard 's file and keeps them from getting promoted . The the guard retaliates and makes life miserable . Even if the inmates feel threatened it keeps a lot of them from trying to do anything about it . I 've also been getting into it again with these people about my medications . They are trying to give me something and I don 't know what it is . Hell , they don 't even know what it is . Two different nurses are telling me it is two different medications . I 've asked to speak to the doctor , but they won 't let me . The pills are the same dosage , but they are two different colors . Not only that , one has powder in the capsule and the other one is a hard pill . Something is not right about this . One of the nurses told me Huntsville uses us as lab rats to test medications from pharmaceutical companies . Since this isn 't the first time I 've heard that , I stopped taking the ones that I 'm not sure what they are . I 'm not going to be a guinea pig . They put me on a different anti - depressant . A lot of people in here are taking them . They 've had me on so many different meds it 's crazy . I 've been on about four or five different ones . Now they have me on Thorazine . I had to stop taking it because it made me dizzy , lightheaded . I asked once if we could have a book on medications . The doctors are quick to put us on something and not tell us anything about it , except to say , " See if this helps . If not , put in a sick call . " Then they are in such a rush to get us out of their office . These meds they put me on ? if it isn 't upsetting my stomach , it gives me terrible headaches . One had me where I couldn 't use the bathroom . I 'm feeling bad all the time . I recently had a bad ear infection and all they would give me was an ibuprophen . I laid on my bunk with my head and my ear hurting so bad , but they wouldn 't give me anything to help with the infection . Mom looked up one of the medications they gave me . I asked the nurse how to spell it . It 's a little brown pill . I had already stopped taking it . Some medications are vicious . The side effects make you sicker than you already are . That 's why I don 't take just something they give me anymore . If I feel they are giving me too much of my seizure meds I won 't take them . Too much will hurt me . I don 't trust them to know what they are doing . I go by how it makes me feel . The people who work in the medical unit don 't know what the hell they are doing . I have such a bad pain in my tooth I can 't think straight . The first doctor I saw told me I had an infection when I told her about my pain . Then I saw another doctor , and he told me I not only didn 't have an infection , he told me there was nothing was wrong with me ! I asked him if he thought I was lying about my pain because the pain had to be coming from somewhere . I also told him the other doctor told me I had an infection . I asked him if that lady was lying , and he said , " I didn 't say that . " So I told him that somebody was lying , and I knew it wasn 't me . I could tell by his face he was mad . Who gives a shit ? I 'm in pain . He didn 't care about that . He just wanted to send me back to my cell . He 's here to waste time and get paid . The pain kept getting worse . I had to wait two months before they decided it was okay to take me to a dentist to maybe have my wisdom tooth pulled . Since they knew it had to be done , making me wait for two months was their way of torturing me . They wanted me to be in pain . No matter how many times I told them how bad I was hurting , they ignored me like they didn 't hear a word I was saying . Later , I was told there is a nerve that goes around the ear . I wasn 't kidding about being in pain . The dentist who tried to tell me there was nothing wrong with me had to know that , or he wasn 't he a real dentist . That wouldn 't surprise me . I think they only hire medical people who agree to not help people . I wonder if they even have a license to practice . I wouldn 't be surprised if they didn 't . Maybe this dentist couldn 't get hired anywhere else because he was so bad . The first week of this month I left on what is called a medical chain , to go to a unit in Huntsville that has a hospital in it . It took two days to get there , even though it is only a couple hours away . It takes that long because they pick up and drop off other inmates to units along the way . Sometimes we ride on a bus they call a Blue Bird , and sometimes on a van . I 've ridden on both . This trip was in the van . It is so damned uncomfortable . They really make the trip as hard on us as possible . We sit elbow to elbow in the van . On the bus you are cuffed to someone else . They pair everyone up . If we have to relieve ourselves there is a toilet , but if someone has to go , the other one has to go , too . So much for privacy if you have to do something other than pee . When I finally got to the hospital , I had to wait . There was others in front of me . It took two more days of waiting until it was my turn . Now it 's been four days since we left and the pain was bad . The gave me Tylenol with codeine and it helped some , but not enough . I 've had about all I can take . I want to just lay down and cry . Before I went in for the surgery they did x - rays . The photos showed up on the computer so I could see it . The one I was going to get pulled was growing sideways and was cutting my gums . The dentist saw the top left tooth in the back said , " Wow . " I asked what was wrong and he showed me the photo . You could see all my teeth perfect and he showed me the bad one and it was flat ! The word he used , was deformed . He asked if I wanted it removed . Of course I wanted him to take it out . I couldn 't keep it the way it was ! They don 't allow dentists to put us to sleep , even though this was a lot more than just pulling a tooth . He was going to have to cut it out . He was only allowed to numb it . He was digging at it for two hours ! When he finally got it out , the tooth had four roots ! It came out in five different sized pieces . All that pulling and pushing and drilling was bad . I held on , but I almost passed out . The bottom tooth needed work , too . He had to do a little more cutting . I felt every minute of it . We had to stop . I was in so much pain . I still am . It took four days to get back , as well . The hospital gave me more Tylenol with codeine during the surgery . Now that I 'm back in my own unit , their best meds are Ibuprophen . I 've been sleeping a lot to try and get away from the pain . The bad thing , It hurts like hell to chew or drink because my tongue is swollen . I 'm supposed to be on a soft diet , but the doctors here won 't give it to me . The guards only bring me solid food , which sometimes I can eat and sometimes I can 't . I try not to give these people what they want , which is to see if I get upset , so I just deal with it the best I can . If the pain becomes too much I 'm gonna try the right way first , to get help . If I don 't get help , there is only one other way . On a brighter note , I think of the beautiful the days outside . The sun , and taking a walk really sounds good . In my mind I can meet mom on the hill . We both will walk until we ache too much . Its cold down this way , as well . A jacket would be nice . It 's hard dealing with the way things are in here . It 's 2013 , but it could be any year . Nothing changes . Stress builds up inside me and it hurts . My head wants to explode into a million pieces . I had two more seizures back to back due to all the worrying . I have had so many seizures in here . Sometimes I feel like I 'm being backed into a corner . I think stress brings them on . The people who work in the medical unit don 't seem like they know what they are doing . Why are they working here , instead of a real doctor 's office ? They probably don 't get enough . Everyone is always in a bad mood . There is never a comforting touch or even a smile . They treat me like I 'm piece of dirt . I don 't think anyone in here would give a damn if the seizures killed me or turned me into a vegetable . If it happened to someone in their own family , they would be rushed to a hospital . But I don 't matter . I 'm only a convict . But just because I 'm in here doesn 't mean I deserve to be treated like this . The scary thing is , I don 't usually have seizures close together . I saw the doctor and she took some blood and said my level of seizure medication was in the toxic range . Did the last doctor give me too much ? She took my meds down to a lower dose . It didn 't help , so she put me on a different one . Right now I 'm on two different meds . I 'm not having the seizures quite as often , so that is good . It 's not unusual , though , to still have one or two a week . I had another seizure today . When I went to the medical unit I was told my sugar was low , 66 . It 's supposed to be between 70 - 100 . I know I need to see the doctor a lot . There is nothing I can do about that . It 's not my fault . It is the way it is . Some inmates rarely have to go to medical . It used to cost $ 3 to see the doctor or a nurse , but they changed all that . Now it costs $ 100 a year , whether you see a doctor one time or fifty times . When mom sends me money , they take half of it until it 's paid . Next year it starts all over . But for someone who doesn 't have a chronic condition , if he need to see the doctor for any reason he probably won 't go . Sometimes they get sicker , or it spreads to everyone else . Some people think we get medical care for free , but that 's not true . This small amount of money might not seem like much to some people , but when you don 't have money and no one sends any , it 's a lot . I also wouldn 't call what they do for us , medical care . They do as little as possible so they don 't have to pay for tests and prescriptions . Even things that are treatable they won 't treat it , and it gets worse and people die . Diabetes , heart disease , cancer . People die of these things because they are left untreated . They don 't care . The public doesn 't care . They think we deserve it . No one cares if we 're in pain . They just ignore us . Most states pay inmates who work , even if it is only a little , like 29 cents an hour . That adds up so you can at least by hygiene products and things like a fan or a hot pot to heat water for coffee or Raman noodles , if you have the money to buy those things . If you had a good skill on the outside , like working on computers or machinery you can make up to $ 2 an hour in some prisons . Most people don 't know inmates make a lot of things they buy in the store , like jeans and furniture ; all kinds of stuff . Inmates make everything the military needs and cops , too ; ammunition , bullet proof vests and uniforms . But those states where you make money , will probably give you a bill when you get released , charging you for room and board , and that can add up to many thousands of dollars . If you don 't pay it , they give it to bill collectors . * If you still don 't pay it they can send you back to prison for a money debt . It 's hard enough to get your life together and start over , probably working a low paid job . How are we supposed to have enough money to pay the prison for the lousy room and awful food they feed us ? Texas doesn 't pay anything to people who work . We are supposed to get good time instead , that comes off your sentence . They always find a way to take the good time away , so it isn 't much of a benefit to me . I think it 's just a way to keep from having to pay people to work . If you aren 't lucky enough to have someone put money on your books ; your account , then you have to find some way of getting the things you need . There are ways to make money if you want to take the risk . Some people have really long sentences , so they think , you do what you have to do . Drugs and cellphones are big business . Gay guys sell themselves for sex . Some dudes are hooked up with the guards who bring stuff in for them , especially cell phones . There are some inmates who keep a store in their cell for those who can 't go to commissary because of restrictions . They buy things and sell it for a profit or trade . Some are good at doing tattoos , which is always in demand , or they draw good and make personalized cards to send . I 've had some nice cards made to send to Jamie . I had a nice one made and sent to mom , too . It had a rose on it and when the card opened up it had her name in it . A prison is like a city in a city with it 's own set of rules and businesses . 6 / 18 / 2013 I have been moved to a different pod . I finally got moved from ad seg to G4 . I 'm waiting to be moved again to where the other G4s are . Here is the difference . In ad seg everything comes to you , like food . A guard puts it through a slot in the door . I can only come out of my cell one hour a day for rec or medical . I 'm always in handcuffs everywhere I go . They cuff my wrists to my waist and they cuff my ankles together so I have to shuffle with tiny steps . Sometimes I wish I could take off running down the hall . In G4 I 'm let out to watch TV and I can go to rec with everyone else . There are 84 of us . We get to walk to the chow , which is what I need , so I can stretch my legs . I 'm still having a lot of trouble with my knees swelling . That 's really it , but now that I think of it , I don 't think I 'm going to go to chow today . There 's this lady dishing up chow in the food line . She 's mad because I told her she needs to have a hair net on because it 's policy . To cover her ass she told the officer I threatened her . So I might not go to chow . I don 't want any problems . They can bring my food here . Fuck it , I 'm tired anyway . I 'm tired of starting over . I think people should do the things they are supposed to do . I don 't want to eat food that has her hair in it . When I do the right thing it always seems to get me into trouble . A couple days later - I went to the UCC today , prison court , and talked to the warden . He asked what happened and I told him . He said he was going to give me another chance , as if I was the one who did something wrong . Inmates are always wrong in every case . There is no justice in prison . I thanked him and walked out . There was no use saying anything else . It 's okay , as of right now I 'm not in any trouble . I 'll do my best to stay away from it . But as you know , I 'm around a lot of other people ( gangs ) . From what I was told , the officers trip about any small things ; shoes not tied right or any little thing like that , so I better be careful . I went to the medical unit today because of my left leg and knee . It swells up big . The doctor says it 's arthritis in my joints . Would arthritis make my leg swell like this , or is it an excuse because they don 't want to treat it ? It hurts bad , but he says there is nothing they can about it . Can 't or won 't ? I think there is something else wrong , but I guess it 's just something I have to deal with on my own . They sure aren 't going to help me . I heard of a doctor who won 't get within five feet of an inmate because he is scared of " catching " something . How can a doctor treat someone without getting close enough to touch him ? Corizon is the medical corporation that takes care of the inmates at this prison . They cover a lot of prisons . They got contracts because they convinced the prisons they could save them money . Sure they can , they don 't do what they need to do . They have a lot of lawsuits against them for not treating the illnesses of inmates the way they should . I suppose paying the lawsuits costs less than what the care would be . It 's a problem in all the prisons . It 's the same thing with the corporations who supply the food we eat , or programs for education . The bad thing is all the people on the outside who think we don 't deserve to get medical care . After all , we committed a crime . They think we deserve everything bad that happens in here . I have a new cellie . I 'm glad my old one got moved because all he did was cry and whine . That got a little hard to take after a while . But my new cellie ; he 's gay . I don 't have any problem with him being my cellie , but I let him know - don 't play no crazy games with me ! I told him I didn 't have any problem with him , and what he chooses to do is his business . Bad thing is , he got into a fight and got his head split open . That 's bad for me because I can get in trouble for it . I can get blamed . They will say I have been beating on him and extorting him for his things . That happens a lot in here . I told him he needed to tell on the dude who beat on him , in case the officers ask how his head got split open . I don 't even want my name brought up where I have to defend myself . I sure don 't need to get blamed for something I didn 't do , and it would be easy for that to happen . The road I 've lived on has been hard ; only because I chose to make it that way most of the time . My life has had sharp turns in it . However , I 'm trying to turn that story around . More things will likely happen in here . Life doesn 't stop for anyone . There are good days and bad days . I have a lot of bad days because of what I did to myself . I read the Buddhist magazine that comes to me every month . There is a reason why I have to go through this in my life . I can 't pretend it doesn 't exist . If this is the effect of causes I made in my life , then I need to learn how to make better causes so I can get past this and be happy . I read that it 's possible to find happiness anywhere , even in here . I read experiences of people who were in bad places in their lives and they turned it around . I want to believe that , but I don 't know how to do it in here . I try to chant these words , Nam - Myoho - Renge - Kyo . The words are about the law of cause and effect . It 's about looking inside yourself to understand who you are , and find the wisdom to change it . It isn 't easy trying to learn this by myself . I like reading the magazine and the newspaper . It 's all about positive things , and it 's encouraging . I know that when I prayed to God it did nothing for me and it didn 't make me happy . I did it because it was the only thing I knew how to do . It 's seems like it is all about being happy when you die . I trust mom . She 's been practicing Buddhism for a long time . She says chanting can raise your life condition up from being angry so when things happen you react from a better place . I can 't say I 've been very good at that yet , but I think I have to try harder to chant more . It 's hard to do that when people can hear me . They 'll think I 'm crazy . But I have to do something . I have a lot to change and it 's not going to change by itself . Being unhappy is my setback . It 's so hard to not be unhappy . How can anyone find happiness in a place like this ? I wish I could say I 've been better at fixing that . So I will keep reading and studying because these things that happen make me unhappy ? It just hurts my mind to think about it . January 2014 . I 'm not doing too good right now . I 've been going through hell with these people . They 're not giving me my medication like they 're supposed to . No one is trying to help me . No one will listen . Things have been going kinda downhill for me . I 've been having more seizures than I usually do . The last one I had to stay in the ER for hours with an IV in my arm . I have not been feeling very well . I don 't know what 's wrong . It 's not usually this bad . They can 't get my blood levels steady . They 're either too high or too low . The seizure medication really messes with me . I think they 're switching my medication around to test different things on me . They give me meds and then two weeks later they give me different ones of another color , but they say they 're the same thing . How can they be the same thing ? They don 't tell me what it is . They know I can 't look it up . I 'm just supposed to trust them . I can 't stop taking them because if I do , they will take me off them , meaning all medication , so I have no choice . This isn 't my only problem . I found out my real mom was in a car wreck . She broke her collar bone and had to have surgery . I was mad , hurt , and really upset with everyone . I was hurt because no one thought to write and tell me what happened . I had to wait weeks to find out . My cousin finally wrote and told me . To tell the truth , I 've had some crazy stuff on my mind lately . I have no way to let off this steam . I have lots of stress built up in me right now and it 's hurting me bad . I 'm losing it and I know it 's gonna hurt me sooner or later . I don 't know how to get it together . I need some help somehow . I wish I could see mom or Morgan right now . I wish we could have spent more time together as a family . I keep coming back to that because I don 't have anywhere else for my mind to go . It 's been four years since I 've seen Morgan and the kids and it hurts bad . I get angry at because I did this to myself and I 'm really feeling the pain for what I 've done . It 's 2015 and I 've been at the Wynne Unit in Huntsville for over a year now . Things have been really crazy the last two and a half months . I 'm on a special cell punishment , which was supposed to be a 30 day lockup . I argued with a guard and he filed a case on me . That 's a rule . We aren 't allowed to argue with them , even if we are right . Guards can do anything they want and there is nothing we can do about it . They can file a case against someone just because he has a grudge against him . In this case , though , the guard just plain lied . When it got to court , the guard who filed the case couldn 't be found . They called him for three days . After that , they had another guard stand in for him , who didn 't even witness what happened . I wasn 't allowed to attend , so it was just a sham . Of course , they found me guilty , and as punishment they took away the privileges I worked for years to get . This was the first time I ever had phone privileges , and now they were gone . Mom was the only person who registered her phone , so for three weeks we were able to talk . It felt so good to be able to go to the phone and call her . We could only talk for fifteen minutes , but to have a connection with someone on the outside was great . I was able to call her one last time to tell her it would the last call . In just a few minutes , the years I spent getting my level raised was over . It was all for nothing , at least that was how I saw it . I never had a chance to talk to my son . Morgan knew I finally got phone privileges but but I guess she thought she had more time to register her phone and didn 't know it would be taken away from me . It would have been different if I had deserved having it taken away , but I didn 't . My 30 days started on February 3rd . I was supposed to get off on March 3rd . They told me they didn 't have any open bunks so they kept me in lockup . I was told I might get shipped to another unit , on the other side of Texas . I didn 't want to do that . If I got shipped to West Texas there was no chance of ever getting a visit from anybody . My family wasn 't visiting me now , but maybe they would some day . I talked to everybody from the warden to the Major and no one would give an answer about what they were going to do with me . As the third term of this one month punishment comes to an end , and I watch more people come and go , it is starting to really get to me . For three months I haven 't even seen out a window . I 'm on lockdown 24 hours a day . I only come out of my cell for showers 3 times a week , if they decide to take me at all . I get no rec time . I get jacked for it every week . I was supposed to do this one 30 day term in lock up and go back to G4 . If they did that I could go to chow and rec every day , and be able to go to commissary . But now they say they don 't have room for me . They have me waiting in this no man 's land where I don 't have any classification at all . The guards just blow me off . They know they are supposed to take me to shower , but they don 't care and no one is going to make them do it . It is the only time I get to leave my cell and I should be able to get clean . The guards treat me this way to get me mad , and it works . I give them hell . They are treating me wrong , so I treat them wrong . They hate when I do something that makes them do paperwork , but to hell with them . I yell all day , beat and kick the door , and still , I 'm here . I had a bad seizure from the stress and spent 9 hours in the hospital . When this month ends , if I 'm not out of here , I 'm going to do it all over . I will make them send me to G5 , so at least I can go to rec and get some fresh air . G5 is the same as ad seg , which is no better than solitary . If they want to get rid of me all they have to do is classify me G5 . I didn 't want that before , but I 'm beginning think that might be the only way to stop this . But where they have me now , I 'm not even allowed to go outside . They put me in a cage inside the unit , and I walk around in it . I lost it , I know I did . I couldn 't stop myself . I can 't hurt them , but they can hurt me . This is what happens if you cage a living being and treat him like a dog . He 's going to try to bite back , and that is what I did . But I don 't want mom to get mad at me or be disappointed because I lost control . What if she stopped writing to me ? She 's been trying so hard to teach me a better way of doing things . In here , It 's easy to reach the point where you can 't think anymore . This is why dudes go crazy in here . I think they look at us like we 're some kind of perverted entertainment . They put the same officer in here with me that was here before . He is doing everything he can to work my nerves . He 's doing crazy shit just to take away my rec , because he can . He took away all of my things . I could keep my deodorant , soap and paper , but they took away all my books . Books are the only thing any of us have in here to pass the time . After four months they classified me G5 and I got my property back . Everything is so bad with the guards , though , that I see this only going from bad to worse . They aren 't going to stop trying to do everything they can to make my life miserable . I know it was my fault , too . I got angry at what they were doing . Was I just supposed to let them ? I know I have a very quick anger button , but they did everything they could to push me until I couldn 't take it any more . I got a bad cut on my foot in July and it wouldn 't stop bleeding . If I tried to walk and put pressure on it , it started to bleed more . A nurse stitched it up , but it busted open , and these folks here in the medical unit won 't stitch it back up again . They left it open . The 31st is the last day they 'll clean it . Then they 'll leave it be . I think they should clean it as long as it 's open . There are roaches all over the place . How I am I supposed to walk on the floor ? It 's really dirty so there has to be germs everywhere . I can 't put my shoes on . They said they don 't want to mess with it anymore because it 's in a difficult place . It 's between two toes on my right foot . I 'm in pain , and I have to deal with it the way it is because medical closes at 6 : 00 . I 've had two cases written up against me trying to get them to treat me . Why should that be so hard ? Because of that they put me on seven days of food loaf again , three times a day . So now they are starving me . It 's not possible to eat this shit , and that is exactly what it is . Not even a dog would eat it . These people don 't care about anyone . Just because I am locked up in a prison doesn 't mean I 'm not human . If this happened to someone they knew on the outside they wouldn 't treat them this way . If they did their job , I wouldn 't have had to keep yelling to take me to medical because there was blood all over the floor . Now they want to punish me for that ? Did I do something unreasonable ? In August I had a bad seizure that put me back in the hospital for four days . It was worse than most of the seizures I have . I never know when I 'm going to have one , but stress brings them on more . I feel like a guinea pig . Mom sent me an article that said prisoners have been used for decades to experiment different drugs . Laws were passed saying it was okay , because we owed a debt to society . That is creepy . This time they took me to H . M . H . , Huntsville Memorial Hospital . I received some news I wasn 't expecting . I was told by 3 different doctors that I might have inflammation around my heart . There is a thin pocket around the heart that holds it in place , and the pocket I have is swollen . This damn doctor here on this unit is telling me that I 'm fine , I don 't need any medical care , like he knows more than the doctors at the hospital . See , the doctors at the hospital don 't have an agenda other than doing what it takes to keep people alive . That is different than the doctor here at the prison . She could care less if people get the treatment they need . I can feel the pressure on my heart . Sometimes the chest pains are pretty bad . Maybe the doctor here thinks I 'm making it up ? The doctors at the hospital wanted a MRI done , but I would have to go to the hospital in Galveston because they don 't have one here . This fool doctor here tells me I don 't need one . At the hospital they did CT scans and 2 EKGs every four hours and put me on a heart monitor . The bottom line , the doctor here said they wouldn 't pay for an MRI . It didn 't matter if the doctors said I needed one to see how bad the inflammation was . I knew they weren 't going to treat it , and I was right . The doctors at Huntsville Hospital referred me to a cardiology doctor . They needed the MRI done because I 'm allergic to iodine , and they needed to use iodine for contrast when they do the CT scans , to get the proper test information they needed . Since they couldn 't use iodine , they need the results of an MRI instead . This fool ass Doctor here at the prison on the unit is only worried about how to pay for it . This is what happened when the medical corporations to over . Their profit margin is more important than people 's lives . After all I 'm felon , right ? I don 't deserve to have a life anymore . I didn 't have time to pack up my cell before I went to the hospital . But then , I didn 't think they 'd move somebody else in that fast with my stuff their and no one to protect it . I 'm sure he went through everything ; read my letters and took what he wanted . I asked the dude who 's in there about my dictionary set , because it 's missing . He said it wasn 't in the cell . I pretty sure he has it , but there is no way I can prove it . He gave did give me back a puzzle book I had . I talked to the guards about my missing stuff and they just say , write it up . They don 't like me . I don 't have time for their shit and lies . Stuff like this is why I get angry . I 'm gone for four days in the hospital and my stuff comes up missing . All my letters are everywhere , all mixed up and crammed in a bag . Soon after , I had to go to the hospital again because of chest pains . All major medical cases , that can 't be cured by drinking water , have to be taken there . It 's a long drive from Huntsville to Galveston . They wouldn 't pay the expense for that unless they were up against the wall . The prison will do whatever they can to deny medical care because they don 't want to pay medical costs , and I 'm an inmate who is costing them . . The cardiologist told them the same thing he told them last time : I needed medication for Pericarditis . Once again , the medical unit did nothing . I was told , again , I would be given the medication , but I have yet to receive any . I asked about it , but was told they were backed up in the medical unit . Backed up ? With what ? Every day they give out the medication people are on . Are they too busy to put another pill in a cup ? They give me the medication for my epilepsy , so why are they too backed up to give me the medication for my heart ? The only thing I can think of ; it is expensive and they don 't want to pay for it . They couldn 't care less if not having it kills me . They can say I died of natural causes . Mom looked up it up for me , and it is scary stuff . The sac around the heart gets inflamed and begins to harden and can 't expand and pump blood the way it should . When the body doesn 't get the blood it needs , that carries oxygen it causes shortness of breath and chest pains . It 's easily treated , but left untreated , the sac continues to harden and it can kill you . It 's the " easily treated " part that gets to me . Why they not want to treat an easily treatable condition ? That is why I say it is a money issue . Mom called the medical unit and they told her it isn 't even in my chart about the cardiologist saying I needed a certain medication . They wiped it out as though he never said it . But he did , and I was there . One evening I was having bad chest pains and was taken to the medical unit . Half the time there is no one there , so you sit in front of a computer screen and do a chat session with a nurse . She looked at me and , " You don 't look you are in pain . Drink more water . " What ? I don 't look like I 'm in pain ? She is such a good nurse that she can see if I am having chest pains through a computer screen ? She should take her unusual talent into the real world . She gave me the answer they are trained to give every one , no matter what their medical condition is : Drink water . Once again , the magic cure all . All doctors should just tell their patients to drink water , but then there would be no need for people to go see their doctor . It must be part of the training program for all medical units because every prison I 've been in it 's always the same answer . Water . Prison water has magic curing properties to it . The bottom line here is money . It 's always about money . They don 't pay for anything they can get away with . A lot of dudes in here suffer because they can 't get the help they need . People on the outside think we have this wonderful free medical , that people outside prison need but don 't have , but that is not true . No one in the free world would want the medical care we have . They let sick people get sicker and if they die , so what ? Believe it or not , two inmates died of heart attacks in the last two months . Medical is not here around the clock . They go home at 5 : 30 pm and don 't come back until 2 : 30 - 3 : 00 am . There are too many sick people here to not have medical care available . If something bad happens , or if an inmate gets really sick , he has to be sent to another unit or the hospital depending on how bad he off he is . If I have chest pains after 5 : 30 , I know they will take me to a room with a computer and I would talk to a nurse in another unit at least 30 minutes away . It 's just the way they do it . There are also a lot of people with mental illness and they can go off the rails at any minute . What good is only being able to talk to a nurse on a computer screen ? There are a lot of sick people here . Not a day goes by where you don 't hear someone screaming . It 's crazy here and there is nothing I can do about . When was moved to this unit I had hoped it would be a good move . I was closer to Morgan and my son , but she moved and is farther away now . I haven 't seen my son in two years . The last time was in 2013 when mom came for a visit . Sometimes it 's hard to not give up . This unit has been one bad experience after another . All prisons are bad , but I think it is worse when you are in a high security prison . I 'm tired of getting the bad end of the stick . How can I not lash and get angry when I get treated the way I do . If you keep poking a mistreated dog in a cage they are going to try to jump through the bars and grab you by the throat . I feel like that animal . How am I supposed to stay calm or be respectful when the cage keeper gets away with abusing the life in the cage ? I filed three grievances against officers who have it out for me . Mom said maybe it would be good to have a record of what they are doing . There is a form inmates can fill out if they have a problem with the guards , or staff who unreasonably harass them , or don 't do their job , like take us to shower , give us our meds or physically hurt us . It is our right to be able to file those grievances . We have a right to report them . But this process isn 't in our favor . They make it hard to report them so most inmates don 't bother trying . Our complaints are always turned down . It takes forty days to get the first denial back . Then you can file an appeal , and that takes another month to get that back , and it is almost always denied , too . There is a limit of days you have to file again , so they try to make sure it goes past that date . That is the next reason why they can 't do anything ; it has been too long . They are stalling for time , hoping you 'll give up . Officers and guards don 't like having grievances filed against them , so they retaliate . They make your life more miserable than it was , if that were possible . Should the inmates file more grievances after that ? The system is set up so the prisoners lose . They get away with doing anything they want to us , and think no one will find out . But even when people on the outside find out what is happening , there is nothing they can do about it . Guards won 't get into trouble because the underlying code is ; guards are always right and inmates are always wrong . Mom said I needed to try . It would help to have a paper trail of what they do . However , I can 't have a paper trail if the grievances I file are being thrown in the trash . I wrote up three different officers , and I have yet to get the forms back from any of them . Mom called the warden . She said he sounded so concerned . " I can 't have my guards not following procedure . I 'll look into it " Not likely . Nothing came of it . The warden is no better than the guards . You think he doesn 't already know what his guards are doing ? Of course he does . I 'm sure this is a familiar story to him . That is probably his standard reply to any family who calls , concerned about their family member who locked up . What else can the warden say ? I 'm also tired of being moved from cell to cell , and from prison to another . Because of all this crap with the guards , and because they are always right and I am always wrong , I 've been placed back in ad seg for another year and I 'm being sent to another prison . I 'll be in lockdown twenty - three hours a day , with one hour of rec in a cage a little bigger than my closet size cell , or instead , a shower , but not both . I 'm used to it . But if I were back in gen pop , there is a different set of problems . Then I have to have eyes on the back of my head looking for the inmates who have nothing to lose by jumping another inmate . I can take of myself , but anytime there is a fight , no matter who starts it , you get thrown back in lock up . I can still make parole in ad seg , but I have to get my line class back , and that will take a year . Line class starts at three and moves up to one . If a guard files a major case on me it sends me back to the bottom and I have to start over again . Since guards can file cases on you whether you do something or not , there is always a guard who wants to screw you up . They own you and if you don 't do what they say they 'll get back at you or have another inmate get you that owes them a favor . No , gen pop is not always the best place to be . There is more freedom to move around but it comes with a high price to pay . Inmates who go to ad seg may be stuck in a cell , but when I get done with it there should be more help with programs and even school . I 'm okay by myself . I get depressed sometimes , but as long as I have books to read , and someone I know who cares about me , I can make it . Not having an education is going to hurt me the most when I get out . Who will hire me with even a GED ? So that is what I need to focus on . I feel this move to another prison will be a new start and I will get a lot out of it , as long as I can keep things in a good place . It is up to me to do that . I have mom and her letters and I know she loves me . I 'll be okay . Maybe the guards won 't be as bad where I 'm going . I 've been sitting here and reading mom 's last letter , over and over , about how to keep my mouth shut . It 's not that easy . I do know I 'll keep trying . I won 't give up . I will beat this . I 'm going to get myself in control . I 'm tired of being angry all the time . It 's hard not to be angry when I see the things the guards do to people , especially the new ones . They don 't know the rules . Someone has to tell them what they can or can 't do . I can 't stand by and not do anything . This is what gets me in trouble the most . One of the officers broke my ID , so I can 't go to the commissary and it will take three weeks to get another one . I know he did it on purpose . I 'm only allowed to go to commissary one time a month , so if I miss it I have to wait another month . Now I can 't go . One of the dudes in here got some stuff for me that I needed . I 'll be able to get it back to him when I get my new ID if I don 't get moved first . I won 't give up . Everything happens for a reason . Sometimes when something looks like a bad thing , there is something to learn . I know I get angry fast and if I don 't learn the reason why it happens and how to control it , it will get me into trouble when I get out . I want to have a good life when I get out , so I have to work on these things now instead of later . I can 't blame anybody but myself for the problems I have in here . They happen to me , so it is up to me to change it . To be happy , I need to understand the meaning of the law of cause and effect . I need to do things a better way so I can have a better life when I get out of here . It 's important that I stop looking it this as if " lost " these years of my life and instead look at what I 've gained . This is sending my life in a direction that otherwise wouldn 't be there . There is a Buddhist phrase called , " turning poison into medicine " I think that is what it means by using taking something negative in my life and turning it into something positive . This has been a year of writing music - which can be found on either of my blogs , mynameisjamie . net and watchandwhirl . com . and at the website soundcloud . com / sonni - quick . This has also been a year of writing and learning how to write - the book I am writing " Inside The Forbidden Outside " , the story of Jamie Cummings and his life from juvenile detention to prison . I also publish a monthly newsletter - ITFO - on happenings inside the prison industry . There are ways to subscribe on the blog and at facebook at jamielifeinprison |
On June 11 , 2016 By BalentinecoveIn DIY , Family , Food , Frugality , Garden , Goals , happy , Health , Hobbies , Homesteading , Kitchen , Pets , Self - sufficiency1 Comment These past few weeks have been barely controlled chaos for our families . Heart surgery in one , broken pelvis in another , then I 'm having trouble with double vision . Just a lot of medical stuff . Some of it is still up in the air , but I 'm confident that we 'll get it figured out . I had finally finished my four training courses . I feel like I can learn to do a lot of things , and I 've asked the really sweet sewing teacher if we might get together some , and do informal classes . I feel very grateful to someone who has taught me a life skill . Sure I paid a class fee , but you can 't ignore a wonderful personality with a giving spirit . She called to check on me after I told her I was having some double vision . The girl that was taking classes with me had to leave early for work the week before , and the instructor wanted to know if I 'd like to come work . I told her that I really wasn 't supposed to drive alone , and that I wouldn 't have a ride in on time . I also got this cute paper : If anyone in the Huntsville metro area is interested in taking classes thru her , let me know . I highly recommend her , and her price really isn 't bad at all for what you are getting out of the class . I look forward to getting together with her and sewing on our own projects . At home I had originally decided to sell my dining room furniture that is never used , and get rid of a piece of a red sectional couch that we had as an intact piece at one time until my dog named Cisco tore it with his toenails a few years ago . BJ said he thought it would be better if I had my sewing studio in the basement . We hardly ever use the basement for anything other than tornado warnings and to store things . I have some items that I can sell , so I intend to do that . I had BJ buy some white pegboard from work . He hung it above my sewing station where I would have the best way to reach everything on it . I ordered some pegs , and after they arrived I decided I could hang my thread from the pegs . A tiny curtain rod balanced between two pegs holds my scissors , and will hold another of my rotary cutters . I bought a little lamp off of Craigslist , and got an LED lightbulb for it . It 's going to work out just fine . We 're still working out the details of how fabric is going to be stored , but we 've got a couple of ideas . BJ and I love to go to fun new places , especially local ones . There is a new general store / game room / restaurant / bar downtown . It is near Washington Square , which has a neat vibe about it . BJ was in hog heaven when we went in . There were 80 's and 90 's era video games all over the place . Music from the 80 's is being played , and on their television screens are the videos from those songs . The restaurant housed here is another location of a place BJ and I have been to many times over the past few years . The table decor was plastic bead " sculptures " of the flowers that come up out of the pipes in the Super Mario Brothers game . The waitress gave us each 3 coins to play games with . I went first . I picked out Donkey Kong , Mortal Kombat , and Pac Man . After our black bean burgers , BJ and I got up to leave , but he wanted to play NBA Jam . I indulged him , and played a little . He had fun . After eating we went downstairs to the Mercantile store and looked around . They had some neat , but expensive things there . I did get silly , and try on a hat , but we didn 't buy anything . My straw bales are doing very well , and before we know it , we 'll have zucchini and summer squash . Luckily if we can 't eat it all , I 'm going to learn how to can it . I also have several tomatoes coming up . I put some crushed eggshells on them the other day for calcium , and I have some more to put on there today . My poor herbs just don 't seem to be doing too well . I 'm going to have to figure out a plan B on some things . Summer has sneaked upon us . I can 't wait for my first homegrown tomato sandwich . Now that 's good eating ! I really haven 't forgotten about the blog . I 've just neglected it . We 've had a whirlwind of activity around here in the past few weeks . There have been many changes in our family 's lives in both scary and exciting ways . My father - in - law had a massive heart attack , and after several scary days of waiting , his body healed enough for the doctors to put a stent in an artery that was 99 % occluded . He is on the mend , but he has two more arteries that need stents . Those will be done after more healing occurs . When I was 18 - years old , I moved into BJ 's parent 's home . I lived in the basement . One Saturday I came home , and there was a little fluffball of a puppy . BJ had gotten this sweet little dog for me from the local flea market . We named her Princess , and she was so much fun . She slept in the bed with me at night while she was little . When BJ and I moved into an apartment in 2000 , I had to leave Princess with BJ 's parents . Before long they moved further out into the country and Princess had plenty of room to run and play . She was so fast and smart . She was part border collie , and part jack russell . She would run beside your car as you drove up the long driveway , and she could keep up with us while we were going as fast as 25mph . She lived a very long and happy life . She always recognized us when we came to visit my in - laws , and would try to " talk " to us with little noises . As she aged she finally lost her sight to cataracts and appeared to have lost her hearing . A couple weeks ago we went to my in - law 's house , and I noticed I didn 't see her sitting in her normal spot by the kitchen door . My mother - in - law didn 't want me to know , but Princess was missing . Apparently she wandered off , perhaps to cross the rainbow bridge on her own . It is so hard to believe after so many years that I won 't see that sweet pup when I go to my in - law 's . She was one of the first major gifts BJ got for me , and it was like the end of a chapter or our lives to realize she is now gone forever . We searched for her in the dark , and the family had searched the day before . She will forever hold a piece of my heart as my Princess , the thing BJ calls me each night as we say goodnight . Spring has now made it 's appearance after a rather mild winter . All the seeds I 've been looking at for months , are close to being ready to plant . We should be getting a truck bed full of dirt soon to fill the large cinderblock flowerbed . That will be filled with different flower seeds . I 'm ready to fill the holes of the cinder blocks with herbs . We have started this year 's straw bales . You prepare them for 12 days before putting down a layer of soil on top , and then you are ready to plant your vegetable seeds . I had originally wanted to do 10 bales , but the bales are slightly expensive so we decided on 8 . To prevent the avalanche of straw during the middle of the growing season like last year , BJ cut up some wooden pallets , and held them in place with pieces of rebar . There will be T - posts on each end , and several levels of wire strung across to each T - post to use as a trellis . We 're also planning on putting something on the ends of the straw bales . I will be growing some things in buckets too . This past weekend I planted dahlia bulbs in medium size flower pots . I stuck them on either side of the patio paver walkway near the main flowerbed . I repotted some plants I had in the kitchen . BJ had gotten me a couple of beautiful pots that I used . As long as I can remember in my life I have always looked towards the future , and what my plans and goals are . It catapulted me thru college so quickly that I had a master 's degree in nursing by the time I was 23 . Many things in my life have changed over the years , just like they do in everyone 's lives . I am looking at life in a different way than what I had planned for years . Although things will be very different than what I had envisioned before , I 'm still hopeful . On April 4th , BJ and I celebrated the 18th anniversary of us becoming a couple . It has been wonderful having him in my life , and the vision of us spending our lives together remains the same . Our ability to grow and change together as time goes on keeps us strong . My thoughts about my personal future is that I 'll be taking time to learn many things and devoting time to my health . I will be studying things that will improve our self - sufficiency like gardening , sewing , herbalism , homemaking , and maximizing our finances . There are many things I am interested in , and of course there isn 't time for everything , but I 'm dedicated to doing the most that I can . Like the quote in my craft room says , " Bloom where you are planted " . I want to make the most of each day ahead of BJ and I both . This park is always pretty , but that night it was especially magical looking . The spring is full of koi fish , some are absolutely huge . There are lots of ducks to feed . We walked some so I could get a little exercise . I stopped to take in how pretty the city looks at night . The week started out with BJ working closing shifts . I went for a walk in the neighborhood Monday afternoon . I had gone to get acupuncture and then some groceries . I hung out in my craft room listening to music . Tuesday night we found out that my father - in - law had had a massive heart attack . I had actually been the one to talk him into going to the hospital . He thought it was just heartburn . I had missed a few days earlier and his family doctor also thought it was something like heartburn . Wednesday morning we found out how serious my father - in - law 's heart attack had been , and we drove to see him in the ICU . It was a very scary time with a lot of worried family members . Since I have a medical background I did a some translation of what the doctor and nurses were saying to the family . We stayed at the ICU waiting room with the family until the last visiting hours . We came home to let Joey out and to feed Denver . Thursday morning the rain was pouring . A few days earlier I had noticed a spot on the ceiling of my craft room that looked like it had some water damage . BJ went into the attic , and didn 't see any signs of a leak . He figures that the rain at another time had blown under the soffit . While he was up in the attic he found a box of wedding momentos that I had been looking for . I 'm so excited , because some of the things in there will be used in my shadowbox displaying some items from our wedding . Later in the day we went back to see BJ 's dad . We got to see our nephews that live part of the time in Boston . One of my nephews I hadn 't seen in a couple of years . We didn 't stay too long because the weather was going to get bad . I have a phobia of tornadoes , and as we were leaving the hospital the tornado sirens started sounding . I found the radar on my phone , and then pulled up a live stream from television of the weather . It was just north of us as we travelled home . The sky was so ominous looking . We finally made it home safely , and I was feeling less anxious . Friday morning BJ went fishing with my stepdad , and I worked on some product reviews . I began having a headache , so I fell asleep a couple of times in my recliner . In the afternoon my dad came to visit . I stayed home while BJ went to visit his dad who had been moved to a regular room , because he was slowly improving . My dad and I went out to eat , and I had some vegetarian chili with cornbread , and my dad had a different kind of chili . I had requested that my dad bring these doggie bookends from my grandmother 's house to me . I don 't know exactly how old they are , but I know for sure that there are pictures from the 50 's of them in my grandmother 's house . I 'm so excited to be able to use them in my craft room . I 've always loved them . My bookcase is full , so this will hold books on top of a plastic shelving unit . I have too many books . Saturday my dad went to buy us breakfast . I 'm not supposed to be eating anything processed , but I do good the majority of the time . I had an egg and cheese biscuit . BJ woke up after some well deserved sleep . After eating and hanging out a little while he went to go buy a few of the straw bales for this year 's garden . We had originally planned on doing 10 bales , but due to costs and the fact that we have other projects going , we decided on doing 8 bales this year instead . We had 5 bales last year . I 'm going to be growing some things in buckets and flower pots , plus we 'll have the big " H " shaped flowerbed of cinderblock . All the holes will be filled with edible herbs and maybe some vegetables . We went to Jason 's Deli for lunch . We all ended up eating salads . When I started acupuncture the Dr told me to cut out as much oil as possible . I asked his staff what kind of dressing to put on my salads , because I usually put high fat ranch on them . They told me to use honey mustard instead . I found out that I really like the taste of it on a salad . I have made a couple this week using soy " chicken " strips that I cooked from frozen in a skillet . We went out for a little dinner at Which Wich and drove thru downtown before heading home . BJ mostly watched basketball on tv while I looked at things online . I was sleepy by 8 : 30 . So I went ahead and went to bed . I drove over to another town to meet my dear friend Rachel . She had her 2 year old daughter and her mother - in - law with her . We met at Moe 's , and my diet went off the rails for that meal . I had a yummy bowl with rice , black beans , tofu , mushrooms , onions , pico de gallo , sour cream , guacamole , and a little shredded cheese . I also ate chips and their tomatillo salsa . It was so great to see them . Rachel is about to give birth to her second daughter . I originally met Rachel through the church we used to attend . She moved closer to where she grew up , and I don 't get to see her very often anymore . She 's a busy RN at the hospital and a mom , so life is pretty busy . Her mother - in - law is so sweet , and it was a pleasure to visit with her as well . After eating , I gassed up the car and hit the road . It took me about an hour to get to my mom 's house . My stepdad was there to help me unload my stuff . I must 've looked like I was moving in . I had a heavy computer bag with several things in it , a suitcase , a bag full of food , and a huge storage bin filled with my yarn and all the components needed to work on both my knitting looms , and for my mom to teach me to crochet . I had kiwi and frozen steamed vegetables for dinner . After dinner I spent time with my mom visiting , and working on my loom . I have been very slowly been working on making hats for the homeless . I finally finished one that night , and I couldn 't have been happier . I snapped a picture , and went to Facebook to share the picture with the couple who had donated that yarn to me . I 've got some more yarn in the same color to start another one . I got sleepy , and ended up going to the guest room about 8 : 40 . I was going to do some reading before I went to bed , but I was just too sleepy . I woke up off and on thru the night , and finally woke up about 5 . I went downstairs and started some coffee . I sat and watched the news until my mom woke up about 6 : 30 . By then the sun had started to shine , which was a vast improvement from the really hard rains from the day before . I had driven thru patches of rain so hard I had to slow down to about 25mph . I stepped out to get the newspaper and bring the garbage bin back down to the house . It was much cooler than it had been the day before . I cooked scrambled eggs for us , and got the food ready to put in the crockpot for our lunch . We ate our breakfast , and then we sat in their recliners in the middle of the living room . While my mom was out of the room taking her vitamins I started on a basic chain stitch for crochet . I learned to do a basic chain when I was much younger , and wasn 't even sure if I 'd remember it , but I did . I had never really learned how to do any actual crochet . We spent a little time watching television and I got online for a little while . I started getting a migraine . I had one the day before , but I assumed it was from the cold front coming thru . When I get a migraine concentration is hard for me . For lunch we had a soup made from quinoa , great Northern beans , diced tomatoes , kale , onion , vegetable broth , and some spices . It had cooked about 4 hours on high , and I put the kale in to wilt for the last 15 minutes . I brewed some black currant tea , and soon I got the table ready . We enjoyed the meal , and I 'm going to keep making it at home because it really is that good . You can find the recipe for this soup at this blog . I have tried several meals from this blog , and so far they 've all been great . After lunch my mom started showing me how to crochet . I had this gigantic plastic crochet hook , and some # 6 bulky yarn . I seemed to have gotten the hang of it . I 'll just need lots of practice . So far , I 'm really pleased with how I did . I started loading my car . I got the leftovers of the soup , and my mom gave me some free - range eggs which thrilled me greatly . I left about 5 : 30 to start my trip home . I do not see very well in the dark and prefer not to drive out in it , so I wanted to give myself ample time to get home in time . I arrived home , and BJ helped me unload the car . He had gotten me a Subway sandwich to eat , so I sat down for dinner . I was feeling very drained from the headaches , so I went to bed about 8 : 30 . On March 18 , 2016 By BalentinecoveIn DIY , Family , Food , happy , Health , Hobbies , Kitchen , travelLeave a comment Monday was an interesting day . I woke up early , and did my normal routine . I have been having migraines every single day in some form for about a year now . I 've tried medication , massage , a chiropractor , and finally Botox . None of them giving me lasting relief . After seeing the bill for two Botox treatments , I decided that I wasn 't going to be able to continue those . I decided I was going to try something different . I looked up acupuncturists in my area . I found a guy named Dr . Ly who has been practicing acupuncture and Chinese medicine for decades . I made an appointment with him , and on Monday afternoon I went to see him . I took a list of all the medications , vitamins , and supplements I take . They put me in a room and I waited to see him . He is a very nice man , and said that migraines are one of the main things he treats . He pushes on certain points along your body , and asks which is the most tender . He places a acupuncture needle in a spot , and then pushes on that tender spot again . Every time he pushed on a spot after the needle had beeen inserted , I didn 't feel any tenderness in that spot anymore . After I had all the needles in place I rested on the table for about 10 minutes . I was given Chinese herbs to take before and after meals . Then there is a specific diet I must follow for a little while . It is basically a " clean eating " diet . I am supposed to eat a piece of fruit before every meal , no processed food , no sugar , lots of fresh fruits and veggies , and no oils . I 've been a vegetarian now for about 3 1 / 2 years , and it 's still going to be difficult to follow a diet like this . After my session , BJ and I went to Whole Foods to eat some dinner . They have sort of a buffet at one end of the store where you can get different things to eat . I did the best I could , but there was a quinoa salad that still had some oil on it . While I finished eating , BJ went to the produce section to buy some fresh fruits for me . He picked apples , tangerines , and strawberries . After we got home I prepared to cook a meal to take to my mom 's house the next day . I decided to make one of BJ 's favorites Quinoa Enchilada Casserole . It 's very easy to make , and tastes delicious . Tuesday morning I woke up around 4 : 30 to get ready to go to my mom 's house . I ate some cantaloupe for breakfast , and stopped along the way and got a plain biscuit . I know that 's not on the diet , but I was really hungry . I arrived at my mom 's house , and we sat and worked on our craft projects . I was working on a hat , and she had started a scarf . She had a hat made for me out of some yarn she had made a scarf for me earlier in the winter with . I also brought my wristlets that she had made me , and had her sew on the buttons I bought last week . They turned out beautifully . I ate steamed vegetables for lunch while my mom and stepfather ate the casserole I made . I really wanted to eat some of it , but I 'm not supposed to have the cheese . After lunch , I worked on my hat that I 've been very slowly loom knitting for a couple weeks . I was almost finished with it , and was pulling the yarn tightly to cinch the top of the hat , and the yarn broke . I 've never had that happen before , and I didn 't know what to do . Mama looked at it , and really couldn 't think of what to do either . So I turned it inside out , and stitched up the bottom part of it as best I could . It looks like a little handbag , and I will probably just store little things in it . That particular yarn is hard to work with anyway . I left my mom 's a little early because I had to get back to another acupuncture appointment . I got to the office early , and was able to get right back . This time they taped 3 seeds on the inside of my ear . They are on acupressure points , and I 'm supposed to squeeze each one for 30 seconds before eating . I also got a shot of B complex in my leg . I had to go back for more acupuncture on Wednesday morning . I ate some cantaloupe before I went . I was having a bit of a headache as I woke up . During the acupuncture I felt not too bad . I got another B complex shot in my leg . After I left I went to Panera Bread and had an egg white , spinach , avocado , and whole grain sandwich . It had some cheese on it , so it wasn 't perfect . After eating there , I did some shopping . I went to Hobby Lobby and bought a 16 × 20 ″ frame for a picture that will be featured on the back wall of my craft room . The more I shopped , the worse my head began to feel . I slowly started heading to eat lunch with BJ . I stopped in a vintage / thrift store , and browsed around for a while . I ended up finding a cute little bracelet that I liked . I keep wanting to buy this little dog planter that I saw last time I was there , but I didn 't . I also saw a teacup I 'd like to buy to plant a succulent in , but I didn 't buy that either . I stopped at UPS to drop off a package , and there was a restaurant called Atlanta Bread Company a couple doors down . I wanted some coffee , so I ran over there . I slowly enjoyed a latte while passing the time . I drove to wait on BJ to come eat lunch . I was feeling worse by the minute . We went to eat lunch at an Asian restaurant called Bento Box . It has some really good steamed vegetables , including something called lily flower . It is so good ! I had steamed cabbage , steamed broccoli , and lily flower . I really wanted a spring roll , but that wouldn 't be on my diet , so I just stuck with what I had . I was hurting so badly that I really just ate the broccoli and a little of the rest of it . I took the rest home with me . After lunch I had an appointment , and it was in a new location . Thanks to m phone I found it rather easily . We did some guided meditation / breathing exercises to help ease my headache . It did help a good bit . After my appointment I did a little more shopping . I went to a thrift store , and didn 't see anything I couldn 't live without . I do think it will be a good source for more picture frames for my craft room , once I get pictures printed and BJ makes more of the photo ledges . Close to home I decided to go into a little antique store that I 've noticed for years , but have never been in . I immediately found this cute little fish bead for $ 1 , and I had to buy it . I don 't know what I 'll use it for . It 'll be in some sort of craft project I know , or it will be used to make a piece of jewelry . After I went there , I decided to go home . My head was still hurting , so I took a nap . I ate leftovers from lunch for my dinner . I got my African violet repotted into a pot made specifically for those plants that my mom gave to me . It will live in our bathroom where it will get filtered light and humidity . Happy St . Patrick 's Day ! I do have some Irish blood running thru my veins , and I love St . Patrick 's Day . The hat in the picture is one my mom made for me , and has a beautiful scarf to go with it . It was cool outside , but I chose not to wear the scarf . I had acupuncture early in the day , and then came home for a little while to visit with BJ before he went to work . After he left I had an appointment to weigh at one of my doctor 's offices at noon . I went in a little early , and they got me back fairly quickly . Of course the weight on their scales never goes with what my scales at home say , but the important thing is that I 've lost weight . I had lost 3 pounds by their scale . Since last year I 've lost 66 pounds so far . I was doing Weight Watchers , and then I thought I might be able to do it without counting the points . Right now I 'm using an app on my iPhone called MyFitnessPal . I 've been doing pretty well with it so far . After being weighed I went to Juice Bar nearby . I was hoping to get some fruit and a salad . They didn 't have any fruit cups , so I hoped my juice with pineapple in it would be enough to count as my fruit . I had a salad with kale , quinoa , cherry tomatoes , dried cranberries , sesame seeds , and olive oil / vinegar dressing . I souldn 't have had the dressing , but I 'm continuing to find this diet very hard to do . The pineapple juice also had various vegetables in it . I 'm going to be honest , I didn 't like it at all . I had to force myself to drink it , and it wasn 't cheap . I 'd rather have had a smoothie with some different things in it . The big news of the day is that I had almost no headache at all . I came home from eating and took a long nap . For dinner I started with a kiwi , and then ate some frozen corn . I sat in my craft room , and worked on a new hat . I listened to music on a little bluetooth speaker , streaming it from my phone . Every day my craft room becomes better and better . BJ hung up our picture on the back wall . The rest of this wall will be covered in pictures of my family including lots of pictures of my ancestors who came before me . I 'm going to get BJ to build some more photo ledges right away . Vacation Adventures Wednesday was rather quiet . BJ took me to an appointment at noon . BJ 's dad had a doctor 's appointment in town , so we wasted some time while we waited on his appointment to finish . We went to Hobby Lobby , and believe it or not , I didn 't buy a single thing . I suppose it was because BJ was with me . If left to my devices I will always find something to buy at any craft store . We then went to Walmart where I found a couple of containers to hold my 5 pound bags of wheat berries . I bought hard white wheat and hard red wheat berries , and I wanted something airtight to keep them in . We then went Lowe 's where BJ bought some spray paint for me to work on some of my thrifted photo frames , and he also was looking for something to use to hang the picture ledges he made . After BJ 's dad was done with his appointment , we met up with them at a Mexican restaurant for a little late lunch / early dinner . After we ate with them we decided to go home . I finished the inventory of my seeds , and had gotten a package for a online seed swap . I found a few things that I wanted , and now I 'll add a few things then send it on to the next person on the list . While I was doing that BJ was preparing the photo ledges to hang . He got the first set of them put up , and I 'm thrilled with them . Thursday morning BJ and I woke up early , and decided to take a trip to the river . He had hooked up the boat the night before , and it didn 't take long to get ready . I usually bring a ton of reading material with me . It wasn 't too bad when we got on the boat in the river . BJ fishing , and I looking up things on my phone . BJ used the trolling motor to move us around some near the ramp where we had put the boat in . The wind started picking up ahead of a weather front , so we went under a bridge and went into a sheltered area of the river . The winds started picking up even more , so BJ decided we should go ahead and get out of the water . As we went out of the sheltered area we could see just how choppy the water was . I 'm already a little nervous of being in the boat , so the waves didn 't help . We got to the dock and BJ hopped out . He tied the boat up to the post on the dock , and ran to get the truck with the boat trailer . The waves were bashing the boat against the dock , and suddenly I heard a noise . As I looked up I saw that the strap holding me to the dock had snapped . I was being moved away from the dock . I started yelling for someone to help me . There was a guy getting his boat put on his truck , but there was nothing he could do to help me . I 've never driven a boat , and know very little about how it operates other than watching BJ drive . BJ saw that I was floating away and was running at top speed toward the water . He tried to tell me how to drive , but I was already stuck in the mud . I tried putting the boat in reverse , and all that did was throw mud up in the air . BJ took his shoes off , and waded out to the boat . It took a little while and a lot of work on BJ 's part to get the boat out of the mud . There was a crowd of fishermen standing at the boat ramp watching the spectacle . The whole time we were trying to get out of the mud the waves kept crashing over the side of the boat . After we got unstuck , BJ drove his boat over to the dock where he tossed his car keys to a good samaritan who backed BJ 's truck with the trailer down the ramp where BJ was able to get the boat up onto the ramp . Once I was on terra firma I decided it will be a while before I get out on the boat again . We drove home in our water soaked clothes , and once we got home I immediately changed . BJ got ready , and we headed toward his parent 's house . It takes about an hour to get there . I had a migraine , but wanted to go visit so we headed that way . We went to eat some supper before making it to their house . I 'm on a mission to find pictures to put up in the craft room . My plans are for it to be like a photo gallery . BJ 's mom pulled out some of the family photo albums . I used my phone to take pictures of the ones I really like . I 've never made copies of photos from my iPhone , so we 'll see how they turn out when printed . I uploaded a few to the CVS photo website , and hopefully they will turn out nice . BJ and his parents started playing Scrabble , but my headache wasn 't cooperating . So I laid down on the couch . After they played that , and a game of SkipBo we headed home . The rain had been coming down for a few hours , but we had a smooth journey home . We watched a little tv and relaxed before going to bed around 9 : 30 . My dad came to visit after he got off work . We had some Mexican take out for dinner . I didn 't really feel like going out , and my dad was tired . Saturday my dad and I hung out around the house until he left to go home a little before BJ got off work . I haven 't felt as perky as normal , and fell asleep a couple of times while he was here . We enjoyed watching the birds coming to the bird feeder he made me a few years back . We had a special visitor that I 've never seen at this feeder , a red - headed woodpecker . Sunday BJ had to close at work , so I held the fort down . I was still having a lot of sleepiness . I was hoping I wasn 't getting sick or something . I got a little cleaning done around the house , but spent a lot of time on and off sleeping . BJ 's weeklong vacation started today . I 'm so excited when he gets time off . He had to get a tire replaced first thing this morning , because he got a razor blade in his last night while he was at work . He had to change the tire on the way home . I was just thankful he could find a safe place to change it . We went to eat breakfast , and then we went to Lowes trying to figure out how he wants to hang the picture ledges . Then we went to pick his tire up , and headed home . After we got home , he decided to get started on a flowerbed we 're going to have in the back yard . He decided a while back that he wanted it in an H design . I just wanted to go on record saying that I didn 't pick the H . He had already gotten the blocks from work that he was going to use to make the bed , and some pavers to create a path . He had laid down cardboard a few weeks ago to help kill off some of the grass and weeds where it was going to be . It didn 't take him long , and he had a pretty cool flowerbed all set up . The inside of the flowerbed will be filled with all kinds of flowers , and each hole of the blocks will be filled with either an herb , vegetable , or flower . I 'll also have some random flowerpots that I 'll fill . I 'm hoping to attract some butterflies and bees to the backyard . Later this week we 'll probably get started making the surrounding structure of our straw bale gardens . This year we 're doing two rows of 5 straw bales with supporting T - posts and wire going across to form trellises . I look forward to gardening this summer . On February 7 , 2016 By BalentinecoveIn DIY , Family , Food , Garden , Goals , happy , Hobbies , Self - sufficiencyLeave a comment As a kid , I always heard that saying and didn 't get it . Well buddy do I ever get it now . Time just slips thru my fingers like grains of sand on the beach . I 'm on Topamax now for migraine headaches , and it 's giving me some monster side effects . My doctor said they should subside within 2 months . Gee , thanks ! Anyway , my thinking is a little jumbled , I 'm a little clumsy on my feet , my speech a little slurred , and I 'm still having the migraines . Every week I go up on the medication so I guess I will be " Dopamaxed " for a while . Anyway , I 've spent a good bit of time online looking a Facebook pages and looking at seeds for my garden and planning out what I 'll plan and where . Turns out MrB will not only be getting the cinder blocks and patio pavers to make paths in the yard , he 'll be getting some material he can build a fire pit with . I 'm so excited , because in the 8 years that we 've lived at this house , we 've never made full use of the land that we own . It 's ours after all , we should be maximizing every square inch of it . A few seeds I have ordered online , and I 've also found some generous people on Facebook groups who are sending me seeds for simply a SASE . I have quiet a few vegetable seeds that I need to check the viability on . I saw an article about placing the seed in a glass of water to test for viability . I may try that . I found out that I can still do product reviews Amazon , so I 'm going to continue to do that to a degree . I will not be participating in any of the pushy , extremist groups on Facebook who are mean . I don 't need that in my life . So I 'm simply sticking with online groups that I 've worked with , and had great results with . I started with a new company last week , and I was approved to review my first book . It 's all about aromatherapy , which I 'm a little obsessed about right now anyway . Last week was fairly quiet . My dad came to stay with me some . MrB had to work so I had company while he was at work . He took me to meet someone I had connected with on an amazing local program called Buy Nothing Project . BNP is a hyper - local group of people that create Facebook groups for their area and people only in that designated area can join . It is structured to feel very neighborly and pleasant . They ask that you use the terminology of Ask , Gift , and Gratitude . I had recently asked if anyone had any spare yarn to donate for my homeless hat effort . I hadn 't heard anything , when out of the blue , a guy wrote that his wife had cleaned out some of her stuff and had some yard to gift to me . I asked if I could meet him at a nearby local store the following day . My dad took me , and I received a box full of wonderful , beautiful yarn . I was almost done with one hat I had been dragging my feet , so I went ahead and finish it . The man told me that his wife would be so excited if I could post some pictures of the hats that I made from the yarn she gifted to me . So I finished up the white hat , and got the new yarn on the loom . My dad left on Friday afternoon when BJ got home from work . When he got home he showed me a plant he had gotten me . It turns out that some of the little houseplants we had gotten before were too finicky to take care of , and they were already dead / dying . So MrB brought home a prayer plant for me . I love them , and it came with a hanging basket . That was a nice little surprise . We went to eat at Whole Foods to try something different . We got a new Whole Foods not too long ago , and last week was the first time we had been in it . MrB was boring and stuck with pizza . HaHa ! I decided to get an Asian rice bowl . It was so good . It had brown rice , fried tofu , a bunch of diced veggies like carrots and cucumber , an Asian BBQ sauce ( it was hot ! ) green onions , and sesame seeds . We sat at one of the tables in the eating area , and it had fresh flowers sitting there . After eating , I talked MrB into taking me to JoAnn Fabrics . These evil doers send me 50 % coupon text messages , and it 's just so wrong . I couldn 't get that scrubby yarn that I could use to make a kitchen sponge out of my head , so I picked some up . They had several colors , but I stuck with red . Then I decided I wanted to try some more yarn for the Zippy loom . I think I can make a scarf with it if I try really hard . We 'll see what happens . By the looks of things , spring won 't be here for a little while . I like looking at snow , love watching it come down and pretending you 're inside a snow globe . However , I do not like the cold . I usually stay huddled under an electric throw . The winter does give us time to plan to - do projects for the spring . I want to make a flower bed close to the back fence . I keep going over it in my min to decide how I want it done . A lady that works with MrB gave him some seeds for " Purple Angel Trumpet " flowers . Then I found a guy on Facebook who is willing to send some flower seeds from his garden for free . All you do is send 3 stamps and a SASE . I 'm so excited for spring . My vegetable garden is going to be more organized this year . Last year I had a foot injury and then surgery that prevented me from getting down to our back yard . I tried to supervise what MrB was doing . We did the garden using 4 straw bale ( not hay bales ) which are usually about $ 5 - 6 a piece . I 'm going to go for 5 bales this year , have really good trellising , organic pest control , and the main thing we 're going to do is stabilize the straw bales with wood to prevent them from collapsing . Right now I have my seeds from last year in a mason jar in the back of the refrigerator . I 'm very much a novice gardener , but I 'm going to keep at it . My dad told me that I was like my grandfather , because when I got a seed catalog in the mail , my eyes began to twinkle . On January 22 , 2016 By BalentinecoveIn Family , HealthLeave a comment Brief history on some medical stuff that I 've been dealing with . I 've had migraines for well over a year now without any relief from medications . I started going to Vanderbilt University , and they began giving me Botox injections . On January 6 I had my second session . They tell you not to massage for 7 days , so at day 10 I was having a very stiff neck . I put a TENS unit on my neck to try to help . Almost immediately after doing that I started having trouble swallowing . Liquids would go down ok , but food felt like it was stick at the bottom of my throat , and the top of my chest . I paid my primary care doctor a visit after talking to Vandy over the weekend . They had recommended a barium swallow . My dad is visiting , so he went with me to my appointment . I had the barium swallow first . Basically you just drink this chalky liquid and they take some x - rays while your swallowing . After that I had an ultrasound done of my thyroid and the surround tissues . The radiologist said that my barium swallow looked totally normal . I 'll be waiting a couple of days to hear results of the ultrasound . I honestly think my use of the TENS moved the botox causing the swallowing trouble . If that is the trouble then I should get better in 4 - 6 weeks The afternoon started out with rain , and before we knew it the flurries started flying . It stopped snowing a little early . We got a light dusting , but it was beautiful to watch thru the windows . We have a bird feeder that my dad built for us several years ago . It holds a suet cake on each end , and then a container filled in the center . The bird feeder is shaped like a house . I really enjoy watching the birds come to my feeder . MrB refilled the feeder this afternoon , and left a little trail of food along the railing of our deck . Those birds went wild . |
Ash looked at the clock , " I 'd say another 5 minutes . . . 10 at most it 's not very far . " He looked at her out of the corner of his eye . When he told her that he was going to run over the the Cerulean Gym to personally invite Misty and her sisters to the banquet Prof . Oak and the rest of the Pokemon League Committee was throwing in his honor , she had insisted on going with him . Her story was that she wanted to see Misty but he wasn 't so sure . They hardly knew eachother and he couldn 't imagine that they had gotten closer when he wasn 't around . Of course it could always be jealousy , he had known Misty for most of his life and they used to be best friends . When he first met May , Misty was the subject of most of their conversations for awhile . He thought he may have had feelings for her , every now and then he would look at her and see the person she was blossoming into , instead of his tomboyish best friend . These thoughts freaked him out , at 13 he wasn 't ready for love or anything resembling it , and yet when he wasn 't expecting it there it was . He had tried to tell her once , when she was leaving to take care of the gym , but when he looked up at her face and saw all the hope behind her eyes he couldn 't go through with it . He couldn 't risk a friendship as deep as the one he had with Misty over something that he wasn 't even sure of . That was something he had never told anyone , what he had really meant to say , instead of commenting on her bike and the fact that she was in a hurry . When they pulled up to the gym Ash felt a strange sensation come over him . Almost the same as when he came home after being away for long , a mixture of excitement and calm . It was weird , he had never thought of Cerulean City as home . . . maybe it was just Misty , she was his first friend on his journey and the one that stayed with him the longest . " Oh my god ! Ash is that you ? " she asked twirling her hair , " You 're so grown up ! " She batted her eyes a couple times , leaving him shocked . Daisy , Lily , and Violet had never not liked Ash , they were just vaguely indifferent because he was Misty 's friend . He had forgotten how long it had been since he had seen the Sensational Sisters , but he knew he had to look significantly better than the last time . He was taller , tanner , and more muscular , travelling and training had done wonders for him . It would seem as if he was finally in the league of causing beauties like Misty 's sisters to blush . It made him smile . " Oh yeah . . . " he blushed a little , " I came to invite you all to my Master Banquet . " he presented her with the invitation , " Um . . . is Misty here ? I was hoping to see her . . . " " No , that 's fine . . . I 'll call her . " he put a smile on even though he was upset on the inside . " I should probably head back home , but tell Misty . . . that I hope she 'll come . . . I hope all of you come ! " he waved as he and May got back into his car and headed towards Pallet town . Misty raised an eyebrow as she watched a flashy blue convertable pull out of the gym 's parking lot and roar down the street . We had a challenger ? Please God let Daisy have been there ! Her sisters had come a long way from the teenagers that they had been . . . but she still only trusted the eldest sister to run the gym while she was gone . " I 'm home ! " she called opening the door , " Violet ? Daisy ? Lily ? Where are you guys ? " " Yeah . " she handed her a box of small blue teardrop shaped pins , " Did we just have a challenger ? I saw a car pull out as I was on my way in . . . " " Why ? He 's your friend and he did specifically say that he wanted you there , and he 's gotten really cute ! Don 't tell me it 's because of that girl . " " I wasn 't upset , I missed the gym so I came home . " she shook her head , " Anyway , I don 't know if I 'll go to this or not . But I would like to keep it . . . if that 's okay with you guys . . . " " No , they 're both still pretending that there 's nothing going on between them . " Lily rolled her eyes still baffled by her older sister 's sudden personality shift when it came to Tracey . Daisy had always been so outgoing around boys and she never seemed to dwell on one for too long , but this latest romance has been going on for a couple years . Although neither one of them ever admitted to being more than friends , it was clear to everyone around them . " I think it 's sweet . " Misty sighed dreamily , " I never would have thought that Daisy would fall for someone as down - to - earth as Tracey . He 's good for her . " Well there you have it , chapter 1 . I know it 's not anything too exciting , I was really just trying to set up the situation between Ash and Misty . The next chapter will get a little more exciting . Will Misty go to the banquet ? and all that sort of stuff . Misty sat at the vanity table in her room studying her makeup . Dramatic or subtle ? According to her sisters , either way looked great on her , it was the fact that she was wearing makeup that made the difference . She knew that she had to look perfect tonight , she had already decided that she was going to confess everything to Ash . They were both adults now , she didn 't have to be afraid of his reaction anymore . The truth was that she loved him , with her entire heart and soul . When Misty met Ash she thought he was stupid , reckless , and would never make it as a pokemon master . She watched him grow and train and soon called him her friend , her best friend . Then , one day , she saw him as more . She remembered it vividly , they were on Trovita Island in the Orange Archipelago . She had saved Mahri , a little girl who had been caught in a whirlpool just off of the island , only to find out that she was the gym leader 's little sister . Rudy had been grateful to Misty showering her with flowers and compliments . She was stunned at first , being the youngest of 4 beautiful sisters , she wasn 't used to the adoration . Once she got used to it , she realized that she really did like Rudy , he was sweet and kind , and he even asked her to stay with him on the island . It was tempting , she considered it and wanted to say yes , being around a gym leader that wasn 't one of her sisters would help her become a stronger trainer . Then while she watched Rudy and Ash have their gym battle from the hot air balloon above the field , Rudy called out " I dedicate this victory to the girl who saved my sister and stole my heart ! " she was shocked , she hadn 't realized that Rudy wasn 't just being nice to her , he liked her ! She looked down at Ash , he glared up at the balloon , " That 's real nice , but the victory 's going to be mine " it seemed as if the comment was aimed at her . She didn 't know what to do , Ash was one of her best friends , but to have someone like Rudy love her . . . Rudy and Ash were tied with one battle left , Starmie vs Squirtle . It didn 't look like it waShe couldn 't help what happened next , it burst out of her before she had a chance to control it , " Ash ! What are you going to do ? Just stand there and let him beat ya ? ! " Everyone had turned their attention to her shocked , she was shocked too , maybe she could take it back but then she saw Ash looking up at her in confusion so she continued , " Come on ! You 're the only one who can bring out Squirtle 's real power ! " " Then don 't just stand there ! Do something ! You already beat Rudy once , you can beat him again ! " She tried to avoid looking at Rudy but curiosity got the best of her , she saw his eyes tear up and he mumbled something to himself . The damage had already been done . " I - " want to stay but isn 't it obvious that Ash won 't get anywhere without me around ? she intended to say . Then realized that wasn 't the reason , and Rudy knew that , it wasn 't Ash that needed Misty , it was her that needed Ash . She closed her eyes feeling a warm blush creep across her face , " Thanks Rudy . " From then on , she knew that she was in love . Head over heels in love , with Ash Ketchum , the dim - witted , spoiled , egotistical kid she had fished from a river . After awhile she got used to the fact that he didn 't feel the same way , at least , he wasn 't ready to . " Great ! Where 's your dress ? " Misty smiled and went over to her closet . She opened the door and pulled down a ocean blue cocktail dress . Daisy 's whole face lit up . That was the reaction Misty had been hoping for when she found this dress . It had a halter top and was tight through the torso but flared out slightly as it reached the bottom . It resembled a mermaid tail in how it was shaped , but it was the color that stood out . It was the same color as her eyes and made her hair seem darker and her skin glow . When she wore this dress she felt like a movie star . Ash sheepishly scratched the back of his head , " I 'm really not all that great at speeches . " he chuckled , " But I really want to thank Prof Oak for giving me my first pokemon , Pikachu , and for always being there for me and treating me like a son . My friends who were there for me so I never had to travel alone . And my mom , for always believing in me and knowing that I could achieve any dream I set my mind to . " he held up his champagne glass and everyone raised theirs around the room . But now his attention was on the door which had opened as someone tried to sneak in quietly . He knew who it was right away , even though she was grown up now . Her red hair fell in waves down to the midde of her back and her dress was the color he knew matched her eyes . He was drawn to her , he excused himself and went towards the door . " Really good . Running the gym has been a lot of fun . And you , you 've finally become a pokemon master . . . and the youngest one ever too . That 's quite an achievement . " " She flew back to Petalburg a couple nights ago , her mom hasn 't been feeling too well lately and May wanted to take care of her . It sucks that she couldn 't be here tonight , but I know that her mom needs her more than I do . " Ash smiled softly . " Sure ! " they moved to the dance floor and he placed his hand on her waist , the second they touched both felt a shot of electricity go through them and they stared at eachother for a long time before smiling and moving to the music . It wasn 't long before they were the only people left on the dance floor . He finally became self - conscious enough that they stopped dancing . " Where are you staying tonight ? Are you driving home ? " he asked . " I was thinking that I should do the same . . . I 'm starting to feel a little light - headed , I don 't think I 'd make it home even if I walked . " he laughed , " I 'll walk you up to your room . " they went over to where Prof Oak was saying goodbye to the guests as they left . " Professor ! Thanks for throwing this party . It was a lot of fun . " he said hugging his mom who was standing by the door . " I can 't think of anyone who deserves it more than you Ash . You should be very proud of all that you 've accomplished . " Prof Oak nodded smiling at Misty . It wasn 't a peck on the lips as she had originally planned , it was the sort of kiss that made them both glad that the wall was there otherwise they would have nothing holding them up . He was the one who made the next move though as he pulled away from her , took her cardkey and slid it through the scanner . Twisting the handle she backed slightly into the room . " Do you want to come in ? " she asked knowing the answer as he had already started to follow her . He shut the door behind him and they resumed their kiss . She pushed his jacket off his shoulders and it crumpled to the floor as she led him towards the bed , which they both were starting to figure would be much more comfortable then standing in the middle of the room . She moaned softly as his lips strayed from hers , kissing her neck and shoulders . Her next task was getting his shirt and pants unbuttoned while he worked on unzipping the back of her dress . Then he stopped . He wasn 't sure what had come over him , it was as if he wasn 't in control of his own body . This was something that had never happened to him before . Sure , he had dated , even before May , and it wasn 't as if he had never had sex . Brock made sure that he went through that rite of passage around his 16th birthday . Once Misty walked through that door his conscience seemed to go on vacation . He looked down at her , stripped down to her underwear , a state he had never seen her in before this . She was so skinny , but she always had been , the clothes just must have masked it better . She smiled up at him and kissed his chest . The two sides of him argued , it was the preverbial angel and devil on his shoulders . He agreed with both sides . Couldn 't there be two of him ? One that walked out of the room and went home to wait for his fiance . And one that stayed here with Misty ? He knew that whatever was going to happen was in Misty 's hands . He couldn 't trust himself to make the right decision in this . He needed her to stop him . " Misty . " he said in a hoarse voice , " Tell me you want me to stop . " he was pleading with her , but even he could tell that his tone didn 't convey that . She wouldn 't get the hidden meaning behind his words . He awoke the next morning and looked down to see Misty tucked against his chest . Oh God . . . maybe I can leave before she wakes up and we can both just pretend this never happened . No . . . that 's not fair to Misty . . . she didn 't do anything wrong . He lay there contemplating what to do when he felt her stir and yawn . " Morning . " He took the time to stretch but stopped when she turned and kissed him . He sighed and pulled her closer to him wanting to feel her skin against his . She stopped kissing him and smiled her face just inches from his . " I think I 'm going to go take a shower . . . but . . . . " she grinned devilishly , " I expect you to join me . . . " He laughed as she stood and walked to the bathroom . He sat back , wondering how to tell her that last night had been a mistake . He could blame it on the alcohol . . . but he hadn 't really had all that much to drink . He still wasn 't sure what it was that had made him act the way he did . His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a beep coming from the pile of clothes on the floor . He reached over and found his cell phone and that he had a missed call . He called his voicemail and heard May 's voice . " Hey ! I was just calling to see how the party was ! They showed part of it on the news . Great speech . " she laughed at her own joke , " you 're probably still sleeping , it seemed like it was a late night . Call me when you get up ! I love you ! " He had suddenly hit a new low . He had one girl calling him from her home in Petalburg and another taking a shower in the bathroom next to him waiting for round two . What had he done ? It only took a few seconds for this to sink in , when it did Misty stood up and rushed as far away from him as she could . " You mean you 're engaged ? And you came to me . . . you kissed me . . . you made l - " she couldn 't say it , " You * * * * ed me . . . and the whole time . . . you belonged to someone else . . . . " she couldn 't help the tears that began to fall down her cheeks . " Get out ! " she shrieked running back into the bathroom and slamming the door . She heard him move around the room gathering his things then leaving the room altogether . Once she was sure that he was gone she leaned against the bathroom door and started to sob as she sank to the floor . Misty cried until she ran out of tears , she was ashamed of herself . She had never done anything like this before in her life . Whether or not it had been planned , it had happened and she had been blissfully happy . She awoke in his arms , a feeling she had never known before , and hoped that it would continue . But it didn 't , it couldn 't , almost as quickly as it had started , it was over . Ash was engaged . He had never been hers and now he never could be . But more than that , she had done a terrible thing to May . That poor girl , who had never done anything to her but be her friend , she couldn 't bear to think about it anymore . She stood and stared at her reflection in the mirror , her hair was matted in the back from being up against the door . Her eyes were puffy and her skin was blotchy . She looked as bad as she felt , raw . Her heart was breaking all over again as she relived last night . She breathed deeply and walked out of the bathroom relieved to see that he hadn 't come back to try to talk to her . She dressed quickly and checked out of the hotel well before noon . She just needed to get home , she needed to be in a place that was hers . Pallet Town was Ash 's and she didn 't think she 'd ever feel the same about it again . The drive seemed to pass by in a second , soon she was pulling into the driveway outside her childhood home . Daisy began to go towards her own room to get the key when she heard Misty 's lock turn . " You can come in … " she sighed . They all walked to her door but Misty put her hand up , " Daisy can come in . " and the door was shut and locked behind her . " You can 't make me tell you anything that I don 't want to . " " You want to bet ? I can get you to say enough to give me the gist of the problem . But wouldn 't it be easier if you just told me ? " " Well , as your first stupid one night stand , I 'd have to say Ash isn 't such a bad choice . He 's one of your friends , he 's not bad looking … you could have done worse . " Daisy was having trouble seeing the problem , Misty had always been the goody - two - shoes sister , she was trying to understand why sleeping with Ash was such a big deal , but considering some of the guys that she and their other two sisters had messed around with , she just couldn 't see what was so bad about Ash . . Daisy 's face lit up " Misty ! I can 't believe you would be so … " she struggled to find the words " … naughty ! ' suddenly she realized that she had said the wrong thing because Misty 's entire body began to shake with sobs . " Oh … oh I 'm so sorry , I didn 't mean it … I just … that 's something that Lily would do … or me … . or even Violet … . but not you … " She did as she was asked , " I didn 't know . He didn 't tell me he was engaged , and I don 't think that he planned on it . He got a call from May and it prompted him to tell me . " She burst into tears again as the memory came back to her , " That 's not even the worst part ! This isn 't how it was supposed to happen ! I was supposed to tell him that I loved him and then . . . " " Then . . . you 'd live happily ever after ? " Misty nodded slowly , " Misty , I 'm sorry that I 'm the one to tell you this . . . but fairy tales don 't come true . Sometimes . . . the girl doesn 't get the guy . To be completely honest though , I 'm surprised that it 's the first time you two have ever done anything . You were so infatuated with each other . You held out for a long time . . . I 'd say , chock this up to a bad experience and get over it . " She stood " It matters a lot , I don 't want to see you get depressed about this . It sucks that Ash is engaged and that you had to find out the way that you did . I 'm not saying that you can 't be upset about that but you didn 't do anything that any other woman in your position wouldn 't have done . " " I guess … but I 'm only going to let you wallow in self - pity today . " she hugged Misty and then went to the door , " Do you want me to keep this from the other two ? It 'll be hard since they know you told me , but I 'll field their questions until you 're ready . " When they pulled apart he laughed , " Apparently so , that was one hell of a kiss . " She sighed pushing him backward towards the living room , " I 've been doing a lot of thinking while I was home … " she kissed him again , " And , you 've given up so much for me lately , we 're engaged and you 're waiting a couple years to actually marry me , and I wanted to wait to sleep together until we were married . But I love you , especially for doing all that for me … I want to reward you " He opened his mouth to say something but was pushed onto the couch . " I 've been thinking that we 're already engaged , that 's just a step away from married right ? Maybe we should make love to each other . " She was on top of him , kissing him . He sighed as she moved her lips down to his neck , " But , we already do … stuff … are you sure you want to take the next step ? We don 't have to , I don 't mind waiting . I want your first time to be perfect for you . " I don 't deserve this he thought to himself She pulled his shirt over his head and started to kiss his chest . , " I know , I want to . As long as it 's with you , it will be perfect . I love you so much and I want to give myself to you . " She sat up and pulled her own shirt off . a / n : chapter 3 is up ! I wanted to have a chapter showing the aftermath of Ash and Misty 's one night stand , I know it seems like he 's a cheating butthead , but trust me that 's not what I 'm going for . The next chapter might not be up for a little bit , I 'm still tweaking it and trying to figure out how I want it worded . But I can tell you that it 's 4 years in the future when the story picks up again . Enjoy it ! And leave comments ! They motivate Last edited by ashlyrose ; 30th April 2008 at 6 : 44 PM . Posts 561 Very well written , and strong plot . However , the description wasn 't too good . The start had good description , but it just seemed to drown out to dialogue and basic description . And sometimes , the plot and dialogue just seemed to overpower good writing . Try keeping concentrated on being descriptive even in the dialogue , as that sets the mood for the bigger events in the story . Lastly , a little too much happened in one chapter . For each chapter , you should probably concentrate more on one event , as to keep it interesting , and to keep us on our toes and waiting for more . Despite that , good story , and I 'll ( try xD ) to review soon . Eventually . Posts 238 ~ Star Dust : I know , it 's one of my faults . I get really excited with what I have planned to come next and I tend to rush the chapters before . I tried harder to not rely so much on the dialogue in this chapter . " So this place seems to be great ! " Brock was saying as he sat at the breakfast bar in Ash and May 's kitchen . May 's cell phone beeped from the living room and she rushed to it . He raised an eyebrow in Ash 's direction . " Yeah , I don 't know either . She 's been obsessively around her phone for the last couple months . I thought maybe her and Mom were planning something for my birthday , you know how they love to do that . . . Anyway , is it something that we want to use when it comes to supplies ? " Ash asked from his place on the couch . " I 'd say so , but you 're the boss , after all . " He laughed . After Ash had become a Pokemon Master he had run out of things to do , he traveled for awhile but once his and May 's wedding neared he wanted to have a stable place at home for them so he opened his own Pallet Town Gym hiring Brock as his private breeder . The gym didn 't count in the Indigo League like the Cerulean and Pewter Gyms , but if you did win the match you earned a badge showing that you defeated the current champion . The badge was May 's own design , a brown orb with a yellow thunderbolt though it , not too many people owned one but his gym was one of the most popular . May snapped her phone shut and kissed Ash on the forehead , " For your information , we are not planning anything for your birthday . Just like we weren 't last year or the year before that . " she went back into the kitchen with Brock . " So , where is this place ? " " She 's … Misty 's daughter . Since you guys don 't really talk to her anymore … I wouldn 't really expect you to know about her . " he glanced over at Ash who had become increasingly more interested in the conversation . Ash stared at the picture in front of him then up at Brock who shrugged and pretended to be interested in the pattern on the counter top . " I didn 't even know that Misty was married ! " May commented as she left Ash with the picture and went back to the kitchen . " She isn 't . " Brock said , " She never really told us who Katie 's father is … we were all pretty shocked when she told us that she was pregnant and that she was keeping the baby . She was only 20 , but you know Misty , once she sets her mind to something you 're not going to change it . " he laughed a little , " She seems to be happy though , as a single mom , and she 's not really alone , she has me , and her boyfriend has been around since before Katie was born and he 's like a father to her . " " Because they were set up on a blind date when she was already 5 months pregnant , unless he works really fast , I 'd say it 's near impossible that he 's her father . " he gave Ash a meaningful look , " Trust me her sisters and I have worked it out , Katie was born in April so she had to have been conceived in July … and she wasn 't seeing anyone then . My guess is that she did something stupid and was too ashamed to tell us so she kept it all a secret . " Ash stared at his friend , it was all in the expression on his face . Brock knew who Katie 's father was , and Ash was pretty sure that he knew too , and he didn 't like it one bit . He really wanted May to leave , he wanted to talk to Brock , to ask him about Misty . Another part of him , didn 't want to know . He didn 't want Brock to yell at him , he also didn 't want it to be confirmed that he did this . He cheated on May and now he had a daughter , a 5 year old daughter that he had never met and who would probably never know him . Just looking at her picture he saw himself , his hair , his smile , she looked small for her age , he was too until his reached 15 and had a major growth spurt . He didn 't know how anyone could look at her and not see him . But May seemed oblivious , which was good , he had never told her what had happened the night of the banquet , how could he ? It would break her heart , and he couldn 't do that . It killed him to hurt any girl , something as little as disappointing his mom , or big … . like what he did to Misty and May . He stared at the picture , frowning . May saw the distress on Ash 's face , but didn 't have time to dwell on it as her phone beeped again . She picked it up smiling at it 's message before replying . Once she was done she caught Brock 's eye and flushed a little . " But talking about long - lost friends and breeding supply stores is not why I came here . Trisha and I have decided what we 're doing for our wedding . " Brock continued . Brock had always been a little girl - crazy , but all that stopped when he met Trisha . She was one of Misty 's friends from Cerulean City and the complete opposite of Brock . She was an only child where he was the oldest of 11 children . She was a little flakey and crazy while Brock was stable and responsible . They each brought out the best in each other . But when Brock popped the question they soon argued over what sort of wedding to have , Trisha had always wanted to elope to Celadon City while Brock wanted to celebrate with his family and friends . " We have decided to meld our plans together ? Instead of having the huge wedding or the non - existent wedding . We are inviting our families and closest friends to her family 's beach house where we are having a week long party basically , on the last day , we 'll get married . " Brock smiled . " I know ! It 's so great ! " he laughed then looked over at Ash . He looked troubled staring at the picture of Misty and Katie . Brock 's heart almost went out to his young friend , almost . But he was also there when Misty found out that she was pregnant and right after Katie was born with that dark hair . Misty 's heart broke every time she saw Katie , her own daughter , and he could never really forgive Ash for that . He understood that Ash had made a mistake , and he knew that he realized what a huge mistake it was , but it was also something that he could never take back . " Then you two will be there , and Misty and Katie as long as she agrees to be Trisha 's maid of honor which she 's being asked about , probably as we speak . And her parents and my parents and brothers and sisters . And that 's it . " Brock listed off . " That sounds like so much fun ! I can 't wait to see Misty again , I 've missed her so much ! And to meet Katie . It sounds like it will be a great week . When is it going to be ? " " Yeah , for a week ! Won 't it be fun ! We haven 't seen Misty in so long it will be great catching up , won 't it Ash ? " May smiled clapping her hands together excitedly . May 's phone went off again and both men stared at her . She avoided their gazes as she looked down at her phone . " Oh ! I completely forgot , I have to go shopping . . . I need to get some stuff for the gym and now , I need to find the perfect wedding gift . " she winked at Brock as she leaned over the back of the couch and kissed Ash . " Bye , hun , see you later tonight . Anything you want me to pick up for dinner ? " " You know what I noticed . " Brock said as he continued looking through his wallet for the business card . " Ah ! Found it ! " he slapped it down on the counter . " Oh ! Sorry . " he smiled , " You and May have been married for a couple years now . . . but you never say that you love each other . Trisha and I can 't go 5 minutes without saying it . " Ash opened his mouth to say something then shut it . He was right , they never did say ' I love you ' to each other . It wasn 't that they didn 't , it just didn 't have to be said . " We don 't need to say it . . . I know she loves me , and she knows that I love her . I don 't say I love you to anyone really , not even my Mom . " he shrugged . " Brock . . . Katie . . . she 's mine isn 't she ? " Brock was silent for a long time , so long that Ash thought he wasn 't going to answer him . " Yeah , she 's definitely yours . Sometimes , I 'll be spending time with her and I 'll forget where I am . I think I 'm around you when you were a kid . When she laughs , she sounds exactly like you . " Posts 7 YOU SUCK ! ! ! JK ! ! Hi it 's your lovable cousin ! ! you know that one guy . anyway Nice work . see you didn 't need my help ( which you almost always ignore ) but I still love you ! the only mistake i find in your new chapter is " Won 't be fun " but the word " it " is easily missable so Kudos kid ! ! ! So . . . Misty getting a kid was kind of expected in an unexpected way , and May being oblivious to it all . . . I doubt that . She 's probably storing it all in her , crying inside . Keep it up . So . . . Misty getting a kid was kind of expected in an unexpected way , and May being oblivious to it all . . . I doubt that . She 's probably storing it all in her , crying inside . I know , the one night stand conceived love child is a little cliche but it helps the story to have a tiny antagonist ( I think that 's the right word ) unknowingly throwing her parents together . ; D And as for May , she is a little oblivious if only because she has no reason to think any differently . She has no reason to question Ash . But trust me , there 's no crying on the inside . I 'm a definite pokeshipper , but I went into this telling myself that May wasn 't going to be the victim in this one . " Can you believe it 's so huge ? " She breathed clasping her hands together . It was indeed a very impressive house . Easily 5 floors with ivy climbing over the stone walls , it didn 't look like the laid back beach houses they were used to seeing . " Yeah , she , Katie , and Trish are out back on the beach . " he pointed through the door . May jumped up and down and ran towards the back . Brock laughed , " I 'll help you , Ash , that way I can show you to your room . " He grabbed two of the smaller bags while Ash held the large suitcase and they made their way to the stairway . If the outside of the house was grand , the inside was practically a museum . There were paintings on almost every wall and statues all over the floor . They walked through the entryway and to the large staircase , which reminded Ash of the one in Beauty & The Beast . Once they were at the top , Brock led him to a hallway that was almost completely symmetrical to itself . 6 doors parallel to each other with vases in between each one . " This , " Brock opened the door on his left , " Is your room . " The room was surprisingly small , a king sized bed in the middle of the room with a flower patterned comforter on it , a large window overlooking the beach was on one side and a door was on the other . " The door leads to the bathroom , there 's a sink and a toilet and then another door that leads to the shared shower . " " What ? " Ash asked narrowing his eyes at Brock . He had told him about the night of the banquet almost right after it had happened , but they had never really talked about it , jokingly or otherwise . " Yeah , " he sighed , " It would really put a damper on my wedding if there was infidelity . " Ash opened his mouth to say something as May walked in , " Oh my God Brock ! The beach is beautiful , I just came up to change . " She opened the suitcase on the bed and dug through until she found her bathing suit . " Is that the bathroom ? " she asked pointing to the door . Both men nodded as she skipped off . " I 'll let you change too , see you guys on the beach . " Brock turned and began to walk towards he door , " Oh , Ash … remember what I said " " Shut up ! " Ash moaned under his breath as Brock ran out the door . Misty sighed as she leaned back onto the towel . If only Trisha wasn 't her best friend , then she wouldn 't have had to come to this wedding fiasco in the making . After what had happened 5 years ago at Ash 's mastery banquet she vowed to never speak to him again . Things had been going really well too , until Trisha had announced her and Brock 's wedding plans that included a week stuck on an island with Ash and May . She picked herself up onto her elbows and watched Katie run around on the sand with some of Brock 's younger brothers and sisters , she smiled . When Misty had first found out that she was pregnant as a result of her one night stand with Ash she had seriously considered having an abortion . It would be too painful to carry Ash 's baby for 9 months and then raise it , by herself . In the end , obviously she had decided to go through with it , knowing that she would never forgive herself if she hadn 't . Now she couldn 't imagine her life without Katie . Of course Misty had been shocked when the nurse handed her daughter to her and she saw her full head of black hair . Then when she saw Katie 's first gummy smile , and first laugh … there was no doubting that she was Ash 's daughter through and through . Luckily only a select few people knew that , and those that didn 't never questioned her about it . But she was afraid that with her , Ash , and Katie in the same place for a week people would start to make a connection , but the person she was most worried about was May . She couldn 't imagine that Ash had told his wife about his infidelity , and she really didn 't want to be there when she found out either . " Misty ! " May came running up behind her . They had once been friends , May saw Misty as an older sister - type role model , and Misty had loved having another girl in their circle . At the same time though , both felt threatened by the other , and the reasoning was simple , Ash . Upon meeting , both immediately saw that they each had their own relationship with the undeclared leader and neither liked the idea of one girl being closer to him than the other . Misty had blamed her sister 's vanity for her losing Ash . If Daisy hadn 't won that damn beauty contest that sent her around the world and Misty back home to take care of the gym , she could have staked her claim from the start . But she knew that was childish , it wasn 't Daisy 's fault , or even May 's that Ash ended up falling for her . It was Misty 's own fault for being to scared to tell him how she really felt . She stood and held her arms open to May . " Me too ! " May hugged her tighter , " I can 't believe that we just grew apart ! You weren 't even at my wedding ! " she noticed Misty 's face fall , " And now I hear that you have a daughter ! Brock showed us a picture , I can 't wait to meet her ! " " Well she 's right over there , Katie ! " she called over toward the group of kids . A small dark haired girl in a pink tankini ran over and held one of Misty 's legs , " Honey , this is one of my friends May . " she pushed Katie a little closer . " Hi ! " Katie grabbed May 's hand and began to pull her towards the other kids , " Come on ! They 're going to have a pokemon battle ! " May looked helplessly back at Misty as she laughed and waved . That was one trait that Katie had gotten from both parents , she was never shy around new people . She sighed and lay back down on the towel putting her sunglasses over her eyes . She listened to the waves crashing against the shore . The ocean always had a calming affect on her , she breathed deeply matching the sound . She didn 't sit up , she didn 't even open her eyes , she didn 't have to . She knew who was talking to her and she knew what they were talking about . " You had your own life that you were living , I didn 't want to ruin that for you . " " Don 't ! " her tone was so harsh that he jumped , " Don 't even finish that sentence . What we did wasn 't your fault . We were both in that hotel room . And I don 't regret it , Katie means the world to me . " They were silent for a few moments before Misty spoke up , " There is something I 've been wondering though . . . what happened to you that night ? I mean , as it was happening it didn 't seem weird . " She hesitated not sure if he wanted to answer , " But once I found out that you were engaged . . . why did you do it ? That 's not like you . " He didn 't say anything for a long time . He was trying to gather his thoughts , " I have no idea . " he finally answered . " Trust me , it 's something I 've been trying to figure out for 5 years . It 's like I wasn 't there . I was watching someone who looked a lot like me , but wasn 't . . . I can 't really explain it . The second I saw you walk in the banquet , I couldn 't control myself . " " Should we probably not be sitting next to eachother ? I don 't want you to lose control again . " She opened one eye and looked at him . He was frowning down at her . She wanted to tell him that she was kidding . . . but she wasn 't , at least , not completely . " No ! " She immediately regretted how she said it when she saw his face fall , " That 's not true … she knows of your existence … I mean … she knows that she has a father , somewhere , but she doesn 't know anything about you . It was easier that way . " " I 'm not by myself ! I have Brock … he 's been really great with her . My sisters help out a lot too , they adore her , they 're trying to mold her into the girl they never got me to be . " " Better than I 'd hoped , actually . She told me before we went outside that she didn 't want to wear sunscreen because Aunt Daisy said that with her dark hair she should have a tan . " She giggled . I think that 's a little rude . First he walks over her and then he hugs her ? Other than that I think it was good . Kudos kid kudos Ash groaned as he leaned back into the arm of the couch . He had the worst headache . They had only been on the island for 1 day and already the two girls had made him feel as if he was 15 again . " Coffee ? " Brock asked handing him a cup . Ash sat up and took it from him , slowly sipping . Ash opened his mouth then shut it , he wasn 't sure . All he knew was that Misty and May had been joined at the hip since they arrived and it bothered him . " They 're spending a lot of time together … " " We were close … but now … " he didn 't know how to describe how he was feeling so he stared off at the stairs . It wasn 't long before Katie walked down them slowly , still in her pjs with a stuffed Totodile in her arms . " Things are different … " was all he said . " I didn 't but I certainly will . " he said standing and making his way into the kitchen . Ash set his cup on the table in front of him and sighed , lost in his own thoughts . Since that night 5 years ago he had been thinking about Misty a lot , everything seemed to remind him of her and it was strange . When they had separated on their way home from Johto he had been upset , understandably so , Misty had been around since the day he set off on his journey . He had been an only child away from home for the first time and Misty had easily filled in the maternal influence he had been missing . More than that , she challenged him to be better , she wouldn 't accept anything less than his best . Sure , they fought more than anyone on the planet but neither of them took anything to personally , they were both independent spirits with hot tempers . They flowed well together , and he had no idea how he would survive without her there pushing him along . When he left home again , this time by himself , he called her everyday , relaying everything that had happened to him . She did what she normally did , berate him for the things he had done wrong and congratulate the things that were right . Then he met May and joined up with her , it didn 't take him long to realize that while May didn 't have the temper that Misty did , she filled in her spot well . He stopped calling , knowing that Misty was probably tired of hearing from him anyway , their talks were few and far between . She stopped by a couple times when she was able to get away from the gym , but as her job became more demanding and he traveled farther away she wasn 't able to come anymore and he soon realized that he didn 't need Misty as much as he used to . Then she unexpectedly popped back up into his life at that banquet and the rest is history . He had no idea what came over him that night . Ash had always been one to leap first then think but he had never done a thing wrong in his life . In one instant of not thinking , he cheated on May and stuck Misty with a daughter . He wasn 't " Hi . " He was brought out of his thoughts by Katie who was now standing in front of him . " Hi … " He said slowly wondering if he could make an excuse to get away , he had been hoping to completely avoid the little girl the whole time he was here so that no one would start putting two and two together . She stared at him expectantly , dear God she had her mother 's stare , it seemed to penetrate right through him like she could see what he was thinking . He had to get her to stop staring at him , he looked down at her hands , " That 's a cool Totodile . " " This is Joseph . Mommy got him for me . I wanted a Pikachu but she wouldn 't let me have one . She said I could only have water pokemon . " she struggled to get up onto the couch next to him so he put his hands on her sides and lifted her . " Hey , how would you like to hear the story of when I got Pikachu ? " He lifted her chin up and smiled at her . She nodded emphatically as he turned to look at her . " Well , my journey didn 't start out very well , I had broken my alarm clock in the middle of the night so I overslept the morning I was supposed to get my first pokemon . So I ran to Prof . Oak 's lab hoping and praying that there would still be a pokemon left for me ! " he jumped up from the couch imitating himself running . " But when I got there Charmander , Squirtle , and Bulbasaur were all taken ! " " This time , I was going to get that Pidgey , without Pikachu 's help , I had to prove to him that I wasn 't stupid ! " Ash jumped back into his story , " I found a rock and tossed it , thinking that I could at least knock it out a little and it would be easier to catch . I soon found out that it wasn 't a Pidgey at all ! It was a Spearow , which are a lot meaner ! They got really angry and started to attack Pikachu ! So we started to run , we just had to outrun the Spearow . We ran and ran and ran until we got to a waterfall , and I couldn 't think of anything to do but jump and hope for the best . " He looked over at Misty and grinned as she realized what her part in this was . " I had run away from home for the umpteenth time and was fishing on the side of the pond when I felt a hard tug on the line . " she said jumping up onto the couch with Katie , " I pulled with all my strength , I still don 't even know how I did it , but I pulled Ash and Pikachu out of the water and onto the land . I was mad to see that he had treated his pokemon so poorly . But I told him the way to the nearest Pokemon Center - " Brock walked into the living room to tell Katie that her french toast was done but hesitated in the doorway and watched Ash and Misty telling the story of the day they met . He marveled at the fact that even after so long they could still flow so seamlessly with each other . And little Katie was completely entranced by their story . " And the Pokemon Center was blown to bits ! " Misty threw her arms in the air to emphasize her point and lost her balance on the couch falling into Ash 's arms . The two stared at each other for a few seconds . He wanted to kiss her so badly , and she was right there a mere 5 inches away from his face . He leaned forward slowly . That afternoon Ash and Brock took his siblings and Katie to the water park on the main island , leaving Misty , May , and Trisha alone on the beach . Misty and Trisha were laying back hoping to get tan while May sat with them preoccupied with her cell phone . Once the constant beeping and giggling got on her nerves Misty sat up . " Please , Ash is technologically retarded . It took him a week to figure out how to check his voicemail when he got his first phone . " Misty rolled her eyes . Trisha suddenly became interested in their conversation . " She 's right May . You 've been on your phone like this for the last couple months . Even when Ash is sitting right next to you . You know you can tell us anything right ? What 's going on ? " May ignored them turning her attention to her phone which had just received a new message . She felt herself smile as she read it , she couldn 't help herself anymore . She looked up at Misty , " So I hear that you 've been seeing someone for the last couple years . " " I 'm not , not really . So you 're seeing someone ? Is it serious , Misty ? " She could feel May 's eyes boring into hers , " 5 years is a really long time . " " Yeah I guess it 's kind of serious . . . I don 't know ! " Misty cried , " We have a deal . He 's there for Katie and she loves him , but . . . we 're not exclusive or anything . I hate that word ! It makes me feel like I 'm 16 ! We have an open relationship . " Misty hesitated , " Yeah . . . I guess . . . if he asked me . I wouldn 't be able to find a reason not to . Why all the questions ? What does this have to do with your phone ? " " Oops ! I think I accidently deleted all the incoming messages . Here , this is the one she just sent . " she handed the phone to Misty who looked that the text on the screen . Trisha flushed , " I - I can 't remember . I think I should probably go upstairs and shower , before the boys get home . " she picked up her stuff and rushed inside . Posts 238 I agree he does try not to hurt anyone . But people get hurt , whether or not you mean for them to . It 's not as if I have him sitting around thinking that everything is hunky dory . He knows he made a mistake and he deeply regrets it . No one is perfect . Maybe it was easier for him to seem that way when he was 10 and the people he was protecting were random strangers that were around for one episode and never heard from again . But my story is set 15 years after that and I 'm trying the best I can to make an adult Ash with a different set of problems . Posts 561 You showed in that chapter , that while Ash may have matured , he 's still the lovable oaf we know him to be . He 's a little OoC , but its not too bad . Ash groaned as he leaned back into the arm of the couch , he had the worst headache . Run on sentence . The chapter was kind of short , but it still satisfied my thirst for some Pokeshipping . You really showed Ash and Misty 's " connection " , but its kind of true that you hadn 't shown us any development of Ash and May , and that they truly loved each other . Posts 94 Truth : No two people who are engaged and are in love go out somewhere else and makeout with someone else . Especially if they really mean it . Which is what it 's suppossed to be . Posts 238 Okay . Edit is complete . Please let me know what you think of the added stuff . I 'm still feeling a little off about it . But there 's a lot more May than there was before . |
/ 0 Comments Since they started living together , Tim and Maria both slept in the nude . Even in his dream state , Tim knew this . So it made sense that he removed his clothes before he got back in bed with Maria after sleepwalking . Maria found the first pile of clothes in the laundry room not long after she noticed the door being open in the mornings . The clothes were still clean . Apparently only having been worn for just a little while . They still smelled like she pulled them out of the dryer on Sunday . Without even thinking about it , she neatly folded them back up and put them away . She had to think for a while . She understood why Tim would get undressed to get in bed . But why did he get dressed in the first place ? There were no clothes the first few nights he went out which meant he was out there naked . Maybe he didn 't mind being naked because he was in the backyard . If this was the case , then that meant that he got dressed to go beyond the confines of their property . He was going out into the city . Eventually , one morning she couldn 't just fold the clothes up and put them away . They were filthy . They were dirty , grimy in some spots . When she put them up to her nose , they no longer had that fresh scent out of just coming out of the dryer . They smelled like Tim . He had been sweating in them . Everything had been simple until now . Concealing Tim 's sleepwalking sessions didn 't require a lot of deception or even thought . She realized that if she was going to continue to protect him , to keep silent , things were going to get complicated . She was going to have to do somethings behind his back and keep more from him than expected . Was it worth it ? Her husband had been through enough , she thought . He didn 't need to go through any more trauma . / 0 Comments When Tim read the words , " I am in the hospital . We lost a baby . " His heart sank . It took everything he had to keep his composure . The last thing he wanted to do was break down and cry right there in front of everybody in internet café . " 60 seconds number 18 ! " A voice yelled over the crowd . That was Tim . He was on the computer numbered 18 . He waited in line and hour to get five minutes on the computer . Com had been down for five days . They usually are in the event of a casualty . This allows the government to notify the family before they hear the news through the grapevine . The fact that the attack , which yielded the casualty , took out the power plant meant that com was down for longer than usual . When it finally came back up , everyone wanted to get online to notify their family that they were OK . Thus the brass required a five minute limit on all computers at the internet café . " Don 't be . You didn 't do anything wrong , " Tim typed . " Be sad but don 't be sorry . Call your mother . Fly her in for a few days . I 'm about to get cut off . We 'll Skype later . I love you . " It was after normal duty hours so he went to the only place he knew he could be alone , the shop . When he got to the door , he frantically unlocked the padlock as if he was trying to get into the bathroom and was about to piss his pants . As soon as he opened the door , he stepped in , and it slammed behind him . He leaned back against the door and slid down to the ground and started sobbing . It cost him six 1 - pint water bottles of his homemade wine to get access to an unauthorized computer in the COM tent . Being a civil engineer had its privileges in the desert but so did being in the Communications Squadron . Each of the tents where the COM squadron members quartered had a computer and unlimited internet access . While the six members that occupied this tent were out enjoying Tim 's hooch , he had complete privacy and over an hour 's worth of access to the internet . This was when he Skyped Maria . " The news was wrong . It wasn 't four . It was only two , " Tim said . " One of them was my troop , Senior Airman Ricketts . " The mortar round blew Airman Ricketts to pieces , and the ensuing fire ensured that there was nothing to send home to his parents . Sergeant Martinez survived the blast but not fire . Diesel fuel surrounded the hardened shelter that was the operations plant and engulfed it in flames . Martinez opened the door but quickly closed it after the heat singed his mustache and eyebrows . The autopsy report read that Martinez died of smoke inhalation . Breaking the rules was probably what saved Senior Airman Jones 's and Airman Ski 's life . They were sitting in the pickup with the windows up . The engine ran while the AC blew , keeping them cool and wasting taxpayer 's money . Protected by the concrete barriers they did not get much of the blast wave from the explosion or the shrapnel from the mortar . Thinking quickly , Jones threw the gearshift into drive and sped away . When he realized that the tires were on fire , he slammed on the brakes , threw it into park , and he and Ski jumped out and ran to safety . Though he did tell Maria the gruesome truth of what happened , he didn 't tell her how it made him feel . He still couldn 't believe he lost someone under his " command . " In the movies , it happens all the time . But even in the movies , it only happened officers or senior enlisted in the Marines and Army , not Air Force Staff Sergeants in charge of the heating and air shop . He was also disgusted and disappointed with himself . If he hadn 't of told them to " get lost " or had just gone with them , Ricketts would be alive . The worst part about it was every day they had to go to work where there were reminders of Ricketts everywhere . Also since every game of dominoes would have to be cutthroat now , they just stopped playing altogether . / 0 Comments Tim was seven when his parents split up . Looking for a fresh start , Tim 's mother took her two children up to St . Louis . She managed to get a job at a bank as a teller . For the next couple years , she struggled as a single parent of two in her 20s , trying to make ends meet as well as trying to have a social life . When she couldn 't take it anymore , she knew something drastic had to be done she moved back to her hometown and in with her mother . Tim 's grandmother , Lenore , was put in the position to do most of the raising of Tim and his sister . Though not well - off , evident by her living arrangements , Timothy 's grandmother was not destitute . Her late husband left her the land , which was completely paid for , as well as the trailer in which they lived . Between Social Security and the houses she cleaned for cash , she made a decent living . Enough to spoil her only two grandchildren , who got practically whatever they wanted . A little lonely Tim 's grandmother welcomed the opportunity to take the role of being a mother . She did an excellent job of it too . She made sure they had breakfast and got them to school in the mornings . Then would pick them up and take them for the occasional McDonald 's milkshake in the afternoon . At night she made sure whatever homework they had got done . She let them watch a little TV and made them an enjoyable meal . Being The man of the house , Tim got to choose what he wanted for dinner . Yes , he was quite spoiled . His favorite meal were these cheeseburgers his grandmother made on sourdough bread . Later in life , he realized what she was making were Patty melts . On Saturdays , the big deal was to make a trip to the grocery store . This is where Tim got to pick out what he wanted to eat the rest of the week . Especially his favorite cereals . Saturday nights was also movie nights which included homemade popcorn cooked in a cast - iron skillet on the stove top . Summer vacations were not typical for Tim . As his grandmother 's trailer was way outside the city limits . There weren 't any neighbor boys to play with for miles . He spent most of his summer days watching daytime television or helping his grandmother tend to their garden . On the days where she left to clean houses , he was left at home alone with his sister . Tim was a typical big brother . He both bullied his sister and took care of her . He found her as a suitable playmate though he would have preferred the company of little brother . Though she loved both Tim and Vanessa equally , you could tell that there is a special bond between Lenore and Tim . In her eyes , Tim could do no wrong . They were so connected that she could feel Tim 's pain every time he took a beating from his mother . It broke her heart . Though , she never stepped in to stop it . It was Tim 's grandmother that signed him up for his first martial arts school after he came home from school one day with a shiner . He seemed to be a natural at it and got his Tae Kwan Do black belt in just a couple years . Bored with all the kicks , he signed up at the only other martial arts school in town . A Kempo Karate dojo owned by a guy who had never left the country and who had learned Karate from another man who never left the country . The training was sufficient for most of who attended the school . By the time Tim was fourteen he had years of training under his belt . Some of his movements had become instinctual . So , he couldn 't help himself when his mother went to slap him in the face . Without even thinking about it , he blocked swing with his left arm . Tim 's mom felt a significant sting when this happened , but it wasn 't as much from the contact her wrist made with Tim 's forearm as it was the realization that she could no longer beat her son into submission . Tim went to live with his father by the end of that very month . One day in fifth grade , Tim got unexpectedly called principal 's office . Expecting some sort of ass chewing , Tim was surprised when he walked into the principal 's office and found his father sitting there . His eyes were dry , but the redness made it evident that he had been crying . The principal asked him to sit down and said that his father had something to tell him . Pop was Tim 's father 's dad . The only real grandfather he had . Pop was responsible for allowing Tim to do little boy things . Fishing , riding on the tractor , hunting for crawdads in the creek and the like . Tim 's relationship with Pop was not as strong as his relationship with his grandmother , but it was a close second . She was sitting on the couch watching TV when he walked in . She already knew . Her arms were out as soon as he walked through the door . He ran straight to them . That 's when he broke down . As he sobbed in her big grandma arms , she comforted him and said , " It 's all right . " She rubbed his back and continued with , " Let it out . Let it out . " She didn 't say anything to try and make him feel better , to take away from the reality that was his grandpa 's death . She just gave him permission to cry and let him . They had just made love , and Tim was quite proud of what he had accomplished . " You love it , " he said as he picked up his phone . Maria still looking at him , amazed by his arrogance . It was breast cancer . A mammography found it . It had been quite some time since her previous mammography due to crappy insurance . Surgery was scheduled right away . The issue was her health . It was poor . She was obese and diabetic . A simple walk from the car to grocery store entrance required her to sit down and catch her breath . The doctors worried that when they put her under to perform the procedure , she would never wake up . Sitting on the bed , she held him while he cried . Rubbing his back and saying nothing to him except , " It 's all right . Let it out . Let it out . " Maria observed everything from a safe distance . When Tim made inquiries in the following mornings , she reported nothing . She thought it was best he didn 't know . If Tim knew , he might insist that they go back to the doctor . Maria couldn 't stand the thought of her husband with all those probes connected to his head sleeping in a strange bed for observation . Tim could insist he go back on the meds . For Maria , this was absolutely out of the question . So , she did what she thought was best . She kept silent . With Tim 's discharge from the Air Force , Tim and Maria had to move off base . They bought a half - plex in the city of Roseville . In case you are wondering , a half - plex is half of a duplex . It was all they could afford . The housing bubble hadn 't quite burst yet , and California property values were still bloated . They had a plan to eventually buy the other side and start their lives as real estate tycoons . Although it wasn 't the closest city to the base , they always preferred to travel to Roseville to run errands or go to a movie . It was worth the drive , " It 's just nicer , " Maria admitted . It also gave them an opportunity to stop in Lincoln for pancakes or tacos . So , it was obvious when it came time to finding a place to buy a house . Plus , Maria already worked in Roseville so living there shortened her commute to practically nothing . Tim had picked up a well - paying job working second shift at the Sutter Roseville Medical Center . This is why sleeping in till noon seemed natural to him . When Tim lost that job , he never noticed that he kept sleeping in till noon , even though he was going to bed at a normal hour . Maria continued to sleep through her husband 's sleep walking . She never noticed anything wrong in the morning , so she just assumed things were fine . Until one morning while on her way to the car to go to work , she saw that the back door was open . Not wide open but just enough to not latch shut . They had a carport in the back with room enough for just one car . This is where she parked so , every morning she walked through the laundry room , out the back door to go to work . For the next few nights , she made sure that when they went to bed , that the back door was indeed locked . And most mornings she found it either unlocked or not closed all the way . That 's when she knew that Tim was leaving the house at night . / 0 Comments Knowing that the dance was over at 10 : 00 , Hector arrived at the Kims 's at 10 : 15 . He anticipated that he would have to wait five minutes or so , but after 20 minutes had gone by , he began to worry . By 10 : 45 he was knocking on the Kims 's door trying to communicate with Mr . Kim about the whereabouts of their daughters , but he had no luck . Mr . Kim spoke neither Spanish nor English . By 10 : 55 Hector had said " Fuck This " and drove off looking for his daughter . There was not much to Hector Rodriguez . He was of below average height and below average build , but years of manual labor yielded him above average strength . He was quite the athlete too . He played minor league baseball for one season but gave it all up when Espi became pregnant with their first born . He would have liked to continue playing baseball , but his mother told him his decision to stop having fun and go to work was made as soon as he put his " pito " into Espi . Hector settled for beer league softball for the rest of his days . His years as a landscaper built and strengthen his legs and lower back . His short stature made it easy for him to get down to the ground . He was a hell of an infielder . Nothing could get past him . He loved playing shortstop or even third base , but because he was the only member of the senior league team who could still squat , the team usually posted him behind the plate . Hector drove the route he anticipated the girls would take to walk home . There was no sign of them . When he got to the high school , he saw that it was dark and empty , except for one car . From a distance , it seemed that there were some people there hanging out , so he pulled into the parking lot to ask them if they had seen the two girls . When he got closer to the car , he could see that the people hanging out were actually a couple that appeared to be fighting . Oh great , he thought , this is the last thing I need . He thought about just driving off but then he thought what if the woman was in trouble . He thought at least the approach of his car would interrupt the conflict , but it didn 't . The cholo was too high to hear or see the approaching vehicle . As Hector approached the cholo on foot , he thought a little about how hard to swing . At the moment , murder was not something he wanted to have on his conscious . When he swung , it wasn 't with everything he had , but it was enough . The cholo never knew what hit him . " Did he violate you ? " Hector stood there panting , both hands at the bottom of the bat 's handle , pointing it at the knocked out cholo . He wasn 't even looking at Maria . At this moment , Hector was no longer a rational man thinking of avoiding a murder charge . He was one word away from bashing in the skull of Flaco . Maria 's words snapped Hector out of his trance . " Get in the Tahoe , Mija . " He let Flaco be and reached over to open the back door to the Caprice Classic . In it , he found Little Joker having his way with a crying Kim Kim . " Hey ! " Hector said . " Get the hell off of her . " Maria hadn 't listened to her father . While he was distracting Little Whatever , she was on the opposite side of the car helping Kim regain her composure and get to safety . When she got a chance to look over at her father , she couldn 't see him . The cholo was so big that he concealed Hector from her just by standing between the two of them . Maria thought there was no way her father could win in a fight between him and Little Joe . From the front seat of the Tahoe , Maria could see the big cholo swing his boulder of a fist toward Hector 's head . " Daddy ! " she screamed . Maria didn 't have to be concerned very long . Within seconds cholo number two was on the ground , and she saw her dad standing there raising his bat over his head to let it come down across the back of Little Shorty for good measure . When the cholo began his swing , without thinking , Hector dropped into a squat as if he was going to pull weeds or catch a pitch . Little Joker completely missed , and when the coast was clear , Hector stood up with all the force of his cocked legs and caught the cholo right on the chin with the very top of his bat . As bad and tough as he was , the big cholo found out that night that he had a glass jaw . While digging through Flaco 's back pocket , Hector addressed little Joker or Shorty or whatever the hell his name was . He was down but still conscious . " I 'm taking your drivers license . I know who you are and I know where you live . Either of you two fuckers ever touch my daughter again , and I 'll send my son after you , and he is not as nice as I am . " / 0 Comments In 9th grade , Maria was finally allowed to go to a school dance . It wasn 't a formal one . It was one of those that took place on a school night . Still , Maria was excited to finally go to a dance . Maria 's longtime friend Kim invited to the dance . Kim 's first name and last name were both Kim . Maria met her in elementary school . Kim Kim wasn 't known as Kim Kim then . Back then , she was Mi Na Kim . Mi Na 's parents had immigrated to the states before Mi Na was born . After years of complaining , the Kims decided to let their kids change their names to something " more American - sounding . " Mi Na 's older brother , Sun , picked the name , John . Mi Na picked , Kim . Assuming she would one day be married and that her last name would change , Kim 's mom didn 't see and issue with it . Of course , it never ocurred to her that Kim could marry another Korean with the last name of Kim . Kim and Maria were schoolmates from kindergarten until the Kims decided that paying for high school was out of the out of the question . So while Maria got dropped off for her first day of high school at Junípero Serra High School , Kim walked several blocks to her first day of school at Gardena High . This is why Hector had a problem with Maria going to the dance ; because it was at the public school . Statistics aside , Hector assumed that everything about public school was sinful . Public school kids did drugs and had sex . Catholic school kids did too , but Hector was blind to this fact . Never mind that he met his wife , Espi , when she was attending a Catholic high school , and they did drugs and had sex then . The plan was for Hector to drop off Maria at the Kims 's . Maria and Kim would walk the few blocks to the dance and return as soon as it ended at ten o ' clock . Maria and Kim would then walk back to Kim 's house where Hector would be waiting to take Maria home . It turns out Kim was having the secret relationship with a junior named , Antony . He went by Tony . There were two reasons why this relationship was kept a secret from Kim 's parents . One , he was older and two , he was black . To the Kims , open minded was allowing Kim to date other Asians , not specifically Koreans . But they were heavily partial to her dating other Koreans . Maria spent most of the dance sitting alone , while Kim and Tony rubbed their groins together rhythmically on the dance floor . She couldn 't wait for it to be over . She was grateful when the lights came on , and it was time to leave , but Kim was in no hurry to leave . " Oh my god , Kim , hurry . My dad is gonna be waiting for me . " Maria , patiently waited for her friend to finish whatever it was she was doing . She stood there in the cool night air watching the gymnasium empty until finally , the last person walked out . This person kicked up the door stop allowing the door to close , and automatically lock itself when it latched shut . With the parking lot nearly empty and no foot traffic , the ambient noise level dropped enough that Maria could hear the faint sound of moans coming from the dark corner to where Kim . Maria was still unsure of exactly what was going on over there in the darkness , but in the back of her mind , the sounds were familiar . As if she had heard them before one night in bed when she couldn 't sleep , coming down the hall from her parent 's bedroom . " Kim , let 's go ! " It had been 10 minutes since that the doors of the gym were closed . No response . While pacing around a bit to help the time pass by , she got a glimpse of the parking lot . There were only two cars still parked there . One of them must have been Tony 's , she assumed . Maybe he could give us a ride , she thought . Five more minutes had passed when she heard a woman 's voice shout , " Antony . " Right away , Maria knew it was not Kim who yelled his name . One - it was not Kim 's voice . Two - Kim called him Tony . And three - It was coming from a dark figure walking up from the parking lot towards Maria . " Antony ! " She was a tall , lanky woman . She wore pajama bottoms , house slippers , an oversized t - shirt , and a scarf wrapped around her head . Her breast visibly swung underneath her t - shirt like a grandfather clock that had two pendulums , if one were to exist . She pronounced his name Ant - nee as if there was not an " o " in it at all . Despite the woman 's youthful face , Maria knew the look of a mother . And this one was Tony 's . " Hello , young lady , " said Tony 's mother . " Have you seen a tall , skinny , light skinned black boy around here ? " Before Maria could respond , Tony ' walked out from the dark corner . " Boy , what the hell is wrong with you ? Got me waiting in the car like a got damn chauffeur ? " She didn 't wait for a response . " Let 's go ! " " Yeah . That 's kind of disappointing , " Kim said . " But now it makes sense that he wanted to do it behind the gym and not in his car . " Maria couldn 't understand how her friend was so nonchalant about sex . The church had her believing that it was strictly for her future husband and that only sinners and harlots , had sex before marriage . Eventually , though , Maria would convince herself that sex with someone you love was equally as virtuous . " We have to go , " Maria said . " I am going to be in so much trouble . My dad is going to be fuming by the time we get to your house . " Thick plumes of smoke and the music of Brenton Wood rolled out from the cracked window of the Caprice Classic . In it were two Cholos sitting in the from seat getting higher with every inhalation . Though not related , they looked like twins . Same shaved head , same khaki Dickies , same black Nikes . Their only differences were their stature and choice in t - shirts . The taller one with the muscles , who was probably called " Little " something ( Joe , Shorty , Joker , whatever ) , wore a white wife beater . The skinny one , probably called " Flaco , " wore a plain , white , crisply pressed t - shirt . Flaco was behind the wheel , and Little Joe was in the passenger seat . Technically Flaco was a student at Gardena High though he never went . His truancy was why he was on his second attempt at the 12th grade . Little Shorty had dropped out the year before to work and party . He was Flaco 's guest to the dance . They had hopped on picking up some girls but weren 't having any luck . They left the dance for the parking lot to get high and never went back . For over 90 minutes Flaco had been rambling on about girls , drugs , cars , and money . Not once did he notice that Little Joker hadn 't said a word . As Maria and Kim approached the car Little Whatever finally spoke , " Oye , güey . Mira la Chinita ! " When Maria got close enough to the Caprice Classic , she knew that they weren 't getting a ride . She didn 't recognize the car in particular but she recognized the type . Thanks to her older brother , she was well educated in the ways of the cholo . " We 're walking home , " She told Kim . " Trust me . You do not want to get in that car . " " Let 's go , Homes , " Flaco said to Little Joe as he patted him on the side of his leg with the back of his hand while he opened the driver 's side door . " You can have the Chinita . I 'll take the shorty . " Although she didn 't want to , it was easy to get Kim into the backseat of the Cholo 's car . Maria was resisting but not too much . Flaco had already grabbed her by the wrist when she stared backing away as he approached her and it hurt . She knew not to get in the car but she also knew she didn 't want to resist to harshly . She was afraid of provoking a violent response from the cholo . Maria realized that she was in a predicament , unaware of how she was going to get out of it . At least she wasn 't in the situation her long time friend was in . For the second time that night Kim found her skirt raised up over her ass . Little Shorty was working on getting an erection . Though Kim had said no repeatedly , he was not convinced . He mistook Tony 's secretions for Kim 's and thought for sure she wanted him . If he had only known what it was that was on his fingers , his attempt to rape Kim Kim would have ended right then and there . Flaco was now kissing Maria on her neck . He had gone for her mouth but she turned her head in disgust . Tears silently rolled down Maria 's face . She thought herself helpless as she felt Flaco 's hand begin it 's decent into her panties . She tried to push him away but he had her firmly pinned between the car and himself . His fingers were past her waistband and now working their way through her pubic hair . Maria started pounding on him with the side of her fist on her one free hand but it was useless . Flaco 's fingers were now past her clitoris and poised to enter her forcefully . Maria braced herself and closed her eyes . She prepared to feel something , for the first time in her life , enter her vagina . That 's when she heard the thunk of something metal and hollow . When she opened her eyes , Flaco was out cold on the ground , his hand no longer down her panties , and standing there with an aluminum baseball bat in his hand , was Hector . I am excited to post this . I worked for over a month on this chapter and its continuation . I can usually write a chapter in one sitting but that was not the case for this one . I hope the reason for telling this story of Maria in high school will be understood later in the book . / 0 Comments Because of Tim 's rank , he eventually got a room to himself . That 's when Maria started spending the night on a regular basis . Every morning she would get up a little earlier than usual and head back to her dorm room to get ready for work . It was just easier to do this since , even though Tim had his own room , he still had to share a bathroom with someone . Within the next few months , Tim 's housing status changed again . He was allowed to move off - base and started receiving BAH . BAH stands for basic allowance for housing . Tim got a shitty little apartment outside of base in the town of Marysville . It was your typical crappy apartment complex . The units still smelt of the previous occupants , the walls were paper thin , and the assigned covered parking spaces were too small for anything other than a compact car . The steps to the upper floors were so worn that the once square corners of the wooden planks were now round and splintered . Once he signed the lease , Tim headed off to the closest Goodwill to furnish his apartment . He picked up a bundle of utensils that were taped together with clear plastic packing tape marked $ 5 . 99 , one pot , two drinking glasses , and two coffee mugs ( Though he hadn 't figured how he was going to make coffee ) . He found a semi used mattress and flat screen TV on Craig 's List and put them both on the floor of the bedroom . Back on base , he loaded his pickup with his dorm room contents , made a stop at the Base Exchange for some bedding , and stopped the chow how for one last free meal . Tim 's first night in his apartment was also Maria 's first night in his apartment . She became what was known as a ghost . A ghost was someone who kept their dorm room because they were not authorized to move off base yet but lived off base anyway . When it came to dorm room inspections , their bed always looked perfect , as if no one had slept in it , because no one had . It was on that first night Maria realized that Timothy 's apartment was going to need a " woman 's touch . " Most of the people they associated with called him Rogers . Nobody she knew called him by his first name . To Maria , calling him Rogers just didn 't seem right but neither did Tim . For some reason , she started calling him Timothy when she learned of his full name , Timothy Adam Rogers but mostly she just called him babe . Unlike Tim , Maria knew that one day she would live on her own and started preparing for it as a teenager . She knew that someday she would have her own kitchen . So , every time her mother upgraded any type of appliance or utensil , Maria saved the old version in boxes she kept in the garage of her childhood home . Her mother upgraded so often that it got to the point the Maria was replacing items she hadn 't even used . By the time Maria joined the Air Force she was already on her second coffee maker , toaster , wooden spoon set , and blender . " I 'm going to have to go home and get some stuff before too long . We can 't live like this , " Maria told Tim . " Oh my God Timothy . I just had to heat up tomato soup then dump it into bowls so that I can use the same pot to make grilled cheese sandwiches . That 's like what . I can 't have my kitchen like this . " " Then yeah , it 's my kitchen , " she affirmed . " I 'm gonna put in for a couple of days leave . That way I can go during the middle of the week while you 're at work and we don 't miss out on time any time together . " " Listen , it 's not that I don 't want to tell them , but they are very Catholic and very Mexican , you know ? They probably still think I 'm a virgin . Telling them that I have a boyfriend and that I 'm living with him would just cause a bunch of drama I do not want to deal with right now . Not yet . " " Ay Dios mío ! " Maria said this more to mock her mother that to really say it , holding her hands up looking up at the ceiling . She then brought her hands to the sides of Tim 's head and gave him a kiss . She then picked up his bowl and plate , which were paper , and took them to the trash . There may have been a little of gender roles because of Maria 's upbringing , but she honestly did love to do things for Tim . He never expected it of her but let her serve him as much as she wanted . He loved it and loved her for it . Being taken care of by woman was something he truly missed . Both because he did not get it from his mother and because he got it so much from grandma . Maria could see the appreciation on his face when she put a plate of food down in front of him . It made her warm inside . I actually spent most of my morning getting another chapter ready but chose to publish this one instead . I felt like the other needed more work . It turned out this one needed a lot too . Still feels like it does but I hit the road so here it is . / 0 Comments Maria 's first night with Tim was a night of firsts . It was her first time at a Civil Engineers dorm party . The first time going home with a guy she just met . The first time she ever had sex on a top bunk while someone was asleep on the bottom . And the first time a man has ever given her an orgasm . Tim was her third lover . Her Catholic upbringing had her put off sex as long as she could with her longtime high school boyfriend . By the time the senior prom came around , she felt obligated to give it up in the back of a rented limousine . Her boyfriend , however , had been having sex the whole time with a neighbor girl who went to the public school . Maria eventually found out through a friend who went to that same public school and broke if off with him . The experience crushed her . She met her second lover in college . Well , a failed attempt at college . She dropped out of the nursing program when she realized that bodily fluids made her vomit . The good news was she didn 't want to be a nurse . The plan to go to nursing school was that of her mother . The bad news was her little bit of college qualified her for a job the Air Force was in dire need of , a Medical Technician . The irony is that she worked in the lab and was surrounded by bodily fluids . Luckily , seeing them in plastic cups and glass tubes was a little more tolerable than seeing them actually coming out of a human . Her second lover was a nice . That 's all . Just nice . They in her Human Anatomy class and paired up as study partners . She liked him but was not enough to date him . She decided to sleep with him out of curiosity 's sake more than anything else . It was bland and uneventful . Tim was a passionate and affectionate lover . He cared when it came to pleasing a woman . His knowledge of a woman 's body came from reading his mother 's women 's magazines after school as a curious teenager . Being emotionally abused by his mother until she finally stopped talking to him altogether at the age of 17 gave him a subconscious desire seek the approval of the women in his life . All this put him at a significant advantage over other boys his age when it came to making love . As drunk as he was that night he carried Maria to his dorm room , he was still able to make her feel like she had never felt before . Being in such a hurry and a little ashamed , Maria didn 't leave her number the morning she left his room . Tim took it as a hint that she didn 't want to see him again . He , of course , thought that she wasn 't pleased with his performance . Tim tried his best to avoid Maria . This would have been a lot easier if they didn 't work in the same building . When Tim swung by the chow hall early on Mondy to pick up some breakfast , he was sure to grab a couple extra boiled eggs for lunch . He stayed in the basement of the hospital all day that day but knew there was a chance he would see her at dinner . Every meal provided at the dining facility was free and most times , not bad . All the Airmen that lived in the dorms ate at the dining facility . So , on Monday night , Tim and Maria ate their meal avoiding eye contact with each other . They each pretended to be involved in the conversations happening at each of their individual tables , but this was all an act . The truth was , they were more interested in the person eating on the other side of the room . The act continued on Tuesday , Wednesday , and Thursday night . On Friday , Tim didn 't eat at the dining facility . He and a few of his other Civil Engineers decided to hit the lake for the weekend . Friday night on the lake was deemed by the boys as a " sausage party . " It was just them , not a female in sight . They cooked hot dogs over the campfire and got shit - faced drunk off cheap beer . The next morning they decided they " needed some chicks . " Since Stewart had a phobia of taking a shit in public places , the boys tasked him with getting more beer and inviting some girls to come out when he went back to the base to take his morning dump . " Don 't bring back any of that cheap shit either , " someone shouted as he got into his $ 300 car . It had a huge hole in the radiator and would over heat if he drove it too long . Usually , it would last long enough for him to get to one location . He could then only drive it again after it had sat long enough to cool off . Stewart was notoriously cheap and would often only buy the beer that offered a mail in rebate . Though he stole the envelopes from the government , he still lost a good portion of his rebate to the cost of the stamp . The only time Stewart didn 't pinch pennies was when he was gambling . " Bet you twenty bucks I bring some chicks back , " he said to no one in particular as he headed off to the base . Stewart was the first to get out . " Miss me , fuckers ? " He proudly held up two 24 packs of Old Milwaukee 's Best . " Someone owes me twenty bucks ! " Stewart 's first stop was the liquor store on base . That 's where he ran into Jay . One of the only Engineers who went by his first name even though he was a Staff Sergeant . And the only one of all of them that had a boat . He was on his way to the lake and was swinging through the base to pick up his girlfriend who lived in the hospital dorm . Stewart made the mistake of making two stops , the liquor store and then the dorms . By the time he was done using the toilet , his car was still too hot to drive . He could see Jay 's truck at the hospital dorm . He grabbed his two suitcases of beer and walked over to catch a ride . Stewart was lucky . Jay should have been long gone by now , but he had successfully gotten his girl to get a group of friends together to join them at the lake . He was waiting on them all the get ready and pack an overnight bag . There were so many of them they had to take two cars . " You can have this one . I just opened it . " He handed her the beer and just like that , the awkwardness and tension that had been there for a week was gone . The first thing she did was kick off her Vans . Tim tried not to stare , but there was no way he wasn 't going to watch . He took in every detail of her body as stripped down to her bikini . Maria pretended not to notice him watching her . Her feet were small and cute with toes painted blue , of all colors . Next , were her jeans . The act of her taking them off was a turn on for Tim but what it revealed was even better . Her hips were wide . Her jeans had seemed to accentuate them . Tight little asses were nice , but there was something about a woman with " child bearing hips " that Tim found more appealing . Next was the baseball cap . As soon as it came off , her hair fell all the way down to the small of her back . He had never seen her hair down , not even the one time he saw her out of uniform . The t - shirt was next . Even though Tim was a fan of obnoxiously large breasts , he found her small perky boobs to be perfect . Obviously , Tim had been naked with her exactly one week prior , but he was drunk , and it was in the dark . He didn 't really get to lay his eyes on her . He loved everything he saw . Maria put her cap back on and pulled her hair once again through the hole in the back and slipped her Vans back on . She pulled an insulated cool cup for her beer out of her backpack and then stuffed it with her clothes . Instead of slinging the pack over her shoulder , she held it by the strap in one hand , palm up , looking for a place to put it . She was about to head back to the SUV when Tim spoke up . " Here ! You can put it in here . This is my tent . " The rest of the afternoon the two of them never separated from each other 's side . After a while , nothing was holding back their physical attraction to each other . Hands rested on thighs , quick smooches were given , footsie was played , and sunblock was applied . From the looks of it , most people would have guessed they had been a couple for a while , not someone who just screwed last week and hadn 't spoken to each other since . Being the only two out of the group who weren 't completely drunk the night before , Maria and Tim were the first to wake up that Sunday morning . There had been lots of lovemaking the night before . Some of it even ended with a round of applause . As the walls of Tim 's tent did not do much to block any sounds coming from it . " Fucking starving ! " Maria said . The boys had not really prepared to feed themselves much less and the entire group of girls that showed up later . Luckily , Jay had brought some extra food , but it still wasn 't enough . Most of the group went to bed drunk and hungry . Tim broke down his tent , packed it up with the rest of his gear , and threw it in the bed of his pickup truck . He peeked his head into the large tent that belonged to one of the other guys , bodies where scatters all over the floor like a scene from a zombie movie . " Hey , one of you ride home with the girls in SUV . " The only response he got was a thumbs up . They 'll figure it out themselves , he thought . Tim got to an intersection where he was going to make a right towards the base when got an idea . " I know this place in Lincoln that has some sick pancakes . Do you want to go ? It 's a lot better than the chow hall , promise . " For the first time since they officially met , it was just them . No booze , no dancing , no friends , no sex , just them . For the entire time , the drive to Lincoln , waiting to order , waiting for their food , during their meal and the drive back to base there was not one uncomfortable silence . They talked and laughed and started catching each other up on all the years of their lives each other had missed . This is the longest chapter I have written so far , 2300 words . I love how I can take details from my life and then mix them with pure imagination to come up with the story I am telling you . I hope you are enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it . / 2 Comments After leaving the hospital that first day with 60 days worth of Desyrel , Tim and Maria stopped to pick up some groceries before heading home . When they got home , Tim dropped the groceries on the kitchen counter , took a seat on the couch and turned on the TV . It 's not that he didn 't want to help , but Maria had made it well known that she was in charge of the kitchen . He didn 't want to get in trouble for putting an onion in the refrigerator when it was supposed to go in the wicker basket that was on top of the microwave . " I 'm gonna put your pills right here on the kitchen counter next to the paper towel thing . " The paper towel thing was a vertical brushed nickel paper towel holder . It could be put anywhere , but it had it 's proper place , to the right of the kitchen sink . Now it seemed that Tim 's medication also had it 's proper place too , to the right of the paper towel thing . " I 'll set out your dosage for you every day . They 'll be on the counter but today … " " … today I 'll bring them to you . " As she said this , Maria stepped out of the kitchen and immediately caught the attention of Tim . She had a glass of water in one hand , two pills in the other , and was wearing nothing but a matching bra and panties . While everyone else liked G - strings or thong panties , Tim liked the bikini cut . He remembered picking these particular ones out as a Valentine 's gift last year . They were all black but see - thru enough that Tim could see both her manicured pubic hair and the crack of her ass . Maria didn 't care for them because of the visible panty line , but she knew when and where to wear them . Like under a pair of jeans , which were now on the kitchen floor along with the shoes and sweatshirt , she wore to the hospital . Upon seeing his wife , blood started flowing to the appropriate body parts , and Tim turned off the TV . While he took his pills and drank his water , Maria undid her bra and slipped her panties down to the floor . She took the glass from Tim and went set it down on the end table but not before giving Tim a get those pants off look . Tim got his pants down to his ankles before he realized that he still had his boots on . But it didn 't matter . Maria had assessed that this was good enough and straddled her still dressed husband . After climaxing together , Maria stayed on top of her husband to recover leaving him inside of her . The firmness of Tim 's penis diminished to nothing and slowly left the warmth of his wife . After this , Maria got up , picked up her bra and panties and walked back to the kitchen . Tim watched her bare ass swaying from left to right with just a little jiggle with every step as she walked away . Tim went pee and then returned to the living room and turned the TV back on . After about a half hour of flipping through the channels , the aroma of pan roasted tomatoes , chili , and garlic from the kitchen had made it 's way to the where he sat . More interested in what was going on in the kitchen than what was on tv , Tim went to check it out . " Smells good in here . " He found his wife breading thin slices of chicken breast . Flour , egg , then breadcrumbs . Her hair was in a messy bun and she has a smudge of flour on her cheek . She had put her sweatshirt back on but instead of her jeans , she had put on shorts . Shorts so short that Tim could see just a slight hint of each ass cheek peeking out the bottom . Tim looked around and spotted the step stool Maria often needed to reach the higher cabinets in the kitchen . He got and it and brought it to Maria . " Here , you look like you need this . " She didn 't but she knew it was for him , not her and played along . " Yeah ? You think so ? " she said . She stepped back and let him place the stool in front of the counter and then stepped up onto it with her bare feet . " Oh , that is better . " She continued with her process . Flour , egg , then breadcrumbs . From behind Tim reached his hands up her sweatshirt and cupped a bare breast in each hand and kissed her on her neck . This immediately made Maria wet , ready to receive him again but she did not let her desires be known . Instead , she continued . Flour , egg , then breadcrumbs . Tim took a step back and pulled Maria 's shorts and panties down to her feet . " No , Timothy . What are you doing ? I 'm making dinner . " Maria protested standing there naked from the waist down , hands covered in clumps of egg and breading . Tim unzipped his pants and easily entered Maria from behind . Tim pumped away as if it had been months since the last time he had his wife , not minutes . Maria had continued to protest even though she had bent over slightly and was pushing backward towards Tim , ensuring she felt him as deep in her as possible . She managed all of this while without ever stopping what she was doing . Flour , egg , then breadcrumbs . Maria brought her feet together and clenched her cheeks hoping to keep what Tim had left inside of her for as long as possible . She tolerated the quickies because she viewed them as foreplay . She knew her husband would more that make up for it later that night . Besides , Tim 's leave was almost up . He would be back at work soon and the anytime - anywhere sex would soon come to and end . " The reason you hurt me was because I tried to wake you up . I should have just left you alone . All you were doing was sitting on the bed . It just freaked me out . If I hadn 't of done anything , you probably would have just laid back down and none of this would have happened . If it happens again , I 'll just leave you be . IF it even happens . They might not even come back . " The nightmares and the sleepwalking stopped the night Tim took the medication for the first time . After their excellent meal and the kitchen was clean , Tim and Maria retired to the bedroom and made love again before eventually falling asleep . That was the last time they had sex . It had been nearly a month . Once the Desyrel got in his bloodstream , Tim was sleeping peacefully through the night . But he also lost all interest in his wife , sexually . None of the naughty tricks Maria knew Tim liked worked . Even without the interests , Tim would try to have sex for the sake of his wife , but nothing he or Maria could do could get the blood flowing to his flaccid organ . Maria was happy and grateful that Tim 's nightmares had gone away , but she was devastated that they couldn 't make love . Yes , she loved sex with her husband . Yes , she loved how much he desired her . But more important than either of those , than whether Tim did a little sleepwalking or not , was her getting pregnant again . I hope you can see why I had to write in a lot of sex . I got to tell you it was quite the erotic journey I went on writing these scences . I tripled this week 's word count which practically means I wrote this chapter this morning . I hope you enjoy this weeks post . / 0 Comments The one thing you have to deal with on a deployment , no matter what branch of service you are in , is boredom . For soldiers , it 's the time in - between missions outside the wire . For HVAC technicians , it 's the time in between service calls . The members of the 447th Civil Engineering Squadron HVAC shop spent most of their day playing dominoes . The thing is they couldn 't do it in the shop unless they were on an official break , like lunch . For them to be able to play all day , they had to get creative . The center of the front seat of their six pack pick up folded down when there was no need for the middle seat . After a trading frozen bottles of water ( Ice was a hot commodity in the desert ) for some wood and time in the Carpentry Shop , Tim and his Airmen fabricated a table top to fit perfectly over the folded down seat . A little bit of trim around the perimeter of the table top made it possible to mix the dominoes up and not lose any between and under the seats of the truck . After the completion of their table top , when it came for the crew to go " get lost , " they could park anywhere , set up their table , and bust out the " bones . " The four of them spent many an hour out behind the fuel bladders of the Power Plant . The power plant was noisy and smelled of diesel fuel , so people tended to avoid it . Except for the Power Production Engineers , of course . There was always at least one person there to monitor everything . On the day of the incident , there was no work to be done . But the boys needed to get out of the shop . Being seen in the shop meant you weren 't out working in the field . It didn 't matter that there wasn 't any actual work to do in the field . It just mattered that you weren 't in the shop . The morning of the attack , Tim was about to head out to the power plant with his troops when he got a phone call from his boss , Master Sergeant Mattingly . The Master Sergeant wanted to go over the evaluations Tim wrote on Jones and Ski . The Master Sergeant was a stickler for well - written paperwork . " Nah . You guys go ahead and play cutthroat , " Tim said . " The Master Sergeant is pretty anal when it comes to these things . This will take all morning . Just come get me for chow . " Dominoes just works better with four people . There are two teams of two and everyone gets seven dominoes . This leaves no dominoes left over , and with that , it 's easier to count the dominoes , a strategy used by advanced players . Cutthroat is an everyman for himself version and not as fun . That 's why when Airmen Jones , Ricketts , and Ski got to the power plant , Ricketts went looking for a fourth . The 12 - foot tall jersey barriers that protected the fuel bladders were also what concealed the crew when they were out playing dominoes . The 8 - foot long concrete monstrosities surrounded the bladders , but they did not butt up against each other . There had to be enough room for an Airman to be able to connected hoses to the bladders from the refueling trucks . After parking in their regular spot , Senior Airman Ricketts went out to see who was manning the controls in the power plant , their possible fourth . Taking a short cut , he slid sideways between two jersey barriers . Then , even though it was forbidden , he walked over the fuel bladders , like a little kid in a rented bouncy castle . Once he got across , he squeezed in between two more of the portable concrete walls and walked over to the power plant . He knocked on the door but walked in without waiting for a response . Inside the plant Ricketts found Martinez sitting in a chair with his head nodding , fighting to stay awake . Martinez was a grey - haired , overweight Technical Sergeant from the Arizona Air National Guard . He was way older than most Tech Sergeants , something common among the Guard guys . He was in the army when he was younger and missed being in uniform . He joined the Air Guard after a couple of co - workers convinced him . " We don 't do shit but play cards and drink coffee , " they said . That sounded good to Martinez . He enlisted at the age of 38 he and was probably one of the oldest Senior Airmen in the country . For the next several years he drank coffee and played cards one weekend a month , two weeks a year , then 9 - 11 happened . He was now on his second deployment . He would have gotten out after his first , spending time away from his beloved wife and three daughters was hard on him , but two words caused him to reenlist once again , " Retirement Check . " Ricketts knew as soon as he saw Martinez that they were going to have to play cutthroat . The crew had nothing in common with a middle - aged Guard guy from Tucson , AZ . Inviting him in the confines of their six pack to play dominoes was like inviting a priest to a party . Yeah , he 'll go and even drink , but you 'd have to be on your best behavior while he 's there . Mattingly ended up postponing the meeting with Tim by notifying him that he had , " more pressing shit to handle . " Having sent the boys off to get lost , Tim had some free time and decided to head to the morale tent . It was early back home , but there was still a chance Maria would be up . She had been waking up at odd times since she got pregnant . During the day the morale tent was nearly empty . He didn 't even have to wait for a computer . He logged in right away and checked if she was online . She wasn 't on Facebook as far as he could tell , so he sent her a message . Mortars fired towards the base rarely did severe damage . Iraqi civilians , who were paid by insurgents , randomly set the stovepipes in place . They were aimed with no accuracy or care and set with the makeshift time day , ice . They sometimes flew over the base and sometimes hit just short of it . When they did make it into the base , they usually hit something noncritical like and empty hanger or a dirt field . One time some shrapnel ripped through a Cadillac shitter severing a water line , rendering the bathroom unusable for a few hours . That was the worst of it , though . So when this mortar hit dead center of the jersey barriers that surrounded the fuel bladders , it was a one in a million shot . It was also a one in a million shot that Ricketts was on his way back to tell the boys that they had to play cutthroat . And , even though it was forbidden , Ricketts was happily bouncing on the fuel bladders like a little kid in a rented bouncy castle when the mortar hit . We are now to the stuff I started working on when I decided to create this website . This material is now a couple months old instead of six months or more . I had a hell of a time getting this one ready . Let me know what you think or if my dimensions of those jersey barriers are off . |
I am a young Golden Retriever who was a homeless dog , I was moments away from being killed when I was rescued by Golden Retriever Rescue of the Rockies ( GRRR ) , given a foster home , then a forever home . I write this blog to inspire other dogs and humans to help find homes for abandoned dogs . My family takes in fosters now and I help homeless dogs find their way to forever homes . Write me at Mogley . retriever @ gmail . com I found some books on the coffee table on non - verbal communication . I decided to work on training my master . It took some time but I finally trained my Foster to scratch my tummy when I roll over on my back . That was just a start ; I decided to work on other non - vocal communications . I began by bringing my leash to him , actually I bring in Bella 's leash , mine is very small and no fun to carry . This is my signal to go for a walk . If he is in the wrong shoes , I bring him a new pair . It took quite a few tries but I think he has finally grasped the concept . They finally understood that when I bring a ball to them they are supposed to throw it . I am working on bringing him my food dish when it is meal time ; he seems to be challenged by the concept of time . Training humans is difficult ; they seem to be slow to grasp concepts . I tried to help in the kitchen today . They were holding down a very dirty plate while they arranged things in the dishwasher . I turned on my " pre - wash " attachment and began to scrub the plate . You would have thought I had done something bad , they yanked the plate away and told me to stay away from the dishwasher . I am confused now . They put the dishes in there to make the dirt go away . I can make the dirt go away without any waste of water or soap , and do it with no effort from them . If they want to be environmentally correct , a Golden Retriever uses much less energy than a dishwasher . Humans are sure hard to understand ! Tonight I will dream of humans fetching my tennis ball ! Mogley Dachshunds ! My Foster parents are threatening to take me to the Dachshund rescue kennels and trade me for a Dachshund . They fell over me twice because they tried to step over me just as I was standing up . Wait till they lose a tennis ball in the pool and they want their Dachshund to fetch it ! Wait till they throw a Frisbee , and they send their Dachshund to retrieve it . Wait till a visitor needs to be greeted at the door with licks , wags , wiggles and snuggles . Then they will realize how valuable their Golden Retriever is ! They would not really trade me in , would they ? Maybe I won 't lay down in the kitchen or the hallway , just in case . The cat is staying ! After three weeks they gave up . No one is going to call and claim a lost cat . I tried to tell them that . They should have taken the cat to the Dumb Friends League when they first found it . Now they say it is so cute and it plays so well with Bella and I . They took the cat to the vet for a health check up and get its shots . I hope they got it inspected for cooties , I am sure cats have cooties . I knew the battle was lost when they took down the signs advertising " Found , Black Kitten " . If I have to share the house with a kitten , I am going to chase him and make him miserable . He comes running by me while I am relaxing , he bounces just in front of me before he takes off running again , just begging me to chase him . I jump up and chase him but he is already hiding behind the couch . He lays down on my bed and dares me to chase it . Cats are pests ! Tonight I will dream of chasing cats . Mogley 0 I knew something different was happening when my Foster took my bed out and put it in the back of the SUV . Jenny ( my humans daughter ) came by with her car and since her car was small and she had three Golden 's , we offered to let Pepsi ride with us . The back of the SUV is high enough that we can see out the windows very easy when the seats are down . Bella , Pepsi and I watched the scenery go by for a while till we got bored , then we all arranged ourselves to take a nap . Bella climbed in the front seat and rode like the queen she thinks she is . Pepsi and I curled up in the back , I slept on my dog bed but Pepsi had to nap on the hard floor . We stopped at a rest stop in some place called " Chugwater , WY " and we went to run for a few minutes . Bella told me that when they tell you to go " potty " , stall ! It makes our run in the park last longer . So I took my time until they headed back to the car with me , then I finally gave in . We had another long nap until we came to a place called " Casper " . We stopped there and had a short walk , and they left us for lunch . On the road again , they had to pull over in just a few miles . The human looked back and discovered that Pepsi had pushed the lid off of the dog food and was gobbling it up . The rest of the trip was uneventful . We arrived at the cabin high in the Big Horn Mountains . Boy did the air smell good when we got out . All kinds of strange smells were in the air . We did not know what they were but they were sure fun . After a walk in the woods , we went inside . After dinner we went for another walk , Bella and I stalled going potty again so we could sniff and enjoy the night air before we had to go to bed . The picture shows three of us in Jenny 's lap , relaxing after a long drive . The next morning we found that the cabin windows were very low and the window screens allowed us to smell and watch outside just fine . Just outside were some things called deer . We barked and barked until they ran away . A little while later several things they called wild turkeys went by . We ba0 Road Trip ! My Foster parents told Bella and I to pack our leashes , bones , toys and bed , we are going to Northern Wyoming . My cousins told me about the ranch in Wyoming , Pepsi , Molley and Emma went up there last week with their humans . It is a long drive but there are several rest stops along the way . Rest stops along the highway are fun , we get to meet a lot of different dogs . When we get to the mountians , they said there are deer in the yard every day , bears in the hills , wild turkeys in the trees , raccoons , foxes , ducks , coyotes and lots of birds . There are some big things called cows and in the corrals there are some horses . They told me that we have to be very careful not to go very far from the yard . They don 't let us run loose very much as it is dangerous if we run away following a deer . There is a stream in the yard so we can play in the water every day . For the next five days I won 't be able to blog , but when I get back , I should have some great stories . Tonight I will dream about deer , whatever they are . Mogley " Cows are being unfairly blamed for global warming , " according to my foster dad . He thinks that as a source of methane in the air , Golden Retrievers should be examined more closely . " As a group , Golden Retrievers would beat cows hands ( or tails ) down , in both quantity and quality of methane produced " he said last night as he opened the doors and windows . I am not sure exactly what he means , but it sounds like another thing that we Golden Retrievers excel at . Are we good or what ? I am still torn as to what to call our Golden Retriever Squeaky Toy Band . Maybe I should seek suggestion from my blog readers . We also have to decide which songs we record . I know there are some doggone good songs for us . Hound Dog , an old Elvis hit is a natural . Old Dog Trey is a little dated for an up beat group like us . I will explore more of these in my next blog . It is unfair , there is an entire stage play about " Cats " . I have looked and looked , but there is no stage play or movie named " Dogs " . Where is the justice ? Just in case anyone has forgotten , there is still a kitten in my house . How do you deport an illegal alien ? Tonight I will dream of Squeaky Toy Concerts . Mogley Cats and Kittens are the reason there is war , pestilence , famine and plague in the world . Democrats and Republicans each blame it on the other party . No , the cause is Cats and Kittens . The kitten arrived eight days ago and it is still here . We advertised on the web , we posted 14 signs on stop signs for a mile in every direction . We put up notices in the grocery stores and even several vet clinics . We still have not found anyone that will admit they lost a kitten . I could have predicted that no one would claim it , who in the world would want a kitten back if they lost one ? They probably celebrated when they discovered that the kitten had left . If someone did show up to claim it I was prepared to give them two cats as a bonus . Still , the kitten is fun at times . He loves to run and he will come up to me and then take off running . I will give chase and he will go behind a couch or jump up on a chair and stop , daring me to go any further . Then he will take off again . I tried giving it some of my toys but it is too dumb to grab them and have a tug of war . I caught the kitten laying on my dog bed this morning , he didn 't even move when I climbed on the bed beside him He came over and took a bite out of my breakfast bowl while I was eating . He is not respectful of dogs . He has no intention of leaving , I can tell . There must be a place that a self respecting dog can file a complaint about having too many cats in a house ? Tonight I will dream of kittens running away from home . Mogley 5 : 00 in the morning the alarm clock went off . Usually the alarm is set for 6 : 00 , but I wake everyone up at 5 : 30 , this morning they beat me ! They hurry Bella and I downstairs and feed us , then send us out for a few minutes . When we come back we all load up in the SUV and we head for Chatfield for something called a Balloon Festival . Chatfield is where we had the great Golden Retriever Rescue Picnic , so it must be a fine place . When we arrive we go walking in a big field , it is still dark , the sun is just coming up . Suddenly there is a loud " whoosh " and flames come out of a basket sitting on the ground . Scary ! A little further on there are more of them . Bella and I are trying to hide when several people come up to us and start petting us . More scary noises , but the people are sure friendly . Soon big colored things are floating in the sky all around us . We meet more dogs along the path , they are friendly too . We find a place to watch on a lttle hill , we sit beside a nice couple that want to talk about us and pet us while we sit . You remember the " Golden Retriever Rule " don 't you ? A Golden Retriever can not get enough attention ! More of the things they call Balloons are floating up in the air . The air is still and when the balloons go up , they just hang above us . We walk around and watch the balloons being prepared , then the noisy things fill them up with air , but once they float away they do it in silence . People are relaxed , they watch the Balloons and they pet Golden Retrievers . There is a giant pink bunny , it takes a long time to fill up with air and start to rise off the ground . They even had a big pink balloon with a nose and snout that was titled " When Pigs Fly " . This is an OK place . It is not a Golden Retriever Rescue Picnic , but it is all right . We get to go by the water but they won 't let us get wet . Darn ! We are home by 10 : 00 , but after walking all around we are beat so it 's nap time . The rest of the day is quiet . Too Quiet . The foster parents went out shopping and brought us back a whole bunch o0 It takes a lot of practice and rehearsal to turn a few good dogs into a polished band . We are getting so good on our squeaky balls that we need to form a band and go professional . In the picture I am showing my ugly foster step - sister how to properly hold a squeaky ball in order to get the maximum tone from it . She is usually laying down on the job , she does not practice as much as I do . She is not musical as I am ; she has to work hard to carry a tune , she hardly ever barks , even when she has a squirrel up a tree . She needs voice lessons if she is ever going to perform in public . I am working on what to name our band . We need a name that conveys our excitement and our dedication to music . We will test market a couple of names . How about " The Golden Band ? " Or maybe " The Retriever Chorus ? " How do I form a " focus group ? " In this picture I am helping Bella to get a correct grip on a squeaky toy in order to make the harmony work in with the rest of the band . Tonight I will dream of the wonderful music we will make as a band . Mobley Cats ! Why me ? Sunday night my Foster dad heard a noise out front in a big bush . He came back in the house with a tiny black kitten that had been hiding in the bushes . Only 4 months old , it looked harmless enough . " Found Kitten " signs were posted on sign posts and animal shelters called to find the owner . It has been four days now and no sign of it leaving . It gets along with us but that is not the point . Having two cats in a dog 's home is bad enough , but three is stretching my limits . It gets to sleep on the bed , jump on furniture , and climb onto window sills . When I try to follow it I get yelled at . There must be a way we can file a complaint with the Golden Retriever Rescue to let them know of this miss - treatment . Can we call Orkin and tell them we need them to remove an infestation of cats ? One bright spot came out of this ; my Foster dad says I am certified as " Kitten Proof " now , any family that wants to have a dog and a cat living together can adopt me . I helped feed the fish again today . The fish food smells a lot better than my food . I think I am being cheated . I leaned in and tried to grab some of the food but I could not reach it . I have fallen in twice already , and it is scary to suddenly be in the water . I went back in the house and found a squeaky toy . I remember an old story about a Golden Retriever that asked a Poodle " How can I get to Carnegie Hall ? " The Poodle told him " Practice , practice ! " That is what I am going to do . I will practice until I am a squeaky ball virtuoso . Tonight I will dream of a nice black kitten finding a new home , someplace else . Mogley I have not written since my picnic blog . I have been busy though as you will soon see . On Monday , Pepsi , Emma and Molly came by for a play date . Five Golden 's romping in the back yard made a fun afternoon . Pepsi is still a little shy , she will need some time to get used to her new sisters , aunts and uncles . She is good at " dog door " and came and went often enough that the Fosters soon closed it , they were tired of hearing it go " flap , flap " . The last two concerts in the park we attended were fine , but from a dog 's perspective they lacked squeaky toys . Guitars and drums are fine for humans , but they lack the depth and feeling that a squeaky toy can convey . We spent part of the day practicing on the squeaky toys . I plan on having a squeaky toy concert soon and I wanted everyone to become skilled in harmony . The squeaky toys in the balls sound much better , they responded faster and were much more intense . The squeaky things in the stuffed toys were rather muted and only good for background accompaniment . The practice session did not go as well as I had hoped , there were several tugging matches as various musicians attempted to take away the best squeaky toys from the other participants . The growling and barking accompaniment may lend another dimension to the concert . A few more practice sessions and we will be ready to headline our own concert on the green . Everyone promised to practice often when they went home . I need to do some research , there are some unanswered questions . Do five Golden Retrievers playing squeaky toys constitute a band or an orchestra ? I will need to do some market research as well , some friends have recording equipment and we may want to release a CD . I remember hearing a terrible recording of dogs barking " Jingle Bells " ; they were off key and not in harmony . We can beat that with our rendition of " Silent Night . " I worked into the evening on my solo part , that is until 10 : 30 when my foster dad took the squeaky toys away and hid them . He has no appreciation for fine music . He0 I did not get my blog written Saturday night , I was cold , wet , dirty and tired when I got back from the day at the Golden Retriever Rescue Reunion Picnic at Chatfield and my Foster dad won 't let me have the computer if I am wet and dirty . Buckley spent Friday night with us so he could come along with Bella and I to the picnic , the more Golden 's , the merrier ! We arrived early to help set up , that gave us even more time to play in the water before very many dogs and people arrived . My foster parents set up their chairs , then gave each of us a snack so we would remember where they were before they turned us loose . Then we were off and running . We began splashing , chasing balls and meeting new friends while my foster 's helped set up the picnic . More dogs were arriving , more friends to meet . Molly and Emma arrived ; Brian and Jenny came down to the shore and began throwing balls in the water for us . Five dripping Golden 's ran back to check on our parents from time to time and see if it was " treat time " yet . Soon the ground was wet and slippery where they had set their chairs . People were soon slipping on the mud . When we spotted a hot human , we would run out of the water , greet them , then shake hard and cool them down . Several Greyhounds came by , they would not run into the water with us , but we had fun running up and down the beach with them , they sure can run and turn fast . At 12 Noon all of the Golden 's were lined up on the shore , the great ball toss was about to begin . It took a long time ; several of the dogs did not understand the rules and ran into the water early . The balls were thrown and the dogs were released . Everyone charged into the water , if we brought back one of the special balls with numbers on it we would get a prize . Buckley , Bella , Emma , Molly and I ran into the water until it was up to our shoulders . Then we waited while the energetic dogs swam way out and brought the balls closer to shore . Our plan was working ; we ended up with lots of prizes , pretty green tennis balls . After the ball to0 It was concert in the park night again . We walked down the park path to the concert area , there were a lot of people there this time . We met two other Golden Retrievers there . Tom brought Theo and Reba . With four Golden 's in one group a lot of people stopped by to pet us and talk about their dogs . Many people told us about their dogs but they left their dogs at home . All that green grass with room for dogs to romp was wasted . We tried to make as many friends as we could . The concert was " Hot Tomatoes " which is a good group , it set our tails to thumping , Bella and I sat up and listened to the music . We enjoyed the walk down to the park and the walk home again after the concert was over . It is getting close to Golden Retriever Rescue Reunion picnic day ; boy is it going to be fun to play with all of our friends . I hope they have enough tennis balls to go around . My foster says I woke him up at 3 : 00 this morning ; I was thumping my tail on the floor again . I was having happy dreams . I was dreaming about 200 wet dog friends running after tennis balls . Mogley I finally convinced my foster parents that I did not like the Lamb and Rice formula puppy food I was getting . I kept stealing Bella 's Chicken and Rice adult food . When Bella and I had a spat about the food my foster parents finally realized what we were telling them . The best part of this is we all went to the dog food store . I tried to pick out some toys but my fosters said I had enough toys . I will show them , when I get home I will tear the old ones apart , then we can get new ones . I picked out some new food . I taught the person at the cash register that when Bella and I sit down , they are supposed to give us treats . The clerk learned very fast , I sat , I got treats from that register , then I tried the next register and they pulled me out of the store . Maybe this will help the next dog that comes to the store , The store manager gave me lots of petting and talked with my foster parents . Back home my foster 's cheated a little , they mixed some of the old yucky lamb and rice in with the good chicken . I ate a very large dinner anyway . I am getting excited about the Golden Retriever Rescue Reunion this Saturday . I volunteered to clean up any food than gets dropped on the floor . I want to help all I can . I wonder if I should take some copies of my blog with me , I could autograph them with a paw print and sell them for the rescue . I will dream of people dropping food for me to clean up . Mogley The picture to the right shows Bella and I as we try to get a ball in the pool . Today was a fun day , five of the neighbor kids came to go swimming . They ran and jumped in the pool , I ran with them and chased the tennis balls they threw for me . They tried hard to lure me into the pool , but they could not get me in . I did get in to the second step twice . I finally leaned over too far and fell all the way in . I turned and swam very fast to the steps where I climbed out . . Chasing the balls is fun and the kids are fun to play with , they wore Bella and I out , we took a nap as soon as they left . After dinner some people came by and my foster dad set up to do some recording . When they would start the recording I would run to the front door and bark . They would start over and I would wait for them , then I would run and bark . They finally closed the doors and locked me in where I could not see anything to bark at . I think a record with a dog as a background accompaniment would be a big seller . They still have not done anything about those pesky cats . The cats still think they own the house ; they strut around and act like they are the kings . I wonder if Golden Retriever Rescue has room for a couple of cats ? I would be glad to donate two of them to help entertain my friends in the kennels . That night I dreamed about all of my dog friends playing together . Mogley This morning I received an e - mail from Mary at Golden Retriever Rescue telling me about all of the dogs that are still in the kennel because they do not have homes of their own . She told me that 243 Golden Retrievers had come to the rescue so far this year . There are still over 35 of us looking for forever homes . I remember last night at the concert in the park , how many people did not have dogs to pet so they came over to pet me . Several people told me about their dog , but they left their dog at home when there was all this grass to run on and people to play with . They brought their lawn chairs , their picnic baskets and their wine , but they did not bring their dog . It 's very sad . My foster tells people that I am available for adoption and tells people to visit the web site , but I know he does not want to get rid of me , he is just trying to help . I know if I get a forever - home that another dog in a kennel will get my place in the foster home so that makes me feel better . I did not like being locked up in the chain link run at the kennels . It was no fun to just run back and forth and bark at the dogs on each side of me . Anything I can do to help get one more dog out of the pen is a good deed for me . Do you know anyone that needs unconditional love ? That is what Golden Retrievers can give you . Today I thought my foster dad was going mad . He kept pointing at Bella and I and counting " one , two … one , two … " then he looked in all the closets , under the tables , and behind the couch . He said he was trying to find the other 18 dogs that he was sure were in the house , there were enough dog toys on the floor for at least 20 dogs . When someone rings the door bell there may be 30 or 40 dogs barking at the front door . " Where do they all hide when I get to the door " he asked ? My foster does not understand why I am named " Mogley " , he thinks I should have been named " Wags " or " Thumper " . He says he can tell where I am in the house just by listening to the sound of my tail hitting the wall or the floor , my tai0 I knew something special was going on . It was only 5 : 30 and my foster parents were giving us our dinner already . My foster dad had put on his walking shoes , that means we get to go for a walk . This time he had stuff in a bag he was carrying , even putting in some doggie toys and treats . We turned down the path towards the recreational center which is where they had the concert last week . Sure enough , there were lots of people coming down the path , cars parking along the street and a band tuning up on the bandstand . Oh , boy ! Children everywhere and they stopped to pet me . Most of them are polite and careful , they ask if they can pet me . By then it is usually too late , I have already pulled to them to get in the first lick . This time we had several other dogs in the area , we got to sniff and exchange scents to get acquainted . I showed off again , people love to watch Bella and I drink out of the water bottle . My foster holds it up and we lick the end while he squeezes it gently . Everyone points and says how cute it is . We walked around and talked to people . A city councilman had his dog with him and we got acquainted . One lady with a nice little boy listened intently while my foster explained how I was a foster dog and that I was up for adoption but that I had some kind of condition . Later the lady came up and talked with us . She is a veterinarian assistant at the Alameda Clinic . She was very interested in my condition , whatever that is . She says she is going to read my blog and then talk to Mary about keeping me . Her dog is currently going through Chemo , sounds bad to me . She was happy that I was cat friendly , she has a cat . She jogs past my back yard every day on the park path ; she is probably one of the people I bark at in the morning . She seems like a very nice person . She is going to come visit me soon . I think I will dream of playing with the children on the grass in the park . Mogley Today was fun , we went down to Cherry Creek park and Bella and I ran in the water . I had fun running in and out of the shallow water . This is a lot more fun that a pool . Bella wanted to chase the ducks but they were way out in the lake . Wading out in the sand is much easier than jumping down the steep steps in the pool . There were boats in the lake and people fishing . We went as far out in the lake as our leashes would allow . We got very wet and very muddy . After we came home we got our feet washed before we were allowed into the house . Today I taught my foster parents a new trick . I taught them to scratch my tummy when I roll over on my back . They are kind of slow to learn , I had to roll over several times before they caught on . I will have to repeat it tomorrow to reinforce it . I learned that the Golden Retriever Rescue Reunion picnic is coming up soon . I am excited to get to see my old friends again . They will be astonished at how much I have grown . It is going to be at Chatfield lake so I will get to run in the water again . Later we went to the dog food store , I got treats from all the workers at the store . I got to pick out a couple of toys and some new food . I like the chicken flavor a lot better than the Lamb flavor . Lots of people got to pet me , so I think I did my good deed for the day . The people at the store would have had to go to bed without petting a Golden Retriever . Then we went to the Vet 's . We had to get Bella her annual shots . The Vet sells squeaky balls . I wore one out before we left the office , then we bought four more balls to take home . I stepped up on the scales , I now weigh 56 pounds . Bella weighs 76 pounds , no wonder she is so good at tug of war . I think I will dream of splashing in the lake . Mogley Friday and Saturday were such boring days that I did not even write a blog for the day . Sunday was a great day , Buckley came by to play . Then my foster parents decided to teach me to swim . Buckley is a brave dog , he goes in the pool at every opportunity . He wades in , lays down on the steps and just sits there with the water almost covering him . I tried going down a step or two and it was all right , but the deep water in the pool is still strange stuff . Bella agrees with me , she wades in on the first or second step but that is all . Our human gave us lessons on how to swim and we watched closely . Next time we will get in all the way . When we were done in the pool , we all got a bath to rinse the chlorine off . Then we were dried and combed . As soon as we were done we found some dirt in the garden to roll in , we had to restore that dog cache . Everything was going well until it was time for Buckley to go home . Just before Mike came to pick him up , Buckley was running along the edge of the pool and fell in , at least he says he fell in , I think he jumped in on purpose . When he came out , he was wet again . My fosters hurried to dry him off , but he was still dripping when he got into Mike 's car . That night I had dreams of chasing ducks in the pond . Mogley My foster dad said that if a Retriever can 't fetch then you have a defective Retriever . He went out in the back yard and threw a ball which Bella ( my ugly step - sister / golden ) promptly brought back . Then he gave Bella a treat , but he did not give me one . He threw the ball again ; Bella went running after it and came back for a treat . By the third throw I began to understand the game , I went running after it , but Bella beat me , she got a treat again and I got nothing . This time I was ready , he threw it and I beat Bella to the ball . When I brought it back to him he gave me the treat . Then he threw two balls at once and we each got a treat . I wonder how Bella taught him that trick ? It sure is a fun game ; I think we should do it again . Later we went to the dog treat bank . They have this window that you can drive up to , send a piece of paper in to the person , then the person inside sends a treat out for Bella and I . They sent some kind of green paper out to my foster dad , he seemed to think they were a treat as well . The treat dispensing bank is great fun . Back home my foster mom decided it was time I had my teeth brushed . Since this is the first time , I spent lots of time chewing on the tooth brush . After a while I let her put more of that good tasting stuff in my mouth . I guess I will let her do it again if she wants to . After an early dinner , we went for a walk . This time when we got to the park there were many other people there . My foster dad said it was something called a " concert in the park . " That is another way to say that lots of people will be there to pet puppys . We had chairs for the humans and lots of green grass for the dogs . On our daily walks I have trained my foster dad to hold a water bottle so the water drips out as I lap at it , when I got thirsty at the park I would drink from the bottle . People thought that was very cute and there was lots of oohing and ahhhing from the onlookers . There were several other dogs there , but none that got as much attention as I did . I got to play with lots of children a0 The morning started out normal , Bella and I had breakfast and then we played Tug - o - war for a while . Then I had to chew on several old toys to test them for strength . Some of Bella 's toys were not very strong and they came apart too easily to be a real challenge . The toy fox came apart after only a few minutes of trying . I had to find something that offered more of a challenge . Then it came to me . My mission in life is clear . Mary did not send me to live with my foster parents so that they could take care of me , Mary sent me so I could help Bella train them . Bella had let the humans in the house get soft and careless , they left shoes around , socks untended , papers on low tables . My task is to teach the humans how to live with dogs . Today I will begin reorganizing the house and the humans to be more " dog friendly " . The cats act like they own the place , I will take care of that as well . Dog training is what they need . Besides , my nose is almost healed after my last time playing with the cats . My humans were trimming trees this morning . I helped a lot , as soon as they cut off a branch , I would drag it out to the center of the lawn and broke off little pieces . That makes it easier for them to take it to the trash . When a human came back from the store , I helped them with the groceries . They left a bright red ball on the counter and went back to get more things . They sure got upset when I took the ball and played with it , they called it a " no - no " but it looked and tasted like a tomato to me . I ate the whole thing ! Late in the afternoon they came out to feed the fish in the pond . That food sure smelled good . When they threw a handful of it out in the water , I went after it . Boy , that water is deeper than I thought but I learned how to swim real quickly . I did not get any food , but I sure did teach those koi a lesson . After my swim my human decided to give me a quick bath , he said I smelled like fish . It was 90 degrees so I dried off very fast . That 's all for today , Have puppy dreams . Mogley The morning started off real well . Bella and I had a good tug - o - war game with a stuffed squirrel toy . She won , she got the biggest part , I only got the tail . My foster is trying to figure out how to sew the tail back on . It was a good squirrel , but not strong enough for us . We then played with a tug toy , it held up a lot better and we worked it pretty hard . Buckley came by after breakfast , Mike was going to Colorado Springs and did not want to leave Buckley in a hot car . We had a good time running and romping in the yard . Buckley is fun to watch when he goes through the dog door , it is too small for him so he has to squeeze through it . First he puts his head through , then he reaches in with his paws and grabs the carpet to pull himself through , then he lays down on the carpet and pulls his back legs through . It does not slow him down much , he still comes and goes constantly . Buckley bragged that he got to lay on the " Great Seal " on the carpet in the capital . Big deal , I got to tear up a throw rug ! Our foster mom put some dog treats inside of a ball and let us roll it around until the treats fell out . I got the last one after the two big dogs gave up on it . After some three - way wrestling , we all took a nap . Tommy dropped off a toy floating Golden Retriever with a stick in its mouth . He dropped it into the pool and then asked my foster if he was short a dog , then pointed into the pool . My foster dad looked around to count dogs just to be sure . It looks just like a swimming Golden . Funny . They named it Pool , the Golden Retriever . I hope your dreams are running in tall grass that tickles your tummy . Mogley 0 Last night I learned that what Mary used to call a bed has many different names . At 10 : 00 when I jumped up on it , my foster called it a " no " . Later around midnight when I jumped up again he called it a " NO " . A couple hours later when I tried to follow the white cat up on the bed they called it a " GET OFF " . The cat gets special privileges , no one yells at him when he gets on the bed . His purring keeps everyone awake ; I was just getting to sleep when he woke me up . I am going to file a complaint with Golden Retriever Rescue . Today was a great day . I started off by tearing up a plant in the front glass porch . It was fun ; I only did it because one of my parents went to exercise class without taking me along . I sat and looked as pitiful as I could , they still drove off without me . The other foster ignored me and spent the morning on the phone . Bella just watched me from her spot on the couch ; she did not help at all . The cats eat the air - plant leaves , I was getting even with the cats for that mark on my nose . My parents walked in , saw the plant and called it an " Oh , no ! " I found a rubber chicken in the toy box . Bella and I played tug - o - war for almost two hours before the chicken broke . They don 't make rubber chickens like they used to , at least that 's what my foster parents said . Now we have two tug - o - war toys . The picture shows ½ of the chicken . As they used to say in the kennels , " Tough Chicken " ! Tommy Tigert came by , he brought three dogs to visit , an older Golden named Theo , a young Golden puppy ( 6 months ) named Reba and a pesky little Pomeranian . Reba is a very dark red color and her full name is Reba McinTigert . We had a good time running , chasing and rolling in the yard . I can hold more toys in my mouth than anyone else ; Theo gets grumpy when I steal one of her toys . The squirrels were busy in the trees ; we all chased them from tree to tree and down the fence . We got to bark at dogs who were walking in the park . Theo says that her person , Tommy , travels a lot so she spends a lot of time a0 On Sunday morning the human 's daughter brought over two older Goldens to play , Emma and Molly . I guess that makes them my aunts . Molly is an alumnus of the Golden Rescue , she is a little jealous of other dogs but she welcomed me warmly , she is the best squirrel chaser of them all . She can almost climb a tree . She spends her time at my place chasing the squirrels from tree to tree . I hope she does not wear the squirrels out ; I want them in good condition so I can chase them too . Buckley came by to play . Buckley , Bella and I had a great time with three way mouth wrestling . With five Goldens to play with , it was just like Mary 's place . One of us ( I won 't say who ) got some of the cat toys down from a high shelf and we tore them all up . What fun we all had ! My foster parents say that I have more energy than three dogs . They said if I was sick , there was certainly no sign of it . They especially like my propeller tail . Most of the time my tail wags from side to side , but when I really get excited my tail goes all the way around , like a propeller . Today I had squirrels to chase , four friends to help chase them , cats to worry , koi to terrorize , a big yard to run in , my tail was going constantly . Late in the afternoon Mike came by to pick up Buckley , Mike likes to roll on the floor with us and we get to lick him till he laughs . With three dogs licking him all at once we kept him laughing for a long time . I may like this house after all . That 's all the blog for today . I think I will take a nap and dream of playing with my friends . Mogley |
I yawned and stretched out on the bed . I winced as a headache came over me . The after effects of alcohol . I blinked a couple of times and looked around the room . I got up and got dressed , ignoring the pain in my hangover . As I left I gamed my hands into the pockets of my jeans . I felt something cool and oddly shaped , when I pulled it out I saw it was a dog tag . First off , this is dated to world war two . Second , that 's the name of Kat 's dad , and I know this is his old dog tag because it has the notch on the side of it . And third , and the most important , Why the hell do I have it ? It was still early when I got in so I stayed quite . Stacey and Marry Sue did laundry last night so I had clean cloths in the living room . I grabbed some and took a cold shower . I still felt his touch lingering on my skin as the cool water cascaded over me . I was still longing for him to be holding me now . Damn it , Two - bit ! What the hell did you do to me ! ? I got out and got dressed . I wasn 't really hungry so I just brought my cloths up to my room . I had good timing too . Just as I closed my door , the front door was slammed open and my name was being called . So I called I was upstairs back . The gang knew that stairs hated me . So , he let me come down at my own pace . Once both my feet were on the floor of the hallway between the bathroom and the hall closet , he grabbed my wrist again and pulled me out of the house . I caught it and when I looked at it . My jaw almost dropped . How did he …… . oh . He just tossed me my daddy 's dog tag from way back when . I just realized it was missing . I remembered he took it off and stuck it in his back pocket last night . " We met up at the party last night , after I finished some shots . We were messing around like always , and I guess you took it . Thank 's for hanging onto it . " I told him , " Now , what was it that made Steve here come bursting in my house and drag me over here for ? " We all stopped . Two - bit NEVER went for a girl who wasn 't a blond . Ever . And now he banged a girl with black hair at one of Buck 's parties . Even when he was completely wasted he could tell the difference . At the same time I couldn 't complain about last night . " It 's true when a guy tell 's a girl he loves her , in our neighbourhood anyway , their just trying to get her to sleep with him . However there are just a few exceptions to that . But when a guy tells his friends that he loves or is in love with a girl . He means it . Kat , it 's extremely rare that a guy will tell his friends he 's in love and then not mean it . " Darry explained . I shivered as I reached in the fridge remembering . My first boyfriend was Tim Shepard . imagine how that when . It was during the time that Soda was dating Sandy . I tried to tell him that she was cheating on him , but he wouldn 't believe me . We got in this big fight over him trusting a girl over me . In my after best friend break up fury I got together with Tim . He was actually a pretty decent boyfriend . He knew how I felt about physical stuff and all that so he took it slow . I narrowed my eyes a little . Did he remember it was me ? Or was he just remembering in general ? Either way I didn 't like where this was going . The guys let out cat calls about it . I shivered remembering the feeling on my collar - bone where I took the bullet for Dally a few years ago . I did love the way he did that . I was finally back at bunker hill . Man did I love this place . I unloaded my stuff and said good bye to my mama and daddy . I loved them to no end , but I was really glad to be back . The only reason why I left was because I had too . I laughed lightly and began , " Well , when I first got home my ma had a talk with me about woman things I should be aware of and stuff . " They nodded politely even though non of them were interested in it , " Then my daddy took me out fishing that weekend . I caught a lot more fish then he did one was this big . " I extended my arms a little wider than my shoulders , they seemed sorta impressed , " We also went camping . It was me , my daddy , and a few of his old friends . One of them was a war veteran . I learned a lot about his experience in battle . It was really cool . " all of them looked really interested in that , " I went swimming a lot . And I went to the zoo . My daddy was doing a case for the owner so I spent the day looking at the animals as he took care of legal work . " " Hold on . " Brian interrupted , " I hear you say a lot about you ' daddy ' . But I thought you hated him , and what exactly does he do ? " " Oh . " It just dawned on me that I never told them , " Well see . I do hate my biological father . But I love my step - daddy . You 'll always know the difference with me because I 'll always call my step - dad daddy , and my biological father , father . You 'll also notice venom in my tone when I talk about my father . " They nodded , " As for occupation . My daddy is a lawyer . My father runs a company that makes him travel and get a bunch of different kinds of alcohol . I hate the guy . " " It was really fun actually . I got to hold a bunny and feed a tiger and help collect chicken eggs . " All of them ooh 'd , " I volunteered at the retirement home for a while with mama . I also got some target practice in . " " You actually went horse back riding ? " He exclaimed like he couldn 't believe it . He probably couldn 't . He tried to get me on a horse first year . It didn 't go so well . I was nervous to begin with . And he didn 't know that the horse was harder to handle . It kicked me off and I wound up in the hospital for about a week with a couple broken ribs . " Well , " I admitted , " It was a sweet pony , and I technically just sat on it and braided it 's main . But it still counts . Right ? " I giggled again . I knew he would . That was my whole point of doing it . I figured leave him words like that and think if ' absence makes the heart grow fonder ' is real . " I need to talk to him , and I 'll let you know if he is my boyfriend after . " I told him getting up unfazed by anything . I was always like that . They stared at me like I was crazy . I shrugged it off and started out . I caught Alex 's eye . His face read , ' if he does anything I want to know ' , and ' if he does anything I 'm going to kill him ' , and we can 't forget ' I can 't believe you like that guy . You can do so much better ' . Of course I just shrugged this off and went to look for him . I found Shawn on the basketball court making failed attempts at shots . The ball bounced my way . I picked it up and made a swish shot . Shawn turned around and saw me smiling at him . I looked at him like he was crazy , " I only left for one summer Shawn . Besides , I promised you I 'd be back . Didn 't I ? " He smiled at me too , then he leaned in and our lips barely touched each other . He did this a couple of times before he fully put his soft , yet slightly chapped lips on mine . It was perfect . I swear if I wasn 't already , that kiss made me numb . " No you don 't Shawn . " I told him , " What your feeling is an attraction and interest in me . There for having your brain stimulated to the illusion of love . You don 't love me , Shawn . Even if you do it 's not real . But , I have a strong attraction towards you . " " Why do you have to make things complicated . And more importantly , why do you say I don 't love you when I do ? " Shawn asked seeming to get mad . " All around me , Shawn . Ever since I was little , there was never any love . Only abuse . I figured that , that was what it was always like . There is no love , and even if there is then I have right to it . I don 't deserve it . All I am is a crazy girl with the loss of pain . What use am I to anyone ? What love does anyone hold for me ? Shawn , all your feeling is interest and attraction . Nothing more . " " I don 't care how you want to put it , Christina . " He said when we pulled away , " I don 't care if you can 't say it back to me . I love you , and because I love you I 'm going to show you love and make you see this isn 't just attraction and interest . I love you , Christina and I will always protect you from everything . So , I was wondering , would you want to be my girl friend ? " I looked at him for a second , then replied , " Only to see if you can really love me and show me what it is . But , yes , Shawn . I 'd love to be your girlfriend . " Posted on January 16 , 2013 by pir8chickk When we got off I walked home . Soda was still busy with some girls at the station so he said he 'd close up . Steve was going to see if Evie could come to the party tonight . No one usually bugged me if I was walking by myself on Saturday nights . But I didn 't want to take any chances so I walked fast . When I got in I said hi to everyone who was there and took a shower . I reeked of oil and grease . While me and my brothers didn 't mind the smell , the girls and kids said no . I respected that decision . I went up to my room and threw on fresh jeans , tight black tank top , black high tops , and a jean vest . I put my hair up like I usually did . I glanced at the clock and it read 8 : 07 . I shrugged . I went over to my windowsill and picked up some of the change that was there . It was something my mama taught me . If you keep your change on your windowsill then it will stay in your house . I think it was a witch lore or something . I wasn 't sure , but I did it because I liked how it looked . I shook my head , " He only asked us what we were doing tonight . That automatically translates to ' do you guys want to party ' . So we said yes , and I 'm heading to the Curtis house to meet up with them before we go over . " He sighed , " Kat . You know I trust you , and the gang . I would never doubt them . However , when you go over with some of them to Buck 's , yes I get concerned . I 'm afraid that some guy is going to get you drunk and seduce you . I know you can hold your liquor better than most guys . But still , I get nerves . It might be more than one guy . And what if Dally , Soda , Steve , or Two - bit can 't get to you in time ? What if one of those guys that did that to you are there and they want more . What then Kat ? " " I can hold my own . Buck knows to look out for me . I 'm sure the Shepard gang is going to be there too . And even if I do get drunk , fattest chance of that happening by the way , I 'll still be in right enough of mind to know what I 'm doing and what 's going on . " I told him . " I might see you later tonight , early in the morning , or in the morning . I haven 't decided yet . " I told him as I walked to the door ad shouted bye to everyone . " Oh come on guys . Like you don 't think that the ten extra minutes I took to get ready doesn 't make me look good . " I teased . I shrugged and we continued on . Steve knew I liked Evie . Hell , everyone did . She was the first girl that one of the gang brought home that I liked right off the bat . I couldn 't picture Steve with anyone else . See , it may be weird . But I have perfect girls already picked out for all the guys in my head . I know exactly what each of them want and need in a woman . And have everything set up for them . That 's why I ask the questionnaire thing to every girl they introduce me to as their girlfriends . It 's just up to them to find her . I just don 't know their names . When we got there Two - bit and Steve imedientlly when to get a drink , Soda got swarmed with and started flirting with girls , I lost Dally somewhere in the crowd . I shrugged it off . I was left by my lonesome a lot at these parties . I always found something that can keep me entertained for a while . I nodded . It was fair enough . I won that game by a land slide . And he wanted to keep going and going and going . And I kept winning and winning and winning . Before you knew it I think I cleared almost two hundred dollars from the guy . I found out the guys name . It was Bill . Bill the Bicker . I thought it fit . Anyway , we knocked down all twenty shots . He was drunk . I wasn 't feeling anywhere close to a buzz . Bill called to have the shots refilled . So we went for round two . We knocked down about ten shots before he fell over on his chair . I smirked and finished both of our shots . I just hated to see good tequila go to waste . When I finished the remainder , I turned to one of his buddies and told him to pony up the money . He slapped two hundred down in my palm and helped another of his buddies carry Bill out of the place . I walked over to the bar and got a drink . I figured since I was already on the verge of being buzzed , I may as well get there . We kept talking as best we could with Two - bit slurring every word with the next . We had a few more beers and had a good time though . Then he dragged me out on to the dance floor . We started dancing normally . Then he brought us closer together . Then he made us dance really close . I was shutting off all my logic at that moment because I didn 't want to hear it nagging . At his will he made us start dancing dirty like . Then he made me full on grind into him . I could feel him getting hard through both our jeans . I didn 't care . I was in heaven . If this hadn 't became apparent yet . My crush is Two - bit Matthews . I think I may love him , but I will not admit to it . In my eyes love is for everyone other than me . I simply stared at him for a minute trying to figure out what to say . Did I love him enough to say it back ? Did I love him at all ? The I remembered . No matter what I said , he wouldn 't remember what I said in the morning . I still couldn 't find my voice so I did the next best thing . I grabbed either side of his face and leaned up . Bringing us together in a fire - y , passionate , and loving kiss . I didn 't want it to end , but we had to breath . He was smiling as big as the sun , and he out shone it right then . I 'm pretty sure I was the same . He pulled me towards the stairs and I knew exactly what was going on and what he wanted to do . I didn 't care . I wanted him . And if I was never to get any one true love . Then let me lust off the one guy I really like for one night . God please forgive me for my sins . We both knew this was bound to happen one day . And if not tomorrow or later today , or whatever time it is . I will pay my respects and ask for your forgiveness about this through father Cromin ( the priest at the church I spent the first three years of my life at and will only ever confess and ask for forgiveness there ) . It was a night I will always remember . But I wish I might be able to forget it . Then that way , when I see him with a girl I wouldn 't be jealous . Posted on January 10 , 2013 by pir8chickk I was sitting on the couch at the Curtis house . It was a normal day now . I was sitting next to Pony who was reading , Soda and Two - bit were rolling on the floor wrestling . I was staring between the t . v . and them yearningly . I wanted so bad to be there showing them who was boss in this neighbourhood . I was able to walk around on my own again , but they guys and my brothers wouldn 't let me do much . I still had to take it as easy as I could for a couple more months though . And they guys were acting like I was now made of glass and they wouldn 't let anyone touch me . I flopped down on the couch coming in , and they freaked . I did this a million times , and a hell of a lot worse has happened to me . " Then I get the winner of that . " I said rolling my eyes . I knew exactly how this was going to end up . I just wanted then to know that I was pissed at the moment . " But what if I just need to stretch out a little and I 'll be good as new ? We can 't find that out staying here reading books and playing gin rumy . " I made the point . " You 're in a healing stage Kat ! " Two - bit yelled , " You can 't do anything reckless or else you could make it worse and you may not walk again ! The doctor said that you have to stay off your feet and rest as much as possible for the next month or so ! Why are you challenging it ? " " Why aren 't you ? " I demanded standing up , " I thought greasers always went against the law and did what they wanted when they wanted . Never really caring for anyone other than themselves and their friends . I thought you guys would be more than willing to go out and do something my brother 's and Darry would call the most reckless thing in the world . But no ! You guys are treating me like a little girl and acting like if I step the wrong way I 'm going to fall apart ! I haven 't yet . I 'm tougher than all of you together . Now stop acting like my guardians and start acting like my best friends . " I picked up my jacket from the back of the couch after that and left . I had given them a lot to think about . And knowing them , they 'd still be like that in the morning still letting my words sink into their thick sculls . I loved those guys , but boy were they dumb . I lit a cigarette as I walked . I needed something to help me blow off some steam . I didn 't see any Socs around yet so that was out of the question . Besides , I never went looking for trouble , it always found me and I dealt with it . I flopped down on my bed after slamming the door . I had to work tomorrow . That means I had to face Steve and Soda and their stupidity . I hated it when someone , I didn 't care who it was , looked down on me and treated me like I was a little girl instead of the greaser girl I am . I turned over and fell asleep when I finished my soda . When I woke up my clock read six am . It was usual for me to get up early . I got a pair of jeans , a tank top , my DX shirt , and shoes . I walked downstairs carefully so I wouldn 't wake the others . After my parents died , and we got to stay together . I took care of the house . I was always up at about six every morning . I had to shower ( before all the water was gone , you 'd think with it being older brothers you would still get some hot water . Nope ) , make breakfast , make lunches , I myself had to eat , then I had to run around and find all my stuff for school or work . It wasn 't easy . Well , it sorta is . With a photographic memory and OCD , yeah it 's pretty easy to keep track of things sometimes . With a few little kids running around the house , and I 'm out of it for most hours of the day . Yeah things get messed up . But most of the time the kids 'll put the things they moved in a pile in the living room so I can fix it without killing someone . They learned that the hard way . I had to teach them that the hard way . I punched a hole in the wall the first time everything was completely out of place . And , uh , let 's just say the picture by the fire place isn 't just for show . I made pancakes for everyone and had a bowl of cereal for myself . I never really enjoyed having a hot breakfast . And when I did it was eggs , toast , and bacon . Other than that cereal or chocolate cake from the Curtis ' . Don 't knock it ' till you try it . When I finished eating the house was just starting to wake up . Stacey ( Junior 's wife ) thanked me for making breakfast and the guy 's lunches . It was Saturday and it was only some of my brothers who had to work today . I walked over to the Curtis house . It was about seven right now so I knew someone would be up . Usual morning . I thought to myself as I looked around . Two - bit in front of the t . v . , Steve pigging out on cake , Darry looking for his keys ( I swear someone hides them everyday ) , Dally was standing in the corner smoking , Johnny and Pony were on the couch talking , and Soda was asking for a shirt and jeans . Nothing out of the ordinary , I guess . " It 's just , your always doing stuff that get 's you hurt for us . And we just worry that maybe , it 's us that 's slowly killing you without you knowing . " Two - bit finished . I rolled my eyes , " I except the apology . " I told them , " But I take these things because I want to . You guys are my second family and I 'd do anything for you . Your not slowly killing me . If anything your slowly saving me from wanting to join my parents . I think a few scars are the least I can do for you . " I sighed . Another party I was forced to go to , to keep the guys from doing something too stupid to remember in the morning . And another night I 'd have to try to get drunk as I watch him make out with and then lead a slut upstairs . I had a photographic memory . No matter how drunk I ever got I 'd still remember everything that happened in the morning after a minute or so . I love to drink but it 's not strong enough for me anymore . And yeah , you read it right . I like a guy . And it sucks because I promised I 'd never fall in love . But I doubt I could , he doesn 't see anything in me other than a friend . I have to accept it . Posted on January 9 , 2013 by pir8chickk It 's been a year since I realized I loved Christina . I was in my second here at the academy . It was about the summer time . I was staying for the summer training session . I knew Dwyer , Brian , West , and all the others were . I was still wondering about Christina . I asked her and she said she wasn 't sure yet . The only time she wasn 't here for anything was during Christmas break last year . She 's always been here . Then again , I 've only known her for about two years . After she was healed and everything from her father we got to sit down with her and ask her about it . She said that was the reason why she couldn 't have too many friends . She didn 't want her father to hurt them . She 's actually really sweet , get to know her . She 's just still got this mysteriuse air to her . I think now all the guys in our year are crushing on her . And not just because she beat Martin Lax in chess ten times . And Lax is the best chess player Bunker Hills has seen . Course she did get a hit when he didn 't win one of them . Christina didn 't even look fazed when he did that . I asked and she said it didn 't hurt . He father smacked her harder then that . It was one of those days I didn 't have anything better to do , so I figured I hang out with Christina . She always had something to do . I knocked on her door before Brian opened it . He closed the door behind me . I understood why he and all the rest of our friends were there . Christina was packing her things . We had the graduates dance tonight . and then tomorrow we would leave for summer recess if we wanted to . " I need to get away for a little while . " She told me , " It 's just getting a little too hard to deal with all the time . I figure one summer at home couldn 't hurt . Right ? " " Your just using and excuse to leave and go in another direction . " I told her fuming , " We get all excited for you coming back , and you never do . What then , Christina ? What then ? " " Shawn , I love it here . Why would you think I 'm not coming back . It 's like a second home to me . " She said calmly . I heard Christina sigh , " Shawn , I 'm coming back . I promise you that . And I never go back on my promises . I 'll be back at the end of the summer . I just want to go home for a while . " " I was going to try and introduce you guys to them . I know they 'd love you , and I 'm pretty sure your going to love them . " She said . " And your nothing more than a slutty bitch ! " I didn 't know why I just said that , but I was glad with what she did next . I more than deserved it . She lunged forward and tackled me to the floor sending both of us flying into the hall . It was opened by an older cadet . We were rolling around throwing punches and bashing each other into the wall . For someone who was so small she was strong . She threw me into a wall with her bare hands and started pounding me like there was no tomorrow . I finally got the high ground and had he pined under me . " Why the hell do you want to leave anyway ? I thought you said this was your home ? " I had to yell because a bunch of guys had gathered around to see what was going on . Everything stopped . The cheering went silent . My heart was still . Everyone was staring at me with wide eyes . I didn 't really pay attention to any of the spectators or anything . My focus was Christina . Her green eyes were wide . Shock was clearly evident on her face . Her grip was loosening on my shirt collar from where she held . She opened her mouth a couple of times to say something , but nothing came out . It was just like she was looking for the right words to say . Come on . I thought . If your going to reject me and my feelings , or laugh in my face , or nicely turn me down then do it now . Now while it wont hurt as much . A couple seconds after I had this thought , her hands loosened completely from my shirt . She had a small sweet smile on her face . Her eyes were happy . And even though her hair was a mess , and she had a couple of bruises and a little blood on her face , she was beautiful . I stood there a good few minutes trying to figure out what had just happened . I wasn 't alone in that either . Why ? You maybe asking , because when I finally came to grips with what just happened , me and every other guy who was still there trying to figure it out ( which was everyone ) what Christina had just said and meant , there were about forty or so people who joined me in a " What ? " At the same time . I was glad I wasn 't the only one who was lost . Girls were impossible to figure out . And Christina was the most impossible to figure out out of them all . Posted on January 8 , 2013 by pir8chickk I stepped out of the car with the help of two of my older brothers and leaned on Junior as pepperoni got my crutches out . I was able - bodied enough to come home , but I still had to be on crutches for a while . The worst part is I 'd have to rely on everyone for at least two months . I was always independent , so this was going to be hell for me . especially because my house was a few stories high , because that 's what my mama wanted when my daddy built it , and I was on the top floor . Junior was the spitting image of my father in every way . pepperoni had my ma 's black hair and green eyes , but his height was entirely from my daddy . Jaguar looked the exact same , everyone had to look twice to make sure they got it right . That was until pepperoni cut his hair . There was even a banner that read ' Welcome Home Kat ' . And everyone was there . The gang , the Shepards , the Brumlies , my brothers , even Evie and Christin . When the party withered down it turned out to just be me , my brothers , the gang , Evie , and Christine . Christine was lying with her head in my lap , Evie was practically asleep on my shoulder . Even though it may not seem like it at first glance ; a tough looking girl in jeans , a slutty greaser girl , and a young girl dressed appropriately , all three of us got on real good . As close as the sisters we never had . I shook my head , " It 's kinda weird to explain . " I told her , " It 's like , hmm , w - when you scold your tongue on hot tea or hot chocolate or something . You know how it hurts , and then it 's sorta numb for a while ? " She nodded , " It 's sorta like that , but a lot hotter . And instead of feeling numb , your skin , you can feel it like bubble . Pain shoots through you , it 's almost disorienting . Then air gets to it , and it hurts a little . It 's weird like that . " I gave him a look that clearly stated ' what ? ' . And he gave me a look that said , ' you know exactly what ' . I just gave him a confused look that mostly said , ' you don 't think I can do it ? ' ( the good thing about having a pair is that you can make faces at them that everyone else would think to be weird and you two would understand it perfectly . So if we don 't feel like talking about something in front of my other brothers or the guys with out using another language , we use faces ( I didn 't tell you yet , did I ? My parents are from a bunch of different ethnicity , so they had us learn their languages . My ma said they would come in handy some day . We know English , French , Spanish , and Japanese . My mama wanted us to learn Japanese from her distant blood lines ) . ) . He just shook his head . " You need to let you body heal itself , honey . " He told me , " Your not invincible . You may think it because of what you 've gone through . But you need to rest , Kat . You can 't just keep going on like this . " I shrugged . I knew I wasn 't invincible . I knew I had to slow down eventually . I knew there will be something out there that I try , and it could very well kill me . I knew one day I was going to die , probably of my recklessness . But I also knew I was too stubborn to admit it . I stared at her from across the class room . She was the only girl in the entire school . Her rich daddy pulled a few strings so she could come here and become a solder . I was curious about her . But she was always hanging out with that Dwyer . I couldn 't stand him and he felt the same way . Worst part was we were roomies along with Brian Moreland and Edward West . What I wouldn 't give to know a little more about that girl other then her name . It was beautiful too . Christina Waywater . She had beautiful dark brown hair , green eyes , she was sorta small too , but from what I heard she 's brilliant . I think she pushes herself more than anyone else in this school . I know the teachers cut her a couple of points because they don 't her . Class and school was finally over . I headed straight to the library on campus because we had a test coming up and I didn 't want to flunk . My dad would not be happy in the least . " Because I know you , Chrisa . I know the kind of people that you 'll feel comfortable enough with to play dungeons and dragons with . They 're all good guys . Well , except for Shawn , but he doesn 't have to play . All the guys really wanted to have this game with you . " He said . " Lire . " She told him , " All the guys hate me . They want nothing more than for me to leave and go to some girly boarding school and learn how to be a lady . Alex , they chew me out and push me around . I don 't want to play . " " Come on , Christina . " He was begging , " I 'm trying to give you a chance to change that fact and get a couple more friends . I talked my room mates and their other friends into letting you come over to our room to play . Now can you please do your best friend a favor and say yes ? " " Nothing directly . " He told me as we headed to out room , " She 's just so cold , never talks to anyone , and one time me and a couple other of us asked her to play basket ball with them . She didn 't even reply . She stood up , shook her head , and walked away with out saying anything . " He nodded . We turned into our room . The guys were setting things up . The game , some snacks , and a few chairs . " Hey . " They called continuing with what they were doing . When we were fully set up there was a quiet knock at the door . Alex practicly jumped up and ran over to answer it . Dork , I thought . He was sitting furthest away from the door . He moved aside and let , Christina in . She didn 't have on her over coat , non of us did . Her hair was in a pony - tail instead of the usual bun . " I brought chips . " She almost whispered . We started the game and it turns out , Christina was winning . She was really good at it . by the end of it she won , non of were happy about that . But we all got along pretty well through it . I learned a bit about her too , she didn 't really tell very much about herself . Her voice came out calm and strong , " I took a big risk with , Alex . " She began , " If I get to close to some one , especially more than one , I don 't want to be responsible for when they get hurt and it 's my fault . I don 't want that to happen . " We kept staring at her like she was insane . Then again , she did have to go to counselor regularly . According to the higher up cadets , she 's mentally ill . She just never shows it . " Thank you for inviting me over for the game . " She said sounding almost sweet , " I had fun . Maybe we could get together and do it again sometime . Now if you wouldn 't mind excusing me . " She left quietly . As she shut the door something dawned on me . I 've only really talked to this girl a handful of times , most of it was to ask her to pass the salt or something . One game of D and D , a few snacks , and a little small talk during the game : I 'm in love with her . It was a few days after the D and D game . Saturday to be exact . We were a loud off campus every weekend so long as we represented our school with respect . Alex was going to hang out with Christina , he said we could join if we wanted . Christina wouldn 't mind . Naturally I wanted to go . But not if it were just me , Alex , and Christina . For a few reasons . 1 : It would show that even though I hate Alex , I want to get close to his friend . 2 : It shows I have nothing better to do . Thankfully Brian and West wanted to spend a little more time with Christina too . But , on the morning of the day we were going to go out a really big and expensive car pulled into the school . We were all curious so we went to see . The man that came out was fat and well dressed . He had a woman with him who was dressed completely in appropriately . She was showing off everything . And I think she was only about half his age . He went to General Bache 's office . When he came back , the General was with them leading them to one of the cadet 's rooms . I figured it was one of the other 's parents . He stopped at Christina 's door and knocked . He was a gentle man after all , he respected a woman 's privacy . She opened the door and let them in . I didn 't know what was going on so I just waited . The general , the man , and the slut all came out of the room and down the stairs . All of us went back to our rooms as an order form the general . Something slipped under our door as we were playing cards and a soft knock . Alex got to it . I 'm sorry , but I can 't come today . My ' father ' is here to take me out for and ' daddy - daughter day ' , as he calls them . I 'm really sorry . I was looking forward to spending time with you guys as a group again . It was so much fun the first time . I should have trusted you earlier about them . But I don 't think your right about Shawn . I 'll try and make it up to you some other time I promise . I really am so sorry . Please tell the others I can 't come today . " Okay . " I said to the room as they were staring at Alex , " She 's with her dad , so what ? We 'll hang out tomorrow or something . " " Her dad hates her ! That wasn 't ever her mom with him ! Do you have any idea what 's going to happen now that she 's out there with him ! ? " He hissed . " Christina is my best friend . We 've known each other since we were six . She trusts me with everything , she even said . I return the favor with her as well . I know this for a fact . Christina is going to go out with her father , and he 's going to smack her around like a rag doll . When he drops her back off , she 'll have bruises , cracked ribs , and possibly a limp and a black eye . She 's her daughter , yet he 's practically killing her . Why do you even care ? " " Well excuse me for thinking she 's worth while to have as a friend . And is there anything we can do about it ? " I asked mad at him . " Nothing we can ever do ! " He yelled starting to pace around the room , " Her father 's loaded and has a lot of power . We could say what ever we want about him , he 'll deny it and we 'll look like we 've lost it ! Christina isn 't mentally ill ya ' know . Her father says she is so when she says what he did to her , he can claim the truth is that she didn 't take her medication and fell . The only thing that shows any sign of being disturbed with her is her drawings . But there actually really cool . Her father can do whatever he want 's with her and no one can do anything about it . Her mom 's still fighting to keep her full time . I only new her because when her parents got the divorce her mom moved into the house next mine . Every summer she 'd be there and every Christmas break because her father wouldn 't want her to come vacationing with them . Bastard makes me sick . " We all went out figuring that it would be the best way to kill time . Dwyer picked up some fresh razz berries . I don 't know why . I was still worried about Christina . We came back about twenty minutes before curfew . Being early is on time , being on time is late , and being late is never acceptable . It was an hour past curfew when the same car from earlier came back up . Dwyer rushed out of the room . Christina stumbled out and headed towards the door . When the rest of us got to the foray . Dwyer was helping her up the stairs . Her head was down , her hair cascaded down hiding her face . She was limping . And I was pretty sure I was a couple bruises . She faced him . He moved the hair from her face gently . He was right again , the right side of her face was pretty much purple . From her temple to below her cheek bone anyway . " I swear to God I 'm going to kill him one of these days . " Dwyer hissed and started checking other places . " It 's okay , Alex . Really . " She told him when he was trying to clean a small cut on her fore arm , " It 's not that bad . " " I 'll be fine . Why don 't you go get some sleep ? " She told him , even though it was painfully obvious that she was about to crash . " Hey , honey . " Dwyer said softly to the hurt girl , " Guess what I got for you today . Razz berries honey . I thought they 'd make you feel better . " She nodded . We left . All the night I couldn 't help but think about what was going on with that girl . Was she really only portrayed as crazy by an abusive father ? Was she just scared about close to anyone with fear of her dad hurting them ? Why did he pull all those strings just so she could come here then ? And what did she mean when she said , ' I think your wrong about Shawn ' ? I didn 't get to answer any of these , I fell asleep . I nodded not believing her . I wanted to ask her a lot more , but I couldn 't find the words . Instead I just watched her limp out of the bathroom , up the stairs , and down the corridor until I couldn 't see her anymore . |
" Blitzen , c ' mon girl , wake up ! " said the woman 's voice . " You must have been dreaming about that rabbit again . Your legs were treading the air like crazy , " she laughed . " Let 's go , my beautiful greyhound , it 's time to go outside and go for a walk . " " Oh , shoot , Nora , I was having the best dream . " From her favorite sleeping position , lying on her back , the greyhound awoke and reluctantly rolled off the sofa . With her rump high above her muscular back legs and her tail wagging slightly , she stretched her front legs low along the floor and yawned , sticking out her long tongue and showing a mouthful of menacing looking canine teeth . " Okay , I 'll do my business , get a treat and then I 'm going back to sleep , " she thought . " I want to finish my dream . " She stood patiently at the door while her owner , Nora , covered her with a warm fleece dog wrap . The petite woman bent over and kissed Blitzen on her head , her brown curly hair framing her pretty face . Ever so gentle with a soft voice , Blitzen took to Nora as soon as she met her . Never in her short life of four years , living the rigorous and strenuous routine as a racer on a dog track in Florida , was Blitzen so pampered and fussed over . She loved all the attention received from her newly adopted family . " Stop mumbling and being so crabby , Gray ; Nora should have called you Mr . Crabs . Would you rather I do my business in your cat box ? " asked Blitzen . " I wish Nora would let me run loose around the neighborhood . I 'd show her my galloping stride . " Blitzen was kept on a leash for her own protection , never before free to roam around cars and traffic . Oh , but she loved to run ! " Tomorrow we 'll go to the dog park , Blitzen , but for now we 'll just go around the block , " said Nora , as if she read the dog 's mind . The sleek charcoal gray canine loved the park where she could meet other dogs and have some freedom to really run around . None of them could out run her , she made sure of that . In her younger days as a racer Blitzen 's professional track name was " Thigh High " . Lined up in automatic gates that shot open at the start of a race , she and other greyhounds sped around a track after an ever evasive rabbit , cheered on by noisy onlookers , holding onto their race cards and hoping she would win for them . However , during the last year of her track time , it was becoming more difficult for her to manage a good showing . She had reached her prime as a racer ; and while her owners had been kind to her , she was no longer useful to them and had to be retired . In August , 2009 , Blitzen was taken away from the track in her large wire dog crate by a rescue organization . She quietly endured hours of travelling until finally arriving at a far away destination . She was brought to a veterinarian for medical exams and other tests before being introduced to her new family , Bill and Nora Britton , who had been interviewed by the organization to make sure Thigh High would have a good home , which also included a daughter , Nancy , a cat , three reptiles , and four arachnids . Since the family had German heritage they decided to call her Blitzen , since " blitz " in German means " lightening " , an appropriate name for a former race dog . It took a few weeks for her to respond to her new owners . They treated her lovingly , petted her often , gave her good food and treats , and allowed her to sleep on the couch and several dog beds that were sewn by Nora just for her ; but the newness of her surroundings caused some trepidation , especially being around , of all creatures , a cat . She was lonesome at times , though , while the humans were working and at school . In a strange way , she missed her greyhound friends . Gradually they became accustomed to one another ; however , Blitzen would growl when Gray Cat suddenly disturbed her when she was trying to sleep . " What are you growling at me for ? " hissed Gray Cat . " I was here first , so let 's make the best of it , okay ? No one was more surprised than me , when you walked through the door . And all the attention you get , you are one spoiled dog . " Blitzen rested her head on her front paws , her big expressive brown eyes looking sad . " Sorry , Gray Cat , you woke me up from a deep sleep . At the track I was awakened by the sound of noisy trucks or doors opening and closing . " " Where are you from , anyway ? How come you don 't go upstairs at night ? You 'd love their huge bed . " said Gray Cat . " Don 't you know anything about greyhounds ? We 're race dogs . That 's all we know , " declared Blitzen . " Besides , I 've never had to go upstairs before . I 'm afraid I 'll lose my footing . " ' " It 's easy , silly . Watch me . " Gray Cat jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs . " C ' mon , try it , " he yelled from the top step . Blitzen unfolded her long legs and walked over to the bottom stair and looked up . " Where are you ? I can 't see you . " The last few steps curve to the landing and Gray Cat was out of sight . " Chicken lick ' n , " teased Gray Cat from the landing , who thought to himself , " now I know how to get some peace and quiet around here . " Even though Gray Cat liked his solitary days of napping in the sunlight that warmed his bed in the kitchen , he longed for companionship after losing his older cat buddy , Bungle , a year ago . He and Bungle also had been adopted by the Britton family and loved them very much . He missed his friend . He thought sadly , " Why didn 't they get another cat ? " The quiet residential neighborhood in which the Britton family lived was about twenty years old and the homes were mid - sized with nicely manicured yards , many fenced in to keep young children and pets safe . Blitzen and Gray Cat 's back yard was fenced in , except for the far side where a thick hedge of shrubs , prickly wild raspberries and roses hemmed in the animals . The rear door of the home had been reconfigured with a pet door to allow for the greyhound 's tall size as well as for Gray Cat . When the Brittons were home , they opened the inner kitchen door , which opened to a small mud room for the animals to have access to the outer door , and then they were free to go in and out . During the fall , large maple trees dropped many leaves , and the two animals acted like kids running and playing in the piles that Bill carefully raked . Eight year old Nancy sometimes threw a ball for Blitzen . The dog was a little awkward at first , but gradually learned to love her new toys . When she ran she looked like a small pony galloping around the yard . Early December brought colder weather and many frosty mornings which made the ground white and very cold . One day the two animals were outside and walking around the perimeter of the yard , Gray Cat following behind Blitzen . " How long are you going to stay outside , Blitz ? The ground is cold and hard for my delicate foot pads . " All of a sudden , Blitzen stopped just at the edge of a row of small rhododendron shrubs that Nora planted last summer . " What … what ? Do you hear something ? " Gray Cat asked anxiously , walking underneath the stomach of the tall canine and peeking out between Blitzens 's two front legs . " Shhh , someone is in the bushes . I 'm going to growl to see if that scares it away . " Blitzen took a serious stance : and raising her upper lip and baring her teeth , she uttered a deep growl , scaring Gray Cat who scooted out from underneath the dog and ducked behind her . A movement in the bushes and a soft whimpering made Blitzen woof . Bravely , she walked around the evergreen and issued another low growl . Gray Cat came around from the other side of the bush and sniffed at the brown dead grass closest to the pathetic sound they heard . Staring into the thick brush , Blitzen spied two sad eyes looking at her . " All right , come out of there , " she said . " We won 't hurt you . " As they waited , Gray Cat 's fur was standing up and fluffed out . Blitzen 's ears were raised on alert . From out of the thicket , a poor bedraggled pooch came into view . " I 'm sorry to intrude on you , but I 'm lost , hungry and it 's s - s - so cold , " said the dog , shivering . " I 've been hiding in here for three days . I 've seen you out in the yard and wanted to say something , but I was afraid . C - c - can you help me ? " " Oh , my goodness , you look like you 're starving , " said Blitzen . " Your legs are all scratched up . How did you get in this predicament , anyway ? You look like you 're ready to collapse . " " Oh , I don 't know about that , " said Gray Cat . " She may not like a strange dog in the house . Why don 't you save some of your treats , Blitz , and bring them outside for the dog , and you could drag out one of the blankets for him to sleep on ? " " Don 't you think that will look a bit weird , Gray Cat ? " said Blitzen . " What if it rains or snows ? Come on , we can only try . " And with that said , they escorted the wobbly slow - moving dog toward the house . " Sorry , Bounder , didn 't mean to hurt your feelings , " said Gray Cat . " What kind of dog are you , anyway ? You look like a mini Blitzen . " They reached the deck . " Okay , Gray , I 'm going to see where everyone is , " said Blitzen . " You and Bounder stay over there by the grill until I come back . " She disappeared through the opening in the door and Gray Cat and Bounder hid behind the grill . A minute later , Blitzen returned . " It 's all clear . Gray Cat , if you don 't mind , would you take Bounder down stairs and let him have some of your food and water until dinner time , and hide him in the storage area for now . I 'll save some of my food for later on . " Just as they were about to enter the house , the door opened and there stood Nora . " Well , guys , who 's your new friend ? Oh , my , he looks like he needs some help now , doesn 't he ? " She reached down to the scruffy dog to let the animal sniff her hand , and then she gently patted him on the head . The tan and black animal shifted its weight from one foot to the other and was noticeably shivering . " Let 's get you inside and I 'll find you a warm blanket and something to eat . " She held the door for all three animals and they went into the kitchen . Blitzen and Gray Cat stayed right beside Bounder indicating their concern for a fellow four - footed friend . Nora supplied a fresh bowl of water and a little dish of warm chicken . He ate hungrily and he looked for more , but Nora said , " You shouldn 't eat too much at once , puppy . Your stomach may reject it . " She wet a towel with warm water and wiped the dog 's face and along its bony sides and back , checking the scratches on his skinny legs and lifting each paw to look for cuts in the pads . " You poor pup , how long have you been on the loose ? Your family must miss you . " The dog licked her face as she knelt down beside him . " You will stay with us for the time being . You 'll have a nice bed and blanket to keep you warm . " Some time later , Blitzen was resting on the couch ; Gray Cat was asleep in his basket ; and Bounder was wrapped up in a blanket on one of the dog beds . He felt warm again and was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open . He looked up at Blitzen and said , " I don 't know how to thank you . I would have died out there , if you hadn 't come along . " He whimpered a little . The rest of the family welcomed their new canine friend . Bill said he would put an ad in the local paper saying a dog was found with their telephone number . Nancy wrote out flyers with a digital picture of Bounder , and she and her mother tacked them up in stores and around the neighborhoods . Since he didn 't have a collar , there was no name tag . One week went by , and then the second week passed with no responses to the ad or the lost dog notices . Nancy was getting quite fond of the small pooch and asked if he could sleep with her . They all laughed as they watched him bound up the stairs . Now there were two bowls at meal times and more water drippings on the floor , but no one seem to object . Soon Bounder was looking better , his eyes brighter , and his ribs were not so noticeable . He followed Blitzen everywhere and would nestle with her on the couch where they slept everyday . It was Friday , a cold snowy day , and Blitzen and Bounder were sleeping peacefully on the sofa when Nora opened the door , ushering in cold wintry air that chilled the room . She was lugging a tall narrow box which she put upright in the middle of the floor . " Are you ready for Christmas ? Only a week to go ! " she said with a joyful smile on her face . " Christmas ? Now , what 's this all about ? " asked Blitzen , as Nora went back outside , only to return with two large plastic containers . The dogs just gazed at her with blank stares . " Pretend to look interested . This happens once a year , " said Gray Cat . " Everyone seems to go crazy , changing the room around , putting up a fake tree , lots of wrapped boxes tied with ribbon , and they all go to church and say Merry Christmas to one another . So get ready for lots of changes , " warned the cat . " Don 't be alarmed ! The good thing is we always get a big sock full of treats . " " I 'm not sure , " answered Gray Cat . " They bring home many boxes , wrap them up in bright paper , only to rip it all off on Christmas Day . Humans have strange habits , but it 's a blast jumping in the pile of crumpled up paper and playing with all the ribbons . I love to chew on the crinkly red ribbons , but then I gag and Nora takes them away . " " Nora does all this fancy cooking , " Gray Cat continued . " Lots of people come over with more fancy boxes , they visit for awhile , sing Christmas songs around the piano , then they leave . After the last party , on something called New Year 's Eve , the tree and decorations are put away and all is quiet again and back to normal . " " Just keep out of the way , " answered Gray Cat . " I usually find a place to hide and sleep down stairs . People will be sitting on the sofas so you two will have to go upstairs . " " I remember a big party like that at my other house , " said Bounder . " I got stepped on a lot , so I went outside and hid under the bushes . When my owner found me , she scolded me for being unsociable . " " Well , that 's better than being stepped on . If it wasn 't so cold out , we could go in the back yard , " said Blitzen . " Will there be many little people ? They make me nervous ' cause they get right in my face . " Gray Cat nodded . " Oh well , upstairs it is , then , " she sighed . Nora made a cup of tea and then began to move around the furniture . " Okay , now I can put the tree together , " she said . She had cleared a space in front of the windows and proceeded to erect the artificial tree . " I 'll wait for Nancy to come home from school and we 'll put on the lights and ornaments . What do you think ? " Blitzen and Bounder were resting on the sofa just watching Nora with bored expressions on their faces . " Aren 't trees supposed to be outside the house ? This one doesn 't even smell like a tree , " stated Blitzen . Gray Cat jumped onto the sofa and rubbed against Blitzen 's long nose . " Wag your tail a little . You 'll get used to it . Wait until you seethe tree with the lights on , " he said . By dinner time the tree decorating was finished . Bill placed a silver star on the top branch , then Nancy flicked the switch and they oohed and aahed as the tiny colored lights provided a special holiday ambiance to the room . Nora wrapped a few gifts with colorful paper and ribbons and placed them underneath the tree , just as Gray Cat said , and large socks bulging with small gifts hung on a faux fireplace . Nora , Bill and Nancy went out after dinner for the evening and the animals retreated upstairs to sleep uninterrupted on the comfortable queen size bed . All was very quiet and peaceful . It didn 't take long for Blitzen to get into a deep sleep , lying on her back with all four legs in the air . Gray Cat was asleep and dreaming on Nora 's pillow , his whiskers twitching , and Bounder was dozing on the bottom of the bed . Suddenly , Bounder 's ears tuned in to a strange noise coming from outside on the back deck . He quietly eased off the bed , tiptoed to the top of the stairs and listened . Strange clicking noises came from the mud room and then footsteps coming into the living room . A stranger was in the house , so the dog went down about six stairs so he could look through the balusters into the room . The soft glow of the Christmas lights revealed a thief gathering all the presents and stockings into a large sack . Bounder , sensing evil afoot , lowered his small head and uttered a low growl . Surprised , the stranger stood , tossed the sack over his shoulder , and dashed toward the kitchen . In a flash Bounder was down the stairs and raced right after him . Just as the robber was opening the door , the canine leaped up and caught the back pocket on his jeans tearing it off . " Ouch ! You blasted mutt ! " he yelled . Clutching his booty , he shut the door quickly to keep the animal inside . Bounder stood on his hind legs and rapped on the door with his front paws , growling and making strange muffled barks because of what was in his mouth . The sounds of the commotion woke up Blitzen and Gray Cat who hurried down the stairs . " What 's the matter , Bounder ? What 's all the noise about ? " asked Blitzen . " Hmmff ! ! Petouey ! ! " he spewed and the ripped pocket fell out of his mouth . " Someone was just here . He took the packages under the tree and the socks , " he answered excitedly . Gray Cat went back into the living room and sniffed around . Blitzen , also , her long nose to the floor , sniffed everywhere to try to get a scent . " Whoever it was smokes , " she said . " Can 't miss that stinky odor , and I think I smell grease or something like it . " " If they let us out , we 'll try to pick up a scent in the yard . Bounder , do you think you could lead us out through the back where you were hiding ? " asked Gray Cat . " Maybe we could follow him , unless he hopped over the fence . " " I can try , Gray Cat , " answered Bounder . " I suppose we should do what we can tonight , or the trail will get cold . I learned that from a bloodhound I knew once . " A noise at the front door caused them all to jerk suddenly and make a beeline for the living room , barking loudly , ready to pounce on whom ever it was . The family entered the room , put the lights on and noticed immediately that the cat and dogs were overly agitated . Then Nancy noticed that the presents weren 't under the tree . Blitzen and Bounder ran into the kitchen and barked excitedly until Bill came to shush them up , only to find the ripped pocket piece on the floor . The tall slender man yelled , " Nora , come see this . I think our intruder is missing a pocket . " Bounder woofed and wagged his tail excitedly and danced from one foot to the other as if to say , " I did it ! " Blitzen and Gray Cat stayed behind him . " Well , boy , I think we have you to thank for this , " said Bill , patting the small greyhound . " Dear , we must call the police , " said Nora coming into the kitchen . " Nancy is very upset . He took the present she made for you in school . Who would do such a thing ? " She was angry and tearfully upset now . " I 'll take the dogs out for a quick walk , won 't be long . " The policeman was sympathetic and took down all the details , as best the family could recall , with a list of the missing presents . He said there had been other robberies in the area , probably by the same person . Then he took his leave , taking the ripped pocket as evidence . It was about eleven o ' clock and the family double checked all the doors to make sure they were locked and bolted . Bill noticed that Gray Cat 's basket had been pushed under the table and pulled it out to its normal place . And in so doing , he saw a car key with a keyless remote attached . " Well , now , where did this come from ? I wonder if it belongs to the thief and it fell out of the ripped pocket . I 'll put it on the table and check on it tomorrow . " Putting out the light , he retired upstairs . Blitzen had been in the kitchen getting a drink of water and overheard his owner talking out loud . She walked over and sniffed at the key , since her head was high enough to rest her chin on the table . It had the same scent that was on the ripped swatch of material . Walking over to the sofa , she said , " Bounder , you get the bed tonight . You deserve it . " " Good night , Blitzen . Finally , some peace and quiet , " muttered Gray Cat , as he headed for the kitchen . " Just let me snuggle up in my basket and I 'm set for the night . " The large greyhound jumped onto the sofa and scratched at her blanket to puff it up and make it comfortable for the night . However , she kept thinking about the key and a plan to find the thief . She waited until all was quiet upstairs , and then tiptoed out to the kitchen . Blitzen took the key in her mouth and showed it to Gray Cat . She plopped it down on the cat 's belly . " Look what Bill found in your bed before he went upstairs . " " It 's just like Nora 's and I 've watched her as she clicks something on it and the car beeps . I bet we could go around the neighborhood and find our thief 's car , and then we find him . Don 't you think that 's a great idea ? " " Why wouldn 't he be around here ? He can 't go anywhere without the key , unless he has another one , " said the greyhound , getting antsy . " Well , you can stay here if you want , but I 'm going to try it . I just have to get the door unlocked . " Blitzen took the key and walked over to the inner door ; and having observed the humans turn the knob to unlock the door , she dropped the key and took hold of the knob in her mouth and tried to twist it . The metal knob became slippery from the saliva , but she gripped it tightly and slowly it turned until she heard a click . The door moved slightly and a small gray paw reached in and opened it up wider . The two animals were out the door in a flash , Blitzen gripping the key in her teeth . Gray Cat led the way and found the clearest path out of the back wooded area . The dog followed behind , wincing a few times as her legs and sides grazed prickly stems . In a few minutes they were in the clear on the adjacent street , Maple Avenue . Lights were on in some of the townhouses ; laughter and music was coming from a party across the street ; and white Christmas lights were twinkling on a huge spruce tree . Dropping the key and remote onto the ground , two heads hung over it , as if it was a dead mouse . " Well , do something , " said Gray Cat . " It 's cold out here . " Blitzen placed her right foot on the remote and pushed . Nothing happened . The cat wiggled the object with his paw , turning it over . " Now try it , " he said . The dog pressed again and a tiny red light glowed , but no car responded to it . " Let 's try the next block of houses , " said Blitzen . They moved along stealthily and in a sudden movement , the dog turned and walked out into the middle of the road . Once again she placed the key on the ground and stepped on the right side . Nothing . " Let 's try Cherry Lane . We 'll be going in the right direction to go back to our street . Hang in there , pussy cat . " Just then , a car turned onto the street and the headlights shone on them . " Quick , run for it ! " Blitzen grabbed the key and they took off to the darkened sidewalk and hid behind some bushes . The car drove by slowly , but thankfully kept going . " We certainly don 't need the dogcatcher coming around . " They reached the corner and looking all around , they turned right and started down the sidewalk . Loud voices were heard from one house . A large evergreen covered with white lights suddenly went dark , causing the pair to stop short . Cautiously , they moved on a little further , and Blitzen stopped and dropped the key . Blitzen ran across the street to where his acquaintance lived . " Hey , Knockers , it 's only me . Shush up , will you . I 'm on a mission and I don 't want anybody around , okay ? " " Hi , Gray Cat ! We have three cats in my house . Say , I heard my family talking about a robbery in the area the other night , too . Wish I could come out and help you . How in the world are you going to catch him ? " " All right , one more try here and then we 'll go down Magnolia and we 'll be almost home . Stop your complaining . At least you can 't say we didn 't try to help . " Making another right onto Magnolia , the deserted street was lined with lighted trees , shrubbery and many holiday decorations . They crossed the street and walked on the left side . Gray Cat suddenly stopped and asked , " What 's that thing ? " A huge yard display was lit up with a sleigh , reindeer , candy canes and an inflatable snowman . " We are three houses away . Let 's try it here . " Blitzen dropped the remote onto the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street from where they lived , put her big foot on it and pressed . Bingo ! A dark mid - sized car in the driveway across the road beeped loudly . The animals ducked out of view behind some shrubbery , because a street lamp on the sidewalk lit up the whole area . Blitzen kept pressing the remote and the car beeped until a man wearing pajamas and slippers came running out the front door . He looked all around , and , seeing no one , checked the door of the vehicle . Finding it open , he used the remote in his hand to lock it again ; then he returned to the house . Stunned , the four - footed pair just stared at the house through the gently falling snowflakes glistening in the light . Finally , Blitzen said , " Well I 'll be . I 've walked by this house many times and Nora has even spoken to the guy . Gray Cat , looks like we found our thief . " " Great work , Blitzen ! " said the feline rubbing against her friend 's leg . " You are quite the detective , and you 're not so crazy after all . Now what ? " " We have to wake up Bill and Nora . Run home as fast as you can , go in the back door and wake up Bounder , " ordered Blitzen . " Tell him we found the thief and to bark loudly at the front door . When Bill and Nora open the door , run out and they will follow you . " Blitzen ran across the street and hid in an overgrown clump of bushes to the right of the driveway and near the man 's car . She waited about five minutes to give Gray Cat time to get home and accomplish his task . Blitzen missed her warm fleece coat , and sitting quietly , feeling the soft icy snow on her back , she began to shiver . When enough time elapsed , she thought , " Well , here goes . " She stepped on the remote . Beep ! Beep ! A minute later the man came rushing out the door , with his coat on this time . He clicked his remote . Seconds later , Blitzen pushed hers . Looking around , nervously upset , he clicked the remote , checked to see that the door was locked again , hesitated , and then slowly walked up to the front door . Unaware that his every move was being observed , he glanced back at the car , turned and entered the house . Blitzen waited a few more minutes and once more stepped on the remote . The man , who must have been waiting inside the door , rushed out , this time with a baseball bat in his hand . He looked up and down the street , and seeing no one , he walked behind the vehicle and headed for the shrubbery . Reaching into his pocket , he brought out a flashlight and began to shine it into the bushes . Suddenly , he started beating the defenseless plants as he moved slowly around to the back of the shrubs . Whack ! Whack ! Whack ! Closer and closer he came . Just as he was within striking distance of Blitzen , who had crouched down as low as she could , she darted out through the bushes to the driveway and around the car . The movement startled the man and he rushed through the bushes in pursuit . " I 'll get you , you blasted dog . Are you trying to make a fool out of me ? " he shouted . All of a sudden Bounder was heard barking and running down the street , followed by Nora holding on to the leash , Gray Cat and the whole family . When they reached the driveway , Bounder suddenly stopped and slowly approached the man , who was now hurrying to the front door . The small slender dog stood and growled at the man . Gray Cat 's fur was all puffed up and he was hissing at the thief . " What 's going on ? Why are they doing that ? I haven 't done anything , " the man declared , still holding onto the bat defensively . " Nora , I think we 've caught our thief , " said Bill . " Mr . McDonald , isn 't it ? You recently moved into this house . Call the police , Nora . " She called , and they told her they were in the neighborhood . " Now wait a minute . What do you think you 're doing ? Who are you , to accost me in front of my house ? " complained the man loudly , raising the bat somewhat threateningly . Around the back of the car Blitzen quietly appeared . Nora gasped and said , " Blitzen , there you are , but how did you get here ? " She stooped down and embraced her pet . Bill walked over and reached to scratch her around the ears , but she put her head down and dropped the key . " Would you look at this ? You are the sly dog ! " He picked up the wet key chain and clicked the remote . The car beeped . Walking up to McDonald , he shook the key in his face and asked angrily , " Did you lose this key sometime this evening ? It seems to belong to your car . " The man was totally undone at this . He dropped the bat and slumped down on the top step of the porch and began to cry . " I 'm sorry , I truly am . All the presents are in the hall closet . " A police car arrived and stopped in front of the driveway . Two officers exited the car and walked over to the group . " Well , Mr . McDonald , we meet again . " Looking at Bill , the officer who had come to the Britton house after the robbery said , " We 've been watching this character for some time now , but had no evidence to arrest him . Hopefully , we 'll find all the stolen items inside the house , and a pair of jeans missing a pocket , and then we 'll put this Christmas bandit out of commission . You have done a great service for your community . " " I can 't take any credit for it , Officer , " said Bill . " When Bounder attacked McDonald and tore off the pocket , his car key dropped into the cat 's basket , but I didn 't find it until after you left . I left the remote on the kitchen table and somehow Blitzen figured out a way to track down the thief , along with Gray Cat . We were going to bring it to you tomorrow ; however , our detective greyhound had another idea , how , we 'll never know . I guess we are the proud owners of the only canine Sherlock Holmes . So let us know if you have any other cases you want solved . We 'll hire her out ! " They all laughed , except for Mr . McDonald , who was in handcuffs and being escorted to the police car . A few neighbors had braved the cold and gathered on the sidewalk to see what was going on . " It 's all over folks . You can go back to your homes now , " stated the policeman . " I 'll take pictures and document the evidence tonight , but I 'll have to take them with me initially to the station . Yours is the fifth robbery recently so there may be a stash of gifts to account for , and for all the other victims as well . You 'll have them back by Christmas , I promise . " The snow was lightly covering the ground as the Britton family returned home . Nora prepared a snack of hot chocolate and cookies with a special treat for Blitzen , Bounder and Gray Cat . Sitting around the kitchen table , they talked and talked , rehashing the events of the day . Not to be ignored Blitzen grabbed one of her toys and was frolicking around , Bounder in tow , and Gray Cat sat on the sofa washing his cold dirty feet . At long last , and the time approaching 1 : 00 A . M . , Nancy yawned and rested her head against her dad 's shoulder . " Daddy , in our prayers tonight , we should thank God that we will have our presents back , but I want to pray for Mr . McDonald . I forgive him for what he did and I hope that he will find Jesus and the spirit of Christmas , and maybe he won 't want to steal anymore . " The two dogs and one cat decided to stay down stairs on the sofa , as if on guard duty . In no time Bounder was stretched out and snoring . Blitzen tucked her long legs underneath her and rested her head on a large pillow . Gray Cat curled up next to his friend . " Wow , this night was better than any dream . I rather enjoyed being a detective , " Blitzen said yawning . " We make a pretty good team , Gray . What do you say ? " ALL RIGHTS RESERVED . This article and any photos or artwork contained within may not be reproduced or reprinted without express written permission from the author , artists , and / or photographers . Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Agreeing to a marriage to a stranger in return for money for his mother 's care and money to go to school with was small change in the grand scheme of things . It was ten years . He could do that . He just didn 't expect it to be so lonely inside the mansion . Notes : Ok so this was wrote over 3 days using a wonderful little tool I found called Writer 's Block . I wrote an average of around 6k a day with it . It 's really the best . If you are a writer and you let yourself get distracted . Try this . It 's FREE ! Spencer trailed his fingers down the wall of the hall . It was after two in the morning and his wing of the mansion was silent . He was on summer break from classes and instead of taking summer classes , he 'd decided to take the full break . His mother was finally allowing him to see her and he was going to visit her as much as possible . It had been a year since he 'd married Aaron Hotchner . An arranged marriage . Hotchner was a billionaire who ran a conglomerate of businesses and his board was looking to try and push him out given that he hadn 't settled down after the death of his wife ten years before . Hotchner 's assistant Jennifer had been the one that had set it all up . Jennifer and his friend Emily Prentiss were friends . Jennifer had spent the better part of a year looking for a good candidate to marry her boss . Emily had suggested him and that was when Jennifer had approached him in a café on the Cal - Tech campus . " Yes . " Spencer had looked up from his book then . The woman had been dressed in a very smart skirt suit . Her hair in a bun at the top of her head . " My name is Jennifer Jareau . I work for Hotchner Corporation . " She 'd given over her hand for him to shake but he 'd declined . Instead he 'd just stared at her . She 'd frowned but opened up a folder that she had pulled from her bag . " I have a proposition for you . My boss Aaron Hotchner is looking for a spouse . " " Any degree that you want in the requisite ten years that you two will be married . Your mother 's care will have a separate contract that can only be voided if you divorce him before the end of the tens years . Even after the divorce , your mother will be cared for . There is no limit on that money . Whatever she needs , she will get as long as it 's medically sound . " " Mr . Hotchner is a stern man who has no want of a spouse . He 'd be buying your name on a marriage license and on occasion your time for things for the Corporation . He will have no contact with you , you will both live in the mansion but you will have your own wing . A driver , a cook , staff . Anything you could want . " " Sex ? " Spencer hadn 't liked the sound of that . There no contact , they couldn 't have sex . And if it was a marriage in name only , did he still expect monogamy ? " As in he will not touch you that way ever unless it 's asked but given that he aims to never see you , it won 't be that easy to him to agree to sex . There are also clauses on what would be considered affairs . As long as the lover is never brought to the mansion , you can do as you like . We do not think that the board is going to follow you but your driver will take care of any and all of that . " It had only taken Spencer seventeen minutes to read over the three different contracts that were already signed by Hotchner . While he hadn 't had a law degree at the time , he 'd taken classes and had read all of his father 's law books over the years . It had been a binding contract . It had covered his medical expenses and other such things . More things than Spencer would have thought about . It was binding on both sides but Spencer liked it that way . If Hotchner died while he was married to Spencer , his company would revert to family , which the contract didn 't name . Spencer wasn 't exactly confirmed with who his family was . He 'd get a large settlement out of it as well as the access to the trust that would pay for his mother 's care . It was more stability than he 'd ever thought that he would have . The only thing that had thrown him was the clause that was attached to the trust fund for his mother 's care . It would deny his father access to her at all times . There was also money set aside to divorce her from him finally . Before Spencer had turned eighteen there had been no way to get a divorce for her because it would reveal his own living conditions and after there was no way to get his mother into a place that would help her . There were other sanitariums in the area but Spencer didn 't like them . Bennington was one of the best . Spencer had tried to get the money to get her into Bennington when he 'd turned eighteen but he 'd been thrown out of every casino and blacklisted . He 'd been going to school on scholarships and the such , finding himself doing things he didn 't want to do just to get some of them . He hated public speaking and the speaking engagements that came with some were horrific . In the end , Spencer had agreed and signed the simple contract that stated his intention to marry Hotchner . After that it was a whirlwind of meeting people and signing the marriage license just a day later . Again , Hotchner had signed it first with the officiant present . From that first meeting with Jennifer he had been subjected to the driver , a man named Derek Morgan who Spencer had been unsure about . Morgan had balked at not being allowed in the house when he 'd dropped him off that night for a good sleep . Spencer wasn 't ready to tell Morgan exactly why he wasn 't allowed in the house . Half an hour after signing the marriage contract , Spencer was stepping inside his house with two men from Bennington behind him . His mother had been so upset with him that she 'd denied him the right to see her . It had hurt but Spencer would do it again . Even with him and her back on speaking terms , Spencer hadn 't told her how he 'd come about the money to do get her into Bennington . It was his secret , she didn 't need the stress . In the year since then , Spencer had worked on a law degree from Stanford . Morgan drove him to school on Sunday nights and picked him up on Fridays after class . The mechanics of making it look like a marriage were lost to him so he did whatever Jennifer told Morgan to have him do . He didn 't care . In the beginning , there had been hope . Spencer really didn 't figure that Hotchner would never visit him . He had no clue what the news was saying about him and other than receiving a letter from his father trying to get him to stop the divorce , his father had no issue with it all . Spencer had turned the letter over to Jennifer and let her deal with it . He knew that a large sum of money had been paid by his father 's firm to hush it all up when it was revealed in the divorce proceedings that he 'd left a ten year old boy alone in a house with a mentally sick woman and that Hotchner 's legal team was ready to blast it all over . That money had gone into her trust to pay for Bennington and then both Spencer and his mother had been freed from William Reid . As time went on his husband , in name only , never visited . He had been tempted at one point to pick the lock that separated Hotchner 's wing from the rest of the mansion but he 'd chickened out in the end . When this had all started , Spencer hadn 't wanted to know anything about his husband so that he wouldn 't run the risk of jading himself against him and then it became apparent that his husband never even asked about him , he started to hate the man . Then it became that he didn 't want to know anything at all about him because the man didn 't care about him at all . Instead , he 'd thrown himself into schooling at Stanford . The library door was open and that shocked him a little bit . As far as he was aware , no one but him used the library . The library was one of the biggest that he 'd seen outside of Yale 's collective . There were books on everything inside of it . He 'd nearly got an erection at the nonfiction books that were there . There were just as many fiction books there . Right now it was his mission to work his way through them all before he went back to Stanford . The library had access from all the wings of the house with north and south wings feeding from the upper level . Spencer 's door was always kept locked . He could access from his side but a key was needed to get back from inside to his wing . So whoever had opened the door had a key . It was probably a cleaning staff . Spencer stepped into the library to see a boy sitting in the small children 's area in the corner just to the left of the door . He looked to be about ten years old and was sitting and reading . It was way too late for him to be awake . Spencer was shocked because he 'd not known that there was a child living in the mansion . Jennifer and Will were recently married and as far as he knew , she wasn 't trying for children yet . He knew that there were live in staff that he 'd never met , some of them were Hotchner 's private people and others were just ones that Spencer had never cared to meet . He stuck to his wing as much as possible . " I 'm Jack . " The boy stood up from the chair he 'd been sitting in and moved over to shake Spencer 's hand . He was very well mannered . " I couldn 't sleep and dad 's not home right now so I snuck out of my bedroom . " Spencer rattled off a short but easy question in Spanish and the boy looked at him in shock before answering back . They spent an hour just talking back and forth with Spencer teaching Jack new words as his own vocabulary failed him . Spencer became attached to him instantly . So plans were made that night to meet up after Jack 's lessons were done the next day . For three weeks , meeting with Jack in the library became the highlight of his life . He 'd visited with his mother for the week already so he was looking forward to finding a new subject to work on with Jack . Jack was proving to be a very smart boy . He loved to learn and he loved to play and Spencer was helping him with his homework as much as he could . Jack didn 't want Spencer to do it for him but to show him and help him . He didn 't ask anything about who the parents of the boy were . It was nice to just have no strings attached to any of it . He 'd been shocked that it was summer and he was still in school but had explained that he did year round with lots of weird breaks . He liked it way . Jack was off to find a book in the correct dewey number on the far side of the library when a man stepped inside from the main doors that fed from the visitor portion of the house . The man looked shocked to see him . Spencer looked him up and down . He 'd never seen the man before . He was dressed in a pair of well fitted tan slacks and a button up shirt . He was barefoot and that sort of threw Spencer for a loop . Before Spencer could as who he was , the man spoke first . Spencer didn 't really care who the man was and he didn 't like his tone a single bit . It wasn 't his job to know the staff but he was sure that the staff should know who he was . " I am the husband of the ' Lord of the House ' , who are you ? " Spencer let derision drip from his every syllable . His voice low so it wouldn 't carry to Jack . The look on Maddox 's face was priceless . Spencer didn 't care at this point if this Maddox went back to Hotchner and told him what he said . If the man had an issue with it , he could come and tell him in person . Then he 'd at least meet the man . " DADDY ! " Jack called out . He ran towards the man but set the book down on the table they had commandeered for the study session before jumping into Maddox 's arms . " This is Spencer . He 's been helping me ! " " Is he why your tutors all say you 've been doing better ? " Maddox set his son down and Jack moved over to the seat beside Spencer , opening a folder that he 'd brought of his work . Spencer had already seen the tests and homework that had been graded and seen that he was doing better in all subjects besides reading and English . He had told Spencer that his dad had always read with him at night and now that he was reading on his own , his father would sit on his bed with him and each of them would read their own books . Spencer looked at Maddox and tried to reconcile him with the man that Jack talked about . Maddox was very handsome and when he smiled at Jack his face transformed . " Really ? " Maddox looked at him and Spencer looked away , blushing . " Dave is looking for someone to test a new dessert on . I told him that I would send you his way . So gather up your homework and take it up to your classroom . Penelope says that you need more clothes . " " My pants are too short for my legs ! " Jack said as he moved to gather his things up . Spencer helped him slip bits of homework in the books that were appropriate and if a book wasn 't , into the folder . Jack smiled at him and gave him a hug before he ran out with his backpack on his back . " Jack 's tutors were thinking they had a massive breakthrough with him and science but I am guessing that it was all you ? " Maddox moved over to where Spencer 's books were scattered around on the table . He 'd taken to doing all of his work in the library to catch Jack as much as he could . " I thought you were working on a law degree at Stanford ? Not a robotics program through , " Maddox lifted up the sheet of paper for the program sheet . " MIT . " " Oh . " Spencer hadn 't thought about what the staff of the house had been told about him . His only contact was with Morgan and Dave and occasionally Jennifer . He 'd met Morgan 's girlfriend , Savannah who moved into the house when he was hired as Spencer 's driver . She was Hotchner 's private doctor and had lived in an apartment with Morgan before he was hired . She hadn 't wanted to live in the mansion , even though Hotchner had offered it before . When Morgan had been given the job , she 'd agreed to move in . She still worked at the local hospital , even though she really didn 't have to . " I 'm interested in everything . There are so many topics here in the library that I 've not left except to eat and sleep . If I wasn 't afraid of getting in trouble , I 'd sleep in here . " " I love reading and learning . There isn 't a subject that doesn 't interest me . I 'm getting the law degree to be safe , just in case . " " Why do you eat in your room ? I know the dining hall is a little … empty but many of the staff eat meals in the kitchen . I 'm sure that they wouldn 't mind you eating in there with them . " " I don 't like being stared at and no matter what , I get stared at here . I 'm happier in my wing . " Spencer started to gather up his things , moving his stacks to the smaller table near the door to his wing . He never left them out , worried about them . His texts were expensive and while he knew that Hotchner could afford more , he didn 't see the sense in it if he could keep track of the first ones . " No one uses the library except for Jack and you . What did you call him ? Lord Hotchner ? He 's read everything in here he could possibly want . He has a smaller personal library that has the books he wants to read in it in his wing of the house . No one is going to bother your things . " " The day I met Jack , the door to my wing was left open by someone . I was told I was the only one besides staff with a key . I just I am just being a little over precautious . " " What if I promise that no one will bother it ? I can restrict it to where just Anderson comes in and cleans in here . He doesn 't ever touch anything and is one of the best of the cleaning staff . Would that make you feel better ? " " I … " Spencer looked at Maddox . He 'd said he was basically Hotchner 's right hand man . But that didn 't mean that he could do as he promised . But he was Jack 's father and Jack said that his father was one of the most honest men around . Spencer nodded as set the stack of books he had in his hand back down on the table . It was a week before Spencer saw Maddox again . Jack still came to him daily and one day came with a book . Spencer was curled in a chair in the corner reading a book . Jack came bustling in . Morgan had gone with him to a museum along with two of his tutors for the day . Morgan had gone as Jack 's normal bodyguard was out sick . Spencer had been a little shocked when Morgan had asked if he was going out and if not that he was going to cover the boy . He should have known that Hotchner would make sure that he was covered , even if he cared nothing for him outside of the prestige he gave him . Dave had explained it that even when he 'd been married the last time , him and his wife were never seen together at things . She had the things that she did and he only went to board things that he had to go to . So far Jennifer had got him out of everything because it was all during school and while Hotchner didn 't seem to care what he did , he made sure that nothing interfered with his schooling . " Hello , Jack , " Spencer said as he closed his book and slipped it onto the stand beside the chair . He looked at the boy who looked like he was about to burst . " What 's wrong , Jack ? " " Yes . I couldn 't actually take it home as it was just a display but Miss JJ ordered it as soon as I got back and told her I wanted it . She 's making sure that it 's shipped out as soon as possible and Anderson is getting a room cleaned out but the thing is that I wanna set it up in your wing . So that I don 't bother dad when he 's working . I promise to never go inside unless we are going to be in there together . Plus your wing has the most empty rooms . " " Because before you moved into the house I used to play in your wing all the time . It was all draped with cloths and I 'd set up forts inside . Especially when I was bored and missed dad . Also no one will come and get me in your wing . Miss JJ makes sure that everyone respects your privacy . " Spencer looked at Jack and how happy he was , how excited he was . He was holding something behind his back and he held his hand out for it . Jack handed over a stack of papers . He looked at the top one that had an image of a set up lab . The next ten pages described everything that came in it . It was a top of the line lab set . It had been developed at Cal - Tech actually for young learners of science . It had add ons that could be bought at later times as the children who used it got into higher science classes . Jennifer had starred the first three additions and put a question mark on the fourth . He looked at the final image while showed a lab with all the additions . It was going to need a big room and Spencer knew the exact one it was going to go in . " Go fetch Anderson . " Spencer watched Jack tear out of the library and he settled down into his chair again , grabbing his cup of coffee . The carafe he had was almost empty and to get a refill he had to go to the kitchens . Dave had tried his hardest to get him to place a call to have a servant bring it up but Spencer felt weird doing that . It felt weird , even now , to allow the staff of the house to clean up after him , to wash his clothes , and prepare his meals . Spencer wondered exactly how often Jack got everything he wanted . It sounded like he got anything he wished for . He wasn 't bratty but there was an expectation of getting what he wanted . " No . Morgan and Anderson are actually going to go and pick it up with it 's ready . Now I was thinking that I don 't have to work tomorrow . What do you want to do ? " Maddox stepped up to Jack and ruffled his hair . The boy straightened it and glared at his father . " I saw a thing online about there being paint that we can turn a wall into a chalk board . We can put up marker boards on one . Miss JJ said that Miss Penelope would get me a computer in here and a few science programs loaded to it . An Internet connection is going to have to be run but she said that it would be taken care of when she gets the computer going . " Jack ran over to the notepad that Spencer had given him and started to write down things . Maddox stepped closer to Spencer . " He tolerated science before you . He mostly grasped it but his teachers said he was apathetic about it . This is … " Maddox smiled at him , grabbing his shoulder and squeezing it . " Whatever he needs or wants to learn anything he is interested in , please let me or Jennifer know . None of his tutors get this level of enthusiasm for anything from him , even reading . " " She 's enjoying my letters and she writes me back on occasion . She 's adjusted well to Bennington and is thriving there . Better than she was at home with the neighbor helping her . " " Spencer . " Maddox reached out for him but Spencer shoved his arm away . He moved over to where Jack writing down what he wanted to add to the room that didn 't come in the lab set . Maddox didn 't approach him but stayed back until Jack turned around with the list . " Can we go and get this stuff ? And paint ? Then tomorrow we can get the room all set up so that it has time to dry before the set gets here . " Jack handed over the list and his father read it over . He nodded when his eyes hit the bottom . " Why don 't you join us ? " Maddox asked but Spencer shook his head . He needed a little more distance it seemed as he was finding himself more and more attracted to the caring father . He didn 't need to find a romantic entanglement inside of Hotchner 's own house . He wasn 't allowed to bring lovers home but what if he found one inside ? As much as he disliked the man , he wasn 't that callous . He settled for taking a few steps away . Maddox followed his son and Spencer waited until he was gone before he moved to his own bedroom . He plopped on the divan , sprawled out . Maddox didn 't have a wedding ring on his finger and there was no trace of where one had been so whoever Jack 's mother was , she was long out of the picture but that didn 't mean that Maddox was interested in him . He was Maddox 's boss 's husband . It wasn 't something that needed done . He placed a call to the kitchen 's to tell Ashley that there would be three less for dinner . Like the sound of a small hand knocking on his door and calling for him . Then two minutes later the sound of a heavier , stronger hand knocking and a deeper voice calling out . He 'd make it up to Jack during their study sessions , where his father wasn 't present . Spencer stayed locked in his room for the entirety of the next day as well . He called down in the morning to cancel his meals for the day and ate snacks he had stashed in his room , drank instant coffee and bottled water . He caught up on his robotics after slipping down in the dead of night to the library to gather his things up . Dawn came too early on the morning after and he slipped down to an early breakfast only to find himself trapped in the hallway when he saw Maddox in a designer suit standing just outside his door . The sound of the door shutting drew Maddox 's gaze from his phone and up to him . There was only two options , to talk or to flee . At that second he was going for fleeing . Spencer swallowed the little saliva that was left in his mouth to try and wet his throat so he could talk . Maddox was downright sexy in the suit . Spencer was only in his pajamas . He grabbed the bottom edge of his t - shirt and pulled it down like it would magically cover his Doctor Who sleep pants . It drew Maddox 's gaze down and his eyes kept going , all the way to feet and back up . A blush started on Spencer 's cheeks . He reached back for the knob to his door , finding that running and trying to blockade the door before Maddox could unlock it was his best option . The look of hunger in the other man 's eyes had nothing to do with food and Spencer didn 't know what to do with it . He didn 't need this . " Hmm . " Maddox looked like he didn 't believe him but he didn 't push it . He slipped his phone into his suit jacket pocket and took a step towards him . Spencer was already flush against the the door or he would have moved . Before he could even think of turning away from the door and slipping down the hall , the other man was in front of him . " We finished the room yesterday but Jack wants your help getting the tables and the desk set up . He 'll be with the tutors until the normal time today . Unless your headache comes back do you think you could help him ? " " Thank you , Spencer . " Maddox 's hand raised up and he brushed a finger down the side of his cheek . It caused Spencer to shiver . When the finger reached his jaw , it glided down to his chin before he felt a thumb traced just the at the lower edge of his lip . He inhaled sharply and Maddox leaned down , taking his lips in a strong but chaste kiss . Spencer didn 't let go of the door knob and his other hand clenched tight on his shirt . When Maddox pulled away he gave him a quick peck on the cheek . " Dave has breakfast ready for you and you had better eat all that he has on the plate . I know what you 've lived on the past day . " " Okay . " Spencer was breathless . Maddox smiled at him and leaned in for another kiss . Spencer reacted this time and pressed himself forward into the kiss . The older man pulled away all too soon for his liking . Spencer thought about eating in the main dining room where he knew that Jack and Maddox ate . The boy talked about it when dinner was brought up . He didn 't want to eat in there . Maddox looked at his watch , frowning but he leaned in again and kissed Spencer , teasing him with a swipe of tongue as he pulled away . Spencer wanted to reach out and pull him back in but he reigned in the urge . Maddox was gone out of his wing before he even thought about anything else . He 'd promised himself that he wouldn 't do it . That he wouldn 't even entertain the thought but in the cold light of morning , he couldn 't deny that he was attracted to Maddox in a way that he 'd never been to anyone else . It was hard to not see the loving father in him and to know that he did whatever his son needed . It wouldn 't take much more and he was pretty sure that he was going to lose his heart to him . Maddox had to know exactly what he was getting into with him . He was sure that the entire household staff knew the arrangement between him and Hotchner . There was nothing stopping him from starting a relationship with Maddox . He 'd signed no papers that stopped him but he couldn 't be open with him . To the world at large he had to remain the loving spouse of Aaron Hotchner . There would be no dates out . No parties where they could arrive together . Spencer sighed and let his head thump back onto the door . He twisted the knob of the door and slipped back into his room . He needed to get changed . If Dave was expecting him , he wouldn 't be able to slip in and out again . He found a pair of jeans and a clean Star Wars t - shirt . He needed to send his clothes down to be cleaned but he 'd forgot the day before with the fear of being found . He picked up the phone and called to have them picked up , a first for him . Celeste , the woman on the other end of the phone , was shocked but agreed that someone would be up to empty his hamper as soon as possible . Spencer threw all of his clothes into it , even if he 'd not worn it much . When he slipped out of the room , he hung the placard on the door that told the cleaning staff that he didn 't mind them cleaning his room . He 'd not wanted to be shocked by them in the mornings or late in the evenings so he and Anderson had come up with it . When he was away at college , they cleaned as much as they wanted inside of his rooms . Slipping into a pair of his Converse , Spencer moved down to the kitchens . He weaved his way through the back parts of the house . He didn 't want to come across anyone . His cheeks were still burning so he was fairly certain that anyone who did come across him would know that he 'd been kissing someone . Dave was the only one left in the kitchen . The rest of the staff was probably eating in the small room next door where a table and chairs were and there was always something to snack on . When he looked around he found a plate that was very full on the table with a stool in front of it , right where Dave was working on a dough of some sort . " Ah , there he is ! " Dave said as he smiled at Spencer . Spencer smiled back and took the eat . There was eggs , scrambled with cheese , bacon , a sausage patty and hash browns all on the plate . A cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice was sitting beside the plate . Beside them was a plate with two biscuits and a small tumbler of honey . " You eat up . I won 't have you reverting to that too skinny stage of not eating . You 'll come down here for lunch as well before your dinner with Maddox . I 'll send Ashley after you if you don 't . " That meant that Maddox had told him what their plans were . Spencer felt the blush deepen on his face . He leaned forward , letting his hair make a curtain so that he could make himself believe that there was no one else there . He tucked into his food , taking a sip of coffee . Dave had prepared it exactly like he liked . " Jennifer is getting you a Keurig for your room . I want the instant thrown out . I was about to send up a carafe yesterday but Morgan said you had instant in your room . If you won 't brave the kitchen , you can at least have something good to drink . There is a cupboard in the next room that has many kinds . Don 't worry about taking too much . " " Hush , " Dave flicked a floured finger at him . " Jack kept you a secret . It wasn 't until Maddox found him with you that he gave the whole truth . His computer teacher is flabbergasted . Never seen Jackson that upset at not reaching him . " " Is tonight really a date ? " Spencer asked . He didn 't have a single thing to wear on a date . He near choked on the bite of potatoes that he had in his mouth . " Yes you are ! " Spencer cried out . Dave loved cooking and he didn 't make pasta for the bigger dinners because there were too many people . Even the guards on staff ate what Dave cooked . Even if it was reheats during the middle of the night . Spencer started to eat faster . He chewed every bit though because he didn 't want slapped on the back for not chewing . He finished his meal and drained his juice . He stood up and found a carafe of coffee set in front of him . " I 'll send Morgan up to you when he finishes his breakfast . He and Savannah haven 't been down yet . Go and read and freak out in the library and leave me in peace . " Spencer grabbed the carafe and a mug , leaving as quick as he could . He made it to his wing without seeing anyone . He curled up in the library , with a book in his hand . It was one of the few books in French in the library . He was savoring reading it . He got lost in the words so only realized that time was passing when the door to the library opened and there was Morgan . " Appointment ? " Spencer looked at the other man with a frown on his face . " No , no appointment . I 'm just going to find a good pair of pants and a new shirt . " " What ? " Spencer looked at Morgan but he could tell by his face that the man was serious . He sighed and nodded . Morgan pulled his phone out and sent a text off . " No . " The new car that had been bought for his use was all he wanted to use . His own Amazon was in the garage and he 'd get in it and drive off if he had to . He stared at Morgan . Finally , the man relented with a slump of his shoulders . As with every single time that Spencer called Hotchner that around him , Morgan seemed to get upset . Morgan had known the man for years whereas all Spencer knew was nothing . He was the forgotten husband and it was hard to adjust to that . The quick shopping trip was anything but . The shop that Dave had made Morgan take him to was something that he never would have set foot inside of if it had been his choice but he had to agree that he liked the clothes . He found several vested suits that he fell in love with and permitted the fitting to have them and several pair of dress pants and a few button down shirts fitted to him . One of the suits that he loved was a near fit for him already and the tailor said that it would only take a few hours to get it ready . After that , Morgan drove him to another store that took care of undergarments . That 's where he ran into the biggest problems . He liked most of the socks in the place . He wanted to buy all of them . Morgan wasn 't in the store with him . He drew the line at being escorted around . Get them all . came a text on his phone from an unknown number . He looked at his phone . It was the newest , best phone that he used for very little beside phones calls to Emily and texts to her as well . Jennifer programmed the calendar to alert him to things that he needed to make an appearance at . Many of them were things that he would have went to anyway as she picked science things for him to show his face at , especially when Hotchner was making a donation of some kind at it . He was getting ready to text Jennifer to ask her who the number was when a second text came through . This is Maddox , Spencer . I 'm with Jennifer and Morgan is keeping her apprised . He sent a picture of you looking like a child at Christmas . Looking at socks off all things . Spencer chose to ignore it . If he ignored it , he wouldn 't blush . Instead he turned to where Morgan wouldn 't be able to see him and he leaned against the wall . Just for the sake of full disclosure . Jennifer also received a text of you in the suit that you are wearing tonight . She told Dave that you look delicious . Should I be jealous ? Spencer swallowed as he sent back an affirmation to the time . He tried to will down the blush . He wondered what Jennifer and Morgan thought of him getting fancy clothes . He hadn 't brought up Maddox to them . He didn 't want to . Dave knowing was bad enough . He hoped that Dave set the meal up on his own . He didn 't want gossip flooding around the house . " Yes . " Spencer laughed as he signed his name to the bill . He picked two pair for him to wear that night as well as underwear and an undershirt before he had the rest of it delivered to the mansion . There was still an hour to kill before he would be able to pick up the suit . He slipped into the back of the Impala before he looked at Morgan with a glare . " No sharing pictures . " " Come on , man . Jennifer wants updates on you as I am the only one of staff you interact with on a regular basis . She was almost going to send me to your wing today to pull you out with a crowbar after no one saw you yesterday . Then today you are going shopping for a date suit and allowed a whole closet worth of clothes to be made for you . She 's intrigued . " Morgan just gave him a look in the rear view mirror . Spencer wasn 't going to agree or not agree about the date . Instead he pulled up his phone and started to surf the Internet on it . He found a headline of Hotchner Corporation making a donation of land and a house to the battered women 's shelter for the county if it 's made into an all gender facility . That it could be demolished and rebuilt if needed to keep separate sections for residents , all paid for by Hotchner . Spencer opened the article and read it . There was a picture of the house but the one that seemingly had the image of Hotchner wasn 't loaded . Spencer closed it just as the picture loaded but he didn 't go back into it . Things like that spoke of caring . He cared about everyone except the man he was supposed to be married to . Spencer huffed and threw his phone onto the seat beside him . " That bookstore you took me to last time . " Spencer waited for Morgan 's nod before he closed his eyes . He was going to take his frustrations out on Hotchner 's bank account so that he could be in a better mood come the date with Maddox . Spencer laughed as Maddox pressed him into the book shelf behind him . His hands were caught and pressed above his head . The nose with the whipped cream that he wiped on it buried itself into his neck . He tried to wiggle away but stopped when something hot and wet traced the path the nose had traveled . Right where ear and neck met , teeth bit and Spencer couldn 't help the forward press of his hips into Maddox 's . He cried out as he was thrust into , feeling a hard cock press into his hip . They 'd done nothing more than trade kisses for the last five dates but in that instant , Spencer wanted sex more than he wanted anything else in his life . The remnants of dinner was strewn about the table behind him with dessert half finished . He 'd swiped the whip cream from the top of his dessert and smeared it on Maddox 's nose in a fit of childishness as Maddox had been questioning what exactly the Physics Magic he was teaching Jack was . He hadn 't expected Maddox to play chase him through the library , only to catch him . He nuzzled his own face into the side of neck and inhaled . " Spencer , " Maddox started and Spencer could hear that he was unsure . Spencer stopped his mouth with a kiss , hotter than any he 'd given him before . He sucked Maddox 's tongue into his mouth and played . He heard the growl before he was hauled up by his ass , groins pressed harder together . He cried out in pleasure as he wrapped his legs around the other man 's waist . He gripped the back of Maddox 's head , grabbing hairs to keep him still as he traced his teeth with his tongue . " I have lube in my room , " Spencer said before he brought his mouth back in for more kissing . Maddox kissed well enough to blank his mind . He wanted to know what those lips felt like trailing across his body . How his cock felt inside of him . " I need you . " " Go . " Maddox stepped back , helping him get settled on his feet . " I 'll join you in a moment . I need to call Jennifer to ask her to find someone to put down Jack for the night . " " Okay . " Spencer 's legs were a little shaky as most of his blood wasn 't in his head anymore . He adjusted himself before he started out of the library . He heard the phone thump on the table looked back to see Maddox fumbling with it as he adjusted himself . Spencer smiled to himself as he hurried out . He opened the door to his room and found thankfully that he 'd cleaned up a little that morning . His clothes had been sent down to wash . He stripped out of his clothes and hung up what needed hung up and tossed the rest in the hamper . He fumbled the lube out of his nightstand , thankful that he 'd just bought a new tube of it and set it on top of the stand . He 'd been jerking off more over the past two months , since his first date with Maddox than he ever had in his life . Moving to his bed he pulled off the comforter and laid it on the floor at the foot of the bed . It made sense to do everything in his wing . No one came there and traipsing through the house to the other wing , where Maddox lived would draw attention . He sighed as he straightened up . As he did , he felt a hand on his hip and then he was pulled back into a fully clothed body . Another hand wrapped around his neck and pushed his head up and back as teeth closed around the lobe of his ear . Spencer swallowed , his mouth suddenly dry as Maddox slowly started to unbutton the red dress shirt that he had been wearing . He 'd come straight from working that night and had still been in his suit . He 'd taken off the tie and jacket before eating . Spencer saw that he had taken off his shoes at some point . Each button was worked open before he pulled the shirt from his pants but he didn 't slip off the shirt , instead he opened up his belt . He pulled the belt slowly out of the hooks on his pants before tossing it aside . Next he moved his legs kind of funny and was certain that he was using the carpet to pull off his socks instead of bending down to slip them off . He held back the laugh he wanted to let loose . Working his pants open , Spencer could see how big Maddox was and he couldn 't help sitting up and reaching out . Maddox grabbed his hand and held it away as he worked his pants off one handed . When Spencer reached out with his other , it was grabbed as well . With a shimmy of his hips , the pants fell down . Sex was something that Spencer had never done with a man . He 'd had sex with women but he 'd never met a man that he wanted or trusted enough to allow it other than blow jobs . With Maddox he did though . He wanted it so bad . Leaning forward he licked at the head of his boxer covered cock . Maddox dropped his hands , pushing him down onto the bed again . He stripped out of his boxers and shirt before kneeing up onto the bed . Spencer started to scoot backwards as he advanced . When he was almost all the way up , a hand on his ankle stopped him . He spread his legs as Maddox moved up in between them . He laid back as the other man loomed over him . Maddox leaned down and kissed him as he plastered his body on top of Spencer 's . He let his own hands trace wherever they wanted on skin and Maddox didn 't seem to mind at all . The other man 's hands weren 't idle either . He groaned when Maddox pulled away but the kiss on his neck and then lower was his reward . As nips , licks , and kisses were trailed down his chest , one of his legs was pulled giving the other man access to him . There was a swipe of tongue over balls as a finger brushed his hole . He hadn 't heard the man open the lube so he must have done it silently . The finger pushed in and Spencer had to force himself not to clamp down . A thumb rubbed at his perineum . Maddox was able to slip his finger all the way in and got him used to the feeling . Spencer reached down and pulled at Maddox 's arm until he came up to him . He shifted his leg a little more and moaned as the man brushed his prostate . He started to kiss him as he was stretched open . He wanted that mouth on his . So focused on the feeling of mouth on his that he missed being stretched the rest of the way . He only realized it when Maddox pulled away and moved towards the nightstand drawer . He dug out a condom and opened it . Spencer watched him slip it on . " I want to see you . " Spencer pouted . He tried to grab at him to pull him in but Maddox just grabbed his hands , leaning up and pinning them at his head . Spencer just stared up at him for a few seconds before he pushed up as much as he could with his arms pinned , trying to kiss him . Maddox laughed and let go of his hands . Dropping down to one arm , he manipulated Spencer 's body until he was how he wanted him , knee up to chest then pressure at his hole . Spencer relaxed as he felt the head breach him . He inhaled sharply and it had Maddox pausing . By the time that Maddox was all the way in , Spencer 's erection had wilted a little bit . When Spencer had relaxed back again , Maddox pulled out a little bit and pushed back in . The gasp as his prostate was hit had Maddox smiling and leaning down to kiss him again . Spencer let go of the bed . The thrusting the man was doing inside of him had his arousal ramping up again . He wrapped his legs around the man , not willing to let him go anywhere . " Possessive aren 't you ? " Maddox panted into his mouth as he pulled back a little . Spencer blinked a few times as he brought the man into focus . Before he could say anything , his lover dropped his head back down , Spencer prepared for kissing but the mouth didn 't go to his . No it dropped to his jaw , bussing him there before sliding back . A sharp nip followed by a swipe of tongue to sooth it had Spencer bucking up . It caused Maddox to slam into him a little harder than he had been and it had a spike of arousal to flood his body . Maddox hummed and slammed his hips into him harder again . The sensation was too much and Spencer could only throw his head back and try and scramble to hold onto the other man . His hands wrapped around and tried to find purchase on the other man 's back but all he could do was scrape his nails as fingers slid on his slick back . Maddox 's hand pressed down on his leg , holding him down and pulling it from around his back . It caused a shift in his body and every single thrust after hit his prostate . He screamed as his orgasm hit him . " Fuck , " Maddox said as he slammed harder into him . Spencer felt his cock twitch even harder as he came . He didn 't know how long it was after that his lover came , he was too lost in sensations . He felt the sudden and fast slam of hips into his ass then Maddox didn 't pull out again . He heard the groan . He grabbed at the other man 's head and brought it close , kissing him . Maddox stayed like that until Spencer 's hips started to protest the same position for so long but before he could say anything , he pulled away . He protested the total loss of the body above him but stopped when he watched Maddox slip off the condom , tossing it into the trash before leaning over and grabbing something from the floor . Spencer looked to see it was a towel . He remembered using it to dry his hair the night before . He thought he 'd tossed it in the hamper . He was wiped down before it was tossed back over the side . Then the Maddox was laying down again , pulling him onto his side and wrapping his arms around him . Spencer snuggled back into him . " That was wonderful , " Maddox said . Spencer leaned his head down to kiss at whatever skin he could reach . Maddox nuzzled at his neck . " We need to talk . " " That doesn 't sound good . " Spencer felt his heart plummet to stomach . Maddox had a kid so Spencer assumed that he was safe . That he wasn 't just doing this for sex . Spencer tried to free himself but Maddox was holding him tight . He was fighting him and he didn 't the bedroom door open . Spencer looked to see Jennifer there . Maddox grabbed the sheet and pulled it around them , blocking her view . Hotch ? Who was Hotch ? Spencer looked at her again . " Penelope is fighting off an attack on personal house server . Dave told me you were in the library . I found the door Spencer 's wing open and the bedroom . I didn 't … think . " Maddox was up out of the bed quick as lightning . He grabbed his pants and slipped them on , while Spencer just sat and gaped at him . Sex had to have addled his brain because it wasn 't processing . Why was he getting up ? Surely Hotchner didn 't need him for that . Spencer stopped . Jennifer called out Hotch she had entered . Hotch . Hotchner . Aaron Hotchner . His husband . And she hadn 't been been shocked to see Maddox . He wanted to puke . He wanted to scream . But Spencer settled for pulling the sheet up more . When Maddox . No . Hotchner turned around , Spencer could tell by the look on his face that he knew he knew . The other man stepped closer to the bed after he got fully dressed but Spencer flinched away . Hotchner stopped and frowned . " Hotch ? " Jennifer called from the other room . Hotchner turned and left . As soon as the outer door to rooms shut , Spencer was out of bed . He ran at the door and locked it . Once he sure that no was getting in after putting up barricades , Spencer moved to the inner bedroom . He shut it as well , slamming home the dead bolt he 'd installed . His skin started to crawl . He could feel the other man all over him . He went to the bathroom , only pausing long enough to take our his contacts before he slipped into the shower . He turned the water on full blast and started to scrub with his rag as soon as he had soap on it . When the water was too hot , he finally turned some cold . He scrubbed until his skin was raw before he worked on cleaning himself out . He didn 't stop washing until until he made sure no trace of Hotchner was on him . Only then did he fall to the floor of the shower and cry . Spencer knew that he had fallen in love with Maddox , whoever he was . Hotchner must have had the the time of life , making him fall in love with him . He wondered if Jack was even his son . Had everyone known ? Dave had been the only one he had talked about Maddox with . He had known and hadn 't told him . Spencer scrambled out of the shower just in time to throw up in the toilet . When his stomach was empty , Spencer dried himself and got dressed . When he moved in he had figured out the best way out without being noticed . He hadn 't thought about it in a year so he hoped it was still an open path . Some of his mother 's paranoia had settled on him and for once he was thankful . He grabbed the backpack he used to take things with him , to and from school and filled it with things he 'd need . He wasn 't running blindly . He had a destination in mind . He just to make it to the bus station . Jennifer knew Emily so she was out but a friend he 'd made at Cal - Tech before leaving wouldn 't be on anyone 's radar . Will was on security and there must have been something on his face because when the man shined his light on him as he tried to slip over the fence , Will just nodded and moved on . He caught the bus seven blocks over and rode it into the city proper . From there he went to the Greyhound depot and bought a ticket to Cambridge . The bus left before he was able to second guess himself . An hour into the trip , his phone rang . Maddox popped up on the screen . His heart clenched and he sent it to voicemail . He wasn 't going back . Not until the pain of it all was gone . Not until he could look the staff in the eye and not feel shame . He knew that the Penelope woman could track him but he didn 't care . He didn 't want them to mount a man hunt , so he left the phone on . Spencer just snorted when the second call came through . He sent it to voicemail as well . He wasn 't all that shocked when nothing else came through . Obviously Hotchner was done playing with him . He 'd got his rocks off . Humiliated the man he was married to and was done . Spencer went into his contacts and changed it from Maddox to Lord Hotchner before putting it to silent . He was tired and the bus would be going through the night so he curled into his seat and forced himself to sleep . He woke up when the bus stopped . He looked to see the sun peeking through the horizon . He stretched out of his seat and grabbed his backpack . They were at a rest stop . He wasn 't hungry but he knew he would be later . So he used the restroom and hit the vending machines . The pop machines had water so he bought several bottles . Back on the bus , Spencer braved looking at his phone . Seven missed calls from Lord Hotchner . One from Jennifer with a voicemail . Two from Morgan with a single voicemail . He listened to that one . Morgan just wanted to let him know he was alive . Five texts from Hotchner and two from Jennifer . Penelope has you moving across the state . She found the ticket in your name . I 've talked with Mr . Hotchner , I know exactly what happened . He 's promised me that he 'll leave you alone until you contact him . I 'm figuring you are asleep so please disregard the voicemail . When you wake up , text me to let me know you are alive . Spencer texted her that he 'd call to get housing set up when he got to Cambridge and asked to cancel his enrollment at Stanford to get him into MIT . It was only seconds before he received an affirmation back . He cracked open a bottle of water . Thinking about he was going to do once he made it to town . There should be a cab waiting for you . It 's going to take you to a house . There are seven properties in total . If you don 't like them , we will start again tomorrow . Do you want the Amazon or a new car ? A new Impala will be fine . I see the cab . Spencer did see it . The driver was standing with a sign that said Reid . He had never been so thankful he 'd kept his name . Hotchner hadn 't had an issue with it . He wondered what exactly Jennifer felt about it all . Obviously Hotchner hadn 't cut him off , forcing him home . Or was she doing this without him knowing ? He didn 't want her to do anything that would get her in trouble for the sake of him . Spencer didn 't reply just got into the back of cab . The house was only a block from the edge of campus . It was a small two story . The outside was beautiful . A lady was standing on the porch . Spencer pulled out his phone and dialed Jennifer . " I understand . No one knew . Except for Dave . I 've already given him a stern talking to . He thought Hotch would have told you by now . " " Have you talked to Will ? " Spencer wondered if her husband had told her exactly what he had done . He wasn 't going to rat him out though . " It 's why I was worried . He said you didn 't look well but he knew that something bad had to have happened . Hotch doesn 't know about what he did . Will and security are trying to find the hole you slipped out . Hotch didn 't force you right ? " " God , yes . His mother died after childbirth complications . That was Hotch 's wife . He found her in bed with man three months into the pregnancy . He provided care up until birth which was when a DNA test was done . Jack is his . Hotch is very protective of him . " " Oh . " Spencer thought about him . How he wouldn 't understand any of it . He had no clue what they had told him already . " What does he know ? " " That you left in the night . He overheard one of the guards talking when he was doing his outside exercises that morning with Morgan . Hotch told him that you were on your way to do some things for school . He said that you got a call late and had to leave . He understood . " " Actually , his own . Hotch has been hesitant about letting him get one but when I told him that Jack would want to talk to you a great deal , he agreed that a phone with a limited range of contacts was going to be okay . When he is done with schooling for the day , I 'm going to take him to pick one out . It wasn 't a light decision and Jack has been bugging him about it so it 's made him a little upset . " " I 'll stick with what Lord Hotchner has told him . Make sure that he knows that I will gladly talk to him at any point . I 'm sure that Garcia can set him up with Skype and we can talk that way when he wants homework help . " Spencer looked up at the realtor and saw that she wasn 't looking upset at all at being held up . He looked at the cab driver and saw the same . He was just sitting there reading a book . " How much exactly are you paying this cab driver ? " Jennifer laughed . " I am paying him his normal fee plus an extra three hundred as a tip to not get upset . And the realtor has been trying to sell this house for two years . She wants it gone and she 's more than willing to do whatever we want . " " You wouldn 't have got into a limo . " Jennifer knew him well . He wouldn 't have got into a limo . He would have just passed by it and found a cab of his own . " I did , " Jennifer said but Spencer could tell that she was lying by the tone of her voice . He wanted to leave and go onto the next house but he didn 't . He wanted to see exactly what Hotchner thought he wanted in a house . " Of course . You have to understand though that MIT has wanted you for years . Since your first degree at Cal - Tech . After your marriage to Hotch hit the news , we were fielding offers of all kinds from every science based school the country over . " " I know . Don 't worry . I 'll make sure they understand that . " Jennifer sighed . " I need to go . More fallout from the breach last night . They didn 't get in but they tried to get into the main farm at the office . I 'll call you as soon as I know anything . " " You are very welcome . I never . I never saw this coming . I never would have … I wouldn 't have let him lie to you like that . " " Thank you . " Spencer hung up and looked at the realtor . She smiled and waved at him . He started up the concrete stairs that lead up to the lawn . It was a perfect little house for him on the outside . " Doctor Reid , my name is Samantha . Welcome to Massachusetts . Jennifer said that I needed to show you just the living room for you to fall in love so do you want to start there or do you want to look around outside first . " Samantha smiled at him and came off the porch leading into the house . He followed her around the side of the house and into the backyard . There was a gazebo that was nestled under a canopy of trees that lined the back of the yard . It was entirely fenced in and there was a large gate that opened to the side . " The other side of the yard has just a small fence . The back doors leads into the back yard but the side door that comes off the kitchen doesn 't lead to the fenced in area . There is no security system already installed but Jennifer said that one would be when you moved in . " Samantha just smiled at him and told him a little about the area the house was in . When there was nothing else , he followed her back to the front . The front door opened into a hallway instead of a living room . " The older man who lived here passed away ten years ago . His children kept the house for eight years and then decided to sell it . His wife had died when they were in their fifties and while he upgraded the house , the living room he kept the same other than replacing the bookshelves . " " Bookshelves ? " Spencer was intrigued . The woman smiled at him and waved him toward the first doorway on the right . He stopped as he took in the room . It was floor to ceiling bookshelves . The only breaks were the windows and the doorway that led to what looked like the dining room . There were even shelves above the windows and below them . The large front window had a bench seat built into the shelves . There was a large space in the middle for couches and whatever else one wanted but the living room was gorgeous . He fell in love right there . " I 'll take it . " " Good . The paperwork will be finished in a few hours . But let me show you around first . The inspection on the house was last done two months ago . The children want the house gone so there is little that they won 't do to get it off their hands . I know that the repair work is all up to date as well as the electrical work . " Spencer didn 't listen to a word that the woman said after that . He filed it all away for later review but his mind kept going back to the living room . The wife must have loved books . The shelves were a labor of love . He wondered what happened to the books . When the tour was winding down he asked . " Oh , the kids pay for them to be stored across town . It 's a protected unit that preserves them . They kind of put them there and forgot about them . Are you interested in them ? " Samantha looked giddy at the prospect . Spencer moved away from her as she pulled out her cellphone . He went to the living room . He moved over to the bench seat and found that it overlooked a little garden . The kids must have been paying for a landscaper to come in . He liked what they were doing . He sent a text that he wanted the name and to keep them on contract to Jennifer . Spencer pocketed his phone . He laid his head back on the wood behind him and just stared out . He sighed and closed his eyes . He hated himself that he wanted him here . He wanted to be held in his strong hands . To smell his cologne because it calmed him down . He wanted Maddox and Maddox didn 't even exist . He 'd fallen in love with a fictional man . He 'd fallen in love with someone he hated . And he hated himself for it . He hadn 't seen it . Spencer felt the tear track down his cheek but he didn 't wipe it away . If he stopped it , that meant it existed but if he ignored it , he could pretend it wasn 't there . Footsteps down the hall though prompted him into wiping at his eyes and cheeks anyway . He looked at the doorway to see Samantha there . " Paperwork is underway . You can stop by my offices around four and I 'll have the keys for you . It 's a set that we made after changing the locks so you don 't need to worry about the kids having a copy . " " Thanks so much ! " Spencer said as he made his way out of the house . He needed to focus on something or he was going to cry . His phone buzzing as he shut the cab door had him pulling out his phone . Spencer told the cabbie where to go and the man nodded . He looked a little put out at something . He figured it was that he thought he wasn 't going to get his whole tip but Spencer was pretty sure that Jennifer was going to do it . He looked around the city as they drove through it . He was looking forward to driving again . He 'd kind of liked being driven around but not all the time . Sometimes he wanted to just go . Not have to worry about anything but he also understood that with the kind of company that Hotchner ran , there were those who were upset . He knew that he was ruthless in getting what he wanted and didn 't take no for answer . The only thing that he didn 't do to get what he wanted was something illegal . He always stayed on the right side of the law . It was one of the things that had made him willing to marry him . He hadn 't expected an elaborate plan to get him into bed though . The cabbie dropped him off and Spencer found that a dealer was waiting on him . It was just a few signatures for him as well as a copy of his license and then he was good . He had the keys to his new car in his hand . Spencer laughed as he looked at his car for the first time . It had a violet colored paint job on it . He wondered exactly how Jennifer had found it . " We had a customer who had ordered it and before she got to drive it she was in a wreck and was unable to drive due to being paralyzed . We bought the car back from her at the same cost she paid . We were about to ship it off to New York when your Miss Jareau called . She paid full price for it . She said it was perfect for you . " The dealer said to him . Spencer got inside at the same time that another text came through from Jennifer . He read it before he pulled off the lot . MIT was ready for him . She said that he had several classes still open and the option to audit quite a few more . He slipped his phone under his leg so he could feel it vibrate . He was sick of being in a vehicle after spending over two days in one but he knew that he 'd be in his house that night , and he was going to stay there if he had to get a sleeping bag . It was weeks until class was starting so he had time to get the house how he wanted . The phone vibrated just as he was pulling onto campus . He ignored it for the moment . There weren 't a lot of cars near the business office so he parked as close as he could get . He fished his wallet out of his backpack and prepared to sign his name so much that he was sure his hand was going to fall off . It wasn 't hard to find who he needed to talk to as she looked really excited when she saw him . It took four hours to escape her clutches and he found that all of the classes he was interested were not full , whether that was because they wanted him in them so they made room or whether they really were empty he 'd never know . But he was happy to have a full schedule . He 'd have enough time for classes and not much of anything else . Enough to keep his mind off of Hotchner . Bed and kitchen equipment / supplies will be delivered between eight and nine . There is a store two blocks over that you have an account already set up with to get groceries . They will deliver . Spencer didn 't have to wait long before he felt the vibration of the phone under his leg . With the use of the GPS on the car he found the realtors office and had his keys in hand before he replied back . He 'd make sure to get a map of the city as soon as he could so that he wouldn 't have to rely on the GPS after that day . Since the house was in his name , he 'd had a lot of paperwork to sign and while he was used to West Coast time , he was wearing down after spending days on the bus . He decided to order a pizza for him to eat for dinner once he got home . He unlocked the front door and sighed as he closed it . He was home alone and there was no reason to not be allowed to break down . The realtor said that the transfer from their name to his wouldn 't bother his utilities . He 'd have running hot and cold water and air conditioning for the future , as long as he paid his bills . He was fairly certain that Jennifer would set them up for auto withdrawal from some account of Hotchner 's . Spencer was sitting on the bench when his phone vibrated and didn 't stop . He forgot he still had it on silent . He didn 't recognize the number but it was seven on the dot his time so he figured it was Jack . " It is . They have really cool robotic classes and doing the long distance stuff just wasn 't enough . I 'm sorry that you didn 't get to say goodbye but I 'll have a computer set up here soon and we can talk as much as you want . " Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat . He wasn 't going to cry with the boy on the phone . He pulled his last bottle of water out of his backpack and sipped at it . Jack hadn 't been told about the relationship just that they were unsure of what they were , and that had come from Spencer 's own mouth , not Hotchner 's . He hadn 't been ready to name what they were besides dating . He wasn 't going to crush the boy 's hopes of love in the future because his father was a horrible man . " It 's long distance , Jack . And people who are dating don 't like to go long periods of time without seeing each other . I 'm sure he was upset . " " Then why did you leave ? Dad loves you ! " How did you explain to a child that that his father didn 't love him ? Spencer wasn 't even going to touch it . Spencer couldn 't answer . He hung up and before the tears falling down his face clouded his eyes to where he couldn 't see , he texted to Jennifer to have her tell Jack he was sorry but that he just can 't talk about it . He got back a short affirmation and then he dropped his phone . He didn 't answer it at all when Jack called back . When the store people brought his bed along with bed clothes and kitchen things , he directed them where he wanted everything but when they left , he didn 't go to bed . He moved back to the empty living room and curled back on the bench . He pulled his sweater out of his backpack and used it as a blanket and slept there . Spencer stopped as he looked at the letter addressed to him with a handwritten address . He 'd never seen the writing before but he just knew who it was from . The address was the mansion . He wanted to throw it away but he didn 't . It had been two weeks and it was a week before classes were to start . The front door was open and he shut it behind him . There wasn 't anything that needed his attention so he dropped down onto the kitchen chair that he 'd been at before . His laptop open with his reading lists for class pulled up . Several of the texts he 'd read months before but there were more that he needed to read . He wanted to have it all read before classes started . The laptop was pushed back as he carefully opened the letter . The envelope was thick material and so was the paper the letter was wrote on . He wondered exactly what words Hotchner used to explain himself . He didn 't know what exactly what had been said to Jack but the boy had called back the next day and hadn 't brought it up again . Spencer was shocked the letter was handwritten but he knew that Hotchner had done it because it matched his signature . I want to start this off with how sorry I am . I never meant for it to go that far without telling you the truth . And I know I promised I wouldn 't contact you but I couldn 't wait any longer . That first day with Jack , I was so shocked to see Jack having fun and then when you introduced yourself , I was just as shocked . There was a single reason that I didn 't tell you who I was that day and it was Jack . I could tell by the way you spoke that you didn 't like me . I could understand why . I wasn 't a very good man to you before that day . I have no reason to give for how you were treated in the year following our marriage . I can 't explain it even to myself and it make sense . I watched you with Jack , before moving to where you could see me , and I saw that you genuinely cared about him and I just figured that if you found out he was my son , you would hate him as well . I did it all for Jack and I know that doesn 't forgive what comes after but I was attracted to you from the moment I saw you . Jennifer gave me a file on you after talking to Emily Prentiss . Then Jennifer offered you a package that I would have turned down but you did it because of your mother . I loved once and it broke me . My home life as a child was horrible and I wanted to hate you that you were willing to go into a marriage in name only and live with my rules to give your mother the best chance . I knew who you were the second I stepped into the library and saw you there . I lied about that but I can 't be sorry for it . The two months that we had , I wouldn 't change them for anything . Even if you never forgive me . Even if we never see each other outside of divorce court in nine years , I 'll never trade those two months . I don 't even know if you are reading this letter or you threw it away as soon as you figured out it was from me . The only staff member that knew anything about what I was doing was Dave . He kept my secret while trying to get me to tell the truth . He wasn 't doing it to be mean . I 've known Dave most of my life and he was trying to look out for me . If you choose to come back to the mansion to visit with Jack on weekends , I 'll make sure that I am gone for the length of the visit or I will just stay in my wing . Jack misses you a lot and I would do anything to make him happy . Spencer wasn 't sure what to think about the letter . He read it over again , even though he didn 't need to . He looked at the clock . It was just after eight in the morning there . Jack would be in with his tutors already . Spencer fingered his phone that was sitting beside him . He was tempted to call Hotchner . He couldn 't tell from the letter if he was truthful or not . There was no tone that told him one way or another . His words sounded sincere but there was something else there as well . He didn 't know what to do . He picked up the phone and dialed before he could change his mind . " Spencer . " Hotchner stopped and waited but Spencer said nothing . He just breathed into the phone and thought to himself that he was acting a little creepy . He just didn 't know what to say . " Jennifer said you liked the house . " " Yes . " Spencer wanted to say more but if he did , he 'd spill it all . He 'd not stop and he wanted to hear Hotchner say it all . He needed to hear the words from his mouth to be able to believe them . " Then I 'll start . I never wanted you to find out that way . I tried had to bring it up just before but you distracted me and I gave in . I didn 't try all that hard really . Then afterwards , Jennifer bust in just as I was starting to say it . I said we had something that we needed to talk about . And then she came in and you freaked out and I understand exactly why you left . I do . I wouldn 't have stayed either . Thinking that everyone was lying to you , helping me lie to you . That you were a joke . Jennifer read me the riot act and at the moment I am glad that Morgan isn 't my doctor because he 's probably let me die . " Hotchner stopped to take a breath . He inhaled and exhaled and Spencer could hear how shaky his breath was . " Dave feels like crap and he 's taking it out on me by making food that you like . Like the pasta . Every other night is pasta . And the only coffee being served to me is your favorite . He 's a jerk . " Hotchner snorted . " I did . I did hire him because he is a fantastic cook . He 's also a jerk . " A sigh sounded down the line . " I 'm a jerk , too . Every time that I opened my mouth to tell you , you 'd look at me or say something and I 'd get scared . I was scared of this . I was scared of having you look at me like you looked that first time you call me Lord Hotchner . That I 'd lose you because of how I 'd treated you . And I know it wasn 't fair . That I knew exactly who you were and you never knew who I was . I don 't know exactly how many times I can say I was scared and for you to believe it . " " I love you . " The words were soft and Spencer almost missed them . He covered the receiver on the phone and just sat there , breathing in and out and trying not to hyperventilate . There was such an aching sadness in those words . And truth . He could slowly forgive man for his idiocy . He loved his son and Spencer believed that his love of his son was the start of it all . " I can take a day or two . Jennifer can run things and I 'm a phone call away . I want to see what you did with the house . I want to see you . " " Aaron . " Spencer said the word like it was a chastisement . He wanted it as well . He wanted it so bad . He tried to make his voice firm but he couldn 't . " I know you picked out the house for me . " " I was looking at property online as soon as we figured out where you were going and I saw the pictures of the living room and knew it was the place for you . I could just see you on the bench reading . Let me come there and see you sitting on the bench reading . " " Okay , " Spencer whispered . They had a lot to work out and it would be best to work on it together in the same place instead of over the phone . He looked at his reading list . He had time and even with Aaron there with him , he 'd be able to read a book or two a day . " But I need the weekend . You are gone Friday night or Saturday morning . " " I 'm coming to you or you are coming to me every weekend . I can buy that jet that Jennifer 's been wanting me to get . I have the big one that we use but sometimes it 'd be nice to have a smaller one that just for my use , and some staff to go home and visit family . Or my husband to come and see me . " " Yes . " Spencer didn 't comment on the husband comment . He just let Aaron bask in whatever he was feeling . His own mind went to the room that was on the second floor that he hadn 't done a thing with . He 'd piled the other with the boxes of things that Jennifer had shipped to him across the country . His clothes there were for California weather but in Massachusetts it was going to get cold in winter . He needed heavier things . That had prompted another shopping trip that he hadn 't wanted to do but knew that he needed to . He 'd packed up the lighter things into different boxes for summer use and those were in that room but the third room was empty . " Maybe you can help me get a room set up for Jack ? " " Yes . He 'd like that . To come and visit you . With the jet , I 'd be able to send him without sending Jennifer with him . " There were noises floating over the line on Aaron 's end . Aaron . It was going to take time to get used to calling him that . He heard muffled talking and then Jennifer 's voice . He couldn 't make out what was being said but the noise suddenly stopped . " My schedule is clear for week and I 'll be there as soon as I can . If I don 't get off here , I am not going to be ready for my flight . " " I mean it . I need to go . I 'll be there as soon as I can . Jennifer will have a car pick me up and drop me off at your place . I have the address , obviously . I have to go . I love you ! " Aaron hung up before Spencer could say it back . Spencer looked around his kitchen . Things were clean but he hadn 't put anything up after doing dishes . He put everything up and made a mental list of food items that he needed to pick up . He 'd only ever eaten dinner with him and a quick lunch that he 'd brought in one weekend afternoon with Jack . He had no clue what the man ate for breakfast . He had no clue if he could cook . Spencer let himself freakout for a few minutes while he made the list in his mind . He 'd rather get too much of something than not have it on hand . He moved to his bedroom next , making sure his clothes were all put up . He tended to let the clean clothes pile on top of his dresser rather than put them up but he made himself do it . Once he had his house in a condition that he cared to let the other man see it in , he worked on groceries . Milk , pop , juice , and even some flavored water were added to the cart as he had no clue what he drank . He went for twelve packs of the pop , four different kinds . By the time that he left the grocery store , he 'd bought more food than he 'd ever done before and his trunk was packed as well as his backseat . It took many trips for him to get it all inside and a long while before he had it all put up . But his cabinets were fuller than he 'd ever had them in his life , including when he 'd lived with his mother . He 'd stayed up late reading books the night before and had an early morning appointment at MIT to meet with a professor . So he was tired . He set an alarm on his phone for an hour and laid down on his bed for a nap . He slipped off his glasses , having been wearing them at the house more than his contacts . Spencer woke up gradually . He was warm and relaxed and felt better than he had in awhile . He was asleep on his side which he was little shocked at because he never slept on his side . He slept on his stomach , usually buried in the blankets . He tried to roll onto his back but found that he was trapped . He must have got himself wrapped in the blankets . He tried to wiggle his arm free but just as he was getting it free , what he thought was a blanket behind him moved . He wanted to freak out but he was fairly certain that it was Aaron . It smelled like Aaron now that he was awake enough . He got his hand and arm free , using it to turn on the light . " Don 't , " Aaron said as he buried his head into the back of Spencer 's head . Spencer turned it back off and tried to figure out why Aaron was in his bed . There was light coming in from outside enough to see around the room without the light on . " Jennifer got me on a direct into New York and I hopped a smaller to here . I knocked and you did answer and then I called and you still didn 't . I borrowed Jennifer 's set of keys to the house without her knowing . I wasn 't going to use them but you weren 't answering . Then I found you asleep here on the bed . " " We are both fully clothed and you fell asleep without a blanket on you . I 'm warming you up . " Aaron 's arm moved and his hand captured Spencer 's and that was when Spencer felt something weird on his hand . He brought his hand up and Aaron 's moved with it . There on his ring finger was a wedding band . As well as a matching one on Aaron 's finger . " Jennifer had your size before I decided that I didn 't want to wear a ring . I had a little wait in New York before the smaller flight so I found a nice jewelers . Do you like it ? " " Aaron … " Spencer looked at it . It had to be platinum but otherwise it was plain . It was something that he would wear but he wasn 't sure about it . The feeling of being married wasn 't there before but now it was . Which was crazy because he had been married before . " Jack found out about the marriage . He plays soccer with a league of homeschooled kids and one of them brought up that his father was married to another man . Jack was more than a little upset . He thought I was cheating on you . I had to sit down and explain it all . How I 'd married someone without loving them . That the marriage was in name only . Then I explained how I 'd never even met the man I married . Jack was horrified . He demanded that I stop being mean to him . I told him that was why you left . Because you found out that I was your husband and I didn 't have the decency of telling you . Once he 'd digested it all , he found it quite funny that I fell in love with a man I was already married to . You have this weekend and the next before I can 't put him off anymore . Before I will have to put him on a plane to you or have you kidnapped by Morgan and brought home . " Aaron pulled him in closer , molding their bodies together . His head dropped back to Spencer 's neck and he sighed again . " You and Jack can come here . I 'm sure you 'll have a jet and a pilot before then . Thank you for the two weekends . I 'll need them to get settled in with no distractions . " Spencer looked at the ring again . The ring didn 't change anything other than showing that Aaron was serious . He was serious about them . Serious about what he had with him . He smiled as he looked at it . " You very much are . " Spencer tried to wiggle free but Aaron 's arms had a tight hold on him . He didn 't want to get away , just play . Aaron 's arm that was still around his stomach , tightened further and he knew he was trapped . Aaron hauled him backwards , towards the center of the bed before he threw the blanket off of them . Before Spencer knew it he was on his back with Aaron over him . " Aaron . " Spencer propped himself up on his elbows so he could lean in for a kiss . " Aaron . I love you , Aaron . " His husband met him in a passionate kiss that Spencer knew was leading to something more . He was just thankful he grabbed lube at the store . He hadn 't grabbed condoms though . He was wholly okay with that . Hours later , the sun was setting and Spencer was reading one of his texts . He was on the bench seat in the living room dressed only in a t - shirt and it wasn 't one of his own . It was the one that Aaron had been wearing when he arrived . Aaron was only in his jeans and every single time that he passed the doorway , Spencer looked at him . It was very distracting for his reading . His hair dripped water onto his arm he 'd not dried it as well as he thought he had and was too lazy to go up into the bathroom and take a towel to it again . Aaron walked back down the hall again , out of sight but not out of hearing range . He figured as a businessman that Aaron knew at least a language or two but he hadn 't realized that French was one of them . Abandoning his book as he heard the phone call wrapping up , Spencer moved towards the doorway . He waited until he heard nothing and then he waited until Aaron was almost to him before he moved . He kissed his husband as his hands worked at the button on his jeans . As soon as he had it open , he dropped to his knees . Aaron 's hand grabbed his hair and tilted his face up . " Sucking cock . " Spencer said before he used his grip on the other man 's hips to pull him in . If he couldn 't move his head , he 'd move the cock to him . Aaron was already half hard by the time that he licked at the head of the cock . The hand in his hair relented and he was able to take the cock into his mouth . This he had done before . He worked him to full hardness before he pulled off to lick at his balls . Aaron moaned and the hand in his hair tightened , keeping him right there . He sucked a ball into his mouth and applied just a little pressure to the cock with a hand . When he felt the tug he pulled back and took the hard organ back into his mouth . He worked him until he was sure that he was used to it again before he tilted his head a little and took him all the way in . Aaron 's entire body jerked as he swallowed around the head and took the cock into his throat . Learning to suck cock had been fun for him . Drunken fumblings before he was allowed to drink with other students around his age . They hadn 't wanted to worry about condoms so all of them got tested and then smashed . " Spence , " Aaron panted as Spencer felt him shift . He looked up to see Aaron looking down at him . It wasn 't long before his husband was trying to pull back but Spencer grabbed his hips again to keep him place as he came . He swallowed every single drop and made sure to clean up Aaron before he let the cock pop from his mouth . The other man hauled him up , kissing him , chasing the taste of himself in Spencer 's mouth as he walked him backwards . His body didn 't stop until he was shoved down onto the bench . Aaron pulled the t - shirt off of him and dropped to his knees , forcing Spencer 's knees apart . Aaron didn 't play around at all , he took Spencer 's hard cock fully into his mouth . Spencer screamed in shock seconds before he tried to brace himself to make sure he didn 't fall back into the window . He grabbed an edge of the shelves with one hand and then the back of Aaron 's head with the other . " Aaron . " Spencer knew he wasn 't going to last long . He 'd been half hard since Aaron had started to speak in French . He felt a brush of a finger at his hole and then upward it went pressing on his perineum . That pushed him over . He came with a loud cry as Aaron held his hips down on the bench . Once Spencer had nothing left , Aaron pulled him down into his lap , wrapping his arms around him and kissing him again . Spencer shivered at the taste of himself and of Aaron mixing as their tongues tangled . " Is this what a honeymoon is supposed to be like ? " " Pretty much . Nakedness , sex , laughter , and love . Now that my business is handled let 's go see about ordering in . I want you naked for as long as possible . " Aaron 's hand wandered down to his ass and pinched . Spencer reacted by slapping his upper arm with the back of his hand . He looked at Aaron 's face to see happiness there . His eyes were so expressive and as long as he could see in them , he 'd know he was loved . It wasn 't conventional but it worked for them . They were in love and for Spencer it was all that mattered . 2 thoughts on " The Billionaire and the Forgotten Husband " angelicinsanity says : March 2 , 2016 at 21 : 41 I loved this . I had a feeling it was Hotch when Maddox first appeared . A part of me wanted Spencer to punish him a little more . I am not nice sometimes . lol Reply DarkJediQueen says : March 2 , 2016 at 21 : 43 I 'm glad you loved it . Yeah , I had a choice cause if Spencer would have punished him more , I wouldn 't have had it done for rivermoon 's birthday . Right now Maddox is my fave middle name for Hotch . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! 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Tag Archives : Cape Town Cape Town 2017 : Day 3 Every morning when we woke up , the first thing we 'd do was look outside the big glass windows ( the ones that stretched from one end of the apartment to the other ) in search of the sun . Would we finally be able to go up Table Mountain ? No . Sunday was not the day . We were a little lazy that morning and decided to make it a lazy day . Premsheela wanted to go back to Boulders Beach in Simon 's Town to see the penguins but I really wasn 't keen on driving all the way back there , since we had just passed through Simon 's Town the previous day . We still had to go to the winelands , and Sophia and my high school friend Priscilla wanted to get together that day . Sophia was in constant contact with me that day because we really wanted to spend some time together , given that me visiting her in Cape Town was so long overdue , and the previous night didn 't work out . Just thinking about what I 'm going to say about it in the next few paragraphs is making me smile . But I 'll get to that in a bit . Although it was a dull day , the sun peeped out now and then and it wasn 't actually cold . We embraced the fact that there was no wind either by wearing light clothes . The drive to Constantia was fun - Premsheela had opened a massive slab of Kit - Kat , which my trusty co - driver Surbhi handed to me . That , and chips . I found it very odd having chocolate and chips at 10 in the morning , but I figured stuff it , I 'm on holiday . And with Premsheela there , I expected nothing less . The GPS took us into the middle of Constantia , which wasn 't exactly where I had in mind , but I knew we weren 't far off from where I wanted to be - Groot Constantia . Constantia is probably the most beautiful suburb in Cape Town as the majority of the homes are Dutch style . The streets are lined with trees and are immaculate . It actually reminded me of Bavaria a little , particularly Schwangau , the area around Neuschwanstein Castle . When we got to Groot Constantia , the guard at the entrance asked where we were going . I said something stupid like " We 're just going to walk around a little " , and he gave me a brochure saying we could go have lunch at the restaurant . I said it was a good idea and that we 'd probably do that , knowing full well we weren 't actually going to do that . I was hungry though . There was ample parking so I had no trouble finding a spot . We walked around a little enjoying the peace and quiet of the vineyards . The grape trees carried on for as far as the eye could see , and the roads were lined with white and red rose bushes . After dodging the occasional car for our " road trip " photos , we found what appeared to be a park with rolling grass steps . Only , the steps were large and quite steep . We could have walked around them , but we were with Premsheela , so of course we had to climb . Surbhi and I found spots that weren 't as steep so we could walk up on our two feet rather than on all fours like Premsheela . Surbhi was just as amusing too , as she was taking so many baby steps so that she could stay upright . I couldn 't help but giggle . The entire time , I was having an argument in my head as to whether or not to go to Boulders Beach , because on one hand I didn 't want to drive all the way back there , but on the other hand , I didn 't want Premsheela to leave South Africa not having seen the penguins in the one place you can see them here . I try to live my life without regrets , so I didn 't want to be the one stopping Premsheela from seeing something she might never see again . It just wouldn 't have been fair . * The reason I mentioned us using Premsheela 's phone for taking selfies on the wet grass is because while we were on our way to the Waterfront , her phone decided to crash . It required a factory reset , so we basically lost all the photos she had taken and sitting on that wet grass for so long was for nothing . The photos I posted above are ones that she had sent out to other friends , thankfully , so we got those back . It was already closing on 12pm and time was of the essence , so after taking a quick walk to the wine cellar and having a look around ( I know , a total fail considering where we were ) , we left for Boulders Beach , much to Premsheela 's delight . Constantia is pretty much half way between the city and Boulders Beach , so the fact that I had already driven half the distance and only had 30 minutes more to go made my decision easier . Premsheela offered to sing for me to show her appreciation , but when I refused ( knowing how ridiculous it would be ) , she offered her most prized possession instead : chocolate . I couldn 't help but laugh , and started on the drive to Boulders Beach . We had to go up the winding road over the mountain again , and this time the views were much better because the sky was relatively clear . We reached Boulders Beach just before 1pm ; a good time . We paid special attention to the signage in Simon 's Town this time and it was evident that there weren 't clear enough signs for us to have noticed it the previous day . I felt slightly better . There was a wooden walkway on either side of the small ticket kiosk - we assumed the left side was for people exiting the premises and the right was the entrance , but it turned out that there was no set direction . It was R40 each if I remember correctly , which I thought was quite reasonable . It as only a matter of minutes before we spotted the first penguin . We were surprised to see them that far away from the water , waddling underneath such thorny bushes . I don 't know if penguins are usually that chilled or whether they 're just used to seeing people around , but it was as if some of them were posing for photos . After a while we came to what appeared to be an " official entrance " to the actual beach , and there was a long queue . We were confused because we had already paid for our tickets and weren 't sure whether this was something else or not . I stood a little out of the line trying to see who was being let through the entrance separate to the one people were queuing in front of , but I was too far to make out clearly . I purposely stood with my right hand visible - the one which was holding our tickets - and it worked in alerting one of the staff who gestured for us to proceed passed the queue . Thankfully we were only in the queue for a few minutes . One we got through the gate , we were met with an open area where we could see the whole beach . There were dozens of penguins walking around , and what I enjoyed just as much as the view was the weather : there was barely even a breeze despite the fact that we were right on the beach , and it wasn 't cold either . I know I keep mentioning the weather when it came to this trip , but winter is a funny time of year in Cape Town and it 's practically a miracle for it to be dry and not cold , so we took what we could get . When we walked back to the parking lot , we came across a souvenir shop as well as a coffee shop / restaurant which was above it . We thought we could get something to eat take away , but Surbhi and I decided to settle for a cup of coffee while Premsheela browsed around the shop . We went upstairs , ordered 2 cappuccinos , and waited patiently while Surbhi took photos of the random ocean - themed decorations around the restaurant . What was nice about being with Surbhi and Premsheela was that they really were tourists , and I remembered how I am when I 'm in a foreign country where I find interesting what a local would normally overlook . We got our coffee and went back downstairs to meet Premsheela , and she was still choosing what she wanted . I didn 't blame her because there were dozens of miniature penguins to choose from and all were so cute . I was actually quite tired and a little cold , so I waited on the benches outside . I think the girls thought I was still mad about coming to Boulders Beach , but I was actually just a little preoccupied . We were there for another 15 - 2o minutes while they choose what they wanted . I didn 't want to rush them at all - they are never going to go there again . I was keeping Sophia up to date regarding our whereabouts , so informed her as soon as we were leaving . She was at the Waterfront with her mom so there was no rush to get to her since they had no plans for the rest of the day , and she asked me to call when I was close to the city so she could tell us exactly where she was . I did exactly that and found that she was in the Zara at the mall at the Waterfront . We parked where we had done so on the Friday , and walked over to the mall . It looked exactly how I remembered it from 9 years ago , and I felt a little nostalgic . I walked through Zara while Surbhi and Premsheela went to answer nature 's call . I couldn 't find Sophia or her mom anywhere and figured they were in the change rooms , so I went back outside to wait for the girls . Upon their return , I called Sophia and she said that they were indeed in the change rooms and were now paying . We walked back into the shop and there she stood , in the queue with her mom . I can 't quite describe just how happy I feel when I see or even speak to Sophia . She is definitely my most beloved friend . The warmth with which both Sophia and her mom greeted not only me , but Surbhi and Premsheela with , is something I don 't think any of us will forget . After Sophia was done paying , we headed to Gucci ( if I remember correctly ) to get a jacket for Sophia 's cousin from Australia . They didn 't have it , and after Sophia 's mom complained about the price of the tiny underwear ( it was like R700 for a pair ) , we left . I had already told Sophia at least 2 hours prior to meeting about how little Premsheela eats and that we were starving , so as the 2 of us walked ahead of the girls and Sophia 's mom , she gave me some options on where to go so that we could all eat something . I didn 't need to worry about Surbhi at all , but Premsheela was another story . I couldn 't let her go a full day without eating at least one decent meal . I found myself occasionally turning back to check on whether or not the girls were comfortable enough walking alone with Sophia 's mom , and it was evident that they were . Surbhi smiled back at me as a reassurance , and Sophia told me not to worry because her mom loves people from India . It was as if I had introduced the girls to my own family - I loved it . As we walked to a familiar part of the Waterfront and headed towards the food market , we finally got our first clear view of Table Mountain . Surbhi remembered the big yellow frame we had seen from afar on Friday and asked if we could take a photo there . Sophia assured us that we 'd be passing it , so we stopped there when we did . I think what I enjoyed the most was the fact that we were in no hurry at all at this point - it was just a chilled afternoon with people I adore . Photos done , we headed for the food market where Sophia proceeded to give us a full tour of every stall in the entire place . We were mostly focused on where the girls could eat , and Sophia pointed out her favourite places for both veg and non - veg while her mom guarded a table for us patiently downstairs . The market has a balcony - like area upstairs with a handful of stalls - there was an Indian stall there that served dosas , so it was perfect for the girls . I asked Sophia which stall was her favourite , and she pointed it out to me so I got exactly what she recommended - a pulled lamb flatbread . It really was amazing so I 'm glad I went for it . I went to fetch the girls from upstairs but their dosas weren 't ready . I told them where we were sitting which was literally at the bottom of the stairs , and they agreed to meet us back there . I feel very happy when I see people eating , so when they came down with their food , I couldn 't help but smile at them , especially Premsheela who pretty much doesn 't eat . Sophia and her mom were the most pleasant of hosts too , and I still felt like I was sitting with family . After all , Sophia and I have been best friends for 20 years , so listening to her mom talking to friends who , in comparison , I had only just met , made me feel very proud . After we had what was left of Sophia 's Nutella and banana waffle which she insisted we taste , it was time to say bye . Sophia 's mom 's flight was at 6 : 30pm the following day , and ours was at 6pm , so we were pretty sure we would see each other one last time at the airport . I really hoped we would , cos that would be awesome . As we said our goodbyes , my high school friend Priscilla informed me that she was on her way to meet us . Considering I had last seen her 15 years ago , I was pretty excited . Since Premsheela and I had left our jackets in the car , we decided to use the 20 or so free minutes that we had to go back to the car to fetch them before Priscilla arrived . However , since it was dusk , everything was just so damn beautiful , and the tablecloth ( i . e . the clouds ) was coming over the Table Mountain , so we couldn 't help but stop to take more photos . By the time we were done wandering around the area , Priscilla had arrived and since we were near the ferris wheel , I suggested that as the meeting spot . When I spotted her , she screamed with delight and we obviously hugged each other . But not just once … I actually don 't know how many times . It was a super happy moment seeing her after that long and I think we were both in slight disbelief that that much time had passed . It was insane . Priscilla walked with us to the car so we could get our jackets , all the time trying to catch up on what the other has been doing for the last decade and a half . There was so much to say that we had to try to summarize everything , but at the same time it was as though no time had passed . I was glad that I had told her I was coming to Cape Town and will be forever grateful for the fact that she made a plan to meet us at such short notice . I think real friends are the ones who make time in their diary for you ; even though she had a full weekend planned , she still managed to squeeze in some time to spend with us . We had all eaten so we decided just to have coffee somewhere . Priscilla suggested Quay 4 , a restaurant adjacent to the water . We choose a table right next to the railing so we got an amazing view of the Waterfront . The amusing part of the evening , apart from Premsheela 's insanity , was the seagulls . There were several times where we thought they were going to fly straight into us , but somehow we managed to dodge them . We spent a little over an hour at Quay 4 not only catching up but also talking about our current lives , both personally and professionally . It was funny how much we could relate to each other , and I 'm not just talking about Priscilla and I . What was good was that the girls got along with her too - the defining moment was without a doubt when she described how the wind hits you in Cape Town . I wish I had caught that on video but Priscilla , you really made our day with that face . Poor Priscilla had to go to work the next day , so we had to leave fairly early . After we finally got the waiter 's attention ( we thought he had gone all the way to the paper mill to manufacture the paper with which to print the bill on ) , we paid and left . Priscilla had taken an Uber to meet us since she doesn 't have a car ( she doesn 't need one thanks to Cape Town 's fabulous public transport system called My City , which works like London 's Oyster card ) , so she walked us to the entrance of the parking lot where we said our goodbyes . I 'm so glad we met up , Priscilla . You were one of the few genuine people I knew from high school that I wouldn 't hesitate to hang out with again . You 've not changed a single bit , and I hope you never do ! The girls and I headed back to the apartment , pretty tired , but feeling good . That night , after watching some random music videos and some episodes of Full House , we decided to watch Queen , a Bollywood film about a girl whose fiance dumped her right before the wedding which prompted her to go on her honeymoon to Europe alone . I love that movie because she kind of reminded me of my first solo trip which was also to Europe , and I could relate to her character because of that . After watching Queen , we headed to bed . But we didn 't sleep because Surbhi and I had so much to talk about . It was also still too early for Premsheela who proceeded to watch more Full House on what sounded like full volume . Surbhi and I were eventually at the point of wanting to actually sleep , but we couldn 't because of the TV volume . Surbhi then decided to do something about it . Cape Town 2017 : Day 2 It was obvious from the noise of the TV that Premsheela was awake around 5 that Saturday morning , but until Surbhi woke up and went to the lounge to find out what Premsheela was doing , I didn 't realize she was awake too . Premsheela was already watching more Full House , and complained that we sleep too much . Surbhi argued that we 're normal people that need 8 hours of sleep , then came back to snooze . It was definitely going to be an entertaining few days . There are so many gorgeous beaches and viewpoints on the way from the city to the Cape of Good Hope that we couldn 't help but stop somewhere - just before Simon 's Town . We just wanted to take a few pictures , but Premsheela went all the way down to the water and decided to take off her shoes . Surbhi and I eventually gave in and decided to join her . We ended up spending at least an hour playing around in the ice cold water of the Atlantic . The water was so cold that my feet felt as though I was being stabbed with hot daggers . We got to the Cape of Good Hope around midday and hiked all the way up to the lighthouse rather than taking the funicular . Premsheela marched ahead of us - I think her energy comes from all that chocolate she eats . She really is a chocolate queen . We wanted to take a group selfie with the lighthouse in the background , but as you can see , she was already too far ahead to even hear us properly . If you 've ever been to Cape Point , you 'd know that it is insanely windy . I think I spent as much time trying to control my hair as I did doing that climb . Of course , even when we only had one shot at a photo of all 3 of us with Cape Point in the background , my hair couldn 't give a damn . After admiring the views from the lighthouse , Surbhi wanted to take the Lighthouse Keeper 's Trail which is a path that takes you along a sheer cliff - face below the old , more well - known lighthouse , to the new one which Surbhi 's head is blocking in the above photo . I wasn 't too sure about doing it because of the time and also because the sign said it was a 1 . 5 hour hike there and back . After a little thought I decided to do it because I figured we 'd never come there again , at least not together , and I hadn 't done it before either . I let the girls go ahead as I stopped to take photos . Many times . The path was on the right side of the cliff because there was absolutely no wind at all . It was absolutely silent , and all we could see was False Bay below us and the Cape Peninsula encompassing it . It was other - worldly . The hike back up was … challenging . But everyone knows I my fitness levels are in the negative , so it shouldn 't be surprising . It wasn 't that bad though , I just stopped here and there to breathe and I was fine after that . Premsheela wanted to walk back down whereas Surbhi wanted to take the funicular just so she could experience it . She 's like me in more ways than one , and this was just another example of how similar we are . I totally understood her desire to go on it , and I myself wanted to use it too cos I really had had enough of the wind . Premsheela carried on down the same path we had climbed earlier , and Surbhi and I went to find out the cost of the tickets for the funicular . When the guy told us the price , we weren 't impressed as it was just one way and didn 't really want to spend more money unnecessarily . When we turned to leave , he told us he 'd do us a favour and charge us only for one ticket , as long as we gave him the money discreetly . We figured we 'd take up the opportunity because heck , why not ? He then opened the " special entrance " for us and let us through , bypassing all the other people who were queuing . I think he felt bad when he saw our expressions after hearing the price - it was very kind of him . I felt good knowing that someone local had been s0 kind to us , especially to my foreign friend . I was the designated driver since the girls don 't know how to drive ( yet ) , so I couldn 't eat . Surbhi is without a doubt the best passenger I 've had . When we were on our way to Cape Point in the morning , she held out a handful of chips for me to take from , and when we left for Hout Bay after getting our muffins , she broke pieces off of it so that I could just grab it without having to struggle or even look away from the road . She did the same with pieces of chocolate too . It 's the little things . Thanks Surbhi . Hout Bay is around 40 minutes back towards the city from Cape Point and we headed straight for it . I didn 't actually know what we were going to do apart from enjoying Chapman 's Peak drive and the views of Hout Bay itself . I was also hoping to have some fish from Mariner 's Wharf , the local restaurant in the harbour , but I wasn 't sure if I would be able to since both girls are vegetarian and I would have felt bad to have something non - vegetarian . I didn 't say anything about it though . Minutes after we arrived at the Hout Bay harbour , Surbhi asked if I want to have the fish . I was surprised because it was as if she had read my mind . I said yes , but that we should walk around a little . We really thought it was going to rain because there were threatening clouds behind us . In fact , there was a different weather pattern in every direction we turned , so we basically just followed the light . After taking in the views and a bunch of silly selfies ( we went a little mad at one point ) , we started walking back until Surbhi again asked if I want to have the fish . I couldn 't say no , but I knew she hadn 't eaten either so asked if they would both sit down and have at least some chips with me . They actually just wanted to play in the water again , so me having the fish I so wanted was the perfect opportunity for them . I didn 't mind at all , since I 'd be able to sit outside where I could see them . The fish was to die for - it was as fresh as I expected it to be . It was just battered hake , nothing fancy , and chips . Mariner 's Wharf now also makes their own craft beer called Olde Seadog Beer which is a must . I 'm glad I could give it a try because it was so worth it . If Surbhi and Premsheela weren 't real friends , I would have felt bad sitting there eating alone , but that didn 't happen even once . You can tell when people are genuine , and these two girls are . It might seem insignificant , but when a friend warmly smiles and waves at you , it says a thousand words . We didn 't spend too long in Hout Bay , probably just over an hour . I suppose we could have done more but I myself wasn 't too familiar with what the place had to offer apart from the stunning views . Anyway , I wasn 't keen on driving back at night since I wasn 't familiar with the roads . We made our way back to the city and something I just had to do was see the sunset from Camps Bay . I had done it when I was last in Cape Town in 2008 , and I just had to see it again . It 's funny , I 've never seen a sunrise in my home town of Durban , but I 've seen several sunsets in other parts of the world . My best friend Sophia suggested Punjab Wok for us to have supper at - she rates it higher than Bukhara , which is quite something considering it 's the most top rated Indian restaurant in Cape Town . Punjab Wok is near where she lives , in Century City , so she agreed to meet us there . I had been wanting to visit her in Cape Town for several years but I always ended up doing something else . I guess the time just wasn 't right . Sophia 's mom was visiting from Durban and at the last minute , Sophia had to shuffle plans around , so she could only meet us for around 10 minutes . It was fine though , the main thing was that we 'd see her and that Premsheela would eat something . We weren 't sure exactly where the restaurant was so took a few minutes trying to figure out where to park . As we were walking towards where we figured the restaurant might be , we passed one called Tiger 's Milk . Really now , why on earth would you name a restaurant Tiger 's Milk ? It looked like a really cool place though - I think I 'll give it a try next time . Once we got to the restaurant , we just ordered some starters while waiting for Sophia . She arrived full of smiles and energy only 15 or so minutes later . If there 's ever a friend who can light up a room , it 's Sophia . In the short time we spent with her , she took us through the entire menu telling us what was good ( everything , pretty much ) and asked what we had gotten up to . She asked whether we had gone to Boulders Beach to see the penguins , since we had gone to Simon 's Town . I didn 't realise at all that Boulders Beach was in Simon 's Town ( I know ) and I knew Premsheela wouldn 't stop asking for me to take her to see the penguins until I did . Sophia is a regular at Punjab Wok so when the waiter and manager came to say that they 're closing the kitchen at 9pm , she was not impressed . It was only around 8 : 30 . She firmly told them that she knows they just want to go home and that the kitchen does not close at 9 , especially when there are customers , so they must not irritate us and should let us order whenever we feel like . They agreed to close the kitchen at 9 : 30 , but even after Sophia left ( she also had a quick word with them at the counter ) , they continuously came to our table to ask whether or not we wanted to order anything more . I eventually asked the manager whether he was telling the couple in the corner the same thing because I don 't see him going to their table as often as he was coming to ours . He said that he did tell them ; he knew I was irritated . It 's one thing when you can 't get a waiter 's attention , but when he keeps coming every 5 - 7 minutes , it becomes annoying as hell . So annoying , in fact , that the 3 of us ended up hurling swear words at him in Hindi with full blown smiles on our faces . I 'm sure he thought we were complimenting him . I loved it because since there was only one ( white ) couple in the restaurant , apart from the girls , no one could understand what I was saying and I could say it at full volume . When the waiter brought the bill at 9 : 25 , Premsheela couldn 't help but ask what the chai ice cream was , just to have a final dig at him since it was close to the time that they said the kitchen is going to close . He then left the bill on our table and went back to the front desk . We told him that we were going to pay cash , but he didn 't come back . Premsheela wanted to walk out ( just to mess with them ) but Surbhi and I were scared to push it that far . We ended up just getting up and paying at the front desk . Once we went out of the door , the waiter asked us whether or not we were going to come back . I wanted to just say no and walk away , but I decided to moderate my response by saying " We don 't live here , so I doubt it " . I will probably go back at some point though , but when I 'm with Sophia . It took us longer to get home than we expected because the car 's GPS took us into some dodgy part of the city . I had a bad feeling about it when we took one of the turns , and ended up using Google Maps on my phone to get us out of there . On the way , Surbhi spotted a sign on a building that said " Cape Town " , but because of the font , it looked like " Tape Town " . Let 's just say that was Premsheela 's trigger and for the rest of the night , even till today , everything is " tape " . We are tapey girls ; that thing is tape ; that person is tape ; tape is bisexual because it 's not a straight tape . It was absolutely crazy and Surbhi and I were in stitches . Cape Town 2017 : Day 1 In 2013 , it took me only about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to take up my relative 's offer to visit her in Switzerland . Roughly 2 months later , I was on a plane . That was the least amount of time I had taken to plan , book , and go on a trip . Ever . Until now . One of my friends from India who is contracting to my company went back home on Wednesday 17 May . Because we had been so busy with the project that I 've mentioned several times in recent posts , we could not really go anywhere over the weekends . Surbhi had been saying for weeks that she wants to go to Cape Town before she leaves , but we didn 't know if or when we could make that happen . When we arrived on Friday , we got our hired car from the airport and went straight to Table Mountain . The weather was dismal and the sun was playing hide and seek with us . We were stuck in annoying traffic and realised that it was partly due to a large truck which was going at around 30km / hr . The horse part of the truck was Stuttaford Van Lines , but the trailer had transparent plastic sides . When we looked inside , there were 2 surgeons inside operating on a patient . I was totally taken aback because I made eye contact with one of the surgeons the moment that I realised what was going on . The girls were totally freaked out by it , and the fact that it was close to one of the hospitals made the whole situation even more believable . As it turned out , it was just a marketing strategy for a new movie called Bypass . The patient was a dummy , and the surgeons were just actors . Damn , they did a good job ! I hadn 't driven a manual car for at least 2 years , so I was slightly nervous driving around a city that was relatively foreign to me , especially up the windy road to Table Mountain . I felt like such an idiot when I eventually found a parking but couldn 't figure out how to put the car into reverse . Before my BMW , I drove my dad 's VW Polo , and one had to push the gear to the extreme top left to put it into reverse . I tried that several times with this car ( a Toyota Corolla ) and I just kept going forward . Eventually , I went so far forward that 2 cars were able to parallel park behind me . Eventually we just sat in the car waiting for someone to park in front of me so I could ask them . Only a minute or 2 later , a young local couple showed up , and , visibly embarrassed , I asked the guy if he could help . He chuckled and got into the car while telling me that all I needed to do was lift the top of the gear up while shifting . I had never used a gear like that before , so I didn 't feel so bad after that . It was still pretty funny though . Unfortunately , once we got to the ticket station , we were informed that cableway was closed because of the wind . We didn 't know what to do because going up the mountain was pretty much our only plan for the day . We spent a few minutes considering our options before deciding to head down to the V & A Waterfront . Even if we couldn 't do anything , we could at least enjoy the beauty of the place . We wandered around the waterfront for at least 2 hours and even considered going to the Two Oceans Aquarium so that we could be indoors and avoid the occasional drizzle and cold wind . It turned out to be a little too expensive considering we would only spend an hour or 2 there so that we 'd make it in time for check in to the guest house we booked at in Camps Bay . Despite the dull weather , we got ourselves an ice cream sandwich from a Crumbs and Cream stand right outside the aquarium . It 's never too cold for ice cream . When we eventually arrived at the guest house , there was no one to receive us . All the doors and gates were locked , and we didn 't know how to get in . I called the owner and he had forgotten that he didn 't send me an access code or directions on how to enter . It was like a puzzle getting into that place : first there was a combination lock on a box against the wall next to a gate which , when opened , gave us access to a big door key that was stuck with Prestik to the back of the box in which it was in . Then we had to use that key to unlock another box close to the ground which contained an envelop marked " Welcome pack " , inside which lay a set of keys . One of those keys opened the gate , and another the door behind it . The third key opened the door to the actual guest house . We were uncomfortable as soon as we walked in . Let 's just say the place was not at all like the pictures made it out to be . Besides it being tacky , it smelled as though the windows hadn 't been opened in months . The bathroom was a scary sight too ; it was as if we were in a jungle thanks to the blue mosaic tiles and plastic roof . We only spent around 1 . 5 hours there trying to come up with an escape plan . Long story short , we cancelled the booking and bolted out of there , only to spend the next 2 hours or so looking for an alternative within our price range on booking . com . My best friend Sophia was on the phone with me trying to help us out too , and eventually we found the perfect place titled " Convenience by the sea " . Sophia found it very amusing , but I knew it was just a description of the place as it was clearly an apartment . After securing the booking , I called Marc ( the guy letting the apartment out ) from Surbhi 's phone , and he quickly agreed to meet us there within 30 minutes . I thought it was brilliant that he 'd be available at such short notice . We found the place easily and parked in the space in front of the apartment building , next to the front door . We waited patiently in the car for a few minutes , since we were only 5 minutes away . The apartment is in Three Anchor Bay , which is an area in between Green Point and Sea Point . Barely 10 minutes later , a very good looking guy showed up at the door . He was looking at his phone so I asked Surbhi to check hers in case he was calling or messaging on it , because I was convinced that he was the guy I had spoken to on the phone . I thought that his face matched his voice . I told both girls not to stare at him because he 'd be able to see that the 3 of us were all looking at him at the same time , and it would have been creepy ! When Surbhi 's phone didn 't ring and the guy went inside , I thought I was probably wrong about who he was . A minute or two later , a petite woman entered the building . I figured it was another resident . Suddenly I noticed movement on my right so I turned to look - the same good looking guy had come out of the side entrance and was walking towards me smiling . That smile instantly confirmed that he was Marc . We all got out of the car and he introduced himself to each of us . I don 't know if it was just me , but I pretty much became like a blithering idiot because he was so insanely good looking . He said that our timing was perfect since the cleaner had just left , and the apartment had only just become available as the last guest had left that morning . He then asked if I could move the car a little to the extreme left of the parking as that was his parking . I don 't know why the girls got back into the car with me , but I wouldn 't be surprised if it was because they were just as starstruck as I was . Because there was a small gutter in between the parking and the road , I had to move the car very slowly as I was scared I was going to scrape the bumper on the road . Let 's just say I went a little too slowly and I stalled the car not once , not twice , but THREE TIMES . I wanted to kill myself ; it was without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life . When I got out of the car , I told Marc to forget what he just saw cos it was my first time driving a manual in a very long time . He chuckled pleasantly and said it 's ok and that these things happen . He was so nice . He broke our hearts seconds later when he said that his girlfriend was waiting for us upstairs . Turns out it was the woman we had seen entering the building minutes earlier . The girls and I gave each other looks of approval the moment we entered the apartment as it was not only clean and tidy , but also bright , airy , and kind on the eyes . I really don 't remember her name , but Marc 's girlfriend said that she noticed us in the car but wasn 't sure if it was us , and I said yes , we saw her and Marc too but I told the girls not to stare cos it would be creepy for all of us to be looking at them at the same time . It was quite amusing , and they were so warm that I didn 't feel embarrassed to say that . Besides , what could be more embarrassing than stalling the car 3 times in front of an audience ? Marc was also nice enough to waiver the deposit of R1500 because he said we look like decent girls so he doesn 't foresee any trouble . If you think I 'm exaggerating about how good looking he is , ladies , do yourselves a favour and google Marc Buckner . Yes , he is a model . You 're welcome . The apartment was just off a popular main road which had lots of restaurants and supermarkets too , so after getting some groceries for the next few day , we headed to Posticano , an Italian restaurant that Sophia recommended . Surbhi is a foodie so she eats anything ( vegetarian ) , but we weren 't sure what Premsheela was going to have . Long story short , Surbhi and I ate while Premsheela sat and watched us . That girl is crazy , but she did make something to eat once we got back to the apartment . Trip to Europe : Day 14 - Nice , The French Riviera 17 June 2012 . This day was going to be our chill day . Most of the people planned to spend it on the beach , but I wanted to see the place . I actually had no plans on what to do or where to go , and took my time waking up ( for a change ) and getting dressed . As long as I was on time for breakfast , I knew I 'd be good . Besides , the chances of me meeting my fellow tour people in the breakfast area was very high . After breakfast I went back to the room to get my bag , and met with Alex who had decided that she was going to use her day to chill on the beach . Before I could go I took more advantage of the free WiFi and caught up with some Facebook and Whatsapp . I love Europe for offering free WiFi in such a large number of places . I met up with Felicia , Shauna and Kelsey , the 3 Australian girls that came together , at reception , along with Alli , Paul and Driver Steve . Rachel and Adam were also there and Rachel made it clear that she had no intention of swimming that day as she didn 't like to . I thought that was odd for an Australian , but was amused by it more because of the way she said it rather than the strangeness of it . Guess I unintentionally stereotyped there . Sorry , Rach ! The girls and I were marvelling at the beauty of the place . It was almost surreal . Since we were at the start of the promenade , we already saw some people jogging and cycling , and I thought to myself that they were so lucky to have a lifestyle such as that . What a beautiful place to go for a run , and at the same time , to call it home . We stopped occasionally to take photos and it was not long at all before we got a close - up view of the ocean . I had never seen the Mediterranean before , and then I knew exactly what my mother had constantly gone on about . Mediterranean blue … . wow . After about 25 minutes of walking , while constantly looking at what people were getting up to on the beach , we spotted a significant number of people from our group . They were clearly enjoying themselves , but we were wondering why they appeared to be " falling " while in the water . It didn 't take us long to realise that the beaches are not made of sand , but rather pebbles . So obviously if you 're in the water standing on pebbles , its not stable . It was funny watching them trying to find their footing . Shauna , Felicia and Kelsey wanted to swim but not just yet , so we left the group and continued walking for a bit . We walked quite far along the promenade before coming to a whole lot of umbrellas and deck chairs . We saw a sign advertising for a chair , towel , and umbrella for € 14 . That was pretty steep , I thought . Even if it was for an entire day , how many people actually spend an entire day lying on the beach that makes € 14 worth it ? French Riviera prices , I guess . For the girls , however , that price wasn 't that bad since ( at the time ) the Australian Dollar was almost equivalent to the Euro . I don 't remember if they decided to opt for that , but I think that was about the time I decided to head off on my own . I still had no idea how to pass my time , so I continued walking for a bit , until I saw it : a hop - on - hop - off bus . The last thing I wanted to do was be a typical tourist and get on a bus like that . However , in this case , since I couldn 't make a better decision on my own and I didn 't know Nice well enough ( or rather , at all ) to know where to go and what to see , I swallowed my pride and approached the bus after studying the pricing that was marked on its side . At € 20 , it seemed like an okay price considering you could hop on and off as often as you liked . And for the French Riviera , you just have to suck it up really . As I got closer , I observed as much of the bus as I could to see if there was a fair number of people on it already . But the closer I got , the less I cared , and eventually I was at the door . There were 2 guys there , the driver , and another rather good - looking guy chatting to him . He made way for me to pass , and I paid the driver the money . The good - looking guy winked at me as he gave me an audio device with a headset and told me to " enjoy " . I grinned and ascended the short staircase so that I could sit on the top , open deck . There were 2 old couples sitting there , and a youngish guy probably in his late 30s . I greeted everyone as I walked passed them , and sat near the back . I noticed on the side of the bus , just below the railing , was a sort of guide showing which channel to tune in to on the audio device depending on the language of your choice - English , French , German , Chinese , Japanese , Italian or Dutch . After fidgeting a bit with my audio device , curios to see what the other channels would sound like , I set it back to English just as the driver started driving . I saw some rather odd architecture as we drove around , and I figured that it was probably the entrance to some museum or something . But there was no indication that that was the case . Then again , its not like I can understand French other than the odd word or two . So unless I saw the word musée , I wouldn 't have known what it was for . I still had no idea where to go and I just stayed on the bus , enjoying my time basking in the wonderful sun and breathing in the clean , refreshing air . I hardly listened to the guide , and was more in my own world just absorbing the sights around me . I didn 't want the bus ride to end , and the thought of threatening the driver to carry on driving around the entire French Riviera crossed my mind . I remember grinning to myself . The bus journey was a generous 3 hours long , which I was quite impressed by . Even though I didn 't actually hop on and off at all , I thought it was € 20 well spent . Not only did I see breathtaking views of the Mediterranean , but I also got a glimpse into people 's everyday lives there . A simple thing like people watching as they waited at a robot ( sorry , we South Africans refer to traffic lights as " robots " ) or crossed the road was so fascinating , and I looked at it as though I had never seen it before . When you go to a new place , I think its best to look at everyday things you 've even seen before with a fresh pair of eyes . We take a lot of things for granted , but I should tell you that its equally satisfying to see the way other people do things . Most times you 'll find that they do those things the same way as you do . In other instances , it may be the total opposite . Something that Steve said to us that I 'll never forget was " Its not wrong , its just different " . That is something very important to keep in mind when travelling and especially when tasting the foods of other cultures . You can 't expect the way you do things to be the same globally . That 's what makes the world so diverse , doesn 't it ? It would be so boring if everyone did everything the same way . When the bus stopped a couple hundred metres from where it had started , my only option was to jump off . Since it was only midday , I had some time to kill . I knew I had quite a walk to get back to the hotel to meet the group for the picnic up at the Chateau , so I didn 't want to waste too much time . With this in mind , I walked in the direction of the hotel , which was back east ( so the ocean was on my right ) . I thought of taking one of the side roads and get lost a bit . I have a decent sense of direction so I knew that as long as I knew where I was in relation to the ocean , I wouldn 't get lost . I walked for about 5 minutes when I came across a little shop on the side of the road , and went in to get a bottle of water . It was actually like a little cafe as it had a few small tables here and there , and there were a few people relaxing with their coffee and newspaper . I walked in and greeted a friendly - looking woman at the counter . I guess she was more friendly because I said " bonjour " and not " hello " . It helps to greet locals in their own language as a sign of respect ; they usually treat you better when you do . I had no idea if the proper French word for water is " aqua " or not , but that 's what I asked for and she pointed to it and said " oui " . I paid her about € 3 for it and nodded as I said " merci " . It helps knowing those few essential French words . Its all you need , really . After leaving the shop I continued heading east and I think I hit the jackpot with the turn that I took off the main road , as I stumbled upon a market . It was just what I needed because I was feeling a little peckish , so I knew I 'd get something to nibble on . In fact , it wasn 't the real reason I was happy to see it . I mean , look at this place . The smell I enjoyed the most was when I got to the olive stand . I love olives , so it really was a feast for my nose . I knew that as much as I love olives , it would be pointless me buying some when there was so much of my holiday still to go . I thought it would be more practical to get something that I could eat immediately . I wandered around lazily , people watching in the process , until I finally came to the cherries stand . I had eaten awesome cherries in Amsterdam , and I knew that the quality of them in Nice would be equally good . I wasn 't disappointed when I took my first bite , and my energy was renewed . When I got back to the hotel , there were a few people there , including Driver Steve , and I let him know that he should wait for me . I got to my room as quickly as I could , freshened up ( and realised how sunburned I had gotten ) and quickly went back to the lobby . Kelsey , Shauna , Felicia , Ally , Paul , Adam , Rachel , Tracy and Travis had gathered together and I was happy that that was the little group I 'd be spending the afternoon with . I knew that the chateaux wasn 't far away , but I had no idea where we 'd be getting lunch from . Driver Steve said he knew of a supermarket in town , nearby , that we could go grab some things , We didn 't have much choice but to agree cos we were all hungry and of course , didn 't know the town at all . I hoped that it wasn 't going to be a very far walk because my feet were quite sore from the walking I had just done on the back of the walking I had done the previous night in Monaco with my new leather boots which I 'd worn for the first time . As it is , my feet were already sore when I wore those because of all the walking I did in Rome just 2 days before that . We walked for about 20 - 30 minutes through the beautiful town , and I forgot that the reason why the streets were extra quiet was because it was a Sunday . Then I started thinking … are shops open in Nice on a Sunday ? My question was soon answered when we got to the entrance of the supermarket . No , they aren 't open on a Sunday . Driver Steve felt so bad cos he had made us walk all that way for nothing , and wasn 't sure what to do . Then a few of us remembered that we had passed a little shop on the way , which was very close to the hotel . It wasn 't a cafe or anything , but rather a tearoom , as we call them in South Africa i . e . a pokey little shop that sells odd grocery items , snacks and non - alcoholic drinks . I didn 't really look into the shop when we first walked passed it , but I saw enough to gather that it was a tearoom - type place , so I knew there was food there . Since it was the only place we knew of , we headed back along the same way that we had just come from . We walked in one - by - one and there was an awkward silence as we looked around . The only people in the shop were a woman and a boy of about 14 who appeared to be her son . We greeted the both of them and gathered quickly that the woman , unlike her son , spoke no English whatsoever . There wasn 't much choice to eat and drink , but there was a little deli with some hot food . Some of the guys got a beer however I chose to get a bottle of water since I knew it would last me much longer . Besides , I still wasn 't a beer drinker ( I only had 2 in my whole life , both of which happened in the previous week ) and I felt very awkward even considering buying one . We gathered round the glass that covered the hot food and one by one pointed at what we wanted so that the woman could serve us . I got myself a piece of chicken , a weird - looking omelette and a piece of baklava . It was an odd combination but I thought what the hell , that 's all that was available to eat in any case . When everyone got what they wanted , it was finally time to get to the Chateau . Steve had told us that the Chateau was actually at the top of a hill ( another name for it is actually Castle Hill ) , and if we wanted to get there we could either walk up the hundreds of stairs , or pay a small fee of around € 1 to take the lift . It is a very prominent hill in Nice and it was obvious that we were there when it rose up in front of us . We walked around it for some time , looking for the entrance . We all thought that we were going to find the lift , but Driver Steve had an evil master plan already underway : he was going to make us take the stairs . I think Rachel and I were the least thrilled when we discovered that the stairs that we were climbing just kept going on and on in a zigzag fashion , and there seemed no end in sight . Now , I am anything but fit , and my feet were already sore , so I felt like I was going to die at one point because my throat became so dry ( after passing what I hoped was half way ) , that a sharp pain developed in my throat . The sips of water I took to try to sooth it didn 't help , and my knees began to feel like jelly . I knew that I wasn 't the last one , and in a weird way it comforted me a bit knowing that Rachel was pretty exhausted too , since she 's half my size ! We walked around a little , looking for a spot to sit . The park was beautiful , and there were a number of people having picnics , jogging , and playing games . We needed to find Driver Steve , Travis and Tracy too . I really wondered whether they had downed a couple of cans of Red Bull because when we found them , they were happily strolling about as if they 'd been there for ages . We finally found a shady place to sit which overlooked the central part of the park . There were some guys , whose nationality I couldn 't quite put my finger on , who were practising some rather odd somersaults . They were clearly athletes or dancers of some sort , and watching them was fascinating . We teased Rachel for the spot that she chose to sit at , which was outside our circle . It seemed like a prime spot to watch the shirtless performers . Each of us gradually took out our lunches as we spoke about some random things . Travis , who was sitting behind me with his back against a tree , moved his legs around uncomfortably , and the topic of being able to sit cross - legged came about . All of us complained that we cannot sit for long periods with our legs crossed . Its been an issue for me since childhood . Travis said something that I 'll never forget : " I have the flexibility of a rhinoceros " . That made my day . It was already 4pm by the time we decided to leave . I realised that most of the time had gone climbing all those steps . Then it hit me : we had to go down those very same steps now . When we started the descent , however , it became clear that the stairs we were walking on were different to the ones we had climbed up . I guess it made no difference though , its not like we 'd get lost . Somewhere along the way , Ally , Paul , Adam , Rachel and I got separated from the others ; but there were so many of us that it didn 't bother us , especially because we knew that the others also have each other . We stopped here and there to take in some of the views , and I was constantly relieved that we were going down and not up . The stairs were uneven and rather steep at times so we had to watch our footing , but at least we were in the shade because there is so much greenery along the staircase . When we got to the bottom , the others were as clueless of what to do as I was . Adam and Paul wanted to swim though , so we decided to take a stroll along the promenade until we found a spot where Rachel and I could sit , since Ally decided that she 'd like to swim too . I really enjoyed the walk I had done earlier that day , and it was nice doing it again with some company . It was absolutely hot though , and Ally realised that I was wearing jeans and asked how I was managing , but I told her that it was actually planned because I knew how hot it would be and it would prevent at least my legs from being sun burned . We walked for a while , and eventually got to what looked like a restaurant type of place , if you can call it that . There were a lot of tables , chairs , and umbrellas , and it was the perfect place for us to relax and rest in the shade . The only thing was that people are only allowed in there if they purchase something from there . We thought ah what the heck , a drink is a small price to pay for being able to sit in comfort and enjoy the wonderful sea air . Adam had taken his shirt off by then ( while we were still walking down from the Chateau actually ) , and when we found a table , him and Paul went inside to order a drink . Ally went to put on her bathing suit , I think , while Rachel and I sat down in the covered area . We knew that the guys were ordering something , so when the waiter came to us , we told him that we were with the guys and he didn 't need to take a separate order from us . He asked " Which guy , the naked one ? " . We were very amused and were smiling at Adam when he joined us again . When they came back to us we thought it was actually silly of us to sit in the covered area because we couldn 't see much , so we moved closer to the water in an equally shaded spot . The guys had their beers and Ally went with the both of them to take a dip . I don 't recall if Rachel had something to drink , but I didn 't , purely because I knew how expensive everything would be . However , I had to have something , and when the waiter handed us a menu which had ice cream on it , I just couldn 't refuse . Even though it was € 9 on average for all the ice creams on the menu , I chose one . I am an ice cream queen , after all , and sometimes when you travel you have to forget about what some things cost in order to not regret it later . The last thing I wanted was to regret not having that ice cream on the beach , so I ordered the one with 3 scoops - chocolate , mint , and vanilla . Rachel ordered something with more vanilla than anything else , if I remember correctly . Hers looked just as good as mine . While we were on the topic of cost , I explained to Rachel how bad the exchange rate was for us South Africans . The price that I paid for the ice cream was actually ridiculous . You pay less for a tub of Haagen Daz , and I 'm pretty sure the ice cream I was eating there wasn 't that . Once the trio got back from their swim , they looked so happy and refreshed . Ally had put on her dress on top of her bathing suit , and she sat down with it on . So when we were walking back to the hotel , we made fun of the damp impression it left on her " chair area " . Adam had also gotten Paul to draw a smiley face on his back with the sun tan lotion while we were descending the chateau , so by now , he had a red smiley face burned onto his back . Crazy guy . Walking with my 4 new friends felt liberating , and really good . I had actually grown quite fond of them and their crazy but simple nature . They 're genuinely good - hearted people , and I couldn 't imagine spending the afternoon with anyone else . When we got back to the hotel , we were exhausted . A lot of the people were going to Wayne 's Bar afterwards , but I had no interest and chose to stay in the hotel chatting with the few people who didn 't go . I don 't think I ate supper that night , but I wasn 't really hungry . I went to bed rather early , more concerned about resting my feet after all that walking than anything else . I closed my eyes thinking of the day that had just passed - the beautiful weather , the people , the green Parc Du Chateau , and of course , the blue Mediterranean . It dawned on me that now that we had just finished our first destination in France , it was only downhill from there in terms of the time left on tour . France was the last country we 'd be visiting . It was time to make every last minute count and have as much fun with the people I was with as I possibly could . 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I was in a deep sleep , because last night , I was lacking of energy . I mean , I encountered a bear and fought with it . I wasn 't dreaming , but I could hear the birds were chirping outside of the cabin . I was too lazy to open my eyes , because I knew it was too early to wake up . Somehow , I was feeling comfortable with my sleep . The temperature had decreased by a few Celsius and it was relaxing . I fell asleep again and had this peculiar dream . In my dream , I was at a field and was chasing a rabbit . The rabbit was too fast and I couldn 't catch up with it , so I stopped and watched it ran away . It reminded me of my childhood when I was at my grandma 's house . There was a field and I loved to chase the rabbits there . Then , a bright light was blazing in front of my face and I was blinded by it . I squinted as I saw a figure in front of me with a rabbit in his embrace . I couldn 't make out who it was and eventually he had done me a favor . However , that guy seemed to know me . He started calling my name . His voice echoed as if we were in a hall . I kept squinting my eyes to see who was that man and it wasn 't helping at all . The light was scorching . " Annette . . . " he called me again . " Annette . . . ! Annette ! It 's time . . . Annette ! Wake up ! " It was Scott who was waking me up . I opened my eyes slowly and my eyes and my thoughts were still blurry . And then , I realized . I realized where I was sleeping on at that time . My head was on Scott 's lap . " Uh ? Good morning ? " said Scott . " Oh crap ! " I quickly sat and covered my mouth . " Uh ? Um ? I didn 't mean to . . . " " Don 't go too hard on yourself . I 'm good with it , " said Scott . " Had a nice sleep ? " " Yeah , " I replied while nodding . " We 're leaving now , " explained Scott . Again ? And I was worried if he brought me too far away from home . I didn 't want to have another road trip anymore . I wondered if the waitress had made a call to the police . There might be a road block on the way to the place that Scott wanted to bring me . Fingers crossed . " Where are we going next ? " I asked . If he would answer that . We stood up and I was still waiting for his answer , but he didn 't even whisper a thing . He brought me outside of the cabin and unlocked the cuff on his hand . He was going to cuff me again in the car . He dragged me by pulling the handcuff along with me and opened the car 's door . That day , he seemed emotionless , his face didn 't show any emotion . Not even angry . I was about to ask him for his behavior on that day , but it would be awfully weird . As if I was his sister , and as if I was being caring for him . Click ! The sound of the handcuff as soon as he locked it . " I 'm sorry that I have to do this , " he said . " Now get inside " . I did what he asked me to do . Soon after that , we were moving again , and I was being haunted by millions of questions in my mind . We were on the road again . The sky was dark blue and the air was a bit damp . It was a little foggy because the weather was getting colder than the day before . Not much of cars were seen on the road . It wasn 't a busy day at all . I assumed , there would be no road block . I guessed I had to be with him for a little longer . I wasn 't feeling afraid any longer , I was just confused . We could only listen to the sound of the car 's engine . We didn 't talk much that day , and believe it or not , it was killing me . I knew that Scott had something on his mind but I couldn 't figure out what it was . " Annette , can you turn on the radio for me ? " asked Scott . Sure . . . " I replied . And I turned on the radio and it was playing an unknown ( well for me it was ) song from the 90 's . Scott didn 't enjoy it . However , he didn 't ask me to turn it off . Instead , he let it be . Suddenly , the song stopped . We interrupt this program to deliver a news about a young lady who had been kidnapped yesterday evening . Her name is Annette Frederick and she is 19 - year - old with dark hair and estimated 5 ' 7 ' ' tall . The kidnapper is described to be tall and blonde and Caucasian and is driving a 1996 Volvo . Any information , please contact the authority . Your cooperation might help this helpless girl to return to her family . Thank you and God bless Annette Frederick . Back to you DJ . I was excited to know that the police was looking for me already . And I would be saved in no time . I was about to smile but I was afraid that Scott would see me . I looked at him and he didn 't even feel bothered by the news . " Looks like they are looking for you , " said Scott . Yeah . Looks like they are , " I replied . " Are you happy about it ? " Um ? Yes . . . I am happy about it " He smiled . Was I suppose to be worried by his smile ? He put his hand on his head and drove the car single - handed . Why was he doing that ? " I 'm going to take you to a place where it all ended , " said Scott grimly . " And . . . Where is . . . Where is that place ? " He looked at me , with a frightful look . He grinned and said " Soon , you 'll know " . Earlier when I met him , I was terrified that he would kill me , and we were in the woods , I saw another person who was lonely and needed attention and I was no longer afraid to be with him . However , at that time , I saw another person who would do horrible things to me , and the fear had crept back into my mind . This person could not be trusted and I had made the biggest mistake of my life , which was trusting him even for a bit . My heart beat quickly , and as if it was digging out of my chest . I was praying hard to God so He would help me in this situation . I was desperate to escape and I missed my family a lot . Maybe soon I would meet my Fate . Scott was sending chill down my spine . I imagined Scott was holding a knife and stabbed me to death , and how he scooped the ground and buried me inside it . I could see his dark smile when he had killed me . He made a turn and the road was leading us to a hill . I tried to be positive but thinking of " another summer camp " didn 't help me at all . There wouldn 't be another camp on top of the hill . It was a perfect murdering spot . The questions had been answered . A cemetery . I saw white and sturdy tombstones in a bright green field . " . . . a place where it all ended " I thought about Scott 's line . From that moment , I knew he was talking about Death . Whose death ! ? Was it going to be mine ! ? I shook my head in disbelief and cried and begged for freedom at him . " Please Scott ! Don 't kill me ! " I begged . Why ? Are you afraid of Death ? " he said . " You can 't be afraid of Death . Sooner it will find you and take you . You can 't escape it , " he explained . From that moment , I knew that he was being serious . " No , please ! I need my family ! I 'm not ready to die yet ! " " When Death has come to you , you are all alone " He parked his car near a sign board which had rusted and hadn 't been repaired for a long time . The grasses were already tall and bushy . People hadn 't come to this place recently . He went out of the car and went to the graveyard . It seemed like he was looking for someone 's grave . I was in the car alone , struggling to break the cuff off from the grab handle . " Somebody help me ! Help ! " I cried in the car , but it seemed impossible for someone to hear me . I knocked the window with my hand but ended having bruises on my fist . I was crying devastatingly . It was hopeless to escape . It was hopeless to live too . He had returned and opened up the door for me . " Where are you taking me ! ? " I demanded . I fought back when he was trying to pull me out of the car . I slapped him and I kicked him , but didn 't work at all . Once again , he cuffed me on his hand . He dragged me to one of the graves and I was kneeing weakly on the ground . There was a black tombstone in front of me , and there was a name transcribed on it . " Theresa Harding . Daughter . Sister . Friend . " " Say ' Hi ' to her , " said Scott . " What do you want from me ! ? " I cried . " Give her some respect " I didn 't even say ' Hi ' to that dead girl . It would be weird because I didn 't know her at all . I assumed that she was one of his victim too . He crouched and stared blankly at the tombstone , and he took a quick glance at me and continued to stare at the tombstone again . He giggled and looked down on the ground . My eyes were red and soaked , and I felt strange for him to do that . What exactly did he want from me ? Money ? Pleasure of killing an innocent girl ? " This was where it all ended , " Scott finally spoke . There was a huge maple tree , just beside the road , and Scott brought me under it . From there , I could see Theresa 's grave clearly . " Sit , " ordered Scott . Slowly and fearfully , I sat down and leaned over the big tree . My hand was still hanging up because Scott didn 't sit down . He was still standing , and suddenly , he took out a key from his back pocket and he showed it to me . " You see this ? " said Scott . It 's . . A key . . . " I said while stuttering . I didn 't know what was he going to do with the key , but suddenly he kneeled in front of me and took the handcuff and unlocked it , releasing my hand . I was shocked ! I was totally confused , I didn 't even know what was his intention towards me anymore , and the feeling was worse than death . He sat down and leaned just like I did . From there , he looked at Theresa 's grave devastatingly . From the moment he released me , I was feeling like running away . Damn ! I didn 't know what kept me sitting there by his side . I didn 't even making a budge to escape . " You can run if you want to , " Scott made a very peculiar order . " Why . . . Why are you letting me go ? " I asked . " This place was where it all ended , and once again , history will repeat itself , " said Scott while looking down . Hesitatingly , I stood up and stared at him for the last time . He was giving me freedom , weird but true . I couldn 't believe that I was finally free . However , was there any agenda ? I walked backward slowly , just to make sure that he didn 't follow me . I thought I was far enough , and I sprinted along the road . For seconds . I turned around and looked at the maple tree , and I could see him from there . His eyes and his body language , made it hard for me to leave . He didn 't hurt me or threatened to kill me , he did , but once and he didn 't do it . I wanted to know his story . I remembered what my counselor had always said , " First impression is a foolish act if you don 't know the person yet " . Maybe he wasn 't a person that I thought he was . However , he did kidnap me and that was a crime . If I went back to him , and God knows where he would take me next . I turned around and tried to run again , but my feet were kind of glued to the road , and once again I looked at Scott . " I hate you , Annette ! I really do , " I whispered to myself . I walked back to Scott . I saw him sitting peacefully under the tree , and the scenario was noiseless . He kept staring at the grave , which probably he knew the deceased very much . I was standing a foot away from him , and suddenly he turned his head at me . " Why didn 't you run ? " he asked . " I 'm not really sure why . Maybe because of you ? " I explained . " Because of me ? Why ? " " Stupid isn 't it ? But yeah , I think that 's the main reason why I didn 't leave " I approached him and sat beside him . I was wondering what to ask and what to talk about with him . I wasn 't a really good talker , but I was a very good listener . " Can you tell me more about yourself , Scott ? " I asked . So he did tell me his life story . " I 'm an orphan , and I barely had a friend . In the orphanage , I was the quiet one . I didn 't talk , I didn 't play . But somehow , during that summer camp , I felt free and I was forgetting that I had no family . After the summer camp , I returned to school and was broken , because they were my family and I got separated from them . It took me two years to get that thing off of my head and to move on with my life , " he said . He regarded my eyes for some seconds . " You know what ? I 'm not suppose to tell you this . We 'll stop here " " No ! No ! I 'm listening ! Please , I just want to know something about you . Anything ! " I said . " What do you care ? Huh ? All of a sudden you are interested to know me . Before this you were dying to escape and now here you are , sitting beside me and listening to my life stories ! " " Scott , please ! I 'm thinking differently about you now . And it doesn 't make any sense but I thiI was still on the ground , watching him leave . It was all my fault for not letting him to have a chance to talk about himself . I wasn 't going to give up , that wasn 't what my heart was telling me to do . I stood up and yelled his name . However he was ignoring me . " Scott ! " I tried again . " Scott , look at me ! " He didn 't respond and kept on walking to his car . " Theresa ! " I yelled . He stopped . " Theresa ! She would be so disappointed in you ! Whoever she was to you , she would be downhearted to see you as a coward ! You 're a lonely guy who doesn 't have anyone to talk to and when you do , you are backing off from me . She wanted you to live your life freely and now you 're giving yourself up to the police and you have no idea how does it feel like to be imprisoned , " I exclaimed . He turned his head to me and glared at me . I had pushed his button now and he almost reached his boiling point . " Don 't you dare saying something that you don 't know . Especially about Theresa , " he warned me . " Yeah , yeah ! Maybe I don 't know you that well yet , but at least I know something now . You are a coward ! A coward who is afraid to tell about his past and yet he is still kidnapping someone for no reason . I know what is your intention of kidnapping me ! You 're lonely and you need someone to talk to and when you do , you 're thinking that you 're making a big mistake . Well guess what ? You are wrong ! " " Stop it ! I swear I 'll kill you for this , " demanded Scott . He was stamping towards me and I knew that I wasn 't making a good decision . " Oh I 'm tired of listening to your threat and I 'm tired of you ! " He was standing in front of me with his beastly look . I didn 't feel afraid and yet , I was still continuing my speech . " You 're keeping all your problem to yourself and it is killing you . I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it deep inside you ! You 're dying and you 're giving up ! If I were Theresa , I would be very devastated to see you in a situation like this . What a sad person you are " " I 'm warning you again , don 't speak of Theresa ! " " Why ? Why don 't you want me to talk about Theresa ? Does it bother you ? We are standing in front of her grave and she might be seeing you like this in Heaven but does that bother you at all ? And you are feeling irritated because I keep on mentioning her name ? What kind of a sick joke are you ? You are afraid to move on with your life without her . YOU ARE A COWARD ! " I yelled . Later , I realized that I was on the ground , holding my cheek . He slapped me and I was petrified on the ground . My lips were bleeding and I had a bruise on my cheek . He was a really strong man . He saw my bleeding mouth and suddenly , and slowly he took the weight of his feet on the ground . I didn 't do anything , not even moving . " I 'm . . . I 'm sorry , " he said . " I 'm so sorry . . . I didn 't . . . I didn 't mean to hurt you , " . He was doing his best to apologize to me . I knew that he was regretting it . His expression had changed . I couldn 't believe my eyes , his eyes were watery and suddenly , a single drop of tear could be seen on his cheek . " She left me and . . . I 'm all alone . . . My life . . . is Hell , " he explained . I sympathized him . " I was such a control freak and I should have done something to stop her . And I will never get the chance to save her anymore . God ! I have such guilt over her and I don 't want to feel the same way to you , " he explained . I crawled slowly to him and I put my hand on his shoulder . I had no idea on how to make him feel better . I knew that he regretted of hurting me earlier , and I thought he did the same thing to Theresa and he could never forgive himself for that . " It 's okay . I 'm okay . We are going to get through this . I promise , " I told him . I wrapped my hands around him and I rested my head on his . It would sound insane , but this kidnapper wasn 't bad . From deep inside of me , I knew that I would do him a favor for his future . I had my fingers crossed for it . We were definitely in the woods . There was a path leading to somewhere in it , and I was suspecting that Scott was taking me to the deepest part of it . In my mind , he could easily kill me without being heard . That moment , I was trembling . Could this be the end of my life ? I was so scared until my tears were soaking my cheeks . And I could see Mum and Dad , Andrew , Annabelle and Marcia in my head . Somehow , I missed them so much and I was scared that I wouldn 't have the chance to see them again . I loved them so much . The road was bumpy so I accidentally hit the bruised part of my forehead on the window . It was painful , so I held my head and moaned . Ahead , I saw a building , a cabin actually , an abandoned one . I was guessing he was bringing me to the cabin . But what for ? The sky has already darken . and I could see the moon already . I guessed he wanted to stay for a night here . Was he crazy ? Of course . He stopped his car not far from the cabin . He went out from the car and examined the place . There was a well , and a boat rack and also a sign board which the writing had faded . It must be an old camping site . The cabin was entirely made of strong woods and it had fireplace too . Scott returned to the car and opened the door for me . " Here we are , " he said to me . And yes , of course , my right hand was still cuffed on the grab handle . I didn 't respond to him . I was scared . Maybe this would be the end of me . He would kill me and dumped me into the well like they used to do on TV . Okay , Annette , be positive . " I 'm feeling sticky . Don 't you ? " he asked me . What did he mean by that ? He released me from the cuff and warned me " This place is dangerous . Wild animals are wandering in the dark , so running away won 't be a wise act , " he maybe had a point there . And yet , I was feeling like running away from him right now . Either being killed by him , or the animals . Okay , I was trapped . I had no choice but to follow him . He was holding my hand while walking through the bushes and the dark . How could he see in the dark ? Suddenly , I heard something , and it wasn 't an animal . It was soothing and calming . Waves . Maybe there was a lake ahead of us . And I was right , there was a lake . A huge lake to be exact . It wasn 't dark there as the moonlight was so bright and beautiful . It was as if dawn . I saw a boat , roped by the jetty . We were approaching the boat . " You 're not going for a swim , are you ? " I said in fear . He looked at me and grinned " Better , " he said . He untied the rope and asked me to get on the boat . " No , no ! Of course not ! I won 't do such a thing ! " I yelled at him . He glared at me once more , and I was feeling intimidated by his glare . " I said , get on the boat , " he demanded . I had nothing to lose , so I took my first step into the boat , and then I sat down quietly , but terrified . He went on the boat and started rowing . I looked up in the sky , and I saw millions of stars glimmering in the galaxy . Too bad that was my final chance to enjoy such a beautiful panorama . We were now in the middle of the lake , and Scott had stopped rowing . Scott was staring at the stars too and he was amazed by them . I looked at him and he was totally mesmerized by the stars . He silenced and stared at me . I could see that he had loneliness in his eyes . I turned my head away because I didn 't like seeing him stared at me . My heart was pumping really fast at the moment . I was feeling so terrified . He kept staring at me , and I felt strange about it . " What are you staring at ? " I asked . He didn 't reply , but this time he looked into the water . Oh God , what was he going to do ? I was hesitating but I did what he asked me to do . I was balancing myself because the boat was moving and shaking while I was standing up . " Take my hand , " offered Scott . I took his hand and tried to balance myself again . And it worked . The boat didn 't shake anymore . It was balanced now . " Okay ? " he said . I nodded while looking down . I didn 't like him to look at me . " Take off your shoes , now , " he ordered again . I didn 't feel good about this . I didn 't bend over to take off my shoes , instead , I was using my foot to do so . What was he going to do now ? He kept on giving weird orders . Suddenly , he swung my hand to the left , bringing my body into the water ! I was struggling to breathe and to keep myself floating on the surface of the water ! I was gasping for air and tried to swim away , but which way should I swim to ? He was laughing , and was making fun of me . Did he think that was fun ? I almost drowned ! " Fun ? Fun ! ? Do you think this is fun ! ? I almost drowned and you can still have a good laugh about it ! ? " I yelled at him . He stripped his singlet off and his jeans , leaving him in a pair of boxer . As soon as he did that , he dived into the lake and swam around . I held on the hull of the boat to keep myself floating and watched Scott swam in the lake . He was a good swimmer . And then he approached me , and suddenly went underneath , leaving me in suspense . There was no sound of him and it made me feel scared . Suddenly , I felt his hands were grabbing my legs and pulled me underwater . The shimmering light helped me to see Scott 's face in the water . The scenery under the lake was so beautiful . I could see the weeds , and fishes and the glimmering stones . It was so amazing ! Then , Scott pulled me up again to the surface , and both of us were gasping for air . Then , we went back on the boat , and was still panting . He took the paddles and rowed to the bank . As soon as we reached the bank , he picked up his clothes and my shoes . He left the boat untied and watched the boat being taken away by the waves . " Well , that 's it for now . Bye bye boat , " he said . He offered his hand again . And this time , without any fear or doubt , I grabbed it and we walked back to the cabin . He searched in the car for his bag , and he found it , he gave it to me . " There are some clothes I bought earlier this afternoon . Why don 't you try it on ? Since your clothes are wet now , " he said . I took it and searched for clothes in the bag . And there was a long sleeved T - shirt and a tracksuit in it . It wasn 't fashionable but at least I had something to wear . Liar . He would take a peep if he had the chance . But , where else should I change ? I went to the back of the car , and changed . Wait a minute . My hand wasn 't cuffed and Scott wasn 't looking . I thought this would be a right time for me to run away . However , I was scared because of the wandering wild animals . If I 'd be more careful , I wouldn 't encounter them . " Done ? " yelled Scott . " Not yet ! " I replied . Okay , this would be the brightest chance for me . Scott was such an idiot . I peeped at him and he was still looking away . I ran . I ran as fast as I could into the woods . I was searching for the road which we used to come here . " Hey ! Come back ! " shouted Scott as soon as he found out that I was running away from him . I ignored him and kept on running away . However , I couldn 't find the road . So I just ran without looking back . If he got me again , I would be killed . I was running for five minutes , and I still couldn 't find any road . And I was in the middle of the dark and couldn 't see anything . So I rested my back on a tree and panted for air . I was tired , but I must kept on going before I got caught again . The woods was pitch dark , and was creepy . I could hear the sound of bats and wolves . I didn 't have to worry about it because they sounded from afar . Suddenly , there was an entity in front of me . And I knew it was Scott . I was scared that he would kill me on the spot . I was crying because I felt like I was losing hope of living . " Oh Scott , please don 't hurt me . I just want to live my life happily and I want to be with my family . Please don 't kill me here ! I just want to go home , " I begged him . He was approaching me and I couldn 't stop crying . However , his movement was strange , as if he was crawling or tottering or something , as if he was drunk . And I knew right that instance that that wasn 't Scott , right after it stood up gallantly and roared . It was a bear ! I couldn 't believe my eyes and I was petrified by the roar . My body collapsed on the ground but I didn 't fall unconscious . I was still looking at it ! It was huge and seemed starving ! Oh God , I was actually going to be killed by a bear ! It was approaching me slowly , step by step and roared again . The roaring made me feel so horrified ! Out of the blue , there was a fireball hurled to the bear . No , it wasn 't a fireball . It was a torch . It seemed like a fireball because I was in the dark . It was Scott . He waved the torch to cast the bear away from there . However , the bear wasn 't in the mood to surrender . It swung it paws to attack Scott , but Scott managed to dodge every single strike from the bear and performed a counter attack by pressing the torch against the bear 's skin . The bear moaned in pain but it didn 't mean that it had been defeated . It swept Scott 's legs and forced him to drop himself on the ground . The bear was standing proudly in front of defeated Scott as if it was saying " I owned you humans " . The bear had raised its paw to give Scott the fatal blow on his head . Suddenly , my brain and my body worked by itself . I picked up the torch which Scott accidentally dropped it from the fall and threw it directly on the bear 's nose . It was moaning painfully and tried to extinguish the fire from its nose . It ran away afterwards , leaving us unhurt . We walked to the cabin and I regretted for running away , unarmed , in the dark woods . I brought the torch too because Scott asked me to . Scott was mad . I could feel his anger . I was mad too because I couldn 't find the way out . " After this , I 'll cuff your hand to mine . So you won 't run away again , " said Scott . I was angry but I was too tired to fight back . So I shut myself up and kept on walking . Back at the cabin , he had cuffed my left hand to his right hand . So both of us were stuck together , and I couldn 't run away any longer . I threw the torch into the fireplace as soon as Scott had put the kerosene and some firewood in it . The flame engulfed the woods in seconds . And the heat could be felt too . Both of us sat in front of the fireplace while leaning against the wall . I was tired , and so was Scott . He was no longer feeling angry . We could hear the snapping sound of the woods from the fireplace . Both of us didn 't talk for a moment there . He didn 't answer and he looked away . I was expecting that too . He wasn 't talkative . He talked when he wanted to . I gave up and sat quietly while looking at the fireplace . Somehow , the fire amused me . " No . She 's my guardian . I called her Sister . She sent me here to meet more friends . I was ten years old back then . It was fun here . I loved my friends and the wardens . They were my family here . We ate together , swam together in the lake , played together , and slept together . For a month and a half Annette , I couldn 't be more happier , " he moved his head and looked at me . His hazel green eyes were shimmering and I could see my reflection in it . " I learned many things here . To cook , to swim , to paddle the boat , everything . Until one day , all of us had to leave the camp . The session had ended . We cried , yeah . . . But there was nothing we could do right ? " " We said goodbye and from that day , we 'd never seen each other again . We were kids and we had no cell phones or emails . Nothing . I miss them , a lot . That 's why I brought you here with me . I want to relive the memories which I had with them here , " he said . Once again , he turned his head away . I felt his loneliness at that moment . I thought , that was why he had kidnapped me . Not for money or sex . He just wanted to be accompanied . But why he had to do it wrongly ? It didn 't mean that I was feeling comfortable with him , I was still thinking a way to escape . I felt sorry for him , but at the same time , I was furious because he separated me with my family . I looked at the fire again , trying to calm myself down . I was too tired to be mad . " Scott ? You can 't do this okay ? You can 't force me to be with you . If you do it correctly , I 'll understand but you 're doing it wrongly , and it 's against the law ! " He didn 't move at all . " Scott ? " I shook his body slowly . He had fallen into a deep sleep already . I smiled . I had no explanation why did I smile . Suddenly , I just did . " Goodnight , Scott " I couldn 't figure out on what to do . All I could do was screaming and crying . I knew that it wouldn 't help my best friend , Annette , who was being dragged by a thug into his car . I was panicking and I couldn 't think straight . People in the mall were just staring at me and thought that I was going mad . I felt like the ground was spinning underneath my feet , making me confused . Tears were soaking my face . And seriously , I looked like a crazy girl . Until a noble man came across me and asked me what was going on and asked me to calm down . " Miss ! Miss ! Please calm down and tell me what happen ! " said the man . " Please ! Please , someone help Annette ! " I shouted . " Who 's Annette . And what had happened to her ? " He asked me . " Annette is being kidnapped by a man ! Please you gotta help her ! " The man 's eyes were bulging as soon as he found out what was going on . He took out his phone and dialed ' 911 ' . He put his hand around me , just to calm me down . However , it wasn 't helping at all . He spoke to the operator and briefly explained what had happened . " Calm down okay miss ? The policemen are on their way here , " said the man as soon as he hung up . He caressed my hair and waited for the policemen with me . Ten or fifteen minutes later , the policemen had arrived and interrogated me on the spot . They asked me for the man 's appearances and what kind of car that he was using . I couldn 't remember a thing about the man . What I 'd seen that he was tall and was Caucasian . About the car , maybe it was Volvo or Toyota ? Obviously , I was being useless at the moment . I went to my car and started the engine and drove away from the mall . In my mind , I was scared to see her mother , wondering what to tell her about this , or would she be mad , or my relationship with the family would be ruined . Anything could happen . I didn 't care . As long as Annette returns safely to her family . The policemen were following me from behind . I needed to be more helpful than I was earlier . What I remembered that the guy was tall and had scruffy hair . And I was quite sure that he was driving a Volvo . We had arrived to the Frederick 's residence and I saw Annette 's mother was watering the flowers in her yard . She seemed amused and happy with her flowers . However , I would deliver an unpleasant message to her . I went out of the car and called her name . She turned around and smiled at me . I couldn 't help it , I cried as soon as she looked at me . Her expression had changed . I went closer to her and gave her a hug and she was confused , plus worried too . " What 's wrong Marcia ? Is everything alright ? Where 's Annette ? " she asked me a question that I could barely answer . The policemen were approaching us and Anneliese were getting more concerned about the situation . I held on to Anneliese as strong as I could . I could feel that she was collapsing . Her knees went weak and suddenly , she was embracing me tightly and cried . " Oh my God , Annette ! " she was whimpering . Her heart was totally fragmented . Three hours of disappointment , I couldn 't help them . We were in the living room and a sketch artist was sitting in front of me while holding a sketch book and a pencil . And currently , the book was clear as if it was untouched , because I couldn 't give any description on the man . Anneliese and Harrison were standing beside the fireplace and Anneliese was biting her nail impatiently . She must be disappointed in me . " This seems useless , " I said to the sketch artist . I knew that I wasn 't doing any help . Anneliese was covering her eyes and sighed in distress . " Okay , it 's alright . We can figure out another way to help your friend . My team is working on the posters , so you have nothing to worry about it . We 'll find her soon , " explained the sketch artist . Anneliese was glaring at the sketch artist in disbelief . She was about to explode . I could see that from her eyes . " ' You have nothing to worry about it ' ? What are you talking about ? My daughter is with a psychopath and you 're telling us there is nothing to worry about ? How could you say that ? " said Anneliese irritatingly . " Ma ' am , we 're doing our best to help your daughter . We are doing posters and examining the CCTV of the mall . We are also searching for her outside of the town . So all you have to do is calmly wait for the results , " he explained . The sketch artist was staring at Anneliese , he couldn 't say anything by now . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll make sure of that , " he said approvingly . " No ! Don 't do that ! Stop her ! " But it was too late . Anneliese had already dialed Annette 's number and waited impatiently for the kidnapper to answer the phone . Suddenly , the call had been terminated and Anneliese wanted to try again , but this time , her phone had already been switched off . " No ! No ! No ! Please don 't do this ! " yelled Anneliese . She was calling Annette over and over again which probably seemed impossible for the kidnapper to answer it . She was devastated . Harrison went closer to her and hugged her . He knew that they must rely on the authority from now on . There was nothing much they could do . Not long after that , Annette 's brother and sister , Andrew and Annabelle , had arrived home . Andrew was anxious to know the progress of the investigation , and was disappointed when the policemen said they hadn 't found anything yet . And suddenly , someone knocked the door . Annabelle opened the door and found two detectives and they flashed their FBI badges at her . " Good evening . I 'm Detective Wong and this is my partner Detective Butler . We are here to help you with the finding . And hopefully you 'll cooperate with us , " explained Detective Wong . She was a detective with red - blood leather jacket and was Chinese oriented with short hair , and the other one was tall and muscular with a canvas coat . " We are still investigating . . . " suddenly , Detective Wong 's phone rang and she picked it up . " Detective Wong , " she said . She was nodding and focusing on the caller . Her eyes squinted and obviously she was having a good news . " Okay . Thanks for the information , " she said and hung up " Good news , there was a call from a diner outside of town which is probably an hour and a half away from here and they mentioned that they have seen your sister with a man . They were having their meal there , " explained Detective Wong . Annabelle 's eyes were bulging in excitement . Finally we had received a news which we were waiting for a long time . I knew that I was in a moving vehicle . However , my head was spinning around and I felt like I had just been hit by a car . I felt so dizzy , and my eyes were blurry . I swore to God that I could smell a roasted chicken . And God I was starving to death ! Then , I realized that my right hand was cuffed on the grab handle . Slowly , I regained my consciousness and looked at the road outside the window . I was at a highway but I couldn 't figure which one was it . I slowly turned my head to the driver , the one who kidnapped me . He was pale blonde and had scruffy hair with hazel green eyes and hadn 't shaved . He was wearing a stained white singlet and a pair of thorny jeans . He seemed like a homeless guy who had been in the streets for the rest of his life . " You have awaken , " he said to me without even looking at me . His voice was manly but young , and seemed like he was twenty or above . " Who are you ? And what do you want from me ? " I spoke with a weak voice because I was hungry and had no energy for talking . He silenced and didn 't respond to my question . He kept on driving without saying any word . I smelled the stench of a roasted chicken and my stomach was grumbling because of it . Maybe the guy had lunch while I was unconscious . He took a quick glance at me and touched my tummy . I was scared that he would do something painful to me , but I had no strength to fight back or even to cry . " Are you hungry ? " he asked me with a low voice . Of course I was . There was a bag underneath his legs . He took out a plastic bag which flashed ' K - Mart ' on it . He had been shopping too . Inside , there were three vanilla creamed bun which covers were colorful and had a picture of an animated elephant on it . I didn 't care about the cuteness of the cover . I tore off the cover with my teeth since I didn 't have enough hand to use . I wolfed down a bun in seconds because I was so hungry . Once more he searched into his bag and took out a bottle of water . I didn 't really need it until the second bun . I coughed in pain because I was choking on it . " Whoa . Slow down there . Eat it slowly , " he spoke again while I was drinking . I continued on eating the bun except this time , I took his advice on eating it slowly . " Please send me home . I don 't want to be with you . I just got a job and my life is almost starting and I don 't want you to end it . Please just let me go and I swear to God that I won 't tell , " I begged while having a mouth full . " I don 't even know you ! Sooner or later , the police will find you and take you to jail ! Is that what you want , huh ! ? " I exclaimed . Once again , he silenced himself and kept on driving . That was the first time I yelled on a criminal and didn 't get punched or slapped . Usually on TV , they do that to the victim if she 's pissing him off . I was angry and scared at the same time . I was thinking a way of escaping which was almost impossible because I didn 't know where to go . I wasn 't familiar with this highway . He might had brought me away from the town . " Please let me go . I won 't tell . I promise , " I begged to him again . I knew that it would be the same answer , but I couldn 't give up on this . " What ? Do you think that this is Dr . Phil 's show ? You 're kidnapping me ! Don 't you realize that ! ? This is not Barney and Friends ! " Once again I 'd yelled at him , but it seemed like he was a calm man . He didn 't even try to get me mad , but I was feeling furious at him for taking me away . He tried to touch my hair and I slapped his hand away . " Don 't touch me ! " I exclaimed . He looked at me in disappointment and continued on driving . " You will find out soon , " he said . Suddenly , I got goosebumps all over my body . Was he trying to kill me ? Or trying to rape me ? Suddenly , my phone rang . It was inside my pocket all the time . Scott looked at me as if he was worried about it . And I looked at him and my pocket , trying to figure out on how to answer the call . He shockingly stopped the car and pulled over at the sideways . Quickly , I took out my phone ( thankfully he didn 't cuff my left hand , and the phone was inside my left pocket ) , and he swiftly snatched my hand , and both of us were struggling to have the phone . " Let go off me ! " I yelled at him , and continued to fight for the phone . " Give me the phone ! " he yelled back at me . I 'd seen a chance of punching him and I took it before I lost it . I punched him right in the face and he recovered so quickly and grabbed my hand again . Unfortunately , he won the fight and snatched my phone from my hand . I was panting and glared at him in anger . He looked at my phone and read the name of the person who was calling me . It was from my house . Someone , whether Dad or Mum had found out that I was being kidnapped . Marcia , you did a really good job ! " Home , " he said to me . " Maybe it is your mother , Annette , " he continued . I didn 't say a thing , hopefully he wouldn 't throw my phone out of the window . He switched off the phone and squeezed it , unpleasantly . He threw my phone into his bag and started to drive again . " Fuck you , Scott ! " I couldn 't withstand my anger any longer . " You 're going to the fucking Hell , and I will be fucking happy ! Son of a bitch like you don 't deserve to live in happiness ! You fucking bastard ! " And suddenly , I made a wrong decision which was pulling his hair . " Aaarrggh ! " I screamed and shouted furiously . The car was going out of control as if it was being driven by a drunk man . Scott was screaming in pain and was trying to take control of his car again . The vehicles behind us were honking madly at us and the situation was completely chaotic . The car hit the steel divider and produced sparkling embers as the car was scratched by the divider . He managed to escape from my grasp and I tried to do it again . However , I didn 't have the chance as he slapped me right in my left cheek and my head spun and landed hard on the window . It was painful but I didn 't pass out . That was the most strongest slap I 've ever had . " Oh yeah ? You are going to kill me either so what do I care ? Huh ! I 'll fight ' til my last breath ! " I was being stubborn . I was about to strike again , but suddenly , he took out his gun and pointed directly at my forehead . " STAY THERE ! " he exclaimed . I could see that his hand was shivering . Maybe from the fear of killing me , or the fear of losing control of his car earlier . I was scared too . I mean , I didn 't want him to plant a bullet in my brain , so that time , I surrendered . I sat quietly and was still glaring at him furiously . He put his gun down and focused on his driving again while panting for air . The sky was getting dark , and the sun was almost set . And I was still wondering where he would take me to . I was feeling a little bit exhausted from the fight , and a bit hungry . I ate only three pieces of bun and it wasn 't enough . I needed a whole set of lunch . " I 'm sorry for what I did earlier , " he apologized to me . I was stunned by his words . He was a kidnapper , he shouldn 't be apologizing to his victim ? Should he ? " I had too okay ? You forced me to do it , " he continued . Was he having a mental breakdown or something ? He was actually apologizing to me ! I looked at his face , and I saw a regretful look . Maybe he was regretting for what he did to me . I was confused . I didn 't know how to tell him , but I had to before I passed out from hunger . " Scott ? " he didn 't answer me . " Scott , I 'm . . . I 'm hungry , " I didn 't care . He wasn 't deaf anyway . " Hungry ? " he paused . " There 's a diner just a couple of miles from here . But I don 't know if I can trust you on this . You might scream for help in that diner " Okay , that was I would do too . But I needed to convince him that I wouldn 't do such a thing . " Scott , I promise to you that I won 't scream . Okay ? I 'm hungry . And it 's killing me . Please ? " I said . He looked at me and I made a sympathetic expression so that he could stop for a meal . " Okay . But if you scream , I will kill everyone in that diner . Including you , if I have to , " he stated . I was pretty sure that I wouldn 't be more care less about the people there . As far as I concerned , I wanted to escape . We had arrived at the diner , at the parking lot . " Remember , don 't scream . Okay ? " he mentioned . I nodded . He took off the cuff with a key and I held my right hand as it felt stiff . He got out from the car and took me with him afterwards . I was thinking a way of escaping before we entered the diner . Maybe I should run for it now . After I took my first step into the diner , I saw a mother with her child , and an old man with his old wife . I remembered what Scott said if I escaped , he would kill everyone in the diner . At that moment , I didn 't have the heart to let the people in that diner die because of me . I would carry the guilt for my entire life . We sat quietly and waited for the waiter to come and take our orders . There was an African - American woman who strode towards us , with pink clothes and white apron . She seemed nice . As soon as she reached us , she took out her pen and her notebook . " Now , what would you like to have ? " she asked us . Scott was looking at me , waiting for my order . " I 'm not eating , " said Scott . Both Scott and the waitress were staring at me . The waitress was writing my order while staring confusingly at me . " Are you okay honey ? " all of a sudden , she asked me as if she knew what was happening to me . Scott was glaring at me , expecting my answers . I swore to God that I could hear his heart was beating fast , and the sound of him squeezing his hands really tight . " Really ? Are you sure ? What 's with the bruise on your forehead ? " she replied . Damn , she noticed my bruise from the blow earlier . " Oh ! Silly me . I had an accident in the bathroom . I slipped and knocked my head on the wall . Accident happens you know ? " I answered while giggling . Ten minutes later , my burger had arrived along with the newspaper that Scott asked for earlier . " Um ? Can I have some ketchup please ? " I ordered again . The waitress smiled at me and went to the cashier and took two sachets of ketchup for me . That gave me a bright idea , but I must be careful around Scott . I ate the burger slowly and only God knows how good it tasted like . And I was enjoying the food as if I had nothing to worry about . I took a sip of the soda and the cold sensation of the drink rejuvenated me . I 'd gained a lot of energy from eating the burger . " You really like burger , don 't you ? " suddenly Scott talked to me . I nodded slowly while engulfing it . He grinned as soon as I 'd nodded . Weird . He continued on reading the newspaper . I 'd finished eating the burger but I didn 't tell Scott about it . I had a plan . Hopefully it would work . I tore off the cover of the ketchup and slowly , I transcribed the word ' HELP ' on the plate . Scott didn 't notice it since he was focusing on reading the news . I covered the plate with a napkin , but carefully so it wouldn 't ruin it . After that , he returned to me and picked me up by my hand . The waitress went to our table as soon as we walked away from it . Hopefully she would get the message that I wrote on the plate . Outside , I kept on observing at the waitress through the window and suddenly , she looked at me with an unpleasant face , meaning she had read the message . I could read her lips and she was saying " Oh my God " . And then she nodded agreeably . She would help me . Help would come soon . It was not typical for a teenage girl like me to stay at home and did nothing after graduated from high school . I wasn 't lazy , it was just that , no one would ever want to employ me . I went to the local restaurant , bar , library , and even computer center to look for a job . They didn 't even want to interview me . What they said was " I 'll call you later " . But they never did . So there I was , listening to my iPod while going on Facebook . I did this for like over 3 months , and I felt bored like Hell ' cause nothing interesting happened on Facebook . I mean , yeah , I got like 60 - 80 notifications and 20 and above friend requests for a day . It wasn 't that intriguing because I was used to it . It was tiring , you know ? People were flooding my wall by posting " Hey , how are you ? " and " Hey , I miss you " and even " OMG ! You 're so pretty ! " , but it wasn 't worth it at all because I didn 't gain money from it . I got bored and annoyed by those people so I replied them by saying " LOL " . God ! It was so boring that day and I was wishing for something fascinating to happen on that day ! So it did . My best friend called me . Her name is Marcia , and she has been my best friend since I was in 3rd Grade . " Hey , what 's up ? " I said . " And don 't even think of asking me if I manage to get a job or something , ' cause I swear to God I 'll rip off your hair if you do " " They said that they are willing to pay you four dollars per hour . Look , if you want to go there , you ring me okay ? I 'll join you too . I hate my current job right now . My boss is a pervert " I hung up and felt so relieved , knowing that there was hope for me to get a job . But what I was worried that they would do the same thing too . Hopefully not because I was dying to turn over a new leaf . First , I needed to tell my parents about this job so that they could give me their support . My parents were the only people that I could talk to , other than Marcia . This would sound weird , but they are also my best friends . I saw my mother in the kitchen . She was flicking every pages in her cook book , wondering what to cook for lunch . She was a brunette , long hair and a thin body , and she didn 't even look like in her forties . Well , maybe a bit but it wasn 't that obvious . Her name is Anneliese Frederick . She didn 't realize that I was standing stationary in front of her . Her thoughts were preoccupied from thinking about the recipe . " Mum ? " I broke the silence . She looked at me and smiled and pushed her book away . It was weird but she told me before that she had to focus on the people who were about to speak to her . It would be very rude if she wasn 't paying any attention on the speaker , that was what she told me . " Well that 's great ! It 's great for you . I mean , you 've been looking all over the place to get one right ? So why don 't you give it a try and see how it turns out " I looked outside the windows , there was a mother and a child . She was holding her child 's hand while walking down the pavement . They reminded me of my parents , my brother and my sister , and myself when I was a little girl . Somehow , I felt sad about it . And I suddenly produced a sad expression on my face . My mother noticed it and she was curious . " What 's wrong honey ? Don 't you feel happy about this job opportunity ? " she gently laid her hand on top of mine . I looked at her hand , which was still a young hand , but the aging process was obvious , and I held hers . " Mum ? I 'm starting a new life . And after I have some money to get myself to college , I 'll be leaving you alone with dad . Won 't you be lonely when I 'm gone ? " I said it calmly . She looked into my eyes with a happy - but - sad face . " Oh Annette . You 've been a good daughter for us . Yes , I 'll feel lonely . But at the same time , I 'm feeling proud of you , and myself for doing a good job as a mother " I tried to smile but this was a bit painful for me . I mean , I would leave her for living a new life of my own . Was this how it felt to be a grown up ? I was waiting for her to continue with her speeches . Suddenly , she stood up from her seat and went to the refrigerator and took off one of the pictures that she put on its door before . She looked at the pictures and she strolled towards me . She sat in front of me again , and showed me the picture . It was a picture of me with Andrew and Annabelle , my brother and my sister . " See this picture ? See how little you were ? The moment I took that picture , I imagined myself looking at three of you as adults . Having families of your own , being successful with your dream job . I saw all that in a second . And now , I can 't believe myself that it is coming true . Andrew is a step away from being a lecturer , and Annabelle is now a wife of a great man . And now it 's your turn . You are taking your steps towards all that . And I can 't be more proud than I am now . " I know that it will be hard to live without you Annette , but it is something that I must face for your own sake . You must live your life to the fullest ! The night you were born , I was praying to God , so that He will make you a better person in the future . And now He has answered my prayers . One day , when you 've met your true love , the man of your life , you will feel the same way too . Remember what I said to you Annette . I want you to feel the same way for your children too , " she ended her speech with tears . I looked at her , smiling weakly while looking back at me . I couldn 't hold my tears too but I didn 't want her to see me crying . So I smiled at her and said " I love you , mum " Suddenly , my father burst into the house by the front door while mumbling about his broken wrench . " Bah ! Such a pain in the neck ! You know that one of the sprinklers is busted , and I was about to fix it and suddenly my wrench is busted too ! " His name is Harrison and he was a bit muscular and hadn 't shaved for a while . After seeing my mother was in tears , he asked " Did I miss something ? " Mum swept her face and shook her head . I stood up to avoid any sudden questions and told him about the job . " Dad ! This afternoon , I 'll apply for a job at the new toy store . And I can 't wait to be an employee right now ! " I exclaimed . I strode towards him and hugged him happily . Oh wow , it had been a while since the last time I hugged him . I was getting taller I guess because I could put my chin on his shoulder now . He was a tall man . That explained the height of my brother , Andrew . Truly , it was a very happy moment , but at the same time , it was sad because I was taking my steps towards adulthood . That afternoon , I was preparing myself to go to the shopping mall and apply for that job . I was getting my lipstick on , and did my hair neatly , and wore smartly for the walk - in interview . I wore my favorite gray knitted dress which was made by Mum during my sixteenth Thanksgiving . Suddenly , I heard honks outside of the house . Must be Marcia , she had arrived in time . So I went down the stairs and saw Mum in the living room . So I gave her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and went outside . It was very exciting ! I couldn 't believe that I would finally get a job ! I entered Marcia 's car with a sweet smile on my face . The car was moving . On the way to the mall , I talked to Marcia about what happened earlier . And she said her mother did the same thing the morning before graduation . I think that 's what every mother will do when her children are taking their first steps towards adulthood . I guessed so . Thirty minutes later , I was standing in front of the toy store which had a ' Wanted ' sign on the window . So I was guessing this job would be easy to get because they were lacking of employees . The toy store wasn 't an ordinary toy store . It was a classic toy store with old but precious toys in it . Like an antique shop but for kids . So I went inside , looking for the manager of the store , and believe it or not , the cashier was also the manager . It was so sad to know that . That was why he was desperate . The manager was an old guy which probably in his late sixties with white hair and a bloated stomach " Hello there ! Looking for classic toys ? " the old manager asked us . Better , we were trying to help you . " Um ? Hello Mr . . . . " I glanced at his name tag and it flashed the name Sanders . " . . . Sanders " I continued . " Both of us are looking for a job and we heard that this store needs employees . I was wondering maybe we could apply for a position at this store ? " " Ah ! Yes , yes ! We need them very badly . Wait here , " he said . He went into the office of the store and searched for files . I wondered that he was searching for application forms for us . I was wandering around the store . It was kind of amusing to see the toys were moving and making funny noises . There were stuff animals and dolls on the rack and they worth a fortune too . Old , but expensive . Suddenly Marcia called me and showed me a toy , which was very fun to play with . It was a miniature wind up Merry - Go - Round . I twisted the winder and the Merry - Go - Round started to spin and produce a beautiful melody with LED light on the horses 's diamonds . I was enchanted by the toy . Seemed like I was a child who had fallen in love with a childish toy like that . " That is 1988 's " the manager 's voice startled both of us who were mesmerized by the toy . He was holding the forms . He was smiling and he looked like a kind old man with his smile . " No , no . It 's fine . I haven 't seen any adolescences like you which have interests in old toys these day . Even the children nowadays have no interest of playing with these old toys , " he told both of us . Sad , wasn 't it ? He handed us the forms and asked us to fill it up . We sat on the small chairs with a small table . Seemed like they were meant for children , or dwarfs . After filling it up , we handed the form back to Mr . Sanders . He smiled at us and said " Thank you Annette and Marcia . You can start tomorrow at 9am , " he smiled while speaking to us . Wait . . . What ? No interview ? We exited the store and babbled in excitement . We were planning to go shopping on our payday and hang out together . We were really happy at the moment . I called Mum to deliver the news and she was so happy for me . All of the excitement made us feeling thirsty and hungry . We were at the parking lot when suddenly Marcia realized that she had left her phone in the toy store . Hopefully the manager would be nice enough to keep it for her . Of course he would , he seemed like a nice old man too . She ran into the mall and went to the toy store . I was left alone outside of the mall . It wasn 't that hot . It was cloudy on that day . Lucky me or I 'd be burned by the sun . I had waited for Marcia for ten minutes and she hadn 't showed up . Damn ! I was starving ! Where was she ? Had some chit chat with the store manager ? I searched into my handbag and produced my phone . I called her and she picked up and said that she would reach me soon . Obliviously , someone was standing right behind me while I was on the phone with Marcia ! Suddenly , I felt something was being pressed on my backbone . " Don 't scream " It was a man . He was pointing a gun at me ! I was feeling so scared but I must not show my fear to him . I must calmly negotiate with him . " Okay , I will cooperate . I 'll give you my money , my phone , just please don 't kill me okay ? " He silenced and was still pointing the gun at my back . I was trying not to scream because he had warned me . He had been quiet for awhile and I was wondering what he was waiting for . " I don 't need your money . Don 't scream " What did he want with me then ! ? I was terrified when he said that he didn 't want my money . Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was completely engulfed by my fear . " Please don 't hurt me , please ? I 'm begging you . I 'll do whatever you want me to , okay ? " Suddenly , I heard someone was calling my name at the entrance of the mall . It was Marcia . Suddenly , the man produced a white cloth and put it on my face . It was chloroform . I was struggling to escape , but he was embracing me strongly . I could hear that Marcia was shouting my name over and over again and cried for help . She couldn 't do much of everything because she was terrified too . Slowly , I lost my consciousness and passed out . Marcia 's voice had faded away and I couldn 't see anything . And after that , I couldn 't remember a thing . What would happen to me ? Would I die that day ? Would I be raped by the man ? God knows . All I could do was praying , even though I was unconscious . I was praying to God that he wouldn 't hurt me . |
I was in a deep sleep , because last night , I was lacking of energy . I mean , I encountered a bear and fought with it . I wasn 't dreaming , but I could hear the birds were chirping outside of the cabin . I was too lazy to open my eyes , because I knew it was too early to wake up . Somehow , I was feeling comfortable with my sleep . The temperature had decreased by a few Celsius and it was relaxing . I fell asleep again and had this peculiar dream . In my dream , I was at a field and was chasing a rabbit . The rabbit was too fast and I couldn 't catch up with it , so I stopped and watched it ran away . It reminded me of my childhood when I was at my grandma 's house . There was a field and I loved to chase the rabbits there . Then , a bright light was blazing in front of my face and I was blinded by it . I squinted as I saw a figure in front of me with a rabbit in his embrace . I couldn 't make out who it was and eventually he had done me a favor . However , that guy seemed to know me . He started calling my name . His voice echoed as if we were in a hall . I kept squinting my eyes to see who was that man and it wasn 't helping at all . The light was scorching . " Annette . . . " he called me again . " Annette . . . ! Annette ! It 's time . . . Annette ! Wake up ! " It was Scott who was waking me up . I opened my eyes slowly and my eyes and my thoughts were still blurry . And then , I realized . I realized where I was sleeping on at that time . My head was on Scott 's lap . " Uh ? Good morning ? " said Scott . " Oh crap ! " I quickly sat and covered my mouth . " Uh ? Um ? I didn 't mean to . . . " " Don 't go too hard on yourself . I 'm good with it , " said Scott . " Had a nice sleep ? " " Yeah , " I replied while nodding . " We 're leaving now , " explained Scott . Again ? And I was worried if he brought me too far away from home . I didn 't want to have another road trip anymore . I wondered if the waitress had made a call to the police . There might be a road block on the way to the place that Scott wanted to bring me . Fingers crossed . " Where are we going next ? " I asked . If he would answer that . We stood up and I was still waiting for his answer , but he didn 't even whisper a thing . He brought me outside of the cabin and unlocked the cuff on his hand . He was going to cuff me again in the car . He dragged me by pulling the handcuff along with me and opened the car 's door . That day , he seemed emotionless , his face didn 't show any emotion . Not even angry . I was about to ask him for his behavior on that day , but it would be awfully weird . As if I was his sister , and as if I was being caring for him . Click ! The sound of the handcuff as soon as he locked it . " I 'm sorry that I have to do this , " he said . " Now get inside " . I did what he asked me to do . Soon after that , we were moving again , and I was being haunted by millions of questions in my mind . We were on the road again . The sky was dark blue and the air was a bit damp . It was a little foggy because the weather was getting colder than the day before . Not much of cars were seen on the road . It wasn 't a busy day at all . I assumed , there would be no road block . I guessed I had to be with him for a little longer . I wasn 't feeling afraid any longer , I was just confused . We could only listen to the sound of the car 's engine . We didn 't talk much that day , and believe it or not , it was killing me . I knew that Scott had something on his mind but I couldn 't figure out what it was . " Annette , can you turn on the radio for me ? " asked Scott . Sure . . . " I replied . And I turned on the radio and it was playing an unknown ( well for me it was ) song from the 90 's . Scott didn 't enjoy it . However , he didn 't ask me to turn it off . Instead , he let it be . Suddenly , the song stopped . We interrupt this program to deliver a news about a young lady who had been kidnapped yesterday evening . Her name is Annette Frederick and she is 19 - year - old with dark hair and estimated 5 ' 7 ' ' tall . The kidnapper is described to be tall and blonde and Caucasian and is driving a 1996 Volvo . Any information , please contact the authority . Your cooperation might help this helpless girl to return to her family . Thank you and God bless Annette Frederick . Back to you DJ . I was excited to know that the police was looking for me already . And I would be saved in no time . I was about to smile but I was afraid that Scott would see me . I looked at him and he didn 't even feel bothered by the news . " Looks like they are looking for you , " said Scott . Yeah . Looks like they are , " I replied . " Are you happy about it ? " Um ? Yes . . . I am happy about it " He smiled . Was I suppose to be worried by his smile ? He put his hand on his head and drove the car single - handed . Why was he doing that ? " I 'm going to take you to a place where it all ended , " said Scott grimly . " And . . . Where is . . . Where is that place ? " He looked at me , with a frightful look . He grinned and said " Soon , you 'll know " . Earlier when I met him , I was terrified that he would kill me , and we were in the woods , I saw another person who was lonely and needed attention and I was no longer afraid to be with him . However , at that time , I saw another person who would do horrible things to me , and the fear had crept back into my mind . This person could not be trusted and I had made the biggest mistake of my life , which was trusting him even for a bit . My heart beat quickly , and as if it was digging out of my chest . I was praying hard to God so He would help me in this situation . I was desperate to escape and I missed my family a lot . Maybe soon I would meet my Fate . Scott was sending chill down my spine . I imagined Scott was holding a knife and stabbed me to death , and how he scooped the ground and buried me inside it . I could see his dark smile when he had killed me . He made a turn and the road was leading us to a hill . I tried to be positive but thinking of " another summer camp " didn 't help me at all . There wouldn 't be another camp on top of the hill . It was a perfect murdering spot . The questions had been answered . A cemetery . I saw white and sturdy tombstones in a bright green field . " . . . a place where it all ended " I thought about Scott 's line . From that moment , I knew he was talking about Death . Whose death ! ? Was it going to be mine ! ? I shook my head in disbelief and cried and begged for freedom at him . " Please Scott ! Don 't kill me ! " I begged . Why ? Are you afraid of Death ? " he said . " You can 't be afraid of Death . Sooner it will find you and take you . You can 't escape it , " he explained . From that moment , I knew that he was being serious . " No , please ! I need my family ! I 'm not ready to die yet ! " " When Death has come to you , you are all alone " He parked his car near a sign board which had rusted and hadn 't been repaired for a long time . The grasses were already tall and bushy . People hadn 't come to this place recently . He went out of the car and went to the graveyard . It seemed like he was looking for someone 's grave . I was in the car alone , struggling to break the cuff off from the grab handle . " Somebody help me ! Help ! " I cried in the car , but it seemed impossible for someone to hear me . I knocked the window with my hand but ended having bruises on my fist . I was crying devastatingly . It was hopeless to escape . It was hopeless to live too . He had returned and opened up the door for me . " Where are you taking me ! ? " I demanded . I fought back when he was trying to pull me out of the car . I slapped him and I kicked him , but didn 't work at all . Once again , he cuffed me on his hand . He dragged me to one of the graves and I was kneeing weakly on the ground . There was a black tombstone in front of me , and there was a name transcribed on it . " Theresa Harding . Daughter . Sister . Friend . " " Say ' Hi ' to her , " said Scott . " What do you want from me ! ? " I cried . " Give her some respect " I didn 't even say ' Hi ' to that dead girl . It would be weird because I didn 't know her at all . I assumed that she was one of his victim too . He crouched and stared blankly at the tombstone , and he took a quick glance at me and continued to stare at the tombstone again . He giggled and looked down on the ground . My eyes were red and soaked , and I felt strange for him to do that . What exactly did he want from me ? Money ? Pleasure of killing an innocent girl ? " This was where it all ended , " Scott finally spoke . There was a huge maple tree , just beside the road , and Scott brought me under it . From there , I could see Theresa 's grave clearly . " Sit , " ordered Scott . Slowly and fearfully , I sat down and leaned over the big tree . My hand was still hanging up because Scott didn 't sit down . He was still standing , and suddenly , he took out a key from his back pocket and he showed it to me . " You see this ? " said Scott . It 's . . A key . . . " I said while stuttering . I didn 't know what was he going to do with the key , but suddenly he kneeled in front of me and took the handcuff and unlocked it , releasing my hand . I was shocked ! I was totally confused , I didn 't even know what was his intention towards me anymore , and the feeling was worse than death . He sat down and leaned just like I did . From there , he looked at Theresa 's grave devastatingly . From the moment he released me , I was feeling like running away . Damn ! I didn 't know what kept me sitting there by his side . I didn 't even making a budge to escape . " You can run if you want to , " Scott made a very peculiar order . " Why . . . Why are you letting me go ? " I asked . " This place was where it all ended , and once again , history will repeat itself , " said Scott while looking down . Hesitatingly , I stood up and stared at him for the last time . He was giving me freedom , weird but true . I couldn 't believe that I was finally free . However , was there any agenda ? I walked backward slowly , just to make sure that he didn 't follow me . I thought I was far enough , and I sprinted along the road . For seconds . I turned around and looked at the maple tree , and I could see him from there . His eyes and his body language , made it hard for me to leave . He didn 't hurt me or threatened to kill me , he did , but once and he didn 't do it . I wanted to know his story . I remembered what my counselor had always said , " First impression is a foolish act if you don 't know the person yet " . Maybe he wasn 't a person that I thought he was . However , he did kidnap me and that was a crime . If I went back to him , and God knows where he would take me next . I turned around and tried to run again , but my feet were kind of glued to the road , and once again I looked at Scott . " I hate you , Annette ! I really do , " I whispered to myself . I walked back to Scott . I saw him sitting peacefully under the tree , and the scenario was noiseless . He kept staring at the grave , which probably he knew the deceased very much . I was standing a foot away from him , and suddenly he turned his head at me . " Why didn 't you run ? " he asked . " I 'm not really sure why . Maybe because of you ? " I explained . " Because of me ? Why ? " " Stupid isn 't it ? But yeah , I think that 's the main reason why I didn 't leave " I approached him and sat beside him . I was wondering what to ask and what to talk about with him . I wasn 't a really good talker , but I was a very good listener . " Can you tell me more about yourself , Scott ? " I asked . So he did tell me his life story . " I 'm an orphan , and I barely had a friend . In the orphanage , I was the quiet one . I didn 't talk , I didn 't play . But somehow , during that summer camp , I felt free and I was forgetting that I had no family . After the summer camp , I returned to school and was broken , because they were my family and I got separated from them . It took me two years to get that thing off of my head and to move on with my life , " he said . He regarded my eyes for some seconds . " You know what ? I 'm not suppose to tell you this . We 'll stop here " " No ! No ! I 'm listening ! Please , I just want to know something about you . Anything ! " I said . " What do you care ? Huh ? All of a sudden you are interested to know me . Before this you were dying to escape and now here you are , sitting beside me and listening to my life stories ! " " Scott , please ! I 'm thinking differently about you now . And it doesn 't make any sense but I thiI was still on the ground , watching him leave . It was all my fault for not letting him to have a chance to talk about himself . I wasn 't going to give up , that wasn 't what my heart was telling me to do . I stood up and yelled his name . However he was ignoring me . " Scott ! " I tried again . " Scott , look at me ! " He didn 't respond and kept on walking to his car . " Theresa ! " I yelled . He stopped . " Theresa ! She would be so disappointed in you ! Whoever she was to you , she would be downhearted to see you as a coward ! You 're a lonely guy who doesn 't have anyone to talk to and when you do , you are backing off from me . She wanted you to live your life freely and now you 're giving yourself up to the police and you have no idea how does it feel like to be imprisoned , " I exclaimed . He turned his head to me and glared at me . I had pushed his button now and he almost reached his boiling point . " Don 't you dare saying something that you don 't know . Especially about Theresa , " he warned me . " Yeah , yeah ! Maybe I don 't know you that well yet , but at least I know something now . You are a coward ! A coward who is afraid to tell about his past and yet he is still kidnapping someone for no reason . I know what is your intention of kidnapping me ! You 're lonely and you need someone to talk to and when you do , you 're thinking that you 're making a big mistake . Well guess what ? You are wrong ! " " Stop it ! I swear I 'll kill you for this , " demanded Scott . He was stamping towards me and I knew that I wasn 't making a good decision . " Oh I 'm tired of listening to your threat and I 'm tired of you ! " He was standing in front of me with his beastly look . I didn 't feel afraid and yet , I was still continuing my speech . " You 're keeping all your problem to yourself and it is killing you . I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it deep inside you ! You 're dying and you 're giving up ! If I were Theresa , I would be very devastated to see you in a situation like this . What a sad person you are " " I 'm warning you again , don 't speak of Theresa ! " " Why ? Why don 't you want me to talk about Theresa ? Does it bother you ? We are standing in front of her grave and she might be seeing you like this in Heaven but does that bother you at all ? And you are feeling irritated because I keep on mentioning her name ? What kind of a sick joke are you ? You are afraid to move on with your life without her . YOU ARE A COWARD ! " I yelled . Later , I realized that I was on the ground , holding my cheek . He slapped me and I was petrified on the ground . My lips were bleeding and I had a bruise on my cheek . He was a really strong man . He saw my bleeding mouth and suddenly , and slowly he took the weight of his feet on the ground . I didn 't do anything , not even moving . " I 'm . . . I 'm sorry , " he said . " I 'm so sorry . . . I didn 't . . . I didn 't mean to hurt you , " . He was doing his best to apologize to me . I knew that he was regretting it . His expression had changed . I couldn 't believe my eyes , his eyes were watery and suddenly , a single drop of tear could be seen on his cheek . " She left me and . . . I 'm all alone . . . My life . . . is Hell , " he explained . I sympathized him . " I was such a control freak and I should have done something to stop her . And I will never get the chance to save her anymore . God ! I have such guilt over her and I don 't want to feel the same way to you , " he explained . I crawled slowly to him and I put my hand on his shoulder . I had no idea on how to make him feel better . I knew that he regretted of hurting me earlier , and I thought he did the same thing to Theresa and he could never forgive himself for that . " It 's okay . I 'm okay . We are going to get through this . I promise , " I told him . I wrapped my hands around him and I rested my head on his . It would sound insane , but this kidnapper wasn 't bad . From deep inside of me , I knew that I would do him a favor for his future . I had my fingers crossed for it . We were definitely in the woods . There was a path leading to somewhere in it , and I was suspecting that Scott was taking me to the deepest part of it . In my mind , he could easily kill me without being heard . That moment , I was trembling . Could this be the end of my life ? I was so scared until my tears were soaking my cheeks . And I could see Mum and Dad , Andrew , Annabelle and Marcia in my head . Somehow , I missed them so much and I was scared that I wouldn 't have the chance to see them again . I loved them so much . The road was bumpy so I accidentally hit the bruised part of my forehead on the window . It was painful , so I held my head and moaned . Ahead , I saw a building , a cabin actually , an abandoned one . I was guessing he was bringing me to the cabin . But what for ? The sky has already darken . and I could see the moon already . I guessed he wanted to stay for a night here . Was he crazy ? Of course . He stopped his car not far from the cabin . He went out from the car and examined the place . There was a well , and a boat rack and also a sign board which the writing had faded . It must be an old camping site . The cabin was entirely made of strong woods and it had fireplace too . Scott returned to the car and opened the door for me . " Here we are , " he said to me . And yes , of course , my right hand was still cuffed on the grab handle . I didn 't respond to him . I was scared . Maybe this would be the end of me . He would kill me and dumped me into the well like they used to do on TV . Okay , Annette , be positive . " I 'm feeling sticky . Don 't you ? " he asked me . What did he mean by that ? He released me from the cuff and warned me " This place is dangerous . Wild animals are wandering in the dark , so running away won 't be a wise act , " he maybe had a point there . And yet , I was feeling like running away from him right now . Either being killed by him , or the animals . Okay , I was trapped . I had no choice but to follow him . He was holding my hand while walking through the bushes and the dark . How could he see in the dark ? Suddenly , I heard something , and it wasn 't an animal . It was soothing and calming . Waves . Maybe there was a lake ahead of us . And I was right , there was a lake . A huge lake to be exact . It wasn 't dark there as the moonlight was so bright and beautiful . It was as if dawn . I saw a boat , roped by the jetty . We were approaching the boat . " You 're not going for a swim , are you ? " I said in fear . He looked at me and grinned " Better , " he said . He untied the rope and asked me to get on the boat . " No , no ! Of course not ! I won 't do such a thing ! " I yelled at him . He glared at me once more , and I was feeling intimidated by his glare . " I said , get on the boat , " he demanded . I had nothing to lose , so I took my first step into the boat , and then I sat down quietly , but terrified . He went on the boat and started rowing . I looked up in the sky , and I saw millions of stars glimmering in the galaxy . Too bad that was my final chance to enjoy such a beautiful panorama . We were now in the middle of the lake , and Scott had stopped rowing . Scott was staring at the stars too and he was amazed by them . I looked at him and he was totally mesmerized by the stars . He silenced and stared at me . I could see that he had loneliness in his eyes . I turned my head away because I didn 't like seeing him stared at me . My heart was pumping really fast at the moment . I was feeling so terrified . He kept staring at me , and I felt strange about it . " What are you staring at ? " I asked . He didn 't reply , but this time he looked into the water . Oh God , what was he going to do ? I was hesitating but I did what he asked me to do . I was balancing myself because the boat was moving and shaking while I was standing up . " Take my hand , " offered Scott . I took his hand and tried to balance myself again . And it worked . The boat didn 't shake anymore . It was balanced now . " Okay ? " he said . I nodded while looking down . I didn 't like him to look at me . " Take off your shoes , now , " he ordered again . I didn 't feel good about this . I didn 't bend over to take off my shoes , instead , I was using my foot to do so . What was he going to do now ? He kept on giving weird orders . Suddenly , he swung my hand to the left , bringing my body into the water ! I was struggling to breathe and to keep myself floating on the surface of the water ! I was gasping for air and tried to swim away , but which way should I swim to ? He was laughing , and was making fun of me . Did he think that was fun ? I almost drowned ! " Fun ? Fun ! ? Do you think this is fun ! ? I almost drowned and you can still have a good laugh about it ! ? " I yelled at him . He stripped his singlet off and his jeans , leaving him in a pair of boxer . As soon as he did that , he dived into the lake and swam around . I held on the hull of the boat to keep myself floating and watched Scott swam in the lake . He was a good swimmer . And then he approached me , and suddenly went underneath , leaving me in suspense . There was no sound of him and it made me feel scared . Suddenly , I felt his hands were grabbing my legs and pulled me underwater . The shimmering light helped me to see Scott 's face in the water . The scenery under the lake was so beautiful . I could see the weeds , and fishes and the glimmering stones . It was so amazing ! Then , Scott pulled me up again to the surface , and both of us were gasping for air . Then , we went back on the boat , and was still panting . He took the paddles and rowed to the bank . As soon as we reached the bank , he picked up his clothes and my shoes . He left the boat untied and watched the boat being taken away by the waves . " Well , that 's it for now . Bye bye boat , " he said . He offered his hand again . And this time , without any fear or doubt , I grabbed it and we walked back to the cabin . He searched in the car for his bag , and he found it , he gave it to me . " There are some clothes I bought earlier this afternoon . Why don 't you try it on ? Since your clothes are wet now , " he said . I took it and searched for clothes in the bag . And there was a long sleeved T - shirt and a tracksuit in it . It wasn 't fashionable but at least I had something to wear . Liar . He would take a peep if he had the chance . But , where else should I change ? I went to the back of the car , and changed . Wait a minute . My hand wasn 't cuffed and Scott wasn 't looking . I thought this would be a right time for me to run away . However , I was scared because of the wandering wild animals . If I 'd be more careful , I wouldn 't encounter them . " Done ? " yelled Scott . " Not yet ! " I replied . Okay , this would be the brightest chance for me . Scott was such an idiot . I peeped at him and he was still looking away . I ran . I ran as fast as I could into the woods . I was searching for the road which we used to come here . " Hey ! Come back ! " shouted Scott as soon as he found out that I was running away from him . I ignored him and kept on running away . However , I couldn 't find the road . So I just ran without looking back . If he got me again , I would be killed . I was running for five minutes , and I still couldn 't find any road . And I was in the middle of the dark and couldn 't see anything . So I rested my back on a tree and panted for air . I was tired , but I must kept on going before I got caught again . The woods was pitch dark , and was creepy . I could hear the sound of bats and wolves . I didn 't have to worry about it because they sounded from afar . Suddenly , there was an entity in front of me . And I knew it was Scott . I was scared that he would kill me on the spot . I was crying because I felt like I was losing hope of living . " Oh Scott , please don 't hurt me . I just want to live my life happily and I want to be with my family . Please don 't kill me here ! I just want to go home , " I begged him . He was approaching me and I couldn 't stop crying . However , his movement was strange , as if he was crawling or tottering or something , as if he was drunk . And I knew right that instance that that wasn 't Scott , right after it stood up gallantly and roared . It was a bear ! I couldn 't believe my eyes and I was petrified by the roar . My body collapsed on the ground but I didn 't fall unconscious . I was still looking at it ! It was huge and seemed starving ! Oh God , I was actually going to be killed by a bear ! It was approaching me slowly , step by step and roared again . The roaring made me feel so horrified ! Out of the blue , there was a fireball hurled to the bear . No , it wasn 't a fireball . It was a torch . It seemed like a fireball because I was in the dark . It was Scott . He waved the torch to cast the bear away from there . However , the bear wasn 't in the mood to surrender . It swung it paws to attack Scott , but Scott managed to dodge every single strike from the bear and performed a counter attack by pressing the torch against the bear 's skin . The bear moaned in pain but it didn 't mean that it had been defeated . It swept Scott 's legs and forced him to drop himself on the ground . The bear was standing proudly in front of defeated Scott as if it was saying " I owned you humans " . The bear had raised its paw to give Scott the fatal blow on his head . Suddenly , my brain and my body worked by itself . I picked up the torch which Scott accidentally dropped it from the fall and threw it directly on the bear 's nose . It was moaning painfully and tried to extinguish the fire from its nose . It ran away afterwards , leaving us unhurt . We walked to the cabin and I regretted for running away , unarmed , in the dark woods . I brought the torch too because Scott asked me to . Scott was mad . I could feel his anger . I was mad too because I couldn 't find the way out . " After this , I 'll cuff your hand to mine . So you won 't run away again , " said Scott . I was angry but I was too tired to fight back . So I shut myself up and kept on walking . Back at the cabin , he had cuffed my left hand to his right hand . So both of us were stuck together , and I couldn 't run away any longer . I threw the torch into the fireplace as soon as Scott had put the kerosene and some firewood in it . The flame engulfed the woods in seconds . And the heat could be felt too . Both of us sat in front of the fireplace while leaning against the wall . I was tired , and so was Scott . He was no longer feeling angry . We could hear the snapping sound of the woods from the fireplace . Both of us didn 't talk for a moment there . He didn 't answer and he looked away . I was expecting that too . He wasn 't talkative . He talked when he wanted to . I gave up and sat quietly while looking at the fireplace . Somehow , the fire amused me . " No . She 's my guardian . I called her Sister . She sent me here to meet more friends . I was ten years old back then . It was fun here . I loved my friends and the wardens . They were my family here . We ate together , swam together in the lake , played together , and slept together . For a month and a half Annette , I couldn 't be more happier , " he moved his head and looked at me . His hazel green eyes were shimmering and I could see my reflection in it . " I learned many things here . To cook , to swim , to paddle the boat , everything . Until one day , all of us had to leave the camp . The session had ended . We cried , yeah . . . But there was nothing we could do right ? " " We said goodbye and from that day , we 'd never seen each other again . We were kids and we had no cell phones or emails . Nothing . I miss them , a lot . That 's why I brought you here with me . I want to relive the memories which I had with them here , " he said . Once again , he turned his head away . I felt his loneliness at that moment . I thought , that was why he had kidnapped me . Not for money or sex . He just wanted to be accompanied . But why he had to do it wrongly ? It didn 't mean that I was feeling comfortable with him , I was still thinking a way to escape . I felt sorry for him , but at the same time , I was furious because he separated me with my family . I looked at the fire again , trying to calm myself down . I was too tired to be mad . " Scott ? You can 't do this okay ? You can 't force me to be with you . If you do it correctly , I 'll understand but you 're doing it wrongly , and it 's against the law ! " He didn 't move at all . " Scott ? " I shook his body slowly . He had fallen into a deep sleep already . I smiled . I had no explanation why did I smile . Suddenly , I just did . " Goodnight , Scott " I couldn 't figure out on what to do . All I could do was screaming and crying . I knew that it wouldn 't help my best friend , Annette , who was being dragged by a thug into his car . I was panicking and I couldn 't think straight . People in the mall were just staring at me and thought that I was going mad . I felt like the ground was spinning underneath my feet , making me confused . Tears were soaking my face . And seriously , I looked like a crazy girl . Until a noble man came across me and asked me what was going on and asked me to calm down . " Miss ! Miss ! Please calm down and tell me what happen ! " said the man . " Please ! Please , someone help Annette ! " I shouted . " Who 's Annette . And what had happened to her ? " He asked me . " Annette is being kidnapped by a man ! Please you gotta help her ! " The man 's eyes were bulging as soon as he found out what was going on . He took out his phone and dialed ' 911 ' . He put his hand around me , just to calm me down . However , it wasn 't helping at all . He spoke to the operator and briefly explained what had happened . " Calm down okay miss ? The policemen are on their way here , " said the man as soon as he hung up . He caressed my hair and waited for the policemen with me . Ten or fifteen minutes later , the policemen had arrived and interrogated me on the spot . They asked me for the man 's appearances and what kind of car that he was using . I couldn 't remember a thing about the man . What I 'd seen that he was tall and was Caucasian . About the car , maybe it was Volvo or Toyota ? Obviously , I was being useless at the moment . I went to my car and started the engine and drove away from the mall . In my mind , I was scared to see her mother , wondering what to tell her about this , or would she be mad , or my relationship with the family would be ruined . Anything could happen . I didn 't care . As long as Annette returns safely to her family . The policemen were following me from behind . I needed to be more helpful than I was earlier . What I remembered that the guy was tall and had scruffy hair . And I was quite sure that he was driving a Volvo . We had arrived to the Frederick 's residence and I saw Annette 's mother was watering the flowers in her yard . She seemed amused and happy with her flowers . However , I would deliver an unpleasant message to her . I went out of the car and called her name . She turned around and smiled at me . I couldn 't help it , I cried as soon as she looked at me . Her expression had changed . I went closer to her and gave her a hug and she was confused , plus worried too . " What 's wrong Marcia ? Is everything alright ? Where 's Annette ? " she asked me a question that I could barely answer . The policemen were approaching us and Anneliese were getting more concerned about the situation . I held on to Anneliese as strong as I could . I could feel that she was collapsing . Her knees went weak and suddenly , she was embracing me tightly and cried . " Oh my God , Annette ! " she was whimpering . Her heart was totally fragmented . Three hours of disappointment , I couldn 't help them . We were in the living room and a sketch artist was sitting in front of me while holding a sketch book and a pencil . And currently , the book was clear as if it was untouched , because I couldn 't give any description on the man . Anneliese and Harrison were standing beside the fireplace and Anneliese was biting her nail impatiently . She must be disappointed in me . " This seems useless , " I said to the sketch artist . I knew that I wasn 't doing any help . Anneliese was covering her eyes and sighed in distress . " Okay , it 's alright . We can figure out another way to help your friend . My team is working on the posters , so you have nothing to worry about it . We 'll find her soon , " explained the sketch artist . Anneliese was glaring at the sketch artist in disbelief . She was about to explode . I could see that from her eyes . " ' You have nothing to worry about it ' ? What are you talking about ? My daughter is with a psychopath and you 're telling us there is nothing to worry about ? How could you say that ? " said Anneliese irritatingly . " Ma ' am , we 're doing our best to help your daughter . We are doing posters and examining the CCTV of the mall . We are also searching for her outside of the town . So all you have to do is calmly wait for the results , " he explained . The sketch artist was staring at Anneliese , he couldn 't say anything by now . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll make sure of that , " he said approvingly . " No ! Don 't do that ! Stop her ! " But it was too late . Anneliese had already dialed Annette 's number and waited impatiently for the kidnapper to answer the phone . Suddenly , the call had been terminated and Anneliese wanted to try again , but this time , her phone had already been switched off . " No ! No ! No ! Please don 't do this ! " yelled Anneliese . She was calling Annette over and over again which probably seemed impossible for the kidnapper to answer it . She was devastated . Harrison went closer to her and hugged her . He knew that they must rely on the authority from now on . There was nothing much they could do . Not long after that , Annette 's brother and sister , Andrew and Annabelle , had arrived home . Andrew was anxious to know the progress of the investigation , and was disappointed when the policemen said they hadn 't found anything yet . And suddenly , someone knocked the door . Annabelle opened the door and found two detectives and they flashed their FBI badges at her . " Good evening . I 'm Detective Wong and this is my partner Detective Butler . We are here to help you with the finding . And hopefully you 'll cooperate with us , " explained Detective Wong . She was a detective with red - blood leather jacket and was Chinese oriented with short hair , and the other one was tall and muscular with a canvas coat . " We are still investigating . . . " suddenly , Detective Wong 's phone rang and she picked it up . " Detective Wong , " she said . She was nodding and focusing on the caller . Her eyes squinted and obviously she was having a good news . " Okay . Thanks for the information , " she said and hung up " Good news , there was a call from a diner outside of town which is probably an hour and a half away from here and they mentioned that they have seen your sister with a man . They were having their meal there , " explained Detective Wong . Annabelle 's eyes were bulging in excitement . Finally we had received a news which we were waiting for a long time . I knew that I was in a moving vehicle . However , my head was spinning around and I felt like I had just been hit by a car . I felt so dizzy , and my eyes were blurry . I swore to God that I could smell a roasted chicken . And God I was starving to death ! Then , I realized that my right hand was cuffed on the grab handle . Slowly , I regained my consciousness and looked at the road outside the window . I was at a highway but I couldn 't figure which one was it . I slowly turned my head to the driver , the one who kidnapped me . He was pale blonde and had scruffy hair with hazel green eyes and hadn 't shaved . He was wearing a stained white singlet and a pair of thorny jeans . He seemed like a homeless guy who had been in the streets for the rest of his life . " You have awaken , " he said to me without even looking at me . His voice was manly but young , and seemed like he was twenty or above . " Who are you ? And what do you want from me ? " I spoke with a weak voice because I was hungry and had no energy for talking . He silenced and didn 't respond to my question . He kept on driving without saying any word . I smelled the stench of a roasted chicken and my stomach was grumbling because of it . Maybe the guy had lunch while I was unconscious . He took a quick glance at me and touched my tummy . I was scared that he would do something painful to me , but I had no strength to fight back or even to cry . " Are you hungry ? " he asked me with a low voice . Of course I was . There was a bag underneath his legs . He took out a plastic bag which flashed ' K - Mart ' on it . He had been shopping too . Inside , there were three vanilla creamed bun which covers were colorful and had a picture of an animated elephant on it . I didn 't care about the cuteness of the cover . I tore off the cover with my teeth since I didn 't have enough hand to use . I wolfed down a bun in seconds because I was so hungry . Once more he searched into his bag and took out a bottle of water . I didn 't really need it until the second bun . I coughed in pain because I was choking on it . " Whoa . Slow down there . Eat it slowly , " he spoke again while I was drinking . I continued on eating the bun except this time , I took his advice on eating it slowly . " Please send me home . I don 't want to be with you . I just got a job and my life is almost starting and I don 't want you to end it . Please just let me go and I swear to God that I won 't tell , " I begged while having a mouth full . " I don 't even know you ! Sooner or later , the police will find you and take you to jail ! Is that what you want , huh ! ? " I exclaimed . Once again , he silenced himself and kept on driving . That was the first time I yelled on a criminal and didn 't get punched or slapped . Usually on TV , they do that to the victim if she 's pissing him off . I was angry and scared at the same time . I was thinking a way of escaping which was almost impossible because I didn 't know where to go . I wasn 't familiar with this highway . He might had brought me away from the town . " Please let me go . I won 't tell . I promise , " I begged to him again . I knew that it would be the same answer , but I couldn 't give up on this . " What ? Do you think that this is Dr . Phil 's show ? You 're kidnapping me ! Don 't you realize that ! ? This is not Barney and Friends ! " Once again I 'd yelled at him , but it seemed like he was a calm man . He didn 't even try to get me mad , but I was feeling furious at him for taking me away . He tried to touch my hair and I slapped his hand away . " Don 't touch me ! " I exclaimed . He looked at me in disappointment and continued on driving . " You will find out soon , " he said . Suddenly , I got goosebumps all over my body . Was he trying to kill me ? Or trying to rape me ? Suddenly , my phone rang . It was inside my pocket all the time . Scott looked at me as if he was worried about it . And I looked at him and my pocket , trying to figure out on how to answer the call . He shockingly stopped the car and pulled over at the sideways . Quickly , I took out my phone ( thankfully he didn 't cuff my left hand , and the phone was inside my left pocket ) , and he swiftly snatched my hand , and both of us were struggling to have the phone . " Let go off me ! " I yelled at him , and continued to fight for the phone . " Give me the phone ! " he yelled back at me . I 'd seen a chance of punching him and I took it before I lost it . I punched him right in the face and he recovered so quickly and grabbed my hand again . Unfortunately , he won the fight and snatched my phone from my hand . I was panting and glared at him in anger . He looked at my phone and read the name of the person who was calling me . It was from my house . Someone , whether Dad or Mum had found out that I was being kidnapped . Marcia , you did a really good job ! " Home , " he said to me . " Maybe it is your mother , Annette , " he continued . I didn 't say a thing , hopefully he wouldn 't throw my phone out of the window . He switched off the phone and squeezed it , unpleasantly . He threw my phone into his bag and started to drive again . " Fuck you , Scott ! " I couldn 't withstand my anger any longer . " You 're going to the fucking Hell , and I will be fucking happy ! Son of a bitch like you don 't deserve to live in happiness ! You fucking bastard ! " And suddenly , I made a wrong decision which was pulling his hair . " Aaarrggh ! " I screamed and shouted furiously . The car was going out of control as if it was being driven by a drunk man . Scott was screaming in pain and was trying to take control of his car again . The vehicles behind us were honking madly at us and the situation was completely chaotic . The car hit the steel divider and produced sparkling embers as the car was scratched by the divider . He managed to escape from my grasp and I tried to do it again . However , I didn 't have the chance as he slapped me right in my left cheek and my head spun and landed hard on the window . It was painful but I didn 't pass out . That was the most strongest slap I 've ever had . " Oh yeah ? You are going to kill me either so what do I care ? Huh ! I 'll fight ' til my last breath ! " I was being stubborn . I was about to strike again , but suddenly , he took out his gun and pointed directly at my forehead . " STAY THERE ! " he exclaimed . I could see that his hand was shivering . Maybe from the fear of killing me , or the fear of losing control of his car earlier . I was scared too . I mean , I didn 't want him to plant a bullet in my brain , so that time , I surrendered . I sat quietly and was still glaring at him furiously . He put his gun down and focused on his driving again while panting for air . The sky was getting dark , and the sun was almost set . And I was still wondering where he would take me to . I was feeling a little bit exhausted from the fight , and a bit hungry . I ate only three pieces of bun and it wasn 't enough . I needed a whole set of lunch . " I 'm sorry for what I did earlier , " he apologized to me . I was stunned by his words . He was a kidnapper , he shouldn 't be apologizing to his victim ? Should he ? " I had too okay ? You forced me to do it , " he continued . Was he having a mental breakdown or something ? He was actually apologizing to me ! I looked at his face , and I saw a regretful look . Maybe he was regretting for what he did to me . I was confused . I didn 't know how to tell him , but I had to before I passed out from hunger . " Scott ? " he didn 't answer me . " Scott , I 'm . . . I 'm hungry , " I didn 't care . He wasn 't deaf anyway . " Hungry ? " he paused . " There 's a diner just a couple of miles from here . But I don 't know if I can trust you on this . You might scream for help in that diner " Okay , that was I would do too . But I needed to convince him that I wouldn 't do such a thing . " Scott , I promise to you that I won 't scream . Okay ? I 'm hungry . And it 's killing me . Please ? " I said . He looked at me and I made a sympathetic expression so that he could stop for a meal . " Okay . But if you scream , I will kill everyone in that diner . Including you , if I have to , " he stated . I was pretty sure that I wouldn 't be more care less about the people there . As far as I concerned , I wanted to escape . We had arrived at the diner , at the parking lot . " Remember , don 't scream . Okay ? " he mentioned . I nodded . He took off the cuff with a key and I held my right hand as it felt stiff . He got out from the car and took me with him afterwards . I was thinking a way of escaping before we entered the diner . Maybe I should run for it now . After I took my first step into the diner , I saw a mother with her child , and an old man with his old wife . I remembered what Scott said if I escaped , he would kill everyone in the diner . At that moment , I didn 't have the heart to let the people in that diner die because of me . I would carry the guilt for my entire life . We sat quietly and waited for the waiter to come and take our orders . There was an African - American woman who strode towards us , with pink clothes and white apron . She seemed nice . As soon as she reached us , she took out her pen and her notebook . " Now , what would you like to have ? " she asked us . Scott was looking at me , waiting for my order . " I 'm not eating , " said Scott . Both Scott and the waitress were staring at me . The waitress was writing my order while staring confusingly at me . " Are you okay honey ? " all of a sudden , she asked me as if she knew what was happening to me . Scott was glaring at me , expecting my answers . I swore to God that I could hear his heart was beating fast , and the sound of him squeezing his hands really tight . " Really ? Are you sure ? What 's with the bruise on your forehead ? " she replied . Damn , she noticed my bruise from the blow earlier . " Oh ! Silly me . I had an accident in the bathroom . I slipped and knocked my head on the wall . Accident happens you know ? " I answered while giggling . Ten minutes later , my burger had arrived along with the newspaper that Scott asked for earlier . " Um ? Can I have some ketchup please ? " I ordered again . The waitress smiled at me and went to the cashier and took two sachets of ketchup for me . That gave me a bright idea , but I must be careful around Scott . I ate the burger slowly and only God knows how good it tasted like . And I was enjoying the food as if I had nothing to worry about . I took a sip of the soda and the cold sensation of the drink rejuvenated me . I 'd gained a lot of energy from eating the burger . " You really like burger , don 't you ? " suddenly Scott talked to me . I nodded slowly while engulfing it . He grinned as soon as I 'd nodded . Weird . He continued on reading the newspaper . I 'd finished eating the burger but I didn 't tell Scott about it . I had a plan . Hopefully it would work . I tore off the cover of the ketchup and slowly , I transcribed the word ' HELP ' on the plate . Scott didn 't notice it since he was focusing on reading the news . I covered the plate with a napkin , but carefully so it wouldn 't ruin it . After that , he returned to me and picked me up by my hand . The waitress went to our table as soon as we walked away from it . Hopefully she would get the message that I wrote on the plate . Outside , I kept on observing at the waitress through the window and suddenly , she looked at me with an unpleasant face , meaning she had read the message . I could read her lips and she was saying " Oh my God " . And then she nodded agreeably . She would help me . Help would come soon . It was not typical for a teenage girl like me to stay at home and did nothing after graduated from high school . I wasn 't lazy , it was just that , no one would ever want to employ me . I went to the local restaurant , bar , library , and even computer center to look for a job . They didn 't even want to interview me . What they said was " I 'll call you later " . But they never did . So there I was , listening to my iPod while going on Facebook . I did this for like over 3 months , and I felt bored like Hell ' cause nothing interesting happened on Facebook . I mean , yeah , I got like 60 - 80 notifications and 20 and above friend requests for a day . It wasn 't that intriguing because I was used to it . It was tiring , you know ? People were flooding my wall by posting " Hey , how are you ? " and " Hey , I miss you " and even " OMG ! You 're so pretty ! " , but it wasn 't worth it at all because I didn 't gain money from it . I got bored and annoyed by those people so I replied them by saying " LOL " . God ! It was so boring that day and I was wishing for something fascinating to happen on that day ! So it did . My best friend called me . Her name is Marcia , and she has been my best friend since I was in 3rd Grade . " Hey , what 's up ? " I said . " And don 't even think of asking me if I manage to get a job or something , ' cause I swear to God I 'll rip off your hair if you do " " They said that they are willing to pay you four dollars per hour . Look , if you want to go there , you ring me okay ? I 'll join you too . I hate my current job right now . My boss is a pervert " I hung up and felt so relieved , knowing that there was hope for me to get a job . But what I was worried that they would do the same thing too . Hopefully not because I was dying to turn over a new leaf . First , I needed to tell my parents about this job so that they could give me their support . My parents were the only people that I could talk to , other than Marcia . This would sound weird , but they are also my best friends . I saw my mother in the kitchen . She was flicking every pages in her cook book , wondering what to cook for lunch . She was a brunette , long hair and a thin body , and she didn 't even look like in her forties . Well , maybe a bit but it wasn 't that obvious . Her name is Anneliese Frederick . She didn 't realize that I was standing stationary in front of her . Her thoughts were preoccupied from thinking about the recipe . " Mum ? " I broke the silence . She looked at me and smiled and pushed her book away . It was weird but she told me before that she had to focus on the people who were about to speak to her . It would be very rude if she wasn 't paying any attention on the speaker , that was what she told me . " Well that 's great ! It 's great for you . I mean , you 've been looking all over the place to get one right ? So why don 't you give it a try and see how it turns out " I looked outside the windows , there was a mother and a child . She was holding her child 's hand while walking down the pavement . They reminded me of my parents , my brother and my sister , and myself when I was a little girl . Somehow , I felt sad about it . And I suddenly produced a sad expression on my face . My mother noticed it and she was curious . " What 's wrong honey ? Don 't you feel happy about this job opportunity ? " she gently laid her hand on top of mine . I looked at her hand , which was still a young hand , but the aging process was obvious , and I held hers . " Mum ? I 'm starting a new life . And after I have some money to get myself to college , I 'll be leaving you alone with dad . Won 't you be lonely when I 'm gone ? " I said it calmly . She looked into my eyes with a happy - but - sad face . " Oh Annette . You 've been a good daughter for us . Yes , I 'll feel lonely . But at the same time , I 'm feeling proud of you , and myself for doing a good job as a mother " I tried to smile but this was a bit painful for me . I mean , I would leave her for living a new life of my own . Was this how it felt to be a grown up ? I was waiting for her to continue with her speeches . Suddenly , she stood up from her seat and went to the refrigerator and took off one of the pictures that she put on its door before . She looked at the pictures and she strolled towards me . She sat in front of me again , and showed me the picture . It was a picture of me with Andrew and Annabelle , my brother and my sister . " See this picture ? See how little you were ? The moment I took that picture , I imagined myself looking at three of you as adults . Having families of your own , being successful with your dream job . I saw all that in a second . And now , I can 't believe myself that it is coming true . Andrew is a step away from being a lecturer , and Annabelle is now a wife of a great man . And now it 's your turn . You are taking your steps towards all that . And I can 't be more proud than I am now . " I know that it will be hard to live without you Annette , but it is something that I must face for your own sake . You must live your life to the fullest ! The night you were born , I was praying to God , so that He will make you a better person in the future . And now He has answered my prayers . One day , when you 've met your true love , the man of your life , you will feel the same way too . Remember what I said to you Annette . I want you to feel the same way for your children too , " she ended her speech with tears . I looked at her , smiling weakly while looking back at me . I couldn 't hold my tears too but I didn 't want her to see me crying . So I smiled at her and said " I love you , mum " Suddenly , my father burst into the house by the front door while mumbling about his broken wrench . " Bah ! Such a pain in the neck ! You know that one of the sprinklers is busted , and I was about to fix it and suddenly my wrench is busted too ! " His name is Harrison and he was a bit muscular and hadn 't shaved for a while . After seeing my mother was in tears , he asked " Did I miss something ? " Mum swept her face and shook her head . I stood up to avoid any sudden questions and told him about the job . " Dad ! This afternoon , I 'll apply for a job at the new toy store . And I can 't wait to be an employee right now ! " I exclaimed . I strode towards him and hugged him happily . Oh wow , it had been a while since the last time I hugged him . I was getting taller I guess because I could put my chin on his shoulder now . He was a tall man . That explained the height of my brother , Andrew . Truly , it was a very happy moment , but at the same time , it was sad because I was taking my steps towards adulthood . That afternoon , I was preparing myself to go to the shopping mall and apply for that job . I was getting my lipstick on , and did my hair neatly , and wore smartly for the walk - in interview . I wore my favorite gray knitted dress which was made by Mum during my sixteenth Thanksgiving . Suddenly , I heard honks outside of the house . Must be Marcia , she had arrived in time . So I went down the stairs and saw Mum in the living room . So I gave her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and went outside . It was very exciting ! I couldn 't believe that I would finally get a job ! I entered Marcia 's car with a sweet smile on my face . The car was moving . On the way to the mall , I talked to Marcia about what happened earlier . And she said her mother did the same thing the morning before graduation . I think that 's what every mother will do when her children are taking their first steps towards adulthood . I guessed so . Thirty minutes later , I was standing in front of the toy store which had a ' Wanted ' sign on the window . So I was guessing this job would be easy to get because they were lacking of employees . The toy store wasn 't an ordinary toy store . It was a classic toy store with old but precious toys in it . Like an antique shop but for kids . So I went inside , looking for the manager of the store , and believe it or not , the cashier was also the manager . It was so sad to know that . That was why he was desperate . The manager was an old guy which probably in his late sixties with white hair and a bloated stomach " Hello there ! Looking for classic toys ? " the old manager asked us . Better , we were trying to help you . " Um ? Hello Mr . . . . " I glanced at his name tag and it flashed the name Sanders . " . . . Sanders " I continued . " Both of us are looking for a job and we heard that this store needs employees . I was wondering maybe we could apply for a position at this store ? " " Ah ! Yes , yes ! We need them very badly . Wait here , " he said . He went into the office of the store and searched for files . I wondered that he was searching for application forms for us . I was wandering around the store . It was kind of amusing to see the toys were moving and making funny noises . There were stuff animals and dolls on the rack and they worth a fortune too . Old , but expensive . Suddenly Marcia called me and showed me a toy , which was very fun to play with . It was a miniature wind up Merry - Go - Round . I twisted the winder and the Merry - Go - Round started to spin and produce a beautiful melody with LED light on the horses 's diamonds . I was enchanted by the toy . Seemed like I was a child who had fallen in love with a childish toy like that . " That is 1988 's " the manager 's voice startled both of us who were mesmerized by the toy . He was holding the forms . He was smiling and he looked like a kind old man with his smile . " No , no . It 's fine . I haven 't seen any adolescences like you which have interests in old toys these day . Even the children nowadays have no interest of playing with these old toys , " he told both of us . Sad , wasn 't it ? He handed us the forms and asked us to fill it up . We sat on the small chairs with a small table . Seemed like they were meant for children , or dwarfs . After filling it up , we handed the form back to Mr . Sanders . He smiled at us and said " Thank you Annette and Marcia . You can start tomorrow at 9am , " he smiled while speaking to us . Wait . . . What ? No interview ? We exited the store and babbled in excitement . We were planning to go shopping on our payday and hang out together . We were really happy at the moment . I called Mum to deliver the news and she was so happy for me . All of the excitement made us feeling thirsty and hungry . We were at the parking lot when suddenly Marcia realized that she had left her phone in the toy store . Hopefully the manager would be nice enough to keep it for her . Of course he would , he seemed like a nice old man too . She ran into the mall and went to the toy store . I was left alone outside of the mall . It wasn 't that hot . It was cloudy on that day . Lucky me or I 'd be burned by the sun . I had waited for Marcia for ten minutes and she hadn 't showed up . Damn ! I was starving ! Where was she ? Had some chit chat with the store manager ? I searched into my handbag and produced my phone . I called her and she picked up and said that she would reach me soon . Obliviously , someone was standing right behind me while I was on the phone with Marcia ! Suddenly , I felt something was being pressed on my backbone . " Don 't scream " It was a man . He was pointing a gun at me ! I was feeling so scared but I must not show my fear to him . I must calmly negotiate with him . " Okay , I will cooperate . I 'll give you my money , my phone , just please don 't kill me okay ? " He silenced and was still pointing the gun at my back . I was trying not to scream because he had warned me . He had been quiet for awhile and I was wondering what he was waiting for . " I don 't need your money . Don 't scream " What did he want with me then ! ? I was terrified when he said that he didn 't want my money . Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was completely engulfed by my fear . " Please don 't hurt me , please ? I 'm begging you . I 'll do whatever you want me to , okay ? " Suddenly , I heard someone was calling my name at the entrance of the mall . It was Marcia . Suddenly , the man produced a white cloth and put it on my face . It was chloroform . I was struggling to escape , but he was embracing me strongly . I could hear that Marcia was shouting my name over and over again and cried for help . She couldn 't do much of everything because she was terrified too . Slowly , I lost my consciousness and passed out . Marcia 's voice had faded away and I couldn 't see anything . And after that , I couldn 't remember a thing . What would happen to me ? Would I die that day ? Would I be raped by the man ? God knows . All I could do was praying , even though I was unconscious . I was praying to God that he wouldn 't hurt me . |
" No , this isn 't a thunderstorm , " answered the Dog . " It is much worse than any thunderstorm I ever heard . There is going to be a bad time here , with a flood and everything . " " Oh , mah good land ! " thought Jeff when he heard this . " De p ' lice has done come to git me ' cause I took de China Cat ! Oh , good land ! I ain 't so smart as I thought ! Oh , dey 's gwine ' rest me suah ! " " Come there ! " he cried . " Get up and dress and skip out if you don 't want to be drowned ! The river is rising . It will flood all these basement tenements ! You 'll have to clear out - - all of you ! Wake up and get out ! We 'll help you ! Open the door ! " " Oh , massy me ! A flood ! " cried Jeff 's mother . " Does yo ' heah dat , Rastus ? " she called to her husband . " Dere 's a flood an ' we 's done got to run out ! Git up an ' open de do ' an ' I 'll roust up de chilluns ! " " Come , boy ; lively ! " cried the officer . " You were long enough answering my knock . You 've all got to leave here ! How many of you are there ? " " Ten , eh ? " cried the policeman . " That 's quite a family . Well , don 't stop to put on more than a few clothes . There isn 't any time to save things . The river will be pouring in here soon . " " Arrest ' em ? No . What for ? " asked the officer , with a smile , as he splashed , with his rubber boots , into the puddle of water on the tenement floor . " They haven 't done anything , and you haven 't done anything to be arrested for , have you ? " Jeff breathed easier . He was afraid it had been found out that he took the China Cat . He darted quickly back into his bedroom and began putting on his shoes . That was all he had taken off when he curled up to go to sleep . He had only a few clothes , and he slept in them . So did most of the other children of the tenements in cold weather . Out into the rain splashed the policeman carrying the two little colored girls . They were softly crying now , but he comforted them as best he could , and kept them dry under his coat . The rain was coming down harder than ever and the roar of the rising river was louder . When Jeff 's father and mother and the other children were ready to be taken out , the water on the floor of the tenement was up to the policeman 's knees . " You 'll have to hurry ! " he called to the frightened family . " We have to rescue a lot of other people . Skip out and get into the wagon and you 'll be safe . " As Jeff and the others made their way up the steps to the sidewalk they saw and heard more of the terrible storm . There was water in the streets . With the rising of the river and the rain , the streets were almost like little creeks themselves . Outside the tenement stood the police patrol wagon . As many of the poor people as possible had been crowded into it , Jeff and his folks among them . He listened , but there was no sound save the pelting of the rain , the roar of the river , and the trickle of water as it rose higher and higher in the basement . Up on their shelf the China Cat and the Cloth Dog sat and looked down . They had not dared to speak or move while any one was in the room . But they had just begun to feel that it was time for them to do something to save themselves when the policeman came in again . Then they had to remain quiet , though they were much afraid of being drowned in the flood . " Hello ! " suddenly exclaimed the police officer as he saw the China Cat . " Seems to me I know you ! I remember about you ! I wonder how you got here ? You were among the toys taken from Mr . Mugg 's shop during the fire . Well ! Well ! To think of finding you here , Miss China Cat ! I shouldn 't be surprised but what that oldest colored boy might know something about you . But I 'll take you along , and hand you back to Mr . Mugg , where you belong . " " Nobody left in here , Jim , " he called to the other officer on the police wagon . " Get those people to the station , and then come back . There 's a lot more who will have to be rescued this night . It 's going to be a bad flood . " And so it was , though the China Cat saw little of it , for she was safe and snug in the officer 's pocket . It was black and dark in there , but it was warm , though a bit smothery . And it was clean , which the China Cat liked best of all . All night long the rescue of people from the flood was kept up . Jeff and his family were taken to a place of refuge where they were given something to eat and beds on which to lie down . All night long the policemen worked , and when morning came all those who had been in danger were saved . " A cat ! My land ! where 'd you get her ? " asked the sergeant . " She 'll be just what we want to catch mice around here ! Here , puss , puss ! " he called . " Hum ! " mused the man . " That 's a queer kind of play , I think . And if you drop that cat on the sidewalk you won 't be able to play with her , for she 'll be broken to pieces . " Jeff put his toy down on the table again . On one wall of the room was a looking glass . It was cracked and not very clean , but as a ray of sunshine entered the dingy basement the China Cat , by the gleam of it , saw her reflection . " Why , I hardly know myself ! " she whispered , not daring , of course , to speak aloud or to move and make believe come to life . There were too many colored children looking at her . " Oh , what a fright I am ! " thought the China Cat and sighed . Well might she think that . On her nose was a big speck of dirt , and there were other specks on her back and sides . Her tail , too , that was always so spotless , was now daubed with molasses and smoke grime from the fire . The China Cat was white now only in spots . " Cats do so live in stables , ' cause I done seen ' em ! " declared Jeff . " An ' dey catches rats an ' mice . I 's gwine make a stable fo ' my cat whut I done got at de fire an ' de p ' liceman didn 't see me ! " and he laughed as he thought of how he had fooled the officer . As for the China Cat , when she was shut up in the cigar box , she wanted , most dreadfully , to sneeze . For the box smelled very strongly of tobacco , and it made her nose tickle . But she dared not so much as utter a faint aker - choo for fear she would be heard . So the China Cat held back the sneeze , though it made her nose ache , and she was very glad when Jeff took her out of the cigar box stable . During the remainder of that day the colored boy and his sisters and brothers took turns playing with the China Cat . For , after a while , Jeff allowed the others to handle his toy . And the China Cat was passed around among the colored children so often that she kept getting more and more dirty . And on account of having spots of molasses on her , every bit of dirt and grime that touched her stuck right there . Jeff and his brothers and sisters did not think of washing themselves , much less of washing the China Cat . " I wonder what will happen to me next ? " thought the China Cat , as she found herself perched on the kitchen shelf . She could look down and see Jeff , his brothers and his sisters , and his father and mother , eating supper . They did not offer the China Cat anything to eat , of course . Toys don 't have to eat , which is very lucky sometimes . " Come now , chilluns ! Off to bed wif yo ' all ! " called Jeff 's mother , when supper was finished . " Yo ' was up early , an ' yo ' mus ' git to bed early . " So to bed went Jeff and the other children . Their beds were down in the basement , in a room just off the kitchen . It was not a very nice home , but it was the best they could get . " Not so much as at first , " said the Dog . " I 'm used to it now . One of the colored children pulled my tail off . I think it was the one they call Arabella . She 's always grabbing things away from the others . " " Yes , she grabbed me , " said the China Cat . " But I 'm glad she didn 't pull off my tail . I 'm dirty and sticky , and I hardly know myself , but , thank goodness , I 'm all here . " " That 's more than I can say of myself , " said the Cloth Dog sadly . " And I 'm afraid you will not be all there after a few days in this house . It 's a dreadful place , and the children are so rough ! " " Bless your whiskers , no ! " barked the Cloth Dog . " Of course I once came from North Pole Land , but that was years ago . I was a good - looking toy then , and I had a fine tail . But after a while the children with whom I lived grew tired of me . I was tossed about , thrown into corners , and at last put out in the ashes . There one of these colored children found me , and brought me here . And the very first day there was a scrabble and a fight over me , and my tail was pulled off . " " Oh , I 'm so sorry to hear that ! " sighed the China Cat . " If you could only be taken to the store of Mr . Mugg he would put a new tail on you . He mended the broken leg of the Nodding Donkey . " " I 'm afraid it is too late , " whined the Cloth Dog . " But I am sorry for you . You are such a fine toy , and almost new . " " Yes , I am quite new . In fact , I have never been sold as yet , " said the Cat . " I wouldn 't be out of the store now , except for the fire . I was going to be taken by a very nice little girl named Jennie Moore . But now , alas , it is too late for that ! " " Oh , that 's only rain , " went on the Dog . " It is raining hard outside , and you hear it more plainly here because we are so near the street . Don 't worry . Though this place is dirty , no rain comes in . " " Get out ! Get out , everybody ! " came the cry . " There 's a big flood ! The river is rising ! Get up and get out , everybody ! " Posted by You can just imagine how the China Cat felt . Always so clean and white , always washing herself if she found the least speck of dirt on her , always keeping as much as possible away from dust and grime - - and now to be spattered with water , blackened by the smoke of the fire , and finally thrust inside the soiled blouse of a not very clean boy ! Oh , it was terrible ! " Hi , golly ! I 's done gone fool dat p ' liceman , " murmured Jeff , as he stepped off the sidewalk and made his way out of the crowd in front of the burning store . " He tole me to keep away from dem toys ! But I sneaks up when he isn 't lookin ' , an ' I gits de bestest toy ob all ! Golly ! I 's smarter dan a p ' liceman , I is ! " Jeff grinned , showing two rows of white teeth in his black face . Indeed , Jeff 's teeth were the only clean things about him , it seemed . At least they were white , though I can not say that he ever used a tooth brush . His teeth were as white as was the China Cat when she was her very cleanest . But she was not at all clean now . And you know how unhappy this made her feel . " I 's smart , I is ! " said Jeff to himself , grinning . " I could ' a ' tooken a lot ob toys ; but I liked dis Cat bestest ob all . She 's so white ! " " Oh , I ain 't got nuffin much ! " Jeff answered , as he moved away from Sam and the other boys . Sometimes they had taken things away from Jeff , and Jeff was afraid that was what they were now going to do . Inside the blouse of the colored boy the China Cat heard what was said , but she could see nothing . " All right ! " agreed the other colored boys . They made a rush for Jeff , but he was too quick for them . Pressing his hands over his blouse , at the spot where the China Cat was stuffed , so she would not bounce out , Jeff ran down the street . Away he sped , and he was such a good runner that the other boys could not come up to him . Around the corner of one street , down another and up a third ran Jeff , and then he darted down the stairs into what was almost a cellar , though it was called a basement . It was here , in some poor , miserable rooms , that Jeff lived with his brothers and sisters . " Dear me ! " thought the China Cat , " this is a dreadful state of affairs . I wonder if I am ever to get out of this smothering place . I don 't like it , cooped up like this ! I want to get out in the air , and have Geraldine or Angelina wash me ! " You see the China Cat did not know all that had happened to her . She hoped she would soon be back in Mr . Mugg 's store , washed nice and clean , and set on a shelf . But the store of poor Mr . Mugg was in a sad state now , even though the fire had been put out . " Nope ! " answered the colored boy . " I runned ' cause I wanted to git away from Sam Brown an ' his crowd . Dey was gwine to take mah cat away from me ! " " Dere she am ! " he cried , holding her up . " Dere 's mah pussy ! I done got her at de fire , an ' de p ' liceman didn 't see me ! " " Oh , mercy me ! " thought the poor white pussy , " I hope he doesn 't let me fall . Oh , how miserable I am ! So dirty , and in such an unpleasant place ! I thought I 'd be back in the toy shop with the Talking Doll and my other friends ! " The China Cat did not at first know where she was when Jeff pulled her out from beneath his blouse . It had been dark in there , but it was lighter in the kitchen , and this confused the toy animal . But when she had a chance to look around , held up high in the air as she was , she did not at all like her new home . And she was very much afraid that Jeff would let her fall . " At de fire , " Jeff explained . " I heard de engines puffin ' past early dis mawnin ' , an ' I gits up an ' goes out . Dere was a toy store on fire , an ' dey frowed a lot ob toys out in de street . Dere was Jumpin ' Jacks , an ' Dolls , an ' Steamboats , an ' - - an ' - - " " Yo ' can 't git none now , Sim ! " shouted Jeff . " De p ' licemans is all aroun ' de place . Dey won 't let you take nuffin . But I done fooled ' em . Anyhow , de fire 's out now , an ' dey 'll be puttin ' de toys back . But I done got a white cat ! " " This is the most dreadful place I was ever in ! " thought the China Cat , who , of course , could do nothing to save herself . " If they let me fall I shall be broken , all dirty and soiled as I am . " " Heah ! Hush yo ' noise now ! " called Jeff 's mother . " Set up to de table an ' hab yo ' brekfus ' ! Stop playin ' ! " " Dear me , they call that playing ! " thought the China Cat . " I wonder what they would do in a game of tag ? Oh , what is ever to become of me ? " " Now I 's got her , an ' I 's gwine t ' hab some fun ! " cried Arabella . Arabella was the name of this one of Jeff 's sisters . " I 's gwine to hab fun wid dis cat ! " " I should say so ! " exclaimed the Policeman . " Come on ! Move lively ! No loitering ! " he cried , as he had done that time when he tickled the Nodding Donkey in the ribs with the club . " Everybody get out of the way of the fire ! " went on the toy Policeman , swinging his club . " Where are the engines and the firemen ? " he called . But the sad part of it was that there was no water in the toy engine . They are not made that way , though sometimes boys , who get engines for presents , put water in them to play with . But though the Fireman ran out his tiny hose , and pointed it straight at the blaze , no water spurted from the nozzle . " It is getting too hot here for me ! " cried the Policeman . " I 'm afraid we can 't do anything , Mr . Fireman . We had better run upstairs with the rest of the toys ! " " I 'll get my ax and chop open the boxes , " the toy Fireman answered . " We fire - fighters have to do that . If only I had water in my engine I could soon put out this blaze . " " Let us out ! Please let us out ! " begged the Dolls , the toy Dogs , the toy Cats and the other playthings , all shut up as they were . They could smell the smoke , if they could not see the blaze . " I 'll save you ! The Policeman and I will get you out ! " cried the brave Fireman , as he dashed back to his engine to get the small ax which hung there . " If only the Nodding Donkey were here , I 'm sure he could have ridden me on his back out of danger , " thought the China Cat . " He was very fond of me , and I like him . But he is not here ! " " Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! " was the cry , and this time it was a real shout , and not such as the toys had given . Then the man who had smelled and seen the smoke ran and pulled an alarm box . " Yes , it 's in the basement , " said a real policeman , who had arrived almost as soon as had the firemen . " And Mr . Mugg has a lot of new toys down there . We must carry them out for him ! " So they had to stay just where they were . Some were half way up the basement stairs ; the China Cat had just reached the middle of the first floor , when she had to come to a stop ; the Talking Doll was on the top step of the stairs , and there she had to stay . It was there that a fireman saw her as he was about to rush down into the basement . The firemen carried lanterns so they could see in the darkened store . " The toys are scattered all about , " said the fireman , picking up the Talking Doll . " There must have been an explosion ! " Of course he did not know that the toys themselves had gone down into the basement to play , and that the fire was caused by the train running over the box of matches . " We must carry out some of these toys before we begin to squirt the water , or they will all be spoiled , " said the fireman who had picked up the Talking Doll . " Water will ruin them as much as the blaze . Come on , boys ! " he called . " Save the toys ! " Here and there about the store , and down in the basement , rushed the firemen and policemen . Toys that were scattered about were hastily piled in open boxes . Then the boxes were dragged out on the sidewalk . Quite a crowd gathered in the street , for more engines , firemen and policemen were arriving all the while . " Here is a toy cat ! Put her in that box ! " called one fireman to another , who was dragging out a wooden box into which he had tossed the Talking Doll , a Jumping Jack and a dozen Green Pigs . " Take them out ; and then we must begin to use the water ! The fire is getting too hot ! " " Oh , dear me ! " thought the China Cat . " I can 't bear to be wet , and now it is raining ! But I hope it will wash from me some of the black smoke . " " Um - ah ! Jest look at ' em ! " murmured Jeff . " Golly ! I kin git one as easy as not outen dat open box ! Wait till dat p ' liceman turns around . " Jeff watched his chance . The policeman on guard moved off to one side . In an instant Jeff , the dirty little black boy , sneaked up , and , thrusting in his hand , which was black with dirt as well as being covered with black skin , he took up the pure , white China Cat . " Oh , my , how dirty he is ! Oh , I can 't bear to have him touch me ! " thought the China Cat . " I dread dirt more than I do water ! Oh , what shall I do ? " " Oh , I 'll be smothered ! " thought the poor China Cat . " What a dreadful fate to be taken away by a dirty boy ! And only an hour ago I was so happy ! Oh , dear ! Oh , dear ! Oh , dear ! " Posted by Had Jennie Moore stumbled and dropped the China Cat to the floor of the toy shop that would have been the end of this book . For if the Cat had fallen she surely would have been broken to bits . And , though Mr . Mugg might have been able to glue the pieces together again , the China Cat never would have been like herself , and there would be no story about her . " Well , " replied Mr . Mugg , with a kind smile , " breaking the China Cat would not have been so bad . I could easily send to the workshop of Santa Claus and get another toy . But nice little girls , if they fall and hurt themselves , are not so easily mended . I am glad you are not hurt , my dear , " he went on , as he helped Jennie to her feet . " Yes , it is one of my choicest toys , " said Mr . Mugg . " It can not talk , like some of my dolls , nor spring about like some of the Jumping Jacks . But the Cat is so clean and white that it would be an ornament in any home . " " Oh , my , no ! " laughed the toy - shop man . " I once had a cat whose head could be lifted off , and burned matches could be dropped down inside her . But this Cat isn 't that kind . " " I should hope not ! " thought the China Cat , while Aunt Clara was looking her over . " Not that I don 't consider my cousin , the Match Cat , as nice as I am , " she told herself , " but I 'm just different ; that 's all ! I hope I may go to live with this little girl . I shall be able to keep myself spotless and white in her home , I 'm sure . " " Well , Jennie , " said Aunt Clara , as she again let the little girl take the China Cat , " if you think you want this toy you may have it . But we will not take it with us now . I have some other shopping to do , and if we carry the Cat with us something may happen to her . " " We will open those boxes some day next week , " said Mr . Mugg to his daughters . " Perhaps among the new toys there may be another China Cat . I certainly hope so , for when Jennie 's aunt comes for this one we shall feel lonesome . " " Leave the cases the way they are , " he said to the expressmen . " Don 't open any more . I 'll do that later in the week . " " I surely am glad Jennie didn 't let me fall and break , " said the Cat to herself . " And I am glad I am going to belong to such a nice , clean little girl . " Then , as one could see her , hidden away as she was , the China Cat washed her paws with her red tongue . Once again night came . The toy store was closed , and all the lights turned out except a small one in the middle of the store . For a time it was quiet , and then , once more , the Trumpeter blew a jolly blast on his horn . " Yes , " was the answer . " It is now night , no one can see us , and we can do as we please . Let 's play tag again , " said a number of toys . " Oh , I 'm here ! " mewed the white pussy . " I 'm just sort of hidden away so I will not be sold . I am to go to a little girl named Jennie Moore . " " Hum ! Jennie Moore ! Seems to me I heard her spoken of by the father of the little lame boy when the Nodding Donkey was brought back here to have his leg mended , " said the Jumping Jack . " Wouldn 't it be funny , Miss China Cat , if you should go to live in a house near your friend , the Nodding Donkey ? " " It would be very nice , I think , " said the China Cat . " But I have something new to suggest , " she went on , as she moved out near the edge of the shelf . " Instead of playing tag , why can 't all of us go down into the basement ? " " I heard it said that a new lot of toys was put down in the basement to - day , " went on the China Cat . " Let 's go down and call on them . It 's always polite to call on new neighbors , you know , " she added . " Oh , this is the basement , " said the China Cat . " The toy store is up above . You 'll be brought up there with us , soon , we hope . But we came to visit you and cheer you up . " " I say let 's have a race ! " cried the Engineer of a toy train of cars on the floor . " I haven 't had a race with my engine and cars since Mr . Mugg lifted us out of our box . Come on ! I 'll get up steam and have a race . " " Oh , I have run over a box of matches ! " exclaimed the toy Engineer . " They have begun to blaze and the straw from the packing cases is catching ! Oh , look what I did , but I didn 't mean to ! " " Take her away ! Don 't let her come near me ! The black will rub off , I 'm sure , and I shall be ruined and damaged . Oh , take her away , Soldier Captain ! " and the China Cat , in her white coat , snuggled as close as she could to the brave officer with his shiny sword . " Why , don 't you see ! " exclaimed the China Cat . " That black doll is coming to play tag with us ! She belongs on the other side of the store , among the Hallowe ' en novelties ! If she rubs up against me she 'll get me all black , and I can 't stand it to be dirty ! " All the other toys glanced toward the toy at which the China Cat pointed with one paw . Walking along the edge of the shelf was a fuzzy - haired black Doll , her face as shiny as the stove pipe . She was called a Topsy Doll . " Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " laughed Topsy . " Dat suah am funny ! Why , my black doesn 't come off ! I spects maybe I 's white inside , but de black on de outside don 't come off ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " " No , I won 't ! Hones ' to goodness I won 't ! " promised the Topsy Doll . " Some folks do say I 's terrible mischievous but I can 't help it . I growed up dat way , I reckon ! " " Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " laughed the black Doll . " Golly , I 's mischievous ; but mah black won 't rub off ! Look ! " Topsy took up from the shelf a piece of the white paper Mr . Mugg used to wrap up the toys when they were purchased . Topsy rubbed this piece of paper on her black , shiny cheek as hard as she could rub it . Then she held it out to the China Cat . The paper was as white as before . " Of course she may play if she will not smut me , " said the China Cat . " Please don 't believe I 'm fussy , " she went on ; " but I shall never be sold if I do not keep myself white and clean . I thought at first that Topsy had been down in the coal bin . " " I 'm glad of that , " said the China Cat . " Now I 'll be it , and see if I can tag any of you . Look out ! I 'm coming ! " " Yes , I 'll do that , " agreed the China Cat . " I 'll only tag you with my paws . And I think I 'll tag you right now ! " she called to the Topsy Doll . So after that the Cat did not run quite so fast . Topsy was a very lively little doll . She skipped here and there , and kept the other toys laughing at her funny tricks and the queer way her kinky hair bobbed about her head . The game went on faster than ever , and such jolly fun as there was you never would have dreamed could happen in a toy shop , unless you could have seen it yourself . But of course that is not allowed . If you had so much as peeked in with one eye , all the toys would have become as quiet as a chocolate mouse . " ' Cause some ob de toys in mah pa 't of de store says as how I kept ' em guessin ' , " was the answer . " Dey done say dey nebber know whut I 'm gwine to do nex ' . I suah mus ' be a riddle . " " Oh , no , that isn 't a riddle , " the Soldier Captain explained . " A riddle is like a puzzle . For instance , I ask you what has four legs , and yet can 't walk ? " " Hu ! Dey ain 't nothin ' whut has fo ' legs an ' can 't walk ! " declared Topsy . " Dat 's silly ! I 's got only two legs , but I can walk when nobody looks at me . An ' dat Noah 's Ark Elephant , he 's got fo ' legs , an ' he can walk . What is dat has fo ' legs an ' can 't walk I axes yo ' , Mr . Soldier Captain ? " " A table has four legs and yet it can 't walk , " laughed the wooden officer . " That 's a riddle , Topsy . Now see if you can tell one . " So the Topsy Doll and the other toys began to think of riddles , asking them of one another . But , somehow or other , the China Cat was very still and quiet . She did not enter into this fun as she had into the game of tag . " What 's the matter ? " asked the Jumping Jack , when he had guessed a funny riddle about a little green hen . " Are you watching for mice , China Cat ? There are some little ones , made of cloth and wood over in the novelty department where Topsy came from . " " No , I am not thinking of mice , " answered the China Cat . " To tell you the truth , Mr . Jumping Jack , I was thinking of the Nodding Donkey . He came back here , you know , to have his leg fixed , and he spoke about how happy he was with the little lame boy , who , I 'm glad to know , is lame no longer . I was just wondering if I would go to a nice home such as he has . " " Yes , it is nice in Mr . Mugg 's store , " the China Cat agreed . " But I suppose we must do as we are told . Dear Nodding Donkey ! How I should like to see him again . I wonder - - " " Hush ! Quiet , everybody ! Back to your shelves ! " suddenly cried Tumbling Tom . " Morning is about to come and Mr . Mugg and his daughters will soon be here . They must never catch us moving about ! " " Oh , no , it isn 't dirt , " said Angelina , as she took the Cat down to look more closely at her . " It 's just a little speck of black feather from my duster . It must have just got on . " " Oh , Aunt Clara ! How lovely of you ! " cried Jennie Moore , for that was her name . " Let me see now . What would I like best ? " " That is very kind of you , I am sure , " said Mr . Mugg , rubbing his hands and looking over the tops of his glasses . " We have many toys here for good little girls , and for good boys , too . Not long ago I sold a Nodding Donkey to a lame boy , and , would you believe me ; that boy isn 't lame at all now , " and Mr . Mugg laughed , and Aunt Clara laughed also . " I should rather have pie , " said the Talking Doll . " But who blew the horn ? That is what I 'd like to know . No one has a horn in this toy shop that I know anything about . " " I tell you it isn 't a horn - - it 's a trumpet , and I am blowing it , " said a voice in the front part of the toy store . " I came in only to - day , but I thought perhaps you other toys would like a little music , so I tuned up my trumpet . But please don 't call it a horn . I am not a fish man ! " With that there came walking along the shelf , from the front part of the store , a little man wearing a blue coat , dark red trousers , and a hat with a long , sweeping plume . I say he was a little man , but I mean he was a toy , dressed up like a man such as you see in fairy stories . In his hand he carried a little golden trumpet . And the blast was such a jolly one that every toy in the store felt like dancing or singing . The Jumping Jack worked his arms and legs faster than they had ever jerked about before . The Talking Doll swayed on her feet as though waltzing , and even the China Cat beat time with her tail . " No , " answered the Cat . " I was just thinking of a friend of mine who once lived there . You remember him , " she added , turning to the Jumping Jack . " I mean the Nodding Donkey . " " Of course I remember him ! " said the Jumping Jack . " I should say I did ! A most jolly chap , always bowing to you in the most friendly way . He isn 't here any more . " " No , he was bought for a little lame boy who had to go on crutches , " said the Talking Doll . " I remember the Nodding Donkey very well . I say he was bought for a little lame boy . But the truth of the matter is that the lame boy got well , and now is just like other boys . Once the Nodding Donkey 's leg was broken and he was brought back here for Mr . Mugg to fix . " " Then it seems I am not to stay here always , " went on the Trumpeter . " Well , I like a jolly life , going about from place to place . I had fun at the North Pole , and now I hope I shall have some fun here . That 's why I blew my trumpet - - to start you toys into life . " " We always come to life after dark , and make believe we are alive when no one sees us , " explained the China Cat . " That is one of the things we are allowed to do . But as soon as daylight shines , or when any one comes into the store to look at us , we must turn back into toys that can move only when we are wound up . That is , all except me . I have no springs inside me - - I move of myself whenever make - believe time comes , " she added , and she switched her tail from side to side . " Well , I have springs inside me , " said the Talking Doll , " and also a little phonograph . When it is wound up I can say ' papa ' and ' mama ' and ' I am hungry . ' But when we are by ourselves , as we are now , I can say what I please . " " I , too , have springs inside me , " said the Trumpeter . " That is how I blow my trumpet . But now , as we are by ourselves and it is night , why not have some fun ? Let 's do something . Perhaps , as a newcomer , I should let some one else start it . But I could not bear to lie on the shelf , doing nothing , especially when it is so near the jolly Christmas season . So I just blew my trumpet to awaken you all . " " And I 'm glad you did , " said the Jumping Jack . " I say let 's have some fun ! Shall I show you how well I can jump ? " he asked . " If this is your first night here , " he said to the Trumpeter , " you do not know all the tricks I can do . " " Oh , that Jumping Jack . He thinks he is the only one who can jump ! " whispered a Jack in the Box to Tumbling Tom . " If I could get out of this box I 'd show him some jumps that would make him open his eyes ! " " And as for tumbles ! " said Tom . " Why , I can beat him all to pieces ! But we must be polite , you know , especially before strangers - - I mean the Trumpeter . Don 't let 's have a quarrel . " So the toys in the shop of Mr . Horatio Mugg got ready to have a jolly night . Just as the China Cat had said , the toys had the power of making believe . They could pretend to come to life , and talk among themselves , and do things they never would think of doing in the daytime . This was when no human eyes saw them . " Oh , no , I 'll land on a big rubber ball and bounce , " the Jumping Jack answered . " If you want to , Trumpeter , " he added , " you can blow a blast on your horn to start me off . It will be more exciting if you do that . " " Yes , suppose he should fall , " said the China Cat . " But he must show off , I suppose . I 'd rather have less exciting fun - - such as a game of tag . " " Hush ! " begged the Trumpeter . " He is ready to jump , I think . Hello there , Jack ! " he called to the toy on the top shelf . " Are you ready ? " " What 's the matter ? Did the Jumping Jack fall and break his leg like the Nodding Donkey ? " asked the Talking Doll . " Oh , I dare not look ! Tell me about it ! " " Of course he didn 't break his leg ! " said the Cat . " But he stepped on my tail ; that 's what he did ! Right on my tail ! I hope it isn 't broken , " she went on , as she looked carefully at the tip . " Oh , I beg your pardon ! I am so sorry ! " exclaimed the Jumping Jack . " I didn 't mean to do that . The ball rolled , and I slipped . " And while the Trumpeter played , the toys danced . The Jumping Jack danced with the China Cat , but she said his style was jerky . Then Tumbling Tom danced with the white cat , but Tom kept falling down all the while so that dance was , really , not a success . " All right ! Tag will be fun ! " agreed the China Cat . " I 'll be it . Scatter now , so I shall have to run to tag you . " " Take her away ! Take her away ! Don 't let her come near me ! " cried the China Cat . " Oh , Captain ! " she exclaimed to the wooden soldier , " don 't let her get near me ! Take her away ! " and the China Cat acted so strangely that the other toys did not know what to think . Posted by " Oh , Joe has his Nodding Donkey in the window ! " exclaimed Jennie . " That 's a sign he wants me to come over and play with him . I 'll go and ask Aunt Clara if I may go ! " " Please may I go over and see Joe ? " begged Jennie . " He has set his Nodding Donkey in his front window , and that means he wants me to come over . He always does that when he wants me . I 'll take my new China Cat over to see him . " " I should like to meet those toys , " mewed the Cat to herself . And , a little later she did , as two other little girls came in to play with Joe . Then along came Dick , who was Dorothy 's brother , and he brought his White Rocking Horse , though it was rather a large and heavy toy to carry . And Arnold , who was Mirabell 's brother , brought along his Bold Tin Captain Soldier and his men . Thus Winter passed and Spring came , with warm , sunny days when the children could play with their toys on the porches . One day Joe took his Nodding Donkey and went over to call on Jennie and her China Cat . But just as Joe was going up the porch steps he heard a hand organ down the street . And now I must tell you what happened . The hand organ was quite a distance from Jennie 's house , and it took Joe some little time to reach it . While he was gone , having , as I said , left his Nodding Donkey on Jennie 's porch , along came sneaking Jeff , the colored boy . " Dis yeah suah is a fine toy ! " muttered Jeff . " It 's a heap sight better dan de China Cat I got at de fire ! I 'll take dis Donkey ! " " Oh , golly ! " he murmured . " Oh , dey 's lookin ' straight at me , dey is ! Dat 's de China Cat I tooked from de fire , an ' she must have come to life ! Oh , I dassn 't take dat Donkey while she 's glarin ' at me wif dem big eyes ! Oh , I 's skeered , I is ! " With that Jeff turned and started on a run out of the yard . The Nodding Donkey , who had been very much afraid he was about to be stolen , was so thankful he did not know what to do . And the China Cat , who had feared that her friend was about to be taken from her , kept on staring as hard as she could . " I am glad I did , " mewed the Cat . " I didn 't want you to be taken away from me . You are the best friend I have . " " He was a Plush Bear , " answered the Nodding Donkey . " A most wonderful Plush Bear ! When he was wound up he moved his head and his paws and he growled as natural as anything . " And the Nodding Donkey and the China Cat looked at one another most happily . They liked good times . The Toy Picnic was a great success , and how the boys and girls did laugh when the China Cat fell into the brook ! " Ha ! Ha ! " laughed the policeman . " That cat will never catch any mice . She 's a toy , a China Cat , and she was stolen from that toy shop where there was a fire yesterday . It was Horatio Mugg 's place . A lot of the toys were set out on the sidewalk , and some negroes who live near by walked off with quite a lot . Mr . Mugg , after the fire , made out a list of his toys that were missing , and among them was this China Cat . I had one of the lists . " Oh , dear me ! " thought the China Cat . " He thought I was partly black ! I must be very dirty indeed . My toy friends would never know me ! Oh , shall I ever be clean again ? " " Yes , it is only a toy China Cat , " said the policeman who had rescued the pussy , as well as the negro family . " I guess she was pure white once . But she got blackened in the fire , and it didn 't wash off in the flood , though goodness knows it rained enough ! " " I should say so , " agreed the sergeant . " Well , leave the China Cat here , and I will send her back to Mr . Mugg . You didn 't see any of his other stolen toys , did you ? " However , she never heard , nor did she ever again see her little friend without any tail . But I might tell you that the little Cloth Dog was still on the mantel when the flood went down and Jeff and the family moved back into their basement . The Cloth Dog was not drowned , and he lived for many years after that , even without his tail , though I cannot say he was very happy . Then he set the China Cat off the top of the big desk , and on a smaller one , so she would not get broken . All the remainder of the morning the China Cat was in the police station , though she was not arrested , you understand . Oh , my , no ! She had done nothing wrong , even though she was very dirty . But of course being dirty was not her fault . " I think I shall telephone Mr . Mugg and tell him to come here and get his China Cat , " the sergeant said . " This may not be his toy . It may have been stolen from some other store . But I 'll soon find out . " So the police sergeant telephoned to Mr . Mugg . The toy - store keeper and his daughters , Angelina and Geraldine , were very busy , getting things to rights after the fire . It had not been as bad as was at first supposed , being down in the basement . Some smoke and water got up on the main floor , however , but this was soon cleaned up and the store put to rights again . " What 's that ? " cried Mr . Mugg over the telephone , though of course the China Cat could not hear what he said . " You have my white China Cat ? Oh , I am so glad ! I 'll be right down to get her . " " All right , " answered the sergeant . " She is here waiting for you . Though I would not call her very white , " he added as he hung up the telephone . " I 'll go with you , " offered Geraldine . " I want to see the China Cat again . I hope she isn 't chipped . Who had her ? " Well , you can just imagine how the China Cat felt . Her heart , such as she had , was beating with joy when she saw Mr . Mugg and Geraldine come into the station house . But now to hear Mr . Mugg say she was not his Cat ! Oh , it was terrible , I do assure you ! " Not your Cat ? " exclaimed the sergeant . " Why , I understood a lot of toys were stolen from your shop after the fire , and a China Cat was among them . " " Yes , that is so , " answered Mr . Mugg . " But my China Cat was a white one , and this is black and white . No , she does not belong to me . " " Why , of course she is our Cat , Father ! " said Geraldine . " She is just grimy and dirty . That 's the reason you think she is black and white . If I could only wash her you 'd see that she is our own China Cat . " This Miss Geraldine did . Under the stream of water , when some soap had been rubbed on the China Cat , a great change took place . Off came the grime of the smoke ! Off came the spots of sticky molasses ! Off came the soiled marks made by Jeff 's dirty hands ! The White Cat , not coming to life while Miss Geraldine had her , of course got no soap in her eyes , as would have happened if she had been real . " Why - - er - - yes - - er - - my dear - - that is our China Cat ! " he said . " We 'll take her right back to the store ! Oh , I 'm very glad to get her back . Thank you , very much , " he said to the police sergeant . As for the white pussy , you can imagine how glad and happy she was to be clean again . Nothing else mattered for the time , and she would have mewed out a song if she had been allowed to do so . But of course she could not . So the China toy was again put in the show window of the shop , which had been cleaned and put to rights after the fire . In the same window was some doll 's furniture , and on the bureau was a looking glass . The China Cat caught a glimpse of herself . She was as clean and white as a new snowball . She looked all around . There in the window with her were most of the toys she had known for a long time . They did not seem to have been burned or scorched by the fire . In fact , though some of his playthings were damaged , Mr . Mugg did not , of course , put any of these in his show window . " But when night comes , " she said to herself , " I shall have a chance . Then we can all talk about the fire . I wonder if any of my friends had such adventures as I had ? " " Oh , Aunt Clara ! See ! " cried the little girl . " There is the China Cat you were going to buy for me ! Mr . Mugg thought she was smashed in the fire , but she wasn 't and here she is . Oh , please take me in and get me the China Cat ! " " Oh , wasn 't that fire dreadful ! " sighed Mr . Mugg , raising his hands . " I thought my whole place would burn ! But the firemen carried out a lot of the toys , and though this white China Cat was stolen , I have her back . So you want her , do you , little girl ? " he asked . " Oh , I hope there will never be another fire ! " exclaimed Mr . Mugg , as he bowed his customers out of the door . " I can 't imagine what started this one . But I am glad the China Cat is safe , though she did get very dirty . " " And from what Mr . Mugg said , I imagine she was as black as coal after the fire , " laughed Aunt Clara . " Well , I am glad Snowball is clean and white now , and that you at last have her . Take good care of her and don 't drop your cat , for I think she will break easily . " " Though I cannot say I liked that , " said the China Cat , telling her adventures afterward to her friend , the Talking Doll . " The clothes sort of tickled me . But Jennie was so kind and good I did not want to make a fuss . " When evening came Jennie put her China Cat away in a closet in her room , where there were many other toys . At first it was so dark that the China Cat could see nothing , but , after a while , she saw where some light came in through the keyhole , and then Snowball could look about her . The light that came through the hole was not daylight , for it was now night , and Jennie was going to bed . It was the light from a little lamp that burned all night just outside Jennie 's room , and the China Cat was glad of that , for by the gleam she was able to see her way around the closet . " What 's that about a fire ? " suddenly asked a voice just behind the China Cat . She looked around the shelf on which she sat but could see no one , though a Wooden Doll , with funny , staring eyes , was looking straight at her . " No , " was the answer . " Though I was just going to . I 'm glad you have come here to live with us . You 'll like it here . Jennie is such a nice little girl . " " Jack Box , " answered the Wooden Doll . " He 's one of those funny , pop - up Jacks in a Box , and he 's always trying to fool some one . I suppose , because you are the newest toy to come here , that he is playing a trick on you . " " That 's just my way ! Can 't help it ! Have to jump when my spring uncoils ! " said the Jack , with a broad grin on his face . " Let 's have some fun ! " he went on . " It 's our chance to make believe come to life , now that Jennie has gone to bed . Sweet child . I like her , don 't you ? " he asked Snowball . " Oh , look out ! " she cried . " You have knocked me off the shelf ! Oh , there I go ! " and the Wooden Doll fell straight down ! " Aunt Clara ! Aunt Clara ! Come here ! There 's something in my toy closet . I heard a noise ! Maybe that colored boy is trying to get Snowball , my China Cat . " " Nonsense , Jennie . You imagined it , dear . Go to sleep now , " replied her aunt , coming in from her room and turning up the light . " There it is , " said Jennie 's aunt . " Your Wooden Doll fell off the shelf . You couldn 't have put her far enough back . " So after breakfast the China Cat was set in the front window of the house , while Jennie sat near in a chair reading a book of fairy stories . After a while Jennie was called away to help her aunt , and the China Cat was left alone . For the first time that day she could look about as she pleased , moving her head and stretching her paws , as no one was in the room . " Well , I do declare ! " mewed the China Cat to herself . " How did he get here ? Oh , if I could only speak to him ! See , he is bowing to me ! Oh , isn 't this just wonderful ! " Posted by |
" No , this isn 't a thunderstorm , " answered the Dog . " It is much worse than any thunderstorm I ever heard . There is going to be a bad time here , with a flood and everything . " " Oh , mah good land ! " thought Jeff when he heard this . " De p ' lice has done come to git me ' cause I took de China Cat ! Oh , good land ! I ain 't so smart as I thought ! Oh , dey 's gwine ' rest me suah ! " " Come there ! " he cried . " Get up and dress and skip out if you don 't want to be drowned ! The river is rising . It will flood all these basement tenements ! You 'll have to clear out - - all of you ! Wake up and get out ! We 'll help you ! Open the door ! " " Oh , massy me ! A flood ! " cried Jeff 's mother . " Does yo ' heah dat , Rastus ? " she called to her husband . " Dere 's a flood an ' we 's done got to run out ! Git up an ' open de do ' an ' I 'll roust up de chilluns ! " " Come , boy ; lively ! " cried the officer . " You were long enough answering my knock . You 've all got to leave here ! How many of you are there ? " " Ten , eh ? " cried the policeman . " That 's quite a family . Well , don 't stop to put on more than a few clothes . There isn 't any time to save things . The river will be pouring in here soon . " " Arrest ' em ? No . What for ? " asked the officer , with a smile , as he splashed , with his rubber boots , into the puddle of water on the tenement floor . " They haven 't done anything , and you haven 't done anything to be arrested for , have you ? " Jeff breathed easier . He was afraid it had been found out that he took the China Cat . He darted quickly back into his bedroom and began putting on his shoes . That was all he had taken off when he curled up to go to sleep . He had only a few clothes , and he slept in them . So did most of the other children of the tenements in cold weather . Out into the rain splashed the policeman carrying the two little colored girls . They were softly crying now , but he comforted them as best he could , and kept them dry under his coat . The rain was coming down harder than ever and the roar of the rising river was louder . When Jeff 's father and mother and the other children were ready to be taken out , the water on the floor of the tenement was up to the policeman 's knees . " You 'll have to hurry ! " he called to the frightened family . " We have to rescue a lot of other people . Skip out and get into the wagon and you 'll be safe . " As Jeff and the others made their way up the steps to the sidewalk they saw and heard more of the terrible storm . There was water in the streets . With the rising of the river and the rain , the streets were almost like little creeks themselves . Outside the tenement stood the police patrol wagon . As many of the poor people as possible had been crowded into it , Jeff and his folks among them . He listened , but there was no sound save the pelting of the rain , the roar of the river , and the trickle of water as it rose higher and higher in the basement . Up on their shelf the China Cat and the Cloth Dog sat and looked down . They had not dared to speak or move while any one was in the room . But they had just begun to feel that it was time for them to do something to save themselves when the policeman came in again . Then they had to remain quiet , though they were much afraid of being drowned in the flood . " Hello ! " suddenly exclaimed the police officer as he saw the China Cat . " Seems to me I know you ! I remember about you ! I wonder how you got here ? You were among the toys taken from Mr . Mugg 's shop during the fire . Well ! Well ! To think of finding you here , Miss China Cat ! I shouldn 't be surprised but what that oldest colored boy might know something about you . But I 'll take you along , and hand you back to Mr . Mugg , where you belong . " " Nobody left in here , Jim , " he called to the other officer on the police wagon . " Get those people to the station , and then come back . There 's a lot more who will have to be rescued this night . It 's going to be a bad flood . " And so it was , though the China Cat saw little of it , for she was safe and snug in the officer 's pocket . It was black and dark in there , but it was warm , though a bit smothery . And it was clean , which the China Cat liked best of all . All night long the rescue of people from the flood was kept up . Jeff and his family were taken to a place of refuge where they were given something to eat and beds on which to lie down . All night long the policemen worked , and when morning came all those who had been in danger were saved . " A cat ! My land ! where 'd you get her ? " asked the sergeant . " She 'll be just what we want to catch mice around here ! Here , puss , puss ! " he called . " Hum ! " mused the man . " That 's a queer kind of play , I think . And if you drop that cat on the sidewalk you won 't be able to play with her , for she 'll be broken to pieces . " Jeff put his toy down on the table again . On one wall of the room was a looking glass . It was cracked and not very clean , but as a ray of sunshine entered the dingy basement the China Cat , by the gleam of it , saw her reflection . " Why , I hardly know myself ! " she whispered , not daring , of course , to speak aloud or to move and make believe come to life . There were too many colored children looking at her . " Oh , what a fright I am ! " thought the China Cat and sighed . Well might she think that . On her nose was a big speck of dirt , and there were other specks on her back and sides . Her tail , too , that was always so spotless , was now daubed with molasses and smoke grime from the fire . The China Cat was white now only in spots . " Cats do so live in stables , ' cause I done seen ' em ! " declared Jeff . " An ' dey catches rats an ' mice . I 's gwine make a stable fo ' my cat whut I done got at de fire an ' de p ' liceman didn 't see me ! " and he laughed as he thought of how he had fooled the officer . As for the China Cat , when she was shut up in the cigar box , she wanted , most dreadfully , to sneeze . For the box smelled very strongly of tobacco , and it made her nose tickle . But she dared not so much as utter a faint aker - choo for fear she would be heard . So the China Cat held back the sneeze , though it made her nose ache , and she was very glad when Jeff took her out of the cigar box stable . During the remainder of that day the colored boy and his sisters and brothers took turns playing with the China Cat . For , after a while , Jeff allowed the others to handle his toy . And the China Cat was passed around among the colored children so often that she kept getting more and more dirty . And on account of having spots of molasses on her , every bit of dirt and grime that touched her stuck right there . Jeff and his brothers and sisters did not think of washing themselves , much less of washing the China Cat . " I wonder what will happen to me next ? " thought the China Cat , as she found herself perched on the kitchen shelf . She could look down and see Jeff , his brothers and his sisters , and his father and mother , eating supper . They did not offer the China Cat anything to eat , of course . Toys don 't have to eat , which is very lucky sometimes . " Come now , chilluns ! Off to bed wif yo ' all ! " called Jeff 's mother , when supper was finished . " Yo ' was up early , an ' yo ' mus ' git to bed early . " So to bed went Jeff and the other children . Their beds were down in the basement , in a room just off the kitchen . It was not a very nice home , but it was the best they could get . " Not so much as at first , " said the Dog . " I 'm used to it now . One of the colored children pulled my tail off . I think it was the one they call Arabella . She 's always grabbing things away from the others . " " Yes , she grabbed me , " said the China Cat . " But I 'm glad she didn 't pull off my tail . I 'm dirty and sticky , and I hardly know myself , but , thank goodness , I 'm all here . " " That 's more than I can say of myself , " said the Cloth Dog sadly . " And I 'm afraid you will not be all there after a few days in this house . It 's a dreadful place , and the children are so rough ! " " Bless your whiskers , no ! " barked the Cloth Dog . " Of course I once came from North Pole Land , but that was years ago . I was a good - looking toy then , and I had a fine tail . But after a while the children with whom I lived grew tired of me . I was tossed about , thrown into corners , and at last put out in the ashes . There one of these colored children found me , and brought me here . And the very first day there was a scrabble and a fight over me , and my tail was pulled off . " " Oh , I 'm so sorry to hear that ! " sighed the China Cat . " If you could only be taken to the store of Mr . Mugg he would put a new tail on you . He mended the broken leg of the Nodding Donkey . " " I 'm afraid it is too late , " whined the Cloth Dog . " But I am sorry for you . You are such a fine toy , and almost new . " " Yes , I am quite new . In fact , I have never been sold as yet , " said the Cat . " I wouldn 't be out of the store now , except for the fire . I was going to be taken by a very nice little girl named Jennie Moore . But now , alas , it is too late for that ! " " Oh , that 's only rain , " went on the Dog . " It is raining hard outside , and you hear it more plainly here because we are so near the street . Don 't worry . Though this place is dirty , no rain comes in . " " Get out ! Get out , everybody ! " came the cry . " There 's a big flood ! The river is rising ! Get up and get out , everybody ! " Posted by You can just imagine how the China Cat felt . Always so clean and white , always washing herself if she found the least speck of dirt on her , always keeping as much as possible away from dust and grime - - and now to be spattered with water , blackened by the smoke of the fire , and finally thrust inside the soiled blouse of a not very clean boy ! Oh , it was terrible ! " Hi , golly ! I 's done gone fool dat p ' liceman , " murmured Jeff , as he stepped off the sidewalk and made his way out of the crowd in front of the burning store . " He tole me to keep away from dem toys ! But I sneaks up when he isn 't lookin ' , an ' I gits de bestest toy ob all ! Golly ! I 's smarter dan a p ' liceman , I is ! " Jeff grinned , showing two rows of white teeth in his black face . Indeed , Jeff 's teeth were the only clean things about him , it seemed . At least they were white , though I can not say that he ever used a tooth brush . His teeth were as white as was the China Cat when she was her very cleanest . But she was not at all clean now . And you know how unhappy this made her feel . " I 's smart , I is ! " said Jeff to himself , grinning . " I could ' a ' tooken a lot ob toys ; but I liked dis Cat bestest ob all . She 's so white ! " " Oh , I ain 't got nuffin much ! " Jeff answered , as he moved away from Sam and the other boys . Sometimes they had taken things away from Jeff , and Jeff was afraid that was what they were now going to do . Inside the blouse of the colored boy the China Cat heard what was said , but she could see nothing . " All right ! " agreed the other colored boys . They made a rush for Jeff , but he was too quick for them . Pressing his hands over his blouse , at the spot where the China Cat was stuffed , so she would not bounce out , Jeff ran down the street . Away he sped , and he was such a good runner that the other boys could not come up to him . Around the corner of one street , down another and up a third ran Jeff , and then he darted down the stairs into what was almost a cellar , though it was called a basement . It was here , in some poor , miserable rooms , that Jeff lived with his brothers and sisters . " Dear me ! " thought the China Cat , " this is a dreadful state of affairs . I wonder if I am ever to get out of this smothering place . I don 't like it , cooped up like this ! I want to get out in the air , and have Geraldine or Angelina wash me ! " You see the China Cat did not know all that had happened to her . She hoped she would soon be back in Mr . Mugg 's store , washed nice and clean , and set on a shelf . But the store of poor Mr . Mugg was in a sad state now , even though the fire had been put out . " Nope ! " answered the colored boy . " I runned ' cause I wanted to git away from Sam Brown an ' his crowd . Dey was gwine to take mah cat away from me ! " " Dere she am ! " he cried , holding her up . " Dere 's mah pussy ! I done got her at de fire , an ' de p ' liceman didn 't see me ! " " Oh , mercy me ! " thought the poor white pussy , " I hope he doesn 't let me fall . Oh , how miserable I am ! So dirty , and in such an unpleasant place ! I thought I 'd be back in the toy shop with the Talking Doll and my other friends ! " The China Cat did not at first know where she was when Jeff pulled her out from beneath his blouse . It had been dark in there , but it was lighter in the kitchen , and this confused the toy animal . But when she had a chance to look around , held up high in the air as she was , she did not at all like her new home . And she was very much afraid that Jeff would let her fall . " At de fire , " Jeff explained . " I heard de engines puffin ' past early dis mawnin ' , an ' I gits up an ' goes out . Dere was a toy store on fire , an ' dey frowed a lot ob toys out in de street . Dere was Jumpin ' Jacks , an ' Dolls , an ' Steamboats , an ' - - an ' - - " " Yo ' can 't git none now , Sim ! " shouted Jeff . " De p ' licemans is all aroun ' de place . Dey won 't let you take nuffin . But I done fooled ' em . Anyhow , de fire 's out now , an ' dey 'll be puttin ' de toys back . But I done got a white cat ! " " This is the most dreadful place I was ever in ! " thought the China Cat , who , of course , could do nothing to save herself . " If they let me fall I shall be broken , all dirty and soiled as I am . " " Heah ! Hush yo ' noise now ! " called Jeff 's mother . " Set up to de table an ' hab yo ' brekfus ' ! Stop playin ' ! " " Dear me , they call that playing ! " thought the China Cat . " I wonder what they would do in a game of tag ? Oh , what is ever to become of me ? " " Now I 's got her , an ' I 's gwine t ' hab some fun ! " cried Arabella . Arabella was the name of this one of Jeff 's sisters . " I 's gwine to hab fun wid dis cat ! " " I should say so ! " exclaimed the Policeman . " Come on ! Move lively ! No loitering ! " he cried , as he had done that time when he tickled the Nodding Donkey in the ribs with the club . " Everybody get out of the way of the fire ! " went on the toy Policeman , swinging his club . " Where are the engines and the firemen ? " he called . But the sad part of it was that there was no water in the toy engine . They are not made that way , though sometimes boys , who get engines for presents , put water in them to play with . But though the Fireman ran out his tiny hose , and pointed it straight at the blaze , no water spurted from the nozzle . " It is getting too hot here for me ! " cried the Policeman . " I 'm afraid we can 't do anything , Mr . Fireman . We had better run upstairs with the rest of the toys ! " " I 'll get my ax and chop open the boxes , " the toy Fireman answered . " We fire - fighters have to do that . If only I had water in my engine I could soon put out this blaze . " " Let us out ! Please let us out ! " begged the Dolls , the toy Dogs , the toy Cats and the other playthings , all shut up as they were . They could smell the smoke , if they could not see the blaze . " I 'll save you ! The Policeman and I will get you out ! " cried the brave Fireman , as he dashed back to his engine to get the small ax which hung there . " If only the Nodding Donkey were here , I 'm sure he could have ridden me on his back out of danger , " thought the China Cat . " He was very fond of me , and I like him . But he is not here ! " " Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! " was the cry , and this time it was a real shout , and not such as the toys had given . Then the man who had smelled and seen the smoke ran and pulled an alarm box . " Yes , it 's in the basement , " said a real policeman , who had arrived almost as soon as had the firemen . " And Mr . Mugg has a lot of new toys down there . We must carry them out for him ! " So they had to stay just where they were . Some were half way up the basement stairs ; the China Cat had just reached the middle of the first floor , when she had to come to a stop ; the Talking Doll was on the top step of the stairs , and there she had to stay . It was there that a fireman saw her as he was about to rush down into the basement . The firemen carried lanterns so they could see in the darkened store . " The toys are scattered all about , " said the fireman , picking up the Talking Doll . " There must have been an explosion ! " Of course he did not know that the toys themselves had gone down into the basement to play , and that the fire was caused by the train running over the box of matches . " We must carry out some of these toys before we begin to squirt the water , or they will all be spoiled , " said the fireman who had picked up the Talking Doll . " Water will ruin them as much as the blaze . Come on , boys ! " he called . " Save the toys ! " Here and there about the store , and down in the basement , rushed the firemen and policemen . Toys that were scattered about were hastily piled in open boxes . Then the boxes were dragged out on the sidewalk . Quite a crowd gathered in the street , for more engines , firemen and policemen were arriving all the while . " Here is a toy cat ! Put her in that box ! " called one fireman to another , who was dragging out a wooden box into which he had tossed the Talking Doll , a Jumping Jack and a dozen Green Pigs . " Take them out ; and then we must begin to use the water ! The fire is getting too hot ! " " Oh , dear me ! " thought the China Cat . " I can 't bear to be wet , and now it is raining ! But I hope it will wash from me some of the black smoke . " " Um - ah ! Jest look at ' em ! " murmured Jeff . " Golly ! I kin git one as easy as not outen dat open box ! Wait till dat p ' liceman turns around . " Jeff watched his chance . The policeman on guard moved off to one side . In an instant Jeff , the dirty little black boy , sneaked up , and , thrusting in his hand , which was black with dirt as well as being covered with black skin , he took up the pure , white China Cat . " Oh , my , how dirty he is ! Oh , I can 't bear to have him touch me ! " thought the China Cat . " I dread dirt more than I do water ! Oh , what shall I do ? " " Oh , I 'll be smothered ! " thought the poor China Cat . " What a dreadful fate to be taken away by a dirty boy ! And only an hour ago I was so happy ! Oh , dear ! Oh , dear ! Oh , dear ! " Posted by Had Jennie Moore stumbled and dropped the China Cat to the floor of the toy shop that would have been the end of this book . For if the Cat had fallen she surely would have been broken to bits . And , though Mr . Mugg might have been able to glue the pieces together again , the China Cat never would have been like herself , and there would be no story about her . " Well , " replied Mr . Mugg , with a kind smile , " breaking the China Cat would not have been so bad . I could easily send to the workshop of Santa Claus and get another toy . But nice little girls , if they fall and hurt themselves , are not so easily mended . I am glad you are not hurt , my dear , " he went on , as he helped Jennie to her feet . " Yes , it is one of my choicest toys , " said Mr . Mugg . " It can not talk , like some of my dolls , nor spring about like some of the Jumping Jacks . But the Cat is so clean and white that it would be an ornament in any home . " " Oh , my , no ! " laughed the toy - shop man . " I once had a cat whose head could be lifted off , and burned matches could be dropped down inside her . But this Cat isn 't that kind . " " I should hope not ! " thought the China Cat , while Aunt Clara was looking her over . " Not that I don 't consider my cousin , the Match Cat , as nice as I am , " she told herself , " but I 'm just different ; that 's all ! I hope I may go to live with this little girl . I shall be able to keep myself spotless and white in her home , I 'm sure . " " Well , Jennie , " said Aunt Clara , as she again let the little girl take the China Cat , " if you think you want this toy you may have it . But we will not take it with us now . I have some other shopping to do , and if we carry the Cat with us something may happen to her . " " We will open those boxes some day next week , " said Mr . Mugg to his daughters . " Perhaps among the new toys there may be another China Cat . I certainly hope so , for when Jennie 's aunt comes for this one we shall feel lonesome . " " Leave the cases the way they are , " he said to the expressmen . " Don 't open any more . I 'll do that later in the week . " " I surely am glad Jennie didn 't let me fall and break , " said the Cat to herself . " And I am glad I am going to belong to such a nice , clean little girl . " Then , as one could see her , hidden away as she was , the China Cat washed her paws with her red tongue . Once again night came . The toy store was closed , and all the lights turned out except a small one in the middle of the store . For a time it was quiet , and then , once more , the Trumpeter blew a jolly blast on his horn . " Yes , " was the answer . " It is now night , no one can see us , and we can do as we please . Let 's play tag again , " said a number of toys . " Oh , I 'm here ! " mewed the white pussy . " I 'm just sort of hidden away so I will not be sold . I am to go to a little girl named Jennie Moore . " " Hum ! Jennie Moore ! Seems to me I heard her spoken of by the father of the little lame boy when the Nodding Donkey was brought back here to have his leg mended , " said the Jumping Jack . " Wouldn 't it be funny , Miss China Cat , if you should go to live in a house near your friend , the Nodding Donkey ? " " It would be very nice , I think , " said the China Cat . " But I have something new to suggest , " she went on , as she moved out near the edge of the shelf . " Instead of playing tag , why can 't all of us go down into the basement ? " " I heard it said that a new lot of toys was put down in the basement to - day , " went on the China Cat . " Let 's go down and call on them . It 's always polite to call on new neighbors , you know , " she added . " Oh , this is the basement , " said the China Cat . " The toy store is up above . You 'll be brought up there with us , soon , we hope . But we came to visit you and cheer you up . " " I say let 's have a race ! " cried the Engineer of a toy train of cars on the floor . " I haven 't had a race with my engine and cars since Mr . Mugg lifted us out of our box . Come on ! I 'll get up steam and have a race . " " Oh , I have run over a box of matches ! " exclaimed the toy Engineer . " They have begun to blaze and the straw from the packing cases is catching ! Oh , look what I did , but I didn 't mean to ! " " Take her away ! Don 't let her come near me ! The black will rub off , I 'm sure , and I shall be ruined and damaged . Oh , take her away , Soldier Captain ! " and the China Cat , in her white coat , snuggled as close as she could to the brave officer with his shiny sword . " Why , don 't you see ! " exclaimed the China Cat . " That black doll is coming to play tag with us ! She belongs on the other side of the store , among the Hallowe ' en novelties ! If she rubs up against me she 'll get me all black , and I can 't stand it to be dirty ! " All the other toys glanced toward the toy at which the China Cat pointed with one paw . Walking along the edge of the shelf was a fuzzy - haired black Doll , her face as shiny as the stove pipe . She was called a Topsy Doll . " Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " laughed Topsy . " Dat suah am funny ! Why , my black doesn 't come off ! I spects maybe I 's white inside , but de black on de outside don 't come off ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " " No , I won 't ! Hones ' to goodness I won 't ! " promised the Topsy Doll . " Some folks do say I 's terrible mischievous but I can 't help it . I growed up dat way , I reckon ! " " Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! " laughed the black Doll . " Golly , I 's mischievous ; but mah black won 't rub off ! Look ! " Topsy took up from the shelf a piece of the white paper Mr . Mugg used to wrap up the toys when they were purchased . Topsy rubbed this piece of paper on her black , shiny cheek as hard as she could rub it . Then she held it out to the China Cat . The paper was as white as before . " Of course she may play if she will not smut me , " said the China Cat . " Please don 't believe I 'm fussy , " she went on ; " but I shall never be sold if I do not keep myself white and clean . I thought at first that Topsy had been down in the coal bin . " " I 'm glad of that , " said the China Cat . " Now I 'll be it , and see if I can tag any of you . Look out ! I 'm coming ! " " Yes , I 'll do that , " agreed the China Cat . " I 'll only tag you with my paws . And I think I 'll tag you right now ! " she called to the Topsy Doll . So after that the Cat did not run quite so fast . Topsy was a very lively little doll . She skipped here and there , and kept the other toys laughing at her funny tricks and the queer way her kinky hair bobbed about her head . The game went on faster than ever , and such jolly fun as there was you never would have dreamed could happen in a toy shop , unless you could have seen it yourself . But of course that is not allowed . If you had so much as peeked in with one eye , all the toys would have become as quiet as a chocolate mouse . " ' Cause some ob de toys in mah pa 't of de store says as how I kept ' em guessin ' , " was the answer . " Dey done say dey nebber know whut I 'm gwine to do nex ' . I suah mus ' be a riddle . " " Oh , no , that isn 't a riddle , " the Soldier Captain explained . " A riddle is like a puzzle . For instance , I ask you what has four legs , and yet can 't walk ? " " Hu ! Dey ain 't nothin ' whut has fo ' legs an ' can 't walk ! " declared Topsy . " Dat 's silly ! I 's got only two legs , but I can walk when nobody looks at me . An ' dat Noah 's Ark Elephant , he 's got fo ' legs , an ' he can walk . What is dat has fo ' legs an ' can 't walk I axes yo ' , Mr . Soldier Captain ? " " A table has four legs and yet it can 't walk , " laughed the wooden officer . " That 's a riddle , Topsy . Now see if you can tell one . " So the Topsy Doll and the other toys began to think of riddles , asking them of one another . But , somehow or other , the China Cat was very still and quiet . She did not enter into this fun as she had into the game of tag . " What 's the matter ? " asked the Jumping Jack , when he had guessed a funny riddle about a little green hen . " Are you watching for mice , China Cat ? There are some little ones , made of cloth and wood over in the novelty department where Topsy came from . " " No , I am not thinking of mice , " answered the China Cat . " To tell you the truth , Mr . Jumping Jack , I was thinking of the Nodding Donkey . He came back here , you know , to have his leg fixed , and he spoke about how happy he was with the little lame boy , who , I 'm glad to know , is lame no longer . I was just wondering if I would go to a nice home such as he has . " " Yes , it is nice in Mr . Mugg 's store , " the China Cat agreed . " But I suppose we must do as we are told . Dear Nodding Donkey ! How I should like to see him again . I wonder - - " " Hush ! Quiet , everybody ! Back to your shelves ! " suddenly cried Tumbling Tom . " Morning is about to come and Mr . Mugg and his daughters will soon be here . They must never catch us moving about ! " " Oh , no , it isn 't dirt , " said Angelina , as she took the Cat down to look more closely at her . " It 's just a little speck of black feather from my duster . It must have just got on . " " Oh , Aunt Clara ! How lovely of you ! " cried Jennie Moore , for that was her name . " Let me see now . What would I like best ? " " That is very kind of you , I am sure , " said Mr . Mugg , rubbing his hands and looking over the tops of his glasses . " We have many toys here for good little girls , and for good boys , too . Not long ago I sold a Nodding Donkey to a lame boy , and , would you believe me ; that boy isn 't lame at all now , " and Mr . Mugg laughed , and Aunt Clara laughed also . " I should rather have pie , " said the Talking Doll . " But who blew the horn ? That is what I 'd like to know . No one has a horn in this toy shop that I know anything about . " " I tell you it isn 't a horn - - it 's a trumpet , and I am blowing it , " said a voice in the front part of the toy store . " I came in only to - day , but I thought perhaps you other toys would like a little music , so I tuned up my trumpet . But please don 't call it a horn . I am not a fish man ! " With that there came walking along the shelf , from the front part of the store , a little man wearing a blue coat , dark red trousers , and a hat with a long , sweeping plume . I say he was a little man , but I mean he was a toy , dressed up like a man such as you see in fairy stories . In his hand he carried a little golden trumpet . And the blast was such a jolly one that every toy in the store felt like dancing or singing . The Jumping Jack worked his arms and legs faster than they had ever jerked about before . The Talking Doll swayed on her feet as though waltzing , and even the China Cat beat time with her tail . " No , " answered the Cat . " I was just thinking of a friend of mine who once lived there . You remember him , " she added , turning to the Jumping Jack . " I mean the Nodding Donkey . " " Of course I remember him ! " said the Jumping Jack . " I should say I did ! A most jolly chap , always bowing to you in the most friendly way . He isn 't here any more . " " No , he was bought for a little lame boy who had to go on crutches , " said the Talking Doll . " I remember the Nodding Donkey very well . I say he was bought for a little lame boy . But the truth of the matter is that the lame boy got well , and now is just like other boys . Once the Nodding Donkey 's leg was broken and he was brought back here for Mr . Mugg to fix . " " Then it seems I am not to stay here always , " went on the Trumpeter . " Well , I like a jolly life , going about from place to place . I had fun at the North Pole , and now I hope I shall have some fun here . That 's why I blew my trumpet - - to start you toys into life . " " We always come to life after dark , and make believe we are alive when no one sees us , " explained the China Cat . " That is one of the things we are allowed to do . But as soon as daylight shines , or when any one comes into the store to look at us , we must turn back into toys that can move only when we are wound up . That is , all except me . I have no springs inside me - - I move of myself whenever make - believe time comes , " she added , and she switched her tail from side to side . " Well , I have springs inside me , " said the Talking Doll , " and also a little phonograph . When it is wound up I can say ' papa ' and ' mama ' and ' I am hungry . ' But when we are by ourselves , as we are now , I can say what I please . " " I , too , have springs inside me , " said the Trumpeter . " That is how I blow my trumpet . But now , as we are by ourselves and it is night , why not have some fun ? Let 's do something . Perhaps , as a newcomer , I should let some one else start it . But I could not bear to lie on the shelf , doing nothing , especially when it is so near the jolly Christmas season . So I just blew my trumpet to awaken you all . " " And I 'm glad you did , " said the Jumping Jack . " I say let 's have some fun ! Shall I show you how well I can jump ? " he asked . " If this is your first night here , " he said to the Trumpeter , " you do not know all the tricks I can do . " " Oh , that Jumping Jack . He thinks he is the only one who can jump ! " whispered a Jack in the Box to Tumbling Tom . " If I could get out of this box I 'd show him some jumps that would make him open his eyes ! " " And as for tumbles ! " said Tom . " Why , I can beat him all to pieces ! But we must be polite , you know , especially before strangers - - I mean the Trumpeter . Don 't let 's have a quarrel . " So the toys in the shop of Mr . Horatio Mugg got ready to have a jolly night . Just as the China Cat had said , the toys had the power of making believe . They could pretend to come to life , and talk among themselves , and do things they never would think of doing in the daytime . This was when no human eyes saw them . " Oh , no , I 'll land on a big rubber ball and bounce , " the Jumping Jack answered . " If you want to , Trumpeter , " he added , " you can blow a blast on your horn to start me off . It will be more exciting if you do that . " " Yes , suppose he should fall , " said the China Cat . " But he must show off , I suppose . I 'd rather have less exciting fun - - such as a game of tag . " " Hush ! " begged the Trumpeter . " He is ready to jump , I think . Hello there , Jack ! " he called to the toy on the top shelf . " Are you ready ? " " What 's the matter ? Did the Jumping Jack fall and break his leg like the Nodding Donkey ? " asked the Talking Doll . " Oh , I dare not look ! Tell me about it ! " " Of course he didn 't break his leg ! " said the Cat . " But he stepped on my tail ; that 's what he did ! Right on my tail ! I hope it isn 't broken , " she went on , as she looked carefully at the tip . " Oh , I beg your pardon ! I am so sorry ! " exclaimed the Jumping Jack . " I didn 't mean to do that . The ball rolled , and I slipped . " And while the Trumpeter played , the toys danced . The Jumping Jack danced with the China Cat , but she said his style was jerky . Then Tumbling Tom danced with the white cat , but Tom kept falling down all the while so that dance was , really , not a success . " All right ! Tag will be fun ! " agreed the China Cat . " I 'll be it . Scatter now , so I shall have to run to tag you . " " Take her away ! Take her away ! Don 't let her come near me ! " cried the China Cat . " Oh , Captain ! " she exclaimed to the wooden soldier , " don 't let her get near me ! Take her away ! " and the China Cat acted so strangely that the other toys did not know what to think . Posted by " Oh , Joe has his Nodding Donkey in the window ! " exclaimed Jennie . " That 's a sign he wants me to come over and play with him . I 'll go and ask Aunt Clara if I may go ! " " Please may I go over and see Joe ? " begged Jennie . " He has set his Nodding Donkey in his front window , and that means he wants me to come over . He always does that when he wants me . I 'll take my new China Cat over to see him . " " I should like to meet those toys , " mewed the Cat to herself . And , a little later she did , as two other little girls came in to play with Joe . Then along came Dick , who was Dorothy 's brother , and he brought his White Rocking Horse , though it was rather a large and heavy toy to carry . And Arnold , who was Mirabell 's brother , brought along his Bold Tin Captain Soldier and his men . Thus Winter passed and Spring came , with warm , sunny days when the children could play with their toys on the porches . One day Joe took his Nodding Donkey and went over to call on Jennie and her China Cat . But just as Joe was going up the porch steps he heard a hand organ down the street . And now I must tell you what happened . The hand organ was quite a distance from Jennie 's house , and it took Joe some little time to reach it . While he was gone , having , as I said , left his Nodding Donkey on Jennie 's porch , along came sneaking Jeff , the colored boy . " Dis yeah suah is a fine toy ! " muttered Jeff . " It 's a heap sight better dan de China Cat I got at de fire ! I 'll take dis Donkey ! " " Oh , golly ! " he murmured . " Oh , dey 's lookin ' straight at me , dey is ! Dat 's de China Cat I tooked from de fire , an ' she must have come to life ! Oh , I dassn 't take dat Donkey while she 's glarin ' at me wif dem big eyes ! Oh , I 's skeered , I is ! " With that Jeff turned and started on a run out of the yard . The Nodding Donkey , who had been very much afraid he was about to be stolen , was so thankful he did not know what to do . And the China Cat , who had feared that her friend was about to be taken from her , kept on staring as hard as she could . " I am glad I did , " mewed the Cat . " I didn 't want you to be taken away from me . You are the best friend I have . " " He was a Plush Bear , " answered the Nodding Donkey . " A most wonderful Plush Bear ! When he was wound up he moved his head and his paws and he growled as natural as anything . " And the Nodding Donkey and the China Cat looked at one another most happily . They liked good times . The Toy Picnic was a great success , and how the boys and girls did laugh when the China Cat fell into the brook ! " Ha ! Ha ! " laughed the policeman . " That cat will never catch any mice . She 's a toy , a China Cat , and she was stolen from that toy shop where there was a fire yesterday . It was Horatio Mugg 's place . A lot of the toys were set out on the sidewalk , and some negroes who live near by walked off with quite a lot . Mr . Mugg , after the fire , made out a list of his toys that were missing , and among them was this China Cat . I had one of the lists . " Oh , dear me ! " thought the China Cat . " He thought I was partly black ! I must be very dirty indeed . My toy friends would never know me ! Oh , shall I ever be clean again ? " " Yes , it is only a toy China Cat , " said the policeman who had rescued the pussy , as well as the negro family . " I guess she was pure white once . But she got blackened in the fire , and it didn 't wash off in the flood , though goodness knows it rained enough ! " " I should say so , " agreed the sergeant . " Well , leave the China Cat here , and I will send her back to Mr . Mugg . You didn 't see any of his other stolen toys , did you ? " However , she never heard , nor did she ever again see her little friend without any tail . But I might tell you that the little Cloth Dog was still on the mantel when the flood went down and Jeff and the family moved back into their basement . The Cloth Dog was not drowned , and he lived for many years after that , even without his tail , though I cannot say he was very happy . Then he set the China Cat off the top of the big desk , and on a smaller one , so she would not get broken . All the remainder of the morning the China Cat was in the police station , though she was not arrested , you understand . Oh , my , no ! She had done nothing wrong , even though she was very dirty . But of course being dirty was not her fault . " I think I shall telephone Mr . Mugg and tell him to come here and get his China Cat , " the sergeant said . " This may not be his toy . It may have been stolen from some other store . But I 'll soon find out . " So the police sergeant telephoned to Mr . Mugg . The toy - store keeper and his daughters , Angelina and Geraldine , were very busy , getting things to rights after the fire . It had not been as bad as was at first supposed , being down in the basement . Some smoke and water got up on the main floor , however , but this was soon cleaned up and the store put to rights again . " What 's that ? " cried Mr . Mugg over the telephone , though of course the China Cat could not hear what he said . " You have my white China Cat ? Oh , I am so glad ! I 'll be right down to get her . " " All right , " answered the sergeant . " She is here waiting for you . Though I would not call her very white , " he added as he hung up the telephone . " I 'll go with you , " offered Geraldine . " I want to see the China Cat again . I hope she isn 't chipped . Who had her ? " Well , you can just imagine how the China Cat felt . Her heart , such as she had , was beating with joy when she saw Mr . Mugg and Geraldine come into the station house . But now to hear Mr . Mugg say she was not his Cat ! Oh , it was terrible , I do assure you ! " Not your Cat ? " exclaimed the sergeant . " Why , I understood a lot of toys were stolen from your shop after the fire , and a China Cat was among them . " " Yes , that is so , " answered Mr . Mugg . " But my China Cat was a white one , and this is black and white . No , she does not belong to me . " " Why , of course she is our Cat , Father ! " said Geraldine . " She is just grimy and dirty . That 's the reason you think she is black and white . If I could only wash her you 'd see that she is our own China Cat . " This Miss Geraldine did . Under the stream of water , when some soap had been rubbed on the China Cat , a great change took place . Off came the grime of the smoke ! Off came the spots of sticky molasses ! Off came the soiled marks made by Jeff 's dirty hands ! The White Cat , not coming to life while Miss Geraldine had her , of course got no soap in her eyes , as would have happened if she had been real . " Why - - er - - yes - - er - - my dear - - that is our China Cat ! " he said . " We 'll take her right back to the store ! Oh , I 'm very glad to get her back . Thank you , very much , " he said to the police sergeant . As for the white pussy , you can imagine how glad and happy she was to be clean again . Nothing else mattered for the time , and she would have mewed out a song if she had been allowed to do so . But of course she could not . So the China toy was again put in the show window of the shop , which had been cleaned and put to rights after the fire . In the same window was some doll 's furniture , and on the bureau was a looking glass . The China Cat caught a glimpse of herself . She was as clean and white as a new snowball . She looked all around . There in the window with her were most of the toys she had known for a long time . They did not seem to have been burned or scorched by the fire . In fact , though some of his playthings were damaged , Mr . Mugg did not , of course , put any of these in his show window . " But when night comes , " she said to herself , " I shall have a chance . Then we can all talk about the fire . I wonder if any of my friends had such adventures as I had ? " " Oh , Aunt Clara ! See ! " cried the little girl . " There is the China Cat you were going to buy for me ! Mr . Mugg thought she was smashed in the fire , but she wasn 't and here she is . Oh , please take me in and get me the China Cat ! " " Oh , wasn 't that fire dreadful ! " sighed Mr . Mugg , raising his hands . " I thought my whole place would burn ! But the firemen carried out a lot of the toys , and though this white China Cat was stolen , I have her back . So you want her , do you , little girl ? " he asked . " Oh , I hope there will never be another fire ! " exclaimed Mr . Mugg , as he bowed his customers out of the door . " I can 't imagine what started this one . But I am glad the China Cat is safe , though she did get very dirty . " " And from what Mr . Mugg said , I imagine she was as black as coal after the fire , " laughed Aunt Clara . " Well , I am glad Snowball is clean and white now , and that you at last have her . Take good care of her and don 't drop your cat , for I think she will break easily . " " Though I cannot say I liked that , " said the China Cat , telling her adventures afterward to her friend , the Talking Doll . " The clothes sort of tickled me . But Jennie was so kind and good I did not want to make a fuss . " When evening came Jennie put her China Cat away in a closet in her room , where there were many other toys . At first it was so dark that the China Cat could see nothing , but , after a while , she saw where some light came in through the keyhole , and then Snowball could look about her . The light that came through the hole was not daylight , for it was now night , and Jennie was going to bed . It was the light from a little lamp that burned all night just outside Jennie 's room , and the China Cat was glad of that , for by the gleam she was able to see her way around the closet . " What 's that about a fire ? " suddenly asked a voice just behind the China Cat . She looked around the shelf on which she sat but could see no one , though a Wooden Doll , with funny , staring eyes , was looking straight at her . " No , " was the answer . " Though I was just going to . I 'm glad you have come here to live with us . You 'll like it here . Jennie is such a nice little girl . " " Jack Box , " answered the Wooden Doll . " He 's one of those funny , pop - up Jacks in a Box , and he 's always trying to fool some one . I suppose , because you are the newest toy to come here , that he is playing a trick on you . " " That 's just my way ! Can 't help it ! Have to jump when my spring uncoils ! " said the Jack , with a broad grin on his face . " Let 's have some fun ! " he went on . " It 's our chance to make believe come to life , now that Jennie has gone to bed . Sweet child . I like her , don 't you ? " he asked Snowball . " Oh , look out ! " she cried . " You have knocked me off the shelf ! Oh , there I go ! " and the Wooden Doll fell straight down ! " Aunt Clara ! Aunt Clara ! Come here ! There 's something in my toy closet . I heard a noise ! Maybe that colored boy is trying to get Snowball , my China Cat . " " Nonsense , Jennie . You imagined it , dear . Go to sleep now , " replied her aunt , coming in from her room and turning up the light . " There it is , " said Jennie 's aunt . " Your Wooden Doll fell off the shelf . You couldn 't have put her far enough back . " So after breakfast the China Cat was set in the front window of the house , while Jennie sat near in a chair reading a book of fairy stories . After a while Jennie was called away to help her aunt , and the China Cat was left alone . For the first time that day she could look about as she pleased , moving her head and stretching her paws , as no one was in the room . " Well , I do declare ! " mewed the China Cat to herself . " How did he get here ? Oh , if I could only speak to him ! See , he is bowing to me ! Oh , isn 't this just wonderful ! " Posted by |
I would like to thank J . K . Poffenberger and S . Berry for creating and supporting the " Littles Britches " AU and for generously making it available for others to play in . I would also like to thank S . Berry for providing assistance in the preparation of this story and for formatting it for submission . Nathan and Josiah were just approaching the Larabee Ranch , looking forward to checking in on Chris , Buck , and the boys , when the peace of their ride was shattered by terrified screams and an unearthly roar . Both immediately put their horses into a gallop and headed in the direction of the ranch house , the apparent location of someone in terrible distress . They were just about upon the house when they had to pull their horses up suddenly to avoid running over two small boys as they came tearing around the corner of the house shrieking ! JD kept running past Josiah and Nathan , but Vin ducked behind a rain barrel , just as Buck came flying around the corner bent low , arms out stretched , hands like claws , emitting a horrendous roar ! As Buck passed the barrel , his eyes on JD ahead of him , Vin launched himself onto Buck 's back with war whoop , yelling , " JD ! I got him ! JD ! Come help me ! " The younger boy turned and he , too , launched himself on Buck . Soon the three of them were rolling on the ground , yelling and laughing . Nathan and Josiah , momentarily stunned by the spectacle in front of them , hadn 't immediately noticed Chris standing quietly on the porch observing the proceedings . He looked up at the two on horseback , gave a half - grin , and shrugged , as if to say , " Boys will be boys ! " Nathan and Josiah couldn 't help but burst out laughing as they got off their horses and joined Chris on the porch . Both couldn 't have been more pleased to see how the young boys had settled in and were behaving normally , well as normally as young boys can be expected to around a big kid like Buck . Even Vin , who they 'd only seen as quiet and solemn , was yelling and carrying on almost as much as Buck and JD . " Afternoon , Chris , " Josiah said as he mounted the steps , " we came to see if the boys were well and in good spirits . " His rumbling laugh boomed out as he continued , " Brother Nathan , do they look well to you ? As far as the spirits go , it would be difficult to imagine them in better spirits ! " He clapped Nathan on the back while the healer just grinned . The three were about to sit down to some conversation , when Vin registered who had arrived while he was tackling Buck . " JD ! Mr . Nathan and Mr . Josiah are here ! " He broke away from the scrimmage and hurled himself up the stairs and at Josiah as JD broke away and did the same to Nathan . The two men beamed as they hugged the boys . There was no question that the two boys were special ; one could not help be around them and not start to feel good . Buck picked himself up , swatted at the dust on his clothes , and came up the steps grinning sheepishly . " Nathan , Josiah , good to see you . I was just training the boys on how to protect themselves if they meet a bear . " " Well , now , I was teaching ' em how to run . We hadn 't gotten to the part about it not being a good idea to jump on the bear yet . That 's tomorrow 's lesson . " With that , all adult conversation ended as JD 's excited voice took over . " Mr . Josiah , Mr . Nathan , come out to the barn . You gotta see our horses . And we can show you the new kittens . And one of the mares foaled a few days ago , and the foal , she was all wobbly legged and falling down , but now she 's running all over the place ! Come on . I 'll show you . Chris , is it OK ? " as he tugged at Josiah and Nathan 's hands , leading them toward the barn . Chris smiled and nodded . He and Buck followed willingly as Vin ran ahead . Chris was beginning to find it hard to imagine life before the boys had joined them . Their zest for life on a horse ranch was contagious , and both Buck and Chris were seriously infected . In the time that the boys had lived at the ranch , they 'd learned a lot about helping out and eagerly took on chores , especially if they involved helping with the horses . Since it was a horse ranch , it was an easy matter to find chores involving the horses , such as cleaning stalls , feeding or grooming the horses , or oiling the tack . It was not at all unusual to find one or both of the boys in the barn carrying out one of these duties while Chris or Buck tackled the myriad of heavier tasks involved in the management of a horse ranch . Vin looked down at the room , swallowed hard and headed toward it . He knew where the tool room was . He 'd just never been in it before . He 'd managed to avoid it so far . When he got to the door , he paused , then squared his shoulders and stepped in . Chris , holding up the horse 's forefoot and waiting for the nippers , watched , a little puzzled at Vin 's slowness . Usually the boy raced from place to place . He called , " They 're hanging on the wall . " When Vin didn 't answer and didn 't reappear right away , Chris put down the horse 's foot and walked to the room . He found Vin inside , shivering , his eyes filled with terror . Chris reached out to put his arm around the boy when Vin shrank away from him and put his arm up protectively , whimpering , " Please , don 't . Please , it hurts . I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean it . " As gently but as quickly as he could Chris picked up the trembling boy , who stiffened immediately at his touch , and carried him out of the room . He took him out into the sunshine talking to him the whole time . " Vin , it 's OK . I 'm not going to hurt you . Vin , it 's Chris . I won 't hurt you . I 'm just going to put you on this bench , " he said as he sat the quaking child on the bench in the sunshine by the barn . Chris sat down beside him at a small distance and waited . The rancher watched as Vin grasped the edge of the bench , his knuckles white , then he slowly relaxed and stopped trembling . All the time , Chris was seething inside with anger at whoever had hurt the boy and caused this kind of fear in him , but he was careful not to let Vin see his fury . " You OK , Vin ? " The boy nodded , but didn 't look at him . " Did that room remind you of something bad ? " Vin nodded again , head hung low . " Want to talk about it ? " The boy turned to Chris , a haunted look deep in his blue eyes . He looked like he was ready to say something , then shook his head and quickly looked down again . He hung his head and wrapped his arms around himself but sidled closer to Chris on the bench . " I 'm sorry . I get kinda scared in small , dark rooms . I 'm sorry . I shoulda told you before , " his voice a bare whisper . Chris moved closer , taking care to watch that he didn 't upset the boy and put he his arm around Vin 's shoulders . He was relieved when he felt the tension ease and the boy leaned into him . " It 's OK . When you want to talk about it , we can . No reason you shoulda told me . I 'm sorry I sent you in there . You don 't have to go in that room unless you want to . " When Chris had put him down on the bench by the barn , Vin felt miserable . Maybe Chris wouldn 't want him around anymore now that he knew Vin was a coward , afraid of dark rooms . He 'd tried to be brave , tried to make himself go in that room . Every time he got near the door , his heart would start beating faster and he 'd feel him again - - Mr . Baker . Mr . Baker hadn 't liked Vin . Nothing the boy could do had been right . At first , he 'd tried as hard as he could to do what he was supposed to , but Mr . Baker would yell at him , hit him and drag him into the closet , where he 'd hit him again and then lock him in , for hours . Vin never really knew how long he was left hurting and cowering in that small , dark room . Later , he 'd given up trying , and just worked hard on staying out of the way , but Mr . Baker would find him and yell at him . Even if Vin hadn 't done anything , he would beat him and lock him up . Sometimes , Mr . Baker had a cigar in his hand when he 'd found Vin and he 'd yelled and then burned him . Vin grabbed his arms tighter around himself when he remembered the fear and pain of that . He tried to tell himself that Mr . Baker was gone , left behind , that he couldn 't hurt him anymore , but when he faced the dark room , memories flooded back and it was as if Mr . Baker was standing right behind him ready to hit him and close the door . Sitting in the warm sunshine , Vin started to relax . Chris ' gentle words slowly penetrated . It didn 't sound as if he wanted to be rid of him now that he knew the truth . He felt his mentor 's arm come around his shoulder and it felt good and safe . Mr . Baker was fading into the past again . He leaned against Chris and relaxed . He wanted to tell him about what had happened , but when he opened his mouth , the fears came back and he couldn 't form the words . Chris said it was OK and he could wait . For now , he just accepted the strong and comforting presence . Maybe later , he 'd find a way to tell him . Later that evening after the men were sure both boys were asleep , Chris told Buck what happened . He didn 't try to hide his anger . " Whoever beat up on him probably also locked him up somewhere dark and small . Buck , he was terrified . He didn 't even recognize me when he was in that room . If I ever find the bastard that did this to him , I 'll kill him ! " " JD said something once about Vin not liking closets . Said something happened at the orphanage . Didn 't seem to know much more than that , " commented Buck . " I didn 't realize how bad it really was else I would a told ya . " " Not your fault . Vin 's so careful to stay away from places like that , JD probably doesn 't know how bad it is . Goddamn it , Buck ! How could someone hurt him like that ? He couldn 't a been more ' n about five when it happened . Nathan said those scars of his have been there for awhile . " Buck looked at Chris , seeing his anger , and surprisingly his guilt . How could he feel guilty for this ? He couldn 't protect Vin back then . Buck shook his head ; Chris was like that . He was hurting for what had happened to Vin years ago and what it was doing to him now . " Chris , this ain 't your fault . We all know that Vin 's had a hard life . It ain 't fair . We 've got to make it different from now on . That 's what we can do . " Chris nodded . He knew his friend was right . If he could just get his hands on the bastard that had done this to Vin , but that was a long time ago and a long way away . No point dwelling on the impossible . He started to calm down and thought about Buck 's comment . " You 're right . We have to make a difference now . We 'll have to be kind of careful to remember . I 'll try to work with him to see if we can get him over the worst of it . Maybe Nathan or Josiah will have some ideas . And I guess I 'll see if I can get him to tell me if there 's anything else that scares him like that . God knows there may be something else and , damn it , he ain 't likely to bring it up ! " The next day , Buck , Chris and the boys had been working down by the corrals when in the late afternoon , Buck called out , " That 's it for me . I 'm done for the day . I 'm heading up to the house . " The two men headed off to the ranch house while the boys played . Vin had just shoved JD into a large pile of loose hay , when they heard gunshots , nearby . They raced out of the barn and around the corner , to see a group of men on horses surrounding Chris and Buck . They could see Chris was helping Buck off the ground . JD started to yell , " Buck ! " when Vin clapped his hand over his cousin 's mouth and grabbed his arm to pull him back behind the barn . " JD , quiet ! We ain 't gonna be able to help get them away from all those men ! We need ta watch and see where they take them and we gotta go for help ! " They watched long enough to see Chris and Buck escorted into the ranch house . Then the boys put bridles on their ponies and jumped on bareback as they still didn 't have saddles . They urged the ponies into a run for the gate and kept running , leaning low over the ponies , especially when they heard more gunfire behind them . " Come on , JD ! We gotta go get help ! " yelled Vin . They stayed low over their horses and kept galloping until they were well away from the ranch and sure that no one was following them . Vin pulled up and JD as well . " What 're we gonna do ? " asked the younger boy . After Chris and Buck had been shot down while heading back to the ranch house , they had been surrounded by a group of men led by ' The Colonel . ' Neither man had been seriously injured , and they both sized up the opposition while they were dragged into the house and tied . The second in command seemed to be a man named Sheffield and as nearly as they could tell the rest were hired guns . There appeared to be at least 12 of them altogether . Chris had blood down the side of his face where a bullet had creased his head and Buck had a bullet wound in the leg , but both were well enough to be keenly aware of their circumstances . They were tied up in there own home by a group of men whose purpose they didn 't know . The Colonel stood in front of them . " Mr . Larabee and Mr . Wilmington , let me introduce myself . I am Colonel William Standiford , an old friend of Judge Travis ' . " With that Chris felt a cold chill . This fellow didn 't sound like an ' old friend ' the Judge wanted to see again . Chris looked at the Colonel coolly , " So , how do you know the Judge ? " Buck and Chris exchanged looks when the Colonel turned his back and moved off . Suddenly , there was a flurry of activity outside , men yelling and rapidly moving horses could be heard . Both Chris and Buck were stilled with the gut - wrenching realization that the noise was probably due to the boys . ' Oh , God ' thought Buck . ' What are you kids doing ? ' They heard the hoof beats pass by the ranch and start to fade as they moved off to a distance . Both Chris and Buck relaxed a little when they didn 't hear any other horses pursue . Moment later , their initial relief was replaced with panic when they heard the shots . But the fear was short - lived as Sheffield came in to report . " No , " replied the Colonel . " They 're playing right into our hands . Let them go . Those other peacekeepers from town are going to come looking for these two when those kids report on what 's going on out here . I want you and a few men to get out by the road . I want them stopped and brought in here . " Chris and Buck looked at each other . Vin and JD had escaped , but Josiah and the others would be riding straight into a trap ! And there was nothing they could do to warn them . They had made their escape and now JD was asking Vin what to do . He didn 't know what to do , but his cousin was depending on him . He had to come up with a plan . " We 'll go to town to get Mr . Josiah , Mr . Nathan , and Mr . Ezra , " answered Vin , assured that this was the only reasonable course to take . JD was thinking he was glad Vin knew his way , because he wasn 't sure he could do this on his own . They proceeded on to town at a gentle lope , knowing that the ponies couldn 't gallop the whole way . When they got to town , both boys headed for Josiah 's church , but it was empty . They looked across the way . That 's where they thought they could find help - the saloon . They tied the ponies and approached the doors cautiously . Light poured out and there were loud noises of men talking and women laughing . Both boys felt very timid about entering , but they had to find help . They peeked slowly through the doorway , trying to find Nathan , Josiah , or Ezra . JD spied Josiah and Nathan in the corner . " There they are , " he squeaked as he started in their direction . Vin followed his cousin , casting wary glances right and left as he moved into the room . The two boys had made it about halfway to the table when a very large and very drunk cowboy stepped in front of them . " Well , lookee here . What do we have here ? A couple a pint - sized cowboys . What 're you boys doing in here ? " he leered and started to reach for JD . Vin struggled to pull his arm free , yelling at the man , " Let go of me ! You let go of me ! " He gave the man a kick in the shins and cringed as the man raised his hand to hit him . By this time , JD had jumped in and was kicking from the side , taking care to duck away when the man tried to get a hold of him . Suddenly , the man felt a huge hand on his shoulder . " I think you 'd better just leave these boys alone , Brother , " said the tall preacher as he and Nathan came up and JD scooted for shelter behind the healer . The drunken cowboy started to protest , then saw the size of the preacher and decided he 'd rather be back at the bar drinking with his friends . He let go of Vin 's arm and backed away hands out . " Sorry , no harm meant . Just having a little fun . " He turned and made a hasty retreat . Nathan scooped JD up and Josiah took Vin 's small hand in his huge one as they headed back to their table . They sat down , JD on Nathan 's knee , and Josiah got eye - level with Vin . " Vin , JD , what 's wrong ? Why are you here ? " asked the preacher gently trying not to reveal his concern . The boys coming to the saloon alone could only mean one thing - - Chris and Buck were in trouble . JD started spilling out the story , but his words tumbled over each other making little sense . Vin took over and explained what had happened at the ranch . " Can you come to help , please ? " he pleaded . " I - I don 't know . Not too bad , I think , ' cause they were standing and walking . Chris was holding his head , and there was blood , and Buck was limping like his leg hurt , " answered Vin . JD looked like he was about ready to cry at the memory . " We 'll get saddled up and go see for ourselves . Too bad Ezra 's not back yet . We could probably use his help . Don 't you worry none , we 'll get Chris and Buck out , " Josiah said to the boys . It was well into the evening when Nathan and Josiah were ready to head out . Vin and JD went out with them and were ready to mount up on their ponies , when Josiah said as gently as he could , " Whoa , now , boys . I think you 'd better stay here and let us check things out . Besides you need to be here to explain what happened when Ezra gets back . Tell you what , why don 't we get Inez to let you get a little sleep in the back , then she can come and get you when he arrives . " They didn 't have much of a plan , considering the odds , but their first step was to get close to the ranch and size up the situation . They didn 't get that far . A half mile from the ranch , they were surrounded by several riders , who came out of the dark , firing a few warning shots . Josiah was winged in the arm and neither really had a chance . ' Great ! ' thought Josiah as they were led , unarmed , toward the ranch . ' Some rescuers we are . ' " They 're just fine , " said Nathan . " They rode in to tell us what happened and they wanted to come help us , but we made them stay with Inez . Don 't worry , they 're fine ; just worried about you two . How bad are you hurt ? " " Well , I am not an inhumane man . Go ahead , " said the Colonel and he signaled one of his men to watch Nathan . The healer found that the wounds were fairly superficial and could be taken care with cleansing and bandaging . Chris would probably have a punishing headache for awhile . " OK , now be real quiet . We gotta sneak out the back . Don 't make no sound now . Come on , " said Vin as he led the way to the back door . Once out back , the boys quickly ran around front to retrieve their ponies and set off again for the ranch . As they got close , they heard gunshots and put their ponies into a gallop , watching the ground carefully in the moonlight to be sure the ponies didn 't stumble . When they rounded a bend , they saw a group of men surrounding Josiah and Nathan . Vin pulled up short and stared , paralyzed by fear . If Nathan and Josiah were captured , who was going to help Buck and Chris ? He couldn 't think what to do . As soon as JD started to cry , Vin sat up on his pony and stiffened his back with resolve . He had to show JD that they shouldn 't be scared . He 'd figure it out . " JD , we can 't go to the ranch . There 's too many of them . We gotta go back and find Mr . Ezra . He 'll know what to do . " " It 's OK , JD . I know the way . Come on . Follow me , but watch the ground so Molly don 't stumble , " said the older boy trying to sound braver than he was feeling . They headed slowly back to town and sat down outside the saloon to wait for Ezra . Inez caught her breath and tried again , " Josiah and Nathan went to the ranch to help Buck and Chris , and Vin and JD have run away . What am I to do ? They told me to watch the boys . " That made a little more sense , but still not enough . Ezra tried again to move Inez through the story slowly , and finally got the major portions sorted out . " Vin and JD were to remain here and now they disappeared ? " It didn 't take long . When he stepped out in front of the saloon and scanned up and down the street in both directions , his eye was caught by the shadows of strange lumps leaning against the wall outside the saloon . He stepped over for closer inspection . " JD ? Vin ? What are you boys doing here ? " The boys stirred and stared sleepily up at the gambler . As Vin slowly came awake , panic set in again and he leapt up and started to tell Ezra what had happened . The gambler let him go on a bit , fitting the pieces of the story he 'd gotten from Inez with Vin 's version , as he led them both into the light of the saloon . " Master Tanner , Master Dunne , do come in and sit down . I believe we shall have to formulate a plan . " JD just looked at Vin puzzled . Inez finished closing the saloon while Ezra settled the boys at a table with a glass of milk each . " Now , let 's go over this again very carefully , very slowly so I have the full details describing the circumstances , " said the gambler calmly as he got the boys to tell him exactly what had happened . Lines of concern flitted briefly across his usualy smooth brow ; if four of his friends were incarcerated at the Larabee ranch , it did not bode well for them and he needed to find a way to liberate them . On the other hand , he was but one man . ' The odds , ah , the odds ' , he moaned to himself . That would something he would have to ignore . Ezra thought awhile . Aside from the overwhelmingly unpropitious odds , he had a few problems . Josiah and Nathan had been ambushed and captured before they got to the ranch . Vin knew precisely where this had occurred , but his description of the location meant nothing to the gambler , who had paid little attention to landmarks as he had traveled back and forth to the Larabee ranch . He had no idea where the place was . He needed Vin to show him . On a negative note , if he got the boys involved in a rescue attempt , well , he hated to think what Buck and Chris would do to him later for putting the boys at risk ! Of course , if they didn 't rescue his four compatriots , there might never be a later ! Ezra didn 't like facing these choices . He was used to Chris or Josiah , or even Buck , making these kinds of decisions . " Well , it would appear that we have no choice but to go out there and rescue our friends . Now you boys get some more sleep . We 'll leave very early in the morning , before first light . " Inez looked at him dubiously . She knew Buck and Chris were not going to like this plan . Ezra looked back with a slight , helpless shrug . He had no choice . Dawn found the three of them hiding in shrubs near the back of the ranch house . There had been no signs of activity yet . Ezra had no idea how many there were or what condition his friends were in . However , it was clear to him that he alone could not do much against a group of armed men . He needed to get weapons to his friends . As he was considering the situation , he mumbled under his breath , " I wish there were a way into the house without using the front door . " " Through the woodshed . It connects to a woodbin next to the fireplace . Chris said it 's so you can have firewood in the winter without having to go outside . " " Cause you 're too big . The bin is small . I could fit in it , but you can 't . " At this JD nodded ; he remembered the bin after Vin reminded him of it . Ezra was way too big to fit into the wood bin . Ezra paused at this . If he thought Chris and Buck would be mad at him for bringing the boys with him , imagine how they would react if he let Vin enter the house through the wood bin . Again , there didn 't seem to be many choices . " All right . You maneuver in quietly and see if you can see into the room . Don 't go inside ! Come back to report on what you see . Now , I 'll let you know when to cross to the shed . Quietly , my good man . It is essential to not disturb the sleeping miscreants . " JD and Vin both looked at Ezra puzzled , having no clue what a miscreant was , but it didn 't sound good . Vin agreed that he did not want to wake them . Vin set off when Ezra gave him the signal . He paused only briefly at the door . He 'd never been in the woodshed . It was small and dark and the kind of place he avoided . But Chris and Buck depended on him . He took a deep breath , opened the door , and stepped in . Immediately , the place started to close in on him , he couldn 't breathe , Mr . Baker was in the room with him and he was going to get hurt again . ' No , Chris and Buck need me . I have to move , ' he told himself . Despite the fact that he was trembling , his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest , and could hardly draw a breath , he forced his feet to move him to the wood bin . He could see light around the small door located at the far side of the bin . Slowly , carefully , he pulled a few logs out of the bin and slid himself in until he could touch the door . He reached a small sliver of wood through the slit and gently lifted the latch , holding the edge of the door so it didn 't swing . He peered in . Chris , Buck , Josiah , and Nathan were all sitting on the floor leaning against the wall not too far in front of where Vin was . They all appeared to have their hands tied behind their backs . Chris had a white bandage around his head ; Buck had one around his leg . Vin couldn 't see the others well because they were farther from where he was . The bad men were sprawled asleep mostly toward the other end of the house . Everyone seemed to be asleep . He tried to count how many there were by using his fingers . Two hands worth of men , ten . While he was peering in , he saw a slight movement from Chris . The gunslinger stirred and shifted and as he did so , he eyes were drawn to the door of the wood bin . His eyebrows shot up for a moment when he realized someone was in there . Then , he nodded carefully and let his head slump forward again as if asleep . He saw the door pull closed again out of the corner of his eye . He knew no man could fit in there . It had to be Vin or JD ; something told him it was Vin . But he wondered , it was close and dark in there . How could the boy stand it ? Vin backed out . Tried to control his breathing again and bolted from the shed to get back to Ezra . His breathing and trembling only slowed down when he was with Ezra and JD again . Chris gently nudged Buck , hoping fervently that his partner would wake up without his usual show and noise . " Buck , " he whispered when he was sure his friend was awake and not going to reacted violently . " I think Vin and JD are here . " He watched as a gamut of emotions crossed Buck 's face . Recognition that help might be at hand , fear for the sake of the boys , anger at being so helpless . " What you want to do ? " asked Buck . When Vin returned , Ezra got him to describe the situation . He was pleased that Vin had figured out a way to give him a count on the number of men holding his friends . Vin drew a picture in the dirt to show the layout and where Chris and the others were . Ezra was relieved to hear that their friends appeared to not be too badly injured and were placed in a way that he might be able to get help to them . " Good . All right . Here 's the plan . I am going to send you back in with a couple of guns and a knife . You 've got to get behind Chris and cut his hands free and give him one of the guns . Do the same for Buck . If you can get farther to Nathan and Josiah , do so . Give the knife to Nathan . He 'll know how to use it . " " I do not believe you need to worry about Mr . Sanchez . His has demonstrated on numerous occasions that his hands are powerful weapons , " Ezra assured the boys . " Now , I am also going to send you with a note for Chris - - to tell him that I 'll have JD ride by the barn to cause a distraction . " At this he turned and sternly said to JD . " Master Dunne , you will ride up to the barn . Leave your horse and hide out up in the loft . You are under no circumstances to come near the house . " JD nodded , completely intimidated , but glad to be part of the plan . All the time , Ezra was thinking that his life would not go on much after the time Buck got his hands on him . And if Buck didn 't kill him , Chris surely would . There would be no acceptable excuse for exposing Vin and JD to danger as he was . He sighed . He had come to like these friends ; he 'd miss them . " All right , let us move with haste before everyone starts to wake . " Ezra helped Vin secure the guns and knife so he wouldn 't hurt himself or drop them . Then he and JD move off to get in position for JD to make his run for the barn . Vin headed off again for the woodshed . He really didn 't want to go back in there . But he had to - - Chris needed him . Again he had to fight off the anxiety attack while he eased himself through the shed and into the small bin . He pushed the door open just enough to see . The men all looked asleep . He quietly dropped into the room and , staying low , crept over to Chris . The gunslinger had been watching as soon as he saw the door move again . He nudged Buck , and as the two watched Vin enter the room , they eased slightly away from the wall to let the boy slide in behind them . Vin 's heart was racing but he appeared to move with calm assurance . He knew what had to be done and he 'd seen a reassuring nod from Chris . He pulled out the knife and carefully cut Chris ' ropes . If one looked at Chris from across the room , there would have been no sign that Vin was behind him ; Buck and Chris covered him so effectively . When Vin finished with Chris ' ropes , the gunslinger felt the reassuring pressure of a gun being put into his hand . He stayed still as Vin moved on to Buck and freed his hands . By this time , Nathan and Josiah were also awake and they felt their bonds released . Nathan felt the boy put the knife into his hand . Then Vin eased quietly back and slipped the note into Chris ' hand . Chris feeling the paper , gently slid his arm forward to his side so that he could look down and read the note . He let Buck know and waited while he passed along the message that there would be a distraction . Shortly , they heard a clattering of horse 's hooves and a couple of shots . Then men in the room came to life pulling up pants , suspenders , and grabbing guns , but too slowly . Chris and Buck were up and had their guns out firing , taking down almost half in almost no time . Chris yelled at Vin , " Get out of here ! Find JD ! " Vin ran out the door and headed for the barn . Nathan nailed one with his knife and Josiah made short work of a couple by cracking their heads together . Ezra took out a few that ventured onto the front porch to see what the noise was down by the barn . They practically had the situation under control when Chris saw that the Colonel and Sheffield had made it out and were disappearing into the barn . He signaled Buck and grabbed Ezra on the way out and the three ran to the barn . As they cautiously entered , they heard a booming voice , " Mr . Larabee , if you do not put your weapons down , I am afraid I will have to end the young life of this boy . " They looked up to loft to see the Colonel holding JD with a gun pointed at his head . Terror stopped them . They put their hands out and slowly laid their weapons down . The Colonel relaxed his arm to let his gun train on the enemy below , but he kept a grip on JD . Suddenly , a small voice yelled , " You let him go ! " Vin came charging from the side of the loft and hit the Colonel low and hard at the back of knees with all his weight . The huge man 's knees buckled and he toppled forward , letting go of JD who stepped out of reach quickly , but Vin was struggling to get to his feet and was caught by one of the Colonel 's flailing hands as he desperately tried to prevent himself from going over the edge . The peacekeepers watched in horror as the pair tottered together for a moment and then plummeted , hitting the ground with a sickening thud . Chris ' eyes were glued on Vin , but Buck saw Sheffield move from the shadows to grab JD , and he pulled his gun and shot the man in the chest . Buck raced to the loft bellowing , " JD ! " He flew up the ladder and swooped the terrified boy into his arms , stepping back from the edge and turning so JD couldn 't see his cousin crumpled on the floor below . Meanwhile , Chris and Ezra dropped down next to the pair on the ground , dreading what they would find . The boy was entangled in the Colonel 's arms . The Colonel himself would bother them no more ; his neck was at an impossible angle . Chris and Ezra had to move the dead man to pull the limp boy out from under . Chris gently pulled the still body to him and cradled him in his lap . " Ezra , get Nathan , please . " " Let me look at him , Chris , " said the healer as he gently tried to examine the boy " He 's alive . Doesn 't seem like he did serious damage . No ribs broken , no bruising that might say he hurt something inside . Maybe the Colonel broke his fall . He 's bumped his head pretty good . And he 's got a broken arm . Not too bad , though . Let 's get him to bed and then we just have to watch him . " Chris tenderly carried the boy to the house put him on the bed , pulling the covers over him as he smoothed the hair off his face . He pulled a chair over and sat while Nathan splinted the broken arm and checked again that there didn 't seem to be any other damage . Buck headed for the house carrying JD , his big arms enveloping the small boy . " JD ! Are you all right ? You 're not hurt are ya ? " he asked as he hugged the boy . God , he had been frightened ! At that thought , he turned to the gambler , who was walking beside him . ' Oh Lord ! ' thought Ezra . ' Here it comes . ' And it did . Buck pulled back one arm and slugged Ezra in the chin , putting the gambler on his seat in the dirt . " Buck ! " shrieked JD . " Don 't hurt him ! He saved you ! " The boy grabbed Buck 's arm and hung on it like a terrier . " Buck , please don 't hurt him , " he begged and started to cry . Buck couldn 't take it . He turned from Ezra and started soothing the boy . " It 's OK , JD . I won 't hurt him if you don 't want me to . Hey , it 's OK . Let 's go in and see the others . " Ezra was left sitting in the dirt , rubbing a sore jaw . But he was alive - - saved from being dismembered by a small boy . He would have to remember that he owed Master Dunne a favor . And now for Mr . Larabee . " Chris , Nathan , you stay here . We can take care of things in town . We 'll get these fellows locked up and let the Judge know what happened , " he let his eyes fall on Vin and a worried expression crossed his face . Then he spied the other small boy sitting miserably in a chair nearby . He walked over to JD , picked up him , and sat down with the boy on his knee . " JD , you worried about Vin , huh ? " The boy nodded , trying to disguise a sniff as his chin quivered a little . " Don 't you worry . Nathan says Vin will be fine . He just needs to rest a bit ' cause of that fall he took . " Buck gave JD a big hug . " You boys were real brave and you saved us . Don 't know what we woulda done if you hadn 't come . " JD started to look a little brighter , feeling proud that Buck was complimenting him . " I have to go into town for a few hours to take care of these bad men . Maybe you could do another favor for me while I 'm away . " JD nodded vigorously . Having something important to do would be much better than sitting and helplessly watching Chris and Vin . " Your horses have been working pretty hard since yesterday . I bet they 're real tired and hungry . You think maybe you could take care of Molly and Sam ? Give them some food and water , get them all cleaned up , and put them in their stalls ? Vin 's not going to be able to take care of Sam today , and I bet he 'd be real grateful if you could do it for him , " said Buck . JD beamed . " Sure thing , Buck . I can take good care of both of them . Buck , you should have seen us ! We ran like the wind ! Molly is real fast ! Those bad men couldn 't catch us ! " the boy 's excited voice started to rise an octave and Buck smiled at the resilience in such a little boy . He took him outside with him and looked around . " I know . Don 't worry , Buck . He 's just out back . I 'll get him . I 'll take real good care of them , " said the boy as he happily went off to find his cousin 's pony . He had a job to do . They needed his help , and taking care of the horses was something he loved . It was late afternoon when Buck and Josiah rode back through the gate to the ranch . Ezra had uncharacteristically offered to stay and guard the men in the jail . They spied a small figure tearing toward them and Buck smiled . God , it was good to have the boys around . They 'd really scared him , but they 'd done a good job in helping out . And they hadn 't seemed to be frightened . They just did what they needed to . He swung off his horse and greeted the boy with a bear hug . " Hey , JD . How 're ya doing ? How 's Vin ? " A shadow crossed JD 's face . " He won 't open his eyes and he doesn 't say anything and Chris is just sitting there looking real angry . I 'm scared , Buck . Is he going to be OK ? " asked the boy in a voice that indicated he was ready to break into tears . " Now don 't you worry none . He 's just gone and bumped his head . He 'll be good as new soon . Why , I bet he 'll be waking up in jest a little while now , " said Buck as he tousled the boy 's hair . As if Buck had known , when they returned to the house after putting up Buck 's horse for the evening , Vin was just starting to stir . " See now , ain 't Buck always right ? " JD nodded , delighted to see his cousin showing signs of life again . Boy , was Buck smart ! Chris moved closer to the bed at the first sign that Vin was coming to . He called over , " Nathan , I think he 's waking up . " The healer was immediately by his side . Josiah hovered forward in concern but took care not you impede the healer 's move toward the boy . Vin moved around , groaned , and slowly his eyelids fluttered open . His large blue eyes settled on Chris and he smiled . " Hey , cowboy , " said the man he thought of as a father . " Just lie still now . I bet you got a headache . " The boy nodded slightly , then pinched his face at the pain . Nathan leaned close , " Careful , Vin . You bumped your head pretty good and you broke your arm . You want to move real slow now . You just hold on and I 'll get you something to drink and a little something for the pain . " The boy smiled and resisted nodding . He slowly lifted his broken arm to get a look at it ; it was all splinted and wrapped up , but it didn 't really hurt much . He squeezed Chris ' hand with his good hand , sighed and closed his eyes . He was almost asleep by the time Nathan got back , but they managed to get a little water into him before he drifted off . " Chris , his eyes are clear and pupils are normal . He 'll be just fine . He 'll probably sleep hard tonight and you won 't be able to hold him down tomorrow . Now I know you . You 're getting ready to tell him off for getting himself hurt . Don 't . He was only helping you and everything has turned out OK . " " OK ? I just turned a whole lot of my hair gray in one day , " said the gunslinger indignantly . " He needs to know he can 't be pulling stunts like that . " The healer nodded . " Stunts like what ? Saving our lives and probably the Judge 's . He cares about us . You know he couldn 't sit around and let us get hurt . Damn , he 's a lot like you ! You can 't get mad at him for that . He only did what he had to and he was real brave about it . He don 't deserve to have you chew him out . " Nathan could see that Chris was overwhelmed with relief and with a deep sense of well being - - his boy was going to be fine . The healer was not overly concerned that Vin was going to hear even one negative word from the man around whom his world revolved . Chris nodded , Nathan was right , but he needed to vent . Vin had scared him near to death . He never thought he 'd care about anyone like that again , but it had happened and the thought of losing the boy had about torn him up inside . Vin shouldn 't have been put at risk like that , but Nathan was right ; he shouldn 't lay into Vin . The boy had done it all for them , even crawled into the small , dark woodshed ; Chris could only imagine the demons he 'd faced to be able to do that . No , Vin didn 't deserve to get chewed out by Chris after what he 'd been through . Unfortunately for Ezra , Chris ' thoughts at that moment began to wheel in a different direction . The gambler had brought the boys into the rescue . The gambler had put them at risk ; the conman was the one responsible for Chris ' anxiety . Chris leaned back and smiled , happy that Vin would be OK . As for Ezra … the gunslinger let the corner of his mouth tilt up ever so slightly . Ezra would hear from him - tomorrow . |
" Wow you can really dance ! " Patrick complimented Velma when the song ended and they stopped dancing . Velma blushed slightly . She kicked the ground with her shoe . " Thanks , " she said in a low tone . " Would you like to sit down ? " Patrick asked referring to the table where the rest of the gang was already sitting down at . " Sure , " Velma answered following him back to the table . Velma seemed almost a little embarrassed by her friends ' actions but she didn 't show it . Daphne could tell an awkward silence was building up again so she tried to get a conversation started . " So , Patrick where do you live ? " Daphne asked . " Yes , " Velma spoke wanting to know herself . " Not too far from the museum , only 3 blocks . I live in a house , it 's not huge but I 've got enough room , " Patrick answered . " Sounds nice , " Velma replied . " It is , " Patrick said . A slow song started to play and Velma started to get a little nervous . She really wished Patrick would ask her to dance but at the same time she almost dreaded it . She knew if he did all eyes would be on the two of them . But just then Patrick did ask her to dance . " Uh . . uh . . sure , " Velma said . All thoughts of declining his offer went out the window when he stood up and outstretched his arm . Instinctively she put her hand in his and stood up . He led her out to dance floor where dozens of other couples were already gathered . Velma felt like a teenage girl going to her first dance and from the look of Patrick he was feeling the same way . He cautiously placed his hands on her hips and she slowly put her arms up onto his shoulders . Velma could feel the eyes of the gang watching the two but she tried not to think about that and just enjoy the moment . She looked into Patrick 's eyes and he smiled a shy smile . She smiled back as they twirled around the floor . " I really had a great time tonight . I 'm glad I got to go out with the real you , " Patrick said . " That wasn 't me . Actually I don 't think it could be anyone . I can 't see how anyone could function in an outfit like that , " Velma replied referring to the red outfit Daphne had insisted she wear . Patrick smiled . The song ended and the two just sort of stood there for a second before returning back to their seats . " Ready to go gang ? " Fred asked a few minutes later . It had been a long day and they all needed some sleep . Everyone stood up and headed out to the Mystery Machine parked on the side of the club . " After you , " Patrick said letting Velma climb in first . Shaggy and Scooby climbed into the back as well . Shaggy sat on the bench next to Velma and Patrick pushing the two uncomfortably close . Velma could feel her face turning as red as her skirt as she looked at Shaggy with a very weird expression on her face . " You ok Velms ? " Shaggy asked when he noticed her staring at him . " I 'm fine . Why do I look like I 'm not ok ? " she asked him . " No . It 's just . Oh never mind , " Shaggy answered . They pulled up to Patrick 's house within 10 minutes . Velma and everyone else looked out at it . A gate enclosed the front yard and a screen porch hid the front door . " Velma , will you walk with me ? " Patrick asked . Velma looked up at Daphne . As if to ask what should she do ? " Go , " mouthed Daphne making sure no one saw her say this . Velma followed Patrick out of the Mystery Machine and through the front gate . Fred was nearly in Daphne 's lap trying to get a good view . " Fred ! Give them some privacy " , Daphne scolded him . She turned around and found Shaggy and Scooby directly in her face . " You too " , she added . Scooby whimpered and went to the back of the Mystery Machine , Shaggy followed him , and Fred returned to his seat . " Thank you , " Daphne replied . Patrick opened up the porch door and walked through . Velma followed . She looked around at the screened in porch . A bench sat on the opposite wall and a few shelves on the wall contained some books and a few other nick knacks . Just before he unlocked the front door he turned back to face Velma . He looked at her nervously not sure what to do . He started to lean in , slowly . He got closer and closer and Velma 's heart started pounding so loudly she was afraid he would hear it . His heart pounded just as hard as he finally leaned in faster and placed a kiss on her lips . He immediately pulled away unsure of her reaction . Should he have asked her if would be ok to kiss her ? Velma 's eyes were closed the moment his lips met hers and she opened them again . An awkward silenced followed it . They just stared into each other 's eyes until Patrick spoke . " I . . I wanted to do that all night , " Patrick confessed . " Maybe I should have asked you first … " he added . " No . I liked it . I figured that was the reason you wanted me to walk you in . I kind of figured you 'd be able to find your way in and that there was another reason , " Velma told him . " And I wanted to ask you something else , " Patrick said . " Sure anything , " Velma replied . " It 's a shame the exhibit got destroyed but we did get the costumes back in our possession and I was thinking , hoping , you 'd want to work with me and get the exhibit back open , " Patrick told her . " It was a horrible thing . And I 'd love to reopen it . But it took 2 years to complete it the first time , " Velma reminded him . " I 'm going to hire some people to come help . We 'll have it up and running within a month . Well that 's the way I 've planned it , " Patrick told her . " Sounds like a plan , " Velma said with a grin . Patrick loved her smiles . She always smiled with her whole heart , from ear to ear . " I 'll see you tomorrow then ? " Patrick asked . " Sure will , " Velma answered . " Around 10 a . m . ? " Patrick suggested . " I 'll be there , " Velma said . " Goodbye Patrick . " " Bye Velma . " Velma walked to the screen porch door and opened it . She gave one more glance over her shoulder before she walked down the steps and through the gate . She closed it behind her . Shaggy opened up the van door and she climbed in . Shaggy closed it after her and Fred took off towards the headquarters . Velma sat down and let out a sigh . Tonight had been incredible and now she had the chance to work alongside Patrick . When they reached headquarters , they all headed inside . Fred and Shaggy headed to their rooms . Velma was about to head into hers when Daphne pulled her aside . " So . . what happened ? " she asked . Then she stopped herself . " Oh Velma , force of habit I 'm sorry . If you want to keep it to yourself its ok , " Daphne apologized . " No , it 's ok . I 've actually been dying to tell someone , " Velma said . She walked to the couch and sat down , Daphne sat down next to her . " Well we walked into the screened in porch and he was about to open the door but then he turned around to look at me . And I kind of knew it was coming but nothing could have prepared me for it . He kissed me ! It was so short but gosh I 'll never forget it . He said he 'd wanted to do that all night . Poor guy was so nervous ; I just hope he didn 't hear my heart beating , " Velma told her friend . Daphne smiled . " Velms got herself a boyfriend ! " " Well not yet . I mean it 's not really official or anything , " Velma told her . " He also asked me to work with him in restoring the monster exhibit . He hopes to have it open again in a month , " Velma added . " That will give you two a chance to really get to know one another , " Daphne told her . Velma nodded . " I really like him Daphne . I just hope I don 't screw it up somehow , " Velma said . " How would you screw it up ? " Daphne asked . " Well I just don 't have a lot of experience in this department ; unlike you . You had the boys practically falling over you from the sand box , " Velma answered . " You 'll be fine . Don 't worry about it . And remember just be yourself . That 's who he likes . And I 'm sure you two will have plenty of scientific things to talk about , " Daphne told her . " I 'm sure you 're right . I 'd better get to bed though . I have to be at the museum at 10 , " Velma said . " Night Velma , " Daphne said as she watched her friend head to her room . Daphne headed to her room too . The next morning Velma was one of the first people awake . She put on her robe and walked into the kitchen to pour herself some cereal . Shaggy and Scooby were already seated at the table inhaling their breakfast . " Morning Velma , " Shaggy spoke when she sat down with her bowl , in the seat next to him . " Rorning Relma ! " Scooby replied . " Morning guys , did you leave anything for Fred and Daphne ? " Velma asked jokingly . Shaggy 's eyes grew big . " Uh sure we did , right Scoob ? " he asked his pal . " Ruh uh " Scooby agreed . Velma shook her head . She finished her cereal and was putting the bowl in the dishwasher when she saw Fred and Daphne walking into the kitchen . " Hope you two aren 't hungry , " Velma said . She walked back towards her room , going into the door next to it to take a shower . " What did she mean by that ? " Fred asked . Daphne pointed to the table . It was full of plates stacked upon plates . Shaggy quickly piled them all up and stuffed them in the dishwasher . " See you later , " he called as he and Scooby rushed out . Daphne opened up a cabinet . " There 's some cereal left , " she said handing Fred a box . He took out a few bowls from the cabinet and the milk from the fridge . A half an hour later Velma came out the back , her hair neatly combed , and she her normal sweater and skirt . " Ready to go Velma ? " Fred asked her . " I sure am . And you know you don 't have to wait for me or anything , " Velma told him . " Velma , you don 't have to worry . I 'm not your father , " he replied . " Oh don 't even mention my dad . I was never on any real dates ; one of the reasons was him . He wanted to meet my dates and insisted on knowing everything . I found it easier just to not go out on any , " Velma said . Velma followed Fred out to the Mystery Machine and climbed into the passenger seat . Silence filled the entire ride to the museum . But Velma did thank him for the ride when she climbed out . She walked up the steps to the museum . She was surprised to see Patrick waiting at the front desk . " Morning , " he said . " Good morning , " Velma replied with a smile . " Are the workers here yet ? " Velma asked . " No . They should be here around 10 : 30 , " he answered . " I just figured we 'd be able to do some of it alone before they got here , " Patrick added . He led the way to the room where the exhibit had once been . " Wow this room seems so bare , " Velma said looking around . Except for dozens of boxes in the center of the room the room was empty . " The glass cases arrived , " Patrick said pointing to a dozen tall boxes located in the middle . Velma walked up to one of the smaller boxes and took the tape off of it . She opened it up . She couldn 't see anything except packing peanuts . " May I ? " she asked . Patrick nodded . She pulled out the packing peanuts and lifted the costume of the Black Knight Ghost out . Holding it reminded her of the battle they had recently fought . She placed it back down . " How did you figure on setting up the exhibit ? " she asked . " Well I was hoping to put it back the same way it was unless you had something else in mind , " Patrick answered . Velma walked to the other side of the room , next to one of the windows . " I was thinking of changing them around . Placing them in different places than they were in the beginning , " Velma suggested . But then quickly added , " But it is your museum . " " No , I like that idea . Gives people a different view , " Patrick said as he walked around the room . Velma could tell he was already planning out which exhibits to put where . Velma was happy he liked her idea . She started unpacking some more of the costumes and was still in the process of doing so when the workers arrived . They started to unload the glass cases and Patrick told them where to place them . Velma was squatting down next to a few boxes putting together the costumes of the Skeleton Men when she noticed Patrick right next to her . She jumped a little having not realized he was there . " I 'm sorry did I frighten you ? " Patrick asked standing up . " Oh no . I didn 't know you were there . Want to help me with these ? " she asked him . " Yeah , " Patrick answered . He picked up one of the completed skeleton men and walked over to the display case they were going to be put in . Velma finished the second one and followed Patrick . " I like it better this way , " Velma said . " I do too , " Patrick agreed . By 6 o ' clock that evening they had completely finished two exhibits . It seemed like they had been working all day and had barely done anything . But the condition the costumes came back in weren 't in the best condition . So they had actually done a lot . " I 'll see you tomorrow , " Velma said as she walked out of the building . She wondered if he 'd kiss her again . She saw the Mystery Machine pulling up . " I had fun today , " he replied . He walked her down to the van and placed a peck on her cheek . She started blushing immediately because everyone had seen it . Velma climbed in and gave one last glance to Patrick before she shut the door and Fred drove off . She couldn 't believe how much fun she had had that day . And that was just the first day . She and Patrick had so much to talk about . She could talk about things the rest of the gang would be clueless about . She had no idea what was coming over her . She had never felt this way about anyone before . It was more than just a crush . When they arrived back at home , Velma headed to the kitchen . She didn 't feel tired , though it was still early . Shaggy went out for a walk with Scooby , Daphne sat on the couch reading her new romance novel , and Fred was changing the oil on the Mystery Machine . Velma helped herself to some leftover chicken and fries , from the night before , and warmed it up in the microwave . She sat down at the table and leafed through a science magazine on the table . She hoped the remainder of the month went as well as that day had gone . She hoped it would get better with each passing day . Maybe she could even go to a science fair with him . The gang didn 't find too much interest in it and she found herself going alone a lot of the time . Shaggy tried to be a good friend and go with her but he got kicked out for eating the experiments . She finished her food and then headed to her room . She wasn 't sleepy but she could use this time to think . She took out her sketch pad and a pencil and worked on some more sketch exhibits to show Patrick in the morning . She had a lot of ideas floating through her head and she needed to put them down on paper . Velma woke up the next morning with the sun in her eyes . It poured in through her window and filled the room with light and warmth . She got out of bed and went to sit at her armoire . She opened up a couple of drawers and pulled out a skirt and a sweater , and some socks . Her brush lay on the nightstand next to her bed . She got dressed and sat on the edge of the bed , reaching for her brush . She brushed her hair and put on her socks . Her shoes sat next to her bed on the floor as they usually did . She got up and went to take a look at herself in the mirror . What did Patrick see in her ? She was so plain and predictable . Maybe he saw more potential in her then she herself did . She finished getting ready before heading out to the living room area . The rest of the gang , minus Scooby , was already sitting on the couch . Velma heard a noise coming from the kitchen and saw Scooby 's head pop up behind the open fridge . " Morning Velma , " Shaggy said seeing her walking into the room . Fred and Daphne followed in unison . " Morning gang , " Velma replied back . " Can I ask you all a question ? " she asked . " Sure , " Fred answered . " Am I too predictable ? " Velma asked . The gang exchanged glances . " Why do you ask ? " Daphne asked . " Are you worried about Patrick again ? " Velma nodded her head . " Come on . Its time for a girl talk , " Daphne said leading her friend outside . Once they were outside Daphne turned to Velma . " What 's going on ? " she asked . " I took a look at myself in the mirror today . And I mean a really good one . And I realized I 'm so predictable . I have everything so neat and orderly . I even put my shoes in the same place every night . " " Is that such a bad thing ? " Daphne asked . " I don 't know . It 's just I like the way I am . I 've never had any reason to change but now that Patrick 's come along I wonder what he sees in me that 's so wonderful . When I look in the mirror all I see is plain old me , " Velma answered . " Patrick likes you for you . He doesn 't want you to change or be someone you 're not . You 're our Velma and we love you the way you are . Patrick 's a special guy and he isn 't the type you need to impress . Just be yourself and everything will be fine . Trust me , " Daphne told her . " Thanks Daph , " Velma said giving her friend a hug . " You 'd better get going , " Daphne told her . Velma lifted Daphne 's arm and looked at her watch . " Oh my gosh ! I have to be there in 10 minutes ! " Velma gasped . She ran back into the building , and Shaggy drove her over to the museum . " Can you be back here at 6 ? " she asked when they arrived at the museum . " Sure thing , " Shaggy said before driving off . Velma rushed into the building and walked into the exhibit room . " Ahh there you are , " Patrick said spotting her . " Which exhibits are we working on today ? " he asked her . " Well … I … I drew up some drawings last night when I got home . I was thinking along the lines of this for the Black Knight Ghost , " Velma said opening up her notepad and showing Patrick the picture . She flipped to another page . " And this one for the 10 , 000 Volt Ghost . " Patrick studied the pictures for a few minutes . " I like them . I like them a lot . I didn 't think to do them like this . Good work , " he told her . Velma smiled ; her work was appreciated as usual . " I thought to put the Black Knight right here . At the entrance , " Patrick showed her standing in the place where the exhibit case would go . " And then the 10 , 000 Volt Ghost over here by the outlet . I 've rigged it so it lights up even brighter now , " Patrick told her . " I just … " he started to say . " You used the electromagnetic radiation to focus more energy into the current which sends it into the tungsten filament . Then the current is focused into the middle of the bulb where light is given off . And if done correctly will result in a brighter light , " Velma finished for him . Patrick looked at her with fascination . " That 's exactly correct , " he complimented . " It 's nice to have someone here who knows what I 'm talking about , " he told her . " I know exactly what you mean . The gang just doesn 't get it , " Velma agreed . " You know you look really cute when you 're talking in science lingo , " Patrick said walking up closer to her . Velma giggled at the compliment . " Thank you , " she replied . " I don 't even feel like working today , " Velma told him . " So let 's not , " Patrick suggested . " But the exhibit . . we have a deadline , " Velma reminded him . " One day won 't set us back . I want us to spend the day together going around town and I have a surprise planned for tonight , " Patrick said . " But Shaggy will be here at 6 to pick me up , " Velma told him . " No he won 't . The gang knows about my plan . I told them I 'd have you home at a decent hour tonight , " Patrick spoke . " This is very spontaneous , " Velma replied . " That 's the fun of it , " Patrick told her . " Come on . My car 's out back . " Velma followed Patrick out the back door and into the parking garage . Patrick 's car was a white Mitsubishi Eclipse . Patrick pressed a button on his key chain and the doors unlocked . Velma climbed into the passenger side as Patrick got behind the wheel . He backed the car out of the parking space . As he did Velma noticed the plaque that read Patrick Wisely Museum Curator . " So where are we off too ? Or is that a secret too ? " Velma asked . " No . Right now I don 't really have a destination in mind . Thought we 'd see where we ended up , " Patrick answered . They exited the garage and headed down the road , not sure where it would take them . Velma liked this side of Patrick . That he " But see that 's why I like you . All the other girls I 've known were always trying to impress me . Trying to show me how much possessions they owned . How expensive their cars were , what neighborhood they were from . But you , you don 't do any of that . You 're just Velma , there 's no secrets , and I couldn 't ask for anything more , " Patrick replied . " You don 't know what it means for me to hear you say that . I spent the whole morning sulking in my room thinking I wasn 't good enough for you . That I . . I was just too ordinary for you , " Velma spoke . She felt slightly embarrassed after hearing herself speak those words . She didn 't want him to feel sorry for her . " I was worried I wasn 't good enough for you , " Patrick replied . " I thought , why would she be interested in me , I 'm just some museum curator . And her life is filled with adventure and intrigue , " he added . " But you have a brilliant mind . It 's something we have in common and we 'll never run of things to say . Unless it gets awkward again , " Velma said . " Well we just have to make sure it doesn 't , " Patrick said placing his hand on hers , which rested on the table . The waitress came by then to take their order . " How 's your grilled cheese ? " Patrick asked . " I don 't like to brag but it could win a blue ribbon , " the waitress told him . " Sounds good , I 'll have that , " Patrick said . " And for you ? " the waitress asked Velma . " I 'll have the same . And a chocolate milkshake please , " she answered . " Make that two chocolate milkshakes , " Patrick said . " I 'll be back with your order shortly , " the waitress said walking away . " Do you think we 'll be done with the exhibit in time ? " Velma asked . " We 're getting allot done and if we keep it up we might even be able to reopen it sooner , " Patrick answered . " I 've even started publicity . I 've ordered some posters and banners and told the newspaper so I 'm sure we 'll have plenty of coverage , " he added . " I 've also planned a benefit party for that evening . Proceeds will go to renovating some more parts of the museum . " " Here ya go , " the waitress said as she placed their food and shakes in front of them . " Enjoy , " she muttered before going to tend to other customers . Velma was so hungry she wanted to dig right in but remembering her manners she slowly took a bite . She opened up her straw and stuck it in her milkshake . She took a sip but the shake was so thick she had to purse her lips to be able to get any out . Patrick looked at her and Velma looked at him and she burst out into laughter . How silly she must look ! " I might have to wait for that to melt a little , " she spoke . She poured some ketchup on her plate and dipped a french fry in it . By the time she was finished with her food and her shake , which after a few minutes had melted slightly , it was almost 1 o ' clock . " Velma , do you want to go to a movie ? " Patrick asked her as they were paying their check . " Sounds like a plan to me , " Velma answered . She handed him 5 dollars to go along with the bill . Patrick had insisted on paying for it himself but she wouldn 't let him . She agreed to let him pay for the movie though . The Coolsville Theater was a 20 minute drive from where they had stopped and when they arrived they parked in the parking lot before walking into the building . The movies playing that day were posted above on a screen . " How about The Revenge ? A friend of mine told me it 's a good date movie because . . , " he started to say but stopped in mid - sentence . " Because why ? " Velma asked . " Oh he just said his girlfriend really enjoyed it , " Patrick said . " The Revenge it is , " Velma replied . They got in the short line and within 5 min . the line had almost reached outside . " What movie ? " asked the teller . " Two for The Revenge , " Patrick said handing the woman money . The machine popped up two tickets and she handed them to him . " Want to get some popcorn ? " Patrick asked her . " I 'm going to freshen up . Why don 't you get some popcorn and drinks and I 'll be right back , " Velma suggested . " Ok , " Patrick said . Velma headed towards the bathroom while Patrick got into the refreshment line . Once in the bathroom , Velma walked up to one of the sinks and looked into the mirrors above it . She smoothed her hair down and straightened her outfit . " Velma ? " questioned a voice . Velma spun around and was face to face with Patricia Darcy . Patricia and Velma went way back . They had gone to high school together and though the girls occasionally talked , they hadn 't really become friends . " Hi Patricia , " Velma said . " Who are you here with ? Not alone I hope . But that would be kind of pathetic , " Patricia asked . Velma scowled at her . Same old Patricia , she never changed . " No , I 'm no a date , " Velma said matter - of - factly . " With who ? Anyone I would know ? " Patricia asked . " Patrick Wisely , the Coolsonian Museum Curator , " Velma answered . " Oh . Well I mustn 't keep my date waiting . We 're going to see Love in the Summer . Nice to see you again Velma . Bye , " Patricia said walking out of the bathroom . " I 'm sure you were really happy to see me , " Velma replied after she was gone . She composed herself and headed out to meet Patrick . She spotted him paying for the refreshments and she went to help him . " I 'll get the drinks , " Velma said . " I got a large popcorn . I hope that 's ok , " he replied . " That 's fine . I 'm not really sure how much I 'll eat , " Velma told him . They gave their tickets to the man who ripped them in half , giving half back to Velma and putting the other half in a box . " Theater 12 is the second theater on your right , " the man told them . They got in just as the previews started . They found 2 seats towards the middle of the theater and sat down . Most of the previews were boring but Velma mentioned to Patrick she saw a few movies she 'd be interested in seeing . Then the lights slowly dimmed until they were off completely and the feature film started . The opening scene was a suspenseful one and Patrick looked around him and saw all the girls clinging to their guys . Suddenly , unexpectedly , someone popped out of the darkness surprising Velma and she dug her nails into Patrick 's shoulder . She hadn 't realized what she did at first . " I 'm sorry , " she told him putting her arm down . " Here is this better ? " he asked putting his arm around her . She nodded her head . " Much better , " she whispered . By the end of the film , Velma 's head was resting on his shoulder . She was wide awake but it was so comfortable and he didn 't seem to mind . The lights came back on as the credits came up . " Did you like it ? " Patrick asked her . " I did . Kept me on the edge of my seat , " Velma answered . They went back to the museum for awhile to kill some time . Around 6 : 30 Patrick and Velma headed to the car . " Now for this ride , I need to blindfold you , " Patrick told her . He took out a black blindfold . He tied it in the back . " Can you see anything ? " he asked her . " No . But if you wanted to blind me you could have just as easily taken off my glasses , " she joked . Velma had no idea where they were headed . Awhile later the road started to get bumpy and rocky . Patrick stopped the car 5 minutes later . He got out of the car and walked around to her side . He helped her out . He reached behind her head and untied the blindfold . " Take a look , " Patrick told her . Velma opened her eyes and took in the view . They were high above , overlooking the city of Coolsville . A few blankets were set on the ground and Patrick went to the trunk and took out his telescope . " This is the surprise . The Leonid Meteor shower is tonight , they said the best time to view them is just after the sunset , " Patrick told her . Velma 's eyes widened . " Oh Patrick ! This is a most wonderful surprise . I nearly forgot the meteor shower was tonight ! " she exclaimed . She walked a little closer to the edge and looked at the city below . From where she stood the city seemed so small . Even the tallest skyscrapers seemed mere children 's toys from up above . Velma walked back and sat down on one of the blankets . " All we have to do now is sit and wait , " Patrick said taking a seat next to her . Velma turned her gaze to the clear night sky . Stars littered the sky and the moon was full that evening . Suddenly she saw something . Four stars shot by . They were only visible for a few seconds and then disappeared into the silent darkness . " And so it begins , " Patrick said . As they lay there waiting for more , the talk of their past came up . " So you 're originally from Coolsville ? " Patrick asked her . " Uh huh . Born and raised . How about you ? " Velma asked him . " I was born in White Hall , Pennsylvania actually . Moved here when I was 10 , " Patr " I 'm sorry but when you start talking about science I can 't help myself , " Patrick told her . " How did you guess my wish ? " she asked him as she leaned in again and started to kiss him back , wrapping her arms around him . The first kiss she 'd had her eyes closed but this one her eyes were wide open . She wanted to stay in the moment forever . And when they pulled away she secretly wished they never did . Patrick placed his arm around her and she rested her head down on his shoulder . " So does this mean you 'll be my girlfriend ? " he asked . Velma lifted her head up and looked into his eyes . " Jinkies , " she whispered . " Yes , " she answered . " Thanks for everything Patrick , " Velma said when he dropped her back at home . " If you want me to pick you up tomorrow I can , " Patrick told her . " I 'd like that . What time ? " she asked . " 10 . " " I 'll be ready . " Velma unlocked the door , walked in , waving to him before she shut the door . She glanced at the clock on the wall as she fumbled around in the dark . She walked towards her room and nearly stepped on Shaggy asleep on the floor . Velma turned on the light next to the table . It was only then that she noticed Fred and Daphne asleep on the couch . " Oh crap , " she said out loud . " What are you guys doing out here ? " Velma asked . " Definitely not waiting for you , " Daphne answered . " You guys were waiting up for me ? " Velma asked . " Well we were , but we also were watching a movie and fell asleep , " Daphne said pointing at the television . It was on but the screen was fuzzy and gray . " I 've got to get some sleep . I 'll tell you about my day in the morning , " Velma said . She turned out the light , stepped over Shaggy and Scooby , who was lying next to his pal , and proceeded to her room . She changed into her nightgown , climbed into bed , and was fast asleep . Chapter 3 Over the next few weeks , Patrick and Velma worked hard at the museum , and their relationship continued to blossom . The afternoon of the reopening was a mix of trying to get a lot of little things done and making sure everything was in order for that night . " I 'm so nervous , " Velma confided in Patrick . " I know everyone is going to love it but I worry . And it 's also when we reveal that we are indeed a couple . I know a lot of people know but not all the reporters do . So that 's going to be another story of the night , " Velma added . " I think they 've figured it out , " Patrick told her . Velma laughed . " You 'd be surprised , " she said . " Look at the time ! I have to go . Fred will be here soon . I need to go pick up my dress and get ready for tonight ! " Velma panicked . Patrick placed his hands on her shoulders as if to relax her . " Take it easy . You 've got plenty of time . Now go on and make yourself look beautiful for me , " Patrick said . " Oh Patrick , " Velma said blushing a teensy bit . Velma gave him a hug goodbye and walked out of the exhibit , into the main lobby , and finally out the door . Fred was already waiting for her and she rushed down the stairs . Velma took one last look at the museum , as the van pulled away . That night it would be bursting with activity . They picked up Daphne and set off for the dress shop . " I don 't have to go in and watch you two try on a million dresses do I ? " Fred asked when he had pulled into the parking lot . " No . We 've had these picked out for a week now . We just have to go in and get them , " Daphne assured him . " Oh Daphne , Velma . I have your dresses right here , " said a woman when they walked through the door . She took two dress bags off a rack and handed one to each of them . " Thanks again Janine , " Daphne said . " Have a good time tonight , " Janine told them . " We will , " Velma replied back . They walked back outside , got into the van , and headed home . " Come on Velma . Won 't you give me just a tiny preview of the exhibit ? " Shaggy asked on their way out the door later that evening . " We 'll be there in 10 minutes . I think you can wait that long , " was Velma 's response . " Come on Scoob , " Shaggy called . Scooby bounded out the door and into the Mystery Machine limo with a box of Scooby Snacks in his mouth . " Hey ! Don 't eat them all ! " Shaggy exclaimed climbing in after him . Velma was the last one in and so she shut the door and then they were on their way . The rest of the gang talked excitedly the whole time , but not Velma . She was too nervous . She could feel the butterflies building up in her stomach already . When the limo came to a stop she took a look outside . The museum was packed with people . As soon as the driver opened the door , camera flashes started going off . Velma was the first one out and the crowd cheered . Patrick was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and walked towards her . He held out his hand and she placed her hand in his and they started to walk hand in hand up the stairs . Reporters and cameras quickly surrounded the two . " Velma are you two going out ? " " Velma is Patrick your boyfriend ? " " Are you two an item ? " The questions came slewing out , and Velma felt a little overwhelmed . Each wanted to know the same thing , but had a different way to reword it . By this time the rest of the gang had exited the limo and Daphne gave a smile to her fans as they mingled with guests . Velma looked at Patrick who gave her an encouraging nod . " Yes , Patrick and I are dating , " she said into the 5 microphones tilted towards her . More pictures . More flashes . More questions . " There you have it folks . Both of Mystery Inc . 's ladies are taken . It 's a sad day for all bachelors , " a reporter said into a video camera . Patrick and Velma made their way to the top the stairs where a podium stood . The rest of Mystery Inc . made their way up to join Velma and Patrick . " Now we 'll proceed with the reopening of the exhibit , " Patrick told the crowd . Everyone started heading inside . A man handed a pair of big scissors to Patrick . Velma put her hand on top of his and together they cut the red ribbon stretching across the entrance to the exhibit . Everyone started passing them , eager to see the exhibit . Velma and Patrick stayed behind for a few minutes , but it wasn 't long before reporters returned asking more questions . " How long did you two work to complete the exhibit ? " a reporter asked . " We worked close to 3 weeks . We had some help too , " Velma said . " Patrick what 's next for the museum ? Any new exhibits you can tell us about ? " asked another reporter . " Nothing at the moment but I am hoping to renovate a few more rooms with the help of my partner here , " Patrick answered indicating Velma . Velma smiled . " I 'd be happy to help . We had a lot of fun working on this exhibit and we hope everyone enjoys it , " Velma replied . The reporters left , then , to go interview some guests . The gang walked up to them . " Like wow it looks better than it did before , " Shaggy said . " Yeah great job , " Fred replied patting Patrick on the back . " We 're glad you like it . I was so afraid people wouldn 't like it , " Velma spoke . " I had to reassure her everything would be fine , " Patrick replied . " Hey a couple of lights are out on the 10 , 000 Volt Ghost , " someone said coming up to the group . " I 'm on it , " Velma said following the person . " So Patrick it is really serious between you and Velma ? " Fred asked in a low voice . " Yeah . The past 3 weeks have been great . We 're going to the science festival next week . It 's wonderful to find someone who likes that kind of stuff , " Patrick answered . " I 'm so happy Velma found someone . Since her last love encounter didn 't work out , " Daphne said . " Ever since then she 's been doubting herself and trying to avoid relationships . That is until you came along , " she added . " I usually drive women away . As soon as I start talking about science or my museum they flee , " Patrick said . " But when I talk to Velma she seems so interested and she listens to everything I say , " he added . " What happened in Spooky Island ? " Patrick asked . Fred indicated to Patrick to look behind him . He looked over his shoulder and noticed Velma walking towards them . " All fixed . Did I miss anything ? " she asked . " Nope . Just getting better acquainted with Patrick , " Daphne answered . " Velma , Patrick can we get your picture over here by the Black Knight Ghost ? " asked a photographer . " Sure , " Velma answered . The rest of the gang left to talk with some other reporters and fans . " If I smile any more I think my face might freeze like this , " Velma said through her teeth . Cameramen continued to take pictures . " Enough pictures for now , " Patrick told them waving them away . " Thanks . You 'd think after awhile they 'd have had enough , " Velma replied . A man came over the speakers and announced the benefit would be starting soon . " Everyone please head to the banquet hall , " he added . Patrick took Velma 's hand and they followed the crowd to the makeshift banquet hall . They sat at a table near the front as everyone else found a seat . The band started to play a song and couples flocked to the floor . Patrick and Velma stood up and made their way to the dance floor . " Tonight 's going wonderful , " Velma said as she looked around the room at all the happy faces . " Yeah , and without you none of this would have been possible , " Patrick told her . " You helped a little , " Velma said jokingly . The auction held that evening raised nearly $ 10 , 000 dollars for the museum . Velma decided to stay , even after the last of the guests and reporters had left . " Go ahead . Patrick will drive me home , " Velma insisted . " Alright , see you later , " Daphne said . She followed Shaggy and Fred out of the room . Velma looked at Scooby , who still stood in the room . " Go on Scooby , " she told him pointing to the door . Scooby whimpered but ran out of the room to catch up to the others . Velma walked around to the tables picking up cups and other garbage . " You don 't have to do that , " Patrick said . " It 's ok . I don 't mind , " Velma replied . Silence filled the next few minutes . Patrick said the first thing that came to mind . " What happened in Spooky Island ? " he asked . Velma 's eyes widened . As soon as the words left his mouth he wished he hadn 't said it . " Who told you ? " she asked . " I 'm sorry I should never have said anything , " Patrick apologized . " It just sort of came up , " he explained . " It 's ok . I don 't really want to talk about it , " Velma told him . " I understand , " Patrick said . Velma sighed . " Alright here goes . When we had a mystery in Spooky Island I met someone . His name was Ethan and he was in a rock band . We hit it off right away or so I thought . We stayed in touch even when we got home . Unfortunately my busy schedule and his hectic tour schedule were in constant conflict . One day he called to tell me it wasn 't working out . That he 'd met someone new . I cried for days after that . It was a few weeks before I even went on another mystery , " Velma told him . " Oh Velma , I 'm so sorry . I shouldn 't have brought it up , " Patrick said . Velma looked at him with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes . " Its just now I 've got you and I 'm happier then I 've been in a long time . " I 'm so afraid I 'll mess up or do something wrong and scare you away , " Velma told him . He took the cup she was holding in her hand and set it down . " I 'm not going anywhere , " he replied giving her a hug . She held onto him and the tears spilled down her cheeks . When they pulled away she quickly wiped her eyes , clearing away the tears . " I know how you feel . I 'm waiting for the day you get bored with me and start distancing yourself just like the others , " Patrick replied . " I 'm not like the others and I could never find you boring . You 're one of the most fascinating men I 've ever met . You understand me better than anyone ever has , " Velma told him . " Tonight was a big success , " Patrick said . The only evidence of the museum 's big night was the tables , chairs , and decorations in the room where they stood . " I hope you don 't think just because the exhibit is complete that you can get rid of me that easily , " Velma said . Patrick turned to face her . " Velma there 's something I 've wanted to tell you for awhile now . I was just waiting for the right moment . " " Velma , I love you , " he blurted out . " Jinkies , " Velma responded . " I love you too . " She leaned in and placed her lips against his wrapping her arms around him as their kiss intensified . She ran her hands through his hair as she traced her jaw line with his hands . When they pulled away Velma sighed with happiness . " Just when I think life can 't get any better , it does , " Velma said . " Uh huh , " Patrick agreed . " I 'll see you tomorrow then . Maybe we can meet for lunch at the Café ? " Patrick suggested when he drove her home . " Yeah , how about noon ? " Velma asked . He gave her a kiss good night , waited until she got in , then continued on his way home . The next morning Daphne Fred , Shaggy , and Scooby were all eating breakfast when Velma walked into the room humming . " I take it someone has a nice evening , " Fred said . " I had a wonderful evening . I 'm meeting Patrick for lunch at the Café , " Velma spoke . " Well you were going to meet him for lunch . We got a call this morning for a mystery . But it 's not too far . The old factories by the dock , " Daphne explained . " Velma walked to the other room and dialed Patrick 's number . He picked up on the second ring . " Velma , hi , " he said excitedly . " I 'm afraid I 'll have to cancel our lunch date . A mystery just came up . But I do want a rain check , " Velma explained . " Sure . Good luck with the mystery . I 'll talk to you when you get back , " Patrick told her . When Velma hung up she went to gather a few things and headed on the road with the others . " I 'm thinking we all split up . That way we can cover more ground quickly , " Fred suggested . " What do you think ? " he asked the rest . " Sounds good , " Daphne agreed . " Like yeah what said . Right Scoob ? " Shaggy responded . " Ruh huh , " Scooby said nodding his head . " What do you think ? " Fred asked Velma . " About what ? " she asked back . " About us all splitting up , " Fred answered . " Oh yeah . . Um . . that 's fine with me , " she told him . She had clearly been lost in her own world and had left her mind to drift . The mystery was not a very difficult one but did take 5 days to unmask the villain . " All of the clues point to Mr . Matthew Johnston , the warehouse owner . He used the disguise in order to scare off investors looking to buy the old factories , " Velma said as Fred and Daphne removed the mask revealing their conclusion true . " I would have gotten away with it too if it weren 't for you meddling kids and that dog of yours , " were Mr . Johnson 's last words before the squad car door was shut . " And there you have it . Mystery Inc . does it again . The Seaweed Serpent will no longer be terrorizing the dock . This is Jim Newman for CL Radio . Tune in half past the hour for another news update , " said a broadcast being played in the diner as the gang walked in . They decided to stop in and celebrate . " I 'll be right back , " Velma told the group after they had ordered . Shaggy stood up to let her out . She walked to the pay phone in the back . " I wonder who she 's calling , " Fred said sarcastically . " Fred , she 's probably calling Patrick . Duh ! " Shaggy replied not picking up the sarcasm in his friend 's voice . " I know Shag that 's why I said it , " Fred told him . Shaggy looked at him confused . " You know like a joke , " Fred added . Shaggy looked at him blankly for a moment and then the light bulb turned on . " Ohhh ! You meant is as a joke because it 's obvious who she 's calling , " Shaggy said . " Yes ! " Fred told him . Daphne and Scooby let out snickers . Patrick was sitting in his living room watching t . v . , when the phone rang . He reached over to the table and picked it up . " Hello , " he said into the phone . " Hi Patrick , " said a voice . He immediately recognized Velma 's voice . " Hi . How are you ? " Patrick asked . " I 'm fine . How are you ? " she asked back . " I 'm good . I 've missed you , " he answered . " I 've really missed you too . We just finished up the mystery , " Velma said . " Yeah I heard about that on the news . Congratulations , " Patrick replied . " Thanks . We stopped at a restaurant to celebrate and then we 'll be heading home . Its getting late but I can 't wait to see you , " Velma told him . " How about using that rain check for tomorrow ? " Patrick suggested . " Alright . Do you want to pick me up ? Say around noon ? " Velma asked . " I 'll be there . I love you , " Patrick answered . " I love you too . Bye , " Velma said . She hung up the phone and walked back to the table . Shaggy started to stand up . " It 's ok Shaggy . I 'll just sit on the end , " Velma told him . Chapter 4 The minute Patrick arrived , Velma ran out to meet him . He held out his arms and she ran into them . He held her in his arms , breathing in her familiar scent . " It 's only been 5 days but it feels like an eternity , " Velma said as she climbed into the car . " It feels like an eternity when you 're in love , " Patrick responded . The diner was slowly filling up when they arrived . They walked through the door hand in hand . " Oh ick ! Will you just look at those two , " a woman said to herself . That woman was in fact Steph Calvin , a well - known gossip columnist for the Coolsville Times . She even went out on assignment for the local television stations as well . She hated Mystery Inc . with a passion . She was so sick of writing about all the good they did . All the mysteries they solved , the awards , the commendations they received . It sickened her . " And now Velma 's gone and gotten herself a boyfriend . Well isn 't that sweet , " she said as they sat on the same side of the booth , towards the back . " I think its time to end this little love fest , as much as it greatly pains me . Ha ! Ha ! Yeah right ! " She opened her purse and took out her cell phone . She dialed a number and held it to her ear . " Hello Renaldo , its Steph . I need to ask you for a big favor . It 's been awhile since I 've ruined someone 's reputation and I think I 'm due for another one , " she said into the phone . Renaldo , her assistant , was a short , bald man of 38 . He was loyal to Steph and anything she asked for her delivered . " Who is it this time ? " he asked . " Velma Dinkley , Mystery Inc . 's brain . I 'm sitting here looking at a sickening sight . She and her boyfriend are playing kissy face , " Steph answered . " I 'm seeing a big scandal . It will be in all the newspapers , on television . I want you to find out all about her . All her juicy secrets . And if you can 't find any , which is likely , make them up . I want her reputation ruined and this relationship with her fellow is over . Oh I 've got it ! Make up a story about her cheating on this new man with other guys . I need pictures , video , and the works . How soon could you get it out ? " Steph asked . " If I work the rest of the day and tonight I can have it as the breaking story on the news and on the front page of the newspapers , " Renaldo told her . " Perfect . I knew I could count on you , " Steph replied hanging up . A wicked grin appeared on her face as she looked towards Velma and Patrick . " Here you got some sauce on your face , " Velma said wiping Patrick 's cheek . " Oh real smooth Patrick . Let your girlfriend see you making a slob of yourself , " Patrick replied . Velma giggled . " How did I find someone as pretty as you ? " he asked . " Patrick you 're making me blush , " Velma told him . " And you look cute when your face is all red , " he added . " Do you want anything for dessert ? " Patrick asked her . Velma picked up the dessert menu . " Want to split a sundae ? " Velma asked . " Yeah , " Patrick said . " We 'd like a sundae with 2 spoons please , " he told the waitress when she walked by . Steph got up to pay her check . She gave one last glance to the couple before she paid and left . " Here you are . A sundae with 2 spoons , enjoy , " the waitress said placing the ice cream platter in front of them . " We will , " Patrick replied picking up a spoon . He scooped a little ice cream on it and brought it to Velma 's nose . Within a matter of seconds her nose was covered in vanilla . " Patrick ! " Velma said startled . She dipped her finger in the ice cream and smeared it across his cheek . They both looked at each other and burst out laughing . She dipped her spoon in the vanilla and brought it to her lips . " Mmmmm , " she said as she took a bite . " Thanks for lunch . It was delicious , " Velma said . " You 're welcome , " he replied . " Oh I almost forgot . My parents asked me to invite you to dinner one night . I was wondering if you 'd like to go tonight , unless you have other plans , " Velma mentioned . " If you call sitting at home reading a book plans , then I have plans . I 'd love to meet your parents , " Patrick told her . " They 're really excited to meet you , " Velma said . " Velma , dear it 's so good to see , " Marilyn Dinkley greeted her daughter . " Hello mother , hello father , " Velma said greeting her parents . " This is Patrick Wisely , " she added introducing him . Harold Dinkley studied the young man his daughter had brought before them . Velma knew the evening would consist of her father asking Patrick thousands of questions . She 'd given him forewarning though . Harold held out his hand and Patrick shook it . They all walked into the living room . Velma and Patrick took a seat on the couch while Velma 's parents sat down on the two chairs to the right of the couch . " Dinner will be ready soon , " Marilyn said . " It smells very good Mrs . Dinkley , " Patrick complimented . " Thank you Patrick , " Marilyn told him . " So Patrick , where are you from ? " Harold asked . " I grew up in White Hall , Pennsylvania and moved here when I was 10 , " Patrick answered . " What do your parents do ? " Marilyn asked . " They moved back to White Hall a few years ago and now own a bookstore , " Patrick answered . Marilyn left to check on the food , returning a few minutes later to announce it was time to eat . Velma and Patrick went into the kitchen to help her bring the food to the table . During dinner the questions continued . Harold started asking the bigger , more important questions . " What do you see for the future ? Do you plan to spend the rest of your life working in the museum ? " Harold asked . " I 'm content working there now . I 'll probably keep working there unless I find something else better , " Patrick answered . " Do you love my daughter ? " Velma 's father asked . Velma eyed her father . Why would he ask such a question ? " Yes sir , I do . Very much , " Patrick answered . He places his hand on Velma 's . " Well Patrick , you seem like a very nice young man . I 'm so happy our Velma has found a good one , " Marilyn complimented . " Thank you ma ' am , " Patrick replied . " They really like you , " Velma told Patrick on the way home . " I was so nervous . You told me your father was going to ask questions , but after tonight I feel I have no secrets , " Patrick said . " That 's Daddy alright . Every boy I brought home was drilled by him . They never met Ethan though . It was over before I could bring him home , Velma replied . " I 've got meetings tomorrow morning and they should last through the afternoon . If I get out of them at a decent hour , I 'll give you a call , " Patrick told her at the door . " Who are you meeting with ? " Velma asked . " The museum committee about new exhibits and some other things for the museum , " Patrick answered . " Sounds like fun . I guess I 'll talk to you tomorrow . I love you , " Velma said placing a kiss on his lips . " And I love you , " he replied . " Hey Velma , " Shaggy greeted his friend when she walked into the living room . " Hey Shaggy , " Velma said . " So how did it go with your parents ? " Daphne asked walking into the room . " It went very well . My father asked just about every question he could but I think they really like him , " Velma answered . " I 'm sorry guys but I am beat . I have had such a long day . I 'll see you all in the morning , " she said . She walked past the living room and headed to her bedroom . She fell asleep rather quickly , totally unaware that it might be her last good night 's sleep in a long time . Velma awoke the next morning to the television blaring from the living room . She put on her robe and walked out to see what they were watching . Scooby lay on the ground but Shaggy , Daphne , and Fred sat on the couch . " Morning every … . . " she started to say and stopped when she saw their faces . They held solemn , serious expressions . Shaggy , known for his constant goofing off , was still as a statue watching the t . v . " What 's the matter ? " Velma asked . Daphne pointed to the screen . It was only then that Velma glanced at the t . v . She gasped . " If you are just joining us we 've been following this story all morning . Velma Dinkley , best known for her role as Mystery Inc 's brainy nerd , is not as innocent as she has wanted us all to believe . As these photos and video will prove , she 's not been truly honest with us , herself , or her new beau Coolsonian Museum Curator , Patrick Wisely , " said the reporter . Velma plopped down on the floor next to Scooby . They started to play footage of Velma partying and making out with at least 4 different men . " She claims to be involved with Mr . Wisely but this video proves otherwise . This footage , shot just days before the reopening of the Coolsonian exhibit shows Velma getting very smitten with these two men whom she picked up from a bar . She was allegedly thrown out of the bar and left in a cab with these them . Eyewitnesses saw them disappear into a hotel room and they did not come out for a couple of hours . Here is Joshua Pratchett with some of those eyewitnesses . " The view changed to Joshua standing next to a man . " Sir you were there the night Velma Dinkley was in the bar . Can you tell us what you saw ? " Joshua asked the man . " I sure can . Velma was dancing on tables and she was getting real rowdy . The owner of the bar had her escorted out and I saw her get into the cab , " the man told him . " What is this ? " Velma exclaimed as she rose to her feet . " I didn 't do any of this , I swear , " Velma exclaimed . Daphne ran up to give her friend a hug . " We know . We know , " she said . " Who would do such a thing ? " Fred asked . " Oh god Patrick ! " Velma cried . " He must think this is true if it 's all over the news . She ran into her room and shut the door . She flung herself on her bed and started to weep . " How are we ever supposed to get out of here ? " Shaggy asked . He looked out the door at the lawn which was covered with news reporters and cameras . Flashes kept going off . " Someone should go and talk to Velma , " Fred said . The two guys looked at Daphne . " Yeah I guess it would have to be me , " Daphne said as she walked towards Velma 's door . She knocked softly . " Go away , " Velma cried from inside . Daphne was not about to take no for an answer . She opened the door and walked in . " Come to kick me out of the gang ? " Velma asked sitting up and rubbing her red , swollen eyes . " Velma , now come on . We 'd never do that , " Daphne answered . Daphne 's cell phone rang . She reached into her pocket and answered it . " Hello ? " she said . " How 's Velma doing ? Is she enjoying this ? I would love to know if my work is appreciated , " said a voice . " What ? Who is this ? " Daphne asked . " Your worst nightmare , later , " said the voice and hung up . " Velma ! That was the person on the phone , whoever set you up . The voice sounds oddly familiar , " Daphne said as she jumped up with a start . The two girls ran out of the room to tell the guys . Shaggy walked over to Velma and gave her a big hug . " Don 't worry Velma . We 're going to get this straightened out , " he told her . " Thanks . I 'm so lucky to have you all , " Velma said . The phone rang and Fred went to answer it . " Velma , it 's Patrick , " he replied handing her the phone . " Hello , " she said into the phone . " What 's all this about ? I 've been pulled out of my meetings 5 times already . The museum is swarming with reporters and television crews , " Patrick told her . " I … I 've been set up . It 's not true , " Velma told him . " But they have footage of you . Velma I thought I meant something to you . How could you do this ? " Patrick asked right before Velma hung up on him . Velma collapsed to the floor . All the wind had been knocked out her with the last thing Patrick had said to her . The room was spinning and no matter what Velma did she couldn 't stop it . Her world was coming to an end . She was nothing without Patrick . She ran back into her room , and this time she locked her door . Eventually Fred just took their phone off the hook . It was constantly ringing and no one but reporters and tabloids kept calling anyways . The doorbell rang about an hour later . Fred looked through the peep hole and saw Patrick fighting off reporters . He opened the door just enough for Patrick to get in then slammed and locked it again . " Where is she ? " he asked . Fred pointed to Daphne who sat outside her friend 's door . Daphne saw him walking towards her and she ran to him . " Why are you here ? " she asked angrily . " Haven 't you done enough ? " " As soon as she hung up I realized I 'd made a big mistake . This is Velma we 're talking about . I know her too well . She 'd never do anything like this . But now I fear she won 't ever want to talk to me again , " Patrick told Daphne . " See if you can get her out . She hasn 't eaten a bite of anything all day , " Daphne said . Patrick walked up to the door and knocked . " Daphne can you please just leave me alone ? " came a voice from inside . " It 's not Daphne and I won 't leave you alone , " Patrick replied . " Patrick ? Please just go , " Velma told him . " Velma please . You don 't have to say anything , just listen . The second you hung up on me I realized I 'd made a big mistake . I let the media fool me into this false accusation about you . I know you so much better than they do . I know you would never ever do anything like this , " Patrick said . He could tell she was listening so he continued . " I was such a stupid fool for even believing those stories for a second . It 's so easy to make fake videos and pictures . I should have immediately known . I 'm so sorry . And if you can 't forgive me , I 'll understand . But I want you to know I do love you , " Patrick said . Velma opened the door and walked straight into his arms . He held her tightly to his chest as she sobbed . " Velma I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry , " Patrick repeated . " Oh sweetie I know . You don 't have to apologize . I love you , " Velma said . " We 're going to find out who 's behind this . First I think we should go and talk to the press . If we can get them on our side it will be better , " Patrick told her . Velma nodded her head . She took his hand and the two made their way outside to talk to the reporters . As soon as they stepped outside the door they were surrounded . They couldn 't move anywhere . " We 'll talk if you would all just give us some space , " Patrick told them . They obediently backed up . " Are you still with her after everything she 's done ? " " Velma , why did you do it ? " " Is Patrick not making you happy ? " " What do you think this will do to your reputation ? " The questions started pouring in . " Yes , I am still with Velma , " Patrick said . " I didn 't do anything of those things portrayed in that horrific video they are showing . Anyone can see that it 's someone dressed up as me . My skirt is a totally different style , and that orange sweater ? They got that wholesale at K - Mart , " Velma replied . " As for Patrick making me happy , he makes me very happy . I 'm very lucky to have him . " " Oh and yes about my reputation , I will not sit here and let it get tarnished by someone 's idea of a funny joke . We are going to get to the bottom of this . I ask anyone with any information to please contact us . There is a reward , " Velma replied . " That 's all we 're saying for now , " she added as she and Patrick headed back inside . " Well we did some damage control . Now it 's up to them , " Patrick told her . Velma sat down on the couch and Patrick sat down next to her . " I 'm trying to think of possible suspects . But it could be anyone . We may have thousands of fans but there are many people who dislike us , " Velma said . " It 's a woman . If that narrows it down any , " Daphne replied . Velma lifted her finger to her mouth , her usual thinking position . " I 'm thinking it must be someone with television and newspaper connections . Someone who has a lot of influence , " Velma said . " That could be any news reporter or journalist , " Fred told her . " Who 's a woman , " Shaggy added . " Yes who 's a woman , " Fred replied . Fred hung up the phone hoping the calls might stop . As soon as he had set it down , it rang . " It couldn 't hurt , " he said as he picked it up . " Hello ? Yeah she 's right here , " Fred replied . He covered the phone with his hand . " Put it on speaker phone , " he whispered . Velma pressed the speaker phone button and Fred set the phone back down . " Hello this is Velma , who 's this ? " Velma asked . " I … . uh … I know who did it . I work for her . But I don 't want the reward money . I don 't want it to leak out that I told you who did it , " said a voice . " Who is it ? " Patrick asked . " Steph Calvin . I work for her . I 'm her assistant , " the voice answered . " Now I know the voice . It was her ! I got into an altercation with her awhile back . I don 't like her very much and I know for a fact she would have it in for us , " Daphne said . " What 's your name ? " Velma asked . " I don 't want anyone to know , " the voice answered back . " We 'll need you to go on t . v . and tell what you know . Steph won 't touch you . She 'll be in jail by then , " Velma told him . " I 'll be going to jail with her , " the voice said . " And why is that ? " Velma asked . " I put together everything . After I released the information I had second thoughts but she threatened me so I had to do it , " the voice answered . " What is your name ? " Velma asked again . " My name is Renaldo Sims . I 'm Miss Calvin 's personal assistant , " he replied . " Will you meet us here ? At the Mystery Inc . headquarters and tell everything you know to the reporters ? " Velma asked him . There was a long pause on the other end of the line . " I will . But when I do Steph will make a run for it , " Renaldo answered . " No she won 't , " Daphne spoke . " I 'm already on the phone with the police . " " I 'll be there in ten minutes . If you need to arrest me I 'll go without a struggle , " were Renaldo 's last words before he hung up . Daphne hung up a few minutes later . " Steph 's in custody , " she announced . " That was quick , " Shaggy said . " They got an anonymous tip from someone else as well , " she told him . The gang walked outside to wait for Renaldo to arrive . " Who are you waiting for ? " asked a reporter . " Why don 't you stick around and find out ? " suggested Fred . Renaldo pulled up in a van a few minutes later . Reporters quickly swarmed him but he managed to make his way to the gang . " Velma , who is this man ? " asked a reporter . " He 's here to prove my innocence , " Velma answered . All eyes , microphones , and video cameras were on Renaldo . He cleared his throat and began telling his story . " And so I couldn 't sit back and watch another person suffer out of something I did . I couldn 't hold it in any more and I knew how this poor young lady must have been feeling and I knew it needed to stop here , " Renaldo said . " Sir I 'm afraid we 'll need to take you down to the police station , " an officer said cuffing him . Velma went to intervene but Renaldo shook his head . " I 'll pay the price for my crime , " he said . Velma and the rest of the gang watched him drive off in the back of a squad car . This time around Velma heard news reporters reporting good things . Her reputation was saved and her relationship with Patrick was even stronger now . " Velma I don 't know what I would do without you . I 've never met anyone quite like you . You are so smart and so funny . I could never get bored when I 'm with you . Life is new and exciting and I can 't wait to see what 's around the corner with you right by my side . I want to know if you 'd like to come to Philadelphia with me to meet my parents , " Patrick said . " I 'd love to meet the parents who raised you . They have to be the kindest , most loving people on the earth , " Velma told him . Over the course a month the allegations over Velma were soon forgotten and life went back to normal . Velma and Patrick were seeing a lot more of each other and Velma helped out at the museum in addition to solving mysteries with the gang . Daphne and Fred went on double dates with the couple , but Shaggy and Scooby stayed home . " To avoid the icky love stuff , " or so Shaggy put it . One evening Patrick invited Velma out to dinner . No , this wasn 't a rare event ; they spent a lot of time together , especially going out to dinner . No this time it was slightly different . Apart from the diners and fast food restaurants they usually went to this one was a black - tie kind of restaurant . Velma had Daphne take her shopping to pick a new dress out . Velma was in no shortage of dresses but shopping was one of Daphne 's many hobbies and she loved to help Velma find something to wear . Three hours and four dress shops later , they finally settled on a beautiful red dress . It had sequins on the upper half and the bottom just reached Velma 's heels . Velma twirled around in her mirror giving herself a once over . She felt just as nervous as she had on prom night . The only difference was she actually had a date , which made her a little more nervous . She checked her makeup one last time and walked out into the living room . She was surprised to see Patrick had already arrived and he was waiting for her . Patrick looked at her . He couldn 't believe how beautiful she looked that evening . " Velma , you look lovely , " he complimented as she walked towards him . " Thanks , " Velma replied . " You kids go on and have fun , " Shaggy said with a laugh . Patrick and Velma walked out the door as the gang looked on . " Why won 't you tell us where we 're going ? " Velma asked him as they were driving . " Because that would ruin the surprise , " Patrick answered . Patrick pulled up to the curb . Velma looked out the window at where they were . A man came over to Patrick 's side . " Here 's your ticket sir . Give it to the valet after dinner , " the man said . Velma got out of the passenger side and stood on the curb . Patrick got out and joined her as the man got in the car and drove off . Velma looked up at the sign of the restaurant and gasped . " The Glass Dove . . " she said as she and Patrick proceeded to walk inside . " Patrick are you sure we 're at the right place ? " Velma asked . The Glass Dove was the most expensive restaurant in all of Coolsville . Many times had she driven past it and wondered what it would be like to eat there . " Name sir ? " asked a tall , surly looking man asked . " Wisely , " Patrick told him . " Yes , here it is , dinner for two . Right this way , I 'll show you to your table , " he told them . He walked into the dining room and Velma and Patrick followed him . He led them to a small intimate table located near one of the restaurants four aquariums . Patrick pushed Velma in when she sat down and went to take a seat . " Patrick this place is magnificent . I always wondered what it would be like to eat here , " Velma told him . " And now you can find out , " Patrick said . A waiter came by with two menus . " My name is James and I will be your waiter . Take a few minutes to look at the menu and I will be right back , " he told them . Velma opened up the menu and almost fainted at some of the prices . There was no way she could order any of this . She glanced up at Patrick who seemed intrigued with the menu . She looked back down and started looking for the cheapest thing she could find . " Patrick I feel bad ordering any of this . It 's all so expensive , " Velma said . " Don 't worry about the price . I want you to order anything you want , " Patrick told her . It took her a few more minutes but she decided to get steak and a baked potato while Patrick had decided on lobster . Velma took in the sights of the restaurant . All the excitement , the harp player , and the atmosphere it was all so overwhelming . She turned back towards Patrick and saw him shifting uneasy in his chair . She placed her hand on his and noticed then how sweaty it was . " Are you alright ? " Velma asked him . " Hmm . . ? Oh yes I 'm fine , " Patrick answered . " Jinkies this place is incredible . I can 't believe you 'd take me here . No one 's ever done something like this for me , " Velma said . The waiter brought their food and they started to eat . Velma could feel Patrick watching her but she kept eating . She looked up a few times and their eyes met and she would smile at him . " Want to try some of my steak ? " she asked him after she 'd eaten more than halfway through it . " Sure , " Patrick said taking a few pieces from her plate . Patrick held up his plate , and Velma took off a few pieces of lobster . " Mmmm , " she said popping the pieces into her mouth . Patrick finished the few bites of steak and then pushed his plate aside . " Velma , can I ask you something ? " he asked . " Sure Patrick what is it ? " Velma asked back . Patrick reached into his pocket with his left hand , with his right he held onto Velma 's hand . " I know we haven 't known each other very long ; a few months . But these have been the best months of my life . Before you came along I thought the museum was my life but now that 's all changed . Would you look at this and tell me what you think ? " Patrick asked taking a small box out of his pocket and placing it in her palm . Velma removed the cover and found a slightly smaller one inside . She removed the box and opened it revealing a sparkling ring . The stone in the middle was a blue sapphire with two smaller diamonds on either side of it . While Velma examined the ring in the light , Patrick had gotten up and kneeled down in front of her . " Velma , " he said . Velma turned to him . He took the ring out of the box and held it out to her . And suddenly Velma knew what was happening . Her heart started to pound uncontrollably when Patrick started to speak again . " Velma I knew from the moment I saw you that you were the one . I know I 'm not very experienced in this but I do know how I feel . And the way I feel is I love you with all my heart . Will you be my wife ? " Patrick asked . Velma 's eyes filled with tears as she whispered , " You bet I will . " Patrick placed the ring on her finger . Velma looked down at it for a moment and stood up and kissed him with so much passion he almost fell over . He held her in his arms as the rest of the restaurant exploded into applause . Patrick pulled her back to look at her . She burst into tears . " Velma are you ok ? " he asked her . She shook her head yes . " I 've never been this happy ! " she exclaimed . They sat back down and the waiter brought them each a piece of chocolate cake . " It 's on the house . Congratulations , " James told them . " Thank you , " Velma said . She picked up her fork and scooped a small piece into her mouth . " It 's very good , " she said . She looked down at her ring , held it up to the light so it sparkled and shimmered . " When I saw that ring I just knew it was the right one , " Patrick told her . " It 's so beautiful . I could stare at it all day long , " she said smiling . She picked up her napkin and dabbed at her eyes . " I want you to come in with me , to tell the gang , " Velma told him on the way home . " Of course , and you 'll want to call your parents , " Patrick said . " Oh they 'll be thrilled . And you can call your parents too , " Velma replied . " I actually called my Dad the other day telling him I was planning on asking you to marry me . You know to see if he had any fatherly advice , " Patrick told her . " And did he ? " Velma asked . " He told me to get married and give him a grandchild as soon as possible , " Patrick answered with a laugh . " I think you 'd make a wonderful father , " Velma told him . " And you are going to be one incredible mother , " Patrick said right back . They walked hand in hand into the Mystery Inc . headquarters . It was just after 9 when they walked through the door and the gang was watching a movie . Scooby heard them come in and ran to greet them . " Well look who 's back , " Daphne said with a smile . " Gang , Patrick and I have something we 'd like to tell you , " Velma spoke as she and Patrick walked over to them . Fred paused the movie , all eyes were on them . Velma held up her left hand , the ring glistened . " We 're engaged ! " she exclaimed . Everyone immediately jumped to their feet and smothered the happy couple in hugs . " As soon as you said you had something to tell us I just knew it , " Daphne replied giving her friend a big hug . " Congratulations , " Fred said shaking Patrick 's hand . Shaggy skipped the handshake and gave Patrick a hug . " Dude like this is the best news since they decided to build a Snack Shack like 3 blocks away , " Shaggy said . " Let me see this ring , " Daphne said holding up Velma 's hand . She examined the ring for a minute , and then turned to Patrick . " Excellent choice , " she said giving him a thumbs up sign . " So have you decided on a date ? " Fred asked . " Jinkies no ! We haven 't even started to think of one . And I have to call my parents and then we 'll be heading to White Hall to visit Patrick 's parents , " Velma answered . " I 'll call from my bedroom , you pick up here . I want you to be on the line when I tell my parents the good news , " Velma said as she ran to her room . " Alright pick up ! " she called a few moments later . Patrick picked up the phone and headed into the kitchen . " Hello ? " asked a voice . It was Velma 's mom . " Mother , it 's Velma , I 'm sorry to call so late , " Velma said . " Oh no dear it 's alright . Is something wrong ? " Marilyn asked . " No , something wonderful happened . Patrick asked me to marry him tonight and I said yes , " Velma told her . The line went quiet for a few minutes . Then Velma heard her mother calling for her father . A few minutes later Harold got on the phone . " What 's this about you being engaged ? " he asked . " Patrick asked me to marry him tonight , " Velma answered . " Well congratulations ! I can 't believe my little girl is getting married ! " he exclaimed . " Tell Patrick I send my congratulations , " he added . " You can tell him yourself , he 's on the phone as well , " Velma told her father . " Patrick , welcome to the family , " Harold said . " Thank you sir , " Patrick responded . " I 'll let you two lovebirds go . I 'm so happy and I have a feeling your mother will be up all night calling everyone she knows . Good night , " Harold replied hanging up . Velma hung up the phone and walked back into the living room . " Should we call your parents ? Or just wait until we see them in two days ? " Velma asked . " Let 's wait , " Patrick answered . Chapter 6 " You sure you packed enough ? " Daphne joked referring to Velma 's three suitcases . " I know we 're only going for 2 days but a girl can never be too prepared , " Velma told her . " Yeah I know what you mean . But if it was me one of these suitcases would be filled with makeup , " Daphne said . " What time is Patrick picking you up ? " Daphne asked . Velma looked at the clock on the wall . " He should be here any minute , " Velma answered . I still can 't believe you two are engaged . Maybe this will push Fred into a bigger commitment , " Daphne said . " Need some help ? " Shaggy asked appearing at the door . " Sure Shaggy . Thanks , " Velma answered . He picked up two of the suitcases and Velma picked up the third . She followed him out to the front door . Velma looked out the window to make sure Patrick wasn 't out there waiting . " Good , he 's not early , " Velma said . " You have a great time and make sure you call us , " Daphne replied giving her friend a hug . " What if a mystery comes up ? " Velma asked the group . " We 'll find some way to manage without you , though very difficult , " Fred answered . Velma cracked a smile . " Oh Freddie , " she said . A beep sounded from outside . " That will be Patrick . I 'll see you all on Saturday , " Velma told them . Shaggy helped her take the luggage to the car and the rest of the gang came to see the two off . " Ready to go ? " Patrick asked her . " As ready as I 'll ever be , " Velma told him . She gave one last wave to the gang before Patrick drove off . " What time does our flight leave ? " Patrick asked . " In exactly 1 hour and 35 minutes , " Velma responded . " Good , we have plenty of time , " Patrick said . He glanced over at Velma who was staring out the window . " Don 't worry about my parents . My Dad is nowhere near similar to yours . They are so happy to be meeting you , " Patrick reassured her . " My Dad can be pretty strict at times but he does it because he loves me . He was always like this because I 'm the only girl , only child . My mother used to be the same way when I was younger . But over the years she 's loosened up . She 's realizing that I 'm growing up and I 've got my own life now . They wanted to protect me because I was so smart and gifted . They wanted to keep me under their wing forever but my mom was the one who finally noticed I was becoming a young woman and I needed room to grow . I guess dads are always like that with their little girls , " Velma said . " And you 've grown into a very lovely young woman , " Patrick told her . " My Dad was always pressuring me to get into tools and wood shop and that sort of thing . He had no interest in science and didn 't understand why I spent so many hours with my nose in a book when I could be outside helping him work on the car . My Mom understood my passion . She helped it grow by buying me all the latest books and science kits . My Dad didn 't really agree with it but he didn 't discourage me either , " Patrick said . Patrick pulled into the airport parking lot and found a spot close to the front . He ran inside for a cart to put their luggage on . He , himself had brought two suitcases . Velma lifted her luggage onto the cart and helped Patrick with his . They pushed the cart in together and got it checked in . They took out their tickets and headed to Terminal A - 7 which was where they were boarding their plane . Velma found two open seats near the front and the couple sat down . An older woman looked at them and smiled . " Are you two on your honeymoon ? " she asked politely . " No , " Velma told her . " Oh I 'm sorry . You two just look so much in love , " the woman responded . " We 're engaged , " Patrick told her . " Ah ! Well congratulations , " she said . Velma and Patrick adlibbed thank yous . " Flight 763 to White Hall , Pennsylvania is now boarding . Please have your tickets ready , " said a voice over the loudspeaker . Velma and Patrick headed towards the gate with the rest of the people waiting for the flight . They handed their tickets to the flight attendant and boarded the plane . " Do you want window ? " Velma asked Patrick when they found their seats . " You take window . I get a little dizzy at high altitudes and not looking out the window helps , " Patrick told her . " I never knew you had a thing about heights , " Velma said as she sat down at the window seat . Patrick took the seat next to her . " Well I can fix that , " Velma replied as she shut the shade . " But you 'll miss the view , " Patrick told her . " I think I 'll enjoy the view in here a lot better , " she said placing a kiss on his lips . " Ladies and gentlemen please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened , we are about to take off , " said the pilot over the speaker . Velma held Patrick 's hand as the plane started to make its way towards the runway . She squeezed it tighter as the plan started to gain speed and barreled down the runway . Within a matter of seconds they were in the air . " And I never knew you had a thing about planes taking off , " Patrick told her as they continued to gain altitude . " I really don 't but it 's such a rush , " Velma replied . Once they leveled off the captain removed the fasten seatbelt sign . A screen came down in front of everyone and the stewardess started to hand out headphones . " The flight is only an hour and 30 minutes and they 're showing a movie ? " Patrick asked . " We don 't have to watch it , " Velma answered . " I was just about to whip out my Science Illustrated magazine , " Patrick told her . " You brought that with ? Is that the special edition one ? " she asked . " Yes , " he answered . " Yes take it out , " she told him . He removed it from his carry - on bag and pulled down his tray . He opened to the first page and could tell Velma was already intrigued . " Flip to the jokes section , " she said . Patrick found the page number and turned to it . The jokes in this section were by far some of the funniest ones . " Here 's a good one . How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one , but the bulb has to really want to change , " Velma said . She and Patrick laughed at it . It was so funny that most of the jokes listed on this page no one else but them would find funny . " Here 's another one . Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently . One said : " Why do you look so sad ? " The other responded : I lost an electron . Concerned , One asked Are you sure ? The other replied I 'm positive , " Patrick read . " Cute , " Velma said . They continued to flip through the rest of the magazine while the other passengers got wrapped up in the movie . " Thank you for flying . Have a nice day , " the stewardess said as everyone walked off the plane . " You 're parents are meeting us here ? " Velma asked . " Yes , and there they are , " Patrick said . Velma looked to see an older looking couple walking towards them . " Patrick it 's so good to see you again . You don 't visit often enough , " Patrick 's mother said giving her son a hug . " Hello son , " his father replied . " Oh how terribly rude of us , I 'm Elaine and this is my husband Bill , " his mother said turning to Velma . Velma smiled . " So Patrick anything you want to tell us ? " Bill asked . " Yes there is . Velma and I , we 're engaged , " Patrick announced . Elaine 's eyes widened and she grinned from ear to ear as she smothered her son in kisses . " You 're family now , " she said giving Velma a friendly hug . " Us Wiselys aren 't half bad , " Bill replied . " It 's very nice to meet you . Patrick 's told me so much about you , " Velma told them . " Patrick goes on and on about you . He just keeps telling us about all the great things about you so I told him you must bring her to visit , " Elaine said . " Let 's go and get your luggage , " Elaine replied . The two followed behind her with Patrick 's dad trailing close behind . Once they had their luggage and it was put into the back of Patrick 's parents ' truck they were on their way . Patrick and Velma sat in the back . It was tight quarters but Velma didn 't mind it that much . She stared out the window the whole time taking in the sights of Pennsylvania . Twenty minutes later they pulled up to a small , yellow farmhouse . " It 's not much but its home , " Bill said . He helped the kids get their things and went to unlock the door . " I 've always wanted a porch . We never had one when I was growing up , " Velma said as she dragged her hand along the banister . " You 'll be staying in my room , " Patrick said bringing her luggage into the room . " I 'm taking the pull out sofa bed in the living room , " he added . " Now tomorrow I plan on taking you out and showing you off to all of my friends . Think you can handle that ? " he asked . " I think I could bare it for you , " Velma said with a smile . " Mom says she making dinner and she 'll call us when its time to eat . Have fun unpacking , " he told her . " Oh yes . I shall have to find a way to contain all my joy , " she replied . Velma unpacked pretty quickly and used the rest of her time to explore the room . Since it had been Patrick 's before she found trophies and medals hanging around , mostly from science fairs and festivals . She came upon some pictures of her fiancée . A handful of pictures were placed around the room , in frames . She looked at each of them , smiling to see Patrick look so young . Even back then he was cute . A knock came at the open door and Velma turned to see who it was . " Time for supper dear , " Bill told her . She followed him to the dining room table and sat next to Patrick . Elaine came out of the kitchen carrying a roast with slice potatoes . She set it down in the center of the table and Bill start to carve it . " Here you go , " he said to Velma handing her a plate filled with roast and potatoes . " Thank you , " Velma responded . She couldn 't wait to take the first bite . It smelled so good and her mouth was beginning to water . She picked up her fork and stabbed a piece of roast . She placed it in her mouth . It was just as she had pictured it tasting ; delicious . " Mrs . Wisely it 's delicious , " Velma complimented . " You don 't have to be so formal dear . Just call me Elaine , " Patrick 's mother replied back . " Ok , " Velma said nodding . After dinner Elaine brought out a chocolate cake . " I 'll have you know she slaved all day in the kitchen to make that cake , " Bill said . Elaine turned to Patrick and Velma . " I think your father is going senile , " she told them . " Hey , I heard that , " Bill exclaimed . " You were supposed to dear , " Elaine said giving him a peck on the cheek . Velma loved the way Patrick 's parents were still so much in love and didn 't feel embarrassed to show it . . Velma 's parents were somewhat different . They loved each other , they did but they showed their love differently from the Wiselys ' . Velma finished off two pieces of cake before she 'd had her fill . She and Patrick went out to sit on the porch while Elaine , who insisted she needed no help , cleared away the dishes . " It 's all so beautiful here . Not like the city back home , " Velma said as they stared off into the distance . " I never knew how bright the stars were , " she added gazing up . " I like to come out here to get away from the noise and all the lights and pollution . Growing up here was fun . We don 't have a neighbor for half a mile , " Patrick told her . The next afternoon Patrick borrowed his parents ' truck and took Velma into town just as he had said he would . They stopped at the ice cream parlor for some shakes . A few people came up to them as they were drinking their shakes . " Patrick , man it 's been too long . How the hec have you been ? " asked a guy . He stood near their table with a girl and another guy . Patrick stood up . " Hey Phil , I 've been good , " Patrick said giving him a hug . " And who is this pretty young lady ? " Phil asked . " This is my fiancée Velma , " Patrick said introducing her . " Fiancee ? ! You are engaged ? " Phil asked astonished . " Yes , " Patrick told him . Phil extended his arm out to Velma who gladly shook it . " Wow , I 'll have to go home and tell mom the news . We never though it a million years you 'd ever settle down . Congratulations to you two , " Phil said . " How 's Maggie and the kids ? " Patrick asked . " There doing well . In fact number 3 is due this winter , " Phil answered . " Wow . That 's good news . Tell Maggie I said hello , " Patrick said . " Will do . You folks take care , " Phil replied . He and his group left the parlor . " Is he the same age as you ? " Velma asked . Patrick nodded . " Jinkies he 's married and he has kids . Is there nothing else for you farm people to do out here ? " Velma said jokingly . " Nope . You graduate , God willing , you get married and you procreate , " Patrick told her in the same joking manner . For the rest of the day , Velma was introduced to so many people , her head was spinning . The town was small , but not that small . And everyone seemed to know everyone else , and everyone else 's history and past and anything going on with them . " It 's very good to see you again Patrick . I hope I get an invitation to the wedding , " an older woman said . " I 'll see what I can do Mrs . Wing . Take care , " Patrick told her . " Looks to me like we 'll be inviting the whole town , " Velma said as they walked around in town . " We don 't have to you know . Just some people , " Patrick replied . " How would we choose ? Everyone I 've met today seems nice and decent and friendly , " Velma told him . " Well when the time comes we can decide , " Patrick said . " We 're surely going to miss the both of you , " Elaine said giving both Velma and Patrick a hug before they boarded their plane bound for Coolsville . " You come out and see us whenever you want , " Bill told them . " We 'll all see each other again at the wedding . And we 'll let you know when we 've chosen a date . As soon as we get back to Coolsville that 's what we 're going to figure out , " Patrick replied . " Last call for boarding , " came a voice over the loudspeaker . " You two better get going , " Elaine said . Velma and Patrick headed towards the gate . They gave one last wave to Elaine and Bill and headed towards the plane . " I 'm glad we came . I think we 'll have to visit a lot more often . I enjoy the countryside . I may be a city girl but I can deal with peace and quiet for a few days , " Velma said . " And now we head back to Coolsville to begin the next chapter , " Patrick replied . " Wedding plans , " Velma said with a smile . He placed a kiss on her lips as they were boarding the plane . The End |
Hey , Y ' all , Well , it is a Sunday afternoon , and I 'm not doing much of anything today . Did some laundry about 9 a . m . and put it in the dryer . It is very quiet here , and I have been playing a computer game . It is one that I have played many times and been defeated many times . It is called 7 Wonders II . I play it until I get tired of being told " you have failed to build the wonder . " The player gets 4 chances to build , and there are several levels that one goes through to build it . Of course there are seven wonders to build . I have built them all two times and am working on the third time to build them all . Gramps is still in bed . He is now able to get up by himself without any help from me , so he is progressing . I will probably go in after while and insist that he arise from his bed of ease . , and have some breakfast at 4 in the afternoon . Of course , we didn 't go to church this morning , and I know it will make the day seem even longer , as well as causing the week to seem longer . They are having a cookout at the community center , and we won 't make that either . I put a tender chuck roast into the crock pot last night and it is yummy . It cooked all night . I had two sandwiches of it for lunch ( with mayo ) . I may make some vegetable beef soup with the rest of it for tomorrow . Then maybe make some cornbread to eat with it . Mmmm , good to eat any time . Update on brother John in Phoenix . As of last evening he was still in the hospital . They were administering a 24 - hour iv drip to help his heart . They had cleared up the blood in his sputum , so that was to the good . Not much shaking here today . I may work on the quilt pieces today . I haven 't decided yet . I do have to water the flowers some time today . I have already put the car in the layby area of the yard so that I can pull the water hose down through the carport without any obstruction . The roses require a lot of water , so I try to water them every other day , if we have no rain . I water the flowers on the porch at the same time . There is good television on the Hallmark Channel oPosted by Hey , Y ' all , We ( Gramps and I ) want to wish several people a Happy Birthday ! This weekend , three people very dear to us have a birthday ; actually , three of our grandchildren do . Our Grandson , Will ( also known as B . J . ) turns 23 this weekend ; our honorary granddaughter , Jennifer turns 25 ( ? ) this weekend ; and our Grandson , Daniel , has a 31st birthday on Monday . Three wonderful young people and very important in our lives and in the lives of others . Will is the son of our daughter , Teresa , and ex - husband , Bill , and step - son of her husband , Tom , and is an airman in the U . S . Air Force in California . Will has a cute little wife named Natasha , and an adorable baby girl named Alyssa , who is 8 months old . Jennifer is our honorary granddaughter from Taiwan and is a graduate student at Carson - Newman in Jefferson City . Daniel is our grandson who lives in Illinois with his wife , Whitney , and four children , Hannah , Austin , Noah , and Ellie . He is the pastor of a Bethany Community Church , and is the son of our daughter , Carol and her husband , Daryl . We are so very proud of all three of them and wish them the best in the year to come . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , Y ' ALL ! WE LOVE YOU ! Update on Gramps . . He still has a stiff neck , but I think it is getting a little bit better . His head still hurts , but I think it is from his neck muscles . We had a little better night last night , and he is up ( for the day , I hope ) . He was up at 7 : 30 this morning . We may go out on the porch after while and enjoy the morning fresh air . Haven 't heard any more about John yet . Will update you when I can . This is about all for today from Blabbin ' Grammy . I may try to do some quilt piecing today . ( maybe ) . Thought for today : " if you can 't say something good to somebody or about somebody , keep your mouth closed " . ( my version of that old saying ) Bye for now . God blesses us each even when we don 't know it . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , It was a rocky night last night . Gramps couldn 't get out of bed on his own , because of the crick ( or whatever it is ) in his neck and shoulders . So we stayed up for quite a while and I told him that he needed to sleep in his chair in the living room for awhile . I stayed up at my computer and played games until about 4 a . m . and figured we could safely go to bed around that time . I went in to the living room about almost 4 and found him lying in the floor with his blanket , and got him up and we got him into bed after a bathroom visit . Then we both went to sleep and then were up around 7 : 30 this morning . We had breakfast and then he went back to sleep and i got busy with things that had to be done . So he spent the all morning and into the afternoon sleeping . He is now moving better and can mostly get out of bed on his own with a few instructions from yours truly . So , I believe he is on the mend . We spent a while on the front porch this afternoon watching the bees drink the hummingbird food and also the hummingbirds sharing the feeders with them . Gramps said he saw a bird yesterday at the bird bath and the bird had approached it cautiously , I guess trying to decide what to do with it . I still say we should go out and demonstrate its use to the birds . ha . An update on John : we talked to Darlene last night and then today Hugh called her to find out more of John 's situation . He is still in the hospital through tonight . He was coughing up blood in his sputum , and they seemed to think it was because he had been using more oxygen than he needed . He had turned it up to a five on the valve , which apparently was more than he needed . I am hoping he will have a good night 's sleep tonight ( and that we will also ) . Today has been a very laid back day and I expect tomorrow will be too . We had a root beer float for supper along with our small DeGiorno 's pizza . It was sooooooooo good . It has been a while since we had had a root beer float . There is nothing like it in the summer time . It really hit the spot . Well , this is allGrammy Hey , Y ' all ! We are settling back into our usual routine today . Yesterday was kind of a day of rest - well , I guess today was kind of like that too . We are never really running around a lot . Gramps still has a crick in his neck and shoulders and couldn 't get out of bed easily last night . So , at around 2 a . m . when he needed to get up for a bathroom visit , he didn 't wake me up until it was too late . I had to help him out of bed when I turned over and saw he was trying to get up . Then I had to change the wet sheets and mattress pad . Have you ever done that at 2 : 15 or 2 : 30 in the morning ? I had to literally pull him to his feet ( not easy to pull a six - foot tall person to his feet when you are only 5 ' 2 " ) It is a good thing that I have a lot of strength in my upper body and in my legs . Then I had to help him up again about 7 : 30 a . m . Well , that time , it was not too late . Then I had to get ready a little later for my visit to the dentist . After breakfast , he wanted to go back to bed and I told him I would rather he stayed up at least until after I got back home from the dentist . So he did . My visit to the dentist was quite quick because he only had to remove the temporary crown and put on the permanent one . Needless to say , I am glad to be able to wear my lower partial again , and not have to go back to the dentist until time for my teeth to be cleaned . Of course , I had to go into Jefferson City to pick up some prescriptions and then back home . Oh , yes , I had put some Bio - freeze on his neck and shoulders this morning before I left for the dentist and put some more on after supper today . If you have never used this product , it is excellent for arthritis pain , and back pain , and also leg cramps at night . This is not a testimonial , but just the truth as far as I am concerned . It can be purchased at chiropractor 's offices or online . The main ingredient is menthol and probably Vicks salve would do the same thing for you , but I think the Bio - freeze has more menthol in it . I had to have my afternoon nap today to make up for the sleePosted by Hi , Y ' all , We are back home and beginning to rest up a little more . It seems we must have brought the rain with us when we returned home . I did get out today to do some running ( not literally , you understand . I wish I could literally run ! ) to New Market Post Office to pick up our mail which we had them hold for us ; to stop by the church and visit with one of our friends , Judy , who is secretary there ; to go to the drug store ; to refill the gas tank ; to pick up some groceries . I did get the clothes dried this morning , but they are still in the dryer . Don 't worry , they 'll not be too wrinkled . I 'll just hang them up and the wrinkles will fall out , or they won 't , but by the time we have them on , our bodies will press out the wrinkles . ha . My afternoon nap sure did feel good , too . I am beginning to really need the afternoon nap . Don 't most 75 year - olds take a mid day nap ? Of course , when one stays up the night before until 2 a . m . , playing on the computer , do they not need a nap the next day ? Gramps slept on a motel pillow on Monday night , instead of using the pillow we brought for him from home , so he woke up Tuesday morning ( and this morning ) with his neck and shoulders all stiff and sore . I had to help him out of bed twice during the night . Hope it doesn 't take him long to recover from it . He is not a little bitty fellow , and is not easy to help pull up to a sitting position . Tomorrow , I get to go back to my dentist and get the permanent crown put on my tooth . Mercy , I dread that ! Maybe it will be the last work I will have to have done for a long time ! Let us hope so ! I would like to put pics that Whitney took and put on her blog site of Gramps and I holding the newest member of their family , Ellie , who was adopted from Guatemala in January . She is adorable , and a lovely addition to the family . For more about her , just click on the link to the blogspot of Whitney . http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / Their whole history of the adoption is there and is quite inspiring to follow . Besides , there are lots of cute pictures anPosted by Hey , Y ' all , We arrived back in Knoxville today around 10 : 00 a . m . This morning at 5 a . m . , I awoke to hear Gramps taking a shower in the motel bathroom . About 10 minutes later , I hear a clattering from the bathroom . Many times , I have cautioned him to not hold on to shower rods when getting out of a shower to give him balance . Well , this time , it happened . Yep , he pulled down the shower rod ; it came out of the wall . After he had finished his shower , and had gotten dressed , I had to take a " spit bath " using the basin and then we packed everything ready to go , carried it out to the car , and then went down to the lobby for the free breakfast ( free in the sense that we didn 't have to pay any extra for it ) . It was pretty good , but not a Cracker Barrel competition , you understand . When I handed the room key in at the front desk , I told the desk clerk about the shower rod falling , and he said , " oh , my , did your husband get hurt ? " and I said , " No , thank goodness , it missed him by a hair . " Of course , he laughed and said , " good . " We left about 7 a . m . for Knoxville , in the midst of sprinkles of rain , which grew to a downpour as we progressed south . Not only was the rain difficult to drive in , my eyes wanted to close , because of my early hour of wakening , and the drumming of the rain on the car roof . After a while , I had overcome the desire to sleep , and was able to fully concentrate on traffic and driving . Thank you , Jesus ! I am posting some pictures that I took while in Illinois , of my family up there ( Daniel , our grandson ; his wife , Whitney ; their four children : Hannah 7 , Austin 5 , Noah 3 , and Ellie 2 . ) I am not in any of the pictures because I am the one behind the camera , you see . One of the pictures is of the family group plus Gramps ( minus me ) . Another one is of Daniel reading a Bible story to the two youngest , which he does every evening and then reads one to the older children . ( When he is at a meeting , Whitney does the reading and quiet time with them , if he cannot be in time for their bedtime ) . Daniel and Whitney have iPosted by Hey , Y ' all , After driving all day ( mostly ) we arrived in the lovely little town of Richmond , Ky . and are ensconced in the local Super 8 motel . We went to Wendy 's for supper of fast food . Dub has already gone to bed , but I am up watching my Monday night shows , and spending some time on my laptop . ( Do you remember when a laptop was actually a cover that you put on your legs to cover them from cool air ? Or a place you set a child to cuddle them ? ha ) I know one thing , my lap is not big enough or flat enough to hold a laptop computer and use it well ! We stopped in Indiana at Brownsburg , where we stayed going to Daniel 's and had lunch ( breakfast food ) at the Bob Evans where we ate when we stayed there . It happened to be at the right place on our way home , for eating lunch . We had a great time at Daniel and Whit 's and were treated royally while there . The children were so much fun and we did some fun things together . I had the chance ( and took it ) to read to the four of them and enjoyed it thoroughly ! I took them a craft to do and we did it together . The craft I took was some little suncatchers and the paint to paint them with . It was such an enjoyable activity . Gramps and I got to do a lot of snuggling with them , too . I will be posting some pictures after I get home and can download them from my camera to my regular computer . Gramps gets confused sometimes at night about where he is , and wound up twice in Whitney and Daniel 's bedroom , looking for the bathroom . They were very understanding ( of course ) and took it humorously . He just will not sometimes wake me up , when he gets up . We were privileged to attend the Sunday services at the church where Daniel is pastor , and to hear him preach . We are so very pleased that they have made a wonderful life in their community and they are living to serve the Lord , and are bringing up their children as they were raised , in fear and admonition of the Lord . Daniel 's sermon was about the transfiguration of Jesus , and the effect of the transfiguration on his disciples . Also , what the effPosted by Howdy , Y ' all , Well , we made it almost all the way to Dan 's house without having to call him , but as luck would have it , we ( I ) were ( was ) not sure of the final part of the journey , since Dub was reading the printed directions out loud and had not gotten to the last part of it before I chickened out . But , we were going the right way and could have made it without help . We were pleased to have him help us . We are having a delightful time playing with the great grandchildren and will have pictures when we get back to E . TN in a few days . They played with us , and then went outside to play after the two youngest took naps . We had a delicious supper prepared by Whitney and then the children took baths . After baths , the children came back in for evening activities . Here it is the next day ( Saturday ) and after a good night 's rest , every one is ready to take on a brand new day . Everyone has had breakfast and Daniel is working on his sermon for tomorrow , the children are playing with Gramps and Whitney is busy doing stuff . I got some really great pictures yesterday evening , but they will have to wait for downloading until we get back home . I am using my laptop computer right now , while I am waiting for whatever will come today in the way of activities . Tomorrow is church day and we will get to hear our grandson preach again . We are so very proud of him and Whitney in their service for the Lord and the way they are raising their four children . , Well , that is all for today . Got other things to do right now . May God 's peace and love reign in your hearts today . Bye now from Blabbin ' Grammy . Hey , Y ' all , Here we are in Brownsburg , Indiana . We traveled the distance of about 375 miles or so today from New Market . It didn 't take an awfully long time and was relatively without problems . Traffic was not bad , and the directions I printed off of AAA webpage were fairly clear . Tomorrow 's look to be really interesting , though . I will consider myself quite fortunate if I don 't get lost a couple of times . It is always when I get close to the destination that I have the most difficulty . We had had cereal at home this morning at 7 a . m . I had to then go out and clean and refill the hummingbird feeders before we loaded up the car . I have my cell phone turned off and hooked up to a charger so it won 't go out on me tomorrow . We stopped for lunch ( which turned out to be breakfast because that is what we ordered ) at the Cracker Barrel around noon . I had trouble finding the entrance to our motel . I could see the sign sticking up , but finding the entrance was something else again . I told Dub that it puts the Cracker Barrel locations to shame . ( You know how difficult finding the entrance to them can be ) Then after we got to the motel , we carried in stuff and rested for awhile . I made a few calls to let people who might be inerested that we had gotten in for the night . After we rested for a while , we went to a Bob Evans restaurant which is very close by , and had some supper . We are hoping to get a good nights rest and be ready to travel again in the morning . Dub is reading the paper and the tv is playing . I don 't think he can survive with out having the tv on . That is always the second thing he does when we come home from anywhere . It is the last thing to be turned off at night . I 'll bet if we didn 't have a tiv , our electric bill would be cut in half . ha . Well , that is all for tonight . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off . May you feel God 's peace and love in your heart always . See you tomorrow . Bye now . Hi , Y ' all , Well , we are getting excited about our upcoming trip to Illinois to visit our family that lives there . I have printed off AAA directions to their house , looked for a motel to stay at on our way , and one to stay at on the way home . We will be staying in their home while we are there . Of course , we will probably have to call them when we are almost there , because we will probably get lost . ha . I am really good at that sometimes . We went to Knoxville this morning to take Hugh , Imazo and Mae out to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel ( one of our favorite places to eat ) and after taking Hugh and Dub back to their home , Imazo , Mae and I went to Krogers so they could get some groceries . I got our laundry done yesterday , so that is out of the way . Tomorrow , I will be carrying off the trash to the dumpsters because we live out in the country and there is no trash pick - up out here . I just vacuumed the house , and all that kind of stuff , so the house will be clean when we return home . Tomorrow we will be packing for the trip and doing last minute decisions on " what to take " . We always take more clothes than we need , do you ? It is difficult to know for sure . Medicines are always one of those things we have to make sure to take with us . It seems the number of medications has always increased as the years roll by . Cleaning out the fridge before we carry off the trash is a necessity . Somehow or other , left overs seem to accumulate til the fridge gets a little crowded . Don 't you just hate to clean out the refrigerator ? I do . I may even sleep a little late tomorrow . Maybe until 8 a . m . if I can . For me , that is late , since I am usually awake by 6 : 30 or so . My mom never let any of us sleep late , so it is a lifetime habit of waking early and being out and doing . Each night , she would wind the alarm clock and say , " bedtime " and we would turn out the lights and go to bed . There was never any question of not going at that time . Next morning , it would be , " time to get up " , and out of bed we would roll and start the new day . Well , thatPosted by Howdy , You all , Just wanted to share with you the fact that Allie and Mark 's oldest daughter is in from California with her two children visiting and it has been wonderful to see them again . Kevin is almost three and Adam is close to being a year old . They are beautiful children and very well - behaved . Tanya is a really great mother to them . Their dad , Bryan , is an architect and couldn 't get away to come with them . The other day , when I was over there visiting , the kids were anxious to get into the swimming pool . So nothing to do , but put their bathing suits on , along with a life vest for Kevin and let them do their thing . Tanya kept a close rein on little Adam , and put him into a vest that was on Tanya . It was some kind of safety device that holds a baby in place in front of the mother , kind of like a front carrier back pack , only on the front instead of the back . Tanya 's sister , Jessie came over and swam with them as well . Mark and Allie are having a wonderful time being grandparents . It suits them very well . Yesterday evening , Allie cooked bratworst and hamburgers and had our friends , Gene and Judy ; Mark and Allie 's daughters , Jessie and Rachael ; Rachael 's fiance , and his two children ; Jennifer ( our honorary granddaughter , and Mark and Allie 's honorary daughter ) ; and me ; over for a meal . It was great fun ! Tanya has to leave on Tuesday , the day after the fourth daughter , Sarah , comes in from California as well . Sarah will be here for a week , but I will only get to see her a short time , since Dub and I will be leaving on Thursday for Illinois to see our grands and great grands . We can hardly wait . I have been doing laundry today so that we will have the clothes we want to wear . You know how one wears the same things all the time ( favorite clothes , you know ) . I have my laundry done , and Dub 's will be done before bedtime tonight . I took pictures of my roses this morning and they are beautiful , I think . I am posting today a picture of them , and also of Tanya and her children . I posted a picture of Allie holding Adam . We hPosted by Hi , there , this is Dub again , doing the last guest blog for a while . This picture is of my friend , J . W . , and his wife , Donella . They came to visit with us on Friday and Grammy took this picture as they were getting ready to leave . They were in town for a high school reunion . Growing up here in Jefferson City , my friend , J . W . and I went to movies and tried to go each Saturday for the double feature which was ususally a western . We sold chickens from his mother 's flock ( given to us by his mother ) to Shipe 's Grocery and earned money to go to the movies . One movie I remember that I demonstrated to my brother , Howard , showing him how the Indians attacked with tomahawks . I picked up the fire shovel and was waving it above my head . I knocked out overhead light in the living room . J . W . and I collected pasteboard wherever we could find it and worked for ten cents an hour trying to make enough money to go to the movies . We then sold the pasteboard to the local spring factory because they used pasteboard ( cardboard ) between the springs when they packed them for shipment . One of our pastimes was trying to see how far we could walk around the school on the protruding concrete edge of the school foundation . We held on to windows while we were doing this . Eventually we would get to a part of the school that had no windows . We would then have to let go and jump off . Another one of my many antics was when they were putting light poles around on the streets of Jefferson City . The holes were quite deep . I was still in grammar school at the time . I decided I would drop down into one and check it out . I found it was deeper than I thought . I was embarrassed , scared , and after several attempts to get out , I found out that by bracing my feet on either side of the hole , I could push myself up til I could get close enough to the top to get out . This was not the last time I found myself in a tough spot , but God has helped me out many times . Thought for the day : Proverbs 1 : 7 " The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge ; but fools despise wPosted by Hey there , this is Dub again , pinch hitting for Grammy . When I was in high school , I worked for Shel Emert , down on the creek , chopping out willow sprouts and he would come and get me on his horse to take me to his house for dinner . I got to ride the horse and it was great fun . His wife , Love , had been a teacher of mine , and I had it made , because she liked me . It is said that Shel was a horse trader . They were one time dragging a dead horse off to put in a hole on his property . We went by a fence row , and there was a black snake that scared the horse pulling the wagon that we were in ( scared me too ) . Shel finally got the horse calmed down , and we took the horse we were dragging , and put it in the hole . The old - time sawmills in Saw Mill holler made saw dust piles and we went down and played in those piles of sawdust . We watched the workers split logs into slabs . It was exciting for us to watch them . They brought the logs down the hill on trucks and would roll them down the hill and would catch them with hooks and move them into the saw mill , then saw them into slabs . I caught some crawdads for my high school biology class so we could dissect them . It was fun . On the way to Mossy Creek there was a hackberry tree we had to go under . It was a straight path to Mossy Creek . The first person to go under the limb would get to swing up onto it and hide . Then he could fool the others that came looking for him . Part of the fun was having a Catawba ball fight . They were sticky and would stick to the person they hit . We would play fox and hound at night near the school because we lived right near it . We had cow pile smashing , because there were pasture fields nearby . If someone got near a pile , they would throw a rock into it and splash it on those unsuspecting others who happened to be nearby . We had home preaching from Carson - Newman preachers who came into our homes . Everyone listened to the Midday Merry go Round on the radio and we had the first stereos ever heard by this means , because everyone 's windows were open . This was Posted by Hi , there , well , here I am again as a guest blogger ( Grammy 's husband , W . B . also known as Dub ) writing some more about my early growing up years in Jefferson City . Up the creek we went possum hunting and had a place up that way where there was a pond we called the " round pond " and we also skated on that pond when it froze over in the winter . It was not very deep , but probably deep enough to drown in . The terrapins made big round circles in the water . We gathered walnuts and hickory nuts up at the head of Mossy Creek in fields that were unoccupied . Walking back through fields to go home , we came through Shel Emert 's field where he kept his cows . He had a Jersey bull that made us drop our sacks and scoot across the foot log that crossed the creek and the bull started butting the walnut sack . We went back later and got the sack of walnuts . We also picked blackberries and wild grapes and chestnuts along the creek . I found a nest of turtles in the creek and got all of them out of the hole and ran a piece of wire through their legs , put them on a pole and carried them home . I cleaned them and fried them . Nearly every one of us got sick . Up at the head of the creek , there was a place we called the " blue hole " . It was a round deep hole of water . We never knew where it came from or why it was there . It was very deep and the water was very blue looking . We went fishing in it and caught one . It was a surprise to us that we caught it . There was a spring down from our house in which we cooled watermelons , milk and butter . It also had water cress growing in it , which are very good to eat . One time Howard was standing near the water and was looking up . He said , " Look at the little yellow bird " , and was not watching where he stepped and he fell into the water . After that we called him little yellow bird . He didn 't care too much for that . We hunted for arrow heads in the land around us around Mossy Creek and found several . It was on Shel Emert 's land that we found them . There were some near drownings and deaths from swimming in the mGrammy Guest Blogger for Today is my husband , Dub ( W . B . ) Hi there , I 'd like to tell you some of my memories of growing up in Jefferson City . We moved to Jefferson City when I was three months old , and my dad was a miner who worked in the zinc mines , shoveling zinc ore . When I was three years old , some rocks fell on him and injured him . He lived a short time after that . I never really knew him . I had an older brother , Howard , and an older sister , Johnnie , and a younger sister , Bonnie , who was only a little more than a year old when our dad died . When he died , the zinc mines paid my mother insurance money , and we used that money to build a small four room house , near the Carson - Newman College , and near Mossy Creek ( only about a block and a half away ) , and there was enough left over for some other needs . My first knowledge of life in Jefferson City involved a Maltese cat who did his business on my gray overcoat My brother , Howard , took the cat and threw it into Mossy Creek . The cat returned home looking pretty , clean and healthy . I don 't know what happened to the cat after that . We may have thrown the coat away after the cat messed it up . I don 't recall for sure . We went fishing in Mossy Creek and caught suckers and minnows and rode a paddle boat on Mossy Creek that belonged to someone else . We rode from where we got on it down to the mill race and then had to turn it around and come back home . We paddled it up to the head of the creek and had to go under a railroad bridge that was just culverts and duck our heads and go on . We also went swimming in the old mine hole at the quarry . One time , when I didn 't know how to swim , we had a little part of the water that was shallow where we went when we couldn 't swim . We crawled around and got some motions of swimming and as we got more experience , we would move out a little farther . This area was called " Little Bitty " because of the little bitty kids that learned in it . One time when I almost drowned was when I jumped on a water - soaked log which was between Little Bitty and a rock croPosted by Howdy , You all , We went to Knoxville yesterday morning ( left here at 6 : 10 a . m . ) to take Imazo to the outpatient surgery for her cataract surgery . I had thought to take her and leave Hugh at his house with Dub , but he had plans to be with her , so the three of us went and left Dub alone at the house . We left about 7 a . m . and of course , it only took about 5 minutes or so to arrive at the surgery . About 10 a . m . , the surgery was over and Imazo had done just fine and we were able to take her back home . Since no one had had breakfast , we stopped at Burger King and picked up breakfast and took it back to their house for a morning repast . By around 12 : 00 we were all feeling the effects of the early morning hours , and Imazo lay down for a good nap , and the other three of us went out on the front porch to talk and watch traffic and the birds . Hugh and Imazo have a bird bath and I brought some fresh water out and filled it . What fun it was , watching the birds come and flit around in it and flipping their wings ! I sat on the porch in the warm breeze and before I knew it , I was drowsing , so I went inside and took a lying down rest on the living room couch . About 3 : 00 p . m . I took Dub with me and we went to the drug store , the Pizza Hut ( to pick up supper ) and on to the grocery store for some food items for them . When we got back , we put away the groceries and then chowed down on Meat Lover 's Pizza . Yum ! Love that crust on Pizza Hut 's pizza . No one can do Pizza like they can . Dub and I left about 6 p . m . and motored home , pleased that we could do this small thing for our brother and sister ( in law ) . She is more a real sister than in - law . We are hoping to take them up to Ohio to visit her sister , Lois , in September . We are also looking forward to visiting our family in Illinois very shortly . We can hardly wait . Oh , yes , when we got home last evening , I checked my e - mail and found a reply to my letter to AT & T . It seems they have finally fixed my account so that the payment for this month is much lower and the one for next month will be Grammy Howdy , folks ! Just got back from the grocery store and Dub finished putting groceries away for us . Shopping for groceries always seems to take the starch out of me , and so I headed for the computer room and my computer chair . I couldn 't sleep last night when I went to bed , so I got up and played computer games until about 3 a . m . then went to bed . Unfortunately , the need to sleep has just hit me , but I will resist until I can resist no longer . ( or nap at the computer ) . Sometimes I do that . Well , I called the AT & T offices this morning and I think I have it all straightened out . We will see when I get the new bill in September . Can you believe it is so close to Autumn ? While I was at the grocery store , I saw someone that I hadn 't seen in several years and we had to catch up on what had been happening to family since seeing each other . This was a woman who had gone to school with Carol and Teresa . She was telling me how her sister , Sue 's , husband had died two weeks ago . Not exactly how he died , but that he had . Her parents have alzheimers , and also her aunt is not well . She spends her time between them and doesn 't have a lot of time for herself . It is always great to see old friends again . We hugged each other , I gave her my phone number and we were both on our way . Our grass outside is so very dry and we are hoping for rain this evening . We will be getting up early in the morning to take Imazo to the hospital to have cataract surgery in one of her eyes . Well , my eyes are shutting down in spite of myself . More later . May you be aware of God 's blessings on each of you ! Bye for now from Blabbin ' Grammy . Howdy , you all , Went back to the dentist today , and had another impression made ( I 'm very impressionable , you know ) for one of my crowns . One of the permanent ones that he was not satisfied with the way it fit , so we did a do - over today . Last week , I got to wear my lower partial and then had to give it up again today to have it sent off with the impression of my tooth that it fits over . Not a bad visit at all . We went to Knoxville yesterday and had lunch with Hugh , Imazo and Mae at Shoney 's . One of our favorite places to eat . After lunch , we went back to Hugh 's and sat around talking ( other than eating , one of the things we do best ) . I passed on the information about our brother , John , who lives in Phoenix with his wife , Darlene , and their son , Mark . John is the youngest of the family and also has congestive heart failure just as Hugh and I have , but his is much worse than ours ( not saying a lot for ours even ) . Anyway , then we got to talking about Magnolia Avenue in Knoxville and some of the buildings and businesses that have changed hands and disappeared from existance . One of them is the Park Theatre . Dub and I used to go to Knoxville and go to the movies there . First we would go to Weaver 's Restaurant on the corner of Prosser and Magnolia . Mmmmm , such good food they had there . Good home cooking and we were never disappointed in it . Another place we used to go was the Cherry Park - In which was on the corner of Cherry Street and Magnolia . They had the best sandwiches and made some of the best banana splits we ever indulged in . We also used to stop at the Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop just a little ways past Cherry Street on Magnolia . On our way home from visiting Hugh and Imazo or Mae and Bill or Ralph and Thelma , we would turn left on Magnolia and stop at Krispy Kreme and take home a dozen warm oozy yummy doughnuts , fresh from their ovens . A business that my brother , Ralph , used to live next to , was Swan 's bakery . He worked there and would often take home fresh hot bread right from the pans . That probably didn 't do hiPosted by Father of the bride , and bride . Howdy , You all , Weddings traditionally begin with the words , " Dearly Beloved " and that is how last evening 's wedding between my grandneice , Tiffany , and her groom , Sam , began . It was a beautiful ceremony and the bride was lovely and her groom was handsome . When we hear those words , we are reminded of other weddings we have attended , including our own . We see the young hopefuls beginning their life together and pray that their life will be one that truly becomes one life , with two partners working together and making Christ the center of their oneness . The setting for the gathering was back in a wooded area in a FOP Lodge , very quiet with lots of room for people to enjoy seeing one another and helping the couple to celebrate their new life together . Tiffany is the great granddaughter of my oldest brother , Bill , ( deceased ) and his widow , Mae . My sister - in - law , Imazo , and I traveled the few miles to the Lodge , and only got lost a couple of times . It is not the first time I have driven somewhere that I didn 't know exactly the destination . ha . Between us , we found it . We got to see a lot of people we didn 't know and also several that we did know . It was great fun . Imazo and I left soon after the wedding , and didn 't stay for the reception , because I don 't see too well to drive after dark and don 't like to drive after dark in unfamiliar territory , and she doesn 't drive at all . My brother , Hugh , and my husband did not attend , but stayed at Hugh 's . After we got back to Hugh 's and Imazo 's , I took the four of us down to Shoney 's ( familiar territory ) for dessert . We were able to sit comfortably and enjoyed talking about the wedding and how beautifully the Lodge was decorated and how cute the kids were , especially Bryson , Mae 's great grandson , was in his little tuxedo . The best picture I got was of the wedding cake . Somehow , my camera had trouble capturing pictures inside the Lodge , because of the lighting , and I am still trying to learn how to use it well . Howdy , You All , I was talking with my brother , Hugh , yesterday about our dad , and what a character he was . So I decided to dedicate my blog today to stories about him . Our dad , James Campbell , was born the oldest of eight children . He was born in 1896 and they were living at the time in the Sequatchie Valley area of Tennessee . He had a wonderful sense of humor and loved to tell stories , quite often laughing as he told them , because they were ususally funny . Hugh was telling me how Dad had once told him about the time our grandfather decided they would go visit his dad . I think he said Dad must have been about 7 or 8 at the time they went . So our Grandpa hitched up the horse and wagon , loaded Granny and the kids up into the wagon and took off for the visit . They traveled ( very slowly , of course ) for about 2 and 1 / 2 days , camping out each night . When they finally reached Dad 's grandfather 's , his dad pulled up into the yard , and hollered , " Hello , the house ! " . They went in , and visited that night , and then the next morning , they said good - bye , hitched up the wagon , and left , traveling back home for another 2 and 1 / 2 days . Dad said , in relating the story , that was the only time he ever saw his grandfather . Dad and Mom met when Dad was about 21 . He and his family were living in Loudon , and she saw him walking along and saw the sun shining on his blond hair and how handsome he was . Right then and there , she " set her cap for him " . They were married a year later , when she was seventeen , and he was twenty - two . He since told us that he only finished eighth grade because he had to work on the farm and help his dad and mom . His dad was kind of a " jack - of - all - trades " and carpenter . His dad also liked his alcohol , and was not a great example for his sons . Some of his sons became drinkers , but my mom told my dad that if they were going to be married , he would not be touching alcohol . My dad took her at her word , and left alcohol alone . His brothers were all good hearted and eventually stopped drinking , and became good citizens . Dad wasPosted by Howdy , Friends ! Tomorrow is the twenty - first birthday of our granddaughter , Emily , who is also my namesake ( same middle name ) and the only namesake I have . Emily is so very dear to us and a darling young woman . She is currently studying art in a university and is very talented , don 't you know ! Emily makes top - notch grades , too . She is the youngest child of four , and she was the only girl born into the family until our great grandchild , Hannah , was born just seven years ago , who is also her niece . When we go to visit our daughter , Emily 's mom , Emily is usually the one to very generously give up her room for us to sleep in . Of course , we appreciate it so very much . Emily is not only talented , she is kind and thoughtful , as well . We always look forward to seeing her and spending time with her . She has a marvelous sense of humor and smiles easily . She is also very intelligent and charming . Most of all , she is a Christian who lives out her faith . We are extremely proud of the young lady she has become . The picture here is of her trying on a western hat that Dub brought to her . We love you , Emily ! Happy Birthday to you ! This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the day . God Bless you all . Hidy Do , Friends ! I have been looking at and sorting through dusty quilt pieces this morning and have just about sneezed myself out . I am allergic to dust , and am hoping that the sneezing doesn 't turn into an asthma attack . These are quilt pieces that had been cut out some time ago by my sister , Margaret , who passed on to her reward a little over seven months ago . Let me do a little philosphizing ( sp ? ) here . When she passed away , it became the responsibility of my brother , Hugh ; his wife , Imazo ; and me ; to empty out her one - room apartment . My husband , Dub , helped where he could by helping to carry stuff . Margaret was born in 1925 during the middle of the Depression years and consequently learned the value of thriftiness . Needless to say , she never ever threw anything away that " might be of use later on " . If you have never had the occasion or need to clean out a space vacated by someone 's passing , you have really missed a chore . She had stuff packed back and away in every conceivable space in that tiny room where she lived : under the bed , in drawers , in bookcases , in storage containers , in suitcases , in shelves , in trunks , in footlockers , in boxes , in bags . You get the idea , by now , I am sure . There were oodlings of quilting stuff , which I went through some while we were there ( on one of many trips ) , and then brought home with me in 8 large under - the - bed boxes , which I later went through at home and winnowed them down to 5 such boxes . Margaret lived on a small fixed income , and because of needing to scrape and save , she even washed the plastic baggies like food is put into and stored them in a cabinet drawer for reuse . We found food leftovers that she had saved . She had more clothes stored in her closets than she could ever have worn ; some looked like they should have been discarded some time past . Some had never been worn ; she was probably " saving them " for special occasions . Imazo had worked at Proffits and had bought some of them for Margaret . All this brings me to observe that when someone comes in to clean and cGrammy My husband and I have an honorary granddaughter , Jennifer , from whom we heard today and she tells us she will be returning from Taiwan , where she lives , to go to school again at Carson - Newman College . We first met Jennifer about twelve years ago , when she was about twelve or thirteen . My mind is a little fuzzy when it comes to remembering exact dates and ages . She was an eighth grader and her younger brother , Nelson , was a fifth grader and their father , Daniel , was a student taking courses in English at C - N so that he could get a degree in English and teach it in Taiwan and win students to Christ . His family : Jean , his wife , his children , Jennifer and Nelson , are all Christians . He had brought them with him so that they could have the advantage of some schooling in the United States and they lived with him in one of the apartments on campus . I had become acqainted with Daniel at my church when he came to worship and he asked if I would tutor his children in English , and since I was retired from teaching in the public school , I took on the task , and loved it . I grew to love Jennifer and Nelson and Daniel . I tutored them all of that school year and then they went back to Taiwan at the end of the school year . In the year 2000 , in February , I went to visit her and her family in Taiwan , and it was a wonderful two weeks where I was steeped in the culture of that country . I was priviledged to meet her family members while I was there , and got to meet her real grandparents and her aunts , uncles , cousins . In the autumn of 2000 , Jennifer came back and was an exchange student and lived with Mark and Allie during her Junior year in our local High School . She chose then to live with Dub and me during her Senior year . We had so much fun together that year . I made breakfast for her each morning , took her and picked up Mark and Allie 's girls most mornings and picked them up after school . We baked pies together , cooked meals together , got up in the middle of the night to watch the asteroid showers in the sky , worked on her homeworkGrammy Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy ! |
Hey , Y ' all , Well , it is a Sunday afternoon , and I 'm not doing much of anything today . Did some laundry about 9 a . m . and put it in the dryer . It is very quiet here , and I have been playing a computer game . It is one that I have played many times and been defeated many times . It is called 7 Wonders II . I play it until I get tired of being told " you have failed to build the wonder . " The player gets 4 chances to build , and there are several levels that one goes through to build it . Of course there are seven wonders to build . I have built them all two times and am working on the third time to build them all . Gramps is still in bed . He is now able to get up by himself without any help from me , so he is progressing . I will probably go in after while and insist that he arise from his bed of ease . , and have some breakfast at 4 in the afternoon . Of course , we didn 't go to church this morning , and I know it will make the day seem even longer , as well as causing the week to seem longer . They are having a cookout at the community center , and we won 't make that either . I put a tender chuck roast into the crock pot last night and it is yummy . It cooked all night . I had two sandwiches of it for lunch ( with mayo ) . I may make some vegetable beef soup with the rest of it for tomorrow . Then maybe make some cornbread to eat with it . Mmmm , good to eat any time . Update on brother John in Phoenix . As of last evening he was still in the hospital . They were administering a 24 - hour iv drip to help his heart . They had cleared up the blood in his sputum , so that was to the good . Not much shaking here today . I may work on the quilt pieces today . I haven 't decided yet . I do have to water the flowers some time today . I have already put the car in the layby area of the yard so that I can pull the water hose down through the carport without any obstruction . The roses require a lot of water , so I try to water them every other day , if we have no rain . I water the flowers on the porch at the same time . There is good television on the Hallmark Channel oPosted by Hey , Y ' all , We ( Gramps and I ) want to wish several people a Happy Birthday ! This weekend , three people very dear to us have a birthday ; actually , three of our grandchildren do . Our Grandson , Will ( also known as B . J . ) turns 23 this weekend ; our honorary granddaughter , Jennifer turns 25 ( ? ) this weekend ; and our Grandson , Daniel , has a 31st birthday on Monday . Three wonderful young people and very important in our lives and in the lives of others . Will is the son of our daughter , Teresa , and ex - husband , Bill , and step - son of her husband , Tom , and is an airman in the U . S . Air Force in California . Will has a cute little wife named Natasha , and an adorable baby girl named Alyssa , who is 8 months old . Jennifer is our honorary granddaughter from Taiwan and is a graduate student at Carson - Newman in Jefferson City . Daniel is our grandson who lives in Illinois with his wife , Whitney , and four children , Hannah , Austin , Noah , and Ellie . He is the pastor of a Bethany Community Church , and is the son of our daughter , Carol and her husband , Daryl . We are so very proud of all three of them and wish them the best in the year to come . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , Y ' ALL ! WE LOVE YOU ! Update on Gramps . . He still has a stiff neck , but I think it is getting a little bit better . His head still hurts , but I think it is from his neck muscles . We had a little better night last night , and he is up ( for the day , I hope ) . He was up at 7 : 30 this morning . We may go out on the porch after while and enjoy the morning fresh air . Haven 't heard any more about John yet . Will update you when I can . This is about all for today from Blabbin ' Grammy . I may try to do some quilt piecing today . ( maybe ) . Thought for today : " if you can 't say something good to somebody or about somebody , keep your mouth closed " . ( my version of that old saying ) Bye for now . God blesses us each even when we don 't know it . Posted by Hey , Y ' all , It was a rocky night last night . Gramps couldn 't get out of bed on his own , because of the crick ( or whatever it is ) in his neck and shoulders . So we stayed up for quite a while and I told him that he needed to sleep in his chair in the living room for awhile . I stayed up at my computer and played games until about 4 a . m . and figured we could safely go to bed around that time . I went in to the living room about almost 4 and found him lying in the floor with his blanket , and got him up and we got him into bed after a bathroom visit . Then we both went to sleep and then were up around 7 : 30 this morning . We had breakfast and then he went back to sleep and i got busy with things that had to be done . So he spent the all morning and into the afternoon sleeping . He is now moving better and can mostly get out of bed on his own with a few instructions from yours truly . So , I believe he is on the mend . We spent a while on the front porch this afternoon watching the bees drink the hummingbird food and also the hummingbirds sharing the feeders with them . Gramps said he saw a bird yesterday at the bird bath and the bird had approached it cautiously , I guess trying to decide what to do with it . I still say we should go out and demonstrate its use to the birds . ha . An update on John : we talked to Darlene last night and then today Hugh called her to find out more of John 's situation . He is still in the hospital through tonight . He was coughing up blood in his sputum , and they seemed to think it was because he had been using more oxygen than he needed . He had turned it up to a five on the valve , which apparently was more than he needed . I am hoping he will have a good night 's sleep tonight ( and that we will also ) . Today has been a very laid back day and I expect tomorrow will be too . We had a root beer float for supper along with our small DeGiorno 's pizza . It was sooooooooo good . It has been a while since we had had a root beer float . There is nothing like it in the summer time . It really hit the spot . Well , this is allGrammy Hey , Y ' all ! We are settling back into our usual routine today . Yesterday was kind of a day of rest - well , I guess today was kind of like that too . We are never really running around a lot . Gramps still has a crick in his neck and shoulders and couldn 't get out of bed easily last night . So , at around 2 a . m . when he needed to get up for a bathroom visit , he didn 't wake me up until it was too late . I had to help him out of bed when I turned over and saw he was trying to get up . Then I had to change the wet sheets and mattress pad . Have you ever done that at 2 : 15 or 2 : 30 in the morning ? I had to literally pull him to his feet ( not easy to pull a six - foot tall person to his feet when you are only 5 ' 2 " ) It is a good thing that I have a lot of strength in my upper body and in my legs . Then I had to help him up again about 7 : 30 a . m . Well , that time , it was not too late . Then I had to get ready a little later for my visit to the dentist . After breakfast , he wanted to go back to bed and I told him I would rather he stayed up at least until after I got back home from the dentist . So he did . My visit to the dentist was quite quick because he only had to remove the temporary crown and put on the permanent one . Needless to say , I am glad to be able to wear my lower partial again , and not have to go back to the dentist until time for my teeth to be cleaned . Of course , I had to go into Jefferson City to pick up some prescriptions and then back home . Oh , yes , I had put some Bio - freeze on his neck and shoulders this morning before I left for the dentist and put some more on after supper today . If you have never used this product , it is excellent for arthritis pain , and back pain , and also leg cramps at night . This is not a testimonial , but just the truth as far as I am concerned . It can be purchased at chiropractor 's offices or online . The main ingredient is menthol and probably Vicks salve would do the same thing for you , but I think the Bio - freeze has more menthol in it . I had to have my afternoon nap today to make up for the sleePosted by Hi , Y ' all , We are back home and beginning to rest up a little more . It seems we must have brought the rain with us when we returned home . I did get out today to do some running ( not literally , you understand . I wish I could literally run ! ) to New Market Post Office to pick up our mail which we had them hold for us ; to stop by the church and visit with one of our friends , Judy , who is secretary there ; to go to the drug store ; to refill the gas tank ; to pick up some groceries . I did get the clothes dried this morning , but they are still in the dryer . Don 't worry , they 'll not be too wrinkled . I 'll just hang them up and the wrinkles will fall out , or they won 't , but by the time we have them on , our bodies will press out the wrinkles . ha . My afternoon nap sure did feel good , too . I am beginning to really need the afternoon nap . Don 't most 75 year - olds take a mid day nap ? Of course , when one stays up the night before until 2 a . m . , playing on the computer , do they not need a nap the next day ? Gramps slept on a motel pillow on Monday night , instead of using the pillow we brought for him from home , so he woke up Tuesday morning ( and this morning ) with his neck and shoulders all stiff and sore . I had to help him out of bed twice during the night . Hope it doesn 't take him long to recover from it . He is not a little bitty fellow , and is not easy to help pull up to a sitting position . Tomorrow , I get to go back to my dentist and get the permanent crown put on my tooth . Mercy , I dread that ! Maybe it will be the last work I will have to have done for a long time ! Let us hope so ! I would like to put pics that Whitney took and put on her blog site of Gramps and I holding the newest member of their family , Ellie , who was adopted from Guatemala in January . She is adorable , and a lovely addition to the family . For more about her , just click on the link to the blogspot of Whitney . http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / Their whole history of the adoption is there and is quite inspiring to follow . Besides , there are lots of cute pictures anPosted by Hey , Y ' all , We arrived back in Knoxville today around 10 : 00 a . m . This morning at 5 a . m . , I awoke to hear Gramps taking a shower in the motel bathroom . About 10 minutes later , I hear a clattering from the bathroom . Many times , I have cautioned him to not hold on to shower rods when getting out of a shower to give him balance . Well , this time , it happened . Yep , he pulled down the shower rod ; it came out of the wall . After he had finished his shower , and had gotten dressed , I had to take a " spit bath " using the basin and then we packed everything ready to go , carried it out to the car , and then went down to the lobby for the free breakfast ( free in the sense that we didn 't have to pay any extra for it ) . It was pretty good , but not a Cracker Barrel competition , you understand . When I handed the room key in at the front desk , I told the desk clerk about the shower rod falling , and he said , " oh , my , did your husband get hurt ? " and I said , " No , thank goodness , it missed him by a hair . " Of course , he laughed and said , " good . " We left about 7 a . m . for Knoxville , in the midst of sprinkles of rain , which grew to a downpour as we progressed south . Not only was the rain difficult to drive in , my eyes wanted to close , because of my early hour of wakening , and the drumming of the rain on the car roof . After a while , I had overcome the desire to sleep , and was able to fully concentrate on traffic and driving . Thank you , Jesus ! I am posting some pictures that I took while in Illinois , of my family up there ( Daniel , our grandson ; his wife , Whitney ; their four children : Hannah 7 , Austin 5 , Noah 3 , and Ellie 2 . ) I am not in any of the pictures because I am the one behind the camera , you see . One of the pictures is of the family group plus Gramps ( minus me ) . Another one is of Daniel reading a Bible story to the two youngest , which he does every evening and then reads one to the older children . ( When he is at a meeting , Whitney does the reading and quiet time with them , if he cannot be in time for their bedtime ) . Daniel and Whitney have iPosted by Hey , Y ' all , After driving all day ( mostly ) we arrived in the lovely little town of Richmond , Ky . and are ensconced in the local Super 8 motel . We went to Wendy 's for supper of fast food . Dub has already gone to bed , but I am up watching my Monday night shows , and spending some time on my laptop . ( Do you remember when a laptop was actually a cover that you put on your legs to cover them from cool air ? Or a place you set a child to cuddle them ? ha ) I know one thing , my lap is not big enough or flat enough to hold a laptop computer and use it well ! We stopped in Indiana at Brownsburg , where we stayed going to Daniel 's and had lunch ( breakfast food ) at the Bob Evans where we ate when we stayed there . It happened to be at the right place on our way home , for eating lunch . We had a great time at Daniel and Whit 's and were treated royally while there . The children were so much fun and we did some fun things together . I had the chance ( and took it ) to read to the four of them and enjoyed it thoroughly ! I took them a craft to do and we did it together . The craft I took was some little suncatchers and the paint to paint them with . It was such an enjoyable activity . Gramps and I got to do a lot of snuggling with them , too . I will be posting some pictures after I get home and can download them from my camera to my regular computer . Gramps gets confused sometimes at night about where he is , and wound up twice in Whitney and Daniel 's bedroom , looking for the bathroom . They were very understanding ( of course ) and took it humorously . He just will not sometimes wake me up , when he gets up . We were privileged to attend the Sunday services at the church where Daniel is pastor , and to hear him preach . We are so very pleased that they have made a wonderful life in their community and they are living to serve the Lord , and are bringing up their children as they were raised , in fear and admonition of the Lord . Daniel 's sermon was about the transfiguration of Jesus , and the effect of the transfiguration on his disciples . Also , what the effPosted by Howdy , Y ' all , Well , we made it almost all the way to Dan 's house without having to call him , but as luck would have it , we ( I ) were ( was ) not sure of the final part of the journey , since Dub was reading the printed directions out loud and had not gotten to the last part of it before I chickened out . But , we were going the right way and could have made it without help . We were pleased to have him help us . We are having a delightful time playing with the great grandchildren and will have pictures when we get back to E . TN in a few days . They played with us , and then went outside to play after the two youngest took naps . We had a delicious supper prepared by Whitney and then the children took baths . After baths , the children came back in for evening activities . Here it is the next day ( Saturday ) and after a good night 's rest , every one is ready to take on a brand new day . Everyone has had breakfast and Daniel is working on his sermon for tomorrow , the children are playing with Gramps and Whitney is busy doing stuff . I got some really great pictures yesterday evening , but they will have to wait for downloading until we get back home . I am using my laptop computer right now , while I am waiting for whatever will come today in the way of activities . Tomorrow is church day and we will get to hear our grandson preach again . We are so very proud of him and Whitney in their service for the Lord and the way they are raising their four children . , Well , that is all for today . Got other things to do right now . May God 's peace and love reign in your hearts today . Bye now from Blabbin ' Grammy . Hey , Y ' all , Here we are in Brownsburg , Indiana . We traveled the distance of about 375 miles or so today from New Market . It didn 't take an awfully long time and was relatively without problems . Traffic was not bad , and the directions I printed off of AAA webpage were fairly clear . Tomorrow 's look to be really interesting , though . I will consider myself quite fortunate if I don 't get lost a couple of times . It is always when I get close to the destination that I have the most difficulty . We had had cereal at home this morning at 7 a . m . I had to then go out and clean and refill the hummingbird feeders before we loaded up the car . I have my cell phone turned off and hooked up to a charger so it won 't go out on me tomorrow . We stopped for lunch ( which turned out to be breakfast because that is what we ordered ) at the Cracker Barrel around noon . I had trouble finding the entrance to our motel . I could see the sign sticking up , but finding the entrance was something else again . I told Dub that it puts the Cracker Barrel locations to shame . ( You know how difficult finding the entrance to them can be ) Then after we got to the motel , we carried in stuff and rested for awhile . I made a few calls to let people who might be inerested that we had gotten in for the night . After we rested for a while , we went to a Bob Evans restaurant which is very close by , and had some supper . We are hoping to get a good nights rest and be ready to travel again in the morning . Dub is reading the paper and the tv is playing . I don 't think he can survive with out having the tv on . That is always the second thing he does when we come home from anywhere . It is the last thing to be turned off at night . I 'll bet if we didn 't have a tiv , our electric bill would be cut in half . ha . Well , that is all for tonight . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off . May you feel God 's peace and love in your heart always . See you tomorrow . Bye now . Hi , Y ' all , Well , we are getting excited about our upcoming trip to Illinois to visit our family that lives there . I have printed off AAA directions to their house , looked for a motel to stay at on our way , and one to stay at on the way home . We will be staying in their home while we are there . Of course , we will probably have to call them when we are almost there , because we will probably get lost . ha . I am really good at that sometimes . We went to Knoxville this morning to take Hugh , Imazo and Mae out to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel ( one of our favorite places to eat ) and after taking Hugh and Dub back to their home , Imazo , Mae and I went to Krogers so they could get some groceries . I got our laundry done yesterday , so that is out of the way . Tomorrow , I will be carrying off the trash to the dumpsters because we live out in the country and there is no trash pick - up out here . I just vacuumed the house , and all that kind of stuff , so the house will be clean when we return home . Tomorrow we will be packing for the trip and doing last minute decisions on " what to take " . We always take more clothes than we need , do you ? It is difficult to know for sure . Medicines are always one of those things we have to make sure to take with us . It seems the number of medications has always increased as the years roll by . Cleaning out the fridge before we carry off the trash is a necessity . Somehow or other , left overs seem to accumulate til the fridge gets a little crowded . Don 't you just hate to clean out the refrigerator ? I do . I may even sleep a little late tomorrow . Maybe until 8 a . m . if I can . For me , that is late , since I am usually awake by 6 : 30 or so . My mom never let any of us sleep late , so it is a lifetime habit of waking early and being out and doing . Each night , she would wind the alarm clock and say , " bedtime " and we would turn out the lights and go to bed . There was never any question of not going at that time . Next morning , it would be , " time to get up " , and out of bed we would roll and start the new day . Well , thatPosted by Howdy , You all , Just wanted to share with you the fact that Allie and Mark 's oldest daughter is in from California with her two children visiting and it has been wonderful to see them again . Kevin is almost three and Adam is close to being a year old . They are beautiful children and very well - behaved . Tanya is a really great mother to them . Their dad , Bryan , is an architect and couldn 't get away to come with them . The other day , when I was over there visiting , the kids were anxious to get into the swimming pool . So nothing to do , but put their bathing suits on , along with a life vest for Kevin and let them do their thing . Tanya kept a close rein on little Adam , and put him into a vest that was on Tanya . It was some kind of safety device that holds a baby in place in front of the mother , kind of like a front carrier back pack , only on the front instead of the back . Tanya 's sister , Jessie came over and swam with them as well . Mark and Allie are having a wonderful time being grandparents . It suits them very well . Yesterday evening , Allie cooked bratworst and hamburgers and had our friends , Gene and Judy ; Mark and Allie 's daughters , Jessie and Rachael ; Rachael 's fiance , and his two children ; Jennifer ( our honorary granddaughter , and Mark and Allie 's honorary daughter ) ; and me ; over for a meal . It was great fun ! Tanya has to leave on Tuesday , the day after the fourth daughter , Sarah , comes in from California as well . Sarah will be here for a week , but I will only get to see her a short time , since Dub and I will be leaving on Thursday for Illinois to see our grands and great grands . We can hardly wait . I have been doing laundry today so that we will have the clothes we want to wear . You know how one wears the same things all the time ( favorite clothes , you know ) . I have my laundry done , and Dub 's will be done before bedtime tonight . I took pictures of my roses this morning and they are beautiful , I think . I am posting today a picture of them , and also of Tanya and her children . I posted a picture of Allie holding Adam . We hPosted by Hi , there , this is Dub again , doing the last guest blog for a while . This picture is of my friend , J . W . , and his wife , Donella . They came to visit with us on Friday and Grammy took this picture as they were getting ready to leave . They were in town for a high school reunion . Growing up here in Jefferson City , my friend , J . W . and I went to movies and tried to go each Saturday for the double feature which was ususally a western . We sold chickens from his mother 's flock ( given to us by his mother ) to Shipe 's Grocery and earned money to go to the movies . One movie I remember that I demonstrated to my brother , Howard , showing him how the Indians attacked with tomahawks . I picked up the fire shovel and was waving it above my head . I knocked out overhead light in the living room . J . W . and I collected pasteboard wherever we could find it and worked for ten cents an hour trying to make enough money to go to the movies . We then sold the pasteboard to the local spring factory because they used pasteboard ( cardboard ) between the springs when they packed them for shipment . One of our pastimes was trying to see how far we could walk around the school on the protruding concrete edge of the school foundation . We held on to windows while we were doing this . Eventually we would get to a part of the school that had no windows . We would then have to let go and jump off . Another one of my many antics was when they were putting light poles around on the streets of Jefferson City . The holes were quite deep . I was still in grammar school at the time . I decided I would drop down into one and check it out . I found it was deeper than I thought . I was embarrassed , scared , and after several attempts to get out , I found out that by bracing my feet on either side of the hole , I could push myself up til I could get close enough to the top to get out . This was not the last time I found myself in a tough spot , but God has helped me out many times . Thought for the day : Proverbs 1 : 7 " The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge ; but fools despise wPosted by Hey there , this is Dub again , pinch hitting for Grammy . When I was in high school , I worked for Shel Emert , down on the creek , chopping out willow sprouts and he would come and get me on his horse to take me to his house for dinner . I got to ride the horse and it was great fun . His wife , Love , had been a teacher of mine , and I had it made , because she liked me . It is said that Shel was a horse trader . They were one time dragging a dead horse off to put in a hole on his property . We went by a fence row , and there was a black snake that scared the horse pulling the wagon that we were in ( scared me too ) . Shel finally got the horse calmed down , and we took the horse we were dragging , and put it in the hole . The old - time sawmills in Saw Mill holler made saw dust piles and we went down and played in those piles of sawdust . We watched the workers split logs into slabs . It was exciting for us to watch them . They brought the logs down the hill on trucks and would roll them down the hill and would catch them with hooks and move them into the saw mill , then saw them into slabs . I caught some crawdads for my high school biology class so we could dissect them . It was fun . On the way to Mossy Creek there was a hackberry tree we had to go under . It was a straight path to Mossy Creek . The first person to go under the limb would get to swing up onto it and hide . Then he could fool the others that came looking for him . Part of the fun was having a Catawba ball fight . They were sticky and would stick to the person they hit . We would play fox and hound at night near the school because we lived right near it . We had cow pile smashing , because there were pasture fields nearby . If someone got near a pile , they would throw a rock into it and splash it on those unsuspecting others who happened to be nearby . We had home preaching from Carson - Newman preachers who came into our homes . Everyone listened to the Midday Merry go Round on the radio and we had the first stereos ever heard by this means , because everyone 's windows were open . This was Posted by Hi , there , well , here I am again as a guest blogger ( Grammy 's husband , W . B . also known as Dub ) writing some more about my early growing up years in Jefferson City . Up the creek we went possum hunting and had a place up that way where there was a pond we called the " round pond " and we also skated on that pond when it froze over in the winter . It was not very deep , but probably deep enough to drown in . The terrapins made big round circles in the water . We gathered walnuts and hickory nuts up at the head of Mossy Creek in fields that were unoccupied . Walking back through fields to go home , we came through Shel Emert 's field where he kept his cows . He had a Jersey bull that made us drop our sacks and scoot across the foot log that crossed the creek and the bull started butting the walnut sack . We went back later and got the sack of walnuts . We also picked blackberries and wild grapes and chestnuts along the creek . I found a nest of turtles in the creek and got all of them out of the hole and ran a piece of wire through their legs , put them on a pole and carried them home . I cleaned them and fried them . Nearly every one of us got sick . Up at the head of the creek , there was a place we called the " blue hole " . It was a round deep hole of water . We never knew where it came from or why it was there . It was very deep and the water was very blue looking . We went fishing in it and caught one . It was a surprise to us that we caught it . There was a spring down from our house in which we cooled watermelons , milk and butter . It also had water cress growing in it , which are very good to eat . One time Howard was standing near the water and was looking up . He said , " Look at the little yellow bird " , and was not watching where he stepped and he fell into the water . After that we called him little yellow bird . He didn 't care too much for that . We hunted for arrow heads in the land around us around Mossy Creek and found several . It was on Shel Emert 's land that we found them . There were some near drownings and deaths from swimming in the mGrammy Guest Blogger for Today is my husband , Dub ( W . B . ) Hi there , I 'd like to tell you some of my memories of growing up in Jefferson City . We moved to Jefferson City when I was three months old , and my dad was a miner who worked in the zinc mines , shoveling zinc ore . When I was three years old , some rocks fell on him and injured him . He lived a short time after that . I never really knew him . I had an older brother , Howard , and an older sister , Johnnie , and a younger sister , Bonnie , who was only a little more than a year old when our dad died . When he died , the zinc mines paid my mother insurance money , and we used that money to build a small four room house , near the Carson - Newman College , and near Mossy Creek ( only about a block and a half away ) , and there was enough left over for some other needs . My first knowledge of life in Jefferson City involved a Maltese cat who did his business on my gray overcoat My brother , Howard , took the cat and threw it into Mossy Creek . The cat returned home looking pretty , clean and healthy . I don 't know what happened to the cat after that . We may have thrown the coat away after the cat messed it up . I don 't recall for sure . We went fishing in Mossy Creek and caught suckers and minnows and rode a paddle boat on Mossy Creek that belonged to someone else . We rode from where we got on it down to the mill race and then had to turn it around and come back home . We paddled it up to the head of the creek and had to go under a railroad bridge that was just culverts and duck our heads and go on . We also went swimming in the old mine hole at the quarry . One time , when I didn 't know how to swim , we had a little part of the water that was shallow where we went when we couldn 't swim . We crawled around and got some motions of swimming and as we got more experience , we would move out a little farther . This area was called " Little Bitty " because of the little bitty kids that learned in it . One time when I almost drowned was when I jumped on a water - soaked log which was between Little Bitty and a rock croPosted by Howdy , You all , We went to Knoxville yesterday morning ( left here at 6 : 10 a . m . ) to take Imazo to the outpatient surgery for her cataract surgery . I had thought to take her and leave Hugh at his house with Dub , but he had plans to be with her , so the three of us went and left Dub alone at the house . We left about 7 a . m . and of course , it only took about 5 minutes or so to arrive at the surgery . About 10 a . m . , the surgery was over and Imazo had done just fine and we were able to take her back home . Since no one had had breakfast , we stopped at Burger King and picked up breakfast and took it back to their house for a morning repast . By around 12 : 00 we were all feeling the effects of the early morning hours , and Imazo lay down for a good nap , and the other three of us went out on the front porch to talk and watch traffic and the birds . Hugh and Imazo have a bird bath and I brought some fresh water out and filled it . What fun it was , watching the birds come and flit around in it and flipping their wings ! I sat on the porch in the warm breeze and before I knew it , I was drowsing , so I went inside and took a lying down rest on the living room couch . About 3 : 00 p . m . I took Dub with me and we went to the drug store , the Pizza Hut ( to pick up supper ) and on to the grocery store for some food items for them . When we got back , we put away the groceries and then chowed down on Meat Lover 's Pizza . Yum ! Love that crust on Pizza Hut 's pizza . No one can do Pizza like they can . Dub and I left about 6 p . m . and motored home , pleased that we could do this small thing for our brother and sister ( in law ) . She is more a real sister than in - law . We are hoping to take them up to Ohio to visit her sister , Lois , in September . We are also looking forward to visiting our family in Illinois very shortly . We can hardly wait . Oh , yes , when we got home last evening , I checked my e - mail and found a reply to my letter to AT & T . It seems they have finally fixed my account so that the payment for this month is much lower and the one for next month will be Grammy Howdy , folks ! Just got back from the grocery store and Dub finished putting groceries away for us . Shopping for groceries always seems to take the starch out of me , and so I headed for the computer room and my computer chair . I couldn 't sleep last night when I went to bed , so I got up and played computer games until about 3 a . m . then went to bed . Unfortunately , the need to sleep has just hit me , but I will resist until I can resist no longer . ( or nap at the computer ) . Sometimes I do that . Well , I called the AT & T offices this morning and I think I have it all straightened out . We will see when I get the new bill in September . Can you believe it is so close to Autumn ? While I was at the grocery store , I saw someone that I hadn 't seen in several years and we had to catch up on what had been happening to family since seeing each other . This was a woman who had gone to school with Carol and Teresa . She was telling me how her sister , Sue 's , husband had died two weeks ago . Not exactly how he died , but that he had . Her parents have alzheimers , and also her aunt is not well . She spends her time between them and doesn 't have a lot of time for herself . It is always great to see old friends again . We hugged each other , I gave her my phone number and we were both on our way . Our grass outside is so very dry and we are hoping for rain this evening . We will be getting up early in the morning to take Imazo to the hospital to have cataract surgery in one of her eyes . Well , my eyes are shutting down in spite of myself . More later . May you be aware of God 's blessings on each of you ! Bye for now from Blabbin ' Grammy . Howdy , you all , Went back to the dentist today , and had another impression made ( I 'm very impressionable , you know ) for one of my crowns . One of the permanent ones that he was not satisfied with the way it fit , so we did a do - over today . Last week , I got to wear my lower partial and then had to give it up again today to have it sent off with the impression of my tooth that it fits over . Not a bad visit at all . We went to Knoxville yesterday and had lunch with Hugh , Imazo and Mae at Shoney 's . One of our favorite places to eat . After lunch , we went back to Hugh 's and sat around talking ( other than eating , one of the things we do best ) . I passed on the information about our brother , John , who lives in Phoenix with his wife , Darlene , and their son , Mark . John is the youngest of the family and also has congestive heart failure just as Hugh and I have , but his is much worse than ours ( not saying a lot for ours even ) . Anyway , then we got to talking about Magnolia Avenue in Knoxville and some of the buildings and businesses that have changed hands and disappeared from existance . One of them is the Park Theatre . Dub and I used to go to Knoxville and go to the movies there . First we would go to Weaver 's Restaurant on the corner of Prosser and Magnolia . Mmmmm , such good food they had there . Good home cooking and we were never disappointed in it . Another place we used to go was the Cherry Park - In which was on the corner of Cherry Street and Magnolia . They had the best sandwiches and made some of the best banana splits we ever indulged in . We also used to stop at the Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop just a little ways past Cherry Street on Magnolia . On our way home from visiting Hugh and Imazo or Mae and Bill or Ralph and Thelma , we would turn left on Magnolia and stop at Krispy Kreme and take home a dozen warm oozy yummy doughnuts , fresh from their ovens . A business that my brother , Ralph , used to live next to , was Swan 's bakery . He worked there and would often take home fresh hot bread right from the pans . That probably didn 't do hiPosted by Father of the bride , and bride . Howdy , You all , Weddings traditionally begin with the words , " Dearly Beloved " and that is how last evening 's wedding between my grandneice , Tiffany , and her groom , Sam , began . It was a beautiful ceremony and the bride was lovely and her groom was handsome . When we hear those words , we are reminded of other weddings we have attended , including our own . We see the young hopefuls beginning their life together and pray that their life will be one that truly becomes one life , with two partners working together and making Christ the center of their oneness . The setting for the gathering was back in a wooded area in a FOP Lodge , very quiet with lots of room for people to enjoy seeing one another and helping the couple to celebrate their new life together . Tiffany is the great granddaughter of my oldest brother , Bill , ( deceased ) and his widow , Mae . My sister - in - law , Imazo , and I traveled the few miles to the Lodge , and only got lost a couple of times . It is not the first time I have driven somewhere that I didn 't know exactly the destination . ha . Between us , we found it . We got to see a lot of people we didn 't know and also several that we did know . It was great fun . Imazo and I left soon after the wedding , and didn 't stay for the reception , because I don 't see too well to drive after dark and don 't like to drive after dark in unfamiliar territory , and she doesn 't drive at all . My brother , Hugh , and my husband did not attend , but stayed at Hugh 's . After we got back to Hugh 's and Imazo 's , I took the four of us down to Shoney 's ( familiar territory ) for dessert . We were able to sit comfortably and enjoyed talking about the wedding and how beautifully the Lodge was decorated and how cute the kids were , especially Bryson , Mae 's great grandson , was in his little tuxedo . The best picture I got was of the wedding cake . Somehow , my camera had trouble capturing pictures inside the Lodge , because of the lighting , and I am still trying to learn how to use it well . Howdy , You All , I was talking with my brother , Hugh , yesterday about our dad , and what a character he was . So I decided to dedicate my blog today to stories about him . Our dad , James Campbell , was born the oldest of eight children . He was born in 1896 and they were living at the time in the Sequatchie Valley area of Tennessee . He had a wonderful sense of humor and loved to tell stories , quite often laughing as he told them , because they were ususally funny . Hugh was telling me how Dad had once told him about the time our grandfather decided they would go visit his dad . I think he said Dad must have been about 7 or 8 at the time they went . So our Grandpa hitched up the horse and wagon , loaded Granny and the kids up into the wagon and took off for the visit . They traveled ( very slowly , of course ) for about 2 and 1 / 2 days , camping out each night . When they finally reached Dad 's grandfather 's , his dad pulled up into the yard , and hollered , " Hello , the house ! " . They went in , and visited that night , and then the next morning , they said good - bye , hitched up the wagon , and left , traveling back home for another 2 and 1 / 2 days . Dad said , in relating the story , that was the only time he ever saw his grandfather . Dad and Mom met when Dad was about 21 . He and his family were living in Loudon , and she saw him walking along and saw the sun shining on his blond hair and how handsome he was . Right then and there , she " set her cap for him " . They were married a year later , when she was seventeen , and he was twenty - two . He since told us that he only finished eighth grade because he had to work on the farm and help his dad and mom . His dad was kind of a " jack - of - all - trades " and carpenter . His dad also liked his alcohol , and was not a great example for his sons . Some of his sons became drinkers , but my mom told my dad that if they were going to be married , he would not be touching alcohol . My dad took her at her word , and left alcohol alone . His brothers were all good hearted and eventually stopped drinking , and became good citizens . Dad wasPosted by Howdy , Friends ! Tomorrow is the twenty - first birthday of our granddaughter , Emily , who is also my namesake ( same middle name ) and the only namesake I have . Emily is so very dear to us and a darling young woman . She is currently studying art in a university and is very talented , don 't you know ! Emily makes top - notch grades , too . She is the youngest child of four , and she was the only girl born into the family until our great grandchild , Hannah , was born just seven years ago , who is also her niece . When we go to visit our daughter , Emily 's mom , Emily is usually the one to very generously give up her room for us to sleep in . Of course , we appreciate it so very much . Emily is not only talented , she is kind and thoughtful , as well . We always look forward to seeing her and spending time with her . She has a marvelous sense of humor and smiles easily . She is also very intelligent and charming . Most of all , she is a Christian who lives out her faith . We are extremely proud of the young lady she has become . The picture here is of her trying on a western hat that Dub brought to her . We love you , Emily ! Happy Birthday to you ! This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for the day . God Bless you all . Hidy Do , Friends ! I have been looking at and sorting through dusty quilt pieces this morning and have just about sneezed myself out . I am allergic to dust , and am hoping that the sneezing doesn 't turn into an asthma attack . These are quilt pieces that had been cut out some time ago by my sister , Margaret , who passed on to her reward a little over seven months ago . Let me do a little philosphizing ( sp ? ) here . When she passed away , it became the responsibility of my brother , Hugh ; his wife , Imazo ; and me ; to empty out her one - room apartment . My husband , Dub , helped where he could by helping to carry stuff . Margaret was born in 1925 during the middle of the Depression years and consequently learned the value of thriftiness . Needless to say , she never ever threw anything away that " might be of use later on " . If you have never had the occasion or need to clean out a space vacated by someone 's passing , you have really missed a chore . She had stuff packed back and away in every conceivable space in that tiny room where she lived : under the bed , in drawers , in bookcases , in storage containers , in suitcases , in shelves , in trunks , in footlockers , in boxes , in bags . You get the idea , by now , I am sure . There were oodlings of quilting stuff , which I went through some while we were there ( on one of many trips ) , and then brought home with me in 8 large under - the - bed boxes , which I later went through at home and winnowed them down to 5 such boxes . Margaret lived on a small fixed income , and because of needing to scrape and save , she even washed the plastic baggies like food is put into and stored them in a cabinet drawer for reuse . We found food leftovers that she had saved . She had more clothes stored in her closets than she could ever have worn ; some looked like they should have been discarded some time past . Some had never been worn ; she was probably " saving them " for special occasions . Imazo had worked at Proffits and had bought some of them for Margaret . All this brings me to observe that when someone comes in to clean and cGrammy My husband and I have an honorary granddaughter , Jennifer , from whom we heard today and she tells us she will be returning from Taiwan , where she lives , to go to school again at Carson - Newman College . We first met Jennifer about twelve years ago , when she was about twelve or thirteen . My mind is a little fuzzy when it comes to remembering exact dates and ages . She was an eighth grader and her younger brother , Nelson , was a fifth grader and their father , Daniel , was a student taking courses in English at C - N so that he could get a degree in English and teach it in Taiwan and win students to Christ . His family : Jean , his wife , his children , Jennifer and Nelson , are all Christians . He had brought them with him so that they could have the advantage of some schooling in the United States and they lived with him in one of the apartments on campus . I had become acqainted with Daniel at my church when he came to worship and he asked if I would tutor his children in English , and since I was retired from teaching in the public school , I took on the task , and loved it . I grew to love Jennifer and Nelson and Daniel . I tutored them all of that school year and then they went back to Taiwan at the end of the school year . In the year 2000 , in February , I went to visit her and her family in Taiwan , and it was a wonderful two weeks where I was steeped in the culture of that country . I was priviledged to meet her family members while I was there , and got to meet her real grandparents and her aunts , uncles , cousins . In the autumn of 2000 , Jennifer came back and was an exchange student and lived with Mark and Allie during her Junior year in our local High School . She chose then to live with Dub and me during her Senior year . We had so much fun together that year . I made breakfast for her each morning , took her and picked up Mark and Allie 's girls most mornings and picked them up after school . We baked pies together , cooked meals together , got up in the middle of the night to watch the asteroid showers in the sky , worked on her homeworkGrammy Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy ! |
Then there are the people who are driving and want to be the front car . Okay . Do it . I do not mind if someone passes me . I often drive slightly over the speed limit so I am not holding up traffic . A person can go around me and drive much faster than the speed limit . I just do not care . I really hate when someone drives up behind me and drives too close to the back of my car trying to make me go faster . I will not do it . As a matter of fact I might go slower . It depends on my mood . And forget about honking your horn at me . It only irritates me and makes me more stubborn . Even if you are in a hurry I am not . Wait your turn and go around . In Detroit the major highways are called expressways rather than freeways . No matter what they are called during rush hour they are packed with cars . Sometimes the cars move along at a steady pace . Sometimes there are problems somewhere and traffic slows . And sometimes there are bigger problems and traffic stops making the expressway a giant parking lot . One morning I left work and was more than ready to go home . I entered the ramp to the expressway . Suddenly around me zoomed another car ! The ramp is only one lane . I was in that one lane . This guy just went around me anyway . I watched him change lanes that way for my whole drive home . He kept jockeying for a new position in front of yet another car . I saw him as a danger to all other drivers on the road because of his recklessness . And he was . . . first I mean . He was the first one to stop at the red light . I was second . All that " skillful " maneuvering put him exactly one car ahead . . . of the car he so carelessly passed on the on - ramp in the first place . I often find my mind wandering to people I care about who have died . I have such fond memories of them so it is enjoyable to just bask in the love we shared . There is a picture of my father directly across from where I sit . When I look up at him smiling down at me I smile and think of things we did together . It is comforting . My family has a lot of birthdays this time of year . On birthdays I remember the person and memories flood into me . In the case of the people who have died I silently wish them a happy birthday . Those memories I bring to myself . But occasionally there will be something that forces me to think of someone . When I look in the mirror I often see a bit of my mother . As a child I looked like both my parents ; at different times of course . But as I have gotten older I look more like Mom . It makes me feel good . My mother was a beautiful woman . Once at work we were having a training session . I started to ask a question and abruptly stopped ; I was totally stunned . My mother 's voice was coming from my mouth ! When I was finally able to explain the shocked look on my face I think everyone thought I had lost my mind . My father was punctual . Every day after work he came home and opened the front door at almost exactly 4 : 00 in the afternoon . Anyone who was there would look up to greet him . So after he died if someone came in the door at that time we automatically looked up expectantly thinking we would see him . Several times I could smell my father . I do not know that he had a particularly distinctive odor but I knew it was his smell . I was forced to remember him . When my granddaughter was little I told her when she found a feather that it was a reminder that someone who had died was thinking of her . We had lost my mother - in - law and two of my sisters - in - law within a short time . My granddaughter adored all of them . My granddaughter found feathers everywhere . One day she found three lying together . She knew who they were from . She is 16 now and still finding feathers . She is being forced to remember her great - grandma and her great - aunts . She will always have them in her heart . Recently my son had a dream that he found strange . He was smoking a cigarette and putting the ashes in a pop bottle and eventually put the cigarette into the bottle to put it out . My son has never smoked . But his father smoked and often used a pop bottle as an ashtray . My son was also looking through his electronic reader for books to purchase . Based on books he had previously bought the reader had some suggestions . One of them was titled The Gift and the author had the same first and last name as his father . He bought it simply for that reason . He was being forced to remember his father . By the way it was the type of story he really enjoys and he liked the book . Recently I was walking to my car . As I crossed the yard I noticed something on the ground . When I picked it up it was a flat piece of rubber about 2 inches in diameter . It was a tire patch . My sister - in - law made tire patches where she worked . When she would come to visit us on vacation she always had a bag of tire patches and glue for the kids for their bikes . I smiled and placed it in the cup holder in my car . It fit perfectly . I think of her whenever I put a cup in it . Besides being low in calories for a berry mulberries help the body fight against cancer , aging , neurological disease , diabetes , inflammation , and bacterial infections . They help keep the arteries from constricting and causing high blood pressure . There is some indication that eating mulberries will protect the retina from UV rays . And they have a high amount of iron to build red blood cells . While there are about a hundred kinds of mulberry tree there are only three basic kinds of mulberry . They are known by color . The dark purple mulberries are the sweetest . Red mulberries are slightly tart and tend to be smallest of the three . White mulberries have a little less flavor but they are much larger than the other two . One of my favorite ways to eat mulberries is with whipped cream . If we either lived on a farm or were close to my grandparent 's farm we had plenty of cream available for whipping . But otherwise whipping cream was too expensive . My mom showed me an alternative . A can of evaporated milk placed into the freezer until very cold but not frozen will whip nicely . Just add a bit of sugar and vanilla and turn on the mixer . I was so used to making it that way that we thought it tasted just fine . I liked the white mulberries with whipped cream the best . I think it may have been because the berries are larger . The milder taste of white mulberries supported the taste of the whipped cream . And it might have been easier to get enough of the larger white ones to feed everyone . Mulberries grow everywhere in this part of the country . One reason is that birds also like them . They eat the berries then deposit seeds in waste all over the place . And you know birds . They are not fussy where or when they deposit that waste . As a child I made it a point to know where the trees were located . In one town where we lived we had a white mulberry tree right beside the road at our house . We moved to another house about a block away but the tree was still mine . My grandparent 's farm had all three kinds of mulberries in many different locations . At one corner of the pen holding the geese was a white mulberry tree . All I had to do was climb the fence and pick them to my heart 's content . At the dogleg corner to the pasture was a purple mulberry tree . There was another by the corn crib . For that one we could climb the fence of the pig pen to get into the tree easily . Besides eating the berries we used to pump fresh cold water and squeeze mulberry juice into it . We had " wine " to drink with our berries . At one corner of the farm house grew a red mulberry tree . My grandfather thought they were all nothing but a nuisance . He hated cleaning the bird droppings off the tractor seats and all the other places they were found . So he decided to cut down the tree in the yard . After he cut it down he noticed shoots of new trees sprouting the next year . He cut them out and took an axe to the stump of the old tree . When he was through there were only shards of tree trunk remaining . The following year we saw nothing but the year after that a little bush began to spring up . Eventually there was a bush about eight feet high . It was basically a group of small tree trunks that grew in the same place . They were more limber than a regular tree trunk though . And they provided us with those nice red mulberries that we did not have to climb to get . They were very young when they married . My mother - in - law was terribly upset about it . I was not around then but my mother - in - law is the one who told me so I believe it to be true . My mother - in - law also came to care very much for my sister - in - law . Tolerance for differences can be learned . She will beMy sister - in - law died yesterday . She was only a couple of years older than me . My sister - in - law did not like going to the doctor . She tried to treat discomfort and pain herself . She waited to long to get medical help . She leaves her husband , five children , and grandchildren and great - grandchildren . My children all cared for her very much . She always treated them as well as she treated her own children . My sister - in - law will be missed by all of us . And I remind all to make sure to get those physicals . They could allow you those extra couple of years . I was in junior high that year . We lived in a nice big house on Main Street . About a mile down the road was a main highway . To get to our town you had to turn onto what became Main Street and drive past our house to get to our block long business area . And I am being generous about that block . We had a little grocery store , a post office , a cafe , and a couple of other small businesses there . There was even a feed store that sold feed for livestock , seeds for planting , and farm equipment . It was a nice little town . My brothers and I spent a lot of time in the cafe . They had a pinball machine . We spent a good deal of our earnings from our paper route playing pinball . Our house had hot and cold running water . Yay ! I spent a lot of time shampooing my hair in that luxury . But alas we had an outhouse . I have often spoken of my hatred of the outhouse . Besides the indignity of everyone in the world knowing where you are going and what you will be doing there an outhouse is the smelliest place to be . In the winter it is so cold . In the summer it is so hot ( and full of flies ) . I can live with primitive conditions but I really want my indoor toilet ! There was an old root cellar near the corner of the house . It was damp and dark in there and not particularly safe . It could be used as a shelter in case of tornado but thankfully we never had to use it . We did not store canned goods or roots in the cellar because it was too damp and it was not really a safe place . Toads loved that root cellar . There were other cellars in the neighborhood that were probably just as popular with toads . In the evening we could catch the toads that came out into the cooler air . But when it rained was when the real sight came . Thousands of toads emerged from root cellars filling with water . The yards would be dark with toads covering the grass . Even the road ( Main Street ) would be covered and dark with toads . But that is where the carnage happened . Cars driving into or out of town used that same road that was covered with toads . Sitting inside our nice dry house we could hear the pop pop pop pop pop of toads being run over by cars . It was like listening to bubble wrap . Our telephone was on a party line . A party line meant that we shared the connection with other people . Some party lines had as many as 8 different parties on them . We only had one this time . We shared with the drugstore . That affected a lot of things . Of course I could not sit on the phone and gossip with my friends because we had to also make the line available for the other party . If we picked up the phone to make a call we had to listen first to see if the other party was using it . If they were we had to gently hang up and wait a reasonable amount of time to allow them to finish their conversation . And abolutely NO rubbering in . Rubbering comes from the term rubber - necking . Rubber - necking means that you are eavesdropping on the conversation of another party on your party line . It is strictly against party line etiquette . It is also where the name of the song by Elvis came from . In the corner of our front yard right near where the driveway met the street stood a huge pine tree . It was several feet higher than our two story house . Someone had cut the very top off and placed two boards across the top . It made a good place to sit . Oh how I loved that tree . I spent a lot of time at the top of the tree . My teenage angst was at its height . It was good to have a place so seclude and yet so in the middle of everything . I knew what was happening in our yard as well as the yards around the neighborhood if I was interested . I watched as cars went into town and out of town . I could even watch the activity in our " business district " . But most of all I could be alone . That was not an easy thing in a family of six ( my last brother was not yet born ) children and two parents . I could take a book up there with me and read all afternoon if that was what I decided to do . That tree was the best sanctuary I ever had . The school had grades Kindergarten through 12 just like most schools in Nebraska at that time . We still had recess so there was not a regular gym class . But we had sports teams . I was on the volleyball team . We were a very good team and had been for years . Even after my family moved away they were still winning . We were undefeated even in tournaments while I was there . When a team had away games in another town school buses transported all the students who were going . Those who did not go still had to be at school for the remainder of the school day . But there were not enough students for regular classes so we found other things to do . One of our favorites was to play soccer . We did like all other kids and chose up sides . There were boys and girls on each team . We played our hearts out . At that time fashion dictates were that girls wore little flat shoes . Not much protection but certainly stylish . Boys wore what we called engineer boots . They were heavy boots that went halfway up the calf . The toes were built to withstand nuclear explosions ( my assessment , not an advertising claim ) . On the day of one away game we were involved in a heavily contested soccer game . The ball was rolling and I intended to kick it . So did one of the boys . Unfortunately we were both successful . We kicked the ball with all our might at exactly the same time . Me in my little flats and him with his engineer boots . Both with all our strength . I do not remember the outcome of the game . All I remember is the broken toe I had . And I had to walk home from school with a broken toe . Inside that little flat shoe . The pop machine was one of those old chest types . You would select your bottle of pop and slide it along until it was right at the place where it could be pulled out . Then you would deposit your coins . The machine would then release the bottle of pop and you pulled it out . There were no screw off caps . There was a bottle opener on the side of the machine with a cup to catch the tops so they could be thrown away later . Royal Crown Cola was what we drank then . We called it RC . But before drinking it you must buy peanuts from the candy machine and pour them into the RC . It was not always easy to get the peanuts in without the RC foaming over . At least we got a little protein from the peanuts along with the sugar from the RC . My teacher lived in the rooming house right directly across from my house . He was a heavy old man who did not see too well . He probably should have quit teaching years before . We were an unruly lot . We placed thumbtacks on each others ' chairs as well as the teacher 's . We used rubber bands to shoot sand burrs at each other . I still have a keloid on my left cheek from the one that stuck there . One day the boy who sat at the back of the row I was in was walking up to see the teacher . As he went by I stuck out my foot and tripped him . He stumbled but did not fall . Later when I went up to see the teacher the same boy pushed the row forward . The girl who sat behind me pushed the row back . At least the row starting with her . As I was going back to my seat here came the boy from the back . I decided that it was a good idea to get to my seat before he could repay me for tripping him . I quickly backed into my desk seat . And promptly sat on the floor ! My desk had been pushed forward . In the middle of the school year our teacher made the decision to retire . He had enough of us . Our new teacher was a nice young woman who brought discipline back into the classroom . The only class we left our classroom for was music . Our music teacher was a large woman . She looked like she could have played a Valkyrie in an opera . Like many large women she was very well endowed . I was amazed at the torpedo looking protrusions from her chest . She must have invested a fortune in her bra . I am afraid we learned little in her class either . I loved that town . I especially loved that tree . A few years ago I drove through there . The school was being torn down . The cafe was not there any more . Our house was gone . But saddest of all my pine tree was gone . For women and some men mammograms become a routine test . This is one of those necessary evils to try to catch any abnormalities in the breast that may indicate cancer . If cancer is found soon enough it is easier to treat and easier to beat . During a mammogram the technician places the breast onto a flat shelf . The patient turns herself into a pretzel to pose in the proper position . Then another flat piece comes down onto the top of the breast and presses it flat . Apparently that enables the x - ray to see as much tissue as possible . Then the procedure is repeated with the other side . If your technician is good there is little pain . Mostly it is uncomfortable and quite humiliating . And most of the time the results will show nothing of concern . Then you wonder why you even had to bother with it at all . After a certain age men must begin having a prostate exam periodically . I know little about the prostate so I only mention it because I want you to know I understand that men have their own set of problems . I will let someone else write about the indignities of this type of examination . Then the doctor puts on plastic gloves with a bit of lubricant on them . He / she proceeds to delve into all places that are available for delving . While delving the doctor will palpate the abdomen to make sure all the parts are in place and that there are no extras . Once while in this extremely flattering position the doctor asked me , " How old did you say you are ? " I told him . " Funny . . . you don 't look that old . " ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Another test they do is a Pap smear . While you are " in the stirrups " they use a combination of tools that look like medieval torture devices . The final outcome is that they snip a bit of tissue from your cervix . It is sent to a lab to test for cancerous cells . As the test is performed the doctor will invariably say , " Okay , now you will feel a little pinch . " That little pinch can feel like a little pinch or a full - blown cramp or something in between . Any way it feels you do feel it . But again it is better to know whether there is something there to treat . I hate to even talk about a colonoscopy . It is by far the worst of these tests . You must not eat anything other than broth or jello ( no red or grape ) and drink only water the day before the test . In the evening you must drink the most vile concoction ever introduced to mankind . Several doses of it . Then a little more . This stuff is a severe laxative designed to clean every last trace of anything ever present in your intestine . It works ! When the doctor comes in you are placed into what they call a twilight sleep . In actuality you are asleep . It just is not as strong as an anesthetic for a major operation . So the doctor looks all around in a place that no one should have to see . If he sees anything interesting he takes a picture . If it is really interesting he takes a sample to biopsy . If there are polyps ( which most often will become cancerous ) he will remove them and send them for biopsy too . Probably the most embarrassing part of this invasion comes afterward when you are recovering from the anesthesia . Because the intestine was filled with air that air must be expelled . The nurse must witness this expulsion or it does not count . And all this time you hear your mother telling you not to do it because it is not a nice thing to do . Mom makes it take longer . Perhaps the final indignity for women is menopause . It is the cessation of menses . Women have a monthly cycle during the years they are able to have children . Menopause is the end of that cycle . I was not particularly concerned about that time of my life . I had made certain that I would bear no more children years before , many years before . My mother had been through it with no ill effects . Both my sisters had surgeries that forced them into early menopause . Neither had any problems . I expected an easy time of it . I was right . Genetics perhaps . I do not know but it was not as hard for me as I saw it was for other women . At any rate my doctor began way before time to try to get me to take estrogen replacement . Now I know that estrogen is a hormone found in the body . I also know that too much of some hormones can cause cancer . I kept refusing that treatment . I felt I did not need it . Once the doctor asked me why I did not want to take the nice little pills . I told him that I knew that tall large - boned females had fewer problems . I did not want it . Finally he said , " Can you guarantee me that you are not going to have a heart attack ? " I answered , " Can you guarantee that I will not get cancer ? " I never needed the estrogen . I guess the best thing I can say about all this gunk that I have subjected you to is know your own body . Get the necessary tests to make sure that if there are potential problems they can be treated before treatment will not help . I drink to your health ! I have written before about my love for baseball and especially my favorite team the Detroit Tigers . It has been a most discouraging season . I had high hopes . Victor Martinez is our designated hitter . He does not play in the field . All he does is take his turn at bat . He is a good batter even if he is old for a baseball player . He has had some problems with injuries but seemed healthy this year . He just has not produced hits like we hoped . Justin Verlander was our top pitcher for years . He was thought of as the best pitcher in baseball . Last year he was off a bit and I kept saying there was something wrong with him . Turns out he had some abdominal muscles that needed to be repaired . Verlander had surgery in the off - season and all looked good this spring . Then suddenly there was a problem with his arm . For the first time ever he was placed on the disabled list until he was able to pitch again . When he came back it took him a few games to get adjusted again . Whispers said that he had lost " his stuff " . He is now pitching better . Cabrera had a rough time last year . He was obviously hurting but the team needed him so much that he continued to play . There was no one who could reasonably take his place . He did not know it but he was playing with bone spurs and broken bones in his foot . He had surgery in the off - season . When he came back to play this season you could see that he was better . For one thing he could run without wincing in pain with each step . He was beginning to have a normal year for " Miggy " which is so much better than anyone else . One day while running the bases during the game he pulled up in pain . If " Miggy " stops for pain most of the rest of us would be writhing on the ground screaming for morphine . He had some tears in his calf muscle . He has been on the disabled list ever since . He should be back in a couple of weeks but we have missed him . Our pitcher that we depended on for wins , David Price , was just traded to another team . He probably would have moved on after the end of the season but I hoped he would be here for this whole season . He is a great pitcher . I also hoped the Tigers would find a way to keep him after that . Yoenis Cespedes is an outfielder . He is also a fantastic batter . He was traded to another team . I still have hopes that he will come back next season . Our closing pitcher , Joakim Soria , was also traded . The closer is the pitcher who comes in at the final inning or so of the game when the team is leading by a small score . He is supposed to keep the score the way it is so we will win . While at times our hitting let us down it was our pitching , especially the bullpen that has been a problem . The bullpen is the relief pitchers who are called in to pitch for various reasons after the game has been played for a while . Our bullpen just has not done the job . The writing on the wall told us that we were probably not going to be in line for the playoffs this year . That is why those players were traded . A team will try to cut back and rebuild after a season like this . We have had Dave Dombrowski as our general manager for 14 years . He is also recognized as the best . The general manager is the one who makes deals involving players , trying to make up the best possible team . Dombrowski has no equal in that regard . This year was the final year on Dombrowski 's contract . I felt it was a strong possibility that he would move on at the end of the season . Today the Tigers let him go . I was shocked . I get attached to most of the players and managers and coaches . It actually hurts sometimes when they make a business decision to get rid of one of my people . I can know that it is a good decision in my mind but that does not lessen the pain of separation . I suppose it seems silly to be like that but there you are . I cannot help it . So my Tigers will not be contenders this year most likely . I can be okay ( sort of ) with that . I suffered through many years of 4th place teams . I will just have to adjust my cap and enjoy the rest of the season . Then I will look forward to a better year next year . I promised you more stories from my time working at a retail store . So here they are . And I cannot believe I forgot to tell you the first one . We had a busy evening but things slowed down after midnight as they usually do . Even so there was suddenly a bit of a rush as several customers were ready to pay and leave . I was helping one of the cashiers by bagging the purchases for her in order to move things faster . Her final two customers were two nice looking young men . They were buying a vacuum cleaner and trash bags . They said they had a party and there was a lot of clean - up needed . They seemed to be in a jovial mood . A few days later we saw on the news that a young woman 's dead body was found in trash bags dumped somewhere . There were other trash bags there with her and in one of them they found the receipt showing where the vacuum cleaner and trash bags had been purchased . Guess where that was . A cashier 's receipt has so many identifiers on it . There is the time , date , store number , as well as lane number and cashier number . Those things told the police that the items were purchased at our store and which cashier checked them out . The young men had indeed hosted a party . They slipped a drug into the young woman 's drink so that they could rape her . Unfortunately she died . They decided to try to clear all evidence of her being there but it did not work . One of the cashiers did not feel well . I was working in the cash office that night . The AC called me to tell me that he was vomiting into his waste basket and continuing to wait on customers . I told her to send him home . He did not want to leave . I went out to talk to him . He was violently ill but refused to go home . I had to get the store manager to go out and send him home . Can you believe that one ? But it is true . A woman who worked in another department was called into her manager 's office one morning as she was ready to punch out to go home . Apparently she had been coming to work every night and punching in . Then she would leave with one of the men who worked in another department who was going home for the day . She would stay with him all night until it was time for her to punch out for the day . We were experiencing some mild allergy - type symptoms . Our eyes were irritated a bit . As the night went on it got worse . I finally called the night store manager to see if there was something in the air of the store that could be causing it . I called again because by this time our eyes were red and itching . We were both on the verge of allergic tears . They went up on top of the store to see if there was anything wrong with the air conditioning . Nothing . They checked the air ducts . Nothing . When I asked him what we were supposed to do he got testy with me . He said , " I don 't know what you want from me ! What do you think I can do ? " So I calmly replied , " As a union steward I could ask you if you were willing to leave your employees in a dangerous situation . " The other woman looked at the manager with red teary eyes and said sweetly , " Well I think maybe Emma is more uncomfortable than I am . " Grrrrrr . He finally decided to put us in a more comfortable environment even though it was potentially more dangerous . We propped the doors of the office open and used fans to circulate the air . Now we were vulnerable to robbery . There were few people who were able to work in the cash office . It was a specialized job . So we were a closely knit group . And we delighted on playing pranks on each other . For Halloween we were decorating the cash office . The woman working with me and I planned all sorts of fun . We took those plastic worm fishing lures from sporting goods and planted them in drawers all over the office . We had some ghosts from the holiday department . Some of them would make haunting noises when movement activated . We had some that were rigged to swoop down towards the person opening the door . There were all sorts of fun surprises for the unwary . As we were gathering supplies the AC came to see what we were doing . He got into the spirit of Halloween and offered to help . Because he occasionally worked in the office we could allow him in . The first person in that day was the head of the office . She began her counting of the safe drawer and we all chatted a bit . The AC was sitting silently in the safe . The she began to compliment us on the decorations . She proceeded then to tell us what a chicken she is . She cannot even go to a haunted house because she is too afraid . I began to frantically find a way to call this whole thing off . There was an ear - splitting scream as she came running out of the safe . Her clipboard went one way and her pencil went another . She was racing toward me so I braced myself to stop her and calm her down . At the last second she veered to the side and grabbed the coin counting machine for balance . Once she caught her breath she went on and on about what a good prank it was . Then she threatened to get me good one day . I called Troye and told him he could come out of the safe . He said he would as soon as his legs woke up enough so he could stand . By the way she never was able to return the favor . My least favorite place to work in the store was the service desk . At the service desk we sold stamps , sent faxes , sold money orders , and in the beginning we accepted utility payments . We sorted items that were left throughout the store to be returned to the proper departments . We also processed the dreaded returns . Most people are good when returning items for a refund . They bring the item in the original packaging with the receipt of purchase . Their identification is ready so we can take care of them quickly . A woman came in one night and wanted to return a lotion gift set . It contained a bottle of lotion and a bottle of perfume . Each was only half full . I refused the return . The woman became irate , insisting that I call a manager . I did . Then she began to call me vile names and trying to insult me in any way she could think of . I tried to stay calm because I knew she wanted me to return her anger . When the manager arrived I was still speaking calmly but I was shaking from anger . The manager handled the whole thing so well . She told the customer that I was doing my job and that I had done the right thing . Then she turned to me and said , " I am going to allow the return but thank you for following the rules . " Managers always approved the returns but at least she acknowledged in front of the customer that I was correct . After that I would have done anything for that manager . You would not believe some of the returns approved by managers . Once we refunded money for a Christmas tree that was obviously from the previous year . The needles were all completely brown . We refunded money for a bicycle that " was a gift " and not needed . Inside the box was a very old bike , the kind that had those little balance springs under the seat . It was completely rusty . My daughter - in - law refused the return of a vacuum cleaner . It was an older model than was supposed to be in the box not to mention that it was a brand that was no longer being made . Her store manager refunded the money . Then he told her that he was just trying to keep the goodwill of the customer . At a later meeting the store manager was telling employees that they needed to watch costs . My daughter - in - law , bless her little heart , stood up and said , " One of the ways the costs are so high is the managers giving refunds on merchandise that is either not ours or is no good . As soon as that is stopped then you can talk to us about cutting back on our expenses . " Meeting adjourned . The manager in our toy department was liked by everyone . She was so friendly and had a really nice personality . She treated her employees well . She even made life a little easier for them when she could . For instance , turning in the cash drawer at the end of a shift is time consuming . She often took that task herself . Often the security force on duty was all male . If they apprehended a female shoplifter they liked to have a female present to try to prevent any accusations of impropriety . So there were a few of us who they trusted enough to take care of that task . Before searching the person we would ask if they had any weapons they wished us to know about . Then we would ask if they had any sharp objects such as needles on their person . Only after negative replies would we then pat them down . Then we would have to wait until the police arrived . All we had to do was report that we had searched them and found nothing of danger or incriminating on the person . Then we were excused while they readied a trip to jail . Most of the security personnel were former police officers or officers in training . They knew the laws for surveillance and apprehension . They also had the take down moves if the suspect did not want to be stopped . One night there were two huge men who decided to fight . From what I understand there was a lot of rolling around on the sidewalk and a few punches were thrown . I was in the cash office and saw none of it but even employees went out to watch . By the way non - security employees are never allowed to interfere . The man was caught . The police took both of them to jail and shoplifting charges as well as various assault charges were filed . The security person went to the hospital . He would have to undergo testing for AIDS for a period of time . We often saw the sweet little old lady who came in often on our shift to buy food for her cat . She might have been five feet tall and she was of slight build . Her hair was that fly - away gray that so many of us have as we get older . Most of us felt that she was probably buying the cat food for herself to eat . We felt so protective of her . When security took her into their office we hoped that she had just passed out from hunger and that she had not had a heart attack . For instance in case of a fire you will hear " Code 100 deli department , Code 100 deli department , Code 100 deli department , " over the store speakers . It is repeated exactly three times . That sets things in motion . The store manager , the head of security , and the cash office each call the fire department . We report that there is a Code 100 in the deli department . After the third call the fire department dispatches fire trucks and personnel . It is all orderly and calmly done . So one night I was in the cash office when I heard a frightened voice announce a Code 100 for the grocery backroom . He only said it twice but I recognized the voice of the grocery manager and I head the fear in his voice . I called the fire department and explained what had happened . They sent someone out . The other woman in the office left to use the bathroom . I knew she just wanted to see what was going on . She asked the greeter why he was not headed to the back room with a fire extinguisher . He was certain there had been no emergency call . The fire chief came to the front of the store to ask someone to let them into the back of the store . The greeter was still arguing that there was no fire . The store manager was called . She went into high hysterical mode . She took her keys and fumbled her way to the back of the store . The Hi - Lo that the grocery manager was operating had caught fire in the motor directly under where he was sitting . He panicked a bit when he issued the emergency call . He was not hurt . The fire sort of put itself out . The fire department made sure everything was safe before leaving . |
Olivia had made a note to herself that when she got to school she 'd ask her teacher about Time and why it flew about the place . However she didn 't reckon on meeting with Smiling Joe , first . This was the boy who knew everything about everything and all the rest there was to know . In later times we feasted on those cherished memories , hungering for stories and thoughts of back when life was a joy , an ecstasy even . Visitors would come and go from our little huts but not before they told a tale or two of the way life had been . We fed them , they told us stories . " My family lived by a railway track in an old house that had once belonged to a signalman . In the days before the darkness my father would sit out on the old wooden seat and wave as the trains passed . Before long my parents had children - me and my brother and three sisters , and each of us would join our father waving at the trains as they travelled by our house . He called us the ' railway children ' , just like the old book that had once stood on his shelf beside his bed . " When the darkness came and the trains no longer travelled along the tracks , my father would still get us to sit as a family and wave at non - existent trains . He would describe them in the greatest of details . ' Look , ' he would say . ' There are people waving back , the lady with the green hat , see how she waves at us ? Look at the little boy laughing as he plays with his toys . ' And I could see them in my head , all the people he talked about who rode upon the imaginary trains that passed us by . " When my father took his last train journey , we still kept up the joy of sitting on the wooden bench and waving at the trains . Each of us would take it in turn to describe some passenger who was waving from the window . You might think my father was a little mad in what he had us do , but I tell you this , it kept us together and it kept us sane , and it made us think of the old days . " Those times were like having water . You always assume that it will be there until it dies off or runs out . Then you can never quench your thirst . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Featured Post # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , Short Story , the past , trainsLeave a comment Children 's , Flash Fiction , Short Story , UncategorizedTHING and the BIG BLUE SEA It was inevitable that it would happen . Thing had started to grow up . He knew that life would have to change , that his dreams would also have to do the same . There had been that one perfect moment , probably one day when he packed his school books and got ready to walk down the hill , when his mother had kissed him goodbye and his father had patted him on the head and said ' make me proud ' . The sorrowful thing was , that there wasn 't a fanfare or a bell that tolled as you passed that perfect moment in your life . Maybe there would be another perfect moment , perhaps if he met someone - but he wasn 't holding his breath . He knew that he had been born looking like his family but not like anyone else in the valley or at school . And he had suffered because of this , he had been called names , beaten on a couple of occasions , and most hurtful of all , was being left out of parties and celebrations . It wasn 't the kids that didn 't want Thing there , it was their parents . Thing had been taught in school that we were on a rock which traveled around the sun every year . If this had been a ship we would have helped each other , we would have cared and nurtured each other . But this was a ship without a sea , and so folks and Things didn 't appreciate how fragile it all was . Perhaps if folks looked at the sky and treated the big blue yonder as a sort of sea , then maybe they would be kinder to one and other . When Thing was small he had first seen his reflection in a mirror in school and it had shocked him . He knew he looked like his parents but he didn 't realize how different he looked from the other children . That night he had wondered if this distance between him and the others would last all his life . He never really felt sorry for himself , but he did wonder what kind of God would have made him so different . Then as the years passed in school , he saw that others had their problems too ; even if they all looked alike . Little Johnny had lost his brother in a war , Elsa had been made an orphan after a car crash and little Craig had gotten a disease called cancer and had never returned to school . Everyone was tested Thing realized . Everyone . So he decided that if he had learned anything , it was to be strong when folks bullied and attacked . That everything passes , and that there is more good in the world than bad and that some kids ' parents cripple their off - spring with lies and hate and that , thought Thing , was the worst kind of injury . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Featured Post # bobbystevenson , children 's , children 's story , Short Story , thoughtcontrol1 Comment Flash Fiction , Short StoryThe Wizard of Odd There isn 't anything I can tell you about Abigail that you don 't already know . I mean she was you , me and everyone else who felt let down by life . There is always something , ain 't there ? There 's always that fact about life where it won 't let a body breathe without asking for payment of one kind or another . The more she read of other lives , the more she grew dark and down . Then one morning she decided to fight back , instead of telling the truth she made up her life to be more exotic , more exciting , more colourful than it really was . Well anything was more exciting than sitting in a room and a life lit by the hue of an electronic screen . She started to attract friends and even people she didn 't really know , and they all applauded Abigail for her wonderful and exciting life . The places ( the faked places ) she had been , the lovers she had seen , the dreams she had lived . Abigail had never been so popular in all her life . They had no need to worry where their next research dollar was coming from , indeed none of the team had any need to work for the rest of their lives . The principal was simple although the actual practical solution had taken decades of research : A material that repaired itself . You see it wasn 't so terrible when you put it down on a piece of paper like that . It seemed so innocent , beneficial almost . As with all great ideas there were teething problems . The material , for instance , had to be guarded because of theft . The ' bridgits ' as they became known would hack off a piece of SeRep meaning the bridge would have to repair and replace and then they 'd sell it ( or at least try to ) on the ' Net . Janus Jones was a mid western boy straight out of college and about to set off for the Florida panhandle in a car his Pappy had bought him . The present was not for finishing school but for staying out of jail unlike Kevin , his older brother . Janus could have flown pretty cheaply but he wanted to follow the Mississippi all the way south and then cut across to Tallahassee . Then Kevin jumped in the car . And so the two Jones brothers ( you 'd have sworn they 'd had different fathers ) set off on a trip that would shake their worlds forever . At the trial Kevin , although missing most of his left arm , was still able to act as a credible witness . The way he told things it was as if the brothers had been the innocent victims . That wasn 't totally true . Just before the incident Kevin had driven for several hours south which had let Janus sleep , although with Kevin at the wheel Janus tended not to sleep too soundly . They 'd stopped at the very last bar in Illinois going south to allow Kevin a few beers , Janus drank cola and several of the witnesses had told the court that Kevin had forced Janus to stay , and that Kevin had drank too many beers . That was just Kevin . As they left the car lot , instead of Janus driving , Kevin jumped into the driver 's seat and was beginning to move off . Janus had no choice but to jump in over the rear of the car . Chances are Kevin would have left him for cold , just standing there and let him make his own way home - Kevin had done it before . Kevin drove the car so close to the edge that sparks flew from the girders . Janus ' new car was badly damaged down that side . Not satisfied with this , Kevin started to run the car into the supports causing them to buckle and bend . The cars behind , seeing what had just happened , had managed to swerve around the hole . Kevin swam to shore leaving Janus to sink with his new car . The older boy was way too drunk to try any heroics and was probably lucky just to save himself . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 2 May 20172 May 2017 # bobbystevenson , # thougthcontrol , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , mystery , science fiction , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short StoryOne Night , in 1949 I guess it would be inaccurate to say that the day started with the sun rising , ' cause it didn 't . They day started under the moonlight , up on the Greendowner Hills . It was early on in 1949 and folks were still trying to get things back in order after the big one . People had started travelling again and that 's exactly what Sean McCoy had done . He 'd come in to town to hear the word of the Lord from a young guy called Billy Graham . Yet in the middle of the night , and a mile or so out - of - town , a leak had started from the Pauxanatent Dam . The water had crossed the road , undermining the poles carrying the electricity into town . It was only a matter of time before the supply would be cut , but no one knew that yet . Also coming into town on a bus was a man who was just passing through . He was on his way to Washington D . C . to have a meeting with his state senator . The man on the bus was called Archibald McAllister and he ran a gang down in his part of the country . He was used to dressing up in white sheets and scaring the folks who lived in the area . But what he didn 't know was that the lights were down all over town . Archibald struggled to get up from his bed , and when he succeeded , he tried to light a candle which was sitting in a drawer by the bed . Whatever went wrong - no one could rightly say - but the next thing was , Sean heard the screaming of a man 's voice coming from the room next door . Sean felt his way out of his own door and shouldered open Archibald 's door ( who had locked his on account of the kind of hotel he was in ) . Sean felt his way to the window where there was a vase of flowers and threw the jug of water over Archibald , before wrapping him in the bedclothes . Archibald was moaning but Sean felt that he 'd doused the fire in good time . Sean tried to find a doctor but given the chaos that the darkness had brought , he walked back to Archibald 's room and sat with him . He ripped up what he could of the sheets and made bandages . He kept getting water from the sink to help Archibald with his thirst . Archibald came around some , and started to talk to Sean . In the dark it was hard to imagine what each other looked like . Sean said he would stay with him until it got light and then he 'd try and fetch a doctor . Archibald thanked him and said that if he was ever down Charleston way , then he was to be sure to look him up . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 26 Apr 201725 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , # shortstory , # thoughthcontrol , Short StoryLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short StoryA Child Of Atlantis The house was built to be admired . It had even outshone the new hotel that stood only a few yards away on the corner of Main Street . The town of Kingston was growing up fast , sitting pretty and , above all , ready for the fast approaching twentieth century . Edward continued to work in the trade by investing his money in , and running , The Fifth Avenue Emporium in Manhattan . Each morning , he would ride the train from Kingston into the Grand Central Depot and each evening , after making more dollars than he could ever possibly need , would return home again . If he was being honest , Edward lived for those return train journeys , smoking his cigar and reading his journal as the evening sun set on the shimmering Hudson River . Edward and Isabel were planning to attend The Chicago World 's Fair and would miss their youngest son 's birthday . Edward explained to Isabel , in terms that she would understand , that their son Andrew would have many more birthdays but the World 's Fair only came along once in a generation . Edward felt his wife understood and was happy to comply . Andrew watched the carriage pull away from the house as his parents left for the rail road station and on to Chicago . No one had asked Andrew , but he would have loved to have gone to the World 's Fair . He was now in his tenth year and no one had ever asked Andrew what would make him happy . Andrew loved reading and his current passion was Woodstock by Sir Walter Scott . He had taken the book , with his father 's permission , from the family library believing it to be an adventure story about the little town that lay in the Catskills . Instead , it turned out to be an exciting story about the English Civil War and with the family away the library was all his , so he planned to read Ivanhoe , by the same author , next . One stormy Sunday , and co - incidentally Andrew 's birthday , the nanny was called away to Highland to attend to her mother who was dying . She had given Andrew little thought as she assumed the tutor would be on hand and anyway , she needed to travel the fifteen miles south as soon as possible . The tutor was indeed at home , but had confined himself to bed with a severe cold having been warned by Edward that should he ever be ill , he should separate himself from the family at the earliest opportunity . Not wanting to have the parents come home to find young Andrew the subject of a tutorial infection , he had remained in his top floor bedroom . His father had never taken Andrew as far as Slide Mountain , which according to the tutor , was the highest in the Catskills . It had gained its name from a landslide in the early 1800s which had left the mountain with a large wound near its summit . Andrew 's father was always referring to his own elder brother , Charles , as Slide due to the heavy head injury he had picked up at the Battle of Gettysburg . Andrew decided that since no one was going to ask him , he 'd make his own happiness on his birthday and take himself off to Slide Mountain . So on the afternoon of the stormy Sunday , Andrew took some bread and cheese and placed them in an old satchel . He considered taking his birthday present , just in case of wild animals , but decided against it and condemned the rifle to remain in the cellar . He might be just a kid , but he wasn 't stupid and if there was one thing his father 's hunting trips had taught him was that he had to keep a watch out for wildlife ; for his sake and theirs . Copperhead snakes especially as they were mean . He had only gone a further mile or so , when Andrew heard a rustling sound out to his left , he was hoping it wasn 't hunters or Andrew would be in real trouble . He stopped and held his breath and realised that the sound was following him in parallel . Andrew squatted down and slowly pulled back the vegetation , only to see a black bear cub staring straight back at him . They were both very surprised at the sight of each other which caused Andrew to fall flat on his back and although Andrew knew little about bears , he was surprised that the bear didn 't make his attack . Andrew quickly crawled back a few yards and then stood up , it was then he noticed that the bear cub 's leg was stuck fast in a rock crevice and the poor animal couldn 't move . Andrew found a fallen tree and used it to ease the stone which was holding the cub 's leg , just enough that it was able to free its leg and run for a few yards . It then turned and growled which Andrew had assumed was its way of saying ' thank you ' . Except it wasn 't , it was calling on its mother who was approaching . " Don 't climb the tree " whispered the woman , " you 'll only get yourself trapped , stay perfectly still and look at the ground . Don 't even scratch your nose . If you understand me , breathe a little heavier " Andrew took a long breath . " Good " whispered the caring voice . " Now don 't be alarmed little one but I 'm going to pick you up and run some , only a short distance . " ' Don 't run , don 't run ' was still going through Andrew 's mind , when all of a sudden two large arms came around the tree and lifted him off his feet . He could hear the bear growling and starting to move towards him . Andrew was almost hanging upside down from the gigantic woman 's arms and he could see the bear closing in when all of a sudden he was in a small room with a door and no windows . The gigantic woman threw Andrew in the corner then placed a large piece of wood across the door . The woman signalled to Andrew to be quiet , which he did to such an extent that he almost stopped breathing . And that is what they did . Mary kept an ever watchful eye out for anything else , as she and Andrew walked to higher ground , arriving at the homely cabin with the smoke coming out of the chimney . In that little hour , Andrew was probably shown more care and love than he 'd been shown in all his short life . Because they had not mixed with any other beings , they believed that this was how life was meant to be lived , that each of us should always love and care for one another . But then , and remember this was still a very long time ago , the land of Atlantis arose in steam and fire and the ground below their feet began to break apart . Some swam , others took to the hills while some built small rafts and put to sea . As they looked back from their little boats they could see the land of their home disappear below the waves . Not everyone was lucky enough to claim such heritage , but once in a generation a child would appear who had all the properties of Atlantis . They would be kind and loving , although they would be rarely understood . They would go out into the world and although they would be alone , they would do great things because they knew that they were children of Atlantis and they would never forget . " P … l … . e … a … . s … e ! " He said in one of those elongated ways , that folks from town always used . This was Alabama and the way people talked could be used as a weapon , as well as a way into your heart . Tru and Nelle had been friends since they were embryos . The first one born probably waited on the other to arrive . They were close as any two souls could be . Nelle loved Tru 's bouncy hair and Tru loved the fact that Nelle didn 't realise she was a girl . The place they were heading was over on the other side of town , a place her father , Amasa , had told her never to go near . Her mother , on the other hand didn 't care , she never cared about anything Nelle or Tru got up to . Or anything her father did , either . And sure enough , that is exactly what it was . Nelle walked right over to the body just as a wave of decomposing flesh hit her nose . Undeterred , she covered her face with her bottom of her shirt and went in for a closer look . Tru told her that he heard it was a black man who had been chased out of the next town over on account he 'd been cheating . Nelle asked Tru what he 'd been cheating at , was it playing cards or something ? Tru hadn 't heard the rest of the conversation from the boys but he was sure that they had mentioned something about someone 's wife . " He 'd been cheating at cards with someone 's wife , " said Nelle , nodding her head as if she 'd got to the core of the mystery . Not wanting to show any fear , Nelle crawled over and turned the body over . Half of the man 's face had been eaten or bashed in , neither of them were sure . What they were sure of was , that both were just as fascinated by the dead man as each other . Then there are people like me , Michael Andrews , sometime author , sometimes happy but mostly otherwise confused . There are days when I intentionally tell myself I 'm stupid so as not to think too much , so as not to over analyse too much . But on other days … well on those other days I look around and scare myself with what I see . All of us sharing a little rock in space without rhyme nor reason , perhaps that is part of what makes me an author or maybe I 'm just going plain mad . But when I turned around no one was looking . No one was staring and everyone was going about their business . Now I know what you 're thinking . You 're saying it 's the start of the decline , the start of the long journey into the dark . Soon names will be a thing of the past and I will be left in a corner with vacant eyes . I let it be . I went about my life ignoring the look of strangers . Some still walked by me and watched my face as if they were drinking in every last detail . Then one night in the Gin Joint Cafe I drank more than I should have . I sat at the bar like the old soak of a writer I was . It had just gone eleven o ' clock when the girl sat next to me . So now you know what I know . When you get that look from a stranger then perhaps they are more than just inquisitive . Perhaps they are one of your own descendants or a student or a time tourist . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 25 Apr 201725 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , # CityLife , # SciFi , # shortstories , # shortstory , Short Story , Writers , WritingLeave a comment comedy , Flash Fiction , historical , UncategorizedCycling To Shoreham 1901 Whenever Tommy was excited or stressed , which to be honest was most days , he 'd put the word ' chuffing ' in front of everything . For instance , today was going to be a blooming chuffing day with loads of chuffing hills to cycle up and when we got to the ballyhoo top well we 'd chuffing have a pick nick . Tommy was a good egg , a decent sort who would lift a finger to help anyone , a talented tennis player , cyclist and a very good footballer . On the other side , he was a frightful drunk , which thank goodness had only been that once , he was extremely competitive - he would bet you a farthing on who would blink first and he was useless with money . Apart from that he was the kind of gent you would be proud to call a friend . " Will you please tell that very stupid friend of yours that it is far too early in the morning for his buffoonery " said my rather grumpy father without opening his eyes ( apparently it helped him get back to sleep quicker ) . Like Tommy , my father tended to hook in a word and then beat it to death with its overuse . ' Buffoon ' and ' buffoonery ' were both in the process of getting six shades of purple knocked out of them . Luckily he hadn 't heard Tommy 's current obsession or that would have resulted in me having to leave home and declaring myself an orphan . Every since he 'd read The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes , I had received that name . It was better just to smile and accept my fate because he might come up with something far , far worse . On our cycling trips Tommy wanted to be known as Moriarty because he said the name felt good on his tongue . I know what you 're thinking , Tommy wasn 't the most intelligent of my friends . Toast , crumpets and coffee were the order of the day at Mrs O ' Reilly 's tea room in Lewisham , a bargain at one shilling . Mrs O ' Reilly had long since departed this life and gone to the big tea room in the sky . The place was actually run by a man with the name of Derek . " Because my fine fellow , it is a hot bed of liberalism and creativity . People have really let things slide in this village . There are some women who are so close to looking like men , that one might wish them ' a good morning sir ' without realising . " " Worse still . . " Tommy looks around before whispering " . . there are men in this village who do not like the company of women . There I 've said the chuffing thing . It 's too late but it 's out in the big world for all to know . " " She did , and Father said that any woman who was stupid enough to try to fry porridge shouldn 't expect any conversation to be thrown her way in future and that was that . He never said a bally word to her again . He said she was an imbecile , a harsh word I grant you , but I think that was his word of the week at that particular time . " That is why , by the time we got to the little village , Tommy had dropped the word ' chuffing ' in favour of the word ' imbecile ' . Why hadn 't I said that my father had called my mother ' lovable ' or had given her money to shut her up ? Maybe then Tommy would have done the same . About one - third of the way up the hill , Tommy suggested that we dismount and push our bicycles up the rest of the way . Apparently it didn 't do the bicycles much good to be treated to a hill in the manner we were riding them . To be honest I thought maybe Tommy found the hill a little too steep but in fear of being called an imbecile , I refrained . Why people steal bicycles is beyond me , and two of them at the same time . You have to ask yourself - was the thief a member of some circus troupe ? However the dastardly deed was done and it meant that cycling back to London was now out of the question . A train was called for and a train it would be . Tommy suggested that we travel back by First Class and that I should foot the bill seeing as I was the last one to see the bally bicycles . I actually think the last time I saw them , I said " Tommy , do you think the bicycles are safe by that public house ? " Whereupon Tommy called me an imbecile and told me in no uncertain terms that if I was worried about people stealing our property , well that sort of thing just didn 't happen in the countryside . Then he said " Grow up man . " The next time I looked the bicycles were gone . It was inevitable that one day they would start to see each other in a differing light . One evening Jethro looked at Kitty and saw , not a little friend who needed to be rescued , but a beautiful young girl who needed to be held . And one summer 's day , instead of a little boy who always needed his nose wiped or his tears dried , Kitty saw a strong upstanding boy who she could think of perhaps marrying , one day . There was one crazy dream that they both shared ( Kitty thinks she first read about it in a book ) and it was their wish to go skiing in Central Park in New York City . Neither of them had ever been in another country but this seemed the perfect reason to go . They knew there were only the smallest of hills in the park but that didn 't put either of them off - not one bit . Every winter they would talk about going to New York , and then before they knew it , another year had passed . They were in their sixties when Jethro started to get ill , and it meant that Kitty spent more and more time looking after him . It wasn 't a chore , she just worried about her little boy who had once lived next door to her . One winter , just before the start of December , Jethro shut his eyes for the last time . When Kitty found herself brave enough , she started to sort out Jethro 's things . In an old jacket she found details about a savings account in the little bank at the top of street . When she got to New York it was September , in fact the hottest month since records began - so skiing was out the question . That night she sat in her hotel room and talked to Jethro as she always did , and after telling him she hoped he was well where ever he was , she mentioned the lack of snow . It was just then that a TV show came on about the Guggenheim Museum in New York and it gave her an idea . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 24 Apr 201724 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , NewYork , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short Story , UncategorizedThe Man From Biloxi The first time I seen him was on 8th Avenue , that must have been around early ' 51 . I mean he was a street man and all , so he played his music a little , he begged for a few cents , and above all , he survived . Some days , he 'd be sitting in that old coffee bar - the one that used to stand on the edge of Hell 's Kitchen . I 'd nod and he 'd call me over and introduce me to his latest friend . Sometimes , it was a writer called Jack Kerouac , or a strange little man out of Wyoming , name of Jackson Pollock . One night , my friend , the man who played the trumpet on 8th Avenue , took me to a night club just north of Central Park . I can 't recall who was playing but as we sat down at a table , my bud introduced me to Miles Davis . Man I had always wanted to meet this cat , but the soul who sat in front of me was drained of life , he was solid gone . This genius was as low as anyone could be . He kept trying to find anyone in the club who could provide him with a little something to get him back on his feet . It was only later I realised that he meant drugs . The Christmas of 1951 was a real freezer as I recall . The snow just lay on the streets and folks dealt with it best they could . My youngest , Albert , slid while trying to cross a street and a bus ran over his leg . I had only turned my back to see where my daughter was , when the accident happened . My boy had struck his head on the way down , and things didn 't look good . Not good at all . The doctor said that we should prepare for the worst . How your life can change in an instant - I mean , you got to hold on to everything and enjoy it . At the hospital I walked to the window to get some air , and as I opened it I could hear the sweet sound of a trumpet 's notes floating in the night . Sure enough , across the street , was my pal playing for my son and my family . His way of saying ' I 'm here for you , buddy ' . The last time I saw my pal was in the summer of 1952 . Albert had made a full recovery and we 'd gone for a walk in Central Park . I remember that day so well as it was over a 100 degrees and folks were falling down all over the place . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 24 Apr 201724 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , Short Story , USA2 Comments UncategorizedAmazing Grace It 's funny how no one talks about Amazing Grace anymore . I guess she 's been gone a long time . I guess if you didn 't forget about people then we 'd still be talking about folks who lived in caves . They say you die twice , once when your heart stops and the second time when the last person mentions your name . My Granddaddy passed away when I was ten years old and one night I was sitting on the back porch looking up at the sky to see if I could see as far as heaven . I was eating a carrot because my Ma said that they were good for your eyes and if you ate enough then I reckoned I could see as far as Heaven ( although I 'm not too sure how far it is away ) . My Granddaddy always said nothing was worth travelling for , if it was more than two days drive away . So I 'm guessing Heaven is only two days by car ( assuming you can drive a car in the sky , that is ) . Anyway , in between munching my carrot and staring at the sky , Amazing Grace came and sat beside me - she had a way of making you feel better by just by being there . " And if you didn 't feel sad or even happy at some time in your life , then you 'd never know how the other folks on the bus were feeling . We hurt so that we can help others - that way we know how they 're feeling and we also hurt because we have to say goodbye at times . It 's no one 's fault . It 's the rules of the bus and we have to live by them . " " So you see , we hurt and cry and laugh and smile because it 's the only way we can know what 's going on in another 's heart . That 's what makes us all one . Some are happy on a par - tic - cu - lar day and some are sad on the same day and those who are happy have already been sad and know how it feels . So they help the sad ones to be happy again . If we didn 't feel things how could we understand anyone else ? " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 23 Jan 201723 Jan 2017 # bobbystevenson , children 's story , fcition , flash fiction , Grace , Life , Short Story3 Comments American , Flash Fiction , Short StoryMe and Buzz and Soccer and Filmin ' 1 . Soccer One of the other times that Buzz had a mid - life crisis was that summer when his first hair grew out of his chin . You would have thought that he was Fu Man Choo or somethin ' . I didn 't see Buzz until two days later and by then he was talkin ' real funny like . I 'm thinkin ' to myself , I 've heard this funny talk before and sure enough I remember - right in the middle of the night , I shout out , ' Mary Poppins ' . Buzz sounded like Dick Van Dyke in that movie . I ain 't sure where Buzz got the gun from , but I do remember a story a while back about Buzz 's uncle Joshua who was thrown in jail for holding up a burger joint . Somehow the store owner convinced his uncle Joshua to take some French fries and a soda rather than the contents of the money drawer . Still , he went to jail all the same . I don 't remember any gun being used but I guess that 's where Buzz got it . I 'm just saying , as it would have saved a lot of trouble . I 've never seen a grown man being shot in the bee - hind before but Samuel Brooks hollered and screamed like the world was coming to an end . It was only a bullet in the butt , what was the big problem ? Buzz was hauled in front of Judge Pickering and folks were telling me that Buzz would probably get the electric chair or something . At the time ( I was young then ) I thought giving someone an electric chair was a real strange thing to do . Where would ya keep it ? Anyways , I had filmed the whole thing and we were allowed to show it in court . The judge said it was okay to show a movie . Some folks brought in popcorn . From the movie , you could see that as Buzz was pulling the trigger , he shut his eyes and didn 't really mean to hit anyone . At the end of the movie some of Buzz 's family started clapping - so Buzz got up and took a bow . Which I have to say was pretty cool . Buzz started waving , movie star like , to the folks upstairs in the gallery . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 20 Jan 201719 Jan 2017 # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , Buzz , Short Story1 Comment UncategorizedThe Proof of God He could do nothing but stare at the paper . Then he re - checked it and checked it again . He was trembling . I mean really shaking . The way you dreamed of something really good happening and then it does , and it never feels real . He 'd only been trying to solve one of the oldest mathematical quandaries when he 'd tripped over this sequence . Perhaps it was meant , the next stage in evolution , the next stage in man 's development . Hey , he was getting a bit ahead of himself . Time to stop shaking , calm down and take stock of what he thought he had on this piece of paper . If he was correct ( and he was starting to think that he was ) , then the Greenock Sequence proved without a shadow of doubt that God had to exist to make the universe work . It explained much about dark energy and dark matter , it explained the whole show . It explained this thing called life and he 'd accidentally found it while looking for something else . Had he been chosen ? What if he was wrong and he was so desperate to be known for something that he was getting it all wrong ? He re - wrote the numbers and the sequence . There wasn 't a doubt , the sequence was correct - God Existed . Perhaps it would stop wars , stop people doubting . He scored through the word ' Greenock ' and put in the word ' God ' - seemed fitting somehow . I mean it was his / her numbers after all . ' The God Sequence ' . He decided to sleep on it one more night and then he 'd take the numbers to someone . The funny thing was , he prayed that night . Since there wasn 't any doubt about the existence , why not have a chat with the deity ? For the first time in years he got down on his knees . " I just wanted to say thanks for this . I mean , thank you from the bottom of my heart . I just wanted to know what I should do next . Amen . " In the morning , which was a glorious one , he had breakfast , got dressed in his best suit and headed off to the local church . He smiled and thought , God knows how to put on a morning . He whistled all the way to the car . He stopped the car outside the nearest church , got out and knocked the door . A foreign looking woman told him that the Holy Father was out back . The priest was out in his garden tending to his roses and as he stood there watching the man of God , he didn 't know whether to shout , hug the man or just cough to let the priest know he was there . He chose the latter . " Throw them on the fire , there 's a good man . Now is it a death or a birth ? Lovely day for either , " laughed the old man . " Why would I need proof ? " Asked the old man . " After all , I talk to the Big Man , every day . Are you saying , I 'm some sort of eejit ? The old man just smiled . " Don 't you see ? If we could prove that God exists there would be no need for faith , and if there was no need for faith , there would be no need for the Church . And if there was no need for the Church , I would be out of a job . So be very careful with what you 've got there . It could harm a lot of people . " He knew he could re - create the numbers again , that wasn 't a problem . He just hadn 't been ready for the way the priest had re - acted . Surely he wasn 't typical of the church ? After his Grandfather had passed away , Tommy was given the choice of any piece in the old house . He settled on a small , beautifully carved , wooden box that once held his Grandfather 's pipe tobacco and a watercolour of the hills above the village , painted in his Grandfather 's own hand . These would be the two possession he would take with him to start his life . To raise the cash , Tommy worked on Sid 's farm from sun - up until dusk , then at Bella 's cafe until nine at night , followed by the Climber 's bar until one in the morning . When he had finished , he would deposit all of his day 's earning in the beautifully carved tobacco box and collapse onto the bed . By the morning , he was like a new man and would be itching to start all over again . The day he left , was just like any other one , he awoke with the sun rise and decided to slip away before the rest of the family rose . It was easier that way . He lifted his rucksack and prepared to walk the twelve miles to the railway station . The weather was kind and he arrived with plenty of time to spare . Tommy decided to spend a couple of his hard - earned pennies on a cup of tea but anything as frivolous as a cake was not to be entertained . He reached into his sack and discovered that his mother had packed several sandwiches in a brown bag . He smiled to himself . They were his favourites - all filled with cheese and onion , and as he lifted one out to take with his cup of tea , a note fell from the brown paper bag . There were enough sandwiches to feed a small army and would easily keep Tommy satisfied on the journey south . He couldn 't remember mentioning he was going to start his life to his Mum but that was mothers for you . They knew everything , sometimes before you even knew them yourself . When he opened the train door he could actually smell London and it spoke of streets of dreams , and hopes and people who would become his friends . He felt as if he already belonged , and although there was no one there to meet him , it seemed as if everyone was there to meet everyone else . What a place to start a life and what a place to call home . He spent the first night in a small hotel near Victoria station . It was run by an old woman , of maybe forty years of age , according to Tommy . She insisted that he call her ' Twiggy ' . He 'd never seen such an old woman wear such a small revealing dress . Tommy asked some of the men if they knew where he could get a ticket for the final of the World Cup . All of them , without exception , started laughing . " Oh , that 's a good one " , " That 'll keep me chuckling all day . Thanks lad " , " Aye , thanks " . There was now two days until the Final ; surely someone was willing to sell him a ticket ? To be honest he didn 't really know where Wembley Stadium was . " Somewhere in the north of the city , or the west " was how his brother had described it . So Tommy started walking . He felt it was best to avoid buses and The Underground until he knew London better . Within an hour , he 'd arrived at Camden Lock and this place was alive with music and flags and laughter . It appeared to be the centre of the world for celebrating England qualifying for the Final . There were parties in windows above him , people on roofs dancing . A conga line made up of a dozen or so very happy people came out of a bar , slithered its way across the road and into a bar opposite . All these people , thought Tommy , had already started their lives and this made him grow even more excited to start his . As he neared Kentish Town , he noticed a small cafe on his left . The place smelt of coffee , looked as if it was in Morocco and had the mellow sounds of jazz drifting out through the door . This was heaven . There was only the smallest amount of coffee at the bottom of a very tiny cup . The waitress smiled and moved on . Tommy noticed people piling sugar on top of the coffee and so he did the same . He shouldn 't have swallowed all the contents at once ; he realised that the moment he went dizzy , " I don 't smoke " said Tommy . " This ain 't smoking , this is living " said an agreeable Herbie . So if it meant his life would start sooner rather than later , Tommy decided to smoke a cigarette . " We carried you up after you passed out " said the ever - present Herbie . " I guess the cigarette was too much man and maybe the coffee , man . You got to take that coffee wisely , man . It can floor a buffalo " In Aberfan in Wales , a mountain of coal mining waste had slipped in the heavy rain and covered a primary school . " We got to go man . You and me , we got to help those people . Those children " and Tommy sat beside Herbie and they both sobbed into each other 's arms . Tommy had saved enough money to get him and Herbie as far as Merthyr Tydfil and then they would have to walk the rest . It was dark by the time they reached the village , but there were lights everywhere , all the way up the mountainside . No matter how tired they felt they got to work right away , digging the slurry that covered the school and the little ones . At least several hundred children , teachers and parents were missing . The slurry had slipped across the school and into the houses opposite . Tommy was digging between the houses and the school and as he looked up he saw Herbie carrying a child with a cover over the body . Herbie looked at Tommy and his eyes spoke of a million things he had seen that evening . This is not to say that the boys were heroes , everyone was a hero that weekend . Everyone pushed themselves beyond what they thought they were capable of , to release the little bodies . Herbie was told to take a break and he reluctantly did so . He went over to Tommy and shared a French cigarette and Tommy smoked it with him . A bearded man stopped and asked if he could possibly have a cigarette and Herbie invited him to sit . The man told them that his child had been ill that day and had stayed at home with his wife . His other child had gone to school and he had survived but the slurry had taken his home with his two darlings . There are times in your life when you know that something you have taken part in or witnessed will change your soul . Tommy knew it . It didn 't make him bitter , it just made him realise that we are each other 's keepers and we are all in this together . Good and bad times . Tommy sat at the station for several hours before he felt that something was wrong . He tried the Merthyr Tydfil police station to see if maybe Herbie had hitched naked and been arrested . It was just a thought to cheer himself up . The policeman informed him that they were too busy and that all missing reports were being centralised in Cardiff . He would be better going there . It was Tuesday before he found Herbie 's body lying in the morgue . It seemed one of the trucks taking slurry from the school hadn 't seen him in the lashing rain . He had been hit and died instantly . And that is when he realised that you don 't ever wait to start your life . It begins the very first day you are born . Tommy was living when he was at home , he was alive when he was in the room above the cafe and he was most certainly living when he was with his best friend Herbie . Tommy had been alive all his life , he just hadn 't realised it . Or at least that was the impression he gave and it had served him well throughout his life . He might only have been on this earth seventeen summers but he was brave , respected by his men and ready to face any foe . Everything he did was in the pursuit of treasure and in the search for those great adventures . Now he was resting with his eyes closed and his legs raised on the deck of the Greenock Road . This was his vessel and it carried the name of the town that was etched on his heart - and soon the ship would have a new worthy cargo , a passenger , a man by the name of Archibald Campbell known to world as the Earl of Argyll . The Earl 's family would pay very handsomely , very handsomely indeed to have their own rascal returned in one piece . There was a shot across the bow of the Greenock Road and then another which hit the stern , knocking Kidd flying back and sending wood splinters into the eyes of those close . He crawled to the edge and tried to look through his eye - piece but there was too much smoke . His first thoughts were of the excise men but then he saw the flag , it was the dogs who normally lay off of Tobermory and their ship , the Black Death . One - eyed was right ' though , there were only two ways out of this . He couldn 't outrun the larger vessel but maybe , with the luck of the devil , he could find a passage through the monster called Corryvreckan . That would allow them to take shelter in a small cove at the back of the isle of Scarba and let their troubles pass . Corryvreckan was said to be the largest whirlpool in the known world and everyone could tell you bad stories about the place . With the seas being at a flood tide , he could hear the roar even now and they were at least a half hour 's sail from the eye . The waves spread out like a web and could easily reach up to thirty feet or more . This was going to be a ride that would see them safely home or take every last one of them to hell . When times were hard , which they always seemed to be these days , Kidd had raided the Black Death on more than one occasion . He 'd wait until many of its crew were ashore and then his gang would steal whatever they could . He 'd thought about taking the Black Death itself but he didn 't have the men to get it safely away . Kidd lived by one philosophy and that was , he knew he had the ability to do anything . He did it and he succeeded . If you thought of failure you were half way there as his father , the old minister , used to tell him every day of his early life . So he was going to take his ship through the Corryvreckan at flood tide and he was going to survive . " If we go through the Corry ' on this heading we 'll capsize anyway " cried Kidd through the increasing maelstrom and yet he was still smiling - he was loving this . So about turn they did , causing the Greenock Road to sweep out towards Jura . The Black Death however , being a large vessel , shot past with a very surprised crew all staring at that last manoeuvre of Kidd 's . " How , in all that 's God - given , did he do that ? " shouted Hair - lip Hansa who was hanging upside down from the poop deck of the Death . That was the final sighting of the Black Death as it disappeared into the whirlpool and into folklore . Songs would be sung and stories would be told of the ghostly figures who haunted the Corryvreckan . They could wait there for the Earl 's ship , the one taking him to Edinburgh by a route around the top of Scotland . This sea trip was safer for the Earl than taking the coach and horses through Glen Douglas and down the Rest - and - be - thankful where bandits lay in wait for any , and all , well - healed traveller . Very few ever made it to Arrochar alive . Both Kidd and Samson , the blackest of the dogs and the Cap ' n and leader of the Tobermory gang had played a waiting game with the Earl . They had both steered well clear of attacking the ship , as each time they did so the military on board would have doubled . So to let the Earl think that he had safe passage was to have the opposite effect . The Earl had fewer men on board each trip , leaving him wide open for that one attack , the one that Kidd planned to carry out today . Kidd and the kitchen boy had rehearsed their moves several times , each time Kidd would let the Earl 's ship pass safely . Kidd has several pigeons on board , some for eating and some had been trained to fly to the castle by the Earl 's staff . They were used to send messages back to Inveraray as the ship sailed around the coast . The kitchen boy had stolen some of them and they had been passed on to Kidd . When the Earl 's ship , the Queen Margaret , was ready to set sail , the boy would get his father to fire a shot high above the woods of Loch Fyne . It could be heard way over towards St Agnes ' Bay . No one had ever put the shot and the ship 's departure together as nothing ever happened . It was a quick and clever manoeuvre from Kidd that found the crew of the Margaret completely overwhelmed . The pirates boarded the ship and the Earl was tied and stowed within thirty minutes . The few military men who were on the vessel were either put to the sword or thrown overboard . Normally Kidd did this on the high seas when there was nowhere for them to swim to but the speed and success of this kidnap had pleased him , he was willing to let some of them go . The Earl and Kidd dined together that evening and found each other 's company agreeable . Kidd even mentioned that in another life the two of them might have become friends . They drank to that point several times and to a few more besides . Was that a flicker of light he could see on the Port side ? It looked almost like a ship . The sky went dark once more and although he was usually sharp - eyed he felt the brandy had perhaps taken its toll . Kidd had left the Earl back on the ship with most of his crew on the slim chance that this was a trap . Although he was sure that the King 's men could not have heard the news about what had happened at Inveraray and then crossed here so fast . No , this was the work of someone else . On clear days I could spot the horizon and that meant everything to me . It was the tallest of houses and the happiest of homes . It was stuffed full to the rafters with sisters and brothers and my mother and father . We helped each other and we supported each other . We made each other smile and sometimes we made each other cry . These were the days which were warmed by the sun and seemed to last forever . In the winter we drank broth and ate stews and hunkered down in the heat of each other 's company , comfortable that the others were there . There were card games , singing , communal cooking and laughter , oh yes , the laughter . There was always someone laughing in that house . When the storms hit the house , it rocked and swayed and the more it rocked and swayed , the more we felt safe . Don 't ask me what I mean by that , just that you had to be there to understand . My Grandpa had built it for the simple reason that he wanted to prove you could build a house on the sand by the sea . There were those in town who said he was a brick short of a chimney but my Grandpa had always believed in himself and so it had happened . And having been built by such a kind soul and even kinder heart meant that the very building seemed to bleed understanding and tolerance . When it swayed in the wind it sang to us , the building actually felt as if it was telling you that nothing was going to harm you . We were just to relax and bend with the wind . There was a writing room or rather I used it to write in it , but my brothers and sisters would read , paint , listen to the radio , have heartfelt discussions about the world and all the stars , in it . I learned a lot of things about life in that room and some things I probably shouldn 't have . I realise now how lucky I was back then , what with all that softness , that gentleness , that amount of caring from my family ; all of it given to me by some higher force . Boy was I the lucky one . My father and mother taught us to never ever to take anything for granted . To smell the rain , to feel the flowers , to stand on the roof of the house some days and just scream , scream for your very existence . Sometimes I 'd scream for the overwhelming energy that was the world and some times I would scream for all the injustices that we heap on each other ( even on ourselves ) for there is no crueller person in the world than those things we do to our own minds and hearts . It 's like the man said , if we treated other people the way we treated ourselves , we wouldn 't last long . So I wrote and wrote about the way things changed and the way that things stayed the same . I wrote about love and hate and war and peace . Those days were the most perfect of my life . But as I 've written in these pages before , no one ever tells you that you are passing perfection - you only ever see it in the rear view mirror and that 's when you realise that there 's no reverse . Sometimes I would sit with a hand under my chin waiting on the rest of the family to come down , trying to look European ( although I wasn 't real sure what that meant ) . Other times I would sit with Grandpa 's old pipe and stare out to sea as if the meaning of life was somewhere out there to be found . Man , that pipe tasted real bad . Then one morning my father came into breakfast and told everyone to remain calm and not to worry but Grandma had been taken to hospital . She had been my moon and my stars when I was growing up . She was the one who encouraged me to write , who had read Dickens to me and who now would listen to my own stories . In the evening when I was writing I could hear the dance music coming from their gramophone . Boy they loved to dance . When they were younger they would travel the county taking part in competitions . Their room was full to the roof with trophies . When we got up there , boy it was warm and you could see for miles . I turned the handle on the gramophone and put on her favourite tune and then she asked me to dance . I took her hand and I bowed and then we danced as if she was seventeen again . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 27 Dec 201626 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , fiction , flash fiction , Short Story , thoughtcontrol6 Comments # hope , # love , Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryThe Morning of the Day … . . She could feel the sun on her heart , as its rays broke through the window . There was a bird , a blackbird , singing in the old twisted trees . She heard the cyclists from the city , shouting to one another as their bikes sailed past her front door . The aroma of the freshly made coffee had skipped the stairs and had , instead , entered her room through a little opened window . There was a quiet tap as a Bee kept hitting on her glass pane , looking for somewhere new to live . She had done with the dull days , and the rain , and the mist that had arrived with the darkness . She had done with avoiding mirrors and reflections . She was finished with treating herself as the enemy , and listening to the sourness of others : their paths were their problems , their responsibilities . Don 't let the way it looks fool you . You might go riding by one Sunday and see the house and think it wasn 't much cared for , but that just ain 't the truth . It was a house built and filled with love and like many things in this life , it had its time and its place . It had been made for the time of the Mulligans and nothing else . That 's the way some things just work out . Grandpa Mulligan had come from Ireland by way of New York City . He found that he couldn 't take to a place with those new - fangled electrical lights . It wasn 't natural and it wasn 't him . He wanted to look at the sky and see it the way God had intended . So he traveled as far west as his money would take him , except for the little bit he 'd put aside to buy some land . The scrub he bought wasn 't the best of farming land but it was good enough to raise horses and that is what he knew and that was what he was good at . Soon Grandpa had a little business going on in town . The railroad still hadn 't hit Fort Augustus yet , so Grandpa was looking after the stagecoach , Calvary and mail horses . He needed a person back in the office to take care of things , keep the books and count the money . When he advertised in the local paper , he didn 't reckon on a woman coming all the way from the north for the job . This turned out to be Grandma . When a twenty - nine year old half - Cherokee beauty presented her self at the stables , my Grandpa ' just went stone crazy ' . My mother was the first - born , and when she arrived , my Grandpa made a promise that they 'd have a big house on the prairie . He built that place at night and at weekends . He didn 't get much help since the pastor had told the town 's folk that anyone helping a Cherokee lover was a sinner in his eyes . I guess the pastor had to do what he had to do . All in all , the house grew by seven kids : two girls and five boys . My grandpa called his first boy , Pete , after his pal and the other twin he called Sean . After his own brother who had died in the famine back in Ireland . He always said that he would carry Sean 's spirit around with him as they had promised each other when they were boys that they 'd go to the United States of America together . " Brother against brother , it wasn 't right . Won 't be fixed for a long time . South don 't trust the north and north don 't trust the south . " My Grandpa being my Grandpa didn 't take well to the motor car when it showed up in town . Sure they were still using horses but I think my Grandma could see the writing on the wall and told him to hand the business over to the boys . It was a new century and the world was changing mighty fast . My Grandpa still put a shoe on the odd horse here and there , but for all things my Grandpa had retired . It was in New York that Grandpa met the only other pal , he had . He was known in the family as The Colonel . No one ever explained why he was called that but everyone took to him and his greatest asset was that he had an aeroplane . It hadn 't been long since the Wright Brothers had flown along Kitty Hawk but The Colonel had found out about it and got himself one . But by this time the town 's folk had grown tired of the pastor and his sermonizing and had decided that flying was a good thing . It was my father who had really taken to it . He would never leave The Colonel 's side when he was in town . As a thank you , The Colonel would take him up in the aeroplane . When my father was fifteen he tried to build his own ' plane but it crashed into the barn and he broke his arm and leg . But let me go right back to the beginning when my Grandpa was living where the house is now , but back then he was squatting in a big tent . Sometimes , in the middle of the night , the wild animals would come in and steal his food , but most ways he was really happy . He would tend to the horses in town during the day and at night he 'd sit by a big fire and sketch the house he was going to build for his family . So her brother realized that he was losing the battle and backed down . He said he would be on his way in the morning and my grandparents seemed happy with that state of affairs . But the Cherokee rose early and on his way through town he woke my Grandma and forced her to come with him . He tied her hands and her mouth in case she had any ideas about screaming . The Cherokee rode with himself and his sister on the one horse and was over the Mountains of The Ancestors by the second day . That night my Grandpa pitched up in a peak overlooking the Lost Valley below . He could see the fire that warmed my Grandma , but those folks were a day 's ride away . There was a legend in that area at that time of a bear called ' Satchmo ' . The biggest goddamn bear that side of the mountains ; to most it was only a story . That is , until that day when it showed up to the party . My Grandpa shouted that the bear was behind the Cherokee but until he smelt him , he didn 't believe that the white man was telling the truth . As the Cherokee turned Satchmo made a swipe at the man and my Grandpa seeing the trouble they were in , made my Grandma hide in the trees . He then got the biggest tree branch he could carry and started to stab at the bear . It looked as if the Cherokee 's days on Earth were numbered , until my Grandpa stabbed the bear right in the eye . It howled and roared and probably said a few cussin ' words in bear talk . And that is what he did . No one knows if he survived the jump . When my grandparents went down the mountain , all they found was Satchmo , as dead as any bear could be . There was no sign of my great - uncle , because that is what the Cherokee was - my family . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 15 Dec 201614 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # bobbystevenson @ bobbystevenson , # home , # house , # shortstory , family , Short Story , USALeave a comment # Dreams , # hope , American , American Dreams , Children 's , comedy , Living Happy , Storytelling , USAMe and Buzz and Lyin ' There was a time back then , a long time after Buzz 's pappy had left for somewhere down south , that Buzz took to lyin ' to make himself feel better . Well maybe not lyin ' exactly , more exaggeratin ' usin ' stories that weren 't the whole truth and nothin ' but the truth . Sometimes Buzz and his exaggeratin ' could get a little out of control . Like the time , one July , a man from the Centerville Times came over to our town to look for ukulele players for some competition in the newspaper . Buzz wasn 't interested until he heard that the prize was fifty bucks . I think Buzz thought the money would get him to find his paw and bring him home , on account that his maw spent most nights crying through the wall of their home . " Step right up here , ladies and gents and sign up for the most prestigious prize this side of Two Forks River . Step right up . Here 's a fine gentleman ready to put his John Hancock on the paper . " When I look up I 'm already too late ' cause Buzz has put his signature on the competition entry . I tried to grab the pen off of him but he just looked at me and said that I owed the man one buck entry fee on account that his pockets were empty . Apparently royal people , like princes , don 't carry money . Now , I did not know that . Maybe I was being a bit stupid and perhaps Buzz actually could learn to play the ukulele in fourteen days . There was probably a book somewhere called ' Play The Ukulele in Two Weeks ' . A buck fifty for the book and a big load of money in return . " What 's that ? " He asked me , and right then was the point that I gave up on my friend . I ain 't proud of it , but I thought there goes my buck down the river . I ain 't goin ' to see that again . When Buzz told me the plan , I actually thought that it might work . What he hadn 't bargained on was Becky Smallhousen hittin ' a load of poison Ivy on the mornin ' of the competition and her head blowin ' up to three times its normal size . At least that 's what Buzz said . So that was the plan , I would hide in the bush and attempt to play the ukulele while Buzz stood out front . I say it was a plan - ' cause that was what is was , until Buzz bumped into the Smith Twins who could play any kinda instrument . There was a story that they could blow air up any animals ' be - hind and get a tune from it . It started real good , The man from the Centerville Times introduced Prince Buzz , son of the King of England . Buzz stamped his feet and a beautiful ukulele tune came from what seemed like Buzz . The trouble was that as one twin played the ukulele the other twin couldn 't resist joinin ' in on the spoons and it kinda gave the game away . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 3 Dec 20163 Dec 2016 # America , # bobbystevenson , # shortstory , # Ukulele , Buddies , Buzz , comedy , Me , PALS , Short Story , USALeave a comment Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Short StoryThe Ship For as long as anyone could remember there had always been the ship . People were born , people lived their lives , and people died , on the ship . Salt water was converted to fresh , fish were taken from the sea , and fruits and vegetables were grown on the upper decks . The ship never went anywhere in particular , because no one knew of the concept of ' a place to go ' . The ship just kept sailing on towards a horizon which it never reached . Over the years there were two types of people - those who explained all the ship 's trials and dilemmas in terms of science , and those who described the ship as a ' toy of a greater being ' . Both had rules , the science created rules to allow everyone to live comfortably on the ship - the others , well they wrote rules about who and what you were permitted to do . They felt that as their god had provided the ship , then that god should not be angered . People had to marry , have children and thank their god at every opportunity . In the end , no one ever really knew what the truth was . The scientists believed there had been a world , once upon a time , which had flooded - and that those on the ship were the only souls left . When someone from a science family died , they were buried overboard in order to feed the fishes - ' the circle of life ' they called it . When one of the ship - god souls died they were also buried overboard , but were expected to rise to the heavens and live among the stars . " We have no means of knowing why or how we came to exist on this ship . We must live together , not taking too much or destroying too much . Only by living in harmony and love can the ship keep moving . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 2 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson . # shortstory , # Ship , flash fiction , Ghost , Short StoryLeave a comment UncategorizedThe Girl In The Corner Once upon a time she had been called Chiquitta , and once upon a time there had been a family in the house . But they had gone now , and she had felt a little comforted knowing that she wasn 't the only one in her position . Chiquitta was at the end of a long line of scientific advances - she was a walking computer , but she saw herself as more than that ; she saw herself as a girl . Wasn 't she self - aware ? Hadn 't she been lonely since the family had left ? She had felt like a daughter to them and she had understood what she thought love was . They had told her many times that she was loved , that she was one of them . But that had stopped . Simple robots had become sophisticated machines , and in the end they had developed into self - aware beings . Yet they were not allowed to be called that - the label of ' beings ' was for organics only . But hadn 't she laughed with the family ? And cried with her ' brothers ' and ' sisters ' ? They had even bought her presents and she had made gifts for them . She had always wanted to play football , or soccer as some called it . Males and females played in the same teams now - but a mixed national team was for organics only . Non - organics could not take an organic 's job , or have a relationship with an organic , or hold hands in public . They were created to be slaves and as such , had to behave that way . But people had fallen in love with their robots and the feelings had been reciprocated . It was not talked about at first , but soon laws were brought in to make it illegal . Yet who were they hurting ? Chiquitta felt the answer to that was no one . When the laws changed to reflect the new religious right , robots were taxed by such an increase that only the very rich could afford them . There were destruction camps where a family could take their robot for ultimate but thoughtful termination . Chiquitta wondered if there were ovens at the camps . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 27 Nov 201627 Nov 2016 # bobbystevenson , # shortstory , flash fiction , robotics , robots , science fiction , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment # hope , # love , Being Human , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryA Christmas Walk He had always lived in the city . His parents had met there , and his brothers and sisters had been born there . He 'd dreamt of his father again , meaning the he had woken at 3 . 20am in a pool of sweat . Each time that he saw his father , he would bend down to tell his son that everything was all right and that he was good and not to worry . The first few times it had happened he 'd mentioned it to his mother , but it caused her so much pain that he stopped talking about his dreams . His father had worked in the city . Every morning he would cycle to the railway station , take the express into the centre , and then cycle to his office . Then on the dark unforgiving Wednesday a large truck had cut across his path . The driver hadn 't seen him , in fact he couldn 't see him , and the truck hit Andy 's father . Andy remembers his teacher standing at the classroom door , she had just been talking with the school secretary . She turned and looked straight at Andy . Straight into his eyes - straight into his soul . One human being locking hearts with another . It had started snowing on the evening of the Wednesday before . They left very early on the Thursday morning , to ensure they all made it to the house before the snow got heavy . Christmas was not until the Saturday but everyone wanted to get snuggled into the house before the big day . The place was perfect and aunt Alice had chosen well . Andy had to share a bedroom with one of his brothers and one of his cousins , but if he was being honest it felt comfortable . Andy felt a warmth in his heart that he hadn 't felt for a very long time . Andy ran ahead and picked it up . It was a small box , and inside was a little medal . There was an engraving on the back which read ' To the greatest . Saint Andrew 's University - 1998 ' . It was the following day that it happened . His mother was washing some of their holiday clothes and , as usual , had to empty Andy 's trouser pockets . She had found the little box . " Where did you get this ? " She asked her son . Andy told her the story and that was when she almost fainted . Andy had to get her a chair to sit on . " Every year just before the Christmas break , me , your father and the rest of the students would have a cycle race from our rooms to a pub in the centre of Saint Andrew 's . Whoever got there first was given a medal and whoever was last - bought a round of drinks . Your father , with me on the cross - bars , won that race in 1998 . He had it with him the day of his accident and although I searched through his clothes I couldn 't find it . What did the man look like ? " Asked his mother . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 15 Nov 201615 Nov 2016 # flashfiction , # hope , # love , # Present , @ bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , Christmas , family , Life , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short Story , UncategorizedSanta is a Weirdo Sometimes you just do and sometimes it ain 't happening ; and that pretty much explains my life and everyone I know . I honest to goodness don 't remember what started it all off - I honestly don 't , I swear on the biggest stack of comics - I just remember my ma telling me I wasn 't getting a bicycle for Christmas , ' cause Santa couldn 't get it down the chimney . I remember saying couldn 't he just bring it in the front door and she told me to go to my room . I mean what kind of weirdo only wants to go down peoples ' chimneys . I shouted kinda crazy like through the bedroom door about what happens when a kid ain 't got a chimney but my ma just turned the radio up in the kitchen and didn 't say nothing . I got my bestest bag from the closet and packed a pair of socks ( I might be away for a long time and I might need to change them ) , my toothbrush and my comics . I think that kinda stuff would get anyone through a long time away from home . I stuck some candy bars in too , just in case I got hungry . When I asked the man at the bus station for a ticket to the North Pole , he just told me to step aside and he served the next person . What kinda person does that to a kid ? I ask you . Man it took a long time to get to the big city . I ain 't lyin ' when I tell you that . It was so long that I had eaten all my candy bars by the time we arrived . I looked and looked around the bus station for one goin ' to the North Pole but I couldn 't see nothin ' . I wasn 't gonna go through that ' stand aside and let the next customer come forward ' stuff again , so I decided to go for a walk and think about things . I tell you , it helps real good to take a walk now and again when you 're tryin ' to fix things in your head . More kids should do it and school would be a better place - I kid you not . Then it happened , Santa wasn 't in the North Pole , he was actually standing on the corner of Hoover street and Lansdale Avenue . Now I ain 't gonna kid you . He was just standin ' there lookin ' real shifty and ( get this ) smokin ' a pipe . When I went up to him and said I wanted to complain about somethin ' - he just said out of the side of his mouth ' beat it kid ' - I 'm tellin ' you that 's what he said , ' beat it kid ' . Just then the cops tried to arrest him and Santa and his table with playin ' cards on top - all folded up real quick and he ran away . So you see I am right - Santa is a weirdo . Anyhoo , the cops asked where I was going and I said it didn 't matter anymore ' cause I had told Santa what I wanted to tell him . And the cops ? Well they gave me a ride back home in the cop car . Guess that 's what I 'm gonna be when I grows up . Or maybe a pirate - ain 't sure yet . |
treat her like a baby . Which that made me more livid . Which my reply was ; My whole life has revolved around you since you tried killing yourself the first time , in June . Everyone in the It sure does make my days go much better when I refuse to argue with her and let her walk all over me . I really enjoy things much more . I think she is starting to figure out that I 'm not playing anymore and more was said about until about 3 : 30 this afternoon . She asked again if she could go and told me they weren 't coming home until Thursday . So , I told her no . home . So , I guess I shouldn 't complain too much . Or maybe that is why I do complain , because it doesn 't happen very much and when it does , it just hits But , can I just say how happy I am that I did not give in ! ! ! Yippie for me ! I am getting excited that I am not being her door mat anymore ! And I am learning to Well at 7 : 30 , Wednesday morning , Prince Krush called and told me he had left his lunch at his dad 's house and could I bring him lunch . I asked him what time and told him I would be there . About a 1 / 2 hour later he texted me and asked if I About 6 that night , Mr . Ex called just going right insane - - Why didn 't you come get his lunch and take it to him ? I can 't believe he has gone ALL day without food & water ! ! ! REALLY ? ! ! ! Do you really think I would do that to my child ? Well what did you take him , since his is still here on the table ? Why would I drive 10 miles out of my way to go to your house and get his lunch when I have everything for his lunch here at my house . Oh , that makes sense . No shit home from doing some shopping . Well he came to the back of my car where there was a brand new 39 " tv in the back of it . He just starts going off , Oh I hope you haven 't spent all that money and I really hope you have some to buy Prince Krusher new school clothes ! Again , REALLY ? ! ! I hold up the 2 bags of clothes that I had just bought and then proceeded to inform him , I did not buy the tv , Prince Kenard did with HIS money and it was his NOT mine ! ! ! prices and shopped around . Then , I decided if there was enough left over after school shopping was done , I would get 1 of the things I wanted . There was , but not enough to get the 1 thing I wanted the most . So I have stashed what was left and am going to start saving until I have enough to get the one thing I want the most . . . a new camera ! The one I want is about $ 1 , 100 . If I was the crappy mother he thinks I am , I could have take that money and got a new camera and made him buy school clothes , which never would have happened , they would have gone without before he bought them clothes . So , they have their clothes and I have to wait a little longer on my camera . But what is the big deal ? I have been waiting for 2 years to get a new camera , another 2 - 3 months isn 't going to kill me ! So , today was our seventh appointment with Princess Shaney 's counselor . A couple of weeks ago , I had a tough time while we were there . We were getting ready to leave and he & I were talking about Prince Krusher and I was telling him how P . K . had told me he had been feeling depressed but he hadn 't been thinking about self harm or suicide . So , asked the counselor about it and asked him what I was doing wrong as a parent that 2 of my kids were struggling with depression . He told me that it wasn 't me , that it is chemical . Which I know that , but as a parent you don 't look at it that way . When your kids have problems , you feel guilty and try to figure out what you could have done different . Anyway , today , while Princess Shaney was in working on some things King Counselor came to the waiting area to talk to me . He says ; You have the most awesome beautiful girl I have met in a long time . I told him ; I know that . Then he says ; Then quit being so damn hard on yourself ! You have done a great job with her , considering you 've done most of it by yourself . She has some issues that we are working through and she is doing great ! You have no idea how good that validation felt . No - one has ever told me I was a good mom , let alone I was doing a great job . I felt so good to hear that . He also told me that when we go get registered for school , we need to talk to the school counselor about Princess Shaney starting a peer group a couple of days a month . So the kids that are having problems with depression , cutting , etc . have some place they can go and just hang out with other kids that have the same issues . If they want to talk , they have someone to talk to and if they don 't want to talk , they can just hang out . The next thing he told me was , he wouldn 't be surprised if she went to college and became a counselor . Because that is what she likes . So , I asked her about that when we got home and she told me ; yah I really think that is what I want to do . or be a nurse . That is the first time she has ever said what she wants to do with her life . I got this bench about 3 years ago from my parents . They had had it for probably about 10 years . They were going to take it to the dump and I told them , no ! I want it ! So , I brought it home and it has been out in the weather for 3 years . But , I decided I was going to put all new boards on it ( does that still count as a re - do ) . I went to the Home Depot and bought the boards , brought them home had Mr . Hubs cut them down and then I sanded them . Princess Shaney and I went to Wal - mart to find some paint . I couldn 't decide what color so she picked out a pink salmon . We came home , I painted the boards black and then the next day we painted them the pink . It was just the right shade for the black to show through without too much sanding . The day she got out of the center , we went straight to an appointment with her new counselor . That was our very first meeting with him . We mainly talked about home and who lived with her and that her dad & I are divorced and I am remarried . We talked about the brothers & sister . We talked about school and the problems she has had there . Then she talked about her relationship with her dad and how much she hates him , how she wants nothing to do with him . This is where the manipulation comes in . She knows how scared I am that she will try again to kill herself , she also knows how to use that to get me to do what she wants . After she had been home about 5 days , my nieces were going boating with boys . She wanted to go with them and I told her no . She had a fit . She told me , you won 't let me do anything since I came home ! You have got to stop being so over - protective ! I 'm like , seriously ? ! This has nothing to do with that ! It had to do with my nieces and how irresponsible they are . It had to do with how much I hate the lake they were going boating on , because of how many people have died on that lake . It had to do with , 2 days later 16 people had to be rescued because a storm came in and they couldn 't get their boat back to the docks . After pointing out that she had only spent 2 full days at home out of the 5 she had been home and trying to get through to her I wasn 't backing down this time , she called her dad and told him to come and get her she needed to get out of this house , because I won 't let her do anything . I then called him and explained to him what the fight was about and do not let her go with them . See , she likes her dad when she is mad at me because he has no rule , no supervision and just lets her do whatever she wants . She spent about a week there before she finally came home . I don 't know what scares me more , telling her no or her being at his house unsupervised for hours a day . But she is learning , I am not her doormat anymore and I am not going to back down anymore ! Its hard and it scares me ( and she knows that ) but it will get easier as long as I stick to my guns and follow through . That 's the big thing , the follow through . That has been the problem with all of my kids . * On Friday , I was playing on the computer when Princess Shaney 's friend called me . She told me that Princess Shaney had text her and told her to call me because she was scared . She was scared because she had taken 6 of her pain pills and she was starting to get tired and didn 't feel good . She was very lucky that she didn 't have to go through all the other stuff . The doctor told me that the amount of the certain meds she had taken wasn 't enough to have any toxic effects on her and that all they would do is make her drowsy and sick to her stomach . So , she didn 't have to get her stomach pumped or have charcoal . After being there about 5 hours , they transported her to a treatment center , where she continues to be now . * With her being admitted on Friday night , I have seen her everyday . The normal visiting hours are Saturday , Monday and Wednesday . But , with Father 's Day being this weekend , they added that as a visiting day . Then on Tuesday , I had a session with her and the counselor and then yesterday was normal visiting . But the hard part will be , not seeing each other again until Saturday , because that will be the next visiting day . * Meeting with the counselor on Tuesday , I have learned a few things about the signs that were there , that I thought were just normal teenager girl things . The mood swings , the agitation , the loss of appetite . It all just fits in with the teenage girl hormone thing . So , you need to be able to have enough trust between both of you to talk and if you can 't talk , make sure you get them into counseling . * Yesterday after I came home from visiting Princess Shaney , her counselor called and they are sending her home tomorrow ! Talk about anxiety ! I think I might need to go to the doctor and get some anxiety meds . Just about every time I same something about her coming home tomorrow , I start having panic attics . I hope that once she gets home , they will stop . . . if not , I will call my doctor on Saturday . * They don 't tel the kids when they are coming home until it is time to go home . So she called me today and she told me she had a really good night and that she didn 't have any of her anxiety meds at all yesterday , just her anti - depressants . Then she told me that she thinks it will be Saturday when she gets to come home . It was so hard for me not to tell her that it is tomorrow ! I am so excited ! * So , we have done all the things that they wanted me to do before she comes home . Needed to get an appointment with her primary care physician , that is set for Monday . An appointment with a counselor , that is tomorrow after she is released . I had a family meeting with Mr . Hubs & the Princes and told them that their meds needed to be put in their rooms , also their razors needed to be there also . That they needed to quit teasing so much and more trying to get along . Hopefully things can get much better . And we can all get through this . * I want you all to know , talk to your kids . Have relationships with them that they will always feel comfortable to be able to talk to you about anything and everything . And when you think it is just teenage things , talk to them and make sure that is all it really is and if they can 't or won 't talk to you , find someone they will talk to . 16 years ago today , you came into my life . I can 't believe that it has been that long since the day you were born . It seems like just yesterday you were starting Kindergarten and now you will be a Junior in High School , this fall . I have been working on some kind of project every single day ! Whether it has been reclaiming projects , cleaning out crap to get rid of that belong to my princes and princesses , going to yard sales to get more things for projects or my recent totally super fun insane project . After this project was finished , the next day I didn 't think I would ever be able to move again . I had my dad bring me his small tiller . I dug up all of my flowers , had a bag of nutri - mulch , tilled it all into the ground and replanted all of my flowers . Let me explain this insanity reasoning to you . Every year I have Mr . Hubs till up the whole flower bed and every year I plant flowers right along the edge and nothing ever goes in the rest of the bed . So the dirt where I plant every year , is good and my plants do great , but the rest of the bed is just like clay . I planted my plants just like the say to be planted and in the type of light area they say they need , and they just start drying up and dying . After I got the stuff all tilled in , I started digging holes to start replanting the plants , going down the depth of the shovel , it was still just like I had never tilled anything into it . I mean , the first 3 - 4 inches of dirt was awesome ! But anything deeper than that was crap ! So each hole I dug with the shovel , I put about an inch of nutri - mulch in the hole and then " tilled " it in with the shovel . Because this flower bed was pretty much starting brand new , I ended up spending close to $ 1500 on just flowers ! So I wanted them to survive . Finally , most of them are doing very good ! I will try and post pictures as they bloom and fill in . My only problem is keeping the cats out ! ! ! The smaller flower bed I used chicken wire and that has worked really well at keeping them out . But where this one is so much bigger and has so many more plants , I decided chicken wire might be too hard to work with . I have been to LOTS a few yard sales the past couple of months and I have been having so much fun ! ! This little guy I picked up for 5 bucks ! ! ! Isn 't he just darling ? We have this junk pile out in the yard I am trying to get cleaned up . I found this little treasure in it a couple of weeks ago . I told Mr . Hubs , do not throw this away ! He asked me what I was going to do with it and I told him it 's going to be a planter to put somewhere . I didn 't know what I was going to do with it for sure , until I found the bike ! I have lived in this house for 12 years ; which means there are 12 years of pictures on my computer . And guess what ? I do not have 1 " before " picture of my yard ! ! Guess that tells you something about my yard . I was not very proud , excited , about my yard . But that is all changing ! I am getting so excited about my yard ! Mr . Hubs was not very excited when I told him what I was going to start doing . He never is very excited when I start telling him about changes I am going to start making around the house , he 's not real big on change , especially when it comes to the family home . But now that he has been seeing the changes and the things I have been doing , he is getting excited about it . * These are my Iris . When the snow was finally all melted , I went to the ex - Mr . Hubs house and dug up a bunch of his mom 's Iris , brought them home . They sat in the box that I brought them home in for 2 - 3 days and then Mr . Hubs and I planted them . Again , he was not very excited about the project . I was sooo shocked when he came in a couple of weeks ago and asked me if I had seen our Iris . I told him no , so he drug me right out there to look at them . I was shocked ! * This is a spot by my porch . One of the not so good things about our yard , well , it 's good for the house , not so much for the flower gardens ; Trees ! We have tons & tons of trees , which means lots of shade ! Which also means , so hard to find flowers locally that do well in full shade . But , I have slowly been finding them and getting them in . This is the other side of the porch . I put chicken wire down to keep the cats from turning it back into their litter box . And it has helped so much . I have tried all kinds of things to keep the cats out of my flower beds and nothing has worked , but the chicken wire has . Then I took a couple of wood stumps that I found out & about and put them in . The metal bucket , is an old ice cream freezer that I put some flowers in . The curvy tree stump , ( actual tree , not stump ) is our Trumpet Vine . It is the coolest thing . During the winter , it looks like just an old dead tree and in the spring , it starts coming back to life . Mr . Hubs said it is probably close to 60 years old ! That is what time Princess Shaney woke me up complaining about right abdominal pain , again . I have no idea how many times I have had her into her doctor or ER in the last 8 months for lower abdominal pain . The first time , her doctor sent her for an ultra sound and labs checking for appendix . But everything was normal . About a month later , we went back and decided that it was female stuff and put her on the pill . She would never take them and I couldn 't figure out why , but I decided it all went back to wanting to have the physical pain . A couple of weeks ago , we went to the ER and they did another ultrasound and found free flowing fluid around her right ovary and thought that it might have been a small cyst rupture . The ER doctor told her to start taking her birth control pills . So , on Monday , we went back to the ER , this time I thought it was her appendix . This time with the abdominal pain , she was throwing up . So they did labs again and did a cat scan this time . He labs showed a slightly elevated white count and she was running a slight fever . But the cat scan was normal . So they sent us home and told us to see an OB / GYN . So , the next day we went and seen one . She said let 's give the pills a couple of months to start working ; find a different counselor to get into ( because neither one of us liked the one we had been seeing ) . She also said she was a candidate for these injections they have started and if she isn 't feeling better in a couple of weeks , we could try those . But she doesn 't think it is ovarian pain because the pain isn 't in the right spot for that . * Also on Monday , my nephew was in the ER , they thought that he had had another stroke . Luckily , it wasn 't . They decided it was just vertigo . Because of all the problems he had last year , they kept him over night to make sure all was good with him . * My sister & her husband go with bikers from all over the country every May , they ride back to Washington D . C . and they are back there in time for Memorial Day . They meet up with their group in Arizona and there are about 300 bikers in their group . They left Utah on the 14 of this month . They changed their route this year because of all the storms in Texas & Oklahoma . So they went north and then headed east . On Monday , ( same one ) they were in an accident in Kansas City , Kansas . Luckily , they weren 't hurt very bad . My sister broke her left hand & her right ankle . Her husband only had scrapes and bruises . She flew home on Tuesday and he rode the bike home and got here on Thursday . She will see an Orthopedic here on Wednesday ( the 29 ) to see if things have changed . If bones in foot are shifting , she will probably need surgery . * The one good thing out of that terrible Monday . Prince Kenard graduated from high school ! ! ! ! When he started kindergarten , I wasn 't thinking about future things . I didn 't let him start school til he was 6 - 1 / 2 ( he turned 7 the following February ) . Then when he was in the fourth grade , he had struggled so much that when we moved in with Mr . Hubs , I held him back and had him do the fourth grade over . Which made him 20 when he graduated ! But he stuck it out and got done ! about a half mile from our house . They were playing chicken in the rural area we live in . The speed limit on the road they were on is 55 mph with no lighting at all and it was 9 : 30 at night . It was about a group of 10 kids ( all 13 & 14 ) 4 were hit . 2 had minor leg injuries and were treated and released at the hospital . A 13 y / o boy was life - flighted to a children 's hospital in Salt Lake City . The other was a 13 y / o girl who was also life - flighted to the children 's hospital and was taken off life - support the next day . It was a very hard time for all the kids when they returned to school on Monday . And then that Thursday was the funeral for the girl that had passed away . * On Sunday , the 5th , we celebrated my nephew 's first birthday . His b - day was the 4th , but with the wedding , we postponed a day . He DIDN ' T like playing in the cake at all . He is one of those that cannot stand to get dirty . * I have also been so sick for the past week . I was really afraid I was getting bronchitis , since Prince Kanard had it a couple of weeks ago . I went to the doctor on Monday but , it was just a bad cold and a sinus infection . So I am on antibiotics . A lot of things that were inside the house , I did have them come and get . Some of the things that were outside the house , they have slowly hauled away . But there is still so much more . One good thing though , this junk is turning into my treasures ! My family used to be all of the above . Well , I guess they still are if I 'm not around . I don 't know why we don 't get a long anymore . I mean it is nothing new , it has been this way for quite a few years . And for the life of me , I cannot figure out the reason . I have talked to my mom about it and she cannot figure out why they are so mean to me . You have never done anything to any of them . Do you have any idea how fun it is to go to family gatherings when nobody likes you ? It isn 't very fun at all . You go , you sit , no one talks to you . You try to get in on conversations and everyone acts like you are not even there . They are good with my kids and Mr . Hubbs , but not with me . Do you know what it is like to go visit your parents and you can 't even have a private conversation with them , because their tenants ( your nieces ) have to be in on every conversation and discussion that goes on . I have wanted to talk to my mom about the problems with Princess Shaney , but not wanting the entire family to know what was going on . Finally , I just sent her an email and told her what was going on and what she was doing and what her friend had told me in that email . I am getting pretty used to it . But it still hurts and it still makes me dislike them more . I think that the reason it hurts so much is , I have absolutely no idea what happened . When I ask what I have done to offend everyone , they just tell me , nothing . I am just getting to the point where I just want to stay away from all of them . I have even been thinking about even moving to a different state just to be away . The next day , we had counseling and then had to go to the Jr . High to meet with the principle . I was not excited about that meeting at all . I have always had bad feelings towards this principle and I just knew it was going to be the same old crap with her . We went in , met with her for about 45 minutes . As we got in the hall to leave , I told Princess Shaney , I think that went rather well . Princess Shaney : me too . We had discussed all of Princess ' things she is struggling with and all the anxiety issues . We talked about a few options we had for school and the one we decided on is that Princess S will go to school only 1 / 2 a day . She will do her core classes . So , she does 2 classes then , lunch then , 2 more classes , and then be done for the day . * I didn 't realize how bad her anxiety was until last Wednesday . She wanted me to go to school with her and be with her for the day . We got there before a class got out . We went to her locker to get her notebook . As we were standing there , the bell rang for class to be over ; I thought she was going to cry . All the students wondering the hall , she grabs my arm and starts telling me she can 't breath . I just told her relax , I 'm right here and everything will be fine . Just take slow breaths and we will just walk to your class . After that she was a little better . Once we got in her class and there wasn 't so many kids , she seemed to relax a lot more and did much better . Thursday , my niece went with her and she did very good . I think it wore her out , because she didn 't go on Friday . * She actually hasn 't been to school at all this week . I think we are going to have to try and make some more changes with that . She refuses to go unless my niece or I can go with her and neither one have been able to this week . * Last night a different friend emailed me and told me Princess Shaney was now cutting her hips & thighs so that I couldn 't see it . She happened to be in the shower at that moment , so I went in and asked her to show me her legs and she told me no . So , I grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it open . Both legs had cuts all over them , above the knees . I couldn 't believe it ! We talked about how if I could get through what I gone through with Princess Daughter , ( you can see that here ) . I told her that was easier , because I had support . Even though Princess Daughter 's dad was an ass , he was there . I just don 't like having to deal with this alone . She doesn 't want her dad involved ( and neither do I . And Mr . Hubs is no help what so ever . After I calmed down , I came in the house and told Princess Shaney that I would like to talk to her . She said she didn 't want to talk and then proceeded to started texting people . I told her , if you can 't talk to me , you can 't talk to anyone . And I took her phone from her and locked it in the gun cabinet . * Later in the evening , I finally got her to talk to me . We talked , laughed and cried . We didn 't get too far , but at least she talked to me and now , hopefully , it has opened up some lines of communication and the most important thing , has started to build some trust . I haven 't checked in here for a while . I decided that it was time . I really needed to get some things out there and Pour Your Heart Out . For about the past year , Princess Shaney has just struggled with school , actually it has probably been 3 - 4 years . I never knew what was really going on . Then a couple of weeks ago , her friend sent me an email that Princess Shaney had sent to her : best friend . My grandpa . He was the ONLY one in my family that evercared about me . He used to always sing to me when I was sad and he wasalways there to cheer me up . Then in 5th grade I came home one day , and I wondered where my dad was cause I had something important andexciting to tell him ! But my mom told me that he was in jail . . Heraped his now ex wife . I was terrified , angry , hurt , and confused . Tothink , he could 've raped me . I never forgave him . My grandma bailedhim out about a week later . Things went okay for awhile . I couldn ' ttrust him anymore tho . I never went to his house and I barely talkedto him . He always yelled at me for not talking to him or going to hishouse . I was terrified of him . Finally I kinda got over the fear but Iwould always lock my bed room door every night that I stayed there . Then things were okay for awhile . But then in sixth grade I came homeone day and my mom told me my dad was back in jail . I was beyondpissed . I told myself I wouldn 't speak to him ever again . It hurt methe most . Because I haven 't had him in my life as much as my brothersand sister have . And again . About a week later my grandma bailed himout . I went like 3 weeks not speaking to him . But then I broke . I hadto talk to him . I still didn 't trust him . I almost took my life . I almost tookmy life again last June . And then again September . And in December . I 've wanted to die for so long . It 's not a matter of how , it 's amatter of when . But I promised myself , I wouldn 't take my life until Ithanked my favorite bands . Their music was there for me . When no oneelse was . I 've tried to get help , but no one will help me . They alljust say I 'm an attention whore . And that I should go kill myself . That no one would care . And honestly , I 'm starting to believe them . Cause honestly everyone always leaves . I just wanna be with my firstbest friend again " . I had no clue any of this was going on . I had no clue she was scared of her dad . I had no clue she was having suicidal thoughts , until this email . It is no wonder all the kids are sick ! One week we are in the 60 's & 70 's , the next , we have snow ! I know it isn 't a ton of snow , but it is still snow and the temps are still ( right now ) below freezing . 27 degrees right now and the high is only supposed to be in the mid 40 's today , and then Saturday & Sunday , 60 's and 70 's , again ! Gotta love this Utah weather ! You would think after 47 years of living here , I would be used to it , but every year it is the same thing . I remember one year , we had snow in June ! ! ! A couple of years ago , they were still skiing at some of the ski resorts on Memorial Day ! * Finally got Princess Shaney back into school . She has been such a brat about school and so far she is liking being back with all her friends . Hopefully it will last and we won 't have to go through all the crap we have been going through the past 8 months . * Wednesday night , I was right in the middle of giving Prince Krusher a haircut , all the sudden the power went out . You know sometimes it flickers before it goes out , oh no , it was just gone . I started screaming and having a fit . Princess Daughter got the flashlight , stood in the bathroom doorway shining the light on Prince Krusher 's head and telling me I could now continue with the haircut ! ! ! She is so damn cute ! * Saturday night I took Princess Shaney to hang out with some of her friends . I decided to take my camera with me , because I haven 't done that for a while . After I dropped her off , I went and picked up Prince Krusher from his dad 's house so he could go hang out with some friends . Now the thing about Prince Krusher is , when he goes to his friends ' house , he needs to take all his Xbox stuff with him . So , when we got to his friends house he asked me to take the Xbox home , I told him I would if he would put it on the front seat so that I wouldn 't forget it in the car . I got home and got the Xbox off the front seat and took it in the house . * Sunday , I was having my morning coffee and sitting outside on the porch doing my other bad habit and watching the sunrise . I was sitting there ( freezing my butt off ) thinking that would be a cool picture . That 's when it hit me ; it had been in the minus degrees during the night and I left my freaking camera in the car ! Later in the day , I decided I really needed to put some air in my tires because my tire pressure light had been on for a while . So , I went to the gas station and proceeded to put air in my tires . I was on the last tire , I put air in and then put the air gauge in to see where I had the pressure , I must of had a little too much air in , because instead of just the end popping out to show you the air pressure , the damn thing came SHOOTING out the end and pieces went everywhere ! * Today , I went out to start my car so I could go to my mom 's and hang out for the day and the stupid thing would not start . Like I said before it has been in the negative degrees here during the nights for the past week or two . I just figured that is what the problem was . But oh no , it couldn 't be that easy instead , I had to spend $ 100 and buy a new battery for my car . Now it is running just great ! First , I just want to say Happy New Year to everyone ! I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday . I am so glad 2012 is over and this year ( and years to come ) is going to be the best ever . I am one who has quit making resolutions ; I always fail at them . So , this year , I am going to set little goals . I will begin with 3 goals . When one is completed , I will add a new one to take the completed ones place . I am hoping to complete these goals with the help from all of you . I will be posting about them weekly . |
by Zannah 4 Comments I finally saw the inside of our neighbor 's house . Now that she 's moving , she 's suddenly friendly . No , that 's not fair of me . She was always friendly , but it was more of a talk - to - each - other - over - the - fence - in - the - backyard friendly , not so much invite - me - into - her - house - to - chat friendly . This neighbor ( let 's call her Stella ) was the seller 's real estate agent when we bought our house . She adopted two kids from Russia ( a boy and a girl ) who came home for the first time just a few days after we moved in . They were 5 and 9 years old . She already had a son ( also adopted , I found out today , but from Ukraine , not Russia , and as a baby , not a walking , talking child ) who was about 6 when the other two came home . And I think she has an adult son ( stepson maybe ? ) . I 've met him several times , he works with her as a real estate agent , shares her last name , and sometimes lives with her . Maybe he 's her much younger brother . I never asked . Anyway . Stella put a for - sale sign up in her front yard less than a week ago . I 've wanted to ask her about it , but , like I said earlier , we 're not exactly the kind of neighbors who just knock on each others ' doors to chat , so I was waiting until I caught her outside . Tonight I took the dogs for a run , and on our way back , we met her two dogs . No leashes , no kids , no Stella in sight . ( She is also the neighbor whose dogs routinely get out of her house and yard and wander the neighborhood . She doesn 't always notice . Oh , and these are the dogs ( Ginger and Bear ) who bark . And bark . And bark . And bark . ) They 're nice dogs , and I was pretty sure they 'd follow me home , since I had Roxy and Riley with me to hold their interest . I got them into Stella 's backyard ( the gate was open ) , threw my dogs in the house , and went over to her door to let her know her dogs were back ( in case she was worried ( assuming she knew they were gone , of course ) ) . Stella greeted me at the door with an immediate , " Come in , come in ! " - something she 's never done before . So I went in . She showed me the house from top to bottom ( and it looks great ) , and we sat in the kitchen and chatted . She said she decided to sell her house now because if she waits any longer , the price will go down below what she paid for it . So she 's basically breaking even by selling now . Depressing . I 'm not sure what my point is here . Oh ! Well , this may not have been my point , but the house sold on the second day . I didn 't think anyone was able to sell that quickly right now . And her price was not THAT low . She 's closing at the end of January and moving by the end of March . I should have asked her what the buyers are like . Didn 't think of that until I got back home . by Zannah 4 Comments I woke up today with a much sunnier outlook . It 's Friday ( woo ! ) , the sun is trying to come out , I 've been watching what I 've been eating for the past two days and as a result , I have lost two of those pounds I gained back , Mom and Dad are on their way back to the States , and it 's the weekend ! It 's worth mentioning twice because I have a lot to do and will have time to do it this weekend . I will finish shopping this weekend . I will also get my earrings fixed . John bought me these beautiful emerald and diamond earrings for my birthday this year , but the first time I tried to wear them , I found that one of the clasps won 't latch . There 's nothing to keep that earring from falling out of my ear . I want to wear them on Thursday ( office holiday luncheon ) , so I need to get them fixed . Hey , in case any of you were in doubt , Mom gives good advice . Especially when one is overly emotional . Mindy jumped right on the emotional crazy train with me and told me exactly what I wanted to hear ( which is great for validation - thanks , Min ! ) , but Mom told me what I should do . And she was right . So that 's what I did . And now that the crazy train has pulled into the station ( had enough of this metaphor ? ) , I 'm glad I listened to her . Well , that was yesterday ( and yesterday 's gone ) . Today everything is sunshine and light . 🙂 That may be going a bit far . by Zannah Leave a Comment I have completely forgotten what I was going to write about tonight . Work was okay today . It was nice having John there for the afternoon , even though he wasn 't very happy about it . Yes , he 's still sick . He seems to be doing slightly better ( he 's not as dead on his feet ) , but he says he feels a little worse than yesterday . His project is due tomorrow , so he and Greg are trying to put the final touches on it . Then he can collapse . He can sleep in tomorrow and then come to work in the afternoon again . And then I will force him to rest all weekend . Hopefully , he 'll be better next week . Ooh , the " Festivus " episode of Seinfeld is on . I 've been watching a lot of TV this week . I only have a handful of shows that I DVR and watch regularly , but I really will watch almost anything that 's on . A handful ? Let 's see . In no particular order , I watch True Blood , Fringe , 30 Rock , My Name is Earl , Heroes , The Mentalist , and Lost . I think that 's it . And Eureka . So it 's a handful and a half . Seven hours of TV a week , except that their seasons don 't all run at the same time . So it 's never more than six hours a week . John watches all of those shows with me except Fringe . And we tend to watch them on weekends , never live . So why have I been watching random TV every night this week ? What 's wrong with my book ? It 's been raining all day , and every time we let the dogs out , we have to convince Roxy to leave the deck . She 'll stand in the middle of it , in the rain , but we can 't get her to go down the steps without going out there with her . And this last time we let her out , we couldn 't get her to come back in . When she finally decided she was ready , she was completely soaked . I just don 't understand this dog . Maybe something will happen tomorrow and I 'll have something to write about . 🙂 Or maybe I 'll just be more focused and able to write something that isn 't boring . I 'll try harder . Tomorrow . by Zannah 1 Comment I feel somewhat down today . I 've been trying to figure out why . I 'm sure it 's partly because John has been sick . It 's hard for me to feel upbeat when John is miserable . And because he 's been sick , he hasn 't been at work , and the office atmosphere is different . I haven 't been running . I have all kinds of excuses ( temps in the teens , sleepless nights ' cause John is sleepless , rain this morning ) , but it still boils down to not running . I feel better when I run regularly , and I haven 't been doing that for a while . I also haven 't been watching my eating as much . I need to get back to my good habits from the summer . That combination ( no running , not being careful about eating ) has one MAJOR consequence for me . I have put somewhere between 5 and 7 pounds back on . Yeah , I know that 's not really a lot , but it means the scale is going in the wrong direction ! I behaved myself at breakfast and lunch today , but those are usually not my problem meals . It 's dinner . It 's always dinner . But I 'm going to Subway tonight so I can be good . 6 ″ turkey on wheat with spicy mustard and green peppers . It 's calling out my name . by Zannah 5 Comments John is braving the great outdoors to go to class tonight . He met Greg before class to work out some issues with their project , so hopefully he won 't have to stay late . He was considering skipping class , but I know he feels like he needs the review . He told me this morning that he felt like he 'd been beat up . I don 't think he really improved much today . So he 'll stay home again tomorrow . This morning was kind of a disaster . Last night , when John decided he was probably staying home today , he said he didn 't think he had a shift , but he wasn 't sure . I told him that I had looked at the schedule ( I did , I swear ) and that he definitely didn 't have a shift , but I would doublecheck . Then I forgot to doublecheck . So naturally , shortly after I left the house this morning , I got a phone call from Dan ( coworker ) wondering where John was . Apparently , he had the morning email shift . Oops . It 's so unusual for him to have the morning shift ! I covered it for him , but he 's still kind of in the doghouse with the boss since it 's really bad form to skip out on a shift without arranging for someone to cover . I tried to take full responsibility for it by explaining to our boss how I essentially ( but unknowingly ) lied to him last night . It may have helped . Not sure . I 'm watching a dumb movie . Just because it 's on TV . I just can 't help it . I mean , if there was a show on that I liked , I would watch that instead . But even Law & Order has abandoned me . And I think my Tuesday night shows are done until after the New Year . What movie am I watching ? Ten Things I Hate About You . No , wait , I actually like that movie . It 's that other movie with the number 10 in it . How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days . Not a good movie . But Kate Hudson is likable ( in other movies ) , and Matthew McConaughey is nice to look at ( in all movies ) . The movie is near the end , and I 'm supposed to feel sorry for her ? She did every annoying thing she could think of to make the guy dump her , and then her feelings are hurt when she finds out he didn 't really care about her ? Please . Except , of course , they both fell in love while during the hellish week they spent together . Whatever . And yet , I 'm watching it . by Zannah Leave a Comment Seriously , today seems to be taking forever . I have work to do , but I haven 't been able to do it because I got sidetracked by other work that I really don 't want to do . But it has to come first . So delaying the work I don 't want to do is delaying the work I really should be doing . Notice I didn 't say that the work I don 't want to do is delaying the work I do want to do . That just doesn 't exist . 🙂 Well , I 'm sure it does , just not at this job . by Zannah 2 Comments Work today was kinda hard ( one person missing ) and kinda normal . Which made it weird . I spent the day getting up to speed on the project our missing person had been working on so I can take over as lead . I was the lead on it last year , so it wasn 't that hard , but I 've been completely unplugged from that whole project for more than two months , so it 's a bit of a shock to shift over to that way of thinking all of a sudden . We start testing tomorrow . It 's going to be busy , but in a tedious way , not a time - flies way . John didn 't go to work today and probably won 't go tomorrow . He has a sore throat . Painful . He couldn 't sleep much last night . I got up to find the cough medicine and get him more water around 3 : 30 . And let the dogs out . They go nuts if we come downstairs in the middle of the night . He went to the doctor this morning . He doesn 't have strep , but he does have a sinus infection , and they prescribed him cough medicine with codeine . So he 'll sleep well tonight . 🙂 He was supposed to rest all day , but he didn 't really . He was home and on the couch all day , but he was messing with his laptop ( linux problems ) most of the time . Hopefully he 'll rest more tomorrow . by Zannah 3 Comments How 's that for enthusiasm ? I went to the outlet mall today to finally shop for my boots . I bought boots . 🙂 I went to Naturalizer first , and they were having INCREDIBLE sales . Have you ever bought a pair of knee - high boots for $ 40 ? I have . 🙂 But I didn 't buy them immediately . I asked them to hold a pair of black boots for me . I checked out Easy Spirit and Nine West ( nothing I liked ) and then went to Clarks - Bostonian . I couldn 't decide if I wanted to buy black or brown boots ( I have more stuff that goes with black boots , but that sweater dress I bought would look great with brown ) , so I was just checking everything out . Clarks had the most perfect , most comfortable ( of course ) pair of black boots . On sale naturally , because everything 's on sale right now . So I bought them . Then I went back to Naturalizer because I wanted those $ 40 boots in brown . They didn 't have them in brown in my size ! Boo ! But the salespeople told me I could order them , same price , and have them delivered at home . 🙂 So I will get them in a week or so . I 'm so very happy . 🙂 Now I want more clothes to go with my awesome boots . by Zannah Leave a Comment We went to Melodee Music ( in Sterling ) and went directly to the drum section . They had four electronic drumsets set up , but they were roped off with a sign saying to ask for help . We didn 't have go very far , though , before a store employee showed up . VERY helpful . If he works on commission at all , I can see why . The cheapest drumset ( which is apparently for beginners or kids ) is on sale for $ 800 . The two he demonstrated for us ( and then let us play ) were the upper two , on sale for $ 2000 and $ 3600 . That shouldn 't count as " on sale " . But whatever - they were both REALLY cool and lots of fun to play . We played Roland sets . There are plenty of other companies making these , but I haven 't done any research to find out how much they go for and who makes the best ones . I really haven 't done any research at all . And because of the price for the upper level models ( the ones with the most flexibility , the ones both John and I would prefer to have ) , this will be a future purchase . But it 's so cool . 🙂 They have presets so you can change the sound of the entire set or of each pad individually . The bigger ones have room to add on pieces , and because it 's electronic , you can plug the whole thing into a computer , so John could use it for his studio . We finished playing around on the drums and John found a guitar to try out . He wasn 't really crazy about it , but he says that may have been because of the amp he was playing through . Also , the strings were too thin ( lightweight , maybe ? ) or something . I was sitting on a stool in the same room , half - listening , half - daydreaming . I have no idea now what I was thinking about , but I was entertaining myself . Apparently , I looked bored out of my mind , so John decided one guitar was enough to try today and said we could leave . I didn 't realize he did that for me until we were most of the way home , though . I just thought he was done . I didn 't mean to look bored . I was just deep in thought . Honest . by Zannah 3 Comments John and I were just discussing where we might need to go to get some shopping today , when we realized ( duh ) that we really can do all of this online . So then we decided not to go . Until John realized that Melodee Music is open and they have this guitar he was thinking about and he wants to play it . And I can mess around on an electronic drumset . So we ARE going out . 35 ° Look ! The degree symbol ! I had to paste it in from Word . Jess - go to Insert , Symbol , and then at the bottom of the Symbol box , type 0176 in the Character Code field and choose ASCII ( decimal ) from the dropdown menu in the next field . So you can insert it in to the Word doc and paste it into your blog post . There 's supposed to be a keyboard shortcut ( CTRL 0176 ) , but it can only be used on the keypad , and I don 't have one on my laptop . ( At least , that 's why I think it 's not working for me . ) I ran this morning ( just two miles with the dogs ) and it was cold enough that I could try out my new winter running clothes . All that moisture - wicking stuff . Worked great ! Well , I don 't know about the wicking , but it was an effective extra layer . I wasn 't really cold . Okay , review 's over . One of our friends at work got fired laid off today . He didn 't get any notice . It was one of those Friday afternoon bombshells . John found out when he asked for boxes so he could pack up his office . The last time our boss laid people off , she gave them two weeks . That was over a year ago , when the economy was much stronger . And that is just one of the many things that bother us about this whole thing . I was about to list other things , but because I 'm deliberately being vague about this , the list lacks substance . Our boss came to each of the rest of us to tell us what happened and to reassure us that our jobs are safe . It 's hard to believe that . We 're not really worried , exactly , but it 's better to be prepared . I 'm pretty confident that we 'll have jobs at least through the rest of the fiscal year . Anyway , John is outright angry . It 's going to be an interesting weekend . But thankfully , it IS the weekend . In some ways , this has been a long week ( TWO dentist appointments ! ) , and in others , it 's gone pretty quickly . No matter how I look at it , though , I 'm tired . We don 't have any major plans - well , I don 't . John is meeting his project group Sunday morning . I would like to get some holiday shopping done , although we 'll probably be scaling back on that , compared to other years . I feel like we should be more careful ( financially ) that we 're being right now . We 're not in any trouble , but SO many other people are that I think we should just be , well , more careful . Who knows what could happen ? Especially after today . So I 'm thinking the big present idea I had for John might be off the table this year . And if he 's planning on spending a lot on me , I 'll try to talk him out of it . I 'm worried about the what - ifs . ( Because I always have to have something to worry about . Just ask John . Or Mom . It 's just that money isn 't usually it . And it isn 't even it right now . I feel like I should be worried about it . So I am . ) I 'm still going to have a nice weekend . The no - major - plans part will help a lot . I can just relax while John works on his project . I can clean up our bedroom ( which looks like a hurricane struck ) , maybe finally clean out the closets ( although that might be too ambitious for this weekend ) , read , listen to the new Christmas albums that just got delivered , RUN - I have to run . I keep saying that , but that 's only because I really mean it . John and I ordered Chinese food tonight because his throat is starting to get scratchy and he wanted wonton soup ( Mom , did you catch that ? He wanted SOUP ( ! ) for his sore throat . ) . We watched an episode of Rescue Me , and then his mom called . They 're discussing the best way to crop our winning family picture , I 'm assuming for Christmas cards . Or maybe just to go in Christmas cards . And that reminds me . Last year , John and I sent holiday cards . Actually , we made two lists . One list was cards for me to send , and one was for him . John never did get around to sending any on his list . I sent all of mine , but here 's the problem : I didn 't keep the list . I don 't know who I sent cards to last year . I know some of them , but I 'm sure I can 't remember all of them . Here 's a thought . If I sent you a holiday card last year , send me your address again . 🙂 I can 't believe I didn 't keep the list . I can only think of seven or eight that I 'm sure I sent . And I 'm sure I sent more than that . So … . if you don 't get a card from me this year , and you got one last year , I 'm sorry . I 'm not snubbing you . If you didn 't get a card from me last year , then yes , I am snubbing you . by Zannah 5 Comments I ran this morning ! It feels like more of an accomplishment than it should . I mean , I should be running almost every day , so the fact that I ran this morning shouldn 't feel so momentous . I need to get back into the habit . Whatever , I still did good . I ran three miles today , no walking . Usually , when I 've taken this much time off , I have to add a couple of short stretches of walking . Except for about a week 's worth of slow 2 - mile jaunts with the dogs and two 3 - mile workouts by myself ( including today 's ) , the only running I 've done in the last few weeks has been the races ( three in November ) . I 've been lazy since the end of October . I just reread that list of what I 've done and it doesn 't come across as all that lazy , but to put it another way , I 've gone running about 12 times in 6 weeks . I should have gone running about 30 times ( 5 days a week , 6 weeks ) . by Zannah Leave a Comment I had the morning shift at work today ( meaning I had to be there by 8am , instead of my normal 9 : 30 to 10 ) . I spent most of the day really annoyed . It messed with my schedule ( no snoozing , no running ) and it was just TOO EARLY . My perspective changed when 4 o ' clock rolled around and I could go home . I 'm forcing myself to write something . I said I would post every day . ( Yes , I know I 've already broken that rule , but I didn 't do it on purpose . ) I guess I could post what I have , but that feels like not enough . On the other hand , whatever crap I 'm writing right now won 't be much fun for anyone to read . Of course , I didn 't promise quality stuff when I started this blog . So if I 'm boring you , feel free to skip this post . Okay , I think I 'm done babbling about nothing . I can 't even call that babbling . That 's just filling space . Sorry , guys . Nothing much happened today . I 'm going to have some hot chocolate and read my book for a while and go to bed early . I HAVE to run tomorrow morning . Have to , have to , have to . And then go to the dentist . Again . I 'm just really tired and that doesn 't lead to writing . I 'm sure I 'll feel better , more alert , once I start running regularly again . I 've been really bad about it lately , 5Ks aside . by Zannah Leave a Comment The results for the Thanksgiving Day Ashburn 5K were finally posted . According to the official results ( and considering the issues at the finish line , I have no idea how they measured this ) , I finished in 30 : 29 . Not terrible , but not below 30 minutes . However . These are results I don 't trust , don 't believe at all . The problem is that I really have no way of estimating what my actual time was . At the very least , I think I beat 30 minutes ( in reality , in actual time ) because it was about 20 seconds before I passed the start line and I was delayed for a while ( definitely more than 10 seconds ) at the finish line because of the line of runners backed up from the chute . So I think I can comfortably tell myself I beat 30 , without knowing my actual time . I 'm considering running with a watch in the future , and tracking my own time . On the other hand , am I really that anal ? ( Shut up , people . ) I 'm not qualifying for anything , I 'm not training for anything . I 'm running for weight loss and overall health . I can be mildly competitive and not go overboard . Right ? We 'll see . It 's also possible that I didn 't beat 30 minutes . I 'll never know . So you know what ? No more obsessing . About this race . by Zannah Leave a Comment … where " super cool " means funny in a musically geeky kind of way . Oh , and really awesome . The concert was great . And it was a total surprise . I didn 't even know they were in town . By Friday I knew something was happening on Monday , but I had no idea what . I got a call from my dentist 's office while we were driving to PA on Friday . They wanted to know if I could move one of my appointments to Monday afternoon . I was already telling them I couldn 't ( because of work ) , when I noticed that John was saying that I definitely could not go to the dentist Monday afternoon . Naturally ( once I was off the phone ) , I wanted to know why he would all of a sudden care when I go to the dentist . And he refused to tell me ! So I knew something was up but had no idea what . And somehow , I managed to keep my curiosity in check all weekend . Then it was Sunday night , and I started trying to find out if there was anything I needed to know . You know , do I have be prepared for something ? Do I have to dress up ? Are we coming home after work or do I have to ready for whatever it is that morning ? I think I wore him down , so he told me before we went to sleep that he got us tickets for the Canadian Brass holiday concert at the Kennedy Center ! So cool . I love them . All five of them ( two trumpets , one french horn , a tuba , and a trombone ) entered from the back of the hall , playing something slow ( I don 't remember what ) . They walked in step , in slow motion , in single file ( I could go on ) down the aisle towards the stage . They were all wearing black suits with white Adidas sneakers and different color shirts . They looked comfortable . Fun . Which is pretty much what they are . Two of the members have been in the group since they started in 1970 . One of the trumpeters is only 20 ! And he was GOOD . Of course he was good , he 's in the Canadian Brass , but you know what I mean . And on top of that , John got permission from our boss for us to take the morning off and not go to work until 1pm today . He didn 't realize I had a dentist appointment at 10 : 20 and was already planning on not showing up until 1 , but that doesn 't make it any less sweet . So we slept in and had a lazy morning . It was very nice . And my dentist appointment was not painful , so that was good , too . Once I got to work and the numbness wore off , my mouth started to ache , but hey , that 's what ibuprofen is for . And I only have two more appointments . This year . This month , since it 's December already . And now that I 'm not hurting anymore , I can have turkey sandwiches for dinner . Okay , one turkey sandwich . And some leftover green bean casserole . Leftover Thanksgiving food is not good for my diet . by Zannah 4 Comments John is carrying me off to a Canadian Brass holiday concert at the Kennedy Center tonight . So this is the only update you get today . ( Work was actually really busy . ) by Zannah 5 Comments We had a really nice Thanksgiving . Erik , Margaret , Greg , and Amanda came over in the early afternoon , and we had dinner around 3 or so . Very yummy . Greg brought his Xbox and Rock Band , so we played after dinner . Love that game ! I 'm really bad on the guitar , but drums and vocals were lots of fun . We eventually moved on to Grand Theft Auto , another game I 'd never even seen . That one is just as much fun to watch ( and heckle ) as it is to play . They stayed until around 11 . It was a long day , and we were super tired , but we had a really good time . We didn 't get up as early as we 'd planned Friday morning . We 'd hoped to get John 's parents ' house by about noon , but since it was after nine before we got up , that wasn 't possible . ( It 's a three - hour drive . ) We dropped the dogs off at the kennel and hit the road just after eleven . We had a really nice couple of days in PA . It was just the immediate family , so it was really low - key . We had a late lunch when we arrived , and then John went to help his dad spackle and I took Emily and Molly to get movies and buy wine . I always enjoy spending time with the girls , so it was nice to have errands to run . Molly gets funnier every time I see her . We rented two movies ( P . S . I Love You and Dan in Real Life ) , but by the time dinner was over and we were ready for movies , we really only had time for one . Emily wanted to see me cry , so we watched P . S . I Love You . It was … okay . I did cry once , during the scene where she goes running to her mother , but otherwise , no tears . Sorry , Em . I 'm sure the book is better . John and I will try to watch the other movie soon . Tom and Tania ( Tanya ? I 'm not sure ) arrived just as the movie was ending ( shortly after midnight Friday night ) . We didn 't see as much of her as you might think since she has a test on Monday and spent most of Saturday studying for it . She has to pass this test so she can start student - teaching and get her certification , and she was pretty stressed about it . But we enjoyed the time we did get to spend with her . We spent a couple of hours ( no , I 'm not exaggerating ) Saturday afternoon setting up this year 's Brewer family picture . Pat bought a giant inflatable Santa Claus that sits in a chair , waves , and talks . We arranged ourselves around it , put on our Santa hats ( sequined for the girls , furry for the boys ) , wrestled Mabel ( the dog ) into position , and then took picture after picture until we got one in which everyone was smiling , everyone 's eyes were open , the dog was looking ( mostly straight ahead ) , and Molly wasn 't making a face . We did eventually get that perfect picture . And then we had Thanksgiving dinner . Again ( for everyone . The Brewers had Thanksgiving dinner at Barbara 's house on Long Island on Thursday . ) . But it was good , again , so it wasn 't a bad thing . John and I left to come home around 9 : 20 . We made one stop ( for Starbucks ) just east of Harrisburg , and made it home in almost exactly three hours . It didn 't feel that long , though . We were in bed and asleep before 1am , totally exhausted . Got up today about 10 : 30 , after a very lazy morning listening to the rain . We went out to pick the dogs up from the kennel , and we haven 't left the house again . The fire is still going , John is still doing homework , and I 've been reading in between paragraphs . It 's been a very pleasant day . by Zannah Leave a Comment Today is the best kind of winter weekend day . It 's been raining off and on , it 's chilly outside , and we don 't have to go anywhere . John built a fire , and we 're both sitting on the couch with our laptops . He 's doing homework , and I 'm doing , well , this . We have classical music playing in the background , cheese and crackers on our ( makeshift ) coffee table , a glass of wine , and two dogs curled up on their beds in front of the fire . Perfect . John and I ran in a 5K in Ashburn Thanksgiving morning . It was really cold ( low 30 's ) , but sunny and not windy , so still a big improvement over the Herndon Turkey Trot . The 5K started at 8 : 25 , and the start took us by surprise . We were standing in the crowd , didn 't have watches on , and everyone was talking and stretching . The start ( was it a starting gun ? maybe one of those blasts from a bullhorn ? I don 't remember ) jolted everyone around us and the crowd started to push across the starting line . John noticed that the clock already had 19 or 20 seconds on it by the time we crossed the official line . But whatever - that 's not really all that unusual . These things always start out in a crush like that , and not everyone can be in the front . It makes the official times a little less trustworthy , I guess , but , again , whatever . I started running . I was concentrating on keeping my breathing even , and breathing through my nose to warm up the air before it got to my lungs . I could also tell that my right shoelaces were getting loose . Every time my right foot hit the ground , I could feel them loosen more , until , inevitably , my right shoe came untied . I hadn 't been running more than 5 minutes at that point , but I knew that if I stopped to tie my shoe , I 'd have a much harder time finishing the race . I had the momentum I needed and I didn 't want to lose it . For the rest of the race , I concentrated on my stride so I could make sure my left foot never hit the ground close enough to land on my flapping right shoelaces . My time for the first mile , according to the guy with a stopwatch , was 9 : 38 . I felt pretty good about that , but because so much of the first mile was uphill , I was hurting . I slowed down a bit during the second mile , but managed to keep running . The time at the end of the second mile , again according to the woman with the stopwatch , was 18 : 23 . She shouted out the time as we went by , and I actually said , out loud , " That 's not possible . " The women around me agreed with me . If it were true , it meant that I ran my second mile in 8 : 45 , which is something I have NEVER done . But even knowing that it didn 't sound right ( since I KNOW I slowed down for part of that mile ) , I had no reason to think the woman was wrong , so as I started my third mile I had hope that I could beat 29 minutes . ( False hope . John told me later ( and it makes sense ) that if a time doesn 't sound right to me AND it doesn 't sound right to the people around me , it probably isn 't right . ) About half of the third mile was on a path behind a neighborhood north of the Broadlands shopping center , and as we came off the path and back onto neighborhood streets , there were spectators telling us we were almost there . And then we had to climb another hill . It 's just MEAN to put a hill at the very end of a race . But we climbed the hill and then I could see the fiOfficial time ( or lack of it ) aside , I felt pretty good about this race , and I think John did , too . It was a beautiful morning , we ran three hard miles , and then we were going home to put the turkey in the oven . John says that even though I say I 'm not competitive about running ( since while I 'm actually running I 'm mostly just trying to convince myself to keep my legs moving ) , my annoyance about the race clock and mile times AND the fact that I refused to stop to tie my shoelaces mean that I can now consider myself a real runner . Just in time for me to figure out how to keep it up over the winter . So if official race times ever get posted , I 'll let everyone know how it turned out . by Zannah 5 Comments Just a quick note to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone . We got up this morning around 7 : 20 and ran a very cold 5K . Who knows what the official times will turn out to be , but I 'll get into that later . Enjoy the day and don 't eat too much ! 🙂 by Zannah 8 Comments I 've used my new electric toothbrush twice now , and the verdict is … I don 't know yet . It makes my whole head vibrate , but I 've been told I 'll get used to it . We 'll see . I do like how it makes my mouth feel once I 'm done , though . I feel super clean . I just need to learn the tricks , I guess . When I used it last night , I put the toothpaste on the brush and turned it on before it was in my mouth . Toothpaste flew everywhere . I didn 't turn it on until it was against my teeth this morning . Much better . Is there anything else I should know about ? |
Let 's set up the scene first : We were in Florida . We 'd visit Dan 's family in Daytona for a couple of days after taking a cruise to Jamaica . We were flying home out of Ft . Lauderdale , where the rental car had to be returned by 9 : 38am . 9 : 38am . And Ft Lauderdale airport was basically 4 hours away . Meaning we had to be up and out the door by about 5 : 30am . With two teenagers and a twenty year old . Sure . No problem , mon . The night before , I mentioned to Dan about the idiot who decided to try to blow up his underwear , and a whole Airbus full of people , in Detroit . Detroit happened to be where our layover was going to be , so I had some concerns about what travel would be like the next day . Now let me tell you , I fly with Xanax on board , but I don 't have enough to share with cranky teenagers , so I had a legitimate concern . Dan was worried about the weather on Sunday , which was our day to fly out . This was how we made the executive decision to go home a day early . Dan insisted that getting up at 5 : 45 was going to be plenty early , so I set his cell phone alarm for 5 : 15 and when it went off , made him get up and at ' em . I had suggested to the boys , only half joking , that they sleep in the van the night before , but alas , they were on the couch , head to head . Woke ' em up , then went and woke up Jill . There was much unintelligible speech . I actually believe that the only thing I understood was the fact that Thomas couldn 't find his phone . Oye and vay . " You had it last . " " No , you probably lost it . " " Actually , I had it last , but it 's been moved from where I left it . " " I don 't know why you people can 't give me my stuff back after you borrow it . I need my phone . " " Well where did you leave it ? " " I didn 't have it last . " " You had it last . . . . . " See where this is going ? In the midst of this , another conversation starts . " It 's cold out there . Can I take a blanket ? " " No , share your brother 's . " " I don 't want HIS blanket . I want a blanket of my own . " " What are you going to do with a blanket at the airport ? We already have one to deal with . Just dress warm . Posted by So , how was your Halloween ? Halloween is , as many of you know , NOT my favorite holiday . I 've always considered it to the The Holiday to Punish Uncreative Parents . Maybe it all goes back to the Halloween that someone cut our cat 's tail off . Maybe it has something to do with the fact that on Jill 's first Halloween , when she was ten months old , we dressed her as a Damnation , then she promptly vomited all over the entire outfit after the first stop we made . I really do hate Halloween . I don 't get into the whole make - a - costume thing . The one and only time I actually made a costume was for Seth , the year he wanted to be Link , from Legend of Zelda . Link wears a tunic , a pair of Robin Hood type tights , and some elf boots . Seth 's Link consisted of a felt tunic that was glued and stapled together , a pair of girls leggings from the DAV ( no way I 'd have gotten him into tights ) , and a cute pair of 80s pixie boots . He never knew that half of Link came from the girl 's department . Guess he does now , but he loved that costume . So yeah , I am not into the whole Halloween thing . This year , since Dan was going to be at church most of the evening , cleaning up after the fish fry , I debated not even getting any candy , and just hiding from the wee ones . In the end , guilt won and I bought our usual $ 80 of candy , cause we get a LOT of trick or treaters . I got the candy ready , and Seth , God love him , said he 'd take the dogs up to his room , cause as we all know , Boo is just plain crazy , and Timmy is getting old enough that he 's confused a good portion of the time . He figured that if he took them up there , maybe the trick or treaters would live . So , my friend stops by with her kid , right about the time the neighbor says " you MUST go over on the other block and see the tree , before they close it down . It 's hilarious . " We 'd already have 150 + kids at our house , and it finally was slowing down , so we decided to get in the car and go see . You may remember that I 'm not so good at driving in reverse , but I 've done pretty well lately . Still , I started bPosted by Dan has always told the kids , from a very , very young age , that if they could make it to the age of twenty with no altercations with the police , that they would receive $ 1000 on their twentieth birthday . Now , you might think that this is a little crazy , but case in point : Dan , by the age of twenty , had had two tickets , and two car accidents , one of which left his mother 's Grand Am straddling a median on Post Road . ( I think there was tequila involved ) . One of our friends ' daughter had two wrecks in her first year of driving . Another had two speeding tickets in the same timeframe . We 'd probably pay out $ 1000 in insurance premiums if that happened to us , or at the very least , spend the same in gas and Xanax , if they screwed up and we took the keys away and I had to drive them everywhere . What I looked at at first as a silly little bet became a huge carrot , and a big savings for us , both in our checking account as well as my nerves . When the kids finally started driving , I 'd tell them " you know , you can speed up a little bit , " and would be met with " no way Mom , I 'm driving the speed limit , cause I want my thousand bucks . " I started realizing that this bet had MEANING . We did mention to them that it wasn 't totally on their word , since we have friends who are police officers , and we 'd be running a police report , so they 'd better not lie to us . I should probably mention here too , that I have always told the kids that if they ever wanted to call me and have me pick them up , I 'd pick ' em up anywhere , but if they called me from jail , they 'd better be telling me they were getting comfortable for the night , cause I would not pick them up . " Well Mom , " they would say , " what if it wasn 't our fault ? What if our friends did something , and we just happened to be there ? " Well guess what ? Mama didn 't raise no dumbies , and I told ' em that I didn 't raise them to have stupid friends either , so if they had stupid friends , then they deserved to be in jail , and they 'd better not call me . I did mention , however , that their father , probably rPosted by I 've been a nurse for 26 years . I 've been a triage nurse for ten years . In that time , I have heard just about every excuse there is for losing a prescription for " the good stuff . " But today , I heard what will probably go down as my favorite . More on that later . Here are ones that we hear so often , you shouldn 't bother with them : " I dropped it in the toilet . " Please . " I left it at the hotel , and the maids stole it . " Someone cleaned out my car and it got thrown away . It got stolen when I went in to pay for my gas at the gas station . It got stolen . Now , I did get a bit of extra credit to the guy who called one Saturday and said his house had been broken into , and all they stole was his prescription . Hmmmm . . . . Well , toddle off to the ER with a police report , and maybe , just maybe , they will give you a script . Next day , the same guy calls back , saying " you aren 't gonna believe it , but my house got broken into and they stole my police report . " You 're right . I don 't believe you . Up till today , the best one I 'd heard was someone who said " my Xanax got stolen at a baby shower . " Now that must 've been quite some baby shower , and maybe she didn 't get a new prescription , but I did give her points for creativity . Today , I had the penultimate reason given to me : " The South Korean government confiscated it . " And the funny thing is , it was true . Without going into details , let 's just say that the Koreans don 't like anyone bringing medicine out of the country , so somewhere there 's a South Korean guard standing at attention , with a goofy blank look . Make that guy pee in a cup . Disclaimer : I know what my parents will say when they read this . Last week , Dan and I were messing about in the yard . He of the paintbrush was doing as painters do , and I was just hanging out . Had the Big Butt dog out there , and the Whirling Dervish as well . Just a nice relaxing evening . On a Tuesday . ( Make note of day . ) Dan decided that he would go up front and bring back the trashcans , since trash day was long gone . The Whirling Dervish followed him and , since that monster only listens to male voices , he wouldn 't come back to the back . I warned Dan to send him to the back yard , and Dan assured me he would keep an eye on him , and he was fine . And yeah , he should 've been , because he only listens to men . No joke . I can talk till my heart 's content , and he won 't budge till he hears a male voice , even if it 's a block away . Three hours later , I was vacuuming in the living room , and suddenly realized that I wasn 't being chased by that squirrely puppy . Asked Dan where he was , and got the typical mumble from a husband who 's not really 100 % invested in the conversation . I asked him again , with The Tone , and he suddenly looked at me with a look that told the whole story . He hadn 't let him in . We had no idea where he was . It was just starting to get dark , so we got in the car and went out looking for him , figuring maybe he 'd be running in circles around someone who was out walking their dog . There were TONS of people out walking that night . Walking is the key word here , because there was no dog tripping them by running in frantic orbs around them . We looked at each other with a " you tell Jill look . " Nobody really wanted to say a thing , cause she was upstairs doing her teenaged angst thing in her room . So , I waited till she came down the Pattern Central , and casually mentioned that " oh , by the way , you realize we have no idea where Rocky is , right ? " Unhappiness reigned , then sadness when the reality hit that he was likely gone . We went out looking for him every day since - - except Thursday , when Jill left for school , and we gotPosted by Well folks , believe it or not , the fast has been broken . Jill ate meat . Well , not exactly meat , but after nine years of not eating anything with a face , the girl ate a bite of chicken . I made a thrown - together dinner tonight - - - chicken breasts , lightly browned , cut into pieces and thrown into the pot with some tomatoes , beans , corn , herbs , garlic , and whatever else I thought fit . Threw in some cheese and sour cream and call it a dinner , cause that 's what I did . In typical Dan fashion , he added some broken up chips ( he can 't have a dinner without a lotta carbs ) , and there we were . There we were , fixing up nice bowls of this mix , and in walked Jill . Uh oh . Normally when I cook something like this , I mix it all up and add the meat last . That gives me a chance to fix the vegetarian girl the same meal as us , without me thinking too awful much . Tonight , I totally forgot to do that , which meant I had one big pot ' o Mexican stuff , and no pots of vegetarian stuff . Sometimes that is still ok with The Brat , cause she 'll just pick out the meat if it 's in chunks , so that 's what I suggested . She started staring it down , and thought that the chicken wasn 't so chunky , and it was gonna be hard to pick out . I begged to differ , but after a long day working in the barn , she gave up the ghost and fixed a bowl anyway . We were sitting there chatting away , when she came upon a big chunk ' o chicken in her bowl . She held it up and perused it , turning it all around on her fork , staring at it the whole time , before she announced , " I think I 'm gonna eat this piece of chicken . " Now , I 've heard this before . She said a year ago , maybe two years ago , at Thanksgiving , that she thought she was maybe going to have some turkey . I told her she could eat what she wanted , and no one really cared , because it was up to her . Chickened out at the last minute ( pun intended , maybe , I don 't know ) . Ate no meat until tonight , when she sat there staring down the chicken . She looked a little apprehensive , then asked , " who thinks I should eat this chicken . We 're gonPosted by Seth started high school last month . This child , who had never graced the halls of higher education , who was fascinated with the inner workings of a non - electric pencil sharpener on the one occasion he visited a school office , is now a publicly educated young man . By his choice . So here are a few snippets of information , after three weeks of school : As a freshman , stay far , far away from the upperclassmen . They are not kind to the underlings . Find a table of freshman at lunch , and plant it . If the band instruments have not yet arrived , do something . Anything . Do not , under any circumstances , when the principal is talking to your family during the Welcome Picnic , mention that " we finally did something in band besides sleep . " It WILL raise eyebrows , even if the band instruments haven 't arrived , and even if it 's the truth . Do tell your mother , on the other hand , that " I think we 're going to do something in band now , instead of sleep . " When she asks how you know this , tell her , as the Spare to the Throne did , " because she told us to bring a pencil to class . " And the following day , when your mom asks why said pencil was required in Band , do tell her that it 's because you took notes . The irony of that statement , when talking about band , will further amuse her . Your mother needs amusement . Do not , under any circumstances , tell your sister of any altercations at school , if she has , as The Brat did , tell you that she would cut anyone who messed with her baby brother . You really can 't be sure if she 's kidding or not . Teenaged girls are unpredictable . Do , on the other hand , tell the Heir to the Throne about any seniors who are messing with you . Why only seniors ? Because , as he says " I 'm not going to jail for any little babies . They have to be 18 . " Oye AND vay . And lastly , when you find out that your lockermate is the principal 's son , do find a way to work that to your advantage . I would think that there would be a way to work it out so that a grade is improved , or something . Even if the principal 's son is as messy as you . Shoot foPosted by There was a time , some years ago , that we bought a car from our neighbors . He was over 80 , and she was close to it , and they were moving to an assisted living , so we bought their 14 year old Grand Marquis . It had something like 40 , 000 miles on it , and had literally been driven only to church on Sundays and to get Inez ' hair done on Mondays . A beautiful piece of machinery it was , although I called it the aircraft carrier . Heck , I often said I could have fit six dead bodies in that trunk . It was huge . One day shortly after we bought it , Dan had a flat . He didn 't have time to go get it fixed , so he was riding along on the spare for a few days . For some reason , I had to drive him somewhere and drop him off , so we loaded up the kids and took off . I can 't even remember why I drove him there , but there I was on the way back , on 465 , going probably 70 + mph , when I heard a BAM , and then a horrible banging noise . Oh man . I pulled over to the shoulder and got out to inspect the offending tire , and was shocked to see that the tire was still inflated , but that I could 've literally peeled back about 18 inches of tread from the innertube . Weird . I 've never seen anything like it , but the tire was as inflated as it was before it happened . I was faced with a strange dilemma , especially since the kids were with me . Seth was a baby , so Thomas and Jill were probably kindergarten and first grade . I wasn 't near an exit and was not really in the mood to haul the kids down the shoulder , then climb a fence into a total stranger 's backyard to see if I could use their phone - - and who would I call , because Dan was incommunicado ? We were too broke at the time for AAA , so the options were rather limited . I sat there and mulled over my dilemma for a few minutes while the kids offered their own suggestions through the window , then decided to go for it and just drive home . The problem was that I didn 't want to drive it too fast , because every time that tread came around , it would BANG onto the wheel well really hard , making a horrible racket and , Posted by The Brat works at a horseback riding stable . This is her second full year there , and she loves it . She gets to ride her own horse a good portion of the time , and gets to ride a lot . Only my Jill could enjoy shovelling horse poop all day long , but she does . The other day , she was the guide for a group that included a 15yo boy and his grandparents . Said boy was working my girl 's last nerve , because he didn 't want to follow instructions . Kept taking his feet out of the stirrups . That 's a no - no . Then he 'd drop his reins . Another no - no . Kept repeating his errors , which was working her nerves . You don 't want to work Jill 's nerves . His final sin was when he finished his water bottle , then lobbed it over to the brush . It hit a tree , then bounced back and hit his horse . Uh oh . Jill stopped , dismounted , and had another customer hold her horse 's reins while she walked back to the offender . " Get down , " said the girl . " What ? " said the offender . " I said get down . " " I won 't be able to get back on . " Uh oh . " I 'll help you get back on . Get down . " Now she 's getting testy . You don 't want Jill to get testy . Especially if you are a teenaged boy , because she is the middle child and the only girl , sandwiched between two teenaged brothers . She KNOWS how to handle teenaged boys . To the point that one kinda crazy right - wing homeschool mom told me that she may just have trouble finding a mate , if she didn 't learn how to speak nicely to the boys . Now , I have to say that since she was 15 at the time , I really wasn 't too concerned about her finding a mate , but I will say that she won 't take any crap from the one she finds . Meanwhile , back at the ranch . . . . . . . . . . the offender finally realizes that he 'd better obey the guide , cause she ain 't gonna back down and , if history tells us anything , she most likely had a rather crazed look in her eye . He got down off the horse . " Now , go pick up that bottle . " " What am I gonna do with it , cause there 's no trash can . " " You are going to carry it , " says she . " Pick it up . " He does . She helps him back on his horse . She says Posted by So , we decided to take the kids to Cedar Point this weekend . Thomas wasn 't up for it , so we took Seth 's BFF Chris , who appears to have joined our household , with the blessing of his parents , most weekends . Chris is six weeks younger than Seth , and they 've been friends since they used to sit on Zoe Martinez in the nursey of our church , when they were less than a year old . They are two mismatched peas in a pod - - Seth stands about 6 - 8 inches taller than Chris , at this point - - but they are definitely buddies . A lot can be learned from teenagers , especially boys , and even more especially while on an extended ride in the car . Take , for example , movies . Chris cannot make it more than about ten minutes in the van before he wants a movie put in . I personally don 't care , because I 'm driving , but Jill likes movies too , and this time , she happened to bring a whole CD casefull . After much voting by raising of hands , they decided to put in Eagle Eye , with that Leboeuf boy that Jill is always remarking about . This , of course , meant that surely there would be peace in the van but no . Halfway through it , Jill woke up yelling that the movie was too loud . Big surprise , as this movie has a LOT of explosions in it , and the fact that the volume has to be up pretty far in the van for anyone to be able to hear it . Later , after we were settled in the hotel , the kids had been for a swim and we 'd had dinner , we sat watching some fabulous food channel show that involved people making cakes based on various Pixar films , Shrek 2 on Broadway , and the like . Yummy stuff ! We finally had to turn it off not only so we could get up in the morning , but so that we didn 't get a sugar buzz . Jill was sleeping with her head on the opposite end on the rollaway bed , Dan and I had one bed , and the boys were sideways on their bed . Pitch black . A round of " Night John Boy , ' Night Mary Ellens , and we were near sleep . Then it broke loose . I think it started with Seth doing something to Chris . I 'm not really sure what , but Chris jumped on top of Seth in retaliatioPosted by Rocky went missing yesterday . Jill had changed the rules - of - feeding here , and wants the dogs fed in the morning . Fine for her , cause she goes to work very early in the morning , but Seth is a ) still not complete familiar with the concept of morning , and b ) a creature of habit . The habit has been feeding in the evening , so the morning feedings on the weekends ( Seth 's days ) is a bit spotty . I wasn 't sure if he 'd fed them yesterday or not , so I asked him about 6 : 30pm if he 'd done it . I got the blank " omg , I 'm not sure " stare that said " uh oh , the sister 's gonna kill me . " Which is generally what happens if he forgets , so yes , he had reason to be concerned . He thought about it for a while , then decided to go ahead and feed them , just to be sure . The dogs , of course , weren 't saying , cause they will take food at any given moment that someone offers , and frequently when they don 't . Seth came back in the kitchen and asked where Rocky was . I had no idea , and told him to ask Jill . He already had , and she had said he was in the crate . " He 's not in there , " said the boy , so I told him to check in the corral outside , where I 'd put him earlier . I looked out the kitchen window as I said this , and saw that the gate was wide open . Uh oh . No Rocky outside . How the heck did he get loose ? I always check the gate when I close it , but Seth and I looked at each other , knowing that the specter of doom had just entered our kitchen , because if Jill found out , we were both gonna be dead . We took off in the van , looking for him . No go . Came home , and Jill was now gone looking for him , according to Dan . We went back out . Came back , and Jill was crying on the front step . Dropped off Seth and took off again with Jill , who was sure that the wicked witch had made off with Toto , and we would never see him again . We must 've driven the neighborhood ten times or more , to no avail . I still held out hope because he had both a collar and a microchip , but Jill was convinced that whoever had found him would keep her darling little baby ( aka ball of fire that cPosted by I talked the other day about the mouse in the house , and his sad flight into the neighbor 's next yard . Well , that wasn 't the end of it all . Let me first say that Dan works with Freddy , who happens to be from Guatemala . Freddy 's a great guy , an Apostolic who is devout in his faith . I 'd actually love to go to his church , because I suspect that there 's nothing quite like a bunch of Hispanic holy rollers . I think it would be inspiring . But I digress . Freddy has pretty good command of the English language , though he does have a thick accent . Dan likes working with him , because he 's really improved his Spanish , and of course , Freddy 's improved his English . Every once in a while , he 'll come out with " oh my Gah , " when something happens , which Dan , of course , emulates when things need lightened up around here . The topic this week has been " Michael Yackson , " and all of the sad events related to his demise , because Dan loved MJ , and is amused by the fact that Freddy knows about him , too , even if he can 't say the name right . Dan usually carpools with Freddy to worksites , driving Dan 's old minivan . ( Hey , we have teenagers . We can 't afford one of those fancy - schmancy painter 's vans , thought it is Dan 's dream . ) He drives an old minivan that he 'll drive till its dead - - the mechanic actually told us last year that it would only last another six months . It 's been almost a year . Well , the van started out white , and now has paint dabs all over the doors , and a gold hood , where a customer " forgot " that he was there , and backed right into his van . Goofy . Anyway , his van is usually packed up with dropclothes , paint poles , and a big Rubbermaid container full of brushes , rollers , and the like . He will lug it out once in a while , dump it all out , and reorganize . He 's a very organized person - - unlike me . So he lugs it out at the job site on this particular day , he said , and later wondered why the heck there were flies all around it . Didn 't think too much about it till he dug around later for a brush , and found a dead mouse . He pulls it out aPosted by I think I 've mentioned that Thomas is moving out . He 's getting his first apartment , and he 's pretty pumped up about it . He came down the other day and asked me if I 'd help him pack . I shivered at the thought . I told him he should start with his clothes first . Do the winter clothes now , and save what he needs to wear this week till later , but bring down the dirty clothes , cause I didn 't want him packing away dirty clothes . " I don 't have any dirty clothes , " said the heir to the throne . Sure . Right . Those of you who have read about his laundry in the past know that it is a thing to be feared . I went up to his room , and was met with the normal view - - floor covered with clothes . I pointed to one pile and asked , " what is that ? " He said " oh , those are dirty . " " So you DO have dirty clothes up here . What about these ? " I pointed to the pile next to the other one and asked " what 's up with these ? " " Oh , those are clean . " Just exactly how he could tell the difference is something that only a nineteen year old boy would know . I folded a few things and got him started , then left him to his own devices , telling him to bring the dirty stuff down . A little bit later , he comes down with half a hamper of clothes . I told him that no way was that all of it . He said " well , you don 't want it all . There 's a LOT . " OK , now we 're getting to the bottom of it . I told him to go back upstairs and toss down the dirty stuff , cause I was doing laundry , and wanted to do it all at one time . The result was an avalanche of clothes that darn near could 've knocked me out , and completely blocked anyone from the stairs . : : sigh : : At this point , I yelled up " throw your sheets down , too . " " WHAT , " he replied . " THROW YOUR SHEETS DOWN . " I gave up all hope with the response : " I have sheets ? " Seth told me the other day that he had heard something crunching in his room the night before . Those who have read this blog in the past know that Seth tends to travel in a little different orbit than the rest of us , so I just told him maybe there was a carpenter bee behind his dresser . Or maybe something had found some of the food that is bound to be in a 14yo boy 's room . Who knows . He was serious , and just knew that something was in there , and for some reason , he thought it was a rat . Hmmm . . . . . . . . . Later that afternoon , he came out and said that Bandit , our big dumb lug fat cat , was stalking something , and he had , indeed , seen a mouse scuttle across the room . Crazy . Now , we do tend to see ONE mouse a year in this house - - it 's an old house - - but it 's always in the fall , right when the cold weather starts . Not in the summer , but hey , the kid saw it , so there must be one . I went in to check it out , and the Fat Cat was trying desperately to get behind the dresser , and Jill 's dog was , for some reason , desperately trying to get under the bed . Well , I had Seth pull the dresser out , and found the dog brush that had been missing , several pens , a pair of flip flops , and enough dog hair to stuff a small pillow . Kinda like when I cleaned out the couch . The only thing we didn 't find was a mouse , but we did get all the crap cleaned out before we put the dresser back , almost crunching Bandit in the process , because he was determined to get back there . A couple hours later , Seth ran out and said that Bandit had indeed caught a mouse , followed by the inevitable " SEE , I told you I heard something in there . " Turned out that Bandit , the big fat lug , had caught the mouse , tossed it around a couple of times before dropping it , giving it ample time to run for its life into a corner and disappear . Seth was , of course , freaked out , thinking that Bandit would drop it on his pillow in the middle of the night . Next morning , I checked : no mouse on the bed . No cat stalking . Life moves on , at least for us , cause that mouse is probably dead . MiPosted by Thomas is moving out soon . This , of course , may be of little significance , since a lot of times , I forget he even lives here . Thomas is the quiet one in the family : the only one who isn 't a talker . Add this to the fact that he works evenings most of the time , then stays up most of the night , and we don 't usually see him till dinnertime anyway . On Sunday of Memorial weekend , we were sitting around , trying to figure out some plans for the next day . Whatever it was , Thomas mentioned that he couldn 't do it , because he had to work the next day . Since he normally works day shift on weekends and holidays , I didn 't think a thing about it . Noon the next day , who wanders into the living room but Thomas . " What are YOU doing here , " I asked him . I was , of course , met with a look of " my mother is an idiot " from the heir to the throne , who merely responded , " uh , I live here . " " Well , I thought you were working today . " " I don 't work till this evening , " he said . Oh ! Mid - afternoon , Jill wanted to go to the movies , and as we were getting ready , Dan asked if Thomas was going . I said no , he was working 3 - 11 . " Well , " Dan said , " then why is his car here ? " " Oh , dear Lord , he must 've lost track of time , " I said , and ran upstairs in a mild panic ( see , I still kind of feel responsible , though I don 't work there anymore ) . I said " What are you doing here ? " The look of " I am the child of an idiot " came my way . " I told you , I work tonight . " I slunk out of his room , feeling rather dumb that he must 've been working at 4 , not 3 . Off we went to the movies . We got home , and there he was , washing his car in the driveway . Well now I was SURE that he 'd screwed up . Jumped out of the car and demanded " What are you doing here ? " He just shook his head at me and looked away . " Seriously . What are you doing here ? " He was till looking at me like I was an idiot when he told me that it was Monday , which means he didn 't have to go in till 10 . Yeah , all of these exchanges , and I never found out what time he actually was supposed to go in . Guess that would 've been vaPosted by We recently had our hardwoods refinished - - as usual , a long involved process that included a dog jumping through a bedroom screen , but hey , that 's how we live around here . Happily , as soon as that ratty carpet came up , I was able to get off all my asthma meds , so yeah , hardwoods are good . Flip side is that I told Dan I wasn 't turning on the A / C until the ducts got vacuumed , cause I knew that they had to be full of sawdust . I scheduled an appointment with Hoosier Air Solutions , after a very interesting conversation with Dana , the owner . Nice guy who knows his stuff , so I felt good going into this . Felt even better when the tech showed up on time and ready to roll , had a USI shirt on ( that 's where The Brat is going to school in August ) , and was seemingly an equally nice guy . We were off to a great start . So I was showing said guy around the house , when he asked to see where the furnace was . I was walking downstairs to show him when I heard the back door open and who should show up but Dan 's brother . Four dogs , two cats , two teenaged boys , a brother in law , and a HUGE vacuum cleaner was going to , I knew , make for yet another interesting day in the land of Utter Chaos . Brother in law said he needed to use our internet connection , cause his laptop wasn 't working at his sister 's hours . Fine . If there 's one thing that we do well around here , it 's internet connection . Basically , if our internet connection went wonky , I 'm pretty sure three of us would have to be committed , so yeah , coming to our house to use our connection isn 't any big surprise . Since James is doing a class online , he really needed to get a good connection , so he plopped on the couch and started working . He got to the website and his computer froze . He was not happy , as this is a problem he 's apparently been having , and a couple of reboots later , things weren 't looking up . I told him to borrow Dan 's , but he kept trying to reload the site , without success . This set off a bit of a fit that involved some yelling at the computer and slapping of the keyboard , anPosted by We have suddenly acquired a possum in our yard . This is not an easy feat , considering we live in a very urban , inner city area , but leave it to us to get a possum . This fat thing showed up one night when Seth let the dogs out to do their business . He came running in the house , frantically looking for Jill 's help , because Big Butt and Butthead were going nuts , whilst Rocky was , of course , oblivious to the entire thing because he is an idiot . Next day , I was in the sunroom scanning patterns . It was about five o ' clock or so - - broad daylight - - as I sat in front of the picture window , scanning away . Well , you know that feeling you get when something 's just not right ? I got that feeling , and looked out the window to see that that possum was eying me from on top of the fence , on the other side of the driveway . I mean EYEING me , like Louis Gossett , Jr and Richard Gere in " An Officer and a Gentleman . " Creepy . Have you ever seen the claws on a possum ? They are HUGE . That possum sat there eyeing me for at least twenty minutes , even after the kids and the dogs came in the room and looked at him . We ordered Chinese , and long story short , Seth had to go out to pay the guy by going out the back door ( maybe I 'll tell that story tomorrow ) , went walking down the driveway right by that possum . Dan was cracking up , of course , and I was just hoping he didn 't make it angry . Seth , as usual , was oblivious . When he came walking back up the driveway with the food , I was even more concerned , so I said " hey Seth , look to your left . " He about jumped outta his skin when he realized that the possum was only about three feet from his head . We 've seen the critter off and on since , always on the fence . I haven 't seen him in a while , but the kids have , so I 'm always nervous letting the dogs out , especially at night . He kind of disappeared for a couple of days , so I thought maybe he was gone but oh no , he decided to appear today . Today . The day that the guys came to strip the hardwoods , and the dogs had to stay in Seth 's room for the day . Seth 's roomPosted by I had to drive down to Evansville today , so that Jill could get registered for classes and do freshman orientation . Just having Jill in the car can be an interesting experience , and we had to leave at 5 : 15 , so I really wasn 't sure what to expect . I guess I knew it wouldn 't be normal when I saw her walk out to the car in her pajamas , with a comforter wrapped around her head . It was pouring rain , too , which didn 't excite me too much . I love my little Yaris , but when it 's windy , it blows all over the place - - you 'd think with this fatty in the car , I 'd anchor it down , but no go . Add dark , semis and pouring rain to the mix , toss it in a bowl , and you get how I spent three and half hours of my morning . And without caffeine , too , which definitely made me cranky , but since Jill was sleeping in the back seat , I didn 't want to stop and risk waking the sleeping dragon , so I just kept going . Round about Vincennes , two and a half hours into our journey , Jill sat up and announced she was changing clothes . In the back seat of the car . I guess her days of modesty are gone , because after some muttering and kicking the back of my seat , she tossed the orientation schedule at me . This paper was something that she had gotten in the mail several weeks ago and me , trying to avoid being a helicopter parent , trusted her when she told me the time we needed to arrive . I asked her again the other day , and the answer was the same - - 8 o ' clock . I even happened to remember that Evansville , being in the heel of the boot , so to speak , is on Central time , which gave us an extra hour . An extra hour , that is , till I looked at that form and saw the little blurb about the placement test starting at 7am . The mandatory placement test which , if you don 't take it , you can 't register for classes . That 's when the mama dragon woke up , sans coffee , and was not smelling roses . I was pretty concerned about doing seven hours of driving , only to come home unscheduled for classes , but right about the time I started vocalizing my concerns , Jill said she felt sick . SaPosted by We went downtown today to the Earth Day celebration . Seth plays in an African drum group , and they 've performed at Earth Day for three years running now . It serves the dual purpose of being their spring performance , but it sure is fun . They get to perform with the adult group , Village Drums , who are phenomenal to watch . Seth got interested in drumming when he was about four . Our next door neighbor , Rad ( yes , that 's his real name ) was in Village Drums , and he used to practice in the back yard . Seth was never , ever shy , and he used to stand by the privacy fence and bellow that he wanted to see what Rad was doing . Rad , being the nice guy he is , invited Seth over to play the bongo a little bit , and Seth was hooked . Several years later , I saw a post on a homeschool board , from someone offering drum lessons to kids . It was just for a week in the summer , which was the perfect time to try it out . He returned in the fall for lessons , and has been playing for four years now . They play drums , cowbells , tambourines , and all sorts of percussion instruments that I can 't even pronounce the names of . The first time they performed with Village Drums at Earth Day , I told him how cool I thought it was . His only response was the complaint that it was hard to play with the adults because he couldn 't hear his part . As time has progressed and I 've seen them play together several times , I realize it really must be hard for them , but they sound good nonetheless . If you ever get a chance to go to a performance , or participate in a drum circle - - go . It 's not something you 'll forget . Of course , this year , the most memorable thing was actually after Seth was done . He and I were standing there listening to the adults play while Dan , as usual , wandered around talking to people . The whole thing was being done under a big tent , so we were standing on the grass . There were some chairs there , but not many , so I was standing there listening , when suddenly the guy in the chair next to me rolled right off his chair and onto my foot , doing a face plant Posted by After the great potato peel adventure of two nights ago , Dan decided to take matters into his own hands . When a full bottle of Drano failed to work , I tried the old vinegar and baking soda followed by boiling water trick , hoping that the Drano had opened it up just enough to let the elements take over . No go . Still clogged , albeit not a full sink full . I went downstairs to check it all out , then came up and told Dan that I thought the problem wasn 't in the kitchen sink trap , but in the trap for the dishwasher . That 's when he became a plumber , which usually ends in some kind of minor disaster . He went down and eyeballed the entire situation , then wondered aloud why there was a piece of PVC routed off the normal route , but capped . " If that comes off , then maybe it 'll let it all drain , " said he , right as he yanked it off . The result ? Mount Vesuvius , along with a lot of loud expletives - - enough to yank Seth off his computer chair and run downstairs to see what all the ruckus was about . By now , Dan had capped the entire thing again , but a few minutes and a few buckets later , he yanked it off again , and a disgusting Niagara falls ensued . After the buckets were empty , and Dan had plugged it all up again , he told me to go try the sink again . You guessed it . It was still clogged . This was , as I told him , because he wasn 't working in the area that was clogged - - he was working on the kitchen sink area , and the actual clog was further down , by the dishwasher . He fiddled around with it , and couldn 't manhandle it loose . That 's when the hack saw came out . Now let me tell you , a hack saw and plumbing is probably never a good thing , especially when being handled by an amateur . He started hacking , and Seth , standing in the wrong place at the wrong time , took a front frontal dose of greasy potato peel nastiness , soaking him from his head down . As if that wasn 't enough , the pseudo - plumber asked Mr Potato Head to hold the bucket while he hacked away , which meant that he got it again until the bucket got positioned correctly . The poor kPosted by Seth had drumming class yesterday , which means that I didn 't get home till 6 ; 15 or so . I put a nice roast in the crock pot , then called Jill on the way home and asked her to peel some potatoes so that we could have some nice mashed potatoes ( which I seem to mysteriously have figured out how to make to Thomas ' satifsaction ) . Got home , had lovely potatoes , and even though the crock pot had somehow turned off and left the meat rather are , I finished it off in the microwave and we had a nice , albeit very chewy , dinner . Thomas amazingly unloaded the dishwasher without being asked - - be still my heart - - and we started cleaning up , only to find that the kitchen sink was clogged . Running the disposal was no help , because everything just backed up into the other sink . Yuck . I couldn 't figure out what the heck the problem was till Jill said " the only thing I put in it was potato peels . " Well , there was the problem . Back when we lived in an apartment , the maintenance guy told me that the # 1 clogger of disposals is potato peels . He told me what # 2 was , but I can 't remember - - I think maybe onion peels , but I 'm not sure . In either event , I 'm pretty respectful of the disposal , and try not to put anything too iffy in it . I always peel my potatoes onto a newspaper or plastic bag , then throw them in the compost pile , and even though the kids have done the same , I don 't know if they knew why , but they did , till yesterday . Dan was getting rather grumpy about the whole thing , because the one time episode of peels in the disposal led to a night of plumbing that ended up with us having no kitchen sink or dishwasher to use . He groused about the fact that the kids should know better , till I pointed out to him that it took me till 28 years old to find out that you can 't put potato peels in the disposal and , since Jill is 18 , she 's ten years ahead of the game . He didn 't have a response to that . That reminded me of another kitchen rule that she knows , that maybe not everyone does : don 't put dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher . Now , it might Posted by We had to go get family pictures done last night . Some of you may remember that we had them done last fall , and that they came out rather nicely . Well , our church decided to redo the church directory , as they do every couple of years and Dan , being the frugal soul that he is , didn 't want to pay the $ 10 to have our current family picture inserted , so we had to go and have it done again by the photographer that church hired . Have you ever tried to convince three teenagers that they need to dress up for a family photo , for the second time in less than a year ? Well , let me tell you , it 's not fun . First of all , you have to make sure that everyone is actually going to be around for the picture . Wednesday night was a good bet , because a ) it 's youth group night , so odds are that two of the kids will already be at church and b ) LOST is on , so no one makes plans . This is the logic that I used , however Dan just planned it for a Wednesday by sheer luck . I told him that HE was going to be the one to break it to the kids , which he did , two nights in a row , at the dinner table . I was rather surprised at the lack of response to his announcement , till I realized yesterday afternoon that no one had been listening . Jill called from work . I reminded her about the pictures , and she got a bit testy , saying that she was going to have to rush home from work and take a shower so that she didn 't smell like the barn when she went , and why were we getting the pictures done again anyway ? I tried to use the youth group thing as a rationale , and she even more testily informed me that she didn 't get off work in time to go to youth group , and wasn 't going to be able to go . Oh , and she was " in the mood for a good dinner . " Whatever that means . She ended up hanging up on me when she found out that her father and I had made plans to go out to dinner with friends , thinking that the kids would be at youth group , so her " good dinner " was going to have to be prepared by her . Seth was no problem , except he seemed to be having trouble understanding the EnglishPosted by So my friend Jen , of momspatterns fame , came to visit last month . Dan was going away on the missing trip , so we figured it was time for a little girl time . Jen knows my penchant for disorganization , so she was going to help me with some purging and such . Dan , of course , was sure that I had invited a serial killer to the house because , you see , Jen and I had never actually met . She and I have talked online forever , via email , IM , and in different forums that we frequent , but she lives in Florida , and I live in Indiana , and the twain just had not met yet . Dan doesn 't get the whole online thing yet , and it didn 't help the cause at all when he heard that Jen had met her hubby online . He was relieved to know that he would be home to protect me for the first day or two . Yep , he 's my knight in shining armor , protecting my against Xena - like pattern sellers . So Jen and I talked a time or two on the phone before she came up - - which was , in itself , progress , since we 'd never talked before this either . We were pretty giddy about the whole thing , planning to go through my stash ' o patterns and catalogs and such . You know , it 's not often that you meet a fellow pattern junkie , so this was really something ! Jen asked how she would know me at the airport , because she had only seen a few pics of me in the past . I jokingly said I 'd make her a sign , then enlisted The Brat to do it for me . The Brat , of course , was not feeling her creative juices flowing until literally 15 minutes before I was to leave to pick up Jen , when she suddenly said " didn 't you want me to make you a sign ? " Uh , yeah . . . . . . . . . . . three weeks ago , when I first mentioned it . : : sigh : : We started scrambling for things to put on it , and Jill wrote ( what else ) JEN in big purple letters on the posterboard . We added her website logo to it , some pattern pics , a picture of Sawyer from Lost ( since he 's her man ) , and some other random stuff , and I took off for the airport while the marker was still drying . Indianapolis has a new airport , and I 'd never been to it , so I was a littlPosted by I 've been dashing madly through three states in the past couple of weeks , gathering sewing patterns everywhere I go . Dan , of course , thinks it 's really weird , especially given the fact that he doesn 't like car travel , but I 'm in my element . The patterns I got today contained tons of wonderful styles , including 50s party dresses , 40s sundresses , and everything from playsuits to swimsuits and wedding dresses . But what I found interesting was the kids ' patterns . I don 't usually get a lot of kids stuff , because it 's not a huge market of mine , but these were some seriously cute ones . The one that caught my eye is shown at left . You may wonder why this one ? Well , it 's because it reminds me of my two sisters and me . The dark haired one on the right reminds me of my " big " sister Linda . I say " big " because she 's a few years older than me ( ahem : eight ) but she is quite a bit shorter than me . She does , however , have the dark hair shown here . The lighter haired one on the left reminds me of my " big " sister Amy , who is as vertically challenged as Linda . Being the youngest , I always looked at them as so cool , and such fashion plates - - especially because they wore cool 70s high school stuff , and I not only had no fashion sense , but also was too big to fit into their petite hand me downs , once I got to be about ten years old . Tiny , petite cool hipster sisters . How cool is that ? But look on that pattern envelope at the little tyke in front . That little one looks like she has some serious attitude , so she MUST be me ! She looks like the sisters have probably told her not to do whatever she wanted to do , and in her little head she is saying " oh yeah , man , I 'm GONNA , " while she stomps off with her Barbie . That 'd be me , and I dare my sisters to say I 'm wrong . They won 't . " You gain strength , courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face . You are able to say to yourself , ' I have lived through this horror . I can take the next thing that comes along . ' You must do the thing you think you cannot do . " ~ Eleanor Roosevelt " Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . It is our light , not our darkness that most frightens us . We ask ourselves , Who am I to be brilliant , gorgeous , talented , fabulous ? Actually , who are you not to be ? You are a child of God . Your playing small does not serve the world . There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won 't feel insecure around you . We are all meant to shine , as children do . We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us . It 's not just in some of us ; it 's in everyone . And as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we are liberated from our own fear , our presence automatically liberates others . " = = Marianne Williamson |
It was a warm November Monday , the short week before Thanksgiving , when I met my brother . It was a day that you were glad to live in California , when the morning chill of the foothills was replaced by a warm wind that came up from the valley , across San Jose , and into Regnart Elementary School . In sixth grade , I was master of that school . If you visit Cupertino , you will find it hard to understand why Ranjit was so odd to us that first day . The children of Silicon Valley engineers , managers and entrepreneurs are White , and Chinese , and Indian and Black . Everyone is a minority . In the valley , people are allowed to have friends and to marry outside of their race . It is partially because the valley is open and thoughtful , but mostly because in a town where home prices are now six times the national average , Cupertino 's racial communities are united by wealth and opportunity . That first day , Ranjit 's father wore a charcoal suit , a white shirt , and a brilliant blue turban that matched his tie . White teeth flashed under his long , thick beard and mustache when he smiled . He stood tall and straight and walked like a warrior prince . He shook hands with the principal outside the school office , squeezed Ranjit 's shoulder and left . It was the only time I saw him . Ranjit was there when class started , seated on the opposite side of our room . Newly issued books were piled on his desk . His skin was brown against the rolled up sleeves of his white shirt . Tapping a pencil against blue - jeans , his serious face watched the teacher until lunchtime . Bringing a lunch to school had two benefits , equally important . The first was that we did not have to eat the food prepared by the cafeteria . The second was that we could finish eating in a few minutes and have more time for playground games . On the last of the sixth grade benches , we swallowed our food without chewing , and I held court . My name is Tim Dolan , but here I was Robin Hood and these were my Merry Men . Billy Thorndike , tall , strong , and loud , was my Little John . " Good idea , " Billy said . He stood up and talked to the table where Ranjit sat alone . The independent thought and action on Billy 's part was unusual and I found it unsettling . When the Merry Men followed , I was annoyed and stayed at our table , concentrating on peeling an orange and looking unconcerned . " At my school at Mansa , you would look stupid without one , " he said . The Merry Men laughed again . They were easy to please . As long as someone had been insulted , friend or foe , they found humor in the discomfort of the receiving party . Ranjit looked at him and smiled . Billy took a step forward with a face that said he was going to ' do something ' . Ranjit kept smiling , but his eyes were hard . Billy stopped , looking unsure . " A race , " I said , standing up and walking over . Billy stepped back and took his rightful place , behind me . I hoped he would not speak without my guidance again . " We run sixty yards . If you lose , I get your dessert . If I lose , you get mine . What do you have ? " I walked towards the thin dirt track that ran along the blacktop with Ranjit and the Merry Men . Alan Boland was my Will Scarlet and our crier . He called out to the loungers and slow eaters , still at their tables , and then again to the handball and four - square players . Cathy Arnold looked up from her table where she was surrounded by her ladies - in - waiting . She was my Maid Marian . I hoped to rescue her from the eighth - grade boy who walked her home after school . She stood up and arched her back to better show the good fortune of early development . The flares of my bell - bottomed jeans puffed together like a locomotive steaming down a hill . I was three steps ahead by the time we were halfway through the race . When we finished , Ranjit had gained a little , but the race was over . " Let 's race for three laps . One mile , " said Ranjit . Before I could answer , he drew a new line in the dirt and put a foot on it . I winked at Cathy , grinned at the Merry Men , and stepped to the line . Cathy favored me with a smile and then started us on our second race . A mile seemed like a lot of work for a noon - time contest , but I was not concerned . This was my track and I loved to run . After baseball practice at the junior high , I ran the mile with the eighth - grade boys . Only a few of them beat me . At the end of the first lap , I was well ahead of Ranjit . My brown , shoulder - length hair flowed behind me like a banner . When we passed the pole for the second time , I could hear Ranjit behind me . We pounded past the baseball backstop together and ran for a quarter lap shoulder - to - shoulder . I could hear the Merry Men and Maid Marian 's ladies shouting my name as Ranjit began to pass , but their encouragement and my determination and adrenaline were not enough when he sprinted the last 200 yards . " We 'll see , " I grumbled . Ranjit continued to hold out his hand until it became clear that I would not take it . His face grew serious as he lowered his arm and turned towards the school building . Stepping briskly with his head up , he walked like his father , a young warrior prince . The Merry Men knew that they shared in my humiliation . They were sullen , but unsure where to direct their anger . Fat and friendly Frank Kerchner , my Friar Tuck , found an outlet . " That bun on his head didn 't slow him down . He must store energy in it , " said Frank . I laughed with the rest of the Merry Men . " I 'll beat him next time , " I said as the bell rang . As we walked back to class , I thought about Ranjit 's hand , the one I refused to take . I was glad that my parents had not been watching . Worse than a loser , I was a bad sport . Why did he have to offer me his hand ? It was bad enough that he had won . Did he have to humiliate me by being chivalrous too ? He did not speak to me the rest of that day or the Tuesday or Wednesday that followed . I watched him as he listened to the teacher and talked to some of my classmates . Worse than ignoring me , he did not seem to care that I was there . With the teacher 's permission , Cathy moved to a desk across from Ranjit so she could help him adjust to our class . I tried to talk to her at lunch , but she had no use for me . My shame made the classroom seem small and airless . When I looked at Ranjit or at Cathy , I was no longer Robin Hood . I was the scruffy leader of a gang of forest bullies . Thanksgiving at my grandmother 's house provided some relief and I hoped that things would feel normal when I returned to school on Monday . I ate until my stomach hurt on Thursday . On Friday , my father and I hiked the foothills of the Santa Cruz Mountains with Tricket , my Boston terrier . Saturday I played basketball in the park with Billy , Frank , and Alan . Sunday afternoon , after Mass and a lunch of left - over turkey , Dad and I lay on the floor of our living room playing chess . When the telephone rang , Mom picked it up in the kitchen . Something about the tone of her muffled voice made us stop and listen . Dad 's quick and worried look told me to wait as he walked into the kitchen . I heard low voices before the car drove away . Dad returned to the game . " Something 's happened , Tim . Mom needs to go and talk to someone . To help them . It 's not anything you need to worry about . Let 's finish our game . " Several hours later the telephone rang again . Dad took the call behind the closed door of my parent 's bedroom . I heard Mom 's voice as I hung up the kitchen phone . After thirty minutes , Dad called me into the bedroom . " His father was hit by a drunk driver last night . He died this morning . It 's really terrible . Ranjit and his father moved to Cupertino just a little over a week ago . Do you know him very well ? " " His mother died in India when he was three or four . Now he 's lost his father . " He pushed his long brown and grey hair back and then held his neck with both hands . " Tim , your Mom is over at the Cupertino Police Station . The police brought Ranjit there . Uncle Jack called her because Ranjit doesn 't have any close family here in the U . S . He 'll probably have to go back to India , but it may take a while to sort out . Mom and I are going to let Ranjit stay here for a few days . " " I assume he would sleep in one of your bunks . Tim , sharing your room with Ranjit is a pretty small sacrifice compared what he 's going through . Is there some reason why he shouldn 't stay with us ? " My father looked at me strangely , trying to understand my reluctance . " Mom will be back with Ranjit in a few minutes , " he said . " Let 's try to get your room ready before they get here . " Dad and I put clean sheets on my bottom bunk and picked up clothes , Hot Wheels cars and track , a half - finished Monopoly game , and various other valuables that littered the floor of my room . I imagined Ranjit here in my room , sleeping in my bed , using my things . Did he take that strange thing off his head at night ? What was underneath ? What other weird clothes or habits did he have ? Would he tell my parents how we treated him on his first day at school ? " Hello , Ranjit , " Dad said . " Please treat this as your own home while you stay with us . We 're very sorry about your father . " " He 's with my mother now . They are one with God , " said Ranjit . It was eerie to hear his voice , so clear and free of emotion . I looked at Mom . Her eyes were red and full , ready to cry . She quickly wiped them and said , " Tim , why don 't you show Ranjit your room and let him put his bag away . " We walked into my bedroom and he put his bag at the foot of my bed . Lying down on the bottom bunk , he folded his arms on his chest and stared at the top bunk . I stood at the door , not knowing what to do or say . Finally , he closed his eyes . I shut the door and left him , joining my parents at the kitchen table . " Ranjit is probably in shock right now , " Mom said . " Uncle Jack said that he hasn 't cried at all since his father passed away . It would be better if he had some family in the area or some close friends , but he says there is no one . He knows a few people at the San Jose Sikh Gurdwara - that 's his temple - but it doesn 't sound like they are good friends . I 'll call the Gurdwara tomorrow and see if there is anything else we can do for Ranjit . " I avoided my room for the rest of the evening and Ranjit did not come out until Mom called him to dinner . He sat with us , but ate very little and spoke less . Mom looked at him the way she did me when I was sick or hurt . It made me feel strange . I wanted to be noble and kind , like my parents , like Robin Hood , but my emotions were as clogged as the rain gutters we cleaned in October . After dinner , Ranjit showered and went to bed . I followed an hour later . His long , black hair , still damp from washing , spread over the pillow as he slept in my bottom bunk . There was no sign of the dastaar that had covered his head . I wanted to wake him and tell him I was sorry about his father , to tell him I was sorry about everything . Instead , I climbed into my bunk and listened to him breathe . " You don 't need to go to school today , Ranjit , " she said . " You can stay home and watch television or read . Take it easy until your aunt comes . " My mother paused . " Okay , you and Tim can walk together . I 'm going to send a note for Mrs . Gunderson . If you don 't want to stay in class , she 'll call me and you can come back here . " The cold morning wind blew dead leaves and twigs across the road as we walked to school . We passed a deer that had come down out of the foothills to eat a neighbor 's flowers and had been killed by a car . Ranjit looked straight ahead and I looked at the ground as we walked . Finally , the silence was too oppressing . " I don 't mean my parents . My friends weren 't very nice your first day at school . I 'm sorry about that , " I said . We arrived at school without speaking again . Mrs . Gunderson read the note from my mother . She glanced at me and then at Ranjit and told him to let her know if he needed anything . The push seemed reasonable for a member of my gang that was out of line , but Billy did not see it that way . He pushed me back and I hit the ground . I jumped up and swung my fist as hard as I could , hitting Billy in the jaw . It was a mistake . He looked dazed for a moment and then he hit me three times , once in the nose , once in the right eye , and once just below the ribs . His last punch , delivered with all of the skill and power he learned from his father , send me to the ground holding my midsection . Mom picked me up early from school that day , not Ranjit . I was waiting in the principal 's office with blood on my shirt and a swollen eye . When Mom brought Ranjit home he came into my room and sat on the edge of the lower bunk while I rolled Hot Wheels cars down a track , one after another . The next day at school , Billy seemed genuinely sorry to have caused so much damage so quickly . I forgave him and he was again my right hand . We walked around the playground arm - in - arm , telling and retelling the story of our fight . For a moment , we were Robin Hood and Little John again . We had fought with quarterstaffs on the bridge and he had won , but I had won his respect through archery . But I could not remain Robin Hood while Ranjit sat alone at lunch . No one made comments about him or his hair or his father , but he was not included in games or conversation . Losing his father made him more alien and I could not find the courage to approach him in front of my friends . " My name is Granthi Bhagat Singh , the custodian of the San Jose Gurdwara on Quimbly road . We spoke on the telephone Monday . May I come in and speak to Ranjit ? " Mom showed him to my room where Ranjit sat alone with his schoolwork . They spoke for about an hour and then Bhagat Singh joined Mom , Dad and me in the living room . " Ranjit 's loss is very deep . It will take time to heal . I was surprised when he told me that he is still going to school , " he said . " It 's good of you to share your home with him during this time . I told him that there are Sikh families he could stay with , but he seems to prefer to stay here . I understand that his aunt will arrive tomorrow . " On Saturday , Dad took Ranjit and me hiking on the trail from the winery . The forest was wet and dark under a cloudy sky . We crushed bay leaves and smelled them and then filled the paper bags from our lunches to bring home the scent of the forest . We went to Mass Sunday morning . Dad offered to stay home with Ranjit , but he wanted to go with us . He sat quietly , with his dastaar and his brown , handsome face , watching and listening to a homily on the duty of Christians to bring others to the faith . Later , when we were alone , I asked my father if we should try to teach Ranjit about Jesus . " Maybe there 's more than one way into heaven , " he said . " We 've brought Ranjit to Mass because he 's curious . If it is right for him , he 'll become a Catholic . In the meantime , we are going to visit his temple this afternoon . Who knows ? Maybe you 'll want to become a Sikh . " I waited for him to laugh , but he only smiled a little . That afternoon , at the San Jose Gurdwara , Mom brought several cans of food for the Langar , the free kitchen . We took off our shoes and covered our heads before entering the temple . Mom knelt on the left and Dad and I knelt on the right . Ranjit approached the Guru Granth Sahib , their holy book , and knelt down , touching his head to the floor . He sat on his heels , alone , without moving . The only sound was a cough from another worshiper and a dim hum from the city that drifted through the door . After a few minutes , we moved outside to wait . When Ranjit came out , he smiled for the first time I could remember since he started school . It made him seem less strange and for a moment , I liked him a bit . Together in the backseat of the car , I wanted to ask him questions about the temple , but he stared out the window , quiet and unapproachable . The next week at school was tedious . The holiday break was approaching and it was difficult to stay focused . Ranjit 's aunt had still not arrived . Dad wrote a letter to U . S . Immigration . On Friday , we bought a Christmas tree . After it was decorated , Dad read " The Gift of the Magi " to Ranjit and me . When he was done , Dad asked him if he liked the story . On Saturday , we picnicked at Steven 's Creek Park . We ate and skipped rocks over the water . Tricket dashed back and forth along the edge of the reservoir , barking at our stones , but afraid to venture into the cold water . Finally tired and panting , he went back to sit by the car . Ranjit and I counted skips and found smooth , flat stones for each other . As the light began to fade , we packed up the car to head home . I stood by the car and called Tricket . When he didn 't come , I searched the area , calling him over and over . Dad , Mom and Ranjit joined me . It grew dark and cold , but we could not find Tricket . When it started to drizzle , Dad called us back to the car . " I shouldn 't have been skipping stones with you ! " I shouted . " I should have been playing with Tricket ! " Ranjit walked away as I started to cry . Mom and Dad stood with me for a few minutes and then opened the door to the car . I got in . We knew the second time Dad called that Ranjit was gone . Mom and I waited in the car while Dad searched for him with a flashlight in the dark . He was not in the area . Dad called his name , knowing that a person who does not want to be found , won 't answer . After an hour , Dad got into the car , dripping from the light , steady rain . In a small way , I understood Ranjit a little better that night . I cried when Tricket was lost , but not when Ranjit disappeared . It was too serious and I was too shaken for tears . I knew he left because of me . It was my fault that he was alone in the forest , wet and cold . I wanted to cry , but like Ranjit , I was too shocked . The rising sun was shining into my room through a cloudless sky the next morning . I looked up to see why my bed felt damp and there was Tricket , curled up and asleep at the foot of my bed . Ranjit sat in a chair watching me . " I think so . Dad is with the police . Where did you find him ? " I said gently scratching Tricket 's head . He woke up and licked my fingers . " He was on the trail behind the reservoir , " he said . " He must have chased a squirrel or something and got turned around so he just headed towards home . I got lost trying to find my way back to the car so we found a dry spot under a fallen tree . We waited for the rain to stop and then I just followed Tricket over the hills and back into town . He led me all the way home . " " It was wrong to make people search in the rain , " he said . " I tried to tell myself that no one would follow me , that no one cared , but I knew it wasn 't true . I went to look for Tricket because I couldn 't stand the idea of you losing someone the way I have , even if it was only a dog . " He looked at the floor and I could see tears on his face . I got out of bed and stood next to him with my hand on his shoulder . He put his hands over his face and began to cry . They were deep , satisfying sobs that were drawn from a well of heartache . I understood him now and knew that he was not just scared and tired . Ranjit was the bravest person I knew . I left him to go and wake Mom when he was quiet . She called the police to let them know that Ranjit was home . When we returned to my room , he was asleep . The following Tuesday , a few days before Christmas , Ranjit 's aunt arrived . She was a tall , striking young woman wearing a salwar kameez ; white pantaloons covered a knee - length white blouse with intricate embroidery at the bottom , on the sleeves , and around her long neck . She draped a white cloth , a dupatta , over her head . She was gracious and grateful that we had provided Ranjit with a place to stay . We said good - bye and exchanged addresses so we could write to each other . Mom cried a little , and hugged Ranjit , embarrassing him in front of his aunt . Ranjit and I shook hands and then looked at each other and laughed . After they drove away , I went to my room and sat alone , thinking of the fun Ranjit and I had together over the last few days . On the morning of Christmas Eve , I walked to school and ran a mile on the track . I had run each day since Ranjit left . When I returned home , Ranjit 's aunt was in our living room . She was rising to leave as I walked into the room . When she was gone , we sat down in the living room together . That afternoon , we found a poster of Guru Hargobind , the sixth of the ten Sikh masters . The warrior - priest is shown on horseback , sword in hand , rescuing the Emperor Jehangir from a tiger . I bought the poster and put it on the wall of our room . In the evening , Ranjit arrived with his aunt . This time , he had all of his clothes , neatly packed in several suitcases . A dresser and some other things would arrive later from the apartment he shared with his father . We invited his aunt to stay , but she had a cab waiting to take her to the airport . She embraced Ranjit and then my mother . We attended Mass at Midnight that night , but Christmas morning Ranjit and I were awake at dawn . Four red felt stockings hung over the fireplace . I let Ranjit choose one of my gifts and open it . Later , we set up track so he could race his three new Hot Wheels cars . In the days that followed , Ranjit and I ran together on the track at school . Sometimes we would run our one mile race . He usually won , but I beat him occasionally . When school started again , I asked the teacher to move me to a desk behind Cathy who still sat next to Ranjit . My friends accepted Ranjit because I am their leader , I am Robin Hood . They needed someone to set an example of tolerance and understanding and they were willing to follow . When we reached High School , my parents adopted Ranjit , but it did not matter to us . He was already my brother . He lives in San Jose , near our parents , with his wife Cathy and their three children . I live in Boston with my family , but each Christmas Eve we attend Mass together and on Christmas Day we go to the Sikh temple . I am still Robin Hood , but Ranjit is my Richard , the Lion - Hearted . |
Or , rather what would have been posted yesterday had it not been for the news of my cousin 's untimely death . Man , I should have stuck it out and finished the game ! Dallas vs . Carolina , that is . It was 21 - 14 Dallas with 5 minutes left to play when I went to bed . A few minutes later , I hear Cody tapping at my door . " Mom , Dallas won 35 - 14 . " They scored two touchdowns in the last five minutes of the game , one of them on a pass interception . And I missed it ! Cody got kind of mad at me this morning . I always tell him when he gets in the shower , " get in , wash , and get out , " but he never does . He stays in there until I yell at him to get out . I told him one day last week that I was going to just leave him in there and see how long it took him to get out . I might even leave for work with him in the the shower . Today , I did just that . He got himself out just before I left for work . He was fussing at me for not telling him it was time to get out , using the excuse , " I don 't have a clock in the bathroom ! " I told him he didn 't need a clock . If he just got in , washed , and got out , it wouldn 't take that long . The washing machine repairman didn 't show up again today . I 'm going to have to call them back and see what 's up . That was about all I had planned to post . Just for the record , Cody got out of the shower much quicker this morning . Now on to today 's news . It is Halloween , but we don 't do much for Halloween around here . Cody is adamant that we not celebrate it . He says , " It is a holiday born of pagan devil worship . " Well , we don 't do things that glorify death , like ghouls , zombies , and morbid things like that , but I still like having pumpkins , kitties , and things like that around . We didn 't carve a pumpkin this year , but I still put out my fake , light up pumpkin : And we watched It 's The Great Pumpkin , Charlie Brown . One is never too old for those great holiday classics . In Cody 's social studies class , they were discussing the origins of Halloween , and they began discussing some more modern customs and such , and things that are goodPosted by B just called me and told me that my oldest first cousin , Tommy Gene Tomkins died this morning . He 'd been having trouble with his liver , and was in the hospital for tests . His sister Marsha stayed with him last night , and about 3 : 00AM she called their other sister Kathy and told her he was really going downhill fast . They got my aunt , then called in the rest of the family . He was awake and alert and lucid up until the end . About 9 something this morning all his systems suddenly shut down and he died . It happened so fast , we are all still in shock . I called my older brother and we both were going umm , err , and oh my goodness . It 's one of those things we just don 't want to believe . I hadn 't seen him in years , but I 'll still miss him . I hadn 't seen him in years , but I knew he was out there somewhere . I 'll miss him tremendously because I 'll know he 's not there any more . He was several years older than me , but he was still my generation . He was the first . * * when I just can 't think of anything to blog about . Cody says I should blog about the game , so ok : We are watching Dallas vs . Carolina . The score is 14 - 10 Carolina in the 4th quarter . I doubt I make it to the end of the game . I 'm ready for bed now . I haven 't watched football in a long time , but this year , I 'm getting back into it . I don 't really know why . Even if I 'm not sitting and watching the game , I like hearing the sounds in the background . It really makes it seem like fall around here now . He said to blog about the new house . Ok , so we moved the sofa and two end tables into the new house this afternoon . Cody is glad that he doesn 't have to sit on the floor . I eventually want to get the sofa reupholstered , but right now I can 't afford it . My brand new washing machine no longer works . I put in for a service call , since it is still very much under warranty . The guy was supposed to come out Saturday and fix it , but never showed up . My guess is he 'll show up tomorrow and be upset when no one is here . I 'm not going to take a whole day off work - - and miss a whole day 's pay - - when I 'm not even sure if he 's coming . I offered to let Cody stay home from school , but he doesn 't want to ruin his perfect attendance . So I left a house key with B and a note on the door telling the guy , if he shows up , to go next door to be let in . Cody also said to blog about the dog . I don 't know what to tell you about her . Except that she has this habit of sleeping with one paw over her eyes . She 's done that since she was a puppy . It really is quite cute . Five of my seven snakes are sheddy , only Onyx shed today . That makes four that are still due to shed soon . Dallas just scored , and now leads Carolina 21 - 14 with 9 something left in the 4th quarter . Still , it 's not the Cowboys of Roger Staubach and Tom Landry . . . Posted by Ok , I know what some of you are thinking . You 're thinking , " If that tooth is bothering her so much , why doesn 't she just get it fixed ? " Well , I intend to . Unfortunately , the earliest my dentist can get me in without me having to take time off work is November 8 . I am counting down the days , I can assure you of that . In the meantime , I 'm trying whatever I can to make this bearable until then . I finished another Lonesome Skein project . It 's the hat on the left . The other one I 'd posted before , but since I added pom - poms to both , I thought I 'd take a picture of both . I 'm still working on the lacy scarf , but sometimes I just need something mindless to knit . I 've heard through the grapevine that the people who were looking at my old house have decided not to get it after all . Nice of them to let me know , don 't ya think ? And finally , * * * 1 . I think I might be mildly allergic to aspirin . I took some this morning for my toothache pain and experienced the same symptoms I have when I eat eggs or get stung by red wasps . They weren 't as intense , but enough to keep me from taking aspirin again . 2 . The reason the Orajel hadn 't been working on my toothache is because the break which exposes the nerve is below my gum line . If I put some Orajel on my toothbrush and scrub it down in there really well , it does work - - as well as Orajel can work , that is . 3 . I may be allergic to , of all things , dental wax . You know , I 'd heard that you can be allergic to anything , but there are some things you just don 't think about having allergies to . I 'd read on a website that you can put dental wax on the sharp edge of a broken tooth to keep it from rubbing your tongue raw . I decided to try it . About the third time I put it on my tooth , within oh , say 30 minutes , my tongue , gums , and cheek next to my broken tooth were absolutely on fire . Not to mention I just felt sick , weak , and I was wondering how I was going to last through the day . I pulled the dental wax off my tooth , and immediately began feeling better . It took a while for the soreness in my cheek and tongue to go away , but the weakness and wooziness passed almost immediately . Of all things . . . Well , that brings my list of strongly suspected allergies to : eggsorangesred waspshoneybeesaspirindental waxFortunately , I 'm not ( so far ) anaphylactic to any of them . But with allergies , you never know . I 'm going to take a Benadryl tonight before going to bed to try to clean any residual effects out of my system . And I 'm going to throw the dental wax in the garbage . Tom is currently the oldest member of our dojo . He started training about 2 years ago at the age of 53 . It was his son Nathan 's idea , really . Nathan was 25 , and wanted to do karate . He talked Tom into starting as well , as a father - son bonding sort of thing . After the first two months , Nate 's attendance became sporadic , only showing up about once a month . Tom eventually quit paying for Nathan , telling sensei " I 'll just pay if he shows up . " Nathan finally moved out of town and quit for good . He never made it past yellow belt . I figured Tom would quit when Nathan quit coming , but he didn 't . He still shows up faithfully and is now a purple belt - - yon kyu . Tom is not the most co - ordinated student , nor the most flexible , but he works very hard at what he does . He has really improved over the last two years . Tom is a professional musician who plays the saxophone . One day he brought his sax to class , and played a bit for us - - at my request . I was learning Chinto at the time , and got a good workout to his music . Tom also rides a motorcycle . Not a Harley , but he looks like a bad daddy driving up on it anyway . Tom is very laid back in everything he does . He has the most unique accent . He talks real slow , even for here in the South , with an inflection that is absolutely impossible to describe . I 'd never heard anyone else that talks quite like Tom . He came to my black belt test , and brought his wife with him . He introduced me to her , and when she opened her mouth and spoke to me , I nearly fell on the floor . She talks just like Tom . No wonder they got married . They were made for each other . Tom is cool . * * * This is the 6th grade beginner band doing their scale patterns . Cody said it 's not fair because they got a whole month to practice before band night . When he was in 6th grade , they only got 9 days . That is the high school drum line helping them out . Again , I apologize for the shakiness . It was rather chilly out there that night . Last night was band night at the school . All the bands performed , from the 6th grade beginner band , through the high school band . I 've uploaded a video of Cody 's 7th grade band performing a song called Wully Bully . Sorry about the quality . I didn 't realize that with that particular camera , you can 't zoom after you 've started recording . Cody plays a souzaphone . * * * All this snake talk I guess . I had a really weird dream the other night . I dreamed about Steve Irwin , The Crocodile Hunter . Actually , the dream started out with Terri , Bindi , and Bob and I in what was supposed to be my house . It wasn 't , but you know how dreams are . Terri was holding Bob , and I was fixing Bindi 's hair . I was making her " glamorous like a movie star . " Which is really weird because I haven 't the faintest idea how to fix hair . I don 't even hardly do mine . In the dream , she had just gotten a puppy , and the puppy had died . I was trying to make her feel better by doing girl stuff with her . Which is really weird as well , because anyone who knows me knows I am not a girly girl . I 'm about as tomboy as they come . Bindi doesn 't strike me as being really girly either . Thus in the dream , I pretty much made her hair look like a rat 's nest . But since she has straight hair , it just fell out . I remember thinking , " poor kid , to lose her dog and her daddy so close together . " About the time I finished my thought , in walked Steve - o , alive and well , and larger than life . Ok , probably life sized but he seemed pretty big to me . He wanted to see my snakes , and he took my hand ( and Terri let me live ) and led me out onto my screened in porch ( which I only wish I had ) where my snakes were kept . He wanted to see Onyx , only Onnie was a hatchling again and was in the same tank with Monty , who was also a hatchling - - a definite no - no . Terri , with Bob in her lap and Bindi beside her , sat in my rocking chair and listened to Steve and I talking about the snakes . I woke up then , and when I went back to sleep , I dreamed that Cody and I were going to a football game . We got into the gate and Cody had a cooler of ice on a dolly that he was pulling along . I don 't know why because it was freezing out there . When we got inside the stadium , he decided to take the cooler back out to the car because it would be too hard to get the dolly up and down the steps of the stadium , so I sat down beside Clint Kinard ( a neighbor ) to wait for him . He came backPosted by In response to Perpetual Beginner 's request , I am providing some basic information on keeping snakes . This is directed toward the novice snake keeper in general , not specifically to you Cindy , so when I talk about being responsible , don 't take it personally . In recent years , keeping exotic animals , such as snakes , as pets has become more and more common . What was once considered an oddity is now becoming mainstream . Unfortunately for the snake , however , many people buy them on impulse and don 't have a clue as to how to take care of one . Taking on a snake as a pet is no different from taking a dog , cat , or horse for a pet . It is a responsibility that will last the life of the snake . They are not " throwaway " pets that you can just flush or release when you get tired of them . They are living creatures with needs , and deserve the best care you can give them . Remember , if you are a parent of a young child who wants a snake as a pet , you will be ultimately responsible for the care of that animal . The first thing I would suggest anyone considering a snake as a pet do is to research your state and local laws to find out what kinds of snakes , if any , are legal to keep as pets . This includes determining if the snake you are considering is a protected species . There is nothing quite so heart wrenching than to find out your chosen species is illegal to keep in your area . Unless , of course , it is having Animal Control show up at your door and fine you thousands of dollars and confiscate your pet . Your state Fish and Wildlife department or the reference desk at your local library should be able to help you determine the laws applicable to snake keeping in your area . The next step is to begin researching which species of snake are available in the pet trade . There are hundreds of them , some more suitable as pets than others . There are two types of snakes available for purchase that are not suitable for the novice herper ( slang for snake keeper ) under any circumstances , no way , no how , never never never . These are venomous snakes , Posted by And my first Lonesome Skein KAL project . I 've started another one just like it with the remaining yarn . I 'm still working on the scarf I started , but I wanted to have something to post to the group before the project ends . I had a rather productive day today . I managed to box up 4 boxes of yard sale stuff , and also move some more stuff to the new house . I 've got nearly everything I want to keep moved over , but I 've begun to just stuff it into corners and odd places until I can get more cabinets and stuff . I said I wasn 't going to do that , but I 'm ready to be done with it . Those people came back to look at the house again . They let me know when they got there , but left without saying anything . I don 't know what they thought or what . Still , I got the master bedroom and bathroom cleaned out - - but not cleaned up . I 'll have to tote some soap and water over and clean really well . I 'll also need to string some extension cords over to vacuum . Thursday night after class , sensei called one of the students over and said , " I need to apologize to you . " The student asked what he needed to apologize for , and sensei responded , " For that drubbing Ole Miss is going to get this weekend ! " And sure enough , Arkansas ran over them 38 - 3 . Then we watched Notre Dame pull out a squeaker against UCLA . Cody asked me why I was watching so much football , and I replied that it was just a football kind of day . I 'd forgotten how much I missed watching it . Finally , in case you didn 't know : FYI We are almost finished with Cody 's room . Well , except for decorating and stuff . I 'm not very good at that , and right now it isn 't a priority anyway . But for the most part , it 's done . Here are a few pictures : His bed , with the headboard he put together himself . He 's quite proud of that . Note the small white cabinet beside it . It is actually a toy stove that my grandfather made for me when I was about 3 or 4 . His computer and bookcase . Most of the books in here are actually mine . Until I can get myself some bookcases , this is where they 'll reside . That is his snake tank on top . We are going to move Monty into the snake room for the winter months so I can better keep him warm . I got a small oil filled heater to put in there so the temps don 't drop too much at night . Cody 's reading spot . He came up with this idea himself . I want to put a small pedestal table or side table beside the chair , and find a better place to store the bow . Notice all the karate trophies on the bookshelf . And note that about two of those shelves of books are mine as well . I really need some bookshelves ! I 'm a bit irked at my dentist right now . Last week , as you may remember , I went for my semi annual cleaning and checkup . He found two cavities , and wants to fill them before doing anything about my wisdom tooth . I 'm sure he has his reasons - - he 's the one who went to dental school after all - - but it 's the wisdom tooth that hurts ! Those teensy little cavities don 't hurt a bit . The wisdom tooth is moving again . It feels like it has gotten kind of under the molar next to is and is slowly pushing the molar out of my gum . It has already sheared off one side of the tooth , and it feels like some more is breaking off . Saturday when we went to the zoo , we got some Dippin Dots ice cream . One little dot got onto the broken section of my tooth , and let me tell you , I came off that bench I was sitting on . Yeah , my dentist is not exactly my favorite person right now . When that happened , we were watching the elephant trainers show off some of the elephant 's tricks . As the trainer explained , the elephants are not forced to do any of these tricks . They can walk away at any time and the trainers let them . The things they teach the elephants to do are mainly so they can check them and monitor their health . It was still interesting to watch . on my old house . B called me out of the blue this afternoon and asked me how much I was wanting for my old house . She said her friend C knew some people who might want it . I told her , and said they were welcome to come look it at , just excuse the mess . I was thinking I would have a couple of days to get things a little more straightened up , but B said , " Let me call C back . " Then I left to take Cody to his hair cutting appointment , and B called me at the beauty shop ( don 't tell Cody I take him to a beauty shop ; he thinks it 's a hair center ) and said , " They want to come look at it now . " Totally freaked me out because it is still a mess . We drove home and I threw a bunch of stuff in to the back of my truck and moved it over to the new house , but it was still a mess when they got here . I apologized to them for that , and told them they 'd caught me off guard , but they didn 't seem to mind the mess . The young lady who will be living in the house seemed really excited about it , even seeing all the work that will need to be done to it . The mom seemed less sure . She perked up a bit when I dropped the price a few hundred dollars . But my initial asking price was inflated by those few hundred dollars . . . They are going to bring the dad / husband out tomorrow to look at it . I hope they take it , even though that means I 'll be scrambling to get my old junk out of it . I actually enjoyed karate class last night . After we bowed in , I went to the back of the dojo and started working out with the class . Well , doing what they were doing . First we did basics , then slow motion kata up through Wansu . After that , we did some sparring drills . James and I were working together , when he punched me right in the chest . He wouldn 't do anything else after that , so I did the rest of my empty hand kata in slow motion . I guess he felt pretty bad about hitting me . It was a pretty good thump . He kept saying he didn 't even hit me hard . I was trying to explain that that is the beauty of a correctly executed Isshinryu punch . You don 't have to " hit hard " for Posted by Here 's a couple of pictures from the zoo trip . Harbor Seal fascinated by the blue tag on his back flipper . Tot fascinated by the Red Tail Boa . Cody fascinated by the polar bears . P . S . Cindy , I haven 't forgotten your request for snake keeping info . I 'll get to it soon . I promise . Band ShoesCamouflage SweatshirtTexas Longhorns Cap MoneySky High on DVDA Series of Unfortunate Events Book the Thirteenth , The EndCamouflage CakeCody with the cake . I always forget to buy candles . . . For my first Lonesome Skein project , I 've decided to do this scarf . I don 't have any lace weight yarn , so I 'm doing it out of fingering weight and using larger needles . It isn 't quite a lonesome skein , because it had a half skein companion . There is no yardage on the label , but it is about 1 . 5 oz of yarn . It 's my first attempt at knitting lace , and I 'm anxious to see how it turns out . I lied to you yesterday when I said I had to wait until I got out of the hospital to take pictures of Cody . I found these three today : This is his first picture , as he lay in the nursery with all those monitors and things hooked up to him . The cast looking thing on his hand was where they had the IV hooked up . This picture was taken October 17th . And here he is later on , awake and fussing . They had taken the monitors and stuff off so I could feed him . I still wasn 't able to have him in my room with me , so I had to go down to the nursery to feed and visit him . Finally , they took him off all that stuff and moved him to the regular nursery . He had pulled his IV out by this time , and they were unable to re - insert it , so he had to have shots every three or so hours . Poor baby . . . But the good news is that I could finally take him down to my room with me . I finally took the plunge and joined my first knit - a - long . It is the Lonesome Skein KAL . The object is to use up some of the single skeins of yarn we all have in our stashes . It is only 3 months long , but I hope they extend it . As slow as I knit , I likely won 't get anything completed . The only rule is that the pattern has to call for 250 yards or less of yarn . I found one I really like in a magazine , but it calls for 253 yards of yarn . I figure if I leave off the fringe , it will fall within the requirements . The first thing I did was to dig out all my yarn and separate the single skeins or partial skeins . As you can see , I 've got quite a few , including one already crocheted into a partial baby afghan . I bought that one off e - bay because I only needed about 10 yards of that yarn to finish a baby afghan of my own . The seller offered to frog it and rewind it into balls for me , but I told her it wasn 't necessary . About half of these were sent to me by my mother when she cleaned out her stash . Some of this yarn belonged to my grandmother , who died when I was 14 . I 'd better get started if I want to get anything finished in the three months time . at 12 : 33 AM on October 14 , 1993 , Cody Matthew Anglea came into this world . He weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz , and was 21 inches long . His birth was not without incident , either . The first thing I thought when I saw him was , " That big thing came out of me ? ? ? ? " The second thing was , " He 's blue ! " And he was . Bright blue . Though they never told me so , I believe he had begun to go into distress . It took the doctor a long time to get him to breathing , and when the doctor is saying , " Come on little guy " with an edge of urgency in his voice , it doesn 't comfort a new mother 's heart . They finally got him to breathing well , but he had an elevated temperature . Remember that I had been running a 102 + fever the whole time I was in labor . Though Cody 's temperature dropped to a steady 98 . 6 within a couple of hours , mine stayed high for several days . Initial blood tests revealed that my white count was high , and based on that , the pediatrician decided to run a full course of antibiotics on Cody just to be on the safe side . Because of this , we battled yeast infections for the next 6 months . Hint for new moms : don 't ever stay in the nursery while the doctor is trying to put an IV into your child 's head . You won 't like it . Finally , after a week in the hospital , the doctor decided Cody was ready to come home . It was at this time that I finally was able to take pictures of him . Unfortunately , I haven 't moved my photo albums from the old house , so I can 't show you a baby pic . But this is what he looks like today : Before my ex left , I told him to call me as soon as he got back to the States , and leave me a phone number where I could contact him when the baby was born . He left on Wednesday , and I knew he wouldn 't be back to work until the following Monday . He didn 't call . I thought he was waiting until Monday so he could call from the office he worked in and wouldn 't have to pay for the call . By Tuesday evening , he still hadn 't called , so I called his work number and was informed that he hadn 't worked there in several weeks . I asked the Sargent whoPosted by today a lot happened in my life . I was stationed in Naples , Italy in the Navy there . I was married and pregnant . At 6 : 00 AM , or thereabouts , my husband walked out of the door of the barracks where I was living and boarded a bus that would take him to the airport in Rome . I never saw him again . I thought he had come over to be with me for the birth of our son , but in reality he had come to tell me he 'd decided he didn 't like married life and wanted a divorce . I asked him how did he know . You see , we had never lived together as man and wife . Six weeks before we were to be married , he was transferred back Stateside . I wanted to postpone the wedding until we could be stationed together , but he told me that this was only TAD ( Temporary Added Duty ) . He would be back in 8 to 12 weeks , then we would be together forever . I decided that if that was all he was going to be gone , there was no need to postpone our wedding . So we proceeded with our plans . We were married on March 6 , 1993 in my hometown . Two weeks later , I returned to Italy with the expectation that he would follow in about a month . I kept asking him when he was going to return to Naples , and he kept putting me off . " It 'll be a few more weeks . " This came up , or that came up , and there were delays in getting his orders , etc , etc . Sometime in July , his tune changed . He became abrupt with me . Even angry sounding . " That was a permanent transfer . You knew that . I told you that when I first got the orders ! " Then he began urging me to get a hardship transfer , so that I could return to the States . I guess he thought I could get one simply because I was pregnant . About two weeks after he had transferred that January , I started suspecting that I was pregnant . A home test , followed by a doctor visit , confirmed it . But no , the Navy doesn 't give hardship transfers simply because you are expecting a baby . Or they didn 't back then . Things may have changed since I was in . Ironically enough , he was the one who wanted to hurry up and get me pregnant . It was all he talked about for the loPosted by how sensei does it . I had to go in and teach the kid 's classes tonight because sensei wasn 't going to be there . Let me tell you , teaching is not my gift . I am exhausted ! I don 't see how sensei teaches four classes , and after working all night at his regular job , too . When Mr . Tedder came in to teach the adult classes , James and I left . He was teaching the adult class and said we didn 't need to hang around . I was going to go over kata after class , but I was too tired so I just came home . And the hardest part about teaching with James is making James behave . I spent more time calling him down than all of the kids put together . I 'm going to have to have a talk with sensei about him . I 'd sooner teach by myself than to have to deal with a 16 year old jr . black belt who acts like a 6 year old white belt . Sheesh . My train - - this is the same train B wore on her wedding dress . It is kind of hard to see in this picture , bu tthe little designs are all made up of tiny pearls hand sewn by my grandmother . Posted by I work in a no - brainer job , so I have a lot of time to think of stuff . Some of the stuff I think of can be pretty far out there , too . Of course , since I 'm working with an acetylene torch , I do have to pay some attention to my work , or disastrous things may occur . But I digress . . . Today , of all things , I was thinking about weddings . Actually , I started thinking about musicals , which made me remember a wedding between a former pastor 's son and his bride . I didn 't go , but B did and brought me back a program . Both the bride and the groom were music majors , and there were 11 songs in their wedding . Eleven ! Songs ! Let 's see , the bride sang a song to the groom , the groom sang a song to the bride , the happy couple sang a song together , the best man sang a song to the happy couple , the maid of honor sang a song to the happy couple , the best man and maid of honor sang a song to the happy couple together . . . When you consider the average song is 3 1 / 2 minutes long , you 're looking at 45 minutes just of music . That 's not a wedding . That 's a stage show . Maybe that 's why they had programs . I have never been to a wedding that had programs . I didn 't have programs at my wedding . Since I paid for the entire thing myself ( note I said " myself " - - not " my husband and I " - - I even had to buy my own ring , or I wouldn 't have gotten one ) I went with the bare basics . Dr . Phil says the average cost of a wedding these days is $ 25 , 000 . Mine didn 't cost nearly that much . I overheard a co - worker several years ago saying that her parents spent $ 1500 just on flowers . That 's about what I paid for my entire wedding . Including my dress . My cousin Judy made my dress , so I only had to pay for materials - - about $ 300 worth . But it was a beautiful dress . My album is still in the old house , but maybe tomorrow I 'll go dig it out and post a picture . Anyway , I decided if I ever get married again , it 'll be even cheaper . It will be me and the groom and the preacher in his office , and the secretary can come in and witness . The preacher will turn to the groom and say , " Posted by But first , some good news . Squeaky is back ! When I got home from work this afternoon , there she was , peeking out the front window of the old house . I was going to move her over to the new house today , but she is still too skittish from her ordeal . I 'll give her another day or two , then move her . Now , for the bad news . We had dental appointments and I have two cavities , one almost cavity , and a broken tooth . It just doesn 't seem fair because I brush my teeth faithfully . Cody doesn 't brush his unless I threaten his very life , and he doesn 't have a cavity in his head . Anyway , yes , my wisdom tooth did break the tooth next to it as I had suspected . I will have it out , but the dentist wants to fill the two cavities first thing . And as usual , my cleaning took three times longer than it should because the hygienist and I chatted so much . We did run by Unclaimed Furniture . They had a sofa and love seat pair that I liked , but I didn 't really need the love seat . I don 't have a place to put it , since I got my recliner . I 'm going to check around a few more places before committing to anything . I 'm beginning to lean toward getting my old sofa reupholstered . It is sturdy and comfortable - - just stained and clawed up by the cat . They didn 't have a hutch or a side table that we liked . The one hutch they had was waaaay too big for my kitchen . I suppose we 'll have to keep looking for one of those , too . Yeah , yeah , yeah , I know Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest , but to a single mom , there is no such thing ! We got up and went to church this morning . While we were waiting for the service to start , this little bitty boy came up to me . I was talking to B at the time , and he kept hovering around like he wanted to say something . Finally , during a lull in the conversation , I turned to him and he said , " Do you do Isshinryu karate ? " When I replied that I did , he said he did too and had seen my picture on the bulliten board in the dojo . We chatted a bit more , and he went back to sit with his mom . All throughout the service , anytime I happened to glance his way , I noticed he was looking at me . When he saw me looking , he would smile at me . After church , I went over to the old house to get some things I needed to fix lunch . I noticed that Cody had left the back door open . I didn 't think too much of it , but when I got inside , it looked like a tornado had gone through my living room . There was an unfamiliar dog collar in my living room floor , and no Squeaky . I went all over the house , calling and calling , and she never came . I walked all over the yard calling and calling , and still no Squeaky . She still has not turned up . I hope she comes home . I got my cabinets all cleaned out this afternoon . The stuff isn 't packed up and ready to move , but at least it is out of the cabinets . When J got off work , he came over and helped me move my two dressers and file cabinet . Now I can start getting stuff where it belongs . I need to create some more cabinet space in my kitchen , though . I want something like this : Or this : Cody and I have dental appointments tomorrow afternoon , so we may stop by Unclaimed Furniture on the way home and see what they have . Cody wants a side table to go in his reading area in his room . Once we get that , his room will be finished . I 'll just need to get him to clean it up so I can take pictures of it . We also need a sofa for the living room . Cody is getting mighty tired of sitting on the floor . Right now , I need tPosted by Ok , more than a couple . . . First off , if you haven 't seen this , you need to . Secondly , it 's Saturday , and that means : Today 's sky , a beautiful cloudless blue . Next , I 'm sure some of you have been wondering and I 'll get you up to date . Here is what my burns look like after 6 weeks : I expect that little bit of redness will completely fade after a while . This one will leave a pair of scars , but they won 't be too noticeable , and will most likely fade right into my copious stretch marks . Finally , a couple of completed knitting projects . I decided I wanted some fancy washcloths for my new bathroom , so I whipped these two out in a hurry . Yeah , I know . They would look better blocked , but who blocks washcloths anyway ? That 's about it for today . Posted by Supergroup7 posted several quotes on her blog yesterday . I love quotes . I 'm a quotes kind of gal . I think this quote is appropriate at this point in my karate training : " It 's what you learn after you know it all that counts . " Harry TrumanMost people on the outside - - that is , those who 've never trained in a martial art - - think that once you get a black belt , you know everything . I 've even had people ask me why I was still taking classes since I 've gotten my black belt already . After all , what is there left to learn ? They are soooo wrong . Black belt - - shodan - - is only the beginning . Getting your black belt means you have learned the alphabet and are ready to learn how to read . It doesn 't mean you 've got your foot in the door , but have learned how to find the doorknob . With that in mind , I thought I 'd start a series sharing some of my favorite quotes . These first ones pertain to the martial arts : The ultimate aim of the martial arts lies not in victory or defeat . Instead it lies in the perfection of those who participate . - Gichin Funakoshi To have Confidence , we must be Cocky , but not arrogant . It all starts with the knowledge that practice makes perfect . Yet we all know that nothing is perfect which is the reason we never stop practicing our basics . - A . J . Advincula But just as Bruce Lee said , " Before I learned the art , a punch was just a punch , and a kick , just a kick . After I learned the art , a punch was no longer a punch , a kick , no longer a kick . Now that I understand the art , a punch is just a punch and a kick is just a kick . " Some say " we should get back to basics " but I say , " Never leave the basics " for they are what sets the standard . They are the foundation . - A . J . AdvinculaMy explanation to women for why you do a kiai : " If you can 't kill him outright , at least you can scare him to death " - - Sandi LeeWith the right attitude , we practice our basics . The more we practice our basics , the more proficient we become . The more proficient we become , the more confidence we have . The more confidence we have , the more discPosted by Karah still didn 't have her obi on tonight . I told her she needed to find it and wear it because coming without a complete gi is very disrespectful to the sensei and the dojo . She kind of rolled her eyes and walked away . Later on , she smarted off to me during class , and I made her do pushups . I don 't think she 'll last unless she has a major change in attitude . She really is good at karate , she just needs to get her attitude right . This is homecoming week at the high school , so class was kind of small tonight . Just four students were there , but we had a good workout anyway . Sensei is kind of aggravated . There is an empty place right next door to the dojo . It used to be a video rental store , but they closed down nearly 2 years ago . We 've told sensei ever since then , " If you get that place , then we can have a really big dojo . " Here lately , he 's actually been considering it . In fact , he went and talked to the landlady and told her he wanted to lease it . He told her that it would have to be at the end of this month , though , so he could collect his dues for October and be able to make the double payment to get the lease . She said that was ok . Sounds to me like they had an agreement , right ? She rented the place out from under him to someone who is opening a dress shop . Sensei thinks it actually may have been her husband that leased the building to the dress shop because she was out of town . He probably didn 't know about their agreement , but there 's nothing they can do about it now . Still , it kind of bites . Tuesday night after class , I was going through all my kata , and sensei came over and asked what I was working on . I leaped at the chance for some instruction and asked him to go over sunsu with me . That is my newest kata , and there are a few spots I 'm not too sure about . We went over those , and about halfway through , he started doing the kata with me . It was so good to be doing kata with sensei again . We used to do this all the time . Back in the old dojo , when there were two senseis - - well , sensei and Mr . Tedder , the assistPosted by Yet it was in the mid 90s today . After being so hot for so long , I am ready to move to Alaska . We got a few more things moved today , but we are running out of room in the new house . The old house had much more cabinet space in the kitchen than the new house , so I 'm finding it hard to find storage space for everything , despite the fact that I am getting rid of so much stuff . My bedroom and bathroom are completely moved , except for my dresser and file cabinet , and I 'll need help with those . The kitchen is about 75 % moved , and the living room is about halfway done . There is still quite a bit left in Cody 's room to be sorted through , mostly my craft stuff I had stored in his closet . He claims he 's gotten everything he wants out of his room , but there is still a lot in there that will need to be packed up , donated , yard saled , or thrown away . I 'm just tired of moving . . . In snakey news , I measured Blaze today and he is growing like a bad weed . He grew 2 1 / 2 inches since his last shed , and now measures 28 1 / 2 inches . Sunset is getting ready to shed again . Slider is becoming more comfortable in his environment , and is getting out and cruising his viv more . Onyx is still off his feed . He 'll grab and constrict the mouse , but won 't eat it . He is still plenty active though , and doesn 't appear to be losing too much weight . After urffing her previous feed , Scarlett has kept this one down for 5 days now , and has given me a hallacious poop . And finally , Snow appears to be slimming down some . I 'd put her on a diet a few months ago because she suddenly bulked up . It was around breeding season , and though I didn 't breed her , I think maybe their natural tendency is to put on weight during this time in preparation for being gravid . She 's looking a lot better , but still chunkier than I 'd like her to be . James is talking about quitting karate . He still comes to class , but doesn 't even gi up and participate any more . He says it 's no fun being a black belt . He , like me , is disgusted by the behavior of some of the students in the class . We haPosted by Not mine , though . B and J went up to Batesville to buy B a new car this afternoon . I didn 't know this until about 5 : 30 when she called me and asked me to go over and let her dogs out of her house . I could tell from the sound of her voice she was upset about something . She said that they hadn 't even gotten out of Batesville when an uninsured driver rear ended her in her brand new car , then left the scene of the accident . I haven 't talked to them since . They 've been home because the garage door is down , but no lights were on in the house . I 'll find out tomorrow what happened . Hurricane Isaac has come and gone , and I missed most of it . He wasn 't expected to be much of a threat to anyone , since he foolishly moved into the colder , dryer areas of the North Atlantic . This has been a fairly slow year as far as tropical storms / hurricanes go . Last year , we were already up to Stan . By this time last year , I 'd personally encountered three hurricanes - - Dennis , Katrina , and Rita . Some of you sharp eyed readers may notice that I got rid of my ticker at the top of my blog . It was too much of a pain having to go back to the ticker factory website day after day to update the thing . Until I find a more efficient way of tracking my BBM Challenge goals , you 'll just have to trust that I 'm doing them . of an oak tree that sits in my front yard . Speculation is that this giant is some 200 years old . These pictures don 't provide enough perspective for you to see that it would take three of me to link arms around the trunk of it . Local legend has it that this tree was planted by Native Americans as part of a line of trees delineating one nation 's territory . I have no way of authenticating that , though . The broken limb visible in the second photo was dropped on my front porch ( of the old house ) about 2 1 / 2 years ago . I was sitting on my couch when it happened , but I didn 't stay there . It sounded like someone shot a cannon off in my front yard , it was so loud . The limb was as big around as most trees around here are . We got some good firewood from it for a cub scout camp out . What is it with people who bring babies into church then spend the entire hour going , " SHHHHH ! " ? Now , don 't get me wrong . I have nothing against babies in church . I don 't even mind the noise they make . They 're babies , after all . It 's what they do . But if the parents or grandparents are so upset by their noise that they are going to shush them the entire hour , why don 't they just take them to the nursery ? Don 't they realize that their shushing is more distracting than the baby ? Otherwise , it 's been a pretty quiet day . . . |
Or , rather what would have been posted yesterday had it not been for the news of my cousin 's untimely death . Man , I should have stuck it out and finished the game ! Dallas vs . Carolina , that is . It was 21 - 14 Dallas with 5 minutes left to play when I went to bed . A few minutes later , I hear Cody tapping at my door . " Mom , Dallas won 35 - 14 . " They scored two touchdowns in the last five minutes of the game , one of them on a pass interception . And I missed it ! Cody got kind of mad at me this morning . I always tell him when he gets in the shower , " get in , wash , and get out , " but he never does . He stays in there until I yell at him to get out . I told him one day last week that I was going to just leave him in there and see how long it took him to get out . I might even leave for work with him in the the shower . Today , I did just that . He got himself out just before I left for work . He was fussing at me for not telling him it was time to get out , using the excuse , " I don 't have a clock in the bathroom ! " I told him he didn 't need a clock . If he just got in , washed , and got out , it wouldn 't take that long . The washing machine repairman didn 't show up again today . I 'm going to have to call them back and see what 's up . That was about all I had planned to post . Just for the record , Cody got out of the shower much quicker this morning . Now on to today 's news . It is Halloween , but we don 't do much for Halloween around here . Cody is adamant that we not celebrate it . He says , " It is a holiday born of pagan devil worship . " Well , we don 't do things that glorify death , like ghouls , zombies , and morbid things like that , but I still like having pumpkins , kitties , and things like that around . We didn 't carve a pumpkin this year , but I still put out my fake , light up pumpkin : And we watched It 's The Great Pumpkin , Charlie Brown . One is never too old for those great holiday classics . In Cody 's social studies class , they were discussing the origins of Halloween , and they began discussing some more modern customs and such , and things that are goodPosted by B just called me and told me that my oldest first cousin , Tommy Gene Tomkins died this morning . He 'd been having trouble with his liver , and was in the hospital for tests . His sister Marsha stayed with him last night , and about 3 : 00AM she called their other sister Kathy and told her he was really going downhill fast . They got my aunt , then called in the rest of the family . He was awake and alert and lucid up until the end . About 9 something this morning all his systems suddenly shut down and he died . It happened so fast , we are all still in shock . I called my older brother and we both were going umm , err , and oh my goodness . It 's one of those things we just don 't want to believe . I hadn 't seen him in years , but I 'll still miss him . I hadn 't seen him in years , but I knew he was out there somewhere . I 'll miss him tremendously because I 'll know he 's not there any more . He was several years older than me , but he was still my generation . He was the first . * * when I just can 't think of anything to blog about . Cody says I should blog about the game , so ok : We are watching Dallas vs . Carolina . The score is 14 - 10 Carolina in the 4th quarter . I doubt I make it to the end of the game . I 'm ready for bed now . I haven 't watched football in a long time , but this year , I 'm getting back into it . I don 't really know why . Even if I 'm not sitting and watching the game , I like hearing the sounds in the background . It really makes it seem like fall around here now . He said to blog about the new house . Ok , so we moved the sofa and two end tables into the new house this afternoon . Cody is glad that he doesn 't have to sit on the floor . I eventually want to get the sofa reupholstered , but right now I can 't afford it . My brand new washing machine no longer works . I put in for a service call , since it is still very much under warranty . The guy was supposed to come out Saturday and fix it , but never showed up . My guess is he 'll show up tomorrow and be upset when no one is here . I 'm not going to take a whole day off work - - and miss a whole day 's pay - - when I 'm not even sure if he 's coming . I offered to let Cody stay home from school , but he doesn 't want to ruin his perfect attendance . So I left a house key with B and a note on the door telling the guy , if he shows up , to go next door to be let in . Cody also said to blog about the dog . I don 't know what to tell you about her . Except that she has this habit of sleeping with one paw over her eyes . She 's done that since she was a puppy . It really is quite cute . Five of my seven snakes are sheddy , only Onyx shed today . That makes four that are still due to shed soon . Dallas just scored , and now leads Carolina 21 - 14 with 9 something left in the 4th quarter . Still , it 's not the Cowboys of Roger Staubach and Tom Landry . . . Posted by Ok , I know what some of you are thinking . You 're thinking , " If that tooth is bothering her so much , why doesn 't she just get it fixed ? " Well , I intend to . Unfortunately , the earliest my dentist can get me in without me having to take time off work is November 8 . I am counting down the days , I can assure you of that . In the meantime , I 'm trying whatever I can to make this bearable until then . I finished another Lonesome Skein project . It 's the hat on the left . The other one I 'd posted before , but since I added pom - poms to both , I thought I 'd take a picture of both . I 'm still working on the lacy scarf , but sometimes I just need something mindless to knit . I 've heard through the grapevine that the people who were looking at my old house have decided not to get it after all . Nice of them to let me know , don 't ya think ? And finally , * * * 1 . I think I might be mildly allergic to aspirin . I took some this morning for my toothache pain and experienced the same symptoms I have when I eat eggs or get stung by red wasps . They weren 't as intense , but enough to keep me from taking aspirin again . 2 . The reason the Orajel hadn 't been working on my toothache is because the break which exposes the nerve is below my gum line . If I put some Orajel on my toothbrush and scrub it down in there really well , it does work - - as well as Orajel can work , that is . 3 . I may be allergic to , of all things , dental wax . You know , I 'd heard that you can be allergic to anything , but there are some things you just don 't think about having allergies to . I 'd read on a website that you can put dental wax on the sharp edge of a broken tooth to keep it from rubbing your tongue raw . I decided to try it . About the third time I put it on my tooth , within oh , say 30 minutes , my tongue , gums , and cheek next to my broken tooth were absolutely on fire . Not to mention I just felt sick , weak , and I was wondering how I was going to last through the day . I pulled the dental wax off my tooth , and immediately began feeling better . It took a while for the soreness in my cheek and tongue to go away , but the weakness and wooziness passed almost immediately . Of all things . . . Well , that brings my list of strongly suspected allergies to : eggsorangesred waspshoneybeesaspirindental waxFortunately , I 'm not ( so far ) anaphylactic to any of them . But with allergies , you never know . I 'm going to take a Benadryl tonight before going to bed to try to clean any residual effects out of my system . And I 'm going to throw the dental wax in the garbage . Tom is currently the oldest member of our dojo . He started training about 2 years ago at the age of 53 . It was his son Nathan 's idea , really . Nathan was 25 , and wanted to do karate . He talked Tom into starting as well , as a father - son bonding sort of thing . After the first two months , Nate 's attendance became sporadic , only showing up about once a month . Tom eventually quit paying for Nathan , telling sensei " I 'll just pay if he shows up . " Nathan finally moved out of town and quit for good . He never made it past yellow belt . I figured Tom would quit when Nathan quit coming , but he didn 't . He still shows up faithfully and is now a purple belt - - yon kyu . Tom is not the most co - ordinated student , nor the most flexible , but he works very hard at what he does . He has really improved over the last two years . Tom is a professional musician who plays the saxophone . One day he brought his sax to class , and played a bit for us - - at my request . I was learning Chinto at the time , and got a good workout to his music . Tom also rides a motorcycle . Not a Harley , but he looks like a bad daddy driving up on it anyway . Tom is very laid back in everything he does . He has the most unique accent . He talks real slow , even for here in the South , with an inflection that is absolutely impossible to describe . I 'd never heard anyone else that talks quite like Tom . He came to my black belt test , and brought his wife with him . He introduced me to her , and when she opened her mouth and spoke to me , I nearly fell on the floor . She talks just like Tom . No wonder they got married . They were made for each other . Tom is cool . * * * This is the 6th grade beginner band doing their scale patterns . Cody said it 's not fair because they got a whole month to practice before band night . When he was in 6th grade , they only got 9 days . That is the high school drum line helping them out . Again , I apologize for the shakiness . It was rather chilly out there that night . Last night was band night at the school . All the bands performed , from the 6th grade beginner band , through the high school band . I 've uploaded a video of Cody 's 7th grade band performing a song called Wully Bully . Sorry about the quality . I didn 't realize that with that particular camera , you can 't zoom after you 've started recording . Cody plays a souzaphone . * * * All this snake talk I guess . I had a really weird dream the other night . I dreamed about Steve Irwin , The Crocodile Hunter . Actually , the dream started out with Terri , Bindi , and Bob and I in what was supposed to be my house . It wasn 't , but you know how dreams are . Terri was holding Bob , and I was fixing Bindi 's hair . I was making her " glamorous like a movie star . " Which is really weird because I haven 't the faintest idea how to fix hair . I don 't even hardly do mine . In the dream , she had just gotten a puppy , and the puppy had died . I was trying to make her feel better by doing girl stuff with her . Which is really weird as well , because anyone who knows me knows I am not a girly girl . I 'm about as tomboy as they come . Bindi doesn 't strike me as being really girly either . Thus in the dream , I pretty much made her hair look like a rat 's nest . But since she has straight hair , it just fell out . I remember thinking , " poor kid , to lose her dog and her daddy so close together . " About the time I finished my thought , in walked Steve - o , alive and well , and larger than life . Ok , probably life sized but he seemed pretty big to me . He wanted to see my snakes , and he took my hand ( and Terri let me live ) and led me out onto my screened in porch ( which I only wish I had ) where my snakes were kept . He wanted to see Onyx , only Onnie was a hatchling again and was in the same tank with Monty , who was also a hatchling - - a definite no - no . Terri , with Bob in her lap and Bindi beside her , sat in my rocking chair and listened to Steve and I talking about the snakes . I woke up then , and when I went back to sleep , I dreamed that Cody and I were going to a football game . We got into the gate and Cody had a cooler of ice on a dolly that he was pulling along . I don 't know why because it was freezing out there . When we got inside the stadium , he decided to take the cooler back out to the car because it would be too hard to get the dolly up and down the steps of the stadium , so I sat down beside Clint Kinard ( a neighbor ) to wait for him . He came backPosted by In response to Perpetual Beginner 's request , I am providing some basic information on keeping snakes . This is directed toward the novice snake keeper in general , not specifically to you Cindy , so when I talk about being responsible , don 't take it personally . In recent years , keeping exotic animals , such as snakes , as pets has become more and more common . What was once considered an oddity is now becoming mainstream . Unfortunately for the snake , however , many people buy them on impulse and don 't have a clue as to how to take care of one . Taking on a snake as a pet is no different from taking a dog , cat , or horse for a pet . It is a responsibility that will last the life of the snake . They are not " throwaway " pets that you can just flush or release when you get tired of them . They are living creatures with needs , and deserve the best care you can give them . Remember , if you are a parent of a young child who wants a snake as a pet , you will be ultimately responsible for the care of that animal . The first thing I would suggest anyone considering a snake as a pet do is to research your state and local laws to find out what kinds of snakes , if any , are legal to keep as pets . This includes determining if the snake you are considering is a protected species . There is nothing quite so heart wrenching than to find out your chosen species is illegal to keep in your area . Unless , of course , it is having Animal Control show up at your door and fine you thousands of dollars and confiscate your pet . Your state Fish and Wildlife department or the reference desk at your local library should be able to help you determine the laws applicable to snake keeping in your area . The next step is to begin researching which species of snake are available in the pet trade . There are hundreds of them , some more suitable as pets than others . There are two types of snakes available for purchase that are not suitable for the novice herper ( slang for snake keeper ) under any circumstances , no way , no how , never never never . These are venomous snakes , Posted by And my first Lonesome Skein KAL project . I 've started another one just like it with the remaining yarn . I 'm still working on the scarf I started , but I wanted to have something to post to the group before the project ends . I had a rather productive day today . I managed to box up 4 boxes of yard sale stuff , and also move some more stuff to the new house . I 've got nearly everything I want to keep moved over , but I 've begun to just stuff it into corners and odd places until I can get more cabinets and stuff . I said I wasn 't going to do that , but I 'm ready to be done with it . Those people came back to look at the house again . They let me know when they got there , but left without saying anything . I don 't know what they thought or what . Still , I got the master bedroom and bathroom cleaned out - - but not cleaned up . I 'll have to tote some soap and water over and clean really well . I 'll also need to string some extension cords over to vacuum . Thursday night after class , sensei called one of the students over and said , " I need to apologize to you . " The student asked what he needed to apologize for , and sensei responded , " For that drubbing Ole Miss is going to get this weekend ! " And sure enough , Arkansas ran over them 38 - 3 . Then we watched Notre Dame pull out a squeaker against UCLA . Cody asked me why I was watching so much football , and I replied that it was just a football kind of day . I 'd forgotten how much I missed watching it . Finally , in case you didn 't know : FYI We are almost finished with Cody 's room . Well , except for decorating and stuff . I 'm not very good at that , and right now it isn 't a priority anyway . But for the most part , it 's done . Here are a few pictures : His bed , with the headboard he put together himself . He 's quite proud of that . Note the small white cabinet beside it . It is actually a toy stove that my grandfather made for me when I was about 3 or 4 . His computer and bookcase . Most of the books in here are actually mine . Until I can get myself some bookcases , this is where they 'll reside . That is his snake tank on top . We are going to move Monty into the snake room for the winter months so I can better keep him warm . I got a small oil filled heater to put in there so the temps don 't drop too much at night . Cody 's reading spot . He came up with this idea himself . I want to put a small pedestal table or side table beside the chair , and find a better place to store the bow . Notice all the karate trophies on the bookshelf . And note that about two of those shelves of books are mine as well . I really need some bookshelves ! I 'm a bit irked at my dentist right now . Last week , as you may remember , I went for my semi annual cleaning and checkup . He found two cavities , and wants to fill them before doing anything about my wisdom tooth . I 'm sure he has his reasons - - he 's the one who went to dental school after all - - but it 's the wisdom tooth that hurts ! Those teensy little cavities don 't hurt a bit . The wisdom tooth is moving again . It feels like it has gotten kind of under the molar next to is and is slowly pushing the molar out of my gum . It has already sheared off one side of the tooth , and it feels like some more is breaking off . Saturday when we went to the zoo , we got some Dippin Dots ice cream . One little dot got onto the broken section of my tooth , and let me tell you , I came off that bench I was sitting on . Yeah , my dentist is not exactly my favorite person right now . When that happened , we were watching the elephant trainers show off some of the elephant 's tricks . As the trainer explained , the elephants are not forced to do any of these tricks . They can walk away at any time and the trainers let them . The things they teach the elephants to do are mainly so they can check them and monitor their health . It was still interesting to watch . on my old house . B called me out of the blue this afternoon and asked me how much I was wanting for my old house . She said her friend C knew some people who might want it . I told her , and said they were welcome to come look it at , just excuse the mess . I was thinking I would have a couple of days to get things a little more straightened up , but B said , " Let me call C back . " Then I left to take Cody to his hair cutting appointment , and B called me at the beauty shop ( don 't tell Cody I take him to a beauty shop ; he thinks it 's a hair center ) and said , " They want to come look at it now . " Totally freaked me out because it is still a mess . We drove home and I threw a bunch of stuff in to the back of my truck and moved it over to the new house , but it was still a mess when they got here . I apologized to them for that , and told them they 'd caught me off guard , but they didn 't seem to mind the mess . The young lady who will be living in the house seemed really excited about it , even seeing all the work that will need to be done to it . The mom seemed less sure . She perked up a bit when I dropped the price a few hundred dollars . But my initial asking price was inflated by those few hundred dollars . . . They are going to bring the dad / husband out tomorrow to look at it . I hope they take it , even though that means I 'll be scrambling to get my old junk out of it . I actually enjoyed karate class last night . After we bowed in , I went to the back of the dojo and started working out with the class . Well , doing what they were doing . First we did basics , then slow motion kata up through Wansu . After that , we did some sparring drills . James and I were working together , when he punched me right in the chest . He wouldn 't do anything else after that , so I did the rest of my empty hand kata in slow motion . I guess he felt pretty bad about hitting me . It was a pretty good thump . He kept saying he didn 't even hit me hard . I was trying to explain that that is the beauty of a correctly executed Isshinryu punch . You don 't have to " hit hard " for Posted by Here 's a couple of pictures from the zoo trip . Harbor Seal fascinated by the blue tag on his back flipper . Tot fascinated by the Red Tail Boa . Cody fascinated by the polar bears . P . S . Cindy , I haven 't forgotten your request for snake keeping info . I 'll get to it soon . I promise . Band ShoesCamouflage SweatshirtTexas Longhorns Cap MoneySky High on DVDA Series of Unfortunate Events Book the Thirteenth , The EndCamouflage CakeCody with the cake . I always forget to buy candles . . . For my first Lonesome Skein project , I 've decided to do this scarf . I don 't have any lace weight yarn , so I 'm doing it out of fingering weight and using larger needles . It isn 't quite a lonesome skein , because it had a half skein companion . There is no yardage on the label , but it is about 1 . 5 oz of yarn . It 's my first attempt at knitting lace , and I 'm anxious to see how it turns out . I lied to you yesterday when I said I had to wait until I got out of the hospital to take pictures of Cody . I found these three today : This is his first picture , as he lay in the nursery with all those monitors and things hooked up to him . The cast looking thing on his hand was where they had the IV hooked up . This picture was taken October 17th . And here he is later on , awake and fussing . They had taken the monitors and stuff off so I could feed him . I still wasn 't able to have him in my room with me , so I had to go down to the nursery to feed and visit him . Finally , they took him off all that stuff and moved him to the regular nursery . He had pulled his IV out by this time , and they were unable to re - insert it , so he had to have shots every three or so hours . Poor baby . . . But the good news is that I could finally take him down to my room with me . I finally took the plunge and joined my first knit - a - long . It is the Lonesome Skein KAL . The object is to use up some of the single skeins of yarn we all have in our stashes . It is only 3 months long , but I hope they extend it . As slow as I knit , I likely won 't get anything completed . The only rule is that the pattern has to call for 250 yards or less of yarn . I found one I really like in a magazine , but it calls for 253 yards of yarn . I figure if I leave off the fringe , it will fall within the requirements . The first thing I did was to dig out all my yarn and separate the single skeins or partial skeins . As you can see , I 've got quite a few , including one already crocheted into a partial baby afghan . I bought that one off e - bay because I only needed about 10 yards of that yarn to finish a baby afghan of my own . The seller offered to frog it and rewind it into balls for me , but I told her it wasn 't necessary . About half of these were sent to me by my mother when she cleaned out her stash . Some of this yarn belonged to my grandmother , who died when I was 14 . I 'd better get started if I want to get anything finished in the three months time . at 12 : 33 AM on October 14 , 1993 , Cody Matthew Anglea came into this world . He weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz , and was 21 inches long . His birth was not without incident , either . The first thing I thought when I saw him was , " That big thing came out of me ? ? ? ? " The second thing was , " He 's blue ! " And he was . Bright blue . Though they never told me so , I believe he had begun to go into distress . It took the doctor a long time to get him to breathing , and when the doctor is saying , " Come on little guy " with an edge of urgency in his voice , it doesn 't comfort a new mother 's heart . They finally got him to breathing well , but he had an elevated temperature . Remember that I had been running a 102 + fever the whole time I was in labor . Though Cody 's temperature dropped to a steady 98 . 6 within a couple of hours , mine stayed high for several days . Initial blood tests revealed that my white count was high , and based on that , the pediatrician decided to run a full course of antibiotics on Cody just to be on the safe side . Because of this , we battled yeast infections for the next 6 months . Hint for new moms : don 't ever stay in the nursery while the doctor is trying to put an IV into your child 's head . You won 't like it . Finally , after a week in the hospital , the doctor decided Cody was ready to come home . It was at this time that I finally was able to take pictures of him . Unfortunately , I haven 't moved my photo albums from the old house , so I can 't show you a baby pic . But this is what he looks like today : Before my ex left , I told him to call me as soon as he got back to the States , and leave me a phone number where I could contact him when the baby was born . He left on Wednesday , and I knew he wouldn 't be back to work until the following Monday . He didn 't call . I thought he was waiting until Monday so he could call from the office he worked in and wouldn 't have to pay for the call . By Tuesday evening , he still hadn 't called , so I called his work number and was informed that he hadn 't worked there in several weeks . I asked the Sargent whoPosted by today a lot happened in my life . I was stationed in Naples , Italy in the Navy there . I was married and pregnant . At 6 : 00 AM , or thereabouts , my husband walked out of the door of the barracks where I was living and boarded a bus that would take him to the airport in Rome . I never saw him again . I thought he had come over to be with me for the birth of our son , but in reality he had come to tell me he 'd decided he didn 't like married life and wanted a divorce . I asked him how did he know . You see , we had never lived together as man and wife . Six weeks before we were to be married , he was transferred back Stateside . I wanted to postpone the wedding until we could be stationed together , but he told me that this was only TAD ( Temporary Added Duty ) . He would be back in 8 to 12 weeks , then we would be together forever . I decided that if that was all he was going to be gone , there was no need to postpone our wedding . So we proceeded with our plans . We were married on March 6 , 1993 in my hometown . Two weeks later , I returned to Italy with the expectation that he would follow in about a month . I kept asking him when he was going to return to Naples , and he kept putting me off . " It 'll be a few more weeks . " This came up , or that came up , and there were delays in getting his orders , etc , etc . Sometime in July , his tune changed . He became abrupt with me . Even angry sounding . " That was a permanent transfer . You knew that . I told you that when I first got the orders ! " Then he began urging me to get a hardship transfer , so that I could return to the States . I guess he thought I could get one simply because I was pregnant . About two weeks after he had transferred that January , I started suspecting that I was pregnant . A home test , followed by a doctor visit , confirmed it . But no , the Navy doesn 't give hardship transfers simply because you are expecting a baby . Or they didn 't back then . Things may have changed since I was in . Ironically enough , he was the one who wanted to hurry up and get me pregnant . It was all he talked about for the loPosted by how sensei does it . I had to go in and teach the kid 's classes tonight because sensei wasn 't going to be there . Let me tell you , teaching is not my gift . I am exhausted ! I don 't see how sensei teaches four classes , and after working all night at his regular job , too . When Mr . Tedder came in to teach the adult classes , James and I left . He was teaching the adult class and said we didn 't need to hang around . I was going to go over kata after class , but I was too tired so I just came home . And the hardest part about teaching with James is making James behave . I spent more time calling him down than all of the kids put together . I 'm going to have to have a talk with sensei about him . I 'd sooner teach by myself than to have to deal with a 16 year old jr . black belt who acts like a 6 year old white belt . Sheesh . My train - - this is the same train B wore on her wedding dress . It is kind of hard to see in this picture , bu tthe little designs are all made up of tiny pearls hand sewn by my grandmother . Posted by I work in a no - brainer job , so I have a lot of time to think of stuff . Some of the stuff I think of can be pretty far out there , too . Of course , since I 'm working with an acetylene torch , I do have to pay some attention to my work , or disastrous things may occur . But I digress . . . Today , of all things , I was thinking about weddings . Actually , I started thinking about musicals , which made me remember a wedding between a former pastor 's son and his bride . I didn 't go , but B did and brought me back a program . Both the bride and the groom were music majors , and there were 11 songs in their wedding . Eleven ! Songs ! Let 's see , the bride sang a song to the groom , the groom sang a song to the bride , the happy couple sang a song together , the best man sang a song to the happy couple , the maid of honor sang a song to the happy couple , the best man and maid of honor sang a song to the happy couple together . . . When you consider the average song is 3 1 / 2 minutes long , you 're looking at 45 minutes just of music . That 's not a wedding . That 's a stage show . Maybe that 's why they had programs . I have never been to a wedding that had programs . I didn 't have programs at my wedding . Since I paid for the entire thing myself ( note I said " myself " - - not " my husband and I " - - I even had to buy my own ring , or I wouldn 't have gotten one ) I went with the bare basics . Dr . Phil says the average cost of a wedding these days is $ 25 , 000 . Mine didn 't cost nearly that much . I overheard a co - worker several years ago saying that her parents spent $ 1500 just on flowers . That 's about what I paid for my entire wedding . Including my dress . My cousin Judy made my dress , so I only had to pay for materials - - about $ 300 worth . But it was a beautiful dress . My album is still in the old house , but maybe tomorrow I 'll go dig it out and post a picture . Anyway , I decided if I ever get married again , it 'll be even cheaper . It will be me and the groom and the preacher in his office , and the secretary can come in and witness . The preacher will turn to the groom and say , " Posted by But first , some good news . Squeaky is back ! When I got home from work this afternoon , there she was , peeking out the front window of the old house . I was going to move her over to the new house today , but she is still too skittish from her ordeal . I 'll give her another day or two , then move her . Now , for the bad news . We had dental appointments and I have two cavities , one almost cavity , and a broken tooth . It just doesn 't seem fair because I brush my teeth faithfully . Cody doesn 't brush his unless I threaten his very life , and he doesn 't have a cavity in his head . Anyway , yes , my wisdom tooth did break the tooth next to it as I had suspected . I will have it out , but the dentist wants to fill the two cavities first thing . And as usual , my cleaning took three times longer than it should because the hygienist and I chatted so much . We did run by Unclaimed Furniture . They had a sofa and love seat pair that I liked , but I didn 't really need the love seat . I don 't have a place to put it , since I got my recliner . I 'm going to check around a few more places before committing to anything . I 'm beginning to lean toward getting my old sofa reupholstered . It is sturdy and comfortable - - just stained and clawed up by the cat . They didn 't have a hutch or a side table that we liked . The one hutch they had was waaaay too big for my kitchen . I suppose we 'll have to keep looking for one of those , too . Yeah , yeah , yeah , I know Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest , but to a single mom , there is no such thing ! We got up and went to church this morning . While we were waiting for the service to start , this little bitty boy came up to me . I was talking to B at the time , and he kept hovering around like he wanted to say something . Finally , during a lull in the conversation , I turned to him and he said , " Do you do Isshinryu karate ? " When I replied that I did , he said he did too and had seen my picture on the bulliten board in the dojo . We chatted a bit more , and he went back to sit with his mom . All throughout the service , anytime I happened to glance his way , I noticed he was looking at me . When he saw me looking , he would smile at me . After church , I went over to the old house to get some things I needed to fix lunch . I noticed that Cody had left the back door open . I didn 't think too much of it , but when I got inside , it looked like a tornado had gone through my living room . There was an unfamiliar dog collar in my living room floor , and no Squeaky . I went all over the house , calling and calling , and she never came . I walked all over the yard calling and calling , and still no Squeaky . She still has not turned up . I hope she comes home . I got my cabinets all cleaned out this afternoon . The stuff isn 't packed up and ready to move , but at least it is out of the cabinets . When J got off work , he came over and helped me move my two dressers and file cabinet . Now I can start getting stuff where it belongs . I need to create some more cabinet space in my kitchen , though . I want something like this : Or this : Cody and I have dental appointments tomorrow afternoon , so we may stop by Unclaimed Furniture on the way home and see what they have . Cody wants a side table to go in his reading area in his room . Once we get that , his room will be finished . I 'll just need to get him to clean it up so I can take pictures of it . We also need a sofa for the living room . Cody is getting mighty tired of sitting on the floor . Right now , I need tPosted by Ok , more than a couple . . . First off , if you haven 't seen this , you need to . Secondly , it 's Saturday , and that means : Today 's sky , a beautiful cloudless blue . Next , I 'm sure some of you have been wondering and I 'll get you up to date . Here is what my burns look like after 6 weeks : I expect that little bit of redness will completely fade after a while . This one will leave a pair of scars , but they won 't be too noticeable , and will most likely fade right into my copious stretch marks . Finally , a couple of completed knitting projects . I decided I wanted some fancy washcloths for my new bathroom , so I whipped these two out in a hurry . Yeah , I know . They would look better blocked , but who blocks washcloths anyway ? That 's about it for today . Posted by Supergroup7 posted several quotes on her blog yesterday . I love quotes . I 'm a quotes kind of gal . I think this quote is appropriate at this point in my karate training : " It 's what you learn after you know it all that counts . " Harry TrumanMost people on the outside - - that is , those who 've never trained in a martial art - - think that once you get a black belt , you know everything . I 've even had people ask me why I was still taking classes since I 've gotten my black belt already . After all , what is there left to learn ? They are soooo wrong . Black belt - - shodan - - is only the beginning . Getting your black belt means you have learned the alphabet and are ready to learn how to read . It doesn 't mean you 've got your foot in the door , but have learned how to find the doorknob . With that in mind , I thought I 'd start a series sharing some of my favorite quotes . These first ones pertain to the martial arts : The ultimate aim of the martial arts lies not in victory or defeat . Instead it lies in the perfection of those who participate . - Gichin Funakoshi To have Confidence , we must be Cocky , but not arrogant . It all starts with the knowledge that practice makes perfect . Yet we all know that nothing is perfect which is the reason we never stop practicing our basics . - A . J . Advincula But just as Bruce Lee said , " Before I learned the art , a punch was just a punch , and a kick , just a kick . After I learned the art , a punch was no longer a punch , a kick , no longer a kick . Now that I understand the art , a punch is just a punch and a kick is just a kick . " Some say " we should get back to basics " but I say , " Never leave the basics " for they are what sets the standard . They are the foundation . - A . J . AdvinculaMy explanation to women for why you do a kiai : " If you can 't kill him outright , at least you can scare him to death " - - Sandi LeeWith the right attitude , we practice our basics . The more we practice our basics , the more proficient we become . The more proficient we become , the more confidence we have . The more confidence we have , the more discPosted by Karah still didn 't have her obi on tonight . I told her she needed to find it and wear it because coming without a complete gi is very disrespectful to the sensei and the dojo . She kind of rolled her eyes and walked away . Later on , she smarted off to me during class , and I made her do pushups . I don 't think she 'll last unless she has a major change in attitude . She really is good at karate , she just needs to get her attitude right . This is homecoming week at the high school , so class was kind of small tonight . Just four students were there , but we had a good workout anyway . Sensei is kind of aggravated . There is an empty place right next door to the dojo . It used to be a video rental store , but they closed down nearly 2 years ago . We 've told sensei ever since then , " If you get that place , then we can have a really big dojo . " Here lately , he 's actually been considering it . In fact , he went and talked to the landlady and told her he wanted to lease it . He told her that it would have to be at the end of this month , though , so he could collect his dues for October and be able to make the double payment to get the lease . She said that was ok . Sounds to me like they had an agreement , right ? She rented the place out from under him to someone who is opening a dress shop . Sensei thinks it actually may have been her husband that leased the building to the dress shop because she was out of town . He probably didn 't know about their agreement , but there 's nothing they can do about it now . Still , it kind of bites . Tuesday night after class , I was going through all my kata , and sensei came over and asked what I was working on . I leaped at the chance for some instruction and asked him to go over sunsu with me . That is my newest kata , and there are a few spots I 'm not too sure about . We went over those , and about halfway through , he started doing the kata with me . It was so good to be doing kata with sensei again . We used to do this all the time . Back in the old dojo , when there were two senseis - - well , sensei and Mr . Tedder , the assistPosted by Yet it was in the mid 90s today . After being so hot for so long , I am ready to move to Alaska . We got a few more things moved today , but we are running out of room in the new house . The old house had much more cabinet space in the kitchen than the new house , so I 'm finding it hard to find storage space for everything , despite the fact that I am getting rid of so much stuff . My bedroom and bathroom are completely moved , except for my dresser and file cabinet , and I 'll need help with those . The kitchen is about 75 % moved , and the living room is about halfway done . There is still quite a bit left in Cody 's room to be sorted through , mostly my craft stuff I had stored in his closet . He claims he 's gotten everything he wants out of his room , but there is still a lot in there that will need to be packed up , donated , yard saled , or thrown away . I 'm just tired of moving . . . In snakey news , I measured Blaze today and he is growing like a bad weed . He grew 2 1 / 2 inches since his last shed , and now measures 28 1 / 2 inches . Sunset is getting ready to shed again . Slider is becoming more comfortable in his environment , and is getting out and cruising his viv more . Onyx is still off his feed . He 'll grab and constrict the mouse , but won 't eat it . He is still plenty active though , and doesn 't appear to be losing too much weight . After urffing her previous feed , Scarlett has kept this one down for 5 days now , and has given me a hallacious poop . And finally , Snow appears to be slimming down some . I 'd put her on a diet a few months ago because she suddenly bulked up . It was around breeding season , and though I didn 't breed her , I think maybe their natural tendency is to put on weight during this time in preparation for being gravid . She 's looking a lot better , but still chunkier than I 'd like her to be . James is talking about quitting karate . He still comes to class , but doesn 't even gi up and participate any more . He says it 's no fun being a black belt . He , like me , is disgusted by the behavior of some of the students in the class . We haPosted by Not mine , though . B and J went up to Batesville to buy B a new car this afternoon . I didn 't know this until about 5 : 30 when she called me and asked me to go over and let her dogs out of her house . I could tell from the sound of her voice she was upset about something . She said that they hadn 't even gotten out of Batesville when an uninsured driver rear ended her in her brand new car , then left the scene of the accident . I haven 't talked to them since . They 've been home because the garage door is down , but no lights were on in the house . I 'll find out tomorrow what happened . Hurricane Isaac has come and gone , and I missed most of it . He wasn 't expected to be much of a threat to anyone , since he foolishly moved into the colder , dryer areas of the North Atlantic . This has been a fairly slow year as far as tropical storms / hurricanes go . Last year , we were already up to Stan . By this time last year , I 'd personally encountered three hurricanes - - Dennis , Katrina , and Rita . Some of you sharp eyed readers may notice that I got rid of my ticker at the top of my blog . It was too much of a pain having to go back to the ticker factory website day after day to update the thing . Until I find a more efficient way of tracking my BBM Challenge goals , you 'll just have to trust that I 'm doing them . of an oak tree that sits in my front yard . Speculation is that this giant is some 200 years old . These pictures don 't provide enough perspective for you to see that it would take three of me to link arms around the trunk of it . Local legend has it that this tree was planted by Native Americans as part of a line of trees delineating one nation 's territory . I have no way of authenticating that , though . The broken limb visible in the second photo was dropped on my front porch ( of the old house ) about 2 1 / 2 years ago . I was sitting on my couch when it happened , but I didn 't stay there . It sounded like someone shot a cannon off in my front yard , it was so loud . The limb was as big around as most trees around here are . We got some good firewood from it for a cub scout camp out . What is it with people who bring babies into church then spend the entire hour going , " SHHHHH ! " ? Now , don 't get me wrong . I have nothing against babies in church . I don 't even mind the noise they make . They 're babies , after all . It 's what they do . But if the parents or grandparents are so upset by their noise that they are going to shush them the entire hour , why don 't they just take them to the nursery ? Don 't they realize that their shushing is more distracting than the baby ? Otherwise , it 's been a pretty quiet day . . . |
Besides the neutral expression that she wore when she was alone , Mrs . Freeman had two others , forward and reverse , that she used for all her human dealings . Her forward expression was steady and driving like the advance of a heavy truck . Her eyes never swerved to left or right but turned as the story turned as if they followed a yellow line down the center of it . She seldom used the other expression because it was not often necessary for her to retract a statement , but when she did , her face came to a complete stop , there was an almost imperceptible movement of her black eyes , during which they seemed to be receding , and then the observer would see that Mrs . Freeman , though she might stand there as real as several grain sacks thrown on top of each other , was no longer there in spirit . As for getting anything across to her when this was the case , Mrs . Hopewell had given it up . She might talk her head off . Mrs . Freeman could never be brought to admit herself wrong to any point . She would stand there and if she could be brought to say anything , it was something like , " Well , I wouldn 't of said it was and I wouldn 't of said it wasn 't " or letting her gaze range over the top kitchen shelf where there was an assortment of dusty bottles , she might remark , " I see you ain 't ate many of them figs you put up last summer . " They carried on their most important business in the kitchen at breakfast . Every morning Mrs . Hopewell got up at seven o ' clock and lit her gas heater and Joy 's . Joy was her daughter , a large blonde girl who had an artificial leg . Mrs . Hopewell thought of her as a child though she was thirty - two years old and highly educated . Joy would get up while her mother was eating and lumber into the bathroom and slam the door , and before long , Mrs . Freeman would arrive at the back door . Joy would hear her mother call , " Come on in , " and then they would talk for a while in low voices that were indistinguishable in the bathroom . By the time Joy came in , they had usually finished the weather report and were on one or the other of Mrs . Freeman 's daughters , Glynese or Carramae . Joy called them Glycerin and Caramel . Glynese , a redhead , was eighteen and had many admirers ; Carramae , a blonde , was only fifteen but already married and pregnant . She could not keep anything on her stomach . Every morning Mrs . Freeman told Mrs . Hopewell how many times she had vomited since the last report . Mrs . Hopewell liked to tell people that Glynese and Carramae were two of the finest girls she knew and that Mrs . Freeman was a lady and that she was never ashamed to take her anywhere or introduce her to anybody they might meet . Then she would tell how she had happened to hire the Freemans in the first place and how they were a godsend to her and how she had had them four years . The reason for her keeping them so long was that they were not trash . They were good country people . She had telephoned the man whose name they had given as reference and he had told her that Mr . Freeman was a good farmer but that his wife was the nosiest woman ever to walk the earth . " She 's got to be into everything , " the man said . " If she don 't get there before the dust settles , you can bet she 's dead , that 's all . She 'll want to know all your business . I can stand him real good , " he had said , " but me nor my wife neither could have stood that woman one more minute on this place . " That had put Mrs . Hopewell off for a few days . She had hired them in the end because there were no other applicants but she had made up her mind beforehand exactly how she would handle the woman . Since she was the type who had to be into everything , then , Mrs . Hopewell had decided , she would not only let her be into everything , she would see to it that she was into everything - she would give her the responsibility of everything , she would put her in charge . Mrs . Hopewell had no bad qualities of her own but she was able to use other people 's in such a constructive way that she had kept them four years . Nothing is perfect . This was one of Mrs . Hopewell 's favorite sayings . Another was : that is life ! And still another , the most important , was : well , other people have their opinions too . She would make these statements , usually at the table , in a tone of gentle insistence as if no one held them but her , and the large hulking Joy , whose constant outrage had obliterated every expression from her face , would stare just a little to the side of her , her eyes icy blue , with the look of someone who had achieved blindness by an act of will and means to keep it . When Mrs . Hopewell said to Mrs . Freeman that life was like that , Mrs . Freeman would say , " I always said so myself . " Nothing had been arrived at by anyone that had not first been arrived at by her . She was quicker than Mr . Freeman . When Mrs . Hopewell said to her after they had been on the place for a while , " You know , you 're the wheel behind the wheel , " and winked , Mrs . Freeman had said , " I know it . I 've always been quick . It 's some that are quicker than others . " The girl was used to this kind of dialogue for breakfast and more of it for dinner ; sometimes they had it for supper too . When they had no guest they ate in the kitchen because that was easier . Mrs . Freeman always managed to arrive at some point during the meal and to watch them finish it . She would stand in the doorway if it were summer but in the winter she would stand with one elbow on top of the refrigerator and look down at them , or she would stand by the gas heater , lifting the back of her skirt slightly . Occasionally she would stand against the wall and roll her head from side to side . At no time was she in any hurry to leave . All this was very trying on Mrs . Hopewell but she was a woman of great patience . She realized that nothing is perfect and that in the Freemans she had good country people and that if , in this day and age , you get good country people , you had better hang onto them . She had had plenty of experience with trash . Before the Freemans she had averaged one tenant family a year . The wives of these farmers were not the kind you would want to be around you for very long . Mrs . Hopewell , who had divorced her husband long ago , needed someone to walk over the fields with her ; and when Joy had to be impressed for these services , her remarks were usually so ugly and her face so glum that Mrs . Hopewell would say , " If you can 't come pleasantly , I don 't want you at all , " to which the girl , standing square and rigid - shouldered with her neck thrust slightly forward , would reply , " If you want me , here I am - LIKE I AM . " Mrs . Hopewell excused this attitude because of the leg ( which had been shot off in a hunting accident when Joy was ten ) . It was hard for Mrs . Hopewell to realize that her child was thirty - two now and that for more than twenty years she had had only one leg . She thought of her still as a child because it tore her heart to think instead of the poor stout girl in her thirties who had never danced a step or had any normal good times . Her name was really Joy but as soon as she was twenty - one and away from home , she had had it legally changed . Mrs . Hopewell was certain that she had thought and thought until she had hit upon the ugliest name in any language . Then she had gone and had the beautiful name , Joy , changed without telling her mother until after she had done it . Her legal name was Hulga . When Mrs . Hopewell thought the name , Hulga , she thought of the broad blank hull of a battleship . She would not use it . She continued to call her Joy to which the girl responded but in a purely mechanical way . Hulga had learned to tolerate Mrs . Freeman who saved her from taking walks with her mother . Even Glynese and Carramae were useful when they occupied attention that might otherwise have been directed at her . At first she had thought she could not stand Mrs . Freeman for she had found it was not possible to be rude to her . Mrs . Freeman would take on strange resentments and for days together she would be sullen but the source of her displeasure was always obscure ; a direct attack , a positive leer , blatant ugliness to her face - these never touched her . And without warning one day , she began calling her Hulga . She did not call her that in front of Mrs . Hopewell who would have been incensed but when she and the girl happened to be out of the house together , she would say something and add the name Hulga to the end of it , and the big spectacled Joy - Hulga would scowl and redden as if her privacy had been intruded upon . She considered the name her personal affair . She had arrived at it first purely on the basis of its ugly sound and then the full genius of its fitness had struck her . She had a vision of the name working like the ugly sweating Vulcan who stayed in the furnace and to whom , presumably , the goddess had to come when called . She saw it as the name of her highest creative act . One of her major triumphs was that her mother had not been able to turn her dust into Joy , but the greater one was that she had been able to turn it herself into Hulga . However , Mrs . Freeman 's relish for using the name only irritated her . It was as if Mrs . Freeman 's beady steel - pointed eyes had penetrated far enough behind her face to reach some secret fact . Something about her seemed to fascinate Mrs . Freeman and then one day Hulga realized that it was the artificial leg . Mrs . Freeman had a special fondness for the details of secret infections , hidden deformities , assaults upon children . Of diseases , she preferred the lingering or incurable . Hulga had heard Mrs . Hopewell give her the details of the hunting accident , how the leg had been literally blasted off , how she had never lost consciousness . Mrs . Freeman could listen to it any time as if it had happened an hour ago . When Hulga stumped into the kitchen in the morning ( she could walk without making the awful noise but she made it - Mrs . Hopewell was certain - because it was ugly - sounding ) , she glanced at them and did not speak . Mrs . Hopewell would be in her red kimono with her hair tied around her head in rags . She would be sitting at the table , finishing her breakfast and Mrs . Freeman would be hanging by her elbow outward from the refrigerator , looking down at the table . Hulga always put her eggs on the stove to boil and then stood over them with her arms folded , and Mrs . Hopewell would look at her - a kind of indirect gaze divided between her and Mrs . Freeman - and would think that if she would only keep herself up a little , she wouldn 't be so bad looking . There was nothing wrong with her face that a pleasant expression wouldn 't help . Mrs . Hopewell said that people who looked on the bright side of things would be beautiful even if they were not . Whenever she looked at Joy this way , she could not help but feel that it would have been better if the child had not taken the Ph . D . It had certainly not brought her out any and now that she had it , there was no more excuse for her to go to school again . Mrs . Hopewell thought it was nice for girls to go to school to have a good time but Joy had " gone through . " Anyhow , she would not have been strong enough to go again . The doctors had told Mrs . Hopewell that with the best of care , Joy might see forty - five . She had a weak heart . Joy had made it plain that if it had not been for this condition , she would be far from these red hills and good country people . She would be in a university lecturing to people who knew what she was talking about . And Mrs . Hopewell could very well picture here there , looking like a scarecrow and lecturing to more of the same . Here she went about all day in a six - year - old skirt and a yellow sweat shirt with a faded cowboy on a horse embossed on it . She thought this was funny ; Mrs . Hopewell thought it was idiotic and showed simply that she was still a child . She was brilliant but she didn 't have a grain of sense . It seemed to Mrs . Hopewell that every year she grew less like other people and more like herself - bloated , rude , and squint - eyed . And she said such strange things ! To her own mother she had said - without warning , without excuse , standing up in the middle of a meal with her face purple and her mouth half full - " Woman ! Do you ever look inside ? Do you ever look inside and see what you are not ? God ! " she had cried sinking down again and staring at her plate , " Malebranche was right : we are not our own light . We are not our own light ! " Mrs . Hopewell had no idea to this day what brought that on . She had only made the remark , hoping Joy would take it in , that a smile never hurt anyone . The girl had taken the Ph . D . in philosophy and this left Mrs . Hopewell at a complete loss . You could say , " My daughter is a nurse , " or " My daughter is a school teacher , " or evenOne day Mrs . Hopewell had picked up one of the books the girl had just put down and opening it at random , she read , " Science , on the other hand , has to assert its soberness and seriousness afresh and declare that it is concerned solely with what - is . Nothing - how can it be for science anything but a horror and a phantasm ? If science is right , then one thing stands firm : science wishes to know nothing of nothing . Such is after all the strictly scientific approach to Nothing . We know it by wishing to know nothing of Nothing . " These words had been underlined with a blue pencil and they worked on Mrs . Hopewell like some evil incantation in gibberish . She shut the book quickly and went out of the room as if she were having a chill . This morning when the girl came in , Mrs . Freeman was on Carramae . " She thrown up four times after supper , " she said , " and was up twict in the night after three o ' clock . Yesterday she didn 't do nothing but ramble in the bureau drawer . All she did . Stand up there and see what she could run up on . " " She 's got to eat , " Mrs . Hopewell muttered , sipping her coffee , while she watched Joy 's back at the stove . She was wondering what the child had said to the Bible salesman . She could not imagine what kind of a conversation she could possibly have had with him . He was a tall gaunt hatless youth who had called yesterday to sell them a Bible . He had appeared at the door , carrying a large black suitcase that weighted him so heavily on one side that he had to brace himself against the door facing . He seemed on the point of collapse but he said in a cheerful voice , " Good morning , Mrs . Cedars ! " and set the suitcase down on the mat . He was not a bad - looking young man though he had on a bright blue suit and yellow socks that were not pulled up far enough . He had prominent face bones and a streak of sticky - looking brown hair falling across his forehead . " Oh ! " he said , pretending to look puzzled but with his eyes sparkling , " I saw it said ' The Cedars ' on the mailbox so I thought you was Mrs . Cedars ! " and he burst out in a pleasant laugh . He picked up the satchel and under cover of a pant , he fell forward into her hall . It was rather as if the suitcase had moved first , jerking him after it . " Mrs . Hopewell ! " he said and grabbed her hand . " I hope you are well ! " and he laughed again and then all at once his face sobered completely . He paused and gave her a straight earnest look and said , " Lady , I 've come to speak of serious things . " " Well , come in , " she muttered , none too pleased because her dinner was almost ready . He came into the parlor and sat down on the edge of a straight chair and put the suitcase between his feet and glanced around the room as if he were sizing her up by it . Her silver gleamed on the two sideboards ; she decided he had never been in a room as elegant as this . " Mrs . Hopewell , " he began , using her name in a way that sounded almost intimate , " I know you believe in Chrustian service . " Mrs . Hopewell could not say , " My daughter is an atheist and won 't let me keep the Bible in the parlor . " She said , stiffening slightly , " I keep my Bible by my bedside . " This was not the truth . It was in the attic somewhere . He didn 't get up . He began to twist his hands and looking down at them , he said softly , " Well lady , I 'll tell you the truth - not many people want to buy one nowadays and besides , I know I 'm real simple . I don 't know how to say a thing but to say it . I 'm just a country boy . " He glanced up into her unfriendly face . " People like you don 't like to fool with country people like me ! " " Why ! " she cried , " good country people are the salt of the earth ! Besides , we all have different ways of doing , it takes all kinds to make the world go ' round . That 's life ! " His face had brightened . " I didn 't intraduce myself , " he said . " I 'm Manley Pointer from out in the country around Willohobie , not even from a place , just from near a place . " " You wait a minute , " she said . " I have to see about my dinner . " She went out to the kitchen and found Joy standing near the door where she had been listening . He had opened the suitcase and was sitting with a Bible on each knee . " I appreciate your honesty , " he said . " You don 't see any more real honest people unless you go way out in the country . " " I guess a lot of boys come telling you they 're working their way through college , " he said , " but I 'm not going to tell you that . Somehow , " he said , " I don 't want to go to college . I want to devote my life to Chrustian service . See , " he said , lowering his voice , " I got this heart condition . I may not live long . When you know it 's something wrong with you and you may not live long , well then , lady … " He paused , with his mouth open , and stared at her . He and Joy had the same condition ! She knew that her eyes were filling with tears but she collected herself quickly and murmured , " Won 't you stay for dinner ? We 'd love to have you ! " and was sorry the instant she heard herself say it . Joy had given him one look on being introduced to him and then throughout the meal had not glanced at him again . He had addressed several remarks to her , which she had pretended not to hear . Mrs . Hopewell could not understand deliberate rudeness , although she lived with it , and she felt she had always to overflow with hospitality to make up for Joy 's lack of courtesy . She urged him to talk about himself and he did . He said he was the seventh child of twelve and that his father had been crushed under a tree when he himself was eight years old . He had been crushed very badly , in fact , almost cut in two and was practically not recognizable . His mother had got along the best she could by hard working and she had always seen that her children went to Sunday School and that they read the Bible every evening . He was now nineteen years old and he had been selling Bibles for four months . In that time he had sold seventy - seven Bibles and had the promise of two more sales . He wanted to become a missionary because he thought that was the way you could do most for people . " He who losest his life shall find it , " he said simply and he was so sincere , so genuine and earnest that Mrs . Hopewell would not for the world have smiled . He prevented his peas from sliding onto the table by blocking them with a piece of bread which he later cleaned his plate with . She could see Joy observing sidewise how he handled his knife and fork and she saw too that every few minutes , the boy would dart a keen appraising glance at the girl as if he were trying to attract her attention . After dinner Joy cleared the dishes off the table and disappeared and Mrs . Hopewell was left to talk with him . He told her again about his childhood and his father 's accident and about various things that had happened to him . Every five minutes or so she would stifle a yawn . He sat for two hours until finally she told him she must go because she had an appointment in town . He packed his Bibles and thanked her and prepared to leave , but in the doorway he stopped " Nome , he 's the one that goes to chiropractor school , " Mrs . Freeman said . " She had this sty . Been had it two days . So she says when he brought her in the other night he says , ' Lemme get rid of that sty for you , ' and she says , ' How ? ' and he says , ' You just lay yourself down acrost the seat of that car and I 'll show you . ' So she done it and he popped her neck . Kept on a - popping it several times until she made him quit . This morning , " Mrs . Freeman said , " she ain 't got no sty . She ain 't got no traces of a sty . " " Lyman said it just felt more sacred to him , " Mrs . Freeman said . " The doctor wants Carramae to eat prunes . Says instead of medicine . Says them cramps is coming from pressure . You know where I think it is ? " Hulga had cracked her two eggs into a saucer and was bringing them to the table along with a cup of coffee that she had filled too full . She sat down carefully and began to eat , meaning to keep Mrs . Freeman there by questions if for any reason she showed an inclination to leave . She could perceive her mother 's eye on her . The first round - about question would be about the Bible salesman and she did not wish to bring it on . " How did he pop her neck ? " she asked . Mrs . Freeman went into a description of how he had popped her neck . She said he owned a ' 55 Mercury but that Glynese said she would rather marry a man with only a ' 36 Plymouth who would be married by a preacher . The girl asked what if he had a ' 32 Plymouth and Mrs . Freeman said what Glynese had said was a ' 36 Plymouth . Mrs . Hopewell said there were not many girls with Glynese 's common sense . She said what she admired in those girls was their common sense . She said that reminded her that they had had a nice visitor yesterday , a young man selling Bibles . " Lord , " she said , " he bored me to death but he was so sincere and genuine I couldn 't be rude to him . He was just good country people , you know , " she said , " - just the salt of the earth . " " I seen him walk up , " Mrs . Freeman said , " and then later - I seen him walk off , " and Hulga could feel the slight shift in her voice , the slight insinuation , that he had not walked off alone , had he ? Her face remained expressionless but the color rose into her neck and she seemed to swallow it down with the next spoonful of egg . Mrs . Freeman was looking at her as if they had a secret together . Hulga got up and stumped , with about twice the noise that was necessary , into her room and locked the door . She was to meet the Bible salesman at ten o ' clock at the gate . She had thought about it half the night . She had started thinking of it as a great joke and then she had begun to see profound implications in it . She had lain in bed imagining dialogues for them that were insane on the surface but that reached below the depths that no Bible salesman would be aware of . Their conversation yesterday had been of this kind . He had stopped in front of her and had simply stood there . His face was bony and sweaty and bright , with a little pointed nose in the center of it , and his look was different from what it had been at the dinner table . He was gazing at her with open curiosity , with fascination , like a child watching a new fantastic animal at the zoo , and he was breathing as if he had run a great distance to reach her . His gaze seemed somehow familiar but she could not think where she had been regarded with it before . For almost a minute he didn 't say anything . Then on what seemed an insuck of breath , he whispered , " You ever ate a chicken that was two days old ? " The girl looked at him stonily . He might have just put this question up for consideration at the meeting of a philosophical association . " Yes , " she presently replied as if she had considered it from all angles . " It must have been mighty small ! " he said triumphantly and shook all over with little nervous giggles , getting very red in the face , and subsiding finally into his gaze of complete admiration , while the girl 's expression remained exactly the same . " How old are you ? " he asked softly . His smiles came in succession like waves breaking on the surface of a little lake . " I see you got a wooden leg , " he said . " I think you 're real brave . I think you 're real sweet . " " Hulga , " he murmured , " Hulga . Hulga . I never heard of anybody name Hulga before . You 're shy , aren 't you , Hulga ? " he asked . She nodded , watching his large red hand on the handle of the giant valise . " I like girls that wear glasses , " he said . " I think a lot . I 'm not like these people that a serious thought don 't ever enter their heads . It 's because I may die . " " Listen , " he said , " don 't you think some people was meant to meet on account of what all they got in common and all ? Like they both think serious thoughts and all ? " He shifted the valise to his other hand so that the hand nearest her was free . He caught hold of her elbow and shook it a little . " I don 't work on Saturday , " he said . " I like to walk in the woods and see what Mother Nature is wearing . O ' er the hills and far away . Picnics and things . Couldn 't we go on a picnic tomorrow ? Say yes , Hulga , " he said and gave her a dying look as if he felt his insides about to drop out of him . He had even seemed to sway slightly toward her . During the night she had imagined that she seduced him . She imagined that the two of them walked on the place until they came to the storage barn beyond the two back fields and there , she imagined , that things came to such a pass that she very easily seduced him and that then , of course , she had to reckon with his remorse . True genius can get an idea across even to an inferior mind . She imagined that she took his remorse in hand and changed it into a deeper understanding of life . She took all his shame away and turned it into something useful . She set off for the gate at exactly ten o ' clock , escaping without drawing Mrs . Hopewell 's attention . She didn 't take anything to eat , forgetting that food is usually taken on a picnic . She wore a pair of slacks and a dirty white shirt , and as an afterthought , she had put some Vapex on the collar of it since she did not own any perfume . When she reached the gate no one was there . She looked up and down the empty highway and had the furious feeling that she had been tricked , that he only meant to make her walk to the gate after the idea of him . Then suddenly he stood up , very tall , from behind a bush on the opposite embankment . Smiling , he lifted his hat which was new and wide - brimmed . He had not worn it yesterday and she wondered if he had bought it for the occasion . It was toast - colored with a red and white band around it and was slightly too large for him . He stepped from behind the bush still carrying the black valise . He had on the same suit and the same yellow socks sucked down in his shoes from walking . He crossed the highway and said , " I knew you 'd come ! " He took her elbow , smiling down on her as if he could not stop . " You can never tell when you 'll need the word of God , Hulga , " he said . She had a moment in which she doubted that this was actually happening and then they began to climb the embankment . They went down into the pasture toward the woods . The boy walked lightly by her side , bouncing on his toes . The valise did not seem to be heavy today ; he even swung it . They crossed half the pasture without saying anything and then , putting his hand easily on the small of her back , he asked softly , " Where does your wooden leg join on ? " She turned an ugly red and glared at him and for an instant the boy looked abashed . " I didn 't mean you no harm , " he said . " I only meant you 're so brave and all . I guess God takes care of you . " She walked on and in a second he was bouncing at her side , fanning with his hat . " That 's very unusual for a girl , " he remarked , watching her out of the corner of his eye . When they reached the edge of the wood , he put his hand on her back again and drew her against him without a word and kissed her heavily . The kiss , which had more pressure than feeling behind it , produced that extra surge of adrenalin in the girl that enables one to carry a packed trunk out of a burning house , but in her , the power went at once to the brain . Even before he released her , her mind , clear and detached and ironic anyway , was regarding him from a great distance , with amusement but with pity . She had never been kissed before and she was pleased to discover that it was an unexceptional experience and all a matter of the mind 's control . Some people might enjoy drain water if they were told it was vodka . When the boy , looking expectant but uncertain , pushed her gently away , she turned and walked on , saying nothing as if such business , for her , were common enough . He came along panting at her side , trying to help her when he saw a root that she might trip over . He caught and held back the long swaying blades of thorn vine until she had passed beyond them . She led the way and he came breathing heavily behind her . Then they came out on a sunlit hillside , sloping softly into another one a little smaller . Beyond , they could see the rusted top of the old barn where the extra hay was stored . The hill was sprinkled with small pink weeds . " Then you ain 't saved ? " he asked suddenly , stopping . The girl smiled . It was the first time she had smiled at him at all . " In my economy , " she said , " I 'm saved and you are damned but I told you I didn 't believe in God . " Nothing seemed to destroy the boy 's look of admiration . He gazed at her now as if the fantastic animal at the zoo had put its paw through the bars and given him a loving poke . She thought he looked as if he wanted to kiss her again and she walked on before he had the chance . They made for it rapidly as if it might slide away like a train . It was a large two - story barn , cool and dark inside . The boy pointed up the ladder that led into the loft and said , " It 's too bad we can 't go up there . " " You never can tell , " he said , panting . After he had got into the loft , he was a few seconds catching his breath . She had sat down in a pile of straw . A wide sheath of sunlight , filled with dust particles , slanted over her . She lay back against a bale , her face turned away , looking out the front opening of the barn where hay was thrown from a wagon into the loft . The two pink - speckled hillsides lay back against a dark ridge of woods . The sky was cloudless and cold blue . The boy dropped down by her side and put one arm under her and the other over her and began methodically kissing her face , making little noises like a fish . He did not remove his hat but it was pushed far enough back not to interfere . When her glasses got in his way , he took them off of her and slipped them into his pocket . The girl at first did not return any of the kisses but presently she began to and after she had put several on his cheek , she reached his lips and remained there , kissing him again and again as if she were trying to draw all the breath out of him . His breath was clear and sweet like a child 's and the kisses were sticky like a child 's . He mumbled about loving her and about knowing when he first seen her that he loved her , but the mumbling was like the sleepy fretting of a child being put to sleep by his mother . Her mind , throughout this , never stopped or lost itself for a second to her feelings . She was always careful how she committed herself . " In a sense , " she began , " if you use the word loosely , you might say that . But it 's not a word I use . I don 't have illusions . I 'm one of those people who see through to nothing . " The girl looked at him almost tenderly . " You poor baby , " she murmured . " It 's just as well you don 't understand , " and she pulled him by the neck , face - down , against her . " We are all damned , " she said , " but some of us have taken off our blindfolds and see that there 's nothing to see . It 's a kind of salvation . " " Yes , " she said and added , " in a sense . But I must tell you something . There mustn 't be anything dishonest between us . " She lifted his head and looked him in the eye . " I am thirty years old , " she said . " I have a number of degrees . " The boy 's look was irritated but dogged . " I don 't care , " he said . " I don 't care a thing about what all you done . I just want to know if you love me or don ' tcher ? " and he caught her to him and wildly planted her face with kisses until she said , " Yes , yes . " She smiled , looking dreamily out on the shifty landscape . She had seduced him without even making up her mind to try . " How ? " she asked , feeling that he should be delayed a little . The girl uttered a sharp little cry and her face instantly drained of color . The obscenity of the suggestion was not what shocked her . As a child she had sometimes been subject to feelings of shame but education had removed the last traces of that as a good surgeon scrapes for cancer ; she would no more have felt it over what he was asking than she would have believed in his Bible . But she was as sensitive about the artificial leg as a peacock about his tail . No one ever touched it but her . She took care of it as someone else would his soul , in private and almost with her own eyes turned away . " No , " she said . The boy gave her a long penetrating look . " Because , " he said , " it 's what makes you different . You ain 't like anybody else . " She sat staring at him . There was nothing about her face or her round freezing - blue eyes to indicate that this had moved her ; but she felt as if her heart had stopped and left her mind to pump her blood . She decided that for the first time in her life she was face to face with real innocence . This boy , with an instinct that came from beyond wisdom , had touched the truth about her . When after a minute , she said in a hoarse high voice , " All right , " it was like surrendering to him completely . It was like losing her own life and finding it again , miraculously , in his . Very gently , he began to roll the slack leg up . The artificial limb , in a white sock and brown flat shoe , was bound in a heavy material like canvas and ended in an ugly jointure where it was attached to the stump . The boy 's face and his voice were entirely reverent as he uncovered it and said , " Now show me how to take it off and on . " She took it off for him and put it back on again and then he took it off himself , handling it as tenderly as if it were a real one . " See ! " he said with a delighted child 's face . " Now I can do it myself ! " " Put it back on , " she said . She was thinking that she would run away with him and that every night he would take the leg off and every morning put it back on again . " Put it back on , " she said . She gave a little cry of alarm but he pushed her down and began to kiss her again . Without the leg she felt entirely dependent on him . Her brain seemed to have stopped thinking altogether and to be about some other function that it was not very good at . Different expressions raced back and forth over her face . Every now and then the boy , his eyes like two steel spikes , would glance behind him where the leg stood . Finally she pushed him off and said , " Put it back on me now . " " Wait , " he said . He leaned the other way and pulled the valise toward him and opened it . It had a pale blue spotted lining and there were only two Bibles in it . He took one of these out and opened the cover of it . It was hollow and contained a pocket flask of whiskey , a pack of cards , and a small blue box with printing on it . He laid these out in front of her one at a time in an evenly - spaced row , like one presenting offerings at the shrine of a goddess . He put the blue box in her hand . THIS PRODUCT TO BE USED ONLY FOR THE PREVENTION OF DISEASE , she read , and dropped it . The boy was unscrewing the top of the flask . He stopped and pointed , with a smile , to the deck of cards . It was not an ordinary deck but one with an obscene picture on the back of each card . " Take a swig , " he said , offering her the bottle first . He held it in front of her , but like one mesmerized , she did not move . The boy cocked his head . He looked as if he were just beginning to understand that she might be trying to insult him . " Yeah , " he said , curling his lip slightly , " but it ain 't held me back none . I 'm as good as you any day in the week . " He pushed it farther away with his foot . " Come on now , let 's begin to have us a good time , " he said coaxingly . " We ain 't got to know one another good yet . " Her face was almost purple . " You 're a Christian ! " she hissed . " You 're a fine Christian ! You 're just like them all - say one thing and do another . You 're a perfect Christian , you 're … " The boy 's mouth was set angrily . " I hope you don 't think , " he said in a lofty indignant tone , " that I believe in that crap ! I may sell Bibles but I know which end is up and I wasn 't born yesterday and I know where I 'm going ! " He slammed the lid shut and snatched up the valise and swung it down the hole and then stepped through himself . When all of him had passed but his head , he turned and regarded her with a look that no longer had any admiration in it . " I 've gotten a lot of interesting things , " he said . " One time I got a woman 's glass eye this way . And you needn 't to think you 'll catch me because Pointer ain 't really my name . I use a different name at every house I call at and don 't stay nowhere long . And I 'll tell you another thing , Hulga , " he said , using the name as if he didn 't think much of it , " you ain 't so smart . I been believing in nothing ever since I was born ! " and then the toast - colored hat disappeared down the hole and the girl was left , sitting on the straw in the dusty sunlight . When she turned her churning face toward the opening , she saw his blue figure struggling successfully over the green speckled lake . " Why , that looks like that nice dull young man that tried to sell me a Bible yesterday , " Mrs . Hopewell said , squinting . " He must have been selling them to the Negroes back in there . He was so simple , " she said , " but I guess the world would be better off if we were all that simple . " Mrs . Freeman 's gaze drove forward and just touched him before he disappeared under the hill . Then she returned her attention to the evil - smelling onion shoot she was lifting from the ground . " Some can 't be that simple , " she said . " I know I never could . " |
As of right now , I 'm down 41 pounds ! 59 to go before I see if I want to keep going . Only 16 pounds away from being in the 100 's ! I 'm wearing clothes I haven 't worn in ages . I guess one good thing about never throwing anything away is that I have plenty to wear between now and my goal weight and wont have to waste money on the " in between " clothes . My Emma just turned 4 at the end of March . She amuses me . When I first had my surgery , I wasn 't allowed to lift her or her sister for 4 weeks . That was so hard for all of us . Emma didn 't really understand and would get upset , and I decided to show her that I had " boo boos " . She saw my incisions when they were still pretty fresh , and she understood that it hurt , and she had to be careful not to hurt me more . Now , every once in a while when I lift her or squeeze her tightly against me , she 'll tell me to be careful not to hurt the boo boos on my belly . She wants to see them to make sure that they 're all better , and when I show her the scars , she asks me if it hurts and if I 'm going back to the doctor . She 's such a sweet girl , very concerned about the plight of others . For the record , I 'm healing well . Of course I have scars , but they 'll fade eventually . I 'm losing weight steadily . Not as fast as I would like , but it 's coming off and staying off , and that 's really what matters . I need to learn to have a little patience . This morning was the Big Day ! I was up by 5 am , and ready to leave for the sugery center . Got there aroud 6 : 30 . Signed some papers and sat down to wait . When I finally got called back to be prepped for surgery , it still hadn 't sunk in … My blood pressure was lower than usual , which surprised me . 104 / 50 . You 'd think , given the nerves and stress and excitement that someone in my position would have , that it 'd be spiking , and not dropping … oh , well . I did feel pretty relaxed . Until the anesthesiologist came in … Dr . Monash came in , too , and discussed pain meds options . He usually gives either Percoset or Vicodin . I told him I already have both at home from when I got my wisdom teeth out , but he said he 'd give me some more , anyway . And then he went on to tell us that Vicodin has a street value of aboug $ 5 / pill ! That 's a nice piece of information for a doctor to give his patients ! Oh , well . I 'm pretty sure he just filled us in on that to lighten the mood a bit . He 's a nice guy . When he left the room , Danny looked at me and said , " You never told me he was good looking … " I laughed , and then he said , " NOW I know why you kept going back and were trying so hard to get this sugery ! " Yes , folks , he 's that good looking . haha A little after 7 : 30 they wheeled my bed out of the pre - op room and down to the operating room , where I had to get on another bed … getting strapped down is the last thing I remember . And then I woke up , and the first cohearant thought in my head was " dear God , what did I do to myself ? " I felt like I was choking … they must have just barely taken the tube out of my throat . It 's still a little sore . My stomach dind 't hurt much at the time , but I had ( and have ) a horrible pain in my shoulder / back and chest from where they injected gas ( CO2 ) into me . Aparently , it will take 24 hours to get absorbed into my system , and I 'll just have to suffer until then . We stopped to pick up our kids on the way home from the surgery center . They had such a blast with Shelli and Jennifer last night . I was so excited to see them and hug them . I wont be able to pick them up for a month . It 'll be hard enough for me , but they wont understand . And I don 't know how to explain it . I got home and climbed the stairs to my bedroom . Slowly . Danny got me some water and a Vicodin , and I fell asleep for a couple of hours . When I woke up , I called to Danny to come and help me out of the bed and back down the stairs so that I could be around people . And I wanted to call my mom . So , then the girls woke up from their nap , and Emma was running a muck around the house , and slammed into the couch where I was laying . Danny cautioned her to be gentle because I have " boo - boos " on my belly . So , then she wanted to see ! I lifted my shirt and let her look at my incisions and told her not to touch . Looking at the 5 incisions , I wondered to myself if they are going to leave big scars . Emma wanted to look at them several times during the course of the afternoon and evening . So , let me tell you what I 've ingested today . It 's not much . The first couple of days are all clear liquids , so I had a glass of water ( about 16 ounces , total ) , about a tablespoon of jello that I mixed with some liquid protein when I made it , about 3 sips of chicken brotThe Big Day So , tomorrow is the big day . I go in for my surgery at 6 : 30 in the morning , surgery is at 7 : 30 , and I should be home by 9 : 30 in the morning . My kids are spending the night at the pastor 's house . His wife , Shelli , and their daughter are camping out on the living room floor with them . I hope they 're able to get some sleep ! It 's weird not having the girls in the house , quiet . I spent the majority of the evening trying to relax and mentally prepare myself for tomorrow . I 'm a little nervous , but mostly I think it just hasn 't sunk in yet . I spent a year trying to get approved and jumping through all the hoops to get to this point , fighting and trying and agonizing ; then , I suddenly get approved and scheduled for surgery within a week . It 's a bit shocking ! But I 'm ready . Ready to get rid of the weight and move on with my life ; ready to start living and feeling comfortable in my own skin . I went out and got all the food I 'll need for the first several days : protein shake mix and unflavored powder , protein drinks , " clear fluids " , eggs , jello , pudding mix , etc . It 's not going to be easy , but I believe it will be so worth it ! So , here we go . Before pictures … I can 't believe I 'm posting these on the internet for the world to see … Posted in UncategorizedTags : insurance , kids , lap - band , patience , realize band , surgery , weight , weight loss Chapter Six … For once , the screams that woke me were not my own . I lay in my bed and listened for a moment , eyes wide , trying to figure out where the sound was coming from . There were two voices , one low and deadly , the other truly terrified . " She 's gone , " the man 's low voice said , " You can 't bring her back , and that girl cannot replace her ! " I heard a slap , and then a soft gasp . " If I 'd wanted another child , we 'd have had one by now ! " " Please , " I heard her soft whimper . I climbed out of my bed and opened my door to find the Clark 's door open , their light on . I tip toed down the hall and peered around the corner , scared of what I might find . Mr . Clark 's back was to the door , Jessica 's terror - stricken face was streaked with tears , and a bruise was already forming on her left cheek bone . He started screaming at her when she interrupted him , and I couldn 't understand what he was saying . He hit her again , and she slammed into the wall by their window and slumped down to the floor . My mouth fell open , making a small popping sound that caught their attention . I took one look at his face as he turned to face me , and then flew down the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me . His eyes were so much like the man 's in my nightmare , and I was instantly afraid for my life . The door was locked , but it didn 't stop me for long . I left it open behind me as I flew down the porch steps and across the front lawn . I didn 't know where I was headed until I got to the stable door . I flung it open , glanced back at the house to make sure I wasn 't being followed , then slid it shut behind me . I was engulfed in darkness . I could hear the soft snickering of the horses as I interrupted their sleep , and reached toward the closest one , feeling my way down the row of stalls toward the end as my eyes adjusted to the darkness . Annabell 's head was reaching out over the door to her stall before I reached it , her body blacker than the darkness . I put my hand on her neck as I slid the deadbolt on the door , opened it , and went inside . Annabell nudged my pocket with her nose , looking for the ever - present treat . My pocket was empty . I 'm sorry , I thought at her . I trailed my hand down the length of her strong body , keeping my bearing in the darknes " Lizzy ? " Jessica called out timidly , " Are you in here ? " I heard her gentle steps coming toward my hiding place , but I still didn 't move . Annabell 's head peered over her door at Jessica and bobbed up and down impatiently . Traitor , I thought . " Lizzy , please come out . Everything is fine , I promise . " I pulled the blanket over my head and held my legs tighter to myself . Her voice was so close to me now , and I knew it wouldn 't be long before I could see her face , and I didn 't want to look at what he 'd done to her . The door creaked open and then closed . " Lizzy , " she pleaded . " Please , come in and get some breakfast , at least . " I shook my head . " Lizzy … " She pulled the blanket away from my face , and I shut my eyes tighter . I felt her hand on my hair as she knelt beside me . " I 'm so sorry , Lizzy . I 'm so sorry . " She cried softly . Slowly , I lifted my head and looked into her eyes . Agony . Bruises covered most of the left side of her face , her eye was swollen almost completely shut . I threw myself into her arms , almost knocking her over , and clung to her with all my strength . I hated Mr . Clark so much my tiny body could hardly contain it . My body shook with rage at the very thought of him . How could anyone hurt someone as sweet as his wife ? Jessica hugged me close , stood up , and carried me back to the house , stroking my hair and trying to soothe my sobs the whole way . When we reached the house , she sat me on my breakfast stool and set to work making my breakfast . While I ate , she went to the freezer and pulled out a bag of frozen veggetables , placing it gingerly on her left eye . My eyes filled with tears again , and I found that I couldn 't eat anymore . Even the bacon sat untouched on my plate . At dinner that night , I ate as fast as I could and then exiled myself to the stables and Annabell . I refused to be in the same room as Mr . Clark for any longer than absolutely necessary . The next day was Saturday , and Mr . Clark was home from work . I spent every moment except for meals with Annabell . She seemed to be able to sense that something was wrong , and she laid her head gently on my shoulder as I stood on my crate in front of her . It felt like a hug . I grabbed her around her silky black neck , trying to hold back my tears . Jessica came out to me after lunch , carrying my new riding pants , boots , gloves and helmet . " Shall we ? " she asked with a half smile . She seemed to try not to move the left side of her face much , as it was still bruised . I didn 't move . " Don 't you want to learn to ride Annabell ? " she asked . I looked at Annabell , and then the clothes draped over her arm , and then pointedly at the left side of her face . It was my fault . All my fault . I shook my head . " Lizzy … Come on , I 'll show you where you can change out here . There 's a little bathroom over in the corner . " She held out her hand to me , but I didn 't take it . I just shook my head again . There was no way I was going to give him an excuse to ruin her beautiful face again . She knelt in front of me and looked me in the eyes . " Please ? " She asked . I put my right hand gently on her left cheek and shook my head again . " Lizzy , look at me . This " - she pointed to her face - " is not your fault ! " I shook my head again , and then moved my hand from her face and wrapped my arms around her neck . The sobs shook me , and she stroked my hair and tried to soothe me . " Okay , okay , " she said after a moment . " No riding today . Maybe tomorrow . " She patted my back and released me . I thought I saw her wipe tears from her eyes as she walked away from me . When I was getting ready for bed that night , I found the riding gear on a shelf in the closet . I picked it up , careful not to mess anything up , and took it to her room . I put it on the corner of her bed and went back to my own room . Climbing into my bed , I curled up into a tight ball with my back to the door . My heart ached to learn how to ride Annabell and to make Jessica happy , but I couldn 't bear to see her hurting again . Thinking of what had happened to her , I was filled with rage again toward Mr . Clark . Next time , I decided , I would find a way to stop him and save her . Somehow . I would not let her be like the woman in my dream . I drifted into restless sleep . " Lizzy ? " I groaned and slowly opened my eyes , only to find that the blackness didn 't fade . No light came in through the window , and none from the hallway on the other side of the door . What time was it ? " Lizzy , can I come in ? " It was Jessica ; I could barely make out the shape of her face in the darkness as she peered around the door into my room . I sat up in answer , propping myself up on my pillows . I reached over and turned on the small lamp on the end table , squinting my eyes at the sudden brightness . Jessica opened the door enough to come into my room , then closed it behind her . There were fresh tears on her cheeks as she walked slowly to my bed and sat down . In her arms , she held my riding gear . " Please , Lizzy … please ride with me . It 's been so long since I 've even had the desire to get on one of the horses , and now that you 're here … " her voice faded to a whisper as she spoke , and then she stopped . She was quiet for a moment , then took a deep breath . " Did I ever tell you about my daughter Jane ? " I thought of my first day here , seeing the picture on the porch . After finding out that she wasn 't here anymore , I didn 't think twice about the pretty little girl in the photograph . " Jane wasn 't much older than you when she died . " Died ? My eyes popped open and I started paying closer attention to what she was saying about the girl . " Jane loved the horses like you do , and she would come to the stables and brush them and feed them apples and carrots and sugar cubes . We would ride together almost every day . Her favorite was a speckled gelding named Pepper . He was young and energetic , and Jane spent as much time with him as you do with Annabell . " Jessica smiled wistfully for a moment , and then her eyes filled with tears . Her voice was thick with emotion as she told the rest . " One day , when Jane and I were out for a ride in the fields , Pepper got spooked by a snake in the grass and took off like a flash . Jane was a good rider , but Pepper was out of control . He ran for miles , and I tried to keep up . I could see Jane , her head low , her feet tight in the stirrups . She was holding on for dear life , but I imagined that she was having a bit too much fun , considering the situation . I called to her , telling her to try to turn Pepper around , but when she pulled on the reins , he reared up and knocked her off . That 's the moment he finally decided to turn around and come back home . He turned while he was still on his hind legs , and when his front hooves came down , they landed on her chest . " Her voice cracked , and she bowed her head and sobbed quietly . I wondered why she would want to ride again at all … " I haven 't been on one of the horses since , but seeing you with Annabell , how much you both seem to love each other … it reminds me of how happy we were when we were riding together . I want to feel that again . And I love to watch your face when you 're with Annabell and the other horses , how happy you are . And when you sit on Annabell 's back … it 's always so exciting for you . Can you imagine how it would feel to have her moving under you , following your every command ? It 's so amazing , and I want to share it with you , like I did with Jane . " She smiled sadly and curled her hand around my cheek , " Would you try , just once ? For me ? " I reached up and put my small hand on her battered face , and she covered it with her own . After a moment , she reached over and pulled me onto her lap . " This has nothing to do with you , Lizzy , " she said gently , " When Jane was killed , James took it even harder than I did . She was his little girl , and they were always very close . He became very angry and started drinking . I think he blames me for Jane 's death , though he would never say it ; he shows it in other ways . " She sighed . " This is probably more than you need to know , so I wont tell you anymore … Will you please just think about learning how to ride Annabell ? It would make both of us so happy . " She smiled and squeezed me gently . I wanted to make her happy , so I nodded my agreement . Her smile widened and she squeezed me again before sliding me off of her lap and standing from the bed . Setting my riding gear on the corner of my bed , she walked quickly to the door , stopping to smile at me again before she closed it silently behind her . I reached over and turned out my light , suddenly excited and extremly terrified at the prospect of riding Annabell . I wondered if I 'd be able to fall back to sleep , but my eye lids were heavy , and it didn 't take long . I was awake and waiting impatiently for Mr . Clark to leave for work in the morning , and as soon as I heard the fancy limo pull away from the house , I hurried to the bathroom to take my shower and put on my riding gear . When Jessica came in to see me , I was waiting on my bed with my towel around my head , and the hair brush and ties on the bed beside me . She smiled broadly at my apparent impatience and came into the room . Her face was carefully covered with make - up , and I could barely see the dark bruises around her eye and cheek . There wasn 't much she could do to hide the swelling on her lower lip , so I tried not to look at it . I smiled back at her as she crossed the room and sat behind me on the bed to put my hair in the braids that curved around my ears . When she was finished , I hopped off the bed , grabbing my riding helmet and heading for the door , impatient to have breakfast and get to the stables . I ate in a hurry , then grabbed an apple from " Why don 't you go ahead down to the stables , I 'll be there in a minute . I 'm sure Annabell would like a snack before breakfast . " She winked at me , and I hugged her around the leg quickly before taking off out the door . When I got to the stable , Annabell was waiting for me . She seemed excited , too , her head stretched toward me , her foot pawing at the ground , her black eyes wide and shining . As I got closer , she bobbed her head up and down impatiently , and pawed the ground some more . I smiled at her and reached into my pocket , pulling out one of the apple pieces and holding it out to her before I was even at the stall . She stretched her head out even further , impatient . I ran the last few steps and she took the apple gently from my hand , chewing and bobbing her head , content . I rubbed her nose gently , then scratched the star between her eyes . Annabell 's ears twitched and turned toward the door ; I looked up to see Jessica opening it and coming in . I grinned at her , then turned back to Annabell . " Do you want to help me feed the horses ? Then I 'll show you how to get Annabell ready for riding . " I patted Annabell 's neck one more time , then hopped down off of my crate and skipped over to where Jessica was scooping oats into a big bucket . She shoveled some more , dropped the big scoop in the bucket , and then lugged it to the first stall . She held the bucket , and I scooped the oats from the big bucket into the individual buckets in the stalls . By this time , all of the horses were hanging their heads over their stall doors , bobbing their heads and pawing impatiently . After we made our rounds with the oats , we filled the water buckets . I watched her carefully as she put the bit and bridle on first her horse , Jasper , a golden - brown Arabian , and then Annabell . When it came time to buckle the saddle , Jasper pushed out his gut stubbornly , not letting her get it tightened around him it wouldn 't slide sideways later . Jessica turned her back to him , hand still on the buckle , pretending that she 'd given up . TheThe afternoon passed quickly , Annabell seeming to feel as invigorated and excited as I did , and the sun was starting to sink into the western sky before I realized it . Jessica and I were walking the horses slowly for a moment when my stomach growled . Jessica glanced at me and I giggled . I hadn 't realized I was hungry until just then . " How about we head back to the house , get the horses brushed down a little bit , and then have some dinner ? " Jessica asked . " Mr . Clark will be home soon , and he 'll be hungry , too . " The sound of his name sent me into a panic . We stayed out too long ; what if dinner wasn 't ready when he got home ? Would he be angry ? Angry enough to hurt Jessica ? I kicked Annabell into a trot , then kicked her again , not wanting to waste any time . " Lizzy , slow down ! You haven 't been riding long enough to go this fast ! " She was right beside me , one hand reaching toward me , as if she could slow me down my sheer will . She was right , though , I didn 't feel in control of Annabell at this speed . I pulled lightly on her reins and she slowed immediately , reacting to my slightest touch . I walked her up to my crate , then swung myself off of her back , landing squarely on my feet on top of the crate . I felt pride and terror mixed together . Pride at how well Jessica seemed to think I did for my first day out riding , and terror at the though of Mr . Clark coming home . I refused to let him ruin this most perfect day , and determined to get the horses in their stalls and dinner on the table in record time . Jessica didn 't seem to be as anxious as I was . She took her time taking the saddles off the horses and hanging them over the stall door leading into the tack room . The horses stood lazily as she took the bits from their mouths and the harnesses from over their heads and ears . They walked into their stalls without the slightest bit of encouragement . Jessica walked out of the stable and came back a moment later with my crate , placing it gently on the floor of Annabell 's stall . " Here , " she said , hPosted in fictionTags : abuse , adoption , book , fiction , foster care , horses , kids , novel Yesterday , we aquired a daschund puppy from a friend from our church on a trial run to see how our boxer , Copper , does with a smaller dog . When we brought him home , we took him out to the back yard where Copper was . My husband let him off the chain , and put the little pup down on the ground . So far , Copper is far to excited to be able to handle not hurting Jasper , which is what I decided to name the pup . He 's a reddish brown on most of his body , and that color is mixed with black on his back . He 's got these super long ears that I think he 's going to step on when he gets older ! He 's so adorable . Anyway , Copper wanted to paw at him and carry him around in his mouth , and we just can 't be having that ! So , poor Jasper was hiding under my husband 's legs as he crouched down to try to control Copper . So , we took Jasper in the house , and let him play with our girls . Victoria seems totally unimpressed with him , choosing to ignore him more than anything else . Emma is totally enamored with him ! She calls him " my puppy " . When we brought him in the house from his first visit with Copper , Jasper sat on the couch next to Emma , and then curled up behind her . She ate her dinner , he was right there beside her . We tried to feed him for the first time in his new home , and he wouldn 't touch the food until Emma took some in her hand and fed it to him . Last night , when it was time for her to go to bed , she wanted Jasper to sleep with her . We agreed , thinking , if she didn 't go to sleep , we 'd just take the puppy out . So , we brought him upstairs and laid him in her bed . He cried and cried when my husband stood up from sitting on the bed , and stopped as soon as he sat back down . Danny went to leave the room , and Emma started crying when Jasper did . I asked her if she wanted Jasper to stay with her , and she nodded , so I asked her why she was crying , and she said , " he wants daddy ! " and cried all the harder . It was so heart wrenching . So , Daddy stayed with Emma until Jasper when to sleep , and she was just beaming withPosted in UncategorizedTags : boxer , daschund , dog , Emma , kids , pet , potty training , puppies , Victoria So , I was driving my minivan with my two girls in the back seat , on the way back from picking up groceries . Now , Emma is almost 4 , and Victoria just turned 2 , and she can 't quite grasp the difference between saying " mama " and " Emma " , so they both come out " Mama " . Now , she 's in her car seat yelling " Mama ! MAMA ! ! " So , I say " What ? " and Emma replies , " Not you ! " And I laughed at her , thinking , " am I not the mama ? ? " . Then Emma says , " I ' M mama ! " So , if she 's mama , than who am I ? I asked her this , and she states , " I 'm Mama , YOU are Emma ! " About 2 minutes later , the part that just warmed my heart , Emma turns to her baby sister and says in her sweet voice , " I love you , Victoria ( E - poya ) . I love you so much . " I really hope that , that never changes . That I can raise my kids to love each other , and support each other and depend on each other . I really want to instill good values in my children , and all I can do is hope and pray that when the time comes for them to make their own decisions and go their own ways , that they 'll remember what they were taught and how they were raised , and not stray from those values . So , I was thinking that it might be nice to share our Thanksgiving fun with everyone . I grew up as the youngest of 3 girls , and we always had so much fun for Thanksgiving . We lived in " up - state " New York , about 65 - 70 miles north of New York City ( not even close to really being up - state , but the City folk considered us " up " ) , and my dad 's best friend from his Army days lived in Connecticut . He and his wife had a son , and they were all practically family . We would alternate traveling every year and spend Thanksgiving with them , so it was usually a pretty decent - sized gathering . My sisters and I would enjoy rubber band wars ( we had " guns " and everything ) with our " cousin " Mark while the adults would get the food ready . We 'd still be finding rubber bands behind furniture and under rugs for the entire next year ! Now , I 'm all grown up with kids of my own , and far away from the rest of my family . It 's nice to have friends here who invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner with them . There were 3 families , total , so there were about 15 people . It was so great . I made my grandma Brundage 's baked maccaroni and cheese and my mom 's awesome cranberry sauce ( whole berry sauce with mandarin oranges , walnuts , and a hint of cinnamon - it 's to die for ! ) . That morning , while the mac ' n cheese was baking in the oven , it smelled like I was home and made me a little less homesick . We got to our friend 's house around 1 , and visited while we waited for the family with the turkey . Dinner was incredible . 2 fried turkeys , dressing , deviled egges , gravy , home - made mashed potatoes , green bean casserole , corn , the mac ' n cheese , and the best ever sweet potato casserole ! . Then there were the desserts ! ! ! Pumpkin pie , chocolate pie , apple pie … and this delicious cake with strawberries and kiwi and cream cheese frosting . I thought I wouldn 't need to eat again for days ! After all the dinner dishes were cleared and we thought we might slip into a food coma , we decided to go around in a circle and tell what we werPosted in UncategorizedTags : Blessings , God , kids , Thanks , Thanksgiving So , I have 2 kids who LOVE the American Tail movies . I have to admit that I , myself , am a fan of the films . Today , however , my 3 1 / 2 year old , Emma , is watching Fivel Goes West , and we 've recently come to the part where the spider knocks Fivel off of the train . The parents ( and all of the other mouse passengers , for that matter ) hear his screams and rush to the " window " of the shoe box they 're riding in , to see him fall and bounce around in the desert sand . Now , I would think that any good , loving parents would subsequently leap from the train and rescue their small child . However , the Mouskewitz 's sit back down and sulk about having lost their son - again ! ( If you haven 't seen the movies , in the first one , Fivel gets tossed over the edge of a ship sailing from Germany to America - he 's a very inquisitive little mouse . ) They continue on to Green River and find a home . What is this teaching our children ? As an adult , I know that it 's fiction , and I know that I would never leave my small child to fend for himself in the desert heat ( which is right out my back door these days ) . But my children ? Do they understand the fact that he 's all alone , wandering without direction , in the wilderness ? Or am I just reading too much into this ? Probably , that is the case , but it 's still something to think about . I mean , when they get older and can comprehend such things , will they be damaged and think that Danny and I will someday abandon them , or that they 'll " fall off the train " , so to speak , and we 'll just leave them behind and move on with our lives ? I , for one , would be the first one to jump head - long out of the window to rescue my child . I hope that I 'm able to raise them in such a way as to instill that in their hearts and minds , no matter what they see in movies and other people 's real lives . |
Posted on December 31 , 2012 by Lucien Reply Well , with this whole fiscal cliff debate , which I have been avoiding talking about because I was waiting to see the outcome , they have come to an agreement over what is to be done . And , as it should come as no surprise to anyone , it screws the poor , and helps the rich . Here is what has been done - 1 . The Republicans have no given us anything on the debt ceiling . The Treasury is going to have to find a way to avoid default , so we are going to see another routine of this pathetic charade when the next debt ceiling debate comes up , and Congress feigns this battle for what we know is how it is going to end . 2 . They have made the Bush Tax Cuts for the rich permanent , while only extending those for the poor for 5 years . Oh , right , they went up a little for those who are making over $ 400 , 000 . But it isn 't nearly enough . 3 . Continues its exempt over the first $ 5 million in inherited estate wealth , what they called the Death Tax , in Republican circle . In other words , the amount of money a dead rich person gives to a living rich person . 5 . And most important - it doesn 't get nearly enough in revenue increases , meaning that there will have to be cuts . And guess where these cuts will come from ? Social programs . This is a failure . It 's been heralded by both sides as a " compromise . " Yeah , it 's a compromise in the same way that being given the flu is a good thing . But the President is saying it 's a good thing . That 's because " compromise " has been this administration 's opinion on everything . Obama stands for nothing , and will " compromise " for everything . Now look , I am not naive enough to think that all battles can be won . Compromise is a perfectly acceptable option , when the compromise is fair . Cut the budget ? Sure , I 'm down with that . How about cutting the most massive balls - and - chains that America has dragging it down right now - our UNBELIEVABLY bloated military budget , and the useless and failed war on drugs ? If we slashed the military budget to ribbons and got rid of the war on drugs , the revenue would see things even out in ways you can 't begin to imagine . These two things , more than any other , are the anchor around America 's neck . But no , that 's not what happens . We attack social programs . We attack what helps the least of us , and extol what helps the richest . Mr . Rogers would be rolling in his grave if he saw how quickly we abandon his message of helping each other , and are eager to say that we should help ourselves . That man is a personal icon of mine , and it kills me how easily people forget his message . But that 's okay , the Christian - right of America is quick to do the same with Jesus , since he preached roughly the same thing . But hey , he 's just the son of their bullshit sky wizard . Why should they care ? I 'm just going to keep this short - this is bullshit . This whole pathetic affair is bullshit , and anybody with a modicum of political sense saw it coming from a mile away . I saw it coming , and so did all of you . " The gears are turning , the game is set . * Sigh * I 'm sick of this , is it 2013 yet ? " - TJ Kirk , 2012 Posted on December 31 , 2012 by Lucien 1 There has been an image going around the online sphere , and I find this image interesting , because it is showing a major butthurt part of the population , which in this case is ironically , not skinny people . Now , this is not going to be a lambasting post . I am genuinely intrigued by this . I am not a super - skinny guy . I am not some super - fat guy . I am a little overweight , but since I am a titan of a man , for how tall I am , I am actually not that overweight . For real , there is no reason to be mad at this . She actually did say this . It is an actual quote from her . She believes that she likes to be skinny more than she likes food . But here 's the question - what 's the problem with that ? For real , if she views being skinny as better than food , what do you care ? A lot of people have really wanted to really get emotional over this . But that makes no sense . For one thing , who cares about Kate Moss ? For real , who the fuck is this woman ? What has she done ? I don 't remember her in anything . Not in any movies , TV , music , nowhere . This is a name I know , but I don 't remember anywhere near the top of my head where I know her from . Even the celebrities that I hate , like Dane Cook , pretty much any modern pop artist , or almost all of the pseudo - celebrity jackasses in Congress , I know why I hate them . I have very clear defined reasons why these people annoy me . And for some of them , why I am annoyed by them is a very good reason , because some of them can have a very large impact on society , like the jackasses in Congress . They are able to affect things in a huge way . But what has Kate Moss ever done ? A lot of people will come back and say that she will inspire women to have eating disorders . Um , you people are stupid . The fact is that having an eating disorder is not simple . There are a lot of complex reasons why people have eating problems , and for you all to think that it is because somebody told them to be simple , that only shows that you are too dumb to think . Oh , wait , you clearly don 't think . Plus , this just shows the hypocrisy of our culture . If a severely obese girl came out and said that she likes to eat more than be skinny , people would be applauding her and saying how brave she is . What ? How ? It 's the exact same thing . Ironically , in the modern culture , we are having a paradigm shift , slowly but surely , that says that being super - skinny is actually bad . We are having a shift that says that women shouldn 't be super - fat , but not super - skinny either . I have seen this a lot more than you 'd think . It 's encouraging , but at the same time , so what ? The reality of the situation is that all the butthurt people are clueless . They don 't seem to understand that society isn 't as simple as it looks , and also , you need a thicker skin . The people who tell you that life gets so much better when you grow up , and that you are going to be happier are idiots . The same bullies in high school will become grown - up bullies . The title will change , but they will be the same . The same people who called you fat will still call you fat . Ironically , a friend of mine gets called too skinny by people . She is a little underweight , but that 's just how she is . I wish I had a metabolism like her . That would suit me for all the walking I do . Posted on December 29 , 2012 by Lucien 2 I honestly thought that the last I was going to hear of Rebecca Watson was after the ridiculous and totally pointless incident called " Elevatorgate . " Honestly , this whole affair was so dumb that I was with Richard Dawkins the moment I heard about it . A woman in the Western World , who knows nothing about how women in places like Iran or Cambodia are treated , is complaining about a man in an elevator hitting on her , and making this out to be a huge issue . Can you say " First World Problems ? " But to this day , I still hear about her . See , Watson ( an apt name ) , has decided to go on a crusade to get the treatment of women better at conferences . That 's right , apparently , at secular conferences , there is a massive wave of misogyny , and it is so bad that her and her cohorts feel that they have to travel in pairs . In case the spooky atheist rapists find them in a back … booth , I guess . And she is not alone anymore . She has a mass of followers , including the increasingly - incoherent PZ Meyers , following her PC bullshit . That 's exactly what it is . It 's PC bullshit . This is not even anything approaching a major issue , yet it is creating a massive divide within the atheist community , and is getting us to fight against each other , instead of at the causes that actually matter , like how religion here in America has a strangle - hold on politics . And these people have some totally insane ideas about harassment , too . See , one of their positions is that wearing fake jewelry and getting your feelings hurt at a conference is as bad as getting your ass grabbed . Don 't believe me ? Here 's the Skepchick ( Amy Roth ) herself to tell you - We 're not asking for anything crazy . Just basic rules so that we can say , you know , this sort of thing , like , making fake jewelry and intentionally offending people is not okay . Nor is grabbing someone 's ass . Uh … what ? Fake jewelry ? If a girl wears fake earrings , that 's as bad as grabbing someone 's ass ? Are you serious ? You can 't possibly be making a position this stupid . It just isn 't possible . But no , this movement has an ever - growing following . And apparently , according to PZ Meyers , these women may be so dumb that they are being harassed and they don 't even know it . Uh … what ? This can 't be serious . Ladies , are you so brain - dead that harassment goes underneath your notice ? Is PZ actually making the argument that you 're too stupid to get it ? Wow , I wonder who the REAL misogynist is . Rebecca Watson even agreed with him , not taking the position that these women are lying , just that they are unable to understand when they are being harassed . Really ? Your opinion of women is just so high , Ms . Watson … This war of words is going on , according to Meyers , on the internet , as to whether or not women are just something to have sex with , or real people . They believe this is an actual debate in the secular community . And their source ? Comments sections on YouTube videos . What the fuck is happening , people ? ! This is not cool ! This is the kind of bad arguing and false - equivalence that I expect from religious people , when they are defending how Christians are so harassed and attacked in this country . And according to Meyers , misogyny is so widespread in the atheist community because of this . This , his ad hominem and guilt - by - association evidence . A man as well - respected and educated as him should not be making this kind of argument . What 's more , people who hear it shouldn 't take it so seriously . But we do , and the battle lines are growing . This is beyond a waste of time . I did a post earlier about this , and how I thought that this was a dumb issue , but the issue has now taken root . Where once I dismissed this are the idiotic rambling of idiots , I now have to facepalm at the results it has done - harassment rules at conferences . Apparently , anybody who is at a conference cannot do or say anything that upsets anybody . Booths cannot have any " sexualized " ( a term they do NOT define , by the way ) clothing or uniforms . Basically , the idea is that these people have actually made rules that tell you what you can and cannot do , say or wear at a conference . You are basically being told that you don 't know how to conduct yourself , and these people do . They apparently have far more insight than you , ladies . These women are smarter than you , and you are too stupid to know how you should be . And that goes for men too . Not only are these people giving atheism a bad name , they 're giving feminism a bad name too . They want to tell you what to wear and how to act . These people have strong - armed this movement , and now , they are becoming the majority , because for some , they don 't want the atheist movement to die out . For others , they are just too afraid to not go along with it , because some of these women will flag videos and will come after you just as ruthlessly as VenomFangX or many other Fundie Christian groups have in the past . For real , these people have a history of doc dropping , stalking and even threatening people who don 't agree with their position . If these people want to behave just like the radical Christians , why not simply be Christian ? Would save the rest of us the embarrassment . Women who have actually stood up for women 's rights should be ashamed . These people are no - more feminists than I am a Christian . They are professional victims , just like Feminist Frequency , who want to make themselves out to be the oppressed victims of a horrible conspiracy , and anyone who says otherwise and disagrees out to simply be a misogynist . These people cannot take even the slightest hint of criticism . Any perspective other than their own is to be blocked , ignored or made to be a person who hates women . Not a person with an actual point of view . The atheist community has the power to accomplish great things . But we aren 't using it , because we are too busy fighting amongst ourselves over stupid bullshit like this . That 's what this is - stupid bullshit . This means nothing . This is pointless . This is a First World Problem in the worst way , and anyone with more than 20 brain cells knows it . We picked out some lobster , and as we were heading to find some other foods , Maddie bumped into a rather pleasant looking fellow . He had short dirty - blonde hair , with glasses . He was a little bit heavy , but it was clear that he was a traveled man . Given how he was looking at our food , he was a man who liked his lobster . His clothes were well - kept , and obviously not cheap . This was a man of means . " I 'm so sorry , miss ! Please … " He looked down at the pup she was carrying , and smiled . " Well I 'll be ! How absolutely adorable ! " He looked at Maddie . " You mind if I pet her ? " " Why thank you ! " He gently put his hand closer to the pup , who clearly liked the attention , so she let him pet her . " What an adorable pup . I never thought I would see a Wolf pup in my lifetime ! " " Oh don 't worry ! I am not somebody with the military , who has been so adamant about Wolves destruction . I 'm a professor at Englewood Academy . The Wolves has always been a point of interest for me . I never thought I would see one this young ! It 's beautiful . " He gently ran his fingers over Lizzy 's head , scratching behind her ears . She was definitely enjoying this . He looked up at me , smiling . " Quite a bit , actually ! We have a vast research section dedicated to them . Not in service to The Family 's military , who seem bent on their destruction . Why , I 'll never know . " Still petting Lizzy , the professor sighed . " No , unfortunately . I wish there was . I would lose this weight and go out and study them ! I have done field work before . But alas , nothing . The last large pack or Clan was seen well - over 100 years ago . Now , they are just gone . " We all looked hurt by this . But it was good to know . I held out my hand . " Thank you . We can 't stay and chat , but I hope we run into each other again . My name 's Lucien . " The man shook my hand warmly . " I would like that . I have a million and one questions about your little friend . My name 's Peter . Peter Esquire . " Somehow , I could tell , this wasn 't the last time that we were going to run into this professor . He gave one last scratch behind the pup 's ears before leaving . He looked a little sad to leave , but we both had places to be . We headed out of the market , back toward the suburbs . Emily made sure that Lizzy couldn 't hear her . " The woman who lived in that house has been dead for almost a month . The only reason that she isn 't covered in maggots is because the house is dry as a bone , and there isn 't a fly for miles . It 's so dry that she looks like a prune . Probably has something to do with the salt in the air , along with how dry it is . From the looks of things , she died in her sleep . " Erin looked over at Maddie , who was getting admiration from people for the little pup in her arms . " The name Lizzy , it also comes from a daughter that she had . She died when she was very little . The influenza pandemic after the War . " I nodded , taking it in . Almost a month , and that pup was still alive . That was a major accomplishment . This pup was strong . " I see . Good work . We 've got some lobster tonight . " They both perked up at this . Emily looked a little uncomfortable , but she was thinking the same things I was . " Why not at the old woman 's house ? It isn 't like she 's using the kitchen anymore . We can 't eat the shells of those things . We have to cook them . " The little pup shook her head , her tail wagging . " No , I don 't think so ! Think we could save some lobster for her ? ! " Such innocence . Such genuine love . It was painful . But we couldn 't hide the truth from her for too much longer . We got back to the house . The plumbing still worked , so we ran water until it was clean enough to cook with . The stove was a gas stove , and there was still fuel in the tank , so we got to cooking . It was time to tell Lizzy the truth . I called the group in to the living room . She had gone back upstairs , to check and see if she had woken up . The poor pup had no idea . She came back down and saw us all there . " I know , Lizzy , but we need to . " She gently rubbed the pup 's ears . Maddie took her Wolf form , gently licking the pup 's head . Mandy did as well , going over . Lizzy shook her head , looking sad . " No . She still hasn 't . I keep trying and trying . I licked her hand , I barked , I jumped on her a bit . She doesn 't like that , but if it would wake her up , I wouldn 't mind her being a little mad . But it doesn 't matter what I do . " The pup was starting to cry . For a few minutes , nobody said anything . Finally , I walked over and crouched down in front of her . " She 's passed away , Lizzy . In her sleep , she … she died . " The pup shook her head , not wanting to believe . She stood back a little , then turned and ran back upstairs . When she got there , for the first time , she actually looked at the face of the women who looked after her . It was shriveled , sunken , and dry . There was no color to her old skin . The hair was faded and like string . For the first time , she realized that they were right . The old woman was dead . The pup cried out in pain . Her heart was hurting . We walked into the room , and she looked up at us . Maddie leaned down , and smiled at the pup . " You know , we are all part of a pack . We 're trying to find a new home . Why don 't you come with us ? ! We aren 't much , but we look out for each other . We 'll take care of you . " She got on the bed next to her . " I promise , we 'll never abandon you . " I looked down and shook my head . " Not a bit . Maddie will be your caretaker . You are one of the pack , if that 's what you want . " I wasn 't even going to put this to a vote . I was sick of listening to squabbling , and I knew that none of them would object anyway . A pup , who would just turn her away to the cold ? A minute passed . Lizzy looked back at the woman . She stared at the cold dead face for a while . Finally , she looked back at us and nodded . " Okay , I 'll go with you . " She then got a bit of a smile on her little face . " So , will the lobster be ready soon ? " We got done cooking the lobsters , and the smell was amazing ! Emily and Mandy were both damn good cooks . And you can bet that not one person had anything to say about Emily or the fact that she made the food . Not with a smell this good . We sat down and dug in . Maddie helped Lizzy cut open the shell of the lobster . The pup dug in with abandon once she had the meat . Lizzy looked up from her lobster , swallowing it with relish . " I don 't remember very much , before that . There was mommy and daddy . We were on our own . I don 't remember what they looked like … " Her face got a little sullen . " When we were at a forest , we saw a lake . I was really thirsty . We stopped to drink , but then , daddy got really nervous . He said he could smell something . Mommy got nervous too . Then there were lights . Red lights . They were eyes . Red eyes . Mommy and daddy told me to get under a picnic table . I hid there , and curled up into a ball , so they wouldn 't see me . I heard lots of loud noises . There were screams . I tried to cover my ears , because it hurt . Eventually , the noises stopped . But my parents never came back . I waited and waited and waited , but I was all alone . Eventually , the woman who lived here found me . She reached down and petted my head , and asked if I was hungry . So I went with her . She looked after me . And … and she was my best friend … " Nobody said anything for a long time . Finally , Maddie looked down at the pup , rubbing her head . The pup looked up and her tail wagged . " Yup ! Can I have more ? " Everybody laughed , as Maddie took apart another lobster for her . Unlike humans , we Wolves waste nothing , except the shells . The rest is damn good eating . Once we finished eating , we returned to our Wolf forms , laying down and resting in what was a surprisingly warm house . Lizzy snuggled up to Maddie , who put a paw around her , holding her tight . She was one of us now . I looked at the two of them , and I finally realize what Maddie 's role was to be in this pack . She would look after the pup . It was a job that she seemed to take to . That 's good . I walked over to my mate , who looked up and nodded . It sometimes disturbed me how she seemed to be in my mind . But that 's why I loved her so much . The next day , we built a pyre in the back - yard , where the woman 's garden was . It was over - grown with weeds now , but it was easy to tell that this had once been a place where a lot of love had been invested . We took her from where she lay in the house , and set her on top . Lizzy wasn 't very keen on this , but we told her that , according to legend , the fire would not burn her once she was gone . We would wait until the moon shone , and the fire and moon would guide her to Paradise . She would be fine . True to our word , we waited until nightfall and then set the pyre ablaze . We knew that we couldn 't stick around long enough for a complete ceremony , because the law would be coming at any minute , along with whatever fire department existed . And the neighbors . But we stopped as we got to a hill , overlooking the house , and let loose a howl . It was to help guide the soul of this woman to the other side . She had taken good care of this pup . I made sure that we were able to repay her for her efforts , by making sure the path was clear . Lizzy stopped and looked back one last time . For just a moment , she could have swore that she saw the old woman looking at her from the house . She smiled and waved goodbye , calling out to the pup . " I 'll see you there , Lizzy ! On the other side ! " The pup howled once more , and the woman vanished . She cried a bit , but we couldn 't stay . We ran in the moonlight , and her smile grew . She felt alive again ! For the first time in a month , she was living ! We met up with Mandy in a dilapidated part of town . Saying that it had seen better days was putting it nicely . People hadn 't lived here , legally , in a very long time . The buildings were all cookie - cutter apartment complexes . Individual houses were something only the very rich could afford . The windows were shattered . The concrete walls were cracked and in very bad shape . Years beyond simply needing repair . This part of town was going to collapse in on itself . It was the perfect place for us to make shelter for the night . In a part of town this bad , nobody would notice us . There were other people . Squatters , drifters , immigrants , the kind of people who didn 't want to get notice . Some of them were in larger groups than us . No Wolves . We would smell it if that was the case . I admit to feeling a little sad about this . Finding more of our kind would always be welcome . Since meeting up with each other , we hadn 't seen a single Wolf anywhere . We were very much alone here . The reality of that didn 't sit well with me . We got into the house and took some rest . I gathered the others , save Maddie and Lizzy . The pup was tired from her injuries , and looking to recuperate . So Maddie was looking after her . It 's ironic - she took her job so seriously , even though , if you looked at her , she seemed to take very little seriously . Her obligation to this pup was a very rare exception to that . While Maddie was no fighter , I have no doubt that anybody who ever tries to lay a hand on her will wind up having that hand come off . Good on her . I stared at the pup , who was back in Wolf form , and laying gently in Maddie 's lap . Maddie was gently rubbing her head , scratching behind her ears , and this seemed to sit very well with the tiny Wolf . She looked so adorable , it took me back to when we first met her . Lizzy was the last member to join our pack . When we first met her , we were all still very new to this , and still getting used to each other . Having Emily as a Beta was the biggest problem . She wasn 't completely Wolf , and to the members of the Gray Clan , this didn 't sit well at all . There had never been a Black , White or Red " half - breed . " Since Gray Wolves were the ones who had been in human contact the most throughout the years , all the mix breeds came from them . True enough , she was half - Gray , half - husky . Yet she was still a Wolf , and could still summon the energies that our people had been blessed with , by the Goddess . As such , I had none of the problems that the rest of the pack did . She had proven herself to me more than once , but for them , it was going to take time . I could live with that . The day we met Lizzy , we were in one of the few places where people lived that wasn 't an enclosed city . There were towns here and there that were not enclosed , yet still had people living in them . It was a dangerous existence . One had to always be careful about bandit invasions . Yet if you could handle that , it was a lot easier living than in the block - cities . Most of these cities were along the railway . That did afford them some protection , which was good , since most of these cities were hopelessly dependent on being rail - towns for what little money they had . This one was situated on an island , which is why it was such a peaceful place . The Family had a small garrison of soldiers here , but only for observation of the nearby areas . The grass was actually green , and the people were nicer than most places . The food was also plentiful . There was a lot of crop - growing here , and meat as well . It was a genuinely pleasant place to be , which made having to move on from it that much harder . We were walking past what could be called a suburban area . It was filled with families , and actual children . While nobody was particularly wealthy here , they were still happy . It was a lot better than most of the block - cities , which were so polluted that children there were often plagued by disease and malnutrition . Here , they had open air . It was a place where you actually wanted to live , unlike most . The wind was blowing , and I felt good that day . We were looking for a place where we could crash for the night . To be honest , we half - expected to end up sleeping under the trees , since there was an actual forest here , looking up at the stars . That sounded pretty good right about now . But it couldn 't hurt to see if we could find somewhere with a roof , and where we could go unnoticed . All these houses , however , were very occupied . Save one . It looked very old and broken down . This was a place that hadn 't been paid attention to in a very long time . At first , we were thinking that we hit jackpot . But something was off about this place . There was a smell in the air . It was the smell of death . Somebody had died in there , and this smell was old . It had happened a long time ago . We were about to move on , when Maddie stopped . She looked at the house . We all stopped and looked back at her . She stood there for some time , looking at the house . " I smell something inside . Not just death . There 's something else . It 's faint . But I could swear , it 's the smell of a Wolf ! " " You think the smell of death is connected to that ? Like the one who died is a Wolf ? " Erin asked , her eyes downcast . This hurt us all . To think that the next Wolf we would find would be dead , it was too hard to think about . But we had to find out . We approached the door , opening it slowly . Neal and Savannah went in first . Even in human form , they were still our enforcers . I wasn 't far behind . The dust that rose from the place showed that nobody had looked after this place in a very long time . There were papers on the floor , along with spider - webs on the ceiling . The window was open , blowing dusting around . This was the house of an older person . She had pictures on her wall of various places . Yet there were no pictures of family . Did she have none ? It was then that I noticed several photos . They had here , and a young pup . It was a Wolf pup ! What was a human doing with a Wolf pup ? ! The pup looked happy . Very happy . What happened to her ? And where was the pup ? These were questions that needed answers , and I was on a mission to find out . The smell of death was stronger from upstairs . We all headed toward the staircase . We were cautious . Who knows how old those pictures are . That pup could be all grown up by now , and the last thing I wanted was to get into a fight . From upstairs , the little pup heard the sound of people . Who would come in without knocking first ? That was awfully rude . The old woman didn 't like when people did that . She looked down at the body in bed beneath her . She licked her hand , trying to wake her . Maybe , if she could get her to wake up , the smell that was so heavy in here would go away . She had been trying and trying for days . But no matter what she did , the woman wouldn 't wake . Why wouldn 't she wake up ? The smell was so bad in here . She wanted to leave . Her tummy was making noises . She hadn 't eaten in days . There was nothing in the house to eat . She was so desperate to get her to wake up , but she didn 't . Now there were people in the house . They were at the staircase , looking to come upstairs . She got up off the woman , walking to the door . She poked her little head out the door . There was talking . It sounded like at least eight of them . She walked over to the staircase , keeping low and looking down . She saw them all , and started barking at them . Maybe if they saw her barking , they 'd leave ! We looked up at the pup , very confused . Then , it suddenly hit us - she doesn 't know that we 're Wolves ! She was too young to smell it . Her tiny little gray head was just so cute , trying to look tough . But she wasn 't . She was WAY too young to be a threat to us . I looked at the others and told them , " Turn back to your Wolf forms . That should make things easier for her . " In a flash , we were Wolves again , looking up at her . This was bad . She could deal with eight humans . Barking usually scared them off . But eight Wolves ! That was too much . But how were they able to become humans ? That was weird . She stood up and looked at them . " You should leave . My owner will be up at any moment , and she doesn 't like guests who come unannounced . " She was trying to sound brave and sure , but she had never felt so scared in her life . It was then that a Red Wolf approached . She was very thin , and didn 't look all that imposing . She smiled at the pup and looked up . The pup nodded . " Yeah , for a long time . I keep trying to wake her up , but nothing works . " There was sadness in her voice . She wanted to go out and play . She wanted to get some food . She wanted to be out in the wind , or go for one of their long walks . Anything was better than this . The Red Wolf nodded , moving just a little closer . Enough to be friendly , but not get her nervous . She could see that the pup was nervous . " You look awful hungry . We 're going to look for food . You want to come with us ? " She smiled at the little pup . " I 'm sure that she will still be here when we get back . " We started to leave , with our new companion . The poor thing was so malnourished . It was awful . If she had stayed in this house too much longer , she would have died here . She desperately needs food . Maddie walked over to her , changing back into her human form . She smiled down at the pup , " What 's your name ? " She looked up at her , a little nervous , but quickly warming up to the Maddie . " The woman who lives here called me Lizzy . Says that 's the name of somebody she cared about . " " That 's a nice name , Lizzy , " Maddie replied , opening her arms . The little pup moved closer , letting Maddie pick her up . She smiled at this . She liked it when she was carried . She was so small . Who knew how big her human form would be . She was too young for that . So for now , she would have to be our pet . As we left the house , I turned to Emily . Very quietly , so our new charge wouldn 't hear , I whispered to her , " Head back to the house . Check the place out . Find out how long the woman inside has been dead . Take Erin with you , to watch your back . " " You 're the Beta . I gave you an order . If she doesn 't like it , tell her to take it up with me . " My voice was dead - serious . Emily said nothing , just nodded and walked back . Erin gave her a cold look when she was talking to her , but she saw my face looking back at them , and knew that now was not a good time to mess with me . They would have to get used to this , whether they liked it or not . The two slipped back , and we started off toward the town . We had some money from a previous run - in with a bandit group . They had been robbing a Family supply train , and we decided to get in on it . They had some funds being transferred on the train . We robbed the cases they were sending the money in , and now we were able to barter with ease . The town was a very mellow place . Street vendors had various trinkets and foods that were grown around town . Well , whatever food The Family 's troops didn 't take for themselves . Most of what they sold here was vegetables . The land outside of the town was farming networks . This was the safest place for a long time that one could grow food . Well , that The Family could grow food , anyway . Underground farming was getting bigger and bigger , since The Family was taking more and more of the harvests . The street vendors who were part of the Underground were also out . In a place like this , it was safe to do so . The troops that The Family garrisoned were too bored and the police were too easily bribed to care . We walked from stall to stall . Lizzy was eye - balling everything , but like us , vegetables didn 't interest her much . We were after meat . But on an island , you can bet that the biggest source of meat was fish . The harbor was alive and bustling . Various fish vendors were holding up their catch . It was so ironic that even after the third World War , with so much death and destruction , the oceans were still alive and well . There wasn 't much point nuking the water , so almost all of the nuclear fallout was on land . Thanks to the vastly smaller amount human activity , after the initial pollution nightmare that was post World War III , things in the oceans bounced back very quickly . Most of the fish was nothing exceptional . But we got to a vendor who had a very nice smell coming from it - lobster ! Now this was something to get excited about . We hurried over , and as we thought , there was a fresh caught bunch of lobster on sale ! We had to jump on this . It was a treat , but since we had a new friend , this was as good a time as any to have one . We bought enough to feed the pack , but were careful about our money . Who knew when our next payday would be ? The pack was excited . So was I . But now we had a problem - we needed somewhere to cook it . Posted on December 23 , 2012 by Lucien 4 Well , in lieu of a blog about Christmas itself , I thought that this year 's Christmas blog would be about something different - the things I like most about Christmas . It is by far my favorite holiday . Or rather , it was . It was a holiday that I loved so much . But this year , for the first time , I genuinely don 't give a shit . This is the first year that it couldn 't matter to me less that it is Christmas . I don 't feel anything for this holiday . We 'll get into why in a minute . But first , here are the top 10 reasons that I used to love this holiday . And this makes it all the harder that this year , I couldn 't care less . Oh how I have always loved putting up the Christmas tree . This is the first year that I had no part in it . I had to get back to the dorms because of work and final projects . It was so hectic that I genuinely felt overwhelmed at times . But one of my favorite parts about this holiday was putting up the Christmas tree and figuring out where the best spots were for everything . It was so tedious , yet so enjoyable . I always loved it . And once it was all done , they looked so beautiful . I truly do regret not getting to help put up the tree this year . I would have done that part long before this holiday went to shit for me . One of the things that has been hardest about living at the dorms was that I couldn 't be around my cat , Lizzy . I do so love that little beast . She 's a whiny , angry little puss , who only loves me . She treats everybody else like yesterday 's trash , except for me . I remember when I first got the little devil . She was climbing up the cage wall at the pet store . She looked at me like " get me the fuck out of here ! " I knew from that moment that her and I were going to be best friends . She 's getting old . That makes me sad . If she dies , then I am that much more alone . She 's one of the few things I can depend on always being there for me . Unlike the person who threw my friendship in the trash recently , and didn 't even look back . I love that cat so much . So incredibly much . Having lived in the most northern state in the Union , I have had to live with snow every winter . And when I don 't have to drive in it , it is beautiful . It 's a beautiful thing to see . Of course , it turns the roads into a dangerous mess , and it seems like every year , every dumb shit in my part of the world forgets how to drive in it . Like the summer was so long that they forgot that winter exists . Dumb bastards . But I do love watching it fall , if I know that I don 't have anywhere that I need to be in the next few days . Very , very beautiful . It kills me that I forgot my movie collection at the dorms , because I could use a good Christmas special right now . I linked my Top 10 Christmas Specials blog after the number . Check it out , if you want to know what tickles my holiday buttons . Some of them might not make much sense to you , but I still think they are beautiful . I 'm one of those weird people who has my own little quirks , but it 's all good . I get to have fun , and that 's what matters . Well , I did . After losing a friendship that meant so much to me , because of a person I never met , then I just stopped caring . Still , I hope that you all were able to find that little Christmas film that makes you feel all warm inside . I envy you for being able to feel that way . For real , have you ever noticed that even the biggest asshole in the universe turns into one of the sweetest people the moment that this time of year comes around ? I wish that some people I knew were like that . Then , I wouldn 't be sitting here , crying while listening to Christmas music on the radio , feeling like shit . I kept hoping that the spiked eggnog ( one of the few kinds of booze I will actually drink ) would dull the pain . But it doesn 't . She left my life , and right when I was hoping to see her the most . I think she did that on purpose . But it does feel good when you can get that person who is a dick the rest of the year , but then you see them in a Christmas tree sweater , and they are actually smiling . Alas , my work - mates at my job didn 't get that . My smile is such a rare occurrence these days that I think the people at my job would be shocked if they ever saw it . I don 't have a reason to smile . Yeah , kind of a given that I would be big on this one . Who isn 't ? Who doesn 't love to get presents under the tree ? Ironically , for me , I was told to temper my expectations , since the parents don 't have much money . But that 's okay . I don 't mind that at all . They have to look after themselves first . I have no desire to feel good about this season anyway , so it 's all good . I just want … for the day to be over . That way , I can stop feeling like I want to cry . It just hurts too much . Was what we had worth nothing ? She said it meant so much . That losing me would hurt more than she could bear . Yet throwing what we had away , without so much as a word to me , didn 't seem to faze her in the least . She seemed almost happy to be rid of me . And all because of a guy who never met me . Fuck love . Can 't complain about this one . It let me finally catch up on Assassin 's Creed III , which I had been waiting for ever since I preordered it back in September . It was worth it . That game is awesome ! And getting to let my insomnia not be an anchor in my life was pretty sweet too . Though it has given me more time to think , which does me no kindness now . I was hoping to see so many people when I got back home . Instead , I have seen only one friend , and while I do love her to death , I was hoping to see more . Now , she is moving away , and everybody else is gone . And the only person I was hoping to see over break got pissed at me ( this isn 't the friend who threw me away . Somebody else ) , and now our friendship is hurting . Irony - for the same reason a best friend threw my friendship in the trash . But I do get an actual break . That is pretty damn sweet . Probably the greatest saving grace about this holiday is the lights on the tree . I remember how good it made me feel , and how much I was able to get lost in them . Now , when I look at them , it just hurts . It seems like no matter how loyal I am to people , my loyalty is not rewarded . I try so hard to be a good friend , yet what do I get in return ? I get people to throw my friendship away , and to treat me like I am somebody they can use and throw away . My dedication has been abused , time and time again . And for what ? The lights are so beautiful . I stare into them . I want to get lost in them . Yet all they do now is remind me why it hurts so much to be me . It 's no fun being me . Being me fucking sucks . Yet they are still beautiful . If I believed there was a God , he would be in the Christmas lights . But that 's just me . I 'm weird like that . Yeah , when I made this list , it made sense why this was close to the top ( I made this list a long time ago ) . When one has a person that they love , one of the best times of year to express it is during Christmas . So many holidays kinks , if that 's what one 's into . There is this one girl who I wish I could share some kinks . Run my fingers through her brown hair , let my hands satisfy a fetish of mine and fondle her large breasts , to explore every inch of her body . She is in good shape , but not a super - model . I am glad of this . I like my women to look like real women , not some idealized vision of beauty . She thinks she is in such bad shape . I really must cure her of this . And yet , at the same time , I now hate sex . I hate it so much , because the drive to pursue it , along with love , has completely destroyed a friendship . See , her boyfriend didn 't like me . Why ? Got me . I 've never met the guy . This guy doesn 't like me , when all I was at that point , since she lived so far away , was a text and Facebook message to her . That was it . Yet apparently , I was causing problems . Why ? She had no answer , and saw fit to tell me to leave it alone . I was so tempted to yell and scream that this is bullshit , but what 's the use ? The friendship is dead now . I am alone again . What a perfect combination . This is , by far , the greatest drink in the mostly - gross history of alcohol . It all tastes awful to me , except for this and a couple others . This concoction has seen me through the last week or so , as I come to grips with how things are . Why did this have to happen ? Why couldn 't it have been stopped , or made less awful ? What could we have done different ? I want to stop asking myself . I want it to stop hurting . But it doesn 't . The booze dulls the pain , but in the end , it does nothing for me but remind me of how pathetically sad it all is . Still , this drink is amazing . If you haven 't had it , do . You won 't regret it . I want to like this holiday . I want to think it is a great holiday . Instead , all I have to think about now is how much I wish it would just go away . That way , I could cry , and not feel like I am bringing people down . I have to hide it , because I want people to be happy . But in the end , I am miserable , and hiding it does nothing to change that . Fuck love . Fuck relationships . Fuck everything to do with this whole holiday . Posted on December 22 , 2012 by Lucien 1 The Assassin 's Creed brand has been a massive undertaking that mixes up some almost - obsessive attention to detail , with story - telling that gives a new take on history . This latest entry into the franchise does not shy away from this . If anything , it excels at it . Now , the beginning to this game is almost painfully slow . But there is a very good reason for this - it sets up the rest of this game , and the end of the first act is one of the few openings that genuinely caught me by surprise . But after that , it goes into the life of Connor , and some of my favorite moments in this game came from just how fluently the speech was with the Iroquois tribe . The language was spot - on , and they got good people to do the acting . This was an amazing performance … save one . Ironically , the only character in this game who fell flat for me was Connor . While he did have his moments , like the dialogues between him and his father , I still didn 't think much of him . He is a rather forgettable protagonist , which is a shame , considering how much of a role he had . The next thing to praise about this game is the presentation . My god , this game is gorgeous . You really do feel like you are in the time of the American Revolution . It is amazing to look at . This is the height of what this kind of game can be on the current consoles , but they sucked every ounce of potential . If Halo 4 represents the best in what a first - person shooter can be on the current consoles ( which I agree with ) , then Assassin 's Creed III represents the best of what an open - world game can be . Every element is rich . They did not get lazy on anything . Every area feels alive and real . From the cities you travel in , to the oceans you sail on . This is a game that will never leave you feeling like there 's nothing to do . You can do the usual stealthy stalking missions . You can use what you learn in the cities to hunt animals in the forest . But surprisingly , the most fun part for me came from the adventures you can have on the high seas . Man , that was so much fun ! Once you start customizing your ship and seeing what works where , sea battles are the best . Part of me was almost sad there wasn 't more . More missions , more adventures . Maybe mix up some of the sea adventure with exploration . But for what I got , I am more than satisfied . A completionist by nature , I scoured the cities and Frontier for everything . I did all the Homestead missions so that I could have everything . I deliberately messed around for hours until my convoys could get me enough cash to upgrade my ship how I wanted . This game has hours upon hours of stuff to do . If you have somehow managed to get bored , it 's your own damn fault . Another nice touch was real - world events . Desmond goes on missions of his own in the real world . My favorite has to be when you invade Abstergo and you finally get some revenge on Vidic . That was three - games coming , and man , it was brief , but felt good . I was laughing at his dumb ass the whole time . It was seriously vindicating . Another thing I wish there could have been more of . For as much as there was in this game , I wish there had been more , but that 's never a bad thing , I guess . And with a DLC coming out where Washington becomes an evil tyrant with First Civilization relics , I look forward to seeing what more they can do . This was a great conclusion , though the ending ( which I won 't spoil ) does leave something to be desired . It 's not bad , but it doesn 't feel as final as I was hoping , and it leaves me with a lot more questions than answers . Though maybe there will be more . But if not , I am still satisfied by what I got . This was a great game . I am very late to the party , but if you haven 't gotten on board already , this game is definitely for you . |
" This machine kills fascists " is what the guitar said on it , but it wasn 't about the machine at all . In a field along the highway I saw an old man in overalls supplicate himself before a tractor like a good Muslim facing Mecca to pray . This was in South Dakota and he was facing north . Perhaps he is part of some old farmer cult . They pray to the tractors to ensure the crops and they sing lullabies to their hammers at night after their wives have gone to bed . The god that protects the crops is green and powerful . Their children construct gallows in the unending rain , just in case a sacrifice must be made . No stones are exchanged and no hymns are muttered through ragged teeth . Watching that man I thought of boxcars and my skin started to itch . I could feel the hum and buzz of the highway and it only half filled my blood . Martin Eden was out there somewhere , just beyond the horizon and purple skies filled with salt . Now there are wolves in the forest and falcons circle constantly , unable to hear their masters . I am so far from the ocean and I can 't help wondering if it has filled with blood . I light a cigarette with the Zippo that rides in the passenger seat and try not to look at the yellow line . Do I turn back ? It 's all still waiting for me , but I don 't think I can face it . The accelerator fits my boot so well , so I press down harder and drive toward what must be the sound of all the mermaids singing . Yes . I am running . The reason ? Does there have to be a reason ? Why the fuck do readers always look for deeper motives and subtext ? Sometimes a story is just a story . This is one of those times . When Sylvia Plath killed herself , Ted Hughes destroyed her final notebook . He said that he did this to protect the children . If you find this message in a bottle , don 't protect the children . Fuck them . Hours on the highway and I could barely breathe . A blue sign informed me of food and lodging so I took the next exit and rolled up in front of a nasty motel . The desk clerk looked like she had been ripped out of a bad seventies horror movie , or maybe a snuff film . There was a jagged scar tracing a line down her forehead and no light in her eyes . Single bed , bad art bolted to the wall , TV remote on a string so I can 't take it with me when I abandon this roach motel . The water in the bathroom tap is slightly yellow , but I don 't drink water anyway . My favorite liquids are all amber . There are vermiculate stains on the carpet . Something seems to be growing in the bathtub . This is perfect . Jack Strauss thought he was out when he realized that he still had one chip . He took his seat and continued to play ; eventually winning the main event . Moral : you are never really down and out unless you pull the trigger . After two days the phone does ring . I don 't recognize the voice on the other end , but we talk about sharks for twenty minutes before I hang up . Later that night I find all of my old skin cells hidden beneath the bed . They are plotting a comeback , creating a difficult chess strategy to first defeat me then take control of the continent . My toenail clippings are in on the plan but my liver is the leader . At three the phone rang again and I stumbled from sleep to answer . The voice on the other end said something vague about the ocean , then hung up . I muttered under my breath and fell back into dream . Whales screaming and nursing mothers . What is it ? You don 't know , I don 't know , fuck man , even god don 't know . Is it the devil ? What does that even mean ? It 's the thing that tears your flesh and eats the sweet pulp inside . It 's the thing that chains you to the wall , that rips your sanity and rapes you while your kids watch . One thing I know for sure , if I get out on that highway , then it 's me . I have to stop carving my face . [ [ [ [ [ [ [ " Common sense . Fuck . " Macgregor took a deep pull from his beer and slammed the bottle back on the table . The room was dark and the air was more smoke than oxygen . It was one of those dank bars where sad old bastards drank during the day . Macgregor was sitting at a small table in the corner . Across from him was a man who called himself Billy Watkins . Billy looked like he belonged in a Jim Thompson novel . He had a long , angular face marked by what appeared to be a dueling scar running jagged down his left cheek . His shirt was sealed by snaps coated in mother of pearl and his jeans bore oil stains . When Macgregor had first noticed him he had been clomping across the room . His worn down boot heels had echoed and sprung as he walked . There were a hundred just like him here . Macgregor would have ignored him had it not been for his left boot . That was the thing that Mac had noticed . As the man walked every other step made an odd , hollow noise . Mac had looked down at his boots and seen that one heel was different than the other . " What 's up with your boot heel ? " Mac had asked . " Yeah . I mean , sometimes it is . If the two points are on a sheet of paper then yeah , the shortest distance is a straight line . If they 're on a curved surface , like this planet , then that isn 't necessarily true . Sometimes the shortest distance between two points is a curved line . That 's non - Euclidean geometry . " They talked for a while . The conversation meandered between weather , politics , sports and the other crap men in bars discuss when they don 't really have anything in common . After an hour and several beers Macgregor excused himself and went back to his motel . I don 't care for the thing that is stalking me . It is a perfect engine , as the movie says . My first memory , and forever I thought it was real , is of a shark devouring a boy on a yellow raft . Blood spurted in arcs through the air and the screams coated the beach . I saw JAWS on TV when I was 12 and realized that my earliest memory was a movie . Still , that shark is stalking me . There is no shark like fear . I avoid lust and eat cold spaghetti from a can while drinking Ten High bourbon and flipping the channels on the antiquated TV set bolted to the dresser . I no longer know my name , so I use a different one everywhere I go . Cullin is the name I gave at the front desk . In the bar I was Macgregor because it reminds me of Highlander , and I think there can be only one . Just me and the shark . It has infinite rows of teeth that defy description . Outside the motel , the black parking lot paved in sodium arc light , there is a dog covered in blood . His predatory lope speaks of trouble and things left wounded . I share something with him . I 'm younger now than I was then . Still , the scar remains . Sometime after three the phone rings and I put down my glass to answer it . A woman 's voice asks for Steve . I claim to be him and we talk about movies and music . She likes Kubrick and Polyphonic Spree . I tell her that I like Welles and Steely Dan . We seem like a good match , but I don 't try to prolong the conversation . There is something I need to do . When she died I wasn 't there . That 's the thing that I cannot handle at all . Sometimes I think that the shark took her . I know that it 's all in my head . It 's all where I sleep . Maybe he said something like don 't move or freeze , but he really couldn 't be certain that he had spoken at all . He had come from behind her in the dark . The parking lot was huge and sprawling with lettered signs to remind people where they had parked . There were sodium arc lights mounted on high poles to illuminate the ground , but many of them had burned out and bulbs were far from the highest priority when it came time for the hospital to spend money . Those bulbs would increase billings . The woman had a very nice purse . Ted didn 't think that it was a knock off . Even if it was , her pants suit definitely hadn 't come from Sears , which he took as a good sign that she would have cash and credit cards in that possibly designer purse . The real deciding factor for him , though , was simply that there was no one else around . He moved out of the shadows with the gun shaking in his hand . Either he spoke or he didn 't . The woman saw the gun and froze . Her eyes nearly burst with panic . Ted could smell her . The air was filled with a musk that he guessed must have been the scent of terror . He had never smelled it before . He knew that he was sweating despite the cool air around him . Ted tried to look vicious . He filled his eyes with what he hoped was the threat of destruction raining down . The look was more like one of confusion , but it didn 't matter . The woman never saw it . The only thing that could attract her gaze was the gun and the opening at the end of the barrel which seemed to be growing larger by the second . She thought that it might grow so large that everything would be pulled into it . The world would vanish into the darkness of the singularity that the gun wanted to become . Ted reached for the purse and the woman took it the wrong way . She didn 't know why she was doing it , but she reached for the gun . It was almost as if her hand was working of its own accord . She could see her own slender fingers bending around the metal . She knew that her arm was pulling back , tugging at the weapon . But somehow it did not seem at all like she was the one doing it . Ted realized that everything was going wrong . He could hear his stomach growling loudly and he thought that it was strange that in a moment like that one he should hear that sound . He was afraid that if he didn 't get this over with soon he would shit himself . He tried to pull the gun back from the woman . He hadn 't wanted this . He just needed the money . She should have just let him have the money . She should have given a little scream , dropped the purse and ran away . But she hadn 't . She collapsed on the macadam . Ted thought that she looked like a fake . Despite the blood , she didn 't look like a real person . Things started to swim . Somehow it was darker than it had been a minute before . He realized that he was about to puke . He leaned forward and gripped his stomach . He started to wretch , but held it back . He bent , grabbed the forgotten purse and opened it . Inside he found a leather wallet with a hundred dollars inside . He didn 't take the credit cards . Ted stuffed the bills into his pants pocket , dropped the purse and started to run . 6 About Jaws . It was Lester that brought him back . I used to piss the bed dreaming about that damned shark when I was a kid , but we were well past that until Lester dredged it up for me . I know it is out there and I know that it is only bad brain chemistry and these two facts are at constant war with each other in my mind . Simms . I think that my name may have been Simms . But that was long ago and in another country . I 've been in this motel for weeks and still can 't figure out which direction I should go . It 's light out and I need another bottle . Old Crow seems fitting . I keep thinking about all the types of crows that could feast on my remains if this all goes wrong . The Pied Crow seeks out windowsills and finds waiting cherry or apple left to cool . Outside the motel is a pool . There are young girls around it . None seem willing to go into the water . That 's for the best . The shark could be there . " The hell you talkin ' ' bout , Simms ? There aint no way you can do that shit . " Lester was propped against his fist , cantilevered from a callused elbow on the sticky bar . The glass of Four Roses in front of him was almost empty and his eyes dropped to it while he did the necessary calculations and determined that he couldn 't afford a refill . Mitch Simms lit a cigarette and looked around the room . The bar was lined with milky eyed old men slowly decaying over cheap whisky and hand rolled cigarettes . " Yeah I can do it . I 've done it before , " Simms said to Lester . It was just past noon on a Wednesday and Simms knew that he had no business being in a dank joint drinking bourbon . He should have been at work . He should have been in his cubicle going over the numbers . But when Lester had called he had been unable to resist the chance to get away for an hour or two . Simms pulled his wallet from his back pocket . " Sure , " he said lifting a bill in the air to get the barman 's attention . A minute later they both had fresh drinks in front of them . Simms took a small drink and returned his glass to the bar . The jukebox started piping the sound of Free bird into the air . No one there was likely to have chosen that , so Simms concluded that it must have been set to random in order to entice people to pump quarters into it . He and Lester sat there quietly for a while , then Simms said " I best be getting back to work . " He stood up and gave Lester a pat on the shoulder . " Give me a cal this weekend , Les and we can do something . " It had been dark and cool inside the bar and when Simms stepped outside the light was momentarily overwhelming . Everything washed out like old film . By the time he reached his car he had acclimated to the daylight . Simms climbed into his car , lit a cigarette , inserted the key and turned the engine over . He lowered the window a crack and pulled out into the street . It was mid - afternoon and traffic was light . He figured that he should be able to get back to work in twenty minutes or so . Simms and Lester had known each other for years . They had graduated high school together and had been good friends . Of course , like most of the friends he had had in school , Lester had drifted away from him . They had just taken different paths and all of that . Once in a while Les would call and he and Simms would have a drink and pretend that they had something to talk about . The intervals between those calls had gotten longer and longer over the years . Still , Simms enjoyed the time that the two of them managed to spend together . It always reminded him of days when he had been happier . It wasn 't that he was completely without joy . Simms enjoyed his weekly poker game with the guys from the office . He liked the two weeks vacation he took each year . And , of course , there was Samantha . She was the one truly great thing in his life . She was the only reason he didn 't chuck it all and head south . He was thinking about her long brown hair when a battered Chevy truck ran a red light and crashed into the passenger side of his car forcing it into the next lane of traffic . The car skidded sideways , then rocked up with two wheels lifted above the pavement until it was almost past its center of gravity and ready to flip . It paused there an instant , then came back down with a bounce . Simms head left a smear of blood on the driver side window which somehow did not shatter . His eyes rolled back into his skull . The car radio was still on and he could hear music somewhere in the distance . It seemed to him that somehow Mick Jagger was singing about wild horses and the world faded to black . When I moved in it was a floral thing meant to look like Monet or something . Better from a distance than up close . Now it 's all green water with no horizon and the hint that something is lurking beneath the surface . Emma sat on the rough porch working at the hem of her dress with one hand . It was a habit she had . Whenever she felt nervous she would tug and twist at her skirt hem sometimes to the point of tearing a few threads loose . She knew that she shouldn 't do it . Dresses were expensive and she was no good at doing the repair work that her nervousness necessitated . Sure , she could sew on a button but beyond that her skills as a seamstress were nil . On that day she wasn 't really sure what she had to be nervous about . It was Sunday . Sundays were good days . There wasn 't much work to be done and after church was over she had several hours to waste in whatever way she wanted . Still , it seemed like something was coming . Maybe the weather was going to change . All around her were ignored fields gone to seed . Most of the families that had farmed there had long since given up on the rocky soil and moved on . The place where she lived with her parents had once been alive , but that had been a very long time ago . She looked up and pushed her hair from her eyes . There was a cloud of dust in the distance . A car was coming up the road . From thee size of the cloud she thought that it must be moving very fast . She stood and watched for it to come into sight . When it came close enough for her to recognize that it was a pickup truck she turned and went inside to warn her parents that there was company coming . Mac looked down at the fuel gauge . The needle had sank just below the big red E and he was starting to worry that he 'd be walking before long . He had turned off the highway earlier in the day thinking that the back roads would give him a better view as he drove . He had been wrong . The part of the country that he had reached had once been farm land . It had , many years earlier , been part of the vast national bread basket that produced the worlds food on small family owned operations . All of that had faded . Factory farms and engineered plants had taken over . Now the center of the country was a maze of unattended dirt tracks , empty fields , crumbling abandoned farm houses and barns , and general rot . Mac was really starting to wish that he had stayed on the highway . He reached down and turned the knob on the radio . The speakers gave forth static . Mac started to twist the dial looking for a station . The air waves only offered farm reports , fundamentalists , and right wing political commentary . After a minute he gave up and turned the radio off . The car looked like it probably ran . That was a good sign . A better sign was that the house that the car was parked in front of looked like it actually had people living in it . Mac put his foot on the brake pedal and started the deceleration . He mad the gentle turn into the long driveway and pulled his truck behind the old Buick that was parked there . Mac climbed the steps to the porch and gave a small knock at the door . An old woman was standing at the center of the small room which seemed to be both kitchen and dinning area . She motioned to the wooden table . " Have a seat , " she said . Mac didn 't speak yet . The young girl , she was probably sixteen he thought , kept looking at him and smilingly shyly . When he looked at her she would look away . The old woman took the chair next to Mac and started to speak . " When I was a kid I saw a woman give birth in the alley behind Schultz 's Liquor . She had her dress hiked up above her hips and she was screaming and sweating as she forced the kid out of her body . It was bad , but I couldn 't look away . Then , when it was all the way out she lifted the bloody wailing thing onto her bosom and laid back to rest . She hadn 't seen me . I didn 't speak . The woman stroked the baby and cooed to it until its cries quieted . Then , when I was about to leave she did something I hadn 't expected . She pulled the baby close to her mouth , opened her jaw and bit into its shoulder . The woman gave her head a powerful twist and ripped a chunk of meat from the baby . She chewed vigorously and swallowed . The baby had started to scream again . Her second bite put a stop to that . I ran . All the way home . But I didn 't tell my dad . He wouldn 't have cared . That was just the sort of place where we lived . " The woman , her story finished stood and walked to the stove . " Care for a cup of tea ? " Killing is a thing that you don 't want to get used to . This may look like my face but it 's not . It 's really just a mask that I wear . This is a mask made up of layers of skin and muscle and fat . The real me , the final me is underneath . Buried beneath dermis , epidermis , sub - dermal adipose and striated muscle is a skull . That is the final punch line , you see . I 'm just a corpse waiting to take shape . It 's the same with you whether you 're ready to admit it or not . Everything that lives also dies . A bi - sexual playwright wrote about how a king could go progress through the belly of a beggar once . No one has written about much else since . There is a complete literature exploring the absurdity of the ways in which we strive for achievement , love . money , experience , whatever in the face of the reality of our mortality . Fuck that , though . In the end it 's the same with men as with horses and dogs : nothing wants to die . Everything does die though . It 's something watching a man die . Not at all like in the movies . Last words are never epigrammatic or cathartic . They never come to sudden life changing understanding . No one grows or changes very much in the minutes before their heart stops pumping blood . None of us are better for the experience . It is not , as the books like to say , a final stage of development . In the end they cry , or beg , or demand that they don 't deserve it . Then their eyes go black . In that instant everything they are and everything they have been simply ceases to exist . It 's actually sort of anticlimactic . A bit of a letdown , really . I 've been through it a few times and it never gets any better . It never means anything . I 'm getting confused about my timelines . This is later than that . Once , while I was driving , I saw two men who were obviously drunk racing lawnmowers down the street . This was in Nebraska , maybe . They seemed perfectly content . 11 Cullin had often thought that life was a lot like being on death row when your captors refused to tell you the date of your execution . It was interminable waiting and fear and underlying dread . He felt nervous all the time and the worst part was that he had no idea what it was that he was afraid of . He had begun to suspect that just below and beneath everything he knew there was another world ; a world that wanted to break through the thin netting of reality and wash it all away . These thoughts plagued him as he drifted from consciousness and all the way to black . The room where he stayed was no bigger than one of the cells in a maximum security prison . There was a single bed , a table made of faux wood with two scarred , stripped chairs and no other furniture . Over the bed was bolted a painting chosen to match the boldly striped carpet . The bathroom was barely large enough to contain the undersized tub and toilet . This room was just like every other shit motel room in the world . It had been Cullin 's only home for weeks and it was starting to feel like it fit . He couldn 't stay much longer . If he did , he would atrophy . There were things that had to be done and he couldn 't do them from that room . He turned and pulled the pillow into a tight little ball next to him as his eyes fluttered . Something like a moan passed from his lips and his leg bucked beneath the sheet . It would be wrong to call what Cullin was doing sleep . The word sleep would imply rest , respite , calm . There was none of that for him . Fever haunted his slumbering mind . In dream he was pursued by something dark and unseen . He could smell the musk of its hide and hear the guttural rasp of its breath , but he could never catch sight of the beast . It was always the same . Something primordial moving in the depths . On the bed his muscles would twitch and seize in rhythm to the Bosch images of his dream . Sweat ran like rivers in miniature along his flesh and the muted cries that escaped from him grew louder as the dream marched forward . He would emit grunts that wanted to be words , but weren 't Then , always , just before he woke he would see her face . It was beautiful and fine and sad : wide , green eyes set in relief against her porcelain flesh framed by light brown hair that curled easily at the tips . Her generous lips would stretch in what looked for an instant like the beginning of a smile , but would reveal itself as a painful grimace . As she started to shriek he would notice the rivulets of blood running down her brow and into those lovely eyes . Then , just as he could take no more , he would snap upright in bed , the sheet clenched in his fist , every muscle flexed , teeth clamped tight holding back the scream that wanted so badly to get out . Sometimes in his dreams his name was Simms . Sometimes it was Macgregor , or Mac . Sometimes it was Brody . When he was awake his name was a mystery even to him . Cullin climbed from the bed and found his clothes where he had left them piled on the floor . He dressed in the dark and took his keys from the table . Outside on the balcony a cool breeze blew . Cullin could see the interstate from where he stood . Trucks moved past on their way everywhere and he couldn 't help thinking that he should be on his way somewhere as well . The parking lot below him was an island of arcadium light surrounded by stygian dark . Cullin breathed the night air and started to walk . I want to tell you that he stopped to watch a leaf being blown about by the wind , but it seems like that might be a bit much . If I lingered on those sorts of details you would likely find me to be a bit of a prig . So I wont tell you that . Cullin did not have to search . He knew where the bar was located . In fact , he had been there the previous two night . This had become something close to habit . He would awake from his dream , get dressed and walk to the bar to calm himself . Inside it was dark and the smoke infested air held a certain comforting weight . The old Schlitz sign over the bar produced a sick hum that should have made him feel uncomfortable , but somehow seemed just the right counterpoint to the juke box that always played Free Bird or Piano Man or Amy . The center of the room was dominated by a pool table that no one ever used . The bartender was named Kirk . He had a ragged scar down one cheek and rheumy eyes that always seemed to be focused three and a half yards past whatever he was looking at . He never spoke in more than guttural affirmation . Cullin approached the bar and said " Bourbon rocks , double . " It didn 't take long before Mitch sidled into the chair across from him . Cullin had met Mitch on his first night at the bar . He was a lanky sort ; about six one and as big around as a hedge post . From a distance he looked like a belt buckle with boots and a Stetson hat . A plump waitress with coffee colored eyes that sang despair stopped at the table . Cullin ordered himself another double and a beer for Mitch . Mitch watched her ass as she walked away . " I fucked her last year , " he said . " It 's a question of grammar . He says ' take these broken wings ' which tells the whole story . Say that I want you to pick up your pencil and write something . I 'd say ' take your pencil and ' , but if I 'm offering you my pencil I 'd say ' take this pencil and ' . See , so if he was telling the bird to use its wings he 'd say ' take your wings and learn to fly ' but that isn 't the case at all . He says ' take these wings ' so it sounds to me like he wants to offer the bird his broken wings and his sunken eyes . It 's like he wasted what he had and can 't see or fly so he hopes that the bird can make batter use of those things than he did . It 's really sad if you think about it . " " I don 't know . I need to piss . " Cullin stood and found his way to the men 's room . After he had emptied his bladder he stood at the sink and took a long look into the reflection of his own eyes . It 's a miserable existence , he thought . There was not nearly enough whiskey in his blood stream to dull the agony of breathing air that she did not share . Cullin understood that as long as she was dead he would not be alive and since there was zero chance that she would cease being dead , there was no chance for him to live again . His heart kept flexing to force blood through his veins simply so that he could accomplish the tasks that were left to him . While he was washing his hands Mitch stepped up beside him and asked " What room you stayin ' in in that motel ? " Mitch walked out into the bar and Cullin dried his hands . The place was called Pier 99 , but you weren 't very likely to encounter any sailors there . It was one of those dark dives that tried a little too hard to elevate dank to an art form . Cullin loved it . That was why he kept coming . The first time he had walked through the door , he had almost written the place off . He would have , too , if it hadn 't been for Frank . Frank had lowered himself into the chair across from Cullin and said " buy me a drink and I 'll tell you a story . " The guy was old , eighty if he was a day , and smelled of Tiger Oil . He was old man thin ; hung on a frame that suggested muscle and sinew that had been there thirty years ago , but had been eroded by the hours . His eyes were milky and blood shot , but far from going dark . His face looked like a badly folded map of Pennsylvania . Cullin lifted his hand to signal the waitress and got the old man his drink . I 'm on the bed when there is a knock at the door . It 's a girl . The waitress from the bar . I don 't know why she 's here , but I think it 's best that I send her away before she sees thee painting . Something is about to break through from the other side and I don 't want her to get hurt . Nietzsche said that things done out of love are beyond good and evil . I hope that is true . Maybe it was about the machine . Or , at least about how the machine could be used . The truck is a machine and it 's use is to take me south . If I go off the reservation I might escape the thing that stalks me . I need to find a shark . Oceans are where sharks live . If mine isn 't in my brain , then I 'll find it in the waters . Far south and if I repeat myself then that is just because I have a chemical imbalance and can 't avoid that sort of thing . I don 't bother to check out of the motel . I just leave the key on the bed and lock the door behind me as i leave . The highway twists to the east before it starts in its primal direction . Sine and Cosine . There is a sunrise somewhere but I cannot see it . All I can sense is the cry of the highway and the dead landscape around me . This is not running . This is not running . I want to be released . Freedom from chains that can 't be seen but can be felt . I fear that when I reach the ocean it will be black and filled with the bloated corpses of children . My eyes cannot handle that , but I need to know for certain . At a truck stop I buy a pre - paid cell phone and a bottle of Jim Beam . " What does that mean ? " His father was sitting next to him on the couch . This was the house where Simms had gown up and the house where his parents still lived and always would . " It gets so cold here . It snows and the rain pounds and the days are too short . Even when summer comes I can 't see the ocean . I dream about it sometimes and it looks green and dark and so big I can 't stand it , dad . I want that ocean . I want to see the water every day and I can 't have that here . I can 't have summer . " Simms kept rubbing his face as he spoke . " You need a drink . " The old man stood and left the room . When he returned he was holding two glasses filled with amber liquid . Simms recognized it as the good Scotch , which never got served to anyone . Simms took a glass and sipped from it . " Thank you . " " I 'm gonna sell everything before I go . It 's cheaper down there . I wont need much . Just some rest . " Simms drank more . He wanted to watch that . In his shape alcoholism was a real risk . It happened a lot to men after they lost their wives . " yeah . There 's no reason anymore . I was here because she was here , and now she isn 't . I feel like I 'm dying , dad . I feel like I 'm dying . " Simms wasn 't crying . He was finished with that . He had cried when they told him that she had been murdered . He had cried every day . He had broken at the funeral . Now he was done . " I know . " " Everyone 's sorry . That 's all anyone can say any more . I 'm fucking sorry . Fuck sorry . ya know ? Fuck sorry . Shove sorry up your ass . " He drained the last of the scotch . " Where 's mom ? I need to tell her good bye . " " May your wishes all come true " is the dumbest thing anyone ever said . What you wish for is never what you really need . Wish for love and get it . See how that turns out for you . Men are just like horses and dogs . Nothing wants to die , but everything does . " We can take care of it . We can take him to the vet and take care of it , son , " he said looking down at the boy whose eyes were already filling with tears as he tried not to look at the broken pile of fur that had been his dog . The man and his child stood by the edge of the road . The truck which had not slowed and had not swerved when the dog had bolted out onto the gravel in front of it was already out of sight . " Okay . " The man walked up the walk and into the house . When he came back he was carrying a Remington . 22 rifle . He handed the gun to the boy and did not watch as his son did the job . After it was over the man looked down at the dead dog . It 's fur was matted with blood and its eyes had gone dark . " I 'll get the shovel , " he said . Simms awoke . There were sounds . Light spread from his side and washed over him and the voices in the distance and squeaks and what was that ? A tube . In his arm . Beeping . And what ? A bed , He was in a bed . A woman in white leaned over him . A hospital . He was in a hospital . His head hurt . He managed to swivel his eyes in their dry sockets and caught sight of Samantha in the chair next to his robotic bed . She was reading a magazine and did not see that he had opened his eyes . Off course she was there . Where else . She was always there . The nurse , a whisper of perfume and a hint of round breasts , swept from the room and he sank back into sleep . He may have woke sometime during that first night and seen her there again . In the morning he couldn 't be sure . He did know that she was still there when the sun rushed in and pulled him from the river of sleep that had pulled him along . " What happened ? " He could remember Les and the bar and stepping out into blinding light and after that everything was gone . " You were in an accident . " She looked about ten years older than she had the last time he had seen her . Her eyes were wet and ringed with angry red . " You 're going to be okay . " His legs were broken . Some ribs . There was a gash running the length of his face and something was wrong with his head . He still couldn 't remember what had happened , but he knew that it must have been bad . There was pain but that wasn 't nearly as troubling as the terrible gap in his memory . Simms worried that the missing pieces would never return . Time passed . A pale diner . The waitress is too thin and calls me ' honey ' every time she comes to my table . She fills my coffee cup every ten minutes and gives me a series of winks that creep me out . I don 't want to tell you the story of how I started drinking . It isn 't one of those cute , instructive stories that teach an important object lesson and gently inform about the human condition . The whole thing is largely pointless , lacking even sturm und drang . If I told you , you 'd likely be bored by the whole thing . You wouldn 't learn anything , and nothing would be illuminated . Besides , you 'll figure it out on your own if you pay attention . Road food is always terrible and I have to wash the taste of it away with a pull from my flask . The Kentucky flavor makes everything better . When it hits my blood the burn will stop . 7 Samantha sat on her small porch thinking about the peeling white paint on the three , mostly , decorative columns that didn 't really hold up the roof . The sun was seriously thinking about setting and the wind had started to rise . It was getting cool . Samantha lit a Chesterfield and looked out across the small yard . Up the block some boys were playing football in the street . They didn 't have pads or helmets , and she hoped that they wouldn 't be seriously injured going down on the pavement . " The house . We need to paint the house . It 's peeling everywhere . The neighbors are going to start complaining that the place looks like crap . " Simms took a swig of his beer . He looked at her . She was beautiful . Maybe not in the way that the girls in the Victoria 's Secret catalogue were beautiful , but in her way she was extraordinary . He wanted her right then . " Yeah , " he said . " I 'll pick up some paint tomorrow . White , right ? " Simms went back inside . Samantha stayed and waited for the sun to pack it in . Despite the whole paint situation she felt pretty good . She was happy . Not fairy tale happy . Not sappy movie happy . Just regular , real life happy . Out here late at night the AM stations give you a real feel for the world you are in . This may be Kansas , or maybe I 've slipped into Oklahoma . It 's hard to see the state line markers in the dark , especially on the back roads . I 'm sticking to the dirt and blacktop as much as possible . There are fewer cops and less chance of an incident . Things can get weird out here . Sometimes I see a shadow moving on the horizon and it looks like a big dorsal fin . I try not to think about it . I try not to think about her either . I 've got a little money hidden away . I could drink and play cards until I just withered . I could die on my own terms without doing the world any real damage . But . I have killing to do . There 's a list in my head and it starts with dealing with that shark . Then there are men on that list . Nothing is random . I know that now and I can see exactly where I stand in the infinite line of causation that stretches all the way back to the singularity that set the entire clockwork mess into motion . I flip the radio station and hear Buck Owens singing about being a monkey . Near the end of the year a man who no longer called himself Macgregor or Simms came to the coast . No one there bothered to ask him his name . If they had he would have told them that it was Cullin . He no longer remembered how long he had traveled to get there . Nor was he certain at what point in the journey he had ceased to be Macgregor or why . For months Cullin waited there in that small village , warming himself in the endless sun and growing stronger each day . He ran on the beach and swam in the ocean and bided his time waiting . If any of the simple fishers who lived there had asked him why he was waiting or what he was waiting for he would have been unable to answer them . 10 I wake up in another anonymous motel room . I don 't remember getting here . This could be anywhere . Check the drawers . Nothing in them except the Gideon Bible , which has nothing to do with me . I believe in only one god and he lives either under the waves or in my mind . She watched as the wind lifted a crisp golden leaf from the ground and held it momentarily aloft , then grew tired and let it fall again . They were gathered under a tent erected to shield the mourners from the rain that had been in the offing all day . It was cold . She thought that the ground must be hard and that the digging could not have been easy . Of course , these days men did not do the work with shovels and picks . They had machines to do all of the heavy lifting . Just as well , she thought . Just as well . The minister was reading something about seasons from a worn leather bible , but she couldn 't concentrate on it . She couldn 't quite understand how any of this could matter ; how it could be real . Someone should have been tolling a bell . Soft music should have played and they should have held hands . But that wasn 't how things were done . When the casket lowered into the welcoming earth people started filing by offering meaningless words and hugs and tears . She couldn 't hear any of it . She looked at him sitting next to her . She saw his hands clenched , knuckles white . That seemed right . He looked different . It wasn 't just that his face looked older , which it did . It wasn 't that his eyes were red , which they were . Somehow he had changed . This was not the man who had married her daughter . This was the man who had lost her . She couldn 't help thinking that somehow she was burying both her daughter and her son in law in the same grave . maybe that seemed right too . |
I am going off today in my caravan . I have been walking the coastal path where I live . To complete the whole walk we are taking a few days living at the far end and walking some of it from there . The total walk is some 90 miles . It will be nice to be in another place and the possibility of meeting other people . I am , my wife tells me an avid people watcher . In truth I love the experience of new people . Some people make it very difficult to get to know them though . They roll out the carpet of unwelcome . Others , it seems just do not know how to take a compliment . Yesterday I popped down to my plot . Before leaving I had been given a gift of two cabbages and a turnip . Feeling good I headed home thinking I would share my joy . I was heading to the newsagent when I bumped into somebody I had not seen in ages . I commented on how well she looked . " What do you mean ? " she said . " Are you saying I do not look good every other day ? You said I look good today . That must mean I do not look good every day . " I decided not to offer her the extra cabbage . Some people have a wonderful art of changing a compliment into an insult . Strangers beware ! I remember once visiting a new church while on holiday . My son and I attended the early morning service . Not one member of that congregation spoke to us at that service . The following Sunday we returned . This time I put on my ministerial collar . We were overwhelmed by people wanting to welcome us . I said nothing about the pervious week , but when invited to preach the following Sunday . I preached on the carpet of unwelcome . I told them maybe they need to have a welcome mat . That congregation did just that . They had a rota of people who were there looking for strangers . I am sure many visitors enjoyed their visit to that church that summer . It is all about attitude really . Some people look for rejection . Let me end with a great little story . A young trainee salesman had become discouraged because he had been rejected by so many of the customers he approached . He asked a more experience " Why is it that every time I make a call on someone I get rejected ? " Rejection isn 't what happens to us but how we interpret what happens to us . Oh the cabbage ! I said good morning to a stranger after purchasing my newspaper . He responded by commenting on the weather and stopped to pass the time of day . I hope he enjoyed the cabbage . Somebody said to me the yesterday , " Ralph there is no need to say thank you . " Of course there is a need to say thank you . I can tell you now I appreciate when somebody makes a nice comment or shows they appreciate something I have done . Knowing how I feel I want to make sure others know how much I appreciate them . What does it cost to say thank you , and even more important what does it cost to accept thanks ? There is a true story of the old lady who lived alone . Her next door neighbour baked regularly for her fellowship coffee mornings . One day she decided to make a chocolate cake extra for her neighbour . When the neighbour opened her door , she was surprised to see her holding the chocolate cake . She said , " For me ? Oh , thank you so much ! You just don 't know how much I appreciate it ! You are so thoughtful for doing this ! Thank you ! " Because the old lady had liked the cake so much , she decided the next week to bake her another one . When she took it over , the old lady opened the door and said , " Thank you so much . You are so kind ! " The following week , she baked her another cake . This time her neighbour said , " Try using a little more sugar and don 't bake it quite as long . The top has been a little bit hard lately . " The next week she was so busy , she was unable to cook for her neighbour . When she passed by her house on the way to the store , the old lady looked through the window and noticed she wasn 't carrying a cake . She then stuck her head out the window and yelled , " Where 's my cake ? ! " It 's so easy to get used to our blessings . After enjoying them for a while , we begin to think we deserve them . Then instead of being thankful , we complain . It 's a process that occurs so slowly , we don 't even realize it 's happening . I remember one day out running with a friend . As we ran along the canal bank he stopped , bent down and picked something up . I watched as he unfolded it . It was a five pound note . I commented , " Your lucky day . " he looked at me and said , " If it had been you it would have been a ten pound note . " Complainers so easily look at the negative side of all things . They do not give thanks , and they complain about what they have because it is never enough . My goodness I am on my hobby horse these last two days . Forgive me and thanks again to all of you who day in and day out read this blog and take time to comment or get in touch . I leave you with a little thought , and a question . The question first ! Are you a you a thanker or a complainer ? Complaining is like bad breath , you notice it when it comes out of somebody else 's mouth but not your own . Have a thankful day . This is the way of the Tao . I had a marvellous day yesterday with my daughter . It was just one of those days when everything just went right . I hate timetables , but my daughter likes to be organised so I had taken the time to find out bus times . I wandered down to the village , bought a paper and arrived at the bust stop just as the bus before the one I was heading for arrived . The bus driver saw me heading to the stop and kindly waited and I was off . I arrived in Edinburgh to a beautiful sunny day . From there on , the day just got better and better . Over lunch we talked about how we could sort out the world problems . Amazingly simple ! Teach people to stop blaming everybody else and take responsibility for the error of their ways . I do not know what it is like where you are , but here there are so many stories of people looking to blame somebody , and nobody ever wants to take the blame . Of course sometimes an accident is just that , an accident , and there is no blame . Maybe we also need to learn that lesson also . Here in Scotland we have this lovely phrase , " It Wisnae Me . " I reminded my daughter that we learn that syndrome very early in life . The day , I heard crying , and went up to my son 's room . My daughter was there also . Ross my son was in tears . Before I could say anything she said , " It wisnae me . " I asked why he was crying and was informed he had hit his head off a bat that was lying on the floor . " Where was the bat at the time ? " I asked . " In my hand . " said my daughter . There is a true story of a young girl who the week before her final exams at university went to a Buddhist monastery to ask the monks if they would say some chants each day to help her pass her examinations . The monk she spoke to did not believe that was how it worked but he did agree to do so thinking it might boost her confidence . They never saw the girl again , but they did hear rumours that she was telling everybody that the monks were failures . She had failed her exams because their chants were no use . She forgot to mention she had spent all the academic year partying . I apologise if that is too coarse but it does bring me back to where I started . We need to stop blaming everybody else before first looking and asking about our own part in the things that annoy us . Lets start with who is holding the bat . Today I will be spending the day with the love of my life , my pride and joy , my daughter . We are to attend the Gallery of Modern Art where they are showing an exhibition called Another World . It includes some great works from Dali and the other surrealists . Then we head back to the book festival to listen to one of our favourite crime authors , Mark Billingham . So it looks like today will be a day when I will be full of pride and together we will have a good time , and once again she will lead me off the straight and narrow . In other words I may have an ale , let me say that again I may have two ales . She has always been an independent person , once her mind was made up it was hard to make her shift . If she decided that wellington boots and a summer dress was what she was wearing it was best just to go along with her . At a very early age she insisted on going to the shops herself , with her trollybag and purse . This involved me phoning various friends along the route to look out and make sure she was safe . When she got older , and left home to go to university , I told her I would rather not know what was happening . She laughed and said . " Dad I will share the edited version with you . " The truth was I never really worried about her . Unlike the mother who got the following letter from her son when he was away from home at scout camp . Dear Mum We are having a great time here in the highlands . Mr Ross , the scout leader , is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried . We are OK . Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away . Luckily , none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Barry when it happened . Oh yes , please call Barry 's mother and tell her he is OK . He can 't write because of the plaster on his arm . I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps . It was neat . We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn 't been for the lightning . Mr Ross got mad at Barry for going on a hike alone without telling anyone . Barry said he did tell him , but it was during the fire so he probably didn 't hear him . Did you know that if you put gas on a fire , the gas can will blow up ? The wet wood still didn 't burn , but one of our tents did . Also some of our clothes . John is going to look weird until his hair grows back . We will be home on Saturday if Mr Ross gets the minibus fixed . It wasn 't his fault about the wreck . The brakes worked OK when we left . Mr Ross said that a minibus as old as ours you have to expect something to break down ; that 's probably why he can 't get insurance on it . We think it 's a neat van . He doesn 't care if we get it dirty ; and if it 's hot , sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate . It gets pretty hot with 10 people inside . He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the police stopped and talked to us . Mr Ross is a neat guy . Don 't worry . He is a good driver . In fact , he is teaching Terry how to drive . But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn 't any traffic . All we ever see up there are forestry trucks . This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake . Mr Ross wouldn 't let me because I can 't swim and Barry was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe across the lake . It was great . You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood . Mr Ross isn 't strict and moI have to go now . We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets . Don 't worry about anything . We are fine . Love , David . I have a father in law who is ninety - two years young . He has just had new replacement windows and doors put into his house , so it seems he intends to be around for a bit yet . Strange , because when you visit him all he has to tell you is that he is unable to do anything . He cannot see when he takes off his spectacles , he is dizzy when he gets out of his seat , and it takes him ages to get dressed in the morning . When I was a parish minister I used to visit an old man in my parish . Every morning he used to do press ups , one for every day of his life . He used to wonder why as the years went on it got harder . I asked him if maybe it had to do with the increasing number of press ups . Two worthy characters indeed . They say we get wiser with age , I don 't believe it , we just get more foolish . We forget to account of the simple reality that we are getting older . Reminds me of the two old men in the nursing home . Old John said to his pal George , " I am 85 and I feel I am falling apart . How are you feeling George ? " George responded , " Even though I am nearly 100 I feel like a new born babe . " " How can you possible feel like that ? " said John . " Well , " said George , " I have no teeth , I am nearly bald , I cannot sleep through the whole night and I am back in nappies ( Diapers ) . " I am telling you this , because yesterday I went running and I did the same run as I did the day before and I arrived home exhausted . I complained to my wife . She reminded me I had not only run the day before but walked also . She also pointed out that I had not tried to run the distance in the time I had that morning . I looked at the clock and went to the shower feeling amazing . Somebody once said to me that life was all about , " attitude , attitude young man ! " An old lady living in the same nursing home as John and George complained to the nurse . " My arms are so weak I can hardly lift a cup of coffee . My cataracts are so bad I can 't even see my toothbrush . I can 't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck . My blood pressure medicine makes me dizzy . But thank God , I can still drive ! " I keep telling the younger people I pass when out running . Just let me rephrase that , I keep telling the young people who pass me when I am out running . That I only have one problem in life , " Youth Deficiency . " It is amazing though how I speed up when one of those who pass me is of the fairer sex . I am so glad that we can still laugh in the face of adversity . I am about to go and try that run again , I know it is foolish , I should have a rest day . I tell you what . Why don 't I just go and try it , you go get a nice cup of warm coffee and laugh at me . Remember we do not stop laughing because we get old . We get old because we stop laughing . Have a laugh on me today . But whatever have a great day . This blog is linked to my other . Self Before I write this blog today , can I say that I am expressing my own personal view , speaking entirely for myself , and not about anybody else ? I am sure that there are many people who get much support from some organisations such as the one I am about to talk about . If you are a member I am sure you thought about it before you joined and that it was right for you . From time to time friends ask me if I am a member of Mensa . I am not . At one time in my life I went through the process of completing the form and having my IQ worked out to see if I would be eligible . Pretty awesome for somebody who was asked to leave school at 15 , because I would never progress in the world of education ? I discovered I would qualify to apply for membership . Then wondered why I would want to . I mention this because the question came up again yesterday . I told the person who asked the following tale . A few years ago , there was a Mensa convention . Several of the members who were attending decided to lunch together at a local cafe . While dining , one of them discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and the pepper shaker was full of salt . Now this gave them an interesting dilemma . How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling , and using only the implements at hand ? Clearly , this was a job for Mensa ! The group debated and presented ideas . After some considerable time they finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin , a straw , and an empty saucer . They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution . " Oh , I am sorry about that . " She said . She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them . Without another word she left them to complete their meals and their deliberations . How very easy it is to be proud of the talents we have and the abilities we have acquired with time . The wise sage is the one who stays quiet about such matters and offers help when asked . I remember having fun creating newspaper headlines . The game was to create a headline that would catch the attention and then to have the first lines of the article that would go with the headline . It seems the bottom line is not so much what you know in life but how you use what you know . Whether we use it for self gain or for the help of others . I am aware I am speaking to bloggers who day by day use what they know to help others and it is good to be part of such a community . This blog is linked to my other . The Tiger A Product Review . I received an email from a lady called Alise Johnson she asked me to review a software product . I normally would never do such a thing but as some of you know I have been having terrible problems with a very sluggish computer . Yesterday I took time to try this software . Digeus System Optimizer . It took time to use , possibly because my computer was in such a state , but I have to say that this morning my computer started in half the normal time and it does seem to be running much smoother and faster today . I would therefore recommend this product to you . If you wish to know further about this I would be happy to send you the link or you could get in touch with them yourself . Posted by I thank you for yesterday 's responses . I was aware that such lists had been around for a long time , that is after all the way of life . Seldom does anybody come up with a new idea . I found this idea along with the letter writing idea many years ago . I will explain that in a moment . I liked both ideas and took them on board and made them my own . From time to time I drag them out from my documents folder and consider them , make amends , remove and add or adapt , until I feel happy with them . The whole process I find helpful and it gives me the opportunity to consider how I feel my life is going . I do this on the basis that it is never too old to learn . My first list was about eleven items long . When I dragged it out the other day it had crept up to nearly 30 . I shared what I considered the ten I had changed the least over recent years . The letters are much more difficult . I have attempted to write to everybody I have ever hurt or offended . Some people answered others did not . But I have learned , that it is for me worth the time doing this . Yesterday I bumped into a recipient of one such letter . The person recognised me in the store and came over and spoke to me . How wonderful an encounter and made the letter worthwhile . We parted laughing as she told me the very true story of her friend . Her husband and her had gone to the Edinburgh Festival Ticket Office and purchased a number of tickets for some shows . The wife looked at them and said to her husband , " You silly man all these tickets are for ten past eight . How can we be at the same venue at the same time ? " He looked at her , and then the tickets . " You are the silly one , " he said . " The tickets are for the year 2010 not the hour 2010 . She looked at him feeling a fool but they laughed . He used the story to write a letter to the paper and one the letter of the day competition . It is the story of the employer who asked one of his staff to clean the lifts ( elevators in the USA ) . He had a difficult time getting staff to do the job well . Four days later he bumped into the man still cleaning . He asked why the job was taking so long , but did complement him on how clean they were . The man explained that it was an enormous job . He asked the employer if he realised there were 40 of these things to clean . Two on each floor and sometimes they were not even there . People are indeed so funny but I rejoice that there are always people who can leave us feeling good because we have been in their company for even just a short time . I sure do not want to make him any angrier with me so he will remain nameless . He had come up to the village and left his wallet at home . He wanted to write me an IOU for the price of a pint of milk and a dram and half pint of ale . I refused point blank to accept his IOU , instead I offered to purchase the pint of milk and then go with him while he had his whisky and his half pint of ale . I would then drive him home . We had spent a good time at our vegetable plots and the time together relaxing would be worth every penny . He reluctantly agreed . It was while I was driving him home his pride got the better of him and he said , " I am angry you would not accept my IOU . " Friendship is the most wonderful thing we have and it has to be cherished . I have decided I will probably forget my wallet next week some time . I will do this because of some of the things life has taught me over the years . Let me share just one or two of them with you . What has been happening to me , these last few days , so very serious ? Yesterday I met a friend of mine and he asked me if I was alright . I wondered what he meant . He then went on to say you are looking and sounding very serious and down . The truth is I was not , I was in fact feeling good , apart from the pain in my back after falling off my bike . This made me think of the artist who was concerned that she had not sold any paintings for some time . She called the gallery owner where she had paintings hanging to ask if there had been any interest . He replied , " I have good news and bad news for you . In what order would you like it ? " " Well , " said the gallery owner " A gentleman came into the gallery and asked if I thought you art would appreciate in value after your death . I tod him I was sure that it would . He purchased all of your paintings . " The trouble was he had already paid his model for the day . When she arrived he told her he did not feel like painting so instead could they just sit and chat . She agreed . He opened a bottle of good wine and produced some lovely fresh fruit and cheese . He put on a piece of his favourite music , and they just sat and enjoyed each others company . Later he heard the banging of a car door . His wife had arrived home early . We artists , we are indeed a strange lot of people . Seems most of you who read this blog qualified on the test of ten I set you yesterday . Susan had me laughing when she reminded me of another . " The cold cup of coffee . " One morning my wife got up early and offered to make me a coffee . I have a lovely pottery cup I was given by her mother . I love coffee from it . She came back with the coffee and said , " I looked for your mug and I found five cups of cold coffee in the process . I am sure I am not alone in asking myself why it is that I feel the need to paint . I have had a real dry period in terms of sales having sold very little for some time . I have painted and repainted a number of canvas . I have questioned and questioned why I keep trying when I see so many who are better than me . Yet try as much as I can I still seem to want to create . I have taken out a membership of the National Galleries of Scotland . This allows me unlimited access to all exhibitions for a year . My thinking was that if I saw real artists work I would happily admit I will never be like them and just enjoy the art of others . The opposite seems to be the case , the more you see the more you wish to create . So To lighten my mood I have been thinking of some of the crazy things that I have done since I began this painting . When I make a list of them it is so long I would not bore you with them all . But today I thought I had been making fun of teachers for long enough . So , a reality check . How many of you can relate to any of the following . I thought I would list possibly ten of the silly things I have done . I would suspect if you can say yes to five of them you must be as mad as me . But beware , there is a great little tale of the two friends . Bill and Tom . Tom had just broken up from a long term relationship . he was of course feeling down . Bill agreed to organise a blind date for him . On meeting after the date Tom shouted at Bill him angrily : " Bill , what kind of a guy do you think I am . That girl you fixed me up with was cross - eyed ; she was almost bald ; her nose was long , thin and crooked ; she had hair growing on her face ; she was flat chested ; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs " . Bill answered : " Either you like Picasso , or you don 't like Picasso . " I hope the paint goes with you today . I am off to make another coffee there seems to be something floating on top of this one . This blog is linked to my other . Stormy Days I will get back to that title I promise you . Yesterday I spent some quality time with my daughter at the Edinburgh Book Festival . We do this every year at this time , we select a few authors we would like to go and listen to , then decide how we will fill the rest of the day around it . Yesterday we were going to listen to only one author , so we also visited the National Art Gallery together . Between the two we had a nice ale and a meal . While we were sitting together enjoying the food and the ale we were also trying to discuss the exhibition we had attended . The trouble was I could not concentrate . Sitting at the table behind me were three young ladies in full flight of conversation . They were speaking loudly so it was almost impossible to ignore them . There is nothing worse than hearing every word of a conversation and not understanding a thing said . No , they were not visitors from overseas , but they could have been for all I understood . Let me explain by sharing a quick little story . A teacher was walking along a corridor of the school and noticed a student walking towards her . She knew this pupil should be in a class and that the girl was renowned for skipping classes . She asked her , " What class are you skipping this time ? " The dying art of communication ! But it is not always one way . Sometimes we older people assume what we say is straightforward . A teacher said to a young student called Patrick , " If I give you two rabbits , then give you another two , and then another two . How many rabbits do you have ? " " Let 's try that again . " says the teacher . " If I give you two rabbits , then give you another two , and then another two . How many rabbits do you have ? " " Let me try something else , " says the teacher . " If I give you two apples , then give you another two , and then another two . How many apples do you have ? " " Good , " says the teacher . Now let us try again . " If I give you two rabbits , then give you another two , and then another two . How many rabbits do you have ? " Another strike averted the negotiations between union and management have had a successful outcome . This was the news that I awoke to this morning . The possible closure of six of the UKs largest airports has been avoided . Tomorrow somewhere another set of negotiations will begin . I suppose it is better that people get round tables and speak to one another rather than the alternative . This was always a line I took with my children . They wanted something I in return wanted something , it was amazing how often we could find common ground . There were of course times when negotiations hit a wall and I had to draw the line in the sand . " While you are living under my roof , eating my food , and are under 16 / 18 that is a decision I have made . Maybe I was fortunate in that I had two children who were sensible enough to realise when they had reached that line . This tact fortunately was not used often , and I never really felt comfortable when I had been forced to resolve to this method . MY neighbour 's daughter has reached the age of learning to drive . Negotiations loom on the near horizon , about the use of family vehicles . The son had gone through the process of learning to drive and had sat and passed his driving test . The son approached the father to ask about the use of the family car . The father responded by saying that this would require some negotiation , and invited him to sit down and they would discuss . Some weeks later the son requested that the negotiations resume . The pair sat down and began to talk . The father noted that the son had raised his grades from Cs to Bs and in some cases even better , to As . At this point the son interrupted . He informed his father that during the said study he had learned that Samson had long hair . He had also learned that John the Baptist had long hair . What he thought was his winning comment was that he had very good evidence to believe that Jesus had long hair . How nice is it to sit here this morning planning my day , wondering what I will do with it . Will I go down and do the much needed clearing up at my plot or will I paint . One thing I will certainly do is head out for a run . I may not be losing the weight as fast as I would like but I am at least getting a feeling of well being and fitness . Two in - service days and the students will arrive and all will be well . I always used to begin the first lesson of the new academic year with a reminder to all my students of the wonderful value of education . Not just to get a job , but to enlarge them and expand their horizons . To give them visions of how things could be . Education the doorway to enlightenment . I remember on year a student saying to me , " You do not have to be clever to be in a position to change the world . Look at George Bush . " What could I say ? He did not identify the man , who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction . " Al - Gebra is a problem for us " , the Attorney General said . " They desire solutions by means and extremes , and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values . " As I sit here this morning I feel the need to crawl back into bed and go to sleep . I had a party last night it was very drunken and very noisy and it went on till about 3 . 45 am . Now before you say well it is your own fault you are tired , let me explain . I was not at the party , the party was in my street . I suspect some neighbours had gone away for the weekend leaving their son at home . So what does he do ? He decides to have a party and invite his friends . His friends in turn invite others . So at 3 . 45am there were some 30 or 40 of them running about in the street making loads of screaming noises , and I will draw a veil over some of the other things that were happening . I was going to do something to have the noise stopped , instead I remembered that at their age I would have probably been doing the very same . Just because they look like adults and wish to be treated like adults does not make them adults . Had I suspected they were in any real danger I may well have done something . Instead I lay in bed counting , not sheep but the parties I had attended . Yesterday seemed to be party day in my street . Earlier in the day my next door neighbour had a party in her back garden . Her son was celebrating his second birthday . They had great fun . I was reminded of the tale of the teacher trying to make children adults too soon . Well you see if you ask children to be adults they might be just that . Forgive the use of that word but I always laugh when I think of that book . When my daughter was very young , I had a CB radio in my car . In those days people had a handle , a code name . Being a minister of religion mine was of course , Sky Pilot . My daughter Lindsey loved the Pooh books so her handle was , Linnie the Pooh . My son in his innocence one day asked why Lindsey was always asking to go for a pooh . Josephine Tale Pedlar has what she calls her happy Friday blog , or something to that effect , it is always upbeat . I suppose this is because it is the start of the weekend , a time to relax . I always laugh to myself because Saturday is my nightmare day . Shopping to be done and then lets just have a look in , the next ten shops , I just cant wait for it to happen . MY daughter in law was all excited last night . She starts back to her teaching on Monday , the summer is over . She is starting in a new school and looking forward to it so much she bubbles . Made me think back to my teaching days and the end of summer . How I could not get back to the kids , I had missed them so much . Anyway have a good last weekend and remember you must not be late of the first day back . Not like the family who had just moved into a new area and overslept . The daughter was sure to be late for school . The father , though late for work himself had to drive her . Since he did not know the way , he said that she would have to direct him to the school . They drove past many streets before she told him to turn for the first time , several more before she indicated another turn . This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school , it proved to be only a short distance from their home . The father , much annoyed , asked his daughter why she 'd led him around in such a circle . The child explained , " That 's the way the school bus goes , Daddy . It 's the only way I know . " One day a man saw an old lady , stranded on the side of the road , but even in the dim light of day , he could see she needed help . So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out . His old Ford was still sputtering when he approached her . Even with the smile on his face , she was worried . No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so . Was he going to hurt her ? He didn 't look safe ; he looked poor and hungry . He could see that she was frightened , standing out there in the cold . He knew how she felt . It was those chills which only fear can put in you . He said , " Can I help you sort that tyre ? Why don 't you wait in the car where it 's warm ? By the way , my name is Bryan Mac Taggart " Well , all she had was a flat tyre , but for an old lady , that was bad enough . Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack , banging his knuckles as he did so . Soon he was able to change the tyre . But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt . As he was tightening up the nuts , she rolled down the window and began to talk to him . She told him that she was from and was only just passing through . She couldn 't thank him enough for coming to her aid . Bryan just smiled as he closed her boot after putting away the punctured tyre . The lady asked how much she owed him . Any amount would have been all right with her . She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped . Bryan never thought twice about being paid . This was not a job to him . This was helping someone in need , and there had been plenty who had given him a hand in the past . He had lived his whole life that way , and it never occurred to him to act any other way . A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe . She thought she would stop and relax and have a small meal before finishing her journey . It was a dingy looking restaurant . The whole scene was unfamiliar to her . The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair . She had a sweet smile , one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn 't erase . The lady noticed the waitress was far into a pregnancy , but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude . The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger . Then she remembered Bryan . After the lady finished her meal , she paid with a twenty pound note . The waitress quickly went to get change for her , but the old lady had slipped right out the door . She was gone by the time the waitress came back . The waitress wondered where the lady could be . Then she noticed something written on the napkin . There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote : " You don 't owe me anything . I have been there too . Somebody once helped me out , the way I 'm helping you . If you really want to pay me back , here is what you do : Do not let this chain of love end with you . " Well , there were tables to clear , sugar bowls to fill , and people to serve , but the waitress made it through another day . That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed , she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written . How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it ? With the baby due next month , it was going to be hard … . It was bound to happen on day sooner or later . Every Wednesday is bin day where I live . That means we but out our rubbish ( garbage ) for collection . One week it is just the household rubbish the following it is household and garden and so on . Usually they are emptied in the morning and I go out and put my bin away and any of the neighbours bins still out I wheel away for them also . Yesterday I had not heard them arrive so it had gone out of my mind altogether . Later in the day I drove out the drive in reverse , you have guessed it , and hit the bin scattering my rubbish . Nice job to clean up after just having a shower . How often do you let other people 's nonsense change your mood ? Do you let a bad driver , rude waiter , curt boss , or an insensitive employee ruin your day ? Unless you 're the Terminator , for an instant you 're probably set back on your heels . However , the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what 's important . I learned it in the passenger seat of an old mans car . Here 's what happened . We were driving in the right lane when , all of a sudden , a black car shot out of a parking space right in front of us . My friend slammed on his brakes , skidded , and missed the other car 's back end by just inches ! The driver of the other car , the guy who almost caused a big accident , whipped his head around and he started yelling obscenities at us . My friend just smiled and waved at the guy in a very friendly way . So , I said , " Why did you just do that ? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital ! " And this is when he told me what I now call , " The Law of the Bin Lorry . " ( For those of you on the other side of the pond substitute Garbage Truck ) Many people are like rubbish trucks . They run around full of rubbish , full of frustration , full of anger , and full of disappointment . As their rubbish piles up , they need a place to dump it . And if you let them , they 'll dump it on you . When someone wants to dump on you , don 't take it personally . You just smile , wave , wish them well , and move on . You 'll be happy you did . So this was it : The " Law of the Rubbish Truck . " I started thinking , how often do I let Rubbish Trucks run right over me ? And how often do I take their rubbish and spread it to other people a work , at home , on the streets ? It was that day I said , " I 'm not going to do anymore . " Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting . Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses . Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present , and at their best for the people they care about . The bottom line is that successful people do not let rubbish trucks take over their day . What about you ? What would happen in your life , starting today , if you let more rubbish trucks pass you by ? Here 's my bet . You 'll be happier . Life 's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets , so . Love the people who treat you right . Forget about the ones who don 't . I told this tale to a lad yesterday . He was getting a lot of stick from others because he is different . He sent me a lovely text this morning saying he had let three rubbish trucks pass him this morning and was feeling better for it . I knew the minute I did it I should not have , talked about my dear old Gran I mean . She was in my mind for the rest of the day . The things we did together and the sayings she had . Another favourite of hers was this one , " Fools and bairns should never see a job half done . " I will come back to that saying again on my other blog , because I do hope you have noticed that the artwork on here today is not in fact a painting , but a half finished one . It is like something else that happened yesterday . My wife never tells me jokes , for two reasons . One she often does not see the funny in the punch line , or she has forgotten the ending . So it was with great surprise I heard her say she had a joke to tell me . We were out walking at the time . An hour later I had heard the beginning of the joke but she had forgotten the ending . Now how frustrating is that . I spent a lot of time later trying to work out what the ending to that joke could be . It is a bit like this . Two factory workers were talking . The female said that she was going to get her boss to give her a day off . The man asked how she was going to manage that . She told him to watch and learn . When the boss appeared she jumps up and hangs upside down from the ceiling . The boss of course asks her what she is doing . She tells him she is a light bulb . The man then takes off his overalls and begins to put on his jacket . The boss asks him what he is doing . " I am going home . How can I possibly be expected to work in the dark . I did not think anybody would be at all interested in what I ate , sorry Jerry . My daughter made a marvellous Thai Green Curry while I cooked fresh rainbow trout on the fire outdoors . The trout were stuffed with leeks and dill fresh from my plot and lemon . The only small problem was the string I held all this into the fish had a tendency to want to burn . Such is life . Now while you think of that I am thinking of that fresh grown tomato , there is nothing to beat produce freshly picked . When she got to an age where she gained enough skill and sensibility to go outside her garden fence , she asked her mother is she could go for a bike ride outside the gate and down the lane . After pleading with her , her mother finally allowed her to go , insisting that she kept close to the house and didn 't wander too far . The day was beautiful and the little girl knew exactly where she was heading ! Down the lane and across the valley , she rode her bike until she got to the gate of the golden house across on the other hill . She realized that she had been living in her golden house and all the love and care she found there was what made her home the ' golden house ' . Everything she dreamed was right there in front of her nose ! As they say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence . This blog is linked to my other . Castles in the Sky Thanks to all who left kind words and thoughts , over the last two days . Yesterday ended up to be a beautiful day with the sun shinning all day long , the first day this week this has been the case . We had our meal outside in the garden surrounded by the butterflies . It had been agreed that the day would be kept light . When my family get together the conversations tend to get deep and heavy . So not much food for thinking about todays blog . So I go deep into my thoughts this morning to think of one of my favourite stories . Strangely this little tale with the title heaven and hell never actually makes me think of those two things at all rather they make me think of my actions and the way I respond to the aggression of others . The old monk sat by the side of the road . With his eyes closed , his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap , he sat . In deep meditation , he sat . Suddenly his zazen was interrupted by the harsh and demanding voice of a samurai warrior . " Old man ! Teach me about heaven and hell ! " At first , as though he had not heard , there was no perceptible response from the monk . But gradually he began to open his eyes , the faintest hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth as the samurai stood there , waiting impatiently , growing more and more agitated with each passing second . " You wish to know the secrets of heaven and hell ? " replied the monk at last . " You who are so unkempt . You whose hands and feet are covered with dirt . You whose hair is uncombed , whose breath is foul , whose sword is all rusty and neglected . You who are ugly and whose mother dresses you funny . You would ask me of heaven and hell ? " The samurai uttered a vile curse . He drew his sword and raised it high above his head . His face turned to crimson and the veins on his neck stood out in bold relief as he prepared to sever the monk 's head from its shoulders . " That is hell , " said the old monk gently , just as the sword began its descent . In that fraction of a second , the samurai was overcome with amazement , awe , compassion and love for this gentle being who had dared to risk his very life to give him such a teaching . He stopped his sword in mid - flight and his eyes filled with grateful tears . " And at , " said the monk , " is heaven . " And that is the way of Toa . I apologise if yesterday I gave the impression that my anniversary was then . Yesterday was the day I had to complete the long list of preparation tasks I had been set by my family . Today is the day , 40 years to the day when I got married . I remember it well because it was a simple wedding with family and friends . Being at the time a student studying theology there were more ministers there than at most . Six if you count me as one of them . I enjoy thin king back to all those weddings and rejoice when I hear of couples still together and happy . Unlike the girl who on returning from her honeymoon was asked by her mother how it had gone . " It was marvellous , mother , and so romantic . But since we got home it is terrible , John has changed and is using terrible language , all those four letter words . " " Calm down , " said her mother , " tell me what are the four letter words he is using . " " Terrible words like , cook , dust , wash and iron . " I find it sad that we live in an age where relationships do not last . It is as if we are constantly looking for perfection and when we have to face reality we just give up . Nobody should ever have to live in an unhappy relationship , but it does often seem that we have lost the idea of working at making things better . We seek instant everything including happiness . We need to find some way of making things last a bit longer to give life a chance . Like the couple married for 48 years with ten children and 23 grandchildren . Asked how they had managed to stay together the lady said , " We made a pact at the beginning . The first one to consider leaving had to take all the kids with them . " Today it will be for me all go , so much to do , so I am going to keep this short today . Tomorrow is a big day in my family . My children wanted to take me out for a meal to celebrate but after much consideration and talk it has been agreed to have a family gathering at home . It is only after 6 am in the morning and already I have been given a list of things I have to do in preparation . I cannot understand what all the fuss is about ; my family come here frequently for meals . Just because some 40 years ago I stood beside my wife and said , " I do . " I keep telling her if I had murdered her I would have been paroled ages ago . But here we are on the threshold of this big step in life , a ruby wedding . I will rejoice I do not have to get all dressed up and wear a flower . Will put my kilt on and relax and think of Jerry in his Indian shoes . Ok I can hear you all saying this is so not true . It is true that tomorrow is that special day , what is not true is I am being anything like I sound . I feel pleased that I have reached this stage in life and will tomorrow be reminded of it all . More important I will be sharing it with my family who are very precious to me . But it just shows how you can always see everything in two different ways . I read a blog from somebody yesterday who visited my blog . A young lad who seemed to think he was of no value to anybody at all . I then noticed 615 people were following his blog . Who is he kidding , only himself . I want this day to be light hearted and joyful . To help you have a good day I have two little tales for you that make me smile . A boy was skating on one skate . A man saw him and said , " Don 't you know that you 're supposed to skate on 2 skates ? " The boy said , " Someone stole my other skate , and that 's why I 'm skating on one . " As the man walked away , the boy yelled , " Hey Mister ! Did you know that you can still have a lot of fun on just one skate ? " A grouchy man walked into a cafe . After sitting down , he couldn 't find on the menu what he was hungry for . Ten minutes passed and still no one had waited on him . Finally he yelled to a waitress who was walking by , " Hey ! Do you serve crabs here ? " I was thinking about the number of people I know who are busy in the queue waiting . No they are not waiting for a train or a bus they are waiting for things to change . if we are all honest we have all stood in that self same queue at one time or another . We convince ourselves that life will be better after we have left school and university , or it will be better once we get married , have a baby , then another . Then we 're frustrated that the children are not old enough and we 'll be more content when they are . Later , we 're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with . We 'll certainly be happy when they 're out of that stage . The truth is , there 's no better time to be happy than right now . If not now , when ? Too late to be happy yesterday and tomorrow well not a lot we can do about that until it comes . One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D . Souza . He said , " For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life . But there was always some obstacle in the way , something to be gotten through first , some unfinished business , time still to be served , or a debt to be paid . Then life would begin . At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life . " This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness . Happiness is the way . So , treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special , and they were prepared to share it with you , special enough to spend your time with . . . and remember that time waits for no one . How many times as an artist I have waited till I got the correct colour the correct canvas . The number of times I have waited for the right moment or the right feeling . As I have said so many times on this blog the time for waiting is over . Oh and just to get you started the lady waiting for the bus . Let me tell you about her . She was wanting to go to visit a special art gallery . She asked a policeman how to get there . he told her to wait at the bus stop and catch the 46 . Two hours later he passed again she was still there . He asked her why she was not at her gallery . She told him not to worry she would get there soon the 42nd bus had just passed so only four to go . I have said many times that we have to continually make choices in life and the choices we make effect everything that follows . I have also said more than once that we should always be making positive choices . I was asked a very interesting question yesterday while talking to somebody about this very subject . It had all begun when the person looked at the artwork I have included today . More of that elsewhere on my other blog . One way or another , the two people I was chatting to were sure , that there were many situations in which it was impossible to be positive . One of the two has been unemployed for some length of time . He said that it was impossible to stay positive in such a situation . He has applied for many jobs and keeps getting letters telling him his application has been unsuccessful . How can you be positive ? I am aware that there are for all of us difficult times life is such that it is impossible to go through it without . The truth is still the same , making positive choices each day are the way to face all things . This brings me to a true story . A friend owned a restaurant which was always very busy . More than that he had kept the same staff with one or two small changes for most of the years he had the restaurant . He was a very positive thinking person and he always taught his staff to be the same . The result was that the customers attended not only for the food . They came because they knew they would leave feeling well fed and feeling good about themselves . He heard me say one day that I had been invited to feel miserable but I had refused the invitation , and today was , as Jerry keeps on saying , a good day . He took this saying on board and I heard him share it with customers often . It is all about choices and I will not be moved from that spot . To continue with the story about the restaurant owner . There was one night just after closing time . He and one of the other members of staff were doing a final check of the takings and getting it ready for banking . Two men broke in through the back door brandishing guns . The female member of staff was terrified and reacted . It seems the men though she was going to press an alarm or something and they panicked . A shot was fired as they ran for the door . The owner was hit in the chest . He remembers the being in the ambulance and being told he was going to be fine . He certainly did not feel he was going to be fine and the sight of the faces of the doctors and nurses at the hospital didHe still has his restaurant and all his staff are still working for him . Each day he chooses to have a good day . I am sure you have all heard the saying , " If you want something done ask a busy person to do it . " This saying has stuck with me throughout my life . It goes along with the well know words I have also heard often . " You need to learn to say No . " He was in church attending the Sunday morning worship , which I was conducting . For some reason there was not the normal point in the service where children left to do their own thing under the supervision of adults . My sermon was in full flight . Then I noticed him walking up the aisle towards the front of the church . I paused just long enough to let him give vent . Loudly and clearly I heard him say , " If it is ok with you dad I will just go out and play . This is just going on and on and I am fed up with it . " My wife at that point got hold of him and in a trice he was out the door . I do not know what was said at the back of the door but they both returned quietly and he sat as good as gold till the end of the service . Another example of his strong will bring me back to my main point for today . It was bedtime for him and he was all ready to head off upstairs . I noticed the floor of the sitting room was covered in lego bricks . I asked him to put them away before we went upstairs . " Oh dad I am just far too tired . " I lifted him , sat him on my knee and we did the humpty dumpty . This ended with my opening my legs and letting him fall through with a gentle bump . He loved this silly game . " Do it again dad . " I did , three times . On the request for a fourth I said well how about another three after the bricks have been cleared away . I have never seen anything happening much faster . Very interesting considering how tired he was just a few moments ago . Is it not amazing how we can always find the time to do the things we want to do . How equally easy it is to find reasons to do the things we do not . I wonder how many excuses I will mange to conjure up today ? This blog is linked to my other . Marathon Yesterday I visited the art gallery where they were showing an exhibition of impressionist garden paintings . It was overwhelming . So many of the masters in one place , almost too much for the mind to comprehend in one moment . I was so engrossed in three of Monet 's Water Lilly paintings that I forgot I was alone . I said to the lady standing next to me , " I find these paintings just flood my mind with feelings . " Then I remembered where I was and was about to apologise . She turned and said to me , " Thank you for saying that I was just bursting to say that to somebody but was so aware of being alone . " We spoke together about one or two others and then we went our separate ways . As she was about to leave I thanked her for her comments . She said I had made her day and I think we both left feeling touched by the art and the joy of sharing . It is amazing how easy it is to be uplifted by another and in turn uplift . I have a moving story to share with you . There was a little boy who lived in an orphanage . He was one of the youngest and often felt alone . He used to sit at the window and watch the birds . How he longed to be able to fly . He spoke of it often . " Why cant I fly like the birds ? " Next to the orphanage was a park where he was allowed to go and play . He was so often alone playing in the sandpit . One day there was another lad about his age sitting in the sand . They talked to each other and made castles and magical places . They laughed and joked for what seemed like ages . Time came when it was time to leave . The father of the other lad went behind the park bench and wheeled over a wheelchair . The lad who wanted to fly had not been aware of his new friends disability . He went over to the father and spoke to him . He returned to the lad and said , " I cannot help you to walk or run but I can do something . The father lifted his son onto the orphans back and laughed as they ran round the park . Tears rolled down his cheeks as he laughed at the words of his son . Sitting on his new friends back he waved his arms and shouted loudly . " Look Daddy . I can fly , I can fly . " Having taught world religions and philosophy for so many years I have always been interested in how people seem attracted to the use of special numbers . Consider , seven occurs often , forty is frequently used to consider indeterminate time . Five is another figure that appears and sometimes in the form of two lots of five coming to ten . The Ten Commandments and then the Beatitudes . Islam has its , Five Pillars and Sikhism , has , The Five Ks . None of these numbers are used accidentally , they are significant and so often have deeper and underlying messages . I was reminded yesterday of two that I have used frequently throughout my life . Both have the number five . Forgive me if I am boring , and if I am please say . But I feel an urge today to share them with you . Maybe you might like In a quite moment to consider them and keep or discard . The first is , Five Bad and Five Good . I like to ask myself to stop for a moment and list the five worst things about me . If they are still the same five things as the last time I did this exercise I have not progressed at all . Then I will attempt to list the five best things about me . I always found that it was easier to say five bad than it was five good . I have had to work fairly hard at being able to do both . The other five I would love to share with you I think you might have come across . The Five Balls of Life . They are , Work , Family , Health , Friends and Integrity . We all the time try to keep these balls in the air . What a difference it made to learn that the ball , Work , was a rubber ball . Drop it and it bounced back . The other four are made of glass and if dropped so easily become damaged or maybe even smashed . It was very interesting to read your comments yesterday . I do so enjoy reading the comments people make on blogs . It is a kind and caring community the blogging world . Susan made comment yesterday that I have been fortunate in life to have met a great many people . I am sure she has also . I meet many people because I go out of my way to get into conversations with people . My wife Irene continually makes comment about this . It was only last Friday evening we went out for an ale with my son and daughter - in - law . At one point she asked me if there was anybody in the place I did not know as one after another fellow customers came over to speak to us . I was not always like this . My mother frequently gave me a ticking off for walking with my head bowed . I was extremely shy , and to some extent still am , but life has taught me how to compensate by being extrovert . Does that make any sense ? Another turning point for me was the examination . We had a lecturer at university who came in as an extra to assist us to become both pastors and preachers . She helped us with how to deliver sermons and the correct use of the voice . How I wished I had listened more to her on that topic . She also offered advice in reading body language and how to be a caring pastor . One day she set us an examination , about the third day I met her I think . The examination was mostly on general knowledge . This did not concern me , I was always interested in what was happening . Throughout the paper there were what seemed , very odd questions . What is the first name of the curator ? What is the name of the lady who each days vacuums the carpets in the students lounge ? At the end of the examination I asked her if those four questions were to be taken as part of the grade mark . " Absolutely , " she said . " In your chosen profession , you will meet many people . All are significant . They deserve your attention and care , even if all you do is smile and say ' hello ' . " " I 've never forgotten that lesson . I also learned her name was Dorothy , and later I learned the names of all the cleaners and curators . What a lesson indeed . Before you ask , I do know the names of all the people who follow my blog although one or two names are harder than others to remember . Nothing really I used to know the first names of every member of my congregations . One of whom , Ena , now aged 94 called me yesterday just for a chat . This blog is linked to my other . And So It Was Ralph now resides in the Fife village of Freuchie , a short distance from the Forth Rail and Road Bridges , and from his birthplace of Rosyth . Ralph settled in Fife in 2006 , after some 40 years of residence in different places around Scotland , where he worked as a minister of religion and then as a teacher . He now paints as a vocation , and is inspired by the beauty of his surroundings - natural and structural . Ralph 's artwork is a vibrant and eclectic mix of Landscape Paintings , Seascape Paintings , Abstract Paintings , Still Life Paintings , People Portraits and Animal Portraits . His favoured medium is acrylic . He also uses pastel . This variety ensures that Ralph 's work is alway fresh and original . Ralph has never been to art - school and has not received professional training . His work is organic and comes from his heart . He has a unique and insightful appreciation of his locale . All this makes his work feel familiar yet stirring to the viewer . |
While You Were Awake - While you were awake is about the mystery of a young girls 's murder . The story follows the investigation of two police detectives and the secrets that are unearthed as a consequence . Note : This is purely fiction While you were awake is about the mystery of a young girls 's murder . The story follows the investigation of two police detectives and the secrets that are unearthed as a consequence . Note : This is purely fiction Posted on November 30 , 2015November 30 , 2015 by Benjamin Young Hazel opened her eyes . It was dark and she couldn 't see anything . Her head was pounding . She closed her eyes back again and for what seemed like a few seconds opened it back again . Her vision was blurry . She couldn 't make out her surroundings . Her head was still pounding and there was a numb sensation in her left hand . There was a buzzing sound in her ears , she couldn 't remember where she was or how she got there . Her vision cleared . It was bright . The room white , she was on a bed . She looked at her hand . There was an IV tube attached to it . It connected to a bag full of clear liquid . She was in accident , she remembered . She was probably in a hospital . She tried to sit up , but her head pounded furiously so she lay back down . She tried to remember what had happened . A car ran them off the road . She remembered Her and Toni screaming , then that was it . Oh my god Toni , she thought . Was she alright ? And how had they survived ? " Oh no honey lie back down . " Maria Stuart said rushing to Hazel 's bedside and gently applied pressure to Hazel 's shoulder forcing her to lie back down . " The doctor says you have a concussion . You need to rest . " " Good , very good . " Doctor Kent said . " Do you remember what happened ? " He said turning off the light and placing it back in his pocket . " Okay . " Doctor Kent said . He held out his finger . " Follow my finger with your eyes . " He said moving it from side to side . Hazel obliged . After a few seconds he put it down . And wrote in a chart . " Well you have a concussion so it 's normal to be tired . " Doctor Kent said . " We did a CT scan , found wrong other than a concussion . You were very lucky . " He wrote some more in his chart . " I 'll get you some aspirin for the pain . " He left the room . " Oh , I 'll go get her . " Maria Stuart said . " She has been here all day . " She left the room . A minutes later Toni walked into the room looking perfectly fine . There was a grim look on her face . Toni laughed . Her worried look disappearing momentarily . " That 's because I am indestructible . " She joked going over to Hazel 's bed and giving her a hug . " How are you feeling . " she asked still holding her . " I was here all night . " Toni said . " In the morning I snuck home to get a change of clothes and I came back . You were asleep the whole time . " James sat in his desk looking at the ceiling . He knew he should be feeling elated . The case was solved but all he felt was an emptiness in his chest . He would have never guessed his partner was the one who murdered Thomas Bridges and Jeremiah Gates . His mind went back o the previous night . When he received that card . He quickly put it together and rushed to his car , calling Jakes for backup . He was on his way to Corbin 's house when an accident was reported via radio occurring on Scheiman road . Following his gut , he took a detour there and found Hazel 's car in a gorge at the side of the road . He stopped his car and got down pulling his sidearm and flashlight out . He recognized Corbin 's black car stopped dead center in the middle of the road . Corbin lay on his back unmoving blood coming out of his head . Then he saw another blue car at the far side of the road . Then he heard some noises coming from Hazel 's car . He saw Three huddled shapes climbing out from the ditch . He shined a light towards the shapes and recognized them . Hazel was unconscious , and Toni and Jasmine were supporting her from both side . By then he was already hearing the ambulance sirens blaring . " Lay her on the floor then . " James said . Toni and Jasmine lay her gently on the floor . Jasmine reluctantly put her hands up and James moved in and cuffed her . " What happened . " He asked Toni , who still looked shaken up . " Detective O ' Brian ran us off the road . " Toni said . " He got down from his car and was about to shoot us when Jasmine hit him with her car . Detective , He killed Tom - " " Yeah I 'm fine . " Toni said . The paramedics arrived . James looked at his partner lying down on the ground again . Was he dead ? He thought . He hoped not . He wanted answers . " I don 't know that 's the DA 's problem . " James said . " But he confirmed Corbin is Colby . Apparently Corbin helped do some dirty work , in return for cash . Jeremiah never met him . " " Oh that won 't be necessary . " James said . " We have our killer . We caught him last night . He was trying to kill your daughter . " " You saved your friend 's lives . " James said . " You could have made a clean getaway , but you stayed . That shows there is still something in you so do this for them . Not for me . " " You are really terrible at speeches . " Jasmine said . She stood up . " Let 's see , I met Alex last year . " She said . " He helped me set up the account I used in my dealings , He also gave me the info that Morraine Heathway was embezzling . Was instrumental in framing Jeremiah , and he helped keep Tom off my back . Well he tried anyway , I had to steal his computer to erase some files he gathered . " She finished . " You 'll never find him anyway . " " He is a drifter . " Jasmine said . " The reason he helped me was because my dad saved his life in the army . That was what got him killed . " " You told me something in that church . " James recalled . " ' While you were awake ' . That verse your father taught you . Do you think this is what he had in mind ? " " Not exactly . " Jasmin said . " And you told me you were speaking from experience when you told me memories stay when people die . You never told me who it was . " James stared at her for a moment . Then he turned and started walking . After a a few steps he turned around to face her , and opened his mouth . " My mother . " He said . Then he walked away . Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . I mean he is like two hours away so I guess we will see . But the funeral is tomorrow , so he isn 't leaving until sunday . " It was the next day . Thomas Bridges funeral was today . James thought to how this crazy chain of events had started . It had all started with Carla Heathway . And just like a stack of dominoes , everything began to fall apart . He watched at Thomas ' family , The Bridges graciously welcomed everyone who had come . Ava Bridges looked different last time he saw her . He looked more , worn . Like she had carried the weight of the world on her shoulders . As he moved closer he noticed Toni was standing beside her . Richard Prescott was nowhere to be seen . " No problem . " James said . " I 'm sorry for your loss . " He nodded at Toni and walked inside . He remembered the last time he came to a funeral . He was with Corbin then . He looked around . It Had almost the same turnout as Carla 's . He took a seat and waited for the ceremony to start . James walked into Corbin 's room . Corbin was on the bed propped up , his left hand handcuffed to the bed . He had a cast on his right leg , and a bandage on his head . When he saw James he sat up . " Pieces of black paint was found on their car . " James said . " Your car showed signs of damage , and also , Toni saw you pointing a gun towards their direction . " " If black paint was found on their car , that was Jasmine 's doing . " Corbin said . " And as for the gun , I drew it out as a precaution . " " Hazel and Toni received a note from Jasmine identifying you as Bridges ' Killer . " James said . " I received the same from Jasmine too . They were on their way to tell me when you hit them . " " Stop lying . " James thundered . He calmed himself down . " I found an email correspondence between you and John Heathway . John Heathway . John Heathway confirmed you as the person that was helping him and Jeremiah . " " I didn 't just believe Jasmine . " James said . " I did the math . When Gary Stevens was murdered , I was at Bridges house . You left saying you had to take care of something . That was around the time Carla 's body was stolen . " " No , one of those druggies did . " James said . " We checked your call records . Jeremiah called you around the time Gary Stevens was murdered , that 's why you left . After I dropped you off at home , You drove down to the ME office , You stole those autopsy files , and cleaned up the scene before anybody else arrived . " " Actually I can . " James said . " We searched your house . " James pulled out a piece of paper . " We found stacks of cash that Jeremiah was obviously paying you , we found a compound similar to the poison used on Bridges ; I remember you were the first on that scene too , and the security footage for the day Jeremiah Gates died in his cell was recovered . It showed you stabbing him with a desk nail . And that 's just the tip of the iceberg . " James looked up . Corbin 's smile faded . " Funny how evidence seems to turn up when you know the right place to look . Where did you get the security footage by the way ? " " Really ? You are giving up just like that ? " James laughed . " I thought you were going to fight harder than that . " He stood up . " You are under arrest for the murder of Thomas Bridges , and Jeremiah Gates . You are going away for a very long time . " James walked out of the room . He didn 't look back . It was Three days later . Toni sat down waiting patiently , her fingers drumming the table nervously . She stared at the glass absently her mind recapping the past three weeks . She never thought all of that would lead here Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . I just drove around and ended up here . " They stared in silence for a few seconds . " So what is going to happen now ? " Jasmine shrugged . " I don 't know . " She said . " But they are moving me to a different facility tomorrow . They say this is overcrowded . " " Well I couldn 't let you die . " Jasmine said . " And I don 't need your forgiveness . I 've made my peace with everything . " " I could always tell when you lie . " Jasmine said . " Don 't try now . " She looked back . " My time is up . It was good seeing you . " She hung up the phone . The guard came and escorted her back inside . " Alright . " James said . " Just send over the paper work . " He hung up the phone . He sighed . Hopefully , this would be the last death in this town . She sat down on the bench waiting for her train to come . By her right a man had his head buried deep in a newspaper . One of the headlines said : ' Local murder mystery ends in death ' . She was disinterested . She had already heard that story . She looked at the date on the paper . It was a week old . After a while , the bus finally arrived . The man put down the newspaper and picked his bag . He headed towards the bus . The girl remained seated . She wasn 't in a hurry . She would get the next train . She picked up the newspaper and flipped through it . There was a section on dying hair . She stopped and looked at the various hair colors . She always wanted to try platinum blond . but it did 't seem like it would suit her . She touched her black hair , it had green highlights in it . She smiled at herself at the irony . An hour later another bus arrived . She put down the paper picked her bag . Her trip to Montreal would take a couple of hours . She missed New York though . She had only been there for a few days , but she had fun . It was better than boring Ottawa . She would definitely go back . She stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder , and entered the bus . She sat beside an old woman who was knitting . As she sat down the woman looked up . " Come on . " Corbin said coyly . " Don 't be overly sensitive . What are you working on ? " He stretched out his hand to touch Sonya 's computer . Sonya slapped his hand The line disconnected . ' Weird ' Corbin thought . He re - dialed the number . It rang . No one picked up . He hung up the phone . He grabbed his keys . It was time to take a trip . " But nothing . " Toni said . " Jaz killed Tom . She thought we were sleeping together so she killed him . Remember after he died and she was being all sympathetic ? That was just guilt . " " And at Carla 's funeral ? " Toni continued ignoring Hazel 's interruption . " Where she was being all weepy . That was the guilt talking to . " " Exactly . guilt . " Hazel said . " She didn 't mean to kill Carla . She told me so . And you know what , she could have killed me too . But she let me go . Why exactly would he do that ? " " Because she still has a heart . " Hazel said . " And that 's why she sent us this . " Hazel held up the card . " To get justice for your brother . " Toni folded her arms . " That doesn 't mean D . O stands for Detective O ' Brian . " She said . " It could be Dylan O ' Connell . " James brought out a picture of Alex and showed it to her . " But you have identified him before . You said he was talking to Thomas Bridges at the Gala . " " Just a minute . " Hazel 's voice rang from the second floor . Toni sighed and brought out her phone . Nothing like a good game of candy crush to pass the time . " I wanted to talk to Detective Ashwood about Jaz . " She said quickly . " I just remembered she has family in New York so she might be hiding out there . " " Yeah , it was just a thought . " Hazel said . " Anyway we were stepping out now . So - " She made to move out of the doorway but Corbin blocked her . " Yes I am sure . " Hazel said staring up at Corbin defiantly . " My butler is here by the way . And the chef is still in the kitchen . So if you need anything I am sure they will be happy to accommodate you . " " I don 't know anything about impersonating anybody . I just give him a job , and he gets it done . And as for the name thing , I don 't even know his real name . I just call him Markos . " Richard spread his arms wide . " Look around . This is what I paid him to do . Fix this . And he did . So if you are done asking me unnecessary questions , I am going to head home . " He picked up his briefcase and pushed past James . Jasmine packed her bags . She was leaving for good . She too one last look around . Oddly enough , she wasn 't feeling any nostalgia . She knew it was going to come to this when she started on this path . The slung a bag over her shoulder . Getting out of Harbor wouldn 't be easy . She had said all her goodbyes , given Toni the closure she needed , and now she was heading off to a new life . No more Zas , no more games . Just her . She took a deep breath and stepped out . It was already getting dark . James got back to the office and just sat on his desk exhausted . He thought his problems were over but there was another killer out there . Of course this could be another tick Jasmine is playing on them , but his gut told him she was telling the truth . And he never went against his gut . " Yeah , " Jakes said . " I mean the Jh is short for Jeremiah right ? First and last letters of his name ? And they are obviously talking about John . " " Jeremiah was the one that Zas had running around in circles " James said . " John was the one in contact with this Colby . Colby didn 't want Jeremiah to know who he was so when he found out . Colby killed him . " " He left a while ago . " Jakes said . " So how do we get John to fess up . We don 't have anything to charge him with . The only person who knew his drug involvement is dead . " " And he is a cop . " Toni said . " Look we can just drive down to Detective Ashwood house and just tell him . I think you are overreacting though . " " I am overreacting ? " Hazel asked . " Alright fine go . " Hazel said crossing her arms . " When you get attacked , don 't say I didn 't warn you . " " No wait . " Hazel said , quickly running to intercept her . " Okay how about this . We take my car and give this to James . " She held up the card . " Then we come back here and you can go home in the morning . " Corbin watched as the gate opened . A silver ford exited from the compound and drove into the street . ' Finally ' He thought to himself . He thought they would never leave . He waited until there was some distance between the car and himself . Then he put his keys in the ignition and turned it . The car roared to life . He thought about turning on his headlight then decided against it . He quietly drove after The silver ford . Of all the obstacles he thought . He would be facing , he didn 't think it would be three tiresome teenage girls . This was the last time he would underestimate anyone . He pushed his foot on the gas and accelerated . He had a deadline to meet . James got home and looked around his house . It was messy as usual . He dropped his keys on the table and took of his jacket . It was unusually cold this evening . He looked at his answering machine . There were a couple of messages waiting for him . He pressed play . One of them was a telemarketer . He deleted it . The played the second one . " Hey James this is Richard Prescott . " The Richard 's voice said . " I left a message on your cell , but it seems you never use that thing so I am leaving one here too . I think you were right and I may have trusted the wrong person . You and I should talk , I have some information that could be of value to you . Call me and we will schedule a meeting . " James sighed . His night wasn 't over . He dialed Richard 's number . It rang there was no reply . He decided to try Corbin 's number . It wet straight to voicemail . He hung up without leaving a message . He dropped his phone . Then he remembered he hadn 't checked his mail . With a sigh he went to his door and opened the cage . He brought out a handful of papers and rifled through them . There were a few coupons , His water bill . Then he saw a Green Envelope . There was no information on the sender , and there were no stamps meaning it was hand delivered . He opened it . It had a strange scent . Smelled like flowers . He sniffed it again . It was jasmine he realized . It smelled like jasmine flowers , meaning there was no doubt to who this was from . ' D . O killed Tom . ' It read . He was puzzled . Who was D . O ? He read it again just to be sure . Jasmine made it seem like he knew this person . Then a horrific realization set on him . It couldn 't be true . But he could see the pieces fall together . It all made sense . He grabbed his keys , and his gun . He had someone to confront . " Hazel look out ! " Toni screamed . Hazel look forward to see a dark car swerve in front of them . Hazel turned the steering sharply to the right . The side of the car scraped the bridge . He hit the brakes , but the other car was already beside them . It rammed into them again and Hazel 's car tilted dangerously over the edge . Toni was screaming . Out of the corner of her eyes , Toni saw a blue car approaching them . There was something familiar about it . The dark car hit them again , and they went over the edge screaming . " You know what I mean . " Maria said . " You didn 't go to school on Monday , or Tuesday or today . " She said . " You have finals coming up . " " Mom , I found out one of my best friends is a killer . " Hazel said . " I am just not ready to face everyone at school , so can I just get this week ? " " Promise . " Hazel said as her mom left the room . It had been days since she found out about Jasmine . The police had been looking for her , but she had disappeared . There was no sign of Ben either , but she hadn 't told anyone about him . Not even Toni . She had spent hours with detective Ashwood recapping everything Jasmine had told her . They found it suspicious that Ben had disappeared the same time Jasmine did . But as far as she knew they hadn 't put out an APB on him . They had found her car though . It was left on the side of the road . No damages , no scratches . Her phone rang . She picked it up and looked at the screen . It was Toni . She let it go to voicemail . She had been dodging her calls . She had come over a couple of times , but it had been kind of awkward . They just hung around in silence , didn 't talk much . Neither of them had brought up Jasmine 's name . It was like they had a silent pact not to ever speak her name . The phone stopped ringing . Hazel felt guilty . Toni was probably going through the same thing she was . She picked up the phone and dialed her number . It rang once . " Yeah his credit card was swiped at a gas ' n ' sip not far from here . " Corbin said . " You think he is helping his girlfriend hide ? " " It is possible . " James said . " But if he has been lying this long we 'll never get him to talk . It 's best we keep following him . " " True that . " James said . " Well so far Hazel 's story checks out . It doesn 't look like Jasmine killed Jeremiah . She was in school then . " " Yeah , but why would she lie when she was already blown ? " James asked . " I don 't know , there is something else going on here . " Jasmine set the remote on the table . She sat back and set her bowl of popcorn on her lap . She had seen this movie before , but it was the only thing on that was worth watching . She hated , motels , but they were a necessary evil . There was a knock on the door . Jasmine grabbed the remote and hit the mute button . She got up from her bed and looked through the peephole . It was a guy with a hard face and a beards chin . She knew him . That was Frank . She opened the door . " Who you think you talking to ? " Frank snorted . He handed her a brown package . " It 's all in there . Id 's , passport , Social security , a whole new Identity . " " Whatever . " Frank said . " Stay sharp . " He exited . Jasmine closed the door . She picked up the remote and shut off the television . It was time to blow this joint . Ben watched as the man with the bearded chin left the building . That was where she was . He waited until he got in his car and drive off . He was not going looking for a confrontation with him . He got down from his car and walked towards inside the building . He went to the receptionist . " Okay give me a moment . " She disappeared through a door behind the desk . Ben grabbed the records book , and began to search it , he didn 't expect to see her real name or Zas , but he knew the kind of aliases she used . His eyes caught a name . Pearl Harbor , room seventeen . That was definitely her . He closed the book and rushed upstairs quickly before she came back . He reached number seventeen . He was deciding whether to knock when the door opened and Jasmine stood in the doorway . Her eyes widened in shock and she grabbed him and pulled him inside , and shut the door . " Because I have been tracking your credit cards you moron . " She said . " If the cops had any brains , they 'd be doing the same too . " She grabbed her bag I am getting out of here . " You are lucky that was the only thing I broke . " She said angrily . She took out a thumb drive and tossed it to him . " There it is . " She said . " Goodbye Ben . " James listened to the address as Corbin turned and started speeding in the other direction . " Thanks . " James said after a while . " Secure the area , do not let anyone leave " He hung up the phone . " No one has left the building . " Bruce said . He pointed at a blue car . " That is Adrain 's car . They should still be inside . " " Backup ? They are a couple of kids . " Corbin un - holstered his gun and went inside , James behind him . He went up to the receptionist , and flashed his badge . " We are looking for a guy , white , jet black hair , green eyes , eighteen years . " " Let me see your records . " James said . She handed it to him and he flipped through it while Corbin described Jasmine to her . His eyes caught a name . There was a noise in the hallway . James peeked to see a figure in a hoodie get into an elevator . Long brown hair peeked out if the sides . " Stop ! " He yelled . He rushed to the stairs Corbin behind him . He got to the ground floor , pressed the button for the elevator and waited for it to open . After about a minute it opened . There was no one there . James looked around in confusion . Then he saw Ben running towards the exit . " Freeze ! " He yelled running towards him . He reached him and tackled him to the ground . " O ' Brian get Jasmine . " He said while cuffing him . Corbin ran back upstairs . Bruce came up and James handed him to Bruce . He ran after Corbin . They got to the hallway . It was clear . They started opening rooms . Then they heard a crash from one side of the building . They ran in the direction of the noise and found a broken window . Then they heard a ding and saw Jasmine in the elevator . She waved at them mockingly as it closed . " Stay here . " James told Corbin as he ran downstairs to intercept her . But when he got down stairs , the door was already opened and she wasn 't in sight . He went outside James went back inside and looked around . There was a service exit at the end . He ran to it and opened it . It led outside , to the parking lot . James exited and looked around , but he knew in his heart there was no use . She was gone . " Will do sir . " James replied . He left the office and headed for the interrogation room . This was all Bruce 's fault . It was his incompetence that let Jasmine escape . " Didn 't do anything ? " James snorted . " You helped a fugitive escape . Who is to say you haven 't been helping her this whole time ? " Ben hesitated . There was dead air in the room for a minute . Then Ben started talking . " Jasmine caught me stealing test questions last year . She started using that to blackmail me to do things for her . " " Drop bags at random places . I didn 't know what was in them until I opened it one day and found out they were drugs . " Ben said . " I didn 't know they were drugs . " Ben protested . " When I told her I didn 't want any part of it , she put those test questions they found in my locker , and tipped off the principal . " " Carla and I became friends after the test question incident . When she was on the run . Jasmine wanted me to keep an eye on her to make sure she was okay . " Ben replied . " No , that was Jeremiah . " Ben said . " Jasmine got her money back , but Carla thought Zas tried to kill her , so she ran . Jeremiah killed her , that 's what Jasmine told me . " " Everything you guys found that pointed to Jeremiah , Jasmine and I put it there . " Ben said . " The Van ? We moved that . When the girls came clean to you about the money ? That was my Idea , so it would lead to Jeremiah . Jasmine convinced me Jeremiah killed her . That bitch ! " Ben slammed his fists into the table . " Keith sat in front of his father 's tombstone . He reached into his backpack and pulled out a can of soda . He popped the lid and took a long sip . He set it down . " So Jasmine is still at large . " Keith began facing the tombstone . " Me and mum didn 't tell the cops we found the laptop in her room . They still figured it out anyway . But it 's only a matter of time before they find out . How long can she run for anyway ? " Keith turned to see Jasmine walking beside him , wearing a baseball cap over her head . Her hair was cropped short . " Jasmine . " He hissed . " What are you doing here ? " " No one is watching us right now , I made sure of that . " Jasmine said . " As for leaving town , I still have a lot of things to do . " " It 's a letter I wrote for your sixteenth birthday . " Jasmine said . " It 's corny stuff . " She pulled the hoodie over her head . " Take care Keith . " She ruffled his hair and walked away . Toni laughed . " I am going to college in the fall . I 'll hardly see him . " There was a few minutes of silence . Then Hazel broke the ice " She told me she applied for a scholarship last year . We didn 't know about it . Do you think we were bad friends ? " Hazel asked . " Don 't beat yourself over this . " Toni said . There was a knock on Hazel 's door . " Come in " Hazel called out . It opened and her butler walked in . " I don 't know . " Hazel said undoing the wrapper to reveal a box . Hazel opened it to reveal a picture frame . It was The four of them . Jasmine , Carla , Hazel and Toni . There was a note attached to it . " I guess it 's an apology or something . " Hazel said . " Wait there is something on the back of the note . " She looked out it and read aloud . " D . O . killed Tom . " Jasmine rolled her eyes in exasperation . " Come on Hazel , you can 't possibly be afraid of me . How many times have we been alone together ? " Hazel continued screaming . Jasmine grabbed a piece of cloth and stuck it in Hazel 's mouth . " Will you just shut up . " She said crouching at eye level with Hazel . Hazel 's screams were muffled coming from the cloth . " I just want to talk . " " No , you are the one who as brain damage . " Hazel said angrily . " How many people have you killed huh ? Three ? Four ? And that 's not including those who you tried to kill . " Hazel looked around her . She was in a room , with only one window . The walls were musty and there were cobwebs in the corners . " Where are we ? " She asked . " Yes you did . " Hazel said . " John told me about all the drugs . So you are him right ? Zas ? I bet you killed her because she was onto you . " " I don 't really know . " Toni said . " I saw her at school , but we were fighting that day , so I didn 't see her for most of the day . " " She was with Hazel for most of the day I think . " Toni said . " I remember Hazel mentioning she spent some time in the chemistry lab with her . " Jasmine pulled up a chair , turned it backwards so the back rest faced Hazel and sat down . " Okay , let me start from the very beginning . Last year , I was in desperate need of cash . So I sold a couple of pills . " " Yeah I bet it makes sense now right ? " Jasmine said cocking her head to one side . " Anyway I burned through my brothers pills . completed my project , but surprise surprise , I didn 't win it . " " Because I didn 't tell anyone . " Jasmine said . " Anyway , I knew I had to make my own way through college , so selling those pills gave me an idea . " " Okay I didn 't become a drug lord . " Jasmine said annoyed . " And It wasn 't just for me , it was also for my brother . Don 't make judgments you entitled piece of - " " And he didn 't duh . " Jasmine said . " He just thought I was speeding . I told him I had a tough test coming up . So he bummed me some , and I studied it , and came up with a whole new formula . " " So , I got the formula right , made the drugs and delivered it to the only drug dealer I knew . Jeremiah . " Jasmine said . " He didn 't know who I was . I was leaving it like gifts in his car , storage locker , and he paid me using an offshore account I had access to . He never had a clue who was doing all that . " Jasmine said smiling . " I actually felt bad - ass . " " Few months ago , Carla found out what John was dealing with Jeremiah . " Jasmine continued . " I didn 't care , it wasn 't my problem until she started sending me messages . So she got on my nerves so I told Jeremiah to cut John loose . Jeremiah did , but Carla still wanted me to stop dealing all together . . So I tried to give her a scare . I jumped her when she alone at night . But she didn 't stop . Her and Tom went after my lawyer . " " See a while back . " Jasmine continued . " I knew I had to have a reasonable explanation for where I was getting that money . So I hired Moraine Heathway as my lawyer to set up a trust . " " Cause I had dirt on her . " Jasmine said . " She was siphoning money from her client 's trust accounts so I blackmailed her into helping me . " " Don 't jump the gun . " Said Jasmine . " She found out her mother was helping Zas , which was a name I used to communicate with Jeremiah and sometimes Carla . So she and Tom started stealing files to try to uncover my Identity . Fortunately , I used an alias , John Smith . But unfortunately that helped her find my account , and she had Tom hack it and steal all my money . " " Fifty Grand . " Jasmine said . " It wasn 't all of it , but still that 's when I got mad . By then , Jeremiah was tired and wanted out , but just like Carla , I had a lackey , who had been helping me collect dirt on Jeremiah . " " Not important . " Jasmine said . " Actually , very important , but I am not sharing . So I tasked Jeremiah with getting it back for me , but he failed , so then I quietly suggested to you that we go to Newport for spring break . " " The money was in one of them . " Jasmine said " So I told Jeremiah to search her room , just to make him feel like he was doing something , then when we had spent a few days in Newport , I texted Carla to give me some face time at the Gala . I had Jeremiah set that up . " " Yes . " Jasmine said . " I searched her bags and found the money . But I didn 't take it , ' cos that would have made it easier to figure out it was me . So I stayed quiet for a few days planning my move . Then I told Jeremiah to join me in Newport . " " Gold star . " Jasmine said . " So I lured him to the house and clubbed him over the head . I had my lackey take pictures just to be sure I had evidence of him in the house , I went upstairs to get the money , but Carla was there . " " No . " Jasmine said . " I was dressed in a hoodie . I tried clubbing her on the head too , but I missed . There was a struggle , and Carla got away . " " No , she left it there . " Jasmine said . " I knew it was a matter of time before she called you guys , because she obviously thought I was trying to kill her , " " No , I just wanted the money . " Jasmine said . " So I changed , and by the time I was done , you and Hazel were getting home . " " Yeah . " Jasmine said . " So when Carla called and told us about the money , I thought , who better to hide it than , Hazel . The girl who sucked at hiding things . Really ? In the cupboard in your basement ? That was too easy . " " Damn straight . " Jasmine said . " I only had one problem . Carla was still out there running from nothing . Luckily , I had my lackey keeping a close eye on her . " " I am not the monster you though me to be right ? " Jasmine smiled . " We were in the forest then . At the spot she used to meet Ben . So after I finished , that bitch told me she couldn 't take it , and told me to turn myself in . " " Yeah she was . " Jasmine said , her face blank . " I could see it in her eyes . She tried to get away , but I couldn 't let her leave . " Jasmine said , her eyes beginning to water . " Not without trying to explain . So we struggled and for a moment , I got angry . Just a tiny moment . Enough time to bash Carla 's head in the tree . And again . And again . " Jasmine shook her head wiping her eyes . " No , I told him it wasn 't me . " Jasmine said . " I texted him from Carla 's phone asking him to meet so he could find her there . Then I called Jeremiah , and told him what I had done . And just one tiny part of me wanted to make him suffer , so I told him I framed him for it . Then he went all psycho , stole her body , and killed the ME in the process . " " He was still sniffing around trying to find out who I was . " Jasmine said . " So the day he died , I went to his house with every intention of killing him . I mean , I figured , why can 't I do it again , right ? So I broke into his apartment waited for him , but I changed my mind . " " Well , I didn 't want to be a killer . " Jasmine said . " So when he walked in I clubbed him in the head , and stole his computer . I don 't know what he had , but it definitely wasn 't my name , I checked . So I left him on the floor and went home . " " The van he used to steal Carla 's body , I stole it from where he buried her and put Carla 's phone in there . " Jasmine said . " I wasn 't going to let Carla 's body rot in the back of a sawmill factory . " " He is an entitled brat who sells drugs , not because he needs to make money , but for the fun of it . Why not ? " Jasmine spat . " Okay first of all , I didn 't steal the money . I was simply taking back what was mine . And I knew leading the police to the money would lead them to Jeremiah . " " No . " Jasmine said . " Someone did kill him . The person on his payroll . " Jasmine got up from her chair and looked out the window . It was getting dark / outside . Jasmine shifted uncomfortably . " Well , when she found out I was the one who killed Carla , she tried to turn me in . " Jasmine said . " I without thinking , I hit her , and she fell . There was blood everywhere , I thought she was dead . So I buried her in the woods . Apparently I was wrong . " Jasmine reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone . They had completely surrounded the building . They had scanned the area and found nothing but one old abandoned house in the forest . Hazel 's red sedan was nowhere in sight . But there were signs of movement in the house . " This is the only place they could have gone . " James said . He took out a bull horn . " This is the police . You are completely surrounded . Come out with your hands in the air . " A few seconds later , a figure emerged from the building . It was a girl , she walked slowly putting her hands up . The light hit her face . It was Hazel . Posted on October 30 , 2015November 1 , 2015 by Benjamin Young " Where did you get this ? " Hazel gasped . " When you said you had something to show me I never knew It would be this big . " Keith glanced at John for a second . " Yeah that 's the thing I - " Keith started , but before he could finish , all of a sudden , there was a flurry of activity in the graveyard . Men in uniforms flooded everywhere telling them to put their hands up . They obliged . The police handcuffed three of them . " You gave us quite a chase Ms Stuart . " James said , as Hazel sat before him in the interrogation room . " I was surprised when you were not in school . Then I checked Carla 's phone . She has that find my friends and family app . And there you were with a known fugitive . With a possession only Thomas Bridges ' Killer would have . " " Yesterday , I talked with Carla 's Killer . " James said . " The location of that call was coming from your house . This was about Four . pm . " " Really ? " James said . " Let me give you a recap . John and Jeremiah were drug dealers . Someone was supplying drugs to Jeremiah but he didn 't know who , that person happened to know his every moves , and where to leave him the drugs . John conveniently happened to be at his side through all that . That person finances were being represented by Moraine Heathway , who just happens to be John 's mother and lawyer . We caught Jeremiah . who claimed that person killed Carla Heathway . John saw Carla that night . Jeremiah committed suicide this morning , but I am beginning to believe your friend played a hand in that . Moraine Heathway was found yesterday . She had disappeared on Wednesday night the same night John did . She was buried alive but managed to climb out . She is in a coma now . Tell me , when John came to your house how did his clothes look ? " " John said he wanted to find put who was framing him . " Hazel argued . " That 's why we were in that graveyard . Keith said he found something " " And that something happened to be Thomas Bridges ' Laptop . " James said . " Do you know Thomas gathered evidence of Carla killer on his laptop ? It is password protected so we ares still trying to get into it , but did you consider he was only following you to destroy that evidence ? " " Well maybe he killed Carla but didn 't kill Thomas . " James said . " Or maybe he did , but he stashed the laptop it somewhere and Keith found it . Let 's talk about the money Carla gave you . I assume John knows his way around your house ? " " Anyone who is sick enough to kill their sister , their own blood is capable of anything . " James snapped . He took a deep breath and regained his composure . " You are lucky we found you when you did . He could have been planning on killing you both after he destroyed that laptop . " He stood up . " Your parents are waiting for you outside . You are free to go . " He left the room . He left the room . He sighed a deep breath of relief . The case was over . They had caught the bastard . " Well , he lawyered up . " James said . " So It 's probably going to be a brutal trial , But we definitely have him . " James said . " As soon as we get into that laptop . We will have more proof . " " Probably . " James said . " She was probably already going to , that is why John probably killed her . " They looked in the window where John sat . He was looking unremorseful with a stone cold expression on his face . " Ah , perks of catching a killer . " Corbin said . " I am heading to the hospital . I 'll call you if there are any developments . " " Jaz , have you seen this ? " Toni asked Jasmine as she ran up to her . She showed Jaz her phone it was a text from Hazel . It read ' SOS ' . " I got a text from my mom . " Jasmine said . " She said , my brother got into some sort of trouble with Hazel . Told me to come home straight from school . " " If you are in your thirties and not yet married you would be too . " Jasmine said . She looked at her watch . " I think I am going to cut last period . I don 't want my mom to know I didn 't come straight home . " " We are still working on that . " James said . " But there is nothing from the ME 's report that says he didn 't commit suicide . " " That 's fine . " Jones said to James as he was standing up . " Let me talk to him . " He walked out the door . As James left Jones office his phone buzzed . James looked at the screen It was from Corbin . " Beats me . " Hazel said bringing out shoes . " He just called me and said he wanted to show me something . I can 't think about that right now . " " Not exactly . " Hazel said opening a suitcase . " She crawled . Out . Of . A . Grave " Hazel said punctuating each word . " She is in hospital right now . " " So , I am pretty sure John is innocent . " Hazel said . " I have known him almost all my life . He wouldn 't go homicidal on his whole family . " " I know , but what if someone else was here ? " Hazel asked she diverted her eyes to the side of the room . " Who else was in here yesterday ? " She asked , thinking hard . Jasmine bent down and picked something up . " My dad was here , you told me - " Hazel murmured and Idea starting to form in her head . " The laptop Keith found . " A horrific realization began dawning on her . " Your suitcase is going to fall to the ground . " Jasmine said breaking Hazel out of her thoughts . Hazel turned towards her bed to put it upright and then , she felt a sharp blow on her head . Her head felt dizzy and she turned around to see Jasmine wielding her hockey stick . Jasmine struck again and then everything went dark . She looked fragile and pale . Her head was bandaged . She was laid on the hospital bed the heart monitor beside her bed beeping normally . James nodded to the two guards in front of the door . They let them in . " Mrs Heathway . " James said gently . " Can you talk ? " He asked . Moraine Heathway winced , and nodded . She tried to sit up but Corbin put his hand over her . " So it 's a chick that has been whacking people this whole time . " Corbin grinned as James sped towards the Green house . " Now that is much better . " " Damn . That 's right . " James said . " See if we can get in touch with Hazel Stuart or Toni Peters . Corbin dialed a number and called the station giving out specific orders . " Exactly . " James said , as they arrived at the house . There were police cars already surrounding it . James and Corbin came down holding up their badges . " Oh if you want one we can get it . " James said . " A warrant is being issued for your daughter 's arrest as we speak . Now if you are harboring a fugitive - " The doorbell rang . " Alicia , door . " Toni called out . No reply . She sighed in frustration and got up from her bed . She walked down the stairs towards the door . The doorbell rang again , and this time accompanied with a knock . Jasmine secured Hazel firmly . Hazel was still unconscious . Her mouth was already covered with duct tape . She checked again to make sure she was still breathing . She was . Jasmine tied her legs firmly too . Hazel began to stir . Jasmine checked all the windows and made sure they were airtight . She looked at Hazel 's phone . She had turned it off before they moved anywhere She put it in her purse . Hers was turned off too . Hazel was still trying to stretch . Jasmine re positioned her to make her more comfortable Hazel opened her eyes . " Well it seemed Jeremiah was his only dealer . " James said . " We tried picking up John Heathway , but he too , has disappeared like his mother . We 'll have to just scout the streets now , see if there is any similar products being pushed around . " " Just doing what I am told . " Alex said . " Came here to investigate Moraine Heathway . We have enough evidence to charge her . " He put his right hand in the air and waved . " See you around . " He turned and left . " Maybe he isn 't the person you knew . " Toni said absent - mindedly as she studied the buildings on the side of the road . Hazel continued talking but Toni wasn 't listening . " Yeah but , I could have sworn I saw John had Jeremiah a roll of cash . " Toni said . " I wasn 't sure at first but now after all that 's happened - " " What ? You came to the same conclusion too . " Toni said . " Remember Carla 's grandmother ? She left a bunch of money to them . What if John - " " I don 't know it 's like bad horrible thoughts are coming to my head . " Toni said covering her face with her hands . Then she removed them from her face abruptly . " Where are we ? " " So let 's call him . " James said . He picked up his phone and dialed a number . " Sonya , I am about to call out . Trace this call . " He hung up . He dialed the number on the paper . It rang three times . Then someone picked up . " Don 't patronize me Detective Ashwood . " Zas said . " There is only one person who has this number and that person is dead . So you obviously got this number from her phone , which is in custody of the police . " " Nah . " Zas said . " I am out of business . I don 't need to tell my side . Besides you are tracing this call right ? So we should be having some quality face time very soon . " " Call me whatever you want Detective . " Zas said . " I am just someone trying to provide for my family . I am sure you can understand that . " " Just trying to get an accurate read . " James said . Corbin came back signalling a thumbs up . " But our time is up . Looking forward to seeing you . " " Oh I 'll be seeing you alright . " Zas chuckled . At the background a door slammed shut . The line abruptly cut . James turned to Corbin . " No I didn 't . " Toni said . She pulled out a book and handed it to Hazel . Hazel flipped through it . It was an album . In it was a young blonde who looked a lot like Toni , holding a baby . There were other pictures in the album featuring those people too . Toni shrugged . " I don 't know . " She faltered . A man was walking towards the building . Dark hair , muscular , average height . " That guy seems familiar to me . " " Who ? " Hazel looked up squinting . She stared at him for a while . " I don 't know him . " She turned on the engine . " We better get going . Jaz is probably waiting at my house . " " It doesn 't matter . I can make her go away with this . " He shook the folder . " By the way heard you went undercover . How did you manage that ? " " I have friends everywhere . " Alex said . " Guy who makes fake badges , another guy who will make fake phone calls . It just takes a network . " " Well , tip of my hat to you . " Richard said writing in a checkbook . " The world needs more PI 's like you . " He ripped off the check and handed it to him . " Yes . " James . " And not just my reputation . This person must have heard me speak a number of times , to be able to recognize my voice . Even over the phone . Which means I have come in contact with this person . " James groaned in frustration . " The coroner will tell us what we need to know . " He said after a while . " So we are back to square one ? No leads , nothing ? " " Right here . " a voice said from her bedroom . Hazel went into the house and found Jasmine on her bed with her computer in front of her typing something . " Because I didn 't hear about that until now . " Jasmine said . " And remind me to ask you why Ben is feeding you information after I tell you this . " It was dark outside . Rain was pouring A woman crawled through the mud . There was nothing but forest around her . She was covered head to toe in dirt , which was normal considering she had climbed out of a shallow grave last night . She was exhausted , dehydrated . She was sure she could not survive another night without medical attention . She could feel her heart pounding weakly and her chest heaving , struggling to breathe . If only she could find the main road . After crawling for what seemed like centuries , her hand hit the pavement . She saw a vehicle approaching with bright lights down the road . She half - stood up and waved with all her strength . " Help ! " She called out weakly . The car didn 't slow down it sped past her . She collapsed to the ground and her eyes began to fade . Before her eyes closed , she saw the car slowing down and then stopping . Then slowly it began to back up . She fell into oblivion . He was driving that night . Rain was pouring heavily on his windshields . Suddenly a car with bright lights came out of nowhere and slammed into him . Everything went dark for a moment , then suddenly he was back home in his room . The house he grew up in . His parents house . There was some noise in the living room . The lights in the hallway was bright to his sleepy eyes . He heard his father 's voice shouting . It was like a ringing sound in his ears . His mother 's voice pleading quietly . He found them arguing in the living room , his father drunk as hell , his mother cowering under him . For a moment he stood in the doorway . When his parents noticed him , the shouting stopped . His mother went to him and scooped him up . ' Daddy is just angry ' she said . ' go back to sleep everything will be fine in the morning . ' As she put him to bed . James woke up with sweat drenched on his body . His phone was ringing loudly . He picked it up . " Apparently not . " Corbin chuckled . " A woman fitting Moraine Heathway 's description was just checked into St James hospital . " Corbin said . " And get this , she was covered in dirt . " " Yeah . " Corbin said . " She is fine , just some dehydration , and exhaustion . " Corbin said . " Actually she is in a coma right now . We can 't see her until she comes out of it . " " Some good Samaritan found her at the roadside . " Corbin said . " But we can 't do anything right now . Guess we will have to wait till morning . " ' Everything will be better in the morning . ' James thought bitterly . Those were the last words his mother ever said to him . In the morning , she was found dead . " Just a second mom . " Jasmine replied as she packed her books into her bag . She slung her bag over her shoulder and opened her bedroom door . Keith was standing there clutching a backpack . " The were childhood friends . " Toni scolded . " His parents lived next door to hers before they moved to their new house . Same with the Heathways too . " " Okay sorry . " Jasmine mumbled . " I gotta get to class . " She walked towards the other direction . Toni watched her go . Her phone buzzed . It was from Hazel . She picked it up . " I am taking care of some things . " Hazel said . " I 'll be there by fourth period . Just tell Mrs . Glass I went home sick . " " Right here . " A voice said from behind . The turned around and saw Keith Green standing behind them leaning on a tombstone . " Why did you bring him ? He is wanted by the police . " He asked . " So where is it ? " Hazel asked . Keith motioned for them to follow him They obliged . They followed him to a small building . Keith ducked under the gate . He entered the building and after a few seconds reemerged with a back pack . He opened it to reveal a silver laptop inside . " The location of the recipient , It turns out it wasn 't at the location I gave you . The recipient simply rerouted it there . " Sonya said . " It started almost a year ago . " Jeremiah said . " I was making my rounds when I found this package in my car , with a note taped to the front . It said ' try this . ' I opened it and found two capsules green in color . I thought it was from one of my buddies , so I tried it , and it was amazing . I mean I have never done anything like it . It was like my brain cells were super sharp and - " " Well obviously I wanted to know who sent it to me , so I went to John . " Jeremiah said . " He said it wasn 't him . So I kept looking around but I couldn 't find the person . The two days later I received a call from some guy , and he asked me if I liked his gift . " " It was deep , almost resonant . " Jeremiah said . James motioned for him to continue . " So he asked me if I wanted more , and I said yeah so he sent me another package this time containing about thirty capsules . I sold that pretty quick . Then after that he sent me some information on a link to deposit some money , and i return he would send me some more . " " Three grand . " Jeremiah said . " So I found the package in my car again and in good faith I sent the money to him , because I wanted more . " " Yeah . " Jeremiah said . " He would drop the packages in random places and I would send him money . Of course after a while he required a down payment first , and the packages became bigger . " " Well , It wasn 't just me selling the drugs . John helped too . We were kind of partners , but about six months ago , Carla found out John was dealing HPC - that whats we were calling it - So she threatened to out him to his father unless he stopped . So we became more secretive . But we didn 't know she was still watching us . She even rented an apartment that overlooked one of our dealing sites . " " Yeah , that 's the one . We caught on so obviously we moved . But she kept watching , even asking her boyfriend to spoof our phones . That 's how she found out about Zas . " " Yeah I did . " Jeremiah said . " But it wasn 't enough . Carla wanted HPC , off the market , so Zas decided she was too much trouble . " " He attacked her . Gave her a good scare . " Jeremiah said . " But Carla didn 't scare easily . She continue doing what she was doing , Using her boyfriend to get information on Zas . I don 't know the specifics exactly , but I think Zas was a client of Moraine Heathway . " " Yeah , " Jeremiah said . " And that sucked too , because that was my payment . Zas told me to get the money back by all means or I will suffer too . By then I was tired , and I wanted out , But Zas had a lot of dirt on me that could bring me down . I tried to reason with Carla but she didn 't listen . " " Bits and pieces . " Said Jeremiah . " When they were going on their trip I filled him in hoping he 'd search Carla 's room for me . " " Yes , reluctantly . " Jeremiah said . " But he didn 't find it . Which means she took it with her . So Zas set a plan . He told me to lure her back to Harbor . While he had someone search the beach house in Newport . " " Yeah , I said Zas wanted a face to face with her at the Fairway gala . She couldn 't refuse that . But she just found me there . " " Actually he didn 't say . After Carla returned to Newport he was silent for a few days . Then on Saturday he told me to join him there . " Jeremiah said . " Nothing . " Jeremiah said . " All I remember is a sharp blow to the head , and I am waking up on the floor hearing the girls come in . So I ran and got back here . Next day the girls came back . Said she was missing . " " Well , it was obvious Zas tried to frame me for her murder . After she was missing , He sent me pictures of me entering the beach house . Time stamped . The girls were even asking me what I was doing there when they got back . Apparently one of them saw me . " " Not anything I wasn 't doing before . " Jeremiah said . " Still selling for him . Then Saturday , John came to see me , told me he saw Carla in the woods . When I realized was alive , I told Zas immediately I wanted out . The next day they found her body . " " Yeah . " Jeremiah said . " So I figured my prints or something of mine would be found on the body , so I hired two guys to help me steal her body . " " It wasn 't supposed to happen . I don 't know which of them did it , but I was outside when all that happened . So when I saw blood all over them , I ran back inside , and um - grabbed the autopsy reports . I came back and drove off . " " On old miller Farm . I cleaned it first though . Then I wiped down the van , then though about how I was going to get rid of it , but Zas beat me to it . " " Never came across him . " Jeremiah said . " I Just heard he was killed . So at Carla 's funeral , I had a plan to expose Zas . " " Just for a moment . " Jeremiah said . " But it didn 't make sense . But weirdly after that I didn 't hear from Zas again . " " Okay , so how do we find this person ? " Corbin said throwing up his hands . " It 's not like we can but an APB out on him . " " I have an Idea . " James said . " We should gather information Thomas Bridges got . The account Jeremiah was sending money into ? That should be this Zas person 's account . " " I have been through that with a fine tooth comb . " Alex said . " That account is registered to a John Smith . If that is not an alias I don 't know what is . " " We are out of moves . " James said . " If Zas - I can 't believe I am calling him that - went radio silent . It means he has ended his game . There is no other way to draw him out . " " Wait , that 's what we need to do . " Alex said . " He likes games right ? Playing with people 's minds , making people run around in circles trying to guess who he is . Maybe we can use that against him . " Richard sighed . " When I left your mother I was at a low point in my life . My dad had disowned me , I was expelled from school the previous year , been arrested on multiple occasions , I was a waste of space . So left thinking I was doing good . I went back to my father , he took me back , pulled some strings and in three years I graduated from law school . Started working in my dad 's firm . So after a few years I decided to look for your mother , but I found out she had died , and your brother was in foster care . I looked for him too , and I found him . But along the way I learned about you . " " Yes . " Richard said . " It didn 't take me long to find you here in this town . I learned you and your brother were separated and out of touch , so I asked my father , to let me break away from his company and start a new practice . My PI gave me a picture of you but when I saw Carla , I mistakenly thought that was you . You looked so much alike . That 's what drew me to Moraine " " Wait you are not about to tell me Carla is my sister or something right ? " Toni laughed nervously . " Because I don 't think I can take it . " " No , no she is not . . " Richard assured her . " But anyway , I met Moraine . She had her own practice . I offered to help her expand , I had my father 's resources . She agreed . We finalized a deal became partners . I only had one request . I made her offer Wayne Bridges a job that he couldn 't ' refuse . Just to ensure he moved to Harbor . So I could have my two children in one place . " " I met you . " Richard said . " I saw you both with your families , and I decided I couldn 't insert myself into your lives . So I left . Well until I heard about what Moraine Heathway was doing . " " She was embezzling funds from clients account using bogus charges . " Richard said . " So I came back to confront her , and then when I tried to see him again . " " Look you were right . " She said . " You cant insert yourself in my life . I understand what you did to get us back , but you need to go Richard . I don 't need you . " Before Richard could utter a word Toni walked to the door , opened it and walked into the night . " The funeral . " Hazel finished . Toni looked at her reproachfully . " What ? " Hazel said defensively . " I say . ' rip off the band - aid ' . " " Sorry , " Toni smirked . " Anyway we know what is bothering us . What is bothering you ? It can 't be the exam , you are a genius , you love exams . " " He is still your father . " Jasmine said . " Give him a chance . " She got up packed her books ad left . Hazel and Toni stared after her . " Probably . " James chuckled . Just then there was some commotion in the station . Jakes came running towards them . " You have to see this . " He panted . James and Corbin , made their way towards the source of the commotion . It came from the prison holding cells . They found Alex standing there . " See for yourself . " Alex said grimly . James made his way to where Alex stood . He looked towards the direction where Alex was looking . What he saw was shocking to the bone . Corbin joined him . He too was speechless . Jeremiah Gates lay on the floor . Blood oozed from his neck . His eyes were glassy and unmoving . He was gone . Posted on October 13 , 2015October 13 , 2015 by Benjamin Young He sat in the room looking calm and composed . His hands were handcuffed to the table , but he leaned back in his chair as far as possible . James , Corbin and Alex watched him from the observation window . James noticed his hair was a little rough , but his face was shaved . There was a tiny scar above his right eye that looked no more than three weeks old . " Almost next to nothing . " Alex said . " We have his name on an account that has been moving money around , The testimony of two drug addicts , that identify him as a drug dealer and body thief but their testimony is unreliable . At best we have him at conspiracy to commit fraud . " " Well getting the whole story is important . " Alex said . " O ' Brian and I should go in . Stay and watch . When we need you come in " " What did I do wrong ? " Jeremiah said with a hint of a smile . " I swear I had no idea that girl was a hooker until she demanded I pay her . " " We have two witnesses saying they saw you stealing Carla Heathway 's body . " Alex said . " We also have evidence of you dealing drugs . We have your fingerprints on the van , we have your name on accounts involved in fraudulent activities , there is no way you are walking out of this one . So we are giving you a chance to tell us your side of the story . " After a few more minutes Alex and Corbin left the room . " He is not going to say anything . " Corbin said . " And if a lawyer comes in it will be all over . " " I helped you build this company . I took out the other partners and put your name - our name on that wall . And this is how you repay me ? " " It was a man trying to get my family back . " Richard said . " Which you never cared about doing for your own family . Your daughter dies and what ? It is business as usual ? " " Isn 't it ? " Richard asked . " My son was killed too . Are you sure Carla was even your daughter ? Because I met her . She was everything you weren 't . Kind , warmhearted , and not a pathetic weasel . " James walked inside the room holding a cup of coffee . He sat down opposite Jeremiah , Took a long sip from his cup , and set it down . Then he turned his eyes on Jeremiah . " The girl you were meeting in that motel room . " James said . " That 's why you were there , right ? Meeting a girl , not running from the law . " James pulled his chair forward . " I don 't believe you are a bad kid . You just made bad decisions . We are here to help you fix them . Just give us the names of the people you are working with , and we 'll see what we can do to help you . " " So you don 't even care a girl died ? You don 't care you killed someone . No , three people actually , Carla , Thomas Bridges and Gary Stevens . What kind of monster are you ? " " What was the problem huh ? " James continued . " She said no , so you kill her ? She found out your secret ? Or what You Moraine Heathway were up to ? " " I don 't know what you are talking about . " Jeremiah said raising his voice . " And if you could prove Moraine Heathway was helping me , she would be here in handcuffs already . " Jeremiah laughed uncontrollably for a while . Then he finally stopped to start his sentence . " Good luck with that . And by the way please let me know what she tells you . I am very curious myself . " He continued chuckling . James nodded his head . " You have been most helpful . Thank you . " He turned and walked out of the room . He met Alex and Corbin outside . " I can get an arrest warrant for her based on what I have . " Alex said . " It 'll only hold her for forty - eight hours until we have enough proof to charge her , but it should do . " " That 's because he 's there waiting for me . " Toni groaned . " Alice texted me and told me some guy came by today . Said his name was Richard . Sound Familiar ? " " Now there is a girl who let 's nothing get in her way . " Toni said . " Not even hearing her best friend 's boyfriend is a murderer . " " You are welcome . " Hazel said . She frowned at something from the floor and picked it up . It was a card . " What exactly does your father do again ? " " That is what I thought to , but I found this . " Hazel showed it to Toni . Toni read it . It said . Richard Prescott . Senior Partner . On the top left hand corner was the name and logo of Heathway and Prescott firm . Moraine Heathway 's body was dragged across the ground . Zas took a shovel and started to dig . Everything thing Had gone to hell . First Carla , then everything had just fallen down like a pack of dominoes . There was no one to pin this on . After digging exhaustively , Zas climed out of the hole . Taking a longing look at Moraine Heathway , Zas shoved her body into the hole and started covering her with dirt . No one would find her here . " Her assistant confirmed she left there two hours ago . Said she was heading straight home . Her car was parked at her house , but she wasn 't there . " James said . " We can start by finding out who the hell has been tipping people off . " Alex said appearing out of nowhere . " First we issue a warrant for Jeremiah , and he runs . Then we decide to pick up Heathway , and then she runs too . Is that a coincidence ? " " Someone in my department ? " James roared . " If there is one wild card here it is you . We don 't know you ? Are you even really FBI ? Since when is the FBI interested in small town cases ? " " Okay gentlemen let 's calm down . " Corbin said . " If we have a breach we would address it later . Right now we need to figure out a way to find Moraine Heathway . " " But that is just it . " Alex said . " Jeremiah had a boss . He was just a dealer right ? Where was he getting his supplies from ? " " Someone was giving it to him . " James said it dawning on him . " But why would he try to tell me who killed Carla and not you ? " " The software . " Alex said . " When I pulled him out of that shop and told me to go home , he told me he was still downloading the rest of the file . When he got home it must have completed . " Toni walked over to the front porch . She raised her hand to knock , but the door swung open . Michael Peters was standing in the doorway , holding the door . " Look dad . " Toni said turning around . " I get it okay . I forgive you . But right now I need to find Richard . So where is he ? " " Great . " Toni went up to her father and collected the card . " Thanks . " She mumbled . There was an address on the card . She made for the door . James entered the room again . Jeremiah looked up when he saw him and groaned . " You have got to be kidding me . I asked for a lawyer over three hours ago . Why haven 't you given me my phone call ? " " We are here to give it to you . " James said . He took out his cell phone and dropped it on the table . " There you go make your call . " " Oh no , I didn 't say she was . It 's just that it is strange . She just disappeared . She didn 't pack her clothes , her car was still in the driveway , There was no evidence that she had fled other than the fact she was gone . " " You see it seems the person you got in bed with is crossing people off . Now you can call your lawyer , they can get you out on bail , and when you get home this person can cross you name off his list . Or you can tell us who it is and we will protect you . " James said " Yes It 's just for tonight . " Richard said on the phone . " She doesn 't want to see me anyway . I 'll be back tomorrow Okay . Love you too . " He hung up the phone . He turned the television on and flipped through channels . He needed something to help him sleep . Soap operas seemed to do the trick . He found one he liked and settled down . He was about thinking of going to get some food , when he heard a knock on the door . Who is it now ? He thought as he made his way to the door . Probably the cleaning lady . He opened the door and saw Toni standing outside the doorway . Well isn 't this familiar ? He thought grimly . " We have a video too . But it is in one room only . " James said . He stood up and paced around the room . " So let me get this straight . Thomas Bridges was your informant ? " Alex sighed . " Okay , let me start from the beginning . I was sent here four months ago to investigate Heathway and Prescott . Large sums of money were being removed from clients trust accounts , and being transferred to an offshore account . During my investigation , I encountered Thomas Bridges who was doing his own investigation only he was doing his illegally . " " Yes . " Alex said . " He and his girlfriend were a typical Nick and Nora Charles , trying to solve a mystery themselves . Anyway when they inevitably crossed paths with me , I told them to stop . Thomas obliged but Carla did not . So I told him to follow her and report everything she did back to me . " " He didn 't know . He was just doing things for her . It became apparent that she didn 't tell him everything . I suspect she was protecting someone . " " Perhaps . But he knew enough . I collected all the information he had managed to gather . But when she got killed , I told him to pull out . Obviously I didn 't want any civilian getting hurt on my watch . But he kept digging , pulling files and going through names . Until he found a name he recognized . " " I 'll get to that . Anyway after both of you interviewed him , he came to see me . He told me he might have figured out something but he wanted permission to hack into Heathway and Prescott . I said no , told him to go home . I knew he wouldn 't listen , so I followed him to the coffee shop I didn 't want to engage him , but I kept a close watch on him and I made sure he knew I could see him . He wasn 't poisoned there . When he left , I made sure he went straight home . I told him not to do anything stupid and keep hat he found to himself . " " During our investigation , we found out it was not just a case of embezzlement . I believe the money that was going in and out of the accounts were coming from a source . The sale of narcotics . " " She found a way to transfer the money to her own account , and she withdrew that money possibly hoping to lead that person to her . And she did . At the fairway Gala , Carla went to meet someone there . I asked Thomas to intercept her , but he said he had something to do , about his father or something , So I went there myself but he was already there . Said he changed his mind . " " All in good time . " Alex said . " After the gala I decided to put a stop to Carla 's investigation once and for all , but When she went back to Newport , everything got quiet . " " Carla stopped digging , money stopped moving around and I thought it was all over . But when she disappeared everything started again . So Thomas went back to his own investigation . Found the original file that Carla had stolen and found a name , and everything made sense . " " It isn 't just embezzlement . " Alex said . " Gates was selling drugs . I befriended John Heathway who by the way , is probably his partner , there has been an increased presence of narcotics in the university campus , in the high school . And trust me it is something new entirely . I was suspecting John was the one dealing and using his mother 's company to move the money , and It seems I was right . Only part I missed was Jeremiah Gates is his partner . " " So Carla was investigating her brother and his friend and they killed her , and Thomas . " Corbin said . " Case solved . Let 's go and pick them up . " " The network is more wide than you realize . " Alex said . " I need to access every team member before I go in . Besides this is mostly speculation and some underground digging . If you want to take down a drug ring you have to collate hard evidence . " " The van that was used to steal Carla Heathway 's body . I tracked the employee down , which by the way you didn 't think of doing . I found out who signed for it . I have been following some leads and , this morning I found out who stole it . " " No . He hired two junkies to steal the body . " Alex said . " I know them , they are friends of John . We can start with them . " " He told you a version of the truth I asked him to tell . " Alex said . " Nevertheless , I told him to keep his mouth shut about Jeremiah Gates . " He turned to James . " I know he called you and tried to tell you . Which I specifically told him not to . So by not listening to me , he got killed . I want to make sure you will follow instruction I give . " John pulled Jeremiah in and shut the door . " Don 't tell me you have still been messing around with that stuff ? " He said angrily . " I told you I am out . I promised - " " Okay fine , but remember if I go down , you go down with me ! And him too . " Jeremiah said . " You think they would believe you if you say you didn 't help ? So help me disappear , or when they come knocking , I 'll sell you out ! " They were two scrawny looking boys . They had picked them up from the university campus . They sat in different rooms adjacent to each other . They watched them from the windows . This went on for quite a while . They left and went to his counterpart Greg Dudley . He too acted clueless . They lasted for about thirty minutes . After that they spilled everything . " Jeremiah Gates . " they wailed . " He called us . Told us he could give us an unlimited supply of HPC . if we did a job for him . " " Well , we stole the van , " Edward said shaking . " Jerry was driving . So we went out to the place , and we got in . We were as high as fuck . Jerry said he had taken care of the cameras and everything but when we got there . The man was there . " " He is lying . He stabbed him . There was blood everywhere so we just took the body through the back entrance . When we got to the van Jeremiah saw all the blood and freaked out . He ran back inside to do something . He was only there for a minute . Then he ran back out and we drove away . " Edward and Greg were incoherent after that so they took them to the cells . " Okay so let us go pick Jeremiah now . " Corbin demanded . " It seems we are at a dead - end . " James said . " Look Agent Munroe or Stone or what you call yourself . People are dead . We might have just solved one but there are still two remaining . Now Jeremiah is the key to all this . Let us hold him . " An hour later , it was already getting dark . They swarmed Jeremiah 's house . He lived alone . They burst in . There were clothes thrown everywhere , wardrobes opened . They searched the house from the top to bottom . He wasn 't there . The next morning they were still looking for Jeremiah Gates . He had bought a bus ticket to Arizona online , but there was no way track if he had gotten on the bus or not . John Heathway had been brought in for questioning . He refused to say anything . They had gotten a search warrant and turned his house upside down . It was clean . No evidence of drug use or possession , they had nothing to tie him to the case . Moraine Heathway had come in to represent him . " Look John , buddy . " Alex said . " I know Jeremiah 's your friend . But he killed your sister If you know anything about where he is you have to tell us . " Alex put his hands on James shoulders . James calmed down . He was exhausted . He had been up all night . Alex turned to Moraine Heathway . " I have gathered enough evidence to prove you have been draining several trust accounts . I have enough to get you on a charge of embezzlement and fraud . But I also care about catching who killed your daughter . So work with me and I can get you a deal . " Alex smiled . " Never underestimate what a mother would do for her children . We just slipped her information that of her clients killed her daughter . She was protecting her son first , but she would lead us to Jeremiah . " " Well the account that has been transferring money to the offshore account is Jeremiah 's . I am betting big it is his . " He looked around . " Where is your partner by the way ? " " Doing police work . " Corbin 's voice said . They looked and saw him walking towards them . He stopped when he reached them . " I got the reports on Thomas Bridges autopsy . It seems he was hit with a blunt object that rendered him unconscious before he was poisoned . " " Nope . Nada . " Corbin said . " Just what we know . Blunt force trauma to the head , spinal injury from the neck . No DNA , or fibers . Jeremiah must have wiped them off . " James made a noise . " The autopsy notes . " He said . " Those two junkie didn 't take it . They were not there so someone cleaned up . " Who ? " " We got an anonymous tip that he was hiding out in Sherwood Motel . " Jakes said . " It seems he was meeting someone there . They sold him out . " Jasmine was washing her face in the bathroom . Her phone buzzed . She sighed and looked at the screen . It was Hazel . She declined and put it in her bag . Moments later Hazel and Toni burst in the bathroom door " Oh my God . " Jasmine said . " That 's why he was in Newport . He was there to kill her . " She looked at Hazel who looked like she was about to cry . " Are you okay . " It was a bright and sunny day . Well it almost always was in California . Zas drove through the town with a feeling of content . Everything had worked out . There was a piece of guilt that was buried deep but , Zas shook it off . Jeremiah had been arrested . He might tell them what he knows but there was nothing tying Zas to Carla Heathway 's murder . Zas grinned . That name was cool . Zas . James looked at Moraine . She looked calm and composed considering she just buried her daughter . He and Corbin had argued over doing this too soon but James though she would want to help to find who killed her daughter . " When you called me here you said this was regarding my daughter 's case . It is the only reason I agreed to see you . " Moraine said . Moraine was silent for a few seconds . " The file contains a list of companies a client wants to acquire . My daughter was curious about my recently acquired clients . She took a personal interest in this one . " " He was most definitely not there to see me . " Moraine Heathway said . " But I saw him talking to a man . He had dark hair broad shoulders , white . " I don 't remember his name , but I know he is a friend of John . " Moraine said . " I just can 't remember his name . " " So who is the mystery guy . " Corbin asked as they drove back to the station . James kept quiet and said nothing . He just kept driving . " Look buddy don 't hold back on me . If you know something say it . " Corbin said to James . James still said nothing . Finally he spoke out . " I have seen this before . People who are into drugs sometimes need to push money around . Best targets are rich girls with huge trust funds , that wouldn 't raise any red flags if they made large transactions . " James explained . " Back when I was in foster homes . " James said . " It explains all the weird behaviour . Moving money around , stealing lists of rich clients , she was probably doing it for her boyfriend . " When they got back to the station Jakes was waiting for them . " I 've got news . He said without preamble . " We ran facial recognition of that drawing like you suggested . We got a match . " " Oh , and one more thing . " Jakes said . " There is a man who wants to speak with you . He is in the waiting room . He says he is Thomas Bridge 's father . " He looked like Thomas . He had Brown hair , wore a serious look on his face , was tall and broad . He was pacing in the room with his chin resting on his hand which rested on his other arm . When James entered the room he dropped his arms and walked over to him extending his arm . " Well as far as we know , he was poisoned . " James said . " We are working to find who did it , but his case is tied to another murder case going on so we are doing our best to work the angles . " " No one is doing the right thing if you leave your children . " James said . " Sorry , " he added . " I know it 's not my place . " " I know her . " Richard said . " Some years back I tried to find Thomas . " He said . " I was able to get in touch with his adopted parents , but they said he didn 't want to see me . They were living in San Francisco then . When they moved to Harbor , I hired a Private investigator to find him when he turned eighteen thinking it was his parents that didn 't want me to see him . He found him a few months back but when I tried to talk to him , this blonde showed up at my door . " " Yes that 's what she said her name was . " Richard said . " She said he didn 't want to know me and I should back off . " " Yes . " Richard said . " After that I left him alone . Then about a month ago I got word that he was looking for me . We talked on the phone . " He smiled his look faraway . " He said he had something to show me . We arranged to meet at this party here he called Fair place something - " Richard looked at it closely . " No I don 't think so " He said . " Anyway , they were arguing very intensely , then When she saw me she came over and asked me what I was doing there . When I told her she told me Thomas had left a while ago . Then she asked me not to tell anyone she was there . " " I don 't know . " Richard said . " But she seemed really scared . Not at all like the bold girl who showed up at my door " " I can 't say . But yes it is possible . " Richard said . He sighed . " Anyway , do you have Toni 's parent 's address ? " It was an apartment building . It was similar to the one Thomas Bridges lived in . Corbin and his team went up to the building after other members of the team surrounded it . Corbin walked up to apartment seven and knocked . Seconds later a man opened the door . He had dark hair , medium build . very muscular . He was dressed as if he was about to go out . Corbin signaled to a member of his team . He moved forward and grabbed the man at started to cuff him . " You have the right to remain silent . " " Okay look let me explain you are making a huge mistake . " The man yelled . The officers didn 't listen and continued to frisk him and read him his rights . Corbin stood by watching . " Okay fine . " He said . " But before we go , can you check my back pocket for my wallet . And there should be a gun in the holster on my pants . " Corbin patted him down . He pulled out a gun from a holster and then pulled out his wallet . He opened it and saw a very familiar badge . " You are - " he started " Yes I saw him at school . He was making a beeline for me . I jumped in my car and drove off . " Toni said plopping herself on Hazel 's bed . " I don 't know if he followed me . " " You were the one who went to look for him in the middle of the night . " Hazel said laughing . " You can 't be surprised he wants to see you again . " " And when Tom died you just acted impulsively , yes that is what I told you when you came over that night demanding I drive you . " Hazel said . " Can I tell you I told you so ? " Toni sat up . " You don 't know how Tom described him . He called him an alcoholic , drug using loser who left our mom when he was just one and a half years . " " What did Tom know ? " Hazel scoffed . Toni looked at her sharply . " Sorry but it is true . Tom was still a baby . no way he remembered him . and besides it seems like he cleaned up his act . " " So just go talk to him . " Hazel said . " Or at least if you don 't want to tell him to leave you alone . Just don 't avoid him . " " Me ? I would kill to have a brother . " Hazel said . " Younger or older . " She added . " Although when it inherit all my parents money , I 'll be glad I am an only child . " She laughed . Toni laughed too . " You better not say that aloud . That you would kill for a brother . People would start to think you killed Carla for her brother . " Hazel laughed . " John ? No thank you . " They laughed for a while then quieted down . " I miss her . " Hazel said . " She 'd know what to do . " " Yeah Carla would definitely know hat to do in this situation . " Toni agreed . " She was quite fierce . " She buried her face in a pillow . " What am I going to do ? " She said , her voice muffled . She raised her head up . " Can I stay here forever ? " she asked Hazel with a hopeful smile . " So what is the FBI doing in Harbor " Corbin asked as they walked through the hallway in the police station . " And what is your connection with our case ? And by the way , what kind of alias is ' Munroe ' ? " Alex glanced at Corbin . " You talk a lot . I 'll answer your questions later . Right now I want to talk to the lead detective on this case . " " You are going to have to speak with my superior in Los Angeles . " Alex said . " Right now I just need some information about the Heathway , Bridges murder case . " " And Gary Stevens too . " James added appearing out of nowhere . " He was the he medical examiner . " He stretched out his hand towards Alex Stone . " James Ashwood . " he said . " Calm down . In a minute . " Alex said . Jones phone rang . " That 'll be my superior . " Alex said . Jones picked it up and spoke with someone on the other end for a minute grunting ' yes ' , and ' I understand ' . After a while Jones hung up . " No wait . " James interrupted . " Before we give you squat , you need to tell us exactly what it is you are doing in Harbor . " James said . " Please . " He added as an afterthought . |
As I 've mentioned , our house is on the market . We 've lived here for just over six years . That doesn 't seem like a very long time , but in many ways it has felt like a lifetime . Since moving in Jeff and I got married , had two kids , and started down our autism road . For a couple of those years , I really wanted to move . Our house is not big , and when Moe 's 25 hour a week ABA program was in full swing , I felt cramped . When Moe was working with a therapist , Jelly , the dog and I had to find other space to be in . I was unhappy with the situation and I projected that on to the house . I wanted more space , yes , but it doesn 't take a psychotherapist to see that I also wanted a fresh start . But now , the house is starting to feel bigger again . Part of this may have to do with the fact that a lot of our things , including some furniture and many boxes of toys , are in storage or in the garage . Moe is also in school for most of the day . Jelly is in preschool two mornings a week , and as she gets older , her time at home during the day will also decrease . Most days , I 'm also more at peace with Moe 's diagnosis , and as a result , with our life as a family . That helps put everything in a better light . I 'm also not looking forward to packing or finding another place to live , possibly two , if we have to rent for a while before we find a new place . There are still reasons to move . I cook and bake and I 'd love a bigger kitchen . I 'd like a comfortable guest room where the grandparents can stay . A playroom that I can make completely ( okay , almost completely ) Moe - proof and more conducive to teaching would be amazing . We could spend some money and turn our house into this , but it doesn 't make financial sense to do that in our current neighborhood . And lately , I 've been thinking our house is trying to tell us something . Like the way the wall jumped out and attacked Moe . Before that , half of one of our lovely dwarf pear trees , the only tress that provide any shade in our yard , fell . Moe has developed a new habit . He 's been spitting . He doesn 't spit at anything or anyone . He just spits on his fingers , then wipes it off on whatever is nearby including his shirt , the wall , the window or the sofa . Yuck . I 'm not sure exactly when it started , but it has been at least a month . I think it started around the time he started school this year . The good news is Moe doesn 't seem to be biting or chewing as much ( though he still puts everything in his mouth ) , so it seems this fun new behavior has replaced the old fun behavior . At least a little bit . For now . You know how these things go . I 've started meeting a few moms for breakfast occasionally , and we discovered last week that this habit seems to be going around . A number of the kids have been spitting . They 've also all been screaming the same high pitched scream . We all think it is our kid who started these lovely behaviors . But I 'm pretty sure it was Moe . At least it 's some form of imitation . Who says our kids aren 't paying attention ? The spitting is definitely a sensory seeking behavior , though I 'm not sure yet if it is the oral or tactile input , or both , that Moe likes . I also haven 't been able to track yet if it happens more during certain times of day or activities . Our OT suggested giving similar tactile input , like finger painting or playing with shaving cream , to see if that helps . I 'm considering trying the brushing protocol again to see if that helps . We already incorporate oral input into Moe 's sensory diet , like giving chewy and crunchy foods and giving smoothies through a straw . Does anyone else have any experience with this ? I 'd love to hear what has worked for you . I use pseudonyms for my kids on this blog . It felt like the right thing to do , but sometimes I don 't like it . You see , I love my kids ' names . Moe 's real name starts with a W . He was named after my brother , William . We Jews generally don 't name people after someone who is living , and usually do name our kids after someone who has died . Many choose to use the first letter of the name to honor the person . We thought about William but I just couldn 't bring myself to call my child Bill or Billy , the names my brother went by . So we went with another W name . As it turns out , William seems to be popular again , though most Williams I 've met seem to go by either Will or Liam . We were thankful that our first child turned out to be a boy . The W names for girls were less appealing than the one we chose for Moe . I already have a cousin Wendy , and although Willa and Willow had potential , our last name is Bush . So Willow Bush was probably not the best option . ( Some of my other favorite non - W girl names , like Rose , Olive and Lily were similarly off the table . ) Our last name has posed another challenge as well . In case you haven 't pieced this together yet , my son is W Bush . Yes , like the former president . And I am , to put it gently , not a fan . I have one friend who likes to bring up the fact that my son is W Bush . But this friend moved to Texas , thereby waiving all his rights to tease me about the W . After Moe 's stitches were in , the ER doc assured me that Moe would be fine , but understood " it must be hard when you can 't really explain what was going on . " I told him that maybe in this case it was a little easier , since he didn 't know it would hurt so he wasn 't scared in anticipation . The stitches weren 't any worse for it and the waiting process was so much easier . Getting the stitches out was the same . We had our regular pediatrician take them out . I was nervous with the anticipation of how it was going to go . But Moe was in a great mood . He was excited that I picked him up early from school . He was excited that he got to be with both Jeff and I without his annoying little sister taking away our attention . He had no reason to be concerned . And in this case , neither did I . The process was fast and easy . Moe sat on Jeff 's lap and held his arms still with one hand and his head with the other . Although Moe wasn 't thrilled with having his head held still , he didn 't put up much of a fuss and he let the doctor get close with those sharp scissors . At the end , she even remarked how impressed she was with how well he did and with his eye contact . He is usually a pretty happy kid . Because things were going so well , and because we were there , ( and are mean , mean parents ) , we decided to go ahead and give him a flu shot too . Lucky kid . He didn 't cry at the shot , but he did give us a quite a look . He may not have words , but his eyes gave us a sharp " now that was just uncalled for . " We do what we can to protect our children . We vaccinate . ( Or not . Let 's not go there today . ) We keep sharp knives off the counter and we cover the electrical outlets . But as I found out on Wednesday , kids find a way to injure themselves anyway . To continue with our story , we got to the emergency room at a small , local hospital that we had never been to before . As emergency rooms go , it wasn 't too bad . Jeff pointed out , " no bullet proof glass ! " But all ER visits require the one thing Moe hates to do : wait . But wait we did , first in the waiting room , then in our little curtained - off cubicle . I was pretty calm while we were waiting . It helped that Moe was no longer bleeding , and that the triage nurse put some gauze over his cut so I wasn 't staring at my failure as mother it . It was about this time that I realized that we had left the house in such a hurry that I neglected to get either a shirt or shoes for Moe . It was cold in the waiting room , but he didn 't seem to mind . The doctor finally came in . He was young and very nice , and he confirmed that Moe would need three or four stitches . We told him that Moe was autistic so wouldn 't be able to understand his directions . The doctor was incredibly kind to us and Moe . I was concerned that Moe wouldn 't be able to stay still for the stitches . It turns out that most four year olds won 't stay still for stitches , and he knew just what to do . They started by putting a topical anesthesia on the area . Then we had to wait 20 - 30 minutes . We gave Moe a snack and changed his diaper . Moe played with my iPhone . I reversed the camera and showed him how to take pictures of himself . ( Side note : why did I never think to show him that before ? ) About 45 minutes later , the doctor and RN ( an awesome guy with a hilarious southern accent that I can only describe , with apologies , as " redneck " ) came back with their tray of medieval torture devices . We swaddled Moe in a sheet , something we do in OT for calming . He was okay . Jeff held Moe 's torso . The RN held his head still . And the doctor started with the Lidocaine injections . The first shot wasn 't too bad . Moe cried a bit , but it didn 't seem horrible . But the second shot , which seemed a bit more directly into the wound , hurt . Moe screamed something like I 've never heard from him before . I felt it physically . Even though I knew I it was necessary , that sound has stayed with me . And Moe never stopped crying - hard - through the whole process , from two more Lidocaine shots , to cleaning out the cut with water , to three stitches . Despite the Lidocaine , I swear Moe could feel that first stitch going in . The doctor said he didn 't think so . After the painful shots , I 'm sure Moe was scared , didn 't like his head being held so tightly . Coincidentally , one of my BFF 's kids had the exact same injury when he was little , and she also said he didn 't recover during the process . As soon as they were done , and Jeff picked him up , Moe was completely fine . No more tears at all . But I haven 't quite recovered . I can still see his hands covered in blood and a gaping wound on his head . I can still hear his scream from that shot , and see the fear in his eyes as that first stitch went in . In the scheme of things , this was minor . How do parents watch their kids suffer through worse ? I hope I never know . It is , however , strangely nice to write about this . Moe 's autism had very little to do with what happened or how the process went . Through all the waiting , he was so well behaved in the ER . He hasn 't been messing with his stitches , and he 's letting me put antibiotic ointment on it . I wish it had never happened , but sometimes it is nice to have typical parenting stuff to talk about . Yesterday started off like any other day . I was excited because my BFF and her two boys were coming over for dinner . I made pizza dough in the morning , Jelly and I had the first day of the new session of music class , and things seemed under control . Oh , how wrong I was . A little after 4 : 00 , Jelly was watching Sesame Street and Moe was doing what he always does when the TV is on : watches a bit , runs down to his room , plays a bit , and comes back . He doesn 't sit still for long . If he 's out of my sight for too long , and I can 't hear what he 's doing , I check on him , and often will find him in some precarious spot like the top of his toy bin or standing on his dresser . He 's also a little bit clumsy . I 'm sure this is because of his motor delays and nothing to do with my athletic prowess . It isn 't unusual for him to trip occasionally as he runs down the hall . So yesterday , when Moe tripped in the living room , I barely even looked up . He wasn 't on top of a bookshelf or swivel chair ; he was maybe ten feet away from me . But Moe never cries when he falls . He always just gets back up . He cries when he 's hungry or frustrated , but like many kids on the spectrum , he seems to have a very high pain tolerance or experience pain differently than you and I . So when he didn 't get up from the ground , had his head buried in his hands , and started crying , I went to him . And when I picked up his head , all I saw was blood . I ran to get a clean towel , and see what was going on . It wasn 't his teeth or eyes , but a pretty deep cut on his forehead . I was worried at first that he actually landed on something , but that didn 't seem to be the case , so I just held him and applied direct pressure . Jelly was aware of what was going on , but since she doesn 't understand blood yet , she wasn 't too freaked out . The dog , ever sensitive to the slightest increase in stress in the room , immediately started barking . She always knows how to make a difficult situation just a little bit harder . At that point , I was a little stumped . I didn 't want to just put the kids in the car and run to the ER , since I felt like I needed to keep applying pressure to the wound . ( At what point does a cut qualify as a wound ? ) After a minute , I ran for the phone , called Jeff and told him to come home . I also called my BFF , who was supposed to be coming in another half hour or so , to come right away . Then I waited , holding Moe and the towel . After about 10 minutes , Moe did not want to sit still . He was not amused at the towel I still insisted on holding to his head , and kept trying to go to the table for a snack . Both Jeff and the BFF called , but between Moe 's crying and the dog barking , I couldn 't hear a thing . All I could say was " just come here . " She arrived in about 15 minutes , and Jeff was right behind her . Apparently , he made some daring traffic moves right in front of a cop , but fortunately did not get pulled over . By the time we got in the car , Moe had stopped bleeding , but it was pretty clear he was going to need stitches . He now has three of them . That story tomorrow . . . As you know , I have one typical child , as well as one with special needs . Watching Jelly , my typical two year old , gives us interesting insight into what a standard developmental path looks like . Although I do think this firsthand knowledge would have been helpful before Moe came along , because he is so delayed , they are sometimes quite similar , especially in terms of emotional development . But they are also quite different . So many things come easy to Jelly , especially in terms of her motor development . When she wants her body to do something , for the most part she can just do it . Moe has to work really hard even to make a fist for a fist bump . He 's only recently become fairly proficient at taking off his shoes , and can 't put them on himself , where Jelly has been able to take shoes off and on for many months . The biggest difference is their language development . Jelly has always been slightly ahead of the curve verbally , easily speaking in full sentences , and is working on concepts like when to use " ing " ( as in Mommy is typing ) , and prepositions ( in , on , behind , etc . ) . She practices these , speaking in sentences , and adjusting when they don 't sound right to her . I 'm not teaching her these things ; she just picks them up . It 's how most of us learn language , and it 's fascinating . You might think that this makes Jelly a much easier child to raise . Certainly her ability to say what she wants is very helpful . But Jelly is only two , so although she can talk , she isn 't yet rational . Nor does she have patience . Very small issues or delays can turn into major tears , although she is getting better with concepts like " first , then " ( as in , first we change your diaper then you can watch Dora ) . I read often about the epic meltdowns of our autistic kids , often in sensory overloaded , and very public , places like Target . I 've been lucky ( excuse me while I go knock on some wood ) that Moe is generally very well behaved when we 're out and , as a sensory seeker , usually loves to be in bright , noisy environments . But I was still quite surprised that Jelly was the one who indoctrinated me into the Target meltdown club . My membership card should be arriving any day . I was with Jeff and Moe , and the trigger was some perceived injustice around a hat that Moe had and Jelly didn 't . She whined and complained for a while . When Moe was finally done with the hat , Jelly got to hold it for a bit . But I wasn 't planning to buy it , so when we were done paying for the rest of our things , I gave the hat back . That was the last straw , and Jelly lost it . She was riding in the cart , otherwise I 'm sure she would have thrown herself on the floor in perfect tantrum form . It was also just about lunch time , and I 'm sure that didn 't help , but we couldn 't go home because some people were coming to see it . So we decided a quick lunch was in order . We wanted fast , so we stopped at Carl 's Jr . on the way home , thinking some fries and smoothies would help . Bad idea . This was the slowest fast food place ever . It took about 20 minutes from the time we ordered for them to bring our food . They weren 't busy , nor was the food any better for taking that long . Moe and Jelly whined , cried , and / or screamed the entire time . It sucked . The only saving grace was that Jeff was there . If I had gotten home and explained how Jelly had this horrible meltdown in Target , he would have sympathetically said " that 's too bad " then moved on . At least he got to experience this particular hell right along with me . Lucky guy . I had about an hour and a half of time to myself today . With both kids in school two mornings a week , I haven 't quite figured out how to plan my free time . I have a to - do list , of course , but for various reasons , can 't get them done . The place where I get my hair cut doesn 't open early enough for me to fit in a visit before I pick up Jelly . The oral surgeon ( ugh ) only does consultations in the afternoons . I " forgot " to bring my gym bag . You get the idea . But I 'm not actually in a college town . So when I walked in today , I found a few of the usual suspects along with many , many new moms and their babies . I sat down anyway , tried to write a little , but found myself distracted . It wasn 't the noise ; lord knows I can write through almost anything . I was distracted by the memories of my own first mom 's group meetings four years ago , Moe asleep in his car seat , me still learning how to hold a latte in one hand a push a stroller with the other . How can it possibly be four years ago that I was one of them ? How is it that so much and so little time has passed ? Four years goes by in a heartbeat , and yet in this particular four years , my world has changed completely . Part of the change was just having kids , that life - changing jump from " me " to " mommy . " But in the early days , Moe was just like all of those other babies . And I was just like all of those other moms . What is even harder to believe is that we have now had as much time with Moe since his autism diagnosis as we did before it . And every day , that divide between before and after , between me and those new moms , grows bigger . My worldview has shifted . I am deeply and fundamentally changed , both stronger and more fragile , sometimes sadder , but often more hopeful than ever before . They say one ending starts another beginning . Moe 's diagnosis put him on a new path , ending his " normal childhood " and filling his days with early intervention and special education . But it also gave us answers and started us on a path toward healing . The diagnosis put me on new path too . I am a special needs parent . I am a blogger . I am a member of a new community of parents , helping each other out one day at a time . Jelly , now just over two years old , has become a little parrot , repeating everything I say . While I 'm amazed at her pronunciation , this can be annoying , worrisome ( possible echolalia ? ) , entertaining , and a little dangerous . If I ask her a question , and she doesn 't know the answer right away , she will simply repeat the question . Although neither Jeff nor I are especially big swearers , certain words do come out of our mouths that we 'd rather our two year old didn 't repeat . While it may be cute to hear Jelly say " Oh my goodness ! So messy ! " I 'm a little less comfortable hearing her say " Berkeley , be quiet ! " or " Moe , stop it ! " When I got home from BlogHer , I had a temporary tattoo from the Aiming Low party , that said " Internets . Hell Yea ! " For some reason I read this out loud , and Jelly immediately repeated it . And while my first thought was " quick , go get the video camera ! " the mom in me quickly repeated " Oh yeah ! " and successfully changed her tune . Last weekend , the four of us went to the Hiller Aviation Museum . This is a pretty cool place for kids , and Jelly wanted to explore everything . One of the exhibits is the cockpit of a plane in which an attempted hijacking had been thwarted . I held Jelly up to see in inside and silently read the story . Jeff was only mildly interested so I gave him the quick summary of what happened . The hijacker was suffering from black lung disease and was mentally ill , but I insensitively just said " he was crazy . " Oops . Since then , Jelly has been saying " that 's crazy ! " I tried changing her to " that 's silly " but this time , I was too late . Fortunately , she didn 't realize I was talking about a person , and seemed to think I was describing the airplane . So now , any time she hears or sees an airplane , she immediately shouts " that 's crazy ! " In this case , I think my choice of words worked out okay . I can 't imagine a two year old shouting " that 's mentally ill ! " every time she sees an airplane . Last week , Moe had a few rough days at school . I attributed this to a rough transition back to school . He 's been tired from the long day and had a couple of sleepless nights . He can get really grumpy when he 's tired and people try to make him work . And school , although fun , is also a lot of work . Moe 's wonderful teacher from last year read my blog post about his recent aggression , and reminded me that something probably set him off . One comment on that post suggested we request a Functional Behavior Assessment ( FBA ) . Since it was only the second week of school , and because it had only been two rough days , I didn 't think that was appropriate yet . But it was a good reminder that there are tools to help us learn more . We don 't ever have to just shrug our shoulders and hope it goes away . For example , Moe pulled a child 's hair . His teacher said that they had a long circle time and Moe was probably frustrated with having to sit still for that long . So the antecedent may have been a long circle time . The behavior was pulling a child 's hair . The consequence was Moe got pulled into time out . But if we looked at this over time , we might learn something different . In the above example , Moe was sitting at the end of the circle . We might find that Moe is more likely to get frustrated when it takes longer to sing goodbye to him , so we can adjust the antecedent to put him at the beginning of the circle , thus avoiding the behavior . Or we might find that the issue is only when he sits next to a particular child . Maybe that child makes a noise that bothers Moe , or he touches Moe , so simply separating them solves the problem . Or maybe the pulling has nothing to do with the other kids , but is a sensory need , so providing a therapy band on the chair ( a trick our OT just taught us ) or using a lap pad could help provide input if he does get frustrated . We can also adjust the consequence to make sure an undesirable behavior isn 't inadvertently reinforcing the behavior . We might find that Moe is pulling hair to get attention . Obviously we can 't ignore an aggressive behavior , but we can be stoic in the way we respond . Or maybe Moe just wants to be out of the circle , and he does it so he can go to time out . By sending Moe to time out , we 'd actually be encouraging Moe to pull hair again , since he got to leave circle time , exactly what he wanted . In Moe 's case , I had another thought . As I was writing a note to his teacher about some other things , I had a realization . Moe 's lunchbox has been coming back almost full every day . He comes home and devours the entire contents . When Moe is hungry , he is very grumpy , and without words to express " feed me , dammit ! " he gets very frustrated . We ran into this last year when I realized that our weekend meal schedule was about a half hour off from the school schedule . Simply adjusting our schedule at home made things much better . I asked about this . Did Moe seem like he didn 't want to eat at school ? Or , since snacks are highly structured and they work on making requests , asking for more or help and sharing , perhaps they were asking too much of him at snack time ? Bingo . His teacher said that Moe often takes a long time to make requests so snack time is over before he 's eaten much . She said lunch is more about nutrition , and they aren 't as demanding . But I know Moe needs those snacks throughout the day to keep him going . I told her that Moe gets very frustrated when he 's hungry , and asked that they figure out a way to make sure he eats more during the day . Because he loves to eat , snack time is a great time to work with him , but if he 's not eating at all , that 's a problem . Maybe they need to dial back the demands until he 's better at it . ( They are going to start using pictures of his food to help with choice - making , something he is good at . ) Or maybe they ask for 5 spontaneous requests , but then give him free access . Or maybe give him bigger portions at each request . These are all small adjustments that could lead not only to reduced negative behaviors , but also to more successful learning at snack time , and a happier child who will be more receptive to learning throughout the remainder of the day . I 've always wanted to be really talented at something . Outside of the stick figures required for a good game of Pictionary , I am a terrible artist . I am a very bad singer , never had much skill at dancing , and quit playing the flute as soon as I could . I am good at things like interior design and am improving as a writer , but am I truly talented ? I don 't think so . Many people on the autism spectrum have amazing talents . These are sometimes referred to as " splinter skills , " but this is a term many people , including me , are uncomfortable with . It puts a true skill into a negative light . If someone is unable to dress himself but he can hear any piece of music and sit down and play it , why does the first trait take anything away from the second ? In fact , these talents are often a pathway to learning other skills . I think I have finally learned ( mostly ) to stop comparing Moe to other typical kids . I don 't constantly think how things would be different " if . " But I am by nature a competitive person , so I 've ( unwillingly ) started comparing Moe to other autistic kids . That kid can play guitar at age 5 ! That kid has a photographic memory ! This two year old can read ! But Moe doesn 't seem to have any extraordinary talents yet . He is a very musically - inclined kid . He loves to hum and sing melodies , and he is in tune , but I attribute that more to the early music classes I did with Moe , starting when he was just a baby . Their philosophy is that all children are inherently musical and can learn basic music competence ( singing in tune and keeping a rhythm ) . We 're always singing in our house . I find myself getting jealous of other kids who have these outstanding talents . How wonderful for their parents , who can say , " he can 't talk , but just look at these paintings he created . He 's so talented ! " You don 't have to tell me I 'm being ridiculous . I know this is , in part , just parental competitiveness . We all want our kids to shine , and we have to check our own motivations ( toddler beauty pageants , anyone ? ) . But I 'm also always looking for a way in with Moe , a path to connection and shared experience . I don 't care what it is . If he loves snakes , or rats , or bugs , I 'll learn everything I can about them . Of course , a love of mid - century modern design would be preferable . And later , fine food and wine would be perfect . I have to be careful with Jelly too . As my typical child , I need to be sure not to put too many expectations on her just to fulfill my need to see her in a dance recital . Though that would be really cute . |
As I 've mentioned , our house is on the market . We 've lived here for just over six years . That doesn 't seem like a very long time , but in many ways it has felt like a lifetime . Since moving in Jeff and I got married , had two kids , and started down our autism road . For a couple of those years , I really wanted to move . Our house is not big , and when Moe 's 25 hour a week ABA program was in full swing , I felt cramped . When Moe was working with a therapist , Jelly , the dog and I had to find other space to be in . I was unhappy with the situation and I projected that on to the house . I wanted more space , yes , but it doesn 't take a psychotherapist to see that I also wanted a fresh start . But now , the house is starting to feel bigger again . Part of this may have to do with the fact that a lot of our things , including some furniture and many boxes of toys , are in storage or in the garage . Moe is also in school for most of the day . Jelly is in preschool two mornings a week , and as she gets older , her time at home during the day will also decrease . Most days , I 'm also more at peace with Moe 's diagnosis , and as a result , with our life as a family . That helps put everything in a better light . I 'm also not looking forward to packing or finding another place to live , possibly two , if we have to rent for a while before we find a new place . There are still reasons to move . I cook and bake and I 'd love a bigger kitchen . I 'd like a comfortable guest room where the grandparents can stay . A playroom that I can make completely ( okay , almost completely ) Moe - proof and more conducive to teaching would be amazing . We could spend some money and turn our house into this , but it doesn 't make financial sense to do that in our current neighborhood . And lately , I 've been thinking our house is trying to tell us something . Like the way the wall jumped out and attacked Moe . Before that , half of one of our lovely dwarf pear trees , the only tress that provide any shade in our yard , fell . Moe has developed a new habit . He 's been spitting . He doesn 't spit at anything or anyone . He just spits on his fingers , then wipes it off on whatever is nearby including his shirt , the wall , the window or the sofa . Yuck . I 'm not sure exactly when it started , but it has been at least a month . I think it started around the time he started school this year . The good news is Moe doesn 't seem to be biting or chewing as much ( though he still puts everything in his mouth ) , so it seems this fun new behavior has replaced the old fun behavior . At least a little bit . For now . You know how these things go . I 've started meeting a few moms for breakfast occasionally , and we discovered last week that this habit seems to be going around . A number of the kids have been spitting . They 've also all been screaming the same high pitched scream . We all think it is our kid who started these lovely behaviors . But I 'm pretty sure it was Moe . At least it 's some form of imitation . Who says our kids aren 't paying attention ? The spitting is definitely a sensory seeking behavior , though I 'm not sure yet if it is the oral or tactile input , or both , that Moe likes . I also haven 't been able to track yet if it happens more during certain times of day or activities . Our OT suggested giving similar tactile input , like finger painting or playing with shaving cream , to see if that helps . I 'm considering trying the brushing protocol again to see if that helps . We already incorporate oral input into Moe 's sensory diet , like giving chewy and crunchy foods and giving smoothies through a straw . Does anyone else have any experience with this ? I 'd love to hear what has worked for you . I use pseudonyms for my kids on this blog . It felt like the right thing to do , but sometimes I don 't like it . You see , I love my kids ' names . Moe 's real name starts with a W . He was named after my brother , William . We Jews generally don 't name people after someone who is living , and usually do name our kids after someone who has died . Many choose to use the first letter of the name to honor the person . We thought about William but I just couldn 't bring myself to call my child Bill or Billy , the names my brother went by . So we went with another W name . As it turns out , William seems to be popular again , though most Williams I 've met seem to go by either Will or Liam . We were thankful that our first child turned out to be a boy . The W names for girls were less appealing than the one we chose for Moe . I already have a cousin Wendy , and although Willa and Willow had potential , our last name is Bush . So Willow Bush was probably not the best option . ( Some of my other favorite non - W girl names , like Rose , Olive and Lily were similarly off the table . ) Our last name has posed another challenge as well . In case you haven 't pieced this together yet , my son is W Bush . Yes , like the former president . And I am , to put it gently , not a fan . I have one friend who likes to bring up the fact that my son is W Bush . But this friend moved to Texas , thereby waiving all his rights to tease me about the W . After Moe 's stitches were in , the ER doc assured me that Moe would be fine , but understood " it must be hard when you can 't really explain what was going on . " I told him that maybe in this case it was a little easier , since he didn 't know it would hurt so he wasn 't scared in anticipation . The stitches weren 't any worse for it and the waiting process was so much easier . Getting the stitches out was the same . We had our regular pediatrician take them out . I was nervous with the anticipation of how it was going to go . But Moe was in a great mood . He was excited that I picked him up early from school . He was excited that he got to be with both Jeff and I without his annoying little sister taking away our attention . He had no reason to be concerned . And in this case , neither did I . The process was fast and easy . Moe sat on Jeff 's lap and held his arms still with one hand and his head with the other . Although Moe wasn 't thrilled with having his head held still , he didn 't put up much of a fuss and he let the doctor get close with those sharp scissors . At the end , she even remarked how impressed she was with how well he did and with his eye contact . He is usually a pretty happy kid . Because things were going so well , and because we were there , ( and are mean , mean parents ) , we decided to go ahead and give him a flu shot too . Lucky kid . He didn 't cry at the shot , but he did give us a quite a look . He may not have words , but his eyes gave us a sharp " now that was just uncalled for . " We do what we can to protect our children . We vaccinate . ( Or not . Let 's not go there today . ) We keep sharp knives off the counter and we cover the electrical outlets . But as I found out on Wednesday , kids find a way to injure themselves anyway . To continue with our story , we got to the emergency room at a small , local hospital that we had never been to before . As emergency rooms go , it wasn 't too bad . Jeff pointed out , " no bullet proof glass ! " But all ER visits require the one thing Moe hates to do : wait . But wait we did , first in the waiting room , then in our little curtained - off cubicle . I was pretty calm while we were waiting . It helped that Moe was no longer bleeding , and that the triage nurse put some gauze over his cut so I wasn 't staring at my failure as mother it . It was about this time that I realized that we had left the house in such a hurry that I neglected to get either a shirt or shoes for Moe . It was cold in the waiting room , but he didn 't seem to mind . The doctor finally came in . He was young and very nice , and he confirmed that Moe would need three or four stitches . We told him that Moe was autistic so wouldn 't be able to understand his directions . The doctor was incredibly kind to us and Moe . I was concerned that Moe wouldn 't be able to stay still for the stitches . It turns out that most four year olds won 't stay still for stitches , and he knew just what to do . They started by putting a topical anesthesia on the area . Then we had to wait 20 - 30 minutes . We gave Moe a snack and changed his diaper . Moe played with my iPhone . I reversed the camera and showed him how to take pictures of himself . ( Side note : why did I never think to show him that before ? ) About 45 minutes later , the doctor and RN ( an awesome guy with a hilarious southern accent that I can only describe , with apologies , as " redneck " ) came back with their tray of medieval torture devices . We swaddled Moe in a sheet , something we do in OT for calming . He was okay . Jeff held Moe 's torso . The RN held his head still . And the doctor started with the Lidocaine injections . The first shot wasn 't too bad . Moe cried a bit , but it didn 't seem horrible . But the second shot , which seemed a bit more directly into the wound , hurt . Moe screamed something like I 've never heard from him before . I felt it physically . Even though I knew I it was necessary , that sound has stayed with me . And Moe never stopped crying - hard - through the whole process , from two more Lidocaine shots , to cleaning out the cut with water , to three stitches . Despite the Lidocaine , I swear Moe could feel that first stitch going in . The doctor said he didn 't think so . After the painful shots , I 'm sure Moe was scared , didn 't like his head being held so tightly . Coincidentally , one of my BFF 's kids had the exact same injury when he was little , and she also said he didn 't recover during the process . As soon as they were done , and Jeff picked him up , Moe was completely fine . No more tears at all . But I haven 't quite recovered . I can still see his hands covered in blood and a gaping wound on his head . I can still hear his scream from that shot , and see the fear in his eyes as that first stitch went in . In the scheme of things , this was minor . How do parents watch their kids suffer through worse ? I hope I never know . It is , however , strangely nice to write about this . Moe 's autism had very little to do with what happened or how the process went . Through all the waiting , he was so well behaved in the ER . He hasn 't been messing with his stitches , and he 's letting me put antibiotic ointment on it . I wish it had never happened , but sometimes it is nice to have typical parenting stuff to talk about . Yesterday started off like any other day . I was excited because my BFF and her two boys were coming over for dinner . I made pizza dough in the morning , Jelly and I had the first day of the new session of music class , and things seemed under control . Oh , how wrong I was . A little after 4 : 00 , Jelly was watching Sesame Street and Moe was doing what he always does when the TV is on : watches a bit , runs down to his room , plays a bit , and comes back . He doesn 't sit still for long . If he 's out of my sight for too long , and I can 't hear what he 's doing , I check on him , and often will find him in some precarious spot like the top of his toy bin or standing on his dresser . He 's also a little bit clumsy . I 'm sure this is because of his motor delays and nothing to do with my athletic prowess . It isn 't unusual for him to trip occasionally as he runs down the hall . So yesterday , when Moe tripped in the living room , I barely even looked up . He wasn 't on top of a bookshelf or swivel chair ; he was maybe ten feet away from me . But Moe never cries when he falls . He always just gets back up . He cries when he 's hungry or frustrated , but like many kids on the spectrum , he seems to have a very high pain tolerance or experience pain differently than you and I . So when he didn 't get up from the ground , had his head buried in his hands , and started crying , I went to him . And when I picked up his head , all I saw was blood . I ran to get a clean towel , and see what was going on . It wasn 't his teeth or eyes , but a pretty deep cut on his forehead . I was worried at first that he actually landed on something , but that didn 't seem to be the case , so I just held him and applied direct pressure . Jelly was aware of what was going on , but since she doesn 't understand blood yet , she wasn 't too freaked out . The dog , ever sensitive to the slightest increase in stress in the room , immediately started barking . She always knows how to make a difficult situation just a little bit harder . At that point , I was a little stumped . I didn 't want to just put the kids in the car and run to the ER , since I felt like I needed to keep applying pressure to the wound . ( At what point does a cut qualify as a wound ? ) After a minute , I ran for the phone , called Jeff and told him to come home . I also called my BFF , who was supposed to be coming in another half hour or so , to come right away . Then I waited , holding Moe and the towel . After about 10 minutes , Moe did not want to sit still . He was not amused at the towel I still insisted on holding to his head , and kept trying to go to the table for a snack . Both Jeff and the BFF called , but between Moe 's crying and the dog barking , I couldn 't hear a thing . All I could say was " just come here . " She arrived in about 15 minutes , and Jeff was right behind her . Apparently , he made some daring traffic moves right in front of a cop , but fortunately did not get pulled over . By the time we got in the car , Moe had stopped bleeding , but it was pretty clear he was going to need stitches . He now has three of them . That story tomorrow . . . As you know , I have one typical child , as well as one with special needs . Watching Jelly , my typical two year old , gives us interesting insight into what a standard developmental path looks like . Although I do think this firsthand knowledge would have been helpful before Moe came along , because he is so delayed , they are sometimes quite similar , especially in terms of emotional development . But they are also quite different . So many things come easy to Jelly , especially in terms of her motor development . When she wants her body to do something , for the most part she can just do it . Moe has to work really hard even to make a fist for a fist bump . He 's only recently become fairly proficient at taking off his shoes , and can 't put them on himself , where Jelly has been able to take shoes off and on for many months . The biggest difference is their language development . Jelly has always been slightly ahead of the curve verbally , easily speaking in full sentences , and is working on concepts like when to use " ing " ( as in Mommy is typing ) , and prepositions ( in , on , behind , etc . ) . She practices these , speaking in sentences , and adjusting when they don 't sound right to her . I 'm not teaching her these things ; she just picks them up . It 's how most of us learn language , and it 's fascinating . You might think that this makes Jelly a much easier child to raise . Certainly her ability to say what she wants is very helpful . But Jelly is only two , so although she can talk , she isn 't yet rational . Nor does she have patience . Very small issues or delays can turn into major tears , although she is getting better with concepts like " first , then " ( as in , first we change your diaper then you can watch Dora ) . I read often about the epic meltdowns of our autistic kids , often in sensory overloaded , and very public , places like Target . I 've been lucky ( excuse me while I go knock on some wood ) that Moe is generally very well behaved when we 're out and , as a sensory seeker , usually loves to be in bright , noisy environments . But I was still quite surprised that Jelly was the one who indoctrinated me into the Target meltdown club . My membership card should be arriving any day . I was with Jeff and Moe , and the trigger was some perceived injustice around a hat that Moe had and Jelly didn 't . She whined and complained for a while . When Moe was finally done with the hat , Jelly got to hold it for a bit . But I wasn 't planning to buy it , so when we were done paying for the rest of our things , I gave the hat back . That was the last straw , and Jelly lost it . She was riding in the cart , otherwise I 'm sure she would have thrown herself on the floor in perfect tantrum form . It was also just about lunch time , and I 'm sure that didn 't help , but we couldn 't go home because some people were coming to see it . So we decided a quick lunch was in order . We wanted fast , so we stopped at Carl 's Jr . on the way home , thinking some fries and smoothies would help . Bad idea . This was the slowest fast food place ever . It took about 20 minutes from the time we ordered for them to bring our food . They weren 't busy , nor was the food any better for taking that long . Moe and Jelly whined , cried , and / or screamed the entire time . It sucked . The only saving grace was that Jeff was there . If I had gotten home and explained how Jelly had this horrible meltdown in Target , he would have sympathetically said " that 's too bad " then moved on . At least he got to experience this particular hell right along with me . Lucky guy . I had about an hour and a half of time to myself today . With both kids in school two mornings a week , I haven 't quite figured out how to plan my free time . I have a to - do list , of course , but for various reasons , can 't get them done . The place where I get my hair cut doesn 't open early enough for me to fit in a visit before I pick up Jelly . The oral surgeon ( ugh ) only does consultations in the afternoons . I " forgot " to bring my gym bag . You get the idea . But I 'm not actually in a college town . So when I walked in today , I found a few of the usual suspects along with many , many new moms and their babies . I sat down anyway , tried to write a little , but found myself distracted . It wasn 't the noise ; lord knows I can write through almost anything . I was distracted by the memories of my own first mom 's group meetings four years ago , Moe asleep in his car seat , me still learning how to hold a latte in one hand a push a stroller with the other . How can it possibly be four years ago that I was one of them ? How is it that so much and so little time has passed ? Four years goes by in a heartbeat , and yet in this particular four years , my world has changed completely . Part of the change was just having kids , that life - changing jump from " me " to " mommy . " But in the early days , Moe was just like all of those other babies . And I was just like all of those other moms . What is even harder to believe is that we have now had as much time with Moe since his autism diagnosis as we did before it . And every day , that divide between before and after , between me and those new moms , grows bigger . My worldview has shifted . I am deeply and fundamentally changed , both stronger and more fragile , sometimes sadder , but often more hopeful than ever before . They say one ending starts another beginning . Moe 's diagnosis put him on a new path , ending his " normal childhood " and filling his days with early intervention and special education . But it also gave us answers and started us on a path toward healing . The diagnosis put me on new path too . I am a special needs parent . I am a blogger . I am a member of a new community of parents , helping each other out one day at a time . Jelly , now just over two years old , has become a little parrot , repeating everything I say . While I 'm amazed at her pronunciation , this can be annoying , worrisome ( possible echolalia ? ) , entertaining , and a little dangerous . If I ask her a question , and she doesn 't know the answer right away , she will simply repeat the question . Although neither Jeff nor I are especially big swearers , certain words do come out of our mouths that we 'd rather our two year old didn 't repeat . While it may be cute to hear Jelly say " Oh my goodness ! So messy ! " I 'm a little less comfortable hearing her say " Berkeley , be quiet ! " or " Moe , stop it ! " When I got home from BlogHer , I had a temporary tattoo from the Aiming Low party , that said " Internets . Hell Yea ! " For some reason I read this out loud , and Jelly immediately repeated it . And while my first thought was " quick , go get the video camera ! " the mom in me quickly repeated " Oh yeah ! " and successfully changed her tune . Last weekend , the four of us went to the Hiller Aviation Museum . This is a pretty cool place for kids , and Jelly wanted to explore everything . One of the exhibits is the cockpit of a plane in which an attempted hijacking had been thwarted . I held Jelly up to see in inside and silently read the story . Jeff was only mildly interested so I gave him the quick summary of what happened . The hijacker was suffering from black lung disease and was mentally ill , but I insensitively just said " he was crazy . " Oops . Since then , Jelly has been saying " that 's crazy ! " I tried changing her to " that 's silly " but this time , I was too late . Fortunately , she didn 't realize I was talking about a person , and seemed to think I was describing the airplane . So now , any time she hears or sees an airplane , she immediately shouts " that 's crazy ! " In this case , I think my choice of words worked out okay . I can 't imagine a two year old shouting " that 's mentally ill ! " every time she sees an airplane . Last week , Moe had a few rough days at school . I attributed this to a rough transition back to school . He 's been tired from the long day and had a couple of sleepless nights . He can get really grumpy when he 's tired and people try to make him work . And school , although fun , is also a lot of work . Moe 's wonderful teacher from last year read my blog post about his recent aggression , and reminded me that something probably set him off . One comment on that post suggested we request a Functional Behavior Assessment ( FBA ) . Since it was only the second week of school , and because it had only been two rough days , I didn 't think that was appropriate yet . But it was a good reminder that there are tools to help us learn more . We don 't ever have to just shrug our shoulders and hope it goes away . For example , Moe pulled a child 's hair . His teacher said that they had a long circle time and Moe was probably frustrated with having to sit still for that long . So the antecedent may have been a long circle time . The behavior was pulling a child 's hair . The consequence was Moe got pulled into time out . But if we looked at this over time , we might learn something different . In the above example , Moe was sitting at the end of the circle . We might find that Moe is more likely to get frustrated when it takes longer to sing goodbye to him , so we can adjust the antecedent to put him at the beginning of the circle , thus avoiding the behavior . Or we might find that the issue is only when he sits next to a particular child . Maybe that child makes a noise that bothers Moe , or he touches Moe , so simply separating them solves the problem . Or maybe the pulling has nothing to do with the other kids , but is a sensory need , so providing a therapy band on the chair ( a trick our OT just taught us ) or using a lap pad could help provide input if he does get frustrated . We can also adjust the consequence to make sure an undesirable behavior isn 't inadvertently reinforcing the behavior . We might find that Moe is pulling hair to get attention . Obviously we can 't ignore an aggressive behavior , but we can be stoic in the way we respond . Or maybe Moe just wants to be out of the circle , and he does it so he can go to time out . By sending Moe to time out , we 'd actually be encouraging Moe to pull hair again , since he got to leave circle time , exactly what he wanted . In Moe 's case , I had another thought . As I was writing a note to his teacher about some other things , I had a realization . Moe 's lunchbox has been coming back almost full every day . He comes home and devours the entire contents . When Moe is hungry , he is very grumpy , and without words to express " feed me , dammit ! " he gets very frustrated . We ran into this last year when I realized that our weekend meal schedule was about a half hour off from the school schedule . Simply adjusting our schedule at home made things much better . I asked about this . Did Moe seem like he didn 't want to eat at school ? Or , since snacks are highly structured and they work on making requests , asking for more or help and sharing , perhaps they were asking too much of him at snack time ? Bingo . His teacher said that Moe often takes a long time to make requests so snack time is over before he 's eaten much . She said lunch is more about nutrition , and they aren 't as demanding . But I know Moe needs those snacks throughout the day to keep him going . I told her that Moe gets very frustrated when he 's hungry , and asked that they figure out a way to make sure he eats more during the day . Because he loves to eat , snack time is a great time to work with him , but if he 's not eating at all , that 's a problem . Maybe they need to dial back the demands until he 's better at it . ( They are going to start using pictures of his food to help with choice - making , something he is good at . ) Or maybe they ask for 5 spontaneous requests , but then give him free access . Or maybe give him bigger portions at each request . These are all small adjustments that could lead not only to reduced negative behaviors , but also to more successful learning at snack time , and a happier child who will be more receptive to learning throughout the remainder of the day . I 've always wanted to be really talented at something . Outside of the stick figures required for a good game of Pictionary , I am a terrible artist . I am a very bad singer , never had much skill at dancing , and quit playing the flute as soon as I could . I am good at things like interior design and am improving as a writer , but am I truly talented ? I don 't think so . Many people on the autism spectrum have amazing talents . These are sometimes referred to as " splinter skills , " but this is a term many people , including me , are uncomfortable with . It puts a true skill into a negative light . If someone is unable to dress himself but he can hear any piece of music and sit down and play it , why does the first trait take anything away from the second ? In fact , these talents are often a pathway to learning other skills . I think I have finally learned ( mostly ) to stop comparing Moe to other typical kids . I don 't constantly think how things would be different " if . " But I am by nature a competitive person , so I 've ( unwillingly ) started comparing Moe to other autistic kids . That kid can play guitar at age 5 ! That kid has a photographic memory ! This two year old can read ! But Moe doesn 't seem to have any extraordinary talents yet . He is a very musically - inclined kid . He loves to hum and sing melodies , and he is in tune , but I attribute that more to the early music classes I did with Moe , starting when he was just a baby . Their philosophy is that all children are inherently musical and can learn basic music competence ( singing in tune and keeping a rhythm ) . We 're always singing in our house . I find myself getting jealous of other kids who have these outstanding talents . How wonderful for their parents , who can say , " he can 't talk , but just look at these paintings he created . He 's so talented ! " You don 't have to tell me I 'm being ridiculous . I know this is , in part , just parental competitiveness . We all want our kids to shine , and we have to check our own motivations ( toddler beauty pageants , anyone ? ) . But I 'm also always looking for a way in with Moe , a path to connection and shared experience . I don 't care what it is . If he loves snakes , or rats , or bugs , I 'll learn everything I can about them . Of course , a love of mid - century modern design would be preferable . And later , fine food and wine would be perfect . I have to be careful with Jelly too . As my typical child , I need to be sure not to put too many expectations on her just to fulfill my need to see her in a dance recital . Though that would be really cute . |
The purpose of my blog is to record my family history and genealogy on my mother 's side of the family . The surnames include Hoover , Pickett ( Piggott ) , Eccles , Huddleston , Manis ( Maness ) , Gipson , ( Gibson ) Gifford , Lawson , Fish , and and other in my family tree . I will continue my genealogy research as I try to help others with their genealogy . I don 't guarantee that all my genealogical conclusions are correct , they are a work in progress . If I can get something written today I will make it through the challenge with a total completion of at least 250 words for all 28 days . Some days have been very difficult . Today I have just been putting off and my mind just can 't seem to think of anything to write about . I am going to complete the challenge so I thought if I just start writing maybe something will just appear on this page . Okay , here goes , let see what magic this computer can make happen . When did you meet your grandpa ? The only time I ever remember seeing mine I was about eleven or twelve years old . I don 't remember the date or exactly how old I was . In my mind I can see the day he came to our house . I know he died when I was 12 1 / 2 and it probably was not too many years before he died . He only lived about 30 miles from us , and maybe I had seen him before when I was younger . I really don 't know . If my mom was still around I would ask her . And I would ask her why he didn 't come to see us . I think I know what her answer would be . My grandfather married another woman after my mom 's mother died . Mom 's mother died when she was fifteen . I was told their stepmother was very mean to my mom and her sisters . They all got out of the house as quickly as possible . My oldest sister remembers visiting with Grandpa when she was young , so they did spend time together after my mom was an adult . The day that Grandpa came to visit , my little sister and I were at home . We were really excited . And you know how kids are when they get excited . We were pretty much bouncing off the walls . Grandpa and his wife Mabel came in and Grandpa talked to Mom . She was so happy to see him . She was almost glowing with happiness . I think that made my sister and I more nuts . Dad and Mom where probably getting a little upset with us . We were usually well behaved when someone came to visit . I remember that day we were running around and singing some silly little thing that we had made up . We sang something about " we have the piarrhea " something like diarrhea , but with a p in it . I have no idea why we were singing it . We were just being silly . I don 't know if something had been said before they got there that made us think of something so silly . I was usually quiet , not my little sister though . Well the one thing I remember is Mable saying with a disgusted look on her face , " Do they really have something wrong with them ? " My mom said , " No , they don 't " Grandpa really tried to be friendly with us , but we just didn 't know him . I think he waited too late for us . I know Mom really enjoyed seeing him that day . It wasn 't long after that he died . My mom told me we were going to his funeral . I told her that I didn 't want to go to a funeral , I couldn 't miss school that day . She didn 't make me go , I really didn 't know him . I was in eighth grade when he died . I remember being in school the day of his funeral , I was in my favorite class , an English class with a teacher I loved . She asked me what was wrong , I wasn 't my usual happy self . I told her that my grandpa had died . I didn 't know him . I think I was sad because I would never get to know him . All my other grandparents had died before I was born . This was the only chance for a grandparent I had and he was gone . This is my Grandfather , the one waving , with his children . My mom is in the back row . My aunt from Colorado is missing . I 'm not sure what year this was taken . The cars in the background might give an indication of the time frame . I am using Those Places Thursday to highlight battlefields where my ancestors fought . My great - grandfather Isaac G Manis fought at the Battle of Stone 's River . The Battle of Stone 's River began on the last day of 1862 and went into a few days of 1863 . It was one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War . My great grandfather fought in the 36th Indiana Regiment Company A . Posted by This is day 27 . Tomorrow will be the last day in the writing challenge . I have made it everyday for 27 days . I think I 've got this ! ! We had a 78th birthday party for my mom , two months and 2 days before she died . I think we all knew that my mom was not going to be around much longer . My sister decided that it was time for a big birthday party event . She rented a building and invited the whole family and lots of mom 's friends . My sister is the family organizer , she took care of almost everything . Mom and I always celebrated our birthdays together . My birthday was the day after Mom 's . My oldest sister 's was a week later . That time of year had always been special , because it was a time to share our birthday celebrations . This year it was really all Mom 's celebration . There were lots of gifts , I think we were all hoping that she would be able to enjoy them . She was living in the nursing home at the time . Her health was starting to get bad so she needed someone to care for her . I know one of the things I got for her was a book shelf for her room . She put her pictures and collectibles that she still had on it . When she died I brought the shelf home to keep to feel closer to Mom . It had held her treasure 's at the end of her life . We had such a nice day that day . There were so many of the little children running around the room and enjoying their time together . Our large family gatherings had dwindled over the years , especially after Mom had moved out of her house . There didn 't seem to be a central gathering place anymore . Mom got tired very quickly that day . Her body was starting to give out . She was there for us that day , not for herself . She was giving us a last birthday to remember . It was a few years before I could really enjoy my birthday . It always felt so lonely after Mom was gone . I had always celebrated with her ! The Family History Writing Challenge - Frank Hoover Day 26 , Yeah ! ! ! 2 more days ! ! I am ready to finish my commitment I will still write something everyday , but I won 't feel like I 'm under pressure to do it . Although , maybe I need that . I guess I will see after the challenge is over . I had only been blogging a short time when I started this . I have written about Frank Hoover before , but he is my biggest challenge . I don 't really know where he grew up and I am not sure who his parents were . He married my great grandmother Lulu Pickett and they had three children , one of which is my grandfather . My great grandmother was from a Quaker family and remained in the religion and her second husband was a Quaker . I believe Frank was probably from a Quaker family . I believe Frank had three marriages , the first two being very short . I have not yet been able to document it , but I have evidence leading to the fact that the first two wives died . I have been told that he had a son by one of the wives who was named John . Again I have no evidence of that , just a cousin that said she knew of him . I searched for his death certificate and was lucky enough to find it very quickly . The problem with that was there was very little information recorded on it . He died from meningitis . The death certificate had date of death , where he died , and the cause of death . Nothing else . Whoever was filing in the record book did not record parents names , dates of birth , or any of the other entry areas on the page for anyone . Great ! Next , I went to the cemetery where most of the family is buried , not really expecting to find anything . This is a predominantly Quaker cemetery . Well his grave was there , right beside Lulu 's mother 's grave . They died within three years of each other . Lulu is buried a little further over in the cemetery with her second husband . I guess I will continue to search for Frank Hoover , my great grandfather . I hope to someday figure out who he belongs with and find out who my great - grandparents were . The town of Richmond was made up in large part by Quakers . There were many families with the last name Hoover . I haven 't found any with the names listed in the marriage records of Frank . Any suggestions ? The Family History Writing Challenge Day 25 . Effie May Manis was the sister of my Great Grandfather , Lester Manis . Effie May was born in New Castle , in Henry County , Indiana to Lucinda Zornes and Isaac Manis . She was born in September of 1879 . Her parents were divorced when she was young . Effie May 's mom married again in 1888 . They had moved from Henry County to Richmond in Wayne County . Effie May married her sister - in - laws cousin , Frank Gibson , on March 1 , 1892 . They lived in Richmond . They began have children right away . They ended up with one daughter and five sons . In 1910 Frank was working in a hat factory in Wabash County , and Effie May was home taking care of the children . By 1920 , Effie May and Frank had moved to Niagara Falls , New York . Frank was working in a hat factory . I wish I knew what took them to live in Niagara Falls . Their son , Lemoine , was living next door to them . They didn 't stay in Niagara Falls very long because they were back in Richmond when the 1930 Census was taken . Frank died in January 1933 , and Effie May soon followed . She died on November 20 , 1933 . She was 5 I have always believed that , Isaac Manis , her father , had left when the children were young . If that is the case , Effie May must have spent time with him . She named one her sons Isaac . She is also buried in the same cemetery in Preble County , Ohio that her father is buried in . Posted by My cousin Tommy died when I was a Freshman in High School . I have been to the Vietnam Wall a few times to see his name and make etchings . The Wall is such a solemn place . Posted by Day 24 in The Family History Writing Challenge . Wow , I 'm almost there . I made a commitment to write a story every day for the month of February . If I can get this one , I will only have four more to go . Tonight I am going to write about the most stubborn women I ever met . Have you ever met someone who was just so stubborn that you just knew when you came up against them you could never win ? Well I have ! I grew up in a house with someone like that . She was stubborn to her very core . I believe that is what allowed her to survive things that came her way . My mother , Shirley Plummer , was that woman . Life was sometimes cruel to her , but she stood through it all . Her mother died before she turned 16 . She then was faced with a stepmother who wasn 't happy to deal with her husband 's daughters . My mother left home soon after her stepmother moved in . She went to live with a sister for a while and then had to make her own way . Throughout her life she was faced with many of life tribulations . She had a daughter die at 10 months old , a son die at the age of 35 , and a granddaughter die at the age of 4 months . If that wasn 't enough she had her oldest daughter 's husband die leaving grandchildren aged 1 , 2 , and 3 without their father . Then her next to youngest daughter 's husband was a police office who died in the line of duty , leaving children 2 , 4 , and 6 without a father . Finally , her youngest daughter 's husband committed suicide and left children 3 and 5 years old to be raised by their mother . This story had a lot of tragedy , but if you had known Shirley Plummer you wouldn 't believe she had seen so much sadness in her life . Her determination allowed her to move on and enjoy life . She raised 8 children to adulthood and had so many children and grandchildren that she loved and would do anything for . The picture that is attached shows her with her foot propped up on a stool as she was washing dishes . My sister wanted to do the dishes and she refused the help . She wasn 't going to allow anything to get the better of her . She never did . Her son - in laws all say the when any of her daughters get angry they see the " Shirley Plummer " coming out . They know that 's when they might as well give up because they can 't win . My mother is gone but she left a wonderful legacy behind . This is day 23 of The Family History Writing Challenge . I think my mind is a little fried . I haven 't been able to think of any interesting way to tell another story . I know there are many , many stories left to tell . Why am I having such a hard time trying to figure out where to start ? So tonight I am going to write an old story that goes back a few generations . I will be writing about my first cousin 4X removed . John Huddleson was born December 10 , 1807 , in Guilford County , North Carolina to Jonathon and Phoebe Gardner Huddleston . When John was young his Quaker parents were unhappy with slavery in the south . They decided to leave North Carolina and come to Indiana . They arrived in Union County , Indiana in the fall of 1815 . His father ran a pioneer store southeast of Liberty , Indiana , and was said to have kept a station of the Underground Railroad . In 1821 , John and his family moved to the area of Dublin and Cambridge City , in Wayne County , Indiana . The lived on property on the south side of National Road . John married Susannah Moyer on March 4 , 1830 in Union County , Indiana . John 's father deeded some property to John and he started building his home . John made the bricks on the farm to build his house . He built a magnificent three story house that would be used for a stop along the National Highway for travelers to stay and get meals . People came for miles to see this house as John was building it . Once the house was completed it became a place for pioneers who were heading west to find food and shelter . Men driving hogs and cattle that were to be shipped by the Whitewater Canal to Cincinnati would stop for the night . The home was known as the Huddleston Inn or the Huddleston House . It is a historic landmark today . Many travelers went down the old National Road . The road had low swampy areas and travelers were often stuck . John would bring out his horses and pull them out . One of the travelers that he pulled out was President Martin Van Buren . The president asked him if he knew who he was helping and John told him it didn 't matter , he would help anyone out . John operated his inn for many years . He died at the age of 72 , on August 29 , 1877 , after being kicked by a horse . His wife continued to live in the home until her death many years later . Her son , Henry , purchased the farm . The inn was in family hands until it was sold in 1933 . My son and I made a trip down to see the Huddleston Inn last summer . The inn is only open on Fridays now , so we were unable to go in . We did get to walk around the property and spend time at the graveyard . John , his father and mother , and many other Huddleston family members are buried there . When I started blogging I did it because I thought it would be a good way to make our family history more accessible to family members . I hoped it would attract cousins who might be able to help put together more family information . I believe both those things have worked . I know some family members have really enjoyed reading the blog . They have thanked me . I have also met a distant cousin who has researched for over 43 years and he has sent me some information and is getting together lots more . There has been an added bonus . When I am writing the stories I start to the more about the person I 'm writing about . They are no longer details on a piece of paper . I begin to think more about ways to follow up on my research and I am finding lots of new information . Some of my ancestors I haven 't done research on for quite a while . In that time I have come across new resources and with the constantly updated digital files there is more available . I did a post on my dad 's family blog today . When I started writing the post I really felt like I didn 't know much at all about my great uncle . When I was finished I felt like I knew him personally . I am anxious to get started on some of his siblings now ! The Family History Writing Challenge Day 22 . Tonight 's story is one I really wish I had more details on and hope to find out more in the future . It is a controversial topic , but it is in the family history . I don 't understand what people were thinking or going through in those years , so I can 't have a true understanding of how they could have been involved in an organization like this . Since this was such a secret society I may never be able to document this story . My dad had three older half - sisters , their mother died when they were young . They were Dollie , Margaret , and Virginia ( Vergie ) . They all were born in Kentucky before the turn of the century . Dollie was born in 1886 , Margaret in 1891 , and Vergie in 1894 . My cousin had told me at one time she had a picture of Dollie , but that she had burned it . I had no idea what would make her burn a picture of her dad 's half - sister . Recently she told me why she burned it . The picture was of a woman in her casket . That 's not so unusual , it 's what the woman had in her casket that upset my cousin . She was wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and had other Klan items in her casket . I 'm not sure how she knew , but she said the women had something in the casket that indicated that she was an Imperial Leader . I have also made contact with an extended cousin , Margaret 's granddaughter . As we were talking she said that she remembers a picture of her grandmother in her casket and that she had KKK things in her casket . She believes her mother destroyed the picture after her father died . She was young the last time she saw the picture and wasn 't really sure of the details . Now , my question is , were both women involved or was there a mis - identification of one of the pictures . I don 't know if that is something we will ever be able to figure out . I have another cousin that says that the original picture that my cousin burned had been copied and she believes a copy still exists . I am still hoping to find the copy . I also found more information on the WKKK that I didn 't know about before . They were involved with giving lots of money to charitable organizations . The major areas of work for the WKKK was for Americanism , education , public amusements , legislation , child welfare and delinquency , civics , law enforcement , disarmament , peace , and politics . Nationwide as many as a half - million women were in the Klan . There duty was to uphold " the sanctity of the home , and the chastity of womenhood . " Margaret died in 1927 , at the age of 36 , and Dollie died in 1930 , at the age of 44 . When looking back through family history you never know what you will find , there will be things that you are proud of and things that are harder to understand . I hope we can find the picture , it is a part of our ancestry , even if we don 't approve of it . I don 't have any pictures of any of the women , I wish I did . I believe Margaret 's granddaughter has pictures and I hope to meet her someday , maybe she will share . I have talked to her on the phone . My great great grandmother Lucinda was the mother of Lester " Pop " Manis . Lucinda was born in Mar 1849 . I believe that her parents are John and Elizabeth ( Allender ) Zornes . The spelling may have been Zorns . I have no real proof of who her parents are . I also believe that Lucinda was born in Rush County , Indiana . I have found census records that show a Lucinda with a John and Elizabeth . Rush County is next to Henry County were Lucinda later lived . My first record of Lucinda is when she married Isaac Manis , my great great grandfather , recently returned from the Civil War . They were married on 27th day of September , 1867 . They were together on the 1870 Census and again on the 1880 Census . By 1880 , they had Marietta , Nancy , Lilly , Lester , ( My Great Grandfather ) Effie May , and Georgie . She and Isaac divorced sometime in the 1880 's . On the 1900 Census , Lucinda is a widow , the head of household , and her daughter , Effie May , and her family are living with her . In 1910 , she is living with her daughter , Nancy Murphy , and her family . In a 1912 , City Directory , shows Lucinda as a boarder in Richmond . Lucinda died on June 27 , 1917 from heart disease . She was 72 years old . This is day 21 in The Family History Writing Challenge . I have been thinking about writing this story all month . It is the hardest story I have to write . I don 't know if I will be able to do it justice . Sometimes you can be too close to a story to tell it very well . I guess we 'll see . This is my story . On July 2 , 1979 , I was at home with my children . My husband , Roy , was at work . He was a trooper with the Indiana State Police . He had now been working with them for three years . We moved to the area about 2 1 / 2 years ago . We had made friends in our town and lots of friends on the department . The Indiana State Police was a huge family in those years . My husband had just gotten back from a two - week camp for Officer 's Training with the Army National Guard . He was now a Second Lieutenant . He had returned a few days before and still had a couple of days off . We decided it would be a great time to redo our daughter 's bedroom . We took the furniture out of the room and removed the carpet , new carpet was going to be installed the next day . We got the room painted and everything was ready for the carpet delivery . Our daughter 's bed was put in her brother 's room where she was going to spend the night . The State Police worked a six day on , two day off swing shift in those days . Roy was working an evening shift that evening . He left before dark to start his shift . He shift would be over at midnight . It was summer so the kids and I played outside . Around dark the kids came inside and and started getting settled for the evening . Roy called and said , " I 'll be by to get some dinner in a little while . " He normally came home for dinner on the evening shifts . Some times he got to eat before he was called back out , other times he didn 't . This was a good evening , things must have been quiet on the roads . He ate bacon sandwiches and sat down and watched " Black Sheep Squadron " with Robert Conrad . It was his favorite show at the time . Since it was summer I 'm sure it was a rerun . Before he headed back out we went outside and lit sparklers with the kids . He kissed all the kids goodnight and headed out the door . I hollered at him , " Hey , where 's my kiss ? " He leaned back and gave me a quick peck . I said , " You call that a kiss ? He laughed and said , " You 'll get yours later ! " I stood on the porch and watched him drive away . I got the kids to beThey came in and I broke down for a few minutes . Then they started asking me questions . Who do we notify ? Can you give us addresses and phone numbers . All I could think of was " they need to tell his mother " . They told me they would send a trooper to his mother 's house and to my mother 's house . I said , " Okay . " They called and made the arrangements for the troopers to make notification . They went across the street and got my neighbors . A women who was like a grandmother to my children , Wilma and a friend , Vickie . They came over to sit with me . All at once a thought went through my mind , " she 's going to be alone when they tell her . " I immediately got up and went to the phone and called my sister - in - law . The phone woke her , she answered with an apprehensive sound in her voice . I said , " Sondra , R . E . died tonight , they are going to tell your mom . She needs someone there with her right away . " Her husband was asking what was going on . She told him , " R . E . 's dead . " He told her to hang up , it was just a prank . She said , " No , it 's Betty ! " I don 't remember what was said after that , I 'm sure she called her brother and they got to her mom as quickly as they could . Before long , my house started filling up . My mother and my sisters showed up . Roy 's mother and his brother and sister showed up . There were just people coming from everywhere . Unbelievably my children slept through it all . As morning got there , I knew I was going to have to tell the children . I didn 't want them to come out into the crowded house and not know what was going on . I decided to go into the children 's bedroom by myself . My daughter was 6 years old , my son 's were four and two . I went in and sat down with the older two and put the little one on my lap . I told them that something bad had happened to Daddy and he was dead now . He wouldn 't be coming home anymore . The four year old just looked at me , but my daughter was extremely upset . She said , " No , I hate you for telling me that ! " The little one didn 't understand he just knew it was bad . The only other things I can remember was going in that day to pick out a casket to put my husband in . I had never been to pick out a casket before . When my dad and brother died my mother did it and probably took along some of my older siblings . My husband , Roy E . Jones , died in the line - of - duty on July 3 , 1979 , just a few minutes after midnight . He had been about 2 minutes from home when he got a call that another small town had a drunk driving running from him and he was heading in my husband 's direction . He turned around and went back to assist the Town Marshall . He had spent his life serving . He had been a Green Beret in the Viet Nam War , on a Special Forces Reconnaissance Team . He served with the 101st Airborne Division . He came home form the the war with many medals , including the Bronze Star . He died at the age of 31 . This is day 20 of The Family History Writing Challenge and today 's story is about my 1st cousin 4X removed . He grew up in Frankon , Indiana , to a good family . This was my great great great grandfather 's brother 's son . This story made the New York Times . My cousin , Perry Manis , was one of fifteen children . What was different about Perry ? The other children were all just normal , law abiding people . What happened to Perry ? Perry had been a preacher of the gospel . Perry had never really committed any crime . He had been married and was the father of two children . He liked to visit prostitutes . On September 7 , 1883 , Susan Nelson , told people that she was going to Kansas City , Missouri , where her son was ill and she would not be returning to Anderson . She withdrew funds from the bank , and hired a man to take her trunk to the train depot . She got on the evening train heading west . In the month of October , a man was hunting in the woods southwest of Terre Haute . His dog was running ahead , and came back carrying something in his mouth . On further inspection , that man saw that it was a skull . He looked around the area and found more human bones . He was uncertain , but he thought someone had been murdered . He came back to the area the next morning with some friends to continue searching . They found pieces of a woman 's clothing , and then , the remainder of her body . They went to find the coroner . The coroner found she had no identification and she had $ . 83 in her pocket . Her skull had been crushed by a heavy blow and there were signs of a struggle . The coroner determined that the body had been there for about four or five weeks . He had no idea who she might be , but he was certain she had been murdered . The people in the area keep searching , someone needed to find out who this woman was . Finally , something was found . There was an insurance policy , torn in two , laying in some tall grass . It was readable . It was made out to Mrs . Susan Nelson of Anderson , Indiana . It was a policy for her household goods . Now , they had an idea who the body might be . They began investigating . An investigator went to Anderson . In Anderson , they soon found out that the body was definitely Susan Nelson . In searching they home they came across some information . There was a letter from her son postmarked from Brazil , Indiana , near Terre Haute . Her son had been in some issues in the past . They thought they had found their murderer . They found him in Missouri and found that he had a reliable alibi . They murderer was still at large . Soon after Perry Manis was locked up in Anderson for associating with prostitutes . During his jail time , something he said or did brought him under suspicion of murder . Officials began checking into what he had been doing at the time Susan Nelson went missing . He had left town about the same time as Mrs . Nelson and had returned about four or five weeks later . He left without a trunk and returned with a trunk and a large sum of money . A young man came forward with testimony that he had overheard Perry and Mrs . Nelson talk about going to Kansas City and opening a boarding hotel . Investigation in the Terre Haute area , found someone who had seen Perry and Mrs . Nelson at a boarding house . He had hired a horse and buggy and the two of them left together . Perry returned later by himself . Perry was arrested and taken to Noblesville to be put in jail . At Noblesville he tried to escape , but was re - captured and taken to Terre Haute for a murder trial . Perry later admitted to the crime , but said he had accomplices who were never named . Mrs . Nelson was the sister of Frederick and Michael Bronnenberg , who had lived in Madison County all their lives . What happened , did he just want the money Mrs Nelson carried or was there more to the story ? Perry died in prison a couple of years later . Printed in The New York Times , January 10 , 1884 . Wishful Wednesday is a new prompt from GeneaBloggers . You are supposed to write about someone you wish you could have met or a day or event in the life of an ancestor that you wish you could have been a part of . I wish I could have met my mom 's mother , my grandmother Ethel . Ethel was a beautiful woman and she died way too young . She fell over one day and died soon after . She had an brain aneurysm . She would have 39 in three weeks had she lived . She left 4 daughters at home , and her oldest son and daughter were married . She had some wonderful daughters , so she must have been a great mother . They were all wonderful mothers . I imagine her being like my mother and my aunts . I think I would have loved her very much . This is my mom 's Grandma and Step - Grandpa . The grandchildren all called her " Little Grandma " . I know she was a very small woman . " Arty " as he was called had to be under 5 foot . This is day 19 of The Family History Writing Challenge . I decided to write about a cousin today . The story of his death and other events of the day are quite unusual . My great grandfather 's sister married my great grandmother 's cousin , and Lemoine Wesley Gibson is their son . Lemoine was my first cousin two times removed , and with the other relationship he is probably also a distant cousin again . August 1947 , in Richmond , Indiana , had turned into a scorcher . There had not been a break from the heat all month and here is was all ready the 25th . Lemoine had been running his farm near Kitchel Station and dealing with the heat . He also traveled around to other farms in the area and did custom baling . He got up early that morning and told Mary he was heading over to the Wuenker farm . He spent the morning baling and he was trying to get some finished when the clouds started to look ominous . He wanted to get the section done that he was working on before the rain hit . He saw lightning off in the distance and it started to cool down quickly . Just a few more minutes and he could head in to the farmhouse and take shelter from the storm . It was time to grab a little lunch anyway . At 12 : 10 pm a bolt of lightning struck . It was a huge bolt and it hit Lamoine hard . The force of that bolt ripped the shoes right from his feet . It stopped Lamoine 's watch . It killed the horses that were standing near him . When the storm had passed over and Lamoine had failed to come to the house to get out of the storm , John Wuenker began to worry . A couple of hours later , Mary was at home and she saw a storm coming in . This was the same storm that had struck Lamoine . Mary didn 't know about Lamoine yet . The lightning in this storm was still monstrous . It was cracking all around . The next thing Mary knew the house was struck . Thank goodness , it hadn 't caught the house on fire . She realized later it had taken out some wiring in the oil furnace . The coroner came in the late afternoon with the Wuenker 's to inform Mary that Lamoine was stuck by lightning and had died . Lamoine was laid out for his funeral at his farmhouse two days later . One of his young nieces remembered going to attend his funeral . She was more concerned about the " poor " horses dying than her Uncle Lamoine . Lamoine was taken to his final resting place at Earlham Cemetery in Richmond . Posted by Lester Parker Manis was my great grandfather . He was the father of Ethel Manis , my mom 's mother . My mom called him " Pop " . He served in World War I . For more information click on his name , it will take you to a previous post about his life . This is the burial card from Earlham Cemetery in Richmond , Indiana . They have cards for all of their graves . It lists his cause of death as Carcinoma of Pyloris . We watched the Crater Scene and the entire movie . It is an excellent movie if you haven 't seen it . After watching the movie and thinking about what our country and people went through it is amazing that we came back together as a country . We as a country have been so lucky that all the people in our generation have never had to deal with fighting in our own homeland . Posted by This is my contribution to The Family History Writing Challenge for Day 18 . I am writing this from information I took from a letter written by Jeannette Eccles Irwin . At a later date , I will post the letter and the translation . Jennie was my 2nd great grand aunt . Her mother was Rachel Huddleston Eccles and her father was John P Eccles . Jennie was born in Ohio on May 25 , 1832 . It hadn 't been to many years after her father had left her mother in North Carolina . He took off and left the family alone . Jennie 's uncle made the trip back from Ohio to bring her family from North Carolina to Ohio . Jennie 's was born either in North Carolina or her father returned for a while and she was born in Ohio . Shortly before or after Jennie was born her father and one of her brothers left and the family never saw them again . They went south to Alabama or Mississippi where some of her father 's family was located . Jennie and her mother moved in with her sister , Lydia Stubbs . In a few years Jennie met and married William Irvin . Jennie 's husband may have been crippled . Around 1869 , Jennie had a son , she named him William after his father . In 1880 , their son William is no longer living with them . Jennie must have had some disappointments in her life . In December 1884 , she was living in Boone County , Indiana with her sister , Lydia Stubbs . Jennie 's mother had died in 1863 . She was very sad and melancholy during this time . She was helping her sister out at the time . She felt like she was old and had nothing to offer anyone . Jenny was concerned about not having any money to purchase gifts for anyone and what she was going to do after Lydia died . She felt like she was being left out of things . Lydia died in 1889 . Jenny moved to Richmond , Indiana and was living there in 1900 . She was living with two boarders in her house . When she died in January 28 , 1907 her body was sent to Middletown , Ohio for burial . Posted by Last summer , my son and I decided to photograph graves . When deciding how we were going to document them I decided to look at some of the sites available . We knew we were going to put them on Find A Grave . In looking around though I found an app for BillionGraves . com . If you haven 't checked out Billion Graves you should . We took all our pictures with our iPhones . The great thing about this is with the Billion Graves app it would GPS every grave . When we completed our photos each day we could just push download and they were all downloaded into their database within minutes . We loaded over 4500 pictures into their database last summer . As far as transcribing them , I could go into their site later and transcribe . Another really exciting thing about their site is that other people can transcribe for you . If you just have time to take pictures , someone will transcribe them from the pictures you have downloaded . This is a place that allows you to get more graves on line very quickly . They are now associated with FamilySearch . I love the Find A Grave site but it is way more time consuming . We did put all our photos onto Find A Grave too . On FAG I have taken the time to built memorials . In our local cemetery I have searched for obituaries and cemetery records to put as much information on as I can . The Billion Graves site gives people the opportunity to look for graves that aren 't on Find A Grave , and they are increasing their database rapidly . I am sure as the site grows more memorials will be built there too . They offered an incentive for submitting graves . They give you a bonus for so many graves submitted . They will email me anytime a surname is downloaded . I can ask for it to be in a specific area or just any time the name is added . I have 4 or 5 ongoing surname searches ongoing . I am waiting for a great find ! So far lots of emails , no great finds . I keep hoping someone will walk into a cemetery full of my ancestors and I will receive a email . If you become one of their paid members there are extra services available . Another great thing is the option to use GPS . I believe you must be a paid member , but you can walk into a cemetery and using your smartphone allow the GPS to guide you right to a grave . I think all their services come for $ 9 . 99 a year , so it is very reasonable . The new LegacyTec is also associated with Billion Graves . They are adding a new app that will allow you to take a picture of the grave and it will pull up the information they have associated with that grave . The more they build their database the better that service will be . It would be extremely exciting to be walking through a cemetery and see a grave with your surname and be able to take a picture of it and find out about the person . It 's amazing how all the new technology is opening up the past for us . At the rate things are going in a few years everyone could know their family history without a lifetime of searching . I am sure that all of the true genealogists would still be able to find things to search for . It 's part of the fun ! Here is my story for The Family History Writing Challenge for day 17 . This weekend has been a difficult time for writing , so much going on . Maybe next week I will get back in the groove . My eighteen year old son and I spent a lot of time this summer photographing graves . We put 4 , 531 grave photos on Billion Graves and we put 3 , 357 grave photos and 2 , 520 memorials on Find A Grave . It was work , but we enjoyed it so much , even in the upper 90 degree temperatures . We felt like we were giving back . I found a memorial for my Uncle John on Find A Grave . It was a military grave located in Oregon . It didn 't have a photo on the memorial . I put in a request for a photo on the site and by that evening I had the photo of his grave . I probably would never have made it there to get the picture myself . We knew there were people in other parts of the country looking for graves located in Indiana . This was our opportunity to help . A few months later , I noticed a message on my Find A Grave account . I had a person thanking me for taking the photos , and making the great memorial . Well , this memorial happened to be a memorial for my mother 's Aunt Luella . I had put a few pictures of her there , in addition to the grave photo . I was very curious then , who was this person thanking me for putting my great aunt 's memorial up ? I sent back a message asking if she was related to Luella , and if so what was her connection . She told me that Luella 's second husband was her grandfather 's brother . Well , that connection was not that great , but her next statement was , I have Luella 's son 's phone number if you would like to contact him . Luella 's youngest son was still living ! I had information on him in my tree . I knew he was about 85 , but I didn 't know he was still living . She said she would contact him and see if it was okay to pass on his phone number . The next day she gave me his phone number . I called my mom 's cousin , Paul . When I started talking to him and told him my mother was his cousin . I said I was Shirley Hoover 's daughter . He immediately came back with my mother 's married name , and said you mean Shirley Plummer . He knew my mother ! She was older , but they lived next door to each other at one time . He knew my grandfather , my great grandmother , and many members of my family on a personal basis . He then asked if I had talked to his nephew who was 82 years old . He said Jim would have many things to talk about to and gave me his number . Jim 's mother had died with tuberculosis when he was eight months old , he was raised by my mother 's Posted by I started this blog in December . During the last few weeks I have gotten several comments from a niece who is in her twenties . I have also gotten comments from my daughter who I nearing forty . They have both enjoyed reading the stories about the family . My niece is one of my younger nieces who I haven 't really gotten to spend much time with over the years . After my mother died the family has not been as close as when she was there to pull everyone together and my niece has felt the loss of family . She only remembered my mother as an older woman in the hospital . The blog has given me a new connection to my niece and I hope it continues it grow . We have communicated more in the last few weeks than in last few years . My niece has talked about starting a blog now and recording the family stories she has for her children . She wants to do it while the memories are fresh . I hope she chooses to go ahead with it . I know while she has young children it is difficult to find time to do things . I wish I had started writing things down a long time ago instead of waiting until I was older . A few of my mother 's grandchildren , around 30 years ago . The Family History Writing Challenge is a great thing , but today I must have writer 's block . The story lines I had planned all seem wrong . Yesterday , my story just came so easy . Today , I hope I have a story . I think I am tired so my brain is just not up for writing today . I guess I 'll just take a stab at it and see where it goes . My mom , Shirley Plummer , did lots of work over the years to help out with the family finances . In a previous post , I talked about her doing other people 's laundry . She also drove a taxi for a while . She would do any job to help her family . She was the church bus driver for a few years , so when she got the opportunity to drive a bus for the senior citizens transportation service , she grabbed the opportunity . Driving the bus to take the elderly to the Senior Citizens Center , their doctor 's appointments , to the grocery store , and wherever they needed to go was a job , but it became a labor of love . They didn 't pay much to ride the bus , it was more of a service that was offered by the community center . Mom drove that bus for several years . She had developed a friendship with all the elderly people that rode her little mini - bus . She talked with each of them and found out about their lives . Many of the people were very lonely . They were happy to have someone who cared what they did each day . She would help them to load and unload their groceries . Over those years she knew most of the elderly people in town . My mom worked on the bus up until she couldn 't work anymore . Over those years she made contact with many people in town and made lots of friends . Mrs . Plummer , as she was known to her passengers , was finished driving the elderly of Connersville , Indiana . I am still in The Family History Writing Challenge . This is day 15 , I do think this is a great idea . I hope I can continue to work at this after the month is over . I keep thinking I will run out of stories , but then something just pops into my mind . I will talk to a family member , and something will just click . Today , I saw the date and it brought a story to mind . I was going to write about something else , but this story fits today . On February 15 , 1977 my family and I moved into the house I still live in . This house has seen lots of life over the last 36 years . If these walls could talk , oh the stories they would tell . My first husband , Roy , and my three oldest children and I lived in Richmond . Roy had been hired by the Indiana State Police the previous July . He had to go away to for sixteen weeks to the Police Academy . He came home to spend the weekends . When he went away to the Academy I was four months pregnant with our third child . I had 3 1 / 2 year old daughter , and a 1 1 / 2 year old son . It was a long sixteen weeks without him at home during the week . We enjoyed the weekends . I would pick him up on Friday evenings and take him back on Sunday evenings , so I could keep the one car we had . The drive was about an hour and a half each way . When he graduated from the Academy , he was sent to a State Police Post about an hour from us . Now we knew where we would be living so we could get our house put up for sale and begin looking for a new house . Selling and purchasing a house takes a little while , so he continued to live away from us . He was working swing shifts with six days on and two off . At least now he had transportation to and from home . He was living at the state police post during his work week and coming home on the two days off . In the middle of December , I was at home with the kids when I went into labor . I got in my car and drove with them to my husband 's mother house , about a half hour away . I called the State Police Post and left a message for him . I told them I needed to contact him because I was getting ready to have the baby . He made it in time for the delivery . He was home for a day or two and then went back . My mom came to stay with me for about a week to help out . Well we got our house sold quickly , and we had forty - five days to move out . Luckily , we found our house couple of weeks later , they were willing to let us in on the day we had to move out of our old house . Now that brings us to February 15 , 1977 . That morning a moving van pulled up to our old house . The men came in and loaded our possessions into the van . We go into our car , loaded up our children , our youngest was two months old by then , and started out for our new home . Before we got to the house , we stopped at a fried chicken place and got a family meal and drinks . We drove the rest of the way to our new house . Inside the new house was completely empty , the moving van wouldn 't be there for a while . We had a blanket in the car . We spread the blanket out on the floor and set out our picnic meal . We put on young son down on the blanket . Our little family had our first meal in our new home . We were all back to living in the same house as a complete family again . Three years later my husband died in a line of duty accident . That 's a story for a different day . |
The purpose of my blog is to record my family history and genealogy on my mother 's side of the family . The surnames include Hoover , Pickett ( Piggott ) , Eccles , Huddleston , Manis ( Maness ) , Gipson , ( Gibson ) Gifford , Lawson , Fish , and and other in my family tree . I will continue my genealogy research as I try to help others with their genealogy . I don 't guarantee that all my genealogical conclusions are correct , they are a work in progress . If I can get something written today I will make it through the challenge with a total completion of at least 250 words for all 28 days . Some days have been very difficult . Today I have just been putting off and my mind just can 't seem to think of anything to write about . I am going to complete the challenge so I thought if I just start writing maybe something will just appear on this page . Okay , here goes , let see what magic this computer can make happen . When did you meet your grandpa ? The only time I ever remember seeing mine I was about eleven or twelve years old . I don 't remember the date or exactly how old I was . In my mind I can see the day he came to our house . I know he died when I was 12 1 / 2 and it probably was not too many years before he died . He only lived about 30 miles from us , and maybe I had seen him before when I was younger . I really don 't know . If my mom was still around I would ask her . And I would ask her why he didn 't come to see us . I think I know what her answer would be . My grandfather married another woman after my mom 's mother died . Mom 's mother died when she was fifteen . I was told their stepmother was very mean to my mom and her sisters . They all got out of the house as quickly as possible . My oldest sister remembers visiting with Grandpa when she was young , so they did spend time together after my mom was an adult . The day that Grandpa came to visit , my little sister and I were at home . We were really excited . And you know how kids are when they get excited . We were pretty much bouncing off the walls . Grandpa and his wife Mabel came in and Grandpa talked to Mom . She was so happy to see him . She was almost glowing with happiness . I think that made my sister and I more nuts . Dad and Mom where probably getting a little upset with us . We were usually well behaved when someone came to visit . I remember that day we were running around and singing some silly little thing that we had made up . We sang something about " we have the piarrhea " something like diarrhea , but with a p in it . I have no idea why we were singing it . We were just being silly . I don 't know if something had been said before they got there that made us think of something so silly . I was usually quiet , not my little sister though . Well the one thing I remember is Mable saying with a disgusted look on her face , " Do they really have something wrong with them ? " My mom said , " No , they don 't " Grandpa really tried to be friendly with us , but we just didn 't know him . I think he waited too late for us . I know Mom really enjoyed seeing him that day . It wasn 't long after that he died . My mom told me we were going to his funeral . I told her that I didn 't want to go to a funeral , I couldn 't miss school that day . She didn 't make me go , I really didn 't know him . I was in eighth grade when he died . I remember being in school the day of his funeral , I was in my favorite class , an English class with a teacher I loved . She asked me what was wrong , I wasn 't my usual happy self . I told her that my grandpa had died . I didn 't know him . I think I was sad because I would never get to know him . All my other grandparents had died before I was born . This was the only chance for a grandparent I had and he was gone . This is my Grandfather , the one waving , with his children . My mom is in the back row . My aunt from Colorado is missing . I 'm not sure what year this was taken . The cars in the background might give an indication of the time frame . I am using Those Places Thursday to highlight battlefields where my ancestors fought . My great - grandfather Isaac G Manis fought at the Battle of Stone 's River . The Battle of Stone 's River began on the last day of 1862 and went into a few days of 1863 . It was one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War . My great grandfather fought in the 36th Indiana Regiment Company A . Posted by This is day 27 . Tomorrow will be the last day in the writing challenge . I have made it everyday for 27 days . I think I 've got this ! ! We had a 78th birthday party for my mom , two months and 2 days before she died . I think we all knew that my mom was not going to be around much longer . My sister decided that it was time for a big birthday party event . She rented a building and invited the whole family and lots of mom 's friends . My sister is the family organizer , she took care of almost everything . Mom and I always celebrated our birthdays together . My birthday was the day after Mom 's . My oldest sister 's was a week later . That time of year had always been special , because it was a time to share our birthday celebrations . This year it was really all Mom 's celebration . There were lots of gifts , I think we were all hoping that she would be able to enjoy them . She was living in the nursing home at the time . Her health was starting to get bad so she needed someone to care for her . I know one of the things I got for her was a book shelf for her room . She put her pictures and collectibles that she still had on it . When she died I brought the shelf home to keep to feel closer to Mom . It had held her treasure 's at the end of her life . We had such a nice day that day . There were so many of the little children running around the room and enjoying their time together . Our large family gatherings had dwindled over the years , especially after Mom had moved out of her house . There didn 't seem to be a central gathering place anymore . Mom got tired very quickly that day . Her body was starting to give out . She was there for us that day , not for herself . She was giving us a last birthday to remember . It was a few years before I could really enjoy my birthday . It always felt so lonely after Mom was gone . I had always celebrated with her ! The Family History Writing Challenge - Frank Hoover Day 26 , Yeah ! ! ! 2 more days ! ! I am ready to finish my commitment I will still write something everyday , but I won 't feel like I 'm under pressure to do it . Although , maybe I need that . I guess I will see after the challenge is over . I had only been blogging a short time when I started this . I have written about Frank Hoover before , but he is my biggest challenge . I don 't really know where he grew up and I am not sure who his parents were . He married my great grandmother Lulu Pickett and they had three children , one of which is my grandfather . My great grandmother was from a Quaker family and remained in the religion and her second husband was a Quaker . I believe Frank was probably from a Quaker family . I believe Frank had three marriages , the first two being very short . I have not yet been able to document it , but I have evidence leading to the fact that the first two wives died . I have been told that he had a son by one of the wives who was named John . Again I have no evidence of that , just a cousin that said she knew of him . I searched for his death certificate and was lucky enough to find it very quickly . The problem with that was there was very little information recorded on it . He died from meningitis . The death certificate had date of death , where he died , and the cause of death . Nothing else . Whoever was filing in the record book did not record parents names , dates of birth , or any of the other entry areas on the page for anyone . Great ! Next , I went to the cemetery where most of the family is buried , not really expecting to find anything . This is a predominantly Quaker cemetery . Well his grave was there , right beside Lulu 's mother 's grave . They died within three years of each other . Lulu is buried a little further over in the cemetery with her second husband . I guess I will continue to search for Frank Hoover , my great grandfather . I hope to someday figure out who he belongs with and find out who my great - grandparents were . The town of Richmond was made up in large part by Quakers . There were many families with the last name Hoover . I haven 't found any with the names listed in the marriage records of Frank . Any suggestions ? The Family History Writing Challenge Day 25 . Effie May Manis was the sister of my Great Grandfather , Lester Manis . Effie May was born in New Castle , in Henry County , Indiana to Lucinda Zornes and Isaac Manis . She was born in September of 1879 . Her parents were divorced when she was young . Effie May 's mom married again in 1888 . They had moved from Henry County to Richmond in Wayne County . Effie May married her sister - in - laws cousin , Frank Gibson , on March 1 , 1892 . They lived in Richmond . They began have children right away . They ended up with one daughter and five sons . In 1910 Frank was working in a hat factory in Wabash County , and Effie May was home taking care of the children . By 1920 , Effie May and Frank had moved to Niagara Falls , New York . Frank was working in a hat factory . I wish I knew what took them to live in Niagara Falls . Their son , Lemoine , was living next door to them . They didn 't stay in Niagara Falls very long because they were back in Richmond when the 1930 Census was taken . Frank died in January 1933 , and Effie May soon followed . She died on November 20 , 1933 . She was 5 I have always believed that , Isaac Manis , her father , had left when the children were young . If that is the case , Effie May must have spent time with him . She named one her sons Isaac . She is also buried in the same cemetery in Preble County , Ohio that her father is buried in . Posted by My cousin Tommy died when I was a Freshman in High School . I have been to the Vietnam Wall a few times to see his name and make etchings . The Wall is such a solemn place . Posted by Day 24 in The Family History Writing Challenge . Wow , I 'm almost there . I made a commitment to write a story every day for the month of February . If I can get this one , I will only have four more to go . Tonight I am going to write about the most stubborn women I ever met . Have you ever met someone who was just so stubborn that you just knew when you came up against them you could never win ? Well I have ! I grew up in a house with someone like that . She was stubborn to her very core . I believe that is what allowed her to survive things that came her way . My mother , Shirley Plummer , was that woman . Life was sometimes cruel to her , but she stood through it all . Her mother died before she turned 16 . She then was faced with a stepmother who wasn 't happy to deal with her husband 's daughters . My mother left home soon after her stepmother moved in . She went to live with a sister for a while and then had to make her own way . Throughout her life she was faced with many of life tribulations . She had a daughter die at 10 months old , a son die at the age of 35 , and a granddaughter die at the age of 4 months . If that wasn 't enough she had her oldest daughter 's husband die leaving grandchildren aged 1 , 2 , and 3 without their father . Then her next to youngest daughter 's husband was a police office who died in the line of duty , leaving children 2 , 4 , and 6 without a father . Finally , her youngest daughter 's husband committed suicide and left children 3 and 5 years old to be raised by their mother . This story had a lot of tragedy , but if you had known Shirley Plummer you wouldn 't believe she had seen so much sadness in her life . Her determination allowed her to move on and enjoy life . She raised 8 children to adulthood and had so many children and grandchildren that she loved and would do anything for . The picture that is attached shows her with her foot propped up on a stool as she was washing dishes . My sister wanted to do the dishes and she refused the help . She wasn 't going to allow anything to get the better of her . She never did . Her son - in laws all say the when any of her daughters get angry they see the " Shirley Plummer " coming out . They know that 's when they might as well give up because they can 't win . My mother is gone but she left a wonderful legacy behind . This is day 23 of The Family History Writing Challenge . I think my mind is a little fried . I haven 't been able to think of any interesting way to tell another story . I know there are many , many stories left to tell . Why am I having such a hard time trying to figure out where to start ? So tonight I am going to write an old story that goes back a few generations . I will be writing about my first cousin 4X removed . John Huddleson was born December 10 , 1807 , in Guilford County , North Carolina to Jonathon and Phoebe Gardner Huddleston . When John was young his Quaker parents were unhappy with slavery in the south . They decided to leave North Carolina and come to Indiana . They arrived in Union County , Indiana in the fall of 1815 . His father ran a pioneer store southeast of Liberty , Indiana , and was said to have kept a station of the Underground Railroad . In 1821 , John and his family moved to the area of Dublin and Cambridge City , in Wayne County , Indiana . The lived on property on the south side of National Road . John married Susannah Moyer on March 4 , 1830 in Union County , Indiana . John 's father deeded some property to John and he started building his home . John made the bricks on the farm to build his house . He built a magnificent three story house that would be used for a stop along the National Highway for travelers to stay and get meals . People came for miles to see this house as John was building it . Once the house was completed it became a place for pioneers who were heading west to find food and shelter . Men driving hogs and cattle that were to be shipped by the Whitewater Canal to Cincinnati would stop for the night . The home was known as the Huddleston Inn or the Huddleston House . It is a historic landmark today . Many travelers went down the old National Road . The road had low swampy areas and travelers were often stuck . John would bring out his horses and pull them out . One of the travelers that he pulled out was President Martin Van Buren . The president asked him if he knew who he was helping and John told him it didn 't matter , he would help anyone out . John operated his inn for many years . He died at the age of 72 , on August 29 , 1877 , after being kicked by a horse . His wife continued to live in the home until her death many years later . Her son , Henry , purchased the farm . The inn was in family hands until it was sold in 1933 . My son and I made a trip down to see the Huddleston Inn last summer . The inn is only open on Fridays now , so we were unable to go in . We did get to walk around the property and spend time at the graveyard . John , his father and mother , and many other Huddleston family members are buried there . When I started blogging I did it because I thought it would be a good way to make our family history more accessible to family members . I hoped it would attract cousins who might be able to help put together more family information . I believe both those things have worked . I know some family members have really enjoyed reading the blog . They have thanked me . I have also met a distant cousin who has researched for over 43 years and he has sent me some information and is getting together lots more . There has been an added bonus . When I am writing the stories I start to the more about the person I 'm writing about . They are no longer details on a piece of paper . I begin to think more about ways to follow up on my research and I am finding lots of new information . Some of my ancestors I haven 't done research on for quite a while . In that time I have come across new resources and with the constantly updated digital files there is more available . I did a post on my dad 's family blog today . When I started writing the post I really felt like I didn 't know much at all about my great uncle . When I was finished I felt like I knew him personally . I am anxious to get started on some of his siblings now ! The Family History Writing Challenge Day 22 . Tonight 's story is one I really wish I had more details on and hope to find out more in the future . It is a controversial topic , but it is in the family history . I don 't understand what people were thinking or going through in those years , so I can 't have a true understanding of how they could have been involved in an organization like this . Since this was such a secret society I may never be able to document this story . My dad had three older half - sisters , their mother died when they were young . They were Dollie , Margaret , and Virginia ( Vergie ) . They all were born in Kentucky before the turn of the century . Dollie was born in 1886 , Margaret in 1891 , and Vergie in 1894 . My cousin had told me at one time she had a picture of Dollie , but that she had burned it . I had no idea what would make her burn a picture of her dad 's half - sister . Recently she told me why she burned it . The picture was of a woman in her casket . That 's not so unusual , it 's what the woman had in her casket that upset my cousin . She was wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and had other Klan items in her casket . I 'm not sure how she knew , but she said the women had something in the casket that indicated that she was an Imperial Leader . I have also made contact with an extended cousin , Margaret 's granddaughter . As we were talking she said that she remembers a picture of her grandmother in her casket and that she had KKK things in her casket . She believes her mother destroyed the picture after her father died . She was young the last time she saw the picture and wasn 't really sure of the details . Now , my question is , were both women involved or was there a mis - identification of one of the pictures . I don 't know if that is something we will ever be able to figure out . I have another cousin that says that the original picture that my cousin burned had been copied and she believes a copy still exists . I am still hoping to find the copy . I also found more information on the WKKK that I didn 't know about before . They were involved with giving lots of money to charitable organizations . The major areas of work for the WKKK was for Americanism , education , public amusements , legislation , child welfare and delinquency , civics , law enforcement , disarmament , peace , and politics . Nationwide as many as a half - million women were in the Klan . There duty was to uphold " the sanctity of the home , and the chastity of womenhood . " Margaret died in 1927 , at the age of 36 , and Dollie died in 1930 , at the age of 44 . When looking back through family history you never know what you will find , there will be things that you are proud of and things that are harder to understand . I hope we can find the picture , it is a part of our ancestry , even if we don 't approve of it . I don 't have any pictures of any of the women , I wish I did . I believe Margaret 's granddaughter has pictures and I hope to meet her someday , maybe she will share . I have talked to her on the phone . My great great grandmother Lucinda was the mother of Lester " Pop " Manis . Lucinda was born in Mar 1849 . I believe that her parents are John and Elizabeth ( Allender ) Zornes . The spelling may have been Zorns . I have no real proof of who her parents are . I also believe that Lucinda was born in Rush County , Indiana . I have found census records that show a Lucinda with a John and Elizabeth . Rush County is next to Henry County were Lucinda later lived . My first record of Lucinda is when she married Isaac Manis , my great great grandfather , recently returned from the Civil War . They were married on 27th day of September , 1867 . They were together on the 1870 Census and again on the 1880 Census . By 1880 , they had Marietta , Nancy , Lilly , Lester , ( My Great Grandfather ) Effie May , and Georgie . She and Isaac divorced sometime in the 1880 's . On the 1900 Census , Lucinda is a widow , the head of household , and her daughter , Effie May , and her family are living with her . In 1910 , she is living with her daughter , Nancy Murphy , and her family . In a 1912 , City Directory , shows Lucinda as a boarder in Richmond . Lucinda died on June 27 , 1917 from heart disease . She was 72 years old . This is day 21 in The Family History Writing Challenge . I have been thinking about writing this story all month . It is the hardest story I have to write . I don 't know if I will be able to do it justice . Sometimes you can be too close to a story to tell it very well . I guess we 'll see . This is my story . On July 2 , 1979 , I was at home with my children . My husband , Roy , was at work . He was a trooper with the Indiana State Police . He had now been working with them for three years . We moved to the area about 2 1 / 2 years ago . We had made friends in our town and lots of friends on the department . The Indiana State Police was a huge family in those years . My husband had just gotten back from a two - week camp for Officer 's Training with the Army National Guard . He was now a Second Lieutenant . He had returned a few days before and still had a couple of days off . We decided it would be a great time to redo our daughter 's bedroom . We took the furniture out of the room and removed the carpet , new carpet was going to be installed the next day . We got the room painted and everything was ready for the carpet delivery . Our daughter 's bed was put in her brother 's room where she was going to spend the night . The State Police worked a six day on , two day off swing shift in those days . Roy was working an evening shift that evening . He left before dark to start his shift . He shift would be over at midnight . It was summer so the kids and I played outside . Around dark the kids came inside and and started getting settled for the evening . Roy called and said , " I 'll be by to get some dinner in a little while . " He normally came home for dinner on the evening shifts . Some times he got to eat before he was called back out , other times he didn 't . This was a good evening , things must have been quiet on the roads . He ate bacon sandwiches and sat down and watched " Black Sheep Squadron " with Robert Conrad . It was his favorite show at the time . Since it was summer I 'm sure it was a rerun . Before he headed back out we went outside and lit sparklers with the kids . He kissed all the kids goodnight and headed out the door . I hollered at him , " Hey , where 's my kiss ? " He leaned back and gave me a quick peck . I said , " You call that a kiss ? He laughed and said , " You 'll get yours later ! " I stood on the porch and watched him drive away . I got the kids to beThey came in and I broke down for a few minutes . Then they started asking me questions . Who do we notify ? Can you give us addresses and phone numbers . All I could think of was " they need to tell his mother " . They told me they would send a trooper to his mother 's house and to my mother 's house . I said , " Okay . " They called and made the arrangements for the troopers to make notification . They went across the street and got my neighbors . A women who was like a grandmother to my children , Wilma and a friend , Vickie . They came over to sit with me . All at once a thought went through my mind , " she 's going to be alone when they tell her . " I immediately got up and went to the phone and called my sister - in - law . The phone woke her , she answered with an apprehensive sound in her voice . I said , " Sondra , R . E . died tonight , they are going to tell your mom . She needs someone there with her right away . " Her husband was asking what was going on . She told him , " R . E . 's dead . " He told her to hang up , it was just a prank . She said , " No , it 's Betty ! " I don 't remember what was said after that , I 'm sure she called her brother and they got to her mom as quickly as they could . Before long , my house started filling up . My mother and my sisters showed up . Roy 's mother and his brother and sister showed up . There were just people coming from everywhere . Unbelievably my children slept through it all . As morning got there , I knew I was going to have to tell the children . I didn 't want them to come out into the crowded house and not know what was going on . I decided to go into the children 's bedroom by myself . My daughter was 6 years old , my son 's were four and two . I went in and sat down with the older two and put the little one on my lap . I told them that something bad had happened to Daddy and he was dead now . He wouldn 't be coming home anymore . The four year old just looked at me , but my daughter was extremely upset . She said , " No , I hate you for telling me that ! " The little one didn 't understand he just knew it was bad . The only other things I can remember was going in that day to pick out a casket to put my husband in . I had never been to pick out a casket before . When my dad and brother died my mother did it and probably took along some of my older siblings . My husband , Roy E . Jones , died in the line - of - duty on July 3 , 1979 , just a few minutes after midnight . He had been about 2 minutes from home when he got a call that another small town had a drunk driving running from him and he was heading in my husband 's direction . He turned around and went back to assist the Town Marshall . He had spent his life serving . He had been a Green Beret in the Viet Nam War , on a Special Forces Reconnaissance Team . He served with the 101st Airborne Division . He came home form the the war with many medals , including the Bronze Star . He died at the age of 31 . This is day 20 of The Family History Writing Challenge and today 's story is about my 1st cousin 4X removed . He grew up in Frankon , Indiana , to a good family . This was my great great great grandfather 's brother 's son . This story made the New York Times . My cousin , Perry Manis , was one of fifteen children . What was different about Perry ? The other children were all just normal , law abiding people . What happened to Perry ? Perry had been a preacher of the gospel . Perry had never really committed any crime . He had been married and was the father of two children . He liked to visit prostitutes . On September 7 , 1883 , Susan Nelson , told people that she was going to Kansas City , Missouri , where her son was ill and she would not be returning to Anderson . She withdrew funds from the bank , and hired a man to take her trunk to the train depot . She got on the evening train heading west . In the month of October , a man was hunting in the woods southwest of Terre Haute . His dog was running ahead , and came back carrying something in his mouth . On further inspection , that man saw that it was a skull . He looked around the area and found more human bones . He was uncertain , but he thought someone had been murdered . He came back to the area the next morning with some friends to continue searching . They found pieces of a woman 's clothing , and then , the remainder of her body . They went to find the coroner . The coroner found she had no identification and she had $ . 83 in her pocket . Her skull had been crushed by a heavy blow and there were signs of a struggle . The coroner determined that the body had been there for about four or five weeks . He had no idea who she might be , but he was certain she had been murdered . The people in the area keep searching , someone needed to find out who this woman was . Finally , something was found . There was an insurance policy , torn in two , laying in some tall grass . It was readable . It was made out to Mrs . Susan Nelson of Anderson , Indiana . It was a policy for her household goods . Now , they had an idea who the body might be . They began investigating . An investigator went to Anderson . In Anderson , they soon found out that the body was definitely Susan Nelson . In searching they home they came across some information . There was a letter from her son postmarked from Brazil , Indiana , near Terre Haute . Her son had been in some issues in the past . They thought they had found their murderer . They found him in Missouri and found that he had a reliable alibi . They murderer was still at large . Soon after Perry Manis was locked up in Anderson for associating with prostitutes . During his jail time , something he said or did brought him under suspicion of murder . Officials began checking into what he had been doing at the time Susan Nelson went missing . He had left town about the same time as Mrs . Nelson and had returned about four or five weeks later . He left without a trunk and returned with a trunk and a large sum of money . A young man came forward with testimony that he had overheard Perry and Mrs . Nelson talk about going to Kansas City and opening a boarding hotel . Investigation in the Terre Haute area , found someone who had seen Perry and Mrs . Nelson at a boarding house . He had hired a horse and buggy and the two of them left together . Perry returned later by himself . Perry was arrested and taken to Noblesville to be put in jail . At Noblesville he tried to escape , but was re - captured and taken to Terre Haute for a murder trial . Perry later admitted to the crime , but said he had accomplices who were never named . Mrs . Nelson was the sister of Frederick and Michael Bronnenberg , who had lived in Madison County all their lives . What happened , did he just want the money Mrs Nelson carried or was there more to the story ? Perry died in prison a couple of years later . Printed in The New York Times , January 10 , 1884 . Wishful Wednesday is a new prompt from GeneaBloggers . You are supposed to write about someone you wish you could have met or a day or event in the life of an ancestor that you wish you could have been a part of . I wish I could have met my mom 's mother , my grandmother Ethel . Ethel was a beautiful woman and she died way too young . She fell over one day and died soon after . She had an brain aneurysm . She would have 39 in three weeks had she lived . She left 4 daughters at home , and her oldest son and daughter were married . She had some wonderful daughters , so she must have been a great mother . They were all wonderful mothers . I imagine her being like my mother and my aunts . I think I would have loved her very much . This is my mom 's Grandma and Step - Grandpa . The grandchildren all called her " Little Grandma " . I know she was a very small woman . " Arty " as he was called had to be under 5 foot . This is day 19 of The Family History Writing Challenge . I decided to write about a cousin today . The story of his death and other events of the day are quite unusual . My great grandfather 's sister married my great grandmother 's cousin , and Lemoine Wesley Gibson is their son . Lemoine was my first cousin two times removed , and with the other relationship he is probably also a distant cousin again . August 1947 , in Richmond , Indiana , had turned into a scorcher . There had not been a break from the heat all month and here is was all ready the 25th . Lemoine had been running his farm near Kitchel Station and dealing with the heat . He also traveled around to other farms in the area and did custom baling . He got up early that morning and told Mary he was heading over to the Wuenker farm . He spent the morning baling and he was trying to get some finished when the clouds started to look ominous . He wanted to get the section done that he was working on before the rain hit . He saw lightning off in the distance and it started to cool down quickly . Just a few more minutes and he could head in to the farmhouse and take shelter from the storm . It was time to grab a little lunch anyway . At 12 : 10 pm a bolt of lightning struck . It was a huge bolt and it hit Lamoine hard . The force of that bolt ripped the shoes right from his feet . It stopped Lamoine 's watch . It killed the horses that were standing near him . When the storm had passed over and Lamoine had failed to come to the house to get out of the storm , John Wuenker began to worry . A couple of hours later , Mary was at home and she saw a storm coming in . This was the same storm that had struck Lamoine . Mary didn 't know about Lamoine yet . The lightning in this storm was still monstrous . It was cracking all around . The next thing Mary knew the house was struck . Thank goodness , it hadn 't caught the house on fire . She realized later it had taken out some wiring in the oil furnace . The coroner came in the late afternoon with the Wuenker 's to inform Mary that Lamoine was stuck by lightning and had died . Lamoine was laid out for his funeral at his farmhouse two days later . One of his young nieces remembered going to attend his funeral . She was more concerned about the " poor " horses dying than her Uncle Lamoine . Lamoine was taken to his final resting place at Earlham Cemetery in Richmond . Posted by Lester Parker Manis was my great grandfather . He was the father of Ethel Manis , my mom 's mother . My mom called him " Pop " . He served in World War I . For more information click on his name , it will take you to a previous post about his life . This is the burial card from Earlham Cemetery in Richmond , Indiana . They have cards for all of their graves . It lists his cause of death as Carcinoma of Pyloris . We watched the Crater Scene and the entire movie . It is an excellent movie if you haven 't seen it . After watching the movie and thinking about what our country and people went through it is amazing that we came back together as a country . We as a country have been so lucky that all the people in our generation have never had to deal with fighting in our own homeland . Posted by This is my contribution to The Family History Writing Challenge for Day 18 . I am writing this from information I took from a letter written by Jeannette Eccles Irwin . At a later date , I will post the letter and the translation . Jennie was my 2nd great grand aunt . Her mother was Rachel Huddleston Eccles and her father was John P Eccles . Jennie was born in Ohio on May 25 , 1832 . It hadn 't been to many years after her father had left her mother in North Carolina . He took off and left the family alone . Jennie 's uncle made the trip back from Ohio to bring her family from North Carolina to Ohio . Jennie 's was born either in North Carolina or her father returned for a while and she was born in Ohio . Shortly before or after Jennie was born her father and one of her brothers left and the family never saw them again . They went south to Alabama or Mississippi where some of her father 's family was located . Jennie and her mother moved in with her sister , Lydia Stubbs . In a few years Jennie met and married William Irvin . Jennie 's husband may have been crippled . Around 1869 , Jennie had a son , she named him William after his father . In 1880 , their son William is no longer living with them . Jennie must have had some disappointments in her life . In December 1884 , she was living in Boone County , Indiana with her sister , Lydia Stubbs . Jennie 's mother had died in 1863 . She was very sad and melancholy during this time . She was helping her sister out at the time . She felt like she was old and had nothing to offer anyone . Jenny was concerned about not having any money to purchase gifts for anyone and what she was going to do after Lydia died . She felt like she was being left out of things . Lydia died in 1889 . Jenny moved to Richmond , Indiana and was living there in 1900 . She was living with two boarders in her house . When she died in January 28 , 1907 her body was sent to Middletown , Ohio for burial . Posted by Last summer , my son and I decided to photograph graves . When deciding how we were going to document them I decided to look at some of the sites available . We knew we were going to put them on Find A Grave . In looking around though I found an app for BillionGraves . com . If you haven 't checked out Billion Graves you should . We took all our pictures with our iPhones . The great thing about this is with the Billion Graves app it would GPS every grave . When we completed our photos each day we could just push download and they were all downloaded into their database within minutes . We loaded over 4500 pictures into their database last summer . As far as transcribing them , I could go into their site later and transcribe . Another really exciting thing about their site is that other people can transcribe for you . If you just have time to take pictures , someone will transcribe them from the pictures you have downloaded . This is a place that allows you to get more graves on line very quickly . They are now associated with FamilySearch . I love the Find A Grave site but it is way more time consuming . We did put all our photos onto Find A Grave too . On FAG I have taken the time to built memorials . In our local cemetery I have searched for obituaries and cemetery records to put as much information on as I can . The Billion Graves site gives people the opportunity to look for graves that aren 't on Find A Grave , and they are increasing their database rapidly . I am sure as the site grows more memorials will be built there too . They offered an incentive for submitting graves . They give you a bonus for so many graves submitted . They will email me anytime a surname is downloaded . I can ask for it to be in a specific area or just any time the name is added . I have 4 or 5 ongoing surname searches ongoing . I am waiting for a great find ! So far lots of emails , no great finds . I keep hoping someone will walk into a cemetery full of my ancestors and I will receive a email . If you become one of their paid members there are extra services available . Another great thing is the option to use GPS . I believe you must be a paid member , but you can walk into a cemetery and using your smartphone allow the GPS to guide you right to a grave . I think all their services come for $ 9 . 99 a year , so it is very reasonable . The new LegacyTec is also associated with Billion Graves . They are adding a new app that will allow you to take a picture of the grave and it will pull up the information they have associated with that grave . The more they build their database the better that service will be . It would be extremely exciting to be walking through a cemetery and see a grave with your surname and be able to take a picture of it and find out about the person . It 's amazing how all the new technology is opening up the past for us . At the rate things are going in a few years everyone could know their family history without a lifetime of searching . I am sure that all of the true genealogists would still be able to find things to search for . It 's part of the fun ! Here is my story for The Family History Writing Challenge for day 17 . This weekend has been a difficult time for writing , so much going on . Maybe next week I will get back in the groove . My eighteen year old son and I spent a lot of time this summer photographing graves . We put 4 , 531 grave photos on Billion Graves and we put 3 , 357 grave photos and 2 , 520 memorials on Find A Grave . It was work , but we enjoyed it so much , even in the upper 90 degree temperatures . We felt like we were giving back . I found a memorial for my Uncle John on Find A Grave . It was a military grave located in Oregon . It didn 't have a photo on the memorial . I put in a request for a photo on the site and by that evening I had the photo of his grave . I probably would never have made it there to get the picture myself . We knew there were people in other parts of the country looking for graves located in Indiana . This was our opportunity to help . A few months later , I noticed a message on my Find A Grave account . I had a person thanking me for taking the photos , and making the great memorial . Well , this memorial happened to be a memorial for my mother 's Aunt Luella . I had put a few pictures of her there , in addition to the grave photo . I was very curious then , who was this person thanking me for putting my great aunt 's memorial up ? I sent back a message asking if she was related to Luella , and if so what was her connection . She told me that Luella 's second husband was her grandfather 's brother . Well , that connection was not that great , but her next statement was , I have Luella 's son 's phone number if you would like to contact him . Luella 's youngest son was still living ! I had information on him in my tree . I knew he was about 85 , but I didn 't know he was still living . She said she would contact him and see if it was okay to pass on his phone number . The next day she gave me his phone number . I called my mom 's cousin , Paul . When I started talking to him and told him my mother was his cousin . I said I was Shirley Hoover 's daughter . He immediately came back with my mother 's married name , and said you mean Shirley Plummer . He knew my mother ! She was older , but they lived next door to each other at one time . He knew my grandfather , my great grandmother , and many members of my family on a personal basis . He then asked if I had talked to his nephew who was 82 years old . He said Jim would have many things to talk about to and gave me his number . Jim 's mother had died with tuberculosis when he was eight months old , he was raised by my mother 's Posted by I started this blog in December . During the last few weeks I have gotten several comments from a niece who is in her twenties . I have also gotten comments from my daughter who I nearing forty . They have both enjoyed reading the stories about the family . My niece is one of my younger nieces who I haven 't really gotten to spend much time with over the years . After my mother died the family has not been as close as when she was there to pull everyone together and my niece has felt the loss of family . She only remembered my mother as an older woman in the hospital . The blog has given me a new connection to my niece and I hope it continues it grow . We have communicated more in the last few weeks than in last few years . My niece has talked about starting a blog now and recording the family stories she has for her children . She wants to do it while the memories are fresh . I hope she chooses to go ahead with it . I know while she has young children it is difficult to find time to do things . I wish I had started writing things down a long time ago instead of waiting until I was older . A few of my mother 's grandchildren , around 30 years ago . The Family History Writing Challenge is a great thing , but today I must have writer 's block . The story lines I had planned all seem wrong . Yesterday , my story just came so easy . Today , I hope I have a story . I think I am tired so my brain is just not up for writing today . I guess I 'll just take a stab at it and see where it goes . My mom , Shirley Plummer , did lots of work over the years to help out with the family finances . In a previous post , I talked about her doing other people 's laundry . She also drove a taxi for a while . She would do any job to help her family . She was the church bus driver for a few years , so when she got the opportunity to drive a bus for the senior citizens transportation service , she grabbed the opportunity . Driving the bus to take the elderly to the Senior Citizens Center , their doctor 's appointments , to the grocery store , and wherever they needed to go was a job , but it became a labor of love . They didn 't pay much to ride the bus , it was more of a service that was offered by the community center . Mom drove that bus for several years . She had developed a friendship with all the elderly people that rode her little mini - bus . She talked with each of them and found out about their lives . Many of the people were very lonely . They were happy to have someone who cared what they did each day . She would help them to load and unload their groceries . Over those years she knew most of the elderly people in town . My mom worked on the bus up until she couldn 't work anymore . Over those years she made contact with many people in town and made lots of friends . Mrs . Plummer , as she was known to her passengers , was finished driving the elderly of Connersville , Indiana . I am still in The Family History Writing Challenge . This is day 15 , I do think this is a great idea . I hope I can continue to work at this after the month is over . I keep thinking I will run out of stories , but then something just pops into my mind . I will talk to a family member , and something will just click . Today , I saw the date and it brought a story to mind . I was going to write about something else , but this story fits today . On February 15 , 1977 my family and I moved into the house I still live in . This house has seen lots of life over the last 36 years . If these walls could talk , oh the stories they would tell . My first husband , Roy , and my three oldest children and I lived in Richmond . Roy had been hired by the Indiana State Police the previous July . He had to go away to for sixteen weeks to the Police Academy . He came home to spend the weekends . When he went away to the Academy I was four months pregnant with our third child . I had 3 1 / 2 year old daughter , and a 1 1 / 2 year old son . It was a long sixteen weeks without him at home during the week . We enjoyed the weekends . I would pick him up on Friday evenings and take him back on Sunday evenings , so I could keep the one car we had . The drive was about an hour and a half each way . When he graduated from the Academy , he was sent to a State Police Post about an hour from us . Now we knew where we would be living so we could get our house put up for sale and begin looking for a new house . Selling and purchasing a house takes a little while , so he continued to live away from us . He was working swing shifts with six days on and two off . At least now he had transportation to and from home . He was living at the state police post during his work week and coming home on the two days off . In the middle of December , I was at home with the kids when I went into labor . I got in my car and drove with them to my husband 's mother house , about a half hour away . I called the State Police Post and left a message for him . I told them I needed to contact him because I was getting ready to have the baby . He made it in time for the delivery . He was home for a day or two and then went back . My mom came to stay with me for about a week to help out . Well we got our house sold quickly , and we had forty - five days to move out . Luckily , we found our house couple of weeks later , they were willing to let us in on the day we had to move out of our old house . Now that brings us to February 15 , 1977 . That morning a moving van pulled up to our old house . The men came in and loaded our possessions into the van . We go into our car , loaded up our children , our youngest was two months old by then , and started out for our new home . Before we got to the house , we stopped at a fried chicken place and got a family meal and drinks . We drove the rest of the way to our new house . Inside the new house was completely empty , the moving van wouldn 't be there for a while . We had a blanket in the car . We spread the blanket out on the floor and set out our picnic meal . We put on young son down on the blanket . Our little family had our first meal in our new home . We were all back to living in the same house as a complete family again . Three years later my husband died in a line of duty accident . That 's a story for a different day . |
As the year comes to a close I thought that it would be helpful for my blog , and for the readers , to sort things and give them a chance to read some of the better posts from the past 12 months . So if you want to read up on the past year in blog form , then take a look at the links . ( mouse over each one to click and view . ) That 's about it . These were some of the ones that I tend to like reading over again . Take a look at one our two if you want . Some tell of the importance of family , friends , and being happy and thankful for the things we have . Others will direct that " thanks " to God sending his son to save us . Jesus was born in humbled state , to say the least . We all marvel at how amazing it was to have the creator of the world humble himself in such a way . For me , I am reminded of the familiar Christmas hymn that proclaims that " the soul felt its worth " . Do we know what our souls are worth ? I hope that this season will remind you that you are worth it . You are worth it for him that loves you and sent his son so that you could feel even a fraction of your worth . He did not come to make you worth it , he came simply because , by his love and the way that it grows , you are worth it and he wants you to feel it . Posted by In the spirit of Peter Rollins book , I have decided to write my own " orthodox heresy " parable . Writing this does not mean that I disagree with the original . I am not trying to alter anything , I merely want to share some of the thoughts that the original parable had pointed out to me . Therefore stay alert , because you do not know the day or the hour . For it is like a man going on a journey , who summoned his servants and entrusted his property to them . There were 4 servants in all . To one he gave ten talents , to another five talents , to another two , and to another one , each according to his ability . Then he went on his journey . The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more . In the same way , the one who had two gained two more . But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master 's money in it . Finally , the one who received ten talents went out and invested some in a friend 's business , used some for travelling , and yet more was given to a charity , and the rest he gave to his sick mother . In the end , the investment fell through and he was left with nothing . After a long time , the master of those servants came and settled his accounts with them . The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more , saying , ' Sir , you entrusted me with five talents . See , I have gained five more . ' His master answered , ' Well done , good and faithful servant ! You have been faithful in a few things . I will put you in charge of many things . Enter into the joy of your master . ' The one with the two talents also came and said , ' Sir , you entrusted two talents to me . See , I have gained two more . ' His master answered , ' Well done , good and faithful servant ! You have been faithful with a few things . I will put you in charge of many things . Enter into the joy of your master . ' Then the one who had received the one talent came and said , ' Sir , I knew that you were a hard man , harvesting where you did not sow , and gathering where you did not scatter seed , so I was afraid , and I went and hid your talent in the ground . See , you have what is yours . ' But his master answered , ' Evil and lazy servant ! So you knew that I harvest where I didn 't sow and gather where I didn 't scatter ? Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers , and on my return I would have received my money back with interest ! Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten . For the one who has will be given more , and he will have more than enough . But the one who does not have , even what he has will be taken from him . And throw that worthless servant into the outer darkness , where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth ' Finally , the one who had spent and lost all of the money said , " Sir , I have been faithful to you for all these many years . We all have . Once you gave me this money I decided that it would be a good opportunity to go out and try out a few things for myself . I was able to travel across the country to visit an old friend . It was amazing to see another part of the world ! The beauty of the trees and the splendor of the mountains was almost too much for these old eyes to take in . Yet , since I am getting on in years , I knew that I was running out of time to get a chance to go out and enjoy God 's wonderful creation . Such wonders ! Also , I had heard about an orphanage down the road and the financial troubles they were having . Since you were not around , I took it upon myself to donate some money to their cause . They were very thankful and used the money for new linens a few new beds . I invested some of the money in a friend 's business . I really believe in him , but in the end it did not work out . He lost all of the money , yet I do not blame him for it for I know that he tried his best . To tell you the truth , it was rather exciting to see him working on his little shop ; building the oven , stocking the supplies . His bakery did not last , but I was proud of him for trying and I know that he will try again if another opportunity ever arises . After travelling and giving money to the orphanage and my friend 's business I realized that there was not that much left , so I gave the rest to my sick mother . She can use it to buy a comfortable bed , some nutritious food to enjoy , and a warm blanket to cuddle up in as she lives out the rest of her days in pain from a sickness that cannot be cured . I visit her whenever I can . So , I am sorry sir , but I went out and spent all of the money , some for my own pleasures and some for others . It was a joy to go out and explore , and a great honor to give to others . That being said , I have no way to pay you back , but I can promise you that I am very thankful to you and I will continue to be faithful to The master looked upon his servant , a faithful one for all of these years , and all at once he fell down at his feet and wept . For the master had realized that he had held his love of money above all else ; above his friends , who he no longer spent any time with , above his family , as the servant 's words of his sick mother reminded him of his own family , which has hadn 't seen for many years . He put money above his faithful servants ; servants who sacrificed their own dreams to help him live out his own . ' What have I become ? ' he called out , above the roof tops , to no one in particular . but as usual , she seemed flustered . " Sorry . " She announces with a smile . " Are you okay , teacher ? Is something wrong ? " I ask . questions about homework , they want me to tell them what they should do . Some of them are homesick . Yesterday I needed to take one of them to the to stay late at the school to cover a coworker 's maternity leave . I see the weariness in his eyes . I understand why he doesn 't have any free I 've been back in Canada for about 4 days now . The snow and temperature are quick ways of adapting and telling me that I am somewhere else . The cold and smoke seep through my coat . I try to get out there and just breath it in . Now I am sitting in a coffee shop typing away at a computer , which is surely to be considered a very North American thing to do . Hey , I 'm just trying to ease myself into this culture again . Back off ! Next to me is the door . It 's cold outside , so there 's two of them . Both of them have one of those buttons with the wheelchairs on them . The people who are in wheelchairs , with walkers , canes , or just plain lazy , can push those buttons to enter . A moment ago , two elderly ladies came to the door . They both had their own walkers , and I watched as the first lady struggled to reach out and touch the magic button that allows them to enter . I watched while they did this , tossing around the idea of getting up and actually holding the door for them . Why did I need to get up ? There 's a button there for them . They made their way in , and I returned to typing . If no one 's around , then the button is there for them . Yet , the button is not only there for them when others are not . The button is there so that we can continue to distance ourselves from each other . You don 't look at me , I won 't look at you . You need help ? Well , I didn 't notice , plus there is a button that is supposed to help you , so don 't expect me to do anything anyways . And in this world , this world of people , we have buttons . Buttons for those unable to enter doors to push , so that electricity can help them out , can be a gentleman for them . Here I am , near the door , watching two old ladies struggle to come inside for a coffee , and my instincts are already telling me that to help them is someone else 's job . Lord heal me . A month from today we will be on our way out of Xining . We 've called this place home for almost 7 years , and every time we 've left we 've always come back . This time , we will not be coming back . At least , we have no plans to come back . Today I am organizing 7 years worth of stuff . Stuff sucks . I look through things here that date back to our pre - China days , things like notebooks full of notes , clothes that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago , and iPod mini cases and cords . What do I do with all of this stuff ? More stuff . How about a bunch of CDs ? When we moved here it was pretty normal to have a big case full of CDs , but these days people don 't buy those things anymore . People can still copy them to their computer , of course , but all that leaves us with is a big pile of disks . Not to mention all of the books we have . What do you do with books when the Kindle is all you need ? Or , even further still , what does one do with all of their bookshelves once all of their books are gone ? More stuff . A lot of our stuff is useful . The books and CDs are quality , and can be used . We have some sporting equipment , some tools for fixing things around the apartment . We have some chairs , an iron , and a humidifier . We have useful stuff , stuff that people can use . It 's just amazing how much of it there is . We have over 25 bags and suitcases . Wow ! One month from leaving , and you want to know what I 've been thinking ? You want to know what it 's like ? Well , it 's like walking down the road with an arm full of stuff . And not just material stuff , but also experiences , familiar restaurants and shops , places that remind me of good memories and bad memories , and most importantly , friendships . It 's like walking down the road with all of that " stuff " in my hands and then suddenly just dropping it on the ground and walking away from it . At least , that 's how I feel about it right now . In our living room I have piled up all of our stuff for the sale we are having later this week . For now , it is kind of sad to get rid of it all . Though , I know that later on it will feel good to get the burden that stuff can be off of our backs . The same can 't be said for the friendships we 've made here . That 's the tough thing to let go of . We 'll keep in touch with a few of them , but if I 'm honest , most of the people here we will never see again . The people that we 've had so much in common with . People from far away places that have come here to Xining to try to do some good . In that way , we will always have a bond with the people that live here . And for the local friends , it will be tough to say goodbye to them forever . Yet , that 's the way life goes sometimes . All I can take away from it is the satisfaction of getting to know them for this time and wishing them the best in the future . I told Barbara how I felt about all of our " stuff " , about how it feels like I 'm just dropping it on the ground and walking away . She said that she feels the same way , only that she 's looking for a good place to drop it , so it has a soft landing and will be okay when we are gone . I like it when she talks . Open on BRETT and MILES standing near the kitchen table . Miles is wearing his BATMAN CAPE over his shirt . Brett is wearing his burgundy sweat pants and black guitar shirt . His eyes are puffy as he searches the nearby cabinet for a ripe ORANGE to eat . Jonas , concerned about the horror of not being in character 24 - 7 , decides that his rubber boots are good enough to simulate Kitty Soft Paws ' boots from the movie Puss in Boots . In a week where the weather has been sunny and mild , Jonas has been seen wearing his rubber boots to school every single day . What people passing by will fail to notice , as it is quite impossible to see , if that Jonas is also wearing a black cape under that big , blue winter coat . This cape is identical to the one his brother wore in the above scene . On the weekend , Jonas wanted to wear pants with big enough belt loops to accommodate his toy sword . When he " sheathed " his weapon , he noticed that the loops made the front of his sword droop . He did not like this and demanded from his father that the problem be solved . His father , not knowing were to purchase a pair of magic pants like this , told Jonas that nothing could be done . Screaming , whining , falling down on the ground , spankings , and a time out for the sword quickly followed for the young Kitty Soft Paws fan . Today , I dusted off the ol ' low - tops for a game of basketball down at Min Yuan . It was the first time that I participated in a basketball game at the school in well over a year . I felt like the brisk air would do some good for my sore throat for some reason . I do not know why . The competition was surprisingly good . I whiffed on a few shots , though most of my time was spent setting up my teammates ( just like Gretzky ) . Compared to the other local guys on the other 3 on 3 teams , my team was not very good . They were very good at fakes and traveling and calling fouls on the other team . I would find myself open near the net , calling for the ball , and in the next moment I would be watching a ballet performance towards the net followed by a no - looker right into the other team 's hands . Opportunity lost . Playing basketball with Tibetans ( and my Canadian friend , Arlin ) is a very unique thing . If you 've ever ran the Min Yuan courts then you would know what I 'm talking about . It 's a good time . Fouls abound . Imaginary fouls abound . When someone gets swatted on the wrist , everyone laughs , including the guy being slapped . My throat does not feel any better . I was hoping for sort of a " reverse psychology " with it . You know , heal a sore throat with cold air . It 's been done before , I bet . I shower at night , after the boys are asleep . Barbara showers in the morning , after the boys are up . Jonas asked Barbara the other day , " Mom , why do moms take showers but dads don 't ? " This is an honest question based purely on this boy 's life experience . To him , the world goes to sleep at 8pm . I mean , what interesting thing could possibly happen while Jonas Gitzel is asleep ? Jonas has a small Batman tattoo on his arm that he got from a birthday party . It 's almost rubbed off now so he coloured it in with a few markers . Today , while on the bus , Jonas looked over from his seat to notice an old man looking over at him . Jonas proceeded to roll up his sleeve and show off his cool red and green coloured Batman tattoo to the man . In fact , 2 days ago he did the same thing in the elevator for an old lady . Miles runs everywhere . When we are going to school he runs ahead to predetermined " pitstops " that I have pointed out so that he does not run all the way to school without us . One time , at one of the stops , Miles was breathing very hard , and curiously he asked , ' Dad , why am I breathing like this ? " I told him it was because he just finished running 100 meters . At that moment he realized that , every time he breathes hard like this , it is not that there is something wrong with him , it is that it is a product of running . Ever since then I 've noticed that , when he 's tired , he is much more calm about it . I realized that , for quite some time , he didn 't know why he couldn 't just run forever and it seemed to really bug him . My problem with the NHL lockout is that , while they talk about who gets the money , nobody gets the money . I don 't get it . I read today that there were some more meetings this week between the two sides , yet the conclusion was that they remain far apart and the entire season might be lost . You know what that means ? These guys lose approximately 3 billion dollars by not working something out . Can we mere mortals fathom a billion dollars ? Can we imagine being in meetings discussing 3 billions dollars and how to split it up , then leaving the meeting with our hands raised with a , " Well , let 's talk about this again in the next week or two . " ? These guys should have one of those giant digital counters drilled to the wall in the meeting room . The counter just keeps ticking up and up , minute by minute , the amount of money they are throwing away every single day . How much has it been so far ? One report figure that the league has lost over 200 million dollars already . That clock would just keep ticking up and up . Now , if you have a job and your job is to make a deal with someone , and every week you don 't have a deal in place you lose over 100 million dollars , would you not think that taking a " break from talks " would be more than silly ? To me , this whole thing is psychotic . If , in the end , the owners end up winning and get a bigger chunk of the money , then someone still needs to answer that age - old question : Thanksgiving was declared a national holiday back in 1879 but back then it was celebrated in November , around the same time as our American neighbours . However , they officially changed the date to the 2nd Monday of October in 1957 . I 'm not sure why they changed it , but it 's been that way ever since . Maybe the Canadians were just being polite about it . There are many other stories of thankful Canadians , as many of you know , but I will leave the history lesson at that . Personally , I am a very thankful person . Today , it rained buckets and buckets of rain down on this desert town . The streets were roaring with water , water that sustains life of plants , animals , and people like me . I am thankful that it rained today . I have had a massive stomach ache for the last 2 days . I am thankful for it , in a way , as it reminds me to pray for healing and to remember those who deal with health issues every day of their lives . I am thankful for my family and friends , both here and far away . I am most thankful for Barbara , Miles and Jonas . I have good people . I am thankful that Barbara and I have grown closer over almost 7 years of living in China . I am thankful that Miles and Jonas are growing up strong , smart and funny ( just like their old man ) . 1 . There are approximately 35 kids in the school now , split up into 2 classes . I say " approximately " because there are new recruits trickling in every few days . The capacity would be 42 kids , so there is still a little bit of room for anyone else that shows up . 2 . The playground is open . It was built by the school , and will function as a playground for the kids in the school and the kids that live in the complex . It is the only public playground around . The kids love it . 3 . There are 4 teachers at the school , 2 helpers and Barbara . This month , all of the teachers have been sick at one point or another . Also , one of the teachers is away at meetings in another province . Thus , it has been a busy month for everyone . China has the October holiday next week , so the teachers will get a well deserved break . 4 . Most of the kids seem to be adapting well . The older kids all seem comfortable with their classes , both English and Chinese , and are up to the challenge of learning the languages . The younger kids are a little more shy and sometimes have a hard time leaving their moms and dads for the day , which is understandable because they are 3 years old . Yet , they sing their songs together and play their games together , so they 're slowly getting comfortable , too . Seeing all of the kids together is a great thing to see . I have been working on a video of the whole thing , which I will hopefully have up for viewing by the end of next week . So , look out for that in the near future . It 's cold here in Xining . The lights of Summer have been snuffed out . I wore a toque today . I swear it was 30 degrees Celsius 3 days ago . The heat will not be turned on in our apartment until October 15th . That 's the way it goes , I guess . The water guy just arrived with our delivery . He asks , " Are you American or Korean ? " All I could do was stare at him . Finally , I ask , " You think I look like a Korean ? " He shrugs his shoulders and waits , apparently for me to answer . I say that I 'm Canadian , he ignores my response and asks if he can have an apple . At this point I know that he 's messing with me . He walks out of the door and I say , " Goodbye , my Korean friend . " He turns and tells me he 's not Korean , but Chinese . I shake my head and close the door behind him . I played soccer yesterday . It had been one of my goals this fall to get out there and play that game . It had also been probably around 18 or 19 years since I last played an official soccer game . The Tibetan team had me first and put me in the middle on defence . I marked my man and cleared the ball out of danger 's way a few times . In the end , I don 't think that they trusted me with the ball , so I didn 't really get too much of a chance to kick it . Eventually , one of their other guys showed up and I was " traded " to the Korean team . They put me on the left side on defence . It went pretty well , and I got to kick it around a few times . Overall , I enjoyed it . A lot of running , and it 's surprisingly difficult to get control of the ball and kick it to where you want it to go . I 'll continue to enjoy playing it , but it will be a while before I get used to implementing all of the lingo that goes a long with it . As in , I will not say " the pitch " for at least a while . For you cinephiles , I have done it again ; I am trying to watch 8 1 / 2 again . That famous Fellini film that they told me to watch before my film school . This movie is always on the Top 10 lists of filmmakers and directors , so I 've put a lot of work into giving it a fair shake . This is my 4th viewing . The first 3 times went right over my head and out of the door . For some people I would pretend that I loved the movie , but when it comes down to it , it did not make a lot of sense to me . It is a beautiful movie , but the story did not add up to me . Within my readings of late I have discovered that 8 1 / 2 is an " antiplot " story . These types of films reverse the classical tones of story . So , when watching a movie like this , I need to keep in mind that this film will not flow like most films . The basic theme of it is the internal struggle and contemplation of the protagonist . With that in mind , this 4th viewing has gone well so far . I will watch the final 30 minutes tonight . Some parts that confused me before because they seemed funny and comedic are actually funny to me now that the confusion is gone . It 's actually are really funny movie , I just didn 't know it was supposed to be . Guido , the main character , is also the coolest looking dude in film . Posted by I climbed aboard the bus outside of Min Yuan . The bus rolled ahead a few feet and stopped at the red light . And that 's when I saw him ; standing there on the sidewalk . It was amazing and looking back on it now , it is very difficult for me to put it into the proper words to enable the depth of the humor to shine through . He was a monk , standing there on the side of the road ; waiting for a friend , perhaps . In his hands he had a box of crackers . The crackers were the cheap kind that local people would probably feed to their teething babies . At least , that would probably be a good reason for buying them . This monk had them in his hands . He picked one of them up and proceeded to stuff it into his mouth . Then , he repeated the action two , three , even four times before the first cracker had gone down his throat . To put it another way , he was " going to town " on that box of crackers . By the time the light had turned green he had eaten half of the box . Crumbs were caked on his face . He was in the " cracker zone " , unaware of anything else around him . It was him and that box and nothing else . I was tempted to jump off of the bus to buy him a water . I was sure that he was going to need it . Not sure why this scene was so interesting to me . More than interesting , it was bizarre . I 've heard many stories of monks pushing their physical limits in a number of different areas , including fasting from food . Something in me figured that monks only ate once a day , and only because they had to . Then , today , I have the cookie monster crunching up a storm on the side of the road . I 'm not judging him at all . Heck , when you 're hungry , you 're hungry . For some strange , arbitrary reason , this scene was completely hilarious to me . The man stood up from his stool and stared out blankly at the street in front of him . His mind wandered in and out of itself as the leaves on the trees flickered back and forth between themselves . The wind picked up that time of day and the sun was shining just enough for the leaves to dance their shadows onto the pavement . His daughter shook him from his gaze as she shouted a food order into his ear . He nodded , sat back down on the stool , reached under the glass case , and pulled out 15 metal sticks loaded with lamb meat . He hoisted them over the fire , dusting them with the spice and salt of the region , and life went on . Students walk by the sizzling meat , and through the door for lunch . Noodles cooked fat , thin , long , and in pieces . Everyone orders them differently , but generally , it 's all the same . They live off of flour and water and spice . Over the last few years the noodles have doubled in price , making things difficult for everyone , as they are these days . You could add some meat to them , or a boiled egg if you could afford it . The man on the stool disappears in a sea of the noon - hour rush . Down the steps , towards the street , the crowd thins out . Near the alley stand a row of trees , all painted red and white for whichever reason you might think that they would be . To prevent the bugs from eating them ? To prevent the drunks from crashing into them ? Some sort of hidden message or political statement ? Painting trees is a job for people ? They stand tall in the autumn air . Their leaves will be gone soon , but for a short time anyways , they are proud and beautiful . Below a tree , in it 's well , squat two small children . They are no more than 2 years old , yet young enough to waddle around in their split pants . The boy scrapes at the dirt in the well with a stick . This is his playground . The girl picks up a littered piece of used toilet paper and mimics ( as her mother had taught her ) how to wipe herself in the opening of her pants . When she had finished , and being polite , she offers it to the boy , who repeats the action . Both are very proud that they can wipe themselves with this piece of dirty paper . " So grown up " , they think . On the road , the students continue to flood the area . Groups of girls clunk by on their high heals . Groups of boys pass by the other way with wavy hair and skinny jeans . Their hairless chests poke out of the top of their unbuttoned shirts . They are Justin Beiber . They are Justin Beiber . At the bus stop , The People wait in their blue uniforms for the # 28 so they can go with their heavy tools to the end of the line and beyond ; to the place where they work doing whatever they do that pays them money to buy things to eat . An old lady holds two bags full of vegetables in her hands . The cloth stretches and pinches over her arthritic fingers . She spent 3 hours getting the food for the evening 's dinner , though the market is only a block away . The # 28 is close to arriving , but stops at the red light just before the bus stop . The people cross the street as the bus waits . They cross as motorcycles ignore the light . They cross as a police car drives through the red , driven by some police officer 's friend . The car is full of some more friends smoking their cigarettes inside the tinted window of the back seat . An old man curses at the police car under his breath . A foreigner kicks the car with his left foot , and the pain makes him quickly regret this foolishness . Yet , the car drives through . The main gate of the school is serving fast food . They lady stands at her cart while the students eagerly line up for a box of cold rice , some potato strips and perhaps a piece or two of beef . The lady must be making a killing . No rent , no electric bills . She must have strong legs to peddle that bike , with the gas stove , glass case , and food on it , all the way from the market . An Olympian ignored . Other students stream by the cart , up the broken sidewalk back towards the noodle shop , where the man has just put the finishing touches on the lamb kabobs . His daughter takes them from him and places them on a metal plate to serve to a cuddly couple sitting by the window . She is in love . He 's not so sure about it . The man gets another order for kabobs and starts the routine off all over again . He glances up to see his grand daughter digging in the dirty tree well with her cousin . He takes a moment , within the noise that is there , to smile and think about what a beautiful young woman she will soon grow up to be . Posted by - The boys were brave this week . They had to get heath checks for their kindergarten registrations . Jonas screamed as they drew his blood . Miles did not . I love them both . I was the coward who stayed home while Barbara went to the hospital with them . She 's the real hero . I love her , too . From the looks of it , the tree area behind our apartment and beside the river used to be a landfill . Or , more specifically , a garbage dump for shoes . There are seriously hundreds of shoes sticking out of the dirt and muck . They 'll all old , broken , and ( at least to me ) interesting . A while back I decided to take some pictures of a few of my favorites . To me , the blue - heeled shoe looks like it 's really something that died . Notice the blue tongue protruding from it 's " mouth " . |
As the year comes to a close I thought that it would be helpful for my blog , and for the readers , to sort things and give them a chance to read some of the better posts from the past 12 months . So if you want to read up on the past year in blog form , then take a look at the links . ( mouse over each one to click and view . ) That 's about it . These were some of the ones that I tend to like reading over again . Take a look at one our two if you want . Some tell of the importance of family , friends , and being happy and thankful for the things we have . Others will direct that " thanks " to God sending his son to save us . Jesus was born in humbled state , to say the least . We all marvel at how amazing it was to have the creator of the world humble himself in such a way . For me , I am reminded of the familiar Christmas hymn that proclaims that " the soul felt its worth " . Do we know what our souls are worth ? I hope that this season will remind you that you are worth it . You are worth it for him that loves you and sent his son so that you could feel even a fraction of your worth . He did not come to make you worth it , he came simply because , by his love and the way that it grows , you are worth it and he wants you to feel it . Posted by In the spirit of Peter Rollins book , I have decided to write my own " orthodox heresy " parable . Writing this does not mean that I disagree with the original . I am not trying to alter anything , I merely want to share some of the thoughts that the original parable had pointed out to me . Therefore stay alert , because you do not know the day or the hour . For it is like a man going on a journey , who summoned his servants and entrusted his property to them . There were 4 servants in all . To one he gave ten talents , to another five talents , to another two , and to another one , each according to his ability . Then he went on his journey . The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more . In the same way , the one who had two gained two more . But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master 's money in it . Finally , the one who received ten talents went out and invested some in a friend 's business , used some for travelling , and yet more was given to a charity , and the rest he gave to his sick mother . In the end , the investment fell through and he was left with nothing . After a long time , the master of those servants came and settled his accounts with them . The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more , saying , ' Sir , you entrusted me with five talents . See , I have gained five more . ' His master answered , ' Well done , good and faithful servant ! You have been faithful in a few things . I will put you in charge of many things . Enter into the joy of your master . ' The one with the two talents also came and said , ' Sir , you entrusted two talents to me . See , I have gained two more . ' His master answered , ' Well done , good and faithful servant ! You have been faithful with a few things . I will put you in charge of many things . Enter into the joy of your master . ' Then the one who had received the one talent came and said , ' Sir , I knew that you were a hard man , harvesting where you did not sow , and gathering where you did not scatter seed , so I was afraid , and I went and hid your talent in the ground . See , you have what is yours . ' But his master answered , ' Evil and lazy servant ! So you knew that I harvest where I didn 't sow and gather where I didn 't scatter ? Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers , and on my return I would have received my money back with interest ! Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten . For the one who has will be given more , and he will have more than enough . But the one who does not have , even what he has will be taken from him . And throw that worthless servant into the outer darkness , where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth ' Finally , the one who had spent and lost all of the money said , " Sir , I have been faithful to you for all these many years . We all have . Once you gave me this money I decided that it would be a good opportunity to go out and try out a few things for myself . I was able to travel across the country to visit an old friend . It was amazing to see another part of the world ! The beauty of the trees and the splendor of the mountains was almost too much for these old eyes to take in . Yet , since I am getting on in years , I knew that I was running out of time to get a chance to go out and enjoy God 's wonderful creation . Such wonders ! Also , I had heard about an orphanage down the road and the financial troubles they were having . Since you were not around , I took it upon myself to donate some money to their cause . They were very thankful and used the money for new linens a few new beds . I invested some of the money in a friend 's business . I really believe in him , but in the end it did not work out . He lost all of the money , yet I do not blame him for it for I know that he tried his best . To tell you the truth , it was rather exciting to see him working on his little shop ; building the oven , stocking the supplies . His bakery did not last , but I was proud of him for trying and I know that he will try again if another opportunity ever arises . After travelling and giving money to the orphanage and my friend 's business I realized that there was not that much left , so I gave the rest to my sick mother . She can use it to buy a comfortable bed , some nutritious food to enjoy , and a warm blanket to cuddle up in as she lives out the rest of her days in pain from a sickness that cannot be cured . I visit her whenever I can . So , I am sorry sir , but I went out and spent all of the money , some for my own pleasures and some for others . It was a joy to go out and explore , and a great honor to give to others . That being said , I have no way to pay you back , but I can promise you that I am very thankful to you and I will continue to be faithful to The master looked upon his servant , a faithful one for all of these years , and all at once he fell down at his feet and wept . For the master had realized that he had held his love of money above all else ; above his friends , who he no longer spent any time with , above his family , as the servant 's words of his sick mother reminded him of his own family , which has hadn 't seen for many years . He put money above his faithful servants ; servants who sacrificed their own dreams to help him live out his own . ' What have I become ? ' he called out , above the roof tops , to no one in particular . but as usual , she seemed flustered . " Sorry . " She announces with a smile . " Are you okay , teacher ? Is something wrong ? " I ask . questions about homework , they want me to tell them what they should do . Some of them are homesick . Yesterday I needed to take one of them to the to stay late at the school to cover a coworker 's maternity leave . I see the weariness in his eyes . I understand why he doesn 't have any free I 've been back in Canada for about 4 days now . The snow and temperature are quick ways of adapting and telling me that I am somewhere else . The cold and smoke seep through my coat . I try to get out there and just breath it in . Now I am sitting in a coffee shop typing away at a computer , which is surely to be considered a very North American thing to do . Hey , I 'm just trying to ease myself into this culture again . Back off ! Next to me is the door . It 's cold outside , so there 's two of them . Both of them have one of those buttons with the wheelchairs on them . The people who are in wheelchairs , with walkers , canes , or just plain lazy , can push those buttons to enter . A moment ago , two elderly ladies came to the door . They both had their own walkers , and I watched as the first lady struggled to reach out and touch the magic button that allows them to enter . I watched while they did this , tossing around the idea of getting up and actually holding the door for them . Why did I need to get up ? There 's a button there for them . They made their way in , and I returned to typing . If no one 's around , then the button is there for them . Yet , the button is not only there for them when others are not . The button is there so that we can continue to distance ourselves from each other . You don 't look at me , I won 't look at you . You need help ? Well , I didn 't notice , plus there is a button that is supposed to help you , so don 't expect me to do anything anyways . And in this world , this world of people , we have buttons . Buttons for those unable to enter doors to push , so that electricity can help them out , can be a gentleman for them . Here I am , near the door , watching two old ladies struggle to come inside for a coffee , and my instincts are already telling me that to help them is someone else 's job . Lord heal me . A month from today we will be on our way out of Xining . We 've called this place home for almost 7 years , and every time we 've left we 've always come back . This time , we will not be coming back . At least , we have no plans to come back . Today I am organizing 7 years worth of stuff . Stuff sucks . I look through things here that date back to our pre - China days , things like notebooks full of notes , clothes that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago , and iPod mini cases and cords . What do I do with all of this stuff ? More stuff . How about a bunch of CDs ? When we moved here it was pretty normal to have a big case full of CDs , but these days people don 't buy those things anymore . People can still copy them to their computer , of course , but all that leaves us with is a big pile of disks . Not to mention all of the books we have . What do you do with books when the Kindle is all you need ? Or , even further still , what does one do with all of their bookshelves once all of their books are gone ? More stuff . A lot of our stuff is useful . The books and CDs are quality , and can be used . We have some sporting equipment , some tools for fixing things around the apartment . We have some chairs , an iron , and a humidifier . We have useful stuff , stuff that people can use . It 's just amazing how much of it there is . We have over 25 bags and suitcases . Wow ! One month from leaving , and you want to know what I 've been thinking ? You want to know what it 's like ? Well , it 's like walking down the road with an arm full of stuff . And not just material stuff , but also experiences , familiar restaurants and shops , places that remind me of good memories and bad memories , and most importantly , friendships . It 's like walking down the road with all of that " stuff " in my hands and then suddenly just dropping it on the ground and walking away from it . At least , that 's how I feel about it right now . In our living room I have piled up all of our stuff for the sale we are having later this week . For now , it is kind of sad to get rid of it all . Though , I know that later on it will feel good to get the burden that stuff can be off of our backs . The same can 't be said for the friendships we 've made here . That 's the tough thing to let go of . We 'll keep in touch with a few of them , but if I 'm honest , most of the people here we will never see again . The people that we 've had so much in common with . People from far away places that have come here to Xining to try to do some good . In that way , we will always have a bond with the people that live here . And for the local friends , it will be tough to say goodbye to them forever . Yet , that 's the way life goes sometimes . All I can take away from it is the satisfaction of getting to know them for this time and wishing them the best in the future . I told Barbara how I felt about all of our " stuff " , about how it feels like I 'm just dropping it on the ground and walking away . She said that she feels the same way , only that she 's looking for a good place to drop it , so it has a soft landing and will be okay when we are gone . I like it when she talks . Open on BRETT and MILES standing near the kitchen table . Miles is wearing his BATMAN CAPE over his shirt . Brett is wearing his burgundy sweat pants and black guitar shirt . His eyes are puffy as he searches the nearby cabinet for a ripe ORANGE to eat . Jonas , concerned about the horror of not being in character 24 - 7 , decides that his rubber boots are good enough to simulate Kitty Soft Paws ' boots from the movie Puss in Boots . In a week where the weather has been sunny and mild , Jonas has been seen wearing his rubber boots to school every single day . What people passing by will fail to notice , as it is quite impossible to see , if that Jonas is also wearing a black cape under that big , blue winter coat . This cape is identical to the one his brother wore in the above scene . On the weekend , Jonas wanted to wear pants with big enough belt loops to accommodate his toy sword . When he " sheathed " his weapon , he noticed that the loops made the front of his sword droop . He did not like this and demanded from his father that the problem be solved . His father , not knowing were to purchase a pair of magic pants like this , told Jonas that nothing could be done . Screaming , whining , falling down on the ground , spankings , and a time out for the sword quickly followed for the young Kitty Soft Paws fan . Today , I dusted off the ol ' low - tops for a game of basketball down at Min Yuan . It was the first time that I participated in a basketball game at the school in well over a year . I felt like the brisk air would do some good for my sore throat for some reason . I do not know why . The competition was surprisingly good . I whiffed on a few shots , though most of my time was spent setting up my teammates ( just like Gretzky ) . Compared to the other local guys on the other 3 on 3 teams , my team was not very good . They were very good at fakes and traveling and calling fouls on the other team . I would find myself open near the net , calling for the ball , and in the next moment I would be watching a ballet performance towards the net followed by a no - looker right into the other team 's hands . Opportunity lost . Playing basketball with Tibetans ( and my Canadian friend , Arlin ) is a very unique thing . If you 've ever ran the Min Yuan courts then you would know what I 'm talking about . It 's a good time . Fouls abound . Imaginary fouls abound . When someone gets swatted on the wrist , everyone laughs , including the guy being slapped . My throat does not feel any better . I was hoping for sort of a " reverse psychology " with it . You know , heal a sore throat with cold air . It 's been done before , I bet . I shower at night , after the boys are asleep . Barbara showers in the morning , after the boys are up . Jonas asked Barbara the other day , " Mom , why do moms take showers but dads don 't ? " This is an honest question based purely on this boy 's life experience . To him , the world goes to sleep at 8pm . I mean , what interesting thing could possibly happen while Jonas Gitzel is asleep ? Jonas has a small Batman tattoo on his arm that he got from a birthday party . It 's almost rubbed off now so he coloured it in with a few markers . Today , while on the bus , Jonas looked over from his seat to notice an old man looking over at him . Jonas proceeded to roll up his sleeve and show off his cool red and green coloured Batman tattoo to the man . In fact , 2 days ago he did the same thing in the elevator for an old lady . Miles runs everywhere . When we are going to school he runs ahead to predetermined " pitstops " that I have pointed out so that he does not run all the way to school without us . One time , at one of the stops , Miles was breathing very hard , and curiously he asked , ' Dad , why am I breathing like this ? " I told him it was because he just finished running 100 meters . At that moment he realized that , every time he breathes hard like this , it is not that there is something wrong with him , it is that it is a product of running . Ever since then I 've noticed that , when he 's tired , he is much more calm about it . I realized that , for quite some time , he didn 't know why he couldn 't just run forever and it seemed to really bug him . My problem with the NHL lockout is that , while they talk about who gets the money , nobody gets the money . I don 't get it . I read today that there were some more meetings this week between the two sides , yet the conclusion was that they remain far apart and the entire season might be lost . You know what that means ? These guys lose approximately 3 billion dollars by not working something out . Can we mere mortals fathom a billion dollars ? Can we imagine being in meetings discussing 3 billions dollars and how to split it up , then leaving the meeting with our hands raised with a , " Well , let 's talk about this again in the next week or two . " ? These guys should have one of those giant digital counters drilled to the wall in the meeting room . The counter just keeps ticking up and up , minute by minute , the amount of money they are throwing away every single day . How much has it been so far ? One report figure that the league has lost over 200 million dollars already . That clock would just keep ticking up and up . Now , if you have a job and your job is to make a deal with someone , and every week you don 't have a deal in place you lose over 100 million dollars , would you not think that taking a " break from talks " would be more than silly ? To me , this whole thing is psychotic . If , in the end , the owners end up winning and get a bigger chunk of the money , then someone still needs to answer that age - old question : Thanksgiving was declared a national holiday back in 1879 but back then it was celebrated in November , around the same time as our American neighbours . However , they officially changed the date to the 2nd Monday of October in 1957 . I 'm not sure why they changed it , but it 's been that way ever since . Maybe the Canadians were just being polite about it . There are many other stories of thankful Canadians , as many of you know , but I will leave the history lesson at that . Personally , I am a very thankful person . Today , it rained buckets and buckets of rain down on this desert town . The streets were roaring with water , water that sustains life of plants , animals , and people like me . I am thankful that it rained today . I have had a massive stomach ache for the last 2 days . I am thankful for it , in a way , as it reminds me to pray for healing and to remember those who deal with health issues every day of their lives . I am thankful for my family and friends , both here and far away . I am most thankful for Barbara , Miles and Jonas . I have good people . I am thankful that Barbara and I have grown closer over almost 7 years of living in China . I am thankful that Miles and Jonas are growing up strong , smart and funny ( just like their old man ) . 1 . There are approximately 35 kids in the school now , split up into 2 classes . I say " approximately " because there are new recruits trickling in every few days . The capacity would be 42 kids , so there is still a little bit of room for anyone else that shows up . 2 . The playground is open . It was built by the school , and will function as a playground for the kids in the school and the kids that live in the complex . It is the only public playground around . The kids love it . 3 . There are 4 teachers at the school , 2 helpers and Barbara . This month , all of the teachers have been sick at one point or another . Also , one of the teachers is away at meetings in another province . Thus , it has been a busy month for everyone . China has the October holiday next week , so the teachers will get a well deserved break . 4 . Most of the kids seem to be adapting well . The older kids all seem comfortable with their classes , both English and Chinese , and are up to the challenge of learning the languages . The younger kids are a little more shy and sometimes have a hard time leaving their moms and dads for the day , which is understandable because they are 3 years old . Yet , they sing their songs together and play their games together , so they 're slowly getting comfortable , too . Seeing all of the kids together is a great thing to see . I have been working on a video of the whole thing , which I will hopefully have up for viewing by the end of next week . So , look out for that in the near future . It 's cold here in Xining . The lights of Summer have been snuffed out . I wore a toque today . I swear it was 30 degrees Celsius 3 days ago . The heat will not be turned on in our apartment until October 15th . That 's the way it goes , I guess . The water guy just arrived with our delivery . He asks , " Are you American or Korean ? " All I could do was stare at him . Finally , I ask , " You think I look like a Korean ? " He shrugs his shoulders and waits , apparently for me to answer . I say that I 'm Canadian , he ignores my response and asks if he can have an apple . At this point I know that he 's messing with me . He walks out of the door and I say , " Goodbye , my Korean friend . " He turns and tells me he 's not Korean , but Chinese . I shake my head and close the door behind him . I played soccer yesterday . It had been one of my goals this fall to get out there and play that game . It had also been probably around 18 or 19 years since I last played an official soccer game . The Tibetan team had me first and put me in the middle on defence . I marked my man and cleared the ball out of danger 's way a few times . In the end , I don 't think that they trusted me with the ball , so I didn 't really get too much of a chance to kick it . Eventually , one of their other guys showed up and I was " traded " to the Korean team . They put me on the left side on defence . It went pretty well , and I got to kick it around a few times . Overall , I enjoyed it . A lot of running , and it 's surprisingly difficult to get control of the ball and kick it to where you want it to go . I 'll continue to enjoy playing it , but it will be a while before I get used to implementing all of the lingo that goes a long with it . As in , I will not say " the pitch " for at least a while . For you cinephiles , I have done it again ; I am trying to watch 8 1 / 2 again . That famous Fellini film that they told me to watch before my film school . This movie is always on the Top 10 lists of filmmakers and directors , so I 've put a lot of work into giving it a fair shake . This is my 4th viewing . The first 3 times went right over my head and out of the door . For some people I would pretend that I loved the movie , but when it comes down to it , it did not make a lot of sense to me . It is a beautiful movie , but the story did not add up to me . Within my readings of late I have discovered that 8 1 / 2 is an " antiplot " story . These types of films reverse the classical tones of story . So , when watching a movie like this , I need to keep in mind that this film will not flow like most films . The basic theme of it is the internal struggle and contemplation of the protagonist . With that in mind , this 4th viewing has gone well so far . I will watch the final 30 minutes tonight . Some parts that confused me before because they seemed funny and comedic are actually funny to me now that the confusion is gone . It 's actually are really funny movie , I just didn 't know it was supposed to be . Guido , the main character , is also the coolest looking dude in film . Posted by I climbed aboard the bus outside of Min Yuan . The bus rolled ahead a few feet and stopped at the red light . And that 's when I saw him ; standing there on the sidewalk . It was amazing and looking back on it now , it is very difficult for me to put it into the proper words to enable the depth of the humor to shine through . He was a monk , standing there on the side of the road ; waiting for a friend , perhaps . In his hands he had a box of crackers . The crackers were the cheap kind that local people would probably feed to their teething babies . At least , that would probably be a good reason for buying them . This monk had them in his hands . He picked one of them up and proceeded to stuff it into his mouth . Then , he repeated the action two , three , even four times before the first cracker had gone down his throat . To put it another way , he was " going to town " on that box of crackers . By the time the light had turned green he had eaten half of the box . Crumbs were caked on his face . He was in the " cracker zone " , unaware of anything else around him . It was him and that box and nothing else . I was tempted to jump off of the bus to buy him a water . I was sure that he was going to need it . Not sure why this scene was so interesting to me . More than interesting , it was bizarre . I 've heard many stories of monks pushing their physical limits in a number of different areas , including fasting from food . Something in me figured that monks only ate once a day , and only because they had to . Then , today , I have the cookie monster crunching up a storm on the side of the road . I 'm not judging him at all . Heck , when you 're hungry , you 're hungry . For some strange , arbitrary reason , this scene was completely hilarious to me . The man stood up from his stool and stared out blankly at the street in front of him . His mind wandered in and out of itself as the leaves on the trees flickered back and forth between themselves . The wind picked up that time of day and the sun was shining just enough for the leaves to dance their shadows onto the pavement . His daughter shook him from his gaze as she shouted a food order into his ear . He nodded , sat back down on the stool , reached under the glass case , and pulled out 15 metal sticks loaded with lamb meat . He hoisted them over the fire , dusting them with the spice and salt of the region , and life went on . Students walk by the sizzling meat , and through the door for lunch . Noodles cooked fat , thin , long , and in pieces . Everyone orders them differently , but generally , it 's all the same . They live off of flour and water and spice . Over the last few years the noodles have doubled in price , making things difficult for everyone , as they are these days . You could add some meat to them , or a boiled egg if you could afford it . The man on the stool disappears in a sea of the noon - hour rush . Down the steps , towards the street , the crowd thins out . Near the alley stand a row of trees , all painted red and white for whichever reason you might think that they would be . To prevent the bugs from eating them ? To prevent the drunks from crashing into them ? Some sort of hidden message or political statement ? Painting trees is a job for people ? They stand tall in the autumn air . Their leaves will be gone soon , but for a short time anyways , they are proud and beautiful . Below a tree , in it 's well , squat two small children . They are no more than 2 years old , yet young enough to waddle around in their split pants . The boy scrapes at the dirt in the well with a stick . This is his playground . The girl picks up a littered piece of used toilet paper and mimics ( as her mother had taught her ) how to wipe herself in the opening of her pants . When she had finished , and being polite , she offers it to the boy , who repeats the action . Both are very proud that they can wipe themselves with this piece of dirty paper . " So grown up " , they think . On the road , the students continue to flood the area . Groups of girls clunk by on their high heals . Groups of boys pass by the other way with wavy hair and skinny jeans . Their hairless chests poke out of the top of their unbuttoned shirts . They are Justin Beiber . They are Justin Beiber . At the bus stop , The People wait in their blue uniforms for the # 28 so they can go with their heavy tools to the end of the line and beyond ; to the place where they work doing whatever they do that pays them money to buy things to eat . An old lady holds two bags full of vegetables in her hands . The cloth stretches and pinches over her arthritic fingers . She spent 3 hours getting the food for the evening 's dinner , though the market is only a block away . The # 28 is close to arriving , but stops at the red light just before the bus stop . The people cross the street as the bus waits . They cross as motorcycles ignore the light . They cross as a police car drives through the red , driven by some police officer 's friend . The car is full of some more friends smoking their cigarettes inside the tinted window of the back seat . An old man curses at the police car under his breath . A foreigner kicks the car with his left foot , and the pain makes him quickly regret this foolishness . Yet , the car drives through . The main gate of the school is serving fast food . They lady stands at her cart while the students eagerly line up for a box of cold rice , some potato strips and perhaps a piece or two of beef . The lady must be making a killing . No rent , no electric bills . She must have strong legs to peddle that bike , with the gas stove , glass case , and food on it , all the way from the market . An Olympian ignored . Other students stream by the cart , up the broken sidewalk back towards the noodle shop , where the man has just put the finishing touches on the lamb kabobs . His daughter takes them from him and places them on a metal plate to serve to a cuddly couple sitting by the window . She is in love . He 's not so sure about it . The man gets another order for kabobs and starts the routine off all over again . He glances up to see his grand daughter digging in the dirty tree well with her cousin . He takes a moment , within the noise that is there , to smile and think about what a beautiful young woman she will soon grow up to be . Posted by - The boys were brave this week . They had to get heath checks for their kindergarten registrations . Jonas screamed as they drew his blood . Miles did not . I love them both . I was the coward who stayed home while Barbara went to the hospital with them . She 's the real hero . I love her , too . From the looks of it , the tree area behind our apartment and beside the river used to be a landfill . Or , more specifically , a garbage dump for shoes . There are seriously hundreds of shoes sticking out of the dirt and muck . They 'll all old , broken , and ( at least to me ) interesting . A while back I decided to take some pictures of a few of my favorites . To me , the blue - heeled shoe looks like it 's really something that died . Notice the blue tongue protruding from it 's " mouth " . |
Yes , I had been looking forward to tonight . a night out with the guys . Bowling , a few drinks , then we will retire to our bachelor friends pad for some serious poker . what a great night this is going to be . When I got home my bride was still not home from some shopping she was doing . I realized I had forgotten to tell her the guys and I were going out because i was involved with a problem at work . i had solved the problem and my boss was so pleased he let me go a little early today , so i stopped at the bank , got some cash , stopped at the grocery and picked up a lot of good beer and snack chips . I went up and took a quick shower and got into some comfortable jeans and a shirt . I could smell something delicious cooking and i yelled down stairs . . " Hi Honey , something smells really great . I will be down in a minute . " I was so happy I was actually whistling a tune while i combed my hair and then started down stairs for supper . My bride was in the kitchen makings burgers with home fried potatoes with fried onions and some gravy , it smelled really great . she was still dressed in her suit she wore to work but had taken the jacket off and left her purse on the table . I came in . gave her a peck on the cheek and told her how much i loved her . . . . " By the way , i am going out with the guys tonight so i will be going out shortly after the supper dishes are done , " I said . " Oh , " she said , looking at me with one eyebrow raised . That usually meant that she was surprised or sometimes getting perturbed . I figured she was surprised as I had forgotten to tell her about the plans the guys and I had made last night on the phone . " Oh yes , I forgot to tell you , we are meeting at the bowling alley at seven pm so we can bowl a few games before the leagues take over the alleys for the night . We will probably stay for a few beers and then go to tony 's to watch some tv . . there is a big game on tonight so I will probably be late getting home tonight , I said " . . " AH , I see , " she said , " that explains why there is a thousand dollars missing from our account . I was going to ask you about that as I stopped at the a t m to get some cash on my way home . So this going to tony 's afterwards is about going to watch a game ? it wouldn 't be about you guys getting up a card game like you did a couple of months ago . What was it , Oh yes , you lost 2000 dollars to your friends . That wouldn 't be the reason why you needed a thousand dollars would it be ? If the game goes like the last one , you didn 't get enough money . " Well ? Did you really forget to tell me about going out or were you just building up a fantastic lie that you hoped you would not be caught at ? You remember what happened after that last game don 't you ? You promised that you would not play poker with them again didn 't you ? You might as well spill it all as you are already showing how little memory you have . " She was now standing in front of me with her hands on her hips , a furious look on her face . and the dinner taken of the stove . " Honey , I really mean it . I had forgotten to mention it to you as I said . The plan was just bowling and then the game but when I called tony to tell him abut the trouble I found and what a great day I was having at work , he suggested that seeing my luck had changed maybe we should play cards tonight . I was just so happy the way the day was going I picked up the money for cards on the way home . I am sorry , I really won 't play cards and I will return the money in the night deposit tonight if I can still go out with the boys . Please Honey , I had to cancel the going out last month as Iwas still getting weekly spankings for that last game . I really need to show up tonight or they will be suspicious that I am not allowed to do anything . I will tell them that I gave you the money because you needed to go shopping and after bowling I will come straight home . I will make an excuse they will believe . Please Honey . I will be embarrassed if I can 't go tonight . . . " All right , I will think about this while we eat . You need to be thinking about why I am so angry at you . I understand the male need for independence in appearance anyways , but you have really screwed up . I will allow that you were not thinking right . after all you do that a lot . now lets eat , " she said . We ate in silence . She kept looking at me . Sometimes anger , sometimes thoughtfulness crossed her face . After dinner she said that she had made up her mind . " she told me to do the dishes and that she would take the money and return it to the account in the morning . no money in your pocket will make it easier for you to skip the card game " . With that she took her chair and placed it in the center of the kitchen . That was not a good sign . That is where most of the discipline spankings I get take place . I started the dishes . She left and went upstairs . She came back almost immediately with her big hairbrush that she had bought especially for spanking me with . She sat on the chair and watched me wash and dry the dishes . . As I put the last one away she told me to come stand in front of her . It appears that you are having trouble remembering to tell me things that you plan that may effect me as well . I am going to give you a good spanking now before I let you go out tonight . " Please pull your pants down and lower your underwear to bare your bottom " . I blushed but did not dare to question her reasoning . I was used to spankings from her as my mother had suggested and shown her how to spank me when we first got married and I started screwing up . However this was unusual . I was going to be allowed to go out with the guys but no card game . Well at least I would look like I could where I wanted and when . I would tell the boys my wife wanted me home early tonight because she was horney or something . That would work . She then uncrossed her legs , smoothed her skirt and invited me to assume the naughty boy position that I know so well . Her thighs support my weight with her left thigh at my somach and her right thigh midway down my thighs . . her legs are spread slightly so that I receive no stimulus in the penis area . It just hangs between her thighs . She had me place both hands on my back and held both thumbs in her left hand . that makes almost like chinese handcuffs and you cannot move either hand . She rubbed and patted the brush against my cheeks and I tried to push down on her thighs to get away from it . She patted a few more times and said that i was wrong to even think about taking money from our account to play card , especially as she had only stopped last week with the spankings I got for that game . Then she sighed and said , " I think this may work as a reminder to let me know your plans . I will spank you this way every time you forget or are only half truthful in your plans . " with that I felt het stop patting my back side . I felt her shift slightly and then there was an explosion of sound and pain as the brush stung my right cheek . I tried to push away but she had me firmly in place . the stirred again and the left cheek started to burn . I yelped . then the spanks started falling about 1 per second , I was starting to wiggle about . I felt two more smacks on my thighs . I yelped and begged her to please stop . " Ha , I have just gotten started . buckle down , this spanking will not be long but it will be efficient " , she said . That brush kept smacking and I was really dancing on her lap . More smack to the thighs and I tried laying still again . a few more smacks and I was dancing again . ; more on the thighs . . I was really begging for it to stop now . she paused . " Are you learning your lesson ? Will you remember to tell me your plans in the future ? Will you never play cards with the money in our account . If you can save some on your own then you can play but you had better never lose more than you have on you . When I finish this spankinThus started a new phase of discipline for poor Tommy . so you think he will remember or will his sister and mom have to take part in his learning experience . Your meeting with the dean of students had not gone well . Your first semester at this excellent college prep school and you are failing most all of the subjects . Your mom had remortgaged her house in order to give you a better chance at getting into a better college . your high school marks had been slightly below average but you had still passed and graduated although at the bottom twenty percent of your class . well , your senior year in high school is only for one year so you had laid off the studying and had partied like it was your last chance in life to have a good time . Your memories of what had happened that ended you up at this prep school instead of one of the top colleges you had applied to were flowing through mind . While in high school you had applied to some of the most highly rated schools in the country . you had written a letter with each telling them of you high grades and high standing in the class . of course you sent them when you were a junior and the marks were very very good . in the top 5 percent of a class of 600 . when they looked at the applications and received the final graduation standings , the good schools all said that you did not meet their standards . Your mom , who had never worried about your marks was so upset that she told you to go to the kitchen and that you and she were going to have a talk about your future . you went in and sat at the table and saw all the rejection letters on the table . all opened again . oh oh you thought . Your saw your mom come in to the kitchen , slapping her big hairbrush gently against her thigh as she walked . " I wondered why you had not been excited and happy about which college you would be going to this coming fall . then i found the letters behind the cake dish on top of the refrigerator . i wondered why you had hid them . then reading rejection after rejection , i was confused . you were always such a good student i really hadn 't paid any attention to your marks in the senior year . i saw you were busy with all the senior activities so i thought that every thing was wonderful . now come the rejections . i called the high school . they siad that you are barely passing but that you will graduate but they had been so busy that they figured i already knew of the problem that you were having with your priorities . well right now i am going to discipline you the same way i did when you were in second grade . i think that was the last time you had any problem with marks . after i spank you we will discuss your future . " she said . I was completely flabbergasted . I could not believe what was about to happen . i was sure she would just say , see this is what could have happened but as you are now an adult and about to graduate from high school we can sit down and make some real plans on how to get you into one of the colleges you should be going to . In stead she pulled out the chair . set down and straightened her skirt , picked up the hairbrush and said . " get over here now mister . you are going to get a real lesson now about not letting your responsibilities go , to party and celebrate instead . now , get over here and pull your pants and drawers down to your ankles . " " Mom I said . please don 't , i am an adult now . " . " NO , she said , you are a naughty boy who has screwed up royally and I am going to take you to task for it . now get over my lap . now mister " . she got up . ; stood me up . ; Pulled down my pants and drawers , grabbed my ear . led me to the chair . she sat . pulled me down and across her lap by my ear . she bent my right arm up on my back , raised the brush and i quickly discovered that her hairbrush stung far more than i could have ever remembered . smack after smack fell . i started to kick and plead . " mom . please , this is so embarrassing . i am to old to be spanked , mom ouch . ok that 's enough i have learned my lesson " . she replied " you better get used to it " . she started to spank me . the spanking went on and on . i begged , yelled , pleaded , finally as hard as i tryed not to , the tears started to fall . i choked out . , " mom , i am sorry . . i should have taken care of my business and kept up my marks . i know i screwed up royally , please stop mom . , i really need your help to get into a good school " . with that she told me to brace myself . she then delivered about 30 of the hardest smacks i had ever had all on the place where the bottom and thighs meet . i screamed , cryed out loud , and then it was over . she let me lay there for a few minutes while she gently rubbed my bottom . told me that she would have to get a face cloth the wash the pressure blood the broriginal story and drawing by tommyspt . i hope you enjoyed it . please feel free to leave comments . Posted by Trying to hurry up the stairs with you pants and drawers around your ankles is a difficult thing to do . After some brief , hard spanks from each of them in the kitchen , some quick cleaning up by me with my pants still down , my mom said that it was time for us all to go to the bed room for their spanking lessons to begin . As i tripped my way up the stairs with them smacking my bottom and thoroughly enjoying my predicament , i tried to move without tripping as best I could . when we reached the top of the stairs my sister asked my bride if the computer chair that she had set out had wheels for moving it around and she confirmed that it did . My sister asked me to take the chair in the hallway by a telephone desk that we had upstairs into the room with us . She told my sister that when she spanked me i bounced around so much when she spanked me that she preferrs a hard back stable chair to sit on . I picked it up and stumbled into the room with it , and placed it in the middle of the room where my sister pointed that she wanted it . My sister walked to the computer chair , she picked up the hairbrush , tried it one time on her thigh and then sat down on the straight chair . I was nervous , intimidated , and embarrassed to be naked before these ladies . i had been before indifferant situatuions , but never before all three and for the purpose of teaching my bride how to apply a proper spanking to me . I felt myself becoming aroused and suddenly found the carpet to be very interesting . My mom told my bride that to apply a good hairbrushing the important thing is to keep the hairbrush moving on his bottom . She said that she always felt that overlapping the strokes by a half of hairbrush width and smacking it from left to right side and from top to bottom . . this allows the heat to build up and never lets an area of the bottom start to cool off . from in attention . when you reach the bottom right cheek start over again . Of course if you are a left handed spanker then reverse the spanks to right side , left side . Kate will show you how she snaps the brush on impact to make a stronger smack . Kate , why don 't you start it off . Kate adjusted her skirt and called me to her . I stood in front of her as the others watched , She said , " you know that this is not allowed , " : She tapped my arousal with the brush and then told me to " get over " . I got over her lap with my stomach over her right thigh and my upper thighs on her left . my arousal fell between her thighs getting no stimulus at all . she looked to Jen and said , " I will administer the first ten slow and will show how i snap the brush at the last moment before it smacks . you will see his reaction as each smack hits " . She raised the brush and down it came . I lifted my head up and i yelped loudly . Kate said , " now , did you notice that reaction . a straight on spank with no snap , he would have just laid there and pretend it didn 't hurt . Now you will see each smack will get another large reaction . . the brush started falling about every two seconds " . i was kicking , begging , yelping and wriggleing , they were all acceptable , a ; t the ninth smack i lifted my hand off the floor . Kate stopped immediately . " Hands on the floor . If you lift them again you will get an extra 10 when i finish , you know better than that , Do you not ' . " Yes , I know better and i will not do it again . " i said . The tenth smack landed just as i answered . " All right , now i am going to spank him hard and fast , using the brush about a smack a second for a minite and 20 seconds , if my timing is correct that will be eighty more or a total of ninth spanks . . he will probably be a very sorry boy when i am at that point . I will stop for about 10 seconds and then give him ten more as hard and fast as i can give them . then we will talk again " . . I felt her shift and then the spanking started again . the pain built and built . i begged some more , i did everything i could except take my hands off the floor to try and protect my bottom . past experience had shown me that that was not a good idea no matter how much my bottom burned . It went on for what seemed like an hour but as she had said it was just over a minute . she paused . i looked over at myhw ] ere ends part two of Teaching Tommy 's Bride to Spank . I apologize for being so long between part 1 and part 2 . I had lots of pictures ofthe model of Kate i used . apparently they were on a portable hard drive i had that crashed , I spent about 3 weeks looking for other pictures of Kate and finally had to build her from other pictures to illustrate this part of the story . . this is a fake art picture created by tommyspt . the models used are made up from several models snipped and cut into the models that now show . they are over painted also to make them look even more different My Bride was fed up with me . Everything I did was only half done and usually she had to finish it up for me . We got into a big argument and it ended with her saying " I am going to call your Mom . At the wedding she told me to watch for you sloppy and lazy ways and that I should call her if a problem developed . Well it seems that the time has come . You go to work and we will discuss this further when you get home tonight " . I hesitated for just a minute and she actually took me by the ear and ushered me out the door . I could understand her being angry at me as I had sluffed off all my week end projects and now my bride was going to have to finish them up and today was a day off that she had been looking forward to for quite some time . I got in my car and headed to work although all I could hear in my mind was her saying , " I am going to call your Mom , I am going to tell her hat a lazy jerk you are and ask her how to handle you " . Well she didn 't actually say the last statement but I am sure that it is what she meant . This concerned me alot because my Bride did not know how my mom had kept me a model boy and young man with lots of corrective discipline at home . Both my Mom and my sister took part in very long scolding , very hard spanking discipline . Mom said that it had worked for me as a child and had continued it for as long as I lived at home . My sister was 4 years older than me and had been invited by mom to participate as soon as she was baby sitter age when she said to her , ' ' I guess now that you are wanting to baby sit for others that it is time you learn the way to corrrect a naughty boy for your self so I will teach you how to administer a good and proper spanking . I know you have watched me spank Tommy many times but you need to learn how to get more action from the naughty boy with the way the hairbrush lands . You have seen him beg , cry and make promises but if you are taking time to discipline a boy , he needs a thorough lessen taught or he will think you are weak and take advantage of you . " My mom was a veThe work day was over and I was on my way home . It seemed strange that my Bride had had not called me to ask how my day was going . Then I remembered she had the day off and was probably spending the day spoiling herself . When I got home and her car was not in the driveway I was a little concerned . When I opened the door , the wonderful aroma of a nice pot roast dinner . came thruogh to my nose . I saw the slow cooker on the counter and a note . I opened the note . It said I am spending the day shopping with the girls . Should be home by ^ : 30 PM when the dinner will be ready . will see you then . Ah , All was right with the world . My favorite dinner on and soon to be ready . My bride had spent the day shopping with the girls so she will be in a great mood when she gets home . It looks like all is forgiven and forgotten about our spat this morning . Ah , Life is good . I went into the living room and turned on the news on tv and settled in my chair with the news paper as well . About 6 : 25 pm i heard the kitchen door open . My Bride came in and announced , " We are home , I 'll call you when dinner is on the table . I thought to my self , " We " ? Oh well , in a few minutes dinner will be ready . I returned to the article I was reading in the paper . I heard a knock on the door and my bride answered the back door . " HI , she said , glad you could make it . dinner is just about on the table . I am going to call Tommy in just a minute . Ah , m i thought , guests for dinner tonight . no wonder we are having pot roast . A few minutes later she called me to come for dinner . " Well , I must say it really smells really good . " I said as I made my way into the kitchen . I stopped dead as I was entering the kitchen . At the table my Mom and sister were sitting looking at me with a serious look on their faces . My mouth dropped open , I wanted to turn and run , but I knew it would do no good . I walked like a doomed man to the table and sat down next to my sister . My Bride was sitting in my usual place at the head of the table . My Mom said , " It looks like he has guessed why we are here . Well , we will have a nice discussion while we eat and then Kate will show you what your sister and she bought this afternoon . " As the food was being passed around I helped myself to my favorite dinner , . I thought , " The condemned man gets his favorite for a final meal before the execution . The talk at supper was mainly about how glad my Mom was that Kate ha called her . She could see how I was slipping and that the lack of discipline was obviously the problem . She said that she was going to call Kate to discuss my problems that she saw developing . My Sister chimed in that she was going to call her also as I had been rude to her one day when I ran into her at the drug store and I had told her , " every thing is fine so just butt out , " and had left in a puff of fury . that had been on Friday and that she had stewed over my remark for the whole week end . She was very glad when Mom had called her to say that Kate was asking for help with my behavior . She called early this morning after I had left for work and asked her if she was spanking me for small problems before they turn into bigger ones . Kate had just stopped talking . finally she said , " Spank him ? No , it never entered my mind . after all he is 24 years old , a college graduate , has a good job with alot of future potential , it is just something that would have never entered my mind . " Jan , that is my sister spent a long time telling her about how I was always in trouble . mom spanked me once in a while and then things were better for a while . then As he was a ten , he waI sent there moms an advertisement saying that I was a strict baby sitter who sat not only for young children but also older ones that need a firm hand or hairbrush . Business was booming and a lot of his friends behavior improved also . " Well any hope I had about not getting spanked tonight just flew out of the window . To be sure Jan said , " Well Tommy , I guess we are through with dinner so could you please clear the table " . My Bride added , " Just leave the pot roast in the pan , it needs to cool before being put away . I " ll put it away after our chore for this evening is over . " I was a little upset , mostly with myself as I had realized that I was not being as nice to my Bride as I was to the rest of my family . As I was putting the dishes in the sink I dropped one . Luckily it did not break , but my Mom , was quick to correct me . " Tommy come over here right now . What do you mean throwing a dish into the sink like that ? ' Mom demanded . I told her , " It slipped , I did not do it on purpose . It didn 't break , " I explained . Well you need to be more careful . " Mom said , " Sometimes he rebels a little when he knows he is going to be spanked . The best thing to do is give him some extra 's before the actual spanking begins . Pants and underwear down to your ankles now . She picked up a big serving spoon , bent me over her thigh while standing and delivered 20 hard smacks with that silver serving spoon . I yelped with each one . " Now go to you sister . I hobbled over , she stood and also placed me as my mom had and delivered 20 more . I started to beg . now got to Kate and ask her to give you her first spanks ever . Kate did the same to get me in position . As she raised the spoon . Mom said " give him 20 very hard and aim for where the bottom and the thigh meet " . Kate did as told . I begged again . now tell him to get back to the dishes and leave his pants and drawers where they are . With tears in my eye 's I hobbled back to the sink and gently started to wash the dishes while they talked about the licks they had just given me . Mom said , " It is a goHere ends Part one . these stories seem to get longer and longer . It also will be a chance for me to have to get back to doing more fake art pictures . enjoy . I will really try to have part 2 up before long . I have done one proof read but I am sure I will have to edit it again after my eyes relax a little . I did this drawing many years ago and I just finished it up about 2 weeks ago . I absolutely fell in love with the model . To me the skirt is so sexy with the button up side and the very professional high collar shirt . I regret that when I started drawing this I was still mainly interested in how the lady looked and quite lax on drawing guys . I really thought about erasing him out and redrawing him but then I so loved drawing this that to change the original seemed not right somehow . . I am not writing a whole story on this one as it would follow in on the last three stories that I have written . Sometimes I just can 't get out of a mood when writing . I can picture how this skirt will fall on her lap when she sits . Poor tommy must have done something really bad for her to decide that the groundings and such just have not worked , He knew that she had been reading books on discipline for older teens that revert to childish problems . Tommy thought that being 18 meant that he was a full grown man and no longer would he be receiving such childish punishments any more . today however he and his best friend started harassing one of the geeks in school . Finally they knocked him down and took the little money he had . Unfortunately the lunch room monitor witnessed it all . Tommy and his friend were both suspended . Your mom had to leave work to take you home . When you walked into the living room following you mom , she had chewed you out for the whole 1 / 2 hour it took to get home . Once in the house she looked at you and said , " Ok , you are acting like a 12 year old again . bullying another student at school . suspended for the week , well that 's the last straw . you take off your pants and underwear and wait right there " . She pulled the chair from her writing desk out and turned it to the middle of the room . She went into the bathroom and got her old hairbrush and came back . Your pants were around your your ankles and your underwear were down to your knees . You also had the start of an arousal . Your mom said , " Well some things never cI set gently on the hard chair and began to write . every once in a while , checking to see if mom was really watching to see that I was doing as I was told . Yes she was . Well their I go again . when I see this drawing the story just has to go with it . hope you enjoyed it . Please feel free to comment . Well this morning has been a waste of a school day so far . My meeting with the principal showed what the surprise my mom had mentioned after my severe spanking at home was over . Could I pay attention in class ? No , not at all . I did pay attention in English when Ms Stern , wearing her usual short tight skirt skirt gave the class from seated on the front of her desk . I was looking at her lap , crossed legs , gorgeous , found myself wishing that she was going to spank me after class . I got an erection , thinking of what it would be like over her thighs , wiggling around , trying to avoid the smacks that she would be applying to my bottom . Would I be brave enough to not cry and beg . I looked at her bare arms as she was in a short sleeved shirt . She looked strong , I remembered I had seen her carrying armloads of heavy books to the storeroom and back , Yes , she would be very strong . I would have to be very brave to withstand a spanking from her . Suddenly I realized that she was calling my name . , I said , " Yes Ma ' am " , and then I realized that she had asked a question . I said could you please repeat the question ? " She told me , " stand up when i call on you , I was thinking that you were not paying attention to what I was saying . Now stand up . " I get up and then realized that I was extremely aroused and my pants were pointing straight out in front of me . Everyone started laughing and Ms Stern looked at me . " All right " . she said " You will see me after the class " . She recrossed her legs and I was so wanting class to end . Shortly , the bell rang and everyone started to leave . I walked over to her desk and she got up from the front of the desk and walked around and pulled out her chair . " Well Thomas , It seems that you are very distracted this morning . Is it because of your meeting with the principal after lunch today ? Yes I know what is going to happen and I know why , I ran into your mom when she was coming in to drop off her hairbrush . I got one just like it and now that I know about your discipline permission slip I will be keeping an eye on you . Your mom told me if I ever have a problem I should call her and she will invite me over so we can both give you the correction you need . That little erection problem you had today was not the first time I have seen you getting aroused looking at my legThe next class went by fast as Mr Parks had never excited me at all . Class was over and it was time for lunch . I ran into Jimmy and David in the lunch room . . They were both wondering what was going on with me They both got saturday service sentences for the month . The naughty students come in and help the teachers or principal with projects for the whole day . call it community service . " So what happened with you . " Jimmy said . I hemmed and hawed for a bit and then said " It hasn 't been decided yet , I have to see the principal again right after lunch . " Jimmy snorted out loud . " So it is you that is going to get spanked by the principal in her office . I heard rumors , she was going to give the first spanking in 15 years . " I wanted to get up an leave , if Jimmy and Dave knew then the whole school was going to know . Suddenly having everyone laugh at me when I stood up in Ms Scanlons class made more sense . " How can you let her do that , I thought that was against the law now " . Jimmy said . " Well my mom never changed the discipline permission slip in my file since back in 1st grade . The principal called her to see if there was some mistake . My mom told her no and that she expected the punishment to be applied . You guys know that my mom still spanks me . you have heard her do it in the next room . Well I got a real long hard spanking last night and I have to see the principal for another after lunch . I have to be in the office at one oh five or there will be extra . I will be spanked by my moms hairbrush which she brought in this morning for the principal to use . the principal says that she will buy one to keep on hand in case of further use before graduation . Also I will be spanked again tonight because she has always said a spanking in school gets one at home that night . I have to bring the brush home with me after school . Also the offense that started all this is serious enough so every saturday I will get a maintenance spanking . for the next month . So while you guys are here in school I will be getting spanked and doing cornerI walked into the office at one oh four . Ms Clancy said , " It is good that you are on time , you would not want to be late for your meeting with Ms Scanlon " , she turned to the girls in the office and said , " that she was going to be in conference with Ms Scanlon and Thomas . Please answer the phone and tell folks that we will return their calls when the meeting is over . the girls all were looking at me with big smiles on their faces . I hung my head and followed Ms Clancy into the office . Ms Scanlon had just set an adjustable seat in front of her desk and another wooden chair just off to the left and in front of the adjustable chair . She walked over and picked up my Moms ' hairbrush from on top of a book case and tried it out easy on the palm of her hand . Her eyes opened wide and she shook her hand . Then she tried it on the side of her thigh . she emitted a small ouch and said , " well this brush will surely do " she brought it over and gave it to Ms Clancy for her opinion . She did the same testing . Ms Clancy said , " antique ebony hairbrush , Heavy hard wood and a nice 10 inches long with a 4 inch paddle back . this is going to really get to the seat of the problem . " She handed it back to Ms Scanlon who went to the adjustable chair and sat down . She checked the height to be sure her lap was perpendicular to floor , She moved a little more forward on the chair and smoothed down her skirt . . set the brush on her lap and said that Ms Clancy can sit in the other chair that she had placed to allow her the best view to witness the spanking . She also can get up and move around if she wishes . Now Thomas , the file says that you must be bare bottom for your spanking . Both myself and Ms Clancy have given many spankings in our lives and we know that this is embarrassing for the person being spanked . we can assure you that we have seen many naughty boys in the same position that you now find yourself in . You need not be embarrassed by being naked from the waist down in front of us . Please come stand in front of me and lower your trousers ashe Posted by " Tommy , you have been taking way to long this morning . You need to hurry up or you will be late for school and you don 't want that to happen after yesterdays stupidity on your part . Also I need to apply lotion again this morning . that was a very hard spanking I gave you last night , " Mom yelled up the stairs to me . " I 'm hurrying , mom , I will be there in just a minute , I am combing my hair . " I called back and I hurried down the stairs . Breakfast smelled good this morning , hash brown potato , a ham slice and eggs with toast and jam . " Hurry and eat she said and then I will apply lotion before you leave for school , " mom said . I ate fast , quickly rewashed my hands and wiped my face . Mom cane back into the kitchen carrying jar of body creme and she pulled out a chair , sat down and called me to her . " take them down and over you go " , she said . I pulled down my pants and underwear and laid over her lap . She rubbed body lotion into my still sore and hot bottom from last night . Then with a couple of swift and light slaps she said , " All right , get off to school , " she told me . " I have to meet with the principal later this morning . I know that you have never been in trouble at school and a few weeks before graduation is not a good time to start getting in trouble . You listen to the principal , don 't argue , just accept whatever punishment she decides for you . " Yes Mom " you said as you hurried out the door . I met Jimmy and Dave down the street from my house . They were upset . " Why isn 't that skip day rule written down some place where we could see it " . We all agreed , we hadn 't wanted to cause trouble but we only had heard that skip day was the right of a senior that would graduate this year , . We decided that yesterday was the right day for us as the amusement park was still open and there would be hardly anyone around . we were correct on that point . we had a great day . Later we found out that we were missing persons and the police were looking for us . After a long time at the police station while paperwork was cleared our parents took us home . Jimmy and Dave were upset because they said it wasn 't our fault . They both were grounded for a month and then the parents would review there behavior and decide if more punishment was needed . This morning all three of us had to meet with the principal and find out what she had in mind as punishment for us . We got into our homeroom and our teacher told us that after attendance was taken we were to go directly to the principals office . We did as we were told . We walked into the principals front office and the secretary and clerks all looked at us when we came in . " Please sit over there " the secretary said . Some of the clerks were smiling at me mainly . WE sat down and found that the floor in front of us was very interesting as we all stared hard at it . In a few minutes the Principal came out and said , " send David and James in . Please keep Thomas waiting there for me " . The guys looked at me as they got up and went into the office . I started to figit as my bottom was still sore and it was difficult to sit on a hard wooden chair . I looked up and saw one of the clerks ( the clerks are all high school students who are majoring in business , they get credit as staff assistants that they can put on their resume 's which looks good to business schools that they will apply to ) grinning at me . The others started to snicker as well . Finally one said " Tommy 's going to get spanked " and they all broke down laughing . I asked , " What ? " in disbelief . The secretary told them to control themselves , " You know that school discipline is private and does not get spoken about outside of this office . " Yes Ma ' am " they all said and returned to their work . . however they still glanced at me and smiled . After 10 minutes had passed Jimmy and Dave came out and walked past me without even looking at me . they went back to classes . Ms . Scanlon the principal came out and said , Tell Thomas that I am ready to talk with him now . Please get his file and bring it in as we are going to chat about portions of his file . Ms Clancy got up and opened a cabinet and started looking thru it . Finally she said to Patty , " where did you put Thomas 's file . " I left it on top of the cabinet as I knew you would be looking for it after I put in Ms . Scanlons updates to it , Patty said with a slight grin . . Thank you said Ms Clancy and she looked at me and said follow me . I rose and went with her . When we entered Ms Scanlon was seated at the edge of her desk in front of a chair . another chair was moved to her side . Ms Clancy went to the chair and sat with the file in her hand . Ms Scanlon said for me to be seated . She saw me wince as I sat down . Why are all the student chairs in a principals office hard wood without padding ? Ms Scanlon smiled knowingly at me . " Well I see your mom is really serious about your discipline permission form in your file . You are sitting like a very well spanked boy . i have spanked quite a few in my time but not for many years now . Ms Clancy will you please read the date the form was signed and what the form calls for in the way of discipline . " Ms Clancy crossed her legs and opened the file . The page she wanted was right on top with a new page stapled to it . Ms Clancy started reading . Your Mom filled this out 12 years ago as you were entering first grade . Every year the schools have asked her to update the form but she has stated time and again that the original form is still the preferred punishment . She read from the form , " If Thomas misbehaves the punishment that works best for him is to spank him long and hard with a large hairbrush , over your knee , and on his bare backside and upper thighs . This is how he has always been punished at home and I wish it to be continued at school if he ever needs one . The discipline works real well at home and as i have said , he will probably never need to be spanked at school but if it is necessary i would prefer it be carried out by the principal at the first available moment . ' ' With that Ms Clancy Handed the form to Ms Scanlon . Ms Scanlon said that she had called my mom to verify that the form was correct . Ms Scanlon said , " I see by the way you sat down that your mom has already spanked you at home . " I nodded that she had . Well the first opportune moment will be this afternoon after lunch , the school no longer has a decent hairbrush to give a spanking with . Your mom specifies a large wooden hair brush . I asked the girls and Ms Clancy if they had a hairbrush with them , They all did but none are what the form calls for . I called your mom and she is going to bring her hairbrush in for me to use . She said that she would drop it off at lunch time so after lunch you have a study period , so you will report here for your spanking . Your mom will not be able to stay for your spanking but says she will also give you another tonight as if you get spanked at school you also getit at home , so after I am done I will give the brush to you in a bag for you to give back to your mom at home . It certainly has been a long time since I have given a spanking but I am sure that I remember how and will give you one that will pass your mom " Please " , I begged , " If she stands in the doorway the girls working as clerks will hear me being spanked " . " Well , " Ms Scanlon considered , " I am sure they will hear anyhow , but it would be more private if she came in to witness it . Ms Clancy , can you get the girls to cover the phones while I take care of the business after lunch ? " " Yes , I am sure one of the girls will be glad to cover the phones as they are doing now , " Ms Clancy said with a slight smile . " All right , I guess that concludes our business until after lunch . Thomas , You will be here in the office no later than five minutes past one . I will then talk about what has brought you to this discipline session and then it will be carried out . Ms Clancy will witness to keep with the rules of corporal discipline . See you at one oh five , Thomas . , enjoy your lunch " Ms Scanlon said . Here Ends Part One It had been a real fun day , myself and two of my best buddies . It started when we heard other seniors talking about a skip day for seniors . They said everyone is allowed one day their senior year to skip school and enjoy a day . We decided seeing the amusemant park up the street was still open that tomorrow would be a great day to go to the park rather than sitting around in classes that after 12 years we were sick of . In the morning we met near the school . Jim had taken his car and we loaded up and headed for the park . Wow , compared to week days when school was out , there was hardly anyone there . We rode all the rides as many times as we wanted and around the time school got out we left the park and went by school . Some of the kids asked where we were all day . We told them we took a skip day . They looked at us and said " are you serious ? " Skip days are planned ahead with the teachers and school officials so that you don 't miss any work . In math , the teacher got a call from the attendance office worker and asked if you were present . The math teacher asked if anyone had seen you today so we told her no we hadn 't . Apparently they called your homes and your moms just said that you left for school on time this morning and they thought you were there . The police were notified and they still are searching for you . On our way home a police car pulled us over and checked our id 's . They said a missing person report had been filed on each of us . We told him that we took our skip day that seniors are allowed every year . Well they took us to the police station and 3 hours later the paper work was cleared up . We were sent home and told that we were to report to the principal for school discipline in the morning , When i got home my mom was waiting and frantic . I told her what had happened and she told me what we did was stupid and dangerous also . Someone could have been hurt when the police were hunting for us all day . With that she told to set the chair in the middle of the living room and that she would be right back to take Posted by this is my most often viewed drawing on www . Flickr . com more than 1700 views . no one but myself knows that this is just the right side of a much larger drawing . some day i will try to scan the whole drawing . well the end of the day had finally come . when you spend the day just watching the seconds and minutes tick by , it is an awfully long day . What makes it so long is knowing what is coming at the end of the day . everyone had now left and Ms Scanlon came back in . ok boys . you will follow me and we walked to Ms Sterns office . As we went in Ms Cunningham , the secretary was still at her desk typing and she said hello to Ms Scanlon and just nodded to Bobby and Me . When we entered the office , Ms Stern got up from her desk and walked around to face us . She asked us if we were still in agreement with the statement that we had signed earlier in the day . . Bobby shook his head yes and i just hung my head wanting to turn and run screaming from the room . eye . She asked me again if I was in agreement with the statement authorizing corporal punishment for our attack on our home room teacher . I stammered that yes I was . Good she said and with that she went to a conference desk and took a straight chair and placed it by the wall not far from her desk . she walked over to her desk and opened a drawer and reached in . she removed a very large black hairbrush and smacked it lightly on her hand . walked over to Ms Scanlon and asked her what she thought of the brush she smacked her thigh lightly with it , made an ow face and told Ms Stern that this should do the trick all right and she handed it to Ms Stern who sat down on the chair and demurely crossed her legs and held the brush in her lap . All right she said to us that it was time for us to m = remove all clothes that will get in the way of proper spanking . I froze . Bobby immediately , undid his belt and dropped his pants down to his ankles , He looked at me and said i told you this was going to happen now drop your pants . I fumbled with my belt but finally got it lose . Ms Stern and Ms Scanlon were just watching us impassively . Ms Scam ; on said that we were delaying and had better hurry up or there would be more punishment strokes after the spanking should have ended . Bobby quickly pulled down his underpants and let them drop also . i tried , bobby said do it now . i don 't want any extra whacks because you delayed . down they came . I was blushing so bad . i was now naked in the places that mattered in front of two very attractive older ladies . they were looking at us but still very business like . Ms Stern told Ms Scanlon to bring bobby to her . She uncrossed her legs and had bobby stand beside her facing her lap . Well , she said , what were you thinking of when you and tommy hatched this stupid trick . He said that he wasn 't thinking of anything except how funny it would be when everyone heard Ms Scanlon had been glued to her chair . She had him ask Ms Scanlon if she thought that it was a funny joke . Ms Scanlon said that it was not and that it was a dangerous thing to do . I could have been injured from your stupidity and callousness . i hope Ms Stern will spank your rear end very hard to teach you a lesson . Ms Stern told her not to worry . That was exactly what she was going to do . Ok Bobby , over my lap for your spanking . he carefully laid himself over her lap . She told him to get his bottom higher so it was right over her lap . She patted his bottom a few times with her hand and then picked up the brush again . she rubbed it on his bottom . he jerked his bottom a little and said that feels cold . Ms Stern anOh Tommy , I just remembered you have never been spanked , did you ever see a spanking . i said no . She said well pay attention . this is going to be a good instructional spanking for you . She brought the brush down . smack ! wow , what a noise . i had expected a little sound like when you swat a mosquito . Bobby yelped . the brush rose again and fell on his other cheek , ow bobby said i was amazed at the bright red marks where the brush had landed . then she started spanking in a nice slow but hard rhythm , the brush moving up and down the cheeks and turning them even redder than i thought possible . Bobby was now kicking his feet and moving his bottom . I was watching Ms Sterns lap as Bobby was raising up and laying back down again as the spanking continued . I was horrified to find myself getting aroused . I looked at Ms Scanlon but she was busy watching the spanking in progress . the redness started showing blue areas and then white areas developed . Ms Stern was now spanking as fast and hard as she could . Bobby was crying , pleading and making any promise he could think of to please get her to stop . Finally she did stop she gently rubbed his bottom and told him that she didn 't like to have to spank him and hoped that from now on his behavior would be good so she would not have to spank him again . she told him to get up and go to the corner while she deals with me . Both Ms Scanlon and Ms Stern now looked at me . I was blushing and very much aroused . Ms Scanlon chuckled and shook her head . Ms Stern said that sometimes when a young man is in stressful circumstances they sometimes get aroused . we will ignore it this time . Tommy . , Please come and stand beside me . i was embarrassed and aroused . I was naked in front of these women and about to lay across a very pretty woman 's lap . true i was going to be spanked but right now that didn 't seem to matter . She told me the same as she had told bobby . yes I didn 't know why i did it . yes i thought it would be a very funny joke . yes I know now that I was wrong and need to be punished for doing such a thing . then she told me to lie across her lap . She adjusted her skirt a little higher and opened her legs slightly as i moved over her . she adjusted me so that my arousal fell between her thighs but did not touch her . she told Ms Scanlon that no contact , no sex feelings . he will only feel the hairbrush . I was still lost in the nice warm feelings of her thighs on my stomach and thighs . I looked back under the chair . saw her thighs from the bottom with my penis hanging between them her beautiful legs and small heels my legs on the other side of the chaif and Ms Scanlons legs and shoes behind them . Bobby was right . this could be a very erotic experiance . then i felt her hand rub . nice i thought , then the coolness of the back of the brush . again very nice but then my eyes opened , this was not going to be nice at all . i remembered what came next . I felt Ms Stern body shift alittle and whap , ohhhh i screamed . the first wack , my God . how could that hurt so much . She shifted again and whap . the other side . i yelped . Oh no . i said i am never going to be able to stand this . Ms Stern said oh yes you will , it will not be pleasant but you will with stand it . whap the first cheek again . i screamed nooooo owwww . ples - ase maam . i have learned my lesson . I heard Ms Scanlon giggle . He thinks he has had enough Ms Stern , I don 't think he has , How about you . . , sshe laid across . she lifted the brush and gave him ten very hard smacks to each cheek . he was crying again when he got up . he shuffled over to the corner and she called me . I hesitated again . Ms Stern grabbed me by the ear and marched me over . Ms Stern told her that I had heard what she had told bobby . just ask if he understands . I hung my head and said yes . she told me to get over I laid myself down again . again the smacks came fast and hard , , I again was reduced to blubbering . Ms Stern then told Ms Scanlon to give me another 20 for not moving fast enough . I started to protest but instead i just cried harder . . after i was allowed up i went to stand beside bobby facing them this time . Ms Stern told us that the cost of Ms Scanlons chair , skirt . slips and pantyhose came to $ 400 . 00 . We were to pay it of by next monday . if it wasn 't paid off we would have another session next monday after school . do you have a problem with that . we both said that we would bring 200 dollars each before next monday is over . ok , then you can dress and todays ' session is over . remember now , for the rest of the year any rule violations will end up here again so behave your selves . Yes Ma ' am we both said and we left to go home . We stopped to watch Ms Stern and Ms Scanlon walk back to Ms Scanlons room . Wow , they are both so beautiful . who would have ever expected that they could spank like that . Ms Stern has such a warm lap . And Ms Scanlon , I wasn 't expecting to be spanked by her at all . she is really good at it also . , . I said that i didn 't realize just how much a spanking could hurt . You were right though . it was very erotic . i would like to get spanked again by both of them . bobby said , there is little problem there , i don 't have 200 dollars , do you . Nope I said . we walked out together . both of us gingerly rubbing our bottoms and hurrying home to rub something else besides our sore rears . the bell had wrung and the kids were filing out . Ms Scanlon had left a few minutes before as I had told here that Ms Anderson wanted to ask her something in the office . Bobby and I had stayed baack because we had a trick on Ms Scanlon on our minds . I went into my desk and got out the elmers glue all I had brought to school that morning . after the last classmate left we quickly went to Ms Scanlons ' desk , pulled back the chair , spread glue all over it and then pushed in the chair and put the glue back and we started to leave . At the door we ran into Ms Scanlon returning , she looked at us and then the clock , it was five minutes past dismissal and she knew that we were always the first ones out the door when the bell rang . She said to me , " Ms Anderson was gone when I got there so I will see her in the morning . Thank you for the message and have a good night . She said good by and then we went out the door and stopped to watch in the corner of the window in the door . She pulled her chair out and sat down . we started laughing and then decided we had better get out of there . What a great time we had all the way home all the way home trying to think what Ms Scanlon would think when she tried to get up and found that she was glued to the chair . It was great fun , all the things we imagined might happen , the chair falling over , her yelling for help . Then Bobby asked what I did with the glue bottle . I told him I put it back in my desk and that I would throw it out tomorrow at lunch . Suddenly his smile disappeared and a look of worry replaced it . " You mean you left the evidence in your desk ? " " Oh crap , I think we may be in trouble , Ms Scanlon saw us leaving after everyone . We saw her sit down , and you left the bottle of glue in your desk . It isn 't going to take much to tie us to the joke . " Bobby said . " Oh crap is right , well maybe she will be to upset to look in my desk and I will dump the glue first thing in the morning . We had better plan on getting there early let me get rid of the evidence . " I planned . They opened the doors to let students in at 7 : 30 AM . There was only a few of there waiting for the doors to open . We hurried to our home room and went in . Ms Scanlon wasn 't there yet . we didn 't notice that the door connecting to the next class room was open just a little . Bobby and I went immediately to my desk , opened the top and I reached in and took the bottle of glue out . As soon I had it we heard Ms Stern , the assistant principal of the high school say , " Ok Boys , put the glue down on the desk and come with me . Mr Jones , please put the glue in a plastic bag and bring Ms Scanlons ' chair and it to the office please . " She looked at us and said " march " . We walked , I felt like a prisoner going to my execution . Bobby was very upset also . Other kids were coming in now watchng us walk with the assistant principal following us and the janitor with Ms Scanlons chair and a baggy with glue in it . As we entered the office Ms Anderson said , " Ah ha , caught with the evidence . I hope you two are in real trouble after what you caused Ms Scanlon yesterday afternoon . " We were ushered into Ms Sterns office and told to sit on two chairs set against the wall facing the side of Ms Sterns desk . She told us to just sit there , do not move , think about what you did and try to figure out why in heck you would do something like that . no talking between the two of you . Jonesy put Ms Scanlons ' chair in between us . It was our first chance to look at it . we noticed that most of her skirt and slip were glued in place on the seat . Oh God I moaned . Bobby 's eyes bugged out when he saw it ' . " Well , Ms Stern said , " I see you have noticed how deeply in trouble you really are . Ms Scanlon is fine , lluckily she had to get something from her purwse and tried to get up . realised her skirt was glued and her slip also it seemed . she managed to unzip it and climb out of it thanks to the fact that her panty hose had not gotten stuck yet . She called me on the school phone and i brought her a smock from the art room . . She told me of how you two were late leaving the room and that she noticed you spying through the door window until she was seated . she looked again and you were gone so she started to do some work when she felt her leg getting wet . when she couldn 't get up she unzipped her skirt and escaped her clothes and when i came told me the whole story . i looked for and found the glue in your desk Tommy , and I am sure both of you plotted to do this as some kind of sick joke . Ms Scanlon was so upset I told her to take her time coming in today and that i was going to look into a proper punishment for you two . Throwing you out of school immediately crossed my mind but Ms Scanlon said that you are both supposed to graduate next month and that although she was really angry she felt that that would be too harsh . upon reading our school disciplinary guide I have found what seems to be a very appropriate punishment and when " Ms Scanlon arrives we shall all discuss it . One last question and then you can think about how you will face Ms Scanlon after pulling such a stupid and dangerous trick on her . Are you both 18 years of age ? " We both nodded the affirmative . " good , Ms Stern said , that will fact a lot of the red tape . " Then we heard Ms Scanlon through the door . , She knocked and Ms Stern asked her to come in . Ms Scanlon came in , Looked at us , and she said , " What in the world ever gave you that idea . I had always tried to be helpful to you two and this was how you payed me back . Its a wonder I wasn 't still stuck to the chair this morning . a few more minutes and my legs would have been glued solid . I want a reason and I want it now . " we both just hung our heads and said nothing . . . , " I wish I could knock some sense into you two . here you are about to go out into the world and you pull a dumb and dangerous trick like this . Look at me when I talk to you , " I was so ashamed i had a hard time looking at her . Bobby looked at her and told her it was all my fault . I came out of my chair to get him when he recanted that . " It was both of our ideas , we didn 't think about it , we read it in a book and it sounded like it could be a funny gag . we just didn 't think it through . " I jumped in with , " Oh Ms Scanlon . Please . we were stupid kids when we did that , not even thinking of how it would effect you . we are so sorry . " She looked at Ms Stern and said that at least it is sounding a little sincere . what did you find out ? Well there is still a corporal punishment available for cases where someone tries to attack or hurt a teacher ' I looked at Bobby and his mouth dropped completely open . " that 's against the law he stated , " Ms Stern said so is gluing a teacher to her chair , that is assault and battery and it fits into the attack on a teacher catagory of this rule . Bobby just shut his mouth and hung his head again . " Corporal Punishment ? " Ms Scanlon said , ' it seems a little extreme . " The rule calls for spanking with a hairbrush in the principal or assistant principal office with a witness or witnesses to be sure that nothing more than a spanking occurs . . Now i was upset , " Spanking , I have never been spanked in my entire life . what do you think we are , 10 years old . " " You certainly acted like a ten year old pulling such a dangerous and stupid joke , . I think that the punishment will fit the crime . " Ms Stern said . Ms Scanlon also agreed saying that A good spanking is far more acceptable to than expulsion and having to repeat the year next year . Now she turned and adresssed Bobby and I and said , You are both adults now so you will have to agree to this discipline . if you do not you will be expelled for the remainder of this year and have to repeat the year again next year and if trhat happens you will have to sign this agreement to return then . i will give you 5 minutes to make up your mind while I have Ms Sanderson type up the agreement for you to sign . once signed we will go about our day as usual and will meet here at 2 : 30 pm for your discipline session . if either of you refuse this you will both be expelled and next year you will have to agree to this stipulation . if you do agree the stipulation will be active to the end of school and any infractions shall be taken care of in my office . . , you have 5 minutes to make up your minds . " Ms Scanlon and Ms Stern left with the rule she had written down . they left the door open . l what , really , ok i will tyhpe it and stipulate they will go by the rule for the rest of the years . Bobby and I looked at each other . I was upset , I said I have never been spanked before . He said that he had been up until he was 16 . he also said that he was not happy about it but that getting spanked was better than being expelled and repeating the year again . I asked what being spanked was like . He said its embarrassingmn it hurts and stings to high heavens but its over in a few minutes rather than another whole year . he also smiled and said that being over either of their laps would be a turn onbut not to dwell on that or you might get aroused when they prepare you . . . Prepare me . Oh yes . a good spanking is always on the bare bottom so they will have you lower your pants and underwear for it i am sure . well i was about to hide in a crack in the floor at that point . I also had never been seen naked by a member of the opposite sex since my mom stopped bathing me at about 5 years old . this was disturbing , but it did soulnd awful but better than another year of school . . They came back in and ms stern said , " What will it be , expulsion or ss . |
I never made Gerry Dailey a monster , and the guys that said I did are liars . If anything , he did it all himself . It wasn 't me or Freda or any of the others there that summer day when we first talked about the bees . Gerry had always been a scrawny little guy . He was ten , four years younger than me and Freda , but his disease made him look about six or seven , or maybe eight on his good days . Hey , I don 't even know for sure what made him sick . It was something like cerebral palsy combined with super asthma complicated by scoli - something or other , I 'm not sure about all of it . He never told us , and we didn 't ask , but the adults never tired of talking about him like he was the only show in town . What information we got came from overhearing their conversations . Sometimes Gerry walked around with braces on his crooked legs . Sometimes he rode in his little electric wheelchair . That day when he showed up at the park he was in the chair . One end of the park was a steep hill . A dirt road ran around the top of the hill , which looked like a green wall rearing up at that end , and we were playing our jumping game there . You get up on the road and run toward the grass . When your foot first hits the edge , you leap . Depending on your speed and how hard you jump , you can be really high in the air by the time gravity yanks you back down . That can be scary when you get a good jump , but God it 's fun ! As I was getting up Gerry said , " What 're you guys doing ? " He always tried hard to sound like he was our buddy or something , but other than the fact that his house was right between Freda 's and mine , he had nothing in common with us . We didn 't spend time with him , and he couldn 't honestly say he was friends with either of us . " What the hell you think we 're going ? " I snapped . Then I felt bad for raising my voice at the crippled kid , ' cause I knew he was just lonely . I probably would have said something decent to him then , but a bunch of kids walked up with baseball gear , and I kept quiet . I didn 't know these kids , so his remark ticked me right off . You can see my problem , though . If I defended Gerry they 'd turn on me , and there 's nothing a kid my age feared more than getting picked on by other kids . That 's when a bee buzzed by my face , and I swatted at it and came up with the stupidest thing I 'd ever said . Feeling myself sink deeper into the little pit I 'd started , not liking Freda 's weird , angry look , I pressed on . " Yeah , it 's for his condition . Doctor said bees ' knees spread in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich can help him walk . " The kid with the bat said , " Shut up , you freak ! " He turned to his evil companions . " Come on , let 's play ball . " The mean little group went off toward the baseball diamond . It was ten o ' clock the next morning before I hauled my butt out of the house to see what Freda was up to . I liked spending time with her . We 'd always been neighbors and best friends , since as far back as I can remember . Sometimes I wondered whether Freda was my girlfriend , or just my buddy . I guess it didn 't matter all that much , so long as we could bum around like we always had . Walking past Gerry 's house , I spotted him sitting in his front yard . His folks were always off working somewhere . It was so they could pay for his medical care , my dad once told me . There was supposed to be some sort of home nurse taking care of him , but I hardly ever saw her . Gerry called out with a big smile all over his little face . I stopped and nodded , careful to keep my face neutral . " What you doing ? " I asked . He sat in the middle of a big clover patch , his legs out in front of him , embraced by metal . In his hands he held a quart home - canning jar . I started to cuss at him , then remembered that line about the bees ' knees I 'd come up with the day before . My head got hot , and my heart started pounding like I 'd been running away from a rabid dog that wanted to eat me . I was afraid and sorry , and hated both feelings enough to lash out against them . I stopped eating my ice cream for a while so I could look at Freda . She was concentrating on getting the last bit of crushed pineapple from the end of the plastic bowl without disturbing the fudge - covered scoop of vanilla . Her tongue actually came out the corner of her mouth for a second . I thought that was great . I was careful not to bring the subject up while we walked home . It wasn 't that tough to pull off . I was so wrapped up with my own thoughts , thinking myself very mature for feeling something for my girl Freda , then thinking myself a little kid for getting ashamed about it . I ended up just plain confused . When we came around the corner there was an ambulance in front of Gerry 's house , its lights flashing . Right away we ran up to see what was going on . We got up to the back of the van just in time to see them putting Gerry inside , all strapped to one of those stretchers with legs and wheels . He lay still , either unconscious or dead . I figured there must be some life in him , or those two guys wouldn 't have been working him over like they were . The ambulance took off with a wail . That 's when we noticed there was a cop car there , too , but parked in my driveway with its lights off . We went over and saw a lady officer talking to my mom , who still had her work clothes on . " I saw him laying there with all those bees flying around , and I thought he was dead , " my mom told the cop . The cop nodded and patted Mom 's back , looking like a friend . Mom continued . " I yelled for the Dailey 's home care nurse to help me , but she just stood there screaming , so I got the hose and sprayed him until they went away , and here we are . " Mom 's never been mistaken for a big talker . She spoke when necessary , like when she had to tell somebody what the special was at the diner , but otherwise you just got the bare bones out of her . I guess the cop figured that out , because she flipped her notebook shut and turned around to get into her car . Seeing us , she came over instead . " Your friend Gerry 's been seriously hurt . From the looks of it , he knocked a nest of bees down in his back yard , and got attacked for it . It 's hard to run away on crutches , and he only got as far as the front yard . He 's been stung dozens of times , I 'm afraid . Do either of you know why he might want to do something like that ? Some sort of dare , perhaps ? " Freda and I , we stared at each other for a moment , then pretended like we didn 't know diddly . The cop had that face that parents wear when they know you 're lying , but can 't prove it . She didn 't challenge us , though . She got in the car and drove off after talking on the radio for a few seconds . Mom came over . I could see a few welts on her arms and hands , and one on her face ; she 'd not come out of the battle without being stung a few times herself . She told Freda to go home , and me to get in the car . We both obeyed , not willing to take on such an impressive warrior as Mrs . Kinzie , bee slayer . We drove to the hospital . All along the way there I hoped and prayed we were going to my dad 's office to tell him what had happened , or to the clinic so Mom could get her wounds looked at , but I knew better . Each turn we took leading away from some other possible destination , cut me right through to my heart . As we finally parked , I was practically shaking with fear and loathing . Inside , there was nothing to do but wait in a stuffy little room with gobs of chairs and a bunch of magazines about homes , gardens , the way families should live , and the rain forests of Brazil . I kept sticking my face in the magazines to smell the paper and ink instead of hospital smells . My stomach began to feel hollow , I got sleepy , and I had to go to the bathroom . In short , I was miserable . After that , Mom would go up to the counter every so often and speak with the nurse there . The nurse would call somebody up on a phone , shake her head and look sad , or go right on into the sorry expression without calling . Mom would tromp back and plop herself down next to me to wait ten minutes before going through the whole rigmarole again . The only time she broke from the pattern was to make a call on the pay phone down the hall . I guess she was letting my dad know where we were . At last , a couple hours after we arrived , a guy in a long doctor 's coat came out and spoke to the counter nurse , who in turn pointed at us . Mom went to meet him halfway . They spoke quietly for a while , then she started to get loud . I slouched down in my chair so I could hide behind a magazine . What was she doing , trying her very best to embarrass me to death ? So what if they wouldn 't let her see poor little Gerry Dailey ? It wasn 't like she was his mother . When his folks weren 't visiting us , she didn 't go out of her way to be his buddy or anything . She acted toward the gimp basically like all the kids he came into contact with , like she didn 't want to have to talk to him or even look at him . Like his condition was catching or something . So now she wanted to fight the hospital to see him ? Didn 't she think it was enough that his mom was in with him ? The shouting stopped . Good . Or maybe not , because the next thing I knew the magazine was ripped away from my face , and there she stood glaring down at me . " What ? " I sincerely had no idea this was coming . I was floored by these words , coming from somebody who - despite her faults - had always given me the impression she loved me . What had I ever done or said to make her think I had any interest in visiting Gerry ? Her face made up of many serious expressions , she said , " I had to fight to get permission for you to see Gerry . Now you get up and go visit him before I get upset . " Her voice , only slightly louder than a whisper , shouted at me . In the face of such power , one does not fight . One gets up and goes with the doctor who 's waiting . One follows along silently until he 's standing beside a hospital bed upon which lies a mummy . " If I walked in the roads , and stayed away from the dark things that were there , I could walk real fast . I didn 't try , but I bet I could 've run . " His smile got bigger . " Thanks for the bees ' knees , Ike . " " Uh , okay , don 't mention it . " With him ranting and raving like this , I bet he 'd spilled the whole story about what went on at the park the day before . That 's why the cop wanted to talk to us , and why my mom was being so weird . Gerry said , " It wasn 't long enough , though . I only walked around a little before my legs started to hurt a lot , everything got dark , and then I was back in my yard . I wanted to go back , so I figured I could get a whole lot of bees ' knees and stay for a while . " " Yeah , that nest . I figured I could put it in a gunnysack , then drown the bees in the bathtub . So I hit it with a broom , and they all came after me . I tried to run away , but they got me . " Well , I didn 't have a thing to say about that . I felt bad for Gerry , I really did . But I wasn 't his friend , so I couldn 't let on about my true feelings . Had it been Freda in the bed , I 'm sure I would 've been all over her , bawling my head off . All I could do here was stand and look at those moist eyes . " Okay . " I didn 't hear anybody , but I wasn 't going to argue the point . I was glad to hightail it out of that creepy room before Mrs . Dailey came back . Except at the door I had to stop . Gerry 's breathing was real loud . Listening to that sound , I knew he was on the way out . If I wanted to say I was sorry , I 'd best get it done now . But I didn 't know if I was really sorry for anything I 'd done . Sure , I had brought up the bees ' knees , but that was to save him from those mean kids , not to have him spaz out and try to eat a nest full of bees . So what was keeping me from going back to my mom and getting out of there ? What made me turn back around ? I could hardly see any of Gerry . A dark form , a wavering thing of smoke and shadows , floated above the bed , covering most of him . One of his bandaged arms stuck out of the darkness . The arm jerked about and the fingers clenched into a tight fist . Nurses and doctors came running from all directions . They pushed past me without the slightest concern for my safety . I heard , " Seizure ! Seizure ! " There were five people yelling at the same time . I hoped they could understand each other , because I hadn 't the slightest idea what they were saying . They worked frantically in the well - lit hospital room . If there were any big , smoky shadows in there , nobody noticed . We got the news later , at home . While I nibbled at macaroni and peas , my parents went to answer the doorbell . I heard talking , then they came to tell me Gerry had died from the toxins he 'd taken on from his two hundred some - odd bee stings . I lost what little appetite I 'd had . Neither Freda nor I went to the funeral , though we were both invited . We stayed home that day . I mean , each of us stayed in our own rooms , brooding about events in our own way . I spent a lot of time wondering how things would have turned out if I 'd smiled at Gerry every once in a while , returned some of the friendliness he was always trying to foist off on me . That night , Gerry came to my room . No , I don 't mean I dreamed about him . I mean I was woken up by the door squeaking open as he came in to stand beside me . Of course I freaked and jumped screaming out the other side of the bed . Gerry smiled and waved , opening his mouth to talk , then suddenly squawked in fear . A shadow rushed at him from behind me . It passed over and through me , instantly chilling me to the bone , then reared up before Gerry . I could see him dimly through the smoky shape ; he fell down and curled up in a ball , his arms coming up to cover his head . I heard a brief shriek of fear . Freda looked over at her stereo , then cocked her head back at me . " Okay , two points for you . But that 's art , Ike , and this is real . Why would some demon - or whatever - want to pick on Gerry ? " We went to the library after lunch . We hauled every book about demons we could find over to a big table . There we camped out until supper time , trying in vain to find answers to our odd problem . When at last we left for home , it was with four books each , the maximum they 'd let kids our age check out . With promises to each other to keep looking , we parted company in front of the Dailey house . I awoke to find Gerry standing over me , smiling down . My first instinct was to scream , but he stuck his hand out and touched me , and suddenly I couldn 't breathe . I lay there quaking as he leaned down very close to me . From somewhere a deep voice said , " No . " It may be I felt , rather than heard , the word uttered . Gerry lost the smile instantly and looked around furtively . Freda had been visited again , too . We sat on the front steps of her house , talking about what had happened . She looked very pale to me , and her temper had shortened quite a bit since yesterday . " You know what Gerry said to me ? " Freda asked , and without waiting for me to guess , answered her own question . " He said , ' Ike can help me , Freda . Tell Ike to save me . ' And then that freaky black thing was all over the place again . " Three boys came through the gate and up the walk . Two were guys I 'd had in classes at school , and the third was the mean kid with the baseball bat who 'd wanted to roll Gerry down the hill at the park . Only he didn 't look so mean now , just nervous and scared . All three kept casting glances over at the Dailey house . " What are you talking about ? " I said . " I don 't have any . . . Hey , how 'd you know he 's a ghost ? " The kid who hadn 't spoken yet said , " He 's been spooking us at night . He 's a monster now , and he 's got a pet , too . He says , ' Help me , Ike , ' over and over , and then it gets real cold , and then he takes his pet and leaves . " " Look ! " shouted the mean kid , all the evil coming back into his voice . " We heard about you forcing him to eat those bugs , Kinzie . Now you 've made him a monster , and he 's taking it out on us . You got to get him to stop , see ? " I 'd had about enough of that . I said , " Maybe if you weren 't so mean to him all the time he 'd still be around now . Maybe it was you , not me , that made him a monster . " " Yeah , right , scab . Listen , you get him off our backs , or we 're gonna be on yours , get it ? " The mean kid glared at me for a long moment , then he and his buddies turned and walked away . The park had the most bees anywhere , so that 's where I ran . It didn 't take me as long as Gerry , since I could move around a bit , but it was still an hour until I collected enough bees . I got forty , twice as many as he had . He said the effect didn 't last very long , and anyway I had two times his weight at least , so there you go . " Ike Kinzie , I 'd appreciate it if you wouldn 't go running off and leaving me . . . " She stopped , taking in me sitting there at the kitchen table with insect parts all around . " What are you doing ? " she asked . I slapped the peanut butter covered piece of bread atop the other , completing my sandwich . " I 'm not going to die , Freda . I won 't try to get a beehive or anything like that . This here 's it . " I said , " Look , if I 'd just been decent to Gerry when he was alive , and told them guys to stop bothering him , he 'd be all right . Instead , I wimped out , making up that stupid lie that he believed in . Sure , he ate the bees ' knees all on his own , but I put the idea there . So it 's my fault . " " No , it 's not your fault , Ike . Gerry was always weird , you know that . He tried too hard to force people to be his friends . " I managed to eat about three - quarters of the sandwich before reality faded . Everything got pitch black for a while . At first I thought I 'd blown it and simply passed out , then it occurred to me that I wouldn 't be thinking about it so rationally if that had happened . The blackness was eventually replaced by a dim , red light . It was nowhere near as bright as sunshine , but I could see where I was . I stood on a narrow road or a wide path . Dark shapes that might , indeed , be sticker bushes , rose on both sides . It was quiet , and very cold . Despite the low temperature , I couldn 't see my breath . I spun about with every intention of doing just that , my pulse suddenly racing , the cold reaching inside to squeeze my heart . A shadow ripped through the bushes ahead and blocked the path . I looked up into black nothingness , and trembled . Gerry came around to stand in front of me . He faced the monster and held his hands up . " Don 't hurt him , " he said . " He 's my friend ; he came to visit . " " Silence ! " the Dark Thing commanded . " It is my will to harm who I may in this my kingdom . That one may go , but you will stay and suffer by my side , child . " A part of the shadow form reached out and enveloped Gerry . He let out a strangled squawk that cut off abruptly . The shadow completely encasing him , he fell to the ground and writhed . I could dimly see his hands clench up , as if they belonged to some old person with an extreme case of arthritis . His body shook violently like he was having another seizure . " Let him go ! " I shouted . It was difficult to force the words out ; the cold spot around my heart had crept up to my throat , and nothing wanted to work right . Simply drawing a breath was a chore . " Be quiet and go ! " the Dark Thing retorted . " You have no say in what I do with my subjects , those unwanted fools who leave your world . Be gone , before you become mine as well . " I could hardly move , I was so cold and afraid . Somehow , I made it to my feet and pointed a finger at Gerry . " I - if you g - get the unwant - ted people , you can 't have him . H - he 's my friend . " " N - no . I don 't . I didn 't act friendly to Gerry when he was alive , and that was wrong . But he 's not completely gone , and now I want to be his friend . " I was getting warmer . It was easier to talk , too . I called out , " Gerry ! Gerry , can you hear me ? " " Listen , there 's something you need to know . I know how mean I was to you all the time , and I 'm sorry . I was a creep . I think I wanted to talk to you without really knowing it , but I was always afraid of what people would think of me . That business about the bees ' knees , that was just my way of trying to protect you without having to stick my neck out . I know now I should 've told those guys to stop bugging you instead of making up lies . I can 't take it back , now , but I want you to know I 'm sorry . " The darkness let go of Gerry . I ran over to him and knelt down to help him . " Here I am . Can you get up ? We need to get away while we 've got the chance . " His brow wrinkled up with effort . He shook his head . " Can 't do it , " he said . " I can 't feel my legs at all . " A cold wind suddenly blasted over us . I gasped and fell back on my haunches . The Dark Thing loomed overhead ; it had silently advanced while I spoke to Gerry , and now was close enough to touch . " This land is for those who are unwanted ! " it boomed from above . " I have no place for either of you . Begone ! " The thing turned and abruptly flew away , passing right through the nearest row of bushes and vanishing in the maze . Things got blurry . The red light dimmed to near total darkness . I had to stop and put Gerry down for a minute so I could get my bearings . " I know where we are . We 're leaving , going away from here . You 're going back to the living world , and I 'm moving on to someplace nicer than this . " " Yeah . " I thought of Freda . Was she waiting for me in my kitchen , all mad at me ? I smiled to think of that . " I guess there 's good people where I 'm going , too . " " Bye , Ike . " Gerry 's voice was so far away . I had to strain to hear his final words : " Keep close friends . You don 't want to come back here again . " He was gone , then , and I wasn 't far behind . The red light completely faded , leaving me in a sea of black . The last thing I saw before popping back into the real world was two glowing red eyes in the distance , staring menacingly at me . |
The summer raced by - the first half full of sweaty evenings and weekends working in an un - air - conditioned office with P ; he working on his phd dissertation and I on my thesis . We rarely saw anyone unless they were dropping by the office to say hello . Then P 's grandfather passed away , and a week later I was in a car accident that sadly totaled our car . These two events are enough to shake up anyone , but with the looming thesis deadline I had to keep working . Then P went away to Alaska for a workshop , and I went to my school for a week - long Capstone seminar to finish my thesis defense . Cue more long days - of academic presentations and intense focus . A day after finishing my Masters I flew to Alaska to meet P , but in true C and P fashion , our " vacation " was spent driving across the state , seeing beautiful glacier topped mountains , the ocean , and vast stretches of wilderness . It was an amazing experience , but not necessarily a restful one , as with daylight stretching until late in the night and early in the morning , we spent much of our time up and about , experiencing the countryside . Upon returning , work geared up . This year we have the largest number of international students ever - over 1000 at our small university , with only two administrators working on immigration and cultural programming for the students - the beginning of the school year , with international orientation and student registration , kept me moving at a fast pace . In addition I started two new campus - wide cultural - focused programs which took additional time . " What ? " I asked … I understood the Nepali words " thulo " meaning " big " and " manche " meaning " person . " I was certain she was trying to call me fat . " I 'm not a thulo manche ! " I protested . Last night was freezing cold . Probably the coldest night thus far this " winter " ( I use " " s since we haven 't had any snow , unless you count the freak Halloween storm ) . P picked me up from work , we went grocery shopping , and then came home . My December and January editions of National Geographic were waiting in the mailbox and it was one of those nights when you want to bury under a pile of thick blankets and read … which is exactly what I did as soon as we came through the door with the groceries . Instead of taking our dog right out and getting the chilly part of the evening over with , I thought I would warm up a bit with a cup of tea , curl up in a comforter and quickly skim through the magazines before taking him out . About an hour later , P and I were ready to start making dinner - pasta with veggies and alfredo sauce , so I put on my favorite sweat shirt and wrapped a warm scarf around my face and put on my winter coat and gloves , grabbed Sampson 's leash , and our apartment keys , and headed out the door . Sampson happily scampered out with me and waited for me at the top of each set of stairs . When I opened the downstairs door he burst into the crispy night air . It was dark , and no one was out , so I didn 't bother to put on his leash . We crossed the road to the sidewalk alongside the park and I gave him a few minutes to sniff around and pee , but it was cold and I was eager to get back inside . After a few moments I coaxed him back across the road . As usual he walked around the apartment parking lot , sniffing here and there . I walked up to the apartment door and called out for him to come , and heard his dog collar tag tingle tingle off to the side . I spotted him sniffing under a car along the wooden fence that separates our parking lot from the train tracks that run behind our building . Then I heard Sampson let out a little growl / bark , and I yelled over to him more urgently to come . It took a few tries before he started trotting over , and I briefly glimpsed a bit of white sneaking away through a hole in the fence . I figured Sampson was teasing a cat . Until I got a whiff of skunk . When Sampson reached me on the apartment stairs I bent down to smell his body and took in a deep breath of what I can only describe as a pungent burning tire kind of smell . It didn 't smell like the skunky smell you detect in the air when one gets hit by a car , or sprays something in the neighborhood , it was much more intense . Like it was literally burning olfactory cells in my nose . But I wasn 't 100 % sure , because it wasn 't distinctly skunky , just really horribly bad . It started by saying , " A fresh spray smells so bad it burns your nose . The closest comparison I can think of is the smell of burning rubber or plastic . If you or your pet gets sprayed it is important to work quickly to get the skunk oil out and neutralized . If you do not act quickly the smell can last up to 2 years ! " 1 . Before handling your dog , you may want to put on some old clothes . Skunk spray is actually an oil and is very difficult to remove from clothing . 3 . Determine where the spray hit the dog . Depending on your dog 's hair type , you may be able to trim away or comb out some of the affected hair . 4 . You can use paper towels to soak up the oils from the coat before you begin washing . Be careful not to spread the oils from one part of the dog to another . Only wipe where the oils are already to avoid making the problem worse . 5 . When you 're ready to wash the dog , only clean the sprayed area . Skunk spray is oily and can easily be spread all over the dog . You will most likely have to give the dog more than one bath , so save an all - over bath until the second or third washing . Well - I already failed with tip # 2 as it was freezing outside and we live on the top floor of an apartment building so I couldn 't leave him outside . As for tip # 3 , I tried to locate where on his coat he was sprayed , but I couldn 't find a wet oily spot anywhere . I tried to wipe him with a paper towel but since I couldn 't find the oil spot it didn 't work . I tried to call my Dad , who over Christmas break was telling us about how our old Black Lab Jack used to get in a lot of " wilderness " trouble before us kids were born , and how my dad and mom had to use pliers to pull porcupine quills from his face once . I figured he would have some advice , but he didn 't pick up the phone . Next I dialed my mother , but she also didn 't pick up . So we were on our own . I stripped down to a t - shirt and underwear , opened the glass panel of the shower and poured the marinara sauce all over the dog , little bits of tomato and garlic matting into his fur . Of course Sampson shook out his coat , as dogs do , sending tomato sauce splattering all over me and the walls of the shower . I imagined it looked a little like the shower after the murder in Psycho . I yelled at him , while reaching down to rub the sauce deeper into his fur , and he , in turn , happily started licking up the sauce that was floating around the bathtub . Next I called to P to give me the mouthwash . Again I figured it couldn 't hurt , and splashed blue minty alcohol over his head and back . Another rinse . Round three was shampoo . P emptied a bottle on his back from the safety of the opposite side of the glass shower door , while I used my nails to scrub the shampoo deep into his coats . I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed , then rinsed and rinsed and rinsed . We grabbed an old towel from the closet and soaked up the access water from his fur , and P took him out to the hallway to run back and forth a bit to dry off further . Finally P took a large canister of talcum powder that his dad always sends from Nepal and we coated him in it . I wasn 't sure if it would help but P insisted that at least it smelled nice . Our black pup temporarily became white ( " he looks like a skunk now " P mused ) , and again ran up and down the hallway , leaving puffs of powder in his wake . One of the anesthesiologists looked kind of Indian , and I tried to catch a glimpse of his name badge , but before we could say anything , he made note of P 's name on his paperwork and said , " Do you mind if I ask where you 're from ? " When P said " Nepal , " the doctor said that he was originally from Punjab . His last name incorporated the popular Sikh name " Singh " and he asked , " Do you know what that means ? " I think he expected P to answer and was surprised when I blurted out from the corner , " lion . " While P was gone I drove over to a store to buy a new thermos . P 's mother had been very adamant that in Nepal once a patient wakes up from surgery it is important that he has a cup of black tea right away . She seemed alarmed to hear that doctors in the US don 't give patients black tea right away and gave me the task of being ready with it in the hospital . I found a nice thermos , bought it , and took it to the bathroom for a good cleaning . Then I went to a nearby café to have them fill it with black tea and to have a little lunch . I was back in the hospital waiting room with time to spare before I was called back to the recovery area . When I saw P , his color looked a little off , a little greenish gray , so I figured he wasn 't feeling good from the anesthesia . A few years ago my mother had a surgery on her abdomen and when she woke up from the procedure she felt nauseas and vomited . He said his stomach was fine , but he still felt disoriented , and he was most worried about the stairs . He looked so fragile in the hospital bed , with a small oval thermometer sticker attached to his forehead , his leg wrapped in an ice " cryo - cuff " and brace , and his grayish coloring . I told him not to worry about the stairs yet and asked the nurse if I could give him some tea . I wanted to fulfill the duties that Mamu charged me with . As the medicine wore off P became more coherent and more nervous about the stairs . " There is no way I 'm going to make it up there ! " he kept fretting . I wasn 't sure what to do , since I didn 't want to push him , but I also felt it would be better to be home and have him resting in his own space . My mother had called me the night before arguing with me that we should either go to my sister 's apartment in Rhode Island because " at least she has an elevator ! " ( never mind that she lives in a studio and is a student whose schedule wouldn 't be conducive to having a surgical patient sleep over , or that it was almost an hour away so it would be impossible for me to check on him during the day or help him at lunch ) or a hotel . " Don 't be stubborn ! " she scolded me , " What if he is permanently damaged because you insisted he goes up those stairs , and he never walks right again ! " Thanks for making me less worried mom . She agreed with me that home was probably the best option , since a patient feels most comfortable in their own space . She said that she could give him a shot of a heavy duty pain killer that might help get him up the stairs . She took me to the hospital staircase and we played with the crutches until we found the best way to make it up on one leg and I felt a little more confident . As we walked back to the recovery area she said in a hushed tone , " I shouldn 't tell you this but , just try your best to get him up , and if you can only make it half way , call the fire department , they can carry him the rest of the way . " It was nice to have a fall back " plan B " although I was afraid I 'd be charged for calling the department for a non - emergency . After about an hour and a half in recovery it was time to make the trip home . Two friends had agreed to help me and as per the nurse 's instructions our plan was to get P up the stairs one flight at a time with someone standing behind him and someone standing in front of him in case he got woozy from his meds or exhaustion and started to fall . My plan was to put a rolling desk chair at the top of each flight so that he could sit and catch his breath , and we could wheel him to the next section . Even though P was worried , he took each step in stride . I showed him how the nurse recommended he use the crutches , and our friends stood close by to catch , although luckily it didn 't come to that . Slowly he made it up each section of the stairs . I was so relieved when we got to the top ; we had him sit in the computer chair one last time and we wheeled him across the hallway down to our apartment door , then onwards to our bedroom . We got him propped up in bed , and he seemed okay . Whatever wonder drug the nurse gave him seemed to work magic wonders because he said he barely felt any pain in his leg . The next day was a totally different story . P seemed to be in excruciating pain . His whole leg was throbbing and even the slightest movement made him grimace and writhe in pain . I thanked our lucky stars that we got him up the stairs the day before , because he never would have made it up the second day . He could barely sit up in bed , let alone get up and go to the bathroom . Before going to work I made a thermos of tea , brought him fresh cut fruit , a large bottle of water , pain medication and ice packs . I bought a small styrofoam cooler to store ice packs in so he could manage changing the ice while I was away . I came back at lunch to make food and check on his status , refresh his ice packs , drinks , etc . , and then by the time I got home from work the poor kid was sitting in the dark because he was in too much pain to get to a light switch - so I pulled a lamp over so I wouldn 't forget the following day . The past two weeks have been busy helping him out . One day he even said , " You are really working your wedding vows aren 't you ? ' In sickness and in health … ' " But he has been a pretty good patient , and he is definitely getting stronger . He has been moving around the apartment a lot more on his crutches , and the past few days I 've even noticed he fixed himself some stuff in the kitchen before I got home for my lunch break . It has also been nice to have good friends around . Our Nepali friend from P 's academic program offered to come over during the day that first week and work from our apartment so that he could help P when I was at work . Our friend S - di cooked Nepali comfort foods like kwanti ( bean soup ) and Nepali style chicken soup ( meaning there were large chunks of chicken , not just chicken broth ) . Other friends would come for visits to check in and lift his spirits . Back in June I mentioned in this post ( " Weird thing # 1 " ) , that P had done something to mess up his knee . At the time we didn 't really know what it was and our primary care physician assumed P had a ligament issue . Since then I 've mentioned P 's leg problem here and there . His knee problem was almost cyclic . For a few days he would feel pretty good , even gaining confidence to walk around a bit on it , and then he would have days when he was in a lot of pain , and barely wanted to put weight on it . Luckily he felt okay during our wedding weekend , but plenty of other times during the summer he didn 't , which kept him fairly homebound . Most days he didn 't feel well enough to walk to his office , but on the days he did feel okay he was too nervous to push his leg and stayed home anyway . In Nepal we wouldn 't go anywhere unless he could take a taxi from point A to point B with minimal walking effort . P is a really active guy . For most of his life he has played soccer at least a few times a week . Being housebound all summer has been a real psychological blow . His leg problem cascaded into a series of other issues related to a lack of exercise - a pinched nerve in his neck from sitting in a computer chair working too much , headaches , his legs have lost a lot of muscle mass and are smaller than I 've ever seen . For a while he was in a real mental funk . He was thinking that his leg would never be the same , and he might have to give up soccer , or not be as active , for the rest of his life . This isn 't the case , but it was tough seeing P in such a low mood when he is the one in our relationship who is always consistently " okay . " What 's a meniscus ? I certainly didn 't know either … The meniscus consists of two connecting pads of cartilage at the knee joint in between the thigh bone ( femur ) and lower leg bone ( tibia ) . The cartilage helps prevent friction in the joint between the two bones . The doctor gave P a copy of the cd with his MRI images . He and I would look at the images like they were ancient hieroglyphic texts ; they didn 't make any sense to us . Of course the American doctors explained the images to P at an appointment , but it wasn 't until we met up with one of P 's high school friends in KTM ( who happens to be a leg surgeon ) that we had the images fully explained . He came over and sat in P 's family 's living room , and while Mamu supplied him with cups of chai and bowls of nuts and sweets , P 's friend went through the MRI images on P 's laptop , slice for slice , and showed us exactly where the tear was located and how the surgical procedure to fix the problem would be done . Apparently cartilage doesn 't receive a lot of blood flow , and for body tissue to properly heal it needs to have a flow of blood to help bind the tissues together . The outer edges of the meniscus have blood , but the inner portions have very little . Thus a small outer tear can heal , but if the tear is too deep or long , then it might not properly reconnect . P 's tear was straight through ( of course , we are the bad - luck - juju family ! ) , and the pain he was feeling was from the broken meniscus flap moving . When the flap was out of the way P felt pretty good , but if the flap wedged into the knee joint , he wouldn 't feel so hot . Additionally a small cyst formed near the injury which also caused pain when the joint moved back and forth . P 's friend explained that during the surgery the doctor would probably shave a bit of the meniscus to see if it bleeds . If it does , then he might try stitching it to see if the edges will re - attach . This procedure takes a lot longer to heal , but protects the knee joint longer into old age . If it doesn 't heal after a month or two , then P might need a second surgery . So tomorrow I 'm taking a personal day from work and I 'll be at the hospital with P . I 'm not that nervous about the surgery , I 'm more nervous about getting P home . We live in a building that used to be an old three story Catholic school . The apartments are converted old classrooms with 12 foot high ceilings . That means that even though we are on the third floor we have to walk up six flights of stairs , and there are no elevators . I 'm not sure how I am going to get P up all those stairs with crutches and a cast . Meanwhile P 's family is worried in Nepal . They have called every day this week to check in . Last night P 's dad asked if an ambulance could bring him home and paramedics could bring him up all those stairs on a stretcher . P explained to him that ambulances can only be used for " medical emergencies " and insurance wouldn 't cover carrying a post - surgical patient to his apartment because there was no elevator . Meanwhile P 's mom wanted me to make a long list of things to bring to the hospital including black tea ( in Nepal after someone wakes up from surgery they are supposed to drink black tea ) and extra blankets . First things first . I don 't mind dealing with sticky situations , particularly when I am on my own . I deal with it and its over . The worst thing is dealing with a problem when you have an audience , especially an audience you want to make a good impression on . It makes the whole issue more stressful and feel 100 times more terrible ( then it might actually be ) . I was dreading getting the car inspected , because I was a little worried about the tires . With all the wedding expenses , the last thing I wanted to do was shell out for new tires , but if I had to do it I would . So I got my oil changed and asked my regular oil change guy to do a quick once over to make sure everything looked okay before I paid someone to do an inspection . The mechanic said it looked fine , that one or two of the car tires would probably need to be changed 6 months down the road , but we were good for now . P and I had recently noticed a whir whir noise from one of the tires and I asked the guy about it . He said that my alignment was probably off a bit , the tires were wearing down a bit differently , but it could be fixed later . So the next day I took the car to the inspection place , paid the inspection fee , and hoped that this guy also felt the tires were fine . The car passed with no issues what - so - ever . I even asked him about the tires specifically and he said , " In a few months , but for now you are fine . " ( He even said something like , " The tires fail at 2 or 3 , your 's are at 7 or 8 . " ) Phew , just the answer I was hoping for . Things were going fine . We even caught a good percentage of the local fireworks show while filling gas at the station before getting on Interstate 90 east towards Boston . There was more traffic than usual for that time of night , probably holiday traffic , but we were cruising along . P 's parents eventually zonked out in back , and we could hear their gentle snoring from the front . Right as we passed the first toll booth upon entering the greater Boston area , right where the highway starts to narrow and the shoulder disappears , there was a loud pop ( which woke up P 's parents and started them asking questions ) and then everything got bumpy and loud . I was in the fast lane , and had to move to the right hand side of the road , but didn 't know what to do . The tire seemed to have completely collapsed , so I didn 't think it would make it even a few feet down the road ( trust me , I tried , frantically ) and I wasn 't sure where the road would gain a shoulder again . Not sure what to do we put our hazard lights on , and I tried to call roadside assistance . I quickly popped out of the car and assessed the wheel before jumping back in . While I was distracted by the phone , I think P was busy watching all the cars zipping by and realizing how dangerous our position was on the road . He jumped out of the car , and had his parents jump out , and they climbed over the guard rail and up the embankment to give them and the car some space in case someone came whipping through and smashed the car . He kept calling for me to get out . I was trying to get through to roadside assistance , meanwhile feeling completely mortified . I didn 't want P 's parents to think I was an incompetent driver , or had done something wrong . I knew I didn 't hit anything . A few minutes later a Peter Pan bus pulled up behind us , and I half thought that U had spotted us on the road and asked the bus to pull over and let him out , but the bus driver was actually pulling over to tell us to get out of the vehicle , " One tractor trailer comes through and doesn 't see you , and you are all dead . Get up the hill , I 'll call the police for you . " So now we are all standing on the hill . I 'm watching the sky ( it was raining about 15 minutes before ) , and finally getting through to roadside assistance , when a police car pulled over and started yelling at us ( what is with police and yelling at me this week ? ) I was trying to juggle the roadside lady on the phone and talk to the police , but instead of explaining anything he just kept yelling through his window , " Get in your car , get in your car right now and drive . You want to get us all killed ? " " I don 't care if your tire is flat . Your car will drive clear to California on a flat tire , now get in your car and drive . This is incredibly dangerous . Never stop on an active road way . So we hustled P 's parents into the car and jumped in . I 'm now super flustered , the police officer , with his lights on , is still yelling at us but now through his loud speaker , " drive forward , just drive . " And the tire is so broken the entire car is shimmying , shaking and rattling as I ease her down the slow lane . I 'm still flustered , and mortified , and the police is still yelling at us through the loud speaker to " keep moving , " while P 's worried parents are asking us questions , " What 's going on ? Isn 't that a police officer ? Why is he yelling ? " Somewhere along the line the roadside assistance operator asked me if she could put my call on hold - " What does that mean ? Are you going to call back ? " I asked . " No . " she said - and I dropped my phone somewhere in the car . After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time , the cop advised us that the shoulder had widened enough for us to pull over . I promptly jumped out of the car and walked back to him . He said gruffly , " Never ever stop on the road . Your life is worth more than a tire rim . " " The car will always drive … on a flat , on a rim , on a damaged rim … always keep going . I called a tow truck , you 'll be fine here . " And he sped off , offering little in the way of comfort or additional help / advice . P had us walk back up the embankment . I again looked at the sky hoping it wouldn 't rain . The ground was a little wet , and I went to the trunk to get out the towel we usually have in the back seat for our dog to sit on so that Mamu , Daddy and P could sit down , but no one wanted to . " The police officer just drove away ? " P 's dad asked , bewildered . " He could have stayed with the lights , to keep us safe , no ? " We sat waiting for ten minutes , and I said to P , " This is ridiculous , I know how to change a tire , lets just do it and get on our way . " But P was worried about the busy highway . No doubt he had visions of a car whacking me while I was on hands and knees changing a tire , killing me or injuring me a week before our wedding . It seems our luck is going that way . I convinced him that if we could get the car on part of the embankment , and off the road , I could change the tire , and so we arranged the car . I whipped out the spare , and went to work trying to jack the car . Like I said , I 've done this before - but not with P 's parents squatting nearby watching my every move . They were just trying to be helpful , but it was making me more stressed out , making me worry about failing in front of them . And lo and behold , just as the car seemed nearly jacked up , the dirt embankment buckled and the car shifted forward , wedging the jack sideways . I had to unscrew it and readjust all over again . I found what was a solid spot , and started again , sitting in the dirt on the side of Interstate 90 , twisting the jack slowly by hand . Just as the car almost seemed high enough to work , the soil buckled and the car lurched again . I reasoned with P - we had to move the car so at least one of the tires was on the pavement . " Fine , " P agreed , but I think he was also loosing faith , and had started calling roadside assistance back . I started all over again , with P 's dad crouching near me . I really wanted to get that damned tire off , and fixed myself . I wanted to be the hero to save our crummy situation . If I had to be humiliated as the driver when something stupid like this happens , at least let me be the one to fix it , and win some " Wow , did you know C could change a tire ? How impressive ! " points . But my two previous failures seemed to be making that less of a possibility . Before I could get the car jacked a third time , this time on the pavement , a tow truck showed up ( sent by the angry police officer ) . The guy quickly used his giant jack to hoist the car , changed the tire , and fit the spare . He showed us that in fact the inside of my tires were worn to oblivion ( " But I just got my car inspected last week and it passed with no problems ! " I told the guy , " Well , this shouldn 't have passed " he responded ) and had literally blown open . I felt like an idiot , P 's parents were watching , P was stressed out too , U was stuck at the train station ( and supposedly " starving " - he texted us just after we left asking us to bring food , but we had already left . " It 's just another hour and a half , " I told P , " He will be fine until we get home . Then he can eat Mamu 's cooking " famous last words ) , and the whole thing took us an hour or more to fix . I 'm sure P and I probably felt worse about it then U , Mamu or Daddy . We were embarrassed , tired , and frustrated . The whole situation made it seem like our car is in bad shape , and we are reckless . They were quite chatty on the way home , while P and I drove in near silence . We were both listening to every noise , worried that another tire would blow . Why do these stupid things happen when you least want them to ? Any other time would have been better … although as I write this , perhaps better now than next weekend on the way to one of our weddings ! P and I went to Philly about a month ago to help P 's brother shift apartments . After our trip P 's knee started bothering him . He is usually a pretty active guy . He walks to school every day , plays soccer with friends a few nights a week , likes taking our dog out to the park , not to mention we live on the third floor of a building with 12 foot high ceilings , so there are six flights of stairs to get up and down every day with no elevator option . After the Philly trip , he wasn 't his usual active self - and he kept complaining about his knee , and how it almost hurt too much to make it down the stairs and to school . After a few days of limping around , we decided to take him to the doctor 's , who recommended that he get an x - ray . At the end of the week the doctor called and said , " We found something on the x - ray , come in on Monday to talk about it . " Well , nothing freaks you out more than hearing a doctor say , " We found something , come see us in three days . " So P worried all weekend , afraid to walk anywhere . On Monday he went in and the doctor said he had early signs of arthritis in both of his knees ( probably from the years and years of soccer playing ) , but the immediate pain was from a pulled ligament . There wasn 't too much more he could do but curtail his activity , ice his leg , and rest . He worked from home a few days , and didn 't leave the house much . For an active guy , that 's tough . He hasn 't played soccer in over a month , which is also really tough . His spirits are a bit lower than normal because of all this - at a time I would hope his spirits would be high with all the wedding prep : ( P 's leg was enough to worry his parents in Nepal , but then a week after before his parents were due to depart , another issue arose . Originally it was decided that P 's aunt , J Phupu , would stay back in Nepal to watch his grandfather who is very agile and able bodied , but also nearly 90 . J Phupu came during the last visit in 2008 , but it was decided that staying home this time was for the best . Well - she was in the market near New Road , KTM around June 17th , and tripped on some smushed fruits on the ground , and broke her knee . She called P 's dad and mom who took her to the hospital where she had to have surgery ( 3 pins put in her knee ) . P 's parents final week in Nepal was busy running around picking up last minute wedding stuff , attending another relative 's wedding , and helping J Phupu with her surgery , medical information and getting her home and moving around on crutches . She is feeling better , but will be on crutches for six weeks . Of course it was terrible that it happened at all , but the timing of it made it all much more of a headache . P said that if his parents were coming for anything other than our own wedding , they probably would have cancelled or at least postponed their trip . Tuesday morning we decided to start the day off with a few early morning errands , and because of all the stairs in our apartment , we generally try to consolidate tasks so we don 't have to go up and down so many times . This particular morning we decided to bring our dog Sampson out for a walk , then bring him with us in the car over to Staples to pick up the wedding programs we had printed , then we were going to go to a local shoe store to pick up a pair of shoes the doctor recommended for P 's budding arthritis , and then we were going to wash and vaccum our car . Since most of the store visits where quick " in and outs , " with the windows rolled down a bit , we figured Sampson would be fine even though it was sunny and warm . We walked Sampson , no problem . We went to Staples and picked up the programs , no problem . Next we went to the small " mom and pop " shoe store . No sooner did we walk in the store ( literally three minutes later ) , there was a giant crash outside . A construction crew was paving the small parking lot of the restaurant next door and one of their paving vehicles backed into a telephone pole , which just so happened to have a weak , rotting base , and the whole thing came crashing down within inches of our car . Had we arrived just a few moments later the pole could very well have landed on P getting out of the passenger side door . We were relieved that we were safe , and the car only had minimum scuffing from the wire ( when it could have easily been damaged more by the pole and the light affixed to the pole ) , and that Sampson was okay inside the car . But as ten minutes turned into half an hour , turned into forty - five minutes we started becoming less relieved and more worried that the strong sun and heat of the day would start cooking our poor pup in the car . I made sure I told the police and firemen right away about our dog , so they knew there was more of an imminent reason to fix the issue quickly . However the electric company took what seemed like forever - about an hour - to arrive on the scene . Now , my father was an electric lineman for most of my life , and I grew up watching his safety demonstrations with " rocky the raccoon " during state fairs and other events ( where a fake raccoon toy , attached to a wooden pole , would get into mischief around live wires and wind up fried to a crisp to warn kids about the dangers of electric lines ) . I know the real life dangers of live electric wires a little too well - one of my dad 's best friends had both of his arms blown off in a work accident that nearly killed him . But I was also worried about my dog , so I was standing near enough to the car to see him through the window and to make sure that he was okay , and hadn 't started acting funny from the heat . A female police officer had told me to " move away from the car , " but a little while later I got close again to check in on Sampson . The female officer again yelled over to me , and I answered , " I 'm just checking in on my dog , I won 't touch anything . " ( at that point I wasn 't even that sure she knew there was a reason I was looking in the car ) . The officer must have thought I was trying to sass her ( which I wasn 't , honestly , I just was giving a reason why I kept checking in ) , and she got right in my face , pointing fingers and yell / scolding me " Listen ma ' am , I 'm only going to tell you this once . STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE . If you touch that car and zap yourself you will sue me for not doing my job , so go sit over on the curb with your boyfriend or whoever it is . " Now in tears - from stress ? From worry ? From being picked on unnecessarily by a uniformed officer - I sat down with P , rubbing my eyes and sniffling while we watched the line crew wait around for a bucket truck to come and cut the power . Another fifteen minutes ticked by . " It 's okay " P reassured me , " Don 't cry . I can see the top of Sammy 's head , he will be fine . They will get the wire off soon . " After almost an hour and twenty minutes they finally cut the power , took the wire off the car , and we were able to free Sampson . We brought the hot , and scared dog into the shoe store for some air conditioning and water . The police officer came in to lecture me again , saying , " If your dad is a lineman you should know better . " ( Thanks ma ' am , I bit my tongue to keep myself from saying I didn 't want to talk to her and probably getting a fine or something from sassing an officer . ) The shoe store owner gave P a 20 % discount on the shoes for his " troubles , " and we headed home . The rest of the day it was tough to focus on cleaning , and we didn 't get too much accomplished . Luckily Wednesday we woke up early and worked our butts off before driving to the airport to pick up P 's parents . |
The last two days have served as a reminder of the fact that I now board at a bigger barn than I 've ever experienced before - and that there are both pros and cons to that . Yesterday I had a lesson around lunchtime , which turned out to be a very busy time - I guess because it was a gorgeous day , and the day before had been so cold . ( There 's definitely something to be said for riding when poor weather keeps everyone else away . ) I was the second rider into the outdoor arena , but within ten minutes ' time , we had several more join us . At one point we had five or six horses in the arena at once ! Now , Panama and I have shared with one or two other horses before , but never that many . And to make things worse , one of those horses was his buddy Spaghetti , the little 4 - year - old gruella mustang he sometimes gets turned out with . Spaghetti 's owner , a girl in her early 20s who seems inexperienced but doesn 't have a trainer working with her to make up for it , wasn 't really doing much with him , so every time Panama would pass he 'd turn to face us and I 'd have to hustle Panama by him . I was pretty sure that Spaghetti wanted to play , and would have tried right then and there , crowded arena notwithstanding , if he 'd had the chance . Panama did pretty well sharing the arena with so many horses . Spaghetti left fairly early on , so we didn 't have to worry about that particular distraction for too long . PT , a 4 - year - old mare Panama also likes quite a bit , was in there with a rider too , but Panama got over that pretty quickly . I was pretty pleased with how well he did . In truth , I 'm the one who has a harder time with sharing an arena . I actually worry about it quite a bit . I 'm just now learning the rules and etiquette , as I 've never had to worry about it before . Also , as someone who used to be very shy , I quail at the thought of calling out " inside " or what - have - you to other riders . I 'll get over it , but like most things relating to my natural shyness , it will take some getting used to . Today was a much different sort of day . I got out to posted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 10 PM Today was one of those perfect rides . Heck , it was a perfect day ( in terms of the barn , I mean ) . It had to be one of the top five rides I 've ever taken on Panama , right up there with some of the best trail rides we 've ever been on . It was simply magical . The thing is , we really didn 't do that much . Most of what we did was walking , with a little bit of trotting in there . It was just really amazing walking ! I should have known immediately what kind of day it was going to be . I parked in front of Panama 's corral as usual , and then went into the tack room to get his halter . When I came back out , he was standing right at the gate , clearly waiting for me . I put him in the cross ties and got to work grooming and tacking him up . He did everything I asked , when I asked and exactly how I asked . ( There was a little hiccup when I accidentally collapsed the wall - mounted saddle rack while putting the saddle on it . He cat jumped backwards in the cross ties and looked at me with alarm . I just laughed it off and banged it around some more , and he relaxed . He really does look to me for guidance , though - he was braced and all ready to pull back , just waiting to see whether I 'd give him any indication he should . ) Although it was only about 28 degrees outside , in the indoor arena it was just barely warm enough to take off my jacket and ride in my sweatshirt and gloves . We shared the arena with one other horse and rider , one of the older women at the barn and her mare . I don 't know if Panama it was the mare 's influence , or if it 's because I was chatting with her owner as we rode , but Panama was the most relaxed I 've seen him in the indoor . He lowered his head , walked more slowly , and when we did trot , he kept a nice , even pace ( something we have a hard time with in there ) . I was even able to give him more rein than usual without him constantly trying to speed up . He also responded very well to my leg yields , with very few instances of confusing it as a request to trot . Whatever I thought , he did ; wherever I thought , he went . We rode forposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 24 PM Last night , Michael and I were hanging out at a local bookstore , and I was flipping through a book by Cherry Hill : How to Think Like a Horse . ( I love Cherry Hill 's books - this one didn 't seem like one I needed to buy , but I 'm checking it out from the library to finish reading it . ) At one point , Hill was describing the behavior a buddy - bound horse will exhibit - e . g . , whinnying to his buddy on trail rides if he loses sight of them - and I thought , That 's how Panama behaves toward ME . He really does . Instead of running when I turn him out in the arena , he often wants to hang out with me , and will keep trying to come back to me until I let him . And if I leave him alone in the cross ties , he 'll whinny to me , like he 's asking where I am . ( I always say something back to him , which probably also helps to encourage the behavior . ) Today I was telling my trainer about my " discovery , " and she said she wasn 't surprised . ( She always calls him a mommy 's boy . ) Then she said , " Did they say how to fix it ? " I was a bit taken aback . I was actually proud that he is so bonded to me , and it even said in the book that the goal is to get your horse to bond to you instead of another horse , so that they 'll trust you more on rides . My trainer , however , seems to think that Panama isn 't trusting us enough . Today she was desensitizing him to her coat , throwing it over his head to cover his eyes . She told me she wants me to work with him with a coat every day , and not say anything to him while I 'm doing it , or even laugh . But while she was working with him , he freaked out and actually knocked her down in order to run away from it . It was agonizing to watch - I know how attuned Panama is to my voice , and I could actually feel how much he wanted some verbal reassurance . But she withheld the praise until the very end , so that for a while all he got was snapped at when he wasn 't doing it right . I sensed that my trainer was short on patience today , when she rode as well as during the coat incident , and as a result it was a very frustrating sessposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 06 PM I 've been reading Jane 's blog for some time now , ever since I met her through another book giveaway . I 've heard a lot about her current horse , Gilly , but I 'd never heard about her " first love . " This is the last of the stories I received about horses that touched the author 's life in some way . I hope you enjoyed all the stories as much as I did ! My First LoveThe first horse , my first love , was one my dad bought for me when I was 9 years old . My mother had died the year before and my dad was going out west to look for work . I was to stay with my aunt , my dad 's older sister , on a farm . I think he got me the horse to help me get over the loss of my mother and him going away for awhile . I loved that horse with everything I had in me , I had loved horses since the first one I ever remember seeing at age 3 . Old Prince , our neighbors big sorrel work horse ; I saw him every day , a big red gentle giant . I had Trigger for 11 years , my best friend whose velvety red ears knew all my secrets , a snow white mane that dried all my tears and a strong back that carried through those hard years . You see my father died 6 months after he had gotten me Trigger . That beloved horse carried me through a lot of sorrow in my early life and I will always be grateful to him for that . I sold Trigger when I went away from home and no longer had a way to care for him . He went to a wonderful home to a girl of 12 , who loved him as much as I did . I kept in touch with the people who bought him and went to see him when he was 17 years old . My daughter , who was two at the time , got to sit on his back . A year later , Trigger passed away . They found him in the field and don 't know what happened . He is buried on that farm , but he lived on in my heart as a horse that helped heal the pain of childhood . Labels : horse stories The next story talks about the author 's earliest memories of horses . Sydney has an excellent blog called Bitless Horse : Science VS Tradition . She also makes gorgeous horse hair jewelry at very fair prices - wow ! HorsaiiThere are some of us that are born with a desire to break the bank , spend endless hours in the worst weather conditions , forget sleep and most of all ourselves for a chance to be with horses . There are those that grow out of it and those that never think of anything else but horses . I recall the first time I saw a real horse that I can remember . I am sure there were times before this but none as vivid as this one . . . To read the rest of Sydney 's story , click here . Labels : horse stories Today has been incredibly , insanely windy . Luckily , that meant when Michael and I went to the barn just before lunchtime , it wasn 't very busy . On the down side , though , it also meant that when I rode Panama in the indoor , we had a lot to work through . I have to admit , it was nice having the indoor arena , where we could get out of the wind . That 's half the reason I rode - it was too cold and windy outside to do anything else . But Panama was quite anxious about the sound of the wind against the walls , and I don 't blame him - if I didn 't know better , I would have thought the wind was going to blow the building down around us , too . On top of the wind , one of the guys who does a lot of work around the barn decided to water down the footing ( which gets very dusty if it 's not kept damp ) while I and one other rider were in the arena . The other rider , who ( as I understand it ) took a bad fall a year or two ago , and is just now riding starting to ride again , quickly gave up trying to ride . Between the wind and the hose - wielding man walking around the arena , she was too worried about what her mare would do . I stuck with it . I did make some concessions - I gave up trying to make Panama stand by the mounting block so I could mount , because every time I got him into position , the wind would throw sand against the side of the building and Panama would dance away from me again . So I let Michael hold his reins while I mounted from the ground . I wanted to just get up because , despite my falls , I am starting to feel more in control on his back than I am on the ground . Once I was on , I made him do circles , small figure 8s , turns on the forehand , etc . - anything to engage his brain and make him shift his focus to ME instead of the wind . It worked ! He was still nervous , but he stopped seriously freaking out , and during our 30 - or 40 - minute ride , was able to gradually relax . We didn 't do anything other than walk today , since my trainer doesn 't want us to let him trot until he 's relaxed and focused , and by the time I really got him toposted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 11 PM The next horse story in the lineup is Sally 's story of Buck and Chester . Although this story is about two different horses , they are irrevocably connected , as you will see . Be sure to also check out Sally 's wonderful horse blog , Arab Crazy Family ! Buck and ChesterFor as long as I can remember , I was horse crazy . When I was still very young , my parents lost their farm and we had to move into town . This turn of events did not help a young , horse - crazed girl . I substituted by playing " horse " almost constantly . I would run around the yard like a wild mustang , bolt around the park like a young colt in spring . When it was raining , I was inside playing with the endless collections of little plastic horses I had . . . I drove my parents crazy ! When I reached the tender age of thirteen , mom and dad finally had enough money for another farm . It was a much smaller farm at eight acres , but I began to clamor very LOUDLY for a real horse once we got moved . My mom promised that as soon as we got settled , we 'd start looking . I started packing that very night . We got moved , we got settled , the real horse didn 't come . Mom said we just didn 't have the money . I begged , bargained , pleaded , made outlandish promises , and finally - I cried . That broke my mother 's heart , and we started looking right away . We looked far and wide , my mom had an idea of what was to be my first horse and she was not about to get me any horse that was not " safe . " Finally , after months of searching , my mom and dad bought me an old appaloosa / quarter horse cross named Buck . ( I found out a few years ago they had to get a loan from the bank , sniff . ) Buck was sent to us from heaven . I learned so much about life on the back of that horse . He listened to all the rants and tradgedies of a teenage girl 's life and I believe he was truly happy . I got older , and Buck got older . I got married , started a family and Buck stayed at my old home . My children learned to ride Buck . One night , my dad called me and said I better come out . Buck had a stroke - he was pushing thirty five posted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 35 PM For the first time in a while , I have friends at the barn with whom I can share my hobby . Yesterday , I met Voodoo 's mom out at the barn in the morning , and we let them play together for a while . Then she lunged him in the arena , while I hopped on Panama and rode bareback for a little while at the other end . It was a nice , companionable way to spend a morning at the barn . Voodoo 's mom is seven months pregnant right now , so it 'll be a couple of months until she is able to ride again . I 'm looking forward to having someone to trail ride with in the summer . I 've also made other friends at the barn with whom I should be able to ride when the weather warms up and the trails dry out , but it 's Voodoo 's mom I look forward to riding with the most . It 's so nice to have horsey friends at the barn - something I really missed at the private residence where I used to board ! Labels : barn life As promised , as a follow - up to Berte 's story yesterday , here is Theresa 's story of the brown mare named Prissy . Theresa 's blog is Always Rushing Around , and is more than just a horse blog - she also has two adorable little girls she blogs about ! My Little Brown MareFlashy she was not . She stood about 14 . 2 hands , not very tall . She was sorrel . She was registered as a red dun , but that was a stretch . She was just brown . Aside from a few stray hairs in the middle of her forehead she didn 't have a white hair on her body . Her mane was always thin and she didn 't have much of a forelock to speak of . In so many ways she was nothing but an ordinary little brown mare . But I knew her better . I want to talk about my little brown mare . My mom tells me that she saw Prissy acting like a fool out in the pasture and decided that she was the one she had to have . So she bought her for $ 500 on April 25 , 1987 . I was eight years old . Prissy was not yet broke when my parents brought her home . You couldn 't even get a halter on her . I can remember my mom sitting in the stall with Prissy with a bucket of food just waiting patiently until Prissy decided to come to her . Mom would later send Prissy to a trainer who had her for a minimal amount of time . When he returned her he said , " She never even bucked . I just got on her and started riding . " To read the rest of the story of Prissy and Theresa , click here . Labels : horse stories I 'll start with the very first person to email me her horse story : Berte of RiverBend Farm . She sent me her story , which is also on her blog : Goodbye Ol ' GirlThis is a very hard post for me to write as it has been a very hard week . Today we said goodbye to Prissy . As you might have read in my original post , horses have always been a love in my life since I was a little girl . On April 25 , 1987 , entered Prissy , a young 13 month old that had my heart the minute I saw her raise her head out of a herd and rear up as if to say " just come see if you can catch me " . Little did I know at that time , how many hearts this amazing horse would touch and the effects she would have on our lives . To read the rest of Berte 's post about Prissy , click here . Try to use restraint and don 't click over to Theresa 's story just yet , though , as that happens to be tomorrow 's story ! Labels : horse stories My leg is slowly improving , and I now have more mobility than I had a few days ago . This means I can get around better and faster ( which makes Panama happy , as he was quite impatient with my slow hobble ) . I had a lesson yesterday and although I didn 't ride long or do much ( posting still fatigues me , and leg yielding with the left leg while posting is challenging ) , I had a major light bulb moment . My trainer has been having me work on spiralling Panama in and out . Part of this is to get him better at leg yields , since he tends to interpret every touch to his side as a cue to speed up . Part of this is also to get me better at leg yields , of course , and it turns out I needed it more than I thought . My light bulb moment came when I realized I was using WAY too much inside leg when we were spiralling in . My trainer kept telling me not to let him drop his shoulder in , so I was essentially trying to hold him up with my inside leg . Silly me ! Turns out he was dropping his shoulder in because of how much inside leg I was using , as he straightened right up as soon as I stopped . Duh . A while back , Nuzzling Muzzles posted about a Clinton Anderson clinic she attended . She mentioned something about how any time you are working with your horse , you really have two horses , one for each side , since once you have them switch directions it 's all new again . I think the same might apply to me . I can 't believe how hard of a time I have remembering which is my right leg and which is my left when I 'm riding and my trainer is calling out instructions . If you watched my lessons , you 'd probably hear this sort of thing at least once in each lesson : " A little more left leg . Left leg ! No , your OTHER left ! " When you think about it , Panama really is a trooper to put up with a novice rider when he 's still learning himself . In fact , I think it probably says a lot about his intelligence and temperament that he hasn 't gone batshit crazy by now . I do have an easier time if my trainer says " inside leg " or " outside leg , " but sometimes of course that isn 't possposted by Katharine Swan @ 4 : 16 PM First of all , I 'd like to thank everyone for being patient . I was supposed to post the winner of my horse book giveaway nearly a week ago , but between everything going on currently in my life - from sick pets to my knee injury to a bunch of client deadlines , I haven 't had a chance to blog , much less do the drawing . Today I finally was able to make the time , though . Before I announce the winner , I 'd like to thank Berte , Theresa , Sally , Sydney , and Jane for sending in their horse stories . I 'll be sharing one every day , in the order I received them , starting tomorrow . A few stories are copied from the person 's blog , so in that case I 'll post an excerpt with a link to the page where you can read the rest . Finally , the big announcement : the winner of the book giveaway . Drum roll , please . . . Theresa Rushing is the winner of my book giveaway for the book Horse Crazy . This might come as a surprise to her , since her mom entered her into the contest ! In any case , congratulations , Theresa ! Labels : contests I spent a good five hours or more at the barn today . It was gorgeous weather , and although initially I wasn 't going to ride , even after I put him away Panama kept watching me with his head up and his ears forward , as if expecting that I would ride him . And when I walked over to him , he nickered to me . That settled it - I saddled him up and we went for a ride . We didn 't ride long , and we mostly just walked . Posting fatigued my knee pretty quickly , and anyway my trainer still wants us to do lots of walking in the indoor , until Panama settles down a bit more in there . He did well , though - we worked on leg yields and spirals until he started responding to leg pressure without trying to trot at the same time . When I returned him to his corral after our ride , the barn crew was in there with the tractor , truck , and manure trailer , cleaning out the corral . They were able to keep the gate open for the truck to go in and out with loads of manure , and the two older horses just stood toward the back of the corral without trying to make a break for it . I tried to take Panama over with the older two and unhalter him , but he wanted to follow me back out the gate , so I had to shut it . Once his escape route was cut off , Panama amused himself by watching the tractor . The older two horses stayed far away , but Panama would come quite close and watch , sometimes only five or six feet away . He did run away a couple of times - when the tractor dumped a load into the trailer and he was standing just on the other side sniffing the trailer , and also when the driver drove the tractor right at him - but even then not until she was just a couple feet away . Both times , he wheeled around and pranced off with his tail flagged , so I don 't think he was terribly frightened , just having fun - like a teenager looking for an adrenaline rush ! I wish I 'd had my camera with me , as he was so cute the way he 'd stare at the tractor with his ears forward . I love how curious he is - if only he had the same confidence under saddle ! Labels : horse behaviposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 54 PM On Thursday 's post about my dumbest fall ever , Nuzzling Muzzles commented that it wasn 't falling she feared , but the recovery time . Ain 't that the truth . I took 3 Motrin Thursday afternoon , 3 more Friday morning after I nearly passed out shortly after I got out of bed , and 3 late last night to get me through the end of the day . ( I 'd been doing pretty well for most of the day , but toward the end of the night my leg started getting very fatigued . ) Forty - eight hours after my fall , I 'm in considerably less pain - no Motrin at all today - but my knee is feeling pretty stiff . Also my left leg seems to have forgotten how to move naturally when I walk , so I end up moving like I 'm lugging around a wooden leg . We 've been out and about a lot today , and I 'm extremely self conscious about how I must look . With any luck , though , it 'll continue improving quickly . At this rate I think I should have some more mobility back tomorrow . I 'll be looking forward to it ! In other updates , I think my cat - who had started eating again briefly - is once again not eating on his own . And one of our dogs is having some recurring bowel problems ; we took her to the vet again today . One of my mom 's cats is sick too , and I spent an hour or two with her in the kitty emergency room late last night . Amazing how it all happens at once , isn 't it ? All this to say that although quite a few of you have sent in wonderful , moving horse stories , I didn 't do the drawing for the book last night , as I 'd planned . It 's now looking like I won 't get to it until tomorrow , so look for an announcement of the winner then ! Labels : miscellaneous When I got out to the barn this afternoon , Panama was lying down , sunbathing . I went over and sat on him , snuggled a bit , and took the above picture . See the sleepy eyes ? I was still sitting on him when suddenly he decided to get up . I decided to just grab mane and hang on . Feeling him get up underneath me was amazing ! It was fun . . . until I fell off . Once Panama was standing , he decided to start walking . That 's when I realized I had no brakes . Oops . I hadn 't thought that through very well . He walked . I said , " Whoa . " He started running . I fell off . The end . Of course , I jumped right back up ( I always do ) to discover myself covered in poop . Lucky me - I 'd fallen in a mixture of mud and poop , made nice and soggy by the melting snow . I called to Panama , and he came trotting back over to me with some major pep in his step . I could just see what he was thinking . . . " What are you doing all the way over there , Mom ? What happened ? I thought we were going for a run ! " I walked up to him and leaned against his chest and shoulder . My left knee was shaking , and I realized I 'd done something to it , probably sprained it . No matter ! I haltered Panama anyway , took him into the cross ties , tacked him up , and took him into the indoor arena for a short ride that didn 't involve me falling off . Interestingly , my knee didn 't hurt at all while I was on his back . It definitely hurts now , though ! I took a hot bath , and now I 'm sitting on the couch with my leg up and a bag of frozen peas on my knee . It 's a funny story about falling , but I have a feeling I 'll find it considerably funnier when I 'm not hurting anymore . Labels : miscellaneous A busy week so far . Although I had my trainer out twice this week - once to ride Panama , and once to give me a lesson - I haven 't had time to blog about it . I 'll try to catch up , or at least get more regular , soon . The good news is that my cat Prince started eating on his own last night - only a little , but it 's a vast improvement , as I 've been force feeding him for the past month ! I had an ultrasound done on Monday , and the radiologist thinks he has had pancreatitis , as well as either irritable bowel syndrome or lymphoma . She 's leaning more toward the IBS , and for obvious reasons I 'm hoping she 's right . Either way , Prince is now on steroids , and I think that 's why he started eating again . Also , don 't forget that my book giveaway ends Friday at 5 : 00 pm ! I 've gotten some great horse stories already , but I would love to get a few more , so please consider entering ! Labels : miscellaneous During my lesson yesterday , Panama got his first taste of jumping . In addition to my lesson , my trainer exercised two horses yesterday , one before my lesson and one after . She had a low cross rail jump set up for the first horse , which she left out for Panama , so when my blood sugar crashed and I was unable to ride , she messed around with Panama a little bit . Most of it was desensitization work , as Panama is still anxious in the indoor arena . There has been a hula hoop sitting off to the side in there lately , and so sometimes she picks it up and messes with him a little . The first time she ever did that , he was a bit startled when she produced a bright shiny hoop seemingly out of thin air , but she plunked it over his head and around his neck and he just stood there , surprised but in control of himself . The second time she ever messed with the hula hoop , she hooked it over the back of the saddle and around his rump . He 's small enough that it goes right down underneath his butt , and rests against the back of his legs , which scares him . He was a complete wreck at first , but eventually he calmed down . Yesterday she did the same thing , just a little more persistently , so it took him a little while longer to relax . But he did , and now I am the proud owner of a circus pony prospect ! Heh . My trainer also walked him around the arena in general , including over the jump . As you might expect , he stalled the first time and stared at it hard , like he was trying to figure out what it was . But very quickly he followed her over , first at a walk , and then at a trot . My blood sugar still wouldn 't come up , so eventually she got up on him and rode him over the jump a few times - again , first walking , and then trotting . She wasn 't pushing him or anything , because obviously he hasn 't jumped before , and the jump was low enough that he could step over it if he was careful about it . He especially liked trotting up to it and jumping , though , and you could see him going through the process of learning how to pick up his feet . Once I started feelposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 54 PM As I write this , it is about zero degrees outside , depending on what weather station you believe . This morning when my husband went to work , it was - 12 , and tonight it 's supposed to get down to about - 7 . Hard to believe it was around 40 degrees just two days ago ! This storm has been more about the cold than the snow , although we did get a couple inches . I didn 't get out to the barn yesterday , so although it was only 15 degrees today , I went and took off Panama 's blanket and turned him out for a little bit . Despite the cold , it was sunny and clear today , so when I arrived Panama was stubbornly sunbathing in his blanket . I put a hand underneath and found that he was warm , but not sweaty . I took off the blanket and turned him out in the arena , figuring he 'd have some pent - up energy from spending yesterday 's storm just standing around . I was right ! He quitely happily ran laps in the arena , tail curled over his back in the way that I love . He 'd run and run and run , and then trot up to me and stand there with his neck over my shoulder , head high , blowing and snorting . I let him run until he was just beginning to sweat , and then I took him indoors with the intention of walking him in the arena until he cooled down . Instead he balked at walking down the hall to the indoor , so by the time we worked through that , he was cool and dry again . I put the blanket back on him and put him away . Tomorrow we have a lesson , so beforehand I will probably need to turn him out again - he was still pretty " up , " even after today 's run . He doesn 't get much exercise , being corraled in the " old folks ' home , " as I like to call it , and it 's especially bad when it snows - he doesn 't like bad weather , so he tends to just stand around even more . It 'll be good to ride tomorrow - I just hope he behaves himself , as we 'll be riding indoors again ! Labels : horse behavior . . . meaning they are my distractions , not Panama 's . I 've been very busy and worried lately . The cat I have now had for nearly 11 years has stopped eating for unknown reasons . Almost a month ago , I took him into the vet , and they weren 't able to tell what was wrong , even after doing a blood panel . They cleaned his teeth and pulled two bad ones just before Christmas , but that didn 't make him want to start eating again . Now I 'm giving him Pepcid AC to see if it 's an acidity problem ( we noticed he is burping a lot ) , and he 's going in for an ultrasound on Monday . In the meantime , I 'm force feeding him . My other cat had feline hepatic lipidosis a little over four years ago , so I am familiar with force feeding a cat - I had to force feed her for a month before she started eating on her own again . It 's time consuming , though , and frustrating at times . I hope we can figure out what is wrong and get him eating on his own again ! Anyway , I 'm sorry to say that this is starting to cut into my time with Panama . I 've tried not to let it , but yesterday I didn 't do anything with him at all ( except for taking his blanket off ) because I was so discouraged that Prince had thrown up his breakfast . Force feeding him 4 to 6 times a day makes it hard to get work done sometimes , too , which in turn makes it hard to spend time at the barn . Tomorrow it probably won 't be an issue , as we are supposed to get a lot of snow . Thursday will be only 15 degrees at best , which will make a trip to the barn unlikely but not impossible . ( Thank heavens for full care ! ) Perhaps I can get caught up on work while I 'm housebound , so that I can have more time with Panama ( and Prince ! ) on Friday , when the weather is a little better ! Labels : miscellaneous I read this article the other day : Helmets Becoming More Common on the Ski Slopes . I had no idea helmets and safety were becoming more commonplace in skiing , too . When I was a kid , we rode our bikes , our horses , and yes , even skied bareheaded . These days you rarely see a kid on a bike without a helmet , even scooting around their own driveways . And apparently , although safety concerns aren 't quite as far along among skiers ( nearly half wear helmets , according to the article ) , helmets are definitely gaining in popularity . When I read the article , I immediately thought of horseback riding . I 've posted a few times about helmets - I 've gone from being practically allergic to head protection , to wearing one most of the time . Periodically I forget when I go out for a lazy bareback ride , but I 'm getting better - and my trainer ( who is wearing one more often herself these days ) is helping to remind me . Helmet - wearing still isn 't that popular , particularly among the middle - aged women who seem to make up the majority of boarders at my barn . Most of them ride bareheaded . I guess it 's a hard habit to break , especially when you 've grown up a certain way . Which is why I 'm trying to change my ways now - someday I want it to be as natural for me as putting on a seat belt in the car ( which I typically do even to fix a parking job , just by habit ) . Labels : riding safety On New Year 's Day I decided to clean my desk . It has been a mess for months , and had foot - high stacks of papers piled up on it . I 'm not sure yet if this is really a New Year 's resolution , but I decided I wanted to at least start 2010 with my work space clean and organized . When I cleaned my desk , I found this book lurking under some of my papers : Horse Crazy : Women and the Horses They Love . I decided this was a perfect opportunity for another book giveaway . Only I 'm going to make you earn it this time . Since the book is a collection of short essays about the horse ( s ) that have touched each woman 's life , I 'm asking all entrants to write me an email about a horse that has touched your life in some way . It doesn 't have to be a horse you have now , or even one that you owned , and it doesn 't have to be a long story . I 'm not going to judge the stories - I 'll choose the winner the usual way , by picking a name out of a hat - but I will post each story on my blog ( in no particular order ) with your byline and a link to your blog or website . My email address ( which I will take down after the contest ends ) is writer at katharineswan . com ( just replace the " at " with the ampersand symbol ) . Let 's give everyone time to think about and write their emails - deadline is 5 : 00 pm mountain time on January 15th . I 'll randomly select a winner that evening , and post one person 's story every day starting on January 16th . I 'm looking forward to reading everybody 's stories ! Labels : contests Michael and I celebrated New Year 's with a small group of friends last night , but truthfully that wasn 't the highlight of my night . The best part was a moment that Panama and I shared when I went out to blanket him around 7 : 30 . Imagine this : When I get there , the full moon is high in the eastern sky , bathing everything in a surprisingly bright glow . The one thing I don 't see , though , is Panama . I park at the west end of the corral and peek around the corner of the east - facing shed , and there he is , lying down , facing the moonlit corral . He doesn 't get up while I slip through the fence , so I go and sit down on his back . He is obviously very relaxed and has probably been napping , as his head is drooping and I can feel his breathing coming long and slow . It makes me want to relax with him , so I scoot back and lay forward , looking at the view from between his ears , and then burying my face in his mane . That still doesn 't feel relaxed enough for me , so I decide " What the hell , " and sit in the dirt and manure between his front and back legs . I lean against his shoulder and run my hands all over him - up his neck , between his ears , over his nose and face , across his belly , and down his legs . With sleepy eyes , he permits it all , and even turns occasionally to put his nose in my lap . It 's cold ( 25 degrees ) , but snuggled up with my horse , parts of me are warm enough that the rest of me can tolerate the chill . After probably twenty minutes , he starts to lean back , like he wants to lay flat , and then seems to realize he can 't without kicking me in the process . He moves his front foot out , which makes me think he might want to get up , so I stand . He doesn 't get up , just puts his nose out and sniffs my crotch like a dog and then tucks his foot back under . I sit back down with him . We repeat this routine a couple of times before he finally gets up . I go to get his halter from the tack room and he peeks around the corner of the shed , like , " Where are you going ? " When I come back , he is waiting for me at the gate . I call out to him , posted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 16 PM |
The last two days have served as a reminder of the fact that I now board at a bigger barn than I 've ever experienced before - and that there are both pros and cons to that . Yesterday I had a lesson around lunchtime , which turned out to be a very busy time - I guess because it was a gorgeous day , and the day before had been so cold . ( There 's definitely something to be said for riding when poor weather keeps everyone else away . ) I was the second rider into the outdoor arena , but within ten minutes ' time , we had several more join us . At one point we had five or six horses in the arena at once ! Now , Panama and I have shared with one or two other horses before , but never that many . And to make things worse , one of those horses was his buddy Spaghetti , the little 4 - year - old gruella mustang he sometimes gets turned out with . Spaghetti 's owner , a girl in her early 20s who seems inexperienced but doesn 't have a trainer working with her to make up for it , wasn 't really doing much with him , so every time Panama would pass he 'd turn to face us and I 'd have to hustle Panama by him . I was pretty sure that Spaghetti wanted to play , and would have tried right then and there , crowded arena notwithstanding , if he 'd had the chance . Panama did pretty well sharing the arena with so many horses . Spaghetti left fairly early on , so we didn 't have to worry about that particular distraction for too long . PT , a 4 - year - old mare Panama also likes quite a bit , was in there with a rider too , but Panama got over that pretty quickly . I was pretty pleased with how well he did . In truth , I 'm the one who has a harder time with sharing an arena . I actually worry about it quite a bit . I 'm just now learning the rules and etiquette , as I 've never had to worry about it before . Also , as someone who used to be very shy , I quail at the thought of calling out " inside " or what - have - you to other riders . I 'll get over it , but like most things relating to my natural shyness , it will take some getting used to . Today was a much different sort of day . I got out to posted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 10 PM Today was one of those perfect rides . Heck , it was a perfect day ( in terms of the barn , I mean ) . It had to be one of the top five rides I 've ever taken on Panama , right up there with some of the best trail rides we 've ever been on . It was simply magical . The thing is , we really didn 't do that much . Most of what we did was walking , with a little bit of trotting in there . It was just really amazing walking ! I should have known immediately what kind of day it was going to be . I parked in front of Panama 's corral as usual , and then went into the tack room to get his halter . When I came back out , he was standing right at the gate , clearly waiting for me . I put him in the cross ties and got to work grooming and tacking him up . He did everything I asked , when I asked and exactly how I asked . ( There was a little hiccup when I accidentally collapsed the wall - mounted saddle rack while putting the saddle on it . He cat jumped backwards in the cross ties and looked at me with alarm . I just laughed it off and banged it around some more , and he relaxed . He really does look to me for guidance , though - he was braced and all ready to pull back , just waiting to see whether I 'd give him any indication he should . ) Although it was only about 28 degrees outside , in the indoor arena it was just barely warm enough to take off my jacket and ride in my sweatshirt and gloves . We shared the arena with one other horse and rider , one of the older women at the barn and her mare . I don 't know if Panama it was the mare 's influence , or if it 's because I was chatting with her owner as we rode , but Panama was the most relaxed I 've seen him in the indoor . He lowered his head , walked more slowly , and when we did trot , he kept a nice , even pace ( something we have a hard time with in there ) . I was even able to give him more rein than usual without him constantly trying to speed up . He also responded very well to my leg yields , with very few instances of confusing it as a request to trot . Whatever I thought , he did ; wherever I thought , he went . We rode forposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 24 PM Last night , Michael and I were hanging out at a local bookstore , and I was flipping through a book by Cherry Hill : How to Think Like a Horse . ( I love Cherry Hill 's books - this one didn 't seem like one I needed to buy , but I 'm checking it out from the library to finish reading it . ) At one point , Hill was describing the behavior a buddy - bound horse will exhibit - e . g . , whinnying to his buddy on trail rides if he loses sight of them - and I thought , That 's how Panama behaves toward ME . He really does . Instead of running when I turn him out in the arena , he often wants to hang out with me , and will keep trying to come back to me until I let him . And if I leave him alone in the cross ties , he 'll whinny to me , like he 's asking where I am . ( I always say something back to him , which probably also helps to encourage the behavior . ) Today I was telling my trainer about my " discovery , " and she said she wasn 't surprised . ( She always calls him a mommy 's boy . ) Then she said , " Did they say how to fix it ? " I was a bit taken aback . I was actually proud that he is so bonded to me , and it even said in the book that the goal is to get your horse to bond to you instead of another horse , so that they 'll trust you more on rides . My trainer , however , seems to think that Panama isn 't trusting us enough . Today she was desensitizing him to her coat , throwing it over his head to cover his eyes . She told me she wants me to work with him with a coat every day , and not say anything to him while I 'm doing it , or even laugh . But while she was working with him , he freaked out and actually knocked her down in order to run away from it . It was agonizing to watch - I know how attuned Panama is to my voice , and I could actually feel how much he wanted some verbal reassurance . But she withheld the praise until the very end , so that for a while all he got was snapped at when he wasn 't doing it right . I sensed that my trainer was short on patience today , when she rode as well as during the coat incident , and as a result it was a very frustrating sessposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 06 PM I 've been reading Jane 's blog for some time now , ever since I met her through another book giveaway . I 've heard a lot about her current horse , Gilly , but I 'd never heard about her " first love . " This is the last of the stories I received about horses that touched the author 's life in some way . I hope you enjoyed all the stories as much as I did ! My First LoveThe first horse , my first love , was one my dad bought for me when I was 9 years old . My mother had died the year before and my dad was going out west to look for work . I was to stay with my aunt , my dad 's older sister , on a farm . I think he got me the horse to help me get over the loss of my mother and him going away for awhile . I loved that horse with everything I had in me , I had loved horses since the first one I ever remember seeing at age 3 . Old Prince , our neighbors big sorrel work horse ; I saw him every day , a big red gentle giant . I had Trigger for 11 years , my best friend whose velvety red ears knew all my secrets , a snow white mane that dried all my tears and a strong back that carried through those hard years . You see my father died 6 months after he had gotten me Trigger . That beloved horse carried me through a lot of sorrow in my early life and I will always be grateful to him for that . I sold Trigger when I went away from home and no longer had a way to care for him . He went to a wonderful home to a girl of 12 , who loved him as much as I did . I kept in touch with the people who bought him and went to see him when he was 17 years old . My daughter , who was two at the time , got to sit on his back . A year later , Trigger passed away . They found him in the field and don 't know what happened . He is buried on that farm , but he lived on in my heart as a horse that helped heal the pain of childhood . Labels : horse stories The next story talks about the author 's earliest memories of horses . Sydney has an excellent blog called Bitless Horse : Science VS Tradition . She also makes gorgeous horse hair jewelry at very fair prices - wow ! HorsaiiThere are some of us that are born with a desire to break the bank , spend endless hours in the worst weather conditions , forget sleep and most of all ourselves for a chance to be with horses . There are those that grow out of it and those that never think of anything else but horses . I recall the first time I saw a real horse that I can remember . I am sure there were times before this but none as vivid as this one . . . To read the rest of Sydney 's story , click here . Labels : horse stories Today has been incredibly , insanely windy . Luckily , that meant when Michael and I went to the barn just before lunchtime , it wasn 't very busy . On the down side , though , it also meant that when I rode Panama in the indoor , we had a lot to work through . I have to admit , it was nice having the indoor arena , where we could get out of the wind . That 's half the reason I rode - it was too cold and windy outside to do anything else . But Panama was quite anxious about the sound of the wind against the walls , and I don 't blame him - if I didn 't know better , I would have thought the wind was going to blow the building down around us , too . On top of the wind , one of the guys who does a lot of work around the barn decided to water down the footing ( which gets very dusty if it 's not kept damp ) while I and one other rider were in the arena . The other rider , who ( as I understand it ) took a bad fall a year or two ago , and is just now riding starting to ride again , quickly gave up trying to ride . Between the wind and the hose - wielding man walking around the arena , she was too worried about what her mare would do . I stuck with it . I did make some concessions - I gave up trying to make Panama stand by the mounting block so I could mount , because every time I got him into position , the wind would throw sand against the side of the building and Panama would dance away from me again . So I let Michael hold his reins while I mounted from the ground . I wanted to just get up because , despite my falls , I am starting to feel more in control on his back than I am on the ground . Once I was on , I made him do circles , small figure 8s , turns on the forehand , etc . - anything to engage his brain and make him shift his focus to ME instead of the wind . It worked ! He was still nervous , but he stopped seriously freaking out , and during our 30 - or 40 - minute ride , was able to gradually relax . We didn 't do anything other than walk today , since my trainer doesn 't want us to let him trot until he 's relaxed and focused , and by the time I really got him toposted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 11 PM The next horse story in the lineup is Sally 's story of Buck and Chester . Although this story is about two different horses , they are irrevocably connected , as you will see . Be sure to also check out Sally 's wonderful horse blog , Arab Crazy Family ! Buck and ChesterFor as long as I can remember , I was horse crazy . When I was still very young , my parents lost their farm and we had to move into town . This turn of events did not help a young , horse - crazed girl . I substituted by playing " horse " almost constantly . I would run around the yard like a wild mustang , bolt around the park like a young colt in spring . When it was raining , I was inside playing with the endless collections of little plastic horses I had . . . I drove my parents crazy ! When I reached the tender age of thirteen , mom and dad finally had enough money for another farm . It was a much smaller farm at eight acres , but I began to clamor very LOUDLY for a real horse once we got moved . My mom promised that as soon as we got settled , we 'd start looking . I started packing that very night . We got moved , we got settled , the real horse didn 't come . Mom said we just didn 't have the money . I begged , bargained , pleaded , made outlandish promises , and finally - I cried . That broke my mother 's heart , and we started looking right away . We looked far and wide , my mom had an idea of what was to be my first horse and she was not about to get me any horse that was not " safe . " Finally , after months of searching , my mom and dad bought me an old appaloosa / quarter horse cross named Buck . ( I found out a few years ago they had to get a loan from the bank , sniff . ) Buck was sent to us from heaven . I learned so much about life on the back of that horse . He listened to all the rants and tradgedies of a teenage girl 's life and I believe he was truly happy . I got older , and Buck got older . I got married , started a family and Buck stayed at my old home . My children learned to ride Buck . One night , my dad called me and said I better come out . Buck had a stroke - he was pushing thirty five posted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 35 PM For the first time in a while , I have friends at the barn with whom I can share my hobby . Yesterday , I met Voodoo 's mom out at the barn in the morning , and we let them play together for a while . Then she lunged him in the arena , while I hopped on Panama and rode bareback for a little while at the other end . It was a nice , companionable way to spend a morning at the barn . Voodoo 's mom is seven months pregnant right now , so it 'll be a couple of months until she is able to ride again . I 'm looking forward to having someone to trail ride with in the summer . I 've also made other friends at the barn with whom I should be able to ride when the weather warms up and the trails dry out , but it 's Voodoo 's mom I look forward to riding with the most . It 's so nice to have horsey friends at the barn - something I really missed at the private residence where I used to board ! Labels : barn life As promised , as a follow - up to Berte 's story yesterday , here is Theresa 's story of the brown mare named Prissy . Theresa 's blog is Always Rushing Around , and is more than just a horse blog - she also has two adorable little girls she blogs about ! My Little Brown MareFlashy she was not . She stood about 14 . 2 hands , not very tall . She was sorrel . She was registered as a red dun , but that was a stretch . She was just brown . Aside from a few stray hairs in the middle of her forehead she didn 't have a white hair on her body . Her mane was always thin and she didn 't have much of a forelock to speak of . In so many ways she was nothing but an ordinary little brown mare . But I knew her better . I want to talk about my little brown mare . My mom tells me that she saw Prissy acting like a fool out in the pasture and decided that she was the one she had to have . So she bought her for $ 500 on April 25 , 1987 . I was eight years old . Prissy was not yet broke when my parents brought her home . You couldn 't even get a halter on her . I can remember my mom sitting in the stall with Prissy with a bucket of food just waiting patiently until Prissy decided to come to her . Mom would later send Prissy to a trainer who had her for a minimal amount of time . When he returned her he said , " She never even bucked . I just got on her and started riding . " To read the rest of the story of Prissy and Theresa , click here . Labels : horse stories I 'll start with the very first person to email me her horse story : Berte of RiverBend Farm . She sent me her story , which is also on her blog : Goodbye Ol ' GirlThis is a very hard post for me to write as it has been a very hard week . Today we said goodbye to Prissy . As you might have read in my original post , horses have always been a love in my life since I was a little girl . On April 25 , 1987 , entered Prissy , a young 13 month old that had my heart the minute I saw her raise her head out of a herd and rear up as if to say " just come see if you can catch me " . Little did I know at that time , how many hearts this amazing horse would touch and the effects she would have on our lives . To read the rest of Berte 's post about Prissy , click here . Try to use restraint and don 't click over to Theresa 's story just yet , though , as that happens to be tomorrow 's story ! Labels : horse stories My leg is slowly improving , and I now have more mobility than I had a few days ago . This means I can get around better and faster ( which makes Panama happy , as he was quite impatient with my slow hobble ) . I had a lesson yesterday and although I didn 't ride long or do much ( posting still fatigues me , and leg yielding with the left leg while posting is challenging ) , I had a major light bulb moment . My trainer has been having me work on spiralling Panama in and out . Part of this is to get him better at leg yields , since he tends to interpret every touch to his side as a cue to speed up . Part of this is also to get me better at leg yields , of course , and it turns out I needed it more than I thought . My light bulb moment came when I realized I was using WAY too much inside leg when we were spiralling in . My trainer kept telling me not to let him drop his shoulder in , so I was essentially trying to hold him up with my inside leg . Silly me ! Turns out he was dropping his shoulder in because of how much inside leg I was using , as he straightened right up as soon as I stopped . Duh . A while back , Nuzzling Muzzles posted about a Clinton Anderson clinic she attended . She mentioned something about how any time you are working with your horse , you really have two horses , one for each side , since once you have them switch directions it 's all new again . I think the same might apply to me . I can 't believe how hard of a time I have remembering which is my right leg and which is my left when I 'm riding and my trainer is calling out instructions . If you watched my lessons , you 'd probably hear this sort of thing at least once in each lesson : " A little more left leg . Left leg ! No , your OTHER left ! " When you think about it , Panama really is a trooper to put up with a novice rider when he 's still learning himself . In fact , I think it probably says a lot about his intelligence and temperament that he hasn 't gone batshit crazy by now . I do have an easier time if my trainer says " inside leg " or " outside leg , " but sometimes of course that isn 't possposted by Katharine Swan @ 4 : 16 PM First of all , I 'd like to thank everyone for being patient . I was supposed to post the winner of my horse book giveaway nearly a week ago , but between everything going on currently in my life - from sick pets to my knee injury to a bunch of client deadlines , I haven 't had a chance to blog , much less do the drawing . Today I finally was able to make the time , though . Before I announce the winner , I 'd like to thank Berte , Theresa , Sally , Sydney , and Jane for sending in their horse stories . I 'll be sharing one every day , in the order I received them , starting tomorrow . A few stories are copied from the person 's blog , so in that case I 'll post an excerpt with a link to the page where you can read the rest . Finally , the big announcement : the winner of the book giveaway . Drum roll , please . . . Theresa Rushing is the winner of my book giveaway for the book Horse Crazy . This might come as a surprise to her , since her mom entered her into the contest ! In any case , congratulations , Theresa ! Labels : contests I spent a good five hours or more at the barn today . It was gorgeous weather , and although initially I wasn 't going to ride , even after I put him away Panama kept watching me with his head up and his ears forward , as if expecting that I would ride him . And when I walked over to him , he nickered to me . That settled it - I saddled him up and we went for a ride . We didn 't ride long , and we mostly just walked . Posting fatigued my knee pretty quickly , and anyway my trainer still wants us to do lots of walking in the indoor , until Panama settles down a bit more in there . He did well , though - we worked on leg yields and spirals until he started responding to leg pressure without trying to trot at the same time . When I returned him to his corral after our ride , the barn crew was in there with the tractor , truck , and manure trailer , cleaning out the corral . They were able to keep the gate open for the truck to go in and out with loads of manure , and the two older horses just stood toward the back of the corral without trying to make a break for it . I tried to take Panama over with the older two and unhalter him , but he wanted to follow me back out the gate , so I had to shut it . Once his escape route was cut off , Panama amused himself by watching the tractor . The older two horses stayed far away , but Panama would come quite close and watch , sometimes only five or six feet away . He did run away a couple of times - when the tractor dumped a load into the trailer and he was standing just on the other side sniffing the trailer , and also when the driver drove the tractor right at him - but even then not until she was just a couple feet away . Both times , he wheeled around and pranced off with his tail flagged , so I don 't think he was terribly frightened , just having fun - like a teenager looking for an adrenaline rush ! I wish I 'd had my camera with me , as he was so cute the way he 'd stare at the tractor with his ears forward . I love how curious he is - if only he had the same confidence under saddle ! Labels : horse behaviposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 54 PM On Thursday 's post about my dumbest fall ever , Nuzzling Muzzles commented that it wasn 't falling she feared , but the recovery time . Ain 't that the truth . I took 3 Motrin Thursday afternoon , 3 more Friday morning after I nearly passed out shortly after I got out of bed , and 3 late last night to get me through the end of the day . ( I 'd been doing pretty well for most of the day , but toward the end of the night my leg started getting very fatigued . ) Forty - eight hours after my fall , I 'm in considerably less pain - no Motrin at all today - but my knee is feeling pretty stiff . Also my left leg seems to have forgotten how to move naturally when I walk , so I end up moving like I 'm lugging around a wooden leg . We 've been out and about a lot today , and I 'm extremely self conscious about how I must look . With any luck , though , it 'll continue improving quickly . At this rate I think I should have some more mobility back tomorrow . I 'll be looking forward to it ! In other updates , I think my cat - who had started eating again briefly - is once again not eating on his own . And one of our dogs is having some recurring bowel problems ; we took her to the vet again today . One of my mom 's cats is sick too , and I spent an hour or two with her in the kitty emergency room late last night . Amazing how it all happens at once , isn 't it ? All this to say that although quite a few of you have sent in wonderful , moving horse stories , I didn 't do the drawing for the book last night , as I 'd planned . It 's now looking like I won 't get to it until tomorrow , so look for an announcement of the winner then ! Labels : miscellaneous When I got out to the barn this afternoon , Panama was lying down , sunbathing . I went over and sat on him , snuggled a bit , and took the above picture . See the sleepy eyes ? I was still sitting on him when suddenly he decided to get up . I decided to just grab mane and hang on . Feeling him get up underneath me was amazing ! It was fun . . . until I fell off . Once Panama was standing , he decided to start walking . That 's when I realized I had no brakes . Oops . I hadn 't thought that through very well . He walked . I said , " Whoa . " He started running . I fell off . The end . Of course , I jumped right back up ( I always do ) to discover myself covered in poop . Lucky me - I 'd fallen in a mixture of mud and poop , made nice and soggy by the melting snow . I called to Panama , and he came trotting back over to me with some major pep in his step . I could just see what he was thinking . . . " What are you doing all the way over there , Mom ? What happened ? I thought we were going for a run ! " I walked up to him and leaned against his chest and shoulder . My left knee was shaking , and I realized I 'd done something to it , probably sprained it . No matter ! I haltered Panama anyway , took him into the cross ties , tacked him up , and took him into the indoor arena for a short ride that didn 't involve me falling off . Interestingly , my knee didn 't hurt at all while I was on his back . It definitely hurts now , though ! I took a hot bath , and now I 'm sitting on the couch with my leg up and a bag of frozen peas on my knee . It 's a funny story about falling , but I have a feeling I 'll find it considerably funnier when I 'm not hurting anymore . Labels : miscellaneous A busy week so far . Although I had my trainer out twice this week - once to ride Panama , and once to give me a lesson - I haven 't had time to blog about it . I 'll try to catch up , or at least get more regular , soon . The good news is that my cat Prince started eating on his own last night - only a little , but it 's a vast improvement , as I 've been force feeding him for the past month ! I had an ultrasound done on Monday , and the radiologist thinks he has had pancreatitis , as well as either irritable bowel syndrome or lymphoma . She 's leaning more toward the IBS , and for obvious reasons I 'm hoping she 's right . Either way , Prince is now on steroids , and I think that 's why he started eating again . Also , don 't forget that my book giveaway ends Friday at 5 : 00 pm ! I 've gotten some great horse stories already , but I would love to get a few more , so please consider entering ! Labels : miscellaneous During my lesson yesterday , Panama got his first taste of jumping . In addition to my lesson , my trainer exercised two horses yesterday , one before my lesson and one after . She had a low cross rail jump set up for the first horse , which she left out for Panama , so when my blood sugar crashed and I was unable to ride , she messed around with Panama a little bit . Most of it was desensitization work , as Panama is still anxious in the indoor arena . There has been a hula hoop sitting off to the side in there lately , and so sometimes she picks it up and messes with him a little . The first time she ever did that , he was a bit startled when she produced a bright shiny hoop seemingly out of thin air , but she plunked it over his head and around his neck and he just stood there , surprised but in control of himself . The second time she ever messed with the hula hoop , she hooked it over the back of the saddle and around his rump . He 's small enough that it goes right down underneath his butt , and rests against the back of his legs , which scares him . He was a complete wreck at first , but eventually he calmed down . Yesterday she did the same thing , just a little more persistently , so it took him a little while longer to relax . But he did , and now I am the proud owner of a circus pony prospect ! Heh . My trainer also walked him around the arena in general , including over the jump . As you might expect , he stalled the first time and stared at it hard , like he was trying to figure out what it was . But very quickly he followed her over , first at a walk , and then at a trot . My blood sugar still wouldn 't come up , so eventually she got up on him and rode him over the jump a few times - again , first walking , and then trotting . She wasn 't pushing him or anything , because obviously he hasn 't jumped before , and the jump was low enough that he could step over it if he was careful about it . He especially liked trotting up to it and jumping , though , and you could see him going through the process of learning how to pick up his feet . Once I started feelposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 54 PM As I write this , it is about zero degrees outside , depending on what weather station you believe . This morning when my husband went to work , it was - 12 , and tonight it 's supposed to get down to about - 7 . Hard to believe it was around 40 degrees just two days ago ! This storm has been more about the cold than the snow , although we did get a couple inches . I didn 't get out to the barn yesterday , so although it was only 15 degrees today , I went and took off Panama 's blanket and turned him out for a little bit . Despite the cold , it was sunny and clear today , so when I arrived Panama was stubbornly sunbathing in his blanket . I put a hand underneath and found that he was warm , but not sweaty . I took off the blanket and turned him out in the arena , figuring he 'd have some pent - up energy from spending yesterday 's storm just standing around . I was right ! He quitely happily ran laps in the arena , tail curled over his back in the way that I love . He 'd run and run and run , and then trot up to me and stand there with his neck over my shoulder , head high , blowing and snorting . I let him run until he was just beginning to sweat , and then I took him indoors with the intention of walking him in the arena until he cooled down . Instead he balked at walking down the hall to the indoor , so by the time we worked through that , he was cool and dry again . I put the blanket back on him and put him away . Tomorrow we have a lesson , so beforehand I will probably need to turn him out again - he was still pretty " up , " even after today 's run . He doesn 't get much exercise , being corraled in the " old folks ' home , " as I like to call it , and it 's especially bad when it snows - he doesn 't like bad weather , so he tends to just stand around even more . It 'll be good to ride tomorrow - I just hope he behaves himself , as we 'll be riding indoors again ! Labels : horse behavior . . . meaning they are my distractions , not Panama 's . I 've been very busy and worried lately . The cat I have now had for nearly 11 years has stopped eating for unknown reasons . Almost a month ago , I took him into the vet , and they weren 't able to tell what was wrong , even after doing a blood panel . They cleaned his teeth and pulled two bad ones just before Christmas , but that didn 't make him want to start eating again . Now I 'm giving him Pepcid AC to see if it 's an acidity problem ( we noticed he is burping a lot ) , and he 's going in for an ultrasound on Monday . In the meantime , I 'm force feeding him . My other cat had feline hepatic lipidosis a little over four years ago , so I am familiar with force feeding a cat - I had to force feed her for a month before she started eating on her own again . It 's time consuming , though , and frustrating at times . I hope we can figure out what is wrong and get him eating on his own again ! Anyway , I 'm sorry to say that this is starting to cut into my time with Panama . I 've tried not to let it , but yesterday I didn 't do anything with him at all ( except for taking his blanket off ) because I was so discouraged that Prince had thrown up his breakfast . Force feeding him 4 to 6 times a day makes it hard to get work done sometimes , too , which in turn makes it hard to spend time at the barn . Tomorrow it probably won 't be an issue , as we are supposed to get a lot of snow . Thursday will be only 15 degrees at best , which will make a trip to the barn unlikely but not impossible . ( Thank heavens for full care ! ) Perhaps I can get caught up on work while I 'm housebound , so that I can have more time with Panama ( and Prince ! ) on Friday , when the weather is a little better ! Labels : miscellaneous I read this article the other day : Helmets Becoming More Common on the Ski Slopes . I had no idea helmets and safety were becoming more commonplace in skiing , too . When I was a kid , we rode our bikes , our horses , and yes , even skied bareheaded . These days you rarely see a kid on a bike without a helmet , even scooting around their own driveways . And apparently , although safety concerns aren 't quite as far along among skiers ( nearly half wear helmets , according to the article ) , helmets are definitely gaining in popularity . When I read the article , I immediately thought of horseback riding . I 've posted a few times about helmets - I 've gone from being practically allergic to head protection , to wearing one most of the time . Periodically I forget when I go out for a lazy bareback ride , but I 'm getting better - and my trainer ( who is wearing one more often herself these days ) is helping to remind me . Helmet - wearing still isn 't that popular , particularly among the middle - aged women who seem to make up the majority of boarders at my barn . Most of them ride bareheaded . I guess it 's a hard habit to break , especially when you 've grown up a certain way . Which is why I 'm trying to change my ways now - someday I want it to be as natural for me as putting on a seat belt in the car ( which I typically do even to fix a parking job , just by habit ) . Labels : riding safety On New Year 's Day I decided to clean my desk . It has been a mess for months , and had foot - high stacks of papers piled up on it . I 'm not sure yet if this is really a New Year 's resolution , but I decided I wanted to at least start 2010 with my work space clean and organized . When I cleaned my desk , I found this book lurking under some of my papers : Horse Crazy : Women and the Horses They Love . I decided this was a perfect opportunity for another book giveaway . Only I 'm going to make you earn it this time . Since the book is a collection of short essays about the horse ( s ) that have touched each woman 's life , I 'm asking all entrants to write me an email about a horse that has touched your life in some way . It doesn 't have to be a horse you have now , or even one that you owned , and it doesn 't have to be a long story . I 'm not going to judge the stories - I 'll choose the winner the usual way , by picking a name out of a hat - but I will post each story on my blog ( in no particular order ) with your byline and a link to your blog or website . My email address ( which I will take down after the contest ends ) is writer at katharineswan . com ( just replace the " at " with the ampersand symbol ) . Let 's give everyone time to think about and write their emails - deadline is 5 : 00 pm mountain time on January 15th . I 'll randomly select a winner that evening , and post one person 's story every day starting on January 16th . I 'm looking forward to reading everybody 's stories ! Labels : contests Michael and I celebrated New Year 's with a small group of friends last night , but truthfully that wasn 't the highlight of my night . The best part was a moment that Panama and I shared when I went out to blanket him around 7 : 30 . Imagine this : When I get there , the full moon is high in the eastern sky , bathing everything in a surprisingly bright glow . The one thing I don 't see , though , is Panama . I park at the west end of the corral and peek around the corner of the east - facing shed , and there he is , lying down , facing the moonlit corral . He doesn 't get up while I slip through the fence , so I go and sit down on his back . He is obviously very relaxed and has probably been napping , as his head is drooping and I can feel his breathing coming long and slow . It makes me want to relax with him , so I scoot back and lay forward , looking at the view from between his ears , and then burying my face in his mane . That still doesn 't feel relaxed enough for me , so I decide " What the hell , " and sit in the dirt and manure between his front and back legs . I lean against his shoulder and run my hands all over him - up his neck , between his ears , over his nose and face , across his belly , and down his legs . With sleepy eyes , he permits it all , and even turns occasionally to put his nose in my lap . It 's cold ( 25 degrees ) , but snuggled up with my horse , parts of me are warm enough that the rest of me can tolerate the chill . After probably twenty minutes , he starts to lean back , like he wants to lay flat , and then seems to realize he can 't without kicking me in the process . He moves his front foot out , which makes me think he might want to get up , so I stand . He doesn 't get up , just puts his nose out and sniffs my crotch like a dog and then tucks his foot back under . I sit back down with him . We repeat this routine a couple of times before he finally gets up . I go to get his halter from the tack room and he peeks around the corner of the shed , like , " Where are you going ? " When I come back , he is waiting for me at the gate . I call out to him , posted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 16 PM |
February 23 , 2013 · 12 : 34 am Surviving zombie attack Two days ago I saw in my dreams that the country I was in fell under zombie attack . It wasn 't like in the movies . Those zombies didn 't run faster than wind nor did they attack randomly . Their eyes were faded and they could feel the light and their hearing remained good . They couldn 't see in dark . I was one in the group of survivors . None of us knew each other before the attack . Nobody cared of what had happened to their relatives . Not because we didn 't cared , but it was painful to think about it . I think there was about 10 or 12 of us . We were living in a train of two wagons . It was in constant movement from one end station to another and back . We never stopped unless we had to take fuel . It made us predictable on our path , yes , but we quickly realized that the zombies were easier to kill with something big and massive that would run over them . Zombies were actually our smallest problem , it was the other survivors , who caused us headache . Besides , if you traveled on that thing most of the week , we soon didn 't notice the noise or shaking . In both wagons stationed 5 or 6 people . Ours had small coupes , so we nested there , covering half of the floor with matrices and piling everything else with food or other things we had . Most of the action went in scenes . We had stopped at station . It was rule never to leave the door open . Another rule was not to yell or scream or do anything else that would bring attention to us . No yelling and leaving light on in the nighttime was another rule to follow . We had one girl , who started to feel very safe and started to forget to keep her voice down . One evening I opened my coupe 's door and saw that the " front door " was open . I saw a man leave . Right at that time the girl came again , shouting something to the back of the wagon . She went straight to the toilet to wash her hands and put the light on , too . Moment later I saw the man return , backing away from the door and flatting himself behind the bar table next to the door . He moved quickly and did it quietly . Second later I saw the reason . A zombie came in . It didn 't look either way , went straight to the toilet and next what we heard was death screams . Nobody went to help her . Instead I pulled immediately back in my compartment and hid myself in the nearest shadow . I could see from where I was laying how more of them came on the train . They went past the man behind the counter and they came in my room too . One of them punched itself against me . But I kept my breathing shallow . They couldn 't hear quiet tones . Nobody tried to kill them . It was easier to let them roam around a bit and then leave than waist ammo on them . Then they left and after shutting the door , we let the operator know and left the station . We couldn 't clean unless we were moving . They could smell the blood . But we had to clean it up . I could use my cards to see what went on around us . One day we got a new member to our team , who looked exactly like blond Clea DuVall . She had landed on my bed and was in the middle of emptying her bag to show what she had , or she was searching for something . I don 't remember . We had stopped in a station . She had been running from someone . Suddenly we heard a chainsaw right next to us . Someone was coming through the train wall . There was loud laughing on the other side . In my room were one more woman and two men . Though they all were armed , they couldn 't do anything . There was a lot of screaming and yelling , when I suddenly felt like we were being watched . So I stood up and saw two ghostly faces on the window . I showed the woman , who I had seen before somewhere , the middle finger . The ghostly faces evaporated and screaming started from the other side . " I told you she was looking right at me ! Didn 't I ? ! " There was one thing though , which caught my eye and which I will definitely keep in mind for future . The new girl 's pencil case . Her bag didn 't have much in it to help her survive for long , but her pencil case made me take one look at her and include her forever further in my wagon . She had tools there ! Simple tools ! In it were sets of knitting needles for socks and mittens , one with tube for jumpers , sewing needles and thread , basic tools to work with leather , tatting shuttle , magnifying glass , inkless pen , pencils , pencil sharpener and eraser , pencil compass and superglue , wool working tools , measuring tape , quill nibs and brushes , hook knife and Swiss knife together with small pocket sharpening stone , felting needles and crochet hooks , nailbinding needle and manicure scissors together with normal size scissors , small hammer and two screwdrivers ! Basically all that one would need to craft themselves stuff for upcoming winter ! Those tools meant she survived and all she had to find some raw material and she had the tools to work with them . There are several foreign students that have come downstairs to argue over something . Someone had big tower of old Mikey Mouse comic books with him . They were not happy with anything - no solution , no real laws . I could explain them that we can 't do what they wanted , because the law doesn 't allow it and they didn 't understand . Bend the law ! That was their attitude . I took his tower of comic books , set it behind me and told them to come back tomorrow ! Sleep , think over " bend the law " attitude and then come back tomorrow and we 'll discuss it again . And the comic books will stay with me for the night ! On the next day we discussed their issues again . And I gladly returned the comic books . But not before I had ripped out every second page from all the comic books first . The moment he headed upstairs I gave in my resignation letter and said that it is for no bad feelings amongst the working staff , but for what I just did , I would have to reasign anyway . Another thing I saw was that I was in a Hanseatic fair and I approached to a young woman , who was baking a cake in a small , very low oven . She just took one out and I asked if I could taste it . " No , " she said , " it 's for the children in the play tent . " So instead I asked for the recipe , because it was smelling so good and she agreed . I sat down next to her and searched for a pen and paper . At the same time some children came and she cut them the cake . I was woken up before she could get back to me , but I did pick the cake up and counted 7 layers of thin chocolate sponge cake with custard cream in between and covered with the same sponge cake powder on top of the last custard cream layer . The cake itself was cooked in a low cake pan . Or warmed up ? First dream - I was in a forest village , in a small farm . My grandparents were there and some very young , children I would presume . It was nighttime . We were sitting in a small tent that didn 't have walls . We were chatting there , laying on pillows when suddenly grandmother pointed up in the sky . We watched the sky go red - orange and black several times . We ran , urging children to go faster , and went in a low bunkers made of brick in the backyard . They were individual , made of brick and very low . You could lay down there , not sit and there were hooks to hook yourself against the floor plus handles to hold on to . They had sharp roofs that led far on the sides , so everything that fell on it could be guided away . I watched the bomb from the net built in the brickwork . I watched it sit there for what felt like a minute and then it blew up , released such energy flow that it raised everything solid up from the ground . It did same to us , but granny yelled us to pull ourselves back down and we did . I recalled then two children and a younger man . The second I got myself back under the flow ( it seemed to hover over us about half a meter above the land ) , everything blew . Everything that was solid blew up - the house next to us was rocked off its foundation , the trees lost part of the trunk . Then the energy flow moved upwards dismantling everything above about 5 meters . Our house was two floors plus the rooms under the roof . It reached up to the roof and then everything went silent and it all fell grumbling down . Oddly so did our bunkers , but there the flow like went through it , raising the stoned up , but because it didn 't have much power to push the entire brick wall , they pretty much fell back on each other . The roof was raised , but energy flew following it 's curves and thus that too fell back on us , sending only few bricks off that fell on our sides . The middle is missing . I remember waiting until daylight . Nobody came through there in the night , only the bombs fell . We listened the bombs land further away , leaving empty land with tree tops . I saw spots , witch means the bombs couldn 't have very large impact area . When early morning arrived , it had to be late summer , because it was chilly , but the landscape was in those colors , we began estimate our losses . No one was really worried of things , we were alive . All of us . The young man was holding one of the kids , I was holding hand with another . They were really young . I don 't remember grandparents coming with us . I didn 't worry about them either . We walked for some time , when the man said quietly that there comes four villages . We reached around the corner and I found myself on top of a hill . The road went through the valley 's edge . There were groups of houses , four like he said . They were different , but they were all built similar - in a very tight group . Second dream - I was in Tartu . With that man again . People were dressed casually , like ready for camping , though we all were in the town , near Jakobi hill . Under it is small parking lot . It was filled with gym benches . We were not " fine " , but we felt relaxed , like nothing had happened in long time . The right side of the hill was in ruins . There were lots of people and we could feel the tension , all ready for something . To have some laughs , somebody decided to have beauty contest . The man I was with sat next to me on the bench I was eating bread . He was dressed in joggers and guys were behind him , patting him for a good idea . I looked at him puzzled and then down at his white jogging shoes . They were painted yellow with text lighter . I laughed and suggested him to join the beauty contest . " I can 't ! " he laughed , but his buddies assured him he can , and we all began mooching him to go and preparing him . I never saw his face . I looked down and noticed that the light marker started to fade off and laid down on my feet to repaint it . He looked at me and his laughter fade away . My heart jumped , but I concentrated on his shoes . It was a nice feeling moment . Suddenly all hell broke loose up on the hill , where people were gathering to make a beauty line . They ran down the hill and any direction possible . We watched them being shot , and horror crept back in our souls . He grabbed my hand , the two kids sitting behind me and we ran to closest old house we had in the cellar . The house had already been bombed , so half of the cellar was revealed and showed through light . We managed to get in right before the first bomb went off . It was the same as in previous dream - first it lifted everybody up , except those who managed to hide against the wall next to stairs with ground behind it and was far lower than the impulse managed , then it blew everything upwards . I watched the bodies only feet from us been stretched to pieces . He had pushed us down the stairs to our hiding place . I watched a shadow on the wall going through the same - stretched and turned into mush . There was so much screaming , we had to cover our ears . I was in shock , I thought I had lost him . Children were crying , but I told them to stay as quiet as possible . But I myself left them there and went searching for him . The entire place was blown up except the older brickwork on lower part of the house . Suddenly someone grabbed me . I turned around and saw him , horrified , pulling me back inside and on the other side . Just in time to watch the second row of bombs landing . I watched out from the holes and saw that people , who had managed to grab hold of stairs of the houses , or got caught under them , were fine . But it was horrible . Everything was gone . I saw people coming over the hill from Tallinn side and I immediately pulled back behind our cellar . The man I was with grabbed a gun from the floor and while we pulled ourselves close against the wall , hiding , he pushed the gun mouth out from the window . I noticed then that there were others too , who did the same . We were on the house that 's on the lowest of Jakobi hill , in the blue house . They pushed the guns out and ordered our people to lay down on fours , leave their guns and this way walk past them . Many did it . Even people , who came from the hill did the same . I think it was a way to recognize ours . One , who walked past us like that , I managed to see his face . He was calm looking until he reached man 's side window . Then it changed into grimace of hatred and he shot him . I really felt scared of that hating man that moment . Though they didn 't make me wake up in horror , I woke up being wildly awake . Usually I need time to get myself going , but with this one , I needed no such time . And that scares me . June 25 , 2012 · 9 : 56 am Camp near the forest lake The dream started on a sunny summer day . It looked like a camp raised on the edge of a small lake in the middle of a forest - because the bushes came all close to the tents and there were visible cutting done around the camp . The camp consisted 3 - 5 tents , some car houses and something else I don 't know the word for . The lake itself was muddy and people went snorkeling in it , searching something from the bottom . I got the impression of scientists , who had taken about 8 children with them to give them scientific experience . The only built house was an outhouse and showers that were bit further off the camp . It started very scientifically . Someone had just got back from the lake and children were swarming around him when some woman with dark hair and simple linen jacket , told them to write an essay . They had just argued between each other on what the underwater cables look like and how they work and about the mystery that surrounded the object that had cut through this cable here . I had this image in my head as if looking on a trailer end and then huge cable that was running next to it . The essay was to write about what we know on those cables . I was a small boy and eager to show my knowledge , so I shouted out " I know they are covered with protective coating ! " Indeed , what about it ? I stopped , wondering . I had no clue what she was talking about . I did remember that moment a small cubic thing on top of the trailer where you could push one battery in . Next thing I saw happened in the evening twilight - everything was still visible , but darkened . There were two more boys and a girl with me and we had gone to toilets and shower . I recall seeing something move in the forest , but after first surprise , I simply continued , I didn 't put more attention to it . It was usual that there were animals near . The showers were placed so that you could see from a small window above the showers what went on in the camp and in the middle of the toilets and showers was a small corridor ( they were in the same room , closed off as small cabins ) that ended with big window that had been covered with metal mesh . Girl and the boy went to the toilet , me and and another boy headed for the showers . We were still chatting in the middle of the room , when screaming started from the camp . The boys wanted to go back , but the girl said we should stay there . The screaming grew , joined by another and another , grownups and children alike and we felt like freezing . We decided to stay , gathered quickly chairs in the shower room under that window and looked out . What we saw drew blood out from our faces and we felt so sick we couldn 't even cry . There were animals - deers mostly , boars , anything with hooves - stamping all over the camp , biting everybody from the neck and turning their heads around on the necks . Then they just danced on top of them with such fury that horrified us deeply . Everybody were pulled out from the tents , the equipment destroyed and them killed . Suddenly we heard crashing from where the middle window was . Then a moose stepping over the crashed glass , pushing open anything that it could . We didn 't scream and didn 't breath , terrified it might look in our cabin and find us . It did nose under the door , but the entire place reeked of dirt and soap and it went pas . We pulled away from the window . I heard my friends panting , our mouths were dry , but we didn 't dare to go and look . The water kept dripping from the shower heads and we heard rain outside . It turned quiet soon after , but those five minutes were more than enough for us . Rain . They couldn 't smell us in the rain as well as on windy day ! I don 't know if its true in real life or not , but at that point it was enough . I didn 't dare to tell my friends that we should move . I didn 't want to go , but we knew we couldn 't stay there either . We weren 't expected to return in weeks and there was no connection with outside world . That was one of our goals here . After a while it turned entirely dark and soon after we realized the sun had raised again . Dawn was week yet , but at some point we couldn 't take it anymore and we knew we had to go . Tallest boy pushed himself up and looked over the window edge . So did I , unable to bear the secrecy . It was quiet in the camp . Some animals were still there . They pulled bodies around , digging holes in the gobbled sand with their hooves and pushing the bodies in them with their enthrall . In light we could see that those animals didn 't look normal . On physics they were normal , but they were all burned one way or the other - they had red warps and missing fur . I recall seeing such burns in horror movies before , they were chemical burns . Some had burns over half of their bodies , but they were all alive ! We decided to wait more . Sometime near lunch we looked out again and didn 't see anything . The camp was empty . Our stomachs hurt , but we decided to go . We carefully went back to the camp side , minding every movement around , but there were none . We gathered our basics - mostly pocket lights , few ration packages , a water bottle - and headed straight back to wherever the city was . The road was old , half covered with grass , but it was well notable and we decided to follow it . For most of the time we walked . We walked in silence , listening the forest around us . We didn 't want to make sound , because we knew instinctively that human voice stood out from birds and last we wanted was to get their attention . It wasn 't before twilight , when we realized that after passing several crossroads we were still in the middle of forests . We grew restless , because we knew that we could be easily found by those creatures and we knew we had to find shelter and fast . Then we noticed lights on on the road . It was small cottage , punched together from god knows what , but we were glad . We saw a man sitting on the porch , but gave him little attention as he was sleeping . But we did see an older woman inside and after sneaking pass the man , we went inside and asked if we could stay there for the night , because we were lost . We mentioned nothing of what happened . The woman was friendly and nodded , offering us some bread for dinner and tea . She showed us a small place under the roof we could use for sleeping and gave us some carpets to roll into . We ate and went there , placing ourselves so that if someone raised the hatch and looked around without light , they would only see sacks of carpets in the corner behind the hatch . As unnoticeable as possible . Then the image changed and I saw the man on the porch . He looked close to blue , but he had the same kind of chemical burns as the animals on the field . His were much deeper , covering his entire body . He was asleep , but woke up and stretched . Then he moaned , happy , and pulled back , sat there for a second and then with simple stretch unattached his head from the body - or it was done for him by his wife - and the head went inside while the body stayed outside . But it was still alive , talked and ate and all . " You lead them here ! You lead them to me ! " He screamed , but it was too late for them to hide . We saw from upstairs a horse , also covered all in the burns without anything left except nose and mouth , crashing through the door . That was the last we saw , because we pulled ourselves as deep inside the thick carpets as we could , patting our hair down so they wouldn 't reach out and forgot how to breathe . The carpets reeked , but we didn 't care . It would cover our own scent , we hoped . Next I saw two stories at once . One was images of animals attacking people downstairs and killing them and firing up the house . The fire died soon - surprisingly . The other story was of a young man - which I knew was the man on the porch . He was very arrogant and proud and decided to win horse orientation by going straight through the thick forest . He ended on the same beach we had settled up our camp . Animals there hadn 't seen humans much , because they would keep drinking on . There were many of them , it was hot day . There he saw something in the lake and decided to look it up . He forced his horse to swim with him to the middle and dived to the trailer there . He saw the battery and pulled it out , releasing with it the acid button that was placed under it . It mixed with the water and before they could get out , the entire lake was turned into pool of acid . It didn 't seem to hold enough acid when we were there later , so I got the feeling like this happened nearly 20 years before . His horse and him got most of the burns , but the panic that rose , the animals all got burned someway with the hitting splashes . Some fell in half way , some entirely . When the man saw this , he ran , ignoring his horse and animals , who were begging his help with their screams and with their eyes . May 10 , 2012 · 12 : 15 am They who feared the dark It was one of those apocalyptic dreams , where the world has forced people into hiding . this time was the same . We were hiding from something I only knew as Them . They were … I don 't know , they never appeared in the dream , but They had changed our entire lifestyle . They could fly and they had wing . I don 't remember shape , but like shadows of demons . I knew They were afraid of the dark , so we adapted to like it , to live and move in it . It was safer than going out in the daylight , though we did it now and then to get the sunlight . But in constant fear . There was fear for Them , which was very real . We were survivals from what I knew took place 2 - 3 years before . What it was - I don 't know , but I knew I was one of the survivors and that humans were hard to find nowadays . We were hunted like pray , taken from the street as if snapping rats from the grass . Our group was quite big , about 50 people . It had adults and children in it , very few elderly . We now lived in an old L - shaped school house . The windows were covered with tent materials used in 1970s and 80s , because this was one of the few things that didn 't let the light through . The classes had been empted and used like apartments for " families " . We tried to keep the real families together , but the " family " I talk about was much bigger , up to 10 - 15 people of any age . Most corners and wall sides were covered in different humps of materials and dry food we could scavenge . That was what our primary food source was now . The more people died , the more we could find . We grew fresh herbs , too , but we couldn 't grow anything too big . Fresh food was eaten on the same day it was harvested . We didn 't have ways to keep it fresh . When we did get any , we divided it between everyone and sometimes it was just a handful of till or green onions , but it was more than other days . We didn 't have much room though we had entire school house in our demand , so we storage our personal items and food divided to us in two plastic boxes you could fit under your bed . If you only had mattresses , you kept them at your feet . No one took another 's boxes , it was taboo . We didn 't argue over what was divided for us by the leader , because it was hard times and we all understood it . Weird time to teach us equality - we knew that outside it was gang law , that 's why we didn 't want it here . We didn 't use the doors , but corridors and sewage system under the school to avoid being discovered . Some of our exits were close to half a mile away under other houses and they were heavily guarded . Security was strong . We didn 't research Them , our only aim there was to kill them , survive and avoid being discovered . That was it . We assumed there were others out there trying to study them , we did not do that . I remembered that from the girl 's head I was in . The leader was my brother . He didn 't look like me , but I knew he was my older brother , by a year or two . He was at my size , shoulder length light hair and often wore his long brown hiding suit . Our fashion colors were dirt colors or brown , anything that helped us melt into shadows . It wasn 't his choice to become the leader , but somehow he did . It was nighttime again and we had our small lights on . It was the only light we had right now , except the oil lamp on my brother 's desk , which was situated in the middle ground of the L - shape . He used that table to run troops . Our team was returning from the scavenging hunt . Others had gathered in the corridors and it was strange , excited vibration . They didn 't talk much , but the murmuring was oddly shocking . We didn 't know what to take of this , until I suddenly heard muffled arguing from brother 's desk and child 's yelping . I got there right at time to witness how a woman , not older than me , red curly hairstyle , begging my brother to keep her and the two little children there and not send them away . She was wearing long coat covered with moss and grass , so I assumed she was from country regions . The baby and child had the same style camouflage . It was hot in there and felt the uncomforting sensation around us . She adjusted the babe on her hand and I could feel her heart pounding hard , but she didn 't say anything else . The babe had started crying , silently , and she cleaned the tears away , releasing her own tears that washed away her dirt . Suddenly my brother turned , searched something from the dark and then handed her three small mobile phones . We used the GPS on them to track our own people . We didn 't call on them , because the electricity was scars , but it was enough to track the GPS . " There 's at least 3 minutes left on each , " he said . She took them and nodded , smiling him to assure he was doing the right thing , even though this meant she had to go on the street again , two hours before sunrise and find another place for them to stay . This was touch , even when being alone . Then they went , guarded out by two of our guards . My brother watched them go and I knew he was really upset . We knew this kind of decisions had to be made and we had forgiven him in advance , but I could see from aside that this was the one time he would never forgive himself . I put my heavy bags down and went to him after others had returned in their classes , but he pushed my hug away . He was panting . He pushed his hands up suddenly , backed out in the director 's office that was small and entirely in his demand ( he was dealing so much with us that it seemed fair for him to get some lone time while he slept ) and said he needed to be alone right now . I wasn 't even finished with nodding , when he had already closed the door . I think few days passed then , because everything had turned to normal and the next scene I saw was us preparing for a party . We had them now and then . I was with my " family " , dressing in small black dress , brushing my hair , putting make - up on . It was really strange , like a camp - I was sleeping on mattresses and on my two plastic boxes I had my make - up supplies and small mirror . Then the scene changed and I was in the upper corridors . It was all dark and we were dancing with lamps in our hand . The music was audible , but not very loud and we were dancing all smashed into each other . Suddenly I felt the boy on my right stop and I looked at him . Then I saw the light from the window and I also froze . Someone had removed the covers and it was early sunrise ! It took mere seconds for everybody to stop and we all watched now , mesmerized , the sunrise . It had been long since we last saw it and it was magical . But only until we saw the first beams . Then horror kicked in and while some run into hiding in the darkened corridors , we tried to do as fast as we could and pull the curtains up again . We knew that even if we hid and left the windows uncovered , even if the corridors were empty by the time they arrived , they 'd know that something was different and we 'd still be found out . Weird is , we didn 't care , who had done the trick , our only concern was to have the windows covered again . When I returned in the midsection again , I saw my brother standing against the wall next to the windows and peeking out between small split he had pulled between the covers . He often did it , but I don 't know what scared me this time , when I saw it . I felt like he wasn 't careful enough right now or that thinking on that girl had made him mindless . He noticed me then and came away from the window . I breathed out and went towards my " family " class . I knew that it couldn 't be much longer after that , because I had just fallen asleep , when I was woken by crying child . The sound was so alarming , so heartbreaking , that we were all up immediately . We didn 't even bother changing our clothes , and ran all out as we were . The guards were standing next to my brother 's table with the same children the woman had left with . They were both hysterical and crying . I felt my heart shrink , realizing that something must of happened with the woman . My brother appeared from the office moment later . He was alert like the rest of us . The 5 - year - old girl immediately stopped yelling when she saw him , like remembering what he had said , but the baby couldn 't stop . The young girl had appeared about 15 minutes before to our north gate , the guard explained , still holding the crying baby . She was carrying the baby and they were both horrified , eyes watered up . She was looking straight ahead , running over the clear land as fast as she could , straight to the gate while the baby was clutched around her neck and constantly stared at the sky , silent . It wasn 't until they had reached the first female guard that they both burst to full screaming and she brought them here . My brother ordered everyone to go back to sleep , but before he gently pushed the little girl , still carrying big bag , to me and telling me to take her in for the night and feed her should she want any . The baby he kept on his arms and walked in the corridor , hushing him to sleep . I saw then , guiding the child away that my brother was shaking hard . At that moment I felt the heartbeat racing again . But the child took my attention again and I went to my class taking her with me . Next I remember was hearing moving in the corridors again . It frightened me though I knew it couldn 't be Them , because then it would have been full panic , not some silent running . I pushed myself up , convinced that the girl next to me was hard asleep and went out of the classroom , quietly opening the door . I saw my brother 's lamp lit and him packing his bag . The baby was asleep in another man 's arms . Everything was so quiet , but I felt his feverish fear far . " She hasn 't used the phones ! " he explained in hushed tone . " I can still find her ! " He pulled out his boxes and filled his bag with dried food and some till we had harvested earlier . An army soldier next to us was going through some bags , searching a gun he could take with him . " I must find her . " He said , excitement shining through his hopeful voice and I knew I couldn 't stop him . I felt panic in my stomach , but my mouth couldn 't voice the anger and fear I felt . I knew he hadn 't forgiven himself sending her away . He had done it before , but for some reason , he couldn 't get her out of his mind and I knew I had to let him go . The moment he disappeared in the corridor with his head lamp , I started crying . He was gone in mere seconds and I felt suddenly so angry . I turned and looked at the man , who was still holding the child and soldier , who was looking after my brother . April 24 , 2012 · 12 : 32 am Huge rent and new level in body building I was knocking on an apartment door . To get there I had to go up few steps and few meters inside the corridor 's first floor . It was big and dark brown . The corridor itself was ugly , paint rolling off the walls and tiles free from the floor . A girl came to reply . I couldn 't say , but I think the plan of this apartment looked similar to my grandparent 's house . Only it was very dark , the walls were painted dark browns and the rooms looked small , almost tiny , where you could hide max 2 beds . There were at least six youth walking around , some messing with the stove in the kitchen . It felt warmer from that door . I said I came on advert in newspaper . The girl , who let me in , quickly disappeared . Another girl appeared , not much older than her , scruffy blond hair ponytailed on her back , wearing some weird - looking jumper . She was drying hands . I repeated why I was there so she quickly gave me the tour , out of which I don 't remember much . I asked how much would the rent be and she casually replied 1700 euros . I choked on that number - was she serious ? Wanting to stay polite I still searched a notebook from my handbag and reached it to her , asking to write down the owner 's name and phone number . She did , but then scratched the number down . She didn 't ask me to wait , but disappeared in the back room , asking for someone else . Probably to verify the number . I wanted to say something , I think , and followed her in the back room . But from the door I could already see that she had gone through the door on the left end and there were two beds with people sleeping , so I pulled back in the corridor . She wasn 't coming back , taking her time . Instead of worrying I flipped open some old National Geographic . In it was an article that caught my attention . I first saw images . One was showing five - six men , obvious body builders , sitting behind a circle plastic table and all demonstrating their right arms . I didn 't put much attention to it , but I felt that it looked as if they had half of their muscle cut off ! I turned my attention to next image , wondering what kind of horrible accident they must have survived for such mark . On that they were all standing on stage in different poses and still showing the arms . I grasped the paper closer and looked close . The muscle was cut off ! And on there they had shred by shred built an image ! There were ships , country scene , symbols … even naked lady on a sofa ! |
So I know its been a long time since I have blogged , and I have plenty to blog about . So we 'll catch up here and then I 'll try to do better blogging this year ! We 'll see how that goes ! So we moved back in September , and it was a disaster ! After we found the rental that we are currently living in , the people who own the house that we had been renting called the day before they wanted us out and told us that they had changed their mind and that we were expected to stay in that house until they wanted to sell it again . . So frustrating ! We had already signed a new lease on a better place and everything we had was all packed up ! They threatened to take us to court if we didn 't stay , and it was a huge mess . The unfortunate thing about this is that we are friends with relatives of the owners and that has made for an interesting friendship . I mean we couldn 't back out of a newly signed lease , just because they changed their mind . We had so much stuff going on around the time that school started , that it made everything that much harder ! So as I just said , the boys started school in September , and they have done GREAT ! Much better than I had thought that they would , that 's for sure . I expected them to be sad that I had to leave them , but they never cried , which was great for that first drop off at school ! I however , was a mess . I held it together until I got out of the school , but then I got driving home and I lost it . I happened to look in my rear view mirror and saw their empty booster seats . It his me so hard that I had to pull over I was crying to hard ! Once I got home , I was welcomed to the distraction of having to unpack everything from the move , so that kept me pretty busy . But I was never so happy to see 2 : 45 , so I could walk down to the bus stop at the end of the road and get my babies off the school bus . They came home very happy and it turned out to be the best thing for them . They love school and they have continued to do so well ! They got their first report cards in November , and they got all 3s and 4s ! Which is the best you can get . I was impressed , and the 2nd quarter of school ends next Friday , I am looking forward to getting their next report cards to make sure they are still doing so good ! On the 22nd of January they will be switching from afternoon pre - k to morning pre - k . This will be interesting I am sure ! Especially since most school days I have to wake Nathan up at 8 : 30 so he can get some breakfast into him before they have lunch , they have to be at school at 11 : 30 , so I usually end up feeding them lunch around 10 : 45 , I don 't really like feeding them lunch so early , but I have no choice . It will be interesting to see how they adjust to getting up around 6 : 30 everyday , getting dressed and breakfast right away to get to the bus stop at 7 : 15 . I would bet I end up driving them to school most days , which is ok with me , I won 't mind ! Right after school started , we ended up in the ER with Nathan . He was fooling around with his brother and he slipped running into their bedroom and cracked the back of his head open on the edge of their bedroom door . 3 staples later , he was fine , but I was scared to death ! I guess I never realized how bad head wounds bleed , but wow he lost a lot of blood . When we got to the ER the intake nurse actually took the time to argue with me about how old he was . All I could do was say to her " yes I know he is a big boy , but I swear on his life he is only 4 " and she kept saying to me " are you sure he is 4 , he looks to be about 7 or maybe 8 " I have never been such a mess . I had blood all over my shirt and jeans and his head was still bleeding , and she was arguing with me … . Once we got seen by the doctor and got his head patched up I was fine , but wow , wasn 't I scared ! He handled it like a champ tho . The only thing he was upset about was that he had to miss open house at school . Thankfully my mother and father in law were able to come right to out house and take care of Ethan and take him to open house . And we were lucky enough that the boys Pre - K teacher was kind enough to let my husband and I come into the class room the next day at drop off to check everything out ! So thankful that we live in such a small community ! Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful . We had my parents up for the long weekend and as soon as my mom and I got our meal cleaned up , we hit the road to go to Bangor for our black Friday shopping ! I had so much fun , and I 'm pretty sure my Mom did too . We rented a hotel room , so when we got to Bangor we went right to bed ! I set the alarm on my phone to get us up around 11 that night and we went and got some food then hit the stores ! I laughed so hard ! I can 't wait to do it again this year , I already have my room booked ! And I was almost done with my Christmas shopping when we got back to my house on Friday afternoon ! Christmas was next and that was great ! Everyone was happy with what they got or so it seems ! My favorite thing I got was a kitchen Aid stand mixer ! I have wanted one for years and my lovely husband decided that this was the year ! ! I have used it just about every day since I got it ! I can 't believe how easy it is to make things with it ! I think that about sums it up for now ! I can 't believe it 's already the 11th of January ! My how time is flying . I remember before we had the twins everyone said time with fly by once you have kids and I never believed them ! But oh my isn 't that the truth ! So I know what your thinking , your thinking didn 't your kids already turn 4 years old ? And your right , my twins turned 4 in May . However today marks a different 4 years for us . Today is the 4 year anniversary of my babies coming home from the hospital . I remember that day like it was yesterday ! I also remember not sleeping the night before , and I haven 't slept on the night of the 14th since that very year . I was so excited to finally be bringing my babies home after a long 108 days in the hospital . Those 108 days were broken down by 99 days in the most incredible NICU in the whole world , which I know is just my opinion , but it 's how I fell , and the other 9 days were spent n pediatrics ! It was a long journey that summer , patiently waiting for my boys to be healthy enough to come home to us . I spent about 80 of those days at my Mom 's house , which was about 10 minutes away from the hospital , and the other 28 days I spent home getting things ready for them to finally come home . I remember how badly I cried on the 4 hour car ride home when I made my first trip home without them . I felt so empty inside . I didn 't want to leave them at all when they were in the hospital , but I knew that the only way I was going to be able to get the house ready for them to come home was if I came home a few times and got things straightened up and their crib set up and all their clothes washed . I had never been so happy to get back to the hospital as I was after that first couple of nights away from them . I noticed such a big difference in them when I got back that time , I think it 's the first time I had seen that they were bigger then they were when they were born . It seems like every time i turn around , the boys are going thru a transition of some sorts . I mean they went from sharing a crib to sleeping in separate cribs . And they didn 't mind . Then they went from bottles to sippy cups . This , we struggled with . It seems like it took me forever to find a cup that they liked . I think I tried everything I could find , until I gave in and bought the ones I thought for sure they wouldn 't like . And turns out I was wrong , they loved them . One of the next transitions we had was going from cribs to toddler beds . We got lucky when we got their cribs , they each transitioned into toddler beds . That was a rather easy transition as well . They knew they couldn 't get out of their bed and roam freely . They knew that bedtime ment they had to lay down and go to sleep . They knew that I was just a few steps away from them , all they had to do was speak to me , and I would hear them on the monitor and come to them if they needed something . I was expecting the worse with that transition , I mean , first off they share a room and I thought for sure they would test us and try to get out and play . The next transition was from diapers to underwear . I was not looking forward to potty training . I think this was harder on me then it was on them . That is , once I figured out that there was no way they were going to potty train together . I mean sure , I 'm sure a lot of twins do things like this together , but not my twins . Ethan made this transition quickly . I 'm talking less than 1 week , and he was staying dry even at night and would cry when I put a pull - up on him at night because he didn 't need it . So after a couple of days of staying dry and night , I put him to bed in underwear and we 've never looked back . Sure , we have had our share of accidents , but I think that comes with any child . I didn 't think I was ever going to get Nathan trained . Ethan was trained shortly after they turned 3 in May . Nathan had NO interest at all . We would try and try and nothing worked . I gave up on more than one occasion . Finally on New Year 's Day , I said this is it , I am sick of changing pull - ups every few hours . And when he got up that morning I put him in underwear . I 'm not saying it was as easy as it was with Ethan , but it was easier than I thought it would be . For one thing , when I trained Ethan we were living at the old house , and we had a bathroom on the first floor , here we weren 't so lucky . Our only bathroom is on the second floor and we mad a ton of trips up and down the steps . There were accidents but again , nothing like I had anticipated . He made me proud , that 's for sure . Within 10 days , he was completely trained for day time . He would go on long stretches of staying dry at night and then he would be wet for a few mornings in a row . Finally I told him , if he could stay dry for 7 nights in a row , then the next night he could wear underwear to bed , just like Ethan . That 's all it took . He stayed dry for those 7 nights and on the next night , he said " I get to wear underwear just like my Ethan " and he was so excited . But wouldn 't you know it , that on that first night wearing underwear to bed , he had aOur next transition was from toddler beds to twin size beds . This happened sooner than we had planned on it happening but when you have children who are very tall for their age it happens . Nathan ran out of room . Every time he rolled over at night he was awake and that ment no sleep for Mommy and I wasn 't having that . So off to the furniture store we went and bunk beds it was . We ordered them , and my step son agreed to sleep on the top bunk , so Ethan went on the bottom bunk , and Nathan went in my step son 's twin bed . It was comforting to know that we were back to sleeping thru the night ! ! But now our problem is that the bunk beds are very poorly crafted . They keep falling apart and we are afraid that Ethan , sleeping in the bottom bunk will be hurt . So the bunk beds are going away . We are saying goodbye to the bunk beds on Thursday , and we are getting a trundle - bed . Tyler is going back in his twin bed and Ethan and Nathan will share the trundle . I 'm not sure who is sleeping where yet , we 'll let them decide once they get here on Thursday . But I 'm hoping this transition will go as easily as all the others have . One more transition that we have made recently , is that we have gotten rid of all of our sippy cups . Last friday ( 8 / 10 / 12 ) when we got up I opened the cupboard and a couple of cups fell out at me . And I thought , its time . So I poured them each a half of a glass of milk and said , your cups stay at the table and you need to drink slowly , there 's no cover . We have had little spills but nothing major . And the boys are great about leaving them on the table . I decided to keep 2 sippy cups , but just for when we are out of the house , I 'm not to big on them having open containers in my vehicle , although , I 'm sure that will happen soon enough . My husband learned the hard lesson while I was at a baby shower on sunday , only put as much in the cups as you are willing to clean up … Our next transition will be a move to a new house , again . and then the next transition will be school starting , 3 weeks from today ! That last transition may be a little harder on me then it is on them ! ! I know I haven 't hit all of the transition that my boys have had , but I have touched base on the important ones . I think the only really big one I left out is the one were we took away the boys beloved pacifiers ! ! Which is a post all on its own if anyone is interested … When I first relocated to be with Jason back in 2004 it took me a little while to feel like i belonged here with all of his friends . Once I did get used to being here , it didn 't take me that long and I made some new friends . It was very hard to make friends here , it reminds me of high school . There are a whole bunch of " clicks " of girls and its hard to break into those groups . Once they got to know me , they let their guard down and I was able to form friendships with most of them . Most of the people up here were married either with kids , or kids on the way . I loved being part of their lives as they had their babies . It was so much fun to visit them and bring them gifts when they started their families . I thought for sure that once I had children of my own , those friendships would just get stronger . Man , I couldn 't have been more wrong . And now I am left asking " where do I belong ? " My kids come first in my life . And I think as a Mom that is the way it should be . We don 't have a lot of babysitters around here , and my in - laws have never taken the twins for an over night . My parents live 4 hours away and come up as often as they can , but I can 't rely on them to always be available to watch my kids . My husband gets to go out a little more often than I do , and honestly , it 's because I don 't want too . I 'm not a big drinker , so I don 't really want to go out and hang around with people who are drinking . Now don 't get me wrong , I have nothing against my friends who like to unwind and have a few drinks , but it 's just not my thing . Even before I had the twins , I wasn 't a big drinker . I went thru that phase when I turned 21 . I grew out of it . I think most people do . When we had the boys and they finally came home from the hospital , I feel like that is when I lost the connection with my friends . I was home with the boys all the time , and have them on oxygen and monitors made it easier for my friends to come visit me and the boys at home rather than me packing everything up and getting them out . I had a couple of friends visit when we got home , maybe one time , but that was it . I think it hurts because every time my friends had babies , I would be there multiple times to visit with them . As the weeks went by the visitors slowly dwindled away . This is when I realized who my true friends are . The ones that don 't mind helping out with the babies and the ones that have been there for me to ask questions or even ask for there help . And let me just say , the friends that I thought I had before the boys were born are not the same group of people I consider my " Friends " now . It hurts to know that just because I have kids I have missed out on those friendships . I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and the people who were their were mostly the friends I had made when I first moved here , as well as a few other friends that I have . Well I don 't think the whole time we were there that I said more than 5 words to my " old friends " instead they kept looking over in my direction and turning back and talking . I felt like I was being talked about . I know it puts my husband in a weird situation , because he is still friends with everyone he was years ago . I think that men have a different kind of friend ships them women do , and I don 't think its very fair ! I wish it was as easy for us as it is them . When i was 14 , and in the 8th grade my parents got divorced . I didn 't like it one bit , and I was a little upset with both of my parents . My father was and still is an over the road truck driver so he wasn 't around a lot anyway , but it still sucked when they split . Growing up , I was a daddy 's girl . When he was home you could always find me with him . My whole world revolved around him . Sure I adored my mom , but hands down , i was the ultimate daddy 's girl . So when my parents shared with my sister and I that they had decided to split , I was hurt . But I was 14 , so I understood some of it . I was old enough to realize what was going on . My sister and I stayed with my Mom . She had primary custody of us , and that never changed . She never said anything negative about our father in front of us , no matter if she wanted to or not , that is the one thing she didn 't do . She knew that we would realize just how my father was over time . We lived in southern Maine , where my mom still lives now actually . Not in the same place , but still the same town , so going home is still " home " to me . My father relocated to Connecticut . Once my parents split , they both seemed to settle down rather quickly again . I know my Mom dated a little bit , but not that often , and soon enough she had met my step father and things progressed from there . I 'm not sure how much my Dad dated , as he was so far away . He eventually moved in with my now step - mother and that 's when I started to get to go to his house for school vacations . Both my step father and step mother each had children from their previous marriages . My step father has 2 sons and a daughter , all who are a few years younger than I am , and my step mother has 2 daughters and a son , also all younger than me . Neither of my parents ever had any more kids . Our families were only blended in the sense that I had step siblings from my step parents but no actual new brothers or sisters . I had great relationships with each of them . My father would always try to make plans for me to go to his house in Connecticut for school vacations and I loved it . It was always something I looked forward too . Because I got to spend time with my Dad and his new family . I always enjoyed my time with them . But as I grew up , things would always come up . I would be packed and not so patiently waiting for him to come get me , and the phone would ring , and there suddenly would be something wrong with his car . EVERY TIME I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN ! I 'm not going to lie , it hurt me pretty bad . It was after the third time this happened I realized that he just wasn 't coming . And that was the last time I ever planned to spend school vacation with him . It hurt a lot . I 'm not going to lie . I felt like he was replacing me with my step brother and sister , who weren 't even his own children . But because he had a step son now , I wasn 't good enough . He finally had the son he always wanted . We have an OK relationship now , nothing like I thought it would be . But that 's the way it goes . I thought that my own father would be so excited to hear I was expecting twin boys that he would make an effort to be involved in their lives . They turned 4 in May , and I can count on one hand the amount of times he has seen my sons . It breaks my heart to know he is just to busy to see them . I realize that we live about 8 hours away from each other , but he is still driving truck and makes one delivery a week in a town that is about one hour away from where I live , and he never tries to get me to come to the town so he can see his grandsons . I have always been close to my step father , mostly because he lived with us i supposed . I don 't always agree with everything he says or does , but he was like a father to me . He actually gave me away at my wedding to Jason . I originally wanted both my father and step father to walk me down the aisle together , but my father had a fit and said he either did it alone or not at all , so I chose to let me step father give me away . After all he knew me better . My father had not actually met my husband until my wedding day . How sad is that ? So I guess where I am going with this , is that I grew up with both a step mom and a step dad , and I never once did the things my step daughter has done to me . I never would have dreamed it . I know that I was older and my parents never had any more children after they had my sister and I , but it still makes it hard . I would love to have a good relationship with both of my step children , but I can 't keep putting myself out there just to be heart - broken time and time again by her . So things here have been kind of busy lately , and I should be blogging more , but life it getting in the way . I have a post almost ready about the boys 4th birthday party and about a few other things , I am just waiting to get some pictures back from our photographer . And I should have them by the end of the week , first of next week , so it 's coming , I promise . So we had my husband 's older kids on Monday this week . Things were going great , I was playing with the boys and T was watching tv with my husband and H was writing a note to a friend . All normal things that happen when we have the kids , so I didn 't think anything of it . I noticed that while H was writing , she kept looking over at me and staring at me , giving me dirty looks , but again , nothing out of the ordinary . Well when she got done writing her letter , she put it on the drier , which is what she does with stuff she wants to take home . I forgot it was there and so did she … Tuesday when I was getting the laundry switched over , a folded piece of paper fell on the floor . I didn 't notice it at first , but Ethan & Nathan were pretty excited cause they found " a yetter " which translates to a letter . I unfolded the paper to find the letter that H had written to her friend at school . I thought it was cute at first , I remember being a little girl writing letters to my friend and bringing them to school the next day . But what wasn 't cute was what the letter said at the bottom . Right before she signed her name it said " I hate Andrea " and that was followed up with " she hurts me ! " My heart broke immediately . I have known for a while that she has been angry at me . I just don 't know why . My first thought was to just throw it away , and my second thought was , well lets not do that , just in case she does it again and the note gets into the wrong hands . So when my husband got home from work , I was in tears , and he asked what was wrong , all I could do was give him the note . He of course was upset as well . We saw T & H at T 's baseball game last night and Jason asked T if he thought it was true , and he said " absolutely not , Andrea never hurts us . She might speak to us if we are doing something wrong , but she has never touched us . " And he followed that up with " I love Andrea , she wouldn 't hurt me or Sis . " Which again , broken my heart but for different reasons . Well when H went over by Jason , who was helping out in the dug out , she spoke to me on the way by , but only to get my attention so she could stick her tongue out at me on the way by . When she got to Jason , he pulled her aside and said , " we found your note " and she was all smiles , asking if he brought it to her , so she could give it to her friend at school today and he told her NO ! She got upset and started crying because it was her letter and not ours and we couldn 't keep it . She carried on for a few minutes about that , before Jason said " I read it , and so did Andrea . " She just looked at him and when he confronted her about it , she said " I didn 't write that " and she got a little upset with him . She told him that I must have written it myself because she didn 't do it . So tonight when Jason calls the kids to say goodnight like he does every night , he is going to talk to their Mom about it . We certainly are not giving the letter back to her , because if it got into the wrong hands I would be in so much trouble . Which i believe deep down inside , that 's what she wants . She doesn 't want her father and I together and she isn 't afraid to say it . If I thought it would solve any problems , I would pack my boys up for the weekend , and head to my Mother 's house . But that would be telling her she won , and that 's not what I want to do . She needs to be told that it is not OK to lie about things like this . We can 't punish her for not liking me , but we can punish her for lying about me hurting her . I swear on my own kids lives that I have NEVER laid a finger on that child ! Ethan seems so much more grown up to me now . He knows the words to almost all of the songs we sign , loves to help me in the kitchen when I am cooking and he even know how to fold some of the laundry ! Before I know it they will be going off to college and I 'll wonder where the past 18 years have gone . He is sleeping a lot better at night now , and suddenly even though he only weights about 36 / 37 pounds , he has the height of a 5 - year - old ! He is very busy , never slows down at all , or I don 't think he does anyway . He can write his name and he is constantly making us cards . He thinks every day should be a birthday or mother 's day , which is fine with me until he asks for cake and ice cream every night after supper , and then gets up set with me when I tell him we don 't have any . He is even playing with big boy toys now . Gone are the days of the wooden puzzles that are just shapes and animals , he has moved on to 48 piece puzzles , and he does NOT want any help putting them together . He absolutely loves playing with legos and of course all the transformers and power rangers he can find . Especially if they are his step brothers that he knows he should be playing with . He is def . still a Momma 's boy . Although he is starting to lean a little more towards Daddy , but when something is wrong or he needs something , all he wants is me ! Nathan is also so much more grown up to me now . He doesn 't sign all the songs like his brother does , he is more of a listener when it comes to music , but when he gets something watch out , he doesn 't let anyone tell him different . His personality has changed so much in the past few months . He also loves to do the laundry with me , and he especially loves to help me cook , even more than Ethan . His favorite toys are all his brother 's toys . He loves all the transformers and power rangers , and anything pirate related . He has always been my " thinker " which i love . He still loves to cuddle with his Momma , but only if his Daddy isn 't home . He is still very much a Daddy 's boy , and I 'm OK with that . I love seeing the bond that he has with my husband , its like nothing I have ever seen before . It 's a different bond then he has with any of the other kids . I 'm not sure if its cause he is Daddy 's baby or what , but they def . have a connection like no other . Up until recently when I looked at my boys I still saw them as these little tiny babies that were born way too soon ! There are times that I look at them and I see them still laying in their isoletes fighting for their lives , and then there are times like today where they are playing with the transformers that they got for their birthday and getting along so nicely that I see them as 4 year olds , who look so grown up to me ! I wish that time could slow down just a little bit . I 'm not ready for my babies to grow up ! |
While most little girls dreamed of becoming teachers , actresses , or nurses , Marisol Rivera dreamt of one day becoming a whore . Like a boy who looked in awe at a soldier or police officer , Marisol would fixate on prostitutes even when they weren 't working . During the day , whores didn 't look like whores . They looked like every other woman , but not to Marisol . " I don 't know , " her mother said , lying . She knew who she was . She knew who they all were . Everyone knew . Elena couldn 't comprehend why every person her daughter became captivated by in the streets of Colón was a prostitute . Just once she would have liked to have caught her daughter staring a beggar or a drunk . Elena handled these situations like the time Marisol had walked in on her and Marisol 's father making love - she ignored that it ever took place with hopes that Marisol would some day forget all about it . Pedro , a childhood friend who used to play in the dirt with Marisol , was her first customer . " What could I do to bring you pleasure , Pedro ? " Marisol asked as if she was taking notes . What does a boy so young know of pleasure ? Marisol knew he was not ready . Her research would have to wait , but it didn 't take long . One day , Marisol noticed Pedro ogling a pair of bouncing breast as a woman in high heeled shoes walked down the street . Ah ha , Marisol thought . Marisol became skilled at gaining their confidence . She never told anyone 's mother and never shared anyone 's kinky little secrets . Plus , she never got caught , which meant she never had to disclose who her patrons were . Part of the reason why no one ever discovered Marisol 's side business was that she was smart enough to know that she could not have all that money without a good reason for obtaining it . Being the daughter of a doctor , Marisol had little use for money , though she did enjoy earning it . The church became the benefactor of most of her earnings . It only seemed appropriate being that a lot of her business took place in an unoccupied confessional . It was her Catholic upbringing that never allowed Marisol to associate being a prostitute with having sex for money . It just never occurred to her . Marisol 's practice allowed her to learn many methods of how to give a man pleasure , but when came to intercourse , that was simply out of the question . It was a sin after all . / 0 Comments Since they started living together , Tim and Maria both slept in the nude . Even in his dream state , Tim knew this . So it made sense that he removed his clothes before he got back in bed with Maria after sleepwalking . Maria found the first pile of clothes in the laundry room not long after she noticed the door being open in the mornings . The clothes were still clean . Apparently only having been worn for just a little while . They still smelled like she pulled them out of the dryer on Sunday . Without even thinking about it , she neatly folded them back up and put them away . She had to think for a while . She understood why Tim would get undressed to get in bed . But why did he get dressed in the first place ? There were no clothes the first few nights he went out which meant he was out there naked . Maybe he didn 't mind being naked because he was in the backyard . If this was the case , then that meant that he got dressed to go beyond the confines of their property . He was going out into the city . Eventually , one morning she couldn 't just fold the clothes up and put them away . They were filthy . They were dirty , grimy in some spots . When she put them up to her nose , they no longer had that fresh scent out of just coming out of the dryer . They smelled like Tim . He had been sweating in them . Everything had been simple until now . Concealing Tim 's sleepwalking sessions didn 't require a lot of deception or even thought . She realized that if she was going to continue to protect him , to keep silent , things were going to get complicated . She was going to have to do somethings behind his back and keep more from him than expected . Was it worth it ? Her husband had been through enough , she thought . He didn 't need to go through any more trauma . / 0 Comments When Tim read the words , " I am in the hospital . We lost a baby . " His heart sank . It took everything he had to keep his composure . The last thing he wanted to do was break down and cry right there in front of everybody in internet café . " 60 seconds number 18 ! " A voice yelled over the crowd . That was Tim . He was on the computer numbered 18 . He waited in line and hour to get five minutes on the computer . Com had been down for five days . They usually are in the event of a casualty . This allows the government to notify the family before they hear the news through the grapevine . The fact that the attack , which yielded the casualty , took out the power plant meant that com was down for longer than usual . When it finally came back up , everyone wanted to get online to notify their family that they were OK . Thus the brass required a five minute limit on all computers at the internet café . " Don 't be . You didn 't do anything wrong , " Tim typed . " Be sad but don 't be sorry . Call your mother . Fly her in for a few days . I 'm about to get cut off . We 'll Skype later . I love you . " It was after normal duty hours so he went to the only place he knew he could be alone , the shop . When he got to the door , he frantically unlocked the padlock as if he was trying to get into the bathroom and was about to piss his pants . As soon as he opened the door , he stepped in , and it slammed behind him . He leaned back against the door and slid down to the ground and started sobbing . It cost him six 1 - pint water bottles of his homemade wine to get access to an unauthorized computer in the COM tent . Being a civil engineer had its privileges in the desert but so did being in the Communications Squadron . Each of the tents where the COM squadron members quartered had a computer and unlimited internet access . While the six members that occupied this tent were out enjoying Tim 's hooch , he had complete privacy and over an hour 's worth of access to the internet . This was when he Skyped Maria . " The news was wrong . It wasn 't four . It was only two , " Tim said . " One of them was my troop , Senior Airman Ricketts . " The mortar round blew Airman Ricketts to pieces , and the ensuing fire ensured that there was nothing to send home to his parents . Sergeant Martinez survived the blast but not fire . Diesel fuel surrounded the hardened shelter that was the operations plant and engulfed it in flames . Martinez opened the door but quickly closed it after the heat singed his mustache and eyebrows . The autopsy report read that Martinez died of smoke inhalation . Breaking the rules was probably what saved Senior Airman Jones 's and Airman Ski 's life . They were sitting in the pickup with the windows up . The engine ran while the AC blew , keeping them cool and wasting taxpayer 's money . Protected by the concrete barriers they did not get much of the blast wave from the explosion or the shrapnel from the mortar . Thinking quickly , Jones threw the gearshift into drive and sped away . When he realized that the tires were on fire , he slammed on the brakes , threw it into park , and he and Ski jumped out and ran to safety . Though he did tell Maria the gruesome truth of what happened , he didn 't tell her how it made him feel . He still couldn 't believe he lost someone under his " command . " In the movies , it happens all the time . But even in the movies , it only happened officers or senior enlisted in the Marines and Army , not Air Force Staff Sergeants in charge of the heating and air shop . He was also disgusted and disappointed with himself . If he hadn 't of told them to " get lost " or had just gone with them , Ricketts would be alive . The worst part about it was every day they had to go to work where there were reminders of Ricketts everywhere . Also since every game of dominoes would have to be cutthroat now , they just stopped playing altogether . / 0 Comments Tim was seven when his parents split up . Looking for a fresh start , Tim 's mother took her two children up to St . Louis . She managed to get a job at a bank as a teller . For the next couple years , she struggled as a single parent of two in her 20s , trying to make ends meet as well as trying to have a social life . When she couldn 't take it anymore , she knew something drastic had to be done she moved back to her hometown and in with her mother . Tim 's grandmother , Lenore , was put in the position to do most of the raising of Tim and his sister . Though not well - off , evident by her living arrangements , Timothy 's grandmother was not destitute . Her late husband left her the land , which was completely paid for , as well as the trailer in which they lived . Between Social Security and the houses she cleaned for cash , she made a decent living . Enough to spoil her only two grandchildren , who got practically whatever they wanted . A little lonely Tim 's grandmother welcomed the opportunity to take the role of being a mother . She did an excellent job of it too . She made sure they had breakfast and got them to school in the mornings . Then would pick them up and take them for the occasional McDonald 's milkshake in the afternoon . At night she made sure whatever homework they had got done . She let them watch a little TV and made them an enjoyable meal . Being The man of the house , Tim got to choose what he wanted for dinner . Yes , he was quite spoiled . His favorite meal were these cheeseburgers his grandmother made on sourdough bread . Later in life , he realized what she was making were Patty melts . On Saturdays , the big deal was to make a trip to the grocery store . This is where Tim got to pick out what he wanted to eat the rest of the week . Especially his favorite cereals . Saturday nights was also movie nights which included homemade popcorn cooked in a cast - iron skillet on the stove top . Summer vacations were not typical for Tim . As his grandmother 's trailer was way outside the city limits . There weren 't any neighbor boys to play with for miles . He spent most of his summer days watching daytime television or helping his grandmother tend to their garden . On the days where she left to clean houses , he was left at home alone with his sister . Tim was a typical big brother . He both bullied his sister and took care of her . He found her as a suitable playmate though he would have preferred the company of little brother . Though she loved both Tim and Vanessa equally , you could tell that there is a special bond between Lenore and Tim . In her eyes , Tim could do no wrong . They were so connected that she could feel Tim 's pain every time he took a beating from his mother . It broke her heart . Though , she never stepped in to stop it . It was Tim 's grandmother that signed him up for his first martial arts school after he came home from school one day with a shiner . He seemed to be a natural at it and got his Tae Kwan Do black belt in just a couple years . Bored with all the kicks , he signed up at the only other martial arts school in town . A Kempo Karate dojo owned by a guy who had never left the country and who had learned Karate from another man who never left the country . The training was sufficient for most of who attended the school . By the time Tim was fourteen he had years of training under his belt . Some of his movements had become instinctual . So , he couldn 't help himself when his mother went to slap him in the face . Without even thinking about it , he blocked swing with his left arm . Tim 's mom felt a significant sting when this happened , but it wasn 't as much from the contact her wrist made with Tim 's forearm as it was the realization that she could no longer beat her son into submission . Tim went to live with his father by the end of that very month . One day in fifth grade , Tim got unexpectedly called principal 's office . Expecting some sort of ass chewing , Tim was surprised when he walked into the principal 's office and found his father sitting there . His eyes were dry , but the redness made it evident that he had been crying . The principal asked him to sit down and said that his father had something to tell him . Pop was Tim 's father 's dad . The only real grandfather he had . Pop was responsible for allowing Tim to do little boy things . Fishing , riding on the tractor , hunting for crawdads in the creek and the like . Tim 's relationship with Pop was not as strong as his relationship with his grandmother , but it was a close second . She was sitting on the couch watching TV when he walked in . She already knew . Her arms were out as soon as he walked through the door . He ran straight to them . That 's when he broke down . As he sobbed in her big grandma arms , she comforted him and said , " It 's all right . " She rubbed his back and continued with , " Let it out . Let it out . " She didn 't say anything to try and make him feel better , to take away from the reality that was his grandpa 's death . She just gave him permission to cry and let him . They had just made love , and Tim was quite proud of what he had accomplished . " You love it , " he said as he picked up his phone . Maria still looking at him , amazed by his arrogance . It was breast cancer . A mammography found it . It had been quite some time since her previous mammography due to crappy insurance . Surgery was scheduled right away . The issue was her health . It was poor . She was obese and diabetic . A simple walk from the car to grocery store entrance required her to sit down and catch her breath . The doctors worried that when they put her under to perform the procedure , she would never wake up . Sitting on the bed , she held him while he cried . Rubbing his back and saying nothing to him except , " It 's all right . Let it out . Let it out . " Maria observed everything from a safe distance . When Tim made inquiries in the following mornings , she reported nothing . She thought it was best he didn 't know . If Tim knew , he might insist that they go back to the doctor . Maria couldn 't stand the thought of her husband with all those probes connected to his head sleeping in a strange bed for observation . Tim could insist he go back on the meds . For Maria , this was absolutely out of the question . So , she did what she thought was best . She kept silent . With Tim 's discharge from the Air Force , Tim and Maria had to move off base . They bought a half - plex in the city of Roseville . In case you are wondering , a half - plex is half of a duplex . It was all they could afford . The housing bubble hadn 't quite burst yet , and California property values were still bloated . They had a plan to eventually buy the other side and start their lives as real estate tycoons . Although it wasn 't the closest city to the base , they always preferred to travel to Roseville to run errands or go to a movie . It was worth the drive , " It 's just nicer , " Maria admitted . It also gave them an opportunity to stop in Lincoln for pancakes or tacos . So , it was obvious when it came time to finding a place to buy a house . Plus , Maria already worked in Roseville so living there shortened her commute to practically nothing . Tim had picked up a well - paying job working second shift at the Sutter Roseville Medical Center . This is why sleeping in till noon seemed natural to him . When Tim lost that job , he never noticed that he kept sleeping in till noon , even though he was going to bed at a normal hour . Maria continued to sleep through her husband 's sleep walking . She never noticed anything wrong in the morning , so she just assumed things were fine . Until one morning while on her way to the car to go to work , she saw that the back door was open . Not wide open but just enough to not latch shut . They had a carport in the back with room enough for just one car . This is where she parked so , every morning she walked through the laundry room , out the back door to go to work . For the next few nights , she made sure that when they went to bed , that the back door was indeed locked . And most mornings she found it either unlocked or not closed all the way . That 's when she knew that Tim was leaving the house at night . / 0 Comments Knowing that the dance was over at 10 : 00 , Hector arrived at the Kims 's at 10 : 15 . He anticipated that he would have to wait five minutes or so , but after 20 minutes had gone by , he began to worry . By 10 : 45 he was knocking on the Kims 's door trying to communicate with Mr . Kim about the whereabouts of their daughters , but he had no luck . Mr . Kim spoke neither Spanish nor English . By 10 : 55 Hector had said " Fuck This " and drove off looking for his daughter . There was not much to Hector Rodriguez . He was of below average height and below average build , but years of manual labor yielded him above average strength . He was quite the athlete too . He played minor league baseball for one season but gave it all up when Espi became pregnant with their first born . He would have liked to continue playing baseball , but his mother told him his decision to stop having fun and go to work was made as soon as he put his " pito " into Espi . Hector settled for beer league softball for the rest of his days . His years as a landscaper built and strengthen his legs and lower back . His short stature made it easy for him to get down to the ground . He was a hell of an infielder . Nothing could get past him . He loved playing shortstop or even third base , but because he was the only member of the senior league team who could still squat , the team usually posted him behind the plate . Hector drove the route he anticipated the girls would take to walk home . There was no sign of them . When he got to the high school , he saw that it was dark and empty , except for one car . From a distance , it seemed that there were some people there hanging out , so he pulled into the parking lot to ask them if they had seen the two girls . When he got closer to the car , he could see that the people hanging out were actually a couple that appeared to be fighting . Oh great , he thought , this is the last thing I need . He thought about just driving off but then he thought what if the woman was in trouble . He thought at least the approach of his car would interrupt the conflict , but it didn 't . The cholo was too high to hear or see the approaching vehicle . As Hector approached the cholo on foot , he thought a little about how hard to swing . At the moment , murder was not something he wanted to have on his conscious . When he swung , it wasn 't with everything he had , but it was enough . The cholo never knew what hit him . " Did he violate you ? " Hector stood there panting , both hands at the bottom of the bat 's handle , pointing it at the knocked out cholo . He wasn 't even looking at Maria . At this moment , Hector was no longer a rational man thinking of avoiding a murder charge . He was one word away from bashing in the skull of Flaco . Maria 's words snapped Hector out of his trance . " Get in the Tahoe , Mija . " He let Flaco be and reached over to open the back door to the Caprice Classic . In it , he found Little Joker having his way with a crying Kim Kim . " Hey ! " Hector said . " Get the hell off of her . " Maria hadn 't listened to her father . While he was distracting Little Whatever , she was on the opposite side of the car helping Kim regain her composure and get to safety . When she got a chance to look over at her father , she couldn 't see him . The cholo was so big that he concealed Hector from her just by standing between the two of them . Maria thought there was no way her father could win in a fight between him and Little Joe . From the front seat of the Tahoe , Maria could see the big cholo swing his boulder of a fist toward Hector 's head . " Daddy ! " she screamed . Maria didn 't have to be concerned very long . Within seconds cholo number two was on the ground , and she saw her dad standing there raising his bat over his head to let it come down across the back of Little Shorty for good measure . When the cholo began his swing , without thinking , Hector dropped into a squat as if he was going to pull weeds or catch a pitch . Little Joker completely missed , and when the coast was clear , Hector stood up with all the force of his cocked legs and caught the cholo right on the chin with the very top of his bat . As bad and tough as he was , the big cholo found out that night that he had a glass jaw . While digging through Flaco 's back pocket , Hector addressed little Joker or Shorty or whatever the hell his name was . He was down but still conscious . " I 'm taking your drivers license . I know who you are and I know where you live . Either of you two fuckers ever touch my daughter again , and I 'll send my son after you , and he is not as nice as I am . " / 2 Comments They once hated Esperanza Diamanté , these women who gathered in front of her chocolate shop . Now , now they admired her almost to the point of worship . But they felt pity for her too . Not just today 's handful of women , but all of the women who ate her chocolates . For since the day she 'd arrived in Barra , seven years before , Esperanza Diamanté had not yet taken a lover . It was three minutes till two on Saturday afternoon . The women were waiting for Esperanza to open her shop , as they always did . The store 's massive floor - to - ceiling doors opened at two sharp every day , and by two - thirty , the goods were sold out . None of the women waiting were first - time customers . Many had been buying Esperanza 's chocolates from the beginning . They 'd had no reason to hate her when she first arrived . No reason other than what they made up in their heads . She came to town on a Monday . The flood of people that had poured in for Semana Santa was receding . The busses were arriving nearly empty , but leaving completely full . For the rest of the year , until the next Semana Santa , the small fishing village of Barra de Navidad would be a ghost town . As soon as Esperanza stepped off the bus , rumors started spreading . It was her raw beauty that struck fear more than hate into the women of the village . If Esperanza didn 't steal their husbands , she would at least steal their husbands ' attention . She carried two old leather bags , which contained everything she owned . Her long , black hair draped over her bare shoulders . Her white cotton blouse had elastic at the top and bottom . The top of her blouse was pulled down , exposing her shoulders , and the bottom fit snugly just under her breasts . The material was sheer enough to leave no mystery about the color and size of her nipples . Even though the blouse was baggy , you could see that she was well endowed , a chichona . From the bottom of her blouse to the top of her skirt 's waistband was nothing but exposed brown skin . If one got close enough , one could see a light trail of hair , bleached by the sun , that led from her belly button to deep , down into her panties , had she been wearing any . Her skirt was made of the same simple cotton as her blouse , but dyed turquoise . It flowed from her waist all the way down to her feet . Unlike her blouse , the skirt did leave a mystery of what her body looked like underneath , unless the sun gave away her secret . She had the exact top and skirt in her luggage , except her second skirt was red . These two skirts and blouses , a black shawl , and the bathing suit she 'd bought the day before were the only clothes she had in her possession , the only clothes she owned . On her feet were the only items that did not resemble those of a peasant girl . They were finely handmade leather thong sandals that had pieces of turquoise with red specks on the strap that went from her ankle to between her toes . The ankle strap had little silver charms that hung down and made a little jingle as she walked . It was as if the sandals were meant to draw the attention away from her figure or her piercing green eyes , but it was useless . Even her feet were arousing . They were flawless , except that her second toe was longer than her big toe . But even this flaw was appealing . As anyone knows , this is a sign of a passionate lover . This was all in the past now . The women of the village not only loved and respected her , but they trusted her . They no longer feared she would steal their husbands . In seven years she had not only not stolen anyone 's husband , but hadn 't even taken an available man to her bed . More than anything else , they revered her because of her chocolates and the pleasure they brought . It was two p . m . when the ladies heard the metal bolt on the other side of the giant doors unlatch . Both doors simultaneously swung open . There she was , the beautiful Esperanza , with her green eyes , black hair , white cotton blouse , red skirt , and fancy sandals . " Pásanle , mujeres . There are plenty of chocolates for all of you . " / 0 Comments In 9th grade , Maria was finally allowed to go to a school dance . It wasn 't a formal one . It was one of those that took place on a school night . Still , Maria was excited to finally go to a dance . Maria 's longtime friend Kim invited to the dance . Kim 's first name and last name were both Kim . Maria met her in elementary school . Kim Kim wasn 't known as Kim Kim then . Back then , she was Mi Na Kim . Mi Na 's parents had immigrated to the states before Mi Na was born . After years of complaining , the Kims decided to let their kids change their names to something " more American - sounding . " Mi Na 's older brother , Sun , picked the name , John . Mi Na picked , Kim . Assuming she would one day be married and that her last name would change , Kim 's mom didn 't see and issue with it . Of course , it never ocurred to her that Kim could marry another Korean with the last name of Kim . Kim and Maria were schoolmates from kindergarten until the Kims decided that paying for high school was out of the out of the question . So while Maria got dropped off for her first day of high school at Junípero Serra High School , Kim walked several blocks to her first day of school at Gardena High . This is why Hector had a problem with Maria going to the dance ; because it was at the public school . Statistics aside , Hector assumed that everything about public school was sinful . Public school kids did drugs and had sex . Catholic school kids did too , but Hector was blind to this fact . Never mind that he met his wife , Espi , when she was attending a Catholic high school , and they did drugs and had sex then . The plan was for Hector to drop off Maria at the Kims 's . Maria and Kim would walk the few blocks to the dance and return as soon as it ended at ten o ' clock . Maria and Kim would then walk back to Kim 's house where Hector would be waiting to take Maria home . It turns out Kim was having the secret relationship with a junior named , Antony . He went by Tony . There were two reasons why this relationship was kept a secret from Kim 's parents . One , he was older and two , he was black . To the Kims , open minded was allowing Kim to date other Asians , not specifically Koreans . But they were heavily partial to her dating other Koreans . Maria spent most of the dance sitting alone , while Kim and Tony rubbed their groins together rhythmically on the dance floor . She couldn 't wait for it to be over . She was grateful when the lights came on , and it was time to leave , but Kim was in no hurry to leave . " Oh my god , Kim , hurry . My dad is gonna be waiting for me . " Maria , patiently waited for her friend to finish whatever it was she was doing . She stood there in the cool night air watching the gymnasium empty until finally , the last person walked out . This person kicked up the door stop allowing the door to close , and automatically lock itself when it latched shut . With the parking lot nearly empty and no foot traffic , the ambient noise level dropped enough that Maria could hear the faint sound of moans coming from the dark corner to where Kim . Maria was still unsure of exactly what was going on over there in the darkness , but in the back of her mind , the sounds were familiar . As if she had heard them before one night in bed when she couldn 't sleep , coming down the hall from her parent 's bedroom . " Kim , let 's go ! " It had been 10 minutes since that the doors of the gym were closed . No response . While pacing around a bit to help the time pass by , she got a glimpse of the parking lot . There were only two cars still parked there . One of them must have been Tony 's , she assumed . Maybe he could give us a ride , she thought . Five more minutes had passed when she heard a woman 's voice shout , " Antony . " Right away , Maria knew it was not Kim who yelled his name . One - it was not Kim 's voice . Two - Kim called him Tony . And three - It was coming from a dark figure walking up from the parking lot towards Maria . " Antony ! " She was a tall , lanky woman . She wore pajama bottoms , house slippers , an oversized t - shirt , and a scarf wrapped around her head . Her breast visibly swung underneath her t - shirt like a grandfather clock that had two pendulums , if one were to exist . She pronounced his name Ant - nee as if there was not an " o " in it at all . Despite the woman 's youthful face , Maria knew the look of a mother . And this one was Tony 's . " Hello , young lady , " said Tony 's mother . " Have you seen a tall , skinny , light skinned black boy around here ? " Before Maria could respond , Tony ' walked out from the dark corner . " Boy , what the hell is wrong with you ? Got me waiting in the car like a got damn chauffeur ? " She didn 't wait for a response . " Let 's go ! " " Yeah . That 's kind of disappointing , " Kim said . " But now it makes sense that he wanted to do it behind the gym and not in his car . " Maria couldn 't understand how her friend was so nonchalant about sex . The church had her believing that it was strictly for her future husband and that only sinners and harlots , had sex before marriage . Eventually , though , Maria would convince herself that sex with someone you love was equally as virtuous . " We have to go , " Maria said . " I am going to be in so much trouble . My dad is going to be fuming by the time we get to your house . " Thick plumes of smoke and the music of Brenton Wood rolled out from the cracked window of the Caprice Classic . In it were two Cholos sitting in the from seat getting higher with every inhalation . Though not related , they looked like twins . Same shaved head , same khaki Dickies , same black Nikes . Their only differences were their stature and choice in t - shirts . The taller one with the muscles , who was probably called " Little " something ( Joe , Shorty , Joker , whatever ) , wore a white wife beater . The skinny one , probably called " Flaco , " wore a plain , white , crisply pressed t - shirt . Flaco was behind the wheel , and Little Joe was in the passenger seat . Technically Flaco was a student at Gardena High though he never went . His truancy was why he was on his second attempt at the 12th grade . Little Shorty had dropped out the year before to work and party . He was Flaco 's guest to the dance . They had hopped on picking up some girls but weren 't having any luck . They left the dance for the parking lot to get high and never went back . For over 90 minutes Flaco had been rambling on about girls , drugs , cars , and money . Not once did he notice that Little Joker hadn 't said a word . As Maria and Kim approached the car Little Whatever finally spoke , " Oye , güey . Mira la Chinita ! " When Maria got close enough to the Caprice Classic , she knew that they weren 't getting a ride . She didn 't recognize the car in particular but she recognized the type . Thanks to her older brother , she was well educated in the ways of the cholo . " We 're walking home , " She told Kim . " Trust me . You do not want to get in that car . " " Let 's go , Homes , " Flaco said to Little Joe as he patted him on the side of his leg with the back of his hand while he opened the driver 's side door . " You can have the Chinita . I 'll take the shorty . " Although she didn 't want to , it was easy to get Kim into the backseat of the Cholo 's car . Maria was resisting but not too much . Flaco had already grabbed her by the wrist when she stared backing away as he approached her and it hurt . She knew not to get in the car but she also knew she didn 't want to resist to harshly . She was afraid of provoking a violent response from the cholo . Maria realized that she was in a predicament , unaware of how she was going to get out of it . At least she wasn 't in the situation her long time friend was in . For the second time that night Kim found her skirt raised up over her ass . Little Shorty was working on getting an erection . Though Kim had said no repeatedly , he was not convinced . He mistook Tony 's secretions for Kim 's and thought for sure she wanted him . If he had only known what it was that was on his fingers , his attempt to rape Kim Kim would have ended right then and there . Flaco was now kissing Maria on her neck . He had gone for her mouth but she turned her head in disgust . Tears silently rolled down Maria 's face . She thought herself helpless as she felt Flaco 's hand begin it 's decent into her panties . She tried to push him away but he had her firmly pinned between the car and himself . His fingers were past her waistband and now working their way through her pubic hair . Maria started pounding on him with the side of her fist on her one free hand but it was useless . Flaco 's fingers were now past her clitoris and poised to enter her forcefully . Maria braced herself and closed her eyes . She prepared to feel something , for the first time in her life , enter her vagina . That 's when she heard the thunk of something metal and hollow . When she opened her eyes , Flaco was out cold on the ground , his hand no longer down her panties , and standing there with an aluminum baseball bat in his hand , was Hector . I am excited to post this . I worked for over a month on this chapter and its continuation . I can usually write a chapter in one sitting but that was not the case for this one . I hope the reason for telling this story of Maria in high school will be understood later in the book . / 0 Comments Because of Tim 's rank , he eventually got a room to himself . That 's when Maria started spending the night on a regular basis . Every morning she would get up a little earlier than usual and head back to her dorm room to get ready for work . It was just easier to do this since , even though Tim had his own room , he still had to share a bathroom with someone . Within the next few months , Tim 's housing status changed again . He was allowed to move off - base and started receiving BAH . BAH stands for basic allowance for housing . Tim got a shitty little apartment outside of base in the town of Marysville . It was your typical crappy apartment complex . The units still smelt of the previous occupants , the walls were paper thin , and the assigned covered parking spaces were too small for anything other than a compact car . The steps to the upper floors were so worn that the once square corners of the wooden planks were now round and splintered . Once he signed the lease , Tim headed off to the closest Goodwill to furnish his apartment . He picked up a bundle of utensils that were taped together with clear plastic packing tape marked $ 5 . 99 , one pot , two drinking glasses , and two coffee mugs ( Though he hadn 't figured how he was going to make coffee ) . He found a semi used mattress and flat screen TV on Craig 's List and put them both on the floor of the bedroom . Back on base , he loaded his pickup with his dorm room contents , made a stop at the Base Exchange for some bedding , and stopped the chow how for one last free meal . Tim 's first night in his apartment was also Maria 's first night in his apartment . She became what was known as a ghost . A ghost was someone who kept their dorm room because they were not authorized to move off base yet but lived off base anyway . When it came to dorm room inspections , their bed always looked perfect , as if no one had slept in it , because no one had . It was on that first night Maria realized that Timothy 's apartment was going to need a " woman 's touch . " Most of the people they associated with called him Rogers . Nobody she knew called him by his first name . To Maria , calling him Rogers just didn 't seem right but neither did Tim . For some reason , she started calling him Timothy when she learned of his full name , Timothy Adam Rogers but mostly she just called him babe . Unlike Tim , Maria knew that one day she would live on her own and started preparing for it as a teenager . She knew that someday she would have her own kitchen . So , every time her mother upgraded any type of appliance or utensil , Maria saved the old version in boxes she kept in the garage of her childhood home . Her mother upgraded so often that it got to the point the Maria was replacing items she hadn 't even used . By the time Maria joined the Air Force she was already on her second coffee maker , toaster , wooden spoon set , and blender . " I 'm going to have to go home and get some stuff before too long . We can 't live like this , " Maria told Tim . " Oh my God Timothy . I just had to heat up tomato soup then dump it into bowls so that I can use the same pot to make grilled cheese sandwiches . That 's like what . I can 't have my kitchen like this . " " Then yeah , it 's my kitchen , " she affirmed . " I 'm gonna put in for a couple of days leave . That way I can go during the middle of the week while you 're at work and we don 't miss out on time any time together . " " Listen , it 's not that I don 't want to tell them , but they are very Catholic and very Mexican , you know ? They probably still think I 'm a virgin . Telling them that I have a boyfriend and that I 'm living with him would just cause a bunch of drama I do not want to deal with right now . Not yet . " " Ay Dios mío ! " Maria said this more to mock her mother that to really say it , holding her hands up looking up at the ceiling . She then brought her hands to the sides of Tim 's head and gave him a kiss . She then picked up his bowl and plate , which were paper , and took them to the trash . There may have been a little of gender roles because of Maria 's upbringing , but she honestly did love to do things for Tim . He never expected it of her but let her serve him as much as she wanted . He loved it and loved her for it . Being taken care of by woman was something he truly missed . Both because he did not get it from his mother and because he got it so much from grandma . Maria could see the appreciation on his face when she put a plate of food down in front of him . It made her warm inside . I actually spent most of my morning getting another chapter ready but chose to publish this one instead . I felt like the other needed more work . It turned out this one needed a lot too . Still feels like it does but I hit the road so here it is . / 0 Comments Maria 's first night with Tim was a night of firsts . It was her first time at a Civil Engineers dorm party . The first time going home with a guy she just met . The first time she ever had sex on a top bunk while someone was asleep on the bottom . And the first time a man has ever given her an orgasm . Tim was her third lover . Her Catholic upbringing had her put off sex as long as she could with her longtime high school boyfriend . By the time the senior prom came around , she felt obligated to give it up in the back of a rented limousine . Her boyfriend , however , had been having sex the whole time with a neighbor girl who went to the public school . Maria eventually found out through a friend who went to that same public school and broke if off with him . The experience crushed her . She met her second lover in college . Well , a failed attempt at college . She dropped out of the nursing program when she realized that bodily fluids made her vomit . The good news was she didn 't want to be a nurse . The plan to go to nursing school was that of her mother . The bad news was her little bit of college qualified her for a job the Air Force was in dire need of , a Medical Technician . The irony is that she worked in the lab and was surrounded by bodily fluids . Luckily , seeing them in plastic cups and glass tubes was a little more tolerable than seeing them actually coming out of a human . Her second lover was a nice . That 's all . Just nice . They in her Human Anatomy class and paired up as study partners . She liked him but was not enough to date him . She decided to sleep with him out of curiosity 's sake more than anything else . It was bland and uneventful . Tim was a passionate and affectionate lover . He cared when it came to pleasing a woman . His knowledge of a woman 's body came from reading his mother 's women 's magazines after school as a curious teenager . Being emotionally abused by his mother until she finally stopped talking to him altogether at the age of 17 gave him a subconscious desire seek the approval of the women in his life . All this put him at a significant advantage over other boys his age when it came to making love . As drunk as he was that night he carried Maria to his dorm room , he was still able to make her feel like she had never felt before . Being in such a hurry and a little ashamed , Maria didn 't leave her number the morning she left his room . Tim took it as a hint that she didn 't want to see him again . He , of course , thought that she wasn 't pleased with his performance . Tim tried his best to avoid Maria . This would have been a lot easier if they didn 't work in the same building . When Tim swung by the chow hall early on Mondy to pick up some breakfast , he was sure to grab a couple extra boiled eggs for lunch . He stayed in the basement of the hospital all day that day but knew there was a chance he would see her at dinner . Every meal provided at the dining facility was free and most times , not bad . All the Airmen that lived in the dorms ate at the dining facility . So , on Monday night , Tim and Maria ate their meal avoiding eye contact with each other . They each pretended to be involved in the conversations happening at each of their individual tables , but this was all an act . The truth was , they were more interested in the person eating on the other side of the room . The act continued on Tuesday , Wednesday , and Thursday night . On Friday , Tim didn 't eat at the dining facility . He and a few of his other Civil Engineers decided to hit the lake for the weekend . Friday night on the lake was deemed by the boys as a " sausage party . " It was just them , not a female in sight . They cooked hot dogs over the campfire and got shit - faced drunk off cheap beer . The next morning they decided they " needed some chicks . " Since Stewart had a phobia of taking a shit in public places , the boys tasked him with getting more beer and inviting some girls to come out when he went back to the base to take his morning dump . " Don 't bring back any of that cheap shit either , " someone shouted as he got into his $ 300 car . It had a huge hole in the radiator and would over heat if he drove it too long . Usually , it would last long enough for him to get to one location . He could then only drive it again after it had sat long enough to cool off . Stewart was notoriously cheap and would often only buy the beer that offered a mail in rebate . Though he stole the envelopes from the government , he still lost a good portion of his rebate to the cost of the stamp . The only time Stewart didn 't pinch pennies was when he was gambling . " Bet you twenty bucks I bring some chicks back , " he said to no one in particular as he headed off to the base . Stewart was the first to get out . " Miss me , fuckers ? " He proudly held up two 24 packs of Old Milwaukee 's Best . " Someone owes me twenty bucks ! " Stewart 's first stop was the liquor store on base . That 's where he ran into Jay . One of the only Engineers who went by his first name even though he was a Staff Sergeant . And the only one of all of them that had a boat . He was on his way to the lake and was swinging through the base to pick up his girlfriend who lived in the hospital dorm . Stewart made the mistake of making two stops , the liquor store and then the dorms . By the time he was done using the toilet , his car was still too hot to drive . He could see Jay 's truck at the hospital dorm . He grabbed his two suitcases of beer and walked over to catch a ride . Stewart was lucky . Jay should have been long gone by now , but he had successfully gotten his girl to get a group of friends together to join them at the lake . He was waiting on them all the get ready and pack an overnight bag . There were so many of them they had to take two cars . " You can have this one . I just opened it . " He handed her the beer and just like that , the awkwardness and tension that had been there for a week was gone . The first thing she did was kick off her Vans . Tim tried not to stare , but there was no way he wasn 't going to watch . He took in every detail of her body as stripped down to her bikini . Maria pretended not to notice him watching her . Her feet were small and cute with toes painted blue , of all colors . Next , were her jeans . The act of her taking them off was a turn on for Tim but what it revealed was even better . Her hips were wide . Her jeans had seemed to accentuate them . Tight little asses were nice , but there was something about a woman with " child bearing hips " that Tim found more appealing . Next was the baseball cap . As soon as it came off , her hair fell all the way down to the small of her back . He had never seen her hair down , not even the one time he saw her out of uniform . The t - shirt was next . Even though Tim was a fan of obnoxiously large breasts , he found her small perky boobs to be perfect . Obviously , Tim had been naked with her exactly one week prior , but he was drunk , and it was in the dark . He didn 't really get to lay his eyes on her . He loved everything he saw . Maria put her cap back on and pulled her hair once again through the hole in the back and slipped her Vans back on . She pulled an insulated cool cup for her beer out of her backpack and then stuffed it with her clothes . Instead of slinging the pack over her shoulder , she held it by the strap in one hand , palm up , looking for a place to put it . She was about to head back to the SUV when Tim spoke up . " Here ! You can put it in here . This is my tent . " The rest of the afternoon the two of them never separated from each other 's side . After a while , nothing was holding back their physical attraction to each other . Hands rested on thighs , quick smooches were given , footsie was played , and sunblock was applied . From the looks of it , most people would have guessed they had been a couple for a while , not someone who just screwed last week and hadn 't spoken to each other since . Being the only two out of the group who weren 't completely drunk the night before , Maria and Tim were the first to wake up that Sunday morning . There had been lots of lovemaking the night before . Some of it even ended with a round of applause . As the walls of Tim 's tent did not do much to block any sounds coming from it . " Fucking starving ! " Maria said . The boys had not really prepared to feed themselves much less and the entire group of girls that showed up later . Luckily , Jay had brought some extra food , but it still wasn 't enough . Most of the group went to bed drunk and hungry . Tim broke down his tent , packed it up with the rest of his gear , and threw it in the bed of his pickup truck . He peeked his head into the large tent that belonged to one of the other guys , bodies where scatters all over the floor like a scene from a zombie movie . " Hey , one of you ride home with the girls in SUV . " The only response he got was a thumbs up . They 'll figure it out themselves , he thought . Tim got to an intersection where he was going to make a right towards the base when got an idea . " I know this place in Lincoln that has some sick pancakes . Do you want to go ? It 's a lot better than the chow hall , promise . " For the first time since they officially met , it was just them . No booze , no dancing , no friends , no sex , just them . For the entire time , the drive to Lincoln , waiting to order , waiting for their food , during their meal and the drive back to base there was not one uncomfortable silence . They talked and laughed and started catching each other up on all the years of their lives each other had missed . This is the longest chapter I have written so far , 2300 words . I love how I can take details from my life and then mix them with pure imagination to come up with the story I am telling you . I hope you are enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it . |
I could feel the dirt caking beneath my fingernails as I tried to get Connie out of there . She was buried up to her bare shoulders and I could see her tan line , a little white spaghetti strap shape from her bikini . She was still breathing , that much I could tell , and her eyes were open but she wasn 't seeing me … she wasn 't seeing me . Trying to dig out someone with your bare hands is fucking hard . A couple of my nail tips ripped off already , but I don 't care . I have to get her out of there . I don 't know where her dad is , and I don 't know when he 's coming back . " Connie ! Connie ! Wake up , it 's Marissa ! " I didn 't want to stop digging even for a second , but I wanted to slap at her face and see if it would snap her out of it . " What did he do to you ? " I heard my voice crack at the end . And then my cheeks started getting wet . I knew I shouldn 't 've let her come here alone . She was just going to pick up a few things , and then we were going to leave for Boston and never think about this stupid hick town again . I brushed away the tears and kept digging . I could see the top of her boobs where that adorable little mole was on her upper right one . Then I saw a tiny ant crawl over it and gagged , but I didn 't stop digging . I felt myself about to get sick and clamped my mouth shut and breathed through my nose , the way I always do to keep myself from throwing up . I just pretend there 's a lock on my mouth , and concentrate on something else . It 's worked every time I got too drunk and every time I got the flu . Focusing too much on the task at hand wasn 't helping , as I kept thinking about worms crawling in and out of her . I made myself think about happier times between us , like the first time I won her a teddy bear playing Whack - a - Mole , and the first time we kissed . That brought me back to how we got started in the first place . Connie and I have been friends for as long as I could remember . We sat next to each other in Mrs . Greenfield 's class second grade , and again in Mr . Hennesy 's class fifth grade . But it wasn 't until junior high that we realized how we really felt about each other . I was always a tomboy , played softball and field hockey and just had more fun hanging out with the boys . But the thought of kissing them made me uncomfortable . I thought I just wasn 't ready , but that I would be one day whenever I got married . But that day was a long way off , so I concentrated on school , sports and having fun with my friend Connie , the girl I liked hanging out with more than any other girl at school . I guess you could say we were best friends , but we never referred to each other as anything lame and co - dependent like that . Connie was more girly than a tomboy , but in other ways she was a lot like me . She didn 't like the thought of kissing boys either . We thought we 'd try practicing on each other , to see how it went , and one day decided to try it in her bedroom . The first time we kissed felt like Fourth of July , Christmas , and a trip to Canobie Lake all rolled into one . Connie said she saw stars in the sky even though it was the middle of the day . I remember saying to myself that if that 's what kissing was like , I was ready to start kissing boys . Connie was more into trying it with boys again than I was , but I went along with it for her sake . We tried a couple more double dates ; Connie even went so far as to giving a boy a blow job but I couldn 't make it that far . When she went down on me for the first time , she said it was about a thousand times better than when she went down on the boy . One time , after my softball practice we went into the dugout and hid until everyone left . Then we kissed and took turns eating each other out for hours and hours , and Connie said it gave new meaning to the term " nappy dugout . " I loved her for stuff like that . Just after Connie 's eighteenth birthday last week , she decided to come out to her parents . I warned her about it , since I knew people like her dad , who thought women and anyone who wasn 't white was beneath him , couldn 't be reasoned with , but she insisted . She wanted to be up front with them , but we were moving in together no matter what they said . We already paid first month 's rent , and had enough saved for us to get by for the next couple months . I 'll get a job doing anything , I don 't care if I have to work five jobs , I 'll do whatever it takes . I didn 't have the same parental problems as Connie since mine died when I was a baby . My grandmother raised me , and I did come out to her , but she 's always been so indifferent toward me I don 't know if she was happy about it or happy about Wheel of Fortune coming on . She never seemed to notice how often Connie stayed over , in my room , sometimes for days on end . Connie 's dad didn 't take it so well , as suspected . Her mother didn 't say anything , just got up and started doing the dishes , humming to herself . Her dad got up and slammed the door on his way into the backyard , and we could hear the sounds of glass breaking . I got up and peered through the window ; he was throwing beer bottles at the cemented patio . Connie stayed at my place that night . The car was in the garage , but no one answered the door . The door was unlocked so I walked inside . The television was on , but no one was watching it . I called " Hello ! " a couple times but no answer . I turned to walk upstairs to Connie 's room , and saw that the door to the basement was open . I thought maybe Connie was down there looking for boxes or something , and just didn 't hear me when I called . I walked by the kitchen to get to the basement door when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye . I could 've sworn someone was in the kitchen , I just felt something . I called " Hello ? " again , but no answer . I reached around the door to the basement and turned on the light switch . I looked down , and at the bottom of the stairs saw my girlfriend buried up to her shoulders in a pile of dirt , the back of her blond head tilted to one side . I kept saying her name , trying to get her to wake up and see me . I thought maybe if I started talking , just talking normally like we always do together , it might get her to come around . I 'd heard somewhere that sometimes worked with comatose patients . We had started to watch the movie Blood Simple . the other night , but never got around to finishing it . Connie had never seen it before . It was one of the movies on our list of " cool unknown thrillers " we 'd been working through . Last week we watched Shallow Grave . " So the best part about Blood Simple . is the ending , so we 'll have to finish it at some point . I don 't want to give too much away , but you 'll like it . I know you didn 't seem that into it , but trust me it 's worth it for the cool ending . I 'm not gonna give too much away , but Frances McDormand , you know Abby ? She kicks ass ! " I suddenly got the strangest thought , that maybe if I told Connie the ending to it , she would snap out of it . She hated it when I spoiled endings for her , in books and movies , I sometimes just couldn 't help it . I 'd wait for her to read the book , but I 'd want to talk about it so I 'd reveal some things that happened . She called me the Spoiler Princess . But I thought maybe , if I tell her the ending she 'll snap out of it . Maybe . " I know you 're going to kill me , but I just have to tell you the ending . So Ray is hiding out in the new apartment , and that creepy private detective guy is across the street with his gun aimed at the place . Abby comes in and turns on the light , and Ray tells her to turn them off ' cause he 's afraid they 're being watched . Now remember this whole time Ray hasn 't told Abby that her husband is dead ; she thinks he 's the one after them , but Ray knows it isn 't but he knows someone is . We know it 's the private detective guy , but they don 't . " They 're arguing and Abby turns the lights back on , Ray takes a step forward and next thing you know a shot comes from across the street , hits Ray and he 's dead ! Abby ducks and runs over to the spot underneath the window , and it works as a shield from anyone shootin ' in . Then she throws her clogs at the light bulb to smash it , to turn off the lights so he can 't see in . " I stopped to take a breath , and checked to see what Connie was doing . Nothing had changed ; she was still breathing , eyes open but not looking at anything . I didn 't know what else to do but keep on digging and talking to her . Noises came from upstairs , like someone walking around . I stopped and listened . I looked to see how far I 'd gotten Connie out , but still had a long way to go . I couldn 't figure out why it was taking so long to get to her . Then I realized , I was just digging through the dirt , not shoveling it . I wasn 't putting it anywhere , so it was piling back onto itself like snow . I wanted to cry my eyes out , then the basement door at the top of the stairs slammed shut . I panicked and backed away from Connie . There was an old washing machine turned upside down in the corner ; I crouched behind it . More noises from above . Then the door opened back up ; I peeked around the washing machine and saw Connie 's dad . I glanced at the mess I 'd made ; it was obvious someone had tried to dig her out . But I didn 't come out . Just because he knew I was down there , doesn 't mean I had to give in that easily . " You 're going to enjoy the show , wherever you are ! " He laughed and clapped his hands together . Then he pulled a metal folding chair out from behind the staircase . He opened it , and it creaked . It creaked again when he sat down on it , facing Connie . That 's when I saw he had something in his hand ; some kind of long metal wire with a bright green square attached to it . It was a fly - swatter , and he slapped Connie across both cheeks with it . The realization of just how insane her dad was had been sinking in since I 'd found Connie buried . I always knew this fucker was a bit nutty . Religious freaks usually are , especially the kind that have bright , colorful crucifixes hanging above their doorways . Anyone who looks upon a crucifixion as festive is missing more than a couple of cans from the six - pack . But I never realized just how insane he was . He even thinks Connie is responsible for being buried in the dirt . He 's one of those guys who would hit a woman and say " Look what you made me do ! " I felt the tears coming again . They washed away the dirt that was on my face . My fear started to turn into anger as I watched him slap Connie over and over again with the fly - swatter . It was somehow worse than hitting her with his hands . I wanted to hit him with something of my own , and I glanced around behind the washing machine but didn 't see anything . Connie 's dad stopped slapping her and stood up . I held my breath for a second , watching him . He placed the fly - swatter on the metal chair and shuffled over to the shelves that held a bunch of preserves and canned food . Then I heard the door that leads to the backyard open and he left , shutting the door behind him . I came out from behind the washing machine , but just stood there because I didn 't know exactly what to do . Do I keep digging out Connie ? Do I look for some kind of weapon ? Do I run upstairs and call for help ? Or do I peek outside to see what Connie 's dad is doing , and that 's what I went to do . But the second I started to walk over to the tiny basement window , I heard the backyard door open and I rushed back to my hiding place . I waited to hear the sound of the door close , but it didn 't . I heard Connie 's dad mumbling and some clinking noises , like he was moving glass jars around . Then he grunted , and I heard the door close but he didn 't walk into the basement . I peered around the side of the washing machine ; he wasn 't there . He must 've just grabbed something and then went right back out . So I waited a minute , then crept back out again . I tiptoed over to the window , but it was starting to get dark and I couldn 't really see anything anyway . I was worried her dad would see me , so I did one of the other things on my to - do list and looked for a weapon of some sort . So I went to the other side of the basement , hoping to find something in the storage area . There wasn 't much besides a bunch of stuff from Connie 's childhood . I saw an old rocking horse and a tricycle ; some clear plastic bins with dolls and jump ropes , her old pom poms and batons ; next to that was a bin marked " baby clothes " and then another marked " dance clothes . " My eyes went back to the bin with her old cheerleading stuff . Specifically the one with batons . I rushed over to it and snapped the top off , riffled through red and white pom poms and grabbed one of the batons . It was hard plastic with rubber ends , and I knew a baton wouldn 't be much of a weapon but it was the best I could do . I went back behind the washing machine , and a few seconds later heard the backyard door open . Connie 's dad walked back into the basement . He went over to his chair and brought it closer to Connie . He had a couple of things in his hands , a knife and a piece of wood . He was using the knife to carve the wood , and I couldn 't quite make out what he was carving it into , but he started whistling . He 's fucking whistling , what a sicko ! I looked at Connie , and could 've sworn I saw her twitch . That made me feel a lot better , she was still with me . I tightened my grip on the baton , and it suddenly felt like an even lesser weapon compared to his knife and whatever he was fashioning that piece of wood into . Not to mention the fact that he was about five times my size . At least I could try to stop him from hurting Connie . I just didn 't know what he was planning to do . If he was carving the piece of wood into a weapon to use against Connie , why didn 't he just use the knife ? And if he was going to kill her , why hadn 't he just done it already ? " But I suspect she 's around . " And he looked right at my hiding spot . Asshole was probably watching me from the backyard through the window the whole time . My palms were sweating so badly the baton slipped and almost hit the washing machine . I gasped , a bit too loudly . Connie 's dad chuckled and resumed whistling . I centered on the piece of wood , and it looked like he was carving it into the shape of a gun , and he appeared to be done with it . He put down the knife and blew excess shavings off the wooden gun and held it up . That 's when I saw what it was . It wasn 't a large wooden gun , it was a large wooden dick . Though the difference between the two in reality is slight ; they 're both so similar in shape , and action . And some people wonder why I don 't like to fuck men . " You see what this is sweetheart ? " He smiled and pointed the wooden dick at Connie . " I 've been working on this for you , ever since you and your little friend told me you think you 're both men . You 're not men . This means you 're a man . You seem to want one so badly , I made one for ya ! " He shook with laughter and I shook my head in disgust . " But we 'll save that for later . " He put the wooden dick on the floor next to the knife . The knife … it was a far better weapon than the stupid baton I was holding . I needed to get to that knife , but it was too far away , and too close to him . " For now , I 've got a real one for you sweetheart . " I looked at Connie 's dad , not sure I heard him right . But then he unzipped his pants and pulled out his own dick . It looked disgusting , filthy and hairy . I felt like I was going to throw up again , and kept my mouth closed tight . He crouched down next to Connie holding it in his hands , and hit her across the face with it . This was even worse than the fly - swatter . Then he opened up her mouth . Now I really felt like I was going to throw up … Really , and God also intended for a father to abuse his daughter like this ? Connie was so out of it , I hoped she had no idea what was going on . He started pushing himself into her mouth , and I realized he was further away from the knife , and no longer facing my direction . I knew it was my chance , so I started creeping out from behind the washing machine , keeping my eyes on him . I ran over to the knife and grabbed it without hesitating . He didn 't even see me until I had the knife pointed at him . He pulled away from Connie , his dick sticking out and giving him this hideously comical look . He started laughing , but I could tell he was somewhat nervous since he tucked it back into his pants . That gave me a feeling of power and I took a step closer to him , now holding the knife across my chest so that my thumb was resting on the butt of the handle . One of the boys in school taught me how to hold it like that ; he said most people hold the knife like they 're pointing it , and that makes it easier for an attacker to take it away from you . " I can 't let my daughter leave . She 's my responsibility . I 've got to set her straight before she goes off into the world . " " Neither can you my little dyke ! " He reached out and tried to grab the knife . I backed up and swiped at him with it ; I heard it swoosh the air , it missed his arm by a couple inches . He grabbed for it again , and this time when I backed up I hit the chair he 'd been sitting on and stumbled . He grabbed my arm that was holding the knife , and twisted it so hard it felt like it was going to snap . Tears welled up in my eyes , but I wouldn 't give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry . " Stupid little girl , " he said , and then slapped me across the face . I wanted to kill that son of a bitch so badly right then and there . I lost every ounce of empathy I ever had as this rage bubbled up inside me . Years of playing softball and soccer made the muscles in my young legs so strong and supple , I wished that same strength had been in my arms . I could 've fought him harder when he tried for the knife . Women are stuck with strength in their legs , not in their arms , but it comes in handy when you have to kick a man in the balls . Which is exactly what I did . I summoned up all of that rage and energized it into the massive kick I laid into his groin , and I actually felt him stumble back a bit from the force of it . He screamed and cupped his groin , and dropped the knife in the process . I grabbed the knife and stood up , and that 's when I saw Connie 's mom . " Stop it right there , " she said and pointed the gun at me . It looked like it had a silencer attached to it , like I 'd seen in movies . I lowered the knife but held onto it . Connie 's dad was still whimpering on the ground , and I thought I heard a soft cough that I hoped was Connie 's . I looked back at her mom . Connie 's mom had always been very timid , never questioning her husband and dutifully tending to chores and cooking meals . Connie used to say , " I hope that crap isn 't hereditary ! " Seeing her mom holding a gun with a calm look on her face was a shock . I had been basking in my triumph over Connie 's dad , and now her mom was apparently just as crazy . We were screwed ; I was never getting Connie out of there , and they were going to kill me . " You 're going to take Connie and get away from here . I 'll help you dig her out . But first I 'm going to shoot my husband . " I gasped and sucked in air since it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me . Connie 's mom stepped around me and took a plastic shovel that was hanging on the wall ; how I 'd missed that when I first got into this I have no idea . Guess I was too focused on Connie . Her mom started to shovel the dirt away . Wow . There were two shovels I 'd missed . I got over my shock and ran to grab the shovel . We not only had to get her out of there but get her to a hospital because she was in a coma or something . " This horrible man was abusing me in every sense of the word , but I wasn 't going to jail for killing him . Perhaps I could 've left him , but I didn 't want to leave Connie alone with him . I also didn 't want to lose the home I 've built over the years . But as soon as Connie told us her big news last week , I started thinking about using you as my patsy . " " Exactly what happened , only I 'll tell them you found the gun and used it on him after he tried to stab you with the knife . I 'll tell them all about his homophobia , but not the abuse toward me since that will make me a suspect , and I 'll play the grieving widow very well . Sorry to put it on you , but you won 't be here anymore to worry about this anyway . " After the cops questioned me , and made sure my story corroborated with Connie 's and her mom 's , we moved to our little place in Boston . Connie 's temping and I got a job at the Museum of Fine Arts . We still visit with Connie 's mom , but she always comes down here . It 's too hard for Connie to go back to the house where she grew up . Here , we 've made a bunch of new friends and have set up a nice little life for ourselves . Sometimes when I go down on Connie , when I put my tongue really deep inside her , I can somewhat taste dirt . It 's diluted and faint , very faint , but it 's there . She tells me it 's all in my head , and we laugh about it . Connie says it gives us a new meaning to the term " nappy dugout . " I love her for stuff like that . |
I had offered to help a friend out today with a barbecue he was hosting . We spent the majority of the day outdoors . It was a relaxing day . My help was mainly organizational , so I mostly spent the day sitting round outside under a sun shade . Kyle brought me food and did anything that required a lot of physical effort . By dinnertime , we arrived home . I was sunburned and exhausted . I spent the rest of the night napping and zoning out in front of the television set . Kyle also resigned from his job today . In all honesty , they weren 't scheduling him for many hours and the hours he did get were all for days he tried to take off , but was denied . I spent the morning with Chandra . It has been a number of months since I have seen her . I don 't know what I expected , but she asked for computer help again . I am honestly getting tired of helping her out with the same things . She wanted help with her e - mail again . I used to feel good by helping her out , but I just felt exhausted . This time , one of the things she needed me to do was beyond my computer expertise . I offered Kyle 's expertise since it would give him something to do . It was back to work today . I was extra tired , but I managed to get through it . Stairs have been getting increasingly more difficult . Because my art room is on the third floor of the building , I have to take a break in between flights ! I have had several people mention that they think I 'm going to be going to deliver early because I 'm so big . They 're mostly coworkers , so I 've tried to joke and smile about it . However , I didn 't take it quite so well , internally . I have noticed recently that whenever a particular female friend of Kyle 's messages him on Facebook , he closes the window and doesn 't respond in front of me . This morning my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up their conversations on his computer . I went back a number of months . The majority of the conversations were about little things and almost all were at her initiating . It was clear to me that she was more interested in being his friend than he was in being hers . However , there was one from a few months ago where she asked him ( seemingly out of the blue ) if he didn 't miss sleeping with other women . He said " sometimes " . Later on in the conversation , seemingly out of the blue again , he mentioned that she still gave the best blow jobs . My heart exploded in my chest . I felt crushed since he told me the same thing . I woke him up and we talked about it . He said that the thing about the blow jobs was an inside joke and that he was having dreams about sleeping with his exes at that point in time , which is why he answered how he did . To be fair , later in the conversations when she asked how he was enjoying marriage ( we have been keeping up the facade that we 're married so I could keep my job ) and he said he was enjoying it . Kyle and I talked , but I still felt a horrible pain inside my chest . On the way to work , I felt like my world was falling apart . I thought he was a good person . He was a guy who seemed to truly love me . He cooked for me . He massaged my feet when they were sore . He seemed to really want this child and for us to be a family . I started wondering how I could have this kid and look after it on my own . I wondered if the reason the conversations were so sparse and out - of - the - blue was because he was deleting parts of them . Was there even a way of finding out ? I arrived to work barely on time . After the first two classes , I felt bad cramps really low down . I also felt nauseous . I blamed the pregnancy , told my principal how I was feeling , and left early . After a coworker asking how I was feeling , she insisted that I call the doctor right away . I called the emergency number in my phone and got just a weird voicemail that sounded nothing like what I had expected it to . I left a message and drove home . When I got there , Kyle and I talked some more . I had calmed down somewhat and so had he . I was still really hurting over what he had written , but there was also the desire to be on good terms with him as well . We held each other and cried and eventually we both drifted off to sleep . I awoke to a coworker calling to ask what the doctor said . I realized we slept most of the day away . I also realized that I had programmed the emergency number wrong in my phone ! I was glad that I found out today ! I dialed the correct number and waited for the call back . In the meantime , my principal called me to see how I was doing . As I hung up with her , I got the call back and they insisted that I come in . We waited for a while and Kyle waited with me . We got an ultrasound and they checked my cervix . I was not told anything about what they saw except for the fact that there are no signs of preterm labor and the pain was coming from the separation of my pelvis . The doctor explained that everyone 's pelvis separates in preparation for delivery , but that few actually feel pain from it . She didn 't say why mine hurt , but I suspected it was my age . When we got home , I went to bed . I woke up in pain , but took my two Tylenol ( the only painkiller I was allowed to take ) and did my best to waddle around the apartment to get ready for work . It was painful and took longer than usual . I practically shuffled around the building , but I managed to " teach " all my classes . With it being so close to the end of the school year , we really can 't start any new projects because the teachers never let me know when I will or will / not have their students . I had the kids do free drawing today while listening to music . I made them come to me if they had a question or wanted to show me anything . Despite everything that happened yesterday , Kyle and I seem to mostly be back on good terms again . I can 't even begin to describe or fathom why , but I wasn 't complaining . I was still hurting a little bit over it , but it wasn 't too bad . I kept trying to tell myself all the things he was doing for me and how supportive he was of me . It sort of helped . I realized that maybe I should check to see if there were any other conversations that Kyle might have been having with other people that were inappropriate , so I went through a bunch of his other conversations on messenger and discovered nothing untoward . I don 't know what 's the matter with me that I feel so suspicious or worried about him , but clearly he doesn 't deserve it . I looked it up online and apparently it some sort of thing that pregnant women go through , like something their hormones spur on or something . We had a good night together . He made an amazing dinner and gave me a foot massage before bed . Kyle and I went to another hiking thing . I am getting more used to not hiking . Of course my ex - husband and his girlfriend were there . At first , it affected me , but I did my best trying to keep in constant conversation with someone or other . By the end , it seemed like he was the one who felt out of place ! Maybe it 's mean of me , but I 'm okay with that ! Even though most of the people there were more acquaintances rather than real friends , it helped me to feel more like I belonged there . I hung out with the other women and their kids . I used to be friends with several of them , but they dropped me not long after Tim and I broke up and I never knew why . I tried to be as friendly as possible and tried to be friendly and not act injured . I must have done succeeded because I felt like we started on the first steps towards repairing our friendship . Because I was feeling better after resting so much yesterday , I got a lot done today . Kyle and I went food shopping and ran a bunch of needed errands . I 'm not looking forward to going back to school , but I know it needs to be done . At least the end is in sight with just about four weeks left of classes ! As always , I showed more documentaries in my classes today . I was just so tired that I had no energy to do anything . At least I didn 't fall asleep in class like I have done on other occasions ! I also had my appointment with my endocrinologist today . Apparently , if thyroid numbers change during a pregnancy , it 's usually in week 32 . We talked briefly . Other than being dismayed at the fact that I gained 48lbs ( my gynecologist didn 't even 't comment on it ) , he didn 't have much else to say . I got my blood drawn and he told me to come back Friday for the results . Today I had a slightly easier schedule due to some testing , but not by much . I was able to get working on some of the grading that I needed to do , so that was nice . I had my gynecologist appointment today . They did an ultrasound and I got to see him ! She said that he 's about 4lb 9oz already ! I watched the ultrasound closely and it said that the head measurement was around the size typical for 33 weeks 5 days instead of 32 weeks 5 days . She didn 't say anything and told me everything was fine and normal . I took it as another sign that I 'm going to deliver early . I had been dreading this day for a while now . There was yet another student concert with another accompanying art show . I know the idea was to have an art show with each concert showing off the work of the students who were a part of the concert , but it did seem like an awful lot of work and late nights for me ! My main goal was to just get through the day and night as well as I could . Apparently , I did very well , but was exhausted by the time I got home . I didn 't even want to eat , I just walked in and went right to bed ! I woke up to the sound of the carbon monoxide detector going off . It was a slow beeping and when the bedroom door was open , it stopped . We decided to go to the nearest 24 hour store and get a new battery . We did and it continued beeping , but not the fast beeps that were considered the actual warning . I couldn 't go back to sleep and called the landlord as soon as I got to work and it was considered a decent hour to call . He said he 'd come by with a replacement while I was at work . I had some parents e - mail me to complain about the layout of the art show and felt slighted when their child had less work up than others . While there were good reasons for it , whether or not it was because their child was too busy talking in class to finish their work or they were absent and missed days of class , these parents were not satisfied with my answers . I ended up talking with one on the phone and she went so far as to tell me what a horrible teacher I was . I just snapped and told her we should meet with the principal and hung up on her . I felt bad , but it was probably better than me reacting to the anger . I went to the principal and let her know exactly what happened and that she should be expecting a phone call from that parent . I know I overreacted . I was tired from staying late at night and waking up early . I got overemotional and I was embarrassed by how I reacted . I don 't know what parents expect when they call up . I have had parents ask me to change grades , change punishments , or just change policies of mine . What they don 't seem understand is that no child is perfect . All children make mistakes . I am not targeting their child . I do not dislike their child . And the ruder they get , the less likely they are of succeeding in the reason why they called . When I was a kid and a teacher called home , my parents always believed what they said . Now , the parents believe the kid . I just don 't get it . I woke up early to get my car to the mechanic . I had finally saved up enough money to get the part that I needed . It took them the better part of the morning to install it , but I didn 't care . It was going to be done ! The lack of the " check engine " light was a beautiful sight as I drove home ! Afterwards , I was so tired I needed a nap . Then we got up and did laundry . I know all of that stuff needed to be done , but I feel like I never get any time to do what I want to do or even need to do . I 'm probably just tired and over - emotional though . I woke up early again . The plan for today was to go to my mom 's house and do the remainder of the washing of baby stuff before meeting up with some friends . On my way there , the " check engine " light came back on . I felt very despondent . In addition , it took too long to do all of the laundry so I ended up having to drive a half hour to visit my friends and then a half hour back to my mom 's afterwards . I was tired and starting to feel burned out . When I confided this to Rebecca , she told me I better get used to it because it 's only going to get worse when the baby comes . While there is some truth to what she said , it hurt my feelings nonetheless . By the time I got home , Kyle was really sweet about how much he missed me throughout the day . He had cleaned the whole apartment and it looked really nice . I spent a little quality time with him before falling asleep . When I woke up my cold was worse , but I had to go to work today . Tonight was the concert and my art show . The concert really had nothing to do with me , except for the fact that my school has a tradition of having art shows on the same night . I still had a lot of pictures to mount and hang . They also make a big show of thanking me for the things I do at the concert . I pushed myself to get it all done . The nurse let me sleep in the cot in her room between the end of school and the concert . I slept for two hours , ate dinner , got thanked at the concert , and promptly went home and went to bed . I had to drag myself out of bed today . I had a difficult time staying upright when standing . I 'm not sure if it was my pregnancy making me light - headed or if my cold was getting worse . My voice had become a croak . I could speak , but my voice was significantly lower and I couldn 't talk loudly . About halfway through the day , I decided to go home and sleep . I just couldn 't stay awake anymore . My boss could see how worn and poorly I looked . When I got home , I fell asleep . When I woke up , Kyle insisted that I go to the local urgent care . I honestly expected them to tell me what I thought I already knew ; that I had a bad cold . Or maybe accuse me of having allergies . Instead , I found out that my temperature was elevated and they recommended antibiotics . We picked up the prescription , I called in sick for work tomorrow , and went to sleep . Even though I had already called in last night , I didn 't sleep very late . I got up early , wandered around a bit , then laid back down to sleep some more . I got distracted with a few things and didn 't end up going back to sleep until 10 or 11 . Then I slept 4 or 5 more hours . I must have needed it ! When I got up , Kyle kept asking me for help with various projects he was working on . They didn 't really require much effort on my part , just another pair of hands . I also finished reading " Childbirth Without Fear " . It was written a long time ago and there were a few sections that were antiquated . Otherwise , it really did help me conquer my fear of childbirth ! It was a tough read though . It was partially due to anachronistic language and partially due to pregnancy brain . I wasn 't sure I was ready to return to work . I knew that I had to go in , but I wasn 't ready to . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to handle working the whole day , plus helping out with an after school program like I had agreed to . I did feel significantly better . My cough was almost gone and my voice was back to normal . However , once I reached lunch time , my exhaustion caught up with me . I was really tired . I dragged myself through the final classes . Afterwards , I was chatting with a coworker who told me that the music teacher was fired . She didn 't have the details , but she had apparently pissed off a parent . I know what that 's like . However , I had always thought of her as an institution there . She wasn 't tenured because she was part - time . I felt for her . I also privately told myself I should really buckle down in my job search becase I didn 't want to get stuck in a similar situation . She would be back tomorrow and when she decided to tell me , I had to look surprised . I never was very good at making my face show emotions that I wasn 't feeling . I would do my best though ! By the time I got home , I just wanted to go to sleep . Kyle basically ordered me to lie down and relax . I made sure to do a few things that needed to be done ( like take my antibiotics ) first . He cooked us dinner . We watched the latest installment of a television drama we had been watching while we ate . We then laid down and had some intimate time . Even though I 'm not terribly interested in anything sexual , apparently it didn 't change the fact that I like pleasing him from time to time . He was worried that I wouldn 't get enough sleep for tomorrow . I told him that I really didn 't have a whole lot to do with our half day . I guess that 's all it took to convince him ! I awoke a bit late today , but it wasn 't a big deal . Everything was ready to go and I didn 't have much to do . We had a half day at work , but the kids were nuts . I mentioned to a coworker that I was taking antibiotics and she asked if they were safe to take while pregnant . I had assumed so since I couldn 't fathom why a doctor would give me them otherwise . I started to worry . Then I started to worry . I didn 't think I felt the baby move much today . Was there a problem with him ? Was he just sleeping ? Was I just being paranoid . I spent about two hours wondering and waiting before I felt some movement . It was still a small movement , so I hoped everything was okay . I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid . I took my car to the mechanic ( again ) . I 'm really getting sick of having to get it fixed . I know that it 's old and the mileage is quite high , so it needed to be done . I just wanted to get it done already ! I spent over $ 1 , 000 , a lot of the money my dad gave us for the baby . However , he 's going to need a safe car to ride in , so I suppose the argument could be made for it . All week , my lower belly has been weighing more heavily . Now it 's starting to get sore when it 's weighed down by gravity . My belly is oddly shaped and covered in stretch marks . I feel more like an overweight man than a pregnant woman at this point . I had stretch marks on my lower belly for months , but now I have acquired them on my upper belly and hips too . It is by no means the pretty perfect pregnant belly that people see on TV and movies . My belly is even more oblong than it is rounded . At this point , I don 't care , so long as it does its job and brings a healthy baby into this world . I do worry a little about the stretch marks . I am still holding onto the idea / hope that I 'll be able to lose the baby weight plus the extra weight I 've been trying to lose since before I got pregnant . Kyle has also promised to help support me in this goal by allowing me an hour of workout time every day if I would do the same for him . Well , we 'll see ! I had planned to do a few things this morning , before we left , but it never ended up happening . Kyle knew that I knew that my shower was today , but nobody else knew . However , when we arrived at the location , I recognized a friend 's very recognizable car ( it is both an unusual model and color ) . Then I saw a sawhorse labeled with my name and it said that it 's my parking spot . When I walked in , I was in shock . There were relatives and friends I didn 't expect to see . My dad came to visit from halfway across the U . S . , for example . My middle sister was clearly the organizer of the event and she did a great job ! It was fun and entertaining , and I really don 't say that about things like baby showers . Everyone was really generous , making me feel bad that I hadn 't managed to give them more at their weddings and showers . Then came the moment of truth . My middle sister had convinced us to do a gender reveal . She wheeled out the cake , I cut into it , and saw the blue icing . I am going to have a boy ! While I preferred a girl , I thought it was a boy . We also announced the name , which was my father 's first name . While I had never been particularly close with my father , I liked his name and it was a family name that was about to die out . I was later told that my dad teared up . My dad also gave us a check that I thought said $ 300 , which was very generous . I hugged and thanked him . Later on , I discovered that it said $ 3 , 000 ! All of the big ticket items were bought for us and then some ! We started to get concerned about where we were going to put everything , but I suppose that 's a great problem to have ! There were also a number of sentimental presents where people made things for us . As we drove away , we were both in silent shock and gratitude . We stopped at a big box store to pick up a few things we needed with some of the gift money we were given . I got some clothes and underwear for our hospital bag . Kyle got a cute father 's day shirt that he 's going to put in his hospital bag . When we got home , we talked for a little while about the day and everyone 's generosity and went to bed . I woke up rather early this morning . I got up , read a chapter of my Childbirth Without Fear book , and fell back asleep on the couch . I woke up a few hours later , made breakfast , and went back to sleep . I had a difficult time staying awake , in general today . To be fair , this was the first day I had where I didn 't have to be anywhere or do anything in over a month . I guess my body just needed its rest . I awoke very tired after only four hours of sleep . I uncharacteristically felt tired on my morning commute and struggled with staying awake . I have a sore throat as well , which was rather uncomfortable . My day was rather normal . Nothing of interest happened at work , excepting the shower my coworkers were having for me after school . They had taken up a collection and were very generous ! When I got home , Kyle and I looked at everything that was left on our registry that we thought we needed and bought it ! It felt really good to have everything that we wanted / thought we needed for the baby when he comes ! I was able to sleep in a little today because we had a conference day . Unfortunately , my body decided it wanted to sleep in more . I showed up late . Thankfully , nobody noticed . I sat a little apart on the end in the back . I couldn 't get comfortable . Sitting was uncomfortable . So was standing . Then once an hour or so I had to use the restroom . I was glad when it was over ! I fought sleep on the drive home . When I got there , I went right to sleep . I wonder if I 'm getting sick or if I just need more sleep again for the baby to develop . Even though I woke up for a little while , I was really out of it . I went to bed for the night not long afterwards . I had a relatively easy day at work today . Wednesdays are usually relatively easy for me . For some reason , it seemed more difficult than usual . I fought sleep on the way home and slept a lot when I got home . I think I 'm getting sick because my sore throat made a reappearance today . Today was a rough day at work . It became apparent that my cold was getting worse . I couldn 't stand for long because I became too light - headed . My voice started cracking and got lower than usual . By the time I went home , all I wanted to do was sleep again . At least tomorrow is Friday . I don 't think I mentioned this before , but my belly started feeling bigger and heavier all week . I 'm not sure if it 's because I know that we 're going to have a boy or I 'm just tired and worn out from being sick and pregnant , but I feel this overwhelming urge to have this pregnancy be over so I can meet our baby . It probably doesn 't help that when he has strong movements that an observer can actually see my belly bulge out a little in that spot ! I also had several coworkers tell me that they knew it was a boy . The reasons they cited were everything from the fact that I was carrying heavy to the fact that my face was relatively unchanged to the fact that my belly wasn 't perfectly rounded . My belly has never been perfectly rounded . It 's always been an odd shape , even when I was thin and fit , so I expected that it would remain the same in pregnancy . I always admired flat bellies and round bellies , but I have never had either . Now that I 'm pregnant , I don 't mind so much , so long as my belly adequately carries our little one until he 's healthy and ready to arrive . But I wish that time would come already ! We woke up early and drove to visit Zak and Danielle . We knew that this was going to be our last big trip before the baby came . We may attempt a trip or two that 's around 2 hours , but there 's no way I 'm going to be able to handle another 5 + hour trip until after the baby comes . They have a two and a half year old . It was like looking into the future to see what we could expect . They 're in the process of potty training him . They also catered to what he would eat more than I would like to . Actually , they spent a lot of time arguing over what was or was not okay for their kid . They really didn 't seem to happy together and it looked like they had differing opinions about child - rearing . I am grateful that even though Kyle and I have not been together for very long before this happened that we really do seem to be on the same page . We 're both happy to be starting a family together and both very happy about my pregnancy . I really can 't complain . In fact , I really can 't see how I could have done any better ! I hope things continue to be as good for us as they have been ! We decided to go out to see a movie and invited Zak and Danielle . Neither wanted to leave the other with the baby , which was understandable . They both told us to enjoy the movie while we could , implying that it would be a long time before we could enjoy one after the baby arrives . Maybe they 're right . It just seemed like an odd thing to say . I spent the majority of the day driving . It was nice to see Zak and Danielle , but I was ready to leave . By the time we got home , we really didn 't have much energy to do anything . I did manage to put together our rocking chair and sat in it for a little while before I went to bed . I 'm not sure what it is , but I really have been wanting to find out the sex of the baby . Maybe it 's just that I 've been feeling constant movement , but I still don 't really feel connected to it . I feel like using the correct pronoun and a name would help . We picked out names for both sexes , but I don 't want to use one only to find out that it 's the other . For a number of weeks at the beginning I was using male pronouns , but was unsure if it was because that 's the sex of the baby or if it was just the typical go - to pronoun that our society uses when the sex of something is uncertain . I would like a girl , but that 's just because that 's what I understand . Both boys and girls ( assuming that they 're gender - typical ) come with their own types of challenges . Either way , it 'll be a baby and I 'll be happy no matter what it is ! Today the clothes I work made it obvious to the parents that I was pregnant . I had arrival duty . It mostly consisted of watching the kids get off the busses and making sure that none of the parents came into the school with their child . When the parents saw me , many of them looked at my belly and asked when my last day of school would be . I told them that I would be there until the end . They asked me , several , at different times if I was going to last that long . I 'm not due until the end of July , so this question took me aback . After the first few , I just started telling people I guessed I was carrying really heavy and left it at that . I even had a little girl ask me , " Are there two babies in there ? " Kyle and I went to the grocery store after work . We were in an aisle and one lady told me how beautiful I looked . Assuming she was talking to someone else , I looked around and realized we were the only ones in the aisle . So I thanked her belatedly for her compliment . She asked when I was due . I told her . She asked if I had twins . I said no . That 's when she said she didn 't believe me . I started to get annoyed because apparently my pregnancy allows strangers to comment on my body . No doubt if I was carrying lightly , I 'd be getting comments too . Well , for the most part , I like being pregnant , but I 'm really starting to wish I knew what sex we 're going to be having . I feel that using gender neutral terms like " it " , " baby " , and " the kid " are starting to get old and are preventing me from really forming a connection . Plus it would help if I could actually call " the thing " by his or her real name ! Hopefully I 'll find out soon ! Today was supposed to be an easy day , but it didn 't feel that way . I woke up so late that I knew I would arrive late to work . I sent an e - mail and blamed the traffic . I had to be at school about a half hour before my first class started anyway . I guess the clothes I wore today made me look more pregnant than usual . I had thought that the kids in my dance production would have spread the word around the school that I was pregnant , but not every class already knew . I found myself explaining it a lot in classes today , which was fine . Kyle wanted me to drive him to a hike after I got out of work , but he just couldn 't find the things he needed for it in time . In truth , I was relieved . I was too tired to put forth the added energy that I knew I 'd need if I were going to be sociable with people . Also , people tend to go out afterwards , so I knew that we wouldn 't get home in time for me to get a full 8 hours of sleep . Instead , we just hung out , cuddled , and watched a movie together . Sometimes those are the nicest nights ! I awoke tired again today . It seems like I 'm never going to catch up on sleep ! It was nice to be able to go home after work today . I had plans to clean out my car , but that didn 't happen . My body must just be needing to rest because I went to sleep when I got home . Either the baby is going through a growth spurt or I am . My upper belly right under my breasts has been sore and I feel gravity pulling on my lower belly as well . I 've noticed that such things will bother me for a few days or a week at the most . Then my body gets used to the change and I 'm fine . I just need to suck it up and deal with it for a few days and I 'll be fine ! I was extremely exhausted today . I needed to buy some caffeinated soda just to be aware enough on the drive to work . I dragged myself through the day , happy when it was over . I had plans to get a few things done when I got home , but I just didn 't have the mental or physical energy . I fell asleep when I got home and woke up long enough to pick Kyle up from work . When he got home , he was talking about cleaning up the apartment to invite my sisters over after the shower . I asked if that meant the shower was this weekend . He seemed annoyed to have given it away . I told him that I had suspected it for a long time since he was talking about doing something nice for my mom for Mother 's Day without wanting help or input from me . He felt a bit better and was happy to not have to hide it from me anymore . I 'm very much looking forward to tomorrow so we can finally find out the sex of the baby ! It has been driving me crazy all week , so I guess it 's now time to know ! Week 28 - I tried to catch up on sleep this week , but failed . I spent most of the time just trying to catch up on everything that I had put off last week with all of the rehearsals . I hope to catch up on sleep soon . I 've been tired a lot , but at least the stress component is gone ! I have been busy , but hopefully there is an end in sight ! I also seem to be obviously pregnant to even the casual observer now . I have had several parents ask me about my pregnancy . Several asked if I was going to have twins . Several commented about how it was going to be a big baby . I had a few confidently tell me I wasn 't going to last until the end of the school year . I finally got in the habit of telling people I was just carrying big before the comments started as I was starting to lose my patience . Why does everyone feel the need to comment on the size of my belly ! ? I felt like I really haven 't had bunch of a spring break at all . I took today and finished reading both of the pregnancy books I had . They were the type that went through week by week , month by month , and gave an idea of what to expect and some ways to deal with common issues . They ended with labor , what could be expected , and some common pregnancy medical issues - everything from a good diet to people who already had existing medical conditions . It was informative , but I was happy to be done . It took me longer than I expected , but I finished them by the end of the night . It was nice to just lay around all day and do something similar to relaxing . I slept in today . Even after I woke up , I really just took it easy all morning . I had to go in to work because I had my dance performance coming up next week and I had to set up the sound and lighting equipment . My school makes such a big deal about these things . The lighting board somehow got un - programed . Kyle and I stayed late trying to figure out how to program it . I finally got too tired and just gave up for the night . I got home and to sleep too late . I was a little out of it today . I was really stressed with the number of things I had to do . I showed some lengthy documentaries in my older classes and assigned a report on them . They should take at least a few classes worth of watching to finish them . I got a lot of stuff done during those classes . I have rehearsals all week for my dance production . Today after the rehearsal , Kyle came and managed to program the lighting board . We still left there too late for a good night 's sleep again . It was difficult to get up this morning . I barely made it to work on time . I struggled to stay awake at work . My back was also incredibly sore after rehearsal , even though I didn 't do any dancing , I just watched and organized the students as to when to go on and how . After the rehearsal was over , I had to meet with the stage crew . When that meeting was over , my principal had stayed late to talk to me . By the time I left , I was barely able to leave in time to get a full night 's sleep . And of course , when I got home , Kyle had dinner waiting for me . He is so sweet and supportive ! I was tired , stressed , and got very little sleep . I wasn 't particularly worried about the dance production . I was plagued by vivid dreams that were unsettling . I was looking forward to getting this over so I could sleep . I forced myself to stand longer and be more active than my body wanted to be and I could feel it taking its toll . Of course I overbooked myself for today . I went somewhere else first in order to help out a friend . Then I had my dance production . It was hailed as the best yet and I was praised for how calm I kept throughout the whole thing . Nobody realized that I wasn 't calm , I was just sleep - deprived ! It was nice to be able to sleep in today , even though I didn 't sleep particularly late . Everyone at Kyle 's mother 's house is a night owl , so I enjoyed a nice quiet couple of hours while I finished my latest knitting project . When everyone got up , Kyle and I went to get his hair cut , ate lunch out , and bought some food to make dinner for his family . We made a dinner that was a little too filling . Then I forced myself to stay awake so I could hang out with Kyle and his mom and get to know her better . The two of them drank and I forced myself to stay awake and act sociable . Around midnight , I was too exhausted and went to bed . I asked Kyle to take my shoes off and he noticed that one of my feet was blue . It was cold , all the way up to my calf . He rubbed it until color and warmth came back into it . He said it was normal , but when I googled it later , I couldn 't find anything other than a mention of it on a few message boards . And on the message boards , it always was accompanied by swelling . Well , I have a doctor 's appointment on Tuesday , so I 'll ask about it then ! I awoke late and groggy . We had a breakfast brunch with Kyle 's parents , aunt , and cousin . I enjoyed myself , but I was feeling very off , so I ended up spending most of the time they were there laying on the couch and contributing to the conversation as best as I could . After they left , Kyle and I decided to take a nap . I must have needed it more than I thought , because I didn 't even hear Kyle 's mom wake us up the first time for Easter dinner . The second time , she managed to break through my muddled sleep . I got up and ate with them , but we were very groggy . I had a dream last night . I dreamed that I was visiting my dad in Florida . We were swimming , but all of a sudden the temperature dropped and the wind picked up . I looked out and you could see storm clouds on the horizon . My step - mom mentioned the possibility of rain , but my dad and her got into a debate about it . By the time we were on the beach picking up our stuff , the first drops had begun to fall . We quickly ran off of the beach onto a raised concrete veranda of a nearby condo . We watched as the water rose and quickly turned into gigantic waves , taking out houses and washing them away as we watched . The waves got higher and higher and started making their way to the veranda we were standing on . I felt the concrete of the building move under our feet and suggested we go further inland . The next part of the dream was like something out of an action movie . We ran in the lee of the condo where the water had not yet penetrated much , but the other side had a small river running . There was a partially submerged house , so I ran and jumped on the roof . I ran from roof to roof until we got to a place with dry pavement . We continued to run until we thought we were safe enough inland . We found another sturdily build condominium and ran up the stairs until we got about a third of the way up . We picked a random door and pounded on it , asking for help and refuge . The lady who lived there was kind and let us in . She made us food . We were sitting around the table with some other refugees when I felt a slight lurch in the building that suggested that the water caught up with us . I looked out of the window and saw that the top section of the building was about to fall off . I dove out of the window into the water . I was lucky to miss the debris falling on top of me . I swam around to the other side ( that 's where the current was taking me anyway ) and saw the section of the building containing my dad and step - mom splash into the water . I could see the navy training my dad had hadn 't left him . He quickly emerged from the water and quickly went back in for my step - mom . We ran some more until I couldn 't breathe anymore . Then we walked for a while so I could catch my breath . Finally , we came upon an apartment building . There was nobody home , so my dad broke into an apartment . A few other refugees followed us . We again sat down to some food when I realized that the water had yet again found us . I told my dad that I just couldn 't run forever . I decided to get to a dry section of land where I could call a cab and go to the airport . Because I flew home a day earlier than I had intended and my phone 's charger had been left there , I had no way to contact Kyle to let him know that I was coming home . I also knew that he had had a large party for all of our hiking friends the week before . So now Tim , my gaslighting ex - husband , knew I was living there again and he had a key . I didn 't want to go home to those circumstances . I stopped by Zak and Danielle 's house , since they 're the kind of people who would welcome me no matter what time I stopped by . However , their house was already full with guests . I had to either sleep on a giant bean bag or the floor . I tried , but couldn 't sleep . I chatted with Danielle for a little bit , trying to get tired . It turned out that Tim had moved nearby again . He had also posted a picture to Facebook with all of my sex toys that he found while he was at my house for that party . I hadn 't seen it because I had blocked him . I decided sleep wasn 't going to happen , so Zak drove me to my house . He parked down the street and checked the parking . There were a number of cars there , but they could have belonged to the frat house next door . We had just gone in the basement entrance , to start at the bottom and work our way up in our search for Tim . There were two girls down there drinking . Kyle walked downstairs completely naked with a dog on a leash . He looked at me , completely startled to see me , and thanked the girls for their use of the dog . I couldn 't imagine why he would be completely naked and wondered if he had cheated on me while I was gone . That was the end of the dream . I woke up feeling very emotional and rather suspicious of his fidelity . I told him about the dream and he commented on the weirdness of my dreams . I was in a bit of a dream - induced daze for the entire lengthy drive home . As per the instructions of the internet , I stopped and got out and walked every hour . It added an extra hour or two to my lengthy trip . When we got home , my legs , feet , and ankles felt funny , so I took a bath . Our bathtub isn 't huge , so I was really only able to fit my legs in below the water line . When I got out , my thighs felt weirder , kind of tingly . I asked Kyle and he said that my legs were swollen all the way up to my thighs . He immediately made me lay down and raised my legs with pillows . The problem was it hurt to lay on my back ( and I believe I 'm not supposed to at this point anyway . I laid on my side and tried to raise my feet as high above my head as possible . We went to my doctor 's appointment . We had another gynecologist today . We had tried to schedule appointments with all of them to ensure that we 'd get to know all of the ones in the group before the birth . We will be getting whoever is on call , so I wanted to at least know each of them a little bit ahead of time . I liked this one . I asked about the swelling and blue foot . She said if it 's not a consistent problem , then we shouldn 't worry about it . Everything was normal , including my blood pressure , urine , etc . She mentioned that my free T4 was low ( which was a thyroid number gotten at my last lab ) . Afterwards , he had work and I just relaxed and watched movies for a little while . I didn 't feel like I had the energy to do anything . I also figured with everything that had been going on , I should just take it easy . I had an interview in the morning for another art teaching job . It 's just too expensive where we live right now to live off of one income with a baby . I thought it went well . When I got home in the evening , I was asked to return for a second interview on Friday . I would be teaching an art class in front of the interview committee . This sort of thing is not uncommon in teaching , but I 've never had the pleasure of doing it . It will be tough to get together a good lesson plan with all of the criteria that they wanted to see in my lesson with less than two days in advance . I will do my best , of course . I spent the day at work . I had to come in to do some special work for the principal . I tried to come up with a good lesson plan when I was free to think about it , but I really came up with nothing . When I went to bed , I started to get worried . I really couldn 't come up with anything good . There were plenty of things I could teach and plenty of go - to lessons . The problem was they asked for a lot of specific things that they wanted included in the lesson . The one thing that really pissed me off was that they wanted Common Core stuff included in the lesson . There is no Common Core for art . So basically all they see my subject as is a supplement to the fucking " core " subjects . Like art isn 't important enough on its own . Unfortunately , this is way too common these days . I have a BS stock answer that I give when they ask how I implement Common Core in my classroom . However , I don 't go out of my way to teach other subjects . That 's the other teachers ' job . I had my second interview today . I taught a half hour lesson . I looked at the reaction of the interview committee at the end , but none of their faces were terribly easy to read . I thought it went really well . I was told that I would be called sometime next week to be informed if I got the job or not . I 'm feeling pretty optimistic , though ! I must have really needed some time off because I couldn 't motivate myself to do anything today . I spent almost the entire day lying on the couch . I felt bad because I had things I wanted to accomplish , but I couldn 't even force myself to do the simplest of tasks . When it was time to go to bed , Kyle put his hand on my lower belly to feel the baby moving . Not only did he feel it move , but we realized that the baby would move more to the sound of his voice ! It was really sweet and a really nice father moment for him . I know fathers have a difficult time connecting to the baby before it 's born , so it was really nice to see . To be honest , I 'm having a difficult time connecting with the baby before it 's born and I can even feel it moving around inside of me ! Because I spent yesterday doing next to nothing , I spent today trying to make up for it . Unfortunately , I had managed to compile my to - do lists so that it would take close to a full day to complete the tasks on each . As such , I completed Saturday 's tasks , but not today 's . I felt like my weekend didn 't exist . I did a lot of stuff , but I was just looking forward to the end of the week when my spring break started . I wasn 't looking forward to the long trip Kyle and I were going to take to visit his mom , but it would have been nice to just have a break . I like his mom well enough , but they don 't actually eat any meals other than dinner , so I end up spending more money than I 'd like just to eat breakfast and lunch . When we got home , Kyle and I were watching a movie trailer on his ipad when I felt the baby moving . It had a classic rock song playing , so we decided to play a number of different songs to see how the baby would react . It turned out that the baby liked my music better than his , but would always move around when the music had a good beat ! It was a lot of fun ! It also helped me to develop a connection with the baby other than getting annoyed with it for kicking me in the bladder ! I got a lot done today in preparation for my upcoming spring break . The idea was to complete as much of my to - do list as possible so I didn 't have anything to worry about while I was on break . I just had students watch documentaries while I worked on my computer . I feel like I 've been a bad art teacher lately considering that is all I have been having my classes to lately . There are even some simple things I could have them do that doesn 't require much energy on my part , so they 're still making art , but I really haven 't been feeling up to it . Today was a rough day . Several of the co - workers I 'm closest to ( I wouldn 't quite call them friends ) were having a rough time . One of them had to leave early for a wedding she was in , but our boss was giving her a hard time about it . Another one had her husband coming home from a nursing home , so she needs to take care of him again and he pretty much gives her a hard time about everything . Another one has been dealing with a sick mother and a broken finger . Needless to say , most people I encountered were in a bad mood . The students didn 't help matters . They were antsy and didn 't want to listen . When I got home , I was too exhausted to pack for our upcoming trip . Instead , I just laid on the couch until bedtime . Kyle was remarkably good about not nagging me to do the stuff I just didn 't have the energy to do . I was very much looking forward to getting work done with . I only had three classes due to the half day . I was very happy when they were over ! I had to stay late at work to finish up a few items on my to - do list that I didn 't want to carry over into my spring break and drove home . When I got there , I was exhausted . Kyle encouraged me to take a nap . The nape didn 't help . I was even more tired when I woke up . After an hour , I dragged myself up and packed everything that I needed . We left a little later than I would have liked and didn 't get to my middle sister 's house until close to 11 . When we got there , I was ready for sleep , so she just got us some blankets and let us get to sleep . Kyle and I had slept very poorly the night before . While my sister 's couch was comfortable enough , it was difficult to roll over to switch positions whenever one side hurt . I woke up at one point to see Kyle lying on the floor next to me . He later explained that while the recliner was comfortable , he was too far away from me , which I thought was rather sweet . We spent the morning playing mini - golf with my sister . Thankfully , she won both rounds . She 's such a sore loser , that it almost makes it worth it to let her win . I never do , because I 'm so competitive , but still , she would have been a pain in the ass if she hadn 't . We went for massages next because both me and Kyle were really sore . Kyle had never had a professional massage before . He greatly enjoyed it . We went back to my sister 's house , played with her dog , played a board game , and ate lunch . Then she had to go to work and we had to drive to Kyle 's mother 's house . Our trip was boring and uneventful , but I was still very worn out by the time we got there . I hugged his mom and did my best to make small talk with her and Kyle 's step - dad . I went to bed early and Kyle stayed up drinking with them . I know he had been wanting to drink for awhile , but had nobody to drink with since I couldn 't drink . I always had a bad feeling about him drinking . A lot of his family are alcoholics , so maybe that 's all it is . Nothing bad had happened other than him coming in and waking me up at about 3am and talking for hours about what he had discussed with his mom and step - dad . I guess my nesting instinct was alive and well . I continued to finish straightening up and arrange the nook of our bedroom where are keeping the baby stuff . Kyle wasn 't feeling well , so he called in to work . We mostly just hung out in the evening , compiled a food shopping list , and watched movies as I napped intermittently The hospital I will be delivering at finally had an opening to do a tour . We saw the labor room and I got to ask some questions that I had . Many of my coworkers had delivered there and said so many good things about it that I had really expected something exceptional . To be honest , it looked like a hospital . There was nothing terribly exceptional about it , but at least we got it done ! We now know our way around there and how to get there , which was important . I spent most of the day driving . I drove to my job interview and then drove back . The interview seemed to go quite well . I thought that it was a good sign that they asked about any other interviews I had . Even so , I thought it was a bit odd that they asked where else I had applied . Another thing that was odd was that when one of the interviewers came to get me , she took one look at me , said , " You 're pregnant ! Did you tell us that on the phone ? " I had not , and as far as I know , the interviewer asking any questions about pregnancy during an interview is illegal . I slept horribly last night . I kept waking up needing to blow my nose . I apparently hit the snooze on my alarm clock for over two hours this morning . When I finally woke up enough to even be cognizant enough to realize what was going on , I noticed that it was already light outside . I had about 15 minutes to leave or I would be late for work . I felt horrible , but I had to go in to work today . I needed to save my sick days for interviews . I had my students watching art videos again . I felt like I should teach them , but felt so crappy , that 's all I really could do . I could have fallen asleep at any point in time today . I woke up late today . It was about 30 minutes after I usually would have left for work . I arrived with only a few minutes to spare . I was so tired and out of it , I really didn 't get a whole lot of work done . It 's interesting . I spent my first trimester with no energy , waiting for the nausea to end and waiting for the day when I had a significantly reduced chance of miscarriage . My second trimester was full of announcements . I spent my time waiting for the first feeling of movement . Once that happened , I waited for the third trimester . That way , even if the baby were born early , it would still have a good chance of living . I wonder what my third trimester will bring . Will I just spend it watching myself grow bigger , waiting for the day the baby is ready to arrive ? I woke up at 2 : 30am to use the bathroom , but I never got back to sleep . Work was thankfully easy due to an assembly for two of my classes and two others were on a field trip . I still had a difficult time focusing . I 'm not typically one to have my sleep schedule disrupted . I 've always been a good sleeper and have been making sleep a priority in my life . This week has been particularly tough . I hope it won 't last . The acid in my throat returned today . It was uncomfortable and I couldn 't get it to go away . Tums stopped working a few weeks ago . I suppose it was my own fault for eating a breakfast of bagels and orange juice . I will really need to amend my diet to accommodate for this new development . It really seems like that as soon as I learn to deal with another uncomfortable aspect of pregnancy , another one comes to take its place . I woke up about 15 minutes after I usually leave for work again . I don 't understand why I keep sleeping so late . I have been going to bed on time too . I wanted nothing more than for the work day to be over . Of course , in the irony that is life , it was rather long and the students were poorly behaved and wouldn 't focus . When I got home , I don 't even remember what I spent my time doing . I fell asleep quite early watching a movie . Kyle woke me up around 11 to make me take my pre - natal vitamins and go to bed . I was just so happy to be able to sleep ! |
I had offered to help a friend out today with a barbecue he was hosting . We spent the majority of the day outdoors . It was a relaxing day . My help was mainly organizational , so I mostly spent the day sitting round outside under a sun shade . Kyle brought me food and did anything that required a lot of physical effort . By dinnertime , we arrived home . I was sunburned and exhausted . I spent the rest of the night napping and zoning out in front of the television set . Kyle also resigned from his job today . In all honesty , they weren 't scheduling him for many hours and the hours he did get were all for days he tried to take off , but was denied . I spent the morning with Chandra . It has been a number of months since I have seen her . I don 't know what I expected , but she asked for computer help again . I am honestly getting tired of helping her out with the same things . She wanted help with her e - mail again . I used to feel good by helping her out , but I just felt exhausted . This time , one of the things she needed me to do was beyond my computer expertise . I offered Kyle 's expertise since it would give him something to do . It was back to work today . I was extra tired , but I managed to get through it . Stairs have been getting increasingly more difficult . Because my art room is on the third floor of the building , I have to take a break in between flights ! I have had several people mention that they think I 'm going to be going to deliver early because I 'm so big . They 're mostly coworkers , so I 've tried to joke and smile about it . However , I didn 't take it quite so well , internally . I have noticed recently that whenever a particular female friend of Kyle 's messages him on Facebook , he closes the window and doesn 't respond in front of me . This morning my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up their conversations on his computer . I went back a number of months . The majority of the conversations were about little things and almost all were at her initiating . It was clear to me that she was more interested in being his friend than he was in being hers . However , there was one from a few months ago where she asked him ( seemingly out of the blue ) if he didn 't miss sleeping with other women . He said " sometimes " . Later on in the conversation , seemingly out of the blue again , he mentioned that she still gave the best blow jobs . My heart exploded in my chest . I felt crushed since he told me the same thing . I woke him up and we talked about it . He said that the thing about the blow jobs was an inside joke and that he was having dreams about sleeping with his exes at that point in time , which is why he answered how he did . To be fair , later in the conversations when she asked how he was enjoying marriage ( we have been keeping up the facade that we 're married so I could keep my job ) and he said he was enjoying it . Kyle and I talked , but I still felt a horrible pain inside my chest . On the way to work , I felt like my world was falling apart . I thought he was a good person . He was a guy who seemed to truly love me . He cooked for me . He massaged my feet when they were sore . He seemed to really want this child and for us to be a family . I started wondering how I could have this kid and look after it on my own . I wondered if the reason the conversations were so sparse and out - of - the - blue was because he was deleting parts of them . Was there even a way of finding out ? I arrived to work barely on time . After the first two classes , I felt bad cramps really low down . I also felt nauseous . I blamed the pregnancy , told my principal how I was feeling , and left early . After a coworker asking how I was feeling , she insisted that I call the doctor right away . I called the emergency number in my phone and got just a weird voicemail that sounded nothing like what I had expected it to . I left a message and drove home . When I got there , Kyle and I talked some more . I had calmed down somewhat and so had he . I was still really hurting over what he had written , but there was also the desire to be on good terms with him as well . We held each other and cried and eventually we both drifted off to sleep . I awoke to a coworker calling to ask what the doctor said . I realized we slept most of the day away . I also realized that I had programmed the emergency number wrong in my phone ! I was glad that I found out today ! I dialed the correct number and waited for the call back . In the meantime , my principal called me to see how I was doing . As I hung up with her , I got the call back and they insisted that I come in . We waited for a while and Kyle waited with me . We got an ultrasound and they checked my cervix . I was not told anything about what they saw except for the fact that there are no signs of preterm labor and the pain was coming from the separation of my pelvis . The doctor explained that everyone 's pelvis separates in preparation for delivery , but that few actually feel pain from it . She didn 't say why mine hurt , but I suspected it was my age . When we got home , I went to bed . I woke up in pain , but took my two Tylenol ( the only painkiller I was allowed to take ) and did my best to waddle around the apartment to get ready for work . It was painful and took longer than usual . I practically shuffled around the building , but I managed to " teach " all my classes . With it being so close to the end of the school year , we really can 't start any new projects because the teachers never let me know when I will or will / not have their students . I had the kids do free drawing today while listening to music . I made them come to me if they had a question or wanted to show me anything . Despite everything that happened yesterday , Kyle and I seem to mostly be back on good terms again . I can 't even begin to describe or fathom why , but I wasn 't complaining . I was still hurting a little bit over it , but it wasn 't too bad . I kept trying to tell myself all the things he was doing for me and how supportive he was of me . It sort of helped . I realized that maybe I should check to see if there were any other conversations that Kyle might have been having with other people that were inappropriate , so I went through a bunch of his other conversations on messenger and discovered nothing untoward . I don 't know what 's the matter with me that I feel so suspicious or worried about him , but clearly he doesn 't deserve it . I looked it up online and apparently it some sort of thing that pregnant women go through , like something their hormones spur on or something . We had a good night together . He made an amazing dinner and gave me a foot massage before bed . Kyle and I went to another hiking thing . I am getting more used to not hiking . Of course my ex - husband and his girlfriend were there . At first , it affected me , but I did my best trying to keep in constant conversation with someone or other . By the end , it seemed like he was the one who felt out of place ! Maybe it 's mean of me , but I 'm okay with that ! Even though most of the people there were more acquaintances rather than real friends , it helped me to feel more like I belonged there . I hung out with the other women and their kids . I used to be friends with several of them , but they dropped me not long after Tim and I broke up and I never knew why . I tried to be as friendly as possible and tried to be friendly and not act injured . I must have done succeeded because I felt like we started on the first steps towards repairing our friendship . Because I was feeling better after resting so much yesterday , I got a lot done today . Kyle and I went food shopping and ran a bunch of needed errands . I 'm not looking forward to going back to school , but I know it needs to be done . At least the end is in sight with just about four weeks left of classes ! As always , I showed more documentaries in my classes today . I was just so tired that I had no energy to do anything . At least I didn 't fall asleep in class like I have done on other occasions ! I also had my appointment with my endocrinologist today . Apparently , if thyroid numbers change during a pregnancy , it 's usually in week 32 . We talked briefly . Other than being dismayed at the fact that I gained 48lbs ( my gynecologist didn 't even 't comment on it ) , he didn 't have much else to say . I got my blood drawn and he told me to come back Friday for the results . Today I had a slightly easier schedule due to some testing , but not by much . I was able to get working on some of the grading that I needed to do , so that was nice . I had my gynecologist appointment today . They did an ultrasound and I got to see him ! She said that he 's about 4lb 9oz already ! I watched the ultrasound closely and it said that the head measurement was around the size typical for 33 weeks 5 days instead of 32 weeks 5 days . She didn 't say anything and told me everything was fine and normal . I took it as another sign that I 'm going to deliver early . I had been dreading this day for a while now . There was yet another student concert with another accompanying art show . I know the idea was to have an art show with each concert showing off the work of the students who were a part of the concert , but it did seem like an awful lot of work and late nights for me ! My main goal was to just get through the day and night as well as I could . Apparently , I did very well , but was exhausted by the time I got home . I didn 't even want to eat , I just walked in and went right to bed ! I woke up to the sound of the carbon monoxide detector going off . It was a slow beeping and when the bedroom door was open , it stopped . We decided to go to the nearest 24 hour store and get a new battery . We did and it continued beeping , but not the fast beeps that were considered the actual warning . I couldn 't go back to sleep and called the landlord as soon as I got to work and it was considered a decent hour to call . He said he 'd come by with a replacement while I was at work . I had some parents e - mail me to complain about the layout of the art show and felt slighted when their child had less work up than others . While there were good reasons for it , whether or not it was because their child was too busy talking in class to finish their work or they were absent and missed days of class , these parents were not satisfied with my answers . I ended up talking with one on the phone and she went so far as to tell me what a horrible teacher I was . I just snapped and told her we should meet with the principal and hung up on her . I felt bad , but it was probably better than me reacting to the anger . I went to the principal and let her know exactly what happened and that she should be expecting a phone call from that parent . I know I overreacted . I was tired from staying late at night and waking up early . I got overemotional and I was embarrassed by how I reacted . I don 't know what parents expect when they call up . I have had parents ask me to change grades , change punishments , or just change policies of mine . What they don 't seem understand is that no child is perfect . All children make mistakes . I am not targeting their child . I do not dislike their child . And the ruder they get , the less likely they are of succeeding in the reason why they called . When I was a kid and a teacher called home , my parents always believed what they said . Now , the parents believe the kid . I just don 't get it . I woke up early to get my car to the mechanic . I had finally saved up enough money to get the part that I needed . It took them the better part of the morning to install it , but I didn 't care . It was going to be done ! The lack of the " check engine " light was a beautiful sight as I drove home ! Afterwards , I was so tired I needed a nap . Then we got up and did laundry . I know all of that stuff needed to be done , but I feel like I never get any time to do what I want to do or even need to do . I 'm probably just tired and over - emotional though . I woke up early again . The plan for today was to go to my mom 's house and do the remainder of the washing of baby stuff before meeting up with some friends . On my way there , the " check engine " light came back on . I felt very despondent . In addition , it took too long to do all of the laundry so I ended up having to drive a half hour to visit my friends and then a half hour back to my mom 's afterwards . I was tired and starting to feel burned out . When I confided this to Rebecca , she told me I better get used to it because it 's only going to get worse when the baby comes . While there is some truth to what she said , it hurt my feelings nonetheless . By the time I got home , Kyle was really sweet about how much he missed me throughout the day . He had cleaned the whole apartment and it looked really nice . I spent a little quality time with him before falling asleep . When I woke up my cold was worse , but I had to go to work today . Tonight was the concert and my art show . The concert really had nothing to do with me , except for the fact that my school has a tradition of having art shows on the same night . I still had a lot of pictures to mount and hang . They also make a big show of thanking me for the things I do at the concert . I pushed myself to get it all done . The nurse let me sleep in the cot in her room between the end of school and the concert . I slept for two hours , ate dinner , got thanked at the concert , and promptly went home and went to bed . I had to drag myself out of bed today . I had a difficult time staying upright when standing . I 'm not sure if it was my pregnancy making me light - headed or if my cold was getting worse . My voice had become a croak . I could speak , but my voice was significantly lower and I couldn 't talk loudly . About halfway through the day , I decided to go home and sleep . I just couldn 't stay awake anymore . My boss could see how worn and poorly I looked . When I got home , I fell asleep . When I woke up , Kyle insisted that I go to the local urgent care . I honestly expected them to tell me what I thought I already knew ; that I had a bad cold . Or maybe accuse me of having allergies . Instead , I found out that my temperature was elevated and they recommended antibiotics . We picked up the prescription , I called in sick for work tomorrow , and went to sleep . Even though I had already called in last night , I didn 't sleep very late . I got up early , wandered around a bit , then laid back down to sleep some more . I got distracted with a few things and didn 't end up going back to sleep until 10 or 11 . Then I slept 4 or 5 more hours . I must have needed it ! When I got up , Kyle kept asking me for help with various projects he was working on . They didn 't really require much effort on my part , just another pair of hands . I also finished reading " Childbirth Without Fear " . It was written a long time ago and there were a few sections that were antiquated . Otherwise , it really did help me conquer my fear of childbirth ! It was a tough read though . It was partially due to anachronistic language and partially due to pregnancy brain . I wasn 't sure I was ready to return to work . I knew that I had to go in , but I wasn 't ready to . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to handle working the whole day , plus helping out with an after school program like I had agreed to . I did feel significantly better . My cough was almost gone and my voice was back to normal . However , once I reached lunch time , my exhaustion caught up with me . I was really tired . I dragged myself through the final classes . Afterwards , I was chatting with a coworker who told me that the music teacher was fired . She didn 't have the details , but she had apparently pissed off a parent . I know what that 's like . However , I had always thought of her as an institution there . She wasn 't tenured because she was part - time . I felt for her . I also privately told myself I should really buckle down in my job search becase I didn 't want to get stuck in a similar situation . She would be back tomorrow and when she decided to tell me , I had to look surprised . I never was very good at making my face show emotions that I wasn 't feeling . I would do my best though ! By the time I got home , I just wanted to go to sleep . Kyle basically ordered me to lie down and relax . I made sure to do a few things that needed to be done ( like take my antibiotics ) first . He cooked us dinner . We watched the latest installment of a television drama we had been watching while we ate . We then laid down and had some intimate time . Even though I 'm not terribly interested in anything sexual , apparently it didn 't change the fact that I like pleasing him from time to time . He was worried that I wouldn 't get enough sleep for tomorrow . I told him that I really didn 't have a whole lot to do with our half day . I guess that 's all it took to convince him ! I awoke a bit late today , but it wasn 't a big deal . Everything was ready to go and I didn 't have much to do . We had a half day at work , but the kids were nuts . I mentioned to a coworker that I was taking antibiotics and she asked if they were safe to take while pregnant . I had assumed so since I couldn 't fathom why a doctor would give me them otherwise . I started to worry . Then I started to worry . I didn 't think I felt the baby move much today . Was there a problem with him ? Was he just sleeping ? Was I just being paranoid . I spent about two hours wondering and waiting before I felt some movement . It was still a small movement , so I hoped everything was okay . I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid . I took my car to the mechanic ( again ) . I 'm really getting sick of having to get it fixed . I know that it 's old and the mileage is quite high , so it needed to be done . I just wanted to get it done already ! I spent over $ 1 , 000 , a lot of the money my dad gave us for the baby . However , he 's going to need a safe car to ride in , so I suppose the argument could be made for it . All week , my lower belly has been weighing more heavily . Now it 's starting to get sore when it 's weighed down by gravity . My belly is oddly shaped and covered in stretch marks . I feel more like an overweight man than a pregnant woman at this point . I had stretch marks on my lower belly for months , but now I have acquired them on my upper belly and hips too . It is by no means the pretty perfect pregnant belly that people see on TV and movies . My belly is even more oblong than it is rounded . At this point , I don 't care , so long as it does its job and brings a healthy baby into this world . I do worry a little about the stretch marks . I am still holding onto the idea / hope that I 'll be able to lose the baby weight plus the extra weight I 've been trying to lose since before I got pregnant . Kyle has also promised to help support me in this goal by allowing me an hour of workout time every day if I would do the same for him . Well , we 'll see ! I had planned to do a few things this morning , before we left , but it never ended up happening . Kyle knew that I knew that my shower was today , but nobody else knew . However , when we arrived at the location , I recognized a friend 's very recognizable car ( it is both an unusual model and color ) . Then I saw a sawhorse labeled with my name and it said that it 's my parking spot . When I walked in , I was in shock . There were relatives and friends I didn 't expect to see . My dad came to visit from halfway across the U . S . , for example . My middle sister was clearly the organizer of the event and she did a great job ! It was fun and entertaining , and I really don 't say that about things like baby showers . Everyone was really generous , making me feel bad that I hadn 't managed to give them more at their weddings and showers . Then came the moment of truth . My middle sister had convinced us to do a gender reveal . She wheeled out the cake , I cut into it , and saw the blue icing . I am going to have a boy ! While I preferred a girl , I thought it was a boy . We also announced the name , which was my father 's first name . While I had never been particularly close with my father , I liked his name and it was a family name that was about to die out . I was later told that my dad teared up . My dad also gave us a check that I thought said $ 300 , which was very generous . I hugged and thanked him . Later on , I discovered that it said $ 3 , 000 ! All of the big ticket items were bought for us and then some ! We started to get concerned about where we were going to put everything , but I suppose that 's a great problem to have ! There were also a number of sentimental presents where people made things for us . As we drove away , we were both in silent shock and gratitude . We stopped at a big box store to pick up a few things we needed with some of the gift money we were given . I got some clothes and underwear for our hospital bag . Kyle got a cute father 's day shirt that he 's going to put in his hospital bag . When we got home , we talked for a little while about the day and everyone 's generosity and went to bed . I woke up rather early this morning . I got up , read a chapter of my Childbirth Without Fear book , and fell back asleep on the couch . I woke up a few hours later , made breakfast , and went back to sleep . I had a difficult time staying awake , in general today . To be fair , this was the first day I had where I didn 't have to be anywhere or do anything in over a month . I guess my body just needed its rest . I awoke very tired after only four hours of sleep . I uncharacteristically felt tired on my morning commute and struggled with staying awake . I have a sore throat as well , which was rather uncomfortable . My day was rather normal . Nothing of interest happened at work , excepting the shower my coworkers were having for me after school . They had taken up a collection and were very generous ! When I got home , Kyle and I looked at everything that was left on our registry that we thought we needed and bought it ! It felt really good to have everything that we wanted / thought we needed for the baby when he comes ! I was able to sleep in a little today because we had a conference day . Unfortunately , my body decided it wanted to sleep in more . I showed up late . Thankfully , nobody noticed . I sat a little apart on the end in the back . I couldn 't get comfortable . Sitting was uncomfortable . So was standing . Then once an hour or so I had to use the restroom . I was glad when it was over ! I fought sleep on the drive home . When I got there , I went right to sleep . I wonder if I 'm getting sick or if I just need more sleep again for the baby to develop . Even though I woke up for a little while , I was really out of it . I went to bed for the night not long afterwards . I had a relatively easy day at work today . Wednesdays are usually relatively easy for me . For some reason , it seemed more difficult than usual . I fought sleep on the way home and slept a lot when I got home . I think I 'm getting sick because my sore throat made a reappearance today . Today was a rough day at work . It became apparent that my cold was getting worse . I couldn 't stand for long because I became too light - headed . My voice started cracking and got lower than usual . By the time I went home , all I wanted to do was sleep again . At least tomorrow is Friday . I don 't think I mentioned this before , but my belly started feeling bigger and heavier all week . I 'm not sure if it 's because I know that we 're going to have a boy or I 'm just tired and worn out from being sick and pregnant , but I feel this overwhelming urge to have this pregnancy be over so I can meet our baby . It probably doesn 't help that when he has strong movements that an observer can actually see my belly bulge out a little in that spot ! I also had several coworkers tell me that they knew it was a boy . The reasons they cited were everything from the fact that I was carrying heavy to the fact that my face was relatively unchanged to the fact that my belly wasn 't perfectly rounded . My belly has never been perfectly rounded . It 's always been an odd shape , even when I was thin and fit , so I expected that it would remain the same in pregnancy . I always admired flat bellies and round bellies , but I have never had either . Now that I 'm pregnant , I don 't mind so much , so long as my belly adequately carries our little one until he 's healthy and ready to arrive . But I wish that time would come already ! We woke up early and drove to visit Zak and Danielle . We knew that this was going to be our last big trip before the baby came . We may attempt a trip or two that 's around 2 hours , but there 's no way I 'm going to be able to handle another 5 + hour trip until after the baby comes . They have a two and a half year old . It was like looking into the future to see what we could expect . They 're in the process of potty training him . They also catered to what he would eat more than I would like to . Actually , they spent a lot of time arguing over what was or was not okay for their kid . They really didn 't seem to happy together and it looked like they had differing opinions about child - rearing . I am grateful that even though Kyle and I have not been together for very long before this happened that we really do seem to be on the same page . We 're both happy to be starting a family together and both very happy about my pregnancy . I really can 't complain . In fact , I really can 't see how I could have done any better ! I hope things continue to be as good for us as they have been ! We decided to go out to see a movie and invited Zak and Danielle . Neither wanted to leave the other with the baby , which was understandable . They both told us to enjoy the movie while we could , implying that it would be a long time before we could enjoy one after the baby arrives . Maybe they 're right . It just seemed like an odd thing to say . I spent the majority of the day driving . It was nice to see Zak and Danielle , but I was ready to leave . By the time we got home , we really didn 't have much energy to do anything . I did manage to put together our rocking chair and sat in it for a little while before I went to bed . I 'm not sure what it is , but I really have been wanting to find out the sex of the baby . Maybe it 's just that I 've been feeling constant movement , but I still don 't really feel connected to it . I feel like using the correct pronoun and a name would help . We picked out names for both sexes , but I don 't want to use one only to find out that it 's the other . For a number of weeks at the beginning I was using male pronouns , but was unsure if it was because that 's the sex of the baby or if it was just the typical go - to pronoun that our society uses when the sex of something is uncertain . I would like a girl , but that 's just because that 's what I understand . Both boys and girls ( assuming that they 're gender - typical ) come with their own types of challenges . Either way , it 'll be a baby and I 'll be happy no matter what it is ! Today the clothes I work made it obvious to the parents that I was pregnant . I had arrival duty . It mostly consisted of watching the kids get off the busses and making sure that none of the parents came into the school with their child . When the parents saw me , many of them looked at my belly and asked when my last day of school would be . I told them that I would be there until the end . They asked me , several , at different times if I was going to last that long . I 'm not due until the end of July , so this question took me aback . After the first few , I just started telling people I guessed I was carrying really heavy and left it at that . I even had a little girl ask me , " Are there two babies in there ? " Kyle and I went to the grocery store after work . We were in an aisle and one lady told me how beautiful I looked . Assuming she was talking to someone else , I looked around and realized we were the only ones in the aisle . So I thanked her belatedly for her compliment . She asked when I was due . I told her . She asked if I had twins . I said no . That 's when she said she didn 't believe me . I started to get annoyed because apparently my pregnancy allows strangers to comment on my body . No doubt if I was carrying lightly , I 'd be getting comments too . Well , for the most part , I like being pregnant , but I 'm really starting to wish I knew what sex we 're going to be having . I feel that using gender neutral terms like " it " , " baby " , and " the kid " are starting to get old and are preventing me from really forming a connection . Plus it would help if I could actually call " the thing " by his or her real name ! Hopefully I 'll find out soon ! Today was supposed to be an easy day , but it didn 't feel that way . I woke up so late that I knew I would arrive late to work . I sent an e - mail and blamed the traffic . I had to be at school about a half hour before my first class started anyway . I guess the clothes I wore today made me look more pregnant than usual . I had thought that the kids in my dance production would have spread the word around the school that I was pregnant , but not every class already knew . I found myself explaining it a lot in classes today , which was fine . Kyle wanted me to drive him to a hike after I got out of work , but he just couldn 't find the things he needed for it in time . In truth , I was relieved . I was too tired to put forth the added energy that I knew I 'd need if I were going to be sociable with people . Also , people tend to go out afterwards , so I knew that we wouldn 't get home in time for me to get a full 8 hours of sleep . Instead , we just hung out , cuddled , and watched a movie together . Sometimes those are the nicest nights ! I awoke tired again today . It seems like I 'm never going to catch up on sleep ! It was nice to be able to go home after work today . I had plans to clean out my car , but that didn 't happen . My body must just be needing to rest because I went to sleep when I got home . Either the baby is going through a growth spurt or I am . My upper belly right under my breasts has been sore and I feel gravity pulling on my lower belly as well . I 've noticed that such things will bother me for a few days or a week at the most . Then my body gets used to the change and I 'm fine . I just need to suck it up and deal with it for a few days and I 'll be fine ! I was extremely exhausted today . I needed to buy some caffeinated soda just to be aware enough on the drive to work . I dragged myself through the day , happy when it was over . I had plans to get a few things done when I got home , but I just didn 't have the mental or physical energy . I fell asleep when I got home and woke up long enough to pick Kyle up from work . When he got home , he was talking about cleaning up the apartment to invite my sisters over after the shower . I asked if that meant the shower was this weekend . He seemed annoyed to have given it away . I told him that I had suspected it for a long time since he was talking about doing something nice for my mom for Mother 's Day without wanting help or input from me . He felt a bit better and was happy to not have to hide it from me anymore . I 'm very much looking forward to tomorrow so we can finally find out the sex of the baby ! It has been driving me crazy all week , so I guess it 's now time to know ! Week 28 - I tried to catch up on sleep this week , but failed . I spent most of the time just trying to catch up on everything that I had put off last week with all of the rehearsals . I hope to catch up on sleep soon . I 've been tired a lot , but at least the stress component is gone ! I have been busy , but hopefully there is an end in sight ! I also seem to be obviously pregnant to even the casual observer now . I have had several parents ask me about my pregnancy . Several asked if I was going to have twins . Several commented about how it was going to be a big baby . I had a few confidently tell me I wasn 't going to last until the end of the school year . I finally got in the habit of telling people I was just carrying big before the comments started as I was starting to lose my patience . Why does everyone feel the need to comment on the size of my belly ! ? I felt like I really haven 't had bunch of a spring break at all . I took today and finished reading both of the pregnancy books I had . They were the type that went through week by week , month by month , and gave an idea of what to expect and some ways to deal with common issues . They ended with labor , what could be expected , and some common pregnancy medical issues - everything from a good diet to people who already had existing medical conditions . It was informative , but I was happy to be done . It took me longer than I expected , but I finished them by the end of the night . It was nice to just lay around all day and do something similar to relaxing . I slept in today . Even after I woke up , I really just took it easy all morning . I had to go in to work because I had my dance performance coming up next week and I had to set up the sound and lighting equipment . My school makes such a big deal about these things . The lighting board somehow got un - programed . Kyle and I stayed late trying to figure out how to program it . I finally got too tired and just gave up for the night . I got home and to sleep too late . I was a little out of it today . I was really stressed with the number of things I had to do . I showed some lengthy documentaries in my older classes and assigned a report on them . They should take at least a few classes worth of watching to finish them . I got a lot of stuff done during those classes . I have rehearsals all week for my dance production . Today after the rehearsal , Kyle came and managed to program the lighting board . We still left there too late for a good night 's sleep again . It was difficult to get up this morning . I barely made it to work on time . I struggled to stay awake at work . My back was also incredibly sore after rehearsal , even though I didn 't do any dancing , I just watched and organized the students as to when to go on and how . After the rehearsal was over , I had to meet with the stage crew . When that meeting was over , my principal had stayed late to talk to me . By the time I left , I was barely able to leave in time to get a full night 's sleep . And of course , when I got home , Kyle had dinner waiting for me . He is so sweet and supportive ! I was tired , stressed , and got very little sleep . I wasn 't particularly worried about the dance production . I was plagued by vivid dreams that were unsettling . I was looking forward to getting this over so I could sleep . I forced myself to stand longer and be more active than my body wanted to be and I could feel it taking its toll . Of course I overbooked myself for today . I went somewhere else first in order to help out a friend . Then I had my dance production . It was hailed as the best yet and I was praised for how calm I kept throughout the whole thing . Nobody realized that I wasn 't calm , I was just sleep - deprived ! It was nice to be able to sleep in today , even though I didn 't sleep particularly late . Everyone at Kyle 's mother 's house is a night owl , so I enjoyed a nice quiet couple of hours while I finished my latest knitting project . When everyone got up , Kyle and I went to get his hair cut , ate lunch out , and bought some food to make dinner for his family . We made a dinner that was a little too filling . Then I forced myself to stay awake so I could hang out with Kyle and his mom and get to know her better . The two of them drank and I forced myself to stay awake and act sociable . Around midnight , I was too exhausted and went to bed . I asked Kyle to take my shoes off and he noticed that one of my feet was blue . It was cold , all the way up to my calf . He rubbed it until color and warmth came back into it . He said it was normal , but when I googled it later , I couldn 't find anything other than a mention of it on a few message boards . And on the message boards , it always was accompanied by swelling . Well , I have a doctor 's appointment on Tuesday , so I 'll ask about it then ! I awoke late and groggy . We had a breakfast brunch with Kyle 's parents , aunt , and cousin . I enjoyed myself , but I was feeling very off , so I ended up spending most of the time they were there laying on the couch and contributing to the conversation as best as I could . After they left , Kyle and I decided to take a nap . I must have needed it more than I thought , because I didn 't even hear Kyle 's mom wake us up the first time for Easter dinner . The second time , she managed to break through my muddled sleep . I got up and ate with them , but we were very groggy . I had a dream last night . I dreamed that I was visiting my dad in Florida . We were swimming , but all of a sudden the temperature dropped and the wind picked up . I looked out and you could see storm clouds on the horizon . My step - mom mentioned the possibility of rain , but my dad and her got into a debate about it . By the time we were on the beach picking up our stuff , the first drops had begun to fall . We quickly ran off of the beach onto a raised concrete veranda of a nearby condo . We watched as the water rose and quickly turned into gigantic waves , taking out houses and washing them away as we watched . The waves got higher and higher and started making their way to the veranda we were standing on . I felt the concrete of the building move under our feet and suggested we go further inland . The next part of the dream was like something out of an action movie . We ran in the lee of the condo where the water had not yet penetrated much , but the other side had a small river running . There was a partially submerged house , so I ran and jumped on the roof . I ran from roof to roof until we got to a place with dry pavement . We continued to run until we thought we were safe enough inland . We found another sturdily build condominium and ran up the stairs until we got about a third of the way up . We picked a random door and pounded on it , asking for help and refuge . The lady who lived there was kind and let us in . She made us food . We were sitting around the table with some other refugees when I felt a slight lurch in the building that suggested that the water caught up with us . I looked out of the window and saw that the top section of the building was about to fall off . I dove out of the window into the water . I was lucky to miss the debris falling on top of me . I swam around to the other side ( that 's where the current was taking me anyway ) and saw the section of the building containing my dad and step - mom splash into the water . I could see the navy training my dad had hadn 't left him . He quickly emerged from the water and quickly went back in for my step - mom . We ran some more until I couldn 't breathe anymore . Then we walked for a while so I could catch my breath . Finally , we came upon an apartment building . There was nobody home , so my dad broke into an apartment . A few other refugees followed us . We again sat down to some food when I realized that the water had yet again found us . I told my dad that I just couldn 't run forever . I decided to get to a dry section of land where I could call a cab and go to the airport . Because I flew home a day earlier than I had intended and my phone 's charger had been left there , I had no way to contact Kyle to let him know that I was coming home . I also knew that he had had a large party for all of our hiking friends the week before . So now Tim , my gaslighting ex - husband , knew I was living there again and he had a key . I didn 't want to go home to those circumstances . I stopped by Zak and Danielle 's house , since they 're the kind of people who would welcome me no matter what time I stopped by . However , their house was already full with guests . I had to either sleep on a giant bean bag or the floor . I tried , but couldn 't sleep . I chatted with Danielle for a little bit , trying to get tired . It turned out that Tim had moved nearby again . He had also posted a picture to Facebook with all of my sex toys that he found while he was at my house for that party . I hadn 't seen it because I had blocked him . I decided sleep wasn 't going to happen , so Zak drove me to my house . He parked down the street and checked the parking . There were a number of cars there , but they could have belonged to the frat house next door . We had just gone in the basement entrance , to start at the bottom and work our way up in our search for Tim . There were two girls down there drinking . Kyle walked downstairs completely naked with a dog on a leash . He looked at me , completely startled to see me , and thanked the girls for their use of the dog . I couldn 't imagine why he would be completely naked and wondered if he had cheated on me while I was gone . That was the end of the dream . I woke up feeling very emotional and rather suspicious of his fidelity . I told him about the dream and he commented on the weirdness of my dreams . I was in a bit of a dream - induced daze for the entire lengthy drive home . As per the instructions of the internet , I stopped and got out and walked every hour . It added an extra hour or two to my lengthy trip . When we got home , my legs , feet , and ankles felt funny , so I took a bath . Our bathtub isn 't huge , so I was really only able to fit my legs in below the water line . When I got out , my thighs felt weirder , kind of tingly . I asked Kyle and he said that my legs were swollen all the way up to my thighs . He immediately made me lay down and raised my legs with pillows . The problem was it hurt to lay on my back ( and I believe I 'm not supposed to at this point anyway . I laid on my side and tried to raise my feet as high above my head as possible . We went to my doctor 's appointment . We had another gynecologist today . We had tried to schedule appointments with all of them to ensure that we 'd get to know all of the ones in the group before the birth . We will be getting whoever is on call , so I wanted to at least know each of them a little bit ahead of time . I liked this one . I asked about the swelling and blue foot . She said if it 's not a consistent problem , then we shouldn 't worry about it . Everything was normal , including my blood pressure , urine , etc . She mentioned that my free T4 was low ( which was a thyroid number gotten at my last lab ) . Afterwards , he had work and I just relaxed and watched movies for a little while . I didn 't feel like I had the energy to do anything . I also figured with everything that had been going on , I should just take it easy . I had an interview in the morning for another art teaching job . It 's just too expensive where we live right now to live off of one income with a baby . I thought it went well . When I got home in the evening , I was asked to return for a second interview on Friday . I would be teaching an art class in front of the interview committee . This sort of thing is not uncommon in teaching , but I 've never had the pleasure of doing it . It will be tough to get together a good lesson plan with all of the criteria that they wanted to see in my lesson with less than two days in advance . I will do my best , of course . I spent the day at work . I had to come in to do some special work for the principal . I tried to come up with a good lesson plan when I was free to think about it , but I really came up with nothing . When I went to bed , I started to get worried . I really couldn 't come up with anything good . There were plenty of things I could teach and plenty of go - to lessons . The problem was they asked for a lot of specific things that they wanted included in the lesson . The one thing that really pissed me off was that they wanted Common Core stuff included in the lesson . There is no Common Core for art . So basically all they see my subject as is a supplement to the fucking " core " subjects . Like art isn 't important enough on its own . Unfortunately , this is way too common these days . I have a BS stock answer that I give when they ask how I implement Common Core in my classroom . However , I don 't go out of my way to teach other subjects . That 's the other teachers ' job . I had my second interview today . I taught a half hour lesson . I looked at the reaction of the interview committee at the end , but none of their faces were terribly easy to read . I thought it went really well . I was told that I would be called sometime next week to be informed if I got the job or not . I 'm feeling pretty optimistic , though ! I must have really needed some time off because I couldn 't motivate myself to do anything today . I spent almost the entire day lying on the couch . I felt bad because I had things I wanted to accomplish , but I couldn 't even force myself to do the simplest of tasks . When it was time to go to bed , Kyle put his hand on my lower belly to feel the baby moving . Not only did he feel it move , but we realized that the baby would move more to the sound of his voice ! It was really sweet and a really nice father moment for him . I know fathers have a difficult time connecting to the baby before it 's born , so it was really nice to see . To be honest , I 'm having a difficult time connecting with the baby before it 's born and I can even feel it moving around inside of me ! Because I spent yesterday doing next to nothing , I spent today trying to make up for it . Unfortunately , I had managed to compile my to - do lists so that it would take close to a full day to complete the tasks on each . As such , I completed Saturday 's tasks , but not today 's . I felt like my weekend didn 't exist . I did a lot of stuff , but I was just looking forward to the end of the week when my spring break started . I wasn 't looking forward to the long trip Kyle and I were going to take to visit his mom , but it would have been nice to just have a break . I like his mom well enough , but they don 't actually eat any meals other than dinner , so I end up spending more money than I 'd like just to eat breakfast and lunch . When we got home , Kyle and I were watching a movie trailer on his ipad when I felt the baby moving . It had a classic rock song playing , so we decided to play a number of different songs to see how the baby would react . It turned out that the baby liked my music better than his , but would always move around when the music had a good beat ! It was a lot of fun ! It also helped me to develop a connection with the baby other than getting annoyed with it for kicking me in the bladder ! I got a lot done today in preparation for my upcoming spring break . The idea was to complete as much of my to - do list as possible so I didn 't have anything to worry about while I was on break . I just had students watch documentaries while I worked on my computer . I feel like I 've been a bad art teacher lately considering that is all I have been having my classes to lately . There are even some simple things I could have them do that doesn 't require much energy on my part , so they 're still making art , but I really haven 't been feeling up to it . Today was a rough day . Several of the co - workers I 'm closest to ( I wouldn 't quite call them friends ) were having a rough time . One of them had to leave early for a wedding she was in , but our boss was giving her a hard time about it . Another one had her husband coming home from a nursing home , so she needs to take care of him again and he pretty much gives her a hard time about everything . Another one has been dealing with a sick mother and a broken finger . Needless to say , most people I encountered were in a bad mood . The students didn 't help matters . They were antsy and didn 't want to listen . When I got home , I was too exhausted to pack for our upcoming trip . Instead , I just laid on the couch until bedtime . Kyle was remarkably good about not nagging me to do the stuff I just didn 't have the energy to do . I was very much looking forward to getting work done with . I only had three classes due to the half day . I was very happy when they were over ! I had to stay late at work to finish up a few items on my to - do list that I didn 't want to carry over into my spring break and drove home . When I got there , I was exhausted . Kyle encouraged me to take a nap . The nape didn 't help . I was even more tired when I woke up . After an hour , I dragged myself up and packed everything that I needed . We left a little later than I would have liked and didn 't get to my middle sister 's house until close to 11 . When we got there , I was ready for sleep , so she just got us some blankets and let us get to sleep . Kyle and I had slept very poorly the night before . While my sister 's couch was comfortable enough , it was difficult to roll over to switch positions whenever one side hurt . I woke up at one point to see Kyle lying on the floor next to me . He later explained that while the recliner was comfortable , he was too far away from me , which I thought was rather sweet . We spent the morning playing mini - golf with my sister . Thankfully , she won both rounds . She 's such a sore loser , that it almost makes it worth it to let her win . I never do , because I 'm so competitive , but still , she would have been a pain in the ass if she hadn 't . We went for massages next because both me and Kyle were really sore . Kyle had never had a professional massage before . He greatly enjoyed it . We went back to my sister 's house , played with her dog , played a board game , and ate lunch . Then she had to go to work and we had to drive to Kyle 's mother 's house . Our trip was boring and uneventful , but I was still very worn out by the time we got there . I hugged his mom and did my best to make small talk with her and Kyle 's step - dad . I went to bed early and Kyle stayed up drinking with them . I know he had been wanting to drink for awhile , but had nobody to drink with since I couldn 't drink . I always had a bad feeling about him drinking . A lot of his family are alcoholics , so maybe that 's all it is . Nothing bad had happened other than him coming in and waking me up at about 3am and talking for hours about what he had discussed with his mom and step - dad . I guess my nesting instinct was alive and well . I continued to finish straightening up and arrange the nook of our bedroom where are keeping the baby stuff . Kyle wasn 't feeling well , so he called in to work . We mostly just hung out in the evening , compiled a food shopping list , and watched movies as I napped intermittently The hospital I will be delivering at finally had an opening to do a tour . We saw the labor room and I got to ask some questions that I had . Many of my coworkers had delivered there and said so many good things about it that I had really expected something exceptional . To be honest , it looked like a hospital . There was nothing terribly exceptional about it , but at least we got it done ! We now know our way around there and how to get there , which was important . I spent most of the day driving . I drove to my job interview and then drove back . The interview seemed to go quite well . I thought that it was a good sign that they asked about any other interviews I had . Even so , I thought it was a bit odd that they asked where else I had applied . Another thing that was odd was that when one of the interviewers came to get me , she took one look at me , said , " You 're pregnant ! Did you tell us that on the phone ? " I had not , and as far as I know , the interviewer asking any questions about pregnancy during an interview is illegal . I slept horribly last night . I kept waking up needing to blow my nose . I apparently hit the snooze on my alarm clock for over two hours this morning . When I finally woke up enough to even be cognizant enough to realize what was going on , I noticed that it was already light outside . I had about 15 minutes to leave or I would be late for work . I felt horrible , but I had to go in to work today . I needed to save my sick days for interviews . I had my students watching art videos again . I felt like I should teach them , but felt so crappy , that 's all I really could do . I could have fallen asleep at any point in time today . I woke up late today . It was about 30 minutes after I usually would have left for work . I arrived with only a few minutes to spare . I was so tired and out of it , I really didn 't get a whole lot of work done . It 's interesting . I spent my first trimester with no energy , waiting for the nausea to end and waiting for the day when I had a significantly reduced chance of miscarriage . My second trimester was full of announcements . I spent my time waiting for the first feeling of movement . Once that happened , I waited for the third trimester . That way , even if the baby were born early , it would still have a good chance of living . I wonder what my third trimester will bring . Will I just spend it watching myself grow bigger , waiting for the day the baby is ready to arrive ? I woke up at 2 : 30am to use the bathroom , but I never got back to sleep . Work was thankfully easy due to an assembly for two of my classes and two others were on a field trip . I still had a difficult time focusing . I 'm not typically one to have my sleep schedule disrupted . I 've always been a good sleeper and have been making sleep a priority in my life . This week has been particularly tough . I hope it won 't last . The acid in my throat returned today . It was uncomfortable and I couldn 't get it to go away . Tums stopped working a few weeks ago . I suppose it was my own fault for eating a breakfast of bagels and orange juice . I will really need to amend my diet to accommodate for this new development . It really seems like that as soon as I learn to deal with another uncomfortable aspect of pregnancy , another one comes to take its place . I woke up about 15 minutes after I usually leave for work again . I don 't understand why I keep sleeping so late . I have been going to bed on time too . I wanted nothing more than for the work day to be over . Of course , in the irony that is life , it was rather long and the students were poorly behaved and wouldn 't focus . When I got home , I don 't even remember what I spent my time doing . I fell asleep quite early watching a movie . Kyle woke me up around 11 to make me take my pre - natal vitamins and go to bed . I was just so happy to be able to sleep ! |
I had offered to help a friend out today with a barbecue he was hosting . We spent the majority of the day outdoors . It was a relaxing day . My help was mainly organizational , so I mostly spent the day sitting round outside under a sun shade . Kyle brought me food and did anything that required a lot of physical effort . By dinnertime , we arrived home . I was sunburned and exhausted . I spent the rest of the night napping and zoning out in front of the television set . Kyle also resigned from his job today . In all honesty , they weren 't scheduling him for many hours and the hours he did get were all for days he tried to take off , but was denied . I spent the morning with Chandra . It has been a number of months since I have seen her . I don 't know what I expected , but she asked for computer help again . I am honestly getting tired of helping her out with the same things . She wanted help with her e - mail again . I used to feel good by helping her out , but I just felt exhausted . This time , one of the things she needed me to do was beyond my computer expertise . I offered Kyle 's expertise since it would give him something to do . It was back to work today . I was extra tired , but I managed to get through it . Stairs have been getting increasingly more difficult . Because my art room is on the third floor of the building , I have to take a break in between flights ! I have had several people mention that they think I 'm going to be going to deliver early because I 'm so big . They 're mostly coworkers , so I 've tried to joke and smile about it . However , I didn 't take it quite so well , internally . I have noticed recently that whenever a particular female friend of Kyle 's messages him on Facebook , he closes the window and doesn 't respond in front of me . This morning my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up their conversations on his computer . I went back a number of months . The majority of the conversations were about little things and almost all were at her initiating . It was clear to me that she was more interested in being his friend than he was in being hers . However , there was one from a few months ago where she asked him ( seemingly out of the blue ) if he didn 't miss sleeping with other women . He said " sometimes " . Later on in the conversation , seemingly out of the blue again , he mentioned that she still gave the best blow jobs . My heart exploded in my chest . I felt crushed since he told me the same thing . I woke him up and we talked about it . He said that the thing about the blow jobs was an inside joke and that he was having dreams about sleeping with his exes at that point in time , which is why he answered how he did . To be fair , later in the conversations when she asked how he was enjoying marriage ( we have been keeping up the facade that we 're married so I could keep my job ) and he said he was enjoying it . Kyle and I talked , but I still felt a horrible pain inside my chest . On the way to work , I felt like my world was falling apart . I thought he was a good person . He was a guy who seemed to truly love me . He cooked for me . He massaged my feet when they were sore . He seemed to really want this child and for us to be a family . I started wondering how I could have this kid and look after it on my own . I wondered if the reason the conversations were so sparse and out - of - the - blue was because he was deleting parts of them . Was there even a way of finding out ? I arrived to work barely on time . After the first two classes , I felt bad cramps really low down . I also felt nauseous . I blamed the pregnancy , told my principal how I was feeling , and left early . After a coworker asking how I was feeling , she insisted that I call the doctor right away . I called the emergency number in my phone and got just a weird voicemail that sounded nothing like what I had expected it to . I left a message and drove home . When I got there , Kyle and I talked some more . I had calmed down somewhat and so had he . I was still really hurting over what he had written , but there was also the desire to be on good terms with him as well . We held each other and cried and eventually we both drifted off to sleep . I awoke to a coworker calling to ask what the doctor said . I realized we slept most of the day away . I also realized that I had programmed the emergency number wrong in my phone ! I was glad that I found out today ! I dialed the correct number and waited for the call back . In the meantime , my principal called me to see how I was doing . As I hung up with her , I got the call back and they insisted that I come in . We waited for a while and Kyle waited with me . We got an ultrasound and they checked my cervix . I was not told anything about what they saw except for the fact that there are no signs of preterm labor and the pain was coming from the separation of my pelvis . The doctor explained that everyone 's pelvis separates in preparation for delivery , but that few actually feel pain from it . She didn 't say why mine hurt , but I suspected it was my age . When we got home , I went to bed . I woke up in pain , but took my two Tylenol ( the only painkiller I was allowed to take ) and did my best to waddle around the apartment to get ready for work . It was painful and took longer than usual . I practically shuffled around the building , but I managed to " teach " all my classes . With it being so close to the end of the school year , we really can 't start any new projects because the teachers never let me know when I will or will / not have their students . I had the kids do free drawing today while listening to music . I made them come to me if they had a question or wanted to show me anything . Despite everything that happened yesterday , Kyle and I seem to mostly be back on good terms again . I can 't even begin to describe or fathom why , but I wasn 't complaining . I was still hurting a little bit over it , but it wasn 't too bad . I kept trying to tell myself all the things he was doing for me and how supportive he was of me . It sort of helped . I realized that maybe I should check to see if there were any other conversations that Kyle might have been having with other people that were inappropriate , so I went through a bunch of his other conversations on messenger and discovered nothing untoward . I don 't know what 's the matter with me that I feel so suspicious or worried about him , but clearly he doesn 't deserve it . I looked it up online and apparently it some sort of thing that pregnant women go through , like something their hormones spur on or something . We had a good night together . He made an amazing dinner and gave me a foot massage before bed . Kyle and I went to another hiking thing . I am getting more used to not hiking . Of course my ex - husband and his girlfriend were there . At first , it affected me , but I did my best trying to keep in constant conversation with someone or other . By the end , it seemed like he was the one who felt out of place ! Maybe it 's mean of me , but I 'm okay with that ! Even though most of the people there were more acquaintances rather than real friends , it helped me to feel more like I belonged there . I hung out with the other women and their kids . I used to be friends with several of them , but they dropped me not long after Tim and I broke up and I never knew why . I tried to be as friendly as possible and tried to be friendly and not act injured . I must have done succeeded because I felt like we started on the first steps towards repairing our friendship . Because I was feeling better after resting so much yesterday , I got a lot done today . Kyle and I went food shopping and ran a bunch of needed errands . I 'm not looking forward to going back to school , but I know it needs to be done . At least the end is in sight with just about four weeks left of classes ! As always , I showed more documentaries in my classes today . I was just so tired that I had no energy to do anything . At least I didn 't fall asleep in class like I have done on other occasions ! I also had my appointment with my endocrinologist today . Apparently , if thyroid numbers change during a pregnancy , it 's usually in week 32 . We talked briefly . Other than being dismayed at the fact that I gained 48lbs ( my gynecologist didn 't even 't comment on it ) , he didn 't have much else to say . I got my blood drawn and he told me to come back Friday for the results . Today I had a slightly easier schedule due to some testing , but not by much . I was able to get working on some of the grading that I needed to do , so that was nice . I had my gynecologist appointment today . They did an ultrasound and I got to see him ! She said that he 's about 4lb 9oz already ! I watched the ultrasound closely and it said that the head measurement was around the size typical for 33 weeks 5 days instead of 32 weeks 5 days . She didn 't say anything and told me everything was fine and normal . I took it as another sign that I 'm going to deliver early . I had been dreading this day for a while now . There was yet another student concert with another accompanying art show . I know the idea was to have an art show with each concert showing off the work of the students who were a part of the concert , but it did seem like an awful lot of work and late nights for me ! My main goal was to just get through the day and night as well as I could . Apparently , I did very well , but was exhausted by the time I got home . I didn 't even want to eat , I just walked in and went right to bed ! I woke up to the sound of the carbon monoxide detector going off . It was a slow beeping and when the bedroom door was open , it stopped . We decided to go to the nearest 24 hour store and get a new battery . We did and it continued beeping , but not the fast beeps that were considered the actual warning . I couldn 't go back to sleep and called the landlord as soon as I got to work and it was considered a decent hour to call . He said he 'd come by with a replacement while I was at work . I had some parents e - mail me to complain about the layout of the art show and felt slighted when their child had less work up than others . While there were good reasons for it , whether or not it was because their child was too busy talking in class to finish their work or they were absent and missed days of class , these parents were not satisfied with my answers . I ended up talking with one on the phone and she went so far as to tell me what a horrible teacher I was . I just snapped and told her we should meet with the principal and hung up on her . I felt bad , but it was probably better than me reacting to the anger . I went to the principal and let her know exactly what happened and that she should be expecting a phone call from that parent . I know I overreacted . I was tired from staying late at night and waking up early . I got overemotional and I was embarrassed by how I reacted . I don 't know what parents expect when they call up . I have had parents ask me to change grades , change punishments , or just change policies of mine . What they don 't seem understand is that no child is perfect . All children make mistakes . I am not targeting their child . I do not dislike their child . And the ruder they get , the less likely they are of succeeding in the reason why they called . When I was a kid and a teacher called home , my parents always believed what they said . Now , the parents believe the kid . I just don 't get it . I woke up early to get my car to the mechanic . I had finally saved up enough money to get the part that I needed . It took them the better part of the morning to install it , but I didn 't care . It was going to be done ! The lack of the " check engine " light was a beautiful sight as I drove home ! Afterwards , I was so tired I needed a nap . Then we got up and did laundry . I know all of that stuff needed to be done , but I feel like I never get any time to do what I want to do or even need to do . I 'm probably just tired and over - emotional though . I woke up early again . The plan for today was to go to my mom 's house and do the remainder of the washing of baby stuff before meeting up with some friends . On my way there , the " check engine " light came back on . I felt very despondent . In addition , it took too long to do all of the laundry so I ended up having to drive a half hour to visit my friends and then a half hour back to my mom 's afterwards . I was tired and starting to feel burned out . When I confided this to Rebecca , she told me I better get used to it because it 's only going to get worse when the baby comes . While there is some truth to what she said , it hurt my feelings nonetheless . By the time I got home , Kyle was really sweet about how much he missed me throughout the day . He had cleaned the whole apartment and it looked really nice . I spent a little quality time with him before falling asleep . When I woke up my cold was worse , but I had to go to work today . Tonight was the concert and my art show . The concert really had nothing to do with me , except for the fact that my school has a tradition of having art shows on the same night . I still had a lot of pictures to mount and hang . They also make a big show of thanking me for the things I do at the concert . I pushed myself to get it all done . The nurse let me sleep in the cot in her room between the end of school and the concert . I slept for two hours , ate dinner , got thanked at the concert , and promptly went home and went to bed . I had to drag myself out of bed today . I had a difficult time staying upright when standing . I 'm not sure if it was my pregnancy making me light - headed or if my cold was getting worse . My voice had become a croak . I could speak , but my voice was significantly lower and I couldn 't talk loudly . About halfway through the day , I decided to go home and sleep . I just couldn 't stay awake anymore . My boss could see how worn and poorly I looked . When I got home , I fell asleep . When I woke up , Kyle insisted that I go to the local urgent care . I honestly expected them to tell me what I thought I already knew ; that I had a bad cold . Or maybe accuse me of having allergies . Instead , I found out that my temperature was elevated and they recommended antibiotics . We picked up the prescription , I called in sick for work tomorrow , and went to sleep . Even though I had already called in last night , I didn 't sleep very late . I got up early , wandered around a bit , then laid back down to sleep some more . I got distracted with a few things and didn 't end up going back to sleep until 10 or 11 . Then I slept 4 or 5 more hours . I must have needed it ! When I got up , Kyle kept asking me for help with various projects he was working on . They didn 't really require much effort on my part , just another pair of hands . I also finished reading " Childbirth Without Fear " . It was written a long time ago and there were a few sections that were antiquated . Otherwise , it really did help me conquer my fear of childbirth ! It was a tough read though . It was partially due to anachronistic language and partially due to pregnancy brain . I wasn 't sure I was ready to return to work . I knew that I had to go in , but I wasn 't ready to . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to handle working the whole day , plus helping out with an after school program like I had agreed to . I did feel significantly better . My cough was almost gone and my voice was back to normal . However , once I reached lunch time , my exhaustion caught up with me . I was really tired . I dragged myself through the final classes . Afterwards , I was chatting with a coworker who told me that the music teacher was fired . She didn 't have the details , but she had apparently pissed off a parent . I know what that 's like . However , I had always thought of her as an institution there . She wasn 't tenured because she was part - time . I felt for her . I also privately told myself I should really buckle down in my job search becase I didn 't want to get stuck in a similar situation . She would be back tomorrow and when she decided to tell me , I had to look surprised . I never was very good at making my face show emotions that I wasn 't feeling . I would do my best though ! By the time I got home , I just wanted to go to sleep . Kyle basically ordered me to lie down and relax . I made sure to do a few things that needed to be done ( like take my antibiotics ) first . He cooked us dinner . We watched the latest installment of a television drama we had been watching while we ate . We then laid down and had some intimate time . Even though I 'm not terribly interested in anything sexual , apparently it didn 't change the fact that I like pleasing him from time to time . He was worried that I wouldn 't get enough sleep for tomorrow . I told him that I really didn 't have a whole lot to do with our half day . I guess that 's all it took to convince him ! I awoke a bit late today , but it wasn 't a big deal . Everything was ready to go and I didn 't have much to do . We had a half day at work , but the kids were nuts . I mentioned to a coworker that I was taking antibiotics and she asked if they were safe to take while pregnant . I had assumed so since I couldn 't fathom why a doctor would give me them otherwise . I started to worry . Then I started to worry . I didn 't think I felt the baby move much today . Was there a problem with him ? Was he just sleeping ? Was I just being paranoid . I spent about two hours wondering and waiting before I felt some movement . It was still a small movement , so I hoped everything was okay . I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid . I took my car to the mechanic ( again ) . I 'm really getting sick of having to get it fixed . I know that it 's old and the mileage is quite high , so it needed to be done . I just wanted to get it done already ! I spent over $ 1 , 000 , a lot of the money my dad gave us for the baby . However , he 's going to need a safe car to ride in , so I suppose the argument could be made for it . All week , my lower belly has been weighing more heavily . Now it 's starting to get sore when it 's weighed down by gravity . My belly is oddly shaped and covered in stretch marks . I feel more like an overweight man than a pregnant woman at this point . I had stretch marks on my lower belly for months , but now I have acquired them on my upper belly and hips too . It is by no means the pretty perfect pregnant belly that people see on TV and movies . My belly is even more oblong than it is rounded . At this point , I don 't care , so long as it does its job and brings a healthy baby into this world . I do worry a little about the stretch marks . I am still holding onto the idea / hope that I 'll be able to lose the baby weight plus the extra weight I 've been trying to lose since before I got pregnant . Kyle has also promised to help support me in this goal by allowing me an hour of workout time every day if I would do the same for him . Well , we 'll see ! I had planned to do a few things this morning , before we left , but it never ended up happening . Kyle knew that I knew that my shower was today , but nobody else knew . However , when we arrived at the location , I recognized a friend 's very recognizable car ( it is both an unusual model and color ) . Then I saw a sawhorse labeled with my name and it said that it 's my parking spot . When I walked in , I was in shock . There were relatives and friends I didn 't expect to see . My dad came to visit from halfway across the U . S . , for example . My middle sister was clearly the organizer of the event and she did a great job ! It was fun and entertaining , and I really don 't say that about things like baby showers . Everyone was really generous , making me feel bad that I hadn 't managed to give them more at their weddings and showers . Then came the moment of truth . My middle sister had convinced us to do a gender reveal . She wheeled out the cake , I cut into it , and saw the blue icing . I am going to have a boy ! While I preferred a girl , I thought it was a boy . We also announced the name , which was my father 's first name . While I had never been particularly close with my father , I liked his name and it was a family name that was about to die out . I was later told that my dad teared up . My dad also gave us a check that I thought said $ 300 , which was very generous . I hugged and thanked him . Later on , I discovered that it said $ 3 , 000 ! All of the big ticket items were bought for us and then some ! We started to get concerned about where we were going to put everything , but I suppose that 's a great problem to have ! There were also a number of sentimental presents where people made things for us . As we drove away , we were both in silent shock and gratitude . We stopped at a big box store to pick up a few things we needed with some of the gift money we were given . I got some clothes and underwear for our hospital bag . Kyle got a cute father 's day shirt that he 's going to put in his hospital bag . When we got home , we talked for a little while about the day and everyone 's generosity and went to bed . I woke up rather early this morning . I got up , read a chapter of my Childbirth Without Fear book , and fell back asleep on the couch . I woke up a few hours later , made breakfast , and went back to sleep . I had a difficult time staying awake , in general today . To be fair , this was the first day I had where I didn 't have to be anywhere or do anything in over a month . I guess my body just needed its rest . I awoke very tired after only four hours of sleep . I uncharacteristically felt tired on my morning commute and struggled with staying awake . I have a sore throat as well , which was rather uncomfortable . My day was rather normal . Nothing of interest happened at work , excepting the shower my coworkers were having for me after school . They had taken up a collection and were very generous ! When I got home , Kyle and I looked at everything that was left on our registry that we thought we needed and bought it ! It felt really good to have everything that we wanted / thought we needed for the baby when he comes ! I was able to sleep in a little today because we had a conference day . Unfortunately , my body decided it wanted to sleep in more . I showed up late . Thankfully , nobody noticed . I sat a little apart on the end in the back . I couldn 't get comfortable . Sitting was uncomfortable . So was standing . Then once an hour or so I had to use the restroom . I was glad when it was over ! I fought sleep on the drive home . When I got there , I went right to sleep . I wonder if I 'm getting sick or if I just need more sleep again for the baby to develop . Even though I woke up for a little while , I was really out of it . I went to bed for the night not long afterwards . I had a relatively easy day at work today . Wednesdays are usually relatively easy for me . For some reason , it seemed more difficult than usual . I fought sleep on the way home and slept a lot when I got home . I think I 'm getting sick because my sore throat made a reappearance today . Today was a rough day at work . It became apparent that my cold was getting worse . I couldn 't stand for long because I became too light - headed . My voice started cracking and got lower than usual . By the time I went home , all I wanted to do was sleep again . At least tomorrow is Friday . I don 't think I mentioned this before , but my belly started feeling bigger and heavier all week . I 'm not sure if it 's because I know that we 're going to have a boy or I 'm just tired and worn out from being sick and pregnant , but I feel this overwhelming urge to have this pregnancy be over so I can meet our baby . It probably doesn 't help that when he has strong movements that an observer can actually see my belly bulge out a little in that spot ! I also had several coworkers tell me that they knew it was a boy . The reasons they cited were everything from the fact that I was carrying heavy to the fact that my face was relatively unchanged to the fact that my belly wasn 't perfectly rounded . My belly has never been perfectly rounded . It 's always been an odd shape , even when I was thin and fit , so I expected that it would remain the same in pregnancy . I always admired flat bellies and round bellies , but I have never had either . Now that I 'm pregnant , I don 't mind so much , so long as my belly adequately carries our little one until he 's healthy and ready to arrive . But I wish that time would come already ! We woke up early and drove to visit Zak and Danielle . We knew that this was going to be our last big trip before the baby came . We may attempt a trip or two that 's around 2 hours , but there 's no way I 'm going to be able to handle another 5 + hour trip until after the baby comes . They have a two and a half year old . It was like looking into the future to see what we could expect . They 're in the process of potty training him . They also catered to what he would eat more than I would like to . Actually , they spent a lot of time arguing over what was or was not okay for their kid . They really didn 't seem to happy together and it looked like they had differing opinions about child - rearing . I am grateful that even though Kyle and I have not been together for very long before this happened that we really do seem to be on the same page . We 're both happy to be starting a family together and both very happy about my pregnancy . I really can 't complain . In fact , I really can 't see how I could have done any better ! I hope things continue to be as good for us as they have been ! We decided to go out to see a movie and invited Zak and Danielle . Neither wanted to leave the other with the baby , which was understandable . They both told us to enjoy the movie while we could , implying that it would be a long time before we could enjoy one after the baby arrives . Maybe they 're right . It just seemed like an odd thing to say . I spent the majority of the day driving . It was nice to see Zak and Danielle , but I was ready to leave . By the time we got home , we really didn 't have much energy to do anything . I did manage to put together our rocking chair and sat in it for a little while before I went to bed . I 'm not sure what it is , but I really have been wanting to find out the sex of the baby . Maybe it 's just that I 've been feeling constant movement , but I still don 't really feel connected to it . I feel like using the correct pronoun and a name would help . We picked out names for both sexes , but I don 't want to use one only to find out that it 's the other . For a number of weeks at the beginning I was using male pronouns , but was unsure if it was because that 's the sex of the baby or if it was just the typical go - to pronoun that our society uses when the sex of something is uncertain . I would like a girl , but that 's just because that 's what I understand . Both boys and girls ( assuming that they 're gender - typical ) come with their own types of challenges . Either way , it 'll be a baby and I 'll be happy no matter what it is ! Today the clothes I work made it obvious to the parents that I was pregnant . I had arrival duty . It mostly consisted of watching the kids get off the busses and making sure that none of the parents came into the school with their child . When the parents saw me , many of them looked at my belly and asked when my last day of school would be . I told them that I would be there until the end . They asked me , several , at different times if I was going to last that long . I 'm not due until the end of July , so this question took me aback . After the first few , I just started telling people I guessed I was carrying really heavy and left it at that . I even had a little girl ask me , " Are there two babies in there ? " Kyle and I went to the grocery store after work . We were in an aisle and one lady told me how beautiful I looked . Assuming she was talking to someone else , I looked around and realized we were the only ones in the aisle . So I thanked her belatedly for her compliment . She asked when I was due . I told her . She asked if I had twins . I said no . That 's when she said she didn 't believe me . I started to get annoyed because apparently my pregnancy allows strangers to comment on my body . No doubt if I was carrying lightly , I 'd be getting comments too . Well , for the most part , I like being pregnant , but I 'm really starting to wish I knew what sex we 're going to be having . I feel that using gender neutral terms like " it " , " baby " , and " the kid " are starting to get old and are preventing me from really forming a connection . Plus it would help if I could actually call " the thing " by his or her real name ! Hopefully I 'll find out soon ! Today was supposed to be an easy day , but it didn 't feel that way . I woke up so late that I knew I would arrive late to work . I sent an e - mail and blamed the traffic . I had to be at school about a half hour before my first class started anyway . I guess the clothes I wore today made me look more pregnant than usual . I had thought that the kids in my dance production would have spread the word around the school that I was pregnant , but not every class already knew . I found myself explaining it a lot in classes today , which was fine . Kyle wanted me to drive him to a hike after I got out of work , but he just couldn 't find the things he needed for it in time . In truth , I was relieved . I was too tired to put forth the added energy that I knew I 'd need if I were going to be sociable with people . Also , people tend to go out afterwards , so I knew that we wouldn 't get home in time for me to get a full 8 hours of sleep . Instead , we just hung out , cuddled , and watched a movie together . Sometimes those are the nicest nights ! I awoke tired again today . It seems like I 'm never going to catch up on sleep ! It was nice to be able to go home after work today . I had plans to clean out my car , but that didn 't happen . My body must just be needing to rest because I went to sleep when I got home . Either the baby is going through a growth spurt or I am . My upper belly right under my breasts has been sore and I feel gravity pulling on my lower belly as well . I 've noticed that such things will bother me for a few days or a week at the most . Then my body gets used to the change and I 'm fine . I just need to suck it up and deal with it for a few days and I 'll be fine ! I was extremely exhausted today . I needed to buy some caffeinated soda just to be aware enough on the drive to work . I dragged myself through the day , happy when it was over . I had plans to get a few things done when I got home , but I just didn 't have the mental or physical energy . I fell asleep when I got home and woke up long enough to pick Kyle up from work . When he got home , he was talking about cleaning up the apartment to invite my sisters over after the shower . I asked if that meant the shower was this weekend . He seemed annoyed to have given it away . I told him that I had suspected it for a long time since he was talking about doing something nice for my mom for Mother 's Day without wanting help or input from me . He felt a bit better and was happy to not have to hide it from me anymore . I 'm very much looking forward to tomorrow so we can finally find out the sex of the baby ! It has been driving me crazy all week , so I guess it 's now time to know ! Week 28 - I tried to catch up on sleep this week , but failed . I spent most of the time just trying to catch up on everything that I had put off last week with all of the rehearsals . I hope to catch up on sleep soon . I 've been tired a lot , but at least the stress component is gone ! I have been busy , but hopefully there is an end in sight ! I also seem to be obviously pregnant to even the casual observer now . I have had several parents ask me about my pregnancy . Several asked if I was going to have twins . Several commented about how it was going to be a big baby . I had a few confidently tell me I wasn 't going to last until the end of the school year . I finally got in the habit of telling people I was just carrying big before the comments started as I was starting to lose my patience . Why does everyone feel the need to comment on the size of my belly ! ? I felt like I really haven 't had bunch of a spring break at all . I took today and finished reading both of the pregnancy books I had . They were the type that went through week by week , month by month , and gave an idea of what to expect and some ways to deal with common issues . They ended with labor , what could be expected , and some common pregnancy medical issues - everything from a good diet to people who already had existing medical conditions . It was informative , but I was happy to be done . It took me longer than I expected , but I finished them by the end of the night . It was nice to just lay around all day and do something similar to relaxing . I slept in today . Even after I woke up , I really just took it easy all morning . I had to go in to work because I had my dance performance coming up next week and I had to set up the sound and lighting equipment . My school makes such a big deal about these things . The lighting board somehow got un - programed . Kyle and I stayed late trying to figure out how to program it . I finally got too tired and just gave up for the night . I got home and to sleep too late . I was a little out of it today . I was really stressed with the number of things I had to do . I showed some lengthy documentaries in my older classes and assigned a report on them . They should take at least a few classes worth of watching to finish them . I got a lot of stuff done during those classes . I have rehearsals all week for my dance production . Today after the rehearsal , Kyle came and managed to program the lighting board . We still left there too late for a good night 's sleep again . It was difficult to get up this morning . I barely made it to work on time . I struggled to stay awake at work . My back was also incredibly sore after rehearsal , even though I didn 't do any dancing , I just watched and organized the students as to when to go on and how . After the rehearsal was over , I had to meet with the stage crew . When that meeting was over , my principal had stayed late to talk to me . By the time I left , I was barely able to leave in time to get a full night 's sleep . And of course , when I got home , Kyle had dinner waiting for me . He is so sweet and supportive ! I was tired , stressed , and got very little sleep . I wasn 't particularly worried about the dance production . I was plagued by vivid dreams that were unsettling . I was looking forward to getting this over so I could sleep . I forced myself to stand longer and be more active than my body wanted to be and I could feel it taking its toll . Of course I overbooked myself for today . I went somewhere else first in order to help out a friend . Then I had my dance production . It was hailed as the best yet and I was praised for how calm I kept throughout the whole thing . Nobody realized that I wasn 't calm , I was just sleep - deprived ! It was nice to be able to sleep in today , even though I didn 't sleep particularly late . Everyone at Kyle 's mother 's house is a night owl , so I enjoyed a nice quiet couple of hours while I finished my latest knitting project . When everyone got up , Kyle and I went to get his hair cut , ate lunch out , and bought some food to make dinner for his family . We made a dinner that was a little too filling . Then I forced myself to stay awake so I could hang out with Kyle and his mom and get to know her better . The two of them drank and I forced myself to stay awake and act sociable . Around midnight , I was too exhausted and went to bed . I asked Kyle to take my shoes off and he noticed that one of my feet was blue . It was cold , all the way up to my calf . He rubbed it until color and warmth came back into it . He said it was normal , but when I googled it later , I couldn 't find anything other than a mention of it on a few message boards . And on the message boards , it always was accompanied by swelling . Well , I have a doctor 's appointment on Tuesday , so I 'll ask about it then ! I awoke late and groggy . We had a breakfast brunch with Kyle 's parents , aunt , and cousin . I enjoyed myself , but I was feeling very off , so I ended up spending most of the time they were there laying on the couch and contributing to the conversation as best as I could . After they left , Kyle and I decided to take a nap . I must have needed it more than I thought , because I didn 't even hear Kyle 's mom wake us up the first time for Easter dinner . The second time , she managed to break through my muddled sleep . I got up and ate with them , but we were very groggy . I had a dream last night . I dreamed that I was visiting my dad in Florida . We were swimming , but all of a sudden the temperature dropped and the wind picked up . I looked out and you could see storm clouds on the horizon . My step - mom mentioned the possibility of rain , but my dad and her got into a debate about it . By the time we were on the beach picking up our stuff , the first drops had begun to fall . We quickly ran off of the beach onto a raised concrete veranda of a nearby condo . We watched as the water rose and quickly turned into gigantic waves , taking out houses and washing them away as we watched . The waves got higher and higher and started making their way to the veranda we were standing on . I felt the concrete of the building move under our feet and suggested we go further inland . The next part of the dream was like something out of an action movie . We ran in the lee of the condo where the water had not yet penetrated much , but the other side had a small river running . There was a partially submerged house , so I ran and jumped on the roof . I ran from roof to roof until we got to a place with dry pavement . We continued to run until we thought we were safe enough inland . We found another sturdily build condominium and ran up the stairs until we got about a third of the way up . We picked a random door and pounded on it , asking for help and refuge . The lady who lived there was kind and let us in . She made us food . We were sitting around the table with some other refugees when I felt a slight lurch in the building that suggested that the water caught up with us . I looked out of the window and saw that the top section of the building was about to fall off . I dove out of the window into the water . I was lucky to miss the debris falling on top of me . I swam around to the other side ( that 's where the current was taking me anyway ) and saw the section of the building containing my dad and step - mom splash into the water . I could see the navy training my dad had hadn 't left him . He quickly emerged from the water and quickly went back in for my step - mom . We ran some more until I couldn 't breathe anymore . Then we walked for a while so I could catch my breath . Finally , we came upon an apartment building . There was nobody home , so my dad broke into an apartment . A few other refugees followed us . We again sat down to some food when I realized that the water had yet again found us . I told my dad that I just couldn 't run forever . I decided to get to a dry section of land where I could call a cab and go to the airport . Because I flew home a day earlier than I had intended and my phone 's charger had been left there , I had no way to contact Kyle to let him know that I was coming home . I also knew that he had had a large party for all of our hiking friends the week before . So now Tim , my gaslighting ex - husband , knew I was living there again and he had a key . I didn 't want to go home to those circumstances . I stopped by Zak and Danielle 's house , since they 're the kind of people who would welcome me no matter what time I stopped by . However , their house was already full with guests . I had to either sleep on a giant bean bag or the floor . I tried , but couldn 't sleep . I chatted with Danielle for a little bit , trying to get tired . It turned out that Tim had moved nearby again . He had also posted a picture to Facebook with all of my sex toys that he found while he was at my house for that party . I hadn 't seen it because I had blocked him . I decided sleep wasn 't going to happen , so Zak drove me to my house . He parked down the street and checked the parking . There were a number of cars there , but they could have belonged to the frat house next door . We had just gone in the basement entrance , to start at the bottom and work our way up in our search for Tim . There were two girls down there drinking . Kyle walked downstairs completely naked with a dog on a leash . He looked at me , completely startled to see me , and thanked the girls for their use of the dog . I couldn 't imagine why he would be completely naked and wondered if he had cheated on me while I was gone . That was the end of the dream . I woke up feeling very emotional and rather suspicious of his fidelity . I told him about the dream and he commented on the weirdness of my dreams . I was in a bit of a dream - induced daze for the entire lengthy drive home . As per the instructions of the internet , I stopped and got out and walked every hour . It added an extra hour or two to my lengthy trip . When we got home , my legs , feet , and ankles felt funny , so I took a bath . Our bathtub isn 't huge , so I was really only able to fit my legs in below the water line . When I got out , my thighs felt weirder , kind of tingly . I asked Kyle and he said that my legs were swollen all the way up to my thighs . He immediately made me lay down and raised my legs with pillows . The problem was it hurt to lay on my back ( and I believe I 'm not supposed to at this point anyway . I laid on my side and tried to raise my feet as high above my head as possible . We went to my doctor 's appointment . We had another gynecologist today . We had tried to schedule appointments with all of them to ensure that we 'd get to know all of the ones in the group before the birth . We will be getting whoever is on call , so I wanted to at least know each of them a little bit ahead of time . I liked this one . I asked about the swelling and blue foot . She said if it 's not a consistent problem , then we shouldn 't worry about it . Everything was normal , including my blood pressure , urine , etc . She mentioned that my free T4 was low ( which was a thyroid number gotten at my last lab ) . Afterwards , he had work and I just relaxed and watched movies for a little while . I didn 't feel like I had the energy to do anything . I also figured with everything that had been going on , I should just take it easy . I had an interview in the morning for another art teaching job . It 's just too expensive where we live right now to live off of one income with a baby . I thought it went well . When I got home in the evening , I was asked to return for a second interview on Friday . I would be teaching an art class in front of the interview committee . This sort of thing is not uncommon in teaching , but I 've never had the pleasure of doing it . It will be tough to get together a good lesson plan with all of the criteria that they wanted to see in my lesson with less than two days in advance . I will do my best , of course . I spent the day at work . I had to come in to do some special work for the principal . I tried to come up with a good lesson plan when I was free to think about it , but I really came up with nothing . When I went to bed , I started to get worried . I really couldn 't come up with anything good . There were plenty of things I could teach and plenty of go - to lessons . The problem was they asked for a lot of specific things that they wanted included in the lesson . The one thing that really pissed me off was that they wanted Common Core stuff included in the lesson . There is no Common Core for art . So basically all they see my subject as is a supplement to the fucking " core " subjects . Like art isn 't important enough on its own . Unfortunately , this is way too common these days . I have a BS stock answer that I give when they ask how I implement Common Core in my classroom . However , I don 't go out of my way to teach other subjects . That 's the other teachers ' job . I had my second interview today . I taught a half hour lesson . I looked at the reaction of the interview committee at the end , but none of their faces were terribly easy to read . I thought it went really well . I was told that I would be called sometime next week to be informed if I got the job or not . I 'm feeling pretty optimistic , though ! I must have really needed some time off because I couldn 't motivate myself to do anything today . I spent almost the entire day lying on the couch . I felt bad because I had things I wanted to accomplish , but I couldn 't even force myself to do the simplest of tasks . When it was time to go to bed , Kyle put his hand on my lower belly to feel the baby moving . Not only did he feel it move , but we realized that the baby would move more to the sound of his voice ! It was really sweet and a really nice father moment for him . I know fathers have a difficult time connecting to the baby before it 's born , so it was really nice to see . To be honest , I 'm having a difficult time connecting with the baby before it 's born and I can even feel it moving around inside of me ! Because I spent yesterday doing next to nothing , I spent today trying to make up for it . Unfortunately , I had managed to compile my to - do lists so that it would take close to a full day to complete the tasks on each . As such , I completed Saturday 's tasks , but not today 's . I felt like my weekend didn 't exist . I did a lot of stuff , but I was just looking forward to the end of the week when my spring break started . I wasn 't looking forward to the long trip Kyle and I were going to take to visit his mom , but it would have been nice to just have a break . I like his mom well enough , but they don 't actually eat any meals other than dinner , so I end up spending more money than I 'd like just to eat breakfast and lunch . When we got home , Kyle and I were watching a movie trailer on his ipad when I felt the baby moving . It had a classic rock song playing , so we decided to play a number of different songs to see how the baby would react . It turned out that the baby liked my music better than his , but would always move around when the music had a good beat ! It was a lot of fun ! It also helped me to develop a connection with the baby other than getting annoyed with it for kicking me in the bladder ! I got a lot done today in preparation for my upcoming spring break . The idea was to complete as much of my to - do list as possible so I didn 't have anything to worry about while I was on break . I just had students watch documentaries while I worked on my computer . I feel like I 've been a bad art teacher lately considering that is all I have been having my classes to lately . There are even some simple things I could have them do that doesn 't require much energy on my part , so they 're still making art , but I really haven 't been feeling up to it . Today was a rough day . Several of the co - workers I 'm closest to ( I wouldn 't quite call them friends ) were having a rough time . One of them had to leave early for a wedding she was in , but our boss was giving her a hard time about it . Another one had her husband coming home from a nursing home , so she needs to take care of him again and he pretty much gives her a hard time about everything . Another one has been dealing with a sick mother and a broken finger . Needless to say , most people I encountered were in a bad mood . The students didn 't help matters . They were antsy and didn 't want to listen . When I got home , I was too exhausted to pack for our upcoming trip . Instead , I just laid on the couch until bedtime . Kyle was remarkably good about not nagging me to do the stuff I just didn 't have the energy to do . I was very much looking forward to getting work done with . I only had three classes due to the half day . I was very happy when they were over ! I had to stay late at work to finish up a few items on my to - do list that I didn 't want to carry over into my spring break and drove home . When I got there , I was exhausted . Kyle encouraged me to take a nap . The nape didn 't help . I was even more tired when I woke up . After an hour , I dragged myself up and packed everything that I needed . We left a little later than I would have liked and didn 't get to my middle sister 's house until close to 11 . When we got there , I was ready for sleep , so she just got us some blankets and let us get to sleep . Kyle and I had slept very poorly the night before . While my sister 's couch was comfortable enough , it was difficult to roll over to switch positions whenever one side hurt . I woke up at one point to see Kyle lying on the floor next to me . He later explained that while the recliner was comfortable , he was too far away from me , which I thought was rather sweet . We spent the morning playing mini - golf with my sister . Thankfully , she won both rounds . She 's such a sore loser , that it almost makes it worth it to let her win . I never do , because I 'm so competitive , but still , she would have been a pain in the ass if she hadn 't . We went for massages next because both me and Kyle were really sore . Kyle had never had a professional massage before . He greatly enjoyed it . We went back to my sister 's house , played with her dog , played a board game , and ate lunch . Then she had to go to work and we had to drive to Kyle 's mother 's house . Our trip was boring and uneventful , but I was still very worn out by the time we got there . I hugged his mom and did my best to make small talk with her and Kyle 's step - dad . I went to bed early and Kyle stayed up drinking with them . I know he had been wanting to drink for awhile , but had nobody to drink with since I couldn 't drink . I always had a bad feeling about him drinking . A lot of his family are alcoholics , so maybe that 's all it is . Nothing bad had happened other than him coming in and waking me up at about 3am and talking for hours about what he had discussed with his mom and step - dad . I guess my nesting instinct was alive and well . I continued to finish straightening up and arrange the nook of our bedroom where are keeping the baby stuff . Kyle wasn 't feeling well , so he called in to work . We mostly just hung out in the evening , compiled a food shopping list , and watched movies as I napped intermittently The hospital I will be delivering at finally had an opening to do a tour . We saw the labor room and I got to ask some questions that I had . Many of my coworkers had delivered there and said so many good things about it that I had really expected something exceptional . To be honest , it looked like a hospital . There was nothing terribly exceptional about it , but at least we got it done ! We now know our way around there and how to get there , which was important . I spent most of the day driving . I drove to my job interview and then drove back . The interview seemed to go quite well . I thought that it was a good sign that they asked about any other interviews I had . Even so , I thought it was a bit odd that they asked where else I had applied . Another thing that was odd was that when one of the interviewers came to get me , she took one look at me , said , " You 're pregnant ! Did you tell us that on the phone ? " I had not , and as far as I know , the interviewer asking any questions about pregnancy during an interview is illegal . I slept horribly last night . I kept waking up needing to blow my nose . I apparently hit the snooze on my alarm clock for over two hours this morning . When I finally woke up enough to even be cognizant enough to realize what was going on , I noticed that it was already light outside . I had about 15 minutes to leave or I would be late for work . I felt horrible , but I had to go in to work today . I needed to save my sick days for interviews . I had my students watching art videos again . I felt like I should teach them , but felt so crappy , that 's all I really could do . I could have fallen asleep at any point in time today . I woke up late today . It was about 30 minutes after I usually would have left for work . I arrived with only a few minutes to spare . I was so tired and out of it , I really didn 't get a whole lot of work done . It 's interesting . I spent my first trimester with no energy , waiting for the nausea to end and waiting for the day when I had a significantly reduced chance of miscarriage . My second trimester was full of announcements . I spent my time waiting for the first feeling of movement . Once that happened , I waited for the third trimester . That way , even if the baby were born early , it would still have a good chance of living . I wonder what my third trimester will bring . Will I just spend it watching myself grow bigger , waiting for the day the baby is ready to arrive ? I woke up at 2 : 30am to use the bathroom , but I never got back to sleep . Work was thankfully easy due to an assembly for two of my classes and two others were on a field trip . I still had a difficult time focusing . I 'm not typically one to have my sleep schedule disrupted . I 've always been a good sleeper and have been making sleep a priority in my life . This week has been particularly tough . I hope it won 't last . The acid in my throat returned today . It was uncomfortable and I couldn 't get it to go away . Tums stopped working a few weeks ago . I suppose it was my own fault for eating a breakfast of bagels and orange juice . I will really need to amend my diet to accommodate for this new development . It really seems like that as soon as I learn to deal with another uncomfortable aspect of pregnancy , another one comes to take its place . I woke up about 15 minutes after I usually leave for work again . I don 't understand why I keep sleeping so late . I have been going to bed on time too . I wanted nothing more than for the work day to be over . Of course , in the irony that is life , it was rather long and the students were poorly behaved and wouldn 't focus . When I got home , I don 't even remember what I spent my time doing . I fell asleep quite early watching a movie . Kyle woke me up around 11 to make me take my pre - natal vitamins and go to bed . I was just so happy to be able to sleep ! |
A diary of how I adopted a wild cat who had ingested antifreeze , how she recovered , and her effect on my older , tame cat . It will include details of visits to the vet , my friends ' advice , and what this experience has added to my life . My goal is to place her in a permanent home , be it on a farm or as a house pet ( doubtful ) . Spay Day was a big success . Picked Shadow up around 5 last night and took her home . For her , it is a real home now . Except for Bella , I would be pretty happy . Poor Bella thought she was back in her position as queen . She was waiting for me at the top of the stairs , but when she saw the carrier , she knew Shadow was back . If a cat could look crestfallen , Bella did . Mr . New Cat was hiding as usual . I let Shadow out in the bathroom but she didn 't want to stay there . She seems fine , licking her stitches but OK . I dropped off a wild cat and brought back a pet . This morning she let me pet her for about 15 minutes . She feels very soft , not as silky as Bella , but nice all the same . I just hope the three of them have a peaceful day . Last evening was not that peaceful . Bella and the male got into a fight . Her tail was enormous . She 's still eating , though , and so is Shadow ( also the male , but I wasn 't worried about him . ) Shadow 's spay day was bright and sunny , 60 degrees , and the animal hospital was easy to find . I must have passed it a dozen times in the past , and not noticed it sandwiched between a Western Beef and something else . If you blink , you miss it . The receptionist , Lucy , was lovely , as I 'd thought . I told her my suspicions about Shadow having asthma . I left her there not knowing if the doctor would be able to give her anesthetic or not , but no calls came all day . So I called them around 6 , and Lucy said my little cat was just waking up . So , yay , she had her hysterectomy . At home , all was peaceful . Bella was eating , and walking freely around the house in her old manner . She made it plain that she wanted to be fed in the kitchen . She 's had enough of being stuck in my room . Mr . New Cat was on the windowsill when I left , listening to Spyro Gyra , and he spent most of the day there . I still haven 't scrubbed the woodwork , but I did vacuum quite a bit . He was afraid of the vacuum cleaner , but he was basically OK . He had some treats as a reward for his bravery . It was fun cleaning up all the fur behind and on the couch , but I wouldn 't want to do it every day . I guess I 'll have to do it once a week , like a normal person , though . I moved the entire couch all the way out to the middle of the LR , finding half a dozen cat toys . It 's heavy , because it 's a sleeper sofa . Quite a workout . I found some Carbona and cleaned parts of the carpet , cleared off the marble - topped table , adjusted a light , and hung a Monet print . The place looks so much better , just from my day at home . Having a break from Shadow was like leaving a mischievous child in daycare , or overnight with Grandma . Like respite care , but also a little odd . I missed her , a little . At the vet 's lives a big tiger cat . He is very friendly , but when he walked over to Shadow 's carrier , she hissed and struck at him . " See , " I told Lucy , " She is feisty . " Her spirit has helped her survive thus far . She 's been with me almost three months , and we 'll see where she goes next . She is the boPosted by If I thought I was over my head a week ago , I 'm even more so now . My sister may not come visit now that she knows I have a third cat , an unspayed , unvaccinated , untested male , who might have fleas , disease , worms and germs . He is pretty dirty . He spends a lot of time on the windowsill , and now the white paint is gray . He fell asleep there last night . Looked kinda cute , stretched out with his chin on the sill . Shadow was snoring , curled up , about two feet from me on the other side of a pile of mail . Bella was in my room . I was watching CDs of Sex and the City . They like having me home . They come out of hiding and relax . Kitty 's threat is pretty much an ultimatum . She 's right . She would never have permitted a stray cat into her house . I should have had him to the vet by now . Oh , some good news . Shadow has an appointment for her spay on Dec . 3 . The people at that vet ( Flushing Vet Med Center ) sound very nice . If she hadn 't been vaccinated , they would have done it , I think included with the Friends of Animals voucher . And , they will keep her overnight . I can pick her up on Friday , the 4th . They 're open till 7 . Time is getting short . My sister is due here Dec . 7 . I 'd better get an FOA certificate for the male and get him done ASAP . Maybe the vet can do a blood test , flea check , and nail trim while he 's unconscious . They do all surgeries on Thursdays . Meanwhile , I am going away for Thanksgiving . My neighbor Marta has offered to take care of them , just not on Thanksgiving Day . I 'll leave dry food out , and lots of litter , and they 'll be all right . I 'll be gone from Wed . afternoon to Sat . night . Things are deteriorating around the old homestead . Mr . New Cat is unhappy . Last night he was on the windowsill , yowling to the outdoors . I 'll bet his hormones are acting up . Must call vet about Shadow 's spaying . Mr . New Cat is unhappy in general , because Shadow gives him such a hard time . I heard deep growling from behind the couch the other night . I am over my head with cats . Why did I take them in ? To save a life , in Shadow 's case . and to get a cat out of the cold , in the case of the male . Stupid of me . He 'd be happier outside . There are a couple of bright spots . Bella seems happier , now that Shadow is concentrating on the male , and this morning Shadow let me pet her again . It is such a thrill when she holds still and lets me , purring all the while . You 'd think she was a normal house cat . The spay certificate was in my mailbox , only a day or two after my second request . yay , FOA ! Shadow celebrated by peeing on a pile of old mail on the living room floor , as I watched from the couch . I couldn 't believe my eyes , because she 's been so good about that . You 're supposed to pick them up and place them in a litter box when they make a mistake . But she won 't let me pick her up , yet . I had to laugh to myself , because it made me finally throw away the mail , which may have been there for a year . Maybe she doesn 't want to pee in a box frequented by a male . Mr . New Cat did use the litter box , today and yesterday , judging by the evidence . Yay for him ! I like him ; he looks like Bella , white with black markings . I think she likes him . At least they 're not fighting . I saw him this morning , coming out of my room ! How did he get in there , and when ? Was he there all night , behind the bed ? It was interesting being home all day yesterday . Can 't do that today ; I have plans . But since I never saw Mr . New Cat until nighttime , my being home all day didn 't seem important . Shadow will tyrannize him anyway . Well , he is definitely an unfixed male . He urinated on the bathroom rug , but luckily there were newspapers down , because that was the spot where I had put the extra litter box . Too bad I covered them with the rug , a decorator touch that Mr . New Cat must have appreciated . Now the box is back there . He may want to hit the same spot , find the box there , and figure it out . Either he doesn 't know about litter boxes or Shadow wouldn 't let him reach it , where it was in the living room . I 'm not crazy about having a litter box in the LR , but was willing to try it because it 's closer to the couch . Shadow spent most of her time behind the couch , too , when she first came . Her litter box has been there ever since , till I moved it to the bathroom on Sunday for Mr . New Cat . Looks like I need a third litter box . Bella uses the one in my room , and so does Shadow if I leave my door open . I could also use an extra door here , to separate the cats . Another room would be nice . I hope Shadow doesn 't go into heat with a male loose in the apartment . " Keep them separated , " one of the women at the ASPCA told me . Another " duh " moment . I have to get her spayed . I 'm also worried about her breathing . She sounds like she 's snoring sometimes . I hope the vet can give her anesthesia in that condition . One step at a time , Barbara . You don 't even have the spay certificate yet . At that meeting , they said feral cats really do prefer to live outdoors . I believe it . Shadow spent a lot of time yesterday on the windowsill , watching the leaves fall from the trees . It 's her first autumn , and falling leaves must look odd to her . We are on the second floor , so anybody on the LR windowsill has a good view . Mr . New Cat was on the windowsill , too , wistfully breathing fresh air and looking out . He showed himself last night , walking from the kitchen . I was Posted by I 've done it again . Ali brought me another survivor from the colony in Richmond Hill . This one is a male , we think , but so far I have not seen much of him . We intended to put him in the bathroom , which I had prepared for a wild cat , having learned from my experience with Shadow . I 'm going to call the new cat a male , until verified . He has a large face , tomcat like , and no name yet . He 's pretty , white with gray markings , I think . He arrived Sunday night , same as Shadow , and now it 's Tuesday , my day off . This would be the day to take him to the vet , except he is hiding behind the couch . Shadow has turned into a little tyrant , chasing him and hissing . She 's keeping him pinned behind the couch . Wish we had released him in the bathroom , so he 'd be confined and I could see him . That was dumb , but we were eager to see how Bella reacted . She was actually fine . Her ears were in " Happy Cat " position , and there was no hissing or striking out . She looked interested , and he looked calm . He went to an empty spot on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and sat there for a long time , until after Ali and his girlfriend left . I was out late last night , not a good welcome for the new cat , but I attended a meeting at the ASPCA office in Manhattan . I thought it was worth going to , because the topic was Community Outreach and managing feral cat colonies . Not that I have one , except in my living room , but it was great to see all these interested people . Most were women , and nobody looked like a " crazy cat lady . " There was one man , pretty cute and about my age , in my row , but I didn 't speak to him . Belatedly it occurs to me this might be a place to meet someone special . Anyone who cares that much about animals must be OK . I was very impressed with the group and the presentation . They 're real Do - ers . And , pizza and beverages were served midway through . This morning was rough . Shadow 's running around like she 's had a shot of Red Bull . For some time now , her breathing has sounded bad . I called the vet this a . m . and also Friends of Animals to seePosted by It was another Squirt Bottle morning , vs . Shadow , after she tried to scratch Bella right in the face . She gets this nasty attitude , hissing and striking out for no reason I can see . I put food out for them and it must have touched off the jealousy fuse somehow , again . Shadow 's was in the kitchen , and Bella 's was in my room , as usual . It looked to me like they wanted to switch . Bella had not eaten anything in a while , so I tried to give her one of her appetite stimulant pills , but I couldn 't get her to take it . Later , she was in the kitchen nibbling dry kitten food . So that 's some relief . I have to go out for more food , for the cats and me . I spent some of my day off listening to my new Roseanne Cash album , " The List , " which seemed to relax the cats . Shadow is sleeping or at least reclining , on my bed , while Bella is hiding somewhere . I really should be cleaning , but I 've been on the Internet all day . Yesterday morning was much better . I woke up to bright sunshine and a gentle tapping of a paw on my left elbow , which was sort of hanging off the bed . Bella was on my other side , so I knew it wasn 't her , even thru the haze of sleep . The little feral initiating physical contact again ! Pleasant physical contact , tapping as if to wake me up . It was quite sweet . How can she be such a Dr . Jekyll and Mr . Hyde personality ? and when is that spaying certificate going to get here , so I can move on to the next phase of Shadow 's life ? Shadow discovered catnip this morning . She was scratching at the cardboard pad , which came infused with catnip , and is in a wooden frame . Wish I had a picture to post , but please imagine it . The scratching thing is in the hallway . She had flipped the cardboard part out of the wood frame , and it landed upside down . A pile of catnip fell on the floor . I picked some up and scattered it on the cardboard scratching pad , which I replaced in the frame , and left for work . The rest I left on the floor . Now I 'm at the office , imagining her stoned out of her mind . And Bella is missing all the fun , closed off in my room with her food , water and litter box , like a prisoner . Dog 's Best Friend told me it was okay to pick up the little cat the other day . He even said to keep doing it , so she gets used to it . Well , good . I will . Maybe it wasn 't a move too soon , after all . My intuition has to count for something . Shadow continues to rub against my ankles every morning and at other times , too . Last night she was purring , loudly , a real purr , as she continued physical contact . She looks at me more , too , I think . Eye contact has to be good , right ? She still bothers Bella , though . There was a spat in the middle of the night , and this morning , also last night when I got home . This a . m . I had to resort to the Squirt Bottle . Fed them separately , usual procedure now , and I closed the door so Bella could eat in peace . A few minutes later , I was at the computer when I heard Bella mewing to come out , so I opened the door . Now I 'm at the office , and I have to trust they are doing okay together . Made a mistake yesterday a . m . by picking up the little cat when she rubbed against my ankles . She squirmed desperately , so I put her back on the floor , and she ran as far from me as she could get . A move too soon , on my part . Still , at least now I know I can get a hold of her to take her to the vet for spaying , if that certificate ever arrives . And , she didn 't bite me or scratch , just wriggled . She is becoming tamer . I would love to pick her up and cuddle her , but not yet . I need a book on feral cat behavior and how to tame them . Can anyone recommend one ? We had a situation the other night . I went to the movies with my friend Shani , to see " Capitalism , " the Michael Moore film , and when I got home about midnight my downstairs neighbors met me at the door . They were upset , and understandably so , because water had leaked from my bathroom into their bathroom . That was Tuesday . I was up till 2 a . m . , watching movies & trying to calm down . Men from the co - op came on Wednesday , another day off for me , and took down my neighbors ' bathroom ceiling . They found the problem , and it wasn 't my fault . It was nobody 's fault , so the co - op had to take care of installing a new tub drain , and trap , or something . Turns out I share it also with my UPSTAIRS neighbor , and three people live in that apartment , vs . one in mine and two downstairs . I had to take the whole day off today for the plumbers . They came before 9 a . m . , as I was getting up . I was about to feed the cats , but the men started making a racket before either one could eat her breakfast . The kitties were freaked . Even Bella hid in the closet . The plumbers had a heavy - duty drill that broke thru my drain and even the tile floor . The one working downstairs was drilling , too . The whole floor was vibrating . The little cat disappeared early on , I think behind the couch . They were done about 11 , and it 's been nice and quiet since . Both cats are circling around , not fighing . Last night when I came home from an art gallery reception , it was pretty late , too , about 11 . Again , Bella was waiting by the door , so when I opened it , she ran out . I thought I saw Shadow , too , but you know how shadows are , you 're never quite sure what you see . Bella stands out , being mostly white , and she was on the lawn , eating grass , but there was no sign of the little one . I told Bella " In the house , " and in she went , as she does ( such a good girl ) . As she walked up the brick steps to the front door , the little dark one ran really fast , in the door and up my stairs , thus proving she had , indeed , been out . That 's amazing . I 've had to introduce the squirt bottle to Shadow . It 's really a plant mister , with a top that has two settings , mist and stream , like Windex . It contains plain water in a bulb - shaped blue plastic jar . The stream setting works better for my purposes . Shadow launched one of her attacks on Bella this morning , and I had the Squirt Bottle at the ready . I got her , and she ran under the crib , but I wanted her out of my room completely , so I got her again , in the side . Success ! She is the ultimate moving target , though . I am surprised I hit her at all . Bella long ago learned the purpose of the bottle , so if she is doing something bad , like biting the calves of my legs as I walk down the hall , on scratching on my wooden closet doors , I squirt her . Usually she runs away at the mere sight of it . Also , if I say , " I 'm going to get the squirt bottle , " and open the linen closet door , she stops and regards me with extra - huge green eyes . She knows . Usually , with Bella , I don 't need to use it more than once or twice a year , but now it 's on my dresser , like a small blue sentinel . It 's a week since my last post , and things are going well . I got an envelope from Friends of Animals , but it contained their magazine , not the the spay certificate as I hoped . Now Shadow is looking suspiciously fat . I hope she 's not pregnant . It could have happened while she was still in Ali 's neighborhood , I suppose . Maybe she 's just growing . Last week was pleasant enough . No fights of any magnitude . Thursday night I did laundry , and in bringing it inside , I left the door open . Bella walked almost out , and Shadow followed . I was like , uh oh , she 's gonna run away and I won 't be able to get her back . But , I called Bella . Bella turned on the threshold and came in , Shadow following . Whew ! I had Thursday , Friday , Saturday and Sunday ( yesterday ) off , for a trip to see my daughter , and , as it turned out , my sister , tamer of feral cats . She gave me a laser light pet toy . My neighbor Marta had agreed to feed them while I was gone . I warned her not to try to touch the little one , and everything went fine , apparently . I called her the first night , feeling as I had when my kids were little and I called the sitter to check on them . " I saw the little cat , " Marta reported . That was better than I expected . I thought Shadow would hide when someone new came in . Got home in the late afternoon yesterday . Bella was the first one I saw , at the top of the stairs as usual . We touched noses , our homecoming ritual . I fed them both , and there was a little chasing , but no fighting . At one point , both cats were lounging on my bed . Bella slept with me all night , purring and kneading her paws on my side as she often does . I left my door open , but no little cat invasions . It was peaceful . This morning , Shadow kept rubbing up against my legs , even though I had just put food down for her . She was not saying ' I 'm hungry ; ' it meant something else . Dare I hope she was telling me she missed me ? She sat on the foot of my bed while I was listening to WNYC and sipping coffee for 15 minutes or so . She looked so relaxed , and I felt flattered . She 's been wiPosted by Shadow wouldn 't go into the carrier , even though she hadn 't eaten all day and I put a saucer of freshly opened canned food inside . But guess who did : Bella ! It was the funniest thing , to see the big white cat slowly and suspiciously walk in . Usually she hates the carrier , and , when I first got it out , she ran into the little crack in the couch where Shadow used to hide . Then she came out and walked around the crate , sniffing the food inside . I was watching TV , unconcerned about who went in , but thinking if Shadow did take the bait , I 'd take her to the expensive vet , just to get the spaying over with . Bella nibbled a bit , came out , sat on my lap , I petted and praised her , she got back down and went into the carrier again , and ate some more . " Looks like you found a safe place to eat where nobody will bother you , " I said . Shadow has an appointment at the vets ' tonight , but it remains to be seen if we will get there . If she goes into the carrier , I will take it as a sign , and bring her in . If not , I 'll get the spay / neuter certificate from Friends of Animals ( $ 65 for a female cat ) . There 's a vet near me who participates in the program , only charging $ 35extra for pain meds when she goes home . They do ferals on Thursday , not handy for me this week , and the girl at the vet 's office warned me the certificate takes a long time to come in the mail . And don 't ask me how I would give her pain meds . My vet does not participate in the program , and for two nights ' boarding , plus surgery and everything else , they will charge $ 345 . It 's a big difference . If anybody wants to check the FoA , it 's http : / / www . friendsofanimals . orgThe kitty is still wild , but funny . This morning I heard her scratching at something that turned out to be my rubber rainboots , the stretchy part on the side . No damage . She rubbed against my ankles in the kitchen again . Oh , my neighbor agreed to feed them while I am away this weekend . I warned her about the feral , but I am sure Shadow will hide when she sees Marta . Hope she doesn 't bite her , like one of my sister 's cats did when a neighbor came in to feed him . His name was Buster , and Kitty always described him as a " barn cat . " Kitty 's neighbor had to go to the hospital , and Kitty paid the bill . I really hope that doesn 't happen this weekend ! Barn cats generally have no manners . In a house , they don 't know how to behave , jumping up on tables and stuff . However , some cats raised in a barn have an innate sense of how to act in a home . I am pretty sure Shadow is a barn cat . She did jump on my desk , as I could tell the next day when I saw papers and my glasses on the floor . This morning she ran around my apartment with so much energy , I wished I could let her out to run and climb trees . Our barn cats used to climb ladders to get to the hay mow . They really had the life . Worked with Ali today , and his next - door neighbor was our minor . They knew Shadow months ago , of course , since Ali and his father saved her . Ali drove me home , and I asked them in to see Shadow and Bella . What a nice visit ! Shadow was stretched out on the couch , although she hid when she saw them . Bella had been in my room , and she came out when she heard us . She turned on the charm , and I was so proud of her . We played with the Cat Dancer toy a little , I knowing she was thinking , You faker ! You never play with me unless we have company . Unfortunately , this is true . After they left , I fed her - - in the kitchen , hurray - - then watched the last of Penn State 's victorious Homecoming game , reheated the ratatouille from last night , then watched " Sex and the City " episodes with Bella on my lap . She felt very relaxed , which made me happy . It 's 9 : 15 on Saturday morning , and I am at work , waiting for our daily assignments . " Dog 's Best Friend , " an obvious pseudonym for the guy who sits next to me , is an expert on animal behavior . He 's had Dobermans , Rotties and now a single pit bull , whom I 've met . She seems very sweet . I love to talk to him about animals . I told him about the two cats lying peacefully on my bed last night . He was pleased , but not particularly surprised . I told him Bella had the position of superiority , up by the pillows , while Shadow was more toward the foot . He figured as much , but said something I 'd been thinking , too . As she grows bigger and more sure of herself , she is going to try to become the alpha cat . Then I 'll see either fur flying or Bella giving in . This morning it was more of the former . Lots of running and chasing , and me trying to figure out where to put the cats , where to put their food . I think they put on an act for me , hoping I 'll stay home to referee . They are just going to have to work it out , or else . As the vet tech said when he handed me Bella 's carrier after her anorexic episode , " Deal with it , Bella . " I think Shadow has done Bella and me a lot of good . For me , she brings back memories of the farm . This morning in the kitchen , she rubbed against my ankles again . It 's becoming a regular thing . She only does this in the kitchen , where the food comes from , but she 'll do it when the food is elsewhere , as it was today - - hers in the living room , Bella 's in my room . I was barefoot as usual . I 'm not afraid of her , and she knows it . I heard something like purring , but , as I told my co - worker , not real cozy , relaxed purring , but sort of a frantic purring , purring that was asking for something . All of a sudden I remembered the cats at the barn doing the same thing . They were pretty wild , too . My sisters and I were told not to pick them up , and with a few exceptions , we obeyed . It was my grandparents ' farm , but my uncle Donald did most of the outdoor work . My grandmother did not allow animals in the house , but she made excePosted by Who knew ? Maybe Shadow and Bella knew , for they have been very good since a bad spat this morning , as I was getting ready for work . I took an emergency annual leave day , because I thought " I 've got to get a plan going " for the feral . I was a little panicked last night when my daughter called the situation " untenable . " It kind of is , but you should have seen them today . They love it when I 'm home . The little one enjoys music . She lay on the couch like a regular cat , a first . While I was going through my piles of mail , I played old CDs . She 's a folk cat , I thought , remembering Phoebe , a tiger striped cat we had in the 1970s , who especially loved Joni Mitchell . I was home all of today , except for going to Rite Aid to get a flu shot . It was nasty out , cold and rainy . A good day to be indoors . Lucky little feral . It 's really Ali she has to thank . I called my vets ' office again , to see if I could cancel Shadow 's Tuesday appointment for spaying , in case I found a cheaper place . They all seemed like a hassle , though , and Bideawee wasn 't much less than the price my vet quoted . The woman I talked to at Bideawee told me Shadow has bonded to me ! Can you imagine ? I told her S . was lying at the top of the stairs for a long time , and then on the couch . Oh , the other night she greeted me at the top of the stairs , but that was only because Bella was confined to my room . I 've gone in my room twice in the last hour , and both cats were lying quietly on my bed , an unimaginable first . Celebrating National Feral Cat Day , no doubt . One one of the Websites , I found out today is National Feral Cat Day . On another , Friends of Animals , I learned that Priscilla Feral is the president of that organization . It has spay certificates that may be purchased online , and certain vets honor them with a discount . But not mine , I found out when I called . They are already offering a 10 % discount for any services to strays . The Mayor 's Alliance has a Feral Cat Initiative , and a beautiful , rich Web site . Maybe I 'll vote for Bloomberg after all . I did not cancelPosted by It 's been more than a week since I wrote here . Things are pretty much status quo . Some nights we play musical feeding dishes . One night , I made no effort at all to feed either of them ; just sat on the couch watching TV while the two cats roamed around , munching dry food . There was no hissing , no fighting . Another night , I put on gardening gloves to protect my hands , just in case I had to pick up a certain kittycat . The day I took Shadow to the vet , which was Sept . 15 ( hey , a month ago ) , she scratched my finger as I tried to grab her out from under the heat register in the bathroom . I put hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin on it right away , and a Band Aid , but sitting in the vets ' waiting room several hours later , I noticed it was really sore . This evolved into a visit two days later to my doctor , who told me to always see an M . D . when a cat scratches you . She said it was infected , and I must soak it in Betadine solution for 20 minutes , several times a day . Bacitracin is preferred over Neosporin , she said , so the cut stays open to let it drain , if it needs to drain . OK , that was taken care of without need of antibiotic . When I got to my doctor 's office , her assistant volunteered her opinion of my feral cat : Have her euthanized . I was pretty shocked , and , no , I am not planning to kill her . The other night Shadow got me on the side of one toe ! It wasn 't her fault . I unintentionally sneaked up on her when she was eating in the kitchen , she sensed or heard me coming ( I was wearing rubber flip - flops , pretty quiet , if you ask me , but she has really good hearing . ) She did a panicked run , her claws scrabbling on the tiles . For a second I thought she was going to run between my feet , but one nail grazed a toe on my left foot . It hurt a little bit yesterday , so this a . m . I poured some peroxide on it . It foamed up , so , I guess there were some germs , but nowhere near as many as she had a month ago . I so admire the little feral . One morning I was in a hurry to leave for work , but had to move my son 's girlfriend 's car for alternate sidPosted by Got home about an hour ago , having stopped to get Fancy Feast on the way . My house was dark and cold ; the wind was blowing pretty hard all day and I left the windows open . So , I closed windows , turned on lights , and opened cat food cans . The little one was in the living room , and Bella was in my room , where I had left her all day with a light on . I could see her shadow under the door , so I opened it , out she came like she had missed out on all the action all day . Feeding them was interesting . It 's after cat - dinner now , and Bella 's back in my room , and yowling . She wants to come out . They seem to enjoy fighting , but I hate it . " Can 't we all just get along ? " I asked them . Bella ran down the stairs , followed more slowly by Shadow . It may have been her first time on the stairs . Nothing much happened . Shadow came back up , then disappeared into the closet . I gave Bella her food in her old spot in the kitchen , while Shadow stationed herself under the rocking chair , where she has a good view of the kitchen , living room , hallway , and anything that moves in between . Holding Shadow 's food , I wondered where to put it . I took it over by the couch , where she ate for the first week that she was out of the bathroom / prison . Not interested . Meanwhile , Bella was eating well in the kitchen . No more mime of covering food with litter . Of course Shadow stalked her and chased her out of there . Bella ran into my room , so I brought the rest of her dinner there , too . God , this must be really boring to you readers . I moved Shadow 's food to under the dining room table , and I see that the saucer has been licked clean . I knew this conflict would happen , as soon as I found out the little feral was a female . Bella 's trying to defend her turf , and Shadow is challenging her . Shadow goes after her with such vigor , speed and athleticism , I have to admire her . Bella 's built for comfort , not for speed . And , she 's a lot older . One of the vets in the group I go to told me the first time I brought Shadow in that keeping her would shorten Bella 's life , because oPosted by I was off yesterday , thank goodness . Got home late , due to a union meeting after work . We had the usual upsetment over feeding dinner , so I gave Bella hers in my room . She does this scratching thing , as if dinner is shit , and she 's trying to cover it with sand . It 's very insulting to me , as I tried hard to give her a nice meal . ( It was canned chicken cat food , with real cooked chicken from the fridge mixed in , and a little mashed sweet potato , too . ) The little one ate hers up . I got up early yesterday morning ' cause the cable guy was coming to disconnect my cable box , which he did , at 8 a . m . Too expensive , especially with all these vet fees . I made myself bacon and pancakes , with coffee , fed the cats , cleaned their boxes , looked around my living room at the piles of unopened mail , and went back to bed . Slept till noon . I 'd closed the door , and Bella was snuggled up against me looking so calm , it was wonderful . Then I noticed what I thought was a cut on her leg . It 's actually a pink spot , where her white fur was removed , but the skin is not broken . I wonder who could have done that ? Poor Bella . She is really getting the worst of it . I can 't believe how feisty this new cat is . Again this morning , she rubbed up against my legs in the kitchen . It 's becoming a regular thing . She has such potential ! I 'm getting messages on Facebook , from three friends , to the effect that they bet I 'll keep the little feral . " You 're an old softie , " one of them said . I am meeting my friend Shani later at a bar on the Bowery , for a beauty sample event , of all things , so I will get home late again tonight . And tomorrow I am not off , after all , but doing overtime . Looking forward to Monday , the Columbus Day holiday , and Tuesday , my regular day off . That 'll be nice . My tame domesticated cat , who sleeps with me at night , is anti - social . My new wild cat is more social . I find this really hard to accept , or do anything about . Where is the Pet Psychic ? She used to write a column in The Jersey Journal ; I 'll have to try to find her . But she was all about Bach flower essences , which are expensive . Heck , it might be worth it to see those two kitties eating out of the same dish . That 's all that the little feral wants . ( Her name is Shadow now . Cinderella was too ridiculous . ) I feel quite sorry for her , as she peers around a corner at me with her big green eyes when I stand in the kitchen . Did I tell you that the other day she bestowed upon me her first voluntary touch ? I was in the kitchen , opening cans of cat food , when Shadow walked up to me and rubbed around my ankles . I was pretty thrilled . She hasn 't been with me even a month yet . Maybe she 's not as wild as I thought . Ali tells me that mealtime was also playtime for the cats , when they lived in his backyard . They crowded around him to the point that he had to push them out of the way of the dish , a big aluminum pan . The cats would push each other , too , and then play - fighting would ensue . No wonder Shadow misses that interaction . She 's lonely . Maybe I should adopt a kitten she can play with . Bella is a lost cause , but I still feel loyal to her . Bella must keep eating , but if I feed her in her usual spot , the little one tries to join her , and there is hissing and bad feelings . It 's going to stress Bella out , and I don 't want her to land at the vet 's again . So now I feed her in my room . At least she eats . This morning I heard crunching coming from the kitchen . I put the dry food dispenser back on the floor , and what do you know , Shadow was eating a piece . Her mouth must have healed . I can 't wait to be off tomorrow , to spend the day with them and see what happens . Bella came home last night . The vet gave her an appetite stimulant , among other things , and said she is fine . I just have to make sure she keeps eating and drinking , duh . I paid $ 500 for this advice , which I knew already . I don 't mean to sound so grouchy about it . They did do a lot of other stuff to check on her , and of course I am grateful that she is OK . The vet even deducted the cost of one of the X - rays ( $ 125 ) , which was considerate . When I brought her home , I put Bella in my room and closed the door , but she wanted out . When I let her out , the little cat was the boldest she has been so far , meowing as if to greet my older cat . I think Cinderella missed her ! She is social ! What a surprise . My grandparents had a dairy farm in Hope , N . J . , a pretty little town with many stone buildings dating back to the 1700s . It was founded as a Moravian community . My friend Lin lives there , and she looms large in my hopes to find a better home for Cinderella , who is mis - named , by the way . If anyone ever starts following this blog , please send me some ideas for a better name . Anyway , several years ago Lin and I went to Hope 's annual holiday craft fair , where I bought four wooden blocks , shaped and painted to represent various buildings in the town . One is the arched stone bridge , another the distillery , the Christian church that became a community center in my childhood , and the little red toll house that stands at the upper end of the bridge . There use to be a one - cent charge per cow driven over the bridge . Anyway , I was checking Cindy 's litter pan and found the old stone bridge face - down in it . I was horrified , but no damage was done , it 's easily cleaned . I put them all up higher on the window sill , a safer place . Through the evening I heard her playing with the dangling cords to the shades , so I put them up , too . Bella used to do that when I first got her . I remembered a story my grandmother in Hope told me about her mother . When she was a young girl , she went to a county fair . She had 25 cents to spend for the whole day . She waPosted by Just got home from work , a moonlighting job , which happens very rarely . I was thrilled to see that the little feral had eaten the raw chicken liver I left in the kitchen for her . It 's the first time that I know of that she has eaten in the kitchen ; I always put her food at the end of the couch because that 's where she lives , behind it . And Bella eats in the kitchen . I 'm sure she thinks it 's her place . Bella is better . The vet 's office called while I was at my other job to say I could pick her up , but it will have to wait till tomorrow . Glad to hear she is better , and wondering what it will take to keep her healthy . Bella would never in a million years have eaten raw liver . I was glad to see the little cat did , because it tells me she has her instinct for raw food . I could also see that she had dragged it off the saucer , by the bloody marks on the floor ( which I promptly cleaned ) . I hope this means the sores in her mouth have healed somewhat , and I also feel more optimistic that she could live outdoors , if she had to . I have not yet told you what I named the cat . When I took her to the vet , they asked me her name , and if I wanted to list her as " stray . " No , she was now living with me , so she 's no longer a stray . I called her Cinderella , because of her dark color and because of her deprived early life . I pictured the irresistible ad I would write seeking a new home - - Cinderella is waiting for her prince , or something . She doesn 't seem so much like a Cinderella now ; she seems more like a Spooky or Dark Shadow . She darts around like a rat , if I may say such an awful thing . Often I see only her tail disappearing into the crack between two sections of couch . I wish I 'd started writing this log earlier . Cinderella has been with me since Sept . 13 , about two and a half weeks . There is so much to catch up on , like her visit to the vet . The vet found her negative for FIV and leukemia , excellent news , but when he examined her , he told me her mouth was very badly injured , from ingesting a toxic substance , like antifreeze . Feed hePosted by Last night when I came home from work , Bella was not waiting for me at the top of the stairs as usual . I couldn 't find her anywhere . I called her name , again and again , but she didn 't come out . My apartment is not large , but there are plenty of places for a cat to hide . I decided to eat dinner . This was around 6 : 00 pm , and she didn 't come out ( from the closet ) until 9 : 15 . She looked all right , not limping or injured in any apparent way , but she hadn 't eaten her canned food all day . The last I saw of her yesterday morning , the little feral was chasing her . It didn 't make me happy , but I know Bella has done the same , so I wasn 't particularly worried . Now I was . Bella spent all night in my room , on the floor behind the bed , and wouldn 't come to me when I called her . That 's very unusual . This morning , she was still hiding but at least I could see her . She felt limp when I picked her up . I brought her food into my room , but she wasn 't interested . Of course , I had the day off so it would be another day off spent at the vet . To my surprise , I was able to get her right into the carrier , called for an appointment , and off we went . The vet is very kind , and he explained the right thing to do was check her blood and X - ray her . But that 's expensive . Still , I wanted to know what was wrong . She had been to the vet twice before this year , for dehydration . A saline injection fixed her up , both times . But we want to know what 's causing it . I blame myself , for bringing in a new cat that I know caused her stress . But the vet said she might have gotten this condition anyway . What he found in the X - ray was disturbing - - her whole stomach and intestines were filled with air . " Can 't she just fart ? " I asked him . He said no . She might have to be force - fed , and all this other stuff . When I had my C - sections , I had gas , but they made me walk around till it passed . I guess this is different . She might have pancreatitis , and that would be very serious . Her condition is serious , as it is . I 'm going to call the vet in a little while . Hello out there . . . I adopted a young cat this month , the next - to - last survivor of a bunch of strays my friend Ali fed all summer . This isn 't the cat I meant to get : those were two matching kittens , and both died of antifreeze poisoning , administered , we think , by one of Ali 's neighbors . Some of them had complained about the cats hanging around . I knew the cats were strays , but when I saw them one day in August , they looked completely tame , relaxing on Ali 's patio , some in the shade , some playing in the sun . There were eight or nine of them . He fed them a mixture of Cadillac canned food and rice . I went there to bring the two youngest ones home and have them checked out by the vet , and hoping to find homes for them . But when Ali 's father picked one up and dropped him in Ali 's old rabbit cage , he ran around in circles like a mad thing , then poked his head through a loose place in the cage , quickly squeezed through , and took off . I had my cat carrier with me , so I left it there , asking Ali to call me if and when he caught the kittens . Ali called me on Friday , Sept . 10 , to tell me one of the kittens was dead and the other was paralyzed , still breathing , eyes open , " but he can 't move . " He wanted advice . I could give him none , except to take the cat to a vet , but we both thought it was too late . We didn 't know if they had gotten sick or what . Both had come to his back steps , seeking help from the only humans they knew and trusted . By Sunday night , Ali 's father had caught a dark calico . I got the call , and went to get her . Ali had said she was banging around inside the the carrier , trying to get out , but by the time I got there , she was just lying on the carpet padding looking calm as could be . Ali had gone out for the evening , and his father handed me the cat carrier . As he did so , he told me she had never been touched , as far as he knew . As in , by a human . He got her into the carrier by putting a paper plate of food in it ; she walked in , and he shut the door . I wanted to say , Forget it ! I can 't take a feral cat home . But , Posted by In the photo , that 's me on the far left . With me are my close girlfriends from college , except Kathy , who took the picture . We met in Chicago on Memorial Day weekend , and we 're all graduates of the University of Dayton . |
I promised I would try to have some nicer , " feel good " kind of dating stories . I ran out of in - person dates because I 've spent lots of time flushing them out and there wasn 't many men worth meeting . I had also promised myself I would be making the first move more often which is really out of my comfort zone . I tried a few things like emailing one guy , telling him what a great smile I thought he had . He didn 't bother answering me back . One guy said he didn 't like fat chicks and yet another said all my picture showed him was one watery eye and no tits and ass . So he could care less unless I could meet him at his car in an hour . One day , he appeared at the top of my chemistry list . The number one spot . I thought I should really let him know just in case he had no idea that the dating site of all dating sites deemed us to be chemically matched . Not imbalanced at all . So I emailed him . ( later ) Me : I 'm so sorry , I 've made a terrible mistake . It 's . 23702 . But still the number one position . Slowly we built up a friendship , with the anticipation of a first meeting soon . I really didn 't believe it ; if you could have seen this guy ! I knew I would never meet or be with a guy like this , no matter what he was telling me . His life had been filled with slim women with jobs and careers not a pudgy on pogey . Besides , I could never keep up to him . It didn 't matter to me as it was so much fun and not to mention a real boost to my much bruised ego . He was never inappropriate , just a flirt . We finally moved from emails to chatting . It was obvious from my screen that he was waiting for me each evening . Hours and hours and pages and pages of emails and chatting . We eventually exchanged private email addresses and set up msn messenger . This is usually the last step before meeting someone . How ? Well there I was in the living room of my home on the computer with this guy and waiting for his msn to load . I was so happy ! Then my son plunked his 26 - year - old self beside me and started reading some of what we were typing . He asked me about the guy I was talking to and what did I know about him . I actually knew lots about him ; name , work location , etc . Jay is not one to be soft - spoken or diplomatic . His yelling at me brought out my daughter , wondering what was wrong . Turns out that my Bald God worked at the same place where my son 's dad works part - time and its also the school where my daughter was fairly sure she was going to take a course next year . So there they were ; yelling at me in stereo , and my sexy , bald man typing away frantically to find out what was going on . I finally , among shrieks from my offspring , told him the story . He wanted to know who my son 's dad is . Despite my kid and his bellowing at me not to tell him , I told him who it was and how we 've been divorced for 25 years . His only reply was not to worry and he wouldn 't say a word . I apologized over and over and let him go so I could do damage control . My adventures in bad online dating haven 't been limited to the men I 've met in person . No , no . Remember I mentioned the chat option in one of the previous entries ? This feature is an effective way to flush out the ones who really should go down the toilet . I learned that there are guys out there that hide their profile from everyone else ; in other words they can see you but you can 't see them . I know this because many times guys ask to chat and when I go to find them in the " Online Now " window , they aren 't there . You can , however , still check out their profile . You can never see when they are online though unless you and he happen to exchange emails on the site . Another advantage for this sort of sneaky behaviour is to bypass any parameters you may have set in your email options . My parameters give a lot of restrictions so it 's not so easy to send me an email first . Once I send the guy an email then the parameters are off . This resorts to some people to try to chat with me . If they don 't have a picture , I tell them to email it to me on the site . Believe me , the majority don 't because they can 't get through . Some use really lame excuses about why they can 't upload it onto my email on the site but , hey there sweetness , I can send it to your private email no problem . I only allowed that to happen twice . The first guy was fine and it was no problem . He was a nice guy with whom I became friends with , never meeting each other in person . He 's a man with many problems and difficulties in his life and appreciates the fact that I am not going to fix him . The second guy caused me so much grief in a 48 hour period . He wanted to chat and I said it wasn 't fair unless I knew who I was talking to . I always want more than one picture just so I can see the guy has more than one picture of himself and not of a model on Google . So the odds would be that he was more real than not . It 's not foolproof but it 's better than what the site offers . So yadda , yadda he didn 't know how to upload the pictures to the dating site and asked for my email . I checked his profile . I gave it to him and he gave me his . We chatted for a few more minutes and I thought I would just clarify something in his profile with him and went to click on it again . It was gone . So was he . I frantically tried to find him , remembering his profile name . Nothing . Hello dear friend how are you doing . ? Hope everything is going on well with you , I am Maxwell from blahblah . com hope you remember right . I am just trying to see if the email address you gave me is working so please drop me a line as soon as you receive this message okay . Bye for now and please take good care of yourself . . I didn 't sleep that night at all , barricaded the door , watching out the windows . Full paranoia mode had hit me . I knew this was happening but there was nothing I could do . I got my daughter up for school as soon as I saw her moving , wanting like mad to get her out of the apartment . I went back home and walked around and around the apartment . I debated calling the police . Nothing had happened so I knew they could do nothing . Soon it was time for me to pick up my girl . I kept us out of the apartment for as long as I could . She became suspicious and asked me what was wrong . I just said I was creeped out . I wanted Carly to stay at a friend 's place that night . She agreed , but not after feeling creeped out herself . I couldn 't tell her what happened . I didn 't want to go home . I knew he would be waiting for us . We got to the apartment and I made her stay away from the door while I went in first to check it out . She was really becoming alarmed . She kept asking me what happened . I just told her it was part of my illness and it will pass . I would feel better with her staying at her friend 's place for tonight . She packed her bag and I took her to a safer place ; at least to me it was safer . I finally fell asleep from exhaustion . I slept for hours and hours . When I woke up I felt better . I went to the computer planning to do the whole search thing and agonized over my mistake again . Hello Marie how are you doing this morning . ? Hope everything is well with you , sorry for not answering your message earlier ok i also can 't find my profile too and very surprise i think there was a technical problem . . Please send me a message and ask me anything that you want to know about me and i will tell you ok . This is my picture and i hope it 's not going to scare you away ( smiling ) . . Bye for now and have a nice day . . Saying he tried to find his profile was the kicker . You can 't find a profile unless you already have one . The email had 3 pictures attached . Needless to say I did NOT open them nor did I reply . I systematically blocked him and reported him as a scam to my Hotmail account . There was nothing I could do on the dating site as he deleted everything he had on it . This won 't stop him from opening other accounts on the same site . Maybe he didn 't mean to be malicious . I felt vulnerable enough , though , to have a full - fledged paranoid episode which only happened to me one other time in my life . Believe me , they are beyond anxiety . So that ended better than better . I never gave my email out again . So , if my readers are on the dating sites please remember this safety tip ; don 't give your personal email address to anyone until your third date or you 're getting married or something . I do have some nice stories to tell and I think I will tell you one in my next installment . So please stay tuned . For some of you ? Please don 't read it while walking . I 've had good feedback for the first installment of my online dating experiences . There were a few private messages concerning my conduct and how I should be more careful . I totally agree with my friends about that . Never , never should I have had someone pick me up at my home . Never ever should I give out my phone number so fast . Never , ever , NEVER get into a stranger 's van no matter how much I think I can take him . I really did learn my lessons and haven 't done it again . Lucky for me , there was no harm done and I won 't risk a next time . So let 's talk about Bobby ; a piece of work for sure . Again , a man who 's older than I ; 62 to my 50 . Charming on the phone and online . Musician , articulate , educated . He had an incredible speaking voice . We talked for at least a week before I agreed to meet him . There must have been warning signals that I missed or ignored . I met him at the casino where we were going to have tea at the restaurant . I made it first and sat down in the lobby to wait for him . A nice looking man came up to me and , after saying my name , held out his hand for me to take . His hair was dyed jet black and he was balding on top , confirming my original suspicion that the picture he sent me was more than 10 years old . We walked into the restaurant already laughing with each other and happy to finally meet in person . That lasted 2 minutes . We approached the hostess . Bobby explained , rather loudly and in an almost threatening voice he wanted a quiet table as he was fixing to seduce his woman . Uh oh . The other waitresses thought he was charming and giggled at him while the hostess looked for just the right table while he nattered about seclusion and time alone . She seemed to have spotted one and led us to it . Right away Bobby didn 't like it . He felt it was in a potentially busy area . He kept complaining about the table especially when a group sat down at a booth 2 tables away . He was so angry and wanted to leave the place altogether . I wouldn 't go though . He demanded the waiter move us to a better table . He gave the poor guy so much flack . He pointed out several areas to Bobby . None would work for him . It was all a conspiracy of some kind . At this point I was dying inside . I haven 't even had any tea yet ! The waiter finally let Bobby decide where to sit . He looked carefully around the restaurant and chose one in an area that looked closed off . Again they bickered . Finally , the manager came over and said to just go ahead and sit there . Behind Bobby 's back , the manager gave me a very solemn nod . I knew he was keeping his eye on Bobby . Our tea finally arrived . I was not impressed by how badly he treated everyone ; how loud and belligerent he was when he didn 't get his way . More than one person there rolled their eyes and ground their teeth . I couldn 't wait for this to end . I asked him questions about his kids who were all grown and about his grandkids . It was easy to tell he did not want to talk about them . Meanwhile , he wanted to know all about my illness and what some of the symptoms were . His feet , sans shoes , ran up and down my legs . He complained endlessly about the people around us , convinced they were hovering just to listen to our conversation . I explained to him that he parked us on the other side of the half - wall where the buffet was . He also suspected that the waitresses , who were busing tables near us , were only doing so to listen in and spy on us . He gave anyone who passed within 12 feet of our table the evil eye and I think he even growled once or twice . I know he did shout at someone to mind their own business and move along . After barely an hour , I explained I had to go cook supper for my family and thank you for the lovely time . He wanted me to pay for the tea but ended up doing it himself . He started walking with me to the door of the casino . I told him it was only 5 : 00 and I could find my car fine . He insisted he wanted to make sure I got there safely ( ha ! ) and he wanted to spend some more time with me . On the way to my car he asked if he could call me for a second date . I hemmed and hawed a bit and said sure , thinking I would just turn him down when he called . I didn 't want to see what happened to him if he was rejected in public . As we walked , he yelled at cars to get out of our way , made rude noises at people and generally was a humongous embarrassment . He held fast to my hand and literally steered me everywhere . I finally found my car while fending off his questions of what was the biggest penis I ever saw , how many times have I had an orgasm and do I really have a 6 date rule . At my car I thought to dump my purse in the car right away , figuring I would need both arms to defend myself . I hung on to my keys though . Bobby tenderly asked me if he could have a hug . I said sure and gave him a very sisterly hug . As I pulled away and started to say goodbye there was his tongue straight down my throat without any preliminaries whatsoever . He slammed me up against my car with his hands on my backside , grinding against me . I fought him off pretty easily . He finally let go of my teeth long enough for me to say " noseconddatenotonyourlife " at which point there was his tongue again . I just couldn 't believe it . I finally got him off me and far enough away for me to get into my car and lock it . He was knocking on the window , grinning and concerned at the same time . " Can I call you tonight ? I 'd like us to do something tonight . I really like you Marie . C ' mon ! " No I didn 't hear from him again and I 'm so grateful . I decided then and there that I 'm going to be the one to seek out someone next time instead of me being " selected " . It 's funny too , how I always thought I liked it when somebody picked me first . My sister and I went for our walk tonight . She wanted the details of my dating experiences I 've had so far with an on - line dating service . It was good to tell her about my week ; I finally could see the humour in it . Including the guy who posts a picture of himself 200 pounds ago . Now I knew how big he was before we met so it wasn 't really a surprise . What surprised me was how much of a predator he was , how full of himself , and pompous . It was all about the hunt . Mr . Octopus by the third date . He had stuffed animal - toys in his house and they all had names and different voices . Kinda creepy . He tried to change my diet Pepsi habit , my salt intake and what I listen to before I go to sleep at night . When I sort of broke it off after a date of more fighting him off , saying we could just start over and take our time more , he decided he wasn 't physically attracted to me . No problem . and Whew ! Then I talked to a guy on - line for a few days . He sent me a picture ; it was pretty good but I didn 't believe it was really him . The guy said he won 't post his picture on the dating site because then he gets bombarded with too many unwantables . Apparently , I was a wantable . We switched over to a better chat host and he sent me another picture . This one took my breath away . He was absolutely gorgeous to look at . Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt . I kid you not . I was amazed I had this guys attention . So amazed , in fact , that I missed a few key clues along the way to his personality . But I did catch on in time that he was psycho . The night before we were going to meet for the first time , he decided for some reason , to bring up porn . He asked me if I liked porn . I said no . He asked why . I told him why . He flipped out . He wrote in all caps ( screaming ) that I was a victim lover and help make society restrictive and unbearable to live in . He called me names . Really bad names . But none that I hadn 't heard before . More recently , I found a fellow on the site , who said he had a rare form of arthritis . I wrote to him to ask him what kind it was . He answered back and we tried to chat . I gave him my phone number so he wouldn 't have to type so much with one finger . We had such a nice time on the phone I agreed to meet him the next day . Turned out he lived a block or so away from me . Because of his age ( 60 to my 50 ) , my safeguards ( name , address and phone number to my kids ) he picked me up at my place . Well I was waiting at the agreed upon time when he called to say he would be late by 20 minutes . Okay with me . I tried to do something better with my hair . I went out front of the building to wait for him . Along comes this van , hurtling itself around the corner to my street , screeching to a halt , backing up to turn around , narrowly missing a parked car . He sped up to the door , almost resting on the boulevard . I opened the door and there was this smiling , very wrinkled face looking back at me . He was practically bouncing up in his seat . He kept saying " Oh wow , you 're real . Wow what a woman " and checking out every inch of me . He continued to do this as we were driving , swerving into the other lane jumping the curb once . I made him stop the van for a moment so he could collect himself . He turned on all the lights in the van so he could show me his deformities . They were absolutely severe . That wasn 't the problem though . We got to the pancake house where George announced to everyone that this was our first date . Everyone made a fuss over us and led us to a quiet table . I had tea and he had coffee . Not 5 minutes into the conversation , he suddenly stopped talking about his deformities for the fourth time and asked me what my favourite sexual position was . He really did . I didn 't tell him , of course , but did tell him how offensive that was . He was so sorry but asked again in a different way a few minutes later . The waitress kept coming over , cooing how cute we were and looking at me like I must be some kind of saint . George came back to the table excitedly shouting to the waitress to please save him , bring more coffee . I sank lower in the booth . He sat down and started rubbing his leg up against mine . I told him not to do that . He said it was an accident . I kept checking my phone . He kept rubbing my leg and making these grunting noises . I finally told George that my daughter has to be picked up shortly . He said he would love to come with me , with a leer on his face and his tongue sticking out from between his missing teeth . We finally got back in the van and were heading back to my place . I know I was quiet and it was mostly because I was trying not to throw up . With him drinking the coffee along whatever other smell he had on I was having a hard time not being sick . I don 't mean to be disrespectful about this or his deformities . It was so bad and too much for me . We pulled up to the front of my building , almost hitting the same car . He put the van in P and flung off his seat belt and held open his arms and said , " c ' mere " . Oh Jeez . I opened my door , saying I had to run or be late getting my kid . I nearly ran up the steps . The next guy is a whole post on his own . So this will be at least a 2 parter if not a series . Stay tuned . It does get better . I 'm not even going to pretend to know what these guys are thinking . This has been a whole different world for me . When I met my last fella on the same site he was the second guy I met . It 's not so simple now . I know I was in the depths of despair not long ago and rallied somewhat . Then I couldn 't seem to write a word . Now I can . I last posted a beautiful photograph I found on Stumbleupon . Before that and ever since I have been searching for beauty and , hopefully , finding strength in it . In order to do that I had to find beauty / strength from within . I never really knew how that worked . How can one find , among this jumbled , cock - eyed mess that is my head , find beauty ? It turned out to be kind of easy . Because I 'm no longer working I have time . So I 've taken it . I 've had naps which I know are not allowed . This deep restful sleep has made me see things in my head I never knew was there . The bad part is , I would wake up rested ( good ) , drive my daughter to school and / or volleyball practice then come home again only to feel the force of my head wanting to hit my pillow ( bad ) , with my mask over my nose . I promise you , my eyes were so heavy there was no way I could refuse this absurd seduction . When I grew stronger and I had to go out , I would make a point of noticing things . Well , people mostly . What they wore , how they carried themselves and how I could see them . I learned a lot . Mostly that whatever I was wearing made me look like a person with a mental illness . So I started to notice what I was wearing and how I was carrying myself . My strength was palpable within a week . Maybe not as noticeable to most folk but I felt every . little . step . forward . I bought food that made sense so Carly could have lunches for school . I drove without as many people honking at me . I smelled every wonderful smell and also the horrible smell of slaughter when the wind was wrong ; i . e . coming my way . I watched TV for the first time in over a year . I made connections with people and discovered kindness I never knew existed and the majority coming from strangers . Mostly , I was able to accept those very things that were offered to ME . I realized it was okay to wake up and stay awake . I could see colours I never saw before . I ventured out of my comfort zone more than once , got lost more than once and found my way every time . I learned new things I thought I already knew . I realized and admitted I didn 't know and now I do . I was able to accept the praise of people I love and strangers too and that 's amazing . I saw my GP last week and got disturbing news about some lab results . My hormone levels went through the roof , at least triple the normal level . I had already figured I was in menopause for obvious reasons but this was beyond that . There was a hint of a possible ovarian cyst or tumor . But that 's not what I see for me . Thanks to Sherree , a fellow blogger , I found a whole new avenue on Google to explore . My fears of terminal illness has been put to a tentative rest . Theories abound and I must not waste my time on this earth worrying about it and using it as another excuse to hide from this world . I am able to wait for the follow - up tests without panic , at least most of the time . I know I 'm stronger than before . I have some proof if you need it . I kinda did . My readers may remember a scant 2 months ago I parted ways from a boyfriend who I was madly in love with . We were together for just over a year . We communicated last night for the first time since our breakup . I 'd only allow us to chat without the benefit of video or sound . He seemed to have a lot to say . Mostly he wants to " take me away from all the stress " , rent a hotel room and spend a weekend together . Dr . G asked me how hard was it to say no . It was so hard , unbelievably hard . How did I do it ? I just kept repeating in my head what it was he really wants and the hell I 've already gone through . I know I have feelings for the guy and there was no way I could survive " just a weekend " with him . I also knew that if he offered more I knew I would never survive that either . My kids hate him . I realized then how cruel he really was . Dr . G was so proud of me . I 've been patting myself on the back all day and this evening too . This was a great opportunity to demean myself but I finally realized : So I 'm doing better . I start a new phase in my life ( again ) and I got here with a lot of heartache , torture and self loathing . Mind you , having a good day with the difference of knowing how to hold on to that extraordinary feeling that there are still good days . I 'm going to apologize in advance to all who read my words at this time . My life has , once again , taken a turn for the worse . I think my next couple of posts will be on the oh so tragic , poor me , side . If I can post anything at all . I lost my job and I lost it because of me , who I am and I 'm just no good . My brain is confused and has been for months . The near misses when I 'm driving , the forgetting where I am or even what I 'm doing . The paranoia that drive many people away from me is on full attack . I 'm at the door and windows half the night watching and waiting for some one to come for me . This is even on a doctor approved triple dose of my anti anxiety medication and I can 't sleep . I think I 'm sick again . Now I 've lost my job due to my incompetence and have no way to provide for my family . I 'm in no shape to work and no one will want to hire me . I had the presence of mind to go to Employment Insurance who told me , even though I was fired , I might still collect from them . I had walked in there , thinking it was the welfare office and realized later that I must have known it wasn 't . They were very kind . I must have looked pretty awful because the woman behind the desk came out and led me to a chair where she explained to me about filling out the form online . She led me over to a computer and got me started and introduced a man who would be around if I needed help . I checked the time , not that I had anywhere to go . I stared at the screen for a while , reading each word carefully , using all my energy to be focused on this one task . I started to type ; to fill in the blanks . It was then I noticed how bad I was shaking . The kind man was right there as I held my head in my hands , willing my body to have some class , some dignity . He ended up filling in the claim for me . I sat there and shook and shook and answered the questions he asked me . Except for my address . I had to find something with my new address on it . Even as I left I lurched into a couple of chairs , sending one of them skidding into the aisle . More humiliation before 10 : 30 am . This had taken 2 hours of my pathetic life . After calling welfare I went to my lawyer 's office to stop him from proceeding on my domestic case against my Ex . I couldn 't afford a lawyer . He was so kind and assigned his son to take my case as he does the Legal Aid in the office . Good . I got home and went to take off my shoes and realized I had worn my slippers all day . What a stereotype of mental illness I must have looked like , shuffling along in my slippers , clothes that don 't fit because I 'm so swollen . None of my shoes fit either as my feet are double the size . I could not afford the medication I take to get rid of the swelling and had to get my psych meds so something had to go . I had seen Dr . G . shortly after I was fired . He 's not talking about putting me on disability again ; he wants me in a 4 week program that is supposed to help me get back to work and deal with my psych issues . Today I got in touch with them and I 'm set for an interview / intake for Monday . I had to tell my ex tonight that I lost my job . He had brought money for " child support " ( I would laugh but it 's pathetic ) and he immediately made noises of taking our daughter . I promised my sister I wouldn 't tell him I applied for welfare this means I 'm able to get Legal Aid get the frigging money he 's supposed to be giving me . There is a risk of him deciding to just cut me off now and wait for a court decision . He would too . He resents every pitiful cent . Today , 2 days after leaving the office , I slept . I slept all day . I know that 's bad . I couldn 't help it . I got up and drove my girl to school and came home , crawled into bed . I got up once after a couple of hours only to realize I was falling asleep drinking a cup of tea which sloshed on my shaking hand , waking me . I figure I must be stronger than I think . I 've been grabbing onto anything I can to be alive . I welcome the numbness my meds are bringing me right now . Today there were all kinds of posts on FB and the internet about suicide . My thoughts were definitely in this direction . I don 't know how the hell I 'm holding on , my threads are my children , my sister , my precious few friends and even my cat . These are the things that keep me alive . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
When I am pregnant , I go over what the possibilities are for this birth . I had Pitocin - induced , epidural births and totally natural water births . I had every intention of another beautiful water birth with L . It was a Saturday ( Jan . 28 ) . A family member asked for my 3 boys to stay the night . That never happens . They did . My daughter was at a friends . There were some issues so I made her come home . She was so very mad at me . I felt horrible , but it had to happen . On this night , our dog , Rocky , barked so loud . Usually , he stays on the porch barking or runs into the woods chasing something . This night , he stood outside the window of the room I was in barking . My husband is filled with questions of ' what - if 's ' . I don 't know what if . I know that it is too early for a baby to be born . I know that there is a short time frame from time my water breaks to when baby has to be born . I know that I am not in labor . The ride to Ste . Gen is the longest one I have ever been on . The not knowing what was going to happen was killing me . N was still in denial . B was excited and scared . I tried to explain to her that she couldn 't be in the room like we had planned . She didn 't understand . Once at the hospital , they hook me up to monitors and I hear L 's heart beat . It was the first time I took a breath . They verify that my water had , indeed broke . N walks out of the room in tears . Hello , dumbass . It 's not my first rodeo . I told you . B runs out after him . I had never rode in an ambulance before . It took way less time than I think it did . I was in a fog . I kept watching out the back window . I am 2 days from being 34 weeks . They want to keep baby in at all costs until that point . They want to give me 2 steroid shots ( 24 hours apart ) to develop his lungs . Then 24 hours after that , they will induce labor . In 72 hours I will have a baby . How is this ok ? How is this going to happen ? Looking back , I didn 't realize how serious having a 34 week baby was . My kids are 8 - 10 pounds . They come home from hospital 24 hours after delivery and are healthy . I expected L to be the same . I expected him to defy the odds and be born and come home within a week at the latest . I guess that 's why I didn 't stress about it during labor . It was my mind 's way of getting through . Lying to myself to get what I needed to get through . N wasn 't able to stay with me during this time . He had 4 other children to take care of . He went home that night and came back Tuesday evening . My bff , J came Tuesday night and stayed too . Another friend , S , came early Wednesday morning - and so did my in - laws and my daughter , B ! The Iv was horrible . I 'm a sissy . I cried . They did it at Ste . Gen , then again at St . Johns . They couldn 't get it so it took quite a few times . I cried . They gave me a stronger antibiotic every 24 hours , in addition to the regular one every 6 hours . I had some sort of reaction to the 24 hour one that caused my hand to feel like it had actual fire running through it . I cried and bitched the entire hour it was in both times . I 'm sure the nurses were terrified of me giving birth if I am crying about an IV . Sorry - not sorry . I was only dilated 1 at this point . ( It 's my fifth kid , 1 would have been normal anyway ) There were no signs of labor besides water breaking . I knew he wasn 't ready . I knew from my 2 past Pitocin births , my body does not respond well to it . I voiced my concerns . They let me know they 'd let me be on Pitocin for a full 48 hours before they considered alternatives . I wanted to die . I 'd been up 72 hours straight at that point . They started it at 6 a . m . Tuesday , Jan . 31 . I began to feel contractions at 3 p . m . Tuesday . Like the pain of these were as intense as they were when I was in natural labor an hour before birth . I knew that there was ZERO progress going on elsewhere , and the contractions were 100 % fake , due to the Pitocin . At this point , I prepare N , J and S that an epidural is probably in my future . Now , if you know me , you know I hate these things . I believe they can be used for good , but can be horrible . I 've had them with 2 past births with bad experiences . My husband says no . J says no . S says she 'll fight for whatever I want her to do . I tell her to prepare to go to war ! At 5 p . m . that evening , they came and checked me with no progress after almost 12 hours of Pitocin . They wanted to insert a foley ball ? inside me . I 'd never heard of it . It is literally a balloon that is tied to a little rope that is inserted into your cervix . They pull the rope every once in awhile and it airs up balloon to dilate your cervix . MIND BLOWN . It didn 't hurt near as bad as I was preparing myself for . It dilated me to a 3 cm by about 8 p . m . and came out on it 's own . There was a lot of blood associated with this . At 4 a . m . , I was only a 4 , but his head had dropped . I realized this was progress so I wanted to get out of the bed . Until this point , I knew that after 72 hours of not sleeping , I didn 't need to get out of bed until progress started . I got on the birthing ball for a few hours and talked to my bff , while my husband snored . Lazy ass . The next part is TMI . But let 's face it , I am me . There is no such thing as TMI . I hadn 't had a bowel movement for a few days . While , I 'm not embarrassed to poop in labor ( MOST women do ) , I knew it was going to be bad . I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom . In my head , I kept thinking , do I need to go or is that the feeling of the baby coming ? I was scared to sit on toilet . However , a huge position to get labor going is literally sitting on the toilet . I went poop like 5 - 6 times from 6 a . m . to 12 p . m . Whatever , I have no doubt that is what got my labor going . At 8 a . m . , I was checked and was a 4 . 5 cm . The hospital was simply amazing . I was so nervous because I planned everything around a water birth at Ste . Gen . I knew thie policies . I knew their nurses and their doctors . The nurses let me do whatever I needed and wanted to do . They only checked me when I asked . And at one point said they wouldn 't check me again until I felt pressure because they didn 't want to risk infection . Fine by me ! At this point , I knew I 'd have him within a few hours so I got in the bed and tried to rest . My contractions were in - fucking - sane at this point . The Pitocin was upped and my body was being forced to have them every 2 - 3 minutes for hours at this point . At 10 a . m . , I was 6 cm and 90 % effaced . I realized that 90 % was big for me . I needed to get labor going . I couldn 't wait for it to go on it 's own any more . I got in the shower . Gravity rules . It was amazing . But since we had issues picking up heartbeat on monitor from shower , I had to get out . I stood by bed with N and swayed back and forth . I think he was scared I was going to fall asleep on him and told me to get in bed . This was about 10 : 45 a . m . The doctor came in and checked me . I was 6 . 5 cm . I wanted an epidural . Then . Now . My husband kept talking me out of it . He went outside and everything in me wanted to tell the nurse to give me one asap . I remember looking at the call light and wanting to press it . I 'm not strong enough to do this shit . I 've been up for 3 days and having contractions from Pitocin for 24 hours . Enough is enough . In my head , I was scared that the medicine from it would affect L . I 've delivered 8 - 10 pounds with zero medication . Why was I being a sissy ? Pitocin is Satan 's piss , as a friend quoted me . It was horrid . For about the next hour , I sat on the edge of the bed . I wanted to stand , but was too weak . I knew that laying would slow process . This is where I went through transition . S put on my music playlist and I zoned out . No words , no moans , just me . At 11 : 40 a . m . the nurse checked me and asked me to do a " practice push " . What the hell is that ? Either I push or I don 't . I was confused . But I did it . I was 9cm but only 90 % . She said that I still had some thinning of the cervix and to rest while they got everything ready . I told her that he was coming . She says she will get the doctor after she gets heart beat back on the monitor . It was taking awhile . I remember looking up at her with my hand on her hand on the monitor and saying " you need to get the doctor . I 'll do this . " ( The labor and delivery nurse ( at any hospital ) is responsible for how your birth goes . It 's sad , but it 's true . If they are horrible , your birth is horrible . If they are awesome , your birth is awesome . End of story . At start of this nurse 's shift , I asked her how long she had been doing this . She was 22 years old . " About 5 months " . I was a little scared . This nurse went above and beyond what she was supposed to do . She allowed me to do anything I asked to do . She was super nice and caring and helped lighten the mood when I got mean . I could not have asked for a better nurse ) She looked up at me and realized I was serious . About 2 minutes later , the doctor came in . As she put on her gloves , etc . , I let her know the baby was coming , as I scooted down on the bed to begin to push . I didn 't really give her a choice . She had me push . I hated to push . I remember labor with K and M and how easy it was . No one told me to push . I did what my body told me to . With T and B , when a doctor told me to " push " , it was an hour ordeal . I had nothing in me . Like I had been up literally 3 days . I pushed . Again she said . Cont to 10 . I pushed . " You 're doing good . One more time . " Bullshit . I didn 't feel him coming out . I didn 't feel the " ring of fire " like I had before . I pushed anyway . L was born in 3 total pushes . They did let N cut the cord , which we weren 't expecting . We thought he would have to be worked on right away . There was a team of doctors waiting for him to be born to start working on him . I watched as everyone took photos of him . I saw him open his eyes and I heard him cry . I knew he was going to be just fine ! He was born at exactly 12 : 00 p . m . , Wednesday , February 1 , 2017 . He weighed 5 pounds , 14 ounces and was 18 inches long . He was 34 weeks , 1 day gestation and he was perfect in every way . My daughter came in within seconds of him being born . . . Right to the sight of me in the bed in stirrups . Oops . She did great . She got to see the baby for a few minutes and sat while they cleaned me up . Once they were ready to move him to NICU , they put him on my chest for a brief second . I sang " Happy Birthday " and kissed his sweet head . I needed one more dose of Pitocin after placenta was delivered to get the uterus to continue to contract . My fucking IV blew while I was pushing . I straight told the nurse she was not re - doing it for one dose . Figure something else out . I just gave birth . I wasn 't getting another IV ! lol Luckily , her being as awesome as she is , she said she would give it to me in a shot in my butt . Bring that shit on ! I wanted to pump immediately . It seemed like forever . They couldn 't get me a pump in that room . I had to wait til they got me to the floor L was on in recovery . It was about an hour . L is 13 days old as I type this . He sits in front of me in his car seat doing one of the last tests he needs to do before he comes home . It was been 16 days of pure hell . . . that 's a blog for another time ! For so long , all I could do was look straight . I couldn 't look up . I couldn 't look to the sides . There was no part of me that was able to look anywhere but what was right in front of me that very second . There was no way to look down , because I was at rock bottom . There were times I wasn 't sure if I would be able to make it through the day . There were times when I didn 't think my life was worth living . There were times when all I wanted to do was sleep forever . Now , I can not only look up , but I can look down . I can look down to a place that I KNOW cannot ever get worse . Nothing that happens in my life can be any worse than the rock bottom that I was at . Nothing . No matter what happens in my life from here on out , I can handle because going as low as a life can possibly get , allows you to be a person you could have never imagined becoming . Being worthless , being a horrible mother , being a bad human , all of those things allowed me to be one bad ass bitch who can do and accomplish anything . The last 3 years of my life have been insane . I 've realized who my real friends are and even more so , who my real family is . I 've accepted that Nathan is and will forever be the rock that keeps me who I want to be . I 've accepted that I can 't make people like me . I 've accepted that I can 't make people want to be a part of my kids ' lives . I 've accepted that my friends are probably the best bitches on the planet Earth . I 've accepted that excuses get you no where and the only way for me is up . First of all , breast milk is the best option for a baby . If you cannot physically put your baby to the breast and latch , your pumped milk in a bottle is second best . Third best would be another human 's milk in a bottle . Fourth is formula in a bottle . That is it . There are all the options I have . This device isn 't an option . It 's a joke . - Our world is obese . Morbidly . We are making it to where we are teaching them this young that to eat they don 't even need to raise their hands up to hold the bottle ? No way . - One of the main things this is supposed to be good for is the car . What the actual fuck ? Really ? I realize there are times when a car ride is way too long and pulling over is a burden . Do you want to invent something that changes your baby too ? Or do road trips where this is used , just not involve pulling over to deal with the baby at all ? - As a mom who has NEVER used ANY formula with any of my four children , I have had to pump a lot . Have you ever got milk in a pumping tube . Holy hell , it 's a bitch to clean . Keeping this clean has to be hard as well . - I 've heard it 's great for multiples . You know what else is great for multiples ? Boobs . You have two of them . Use them . August 16 , 2014 by jessicacrepps Writing this is going to be something very hard for me to do . It 's something I wasn 't sure I 'd ever want to do . I am in a place where I feel comfortable enough to write it so I am doing it and not looking back . It started in second grade . I was 8 years old . I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old and I can 't help but keep going back to this place . My daughter is going into second grade and has the same teacher I did in that grade . I guess that is making me revisit this time in my life more than ever . I can remember the first time like it was yesterday . There were two boys in my class who liked me . Yeah me , right ? No . I was incredibly shy and hated the attention . They wrote me love letters and tried to sit by me . I hated it . The stress was too much . I would go home crying because I didn 't want anyone to talk to me , let alone boys . I didn 't have any friends in my class . It was really hot outside that day . I remember at recess these boys chased me . I wasn 't running because it was fun . I was running because I was terrified . I wanted to tell a teacher but was afraid to talk . I ran . I ran fast and hard . When we came back in from recess , we had a test of some kind . I couldn 't concentrate . For the first time in my life , I guessed the answers to get done and asked to go to the restroom . This was a big deal for me . It was the first time I gained the courage to ask to use the restroom . I walked into the bathroom stall , sat down on the toilet , with my pants up . I pulled my shorts up to my upper thigh . I slid the scissors across my leg . I felt pain . I slid them again , harder this time . I saw blood . I continued to do this . The release I felt at that point was something I became addicted to that very moment . I held a piece of toilet paper on it as I pulled my shorts back down . I went back to class and smiled for the first time all year . From that point on , I was ok in my skin . I began to cut when I made a bad grade or when things at home were complicated . At first it only happened at school with the scissors . Over time , I did it at home with scissors or a pencil . How the hell I didn 't get lead poisoning is beyond me . As I got older , and started shaving , the razor became my new best friend . I would never use the same razor I used to shave . I 'd always hide one in my room . I 'd sometimes carry it backpack I used to go stay at friends ' houses . I didn 't always use it . But it was my security . I needed it . When I was 13 , my grandpa and my best friend died within 8 days of each other . This was my breaking point . Until then , nothing major had happened in my life . Eric had moved about an hour or so away 2 months prior . I had been sneaking long - distant phone calls to him and knew the phone bill was coming . I had begged my dad and mom to take me to see him . He was my soul - mate . Not in a ' lover ' way . We were just connected on a level that I can 't explain to anyone else . He got me . I understood him . On October 18 , 1997 , I was at a friend 's house when my mom called me to come home . I just knew that the phone bill had came and I was in deep shit . I 'd soon wish that it was that simple . Eric had died . I hated my mom for lying . This wasn 't true . It couldn 't be true . I went into my room . I grabbed my razor and I ran . I ran fast . I ran hard . There were no cell phones then . I went to the ball field and called a friend . He said he 'd be right there . In my head , I knew that I needed to be around someone . But I couldn 't . I ran more . I hid in the train on the tracks by the ball field . I got my razor . That was a very dark time in my life . It changed everything I was . Through my teen years , cutting became a way of my everyday life . I kept a razor in my purse . I kept one in my car . I kept one in my backpack at school . There was always a way to release . There wasn 't social media . There wasn 't shows with people who cut . At that time , there were the " goth " kids who would wear black and have cuts on their wrists . Everyone would talk about them . I wasn 't one of them . No where close . They wanted the attention . They wanted people to see their cuts and ask them about them . That was how they dealt with their pain . I never cut anywhere other than my upper thighs and stomach . I never wanted to die . The thought of suicide never crossed my mind . No one saw the cuts . I 'd never tell anyone . After awhile , I got comfortable being naked with my boyfriend ( now husband ) . Without even thinking , I didn 't hide one of the recent cuts . He asked . I 'd managed to keep it a secret for 8 years at that point . He thought I was doing it for attention . Eventually he realized that wasn 't the case . He 'd see a cut and ask what happened to make me do it . He never tried to get me to stop . He didn 't encourage it and would say he wished I didn 't , but he also understood it was me . After graduation , I couldn 't find a job in my field . I moved back home and got my own place . As much fun as those times were , I was going no where fast . I was involved in a lot of stupid things with a lot of stupid people . So here I was in Texas , alone again . The basic training was 6 weeks ? I made it to week 6 . The last week was warrior week where we were in the field training . Throughout the basic , I slept with a razor . Every night , I released . I was doing well . Of course I missed my family , but for the first time in a long time , I was proud of myself . I had made it to the end . One night , as I lay bleeding , sighing relief as the end of my basic journey was within reach , there was a fire drill . There was no time to do anything but get out of bed and get outside . The razor was found . I was found with blood . The rest is a mess . I had to see their shrink , who determined I had a bunch of long words and wasn 't fit to be a member of their Air Force . I was sent to a holding camp where I waited for release papers for 4 . 5 weeks . I can remember that call so well . I had 2 minutes to explain to my mother , who had heard from me 1 - 2 times in several weeks that I was being discharged because I was cutting . At that time , the movie ' Thirteen ' was out . Though it was far from my reality , it was the only thing I could tell her to watch . So I came home , I slipped back into the drug and stupidity scene . At one time , I was really messed up and I went into this guys ' bathroom I was dating . He found me with hundreds of cuts all over my stomach . Because I wasn 't in my right mind , I guess I couldn 't stop or didn 't realize how deep I was going . The scars from that night are still here today . He called a friend , who called my mom . That was my turning point . I realized I needed that razor more than I needed anything else at that time . I did . Problems with baby daddy . ( Yes , there was a time when N was just my baby daddy - before we realized we were meant to be ) I cut my entire pregnancy . I can remember being TERRIFIED toward the end that I 'd go into labor and they 'd see the fresh cuts or scars and take my baby from me for being unstable . There were a lot of sleepless nights with those thoughts inside my head . Then I had B . Same thing . My husband knew it . He hated it and was sure to tell me every time he happened to see it . I hid it best I could . But let 's face it , when you are breastfeeding and you cut your belly , there is no covering that up . After the birth of K , ( see previous blogs ) , I had PTSD and severe PPD . I was in such a fog . One night , N was gone out of town working . T and B were asleep in another room . I had K in a bouncer beside the bathtub so I could have a bubble bath . I was crying . I was a mess . I took the razor and put it to my wrist . Whatever powers that be , worked their magic . I snapped out of it and saw K laying there . What the fuck is wrong with me ? I am done cutting . Done . I didn 't touch a razor for a long time after that . I didn 't shave anything . I was afraid that I would be tempted . I was still very depressed during this time and I didn 't want the temptation there . Anyway , as I write this tonite , I 'm going through a rough place and thoughts of razors are entering my brain again for the first time in many years . Those two times since that night with K , were severe tragic events . Not that that makes it ok , but they were . I am not sure why I felt the need to write this . I will probably never publish it . Writing helps me more than anyone will ever realize . Cutting is a huge part of who I am and why I am who I am . Tonight , as I watch my four babies sleep on all sides of me as I write this , I never want my children to feel that is an outlet . But I don 't want anyone to think it 's a bad thing either . It 's just a thing . Nothing more , nothing less . I 've spent 23 years cutting . And I can probably never say " I 'll never do it again . " But for now , I can say I am doing all I can to be a better person and handle my pain in other ways . Some days I fail miserably at that . Tonite , I won . The razor lost . One battle at a time . When I dropped B off for her first day of Pre - K , there were no tears , she was ready to take on the world . Kindergarten , same thing . First grade , yep . Bring it . Second grade today - no worries ! When I left T for Pre - K , tons of tears . K - yes sir . First grade , of course . Second grade - yep . Third grade - lots . So I am not sure why I didn 't prepare myself for the tears on the first day of fourth grade . This morning was bad . It 's been a few hours and I am still upset . It breaks my heart to know that he is having a bad day . N took the morning off work to take them to school with me . We went to take T first , he was crying as he got out of the car . He realized he forgot his backpack at home . N said to go in anyway . I know my son . If there is something that is different about him from the other kids in the class , anything that draws attention to him - he will freak . No , get in the car , I said . Of course it caused drama with N , because I try to be a single mom , he says . Maybe . We go back to the house , where N leaves for work . I go get the backpack and we 're off . I tell him I think that I can get him there before school starts , but we may have to sign him in at the office . Why ? He 's not sure . First he tells me he doesn 't like his hair cut . Then he tells me that he is scared people will make fun of him for his eyes being red . We pull up at the school . I pull around to where I can walk him in . I 'm not sure he 's late or not . Mr . G ( principal ) is still at door , but it 's right at 8 a . m . I don 't want him to go into the school with tears running down his face . He 's 9 now . He 's not a baby any more . Kids are assholes . T stops crying . Mr . G says " You know what , buddy . I am going that way so if you want to tell your mom bye , I 'll walk you there myself . " He 's fine . I get that . His best friend is in his class . He knows several boys and a few girls . He will be ok . July 26 , 2014 by jessicacrepps I get called a lot of names . I think everyone does . Some good , some bad and some I don 't even know how to take . It 's not a bad thing to me . When you take the time to come up with a name to call me about one of my choices , it means you took the time to think about what I am doing . To me , that means I win . I don 't get it . I am honored that someone thinks I am a good mom , don 't get me wrong ! But I just don 't see it most of the time . I realize some of my parenting decisions are different for most people . But I don 't make them because no one else makes them . I make them because it 's right for me and my kids . Several years ago , I realized my entire life was a lie . Everything I thought I was growing up was not what it seemed . I had so much anger and hurt . It took me awhile to come to terms with it . But I have . I can 't let that define who I am . With that , I realized I never wanted my children to go through that . I won 't lie . I don 't sugar coat things with friends , why would I with them ? My kids believe in Santa . Most do , right ? I have a lot of quilt for being dishonest about that . I wasn 't raised to believe in him so it was something I wanted to do different for mine . I just hope they don 't hate me for lying when they realize the truth ! 🙂 I can 't . I feel like my babies are who I am . If I can 't be honest with them , who can I be honest with ? So I cry . I tell them I feel overwhelmed . I tell them I wish I had more help . I tell them I am sorry I am not ok . I tell them I am sorry for yelling at them . I tell them I wish their dad helped with stuff more . I tell them I wish we had a better house . I tell them what I feel . I am real with them . We sleep together . We eat together . We play together . We don 't usually go off to ourselves for long periods of time . We don 't need our own space . Even if we lived in a HUGE house , it 'd be the same way . We 'd all be in one room , sleeping , playing , etc . P . S . One day , we will live in a huge house . This summer , the kids were bored . They got totes and the water hose and went to work . They played in the mud and in those totes for hours . We had a pop - up canopy that got damaged in the storm . It was in the trash pile . The kids drug it out and made a tent . I 've learned to make it work with little to nothing . I want to teach my kids to do the same . I want to teach them that money doesn 't make the world go round , they do . I was inspired by some FB posts encouraging women to post their no make up pics ! I don 't wear makeup - but here I am anyway ! Post yours ! Let that natural beauty shine ! On Wednesday , November 25 , 2013 my 2 - year - old , K , was not wanting to sleep . I was up with him all night . I tried to wake N up several times . I just wanted a few minutes rest before I had to get the kids up for school . He wouldn 't wake up . The thought crossed my mind to tell him I was in labor in hopes that would wake him up and he wouldn 't be able to go back to sleep . Decided that was mean . Around 4 a . m . K went to sleep and I laid down in the back bedroom . At this point I am huge and it was hard to sleep with everyone ( we cosleep ) . The damn dog was barking at the window . This dog , Harley , was a rescue puppy when he was a few weeks old in 2007 . We lived in town and he kept getting out of our fence so he came to live with our in - laws , where we live now . He 's always been a part of our family . Anyway , I get my fatass up to see what he is barking at . Usually a deer in the woods or something . He was looking straight up at the window at me . Totally creeped me out . Since he wouldn 't shut up , I went in the living room . It wasn 't two minutes later and he was barking again . Look outside and again , he is looking right up at the living room window . WTF dog ! So it is about 5 a . m . and I am going to sleep ! Yeah ! At 5 : 15 I wake up and I am a little wet . Nothing major . Considering I am 38 weeks pregnant , pee leaking out of me isn 't uncommon ! Lol I go to the bathroom and when I stand up and wipe , water pours out of me . Did my water just break ? No way , I thought . This has never happened ! As I walk back to the room to change , more water . I wake Nathan up . He gets right up - why he couldn 't do that earlier when I wanted him to , I don 't know ! I woke the kiddos up and got them ready for school . We went back and forth with sending them . We wanted them there when M was born and wondered if my sister would have time to get them both from two different schools . We decided to let them stay home from school and go to my sisters . Water is everywhere . I use cloth diapers on my toddler . They are all pre - stuffed with inserts . I begin to pull them out of the diapers and put in my bag . I stuff 3 in my underwear to stop the leaking . I didn 't want to make ' FB official ' until I delivered . Just close friends and family . I start getting texts wishing me luck . WTF ? Apparently not everyone got that memo . I was pissed . So I posted on my FB before everyone heard from everyone else . 4 ? I wasn 't too thrilled . I had been dilated to a 3 for a few weeks now . 4 wasn 't crap ! I was hoping to be a 6 - 7 and get this party started ! They hooked me up to the monitor for a bit . I had got into the birthing pool when I was a 4 last time ! I wasn 't in pain . Maybe this was a good thing . Melissa was there . My mom was there and of course Nathan . We walked the halls and stairs trying to get things going . I used the birthing ball as well . 12 : 10 p . m . – ¼ of a pill of Cytotec being inserted to help thin cervix . This is when it got a little scary . I could tell contractions were getting close and painful . The nurses said that his heartbeat was becoming irregular and they started to move me around a little . I asked when I could get into the water . " Not until he can keep a regular heartbeat through a contraction . " 1 : 10 p . m . - Started IV fluids bc Maddan 's heartbeat dropped with contractions . They checked her again . She is dilated a 6 and 70 % effaced . At this point I start to freak out . IV fluids aren 't necessary unless there is a problem . I was excited not to have an iv at all this time around . I knew I was getting pretty close to delivering and they still wouldn 't let me get into the tub . I was mentally preparing for a baby born in this bed or a c - section . I started to have major anxiety attacks over all of this . I was grabbing handrails to breathe through contractions . This wasn 't in my birth plan . This stupid bed wasn 't part of it . The oxygen mask was on my face and I held onto it with my eyes closed . If I opened my eyes , I saw a room full of people I loved and the worry on their faces . They all knew I was in freak - out mode and no one said a word . It felt like I had to poop . Common sign of time for baby . My doula said that she went from like a 4 to a 6 by sitting on the toilet from the positioning . Why not ? It didn 't work . Lol 1 : 37 p . m . - nurse said Dr . lam said it was ok if she got into the tub a long as she keeps the monitor on . She feels like she has to poop but can 't . She asked what the nurse thought . Nurse said if she can tolerate it out of the water to stay out for now . She is going to give it another 15 - 20 minutes with the oxygen and fluids and see what happens . I trust my doctor and I was so lucky that the two nurses there that day I knew beforehand and trusted them as well . When they said that they thought I should wait , I knew in my head I was going to have the baby there . I accused them of lying to me and telling me what I wanted to hear . They assured me they weren 't . I apologized later ! J 1 : 58 p . m . - Nurses say Maddan is doing a lot better and the tub is full . They are going to find the cord for the monitor and check again . She will be in tub son . Dilated to a 7 . And a lot thinner 85 - 90 % I was so happy . I didn 't even know they were filling tub up ! This was huge . I have no doubt that the Cytotec was the reason his heartbeat dropped . Just a reaction - no biggie ! K had no reaction to it - in fact I had 3x the dose with him ! The person I had asked to take photos couldn 't at the last minute . I had a back up but she was on her way and it was time ! So my poor sister was sitting by the door when I walked to the pool room and I threw a camera at her and said " hey - you 've been promoted to photographer . Don 't mess up . ! " lol I had my mixed cd start playing . Now , for those of you who don 't follow me , the hospital I delivered my other water baby at , had switched tubs . They had a big blue blowup one last time that I loved . Since that delivery , they had a new one - just like a hot tub . My entire pregnancy I was nervous . I was afraid it wouldn 't be comfortable at all . After the birth of K , I didn 't want any negative thoughts coming back and wanted M 's birth story to be his own . So even though the amazing hospital said they 'd blow up the blue tub for me if I wanted , I decided to go with the new tub . I tend to space out during labor . Sometimes I tell people around me to shut the fuck up . This time wasn 't bad . I think it 's because I had threatened all of them before - just kidding . They rock . At this point there is a lot of pain during contrations , but I 'm good . The nurse kept asking if I felt pressure yet . No . No pressure . Kinda getting aggravated because there is no pressure . When there is a sign of pressure , she goes and gets the doctor . , but I feel nothing . So in my head , nothing means I still have quite awhile to go before baby comes . I 'm in pain so that isn 't a good thing for me ! Fan was much better . During this point , I was in transition . It hurt like hell . The music was great but didn 't do the trick like it had with K 's birth . What could I do to help get my mind off the pain ? I thought to myself " my kids . " So every single contraction , I whispered to myself " Trenton , braylyn , Kellen " over and over again . Breathe in and out was their names . It kept me sane ! I told the nurse " pressure - get doctor " with one breath . With the second one , I told N , " he 's coming . Get here now . " ( He was holding my hand from the other side of the tub . ) I yelled that he is coming . I told Jenika to take pictures ! Who does that when the baby is literally coming out ? ME ! That 's who ! The nurse told me to push on my next contraction . I somehow ended up almost killing N . He had a button up shirt on . I grabbed one collar and pulled to the right and the other to the left as I pushed . Later he tells me that he wasn 't sure if he would pass out before the baby came but he wasn 't telling me no ! Poor guy ! My butt came out of the water and the nurse told me to put it back down . Apparently I didn 't do it quick enough and she pushes it down . Everyone later laughed because she slapped it hard . M had shoulder dysplasia and was born " sunny side up " . The nurse tells me to turn around ( I had been pushing on all fours ) . She was able to get her hands in there and help his shoulders come through . She said that any later , we would have had troubles . So thankful it worked out . I reached down and picked him up . ' Happy Birthday baby boy , " I said . He was beyond covered in white . More than any of us there had ever seen . He was looking at me but not moving or crying . I had a flashback to K 's birth . I started to have an anxiety attack . One of the nurses was sucking the stuff out of his mouth and he kept gagging . I asked why he wasn 't breathing . " He is , " she said . " He just has a lot of junk in there . " She kept suctioning and she was right . Within a few minutes he was fine . Hahahaha - this is when I looked up at the room full of friends and family for the first time . I told them that it was so fn easy ( Really was compared to all the other births I had ) . Nathan 's reaction was priceless . Also , part of my plan was to MAKE sure my dr was there . He had given me his cell and told me to call on my way to the hospital . I had seen him in the hall and he let me know he was here and ready when I needed him . We allowed the cord to FULLY stop pulsating before cutting . It was neat . Just me and M bonding . I tried to get him to nurse but he didn 't want any part of it . Completely random - but I asked the nurse if she could bring the machine in the room to weigh him . Usually they will take him across the hall to weigh , clean up , etc . But I wanted to be the first to know ! Hadn 't thought of that before , but they rocked and brought it in . Everyone posed for a few pics before I kicked them all out . My friend , Jessica had arrived . I handed baby to N to carry across the hall and it was just me and her and Dr . to deliver my placenta . ( Jessica was taking my placenta to take and encapsulate for me ) I got out of the tub and went to the room and took a shower . Jessica helped me . Then N brought me baby and we nursed and did some more skin to skin . My kids came and met him . I had my perfect water birth . I had the perfect birth . Nothing could have been better ! We are a complete family of 6 now ! | Tagged birth story , M | Leave a comment November 8 , 2013 by jessicacrepps Yesterday , my 6 - year - old daughter had a dentist appointment . She ended up having a tooth pulled . She had never lost one before and has written death threats to the tooth fairy when her older brother is visited . So needless to say , she was stoked to come home with a tooth under her pillow ! I have my 36 - week checkup after . My doctor doesn 't believe in checking for dilation unless there are other reasons to . He thinks that checking will actually make you dilate ( makes sense ) " B , the doctor has to come in and check my hoo - ha to make sure baby is ok . Do you want to stay in here or you can go sit with Amelia and color . She 's very nice . " |
There I was , all alone in the middle of the wilderness , enjoying my most recent hike . The day was a cold one , and the paths were covered with snow and ice . I was right in the center of one of the larger nature preserves around here , on my way back to the front of the park and out to my truck . That 's when it happened ! I came to a lonely area where only the deer like to go . I was entering a gully where I like to stop and enjoy the quiet of nature . The place is like a bowl that is surrounded by trees , except for the human foot path and a deer trail that crosses it . As I got halfway down the slope , my feet slid right out from under me ! A lot of times , when this kind of thing happens , it seems to go in slow motion , but not this time . I was laying on the ground almost before I knew what happened ! I did have time to kind of tuck my body to try to minimize any injury , and to try to protect my camera , which is too valuable to me to let it get broken . I fell on my back , and my arms and legs splayed out to my sides , as I slid a couple of feet down the slope . As I was falling , my eyes turned to my hand with the camera in it . I tried my best to keep it out of the snow , but it ended up completely covered by the wet white stuff . While I did feel the impact as I crashed to the ground , I didn 't really feel any pain . I guess it must have happened too fast for that . What I was most concerned about was the camera . When I stopped sliding , I sat up in the snow and began trying to get the snow off of it any way I could ; it was everywhere . I was happy to see that my prized device was still working . This whole time I just sat there in the snow . I never once attempted to stand up . I didn 't feel cold or wet , I just felt frustration and confusion . How could I have slipped ? I was wearing my trusty ice cleats on my feet . They should have dug right into any slippery spot . I then noticed the battery indicator on the camera was flashing , so before I got up I changed the batteries . Finally , after putting in the new batteries , I got to my feet . I felt fine ! I didn 't seem to be injured in anyway , not even my hind end , which probably bore most of the impact . I had a feeling that I 'd be sore later though . It was then that I decided that all I wanted to do was to get out of there . I wanted to go home . I began quickly walking towards the front of the park . I took some pictures just because that 's what I do . I noticed that there were a few very blurry areas on the view screen of the camera . I hoped these were just because the lense needed to be cleaned . It was then that I noticed I was moving so fast . I also noticed that I had a few aches and pains that wouldn 't normally be there . I realized that in a situation like this that it was natural to panic just a little bit , and that 's what I was doing . The pain was from the fall , and my movement had warmed me up and brought out the pain . When I realized what was happening , I physically stopped myself . I came to a halt right there on the trail . I told myself to slow down and be careful . Tiring myself out or really injuring myself wouldn 't help one bit . I reminded myself that I was fine and to slowly continue on my way out of the park . Finally , the parking lot ! In the end , I got out of the park and to my truck , but it was very slow going because I made sure to move extra slow . My camera still works , but I don 't know how well yet . I immediately felt exhausted when I got home , and took a long nap . When I woke up I felt very stiff , but other than that I 'm uninjured . It could have been much worse . This should be a lesson to any prospective hikers . Try to hike with someone if you can . I only hike alone because I have no choice . I carry a cell - phone with me for situations like this . I almost needed it . Without my phone , if I had been really injured , nobody would have heard me yell for help , because I was very much alone out there . Before you go hiking take a look at my post on hiking tips for beginners . It could save your life . This is what I was greeted with when I went down to the fishing platform at Carpenter Lake the day after all the snow melted . A broken and battered sheet of surface ice . We have a new , even thicker , layer of snow now that I 'm going to be showing you soon , but first I wanted to show you what a warm up and a thaw can cause . I 've shown you in days past how this lake so quickly froze solid . Now , just as quickly , it is breaking up . I really wonder what it must have been like when these cracks happened , and when the ice began to shift and shake . I know now that the experience is very similar to being in an earthquake . Go here for my description of what an ice quake can be like . As you can see by the photo above , this ice must be at least three inches / eight centimeters thick . That had to be an awesome force that drove this ice sheet up and over the one next to it . Just think of the incredible cracking sound that must have accompanied it . Along with both sight and sound must have come a huge vibration that shook the surrounding area . I know this all happens . I 've seen , heard , and felt it myself . I do have a recording of the sound of the ice breaking , but it 's not a very good one . I got it on a day when the ice was still forming and the lake was pulling at it . I think I 'll wait to bring sounds like this to you until next spring when the real action happens . I have one final look of this big crack in the ice for you . It 's very similar to the first one , but it 's a bit closer . I wanted to cover all bases for you ; well , at least as much as I could . I guess sometimes there 's no substitute for being there , but I 'm going to work on bringing you the closest experience I can by the time we get the really good ice quakes next spring . Notice on the right of the picture the ice is shinier , more liquid in appearance . That is evidence of the thaw it went through . It is now in the process of refreezing . The next time I came out here the ice was once again covered in a layer of snow . These cracks now cannot be seen . Just when I thought I had seen it all , I met a new squirrel in the forest ! I guess I 'll have to name him Baldilocks because of his huge bald spot . He doesn 't seem very happy about his baldness either . I feel for him , but he didn 't have to take it out on me . I 'll tell you what happened . It was the last day when all of the snow was still on the ground . I was happily walking through the forest not really expecting to see any animals because everything was so quiet . That 's when it happened ! On the tree just to my left a squirrel came around the side of the trunk right for me ! It was very angry because I was so close . I learned a long time ago never to run from an animal , but I always remain very careful . The key is to never make any sudden moves either way . I was still well within jumping range of this furious little baldy . You may notice black edges around the corners of my pictures . That 's because I was too close for my zoom lense attachment . I already had my camera up and ready , and when I saw what looked at the time like a possible injury on this squirrel 's back I had to get some pictures before it was too late . As I began to take my pictures I also started slowly backing away . First , I had to get out of jumping range of this hostile little guy , and second , I needed to get better range for my lense . I had no idea why he was missing the fur on his back , but I wanted to get plenty of pictures so I could examine them later . I ended up with exactly 125 pictures of him ! Yes , you read that right ! I would show them all to you , but I don 't think you 'd have time to look at them all , so I 'll just show you these five . I 'm happy to say that after examining all of the pictures that whatever the problem is with his back , he seems to be just fine . There is no sign of injury or disease anymore , just a lot of wrinkly , bald squirrel skin . I guess the only problem he has right now isa case of wounded pride from not having all of his hair . You know , I can 't say I understand the experience of going bald , like this squirrel , or some men . I have a very full head of hair . I have two uncles who are quite bald though . It took me quite awhile to understand what some bald men feel about it . It 's not always fun for them . Years ago when my youngest uncle , who is like an older brother to me , began to seriously lose his hair I used to playfully tease him about it . He wasn 't even thirty years old yet . I thought he was fine with the teasing , and I thought he was too confident as a person for it to be a problem . Besides , he always gave better than he got . But one day he got angry with me , and I saw that it was because I seriously hurt his feelings . I felt horrible about it . I never realized it would make him feel bad . That was the last time I ever said anything about it to him . We still tease each other about everything , but I keep that off limits . Back to the main story . I had no idea how many pictures I had of Baldilocks the squirrel , but I knew I had plenty , so I went on my way . I still couldn 't resist taking more pictures as I left him behind . He was determined to keep his spot on that tree , and to send me away . He got his wish . He was still there the last time I saw him from very far away . Baldilocks the squirrel was angry with me for being there , but I was just glad to discover later that he seemed to be healthy . I have found another unique squirrel in the forest . I was worried about him at first , but now I think he 's going to be just fine . I have something for you today that may be every bit as magical as the trees whispering to me , like I talked about yesterday . There are trees in my forest that keep their leaves all winter long . The leaves turn golden when fall arrives , and they stay like that all winter long . These golden trees of winter never lose their leaves . When everything else turns gray , and the ground turns white , these trees shine as golden beacons throughout the forest for all to see . They dance and whisper for all of the forest visitors whenever the wind blows . They can be a welcome presence in a lonely winter forest . On a snowy day last winter , almost one year ago , when my little friend Alice first saw these trees she told me that they looked just like the dryads from Narnia . After watching the movie again I understood what she meant . These trees shake and shimmer in a very magical way . You can go here for a special guest post that she wrote which talked about these trees . I have a very short video of this same tree for you . I guess this tree is a little camera shy because as soon as I began filming it quieted down , but it still shook its leaves for me a little bit . Even with the tree 's subdued behavior , this video might help bring it to life for you just a little bit . Go ahead , take a look . In this last picture you can see some of these trees spread out through the forest . It was shortly after watching them that the whole forest seemed to come alive for me . I told you about that incident yesterday . It really was a magical experience for me . Some of mentioned in the comments section yesterday that you have had similar experiences in the forest . Would you like to share them ? All comments are welcome , especially if you think it is a strange one . That makes a story more fun . And any of you who don 't read the comments on your favorite blogs don 't know what you 're missing . I read them all because comments can add so much . That 's enough for today . I 'm still trying to get back into things here because of all of the Christmas commotion . So many of my favorite blogs to visit with so little time right now . So far I 'm up to zero . Hopefully I can change that later today . I also have a very special project I 'm working on that won 't be finished for many months . I have to get it exactly right because it 's a very big one . I can 't reveal any more so I 'll talk to you later . There I was walking through the forest yesterday when a strange feeling suddenly overcame me . There was a kind of magic in the air . I knew there were no other humans in this forest with me , but I wasn 't alone at all . Now you may thin I am referring to the presence of all of the little forest creatures like the squirrels , but that 's not what I mean at all . It was the trees ! All of a sudden I had an overwhelming feeling that the trees were communicating with me . I could hear them in my mind whispering to me . They were telling me that I was their friend and I was welcome here . It gave me a feeling of utter peace and contentment . It was more intense than I 've ever felt in my entire life . These two pictures I 'm showing you now were taken in that exact spot at that exact moment . At that moment I understood the trees as much as I 've ever understood anyone who has spoken to me . They were all my friends and I was completely surrounded by them . I had to stop for over five minutes so I could listen to them talk to me . How can I explain the things they said ? They weren 't speaking any kind of human language , and the only translation that exists is , " Welcome friend . " I don 't claim to actually know any more of nature than anyone else except through my past couple of years experience , but I am claiming that this really happened to me . Maybe it can happen to you too . What I am saying to you now is stop and listen to the trees . A few of you already have done this , but I want even you to listen again . Maybe there really are a kind of tree spirits . Maybe it was only my own fanciful imagination . If it was just my imagination I 'm glad to have it . If they are really tree spirits I just want to thank them for being my new friends . I 'm back once again to bring you a winter 's tale . It 's not the greatest story ever told , but what do you want for free ? All I can say is that if you read all the way to the end I 'll give you a big thank you . What you see in this picture is the path that leads up to the viewing platform for Carpenter Lake . On the other side of that big fence is a small dam that lets out into a creek . The creek flows for many miles into the Rouge River . The Rouge River flows directly into the big Detroit River . Some of you have wondered recently where this Carpenter Lake is located . It 's just off of 10 Mile Road , just east of Inkster Road in Southfield , Michigan . I 'm not sure how the lake got its name . The park here is named after the lake . The park and the lake are both small , but they make up for it with a great view and plenty of wildlife . This park is the place I 've been going most of the time for my daily hikes . I like it because I can travel the whole park before it gets dark . Until the days begin to lengthen again I have to stick to smaller places like this . Last year I got caught in an unexpected snowstorm before I was able to get out of a bigger place than this . The wind began to blow very hard , and the sky turned dark too fast that day . On my way out I found many downed trees that weren 't like that when I went in , including one that was very effectively blocking my path . I won 't take that risk again . Now I know this story seems to be meandering around for no reason , but I actually have a very good reason for this post . The snow you see on the ground in these pictures is gone ! On Christmas it rained all day long and washed the snow away . We had a bit of a warm spell , but it rained the whole time . There you go , that 's my reason for the winding story . And that 's the essence of what an everyday adventure is anyway . And just to show you I didn 't forget what I said . . . ( In full Elvis voice ) THANK YOU ! ! ! Thank you very muuuch . Here 's a special Christmas present from me to you . This picture is for all of you who have decided to visit me on Christmas Day . Click on the picture to make it bigger for the best effect . Take a close look at Santa 's reindeer . There 's something very strange about them . After following all of those squirrel tracks yesterday I decided to find some tracks for animals that most people look for . I went to the back of the park to the meadow where I knew there would be some good tracks . This is where the deer live , and I knew I could find their tracks here . All I had to do was go to the part of the meadow that 's farthest away from the hiking trail . No humans go here so I knew the deer tracks would be here . It wasn 't too hard to find the tracks when I got there . They were all over this part of the meadow . The first thing I did was take plenty of pictures so I would have a record of the deer tracks . Then I took a very close look at the tracks to see if there were any fresh ones . How recently had these deer been here . There were some older tracks , but there were also some very new ones too . I must have just missed a whole herd of deer by only a matter of minutes ! I knew what I had to do . I was going to follow these fresh tracks to see if I could find the deer . As soon as I began following them I noticed something very strange . There were other tracks . I continued to follow the tracks , and I saw that they lead right into the forest . The big footprints went right in after them . I really didn 't want to follow them through the same path , so I went back to the hiking trail . It was going in the same general direction , but I figured My quest was over . After I got into the forest I saw some movement far ahead to the right of the path . It looked to be over half a dozen deer purposely moving away from me through the forest . These were the ones that made the tracks I was looking for ! As they turned and cut through the forest in font of me I excitedly tried to get a few pictures , but they were very far away . I got a few bad pictures that showed deer , but it was very hard to see them through the trees . I thought I knew where they were headed , but I would have to run to catch up . I did my best to run through the forest without alerting the deer that I was there . I thought my chances of catching up to them weren 't good , but I still had to try . I stayed on the hiking trail , and that may have been my downfall because I never did catch the deer . There he was ! The person that was standing in the meadow with the deer ! I recognized him by the size of his feet . There 's only one person who wears this kind of red suit that I know of , and there he was in front of me . He didn 't see me because he was standing there peering through the trees at a black squirrel . I guess he had never seen any of them before either because he seemed to be fascinated by it . I got this one picture before he saw me standing there . After only a second he turned my way and then just vanished as if he were never there ! The only thing I was left with was this one picture and a bad Christmas story . When it snowed last year I began to learn a lot about different animal tracks . I followed as many as I could , and I tried to see if I could find the animal that was making the tracks . I knew the animals for many of them , but I never caught up to them . One of the types of tracks I never considered though were my little friends the squirrels . With that thought , I decided that this year I was going to make an effort to find the tracks of that mighty forest creature , the squirrel . The first thing I realized was that it wasn 't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be to find squirrel tracks . In fact , it was one of the easiest things I 've ever done . This top picture shows some squirrel prints on a fallen log . I like these because they came out so clear . The squirrel must have stopped right there . The really love standing on logs like this . Here 's a closeup of some squirrel tracks from when the squirrel was trotting through the forest . They look much different than the ones from the first picture , don 't they ? That 's because this time the squirrel was moving . Many animal tracks look different when they 're moving than when they just stand still . Something interesting here is that squirrel tracks look very similar to rabbit tracks . That would make sense because they 're both furry little rodents . In this forest the tracks are almost certainly from squirrels , although I 've seen a few rabbits here as well . I mentioned earlier that squirrels really like standing on fallen logs . If you really want to see some squirrel tracks just look at a fallen log with snow on it . You 'll almost certainly find tracks on it , and they 'll probably be made by a squirrel . Squirrels use fallen logs as little squirrel highways for some reason . It must be easier for them to travel this way . This park happens to be absolutely full of squirrels , and the tracks reveal that the squirrels go everywhere . I didn 't find a place where there weren 't squirrel tracks . Just take a look at the next picture . This is the viewing platform at the end of the lake . You can see squirrel tracks running along the edge of the guard rail . I followed them as far as I could . They ran up to the little platform and through the fence . They then ran along the edge of the dam as far as I could see . They finally disappeared around a corner where I couldn 't go . Following these squirrel tracks was fun for me , but there were some even stranger tracks that I found a little later . I 'll tell you all about that in my Christmas Eve post . I hope you like it . Christmas Eve is the special day for my whole extended family because that 's when we all get together . Then on Christmas each individual family celebrates Christmas on their own . I want to show you some winter scenes from the nature park today . I 'm doing this because I had the same opportunity to show you some spectacular fall pictures a few months ago , but I was so not ready for fall that I neglected to share them with you . One of those pictures came up on my computer background today and took my breath away . I 'm not going to do that for my winter photos . I don 't want to let the beauty of winter go by without sharing it , so I have these for you today . Maybe I 'll share the fall pictures with you in a few weeks anyway . There really hasn 't been much snow here yet , but it 's enough to cover the ground now , and it 's not going away . This first photo was taken at the front of the park , right at the point where I walk around a bend and can 't see the parking lot anymore . This is the first place I begin to feel that I 'm away from civilization . If I were to turn around here we would see the very spot where I saw my first male deer only a few weeks ago . Here is a typical trail in this forest . I was really surprised to see how white the trails were here , considering there wasn 't really much snow out here at all . I 'm not sure there was much more than an inch of snowfall , but the forest floor was covered , and it hasn 't gone away yet . Usually whenever there is snow or rain of any kind These trails seem to shed all of it very easily . They made the trails only a little over a year ago , and they made sure that moisture of any kind runs off of them easily . Even when it 's pouring rain the trails stay dry enough to hike . I guess nobody told the snow to stay off the trails . I really don 't know where I got this picture , but it must have come from somewhere near the front of the park at that first trail before it branches into two . This thick brush in the front of the picture is only at that front trail , and it 's very hard to get through . I 've never tried to do it , but one of these days I 'm going to go for a journey into that part of the forest . This is a picture of what the lake looks like right now . It 's the first time I 've seen it covered with snow . Always before there has either been only ice or water . The white of the snow on the smooth surface of the lake makes everything look so clean . The best thing I 've noticed about winter is that my pictures seem to come out much better . The light seems to be distributed more evenly . Look how blue the sky looks in the picture , while the ground and everything else is still bright enough to see clearly . This never happens in the summer . Back then I only get either the ground or the sky to come out right . Not both . I hope you liked this post for today . I 'm working on something special for Christmas Eve right now . It will be a little more creative than this one , and totally unique . I 'm not sure if it will come out right yet , but if it does everybody will have fun with it . I know a lot of you may not be able to read it that day , but it will be worth going back to later . In the meantime , I 'll see you tomorrow with my regular post . I decided to bring you another picture of a squirrel wandering around out on the ice . I got this just yesterday in the morning , and the sun was shining down on him in just the right way . It made this squirrel seem as if he was glowing ! I had to share this one just because of the way it came out . Click on it to see it bigger for the full effect . I wonder if this was the same squirrel as the other one from a few days ago . I took this picture at almost the same place as the pictures of the squirrel I got a few days ago . This is the only one I got this time before the squirrel disappeared behind the tree , so if you want more pictures like this take a look at the other post of the squirrel , you 'll like it . This is a short post today because in case you haven 't noticed my presence on the internet isn 't what it should be right now . I 've been very busy lately and I haven 't had much of a chance to get on here for long enough to do much at all . Every time I get on for a few minutes I get interrupted by something . Hopefully everything will calm down after Christmas . I 'll still work hard never to miss writing a post though , so I 'll have my next one up bright and early tomorrow . When you look at this picture what do you see ? The shadowy form of a bird ? Obviously , that 's what it is , but I see a little bit more . I see an American robin perched in that tree . That 's not a remarkable bird to see here , but I was glad to be able to see it and know what it was . I don 't know when this happened but I have gained enough experience that I can identify one of these robins just by looking at its shape . All I saw in that tree was this shadowy shape , but the robin was clear in my mind . That thought was kind of a revelation for me . I really never thought I 'd be able to do this . Here is a little better look at this American robin . You can identify it by its rusty colored red breast , and that white ring around its eye on that black feathered head . You can 't see it in these pictures , but the rest of the bird is mostly black , with a little white at the base of the underside of its tail feathers . I was able to write that description just from memory . Identifying a robin may not seem remarkable to some of you , but think back when you didn 't know this bird on sight . Or maybe another bird that you have recently learned to identify . I think I 've been able to know when I see a robin for a long time now , but I guess I just took it for granted . I never thought about how much I 've learned to be able to do that . I think I 'll have to remember that when I look at other animals . When did I learn to know that I was seeing a robin ? Or another animal ? When did you ? Did you ever really think about how far you have come since you 've been watching things of nature ? I 'm beginning to understand it a little bit . I 'm back to give you something I haven 't given you in awhile . Nature photos . Just nature and nothing else . No animals of any kind this time . No strange little jokes about taking over the world , maybe . I 'm going to show you some scenery from my currently favorite nature park . This top picture shows a well defined nature trail that winds right next to a good sized slope that leads down to the lake . Walking over to the edge , we would see that it is way too steep to travel down that way without a lot of effort . I haven 't done it yet , but I will one day . You also get a good view of the lake , and a pretty good idea of how big it is . It 's not a very big lake , but it makes up for it with the amount of animal activity that it has . I think that 's why I like this park so much ; there are just so many animals here . And just when I think I 've seen them all , something new shows up . I 'm getting to that point again now . Here is a view that I haven 't shown you since the middle of last winter . There was snow everywhere then , but I was still very fascinated with this place . I had just discovered this park , and I couldn 't wait for the weather to warm up to explore the place . That walkway and that platform down there is like a playground . I wrote about it back then because I was so delighted to find it . It 's like a bridge but better in some ways . It 's the fishing platform where I take a lot of pictures from . I 've had very many good water bird sightings from there . The sign says Carpenter Lake , if you were wondering . I was standing right behind a bench that is there to look out at the lake . A nice peaceful spot . I keep trying to get a good picture of this big old tree , but I still haven 't quite found the one I 'm looking for . This tree marks the place where I first begin to feel I 'm truly in the forest . In the spring this whole area is under water . That 's when the frogs come out . You can hear what sounds like thousands of them . I 'll record them for you next spring . That 's it for this time I guess . One of these next times I think I should show you a short video of what it 's like to walk through here . In the meantime I still have to make my plans to TAKE OVER TH . . . Just kidding . Maybe next time . Have you ever seen an animal that could walk on water ? I think I have brought you something completely unique today . Do you see that animal in the center of the photo ? It really is walking on water down there . Well , the water happens to be frozen , but it 's still technically the truth , kind of . Here he stopped with his nose right on the ice . He didn 't seem to be very worried that the ice might break under him , but he was being very careful not to let his feet slide out from under him . I don 't think I 've ever seen a squirrel walking around on the ice of a lake before . It must have been done before , but who has ever seen something like this ? I think I finally solved this little mystery . It looks as if this squirrel was looking for wetter , more liquid spots on the ice so he could get a drink of water . It looked like he was kneeling down and licking the ice so he could get a drink . That 's a very smart idea for this little squirrel . I watched as he finally turned and moved back to dry land at the edge of the lake , only to venture out once again . The last I saw of him , he was walking up the middle of the river that feeds this lake . This is the first squirrel I ever saw that liked the ice this much , or I guess at all . That 's one strange squirrel . I wish I had time to get a video of this squirrel , but I can 't always do it . I 'm just happy I was able to get these pictures . They 're some of my new favorites . With that , I am out of here for today . I 'll be going back to work on my evil plan for world domination until my next post . I wonder if that will ever work out for me . . . It seems that my games are just too easy for you . That 's not necessarily a bad thing , but I think I 'll have to make the next one just a little bit more of a challenge . Easy is fun , but sometimes a good challenge makes the solution to a game even more satisfying when you find it . Yup , the next one will be a bit harder . As you might have guessed , the picture above is the bird we were all looking for . It is indeed a heron . It could indeed be an egret , but an egret is just another kind of heron . The strange thing about all of this is that this bird was able to hide from me much beter than it hid from you . When I actually took these pictures I was so busy concentrating on the cormorant that I never saw this other bird there . I wish I did because I would have considered it an even greater prize right then . The cormorants were out there almost every day , but these birds were much rarer for me . The funny thing was that I did see it earlier but I thought it was gone . Here 's the same picture I showed you yesterday . I circled the heron for you so you could identify it even easier . And now you know for sure that it 's right where you thought it was . You won ! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back . You deserve it . Go on , I 'll wait . . . There you go . Isn 't victory satisfying ? I mentioned yesterday that I found the heron in this picture by accident . You see , I have a program that rotates my computer 's desktop background between all of the pictures I 've taken . This one just happened to come up . I happened to look at it and I saw that other bird lurking back there behind the hanging branches . The surprise of seeing that bird hiding back there was what convinced me to make a game out of it . I guess I should have known that if it was that easy for me to see the bird then you would get it without a problem . I guess its back to the drawing board . My evil plan of world domination will have to wait until the next game . Do you see that almost white colored blob floating there in the middle of this picture ? That is the same hiding bird , only this time it was flying right past me . It was maybe fifteen minutes earlier , and I was standing right across the lake from where it was hiding in the other picture . If only I would have waited . This story is told so I guess that 's it for today . I 'll be back tomorrow with something more current . In the meantime I 'll be coming up with a new plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD ! ! ! Haa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! ! ! After thinking for quite some time that it has been long overdue to have another game here , I couldn 't come up with one no matter how hard I tried . Then as I looked at this picture that magically appeared as my computer 's desktop background , I found the right game for you . It 's , uh , in this picture ! I know ! I didn 't believe it myself when I first saw it , but this picture from last summer makes an excellent game . What is the game ? Well , there is a bird in this picture and I want you to find it . No , it 's not that cormorant that 's sitting right in the middle of the picture . There is another bird in this picture . That 's the one you need to find . Let me tell you how the game works . There is a second bird somewhere in this picture , one that is not that cormorant . What you have to do is find that bird , then you have to possibly guess what kind of bird it is . You can click on the picture to get a better look . After you think you 've figured it out , just leave a comment telling me where the bird is and what the bird is . To make it a little bit easier , I can tell you that I have featured this hidden bird a few times before on this blog . You will definitely know if you see this bird , so you don 't have to worry that the game might be hard . You also don 't necessarily have to know the technical name of the bird , just describe it if you have to , I 'll know if you got it . If somebody else already answered the same thing , you can still answer it too . Remember , the games here are just for fun , they 're no big deal . The most fun though is to play , and for everyone to see what you 've guessed . That 's the game . If you have any questions , I 'll try to answer them promptly this afternoon . I 'll see you here then . ( One final note . I 'm postponing the poll results until some time this weekend . The poll results posts are difficult for me to write , and I just don 't have a lot of time right now . I 'm trying to catch up with everything on here right now , like comments , and I 've been very limited on time . Missing just one day here puts me very far behind , so I 'm desperately trying to catch up . Hopefully I can get caught back up within a few more days . ) On a clear day the birds come out . We don 't have to many of those right now , clear days or birds , so I have to take advantage of the situation whenever I can . I was lucky enough to find this European Starling right outside my house . It 's the first time I have been able to do that . They usually fly away too soon . I 've seen pictures of these starlings before but I never thought I 'd actually see one . When I walked out my front door I heard birds singing in the trees . I still didn 't expect them to stay long enough for me to get any pictures , but as I got closer to my truck I realized that they weren 't leaving . I was lucky enough to have my camera already in my hand because I was headed to the hiking trails . It was easy enough to turn on the camera and start taking pictures . The only problem was that I forgot that I had the lighting set for taking pictures in the woods . After several pictures I changed the setting . I decided that since this was the first starling I 've seen I 'd do a little bit of research . I thought I 'd find some of the regular fun bird information that I find all the time , but what I really found wasn 't necessarily very good . These starlings aren 't considered to be very nice birds at all . It seems that starlings are immigrants to this country , like most of the people here . As their name indicates , they originally come from Europe , where over hundreds of years they adapted to living in and around human settlements . In 1890 one hundred starlings were brought here and released in Central Park in New York City . Since then they 've spread over most of North America . These birds allegedly group together in large hordes and have the capability of ruining everything in their path . They steal the homes of other birds , they eat and spoil the food of cattle , they damage crops , and they are very difficult to drive away . That 's not a pretty picture at all . But their is a good side to them . Insects . Insects are considered to be much greater pests than these starlings , and the starlings eat them . They eat insects like locusts and ground beetles , which cause much more destruction than them , so the final verdict on these birds is that the good they do outweighs the damage . So I guess there is a happy ending to the legend of these birds . You might have noticed that these last two pictures are a little brighter than the first two . As I said above , I had to make an adjustment with the camera . The first two pictures were good so I decided to include them anyway . You can get a good look at the birds by clicking on any of the pictures though . And finally in this last picture you can see the bird from the back . Notice all of the tiny white speckles all over it . This is what always fascinated me about starlings . Maybe that 's how they got their name . All of those tiny speckles look like stars at night . Maybe . Maybe not . I told you yesterday that the poll results had a small chance of being delayed again . That small chance turned into this flock of European starlings , so hopefully I 'll have the poll results tomorrow . I also have some other things to catch up on around here , and I 'll see if I can do that in the next few days . Talk to you then . I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah ! |
There I was , all alone in the middle of the wilderness , enjoying my most recent hike . The day was a cold one , and the paths were covered with snow and ice . I was right in the center of one of the larger nature preserves around here , on my way back to the front of the park and out to my truck . That 's when it happened ! I came to a lonely area where only the deer like to go . I was entering a gully where I like to stop and enjoy the quiet of nature . The place is like a bowl that is surrounded by trees , except for the human foot path and a deer trail that crosses it . As I got halfway down the slope , my feet slid right out from under me ! A lot of times , when this kind of thing happens , it seems to go in slow motion , but not this time . I was laying on the ground almost before I knew what happened ! I did have time to kind of tuck my body to try to minimize any injury , and to try to protect my camera , which is too valuable to me to let it get broken . I fell on my back , and my arms and legs splayed out to my sides , as I slid a couple of feet down the slope . As I was falling , my eyes turned to my hand with the camera in it . I tried my best to keep it out of the snow , but it ended up completely covered by the wet white stuff . While I did feel the impact as I crashed to the ground , I didn 't really feel any pain . I guess it must have happened too fast for that . What I was most concerned about was the camera . When I stopped sliding , I sat up in the snow and began trying to get the snow off of it any way I could ; it was everywhere . I was happy to see that my prized device was still working . This whole time I just sat there in the snow . I never once attempted to stand up . I didn 't feel cold or wet , I just felt frustration and confusion . How could I have slipped ? I was wearing my trusty ice cleats on my feet . They should have dug right into any slippery spot . I then noticed the battery indicator on the camera was flashing , so before I got up I changed the batteries . Finally , after putting in the new batteries , I got to my feet . I felt fine ! I didn 't seem to be injured in anyway , not even my hind end , which probably bore most of the impact . I had a feeling that I 'd be sore later though . It was then that I decided that all I wanted to do was to get out of there . I wanted to go home . I began quickly walking towards the front of the park . I took some pictures just because that 's what I do . I noticed that there were a few very blurry areas on the view screen of the camera . I hoped these were just because the lense needed to be cleaned . It was then that I noticed I was moving so fast . I also noticed that I had a few aches and pains that wouldn 't normally be there . I realized that in a situation like this that it was natural to panic just a little bit , and that 's what I was doing . The pain was from the fall , and my movement had warmed me up and brought out the pain . When I realized what was happening , I physically stopped myself . I came to a halt right there on the trail . I told myself to slow down and be careful . Tiring myself out or really injuring myself wouldn 't help one bit . I reminded myself that I was fine and to slowly continue on my way out of the park . Finally , the parking lot ! In the end , I got out of the park and to my truck , but it was very slow going because I made sure to move extra slow . My camera still works , but I don 't know how well yet . I immediately felt exhausted when I got home , and took a long nap . When I woke up I felt very stiff , but other than that I 'm uninjured . It could have been much worse . This should be a lesson to any prospective hikers . Try to hike with someone if you can . I only hike alone because I have no choice . I carry a cell - phone with me for situations like this . I almost needed it . Without my phone , if I had been really injured , nobody would have heard me yell for help , because I was very much alone out there . Before you go hiking take a look at my post on hiking tips for beginners . It could save your life . This is what I was greeted with when I went down to the fishing platform at Carpenter Lake the day after all the snow melted . A broken and battered sheet of surface ice . We have a new , even thicker , layer of snow now that I 'm going to be showing you soon , but first I wanted to show you what a warm up and a thaw can cause . I 've shown you in days past how this lake so quickly froze solid . Now , just as quickly , it is breaking up . I really wonder what it must have been like when these cracks happened , and when the ice began to shift and shake . I know now that the experience is very similar to being in an earthquake . Go here for my description of what an ice quake can be like . As you can see by the photo above , this ice must be at least three inches / eight centimeters thick . That had to be an awesome force that drove this ice sheet up and over the one next to it . Just think of the incredible cracking sound that must have accompanied it . Along with both sight and sound must have come a huge vibration that shook the surrounding area . I know this all happens . I 've seen , heard , and felt it myself . I do have a recording of the sound of the ice breaking , but it 's not a very good one . I got it on a day when the ice was still forming and the lake was pulling at it . I think I 'll wait to bring sounds like this to you until next spring when the real action happens . I have one final look of this big crack in the ice for you . It 's very similar to the first one , but it 's a bit closer . I wanted to cover all bases for you ; well , at least as much as I could . I guess sometimes there 's no substitute for being there , but I 'm going to work on bringing you the closest experience I can by the time we get the really good ice quakes next spring . Notice on the right of the picture the ice is shinier , more liquid in appearance . That is evidence of the thaw it went through . It is now in the process of refreezing . The next time I came out here the ice was once again covered in a layer of snow . These cracks now cannot be seen . Just when I thought I had seen it all , I met a new squirrel in the forest ! I guess I 'll have to name him Baldilocks because of his huge bald spot . He doesn 't seem very happy about his baldness either . I feel for him , but he didn 't have to take it out on me . I 'll tell you what happened . It was the last day when all of the snow was still on the ground . I was happily walking through the forest not really expecting to see any animals because everything was so quiet . That 's when it happened ! On the tree just to my left a squirrel came around the side of the trunk right for me ! It was very angry because I was so close . I learned a long time ago never to run from an animal , but I always remain very careful . The key is to never make any sudden moves either way . I was still well within jumping range of this furious little baldy . You may notice black edges around the corners of my pictures . That 's because I was too close for my zoom lense attachment . I already had my camera up and ready , and when I saw what looked at the time like a possible injury on this squirrel 's back I had to get some pictures before it was too late . As I began to take my pictures I also started slowly backing away . First , I had to get out of jumping range of this hostile little guy , and second , I needed to get better range for my lense . I had no idea why he was missing the fur on his back , but I wanted to get plenty of pictures so I could examine them later . I ended up with exactly 125 pictures of him ! Yes , you read that right ! I would show them all to you , but I don 't think you 'd have time to look at them all , so I 'll just show you these five . I 'm happy to say that after examining all of the pictures that whatever the problem is with his back , he seems to be just fine . There is no sign of injury or disease anymore , just a lot of wrinkly , bald squirrel skin . I guess the only problem he has right now isa case of wounded pride from not having all of his hair . You know , I can 't say I understand the experience of going bald , like this squirrel , or some men . I have a very full head of hair . I have two uncles who are quite bald though . It took me quite awhile to understand what some bald men feel about it . It 's not always fun for them . Years ago when my youngest uncle , who is like an older brother to me , began to seriously lose his hair I used to playfully tease him about it . He wasn 't even thirty years old yet . I thought he was fine with the teasing , and I thought he was too confident as a person for it to be a problem . Besides , he always gave better than he got . But one day he got angry with me , and I saw that it was because I seriously hurt his feelings . I felt horrible about it . I never realized it would make him feel bad . That was the last time I ever said anything about it to him . We still tease each other about everything , but I keep that off limits . Back to the main story . I had no idea how many pictures I had of Baldilocks the squirrel , but I knew I had plenty , so I went on my way . I still couldn 't resist taking more pictures as I left him behind . He was determined to keep his spot on that tree , and to send me away . He got his wish . He was still there the last time I saw him from very far away . Baldilocks the squirrel was angry with me for being there , but I was just glad to discover later that he seemed to be healthy . I have found another unique squirrel in the forest . I was worried about him at first , but now I think he 's going to be just fine . I have something for you today that may be every bit as magical as the trees whispering to me , like I talked about yesterday . There are trees in my forest that keep their leaves all winter long . The leaves turn golden when fall arrives , and they stay like that all winter long . These golden trees of winter never lose their leaves . When everything else turns gray , and the ground turns white , these trees shine as golden beacons throughout the forest for all to see . They dance and whisper for all of the forest visitors whenever the wind blows . They can be a welcome presence in a lonely winter forest . On a snowy day last winter , almost one year ago , when my little friend Alice first saw these trees she told me that they looked just like the dryads from Narnia . After watching the movie again I understood what she meant . These trees shake and shimmer in a very magical way . You can go here for a special guest post that she wrote which talked about these trees . I have a very short video of this same tree for you . I guess this tree is a little camera shy because as soon as I began filming it quieted down , but it still shook its leaves for me a little bit . Even with the tree 's subdued behavior , this video might help bring it to life for you just a little bit . Go ahead , take a look . In this last picture you can see some of these trees spread out through the forest . It was shortly after watching them that the whole forest seemed to come alive for me . I told you about that incident yesterday . It really was a magical experience for me . Some of mentioned in the comments section yesterday that you have had similar experiences in the forest . Would you like to share them ? All comments are welcome , especially if you think it is a strange one . That makes a story more fun . And any of you who don 't read the comments on your favorite blogs don 't know what you 're missing . I read them all because comments can add so much . That 's enough for today . I 'm still trying to get back into things here because of all of the Christmas commotion . So many of my favorite blogs to visit with so little time right now . So far I 'm up to zero . Hopefully I can change that later today . I also have a very special project I 'm working on that won 't be finished for many months . I have to get it exactly right because it 's a very big one . I can 't reveal any more so I 'll talk to you later . There I was walking through the forest yesterday when a strange feeling suddenly overcame me . There was a kind of magic in the air . I knew there were no other humans in this forest with me , but I wasn 't alone at all . Now you may thin I am referring to the presence of all of the little forest creatures like the squirrels , but that 's not what I mean at all . It was the trees ! All of a sudden I had an overwhelming feeling that the trees were communicating with me . I could hear them in my mind whispering to me . They were telling me that I was their friend and I was welcome here . It gave me a feeling of utter peace and contentment . It was more intense than I 've ever felt in my entire life . These two pictures I 'm showing you now were taken in that exact spot at that exact moment . At that moment I understood the trees as much as I 've ever understood anyone who has spoken to me . They were all my friends and I was completely surrounded by them . I had to stop for over five minutes so I could listen to them talk to me . How can I explain the things they said ? They weren 't speaking any kind of human language , and the only translation that exists is , " Welcome friend . " I don 't claim to actually know any more of nature than anyone else except through my past couple of years experience , but I am claiming that this really happened to me . Maybe it can happen to you too . What I am saying to you now is stop and listen to the trees . A few of you already have done this , but I want even you to listen again . Maybe there really are a kind of tree spirits . Maybe it was only my own fanciful imagination . If it was just my imagination I 'm glad to have it . If they are really tree spirits I just want to thank them for being my new friends . I 'm back once again to bring you a winter 's tale . It 's not the greatest story ever told , but what do you want for free ? All I can say is that if you read all the way to the end I 'll give you a big thank you . What you see in this picture is the path that leads up to the viewing platform for Carpenter Lake . On the other side of that big fence is a small dam that lets out into a creek . The creek flows for many miles into the Rouge River . The Rouge River flows directly into the big Detroit River . Some of you have wondered recently where this Carpenter Lake is located . It 's just off of 10 Mile Road , just east of Inkster Road in Southfield , Michigan . I 'm not sure how the lake got its name . The park here is named after the lake . The park and the lake are both small , but they make up for it with a great view and plenty of wildlife . This park is the place I 've been going most of the time for my daily hikes . I like it because I can travel the whole park before it gets dark . Until the days begin to lengthen again I have to stick to smaller places like this . Last year I got caught in an unexpected snowstorm before I was able to get out of a bigger place than this . The wind began to blow very hard , and the sky turned dark too fast that day . On my way out I found many downed trees that weren 't like that when I went in , including one that was very effectively blocking my path . I won 't take that risk again . Now I know this story seems to be meandering around for no reason , but I actually have a very good reason for this post . The snow you see on the ground in these pictures is gone ! On Christmas it rained all day long and washed the snow away . We had a bit of a warm spell , but it rained the whole time . There you go , that 's my reason for the winding story . And that 's the essence of what an everyday adventure is anyway . And just to show you I didn 't forget what I said . . . ( In full Elvis voice ) THANK YOU ! ! ! Thank you very muuuch . Here 's a special Christmas present from me to you . This picture is for all of you who have decided to visit me on Christmas Day . Click on the picture to make it bigger for the best effect . Take a close look at Santa 's reindeer . There 's something very strange about them . After following all of those squirrel tracks yesterday I decided to find some tracks for animals that most people look for . I went to the back of the park to the meadow where I knew there would be some good tracks . This is where the deer live , and I knew I could find their tracks here . All I had to do was go to the part of the meadow that 's farthest away from the hiking trail . No humans go here so I knew the deer tracks would be here . It wasn 't too hard to find the tracks when I got there . They were all over this part of the meadow . The first thing I did was take plenty of pictures so I would have a record of the deer tracks . Then I took a very close look at the tracks to see if there were any fresh ones . How recently had these deer been here . There were some older tracks , but there were also some very new ones too . I must have just missed a whole herd of deer by only a matter of minutes ! I knew what I had to do . I was going to follow these fresh tracks to see if I could find the deer . As soon as I began following them I noticed something very strange . There were other tracks . I continued to follow the tracks , and I saw that they lead right into the forest . The big footprints went right in after them . I really didn 't want to follow them through the same path , so I went back to the hiking trail . It was going in the same general direction , but I figured My quest was over . After I got into the forest I saw some movement far ahead to the right of the path . It looked to be over half a dozen deer purposely moving away from me through the forest . These were the ones that made the tracks I was looking for ! As they turned and cut through the forest in font of me I excitedly tried to get a few pictures , but they were very far away . I got a few bad pictures that showed deer , but it was very hard to see them through the trees . I thought I knew where they were headed , but I would have to run to catch up . I did my best to run through the forest without alerting the deer that I was there . I thought my chances of catching up to them weren 't good , but I still had to try . I stayed on the hiking trail , and that may have been my downfall because I never did catch the deer . There he was ! The person that was standing in the meadow with the deer ! I recognized him by the size of his feet . There 's only one person who wears this kind of red suit that I know of , and there he was in front of me . He didn 't see me because he was standing there peering through the trees at a black squirrel . I guess he had never seen any of them before either because he seemed to be fascinated by it . I got this one picture before he saw me standing there . After only a second he turned my way and then just vanished as if he were never there ! The only thing I was left with was this one picture and a bad Christmas story . When it snowed last year I began to learn a lot about different animal tracks . I followed as many as I could , and I tried to see if I could find the animal that was making the tracks . I knew the animals for many of them , but I never caught up to them . One of the types of tracks I never considered though were my little friends the squirrels . With that thought , I decided that this year I was going to make an effort to find the tracks of that mighty forest creature , the squirrel . The first thing I realized was that it wasn 't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be to find squirrel tracks . In fact , it was one of the easiest things I 've ever done . This top picture shows some squirrel prints on a fallen log . I like these because they came out so clear . The squirrel must have stopped right there . The really love standing on logs like this . Here 's a closeup of some squirrel tracks from when the squirrel was trotting through the forest . They look much different than the ones from the first picture , don 't they ? That 's because this time the squirrel was moving . Many animal tracks look different when they 're moving than when they just stand still . Something interesting here is that squirrel tracks look very similar to rabbit tracks . That would make sense because they 're both furry little rodents . In this forest the tracks are almost certainly from squirrels , although I 've seen a few rabbits here as well . I mentioned earlier that squirrels really like standing on fallen logs . If you really want to see some squirrel tracks just look at a fallen log with snow on it . You 'll almost certainly find tracks on it , and they 'll probably be made by a squirrel . Squirrels use fallen logs as little squirrel highways for some reason . It must be easier for them to travel this way . This park happens to be absolutely full of squirrels , and the tracks reveal that the squirrels go everywhere . I didn 't find a place where there weren 't squirrel tracks . Just take a look at the next picture . This is the viewing platform at the end of the lake . You can see squirrel tracks running along the edge of the guard rail . I followed them as far as I could . They ran up to the little platform and through the fence . They then ran along the edge of the dam as far as I could see . They finally disappeared around a corner where I couldn 't go . Following these squirrel tracks was fun for me , but there were some even stranger tracks that I found a little later . I 'll tell you all about that in my Christmas Eve post . I hope you like it . Christmas Eve is the special day for my whole extended family because that 's when we all get together . Then on Christmas each individual family celebrates Christmas on their own . I want to show you some winter scenes from the nature park today . I 'm doing this because I had the same opportunity to show you some spectacular fall pictures a few months ago , but I was so not ready for fall that I neglected to share them with you . One of those pictures came up on my computer background today and took my breath away . I 'm not going to do that for my winter photos . I don 't want to let the beauty of winter go by without sharing it , so I have these for you today . Maybe I 'll share the fall pictures with you in a few weeks anyway . There really hasn 't been much snow here yet , but it 's enough to cover the ground now , and it 's not going away . This first photo was taken at the front of the park , right at the point where I walk around a bend and can 't see the parking lot anymore . This is the first place I begin to feel that I 'm away from civilization . If I were to turn around here we would see the very spot where I saw my first male deer only a few weeks ago . Here is a typical trail in this forest . I was really surprised to see how white the trails were here , considering there wasn 't really much snow out here at all . I 'm not sure there was much more than an inch of snowfall , but the forest floor was covered , and it hasn 't gone away yet . Usually whenever there is snow or rain of any kind These trails seem to shed all of it very easily . They made the trails only a little over a year ago , and they made sure that moisture of any kind runs off of them easily . Even when it 's pouring rain the trails stay dry enough to hike . I guess nobody told the snow to stay off the trails . I really don 't know where I got this picture , but it must have come from somewhere near the front of the park at that first trail before it branches into two . This thick brush in the front of the picture is only at that front trail , and it 's very hard to get through . I 've never tried to do it , but one of these days I 'm going to go for a journey into that part of the forest . This is a picture of what the lake looks like right now . It 's the first time I 've seen it covered with snow . Always before there has either been only ice or water . The white of the snow on the smooth surface of the lake makes everything look so clean . The best thing I 've noticed about winter is that my pictures seem to come out much better . The light seems to be distributed more evenly . Look how blue the sky looks in the picture , while the ground and everything else is still bright enough to see clearly . This never happens in the summer . Back then I only get either the ground or the sky to come out right . Not both . I hope you liked this post for today . I 'm working on something special for Christmas Eve right now . It will be a little more creative than this one , and totally unique . I 'm not sure if it will come out right yet , but if it does everybody will have fun with it . I know a lot of you may not be able to read it that day , but it will be worth going back to later . In the meantime , I 'll see you tomorrow with my regular post . I decided to bring you another picture of a squirrel wandering around out on the ice . I got this just yesterday in the morning , and the sun was shining down on him in just the right way . It made this squirrel seem as if he was glowing ! I had to share this one just because of the way it came out . Click on it to see it bigger for the full effect . I wonder if this was the same squirrel as the other one from a few days ago . I took this picture at almost the same place as the pictures of the squirrel I got a few days ago . This is the only one I got this time before the squirrel disappeared behind the tree , so if you want more pictures like this take a look at the other post of the squirrel , you 'll like it . This is a short post today because in case you haven 't noticed my presence on the internet isn 't what it should be right now . I 've been very busy lately and I haven 't had much of a chance to get on here for long enough to do much at all . Every time I get on for a few minutes I get interrupted by something . Hopefully everything will calm down after Christmas . I 'll still work hard never to miss writing a post though , so I 'll have my next one up bright and early tomorrow . When you look at this picture what do you see ? The shadowy form of a bird ? Obviously , that 's what it is , but I see a little bit more . I see an American robin perched in that tree . That 's not a remarkable bird to see here , but I was glad to be able to see it and know what it was . I don 't know when this happened but I have gained enough experience that I can identify one of these robins just by looking at its shape . All I saw in that tree was this shadowy shape , but the robin was clear in my mind . That thought was kind of a revelation for me . I really never thought I 'd be able to do this . Here is a little better look at this American robin . You can identify it by its rusty colored red breast , and that white ring around its eye on that black feathered head . You can 't see it in these pictures , but the rest of the bird is mostly black , with a little white at the base of the underside of its tail feathers . I was able to write that description just from memory . Identifying a robin may not seem remarkable to some of you , but think back when you didn 't know this bird on sight . Or maybe another bird that you have recently learned to identify . I think I 've been able to know when I see a robin for a long time now , but I guess I just took it for granted . I never thought about how much I 've learned to be able to do that . I think I 'll have to remember that when I look at other animals . When did I learn to know that I was seeing a robin ? Or another animal ? When did you ? Did you ever really think about how far you have come since you 've been watching things of nature ? I 'm beginning to understand it a little bit . I 'm back to give you something I haven 't given you in awhile . Nature photos . Just nature and nothing else . No animals of any kind this time . No strange little jokes about taking over the world , maybe . I 'm going to show you some scenery from my currently favorite nature park . This top picture shows a well defined nature trail that winds right next to a good sized slope that leads down to the lake . Walking over to the edge , we would see that it is way too steep to travel down that way without a lot of effort . I haven 't done it yet , but I will one day . You also get a good view of the lake , and a pretty good idea of how big it is . It 's not a very big lake , but it makes up for it with the amount of animal activity that it has . I think that 's why I like this park so much ; there are just so many animals here . And just when I think I 've seen them all , something new shows up . I 'm getting to that point again now . Here is a view that I haven 't shown you since the middle of last winter . There was snow everywhere then , but I was still very fascinated with this place . I had just discovered this park , and I couldn 't wait for the weather to warm up to explore the place . That walkway and that platform down there is like a playground . I wrote about it back then because I was so delighted to find it . It 's like a bridge but better in some ways . It 's the fishing platform where I take a lot of pictures from . I 've had very many good water bird sightings from there . The sign says Carpenter Lake , if you were wondering . I was standing right behind a bench that is there to look out at the lake . A nice peaceful spot . I keep trying to get a good picture of this big old tree , but I still haven 't quite found the one I 'm looking for . This tree marks the place where I first begin to feel I 'm truly in the forest . In the spring this whole area is under water . That 's when the frogs come out . You can hear what sounds like thousands of them . I 'll record them for you next spring . That 's it for this time I guess . One of these next times I think I should show you a short video of what it 's like to walk through here . In the meantime I still have to make my plans to TAKE OVER TH . . . Just kidding . Maybe next time . Have you ever seen an animal that could walk on water ? I think I have brought you something completely unique today . Do you see that animal in the center of the photo ? It really is walking on water down there . Well , the water happens to be frozen , but it 's still technically the truth , kind of . Here he stopped with his nose right on the ice . He didn 't seem to be very worried that the ice might break under him , but he was being very careful not to let his feet slide out from under him . I don 't think I 've ever seen a squirrel walking around on the ice of a lake before . It must have been done before , but who has ever seen something like this ? I think I finally solved this little mystery . It looks as if this squirrel was looking for wetter , more liquid spots on the ice so he could get a drink of water . It looked like he was kneeling down and licking the ice so he could get a drink . That 's a very smart idea for this little squirrel . I watched as he finally turned and moved back to dry land at the edge of the lake , only to venture out once again . The last I saw of him , he was walking up the middle of the river that feeds this lake . This is the first squirrel I ever saw that liked the ice this much , or I guess at all . That 's one strange squirrel . I wish I had time to get a video of this squirrel , but I can 't always do it . I 'm just happy I was able to get these pictures . They 're some of my new favorites . With that , I am out of here for today . I 'll be going back to work on my evil plan for world domination until my next post . I wonder if that will ever work out for me . . . It seems that my games are just too easy for you . That 's not necessarily a bad thing , but I think I 'll have to make the next one just a little bit more of a challenge . Easy is fun , but sometimes a good challenge makes the solution to a game even more satisfying when you find it . Yup , the next one will be a bit harder . As you might have guessed , the picture above is the bird we were all looking for . It is indeed a heron . It could indeed be an egret , but an egret is just another kind of heron . The strange thing about all of this is that this bird was able to hide from me much beter than it hid from you . When I actually took these pictures I was so busy concentrating on the cormorant that I never saw this other bird there . I wish I did because I would have considered it an even greater prize right then . The cormorants were out there almost every day , but these birds were much rarer for me . The funny thing was that I did see it earlier but I thought it was gone . Here 's the same picture I showed you yesterday . I circled the heron for you so you could identify it even easier . And now you know for sure that it 's right where you thought it was . You won ! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back . You deserve it . Go on , I 'll wait . . . There you go . Isn 't victory satisfying ? I mentioned yesterday that I found the heron in this picture by accident . You see , I have a program that rotates my computer 's desktop background between all of the pictures I 've taken . This one just happened to come up . I happened to look at it and I saw that other bird lurking back there behind the hanging branches . The surprise of seeing that bird hiding back there was what convinced me to make a game out of it . I guess I should have known that if it was that easy for me to see the bird then you would get it without a problem . I guess its back to the drawing board . My evil plan of world domination will have to wait until the next game . Do you see that almost white colored blob floating there in the middle of this picture ? That is the same hiding bird , only this time it was flying right past me . It was maybe fifteen minutes earlier , and I was standing right across the lake from where it was hiding in the other picture . If only I would have waited . This story is told so I guess that 's it for today . I 'll be back tomorrow with something more current . In the meantime I 'll be coming up with a new plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD ! ! ! Haa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! ! ! After thinking for quite some time that it has been long overdue to have another game here , I couldn 't come up with one no matter how hard I tried . Then as I looked at this picture that magically appeared as my computer 's desktop background , I found the right game for you . It 's , uh , in this picture ! I know ! I didn 't believe it myself when I first saw it , but this picture from last summer makes an excellent game . What is the game ? Well , there is a bird in this picture and I want you to find it . No , it 's not that cormorant that 's sitting right in the middle of the picture . There is another bird in this picture . That 's the one you need to find . Let me tell you how the game works . There is a second bird somewhere in this picture , one that is not that cormorant . What you have to do is find that bird , then you have to possibly guess what kind of bird it is . You can click on the picture to get a better look . After you think you 've figured it out , just leave a comment telling me where the bird is and what the bird is . To make it a little bit easier , I can tell you that I have featured this hidden bird a few times before on this blog . You will definitely know if you see this bird , so you don 't have to worry that the game might be hard . You also don 't necessarily have to know the technical name of the bird , just describe it if you have to , I 'll know if you got it . If somebody else already answered the same thing , you can still answer it too . Remember , the games here are just for fun , they 're no big deal . The most fun though is to play , and for everyone to see what you 've guessed . That 's the game . If you have any questions , I 'll try to answer them promptly this afternoon . I 'll see you here then . ( One final note . I 'm postponing the poll results until some time this weekend . The poll results posts are difficult for me to write , and I just don 't have a lot of time right now . I 'm trying to catch up with everything on here right now , like comments , and I 've been very limited on time . Missing just one day here puts me very far behind , so I 'm desperately trying to catch up . Hopefully I can get caught back up within a few more days . ) On a clear day the birds come out . We don 't have to many of those right now , clear days or birds , so I have to take advantage of the situation whenever I can . I was lucky enough to find this European Starling right outside my house . It 's the first time I have been able to do that . They usually fly away too soon . I 've seen pictures of these starlings before but I never thought I 'd actually see one . When I walked out my front door I heard birds singing in the trees . I still didn 't expect them to stay long enough for me to get any pictures , but as I got closer to my truck I realized that they weren 't leaving . I was lucky enough to have my camera already in my hand because I was headed to the hiking trails . It was easy enough to turn on the camera and start taking pictures . The only problem was that I forgot that I had the lighting set for taking pictures in the woods . After several pictures I changed the setting . I decided that since this was the first starling I 've seen I 'd do a little bit of research . I thought I 'd find some of the regular fun bird information that I find all the time , but what I really found wasn 't necessarily very good . These starlings aren 't considered to be very nice birds at all . It seems that starlings are immigrants to this country , like most of the people here . As their name indicates , they originally come from Europe , where over hundreds of years they adapted to living in and around human settlements . In 1890 one hundred starlings were brought here and released in Central Park in New York City . Since then they 've spread over most of North America . These birds allegedly group together in large hordes and have the capability of ruining everything in their path . They steal the homes of other birds , they eat and spoil the food of cattle , they damage crops , and they are very difficult to drive away . That 's not a pretty picture at all . But their is a good side to them . Insects . Insects are considered to be much greater pests than these starlings , and the starlings eat them . They eat insects like locusts and ground beetles , which cause much more destruction than them , so the final verdict on these birds is that the good they do outweighs the damage . So I guess there is a happy ending to the legend of these birds . You might have noticed that these last two pictures are a little brighter than the first two . As I said above , I had to make an adjustment with the camera . The first two pictures were good so I decided to include them anyway . You can get a good look at the birds by clicking on any of the pictures though . And finally in this last picture you can see the bird from the back . Notice all of the tiny white speckles all over it . This is what always fascinated me about starlings . Maybe that 's how they got their name . All of those tiny speckles look like stars at night . Maybe . Maybe not . I told you yesterday that the poll results had a small chance of being delayed again . That small chance turned into this flock of European starlings , so hopefully I 'll have the poll results tomorrow . I also have some other things to catch up on around here , and I 'll see if I can do that in the next few days . Talk to you then . I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah ! |
" If you see Mr . Schaeffer , give him this , " he said . " It 's my brother - in - law 's address . I haven 't settled on a hotel yet . " He was not really disappointed to find Paris was so empty . But the stillness in the Ritz bar was strange and portentous . It was not an American bar any more - he felt polite in it , and not as if he owned it . It had gone back into France . He felt the stillness from the moment he got out of the taxi and saw the doorman , usually in a frenzy of activity at this hour , gossiping with a chasseur by the servants ' entrance . Passing through the corridor , he heard only a single , bored voice in the once - clamorous women 's room . When he turned into the bar he travelled the twenty feet of green carpet with his eyes fixed straight ahead by old habit ; and then , with his foot firmly on the rail , he turned and surveyed the room , encountering only a single pair of eyes that fluttered up from a newspaper in the corner . Charlie asked for the head barman , Paul , who in the latter days of the bull market had come to work in his own custom - built car - disembarking , however , with due nicety at the nearest corner . But Paul was at his country house today and Alix giving him information . " I haven 't been to America for months . I 'm in business in Prague , representing a couple of concerns there . They don 't know about me down there . " Alix lowered his voice confidentially : " He 's in Paris , but he doesn 't come here any more . Paul doesn 't allow it . He ran up a bill of thirty thousand francs , charging all his drinks and his lunches , and usually his dinner , for more than a year . And when Paul finally told him he had to pay , he gave him a bad check . " " Nothing affects them , " he thought . " Stocks rise and fall , people loaf or work , but they go on forever . " The place oppressed him . He called for the dice and shook with Alix for the drink . Outside , the fire - red , gas - blue , ghost - green signs shone smokily through the tranquil rain . It was late afternoon and the streets were in movement ; the bistros gleamed . At the corner of the Boulevard des Capucines he took a taxi . The Place de la Concorde moved by in pink majesty ; they crossed the logical Seine , and Charlie felt the sudden provincial quality of the Left Bank . Charlie directed his taxi to the Avenue de l ' Opera , which was out of his way . But he wanted to see the blue hour spread over the magnificent façade , and imagine that the cab horns , playing endlessly the first few bars of La Plus que Lent , were the trumpets of the Second Empire . They were closing the iron grill in front of Brentano 's Book - store , and people were already at dinner behind the trim little bourgeois hedge of Duval 's . He had never eaten at a really cheap restaurant in Paris . Five - course dinner , four francs fifty , eighteen cents , wine included . For some odd reason he wished that he had . He was thirty - five , and good to look at . The Irish mobility of his face was sobered by a deep wrinkle between his eyes . As he rang his brother - in - law 's bell in the Rue Palatine , the wrinkle deepened till it pulled down his brows ; he felt a cramping sensation in his belly . From behind the maid who opened the door darted a lovely little girl of nine who shrieked " Daddy ! " and flew up , struggling like a fish , into his arms . She pulled his head around by one ear and set her cheek against his . She drew him into the salon , where the family waited , a boy and girl his daughter 's age , his sister - in - law and her husband . He greeted Marion with his voice pitched carefully to avoid either feigned enthusiasm or dislike , but her response was more frankly tepid , though she minimized her expression of unalterable distrust by directing her regard toward his child . The two men clasped hands in a friendly way and Lincoln Peters rested his for a moment on Charlie 's shoulder . The room was warm and comfortably American . The three children moved intimately about , playing through the yellow oblongs that led to other rooms ; the cheer of six o ' clock spoke in the eager smacks of the fire and the sounds of French activity in the kitchen . But Charlie did not relax ; his heart sat up rigidly in his body and he drew confidence from his daughter , who from time to time came close to him , holding in her arms the doll he had brought . " Really extremely well , " he declared in answer to Lincoln 's question . " There 's a lot of business there that isn 't moving at all , but we 're doing even better than ever . In fact , damn well . I 'm bringing my sister over from America next month to keep house for me . My income last year was bigger than it was when I had money . You see , the Czechs - " Marion Peters came back from the kitchen . She was a tall woman with worried eyes , who had once possessed a fresh American loveliness . Charlie had never been sensitive to it and was always surprised when people spoke of how pretty she had been . From the first there had been an instinctive antipathy between them . " I 'm delighted , " Marion said vehemently . " Now at least you can go into a store without their assuming you 're a millionaire . We 've suffered like everybody , but on the whole it 's a good deal pleasanter . " " But it was nice while it lasted , " Charlie said . " We were a sort of royalty , almost infallible , with a sort of magic around us . In the bar this afternoon " - he stumbled , seeing his mistake - " there wasn 't a man I knew . " Her dislike was evident in the coldness with which she spoke , but Charlie only smiled ; he had larger plans . Her very aggressiveness gave him an advantage , and he knew enough to wait . He wanted them to initiate the discussion of what they knew had brought him to Paris . At dinner he couldn 't decide whether Honoria was most like him or her mother . Fortunate if she didn 't combine the traits of both that had brought them to disaster . A great wave of protectiveness went over him . He thought he knew what to do for her . He believed in character ; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element . Everything wore out . He left soon after dinner , but not to go home . He was curious to see Paris by night with clearer and more judicious eyes than those of other days . He bought a strapontin for the Casino and watched Josephine Baker go through her chocolate arabesques . After an hour he left and strolled toward Montmartre , up the Rue Pigalle into the Place Blanche . The rain had stopped and there were a few people in evening clothes disembarking from taxis in front of cabarets , and cocottes prowling singly or in pairs , and many Negroes . He passed a lighted door from which issued music , and stopped with the sense of familiarity ; it was Bricktop 's , where he had parted with so many hours and so much money . A few doors farther on he found another ancient rendezvous and incautiously put his head inside . Immediately an eager orchestra burst into sound , a pair of professional dancers leaped to their feet and a maître d ' hôtel swooped toward him , crying , " Crowd just arriving , sir ! " But he withdrew quickly . So much for the effort and ingenuity of Montmartre . All the catering to vice and waste was on an utterly childish scale , and he suddenly realized the meaning of the word " dissipate " - to dissipate into thin air ; to make nothing out of something . In the little hours of the night every move from place to place was an enormous human jump , an increase of paying for the privilege of slower and slower motion . He woke upon a fine fall day - football weather . The depression of yesterday was gone and he liked the people on the streets . At noon he sat opposite Honoria at Le Grand Vatel , the only restaurant he could think of not reminiscent of champagne dinners and long luncheons that began at two and ended in a blurred and vague twilight . " Well , you brought me this doll . " She had it with her . " And I 've got lots of things . And we 're not rich any more , are we ? " " I want to get to know you , " he said gravely . " First let me introduce myself . My name is Charles J . Wales , of Prague . " " My husband couldn 't come this year , " she said , in answer to his question . " We 're poor as hell . So he gave me two hundred a month and told me I could do my worst on that . . . . This your little girl ? " " Can 't do it . " He was glad for an excuse . As always , he felt Lorraine 's passionate , provocative attraction , but his own rhythm was different now . " Charlie , I believe you 're sober , " she said judicially . " I honestly believe he 's sober , Dunc . Pinch him and see if he 's sober . " " There ! That 's what I want to do , " Lorraine said . " I want to see some clowns and acrobats and jugglers . That 's just what we 'll do , Dunc . " At the Empire , Honoria proudly refused to sit upon her father 's folded coat . She was already an individual with a code of her own , and Charlie was more and more absorbed by the desire of putting a little of himself into her before she crystallized utterly . It was hopeless to try to know her in so short a time . " Of course I do . But you won 't always like me best , honey . You 'll grow up and meet somebody your own age and go marry him and forget you ever had a daddy . " They were waiting . Marion sat behind the coffee service in a dignified black dinner dress that just faintly suggested mourning . Lincoln was walking up and down with the animation of one who had already been talking . They were as anxious as he was to get into the question . He opened it almost immediately : " I 'm awfully anxious to have a home , " he continued . " And I 'm awfully anxious to have Honoria in it . I appreciate your taking in Honoria for her mother 's sake , but things have changed now " - he hesitated and then continued more forcibly - " changed radically with me , and I want to ask you to reconsider the matter . It would be silly for me to deny that about three years ago I was acting badly - " " - but all that 's over . As I told you , I haven 't had more than a drink a day for over a year , and I take that drink deliberately , so that the idea of alcohol won 't get too big in my imagination . You see the idea ? " " Something like that . Sometimes I forget and don 't take it . But I try to take it . Anyhow , I couldn 't afford to drink in my position . The people I represent are more than satisfied with what I 've done , and I 'm bringing my sister over from Burlington to keep house for me , and I want awfully to have Honoria too . You know that even when her mother and I weren 't getting along well we never let anything that happened touch Honoria . I know she 's fond of me and I know I 'm able to take care of her and - well , there you are . How do you feel about it ? " Lincoln spoke first : " We 've been talking it over ever since we got your letter last month . We 're happy to have Honoria here . She 's a dear little thing , and we 're glad to be able to help her , but of course that isn 't the question - " " My duty is entirely to Helen , " she said . " I try to think what she would have wanted me to do . Frankly , from the night you did that terrible thing you haven 't really existed for me . I can 't help that . She was my sister . " After a moment 's silence Lincoln said : " We 're getting off the subject . You want Marion to set aside her legal guardianship and give you Honoria . I think the main point for her is whether she has confidence in you or not . " " I don 't blame Marion , " Charlie said slowly , " but I think she can have entire confidence in me . I had a good record up to three years ago . Of course , it 's within human possibilities I might go wrong any time . But if we wait much longer I 'll lose Honoria 's childhood and my chance for a home . " He shook his head , " I 'll simply lose her , don 't you see ? " " I suppose I did , from time to time , but Helen and I were getting along badly . When I consented to the guardianship , I was flat on my back in a sanitarium and the market had cleaned me out . I knew I 'd acted badly , and I thought if it would bring any peace to Helen , I 'd agree to anything . But now it 's different . I 'm functioning , I 'm behaving damn well , so far as - " He looked at her , startled . With each remark the force of her dislike became more and more apparent . She had built up all her fear of life into one wall and faced it toward him . This trivial reproof was possibly the result of some trouble with the cook several hours before . Charlie became increasingly alarmed at leaving Honoria in this atmosphere of hostility against himself ; sooner or later it would come out , in a word here , a shake of the head there , and some of that distrust would be irrevocably implanted in Honoria . But he pulled his temper down out of his face and shut it up inside him ; he had won a point , for Lincoln realized the absurdity of Marion 's remark and asked her lightly since when she had objected to the word " damn . " " Another thing , " Charlie said : " I 'm able to give her certain advantages now . I 'm going to take a French governess to Prague with me . I 've got a lease on a new apartment - " " I suppose you can give her more luxuries than we can , " said Marion . " When you were throwing away money we were living along watching every ten francs . . . . I suppose you 'll start doing it again . " " Oh , no , " he said . " I 've learned . I worked hard for ten years , you know - until I got lucky in the market , like so many people . Terribly lucky . It didn 't seem any use working any more , so I quit . It won 't happen again . " There was a long silence . All of them felt their nerves straining , and for the first time in a year Charlie wanted a drink . He was sure now that Lincoln Peters wanted him to have his child . " I can 't help what I think ! " she cried out suddenly . " How much you were responsible for Helen 's death , I don 't know . It 's something you 'll have to square with your own conscience . " " Do what you like ! " she cried , springing up from her chair . " She 's your child . I 'm not the person to stand in your way . I think if it were my child I 'd rather see her - " She managed to check herself . " You two decide it . I can 't stand this . I 'm sick . I 'm going to bed . " He was still trembling when he reached the street , but a walk down the Rue Bonaparte to the quais set him up , and as he crossed the Seine , fresh and new by the quai lamps , he felt exultant . But back in his room he couldn 't sleep . The image of Helen haunted him . Helen whom he had loved so until they had senselessly begun to abuse each other 's love , tear it into shreds . On that terrible February night that Marion remembered so vividly , a slow quarrel had gone on for hours . There was a scene at the Florida , and then he attempted to take her home , and then she kissed young Webb at a table ; after that there was what she had hysterically said . When he arrived home alone he turned the key in the lock in wild anger . How could he know she would arrive an hour later alone , that there would be a snowstorm in which she wandered about in slippers , too confused to find a taxi ? Then the aftermath , her escaping pneumonia by a miracle , and all the attendant horror . They were " reconciled , " but that was the beginning of the end , and Marion , who had seen with her own eyes and who imagined it to be one of many scenes from her sister 's martyrdom , never forgot . Going over it again brought Helen nearer , and in the white , soft light that steals upon half sleep near morning he found himself talking to her again . She said that he was perfectly right about Honoria and that she wanted Honoria to be with him . She said she was glad he was being good and doing better . She said a lot of other things - very friendly things - but she was in a swing in a white dress , and swinging faster and faster all the time , so that at the end he could not hear clearly all that she said . He woke up feeling happy . The door of the world was open again . He made plans , vistas , futures for Honoria and himself , but suddenly he grew sad , remembering all the plans he and Helen had made . She had not planned to die . The present was the thing - work to do and someone to love . But not to love too much , for he knew the injury that a father can do to a daughter or a mother to a son by attaching them too closely : afterward , out in the world , the child would seek in the marriage partner the same blind tenderness and , failing probably to find it , turn against love and life . It was another bright , crisp day . He called Lincoln Peters at the bank where he worked and asked if he could count on taking Honoria when he left for Prague . Lincoln agreed that there was no reason for delay . One thing - the legal guardianship . Marion wanted to retain that a while longer . She was upset by the whole matter , and it would oil things if she felt that the situation was still in her control for another year . Charlie agreed , wanting only the tangible , visible child . Then the question of a governess . Charlie sat in a gloomy agency and talked to a cross Béarnaise and to a buxom Breton peasant , neither of whom he could have endured . There were others whom he would see tomorrow . " There 's another thing . " Lincoln hesitated . " While you and Helen were tearing around Europe throwing money away , we were just getting along . I didn 't touch any of the prosperity because I never got ahead enough to carry anything but my insurance . I think Marion felt there was some kind of injustice in it - you not even working toward the end , and getting richer and richer . " " Yes , a lot of it stayed in the hands of chasseurs and saxophone players and maîtres d ' hôtel - well , the big party 's over now . I just said that to explain Marion 's feeling about those crazy years . If you drop in about six o ' clock tonight before Marion 's too tired , we 'll settle the details on the spot . " DEAR CHARLIE : You were so strange when we saw you the other day that I wondered if I did something to offend you . If so , I 'm not conscious of it . In fact , I have thought about you too much for the last year , and it 's always been in the back of my mind that I might see you if I came over here . We did have such good times that crazy spring , like the night you and I stole the butcher 's tricycle , and the time we tried to call on the president and you had the old derby rim and the wire cane . Everybody seems so old lately , but I don 't feel old a bit . Couldn 't we get together some time today for old time 's sake ? I 've got a vile hang - over for the moment , but will be feeling better this afternoon and will look for you about five in the sweat - shop at the Ritz . Always devotedly , LORRAINE . His first feeling was one of awe that he had actually , in his mature years , stolen a tricycle and pedalled Lorraine all over the Étoile between the small hours and dawn . In retrospect it was a nightmare . Locking out Helen didn 't fit in with any other act of his life , but the tricycle incident did - it was one of many . How many weeks or months of dissipation to arrive at that condition of utter irresponsibility ? He tried to picture how Lorraine had appeared to him then - very attractive ; Helen was unhappy about it , though she said nothing . Yesterday , in the restaurant , Lorraine had seemed trite , blurred , worn away . He emphatically did not want to see her , and he was glad Alix had not given away his hotel address . It was a relief to think , instead , of Honoria , to think of Sundays spent with her and of saying good morning to her and of knowing she was there in his house at night , drawing her breath in the darkness . He saw , when he arrived in the apartment , that Marion had accepted the inevitable . She greeted him now as though he were a recalcitrant member of the family , rather than a menacing outsider . Honoria had been told she was going ; Charlie was glad to see that her tact made her conceal her excessive happiness . Only on his lap did she whisper her delight and the question " When ? " before she slipped away with the other children . " Family quarrels are bitter things . They don 't go according to any rules . They 're not like aches or wounds ; they 're more like splits in the skin that won 't heal because there 's not enough material . I wish you and I could be on better terms . " " Some things are hard to forget , " she answered . " It 's a question of confidence . " There was no answer to this and presently she asked , " When do you propose to take her ? " It was warm here , it was a home , people together by a fire . The children felt very safe and important ; the mother and father were serious , watchful . They had things to do for the children more important than his visit here . A spoonful of medicine was , after all , more important than the strained relations between Marion and himself . They were not dull people , but they were very much in the grip of life and circumstances . He wondered if he couldn 't do something to get Lincoln out of his rut at the bank . A long peal at the door - bell ; the bonne à tout faire passed through and went down the corridor . The door opened upon another long ring , and then voices , and the three in the salon looked up expectantly ; Lincoln moved to bring the corridor within his range of vision , and Marion rose . Then the maid came back along the corridor , closely followed by the voices , which developed under the light into Duncan Schaeffer and Lorraine Quarrles . They both slid down another cascade of laughter . Anxious and at a loss , Charlie shook hands with them quickly and presented them to Lincoln and Marion . Marion nodded , scarcely speaking . She had drawn back a step toward the fire ; her little girl stood beside her , and Marion put an arm about her shoulder . This made no impression . Lorraine sat down suddenly on the side of a chair , and focussing her eyes on Richard , cried , " Oh , what a nice little boy ! Come here , little boy . " Richard glanced at his mother , but did not move . With a perceptible shrug of her shoulders , Lorraine turned back to Charlie : Her voice became suddenly unpleasant . " All right , we 'll go . But I remember once when you hammered on my door at four A . M . I was enough of a good sport to give you a drink . Come on , Dunc . " " What an outrage ! " Charlie broke out . " What an absolute outrage ! " Neither of them answered . Charlie dropped into an armchair , picked up his drink , set it down again and said : Left alone , Charlie sat tense in his chair . In the next room he could hear the children eating , talking in monosyllables , already oblivious to the scene between their elders . He heard a murmur of conversation from a farther room and then the ticking bell of a telephone receiver picked up , and in a panic he moved to the other side of the room and out of earshot . In a minute Lincoln came back . " Look here , Charlie . I think we 'd better call off dinner for tonight . Marion 's in bad shape . " Charlie got up . He took his coat and hat and started down the corridor . Then he opened the door of the dining room and said in a strange voice , " Good night , children . " Charlie went directly to the Ritz bar with the furious idea of finding Lorraine and Duncan , but they were not there , and he realized that in any case there was nothing he could do . He had not touched his drink at the Peters ' , and now he ordered a whisky - and - soda . Paul came over to say hello . " It 's a great change , " he said sadly . " We do about half the business we did . So many fellows I hear about back in the States lost everything , maybe not in the first crash , but then in the second . Your friend George Hardt lost every cent , I hear . Are you back in the States ? " " Marion 's sick , " Lincoln answered shortly . " I know this thing isn 't altogether your fault , but I can 't have her go to pieces about it . I 'm afraid we 'll have to let it slide for six months ; I can 't take the chance of working her up to this state again . " He went back to his table . His whisky glass was empty , but he shook his head when Alix looked at it questioningly . There wasn 't much he could do now except send Honoria some things ; he would send her a lot of things tomorrow . He thought rather angrily that this was just money - he had given so many people money . . . . He would come back some day ; they couldn 't make him pay forever . But he wanted his child , and nothing was much good now , beside that fact . He wasn 't young any more , with a lot of nice thoughts and dreams to have by himself . He was absolutely sure Helen wouldn 't have wanted him to be so alone . |
It all started off perfect . Little Love loaded ( you should have seen the look on Jean - Claude 's face when I just let her lose and she walked in : - ) she traveled well despite the fact that Jean - Claude , the driver , was definitely driving too fast ( I told him to slow down at least 4 times in the first five minutes . . . ) . Luckily most of the trip was on freeway . . . Then we got to the Swiss German border and things started happening . Turned out , despite all my efforts , I did NOT have the right papers . Now this is not about the vet papers , nobody cared about those , nor did they care about the horse . I could have had five goats in the trailer all they cared . This was about the Swiss customs and letting me leave the country with my horse . Apparently you don 't just leave ; they make you pay through the nose and then leave . I had called them , I had had my friend call them , I had printed out the papers and filled them out , I had researched the internet . But somehow it still was not right . They actually LAUGHED at me for trying to do it on my own . It looks like this is a company that has a monopoly on doing the paperwork and if you don 't do it through them , your screwed . An hour and fifteen minutes later ( no , I 'm not kidding ) I finally had the right document in my hand , was 440 Swiss francs poorer and nearly crying from frustration . Swiss people have never been known for their kindness towards foreigners but this topped every experience I have ever had concerning rudeness . The woman working my case made her point by moving as slowly as she could . She literally ( and I 'm not making this up ) typed my name into the system , then she leaned back in her chair , opened her desk drawer , pulled out a half eaten candy bar , slowly ate it , got up from her chair , walked over to the garbage bin , threw in the wrapper ( dramatically , mind you ) , slowly slid back into her chair , sighed and typed in my address . Now multiply that behavior by about a hundred . She sipped her coke . she ate candy , she talked on the phone four separate times , went to the bathroom and finally , when we were down at the GErman customs , left me there " just for five minutes " so she could walk over the street to get lunch at McDonalds . By the time she was done I was shaking from trying to hold back my rage knowing that Little Love was standing in the trailer this whole time . The fact that JEan - Claude hadn 't called me on my cell phone gave me some consolation that perhaps she hadn 't kicked down the door or broken her leg . German customs took all of five minutes . They didn 't care about the vet papers either . Why did I even botther getting them ? I rushed out of the building into the sunshine to discover my horse standing totally calm in the trailer , like there wasn 't a worry in the world . She looked at me through the crack in the window and her eyes were calm and trusting . I was so proud of her . I shoved a carrot through the crack and she took it with her lips . Fifteen minutes and more of JEan - Claude 's awful driving we were in France at the barn . Little Love came out of the trailer a picture of calmness . She went into a stall where she started eating . Then she told me about the dirty automatic water trough and once I cleaned it out , she drank readily . I took her out for a walk and let her graze for an hour , then took her into the arena for a roll . Perfect . At least my horse was calm . Because about three hourse later , shit hit the fan - big time . The German transport guy didn 't show up . My husband and son and two dogs showed up though , bless their hearts , all packed and ready to start the journey . Finally I managed to find the barn owner who called the German transporter , who informed him that he wasn 't coming until TOMORROW evening . What ? And then it would take him at least two days to get Little Love to Northern Germany because of all these other horses he had to take first . Talk about a feeling of panic . All our hotel reservations , plans etc . just went to hell . Not to mention Little Love 's ride to Finland . . . I called the Finnish transporter and he said she needed to be at his barn in Germany tomorrow evening or she missed the ride . SHIT . SHIT . SHIT . I got a number to a woman with a truck . She couldn 't do it until Saturday . Another person volunteered for Friday night , but that was still too late . Some lady gave us directions to another barn where we met a really nice woman who gave me another contact , but he couldn 't do it until Saturday either ( she found us a hotel though ! ) . I called my German speaking friend and she was shocked ( and pissed off ) She called the German transporter and he said he had had to stop for 16 hours because of the heat in Spain . Hello ? Could have let me f * * king know about that ! ! ! So , here I am , no ride to Northern Germany and soon no ride from there on after either . The worst part was that I have paid in advance ( 480 euro ) and when my German speaking friend asked about getting my money back THE GUY HUNG UP ON HER . Ok , sounds like I 'm done with this guy . So , I 'll loose the money , but I don 't think I want to trust my horse with him . Of course , at this point I wanted to kick myself . SInce Little Love was so good in the trailer , we could have totally driven in it all the way up to Northern Germany . Had I know that the German guy was coming late , I would have gone for it there and then . But I didn 't know that . So , what to do ? I called the Finnish guy back . He said he might have room in his truck going up on Monday . Then I called back this one lady I had talked to who has a two horse truck . She sounded so professional on the phone the first time around that I had a good feeling about her . I asked her if she was still available on Saturday . She said yes . So , I booked her . It will cost me another 1000 euro , but at this point I don 't care . The Finnish guy said not to worry about Little Love , they will take care of her at the barn after I have to leave , even if she doesn 't fit onto the Monday truck . They 'll put her out , feed her , whatever . I do trust him , he sounds like someone with a brain . Now that we 'll be going up on Saturday , I 'll be able to be there until Sunday morning with her . Unfortunately tomorrow when the German transporter arrives , I 'll have to deal with him with my bad German . Mainly I have to make sure he understand that I DO NOT WANT him to take my horse anywhere . Can you imaging how tired I am right now ? There are no words to describe my exhaustion . The only really good thing about this day is Little Love . She has been AMAZING . So calm , so collected , so trusting . I hope this continues on Saturday morning when she has to get on the transport on her own . Don 't know if she has ever been in one of those small trucks , but I guess there is a first time for everything . In any case , we will get her on , one way or another . But now , my dear readers , I have to go to bed before I completely lose it . Thank you for your manifesting , obviously Little Love is listening to all of it , even if the rest of the universe around us is not ! I can 't believe that in less than 8 hours Little Love and I will be on the road . At this point I 'm so tired that I don 't even know how to be nervous . But I 'm sure that will change tomorrow morning when we are about to leave . We have a some trying days ahead of us , but hopefully all goes well and Little Love arrives safe and sound in Finland . She certainly seems more calm before the storm than I do . Packing up the house has not been a walk in the park . Today , when I drove to the barn ( via the vets to get the famous papers , they charged me almost 190 francs for that - this is about 190 US dollars . . . ) , I could feel the tension in my shoulders . I have been pretty stressed out lately . But , when I got to the barn and took one look at my horse , it was all gone . I just spent some time with her , soaking her feet and watching her eat . She was a picture of zen . I will hold onto that picture tomorrow . Her old owner stopped by to give her some carrots . After the carrots were gone , Little Love pinned her ears back like she was going to bite the lady . I guess old habits die hard . I could tell that her old owner was dissappointed that Little Love didn 't seem to remember her . At least not in the way she wanted to be remembered . It is sad how those two never really met on good terms . The woman really wanted to have this idyllic relationship with her horse , but went about it all the wrong ways . Perhaps some day she will find her dream with another horse . Wish me luck for tomorrow . Or better yet , manifest for Little Love to stay calm and present during her journey . And for her to walk into all those horse transports like she has done it all her life . I 'll count my gray hairs when I get to Finland ! PS . If I get anywhere near a computer on my way through Europe , I will be sure to post updates ! Well , if one thing is sure , it is that Little Love 's travel papers are a nightmare . I had a long talk with the vet 's office today and it was pretty frustrating . After the conversation I was really freaking out because the way the lady put it , it seemed like I would have to call a vet out every time I changed countries . Which didn 't make any sense because one good thing about EU is that you don 't have to do that . I called the Finnish transporter guy and told him what the vet said . He laughed out loud . I 'm not kidding . He told me to just let them make the papers the way they want to make them . Then he told me not to worry . According to him , once the horse is in the European Union and has a health certificate that is valid for ten days , she is set . He should know , he transports horses for a living . So , I 'm just going to go with what he says and hope that my horse won 't get stuck anywhere in Europe . I guess we 'll find out in a few days if that was a good idea or not ! Becky is living proof that people can evolve , even then they don 't really want to ! Last night Becky did the unthinkable : she let the horses stay outside in the pasture the entire night . I don 't know how long I have been talking about this , but it has been a while . Then Jean - Claude came along and told her that his horse lived outside 24 / 7 at the moment and that he would like that to continue at her place . I asked her then and there , what it was she was so afraid of . She couldn 't even look me in the eye , the subject was so difficult . After a long while she said that initially she was afraid Col would just eat and eat and get all crazy and she wouldn 't be able to ride him . But she is no longer afraid of that . Then she said that it freaked her out to think of how dark it was out there and that they wouldn 't be able to see . I listened to her and did my best to understand . It had been really , really hot here for the past few days and it is suposed to get even hotter . The bugs flock around the horses like bees around honey and neither of them want to put a foot out of the barn during the day . Can 't blame them . I reminded Becky of this and also said that really , being outside at night in the cool air would be the best thing that ever happened to Col and Little Love at this point . They could always come inside , as the door is always open . At 10 pm BEcky sent me a text message telling me she was going to go for it . The horses were in the field at that point , happy as clams . I sent her encouraging words , hoping it would help her stick to her guns . And she did . When she went into the barn in the morning , the horses were still outside , enjoying every minute of the cool , nearly bug - free time in the field . I was happy to hear Little Love had been outside at night , because she has always been quite afraid in the dark . But I guess it is different when you have a human sitting atop , riding you down a trail , steering you every which way . I think I might be scared in the dark in that situation , too . But I am so proud of Becky ! She didn 't get a lot of sleep , but she also didn 't run out into the field in her pj 's at two in the morning and bring the horses inside . She is a good example of self - control , because apparently it had crossed her mind during the night more than once . : - ) Jean - Claude visited today with his horse , Dakota , and he was happy to hear of this new development ( Becky was beaming from all the praise ) . I think he is going to be a good influence . Posted by So . . . in the middle of all this , I forgot it was Mid Summer Night on Friday . This is the other day of the year when the entire country shuts down ( the other being Christmas ) . So I couldn 't call the Finnish authories to talk to them about the paper work . Will do that first thing tomorrow morning . I did , however , research it all over again on the internet and came to the same conclusion as before : it should be possible to fix Lilo 's papers so that they are valid all the way through to Finland . My German friend called the transporter man and he said it would be alright to do the papers for Germany , instead of France ( because this seemed to be a big issue for the vets ) . He told me to drive into Germany and then take a left and drive into France ( the three borders are very close ) . When you cross over the border from Germany to France , it 's no big deal , they won 't apparently even look at your horse . And if they do , all they want to see is the passport . Which we have . This because both countries are in the European Union . I believe the guy , since I know people who travel with their horses all the time in Europe , and there is really never any border control . With that in mind I called the vet office . I decided to brave them myself with my French . I didn 't talk to the vet , but someone else who was happy to hear I was going to cross the border into Germany instead of France . I didn 't mention a word about France . : - ) She kept telling me that they could only put one name down as the " shipper " , but then when I really pressed her about the paperwork , she admitted that there were several spaces to write car license plate numbers . Hallelujah ! I told her that we could write me as the " shipper " and then just list all the differnt trucks . I promised to confirm this from Finland on Monday . Hope I can find someone there who knows everything about the TRACES papers and how to fill them out . But then I got to thinking that if they really don 't know a thing about this paper work at this vet office , can they really be authorized to do the paperwork ? The thing is , not just any vet can do the papers , it has to be a state autorized vet with a special stamp . I tried to find the list of the authorized vets online but couldn 't . But I did find the telephone number to the cantonal vet 's office . So , I 'm calling them on Monday , too , just to check I 'm working with people who have the official stamp . Because , without the official stamp , I 'm not going over the border with that horse . . . At this point I am so paranoid I just want to cover my back as much as I can . Little Love on the other hand is doing fine . She seems content and ready to go . I 'm happy to report she has been in heat this week , which is a good thing , because it means she won 't be in heat when we leave ( separation anxiety is always heightened then ) . Jean - Claude , the man who will bring his horse to replace Lilo , will be driving me to Germany / France on Thursday morning . He came over today to check that the electricals on the trailer work with his car . They did . So we are set on that front . I 'm happy he is taking me . I 've only met the guy twice , but he is really calm and very , very intuitive with the horses . Actually , he 's the first guy Little Love has ever accepted , no questions asked . When I watch him with the animals , horses and dogs alike , I can see he is talking to them silently and they are listening and talking back . Today he told Little Love he was going to take her up to Germany / France on Thursday . Just the fact that he took the time to tell her that speaks volumes of how this guy operates . I 'm sorry I will not get to know him better since I 'm moving ! So , the good news is that I was able to resolve the transportation issue . The German guy said he had a truck going up on the 30th , which is next Thursday , and Little Love could hop on that one . Wow . In a week . He said she would be up in nothern Germany either evening of the 1st or morning of the 2nd , depending when they stopped for a break . Sounded good to me . I even confirmed with the Finnish transporter guy and he said he would be up in northern Germany waiting for Little Love at that point . Since our own boat from Germany to Finland doesn 't leave until the 4th , that would mean that most likely Little Love would arrive in Finland before me . Not ideal , but since I have some horse savvy friends in Finland whom I trust 100 % , I know she will be alright . I still need to finalize the details of the actual trailering over the Swiss border , but I have someone lined up for that job , he just hasn 't confirmed . Last night I get an email from my vet , telling me that the veterinary office she has refered me to for the papers said they can 't make the papers for Little Love all the way to Finland . Instead , they would give her papers to go to France , but then I would have to get another vet to look at her again and redo the papers for her to enter Germany . So what this means is that when I trailer her to France to meet the German truck , we would be having a vet appointment in the middle of all this . Right . I just about split a vein in my head thinking about that . I 'm pretty sure the vet is not right , as I have researched this whole paper thing a million times and know exactly what papers need to be done . And the papers I 'm talking about would let Little Love depart Switzerland and travel through Europe for ten days . I lost some sleep over this ( naturally I got the email right when I was going to bed . . . ) and in the morning called a Swiss friend of mine and asked her to call the vet office . My French is alright , but it was crucial that I understood every word they were saying to get this right . My friend called them , but she was left just as confused as I was . She said they really didn 't make a lot of sense . I 'm starting to think I can 't trust that vet office . They seem to think that the problem is the France bit . If I were to go straight to Germany , it would be easy as pie ( but both countries are in the EU , which has an agreement between countries . . . ) The bottom line is that they still don 't think they can make the papers all the way to Finland because of the several transportation vehicles , but that someone going straight to German would be better than going to France . All this makes no sense . I can 't begin to tell you how frustrated I am at this point . I went back to the Finnish customs pages and they clearly tell you that horses can travel in the European Union ( including Switzerland , even though it 's not EU ) ten days with these papers called TRACES . So what the heck is the problem ? ? AAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh . This can 't be happening . So , at the moment I 'm trying not to hyperventilate . Tomorrow I 'll call the Finnish authorities and ask them a gazillion questions about having several transportation vehicles , passing through several countries etc etc . Maybe I can get answers there . I also need to talk to another vet here in Switzerland . From my German speaking friend I heard that her vet apparently made the papers for a mutual friend of ours when she left a while back to go to Sweden with her horses . Perhaps I need to call this vet instead and see what his story is . I don 't have much time , as she is sipposed to leave on Thursday . Will she make it ? At this point it 's a crap shoot . PS . My vet has known for over a month about my travel plans . Don 't you just find it wonderful that she decided to tell me NOW , less than a week before Little Love and I are leaving , that she can 't help me with the papers ? Unreal . So today ( as I 'm getting ready to go to the airport to fly to Finland , yet again , this time to sign important papers ) I get a message from the German transporter via my German speaking friend that he will be picking up Little Love from our meeting point in France on the 4th of July . What ? ! ! ! ! Didn 't I specifically inform him that she MUST leave no later than on the 3rd , because that is the day I MUST leave myself ( along with family ) so that we can make the boat in Northern Germany that will take us to Finland . I panicked . All my thoughts of being there for Little Love when she loaded into the truck in France , being there for her in Northern Germany at the barn so she would know I hadn 't abandoned her . . . all that was about to NOT happen . I would have to take her to France on the 3rd , leave her at a strange barn and trust that this German guy would pick her up the next morning and take her to the barn in Germany where she would reside for x amount of days - alone - just to be put in another truck days later . . . Call me a hysterical horse owner ( I think my husband is starting to get to the point that he will soon call me that . . . ) , but I was just not going to accept this . At first I thought that perhaps the best idea would be to get someone - a Swiss horse transport person - to take Little Love all the way to the German barn in his trailer / small truck . I knew it was an expensive option as I had researched it before , but at least I could be there for her when she loaded and when she arrived . But then I remembered how much she panicked being alone in the trailer . I also remembered how much she sweated when we brought her from her previous home to Becky 's barn . 30 minutes in the trailer and she was soaking wet . Would she sweat like that for ten hours straight ? Would she survive the trip if she did ? Those small trucks don 't have airconditioning either and Little Love doesn 't drink when she travels . Heck , she barely drinks 24 hours after she travels . At this point I recited a selection of several four letter words ( and some five letter Finnish ones as well ) and then called my two best friends . What would I do without my friends ? I 'd be in a nut house , I think . They managed to help me get a cleared picture of what was important and what not . Thank you ! ( you know who you are : - ) Finally I called my German speaking friend back and told her to talk to the German guy . My German is very elementary and this called for some major skills . Was the 4th REALLY the only option ? Turns out it wasn 't . She could also leave on the 30th . Which is like , um , next week Thurday . Wow . That is soon . But heck , I 'll take it . I could go up to France with her , see her off to Germany and meet her there . In fact , depending on the Finnish transporter guy , I could even hang out in Germany with her for a few days before my boat left . I did ask my husband if he was alright with it , and luckily he was : - ) Now I just have to get the okay from the Finnish guy . Keep your fingers crosses . But what comes to this drama . . . it was so unnecessary and I swear took at least a year off my life . And we haven 't even made it to the actual traveling part yet . I think I will need a glass of wine after this ordeal is over . Or perhaps a bottle . Today , when I was brushing Little Love outside , I got a call on my cell phone . I took the call , because it was from a young student of mine , who had some news about the regional floorball team try outs . He had made the team and could not wait to tell me about it . So , I listened to his account , but as I was in a bit of a hurry , I continued to brush Little Love , put her boots on and tack her up at the same time . How would you feel if you were out with your friend and in the middle of say dinner , she would suddenly start talking on her phone with someone else ? Not happy , is my guess . And that is exactly how Little Love felt , too . She pinned her ears back , she stomped her foot , she swished her tail , she yanked her foot out of my hand when I was picking the hooves . At that point I should have had the sense to walk away from her , but since I was more focused on the phone conversation , I kept on working around her . And it was a long conversation . By the time I was done talking on the phone , Little Love was tacked up and ready to go . But she was also so irritated with me that I took one look at her and decided that going out with her " alone " ( read : without Col ) would not be smart . So - I took Little Love into the arena , thinking she was anxious and overly energetic and that we needed to assess the situation before venturing out . The weather changed two days ago and after the rains set in , the temperatures had been much lower . Today there was also a fairly strong wind , which I immediately pegged down as another cause for Little Love 's " irritation " . Obviously I didn 't have the brain space at that moment to think very creatively . In the arena I asked Little Love to trot on the long rope . She literally looked at me and sighed , then started trotting around me with a sour face . I got a funny feeling in my chest , as if I had forgotten something important . At first I thought I was feeling nervous about going out with Little Love , but soon realized this was something else . Actually , the thought sort of hit me in the head like a tIf you are with Little Love , you need to be with her 100 % or not at all . This she has taught me in spades , as you know . Staying in the moment is paramount . When you are on the phone , staying in the moment becomes impossible . I believe I knew that , but somehow had forgotten it . Yet again . Obviously it was time for me to " relearn " it today . The realization of how rudely I had just treated my horse came over me like a huge wave . " I am so sorry , " I said out loud . " So , so sorry . I can 't believe I did that to you . " She licked her lips . I swear she was thinking " well duh , finally you have a clue ! " . I am a little dense at times . We walked out of the arena and through the gate . I felt a little nervous and I told Little Love that straight out . She told me to stop being such a basket case . And so I did : - ) We went out for 45 minutes and because of the cool weather and the strong wind , there were zero bugs . The sun was cracking open the clouds and it was absolutely beautiful . I had the saddle on , but never used it ; walking side by side was enough for both of us . When we came down to the edge of the forest , we jogged for about half a mile , the longest continuous " run " we have done together . Little Love stayed behind me , trotting slowly in my step . I have been sick with a sinus infection for weeks ( in fact , it still is sort of there ) and haven 't been able to run . It felt so good to run with my horse , I can 't even describe the feeling . It is my dream to some day be able to jog for miles with Little Love . It would be even better if she could be lose , running along with me without any restrictions . Maybe one day ? I will hold onto that dream . And what comes to phones and horses ? We so often don 't think twice when the phone rings and we are brushing a horse or riding it . I think next time I will not answer or perhaps just tell the caller that I can 't talk for long , because I 'm with my horse . Because , when I 'm with my horse , I want to be with her 100 % . She deserves nothing less . For as long as I have known Little Love , which is five years , she has never traveled in a trailer with another horse . However , I had a strong hunch that it would make all the difference . This is the reason I was hell bent on finding a big transporter to take her to Finland , because I knew that if she travelled alone , it would be highly stressful . Today I found out that my instinct was right . Becky and I had talked about putting Col into the trailer with Little Love , just to see if it made a difference . I knew this was the right thing to do , but the thought of it made me a bit nervous . What if she freaked out anyways . Or worse , what if she freaked out and got Col going , too ? On the other hand , there was a big chance it would work out brilliantly , since Col is a great traveler . The only way to find out was to do it . . . When I loaded Little Love into the trailer , Col was right behind her , ready to get in on the other side . Sometimes when you load Col , he stops on the ramp and says no . It 's not a freaky no , but rather a " show me the money " kind of no . He did the same thing today . Little Love was in the trailer eating her grain and Col had this look on his face : " Where 's my grain ? " I tossed Becky a second bucket we had prepared just in case , and that did it , Col walked in . Being in the trailer does not seem to bother Col one bit . Which is great for someone like Little Love . When Becky closed the back , she lifted her head up and looked back , but when she saw that Col couldn 't have cared less , she sighed and took a carrot from me . I kept breathing in and out , focusing on staying in my body , but I couldn 't help the adrenaline gushing into my blood . I can 't tell you how many time I muttered my " mantra " to myself ; If it 's not happening now , it 's not happening - If it 's not happening . . . It was completely silent in the trailer when we drove down the driveway ; the horses must have been standing stock still . Becky was driving and she takes all the turns extra slowly . Which is perfect for Little Love . We drove into the village , took a left turn around the block and came back . When we approached the driveway , there was a big truck in the middle of the road , so we had to stop to see what was going on . My heartrate kicked up a notch immediately and I listened for Little Love in the back . Nothing . Complete and utter silence . I got out to talk to the two men who were at the gate . Turned out they were there to work on Becky 's sewage tank . Great . How were we going to fit both the truck and our car / trailer combinating into the parking lot ? We drove up first and parked the trailer . The truck followed and the workers had to figure out where to put it . In awe I listened to my horse in the trailer - she was standing still . No calling , no pawing , no stomping her feet even though the car was parked and the engine was off . This was a miracle . We opened the upper part of the side door and Col stuck his head out . I could see Little Love 's ears , but that was it . We decided to take the horses out from the front because there was no room behind the trailer . This meant Col had to come out first . Little Love started pawing when she realized she was getting left behind , but as soon as Col was out I was able to undo her chest bar . She waited for the signal to move forward and then we walked out . Given , she was in a hurry to get out , but not at all in a panicky way . She was listening to me , she was controlling her own emotions , she was dealing with her fears . After we took the horses out , we walked them into the pasture and let them go . I can 't begin to tell you how happy I was , how relieved , how hopeful . I realize that in two weeks Little Love will have to travel three hours alone to France , but to know that she can be calm when traveling was a revelation for me . Perhaps , if we do this again with Col , she will have at leasPosted by Yesterday Becky and I went out together with the horses . I put the saddle on Little Love for the trot and canter parts , but I also wore my running shoes so I could walk most of the loop . We mostly walked for the hour we were out , but managed to squeeze in two short canters and a trot . The horses got really excited with the second canter down a short field , I wish it would have been a longer stretch so we could have let them really go . Today we had planned to go out again together , but Col had pulled a shoe last night in the pasture ( again . . . ) . I decided not to let that faze me and saddled Little Love up like planned . I don 't know why , but I felt like we needed to go out again , just the two of us . From the first moment we went out the gate , I was " in my zen " , staying in my body . It wasn 't so hard this time and Little Love 's calm demeanor made it a lot easier to stay calm myself . We took the same loop as yesterday with Becky and Col . The horse flies are now out and within ten minutes I was wondering if going out so late in the morning was such a good idea . I couldn 't help but think of all those times in her " previous life " when Little Love became agitated and nervous on a trail ride because of bugs ( she would just frantically run off ) . But then I brought myself back to this moment and to the one truth I swear I will live by when it comes to this horse i . e . " If it isn 't happening now , it isn 't happening . " So , I didn 't turn back . There were moments when it was nearly intolerable , but somehow we managed . I broke a branch off a bush and helped fend the biggest horse flies off ( some are the size of small birds , and I 'm not kidding ! ) . I could tell Little Love really appreciated the help . In fact , I think the fact that we were battling the bugs together sort of took her mind ( as well as mine : - ) off other things , such as the cows that had once again changed pastures and were now right by the road . She barely looked at them . I certainly didn 't have time to look at them . We made it around the whole loop and half way throughTomorrow I 'm going to the barn as early as possible when it 's not too hot . I think we won 't go out for a walk , but perhaps play in the arena for a while . Or maybe just soak the feet . The weather is supposed to change again and perhaps we 'll get some rain later in the day , which would be a welcome change . Little Love and Col are spending most of their days in their stalls ( their choice , since they have free rein of the place , but it 's the bugs . . . ) and I have been trying to talk to Becky about putting them out at night . Today when I brought it up over the phone , she made no comment . She doesn 't even change the subject , she simply just doesn 't say anything . So it 's really hard to know what is going on in her head . But I do know that the thought freaks her out . Unfortunately . She still has a blanket on Col at night , which I frankly don 't exactly understand since it is really muggy and hot . She did inform me that she left the other barn door open last night , which is an improvement and tonight she put the two horses out after " dinner " for a few hours until it got dark . Which is a start . I don 't think she knows anyone who has ever put their horse out at night , because usually in the traditional sport horse world horses are in their stalls when it 's dark . So this is really about the fear of the unknown , I suppose . Posted by Little Love is leaving the country in less than three weeks and I still don 't know her exact transport date . This is driving me absolutely nuts . Unfortunately this is how it goes in the European horse transportation world . They can give me a ballpark date ( read : which week it will be ) , but neither the German transport guy nor the Finnish guy can tell me exactly when my horse will be traveling until about a week before the actual travel date . Brilliant . This makes planning a living nightmare . Not only do I have no idea when I should call the vet out to do the paperwork which can only be done less than 48 hours before the travel , but I can 't plan my own departure . I also have to be on standby for taking Little Love to the French border in the trailer . Luckily I have the trailer and looks like I have several people who are willing to take me there , for free or for x amount of money . Depending on the day , of course . And then there is the matter of making sure we cross the border at a certain time so the French vet can take a look at the horse and the papers . . . . did I mention that while I might sort of speak French , reading and writing official documents is not exactly a walk in the park . AAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhh . This , of course , is all on top of packing our house , my son 's school ending , finalizing things in Switzerland such as ending all contracts with cell phone , home phones , tv , insurance . Not to mention buying a house in Finland and whatever else you can think of when moving from country to country . In the end , I 'm sure it will all work out , but at the moment I feel like I know exactly what being in limbo feels like . I don 't recommend this to anyone . Sigh . Once I know what day Little Love leaves , so many other things will fall in place , too . Then , when the ball starts rolling , I just have to figure out how to hold on to the little Zen that is left to get me through to the other side . I was afraid Little Love wouldn 't even go near the trailer today , but she did . She walked up the ramp confidently and went straight for the bucket . I closed the back bar and she was fine . Then I lifted the ramp up and she decided it was too much . She walked of the front of the trailer and stopped to look at me . I put the back down again , opened the bar and fetched her . She came back to the ramp and walked in again . I closed the back bar and walked to the front . Then I closed the front bar . She was still eating the grain ( I was holding the bucket in front of her ) , but was moving around nervously and lifting her head to look back , as if she was making sure the ramp was still down . Once she had finished the grain , I walked out of the trailer and laid the bucket on the ground . Little Love leaned into the front bar and her gaze was fixed on me . I decided not to push her any further , so I walked up the front ramp and undid the chest bar . She waited very politely until I gave her the signal to move forward , then she marched down the ramp in a very composed manner . So , the good thing is that she still went in , despite the panic from yesterday . When I saw her reaction to the ramp coming up behind her , I realized that to truly get her over all her fears towards the trailer and traveling would probably take a lifetime . We don 't have that , since in less than three weeks she will be traveling to what probably will feel to her like the end of the world . While I soaked her feet and she ate hay , I talked to her about the journey and how it is a necessary evil on our road to hopefully an even better life together . I told her I was stressing out about it , too , but that I knew she was strong and would get through it . I told her I knew how scared she was of the transportation vehicles , but that going into them without a fight was paramount for her own well being . Because not going in was really not an option . Little Love chewed her hay , but twice she lifted her head up and touched my arm . I know she gets it , but I also know that oncPosted by Today I decided to push the trailer loading business a little bit further . Becky and I hooked up the trailer , loaded Little Love and while I was standing inside the trailer with Little Love , Becky drove it forwards about 30 feet ( 10 meters ) . The second the trailer started moving , Little Love started going into panic mode . She stopped eating the grain , her head came up and her body started to quiver . Then she screamed to Col and broke into a light sweat . Her eyes were the size of dinner plates and breathing like she had just come off the race track . By the time Becky stopped , she no longer was paying attention to me , but was completely lost in her own world , where everything and anything can and will go wrong . While Becky parked , got out of the car and walked around to the trailer door , I focused on my breathing and trying to stay present in the moment . Not easy when you have a horse in front of you that looks like she is about to climb over the chest bar at any moment . Little Love became especially frantic when Becky opened the front door . I grabbed her halter , trying to get her to settle down enough for me to lift the chest bar . Somehow I actually managed to back her up two sticky steps . Once the bar was lifted , though , there was not much to hold her back . She rushed out of the trailer . When she was out of the trailer , she realized she was still at home . This took down the panic a notch , but she was still fairly frantic , plowing left and right with her eyes on sticks . I didn 't waste any time ; I walked her past the house , into the barn ( where Col greated her ) and let her loose into the field . Within seconds Col and her had taken off cantering and turned the corner into the big field . It will be interesting to see if she will go into the trailer tomorrow . Because the plan is to hook it up again , but not drive it . I just want to give Little Love the opportunity to go back in and not have a reason to panic . Becky suggested we load Col , too , and perhaps drive the down the road or something . I think that 's a good ideaK It was great to see Little Love again ! She was happy to see me , too . Before , when she wasn 't mine and was living at the large commercial facility close to my house , it used to be complete hell to come back after a break . She would be so freaked out and dissociated from everything that it always took me at least a day or two to get any kind of connection with her . But now that she is obviously in a better place mentally and emotionally to begin with , she accepts my absence as well as my return with a grain of salt . Today a man who owns an Argentinian Criollo gelding came over to see the barn . Becky has been looking for a new friend for Col for when Little Love and I leave and this man answered an advertisement we placed in the local newpaper . He was really nice and both Becky and I had a good feeling about him . But the one who really got us sold on this guy was Little Love . In general , she doesn 't like men and she doesn 't like strangers . She did , however , like this guy . When we were standing on the barn aisle , talking , she approached the three of us and just sort of " joined " our little group . The man turned to pet her and I felt myself tense up in anticipation of Little Love 's " normal " reaction = pinning the ears back and backing away . But , none of that happened . She allowed this strange man to pet her neck , just like that . I have to say , he was very respectful of her space and never tried , for example , to touch her on the face like people usually do . Even Becky noticed Little Love 's reaction ( or the absence of it , more like ) and mentioned it to me afterwards . We decided it was a good sign ; I trust Little Love 's judgement when it comes to people . Every time I am gone , even if it is for just a few days , I always notice Little Love 's front feet when I come back . And I don 't notice them in a good way . Today was no different ; I was shocked to see how " crooked " they really are . In fact , it felt like again they had gotten worse , the medial wall getting shorter and more upright , and the lateral wall slanting out . I had this same feeling last time I was gone so perhaps they were always this bad , but I just get used to it when I see her every day . I really need to go back to some old pictures to see if they are the same or if they are actually getting worse . The right front , which has always been the worst foot , is particularly asymmetrical . I so desperately need someone who knows what they are doing to look at them and trim them . I am doing what I can , but in the end , what do I know ? Not much . In any case , it 's definitely time for new pictures . Perhaps , if I take a really good set , Claudia can explain how I will be able to help Little Love in the long run . I 'm not so sure I 'll know exactly how to trim , but at least I could give it a try . I have been away for a few days , but it feels like it has been weeks . My husband and I flew to Finland to look for a house . How ironic that I have a place for Little Love when we move , but have no clue where my family will be living ! ( my priorities are straight , alright haha ) But hopefully that all will change soon . I talked to Becky tonight and she told me that Little Love was doing great . Apparently she has been letting Becky rub her face . When I first met Little Love , she hated the human touch . She tried to bite and kick when someone brushed her and had to be cross tied for tacking up . Toucing the face was completely off limits , with the ears being especially sensitive . This was five years ago . Now I can touch her ears and she actually likes it when I rub her face , but not always . I am always very conscious about her likes and dislikes - if she is having a " no touching " day , then there is no touching ( this means also no brushing sometimes ) . But for her to let Becky rub her face , that 's huge ! Last week something happened with the lady who helps Becky muck her stall . Apparently she had been putting the fly sheet on Little Love and when she ducked under her neck to go to the other side , Little Love smacked her head down at the same time . Her tooth managed to cut the lady 's scalp , which blead quite a bit according to Becky 's husband . I haven 't talked to the lady since so I don 't know exactly what happened , but there are two viable options . The first one that came to mind was that she was irritated by the flies and happened to be going after one right when the lady ducked . This resulted in tooth colliding with head . The other option would be that this woman 's presence was somehow higly irritating and because she didn 't respect Little Love 's boundaries , Little Love had to make it a bit more clear . She is highly protective of her chest area . Posted by Today I loaded Little Love in the trailer with the help of Becky 's husband . I asked him to come and help because I wanted someone to shut all the doors while Little Love and I stayed inside . As usual , she went inside without a problem . When I closed the back , she didn 't even lift her head to look at the ramp ( ! ) . I hopped in , closed the bar in front of Lilo 's chest and asked Becky 's husband to lift up the front ramp . Little Love had her grain to eat , but when the ramp went up , she stopped chewing and the whites of her eyes showed up . For a moment she just stood there , looking out from the opening above the ramp . Then she started eating again . I asked Becky 's husband to close the upper panel as well , and he did . I counted to 15 and then Becky 's husband opened the front for us . Short and sweet , just the way we like it ! After the front was open again , I left Little Love in the trailer for a little longer . I walked in and out and even around the trailer so I was out of sight . She no longer had any food to eat , but she stood patiently and waited . I popped in to gave her a piece of banana , then disappered again , just to show up with another banana . She stayed calm and quiet and curious . It was only about 3 minutes , but it is the longest time she has ever been in a trailer ( as far as I know ) without pitching a fit . Excellent . I think we are getting closer to actually moving the trailer . That will be a big step and I have to think how I want to approach it without completely overwhelming Little Love and pushing her into her panic zone . The trailer makes a ton of noise when you are driving ( or rather , pulling ) it and I 'm sure this is partly what freaks her out . Or it 's sort of the last straw in an already scary situation . Becky is willing to put Col in there with her , which is not a bad idea since he is really calm in the trailer . On the other hand , perhaps she needs to learn to be alone right off the bat , since in a few weeks she will have to take a few hour ride alone to the Swiss border . Posted by Little Love has been in heat the past few day and yesterday was her " peak day " . This meant that she basically spent all her free time parked in front of Col , peeing . He didn 't seem to mind . He kept biting her behind and her back legs quite forcefully , which made Little Love only pee so much more . Needless to say , Zen Master or not , I didn 't want to challenge that bond too much . So we stayed on the property . Today , however , was a new day . It was quite warm and Becky 's husband reported to me that the horses had spent most of the day inside . Which was of course their choice , but nevertheless made me feel like I had to somehow move my horse . We did the same walk as two days ago and again it went really well . A few times Little Love remembered to call out to Col , but neither time made me really nervous so we got over those moments fairly fast . We also passed both sheep and cows without incident . Only towards the end did she get a bit nervous and I 'm not sure why . Perhaps it was the bugs ( some of the horseflies here are the size of small birds , I tell you ) or the two bulls we passed ( which took off running again , what the heck ? ) or something else , but I just couldn 't seem to keep up with Little Love , she was walking so fast . Since I had the saddle on again ( this seems to be my security blanket at the moment . . . ) , I decided to get on . As soon as I was in the saddle , I was able to get " into my body " on a whole different level . I have done a lot of Ride With You Mind training ( and teaching ) and it never fails to help me in situations like this where the horse is slightly on the edge . Three minutes later Little Love was walking calmly , with her head stretched down . I got off and we walked home ( after some grass in the field , of course ) I have been thinking a lot about saddles lately . The thing is ; I don 't have one . The saddle Little Love and I are using belongs to a friend here in Switzerland . It 's a Barefoot Dressage saddle and I don 't think it 's the right saddle for her or for me . In any case , I 'll be leaving that saddle behind when we move . So , once we get to Finland , there will be no saddle . Now , the million dollar question of course is : Do we need a saddle ? - I don 't know . Am I going to ride ? - I don 't know . If I ride , am I going to ride more than five minutes at a time ? - I don 't know . Does it make sense to buy a saddle if I 'm not really riding ? - No . But let 's say I do decide to get a saddle . . . . this brings me immediately to the other million dollar question : What kind of a saddle should I get ? An English saddle ? A Western saddle ? Treeless ? Flexible tree ? Regular tree ? The choices are overwhelming . The main thing I really care about is of course Little Love . If she were to have a saddle , I would want her to have the best possible saddle for her back . But what kind of a saddle is that ? I have no idea . I do realize she is probably not the easiest horse to fit a saddle on , since she has high and long withers . And a long back . And she 's sort of wide . Last fall a friend of mine bought a western saddle right before she moved to another barn . She let me try it on Little Love a few times and I have to say that it seemed to work really well . Little Love certainly was more comfortable in the western saddle than in her dressage saddle . Of course , her dressage saddle was a really ill fit . But perhaps this is something to consider ? But I find Western saddles so heavy . . . although I have heard that the weight gets distributed more evenly over the horse 's back . Or is that just a myth ? Anyone out there with any experiences they want to share ? PS . If you are still having trouble posting comments , try unclicking the " keep me signed in " box when the system makes you log in . It works for me . If there is one thing I like to do in life , it is to challenge myself . There are days when I find this trait really irritating , because wouldn 't life just be so much easier if I never had to leave my comfort zone ? I know there are a lot of people who live like that and I 'm sure they are happy . So , why rock the boat ? But somehow that just does not work for me . My motto in life seems to be " If you don 't take risks , you never get anything . " Or something like that . I just can 't stop myself . . . The weather has completely turned around and despite the fact that it was + 28 Celsius ( + 82 Fahrenheit ) just two days ago , we seem to have fallen into a fall weather pattern with rain and wind . So , knowing how the weather affects Little Love , I have had the sense to chill out with my dear horse for the past two days , mainly soaking her feet , loading her into the trailer ( shut the back door AND closed the front bar and she was fine ! ! ! ) and playing with her in the arena . Today the weather was a bit better . The wind was still quite strong and the temperature low , but the rain was gone . Maybe this was why I got it in my head that it would be nice to go out for a walk . Being in the arena is sort of boring , even if we are " playing " . I thought about it for a while and decided to tack up Little Love with the saddle . I don 't know why , but it seemed like a good idea . I also put on the bitless bridle . I use rope reins that clip on and off , which makes it really easy to walk her with enough rope in my hand , in case she needs space . When I walked down the driveway , my heart was beating in my chest . I told Little Love about my nervousness , describing out loud the sensations that were going on in my body . When we were on the other side of the road she called out to Col and started a slow jig next to me . Immediately I could feel myself get tense . I acknowledged the feeling out loud , again describing it to the smallest detail . Before I knew it , I didn 't feel so tense after all . True , we were both extremely alert , but that was something we both could easily deal with . One of the neighbors had brought some sheep into a small field on the right - that was really scary in Little Love 's book since I don 't think she has ever seen sheep close up . I felt her panic mounting , but mind over matter , I was able to focus on my own breathing and she followed me without an incident . If any of the neighbors overheard me ( and understood English ) , they probably thought I had lost a few marbles = " Breath in , breath out . Feel your breath going down inWhen we turned the corner towards home I stopped Little Love and climbed up on her back , thinking we could trot . But after just a few strides , it felt somehow wrong to be sitting on her . So I came down and started running next to her . We haven 't done this exercise for such a long time and I had forgotten how much I like it . We jogged about 500 yards in perfect sync , then cut through the field towards home , enjoying some of the lush grass on the way . What a brilliant time we had , despite the fact that neither one of us was truly relaxed during our walk until we were walking back up the driveway . But that is just how it is with Little Love and me - we are both alert . I don 't mind that , as long as I can control myself and my reactions . The key is really to stay in the moment , no matter how uncomfortable you happen to feel . This is such an important lesson for me to learn . Thank you Little Love ! |
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again , just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by . The animals are happy and content , except for one small thing ; they each miss someone very special to them , who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; His eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling together in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head , and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together . . . . Dear little Lightning , you came from another shelter to join our adoption day . You were a little sick , so I took you aside and you snuck into my heart . We ran tests and could find nothing wrong , but you didn 't grow or play . You just wanted to snuggle and sleep , so that 's what you did . They didn 't know till after you died that you had FIP , which there is no cure for . All I know is that you came to me and I loved you till you were gone . Even tho you did live your life here as fast as . . . . lightning - Norma When I first found you as a kitten , my daughter Erin was alive and was 3 years old . . You were a classic torti , complete with attitude . You really only liked me . Ok , later you liked John too . You slept by my head , between me and the edge of the bed . You tried to bite everyone , not very hard , but enough to scare them . Everyone knew all the cats were friendly , but NOT THAT ONE ! For some reason , you decided that the bathroom was yours , and you scratched any one who wasn 't me that entered that domain . We had to put you in the bedroom before any house guests could use the facilities . Erin would always ask if we were keeping you , because at first we didn 't know how you would fit in with the rest of the pets . There wasn 't any particular day that we " decided " to keep you , but it became apparent after some time , that we were . LIttle did I know that we wouln 't be keeping Erin . When Erin died , there was a physical presence that was missing and you made sure to sleep right up against me in bed for a time , and that turned into your regular spot . You laid in bed with me when my hips were falling apart and I was in great pain , you laid there when I was recovering from having them replaced . When your joints started to get stiff , we put a child 's chair next to the bed so you could use it climb up easier . After a while , you had a hard time getting up the stairs to the bedroom , and we made the library your room , that 's where we spent most of our time . We opened and closed the doors for you at least a hundred times a day . for you to come in and out , altho half the time I think you forgot why and where you going . I know that you stayed around here much longer than you wanted to because I did not want you to go . You were the last cat alive here who knew Erin . All of our kitties now came after she died . I know that you two are together now in spirit along with many others who have gone before . I know that Erin is taking care of all the kitties we have to send over the Rainbow Bridge , including the ones she never knew in life . The chair is still by the bed , I swear I still hear you bonking the door to get in the library , and I see you out of the corner of my eye sometimes . You were with me for over half of my adult life and it seems strange to go on without you , but we have to . I know we will be together again someday , but in the meantime , don 't forget to let them know who 's in charge over there . . . . . . . . I love you Tippy . . . . . Norma Troy was a sweet little man born into a bad situation , he was unvaccinated and died of an unknown virus . While he was here he was very busy and told his opinion to everyone who asked , and some who didn 't . I 'm sure he 's bending and ear or two on the Rainbow Bridge . I wish I could have known and loved you longer , the months you were here went by too quickly . Your siblings and I miss you but know that we 'll see you again someday at the bridge . Save us a good spot . . . . . . we love you . - Norma Troy I have been feeding a stray all winter , and have been trying to make friends with him . Jeff and I named him Mr . Kimball . Mr . Kimball was a beautiful brown tabby with white paws and a white chest . He would not get close to me all winter , but came around to eat every night . My neighbor , Susan H . , and her son , Tom , fed Mr . Kimball , too . A couple of weeks ago he somehow became injured . He could not use his left front paw . He started getting closer to me , but was very growly and hissy , I now know from all of the pain he was in . He was too smart for a live trap , so Jeff and I would sit on the front step and talk to him while he ate . I was determined to get him to the vet , some how / some way this weekend , which I did . I gave Plainfield Animal Care Center a heads up , that I was going to get Mr . Kimball in this weekend . All of a sudden , I was able to pet Mr . Kimball , although he and I were both very leery of each other . So , Friday night , I got brave and picked Mr . Kimball up , and carried him to the cage I had previously set up in our garage for him . He was so happy to be safe and sound in the cage Friday night , and I was so grateful he was in there before the bad weather hit again on Friday night Sat . morning , I called my vet , got Mr . Kimball in a carrier ( he went in there willingly ) and I took him to the vet . I know this story is long , and I could go on and on , but long story short , Mr . Kimball had a crushed paw . Vet is not sure how it happened . Vet said that we had two choices for Mr . Kimball . Amputate his leg ( even with the antibiotics that you gave me , Norma , he was full of infection ) , or euthanize Mr . Kimball . . . . Well , I had to make the horrible decision to euthanize him . He could never ever have gone back outside again , and unfortunately , I had no place for him , for obvious reasons , ie Jeff and I have a full house . Susan H . so very generously offered to pay for the extremely costly surgery , but unfortunately she has a full house too . Not to mention , the quality of life Mr . Kimball would have had with a missing leg . Also , we never got to the blood work stage , so he may have even had a disease , which we will never know . The beautiful thing is that Susan Laird is now taking care of him . The sad news is that in the short time I knew Mr . Kimball , I got attached to him and cared about him , and yes , even loved him . I am crying again , now , but can only hope that Mr . Kimball knew how much I loved him , and neighbor Susan did , too . . . - Brenda You brought joy and laughter to our house . You wanted everyone to love you and they did . Your best pal , Two - Socks , misses you and is looking all over the house fo you . He really enjoyed giving you those daily baths . Tali has no one to rip through the house with . I love you , the kids love you and your brothers and sisters and cousins miss you terribly . I know that God had other plans for you and that you are no longer blind or unable to walk . Your Aunt Norma and I made the heart - wrenching decision to send you to the Rainbow Bridge . Wait for me there , my wonderful girl . Say hi to Elvis , Kitus , Bart and Rocky . They will show you how to be free and enjoy your kittenhood . I knew you were special when I came to pick out a kitty to foster when I opened your cage door and you leaped out on to me and would not let go . Waffle , you had a hard time in your short life here on earth , and for that I feel sad . I wish you could have told me what happened to you before you came to me , and if I could have fixed it for you , I would have . I hope your last few months were happy , and that you didn 't feel any pain at the end . Your little spirit is free now , and your bad memories erased . Try to play nice with the other kitties at the bridge - they really are your friends - and I 'll see you again one day . I miss you , Waff - man . You came into my life as a foster kitty on May 2nd , 2005 , with a reputation for being an " escape artist " . You lived with Susan 's neighbors and Susan would often find you wandering in her back yard . Susan would pick you up and carry you back home " purring all the way " . Then the purring stopped when you had to go back inside . When Susan 's neighbors had a new baby , they had to put you up for adoption . I volunteered to take you in . You were living in my " foster room " alone until one evening when I was feeding my cats . Somehow , you managed to climb over the gate , come downstairs , and with a loud " MEOW " , which startled both me and my cats , announced that you wanted to join the group . From then on , you were one of the " family " . My cats all accepted you immediately and on September 25th of 2005 I made it official , and adopted you . Rachel , my sweetheart , you were easily one the most gentle and easy going cats that ever lived , even when you went through many nights in the hospital and much medication . You managed to accept it all . I know it wasn 't easy for you . Rest in peace , my precious one . I will always love you . - Bob and the kitties Hope went to the Rainbow Bridge this morning at 8 : 30 . We are very sad , but we are so happy that she was in our lives for the time we had her . She was very spunky and enjoyed her short life to the fullest until she got sick . We loved her very much . It was a difficult night and morning , but glad Hope is not feeling sick anymore . - Norma Hope Roland was a large male who came to us from a rescue situation unvaccinated , he died of an unknown virus before his immune system could be strengthened . He was always very cooperative with taking all the meds we tried , but we just couldn 't save him . . . - Norma Babycakes was a very sweet cat who got along with every cat in our home . She was very sweet and loving to every one in our home . She taught patience and love to those around her . We were very fortunate to have had her in our lives . She received much love from those who took care of her and knew she was in our home to stay . She will be missed by all who knew her . With Love , Frankie was a kitten who was found outside with no mom . We had a nursing mom who took him in . He was a gray tabby with bright blue eyes and a sweet personality . Sadly , he was only with us for a few weeks before passing away . My Minnie came to live with me five years ago when , because of her dislike for other cats , the previous owner was going to have her put down . Norma sent me a picture of Minnie and I couldn 't let that happen to such a sweet face . I adopted her and gave her my basement as her private domain . We had many happy hours together as Minnie watched me on the computers . I miss you so much , my sweet one . I keep looking for you behind the little window I made for you in the basement door , but you 're not there anymore . The basement seems so empty without you . Even when you were in your hiding place ( wherever that was ) I knew you were there somewhere . I 'm so thankful for the years we had together . I 'll meet you at the bridge . - Bob Minnie You were my " scaredy cat " , which is how you got the name Boo . Born in a factory to a feral mom , you came here when you were only 3 months old . It took a year 's worth of patience until you finally accepted a pet from me - but only one hand ! Two hands made you very nervous , and made you run and hide . Gradually , you realized that I would never do anything to hurt you . Even though you remained somewhat skittish , you knew I loved you . We made great progress together , you finally seeking out attention , in your little subtle way , by sitting behind me on the bed , while I was typing on the computer , and making cute little mews when I would turn around to pet you , learning to enjoy being brushed with the Furminator , and even letting me clean the goopy eye you would get every once in a while , without a fuss . Lately , when you would sit on the floor , eyeing my lap , I was sure that soon you would get the confidence to jump up like the other kitties do . Sadly , that was not to be , something happened in your little body that caused you to get really sick . After a few days you weren 't getting any better , so I made the decision to not let you suffer any longer , and to let you go to a better place . I was so happy that when they brought you in to me at the hospital for our last moments together , you snuggled right up to me , and seemed very content and happy . You weren 't afraid , even with all the strangers around you . Holly Dolly , that was one of your nicknames . You were the cutest kitten ( in my opinion ) when you came with your mom and five brothers and sisters . You littles were only 6 weeks old then . You came on a day that I was really sad - just the day before , I had sent my little dog to the bridge , so you were all a welcome distraction . To my amazement , everyone got adopted but you . I never understood why , because you were so adorable , but I think there was a reason you stayed with me . Something either was wrong , or happened in your little brain , causing you to have periodic seizures after you were about 2 years old . They were pretty frightening at first , but after reading about them , I was okay dealing with it . We talked to vets , some who said no to medication unless it was frequent , and some who said we needed to do all these tests and get you on medication right away . As sweet as you were , when you were doing well , I really believe that aside from the big seizures , you were having small ones going on , and other factors that did not give you a good quality of life , so I decided to send you to a place where you wouldn 't have to suffer anymore . I will miss you a lot , your quirky personality , your pretty , pretty face , and your funny meows . We 'll see each other again one day . Until then , be happy with all your friends at the bridge , Doll Baby . Love , Your Foster Mom Kim Winston : I remember the day you came into my life . Norma was going out of town and I was going to be watching you for a week . By the time the week was out you were playing with my cat Payton and Rocky and you guys were getting along great . Norma came to get you and I just couldn 't bear to let you go so she let me foster you . You were my best buddy . At night you would sleep above my head and purr in my ears . I would come home from work and find you sleeping in the bed snuggled in your favorite fleece blanket . After being with me for over a year I decided that I was going to adopt you . A couple weeks after I had made that decision we got a call from a wonderful couple wanting to adopt you . No matter how painful it was , I made the decision to let them adopt you . I whispered in you ear and told you how much I love you and said good bye . The weeks following were very hard but it got better . Your new mom sent me photo 's of you and I was happy that you were doing so well . Your family took care of you for 3 years and then they had to make the heart breaking decision to put you down so you wouldn 't be suffering anymore . Winston I have never stopped thinking of you . You have always been in my thoughts and in my heart . Until we meet again my friend . Love you your foster mom , Natalie Little One was surely the Energizer Bunny of cats . She was abandoned in front of a pet store in Sept . , 2002 , about six ( 6 ) weeks before her 15th birthday . The initial vet check uncovered several age related problems . The vet thought she 'd live about six months . He didn 't know Little One ! Through thyroid surgery , Chronic Renal Failure , multiple urinary track infections , kitty Alzheimer 's , and finally blindness , she just kept going . One of Little One 's favorite activities was snoozing on her heated cat bed . After a while the other cats discovered it , so we just put up more beds . We ended up with four heated beds and cats enjoying them all . If necessary , we 'd shoo a cat off so Little One could have the bed . And she was ready to play " toss " every morning . Toss is a little game we play with the cats at breakfast time . We pitch pieces of dry food and the cats run after them , capture , then eat them . As long as we tossed a piece so it hit one of Little One 's feet , she would find it even though she couldn 't see . Little One showed us love , courage , determination , and perseverance . She was 21 yrs old when she went to the Rainbow Bridge . I will love you forever , Little One , and I miss you so much . I wasn 't prepared for you to leave so quickly . I didn 't realize that you probably hadn 't been feeling well for a while - I chalked it up to your sweet , shy personality . Then came our visit to the vet yesterday , and the awful diagnosis today that you were seriously ill . I know that you trusted me to do the right thing , and I could not bear to see you suffer any longer , so I chose to let you go where you would be healthy and happy and pain - free , even though it broke my heart . I 'll never forget your sweet little face , and especially how happy you seemed last night when I brought your " cube " down to your isolation cage . You climbed right in and started rolling and rubbing on it . You made me laugh , and that 's how I 'll remember you , sweet Benji Angel . P . S . I 'm sure you 've already found your foster room buddy Laila . Give her a kitty kiss for me , and tell I love her . To My Sweet Laila Baby girl , I 'm so sorry you weren 't here long enough to find your forever family . In your all too short life , I was the lucky one to be your " forever " mom . I love you , and I hope you are healthy and happy now , and have found some of the kitties that went there before you . I 'll meet you at the bridge one day . I will love you and think of you always , and will miss your purrs , your sweet personality , your beautiful , shiny black fur and your big , golden eyes . Love , Your Foster Mom After a very long week , Norma and I took her to RH this evening . I had taken her in Monday for another blood count ( 10 ) and fluids , after she quit eating again . Her weight had dropped to 6 . 6 lbs . By Wednesday night , she hadn 't perked up , and seemed to be really not feeling well at all . I talked to Dr Bunn and agreed that it was time to let her go . She doesn 't work Thursday , and I really wanted her to be there , so we planned for Friday , unless she really went downhill Thursday . She hung on , but late Thursday night I weighed her and she was down to 6 lbs , and her purr / breathing started sounding funny , kind of raspy and hoarse . Coincidentally , today is two months to the day that she was diagnosed . She left us very peacefully , cradled on my lap in a blanket , with me holding her little head and stroking her frail body , and Norma scratching the top of her head , between her ears . Now she is free , and hopefully has found all the kitties we told her to look for when she got there . Norma and I each got a pawprint and a swatch of her fur . I 'm very sad right now , but also relieved that she no longer has to suffer . She fought really hard to stay with us , but it wasn 't meant to be . Laila would have been 11 months old Easter Sunday . Kim Gaston was one of my semiferals in the back bedroom , he could rarely be touched . I noticed that he had lost some weight , and I just found him dead at the bottom of the stairs . The poor little guy , he came here as a feral kitten from a lady who had a huge population problem in a barn in Oswego . Remember Bob , we drove out there in the snow looking for a huge number of cats off Plainfield Rd ? And we could never find any more cats , there were no footprints and she was never home . He and Patches ( 1 ) both came from there via RH as the woman brought them in to be euthanized . He always had a hard time both getting along with people and other kitties . I will bring him to River Heights and see if they can figure out what happened . . . . . . . . in the meantime , he 's crossing the rainbow bridge to be with his other buddies . . . . Norma Gaston Yesterday I lost my best friend . Little Benny went to heaven . This morning is really hard since he always is up with my alarm for his breakfast . Then he follows me in the bathroom and brushes his teeth in the other sink with me . He stopped eating his crunchy food about two weeks ago and then his treats , but still stole food off my plate and ate his soft food . I thought it was a bad tooth . Not so lucky when I took him to the vet he found a lump in his tummy . Even though he was still active he was different and he had lost about a pound I didn 't want him to suffer . So the vet said he would operate and if he could save him he would . It was not meant to be the cancer had spread all over his little body . It 's funny how they are fine one minute and the next week they go fast . Last monday he sat on my lap all morning and watched TV with me this monday he was in his tunnel all day . It will be hard for awhile as he was always under foot and sat with me while I ate dinner and slept on my feet every night . Last night trooper slept there I wonder if he was waiting . He passed 10 years and six months to the day I first saw him and stole my heart . Love Wendy My beloved Ashe boy , I know you can 't really hear me in words , so I 'll write this for the humans instead , and I know you 'll hear me somehow . Ashe , I love you so much . I helped you find your way back from the brink of death once , even tho you resisted me at every turn , and you 've lived here for several years , in my heart , and also the more traditional ways . You only talk to me , with the exception of Jeff and Brenda . You were never demanding or pushy , you were ready to take whatever attention you could claim for yourself . You put up with me trying to ingratiate you to me , which only worked on your own schedule . Some how you convinced Amy to rescue you out of the street , and the vets at RH to do surgery , teach me how to tube feed you , and then do subQ fluids , neither did I want to learn . And neither did you want to experience . . . . . I won 't be able to look at the chair in the living room without thinking of you curled up there every night . I also won 't be able to sit out on the back porch at night with out you crossing my mind . You and I spent so many nights out there alone together during the tube feeding times . Sometimes I would fall asleep out there with you in the bed that is still there today . You 're the only reason that we have a whole cat habitat out there . Even though you are alive right now upstairs in my closet on the floor , I know you will cross over soon , and I won 't stand in your way any longer . I only take comfort in the fact that there are four of my children on the other side waiting for you , as well as a lot of other animals , and they will love you as much as I do . . . . . . . . . . I have many other cats here tonight that I love just as much as I love you , but none that I want to be with so badly . You have a special place in my heart , and I will see you again . Have a safe trip my friend . Godspeed . Monday , Ashe died , went to the Rainbow Bridge . He couldn 't keep his oral meds down , so I stopped giving them to him , and we had a peaceful night , and slept in bed together all day Monday with no medical intervention except pain meds . He went in his pillowbed to River Heights instead of a scary carrier and Dr Pocius did an ultrasound just to allay our fears of doing this prematurely ( do we ever stop questioning ourselves ? ) , as in maybe he just ate the scissors and we can just remove them and all will be fine . . . . . She found a baseball sized mass in his abdomen that none of us knew about . He almost certainly had cancer . This was inhibiting his organs , and therefore his symptoms , so the meds weren 't really helping . It was very hard to detect the mass manually because of it 's location , and was completely inoperable . Afterwards , Dr P . stayed late to do the necropsy . We are very sad , but releived that his suffering is over . Amy and Dr P . were great . I know some of this rambling is confusing , especailly to the " non - cat " people , but I chose to send it to you because you are important in my life . When I wrote to Ashe , he was still alive , but I knew he was going to be put down the next day . Norma Ashe A little girl named Ricki received a yellow bean bag kitty from her father when she was very young . They shared the same love of animals and they nursed many animals back to health together . After his untimely death , she used that yellow bean bag kitty to help her through many a hard time , stitching it back together periodically . Now that she is an mom and has 3 kids of her own , she still rescues animals . One of her first ones was a yellow kitty named Bubba . He died young as well . Nothing could prepare her for the kitty who would have the greatest effect on her . He reminded her of both her previous yellow kitties , so she named him Lil Bubba . He and his 2 siblings were rescued when she was driving and saw a car hit their mother . They needed to be bottle fed . Lil Bubba had a lot of problems that a runt of the litter has , he didn 't really eat , he had digestive problems , but he showed an amazing amount of love to all he knew . He was a very easy going kitty who got along with kids and dogs , the kind that is very easy to adopt out . He and his brother Deputy Dawg , went to adoption days every month at the pet store , and even tho they were gorgeous and friendly , no one adopted them . Ricki didn 't mind tho , as she secretly wanted to keep him anyway , but just couldn 't justify it with her housefull of kids and animals . But month after month they went to the store and came home . . . . . Finally after almost a year , a family adopted them together and they had a new family . Ricki 's family was sad , but they knew they had found their forever home . They promised to keep in touch . The new family loved them right away , and were concerned when Lil Bubba developed diarrhea and didn 't eat very much . She was reassured to hear that this was a common symptom of being adopted , stress induced . But when it didn 't go away , we all met at the vets 's office to rule anything else out . The x rays and ultrasound were inconclusive , and he had been tested and vaccinated for just about everything . The vet thought she felt something in his abdomen , and the Lil Bubba I remember . . . When you were a kitten , how you loved to climb and jump from high places , explore every inch of the house , and pounce on Pebbles even though she was twice your size . How you loved your favorite place looking out the patio window at the outside world . How you loved to come and lie down on my chest while I was on the couch , put your face just an inch from mine , and tickle my nose with your whiskers . How you loved your tummy - rubs every night while we watched TV . How you loved little Jenny , and would wrap your big paws around her neck to groom her . How you made this house a brighter place by being here . I remember , C . J . , and will always love you . Robert Swanson I was born in a garage in Berwyn , IL . on July 29 , 1989 . My momcat was a feral who lived there . When I was about five weeks old , a Good Samaritan took me and my four black brothers and sisters to a humane society . My mom wanted a black kitten and she picked me out because I was special . She named me Matilda Sassafras Inkenberry . Matilda because I danced around so much , Sassafras because I was a sassy little thing , and Inkenberry because that 's the proper name for someone fondly called Inky . I stayed sassy all my life . In fact , some people even said I had an " attitude " . Imagine that ! My mom tells a story about my " attitude " . She had a party and all the guests put their coats on the bed in the spare bedroom - my room . As the guests were leaving , one of them went to my mom and asked her to get his coat . Mom reminded him that his coat was on the bed . He said he knew that , but I was sitting on his coat and hissed and swatted at him when he tried to pick it up . Well , if the coat was on my bed , it must have been my coat , right ? I was just protecting my property . I lived many happy years with my mom and her other cats . When mom brought home a new cat , I would make sure the newbie knew that I was the boss . They all treated me with the respect I was due . Now I 'm at the Rainbow Bridge telling all the others there that I 'm the boss . Inky |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . When you lose someone close to you , it 's incomprehensible . Reality is suspended and your brain won 't let you think of anything else . This happened to me a little over a year ago . My father died after a long battle with cancer . He had Multiple Myeloma , a little known cancer of the blood . He had been diagnosed years ago , went through chemo and had many happy years in between . But that spring , it caught up with him . He became weaker and the pain was unbearable . My normally active dad , who loved to tinker on his classic cars and never woke up in the morning without a plan for the day , was failing . The big crisis hit when he had a series of bad falls . We gathered as a family and brought hospice in . My dad 's only wish was to die at home . He was funny . He never liked to travel . He said that everything he needed was right at home . It was his kingdom . We all wanted to fulfill his wish . It was the toughest seven weeks of our lives , and the ending was not happy , but he got his wish . He passed away in his own bed . We were left adrift and in despair without measure . Now , onto the happy part of the story . My sister and I have long been into horses . My horse , Ranger , has been with me for nearly twenty years . They have been wondrous , fun and most of all , challenging . If you want to learn about yourself , get a horse . They humble you as they raise you up . It is awesome . But my Ranger was getting older . His once formidable trot had slowed and his awesome canter reduced to just a few strides . It saddened me , but I knew it was inevitable . To this day , I still enjoy our short , easy rides and no horse is better for teaching the youngsters about trail riding . That includes both equine and human . I started looking more to divert my mind from my grief than anything else . My sister started looking , too - now I knew I was in trouble . Then I got an e - mail from her with a link to a place called Quietude and there he was - a chestnut vision with this white blaze on his face . Quietude Dante . He reminded me of Ranger because he looked sturdy but beautiful . He was a Lambert Morgan bred by a couple who had single - handedly resurrected the line . Wow . My education had begun about a type of horse who had been lost in history . I have always loved Morgans . The first horse I every rode was my aunt 's Morgan gelding , Brandy . I was 4 years old . I imprinted . He was a bright chestnut with personality to spare . Many years later , my aunt gave Brandy to my sister . He was her fist horse . At almost 25 years old , he was nearly unstoppable . This started our journey that would lead to Cruiser , Ranger , Mingo and Cole . Would Dante be next ? It was late fall when I contacted the Hanleys at Quietude . A prompt return e - mail gave me Dante 's vitals , but he was in West Virginia and winter was coming . This delayed the trip until spring . I spent all winter looking at YouTube videos of the Quietude horses and reading about Lambert Morgans . Even the name , Quietude , seemed like a good sign . It was an expression my Dad used to use when things got hectic . My dad was never big on horses , but he was not a person to shy away from his dreams ; as he collected multitudes of classic cars over the years and much of his time was spent restoring and driving them . Spring was coming , and it was time to commit to my trip to West Virginia . I decided that around my birthday in April would be a good time just because it was my birthday . I talked to John , my boyfriend , about it . He was on board because he said we could make it a mini vacation out of it and camp . He loves to camp . I don 't like camping , but I would do it to make it fun for him , too I was very nervous leading up to the trip . This was a huge decision and there was the issue of my little cat , Stormy , to consider . We were taking the dog with us , but Stormy doesn 't travel well , and he is an indoor / outdoor cat . Someone coming over to keep an eye on him was not an option . My sister came to the rescue . He could stay at her house in an empty bedroom , and she would completely spoil him . The time came to transport Stormy . He hates cars and messes in his carrier every time , but we got him safely to her house . Barriers were put up to keep the dog away and her cat , Thunder the Wonder Cat , was too scared to go near him . Stormy was not happy , but he was in the best possible hands . My trip to Quietude began that night . Driving for hours gives a person lots of time to think . I was thinking a lot . Two horses would be quite a bit of work . Could I handle it ? My sister had been doing it for years and rarely complained , so it was possible . A new horse is uncharted territory . Would my anxiety be too much to handle it or would it rise up to the challenge . My head was spinning . Would Dante disappoint in person and would it all be a waste of time ? My journey physically and mentally continued . I had many cat updates . It sounded like Stormy was doing okay . We made it to West Virginia the next day . It 's a beautiful place , especially in the spring ; rolling hills and mountains covered in green . This was a good part of the travel ; seeing beauty around each corner . We had a day of travel , then we camped that night with a trip to Quietude the next day . I was so excited and so cut off from the world . West Virginia mountains have no cell phone towers . No more cat updates . I was off the grid . One of the biggest decisions of my life and no one to consult except for John , who once tried to feed Ranger a hamburger . The day finally arrived . It dawned cold but bright . The journey that started last fall was now real . We started out on winding roads up mountains to Hillsboro , West Virginia ; the home of the famous author Pearl S . Buck . I saw her house . We followed Sue Hanley 's careful directions down gravel roads and across creeks . We arrived at the site of the sight of the Highland Trace House - - the Hanleys ' daughters ' impeccably restored summer home . Then up the road ; horses everywhere . There was a big red barn where I saw some silhouettes of horses in stalls . Dante maybe ? We drove toward the Hanley house , down stallion row . Each stallion gazed at our van as we passed . I tried to identify them from their pictures on the website . There is nothing like the keen gaze of a stallion . We met the Hanleys and the young dog , Colt . He was a silly half - grown dog who was still learning about people . I had been there with our dog , Stubby , who was starting protectively from the van window . We went into the house to get to know each other . John is an avid photographer , and so is Sue Hanley . They had a lot in common . It was fun . They are nice people . Then it came time to check out Dante . We drove back to the red barn where I 'd seen silhouettes . We walked in - and I 'd like to say I had eyes only for Dante - but their stunning stallion Quietude Jubilee Kingdom was in the barn . He dominated the scene , and he knew it . Then my eyes turned to Dante stabled next to his pasture mate , Trey . Dante watch us with much interest and was enthusiastic about the attention . He was a brighter chestnut than in the pictures and had thick hair on his legs like a draft horse . They took him out of the stall . He tied well and lifted his feet nicely . They handed me a brush and I worked my way toward his back and stood by his withers . I thought of my sister 's horse , Cruiser . Then I knew Dante was right . He had some professional training and had been on many trail rides . The Hanleys were forthright about his personality and skills . There was no reason to doubt them and besides , he gave me the Cruiser vibe . After that , it was time to look over the 400 acres of Quietude . I have never seen so many horses and pastures . All the horses love people and are so curious . I met Dante 's father , Quietude Barcelona ; a favorite stallion of Shannon and sire to many Lamberts . It is truly a special place where the land and animals are loved and respected . When our tour was over , it was time to camp for the night . The Hanleys generously let us camp next to their daughter 's house . We had access to the house , electric and best of all - the bathroom . It was a perfect , clear night . We were surrounded by horses and my boyfriend took many nighttime photos of the stars . Morning dawned and I was able to watch Dante amble about his pasture with his friends . I felt guilty about taking him from this paradise to a stall in Cleveland , but he had a destiny to fulfill . He is descended from a line of working horses who helped build our country . He would be glad to have a job and lots of human attention . He loves people and the trail ; a natural traveler with his easy trot and curious eyes . I was sad to leave Quietude the next day , but my new adventure would be arriving in Cleveland in a few weeks . Besides , I missed Ranger and my silly cat . As soon as we reach cell phone signal , it was time to spread the news . Dante was joining our herd and snappy , little Cole Train finally had a trail buddy who could equal him . I went out to the barn early and saddled up Cruiser . I like to ride him when it is quiet because he does tend to spook a lot if there is too much going on . I worry about him hurting himself by doing something sudden . We were out about 15 minutes in Ellen walked into the arena . I noticed she was moving funny with her broken ankle - but what I didn 't notice - the walking boot was gone ! I knew she wasn 't wearing it in the house anymore , but it turns out she hadn 't worn it since Sunday . This meant she could walk with us in the arena . Well , she walked , but she couldn 't get up to horse speed . I 'm sure she was much warmer than when she could only sit on the mounting block and watch . It was a lot easier to talk to her , too . I then rode Dante and led Ranger ( with Ellen , again . ) Now , for the second surprise . Kevin showed up , and we decided to take the horses on the hill . The day before , we led them because it was very cold and we couldn 't cross the river . I suggested we put saddles on this time - just in case the river was low enough to cross . Much to our happiness - it was ! I was able to cross for the first time in about 3 weeks . There was only a light coating of snow , and the ground was frozen just way too hard to trot , so we did get cold . I led Cole about half the time , but I could use the extra exercise after the way I have been eating … Since we have been keeping the horses on the wrong side of the river , we can only get a Christmas trail ride sporadically . We have trouble with high water , ice on the river and the most frustrating thing - ice on the driveway . This was a real treat for us . Kevin did his family thing for Christmas , and Ellen and I went to my brother 's house . We had a terrific meal , and then since it was my night to feed at the barn , I gathered up both my nieces and took them along . Since I wanted it to be more than just work , I turned Cole out in the indoor arena , and he put on quite a performance . He did his usually roll , buck and run . He then came back to me and he started up on his tricks . He parked out , bowed , picked up my gloves when I threw them , did his silly walk - mixing in more running and bucking - and a few unasked for rears . Cole is a tremendous rearer . I 'm sure I could teach him to do it on command very easily , but I just don 't want him offering it to me when I don 't want it . When I quite playing the games and left him alone , he got upset and ran laps at top speed - I think to get my attention - and it worked . I haven 't been blogging , but I have been riding . Since I am taking care of my sister 's horses , I can barely keep track of everything we have been doing . I have gotten Cole out on the hill a few times in the last few weeks . Yesterday , after a seriously rainy few days , we ended up riding the hill in sunshine ! The temps were in the 50s ! All the snow was gone and the river was roaring . Kevin joined me on Starry , and we did 5 trips up and down - with lots of trotting . We have winter weather , again . It was nice while it lasted . It would be nice if the river got low enough to cross on Christmas , though it will be very cold . Cole has consistently been doing his new trot . My sister said it looks very pretty . We are both happier with it . Dante didn 't like the warmer weather we were having , and he got a little unenthusiastic about his arena work . I have been riding Ranger around the property whenever I have daylight - same with Cruiser . They both do great in the snow . The warmer weather worked well with Cruiser because he wasn 't as hyper . When he settles down at the trot , he does pretty well . I only trot him about 5 minutes , and the rest of the time we walk . Ellen is getting better all the time . She thinks she may be able to help with the stalls next week . I would push the wheelbarrow , though . She is able to spend her time in the house without her walking boot . She still wears it out of the house for now . Two more months of winter to go … I have mentioned before that when I work with Cole in the arena , he has a huge trot . I am not exaggerating - it is huge . His suspension is incredible , and it looks nearly like the dressage movement called the passage . It is hard to ride . I can 't manage to post it because he nearly throws me on his neck , and I just can 't get the timing right . I have a very strong sitting trot , so I sit it . It is tough , and I usually can 't manage more than a few laps . Now that I am riding most of my rides in the arena , we are having trouble . He is reluctant to trot well . Instead , he gives me his " stupid trot . " It is short - stepped , very slow with his head up in the air and his back is hollow . If I ask him for a better trot , I either get the big , show trot , he continues to do his stupid trot or he stops . Lately , he has been stopping way too much . After a number of rides like this , I have had enough . Sure , the big , show trot looks impressive , but I don 't have fun riding it . ( I have been riding Dante 's smooth trot - and I live it . ) Maybe Cole is telling me he doesn 't have fun doing it , either . If I get exhausted doing it , maybe it is tiring him , too . The big , show trot had to go . I no longer wanted it as his default gait . He trots like normal horse on the trail , and if it is fast enough , I post it easily . If it is a little slower , I sit it easily . I decided that this would be my starting point - I would post . I started our riding session with posting right from the start . Within 10 seconds , we found a nice rhythm , and I was posting easily . Of course , you can guess what happened next - I clicked . He stopped and got his treat , and we did it again - over and over . Usually , I was clicking in the first 10 strides . I wanted him to be clear with what I wanted , since it was a totally new request . After a bit , I had him go longer before he got the click . It was working . I don 't know if Cole is a particularly quick learner or if it is the clicker , but within 5 minutes , he was consistently trotting in a new way . ( Why did I wait so long to do this ? ) I could either post it or sit it . The trot was much more comfortable . ( Still not as smooth as Dante , but he is exceptional . ) He was carrying his head in a lovely position - not with his nose in the air . The trot felt balanced , and I could tell there was more suspension than he would have on the trail . I was able to trot full laps without exhaustion , too . It was time to get a second opinion . I called Kevin out to see us . I explained the problem I wanted to solve , and then I showed him our new trot . At first , he thought it was still the show trot , so I knew he looked good . Upon further observation , Kevin could see that it wasn 't as extreme - and he liked it . Cole and I have a new trot , now ! I think one of the reasons that he took to it so quickly is that he wanted a new trot , too . Once he got it , it was self reinforcing . This was just the first lesson , though , so we will see where we go from here . I am sure that big , show trot is still there , and I will teach him a cue for it so he knows just to give it to me when I ask for it . In the meantime , I will encourage Cole to make the new trot his default trot . I think I am going to like this . It 's snowy , it 's cold and the river is freezing . Trail riding has suddenly become very limited - and I have 4 horses to ride . The arena is starting to bore me - it has driven me out into the elements - at least when I can ride in the daylight . On the last few rides on Ranger , I have ridden him around a little trail going around the barn property - 6 laps to equal a half hour . He was really happy to be out . I took Cruiser out for a couple laps at the end of his ride , yesterday and I also rode Cole on the hill leading to the river 3 times . They weren 't fabulous rides , at all . I just wanted to get outside . That leaves Dante . I have kept him in the arena because he is such a joy in there . He has started to power up more with his hindquarters at the trot . His accuracy keeps improving and our circles are getting rounder . I like how he focuses on me - unlike Cruiser who 's mind tends to wander . Ellen is very happy with his progress . I am having problems with Cole . He isn 't thrilled about doing his big trot - and I don 't blame him . I 'm not thrilled about it anymore , either . It tires us both out too much . I want to do an ordinary trot . He has only been giving me 2 trots - his big trot and an awful , pokey , short - stepped trot with his nose up in the air . I want something like he does on the trail . Tonight , I am going to see if I can get it by posting - since that 's what I do on the trail . If I do , I will click him for it to encourage it . I just want a normal horse for a while . I have been trotting Cruiser more and more and he is getting strong and more consistent . We are up to about 5 minutes . I know it doesn 't sound like much , but for a horse who hasn 't trotted in a year , it is a lot . We had some lovely spring - like weather last week - and then it happened - winter . We are having very cold weather , and the forecast looks colder . The driveway was too icy to take the horses out on Sunday , but I barely minded - it was in the low 20s when we were riding . With all this cold weather , I am sure the river will be freezing . We may be out of good trail rides for weeks or even a few months - very depressing . I have been staying very busy working the horses in the arena . Each week , I am taking a day off to help manage all these horses . Only 4 more weeks before Ellen will be able to help out , again . My riding is improving , and that is a good thing . It is one thing to practice circles on one horse - a far different thing to practice on four . He went through a phase where he just didn 't want to work . I adjusted our workout by starting with a bunch of tricks - side pass , turn on the haunches , transitions and leg yield attempts - with lots of clicks . It seems to be putting him in the right frame of mind , so when I start to really work , he is more enthusiastic . We have been attempting to do a leg yield at a trot , but since Cole is an over achiever , he is doing a sidepass at a trot . I have been shaping him to go more forward , and I think I will have it by spring . Last night , I introduced shoulder in at a walk , and he seemed to get it right away . I have taken him out on the trail whenever I can , and he has had some hyper moments to say the least , but most of the time , he has been terrific . A few of the days had very bad footing due to snow and ice , and he trotted very carefully when I needed him to . Cruiser I am riding him about 3 times a week , and leading him the rest of the time . Most of the time when I ride , I do a little trotting . He has been improving , and he feels stronger and more balanced - even though it has only been a couple weeks . He seems happier now that he is working , but I might be just projecting my feelings to him . No further signs of digestive discomfort , I am very happy to say . Dante is doing very nicely . He is a very steady and consistent horse to begin with , and that is only improving . He is starting to understand inter - gait transitions . The neat thing is - if I get him to go faster or slower - he then stays at that speed until I ask him to change it . I am getting more precision with him . He bending and circles are improving . Ellen is pretty happy with what he has been doing . We still haven 't gotten the canter in the arena , though . I hardly care since his trot is just so nice . My niece has been riding him about once a week , and he is really helping her learn to ride . Last week , I did bring him on a trail ride , and he was a bit excited since another person that we never met joined us , but he still contained himself . Ranger is tough because of his arthritis . He needs a long warm up , and he isn 't too enthusiastic about the work . A couple rides ago , I thought of clicking him when he trots a little livelier , and that is helping . I will keep up with it , and maybe it will make a difference . I did take him out on the trail before the weather turned and we had a great time . Some days , I just take him on a walk on the hill - and we have fun . He is a very pleasant horse to lead and since he has a terrific walk in spite of arthritis , you get a good workout with him . It was a nice 4 - day weekend . I was able to get Cole out on the trail 3 of the days . On Saturday , the driveway was just too icy . We were alone on our rides since Starry is recovering from a hoof abscess and my sister broke her ankle . My niece came out on Saturday and rode Ellen 's horses . I rode them the rest of the time - all in the arena . I have also been riding Cruiser a little , too . I am having fun , but it is exhausting . I thought I would work on circles for all off them . I had my niece do circles , too . I need the practice , since one of my seat bones doesn 't listen to me and tends to float off the saddle unless I am really concentrating . I also forget to use that outside rein for support . Since I get to practice on 4 horses - each with their own way of going on circles , I am hoping to instill good habits in myself . Ellen came out to watch us ride her horses on Saturday and Sunday . So far , she approves of what I am doing . Kevin rode Dante a little bit in the arena this weekend , and he fell in love with the way he trots . Kevin has never been able to sit a trot in his life , so he was so surprised to find out that he could on Dante . Dante even listened to him - something my horses never do … Back to Starry 's abscess . I had Kevin poulticing it since Starry wasn 't cooperating with soaking . I think a poultice is better , anyway . Yesterday , he thought the leg was swollen . I looked at it later when he wasn 't there , and it didn 't look swollen to me , but I figured it must have been stocked up and since Kevin was hand walking Starry , the swelling went down . His leg didn 't seem hot or sore . Starry has been walking well for the last couple days , and when I changed the poultice on Friday , there was evidence of draining . Starry was very fractious in his stall , too . He wasn 't acting like a sick horse . When I got home , I called Kevin and told him what I thought . He went back out to the barn , thought it was swollen more and started asking everyone about it . One person touched his leg and Starry picked it up , so she assumed it was sore . Another person sprayed liniment on it to reduce the swelling . Kevin started to get confused . When I went over Kevin 's house for dinner , he wanted me to go back to the barn with him to check Starry . By now , he thought the leg would be swollen up to the top . He thought the infection got into his bloodstream and maybe we would find him dead in his stall . Sometimes Kevin 's mind gets a little out of control . I looked at it , and it still didn 't seem swollen to me . One leg has a stocking and the other is a grayish brown color ( he is a buckskin ) so I was thinking it might be an illusion . I told him to go lead him . He walked sound . I touched his bad leg , and he did pull it away . I touched his good leg - and he did the same thing . I reminded Kevin that we teach our horses to pick their legs up when we touch them . It wasn 't hot , and when I firmly felt along his leg , he didn 't react . I tried to trot him in hand , but he wouldn 't . Kevin thought that he couldn 't , and that we shouldn 't even try . I told him - how else do we know how bad it is ? We need to trot him every day so we could see if there was any improvement . Kevin saw my logic . I was sure he was still lame , and I told him that so he wouldn 't be disappointed . We set Starry loose to free lounge him . Starry went crazy - trotting around like a maniac - never taking a single bad step . He is as sound as a dollar . We were both laughing with joy . He trotted both directions with a lot of bucking and some cantering , too . I was surprised that the boot that was covering his poulticed hoof stayed on through it all . Kevin was acting light hearted for the first time in days . Sudden Change of Plans for Thanksgiving Ellen and I were going to go to my brother 's house for our Thanksgiving - and then the plans came to a screeching halt . My sister - in - law called and postponed it unitl Saturday . She isn 't feeling well . That left Ellen , her boyfriend and me with no plans at all . I could have gone with Kevin , but that would leave Ellen stranded . Since I don 't think I can make it to the grocery store , I made a list of items that I could throw together for dinner and let Ellen pick . I sent her the following email invitation : You are cordially invited to Thanksgiving Dinner at the Mansion on the Hill . What do you desire for dinner ? I don 't have time to go to the store for lasagna fixings . Please choose from the following menu . Good news about Ellen . Her ankle is cracked and not completely broken . They put her in a walking boot - for only 6 weeks ! She is off of stall rest , and she is now on the hand walking stage . She even might stop out at the barn this weekend for a visit - though she won 't be able to do any work , yet . Now , a quick update on my rides . My niece came out on Saturday and she rode Dante in the arena . He listened very nicely to her . As she made corrections to her riding , he improved . We finally got a horse that she can learn on ! My horses generally won 't listen to anyone except Ellen and me . Ranger isn 't a whole lot better . They are just too used to us and won 't take anyone else seriously . I remember Cruiser just walking to the corner of the arena with them and refusing to come out . Sunday , I got to the barn early and rode Dante in the arena . He was such a good boy , and I know I am going to like riding him while Ellen is recovering . I then rode Cruise in there for the first time since he colicked . He was all over the place - wanting to look out windows and generally not listening well . I did trot him under saddle for the first time , and he is as sound as he was before the suspensory injury . ( He hasn 't been quite right since the bowed tendon in the same leg . ) I then went to take Cole on a trail ride with Kevin and Starry , but Starry kept coming up short . Kevin took him back , and left me to go on a very slow ride with Cole . It was in the low 20s , the ground was frozen solid and only suitable for walking . Cole didn 't like it , and went very slowly . I ended up leading him all the way home to stay warm . I really didn 't enjoy myself very much . I planned to ride Ranger a few times on the hill , but I didn 't want to freeze anymore , so I led him . It was about a half hour . He was in a very perky mood . The frozen ground didn 't bother him in the least ! Monday evening , I worked Cole in the arena , and he was just horrible ! He bolted 3 times and did a lot of jumps and spins . I don 't know what got into him . My next horse was Cruiser , and I was impress on how much more focused he was than the day before . He behaved like a gentleman , went straight and bent correctly on all his corners . We kept it at a walk , though . There was another horse in the arena with us , and I didn 't want to push my luck . I then took Ranger for a spin . I haven 't ridden him much at all in the arena , and at first it felt so strange to be on such a big horse - and so wide ! In the end , I really had fun . He has a few basic things that need to be smoothed out - like bad circles . We worked them at a walk and trot , and I did see some improvement . At the end , we did some clicker fun . I decided to try to teach him turn on the haunches . We got a number of correct first steps to the right . He loves clicker , and I bet next time it will be a lot easier . Then , it was time to doctor up Starry 's hoof . I thought he had busted out an abscess a few weeks ago on the pointy part of his frog , but when his farrier looked at it a few days later , he said it was just a shedding frog . So rather than cutting it out a little further , he told Kevin to put iodine on it . I was shocked that I could possibly be wrong . Mingo had that bad abscessed hoof that we struggled with for years - including 2 operations a year apart . He also abscessed in his other hooves . I know abscesses . When Starry had trouble on the frozen ground , I thought it was an abscess after all . Probably the original didn 't finish draining before it sealed . Kevin had a different farrier look at it , and he agreed . It is a very deep one that he didn 't think he could cut out . He told Kevin to do the soaking routine . By yesterday evening , it was much worse , and there was no doubt that it was an abscess . Starry wasn 't ' compliant with the soaking - it hurt too much , so I talked Kevin into a poultice . I helped him with it , and hopefully it will drain in a few days . I think it will be coming out of his heel , since it seems sensitive - and it wasn 't on Sunday . Cole Train Saves the Day Ellen and I took a few vacation days last week for trail riding . The first day was another of a series of near perfect rides with Dante . The second one was the same until the end . A while back , I mentioned that Ellen had a theory as to why Dante was being odd at one of the river crossings and it explained a few other odd things we noticed . That day , she angled him down the bank in a different way , and he was much more cooperative . We are fairly certain that there is something odd about his right eye . We have been around enough horses with blindness issues , that we know he isn 't blind at all , but maybe it that eye isn 't as strong or has poor depth perception - something like that . It happens in people ; why not animals ? It explained why he had trouble walking into his stall door . Ellen learned to circle him around to get him out . With a lot of positive reinforcement , he is fine , now . He also would get very nervous when horses approached him on the right - even horses he knew . We experimented with him and Cole , and there was a distinct difference in his behavior . On the left , he could care less . On the right , he shied away . This has also improved . The one thing we haven 't been able to fix is traffic . He is great with cars on the left and very upset about cars on the right . He is fine if they approach from the rear , but if they approach from the front , he is spooking nearly every time . It even happened to me one day when I was leading him , and I forgot about it - so it wasn 't a case of him picking up on my anticipation . It wasn 't a problem until one day , a car went past him too close and too fast on his right side . An ordinary horse would have gotten over it in a short time , but Dante is special . Well , on this fateful day , we stepped out of the trail to get to the barn - just 2 doors down - and there was a truck completely blocking the right hand lane . Ellen and Dante were in the lead . There was no traffic coming , so she was going to go around the truck and back to the proper side of the street . When she got into the far lane , a car was pulling out of the driveway from the neighboring stable - forcing Ellen to the wrong side of the road . Though the driver went slowly , she was very close to Dante . He spooked and just as she passed him , she jammed on the gas and took off . Dante was a nervous mess - and another car was coming . To get him out of the way for everyone 's safety , Ellen decided to bring him into the ditch alongside of the road . It is a shallow ditch and there wasn 't any water in it . It seemed like a perfect solution to the problem . Dante did spook again , too . Unfortunately , Ellen took a misstep caused my the uneven ground and went down - hearing an audible snap as she did . I wasn 't too far behind with Cole , so I was there , immediately . She felt she could walk , but walking Dante was out of the question since we didn 't know how he would behave . She told me to give her Cole . At worst , if she couldn 't walk , I knew that Cole would stand quietly for her until I could get help . Of course , he would probably be parked out and bowing , but he would stand . I took Dante and we headed down the nearby drive - tears in my eyes . Ellen was following with Cole - very slowly - much slower than Cole would typically be walking with the barn in sight . The woman who owned the neighboring barn saw and asked if she could take Cole to help , but Ellen declined because Cole was supporting her and she gimped along . I got Dante back to the barn , and Kevin was there . He rushed out to Ellen and helped her to a chair . I unsaddled the horses and we prepared to take Ellen to the hospital . This is when she told me what Cole did for her . He really did save the day . A few years ago , I taught him to match my footsteps when I walked deliberately - mostly to get control of him when he used to be a bit wild . This morphed into his silly walk . When I lift my legs high , he does too . Well Cole , who Ellen says is her hero , matched Ellen 's slow and deliberate step as he brought her home . Her ankle is broken , and she is very , very upset . I will be taking care of her horses until she gets better , so I will be quite busy . Too bad for me that winter is here and most of it will be indoors . Good for her , though . She won 't be missing any fantastic trail rides . The only ones she 's miss will be very , very cold . Cruiser Dodges a Bullet - I Hope Cruiser Dodges a Bullet - I Hope It was a very rough weekend . I went out to ride Dante on Friday night in the arena . ( I was giving Cole a break . ) When I brought him back into the barn , Cruiser was laying down . That alone wouldn 't have been alarming , except that Kevin mentioned he was laying down earlier . He was on his side and breathing hard . I thought I would lure him to get up to make sure he was alright . I grabbed his hay cubes that had been soaking and put them in his stall . He immediately got up . I went to unsaddle Dante , looked back at Cruiser and he was standing in his hay cube dish instead of eating out of it . I got scared . He then lay back down , and I grabbed the phone to call the vet . Of course , it was the emergency vet at this time of the night , and I didn 't know her . I told her what was happening . She said she was out walking her dog and would call me when she got back in . By the time she got back , Cruise seemed perfectly normal - and was trying to get to the hay cubes I had taken away from him . He didn 't have a fever , either . I was worried he may have gotten the virus that Ranger had a few weeks ago . She said not to give him any food and see how he was in the morning . The next morning , he was fine . Ellen and I went riding , came back and he still looked good , so I gave him some hay cubes . Ellen went out to ride Ranger , and I walked with her . When we returned , Cruiser still seemed good , so I took him on his half hour walk . He then had his lunch , and I went home . A few hours later , I got the call . Cruiser was lying on his side and breathing hard . Kevin lives very close to the barn , so he went to check . I didn 't wait to hear from him , but called the vet right away . It was the same emergency vet since it was the weekend . She was way out on the other side of the world and couldn 't make it for an hour and a half . I went out to the barn to find Kevin leading Cruiser . He kept wanting to lay down . This was serious . When the vet finally arrived , when she saw him , she told me she didn 't have a good feeling about it . We brought him back to his stall . She gave him a tranquilizer and a shot of Banamine . She then examined him and tubed him . He had passed plenty of manure while we were waiting for the vet , so an impaction seemed unlikely . She couldn 't find anything apparently wrong , and that was a good sign , but it could be a sign that things were more complicated . The biggest problem - his age . She felt it was serious enough that she gave me the " talk . " If he doesn 't improve in 48 hours , it will be time to end his suffering . He was no candidate for surgery , and if I took him to a clinic for further examination , I wouldn 't like what I saw - and couldn 't do anything about it . Though , she did say that he looked very healthy and that was something in his favor . When the tranquilizer wore off , he immediately tried to lie down . She said that was a very bad sign . We pulled him out of his stall and kept him walking . Every time I tried to put him back in his stall , he tried to lie down , again . When the vet left , she told me I could give him another dose of Banamine and it would take about 45 minutes to work . I did , but it didn 't . 45 minutes came and left . I would allow him to stand as long as he was comfortable . When he felt bad , he wanted to walk . A few times , he nearly knocked me over in his desire to be moving . We would walk a few minutes , and then I would try standing , again . Eventually , I realized that I could have him stand by the mounting block and then I could sit down . Kevin got us some dinner from Burger King , and we ate in shifts . Almost an hour and a half from the time I gave him the Banamine , I had him standing by the mounting block and one of the boarders was talking to Kevin and me . I was just watching Cruiser and noticed his eyelids were getting heavy . Could it be ? Yes ! He was falling asleep ! I let him rest a few minutes , took him back to his stall and right away , he fell asleep standing up . The worst was over . Kevin and I went back to his house for a few hours . When I came back , Cruiser looked fine , just tired . I led him around to make sure . Then - back to Kevin 's for a few hours and then back to check on him . All was the same . I went home . I knew they did the AM feeding about 5 : 00 AM , so I slept - waiting for the phone call - and it didn 't come . I went back to the barn in the morning , and he looked good . I called the vet , and she said we could feed him some hay cubes and see what happened . I waited to feed him so we could make sure he was alright . The vet had said we had to remain vigilant for the next 24 hours . Ellen and I were there all morning , riding the other horses , and when he still seemed healthy , I figured I could go home for a few hours . I gave him the cubes - made them really soupy - not the way he likes them . He nibbled at them . When the other horses got their grain and he didn 't , he was very upset . He stopped eating his cubes and stood by his grain dish . He was going back and forth . Finally , he took his hoof and flipped the hay cube dish upside down . I went to get him some hay to soak and Ellen scooped the mush back into his dish . He started to eat then , since at least it wasn 't soupy . He dug into the soaked hay , too . The day before , it seemed that the colic showed up about 3 hours after feeding . I had time to walk the dog , take a shower and get a nap in before the call would come - but it never did . I went out to see him in the late afternoon , gave him more cubes , back to Kevin 's for a few hours and then back to the barn for another small meal of hay cubes . We have been giving him many small meals , and he hasn 't gotten any grain , yet . Maybe in a few days . He seems 100 % normal . Since we don 't know what caused it all , we don 't know if it will happen again . He has never been a colicky horse . Time will tell , but in the meantime , I am just thankful I still have my wonderful Cruiser . Riding Vacation I took a little riding vacation in the middle of the week , and it was so much fun . It started on Monday night . I decided to give Cole a day off and rode Dante in the arena , instead . This is the first time I ever did it without my sister around , so I got to ride the whole session . I really enjoyed myself . He was so well behaved and attentive . There was another horse being lounged and later ridden while we were in there - and he never even glanced his way . That 's not how it would have been on Cole or Cruiser . It was most wonderful . Tuesday , we woke up to our first snow of the year - and it was pretty chilly . Ellen was off , too , so we took Cole and Ranger out in the snow for a 5 - mile ride . We had fun and managed to stay warm . The river was a little high , so she rode Dante in the arena . I was able to take what I learned from riding the night before to help her out . I have never seen her ride him so well . I had introduced half halts to him , and he was starting to understand them . Well , I coached Ellen on it , and she continued the lesson . He kept moving and a prettier and prettier frame . I led Cruiser for 15 minutes and then rode him for 15 minutes . He did well . Wednesday , Ellen had to work , so I planned a ride with Kevin . For variety , we decided to do the show ring trails . I haven 't been up there in about a month . Well , between the wind and cold and the fact that it was in the middle of the afternoon - a time I seldom ride - I ended up with a very hyper horse . His worst moment was when Starry took off while he was behind him and startled him . Cole bolted and bucked . You should have seen the look on the fisherman 's face that we nearly ran into . Well , it wasn 't that close , but I think the fisherman thought so . From then on , Cole was charged . I ended up leading him part of the way home - partly due to his behavior and partly because I was cold . I was glad I did because we heard some pretty loud gunshots and he leapt into the air . Starry didn 't notice . I think he is a mutant horse . Thursday , Ellen was off , again . She asked me to ride Dante since the river was too high for her comfort , but she knew I would be fine . She rode Ranger . Dante was just awesome , though he did spin at the water 's edge on our first try . He was very willing for the second try . We trotted a lot and he didn 't even spook when the flock of turkeys took off to fly across the river . They were so beautiful . A blue heron flew by at the same time . What a sight . I then took a ride with Cole and Kevin on Starry . They were so much better than the day before , but we were on familiar trails , so that helped . It was the warmest day of the 3 , making it a very enjoyable ride . Ellen then came over my house and we worked on my garden wall until dark . It is nearly complete . Almost all the stones are laid down . I have one corner to fix and then we will level the dirt and wait until spring to get some new topsoil and plant flowers . It has taken me all summer and fall with help from Ellen and Kevin , but it was worth it . It will be so pretty when it is planted . November in cleveland can be pretty dreary . Most of the leaves are down and it is very gray . We get a lot of cloudy days this time of year - and the few sunny ones are to be treasured . Here is Starry crossing the river this weekend . Being a dirty buckskin , he kinda blends right in ! Dreariness doesn 't keep us from riding , though . As long as it isn 't raining , you will still find us out there . The park is quieter and that is a bonus . We had such a nice fall weekend . On Saturday , my niece came out to ride with us . She rode Ranger - who hadn 't been on the trail in a week because of his virus . Since it was his first time out and the weather was chilly , he was a bit of a challenge . He did a couple of his kitten bucks and there were countless spooks , but my niece stayed on and had a good time . Cole was very patient and well behaved . Due to the height of the river , Ellen chose to ride Dante at the barn . She worked him in the arena for a while and then let my niece give him a try . She rode him a few months ago in the arena , and he was totally uncooperative . This time , he was very responsive . We then took him outside with Cruiser , and we rode the barn trail . Both horses did well . On Sunday , I got to ride Dante on the trail and Ellen rode Ranger . Both horses were awesome - Ranger was much more reasonable than the day before . This meant I could ride Cole on my own - no more being kind to my fellow riders . We went blasting down the trail , and we both had so much fun . Towards the end , a squirrel ran right in front of us . Cole was startled and swerved away and I lost my balance . He wouldn 't stop , and he was running right for the street . I didn 't think I would be able to stay on , and I wanted to keep him off the road . I put my effort into trying to turn him . I started to regain my balance - and he swerved the other way ! I nearly lost it , again , but in the end , I lost my other strirrup , instead , grabbed his belly with my legs and somehow found myself right in the middle of the saddle where I belonged . Then he stopped . Silly boy - all over a squirrel . Then I got to ride Cruiser again ! My third time ! I am leading him for 15 minutes and riding him 15 minutes . He is doing well and seems to like it . Ellen and I were going to take a day off , together , but she couldn 't get that day . I decided I would take it off , anyway . She would be able to ride with me in the morning , so all wasn 't lost . Then I saw the forecast - it was supposed to rain all night and continue on into the morning . There was enough rain to ensure that the river wouldn 't be able to be crossed . All was lost . I would have been better off at work . Then I had a brilliant idea . I didn 't tell anyone what I planned . I was going to make it a special day - after all - I was celebrating an anniversary . Well , I don 't know what the actual date of the anniversary was - I never wrote it down - but I knew that I bought Cruiser 24 years ago in early November . It was early November . I was going to celebrate - by riding him ! I felt he was ready to go . I had been trotting him every time we went on our physical therapy walks for a month and I hadn 't seen a bad step . It was time to increase his workload , and I would do it by adding my weight on his back . I know that it was an important part of his recovery from his bowed tendon , so it should help with the suspensory ligament . When I told Ellen , she was surprised and happy . We started our morning with her riding Dante in the indoor arena . I wanted to lead Cruiser for 15 minutes and then ride 15 minutes . Towards the end of her ride , I saddled up and brought Cruiser in to lead . After a warmup walk , we did some trotting in hand . A few times , it turned into spooking in hand and even bucking in hand . I think that Cruiser was excited to be saddled up . He seemed to have more lift in his step in both the walk and the trot . He definitely was acting out , too . Ellen put Dante back in his stall and came out to help me with Cruiser . She held his stirrup , and I climbed up . I gave a happy sigh . I was at home . we walked around a few laps and then the rain quit . We headed out and rode the little trail loop in the back of the property until we hit our 15 minutes . Of course we stayed at a walk . His walk felt good with no irregularities . If anything , it seemed more even than in the past . Ellen told me it was a little pacey , but it wasn 't so fast that he was doing his stepping pace . It was a lovely and exciting feeling to be back on the best horse - ever . I hope Cruiser wasn 't disappointed that it was such an unexciting ride , but he seemed content . He has always been a horse that was happy to work - as long as he was on the trail . This was kind of a trail . Maybe it wasn 't a special moment for him , but it sure was for me . Ellen rode Ranger and then she had to go to work . I took Cole on the hill , and we rode up and down 4 times - - twice we trotted up . We did a lot of trotting and cantering at the bottom , too , so he ended up getting a good workout . This is a very busy time of year for Thunder - leaf hunting season . With all the leaves falling , he seems to be glued to the windows . We have 2 large picture windows - and they both belong to him . If we have one of those gusty days , and he is busy elsewhere , he will run to the window when he hears the wind whistle . He just gets so keyed up . In the morning , after a big breakfast , he will go up on his tower and refuse to come down for his teeth brushing . I can 't pick him up because he just hangs on tightly with his claws . Sometimes , I have to put the chair by the tower and threaten to brush his teeth while he is up there . That convinces him to come down for a couple of minutes . I brushe his teeth - and back up he goes . He has even been coming to bed late . He wants to stay up and watch the leaves . I am feeling so irrelevant . Still , it is only a few short weeks in the fall and spring that he gets like this . ( Much of my trees are red oaks that lose most of their leaves in the spring . ) I do find I can get more things done around the house because he is so busy . Maggie , aka Dumb Dog , doesn 't get leaf hunting at all . This is a good thing - since she tends to mess up his squirrel hunting . When she starts to bark at the squirrels , he climbs down his tower just far enough so that he can reach her - and bats her in the head . At least he can hunt his leaves in peace . Arena Ride Day 3 , 4 and 5 With all the excitement of Ranger 's virus , I forgot to mention about Cole 's arena work . On Day 3 , I opted to turn him out to play in the huge outdoor arena . It finally was dry enough that I felt he would run . ( He won 't run much in mud . ) Run he did - until he was just dripping in sweat . I cleaned him up the best I could and then rode him at a walk out on the drive for a half hour until the indoor arena was empty of riding lessons . We then went inside and rode all around the arena - mostly at a walk since he was exhausted . After 15 minutes , he was totally desensitized in the indoor arena . I gave him a day off and then tried Day 4 . I waited until the arena was empty and the barn was quiet . Well , we were successful . He did try to run to the barn door on the first lap around , but when he found out that didn 't work , he behaved quite well . We worked on trotting on the scary end , and by the end of this ride , I was totally desensitized to the indoor arena . The next couple rides fell on the weekend , so we managed to get a couple trail rides . Yesterday was Day 5 in the arena , and he was his old self - and so was I . We were able to work on our transitions and consistency with his trot . I am just so out of practice . This arena trotting is tough . His movement is just so big . The most I managed was one and a half laps before I would have to stop , pull myself back together and then start again . I made it a half hour and then headed outside to ride on the drive because it was such a pretty night . Ellen , Kevin and I all the 5 : 00 AM phone call on Saturday morning from the barn manager . Ranger wasn 't eating his breakfast and was acting like he was uncomfortable . No one wants to get that call . Ellen went out , and I just waited by the phone . I couldn 't go back to sleep - I was a wreck . I 'm sure Ellen felt even worse . She called me a short time later - she was going to call the vet . Something was really wrong . I still waited at the phone . The vet was there and gone by 7 : 00 AM . It wasn 't colic ! Hurray ! It was a virus . He had a 102 degree fever and was feeling pretty bad . She gave him 3 shots , and gave Ellen all kinds of instructions . I was supposed to take my niece out to ride that morning , and she called a few minutes later to cancel . I headed out to the barn to find Ranger looking mopey , but he was eating . After a while , he just broke out into a full body sweat . There was steam all over . He was eating , though . Ellen rode Dante in the arena while I walked Cruise . When we were done , Ranger seemed much better . I took Cole out on a ride with Kevin and Starry , and Ellen hiked along . The ride went well . We all went back to the barn . Ranger seemed pretty good - just tired . The next morning - you would never know anything was wrong at all ! She took him with me on Cruiser 's walk - and he was friskier than Cruiser . Hard to believe he was the same horse . What a relief . The river was still too high for Dante , but Ellen didn 't feel like riding in the arena . Instead , we did the hill twice . He is having some issues on the hill - multiple trips seem to bother horses until they understand the routine . There is nothing we can 't work out with practice - he is nowhere near as bad as Cole was for the first couple years . Cole was just a terror on the hill . Dante just wants to rush a little on the way home and not stop . When we got home , we didn 't take him into the barn , but led him to the back of the property - something he often does after an arena ride . Well , Dante threw a few temper tantrums because he didn 't go back to the barn . He gave us one more thing to work on . I was able to take Cole on another fun ride with Kevin and Starry . The second river was pretty high , but it was clear . Since the park was so busy with people enjoying the beautiful fall weather , we opted to cross the river instead of using the road . Cole did so well ! He took slow , careful and steady steps . I gave him peppermints . He deserved them ! Thursday , my sister and I took the day off to ride in the morning and wait for the farrier in the evening . The river was a little high , so she rode Dante in the arena while I led Cruiser . We then took Ranger and Cole and a very lovely ride . We waited and waited for the farrier . Turns out - he forgot about us . This is the first in 26 years , so I guess we will forgive him . He may be getting senile , but we will keep him - he 's a great guy and a great farrier . On Saturday , since my sister hadn 't ridden Dante across the river because it was too high in a couple of weeks , it was cold and windy , and it made her nervous , she said I could ride him ! Yes ! I was happy to take him out on a ride . She rode Ranger - and it turned out that I had the easier horse . Ranger bounced out of the barn , kitten bucked on the trail and was just full of energy . Dante was feeling good , too , but all he did was try to trot a few times when we wanted to walk . We had a nice ride to the second river with a lot of trotting . Ellen got to watch him , too , so she could see how pretty he is . This left me free to ride Cole with Starry . That meant I could go fast ! Starry and Cole like to travel quickly together , and Cole was really feeling his oats . We had speed , some bucks and a very exciting ride . Starry behaved - he just had to keep up with Cole On Sunday , Ellen rode Dante with me on Cole . This time , we crossed Dante 's difficult river . He walked very slowly down the bank , but he made it . Crossing went well . We did a lot of trotting and then turned around and came home . We crossed the river and did a bunch more trotting . It was fun . Cole was more himself and not the crazy horse of the day before . Two days later , I am ready to tackle the arena , again . When I arrived at the barn , it was empty - so I hurried up and saddled Cole . When I got out there , a trainer was in the middle of the arena trying to put a bridle on a horse . The horse was fighting him . Cole came prancing in - a big version of his silly walk . I don 't know if that caused the horse to break away , or if the horse just didn 't want to be bridled , but the next thing we knew , the big horse was running all around the arena . I told Cole to stand still , and he did his best , but this was just too much for him . He danced about ( really , he wasn 't bad - not as bad as Cruiser would have been ) as I tried to calm him down . Keep in mind , other horses scare Cole - and a loose horse running around terrified him . Thirty seconds later , the horse was caught , and I was heading out of the arena . Cole was too wound up for this , and I didn 't know what they were going to do with the horse . I was just going to ride around the property . I mounted up , and I could feel the energy coursing through Cole 's body . We headed to the back of the property , but didn 't get too far and turned back . I saw a couple ladies coming back from a trail ride , and they were heading for the back of the property , too . I asked if I could follow them . Cole did pretty well , but once we turned to go back to the barn , he started to prance and get excited . I dismounted and tried to lead him . He was just awful - prancing , dancing , spinning , trotting - it was a difficult walk back . We went back into the arena . As we stepped through the gate , Cole bucked and kicked out . He likes to make an entrance . The horse that terrified him was being ridden all around in a lesson - and he made Cole nervous . I led him around , and he continued to misbehave . I put him into the silly walk , and we practiced parking out and bowing just so I could get him focused on me . It helped . By now , there was an audience . I got to hear about how cute he was , and that he would be perfect as the next Breyer model . I didn 't feel like that at the time . After about 15 minutes , the lesson slowed down to a walk , so I mounted and walked around , too . Cole was much better . Once again , to focus him on me , we worked on our tricks - spinning and sidepassing . The other horse left , and we were alone . By now , our session was nearly over . I still had to walk Cruiser and do all my chores . I rode full laps at a walk a number of times in both directions , threw in some trotting and called it a day . Well , I got through it - my first evening arena ride . I had a surprise visit of nerves . Remember how I used to be afraid of riding over at the far end ? It didn 't help that it was windy and rainy outside . The neighbor 's dogs were barking , too . If I would have spent the time early in the ride to walk the perimeter a few times , I might have been all right , but a kid was there that wanted to see the pre - ride warm up , so we put on a little in hand show of silly walk and bowing . Once I got into the saddle , he wanted to practice his side passes and spins - getting plenty of ooohs and ahhhs . It got Cole all hyped up . Once they left , he still wanted to put a show on , so he was very bouncy and reactive . The weird part is , if he would do those things on the trail , I wouldn 't get nervous at all . Anyway , we worked through it . It took me a half hour before I could trot both directions around the far end , but I did it . Next time , I will immediately walk him on the far end , over and over , until my nerves are replaced with boredom . It has worked in the past , so I am sure it will work , again . The big trot is back , and I feel like a lousy rider . He is throwing me all over the saddle , but apparently , he looks good . If I can survive the huge leap into the transition , I do pretty well . I will have to build up my muscles and endurance . I forgot how tough he can be . Now , for the good news . Cruiser keeps improving . We trotted probably a total of 5 minutes . He also threw in a canter in the beginning and a buck at the end . He is very happy to be doing the trotting , so that is a good sign , too . His speed has increased a little , and there is still no sign of lameness in either direction . He is prompt on his transitions , and it looks like he may be striding out a little more . The tough part is I don 't have much endurance for trotting in hand . This is another thing I need to build up on . I don 't want to lounge him because I don 't want to do a lot of circles . Things are looking up for Cruiser , and that is a wonderful thing . My niece came out to ride on Saturday . The river was too high for Dante , so I went with her on Ranger and me on Cole . We had a fine ride - except for the rain . We turned back a little bit early . Ellen was out hiking , so she got wet , too . She rode Dante in the arena while I walked Cole . The rain let up a little , so my niece rode Dante outside to cool off . Ellen had to work on Sunday , so I had planned a long ride on Cole with Kevin . Since it rained all day on Saturday , we didn 't expect to cross the river , so we cancelled . I got out early , cleaned stalls and walked Cruiser . Kevin wasn 't there , yet , so I walked down to the river to check it . Much to my surprise , it was crossable ! I called Kevin and left him a message . He lives very close to the barn . I walked back and he wasn 't there , so I killed some time . Still no Kevin , so I left him a note to say where I was riding and left on my own . Cole was feeling very frisky in the cool fall air , and the first half hour had some challenges . Once we got to the good trails , I let him trot it out and he started to settle down . I threw in some cantering , but it was a mostly trotting day . He gets into a good , fast rhythm , and it is just a joy to ride . We turned around and trotted back . We were about halfway home when we found Kevin on Starry . We were all happy to see each other , and rode home together . Cole and I were out 2 hours and 20 minutes . Kevin was out about 2 hours . It was an extremely satisfying ride . I can 't wait until next year when Ellen will be joining me with Dante . Ellen and I took a couple of days off to ride and for fall shots . Unfortunately , the river was a little too high to cross Dante . We took Cole , Ranger and Starry up to the show ring trails and had a very nice time . I led Cruiser while Ellen worked Dante in the arena . They are steadily improving . Ellen then came over my house and we worked on rebuilding my garden wall . We got the first 4 layers finished . Since the big stones need to go on the bottom , there was a lot of heavy lifting . Most of the stones took both of us to lift . We were both very sore from it , but at least it is starting to come into shape . Now that we are down to smaller stones , I can work on it a little on my own . Yesterday , the river was too high for us to cross any of our horses . Once again , I led Cruise while Ellen rode Dante in the arena . Then we rode Cole and Ranger on the hill three times . We went out to lunch at Burger King - then came back to wait for the vet . I untangled Cole 's mane and part of his tail - then I got bored . I never got to Cruiser 's mane and tail . I just groomed him . The vet was on the early side . All the horses got fall shots . Dante was really good . Since Ranger is petrified of the vet , it was nice that Ellen ended up with a horse that wants to make friends with the vet instead of run away . Only Ranger and Dante needed their teeth done . The other three are good for another year . The weather is not looking too promising for the weekend . Whatever happens , we will make the best of it . Next week , there just will not be any time for a trail ride after work - it will be time to start riding Cole in the arena . Sigh … Anyway , Kevin and I went on a short and fast ride Friday evening . It went well , but we realized it would have to be the last of the year like that . It was just too dark to be riding along the street when we got back . Time to start riding in the indoor arena . Kevin is retired , so he will just ride without me during the day . On Saturday , Ellen and I took Cole and Dante out . Remember last weekend when Ellen ended up leading Dante across the second river because he refused to cross ? Well , this time , she brought a change of clothes . Her plan was to dismount if he seemed at all hesitant - before he figured out that she was dismounting because he wouldn 't cross . Right away , when they reached the spot where the trail splits - one way leading to the river and the other to the street - Dante demonstrated that he wanted to go to the street . Ellen dismounted . I rode Cole into the water , and Dante came down the bank - one slow step after the next . I would say that it took him less than 5 minutes to get into the water . It was a huge improvement over last weekend . Ellen remounted on the other side and we continued the ride . On the way back , she dismounted right away - after all , she was already wet . This time , he went down the bank fairly steadily . I would say it was less than 2 minutes to get into the water . We rode home happily . She rode Ranger while I hiked along . On Sunday , we planned to do the same thing . As we neared the river , she told me she had a theory and she wanted to try things a little different . If they worked , she would tell me the theory . I asked her if it would give me something to write about . When she told me " Yes , absolutely . " I was all enthusiastic . She said to ride just beyond the spot where we turn to the river and approach it from the other direction . There was a convenient tree in the right spot to loop around . I brought Cole first . She followed along with Dante - staying in the saddle this time . Dante slowly and carefully made his way down the bank . There was very little hesitation . I would say it took less than 2 minutes to reach the water . He then carefully followed Cole across . We enjoyed a nice ride on the other side , turned around and came back to the river . We approached it the same as always , because there was no choice in this direction . He was in the water in less than a minute . I know you are dying to know what her theory is , but I am going to hold back until we get a little more proof to support it . There has been a number of odd things that Dante does that have been puzzling us all along . Her theory explains them all , but I want to observe him a little bit more before I let everyone know what it is . The theory is a little off the wall , so I don 't want to sound like we are crazy . I do know that it worked . Now for the best news . Cruiser 's appetite is fully up to where it was before he lost it . He is back to eating like a horse . Another thing - right before he lost his appetite , I tested him at the trot - and he seemed stiff but as sound as he was before the injury . ( He has a bit of arthritis as most horses his age . ) I didn 't tell anyone because he then lost his appetite , and I didn 't know what was going to happen . I then decided to keep it to myself for a while since I have gotten my hopes up before only to have them dashed to the ground . It 's bad enough that I have been going through an emotional roller coaster - no reason for Ellen to go through it , too . Well , while I was walking him this weekend , he started to misbehave and Ellen saw him trot . the cat was out of the bag . I asked her opinion as to if he looked as good as he did before the injury , and she agreed . I don 't exactly know what we will be doing in the near future , but only a couple months after I gave up complete hope , there is some hope back that I may be able to do light rides with him next year . He has pulled off miracles before in his life , and he might just do it again . He has sarcoid warts that disappeared on their own - astonishing the vet , and tumor on his thyroid that vanished - astonishing the vet , he came back from a bad tendon injury ( not so miraculous , but close ) and completely recovered from that hopeless cough last year due to COPD - and we haven 't had any trouble since - just by switching from hay to hay cubes . Will he be able to heal from a bad injury at such an advanced age ? Or will he manage to aggravate it again . Time will tell , and I am actually reluctant to start hoping , again , but I am human . And hope springs eternal in the human breast … I have been only doing Thunder training a couple times a week . I am going to try to do it more because he really seems to enjoy himself . I made him a little box tower . I had 3 very sturdy boxes that I got from work . I used 2 as the base and put the third on top . This way , he has steps to get to the top . He is a very careful cat - not the kind that would leap up from the floor . No , he likes to step up . To make it even easier , on 2 sides of his box tower , I placed 2 even lower boxes alongside . This way he can go up 2 steps to get to the top . He likes to go on his box tower even if we aren 't training , but he really likes when I incorporate it in his training sessions . Sometimes , when he hears me get the clicker , he goes to the top of his box tower to wait for me . The training is simple I tap the top of the box , and he walks up . I click and treat him . Then I ask him to come down - then go sit on the coffee table - then back to the box tower . You get the idea . I will throw in a few " sit ups " and " touch nose to target " for variety . Well , the other night , I took a small scratching post that he never uses and laid it on it 's side to turn it into a jump . He has done jumping in his training before , but here is what got me so excited about this . On my first request , he jumped down from the box tower and leapt over the jump in one command . When I tapped the top of the box tower , he leapt the jump and then jumped up to the top of the tower . It wasn 't a fluke . He did it a number of times . He was so cute . At the end of the session - which can only go about 10 minutes because his tummy gets full - I realized that Maggie never moved from my side . I give her a treat with every click , but in the past , she was so excited , she would get up and I would have to reposition her . This time , she didn 't move . No wonder my session went so well . Maggie wasn 't distracting Thunder . That only inspires me to do more training . If Maggie stays still , we can train over a larger area . When Thunder was finished , I spent some time with Maggie practicing her jumping through her hoop . Cruiser seems to be over whatever it was that made him go off his feed . We did switch his grain from Safe N Easy to Triple Crown Senior . It has a little less carbs , more fiber and smells much more palatable . That wasn 't the problem , though , because he wasn 't finishing his alfalfa cubes , either . Now , he is eating everything . It is wonderful . I was so worried . On Monday , I was only able to work Cole on the hill since the river was too high . It was very overcast , too , so I didn 't have very much time . It was the first cool day we had in a while , so he was very , very hyper . On the second trip up , we saw a raccoon run across the trail , and he bucked and tried to go after it . After that , I decided that 2 trips was enough . We went back to the barn and I led him to the back of the property and then took him in the arena and did some in - hand work . With Cole , that means trick . We did park , bow , silly walk and big , bold trot in hand . Each time , the trot got bigger and more spectacular because I was clicking him for it . He is such a show off . The river was down , yesterday , so Kevin and I took Starry and Cole on a quick 40 minute ride before the sun went down . Cole had wings on his feet , again . When we got to the spot that I like to canter , I kept him at a trot - and we flew . It is so exciting to ride a trot like that . Starry had to canter to keep up . I kept hearing Kevin saying I should slow down , and I just told him I was only trotting . We trotted on the way home , but we kept Starry in front . He goes speedy , but sensibly . Cole knows he must follow other horses quietly , so it settled him right down - and we got home before dark . I am going to miss these short and intense rides . It won 't be much longer , and we just won 't have time left to do it . It was supposed to be a rainy weekend , but we managed to get our rides in . Friday night , Kevin and I had a quick ride before sunset . We have to make it fast , now , if we want to get a trail ride in . Saturday , I took Cole with Ellen and Dante . All went well until we wanted to cross the second river , and he didn 't . Just getting him down the bank was tough . She finally told me to ride on without her . I left reluctantly , and met her on the way back . She had to lead him across , and she was still on foot and not very happy . Of course , she had to cross on the way home , too . She was wet and on foot , so she led him down the bank and across the river . Although he didn 't do it readily , he still managed to get into the water in just a couple of minutes . Once he is in the water , he is fine . We don 't really know what the problem is , but it may be the steep , muddy banks . He has crossed this river quite well a number of times until last week . We are very perplexed about it . It rained on Saturday night , and the river was elevated , but not bad . We took Cole and Ranger out on a really nice ride . The second river crossing was too high - as it is normally deeper there to begin with - so we crossed on the ford . Ellen didn 't feel very good about taking Dante across the river - it was just a case of nerves . It really wasn 't very high . She told me I could take him on a ride , instead . I jumped at the chance . She walked with me down the hill and crossed the river on foot with us . Dante was just fine . Once on the other side , I took off trotting and barely stopped until it was time to turn around . Even then , I continued to trot home until I caught up with Ellen . We walked from there . Dante was very good the whole ride . The only thing that bothered him is when the wind would gust very hard - and then acorns came flying off the trees . It was like we were under attack . I just made him stand each time until the crisis was over . We had 3 gusts like that . Now for the sad part of the weekend . Cruiser was off his feed . He was only eating about half his grain and half his hay cubes . He was just fine on Friday , off on Saturday , improved on Sunday and much better on Monday . Ellen checked on him this morning , and he ate all except about ½ pound of grain . He seems all right in all other ways . There was another horse just 2 stalls down that went through something like this last week , so maybe there is something going around - I don 't know , but it sure does put me out of sorts with worry . It might be a dental issue , and the vet is scheduled to come out next week for shots and dentals , so we shall see . Posted by Starry D is my boyfriend 's horse . He is an Appendix Quarter Horse ( half Quarter Horse / half Thoroughbred . ) He is the tallest horse in our little herd . Cole looks tiny next to him . He is very gentle and good natured . His one big fault is he hates bugs . Now that bug season is over , he is a much happier horse - - and goes much slower . He is the slowest walker when there are no bugs . Posted by Maggie . The dog I didn 't want . The dog that Thunder didn 't want . Problem was - no one else wanted her , either . When Dad died , we were stuck with her , so we had to make the best of it . I am no stranger to having dogs . Our family had dogs all my life . Pollie , the last one , was a real treasure . When Dad wanted another one , I cried . I didn 't want to be walking a dog every day in all kinds of weather . I didn 't want a dog to be interfering with my Thunder time . Dad was so lonely after Pollie died , of course I gave in . Maggie came into our lives . Now , she has been mine for a year . I don 't like that I have to come home from work to take her out - I wish I could go directly to the barn - so much . I lose a lot of trail riding time because it is too dark when I get there . I love trail riding on chilly October evenings . Well , that is no more . That 's the worst part , though . I was worried that she wouldn 't be able to adapt to being home by herself while I was at work , but I was blessed by her being a dog of less - than - average intelligence . Pollie would have been a problem . She was smarter than a lot of people - being a Sheltie mix . Maggie is a Sprollie ( Border Collie / Spaniel ) but she takes after the Spaniel side - no sheepdog in her brain . Give her a duck to chase , and she is happy . She doesn 't need a lot of mental stimulation . She hasn 't developed any issues at all from her mostly boring life . Rather , she adapted like a champ . She is at the point where she only destroys things that are easy to get and tempting . It 's been months since she knocked down the garbage can . I do have to be careful what I leave in my coat pockets if she can reach them . I lost a cell phone that way … She doesn 't come when she is called - and since she likes to run down to the street , I can 't let her loose in the yard . ( I think her time in the wild taught her that there is garbage to eat by the street . ) She is great on a leash - until she sees another dog on a leash - then she goes nuts . I don 't know what to do about that . Thunder does pick on her an awful lot . I yell at her if she tries to retaliate , and praise her when she runs away . She does sometimes interfere with our games if she hasn 't had her walk , yet . She is a good guard dog . The other night , she was barking like crazy at something - and it continued until shortly before I got up . When I came downstairs , I found a dead wasp , so I guess she was defending the house . So overall , we have adapted - though I think Thunder wouldn 't mind if she decided to go live with the coyotes . He does like chasing her , though . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Reagan Michael Christian , Ray to his friends , just turned eight . The day after his birthday , he sat at the old , wooden kitchen table . In front of the blonde - haired boy , a large , scarred egg rested on a worn blue dishtowel . The gray - white egg was a present from his Uncle Burt . It came all the way from South Dakota . His mother stopped stirring a chicken casserole . She thought a minute , her large wooden spoon dripping sauce back into the steaming dish . " I don 't know , Ray , " she said . " I wish it would hatch , " Ray continued . " I think it would be cool to have a real dinosaur . " The blond - headed boy picked up the egg and turned it over , looking for cracks in the shell . " Oh , Mom , " Ray said . " I was just a kid when I did that . Besides , it was an accident . I didn 't mean for Carrot to run away . " " If your egg hatches , " his mother said , " you would have to keep it . And you would have to take care of it . " She smiled down at her blue - eyed son . " Now put the egg away and set the table for dinner , " she told him . " It might not ever hatch , Honey , " she told him . " It 's been an egg a long , long time . It might not be able to do anything else . " " I 'll be careful , " Ray replied . He ran to the bathroom to get the biggest , softest towel he could find . He took the towel to his room . And he put the towel inside his backpack to cushion the egg for its trip to school . " No , " he yelled . He ran back into the kitchen and grabbed his lunch sack off the counter . He took his bag back into his room and put it into his backpack on top of the dinosaur egg . That morning , during show and tell , Ray could hardly wait for Monica Harvester to finish showing her parakeet . Monica kept talking and talking . Parakeets eat seeds . Parakeets can sing . Some parakeets can talk . But they were still stupid parakeets , Ray thought . When it was Ray 's turn to go to the front of the room , he stood slowly . He waited until everyone was looking at him . Then , he picked his backpack off the floor and set in on his desk . He was very slow and deliberate as he opened his backpack . He could hear Billy Cummins ask , " What 's he got in there ? " But he didn 't hurry . He did not want to damage the egg . Ray brought the egg , still wrapped in the soft towel , to the front of the room . He set the towel down in the middle of the Mrs . Barkley 's desk . Then , he unwrapped the egg , lifting one corner of the towel off the heavy object at a time . Almost everyone said ooh or ah when Ray lifted the egg up and held it out in front of him . " This is a real , genuine dinosaur egg , " Ray told them . " My uncle sent it to me all the way from South Dakota . " Several students looked at the big map of the United States on the wall . There was a big , red pushpin on the map showing everyone where they were . They were in Dallas . Ray was disappointed . He wanted to show people where South Dakota was . But he waited while Monica went to the map to show everyone how far away it was . " Oh , that would be so cool , " Billy agreed . And soon everyone was talking about what it would be like to have a real , live dinosaur to look at and play with . " It would just go nuts like in Jurassic Park , " Monica warned . " It would not , " Ray said . " That was just a movie . " Half the class agreed with Ray . A real dinosaur would not be the same as the ones that were in the movie . The other half agreed with Monica . " Unless the egg hatches , " Mrs . Barkley said , " we will never know how the dinosaur might act . " Mrs . Barkley asked Ray to leave the egg on her desk . He set it down on the soft towel . Then Mrs . Barkley allowed each of the students to walk by the egg and look at it . " Don 't pick it up , " Ray told them . " Can we touch it ? " Billy asked . " Yes , " Ray said . " But don 't push it around . " After everyone had a chance to look at the egg , Ray wrapped it back up in the towel . Then he carried the heavy egg back to his desk . And he put it back into his pack . That night , Ray slept with his dinosaur egg again . Soon after going to bed , Ray felt the egg rock under his hand . He sat us and stared at the egg . He heard a tap - tapping sound coming from within the shell . Tap . Tap . Tap . Ray 's heart began to pound . Thump . Thump . Thump . Ray placed one hand on his chest and the other on the egg . Both continued to pulse . Tap . Tap . Tap . Thump . Thump . Thump . And then the egg began to crack . First , just a tiny crack . Ray could only see it when he squinted in the dim light of the bedroom . But with each tap , the crack grew bigger . And other cracks began to form . Ray 's heart continued to pound . Thump . Thump . Thump . Then , a small triangle of shell fell away from the egg . Ray saw the claw of the baby dinosaur just inside the tiny hole . Tap . Tap . Tap , the tiny leg worked at kicking against the shell . A bigger piece of shell punched out . And the baby dinosaur 's claw was outside the egg . Ray wanted to reach down and pick away at the shell . But he could not move . When the baby dinosaur 's tiny claw pushed through the shell a second time , the whole top of the egg collapsed . The tiny Tyrannosaurus Rex shook its head back and forth , scattering bits of shell all over Ray 's bed . The tiny creature looked up at Ray . It blinked once . Twice . Then it chirped . Ray started to laugh . When the baby T . Rex chirped again , Ray laughed harder . " I 'll take care of it , " Ray said . " Mom already said I could keep it . But I would have to take care of it . " " Oh , I don 't know about that - - " Dad started to reply . But Ray 's mother pulled him away . " We 'll talk about it in the morning , " she told Ray 's Dad . " Ray , " she said , standing in the doorway . I 'm going to close the door . I want you to try and get some sleep . " " Mom said we need to get some sleep , baby - - " Ray stopped in mid - sentence . " What am I going to call you ? " The young boy crossed his arms and sighed . He looked down at the tiny creature . He thought about calling him Chirp . He tried it out by saying the name . The baby dinosaur looked up at him and blinked . Ray sighed again . He pulled his arms tighter across his chest and frowned . But Ray couldn 't think of a name to fit this tiny creature . He couldn 't use any of the names his friends had given to their pets . Besides , this pet wasn 't ordinary , like a cat or a dog or a bird or a snake . Nothing seemed right . Ray 's frown grew deeper . The baby dinosaur got on its two hind legs . It swayed a bit when it stood up . Then it took an unsteady hop toward Ray . Chirp , it said , looking up at the small boy . Chirp . Another quick hop brought the dinosaur to Ray 's knee . The tiny creature rubbed its nose along the side of the boy 's leg . It tried to hop up on his leg . But it couldn 't . Ray reached down and picked up the small creature . " You 're warm , " Ray said , bringing the dinosaur up so he could look it in the eye . Ray stroked the dinosaur 's head . It twittered . " You like that , don 't you , Boy . " The dinosaur 's skin was rough and bumpy to the touch . When Ray ran his finger down the animal 's chest and tummy , its little forearms shook up and down . Ray ran his finger down to the creature 's tummy a second time . It twittered and almost fell out of Ray 's hand . " You better sit down here , " Ray told it , placing it in his lap . " I don 't want you to get hurt . " Ray didn 't remember falling back asleep . But when he awoke , the tiny dinosaur was no where in sight . Bits and pieces of eggshell were everywhere on the bed , but there was no baby T . Rex hiding in the covers . Ray looked under the bed . In the closet . He even opened up the dresser drawers . Where could he be ? the boy wondered . He sat down to think and kicked one of his tennis shoes further under the desk . Ray looked under the desk . The baby dinosaur was sitting in Ray 's other tennis shoe , chewing on the laces . " What are you doing in there ? " Ray asked , pulling the sneaker out from under the desk . The dinosaur had chewed through the laces in several places . " I 'll bet you 're hungry , " Ray said . He picked up the sneaker with the T . Rex inside . He carried the dinosaur in the shoe down the hall and into the kitchen . " Do we have some kind of meat or something I can give him . I think he 's hungry . He 's been chewing up my shoe lace . " Ray set the shoe on the counter near the refrigerator and took out the plate of left over meat loaf . He put some in a small dish and started to mash it up . " Do you think I 'll have to feed him ? " he asked . " I don 't know , " his mother told him . " Why don 't you just put him near the food and see what he does . Maybe he already knows how to eat . " Ray took the baby dinosaur out of his tennis shoe and set him next to the plate of mashed up meat load . The baby dinosaur hopped over to the edge of the plate and sniffed . It hopped onto the plate and sniffed again . It tilted its head first one way then the next looking at the meat loaf and sniffing . Chirp . " Okay , " Ray said . The boy watched as the dinosaur took another bite of the meat loaf . " I think he likes it , " Ray told his mother . " Okay , " Ray said , leaving Sneaker by the plate of meat loaf . But as soon as he turned and went through the kitchen door , the tiny dinosaur jumped down from the counter and chased after the young boy . " What are you doing ? Are you following me ? " Ray asked , as the small creature nipped at his heel . Ray continued across the living room , half - hopping , half - skipping to keep the dinosaur from getting him . After the little creature scurried into the bedroom , Ray closed the door . The baby T . Rex investigated the room , sniffing Ray 's ball cap and glove , his backpack , and even his dirty socks . It jumped into the open bottom drawer of Ray 's dresser to sniff some of the clean clothes . Ray pulled on a sweater and a pair of pants , found some clean socks in another drawer to put on . Then he slipped into his shoes , grabbed his backpack with one hand and the baby dinosaur in the other and returned to the kitchen . " I don 't know . I don 't want him running through the house . And he 's probably too little just to be left in your room . Do you think he 'll be all right in your turtle aquarium ? You could line it with paper and give him the shoelace from your sneaker . We could put some meat loaf in one of the food trays and water in the other . We could put the aquarium in the laundry room . " " Okay , " Ray said . His mother went out to the garage and got the aquarium . When she returned with the glass - sided box , Ray and his mother tore up newspapers to line in the bottom of the aquarium . While Ray 's mother fixed the food and water dishes , Ray pulled what was left of the shoelace out of his sneaker and put it down with the shredded newspaper . Sneaker went in next . Ray ran back to his room and picked up a few toys for Sneaker to play with : a green , rubber brachysaur ; a ball ; and a small stuffed bear . After Ray put the toys in the aquarium , his mother set the food and water inside . Then she set the lid on the top of the cage . " Looks like we finished just in time for you to catch the bus , " his mother said , looking at the clock . " Don 't forget your lunch , Honey . I love you , " she said . Ray ran through the kitchen picking up his backpack and his lunch as he headed for the bus . " You be good , " she told the dinosaur before she started cleaning up the kitchen . " I have to be at work in twenty - five minutes , so I don 't have time to play with you . " When Ray got home from school , he ran straight to the aquarium to check on the dinosaur . The tiny dinosaur was curled up in the corner of the aquarium . The small creature was covered in shredded newspaper . Ray tiptoed away . By the end of the next week , Sneaker was too big for the aquarium . Ray discovered his pet biting the stuffing out of one of the pillows in the living room when he came home from school that Friday . " How did you get out ? " Ray asked . " Mom 's gonna kill you , " he said , reaching down to take the pillow away from the dinosaur . Sneaker chirped . The harsh sound startled Ray . Then the dinosaur jumped up and bit down on the pillow . The boy 's surprise and the added weight nearly pulled the pillow out of his hand . Ray carried the pillow that Sneaker still had his teeth in down the hall and into his bedroom . " Stay here , " Ray told his pet . " I have to pick up all the pillow stuffing you scattered all over the living room . " The young boy closed his bedroom door before going back to clean up Sneak 's mess . After he picked up the stuffing , Ray went to the laundry room . The small bear 's stuffing lay piled in the corner of the aquarium . The screen on the lid was torn in half . " What 's Mom going to do about this ? " Ray asked , picking up the lid . He stared at it a moment longer before setting it back down . He made a quick trip through the house looking for signs of his dinosaur 's mischief . " I don 't know , " his mother said . " I guess we 'll have to find him a bigger bed . Maybe we could get something at the pet store . I bet we could get something like your Aunt Jeannie has for her dog . " For the first few days of the next week , Sneaker was content to be left in the laundry room with the door closed . The dinosaur seemed to like his new bed , a large wicker basket with a thick foam pad . Sneaker kept what was left of the pillow he ruined in his basket , too . But that Thursday afternoon , Ray came home and found Sneaker in the living room again . The animal was chewing on a leg to the coffee table . A lamp lay on the floor in a broken heap . But the rest of the room looked okay . After putting his pet in his bedroom , Ray went to the kitchen to get a wastebasket for the broken pieces of the lamp . The young boy couldn 't believe his eyes . The kitchen was a mess . The breadbox was on the floor , dented from falling off the counter . And the two loaves of bread , or parts of them , lay half - chewed across the floor . Two of the chairs were on their sides . And the vase of silk flowers Grandma gave Mom lay shattered against the wall . But the worst part of the mess was the door to the laundry room . The bottom of the door had been torn apart . Splinters of wood were everywhere . " Mom 's not going to like this , " Ray said . " But he 's just a baby dinosaur , " the youngster said to himself as he tried to think about what to tell his mother . By the time he had cleaned everything up , the kitchen wastebasket was full of ruined things . The lamp from the living room was in the bottom of the basket . The bread and the vase of silk flowers were next . And then the many small pieces of wood from the splintered laundry room door topped the pile . " Mom , " Ray said before his mother could even get in the door that night . " I 've cleaned everything up . And , remember , he 's just a baby . He doesn 't know any better . " Ray followed his mother as she checked the laundry room and the kitchen . " My . My . My , " he kept hearing her say . He was afraid to say anything himself . And he tried not to stare at the coffee table leg as his mother made her way through the living room . She ended up at Ray 's door . She hesitated for a moment before turning the knob and opening the door . When his mother stepped into the room , Ray heard Sneaker . Chirp . Chirp . The boy could hear the dinosaur 's feet as it scurried across the room . And then everything was quiet . Finally , his mother started speaking . " You can hide under the bed if you want to . But I know where you are . And I 'm still bigger than you are . " His mother didn 't reply for a long moment . " I know , Honey . I know . But what are we going to do with him . He 's almost too big for the house already . " That night , Ray and his parents sat down to have a talk about Sneaker . " He 's just a baby , " Ray kept saying . " We know , " his parents replied . " But he 's too big to be in the house . " " I think I know what to do , " Ray 's dad said . " And you can help me . " I 'll pick you up after school tomorrow , and we 'll go to the hardware store and by some fencing and make Sneaker a place to play in the back yard . " By the time Sneaker was as tall as Ray , the pen for the dinosaur had been enlarged twice . His dad said he wasn 't going to make the pen bigger every two weeks . Ray didn 't think it was all that big . It only took up the corner of the back yard . Mom still had her rose bushes , her flower garden and vegetable patch . There was still a lot of room to play catch and tag . Ray 's dad also said the " beast " would soon be eating them out of house and home . Ray wasn 't sure about that . But he knew Sneaker pooped a lot . And , since it was Ray 's job to clean up the poop , He wondered what would happen if Sneaker kept growing . " Don 't get so excited , " Ray told the dinosaur . Sneaker twittered and hopped anxiously by the gate until Ray could undo the lock . Then it bounded out of its pen and circled the yard three times before coming to a halt behind Ray who hadn 't moved from the gate . Ray reached up and patted the leathery , light brown and green hide of his pet . Ray eyed the pile of poop in the corner and sighed . " I 'll get that later , " he told himself . " Let 's play soccer , " he told Sneaker . The soccer ball was under the biggest of his mother 's rose bushes . As Ray started over for the ball , Sneaker took off , too . The dinosaur was faster than Ray was . It got to the ball first , and nuzzled it out from under the bush . When it swung around to chase after the ball , its heavy tail brushed Ray into one of the smaller rose bushes . " Watch what you 're doin ' ! " Ray yelled . But the eight - year - old was unhurt . He chased after the ball , which rolled toward the fence of the dinosaur 's pen . He got there just in time to kick the ball around the T . Rex 's large head . Sneaker bellowed as it swung around to chase after the ball . The animal 's head was down , and tilted slightly to one side as it pounded across the yard after the soccer ball . " No . No . No , " Ray screamed . But it was too late . The ball rolled between the largest rose bush and a newer bush planted just last fall . Sneaker crushed through the space between the two shrubs , uprooting the smaller plant . " Look what you did , " Ray said , coming over to the small rose bush . The T . Rex came over , too . It pushed the bush with its large head and snorted . Then it turned around and pooped on the bush . Ray didn 't know whether to laugh or cry . He knew his mom wouldn 't think it was funny . And , when he thought about it , Ray didn 't think it was too funny either . Now he had more poop to clean up . " What are we going to do about that thing , " Ray 's dad asked his mother one night while the two sat in the kitchen drinking coffee . Ray was in the living room watching a special on dinosaurs . The youngster could hear his parents over the narrator 's voice on the television program . " If it was just that , " his dad said , " I wouldn 't worry . But look at what 's happened to the back yard . It 's a wreck . There 's no grass in Sneaker 's pen . All except the three biggest rose bushes have been torn up . You won 't be able to have any other flowers back there . Or a vegetable garden … . " His father 's voice trailed off . A police officer approached them shortly after they stepped outside . " Please , stay inside . " The female officer told them . " There 's some sort of wild animal out here . " Ray didn 't wait to hear the answer . He ran back into the house , through the living room and kitchen to check on Sneaker . But the youngster knew Sneaker wasn 't in the pen as soon as he stepped into the back yard . The post that started to tilt when Sneaker jumped against the fence was now flattened to the ground . And the wooden gate that led out into the alley was smashed , pieces scattered across the ruts in the unpaved road . The eight - year - old made his way back to the porch where his parents were still talking with the police officer . He stood just inside the door . He stared at them . " Oh , no , " she said . She eased back into the house and led Ray into the kitchen before she said another word . " It 's Sneaker , isn 't it , " she said after closing the door into the kitchen . " The fence to the pen is down . The gate 's broken , " Ray said . His chest heaved . He was trying not to cry . " What are we going to do . " " I tried calling to Sneaker . But I didn 't hear a chirp . I couldn 't hear anything , " Ray said . " " I don 't know where Sneaker is . " " We 've got to find Sneaker , " the eight - year - old said . " Or somebody might shoot him . " The youngster pulled away from his mother and ran out the back door , calling , " Sneaker . Sneaker . Where are you ? " His mother followed after him . In the alley , the boy turned to the left and ran , stumbling over the rutted tracks . " Sneaker . Where are you ? " His pet twittered as it pushed against the fence . Even in the dim light of the alley , Ray could see the fence bowing in response to Sneaker 's weight . The boy took a step back just as nails squeaked out of a post holding up the fence . A four - foot panel crashed into the alley , and the dinosaur tramped across it toward the young boy . It lowered its large head , nuzzling the boy 's chest , nearly knocking him over . " Not so fast , Son , " came a voice from somewhere on the other side of the fence . Ray stepped away from Sneaker to see around the large animal . A police officer , gun drawn , peered around the post that had held the fallen panel in place . A few moments later , a man with a strange - looking gun told Ray and his mother that he was going to anesthetize the dinosaur so it could be taken to the zoo . The man told Ray to step back from the animal . His mother retreated to the end of the alley . But Ray didn 't move . " I don 't know what the animal will do when it gets hit with this tranquilizer , " the man told him . He might lash out , and you might get hurt . " Ray had just gotten to the end of the alley when the shot was fired . He turned to see his pet turn and bellow a bellow he had never heard before . Its tiny hand scratched uselessly toward its neck where a large dart dangled . The animal shook its mighty head and took a step forward . It started to take another step . But when it set the foot back down on the ground , the mighty limb seemed to fold under the animal . The whole body lurched forward and crashed with a thud . " I 'll explain later , " his mother turned and told his father . Then she looked her son in the eye for a moment before continuing . " Ray , " she said . " I want you to turn around and reach under your pillow . " " I know you wanted it to , " his mother told him . " And you wanted it so much that you dreamed it did . But there it is . Just like it was before . And it probably won 't ever hatch . " " But I saw it hatch . I played with Sneaker . The police came … " the boy 's voice trailed off . " That man shot it with a tranquilizer . " Ray looked down at the rough - shelled egg . He shook his head slowly . " But … " he started to say . Then he pursed his lips and was quiet . Ray put the egg back under his pillow . The youngster shook his head once more then put his head down and closed his eyes . His parents wished him a good night , and his mother kissed him before she left the room . The last thing he remembered was the sounds of their whispers as they headed back down the hallway . |
Introduction : ( C ) 2008 Chagrin Riddle William Sisterson wasn 't just your average hardworking inbred boy from rural Southern United States , no sir . His father had named him William , who was educated enough to know that William was the proper form of Bill , and Bill was a good , strong name , a respectable name . It was a name that would carry some weight in the world , and when you said a name like Bill Sisterson , people would know the name off the bat . Bill 's father expected Bill to be famous someday , but he didn 't know just how famous or why . Bill 's mother liked to call him Little Willy when he was young , and would often tease him about his abnormally small pecker . Bill 's sisters would do the same , teasing him and sometimes pulling it hard , trying to stretch it out for him . Bill 's mother said that he wasn 't to blame , though - he took after his father . In all the times Bill 's parents had fucked , his mother had never been pleasured by his father . Bill 's father would fuck her every night after he got home , and not once was he the cause of an orgasm . But for Bill 's father 's size problems , he had an enviable libido to compensate , and liked to spend his load at least six times a day . Now Bill 's father believed that only a woman 's husband could deflower her on her wedding day , so he left his daughters ' perfect little pussies alone , no matter how much he wanted them . At the earliest age , however , he taught each one of his daughters how to suck a dick the right way . He was proud of his daughters , and of what great cocksuckers they turned out to be . In the field of sex , however , Bill 's father was less than proud of his son . He hadn 't wanted to pass his penile genes on , but it seemed , for the first fifteen years of Bill 's life , that he would be forever known as Little Willy . Bill 's father had asked all of Bill 's sisters to help Bill out , to make his penis bigger , but the stretchings were painful . When Bill 's father found out what they were doing to poor Bill 's member , he gave them all the biggest spankings of their lives , and told them that what he had wanted them to do was suck Bill 's dick to make it grow , not pull it . So from the age of eight to fifteen , Bill got head from his sisters everyday , in hopes that his penis would get bigger . His erections were tiny , no bigger than an inch , and having not entered puberty , he never got off to his sisters ' attempts to pleasure him , although he enjoyed the warm , moist feeling of his dick in their mouths , the tongues of his sisters rolling over his cock , the very look of it , the smell of it , the way they put all their efforts into pleasuring him instead of torturing him . He loved it , but he could not spew the cum he had seen his father unload . Bill was a late bloomer , and did not hit puberty until he was fifteen . He worried that his dick would be small forever , and his body was also not fit at the time for farm work , like the other boys were . The other boys teased him because he was so small , and when a couple of his sisters let it slip that his dick was small , the other boys teased him for that , too . But when he did finally hit puberty , people had to watch out . Between his fifteenth and sixteenth birthday , it all came at once . Bill grew to a stunning seven feet even , with a size 25 1 / 2 shoe . His dick became his shoe size in inches when it was solid , over 6 inches thick , and he had immense testes to keep the proportions looking natural . His sex drive succeeded his old man by eight times , so he needed to shoot a shot glass ' worth of semen every half hour , and had over 15 wet dreams a night . If he wasn 't feeding his sisters or his mother with his man - juice , he was pouring it into a bucket . If he didn 't get it out , his testes would become quite painful , as if someone had kicked him , and so he was always masturbating . Now , the last funny thing about Bill 's penis , that the whole town thought was spectacular , was that Bill couldn 't lose his erection . Bill knew it was a curse , not a blessing like all of the other menfolk thought . He got in trouble when he exposed himself in public , and he exposed himself so he wouldn 't cream in his pants , so it wasn 't really his fault . Girls would help him out when they could , supplying their hands to give his a rest . They couldn 't fit his monstrous cock in their mouths , and just about all of the girls were afraid to try to put it anywhere else . It was all just the same for Bill , because he was raised not to stick it in a Homegrown Southern Comfort Cunt unless it was his wedding night , and only queers fucked assholes . His courtships never lasted because his girlfriends were just too intimidated . They got too tired out from keeping the stream flowing for him , and they couldn 't get anything in return . And although his girlfriends never lasted more than a fortnight , he had a great many of them , each hoping to tame Big Willy 's Big Willy . When Bill had hit his growth spurt , he had twenty - nine sisters , and his mother was pregnant with number thirty . Bill 's father never had another boy , and when Bill finally hit that confusing fact of life called puberty , Bill 's father couldn 't have been happier with any other son . Bill 's mother continued to have girls every year of her life until cervical cancer stopped her at the age of 63 , 30 years after Bill 's miraculous boost . But Bill 's father did notice the curse his son had , and how he couldn 't even get a blowjob from his sisters because of the immensity of his cock . His sisters would try , too : they would lick his shaft from end to end , but they couldn 't fit even so much as his head in their mouths , and he often wished he could be young again to feel that damp environment engulfing his dick , and he knew that he could never feel that again . Bill 's father had sympathy for him , and so taught him how to fuck a pig if he ever wanted something else that a thousand girls just couldn 't give him . Bill enjoyed it for a time , but soon found it to be a very shameful act , and only did it when he felt his worst depression . Once in a blue moon he would just spend the night in the barn , pleasuring pig after pig , feeling so sorry for himself . Bill was working the register as usual that day . It was a Wednesday . Bill looked forward to Wednesdays , because it was payday , and he could take his paycheck and go to the city with his father , where they would go to the bank just before it closed ( Bill would stay in the car ) , and Bill 's father would turn the check into cash . Bill 's father would take a bit of it to go towards the homestead , and the rest went into the bank . Bill wanted to save up as much money as he could from working at the General Store so that one day he could have a doctor make his privates smaller . He had read in the porno mags that Neil let him have that some people thought their privates were too small , and doctors could make them bigger . Bill thought that if doctors could make them bigger , why not smaller , too ? He never told his father why he was saving up his money , because he knew his parents would disapprove . When Bill asked his parents about his package , they would say that God had a plan , and that he must always count his blessings . Yet every penny Bill put in that bank was one penny closer to being normal . Pennies were blessings to Bill . Bill worked very hard . He was always helping out customers , telling them where certain items were in the store , always measuring out the deli meats and cheeses with precision , and always had a smile on his face , because he always felt like smiling when he was working . Every moment he worked was also another moment closer to being normal . Mary Anne Margaret , Bill 's twenty - third sister from the top , was helping him today . She sat on his penis like a hobby - horse , her legs dangling over either side of it . She sat at the base , and stroked the top when her arms weren 't too tired . She didn 't wear panties under her dress because Bill said they made his dick itch , but Mary Anne Margaret liked it better that way anyway ; if her vagina itched or her bum itched , she could wiggle around on Big Willy 's dick and scratch the itch that way . It was funny to Mary Anne Margaret that almost everytime she moved around to itch herself , her brother squirted his juice out . She could feel his juice as it traveled through his penis , both with her hands and with her thighs . And , when he squirted , his penis shook a bit , so it was like a ride to her . Mary Anne Margaret was seven years old , and of course she insisted that she was seven and a half and closer to eight . To Bill , this meant that she was getting bigger , and soon Mary Anne Margaret would be too big to ride on his dick comfortably . His penis was strong , but not so strong that he could lift an eight - year - old girl for a long time without wincing . Soon she would have to be replaced by Bill 's twenty - fourth sister , Mary Anne Louise . But for now , Bill enjoyed spending his time with Mary Anne Margaret , because she was nice and sweet and very , very cute . He really enjoyed her softness , and the way she stroked his dick , and she was always happy to do what he asked . If he wanted her to lick it , she would ask how he would like to be licked . But for the moment , Bill was happy to let Mary Anne Margaret ride his dick like a horsie . When she was on Bill 's cock , she was tall enough to greet the customers over the counter and help Bill count change . It was important that Mary Anne Margaret learn math , because she didn 't know what she wanted to do for work yet . Maybe she would work a register , too . She liked to do it , and count out change , and sometimes would do the entire transaction herself , even if it was a little slower than Bill could do . She was very handy , and Bill and Mary Anne Margaret liked each other a lot . But what Bill liked the most about Mary Anne Margaret was the feeling of her legs wrapped around his dick , her cute little pussy sliding over it , and sometimes when Bill thought about it , he didn 't even need to touch his dick and he would cum . Bill came a lot more often now that Mary Anne Margaret was with him . He thought he liked her more than any of his other sisters so far , and if he decided to marry one of his sisters instead of a cousin , he might just marry Mary Anne Margaret . Bill felt her small , smooth hands stroking his dick , and it didn 't take much for Bill to cum . Bill 's dick shot out a cannon blast , and another , and another , twenty or so huge shots of semen in all , which all went straight into a bucket under the counter for Bill to bring home after work and feed his sisters with . Mary Anne Margaret really liked the throbbing in Bill 's cock , so she kept trying to masturbate his huge dick with her tiny hands , getting his dick to jerk around at the end of it all by touching the big purple part at the top . She kind of bounced around , and the little jostles and jolts felt really funny on her pussy . " Afternoon , young missy , " Missus Lee said quickly in return , and went about her business in the store . Missus Lee was married to Mr . Lee , who was a descendant of General Lee , one of the best men who ever lived , and because of that , she was an awful snob . Most of Bill 's sisters hated her , but Mary Anne Margaret couldn 't hate anyone . That was another reason Bill like her so much . " Don 't you ' Ma ' am ' me . That 's not what I heard , young man . I just think about how painful it is on them . Don 't you see how painful it is ? I 'll bet you like that , though . " " Nothing , " Bill said , " nothing is awful for you . " He kissed the top of her head , and ignored the fleeting thought of hurting his sister with his cock . " Okay , sport , " he said , " time to get down . " " O - kay ! " she said , nearly at eye level with Bill 's cock , and wrapped her hands around it again . She stuck her tongue out and licked his head , just the way he always liked . She licked the bottom of it first , right where the purple turned into skin , then quickly moved her tongue to the side and up over to the top of it . Next she put her lips to it , and sucked on the top of it like when she sucked soup from her bowl , making slurping sounds . She then licked the side of it like she was going to roll a cigarette , passing her tongue over the same area a bunch of times , then did the same for the other side . " Okay . . . " Bill said , ready to cum . Mary Anne Margaret licked his pee - hole and then sucked at that like soup . Bill 's huge testes lifted , and his penis unloaded into his sister 's mouth . The cum flew to the back of her throat , then he shot out another load and her mouth got full . Mary Anne Margaret moved her mouth away , and he dumped the rest of his load in the bucket . Mary Anne Margaret swallowed what was in her mouth in three big gulps and one small one , then giggled . She liked to drink Bill 's cum . It wasn 't as salty as her daddy 's . It was actually very sweet , like some kind of candy . All of Bill 's sisters thought Bill 's juice tasted great , so it was really a treat for them when they got to drink it . Most of what was in the bucket would be given to the four babies to drink , because Bill 's daddy said it helped the babies grow . He also said cum should be added to the food pyramid , since it was so healthy for growing girls . Bill petted his sister 's hair , and she hugged him and giggled . Bill then buttoned on the detachable section of his overalls . It was an extra large square of cloth that his seventh sister Bethany had sewn when he had finished his growth spurt . The square was denim on the outside and cotton inside , so Bill could walk around outdoors without any discomfort , only a huge bulge in his pants . The cloth covered up the hole in his overalls that exposed his penis and balls , which had needed to be cutout so he could fit into them . What Bill and Mary Anne Margaret saw instead shocked them both . Bob was on his knees , sucking Neil 's cock like girls are supposed to do . Neither of them noticed Bill or his sister , so Bill just slammed the door to the back room and pulled Mary Anne Margaret along with him . He grabbed his bucket from behind the counter and left the store with Mary Anne Margaret in tow . Bill was confused and couldn 't think . He didn 't know what he had just seen . Had he just discovered that Neil and Bob were queers ? No , he must have seen something else . Neil and Bob couldn 't be queers . They owned a respectable general store that Bill worked at . Neil and Bob both ran out of the store like bullets and shouted at Bill to stop . Bill stopped in his tracks and turned around , not sure what he was going to see . The image of Neil 's cock in Bob 's mouth was burned into his brain . " Don 't you say that ! " Neil shouted . " You don 't say anything if you want to keep your job . If the town council knew we 'd be lynched like a couple of niggers . Now I want you to forget about what you saw . It never happened . " The five girls Bill 's mom had named rushed over to Bill immediately , pulled him to his favorite chair , unbuttoned the cloth covering , and all went straight work sucking his dick . The nine - going - on - ten triplets went for his penis , with Mary Jane and Mary Beth each licking his shaft , and Mary Margaret licking his head ; while the twelve - year - old twins Jennie Anne and Jane Anne licked his balls . All five tongues on his privates did a number on him , even though he wasn 't horny , and he soon jizzed all over Mary Margaret 's face , until she was pushed out of the way by Mary Jane , who got a shot on her face , too . By the time they were done , all five girls had their faces covered in cum . " Not at all ? " Bill 's mom asked . " My goodness . Well , you must be hurting a lot , then , poor dear . Mary Anne Beth , Mary Beth Anne , Anne Grace , Annie Grace , and Mary Anne , I want you to help him out next . " The next five girls made their way to Bill and started licking him like crazy . Bill shot off another load pretty quickly , but he still was very distracted . He just couldn 't think anymore . When Bill 's father got home a couple hours later , the excitement of Bill 's return had died down , and the household was calm again . Bill 's other twin sisters , Jennie and Jane , twelve - going - on - thirteen , were playing with Bill 's dick , spitting on it and stroking it , while Bill just relaxed in his chair , trying to get into it . His mind was gradually coming off the image of sin . Bill 's father sighed , and sat down in his favorite chair , right next to Bill . He unstrapped his overalls and pulled them down , exposing his tiny erection . Bill 's father 's penis wasn 't more than three inches when erect , if that . Annie Grace and Mary Anne Margaret came over to their father . Annie Grace , age eleven , got to her knees , and put her father 's dick in her mouth . She sucked it the way he liked , bobbing back and forth , keeping her tongue out to touch his balls . Bill 's father loved Annie Grace 's blowjobs . Out of all the children , she knew how to pleasure her father the best . Bill 's father loved to watch Mary Anne Margaret dance . She wasn 't the most coordinated , and didn 't have everything perfect the way her father wanted , but she certainly had the prettiest body , and if Bill 's father were any other man , he would have already broken her cherry . But Bill 's father was a good upstanding Christian , so Bill 's father only dreamed of fucking his daughters , but did nothing about it . Mary Anne Margaret swung around the pole , then put her back against it and bent her knees , sliding her ass down it . She took off her panties next , which she had since put on after getting home . Nobody but Bill knew she didn 't like to wear panties . Bill 's father creamed in Annie Grace 's mouth , and Annie Grace swallowed fast . She didn 't like her father 's cum at all . Her father 's cum was much too bitter . As soon as she could , she stopped sucking her father 's cock . She didn 't think it was fair that her father asked her to suck his dick more than any of the other girls . He only ever made his other daughters suck his dick if he was teaching them how . " Bill forgot his check today , daddy , " Mary Anne Margaret said , still dancing at the pole . Mary Anne Margaret liked to dance at the pole , so she didn 't mind when her father told her to . Sometimes , when she didn 't have chores to do , she liked to practice at the pole , and her sisters would help her out and try to teach her . Bill wasn 't nearly as calm as Mary Anne Margaret was . When Mary Anne Margaret said he had forgotten his check , the color faded in his cheeks , and he expected to be beaten by his father . The funny thing was , Bill 's father hadn 't beaten him or even yelled at him since he grew taller than his father . But Bill always expected it . Annie Grace got on her knees in front of Bill 's dick and whispered to Jennie and Jane , who had gotten most of the jizz off themselves and into their bellies . The twins nodded in unison , and got up and left , leaving Annie Grace with Big Willy 's dick by herself . She wanted to drink some of Bill 's cum to get the taste of her father 's cum out of her mouth . She wasn 't the best as pleasuring Big Willy , but she still tried her best . She stroked Bill 's shaft and licked his head , poking her tongue in his pee - hole , trying to get any remnants of jizz there might be just inside . " Well , that 's acceptable , " Bill 's father said . Annie Beth and Beth Anne were both fourteen , and the oldest of Bill 's sisters still living at home . There had been many men calling them , and Bill 's father asked them all some basic questions and approved every one . Beth Anne , however , disapproved every one of them , and she spent most of her nights at home . Bill 's father couldn 't understand it . Why would Beth Anne stay in when her twin sister Annie Beth went out all the time ? " Mary Anne ! " Bill 's father shouted , and Mary Anne came in the room a moment later . Mary Anne was thirteen and a half , the next oldest girl after Annie Beth and Beth Anne . " Yes , paw ? " Mary Anne said , hoping she wouldn 't have to suck her father 's dick again . She knew that the trick to not being asked to suck her father 's dick was to pretend to be bad at it , and never do it the way he wanted . She 'd sucked lots of dicks , and she knew that every guy liked it a different way . Lots of men loved her mouth , but she made sure her father wasn 't one of those men . Mary Anne crossed the room to where he father was seated and got on her knees . She opened her mouth wide and fit both of her father 's balls in her mouth . She played with them inside her mouth with her tongue . She didn 't mind sucking his balls too much , even though they smelled after he got home . She just didn 't like his semen the most . Like the rest of his sisters thought , it tasted really bad . She loved to suck other dicks , and even enjoyed the taste of cum , but there was just something wrong with her father 's . " So why did Bill forget his check ? " Bill 's father asked , to no one in particular . Bill 's face drained again , just after it began getting its color back because he figured his father forgot about it . " Oh , that old hag came in the store today ? " Bill 's father said , " I 'm sorry , son . I can see why you 'd want to get away from that old bitch as fast as possible . " Bill relaxed , glad that his father wasn 't angry with him . Annie Grace continued her attempt at shoving her entire tongue in her brother 's dick hole , stroking his shaft with both hands . Bill didn 't pay attention to Annie Grace , but Mary Anne Margaret 's dance made him spew another round , most of it into Annie Grace 's mouth . Annie Grace swooshed his cum around in her mouth before she swallowed , appreciating the nice , sweet taste . One splash hit her cheek , so she pushed it into her mouth with her finger and sucked her finger . There was a knock at the door , and Annie Grace got up to answer it , keeping her finger in her mouth , savoring everything on it . She opened the door and a voice said " Evening , little missy . And which of the Sisterson children might you be ? " Bill recognized the voice immediately as Bob , and he felt the impulse to cover up his cock . He suddenly didn 't want anyone to see it , especially not Bob . Bob sucked dicks , and he didn 't want Bob getting any ideas about Bill 's dick . Bill momentarily shifted , but his impulse left him before he covered up . Bill 's father had always told him that you can do what you want in your own home , and what rules there are outside don 't matter in the Sisterson household . In the Sisterson household , it didn 't matter who was over , whether it be a suitor for the children , a nun , or the President ; the Sisterson family had the right to do as they pleased in their own home , including being naked in front of guests . " Damned if that ain 't so , " Neil said , grinning . " Anyway , just came by to drop off the check . Give this to Bill , will you dear ? " Neil asked Annie Grace , who had put her finger back in her mouth . " Sure you don 't want to stay for dinner ? " Bill 's father asked . " I 'm sure my wife 's got enough food for two more . " " Oh , I know , " Neil said . In reality , he didn 't know for sure . He had rejected every invitation for a sexual favor concerning Bill 's sisters , and now Bill knew why . Bob only accepted once , back when Louise wasn 't off and married , and Louise had told Bill that Bob hadn 't cum at all , even though she 'd tried her best . She spent the whole evening sucking his dick a thousand different ways , but he hardly ever glanced at her and didn 't seem to pay attention to her at all . Now Bill knew why that was the case , too . Everything made sense now . Annie Grace handed her brother the envelope , and then sat on her brother 's lap lazily , to the side of his dick , and began gently squeezing his ball sack and pulling at the skin , just playing with it . Bill put his hands around his sister , hugging her close . He didn 't want her to ever get close to Neil and Bob again . It was then that his hatred began to boil to the surface , his anger ready to pop . His face turned ugly , and he used all his will not to stand up and shout ' Faggots ! Queers ! Butt - fuckers ! ' But Bill sat still , keeping his sister on his lap , ready to squeeze her till she burst . " I know your daughters give great head , " Neil was saying , " but we just don 't have the time . If we could , we would . We 'll take a raincheck on it , though . " That night , Bill remembered all of his dreams . In every dream , his dick was a normal size , but that was the only good part . The rest frightened him terribly . He dreamed that Bob sucked him dry . He dreamed that he fucked Bob 's asshole while Neil watched , and in his dream Bill came in Bob 's ass . In another dream he sucked Neil 's cock , and drank his cum , and in another Neil fucked Bill 's ass , and Neil came inside him . In another Bob licked Bill 's asshole until he came , and in the last Neil had a dick the size of Bill 's , and he fucked Bill 's asshole wide open . In every fleeting , phantasmagoric scene , Bill got off like he 'd never gotten off before . When Bill woke up as the cock crowed , he saw that Mary Grace , his six - year - old sister who had decided to sleep with him that night , was covered in cum . She had slept on top of him , naked , with her thighs around his dick , and he had jizzed all over her back , hair , and ass . Every one of those dreams had been wet . He didn 't want to believe that . He didn 't want to think that he had enjoyed the dreams of Neil and Bob . He hated them . Bill thought - no , Bill pushed The Thought away as soon as it came to him , and tried to ignore it . He would never allow The Thought to creep into his mind . Mary Grace 's sisters had a fun time giving her a tongue bath , licking her clean and getting their cum - rush for the morning . Jennie Anne slid her tongue over Mary Grace 's vagina , just seeing what she would do , and Mary Grace kind of liked it . A couple of girls wanted fresh jizz , so they licked Bill 's dick to get him off before he went to work . Bill didn 't want to go to work . He didn 't want to see Neil and Bob ever again . But he never told his father anything . He didn 't want to tell his father that a couple of queers had been inside the Sisterson household . He thought about feigning sickness , but he knew his father could tell if Bill was faking it ; Bill had tried to fake it to stay home from school before puberty , just once , and his father had seen through him , and beat him good to learn him . Bill wasn 't sure which of his sisters he would bring with him to work , but he knew that if he didn 't bring one he 'd just about go crazy . Eventually he settled for Mary Anne Margaret , even though he wanted to expose his favorite sister to homos least of any . He brought her along anyway , because he knew that she would keep quiet if anything else happened , as she already had been keeping quiet , and there was no need to risk exposing any of his other sisters . Mary Ann Margaret walked next to Bill down the road they lived on , she holding the empty bucket and secretly going pantiless , and he wearing his usual overalls with the extra large adjustment . They passed by a number of farmhands coming into work by truck or by foot , each waving to the Sisterson siblings as they passed , all friendly enough as though their world had not yet been turned downside up . Mary Anne Margaret waved with her free hand , sometimes shouting a greeting , but Bill didn 't pay attention to the people they passed . His only thoughts were on the hell he would soon be entering , and he knew that if he were any less of a man , he would run from that place and never enter it again . But he did enter it ; he entered Neil ' n ' Bob 's General Store with his head held high . He would be brave , and he would not enter the back room all day , and he would never enter the back room again . Neil and Bob might be fags , but he knew that they would lose business if they fucked each other in public . They would probably be lynched , and the store would be burned down , and people would take pity on poor Bill for having to work with queers . But maybe not . . . maybe townsfolk would think that Bill was a queer too , and would lynch him just the same . A lot of people did not like Bill , and might see him all the worse for it . Bill uncovered his penis behind the counter , then lifted Mary Anne Margaret onto the base of it . Today , as usual , she was wearing no panties , with only her skirt covering up her own privates and very little of the giant schlong she was straddling . She enjoyed the skin rubbing against her pussy , and wondered what it would be like when she had her own husband and he could stick his penis inside her . Would it feel just as good ? Better ? Would it hurt ? Her older sisters , the ones who were married and had had sex , had told her that it was painful the first time , if not the first couple of times . If the six inch penises that her sisters ' husbands had were painful , she could only imagine what it would be like to fit Bill 's entire member inside her . His penis was larger than her mother 's newborns , and she knew from watching her sisters give birth just how much that hurt . But sliding along Bill 's penis didn 't hurt at all ; it felt really good . Certainly , sliding along a penis wasn 't what you were supposed to do , but she loved the feeling anyway . It was like sliding along a warmer version of the dancing pole , except Bill 's penis wasn 't smooth , of course , and it was thicker than the pole , but it was similar enough . Thinking of it , Mary Anne Margaret grabbed ahold of Bill 's cock in front of her , and slid her bum back and forth over a little area at the base of his dick . Her pussy lips tried to open for his dick the way they tried to open for the pole when she slid down it , but of course her pussy wouldn 't open at all . She couldn 't wait till she was bigger and her vagina would open , letting something inside . No matter how painful it might be in real life , every time she dreamed of putting Bill 's dick inside her , filling her to the rafters , it was the most wonderful dream she had . She dreamed that she was impaled by his penis , and the idea of it , of being filled so completely by her brother , made her feel warm and good inside . " Mornin ' , darlin ' , " Neil said , but didn 't take his eyes off Bill . " Glad you came in today , " Neil said to Bill . Bill still remained silent . Neil sighed , and went about his business stocking the fridge . If Bill didn 't want to talk , Neil would oblige . Neil took Bill 's silence to mean that if Bill didn 't want to talk , he sure wouldn 't say anything to anyone else . Neil knew what would happen if the townsfolk found out about him and Bob . There was no doubt in his mind that he would be murdered , and maybe beaten first . Southern hospitality is a great thing , but Neil knew it only applies to straight white people . ' No niggers and no queers ' is practically the motto of the state , as any member of the local KKK chapter will tell you , and they are legion . Neil is a member of the KKK himself , just to keep up appearances . He goes to cross burnings and the meetings , but he is mysteriously absent when the party comes around to bash a nigger 's face in . Fortunately they don 't find anything odd about that , and just tell him " You won 't believe what you missed ! " at the bar the next day . Bob , however , is a little more trouble . Neil knows that Bob is a little more on the feminine side than Neil , and Bob has to thoroughly watch his act around people . Whenever Bob acts a little limp - wristed in public , he attracts too much attention , and Neil has to vouch for Bob 's straightness , since he is business partners with Bob , after all . He 's also sex partners with Bob , but the townsfolk don 't ever need to know that . And , it seems , they won 't find out , so long as Bill and Mary Anne Margaret keep their mouths shut . Neil is fairly certain they will . " Have you ever had a fucking conversation with him , Bob ? All he talks about when he 's not around his folks is about how he hates being so different . He hates the stares he gets everywhere he goes ; he hates having a dick that never quits , and one so large as that ; he hates ignorant fucking townsfolk cursing him for being different . He thanks me just about everyday for giving him work at a job he can do when nobody else will . And the most important reason he wants to keep this job is because of the money he makes . He 's told me once before , just once , when the idea first came into his head , that someday he wants to have surgery done so he can have a smaller dick . He 's saving all the money he can from this job , and he 'll be damned if he cuts off his only supply of money . " At about noontime , Abigail Sisterson came in . Abigail was Bill 's father 's brother 's daughter - his cousin , in other words . For a brief spell , a couple years ago , Bill tried to court Abigail , but the romantic relationship lasted only two weeks before Abigail realized she could not spend her life with a man so big . She got tired of stroking him and licking him and not being able to go anywhere public like a restaurant or even the movies . She also knew he would never be able to fit inside her . She loved sex too much to give it up . Unlike Bill 's father , who discouraged sex before marriage , Abigail 's father had no problem with it . In fact , he had proudly popped every one of his daughters ' cherries . Abigail was her father 's favorite , because she was quite beautiful . Abigail was so beautiful , in fact , she had suitors by the dozen . Every boy and man in the county wanted her pussy , and she was quite happy to give it to them . But the one boy she really liked among them all was the only boy she couldn 't give it to , and that boy was Bill . " Who is this little girl ? " Abigail asked , as Mary Anne Margaret rang up the items . She was getting quite good at memorizing the prices and handling the register . " Of course he couldn 't , how silly of me , " Abigail said , then looked up at Bill . " Say , Bill , why don 't you give the kid a break ? I want to pleasure you like I used to , just for old time 's sake . " Bill glanced at Abigail 's breasts . They were much bigger now , now that she had fully grown in . When they were courting , her breasts had been a decent size , but now she had blossomed with breasts that Bill had only seen in porno mags . She was just as beautiful now as she had been before , and just at the thought of sliding his penis between her breasts made him orgasm , shooting a load into the bucket under the counter . Abigail smiled broadly , running around the counter to see Bill . They both got on the floor , and Abigail took off her dress . Just like Mary Anne Margaret , Abigail didn 't like to wear panties . Abigail helped Bill out of his clothes , and together they sat on the floor naked . Bill really hoped nobody could see over the counter , or both of them would be in trouble . With no customers around , Mary Anne Margaret watched Abigail lick Bill 's dick , trying to learn some new ways of doing it , seeing what Bill really liked . He seemed to really enjoy all of the spit that was on his dick , making it slippery and shiny . From where she stood , high up on the stool , Mary Anne Margaret hocked a well aimed loogie onto Bill 's dick . Abigail looked up at Mary Anne Margaret , who was proud of his shot , and getting ready with another one . Abigail rubbed in Mary Anne Margaret 's spit , and Mary Anne Margaret smiled . Then she spit again , hitting the head of Bill 's penis . Some of it slid down the side , and some of it went into his hole . Mary Anne Margaret found that entertaining , and from then on keep spitting , trying her best to get it in Bill 's pee - hole , as if it were a game . Bill didn 't object , and it didn 't interfere with Abigail 's plans . When Abigail thought Bill 's dick was soaked enough , she took her tongue away from her shaft and put her boobs against it . She slid her nipples over his slimy shaft at first , but then spread her tits apart and wrapped them around his dick . She slid her tits up and down his shaft , getting her cleavage wet with spit . A mix of precum and Mary Anne Margaret 's spit dribbled out of Bill 's dickhole and onto Abigail 's tits . Bill watched Abigail and Mary Anne Margaret , looking to one and then the other . He liked Abigail a lot , and he loved to watch her slide her tits over his dick , but what he really wanted was for Mary Anne Margaret to have those great tits and to be doing it herself . He tried to imagine Mary Anne Margaret 's tiny frame holding massive tits , and it seemed totally impossible . Mary Anne Margaret would have to grow up a lot more before she could grow massive breasts . But God , did he wish she weren 't up on that stool at this moment . How he wished she was licking his dickhead as Abigail stroked his shaft with her tits . . . Bill came as he thought that , shooting cum straight into the air . Mary Anne Margaret thought it was funny to see such a thing , and laughed . Abigail noticed it at once , and stopped her titjob , so she could avoid the cumshot . She didn 't want it to get in her hair , because it would be hard to get out , and it wouldn 't look good at all to walk down the street with tons of cum in her hair . But the cum did hit her as it came down , but it hit her tits , which she was okay with . Spurt after spurt flew into the air and came crashing down on her tits , until Bill 's orgasm finally subsided . As the last of Bill 's cum dribbled down his dick , Abigail licked his dick as best as she could to get it clean . When she was done , she said , " I always loved your cum , Billy . It always tasted so sweet . As sweet as you always were to me . " " Yay ! " Mary Anne Margaret said , and climbed off of the stool . She started licking the cum off of Abigail 's tits , savoring every drop . " She loves your cum as much as I do , " Abigail said as she watched . " Say , Bill , I know you were never really able to pleasure me before , but my last boyfriend showed me a few things that maybe you can do , that doesn 't involve your dick . Do you know how to pleasure a woman with your fingers or your tongue ? " " Why don 't you just . . . touch around it then ? Touch the outside ? Maybe even lick the outside , like how I lick the outside of your dick . If you don 't put anything inside me , it 's not really a sin , right ? " " I guess not , " Bill said , taking a good look at her crotch . Bill really had always wanted to repay her for the things she did to him . In fact , he had wanted to repay every girl for what they 'd done to him , but he never really thought about how to do it . His father never ate out his mother at all ; so Bill had never had any instruction on it . " Okay . . . " Mary Anne Margaret said . She had hoped she 'd be allowed to watch up close and maybe even give it a try . Maybe at home she could show her sisters what she had learned from this . But she got back up on the stool , glancing at the front door of the store every once in a while , listening for the bell above the door , but keeping most of her attention on Bill and Abigail . Abigail laid down on her back , taking Bill 's hand in hers . She guided his fingers along her thighs , over her labia , and up to her clit . When bill got the hang of it , Abigail took her hand away , and let Bill rub her pussy in his own way . Abigail damn well knew her clit was special . When she couldn 't get sex , she masturbated with her clitoris instead of penetrating herself . She wasn 't sure which she liked better ; she supposed she liked being entered better , because she was always with a man when she did so . But then again , until now , no man had ever played with her clit . And Abigail loved it . Bill lay down on his side , and put his head between Abigail 's legs . He stuck his tongue out and licked her clit . He didn 't mind doing it , so he licked it again , and some more , and as her clit got larger , he wrapped his lips around it , and tried to put it in his mouth . Abigail 's orgasm ended , and she lifted Bill 's head up . Bill looked at her and wondered what had just happened and what made her want him to stop . She said " Now you 've repaid me for all the times I pleasure you . " Abigail winked at him , then collected her stuff and left the store . Bill stood there , a little awestruck . He had , for the first time , pleasured a girl - perhaps not quite like he had imagined he would , but it worked out nonetheless . " Listen , Bill , Bob and I both know that you know our secret . And I know that you 're shocked , and you probably hate us , but what you saw yesterday concerns only us and God . Do you understand that ? " Bill swallowed . " You want me to not say anything to anyone . But I could , you know . I could tell the mayor , or I could tell anyone . " " That 's right Bill , you could . But Bill , you know me ; you know Bob . We are not bad people . Why should what you saw effect what you think of us ? We 're still the same guys we 've always been . Nothing has changed , except that you now know a secret . That 's it . You know we are nice guys . You won 't tell anybody , because you know what they 'll do to us , and deep down , you don 't want anything bad to happen to us , no matter what we do in our private lives . Isn 't that true ? " " I don 't know . Maybe I do want people to know . Maybe I do want you to be run out of town or hurt or killed - " " No , Bill , you don 't . You 're scared right now , and I understand , but you don 't want any of those things . Your heart is too big to have any hate in you . You might think I 'm a sinner , but remember that God loves us all , no matter what . Isn 't it for God to decide what happens to us , not you ? " " I know you won 't say anything , Bill , " Neil continued . " I know you won 't say anything , but what I want to know is if your sister will say anything . I wanted to talk to her to make sure she knows that she shouldn 't say anything . " When he dreamed , he dreamed about sucking her clit , but when she climaxed , instead of shaking as she had , he dreamed that she came like her clit was a penis . He dreamed she came in his mouth , and he swallowed it all up like girls are supposed to do . He did not remember these dreams when he woke up , but he did have an uneasy feeling from then on whenever he thought of her , or saw his sisters ' clits , as if somehow , in some way , the clit was kind of like a little penis . This thought never fully formed completely into his mind , only on a subconscious level . But he was still uneasy when he saw one , and he felt like he had a bad taste in his mouth they whole day , like there was something sinful about sucking a clit , there was something a little queer about it . Queer . . . an odd word choice . The Thought came back to him at work , and he tried his best to push it down . He did not want to think of anything resembling The Thought , The Thought that suggested he was something like Neil and Bob . . . no , he wasn 't at all . He couldn 't be . He loved his sisters and all his girlfriends . He loved Mary Anne Margaret sliding her pussy up and down his cock , up and down that pole in the house , he thought she was the prettiest little girl he 'd ever seen , so there was just no way he could be . . . no , don 't think that Thought . That is a bad Thought . Finally , when The Thought broke through and asked him " Am I gay ? " , he shouted - not with his voice , but with his mind - he shouted as loud as he could NO ! I am NOT gay ! And he hugged Mary Anne Margaret as tight as he could without hurting her , and he felt comfort in her , comfort when he could find no other comfort , and he knew that without a doubt , he loved her , and that he would always love her , and this love of his sister , and his sister 's presence , helped drive The Thought away . I thought the story was very well written . I like your imagination and creativity . Readers are very fickle people and nearly impossible to please everyone . I enjoyed this story for it 's simplicity , as well as it 's impossibility . I 'll be looking for more of your stories . |
Introduction : ( C ) 2008 Chagrin Riddle William Sisterson wasn 't just your average hardworking inbred boy from rural Southern United States , no sir . His father had named him William , who was educated enough to know that William was the proper form of Bill , and Bill was a good , strong name , a respectable name . It was a name that would carry some weight in the world , and when you said a name like Bill Sisterson , people would know the name off the bat . Bill 's father expected Bill to be famous someday , but he didn 't know just how famous or why . Bill 's mother liked to call him Little Willy when he was young , and would often tease him about his abnormally small pecker . Bill 's sisters would do the same , teasing him and sometimes pulling it hard , trying to stretch it out for him . Bill 's mother said that he wasn 't to blame , though - he took after his father . In all the times Bill 's parents had fucked , his mother had never been pleasured by his father . Bill 's father would fuck her every night after he got home , and not once was he the cause of an orgasm . But for Bill 's father 's size problems , he had an enviable libido to compensate , and liked to spend his load at least six times a day . Now Bill 's father believed that only a woman 's husband could deflower her on her wedding day , so he left his daughters ' perfect little pussies alone , no matter how much he wanted them . At the earliest age , however , he taught each one of his daughters how to suck a dick the right way . He was proud of his daughters , and of what great cocksuckers they turned out to be . In the field of sex , however , Bill 's father was less than proud of his son . He hadn 't wanted to pass his penile genes on , but it seemed , for the first fifteen years of Bill 's life , that he would be forever known as Little Willy . Bill 's father had asked all of Bill 's sisters to help Bill out , to make his penis bigger , but the stretchings were painful . When Bill 's father found out what they were doing to poor Bill 's member , he gave them all the biggest spankings of their lives , and told them that what he had wanted them to do was suck Bill 's dick to make it grow , not pull it . So from the age of eight to fifteen , Bill got head from his sisters everyday , in hopes that his penis would get bigger . His erections were tiny , no bigger than an inch , and having not entered puberty , he never got off to his sisters ' attempts to pleasure him , although he enjoyed the warm , moist feeling of his dick in their mouths , the tongues of his sisters rolling over his cock , the very look of it , the smell of it , the way they put all their efforts into pleasuring him instead of torturing him . He loved it , but he could not spew the cum he had seen his father unload . Bill was a late bloomer , and did not hit puberty until he was fifteen . He worried that his dick would be small forever , and his body was also not fit at the time for farm work , like the other boys were . The other boys teased him because he was so small , and when a couple of his sisters let it slip that his dick was small , the other boys teased him for that , too . But when he did finally hit puberty , people had to watch out . Between his fifteenth and sixteenth birthday , it all came at once . Bill grew to a stunning seven feet even , with a size 25 1 / 2 shoe . His dick became his shoe size in inches when it was solid , over 6 inches thick , and he had immense testes to keep the proportions looking natural . His sex drive succeeded his old man by eight times , so he needed to shoot a shot glass ' worth of semen every half hour , and had over 15 wet dreams a night . If he wasn 't feeding his sisters or his mother with his man - juice , he was pouring it into a bucket . If he didn 't get it out , his testes would become quite painful , as if someone had kicked him , and so he was always masturbating . Now , the last funny thing about Bill 's penis , that the whole town thought was spectacular , was that Bill couldn 't lose his erection . Bill knew it was a curse , not a blessing like all of the other menfolk thought . He got in trouble when he exposed himself in public , and he exposed himself so he wouldn 't cream in his pants , so it wasn 't really his fault . Girls would help him out when they could , supplying their hands to give his a rest . They couldn 't fit his monstrous cock in their mouths , and just about all of the girls were afraid to try to put it anywhere else . It was all just the same for Bill , because he was raised not to stick it in a Homegrown Southern Comfort Cunt unless it was his wedding night , and only queers fucked assholes . His courtships never lasted because his girlfriends were just too intimidated . They got too tired out from keeping the stream flowing for him , and they couldn 't get anything in return . And although his girlfriends never lasted more than a fortnight , he had a great many of them , each hoping to tame Big Willy 's Big Willy . When Bill had hit his growth spurt , he had twenty - nine sisters , and his mother was pregnant with number thirty . Bill 's father never had another boy , and when Bill finally hit that confusing fact of life called puberty , Bill 's father couldn 't have been happier with any other son . Bill 's mother continued to have girls every year of her life until cervical cancer stopped her at the age of 63 , 30 years after Bill 's miraculous boost . But Bill 's father did notice the curse his son had , and how he couldn 't even get a blowjob from his sisters because of the immensity of his cock . His sisters would try , too : they would lick his shaft from end to end , but they couldn 't fit even so much as his head in their mouths , and he often wished he could be young again to feel that damp environment engulfing his dick , and he knew that he could never feel that again . Bill 's father had sympathy for him , and so taught him how to fuck a pig if he ever wanted something else that a thousand girls just couldn 't give him . Bill enjoyed it for a time , but soon found it to be a very shameful act , and only did it when he felt his worst depression . Once in a blue moon he would just spend the night in the barn , pleasuring pig after pig , feeling so sorry for himself . Bill was working the register as usual that day . It was a Wednesday . Bill looked forward to Wednesdays , because it was payday , and he could take his paycheck and go to the city with his father , where they would go to the bank just before it closed ( Bill would stay in the car ) , and Bill 's father would turn the check into cash . Bill 's father would take a bit of it to go towards the homestead , and the rest went into the bank . Bill wanted to save up as much money as he could from working at the General Store so that one day he could have a doctor make his privates smaller . He had read in the porno mags that Neil let him have that some people thought their privates were too small , and doctors could make them bigger . Bill thought that if doctors could make them bigger , why not smaller , too ? He never told his father why he was saving up his money , because he knew his parents would disapprove . When Bill asked his parents about his package , they would say that God had a plan , and that he must always count his blessings . Yet every penny Bill put in that bank was one penny closer to being normal . Pennies were blessings to Bill . Bill worked very hard . He was always helping out customers , telling them where certain items were in the store , always measuring out the deli meats and cheeses with precision , and always had a smile on his face , because he always felt like smiling when he was working . Every moment he worked was also another moment closer to being normal . Mary Anne Margaret , Bill 's twenty - third sister from the top , was helping him today . She sat on his penis like a hobby - horse , her legs dangling over either side of it . She sat at the base , and stroked the top when her arms weren 't too tired . She didn 't wear panties under her dress because Bill said they made his dick itch , but Mary Anne Margaret liked it better that way anyway ; if her vagina itched or her bum itched , she could wiggle around on Big Willy 's dick and scratch the itch that way . It was funny to Mary Anne Margaret that almost everytime she moved around to itch herself , her brother squirted his juice out . She could feel his juice as it traveled through his penis , both with her hands and with her thighs . And , when he squirted , his penis shook a bit , so it was like a ride to her . Mary Anne Margaret was seven years old , and of course she insisted that she was seven and a half and closer to eight . To Bill , this meant that she was getting bigger , and soon Mary Anne Margaret would be too big to ride on his dick comfortably . His penis was strong , but not so strong that he could lift an eight - year - old girl for a long time without wincing . Soon she would have to be replaced by Bill 's twenty - fourth sister , Mary Anne Louise . But for now , Bill enjoyed spending his time with Mary Anne Margaret , because she was nice and sweet and very , very cute . He really enjoyed her softness , and the way she stroked his dick , and she was always happy to do what he asked . If he wanted her to lick it , she would ask how he would like to be licked . But for the moment , Bill was happy to let Mary Anne Margaret ride his dick like a horsie . When she was on Bill 's cock , she was tall enough to greet the customers over the counter and help Bill count change . It was important that Mary Anne Margaret learn math , because she didn 't know what she wanted to do for work yet . Maybe she would work a register , too . She liked to do it , and count out change , and sometimes would do the entire transaction herself , even if it was a little slower than Bill could do . She was very handy , and Bill and Mary Anne Margaret liked each other a lot . But what Bill liked the most about Mary Anne Margaret was the feeling of her legs wrapped around his dick , her cute little pussy sliding over it , and sometimes when Bill thought about it , he didn 't even need to touch his dick and he would cum . Bill came a lot more often now that Mary Anne Margaret was with him . He thought he liked her more than any of his other sisters so far , and if he decided to marry one of his sisters instead of a cousin , he might just marry Mary Anne Margaret . Bill felt her small , smooth hands stroking his dick , and it didn 't take much for Bill to cum . Bill 's dick shot out a cannon blast , and another , and another , twenty or so huge shots of semen in all , which all went straight into a bucket under the counter for Bill to bring home after work and feed his sisters with . Mary Anne Margaret really liked the throbbing in Bill 's cock , so she kept trying to masturbate his huge dick with her tiny hands , getting his dick to jerk around at the end of it all by touching the big purple part at the top . She kind of bounced around , and the little jostles and jolts felt really funny on her pussy . " Afternoon , young missy , " Missus Lee said quickly in return , and went about her business in the store . Missus Lee was married to Mr . Lee , who was a descendant of General Lee , one of the best men who ever lived , and because of that , she was an awful snob . Most of Bill 's sisters hated her , but Mary Anne Margaret couldn 't hate anyone . That was another reason Bill like her so much . " Don 't you ' Ma ' am ' me . That 's not what I heard , young man . I just think about how painful it is on them . Don 't you see how painful it is ? I 'll bet you like that , though . " " Nothing , " Bill said , " nothing is awful for you . " He kissed the top of her head , and ignored the fleeting thought of hurting his sister with his cock . " Okay , sport , " he said , " time to get down . " " O - kay ! " she said , nearly at eye level with Bill 's cock , and wrapped her hands around it again . She stuck her tongue out and licked his head , just the way he always liked . She licked the bottom of it first , right where the purple turned into skin , then quickly moved her tongue to the side and up over to the top of it . Next she put her lips to it , and sucked on the top of it like when she sucked soup from her bowl , making slurping sounds . She then licked the side of it like she was going to roll a cigarette , passing her tongue over the same area a bunch of times , then did the same for the other side . " Okay . . . " Bill said , ready to cum . Mary Anne Margaret licked his pee - hole and then sucked at that like soup . Bill 's huge testes lifted , and his penis unloaded into his sister 's mouth . The cum flew to the back of her throat , then he shot out another load and her mouth got full . Mary Anne Margaret moved her mouth away , and he dumped the rest of his load in the bucket . Mary Anne Margaret swallowed what was in her mouth in three big gulps and one small one , then giggled . She liked to drink Bill 's cum . It wasn 't as salty as her daddy 's . It was actually very sweet , like some kind of candy . All of Bill 's sisters thought Bill 's juice tasted great , so it was really a treat for them when they got to drink it . Most of what was in the bucket would be given to the four babies to drink , because Bill 's daddy said it helped the babies grow . He also said cum should be added to the food pyramid , since it was so healthy for growing girls . Bill petted his sister 's hair , and she hugged him and giggled . Bill then buttoned on the detachable section of his overalls . It was an extra large square of cloth that his seventh sister Bethany had sewn when he had finished his growth spurt . The square was denim on the outside and cotton inside , so Bill could walk around outdoors without any discomfort , only a huge bulge in his pants . The cloth covered up the hole in his overalls that exposed his penis and balls , which had needed to be cutout so he could fit into them . What Bill and Mary Anne Margaret saw instead shocked them both . Bob was on his knees , sucking Neil 's cock like girls are supposed to do . Neither of them noticed Bill or his sister , so Bill just slammed the door to the back room and pulled Mary Anne Margaret along with him . He grabbed his bucket from behind the counter and left the store with Mary Anne Margaret in tow . Bill was confused and couldn 't think . He didn 't know what he had just seen . Had he just discovered that Neil and Bob were queers ? No , he must have seen something else . Neil and Bob couldn 't be queers . They owned a respectable general store that Bill worked at . Neil and Bob both ran out of the store like bullets and shouted at Bill to stop . Bill stopped in his tracks and turned around , not sure what he was going to see . The image of Neil 's cock in Bob 's mouth was burned into his brain . " Don 't you say that ! " Neil shouted . " You don 't say anything if you want to keep your job . If the town council knew we 'd be lynched like a couple of niggers . Now I want you to forget about what you saw . It never happened . " The five girls Bill 's mom had named rushed over to Bill immediately , pulled him to his favorite chair , unbuttoned the cloth covering , and all went straight work sucking his dick . The nine - going - on - ten triplets went for his penis , with Mary Jane and Mary Beth each licking his shaft , and Mary Margaret licking his head ; while the twelve - year - old twins Jennie Anne and Jane Anne licked his balls . All five tongues on his privates did a number on him , even though he wasn 't horny , and he soon jizzed all over Mary Margaret 's face , until she was pushed out of the way by Mary Jane , who got a shot on her face , too . By the time they were done , all five girls had their faces covered in cum . " Not at all ? " Bill 's mom asked . " My goodness . Well , you must be hurting a lot , then , poor dear . Mary Anne Beth , Mary Beth Anne , Anne Grace , Annie Grace , and Mary Anne , I want you to help him out next . " The next five girls made their way to Bill and started licking him like crazy . Bill shot off another load pretty quickly , but he still was very distracted . He just couldn 't think anymore . When Bill 's father got home a couple hours later , the excitement of Bill 's return had died down , and the household was calm again . Bill 's other twin sisters , Jennie and Jane , twelve - going - on - thirteen , were playing with Bill 's dick , spitting on it and stroking it , while Bill just relaxed in his chair , trying to get into it . His mind was gradually coming off the image of sin . Bill 's father sighed , and sat down in his favorite chair , right next to Bill . He unstrapped his overalls and pulled them down , exposing his tiny erection . Bill 's father 's penis wasn 't more than three inches when erect , if that . Annie Grace and Mary Anne Margaret came over to their father . Annie Grace , age eleven , got to her knees , and put her father 's dick in her mouth . She sucked it the way he liked , bobbing back and forth , keeping her tongue out to touch his balls . Bill 's father loved Annie Grace 's blowjobs . Out of all the children , she knew how to pleasure her father the best . Bill 's father loved to watch Mary Anne Margaret dance . She wasn 't the most coordinated , and didn 't have everything perfect the way her father wanted , but she certainly had the prettiest body , and if Bill 's father were any other man , he would have already broken her cherry . But Bill 's father was a good upstanding Christian , so Bill 's father only dreamed of fucking his daughters , but did nothing about it . Mary Anne Margaret swung around the pole , then put her back against it and bent her knees , sliding her ass down it . She took off her panties next , which she had since put on after getting home . Nobody but Bill knew she didn 't like to wear panties . Bill 's father creamed in Annie Grace 's mouth , and Annie Grace swallowed fast . She didn 't like her father 's cum at all . Her father 's cum was much too bitter . As soon as she could , she stopped sucking her father 's cock . She didn 't think it was fair that her father asked her to suck his dick more than any of the other girls . He only ever made his other daughters suck his dick if he was teaching them how . " Bill forgot his check today , daddy , " Mary Anne Margaret said , still dancing at the pole . Mary Anne Margaret liked to dance at the pole , so she didn 't mind when her father told her to . Sometimes , when she didn 't have chores to do , she liked to practice at the pole , and her sisters would help her out and try to teach her . Bill wasn 't nearly as calm as Mary Anne Margaret was . When Mary Anne Margaret said he had forgotten his check , the color faded in his cheeks , and he expected to be beaten by his father . The funny thing was , Bill 's father hadn 't beaten him or even yelled at him since he grew taller than his father . But Bill always expected it . Annie Grace got on her knees in front of Bill 's dick and whispered to Jennie and Jane , who had gotten most of the jizz off themselves and into their bellies . The twins nodded in unison , and got up and left , leaving Annie Grace with Big Willy 's dick by herself . She wanted to drink some of Bill 's cum to get the taste of her father 's cum out of her mouth . She wasn 't the best as pleasuring Big Willy , but she still tried her best . She stroked Bill 's shaft and licked his head , poking her tongue in his pee - hole , trying to get any remnants of jizz there might be just inside . " Well , that 's acceptable , " Bill 's father said . Annie Beth and Beth Anne were both fourteen , and the oldest of Bill 's sisters still living at home . There had been many men calling them , and Bill 's father asked them all some basic questions and approved every one . Beth Anne , however , disapproved every one of them , and she spent most of her nights at home . Bill 's father couldn 't understand it . Why would Beth Anne stay in when her twin sister Annie Beth went out all the time ? " Mary Anne ! " Bill 's father shouted , and Mary Anne came in the room a moment later . Mary Anne was thirteen and a half , the next oldest girl after Annie Beth and Beth Anne . " Yes , paw ? " Mary Anne said , hoping she wouldn 't have to suck her father 's dick again . She knew that the trick to not being asked to suck her father 's dick was to pretend to be bad at it , and never do it the way he wanted . She 'd sucked lots of dicks , and she knew that every guy liked it a different way . Lots of men loved her mouth , but she made sure her father wasn 't one of those men . Mary Anne crossed the room to where he father was seated and got on her knees . She opened her mouth wide and fit both of her father 's balls in her mouth . She played with them inside her mouth with her tongue . She didn 't mind sucking his balls too much , even though they smelled after he got home . She just didn 't like his semen the most . Like the rest of his sisters thought , it tasted really bad . She loved to suck other dicks , and even enjoyed the taste of cum , but there was just something wrong with her father 's . " So why did Bill forget his check ? " Bill 's father asked , to no one in particular . Bill 's face drained again , just after it began getting its color back because he figured his father forgot about it . " Oh , that old hag came in the store today ? " Bill 's father said , " I 'm sorry , son . I can see why you 'd want to get away from that old bitch as fast as possible . " Bill relaxed , glad that his father wasn 't angry with him . Annie Grace continued her attempt at shoving her entire tongue in her brother 's dick hole , stroking his shaft with both hands . Bill didn 't pay attention to Annie Grace , but Mary Anne Margaret 's dance made him spew another round , most of it into Annie Grace 's mouth . Annie Grace swooshed his cum around in her mouth before she swallowed , appreciating the nice , sweet taste . One splash hit her cheek , so she pushed it into her mouth with her finger and sucked her finger . There was a knock at the door , and Annie Grace got up to answer it , keeping her finger in her mouth , savoring everything on it . She opened the door and a voice said " Evening , little missy . And which of the Sisterson children might you be ? " Bill recognized the voice immediately as Bob , and he felt the impulse to cover up his cock . He suddenly didn 't want anyone to see it , especially not Bob . Bob sucked dicks , and he didn 't want Bob getting any ideas about Bill 's dick . Bill momentarily shifted , but his impulse left him before he covered up . Bill 's father had always told him that you can do what you want in your own home , and what rules there are outside don 't matter in the Sisterson household . In the Sisterson household , it didn 't matter who was over , whether it be a suitor for the children , a nun , or the President ; the Sisterson family had the right to do as they pleased in their own home , including being naked in front of guests . " Damned if that ain 't so , " Neil said , grinning . " Anyway , just came by to drop off the check . Give this to Bill , will you dear ? " Neil asked Annie Grace , who had put her finger back in her mouth . " Sure you don 't want to stay for dinner ? " Bill 's father asked . " I 'm sure my wife 's got enough food for two more . " " Oh , I know , " Neil said . In reality , he didn 't know for sure . He had rejected every invitation for a sexual favor concerning Bill 's sisters , and now Bill knew why . Bob only accepted once , back when Louise wasn 't off and married , and Louise had told Bill that Bob hadn 't cum at all , even though she 'd tried her best . She spent the whole evening sucking his dick a thousand different ways , but he hardly ever glanced at her and didn 't seem to pay attention to her at all . Now Bill knew why that was the case , too . Everything made sense now . Annie Grace handed her brother the envelope , and then sat on her brother 's lap lazily , to the side of his dick , and began gently squeezing his ball sack and pulling at the skin , just playing with it . Bill put his hands around his sister , hugging her close . He didn 't want her to ever get close to Neil and Bob again . It was then that his hatred began to boil to the surface , his anger ready to pop . His face turned ugly , and he used all his will not to stand up and shout ' Faggots ! Queers ! Butt - fuckers ! ' But Bill sat still , keeping his sister on his lap , ready to squeeze her till she burst . " I know your daughters give great head , " Neil was saying , " but we just don 't have the time . If we could , we would . We 'll take a raincheck on it , though . " That night , Bill remembered all of his dreams . In every dream , his dick was a normal size , but that was the only good part . The rest frightened him terribly . He dreamed that Bob sucked him dry . He dreamed that he fucked Bob 's asshole while Neil watched , and in his dream Bill came in Bob 's ass . In another dream he sucked Neil 's cock , and drank his cum , and in another Neil fucked Bill 's ass , and Neil came inside him . In another Bob licked Bill 's asshole until he came , and in the last Neil had a dick the size of Bill 's , and he fucked Bill 's asshole wide open . In every fleeting , phantasmagoric scene , Bill got off like he 'd never gotten off before . When Bill woke up as the cock crowed , he saw that Mary Grace , his six - year - old sister who had decided to sleep with him that night , was covered in cum . She had slept on top of him , naked , with her thighs around his dick , and he had jizzed all over her back , hair , and ass . Every one of those dreams had been wet . He didn 't want to believe that . He didn 't want to think that he had enjoyed the dreams of Neil and Bob . He hated them . Bill thought - no , Bill pushed The Thought away as soon as it came to him , and tried to ignore it . He would never allow The Thought to creep into his mind . Mary Grace 's sisters had a fun time giving her a tongue bath , licking her clean and getting their cum - rush for the morning . Jennie Anne slid her tongue over Mary Grace 's vagina , just seeing what she would do , and Mary Grace kind of liked it . A couple of girls wanted fresh jizz , so they licked Bill 's dick to get him off before he went to work . Bill didn 't want to go to work . He didn 't want to see Neil and Bob ever again . But he never told his father anything . He didn 't want to tell his father that a couple of queers had been inside the Sisterson household . He thought about feigning sickness , but he knew his father could tell if Bill was faking it ; Bill had tried to fake it to stay home from school before puberty , just once , and his father had seen through him , and beat him good to learn him . Bill wasn 't sure which of his sisters he would bring with him to work , but he knew that if he didn 't bring one he 'd just about go crazy . Eventually he settled for Mary Anne Margaret , even though he wanted to expose his favorite sister to homos least of any . He brought her along anyway , because he knew that she would keep quiet if anything else happened , as she already had been keeping quiet , and there was no need to risk exposing any of his other sisters . Mary Ann Margaret walked next to Bill down the road they lived on , she holding the empty bucket and secretly going pantiless , and he wearing his usual overalls with the extra large adjustment . They passed by a number of farmhands coming into work by truck or by foot , each waving to the Sisterson siblings as they passed , all friendly enough as though their world had not yet been turned downside up . Mary Anne Margaret waved with her free hand , sometimes shouting a greeting , but Bill didn 't pay attention to the people they passed . His only thoughts were on the hell he would soon be entering , and he knew that if he were any less of a man , he would run from that place and never enter it again . But he did enter it ; he entered Neil ' n ' Bob 's General Store with his head held high . He would be brave , and he would not enter the back room all day , and he would never enter the back room again . Neil and Bob might be fags , but he knew that they would lose business if they fucked each other in public . They would probably be lynched , and the store would be burned down , and people would take pity on poor Bill for having to work with queers . But maybe not . . . maybe townsfolk would think that Bill was a queer too , and would lynch him just the same . A lot of people did not like Bill , and might see him all the worse for it . Bill uncovered his penis behind the counter , then lifted Mary Anne Margaret onto the base of it . Today , as usual , she was wearing no panties , with only her skirt covering up her own privates and very little of the giant schlong she was straddling . She enjoyed the skin rubbing against her pussy , and wondered what it would be like when she had her own husband and he could stick his penis inside her . Would it feel just as good ? Better ? Would it hurt ? Her older sisters , the ones who were married and had had sex , had told her that it was painful the first time , if not the first couple of times . If the six inch penises that her sisters ' husbands had were painful , she could only imagine what it would be like to fit Bill 's entire member inside her . His penis was larger than her mother 's newborns , and she knew from watching her sisters give birth just how much that hurt . But sliding along Bill 's penis didn 't hurt at all ; it felt really good . Certainly , sliding along a penis wasn 't what you were supposed to do , but she loved the feeling anyway . It was like sliding along a warmer version of the dancing pole , except Bill 's penis wasn 't smooth , of course , and it was thicker than the pole , but it was similar enough . Thinking of it , Mary Anne Margaret grabbed ahold of Bill 's cock in front of her , and slid her bum back and forth over a little area at the base of his dick . Her pussy lips tried to open for his dick the way they tried to open for the pole when she slid down it , but of course her pussy wouldn 't open at all . She couldn 't wait till she was bigger and her vagina would open , letting something inside . No matter how painful it might be in real life , every time she dreamed of putting Bill 's dick inside her , filling her to the rafters , it was the most wonderful dream she had . She dreamed that she was impaled by his penis , and the idea of it , of being filled so completely by her brother , made her feel warm and good inside . " Mornin ' , darlin ' , " Neil said , but didn 't take his eyes off Bill . " Glad you came in today , " Neil said to Bill . Bill still remained silent . Neil sighed , and went about his business stocking the fridge . If Bill didn 't want to talk , Neil would oblige . Neil took Bill 's silence to mean that if Bill didn 't want to talk , he sure wouldn 't say anything to anyone else . Neil knew what would happen if the townsfolk found out about him and Bob . There was no doubt in his mind that he would be murdered , and maybe beaten first . Southern hospitality is a great thing , but Neil knew it only applies to straight white people . ' No niggers and no queers ' is practically the motto of the state , as any member of the local KKK chapter will tell you , and they are legion . Neil is a member of the KKK himself , just to keep up appearances . He goes to cross burnings and the meetings , but he is mysteriously absent when the party comes around to bash a nigger 's face in . Fortunately they don 't find anything odd about that , and just tell him " You won 't believe what you missed ! " at the bar the next day . Bob , however , is a little more trouble . Neil knows that Bob is a little more on the feminine side than Neil , and Bob has to thoroughly watch his act around people . Whenever Bob acts a little limp - wristed in public , he attracts too much attention , and Neil has to vouch for Bob 's straightness , since he is business partners with Bob , after all . He 's also sex partners with Bob , but the townsfolk don 't ever need to know that . And , it seems , they won 't find out , so long as Bill and Mary Anne Margaret keep their mouths shut . Neil is fairly certain they will . " Have you ever had a fucking conversation with him , Bob ? All he talks about when he 's not around his folks is about how he hates being so different . He hates the stares he gets everywhere he goes ; he hates having a dick that never quits , and one so large as that ; he hates ignorant fucking townsfolk cursing him for being different . He thanks me just about everyday for giving him work at a job he can do when nobody else will . And the most important reason he wants to keep this job is because of the money he makes . He 's told me once before , just once , when the idea first came into his head , that someday he wants to have surgery done so he can have a smaller dick . He 's saving all the money he can from this job , and he 'll be damned if he cuts off his only supply of money . " At about noontime , Abigail Sisterson came in . Abigail was Bill 's father 's brother 's daughter - his cousin , in other words . For a brief spell , a couple years ago , Bill tried to court Abigail , but the romantic relationship lasted only two weeks before Abigail realized she could not spend her life with a man so big . She got tired of stroking him and licking him and not being able to go anywhere public like a restaurant or even the movies . She also knew he would never be able to fit inside her . She loved sex too much to give it up . Unlike Bill 's father , who discouraged sex before marriage , Abigail 's father had no problem with it . In fact , he had proudly popped every one of his daughters ' cherries . Abigail was her father 's favorite , because she was quite beautiful . Abigail was so beautiful , in fact , she had suitors by the dozen . Every boy and man in the county wanted her pussy , and she was quite happy to give it to them . But the one boy she really liked among them all was the only boy she couldn 't give it to , and that boy was Bill . " Who is this little girl ? " Abigail asked , as Mary Anne Margaret rang up the items . She was getting quite good at memorizing the prices and handling the register . " Of course he couldn 't , how silly of me , " Abigail said , then looked up at Bill . " Say , Bill , why don 't you give the kid a break ? I want to pleasure you like I used to , just for old time 's sake . " Bill glanced at Abigail 's breasts . They were much bigger now , now that she had fully grown in . When they were courting , her breasts had been a decent size , but now she had blossomed with breasts that Bill had only seen in porno mags . She was just as beautiful now as she had been before , and just at the thought of sliding his penis between her breasts made him orgasm , shooting a load into the bucket under the counter . Abigail smiled broadly , running around the counter to see Bill . They both got on the floor , and Abigail took off her dress . Just like Mary Anne Margaret , Abigail didn 't like to wear panties . Abigail helped Bill out of his clothes , and together they sat on the floor naked . Bill really hoped nobody could see over the counter , or both of them would be in trouble . With no customers around , Mary Anne Margaret watched Abigail lick Bill 's dick , trying to learn some new ways of doing it , seeing what Bill really liked . He seemed to really enjoy all of the spit that was on his dick , making it slippery and shiny . From where she stood , high up on the stool , Mary Anne Margaret hocked a well aimed loogie onto Bill 's dick . Abigail looked up at Mary Anne Margaret , who was proud of his shot , and getting ready with another one . Abigail rubbed in Mary Anne Margaret 's spit , and Mary Anne Margaret smiled . Then she spit again , hitting the head of Bill 's penis . Some of it slid down the side , and some of it went into his hole . Mary Anne Margaret found that entertaining , and from then on keep spitting , trying her best to get it in Bill 's pee - hole , as if it were a game . Bill didn 't object , and it didn 't interfere with Abigail 's plans . When Abigail thought Bill 's dick was soaked enough , she took her tongue away from her shaft and put her boobs against it . She slid her nipples over his slimy shaft at first , but then spread her tits apart and wrapped them around his dick . She slid her tits up and down his shaft , getting her cleavage wet with spit . A mix of precum and Mary Anne Margaret 's spit dribbled out of Bill 's dickhole and onto Abigail 's tits . Bill watched Abigail and Mary Anne Margaret , looking to one and then the other . He liked Abigail a lot , and he loved to watch her slide her tits over his dick , but what he really wanted was for Mary Anne Margaret to have those great tits and to be doing it herself . He tried to imagine Mary Anne Margaret 's tiny frame holding massive tits , and it seemed totally impossible . Mary Anne Margaret would have to grow up a lot more before she could grow massive breasts . But God , did he wish she weren 't up on that stool at this moment . How he wished she was licking his dickhead as Abigail stroked his shaft with her tits . . . Bill came as he thought that , shooting cum straight into the air . Mary Anne Margaret thought it was funny to see such a thing , and laughed . Abigail noticed it at once , and stopped her titjob , so she could avoid the cumshot . She didn 't want it to get in her hair , because it would be hard to get out , and it wouldn 't look good at all to walk down the street with tons of cum in her hair . But the cum did hit her as it came down , but it hit her tits , which she was okay with . Spurt after spurt flew into the air and came crashing down on her tits , until Bill 's orgasm finally subsided . As the last of Bill 's cum dribbled down his dick , Abigail licked his dick as best as she could to get it clean . When she was done , she said , " I always loved your cum , Billy . It always tasted so sweet . As sweet as you always were to me . " " Yay ! " Mary Anne Margaret said , and climbed off of the stool . She started licking the cum off of Abigail 's tits , savoring every drop . " She loves your cum as much as I do , " Abigail said as she watched . " Say , Bill , I know you were never really able to pleasure me before , but my last boyfriend showed me a few things that maybe you can do , that doesn 't involve your dick . Do you know how to pleasure a woman with your fingers or your tongue ? " " Why don 't you just . . . touch around it then ? Touch the outside ? Maybe even lick the outside , like how I lick the outside of your dick . If you don 't put anything inside me , it 's not really a sin , right ? " " I guess not , " Bill said , taking a good look at her crotch . Bill really had always wanted to repay her for the things she did to him . In fact , he had wanted to repay every girl for what they 'd done to him , but he never really thought about how to do it . His father never ate out his mother at all ; so Bill had never had any instruction on it . " Okay . . . " Mary Anne Margaret said . She had hoped she 'd be allowed to watch up close and maybe even give it a try . Maybe at home she could show her sisters what she had learned from this . But she got back up on the stool , glancing at the front door of the store every once in a while , listening for the bell above the door , but keeping most of her attention on Bill and Abigail . Abigail laid down on her back , taking Bill 's hand in hers . She guided his fingers along her thighs , over her labia , and up to her clit . When bill got the hang of it , Abigail took her hand away , and let Bill rub her pussy in his own way . Abigail damn well knew her clit was special . When she couldn 't get sex , she masturbated with her clitoris instead of penetrating herself . She wasn 't sure which she liked better ; she supposed she liked being entered better , because she was always with a man when she did so . But then again , until now , no man had ever played with her clit . And Abigail loved it . Bill lay down on his side , and put his head between Abigail 's legs . He stuck his tongue out and licked her clit . He didn 't mind doing it , so he licked it again , and some more , and as her clit got larger , he wrapped his lips around it , and tried to put it in his mouth . Abigail 's orgasm ended , and she lifted Bill 's head up . Bill looked at her and wondered what had just happened and what made her want him to stop . She said " Now you 've repaid me for all the times I pleasure you . " Abigail winked at him , then collected her stuff and left the store . Bill stood there , a little awestruck . He had , for the first time , pleasured a girl - perhaps not quite like he had imagined he would , but it worked out nonetheless . " Listen , Bill , Bob and I both know that you know our secret . And I know that you 're shocked , and you probably hate us , but what you saw yesterday concerns only us and God . Do you understand that ? " Bill swallowed . " You want me to not say anything to anyone . But I could , you know . I could tell the mayor , or I could tell anyone . " " That 's right Bill , you could . But Bill , you know me ; you know Bob . We are not bad people . Why should what you saw effect what you think of us ? We 're still the same guys we 've always been . Nothing has changed , except that you now know a secret . That 's it . You know we are nice guys . You won 't tell anybody , because you know what they 'll do to us , and deep down , you don 't want anything bad to happen to us , no matter what we do in our private lives . Isn 't that true ? " " I don 't know . Maybe I do want people to know . Maybe I do want you to be run out of town or hurt or killed - " " No , Bill , you don 't . You 're scared right now , and I understand , but you don 't want any of those things . Your heart is too big to have any hate in you . You might think I 'm a sinner , but remember that God loves us all , no matter what . Isn 't it for God to decide what happens to us , not you ? " " I know you won 't say anything , Bill , " Neil continued . " I know you won 't say anything , but what I want to know is if your sister will say anything . I wanted to talk to her to make sure she knows that she shouldn 't say anything . " When he dreamed , he dreamed about sucking her clit , but when she climaxed , instead of shaking as she had , he dreamed that she came like her clit was a penis . He dreamed she came in his mouth , and he swallowed it all up like girls are supposed to do . He did not remember these dreams when he woke up , but he did have an uneasy feeling from then on whenever he thought of her , or saw his sisters ' clits , as if somehow , in some way , the clit was kind of like a little penis . This thought never fully formed completely into his mind , only on a subconscious level . But he was still uneasy when he saw one , and he felt like he had a bad taste in his mouth they whole day , like there was something sinful about sucking a clit , there was something a little queer about it . Queer . . . an odd word choice . The Thought came back to him at work , and he tried his best to push it down . He did not want to think of anything resembling The Thought , The Thought that suggested he was something like Neil and Bob . . . no , he wasn 't at all . He couldn 't be . He loved his sisters and all his girlfriends . He loved Mary Anne Margaret sliding her pussy up and down his cock , up and down that pole in the house , he thought she was the prettiest little girl he 'd ever seen , so there was just no way he could be . . . no , don 't think that Thought . That is a bad Thought . Finally , when The Thought broke through and asked him " Am I gay ? " , he shouted - not with his voice , but with his mind - he shouted as loud as he could NO ! I am NOT gay ! And he hugged Mary Anne Margaret as tight as he could without hurting her , and he felt comfort in her , comfort when he could find no other comfort , and he knew that without a doubt , he loved her , and that he would always love her , and this love of his sister , and his sister 's presence , helped drive The Thought away . I thought the story was very well written . I like your imagination and creativity . Readers are very fickle people and nearly impossible to please everyone . I enjoyed this story for it 's simplicity , as well as it 's impossibility . I 'll be looking for more of your stories . |
I am a Correction Officer assigned to a maximum - security prison of some notoriety in Western New York . I have lived alone since my wife passed away five years ago . The term insurance that I carried on my wife paid off all debt , and added to my net worth . It did nothing to console my loneliness . My house is a large three - story brick farmhouse . Stately and mature black walnut trees surround it . I also had a large stands of oak and hard maple trees 400 yards behind the house . These are the predominate trees on my property . My trees afford me shade and privacy . I have two barns as well as a two - car garage . My nearest neighbor 's live a mile or so away . I decided to convert the third floor of my house into a three - room apartment with a kitchen and full bath . I am quite handy with my hands , learning carpentry , electrical and plumbing early in life , doing most of the work myself . Soon the apartment was ready to rent . I posted a yellow file card on the bulletin board stating by appointment only . As it turned out , I rented to the first person I interviewed . Her name was Elizabeth Adamczyk , a new employee . Beth just started working a week prior as a secretary in the Personnel Office . My yellow file card was probably up for less then an hour . Elizabeth read it and put it in her purse to keep away prospective renters , thank God . Elizabeth left work early that day and drove to my house . Beth actually arrived an hour before I did giving her the opportunity to really look things over . I could see an old beat - up red Ford sedan parked by the garage when I pulled into my driveway . Elizabeth was standing outside on that beautiful fall day waiting to see the apartment . While waiting , Beth had gathered a bouquet of colorful fall leaves . In this Elizabeth reminded me so much of my Bea . Bea delighted in these simple pleasures as I loved and delighted in her . So much of me died along with Bea , things I used to care about or notice . I forgot how beautiful the individual leaves were , seeing merely a mess to rake up . And I remembered how goI got out of my truck , smiling and was fascinated with this pretty woman . Elizabeth walked over to introduce herself . Beth 's handshake was firm and sincere . Elizabeth was confident and looked me directly in the eye when she spoke . I liked Elizabeth immediately . I showed Beth the apartment on the spot without an appointment . Two weeks later I helped Beth move her belongings from a small storage unit in Batavia with my pickup truck . After Elizabeth had lived above me for about 11 months . I got to know Beth 's routine and schedule . Elizabeth was friendly but reserved and mostly tended to keep to herself . Beth never had any gentlemen callers and seldom went out . Elizabeth did bowl every Thursday on a women 's bowling league . When Beth first moved in , she offered to help cut the grass . During the winter months , if Beth saw me outside shoveling , she would come out and help me . In the spring I taught Elizabeth how to operate the old farm tractor I used to mow the property . Without thinking , I picked Beth up by the waist and put her on the seat . What a surprised look Elizabeth had on her face . I immediately apologized , a little red in the face ; what was I thinking , or not thinking . The first few times Beth drove the tractor , I stood along side on the step up while Beth was driving talking her through things . The second time out and unable to stop , Beth ran the tractor into the red sumac bushes sending me flying . Elizabeth took over caring for the perennial flowerbeds my wife planted around the house . I pretty much had left them to go a little wild . As with the fall leaves , Beth delighted in watching the first buds on the plants . Elizabeth would insist on me coming over to look at each one when they bloomed . Beth 's favorites were the yellow daffodils , as were mine For Beth , I would drop whatever I was doing to go look . In the evening we often sat together under the walnut trees . We made small talk and argued current events . Politically we are diametric . Our arguments are passionate but never contentious . I would sit with my arms folded , rooted in place like my trees , not giving an inch . Elizabeth would circle my chair . Beth would then stop in front of me . Beth 's hands placed firmly on her hips , leaning slightly forward . Then Elizabeth would make her point or counter argument . Finally Beth would stand straight and give her head a little toss . When she did , I often had the urge to grab Beth and kiss her mouth . Not to silence her mind you , but just because Beth was so damn stubborn . . . and pretty . We seldom agreed about politics and most often agreed to disagree . We wanted the same good things for our country , but approached it from different directions . Elizabeth would sit and crochet hats , scarves , mittens and blankets that she donated to thElizabeth never talked about her past personal life . I never talked about mine . Beth was a good tenant except for one thing . Elizabeth was frequently late with the rent . Annoyed with her , I decided to make some discreet inquiries . On my lunch break I went to the Personnel Office to speak privately with my friend , Margaret . Margaret stored her 1967 Chrysler Imperial Convertible in my barn rent - free . From November to May until the weather turned warm enough to drive it . I knew that Margaret would help me . The first thing that Margaret asked me when I walked into her office was . " When are you going to find yourself a nice girl ? " " Have you ever talked to Elizabeth and come out and asked her ? " Asked Elizabeth out on a date ? " " Invited Elizabeth into your home , and I don 't mean outside under the trees ? " " I don 't know how to bowl , Margaret . " I said , stubbornly . " You forget , I have known you since you were a little boy , Ricky . " " Put your arms down , and stop being so stubborn . I don 't want to argue with you . " Margaret had over 40 years of state service . Margaret knew all the passwords to access restricted computer files . This enabled her retrieve documents and information them from Central Office in Albany . Margaret was well liked by everyone . The secretaries working under her especially liked Margaret . Margaret is like an old mother hen with connections . I spent a great deal of time at Margaret 's house growing up . I found out that Elizabeth was originally from the Buffalo , N . Y . area and had never married . Beth attended Notre Dame College to get a teaching degree . While attending college , Elizabeth worked as a waitress , nights . Beth 's father died suddenly , leaving her mother , not a well woman without savings or adequate insurance . Elizabeth dropped out of college and moved back home to support her mother . In time , Beth 's mother became too much for Elizabeth to handle alone . Beth reluctantly placed her mother in a nursing home to receive skilled nursing care . After her mom 's death , Elizabeth lost the house because of liens filed against it by the home to defer the cost of her mother 's stay . The last occupation listed on her state job application form was at J . C . Penny 's . Beth worked as a salesperson in the shoe department . " That 's all you need to know , Ricky . I like Elizabeth very much . Elizabeth is a hard worker . Elizabeth is perfect for you . Take my word for it . You are renting to a nice , hard working girl . " Margaret has a way with people . Margaret also has to have the last word . Before I left , Margaret reminded me again to find myself a nice girl . Pointing out again there was one living above me . Margaret hinted that Beth might be more then interested and was available . I was too obtuse to pick up on Margaret 's hints . When I described our first handshake , Elizabeth 's fingernails were short and sensible . They were much longer on the day I visited Margaret . With colored nail polish instead of clear . I don 't like them that way . Come to think of it , I noticed a lot of Secretaries with long painted fingernails . Maybe it 's the new style or something . On the way out , I saw Elizabeth trying to ignore an outside repairman fixing the photocopy machine . He was in his early twenties and seemed to be pestering Beth and was acting forward and over familiar . For some reason I didn 't like the looks of him . I walked over to say hello to Beth and said . " I won 't be home right away , Elizabeth . I 'm going to stop and get a new nozzle for our hose . Then , when we water the flowers we won 't get wet from the water squirting out at the connection . I also caught the man 's eye , giving him a mean look , warning him to back off , and causing him to walk away and get his tools . Beth gave my hand a little squeeze and rewarded me with kiss on the cheek . Perhaps I should buy a new hose as well . Beth had beautiful thick long hair then . It was dark brown with reddish highlights and blunt cut reaching almost to her waist . As I said , to Beth 's credit she keeps it pinned up all neat and proper while at work . My Bea had long honey blond hair , although not as long as Beth 's . It fell exactly 3 inches past the bottom of Bea 's shoulder blades . Long enough to wear up , or braid , but not too long to hold a curl . That was how I liked it , 3 inches past Bea 's shoulder blades . Like Bea , Elizabeth is a proper modest Lady . The background information out of the way : It was the first week of August . Elizabeth 's rent was over due . Beth still owed me for June and July . Beth promised me a check on Friday for both months rent . We both work the day shift 7 - 3 and have weekends off . It was hot and sticky that Friday , the temperature in the nineties . At the last minute , I was mandated to work eight hours unscheduled overtime on the 3 - 11 shift . I telephoned Elizabeth and told her I was working a double . I instructed Beth to get the spare house key hidden in the barn behind an old license plate . The key would let her in the front door . Elizabeth entered her apartment from the back stairs and did not a key for the inside door to enter the rest of the house . Elizabeth would leave my rent check on the oak table in the foyer . At 6 : 00 PM the Chart Sergeant sent me home early . I pulled into my driveway approximately 6 : 20 PM . I parked my truck next Elizabeth 's Ford in the garage . I found the front door unlocked . There was no rent check on the table . Pissed off , all I wanted were a shower and a half hour nap in bedroom . This was the only room in the house with air - conditioning . I walked up the stairs on the way to the bathroom . When I reached the landing , I observed that my bedroom door was closed . I could hear the window air - conditioner running . Suspicious , when I reached the bedroom door I slowly turned the doorknob and quietly pushed it open . I couldn 't believe what I saw . Elizabeth was asleep on my bed wearing her bra and panties . Beth 's beautiful hair was pulled back in a ponytail and held in place with a pink scrunchie . The walk - in closet door was open on my wife 's side . There was a pile of my wife 's dresses laid out on the bed next to Beth It was if Elizabeth had tried them all on before falling asleep . I quietly walked to my dresser and observed my alarm clock was on the left side instead of the right . Upon closer inspection , the alarm was set for 10 : 00 PM . One hour before my overtime shift was supposed to end . Opening the top dresser drawer IReleasing Beth 's hair , I removed the handcuffs . " I going to take a shower now , and then put on some steaks for us . " I took a longer shower the usual . I knew I was wrong and had over reacted . I was angry at first , but that had passed . I stood in from of the mirror and I shaved off my handle bar mustache that I grew after Bea died . I ran my hand over my short - cropped blond hair , wondering if I should let it grow out . Bea loved to run her fingers through it when it was longer . I planned our weekend . I undressed Beth in my mind , like I often did when we sat under the trees . I returned to the bedroom with a basin of cold water , a washcloth and nail clippers . I made Beth stand facing me while I gently washed the makeup from her face . I hated seeing Beth wearing that much makeup . Elizabeth was far to pretty . When I finished I commented . " That 's better , Elizabeth . You are too pretty to wear so much makeup . " I took her face in my hands and closed my eyes . I lightly kissed her sweet lips and sighed , thinking more luscious then I imagined . At my request , Beth cut her nails shorter . " Wife , please take off your bra and panties . Elizabeth actually complied . " Wonderful , now take the scrunchie out of your hair and shake your head . " Elizabeth dropped her bra and panties on the floor . Beth then reached back and removed the scrunchie , shaking her hair loose and free . I inhaled sharply holding my breath momentarily , unable to speak . At that moment , all I could think of was ; My God , Elizabeth is so beautiful . . . . . . . . . When I recovered , I sat on the bed . I requested that Elizabeth her kneel down in front of me on some pillows . Elizabeth gave me a blowjob while I played with her silky long hair . After I achieved my orgasm , I kissed her cheek . " Elizabeth my dear , you are incredible . It will be my pleasure to be your surrogate husband . I will certainly return the favor to you later . . . with your permission of course . " " You are welcome to use the bathroom . Help yourself to anything you need . There are plenty of clean towels . You know what I mean , just make yourself at home . " Elizabeth picked up her things , and went into the bathroom closing the door . I walked over and put my ear on it . I heard Beth slide the shower curtain closed and then turn the water on . After ninety seconds Beth called out sarcastically . " I know you are standing by the door . Did you have to use all the hot water ? That 's no way for a husband to treat his wife . " I got dressed , made the bed and then put Bea 's dresses away in the closet . When I finished , Elizabeth was still in the bathroom . I knocked on the door and said , " Elizabeth . . . . Beth honey , there is a tee shirt for you on the bed . Would you fix your hair in a ponytail for me ? " Elizabeth didn 't answer . I went downstairs and outside to start up the grill , bringing out some steaks . Then I went back upstairs and straightened up the bathroom after Elizabeth went to her apartment . Then I went back outside to grill the steaks . About 15 minutes later Beth came outside . Beth was barefoot wearing my tee shirt over her bra and panties . Beth 's hair was fixed in a high ponytail . " You look cute with your hair up like that , Beth . As a matter of fact , you are the prettiest liberal Democrat I have ever met . Can we at least agree on that ? " Elizabeth stood there quietly watching me cook . Beth had a thoughtful look on her pretty face . After a few minutes , Elizabeth asked . May I ask you a question , Richard ? " " Of course you may , Beth , that is what husbands are for . " Why are you cooking , husband ? Because I 'm hungry , Beth , what about you ? " There are tomatoes and potato salad from the store in the fridge ? " You cleaned the bedroom and the bathroom . " Elizabeth commented . " And . " " But I thought that was my job as your wife to cook and clean ? " " I 've been married before , Beth . I know what it is like and I miss it . The deal was for a surrogate wife , not a slave . " May I ask you another question then ? " You sure can , Beth . " " Why did you shave off your mustache ? " " Oh , that ! " And I started laughing . . . remembering . " Months before I asked Bea to marry me , I grew a mustache and a beard trying to look older , more distinguished . Bea did not care for them . In fact Bea hated them . Bea had short hair in those days because her mother liked it that way and made Bea keep it short . I remained clean - shaven for Bea and she grew her hair long for me . Next , Beth asked What about the sex part ? " I paused a moment to think . . . . " Well , I 'm sorry about the handcuffs . I was way out of line and over reacted . You really caught me by surprise and I am funny about my wife 's things . " " I am sorry I slapped your . . . ah , bottom . But I have to tell you , Beth , as bottoms go yours is a perfect ten . I promise I won 't hit you again if that 's what you are worried about . Oral sex , I will leave that up to you . I won 't demand it , and I will be happy to return the favor . " " I am a man , Beth and you are a woman . . . no , make that a beautiful woman . " " Men have urges . . . needs . I have not been with a woman since my wife died . I mean in the bedroom . . . I 'm sure you know what I mean . I guess I just wasn 't ready . Until you came along , I had not even thought about being with another woman . They just don 't measure up to you . . . . well , maybe Margaret does . I have been thinking about you since I first saw you under the black walnut trees . " Maybe I 'm still not ready . I really don 't know , Beth . When I was married this used to be our house , now it 's just mine . " What I do know is that I caught you in my bedroom . With my wife 's things and sleeping in our bed . That 's the main thing in my mind . For the next few days , this house can be an " ours " home again . " " May I ask you a question , Beth ? Why were you there ? Can you answer that question ? " Do we still have a deal , Beth ? Perhaps you want out ? Just say so . I was out of line and I really can 't blame you . I apologize again for the handcuffs Beth . I 'm really not into that M & M thing . And I know that is not an excuse . I really don 't know what came over me . Yes I do know , I was angry , but I 'm not angry now . You may leave right now , although I wish you wouldn 't . My word is good . I 'll keep my part of the deal and not think anything less of you . Do you mind that I call you Beth , Elizabeth ? " Elizabeth angrily relied . " Yes , damn it ! And it is BDSM , Richard , not M & M . " Beth then turned and went back into the house , slamming the screen door . When the steaks were ready I brought them into the house and put them on the kitchen table . Beth had sliced the tomatoes and set out the potato salad . There was also homemade chocolate chip with walnut cookies ; the black walnuts were from my trees . Beth must have baked them in her apartment earlier in the day . Bea and I used to look forward to them every fall , putting aside enough bushels to last until next season . We always gave Margaret and Linda half a bushel each . I lost all interest in that after Bea died , as with most things until Beth entered my life . There would never be another Beatrice . But the table was set for two people as it used to be , and Elizabeth was here with me . Most importantly Beth answered one of my questions . Elizabeth was sitting at the table , waiting . " Elizabeth , the steaks are ready . " " One of them is rare and the other medium rare . If they are not to your taste I will put one back on the grill for you . " We ate a quiet dinner and I noticed Beth studying me and not saying anything . I told her where everything was and again encouraged her to look around . I made us a pot of fresh ground coffee and made a big fuss over the cookies . While Beth was doing the dishes and picking up the kitchen I went outside with my cell phone . I telephoned Linda . Linda was my wife 's best friend and her hairdresser . Linda 's ex - husband was a no good self - centered bastard . He was doing time in Clinton for rear - ending a motorcycle at a stop sign killing the rider . He was drunk at the time of the accident . While in prison , he refused to give Linda a divorce . I made a phone call to Clinton Prison . I talked to a Sergeant I went to the academy with . The next day Linda 's husband was given an attitude adjustment . Afterwards he graciously agreed to the divorce , signing the papers and mailing them back immediately upon receiving them . He was told never to go near Linda again in his lifetime . Linda vowed at the time to never to have anything to do with men again . However Linda 's current boyfriend , Sam is a great guy and thinks the world of her . Her ex - husband ruined Linda 's credit with his gambling and drinking and expensive toys . Fortunately for Linda , she had the foresight to secretly save money . It was in an account in Linda 's maiden name that her then husband knew nothing about . Linda planned to open her own Beauty Shop someday . I cosigned a loan for Linda to buy a building , becoming a silent partner . Linda used her savings to remodel . Linda now has 6 employees and paid off her loan early . Linda insisted that Beth would get all of her services pro bono . I made an appointment for Elizabeth on Saturday morning . The shop was closed two weeks for her employee 's vacations , but Linda agreed to open up just for us . I told Linda most of the story leaving out the sensitive parts . I explained ahead of time to exactly what I wanted done saying it would be a surprise for Elizabeth . Linda thought it would be fun . Linda first met Elizabeth when she came over " It is my bedtime , Elizabeth . I am going upstairs to read awhile . " Do what you normally do before bedtime . Eventually you will come upstairs . When you get there and if I am still awake I may want something . " I picked Beth up off of her feet and spun her around . " Richard , what are you doing , put me down ! Can 't you at least wait until I get up there ? " " We need to get something straight about your bottom , Beth . I misspoke , it is a perfect ten thousand ! " I kissed Beth on the lips before I put her down and then I went upstairs . In the morning I woke lying next to Elizabeth . My arm was around her waist and Beth was wearing a simple white silk nightgown . Beth was snuggled up close to me . I went downstairs and made coffee and returned with two cups . I then woke Beth up handing her one . Elizabeth sat in the bed with her legs folded underneath her , sipping her coffee . " I said that I might want something , Beth , and I got it . I woke up next to you didn 't I ? What could be better then that ? " I sat on the bed looking at Beth and wondering if she could swim . I would love to show Beth the small swimming hole I made for Bea in the creek . Elizabeth finished her coffee and as she got up , Beth touched my face . " I like you better without the mustache . " Then , Beth went into the bathroom and closed the door . " Elizabeth , honey , please don 't use all the hot water . " When it was my turn , I took the cold shower . After my shower I found Elizabeth downstairs in the den . Beth was wearing her terry cloth robe and had a towel around her damp hair . Beth had my wedding picture in her hand . " I was eighteen and Bea was sixteen when we eloped . There wasn 't anything that he could do about it as Bea was of legal age . I did ask Bea 's father 's permission to marry Bea in a their church . At that time , the man hated me . Bea 's father told me that I would never amount to anything . Bea 's father told me that he would never allow a longhaired , ponytail wearing godless heathen hippie to ever marry his daughter . " I have pictures and can prove it . I had to cut off my ponytail when I became a Correction Officer . You know the department has regulations for hair length for males , but not for women . " " You would look some much better if you grew it longer , Richard . Especially since you shaved off your mustache . Tell me more about the Bea 's father . " " You have never been my wife before , Elizabeth . And , well you know Beth . . . you are too . . . . beautiful and smart . Bea and I told each other everything . Beatrice was the only woman . . . Bea was , well . . . I mean the only woman I have ever known . " " Just Bea , I knew her since kindergarten . " " Did you have any boyfriends , Elizabeth ? " Quite few actually , when I was in high school , but none serious , except for my last one , Sean O ' Brien . I met Sean during my first semester in my Political Science Class at Notre Dame . We agreed about everything . I thought Sean was so sensitive , Richard , and a free spirit , joining all the environmental and worthy political causes on campus . There were no roots growing up under Sean 's feet . And Sean was very wealthy ; his family was old money . Sean took me to places I never could afford or even knew about . We went to the Bahamas on winter break for a week and had real French Champagne and Iranian Sevrvga Caviar every day there for breakfast . I was twitterpated with Sean . " You mean twitterpated , like Bambi was , Elizabeth ? I said , smiling . " I love that movie , Elizabeth . As a matter of fact , that was the first movie I ever saw in a theater . Margaret took me to see Bambi when I was eight . " " Why didn 't you go with your mother , Richard ? My mother took me to see my first movie when I was three . " My mother left when I was four years old , Elizabeth . It was just Dad and I along with various housekeepers until I was five , old enough to start school . Not that Dad treated me badly , but for the most part as I got older he just ignored me . Dad was always working and his job required him to work late most nights . That is all he did because that is how he coped for Mom leaving us . Which pretty much left me to fend for myself . When I was 8 years old , I so wanted to see that movie , but I didn 't have a ride in to town . I earned the money feeding Margaret 's chickens , gathering eggs and cleaning out the coop . Margaret was first married then . She and her husband Dan just bought the house across the road from us . Margaret couldn 't have children and she sort of unofficially adopted me . " Margaret had chickens ? " " Like you are doing now with your arms folded across your chest , Richard ? " Beth said , touching my face a second time and smiling . " You smell nice , like Aqua Velva . Are you wearing cologne for me ? " " Ah . . . yes I suppose so Elizabeth . I answered putting my hands in my pockets , embarrassed and enjoying it . " What ever happened to Sean , Elizabeth ? " " We were engaged to be married and Sean gave me a 3 - carat diamond engagement ring . My parents threw us a lavish engagement party , more than they could afford . All my family and friends were there . I come from a very large family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and Sean 's mother interfered . " It 's not right , Beth . I get the picture , the bastard . It sounds like Sean didn 't even have the sand to tell you himself . " " I never saw Sean again , Richard . His mother called my mother from Boston on the telephone to break off the engagement . Sean 's mother , Mrs . O ' Brien was brutal and right to the point . Mrs . O ' Brien said no son of hers was ever going to marry a lower middle class polock and a Catholic to boot . My cousin Stanislaus didn 't like Sean from the start , and tried to drive to Sean 's parent 's mansion in Boston . He said he was going to give Sean a piece of his mind , followed by a piece of his right fist and then his left fist , plus both feet . Fortunately for Sean , Stanislaus 's 1965 Harley panhead broke down half way there and our father 's were able to stop him in time . Stanislaus was more like a brother to me then a cousin ; we are the same age . All my boyfriends from high school were afraid of him , and so they should have been . Stanislaus liked to fight and was good at it . He wouldn 't back down to anybody and spent more time in detention then he did in class . God help any of them that didn 't treat me with respect ; they answered to him . I surprised Beth by styling her long brown hair in a six - strand braid , showing off . " You look lovely with your hair that way , Elizabeth . Would you please go to your apartment and pick out a nice dress ? I have plans for us afterwards " Beth returned in a pale yellow summer dress with 3 / 4 length sleeves . It was light muslin cotton material and was soft as the petals of a daffodil and it came down to her knees . Beth was wearing sandals and her makeup was lightly applied and perfect . Beth turned to model the dress for me , the soft light material moved like a pale yellow cloud with her as she turned . " I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o ' er vales and hills , when all at once I saw a crowd , a host of golden daffodils beside the lake , beneath the trees , fluttering and dancing in the breeze ; Continuous as the stars that shine and twinkle on the milky way . . . and there she was standing , my beautiful Beth in a yellow summer dress . " William Wordsworth never said , " there she was standing , my beautiful Beth in a yellow summer dress " . Beth said , smiling and obviously pleasantly surprised . The next line to the poem is ; " they stretched in a never - ending line along the margin of a bay : ten thousand saw I at a glance , tossing their heads in a sprightly dance . " " You are right , Elizabeth , but I like my version better . " And then I kissed her cheek , offering Beth my arm . " Richard , what happened to your father ? You never talk about him , is he deceased ? " " He packed up and left , no warning , no nothing . I was sixteen years old and was never much at home anyway . After school I worked any odd jobs that I could find . I was saving my money to marry Bea . " I have no idea what happened to Dad , and have not heard from him since . As for my mother , I don 't remember her at all . I loved my father , Elizabeth , and I am sure in his own way he loved me too . Dad taught me three important things . If you can 't pay cash , don 't buy it because you can 't afford it . If the playing field isn 't level , don 't whine , do something about it . Never back down or be scared away if you are in the right or feel strongly about someone or something . I walked over to my desk and removed the watch from the stand under the glass dome and the yellowed page torn from a book folded underneath the wood base . " Before he went , Dad left me my Great - Grandfather 's 19 - jewel Elgin pocket watch , and handed it to her . I also unfolded and let Beth read the poem from Edmund Vance Cooke ( 1866 - 1932 ) " How Did You Die " We had breakfast together at a local restaurant , famous for their sourdough pancakes I sat next to Beth and stroked her braid telling her not to be nervous about her haircut . And Beth let me , sitting closer and opening up some more about her self . I found out that Beth never dated much after Sean dumped her . As a matter of fact , I was the only man Beth had even spent the night with since college . Finally , in all the time that Beth was with Sean , and even after he gave her the engagement ring , Sean never once told Beth that he loved her . After a wonderful breakfast we drove to Linda 's to keep Beth 's appointment . When we got there , Linda greeted us warmly , locking the door and closing the shades . " We are closed this week for vacations . " Linda explained . " I opened up especially for you , Elizabeth . I am glad that after all this time you decided to come to me for your hair . Richard told me that you wanted your hair cut a little shorter . But not too short , and made the appointment , Just leave it up to me dear . " Elizabeth looked at me and smiled sweetly . Beth then said . Yes , Ricky is so thoughtful . " Linda turned and gave me a look , and then smiled . Elizabeth then went to sit at the manicure station . Linda removed the remaining color , filed , and buffed Elizabeth 's nails finishing with a coat of clear nail polish . When this was done , Linda had Elizabeth go to the chair at the cutting station . " Did Richard braid your hair for you ? " " I thought I recognized his work . Beatrice only came here for trims . When he retires , Richard is going to come and work for me . Right , Ricky ? " Linda added teasing me . They both had a good laugh at my expense . Linda took Beth 's hair out of the six - strand and redid it in a simple three - strand braid . Linda then placed a second rubber band on Elizabeth 's braid and handed me the scissors . " Would you like to do the honors , Richard ? Cut just above the second rubber band . " " Sure , thanks , Linda . " Leaning over I kissed Beth 's cheek and whispered . " Remember , you agreed to this Elizabeth . " I will never forget the feel and sound of the scissors while I cut off Elizabeth 's thick braid . Or the look on Beth 's face when I held it in front of her like I just won a blue ribbon at the fair . Now it was Linda 's turn to finish the final cut . Linda had Elizabeth get up and sit down at the shampoo station . Linda washed and conditioned Elizabeth 's hair . Then they returned to the cutting station for a comb out . Elizabeth 's hair had gone from waist length to four inches below her shoulder blades . It looked thicker and fuller then ever . " Elizabeth , I am going to cut off another inch to even up the bottom . I will cut it straight across like you had it , but will I layer the bottom slightly so it curls under naturally . " When Linda was done , Elizabeth 's hair fell three inches past the bottom of her shoulders blades . Linda took me to one side and said . " I have and idea and want to do something special for Elizabeth . I 'm going to curl it first . " Linda combed a light setting lotion in Beth 's hair and then rolled it up in , long , round curlers . While Beth was under the dryer , Linda brought out homemade pound cake and coffee . Linda makes the best pound cake in the world , just as Beth makes the best cookies , and I told them so . Soon the timer on the dryer went off . Linda removed the curlers from Beth 's hair and arranged the curls . Long sausage curls now kissed Beth 's shoulders and caressed her back , framing Beth 's beautiful face . Pulling the curls away from Beth 's face Linda pinned them up on the back of Beth 's head . Linda fussed with Beth 's curls until the curls fell just to the nape of her neck . Before we left , Linda presented me with Beth 's cut off braid secured with a ribbon . When we got to the truck I tied the braid to my rear view mirror . " You look absolutely elegant , Elizabeth . I am the luckiest husband in the whole world . With the most beautiful wife as well . " We decided that we could hit some of the large shopping malls in the area and spend the day . It was gratifying to see all the admiring glances from the men that walked past us . Particularly since Beth was with me , if only for the weekend . We spent the afternoon window shopping and attending a couple of movies in the cinemas in between window - shopping . I proposed that we each select a movie or movies but not mention them out loud , but instead write them down on a piece of paper . We drew the folded papers out of Beth 's purse . Beth won both times , which was fine with me . I was good during the movies and kept my hands out of Beth 's curls . I was content to just hold her hand . I saw something in a jewelry store window between movies that caught my eye . During the second movie , I pretended to get up to use the restroom . I left the theater and just about ran to the jewelry store to buy it . When I got there , I stopped to admire my soon to be purchase again through the plate glass window . It had to be the lighting , or a reflection , or something , but it wasn 't . My beautiful Beatrice 's reflection was looking back at me in the glass , and Bea smiling and nodding her head in approval . I could smell Bea 's perfume . Bea , I whispered as Bea reached up to blow me a kiss . . . and then she was gone . I kissed my fingers and put them up to the glass where I saw Bea 's face . When we were in elementary school Bea rode the bus . I would always walk Bea to her designated bus . I would help Bea to her window seat . I wasn 't allowed to stay with Bea on the bus , waiting it until it left . I always stood outside and waited with her . When the bus pulled away , Bea would blow me kisses through the window . Boys didn 't blow kisses unless they were sissies . I would kiss my fingers and put them on the bus window near Bea 's face . Then I would leave to work my various after school jobs . We stopped on the way home and I bought a case of oil and oil filter for my truck . As an afterthought , I went back and bought a filter for Beth 's Ford as well . We had dinner in a fine sit - down Chinese restaurant at Beth 's suggestion . To make Beth happy , I attempted to eat with chopsticks and made a fool of myself . Beth could pick up a single grain of rice . We spent the remainder of the evening under the walnut trees , and talked about everything but politics . At bedtime Elizabeth came to bed wearing her silk nightgown . Beth took her hair down and shook her head without me asking . When Beth got on the bed , I buried my hands in her hair caressing all those luscious curls . I put silk sheets on the bed for Beth and she didn 't fail to notice . Beth ran her hands along the sheets enjoying the luxurious smooth texture . Then Beth pulled the nightgown over her head and she was wearing nothing underneath . I was very gentle with Beth , holding her as if she was a fine porcelain doll . I kissed Beth 's mouth many times , those sweet inviting lips . Those lips I wanted to kiss the first day I met her . Softly and lightly to start , followed by her cheeks , then the base of her throat and the sides of her neck . I kissed the lobs of her small precious ears and behind them , lifting her hair and blowing softly . I watched Beth shudder with pleasure as the goose bumps raised on her slim arms . My need for Beth was great and my heart was pounding in my chest with desire for her . But I held back my urgent need , as I did the first time I made love to Beatrice . We lay on the sheets facing one another and I kissed Beth 's mouth long and deep . I ran my hands lightly down Beth 's back my fingers caressing , touching and probing and lingering . I could sense , and feel and smell Beth 's need as well and feel her wetness , the maddening musky smell of her wetness . I rubbed and lightly squeezed the round firmness of her marvelous ass cheeks . Beth returned my kisses and pulled me to her so that my rock hard penis was pushing up against her . " I am not going to break , sweetheart and I want you to hold me closer . " Beth said , kissing me and pushing her little tongue in my mouth in search of mine . I buried my hands in Beth 's curls , returning her sweet kisses . Beth then pushed me onto my back and straddled me , impaling herself on my rock hard cock . Beth leaned back with her back straight , Beth 's hair falling forward in her face , neck and breasts . I reached up and caressed and stroked her firm round breasts as Beth rode me , her eyes closed in ecstasy . This was new to me , a woman on top and I liked it . I lay back and enjoyed the view . I moved along with Beth , matching her rhythm , and thrusting upward , while helping to support her weight . My beautiful Beth was a light as a feather , or so it seemed at the time . I waited for Beth 's orgasm . Beth 's little hand was covering her mouth to muffle her screams , as Beth 's orgasm washed over her . This gesture was so precious to me , my Beth , always the lady . I could not hold mine any longer as I held her waist and pounded her . Beth 's hands were in her long hair , holding it out of her face , smiling and watching me as I came in her sweet little cunt . Beth collapsed on top of me kissing my mouth and stroking my very short , cropped hair . I held Beth for a time , she on top , my arms around her waist and bottom and Beth still as light as a feather . Exhausted , we fell asleep and woke up that way in the morning , and made love over again . Beth asked if we could just hang around the house and I agreed . I got a cold shower again and didn 't care while Beth made me a delicious western omelet , substituting jalapeno cheese for cheddar . We went outside to putter around the house , as if we were an old married couple . Beth watered the garden and I changed the oil in my truck . I was underneath Beth 's Ford removing the old filter when the wrench slipped from my hand . The filter hit my nose and covered my face and neck with dirty motor oil . I crawled out from under her Ford swearing a blue streak . I banged my head on the bottom of the bumper on the way out . Beth was standing by waiting to add the oil as soon as the new filter was in place . Elizabeth had her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing . I just glared at her with my arms folded . " I suppose you think this is funny . Sorry for the bad language , you didn 't need to hear that " Beth composed herself and stood there smiling . Beth 's eyes were shining with mirth . I took my white tee shirt off and wiped my face with it . Beth just lost it and laughed hysterically . Being alone with Beth and hearing her laugh stirred more feelings in me that I hadn 't had since Bea died . I laughed along with Elizabeth , picking Beth up and kissing her . I put her in the back seat of the Ford sedan , and then pulled up her gingham print summer dress and removed her panties . I went down on Beth , licking and probing with my tongue , making her moan with pleasure . Beth had her feet up in the air and was bracing her little bare feet against the roof of the car . My little lady 's hand was over her mouth , so precious , so ladylike . . . my God how I loved her . We heard a car pulling up the driveways and we both sat up . . . it was Margaret ! " I stood up and started walking toward her and Margaret drove right past me and parked next to Beth 's car . Margaret got out of her convertible and was grinning ear to ear . " What happened to you , Ricky ? " Why is there dirty oil all over your face and hair and where is Elizabeth Susan ? " Margaret asked , knowingly . " Did you two loose something in Elizabeth 's back seat ? " I 'm right here , Margaret , I found the ice scraper , Richard . Thank you for helping me look ? Beth said , holding up the ice scraper as evidence and getting out of her car . " Elizabeth Susan ! " Margaret exclaimed . " Why do you need an ice scraper in August . Is it the heat , or are you blushing , Elizabeth Susan . Beth didn 't answer . . . . . . . . . . . . " Well , never mind , I have all the fixings for vanilla ice cream this time and would love some mint iced tea . Richard can finish changing the oil , and you can go in the house and get out of the heat . He really should get his central air fixed . " " I don 't know , Beth , why are you whispering . I 'll get the bowls down . " I got a slap on the ass and a hug as I was reaching for the bowls . On Sunday evening as Beth and I were sitting in the kitchen having tea and the rest of her cookies . " Elizabeth , in fifteen minutes our deal is up . You met your obligation with dignity and grace . I offered you an out and you didn 't take it . You kept your word . I handed Beth a large manila envelope . " This is for you . " Beth accepted the envelope and opened it without comment . Beth sat there looking at me with that funny look on her cute face again . At 12 : 30 AM , Beth got up from the table and started to walk out and just reached the back door . Spinning around , Beth returned and stood in front of me . And then Beth slapped my right cheek , hard and then stormed out of there , slamming the door . Inside the envelope was a receipt for her rent paid in full until the end of December . What the hell did I do wrong ! I went to bed alone that night I did not sleep well at all . . . stupid , stupid . . . STUPID , I am so stupid . Beth was gone before I went to work Monday , the same for Tuesday . On Wednesday evening I was sitting underneath the trees , waiting for Beth , when Margaret pulled up in her convertible . Margaret looked angry . The first thing that Margaret said to me was . " Richard ! Are you out of your Goddamn mind ? You put handcuffs on Elizabeth ? I taught to better then that ! " I knew I was in trouble when Margaret called me Richard . If I had a middle name , that would have followed " Richard ! " Margaret blasted me like I was ten years old again When Margaret reprimanded me in no uncertain terms for climbing up on the water tower with my binoculars . I didn 't think it was a big deal at the time , however I knew enough to keep my mouth shut and agree with Margaret . I was not allowed to watch television for one month . Margaret made me promise not to do that ever again , and I never did keeping my word to her . And then Margaret hugged me , kissing my face and she was shaking and crying , calling me her poor sweet boy . Margaret told me that Elizabeth had not had money for the rent because of the Comptrollers Office Albany . They had issued the wrong tracking number on more then one occasion . Elizabeth switched from a Buffalo bank to the local credit union , therefore no rent check . " Did it ever occur to you dummy , that Elizabeth liked you , perhaps even more then liked you ? " Elizabeth was crying when she drove to my house to see me . So the lady looked at some dresses , big deal , Elizabeth was just curious . " " I know you are smitten with her . " I thought to myself . . . smitten , now there is a word I have not heard in a long time . Of course I was , I loved Beth . I was thinking how Beth cuddled up to me in bed , and the goose bumps . And how Beth would stand with his hands on her hips and giving her head a little toss , and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Will you please wipe that goofy smile off of your face . Are you listening to me . . . that 's better ? You look at Elizabeth like you always looked at Beatrice . I can tell by the way you look at Elizabeth and talk about her . You gave Elizabeth the keys to your house for God sakes . What was the poor girl supposed too think , you big dummy ? Do I have to draw you a map ? " " I told Elizabeth to surprise you , since obviously you were not going to make the first move . Then you go put handcuffs on her . " Your wife is dead , Richard . Like it or not , life goes on " . " You do not have a bedroom closet . You have a shrine . " " You are right about everything , Margaret . Bea would have wanted me to move on . " I said , my voice starting to break . Margaret 's tone softened and then she hugged me . Margaret hugged like she did when I was eight years and I was crying in the theatre when Bambi 's mother was killed . " It wasn 't that you big dummy . . . honestly Ricky ? " Margaret said kindly . " If you love the girl , and there is no doubt in my mind that you do , then just come out and say it . God knows you are like a son to me , Ricky . You can try the patience and best efforts of all the angels in heaven . . . . and Elizabeth can as well . " " I have some cardboard boxes in the car . I was hoping that you would finally come to your senses . Now let 's go upstairs and clean out the closet and dressers . It 's time to put things to rest " . Margaret left with boxes of cloths , shoes and cosmetics , but of course leaving behind Bea 's jewelry . When Margaret wasn 't looking I took Bea 's bottle of perfume and put it in my pocket . The last thing Margaret said to me was . " Give Elizabeth some time , I 'm sure that she will come around eventually . " It was the middle of December . I watched Elizabeth come and go . We were polite to each other as if we had just met or were cautiously starting over . I resigned myself to the fact that I might never have her . In January , Beth brought me the rent check on the first day of the month . Margaret was right , I just had to give Beth time . Beth was making the first move again because I was such a big dummy . Beth 's had fixed her hair for me exactly like it was when we left Linda 's . I was sure that Beth knew how I felt about her . I decided to be a gentleman and take it slow . I invited Elizabeth in my kitchen for coffee and pound cake . " You look lovely , Elizabeth . Would you like to come in and have coffee and a piece of Linda 's pound cake ? " Beth came and sat down in the kitchen and I ground the beans getting them ready for the pot . While I was filling the pot with water , Beth was filling out the rent check and signing it . Soon the coffee was ready and I brought us both a cup . " Is there something that you want to tell me , Richard ? " Beth asked , leaning forward and taking my hands in hers . " No , nothing special , Elizabeth . Well as a matter of fact there is . I know the reason why you were late with the rent . It wasn 't your fault . Would you like butter or jam for your pound cake ? " " Thank You , but no , I 'll just have coffee . I have to save room for dinner . Stanley will be here in about an hour , to pick me up . " " I was thinking more in the line of private lessons , Beth . " " Will you look at the time ? " Beth exclaimed . I didn 't realize how late it was . Do you mind if I take my coffee with me ? Thank you , you 're such a dear . " After Beth left , I sat there for about 10 minutes , letting things sink in . You big dummy you , why didn 't you tell her , I thought , stupid . . . stupid and STUPID ! ! ! ! Looking down at my spilled coffee , I noticed that my hand was bleeding . Somehow , I managed to pull the handle off of my coffee cup . Stanley was ten minutes early . Instead of getting out of his vehicle and waiting for Beth , the idiot was honking the horn . I just happened to have my red plaid Woolrich hunting coat on and my green insulated rubber boots , and was outside shoveling snow . I walked up to the car with a snow shovel and said . " What the hell do you think you are doing , Pal ? " " I have a date with Beth . " As soon as Stanley called my Beth , Beth , I wanted to punch the bastard in the mouth . " Who the hell are you , Buddy ? " What business is it of yours ? " Stanley asked . " Ms . Adamczyk is a Lady , Pal . The proper way to treat a Lady like Ms . Adamczyk is to meet her at her door . Next to escort the said Lady , Ms . Adamczyk to your vehicle and help Ms . Adamczyk in . That is what a gentleman would do , Pal , not sit in the driveway honking , manner less and clueless like an ignorant oaf . " Who do you think are you , Beth 's father or something ? " Stanley said , trying to pull the door shut with the inside door handle . That not working , Stanley tried pulling on the top of the doorframe to get leverage , perfect . I pulled Stanley out of his car , not an easy thing to do . Stanley was a big , strong , son of a bitch . We were grappling in the snow - covered driveway each trying to get the advantage . I managed with some effort to put him in a wristlock , applying pressure and getting him up on his toes . . . . " I said Ms . Adamczyk is a Lady . " If you do or say anything to upset her , I 'll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . As bad luck was mine lately , Elizabeth came walking out of the house . I let him go of Stanley , taking a step back . Stanley immediately rushed to Elizabeth , taking her arm and escorted Beth to the car . " I would have met you at the door , Beth , but your landlord waylaid me in the driveway . I was trying to get out and my foot slipped on the icy floor mat . I must have accidentally hit the horn . Your landlord came charging up to me like some kind of a nut case making crazy accusations . Stanley continued , as he helped Elizabeth in and was about to close the passenger door , when . " Richard ! " I picked up the snow shovel and walked over to where Beth was sitting . " I would appreciate it if from now on if you not bother Stanley or any of my gentlemen friends . " My rent is paid in full and I will date anyone I like . " " Elizabeth I , I . . . " The bastard closed the door before I could finish , smiling at me as he walked by and said . " See you later , Rickey Stanley was still smiling at me as he got in on his side and closed the door . Elizabeth leaned over and kissed him on the cheek . They then drove away leaving me speechless . I had a death grip on the snow shovel , my knuckles turning white . What good would it do now to tell Beth that I loved her ? Beth had already had found someone else . Or maybe she was trying to make me jealous . Beth was so damn stubborn ! The hell with her then ! I waited up for Elizabeth to make sure Stanley walked Beth to the door when he brought her home . Stanley brought Beth back after midnight , helping her out of his car . He even walked Beth to the door and Elizabeth kissed his cheek again , and then he kissed Beth 's cheek . Stanley paused at his car looking at my house , smiling still . And then Stanley got in his car , beeping the horn once when he reached the end of the driveway . For the next two months Elizabeth was hardly ever at home nights . I always waited up by the window to see that Beth made it home safe . Every Friday Stanley would pick her up . The perfect gentleman now , Stanley always brought Beth flowers . The bastard probably knew somebody who worked in a funeral home or cemetery . On the last Friday in February , Stanley spent the night with Elizabeth . In mid - March , Margaret told me that things were getting serious between Elizabeth and Stanley . Margaret was very fond of Elizabeth and only wanted the best for her . Margaret and Elizabeth were quite close now , both attending a Christian Women 's Knitting circle on Tuesdays . I could tell Margaret wanted to ask me something and finally Margaret did . " Ricky , would you be upset with me if I were Elizabeth 's Matron of Honor . " That 's if Elizabeth asks me of course , and I am pretty sure that she shall . I choked the words out . . . thinking , first Bea and now Beth . " Of course not , Margaret . " Margaret was wrong . I was not taking it well . Nothing was turning out for the best . " Where is Elizabeth now , Margaret ? " I said forcing a smile . " I want to congratulate Elizabeth and wish her luck . " I was lying . " Elizabeth is back in the Cheektowaga staying with some cousins for the weekend . They are going to throw Elizabeth a little party this evening to celebrate her upcoming engagement . " Margaret gave me the street address in Cheektowaga , NY , a large town just west of Buffalo . The party was to be held at the Polish Falcons Nest , a social club , in a predominately Polish neighborhood . I had no trouble finding it for all the cars parked outside . I could faintly hear the Oberek Polka playing inside and people laughing and a having good time . My heart was breaking . Was I to late ? I knocked on the door and was let in by two very large men . The place was packed with people . Was this Margaret 's idea of a little party ? They immediately handed me a bottle of Zywiec beer and a shot glass of Krupnik vodka . They insisted that I drink to the health of their cousin Elizabeth & her fiancé to be . What else could I do ? I raised my shot glass , " To Elizabeth and her true love , may they never be apart . " I threw down the shot of Krupnik and quickly downed the beer . Another man joined us and handed me another bottle of Zywic and another shot glass of Krupnik vodka . We went through another round of toasts , each cousin toasting the health of Elizabeth and her fiancé . I finally got away from them , or so I thought , working my way quietly through all the people . The place was packed with men , women and children , no doubt Elizabeth 's family and friends . All good , solid , working class people having a well deserved good time . I could see Elizabeth and Stanley sitting together from across the room . Margaret was sitting there with Linda on her right , and Elizabeth to the left . Beth 's hair was styled exactly like it was on the day we left Linda 's Salon . Elizabeth was wearing the same yellow pale dress that moved with her like a cloud . Beth was so beautiful and looked so happy sitting there . I started walking toward Beth to tell her how I felt . Maybe there was still a chance for us . I almost made it to the table when the music stopped . People were gathering behind me on the dance floor as if waiting for some kind of announcement . Those three large men were now standing next to me and behind me . If need be I might be able to knock at least one of them out , so I had a chance to tell Beth that I loved her . Before the other two beat me senseless . The happy couple stood up and everyone raised their glasses . I took the pin out of my pocket . The pin that I bought for Beth on the day I snuck out of the movie theatre . It was a cluster of leaves . . . . the leaves from the oak tree . The reason it caught my eye , was because the leaves fanned out like a bouquet . Like the bouquet Beth had in her hand when I first saw her under my walnut trees . Set with numerous small vibrant semi - precious stones : yellows , oranges and reds in 18 - karat gold . There was one green stone that I had the jeweler place there , not original to the piece . The pin was not ready the Sunday evening when Beth left me . " Richard , I knew you would show up and disrupt things . Said , Elizabeth . Linda , you were absolutely right about him . " Linda just nodded and smiled . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing , what I was seeing . Linda , betraying me ? " It is a good thing that we took precautions . " Margaret said , nodding and smiling as well . " How could I what , dear ? " " You were saying , Richard ? " Margaret asked . Ignoring my betrayers . " Elizabeth , you have to understand something ! " I am not that stubborn green leaf that I was before I met you . Beth . . . I " " Beth , I bought you this pin . I sneaked out of the theatre . Do you remember , Beth ? I said that I was going to the Men 's Room and then I took a long time . " I saw you standing under my walnut trees with a bouquet of leaves before I showed you your apartment . Red ones , and yellow ones and orange leaves ; you looked so beautiful then , Beth . You look so beautiful now . I was a green leaf then and you helped me change The green stone was to remind . . . " I was about to say us , but there was no us , just Elizabeth and Stanley . " Will you at least accept my present , Beth ? " Elizabeth walked over to me and I handed Beth a red , heart shaped Swarovski Crystal Box . When Beth opened it , she took a deep breath before taking the pin out . " I 'm sorry that it was ready on our last day together , Beth . " ' I should have gave it to you then . I should have told you then that I . . . " Stanley stepped in front of me , interrupting again . " Well , Pal , it looks like the better man . . . . I broke away and knocked Stanley down . Beth 's cousins were right behind me and quickly tackled me to the floor . They picked me up and stood me on my feel holding me in a death grip . There was no way I was breaking loose now . But I was going to be damned if I was not going to put up a fight for her . I didn 't care if I was about to be pummeled . I was going to tell Beth that I loved before they carried me out , unconscious . " Richard , that is enough ! " Followed by . " Stanley , are you hurt ? " " This thing has gone far enough ! Elizabeth exclaimed . Stanley got up from the floor smiling . I thought for sure I was going to get as good as I gave him . I couldn 't blame the bastard if he did , I did having it coming . Stanley just stood in front of me with a big smile on his face . He must be some kind of a nut case or liberal pacifist . I would have clobbered me . I could see the start of a bruise , a black eye starting to form around Stanley 's right eye . Stanley walked over to the microphone stand and turned the microphone on . " I have an announcement to make . Will everyone please settle down ? " Things got very quiet . " Elizabeth ! " I shouted trying to break free . I stepped forward , once , twice dragging Beth 's cousins along with me . " You can 't marry him , Elizabeth ! " " Thank you for the beautiful pin , Richard Beth said , pinning it on her dress . Give me one good reason why I shouldn 't . " Because I love you , Elizabeth Susan Adamczyk . Beth 's cousins let go of me . They took a few steps backward , and I was thinking ; " Now I 'm going to get it . " I turned to face them , my feet planted , ready to fight . I could hear a young girl somewhere in the crowd ask . " Did he tell her yet , Mommy ? Then I shouted . " I love you Elizabeth Susan Adamczyk ! " Finally , beating Stanley to the verbal punch for once and interrupting him for a change . Elizabeth put her arms around my waist and whispered in my ear . I could feel Beth 's sweet breath on my face . " I love it when you call me , Beth , sweetheart . " " I told you Elizabeth . " A familiar voice said quietly behind us . " I told you that you couldn 't keep Richard away . I couldn 't keep him away from Beatrice even when I pointed a shotgun at him . " I still have to make to make an announcement . " Stanley said over the microphone . " Richard loves my cousin , Elizabeth . " I could see Margaret and Linda sitting at the table hugging one another and crying . I should have known better . This big , happy dummy had been had . . . and big time . " Your cousin , Beth ? You . . . I . . . them . . . he , but . . . ? " Was all that I was able to stutter . " Never mind , sweetheart ? " " Who would have thought that a Conservative like you would ever been at a loss for words ? " This is so romantic . I just wanted to hear you say it . " Just wait until I get you home , Beth . " I whispered . " I want to introduce you around to my family . . . now that we are engaged . A ring would have been nice , but I love this beautiful pin so much better then any old diamond ring . And this party is for us after all . " Beth said , touching my face . " My cousin Stanislaus and Margaret are paying for everything . " " All of this is so wonderful , Beth Perhaps now I will finally have a church wedding . " I said , wiping the happy tears from Beth 's face . " I can 't wait to finally meet your cousin Stanislaus , Beth , and thank him , Margaret too . I said looking for Stanislaus to step forward . " Don 't worry , Stanley isn 't angry , he likes you , sweetheart . Stanley will be performing our marriage ceremony . Isn 't that wonderful ! " " Is Stanley a minister ? " I asked . " Well it 's not like we didn 't try . My cousin 's assured me they could handle you . Stanley was having such a good time playing the heavy . I guess that he got carried away . Stanley was bound and determined not to like you at first . I had no idea that you would pull him out of the car like that . Margaret wasn 't surprised at all when I told her . When you confronted Stanley in the driveway and pulled him out of the car , he changed his mind immediately . " Elizabeth raised our handcuffed arms above our heads and shouted . " I want everyone here to meet my true love , Richard Adams ! I won 't ever let him get away from me a second time ! " And then Beth 's family and friends descended upon us offering us their congratulations . |
On Saturday , June 19 , 2010 , around 4 : 00 - 4 : 30 PM , I was sleeping at the computer with the radio off . I dreamed I was waiting for the Yahoo email page to update itself , as the computer was running really slow and near the end of its resources ( as it was in real life before I fell asleep ) , and after a while a hand came from around the computer screen and was pointing at where I had been moving the cursor , though it was now off more to the side . The hand seemed to be saying it knew what I had been doing and maybe even suggesting I move the cursor over there again . I wondered how it could know what I was doing . I think I had just been moving my own hand over there on the screen , looking at some items in the list , pointing at them with my fingers . How could the computer know what I had been doing with my hand ? With the mouse pointer I could understand , but my hand was not part of the computer . Then I swiveled my chest around to the right so I was facing toward the street and the computer on the other desk / table ( I had two computers in the dream ) , and was looking at that one . It also had my email list on the screen , with some items cheeked , for possible deletion . I had forgotten that I had it on and the email on the screen on that one too . It had apparently been on since yesterday , tying up the phone line . I had forgotten all about it . I looked at the email there for a while , including moving the mouse to hover over the addresses and subjects , to cause them to expand into little windows , so I could see what they really were . I didn 't want to actually do anything to it on this computer now , though , since I was also in the email on the other computer , and it would probably confuse the system , with undesirable results . It seems something odd was happening there too , something strange , but I don 't remember what . I went back to the first computer and started working there again , maybe calling up something else instead of the email , I 'm not sure . After a while the hand came around the screen again . I moved my head back , staring at it . It seemed confusing . Could it be my hand ? No , there were three hands . I finally grabbed it and was pulling on it . After a bit of a struggle I pulled a short skinny man out from behind the computer , maybe five to five and a half feet tall , hippie looking , long brown hair parted in the middle and a short beard . He walked quickly out of the room , looking a little scared . I wondered if I should have held onto to him , should maybe go after him and try to catch him , but it seemed too much trouble . I was too tired , could hardly keep my eyes open . I woke up then , and things were normal . When I closed my eyes a little while later though , I could see , on a background of lesser red , a ball of red particles , not large , turning and swirling , dense in the middle and with wider spaced particles circling it . It seemed almost like some kind of fireworks display . I watched it for a while , sometimes opening my eyes and closing them again , then went back to fiddling with the slow computer . On Monday , June 14 , 2010 , around 4 : 15 - 7 : 00 PM , I dreamed I was with my mother . I had just picked her up somewhere . We were either in a very small room , cramped with things , or in the car , still cramped with things around us , though not much between us . We were separated by a little space , two or three feet , like she was in the passenger seat and I was in the driver 's seat , though we could also have been sitting somewhere inside a small room as I said . I was going to take her somewhere , back to the house maybe . She looked younger than she does now , maybe in her fifties , maybe even forties . It was daytime , maybe early afternoon . I was smiling , happy . I asked if she had seen it , on TV , when I had won . She had something she had tried that hadn 't won . I hadn 't expected her to win , I knew it was a waste of time , but it was something she wanted to do , something she wanted to try . She talked some about her attempt to win , but she wouldn 't say anything about mine , and I kept repeating it . I knew that I had won , was absolutely sure of it . I had a lot of money now , or would soon . I finally realized that she hadn 't seen it , that it hadn 't been on TV , and that I hadn 't won either . I said something about it , getting quieter and trailing off a bit , looking less happy and more thoughtful . I was puzzled . I couldn 't understand it , I was supposed to win , it had been fated that I should win . I thought about it to myself . I couldn 't understand it , something must have gone wrong , but what could have happened ? Had I just been fooling myself , and was no more likely to win than she had been ? She said , quietly , gently , not to worry , I would have a lot of other things , it was my birthday and they were going to give me presents and have a birthday dinner . We went home , and I lay in bed for a while . My sister came in and I talked to her for a while , until my mother and father came back . They talked a bit about what they had planned for me , the dinner and the presents they were going to give me . It was getting late afternoon now , and it wouldn 't be long before it happened . On Saturday , June 12 , 2010 , around 6 : 30 - 9 : 30 PM , I dreamed I was at home with my mother , who looked younger , maybe in her forties or fifties , but sometimes I went to the south , across a series of brown dirt mountain ridges , steep but not very tall . Sometimes there were more mountain ridges than at other times . I was going to a place associated with work , the work in Nevada , something to do with secret stuff I think and testing things , and maybe to some extent with bombing from planes . It all took place in a valley between the ridges , at least most of it . The valley was just a narrow crevice between the ridges , as the other valleys between the ridges were . Then , at home , I was in my bedroom with my mother , talking to her . It was in the afternoon I think , Saturday or Sunday . Going to the window and pulling the curtains aside a bit , I saw outside a tall , black , funnel - shaped cloud not far away , to the north , and heading this way . It was coming fast . I told my mother about it and went back and looked out the window again at it . It was here already , things were falling down on the house in front of the window . I heard the impacts , mostly ash and cinders and things like clumps of gray - white burned charcoal almost the size of my fist . My mother was trying to contact somebody about it , using a little device like an iPod in appearance . I tried to use a similar thing . I think the radio in the room had been on too . She got somebody but then lost the connection , and was saying something like , " Ohhhhh , they 're gone , I 've lost the connection , " in an irritated manner . I had managed to get somebody on my device , and I wondered if I had interfered with her device , that they used the same phone connection and it wasn 't able to keep them both going at once . The radio in the room was on a separate connection , the original phone connection , but the little device used a second one that was somehow set up . Then my connection was gone and hers was back . The people she was talking to said they didn 't have any records of what she was reporting , and so far no one else was reporting it , and gave other possible explanations , ones that didn 't really make any sense , and sounded really patronizing . I suggested that maybe she should contact a TV station , that maybe they would have heard some reports . Considering the situation , since the people had said there were no reports , it seemed likely that the source of it might be very close , in the neighborhood , maybe no more than a few streets over , or even the next street over . I tried to go out and find out more about it , and I went back over the mountain ridges to where I had been , in the very narrow valley , and it was starting to go over the ridge to it , but paused at the top of the ridge for a while , sometimes going partly down the side of the mountain and then retreating and going back up . A plane flew low over it and slightly between the ridges , above me , checking on it apparently , and it seemed the dark funnel cloud might be part of some test that was being done , somewhere over in the next narrow valley to the north , a valley that I had passed over to get here . It seemed confusing , though . I didn 't know how the dark cloud could have passed over my house that way , if it had originated out here , well to the south of it , and it was going south as it passed over the house . On Tuesday , June 8 , 2010 , around 10 : 00 AM - 1 : 00 PM , I dreamed it was night , and I was driving along , though I think sometimes I was also walking . I was going to the far east side of the Phoenix area , deep into Mesa or Chandler probably , through a residential area on a major road . I think that someone else was with me , maybe in a different car . I believe I went through this area more than once in the dream . Going back and forth , I eventually centered on and went to a house that had a long narrow raised bridge to the mailbox at the sidewalk , just a footpath . I walked up to the house with my mother and one or two other people . We walked around the house and in the doorways . I think it had two or three of them , at different places . The light was pretty dim . There were a few lights around the house , but they seemed almost decorative , and didn 't put out much light . We went around the back to go in . I don 't think people were there at first , but they came and invited us in . It was a large house with a large front yard , and sometimes looked a bit medieval from the front . It was fairly elaborate though , like something that might be owned by a wealthy person . Someone may have commented on the narrow bridge to the mailbox out at the sidewalk , perhaps even me . In any case , it somehow got into the discussion . It was a rural style mailbox , on a post . The yard was several feet under the bridge , maybe as much as six feet or more in some areas , but the ground was irregular and rocky , with some water in some places I think , and partly covered by either an extremely low grass or a low moss . I guess I volunteered to go check the mail , to use the bridge going out to it . I guess I was just trying to show that I could do it , but I was a little uncertain about it , actually . I managed to walk out to the mailbox , with some hesitations along the way , but it seemed much narrower going back and I ended up hugging the bridge , not even sure I could proceed . The owner of the house kept encouraging me , and I did eventually make it back , though it was a long process . I may have done this more than once , I 'm not sure . I came back later , in the daytime , to have my legs and feet examined , to see if they were alright because of a past problem . The dog had scratched them earlier , but my legs and feet had looked alright . Now I found they had long massive open splits , gouges . The doctor , who both evidently lived at the house and had offices there , looked at my mother first . My father was also there , I think , and my brother , accompanying us . I tried to get the doctor 's attention and show him my legs and feet and explain about the dog , but he looked briefly at them and nodded and said that can happen , and went back to working on my mother . I wandered back out . It was a square building , not overly large , and looked different than it had in the dark . In fact , at night sometimes it had seemed fairly large , though still square in shape . The yard even looked normal now , smaller and more of a normal size , and flat with normal grass , and it had a hedge separating it from its neighbor . We finally left . Later , I went back to the house with the narrow bridge . It was getting late in the day . I thought it would be the doctor 's house , but it had somebody else , a doctor who substitutes for him . I was there for a while . Supper was being fixed and I was offered to stay and have some , but I declined and said I had to leave . I went out , heading for the back , past a room where a couple of men , friends of theirs , were watching TV , and maybe playing cards . They also offered to have me stay , but I went on . They got up then , and started to leave the room , going the way I had come . It was time to have supper . I continued making my way to the back . It was getting more complicated than before . There were more rooms and it was spread out more , and people were coming and going , through big glass doors , two or three layers of them , with small entryways in between . A woman asked if she could help and took me off to the side , to other rooms to take and exit from them eventually I guess . Some other people came in and passed through I guess , coming from the back . It seemed almost like some kind of business now , maybe part of a shopping center or large store , like a home improvement store . I wasn 't sure this was the right way to go , where she had taken me . It might have been better trying to exit the other way . Some doors seemed to lead in that direction , to the back , from the relatively small room I was in , but there seemed to be other rooms in the way , and I wasn 't sure I could get to the exit from them . I evidently got out eventually , but I 'm not sure how . Also , somewhere in the dream , I was gliding low over the parking lot of what was apparently a shopping center . I had driven in at night and parked there , going to the right around a long narrow feature . It seemed to be low concrete walls with a gap in the middle with a deep trench , with landscaping below , and some very small narrow arched bridges / footpaths over it . After parking I went up in the air and glided over things , going vaguely in the direction of the shopping center or whatever it was . It was late at night and I think closed . I expected it to be . There were lots of cars in the parking lots though . I may have been just exploring , or going by the shopping center to somewhere else , maybe trying to get home or to someplace I could stay for the night , when I got distracted by it . I passed by a raised area with a military installation , Air Force I think . It had a big hill on one side that people had to go up , trainees at least , to an office at the top , where they were approved to reenter the base . Instead of going up the steep , paved , one lane road , I glided along it for a bit , then glided over the low concrete wall and went beside it , up the hillside , filled with rock outcroppings and brush , gliding low over it . A soldier with a mounted machine gun was looking out a window in a concrete wall , watching things , guarding the place . He reported what I was doing , and seemed uncertain about what to do . They radioed back to keep watch on me I think , and report on what I was doing , while they sent other people to try and capture me . I got in anyway , in the main building , staying mostly behind some shelves . While there , I heard them talking about me and asking if they had found me . The soldier that had come in was saying that they had lost sight of me , but believed that I had gotten in the building . The officers seemed to believe I was an alien , from outer space , and had to be captured or killed . Meanwhile , other soldiers were looking at me funny . They didn 't recognize me . I hoped they would assume I was one of the new recruits . I tried to assume that role , and act like I was one . I eventually had to go to the other side of the shelves , where the officers were talking . I tried to be clumsy at things , and not know what I was doing , trying to act the part of an ignorant recruit . They had paused when I came around the shelves , and looked at me , then resumed talking . When I was making mistakes they stopped again , and one of the officers finally tried to correct me , saying , " Soldier , I know you are new . . . " or something like that , and then giving me advice . They got suspicious of me at some point though , and I had to escape . I went back again later , gliding up the hill again . They responded faster , though , and I don 't think I got back inside , instead going down the other side of the hill and then over things , in a kind of convoluted path , trying to elude them , and finally going back into the parking lot of the shopping center , which looked a little different . It had more cars , too , I think . It was full of them . Some of the details of the lot were different , too . It still had the long narrow trench with its low concrete walls and landscaping , though it didn 't look exactly the same . It all looked pretty familiar for the most part though , and I was saying to myself , I remember this and this and this . . . The soldiers were quite a ways behind me , back closer to the shopping center or whatever it was , but they were coming my way . I could hear them on their radios , like my mind was tuned into them . Sometimes they saw me and sometimes they didn 't . I needed to get to my car , find where I parked it and get away . It was somewhere on the other side of the trench . The parking lot sloped uphill here , away from the shopping center . I needed to get over the trench , glide over it like before , or around it . I think I was getting past the trench but soldiers were starting to appear at different spots around the parking lot , maybe as close as 40 or 50 feet . I might not be able to go directly to my car . I didn 't want them to know where it was , or get in the way when I tried to leave . I started to move in more of a curved zigzag , trying to draw them away and also escape from them . Then , later , I was at home , in the kitchen and dining room area , wandering back and forth , talking to my mother , who was in the dining room standing near the kitchen table I think , working on papers . Looking out back , through the window in the door to the backyard , while standing in the kitchen , I saw an alien in the backyard . It went behind a bunch of things there , mainly a jumbled stack of pale boxes , not very wide , but with some other things around it and mixed in too . It was like a demon sheep , like the political ad featuring a human in a sheep costume . It was behind the things peering out , dark eyes looking at me , talking to me with a strange , high , Mickey Mouse - like voice , sometimes barely audible . It seemed to want to be friendly , and to some extent I tried to be , but it was also frightening , terrifying , especially when I looked at it , and its eyes . I was in the kitchen talking to my mother about it , who was in the dining room I think . I kept coming back to the window in the door and looking out . Sometimes I could see it and sometimes I couldn 't . It seemed to be playing hide and seek with me , peering out now and then , sometimes coming back to the things in the middle of the yard that it was hiding behind , like it repeatedly left and then came back . I wasn 't sure if it was just one or if there were several of them out there . Then the alien was in the kitchen , behind a pile of boxes made of thin cardboard , that hadn 't been there before . I told my mother about it and she came in the kitchen and looked . The alien was singing a song , faintly , a popular song . I thought it liked me and was trying to be friendly , but at the same time it was shy and a little scared of me . I tried to look behind the boxes and see it , or them , but though I had initially seen it peering out briefly earlier , it seemed to move around behind them or inside the pile , like the pile was partially hollow , and I couldn 't find it . The singing was trailing off and as I looked I came to feel that it or they were gone . I straightened up and told my mother I thought that they were gone . Then we were warned by a man who was an alien in disguise , to stop calling aliens . He came to the carport door and then into the house . He was tall and skinny and angular and a little stooped I think , and very ominous and threatening , or at least he was trying to be . I wasn 't sure how much he could really do , or what connection he had with the earlier aliens , though he seemed to have a connection of some kind , maybe only peripheral . I wasn 't sure , too , how the earlier aliens felt about it , or about him , and how much influence he had over them . It might be that they themselves would be scared off by him , though I wasn 't sure about that . I wasn 't sure how safe it would be for us to continue with it , though , or how wise it would be to do so . On Sunday , June 6 , 2010 , around 5 : 00 - 7 : 00 PM , I dreamed I was at home , with my mother . It was probably sometime in the afternoon . An enormous number of people had gathered outside , on the sidewalk and in the driveway and along the walk that went from the driveway to the front door . Cars were also parked along the street . Somebody , apparently the neighbors to the left of us , to the west , were going to have a party . Some of the people were at our door . When it was opened , probably by my mother , some people wanted to leave two babies with us while they went to the party . Looking out , I saw along the line of people on the walk to the door , against the railing that ran along the outer side of the walk ( the house doesn 't have such a railing in real life ) , a woman in somewhat old fashioned clothes , talking to the others . She was against the railing with the others , with her back to it I think , about halfway along the walk . She was smiling and talking and the people on each side of her were also smiling , and also sometimes talking . She seemed to be the center of attention . She was wearing a soft blouse that had a pink and white flowered pattern , with long puffy sleeves , and I think a light gray - green skirt . I knew immediately that she was my grandmother , although she was much younger than when I knew her and only looked a little like her , because when I had known her she had been much older . When I went out , she immediately turned and left , walking west to the driveway , then down the driveway to the sidewalk , then turning right and going east , walking past the people there gathered in front of the cars , and seeming to disappear into them after about ten or twelve feet . I walked out onto the walk by the house . Some of the women there were saying what a nice person she was and wondering who she was . Smiling broadly I said , looking out , trying to find her , " She 's my grandmother who . . . died . . . several years ago . " They started to thin out some after that , with a lot of discussion and murmuring . I walked partway down the driveway , most of the way to the sidewalk , looking out at where she had been , hoping to find her . There was just the crowd of people on the sidewalk , though . She seemed to be gone . Turning around , still smiling broadly , I headed back up the driveway . People were talking about it , about her being a ghost . My mother had come out , and was on the walk by the house . I said something about there being other supernatural things going on , and my mother , off to the side on the walk , perhaps eight or ten feet from me , was agreeing , and the people were talking about it with each other , and I said loudly something like , " Yes , and there 's also the ghosts of the animals . . . " A lot more people were leaving now , and the area was thinning out pretty quickly . I had been heading up the carport now , and considered whether to go in through the carport door , but turned and went back to the front door . There were still perhaps eight or ten people there , most of them around the door , most of them young women . I had hoped that the problem with the babies was taken care of , but they were still trying to leave one of them . I managed to get by the group , which spilled over through the doorway and partway inside the house , talking to them a little as I went . I found that the baby had already been taken in the house . I was somewhat surprised , as I thought it was still out by the door . A young blond man had evidently been assigned the task , or had taken it upon himself . I saw him sitting cross - legged , holding the baby , up on the wall near the ceiling , on the wall that ran by the carport , near the corner with the front wall . I gently and somewhat maliciously said that sometimes things like this happened in the house , and asked him if he knew where he was . I crept up on the wall several feet away from him , on the other side of the old organ , while saying that most of the time , though , you did it yourself , you could just go up the wall , clinging to things , it didn 't matter if your clothes were in the way or not , or if something else was in the way , you just reached out and touched them . I demonstrated , with both my bare fingers and my knee that was covered by my pants clinging when they touched the wall , or even to a heavy cloth that was in the way , something that was covering part of the organ . Meanwhile , he was looking uncertain , and somewhat upset , and managed to make his way down to the floor . I thought he might be scared enough to leave , but he put down the baby , on a chair I think , and went over to the hallway , still looking uncertain and upset , and finally turned and left , going out the front door , but leaving the baby . I went over to it and picked it up . My mother had come in and I think I said something to her about it . She went to the kitchen and we talked back and forth then , from our separate rooms . Two or three other people had also come in I think , but they went out of the living room , to the kitchen or other rooms . The baby had a little plastic bottle that was mostly empty , that it had been holding to its mouth . I picked the baby up and tried to hold the bottle better for it , tipping it up more to its mouth . It fussed a little and started to cry some , but then quieted down . I walked around with it , sometimes talking to it and sometimes to my mother . I tried to set it down on the couch , but it started to cry again , and I bent down to it , and tried to distract it . I hoped they were coming back for it later , but I wasn 't sure and was afraid it might be permanent . On Wednesday , June 2 , 2010 , around 2 : 15 - 3 : 45 AM , I dreamed I had been driving back and forth in a small white car out in the country . Some other people had been doing it too , in another car , maybe two . Earlier it seems there had been something about a large circular swimming pool that I visited and walked around a bit , that was full of people . It was something that had appeared in some dreams years ago . Now I had been driving , and heading for the portion where the road went gradually uphill . The area was a crisscross of small roads , a lot of them dirt . The ground was pale and a little sandy . I got to a crossroads and stopped . The other car had come , from the right I think . It was late and I was tired . I think my mother was in the other car , along with someone else , maybe my brother . They , along with another couple of people I think , had been making a surprise for me . They had constructed a toy housing development with roads and even railways . The houses were made in great detail out of wood and painted . The roads and railways ran for miles , going up the slope , and also to the right . The houses were probably two or three feet across . I thanked them for it and they took me on a tour . They had a lot more to do with it , to finish it , but had worked fast . Walking up the slope in the broad cleared area beside it , we went all the way to the top of the slope , miles , to where the little roads and rails met with another coming in from the right and at steep angle , and then continued in their respective directions for a few inches and stopped . They were going to extend them as they worked in the next few days , going over the hill and down the other side , maybe continuing until close to the next town , and put more of them in also . I worried some about cars coming by before it was finished and not understanding it , and maybe about police or town officials seeing it and interfering , but I don 't think I said anything about it . We went back down the slope to near where we started , then were going back up looking at things in more detail . I saw in the darkness in the dark dry trees and dark dense brush to the left of us , that we were walking nearby , huge spiders with thin curved legs , the legs maybe as big as an inch and a half long in some cases . I kept telling them about it . My brother didn 't pay any attention and kept talking , but my mother sometimes turned and pooh - poohed it to me . We continued up the slope and after a while we turned right and walked along another cleared area , with the houses laid out to the right on the higher ground here , overlooking a sharper section of slope that gradually leveled out as it approached the area where we had parked . The dense trees and brush were to the left of us , and ahead of us too as we reached the limits of the cleared area again . I saw the spiders again , in the darkness , in the brush and trees , slightly different looking here but even slightly larger . I nervously said something about them again , but again the others didn 't care , though they may have turned toward me briefly as I talked about it . They mostly talked about the project , telling me about it , and discussing it with each other . It seems then that we went back down at least partly , and spent the night somehow , sleeping outside or in our cars maybe . Then it was later , maybe the next day or maybe a few days later . A lot more of the complicated little wooden houses had been built and painted , not always in the same colors . I walked along on the lower ground looking at them up on the higher ground , my brother and mother I think pointing them out to me . It was impressive , but the occasional ones in different colors stood out and clashed , and I thought that a uniform color scheme would probably have been best , though I didn 't say so . The houses themselves had two or more colors painted on them . That was alright , it was just where the houses didn 't match other houses that it looked wrong , but mostly in where the long projections of the roofs stuck out . Down below , in the gentle slope bordering the road that went uphill , leading to the road that crossed it where we had earlier parked , where a row of real houses were , mixed in with the little ones , we went to a house two or three houses along , which was somehow my grandmother 's house in Arizona , though somewhat different looking here . A lot of people were working there , painting both the house and the little houses , which they were making in the yard and basically all over the place . Some of the people seemed to be from the radiator shop , and my sisters seemed to be there , looking much younger , maybe even in their teens , plus friends of theirs and maybe some other people . I think my grandmother was also there . They were getting paint all over everything , including the yard , which I think had cars parked in it , and very tall dry grass , looking almost like wheat in some areas . A low inexpensive picket fence , the posts joined by woven wires , separated the front yard from the one to the right . It was late afternoon now . People sometimes went in and out of the house , and some were painting it and even up on ladders and things up by or on the roof . All were working swiftly and industriously . They didn 't seem to care how much paint they got on the grass or fence or whatever was in the way , and sometimes seemed to revel in it . A lot of paint was being wasted that way . My youngest sister was laughing and taking joy in it , and the painting itself . She was working with someone else , a man , one of her friends maybe . She went along from the front of the house and out into the yard . I followed at a distance , frowning some , floating low over the tall grass , which was mostly covered now in splatters and strings of paint , with some areas having a heavy , goopy deposit covering a foot and a half or more . Some was on the grass of the next yard , too . I went along near the fence toward the pale dirt road that ran in front , then I went back toward the house . It was getting darker now . Going down the short section of the side yard , still floating , I managed , with some effort , to get high enough that I could go over the taller fence there , maybe six feet , that separated the back yard from the front . I think it was chain link with metal slats through it . I went along the edge of the roof and then higher , up into the air . It was almost dark now . I saw in the back yard the old dinosaur figure I had made long ago . It a was fairly simple version of T . rex , standing and facing toward the house , maybe six feet high or taller , looking ferocious . I had later made a more natural looking version , about the same size , and devoted almost all my attention to it , instead of working more on this one . This was all in the dream , though in real life I did make one T . rex around four feet high . A huge , very thin wall ran by the dinosaur , to the left , touching it , sometimes leaning against it . The wall was probably around the thickness of cardboard , and was black . It was very tall , maybe fifteen or more feet , and went across the yard at a slight angle , supported by wires or ropes that ran to something in the alley , perhaps a telephone pole , and to the house . The thin wall reached the house at about where the corner of the utility room stuck out from it . The wall moved a little in the slight breeze . I looked down at it from where I was in the air . Near the house a large dog was chained , looking out at the dinosaur and the wall , sometimes angrily barking and growling at them , evidently when the wind caused the wall to shift some and when it sometimes made a slight noise when doing so . It may have also sometimes barked or growled at me , but though it sometimes looked up at me a little , it didn 't seem to mind me much , and knew who I was . In real life I was probably hearing the two small dogs fighting with each other in the kitchen . |
This happened about 5 years ago . I can 't really remember the exact season , whether it was winter or early spring . ( The trees were bare , and there were no flowers blooming . ) You see , there are quite a few areas of older trees still left in downtown Atlanta - - and there is an old garden in the midst of a little forest , attached to an old plantation house . The house and garden are now used by a school for children with cerebral palsy , which is also on the premises . The garden combines a formal area and a naturalized area , and is open to the public in the day - - but not at night - - and it 's quite easy to sneak in . I was walking in the garden , at night , and I made my husband come with me . I did this because the garden is off the main drag and this is a big city , so walking at night is dangerous . He was strolling along and I was up ahead of him by several yards . The only light was coming from halogen street lights on the Main drag ( Ponce de Leon Ave , for those Atlantans who might want to check this out ) . The street is elevated up a bank of some 10 feet or so , I would guess . There are plenty of scrub trees and underbrush on the bank , and they keep out most of the light . Still , there is a kind of golden glow that is cast down on the garden which makes the place very confusing at night with tree shadows , etc . As I said I was walking quite a bit in front of my husband . I was on a path that was separated from the woods by a deep concrete ditch which I suppose acts as over flow when the poor polluted creek rises and keeps the garden from flooding . The ditch is narrow and were I young and in shape , I might even be able to jump it . As I was walking , I saw this bright emerald neon shining light in a tree . I thought it was an optical illusion and stepped closer to the tree ( a myrtle ) to see what was catching the light and shining that way . Then I forgot all about it , because on the other side of the ditch , in a scrubby bush I saw the air get dark and busy . The air got dark and busy , and this little gnome or troll thing knitted itself together right in front of my eyes . It was a typical Brian Froud illustration gnome . Gnarled features , rusty vest , floppy hat - - but it was completely inanimate . It didn 't appear to be alive , it could have been carved in stone . I was terrified out of my wits . I ran screaming , like someone in a movie . I think I was actually in classic panic . Further investigation showed only that the bush was a Mountain Laurel , since cut back in a renovation effort . I still go to the garden , and have even been in a night a few times , but I have never seen anything else . I swear I wasn 't high , nor at that time had I been in years , as I was in the throes of bringing up an expensive daughter ( private school and braces ) . Naw , yer not a looney . One of the first canons of Ghostories is that once you pass through our hallowed Ghostly Libraries , you are completely and utterly de - looney - ized ! It 's kinda like going into an airport terminal and passing through the metal detectors - - no loonies here - - no loonies there ( well , except for the ones who work there - - er , sometimes ! ) Word has it , though , there are no metal detectors at Nudist Airports ( where did THAT thought come from ? ? ) . . . anyway . . . We really enjoyed your story and thank you for sending it in . In the future , however , we suggest you wear an O ' Neill 's Ghostories Tee Shirt , a GhosTee , to ward off garden trolls and gremlins . Especially since they glow in the dark and might be perfect for the filtered lighting in your Atlanta park ! This event happened in April 1994 in Marietta , Georgia . I had a gray stripped cat about one year old name Figaro . He eventually became hard to handle . Little by little each day he would walk up and bite , scratch or growl at me or my two sons . I usually got up every morning at 5 : 30 a . m . and would sit on the couch and drink my coffee . The cat would sit on the couch beside me and then he would walk up and bite me on my arm or scratch me on my leg as I walked by . When enough was enough , I took the cat to the animal shelter - - and a month had passed since the cat had been gone . One morning I got up , got my coffee and was walking from the kitchen to the living room . I felt a stinging burning feeling on the top of my foot , and when I looked down , my foot was bleeding . There was a very thin scratch - like scrape across my foot . I went to work and my husband called me and asked me if I had gone to the animal shelter and got our cat back . I had cold chills . I said , " No , why ? " He then told me he was off work that day and had gone out of the house - - and when he returned he said the cat was sitting in the chair in our dining room ! He said the cat looked at him and ran under the table . I live and work in a mortuary in San Antonio , Texas . I have been interested in the funeral business since I was 12 years old . I have always had an " eerie " aura about me . If you would meet me , you would understand why . I was recently given the opportunity to become a resident of the Mortuary I now work for - - and being the weird kinda guy I am , I could not pass a chance such as this . I moved in on a Thursday afternoon . With my girlfriend 's help , I had everything moved in by the time night came . The funeral home was opened that night until 10 : 00 p . m . I figured I would go ahead and stay the night in my apartment there . My girlfriend always stays with me until about 2 : 00 or 3 : 00 a . m . That particular night , my bathroom was out of order so I was using the bathroom in the family room . My girlfriend was in the bathroom by the employee lounge on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE BUILDING . I ran to the other side of the building to see what was the matter and she said she heard someone whisper her name . I told her it was OK and we headed back to the apartment . I was spooked , as was she , so we both went to her house to stay the night . What a welcome to my new home , Right ? I returned the next night with the previous night 's occurrence in the back of my mind . I stayed in the apartment , watching TV until about 2 : 30 ( a . m . ) when I went outside to smoke a cigar . In order to get outside , you must go through the hallway , then through the garage . My car was parked right outside the door to the garage . I was sitting on the hood of my car enjoying the cigar when I heard a loud " WHOOSH " come from inside the garage . This noise is normal when someone opens the door from the hallway into the garage . Mind you this was after 2 : 00 in the morning and there was not supposed to be anybody ( living ) inside the funeral home - - except for me . My keys were in the apartment and I was stuck . I finally got up the gumption to open the door to the garage . As I opened it , I noticed that the light was off . I never turn off the light . Even if I 'm leaving for the night . The only light filtering into the garage was that from the door to the hallway on the other side of the garage . When I opened the door , that door stayed open for a moment , then shut and I heard footsteps going down the hallway . I 'm kinda a big guy so you can imagine I 'm about to have a heart attack here . I reach one arm in the garage and turn on the light . At that point , I ran to the hallway door next to the apartment . I thought maybe someone had broken into the funeral home . I had the alarm off because I was walking around in the building so I had no way of telling if anyone had broken in . I ran to my apartment , shut the door , locked it , ran to the phone and dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . I told the dispatch what happened and she sent 2 units over within 5 minutes . In the mean time I set the alarm so if someone was in the building they couldn 't get out without the alarm going off . The police arrived and searched the building top to bottom and found no evidence of forced entry or anything missing . I knew then what it was . Now , every night , when I go home to the funeral home , I can walk through the hallway and feel the sinister presence of whatever is there . I just explain to it that this is not it 's home , it 's my home . And ask it to please leave my girlfriend and I alone . We don 't mean any harm to it . It pretty much leaves us alone now , but we can both feel its presence . I just wish the dead would Rest In Peace ! Thanks for the story . It was great . I will never again complain about the house I live in . I promise , cross my heart , hope to . . . er , scratch that . . . I love my house , I love my house , I love my house . This is a very weird story - - I like it . Wish you owned a GhosTee , I really do ! This would be great for the Member 's Library ! Truly , it would ! I know I have been really pushing them this month . . . but for reals ! Mort , can 't I talk you into one ? ? In telling this story , let me assure the reader that it was passed to me by my grandmother , Alene . Alene is in failing health , but her memory is untouched , and her ability to spin a tale is uncanny . This particular story is about her father Joe , his first wife , and a house that will never be forgotten . My grandmother is devout Christian , but she believes these tales of the unexplained to be completely true . Judge for yourself . . . In the late 1800s / early 1900s , it was common practice in the coalfields of Kentucky and West Virginia for a miner to spend the majority of the week at the mines while leaving his wife at home alone . This is exactly what Joe , my great - grandfather , did during his first marriage . After a hasty marriage , Joe bought a small , quaint home for himself and his new wife Sue . Sue quickly alerted her husband to a potential problem : the house was directly across the road from the local cemetery . Joe , being a firm disbeliever is such superstitious nonsense like ghosts and spooks , had a good laugh when Sue begged him not to make her stay alone in a house so close to a graveyard and told her to get used to it . When Monday morning arrived , he left her alone , and laughed as she sobbed on the porch . That night , after completing her tours , she settled down in the bed for a good night 's rest and doused the lamps . As soon as she had climbed into bed , a strange noise became apparent outside . As pulled the covers up around her head , she could hear something like barrels rolling or horses galloping around the house . She tried to sleep and eventually , as the sunrise drove the mysterious sounds away , found some comforting slumber . The next morning brought Joe 's return and the first thing Sue did was beg him to let her leave this house , telling him of the haunted noises . He laughed unsympathetically and told her to get over this stupidity . In desperation , she bitterly screamed , " Joe , I hope to GOD it gets you ! " Joe wasn 't in the least bit frightened and told her that he was sure it was local men playing tricks on her . Later that night , Sue slept well in Joe 's arms , but some subtle suspicion began to eat at the unbeliever . As he drifted into a shallow sleep , he was started at a loud " crack " coming from the fireplace that startled him - - and as he sat upright in the bed , he saw the apparition of an elderly woman staring at him from the rocking chair at the foot of the bed . Joe shuddered with fear and her bony , cold hand stretched to clutch his ankles . As she latched on to his foot and began pulling him toward her and the footboard of the bed . Joe fainted with fright as he felt his foot slide down to the foot of the bed in the dead hand of the spirit . The next morning , Sue roused her pale husband and sat up in the bed as he opened his eyes and screamed with terror . The footboard of the bed was broken and the rocking chair had been toppled during the night . Joe immediately promised his frightened wife that not another night would be passed in this restless house simply telling her , " Sue , whatever it was , it got me . " Craig , thank your friend for sending you to us - - for me and the rest of the Ghostories crew ! Apparently , you have inherited your grandmother 's keen ability to spin a tale - - you are an excellent writer and I loved the story . You have a gift . I 've always wondered what it would be like to live across the street from a cemetery . I mean , not that I really want to find out , but just what goes on . Now , I know ! My now - late grandmother told a story about her grandmother who spent each week alone in a cabin near woods edge when her logging husband would also go away for a week of sawdust and toil . But , as it turned out in her case , there was another logger who would get corn - whiskey liquored up and one night he wandered right out of the camp to see if he could sneak into her cabin . What he hadn 't anticipated was that my German - Irish ancestry was a rough and scrapping lot , and when he came upon her doorstep and started calling out her name , she flung open the door and beaned him a good one with a rather large cast - iron frypan . As the story goes , she could hear him while he lay moaning on the lawn for the remainder of the night , and then somewhere around the cold Hudson Bay daybreak he dragged himself back to camp with a triple hangover and a huge lump on his noggin . Back in those days , the men would laugh anyone out of camp who was trounced by a woman - - and so they did - - and they also booted him permanently for even thinking about messing with another logger 's wife . Needless to say , no other logger ever entertained the idea of paying my great - great grandmother an unannounced visit - - even if the reason was forthright ! Note : If you indicated you would like a GhosTee , please fill out " the WannaTee form " and when your payment is received , we 'll put your story in the Member 's section - - plus you 'll join " Our Crew " on in the new Members Forum where , among other things , we talk about new stories and search our hometowns and regions for famous haunted landmarks . When you purchase a GhosTee , you support Ghostories and it lets our editors know you appreciate the work they do - - plus you get a great keepsake to wear for a long , long time . Shadow on the Wall The days that followed his death were happening , for me , as if in a dream . Fearing this act would spark some sort of " chain reaction , " the school counselors were sent in to help the students grieve and discuss their feelings of loss . Days went by and there seemed to be a cloud of despair and confusion hanging over our entire high school class . If he had lived , my friend would have graduated from high school with the rest of us that same year . When he died , he was two months away from his 18th birthday . About a week after his suicide , I was visiting my best friend at the time , we 'll call her Anne , in her home . We were both still very affected by the death of our friend and we began to talk late into the night about his possible reasons for taking his own life and how crazy and unexpected it was . We had been discussing the whole chain of events and basically trying to make sense of something we could not even imagine , when I suddenly became very uncomfortable talking about our deceased friend . I was sitting at the time in a desk chair across from Anne who was sitting comfortably on her bed facing me . She was looking directly at me and could see the discomfort on my face . She assumed I was just overreacting and our discussion had gotten to me , so she stood up and moved toward the door of her bedroom and gestured in a sweeping motion with her arm for me to follow her into the kitchen down the hall . There was a single small desk light on behind me when she made this motion with her arm , so that when she moved , her body created a shadow on the wall . I of course , thought my eyes were playing tricks on me and ignored the shadow . And I would have kept it to myself if only Anne had not turned to me and asked , " Did you just see that ? " I answered , " Yes ! " - - and we fled out of the room and into the kitchen . Anne 's house was large and our frightened voices bounced off the columned walls , but nothing ever occurred after that . My friend Anne and I no longer speak and I am sure that if she knew I was relaying this story to strangers , she would think I was crazy , but I remember the death of our high school friend as if it were yesterday and I can 't help wishing that the shadow we saw was indeed a sign from our friend , but I will never be sure . I write this story in his memory and in the hope that he is in a place where his problems have all been taken away . Boy oh boy . Here is one of those near - untouchable subjects , CD . Just like it 's almost impossible to find someone without a ghost story , regrettably it 's evenly impossible ( and sad ) to find someone who hasn 't known or been touched by the act of someone who has taken their own life . Suicide is one of the most senseless behaviors that not only causes intense grief - - but it can immeasurably alter the lives of those who surrounded that person not just for months , but decades to come . It is clearly not an act that should ever be considered by anyone . In my life I have known more than one person who committed such a deed . It is strange - - in life you walk with them , you talk with them - - you look up to some of them who are incredibly insightful and some who are brilliant - - and then one morning the sun rises a little differently . In the months and years that follow , when I have ever found myself in the rooms they used to occupy , I have had a strange feeling that while they are no longer there , they somehow still remain as a shadow on the wall . It is the strangest feeling to relate except to those who know what I 'm talking about . I guess my condolences to you are in order - - but I think I 'll opt to celebrate your sharing of your story - - for our task is to learn and by so doing , grow . For anyone who reads this and is close to anyone who might be thinking about suicide - - even if they have only been talking about it in the mildest of terms - - please do everything you can for them . Don 't be afraid to help by contacting their families or your local agencies who can prevent these senseless tragedies . Last year I made a call that saved a life - - and while it was the hardest decision I ever made - - I can tell you it is much nicer watching that person continue to grow rather than thinking about them as a shadow on the wall . My bed was up against one wall and my sister 's bed faced the other . I turned so I was facing the wall , when I opened my eyes ( after getting that feeling of being watched again ) there standing in the wall was a woman - - she was a young woman , dressed all in black , high white lace collar , wearing a cameo , and hair pulled up neatly in a bun . She stood there with her hands folded in front of her , smiling sweetly at me . Now , mind you , I was 7 years old so I pulled the covers up over my head , and then down again to take a peek just to see if she was still there ( which she was , and this time with a bigger smile ) . I got so scared I jumped from my bed and ran across the room to my sister 's bed . I landed right on top of her , waking her up of course . I told her there was a lady in my wall , but when we looked again the woman was gone . The next day I told my mom about it , she said it must have been just my guardian angel and left it at that . She refused to talk it about it further , or even years later . Then recently , my brother and I got talking about that house . He said , " don 't you remember what the neighborhood kids used to say about our house ? " He told me that apparently a couple had died there years ago . Then he asked me if I remembered the time that he and I were in the backyard and we saw the old man in the attic window . And all of a sudden it rushed back - - - bammmm ! Right when he told me about the old man in the attic window I had a major flash back and remembered it like it was yesterday . I don 't have to tell you even after all these years it scared me . Well , many years have passed since we lived there , but I still have dreams about that house and I wish the dreams would stop ! I have many other scary stories to tell , but I have freaked myself out telling this one , so the others will have to wait . Until next time , Gretchen , we here at Ghostories truly enjoyed your story and hope you return for " sequels " - - and we have a GhosTee for you also . Note : If you indicated you would like a GhosTee , please fill out " the WannaTee form " and when your payment is received , we 'll put your story in the Member 's section - - plus you 'll join " Our Crew " on in the new Members Forum where , among other things , we talk about new stories and search our hometowns and regions for famous haunted landmarks . When you purchase a GhosTee , you support Ghostories and it lets our editors know you appreciate the work they do - - plus you get a great keepsake to wear for a long , long time . Nice Necktie ! Where it Happened : Old Sayebrooke CT This incident happened about 2 years ago . I was 17 at the time and working at a restaurant - motel in Old Saybrooke CT called " The Castle " . The scariest thing about the place ( besides the low pay ) was the old story of what happened to one of its original owners . From almost my first day working there I was told that one of the members of the family who built the house had killed himself on the grounds . The story was that one night the son had discovered that his fiancee was cheating on him with one of his close friends . Deep in depression the son climbed to the tallest tower of the Castle , tied a rope to some type of pole on the roof , and hanged himself . We were cleaning up the dining room after closing when we heard the kitchen doors slam shut . I had propped them open ; but , as the wind off Long Island Sound is pretty strong , I figured they had blown shut . Katie yelled at me to get over there and look at the kitchen . When I arrived I saw a weird green light pouring through the round window of the door and flooding out the crack at the bottom . Still unconvinced of any supernatural goings on I tried to open the door - - but it was not happening . I thought someone was in there , and I knew that if the place got trashed I would get fired , so I reared back and tried to put my shoulder through the door . At the time I was about 6 ' 2 " - 210 pounds , played football and lifted a lot of weights . The door should have popped right open . But not this time . Katie and I peered into the window and there plain as day was a man dressed in antiquated clothes , with a noose around his neck looking right back at us . He walked by and the green light left us . We instantly figured " forget the boss , it 's quittin ' time ! " We ran outside , and could barely light our cigarettes our hands were shaking so badly . From then on I was a believer . Hey Colin , thanks for the story ! Some of the best stories , I think , come from old hotels , mansions and restaurants . Just last weekend I revisited the Captain 's Anchorage in California 's Big Bear Mountains and I could still feel the same undercurrent running through the place - - but while I was there the only thing green I saw in the restaurant was a really bad hairdo ! But really , it 's a little hard for me to picture what happened to you , and even harder to even think how freaked it would make most of us . If you ever get a picture of the place , send it to us , ok ? I 'd love to place it in this story if it 's ok with you . My aunt and uncle had a passion for restoring old country houses . The last of which had been an Inn at the turn of the century . The house sits on 50 acres at the top of a hill next to a historic old church with an equally historic old graveyard . I can 't claim to recall for certain but I think the church was used as a field hospital during the Civil War . My uncle would tell us the story about the months after they moved in to the house . Their bedroom was on the second of three floors near the large almost - spiral staircase that emptied into the foyer between two sitting areas . Late in the evening , while they were in bed , my Aunt and Uncle would hear what sounded like a distant crowd of people in conversation . Living in quiet country houses most of their lives made them fairly light sleepers ( the local Volunteer Fire Department changed that over time , I 'll get to that ) . My uncle would get up to check out the noise and find nothing , but since it was an old house with a boiler - - and that it was more or less near town - - there were many possible rational explanations for the noise . Still , over the course of a few months the noises grew louder and louder until it sounded like a party was being thrown in their own house - - and my aunt and uncle weren 't invited . This had grown so gradually that my uncle was much more annoyed than fearful . One night he went to the stairs and shouted for them to shut up so he can get some sleep ! That seemed to scale back the noise enough to satisfy him , although it didn 't go away completely . My uncle passed away in that house one year ago this October . Subsequently I spent a great deal more time there last winter than I had before taking care of a few things for my aunt . I slept on the top floor across from the game room . Many nights an air raid siren would go off summoning the local volunteers firefighters to the station house . I never did get used to sleeping through that ! Then one night the siren wailed at about 2 : 00 a . m . and I was having a hard time going back to sleep . I was wide awake when I heard something . It lasted only an instant and seemed to me to be a crowd in the distance that had just been told the punch line to a very funny joke . Whatever it was it reminded me of my uncle 's stories . Now , here 's a story that makes the afterlife look a little appealing ! Like it could be some fun after all ! Can you imagine ? You pass away and a few months go by . One day , your new friend Eddy comes to your plot and says , " Hey , Gruber ! You 're invited to a party dude ! " Hot tamales ! And you thought you were going to spend eternity spit - shining your halo and preening those Addidas wings . Then , halfway into the evenings festivities , as you move from one cute angel to the next , you find out that not a lot has changed after all ! Just as you 've settled into dipping Doritos and munching on beer nuts , the landlord yells from below to keep it down ! Hahahahahha . . . Yessss ! But hey , you 're still having a devil of a time even if across the street in your old cemetary there 's that popular group of Rolling Stones ! Thanks for the story , Kevin . Much appreciated and have a great Halloween ! This time sisters went to the closet together . Esther could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she reached her hand out for the closet latch and slowly pulled it back . Then , with her entire body shaking , she dragged the closet door open - - and at that moment a small man ran from the closet and disappeared out the open window . Tony , thanks for the story - - and like most stories , it starts me to ponder over what it 's all about ? I mean the thing about the little guy poppin ' out of the closet . Didn 't Dean Martin always greet his guest for the night by opening up his closet door and out would pop some star like Don Rickles and other famous celebrities ? But I guess that has no bearing here , unless the little guy was a star - struck ghost stuck in a some kind of time warp ! Maybe he was a ghost who never got the chance to be on Dean Martin . . . nawwwww . A stage hand who lost his hammer . . . uh uhhhh ! But , hey now , what about the omen thing ? There 's something to think about . I mean , closets have always been a place that kids are afraid of - - just like the thing about " something under the bed . " Maybe closets are portals and the sound could have been a muffled celestial gong ringing out the " coming of a new traveler . " After seeing " City of Angels , " I wonder , when people die , maybe there have been preparations made for them on the other side - - days , weeks or even months in advance - - at the exact location where they will be " exiting stage right . " I mean after all , when we enter this life our relatives have nine full months to prepare for us - - so why would it be any different for those who will be greeting us in the great beyond when we are ready to exit ? Oh well , just stuff to think about , I guess . But , while we are thinking about all that ( you really don 't have anything better to do , do you ! ! hahha ) , get ready for the next story coming your way on Ghostories that is a real shocker that also deals with the subject of closets ! ( Ever notice that some of these stories come two in a row - - like the theatre stories ? ) Closet Encounters While sitting around looking at photo albums with my grandmother , we came across some newspaper clippings . The clippings were from a newspaper in Indiana . They were about an old brick house being torn down . Since we live in Mississippi I found it strange that my grandmother would have these clippings , so I questioned her about them . She then told me one of the eeriest stories I have ever heard . In 1946 my grandmother lived in Nobleville , Indiana with her first husband and their child . They lived in an old brick house that was built before the civil war and stood on the outskirts of town . It was a large house with very high ceilings and wooden floors . In the master bedroom was a closet with a heavy wooden door that did not have a knob , only a wooden latch to keep the door closed . My grandmother would shut and latch the closet . When she would leave the room and return the closet door would be standing open . She would shut the door again and go about her chores . When she returned the door would be open . She did this several times a day . She said the door stayed opened more than she could keep it closed . She was more annoyed than scared by this strange event . The clippings talked about her old house and reported that it had been torn down . While they were tearing the house down , a hole was discovered under the closet floor . They had found the remains of a man in the hole . It was believed to be the body of a soldier from the civil war . Imagine , if you will , all the times you use a closet - - for storage , clothes , hiding knickknacks and presents from the kids before birthdays and Christmas . Once , when I moved into a new two - story house on campus in Ypsilanti , Michigan , I even had a former owner 's cat deliver her babies in the closet I had to use to hang my clothes ( talk about wood chip heaven after that ! We tried everything to get rid of THAT odor . . . Rick Allen , if you are out there , you should be ashamed of yourself for making me take that room when you knew all along ! ) . But to even think that the little alcove you use to store your " stuff " rested upon an unplanned burial site . . . gives me the major goosebumps ! It probably was a good thing all he did was keep opening the door . . . can you imagine if one day she had of gone to the closet for a scarf and a hand came out and handed it to her ! ! LARRY ! ! ! MOE ! ! ! After lurking around here for ages reading everyone else 's stories , I 've finally got up the nerve to post one of my own . My story isn 't as dramatic or interesting as some of the other stories posted here , but I feel confident enough to post it because three other people have had experiences in this particular house - - so here goes . . . This happened a few months ago while I was visiting a friend 's house one evening ( I 'll refer to my friend as " G " ) . A mutual friend of ours , " J , " was also present . This was my first and only visit to the house and no one else was home at the time apart from the three of us . While eating dinner in the kitchen - dining area located in the back portion of the house , something drew my attention to the right , so I glanced down the top section of the hallway . As I watched a dark shadow moved very quickly from right to left , as though it had just moved up the other long hall , through the centre of the house , then straight ahead crossing the top hallway . I didn 't say anything at the time , although I was curious about what I 'd seen . We were intrigued and quite excited about this , but didn 't say anything to " G " as we didn 't want to frighten her . Interestingly enough , " G " approached " J " recently to ask her opinion about ghosts because a young woman who also lives in the house claimed to see a shadow move up the hallway and was concerned because she would soon be spending several weeks alone there - - and understandably she was frightened . " G " explained that while she hadn 't seen anything herself , there was one occasion when she was walking up the hallway and she felt like she 'd accidentally pushed someone out of the way - - even though she couldn 't see anyone there ! With the shadow that " J " and I saw , we didn 't feel any strong feelings or emotions connected with it . At this moment in time I haven 't heard of any more events in that house . Commander Cody sang a great rendition about just this sort of topic , called " The Shadow Knows ! " When I was about 12 years old my brother , sister and I moved into my grandparents house . Ever since we could remember we had heard stories about the house being haunted . Nothing too big but strange things happened alot . Rumor had it that there used to be a horse tack room / stable where my grandparents built their house and a little boy had been trampled in there . We have never actually checked into this story but it is what we have heard - - at least it is what we were " told . " Actually , I had no choice . My little brother and sister had ' beds ' set up downstairs and I slept upstairs . When I was about 14 I had taken up smoking cigarettes but no one knew about it . I used to turn off my bedroom light and smoke cigarettes . I turned off my light just in case my grandparents happened to come up the stairs . They always turned on the hall light to help their way up the stairs . This way I would know to put out my cigarette and spray air freshener . This house is about 50 or 60 years old , the doors are the old latch type and made of nothing but wood , they are solid . To close the door you have to lift the hook and latch it into the other part of the door . To open the door you have to lift the handle and pull the door open . On my bedroom door I also had an eye hook lock to keep my room locked and my little brother out . I would be laying in bed at night watching TV and my bedroom door would just pop open but would never open all the way because of the lock on my door . I never thought anything of it , I just thought it was a breeze until my brother and I started sharing stories about what was happening in that room and in the house . I have since moved out and my brother moved into my old room , we have all grown up and started sleeping upstairs - - and we have gotten over our fears pretty much . There were four bedrooms upstairs and they were set up weird . The house was square , two bedrooms on each side of the house with a staircase up the middle . To get to two of the rooms you have to walk through the two main ones , like this : Recently I had bought a Ouija board and have been using it at my new house . One night my cousin , brother , sister and boyfriend were using it when my cousin and I started talking about how we used to use the board when we were younger at my grandparents house . My cousin remembers talking to the little boy who died at this location and she remembers the little boy telling us his version of the story of what happened to him . The footsteps were heavy ones , definitely not those of a child . When my brother realized no one was there he just assumed that it was the father , because of the heavy footsteps . He told the father that if he didn 't leave Brandon , the little boy , alone that he was going to kill himself and haunt his butt down , beat him to a fine pulp , then come back to life ( yeah , right ) , dig up his grave and burn his mangy hide ! My brother has become attached to Brandon and has not heard anything from him about his father or heard his father around the house . We all had thought that it was just our imagination until we started telling each other things that had happened to us and realized that it could not be a coincidence . This is definitely a study in " you can 't believe everything you hear " - - for sure . And it 's genre is in the afterlife section of this dusty library shelf . Follow me down this aisle and let 's see , ah , here is the edition - - wait while I pull it off this high shelf - - ahhh , I almost can reach it , just a couple more inches - - - oh , ahhh , oh . . . yikes ! ! . . . . grab the ladder , I 'm falling ! ! Ahhhhh . . . . . geeez , how embarassing , but I 'm ok , now help me up , I took quite a tumble ! Here , it 's in this pile of fallen books on the floor ! There , that 's the one - - now we 'll read what it has to say : When the spirits keep coming back there is almost always a story left untold , a wrong that has never been set to rights - - and the spirits will search for a receptive ear until one arrives on the scene . Then , as if in a play , they will act out in the only way they know how to communicate back through the muffled barriers between real life and after - life . Then maybe , just maybe , that living ear can set to motion a course of action - - and with a little more sluething , a touch of luck and the ability to hear beyond the normal clatter , a chapter of an untold tale can finally be put to rest . When the truth is finally set free , the house will grow quiet once again , the footsteps will cease , and a little boy will rest eternally . Good luck to you - - I hope you succeed . Don 't stop until you do - - I believe you and your family have been called upon . And , besides , it could prove very exciting . Let us know when you find out more , and thanks again . One night , when I was going to bed , I switched off the light as usual . After about two minutes of lying down , staring at the ceiling I heard someone crying . I thought it was my baby sister but she was asleep because I could hear her snoring . Then , I saw a long , black silhouette on the wall . I was really scared but tried to think of something else . The crying was growing louder . I screamed but no sound came out . I looked up to where the sound was coming from - - it was by my window . I saw a face of an old woman crying and I screamed , this time audibly , and my parents came running in and switched on the light . If what they say is true about suicide ( not getting into the pearly gates ) , then her eternal life might just be to haunt that window and be tied to those drapes forevermore . Sounds like a real bummer , doesn 't it ? Not exactly the way I would care to spend eternity . I mean , let 's just say that if back in those days if they had antidepressants , then rather than hanging by her window she could have been at that party we read about earlier in this library ( and in other Ghostories Libraries ) . Now there 's really something to make her wail ! ( hahahha . . . oh boy , here I go . . . it got me to thinking . . . go into her room and tell her just that ! I bet she really breaks into a screeeeeeech ! ) The scariest of things happen when you stay up half the night reading ghost stories . Ever since the second grade it seems I have been a magnet for the supernatural . The night that I found this site ( Ghostories ) I was up ' til all hours reading . I finally went to bed about 12 : 30 figuring it was late and I should sleep . My Bible flipped open to Revelations 13 , the story of the dragon and the devil . Now that 's not a story to fool with in the first place but I read it anyway . About halfway through the first word the power went out in my room . My parents and brother were watching " Independence Day " in the other room so I know the power was fine . I just couldn 't get any of my lights to work . So I lit the handful of candles the reside on my headboard . As I reached the last bit of the story it started to pour outside . Thunder , lightening the whole bit . I decided it was time to go to sleep and rain storms had always put me to sleep before . So I made sure my closet door was shut and blew out my candles . I slept for about two hours . Then with out warning my collection of music boxes , all 17 of them , started playing . Accompanied by this was the smell of someone trying to burn wet wood . After the music wound down it took me ten minutes to get my heart back in the right place and the courage up to turn on my lights , which now worked fine . I didn 't notice it then - - the thing about the lights being fine - - but I realized it the next morning . Anyhow , I got up to see if my parents and my brother were playing a practical joke . No such luck . Mom and dad were fast asleep and my brother was out like a light on his top bunk . I shivered . I ALWAYS make sure my closet is shut before I go to bed . Sufficiently weirded out I crawled back into bed and turned off my lights . I pulled the covers over my head and fell asleep . The next morning when I awoke and turned on my lights , my unicorn music box that plays " the impossible dream " was playing " silent night . " I raised an eyebrow and said nothing more . When I got home I dropped my stuff in my room and noticed that all of my candles had been arranged tallest to shortest on my desk - - and my music boxes played the right songs . No developments on any of that yet , but I 'll tell what happens next . Laura , thanks for the story , and . . . Ah - HAH ! So much for that person who signed the Ghostories Guest Book and said that she enjoyed the site but couldn 't find any scary stories ! Ah - hah - hah - ha - hahhh - o - haw ! ( BIG Raspberry and a Neener Neener ! ) So , this proves there must at least be a few scary stories here . Good deal , right on and all that ! Makes me wonder if we shouldn 't sell a Ghostories make - it - through - the - night Survival Kit . In it , I would imagine we would have to include all kinds of implements of preservation ranging from candles to nerf bats to Barney underwear ( er , scratch that last entry ! ) Although I 'm not sure what would cure 17 wayward music boxes - - maybe that old Christmas Carol , " The Twelfth Day of Christmas ! ! ( Six turtle doves , one each - a - peach , and 17 uncontrolable music boxes ! ) Oh nooooo . . . we 're not finished yet ! There 's more to come just as soon as I unpack all these new stories that flooded in during Halloween ! What a shipment too ! We must have over 99 of them , just waiting . . . so don 't despair , we 'll be putting them up each week until Christmas ( and that reminds me , I love Christmas cards and presents - - so if anyone is inclined , send me a Christmas card or any ol ' trinket at the address shown near the bottom on the GhosTee page wannatee . htm and I 'll hang them up all over the rancho ! ) . |
May 11 , 2013 by Andrew Grey As he answers the Skype call , Spencer 's face appears in the window . Grainy , but not freezing , his slow easy smile is shy and tentative , like he 's not sure what 's going to happen . The rapid tapping on the desktop betrays his nerves , but when JP 's corresponding picture comes up on his screen , he grins , ready for the interview . Well , I 'm glad it did ! It 's been four years since we got to sit down and work on a book together . How 's school ? We have gotten a lot of interest on Spaaron . Companies are either looking to buy the software out right , or hire us to work for them . I keep trying to get Aaron to consider what he will do after college , but well … He is better than he was when we first met . Not as freaked out by things like cloudy days or train whistles . He can hold a conversation when he needs to and even joined an online therapy group . But , he still doesn 't like to be touched - doesn 't like to go out , or let people really see him . He is coping , but not really living . Well , aside from people teasing me about dating Jake Bass . ( He grins again ) . Spencer isn 't a very common name , and being deaf makes me more recognizable . There was a bit of fanfare at school when it first came out , but Aaron and I ignored it and went on about our business . What an interesting question . I think if I had to pick one , it would be more closed captioning for movies in the theater . I would love to be able to take Aaron to the movies and actually know what was going on . Most people may assume because of the deafness , that I see the world in black and white with no richness or depth . That is not true . I like so many of the same things everyone else likes , just from a different perspective . I have two and since it is my interview . I am going to use them both . First , I would want to go back in time and prevent the attack on Aaron . Right now , I cannot wait to get a job and get out on my own . I love my dad , but watching him and his new girlfriend make googly eyes at each other makes me insane . I want Aaron and me to get our lives started together . Well , it is a dream anyway . Well , my dad and I were close , so coming out was not really a big deal . I am sure he already knew anyway by the time I got around to telling him . At school I got the shit kicked out of me anyway for being deaf , the topic of being gay never came up . My very few friends knew . A couple of the guys in the deaf program knew . We fucked around and experimented . But really , at least for me , it was not a big deal . I would love to say that I am not , but that is a lie . I love sex . I miss sex . I love the intimate moments that Aaron and I have together , but I will not cheat on him - ever . I love him more than I thought I could love anyone . But to never have sex again , I do not know what will happen with that . I can 't describe what it 's like to want to scream every minute of every day . Two years after a terrifying night of pain destroyed his normal teenage existence , Aaron Downing still clings to the hope that one day , he will be a fully functional human being . But his life remains a constant string of nightmares , flashbacks , and fear . When , in his very first semester of college , he 's assigned Spencer Thomas as a partner for his programming project , Aaron decides that maybe " normal " is overrated . If he could just learn to control his fear , that could be enough for him to find his footing again . Award winning romance novelist , J . P . Barnaby has penned over a dozen books including the Forbidden Room series , the Little Boy Lost series , and Aaron . As a bisexual woman , J . P . is a proud member of the GLBT community both online and in her small town on the outskirts of Chicago . A member of Mensa , she is described as brilliant but troubled , sweet but introverted , and talented but deviant . She spends her days writing software and her nights writing erotica , which is , of course , far more interesting . The spare time that she carves out between her career and her novels is spent reading about the concept of love , which , like some of her characters , she has never quite figured out for herself . Rock finds Justin confusing . While saving a busload of children hanging off the edge of a highway overpass , the cute rookie is cool and confident . But when Rock tries to chat him up , he stutters and chokes . Frustrated , Rock teases Justin , and boy , is his temper hot . Though Rock and Justin share a steamy kiss , Justin keeps his distance , still tongue - tied . Then , when Justin is injured on the job , Rock takes him to the hospital , and some of the barriers start to crumble . But getting his enigmatic sweetheart to open up brings up more questions about Justin 's past . Excerpt : About an hour later , a speeding car heading out of town caught Justin 's attention , and he flipped on his lights and pulled out to follow the car . He 'd just gotten behind the driver and was about to radio in the call when a long screech , like nails on a blackboard , crawled up his spine . Justin looked up from the car in front of him and saw a school bus facing him on the freeway overpass . It took him a second to realize the bus was hanging over the edge of the overpass , and by then , he 'd already disengaged from the speeder , who had sped up again and was heading up onto the freeway . " Bus accident on I - 81 South , " Justin radioed in . " Don 't know number of people involved . Need emergency services . Bus hanging over overpass , need South Hanover closed both ways . On my way to assist at the scene . " Traffic was already stopping on the surface streets . Justin needed to get up to the freeway , but the lane to the on - ramp was clogged , so he went up an off - ramp and turned so he went the wrong way down the freeway shoulder , siren and lights blaring so he could get to the bus . It was teetering on the edge , and as soon as he stopped his car and got out , he could hear children on the bus , screaming . Cars on the highway were slowing , and Justin got the first cars to hold . He knew he was backing things up , but he needed to help those kids . " Stay there , " he told the drivers , and they held still , effectively closing the freeway . The bus screeched , and Justin saw it move slightly . " It 's all right , kids , " Justin yelled , and the screaming subsided . " I want you all to slowly move to the back of the bus . Don 't move fast or suddenly , but slowlywalk to the back of the bus . " He saw the kids begin to move inside and heard sirens approaching from what seemed like all directions , but he kept his eyes on the kids . " That 's it . Keep walking slowly , " Justin encouraged as the back wheels of the bus settled back down onto the pavement . " Good , now all of you stay where you are . We 're going to get you out , but it will take a few minutes . No one move , " Justin said . " Is the driver with you ? " he asked the kids through an open window . " It 's okay , you 're going to be all right . We 're going to help you , and then we 'll get the driver out too . I promise , " Justin said , trying anything he could to calm them down . Other emergency vehicles arrived , and Justin continued working to keep the children calm . " Is anyone hurt besides the driver ? " Justin asked . " How many are hurt ? " Rockland Sparks asked him , and for a brief second Justin 's composure failed him . Damn , why did he have to be the one who responded ? Every time the EMT was around , Justin got completely tongue - tied . Rock , as everyone called him , was just that : built solid , with arms that stretched his shirt sleeves . Justin swallowed and opened his mouth to respond , hoping like hell some sort of sound came out . Dante Rivers just lost the rodeo by two one hundredths of a point : he 's frustrated as hell , needs to get laid , and he knows just where to go . That night he meets Ryan Abbott and catches his eye - Ryan watched the rodeo and is still riding high on the rush . The chemistry between them ignites , but Dante , unable to deal with complications , leaves while Ryan 's asleep . Ryan figures he 'll never see Dante again , but they 're fatefully reunited when Dante 's grandfather , Hy , hires Ryan to help straighten out some old investments . The attraction between Ryan and Dante still sizzles . Sex slowly turns to more , but obstacles abound : Hy 's failing health , Dante 's homophobic sponsor , an attack on Ryan , and Dante 's own struggle with his identity . Any one thing would be enough to separate them permanently … unless they both decide to hang on for the wild ride . Dante stepped out onto the arena floor , the sand crunching lightly beneath his boots . A murmur went through the small crowd gathered at the rail , and a bit of the excitement that had begun to slip away returned . He eyed the crowd and saw a group of kids - looked like a scout troop or something . He walked in their direction and was greeted by young , awed faces and even a few jumps . " Did you like it ? " Dante asked , and they answered yes as he took their programs and signed each one . " Hello , sweetheart , " Dante said as he crouched carefully in front of a little girl next to the boys . She had on a little cowgirl outfit and was holding her daddy 's hand . She looked at him shyly and then up at her daddy . Dante signed a number of programs and then stepped back , waving to everyone before turning to leave the arena floor . Some of the other riders were still signing , but he 'd had more than enough . Just before he reached the tunnel , he saw the scoreboard , the numbers still displayed . Two one - hundredths of a point . The numbers seemed to mock him . Anger welled inside as the fatigue that had begun to take over subsided . Dante turned away and marched back toward the locker room . Was he ? Dante took stock of his injuries . " I 'm fine , " he answered . " I 'll see you soon . " Harvey nodded and then hurried away toward the exit , pulling his phone out of his pocket as he went . Dante went back into the locker room . He took off his vest with a sigh and set it aside before stripping off the chaps and the rest of the gear , packing it away before heading toward the exit . " Tough luck about the score , " Bobby Varton said as they passed . Dante paused for a split second , trying to figure out if the sentiment was genuine or a rib . Knowing Bobby , it could go either way . Dante nodded before moving on . He left the arena carrying his bag and walked to his truck , parked in the designated area . The lot was largely empty , most everyone already gone . Dante unlocked the door and threw his gear behind the seat before climbing in . He started the engine and willed the air - conditioning to cool the damned sauna down . When the cold air began to blow , Dante closed the door , but he didn 't pull out . Not yet . His leg shook with excess energy . Tired as he was , he couldn 't stop his heart from pounding . " Two hundredths of a goddamned point , " Dante yelled , pounding his fist against the steering wheel . " I was that fucking close ! " His entire body thrummed with energy that wasn 't going to go away . Adrenaline still coursed through him , and it would for a long time yet . As hyped up as he was , from his jittery legs to his cock throbbing in his jeans , it wasn 't going to dissipate soon . He threw the truck in gear and tore out of the parking lot and onto the access road before getting on the freeway and heading toward the north end of Houston . There was no way he was going to waste all this energy . What he wanted , no , needed , was a hard , down - and - dirty fuck . And he knew just where to get it . March 10 , 2013 by Andrew Grey The Fight Within was just released this past week . It 's the follow up to The Good Fight . Both of these stories are very close to my heart since both of them have a basis in fact . The Good Fight is Akecheta and Jerry 's story . It deals with how native American children can be caught in the South Dakota child welfare system . This story was inspired by a true story and something similar has played out many times . The Fight Within is Paytah and Bryce 's story and it attempts to demonstrate that the povery on reservations not only means that people don 't have enough to eat or that their lives are hard , but it also tries to show that with that poverty comes other forces that turn people into victims . These stories are poverful and I love them both very much . They truly come from my heart . Bryce Morton needs a change of scenery . Since his partner 's death a year ago , he 's become withdrawn and quiet , so his friends , Jerry Lincoln and Akecheta ( John ) Black Raven , convince him to go camping with them on a Sioux reservation . Though he 's not immediately sure he 's done the right thing , Bryce becomes more interested when he meets Paytah , the man who owns the reservation 's trading post . Paytah Stillwater 's life is filled with hurt , and sometimes the only thing he has left is pride . After being abused as a child and disbelieved when he spoke up , he has withdrawn into himself - but he can never truly put his past behind him , because the source of his pain still lives on the reservation . Paytah is proud of his heritage and careful with his heart , but when Bryce commits a selfless act of kindness for one of the reservation 's children , the walls around Paytah 's heart begin to melt . Bryce and Paytah each fight the pain within them . When Paytah 's abuser sets his sights on one of the reservation youngsters , Bryce and Payton must set their individual fights aside . Finding a way to stop the abuser unites them to fight their way forward - together . As promised , the camping place wasn 't far from Kiya 's , and it was beautiful , with a small stream running through a shallow but lush valley . They unloaded the stuff , and the guys put up the tents . Bryce wasn 't sure what he was supposed to do , so he mainly carried things from the van in what seemed like a never - ending caravan of equipment . " That 's the last of it , " Bryce said as he set down the cooler on the grass . They had tents , chairs , a small fire pit , and not much else , but they all seemed pleased . The kids almost immediately took off their shoes and socks to wade in the shallows of the stream while John and Jerry took a moment to sit quietly . They offered Bryce a chair as well . The kids joined them , keeping their shoes off , while John built a small fire . As darkness fell , they roasted hot dogs , told stories , and simply talked . A coyote howled in the distance , and Bryce looked all around , but didn 't immediately race to the van . " It 's okay , Uncle Bryce , " Mato said . " They don 't like people and they won 't come near the fire . " Bryce nodded and listened as the haunting call was picked up by another and then another . " The land has its own music . If you close your eyes and let go , you 'll really hear it , " John explained . Bryce wasn 't so sure , but he closed his eyes anyway and listened . At first , he heard the coyotes , then the crackle of the fire , followed by the overlapping chirp of grasshoppers . The stream joined with its soothing gurgle , with tiny animals scurrying through the grasses . A bullfrog croaked loudly , and Bryce jumped , nearly toppling his chair , and the children added their laughter to the chorus . He closed his eyes again , leaning back in his chair and listening . The sounds , no longer scary or confusing , worked their way into his mind . As he listened , he heard a rock tumble down from a nearby bluff . No one said anything , and Bryce breathed deeply and calmly . " It 's beautiful , " Bryce said as he felt tears well in his eyes . He made no move to wipe them away . Percy would have loved it out here , and Bryce had never been interested in camping . I 'm sorry , Bryce thought , and a tiny breeze came up , caressing his cheek . The tears started in earnest as he swore he heard Percy 's voice on the wind telling him it was all right and time for him to move on . I 'll always love you , but there 's another out there who will love you too , it seemed to say . The breeze caressed his cheek once more and then it was gone . " So it was a dream , " Bryce whispered as he looked around . He saw the kids through the screen of the tent , already asleep . " How long ? " " I didn 't see anything , but I heard Percy on the wind , " Bryce said and then waited , but there was no wind , the air still and rapidly cooling . " He told me he 'd always love me , but it was time for me to move on . " Bryce swallowed back tears . " But it was just a dream . " John shook his head slowly . " No . You were given a blessing . The spirits allowed him to come to you and give you a message . Don 't dismiss it or think it didn 't happen . " John placed his stick on the fire , stood up , and stretched his back in varying directions . Then he sat back down again , and no one talked for a while as Bryce sank deep into his own thoughts . Maybe it was time for him to stop grieving . Bryce stood up and walked toward the van . He pulled out his suitcase and in the darkness changed into a pair of shorts and T - shirt before making his way to the tent he was sharing with the kids . They had insisted he sleep with them , so Bryce climbed into his sleeping bag on the air mattress and closed his eyes . January 14 , 2013 by Andrew Grey By The Creek is the culmination of an idea that I got from my good friend Mary Calmes . I wasn 't sure I could write a young adult story at first . I 'll admit this story kicked my butt as I wrote it . But I love it . The story really warmed my heart and as I was completely captivated by it . During the editing process , I often got caught up in the story . There are many things about this story that are me . I used alot of my own teenage experiences and feleings . In alot of ways , this is the story I wish I could have written when I was seventeen . This was what I wanted , but at the time I didn 't have the words . Now I do and I really hope you enjoy this story . Soon - to - be high school junior David Harper hates his family 's move to the country . There 's nothing to do , and he misses his friends in the city . But he doesn 't have a choice . His mother 's job is in Mason County now , so David and his mom are too , and he has to make the best of it . Benjamin is Amish , and cooling off in the swimming hole is one of the few liberties he and his brothers enjoy . A friendship with an English boy is not - but that doesn 't stop him and David from getting to know each other , as long as it 's on the neutral ground by the creek . After David risks his life to save Benjamin 's father , the boys ' friendship is tolerated , then accepted . But before long , Benjamin 's feelings for David grow beyond the platonic . Benjamin 's family and the rest of the community will never allow a love like that , and a secret this big can 't stay secret forever … . David sat on the front steps looking across the yard . He was as bored as he could ever remember being in his life . They 'd moved into the house three weeks ago , and he had absolutely nothing to do . His mother was at work , and she 'd left strict instructions about what he could and couldn 't do . They 'd already unpacked everything , and David had spent the past two days watching television , but there was no cable and they only got three stations , so basically television really sucked . He 'd gotten his mother to take him to the video store earlier in the week , but he 'd watched all the movies already , and she hadn 't had time to take him back so he could get more . Standing up , David shut the door and decided to walk across the field to the line of trees and see what was there . The summer sun was warmer than he 'd expected , and David wished he 'd brought something to drink by the time he was halfway across the field . He thought about turning back , but continued forward , eventually reaching the line of trees that bordered the open field . Turning around , he looked back at their house , which seemed so small and low on the land , before walking beneath the cool shade of the trees . The ground near the stream was squishy , but there seemed to be some sort of path , so he followed it , climbing over fallen trees and across grassy spots where the trees parted . Eventually he came to a spot where the stream deepened at what David figured was on old - fashioned swimming hole . The stream widened and for a short time appeared deep and almost still , with a large flat rock on the other side and a fallen tree running along his side of the stream . David sat on the log and took off his shoes and socks , then dipped his feet into the surprisingly cool water . He sat for a while , listening to the breeze , and he was about to get up and start heading back when he heard something or someone approaching . God , he hoped there weren 't any bears out here . For a second he sat still , unable to move as fear gripped him . Managing to get his brain working , David pulled his feet out of the water . He 'd started tugging on his socks and shoes , getting ready to run , when a boy appeared from the woods on the other side , near the rock . David nearly dropped his shoe into the water as he stared silently at the dark haired boy about his own age staring back at him from across the swimming hole . David had known , deep down inside , that he was different from the other boys . For as long as he could remember , he 'd dreamed and fantasized about other boys . At school , he 'd heard the guys talking about girls and which ones were pretty or hot , but they did nothing for him . Now , show him pictures of strong legs and a handsome chest , and he couldn 't seem to pull his eyes away . Instead of girlie magazines under his mattress , he had men 's underwear catalogs . All through school , David had dreaded gym class , afraid something would happen and he 'd get a stiffie in the showers or something equally embarrassing . He 'd had a lot of friends , but they were mostly girls . Staring at this boy with dark hair , deep blue eyes , and what looked like the palest , softest skin he 'd ever seen made David 's mouth go dry and his breath hitch . December 8 , 2012 by Andrew Grey Over the years I 've written a number of Chrsitmas stories , so I thought in order to get ready for the holidays , I 'd feature each of them here on my blog . Last year 's story was A Present in Swaddling Clothes . As I was looking for a story idea , my unmarried sister was regnant with her first child and she requested that if anything happened to her , that I raise her daughter . The prospect was a bit daunting , so I decided to write about it . The result was A Present in Swaddling Clothes . Josh held baby Vivien when she took her first breath in the world , and he has loved every breath she 's taken since . Now Vivien needs a home - a " for real " forever home , and Josh would love to be the one who takes her in . But Josh 's partner , Sammy , isn 't a fan of children of any size or stamp . Will Josh have to choose between being a lover or a parent , or will Josh 's niece work her baby magic on Sammy , giving them all the best Christmas present of all ? " Her eyes are closed , " Josh said as he looked down at the crying , openmouthed baby . The nurse turned down the light , and the tiniest baby Josh had ever seen opened her big blue eyes , and Josh felt his heart begin to melt . The nurse lifted the baby and handed her to Josh , who looked down into that beautiful little face , feeling a tear run down his cheek . Turning around , he showed Nicky her daughter . She couldn 't hold her because they had to finish the surgery , but Josh let Nicky look . " She 's gorgeous , Nicky . " " Hello , Vivian , " Josh said softly , greeting his niece with a smile . He knew she couldn 't smile up at him , but she stopped crying and her eyes closed . " Is something wrong ? " Josh asked . Josh nodded and watched the precious child as he held her , waiting for the doctors and nurses to finish with Nicky . Josh sat on the stool he 'd occupied earlier and let Nicky gaze at her daughter . " You did good , Nicky , really good . " Beyond that Josh didn 't know what to say , and his throat closed around his words . He was holding a new life in his hands . Josh had held babies before , but never like this , and the entire experience sent ripples up his spine when he thought about it . This was his niece , Nicky 's daughter , and as close to a child of his own as he was ever going to come . " Happy Thanksgiving , " Josh said to Nicky with a grin . " I can 't think of anything anyone could possibly be more thankful for than this little one . " Nicky didn 't answer , she simply smiled and stared at her baby . The nurse took Vivian from Josh and carefully cleaned her up before placing her in a fresh blanket and handing her back to Josh . It was a good thing his partner , Sammy , wasn 't there ; he hated the sight of blood . Eventually , once the incisions were closed , they checked Nicky over thoroughly before wheeling her to recovery and then into a room , where Josh was finally able to let his sister hold her baby . Once she was , Josh left them alone to get acquainted , and so Nicky could nurse Vivian . " Is everything okay ? You 've been gone such a long time . Nicky and the baby are okay , aren 't they ? " The questions flew off Sammy 's nervously excited tongue . " Yes . They 're both fine . She gave birth by Cesarean , but they 're both fine now . Nicky 's feeding the baby , and I wanted to take a few minutes to let you know what was happening . Both mother and baby are fine and healthy . It 's going to take Nicky some time before she 's 100 percent , but Mom is coming to stay with her . " Relief flowed through Josh . He knew Nicky was exhausted , but so was he . He had stayed up with Nicky through the long hours of her labor , and he hadn 't slept in over twenty - four hours . He hadn 't felt it until now , but with the adrenaline wearing off , he could barely keep his eyes open . After yawning , Josh told Sammy that he 'd be home as soon as he could before hanging up the phone . Next , he called some friends of Nicky 's and gave them the good news . He had a whole list of people that he 'd been given to call and dutifully made all the calls before pushing open the hospital - room door and peering inside . Nicky was resting back on the bed with Vivian in her arms , and both of them looked as though they were asleep . Josh motioned to one of the nurses , and she came inside and took Vivian to the nursery so Nicky could sleep . " Yes . I 'm going to try to get some sleep , and I 'll be back tomorrow morning . You get some sleep and take care of that beautiful niece of mine . " " I will , " Nicky said with a smile . " You get some rest too . " Nicky took Josh 's hand and squeezed it . " Thank you so much for being here . It meant the world to me . " Nicky began to cry , and Josh handed her a tissue from the bedside table . " You know I wouldn 't have missed this for anything . I 'm never going to have a child of my own , so I intend to spoil yours rotten . " Josh gave her his best grin , and Nicky smiled behind her tissue . " No , I 'm not . The world 's just too hard on you , " Josh said before kissing her again . She released his hand , and Josh walked toward the door . " Call if you need anything , and I 'll see you tomorrow . " " I will , " she promised , and as Josh left the room with a wave , he saw Nicky flash him a smile . Josh made it to his car and began to drive home . He stopped along the way for coffee more than once before pulling in front of his and Sammy 's home , a little more than an hour north from where his sister lived in Baltimore . Josh hadn 't been sure if Sammy would be home from visiting his family yet , and he smiled when he saw Sammy 's car parked in its usual spot . Getting out , Josh walked toward the front door , and it opened as soon as he stepped onto the porch . Once he stepped inside the house , Sammy closed the door and then pulled Josh into a hug . " I have soup for you , and Mom sent some Thanksgiving dinner home along with some of her fresh bread . " Sammy refused to let him go even while he talked , and Josh rested his head on his partner 's shoulder , already feeling the urge to sleep beginning to take over . " Come into the kitchen and eat , then we 'll get you up to bed . " Josh was too tired to answer and simply let himself be led by the hand into the large and immaculately clean kitchen . Josh took a seat at the table , and Sammy moved around the space , opening drawers and cupboards . Josh had no real idea where anything was in this room of the house . He and Sammy had decorated the house together and done most of the work required to bring their century - old house back from near wreck and ruin . A warm bowl of turkey soup with a cream base was set in front of him , and Josh looked to Sammy with a grateful smile . " I love this , " he said and felt Sammy 's hand on his shoulder . " I know you do . That 's why I made it . " Sammy smiled at him and sat at the next seat with a cup of tea . " How did it go ? " " It was rough , " Josh told him as he started to eat , the rich , creamy soup sliding down his throat , comforting from the inside . " The baby wasn 't coming , so they had to do a Cesarean . Nicky 's sore , but she 's doing okay . How was Thanksgiving at your mom and dad 's ? " " It was nice . They both said to say hello and to tell you that Nicky is in their prayers . Mom also sent lots of leftovers , and she baked you a special pumpkin pie . " Sammy took a sip from his cup , and Josh smiled . Mona always took care to make Josh 's favorites . He knew where Sammy got his love of food . In many ways , Sammy was the male version of his mother because , like Mona , he said love with food . " I know , but you had something more important to do . They 'll see you around Christmas , and they said they 'll be down for the Christmas party in a few weeks . Mom asked if she should bring some of her homemade caramel corn , and I told her to bring whatever she 'd like . " " Tomorrow I 'm going to ask Nicky to come . She and the baby can spend the night in the guest room . She 'll be ready to get away by then , and I 'll have the chance to spend some time with Vivian . " An image of her precious blue eyes looking up at him in the delivery room flashed in his mind . Josh knew he would never forget that moment as long as he lived . Taking another sip of soup , Josh gazed at Sammy and saw a touch of fear in his eyes . He knew what that meant and had been expecting it . " Just don 't expect me to … do … anything with the baby . I 'm allergic to dogs , cats , birds , rabbits , children , and I like it that way . " Sammy shook his head stiffly . " Babies scare me , you know that . They 're so small , and I don 't know a thing about them . " He shook his head again . " I know you 've talked about children a few times , but I never realized you were that serious . They scare me to death , and don 't get me started on the pooping , peeing , diapers . Oh , and let 's not forget the puke and projectile vomiting . No . " Sammy continued shaking his head the entire time . " I didn 't say we needed to adopt or have a child of our own . You told me how you felt about children when I first met you , and I 'd never try to make you do anything you really don 't want to do . " Josh took Sammy 's hand . " But you know Nicky is going to need help with Vivian . " " I know . You 'll need to help , and I 'll help too . Just don 't expect me to actually hold or take care of her . Once she 's older , I 'll show her how to cook and we can bake cookies and cakes together , but while she 's at that spit - up stage , she 's all yours . " Sammy grinned , and Josh went back to his soup . Once the bowl was empty , Sammy placed a plate with a piece of pie in front of him , and Josh took a bite of Sammy 's mother 's pie and groaned softly as the creamy pumpkin slid down his throat . " By the way , before I forget , Terry called yesterday , and he said they just got in a lamp that he thought we 'd like . There are pictures on the web . It looks really nice , and I asked him to hold it until you could take a look at it . It 's a newel - post lamp , and it 's never been electrified . It looks like it needs some work , but he says it 's nothing we can 't do . I thought it would look great in the parlor . " " Can we look at the pictures tomorrow ? " Josh said with a yawn as he finished his pie . Now that he 'd eaten , his bed was really calling to him . " Of course . Terry said he 'd hold it until Monday for us , " Sammy said , and Josh pushed back from the table . " Do you want to go right up to bed ? " Sammy asked as he took the dishes to the dishwasher . " I 'll be up soon , " Sammy said from the sink as he finished cleaning up the kitchen . Josh walked up the stairs and into the room they used as a family room . He and Sammy entertained a lot , so the main floor included the formal living room , parlor , and dining room as well as their kitchen . They used the extra bedroom upstairs as their television and media room . After turning on the television , Josh lay down on the sofa and turned on the Food Network . It wasn 't long before his eyes began to drift closed , and soon he felt a hand on his shoulder . Sammy took good care of him , there was no doubt about that . They both worked , but Josh 's days were much longer , and his job as a food - systems engineer involved a lot of travel . Sammy worked close to home , and early in their relationship , Sammy simply took over taking care of their home . With Sammy , everything had a place , and Josh could always find what he was looking for . The bathroom light switched off , and Josh heard Sammy 's footsteps in the now dark room . The door to the closet where they kept the dirty - clothes basket opened and closed . Then Josh felt the bed dip , and Sammy joined him . They didn 't curl together like they used to . After almost fifteen years together , they rarely cuddled in bed anymore . Sammy usually complained that it made him hot and sweaty . Sammy did lean close to him , his warm hand stroking Josh 's cheek , and then Josh felt Sammy 's weight shift as he was kissed good night . " Love you , " Sammy said before kissing him again . Josh returned the kiss . " I love you too . " He felt Sammy hug him for a few seconds , and then Sammy rolled over onto his side , and Josh did the same . They had a good life together . They were settled and very happy . Sammy took good care of him , and he took care of Sammy . Sure , some of the passion had gone out of their relationship after fifteen years , but that was to be expected . December 5 , 2012 by Andrew Grey An Isolated Range released on Monday and its already received two incredible reviews . House Millar awarded it 5 Drops and an Award of Excellence and Mrs . Condit Read Books , awarded it 5 Sweet Peas . Click on the links to read the entire reviews . When veterinary assistant Quinn Knepper sees Marty for the first time , his heart nearly stops . He 's smitten , and Marty appears interested though shy . There are just two problems : Quinn 's father wants him to hide his sexuality from the world , and Marty 's Wyoming Senator father is a homophobe with no idea his son is gay - which Quinn learns when the senator proposes an amendment banning gay marriage . Marty Green sat with the other players on Wyoming 's Brackett College basketball team . The team bench was packed as they all waited for the game to begin . Marty imagined that all the other freshman sitting near him felt the same butterflies in their stomachs that he did . Marty loved basketball - it was one of the honest and true passions in his life . That , and science . He was thrilled to have made the basketball team , even if he was destined to spend much of the season sitting on the bench . Marty knew he didn 't have the talent to make it to the pros or even to get into one of the Division I basketball programs , but he didn 't really care . He played because he loved the game and loved being on a team . He played because it was in his blood , and because there were those times when he and the ball seemed connected , when everything went exactly right . He lived for those times . The starters were called to the court , and Marty watched as they ran out and got into position . Marty felt the excitement inside him ramp up . These were his teammates , and even though he wasn 't playing , energy coursed through him . His legs bounced slightly , and he could feel the blood rushing from head to toe . It was like the energy from the entire crowd had centered on him , and he loved it . The ball was tipped , and play began with his teammates in control of the ball . They raced down the court , dribbling and passing the ball rapidly back and forth in a dance that Marty desperately wanted to be a part of , but he could only wait and hope . A shot was taken , and they scored . The other guys on the bench all turned to one another , smiling , sharing their teammates ' success as they watched , waited , and hoped that they 'd eventually get their turn . They were ahead at halftime . Granted , they were playing Cheyenne , a school slightly smaller than theirs , and one they fully expected to beat . The starters had been rotated out of the game early on , and the second string had still been able to score . The team filed back into the locker room to wait out the halftime while the crowd was entertained by the cheerleaders . After a pep talk , the team returned to the floor and waited for the game to resume . The coach pointed down the bench , and Marty hoped he 'd be chosen , but of course he wasn 't . Play began for the second half with many of their best players resting . One of the starters , Kyle , sat next to Marty , with his friend Pat on the other side . Kyle was a senior and he watched the play with eagle eyes . " He 'll never make the shot , " Kyle said , motioning toward the player from the other team as he was about lift off . " His feet aren 't in the right position and he 's a little off balance . " Sure enough , the ball skimmed around the edge of the rim and then fell back into play , with one of Mike scooping it up and racing full - tilt down the court with the rest of the players behind him . Mike made the shot easily , and Brackett pulled further ahead . Play continued , and Kyle continued his quiet narrative , pointing things out to Marty that he might have missed . " You learn by doing and by seeing other guys ' mistakes , " Kyle said just before throwing the towel he 'd had hanging around his neck onto the bench and hurrying back into the game . Marty watched as the second half continued . They were way ahead now , and as more players came out , Marty heard what he 'd hoped for : " Green , you 're in , " the coach said , and Marty hurried onto the court just as the other team called time . The other team 's players all huddled around their coach , and for a few seconds , Marty thought he could hear what their coach was saying . Everything seemed heightened - the sound of the crowd , the voices of the other players - and as he looked over at his coach , he swore he could hear him telling him to stay in the pocket from all the way across the court . Marty knew he had to be hearing things , that he was so keyed up and hypersensitive about playing in his first college game that he had to be his imagination . The refs signaled the resumption of play , and Marty got his head in the game , paying close attention to the ball and everyone around him . The whistle blew and the ball was in play . Marty knew his assignment and guarded his player while looking for an opening . The ball was passed his way , but one of the other players on his team scooped it off its trajectory and rocketed down the court . Marty followed , his feet pounding on the polished floor , ready to assist if he could , but the shot was good and they scored . Then the other team had the ball , and Marty stayed close to his man when the ball came their way . Marty wasn 't able to get it , but he did manage to bounce it off the other player and out of bounds , forcing a turnover to their team . The ref handed him the ball , and he stepped out of bounds . This was the first time in an actual college game that he 'd had possession of the ball . Marty passed it to Clark and jumped into the play , following the others down the court . Clark passed the ball , and then it was passed back to him . Marty watched as a shot was taken , but it missed and then one of his teammates rebounded the ball and put it back in the basket for a score . They were doing well , but he knew his time was limited . There were others guys who needed their chance to play , and if he wanted to stay in , Marty needed to make something happen . The other team had possession , and he stepped away from his man , watching the ball as it was passed over . Realizing he 'd created the opening , Marty instantly closed it and snatched the ball out of the air . He dribbled it and then began running down the court . He felt almost at one with the ball , blood pumping , legs pounding , arms working as he reached the far side of the court and got into position . Suddenly , almost like a fuse had blown , Marty 's head throbbed and his balance seemed all out of whack . He tried to steady himself with his left arm , but it didn 't seem to want to work . He stopped moving and looked around for a player to pass the ball to , but everything in the room looked distorted . The ball was snatched out of his hand , and Marty could vaguely hear his name being called , but it was like listening through Jell - O and he couldn 't make out anything else . He knew which way the bench was and he took one step . He lifted his left leg and set it down , but he seemed to keep going . He realized he was falling and he could do nothing at all to stop it . He tried , but his muscles ignored the commands his brain sent out , and then he collapsed onto the court . Marty heard activity all around him . He tried to get up but couldn 't . All he could see was the ceiling above him , the celebratory banners waving and then starting to move in weird patterns . He could hear voices around him , but they weren 't making any sense , their words jumbled and all mixed up . Marty couldn 't take the weird sights going on above him , so he closed his eyes , hoping it would help , but it didn 't . The entire world seemed to have gone haywire . He knew people were talking to him , asking him questions that he tried to answer , but even his thoughts seemed mixed up and confused . Finally , he gave up and gave himself over to the people around him . Whatever was going on , he would have to trust that they knew what was happening , because he didn 't . The only thing that seemed to permeate the haze that surrounded him was the sensation of flying . He liked that - it felt good . Marty tried to put out his arms so he could fly faster , but he couldn 't seem to , so he gave up and let himself fly wherever he was going . Slowly , the world got darker , and Marty didn 't fight it . He needed to sleep , and he hoped that after he woke up the world would be right again . " Stay with us , Marty , " someone said , and Marty opened his eyes for a few seconds , but everything was strange and still swimmy , so he closed them again and kept them that way . People said more things to him , but he wasn 't really interested . He didn 't understand most of what they were saying , anyway . All he wanted to do was sleep , and as he gave in to it , the world turned black as Marty embraced the silence . |
I 'm pretty sure Santa won 't be visiting our house this year . Why ? I would think that Santa really loves his reindeer that guide him all over the world on Christmas Eve , and my son is not exactly the most deer friendly of people . . . Barrett was so excited when Daddy came in this morning and told him to come look in his truck . The first words out of Barrett 's mouth when I took him out were , " Deer , Boom ! " So much for my son feeling bad for the critters like I do ! Posted by OK , so it 's been a couple of weeks since my last post , but things have been really busy around here . Barrett has had a lot of fun with the Christmas activities we have already had . He met Santa at the church , and he LOVED him . I 'd post a picture of that , but Barrett also loves messing with everything in the study , so my scanner is not functioning right now . : ) We went to Dallas last weekend to have Christmas with my aunt and her family , and we had lots of fun . Not only was there a lot of entertainment with the people that were there , but Barrett had a blast with the three dogs and three cats that were there too . He actually did really well on the 4 hour drive , but we did have to sing The Wheels on the Bus and the Itsy Bitsy Spider about a million times . Here is a picture of him amusing himself on part of the drive . My dad and Mary are in town and staying with us which means Mary 's two dogs , Digger and Brandy , are here too . Barrett loves seeing the " woof woofs " , and he has figured out that he can feed them his food . So , needless to say , both dogs have been a little ill . . . One of the main perks for Barrett in having the dogs here is Barrett 's latest discovery . This morning I was putting dishes away and I couldn 't find Barrett . It didn 't take long for me to figure out what happened . I 'd write about it , but a series of pictures I took this morning tell it better than I could . ( These are the reinactment photos that Barrett was happy to allow me to take . ) Needless to say , the cover is back on the doggie door . I 've got to run and wrap presents while Barrett sleeps . Last year this was all so much easier ! I don 't know if I 'll be updating again before Christmas , so if not , I hope you all have a blessed Christmas . I realize that I don 't blog that often about being pregnant , but to be honest , sometimes I forget that I am . This pregnancy started off rough , but now things are so easy . ( Besides fitting into clothes ! ) We went to the doctor yesterday , and she said that she 's scheduling us to have the baby on Friday , February 16th . Which means the boys will be exactly 18 months apart ! ( This is assuming that # 2 doesn 't make an early appearance . ) I can 't believe I only have 11 weeks to go , and I have done NOTHING to prepare . I guess we need to get ready . The one major thing we have not accomplished is picking a name . Barrett 's name was so easy , but we just can 't seem to find one we want for # 2 . If I 'm not careful , we 'll end up calling him # 2 forever . ( No , we 're not going to name him Deuce ! ) # 1 has been keeping us busy . It seems like he does something new every day ! Lately he 's been loving brushing his teeth , wearing hats , and making funny faces . This morning , he was sitting on the couch so content , I had to get a picture . Here is one of his new faces . This is his surprised look . He wouldn 't cooperate to show you his new fake smile , but I am sure when we get our family pictures taken tomorrow , he 'll show the photographer . . . Things have been a little crazy around here , but we did have a good Thanksgiving . It was hard for me because this was my first Thanksgiving ever to not see anyone in my family . It was weird not to have the food I was used to having , but I managed to eat plenty anyway ! Here is a picture we took on Thanksgiving of the three of us . I didn 't realize that I was looking so puffy until I saw the pictures . O - well , I guess that comes with being pregnant ! I can 't imagine what I 'll look like in a few months from now ! Barrett loved seeing his Uncle Ray so many times this past week . I had coached him relentlessly so that when Ray was here , he would say his name . Well , I was successful in getting him to say Ray , but he ended up calling Ray 's girlfriend , Kristin , Ray instead . I think he was pretty smitten with Kristin , and since it made her smile , he just kept saying it . I 'm sure he loves his Uncle Ray too , but Ray 's just not as pretty as Kristin . Barrett has always loved the girls ! : ) One of the highlights of our week was seeing Doug 's best friend Justin and his family . He has two adorable little ones , Ryan , who is 3 and a half , and Reagan , who turns 2 in a couple weeks . I enjoyed talking with Justin 's wife , LeeAnn , about dealing with kids being 18 months apart , and Doug just liked having his buddy around . Barrett seemed to really like both of the kids . He really wanted to play with Reagan , but she is in the " mine " phase . She went right to one of Barrett 's toys and started collecting all the balls . When Barrett got near them , she would yell , " mine " . Barrett would just go find her more balls to add to her collection . Later , when Reagan went into the kitchen , Barrett grabbed some of the balls and started saying , " mine . " At first I was concerned that he had picked it up from her , but then we realized he was calling Reagan . Apparently , he decided her name must be Mine since that is all she said . For the rest of the night , LeeAnn and I just giggled as she and Barrett exchanged " mines " meaning completely different things . It was so nicPosted by Barrett escaped the other night when Doug took him out of the bath . He obviously was listening earlier in the night when I was complaining to Doug that I am apparently the only person who knows how to unload the dishwasher . Ok , so it 's not really what I had in mind , but at least he was trying to help . I love the Christmas season , and I would be lying if I agreed with everyone else that the stores start Christmas too early . There is not much I like more than Christmas decorations , so browsing the stores actually puts me in a good mood . Doug , on the other hand , loves this time of year for an entirely different reason . He gets all giddy because it is deer season . He 's been up at 5 something every weekend morning the past two weeks to go look for Bambi 's daddy . He didn 't get to go to Colorado hunting this year , but he is definitely making up for it . So , Barrett has been a perfect blend of Daddy and Mommy lately . Barrett loves all the Christmas stuff out especially the trees . We walk the aisles looking at decorations , and he points , talks and laughs the whole time . It 's almost like having a little me along for the fun , and I get to get a lot more excited because I have a kid with me . When you wander along alone all excited , people look at you weird . Doug has been working hard to teach Barrett what a deer is , and Daddy is very proud that Barrett now points to all things deer and says , " Dee " . The other night , Doug 's work buddy , Marsha , sent Barrett a stuffed deer from the movie Open Season . Doug quickly had Barrett trained to say , " boom , " to the deer , and Doug would then make the deer act like it was dying . Barrett thinks it is hilarious . Now , Barrett can entertain the crowds by being asked , " What do you say to a deer ? " He will answer , " Boom " , usually followed by a " blahhhhh " which is somewhat like the sound Daddy makes for the death scene this stuffed deer keeps reliving . Today is when these two totally opposite new loves combined . I was walking with Barrett out of the nursery at church when he saw a table decorated for Christmas . He pointed and yelled , so I walked him closer . The table was to recruit people to volunteer for something at Christmas time , and as we walked closer , Barrett saw the stuffed reindeer in the middle of the table . As the nice man was trying to tell me about how I could help , Barrett pointed at the Posted by I 've been griping at Doug to get rid of his surplus of t - shirts he wears to the farm to " work " . So , last night , instead of giving me a stack for Good Will or the trash , he brought them into the living room to cut up as rags . I swear , the man can 't throw anything out ! Barrett was more than willing to help Daddy , but was quickly distracted by playing with the pieces . He was running around with shirts over his head and running into things laughing . By the time I got the camera , Daddy had a new use for old t - shirt sleeves . Barrett was just too funny with his new hat and t - shirt over his head . I think Daddy liked the sleeve hat too ! Barrett seemed to like Halloween , but mainly because it involved suckers . We only went to a few houses on our street because even though the weather wasn 't too hot like I was worried about , but the mosquitos were TERRIBLE ! So , we made a quick trip then we came back in to give out candy instead . Barrett liked the trick or treaters when they came to the door , but he cried and screamed when they left . Hopefully , we are done for the night because I can only handle so many mini fits . Ok , now we are having a fit because Daddy turned off Wee Wees ( Wiggles ) . Ahhhh ! ! Happy Halloween ! Yesterday was a big day for Daddy ! Doug finally really won the battle for the official haircut . I had really wanted to take Barrett to a place where he sat in a cool little car with all the cute little kiddo decor , but Doug insisted he go to the barber shop . I am only going to say this once , and please don 't ever tell Doug . Daddy was right . It was a great experience . Larry , the man who cut Barrett 's hair , also gave Doug his first haircut on November 18th , 1978 . How do I know this ? Dorothy , Doug 's mom , kept the best baby book ever , so I know EVERYTHING about Doug 's childhood . ( That is a whole other blog I could write . ) Larry had cut Doug 's hair earlier in the week , and he knew we were coming . He was so sweet to Barrett , and he was excited because Barrett was the 5th generation that Larry had given haircuts to . It 's hard to compare the experience at Kids Cuts to that ! Barrett was great for most of the haircut . He got a little irritated after a while , but he never screamed , cried , or tried to get away . Larry solved all the squirming issues with a lollipop . After it was all finished , Larry gave Barrett a certificate that said he was officially out of babyhood . ( sidenote : The certificate had a copyright of 1972 which means Doug should of had one , BUT it is not in his baby book ! So , I will actually have one thing for Barrett that Dorothy didn 't keep ! : ) Although , either Allen had taken Doug and threw it out or Dorothy will read this , dig through filing cabinets , and deliver it to me in the next few days . ) He looks like such a big boy with his new haircut ! I love cold fronts ! I love when the weather starts getting cold for so many reasons . When it gets cold , I know Christmas is getting closer , I have so much more energy , I don 't have to change twice a day because I got all sweaty just walking into Target , but mostly , it is because I love pajamas . I know I can wear jammies all year , but for some reason , they are better with cold weather . Now that I have a child , cold weather is even better . Since we are having a cold front tonight and my house might be chilly in the morning , Barrett HAD to wear jammies tonight . He always wears jammies , but long pants and sleeves are so much cuter . I mean , seriously , how cute is he ? He loves these new jammies because there are broom - brooms , aka cars , all over them . He kept pointing at the legs and saying , " broom , broom ! " You can somewhat tell in this picture that is what he is saying . Ok , so maybe I am getting ahead of the weather here , but I couldn 't wait anymore . Don 't worry , he won 't melt . The AC is on in case the front doesn 't happen , and we put him to bed with the fan on . I realize this is a lot of trouble for a pair of pajamas , but he is SO cute in them . : ) I have no proof of what I am about to say , but I am pretty sure Barrett snuck out last night . I 'm not sure where he went , how he got there , who was with him , or any other details , but he had to of done something . How do I know ? 1 . He went to bed , without argument , at 9 : 30 which is somewhat early for him . 2 . I heard talking in the middle of the night . I assumed it was someone outside , and I ignored it . Obviously , it was a group of Barrett 's friends . 3 . The real proof : It is 11 : 03 a . m . , and Barrett is still asleep . He NEVER sleeps for 13 + hours . So , my kid must have snuck out . When I was young , the only reason I would sleep until 11 : 00 is because I was out all night . Ok , he might also be getting sick , but to be honest , I 'd rather think he was out partying than think he 's coming down with something . I am going to get back to the laundry while I can . . . We survived the appointment , and by we , I mean me . The assortment of doctors were nothing but wonderful . They obviously know what they are doing . They all came in at once and asked some initial questions , and then they took turns coming in one at a time . Overall , it was a great experience , and I think they will help skinny man gain some weight . The only scare came with the MD doctor . After talking about all of Barrett 's eating , pooping , playing , and sleeping habits , she said she wanted to do a test for cystic fibrosis because apparently he has a number of the indicators . I 'm not sure I heard much else she said . It 's a good thing Doug was with me . Luckily , when I got home , I called my OB and she said that I had the CF test with all the fertility genetic testing . I am not a carrier , so Barrett can 't have it . I called the doctor , and she canceled the test . : ) They inquired about everything Barrett has ever eaten , and they didn 't act like we had done anything wrong . The nutritionist was my favorite , and she had some great ideas . I don 't know what will work , but we 're willing to try anything . The main change has already gotten Barrett 's stamp of approval . All of his bottles now must have carnation instant breakfast in them which doubles the calories . I gave him his first bottle this afternoon . He immediately sucked down the whole thing , and then came the real entertainment . I asked him if he wanted more , and he said and signed , " more " . When I reached for the bottle , he screamed ! He then turned away with the bottle , took it over to his Mater truck , put it in the seat 's compartment , and ran away pushing Mater . I think he liked it so much that he was scared to give up the magic bottle . So , I got a different bottle , and made more . When I gave it to him , he tasted it , laughed , and drank the whole thing . I think it is safe to say that the first weight gain plan is going well . We 'll see how he adjusts to the meal time changes suggested by the behavioral lady . I don 't think he 'll be as thrilled . So , for now , we 'll make the suggestedPosted by Barrett started off a big baby at 9 pounds . He remained in the 95th percentile until he was 9 months old . Somehow , he went from the 95th percentile at 6 months to the 5th at 9 months old . The doctors were mildly concerned until recently when he actually started losing weight . Apparently it is now a much bigger deal because tomorrow we are headed to a special grow clinic at Texas Children 's Hospital that he had to be accepted into . At first I thought it was a great idea because Texas Children 's is the best , but I am worried about so many things . Will they blame Doug and I ? Will they find something really wrong ? Will I be able to figure out where to park ? I hate feeling like I am constantly being interrogated about how I feed my child . Do people really think we haven 't tried to feed him anything and everything ? It seems like everyone has an opinion on how we could be better parents if we just did what they 've come up with . I know people mean well , but I 've had enough . So , obviously I am dreading an appointment with all the experts . Ok , with that said , I am sure the pregnancy hormones aren 't helping here not to mention being scared something real could be wrong . I really do want to go tomorrow , but it 's hard to admit something is wrong with your child . He 'll see a nutritionist , speech therapist , behavioral psychologist , and a real MD doctor , and I know we 're lucky to have such an assortment of experts to work with . Hopefully we 'll get some info tomorrow , but I really have no idea what to expect . I 'll update as soon as I can . Ok , I 'm not the worst house keeper in the world , and a lot of my friends laugh when I say my house is a wreck . I realize in comparison to most the world , my house is actually really clean , but most the world didn 't grow up with my mom . Our house growing up was always spotless . I didn 't even know what dust was until I went off to college , seriously , I didn 't . I have no idea how my mom managed to get it all done , especially laundry . Laundry never piled up in our hampers . It never sat in the utility room for more than a day . I 'm sure my mom never had to wash a load twice ( or more ) because it mildewed in the washer before she got around to drying it . Last night , I thought of my clean - crazy mom . I washed and dried something I 'm sure she never did . I was unloading a load of Barrett 's stuff ( yes , it has been washed twice ! ) including his amazing nap mat cover that ironically my mom bought for him . I noticed that on his mat was this weird clear jelly looking stuff . I was panicked that somehow I had ruined the nap mat that Barrett loves and that mom spent too much money on . I called Doug in and he was inspecting the odd jelly that we realized was all over everything in the load . He sniffed it , mushed it , and almost tastedit before he told me to not put the nap mat in the dryer in case this jelly stuff could ruin it . I put the rest of the load in the dryer and put the nap mat over a chair in the kitchen . As I was trying to go to sleep , I was trying to figure out what could have been in with his clothes . It 's not like Barrett keeps things in his pockets , and even if he did , they are too small for this much jelly stuff . I finally gave up and went to sleep . This morning as Doug was getting ready for work with Barrett at his feet , I went to make breakfast and unload the dryer . It was then that the great mystery was solved . I washed and dried a diaper . I have no idea how I put a diaper in the washer and transferred it to the dryer without noticing . Especially since I had inspected the clothes in the dryer for jelly before I ran it . I alPosted by Our neighbor Sydney was over today to play with Barrett , and it seemed like she was constantly yelling , " Help me ! " Barrett was trying to run her over pushing Mater , and he was being quite successful . I 'm sure the bruises on her legs will pop up tomorrow . In an attempt to distract him , she had me turn on Wiggles . They danced and laughed for a while , but then Sydney made a big mistake . She sprawled out on the floor , which to Barrett means an open invitation to attack . Her second attempt at distraction was to ask him where his nose is . He quickly stuck his finger up his nose and pulled out a booger . She laughed until he used the same booger covered finger to show her where her own nose was . Sydney then decided that reading together on the couch would be the best , least painful option . Barrett had her read him the same book over and over again . He would use his sign language for " more " everytime she tried to close the book . Barrett is really getting into reading books even though he doesn 't have the patience to wait on all the words to be read . After reading to him for what seemed like forever to a four year old , Sydney informed me that she was sure he was ready for a nap . He sure loves his NeeNee as he calls her , and I love her too because she can wear him out ! Posted by My favorite thing lately is watching Barrett with Doug . He is definitely a Daddy 's boy , but it is the changes in Doug that I love the most . At night , when he thinks I 'm not paying attention , Doug sits with Barrett in the glider and reads books to him . It is so fun to listen to Doug read in different voices and ask Barrett questions about what they see . I actually like it so much that sometimes I tell Doug I need to go to sleep early , so I can sit in bed and listen to him read through the baby monitor . This may not be a major thing for a lot of you mommies out there , but anyone who knows Doug will understand why it is a something I wouldn 't expect . In other Barrett happenings , he still LOVES Mater . He wakes up in the morning looking for him . He also loves the Wiggles still . He will grab the remote and say , " Wee wee , " and if we don 't quickly turn it on , he gets mad ! This afternoon , we were all lazy watching football . Doug started playing with Barrett 's hair as he commented that he needs a haircut . Needless to say boredom took over , and Barrett was sporting a new do in no time . It 's funny now , but when he 's fifteen I 'll die if he does this ! : ) Barrett finally is starting to walk . He has been taking one or two steps , but not consistently . On Tuesday , which was my birthday , he started walking . He went from one or two wobbly steps to walking across the room . He is so proud of himself ! I 'm not sure how great of a birthday gift it is , but I was so excited for him . He still tends to use crawling as his main transportation , but he likes his walking too . I 've tried to capture the Frankenstein like walking on film , but it 's not easy when he is walking right to me . Here is the best shot I 've gotten . Barrett also loves to go outside . He is definitely his father 's son . The other day we had been playing almost all day inside , and I guess he decided it was time to get out . He took a box that was in the living room and pushed it to the door , and then he made his attempt . After he saw the flash , he knew he was busted ! I guess I need to buy the anti - kid door knob things . . . Last night Doug and I were watching tv , and Barrett was amusing himself playing in the living room . One of Barrett 's favorite pastimes is climbing on me . So , it didn 't take long for him to be on the couch treating me like a jungle gym . He started playing with my feet which normally would bug me , but lately , he 's been jumping on my ever growing belly so the " break " was nice . I was pretty much ignoring him ( I know , bad mommy ! ) until I realized what he was doing . He was wiggling my little toe and saying , " Wee wee wee . " I started waving at Doug to get his attention before Barrett stopped , and the both of us were cracking up . Since we were laughing , Barrett started laughing too . I asked him if he was playing piggies with Mommy 's toes , and he started wiggling my big toe and dancing . While he did that , I started the whole little rhyme . He actually did the whole thing right . He thought it was really funny ( so did we ) . He would clap for himself like he had just accomplished something incredible . I think Doug was more impressed than Barrett was . * * I did take that opportunity to point out what Barrett and I obviously do all day long since sometimes Daddy thinks Mommy is watching soaps and eating bon bons . : ) I finally got around to getting Barrett 's 1 year pictures taken today . This picture should tell you exactly how it went . After we finished pictures , Dorothy , who was with us , wanted to buy him a shirt at the Gap that said , " Little Terror " . Need I say more ? Yesterday was such a nice day here . Even though the high was in the 90s , there was no humidity , so we spent a lot of the day outside . Once Sydney got home from school , she and Barrett played in the front yard in his pool while the mommies layed in the shade and enjoyed the nice weather . At first Barrett wasn 't thrilled , but once Sydney reminded him how to splash , he had a ball attacking her . Barrett lasted a lot longer that I thought he would , and he definitely had a good time . When they finished in the water they joined us in the mat in the shade for a snack . We had fun playing with Barrett 's hair . It 's amazing what you can make it do when it is wet . I just can 't see why Doug keeps insisting he needs a haircut . What would I do to amuse myself after every bathtime ? Barrett started school yesterday , and to say he liked it would be an understatement . We loaded up his nap mat , lunch box , and backpack , and he seemed to know something good was going to happen . He sat with his stuff by the door almost begging me to hurry . Here he is waiting on his mommy . When we got to the church , he was so happy . Then , when we got to his class , he lunged at his teacher and went right to her . She put him down to play while I filled out a little paperwork , and he NEVER looked back . He was the first one there , and he was perfectly fine having all the toys to himself . As I finished my paperwork , a few other kids arrived . He seemed excited with each new arrival . Since he was fine , I was happy to run and enjoy my free day ! I really got nothing impressive accomplished , but it was great to have time alone for a change . When I went to pick him up , they said he had a great day . He was so happy ! As we walked down the hall to leave , he was waving and talking to everyone . He even continued his socializing as we shopped a little on our way home . I am so relieved that he obviously loves with his new little world ! ( Besides , I am thrilled with some guilt free alone time ! ) We had Barrett 's birthday party on Saturday , and it was wonderful ! Even though it poured down raining when we were planning for most of the party to be outside , it all went great ! ( Excluding the wasted money on the tent , balloons , table coverings and the wasted time Doug and his family spent working on the yard , flower beds , and repainting and repairing the club house in the backyard . ) Barrett definitely had a perfect day . He was happy from the moment the first guest arrived until he passed out 7 hours later . Some of our friends had to come early due to other commitments , and when Emma and Barrett saw their daddies and Uncle Ray walk outside , they wanted out too . They were quickly distracted by the balloons . At 4 : 00 , when the party really began , Barrett was thrilled with the arrival of lots of little kids . Since the rain hit right at 4 : 00 , Doug 's parent 's living room was full of kids playing . I thought Barrett would be overwhelmed by the chaos , but he was laughing and smiling from ear to ear . Since he was in a good mood , we decided to give him his cake before we even served dinner . When Doug put his bib on , he was not happy . I think he was really mad that we interrupted his playing . Nana , Doug 's mom , bought him the cutest bib . I took a picture before hand because I was sure my little bulldozer would ruin it with icing . ( Notice the " happy " expression . He wanted Mommy to save him . ) We put him in the high chair , and he was MAD ! BUT , I was confident that once he tasted the icing , he would realize he wanted to be there . He wouldn 't touch it . He just looked at his audience and begged for someone to save him . Daddy finally gave him a little icing , and his expression completely changed . He was happily waiting for Daddy to give him more . Doug tried putting Barrett 's finger in the cake , but he didn 't want that . So , we gave him a spoon . Apparently , he didn 't want dirty hands . When he would clean off the spoon , he would hand it to me or Daddy to put back in the cake . Then , he would lick it clean again . Doug tried taking the spoon awayPosted by Barrett had fun eating his cake tonight even though he was in a BAD mood . Maybe he 'll get into it more at his party on Saturday . His favorite part of his birthday was his newest discovery . . . Who needs new toys when you have toilet paper ? With everyone heading back to school this week , I 've realized summer is over . While summer doesn 't have as much meaning for me as it used to when I was teaching , I still can 't believe it is gone . ( Although , the 100 degree weather doesn 't know it is ! ) I had big plans this summer . Barrett and I were going to hang out at Cindy 's pool , Barrett was going to get to see his cousin 's a bunch , we wanted to go see my Aunt 's lakehouse , Barrett would take his first trip to the beach , and Doug and I wanted to plan a trip to Corpus Christi to watch my cousin , Mark , play baseball with the CC Hooks . Well , summer is gone , and none of this happened . Instead , I was parked on the couch moaning or in the bathroom on the floor , Barrett entertained himself around the house as best he could , Doug worked , and my Dad and Mary came in for a month to take care of me and Barrett . Sounds fun , huh ! The good news is I am slowly getting better . I am thirteen weeks pregnant today , and with the help of Zofran ( and Tylenol for the headache the Zofran causes ) , I have actually left the house the past few days . So , now that I am " better " , I am BUSY . Barrett 's first birthday is tomorrow , and his party is Saturday . The to do list for that is ridiculous ! And if that wasn 't enough , Barrett starts Mother 's Day Out next week , but with that comes getting all his stuff together . Barrett is waking up so I have to run . Here is a picture of Barrett with the treat his Daddy gave him last night . He loves his Daddy ! |
This is the last of my siblings born to both my mother and my father . The picture to the right shows of all of us . The last sister I write about is ninety years old now and just as feisty as she always has been . She is also the only one who openly defied our father . Her name is Barbra . She loves being called Barbie ! When she gets upset her eyes get very large she inhales a deep breath and look out , you are going to get verbally accosted . Sometimes her fists are clenched and her tongue slips to the corner of her mouth just enough so you know she has one . Look out ! She 's mad ! However , just like most Leos , she is easily calmed down and a little TLC brings a silly smile to her face as though she too wonders why she exploded . A heart of gold beats inside her . She is there for you no matter what . She will put her own plans aside if it means helping you out . She loves socializing and dancing . She still gets out often to play cards with her friends . Barbie was probably the best mother of all . She took very good care of her children and especially one child who was born with a problem . She spent hours doing physical therapy for him so he would be able to walk . Barbra had five children in all . Her faults were that she was a terrible house keeper . Lost one husband because of it . Don 't ask how many husbands there were . She might not want me to enter that information . Another bad habit she had , and I do not think she knew it , was that she had no qualms about inviting herself anywhere . If she heard you talking about going somewhere , she would just up and say , " Oh , I 'll go too ! " Never , " Is there room for one more , or is it all right if I come ? " Just , I will go also ! " At times we had to hurt her feelings when there wasn 't room or we just wanted certain people along , and she never understood that . Barbra 's other fault was that she had poor judgement in men , and she could never be without one . Earlier I said she defied my father , and she did . At seventeen my dad had forbid her to see this fellow she was going out with . She did not Posted by My father always told us we were descendants from the French royal family . His father was born in Alsace - Lorraine , France , so maybe he was right and maybe not . I really do not know . His cousin who gave us the rocker , went to France to look up the family tree , but I never knew the outcome of that trip . However my sister ( whom I shall call R . V . ) took it all to heart and was sure that is who we were , descendants from the French throne . Therefore she was dubbed with the nickname , " Queenie " whenever one of us thought she was too high and mighty for her own good . She did actually think she was a bit superior to the rest of us . She always carried herself well , dressed well , and gave the impression of being aloof . Her first impression of people was a raised eyebrow . She never participated in doing menial jobs . That was left to the rest of us . She either feigned illness or she planned a fainting spell . No matter what , it always worked for her . I have told before her fainting stories , so I will not repeat that . When she was grown and on her own , you never wanted to drop in on her without first calling or you would be greeted at the door very coolly . On rare occasions she might greet you with a smile , but not often unless you called first and made sure she would be available for a visit . She did however , love all of us and if we needed help she was always there for us . Her advice was always sensible and good . Sometimes she was a peacemaker between sisters . My younger sister will tell you how good R . V . was to her . One Christmas . Roo had invited all of us for Christmas dinner , but had said the younger one , ( Barb ) was not invited because Roo said she had too many kids . She had five . In that case R . V . ( who had four kids ) decided to stay home , cook dinner , and invite Barb to her house . I heard they had a great time . My sister R . V . was not the best mother in the world . Most of the parental upbringing was left to the rest of us . Myself , Roo , and my mother , had all taken turns in the rearing of her children . She would just drop Posted by I fear I have given the wrong idea to some of my blog followers . I therefore want to set the record straight before continuing . When I started writing this blog it was to release some pent up feelings I had about some of the ways I was parented . I certainly did not mean to imply my parents did not love me . Some of the things said and done left its mark on me , as I am sure it has done for a lot of you out there also ! My mom and dad were very proud of my talent in theatrics and poetry and a short stint on the radio . They told me often about that . My parents just did not realize how hurtful some things were to a child . Maybe I should not have written this blog if I have given some the wrong idea . I probably should not have been bearing my soul so much ! I don 't want people to be sorry for me . I just want them to know how some things can affect a child . Parenting does not come with an instruction booklet and most parents make mistakes along the way . Sensitive kids like me can be affected without parents even knowing it . I sure do not mean to come off looking like an abused kid and some kind of hero for telling how I feel . Wow ! That was not my intention at all . Mom and dad did a lot of nice things for me as well . I can remember as a teenager being mouthy to my mom when she did a big favor for me that I had asked her to do , and then I mouthed off to her because it did not turn out exactly like I wanted . I know that must have hurt her when she had put her heart into it ! When I was going to college , dad let me drive his car until he got me my own Model A Ford . It was mine , all mine ! There are a lot of good stories to tell , but that was not the purpose of this blog . It was just to air what had been brought into my adulthood from childhood and how it has affected my life . It was certainly not to make my parents look bad or my siblings . I by no means was a perfect child . If you think I am going to tell you how naughty this little girl was , well I am not . That is a story some one else should tell from looking at me through thPosted by The more I write the more I see my family as being dysfunctional . I did not know that before . I worry about what I am going to find when I start describing " myself as I see me . " Maybe I should beware of walking that path . Oh no ! What is good enough for my siblings is good enough for me . I will take my lumps . OW ! Back to the subject at hand . My oldest sister , I am giving a nickname to , as it is easier to write with a name than saying she or he all the time . From now on she will be known as " Roo . " This woman was a diversity , a complex person . Whether you believe in the signs of the zodiac or not , she was definitely a true Gemini . Roo had two faces and most people who knew her saw the nice one . She was so very clever , it was hard to distinguish who she was at any given moment . Roo would say to you , something like , " Do you not think that person should have worn a dress to this function instead of a pant suit ? " No matter what you say in response , she would keep on the subject and give reasons as to why you should agree with her , until you finally do , or at least say , " You could be right . " That would be what she wanted to hear and would later tell that person , " You know so and so said you should have worn a dress instead of a pant suit . " It was easier for her to deliver her message that way than to be bold enough to pass on her opinion in the first place . I have seen and heard Roo do this so many times and more than once I was her victim until I caught on , or was approached by the other person and had to wiggle my way out . My mom favored her , at least that is what we always believed , until our mom told a friend one time that " My girls think Roo is my favorite , but that is not true . A mother always protects her weakest . " The friend passed this on to one of my sisters . Well , in her protection of Roo , she passed on great pain to the rest of us . Here is an example . A day came when my mom asked me to take her to my lawyer as she wanted to make out a new will now that my dad had passed on . During the process of relating what sPosted by Although my oldest sister said she and my brother were closer to each other than the rest of us , it was me to whom my brother came when he wanted advice . My father did such a poor job of raising him that he was very limited in relationships with women . He just did not know how to treat them and therefore ended up very lonely until his senior years . Since dad was such a " bad boy , " he was going to make sure his son did not turn out like him . He drilled it into him that you did not sleep with females until after you were married . One night my brother came home late from a date and my dad rushed him to the hospital emergency at the wee hours to have a doctor check him out for anything being wrong . Can you imagine ? I just wish I could have been there to hear the doctor 's response to that one . My brother lost the love of his life because he would not sleep with her until they were married . She broke it off because of it . Actually , maybe he was lucky if she was not willing to wait . He was a hard worker , and always dreamed of making it big . He entered contests and invented crazy things , all of this thinking it would open doors . He was very religious , and very opinionated . He was stubborn and would argue with you at the drop of a hat . He also had a temper , but it just came out verbally . He was not one to share . He never wanted to give anything away to anybody and he was a pack rat . He saved most everything , magazine , papers , cottage cheese and butter tubs . To his credit he used some of the tubs to plant starter flowers or veggies , but the rest were stored . He was not keen on showers or bathing . What he learned in childhood , he carried over into his adult life . Since we were poor and lived during the depression we had to save on water and electricity , so we could only have a bath in a big galvanized tub , once a week . I am positive my brother had Parkinson 's disease early in his life , but no one did anything about the obvious symptoms of something being wrong . When he was in high school he used to fall asleep doing his homePosted by The first time I saw him was when he was dancing at a local night club . He looked so good on the dance floor and I really wanted to dance with him . I waited until my date went to the rest room and I hurried over to where he sat and said , " Can I dance with you ? " He looked up at me from where he was sitting and said , " I don 't know if you can follow me or not . " Oh , my gosh , what egotism ! This guy likes himself ! I smiled and said , " Try me . " Well , we danced to a fast piece and did what was called " the jitter bug . " He was from New York and so he called it " the swing . " Whatever you call it we did it , and it was like we had danced together forever . That is what we did ! Dance together forever . At least for the next forty two years . He was thirty one years old and had never been married . He said he just had not met the right girl . I was thirty five , had been married before and had two boys . He decided he had met the right girl and having a ready made family was not a deterrent . We married January 19 , 1958 and for the next forty two years he told me every day of my life that he loved me . Some days he would say , " Did I tell you I loved you today ? " If I said , " No , " then he would repeat it , and if I said , " Yes , " he would say , " Well I will tell you again . " My guy was of Spanish - Irish decent , and his dad was born in Barcelona , Spain . My family did not believe that and said he was Mexican , or as they say now days , Hispanic . My father had taught us that any time someone says they are Spanish , that means they are Mexican . Well , sorry daddy dear , but I saw my husband 's dad 's citizenship papers and he was from Barcelona , Spain . Why did it make a difference ? Who knows except it sounds like he was a bigot , does it not ? Well , one sister said my marriage would not last six months and another called him a " spic . " That is an ugly name for a Mexican , which he was not , but it made her feel better about herself . Not far into the marriage he wanted to adopt the boys . I told him that was a big responsibility , and it carried a lot of scary stufPosted by Before going on with my feelings about my brother and sisters , I should tell you some important facts about me . I was in the second grade when my parents took me to the doctor and was told to take me out of school for a year or they would be dealing with a child with Saint Vidus Dance . That is a type of nervous disorder . I did not have it , but they were told I was on the verge of getting it . This is important for you to know as I am going to tell you about a more serious disorder I had later in life that nobody paid much mind to and I did not seek help for myself either . All my life I had been told I was a " naughty little girl . " I was told that so often by every member of my family that I finally believed it myself . To this day as an eighty six year old woman I still feel I may be a naughty little girl and it is so very hard for me to accept gifts or compliments because I do not think I deserve them . I was a grown woman with children of my own and my mother and older sister were still calling me that everytime I did not conform to their wishes . It was not just my parents who instructed me to do things , I had four siblings that were my bosses also . In my adult life when I told my doctor I almost had Saint Vidus Dance and that I did not understand why as they all spoiled me , he became very angry . He said , " They did not spoil you , they used you ! You were a toy they took turns playing with . You became so distraught as to whom you should obey that confusion lead to anxiety . " I have no idea if he was right or wrong , but I do know it was a relief to hear I was not as bad as I thought I had been . The problem I was referring to earlier was just as shameful to me as it could be and I had no control over it either . When I became too stressed out , usually from a verbal altercation with one of them , I would drop whatever was in my hands and start screaming and running through the house , picking up whatever I could find , throwing it across the room and just running and running until some one grabbed me and hit me . I would thenPosted by Here is a little bit about how I felt about each of my sisters and one brother . Of course I am telling you right away that I absolutely loved them all , but there were times when I did not like some of them so very much . My oldest half sister was such a jewel . As the old saying goes , " she would give you the shirt off her back if you asked . " There was not much she couldn 't do either . She could take a hammer and nail in hand and build something , she could fix a car and she did not hesitate to crawl under one to do it . She did not fare so well in her love life though , and she did not take good care of herself and therefore died at an early age . I do not know exactly how old she was , but I have determined she was in her fifties . It seems like she was fifty five . She was a heavy drinker and all her many boy friends were drinkers also . She got along very well with them until she married , and then it all fell apart . Four husbands she had . When she died there was a long list of ailments on her death certificate that claimed to contribute to her death . A truly beautiful person with a heart of gold and a love of people cut down way too early from the abuse of the bottle . The next oldest half sister was equally as beautiful , not necessarily in looks , but inside her heart and soul . I have to say , she was the prettiest of the three though , cute and perky . She had such a delightful way about her . When she greeted you it made you feel so very special because it was so genuine . Almost like she had not seen you in years . Now here was another talented lady . Not much she could not do either . She would always say , " I can do that ! " and she did ! She took hammer in hand and helped put shelves up in her daughter 's gift shop and helped prepare it for a grand opening . In the way of crafts , you name it and she did it . We are most amazed at her paintings though , which she did up into her nineties . I did not meet her until I was about fourteen years old but we seemed to have a closeness to each other whenever we had a chance to meet . When shePosted by Coming down from the mountains yesterday , one of my boys reminded me of a funny story I used to tell them . I thought maybe it would be fun to write about it and post it for someone else to enjoy ! It was back in the forties , and I was in my twenties looking for a new job to do besides waitress work . One of my sisters and I decided to apply for a job at the egg processing plant where they candled eggs . I will explain that in a minute . Eggs were delivered to more places than just the grocery store . You might be surprised to find out where they all went . We were thrilled to find out we were both hired . Because we were inexperienced we had to start from the bottom and work our way up . The first thing we had to do was paste labels on boxes . Besides not being very exciting to do , it was also very messy . It was not hard to get yourself all glued up . Thank goodness we only had to do that for a few days until they had us go into the candling room . We each had a booth where a box of eggs were put in front of us and there was a little light in front , just about in line with our sight when we held the eggs up , I would say a little bit above shoulder height . There also were several egg boxes for the different grades of eggs . By that I mean eggs that were small , medium , or large . Until you learned to know the sizes , there was a scale you could use . Then there were boxes for eggs with blood in them , or long thread like worms . Bet you did not know eggs had all these things in them . Ugh ! We had to learn how to tell what size an egg is and also how to hold four eggs in your two hands , check out the right hand egg under the light , then check out the left hand egg under the light while you are rotating the egg in your right hand to the lower part of your hand while pushing the lower one to the top of your hand . Do the same with the other hand and then deposit them in the correct boxes and grab four more . When you put them to the light you can see into the egg and discover any thing that should not be there or give it the O . K . for beiPosted by It is funny how when you get older , and I do mean older , I am talking over seventy , you start recalling things that happened in your youth . Most of the time , they are not even about me . Just some little thing that happened and you start thinking about it . Right now I am remembering when a homeless man came and knocked on our back door . They did not call them homeless back then . They were either hobos or they were tramps . It is true that some of them even road the boxcars on the railroads and traveled from town to town . Well , getting back to the story , he knocked and my dad answered . He said he was hungry and could we possibly give him some food . He did not ask for money or a handout of any kind , just some food . My dad said he would never let a man go hungry , but the guy would have to earn it first . He did not fuss or get angry , he just said , " What do you want me to do ? " My dad said there was some wood to be cut out by the chicken coop and the guy could cut some of it up while mom fixed him a hearty breakfast . He cut and mom cooked . She made bacon , eggs , potatoes , and pancakes . She brewed him some coffee also . That poor guy ate like he was starving , which he probably was . Now I would have fed him , and I would not have made him work for it , but my dad was a stickler for believing that nothing is ever for free . Sometimes the homeless would mark your house somewhere so that others seeking help would know if you were a kind person or not . If my father was approached on the street for money , he would never give it , but would take the person in to the nearest eatery and pay the waitress to give him something to eat . We were not rich by a long shot , but we were never so poor we couldn 't share . I can remember standing in line with my dad while he waited for a hand out of dried beans and whatever else they were giving during the depression . I guess I remember the beans most because mom would soak them in water and we would pick out all the stuff that floated to the top and ran our hand through them to also take out aPosted by She was the first person I saw when I walked in the room . She was the first person everybody saw when they walked in the room . Long black hair poofed a bit and a large , I mean large , white flower in her hair . She wore black eye make - up that made you take a second look . When you got to know her it was like that eye make up was a big part of who she was . One day she told me her daughter had suggested it was a little bit too much and I said , " I know " She said " You knew it too and did not tell me ? " Well duh ! " That is who you are and I was not about to take who you are away from you . " She toned it down a bit , but it soon crept back . Little kids by her side and waiting to be seen by the clinic doctor . That is where we first met . It was at the County hospitals children 's clinic . I had my son with me and we were all there for , I don 't know , check up , or shots , or whatever , I do not remember , but there we were . She had that Hawaiian look about her , and why wouldn 't she ? That is where she was from . Her father had served in the service and was stationed there . From that day in the hospital we became the best of friends . I have so many memories of her , and with her , that I have to share some of them . Many a time she would call me on the phone and say , " What are you having for dinner tonight ? " Neither one of us were very flush with money and so we would put our dinners together and dined as though we were . First at her house and then at mine . I was working as a waitress at the Flamingo hotel and she came over while I was at work and cleaned my whole house including scrubbing and waxing the floors . Another day she came over and weeded my yard and mowed my lawn . When I married my Bobby Joe she threw us a house warming . No one has ever made me laugh like she could . She had the most wonderful and sometimes off color sense of humor , but on her it just did not seem offensive . She laughed so heartily that you could not help joining in . When I invited her to go with me to functions she would ask me , " Do you want me to show class , or coPosted by We took everything out of the spare room and prepared it for mom . Boy , that room has been home to a lot of people since we have had the house and there were a lot that came after mom . That room even at one time was made into Bob 's bar , and what a lot of stories I could tell about that . What a nice little room it is ! However I always felt it was not that nice to my mother . She wanted to be in her home with my brother , but she could not . She had reached the point where she needed more care and help than he could give her . I tried to make it as comfortable and nice for her as I possibly could . She did not bring much with her . She brought her clothes , her jewelry , her bathroom needs , and her chair ! Since she was often times cold , we put her chair in front of the heater . I can still see her sitting there now . She had a little shawl sister Barb had crocheted for her and that was placed over her knees . A lot of the time she placed her elbows on the rockers arms and let her head rest on the palms of her hand . She looked at television on occasion , but said she could not hear it or that it was silly . She appeared to be in deep thought most of the time and I suspect she was reviewing her life and enjoying her memories . Oft times she would call my name to have me come in and listen to something she remembered , or as she would say , " Babe , I was just thinking …… ! There were wonderful times when I would sit on the floor and listen to her stories . The best one was about her trip across the Oregon Trail . She also talked about my three half sisters and her life with her first husband . She told of how she walked miles to town as a young girl and it took all day to get there and back . Sometimes she got to ride horse back into town or to the neighbors . On occasion , with the parents , they took the horse and buggy . One story that always confused me was the one she told , when she was married to my dad , of my dad packing her and the kids up and taking her someplace to camp while he was on a business trip . Camping with all of us kiPosted by Before I go any farther , I would like to clear up a couple of things . This I should have clarified from the beginning , but when I get something in my head to say I just cannot stop the fingers on the keyboard . Then the thing that should have been said has gone . However , lucky for me , I have a return mode that comes on and nudges me to go back . Wait a little bit and I will return to the story . First , perhaps you noticed in my profile , that often I said I was the youngest of ten , and yet you only saw five kids in the car heading for California . I also refer sometimes to my older sister . Well , here is the scoop . My mom was married two times and I had three wonderful half sisters . There were four , but a little girl named Goldie died at the age of four from pneumonia . With my dad she had six . A boy named Kenneth was born a " blue baby " and died at six weeks . Only one of my half sisters lived with us for a while and the other two were elsewhere . A loving family adopted one sister , and the other was with her grandmother . Those are separate stories though and do not belong in this one . When you hear me refer to an older sister , it only means in the family I grew up with , and that had the same father as me . I have great memories of my half sisters and may later on write about those wonderful memories with three great ladies . The other thing I need to clarify is this story I am writing about now . It sounds as though I did not like my brother . That is so very far away from the truth . I adored him and in actuality , he and I were very close in my adulthood . He came to me for a lot for advice and I to him . In fact he gave me ( at one time ) the best advice I have ever had in my life at a time when I was confused and uncertain . I remember that to this day . I did not however , like his selfishness , and greed , which came out on my mom 's passing . I have seen this same situation so many times in families that it almost makes me determined to stay around as long as I can so my boys won 't fight over my " stuff . " I have even goPosted by There is a story as to how I happen to be in possession of the rocking chair since there was more than one sibling . No one wanted it except my brother and me . The story is long ! When my dad died , my mom sold her home and moved in with my brother . She did not want to be alone and he needed a baby sitter for his son . It was a win , win , situation for both of them . For a long time I had physical custody of his son , but now he was able to take him on his own . His ex wife had visiting privileges . My mother was his cook , laundry woman , housekeeper , gardener , and baby sitter all rolled into one . It was all right because she was very happy . She was where she wanted to be . As time went on though my brother became more controlling and dominating of her . I recall the time I was over visiting and she made the remark that she wanted to get rid of some things that were just gathering dust . In the washroom was hanging a fairly large picture of horses . My dad had made the frame for it and it was quite a nice picture . Hanging all over it were cobwebs and dust . She said , " I would like to get rid of that thing . It is all dusty and it is up so high I can 't get to it , and he never dusts , so it should go . " Of course I said if she were sure she did not want it anymore , I would be thrilled to have it . She said , " Take it ! " I got a stool to climb on and was in the process of taking it down when my brother came in . He asked what I was doing and I told him . His eyes got big , his face screwed up , he pointed a finger and told me to put it back . He said nothing was leaving this house . There was a beautiful purple fruit bowl that stood on three short legs that my sister Barbra wanted , but he said she could not have it either . When mom got so she could not do the work anymore , and my brother was not a housekeeper , I would go to their home and bathe her , wash and set her hair and trim her toenails when needed . Barbra did it on a couple of occasions , but it was my weekly chore to be sure . I also cleaned the house for them . I usually did nPosted by In my last post you saw the house I lived in on Dutton Avenue . Well that house is gone . In its place is a bank and parking spaces on both sides . On the nearest corner , you can now stand and look at a small shopping center . There is a fast food place and several small businesses . The house where she lived is also gone as is the used furniture store that her dad used to own . There are lots of business places up and down the street called Sebabstopol Avenue , but nothing is what it used to be . In fact the area is now a Hispanic population . That is just one change in the town of Santa Rosa . The powers that be are not big on preserving any thing that is deemed part of the town 's history . Oh , there are a few things saved , but they are not as significant as the wonderful things that have been destroyed . In the middle of town was a magnificent very large building we called the court house . Inside was a beautiful set of stairs leading to the second floor and the floors were all marble . Talking a bit loudly created a wonderful echo . At Christmas time , Santa Claus came to the old court house and from the top steps he handed out mesh stockings filled with goodies to the children . On the side lawn was an old cannon . We used to climb on that old piece of memorabilia . Then one day it was decided that it was not earthquake proof and should be torn down . It was a sad day for everyone as the big wrecking ball tried time and again to take it down . It was not about to come down without a fight . It eventually gave up its fight and succumbed to the wrecking ball . How would it have done in an earthquake we will never know . A town square was built in its place and now those great city officials want to put it back together again , sans the court house of course . We keep electing these people . What is wrong with this picture ? We have an old adobe house sitting and rotting away on a street called Montgomery Drive , where the Carillo family first settled . They were the first family to settle in Santa Rosa . Instead of preserving this wonderfulPosted by Besides my love of poetry , I had many other interests while in school . In Junior High I was active in tumbling , writing , and in small bits of acting . In High School I was very active in Drama , drum and bugle corps , and I did a lot of entertaining at sport rallies . I wrote all my own material . The coach would call me out of my classes and go over with me what he wanted me to do at the rallies . I would go home and write some comedy stuff and deliver it in the auditorium at the next rally ! I was also on the local radio station ( KSRO ) in a program called " Us Kids Of Seventeen . " There I wrote my own material also and was billed as a budding " Tizzie Lish " She was a character in the movies that did comedy in a rather falsetto voice . One such writing I did on the radio was " How to Ride A Horse Back After You Get Him There " I never starred in , but I was a character in many school plays and was the leading character in some plays that were for students only . In the drum and bugle corps we performed at every parade in town and at every sports game at half time . We fought long and hard to get to wear shorter uniforms , but in the end we were only allowed to have them three inches above the knee . My how times have changed ! I had lots of girl friends in high school , but no boy friends . All my girl friends had boy friends , but not me . I dated one time and the guy was just awful and I never went with him again . I had a guy out of school that I liked and I sneaked to be with him a few times , but my dad did not like him so he forbid me any further contact . In Junior College I had lots of guy friends ( not boy friends ) and life was just great ! I used to go cook dinner for one guy , once in a while when he complained he did not know how to cook and would sadly ask if I could not help out . I got to ride on the back of a motorcycle with another guy on a couple of occasions , and I had one very dear guy friend who would come by my house in his dump truck , honk and holler , " Want to take a trip with me to pick up a load of gravel ? " Of coursePosted by My very first car ! ! A 1929 Model A Ford . I learned to drive using my dad 's car and my sister Barbra 's boyfriend was my teacher . He was a good one also , very patient and easy to understand . I was driving in no time at all . I also learned quickly how to change tires and how to crank my car . That 's right , back then you had to crank some cars and when you got them started , you ran fast for the spark on the steering wheel and pulled it down just right so you would keep the car running . You did not have to crank it all the time , just when you could not turn the engine over with the key . This car had a turtle back , which was different from a rumble seat in that it opened like the trunk of a car today . I had a big stick that when positioned correctly , it would hold the turtle back up . I remember when I used to go to the U . S . O dances ( Those were dances for the service men , and young ladies attended to dance with them . ) We were , however , never allowed to leave until all the service men had left in the buses that brought them . After that we could go and get into our cars and leave . Many a time I went to my car and found two service men in front and two or three squeezed into the trunk of the little Ford waiting and preferring for me to drive them back to their base on the old Wikiup Ranch . I never quite figured it out why that was more fun , but I did it anyhow and was only to happy to do it . None of them were boyfriends , just good old boys looking for a diversion . The rumble seat in a car was a lot of fun to ride in . A lot like a convertible today , but not as sophisticated . You had to climb up on the car , step down onto the seat , then slide yourself down until you were sitting and your feet went underneath . My little Model A , myself and a couple of girlfriends , cut Junior college one day to take a ride over to the coast . I almost missed the turn off where we wanted to go . We were cutting up and laughing when I suddenly realized I almost missed the turn , yelled " woops ! gave the wheel a quick turn and almost flipped us over . Posted by I am an 86 year old lady who was the tenth child born to my mom . Although my parents did not name me Babe , that is what they called me all my life . Being the youngest of ten is most likely the reason . |
Her voice rang out over the rest of the clamor in the house . It was Friday night and there was a crowd , as usual when Mrs . O ' Donnell put on a spread , though she lived in a small apartment which didn 't take much to fill up . The noise level wasn 't too bad here in the spare room where the computer was , but Mike figured it was at least 70 dB out there , mostly from the kids , though the two televisions , one in the front room where his brother Pat and his wife Mary were watching Wayne and O ' Hara in " The Quiet Man , " and the small TV that his mother always had on in the kitchen , didn 't help . There were a lot of kids here tonight , of varying ages from roughly four on up to the early teens , all spread out in between the front room and the kitchen , chattering to each other , playing computer games , or listening to something on their headphones . Besides Pat and Mary 's three kids , his younger sister Bridget had brought her brood , though Bridget 's husband Tom had caught the 3 to 11 shift this week and couldn 't make it . Tom had to take whatever work there was , and there wasn 't much too much of it these days for anybody . Mike and his ex - wife had never had children . It was hard to get at the computer on Friday nights . They 'd all chipped in and bought it for Ma last summer so she could stay in touch when Crystal , his older sister Betty 's daughter , went away to school , but Ma didn 't use it for much more than playing CDs , saying this Internet stuff was too confusing . Today , the kids had tied it up before supper , googling " rainbows " and " leprechauns " after the spring thunderstorm late that afternoon . Ma had gotten them going on the leprechauns , telling some of the old Irish tales of the good people and pots of gold at the rainbow 's end . Then she had served supper - roast beef with all the fixings . He 'd taken over the computer right after dessert to send out a few resumes . You can 't upload files on a library computer . After he had been laid off , his own Internet access and a few other extras had gotten too expensive , what with the mortgage payment coming up , the car needing work , and Sandy being a bitch about the alimony . This would be his only chance to get online tonight . Crystal was back from college for the weekend and had brought her roommate over for dinner . They had both been shanghaied into clean - up duty , but that was all done now and his niece was undoubtedly just waiting for a chance to take over as soon as he left the keyboard . He hit the send button . There ; that would dazzle ' em for a while . He logged off , got up and stepped out into the front room . Mike grinned . " Yeah , and we come by every week and eat it and hang around all night , keeping her company . She knows exactly what she 's doing . " " My usual numbers . You know what they are . It 's up to 48 million tonight . " He rose from the couch and got out his wallet . " You gonna break down and buy one tonight ? " " You 've got a better chance of being struck by lightning . It 's a waste of money . " Mike laughed . His brother had repeated " it 's a waste of money " along with him even while he handed Mike the money for the tickets . Pat had a pretty good job with the county , and Mary had been a secretary with the same group of lawyers for ages . They could afford it . Mike patted his pocket for his own wallet and then headed out to the kitchen . As he went through the dining room , various young children suddenly became aware of him . " Hey , Crystal , how 's it going ? " Jeez ! he thought . Can 't even wait till I 'm out the door . The vulture ! He was greeted with " Get my purse , " upon entering the kitchen . She was sitting in her usual spot at the table , with the plaque they 'd gotten for her birthday a few years ago hanging on the wall nearby . The plaque sported an old - fashioned - looking white scroll on green - painted wood that told a very brief history of the O ' Donnells , in English on one side and Gaelic , which none of them could read , on the other . It was really Irish , picked out by their cousin Dennis in County Meath and sent over at Bridget 's request . Ma had cried when she opened the package . She had never been to the Old Country and probably would never get there . The gentle glow from the small table light smoothed out most of the care lines in his mother 's face and darkened some of the grayness in her hair . He could remember when she had been young , when nobody would have dared to say a word after she 'd laid down the law , not even Pa , rest his soul . Her eyes were still young , and lively and happy , though concern filled them as she looked up at him . " I heard you , " he said . He managed to extricate his jacket without dislodging more than a sweater , which he carefully hung back up . He checked the fridge as he was shuffling on his jacket . " Is vanilla really all there is ? " That set them both off . He liked being the object of their concerns over the dark and the weather , but the fuss was a little irritating , too . It made him determined to hoof it now even if there was a downpour out there . " Look , " he finally said , " this is not ' CSI : Ilion ' and Brown 's is close . There 's street lights and plenty of traffic . I 'm going . " Timmy and two slightly older children came marching down the hall to get some soda . Bridget got up to help them . Mike 's mother called him over to the table . " And collecting unemployment all that time . It 's okay . And there 's that teaching gig up at the community college next month . Remember that ? " " It 's just milk money , for Pete 's sake . You 're on a fixed income , and you can 't be feeding us high and hearty like this every week . No . " The porch light was out , but it was easy enough to see and get around out there without bumping into things , thanks to the indirect illumination from the street lights . In the sudden quiet after the door closed , he became aware of the sounds of water dripping from the porch eaves and breezes rustling the still - bare twigs of the trees in the yard . The street was empty of everything but a few parked cars , and cars also clogged the driveway just beyond the porch . He stood for a moment and savored the peace and quiet of the great outdoors . He loved his family , and that was precisely why he enjoyed getting away from them sometimes . Later in the year , a night like this would feel unbearably muggy , but in March the dampness held a promise of oncoming Spring . That was really why he 'd wanted to walk ; it was a case of spring fever , brought on by warm sunshine and the thunderstorm and then the rainbow that afternoon . The earth was waking up . He could smell it . There was the trickle of water running in the street , as well as a little " tap tap tap " coming from somewhere out front . It was an odd sound that would stop and start again . He figured somebody in the neighborhood was doing repairs somewhere . It was a restful , slightly foggy night and he decided to take his time getting to the store and back . Some mist drifted through the cone of light thrown by one of the streetlights . The street was short , and there were only two lights on it , the last one shining in front of dim bulks of buildings that rose up beyond the dead end . That all was the college over there , and most of it was dark now . Out front , he heard a car swish by , heading up the wet street toward campus . There wasn 't ever much traffic at night , except when there was a big do on . Mike listened as the car went up the hill and then disappeared over the top . The night stillness returned , and after an interval so did the gentle " tap - tap - tap " sound . It didn 't seem to break the quiet so much as blend in and complement it . Brown 's convenience store was two blocks away , on the same street that dead - ended here . He walked down alongside the cars and out to the sidewalk , going over the list in his head : milk , 2 % ; soda , probably diet cola , maybe orange ; ice cream , mint chocolate chip ; and Pat 's waste - of - money lottery tickets . Oh , and he 'd get himself some donuts for breakfast tomorrow , too . Cinnamon or powdered ? Bright light and the muffled sounds of children 's voices and laughter filtered through the curtained and closed windows on the ground floor as he walked past the house to the front road . He could hear his mother 's voice in there , too , though he couldn 't tell what she was saying . There were also lights on in the two floors above her place . Mike didn 't know who lived in those apartments , but his mother said they were nice folk who never complained about the noise on Friday nights and didn 't make much noise themselves . Outside here everything was cool and still for the moment . The college owned some of the land on this side of the road , and the rest of the neighborhood proper was on the other side where it stretched back along the hillside in a warren of alleys , streets and houses , most of those being two - and three - story brick and wood homes that had been around for a century or more . It wasn 't really a bad neighborhood , for the properties had never been let go , but it was an old one that tended to withdraw into itself after dark . Quite a few students did live here , though , and Mike figured the streets would liven up soon when they started to move out for some Friday night fun downtown . Tap tap tap . What the heck was that anyway ? It sounded closer now . He looked around . Oh , so that was it . Somebody , perhaps a child , was sitting on a stone that was part of the landscaped corner just up ahead on this side of the intersection with the main road . He 'd mistaken the diminutive figure for a yard ornament at first . Whoever it was wore an old - fashioned costume of some sort , complete with frock - coat and cocked hat , and was holding something like a shoe and hammering away at it . It was really quite a get - up , and Mike couldn 't help staring as he approached . The coat was three - quarters length , quite thick and plush , especially around the collar and sleeves , and it seemed to have way more buttons on the front than were technically necessary . It fit the tiny individual perfectly , and his three - corner hat , while large , didn 't jut out far enough to obscure the light needed for his work . He was using a small , oddly shaped hammer on the bottom of a large shoe that had a thick heel , square toe , and a big buckle on the front . Apparently the sole had come loose . It wasn 't a kid . It was a little man , and an old one at that . Mike was closer now and could see the face more clearly . Even in profile it looked rather wizened , almost monkey - like , with a ragged , wispy gray sideburn that looked like the real thing , not a wig . You see all sorts of peculiar things near a college , and Mike decided maybe it was a midget , on his way to a costume party somewhere when the shoe problem came up . He seemed totally absorbed in his work . Mike didn 't want to startle him so he scuffed the sidewalk and said , " Hello , " just before he stepped into the bright glow under the streetlight . The weirdly dressed midget looked up at him without any surprise whatsoever . The eyes were framed by bushy eyebrows and creases of skin and looked very dark and wise , and a little wild . The face , seen full on , appeared even older than Mike had first thought . There were the long sideburns but not a mustache or a beard , and rather long dark hair straggled out from under the hat and down onto the stranger 's shoulders . Obviously this fellow wanted to finish things and be off , but he was so interesting and unusual that Mike had to stop and study him . It was hard to tell in this artificial light , but the coat , worn over a heavily ruffled shirt , seemed to be made of red velvet , and those looked like real leather breeches , held up with a broad belt that had a big and intricately carved metal clasp . The coat had piping on it and some ribbons . The breeches came down to just below the small knees . Light - colored stockings and two leather shoes , similar in shape and style to the one the little man was working on , completed the outfit . For the first time , Mike noticed that the shoe in need of repair was way too large to fit its maker , though it would have been much too small for Mike . Tap tap tap . It was all so very strange , though not totally out of place given the neighborhood and it being a Friday night . Mike had seen some pretty weird stuff around there before , although this took the cake . With the dark and the fog drifting around , and the stillness of the night , it felt downright eerie . This seemed to astonish the creature , who actually set down his hammer . " Why no , " he said . " Not at all , but ' tis a kindness for you to offer . " " Oh , you 're welcome , " he said . There was a pause . The tiny old gent didn 't seem very chatty , although he was civil enough . " Well . Have a nice night . " There wasn 't much else Mike could think to say . He smiled and nodded and then turned away to cross the street . Behind him , he heard the reedy voice say , " I had not yet thanked ye but shall do so now : 15 , 46 , 4 , 22 , 17 , 38 . I care not for fools ' gold , but you should have something , who cared not at all for mine . " It was said slowly and with careful enunciation , particularly the numbers , but it made no sense to Mike , who stopped in the middle of the street and turned around to ask him what he meant . There was no one there . The stone was bare , and Mike could see no sign of movement or a figure anywhere on the sidewalk or near the houses . He was all alone . That 's weird , thought Mike . He ignored the cold chill that came over him and stifled an upwelling sense of wonder that something miraculous had just occurred . He actually had goosebumps ! Headlight beams appeared in the misty air at the top of the hill , so Mike started moving and got across the street just as the car crested the hill and started coming down . As he stepped up onto the curb , a pickup came around the curve at the bottom of the hill and headed on up . The two motor vehicles passed each other just about in front of him like the two covers of a storybook closing after the tale had been finished . At any rate , the spell had been broken , though he still felt a little dreamy . There was his mother 's house , and in it , a bunch of kids waiting for ice cream and soda ; and his mother needed milk for the tea . Mike turned and started off down the sidewalk again toward Brown 's , not sure what to make of the whole adventure . He 'd gone almost a whole block before he realized that now he was actually storming along . Well , he was right to be pissed off . The little fellow had probably been sitting under a step somewhere , watching him gawk at the disappearance act , and now was at the party or wherever he 'd been going , telling them all about the big fool he 'd met along the way and the trick he 'd played on him . Mike 's cheeks burned , but he realized his emotions were getting the best of him . He forced himself to slow back down to a stroll and tried to concentrate on what he needed to get when he reached the store . There was the parking lot up ahead ; there seemed to be a lot of traffic . Oh yeah , the deadline for tonight 's drawing was coming up soon . Well , he 'd better hurry then . Let 's see : milk , 2 % ; ice cream … . His mind wandered , and then realized he was counting out numbers with each step he took : 15 / 46 , 4 / 22 , 17 / 38 , 15 / 46 , 4 / 22 … . Aw , come on ! Mike didn 't really come back to earth until he reached Brown 's , where he had to concentrate on avoiding cars that pulled in and out as he weaved his way across the lot toward the front door . Inside , the store was packed , although he didn 't see anyone he knew . Lottery tickets were selling briskly . He glanced at the clock . Fifteen minutes to go . Pat would not be happy with him if he missed the deadline . It didn 't take him long to pick up what he needed , with a couple of changes in his plan , but there was a throng of people , all chattering excitedly , between him and the counter . They had two clerks on tonight , though , and Mike got there with five minutes to spare . He bought Pat 's tickets before paying for his own stuff . Many people were still coming in as he went out the door , but they were going to be too late . Oh well . A very light mist was starting to fall now , and he wished he 'd taken the umbrella . The moist air smelled fine , though . He detoured around the parking lot and started back down the sidewalk , picking up the pace a bit in hopes of getting back to the house before it really began to rain . More lights were on now in buildings that lined the street , and as he passed along , he saw , here and there , young men and women coming out of doors or clustering around a car that was parked along the curb with lights on and motor running . Not once did he think of the odd little man again until he was back at that intersection and saw his mother 's place across the street . There was more traffic now , and Mike had to wait to cross . The stone over there was still vacant , and there was still no sign of anybody on the sidewalks or at any of the houses up or down the street . Again he felt a little chill and an echo of the sense of wonder that had come to him during the adventure , but when he got across , he didn 't stop to reinspect the scene . It was starting to rain hard , and water was running down the back of his neck . " You should have taken an umbrella , " his mother said when he came in . She was still at the table with Bridget , and now Mary was there , too . The kitchen seemed quite bright after a walk in the night , and it was loud , too . The TV was blaring out some crime show , and the kids ' uproar was going on unabated in the next room . Mike set the sack down on the counter and brought out a gallon of milk . " Here you go , " he said as he put it on the table . Then he took off his jacket . " It didn 't really start raining until just before I got back . Where can I hang this up so it won 't get everything wet ? " He said to Bridget as his mother took his jacket , " They didn 't have mint chocolate chip . I got plain instead . " And to his mother , " I met this strange little guy out there . " " I hope you didn 't speak to him , " his mother said as she stepped out of the bathroom . She had lived most of her life in the country and believed every inch of the city turned into a high - crime zone immediately after the sun set . " Your coat is hanging up in the shower when you go looking for it later on . " " Got ' em right here , Pat ! No , he didn 't ask for money . It was this little old guy in a red velvet coat and he was working on a shoe . You should have seen him . " Mike stopped . Ma had turned away and was helping Mary dish out the ice cream . Six or seven young children were clustering around the two women . He reached into his shirt pocket to get Pat 's tickets and was heading out front when he felt a tug on his pants . It was Bridget . " Oh , don 't worry about it . They 'll sleep in tomorrow , and I will , too . " For the first time , he noticed how tired she looked . He was concerned . " Sure , I 'm fine . It 's been a long day , that 's all . I haven 't had a break since I got off work " She smiled up at him . " Guess I need some grown - up time . " He looked at her and decided it probably was stress , and she wasn 't getting sick or something . " Tom 's working days next week , isn 't he ? You two come on over some night next week , bring some DVD 's , and I 'll get a pizza or something . " " Mommy ! " It was Timmy , holding a bowl filled with two cookies and a big dollop of ice cream . She turned to take it from him and get him settled down at the table with it . Mike went on down the hall and out into the front room . " Hey , Unk ? " It was Crystal , from the computer room . Through the doorway , he could see her friend sitting at the keyboard , but Crystal wasn 't in view . " Oh , never mind . I 'll tell you later , " Mike replied . The movie was coming back on , and anyway , his adventure earlier that night was starting to seem pretty unreal , now that he was back indoors and with his family again . It was kind of like he had been dreaming then and now was wide awake . He went in to see what his niece wanted . If it was anything major , it was going to have to wait until the movie was over . She moved away . It was a small inkjet printer . He gently pushed and prodded its various parts Things inside seemed to be moving okay , but there was a big chunk of paper jammed in good and tight . " Chocolate chip . " He shut the printer off and then turned it on . Nothing happened . He 'd be able to work better if they weren 't watching his every move , and he wanted to get at the computer to check the print queue , too . " There 's probably some left , if you want any . Better hurry up before the kids get them all . I 'll have this working when you get back . " Or not , he thought . Anyway , it wasn 't a hard sell . They both left , and he eased into the chair and brought up the print queue , which had about a zillion jobs in it , apparently most of them from this afternoon , when the kids had been looking up " rainbows " and " leprechauns . " Probably somebody had loaded the paper the wrong way . The paper came out easily now . He set that aside , got some fresh paper , and fanned it just to make sure it would feed easily . Then he loaded the printer and turned it on again . Immediately a sheet of paper fed in and the printer started working . There must have been a job left in the queue 's buffer . Well , the girls were all set now . He watched the TV from the room as he waited for the print job to finish . Pat was sitting up on the couch again , while on the screen , Wayne and McLaglen were tumbling into a haystack , along with what seemed like half the men in town . Mike impatiently looked down to see how much longer the printer was going to take . From the tray , the image of a wizened little man , dressed in a red velvet three - quarter frock coat and leather breeches with white stockings and wearing a tricorn cocked hat , grinned up at him . The little man was holding a big - buckled shoe in one hand and a small hammer in the other . " What 's this ? " Mike asked no one in particular . His voice sounded a little shaky , he thought , and his legs were a little weak so he sat down and stared stupidly at the printer , as if he expected it to cough up an explanation . However , it was finished , and the image it had printed perfectly now lay on the tray in a very substantial and matter - of - fact way . He reached over and picked it up . The face was a cartoon of the real thing , and the coat lacked some details , but it was the same little man he 'd seen right out there by the house , probably not more than 20 feet from where he now was sitting . The breeches and hat and stockings were the same . It was the same sort of shoe he was holding , and the same sort of little hammer . There was an URL at the bottom of the page below the image . Mike turned to the computer , pulled up the browser on the screen and typed in the URL . The Web page that appeared was about Irish fairy tales , and this was an image from a book they were selling . They said it was from a black and white 17th century engraving of a leprechaun , and they had printed it in color to show that in the old days leprechauns were believed to wear red , not green . " Well , I have , sort of . " Pat was never going to believe this , but Mike handed him the paper anyway . " I saw one of those tonight on the way to the store . " Out in the front room behind his brother , Mike could see the evening news starting on the TV . A couple of Pat 's older boys were sitting on the couch watching it . Pat peered at the paper he had been given . " What 's this ? " Mike didn 't want to say what it was . Instead , he said , " I went out to go to the store , and there was this tapping out front , and it was coming from this little man who was sitting on a rock by the road out here . " He pointed to the corner of the room that was in the same general direction as the street corner outside . " Well , he didn 't say he was going to a party . I just figured he was and that 's why he was dressed that way . He was Irish . He had a brogue . " " Of course he had a brogue . He was dressed up like a leprechaun . He had to have a brogue . Why wasn 't he wearing green , though ? And what 's with the funny hat ? " " He didn 't say he was a leprechaun . And that 's how leprechauns are supposed to dress , I guess . I just looked it up on the Net . The green thing is all wrong . Actually , he just wanted to be left alone and I left him alone and he thanked me and gave some numbers . " " Jeez , Mike . They were lottery numbers ? You 're on your way to buy tickets and some guy dressed up like a leprechaun gives you numbers ? Sounds like an omen . Was he asking you to get him a ticket ? " Pat shook his head . " Of course not . It 's a waste of money . God himself could appear in the sky and hand you a ticket , and you 'd quote the odds back at Him ! Look , Mike , I don 't understand what 's the big deal here . You just met some crazy out in the street . Is that it ? Did he threaten you or act sick ? " Mike wanted to crawl under the desk . " Well , I don 't know why . It was so … weird . He was just … well … so ordinary and yet so different . It 's hard to explain . You had to be there . I wasn 't even thinking about leprechauns until I saw that come out of the printer just now . One of the kids must have pulled it off the Internet this afternoon . I never saw it before . About 10 minutes later , he was seated out on the couch between his mother and Bridget , who were both talking at once . Bridget was crying , too . The Action News meteorologist was on the TV , but you couldn 't hear a word she was saying . Pat was in the easy chair , glaring at his two boys , who were over in the corner with Crystal 's friend and looking sullen . Mary was keeping the younger children out of it ; most of them were sleepy anyway , and they were all lying down in Ma 's bedroom with the door closed . " Ma , this isn 't a big deal . Let it go . You 're getting yourself all worked up , " Mike said . " Let 's talk about it tomorrow . " Her friend came over and whispered to her . Her eyes got wide , and she smiled and then grinned , and when her laughter came , it fell into a quiet moment when Mike 's mother was taking a breath and Bridget was crying into some tissues . Everybody stopped and looked at the young woman . " He hasn 't flipped his gourd , " she said to her friend , and to the room in general . " Nobody 's more unsuperstitious than Uncle Mike . If he says he saw a leprechaun , then he saw a leprechaun . " " Well , then they 're tonight 's numbers . There you go . " She pointed at the TV , where a pretty lady in a sequined party dress was standing in front of the lottery numbers machinery , talking into a microphone . " Do you remember them , Mike ? " Bridget asked . The first tube appeared on the screen , with many numbered white balls bouncing around on air inside it . " Of course I do , " said Mike . Oh , this was awful . He had just wanted to keep it to himself and then look up the winning numbers in the morning . Well , he was stuck now . " You never let me finish , Pat . Of course I did . " He smiled at his mother . " Mrs . O ' Donnell didn 't raise a fool . " |
From time to time I will post stories that I have written about my grandmother , Betty Collura . I lived with her for about 14 months in 2006 - 2007 , and it was during this time that she started showing the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease . It was an interesting time with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . I am happy to say that my grandma came to spend Christmas Eve with the family this year . She refused to come last year when my uncle attempted to pick her up and bring her to my parents ' house . He begged , pleaded and tried to reason with her , but she refused to get dressed and leave her bedroom . I guess she was just having a rough day . My grandma has been living in an assisted living facility that specializes in Alzheimer 's care for the last two years or so . Even with a woman living with her that watched over her and my mother visiting once or twice a day , her house became too unsafe . My grandma had finally reached the point where she required constant care . Her heart , lungs and body are still in great shape . At 84 years old , the doctors say that if it was up to her body , she could live another 10 years . Her mind is a different story . My grandma is at the point where she does not know who any of us are anymore , and she really has no idea what 's going on around her . Sometimes when a family member goes to visit her , she will recognize them as someone that she has met before . But she is usually not able to recall their name , or her relation to them . Every so often she 'll have a day where she is sharper than usual , and will tell accurate stories . Mostly they are old stories that date back to her childhood and teen years . But a majority of what she says is random chatter that doesn 't make sense . If a dog barks , she will make up an outrageous story about how it 's her dog , and tell it to us like she could actually convince us . I often wonder if she believes herself as she rambles . The Alzheimer 's mind sure is an interesting little world . One thing I am grateful for is that at least in the case of my grandma , this little world appears to be a bright , colorful one that doesn 't seem scary or harsh . Like anyone else with Alzheimer 's Disease , she has a few cranky days here and there where nothing you do or say can snap her out of it . She acts like a big five year old and getting her to be nice or go anywhere is impossible . We 've had to cancel hair and nail appointments for her at the last minute before , and last year we had to do Christmas Eve without her . But overall Grandma is chipper , friendly and pleasant to be around . She smiles and giggles as she people - watches and will chat with anyone that approaches her . According to my mother , the conversations that she has with the other people at her home ( who are in a smiliar mental state ) are entertaining . This Christmas Eve she sat in a chair near the middle of the room and enjoyed socializing with everyone around her . She also enjoyed watching and talking to Coco . Whether she recognizes my dog or not , she always gets so excited to see her . My grandma ate well and was in the best mood possible . I wonder if she understood that she was surrounded by family members who love her . Whether or not she remembers , I 'm pretty sure she can feel the love . When I was in college , I thought it was never going to end . I was untouchable , working two nights a week in Miami as a club bartender and making more than what most people make in two weeks . I went out the other five nights of the week and still managed to maintain a 3 . 8 GPA . And then I graduated and everything changed . I knew that bartending was not a career , not for me at least , so I made my way into the real world . I quickly learned that it can be pretty rough . It stressed me out so much the first time that it was a big factor in going back to get my Master 's degree . Another 18 months of being a student was lovely , but then I was forced to graduate and grow up once again . I can do anything . Now that I was finished writing papers and pulling all - night study sessions , I suddenly had all this spare time on my hands . Take full advantage , as this is your time to live it up . Most likely you are not employed at a serious job , married or a parent . Nothing is holding you down and this might be the only time for the rest of your life that you have this chance . So go backpacking , experience life in a new city , learn yoga or jump out of a plane . In the six months following graduation , I did a cross - country road trip , moved to Los Angeles , went to Israel with 40 strangers and got into the best shape of my life . Live a little , before life ties you down . My college lifestyle was so unhealthy . When I was in school , I was the vending machine 's best customer and ate Quizno 's , Wendy 's and Pollo Tropical on a daily basis . I 'd stay up for days before a big paper was due , consuming espresso and Adderall to stay awake . Once my paper was finished and turned in , I 'd go out with my friends instead of catching up on my sleep . I don 't know how it did it . It 's hard out there to get a job . Not many companies are hiring these days , but when they do , there are dozens of people who will fight you for the position . Having a large pool of people to choose from makes these companies very picky . It seems like they all want someone who has tons of experience , speaks four languages , doesn 't mind picking up the owner 's dry cleaning and is willing to do it all for $ 10 an hour . It 's all about who you know . Given what I just said , having a good connection can be extremely helpful . It could be an " in , " or introduce you to other important people that you can learn from . Networking and connecting is everything , because you never know who you might need or run into at some point . The world is much smaller than I thought . Internships are important . My one regret from college is that I slacked on internships . I missed out on meeting and learning from valuable people while I was still in school , so it was harder to get a job after graduation . Everywhere that I applied wanted me to start off as an intern . Your first job won 't be perfection . I consider my first " real job " to be at a fashion PR agency in LA . I was an unpaid intern that they started paying , mostly in clothes , once I made myself valuable to my boss . I did this by going to every vegan restaurant in town to pick up food for her , dealing with the whiny swimsuit models at fashion shows on my weekends and getting screamed at by publicists wondering where their celebrity client 's free gifts were . It was far from glamorous , but I learned a lot and had to start somewhere . You don 't have to stay at this horrible first job forever . I realized fashion PR was not for me pretty quickly . Nevertheless , I stuck it out for a few months so I had some experience on the resume and then left to pursue other things . I haven 't looked back . Now is the best time to go back to school . Your mind is fresh , you haven 't forgotten everything you learned and nothing is tying you down . If you are considering going to grad school , right after undergrad is a great time to do it . It 's still hard out there to get a job . I felt a little cooler at job interviews saying that I now have a master 's degree , but I still faced the same problems that I did post - undergrad . I lucked out and reconnected with an old high school friend who got me in at his company . Yeah , it 's all about who you know . My take - home pay is not as much as I thought . The only thing that was worse than finding out how low my entry - level salary was going to be was seeing my take - home pay amount on that first paycheck . It makes me miss the bartending days of bringing home wads of undeclared cash each night . An emergency bank account is important . Last year I started a savings account that takes $ 40 from my checking each month . I now have about $ 850 that I didn 't even miss that I can use if I ever need it . I understand that at some point I will probably get sick or hurt and I will need it . If not , it 's nice to know that I have a little cash to buy myself something nice . Student loans are borrowed money . Next month will be six months since graduation , and I will have to make my first payment . It 's about to get real . From time to time I will post stories that I have written about my grandmother , Betty Collura . I lived with her for about 14 months in 2006 - 2007 , and it was during this time that she started showing the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease . It was an interesting time with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . I moved out of my grandma 's house to attend college in Miami in August 2007 . My grandmother was left to live alone , but luckily my parents lived only about 10 minutes away . Just as she did when I was living there , my mother came over to check up on my grandma every morning , and she added a daily afternoon visit to her schedule . I wondered how she was going to take it . My grandmothers had known each other for over thirty years , since my parents were high school sweethearts and got married . They saw each other often at my brothers ' volleyball games , were extremely friendly and never forgot to send each other birthday and holiday cards . I knew my grandma was going to be upset about the loss of her old friend . When we arrived at the house , my grandma was overjoyed to see me . She smiled , hugged me tightly and told me how good it was to see me after " all these years , " even though I had visited her only a few weeks earlier . I knew better than to waste my breath correcting her , so I just smiled and nodded . My mother and I sat down with her at the long wooden dining room table where she was drinking a cup of coffee and eating a large slice of red velvet cake topped with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream . As her disease has progressed and she gets older , my grandmother eats more and more like a little kid . She no longer has any interest in gourmet meals from her old favorite restaurants , but she can 't get enough of grilled cheese , chicken fingers , Egg McMuffins and desserts of any kind . This scared us originally , as we worried about her health , but her doctors say that her heart and blood pressure are fine and she hasn 't gained much weight . At this point , why not let her eat what makes her happy ? " Yes , she 's been sick for a while now . She was fighting cancer . Remember I told you she had cancer and that she wasn 't doing very well ? " " I know you did , Mom . You 're going to the funeral with us next week . It 's not until Tuesday , which is six days from now . " You must always give my grandma plenty of notice before getting her to leave the house . She needs enough time to fill the 40 pockets of her huge leather purse with anything , and I mean absolutely anything , that she feels she might need for her outing - a shower cap in case it rains , sunglasses for if it 's sunny , extra underwear ( sometimes up to four pairs ) , entire Kleenex boxes and other random things that I can 't even predict . She has never failed to shock me . And my grandma doesn 't attend any big event without having her hair and nails done first . " Mom , you have six days . Don 't worry , there is plenty of time for you to get ready , " my mom assured her . " I 'll call and make an appointment with Mary for the day before the funeral . " She asked questions and giggled the way a five - year old would and I couldn 't help but notice how happy she seemed . My grandma might not be all there , but it was refreshing to see her so carefree . She had certainly come a long way from the depressed , paranoid and improperly - medicated person I once began living with three years earlier . If there is anything I could change about my grandma 's situation ( besides eliminating Alzheimer 's Disease altogether ) , it would be the toll it has taken on my mother . She has lost her mother and best friend , and constantly has to worry about my grandma 's happiness and safety . It 's caused her a great deal of understandable sadness and stress , but she 's also had a really hard time accepting what has happened . For a long time my mother would repeat information over and over to my grandma that I knew she was just going to forget , and then she 'd get upset when my grandma forgot . I never understood why she would remind her of hair and doctor appointments that were days away . I 'm not sure whether my mother was hopeful that things might get better or if she just didn 't want to believe that this had really become her life . Seeing the disease take over my grandma was definitely hard , but once we got her medications balanced and her moods stabilized I think things got a lot easier . My grandma was pleasant and cheerful once again , and a majority of the crazy mood swings and depression disappeared . There is nothing pleasant about Alzheimer 's disease , but I 'm thankful that my grandma is not in any pain . She is not even aware that she is sick . Even though she doesn 't always remember who we are , she does seem to understand that she is surrounded by people who love her and I can sense that she is content . Thankfully my mother did not walk back in the room and try to explain who died again . My grandma and I sat in silence for a moment before she looked at me , shrugged her shoulders and started to laugh . I laughed back with her because I accepted the fact that she isn 't going to get any better a long time ago , but it sure was good to see her happy . From time to time I will post stories that I have written about my grandmother , Betty Collura . I lived with her for about 14 months in 2006 - 2007 , and it was during this time that she started showing the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease . It was an interesting time with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . April , 2007 I was staring at the clock on my cell phone , calculating the minutes until the end of my statistics lecture , when I felt it vibrate in my hands as a new text message came through . It read : " Do you want a dog ? " The text was from my friend Anika , whose boyfriend spent a pretty penny on an eight - week old Pomeranian as a birthday gift for her just days earlier . Attached at the bottom of the message was a blurry picture of a tiny white ball of fur . I couldn 't understand why my friend would want to get rid of this pretty baby , but the idea instantly got me excited . For the past year , I really missed having a pet around . Before moving in with my grandma , there had never been a point in my life where I didn 't have a dog or cat . I missed being greeted at the door , cuddling at night and just the overall comforting feeling you can only get from a loveable pet . I sometimes whined about it to my friends and would check out the dogs up for adoption on the local animal - rescue websites , but I restrained myself from visiting these shelters because I knew I 'd never be able to walk out empty - handed . At that point in my life , I knew that adopting a dog was not the most practical idea . I was a month away from earning my associates degree at the local community college and four months away from transferring to Florida International University . I had finals and graduation coming up , followed by a long summer of apartment - hunting and moving down to Miami . I wanted to be patient and promised myself that I would get a dog after settling into my new apartment , but suddenly here I was , hit with an offer that was going to be hard to refuse . Through a few more text messages back and forth , I learned that Anika and her boyfriend , both full - time students , got the puppy four days earlier and were quickly overwhelmed by how much time and work it required . The huge responsibility and loss of sleep had already gotten to them and they were realizing the whole thing wasn 't such a good idea . The breeder was willing to take the puppy back but refused to refund their money , so Anika was desperate to try and make some of it back while finding it a good home . She heard me mention my desire for a dog many times , which made her consider me before anyone else . I called her the moment I walked out of my statistics class . " I feel like I have no choice , " she whined . " She needs to be taken outside like every 15 minutes , it takes an hour to get her to eat and she cries all night . I 'm sad but I don 't have what it takes to care for a puppy right now . I can 't do it . I don 't even expect you to give us the full $ 800 that Tony spent on her . Just give us what you can and give her a good home . " " I really want to , but I 'm not sure about this , Anika . I 'm pretty busy too … " I started to say , but then I moved the phone away from my ear and glanced back down at the blurry photo of the little white fur ball . " Ummm … Let me think about this , run it by my mom and see how she feels , " I told Anika . " I 'll call you back . " My grandma was a possible obstacle that I had not even considered yet . I knew that she loved animals , but would she really want one living in her house ? If not , would this be something I would move out over ? Being a 20 year - old living with an 80 year - old , I always tried to make sure I wasn 't missing out on anything as a result . I wasn 't going to let taking care of my grandma hold me back from doing something I wanted to do - and I really wanted this dog . I realized that it really didn 't matter whether I asked my grandma or not . She wouldn 't clearly remember the conversation an hour later , and with her temperament , I knew her feelings about a dog would fluctuate on a daily basis anyways . One day she would be all over it , and the next morning she could want nothing to do with it and say she never wanted a dog . She wasn 't capable of making a decision ; it was ultimately my mother that I was going to need to ask . I took a deep breath , hoped for the best and dialed her number . " Absolutely not , " was what I expected to hear , and naturally it was the answer I got . My mother has always been one of those who says no at first , but often changes her mind after much begging and convincing . I know exactly how to work her and was prepared to argue my case . " So if it doesn 't work I 'll give it back to Anika or move out earlier . It 's only going to be for four months . You say it could be a setback , but this can also end up being a great thing . Think about it - the dog will give her something new to do . It 'll keep her occupied , and how can you hate a little one - pound Pomeranian ? Wait until you see this thing , Mom . It 's so small and cute ! " I knew that even my tough mother has a weakness for sweet , furry little animals . She caved a few minutes later and agreed to let Anika bring the puppy over for a trial visit , to see how my grandma reacted . When Anika 's car pulled up in the driveway , I told my grandma to go sit on the couch ; that I had a big surprise for her . I was taking the little - kid approach that I often used with her , especially when I was trying to get her psyched about something . When she was settled on the couch beside my mother , I opened the front door for Anika and led her to the living room . Squirming in her arms was the smallest puppy I had ever seen in my life . It was the size of a hamster with really long , soft white fur and two pink ears that perked straight up . I reached for the dog , held her up to my face and looked right into her chocolate brown eyes . I was instantly smitten . I took a deep breath and hoped for the best . " Oh Lord ! She 's beautiful ! " she said between giggles . Even my mother could not hold back her excitement . While she and my grandma took turns petting , kissing and talking gibberish to the dog , I shot Anika a look and a thumbs - up . Step one was a success . " Anika 's boyfriend just bought her this puppy , but unfortunately they can 't keep it . They 're going to give her away . Isn 't that sad , Grandma ? " I said , hoping my grandma would catch my drift . " Do you know anyone who would like this puppy ? " I walked Anika and the puppy out a few minutes later , and promised to let her know whether or not I would take the dog by the end of the night . I went back into the house to deliberate further with my mother and we worked out an agreement : I could have the dog , but only under the circumstances that if it wasn 't working out for any reason , Anika would have to take her back . I gave my friend a call to let her know the deal and she agreed . We met the next day in a mall parking lot where I gave her the $ 400 I was able to come up with and she tearfully handed the puppy over to me . The first week with Coco was not easy . As Anika had warned me , she needed to empty her tiny bladder at least twice an hour , even in the middle of the night . Getting her to eat required me to sit on the tile beside her , feeding her each piece by hand . The worst part was that whenever I locked her in her cage , she cried those high - pitched yelps that make small dogs so annoying . With school during the day and work at night , I always felt guilty when I had to leave my crying baby . As I predicted , my grandma was like a kindergartener with the puppy - sometimes she 'd come in my room eager to play and take care of her , and other times she had no interest whatsoever . Both moods always seemed to occur at the most inconvenient times . I had to create guidelines and explain why waking me up at 5 : 30 a . m . to play with Coco was not acceptable , and that it was not nice to stubbornly refuse to watch her for me when I needed to shower . While getting the dog hadn 't necessarily brought major problems , it brought a whole new kind of stress into my life . I often felt like I was caring for two little kids . Based on how loud we had to blast the television or shout for my grandma to hear us , I knew for a fact that her ears were not able to pick up Coco 's cries from behind a closed door across the house . The only reason she knew my dog barked at all was because she was crept across the house and did exactly what I told her not to do . The scattered toys and small yellow puddles I 'd find on the tile were clear indicators that she let Coco out while I was gone . My biggest fear was that she would take my puppy out of the cage to play with her or let her outside , get sidetracked and forget about her . My grandma misplaced things all the time , and the thought of Coco becoming one of those lost items terrified me . On one particular night , I arrived home from work and was surprised not to hear Coco yapping from my bedroom at the front of the house . I nervously opened the front door and sprinted to the empty cage . Immediately panicked , I ran straight to where I could find some information , and hopefully my dog as well . There was no sound coming from her room . I didn 't hear her stirring around in there , or the sound of her feet moving on the wood floor . I gave the door one last hard pound and pulled the bobby pin out of my hair so I could pick the lock . I had the door open within seconds and there they were , my grandma and Coco , all snuggled up together in bed . My puppy had heard my screams and looked up at me with sleepy eyes , but she remained curled up against my grandma 's chest . My grandma was in a deep sleep and lightly snoring . Although I was angry and wanted to scream at her for freaking me out , I did not wake my grandma . I motioned Coco to the edge of the bed and brought her back to my room for the night . My grandma and I had stern talk in the morning , but I found it hard to stay angry because her intentions were good and it was obvious that Coco adored her . My puppy often sat outside her bedroom door when she knew my grandma was inside , and would perk up and twirl with excitement when she 'd come out . It was my grandma who sang to her , snuck her extra treats and taught her to fetch a ball . Even though I was nervous about what took place when I was not around , in the end it worked out for the best . I 've kept that promise and whenever I visit my grandma I try to bring my dog . Even with her memory quickly fading , it is safe to say that Coco may be one of the last names she remembers . She usually cannot remember any of the names of her family members , but she has not forgotten Coco . The way her eyes light up each time we walk through her door lets me know she has not forgotten those good memories . People all over the world set themselves challenges every day . Inspired by Matt Cutts , who often gives himself challenges and discusses them on his blog ( http : / / www . mattcutts . com / blog / type / 30 - days / ) , I have decided to make my own list of 30 - day challenges that I would like to accomplish at some point . All of them are aimed at making me a stronger , healthier and a overall better person in some way or another . Here are some of my ideas I have come up with so far : From time to time I will post stories that I have written about my grandmother , Betty Collura . I lived with her for about 14 months in 2006 - 2007 , and it was during this time that she started showing the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease . It was an interesting time with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . One night after being sent home sick from work , chugging some liquid Tylenol straight out of the bottle and going to bed with an extremely sore throat , I awakened in the pitch black from a pain so sharp I couldn 't even pretend it was part of my dream . Groggy and disoriented , I attempted to inhale a deep breath and swallow . The breath barely went in and the swallow felt like tiny new razorblades scratching against my throat . I put my hands up to my neck to discover it was so swollen that it protruded outward , resembling a huge double chin . I tried swallowing again and was left dizzy from the agonizing pain . I began to panic . My mind pondered what appeared to be my only three options : I could continue silently lying on my back and risk dying a slow , lonely death ; I could dial 911 and seek medical assistance ; or call my mother and have her come take care of me . The third option seemed the most logical and comforting , but when I went to dial her number I felt a bit guilty . A 5 : 30 a . m . wake - up call was surely going to startle her , and there wasn 't going to be much she could do for me anyway . She could bring me more of the Tylenol that wasn 't working and keep me company while I whined until the doctor 's office opened at 8 a . m . , but that was about it . I knew she 'd be waking up in another hour or so and coming over to eat breakfast with my Grandma like she did almost every day , so I figured I might as well just let her start her day peacefully . " As soon as she gets here , I 'll have her drive me to the doctor , " I told myself . I wanted to walk to the kitchen and chug some Tylenol even though it had already proved to be useless , but getting up sounded like a painful mission . Just moving my inflated neck slightly to the right or left was torturous . I lay very still on my back , counting the minutes until sunrise and when my mother would arrive . My throat throbbed so hard I thought the veins behind my ears were going to rupture . With each throb came a pumping sound - my blood trying to push through the narrow veins past all that swelling , I guessed . Over the pumping sound I thought I heard light footsteps outside my closed bedroom door . The sound of the washing machine slowly being pried open confirmed it . " I remember when I was young , my mother would make us her special hot tea whenever we had a sore throat , " she reminisced . " She 'd use lemon , apple cider vinegar , cayenne and lots of honey . It always made me and my brothers feel better . Much better than any of those medicines they use today . " She told me how her family would listen to stories on the radio before they owned a television and it would help her parents with their English . She explained how my great - grandmother , who was dead long before I was born , was hooked on her radio soap operas and would spend most afternoons listening to them . " Ma Perkins - that was her favorite , " my grandma told me . " My mother would laugh and cry all day listening to that show . " My grandma 's thoughts were a bit scattered and she didn 't stay on any subject for very long , but at times her memory was sharp . For an Alzheimer 's patient who sometimes did not remember how to spell her own name ( or what it was for that matter ) , I was amazed at how well she still recalled vivid memories from over seven decades ago . That 's the thing with my grandma : one moment she 's so perceptive and will say something so profound , and the next moment she 'll swear my deceased grandfather just clogged the toilet ( it 's never her that clogs it ) . When we heard the sound of my mom 's Mini Cooper pull up in the driveway about an hour later , she stood up to go unlock the front door . As my mom stepped inside I heard them talking to each other in the hallway . My grandma was filling her in on what was happening . I think she said her throat , but I 'm not really sure . She 's very sick and I 'm worried . Do her parents live nearby ? " From time to time I will post stories that I have written about my grandmother , Betty Collura . I lived with her for about 14 months in 2006 - 2007 , and it was during this time that she started showing the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease . It was an interesting time with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . After tossing and turning for the past three or four hours , I had finally managed to drift into a light sleep when I sensed someone creep up and stare at me . I pulled the thick white down comforter over my face in an attempt to block the sunlight and hide even though I was burning up . A second later I peeked out , directing my eyes to the doorway to see that she was still there and then over to the clock . It was 7 : 30 a . m . , an ungodly hour to a 20 year old who was slinging drinks in a loud bar just four hours before . I rarely awoke before noon , but in the two weeks that I had been staying with my grandmother , I had seen almost 14 mornings . Stuck to the tan leather couch by a thin layer of my own sweat , my tired body yearned to stay there . " They took it ? Who is th - " I started to ask but quickly cut myself off . I bit down on my tongue hard . This repetitive wake - up call was causing me to grow impatient . Stay calm , Casey , I told myself . She 's been through a lot lately and she 's not in the right mind . It 's not her fault . Be nice . My family had noticed my grandma becoming increasingly forgetful in the months before my grandfather 's sudden death , but we blamed it on her old age and didn 't think much of it . After he passed , her mental health took a sharp decline and I hardly recognized the woman I grew up being so close with . My grandma 's forgetfulness was now mixed with sadness , confusion and mood swings where she would go from being calm to completely irrational in a matter of seconds . We were worried and did not want her being home alone , so four days after my grandfather 's death I packed a small bag and drove across town to stay with her for as long as she needed me . I had no idea what I was getting myself into . The first place I checked for the purse was the laundry room . I looked inside the washer and dryer and on the shelves above , my eyes still heavy and half - asleep . My grandma had absolutely no perception of date or time - she 'd sleep for a few hours , wake up and wander the house for a while , then go back to bed , always thinking it was a new morning each time she awoke . After two weeks I had somewhat adapted to her erratic schedule because I had no choice . Whenever she was awake at all hours of the night , she found reasons for me to be as well . I was nudged and woken up when she decided to do laundry at 4 a . m . , only to realize she forgot how to use the washer . I was awakened when she was hungry , bored , or confused , and of course when she misplaced things . The bewildered look in her ice blue eyes as she anxiously watched me search told me she honestly had no recollection of where she had stashed her purse . Bouts of paranoia caused her to stuff it with anything she considered valuable and to carry it on her shoulder around the house . The only time she appeared to take off her purse was when she showered , slept ( she cuddled it like a stuffed animal ) or got even more paranoid and felt the need to hide it . She often forgot where she stashed it , thus creating a repetitive game of hide - and - seek for me . The walk - in closet was usually where it turned up , hoarded somewhere among the endless clutter . My grandma spent a lot of time in there , aimlessly rummaging through her belongings . The closet was like a time capsule , housing old clothes , toys , exercise equipment , boxes of papers and family photos , holiday decorations and anything else my grandparents had tossed in there over the decades . To navigate through it , you had to step over and around stacked boxes , rolls of Christmas wrapping paper and other random junk that had fallen to the ground . It was a broken hip waiting to happen for a 79 year - old who was unsteady on her feet to begin with . Instead of searching through the messy closet once more , I decided to eliminate the problem . " Grandma , I 'm cleaning out this closet before you trip and kill yourself in here . Have a seat on the bed , watch what I 'm clearing and we 'll figure out what you do and don 't need to keep , " I said firmly . " And in the process , I 'm sure your purse will turn up . " " Why the hell would it be in there ? I haven 't been in that closet in years ! " she started to argue , but then nodded and sat down . The look on my face warned her not to challenge me any further . I grabbed a handful of black heavy - duty garbage bags that I would surely need and got to work . " Do we really need these anymore ? " I asked , holding up a set of work - out videos from the early 90 's . " You don 't even have a VCR to watch them . " " I don 't even know anymore , " she said between sobs . " I don 't remember what is going on these days . But I 'm sad , confused , and I feel like everybody is mad at me for being this way . " " Nobody 's mad at you , Grandma . We 're just worried about you and trying to help , but we 're just as confused as you . I 'm sorry if I snapped earlier , but I 've been losing a lot of sleep over this lately . " My grandma had the mood swings , temper and emotions of a kindergartener , and over the past few months we had slowly switched roles . Though I didn 't understand , I rubbed her shoulders and tried to be understanding . I had no idea what it was like to be old , to lose a spouse , or to be suffering from the early signs of Alzheimer 's disease , which we were slowly realizing she had . All I understood was that she needed a lot of care and that I was going to be there for a while , but that was okay . I would be there as long as she needed me . The next week my mother and I got her into the neurologist 's office and the process of finding the right combination of prescriptions to balance her moods began . While there is no cure for Alzheimer 's , there are treatments to help with cognitive and behavioral symptoms . I slept on that uncomfortable leather couch for five months before I had my bed moved in for the other nine months that I lived there . It was an interesting year with many significant ups and downs , but I have a unique story to tell for almost every single day . Last week this summer 's " On the Ave " event kicked off with a circus theme , so Jeremy and I walked down the street to check it out . There were circus performers spread out throughout the streets , walking on stilts , dancing with fire , making balloon hats and bending their bodies in ways that just look painful . I haven 't been to the circus in years ( and I don 't support them because I don 't believe in the animal cruelty that takes place at them ) . Luckily I saw no poor animals and I was having a blast . I felt like a little kid and wanted Jeremy , who is not quite as giddy and immature as me , to feel the same way . I decided that he should get his face painted . Being the great , easygoing boyfriend that he is , he agreed after I promised to do it too . And he could pick what was going to be painted on my face . Sure , why not ? I love being outrageous as much as possible . Fifteen minutes later we were painted like little black cats and continued down the Ave . I had read that there was going to be a trapeze that you could pay and sign up to try . We came across it and I got a little knot in my stomach . I 've always wanted to swing on one but I 'm aeroacrophobic , or absolutely terrified of heights . This is something that definitely began in my adult life . As a child I 'd climb to the top of trees or jump off the roof into the pool with no fear . Now I don 't even like climbing on the kitchen counter to reach something on the top shelf , so was I really going to climb this crazy ladder onto a little platform with no rails and then jump ? I guess I love trying new things and taking up on opportunities a little more than I 'm afraid of heights . How many times is there going to be a trapeze in front of me that I can swing from for only $ 20 ? YOLO . " What am I afraid of ? Getting hurt ? Dying ? " I asked myself . " What are the odds ? You 'll regret not doing it . " I 've told myself this many times , before I zip - lined and jumped off cliffs in Jamaica and before I did the bungee free - fall at Six Flags . I have accepted that while I may never overcome my fear of heights , I can at least make myself stronger than it for a few minutes . Experience something new . Say I did it . Get the adrenaline pumping . There 's a sense of accomplishment that comes after completing something that scares you . I love it . I signed my life away , strapped on the belt , told Jeremy to take lots of pictures and climbed the ladder without looking back ( or down ) . The worst part was the few seconds where I had to bend my knees and lean over the edge of the platform . But once I was flying , I let go of all fear and made it the best experience possible . I figured that I was already painted like a cat and flying on a trapeze , so why not hang from my knees and do a flip as well ? I 'm glad to say that I can cross that one off my bucket list . |
III . A kiss to remember me by . A strange , fevered evening , watching the world through wormwood . This all has to end soon , and I don 't know how to express how perfect it 's been . Or maybe I 'm just not able to . XIII . We keep talking about this . I feel like there is something I need to say , or that you need me to say , and I don 't know what it is . There was a time I was meant to lead my people out of the darkness . Maybe I still am - - I don 't know . There 's a lot of things that seemed certain that have become strangely nebulous in the recent weeks . The sky was clear , for once . After weeks of what seemed like perpetual darkness and endless cloud cover , the night sky shone cold and bright on the earth . I had spent several weeks without the guidance of the stars , so that night I dropped everything and went out into the garden to contemplate . A crescent moon hung in the sky , and the stars burned brightly . And every single one of them was wrong . This was not the sky I had left behind weeks before , the sky that told of a golden age for my people . I could not read this one at all . These stars were simply not mine . So , for the first time since I could remember , I found myself feeling doubt . Perhaps I was wrong . Perhaps everything was wrong . I had thought myself alone in the garden , but as I stared into these foreign stars I noticed that there was someone else there . He told me that there was another way . He indulged my questions . He convinced me that the life I had been preparing for for so long - - the world I had been born into - - did not need to be the future . I could be myself , happy and free , untroubled by these stars . Not one of my followers heard this exchange , but there must have been some change within me . Over the following days they all left me , one by one . My words no longer held the sway they once did . Ultimately I found myself alone . And the man I had spoken to spoke the truth : in my solitude I found myself free . And freedom was a thing more beautiful and more dreadful than I could possibly have imagined . The evening was winding down and found us on the porch with a bottle of whiskey to keep us warm as we watched the rain come . Our conversations always took a turn for the philosophical ( her influence , not mine ) , and I mentioned a project I was hesitate to work on because I didn 't want to bother anyone . She looked at me with a drunken intensity . " Man , don 't be such a fucking coward . The only things I regret are the things I didn 't do . " We 'd known each other for years . Sometimes I thought of it as more of an alliance of mutual convenience than a friendship - - we 'd decided to be there for each other because nobody else would . So I was the one she told all of her secrets , just like she was the one who got to see the darkness I tried to hide from the world . We kept each other in check . I 've always felt that anyone who uses the line about regretting things you didn 't do sincerely is either a liar or a dangerous sociopath . Every single living human being is capable of acts of unfathomable monstrosity , just as they are capable of doing things so amazingly kind you find yourself telling the story years later . So I said something like " you sure about that ? " and hinted at one of the stories she 'd told me years before . " That 's not the point . You always miss the point . " The point , she explained , was that I needed to stop being such a fucking coward . And she was right , of course . As ever , my quest for accuracy in all things caused me to miss the point completely . She regrets that she believed him , or perhaps merely that she believed in him . She 's not really sure what precisely she believed that was wrong , but privately she suspects that she simply wanted him to be an entirely different person than he was . And , worse , she expected him to play along . And he would persist in not doing so , and they would both get angry . She regrets some of the things she said when she was angry - - she regrets that anger has a way of making you say things you really mean . He regrets that he meant every word . He always means every word , and this gets him into trouble , because it 's far more important to him than saving his relationships with the people around him . Or perhaps that 's simply his excuse . Sometimes he imagines that his obsessive adherence to the truth is really just his way of denying his anger . He regrets that he doesn 't understand the self he is so obsessed with protecting . He suspects that she understood his self better than he did , and he regrets that she never shared that understanding . She regrets the dim sense that she lives in a bubble . She has overcome her reclusive tendencies and surrounded herself with people that are all amazing and brilliant and clever and witty , who talk about the things she likes talking about and make the sort of art that she likes to consume . She regrets that she feels claustrophobic sometimes with all these amazing people around , that sometimes all she wants to do is curl up with a book and shut out the world . She wishes that people understood how wonderful her life is . She wishes that she understood how wonderful her life is . He regrets his tendency to replay conversations in his mind and relive the moment as if it were happening right now . He has always been fascinated by the idea of alternate history - - if this one thing had happened slightly differently , the entire world would be different today . He feels that most of his conversations are similar . He could have done it differently , done it right . He knows that this is wrong , of course , but his mind refuses to listen . His mind refuses to do a lot of things he wishes that it would . This is a month where change happens , where the wind howls through the streets and rips the leaves from the trees , leaving them to dance and swirl endlessly , tracking themselves everywhere . It 's not a gentle breeze , either . It 's the relentless kind , the kind that saps the warmth from your bones . It 's the kind of cold you can only really get in the death throes of autumn . This is a cold far more real than anything winter can throw at us . This is a month where everything is stripped bare and left raw and gasping for warmth . I 've written so many words about these pale blue skies , about distance and alienation . The skies are never right , especially in November . But it was a November , long ago , off a back road somewhere in Montana , I think , when I last trusted a sky . I stepped out of the car and stared at the stars , so bright and clear on this bitter November night , and I smiled . I could have stayed out there forever if my traveling companion hadn 't woken up and ruined the moment with the dome light of the car . " What are you doing ? Are you all right ? " I let her drive after that . I never thought I 'd have a moment like that in the city , but the other night , between the buildings that make up Seattle 's skyline , this beautiful pale moon was rising . I stood there in the middle of the street , with the leaves whipping round me , and suddenly felt like the sky was right . Someone shouted at me from a passing car and I smiled and waved and kept walking . It didn 't matter . There would be warmth again . Things were going to change , finally , truly . The day before I left for good - - right before I actually told her I was leaving for good - - she started asking me prying questions . Some of them felt like an interrogation , but mostly it felt like she was trying to get me to open up . ( That 's probably fair : I 'd certainly closed off since I decided I was leaving , which I guess is why I hadn 't told her yet . ) What stuck with me about the questions , though , was how her version of events seemed so different from how I remembered . She asked why I 'd done something that I remembered her doing . ( We had a particularly heated argument . We got drunk and she started kissing me , then abruptly stopped and said she just remembered what I 'd said earlier , and she couldn 't stand sleeping next to me . I slept on the couch in one of her t - shirts and prayed her roommates wouldn 't notice . She asked me why I 'd left to sleep on the couch that night . ) I wondered which one of us was wrong . Or maybe we were both wrong . I felt certain I remembered things correctly , but I 'd long since realized that certainty is usually the best sign that you 're very , very wrong . So I spent the evening lying and evading questions . I probably should have felt guilty about it , but I 'd told so many lies since I came ( starting with , I suppose , " it 's good to see you again " ) that I hardly even noticed . It seemed easier and more natural than just telling her that I remembered things differently ( and starting another argument , prompting a question like " why do you always pretend you don 't remember the unacceptable things you 've done ? " ) . So I dodged questions for an evening , until it was too much . " I 'm leaving tomorrow . I won 't be coming back . " One last ghost story , then - - though I suppose all stories are ghost stories eventually . This one came after a summer spent at sea on a salvage vessel , so far north there were days where I thought I 'd never see another sunset . But even endless days have to end sometime , and eventually the dark crept back into the world . We were trying to get as much done as we could before the winter made our work impossible . This was the night of the equinox . I didn 't have a calendar , but I could feel it in the air : this was the day that summer was finally in retreat . So I went above decks , and I watched the ocean , and my thoughts turned dark . How many men had died here , under this moon , on this ocean ? How many had never received a proper burial , and were left adrift forever ? A truly ancient sailor 's ghost joined me on the decks , then . I don 't know how he got there , or how long he 'd been standing there . I didn 't dare speak , but I watched . At first I thought he didn 't know I was there . Then he turned to me and looked at me with empty eyes and told me his story , which I sensed was no longer merely his story . It was the story of a man who had left everything behind for a life adrift , and who fled that life , terrified that he would be adrift forever . It was the story of a man running : running from stability , running from chaos , until ultimately running was all he knew . He died at sea . He could just as easily have died in some quiet seaside town . What I think he wanted to impart most is that he did not die at peace . He seemed relieved , having told his story , but he did not go away . I sat with him , and we waited for the first dawn of the winter . Then I went below decks and slept like a stone . I 'd never been so eager to return home . There 's been a strange flickering light on in front of a house down the street for a while now . It 's not flickering in the traditional horror movie sense , where the flickers are fast and faint . It 's flickering like someone toggling the switch , on and off , trying to send messages in Morse code . As far as I can tell , no one lives in that house . It 's not abandoned , as such , but it 's vacant . I 'm okay with abandoned houses , but vacant houses terrify me . There 's life to an abandon . A vacant house is a soulless icon of our weird society . So for the longest time I 've avoided walking down that street . But then the light started to flicker . I couldn 't make out any pattern or code , but I became convinced that it was calling to me . People told me it 's probably just the electric going weird . These things happen . But not in a vacant house like that . They keep them pristine . So tonight I finally went over . The light flickered intensely as I arrived , then went quiet . So I sat on the front porch and said " all right , I 'm here . " The front door opened , so I walked inside . It was still furnished - - or perhaps the furnishings had been provided by the property owners , to make this lifeless space appear lived in . There was about a week 's worth of dust on everything , and all trace of the previous residents had been scrubbed clean . Not even a leftover box of crackers in the pantry . I sat on the pristine couch for a while , not sure what to say . The light started flickering again so I started talking . Just telling stories , mostly . Things that had happened that day , the sort of stories that I would have forgotten by morning had I not told them . The light stayed calm as I talked , only flickering if I would pause or ask a question . Eventually a silence fell and the flickering did not continue . I let myself out and returned home . It flickered once , as I left , in what I guess must be a gesture of farewell . I 'm not sure what I 'll do if the flickering comes back . I grew up in a desert of rock and sage , with ghosts haunting the windswept canyons - - the ghosts of everyone who died having ever called this place a home . When my lady died , I knew her ghost would find her way back there , and I knew that I 'd have to walk through the desolate floodplains to find her . I fancied myself an Orpheus , wandering the desert with a song - - her song , our song . I thought perhaps I could bring her back . I walked the canyon and sang for her until I could sing no more , my throat parched from the unnatural dryness of the desert . I remembered reading long ago that it hadn 't always been a desert here . Once it had been green and fertile , but the ghosts filled the wild , and even ghosts get thirsty . They drank until there was no more water to be found , until only the faintest echo of the memory of water remained . I remembered coming here with my lover and telling her that the spot where I now stood was once a grand waterfall . It seemed so implausible . I found some shade and opened my bottle of water for the first time , and I drank . And that 's when the ghosts came . They came at a distance and watched , as if expecting something . I took my time . I was determined not to let them frighten me . I had come here to win back my lover 's lost soul . Then , when my throat seemed less parched , I began to sing again , except this time my voice refused to work . The words stuck in my throat . The tune cracked and faltered . And the ghosts , one by one , began to leave . To this day I tell myself that the last one to leave was not my lady , that I was imagining it . But those eyes - - I 'd swear I would know those eyes anywhere . But leave she did , and I knew that my quest had failed . I returned from the desert with no water and no voice . And I smiled and told myself that Orpheus also returned home empty - handed . He died in an elevator because he could never find the right floor . None of the buttons made any sense . It 's like he entered an elevator that didn 't really exist , and couldn 't find the way back to the real world . People would come on and off , but they all seemed like ghosts , all weird and insubstantial and kind of fuzzy around the edges . The elevator never reached the ground floor . He tried leaving once , actually , but he descended several hundred flights of stairs before giving up and trying to take the elevator . He ended up on the same one . From there he just kept trying different buttons , sure that one of them would take him to the exit . Within the confines of the elevator he lost all track of time , if time even still existed . It must have been several days , but eventually he died of thirst . He doesn 't know what happened to his body , but once he died he found his way back to the real elevators and found that even in death he couldn 't get beyond them . The people seemed real now , but they didn 't notice him . Sometimes they might get a strange chill or notice him reflected in the metal , or hear a strange noise or feel an ominous shudder . One day he expects to find the floor he was looking for . He just won 't tell me what it is . The problem with other ghosts , she told me , is they 're all terribly provincial . There is no reason , apparently , for a ghost to limit their hauntings to the place where they died , or even a place that has some emotional resonance for them . " Mostly they just do that because they like to , I think . " She has been a ghost for five years and she says she is not done seeing the world . I met her in Brooklyn , a few years ago , at a pizza place that I liked mostly because it seemed so very Brooklyn . She caught me staring and we got to talking . This was her first time in New York , and she wanted to see all of the boroughs before she went on somewhere else . She seemed in a hurry to move on , like she just had this travel checklist she was working her way through . I convinced her to hang out with me for a while , mostly because her only company for the past five years have been other ghosts . I 'd been to New York before so I took her to the places I remembered - - all the places a good friend had shown me before he became a ghost as well . Little dive bars and hot dog stands and abandoned subway tunnels . And all the while she told me about the trips she had planned . Her next stop was Paris , apparently . She was going to haunt a plane out of JFK and see the Eiffel tower , the Champs Elysees , then move on to some vinyards in France . There was so much out there to see , she said . She didn 't want to be one of those ghosts who got hung up on a place , who never left it . I asked her if she didn 't like exploring every secret a place has to offer , and she didn 't seem to understand . As for myself , I don 't think I 've ever written about my affinity with ghosts , not really . I 've written about ghosts , of course , and probably even about the ones I 've seen , but there 's always a piece missing . I see ghosts all the time . It 's not an occasional thing . I can 't turn it off . It 's not as bad as it sounds , but I know I can 't talk about it without sounding weird . People think I 'm staring into the middle distance or laughing or smiling for no reason . They always ask what 's going on in my head , because my thoughts are clearly elsewhere , and I don 't know what to tell them . There 's just these ghosts here , and sometimes they 're fascinating or hilarious or sad . Mostly they 're happy to know that someone can see them . I 've never been a ghost but it seems like a lonely existence . So when they can really see someone , they like to share their stories . That 's what this is all about , right ? That 's what this is all about , then . Telling the ghosts ' stories . I don 't know if they can tell when their story is being told but it feels right . I think they 'd appreciate it . I tried asking them , but they never seem to answer . I 'm not sure if they 're even able to . There 's a lot of things I don 't think they can say or do . It 's like dreaming , I think . Sometimes in dreams there 's just something you can 't even think , because if you did you 'd stop dreaming . I don 't know what happens when a ghost wakes up from his dream - - maybe that 's how you stop haunting , how you finally move on . I don 't know . I don 't know why I can see them . I 've always been able to and I 've only recently come to terms with it . I guess I try to help where I can , but sometimes I wonder if there isn 't something more to it , if I 'm getting the whole picture , if I 'm part of something bigger . But even if they could answer that , I don 't think they would , so in the meanwhile I 'll be here , telling stories , giving the ghosts a place to really live , at least for a little while . When he died , he received a list of every person he had ever wronged , and he was left to assume that in order to continue to the afterlife , he would have to visit each of them and atone . The problem was this : he did not know what he had done to most of them . It was just a list of people . Some of them he didn 't even know . He started with the easy ones , the ones he knew . Most of them could not see him , but there was an emotional connection there . They could all sense a presence . Some of them called on paranormal experts to try to communicate , to understand what this spirit - - his spirit - - was doing here . Some of them seemed to feel comforted by his presence , as if they understood what it represented even if they didn 't really know or couldn 't articulate it . Others were frightened , moved out , avoided the rooms he liked to haunt . That hurt . Only one could actually see and really interact with him , but that story is personal . He made things right , and for that , he decided , an eternity of haunting this mortal coil was worth it . From there he moved on to the ones he knew but didn 't remember what he had done . Only a rare few even suspected the presence of a ghost , and they were the ones who found that sort of thing exciting . The rest had no idea , so he focused on the ones who cared . He gave them little hints and left them with ghost stories to tell their friends , and he felt like he had accomplished something even if no actual atonement happened . Then he found himself drawn to the names that he did not recognize . Sometimes when he visited them he would recognize their faces , in a distant sort of way : didn 't I once see you at a concert ? Weren 't you standing and smoking at a bus stop forever ago , looking ? But he knew nothing about them , and none of them seemed to notice his presence at all . He learned about each of them as much as he could . Their hopes and dreams and darkest secrets , all the little things they 'd do in the confidence that nobody would notice . He watched each time they accumulated another name they 'd have to visit when they died , and smiled to himself ( because there was no one he could smile to ) as they continued on unaware . The last name on the list was his own . He was no longer frightened to face himself , for he had learned many stories and many secrets since he had died . He knew the truth behind the stories , the stories we don 't tell , which are in some ways the most important stories there are . And at last he knew that he could face himself as judge and not be found wanting . They follow her to bed - - one of the old lovers , usually , who has had too much ghost wine . He talks about his disdain for popular literature while she undresses , reads passages disdainfully from the latest Twilight novel while she brushes her teeth , crawls into bed with her and whispers in her ear about things he doesn 't feel qualify as art . And the party downstairs continues , so loud that she can 't sleep . They don 't listen when she talks back . Sometimes the ghosts will listen politely and then respond as if she has said something entirely different . Other times they will interrupt her and talk over her . On the rare occasion they do actually respond to something she says , it is never in the spirit she intended it : she is singularly incapable of convincing them that she finds all of this insufferable , tedious , pretentious , or repulsive . She finds it slightly easier to ignore the ghost of her old lover joining her in bed , but even then the whispering , the ghostly presence , makes her uneasy . So one night she tries to tell him a story , and to her surprise she finds that he listens . It 's a story about catching the train , about little coincidences , about nothing at all - - certainly not the high art he is telling her about as he joins her in the shower . Then , as she finishes the story , he offers a contented sigh and disappears . The following night he is not present , so she joins the ghostly literature club in the living room and drinks real red wine and begins telling stories . At first she tries the stories that are the closest to their vaunted literature , but these don 't seem to work . So she tells stories about the trivial and the inconsequential , about stupid conversations and awkward dinner - dates , stories about the shirt she 's wearing and about the first time she tried this bottle of red wine , how she 'd gotten so drunk she forgot what it was called and spent the next week trying to ask fellow party guests what wine that was , and how she was never , ever sure if she actually got the right one but the label looked right so she decided it was good enough . And each time she tells these pointless , inconsequential stories another ghost heaves relief and fades into the ether , until at last all the merrymakers are gone and she is a little drunk and in good spirits ( if you 'll pardon the pun ) . She decides to write a story that is stupid and inconsequential and dedicates it to her ghosts . And for the moment , this feels like the most important thing she has done in years . I was never very good to her . She was convinced that what we had was some rare and beautiful thing , when really it was something more like the fact that I was there . I don 't think I was her first , but she didn 't like talking about that much . I do know that she loved me , and she hadn 't loved anyone else before . I guess familiarity brings contempt . She always said she liked me because I was honest , which mostly meant that I 'd tell her when she 'd fucked up . And I was steady - - she liked saying that I was solid , and that she felt intangible . So I guess I gave her some tangibility . The point to take away from this is that neither of these things make for the good basis of a relationship . I often felt like she was intentionally doing this shit to annoy me , because she seemed to derive pleasure from the times I told her that she was being insane . This led to something of a vicious cycle : me being annoyed , her acting even worse . It 's hard to write this without sounding a little contemptuous . I think we both fucked up . Later , we both got over it . But I 'm not trying to say that I was innocent . I was fucking awful to her . And at some point I think she was just trying to get me to do something , anything , remotely sympathetic . Instead I told her that I found her incredibly tiresome , that I was sick of her bullshit , that she was needy and - - well , you get the idea . I think I assumed that this wouldn 't be the thing that would make her snap . Because as horrible as it was I still liked having her around . I guess I was wrong . She took a story I 'd given her in private - - " I 've never shared this with anyone " - - and published it . I didn 't really care about the story , but I knew she was trying to hurt me , and that itself was enough to make me feel bad - - but then I realized I 'd fucked up . I tried to make things right . And at first I thought maybe she was receptive . Maybe this would be good . Then she fucking vanished . I saw her again , some years later . It was an incredibly weird experience and I can 't pretend I hadn 't thought of her often in the years between . But she left just as suddenly as she came , as suddenly as she disappeared before . I try not to worry about it too much , but I wish I 'd done things right . I wish she understood that I 'm really trying now . Sometimes , her sarcasm worries her , but not often . It surrounds her like armor , and with it she has grown bold enough to challenge the world - - though she wonders , if everything is a quip and nothing is serious , if any of the friendships she makes are genuine . So sometimes she drinks too much at parties , and her barbs get sharper , and she kisses a boy who is not interested in her just to see what he 'll do , and by the time she gets home she hates herself for it , then laughs when she realizes there is no one she can tell . He is not interested because his boyfriend is also at the party , and his boyfriend is already making fun of his " new drunk girlfriend . " He laughs alongside , of course , but somehow he feels the jokes are mean - spirited , because even if she was drunk and abrasive she wasn 't a bad person . No one deserves to be laughed at . Eventually , later in the evening , when his boyfriend asks " Are you going to call her tomorrow ? " he says , in a voice much more curt than he intended , " Maybe I will , " and then spends the rest of the night wondering why he did that . The party 's hostess is very good at throwing parties , but , she has realized tonight , she is starting to hate it . No , she isn 't starting - - she has always hated it . She does it out of a sense of obligation , which she hates , and to please her friends , whom she doesn 't particularly like . But even as she is thinking this she finds herself putting on a smile , engaging in these pointless conversations , and wishing she had an excuse to kick these people out . She doesn 't consider her roommate a host for these parties , but everyone loves him anyway . He tells interesting stories , laughs at everyone 's jokes , and doesn 't have an unkind word for anyone . But he is afraid of real , intimate connections , so he keeps everyone at a distance , because from a distance everyone thinks he 's great . And so long as everyone is happy , what does it matter ? But then sometimes someone else 's facade cracks , just a little , and he worries that maybe he 's lying to himself , too . Yeah , we used to fight every single fucking day . This was back when I was still running the magazine , and it was never to his satisfaction - - and mind you , it wasn 't his magazine . He read it because it was something that I did , and I think he delighted in telling me that what I did was insufficient . Sometimes there weren 't enough stories , or maybe there were too many . They were all too similar . There was no coherent theme in this issue . I wrote too much in the way of editorial comment . I needed a stronger editorial voice . One time he said to me something like " I feel like this isn 't a magazine anymore so much as it 's just a few of your friends writing for you . Don 't you ever publish new talent ? " For the very next issue I published some new authors ( I told myself not because he told me to , but I 'm not fooling anyone with that bullshit ) and he complained that those stories were terrible . And for some reason I still talked to him about the magazine . I 'd tell him what I was planning to do . I remember telling him about an idea for a theme issue - - I wanted spring stories for spring - - and he asked me why I thought this was interesting enough to bother with . That was always his complaint : what I was doing wasn 't new , or interesting . In his eyes I was completely failing to distinguish myself . He was constantly degrading the thing that I poured all of my energy and being into . And every night I had to defend it . Nothing worked , though : I pointed out that we were doing well and he said some bullshit about how many popular things fail to distinguish themselves . I described what I felt was unique about our stories and our publication and he merely denied that these qualities were in any way interesting . I realized I 'd hit a new low when I actually staged a little experiment where I picked stories from some other lit mags , and the stories I was planning to print in the next issue , and had some friends blindly guess which ones were mine . I came to him proudly bearing the results , that my friends could reliably guess which stories were mine , and he just told me that it was probably a sampling bias . None of this could deter me , but I felt drained . Or , more precisely , I felt attacked . I was losing my will to fight . So I stopped . Winter had finally come and the seasonal melancholy set in and he was telling me some bullshit or other - - something about how directionless the magazine seemed - - and I finally said : " You know what ? You 're right . It 's a useless fucking lit mag that nobody reads . It 's got no direction because nobody cares about it . You win . I 'm done . " " Look , I just want you to strive to improve . I think that 's important for everyone . I thought you understood that . And I love seeing how passionate you get about it . It 's beautiful . Don 't ever lose that passion . " I wish I could say I 'd said something witty , or slapped him , or even stormed off theatrically . But I just felt defeated - - it should have been something momentous . Instead all I learned is that nothing is as easy as you hope it will be . " Well , I mean . You clearly want me to say yes , right ? You 've got all these hypotheticals set up so that that 's the only clear moral choice , but , I mean , there 's so many assumptions there . I can maybe believe all the ' he 's the only one ' crap but then I have to assume that somehow I 've found this out . How did I do that without just figuring out how to stop the bomb ? " I don 't think I 've ever told this to anyone . I guess that will be pretty obvious soon enough . Even now , trying to write about it , I want to get it over with as quickly as possible , rushing over the backstory , providing a bare bones outline of events . It 's about the time I very deliberately betrayed a friend 's trust . She 'd told me a story - - I won 't repeat it here , but it 's probably still out there somewhere if you know where to look - - in confidence , but I want you to understand , this wasn 't a " let me tell you a secret " type of thing . We were the sort of friends where she would never have even considered that I might betray her on this one . It was a very intimate and personal story about death , and it 's not like it made her look bad , but - - and here I am making excuses again . The point is she told me this story in private , and she expected it to remain between us . A story she 'd never told anyone else . I don 't know why that story is the one I chose , and I 'm not sure I matters which one . We 'd had something of a falling out - - she called me out on some of my bullshit and I was in the wrong mood for it . There were some other things , I guess - - little things , cracks in our friendship that had been growing for a while , but it took me years to admit that it was anything but this stupid argument . I don 't even remember the actual thing she said that set me off . What I do remember , with perfect clarity , is shouting at her empty house long after she had left in her car . I remember shaking with rage , crying hot tears . I remember wanting revenge . So , I wrote her story . No exaggerations or attempts to make her look bad - - this wasn 't about people thinking she was a bad person . I wanted to destroy her privacy . I wanted people to see this story and write her and call her and ask her about it - - I wanted them to know those private moments , where she watched someone die . I wanted her to know that took something sacred and I left it naked and exposed . I wrote it and I saw to it that it was published in her name . I published it in the lit mag of which my sister was the editor - - another betrayal that I had to deal with . It was never widely read , but it attracted notice within our social circles . So she received a trickle of interest . At first she assumed it was a mistake , that someone with a similar name had written something . Then she began to doubt . By the time she had a copy of her own , it was too late , damage done . I never asked her how she felt about the sudden exposure , of course , but she made it clear that she got the message . I 'd never seen her so furious . It was far less satisfying than I had imagined it . Even then I was already having trouble remembering what I had hoped to accomplish - - mostly , I think I just wanted her to hurt . But it seemed empty now . In an ideal world this would end with an apology and forgiveness , but this is not an ideal world . I felt like apologizing was disingenuous - - not because I wasn 't sorry , but because apologies were not sufficient . I had very deliberately crossed a line . The idea of being forgiven , of being trusted again , was unbearable . So , in what could have been the ultimate act of revenge were she not being so damn sincere about it , she went and forgave me . Even as I tried to stay , to make it work , because this was someone I couldn 't afford to lose - - especially not now - - I could see the end approaching . One night I deleted her from all my contact lists . I stopped responding to her phone calls and instant messages . I excised her entirely from my life . The worst part of it was how right it felt , how easily I could just switch off a human relationship . The very next day I found some pictures of us together and I felt nothing at all . Instead of any sense of loss , I felt like I 'd discovered something important . I guess it 's always been in my nature to run . I couldn 't sleep , though . At this point I noticed a little red and black grid pattern when I closed my eyes . Which was weird , but I could have ignored it . Then there were these vivid images floating through my imagination . I panicked . What else could I do ? I was no longer who I always thought I 'd been . And every time I tell this story I say that Alex helped me calm down , reminded me who I was , but that 's a lie . I was too paralyzed to move . By the time I could even will my eyes open and look over at her , she had fallen asleep . I was alone under the canopy of stars , which had changed since I 'd closed my eyes . How long had I been frozen there under the grip of panic ? I took her hand in mine and finally found sleep , with that reminder that someone was there . We slept until the storm rolled in the next day . It came with flooding and thunder , and we ran inside , thoroughly drenched , and as we sat there laughing I told her about my attack . It 's easier when you 're already laughing . That way you can pretend you can laugh about that . A lot of things happened in not very much time . I was crashing at my bandmate 's new place when my roommate called and told me that our house had been destroyed by a meteor . I thought I was being strong and calm and collected when I took her out to eat . We talked about trivialities and skirted around the subject . Then she asked me if I had a place to stay and I just - - " I think I need to get some air . " I remember walking outside . I remember my hands shaking , fumbling with my phone , walking . Then I remember sitting , trembling , on the front steps of the house of a friend I hadn 't seen in years . Her name was Alex . She was my only real friend for the longest time , by the strange standards I kept at the time . When I moved out east she stayed here , and when the roof started leaking in my place out there and I didn 't think to move my roommates ' books to safety , Alex was the only person to say " yeah , that 's fucked up , I 'd be pretty pissed at myself , too . " Everyone else tried to tell me it was okay . Later on I betrayed her trust and I couldn 't take it when she forgave me , so I just stopped seeing her , except now I was on her front porch , waiting . I didn 't really remember coming here . I could have fled . I probably should have . Instead I waited for her to come up the walk . She said my name , hesitantly , guardedly , and I said something like " It 's been a while . " The suspicion in her voice stung , mostly because I knew I 'd earned it . " I think I need a place to crash for a few days , " I said , trying to sound as unobtrusive as possible . " You won 't even know I 'm here . " The silence that followed seemed like it lasted for hours . Then , " I 'll think about it . You can come in and have a beer , at least . " She led me inside , and we drank , and I was never sure , right up until she went to bed , whether she was going to let me stay . It wasn 't very late when she finally got up and made her way into her bedroom . " Just leave the light on out there , " she told me , and I thought , so this is how it 's going to be ? You 'll let me stay on your couch but you won 't even let me turn the light off ? As I lay down on the couch and put a pillow over my head I noticed her still standing in the doorway . " Well ? Are you coming to bed ? " There 's this thing that 's been bothering me recently . Whenever someone asks me if I have any questions , the answer is invariably " no . " Opening a new bank account , orientation at a new job , moving in to a new apartment . It 's always the same thing : " so , these are the basic facts , " with the strong implication that the specific facts are available if only I ask the right questions . So then they smile at me and say " any questions ? " and suddenly I 'm on the spot . I don 't know what I 'm supposed to ask . Everything they said makes sense , and if anything does come up that I don 't know the answer to , I can just ask then . I don 't really trust explanations , anyway . I don 't trust words that aren 't in stories . Stories are how you learn ; explanations are there to obfuscate . It 's just , somehow I don 't think " do you have any stories about this place ? " is the question they want to hear . There was a time this girl emailed me after I tried to fill the room that had just opened up at her house , when I was back east . I got a tour of the place and spent hours with these people , who felt like old friends . We told stories . Then I got an email saying that I didn 't seem interested in the community , whatever the fuck that means , so they 'd gone with someone else . And I remember , after I 'd been given the tour , the tour guide - - my emailer , I think - - said " so , do you have any questions ? " and of course I pretended to think about it for a minute before saying " no , I 'll just figure it out as I go . " And then , what reminded me of all this , I was opening a new bank account today , and after the lady went through all the details with me , she asked me if I had any questions . And I thought about it , and said , " no , it seems pretty straightforward ! " and I swear her smile was almost pitying . Like she wanted to say , " you shouldn 't be doing this , you don 't have any idea what you 're doing , you need to research your decisions before making them , " but of course she wasn 't allowed to . I tried to smile in a way that said : " I know that I 'm making poorly considered decisions but I 've chosen to trust my future to you , even though we 've never met and will probably never meet again . " Probably I 'm imagining it . Probably she wasn 't thinking anything at all , and that point in the conversation is just when her smile starts getting strained . Maybe it was even relief that I hadn 't gone off the script . But I remember weirdly hostile emails from future roommates that never happened , and I wonder . I helped my bandmate move his old couch into his new apartment this afternoon - - the couch that used to occupy the attic we used to hang out in all the time back in high school . That couch was old . That couch had stories to tell . " Man , this takes me back , " he said . " I remember the first time you came here and introduced me to Radiohead . I was hooked from that weird wind at the start of Planet Telex . " Of course , it did matter . That had been the day my friend got it in his head that we should be in a band , and talked me into talking my parents into getting me guitar lessons . The actual band didn 't materialize until I 'd come back from college , of course , but it was a big day , and one of us didn 't actually remember it , which meant that in all probability neither of us did . How many times had we told that story ? How much had it warped in the telling , until our memories were just of the stories we 'd been telling ? The vision came to me then : the two of us in high school , working on some homework or other . I dig around in my bag for my math book and find the CD I picked up earlier and say something like " You want to put on some music ? " and we do , and we probably even enjoy it . But there is no big moment . The album is incidental to the question he asks me later : " Wouldn 't it be cool if we were , like , a rock band ? " There 's a street light outside your house I keep mistaking for the moon . It 's the right color and shape , and it 's in the right place in the sky . Every time I leave at night I see it hanging there and for a brief moment I 'm ready to smile , to feel as if the moon is guiding me home . I always identify it soon enough , of course , and it could never guide me any further than the street . Tonight I found myself wondering if you were to blame , as if you had set this up to punish me for my wanderings . Perhaps if I didn 't slip away once you were asleep , this false moon wouldn 't be here to mock me . Or maybe you set it up to keep me here . Did you hope I would circle it like a moth , captivated by its soft cold light ? Does it worry you that I have never woken up next to you , that I leave you alone in the dark to find my way home ? But tonight the false moon was not false . The street light hung in the air above me even after I had walked past it , as if you had planted a real moon there - - and it must have been you , right ? Who else could have , and who else would have ? I was so startled I considered running back and waking you up , asking whether you were trying to send me away or guide me home . But as I stood and stared at this strange new moon , I realized the distinction was largely semantic . Either way my path was laid out before me , and my steps would take me back home . I spilled bleach cleaning the house the other day , and it seemed to drain the color from the little patch of floor where I spilled it . I tried mopping it up with a sponge but it seemed to just spread , until a whole corner of the kitchen was paler than it used to be . I put the garbage can over it and hoped nobody would notice . I had a reputation to maintain . Not that I entertained anymore . I slept easily , woke up , and got ready for work the next morning , only to find that the metal stopper in the sink was curiously pale . And I thought that was odd , but what could I do ? Maybe metal just turned pale sometimes . It wasn 't as if it looked bad . Then I noticed that the shower curtain had faded as well , and then I started to worry . As I made my way to the bus stop I noticed that everything was losing its color . The grass , the trees , the houses and buildings , all had this horrible fade about them . Like I 'd spilled bleach on them , too , trying to clean up after you . By the time the bus faded I couldn 't tell what color it used to be . What color is a city bus meant to be ? Are the seats really that sickly pale green color ? At work I spent about thirty minutes working before it was too much . I told my boss I was feeling ill and spent the day hiding in the clean white sterility of the bathroom . Eventually the automatic lights turned off , and I curled up in the dark and slept uneasily , dreaming alien dreams of color . There was a trash can on fire outside of your apartment this afternoon . I 'd been walking through the streets in a haze , staring at the sky , wondering if it was always so empty , if the clouds of winter were doing us a favor by hiding that vast expanse of shapeless blue . There was no one to be seen anywhere in this city . If the sun wasn 't at my back casting my shadow , I wouldn 't even have believed that I was out there . I stood there and watched it burn , red flames licking out of the black metal , warping the air above it , spitting a little cloud of black smoke . The flames focused my mind - - it felt like weeks since I 've had any sort of mental clarity - - on the message I knew you must be sending . What else could it mean ? No one else walked under this empty sky . But the signal was anything but clear . I hoped you wanted to leave this world in flames with me , but when I finally walked in you gave no sign . The thought of this message gave me purpose under this empty sky . I searched for patterns in your speech when you greeted me , in how you would look at me or not look at me , how you touched me and kissed me and undressed me , but there was nothing . That night , as I watched you sleep , listening for patterns in your breathing that might betray your message , your intentions , I was struck with the certainty that there was no message . You had intended nothing for me . And so my purpose faded , my mind adrift once more . I went outside to smoke a cigarette , and the sudden impulse struck me to throw the burning cigarette into the same trash can . It didn 't catch , and I was alone in the dark . The streets , the sky were still empty as they 'd ever been , and there was nothing to focus my mind anymore - - just the dull buzz of the streetlights , casting my shadow across the sidewalk . I stepped behind a tree , shielded from its light , and closed my eyes and let the dark empty streets swallow me . The first day of spring always makes me think of you - - the day you stop wearing jackets and scarves and start wearing summer clothes , and remind me how beautiful you are in a whole different way . Even now , even since you 're long gone . The chaos of the changing seasons is on us now , and yesterday the sky was clear and the temperature was perfect for jackets and scarves , and I found myself in the park with the sun on my face and I said , " I 'd be happy if spring never comes , if it just stays like this forever . " It was a prayer to the sky , and the sky said nothing in return . But that night I slept and I dreamt that my words had stilled the change of the seasons , that I had forever solidified the weather of that day . Every day will be perfect for jackets and scarves , the streets bright with cherry blossoms and the promise of leaves that will never come . There will be no spring , no burning summer sun , no dying autumn leaves , no bitter winter winds . Just today , that perfect day before spring . And you will be banished from my thoughts like a ghost . I woke feeling refreshed and alive and hopeful , but the wind today felt dead , and the rustling of the wind seemed to have the taint of the grave about it . The sun shone wanly in a sky of a dull and listless blue . I sat in the park and watched the clouds , and I swear I saw your silhouette , just for a moment , before the wind picked up and blew all the clouds into fingers pointing south . Did you end up going south when you left ? Will you bring the springtime if I come and find you ? Because I recant . I will not invoke the sky again . I want to see you smiling in the perfect endless light of the summer sun , to see you play in a pile of freshly raked autumn leaves or make sculptures from snowdrifts blown by the winter winds . And I will wait for April , if I must , if you return the spring to me . I got the feeling she was presenting me to him , which is odd because he wasn 't her boyfriend - - that was someone else . He 'd introduced us . " He 's walking me home , " she announced . She told him we were both drunk off our asses . I grabbed my coat and left my bag behind . We both knew that this was not about walking home . This was about the cool March air , and all the various places we could think of to put our lips . But we danced around the subject as we walked aimlessly . She accused me of being a cynic . " It wouldn 't kill you to actually like something for once , " she said , taunting me . She sat down on a tree stump . " Are you saying I don 't like anything ? I like some things . " I pretended to be affronted . It took some doing , because all I could think of was kissing her - - but we 'd been dancing around the subject for so long , taking the direct approach seemed unthinkable . Not that we were being subtle at this point . I could read everything in her eyes , her expression , her tone . I have no doubt I was just as much of an open book . I did . Most of what followed didn 't count as much of a conversation , but pretenses were dropped now . She told me she had a boyfriend , and I said I knew . " But you don 't give a fuck , " she told me , and I suppose I must have shaken my head . I had other things on my mind . She invited me back to her place . We were against the hood of someone 's car - - God knows whose - - and I hesitated . I made up some excuse about needing to get my bag , or maybe I just said we probably shouldn 't . I finished walking her home , then hoped I could apologize without words . Then she was gone and I walked back to the party alone and waited in the wings like a ghost . I think the first thing you ever told me is that my hometown was ugly . We hadn 't met yet , and it was the way you said it - - that tone of genuine surprise , that bright smile - - that made me think you were just fascinating . I drank too much and you stayed up with me , telling me stories about a life that seemed so much richer than life in this ugly little town . We walked through the empty streets that night and I said something like " it 's beautiful here at night , " offhand . I don 't remember much else that happened that night , but I remember that clearly . When I finally moved to the city we kept running into each other . We talked about small towns , and about how glad we were to be rid of them forever . You had changed and so had I , but your smile was still the same , and I still found myself fascinated by your words . It was probably a year before we actually started dating . We just sort of happened . You liked saying that . Like the universe , we were a series of impossible events that became something amazing . Then it was several years on and we were older and no longer as enamored with the city as we were before . It was full of fleeting contacts and superficial connections , and nothing makes you feel isolated like being in a crowd of people and realizing none of them care in the slightest that you exist . So you used words like ' jaded ' and ' ennui ' and complained about that isolation . Some days I felt like our joie de vivre would never return . Some days I tried to recover it . And you smiled at my efforts , and that almost made it all worthwhile . The towns we visited were quiet , peaceful , free of our city affectations , with so many more stars in the sky . And so long as we kept moving we left our troubles behind us , gathering stories as we went . Everyone we met was polite , curious , friendly , and we never stayed long enough to learn any other side to them . And you told me you thought it was refreshing , meeting so many friendly people from so many places , how connected this trip made you feel with the world . And I told you that I 'd never felt more alone , but that sometimes a little loneliness is all you need to put things in perspective . After the trip , we fell apart much like we fell together . I left the city , found a quiet place in a quiet town and lived there , and maybe I was even happy . I made no meaningful connections here , but I made a lot less meaningless ones . I 'm hiding , I know , but I don 't see what choice I have . Please don 't come and find me . He is young and the sort of stupid that thinks he ought to be taken seriously , and he is quite taken with a girl who is smart enough to know that there is nothing so serious you can 't laugh at it . She has a smile and a joke for everything , and sometimes , when she is feeling existential , wonders if she is missing the point , if the world isn 't a joke . And he holds her tight and takes it all very seriously , even the jokes . Especially the jokes . There is nothing more serious than human laughter . She often wonders if he doesn 't get the jokes . He often wonders if she is laughing at him , because although he is very serious , he is not so stupid as to think that laughter only means someone is happy . And she laughs at his solemn promises of devotion , his earnest declarations of love , his sincere praises . He pours out his heart and she laughs and tells him he 's all right , or a reasonable facsimile thereof . And he feels patronized . When he talks to her , she can 't keep from feeling that he doesn 't think of her as an actual person . He is very serious and has a very serious story that he wants to tell . He doesn 't understand her laughter or her jokes . He doesn 't understand that humans are not meant to be serious . Sometimes she thinks she would not mind being a prop in someone 's fantasies , so long as those fantasies had room for laughter . His do not . So she laughs at him , and finds it funny , because the alternative is too depressing to contemplate . Eventually he decides that she is not behaving like someone to whom he has sung such solemn , earnest , sincere songs of praise . And what right does she have ? Is this what she does with his love ? He begins to tell her , subtly but certainly , that she is unworthy of the devotion he has given her . The implication is that she should be grateful . Of course she only laughs at this . What did he expect ? She laughs , and tells him he should 't take himself so seriously . And then she is gone , and he is left with those words . One day he will understand , and if he is very lucky , he will laugh . I heard a drunk girl screaming bloody murder the other night , and went outside to make sure she was okay . I couldn 't quite piece together the scene - - she was in an incoherent rage , not sure whether she wanted to attack the boys trying to calm her down or flee the scene . I watched long enough to decide that she wasn 't in any danger - - or at least , not the sort of danger I could help with . Eventually one of her companions saw me watching and told me to fuck off . I smiled at him and walked back inside . Watching this scene put me in a bad way . I felt claustrophobic , felt like I should have done something instead of making an assumption based on incomplete evidence that everything was all right . What right do I have to define if something is all right ? This woman , surrounded by friends whose interest in calming her down ranged from the genuine - seeming " shh , it 's okay " to the annoyed and patronizing " shut the fuck up , Amy , " was about as alone as I 'd ever seen anyone . And she represented everything I 'm afraid of about the city . It is so much easier to be alone when you are surrounded by millions of people - - and that isolation is so much more crushing than the isolation of the wilderness . I have sworn that if I am able I will help people in need - - not because I am a good man but because I refuse to be less than human . But how can I help someone expressing rage and despair I could never hope to understand ? Her friends , if that 's even the right word , frog - marched her off down a different street . I sat on the porch for a long time with a cigarette and listened , really listened , to the city . I imagined that everyone I saw walking down our street was involved with this scene somehow , talking or laughing about it . And I cursed the selfish desire to help , to prove to myself that we aren 't alone in the city , or that if I ever break down there would be someone there to catch me . I 'm remembering a frozen New Year 's day in the northeast , drinking far too much absinthe with a girl I knew - - an old friend I 'd just met . She was so much more alive than most people , and certainly more than me . We kissed at midnight and made our way back to the subway in single - digit temperatures , the warm clarity of wormwood and fennel staving off the chill as we laughed our way through the wind and snow . She told me that night , waiting for the train , that she wished she wasn 't real . I didn 't tell her I wished that I was . It baffled me then - - did she really wish that she was a ghost like me ? Then the train rolled in and there was no more time to ask for clarification . We stumbled aboard and sat in the back , leaning against each other , as the train rumbled on to our destination . Then the train stopped , and went dark , and she whispered apocalypses in my ear . " This will be the year everything freezes and dies , " she said . " Starting with this train . " The conductor led us off the train , and we escaped into the transit tunnels . I imagined that I was a real , living person , going on the sort of adventures real , living people went on , while she dreamt she was a ghost , flitting through the shadows , lost and alone in the tunnels beneath our city . We sat in secret places and watched the trains rumble by and whispered apocalypses to each other , as the clarity of absinthe faded and the clarity of the new year settled in . This morning you woke up and you realized you 've changed , that the person that used to smile back at you in the mirror is different . The world 's been getting a little bit bigger every day , fractionally , bit by bit . Not enough to notice , never enough to notice . None of this is new , exactly . You 've had moments all through your life where you 're afraid of the person you 've become . What is new is this : you 're happy with this person you 've become . The smile in the mirror is sincere , for the first time in your life . There 's a beautiful world of dreams and lies out there , and finally , finally , you 're someone who knows how to navigate that world . |
Sy 20 , 1018 - Seber 7 , 1018 This entry is part 26 of 27 in the series The Black IdolFar away from any shore , a small sailboat drifted on the Valenfaer Ocean , its sail missing , its mast broken . In it lay a man in ripped clothing and with a ragged appearance . He was clutching a bag along with a belt that bore the insignia of a bard . Too weak to lift his head past the railing , his eyes stared blindly into the clear blue sky . He wished for rain , for that was what had kept him alive during his ordeal ; however , during the last two days , not a drop had fallen . His dry tongue brushed over his even drier lips , tasting salt . A sigh escaped him and for a mene he closed his eyes , awaiting death . When he opened them again , he saw a large fishing boat . Not trusting his blurry vision , he thought he was hallucinating , and then voices reached his ears . The man 's vision failed and he felt himself lifted over someone 's shoulder and carried upward . He was laid down on the deck of the fishing boat . Helping hands tried to get him to sit , but his muscles wouldn 't cooperate and hold him sitting . He slumped back down , his head hitting on hard wood . Drops of fresh water dribbled in his half - open mouth . It tasted like nectar to him and he smacked his lips . He tried to lift his hand , but found he couldn 't . His eyelids fluttered and he saw several men standing around him . " Kal , come over here . See what I 've found , " Simona called out and waved her hand . Her long black hair was unbound and being blown in the wind . Her white tunic had grass stains . As Kal came closer , he could see her blue eyes sparkle in the sun . He reached out to take her hand and pull her close , but found he couldn 't get a hold . Suddenly , Kal found himself standing in the middle of a clearing , alone . Simona was nowhere in sight . " Mona ! " he called and began to run . He tripped over a root and fell . Kal got up and rubbed his knees . As he looked around , he realized he wasn 't in the woods , but in a ship 's cabin . " How did I get here ? " he meant to say , but only inarticulate sounds came out . " Captain , " the boy called out . " He 's awake ! " The sound of heavy boots on wood came nearer and a broad - shouldered man stepped inside . He wore blue pants and a brown tunic , which was fastened by a rope . A full , black beard covered most of his face and made it difficult for Kal to judge the man 's age . " Here , write down your name . " He handed Kal a piece of charcoal and pointed at the board on the wall . Kal shook his head and handed the coal back . " But you carry the insignia of a bard and your sack of belongings contains a lyre and a flute . Are they yours ? " Kal shook his head at first and then nodded , a tear in his eyes . " When you 're done eating , come on deck . Everyone here works . We can use an extra pair of hands to gut and salt fish . " Kal nodded again and began to eat . For the next fortnight , Kal spent his waking bells gutting fish and placing them in barrels of salt . His skills as a sailor and fisherman returned quickly , which pleased the captain . Every night Kal lay in his hammock and dreamt of Simona . It was the same dream every time . He was chasing after her . Unable to reach his beloved , he tripped and fell . Every morning he found himself on the floor , much to the amusement of the others . When he finally had a voice again , he answered to the captain 's satisfaction the questions about how he had ended up in the sailboat and why he carried the belongings of a bard with him . He didn 't lie to his rescuers , but he didn 't tell them that he had helped Simona steal a statue for the purpose of throwing it into the sea and thereby saving a town from a curse . A sennight later , the ship returned to its home port . When the first shouts of " Land ho ! " had reached his ears he felt saddened . He didn 't want the voyage to end . While the crew had gazed upon the shore , Kal had directed his view to the sea where Simona was , ignoring the passing land . He longed for her and more than once had he considered jumping overboard in the middle of the night . Each time his own cowardice had prevented him from following through . Kal had been so absorbed in his thoughts about Simona that he hadn 't paid any attention to where the vessel was heading nor had he bothered asking the crew where they were from . As he glanced towards the town they were approaching , something about the harbor struck Kal as familiar and he looked at it in surprise . It had a striking similarity to his former hometown , yet it was different . Ten years had passed since he 'd last seen his hometown 's harbor from sea . This harbor had a larger dock area and some of the buildings he remembered were no longer visible . Could this be the town he had left so many years ago ? Kal swallowed hard . Kal jerked around and nearly tripped over his own feet . Some of the crew laughed . He gave them a twisted smile . Moments later , he was busy tying down the sails . By midday the ship was tied at the dock and the unloading began . " No , it can 't be Armand . It 's just another port , " he thought as he stared at the docks before assisting the crew . He shook his head briefly and then focused on his work , banishing all thoughts about his hometown . " Thank you . " Kal bowed . He walked back to his sleeping place and picked up his bag . He was back in Armand , his hometown . " Of all the places on Makdiar , I had to end up back here , " he muttered as he made his way down the gangplank . Kal walked along familiar streets for over a bell before he realized in which direction he was heading . As he set foot in the street that harbored his parents ' house , he hesitated , debating with himself whether or not to proceed . " I might as well find out now if they 're still unforgiving . " Taking in a deep breath , he continued on . The house looked just as he remembered it : reef grass grew over the tiles on the roof , the fore garden had a single rosebush , and the rest of it was various herbs . The blackberry bush he had loved so much as a child still grew along the south side of the building . Two boys were playing in the front yard . He was about to address them , when they looked up and then hurried inside the house . He smiled . Kal thought briefly of his younger sisters Keana , Kaylee , and Koryn and wondered if they were still living with their parents . Kal walked up to the door and knocked . " We don 't know anyone by the name of Kalanu . " A harsh male voice responded from inside . " Go away and don 't come back ! " Kal dropped his chin to his chest and stared at the ground . He briefly considered pleading with his father , but decided otherwise . It wouldn 't make a difference . As Kal stepped away from the house , he heard his mother arguing with his father , but to no avail . " I should have known better , " he thought . " Father won 't forgive me , ever . I could have spared myself , and mother , the pain of returning . " He wiped a lone tear from his face . Kal made his way back towards the docks . For a while , he considered staying at the Harbor Inn , but then he remembered that just about every sailor who didn 't have family in town stayed there . Not wanting to socialize with rowdy seamen and answer their questions or get involved with one of the barmaids for the night , he decided to seek out the Broken Barge , one of the better taverns in Armand and further away from the docks . It was close to nightfall when Kal opened the door of the tavern and entered . The room was filled with people . He was searching for a place to sit down when he noticed a man alone at a table . The man was dressed in traveling clothing : brown pants , white tunic , and a sleeveless , brown vest . His brown hair was shoulder - long , with bangs that covered his eyebrows , but didn 't hide his blue eyes . As Kal came closer , he noticed the man wore the pendant of a bard . Kal swallowed hard and tightened the grip on the bag he was holding . He closed his eyes for a moment and thought of Simona . " Everyone has a story to tell . I 'm traveling to collect these stories so they won 't be forgotten . Many of the men here have shared their adventures already . I also see you carry a bag containing a lyre , yet you are no bard , nor do your hands know how to play the instrument . Straight ? " Kal looked at his hands as if he hadn 't seen them before . The ropes on the ship had left their mark , as had the knife he 'd been using to gut fish . His hands still carried the smell of salted fish . He nodded . Kal thought , " What do I have to lose ? " He reached for the tankard of ale the barmaid had placed in front of him , took several sips , and continued his thoughts . " Father still harbors his grudge , which means I probably won 't be able to hire on next sennight . By then the captain will have heard all about me and won 't have anything to do with me . My father will make sure no one will give me work here . " " I am Kalanu . I have a story to tell . I 'm no bard , but I will do my best . My last name ? It 's not important , not anymore . Not since my father disowned me and threw me out of his house . That was a decade ago . I haven 't seen my family since . " My hometown is Armand , this beautiful port right here by the Valenfaer Ocean , where the Grenweir River finds the sea . My father was , and probably still is , a fisherman , captain of the Bountiful Catch . I was his only son and so he took me to sea with him from the moment I was old enough to hold a knife and gut fish . I thought I was destined to follow my father 's footsteps and I made every effort to please him , but it was never good enough . I wasn 't the best in mending the nets , and I wasn 't the fastest in climbing to the lookout ; in fact , I wasn 't best in anything , and I couldn 't win any competition . Father saw this as a failure and always let me know I had to do better . " My father had one obsession , which was to find and kill a beast he called Misting Blinder . The way he described it , the beast was the length of ten fishing boats and blue in color . With one wave of its tail , it could sink a ship , and when it opened its mouth , it could swallow the entire catch contained in the largest net . The beast was able to spray water in a way that it would blind the people on a ship long enough for the creature to vanish into the depths of the ocean . Father claimed that he had lost his catch more than once to this beast of the sea . Neither I nor the crew could confirm his story . We hadn 't seen the beast . " Inwardly , I laughed when father told the story of how he had first laid eyes upon the beast , and so did just about every sailor in town . No one else had ever seen such a creature . But things changed when a crew of eight entered the tavern my father was in and told a similar story . He organized a hunting party of three ships to search for the beast and take it down . I was in my sixteenth year and tried to persuade my father not to go . ' If the beast is truly as dangerous as you describe , ' I argued , ' then we should run from it . ' Father called me a coward . I didn 't want to go , but father forced me . " We had searched for over a fortnight and were nearly out of fresh water when a creature surfaced next to our ship . It was the largest creature I 'd ever seen . Its eyes were tiny , only about the size of a curled up cat , compared to the rest of the body ; its mouth ran the entire length of our ship . I stared at the creature and it stared back at me . Then it sprayed water from the top of its head and I was soaking wet , so was every other man standing nearby . It got their attention . Suddenly , there was a lot of running and yelling . Everyone but me got busy readying the large harpoon they had put on the ship for exactly that moment . The other two ships turned and soon we had the beast encircled . To me it looked like the creature was watching us with amusement . It opened its mouth and that 's when I noticed that the beast had no teeth . Instead it had something hairlike hanging from the roof of its mouth . It looked like it was laughing at me ! It was then that I realized this was no dangerous beast . " I ran to my father and tried to stop him from pulling the trigger on the ballista and prevent him from launching the harpoon , but it was too late . Almost simultaneously , all three ships sent their harpoons into the creature 's back . As if to punish me , the creature shot me a painful look , bucked like a horse that is throwing its rider , and dove under , its back bleeding . " When I saw the pain the beast was in , I took a knife and cut the line attached to the harpoon so it dropped into the sea . In retrospect , my reaction had probably been our salvation , because the creature took the other two ships with it , and all but a few hands were lost . My father , however , didn 't see it as our saving , but as the reason for our failure . He argued that if our ship had been attached as well , the beast wouldn 't have been able to pull the ships under . In his opinion , I had failed him again , and so he disowned me , threw me out of the house , and ran me out of town . " I had no idea what to do next . I wouldn 't be able to set foot in my hometown for a long time ; my father made sure of that . It hurt , not to be able to say good - bye to my sisters . I miss them , especially Keana . We were close … " Kal 's voice trailed off and for a moment was silent . Wiping his nose on his sleeve , he continued . " I decided to go to Magnus . At first I followed the river , hoping that further up I 'd find work , but it seemed that my father 's influence was greater than I had thought possible . I gave up and turned my back on the river . I would have loved to travel by boat , but none of the sailors or fishermen would give me passage in exchange for work . So I walked , living off the land . I nearly starved before I found wild berries and nuts at the edge of the forest . I didn 't know how to set traps for animals , start a fire , or cook ; that was women 's work , at least in my father 's eyes , and so I hadn 't learned the skills my sisters had . Eventually , I crossed paths with a traveling monk who taught me to set traps , skin an animal , cook , and , most importantly , how to make a fire without setting the forest aflame . " I arrived in Magnus about a year after my departure from Armand . I had learned to steal what I needed and made use of that in the city until I found work with a smith named Nai . He told me I was too skinny to work the hammer and anvil just yet , and so I spent two years tending to the fire and polishing the swords , knives , and other tools he made . " Many of Nai 's customers were bards . I admired these people and loved to listen to the stories they told and the songs they sang . Whenever time permitted , I went to the marketplace , where I was sure I could find a performing bard . It was on one of these outings that I saw her , a beautiful black - haired girl , a student at the College of Bards . She was at the place of punishment , with a whole group of students , witnessing the hanging of a woman who had been accused of killing her own child . Instead of watching the execution as I had intended , I watched the girl . She seemed appalled and broke into tears after the deed was done . It wasn 't for another two years that I would come to find out who the girl was . " In the meantime , I continued to be Nai 's apprentice . I had no talent , and I knew it . I could barely fit a horse with new shoes . Why Nai kept me , I never found out . Nai had a wonderful wife and they loved each other . When she became pregnant after long years of being childless , Nai was beside himself with joy and wished for a son . What he got was a daughter , but not for long . Nai 's wife died in childbirth , and a sennight later the baby followed . Grief - stricken , Nai neglected his duties and took to drinking . " I tried to keep the smithy up , but without Nai 's help there was little I could do , and soon there were no more customers . Nai didn 't seem to care , so I packed my bags . I waited for Nai 's return from his latest drinking binge to tell him I was leaving , but he had a surprise for me . Not only did he return sober from the tavern , he also brought a black - haired young woman with him . Her lips were painted blue to match her eyes and she wore the insignia of a bard . I couldn 't believe my eyes . It was the girl from the market : the one I hadn 't been able to forget since I had first laid eyes upon her two years earlier . " Nai introduced her as Simona Molag and informed me that she 'd be traveling to Dargon and he intended to accompany her . He invited me to travel with them . There was no doubt in my mind that I 'd be joining them , and I asked for our departure time . " Simona answered that question . Her voice left a melody in my mind . I barely slept that night . My mind was thinking of ways to make her mine . Simona kept her distance though , and slowly our threesome turned into heartfelt friendship . I found out soon enough that Simona was on a mission . She had been separated from her mother and twin sister , Megan , when she was only six years old and was searching for them . Our journey was filled with obstacles . Every time Simona thought she would get some information about the whereabouts of her mother and sister , she was disappointed . " It took us almost a year to travel from Magnus to Dargon . Simona was close to giving up hope of ever finding her family when we spent the night at Spirit 's Haven , an inn in Dargon . May , the owner of this inn , was able to tell Simona that her sister Megan was on her way to Hawksbridge . She had lived at Spirit 's Haven for several months with her injured husband , Raphael . After a fight with her husband , Megan had left with May 's daughter to visit relatives . " We continued our travels , this time knowing which direction to go . Simona had been happy and we made good time despite the onset of winter . We were somewhere in the Darst Range when we lost our way and arrived at a tower in the middle of the forest . The place looked like a battlefield . An old man and a young boy were dead . A cat sat on the old man 's chest ; it seemed to cry . A bit further lay another man with a wolf at his side . Sitting close by , with her back leaning against the tower , was a red - haired woman , barely breathing . Simona ran to the woman 's side and cradled her in her arms , sobbing . She had found her sister . In the last few menes of her life , Megan told her twin where she could find their mother . " Heartbroken , Simona cremated her sister as well as her sister 's husband and the other two dead people there . Neither Nai nor I were able to ease her pain . We continued our journey to Hawksbridge , where Simona 's mother was supposed to live . For once we were lucky . When we arrived in town , the local midwife Elena showed us the way , and we had no problems finding Anna . Nai and I watched from afar as Simona met her mother after nearly sixteen years . " We spent the winter and spring in Hawksbridge , and Nai showed quite some interest in Anna . Simona and I took to the woods on occasion ; however , most of the time , Simona set off alone . She carried with her a bag of scrolls on which she documented her knowledge of a curse affecting her family . Nai and I spent time fixing up Anna 's house and chopping firewood . My skills as a hunter hadn 't really improved in all the years , so Nai set the traps . I was happy , thinking I could live in a town like Hawksbridge and settle down , maybe have a family . I was still hoping that Simona would be mine one day , and with Nai showing so much interest in Anna , that hope grew stronger each day . I - we should have never left Hawksbridge . I should have stopped her ! " Kal picked up his tankard of ale and emptied it halfway . His hand reached for the belt in his bag and he pulled it out for everyone to see . He stared at it for a moment and then placed it on the table in front of him . Kal took another sip of his ale and placed the tankard back on the table next to the belt . His fingers stroked over the fine leather of the belt before he rested them on the buckle . His voice quivered slightly as he resumed his story . " Simona insisted we take a trip to Northern Hope . She came back from one of her solitary trips into the woods determined to leave her mother 's house . She wanted to find a mage to lift her family 's curse . Simona convinced Nai to stay behind with her mother and help her with the harvest . She had wanted to be back before winter . And so we set out to Northern Hope . For the first time since our arrival in Hawksbridge , Simona donned the garments that identified her as a bard . " I was thrilled . I got to spend several months with Simona , away from prying eyes and awkward questions . I took my chances and succeeded . Finally , the girl of my hopes and dreams was mine . In my mind I planned ahead , planned for the time we 'd be back in Hawksbridge . Nothing would ever come between her and me . The trip to Northern Hope took a sennight longer than anticipated ; the closer we got to our destination , the more accidents we experienced . We lost half of our food supply , Simona slipped and slid halfway down the mountain , and I injured my ankle , which slowed us down , but we still reached the town . Simona had explained that she needed to find a powerful mage to help her lift the family curse . " Anyway , once we arrived in town , Simona found the mage Anarr . I wasn 't too impressed with him . He was conceited , arrogant , and certainly wasn 't able to help Simona . When we approached him for assistance , he yelled at Simona . He brushed her off in a manner that would have forced me to duel had I any skill with the sword . All I could do then was stand back in frustration . Simona didn 't give up and managed to actually talk to him and he told her he 'd try to help her after the town festival . Anarr had been able to lift the curse from Northern Hope and the people celebrated . Simona gave a wonderful performance at the festival . At the inn where Anarr was staying he took Simona to his room and tried to lift the curse , but he failed . So he asked her to accompany him to Kenna with his hired hand Edmond . I wouldn 't have stayed behind , even if he 'd tried to keep me away . " Edmond seemed more concerned with a statue he was transporting and the mule he was guiding than anything else . During our first days of travel , Anarr spent all of his time with Simona , talking to her . He brushed me off every time I tried to come closer . One of the nights , he took Simona into the forest for another attempt to lift the curse . I tried to follow , but Edmond held me back . I gave in , knowing that if I ruined it for Simona , she might not forgive me . Nonetheless I felt angry , frustrated , and most of all jealous . How would I know if Anarr only had honorable intentions with my beloved ? I didn 't trust that mage , but she needed his help . I prayed to Stevene that he would be successful this time , but when I saw the two of them emerge from the forest , I knew he had fa iled again . Worse , he looked all sweaty and frustrated and was walking stiffly . I feared the worst and Simona wouldn 't answer me . I tried to comfort her that night , but she wouldn 't let me . When I touched her face , it was all wet . Hot anger rose in me . " The following evening we arrived in Kenna . Anarr again only had a snide remark for me and I was about to take him on , but Simona stopped me . I think Anarr was trying to leave me behind , but Simona insisted I come along . We left the next morning for Dargon . Anarr had booked passage on a river barge for all of us . We boarded and seated ourselves at the front of the boat . It was my first time back on a boat since my father had thrown me out . " Anarr again spent a lot of time with Simona and I spent my time with the crew . It helped ; I wasn 't feeling quite as useless and jealous , and I got to watch over her . Anarr tried for a third time to lift the curse , but failed again . I was glad to see him leave the barge the next day , but at the same time it hurt to see my beloved suffer . Once Anarr had left , all sorts of mishaps befell our traveling companions on the barge . I 'll spare you the details . The day we arrived in Dargon , the barge hit the causeway and broke in half . The causeway itself collapsed . So many people died that day or were injured . Simona found out it had to do with the curse Anarr had lifted off Northern Hope and the statue Edmond had brought with him to Dargon . It had to be warded in order to be safe and somehow the warding was gone . " Dargon got its share of misfortune over the course of the next couple of days . Anarr was nowhere in sight to lift the curse again . Simona and I figured out where the statue was and decided to remove it from Dargon to prevent further accidents and mishaps . We succeeded in obtaining the statue as well as a sailboat and took off . I don 't remember how long we were at sea when we got into a storm . The wind kept pushing us further away from Dargon and I worried that our food supply would run out before we could reach land again . The storm got worse and I was thinking it would be a good time to get rid of the statue and told Simona . She said we needed to get even further away , but I felt we were far enough away so Dargon would be safe from the statue 's curse . It was then that a huge wave washed over the boat and < a href = " / bin / gl . pl ? 2607 ″> Simona and the statue fell overboard . " Kal swallowed hard as he remembered his futile attempts to find Simona and pull her back on board . It was as if the sea had mocked him by showing him her face repeatedly , yet keeping her out of his reach . He reached for his tankard and emptied it . " I don 't know how long I drifted . The mast had broken and without sail and oars I had no hope of making it back ashore . A fishing boat found me and its crew were kind enough to take me onboard . After I had somewhat recovered , I joined the crew until we arrived back here . I debarked and went to my father 's house , but found that even after a decade , he still denies my existence . " " I 'm not sure , " Kal replied . " I had hoped to hire on the ship that found me , but I have doubts that the crew will still want me , once everyone knows my story . My father 's influence in this town may still be as strong as it was a decade ago . There is also the matter of my friends in Hawksbridge . They deserve to know what happened to Simona . " " At least you still recognize your sister , " Keana grinned and embraced her brother . " Just know that not everyone here thinks like father , and many men owe their lives to you . When you cut that rope you freed the ship and the people on board were able to come back home . My husband Jeffrey here owns the inn ; his father is one of those men who survived that hunt for the beast . You can stay with us as long as you like ! I know mother will be delighted and maybe in time father will , too . " Kal smiled and let go of his sister 's embrace . Tears of joy ran down his face , but he barely noticed them . He turned to Tray . " I 'll do better , " Tray replied . " I will travel to Hawksbridge and bring them the message myself . Do you know if Simona kept records ? This curse you mentioned interests me . I 'd like to find out more about it . " " She had a bag of scrolls which she left with her mother . All her other belongings are in this bag : her lyre and flute and a few other items . Will you return them to her mother ? " " Thank you , Tray , " Kal said , and as an afterthought he added . " You may also want to look for Anarr . He may have some answers for you . He talked for a long time with Simona . He was headed for Dargon to meet Simona and me , but never showed up . " Kal placed the belt carefully back in the bag , tied it , and handed it to Tray . As Tray took the bag with Simona 's belongings , Kal felt a gentle hand on his shoulder . He turned to look into his sister 's smiling face and thought , " Not all is lost ; maybe I can rebuild my life here . " Dargon ThingsThings are Dargon - specific characters , places , or items unique to the world of Dargon . The Things below appear in this story . You may click on one to see its definition and the stories in which it appears : AnarrArmandbellBountiful CatchBroken BargeCollege of BardsDargonDarst RangeEdmondEtrigan , ElenaEtrigan , RaphaelGrenweirHarbor InnHawksbridgeJeffreyKalanuKayleeKeanaKennaKorynMagnusMakdiarMeganmeneMisting BlinderMolag , AnnaMolag , SimonaNaiNorthern HopeRatraySamSebersennightSpirit 's HavenStevene , CephasstraightSyThystler , DarlaValenfaer Search Avatars by Sterling Adventures DargonZine is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution - NoDerivs - NonCommercial License . Reproduction of issues or any portions thereof for profit is forbidden . We welcome new readers and writers interested in joining the project . Please address all correspondence to [ dargon @ dargonzine . org ] . |
A face has been cut into the rock on the walls of the lighthouse , battered by waves since before my grandmother was alive . She would stoop a little once we reached the spot , and run her hands over the rough surface of stone , when the tide was out , and the sea was calm . As we stood watching the moon rise over the rocks she would say to me , " This is where I 'll always remember him , just like the first time I saw him , standing tall under a winter dusk , and all the stars coming out . He always smelled so good to me then , how I drank him in ! He was warm and wild . Standing here , it 's as if I can still feel the salt from the wind off the sea all caught up in his thick , black hair . " We crossed over to our sitting spot , and there I laid a blanket . On the hard ground of the jetty we ate cheese and pickle sandwiches . My grandmother stretched her shins out in front of her and caressed them roughly with her hands as if trying to rub the stiffness out . I never answered her , preferring instead to just let her talk . Let her have her visits , three , four times a year to the lighthouse . She came here to relive the same experiences whenever the seasons turned . Now , the wind had slivers of ice in it . My grandmother looked out to sea . I waited for her to begin the old story I had heard since I was a child . This was how she began . " He was the lighthouse keeper . He had beautiful seashell eyes , grey - green eyes with flashes of silver . They were shot through like marble , with those thin , silver trails . He had a boat he would take out , and would catch crabs and little fishes to sell when he could . His hands were rough from pulling on the ropes , wet and heavy from the saltwater . I used to bring him a salve I made myself , full of fat and beeswax . At first he scowled at me when I put it on him , but after a while , you know , I think he liked it . He didn 't have anyone . His father had died years ago , and as for other family , aah , I don 't know that he had any . He was gruff and didn 't talk much , and I thought he was the most sophisticated man in the whole town . He was older than me , by a good stretch , and I thought that made him sophisticated . He always looked like he had seen something of the world , things that he didn 't care to talk about , and I liked that . I was entirely enchanted by the mystery of him . " That night I saw him , he was down by the water and struggling with something . I ran over to him and wanted to help but once he heard my shoes clacking on the wet boards he whirled round and waved me away . Do you know what he had caught in a net that night ? " " I saw it jump out of the net and snatch at him , and he cried out and tried to beat the thing back . Now you know that I 'm tall for woman , Herrie , and heaven knows I was stronger then , I went rushing to him . I took a plank of broken wood and I beat at that dark thing until it let him go , and slipped back down into the water . But , before it went , I looked into its eyes , and it saw me . They were like great , white , shining saucers with burning red coals at their heart and behind the redness , a blackness . A darkness without any kind of life at all . It saw me as me as it slipped back down into the tide , with the water gushing into that awful gaping mouth . " I half - hauled him into the lighthouse , but when I got him to bed , I saw that the wound in his leg wasn 't bleeding at all . He saw it too , and he looked up at me with these sad eyes and pushed my hand away . I tried to put my salve on it but he told me that there wasn 't any use trying . I just didn 't understand what he meant by that . " Over the next few hours , with me holding him , he changed , of course . I watched it happen . I couldn 't get my head around it , but he knew all about it because it he was a lighthouse man . All I could do was to try and make him comfortable , but it was hard to watch him twitching underneath the blanket of the bed . I loved his face so much . " " Before the change took hold , he had shown me a book made by someone in his family . It was the old lore I suppose , barely legible , of the lighthouse men . That thing must have taken his father too I suppose . He never had children , or so he thought , but you know what nature is like . " Tonight , the telling of the story seemed to be affecting my grandmother more than usual . In the moonlight I could see the trails her tears had just taken down her cheeks . She said , " I took him down to the water , like he had asked me . As I said , I was a strong woman . Still , it was so hard because my heart was broken and I wanted to jump in there after him . Instead , because it was what he wanted , I let him just fall out of my arms into the sea . I barely recognised him . He had become a sleek thing , with a long mouth full of sharp teeth , jagged like rocks , like razors . But his eyes never turned , never became like the one that bit him , because in his heart , he couldn 't be evil . He had a strong soul , and it stayed with him the whole time he was changing and even afterwards . I saw it there in his eyes as I carried him . I couldn 't hold back my tears , knowing there would always be a bit of himself that was left inside . " He sank out of my sight . My hands were slippery from holding him and I cried all night , and into the next day . When my father found me I was soaked through . They put me to bed for months , and I refused to speak to anybody . Now , here I am , an old woman , and here you are , and I think , out there somewhere , he is too . " My grandmother just laughed . " Men like that can 't drown , " she said . " Neither could you , if you went into the water . " She looked at me so fiercely then that it made me uncomfortable . " Promise me something , " she said , taking one of my hands and placing it in hers . " Promise me you 'll never take your father down here . " She gave my hand such a squeeze . The moon had climbed while we had been talking . Tonight , it was about as large and white as I had ever seen it . I stood watching her for a while as she made her way towards the lighthouse . Her hair flew out behind her , and she raised her hands to catch the wind , making her shawl billow around her tall , frail body , but as I watched her , my vision was torn away towards a shining object in the sea . I thought I saw something flash amongst the waves , two bright orbs of iridescent light shone like other moons in the water . In an instant the orbs had slipped out of sight , making a smacking sound as they vanished . I saw now that my grandmother had lowered her arms and was crouching down towards the water 's edge . I turned to go back to her , but then I had a sudden change of heart . It had only been an old wives ' tale she had told me after all to cover up some love affair of her youth . The thing I had seen in the water must only have been a trick of the moonlight . I decided to leave her in peace . When I turned back there was no one at the base of the lighthouse . I ran as fast as I could down the jetty . I called her name and gazed out into the water , now rough and rolling in . Somewhere out to sea I thought I saw a shape being dragged away into the darkness of the water . I put my hand on the rock of the lighthouse wall to steady myself , but the sharpness of the rock snagged my skin . I pulled my hand away , I was shaking all over ; there in the lighthouse wall I saw it , the face peering out at me with eyes fathomless and empty , utterly dwarfed by a long , gaping mouth like a void , and within it , the rows upon rows of jagged teeth , like rocks , like razors . Today I gave someone a gift . Only then did it dawn upon me that gift giving can be a crime , and that it could be punishable . I gave somebody , in my haste and enthusiasm , a gift they did not want , and that was when I found myself here , in the library of " Things No One Has a Use For . " I am writing to you on this scrap because they have taken all the blank pages away and left only old leaflets which , if you turn over you will see , advertise church tea parties and bring - and - buy sales from , oh I don 't know when . Some are , perhaps , even from before the War . The paper is not old though , which is perplexing . It feels new . I wonder why , for example , someone has taken the time ( and presumably expense ) to print images of 1940s tea parties onto leaflets and leave them in the library of Things No One Has A Use For . But wait , I seem to have answered my own question … Here I go , onto another sheet . This one has a Teddy Bear 's Picnic on one side , isn 't that lovely ? I thought you would like that one so I picked it out specially . It was on a table with all those other leaflets . They are scattered as if someone dropped them there from a great height . Some have even spilled out onto the floor of the library . You would hate that , I know . If you were here I 'm sure you would stoop down immediately and start putting them all to rights ! I bet you would have the table polished too . Then you would turn and look at me staring at you , admiring how industrious you were and you would say , " Well look alive Maria ! " and I would be all fingers and thumbs and arms the one length , as Mum would say . No one will clean them up . Imagine that . I could just leave them here , and they would still be lying like that tomorrow . I know your next question , but yes there are tomorrows here , Amelia . They come in the usual fashion , when the sun comes up . I sleep with my head in the crook of my elbow in between the bookshelves and I lie on old dusty cushions that appear to have no arm chairs to belong to , and don 't match each other , and smell of tobacco . I put my coat over my head to keep out the light because it gets bright here so early and I can 't bear it when the day starts before I am ready for it . You know the coat . It 's the red one that I thought was so smart the day I saw it in the window of Anderson MacCauley 's . Do you remember how much I paid for it ? I bet you do . You never let me hear the end of it . And yes , you were quite right , I never did wear it often enough at all . There was that one dance , and Patrick Foy 's wedding , and then it lay in the back of the wardrobe and never saw the light of day again . Now it sees plenty of daylight , and keeps out the sun , and keeps out the chill and is a brightness here . I wish now perhaps I had worn it everyday , and never bothered about it being too ' fancy ' , but then perhaps I would have been too warm in it . I don 't worry about those sorts of things now . It never gets all that warm in the library . Sometimes I hear pipes coughing in the night , and hope that the heating will spring to life , but no joy . I 'm writing all these things , Amelia , and I haven 't even told you about my first day here , or about how strange things get when it grows dark , or about the food I eat which I don 't remember finding . One minute I am starving , and then suddenly it 's as if I have already eaten and am left holding the remains of my dinner in my hand . Yesterday it was a banana skin , a bone of chicken leg , an empty glass . Today I 've discarded four empty tea cups , an entire box of chocolates , ( full only of empty wrappers - of course ) and a large casserole dish with crusted bits along the sides . The strangest thing is that I feel as if I have eaten . I never go hungry , or thirsty for long . I just wish I could remember the pleasure of eating , it 's funny how quickly one forgets . I 've been here I think two weeks in total , but I can 't really say . I realised that I should write to you , because of course it 's what I would do if we were away from each other , in the real world . Yes , the strange things at night , I was getting to that . I hope I haven 't alarmed you . I guess I might have because it must have sounded terrible . " Strange things when it grows dark " that was what I wrote wasn 't it , and I know you hate to be frightened . Anyway , I am quite alright in the dark , you know I always was . It 's just that here the place only seems to be busy when the lights are out . People are borrowing books in the dark , it 's the oddest thing . I feel the books moving , and the low rustling of pages . People murmuring and " sssshing " each other , like in a real library . Last night a man whispered , " Oh do excuse me " as he shuffled past my cushions while I was trying to sleep . A few nights ago I grew so curious and incensed by the irregularity of it all that I got up and went to try and engage one of the book borrowers in conversation , but I could find no one to talk to in the dark . They were always just slipping past me , or in the next row , and there are no lights Amelia , it 's infuriating ! I am running low on ink now . I 'm sorry that the words are so faint , I will try and go over them again tomorrow when the next lot of pens arrive . They always appear in the morning , but all of them are on their last legs with hardly any ink at all . You see , things are always appearing when I need them , though are never exactly the things I want . The pens are , as you can see , multicolour . There are no black and blue pens . There is no blank paper , no cutlery , no blankets , no soap or lamps . No new shoes or new clothes to wear , no radio or piano , no pillows or doors - the windows all look out onto giant over - grown shrubbery except for the one through which I can see a lawn which never ends … There are no other people here , Amelia . Or there are , but they are of no use to me . The library is full of shadows . That face of his . I had always looked into it with a kind of frightened joy ; he was like a treasure never seen before , to me , but we human beings can be very selfish . I didn 't realise that a momentary affection , a turn of phrase , could be a selfish thing . That I could give a gift for the wrong reasons . But wait ! I don 't think that 's true , because when I saw him on the stairs , I had an urge to be kind to him , and before my brain could say " now don 't be foolish " I had reached out a hand and touched the shoulder of his coat . He turned , and I uttered some words , and then I saw his face . Now here I am , in the library . I thought I might read something , now that I have all this time , but they are all the books that no one ever borrows , Amelia . All the discarded novels you would see on railway stands , religious pamphlets that would end up in the bin . Recipes for dishes that are too dull to make and require all sorts of ingredients you never have in the larder and are too expensive to request from the shop . There are books in languages I can 't read , and books about things I can 't bear to , because they are awful . There are books on painting figureheads on boats ( I tried to read that one , but it was so poorly written that I abandoned it after three pages and am still none the wiser on figureheads ) . Some books are old medical journals full of jargon , others are club newsletters for organisations I have never heard of and have no desire to learn more about . There are no sections - by - topic in this library , nothing is alphabetised ( oh how you would hate it ) , the rows of bookshelves follow on , one after the others filled with volumes of writing which I must force myself to read to keep entertained , and some are so dull that I have fallen asleep within their pages . There is one bathroom . I rush there , thinking I need to spend a penny , and when I get there , I find there is a sink but no toilet . And , when I get there , I no longer need " to go . " I have tried the shower and it works . There are no towels , however . I have no way of sending this letter , Amelia . There are no post boxes , and no post men . The windows onto the lawn do not open , and cannot be broken . Any tool I might use to break them , dissolves in my hands . There is nothing of use here . Or at least , nothing entirely fit for purpose . But I understand why I am here , and it 's alright , because there comes a point in your life when you know that everything has outgrown you , and found its own little space in the universe but that you have not . Or at least , that is what I have found . I am glad that I have come somewhere where everything is out of place . Perhaps it is a puzzle for me to solve . Perhaps I can pretend to be the heroine , ( just like in those old novels we used to read - the girl detective ! ) . I am determined to make myself the most useful thing in the whole library of Things No One Has A Use For . That is what I call it . Perhaps the book borrowers call it something else , I don 't know . Not everything has a place , Amelia . If you were here I would tell you that . I would say it , not to frighten or hurt you , but because you are a little younger than me , and you might one day find life has over - taken you too . The trouble is , you waste a lot of time trying to find the thing that makes you a jigsaw piece that slots into other pieces to make a whole , beautiful picture . It might be of a train , or a valley , or perhaps a scene out of one of those famous French paintings . You might turn out to be part of a lady 's umbrella , or a gentleman 's hat , or even a large lady in a colourful bathing costume staring out to sea . But there are also jigsaw pieces here in the library , Amelia . I have tried them all out , and they don 't fit anything . I am going to turn them over , and draw on them with the terrible multicolour pens that run out of ink within minutes . I am going to use the half a pair of scissors I found ( you know what I mean , the one blade without the other ) and I am going to fix them so they can fit together . I want to give my jigsaw its own little glorious , happy ending , and then maybe it will cease to be here , I don 't know . It 's sort of an experiment . Goodness know what I shall draw . You know I never could make anything worthwhile with my hands . How funny to think that , in the library of Things No One Has A Use For , that I should find a sort of purpose in bringing together solitary pieces of cardboard . The last of the ink is running out now , what a horrible green colour , I 'm sorry about that . Oh and do turn this page over because it has an image of a swan on it , and I know they are your favorite birds , and I miss you so much , Amelia . I will try and write more tomorrow , but now I am afraid that if this letter is in any way meaningful that it might go too . Perhaps the letter might reach you after all , and then , maybe that will be a better way to test my hypothesis than the jigsaw puzzle , which , let 's face it , I may never be able to finish . How you will respond to me though , I have no idea . There are some gifts you cannot take back . Time , and love , are two of those things , which even when given in a moment , ( as words exchanged on a stairwell late at night ) can be punishable things . If you see him , Amelia , won 't you please tell him how sorry I was to have broken his train of thought as his hand found the hand rail and he bowed his head to descend . I did it because I saw him that night , looking so alone , and so solemn , and it broke my heart . When he turned around to face me , all I saw were how empty his eyes looked , how heavy his eyelids , and how far away he was from me , and it was so strange . Him of all people ! It was like we had never shared a thing together , and there I was , offering him the only thing I had , of which he had no use for . I am a man made out of ice . No , I 'm not your Jack Frost . I don 't leave glinting white fern trails on windows overnight . I just walk around in the dark , and I try not to touch anything . When the sun comes up I 'm face down on the grass . I can 't feel the wetness of the morning on the green blades as they pierce right through me . Exhaustion makes me grab at the ground to pull myself up , but I pull up no clods . There is currently no earth under my fingernails . I am transparent in the sun , the world walks right through me . I can barely see my own hands . During the day I find myself inside houses , trying to open doors . It takes a lot of concentration , but if I try I can open them . I know there are things inside but I can only vaguely see objects huddled on shelves , furniture in corners . Afterwards I always feel disappointed . I know shouldn 't touch anything , but I don 't know why . It 's just a feeling I have that it isn 't right for me to be touching them . Sometimes I can 't . I reach out for a door handle and find my whole arm is gone . In the back of my mind I can hear screams , as if I someone was in those rooms with me . I turn around thinking I must not be alone , but all I ever catch is the edge of a skirt , or the heel of a shoe , and a tap - tapping , frantic , down the stairs . I said I was a man made out of ice . This isn 't strictly true , but I make things cold . I know this because voices tell me . Cats sneeze when I come near them , and back away . I can see the breath of animals . I know that I carry my own cold with me everywhere . I don 't know if I feel cold , because I always feel the same . Exhausted . I don 't remember things like warmth and comfort . I can see a fire burning in a hearth and sometimes I 'll have a recollection of what it meant to be beside one . I can put my hands out now , towards the fire , and I see only a fog around my hands . Men of ice have no business being near fires . At night , I feel more substantial . I don 't know quite why . I think perhaps it has something to do with the way the darkness fills up the spaces where parts of me should be . I hold my hand up to the sky , and when I look through it , I can see stars sometimes . The moon makes me feel like I have an outline . Sometimes , I think I can see people . For a moment there will be a face on the street , lit up with a sudden panic . They vanish after that , and the street is empty again . " Do you ever wonder why the trees , and the animals and everything here looks real , but you never see any people ? " He asked me . I shrugged . It had been so long since I had seen anyone like me that I had forgotten about talking . I thought perhaps the conversation was over . I thought about leaving , but part of me wanted to try to talk to the man . It had been so long , but I was sure that I used to talk to people , and feel warmth , and eat and laugh and do all those sorts of things . " There 's just the cold now , isn 't there . It eats right through you . You just feel like an icicle , walking around , spreading the fog , and the chill - " " Yeah course . " He said . " Course I do , everyone like us does . Once you get to this stage , it 's hard to thaw . You want to , but when people come near you and feel the cold they scarper . You can 't get enough warmth from them to put out all that ice inside . Can 't even hold yourself together . You fall away in bits . That 's what happens if you don 't thaw . " I mused over what he had said . I told him about about how my hands fogged up when I went near a hearth . " I 've come to the conclusion now that it isn 't worth your while trying . Men of ice have no business being near fires , " he said . I last saw him a few months ago . He was in a state because a girl had started coming to the graveyard at night . There are no fences around it , only the road which winds round a little stone wall . Foxes dart about between the trees , up and over the wall , and into the traffic , They give night drivers quite a scare . I see the cars , but not the drivers . He was agitated because the girl was coming regularly , and it made him feel uncomfortable . He worried she would know he was there , and it would get awkward . He was older than me I think , but I don 't know . He just seemed like someone old . Thinking about that made me wonder if I was old , because I couldn 't remember . But he definitely seemed older than me . I thought it was funny that he was so worked up about the girl , but I sort of knew what he meant . I didn 't like having to see people either , or being seen . I saw her in the graveyard , she was vague at first , but the more I saw her , the more she became quite real . He had said she was a girl , but I thought she was more of a lady . I think the old man called her a girl because he was old . I like now to measure myself somewhere in between the old man and the lady , in terms of age . It makes me feel more substantial . I like knowing that something about me can be measured . She reads books on the benches , or on the grass at the edges of the graveyard where a little light from the street lamps floods in . The foxes don 't know what to do about her either . She tries to talk to them but they panic and run . She saw me one night , and looked at me for a while , her eyes grew very wide , but I think she could tell that I didn 't like it , and so she went back to reading her book . I could see that her hands were shaking though , and I felt bad , so I left . I keep coming back to the graveyard . Sometimes I sit on the bench and watch her read . she talks to me now and I think I reply but I can 't hear my own voice most of the time . Sometimes the words come out though , and it makes her smile . The next night she brought me a candle . She showed me how to hold it . " The trick is not to let go , " she said . Somewhere beneath the wisps of fog I thought I could see a pair of hands . We live in West , in the realm of ice , Banneran and I , and the wolf - dog woman Orkoosh . I have no memory of being born , unlike them . I used to think I was their child but Banneran said , no , I had come to them from across one of the ice plains to the East . One of the old women had put me on a sled and sent me cascading across the plain wrapped in coats of pelts . He said the sled bounded and danced - Orkoosh saw it coming as she was out hunting and came running to him saying , look , a wonder ! There is a child in the sled Banne ! Orkoosh had said that it was because she remembers . I don 't understand it but that was all she said about it . Except that the East was a land basked in Sunshine , where we had only the Moon . Sunshine was a different kind of light , she said , which was much brighter than ours , but that , as we had the beautiful stars and the emerald light , we had nothing to complain about . I mentioned to you just now about not remembering being born . Apparently that 's a gift that the people of the West have , they remember being born just as the people of the East remember dying . I have lived a long time now in the snow of the West and I don 't remember being born and I don 't remember dying . This has led Orkoosh to wonder if I am from the East at all . What memories do you have ? She asks me all the time . I answer her , only of you and Banneran . Then she laughs as if it has all been a joke , and pats my head and will say , of course . She then motions to the sled I was brought on . Go and play , she says . In an instant she will turn from me and slink gracefully into her wolf - dog form and I will harness her to the sled and we will race about the snow plains under the purple - black sky covered with emerald lights - the lights that come from some other place , and know us , and watch over us as we play . Sometimes when we stop for breath I will ask Orkoosh to turn back into a woman and ask her questions . I ask her how long I have been with them , and she will say , don 't you remember ? You have been here for one hundred and eleven years . I will question her , how does she know this ? and she will say it 's because all shape - shifters know the passage of days . When you talk of the old woman , what do you mean ? I say to her , and she replies Old age is something that happens elsewhere , and I say to her , what happens elsewhere ? She will shake her head as if she thinks I 'm silly , and then off she goes again - ZIP ! - slinking back into a wolf and we fly across the ice back to the hut , and to Banneran who loves us . Then Orkoosh will change and they will always greet each other as if they been apart for a long time , and don 't quite know each other . He will ask her if she would like to sit down , for example , and then we will all eat . After dinner , Orkoosh and Banneran will seem to remember that they know each other , and will sit in the warmth of the hut and comb each other 's hair . This will take a long time because Orkoosh 's long , unruly locks will have gathered many tangles from the ice wind . Banneran will nod over to me and say , well , where is your comb young man ? Then I will put my hand in my pocket and there it is , the comb made of wood inlaid with mother - of - pearl . Orkoosh says that the old woman gave it to me . I begin to comb my hair too , because Orkoosh says fondly that the old woman would want me to look my best . It is tradition that Orkoosh tells him stories each time that we return . I don 't know where she gets them from , they are always fantastical . My stories are about little fish that I see , glinting in the ice pools , or bears in the distance , or the moon rising . Orkoosh , however , always has stories about princes and magicians and priestesses and treasure and great ships that roam the sky , flying along on the vapours left by the burning emerald lights . Banneran responds to Orkoosh 's stories . He says playfully , no no Koos , you have told that one before I think , even when she hasn 't . Or , akakaka , ( he clicks his tongue ) Koos I don 't like this story , the prince is too arrogant , the priestess would never grant him an entire kingdom for rescuing just one golden key . Be serious ! When I ask Banneran how long he has loved Orkoosh he smiles and says he doesn 't know . When I ask Orkoosh she laughs and says , almost forever , and that she knows this because she remembers being born . Then , after the stories are told , they say goodnight to me , and I creep through the pelt curtain on the East - hand side of the hut and am in my own den . Banneran has lit a fire in there for me with his magic , and from my bed I look up to the space in the roof where one brick is made of glass , because I asked Banneran to put it there . I asked him to make a glass brick , so that I could see out and watch the emerald lights fade , and the clouds race across the stars . The fire crackles with blue and lilac flames , Banneran 's magic will keep it burning while I sleep . Sometimes I wonder , as I look up through the glass brick to the sky , what we are , and why we live apart from others . I wonder how Orkoosh came to be a wolf - dog woman , or how Banneran came to have magic . Or who I am , and why I will never grow old , or remember being born , or remember dying . Orkoosh smiles at Banneran , rolling her eyes , when I ask her these questions , and says only Because we are in paradise . When I ask her what that means , Banneran answers . He says that sometimes the people in the East have dreams they don 't wake up from , and that we live in one of those dreams . That somewhere , a boy exactly like me grew up , lived his life , and then died , and in that final dream he imagined that he was a little boy again , and that his grandmother wrapped him in pelts and sent him across the ice on a sled to the West , where the people remember being born . When I say I don 't understand , Orkoosh answers , you said you only remember me and Banneran , is that true ? I nod . Then you are from the East after all . She says , and smiles . I crawl to my den and sleep , and when I wake , I wonder why it is that I never remember my dreams . They dissected his heart with fine tools , certainty and unwavering hands . Dr Plowers had performed the operation a total of one hundred and forty - six times before and his assistants were equally well trained and experienced men and women . The viewers watched on from the gallery and took notes , nodding , sharing the odd flat whisper , admiring technique and the technology . Dr Rawl looked down at the heart of the dead man being so carefully manipulated by his colleague and felt nothing out of the ordinary . There was no body for context , only the heart , penetrated by blades . " Here we go , here 's where the magic happens , " Plowers said in a monotone . His catchphrase drew no smiles , it was routine . There were more nods from the viewers . Dr Plowers held open the now exposed chambers , making sure to get the best angle for the cameras above the operating table . There , sure enough , were the memories . They moved within the heart like living figures in a doll 's house . " Male , Caucasian , fifty years of age , death by drowning . Survived by a brother and sister . No offspring . Two nephews , one niece . One cat . Member of a local neighbourhood watch scheme . Played poker with colleagues once a fortnight . Considerable savings . Maintained a dating profile - " " How active was this profile ? " Plowers asked . He was staring down at the heart , and the little figures which phased in and out of being under the faint lavender light shed by lasers pointed into the chambers . " Five foot five inches . Caucasian , freckled . Dark red hair , shoulder length . Grey eyes , wide set , hooded eyelids . Size twelve . You can see all these points from her account picture , plus some additional information listed on her voting profile . " Plowers nodded , he was staring intently at something inside the heart . " There she is , " he said , and turned to the viewing gallery . He let Dr Rawl shuffle into his place . Rawl took command of the heart with one hand as he adjusted the laser with the other in an almost offhand , effortless manner as Dr Plowers addressed the crowd through a small collar microphone . As he said her name , the woman 's image vanished and was replaced by a close up of the heart . There inside was a tiny shape which exactly matched the description of the woman , only in a different outfit , a distinctive vivid blue cocktail dress . She was waving her arms , pacing up and down and shouting , but no sound could be heard . She kept pointing to herself and then pointing outwards . There were many craning necks in the audience , the scratching of pens on paper , fingers jabbing at screens , notes being made and compared . " As you can see , " Dr Plowers intoned , " using the Victor Phase - Light enables us to create memories from out of the past , holograms of emotions , not just artist reconstructions but images fashioned from genetic imprints left by human experience . Notice the snazzy outfit ? She 's most likely dressed just as the patient chose to remember her best . " From over his shoulder , Rawl heard one of the attendants begin to hum , The Way You Look Tonight . A ripple of recognition shuddered through the nurses , mouths smirked behind masks . An old joke . Plower drawled on . Dr Rawl was watching her also , but within the heart . In there too he saw the little tabby cat , licking its paws , beside it a ball of twine . He saw strange shapes flicker in and out of the light , people who had almost made an impression , but were not important enough to leave an indelible mark in the man 's heart . Heart Rawl sighed quietly under his mask . Heart , foot , testicle . Dr Plowers was debunking it all now , reducing the symbolism down to nothing , to atoms . Inside the heart Valerie had stopped shouting and was looking intently at Rawl . Is she looking at me ? He felt a sudden shiver rush over his skin , he wondered what it would be like to have a little irate Valerie , pacing indefinitely throughout his own organs , forever catatonic . But in a moment the figure was moving again , storming off into another part of the heart . Rawl straightened up , sweating uncomfortably in the restrictive protective clothing which blocked out the radiation from the Victor light but not the heat . He felt unusually tired . " My , look at the little woman go ! " Dr Plowers was saying , cranking up the ringmaster patter for the final delivery . " You 're lucky to be able to see this folks because usually our vestiges aren 't so active . Guess Valerie must be a real cracker , and hey , good news , she 's single now ! " The audience laughed from behind the glass . The presentation was brought to a close and the trolleys were wheeled away . Dr Rawl stood for the ovation and the applause , realising that the demonstration had all passed him by in a blur . " That 's my boy , you go tiger . " Dr Plower left the room . Joel Rawl watched him waddle away , pawing at his thinning grey hair , off to meet his acolytes . Outside the skies emptied a waterfall onto the streets as Rawl ran to the car park . He hefted a duffle bag onto the back seat of his brand new car and slipped into the driver 's seat . The car smelled like plastic . The wheel felt smooth , the dashboard shone . He wanted to admire it for a moment , to admire the way he had picked up his life , how he had transitioned from aching , wrenching futility into a blank emotional canvas everyday with seemingly little effort . Inside he started the ignition . He thought about Valerie Smyth , and the realisation that it didn 't matter how well he recovered from heartbreak , because one day , some glib Dr Plower was going to pull open his chest , take out his heart , or his foot or his testicles and reveal inside them , all the people he had ever loved and could never be free off , even though they were gone . The man and the woman from their separate vantage points stood sadly surveying each other from a distance , as they had done , year after year . The man had kept a weekly vigil by the lake for so long now , that people had stopped asking him when he would settle down and take a wife . Now the local people avoided him because they had watched him grow into someone strange . " Handsome , but witch - touched , " the old women would say about him as he walked alone down the street . " I have something for you , " he said , producing a wooden box . It was small , made of dark wood like mahogany , and criss - crossed with a lattice filigree of darting silver lines . It glinted in the moonlight as he held it out to the woman in the water . At last embracing , with a kiss they froze , and became two stone lovers . The box which had lain between them closed with a click . The waters lapped ferociously at the rocks , and cries filled the air like bleating gulls . A dark hand grasped out to grab the box , and pull it beneath the waves . " Oh , " the girl shrugged . " Those are the Lovers . " Seeing his blank look she continued with a playful glance back at him . " A man , and a mermaid , it 's an old folktale - oh never mind . " They were quiet for a moment , and both stood surveying the huddle of weatherworn stone which now resembled a little bridge from the land to the water . " My Grandfather thought there were really mermaids in the lake , so he would never let me come here . " She said . " I once had a joke with him - said that mermaids only drown boys , but he insisted that the mer - people had been very angry about their daughter getting seduced and turned to stone , and that they would likely try to do me a mischief anyway . " She picked up a stone and hurled it towards the lake . It hit the surface , then seemed to hang right on the edge for a moment , before slowly sinking below the waters . The girl rubbed her eyes , there were ripples spreading all over the surface of the lake like a shudder . " Let 's go , " she grabbed the boys ' hand and pulled him away from the water , but he said " wait a moment , " and dashed off towards the rocks . He had darted down towards the stone bridge snatching something up from the water 's edge , it was a box . The couple set off back the way they had come , as behind them , a green hand slunk back down below the water . |
But that was a long time ago . Last year when I turned 82 , a neighbor gave me two blank ( new ) canvases , and somewhere , I had also acquired a third . I do not like unpainted canvases , so I decided I wanted to do another horse . A year or so earlier , I had painted a picture of two clay bowls , and I felt I might just succeed with a horse . I almost did it right but destroyed it by over - painting . Disgusted I let it sit for a few months . I tried again with the same canvas . No use wasting a decent sunset ; but this time it turned out to be a hobby horse , straight off a carnival carousel . Second Grade was not very interesting . The teacher found that I was scratching my head too often and discovered that I had head lice . I thought it was from our laundry tub where we got a bath every Saturday . My mother got coal oil , whatever that was , and my head got soaked every night and washed every morning , and finally they disappeared . I had my hair combed with a fine tooth comb every day just to make sure . The rest of the year was not that interesting . We walked through a long double meadow , split in the middle by a copse of tall trees . Once I got threatened by a heavy set boy , but I ran and he did not follow me . Snow om the winter was no fun . It was knee deep in the meadow which made walking to school difficult , but not impossible . Summer made up for it all . The buttercups and for - get me - nots would bloom one after the other . I would pick some for my mother . One day I did find a dime , so when I got home I went next door to the country store , owned by Mr . Disascio ( never knew how to spell his name ) and his wife and son , Tony . [ Mrs . Disascio made the most delicious spaghetti , and waffle cookies filled with some sort of cream . His father ran the store and used produce from his own garden to sell during the fall . Those days were idylic . ] Third Grade was not what I liked , but only after my teacher punished me by sending me to my twin brothers 's first grade class . I had found a small sparkly disk on a chain and had given it to the classmate who did wonderful elocution poems for us in class . Dorothy was her name . She knew Hiawatha and The Face on the Barroom Floor ; all of both long poems . Well , I told my mother about it , but she misconstrued what I told her and insisted that I get the bauble back . I did try . . . even visiting the girl at her house . But she refused to return it to me . My mother asked about it often , but I could not say I had gotten it back so she was unhappy about it . I made one last effort . Dorothy was sitting behind me in class and I turned around and asked her one more time . When she again refused , I got out of my seat and fought with her . I almost forgot . . . my twin brothers , being in first grade . . . got to have their First Communion that year and I happened to be a pink Angel to guide them on their way down to the altar . The picture that was taken for that even portrayed me as a very grouchy angel . The ceremony must have occurred after my spanking , because I was not a very happy angel . One thing about the school I was in that year ( 3rd grade ) : I learned in religion class that the church made a big effort to convert a lot of people during the Middle Ages . I don ' 't know why the subject came up but I do remember that it seemed to be a bad time for the church . [ Later in college when I found out how they had done the conversions , I was so shocked that I could not talk about it for over two years . ] That summer , I was playing in the peach tree in our yard with the angel robe on and the robe caught on a branch . I fell out of the tree [ not very far down thank heavens , so I broke no bones ] but it did take my breath away for a moment . It was also the last time I ever went into the tub outside with only panties on . I figured that I was too grown up to be bare chested any more , so wore T - shirts from that time on , when my bothers and I went for a summer dip into the old tub . I did not learn to swim until years later . It was also around this time that I went to Chester Creek with my cousins and my aunt . We were having a lot of fun , but one of the more cheerful ones , turned over the inner tube float that I was using . I thought I was going to drown , but my other cousin pulled me up out of the water right away . It was not as frightening since my cousin was so quick to get me out of the deeper water . She turned to be my favorite cousin , Sophie . A short note about my penmanship . When I grew up and someone invited me to a Calligraphy class , I cheated by printing a calligraphic script phrase on thin paper . So that I could just write over what I could see under my good page . It always made a good impression then with the teacher . But that was after seven children and a lot of grief from the marriage I thought was a good one . Oh well . I say , thank heavens , because by October , I got sick . I had measles , mumps and whooping cough , one right after the other . During that time , I was able to read a lot of my children 's books , including the Night Before Christmas , my favorite . My first day out of bed was Christmas morning . I got up and got dressed in a neat dark blue sailor dress with a red bow tie in front . I had asked for a bicycle for Christmas and I got one . OMG . It was there leaving against the banister of the newest apartment we had , that over a shoemaker shop . My heart dropped . It was the wrong bicycle . Was Santa a fault or . . . ? The bicycle was a light green boy 's bicycle with fat balloon tires . I had wanted a bicycle , but , . . . I was a girl , not a boy . The poor bicycle never got ridden the whole time I had it and even after we moved across from my father 's work , I never even considered it mine A doll visited our first grade . She had all sorts of clothes to wear , even pajamas . She had a toothbrush and a hair brush and her own soap and washcloth . She was beautiful . Her owner said that she herself , never used soap on her face , but she neglected to tell us that she used creams and ointments . It took me a long time before I figured out that the creams and ointments had more to to with the face of the doll 's owner than the doll that used soap and water . For some reason , the horse pulling the wagon spooked from something on the road , and it frightened him so that he ran right over the curb , breaking one wheel on the wagon , and headed straight into the school yard . I was way in the back leaning on the small metal bannister because I had just recently returned to school and was still not able to play with the children . I was taking it " easy . " All the children started screaming at once , and running to get away from the horse and wagon . A man , from a different wagon ran into the yard from the street , grabbed the horse 's harness and stopped him in his run towards the children . I could not understand why everyone was screaming and crying . I saw who the man was and he was perfectly capable of stopping the horse . It was my father in his milk run , or he was checking up on whether I was doing well in school . Back in the school room , probably one another day , I was reading my reader . I said , " Oh , Nuts ! " A common cuss word for children . My seat mate was aghast . " You said a bad word . " My response was , " No , I did not . It is here in our book . " And I showed her the page next to the picture of a nut tree right next to the text . That was that . She never said another word . In the class , we had only one black boy learning his ABC 's . but most of the time he fell asleep . When my sister went to that school 16 years later , she was the only white girl in the class . The neighborhood had changed that drastically . In the early years , though I had to walk home and the shortest route was through the black neighborhood . I only could do that one time , because the children there ganged up on me and I guess they threatened me , so I never went through the area again . By summer time , we had moved across the street from Miller and Flounder 's Dairy , where my father worked . It was a white house with two floors . My father put in an oil heater in the fireplace and a plywood , high step - over door in the archway to the porch . He then rented the upstairs to an older couple who , although I would go upstairs and read the Sunday comics where my father stored them in an extra room on the second floor , I never met them . I would dreams of a person whose finger I was holding . It seemed to me that the whole body of that person had the same thickness as that single finger i held . I dreamt this particular dream for several years , during hte time I was married and living in Miami , Florida . It was comforting dream , and I never knew why it occurred so regularly . After a particularly difficult day , sometime during the seventh year of my marriage , I stopped to think more deeply about it . I reasoned , that if I was holding only a finger of my comforter , it had to be just after the moment of my birth . I was wrapped in a warm blanket and I was being cuddled , as all babies are when they are first born . But it did not appear to be by my mother . It was someone else . Who , i do not know . I never heard any details of my birth , only afterward , when one of my aunts , who my mother did not like very much , was helping her out during the time of her recovery . Neverthelsss , once I decided that it had been that very day and hour that i was born , I NEVER dreamt that drream again . Apparently , I was having a particularly rough time during my marriage , but did not understand why it was so difficult . My husband was never rude or contrary to me and it actually seemed that it was a strong marriage . Seven children were loved and appreciated . So , at that time I had no inkling of any difficulty . Or maybe I did and refused to admit it to myself . As it was I later found out that a divorce would be better than staying in the marriage and with a little bit of help from a friend . i was able to do that . Things actually got a bit worse , but with my dream in my corner ( how if dream can affect one 's feelings , i don 't know , but it did seems to happan that way to me . ) I actually survived and all the children are here near where I live and they are very content with their lives . A good feeling that I got them all grown and happy in what they do finally . Hurray ! I had to walk down the stairs carefully , to find my mother in the dining room . She would then unglue my eyes with a wet cloth . My Aunt Anna would fix chicken soup for us children and she gave us special bowls . Each bowl had a different story or poem in the bottom and we had to eat all the soup , so we could have the story read to us , until we finally could read them ourselves . The kitchen had a big black wood stove where the most wonderful food was cooked by my Aunt Anna . My Grandmother , had a outhouse in back yard where the garden was . Next to the outhouse , a big grey wolf - like dog was on a very heavy chain . Apparently , it was let loose during the night , but in the day time , we children were just warned to stay away from it . The garden had vegetables and flowers all summer long . My Grandmother had a problem with her legs so she was in her bed in the dining room . She was able to greet people and be taken care of when no one came by . Gradually , she lost parts of her legs to gangrene over a period of time and finally , she died . Her casket was in the living room in the front of the house . My aunt Anna did the cooking and other relatives and friends brought their food offerings . We all took turns going into the front room to pray at her casket . Later we moved to my Grandfather 's house , after my Grandmother there died . Her casket was also in their living room . A steady flow or people came and went . My Grandfather sat in his chair by the front window saying his rosary every day after that time , and sometimes my uncle Tony would sit in the other chair across from him . Many times , I would see them together that way . I remember learning to tie my shoelaces , sitting on the commode seat cover by the back window in the upstairs bathroom . The window was open since it was early spring and the peach trees in the back yard were in full bloom . [ The bathroom was large compared to bathrooms today . ] There was on one wall a strop for sharpening a flip - open razor for shaving . I vaguely remember getting spanked with the strop at least one time , but I must had done something I was not supposed to do . One day I was sitting with my mother downstairs in the dining room . A neighbor came to visit and gossip a bit . She told my mom that a man was in the field across the way exposing himself and she should be careful . It was then I learned that there were good men and bad men in the world . Never thought much about it though . But did remember that one should stay away from some men . The dining room had a vintage chandelier shade made of colored glass over the dining room table for many years , It was there even after I grew up and visited my uncles on my own . I do not remember when my grandfather died . It must have been shortly after we moved into an apartment over a shoemaker shop nearby . Our doctor was next door To y and parents house , and he had a ugly , bowlegged dog , all white and brown . The dog was a nice dog though and we were never afraid of it . So I did get a lot of medical attention . Nevertheless , I was healthy and active . I remember trying to entertain my grandfather by standing on my head in the living room . I think I did it very well that time , . I had not learned at that time to use my arms as a brace for my head , as I did later , but I never did manage to stand on my head successfully again . I guess I needed a pillow for my head also . [ Live and learn , I guess was my motto at the time . ] birthday party . I do not remember who was there , or if I even had a birthday cake . I was wearing a violet dress ; one that I remember wearing on stage in a Shirley Temple contest at a movie theater down by my Aunt Hedwig 's home . All I remember about that day , was that I was crying about something . I do not know why . Modern psychology indicates that I was too young to have such a party and it was " nerve wracking " for me . I did survive that party and continued on to have other kinds of adventures . During that May , the twins ( my brothers ) were born . Mom had started the wash as usual and I was trying to help . The twins started to cry and Mom went upstairs to take care of them . I , thinking I would be helpful , started to lift a sheet out of the wash tub into the wringer . I seem to have tried to help the sheet along and suddenly I found my hand went with the sheet under the wringer . I know then why I cried . It hurt . A neighbor boy jumped a fence between his house and ours , and I was whisked away to the hospital . It was my very first experience hitchhiking . Of course , the boy had no car at that time , very few teens did . So hitchhiking was a normal thing for him to do . The trip to the hospital was quick and I was bandaged up and returned home . Because I was trying to help Mom , I did not get a spanking or a scolding . My life from that point , [ until the next adventure ] was quiet and uneventful . I became an ordinary little girl in " Shirley Temple " curls . I even had a best friend called Ann Lavin , who was lucky enough to have gotten a Dutch haircut ( no metal curlers to sleep on at night ] . It was nice then being a young " grown - up " in the house . I helped Mom doing small jobs that she no longer had time for . The twins took up a lot of her time . My dad would read the comics to me every day . Some I remember very well , and others , not at all . Those were the days , when comics were about real people and real events . They were not what we see today , as ugly cartoons , with weird clothes and supposedly " funny " one liner jokes that are not so funny any more . University comics now are even uglier and make no effort at being funny . Oh , well . It was a time of growing up for me and I was not unhappy with life as I found it then . Now , I am well over 65 yo and find that the key to my existence has been offered as Lasik surgery for my [ first ] : Glaucoma , then when that did not work very well , it has become Cataracts . I have had sales people adjust my glassesusing only the nose clips that gave me splitting headaches . Push them to the left and the right side of my head hurt ; push them to the right and the left was worse . I asked if the guys in the back room used pre - cuts and did not get a good answer . My first faulty eye exam was a hoot . I was told that I had 20 % Glaucoma in my eyes . When I presented my prescription for glasses , I was told the change was too drastic and I should return for a second exam . The next day I did just that . The partner was there instead of the 20 % man and after my exam was over I was told that I had 2 % glaucoma . H . m . m . m . m . As a result I went to where i was more comfortable . It was a disaster also . I attempted to get the same lenses as I had in my previous pair , but was told they no longer sold them . I did not know the glass prescription was still wrong . even though it was closer to correct . My next adventure with such people was when a new small eye examination store opened up . I thought maybe that might work . When I got there for my appointment and waiting my turn patiently ; the owner noticed that I was the next one to be called . He disappeared into his office . I got instead a loud obnoxious examiner . He gave me a four lens exams for each eye and turned to me and told me that what I saw on the screen was the best I would ever see . I thought that was crude , but he had more to say : he told me that I would never be able to pass a vision test for driving again . It seems he did not even bother to ask if I owned an auto . Since I did not , I was not inclined to believe this joker . He then proceeded to give me a sales pitch for something , but having been through the glaucoma pitch , I told him not to say another word . He insisted it was for my own health . I repeated twice : no more ! Then I left . The receptionist was going to print out my prescription but I was angry by that time and I told him not to bother , I was not paying for such a obnoxious examiner . Was he going to talk about glaucoma or cataracts , I did not know , but cataracts became the " next call to arms . " One examiner even called me down and asked if I had Social Security Medicare and when I said No , he said . " Of course you do . And Medicare will pay for an eye operation . " $ 50 . 00 I was told later by a recipient . Cataracts starts with a white speck somewhere in the eyeball , usually the iris while pain and headaches are there also . These can be removed , maybe . . . . the Glaucoma can not be cured by any known factor . But my books are old - Tabor 's # 19 being one of them . Funny how age puts one in the forgetful stages . All assume that we know nothing . Strange , I just had my current eye exam rechecked against my earlier exams and found out that my 2006 eye exam has the same prescription that my last exam yesterday has . H . m . m . m Now I wonder why that happened . I think it is pretty obvious that when one gets older , one would need a stronger prescription , but never one that is eight years younger . It is so strange to tell me that I need something that is not even here yet . I spend a lot of time reading , many times without my glasses … yes , I do have to wear them … but the glasses themselves have been getting worse , apparently it is a deliberate way to get one into surgery , since even Social Security will pay for it . If I am older than I was in 2006 , why are my eyes exactly the same ? Does that mean that I am not being suspicious - because I am a crochety old lady - of faulty eye exams for the last eight years or so . Especially when I had such an interesting time with the " obnoxious examiner , " He really was fresh out of a sales pitch seminar geared for selling houses . The speaker that I remember from that particular seminar was a presenter who bounced out on the stage in a red , white and blue Uncle Sam outfit , complete with a similar top hat . His actions and advice was just as crude as the " obnoxious examiner . " No one in their right mind would survive in sales if they took the advice of the fake " USA " presenter . He must be old and grey by now though . The seminar I remember so vividly was in the 1960 's . The O . E . must have had a video of that presentation of Uncle Sam . GADs ! Well , I went to bed early last night and thought I would sleep through the night . But it did not happen that way . My live - in companion Xiao refused to believe I wanted to sleep , so off we went and did some advance procedures . He insisted we had to go outside , for what reason I did not know . I think we made about three trips outside before I actually checked my e - mail and the weather which had turned almost as cold as Easter Day in 1973 in Connecticut . Oh , my , I should have known . The eclipse was being broadcast from Hawaii . Since I did not live in Hawaii , there was no problem , but a later newscast proved me wrong . [ As usual ] There was to be an eclipse tonight . . . . . I already up and it was after midnight . So I set the alarm for one hour later and set to work on a speech I intended to make Wednesday at Toastmasters . Checked for my timing and it was to be 6 to 8 minutes long . A whole three minutes longer than I usually got . Being so late , it seemed that I made more typos than usual . The print - out made 4 pages and five lines of text . Since each page of double spaced typing is approximately 2 minutes , I figured that I had done pretty well . . . . but those typos . . . . . Ugh . I spent the time correcting and adding a bit here and there and since it was a reading of a poem , I figured it was good for about 5 minutes max . Put in lots of space markers because a good pause is worth its weight in gold . If it is done correctly . The first speech I ever gave was in a Technical Writing class at the university . I had my key notes set out on about 4 index cards and managed the first card very well , I thought . But when I went for the second card , I realized that I had already done it . Will try again later . Got an idea to make a scroll for the poem , but with all the odds and ends I keep , nothing fit the idea I had of a " rolling - up - at - the - top " and unrolling , " without falling - to - the - floor " bottom that I wanted to engineer . I did want to use my hands a little bit ; not flailing , mind you , just a little bit . Had to give up the scroll idea for another time . To be Free of Conventions is an Attribute To be Free of Conventions is the major attribute of reaching an Age where it is not necessary to be home - or work - bound on a daily basis . Many times , one can drop everything and take time to smell the roses in the garden or take a walk in the early morning and appreciate the sunrise , or the evening and appreciate the sunset . To be so tied down to one 's aches and pains , makes one a complainer , to whom no one wants to listen . I learned in my early days , after all my children were born and growing , that whenever I complained about the bad parts of my life , no one even cared . But when I started saying that Everything was fine - soon enough - everything began to be fine . The bad parts did not disappear but I had freed myself of the complaints . I actually started to enjoy my children . We took bike rides together , swimming lessons together , and a great variety of other things got done . They learned to plait palm fronds to make belts and I even made a hat with a fancy looped edge . I also learned to make a corner in my mind for nicer things to do : like sweaters and dress - up clothes for my children , and some of their toys for Christmas . Imagination got a good workout during those days . As a result , I could never grow old gracefully , even if I would be able to stand on my head . One day recently , children in my area , pulled a starter pedal out from my bike . When I pulled into a parking lot and put it on its stand , I turned to walk aways and I landed flat on my back . I just did an ab curl and I was up as if nothing happened out of the ordinary . And for some reason , no one even saw what had happened . That was months ago , but I remember it as if it were yesterday . It was such an unexpected surprise . One can never act in a graceful manner while flat on one 's back . I decided it was just a lesson for me not to be so persnickety . Live and Learn . Boy , did I at that time ! Yesterday was a long day , and I had a lot to do . Took another ride on my bike , then had to go to the Bank for my son so opted for the moped instead . A lot easier . . Why in heavens name did I think I could do it gracefully ? No time . I have too many other things to do which I like much better . Tried spinning my mohair and almost got done , but opted to spool it this time and not dye it . It is a nice silky white . Like it better . Today is a grand day . i have made all my little ' motors ' , and have only to pack up the 15 sample bags of material to be used by them . I was late going to the post office for my mail . I found only cold water with which to wash my hair , but I got a wonderful lunch from a neighbor who can make tacos much better than I , a gringa , can . Yesterday , I met a phone contact who is almost as old as I am . I tried to tell her about some things I was planning to do today , but stopped before I told her about my prepping for the speech this week at Toastmasters . She had interrupted me and began to tell me about her disabilities and how she and her husband were coping with them . I got the very strong message that my planned activity this week would never have interested her at all . Then , my son came by and he said I walked right by him without seeing him . Since he is usually in his working clothes I was thinking however it was , it had to be a workman for my apartment complex , so I stayed busy telling Xiao , my little dog , about what was going to be a treat for him , yesterday for suppler . Chicken skin , grizzle , and soft parts of what was left of my dinner the previous night . My son came after us , and I was so surprised to see him . He has a very busy schedule and for two days , I did not call him about any checks that I had to take to the Bank for him . It was great to see him in spite of his schedule . Of course , Xiao did not respond . Human talk while on a tour of our streets were uppermost on his mind . We would not go down the long street , only by some other apartments nearby . The reason was perfectly clear both to him , who was pulling very hard on the leash and to me . He had gotten hurt on two different occasions on the long street and he wanted no more of it . Period ! I did not mind in the slightest . I was there when he had gotten hurt , both times , and understood his anxious behaviour . He and I get along pretty good . When I start to wake up in the morning , he will crawl out from under the covers and sit on my chest , with his ears perked high , and just took at me . If my eyes are still closed , he will do nothing , but once , I open them , he nuzzles under my chin . Then we rough play for a while and I end up rubbing his stomach , which he really likes . I can feel his paws relaxing and his eyes start to close ever so slowly . He is so completely relaxed . I like the idea very much , but have things to do and they do not wait very long to get done . A grand surprise , this evening at 10 : 30 pm . I got a piece of Tres - Leches birthday cake , with a chocolate cookie and a strawberry on top of some great icing . It was a very nice gift for the evening . Even Xiao had a very small piece of the cake . And , as usual , I worked through half the night afterwards ; just writing what planning for my speech this week . Wow ! Not much of a milestone ? Sure it is . I have had this shelf to do for a long time . First , I had to get the proper wood ; then . after measuring the narrow shelf I really wanted to put up , I had to get the wood cut . It was a bit long so I was reluctant to use my rip saw on the wood . My poor saw like to walk a little bit sideways which is not what I wanted to do this time . I waited until the maintenance men were cutting on a table saw and requested a few cuts . They were willing to oblige and I got some beautiful straight lines . Then i said down and re - did a picture with a bit of pastel oil crayons that I had painted previously . After putting it up all night , I found that I still have to do the the chest of my horse a bit narrower and a lot lighter . But because it is only the third horse I have drawn since I returned from China , and that was in 1986 , I am a bit rusty on form . The first one I drew when I came back to the States . It was in pen and ink only . And it was a successful horse . The second was a sausage - backed horse , but with interesting bamboo and grasses . It was interesting for the bamboo and grass ; the horse was only a directional pointer . The newest one came out , a bit odd . It was like a hobby horse tha ran away from the carousel where the riders had mistreated it ; all still and wooden . However , my perfection - mode kicked in and I botched it again . I do not feel bad about this version , I will let it sit a while more until I do some ' exercises ' , I think . Nothing like mulling a problem over and then doing it right eventually . Went to Toastmasters the other night to applaud for a contestant who was in our group . Loa and behold , I saw Vic from the old T - M group at the health department . I was nice to see him again . Not only that , our contestant , thought he had lost to the first speaker , but it was discovered to be an error , so he actually won first place and will continue his journey to Toastmasters International . Hooray for him . It was a great speech with a strange ending . The kind that will surprise you , but a good one even so . The above picture was after Xiao , the Chihuahua , came into the family . I thought there would be jealousy but found that Brina only wanted to share the blanket , so she pulled down half of it from the hammock Xiao was sleeping in and went to sleep below the hammock . She knew the little one would not hurt her and Xiao , the little one , knew that Brina was a friend . Through a friend who had studied acupuncture , I learned that a major epileptic fit could be averted by a simple finger pressure directly under the partition in the middle of the nose . It is a safe Chinese acupressure pressure point and does no damage , even if it is done once or twice more . I thought he was joking . However , my dog had been given phenobarbital , a heavy duty drug that got her addicted . She needed six of those pills per day . That non - intrusive item is an over - the - counter , non - addictive pill costing about $ 6 . 00 . It is called Leg Cramps . It comes in two sizes , one for day time and one for over night . Too simple a med I thought . Brina , the dog , really goes under for almost two hours of strain . But I was willing to try it if it might help the dog . I gave her one LC in the morning with a potassium pill and the same in the evening to help with the cramping . After one or two days the potassium was rejected . I dutifully put it back into her mouth and she took it in . The next day she did the same thing , but I figured there had to be a good reason for the rejection so did not give it to her again . Then , one day , I forgot the evening LC pill . I found that she was fine with one pill a day . The pill contained quinine and was a homeopathic med . I heard from a person who had similar leg cramping seizures that he used Quinine water that helped him immensely . By that time I had learned about the acupressure point , but had never used it . One evening , Brina dropped to the ground about three blocks from our apartment . I , knowing I would take a bit longer to get back to her , I pressed her nose , then rushed my other dog home . I grabbed her " taxi " ( a laundry basket with a rope ) and sped back to Brina . I pressed her nose , one more time and I sort of dumped her into the basket upside down and started pulling the basket home . After a block or so , I heard her breathing normally . that was strange , I thought . But , curiosity got the best of me and I turned to see if it was true . She was sitting up in the basket with both paws on the front edge , happy as can be . After 4 - 1 / 2 years , we returned to the vet for something else . The vet was very disappointed I did not use her prescription . She said : " Well , it was good for you , and good for Brina ; but it was not good for us " [ meaning the clinic . ] Once in awhile , when later Brina knew she was going to have a seizure , she would hop into bed with me . and trap me between my blankets . I would not be able to get up easily , so I would press her nose and do it one or two times more . Eventually she would snuggle up on my arm and stay for about 15 more minutes or so until she knew her seizure was definitely over , and then she would hop out and go to bed as usual . My problems ? I don 't really have any , except those that I manufacture myself . Mr . Hen Xiao , Xiao for short , takes care that I am busier with him than with whatever problems I can create for myself . The day I found a beat - up bookcase , I knew it had to be mine . A neighbor helped me get it to the apartment , and I proceeded to patch , stain and repair it . It was six shelves high , and I knew that ever with all mu books , I would never want anything up on that top shelf . So up went an Indian wooden plate with ' nacra ' inserts , three Maya pottery pieces and a flower or two . I had to made the shelf back a light color since the wooden plate was a dark wood . Had some white shelf liner and hung it as a backdrop . Did not have to have it all the way down to the shelf bottom since the fool thing was so high , and that was good because my shelf liner was a bit narrow . Xiao did not h me one little bit . He decided that sleeping under the blankets in my hammock was energetic enough for him . He tends to do that lot in the wintertime . For the cold wind , Glen made him a pair of googles . I requested it since Glen asked to learn how to spin cat fur . G . was a fast learner , but on the motor scooter , Xiao needed something to keep his eyeballs from freezing with the wind chill on a bad day . His First Pair of glasses . We went for a bicycle ride this time . The first pair got stolen , probably by a neighbor who had a bigger dog . It was believed that the glasses made for Xiao would fit the bigger dog . Ha . That is what they thought ! Glen was nice enough to make another pair for Xiao and now he is ready for Summer . In fact , if I don 't take him for a ride every day on the scooter or the bicycle , he gets very upset with me , unless he had already been outside for his necessities , and found out that it is either windy or very cold . He then snuggles in the hammock until I get ready to join him . He has learned how to shift around until I get the blankets where I want them on my feet , then he creeps up to my chest and lays across me , happy as can be . Ih dear , I had to get the rest of my teeth out . I must be getting old . Every once in a while I take a good look at myself in the mirror . But not too often . I am always surprised that my face does not match how I feel . In fact after years of not even bothering to look in a mirror , [ my current bathroom is much smaller ] I was shocked to find someone else looking at me . It was not what I expected to see . Quite a shock it was to find the drooping cheeks under my eyes . And those fine lines around my mouth . OMG . I am even older today and I cannot get used to my mirror image . I liked me much better when there were no mirrors . But now I at least brush my hair down in the morning . When it is short ; it tends , in cold weather to have an electric flare - up at the back of my head . Did someone say Botox ? Absolutely not . I remember the one program on Twilight Zone when the children were small . It was about a girl who did not want to become a carbon copy of her mother and her friends . I sided with the girl , but she lost the battle anyway . The memory of her sudden change into her mother 's image has never left me . I did have a recent experience when my daughter took me to a hairdresser to get a Mother 's Day haircut . When I left the chair , I looked exactly like a neighbor of mine with a short puffy hair - do with bangs over the forehead . [ She also had a dog a bit bigger than Xiao . ] NO WAY , was I going to look like her . I shampooed my hair as soon as I got home . The next year , my daughter took me to another and I got the greatest hair - cut I have ever had . It followed the natural waves , even across the back of my head . I was so surprised . I had dreaded another child - make - over . But this time it was a great cut . Eventually , though it grew out and I trimmed it as usual . It still looks good , but I never see the back so I never know what it looks like there . No problem , since I usually wear a sun - hat for my trips with and without Xiao . It usually is better than a brush - out . When does the tag " Old Age " start ? It it a definite statement of fact , or is it something that is neither there nor here ? My initiation into old age , was when I started the university . I was 40 . I had seven children , 19 to 12 years of age , and I was a working mom . I had just given my children a camping trip of 4 months on bicycles . After that trip , I had the crazy idea I wanted to go to school again . After talking it over with the children , they agreed that I should go if I really wanted to , so I registered at the university . I was of the mistaken belief that the university meant I could do research . However , the rules said I had to do the preliminary stuff first . History , Geography , Oceanography , Geology , Astronomy , English , Oh , and Philosophy . I started with History and Philosophy . Neither one interested me in the least . Get them out of the way and struggle on with the others . I did two papers , neither was approved by the teacher . I had given the wrong conclusions . I was told that the source of Utopia was NOT a well - known country anywhere in the world , and the second : book I decided to read was NOT written by a white man . Well , I survived that class also . There was a minor detail in my life at that time . I had a series of headaches . Three of them , several , each several weeks apart , were diagnosed as : probably the flu ; just an inner ear problem , and the last , " I don 't know what it is , but here is a pill to stop the nausea . " OK , they did not know what it was . Maybe the university doctors would know . There definition of the problem was migraine headaches . but they gave me a run for my money and I had a series of tests on my head . None of which helped . [ Did I mention that because a motorcycle was cheap transportation to and from school , I carried my helmet with its clear face - guard into the each of those university exams ? ] Nothing was conclusive at that point , and I was given a tiny white pill for the latest headache . OMG . Was I kidding ? That little pill , Ok , so although I only ordered two pills from the pharmacy , I decided one little pill could not hurt . So , after buying my daughter a birthday present , I went grocery shopping and took one as I was browsing the fresh produce . Got home , decided to take the present to her after putting the groceries away . And off I went on my cycle . I reached her house , just as she was pulling away from the house and about to turn a corner . And then the pill hit like a ton of bricks . I pulled a sheet down from her porch railing and sprawled out on her porch . I lay there until I felt a bit better and since there was a guy washing his car across the street , I asked if I could call the doctor . He agreed and when I got the doctor , I asked what he had given me . His answer was " I thought you were going home and going to bed . " " What ? I have seven children . I NEVER go to bed with a headache ! " This was my first clue that I was getting old . Anyone over 40 does not have a headache , they always have migraines . Don 't treat anything else . To make matters worse , I had a small stroke when I purchased a \ cup of coffee out of a machine that first year . Suddenly , without any thought , I crushed the paper cup I held in my hand , and burned my hand with the hot liquid . The doctor was very nice about it and said I needed an EKG . Well , that was different . After the exam , I asked the doctor what the EKG showed . " Oh , nothing , you have to be having a stroke in order for it to show anything . " " But I can no longer type . When I start to type one word , I get only the first letter , the rest can be any other word in the dictionary that I might know . I did have a stroke of some sort . " The reply : " Not necessarily . You are just having normal typos . I do that also . " I spent more than two months teaching myself to type properly again . I had to spell out loud the words that I really wanted to type and place each finger deliberately on the proper key . The process worked to my advantage . I managed to ace 95 wpm in a later typing test . So much for doctors . After 40 there are no other problems than migraines . Has anyone else found this to be true ? I am just finding out that I am NOT old , even though I have slowed down quite a bit , I have circled the world one time . What does getting old mean to anyone right now ? A long time ago , a very long time ago I took my first journey on my own , but with my two brothers in tow . We crossed the city and went to visit old neighbors . It was quite an experience for a fourth grader . Much later at 72 , I learned to spin thread and weave cloth , paint furniture and upholster the same . I like gluing things together whether it be a bookcase , or a necklace . I have had to re - learn what I knew a long time ago about painting pictures . Not a real problem , except when I try to use thick paints . Then the work become over - baked examples of what not to do . But , who cares except me . View my complete profile |
Leave a Comment » In Mt . Airy , North Carolina , I turn onto Rt . 52 North . After crossing the state line into Virginia , the terrain changes from hilly to mountainous and the road snakes almost straight up . I grip the steering wheel and press the gas pedal to the floor , urging my van to keep climbing . Good thing there 's a passing lane so the locals don 't get too impatient with flatlanders like me . The road almost levels out and I breathe a sigh of relief . A sign says Fancy Gap and a stone arch carries the Blue Ridge Parkway over the highway . I love the Parkway , but grandchildren wait on the other side of the Blue Ridge , so I 'll stay on 52 to Hillsville , after which I 'll take a series of mountain roads to the New River Valley . Fancy Gap is a quiet village , if you stay away from the Interstate that roars through , and the countryside is a vista of rolling hills and farmland . Between Fancy Gap and Hillsville , as I round a curve , I 'm treated to a vision that could have dropped out of a fairy tale . On a hill with a magnificent view of surrounding farmland and mountains , sits the Sidna Allen House , an exquisite Queen Anne home built over 100 years ago . The first time I saw it , I could hardly believe my eyes . What was this jewel of Victorian architecture , with gingerbread trim and stained glass windows , doing here in Appalachia ? The second time , I stopped to take pictures and read the large billboard advertising tours . There was no one at the place , so I jotted down the phone number on the sign . But when I called the number , it no longer worked . I pass through here a couple times a year on my way to and from my daughter 's , generally stopping to admire and take pictures , but I always respected the No Trespassing signs and enjoyed the house from the roadside . I didn 't give up my desire for a tour . I learned the house had changed hands from the family that owned it to , thankfully , the Carroll County Historical Society . Unfortunately , no one was giving tours . But I remained intrigued . I searched the internet and found a colorful history . Sidna Allen was a prosperous merchant in Fancy Gap . He built the house in 1911 for his wife Betty and their daughters . Sidna spared no expense . He used the best materials and finest workmanship and the house was a showcase in its day . But now it sat empty . Year after year as I drove by , I watched paint peel and the place look more and more neglected . I hoped the interior was holding up better than the façade . Pictures on the internet showed an artfully appointed residence , shining woodwork , beautiful wallpaper . How I longed to see inside . The history of the Allen family and Fancy Gap is a tale worthy of the Wild West . Many of Sidna 's brothers and nephews were criminals and bullies , but they were either too slick to get caught or in cahoots with the law . Brother Floyd actually served as a deputy . The house of cards eventually collapsed , however . When two nephews were arrested for assault , Floyd waylaid the deputies who were transporting them and freed the boys . He was subsequently charged with battering the lawmen , but he vowed he 'd never spend a day in jail . The trial took place March 12th and 13th , 1912 . Despite death threats , the judge refused to prohibit firearms in the courtroom . Even the defendant was packing . When the verdict came down - Guilty ! - Floyd Allen stood up and declared , " Gentlemen , I just ain 't a goin ' . " To this day , no one knows who fired the first shot . Over fifty bullets were later collected and the courthouse stairs still has two holes from Floyd 's last shots . When the smoke cleared , the judge , prosecutor , sheriff , a juror , and a witness were dead , and many , including Floyd Allen , were wounded . The incident went down in history as the " Hillsville Courthouse Massacre " and through the years books and songs and a play have been written about it . Floyd and his son Claud died in the electric chair and other family members went to prison , including Sidna Allen . Sidna 's involvement in the shoot - out has been debated for 100 years . If not one of the shooters , he was guilty by association . His family lived in their beautiful home only a year . Floyd spent his last free night in the house . This was probably Sidna 's last night there as well . The tragedy changed everything . The family of one of the victims sued and the property was part of the settlement . On August 22 , having spent my summer traveling and visiting grandchildren , I set out for Florida . I gassed up in Hillsville and headed toward Fancy Gap . Driving by the Sidna Allen House , I noticed something new : people and activity . A man sat on the front porch . I pulled off the road and asked if I could look inside . The man turned out to be Ed Stanley , President of the Carroll County Historical Society . He said I could come in and look around , but they were getting ready to do some filming . A documentary . They were trying to raise money to restore the house . A handsome woman in period costume came to the door and invited me in - Betty Allen herself ! She said she had a few minutes to spare and took me on the grand tour . At long last ! I felt like a kid at Disneyland . Not a large residence , it was a palace in its day . Miss Betty is very proud of " her " house and knowledgeable of its construction and what it will take to restore . Despite the tattered wall paper , cracked and peeling paint , and plaster separating from its lathes , the quality remains evident . Floors are oak and white maple . Mantles are cherry and tile . Windows and doors are situated to catch cross breezes in summer . Miss Betty proudly pointed out these and many other features . She has immersed herself in her character and agreed the story would make a good movie or miniseries . I think part of what makes the tale so fascinating is the characters . Despite being scoundrels , the Allens were smart and resourceful . Sidna was a skilled craftsman . In prison and after , he made beautiful pieces of inlaid furniture . Leave a Comment » On January 21st , I had a most extraordinary experience . I stood in the midst of the largest crowd I 'd ever encountered and was overwhelmed by peace and good will . A million strong , we stood shoulder to shoulder , packed so closely together we could barely move , yet everyone was friendly and polite . Kindness and respect for one another were the order of the day . I 'm not sure what I expected when I set out on this adventure . I was not a likely candidate for a political rally . In my college days , during the Viet Nam War , I 'd pass fellow students and professors staging sit - ins on the lawn when I went to class . My sentiments were with them , but as a penniless scholarship student , my spare time was devoted to work and study . In after years , while causes came and went , I was busy with family and work . More recently , I gathered signatures on petitions for environmental causes , emailed politicians , and wrote letters to the editor of the local newspaper . But I 'd never done anything like this before . When a lady at church announced plans to hire a charter bus to the Women 's March in Washington , something nudged me . This was something I knew I must do . Another lady recruited volunteers to crochet and knit pink hats for the marchers . Armed with my crochet hook and pink yarn , I lost count after a half - dozen hats . I hadn 't realized how much preparation was required for such an event . We were asked to register online so organizers could plan for numbers , get parade permits , and arrange for porta - potties and first aid stations . I attended a meeting on how we should conduct ourselves , how to dress for the weather , and what kinds of bags we 'd be allowed to carry . Those making signs were given guidelines - they should have a positive message . This was to be a solidarity march , not a protest . I didn 't want to carry a sign but was paired up with a young woman who couldn 't attend due to her disability . I wore her picture on my back , allowing her to participate in the march . The trip to DC was an adventure in itself . We left at 6pm and traveled through the night , changing drivers in North Carolina . About 5 : 30 Saturday morning , the bus stopped at a truck stop outside DC to gas up and let us use the restroom . The line for the ladies ' room was long and slow - moving . I fueled up on coffee and a banana while I waited . The clerks in the store were friendly and helpful . They allowed ladies to use the toilets in the shower rooms . I quipped that we should take over the men 's room , since we outnumbered them . Someone took me seriously . When the last man came out , a group of ladies crowded in . Occasionally some poor man would walk in and see all those women . Thinking he had mistakenly entered the wrong restroom , the panicked look on his face was priceless ! We 'd invited him in and say , " You can use a stall . " Everything worked out just fine . We pulled into the Naylor Road Metro station about 8am . The last time I rode a subway , you put a coin or token in a slot . No more . We 'd been advised to purchase Metro cards , a sort of debit card . The man at the turn style must have been used to tourists . He patiently instructed us to swipe the cards . Over and over . He must have felt like a broken record by the end of his shift . At the end of the ride , at L ' Enfant Plaza , we swiped the cards again . I don 't know why . Marchers from Florida were to assemble on a corner of Independence Avenue near the Capitol . I had signed up for the Florida Breakfast hosted by our women Senators and Representatives , held at the Library of Congress . We went to the building but couldn 't find the breakfast . We didn 't realize there are two buildings . By the time we found the breakfast line at the other building , it was still a block long and we were running out of time , so we skipped breakfast . I found the Florida delegation but got separated from my bus mates and didn 't see them for the rest of the day . The throng moved down Independence Ave . Spirits were high but the crowd was twice the size as had been anticipated . We reached the National Museum of the American Indian and many people were uncertain which way to go . Some tried to circle the building , only to find a dead end . I tried a passage between the museum and a reflecting pool , but there was no egress and I had to double back . Some adventurous souls took the short cut , wading across the pool . Somehow , I ended up on Jefferson Ave . Lining the Mall was a row of porta potties . I didn 't knowing when I 'd have another opportunity , so I got in line . Everyone was courteous and cheerful despite the wait . Afterward , I found myself on the Mall . This park is over a mile long and nearly a third of a mile wide . There was barely standing room . A man next to me hoisted his little boy up on his shoulders and asked if he could see any open area . The child said , " No , it 's like this everywhere . " Occasionally a line of people would move through the crowd and I 'd move with them . We 'd jostle one another and say , " Oh , excuse me . " I knew better than to carry a purse and had a " fanny pack " under my jacket , but I was aware of no attempted thefts or other unpleasant actions . The people - every race and religion , every state in the nation was represented , and I heard there was a couple from Australia . I spoke with a young woman from Miami was had driven here by herself for the march . It wasn 't exclusively a woman 's march . There were many men , and families with children . By the end of the day , the children were tired and the parents exhausted , but I heard no harsh words or crying children . In a post I read after the march , a woman told how her little girl had been impressed by the kindness she saw everywhere . Eventually I moved down the Mall , past the museums . Later , a man on our bus said he 'd gone into the Museum of American History to get something to eat and use the restroom . I love these museums , but I wasn 't here for that . I stayed in the crowd and ate the sandwich I 'd brought . Near the Smithsonian castle , I found some open space and a tent with tables and chairs . I was glad to get off my feet and chat with the others resting there . As I made my way past a carousel , I heard loud cheering and decided to check it out . I knew there were to be speakers but wasn 't sure where they 'd be . I joined a crown squeezing by the African Art Museum toward Independence Avenue . That 's where the excitement was . This street and even the side streets were packed . I could hear speakers but caught only occasional snatches of their speeches . There were large screens and loudspeakers , but they were too far away and I was too short to see over the crowd . So I chatted with the people around me about where they were from and why they had come . Every social justice issue was represented , from Education to Racial Justice . My pet cause is the Environment . Let 's face it , without a livable Earth , those other issues won 't amount to a hill of beans . The march was supposed to start at 1pm . The speeches went on until after 2pm . We were getting restless , partly because we couldn 't hear much of what was being said . We started chanting , " March ! March ! March ! " Every so often , we tried to move west on Independence Avenue , but were stopped by the crowd at the next screen who were able to see and hear the speeches . Finally , we heard sirens and the crowd parted like the Red Sea . A police car moved cautiously down the street closely followed by a cadre of reporters . The March had finally begun . Every so often someone would start a chant . My favorite was , " Tell me what Democracy looks like ! This is what Democracy looks like ! " There was very little police presence and those I saw seemed intent on maintaining safety . As we approached the corner where we were to turn towards the Washington Monument , two policemen stood on top of their patrol car . Marchers waved at them as they passed and the policemen waved back . When the crowd began to chant , the officers made hand motions to encourage us . At the Washington Monument , I ran into some friends from church who had driven up separately . They said they 'd been by the White House , but the police there seemed quite antsy , so they left . Not wishing to place extra burden on the peace officers , I didn 't venture to that part of town , but made my way back toward the Metro station . On my way , I came to the corner I 'd passed at 3pm . The last of the marchers were approaching . It was now 4pm . It had taken an hour for the entire march to pass that point . I managed to find the Metro station and rode the train back to Naylor Road . There I met up with my bus mates . All that day , separated from everyone I knew , I hadn 't felt the least bit frightened or alone . It had been an uplifting experience . The local people I came in contact with throughout the day were friendly and proud of their city . Without exception , they 'd say , " Welcome to DC . " My feet were so sore I could barely walk . Once on the bus , I took off my shoes . When we stopped for a restroom break in the middle of the night , my feet were so swollen I could barely get my shoes on . Once I got home , I hit the couch . My takeaway from this incredible experience is : this is a great country where so many people of all walks of life and diverse causes and opinions can gather in peace , respect , and camaraderie . My faith in my fellow Americans has been restored . This is what Democracy looks like . Dad was stationed in the Philippines during World War II . Afterwards , he couldn 't tolerate cold weather . All through childhood , I heard him threaten to move to Florida to get out of those Upstate New York winters . When I was around twelve , he and a friend actually took a trip south to scope things out . There , his car broke down , so he bought a Chrysler New Yorker and brought it home . That car was destined to return to Florida . A few years later , my parents sold the house , paid off debts , and we moved . It may sound crazy to load up the family and take off on a 1000 mile move with no solid goal ( as in job or place to live ) , but that 's what we did . Of course , there were preparations . Dad built a utility / camping trailer with a canvas top . Clothing and dishes were packed inside and our mattresses laid on top . The canvas lid could be propped up like a lean - to roof , and with a camp stove and ice chest , we had all the comforts of home , right ? No need to buy ice - Dad yanked a couple of ice sickles off the eaves of the house . They were as big around as my arm and people in Florida were astounded . Our other belongings were left with my grandparents or loaded on the back of Dad 's truck which he stored in a friend 's garage . The plan was to return for the truck in a few weeks . ( Those few weeks became a few years . ) So , one cold day in late December , 1963 , we set out in the Chrysler . This was long before mini - vans , and even a station wagon wouldn 't hold all of us . Have you ever traveled with a half dozen or so kids crammed together in the back seat of a car ? It was the middle of winter , so we huddled together for warmth . We didn 't fight among ourselves . We couldn 't . There was no room . In the middle of the night , somewhere in Virginia , Mom was driving and hit a deer . I woke when the car stopped . Mom was in the front seat , but Dad wasn 't . There 'd been no damage to the car , but the deer didn 't fare so well . Later , as Dad told the story , another vehicle stopped but they couldn 't find the deer . Suddenly , the injured animal leaped up out of the roadside brush and one of the men whipped out a gun and shot it . Dad thought this was a good time to leave . He said , " Well , boys , you got yourselves a deer ! " Then he high - tailed it back to the car , jumped in , and off we went . With eight kids and limited funds , you don 't stay at motels . We were geared up for camping , but it was too cold , so we kept going . The Interstate Highway System hadn 't been built yet , so travel took more time than it does for most folks nowadays . We celebrated New Year 's Eve with our first taste of Mountain Dew , which at the time was a " hillbilly " soda . I thought it was delicious . The formula has since been changed , and / or my tastes are now more refined . When we crossed into South Carolina , two very disparate things greeted us : a palm tree and South of the Border , tourist trap extraordinaire . The palm was a sable ( or cabbage ) palmetto , symbol of the " Palmetto State , " also the state tree of Florida . At the time , South of the Border straddled 301 and sold artifacts from Mexico . Now days , it caters to I - 95 traffic and sells cheap souvenirs . In Savannah , I got my first glimpse of the Atlantic Ocean . A high bridge took us over the river , and off to the left was a sparkling patch of blue . In much of Georgia , the highway ran through mile after mile of pine forests . My parents commented on the lack of guardrails along the deep , water - filled ditches . If someone went off the road , they 'd never be found . We rolled into Florida on January 2nd . We stopped in the Ocala National Forest , near Salt Springs , for a few days . Dad pulled up to a little country store and asked where we could camp . The proprietor gestured to a tree on the edge of his parking lot and said people sometimes camp there , so we did . The man was very nice , but instead of a Southern drawl , he talked so fast I couldn 't understand him . He might as well have been speaking a foreign language . I wonder if he got tired of us asking , " What ? " We were now in sunny Florida , so we put on shorts and went for a walk down a sandy road through a hammock of palm , oak , and cypress . It was sunny , all right , but it was COLD . An arctic blast had followed us south and we about froze to death . After a day or so , my parents decided to go farther south . We settled in Moore Haven , on the south side of Lake Okeechobee . You couldn 't see the lake because of the levy around it , and you could get to it only by boating down a canal . We stayed in a campground near the lake until Dad got a job and we rented a house . In reflection , it 's amazing how much has changed in the last half - century . In some ways , though certainly not all , this was a simpler , more innocent time . Not many children today are privileged to have the remarkable experiences we did . 3 Comments » The month of August saw me traveling and visiting grandchildren , wrestling with my new " smart " phone , and trying to figure out how to use GPS . Before I set out on my trip , I went to a Verizon store for help . I told the nice young man that the GPS insisted on sending me on the Interstate and I don 't do Interstates . " Why not ? " he said . " You get there faster . " What 's his hurry ? He 's young . He has plenty of time . As for me , I 'm in no hurry to get to the end of my journey , and I prefer to enjoy the drive . You miss a lot when you stick to the Interstate . Google Maps on my computer gives me the option of avoiding highways . Apparently the young man didn 't know how to program my smart phone this way , so he put another app on the phone that ( he said ) would do back roads . It didn 't . I planned to camp in Uwharrie National Forest in North Carolina . Since I got off to a late start that day , it was dark by the time I reached to Uwharrie . I thought this was a good time to put the GPS to the test , since I was far from any Interstate . I pulled over and typed in Uwharrie National Forest campground . The lady 's voice on the GPS - whoa ! - that 's too awkward . Let 's call her GyPSy . ( We used to have a pony named Gypsy and she was cantankerous , too . ) Anyway , Gypsy directed me down a series of back roads and deposited me in front of someone 's driveway . I didn 't think the residents of the house wanted me to camp in their yard , so I drove on , hoping the campground was nearby . I never found it . Gypsy kept telling me to make U turns , turn down such and such a road , and the like for the next hour until I figured out how to shut her up . Consulting my map , I concluded I 'd taken the wrong road to the national forest . It was raining and I didn 't want to backtrack , so I drove on . The next town had a Walmart . With the permission of a manager , I parked there for the night . The next day I stuck to the directions I 'd written down before my trip and reached my granddaughter 's house with no trouble . One thing I 've discovered is that newer road maps are less detailed than older ones . That plus poorly labeled roads makes it hard to plot a course . Is there a conspiracy ? Do " they " want us to stick to the Interstates ? Are " they " trying to sell more GPS gadgets ? Or is our growing dependence on GPS letting highway departments get away with sloppy work ? I spent two pleasant weeks in West Virginia . Toying with the phone during my stay , I figured out how to program Gypsy to avoid highways . Before leaving for Virginia , I drove over to Hampshire County in search of some ancestors who are buried in Slanesville . Although , I knew my way around , I thought I 'd see if Gypsy could find a short cut . No - the poor dear was lost ! Maybe I was too far from any Interstate . That thing on a computer that goes round and round when it 's searching for something went round and round and round until I reached Romney . I consulted a map and spent the rest of the afternoon driving through picturesque West Virginia mountains . Almost Heaven . I hated to leave but was expected at my daughter 's home in Radford , Virginia that night . I stopped to eat in Covington . The day had been pleasant and sunny , but the night turned dark and rainy . Over supper , I consulted my road map for the most direct route to Radford , then I programmed Gypsy . Computer savvy people refuse to believe that those devious machines have a mind of their own , but they do . I know what Gypsy was thinking : " So , she wants back roads ? Well , I 'll give her back roads ! " And back roads I got . Roads with names like 617 and 725 . Roads that weren 't on my map . Before long , I was helplessly lost and dependent on her caprice . Gypsy directed me to turn here and there , mostly in unpopulated areas , through two national forests . One road was so narrow that if I 'd met an oncoming vehicle , we 'd both have scraped paint off trying to squeeze by . Fortunately , I had plenty of gas and my compass told me I was gradually making my way south . I breathed with relief when I came to US 11 , Lee Highway . Now I knew where I was and where I was going . On my way home , she successfully navigated me through Salisbury , North Carolina , where I invariably get lost . I planned to spend the night at Santee State Park in South Carolina , so I gave her this destination . She found a short cut that wasn 't on my map , but when I got to the park , she argued with me that the campground was at a ranger 's residence . Don 't you hate a machine that thinks she 's smarter than you ? But I knew better . A sign clearly pointed to the campground . The next morning , I expected Gypsy to find a shortcut home , but she routed me through Orangeburg , South Carolina . I didn 't mind . I never drive through that city without stopping at Edisto Memorial Gardens to smell the roses . 4 Comments » Djibouti is a tiny country in the Horn of Africa , sandwiched between Eritrea and Somalia , where the Red Sea flows into the Gulf of Aden . If you look at a map , the southeast corner of the Arabian Peninsula points right to it . The capital city is also named Djibouti . My sister Lorraine and her family live there . I visited them in 2004 . At the time , they lived in a two story house surrounded by a gated wall , a typical residence for well - to - do Djiboutians and middle - class expatriates . Next door , in a similar house , was the Saudi Arabian Embassy . Although Djibouti enjoys peace and good relations with the Western world and has not been a victim of the unrest that plagues the nations around it , I found it a little unsettling , at first , to stay next door to the Saudi Embassy . Not to worry , Lorraine and John assured me . They got along quite well with their neighbors . Indeed they did . When I wanted a sample of my name in Arabic , Lorraine sent their watchman next door and someone at the embassy wrote it on a piece of paper for me . However , I hadn 't been there more than a few days , when one night I was jarred from sleep by explosions and lights flashing in the sky . I jumped out of bed and ran to my window , certain that we were under attack , that the wars raging throughout the Middle East had invaded peaceful little Djibouti , or the embassy next door was being bombed , but I couldn 't see anything except flashes of light . I knew it was no thunderstorm . So I ran to another window . I 'm not sure whether John 's sleep was disturbed by the explosions or by my running through the house . He accosted me on my way to a third window and said , " It 's all right ! It 's all right . It 's only fireworks . " And so it was . We couldn 't get a clear view of them , only enough to know we weren 't about to die . Afterwards , we had a good laugh . At home , I can hear the Fourth of July celebration eleven miles away in Lake Butler . My neighbors shoot off fireworks every July 4th , New Year 's Eve , or whenever they have a party . Those don 't alarm me . But we Americans can hardly wait until dark for the pyrotechnics to begin , and that night in Djibouti , not only was it well after dark , it was late enough that we were in bed asleep . There 'd been no notice of a fireworks display and we never did learn what the occasion was . Someone in the city was celebrating something and fireworks was part of the entertainment . I wonder how many other people woke in alarm that night thinking the city was being bombed . But it wasn 't . Did my expectations that this part of the world was dangerous cause my reaction ? Or was my alarm reasonable ? I 'll never forget the terror of the moment , yet I was safe . When I think about people who live in actual war zones , whose days and nights are disturbed , not by festive fireworks , but by actual bombs , my heart goes out to them . If the unexpected sounds of that night remain etched in my mind twelve years later , I can 't begin to imagine what effect it has on those who are exposed to violence on a continuous basis . Here in the USA , we have so much to be grateful for . 13 Comments » I was elated when the 2015 Bacopa Literary Review accepted this short story for publication . Now I want to share it with you . I hope you enjoy it . For more information on Bacopa , visit : http : / / writersalliance . org / bacopa - literary - review . You can order a copy of the 2015 issue through Amazon . It has more short stories as well as poetry and creative non - fiction . Happy reading ! Mario stepped off the school bus into the late August heat . " Remember , no TV till I get home , " Aunt Ginny , the driver , told him . " Make a sandwich and do your homework . I 'll be home in forty - five minutes . " " Yes , ma ' am . " Aunt Ginny was his foster mother , not his aunt , but he didn 't want to call her " Mama . " He had a mother . He 'd just finished the first week of sixth grade , but he felt so lost . Changing classes was a new experience , and there were so many new faces . He wore nicer clothes than he used to , but old classmates still treated him with contempt . He should have gone to middle school last year , but he had flunked fourth grade . Not because he was stupid . He 'd missed too many days . Last year , he did better . He learned to get himself up in the morning , even if his mother overslept or wasn 't home . He missed his mother . Mario checked the mail and found a letter from his father in California . " Dear Mario , " it began . " I hope this finds you well . I am quite good , as is Cissy , and the kids . The social worker was here today to do the house check . She said she saw no problem with you coming here . It will take awhile for the paperwork to get to Florida , so we have to be patient . I 'm saving money for a plane ticket to come get you . " A joyful bark interrupted him . Aunt Ginny 's dog Skeeter bounded down the driveway and knocked the letter from his hands . Skeeter always came to greet him . Mario wondered what Skeeter would do after he left . By then , there might be new foster children to greet . " Hey , Skeeter , " Mario stuck the letter into his backpack to read later . He paused at the cattle gap . This was a relic from the days when the old place had been a farm . The cattle gap was a grate made from railroad rails laid horizontally across a small ditch . Cows would not venture to cross , but it was no barrier for vehicles and most boys . The ditch held a little water from yesterday 's thunderstorm . It looked like a good place for snakes to hide . Aunt Ginny had warned him to beware of snakes . What he feared even more than snakes was slipping and falling between the rails . He gripped his backpack , inhaled deeply , and balanced on the first rail . Safely across , he let his breath out . He had never lived in the country before , and there were so many things to worry about . Aunt Ginny 's farm now grew pine trees . Halfway up the driveway , Skeeter started barking again and dove into the palmettos that grew among the trees . Mario heard a great thrashing noise . Something big was in there . What could it be ? A bobcat ? A coyote ? What if it was a bear ? " Skeeter ! Come back ! " But Skeeter was too busy to obey . Mario set his books down and followed . A fine net settled over his face and he cringed . He brushed and sputtered to get the cobweb off . He wiped his mouth with his shirttail and brushed frantically over his head and shoulders . Could the spider be on him ? It would be one of those enormous yellow ones that spun great webs between the trees . Aunt Ginny hated them and killed any she found in her yard . So they hid in the woods to ensnare unsuspecting boys . He stepped forward . Skeeter stopped barking . Mario eyes darted around and looked down . Skeeter sniffed at a large gopher tortoise which tried to run from him . Its short legs flailed against a palmetto frond , which rattled against its neighbors , creating a noise way out of proportion to the size of the creature . Mario let out a nervous laugh . " All this fuss over a little ole turtle ! " He poked it with a stick and watched the gopher 's head and limbs draw into its shell . Maybe this would make a good pet . He carried it to the house , found an old washtub , and filled a dish with water . He 'd ask Aunt Ginny what they ate . He never had a pet before . Mario went back for his backpack and let himself into the house . He fixed a sandwich and poured a glass of iced tea before settling down at the kitchen table with his homework . Then he remembered his father 's letter . " I 'm so looking forward to seeing you again . It 's been so long . You must be nearly a man by now . " His mother had called him her " little man . " He had taken care of her when she couldn 't take care of herself . After they put him in foster care , everyone treated him like a child . His first foster parents even made him go to day care . Aunt Ginny wasn 't so bad . She fussed over him , but she also gave him independence . " I 'm sorry I haven 't been more of a father to you , " the letter went on . " I didn 't know how things were with your mother . " Mario winced . He didn 't like people saying things about his mother . " You see , after we split up , every time I went to see you , we 'd fight so bad , I thought it was best to just stay away . I thought sending money every month was enough . " Mario had not been aware of any money . His mother said his father was dead . He had a vague memory of a man arguing with his mother , but he was not sure if that had been his father or a stepfather . His musings were interrupted by Skeeter 's frantic barking . Mario rushed out . There was a new noise , an intense buzzing , like that of a windup toy out of control . And there , on the ground , not two yards from Skeeter 's nose , was a coiled rattlesnake . He dared not panic . He called Skeeter , who only kept barking and circling the snake , keeping a distance of four or five feet between them . What should he do ? Call for help ? But Skeeter could be dead before it arrived . His pounding heart drowned out the sounds of both snake and dog . Mario crept up behind Skeeter and grabbed his collar . He dragged him up the steps and through the front door . Skeeter was an outside dog and Aunt Ginny didn 't let him into the house , but this was an exception . After the rattling noise ceased , Mario looked out and saw the snake crawling across the yard toward the back of the house . What if it got in the house ? He ran to the shed and found a hoe . He tried to sneak up on the snake , but it turned back toward him and started to coil . Mario raised the hoe as high as he could and brought it down onto the snake 's neck with enough force to drive it into the ground . The body twisted every which way , but its neck was broken . Mario chopped with the hoe until he severed the head from the body . He trembled back to the porch and collapsed on the steps . Then he remembered Skeeter and let him out . Skeeter immediately returned to the snake , but when it didn 't react to his barking , he began to sniff . Mario jumped to his feet . Maybe it couldn 't bite , but it still had venom on its fangs . He scooped up the head with the hoe and buried it in the garden . Only now did he examine the body . He 'd never seen a real rattlesnake before and didn 't know they were so pretty . This one had diamond - shaped markings on reddish skin . He had seen belts and hat bands made from snake skins . The body was thicker than his arm and might be enough for more than one belt . Warily , he picked it up . The skin was not slimy , but smooth and cool , like glass . Mario carried it to the back porch and got a knife from the kitchen . Although he had never skinned anything before , he 'd seen it done . He cut off the rattle and put it in his pocket . Then he carefully separated the skin from the carcass , which he buried in the garden . He stretched the skin on an old board and nailed it down . Only then did he truly appreciate his feat . The snake had been as long as he was tall . He shook the rattle in his pocket . Now he knew what a rattlesnake sounds like . The deadly creature could have killed him , but he had killed it . He marveled at how easy it was to kill . He stood up straight . Perhaps he was a man after all . Suddenly , he heard the school bus out on the road . He put the skin and the tools in the shed and hosed off the back porch . The bus turned into the driveway . He washed the knife and put it away . He slipped into a chair and opened a book as the bus came to a stop in the yard . She shook her head . " No , you can 't keep him . They 're an endangered species . The game warden 'd throw us both in jail . You need to let him go . He 'll find food in the woods . " Disappointed , Mario hopped off the porch . The motion jiggled the rattle in his pocket . Aunt Ginny perked up as though listening , but when she heard nothing more , she went inside . Mario carried the turtle with one arm and held his other hand over the pocket to keep the rattle quiet . After he released the gopher , he returned to the house and found Aunt Ginny brushing paw prints off the living room couch . " I don 't think it 'd come into the house . It was just trying to get under the house where it 's cool . " When Aunt Ginny saw the size of the skin , she clutched her chest and hollered , " Holy Jesus ! Snake that big could kill you ! " " It 's a canebrake rattler . That 's why it 's so red . They don 't usually bother anybody . They usually just run away . " " You were very brave to protect Skeeter . I 'm proud of you for that . " Then she turned him to face her and put a hand on each shoulder . " But from now on , leave snakes alone . I can 't have a foster child bit by a poisonous snake . " 4 Comments » When my daughter Amber lived at home , she took care of my animals when I traveled . Once she said Teddy missed me so much he wouldn 't eat when I was gone . It turned out she was feeding him twice as much as I did ! He ate like a cat , nibbling his food throughout the day , not gulping it down all at once like some dogs . He 'd leave what he didn 't eat . When Amber was not available , a neighbor tended my animals . One summer , I came home to find Teddy wearing a pink flea collar . No one knew where he got it . Of course , he managed to scratch it off and lose it . One day Teddy and I took a walk on the dirt road . A neighbor I didn 't know well said , " Hello , Teddy . " I stopped to inquire how he knew Teddy and learned that while I was traveling , instead of staying home to keep the varmints out of the yard , my faithful dog was nearly living at their house ! That 's where he got the flea collar . After this , I took him with me . Teddy loved to travel . If I went somewhere in my van and didn 't take him , he 'd pout . On the road , he was well - behaved and even tolerated a leash once I explained that city dogs had to wear them . He accompanied me as far north as West Virginia and as far west as Arkansas . On hot days , I couldn 't leave him in the van and tour a museum or antebellum house , but we stopped at parks and walked the trails . Here are Teddy and Tristan , both dog tired after a long walk through a North Carolina swamp : One summer we spent several days on the Blue Ridge Parkway , stopping at every cabin and walking every trail that wasn 't too steep for him to climb . I 'd go sightseeing and Teddy 'd go smell - sniffing . He delighted in new and unusual smells . Here he is checking out something that looks disgusting to a human : He seemed to understand that the van was our home away from home . If a park ranger stopped by our campsite , Teddy would bark until I told him it was ok . One year we went to Arkansas . From there my mother and I flew to Washington to visit my sister Sue . I left Teddy and my van at Mom 's house , under the care of my nephew . Teddy made himself at home and didn 't leave the farm as long as my van was there . But things were different in the city . One summer when we visited Amber in Virginia Beach , I tied Teddy in the back yard at night and slept in the house . The next morning he was gone . I hiked all over the neighborhood but no one had seen him . We called the pound but he wasn 't there . I was afraid I 'd lost him forever . That afternoon , Amber 's father - in - law returned home and said , " Get your damn dog out of my car . " He 'd found Teddy ! On a whim , he 'd decided to take a different route home , spotted an Animal Control truck , and Teddy being led toward it . Randy convinced the officer he knew whose dog it was , and Teddy was released without bail . Apparently , Teddy had gone as far as a house on a lake and hung out in the backyard all day . When the owners got home from work , they called the pound . After this , I slept out in the hot van with Teddy so he wouldn 't escape again . Teddy got along with most dogs but my sister Bonnie 's dog is jealously territorial . He wouldn 't let Teddy out of my van . Brutus sees me only once or twice a year but always greets me with wagging tail , even if no one 's home . He doesn 't even object when I use their hidden key to get into the house . Some watchdog ! Bonnie said he senses I belong there . But Teddy was not welcome . Brutus had to be distracted so Teddy could get out to relieve himself . Then Brutus got curious about my van and wanted to check it out , but that was Teddy 's territory . He wouldn 't let Brutus near . As he aged , Teddy had trouble climbing into the van . He could get his front paws in , but I 'd have to pick up his hind quarters and shove . Sadly , his traveling days were over . I always felt safe when he was with me , and I missed his company when he wasn 't . I am a multi - faceted person with lots of life experiences and eager for more . I 'm interested in almost everything . I love to travel and explore the outside world , and to stay home , read , garden , and explore my inner world . I love to share with others through teaching and , especially , through writing . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
This is it ! This is the final stretch of the summer , and I 'm growing sadder than I thought I was going to be weeks ago when the whole SG episode happened . Then I started to get closer with Jill , and I also met Jay and that 's when I was beginning to realize what I was going to leave behind . So as you could imagine these past few weeks have been Wayyyy back in my middle school years , I had the aspiration of going to college because it was going to be a time in my life better than what I was going through presently at my school . I was being bullied , I had no friends , and I felt so alone and I knew that when the day came for me to go to college , everything was going to be different . But the thing that I didn 't foresee was that I was going to make some really awesome friends , and that there were guys out there that were actually going to be attracted to me . So now that the time has come for me to take my leave from Cleveland , and I 'm beyond sad , but back in the day , I couldn 't of gotten farther away from my school . Jill , Ana , and my other friend , " B " have been great and have shown me what it feels like to have true friends . I wish I could have spent more time with them before I left , but we will see each other again during the holidays , or maybe we can even pay each other a visit at our colleges ! Jill has shown me that I could be confident and fun , and I hope that our friendship will last a life time because a lot of high school friendships don 't always stand the test of time . Ana and " B " are great friends as well , and I hope that we can create a tighter bond . But if it wasn 't for Jill and " B " I probably wouldn 't be as sad . : - ( Then you have Jay . The guy that I met at my grad party was what made this summer a lot more enjoyable . After reading Josephine , I was desperately longing for an Adam Morgan . Plus I just had been disrespected by the boy that I truly loved , in a friendly way . Meeting Jay , I didn 't really get that Adam Morgan , but what I did get was someone that was different from most of the other boys I had ever met : he was respectful and gave me consistent attention , which is something that I 'm not use to . See , after the whole Donkey situation , I realized that I had not been on a second date before , or that I had not hung out with a guy that I liked so much . Then Jay came around and changed all of that ; he would txt me everyday , call me everyday , I could be silly around him , he invited me places , and he even came over my house where we spent many hours just talking and goofing around . On our first date at the pond , we had our first kiss , which was definitely a miss for both of us , and after that things just were not the same . He didn 't call as much , and our conversations seemed to be growing more and more quiet . Then for some reason , just weeks before it was time for my departure , he decided to be how he was when we first met , and I had gotten this feeling that I was going to farther with him than I ever had with any boy . I didn 't know what that meant exactly , but I had a feeling it had something to do with " de - flowering " . I hadn 't really thought about it , but just three or four weeks ago , I definitely was up for it , which had never happened before ! I mean , every time I date a guy , or flirt with him , I 'm constantly wondering if it 's going to be him that I lose my virginity to , but when we start going out or whatever , I never feel it 's right . But Jay , there is something about him that I can 't explain . I was thinking about planning something with him , but I didn 't know how to utter the words , and besides , we hadn 't even had a full blown out make - out session ! Then last night , it finally happened ! I invited him over , and I knew that Lastly , we have BGF . It has been over a month since we last talked , but the other day , he came over while I was getting my hair done . He wanted me to txt him , and so I did , and it was emotionally draining at first because after thinking about what I wished could happen , I had to face the fact that our friendship would not be the same . Then when he came over and it was like old times , I felt a little bit better because I knew that we could move past that incident , but there is so much more that could go along with that . We went to the movies with my sister and cousin , and I remembered how I didn 't like sharing him with anyone . I also realized that the gap between us would only grow larger as I left for college . The next day I had even saw him with some girl going into his house . I felt jealous , not mostly because he was with some strange girl , but because things seemed to be going pretty well with his " love life " , while mine was not going as I planned , but it was still going . But in the end , the saying is true for my relationship with BGF , " when you love something you got to let it go , but when it comes back then it means so much more " . So no matter what happens , we truly do have something special . Now , I 'm only a day away from moving into my dorm , and this is a day that I have been looking forward to since I was that young and fragile girl that could only foresee dark skies . I just hate it that I 'm so sad ! Leaving Cleveland , I realized that I had no reason to think that my life is pathetic . I lost two friends , but got closer to others , I even found someone I was willing to give my all too . Still , though I am truly sad about moving on , I know that I will survive because I will find happiness here at Howard , somewhere . I may not find it right away , but I will realize that I am apart of something great , and things will only get better as I get out of my shell to develop the leadership skills I will need to posses to achieve the goals I have set for myself . I 'm going to let myself have those days when I 'm deeply sad and homesick because I 'm missing my family , and my little sisters first years , but in the end , I will heal because all wounds have the potential to heal , it just takes time . So this is goodbye to high school Blackness , and what 's up to Grown Up Young Gifted and Blackness ! I 'm not going to lie , I wanted to write a whole post about the boy that I 'm talking to right now . This is actually the same boy that offered to take me to prom if BGF and I didn 't work out , and I was going to thank him by taking him to the movies or something . . . you know , just hanging out on my dime , but turns out , I thanked him with a kiss and this new found interest in him , You know , right before we met , I had finished reading the book Josephine , and was " crying " for weeks just thinking about how come can I never find me an Adam Morgan , and in the beginning when I met this boy , whom I will call Jay , I thought that maybe I would get a chance to show that I can be capable of being " liked " , and to show that I have since changed from that scared little girl that was so afraid of showing affection for a boy that she turned down just about every opportunity to go on a date . But turns out , I still have things to work on . I mean , nobody really masters the art of dating because if that was so , there would be more than a handful of people in this world that stay married for the rest of their lives . Back on subject , I will not go into detail about everything me and Jay have been up to , and don 't worry , it is PG - 13 , but I will definitely say that he is no Adam Morgan . Anyways , the day that I will have to arrive on the Howard University campus is less than a month away ! Orientation is on August 13th , and I will probably be leaving Cleveland on the 11th , and I am both excited , scared , and unexcited at the same time . After all that has transpired in the past month , I 'm kind of doubting how I will be accepted in college , and my abilities to leave this quiet girl persona . BGF really put me off , but I 'm not losing sleep or anything because it didn 't affect me that much . It just affected me enough to keep one eye open when I go to college because I don 't want to go through that same event ever again , especially not with someone I hold dearly . Man I wish that I could smile the way Taraji is smiling in this picture . But I 'm just not as excited as I thought I would be . See , my first week talking to Jay was cool , but it also made me realize that my life is sad , boring , and pathetic compared to what I see my friends having . Then I also noticed that even though I think I do have friends , none of them invite me ANYWHERE ! Not even my girl Jill , and I 'm so desperate that I don 't even bring it up , and I keep on letting them do that to me ! I invite my friends everywhere , well , mostly Jill because she is a fun and cool person to hang around . Number of invitations so far , 0 . Jay has lots of friends and I hate it when he asks me when I 'm doing and I have to give the same damn answer of " nothing " . I love waking up in the morning , but I just don 't have the strength to get outta bed anymore . Shoot , things have come to so much of a head that I don 't get that same thrill I usually do when I 'm watching a documentary ! The other thing that always comes out when a boy likes me is that I 'm always doubting my ability to be someone that they would love to be around , and someone that will make them happy . . . in a way . I 'm not as outgoing as I can be , especially when Jill is not around . I love laughing and having fun , but I can only do that in a select group of people . I always feel that the boy really doesn 't know what he 's getting himself into when he likes me , and I sometimes feel bad for them because I feel like they deserve something better than me . Yeah , I know , I have issues and it 's hard to explain . Anything good coming out of this whole situation ? Yeah , of course ! Out of every bad situation , some good comes out of it , and it may not be a prize , but is definitely a lesson learned . BGF , Butterfly , Jay , France , Ana , and even Jill are teaching me things about myself without even knowing it . And in a way , being in those very unfortunate situations has made me stronger because I 'm still alive ! College will mean a new chance for new friends , ones that will care enough to invite me places , and it will mean a chance for new lessons to be learned . So I will have to go into college with my head up high because this time , I can control how my classmates see me , and I definitely don 't want them to see me the same way I see myself right now , or the same way that my classmates saw me in high school . So , I 'm scared , but I 'm ready . Ever since Monday , I was trying to think of a great title for my post and I was just about to name it , " I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free " after the song by Nina Simone , but that was before I came across one of those Marvin Gaye classics that I had never heard before . Now , let me tell you that this week has been something ! Actually , this whole summer has been something and I have no idea how I 'm going to survive it , but I know that I will survive ! All right , many of you may be wondering why in the world I would pick this song out of all the songs in the world , and I am going to get to that right now . See , this summer , I have had the misfortune of being treated like crap by two of whom I thought were my closest friends ! First Butterfly disses me because she thought that I was trying to put her mother on blast for not driving us anywhere ! See , my grandmother , my mother , my step - dad , my prom date , and my prom date 's mother have driven her around for these past four years ! The only time that her mom took me somewhere was way back in ninth grade and that happened to be the only place that Butterfly invited me ! But really , I didn 't feel like she owed me anything for all those times because I enjoyed her company very much , but now , I could really give a ruck ! Alls I wanted to do was go to the movies to see the Hangover Part II , and I thought maybe THIS TIME , he mother could drive us to the movies , just THIS TIME , but she kept making excuses and got offended till the point where she told she wasn 't going . Then the next day , she sent me a long - a txt message trying to dog me over some misunderstanding ! Plus she had the nerve to call me " Sweetie " ? ! Gurrrrlllll Gone ! See that 's when I have to get ghetto on yo you - know - what ! That 's one of my pet peeves ; so please don 't call me sweetie in an attitude type way , and I would actually appreciate it if you didn 't call me that at all . The only person I let get away with it is my cousin Prada ( not her real name ) , but I kind of get annoyed when she calls me that too . Anyhow , I sent her a very tasteful txt message , but I was so happy to burst her bubble that I ended it with the words , " so there you go sweetie " . Around two in the morning , she txt me back ending the whole friendship ! I mean , I could understand if you were sawlty for a while , but ending a friendship over a whole misunderstanding ? ! That 's whack ! I recently saw her at my other friend 's graduation party and she would walk out the room just sawlty at the sight of me , b " . . . But I believe a woman 's a man 's best friend The next story is about Mr . BGF . I hadn 't seen BGF for a long time , well , not in my house at least . I would see him outside talking with his other friends , and I be in my house longing to get away from here so that I may stop thinking about Adam Morgan from the book Josephine by Beverly Jenkins , which I gave to Butterfly as a present but now I 'm keeping it ! Anywho , on Saturday BGF had called me but I decided not to answer it in protest to the many times that I txt him and he never txt me back ! Then I had begun to feel bad because I HAVE A CONSCIOUS ! But Monday came around and BGF knocked on my bedroom door while I was just in the mirror fixing my afro , and he asked me , " why didn 't you call me back ? " I knew that I was going to tell him that I thought it would be too late , which I did , but I always lose my words when I 'm around him . Yeah , I know , it 's weird . That 's probably why he thinks he 's more mature than me . I can 't explain it , maybe I 'm just in so much awe that a boy would want to be really good friends with me that I just lose my train of thought . But anyhow , we did our back and forths , and I followed him downstairs but I saw he was talking with my sister so I decided to leave and go back up because I feel so awkward around him when my sister is around because I 've had him to myself for such a long time that I 'm just not use to sharing . I mean , they were friends first , but they fell out so many times while our friendship blossomed like an orchid in the spring time . ( Yeah ! I can be poetic ! ) All of a sudden , she just started to hang around us , when before , she would just leave the room and he and I would talk for hours about things I can 't even remember now . Now , I feel like the odd man out . After spending a few minutes in my room listening to music and thinking about my entrance , because you have to be careful with what you do around BGF , he will spot something that you didn 't even see . So I went back downstairs and told my sister that I had to get on the computer to type my scholarship essay . Then as soon asSoon , my mother came home with my baby sister , who 's two , and hearing her scream for BGF was something so beautiful that it was almost like out of the movies . She ran to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and they shared a sweet embrace . They were laughing and he was being so sweet to her , I didn 't think anything could go wrong because I had even learned that I won my first scholarship that day ! ( Shout out to the Cleveland NAACP ! ) But then things took a turn for the worst : My mom had left to go to the store , so she left the baby with us . My other sister took her outside to see BGF , but apparently he was trying to get away from her , but he sat on the porch with them while I sat at the computer trying to finish the final paragraph of my paper . Then I heard this commotion and BGF carried the baby back in and told her to get in time out . Then he and my other sister proceeded to tell me that she had said the " f - word " . I wasn 't thinking at the time so I agreed to keep her in the house . But after a few minutes , I had an epiphany : why am I going to punish a two year old that does not understand what the " f - word " means ? She was looking out he door longingly , just wanting to join the others , so I told her to apologize , which she did twice , but I thought BGF was being a bit harsh , but when I couldn 't convince her to stay in the house with me , I sent her back outside because she didn 't know what was going on . That 's when I heard BGF yell , " did Blackness let her out ? ! " So I sat in anticipation for him to come into my house with an attitude , but boy was I off ! He just started screaming at me like he was a f - in maniac ! So I had to defend myself and my little sister , so I said somethings and he said somethings that just blew my mind ! ( But overall I was proud of myself to standing up for myself ) My heart was racing because I was having a HEATED argument with a guy that I considered to be one of my " best - friends " ! He had even escorted me to my prom ! I just couldn 't believe it ! But I 'm not typing this to bash anyone . . . not at all . I think the reason I felt I had to get this out there was because I just don 't know what I do to deserve to be treated so badly , especially by people I care about . Butterfly dissed me and left , but I got over that in a matter of days . With BGF , I 'm still not over it because his friendship was the most special to me , and I think I know why ; my father has not been in my life since I was two , and that 's for a reason I shall not say until the time is right , but I picked up this " . . . Can I get a witness , can I get a witness For some reason , I really don 't want to finish talking about the prom because I mean , it was a very magical night where I got to experience being out after midnight with JUST my friends , and I got a chance to see what it was like to have friends . I had come a long way since being miserable and friendless back in middle school , and not only do I have friends , but I have great friends that isn 't into the drama that destroys friendships daily . So I 'd rather have a few of those than to have 200 friends that always like to start drama over trivial things . Oh , and there is something magnificent that I want to share about SG ! I know that I said that I would get over him months ago , but even after I did that formal goodbye , I was still liking him and he was still breaking my heart without even knowing it . So I would look for any reason I could to make me mad at him or find proof of something that would make me not want to like him . Then my feelings got worse and worse until after the prom , but just a few days ago , he just proved to me that he does not care about my feelings . Plus he has girls left and right , so I wouldn 't of had a chance anyway . I just can 't wait to get away from him so that I can start focusing on something real . But then again , I think that it 's sad that I have to remind myself almost every hour of the day why I just can 't like him , but things have gotten easier as the days have gone by . On a more important note , I graduated last Thursday ! It was the greatest day of my life , and it was surreal ! I still can 't believe that I graduated from the school that I had the misfortune to attend for seven years ! I 'd been there since sixth grade and all hell has broken loose while I was there , but now that I 'm gone , I can finally put all of that mess behind me because college awaits ! Now that I 'm going to college , I have the ability to map out my dreams and complete them to my own disposal ! Going to college , I finally have the tools that will help me become something bigger than myself ; going to college I have my own responsibility to make sure that I stay on the right track and I have the responsibility to make sure that no opportunity is out of reach because of my lack of motivation ! Most importantly , going to college , I have the task of finding myself , loving myself , and reforming the parts of myself that bothers me - - things like my bashfulness , my timidness , the lack of confidence in my own decisions , and my fear of being a leader . After prom , I had this confidence in me that I couldn 't deny . Everywhere I went , I held my head up high and I projected my voice louder . At first I was afraid of having to be more outgoing in college , but now I see that it 's not impossible ! I am ready to prove those people wrong that don 't think I can change , one of which is SG , but another of which is myself . I always am so hard on myself , which is in human nature , but there are some things that you as a person can help . I 'm tired of being so self - conscience about myself that I don 't want to go out and have fun ! I want to have fun ! I want to be fun ! I people to want to be around me because I am fearless ! I am a Howard University Bison ! So that should already tell you what I am about ! These past few days , I felt pathetic after what SG said to me , but I reminded myself why I was put on this Earth , and I have found myself having to do that every time the light gets dimmer . I watched documentaries about my ancestors , and I realized for the millionth time that they have sacrificed for me , and I want to continue their legacy and bring awareness to their trials . I am ready to learn just like these students pictured above , and I want to make them proud by being the Black scholar I know and they know I CAN BE ! Wow , I am ready to learn and I have no excuse for not working to my fullest potential ! So , goodbye teenage Blackness and hello grown Blackness ! So on to the next ! - * - * - * - * - * - * - > I know that I have missed a couple weeks , but you really didn 't miss anything except the growing anticipation of seeing if I had to take my Government final . This post here is just about PROM ! ! ! Also I was just wondering what it would be like to go to prom , and that was something . Obviously , I didn 't have to take the final for Government because I had time to get ready for the prom . I went to the hair salon , shout out to Kinky , Curly , Straights ! , at about 9am and didn 't leave until a little after 3pm . But when I was done , I looked great even before the make - up was put on me ! When I got home , I was surprised to see my escort , BGF , walking from down my driveway in his school uniform . He liked my hair , but laughed at me when I told him how long it took to get done - - I know , weird , right ? After getting into the house , my mother and cousin were in the kitchen getting ready for the huge gathering of people that were expected to come by and see me off to the prom . They loved my hair , but told me to eat something quick so that I could get into my dress . So I ate a sandwich and went into my room to put on my dress praying that I could breathe in it ! And I could ! So , my mom got started on my foundation and that 's when the party was about to get started ! My aunts , cousins , uncles , grandparents and family friends started pouring into the house . There were about a handful of people upstairs watching my mom 's childhood friend do my make - up , and my mother kept the men at bay until I was completely finished . Then as she was doing my make - up I could tell by the look on everyone 's faces that I was looking good ! My mom had even cried ! When she was done , I went to the mirror and looked at myself and I couldn 't believe how good - - how beautiful I looked ! This was the first time in my life where I can honestly say that I actually saw myself as BEAUTIFUL ! When I came down the stairs , everyone began snapping pictures of me , and they were so happy at how great I looked , and when I went outside , I seemed to have gotten ambushed by the paparazzi ! I had taken so many pictures that my cheeks had begun to quiver . Then I looked down the street and saw my best friend , Butterfly , getting out of the car with her mom ! This was the first time since elementary school that I saw her in a dress and she looked beautiful ! I was so excited upon seeing her that I almost cried , and as soon as she made it to my house , I gave her a huge hug and told her how great she looked . And of course , the flashes started again as we would take a million pictures together . Then all we were waiting for was our other friend , Jill , to come with her date , and my escort lived right across the street and I didn 't understand why he wasn 't already out there ! Before the other 's came , the huge Hummer Limo arrived and I 'm not lying when I say that it could have fit 26 people ! But I 'm not here to brag about that . Finally , BGF came out of his house and his mother was so excited because both she and my mom joked about this when BGF and I were in middle school and funny how it happened that way . But he just looked very - - um , handsome in his suit and I blushed when I saw him with the corsage because this was my - - homeboy about to place on my wrist , something that I had imagined my " Knight in shinning armor " doing , but I 'm still young . We posed for a couple pictures and it 's funny how the first time we were suppose to take a picture together at my 8th grade graduation , I was afraid to put my arm around him , now we were at my senior prom and we put our arms around each other this time . But we had the street on lock ! No one could hardly get through because there was so many of us ! When my friend , Jill , arrived with her date , I was surprised at how short he was . So I will call him , Tiny , and I was so happy that I wasn 't the only person in our little circle that had an escort . But not too long after they arrived , we finally left in the Limo and as we drove off , I was wondering what this night would bring and I was bent on being a more outgoing girl . And even though I was with BGF , I was still wondering if SG was going to be anywhere in sight . We had arrived at the line - up at my school and I knew that it was going to be awkward because the only people that I talked to were right there in the limo with me . So I was happy to see that when we got up there a lot of their families were up there taking pictures so there was really nothing to worry about - - at first . None of my family was there and Jill was so high in demand that we couldn 't really even find her , but Butterfly and I were just talking about other people 's dresses , which weren 't that bad . Still , we were getting compliments about how classy we looked because people knew that there were going to be some people in the bunch that wore too much , or too little - - Classy is just in the middle ! There were boys that I remember in school , specifically a set of ignorant twins , that had even held their breaths when I walked by . I was living a dream , except for the fact that my dogs were killing me ! BGF offered to give me a piggy - back ride , but what y ' all gotta understand is that this sistah is Thick , wit a capitol " T " and I knew that he would probably say something to make me feel self - conscience , so I turned it down . Then it was the moment of truth : Time For Us To Actually Go To Prom ! When we got into the car , BGF sat in the back of the limo with Butterfly and they were getting along well , and Jill was talking with them . Then it was just me and Tiny , and if I 'm not mistaken , he was flirting with me . He was asking me all types of things , even questions about whether BGF and I were talking . Of course BGF and I weren 't talking , and we won 't be anytime soon . ANYTIME SOON ! Anytime SOON ! ANYTIME Soon ! So he was asking me do I lap dances and stuff , and if I wanted to play " truth or dare " . I had forgotten what it was like to have a boy flirt with me , but I knew it when I saw it because that 's how I figured that Donkey liked me when we first talked on the phone about a year ago . But I was wondering whether or not to tell SG to make his chances with me feel threatened . Yeah , I 'm sly like that . We walked into the bank building and Jill began looking to see where our floor was and that 's when Sgt . Robertson told us to go to the 21st floor and I was like , Oh God . I hate elevators , so when we went in , I grabbed onto BGF 's arm and closed my eyes because I did not like that it was going so fast . When it was over , we walked over to a table and I just couldn 't take it anymore ! So I told BGF to stand a certain way so he could hide the fact that I had to peel my panties out my a $ $ , and he chuckled and said , " Blackness , don 't you embarrass me . " Then we gave them our tickets , told them our names , and took a picture doing that standard prom pose and went into the back . What I didn 't expect to see were so little people , a small room , and no music ! I was like , what is this ? ! I was so mad and embarrassed , but then I learned that this was the " cocktail hour " , and they were just getting things ready for the prom room . So I stood next to BGF because he is my inside world , and my classmates were my outside world if that makes any sense . See , I consider my friends to be my inner circle , and my classmates to be nothing to me , and I was curious to see how heThey finally told us it was all right to go into the other room and Jill and I went in to pick a table , and our other friend whom I 'll call , Ana , picked a table close to a window . I sat next to BGF , but the sun was in my eyes . So I ended up sitting next to my girl Ana , and that 's when our other friend B come over with her boyfriend and he was really nice . He sat next to me and she sat next to Butterfly . I was happy to see all the boys at our table hitting it off well while the girls talked . In the beginning , there was this weird music playing and there were people standing up taking pictures , and I was wondering why no one was dancing . So that part was pretty boring , except for when Tiny was dancing to every song and singing . Later on I learned that this was called dinner hour , and also Tiny was higher than kite but he was funny as hell . Now the party really got started when they crowned prom king and queen . Because after that , they played the wobble . I was mad that I didn 't know how to do it ! So I sat down and talked to Ana , and then they played the Cupid Shuffle , and I knew how to do that vaguely . I asked BGF if he wanted to dance , but he told me that he had to go to the bathroom - - I think he was lying . But I went out onto the dance floor and did the best I could in those high a $ $ heels . When that song went off , I sat down because I just didn 't know how to dance to the other one . Later , Tiny and BGF went onto the floor and I just started " swaying " by them because I 'm stuck in the 60s when it comes to music . BGF was making fun of me , but I didn 't care because it took a lot of me to actually get out onto the floor even though I can 't dance to save my life , but I do have rhythm ! So I was happy I was even out there ! When most of us were back at the table , I decided that it was a good time to just get our pictures taken before there was a line . So he and I were the first to go , and we just walked to this nice background that was Hollywood themed . It was really weird because we had to be really - really - really close together , but we took the picture , and I hope that it turned out well . When we came back outside , we heard the DJ playing that Charlie Wilson song that the radio plays every five minutes . Butterfly ran over to me telling me that everyone was slow dancing , and I couldn 't believe it . I mean , I was imagining what my first slow dance would be like and who it would be with . I had imagined it would be to the song " Can We Talk " by Tevin Campbell , but I wanted to be surprised at who it would be with . I thought about how awkward it would be to slow dance with BGF , but I was also excited because this would be another one of the little things that I had never done with a boy to cross off my list . But for some reason , I wasn 't rushing to get up there . Butterfly told me that this boy had even proposed to this girl after the song went off ! - - Weird But I stayed down by the picture place waiting for all my friends to be finished , and laughing at how awkward Jill and Tiny 's picture looked . And by the time we got up there they were playing Usher , and I was shocked at how many people were slow dancing , and I just knew it was a matter of time before I would have to ask BGF to go up there with me . I had even pressured Jill to take Tiny up there so that I wouldn 't be the only one , but sadly , the song was about to go off , so I was praying that I would get another chance . So I was stuck by my seat imagining us going up there ! Damn ! Now I gotta wait till college , but the boy won 't know me good enough to make fun of me . He might even teach me in a cute like - you - see - on - the - movies type way ! Not too long after , it was about 10pm when we left . I was so happy that this night had went without a hitch ! And I just couldn 't wait to get into the limo and go home then go bowling . When we got outside , I was surprised to see this gathering of curious people in front of the limo . We hadn 't been able to show off our wheels at the line - up , but they were so shocked to see that this huge Hummer Limo belonged to us . This one boy in my class even poked his head in and said , " y ' all can play video games in here . " I chuckled and we were off back to my house . On the way we tried to play that ten finger game , but I was too much of a good girl for it to be really fun . Then this song came on and Tiny just started touching himself in this gross way and I was just playing when I over exaggerated by doing the Heisman on him and moving away . Then he just told I 'm just too much of a goody - goody , but I am mature about sexual things , but touching yourself is just weird . We had finally arrived at my house . BGF walked back across the street to get changed . So I stayed with the others in my living room until their rides got there . We talked about Family Guy and all that . Then BGF came back in regular clothes and told me that he would keep them company while I changed . Then he ended up following me upstairs to play a joke on my sister , but I told him that her door was locked . Once I let him take off my necklace , I closed the door and put on the same outfit that I had on earlier . At the moment , I have no idea what week I 'm in because I 've missed a couple , but you all didn 't miss too much . The one major thing that I need to mention is that I am officially a Howard University Bison ! I enrolled in early April on the 8th after visiting the school and being surprisingly impressed . Also , I have bought the prom tickets so BGF and I are going , no questions asked because that $ 120 is payed for ! Now with that , I hadn 't seen BGF in about a month , and I had no idea where our friendship stood and what it was like in his eyes . Shoot , I thought he had already demoted me from friend to neighbor . So , I really wasn 't excited about prom because all the other girls had pretty good contact with their dates , and I had only seen mine the day he gave me the permission slip to go to the prom . I thought it wasn 't fair that I wasn 't able to have that kind of contact with my escort and I thought for sure that the next time we would see each other , it would be the day of the prom . Revenge . I want to get revenge on him by showing him what he missed out on , which always works . I do this by looking especially cute on a day when I know I 'm going to see him I didn 't know how I was going to see SG , but I was planning on it . Then as I thought the perfect moment would arrive , he was nowhere to be found . By the end of the week , I began to feel pathetic because I 'm so bored stuck in my house all day that I can do nothing except think about a boy that definitely wasn 't thinking about me . It just isn 't fair that he gets to go out and have fun , while I 'm stuck in my house all day every weekend because I have nowhere to go ! So when the weekend came , I think I was going insane . I just sat in darkness all day on Saturday wishing that I was living back in the 50s and 60s . Then that 's when I heard these four handsome men sing to me , Watching The Four Tops dance and sing , I began to tear up because that song had come into my life just at the right moment . I have been aware of that song for a few years now , but Lord knows that Blackness NEEDED that song ! I also began to cry because I know this may sound crazy , but I 'm almost obsessed with wishing that I was living during the civil rights movement ! I write stories about it , I read books about it , I watch documentaries about it , I watch movies about it , and the most powerful , I listen to music from that period . I have no idea why I 'm so engrossed in this time period , but I really do like escaping the realities in my life for a moment to travel to another period in time . This spring break , I needed it more than ever because I was letting this stupid boy get to me . Then after praying , and letting all my frustrations out in my diary , something amazing happened ! All right , just so you know , I 've been having these dreams about SG every night . In these dreams , I 'm longing for him so bad that I wake up angry and depressed ! In all of these dreams , he 's flaunting some girl in front of me , and I just want to kill ' em , or he 's there with me , but ignoring me . Saturday night , I wanted to have a dream where I was in the 50s , but this dream wasn 't bad either . SG was having a party in his house , and I and my sister went over there . I did want his attention at first , but I just said , " what the heck " and wandered into another room without even thinking about him . That 's when one of his friends , whom I think my mind made up , came over and started flirting with me ! So , in this dream , I didn 't want SG , I wanted somebody else ! I woke up with a smile on my face ! I was so happy that I dropped the whole revenge plan , but I wore a nice shirt for Easter . I had to go over BGFs house and I just picked out on the nearest pair of shoes I could find . I went over and took his mother the lemon cake she ordered from Honey Baked Ham , and talked to her for a minute . Then she told me that BGF would be happy to see me , which truly sent shockwaves through me . I walked over to his room and knocked on the door , and he told me to come in . He was lying on his bed watching TV and what do you know , he was happy to see me ! We talked for a long time , and it was pretty nice . It made me feel more optimistic about going to prom with him , but I had to let him know that Blackness was bout to go Carlton [ Banks ] on ' em at prom . So , I was in his room for about a half hour just talking and catching up , and it was great . He was telling me that me coming to see him was like a dream , but I told him , " it would be dream if you texted me ! " Hahahahahahahaha ! Got ' em ! I was proud of myself for real ! It felt great to say everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it ! I loved it ! Then today is when I got my first call from him since December ! So you know I felt good ! School starts tomorrow , and I will have you filled in on everything else when the time comes . I can 't believe that I have less than a month to prom , and about that time till graduation ! Funny how time flies ! Now , I am going to share the wealth with you . Here is the video that someone made for " Reach Out , I 'll Be There " by The Four Tops ! Hope you will be inspired just as I was ! This week has been great as well because now , I can go to someone and tell them where I 'm going to school in the fall , but I haven 't made a final decision yet . You know , there is nothing better than the reaction I receive from people when I tell them that I am going to Howard University , and I am starting to feel that sense of pride that comes with going to college . I also feel a lot better that I can write something down on the line for scholarships that asks me , where do I expect to enroll in the fall ? There is just this warm feeling and excitement on the faces of the people in the Black community when they hear that I got accepted into Howard because this is a very well respected Black community / university , and they have this rich history full of success , and I am grateful they feel that I can continue the tradition . There is no more sadness toward the fact that I didn 't get into Ohio State , and I feel very strongly that I was meant to go down this track all along like the song " Firework " by Katy Perry goes , " . . . maybe the reason why all the doors are closed , so you can open up one that will lead you to the perfect road . . " So I will let you know when I am officially a Howard girl ! All this week , a lot of my classmates were very nervous about a Government test where we had to memorize all the presidents in order , and their years . This was the first test that I worked hard to study for because last semester , I got As on all his tests , but One , and this semester , I have yet to get an A . I studied real hard because he said that if we get a 90 % in the class , we won 't have to come to school on the day of prom to take the final . So if I get As on these tests , then I will definitely be at home on the last day of high school getting ready to go to prom . Also , last week in JROTC , I skipped out on wearing my uniform in fear that I would have to lead the platoon , and I told the teacher that my shirt had mildewed . It 's not like I lost points because I wore it that Thursday instead of Wednesday . This week , I wore my uniform because last week , he didn 't even ask for anyone to come up to the front of the class , so I thought it might be safe to do so this week . Then this boy , whom I will call QT , came around to check everyone out . The reason why I like QT is , he 's cute and all , but he 's not really ignorant . He 's really nice , and I 'm glad that he remembers my name , even though a lot of people do , but I hate it when the teacher says , " Blackness did this " , and then I see the confusion on my classmate 's faces as they say , " who is Blackness ? " When he came to my squad , he said that hello to my friend that was next to me , and I didn 't think that he would say anything to me , and I was delighted to see that he indeed did . " What 's up Blackness ? " He greeted . I replied , and he checked out my uniform , and I was good , except for my socks , but good thing he didn 't check that . Well , anyways , he was the platoon leader and he had to pick someone to lead , and I don 't know why , but I got this feeling that he was going to choose on me . This sense of dread came over me as I saw his finger point to me , and heard my name slip from his lips . So , I walked to the front of the class , saluted QT , and did an about face , or however you spell it . I did it so well that the whole class clapped for me ! I was on this high , but still very nervous because for one of the few times in my life , I was the leader ! After a while , I got use to everything , and it was finally over . I was proud of myself . . . Still am ! I think I was mostly proud because I had watched that documentary about the movement that went on at Howard University in the late 60s , early 70s , and I felt that it was about time that I stopped being afraid to be a leader . Those students inspired me , and I know that I will continue that honorable legaAnother thing that I was thinking about this week was Prom . Last Thursday , the same day I learned that I had gotten into Howard , I went prom dress shopping for the first time . It was fun , and I found my favorite dress my first time , and my friend found hers as well . So that was finished , I still didn 't know what I wanted to do when it came to my date . I texted BGF to tell him the good news about college , and he was so happy for me ! I felt happy texting him , until he didn 't text me back as usual . Everything was going fine until I asked , " where you at ? " Then all of a sudden , my phone no longer vibrated ! I was mad ! Then I also learned that he was staying over his grandmother 's house now , and she lives about 30 minutes away . I wouldn 't of known that if I wouldn 't of over heard him talking about it on his phone , and at that time I didn 't believe he was for real . He doesn 't even text me , or call ! It is as if I am no longer important enough for a visit ! I mean , I know that I 've done something like this to him to some extent , but I redeemed myself ! I 've been texting him , and I went to his football games etc , and I 'm just sick of him having my hanging by a string ! So , I made up my mind to take that other boy . I don 't know too much about him , but I know he plays football for one of the local catholic schools , and he 's tall and cute . Also , he 's a senior just like me ! BGF is a junior . Then I learned that his prom is the same day as mine , so I have to take BGF now . In a way , I breathed a sigh of relief because I still was a bit dubious on my decision . Still , I think I really want to get to know that other boy . I will be real sawlty if he has a girlfriend because . . . I 'm going to make some real bold moves soon . |
It 's been a quiet week in Mount William , New Hampshire , my home town . The plows got out in a timely manner when it snowed . It 's been up above freezing for couple days now , so only small patches of snow are holding on . The ABS discussion group had their weekly meeting at the Chowder House yesterday . ABS stands for " anything but sports " and yesterday they were discussing fake news . They concluded that most of it is . Mr . Willis went on one of his twilight walks on Tuesday . Mr . Willis 's habit was to hang around the house all day , but at twilight to venture out into the neighborhood to survey his domain . Of course , being so near to the solstice , that meant venturing out at around 3 : 30 . The sojourns typically take an hour or so and end with Sydney standing on the back porch , shaking a small bag of cat treats and calling Mr . Willis 's name . On Tuesday night , Mr . Willis didn 't return . Several times that evening , Sidney stood on the back porch , shaking the treats , calling for Mr . Willis , but still there was not sign of him . Wednesday was a school day , so Sidney couldn 't go looking until after school , when it was almost dark . Gathering flashlights , her friend Carol , and her mom , they started looking . Sadly , they didn 't have to look far . There , where their street dead ends at the woods , was the body of Mr . Willis . It was a violent death . Some predator , probably a coyote , had killed him and was probably scared off by cars or kids . It 's unusual for coyotes to go after domesticated cats , but with small rodents not being readily available at this time of year , it can happen . Mr . Willis had been part of Sydney 's life , part of the family , since she was three , and this was the first time Sidney has lost someone she so dearly love . She 's a smart kid . She understands the predator - prey relationship . But this . This seems so cruel , so personal . She asked her mother , " Why ? " knowing that there was no answer . And she asked if there couldn 't be another way , a way for coyote and kitten to live together . The shortness of the days , the length of the nights seem so reflective of how Sydney has been feeling these past few days . As I think about the darkness Sydney and so many are feeling , I think about the promise we heard in the reading from Isaiah and the testimony we heard in the reading from John : That light shines in the darkness and that darkness cannot overcome it . Sometimes it feels like the darkness has . And yet … While Sidney feels as if she 's living in darkness , Peter Mueller [ 2 ] is feeling like some light is finally coming . Ten weeks ago , Susan Mueller had a brain aneurysm . The darkness began with three hours in the emergency room in Concord . One nurse grabbed a pair scissors to cut off Susan 's outfit . Another went to work getting her hooked up to some high - tech monitors . Someone drew two vials of blood . Once the lead surgeon managed to stabilize Susan , two techs rolled her off to the radiology lab . Five minutes later Peter stood behind a cluster of white coats huddled around screen images . Two of the physicians didn 't say word . Their silence signaled gravity . The ER doctor determined that life - support was critical , ordering intubation for a ventilator before the airlift to Mass General . Within minutes , three air medics in blue flight - suits for wheeling Susan 's gurney out to the hospital helipad . Peter followed behind , carrying a plastic bag of clothing scraps . As he watched the helicopter fly farther and farther away , he pinned his eyes to the sky as if that slender mechanical bird was supposed to circle back . What he was really staring at was a challenge old is Abraham standing over Isaac atop a woodpile , but as new to him as the emergency developments of the past three hours - the challenge of relinquishment . Would he be able to let go of Susan as a daily fixture in his life ? Permanently ? No one was around to advise him on these questions , though he had a hunch that an answer might be required of him that night . Relinquishment became the question he contemplated during his drive south . When you are behind the wheel on a highway and your only passenger is God , you can cover a lot of spiritual ground . He went to work practicing relinquishment , at least in his head . God listened patiently . The first three brain surgeries occurred soon after Susan arrived in the operating room late that night . It was a seven - hour ordeal that the surgeon warned would be extremely high risk . He offered no assurance that he could save Susan . Several family members joined Peter and stretched out on the couches in the waiting room pretending to sleep . You don 't really sleep in a situation like this . You listen to your stomach gurgling as you wait for some updates from the surgical suite you believe may arrive at any minute . Dawn is a welcome sight . Susan spent a week in intensive care before being moved to the neurosurgical floor . By day , Peter and his family whispered prayers and told old stories and strategized ways to distract her from requesting more Vicodin than was allowable . By night , Chopin nocturnes play quietly on Peter 's laptop - better medicine than any pills in a tiny cup . Something went wrong on day 21 . Susan retreated into her mind and entered a particularly dark period . She became largely unresponsive . Dreaded vasospasms inside her brain - something doctors warned could happen - began to limit Peter 's expectations of how complete Susan 's recovery might be . When she stirred , her hands lurched for the electrode wires fixed to her scalp . On day 27 , Susan 's condition decline notably . It was becoming clear to their children , Jacob and Rachel , and to Peter that they might soon become a family of three instead of four . As aids rolled Susan 's bed down the corridor for her 11th CT scan , Rachel slouch to the floor outside room 5135 . She cried . Peter sat down beside her and joined in the tears . Whether it was an attempt to comfort his daughter or a sudden wake up call to the faith he had practiced for so may years , he readied himself to say a few words . And a strange peace came over him . While Peter 's head would turn to scriptures to find solace in a crisis , something inside him told him that Rachel didn 't need scriptures . She needed a dad . Still , a scripture rattled around inside Peter 's head , " We do not live to ourselves , and we do not die to ourselves . If we live , we live to the Lord , and if we die , we die to the Lord ; so then , whether we live or whether we die , we are the Lord 's . " He told Rachel he didn 't know . And he offered more . " You know what I think we have to remember ? As much as we love mom , we need to remember that we also love God . We love God very much . God is the one who will hold our family together whether we get more time with mom or not . That 's as good as we can have it . And , that 's pretty good . " They both cried some more . Day 31 brought tough new developments . Susan state of mind moved into a rotating mix of catatonia , suicidal behavior , and dangerous psychotic activity . Posing a threat to herself into anyone close , doctors moved her to a lockdown unit . Every time Susan swung out in violence , the alarm sounded , aids came running , and four of them hustled her into a straitjacket . As the team of physicians continue to size up her erratic behavior , it became clear that more drastic treatment measures were necessary . They proposed an experimental drug and treatments of electroconvulsive therapy , or ECT . The idea of shocking Susan 's brain with electric currents for the sake of triggering seizures did not strike a warm accord in Peter . But the medical team convince the family that no other reasonable options were available . Susan was mentally alert enough for hospital personnel to require her signature on the waiver form , yet confused and belligerent enough to refuse to pick up the pan . There was a humorous moment when Susan launched into an apocalyptic rant . The attending neurologist even turn theological when he asked , " Susan , is there any chance that you think you might be Jesus Christ ? " She paused and looked at each of the people standing around her before offering a reply : " Well , someone does need to save the world . " The physicians made it clear to Susan that they believed that she was incapable of making considered medical decisions that were in her best interest . They informed Peter that his best option would be to take her to court , and as absurd as it seems , that became the plan . Susan was assigned her own hospital appointed attorney ; Peter enlisted his . The judge deposed the physicians and eventually ruled in the case . The evidence did not lean in Susan 's favor . Aids summarily strapped her to a gurney and wheeled her way to the ECT lab . Two weeks after the ECT treatments , Susan was ready to be discharged . Electroconvulsive therapy was not without difficulty , temporarily erasing all of her memories . But she did come home . And some of her memories are starting to creep back . Light seems to be coming , bringing back to life emotions once hidden away . And this morning , Peter turned from his pillow to hers and said , " I can 't believe you are alive . " To which she replied , " I can 't believe it either . " And they rose from bed and went into their day trying to be as grateful as possible , treating life is a gift to be share . It 's been a quiet week in Mount William , New Hampshire , my hometown . Warm , but quiet . " Wearing sandals . It 's a Christmas miracle , " my friend Steve Sarles posted on Facebook this morning . [ 2 ] Of course , he lives in the south - you know , in the Boston suburbs . But it 's plenty warm in Mount William . I 'm okay with the lakes not being frozen over and there being no snow on the ground at Christmas . It seems like Christmases were either brown or a foot - deep in white when I was growing up . Still , there should be little pockets of ice between the rocks along the shore in the lake coves that don 't get the winter sunlight during the day . That 's just not happening this year with temperatures touching 60 . I 've heard weather forecasters saying that the El Niño in the Pacific is causing - or at least contribution to - the warm weather on the Atlantic coast and even the tornados that struck the southeast yesterday . How weird is that ? Speaking of weird , the Christmas card from Frank Dearborn says that he 's a grandfather . I used to babysit that kid , and he 's grandfather now . If he 's old enough for that , then I 'm - there 's just no way that I 'm that old . When he heard the news that his daughter was pregnant , he called the Bed and Breakfast his parents used to run and made reservations . Frank was determined to have a four - generation Christmas back in Mount William - and he 's made it happen . Frank and Jill , their two kids , their kids ' spouses , and their granddaughter are at the Grove Hill Inn ( the owners who bought out Francine and Ernest eight years ago changed the name ) . Tomorrow morning , Francine and Ernest Dearborn will drive up from Nashua and the family will celebrate at what was once their home . It was opening the door to the downstairs powder room yesterday that brought the memory back this time . Frank has had plenty of meaningful Christmases - the first with his wife , the one when their daughter was 10 and she suggested they pool the money they would have spent on presents and give it to the food bank , the one when Jill 's father was so sick and still insisted on taking the family to the midnight Christmas Eve service . But the Christmas of 1988 when Frank was 18 - this was one of the most transformative experiences of his life . Begin born into a family that ran a B & B meant that Frank had a job from the day he would make hospital corners . By the time he was a teenager , he was cleaning rooms and helping out in the kitchen , and he spent most of the summer cutting and splitting fire wood for the winter guests . But that Christmas , the winter after he turned 18 , his parents decided to give themselves a treat , to close down the Inn for the holiday and to take a trip to somewhere warm . That meant that Frank had the old B & B to himself - no guests , no parents , a stack of movies that his parents wouldn 't let him to watch when there were guests at the Inn . It was snowing hard the day he drove his parents all the way into Boston to catch their flight to Florida . He tried to look a little sad as he hugged his parents goodbye - his Christmas present to his mother . The drive back to Mount William was slow with all the accumulated snow . He was tired and hungry by the time he got to the village center , so he decided to stop of at Bessie and Winona 's Chowder House for something to eat . He wasn 't much of a chowder fan , but Winona made a great meat loaf and the cup of coffee was bottomless . The woodstove was crackling warm and the smell of meatloaf and homemade bread filled the place . Ewell Biggs and Ames Whitehead were sitting at the counter drinking coffee when he got there . They gave Frank the typical male New Hampshire nod and grunt of greeting . Frank nodded back and sat down , waiting for Bessie 's usual " Hello stranger ! " But Bessie just stared at him sadly . " It 's meatloaf tonight , " she said , as though that would be the last thing anyone would want . " They 're Armenians , " Bessie said to him , and then to Frank , " I was just watching the news . It 's over 20 , 000 dead now and about half a million people with no place to sleep . And it 's cold there ! " [ 3 ] " It 's cold enough , " Bessie insisted . " I saw this old woman on TV last night . They showed her hands . She was kinda holding them tight like this " - Bessie clutched her hands together - " and she didn 't have any gloves . She was just holding onto herself and shivering . It killed me . I couldn 't sleep last night thinking about that poor old woman . " Just then , he felt a blast of cold air on his back . Everyone turned to look at the door . A man was standing there - a stranger . There was several days ' growth of stubble on his face . He had on worn jeans and a flimsy baseball jacket and no hat or gloves . He was not from Mount William , or Bessie would have recognized him . " Take a seat , " Bessie said . She only called people she knew ' stranger . ' " Be right with you . " Before Frank could ask for ketchup , she was back to the Armenians . " And those children . Did you see those poor kids in the hospital with their legs all crushed ? One little boy couldn 't even remember who he was . The doctor didn 't know if his parents were dead or alive . " He was still standing in front of the door as though he couldn 't remember what he 'd come in for . " Coffee , " he muttered at last . " To go . " The man looked puzzled . " Armenians , " Frank said . " She 's all upset about the Armenians . There was a big earthquake over there . A lot of people died . " " And the rest are likely to , " Bessie said with a huge sigh . " Right at Christmas . I can 't get over those poor children . Cream and sugar ? " Bessie pushed on the lid . " That 'll be 63 cents , " she said as the man handed her a dollar bill . " This mason jar here is for the Armenians , " she said , pointing to it . " I 'm taking donation - if you 'd like to put in your change … " When he was ready to go , Frank stuffed his change into the jar even though he 'd given her one of the twenties his parents had left him . When he got back home , the first thing he did was hang out the " No Vacancy " sign . He wasn 't likely to get any visitors on a night like this , but he wasn 't taking any chances . He had the evening all planned . First a roaring fire , then a large bottle of Pepsi and big bag of potato chips , and then start in on the pile of videos . He had no sooner popped the first tape into the machine and settled back to watch when the doorbell rang … and rang … and rang . There was nothing to do but go answer . He put on the chain and opened the door a crack . " Sorry , no vacancy , " he said , and then he saw the stranger from the Chowder House . Frank hesitated . The man smiled - one of those shifty - eyed smiles that immediately makes you distrust someone . " Just think of me as one of them Armenians , " he said . He was right . Fake smile or not , he would freeze to death in his car on a night like that . " Okay , " Frank said . " I 'll have to move the truck out to make room for your car . " He closed the front door and carefully locked it before going out into the garage through the kitchen . He backed out the truck and a ten - year - old Chevy with rusted sides drove into the garage . Frank got an old blankets out of the cargo area , locked the truck , and hurried into the garage . " Here 's a blanket in case , " he yelled as he set it on the garage floor , pushed the button to close the garage door , and went back into the kitchen . He tried to stop thinking about the man in the car in the garage as he settled back down by the fire and the TV . " I 'm sure not gonna let him inside , " Frank thought to himself . " People get robbed and beaten up for that kind of stupidity - murdered , even . " Frank turned up the volume of the movie to try to drown out the thoughts . A child 's voice . It startled Frank and he opened the door . Sure enough , there stood a dirty , skinny , red - faced kid . " Daddy said you 'd let me use the bathroom . " Frank opened the door wider and let him in . What was he supposed to do ? Tell the kids to go out in the snow . Sheesh . He shut the door behind the boy and led him to the downstairs powder room . " Don 't use the towels , " he warned . He waited outside the bathroom for what seemed like ten minutes . What in the world was the kid up to ? Finally , he came out , walking tall and straight - backed like a little prince . He didn 't say a word , not even thank you . Frank sat down on a kitchen chair . The guy hadn 't said anything about any kid . He was thinking about calling the police or child welfare or somebody when there was another , softer knock at the door . This time , he just opened it . " You 've been to the bathroom already , " he stated to say when he saw it was a different kid - a stringy haired girl with a runny nose rubbed raw . " Where did you come from ? " he asked . Again he heard the word " bathroom , " so he shut the door and pointed her to the powder room . He didn 't even bother to warn her about the fancy guest towels . Somehow , he knew it was going to be a long night . Before the girl had left the bathroom , there was another knock at the door . This time there was a woman standing there , holding a baby in a filthy rag of a blanket . Frank couldn 't believe it . This was like one of those circus acts where people just keep coming out of a car . " Would you warm it ? " she asked . Frank looked down ; she was handing him a baby bottle half filled with frozen milk . " You 'd better do it , " he said . He got out a saucepan , filled it with water , and turned on the burner . " The kid - the little girl 's in the bathroom , " he said , nodding in the direction . He waited , as patiently as he could , for the woman to test the milk on her wrist and shove the bottle into the baby 's mouth , and for the little girl to finish wiping her grubby little hands on all four of the embroidered Irish linen guest towels . " I know , " he said grimly , going out with her to the rusty Chevy . The man was sitting behind the wheel with all the windows rolled up . Frank went to the driver 's side and tapped , but the man didn 't roll the window down . He looked straight ahead . Frank banged louder . " You 're going to have to go . This isn 't going to work . You didn 't tell me you had kids with you . " The man turned slowly and opened the window a crack . He gave Frank a look - it was the most sarcastic expression Frank had ever seen . " Just pretend we 're some of them Armenians , " he said and rolled with window up again . Frank stood there for a minute , trying to figure out what to do next . It was so quiet he could hear the soft sounds of the baby drinking its milk . The little girl was watching from the other side of the Chevy with big scared eyes . The woman hadn 't moved . She was till standing in the doorway , the baby cradled in her arms , a dark silhouette against the light streaming from the bright kitchen . " All is bright ' round yon Virgin Mother and Child . " An unheated barn was no place for a baby . And then he heard himself : " Away in a manger , no crib for a bed . " No room in the inn , not for two thousand lousy years . Frank led them into the living room to the fire . He turned off the TV and went to call Bessie . He knew he needed help and he was sure she would come . He 'd just tell her he had a houseful of Armenians . [ 3 ] On December 7 , 1988 , at 11 : 41 a . m . local time a magnitude 6 . 9 earthquake shook northwestern Armenia and was followed four minutes later by a magnitude 5 . 8 aftershock . Swarms of aftershocks , some as large as magnitude 5 . 0 , continued for months in the area around Spitak . Twenty - five thousand were killed and 15 , 000 were injured by the earthquake . In addition 517 , 000 people were made homeless . http : / / welcome . warnercnr . colostate . edu / avprojects / 98proj / world _ volc / web _ docs / armenia . html ( 22 December 2007 ) . The chatter at the Chowder House has been about Christmas - Christmas plans and Christmas hopes . Some have been hoping they won 't argue with the in - laws this year . Some have been hoping the turkey isn 't too dry . Some have been hoping they 've found a good present for that person who they love but who is so difficult to shop for . Maggie John had been hoping that she would be able to round up a group of old high school friends to go caroling . After her divorce , music has taken an important role in Maggie 's life . She joined a community chorus that rehearses in Concord back in September and she 's found healing in the music , the singing , and this new community of friends . Maggie hadn 't sung in a chorus since she was in high school . It was at a rehearsal of her new chorus that she got the idea . They were singing a movement from The Messiah and it brought back a flood of memories from those days over 30 years ago . Back in high school , some of her chorus buddies made attending the annual Messiah sing at First Congregational Church in Concord a tradition , and they followed it with Christmas Caroling around Mount William . At the rehearsal , as they sang , " And the glory , the glory of the Lord , shall be re - e - e - e - ve - e - e - ealed , " Maggie was suddenly transported back in time and she could see herself standing in the snow in front of a white clapboard house singing about figgy pudding , stomping her feet to try to get them warm again . In her mind 's eye , she could see the others : Susan who harmonized on alto so well ; Laura who was always suggesting which song to sing next ; Jeremy who had a beautiful tenor voice , and beautiful eyes , and a beautiful smile . That really was a hard crush she had . And wasn 't he Jewish , at least nominally ? Why was he out Christmas caroling ? Christmas seems to be filled with traditions . Each family has their own and they can be so strong kids are often surprised when they learn their friends have different traditions . All those traditions are gone for Maggie . It used to be that her family would spend Christmas Eve with her now - ex - husband 's family and Christmas Day would be spent at her parents ' home . That whole schedule has been tossed on the trash heap because of the divorce . She 'll still go to her parents ' home tomorrow , but her children will be with their father in Florida this year . Christmas started to take on a new meaning for Maggie , what with the change in her family system . To her surprise , Christmas is taking on a religious meaning for her , and she blames that on the singing . One of the songs her chorus sang is a contemporary , fairly complex setting of an ancient text . Once she started getting the music down , she started paying attention to the lyrics . " What an amazing way to look at the birth of Jesus , " Maggie thought . " And what an image of Jesus - a dancer , a lover - who doesn 't come to judge us , but who comes to dance with us , to woo us - who comes to dance with me . " Maggie had to wipe a tear away as she continued rehearsing . And now , Maggie is looking for ways to dance with Jesus . Chester Banks has also undergone a bit of a transformation . It happened on the bus ride from New York City last Friday . Chester is spending his junior year of college studying in France , and he flew home for Christmas . The cheaper fare was to New York , so he decided to spend a couple days there , and then to take the bus to Concord where his mother picked him up . About three hours into the seven - hour journey - well , it 's scheduled to be a seven - hour journey , but with traffic - Chester started getting impatient and bored . He can 't read in a bus without getting carsick and his iPhone had been dead for half an hour , so his mind started wandering . Images from the hours he had spent in museums over the past four months flashed before him . The bus reminded him of how nice European train travel is , at least comparatively speaking . That made him think about his trip to Belgium , which brought the Royal Museum of Fine Arts to mind , which brought Pieter Bruegel 's The Census at Bethlehem to mind . Chester 's journey from New York to Mount William was something like two and a half times as far as the trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem , he figured . If his phone had been working , he would have asked Siri how long it would take to walk from Nazareth to Bethlehem . Days , he figured , and when you factor in " marauding bandits , deep rain - washed wadis cutting through the path , inns with no room , or full - term pregnancies , " [ 2 ] he wouldn 't be wrong . Who was he to complain about a seven - hour bus ride that covered more than twice the distance ? Chester had learned in a religion class his freshman year that there is little historical evidence of this census . But then , for " Luke , the mandate from Rome and the journey of two peasants from Galilee to Judea are not primarily geographical or historical matters but theological ones . The question for Luke is where hope might be found for people like Mary or Joseph . They are , like poor and defenseless people everywhere and in ever time , at the whim of whatever caesar or mindless bureaucracy or uncaring machinery of state happens to lash out in their direction . Caesar issues a decree , drinks another glass of wine , eats a cluster of grapes - and Joseph and Mary pack provisions and head out on the Roman road to Judea . " [ 3 ] Chester 's mind drifted back to Bruegel 's painting . Bethlehem looks very much like a 16th century northern European village in the painting and it 's not obvious who Mary and Joseph are . They are just part of the peasantry filling the village . " They have disappeared into the anonymity of the powerless . The irony is that while Joseph , Mary , and their unborn child are heading to Bethlehem to be counted , in fact they do not count , not to Rome anyway . They are faceless nobodies under the boot of an uncaring empire . " [ 4 ] Suddenly a detail popped out - not from Bruegel 's painting , but from a display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York . Under a grand Christmas tree , there 's a grander , 18th century nativity scene . " In many ways it is a very familiar scene . The usual characters are all there : shepherds roused from sleep by the voices of angels ; the exotic wise men from the East seeking … ; Joseph ; Mary ; the babe - all are there , each figure an artistic marvel of wood , clay , and paint . " [ 5 ] But behind the holy family , so subtle he had almost missed it , Chester remembered there were crumbling Roman columns . The bus pulled off the highway and into a city . Chester wasn 't sure which one . Heck , he wasn 't sure if they were in Connecticut or Massachusetts at that point . He noticed how bus stations seem to almost always be in a more depressed part of town . " These are Jesus ' people , " he thought . Then he thought about the crumbling columns . " Why is the world still like this ? Why hasn 't God changed things ? " he found himself asking . He didn 't think these questions were a prayer , but apparently they were , for Chester felt an answer welling up in him . " While I 've been waiting for God to act , God 's been waiting for me to act . No wonder nothing 's happening . " [ 6 ] It 's been a quiet week in Mount William , New Hampshire , my hometown . The temperature has been bouncing all over the place . We had a white Thanksgiving and then two more snowstorms came through . Saturday , it topped 50 degrees even though there are still about three inches of snow on the ground . Tomorrow , it 's not supposed to get above 18 . The cold days got me thinking back to the year Andy and Pamela Wilson moved to Mount William . That was long enough ago that real estate was down right inexpensive . The Wilsons moved to Mount William after the family farm in Ohio went bust . For three generations , Wilsons had owned and run a small but profitable farm - until Andy took over . It was the year he bought a new tractor and planted soy instead of wheat and the rains didn 't come and … and the house and land had to be auctioned off . So the Wilsons took what little they had and moved to Mount William . They rented a tiny cottage owned by a second - cousin - once - removed of one of Pamela 's high school friends . They figured Andy could get a job in New Hampshire and they could start over and build a family and … and it was tight that first year , really tight . The only job Andy could find was as a night watchman in the Manchester Jordan Marsh , and that didn 't pay very well . That year , he volunteered to work on Christmas Eve . He really didn 't want to go home empty handed . Pam would have understood . In fact , she probably would have insisted on it . She was upset if Andy spent money on anything other than food , and even there , they scrimped . Whoever heard of a hungry farmer ? But Andy wasn 't a farmer any more . He was a night watchman - blue uniform , holster and gun on one hip , a flashlight the size of a baseball bat on the other . He thought the revolver was a silly part of his uniform . His father had stopped taking him hunting when he was 15 . " You couldn 't hit a bullet with the side of a barn , " his father told him , " let alone the other way around . " Well , the boss paid double time for Christmas Eve and between that and not wanting to face his wife without some sort of gift , Andy jumped at the chance to work . The store closed at 3 : 00 , so it was going to be a long shift . The sun set by 4 : 30 . By 6 : 00 , Andy was on his third cup of coffee in the quiet , empty , cavernous building . He turned on a radio and found a station playing Christmas music - carols , not " Santa Claus is coming to town " - the Christmas music he liked , the Christmas music that reminded him of his childhood . " That 's what Christmas is all about , " he thought . " Jesus being born in a barn - and it wasn 't one that belonged to his daddy either . " Not that Andy was blaming God or anything . He figured it was his fault , and he started rehearsing his long list of " if onlys . " But truth be told , Andy wasn 't so big on God that year . Back before they lost the farm , Andy had done a lot of praying . He couldn 't believe God wanted for them to lose the land , but that 's what happened . And Andy could see it coming . Like watching a car accident in slow motion , you can see that the cars are going to hit and there was nothing he could do to stop it . All he could do was pray . So that 's what he did . First , he prayed for rain . It didn 't . Barely any rain for two years . Then he prayed that the John Deere dealer would buy back the tractor . He wouldn 't , not even for half of what Andy had paid for it . Then he prayed for the price of soy to go up . It seemed as if the bottom fell out of the market . Then he stopped praying for a solution he could design and just prayed for a miracle . " Just gimme a doggone miracle ! " And here he was , walking around the store , listening to " While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night , " thinking about when he had to sell of his small herd of sheep . Maybe it was a mistake to start the sheep herd . His father wouldn 't have sheep ; too dumb for him . But Andy liked the sheep . He liked the face of some old ewe as she looked at him worshipfully , trusting him with her whole silly life . Andy could still go for a miracle . It 'd only need to be big enough that he could keep a few sheep . " How about it , God ? How about a miracle ? " he said out loud . His prayer echoed through the department store . The only other sound was the pinging and groaning of the heating system as it came on and turned off during the night . His first night on watch , he darn near peed himself the first time the furnace turned on . By December , he had figured out where most of the sounds came from , though figuring out the clicking of the flaps on the vents in the ladies room took a while . Sometime in the wee hours of that early Christmas morning , Andy heard a sound that was different , new . It came and went , but it made him turn off the radio and prick up his ears . When it came again , he started hunting for it . It sounded like it was coming from the back of the building , a weird sound . Maybe it was the hymns , but it reminded him of a lamb bleating for its mama . Or maybe he wanted an image that would calm his nerves . Shaking his head to make sure it wasn 't cobwebs , he started out in the direction of the noise . The lights in the store over night are low and spooky . They cast strange shadows , and as Andy walked toward the back of the store , he noticed he was sweating . " Pull your gun , " he thought to himself . " Don 't walk toward any strange sound with your gun in the holster . You won 't have time later . " He was quoting his training instructor without realizing it - not that the training amounted to much : a half - day seminar and then a couple nights shadowing another night watchman . He pulled the gun out . The noise was louder now , coming from the loading area , where crates were piled . Anybody could hide there . As he started imagining possible dangers , he had to wipe his face so he could see where he was stepping . " Probably a cat , " he thought . " Please be a cat ! " He knew there were cats behind the A & P grocery store , digging through the garbage most nights . All they had on the loading dock at Jordan Marsh was cardboard boxes from items that had been put out on display , but what does a cat know . He pushed the door out gently and sneaked through , gun in one hand , flashlight in the other . Then boom ! he was sprawled out on the loading dock , flashlight rolling off in one direction , the gun skittering in another . Luckily , the gun didn 't go off ; Andy had forgotten to release the safety . " Who 's there ? " he yelled as he tried to regain his footing . Then the box under his legs started to squawl . Andy knew it was no lamb . After gathering up his gun and flashlight , he looked into the Zenith AM - FM stereo carton and saw the pinched - up , bright red face of a baby - a little baby , probably not even a month old . " Hey you , " he yelled at the refrigerator cartons . " You come back here and get this kid ! " The refrigerator cartons didn 't answer . Nor did the stove boxes or the dishwasher crates . " I mean it ! " he yelled , shining the beam around . " You can 't just walk off and leave your kid like this . It 's against the law ! " He wasn 't sure about the " against the law " part , but it sounded good in the moment . In the movies , when somebody leaves a baby on a doorstep , there 's a note . So he poked around in the box for a note . All he found was a bottle , about half full , and one extra diaper . Not what you 'd call long - range planning , but hopefully enough to get Andy through until 6 : 00 , when his shift ended . Once they got inside , Andy 's nose told him he 's have to use that lone extra diaper right away . That 's how he found out the baby was a boy . It got Andy thinking about his father and their relationship - how difficult it had been . " Maybe the men in my family don 't do so good with sons , " he thought . But there was this little guy , legs churning like a fullback 's and yelling his little head off . And Andy could feel something in his throat the size of a baseball . By now , you 're probably thinking , " Why didn 't he call the cops ? " I asked him that once . He said he could have given me a bunch of reasons , but the real reasons was pretty simple : it never occurred to him . The last few hours of his shift flew past , and at 6 : 00 it was time to punch out . No one was there to open the store , of course ; it was Christmas , after all . Management didn 't think the store needed a day watchman on Christmas day , so Andy made sure all was secure and headed home . After a 15 hour shift , you 'd have thought Andy would have been bone tired , but as he opened the door to his home , Andy was feeling the same type of excitement he felt about Christmas morning when he was a little boy . The little home was dark and he didn 't want to wake up Pamela , so he went to the rag box and pulled out some retired undershirts . They would suffice as diapers for the day . And the patchwork laprobe Pam 's mother made for them when they were first married would be the baby blanket . Once the baby was swaddled up , Andy tiptoed into the bedroom . " You know what I mean , " she said as Andy placed the baby in her arms . " Andy , you know we can 't feed a baby . We can barely feed ourselves . " But she wasn 't looking at Andy . And Andy watched her fall in love . But all that would wait for another day . That morning , as the sun rose and began to pour light into their bedroom , Andy felt close to knowing what it 's all about for the first time in his life . " I prayed for a miracle and God sent me a baby , " Andy thought as he stroked the little boys head . " I guess that makes sense . Isn 't that what God did that other time ? Isn 't that what all the cheering has been about all these year ? " You hear about Bethlehem in the scriptures , so I suppose it 's famous , but it 's really not much of a town . Back then , there were maybe 300 to 1 , 000 people living there . [ 1 ] I guess Caesar wanted a more accurate number , because he ordered a census be taken . But for some reason , instead of just counting us where we lived , the order came down that we all had to return to our ancestral homes . Maybe it had something to do with Jewish inheritance laws or our clan identifications ? You know that we Jews descended from the 12 sons of Jacob , and according to the Torah , each tribe , each group of descendants from each of those twelve sons is assigned an area , a territory . My family is part of the tribe of Judah ; I 'm part of the clan of Ephrathah , so when we were told we all had to go back to our ancestral homes , I didn 't have to go anywhere . I was fine right were I was . In fact , I live in my great - great - grandfather 's home . He passed it down to his eldest son , who passed it to his eldest son , who passed it to his eldest son ( my father ) , who passed it on to me . Over the generations , my family has added to the house and now it 's actually pretty big - bigger than I needed for my family back then . In addition to using the house as an Inn , we made a living off of our small farm outside the town and I had a pretty sizable flock of sheep whose wool made me some money - enough that I could hire shepherds to look after them . These shepherds - hirelings , really , and quite a smelly lot - lived with the sheep in the fields , venturing into town from time to time for provisions . Through some of the year , I had them pastured up in the fields on the hillside around Bethlehem . That 's where they were that night when … So I had a flock of sheep , my small farm , and my house as ventures to make a living , and we were doing quite well - when we weren 't taxed too much by the Roman occupiers . Then Caesar announced this census - which I was convinced was really another method of raising taxes to pay for the so - called " privilege " of having Roman soldiers around to oppress us . At first , I thought , " There goes this year 's profits , " but then came this decree that we had to go to our ancestral homes to be counted . This meant that I might actually make some money from the Inn . And sure enough , people came to Bethlehem because they were of the tribe of Judah and somehow related to King David . Since they didn 't have any family here anymore , lots of us with bigger homes opened them to the travelers . The night before everything changed , a family came , knocking on the door . Everything else was full , they said . Wasn 't there some way I could accommodate them ? I 'm not quite sure how we did it , but we managed to squeeze in a few more people , but that was it . There was no way I was going to be able to accept any more guests . From before sun up to well after sun down , all we did was care for our guests . My wife and daughters spent all day making food and cleaning . My sons were busy looking after the extra animals that were now stabled in a cave out behind the house - the common practice . The cave was pretty crowded , too . I tried to keep on top of everything . Then , at twilight , another couple showed up , knocking at the door . They were looking for lodging and there simply wasn 't any , anywhere in town . The woman , poor thing , was pregnant out to here , looking like she was going to pop at any moment . What was I to do ? There really wasn 't any room left in my Inn , but I couldn 't turn these poor wretches out to fend for themselves on the streets . So I told them they could stay with the animals . We would make a nest for them in the straw . At least they would be off the streets and warm for the night … and , with any luck , they 'd get a little sleep . I guess sleep was not on God 's agenda - not for them , not for my wife , not for me , and not for my guests . I told you this girl was ready to pop ? Well , she did . Because they were out back in the cave we used as a stable , we didn 't even find out it was time until the baby was born . I don 't know why Joseph ( that 's the father 's name ) didn 't come get us when the labor began . It must have been intense and fast , and once the baby was there , he came back to the house to get me and my wife . There was no point in getting the midwife , so we went back to the cave . Sure enough , Mary ( that 's the girl 's name ) had given birth to a baby boy . By the time we got to the cave , the boy had be swaddled and - I thought this was resourceful - she 'd put him to bed in the manger . Mary was amazing , just amazing . Joseph looked like he was going to burst with pride and fall over from exhaustion at the same time . I don 't know why he was tired ; Mary did all the work . And then there were the animals . I usually think it 's ridiculous when people claim that animals are thinking something or feeling something . But I swear , that night , these first witnesses to the birth of this baby boy were aware of something . It was as if they knew that something particularly special was going on . And it seemed that their awareness rubbed off on me . I believe that every birth is a beautiful miracle of God 's grace , and I was overjoyed at the birth of each of my children , but this was different . This was sacred in a deeper way . God was doing something , and the donkeys and horses and our milk cow and her calf knew it before any of the rest of us . And then the shepherds - of all people , shepherds - confirmed this . In the middle of the night , when shepherds are supposed to be keeping watch over the flocks , protecting them from predators , they showed up at our door . They insisted that angels had told them ( told them , can you believe it ? ) that the savior of Israel had been born and they had come to see him . More noise ; more commotion ; less sleep . In they tromped to look at the baby . These shepherds - I mean who knows what goes on in the head of shepherds . Like the rest , of us they were hoping the Messiah would come , so maybe they imagined the whole angel thing . But then , I think of the witness of the animals . They didn 't have any political agenda . They simply knew some divine sacrament was taking place . Could it be that the savior was born at my house ? That was 20 years ago , and I remember it as if it was yesterday . And I remain convinced God was up to something . But it was 20 years ago . And I keep wondering what was God up to and when are we going to see the results of it ? My children are grown now . The house is filled with grandchildren . No longer any room to make it an inn . With each birth , I wonder if God might be up to something . And I remember that baby boy in the manger . And I wait . And I wonder . In so many ways , it 's all a great mystery to me . |
Today started off a little rough for Jason , and for a while it didn 't get much better . His pain level was such that he wasn 't able to come in for any of the therapy sessions he had , or any other appointment for that matter . The good part was that it was early enough in the day that he was able to call in to let the right folks know he wasn 't coming in , and therefore the schedule was changed early enough that it didn 't cause any problems . Jason hasn 't missed many full days of appointments , so I knew he was feeling kind of bad to do this . He pretty much just stayed in bed for the entire day . With that being said , as the day progressed the comfort level did begin to go from very bad to tolerable and then finally to able to get up in his chair . Of course that last part didn 't happen until later in the evening and just from a planning point of view , I was glad to see that he had gotten better . Today is Jason 's 29th birthday and not only were his godparents here , there were also a few people coming over to kind of celebrate with him . Anthony was the first to arrive , and he came in and had a nice visit with Jason when Yolanda and Steven came back . Now all of them were in his room and visiting , and just having some folks to talk to helped to make Jason feel better . I had just gotten back from picking up the girls when Yolanda and Steve showed up , so it was kind of nice walking in together . A short time later , maybe an hour and a half , Gary , Jeff and Matt came in , and that was good , because they brought the dinner . All told , we had 10 people all sitting around the tables sharing food and conversation and it was nice . Speaking of nice , I think now would be a good time to recognize a man whom we have yet to meet who has been helping Linda and I out with some travel help . He has paid for Linda 's air fare down here , and has offered to do it again . The first time was over Mother 's day , and as a result the tickets were kind of expensive , and he didn 't baulk at all . This next time will be next week , and he is doing this all in the honor of Lt . Chris Salisbury , USMC , his son , who died a few years ago . I am looking forward to the day I get to meet this man , as I 'd really enjoy being able to say , " Thank you . " to his face . Anyway , when the " dinner - birthday party " was over everyone recognized that Jason was needing to call it a night , and left . I was just happy that I didn 't have to chase anyone out of the house . Even still , after everyone was gone , Jason wanted to help with the little bit of clean up that was still needing to be done . Granted , it wasn 't much , but I wanted him to get back down and told him that I would take care of it . Marines , they just have that need to keep helping . Tomorrow Jason does not have any appointments , so we can relax for three days now . Not even sure if we 're taking the girls in to day care , so we 'll make the call in the morning . It was a good day , overall , and I was happy to see it end the way it did . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Posted by Today started out as a rough day for Jason , as his treatment from the laser was still very tender and he was very uncomfortable . He wanted to get in early to go talk with the Urology nurse , who was to get things ready for the treatment that the doctor had explained yesterday . The treatment probably won 't be happening for another week or so , but Jason needed to get in and begin getting things ready now . After that visit we went on over to PT to schedule some time with Dawn and Van , and also to get a June schedule established for PT , since May is coming to and end . Jason was beginning to feel very uncomfortable so he let Dawn know that he wasn 't going to be able to stay for any treatment , as it wasn 't going to work today . From there we were on our way to OT . There Jason did a quick session and then we went back home . It was relatively early in the day and Jason laid back down . He slept until Steve and Yolanda came by , and then actually slept a little longer . Yolanda had made some enchiladas for us and wanted to cook dinner for us tonight . As far as I was concerned , it was all good , and on top of that Yolanda is a good cook . The girls had a bath tonight , since both of them are learning new ways of getting dirty at day care . Stacy wasn 't too bad today , though Jackie seemed to have found a whole new meaning to the word , dirty . She was covered from head to toe , literally . I was half expecting them to charge me for the dirt we were taking with us . Okay , maybe I 'm exaggerating some here , but bottom line - she was dirty and happy . Anyway , I cleaned her up some , after she got home , and then after dinner I gave them a bath . I washed both their hair and cleaned them up , and afterward we had to shiny little girls . . . . ; - ) They got to say good night to everybody and then I told them a story tonight , and then they laid down and quickly went to sleep . My guess is that they were tired from all their activities . Tomorrow Jason has appointments , though I don 't know if he 'll be going . He has been hurting most of the day and still has a level of discomfort that is higher than regular . We 'll know tomorrow . Thank you , for your continued prayers and for all the support . Jason had a couple of appointments this morning , with one of them being the laser treatment again - the third one . We first got the girls up and I fed them breakfast , and had to do it so that it wasn 't in front of Jason . He has to go without eating because of the laser treatment ( it is the same as surgery , where he is put under a general anesthesia ) , and I didn 't think it would be fair to him . Anyway , the girls and I had Rice Krispies ( its one of their favorite cereals ) and then we took off for the hospital , and day care . It is really cute getting the girls into the daycare center because there is this fish tank close to the entrance . Both girls love to go over and watch the fish , and some times Stacy asks if Nemo is going to be there . They have no problems going to their classes and love to be with the teachers ; yet , as I come to pick them up , at the end of the day , they always come running to me . Makes me feel pretty good . Actually today when I picked them up I had gotten Jackie first and then went over to Stacy 's class . They were all outside and Stacy was playing in a sandy area . She saw me and jumped up and came running over carrying the shovel she had been playing with . She was a real mess ; and , looked about as happy as could be . One of the few times I didn 't have my camera , and one where I wished I did . It was such a great sight . Anyway , Jason 's treatments went well today . We had a great talk with the Urology doctor , and it looks like he wants to do some work with Jason , in a couple of weeks . This is great news as Jason is really wanting to be sure to put the infections behind him so that he can concentrate on the rest of his recovery . The laser treatment took a little over two hours from entering the PICU ( that 's where the treatment is done ) to when we were leaving . Jason felt a little woozie but otherwise pretty good , and we came back to the house . Lunch was both quick and easy , and then Jason went to sleep for a few hours . Not much else happened tonight until I gave the girls a bath . I got them dressed and read for bed and then took them in to see Daddy . Jason read them a story and then they went to bed . The really cool part of this is that they do it without any fight or argument , and that just makes it so much easier for both Jason and I . Right after I got the girls down in their beds I went back in to talk with Jason for a few minutes and then Jason 's God Parents showed up . They had been traveling all day and got caught up in the Los Angeles traffic . They thought they were going to get here by 18 : 30 ( 6 : 30pm ) but didn 't show up until 20 : 45 ( 8 : 45pm ) . They were both very tired so they came in and visited for a little while , and brought in some enchiladas ( Yolanda is a very good cook ) . They left and said they would be back tomorrow afternoon , after Jason 's appointments tomorrow , and visit for a longer period . It was very good to see both Steve and Yolanda , and it was good for them to see Jason . Tomorrow there are a few appointments and then we 'll be back at the house by about noon or 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . It looks like we 're going to be having a busy week for the rest of the week , but that is the way it goes . Thank you , for your continued prayers and support , and may God Bless you all . Today was a good day for this household - Jason was able to get up and go out to breakfast with the family , and enjoy being out and about for at least a little while . We were only out for a little more than an hour , and he needed to get back down when we got home . That was okay though , as we had a good time together and nobody had to do the cooking . Linda and I took the girls shopping and then a little later Jackie went down for a nap and Stacy played in the back yard and rode her tricycle . The new table and umbrella that Linda 's parents bought for the girls , was put together ( by Grandpa ) and they were very pleased with it ( the grownups have their own table with umbrella , and now the girls do ) . A couple of guys that worked with Jason over in Okinawa dropped by and visited for a couple hours . It is always good when his friends come by because he just notches his energy level up and he nearly forgets about his injuries . A little later Linda had to get packed up and ready to go back up to Livermore , though we 're already planning for the next visit . She said she wants to come back down for father 's day , and that would be a real nice thing , as far as I am concerned . I wanted to get her to the airport with plenty of time and just as we were getting ready to go I couldn 't find my keys . I started looking everywhere I could think of . We already had the girls in the van , so Linda had to stay out there with them , and that meant I was looking by myself . It took me a few minutes to find them ( they were stuck down in the recliner - apparently fell out of my pocket ) and then finally got going to the airport . I was now going to have Linda at the airport with less than an hour before her flight , and because it is Memorial Day I " knew " the traffic was going to be crazy . I was wrong - We made it to the airport and we were able to stop close to the entrance she needed and though she couldn 't stop and window shop , she still had plenty of time . Tomorrow Jason has a few appointments , and they start early , so we will be heading out just a little after 08 : 30 . I am looking forward to the opportunity to speak with the doctors , and hope they can provide us with some answers about why there is increased pain . More importantly I hope they are able to provide some ways that Jason can work to reduce the pain level again . Anyway , that 's it for the day , and I just want to thank you , all for all your continued support and for your continued prayers . Jason stayed in bed for most of the day , though he did get up early this morning . It seems that he spilled water on himself and it wasn 't just a little bit . The way we have it set up is that Jason drinks as much water as he wants all day long . He drinks some where in the area of about a gallon a day ( maybe a little more ) . He does this because of all the different medications he is taking , and it helps to make the affect a little less harsh on his kidneys . Anyway , at night he keeps his water container sitting close to the bed , so he can get to it easily , and sometimes he looks like he is even drinking while he is sleeping . Well , last night I guess he did something very close to that , as he picked up the bottle , took his drink , and instead of putting it NEXT to the bed , he sat it ON the bed and then proceeded to knock it over . Thus , at 06 : 00 this morning he woke up and the sheets needed to be changed out . It wound up messing up some of his bandages too , so I had to take care of those , and I think the extra movement caused him some extra pain as he wasn 't very comfortable for several hours . He didn 't feel up to getting out of bed until after 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) tonight . He seemed to be feeling pretty good by then . Linda and I worked on finishing up a couple of projects I had started a while back . In fact , one of those was actually started by Monica Wolley . It was a kitchen play set for the girls , where there was a 25 step sequence of things to do , in order to assemble the unit . She had gotten the first 5 steps done and I finished the other 20 . The other was a musical toy that should drive us a little crazy in a few days , either that or the batteries will wear down . Anyway , the girls have a couple more things to entertain and play with , and because of both of them , it should help them gain more knowledge about how things work . Linda and I also decided to act a little more like tourists and we went over to Cabrillo National Park . It is right on the coast and is dedicated to a Portuguese explorer who sailed up and down the California coast . I didn 't even know it was there , prior to this visit and thought that it is one of the hidden secrets of San Diego . It has some wonderful presentations and artifacts to look at , as well as having some great historical importance . I guess what I 'm saying is , if you happen to get down to San Diego , check it out . We celebrated Jason 's birthday today , because Linda ( Mom ) is here , and the timing works out better for Jason right now . He actually has a birthday on the 31st , so today is only four days early . It gives me a few more days to give him a hard time and tease him about getting older ( like I have room to talk ) . Anyway , the high point of that little celebration is when Jackie had cake all over herself , and we had to take a bunch of pictures . It is late right now so I 'll have to wait until tomorrow to post them to the blog . Thank you , for all you have done in supporting Jason , and for all the prayers you continue to send our way . Today started out a bit rough , but ended nice . Jason hasn 't been feeling particularly comfortable in his chair , and has been dealing with different periods of pain , associated with the HO , over the past several days ( couple of weeks ? ) . Today , with Linda being home we were hoping that he would be up for maybe going out to breakfast , since we haven 't done that in several months . Well , he said he would rather just have a bowl of cereal and stay in bed , and not move around too much . I understand about how he is feeling , as I have been watching him over these past several days , and I really wasn 't surprised at what he said . I got the stuff together for breakfast and then Linda actually stayed in his room , while the enjoyed breakfast . It was still early in the morning so I decided to take advantage of the fact that Linda was here with him , and I went for a short ( 12mile ) bike ride . When I got back and cleaned up Linda and I decided that we could run a couple of errands , as long as we weren 't gone too lone . I don 't mind leaving Jason alone , as long as he has had his meds , and he can get to them should he need to . While we were out we got a call from Tom Lightner and they were able to get a patio set and barbeque grill to us . It was great because that means we were going to be able to grill some food for dinner , and Jason and I have been talking about how we would really enjoy that . We got back to the house and found out the girls were going to be getting back to the house sometime this afternoon , and that just made the day that much better . By the time Tom and Fred arrived it was getting to be about mid afternoon . I helped them unload the patio furniture and grill , and then we put it all together . By the time we had just about finished the girls showed up , so the entire family was there , and they got to meet Tom and Fred . Tom let me know that the patio furniture and the grill were donated by Home Depot , as it was part of a program where they do what they can to help some of the Wounded Warriors . Jason will be sending a thank you back to the manager of the store , where the equipment came from , and possibly a picture or two . I used the grill , and the girls played in the backyard , and the first thing I did was cook some hotdogs . Because it was getting to be closer to dinner , I didn 't cook too many ; and , they were some of the best grilled dogs I have eaten in a long time . For dinner I grilled some steaks , since we had a couple of them , with baked potatoes . Everything worked out great and we were all happy with the results . Jason still ate in bed , but that 's okay , he has the tray to eat off of now , and it is much more comfortable for him . Today was a good day for Jason , and not because he only had one appointment ( with PT ) , though that was kind of nice . It was because after the appointment with PT was done we headed over to the galley and had lunch ; we leisurely headed back to the house ; and , just relaxed for a couple of hours . Afterward we headed back over to the day care center , where the girls are enrolled , and watched a performance that Stacy was in . I got a couple of good pictures , so I will need to get those on the blog , but for right now just know that she looked great and in just a matter of a couple of days of being part of the class , she was one of the better performers . Jason was a very proud Papa watching his little girl do the Hula and sign to the audience ( the audience was about 10 parents ) . I have to give credit to those teachers , they put a great deal of effort into getting the kids to do the dance , and making it coordinated . After the dance was over I got Jason back to the house and then headed over to the airport to pick up Linda . She flew in today on Southwest , and was supposed to be arriving at about 15 : 35 ( 3 : 35pm ) . What I didn 't know was that they had changed their schedule so that they didn 't arrive until almost 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) . That means I was driving around and around , waiting for them to come in for nearly a half an hour . Actually , what I did was , I called back to Jason and asked him to look up on the web , what the Southwest schedule was for the flight . When he told me I was both relieved and a little put out . I wouldn 't have felt so pushed to leave Stacy 's class room if I 'd known the schedule had changed . But hey , its the airline industry and they don 't seem to care about passengers like they used to ; and , Southwest is supposed to be one of the better ones . Jason started the day off with a shower and a dressing change . The wounds don 't look any worse and unfortunately they don 't look any better . We won 't be going in to see the dermatologist until the end of next week , so we have to just wait to see when the hyperbaric chamber work starts . I am hoping that it does fulfill all that we are being lead to believe it can do . On the other hand , I won 't be too surprised if it does not . Jason was up in his chair after the new dressings and within a short time he was getting uncomfortable . We had some time before we had to go to his first appointment so I asked him to go lay back down , and he did . I got the girls fed breakfast and finished getting them ready . After they were ready we started to get ready ourselves , including Jason - and then we headed on over to the hospital . There were three appointments and that alone would be enough to wear him out . As it turned out , by the time he was done with his first appointment he was starting to feel uncomfortable and in a short while it was decided to head back home and lay back down . After getting him back in bed , I took off to pick up some lunch . There is a new taco place we hadn ' 't tried and I wanted to see how they were . The food was good and they got my order correct . Not much else happened today , other than a call from the bike shop to let me know my bike was ready . I had a new set of gears mounted on the rear wheel ( the entire cassette was replaced ) . This should make it much easier for me to get up some of the hills around here . Jason on has the one appointment tomorrow , and it is for 11 : 00 , so that should allow me the time to pick up the bike in the morning . Speaking of picking up . . . I 'll be picking up Linda tomorrow afternoon and we 're going to have the entire weekend together . I am looking forward to this weekend . Today Jason was up and moving at a nice early hour , and though I was happy to see him get up and want to get going , it concerned me based on his last few days of elevated discomfort and pain . We got the girls over to their day care , and even Jackie went running down the hall , to her class room . It was great to see this because it showed me that both of them are fitting in nicely there , and they 're both happy to be there . Once we had the girls settled in to their class rooms we headed on over to the hospital for Jason 's appointment . He only had the one appointment today with Physical Therapy , so it wasn 't too complicated . While at PT we were told , by Dawn , that Van had come by to work with Jason on his chair , yesterday . I told Dawn that Jason would not have been able to attend any extra meeting because of how he has been feeling , so we 're going to have to push it again , and perhaps we 'll get a chance next week . The good thing about PT is that Jason gets to get off his chair , and though it is only for an hour it does help with relieving some of the pressure he encounters from sitting on the chair . Anyway , Dawn worked with Jason 's arms and shoulders , and she even commented that it seemed like his right shoulder was in much better shape than the previous time she worked with him . The efforts and exercises that she has been doing with him are starting to pay off . When I went to pick up the girls from day care tonight they were " rehearsing " for a performance that will be going on , this Friday . I let Jason know that he is expected to be there on Friday , and he sounded excited about going , so I 'm happy . Tomorrow we have our appointments to get done , and then back home . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today was an exciting day , in that it started early with Jason wanting to take a shower and get clean dressings on his wounds , then immediately after that the girls were up and running around . It was actually very rewarding to me in that Jason was effectively taking care of his daughters on his own , while I was doing laundry and cleaning up some things . By the time I was done he had gotten breakfast for them and was feeding Jackie some cereal . I still hadn 't eaten breakfast , so I started to get my stuff together , at about the same time both Stacy and Jackie were finished and then found out that Jason hadn 't eaten either . With that being said we sat down together and had our breakfast while the girls were having a great time " reading " to each other in the front room . Neither of them can read , but Stacy has a general idea of what the stories are about and can tell them to Jackie . When Jackie starts it is usually just a bunch of sounds since her vocabulary is still developing , though she can now say several words , and knows some names . We took the girls to day care and I need to get a photo in , of the girls , for their records . I may have to wait until tomorrow to do this , so that I can get a couple of good pictures . Jason 's appointments went well , and there was nothing new to report about . The only thing that we need to get scheduled is the hyperbaric treatment that has recently been approved . I 've been told we will have to head over to the UC San Diego Medical School to get this done , and there doesn 't seem to be anyone who knows how many treatments he is going to be receiving . All I care about is getting his wounds closed up and healed , so I look at this as another possible step to arriving at that point . Otherwise , his appointments today went well and we were back at the house before 12 : 30 , and we even drove through Taco Bell ( Jason was in the mood ) . The down side is that they messed up the order and didn 't include Jason 's bean burritos ( he always orders two ) . I called back over to the store where we bought them ( phone number was on the receipt ) and the guy I spoke to was very poor at handling a customer complaint . I finally asked him to have the manager give me a call , and I 'll see if I can get this fixed . It is the third time that this particular Taco Bell has messed up Jason 's order . Tomorrow I am going to try to get a bike ride in , in the afternoon and it depends on a number of factors , the most important being how Jason is doing . The appointment schedule is thin , with only one tomorrow so he should be able to stay off his chair for the better part of the day . Thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Today was a little tough on Jason . He woke up early this morning with a significant level of pain , but apparently not enough that he thought he should wake me . It kept him awake for a few hours , even after taking some pain killers . As a result he was tired for a good part of the day . I saw how he was so I decided to take the girls over to their day care earlier , rather than having them come to the hospital with us . If they came with us they would have also been around the house , and if I needed to work with Jason I didn 't want to have to take care of two little girls at the same time . Fortunately Larry came over at about the same time I was ready to take the girls so we didn 't have to wait too long and it was comfortable knowing that Jason wasn 't alone . Getting them into day care was actually pretty easy , considering it was their first day at this new center . I had anticipated that I was going to have to deal with extra paperwork or something else . As it turned out there wasn 't much paperwork , AND ( this is the good part ) on the stuff they still needed information on , I knew the answers . I felt pretty good that I didn 't have to take stuff back to Jason , especially considering how tired he was . He said the pain had gone away , but now he was just tired / sleepy . We got to OT first and the both of us did a craft exercise . The Therapist got Jason working on it first ( kind of a four string weave that ended up looking like a potential bracelet ) , and I was sitting there , just happy as could be . Of course the Therapist wasn 't going to let me just watch , so she handed me the same materials and said I had to do it too . I was a little hesitant at first but then decided , what the heck , we can both have something from our session together . It was kind of fun and looked much better than I thought it was going to look . I think mine looks the best , but Jason may disagree with me . . . ; - ) We went over to PT next and that 's where things got a little tough on Jason . There was a need to check out his vision and perception , and also his balance . The effort required Jason to move his head in different ways , over a prolonged period , about an hour , and when he was done he wasn 't feeling too goo . I tried to get him to lay down on one of the padded tables , and he said he was fine . Finally I suggested that we simply go back to the house because the next appointment wasn 't for almost two hours , and Jason could lay down for a while . He liked that idea so that 's what we did . We also had lunch , with Jason eating his in bed , and then he fell asleep , for about 20 minutes . I would liked to just let him sleep , but the appointment was there and I know that Jason doesn 't like to miss his appointments . As it turned out , Jason was glad we went and he had his appointment . He was ready to head back home afterward , and so was I . Jason got back in bed and I took care of a few things around the house . A bit later I prepared dinner and then a little after that the girls went to bed . Jason and I stayed up a little longer and we talked , then he wanted to get some sleep . I think he was still a little tired from the issues that happened this morning . Tomorrow should be a better day . Also , Tom and Fred came over this afternoon with a nice gift for Jason , and a nice gift for me , too . Tom grows some vegetables at his house and brought over some zucchini . . . I love fresh vegetables , and zucchini is one of my favorites . Tomorrow we have appointments set up , so we 'll get going early again , and I am guessing that this time we 'll all go , to take the girls to day care . I think Jason will want to anyway , just to see the class rooms . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers , being sent our way . Posted by Not much going on today . We had breakfast with the girls , and it was a little different from most of the rest of this past week . Jason typically has his breakfast without getting out of bed , and then only gets out when he has to . Today he got up at about 06 : 30 and decided he wanted to take a shower . After the shower he had new dressings put on his wounds , and by the way , they 're looking better . In fact , all of the area is looking better , and I 'm pretty happy about it , considering I 've been the one to see it every time . Anyway , after the shower the girls got up and were full of energy as they always are , and Jason decided to get dressed , to come have breakfast with the girls . In hindsight , I think this may have been an error because by 09 : 00 he was feeling uncomfortable and needed to get back in bed , which lead to us not going to church today . Well , we don 't need to attend every Sunday , we just like to attend regularly . The rest of the day was spent doing some laundry and lazing around the house . I did walk over to the mail box and pick up the Saturday mail , but other than that not much went on . Jason has appointments tomorrow , and more importantly , the girls BOTH start at their day care on the naval base . This will be the first time since we 've been in San Diego , that they have both been enrolled in a regular day care program . The drop in center was good , and the folks there got to know the girls , so they will be missed . However , I do believe this will be better for the both of them , as well as us . Jason spent the day at home and just relaxing . Being that it is Saturday there are no appointments , and we really didn 't have any place we needed to go . I did go for a bike ride that took me over to Ocean Beach , and there were a couple of hills that caused me to work up a bit of a sweat , and on the really good side was the bicycle shop I found . I 've been looking for one since I 've been here , semi - actively , so to come across this one was a real nice way to cap off the bike ride . Tomorrow is going to be a day similar to this one , though there may be more laundry that has to be done , and otherwise I 'm not sure what is going to be happening . With that I 'll sign off now and thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Today was a nice easy type day , that started out slow and really never got going fast - it might have gotten up to a medium pace , somewhere along the line , but not for too long . Jason had the one appointment with PT , and it wasn 't until 11 : 00 . That meant the girls got to sleep in , and didn 't get up until almost 08 : 00 and Grandpa ( me ) was able to play with them while getting breakfast and getting dressed in a much more relaxed manner . We were on our way to take Jackie to her day care center ( today was her last day there ) a little later than I originally wanted , but that was okay as it was still plenty of time to get to the Naval Base . It just meant that I had to take Stacy into the " drop - in " day care center by the hospital in stead of Jason being able to do it ( it was Stacy 's last day there too ) . Next week we begin to take them both to the same day care center and that will make it much easier on everyone . Anyway , Jason went in to his PT session and he found that Dawn was back - we didn 't expect to see her until next week , so that was a good thing . Jason had been working with Mike , and even though Mike is good it is always better to have the continuity of working with just one main person . She worked on Jason 's arms and shoulders , with a special focus on his right side . He has gotten most of his range in motion back with his right side , hand to shoulder , and on his left side it is complete . The biggest thing they need to work on is the shoulder area , and that is just going to take time . When the PT session was over we took off to go have lunch with Bob Hammer , and we ( Jason , Larry and myself ) all drove over to the Boll Weevle hamburger place , and we really enjoyed the food there . It was good to sit down and have a relaxed conversation with Bob , too . After that we headed back home so Jason could take a shower and lay back down ; then a little while after that I took off to go pick up the girls . Jason and I decided that we just wanted to have Pop Eyes for dinner , since I hadn 't planned anything for dinner tonight - actually , I didn 't know I was going to be making dinner . The chicken nuggets were just what the kids wanted , and we were able to get side dishes to make it balanced . The one thing that I found a little surprising was that Stacy wanted honey on her nuggets , yet she had never had honey on a biscuit before tonight . She was very pleased to " discover " this new flavor combination ( Grandpa worked the honey ) . Not sure what we 're going to be doing this weekend as we don 't have a bunch of things planned . I am thinking that I will get out and go for a long bike ride , and maybe explore a little farther up this one ride I took past weekend . Oh , and today was laundry day - I got all my laundry done ! Today Jason had just one appointment , and then a hair cut . The appointment was with the OT folks , and , again , they worked his right hand and arm , doing their best to improve his range of motion . Other than that , there really wasn 't much else done today . . . well , except I did manage to get a small update on his treatment . . . not that that is important . . . ; - ) First , you have to appreciate the fact that I was with Jason , just after he had gotten his hair cut . The barber shop is in the lower level , below the first floor , and if it were on the first floor it would be directly across from C5 , so it is pretty close to where his appointment was . Now , having said that , Jason finished his appointment and I asked him if he would like to go to the C . A . R . E . folks , and get an update ( I honestly don 't remember what C . A . R . E . stands for , but if anyone should want to know I can get another flier ) , since the woman in charge there is our point of contact for updates . He said yes , so we headed over to the location where we last spoke to them - it was across the campus . When we arrived I asked to speak with them and the guy behind the counter said he would give them a call , and he did . When Marie answered , she informed me that they had moved back over to C5 , to be more convenient ; they just forgot to tell us . Anyway , the update went something like this ; Jason 's wounds are still improving , though slowly and the Plastics doctors and the Dermatology doctors were pretty happy with the progress . They want to add another treatment called a hyperbolic chamber that forces oxygen to the cells , and that promotes more skin growth . It is very similar to what they use on divers who come up from deep dives , too fast . Once the wounds have improved to a higher level , or at least as far as dermatology thinks it is going to go , then there will be talk about going after the H . O . The H . O . will require at least one more surgery and probably more , and if they are able to do what they want to do it should allow the Plastics doctors the ability to establish more " padding " for Jason and even some possible adjustments to his posture . The surgeries for this work will be done either here , in San Diego or in Bethesda , and it is all up to how Jason feels . It will be his call . My guess is that as far as a time frame is concerned we 're looking at sometime in the Fall , if the surgery is going to take place . Crazy day today - It was supposed to be an easy day that had been coordinated with the Marines , but for what ever reason , the ball was dropped . Today I had a couple of errands to take care of , as well as my own medical appointment , over at the VA . Because of this I made sure that Jason had contacted the Marines to let them know they were going to be needed to transport him to his appointment , and to make sure they had the times for all his activities . I told Jason that because of the way his appointments were set , and my appointment was set I should be able to come pick him up when he was all done and bring him back to the house . Well , I got out at a reasonable time and took the girls to their respective day cares ( I will be so glad on Monday because they start to go to the same day care then ) , and then I had time to take care of a couple of errands I needed to get done . As far as I was aware , everything was running smoothly and I even had a great appointment with my new doctor at the VA . Once my appointment was done I hurried back down to the van and immediately called Jason to let him know I would be able to get over to his location ( he was at OT ) in about 15 to 20 minutes . I drove over and I made it to OT , and then Jason let me know what happened . He not only missed his first appointment , but he also missed the Day Care Orientation . The driver was not able to get over to Jason 's place until almost 12 : 30 , and that still made him late for his 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) appointment with OT . I asked what happened and he really wasn 't able to explain it , other than to say they were significantly late , even after he made multiple contacts to them , to be sure he was at his appointments . As it turned out , Bridgette was able to make the Day Care Orientation , so the girls places were not lost . There is still some paper work that Jason has to turn in to complete everything , but if Bridgette had not been able to be there I 'm afraid the girls would be pushed back to square 1 , and that would not have been a good thing . A couple of the other Marines have already spoken with Jason and said they would be looking into what happened , and apologized . There are going to be times where Jason is going to need to depend on the Marines to get him to , and from , his appointments , and this was not a good showing of their abilities . Otherwise today was a good day . My visit with the doctor was good and he said I was in pretty good health , though he does want me to get more exercise in . I explained that I was hoping to get more bike riding in and he was happy to hear that . My cholesterol is in good shape ; my blood pressure and pulse are all doing well , and my weight is getting better . Overall , I 'm pleased with how things are going . Now to move forward and continue to work with Jason and get him better . Today was a pretty smooth day , though we didn 't get to speak with Dr . Pyo , like I had wanted to . I even called before leaving the house and left a message on his phone . The problem is that I had forgotten that he told me he was going to be gone this week , so it was my own fault for making that plan . Oh well , we will have to just wait until next week to get an update on what the next steps are . Right now the laser treatment is still moving along , and there has been some progress , though it seems to have slowed significantly . Jason has a dermatology appointment a little later this week , so we 'll talk to that doctor then . The overall desire , right now , is simply to make it possible for Jason to be more comfortable while in the chair . The next step , once that is accomplished is to be able to have Jason fitted for a prosthetic , as right now he can not be . It is a little frustrating , sort of just going through the motions , but we both know it is important to have his upper body strength and flexibility , for when he finally does get to the point of possibly " standing " once again . The other appointments today were with OT and PT , as well as with Jason 's mental health doctor . They are amazed at the mental resilience of Jason , and I think for good reason . He talks freely about the I . E . D . blast , and all that happened , that he can remember . Tomorrow Jason will be heading in to the hospital for his appointments , without me , again . I have my own appointment with the VA , and the times conflict . He will be riding in with the Marines , and I will probably be the ride home , as my appointment should be over well before his are . That pretty much wraps up all the activity for Jason , today , other than the visit over to MCRD . Jason wanted to take the girls over to Bridgette 's new work place . She has changed her job from driving around in a car most of the time to administrative work that will allow her to have a more regular schedule . I hope it works out , as that would make my life a bit easier too . Jason had three appointments this morning , but only two of them were originally scheduled . The first one , with Urology was kind of a walk - in , just to get an update . Jason asked the doctor about some tests that were done last week , and wanted to know the results , we figured on a 10 to 15 minute visit at the most . Well , about 75 minutes later we were leaving the office for the next appointment . As it turned out the doctor had not yet looked at the results , and when Jason asked he brought up the information ( as it turned out it had only arrived about an hour before we got there ) . The result showed that there was now a fungal type infection that Jason was now dealing with and so that created a new need for different action , as well as another prescription . The new meds will run for two weeks , and the doctor is confident that the drugs will get rid of the fungus , and it is good that it was caught early , as it was . The challenge is to figure out where it came from in the first place , so as a result of that visit Jason has another few new visits with Urology , that he didn 't have before . I will need to be sure to get him to these new appointments cause I don 't want to have to see Jason go through fighting off another weird bug that they don 't know about . Anyway , after the Urology visit we Jason had PT ( Physical Therapy ) and we were to head on over to the pharmacy for the new Rx and then OT . ( Occupational Therapy ) . Once the visits were all done Jason was ready to head on back home . Frankly , I was too . We got back and found out that there has been some sort of a goof up on the housing , and it happened in December , right as we moved in . I guess the Gate Way ( that 's the name of the area we 're in ) people have been working with the Housing folks , and have not been able to get it resolved . They didn 't want to bother us because of Jason 's Wounded Warrior status , and now have come to the conclusion that it can 't be resolved without help from us . The issue is that there is some money that needs to be paid , to get everything squared away , and from Jason 's point of view , he isn 't going to pay it . It was their mistake , they can fix it . The amount of money isn 't much , but it is the principle we 're dealing with on this one , and Jason worked with this kind of stuff , early in his Marine career so he feels he knows how to fight the battles and win . I 'm pretty much just along for the ride . Funny thing is , it seemed to make him brighten up and feel better to have this challenge . I guess he feels like he has something to do now . Not much else going on today , Bridgette and the girls showed up about 19 : 30 ( 7 : 30pm ) , after she got off work , and it looks like they are going to be staying the night . Still trying to figure out the schedule now , as it continues to be very dynamic , but Jason is happy with the change , so I 'll continue to support it . Tomorrow Jason has a few appointments , and I 'm going to try to get an audience with his primary doctor , just to find out what the plan is for Jason 's comfort . I also need to start pushing a little harder about his chair seat , as it is beginning to show more signs of wear , and I have been asking them about a replacement / fix for several weeks now . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Had a great day today . We got up and had breakfast , and then all of us went to church . The message was about forgiveness , and just seemed very appropriate . Jason is feeling like he is making progress , and his wounds are looking pretty good , though the smaller one seems to have stopped shrinking ( the bigger one has not ) . The one thing that troubles me some is that he doesn 't seem to be able to be in his chair as long as he used to , without the level of pain starting to go up more quickly . I will be speaking with his doctor tomorrow about that and see if they have any new information to share . I am aware that there is supposed to be another of those meetings this coming week , so I am hopeful that something is going to be shaking free . Otherwise we spent the rest of the day at home . Jason took a pretty good nap this afternoon ( I actually got a short nap in ) . Then this evening I spent a little time on the web , catching up on the news and then I was going to start reading a new book , Special Operations by Oliver North , when I received a call from a close friend , Larry Soares . He told me that 60 Minutes ( the TV show ) was airing a segment on Gary Sinise and his efforts to build the Wounded Warriors homes . A short while later I received a text message from Bob Hammer , telling me the same thing . I guess some folks wanted me to see it . . . ; - ) . Anyway , I had Jason turn it on too , so we could both see it and it was really cool . We saw a bunch of folks we knew , and places we 've been to , as well as it high lighted all the great work that Mr . Sinise is doing for some of these guys . I hope some of you were able to catch it . Tomorrow we need to get over to the appointments , but not until late morning , so that makes it easier for us to get over and see some of the doctors earlier . One week from tomorrow Stacy will begin going to the Day Care on the Naval base , and Jackie is being transferred at the same time . This is going to make it a whole lot easier for us , and Jason is particularly happy about it . We went over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) last week , and Jason likes what he saw , as did I . Let 's hope that this is the start of a great week and things only get better . Thank you , for all your support and prayers , and keep in mind those that working so hard to help these guys , people like Gary Sinse and others . Not much else happened today , other than I did get out for a bike ride and found some hills to ride up and down . I was only gone for about an hour , and in that hour I was able to generate enough sweat to soak my shirt pretty well . I 'm going to be doing as much riding as I can now , so that I can get back in a little bit of shape - not that I 'm out of shape , well , okay , maybe I am . We 're all going to church tomorrow , so I 'm looking forward to a nice Sunday afterward . I went and did the shopping at Costco today , so there really isn 't anywhere we need to go - at least as far as I am aware . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . This is my 440th post to this blog , and I 've tried not to miss a day , though I did take a couple of days off , not too long ago to spend some time with Linda . Even then , there was only one day that I didn 't see Jason . Today was a typical day , that had us going to the base , and going to appointments , and it also was a time to go visit the Child Development Center ( C . D . C . ) , as both girls will be going there for their day care . Right now Jackie is over at the Patrick Wade Center and will transfer over at the same time Stacy starts , on May 21 , just 10 days from now . It will be so much nicer having the girls at the same place where Jason goes for treatment . This weekend is going to be a time to do a few things around the house and maybe visit with some friends . I 'm hoping to get in another bike ride , today 's ride was kind of short , but it had some hills that worked me hard , so I think I may for a different ride tomorrow . Not much else to go over tonight , so I 'm going to just call it a night and go to bed in a little while . Today was another good day for Jason , though there was some extra bleeding from his wounds , I think he put a little too much pressure on them , when he was doing his PT exercises . He has gotten into a mode of when he is working out there he gives it his all , and perhaps I need to get him to ratchet it back , just a little . Otherwise , he had a short visit with Urology , where they determined that they needed to redo his infection culture ( seems no one did the last one , and as a result they have no data ) , and that should take another few days . We 'll probably hear the results early next week . He is feeling better , but then he has completed the regimen of the antibiotic , and it is a very strong one . We were also supposed to pick up some more supplies today , but it is unfortunately becoming more typical for just about anything that is done with Jason . He is a unique case , and as a result the technicians don 't readily see the orders that are place . For example , I worked with his case coordinator and ordered a number of things . She said I should be able to go pick them up at one location ; I went to that location and they didn 't have what was ordered and said it was going to be sent to the house . We then went over to pick up a Rx from the pharmacy and they said they had part of that previous order I was just talking about . Only thing is we had ordered a month 's supply ( about 120 pieces ) and they only gave us 18 . I had to go back to the Coordinator and she walked back over with me and got them to give me all that was requested . As I said , in Jason 's case things are different and so they people don 't always know what is going on . A little frustrating sometimes , but fortunately I 've learned who to go to , to get it corrected . Tomorrow there are a couple more appointments , and then a restful day at home . I didn 't get my bike ride in today , so I 'll strive for it again tomorrow . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . Jason had a pretty good day today , in that yes we had appointments to attend to , and they were all done without event . In the middle of them , however , Jason and I were able to go make a couple of pens . There is a group of retired vets who work with the AS / YMCA , or Armed Services / YMCA . They have set up a little wood working shop where the patients can come and turn wood on their lathes . You can make a number of different things , but the main item is to make pens out of wood . The mechanical workings , inside are from Cross Pens , so the quality is pretty good , and when you need to get a refill all you have to do is go to a Cross dealer and buy a new one . This isn 't the first pen that Jason has made there , but it was my first , and I 'm happy to say it came out looking pretty good . I got a couple of pictures of Jason turning the wood and working on the lath , so you get to see exactly what he is doing . One we were done with the activity and with the appointments we headed back home . Jason was ready to sit back and eat lunch and so was I . We relaxed for a little bit and then received a call from the New York Times - one of their reporters who works on the artistic articles . She heard about the drawings that were done of Jason , by Victor Juhasz , while he was out at Bethesda and wanted to get Jason 's take on what they mean . He and I spoke with Carol Kino for the better part of an hour and actually , Jason did most of the talking . It seems he likes to have new ears to hear his story and I think it makes him feel better , being able to tell it . I provided some details , though for the most part just watched . We relaxed most of the rest of the day , except for some of the clean up I had to do around the house , and then the dinner I made . We were going to be going to the movies tonight but Jason wasn 't feeling up to it , so our plans changed . I had most of the ingredients for beef stroganoff ( spell check thinks its spelled wrong - I think its correct ) , so that is what I made . It tasted okay , but didn 't have the " zing " I usually have when I make it . Oh well , next time . That 's about it for today , and tomorrow we head back out for a few more appointments . As long as nothing else happens I just might go for a bike ride tomorrow . Today started off with Jason taking a shower , and me changing his dressings out . His wounds look like they have kind of hit a stall point . They haven 't changed , or shrunk , much - though they haven 't grown any either . Along with that , there are no new areas to worry about , so over all it was a positive . He had an earlier appointment ( 09 : 30 ) than usual , but not so much that it was a challenge , that is until I went out and locked the car keys in the van . Of course that didn 't happen until just a few minutes just prior to when I wanted to leave . Well , we both ( Jason and I ) got on our respective phones and called to see if the Marines could get over here quickly so he could get to his appointment , now subject to being late . Funny thing is , we both got through to different people at about the same time and they ended up sending the same guy to come pick up Jason ( and Larry ) . I stayed back so I could get the van opened up by a locksmith . Jason made it to his first appointment only a few minutes late ( a benefit of not having to park and walk through the parking lot area ) . Right after calling for the Marines to pick up Jason I identified and called a local locksmith , and he was over in 20 minutes . A real nice guy who gave me a discount because of the military connection . He had the van open in about 2 minutes of arriving and was about the most pleasant road service guy I 've ever encountered . He was from the Busy Bee Locksmith company . I managed to get to Jason 's first appointment before he was done , and just sat in the waiting area until he was done ( Larry was already there waiting ) . Jason had a Physical Therapy appointment next and Dawn worked on his arms and shoulders , then on his core . I will be posting a couple of pictures tomorrow to show how Jason is doing , and I believe everyone is going to be pleased with the results . Once the appointments were done we came back to the house and had lunch and kicked back . I worked on a few things and Jason played video games , and then took a nap . Tomorrow is going to be very similar to today , only it will start with taking Jackie to her day care center . Jason offered to take a pick up the girls any time the help is needed , and apparently tomorrow it is needed . . . AND we 're happy to be able to assist . Not much to report about today , other than he had some appointments ( three ) and we were back home before noon - and that 's after going to In - N - Out Burger for lunch ( my stomach still has not forgiven me ) . Maybe I 'm just not a good fast - food kinda guy , or perhaps we haven 't been going often enough to keep my stomach conditioned for that food . Don 't get me wrong , I know their burgers are generally pretty good , and I have been able to eat them easily in the past - maybe I 'm just getting too used to eating at home most of the time . This getting healthy stuff is messing with my diet . . . ; - ) About the toughest things Jason had to work on were the exercises that Dawn put him through at Physical Therapy . All the trainers there like Jason , mostly because of his positive attitude , with a secondary issue of him being able to talk with them . He loves to tell them about some of the things he does , and also things the girls do , when they 're with us . But then , he is a proud papa . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and it has literally just now dawned on me - I didn 't check the mail today . I guess I should go take care of that early in the morning , don 't want to have the mail carrier think we 've forgotten about them . Tomorrow is going to be similar to today , except that Jason doesn 't have to go in so early , like he did today . There is a transition going on with the command of the Wounded Warrior Battalion , and originally he was supposed to get to meet the new command . As it turned out something came up and the new guy was not able to get over to the Naval Base , so they 're gong to try again later , but not yet scheduled . On the bright side - I 've been able to get this post out a little earlier . . . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . A nice relaxed day for us , though there were a number of minor challenges , mostly related to ants coming in the back door . I have to admit , I have not been mopping the floor everyday , like I should . Especially with the fact that Stacy loves her apple juice , and some gets on the floor . Jackie like apple juice also , but not near as much as Stacy . The ants around here are very small , and that kind of surprised me , as I thought the ants up in Livermore were already pretty small ; these guys are about half the size of the Livermore ants . Anyway , I spent about 30 minutes cleaning up and doing my best to get rid of them , and will be talking with the Gateway Housing folks in the morning . We took the girls to church this morning and they both had a great time with Sunday School . We 're getting to know some of the folks at the church , since we 've been there a few times now , and actually , the family that lives across the street from us also goes there - though they 're new too . Because Jason doesn 't like to be up in his chair longer than need be we didn 't hang around and socialized too much after services . We got home and into the house and that 's when we found the ants , so lunch was slightly delayed . Tomorrow Jason and I both have appointments , with mine being with the V . A . I have to head to a different location than Jason , so the Marines are coming to take him . There is also a special meeting early in the morning so Jason has to head out early . He will be getting a chance to meet with the Lt . Col . and First Sgt . , along with several other guys , and they will be discussing whatever it is they talk about . My appointment requires that I leave the house early as well , so we both have to get up early , and with that , I 'll sign off now . Not a bunch to write about today . Jason spent most of the day in bed - in fact , except for one short stint where he went to the bathroom in his chair , he didn 't get out of bed at all . I took the girls down to the park , a short while after we had breakfast , and let them play for about an hour . There were a few other girls ( not sure where all the boys are ) playing there also , though they showed up several minutes after we got there . Jason did play with both of them while in his bed , and read to them - they like it when Daddy reads to them , but he didn 't get out of bed . Not much of a Cinco de Mayo , from a celebration stand point . Otherwise we just stayed home all day and it was very nice . Jackie loves to get outside , so I was letting her run around out on the patio , and she enjoyed that . There were a couple of birds hopping on the fence and that was a special thing for her . She was quite excited to see them , and also the air traffic that is constantly going by . They will be headed back to their mother 's place tomorrow evening , so it will be getting quiet around here again . Then when they do come back we 'll finally have their day care all set up with the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , and that will be something new for all of us to get used to . Today was a good day for appointments , in that Jason only had the one with the dermatology folks , and then there was a quick visit with urology ( it wasn 't an appointment though ) . When we got to the Naval Base we took the girls over to the day care center and dropped them off . Stacy loves going there , and especially likes Ms . Nancy . I don 't know if Jackie has a favorite because she gets along with just about everybody and goes to just about everybody - as long as Grandpa isn 't around . If I 'm around she wants to be with me , but hey , she 's got good taste in people . . . ; - ) Anyway , while Jason was at his appointment I received an email and it said both Stacy and Jackie would now be able to go to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) for day care , located right there on the Naval Base . My first reaction was excitement and then concern because Jackie is already enrolled at the Wade Parker CDC , that 's close to the house . Besides , Jason has already paid for the first half of the month of May at Wade Parker , and I 'm concerned that things will get messed up in the paper work . We 'll just need to make sure that all the paper work gets processed correctly , so that no mistakes are made . It will be good to have the girls together , and to have them at the Naval Base is just an extra plus for us . I was contacted by the New York Times , because they are doing a story on Victor Juhasz , the artist who drew and painted Jason , while he was at Bethesda . She will be talking with us on Wednesday , via telephone or Skype , and I 'm guessing it will be about 30 minutes or so . I 'm hoping that it helps Victor is some way , since he did so much for Jason with the drawings and paintings . I 've had a couple of interrupts while trying to get this post done , with one of those being from Jackie . Sometimes she will wake , crying , and I just need to take her in to Daddy and he calms her down . I don 't particularly like running up and down the stairs this time of night , but it does make me feel good when Jason is capable of calming his children down , and that also means I 'll probably get a good nights sleep . . . ; - ) When I began this blog , over a year ago , I had no idea that it was going to be still going on as much as it is . Typically there are about 150 views every day , and seldom is there a post that doesn 't get some comments . It has been rewarding , in that it has let me have an outlet for some of the challenges that have been faced by Jason , and to a lesser extent , me . It has also allowed me to keep a chronological record of what has happened in Jason 's recovery and rehabilitation . I hope all those that have been reading it have enjoyed following along , and will continue as long as I am able to continue posting , and now , with that said , here is some of what happened today . As I said yesterday , all of Jason 's medical appointments were cancelled today , so that he could focus on some of the other stressful areas that have been impacting his life . As it turned out , it was the right thing to do . By the end of the day Jason seems to have regained a great deal of focus on what he wants to do , and how he wants to get there . He felt like there was a ( for lack of better description ) void , because he just flat didn 't know what was going to be happening . He now feels like he has a much better understanding of what is going on , and that " void " is just about erased , or should I say , filled ( with knowledge ) . Knowing something is so much better than not knowing . The morning started out with an elevated stress level and at the end of the day he was playing with the girls and reading them stories , and even told them their bedtime story . I know I felt a whole lot better seeing him engaged that much . His attitude is so much more positive now . The down side is that I really can 't tell you the details of what happened , or who we went to visit , but please be happy that it made both of us feel much better , and especially him to feel better . The way the day ended was a trip down to the park with the girls , where they got to play for about 30 minutes . Then we headed over to the hospital to pick up a Rx that he was just about out of ( with the pain medications you don 't want to loose any continuity ) . Then because it was just about 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) we decided to go to Mimi 's for dinner . The girls thought it was great fun , and Stacy was talking non - stop while we were there . Jackie was happy to , as she was saying , " Hi ! " to just about anybody that walked close by - it was very cute . After dinner we came back home and shortly afterward we got the girls ready for bed . It had been a busy day and they were both tired , as were Dad and Grandpa . I think we 're all going to sleep well tonight . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and for all the support that is being sent our way . Today was one of those days that kind of got away from us . We had appointments and then had some other personal issues come up that required Jason to go in a different direction . He did manage to get in to Occupational Therapy , but the other appointments were just cancelled . We ended up having to take another side trip to go retrieve his cell phone , since it apparently dropped off his chair last night . Fortunately for us Anthony Netto found it and it is only about a 20 minute drive to get out to see Anthony , and then another 20 minute drive to get back . Jason needed to get in contact with a couple of folks , and their contact information was on the phone , otherwise we wouldn 't have needed to retrieve the phone so urgently . Once we got back from picking up the phone we immediately headed over to the Patrick Wade Child Development Center , where Jackie is to start day care this coming Monday . Today was the orientation for new parents , and it was important for Jason to be there . We got to see the class room where Jackie will be going , and a chance to meet the teachers . It was actually the second time for visiting the center , so it wasn 't all a totally new experience for us . Again , we headed back to the house , and this time Jason was able to lay back down and rest . At this point he had been up in his chair for about four hours , and he was becoming uncomfortable . Linda had to fly back up to Livermore this evening , and she had stayed back with the girls so that we could go to the Patrick Wade Center orientation . The girls were still asleep when we first got there , but were soon up and awake . Marilyn Carter came over to visit and presented the girls with some gifts . It was almost all Hello Kitty stuff , and Stacy was very excited ( one of her favorites ) . Jackie was happy to see the gifts too , though I don 't believe she has formed much of an opinion about who here favorite characters are , yet . It was good to see Marilyn and her son , Christian , and they stayed for a nice visit , then had to get on to the airport . They also took Linda to the airport , as they were all flying back together . Linda won 't be able to get back down here until Memorial Day weekend , so yes , that means she won 't be seeing Jason for Mother 's Day . It was something we talked about , and it was a difficult decision for her , but it was how she wanted to handle the time off , since she has been taking a lot of time off from her daycare . For me , I 'll just be glad to see her again , and possibly for 4 or 5 days . Thank you , all for all the support and for all the prayers being sent our way . Jason is still dealing with some issues that weigh heavy on him at times and the need for divine support is real . Okay , I 'm back . . . I know it was only a " one - day get - a - way " for Linda and I , and it did cross two nights , so that is why I missed two days of updates . As it is , there really wasn 't a bunch to write about , since Jason didn 't go anywhere ( other than to church on Sunday ) , and Monday there were no appointments , so he didn 't go anywhere that day either . When we got to the house this morning it was just as the Marine bus had arrived to pick up Jason , and get him to his appointments . It was a bit chaotic at first , with the girls running around saying , " Hi ! " to Grandma and Grandpa , and poor Monica was exhausted from trying to keep up with everything , and on top of that she didn 't sleep well last night . I told her she could have gone up to my room and slept on that bed , but she worried she wouldn 't hear the girls if they woke up ; so , she didn 't sleep much at all . She wanted to do a good job , and she did . The girls really enjoyed having her here , probably as much as the rest of us did , and we 're going to miss her , now that she has gone back home . Anyway , Jason had his appointments and while he was at the Speech Therapy appointment I was able to go take care of a couple of other things , and then when he was done with all his appointments the Marine bus took us back to the house . Once we were back home I had to hurry and get Monica to the airport , so she could get back home . She graduates from high school this year and she is looking forward to continuing on with college . Not sure what she is going to study , but whatever it is I 'm sure she will do well as she is a pretty bright young woman , and seems quite confident in herself . Once I was back at the house I had a chance to get up stairs and check my email . It was now almost 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and the girls were asleep ; Linda was taking a nap ; and , Jason was resting . We had a dinner to go to at about 18 : 00 ( 6pm ) so I had some free time . Just as I logged on Jackie woke and started making all kinds of noise . She doesn 't cry much , what she does is yell . I call it the Tarzan yell . Like I said , she doesn 't cry much , just yells until someone comes to get her out of bed , and if you don 't do it quickly enough she will wake Stacy , and anyone else close enough to be sleeping . Needless to say , I didn 't get much of my email checking done , though I did get it started . I finished it late tonight , just prior to doing this blog , but that 's okay , I 'm happy . For those wondering what Linda and I did , or where we went - We went to the Hyatt Resort and Spa in Carlsbad , about 20 minutes from here . We were given a gift from the Livermore Military Families and it was a very nice gift that included a room , a couple of nice meals , and a couple 's massage . Apparently when they booked the room Tara thought to ask them to upgrade if they could . Not only did they upgrade from a nice room , the folks at Hyatt put us in one of the nicest rooms they had . Then on top of that , our couple 's massage was upgraded too ; to a private suite that we had use of , after the massage , including a whirlpool . To say the least , we were spoiled . . . then we had to come back to the real world . As it turned out , we got the chance to thank a bunch of the folks from the Livermore Military Families , who made this trip possible , as they were at the dinner also . Tomorrow we try to get ourselves back on a more normal schedule , though that probably won 't happen until next week . There are many good organizations and people out there who really want to help other people , and especially those who have served in the military , and are now finding that they need assistance . If you find that you want to help some of these groups , please check out Carl 's or Hardee 's , since they are big supporters for these groups . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , it has been amazing . |
Today started off a little rough for Jason , and for a while it didn 't get much better . His pain level was such that he wasn 't able to come in for any of the therapy sessions he had , or any other appointment for that matter . The good part was that it was early enough in the day that he was able to call in to let the right folks know he wasn 't coming in , and therefore the schedule was changed early enough that it didn 't cause any problems . Jason hasn 't missed many full days of appointments , so I knew he was feeling kind of bad to do this . He pretty much just stayed in bed for the entire day . With that being said , as the day progressed the comfort level did begin to go from very bad to tolerable and then finally to able to get up in his chair . Of course that last part didn 't happen until later in the evening and just from a planning point of view , I was glad to see that he had gotten better . Today is Jason 's 29th birthday and not only were his godparents here , there were also a few people coming over to kind of celebrate with him . Anthony was the first to arrive , and he came in and had a nice visit with Jason when Yolanda and Steven came back . Now all of them were in his room and visiting , and just having some folks to talk to helped to make Jason feel better . I had just gotten back from picking up the girls when Yolanda and Steve showed up , so it was kind of nice walking in together . A short time later , maybe an hour and a half , Gary , Jeff and Matt came in , and that was good , because they brought the dinner . All told , we had 10 people all sitting around the tables sharing food and conversation and it was nice . Speaking of nice , I think now would be a good time to recognize a man whom we have yet to meet who has been helping Linda and I out with some travel help . He has paid for Linda 's air fare down here , and has offered to do it again . The first time was over Mother 's day , and as a result the tickets were kind of expensive , and he didn 't baulk at all . This next time will be next week , and he is doing this all in the honor of Lt . Chris Salisbury , USMC , his son , who died a few years ago . I am looking forward to the day I get to meet this man , as I 'd really enjoy being able to say , " Thank you . " to his face . Anyway , when the " dinner - birthday party " was over everyone recognized that Jason was needing to call it a night , and left . I was just happy that I didn 't have to chase anyone out of the house . Even still , after everyone was gone , Jason wanted to help with the little bit of clean up that was still needing to be done . Granted , it wasn 't much , but I wanted him to get back down and told him that I would take care of it . Marines , they just have that need to keep helping . Tomorrow Jason does not have any appointments , so we can relax for three days now . Not even sure if we 're taking the girls in to day care , so we 'll make the call in the morning . It was a good day , overall , and I was happy to see it end the way it did . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Posted by Today started out as a rough day for Jason , as his treatment from the laser was still very tender and he was very uncomfortable . He wanted to get in early to go talk with the Urology nurse , who was to get things ready for the treatment that the doctor had explained yesterday . The treatment probably won 't be happening for another week or so , but Jason needed to get in and begin getting things ready now . After that visit we went on over to PT to schedule some time with Dawn and Van , and also to get a June schedule established for PT , since May is coming to and end . Jason was beginning to feel very uncomfortable so he let Dawn know that he wasn 't going to be able to stay for any treatment , as it wasn 't going to work today . From there we were on our way to OT . There Jason did a quick session and then we went back home . It was relatively early in the day and Jason laid back down . He slept until Steve and Yolanda came by , and then actually slept a little longer . Yolanda had made some enchiladas for us and wanted to cook dinner for us tonight . As far as I was concerned , it was all good , and on top of that Yolanda is a good cook . The girls had a bath tonight , since both of them are learning new ways of getting dirty at day care . Stacy wasn 't too bad today , though Jackie seemed to have found a whole new meaning to the word , dirty . She was covered from head to toe , literally . I was half expecting them to charge me for the dirt we were taking with us . Okay , maybe I 'm exaggerating some here , but bottom line - she was dirty and happy . Anyway , I cleaned her up some , after she got home , and then after dinner I gave them a bath . I washed both their hair and cleaned them up , and afterward we had to shiny little girls . . . . ; - ) They got to say good night to everybody and then I told them a story tonight , and then they laid down and quickly went to sleep . My guess is that they were tired from all their activities . Tomorrow Jason has appointments , though I don 't know if he 'll be going . He has been hurting most of the day and still has a level of discomfort that is higher than regular . We 'll know tomorrow . Thank you , for your continued prayers and for all the support . Jason had a couple of appointments this morning , with one of them being the laser treatment again - the third one . We first got the girls up and I fed them breakfast , and had to do it so that it wasn 't in front of Jason . He has to go without eating because of the laser treatment ( it is the same as surgery , where he is put under a general anesthesia ) , and I didn 't think it would be fair to him . Anyway , the girls and I had Rice Krispies ( its one of their favorite cereals ) and then we took off for the hospital , and day care . It is really cute getting the girls into the daycare center because there is this fish tank close to the entrance . Both girls love to go over and watch the fish , and some times Stacy asks if Nemo is going to be there . They have no problems going to their classes and love to be with the teachers ; yet , as I come to pick them up , at the end of the day , they always come running to me . Makes me feel pretty good . Actually today when I picked them up I had gotten Jackie first and then went over to Stacy 's class . They were all outside and Stacy was playing in a sandy area . She saw me and jumped up and came running over carrying the shovel she had been playing with . She was a real mess ; and , looked about as happy as could be . One of the few times I didn 't have my camera , and one where I wished I did . It was such a great sight . Anyway , Jason 's treatments went well today . We had a great talk with the Urology doctor , and it looks like he wants to do some work with Jason , in a couple of weeks . This is great news as Jason is really wanting to be sure to put the infections behind him so that he can concentrate on the rest of his recovery . The laser treatment took a little over two hours from entering the PICU ( that 's where the treatment is done ) to when we were leaving . Jason felt a little woozie but otherwise pretty good , and we came back to the house . Lunch was both quick and easy , and then Jason went to sleep for a few hours . Not much else happened tonight until I gave the girls a bath . I got them dressed and read for bed and then took them in to see Daddy . Jason read them a story and then they went to bed . The really cool part of this is that they do it without any fight or argument , and that just makes it so much easier for both Jason and I . Right after I got the girls down in their beds I went back in to talk with Jason for a few minutes and then Jason 's God Parents showed up . They had been traveling all day and got caught up in the Los Angeles traffic . They thought they were going to get here by 18 : 30 ( 6 : 30pm ) but didn 't show up until 20 : 45 ( 8 : 45pm ) . They were both very tired so they came in and visited for a little while , and brought in some enchiladas ( Yolanda is a very good cook ) . They left and said they would be back tomorrow afternoon , after Jason 's appointments tomorrow , and visit for a longer period . It was very good to see both Steve and Yolanda , and it was good for them to see Jason . Tomorrow there are a few appointments and then we 'll be back at the house by about noon or 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . It looks like we 're going to be having a busy week for the rest of the week , but that is the way it goes . Thank you , for your continued prayers and support , and may God Bless you all . Today was a good day for this household - Jason was able to get up and go out to breakfast with the family , and enjoy being out and about for at least a little while . We were only out for a little more than an hour , and he needed to get back down when we got home . That was okay though , as we had a good time together and nobody had to do the cooking . Linda and I took the girls shopping and then a little later Jackie went down for a nap and Stacy played in the back yard and rode her tricycle . The new table and umbrella that Linda 's parents bought for the girls , was put together ( by Grandpa ) and they were very pleased with it ( the grownups have their own table with umbrella , and now the girls do ) . A couple of guys that worked with Jason over in Okinawa dropped by and visited for a couple hours . It is always good when his friends come by because he just notches his energy level up and he nearly forgets about his injuries . A little later Linda had to get packed up and ready to go back up to Livermore , though we 're already planning for the next visit . She said she wants to come back down for father 's day , and that would be a real nice thing , as far as I am concerned . I wanted to get her to the airport with plenty of time and just as we were getting ready to go I couldn 't find my keys . I started looking everywhere I could think of . We already had the girls in the van , so Linda had to stay out there with them , and that meant I was looking by myself . It took me a few minutes to find them ( they were stuck down in the recliner - apparently fell out of my pocket ) and then finally got going to the airport . I was now going to have Linda at the airport with less than an hour before her flight , and because it is Memorial Day I " knew " the traffic was going to be crazy . I was wrong - We made it to the airport and we were able to stop close to the entrance she needed and though she couldn 't stop and window shop , she still had plenty of time . Tomorrow Jason has a few appointments , and they start early , so we will be heading out just a little after 08 : 30 . I am looking forward to the opportunity to speak with the doctors , and hope they can provide us with some answers about why there is increased pain . More importantly I hope they are able to provide some ways that Jason can work to reduce the pain level again . Anyway , that 's it for the day , and I just want to thank you , all for all your continued support and for your continued prayers . Jason stayed in bed for most of the day , though he did get up early this morning . It seems that he spilled water on himself and it wasn 't just a little bit . The way we have it set up is that Jason drinks as much water as he wants all day long . He drinks some where in the area of about a gallon a day ( maybe a little more ) . He does this because of all the different medications he is taking , and it helps to make the affect a little less harsh on his kidneys . Anyway , at night he keeps his water container sitting close to the bed , so he can get to it easily , and sometimes he looks like he is even drinking while he is sleeping . Well , last night I guess he did something very close to that , as he picked up the bottle , took his drink , and instead of putting it NEXT to the bed , he sat it ON the bed and then proceeded to knock it over . Thus , at 06 : 00 this morning he woke up and the sheets needed to be changed out . It wound up messing up some of his bandages too , so I had to take care of those , and I think the extra movement caused him some extra pain as he wasn 't very comfortable for several hours . He didn 't feel up to getting out of bed until after 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) tonight . He seemed to be feeling pretty good by then . Linda and I worked on finishing up a couple of projects I had started a while back . In fact , one of those was actually started by Monica Wolley . It was a kitchen play set for the girls , where there was a 25 step sequence of things to do , in order to assemble the unit . She had gotten the first 5 steps done and I finished the other 20 . The other was a musical toy that should drive us a little crazy in a few days , either that or the batteries will wear down . Anyway , the girls have a couple more things to entertain and play with , and because of both of them , it should help them gain more knowledge about how things work . Linda and I also decided to act a little more like tourists and we went over to Cabrillo National Park . It is right on the coast and is dedicated to a Portuguese explorer who sailed up and down the California coast . I didn 't even know it was there , prior to this visit and thought that it is one of the hidden secrets of San Diego . It has some wonderful presentations and artifacts to look at , as well as having some great historical importance . I guess what I 'm saying is , if you happen to get down to San Diego , check it out . We celebrated Jason 's birthday today , because Linda ( Mom ) is here , and the timing works out better for Jason right now . He actually has a birthday on the 31st , so today is only four days early . It gives me a few more days to give him a hard time and tease him about getting older ( like I have room to talk ) . Anyway , the high point of that little celebration is when Jackie had cake all over herself , and we had to take a bunch of pictures . It is late right now so I 'll have to wait until tomorrow to post them to the blog . Thank you , for all you have done in supporting Jason , and for all the prayers you continue to send our way . Today started out a bit rough , but ended nice . Jason hasn 't been feeling particularly comfortable in his chair , and has been dealing with different periods of pain , associated with the HO , over the past several days ( couple of weeks ? ) . Today , with Linda being home we were hoping that he would be up for maybe going out to breakfast , since we haven 't done that in several months . Well , he said he would rather just have a bowl of cereal and stay in bed , and not move around too much . I understand about how he is feeling , as I have been watching him over these past several days , and I really wasn 't surprised at what he said . I got the stuff together for breakfast and then Linda actually stayed in his room , while the enjoyed breakfast . It was still early in the morning so I decided to take advantage of the fact that Linda was here with him , and I went for a short ( 12mile ) bike ride . When I got back and cleaned up Linda and I decided that we could run a couple of errands , as long as we weren 't gone too lone . I don 't mind leaving Jason alone , as long as he has had his meds , and he can get to them should he need to . While we were out we got a call from Tom Lightner and they were able to get a patio set and barbeque grill to us . It was great because that means we were going to be able to grill some food for dinner , and Jason and I have been talking about how we would really enjoy that . We got back to the house and found out the girls were going to be getting back to the house sometime this afternoon , and that just made the day that much better . By the time Tom and Fred arrived it was getting to be about mid afternoon . I helped them unload the patio furniture and grill , and then we put it all together . By the time we had just about finished the girls showed up , so the entire family was there , and they got to meet Tom and Fred . Tom let me know that the patio furniture and the grill were donated by Home Depot , as it was part of a program where they do what they can to help some of the Wounded Warriors . Jason will be sending a thank you back to the manager of the store , where the equipment came from , and possibly a picture or two . I used the grill , and the girls played in the backyard , and the first thing I did was cook some hotdogs . Because it was getting to be closer to dinner , I didn 't cook too many ; and , they were some of the best grilled dogs I have eaten in a long time . For dinner I grilled some steaks , since we had a couple of them , with baked potatoes . Everything worked out great and we were all happy with the results . Jason still ate in bed , but that 's okay , he has the tray to eat off of now , and it is much more comfortable for him . Today was a good day for Jason , and not because he only had one appointment ( with PT ) , though that was kind of nice . It was because after the appointment with PT was done we headed over to the galley and had lunch ; we leisurely headed back to the house ; and , just relaxed for a couple of hours . Afterward we headed back over to the day care center , where the girls are enrolled , and watched a performance that Stacy was in . I got a couple of good pictures , so I will need to get those on the blog , but for right now just know that she looked great and in just a matter of a couple of days of being part of the class , she was one of the better performers . Jason was a very proud Papa watching his little girl do the Hula and sign to the audience ( the audience was about 10 parents ) . I have to give credit to those teachers , they put a great deal of effort into getting the kids to do the dance , and making it coordinated . After the dance was over I got Jason back to the house and then headed over to the airport to pick up Linda . She flew in today on Southwest , and was supposed to be arriving at about 15 : 35 ( 3 : 35pm ) . What I didn 't know was that they had changed their schedule so that they didn 't arrive until almost 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) . That means I was driving around and around , waiting for them to come in for nearly a half an hour . Actually , what I did was , I called back to Jason and asked him to look up on the web , what the Southwest schedule was for the flight . When he told me I was both relieved and a little put out . I wouldn 't have felt so pushed to leave Stacy 's class room if I 'd known the schedule had changed . But hey , its the airline industry and they don 't seem to care about passengers like they used to ; and , Southwest is supposed to be one of the better ones . Jason started the day off with a shower and a dressing change . The wounds don 't look any worse and unfortunately they don 't look any better . We won 't be going in to see the dermatologist until the end of next week , so we have to just wait to see when the hyperbaric chamber work starts . I am hoping that it does fulfill all that we are being lead to believe it can do . On the other hand , I won 't be too surprised if it does not . Jason was up in his chair after the new dressings and within a short time he was getting uncomfortable . We had some time before we had to go to his first appointment so I asked him to go lay back down , and he did . I got the girls fed breakfast and finished getting them ready . After they were ready we started to get ready ourselves , including Jason - and then we headed on over to the hospital . There were three appointments and that alone would be enough to wear him out . As it turned out , by the time he was done with his first appointment he was starting to feel uncomfortable and in a short while it was decided to head back home and lay back down . After getting him back in bed , I took off to pick up some lunch . There is a new taco place we hadn ' 't tried and I wanted to see how they were . The food was good and they got my order correct . Not much else happened today , other than a call from the bike shop to let me know my bike was ready . I had a new set of gears mounted on the rear wheel ( the entire cassette was replaced ) . This should make it much easier for me to get up some of the hills around here . Jason on has the one appointment tomorrow , and it is for 11 : 00 , so that should allow me the time to pick up the bike in the morning . Speaking of picking up . . . I 'll be picking up Linda tomorrow afternoon and we 're going to have the entire weekend together . I am looking forward to this weekend . Today Jason was up and moving at a nice early hour , and though I was happy to see him get up and want to get going , it concerned me based on his last few days of elevated discomfort and pain . We got the girls over to their day care , and even Jackie went running down the hall , to her class room . It was great to see this because it showed me that both of them are fitting in nicely there , and they 're both happy to be there . Once we had the girls settled in to their class rooms we headed on over to the hospital for Jason 's appointment . He only had the one appointment today with Physical Therapy , so it wasn 't too complicated . While at PT we were told , by Dawn , that Van had come by to work with Jason on his chair , yesterday . I told Dawn that Jason would not have been able to attend any extra meeting because of how he has been feeling , so we 're going to have to push it again , and perhaps we 'll get a chance next week . The good thing about PT is that Jason gets to get off his chair , and though it is only for an hour it does help with relieving some of the pressure he encounters from sitting on the chair . Anyway , Dawn worked with Jason 's arms and shoulders , and she even commented that it seemed like his right shoulder was in much better shape than the previous time she worked with him . The efforts and exercises that she has been doing with him are starting to pay off . When I went to pick up the girls from day care tonight they were " rehearsing " for a performance that will be going on , this Friday . I let Jason know that he is expected to be there on Friday , and he sounded excited about going , so I 'm happy . Tomorrow we have our appointments to get done , and then back home . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today was an exciting day , in that it started early with Jason wanting to take a shower and get clean dressings on his wounds , then immediately after that the girls were up and running around . It was actually very rewarding to me in that Jason was effectively taking care of his daughters on his own , while I was doing laundry and cleaning up some things . By the time I was done he had gotten breakfast for them and was feeding Jackie some cereal . I still hadn 't eaten breakfast , so I started to get my stuff together , at about the same time both Stacy and Jackie were finished and then found out that Jason hadn 't eaten either . With that being said we sat down together and had our breakfast while the girls were having a great time " reading " to each other in the front room . Neither of them can read , but Stacy has a general idea of what the stories are about and can tell them to Jackie . When Jackie starts it is usually just a bunch of sounds since her vocabulary is still developing , though she can now say several words , and knows some names . We took the girls to day care and I need to get a photo in , of the girls , for their records . I may have to wait until tomorrow to do this , so that I can get a couple of good pictures . Jason 's appointments went well , and there was nothing new to report about . The only thing that we need to get scheduled is the hyperbaric treatment that has recently been approved . I 've been told we will have to head over to the UC San Diego Medical School to get this done , and there doesn 't seem to be anyone who knows how many treatments he is going to be receiving . All I care about is getting his wounds closed up and healed , so I look at this as another possible step to arriving at that point . Otherwise , his appointments today went well and we were back at the house before 12 : 30 , and we even drove through Taco Bell ( Jason was in the mood ) . The down side is that they messed up the order and didn 't include Jason 's bean burritos ( he always orders two ) . I called back over to the store where we bought them ( phone number was on the receipt ) and the guy I spoke to was very poor at handling a customer complaint . I finally asked him to have the manager give me a call , and I 'll see if I can get this fixed . It is the third time that this particular Taco Bell has messed up Jason 's order . Tomorrow I am going to try to get a bike ride in , in the afternoon and it depends on a number of factors , the most important being how Jason is doing . The appointment schedule is thin , with only one tomorrow so he should be able to stay off his chair for the better part of the day . Thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Today was a little tough on Jason . He woke up early this morning with a significant level of pain , but apparently not enough that he thought he should wake me . It kept him awake for a few hours , even after taking some pain killers . As a result he was tired for a good part of the day . I saw how he was so I decided to take the girls over to their day care earlier , rather than having them come to the hospital with us . If they came with us they would have also been around the house , and if I needed to work with Jason I didn 't want to have to take care of two little girls at the same time . Fortunately Larry came over at about the same time I was ready to take the girls so we didn 't have to wait too long and it was comfortable knowing that Jason wasn 't alone . Getting them into day care was actually pretty easy , considering it was their first day at this new center . I had anticipated that I was going to have to deal with extra paperwork or something else . As it turned out there wasn 't much paperwork , AND ( this is the good part ) on the stuff they still needed information on , I knew the answers . I felt pretty good that I didn 't have to take stuff back to Jason , especially considering how tired he was . He said the pain had gone away , but now he was just tired / sleepy . We got to OT first and the both of us did a craft exercise . The Therapist got Jason working on it first ( kind of a four string weave that ended up looking like a potential bracelet ) , and I was sitting there , just happy as could be . Of course the Therapist wasn 't going to let me just watch , so she handed me the same materials and said I had to do it too . I was a little hesitant at first but then decided , what the heck , we can both have something from our session together . It was kind of fun and looked much better than I thought it was going to look . I think mine looks the best , but Jason may disagree with me . . . ; - ) We went over to PT next and that 's where things got a little tough on Jason . There was a need to check out his vision and perception , and also his balance . The effort required Jason to move his head in different ways , over a prolonged period , about an hour , and when he was done he wasn 't feeling too goo . I tried to get him to lay down on one of the padded tables , and he said he was fine . Finally I suggested that we simply go back to the house because the next appointment wasn 't for almost two hours , and Jason could lay down for a while . He liked that idea so that 's what we did . We also had lunch , with Jason eating his in bed , and then he fell asleep , for about 20 minutes . I would liked to just let him sleep , but the appointment was there and I know that Jason doesn 't like to miss his appointments . As it turned out , Jason was glad we went and he had his appointment . He was ready to head back home afterward , and so was I . Jason got back in bed and I took care of a few things around the house . A bit later I prepared dinner and then a little after that the girls went to bed . Jason and I stayed up a little longer and we talked , then he wanted to get some sleep . I think he was still a little tired from the issues that happened this morning . Tomorrow should be a better day . Also , Tom and Fred came over this afternoon with a nice gift for Jason , and a nice gift for me , too . Tom grows some vegetables at his house and brought over some zucchini . . . I love fresh vegetables , and zucchini is one of my favorites . Tomorrow we have appointments set up , so we 'll get going early again , and I am guessing that this time we 'll all go , to take the girls to day care . I think Jason will want to anyway , just to see the class rooms . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers , being sent our way . Posted by Not much going on today . We had breakfast with the girls , and it was a little different from most of the rest of this past week . Jason typically has his breakfast without getting out of bed , and then only gets out when he has to . Today he got up at about 06 : 30 and decided he wanted to take a shower . After the shower he had new dressings put on his wounds , and by the way , they 're looking better . In fact , all of the area is looking better , and I 'm pretty happy about it , considering I 've been the one to see it every time . Anyway , after the shower the girls got up and were full of energy as they always are , and Jason decided to get dressed , to come have breakfast with the girls . In hindsight , I think this may have been an error because by 09 : 00 he was feeling uncomfortable and needed to get back in bed , which lead to us not going to church today . Well , we don 't need to attend every Sunday , we just like to attend regularly . The rest of the day was spent doing some laundry and lazing around the house . I did walk over to the mail box and pick up the Saturday mail , but other than that not much went on . Jason has appointments tomorrow , and more importantly , the girls BOTH start at their day care on the naval base . This will be the first time since we 've been in San Diego , that they have both been enrolled in a regular day care program . The drop in center was good , and the folks there got to know the girls , so they will be missed . However , I do believe this will be better for the both of them , as well as us . Jason spent the day at home and just relaxing . Being that it is Saturday there are no appointments , and we really didn 't have any place we needed to go . I did go for a bike ride that took me over to Ocean Beach , and there were a couple of hills that caused me to work up a bit of a sweat , and on the really good side was the bicycle shop I found . I 've been looking for one since I 've been here , semi - actively , so to come across this one was a real nice way to cap off the bike ride . Tomorrow is going to be a day similar to this one , though there may be more laundry that has to be done , and otherwise I 'm not sure what is going to be happening . With that I 'll sign off now and thank you , for all your prayers and continued support . Today was a nice easy type day , that started out slow and really never got going fast - it might have gotten up to a medium pace , somewhere along the line , but not for too long . Jason had the one appointment with PT , and it wasn 't until 11 : 00 . That meant the girls got to sleep in , and didn 't get up until almost 08 : 00 and Grandpa ( me ) was able to play with them while getting breakfast and getting dressed in a much more relaxed manner . We were on our way to take Jackie to her day care center ( today was her last day there ) a little later than I originally wanted , but that was okay as it was still plenty of time to get to the Naval Base . It just meant that I had to take Stacy into the " drop - in " day care center by the hospital in stead of Jason being able to do it ( it was Stacy 's last day there too ) . Next week we begin to take them both to the same day care center and that will make it much easier on everyone . Anyway , Jason went in to his PT session and he found that Dawn was back - we didn 't expect to see her until next week , so that was a good thing . Jason had been working with Mike , and even though Mike is good it is always better to have the continuity of working with just one main person . She worked on Jason 's arms and shoulders , with a special focus on his right side . He has gotten most of his range in motion back with his right side , hand to shoulder , and on his left side it is complete . The biggest thing they need to work on is the shoulder area , and that is just going to take time . When the PT session was over we took off to go have lunch with Bob Hammer , and we ( Jason , Larry and myself ) all drove over to the Boll Weevle hamburger place , and we really enjoyed the food there . It was good to sit down and have a relaxed conversation with Bob , too . After that we headed back home so Jason could take a shower and lay back down ; then a little while after that I took off to go pick up the girls . Jason and I decided that we just wanted to have Pop Eyes for dinner , since I hadn 't planned anything for dinner tonight - actually , I didn 't know I was going to be making dinner . The chicken nuggets were just what the kids wanted , and we were able to get side dishes to make it balanced . The one thing that I found a little surprising was that Stacy wanted honey on her nuggets , yet she had never had honey on a biscuit before tonight . She was very pleased to " discover " this new flavor combination ( Grandpa worked the honey ) . Not sure what we 're going to be doing this weekend as we don 't have a bunch of things planned . I am thinking that I will get out and go for a long bike ride , and maybe explore a little farther up this one ride I took past weekend . Oh , and today was laundry day - I got all my laundry done ! Today Jason had just one appointment , and then a hair cut . The appointment was with the OT folks , and , again , they worked his right hand and arm , doing their best to improve his range of motion . Other than that , there really wasn 't much else done today . . . well , except I did manage to get a small update on his treatment . . . not that that is important . . . ; - ) First , you have to appreciate the fact that I was with Jason , just after he had gotten his hair cut . The barber shop is in the lower level , below the first floor , and if it were on the first floor it would be directly across from C5 , so it is pretty close to where his appointment was . Now , having said that , Jason finished his appointment and I asked him if he would like to go to the C . A . R . E . folks , and get an update ( I honestly don 't remember what C . A . R . E . stands for , but if anyone should want to know I can get another flier ) , since the woman in charge there is our point of contact for updates . He said yes , so we headed over to the location where we last spoke to them - it was across the campus . When we arrived I asked to speak with them and the guy behind the counter said he would give them a call , and he did . When Marie answered , she informed me that they had moved back over to C5 , to be more convenient ; they just forgot to tell us . Anyway , the update went something like this ; Jason 's wounds are still improving , though slowly and the Plastics doctors and the Dermatology doctors were pretty happy with the progress . They want to add another treatment called a hyperbolic chamber that forces oxygen to the cells , and that promotes more skin growth . It is very similar to what they use on divers who come up from deep dives , too fast . Once the wounds have improved to a higher level , or at least as far as dermatology thinks it is going to go , then there will be talk about going after the H . O . The H . O . will require at least one more surgery and probably more , and if they are able to do what they want to do it should allow the Plastics doctors the ability to establish more " padding " for Jason and even some possible adjustments to his posture . The surgeries for this work will be done either here , in San Diego or in Bethesda , and it is all up to how Jason feels . It will be his call . My guess is that as far as a time frame is concerned we 're looking at sometime in the Fall , if the surgery is going to take place . Crazy day today - It was supposed to be an easy day that had been coordinated with the Marines , but for what ever reason , the ball was dropped . Today I had a couple of errands to take care of , as well as my own medical appointment , over at the VA . Because of this I made sure that Jason had contacted the Marines to let them know they were going to be needed to transport him to his appointment , and to make sure they had the times for all his activities . I told Jason that because of the way his appointments were set , and my appointment was set I should be able to come pick him up when he was all done and bring him back to the house . Well , I got out at a reasonable time and took the girls to their respective day cares ( I will be so glad on Monday because they start to go to the same day care then ) , and then I had time to take care of a couple of errands I needed to get done . As far as I was aware , everything was running smoothly and I even had a great appointment with my new doctor at the VA . Once my appointment was done I hurried back down to the van and immediately called Jason to let him know I would be able to get over to his location ( he was at OT ) in about 15 to 20 minutes . I drove over and I made it to OT , and then Jason let me know what happened . He not only missed his first appointment , but he also missed the Day Care Orientation . The driver was not able to get over to Jason 's place until almost 12 : 30 , and that still made him late for his 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) appointment with OT . I asked what happened and he really wasn 't able to explain it , other than to say they were significantly late , even after he made multiple contacts to them , to be sure he was at his appointments . As it turned out , Bridgette was able to make the Day Care Orientation , so the girls places were not lost . There is still some paper work that Jason has to turn in to complete everything , but if Bridgette had not been able to be there I 'm afraid the girls would be pushed back to square 1 , and that would not have been a good thing . A couple of the other Marines have already spoken with Jason and said they would be looking into what happened , and apologized . There are going to be times where Jason is going to need to depend on the Marines to get him to , and from , his appointments , and this was not a good showing of their abilities . Otherwise today was a good day . My visit with the doctor was good and he said I was in pretty good health , though he does want me to get more exercise in . I explained that I was hoping to get more bike riding in and he was happy to hear that . My cholesterol is in good shape ; my blood pressure and pulse are all doing well , and my weight is getting better . Overall , I 'm pleased with how things are going . Now to move forward and continue to work with Jason and get him better . Today was a pretty smooth day , though we didn 't get to speak with Dr . Pyo , like I had wanted to . I even called before leaving the house and left a message on his phone . The problem is that I had forgotten that he told me he was going to be gone this week , so it was my own fault for making that plan . Oh well , we will have to just wait until next week to get an update on what the next steps are . Right now the laser treatment is still moving along , and there has been some progress , though it seems to have slowed significantly . Jason has a dermatology appointment a little later this week , so we 'll talk to that doctor then . The overall desire , right now , is simply to make it possible for Jason to be more comfortable while in the chair . The next step , once that is accomplished is to be able to have Jason fitted for a prosthetic , as right now he can not be . It is a little frustrating , sort of just going through the motions , but we both know it is important to have his upper body strength and flexibility , for when he finally does get to the point of possibly " standing " once again . The other appointments today were with OT and PT , as well as with Jason 's mental health doctor . They are amazed at the mental resilience of Jason , and I think for good reason . He talks freely about the I . E . D . blast , and all that happened , that he can remember . Tomorrow Jason will be heading in to the hospital for his appointments , without me , again . I have my own appointment with the VA , and the times conflict . He will be riding in with the Marines , and I will probably be the ride home , as my appointment should be over well before his are . That pretty much wraps up all the activity for Jason , today , other than the visit over to MCRD . Jason wanted to take the girls over to Bridgette 's new work place . She has changed her job from driving around in a car most of the time to administrative work that will allow her to have a more regular schedule . I hope it works out , as that would make my life a bit easier too . Jason had three appointments this morning , but only two of them were originally scheduled . The first one , with Urology was kind of a walk - in , just to get an update . Jason asked the doctor about some tests that were done last week , and wanted to know the results , we figured on a 10 to 15 minute visit at the most . Well , about 75 minutes later we were leaving the office for the next appointment . As it turned out the doctor had not yet looked at the results , and when Jason asked he brought up the information ( as it turned out it had only arrived about an hour before we got there ) . The result showed that there was now a fungal type infection that Jason was now dealing with and so that created a new need for different action , as well as another prescription . The new meds will run for two weeks , and the doctor is confident that the drugs will get rid of the fungus , and it is good that it was caught early , as it was . The challenge is to figure out where it came from in the first place , so as a result of that visit Jason has another few new visits with Urology , that he didn 't have before . I will need to be sure to get him to these new appointments cause I don 't want to have to see Jason go through fighting off another weird bug that they don 't know about . Anyway , after the Urology visit we Jason had PT ( Physical Therapy ) and we were to head on over to the pharmacy for the new Rx and then OT . ( Occupational Therapy ) . Once the visits were all done Jason was ready to head on back home . Frankly , I was too . We got back and found out that there has been some sort of a goof up on the housing , and it happened in December , right as we moved in . I guess the Gate Way ( that 's the name of the area we 're in ) people have been working with the Housing folks , and have not been able to get it resolved . They didn 't want to bother us because of Jason 's Wounded Warrior status , and now have come to the conclusion that it can 't be resolved without help from us . The issue is that there is some money that needs to be paid , to get everything squared away , and from Jason 's point of view , he isn 't going to pay it . It was their mistake , they can fix it . The amount of money isn 't much , but it is the principle we 're dealing with on this one , and Jason worked with this kind of stuff , early in his Marine career so he feels he knows how to fight the battles and win . I 'm pretty much just along for the ride . Funny thing is , it seemed to make him brighten up and feel better to have this challenge . I guess he feels like he has something to do now . Not much else going on today , Bridgette and the girls showed up about 19 : 30 ( 7 : 30pm ) , after she got off work , and it looks like they are going to be staying the night . Still trying to figure out the schedule now , as it continues to be very dynamic , but Jason is happy with the change , so I 'll continue to support it . Tomorrow Jason has a few appointments , and I 'm going to try to get an audience with his primary doctor , just to find out what the plan is for Jason 's comfort . I also need to start pushing a little harder about his chair seat , as it is beginning to show more signs of wear , and I have been asking them about a replacement / fix for several weeks now . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Had a great day today . We got up and had breakfast , and then all of us went to church . The message was about forgiveness , and just seemed very appropriate . Jason is feeling like he is making progress , and his wounds are looking pretty good , though the smaller one seems to have stopped shrinking ( the bigger one has not ) . The one thing that troubles me some is that he doesn 't seem to be able to be in his chair as long as he used to , without the level of pain starting to go up more quickly . I will be speaking with his doctor tomorrow about that and see if they have any new information to share . I am aware that there is supposed to be another of those meetings this coming week , so I am hopeful that something is going to be shaking free . Otherwise we spent the rest of the day at home . Jason took a pretty good nap this afternoon ( I actually got a short nap in ) . Then this evening I spent a little time on the web , catching up on the news and then I was going to start reading a new book , Special Operations by Oliver North , when I received a call from a close friend , Larry Soares . He told me that 60 Minutes ( the TV show ) was airing a segment on Gary Sinise and his efforts to build the Wounded Warriors homes . A short while later I received a text message from Bob Hammer , telling me the same thing . I guess some folks wanted me to see it . . . ; - ) . Anyway , I had Jason turn it on too , so we could both see it and it was really cool . We saw a bunch of folks we knew , and places we 've been to , as well as it high lighted all the great work that Mr . Sinise is doing for some of these guys . I hope some of you were able to catch it . Tomorrow we need to get over to the appointments , but not until late morning , so that makes it easier for us to get over and see some of the doctors earlier . One week from tomorrow Stacy will begin going to the Day Care on the Naval base , and Jackie is being transferred at the same time . This is going to make it a whole lot easier for us , and Jason is particularly happy about it . We went over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) last week , and Jason likes what he saw , as did I . Let 's hope that this is the start of a great week and things only get better . Thank you , for all your support and prayers , and keep in mind those that working so hard to help these guys , people like Gary Sinse and others . Not much else happened today , other than I did get out for a bike ride and found some hills to ride up and down . I was only gone for about an hour , and in that hour I was able to generate enough sweat to soak my shirt pretty well . I 'm going to be doing as much riding as I can now , so that I can get back in a little bit of shape - not that I 'm out of shape , well , okay , maybe I am . We 're all going to church tomorrow , so I 'm looking forward to a nice Sunday afterward . I went and did the shopping at Costco today , so there really isn 't anywhere we need to go - at least as far as I am aware . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . This is my 440th post to this blog , and I 've tried not to miss a day , though I did take a couple of days off , not too long ago to spend some time with Linda . Even then , there was only one day that I didn 't see Jason . Today was a typical day , that had us going to the base , and going to appointments , and it also was a time to go visit the Child Development Center ( C . D . C . ) , as both girls will be going there for their day care . Right now Jackie is over at the Patrick Wade Center and will transfer over at the same time Stacy starts , on May 21 , just 10 days from now . It will be so much nicer having the girls at the same place where Jason goes for treatment . This weekend is going to be a time to do a few things around the house and maybe visit with some friends . I 'm hoping to get in another bike ride , today 's ride was kind of short , but it had some hills that worked me hard , so I think I may for a different ride tomorrow . Not much else to go over tonight , so I 'm going to just call it a night and go to bed in a little while . Today was another good day for Jason , though there was some extra bleeding from his wounds , I think he put a little too much pressure on them , when he was doing his PT exercises . He has gotten into a mode of when he is working out there he gives it his all , and perhaps I need to get him to ratchet it back , just a little . Otherwise , he had a short visit with Urology , where they determined that they needed to redo his infection culture ( seems no one did the last one , and as a result they have no data ) , and that should take another few days . We 'll probably hear the results early next week . He is feeling better , but then he has completed the regimen of the antibiotic , and it is a very strong one . We were also supposed to pick up some more supplies today , but it is unfortunately becoming more typical for just about anything that is done with Jason . He is a unique case , and as a result the technicians don 't readily see the orders that are place . For example , I worked with his case coordinator and ordered a number of things . She said I should be able to go pick them up at one location ; I went to that location and they didn 't have what was ordered and said it was going to be sent to the house . We then went over to pick up a Rx from the pharmacy and they said they had part of that previous order I was just talking about . Only thing is we had ordered a month 's supply ( about 120 pieces ) and they only gave us 18 . I had to go back to the Coordinator and she walked back over with me and got them to give me all that was requested . As I said , in Jason 's case things are different and so they people don 't always know what is going on . A little frustrating sometimes , but fortunately I 've learned who to go to , to get it corrected . Tomorrow there are a couple more appointments , and then a restful day at home . I didn 't get my bike ride in today , so I 'll strive for it again tomorrow . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . Jason had a pretty good day today , in that yes we had appointments to attend to , and they were all done without event . In the middle of them , however , Jason and I were able to go make a couple of pens . There is a group of retired vets who work with the AS / YMCA , or Armed Services / YMCA . They have set up a little wood working shop where the patients can come and turn wood on their lathes . You can make a number of different things , but the main item is to make pens out of wood . The mechanical workings , inside are from Cross Pens , so the quality is pretty good , and when you need to get a refill all you have to do is go to a Cross dealer and buy a new one . This isn 't the first pen that Jason has made there , but it was my first , and I 'm happy to say it came out looking pretty good . I got a couple of pictures of Jason turning the wood and working on the lath , so you get to see exactly what he is doing . One we were done with the activity and with the appointments we headed back home . Jason was ready to sit back and eat lunch and so was I . We relaxed for a little bit and then received a call from the New York Times - one of their reporters who works on the artistic articles . She heard about the drawings that were done of Jason , by Victor Juhasz , while he was out at Bethesda and wanted to get Jason 's take on what they mean . He and I spoke with Carol Kino for the better part of an hour and actually , Jason did most of the talking . It seems he likes to have new ears to hear his story and I think it makes him feel better , being able to tell it . I provided some details , though for the most part just watched . We relaxed most of the rest of the day , except for some of the clean up I had to do around the house , and then the dinner I made . We were going to be going to the movies tonight but Jason wasn 't feeling up to it , so our plans changed . I had most of the ingredients for beef stroganoff ( spell check thinks its spelled wrong - I think its correct ) , so that is what I made . It tasted okay , but didn 't have the " zing " I usually have when I make it . Oh well , next time . That 's about it for today , and tomorrow we head back out for a few more appointments . As long as nothing else happens I just might go for a bike ride tomorrow . Today started off with Jason taking a shower , and me changing his dressings out . His wounds look like they have kind of hit a stall point . They haven 't changed , or shrunk , much - though they haven 't grown any either . Along with that , there are no new areas to worry about , so over all it was a positive . He had an earlier appointment ( 09 : 30 ) than usual , but not so much that it was a challenge , that is until I went out and locked the car keys in the van . Of course that didn 't happen until just a few minutes just prior to when I wanted to leave . Well , we both ( Jason and I ) got on our respective phones and called to see if the Marines could get over here quickly so he could get to his appointment , now subject to being late . Funny thing is , we both got through to different people at about the same time and they ended up sending the same guy to come pick up Jason ( and Larry ) . I stayed back so I could get the van opened up by a locksmith . Jason made it to his first appointment only a few minutes late ( a benefit of not having to park and walk through the parking lot area ) . Right after calling for the Marines to pick up Jason I identified and called a local locksmith , and he was over in 20 minutes . A real nice guy who gave me a discount because of the military connection . He had the van open in about 2 minutes of arriving and was about the most pleasant road service guy I 've ever encountered . He was from the Busy Bee Locksmith company . I managed to get to Jason 's first appointment before he was done , and just sat in the waiting area until he was done ( Larry was already there waiting ) . Jason had a Physical Therapy appointment next and Dawn worked on his arms and shoulders , then on his core . I will be posting a couple of pictures tomorrow to show how Jason is doing , and I believe everyone is going to be pleased with the results . Once the appointments were done we came back to the house and had lunch and kicked back . I worked on a few things and Jason played video games , and then took a nap . Tomorrow is going to be very similar to today , only it will start with taking Jackie to her day care center . Jason offered to take a pick up the girls any time the help is needed , and apparently tomorrow it is needed . . . AND we 're happy to be able to assist . Not much to report about today , other than he had some appointments ( three ) and we were back home before noon - and that 's after going to In - N - Out Burger for lunch ( my stomach still has not forgiven me ) . Maybe I 'm just not a good fast - food kinda guy , or perhaps we haven 't been going often enough to keep my stomach conditioned for that food . Don 't get me wrong , I know their burgers are generally pretty good , and I have been able to eat them easily in the past - maybe I 'm just getting too used to eating at home most of the time . This getting healthy stuff is messing with my diet . . . ; - ) About the toughest things Jason had to work on were the exercises that Dawn put him through at Physical Therapy . All the trainers there like Jason , mostly because of his positive attitude , with a secondary issue of him being able to talk with them . He loves to tell them about some of the things he does , and also things the girls do , when they 're with us . But then , he is a proud papa . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and it has literally just now dawned on me - I didn 't check the mail today . I guess I should go take care of that early in the morning , don 't want to have the mail carrier think we 've forgotten about them . Tomorrow is going to be similar to today , except that Jason doesn 't have to go in so early , like he did today . There is a transition going on with the command of the Wounded Warrior Battalion , and originally he was supposed to get to meet the new command . As it turned out something came up and the new guy was not able to get over to the Naval Base , so they 're gong to try again later , but not yet scheduled . On the bright side - I 've been able to get this post out a little earlier . . . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . A nice relaxed day for us , though there were a number of minor challenges , mostly related to ants coming in the back door . I have to admit , I have not been mopping the floor everyday , like I should . Especially with the fact that Stacy loves her apple juice , and some gets on the floor . Jackie like apple juice also , but not near as much as Stacy . The ants around here are very small , and that kind of surprised me , as I thought the ants up in Livermore were already pretty small ; these guys are about half the size of the Livermore ants . Anyway , I spent about 30 minutes cleaning up and doing my best to get rid of them , and will be talking with the Gateway Housing folks in the morning . We took the girls to church this morning and they both had a great time with Sunday School . We 're getting to know some of the folks at the church , since we 've been there a few times now , and actually , the family that lives across the street from us also goes there - though they 're new too . Because Jason doesn 't like to be up in his chair longer than need be we didn 't hang around and socialized too much after services . We got home and into the house and that 's when we found the ants , so lunch was slightly delayed . Tomorrow Jason and I both have appointments , with mine being with the V . A . I have to head to a different location than Jason , so the Marines are coming to take him . There is also a special meeting early in the morning so Jason has to head out early . He will be getting a chance to meet with the Lt . Col . and First Sgt . , along with several other guys , and they will be discussing whatever it is they talk about . My appointment requires that I leave the house early as well , so we both have to get up early , and with that , I 'll sign off now . Not a bunch to write about today . Jason spent most of the day in bed - in fact , except for one short stint where he went to the bathroom in his chair , he didn 't get out of bed at all . I took the girls down to the park , a short while after we had breakfast , and let them play for about an hour . There were a few other girls ( not sure where all the boys are ) playing there also , though they showed up several minutes after we got there . Jason did play with both of them while in his bed , and read to them - they like it when Daddy reads to them , but he didn 't get out of bed . Not much of a Cinco de Mayo , from a celebration stand point . Otherwise we just stayed home all day and it was very nice . Jackie loves to get outside , so I was letting her run around out on the patio , and she enjoyed that . There were a couple of birds hopping on the fence and that was a special thing for her . She was quite excited to see them , and also the air traffic that is constantly going by . They will be headed back to their mother 's place tomorrow evening , so it will be getting quiet around here again . Then when they do come back we 'll finally have their day care all set up with the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , and that will be something new for all of us to get used to . Today was a good day for appointments , in that Jason only had the one with the dermatology folks , and then there was a quick visit with urology ( it wasn 't an appointment though ) . When we got to the Naval Base we took the girls over to the day care center and dropped them off . Stacy loves going there , and especially likes Ms . Nancy . I don 't know if Jackie has a favorite because she gets along with just about everybody and goes to just about everybody - as long as Grandpa isn 't around . If I 'm around she wants to be with me , but hey , she 's got good taste in people . . . ; - ) Anyway , while Jason was at his appointment I received an email and it said both Stacy and Jackie would now be able to go to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) for day care , located right there on the Naval Base . My first reaction was excitement and then concern because Jackie is already enrolled at the Wade Parker CDC , that 's close to the house . Besides , Jason has already paid for the first half of the month of May at Wade Parker , and I 'm concerned that things will get messed up in the paper work . We 'll just need to make sure that all the paper work gets processed correctly , so that no mistakes are made . It will be good to have the girls together , and to have them at the Naval Base is just an extra plus for us . I was contacted by the New York Times , because they are doing a story on Victor Juhasz , the artist who drew and painted Jason , while he was at Bethesda . She will be talking with us on Wednesday , via telephone or Skype , and I 'm guessing it will be about 30 minutes or so . I 'm hoping that it helps Victor is some way , since he did so much for Jason with the drawings and paintings . I 've had a couple of interrupts while trying to get this post done , with one of those being from Jackie . Sometimes she will wake , crying , and I just need to take her in to Daddy and he calms her down . I don 't particularly like running up and down the stairs this time of night , but it does make me feel good when Jason is capable of calming his children down , and that also means I 'll probably get a good nights sleep . . . ; - ) When I began this blog , over a year ago , I had no idea that it was going to be still going on as much as it is . Typically there are about 150 views every day , and seldom is there a post that doesn 't get some comments . It has been rewarding , in that it has let me have an outlet for some of the challenges that have been faced by Jason , and to a lesser extent , me . It has also allowed me to keep a chronological record of what has happened in Jason 's recovery and rehabilitation . I hope all those that have been reading it have enjoyed following along , and will continue as long as I am able to continue posting , and now , with that said , here is some of what happened today . As I said yesterday , all of Jason 's medical appointments were cancelled today , so that he could focus on some of the other stressful areas that have been impacting his life . As it turned out , it was the right thing to do . By the end of the day Jason seems to have regained a great deal of focus on what he wants to do , and how he wants to get there . He felt like there was a ( for lack of better description ) void , because he just flat didn 't know what was going to be happening . He now feels like he has a much better understanding of what is going on , and that " void " is just about erased , or should I say , filled ( with knowledge ) . Knowing something is so much better than not knowing . The morning started out with an elevated stress level and at the end of the day he was playing with the girls and reading them stories , and even told them their bedtime story . I know I felt a whole lot better seeing him engaged that much . His attitude is so much more positive now . The down side is that I really can 't tell you the details of what happened , or who we went to visit , but please be happy that it made both of us feel much better , and especially him to feel better . The way the day ended was a trip down to the park with the girls , where they got to play for about 30 minutes . Then we headed over to the hospital to pick up a Rx that he was just about out of ( with the pain medications you don 't want to loose any continuity ) . Then because it was just about 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) we decided to go to Mimi 's for dinner . The girls thought it was great fun , and Stacy was talking non - stop while we were there . Jackie was happy to , as she was saying , " Hi ! " to just about anybody that walked close by - it was very cute . After dinner we came back home and shortly afterward we got the girls ready for bed . It had been a busy day and they were both tired , as were Dad and Grandpa . I think we 're all going to sleep well tonight . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and for all the support that is being sent our way . Today was one of those days that kind of got away from us . We had appointments and then had some other personal issues come up that required Jason to go in a different direction . He did manage to get in to Occupational Therapy , but the other appointments were just cancelled . We ended up having to take another side trip to go retrieve his cell phone , since it apparently dropped off his chair last night . Fortunately for us Anthony Netto found it and it is only about a 20 minute drive to get out to see Anthony , and then another 20 minute drive to get back . Jason needed to get in contact with a couple of folks , and their contact information was on the phone , otherwise we wouldn 't have needed to retrieve the phone so urgently . Once we got back from picking up the phone we immediately headed over to the Patrick Wade Child Development Center , where Jackie is to start day care this coming Monday . Today was the orientation for new parents , and it was important for Jason to be there . We got to see the class room where Jackie will be going , and a chance to meet the teachers . It was actually the second time for visiting the center , so it wasn 't all a totally new experience for us . Again , we headed back to the house , and this time Jason was able to lay back down and rest . At this point he had been up in his chair for about four hours , and he was becoming uncomfortable . Linda had to fly back up to Livermore this evening , and she had stayed back with the girls so that we could go to the Patrick Wade Center orientation . The girls were still asleep when we first got there , but were soon up and awake . Marilyn Carter came over to visit and presented the girls with some gifts . It was almost all Hello Kitty stuff , and Stacy was very excited ( one of her favorites ) . Jackie was happy to see the gifts too , though I don 't believe she has formed much of an opinion about who here favorite characters are , yet . It was good to see Marilyn and her son , Christian , and they stayed for a nice visit , then had to get on to the airport . They also took Linda to the airport , as they were all flying back together . Linda won 't be able to get back down here until Memorial Day weekend , so yes , that means she won 't be seeing Jason for Mother 's Day . It was something we talked about , and it was a difficult decision for her , but it was how she wanted to handle the time off , since she has been taking a lot of time off from her daycare . For me , I 'll just be glad to see her again , and possibly for 4 or 5 days . Thank you , all for all the support and for all the prayers being sent our way . Jason is still dealing with some issues that weigh heavy on him at times and the need for divine support is real . Okay , I 'm back . . . I know it was only a " one - day get - a - way " for Linda and I , and it did cross two nights , so that is why I missed two days of updates . As it is , there really wasn 't a bunch to write about , since Jason didn 't go anywhere ( other than to church on Sunday ) , and Monday there were no appointments , so he didn 't go anywhere that day either . When we got to the house this morning it was just as the Marine bus had arrived to pick up Jason , and get him to his appointments . It was a bit chaotic at first , with the girls running around saying , " Hi ! " to Grandma and Grandpa , and poor Monica was exhausted from trying to keep up with everything , and on top of that she didn 't sleep well last night . I told her she could have gone up to my room and slept on that bed , but she worried she wouldn 't hear the girls if they woke up ; so , she didn 't sleep much at all . She wanted to do a good job , and she did . The girls really enjoyed having her here , probably as much as the rest of us did , and we 're going to miss her , now that she has gone back home . Anyway , Jason had his appointments and while he was at the Speech Therapy appointment I was able to go take care of a couple of other things , and then when he was done with all his appointments the Marine bus took us back to the house . Once we were back home I had to hurry and get Monica to the airport , so she could get back home . She graduates from high school this year and she is looking forward to continuing on with college . Not sure what she is going to study , but whatever it is I 'm sure she will do well as she is a pretty bright young woman , and seems quite confident in herself . Once I was back at the house I had a chance to get up stairs and check my email . It was now almost 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and the girls were asleep ; Linda was taking a nap ; and , Jason was resting . We had a dinner to go to at about 18 : 00 ( 6pm ) so I had some free time . Just as I logged on Jackie woke and started making all kinds of noise . She doesn 't cry much , what she does is yell . I call it the Tarzan yell . Like I said , she doesn 't cry much , just yells until someone comes to get her out of bed , and if you don 't do it quickly enough she will wake Stacy , and anyone else close enough to be sleeping . Needless to say , I didn 't get much of my email checking done , though I did get it started . I finished it late tonight , just prior to doing this blog , but that 's okay , I 'm happy . For those wondering what Linda and I did , or where we went - We went to the Hyatt Resort and Spa in Carlsbad , about 20 minutes from here . We were given a gift from the Livermore Military Families and it was a very nice gift that included a room , a couple of nice meals , and a couple 's massage . Apparently when they booked the room Tara thought to ask them to upgrade if they could . Not only did they upgrade from a nice room , the folks at Hyatt put us in one of the nicest rooms they had . Then on top of that , our couple 's massage was upgraded too ; to a private suite that we had use of , after the massage , including a whirlpool . To say the least , we were spoiled . . . then we had to come back to the real world . As it turned out , we got the chance to thank a bunch of the folks from the Livermore Military Families , who made this trip possible , as they were at the dinner also . Tomorrow we try to get ourselves back on a more normal schedule , though that probably won 't happen until next week . There are many good organizations and people out there who really want to help other people , and especially those who have served in the military , and are now finding that they need assistance . If you find that you want to help some of these groups , please check out Carl 's or Hardee 's , since they are big supporters for these groups . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , it has been amazing . |
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